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Chapter Text

Leonard scoffed as he marched over to the trash to throw away his Chinese takeout on Vintage Game Night. Sheldon meanwhile was continuing to list ways that Leonard’s field of physics was derivative and how he has stalled his own career because as Howard explains to Penny in layman’s terms, basically Leonard sucks at his job. 

“Right, like you’re any better,” Leonard retorts returning to his seat.

“I am better. Infinitely better. I have more degrees than you, I have a better position title than you, I have a bigger office than you do, I have my own parking space—although I don’t use it—I have a grad student requirement, I am published, and not to put too fine of a point on things but I get paid more than you.” Sheldon lists off.

“Ooh Leonard, I think you’re gonna need some aloe vera because you just got burned! By Sheldon!” Howard laughs. 

Leonard shakes his head, “No, you don’t get paid more than me. If that was the case why did you list the extra room looking for a roommate?” He asks smugly as if he had checkmated the tall Texan.

“I did so out of a need for companionship, not money. If I want, I can easily afford the rent and utilities on my own or outright purchase a house. But seeing how I don’t have a need for the excess space provided by the latter, I put up the room for sublease.”

Leonard huffed and crossed his arms defensively, he hated when Sheldon always got the upper hand in arguments—which was most of the time which is why he often acquiesced to his roommate rather than fight him—but this was going too far. “All right wise guy, prove it.”

“And how would you like me to do that?” Sheldon asks.

Leonard walks over to his computer desk uses a key to unlock a keyed drawer and pulls out a folder containing his check stubs. “This is a record of my direct deposits from the last year, so either put up or shut up.”

Sheldon shrugged. “Very well.” As Sheldon left toward his bedroom, Leonard got nervous. He was sure Sheldon would have backed down, after all sharing one’s salary was akin to a dick-waving contest and he knew that everything Sheldon said prior was true, he didn’t want to be the one with the, ahem… financially small dick, and have it be public knowledge.

Raj whispered something to Howard and Howard nodded, “Yeah, I agree,” he turned to Leonard, “Man, Leonard, you are in for a massive dressing down. You might as well go and start borrowing Penny’s skirts after this because there is no way you’ll be able to put on pants after this.”

“Hey!” Penny glared at the engineer. Leonard was silent as Sheldon came back with a large meticulously put-together binder that on the front stated simply ‘Financials’.

He set the binder down on his own computer desk and the group crowded around to look. “After you.”

“Ladies first,” Howard joked.

Leonard glared at his friend but opened the folder anyway. The group saw that his annual salary was $76,233 before taxes. 

“You make way more than me,” Penny quips.

Sheldon then opens to the first section of the binder and simply points. It was a spreadsheet of his quarterly income for not just the last year but the last nine years, including his titles, start dates, promotion dates, salary increases, and necessary notes concerning each entry.

Leonard was disheartened to learn that Sheldon Cooper made way more money than him, even when he was first starting out. But the last entry from the last fiscal year made him shrink deeper into his own hole of despair. Sheldon last year pulled in $300,322 or his entire salary plus an extra $224,089. No wonder his roommate was able to do outlandish things like run off to Montana or Texas or lend Penny money without caring if it gets repaid.

Raj made a low whistle when he saw the figure.

“That’s a strike,” Sheldon admonished. 

“Holy frak!” Howard exclaimed.

Penny was silent, she was nowhere near her friends' income bracket.

Leonard cleared his throat, determined to regain the high ground, “This proves nothing.”

“Was it not you who challenged me to this financial show and tell?” Sheldon asked.

“Y-y-yeah, but it still doesn’t prove anything,” Leonard stuttered, “You still couldn’t do my job, while yours is easy as pie. All you do is sit in your office doodling on whiteboards.”

“And yet I still get paid more than you,” Sheldon retorted.

“Score another one for Sheldon. Dude, I don’t know if they added hot sauce to your order of Chinese but you’re en fuego.” Howard comments with a grin. Penny and Raj had to agree.

“All right, let’s settle this, I currently have five pending experiments that Stanford, MIT, and Harvard are all concurrently conducting. On Monday, we go to Gablehauser and ask him to allow a temporary switch. If you can replicate any of the experiments and publish the results, I’ll concede you are better than me.”

Sheldon shook his head, and Leonard smiled smugly, he knew Sheldon would eventually back down. 

“I already proved I’m better than you. No, if we are to conduct a proper contest, for the duration that I am doing your job you have to do mine, however, we will have an independent adjudicator verify our results, I suggest two of the senior faculty. If you can do my job, not only will I publicly acknowledge your derivative field of physics that even a C-average grad student can do is a legitimate field of physics, but I will move out and you’ll never hear from or have to deal with me ever again. However, if I can do your job, but you can’t do mine then you must write and sign a legally-binding Statement of Facts detailing why the university hasn’t had any federal contracts since the rocket fuel project and submit it to the administration since I believe given your lack of anything notable since your onboarding, the university has been paying for dead weight.”

“What are you nuts, that’ll ruin me. Not to mention will probably get me thrown into federal prison!” Leonard screeched.

“As my Meemaw used to say when she couldn’t hit certain spares in bowling, ‘Them’s the breaks.’ Or you could just concede that I’m the superior academic and I have free rein to mock your field of physics as I see fit.”

“Ooh, Sheldon Cooper from the top rope!” Howard continues to commentate.

Leonard scowled, “Fine!” Extending his hand for Sheldon to shake. He rolled his eyes when Sheldon first put hand sanitiser onto his hands before they shook hands.

“I look forward to what you can accomplish in the realm of theoretical physics. Now if you’ll all excuse me, it’s past my bedtime.” He grabbed his binder and left down the hallway and into his room.

Leonard stood there somewhat shellshocked, his hand still extended, he pulled it back before turning to his friends, “Uh, what just happened?”

“You made a deal with the devil disguised as Sheldon for your soul and when you lose he’ll definitely come and collect,” Howard deadpanned.

Leonard walked stiffly toward his big chair and sat down, looking ahead blankly, “You think I can still withdraw?”

Howard nods, “Yeah sure, nothing’s been done yet but like the tin man said then he would have free rein to mock your field of physics as he sees fit.”

“Let me get this straight,” Eric Gablehauser says sitting up in his chair, “You want to do each other’s jobs temporarily?”

“That’s the gist of it, yeah,” Leonard shrugs.

“And you want Meyers and Weiss to act as your referees.” Sheldon and Leonard nod. 

“And how long will this last?”

“Until I can complete his experiments or one of us throws in the towel figuratively. Most likely him,” Sheldon thumbed toward Leonard.

“It is highly unorthodox, but perhaps it could yield some positive results.” Gablehauser steeples his hands in front of him, “Except I’m adding my own rules to this little, whatever it is between the two of you, 90 days maximum. Then you return to your corners. I will humour you because well, frankly it amuses me, but if you hurt the university’s reputation in any way during this little experiment I will not hesitate to not only terminate this little contest but also your jobs. Do we understand each other?”

Leonard and Sheldon nod. 

“I assume you have your own set of ground rules for this bizarre little trial run?”

Sheldon nods, and presents it to their department chair, “Yes, we both signed it last night.”

Gablehauser looks it over, “Okay, is this my copy?”

Sheldon nods.

“All right, gentlemen. Off you go. I’ll inform President Siebert and the department of your little competition so they aren’t confused as to why the Senior Theoretical Physicist is working in the lab and the Associate Lead Experimental Physicist isn’t.”

The only thing that hadn’t changed for the bet was the offices, and it wasn’t until Raj came in that Leonard realised he should have pushed for that too.

“Have a seat, Raj.” 

Raj gave him an uncomfortable smile as he squeezed in between a couple of makeshift whiteboards.

“Is your office the reason why you and Penny never had sex in it?” Raj asked.

Leonard grimaced. His breakup with Penny was still fresh, they had only been broken up three months, and he knew there was still a chance they could get back together. “Well, I never spent much time in my office so I guess they never needed to give me a bigger one,” he redirected.

Raj shook his head.

“What?”

“Dude, even Howard’s office is bigger than yours and he never uses it. Like ever. His name’s on it and there’s a desk and cabinets and stuff but he spends 95 percent of his time in the engineering labs. This,” the Indian man gestures around with his finger, “is a hole in the wall, this tells me the university doesn’t give a shit about you.”

“They’re still paying me, so they care somewhat,” Leonard shrugs.

Raj chuckles ruefully, “Not for long.”

“What do you mean?”

Raj takes a breath, “Leonard, you’re a smart guy, but even you should know not to tango with Sheldon Cooper when it comes to science. He may look down at your field of physics and call it ‘derivative’ but he has intimate knowledge of everything it takes to do your job and do it correctly. I doubt you can do what he can. When this is over, I would be worried the administration finds out that you’ve been sandbagging for seven years and hire somebody else who can do your job, as well as what that Statement of Facts will do to you.”

“So you think I bit off more than I could chew?” Leonard surmised.

Raj nodded, “I don’t know exactly what Sheldon does all day but it sure as hell isn’t just ‘doodling on whiteboards’,” he made air quotes, “Also think about it this way Leonard, Sheldon was able to go to Human Resources in 2004 and create a position out of thin air for me so I could stay at the university as his ‘assistant’. I don’t know anybody on campus who has that kind of sway with Human Resources. He made an ass out of himself during the Chancellor’s Award banquet and they still gave him the award. He received an NSF-Caltech grant to go to the Arctic by himself, and when we did what we did; he fell on his sword, resigned, and moved back to Texas. But literally the day after we got him home he was offered his old job back with the only stipulation being that his work be reviewed at every step. Unless you can replicate whatever it is Sheldon does, there is no way you are winning this. Well, I need to get back to my dark matter hypothesis, so I’ll leave you to doodle.”

“So, Dumbass, I hear you’ll be Leonard for the next few months,” Leslie taunts.

Looking up at the laser setup, Sheldon looks at the one person who can get under his skin regularly. Not because she is smarter or because she is better at her job, it’s because she can make him question his own methodology. “Hardly Leslie, Leonard hasn’t been able to prove anything in months. I am simply here to show him and the rest of the university why that is. Because Leonard Hofstadter is a subpar intellect who has ridden his mother’s coattails to a cushy job yet complains that his mother is stifling him.”

Leslie was taken aback by Sheldon Cooper’s blunt takedown of his roommate. She had a feeling that everything wasn’t all peachy keen after they all arrived back from the Arctic. She wondered after he was rehired, if Sheldon Cooper was simply playing the long revenge game and now finally executing it. “So what, you’re gonna do his job for him?”

“Exactly. He has five pending experiments, I reckon within a month I can successfully complete three of them and have results peer-reviewed and published—yet another thing Leonard has failed to accomplish. I will make him or his position at the university redundant once I’m through.” Sheldon tells her as he continues the setup.

Leslie has to admit, Sheldon Cooper with balls is pretty hot. “Need any help?”

“From you? On this? Honestly, I could do this blindfolded and still produce better results than Leonard has ever come up with in his career. But I appreciate the offer.” Sheldon continues to set the lasers.

Chapter Text

It’s been a week and Leonard is starting to understand just what kind of hole he’s in. Raj is right, Sheldon doesn’t just doodle on whiteboards. He regrets ever saying that. It’s only been a week and he understands why people put up with Sheldon’s crazy—because the man is brilliant. He was called into a brainstorm three days after they began the wager and he couldn’t explain Sheldon’s methodology on the current formulations of string theory. He could only understand maybe a third of what he was trying to explain anyway. They broke the brainstorm and he was told to come up with his own formulation that made sense. Now seeing just what his roommate deals with, he feels guilty for ever fucking with the guy’s Arctic experiment—but he’ll only admit that to himself. He heard whispers after the brainstorm from Carl Weiss, one of the “refs” and the only other senior theoretical physicist on staff—aside from Sheldon—that he was dumb as a rock. That stung, especially since he was particularly proud of his 173 IQ. 

Leonard had been staring at a blank whiteboard since, going on three days. No wonder Sheldon goes into these manic work-only moods sometimes. Leonard wanted to yell out at the injustice of it all, he hated that his roommate’s genius shtick wasn’t an act. He hated it even more when he saw how easily Sheldon was able to concurrently conduct not one, but three experiments and get results. Sheldon has achieved more in his lab in a week than he had in months. Maybe he wasn’t cut out for the natural sciences, maybe his mother was right and he was better suited for the social sciences. After all, his father is an anthropologist. But he had fought his mother and told her that she doesn’t always know what’s best. And because his mother was also in the social sciences he had tried to distance himself as far from her as possible, at all costs.

On Monday, Gablehauser visited him after he had written the barest of the beginnings of a potential string theory formulation—he doesn’t even know if this one is viable, but at least in his head it made sense.

“Dr. Gablehauser, what can I do for you?” He smiled.

“I just came in to check on your progress on a new string theory formulation,” Gablehauser said casually.

“Oh, well, here it is,” Leonard gestures to the whiteboard with three lines of mathematical notation.

Gablehauser looks it over, “Interesting… where’s the rest of it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you ended it with a closed bracket and a plus sign so where’s the rest of it?”

Leonard looks sheepish, “This is all I could come up with in five days, since the brainstorm.” Given how Gablehauser’s face suddenly morphed into a scowl he knew that was the wrong thing to say.

“Sit down Leonard,” Gablehauser pointed to a chair, and he sat immediately, “Caltech is not a jock school, we will never be on par athletically with the likes of UCLA or USC—their athletic departments play a major part in their funding. We, however, survive with our smarts, our original research, and collaborations with certain aspects of the federal government for grant money as well as donors. The last category makes up a significant part of Caltech’s annual research budget. We get donations from some of the leading scientific and philanthropic minds in the country and the world because they understand the quality of our original research. Do you get what I’m trying to say here?”

“Sort of,” Leonard says meekly.

“Well, if it isn’t clear enough, if this,” Gablehauser taps the whiteboard, “is your quality of original research then you aren’t cut out for employment at Caltech, because our donors expect results. And on a related note, I was just down at your lab observing your roommate and he has not only taken to the field like a fish to water but according to Dr. Meyers, he is within weeks of submitting the proofs on all three of his initial experiments. If I recall, when you received those experiments you said something along the lines of it taking an entire team of you, Dr. Meyers, Dr. Winkle, with assistance from Dr. Khan in Mathematics six months to successfully replicate and generate the proofs for just one of those experiments. Dr. Cooper is 21 weeks ahead of your schedule, threefold. If he is successful we might not only beat Stanford, MIT, and Harvard in this rat race but we may be able to secure the experimental project grant from the Institute of Education Sciences. So do better.” Gablehauser stood and left.

Leonard sighed as he tried to remember the rest of his string theory formulation.

That night in 4A, the mood was frosty at best. Since Sheldon had taken over Leonard's position in the lab he had Raj drive him home to allow him extra lab time. Initially, Leonard had been overjoyed, the less he saw of his roommate the better, but now all that meant was while Leonard was taking things easy after work, Sheldon was getting a head start on projects he couldn’t even figure out how to do without the need of three other researchers. 

Howard came over and saw Leonard at a whiteboard, staring at it intently, arms folded and capped marker bouncing against his lips.

“What’s he doing?” Howard asked Penny who was in her spot looking at her ex-boyfriend in confusion.

“He looks like he’s trying to pass a kidney stone,” Penny whispers.

Howard snickers.

“How long has he been doing that?”

“Since I came over half an hour ago. I said if he’s having problems he should ask Sheldon and he got really pissy.”

“Ahh,” Howard nods knowingly, “He’s trying to make up for the fact that,” Howard points to the three lines of math notation, “that is all he’s been able to come up with in five days and that includes the weekend, meanwhile Sheldon in the week since he’s been in the lab has not only been able to replicate three experiments at the same time but the senior faculty member on staff there says he might be able to have the proofs and the write-ups by the end of the month. That is light-speed work compared to what Leonard has or rather hasn’t done.”

“I can hear you, you know.” Leonard groused still looking at the board.

“Yeah well, your fault for making a deal with the devil, man. Sheldon is a lot of things, but stupid is definitely not one of those.” Howard counters.

At that moment, Sheldon and Raj come in with bags of Thai food. They set the takeout bags down and Sheldon looks up at Leonard and his board, “You know, if you added a quadrilateral to the end you could explain how and why your four points could connect.”

Leonard turned and glared at his roommate. “Shut up, Sheldon,” he huffed, then turned back to his board and looked at his equation and had to admit that Sheldon was right. He sighed and started to write a quadrilateral, mumbling under his breath all the while. Sheldon figured out in 10 seconds what it took him five days to come up with. It wasn’t fair. He could see now why even Penny was impressed with his roommate’s work that first day they met her, while she had shown only token interest in his; he takes some solace in knowing that eventually, and for however brief, he and Penny did end up together.

Dinner was eaten in silence, until Leonard yelled at Sheldon out of the blue, “Why do you always have to make me look stupid?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Don’t play innocent with me,” Leonard scoffed, “You just had to take up three projects at the same time and make me look like a do-nothing bum, didn’t you?” He accused angrily.

Sheldon swallowed his food, put his container down, and wiped his mouth before answering, “Leonard, it is not my fault you find replication of theory difficult. Since I come from the theoretical side, I understand the methodology that it takes to turn an idea into something tangible. Similarly, given how easy I am finding this, I question your commitment to the general field altogether. While, yes, we are in technically different fields of physics, one should be able to go from idea to practical application and practical application back to the drawing board seamlessly. You seem unable to do either. It would be akin to an architect being unable to produce a replica of a building from someone else’s blueprints because they couldn’t read the blueprints.”

Leonard gave his roommate a look of derision and went back to his food.

“I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that, it is not my fault you think you are better than you are and when you can’t match wits you resort to childish antics. Challenging me to this wager, for instance. I thought you knew discretion was the better part of valour.”

Leonard scoffs, “Discretion?!” The experimental physicist screeched, “What do you know about discretion? You open your mouth about everything!”

“That’s debatable, but when I do, I have evidence to back up my claims.”

Howard, Raj, and Penny nodded in agreement with Sheldon’s statement.

Leonard growled into his dinner but said nothing else.

On Friday, Leonard had just gotten out of another strategy session and while this one went better than his first, he fully understood what a huge mistake he had made in messing with Sheldon’s Arctic experiment. When he volunteered to spearhead the new experiment efforts, the entire panel glared at him. They told him that while the university didn’t officially punish him for anything that happened on the Arctic expedition because it would’ve caused a huge negative PR storm and probably affected donor funding, the higher-ups knew. Sheldon Cooper is many things but his methods and attention to detail are impeccable, if Leonard had read the false report he would know that even though Sheldon got bad data, he was sound in his approach which was why the report he filed wasn’t totally derided as false by the whole community at large. In fact, a joint team from MIT, CERN, Harvard, and a team of Canadian Arctic researchers conducted his experiment in the magnetic North Pole nine months later and found that he was onto something, it was only the sheer amount of positives in his report that raised questions. And the administration knew where to look. 

Leonard came out of that meeting more wary of his roommate and his pull in the scientific community than ever; he thought he had been so slick. He had embarrassed Sheldon, caused him to run away in shame, and received no consequence from the university, in the end, even got together with Penny. But like everything good in his life it wasn’t to last. Sheldon came back and his career rebounded in a big way as if the embarrassment in the Arctic never happened, and Leonard lost Penny after just nine months. He walked by Sheldon’s office and found him inside working on an equation.

“Give up, huh?” Leonard asked rhetorically smugly stepping into the taller man’s office, “I told you it wasn’t as easy as it looked.”

Sheldon turned and looked at his roommate, “Actually, I’m working on the proofs for all three experiments, testing concluded this morning. Dr. Meyers was particularly pleased.”

Leonard’s jaw dropped, “You’ve successfully replicated all three experiments?! But even MIT said it would take almost a year for them!”

Sheldon shrugged, “For them maybe, but my brain is better than everybody’s.”

“B-b-but that’s impossible!”

Sheldon rolled his eyes at the shorter man, “Improbable, not impossible. If it was impossible then no one would attempt it no matter the unrestricted time constraints. I should have the proofs ready for Dr. Meyers by Wednesday as well as the reports which he can begin to peer review. I can then set up the remaining two experiments.”  

“Hey buddy,” Leonard tried to placate Sheldon, “What’s the rush, huh? It’s not like this was a permanent switch.”

“My expedience has nothing to do with the temporary nature of our arrangement. As I’ve been saying, anyone worth their salt could do your job and do it well, and I’m going to finish.” 

Leonard scowled at the slight as his roommate continued to write but said nothing and left.

A week later, Leonard was working on his latest proposal since Dr. Weiss didn’t sign off on his quadrilateral theorem mainly because he couldn’t thoroughly defend it. Was this what Sheldon endured after the Arctic? Leonard knew his roommate had his work scrutinised at every turn for about 26 weeks after they returned, but he thought Sheldon needed a good dressing down, but his roommate was as stoic and a pain in the ass as ever. In short, himself, so Leonard couldn’t tell the difference. But if this was what Sheldon went through and still made a full career recovery in just six short months… it took Sheldon less time to put his career back together than it took Leonard to get Penny to date him. He doesn’t know what part of that hurts more, the fact that even though he falsified Sheldon’s results his career recovery took less time or that during the short period that Penny was his girlfriend, Sheldon rebounded, advanced his research and has continued to wow the scientific community; meanwhile he lost the girl of his dreams, failed in back-to-back experiments, and essentially sabotaged Sheldon for nothing. Sometimes life truly wasn’t fair. He’d been staring at his whiteboard for two hours and having written only a partial equation when Gablehauser came to see him.

“Morning Leonard,” Gablehauser looked at his whiteboard, “Ah, working on a new hypothesis, excellent.” Then sat down.

“What can I do for you, Dr. Gablehauser?” Leonard asked.

“You can come to dinner on Friday.”

“I’m sorry?” The experimental physicist was somewhat confused.

“The Donor Foundation’s Dinner on Friday. This is the largest single event of the four donation drives we hold every year. Last year, because of the ongoing Arctic expedition Dr. Cooper obviously couldn’t make it, and this year due to your little switcheroo, Dr. Meyers has him courting the donors at the Alumni Honours Dinner. So, I’m requesting your attendance in his place.” Gablehauser elaborated.

“Uh, sure, um, I’ll be there.” Leonard fidgeted.

Gablehauser stood up in a joyous mood, “Good. It’ll be held at the Langham on Oak Knoll. Seven o’clock. You may bring a date if you wish.” Gablehauser said finally then left.

Leonard sat there concocting a plan, he may not be as smart as Sheldon but he sure as hell was much more socially savvy. He could use this opportunity to show the university he was a necessary part of the department. And as an added bonus he potentially could get Penny back, if he invited her as his date. The Langham Huntington Hotel is one of Los Angeles’ most beautiful and exclusive hotels, it could rekindle the spark they had. He smiled and called Penny.

“Hello.” Penny’s voice answered through the receiver.

“Hey Penny, it’s Leonard.”

“I know Leonard, all phones have caller ID now.”

“Oh yeah… sorry. Hey listen, are you doing anything Friday night? I was just invited to a donor’s dinner at the Langham and I’d really like to treat you.”

It took a while for Penny to answer, “Ooh sorry sweetie, I’m busy then, I already promised Sheldon I’d go to the university on Friday with him.”

“What?!” Leonard screeched into his phone an octave higher than usual.

“Yeah, he asked me after my shift last Tuesday.”

“Well…,” Leonard said composing himself, “dump him. Come on, the Langham is a much nicer place than the university conference rooms or wherever.”

“No,” Penny sighed, “And besides he had the decency to ask me in person, not over the phone like I’m a booty call.”

“I… I-I didn’t mean to insinuate that, it’s just this is kinda last minute and—”

“—And you thought I would happily accept being your ego boost and I would accept because it’s at a nice hotel and you were probably thinking that maybe afterwards we could re-spark whatever we had?” She cut him off angrily.

Leonard was thankful this wasn’t a FaceTime call or else his expression would’ve given him away. Was he that transparent?

“Look Leonard,” Penny continued, “We tried it okay, and we didn’t work, that’s usually what leads to people breaking up. I like you as a friend and honestly, after dating you, that’s it. That’s all.”

“Then come with me as a friend,” he tried.

“What part of ‘I’m busy’ and ‘I promised Sheldon’ don’t you get?”

“Come on, it’s just Sheldon! It’s not like you’ll know anybody there.” He immediately regretted saying that the second it came out of his mouth.

“And who would I know if I went to your thing instead? You?! At least going with Sheldon means I can have a nice time getting to know other people without my date hoping to get lucky later, based solely on the fact that I’m his date!” Penny yelled then ended the call abruptly.

Leonard looked at his phone then at the ceiling and cursed his luck, “ Man, I can’t catch a break.”

Since it was last minute, and because they had a prior physical-only arrangement he asked Leslie and she agreed, under the condition that there be no chance of her sleeping with him following the function. When he and Leslie arrived, Gablehauser was not at all surprised to see Leslie on his arm.

“Dr. Winkle, pleased you could make it. Perhaps you and Dr. Hofstadter can do what no other faculty member has been able to do and out-fundraise Dr. Cooper tonight,” Gablehauser joked; they smiled, “If you’ll excuse me.”

“What’s Gablehauser talking about?” Leonard asked Leslie.

“What, you didn’t know; I thought you lived with the guy? Dr. Dumbass is a donor magnet at these things, that’s why he hates coming. Supposedly, he was able to fund the private part of his Arctic trip with just two appearances the year before he left.” Leslie explained.

That was news to Leonard. He never saw Sheldon dressed up or leave the apartment the year before they actually left on the expedition. Then again, Penny had moved in and he was splitting his time between trying to get with her and sleeping with Stephanie, so he may have missed something. But it was unusual for Sheldon not to mention going to fundraisers.    

Leonard was mingling with Perry Erickson, who was president of one of the largest commercial solar panel distributors on the West Coast, discussing ionic bonds when he made a joke about the man’s rather vigorous marriage history—married three times with six children—that seemed to turn off his pre-dinner chat companion and the man quickly left. He then settled into a conversation with Dennis Hess, one of the university’s most prominent contributors and a key voice in scientific media. It was over a discussion about his lack of media appearances that Leonard joked that like Hess he probably had a face for radio. Leslie had subtly pinched him for that and quickly dragged him away.

“Why’d you do that?” Leonard asked confused.

“Because I don’t want you to lose all our donations,” she hissed.

“Oh please,” he brushed off her concern, “Mr. Hess knows it’s a joke.” 

“If you want to make jokes go to an open mic night, this is a serious university function. These guys have deep pockets and all they’re really worried about is whether or not their money is being spent wisely. So can the crap jokes and just talk research!”

“You’re overreacting, this is a social function, people laugh, people joke; it’s fine.”

“People also don’t spend $1,500/plate to get insulted, and we haven’t even served the appetisers!”

“Relax—“

Leslie pulled him into the foyer and poked him in the chest, “No, Leonard, you of all people can’t relax. Do you know why? Because Gablehauser is testing you, if you screw up with the donors you’re pretty much outta here. I hate Sheldon Cooper as a person, but there is no denying he is a brilliant man. He has managed to do in a month what you haven’t in over six months—three times over! If you give Gablehauser reason to think you are expendable, you’ll be out of a job by the end of the night. So you need to cool off the My First Stand Up act and just try and be a nice, charming, and intellectually gifted researcher the rest of the night.”

Leonard sighed, Leslie was right, he didn’t need to give the administration more reason to look at him more closely.

Penny had never had a more fun time—and with Sheldon of all people. She never thought that was possible. But ever since he and Leonard had begun this weird bet of theirs, she saw subtle signs in the past few weeks that maybe Sheldon Cooper was not the anal, pushover outcast she and a lot of people thought he was. Even though his speech and mannerisms were the same, it was more assertive and that did things to her. 

When Leonard had called her she lied and told him that Sheldon had asked her last Tuesday, which he did, just not to attend the dinner—he had done that at the beginning of the month on Thai Night. He had been asked to perform a couple of weeks ago and asked her for help. They settled on the Elvis Presley and Ann-Margret duet “The Lady Loves Me” from the 1964 musical comedy “Viva Las Vegas”. They had come to that compromise because Sheldon only needed to be the entertainment for about four minutes and the song had some very clever science and pop culture references they could use, and mainly because Penny said she doesn’t sing—not for a lack of trying—but Sheldon convinced her she could copy Ann-Margret’s singing style which is essentially talking on beat. They had changed a single lyric from ‘egotist’ to ‘scientist’ and had been practising their routine for two weeks. Penny was more than impressed when Sheldon showed her he could play the guitar. She had been discovering new things about him since the bet was made and honestly, she liked this Sheldon.

Their performance was a hit, and surprising for Penny, it got her an audience with the Department Chair of the Math Department who because this was LA, had a friend at Paramount, and said she could arrange a coffee meeting for Penny to talk about the studio's upcoming projects. Penny was elated by the prospect. After that, she sat and mingled with Sheldon, and he pleasantly introduced her as, “my co-star Penny Teller”. It wasn’t a lie, and because of the song they sang and the way she was by his side, the guests just inferred that they were together; even though they weren’t. There was no need for explanation—like there was with Leonard.

She met some of the smartest people in physics, and not once during the dinner did Sheldon refer to experimental physics as derivative. It wasn’t until later in the town car—that Sheldon rented—that she asked and he told her why.

“Penny, as much as I dislike Leonard’s approach to experimental physics, it is a necessary branch of study, so I will not speak ill of it to donors especially when I’m trying to get them to donate large sums to the university—my place of employment—that would reflect negatively on me and the university.”

Penny understood, at least he was aware of social cues enough to not bad mouth people funding his work.

“I will also add that tonight was rather interesting, you see, I abhor these types of events and I only attend when necessary or when persuaded. I keep mum about them to not rouse Leonard’s jealousy or suspicion—as I’m sure you can imagine why,” Penny nods and he continues, “However, I’ve never attended the Alumni Honours Dinner before, and I didn’t know I was supposed to be the entertainment, I typically attend the Donor Foundation’s Dinner wherein I mostly talk about my research. Tonight, was… rather fun, with you by my side and for once I didn’t feel so awkward, so thank you Penny for accompanying me tonight.” Sheldon gave her a genuine smile.

Penny smiled. “Aww, you’re welcome, sweetie. I had a fun and productive night too, just by being here with you.”

Sheldon nodded, “I saw. Dr. Miranda Quigley is a brilliant mathematician. You should do all you can to prepare for the meeting she’ll set up for you.”

Penny beamed, “Sheldon, you sound like you have a crush,” she joked, but that somehow also hurt her.

Chapter Text

On Tuesday morning, Leonard had been in his office for a couple of hours when he was called in to see President Siebert. He gulped, he hoped it wasn’t because of what he did at the Dinner. When he made it to the president’s office, Gablehauser was there, as was Lauren Stefanac, Executive Director of Annual Giving Programs. Leonard knew it was about the dinner—Leslie was right.

“Good morning, Leonard,” President Siebert began after offering him a seat with a gesture, “It has come to my attention that you attended the Foundation’s Dinner, I was required to attend the Honours Dinner, but I digress. I hear from both Dr. Gablehauser and Mrs. Stefanac that your first foray into donor fundraising wasn’t exactly smooth, to put it mildly. As a matter of fact, Mr. Hess has threatened to withhold his legacy grant contribution because according to Dr. Gablehauser, you told Mr. Hess to his face that he has a face for radio. Is that true?”

Leonard felt a sweat drop dribble down his temple, “Y-yes,” he admitted quietly.

“The question then is why?” Siebert asked.

“I was making jokes, he mentioned something about me not being on or in science media—“

“Which is true,” Gablehauser interjected.

“—And I just made a joke that maybe like him I have a face for radio.”

Siebert and Gablehauser looked at each other, mulling over the next steps. 

“Do you know how much Hess and his organisation give to the Caltech Fund?” Siebert asked. Leonard shook his head. “Lauren?”

“His donations last fiscal year was roughly 4.2 percent of our total intake,” Stefanac told him, “Or to put it simply $355,637. He is only one of 50 consistent Palladium level donors.”

Siebert sighed, “In one night, I take that back, in maybe 30 seconds you were able to insult one of the university's biggest donors. I would have thought with both of your parents being academics you would have known that is a cardinal sin in our field.” Leonard looks sheepish. “Hess is responsible for your lab’s new nanolaser, and for partially funding your last project.” 

Leonard’s mouth dropped.  

Siebert saw his employee’s look of shock, “I see you realise your mistake, however, in order for us to put this to rights we are placing you on temporary administrative leave.”

“What?! No, you can’t do that!” Leonard said vehemently lurching forward and grabbing the edge of Siebert’s desk, he then realised who he was talking to, deflated, and sat back in his seat. After a while, he said, “Look, let me fix it, I know I can.”

Gablehauser and Siebert looked dubious.

“And if you can’t?”

“But I can!”

“Humour me, if you can’t?” Siebert pressed.

Leonard took a breath, “Then I’m up a creek without a paddle,” he said quietly.

Very deliberately, Siebert gave in, “All right, one chance,” He held up one finger, “You have until Friday.”

Leonard sighed in relief, “Thank you, you won’t regret it.”

“History is telling me otherwise,” Siebert said cryptically. “You may go.”

When Leonard returned to his office he racked his brain thinking of a dignified way to apologise. After a while, he settled on the direct approach. He’ll just call Hess and tell him he’s sorry and that his comments aren’t in any way a reflection of the university, and to not withhold his contribution to the Caltech Fund. Calling Hess’s office was simple enough, getting him on the phone was a different matter. He was put on hold for 35 minutes, then routed back to the switchboard operator and put on hold again for another 10 minutes before his call was answered.

“Dennis Hess.”

“Uh, hello Mr. Hess, this is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, we met at the Donor Foundation’s Dinner.”

“Oh, yeah… I remember. The short, little guy who told me I had a face for radio,” Hess droned, “What do you want?”

“You can accept my sincerest apologies, I meant no harm, it was just a joke. And it is certainly not a reflection of the university’s morals and ideals.”

Hess chuckled through the phone, “Ah, Siebert is sweating because I told Annual Giving I was withholding my contribution. So he’s making you apologise.”

“That’s… the gist of it,” Leonard said slowly.

“Well, since I’m in a good mood, you can tell Siebert I won’t withhold my contribution—“

Leonard sighed in relief.

Hess laughed again, “Don’t go counting your chickens just yet, Hofstadter. I’ll not withhold my contribution on one condition.”

“Which is?”

“You leave Caltech.”

Leonard was thankful it was a phone call so the other man couldn’t see his shocked expression. He recovered in time to ask, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I want you out. I’ve been footing the bill for your department for years and I’ve seen nothing from my investment. That tells me you are either a poor excuse of a researcher or you have your head somewhere else, probably up your own ass. How is it possible that in seven years as a researcher, you haven’t produced a single book, interview, or even a paper of note? What in the hell is the university paying you for? Your rapier wit?!”

“Look… Mr. Hess—“

“No, you listen, Hofstadter, your name is probably what got you your job. After all, your mother is a highly published and renowned psychiatrist; your father is one of the country’s leading anthropologists and an expert in Greek, Russian, and Germanic cultures. What exactly have you done? Except waste mine and others' money.”

“Mr. Hess, I can assure you, I contribute plenty to the university,” Leonard tried to placate the upset donor.

“Really?” Hess asked sceptically.

“Yes…”

Hess cleared his throat into the receiver, “You know how I know you’re full of shit?”

“Uh…”

“Because you fold like a cheap suit every time anybody genuinely calls BS on your BS. You say that you contribute plenty to the university; well, if that’s true, then where’s the evidence to prove it? Where are the aforementioned books, interviews, and papers? You’ve replicated some experiments in your time, but not enough to justify a continued contribution to your department. Because simply you are not worth it.” Hess told him sternly. 

“Look, Mr. Hess, if this is about the joke I’m truly sorry,” Leonard tried desperately.

“You think I would jeopardise private research money over a joke? No, I’m withholding it over the fact that the one individual who has benefitted significantly from nearly a million dollars in donations hasn’t done shit with it. So if the university wants to keep my business, all I ask is that they get rid of a short, pudgy, four-eyed piece of dead weight.” Hess told him then hung up the phone.

Leonard stared at his phone in disbelief. This was the second time in a matter of weeks that he had been called that; first, by Sheldon which he ultimately ignored, but given how adept his roommate was at his job he had a niggling feeling that the taller man was onto something. And now a major donor, one who for all intents and purposes had him by the proverbial balls. If he didn’t resign, the university would lose a major financial asset, if he did resign then he’d have to recount his sins committed against the university because he had stupidly signed a legally-binding commitment when he and Sheldon made the bet on the promise that he could be rid of Sheldon by the end of the bet, he was now screwed. Either way, his days at Caltech were numbered.

He decided to let the situation stew overnight before meeting with Gablehauser and Siebert. He spent the morning cleaning out his office in preparation to simply leave after the meeting, he would take his lumps like a man. He walked into the President’s Office and waited until Gablehauser showed up and together they walked into the office itself. 

When they both walked in, Leonard inwardly groaned at the sight of the university’s general counsel also present.

Gablehauser took a seat to the side of Siebert’s desk, Leonard sat in a wooden chair dead-centre.

“May I assume that your need to meet so quickly means there’s been a resolution?” Siebert asked.

Leonard nodded, “Yes.”

The university president smiled, “Excellent, I appreciate your proactiveness in rectifying your mistake. You may go,” Siebert dismissed him but Leonard didn’t leave. “Is there something more?”

He swallowed hard, “Actually yes. Mr. Hess agreed to not withhold his contribution on one condition—“

‘Which is?” Siebert interrupted.

“My resignation from the university,” Leonard admitted.

Both Siebert and Gablehauser were stunned by the revelation. 

“And just what are you going to do?” Gablehauser asked.

“I don’t want the university to lose a major donor especially one as influential as Mr. Hess, therefore,” he reached in and pulled out a sealed envelope and placed it on the president’s desk, “Inside is my letter of resignation effective immediately, you may use that to convince Mr. Hess that I am gone for good.”

Siebert takes the envelope but doesn’t open it, “Why was his condition that you resign?”

“Because according to him I’ve not done quote ‘enough to justify a continued contribution to your department. Because simply you are not worth it’ end quote.”

Siebert and Gablehauser share a look before Gablehauser asks, “And what do you think? Do you think you are worth our continued investment?”

Leonard paused, this to him seemed like a trick question, there was no way he could answer it without exposing his lack of tangible achievements. “I believe that is a subject that is better left unexplored,” he said cautiously.

That apparently didn’t satisfy the higher-ups.

“Why?” Siebert asked.

Leonard paused again, “Let’s just say, I’d rather not do a deep dive of nothing.” The second the words left his mouth he wished he could take them back—he had just brought his lack of productivity into the limelight in front of the administration. His eyes went wide, “I- I didn’t—” he stammered but was cut off.

“What do you mean a deep dive of nothing?” Gablehauser asked, knowing full well what his subordinate meant.

“Uh—” Leonard stalled, but Siebert beat him to it.

“When Dr. Gablehauser informed me of your little wager with Dr. Cooper, I must admit I was intrigued. I, as well as most of the faculty, wanted to know if the experiments presented were just as difficult and time-consuming as you claim or whether you were sandbagging. Given Dr. Cooper’s impressive replication of three of your initial slate of projects, I can only conclude that what Mr. Hess said is true, you are simply not worth it. I don’t know why you thought a position at Caltech was a position of leisure, but,” Siebert stood, walked over to a file cabinet and pulled out two folders, “you are right too, Leonard. You have nothing. These,” Siebert points to the folders in his hand, “are your employment records. I had Human Resources pull them yesterday. It is akin to a permanent record of sorts, nothing is spared, from the good to the bad,” Siebert dropped one in front of Leonard, “What you have in front of you is the so-called achievement folder.”

Leonard looks at the thin folder and winces, “May I?” 

Siebert gestures for him to go ahead. What he sees makes him more depressed than the prospect of having to quit. His entire achievement CV at Caltech was a lousy two-and-a-half pages long. The most notable was his grant intake total, of $190,000. Then Siebert dropped the other one, he dreaded what its contents held. When he opened it, his worst fears were realised, it was his disciplinary folder. There wasn’t a lot, but what was there was damning; he didn’t even need to write a confession—the university already knew it all. They knew about the rocket fuel; given the high-profile nature of the project it’d be hard-pressed to believe they didn’t, and why it was cancelled. They knew about the Arctic, the true nature of what happened—that confused him somewhat, if they knew why wasn’t he ever questioned? They knew about his office affair with Leslie and another brief one with Dr. Rebecca Payton, a former chemist now at the University of Chicago. They knew about his botched attempt at MCing the Chancellor’s Banquet—after Sheldon got drunk—which he had no right to do. They knew about his lack of published works which is why he’s on the lowest rung of the pay scale and why his office was basically a hole in the wall. All this time, he honestly thought he was well-paid and well-respected and the only reason he didn’t have a nicer office was that there weren’t any available. The truth hurt. 

“M-m-may I ask a few questions?” Leonard stammered.

“I don’t see why not,” Siebert said, gesturing for Leonard to continue.

Leonard tugged at the collar of his shirt, “Umm, what exactly do you know about my… indiscretions?”

“Everything,” Siebert said firmly.

“Then why wasn’t I ever questioned about them?”

Siebert and Gablehauser shared a look, then Gablehauser took up the response, “Leonard, let’s just put it this way if we had called you in which the general counsel advised us on,” he gestured to the brunette sitting and watching the proceedings, “you would have been unemployed by the spring of 2004 or in other words by the cancellation of the experimental rocket fuel project. Losing the university a federal contract worth millions is certainly within the parameters of office sabotage and we would have been well within our rights to dismiss you. However, Dr. Cooper—your roommate—told us he had squared things away with the Department of Homeland Security and the Department of Defense so there was no need to question you. However, we couldn’t accept that so in lieu of questioning you, we subjected your salary to a five-year pay freeze and a three-year probationary salary at the lowest pay scale to recoup loss damages. This pattern repeated for every subsequent infraction, the biggest being the Arctic. That was an NSF and university-funded exploration. Ultimately, it ended in Dr. Cooper failing and falling on his sword as a result and resigning in disgrace. However, since returning he has not only justified our continued commitment and our research dollars, he has paid us back multiple times over.”

Leonard sat there in stunned disbelief, “W-what has he done?” He ventured to ask, afraid of the answer.

Siebert looks to the general counsel, who nods, then turns back to Leonard, “Well,” Siebert began ticking off, “there’s receiving a $2 million private grant for his Arctic expedition, publishing 57 articles and six books, receiving and accepting speaking invites to numerous universities, and since being employed by the university has raised an astounding $258 million in donor contributions—he is the sole reason your lab has the type of equipment it does.”

Leonard’s mouth dropped, “B-b-but he’s a robot!” Leonard exclaimed, he could stomach that Sheldon was smarter than him, more renowned than him academically, but being able to raise that much since being onboarded by the university meant his roommate was better socially than him too.

“Robot or not,” Siebert shrugged, “Dr. Cooper has never given us any real reason to doubt his academic prowess; you meanwhile have, and if you want the unfiltered truth, the only reason we’ve kept you on despite next to nothing coming from you is to keep Dr. Cooper happy. Without him, you would’ve been gone a long time ago.” Siebert pauses, sits back in his chair, and then begins again, “Dr. Hofstadter, I think it is very gracious of you to resign. With your decision, the university is not liable to offer you a severance package; although I do believe more than half a million dollars in salary for a fruitless research career is more than adequate,” Siebert states, the sharp tone in his voice dripping with loathing. “Furthermore, no recommendations will be provided. Now, you may go.”

Leonard stands, and heads to the door, as he does Jeff Hudson, the head of campus security walks in. 

“Ah, Mr. Hudson, what fortuitous and impeccable timing. Escort Dr. Hofstadter off-campus would you please, and ensure no campus property is taken.” Siebert directs Hudson.

“My pleasure,” the tall, brawny former LAPD policeman grinned, and like a Bond villain henchman cracked his knuckles. Leonard shrank into himself.

On the drive home, Leonard pondered what he was going to do next. The likelihood of him landing another position at any of Los Angeles’ many colleges and universities was slim without adequate recommendation. He could ask his parents—they were outside of Caltech’s reach—but then that would mean grovelling to his mother. He hated that. His bet with Sheldon aside, he had bigger problems to deal with, mainly finding a good job now that he was unemployed and finding some way to come up with rent and utility money later this month.

Leonard waited for Sheldon to come home; he hated being on the back foot, but he especially hated being on the back foot to Sheldon. When the taller man came in—thankfully alone—Leonard told him the whole story; he couldn’t stop the unfortunate word vomit that came from his mouth when Sheldon inquired about the sudden appearance of his office items in the apartment. By the time he was done, he felt as if he had confessed all his sins to a priest and was awaiting penance.

“I am to assume then that our wager is null and void given your lack of continued employment?”

“Yes, Sheldon…” Leonard said with great difficulty to keep the sarcasm out of his voice, he needed Sheldon’s help after all.

“Am I also to assume then that your sudden benevolent behaviour toward me, is an attempt to procure my help or other resources?” Sheldon asked again.

Leonard’s jaw dropped, “H-how did—“

Sheldon didn’t miss a beat, “I may be largely unaccustomed to others' social cues, but yours are not so subtle that even I can’t pick up on them. You have two modus operandi, Leonard, defensive or cocky without cause. Depending on the situation, you’ll resort to one or the other; it is similar to a fight or flight response. In your defensive mode, your posture shifts into one of near supplication wherein you seem to collapse into yourself indicating a form of deference to the person speaking in the hope that they ultimately side with you. Your facial expression takes on one of pleading, with your use of puppy dog eyes. Your speech also takes on a variance of decibel levels and pitch, as if everything said to you is a shock to your system. In your cocky mode, your chest puffs out, you crane your neck above your normal sight line—possibly to appear taller—and you adopt a bizarre hand-wringing motion akin to pulling Play-Doh. Your facial features take on a distinct smug and haughty quality, and you tend to smirk or chuckle at the end of every sentence spoken as if your idea is the greatest or cleverest idea ever thought up. You adopt the defensive mode every time anybody calls you out on anything—our recent bet being case and point—you adopt the cocky mode often but not always after coitus with Penny and at least professionally in the months after the Arctic.”

Leonard was starting to lose patience, he didn’t need to be psychoanalysed right now, especially by a man with so many social issues it’s comical. He crosses his arms defensively, “Are you gonna help me or not?” He asks bluntly.

“What do I get out of helping you out of this particular situation? I have attempted to share my life’s work with you only for you to falsify my results, I have attempted to aid you in your own work by pointing out flaws in your methodology, and I have tried to impart to you the inevitability of your fruitless pursuit of Penny. I have included you in nearly every social aspect of my life and yet I am continually shunned by you. So, I ask again, what possible benefit could helping you out of your pending quest for gainful employment offer me?” Sheldon questions.

Leonard waves off the taller man, “Ah, screw you, I’ll figure out something on my own.”

Sheldon shrugs, “Very well. Will you still be joining us for dinner at The Cheesecake Factory in 15 minutes?”

The bespectacled man narrowed his eyes in frustration at the taller man, but relented; he’ll take as many freebies as possible now, at least until things get settled. “Yeah…”

Dinner was a tense affair, even without Leonard having to say it, Howard and Raj knew he was in deep—the campus rumour mill travels fast—the only one who didn’t know outright was Penny. But she figured something was up when Howard offered to pay for Leonard’s order. Howard never offers to pay for anyone outside of Bernadette.

The next morning, Penny only saw Sheldon leave 4A, at the same time she was heading out to her coffee meeting with the friend at Paramount. She hoped this would lead to something. 

“Hey, Sheldon, where’s Leonard?”

“He’s still in the apartment.”

“Oh, is he sick? I heard there was a 24-hour stomach bug going around.” She joked, wondering if the taller man was still in essence Sheldon.

Sheldon’s eyes widened and he scrambled away from her in alarm.

Penny laughed—still Sheldon confirmed—she thought, “Don’t worry, sweetie. It was localised in Italy, it was on the news last night.” Sheldon relaxed after that. “So why is Leonard still in the apartment? Don’t you guys have mysteries of the universe to solve or something?”

“Leonard resigned yesterday, Penny, as a condition from a significant donor due to his lack of tangible accomplishments despite an abundance of funding. He’s wallowing.” Sheldon explained as they made it down to the lobby where Raj was waiting. 

“Oh…” Penny said somewhat dumbstruck as she watched Sheldon exit the lobby.

“Yes, well, good luck with your meeting with Paramount, Penny.”

Penny cleared her head, looked at her phone, and headed for her car.

Inside 4A, Leonard worked on updating his resumé and finding another job. As he finished he looked up ‘collecting unemployment benefits if you quit’ and unfortunately he was out of luck—again. There was a possibility if he quit for “good cause”. In his mind, quitting to help his former employer retain one of their most prominent donors was considered good cause. But that wasn’t what the law said and he wasn’t financially suited to go hire a lawyer to find out. Deciding to skip the unemployment line, he looked at the list of schools he was going to apply to and a list of part-time jobs he would apply to until the schools got back to him. Aside from physics, his only other real applicable skill was web design—after all, he was the one that set up Penny’s Penny Blossom webpage—and while LA isn’t exactly Silicon Valley, it was an underrated tech hub; if you knew where to look. He applied to be a part-time developer for several start-ups, figuring they would be eager to hire a doctor on staff. Concurrently, he sent his CV and application off to UCLA; UC-Irvine, Northridge, Riverside; Cal-Berkeley; Stanford, Columbia, and just for the hell of it, Princeton. 

When he was done, he thought, all things considered, he had a productive day following his resignation. It was now a waiting game. 

Chapter Text

Sheldon looked up from his notes, as there was a knock on his office door. 

It was Harold Robinson, one of the key financial backers for the first three experiments he had to run when he and Leonard had started the bet. Mr. Robinson was a tall and burly man at 6’5”, and 230 pounds of muscle, he was also extremely wealthy. He had made his money in oil distribution and shipping and was interested in alternative forms of energy. Both the creation of and the utilisation of them. He had funnelled over $25 million into the initial three experiments across several universities that Leonard was supposed to test, which Sheldon ultimately did. 

“Ah, Dr. Cooper, I was hoping to find you, Dr. Gablehauser told me if you weren’t in the lab you would be in your office,” Robinson greeted with a broad smile.

Sheldon stands and offered the man a seat, which he refused, “I won’t be long, I know how important time is to you. I just wanted to thank you for putting my money to good use. With your findings not only will I be able to retool my ships but make them more economical and fuel efficient. So again, thank you. As a token of my esteem, I would like you to have these,” Robinson reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out two tickets and another pass. “I hope you enjoy basketball, if you don’t you may freely give them to someone who does. I would go, but I’m needed in Abu Dhabi, the week of the game, so I thought you could have some fun with them.” 

Sheldon takes the tickets, “Well, thank you very much, Mr. Robinson.”

Robinson smiles, “My pleasure, Dr. Cooper. I will let you get back to work, I look forward to seeing what else you can prove.” The man takes his leave, leaving Sheldon with the tickets.

Sheldon looks over the tickets he’s been given. They are for a Los Angeles Lakers home game and they’re courtside. He has never been to a professional basketball game nor has he ever been within arms length of the players before. He sits there thinking about who to take with the extra ticket but the answer is pretty obvious. 

The rest of the week was rather uneventful, apart from the group sans Leonard deciding on what they were going to wear to Stuart’s Christmas Party. Leonard had said he wasn’t in the mood for Christmas this year and was sitting this one out. They had all shrugged and continued to plan without him. They settled on going as members of The Suicide Squad, mainly because of the theme suggestion Stuart had put out this year: saving the world as a group. They still had a month to prepare. 

“Sheldon sweetie, why don’t you just help Leonard?” Penny asks during Saturday night laundry. “I mean, it’s only been a week and he’s gone insane or more like he’s gone manic-depressive,” she said sorting a dirty shirt into a pile and picking up another.

“Would you prefer the unabridged or the truncated answer, Penny?” Sheldon asks as he too sorts his dirty laundry.

“We can’t leave the laundry unattended so, long one.”

Sheldon looks at her in surprise, Penny just grins back at him, “I need some kind of entertainment during all of this,” she finally tells him and gestures to the piles of clothes still to be sorted.

“Oh, very well.” Sheldon sorts another shirt before he begins, “As I’m sure you are now well aware, Leonard has many actual and perceived physical and psychological deficiencies.” 

Penny sighs, “Yep,” popping the ‘p’ slowly for emphasis.

“Despite those flaws, he bills himself as the perfect model of man—thus my constant referencing of him as a homunculus, a fully formed human just in miniature. He believes that because he possesses a 173 IQ; has regular coitus with women, along with a few girlfriends, including you; had a cushy job at a renowned university that didn’t require any heavy lifting; a steady circle of friends; and some disposable income that he was theoretically on top, given that in his mind his mother never gave him a second glance. He also employs various methods to influence others. I’m sure you’ve seen and been on the receiving end of his constant use of ‘puppy dog eyes’ when he doesn’t get his way, among other methods of asserting himself?” Sheldon asks rhetorically, but Penny nods anyway. “Because of these factors, he has cultivated a massive ego and he believes himself to be impervious to criticism or consequence; not realising that there are often other factors at play to prevent such things.”

“Are you saying you are the reason he’s—”

“So unpleasant?” Sheldon supplied.

“I was gonna use something a lot more colourful, but sure let’s go with that,” Penny chuckled. 

Sheldon nodded, “Yes, I, like Dr. Frankenstein created a monster I could not ultimately control.”

They loaded up the first washers and then Penny quipped, seated beside Sheldon on the laundry room’s folding counter, “Okay, sweetie, but that still doesn’t answer my question.”

“I’m getting to that, Penny. Leonard ultimately uses his ego and his perceived masculinity as a shield. A personal defence mechanism for his own psychological benefit. It is, however, his so-called ‘nice guy’ personality—the one that he has cultivated in his interactions with others—wherein he appears to be openly willing to help; but privately there needs to be an incentive for him. This is the one he uses for tangible gain. For example, the day we met you, he graciously offered to go get your television, but in reality that was a ploy to get close to you. He figured you would be grateful enough afterwards that you would see him as a sort of bespectacled Prince Charming. And while he wasn’t successful in his quest, you did offer to buy lunch so that in his mind counted as a success. There are numerous other examples of Leonard’s so-called noble deeds that have ended in disaster one way or another; his attempt to woo Joyce Kim; his attempt to assist me during the Arctic expedition; and his dalliances with a couple of university faculty both current and former, among others. In conclusion, while I loathe to bring religion into this, Leonard is the very embodiment of the proverb, ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’. He often has good intentions for his actions, however, once acted upon they have far-reaching and unintended consequences for those involved. And I believe, that finally, Leonard has encountered a consequence he cannot escape because frankly people are just fed up and tired of it. And because of that, I won’t perpetuate it. I, too, am tired of it.”

“Oh.” Penny looked thoughtful. 

“If Leonard is held to the fire for his actions, honestly it would be the first time, and I think even you would agree that there needs to be some accountability for his myriad of actions.”

“Yeah,” Penny agreed sadly. Then she switched topics somewhat, “So I was nothing more than a notch on his bedpost, huh?”

“Do you want my honest assessment?”

“It’s the only one I trust,” she said sincerely.

Sheldon gave her a small half-grin, “Leonard after he was successful in getting you to date and having regular coitus with him, viewed it as something comparable to a video game achievement. You were a trophy he finally earned after so long.”

That made Penny feel cheap. She then laughed ruefully, “That… answers a whole lot of questions. Did you know that every time we were out in public—didn’t matter where, didn’t matter who—he would always, always so smugly introduce me as ‘my girlfriend Penny’? Like seriously, we could be ordering dinner and he’d go, ‘Oh, and my girlfriend Penny will have the steak, medium rare,’” she mimicked, “Like what the hell?! I can order for myself!”

“That goes back to my original point. Being with you fed his ego and psychologically made him feel superior to others because he had you. But he knew, I believe subconsciously, that most people wouldn’t understand why you were with him so he proactively made it a point to disclose your relation to him, which in turn also allowed him to project and further stake his claim.”

Penny shook her head, “God, that makes me feel cheap,” she voiced what she had long been thinking. Chuckling, “After a while I knew he was using me as an ego boost, and I guess in some ways I kinda was too. I wanted to prove that I could date a normal, nice guy for once.”

Sheldon was sympathetic, Penny after all was his friend, “As my Meemaw liked to remind Missy after her failed relationships, ‘Darlin’, there are a lot of frogs, but only one prince’,” he said with a Texas drawl before reverting back to his normal Mid-Atlantic accent, “You’ll find yours soon, Penny.”

Penny smiled, placed her hand on top of his, and looked compellingly at the tall Texan, “What if I already found him?” She asked him softly.

The washing machines' simultaneous buzzing broke the tender moment and allowed Sheldon to concentrate on his laundry.

Awesome timing, Penny. Penny bemoaned her own horrendous timing. She hopped off the counter and went to put her wet laundry in the dryer and started a new washer cycle.

After Sheldon starts a new washer cycle, he wonders if there is more to his and Penny’s relationship. In the past, he had been strictly platonic with her on account of Leonard and his insecurities, but his roommate was slowly unravelling and someone he thought of less and less as a friend and therefore someone whose feelings he should take into account when dealing with others. Given his enjoyment of Penny’s company at the Alumni’s Dinner and her sudden declaration now, he wondered if there was a romantic element to their friendship or whether a romantic relationship could be fostered. Luckily he had the perfect way to explore this new potentiality.

By any chance are you a fan of basketball?” He asked her suddenly.

“What?” She was confused.

“Let me clarify, professional basketball. The Los Angeles Lakers.”

“Oh, the Lakers? Yeah, I watch them sometimes.” Her mood and voice was lighter than before.

His eyes lit up, “Would you care to join me for a game on the 19th at the Staples Center?”

“Sweetie, I’d love to, but I don’t have money to spend on Lakers tickets.”

“Which is why I’m inviting you, Penny,” Sheldon affirms, “A university donor was pleased with my latest work and as a reward, he gave me his two season tickets to Monday’s game which I know is your off night. If you need further incentive, they’re also courtside.”

Penny’s eyes went wide, “You have courtside Lakers tickets?!”

“Didn’t I just say that?” Sheldon asked somewhat rhetorically.

Penny shook her head, clearing it, “Never mind. I’ve been dying to catch a Lakers game in person since I came to California, but Kurt was always too cheap to spring for even the nosebleeds.”

Sheldon continued on because he didn’t know quite how to respond to that last comment without sounding rude, “The game starts at 7:30, so shall I pick you up an hour prior to tip-off?”

Penny smiles, “Sure, sweetie that sounds great.” Internally, Penny leapt for joy, maybe there was something there after all.

At five o’clock on Monday, Raj was confused when he went by Sheldon’s office to pick him up only to find his office door was already locked and the lights were off. 

“Huh, that’s strange.” He commented as he tried the door again.  

“What’s strange?” Howard asked as he walked up trailing his best friend.

“Sheldon’s door is locked and the lights are off.”

Howard shrugged, “Maybe the guy went home early.”

“I guess,” Raj said looking at his friend, “But normally he’d at least text me or something, since I’m his ride.”

Howard shrugs again, “I don’t know what to tell ya.”

“You coming over for Thai Night, Leonard invited us,” Raj said.

“Oh is he finally out of his funk? Yeah. I’ll be over by half past six,” Howard tells him. 

“Same,” Raj concurs.

When Leonard arrives home from another job interview, he notices that Sheldon’s stuff is already there. He went and knocked on his roommate’s bedroom door and was surprised when the door opened, Sheldon was dressed in a faded black polo, a green hoodie zip, black jeans, and Nike sneakers.

“Uhh, going somewhere?” Leonard asked taking a step back, taking a double-take at how normal his roommate looked, and somewhat jealous he could pull off the casual night out look so effortlessly.

“Yes.”

“But, it’s Thai Night,” Leonard replied as if that was the keyword to reset this bizarre situation he found himself in. 

Sheldon scowled, “I see you’ve neglected to read my email and the bulletin I posted on your bedroom door since 7 PM last night. I’m waiving my right to Thai Night under Attendance Regulation 13.” And sidestepped Leonard and walked out into the living room.

Leonard was confused, so he ran to his room, took out his copy of the Roommate Agreement and flipped to the ‘Regulations’ section. He read it and was even more baffled. 

Attendance Regulation 13: A roommate may waive his right to a particular night’s meal preference if he gives adequate written notice at least two hours in advance of procurement or production of the meal on the basis of any of the following: socialising away from the apartment, needed at another social function at the same time as dinner, the proposed meal is inadequate, other miscellaneous reason(s) to be expounded on in Form AR3-1. (see ‘Forms’ section for more details on how to fill out and submit)

Sheldon was going out? Leonard rushed into the living room, just as Sheldon was leaving. He ran for the door. Pulling it open, he saw that Sheldon was over at Penny’s and when 4B’s door opened, he saw that Penny had on a black laced blouse, maroon skinny jeans, and blue Chuck sneakers, topped off with a casual straw fedora. She leaned up and hugged Sheldon and they turned to leave, catching his eye. “Wanna catch me up?”

“Not particularly, my car is waiting,” Sheldon told him dismissively.

Penny turned to him, “I thought I was gonna drive?”

“That was the idea, but the rental place offered me a better deal on a whole night rental rather than just a one-way trip, so I figured this would be better. Besides, this way I won’t be distracted by your ‘Check Engine’ light.”

Penny grinned up at him, “Aww sweetie, that’s… oddly thoughtful of you. Well, night, Leonard,” she waved at Leonard as she and Sheldon headed downstairs.

Leonard was dumbstruck, since when was Sheldon dating Penny? How could she date Sheldon? He and Penny were a beautiful thing just waiting to happen, their kids were going to be smart and beautiful. How could she do this to him? He headed inside, fuming.

In the town car, Penny felt like a celebrity, being in a car with a driver going to see a basketball game courtside on a weekday. She also had to admit Sheldon cleaned up pretty well. More than good. Visually he looked the part of any guy she had ever gone out with. She also knew that he had a beautiful mind and kind heart; even if his quirks did drive her nuts sometimes, but then again all guys at their core had their quirks… Sheldon’s just happened to be super smart, and that rubbed some people the wrong way. But the more she thought about it there were worse qualities in guys. “Thanks for inviting me out tonight, Sheldon, I didn’t know you liked basketball. Did you ever play?”

Sheldon shook his head, “No, while I was always slightly taller than children my own age, I lacked muscle tone and wasn’t always as coordinated in my disproportioned adolescent body. I didn’t ‘fill into’ my lean physique until puberty. But I suppose with my current height and knowledge of both Euclidean and Non-Euclidean geometry, I could in theory be a pretty decent point guard.”

Penny giggled, “Do you think you can make a half-court shot with just one shot?”

“I suppose, even though statistically the total percentage of makes during the 2008-09 NBA season was a woeful 0.035%. All I would really have to do is calculate arc, distance, and speed from a regulation 43 feet away into an 18-inch hoop.”

Penny smiles, “Okay brainiac, I’ll hold you to that, because you know how sometimes they have half-court contests at halftime, if you’re somehow chosen, let’s see you put that beautiful mind of yours to work.”

He tuts somewhat offended, “I use my brain all the time, Penny.”  

Penny laughs, “By the way, what made you invite me instead of one of the guys?”

“Would you like the long answer or the short one?”

Penny laughs again, “I got nowhere to go, so… long answer please.”

Sheldon looked at her in disbelief, “Penny, I do believe this is the first time anyone has willingly asked for any of my unabridged explanations twice in one calendar year. But since you asked so politely, my reasoning is two-fold. First, I wanted to do so in apology for our abandoned plans to go see Nebraska at the Holiday Bowl in San Diego last year on account of Leonard’s ill-advised effort to try and court you through deceitful means. And second, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed or not, but Leonard and the others don’t think I’m anything but socially awkward or inept, therefore if I were to suddenly ask them to join me for something as monumental as taking in a sporting event—which we’ve never done—questions regarding my sanity and behaviour they cannot predict will arise. And despite my rather stoic demeanour to their ribbing, I do not wish to engage in such frivolities.” He wasn’t about to tell her his real reason, although he suspects she knows it as well.

“Oh sweetie, you didn’t have to do all of that… but it’s very nice of you too.” She sits back and then after a few seconds asks, “Also, if you don’t like them picking on you why don’t you just tell them to take a hike?”

He looks at her, “Penny, despite my need for order which I know at times makes me appear antagonistic, I am not an overtly confrontational or violent person. While their barbs may sting, I follow the principle of live and let live because ultimately their words can’t hurt me so while it may be a nuisance to put up with I just do because life is hardly ever fair.”

She sighs resigned, “You are too nice sometimes you know that? Well, let’s enjoy tonight. I hope the Lakers win.”

“With their win percentage this season, elementary predictive probability suggests a 78% chance of victory.”

“You have answers for everything, don’t you?” She grins.

He shakes his head slightly and readjusts the cuff of his zip hoodie, “No, if I did, I’d already have the Nobel Prize in my possession.” 

Penny feels guilty for reminding him of his failed venture. “Hey, cheer up, you are working light speed ahead of other people, you’ll get yours soon enough.”

He smiles boyishly, “Thank you for that vote of confidence.”

The car drops them off in front of the Staples Center 15 minutes later, and as they get out Sheldon hands the driver their parking pass and he continues onto the designated lot.

“Since we arrived 45 minutes before tip-off, do you want to get dinner or wait until after the game is over?” Sheldon asked as he looked around the sparse arena, realising that they’d arrived too early.

“Uh… I don’t think there are any Thai restaurants around here, sweetie. Why don’t we just pig out on nachos and wings before the game?”

“That’s acceptable.” He nods, and they walk inside and over to the concessions.

Sheldon orders while Penny finds a table overlooking the court, some people are already in their seats but not enough. Sheldon comes over with a tray of two orders of wings, and a large nachos platter intended for both to share and two empty fountain drink cups.

Penny takes the cups from him and asks what he wants. “Diet Coke, please.”

“One virgin Cuba libre coming right up,” she jokes and heads over to the soda station.  

Penny returns and grabs a chip, chews and swallows before asking, “Are you okay with having nachos and wings on Thai Night?” 

“I waived my right to Thai Night this afternoon, so I have no secondary option, therefore this is just fine.”

Penny makes a noise of amusement, not quite a laugh, not quite a choke. “What does that even mean?”

Sheldon finishes off a wing before he answers, “It means I am unrestricted from my usual parameters and can like you so often do, ‘go with the flow’,” he uses air quotes around the last phrase.

Penny looks up at him in shock and holds up her hands in disbelief, “Hold up, are you telling me you, Sheldon Lee Cooper, can be spontaneous but he has to, what… remove his Prime Directive or something first?” She hears his breathy laugh in response.

“That is quite clever of you, Penny. But there’s more truth to that statement than you think. After all, there's a grain of truth in every joke. I like my schedules and routines, but I’m not above stepping out of them if it means I can enjoy myself without external ridicule.”

She understands then, “Ah, from the guys. If you act way too ‘un-Sheldony’ they’ll think something is wrong which is why you have clauses and rules to explain your actions. Is that why you’re dressed the way you are tonight? I like it.”

Sheldon gives her a small smile, “It is.”

They finish their food and wash up just in time to head down to see the first group of players start shootarounds. 

In 4A, Howard and Raj are surprised when they come over and Leonard informs them that Sheldon wasn’t there. They were even more shocked to learn that he was on a date with Penny.

“Well at least we don’t have to do Thai tonight,” Howard says relieved, changing the subject away from Sheldon and Penny before Leonard starts to sulk over a woman who never really promised him anything.

“Tacos and burritos?” Raj suggested, a new Mexican place had opened up a few weeks ago and he wanted to try it.

“But it has cheese,” Leonard whines.

Raj and Howard look at each other and have a brief silent conversation between them. That was the problem with Leonard, he had to be the centre of everyone’s attention. At least Sheldon is comfortable enough to slink into the background when he has what he needs—like a baby with a pacifier—but Leonard needs and seeks constant attention like a hyper toddler.  

“You can order from someplace else, Raj and I wanna try the new place on South Arroyo. Without Sheldon here, he can’t say no,” Howard reasons quickly.

Leonard relents after a short internal battle with himself, “I guess I’ll order from Big Boy, it’s been a long time since I’ve had it.”

Howard and Raj sigh in relief, they order and pick up their orders half an hour later and are in the apartment again watching episodes of Batman: The Animated Series, eating and discussing who is the better Batman villain.

Penny was enjoying the game, she was pleasantly surprised by how into the game Sheldon was. Maybe her instincts about him on that first day weren’t so off after all. Not only that, her seatmate on the other side of her tonight was Oscar winner Denzel Washington. They struck up friendly banter after the first quarter and by halftime, she, Sheldon, and Denzel had traded some pretty funny stories. The Lakers went into the lockers at halftime down 50-49 to the Cleveland Cavaliers; but never in her life did she ever expect to high-five the entire Los Angeles Lakers starting lineup as they walked off the court, but thanks to Sheldon, she did. 

There was a contest at halftime instead of a show, and Sheldon had been picked for it.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,” the floor announcer with the microphone began, “Tonight is the 11th anniversary of Lakers announcer Chick Hearn’s 3,000th consecutive game. So tonight, in honour of that feat, we’re going to have a two-point contest, one round, one minute from that distance of 11 feet for three lucky contestants.” The announcer heard jeers, but he soldiered on undeterred, “Too easy, I guess is the message I’m getting from all of you,” he heard cheers then. “All right, I’ll sweeten the pot, the winner of the two-point contest then, has the opportunity to head to half-court and try and sink three half-court shots for a $150,210 cash prize, one dollar for every game the great Chick Hearn called in his incredible 45-year Lakers announcing career!” Cheers erupted. “Our contestants tonight are Stanley Adams from Los Angeles, Julius Patterson from Long Beach, and Sheldon Cooper from Pasadena.”
 
“All right, Stanley, you’re up first. Come on, Staples Center, clap your hands!” 

Stanley couldn’t make it past the third rack before time expired. But he did make 10 of 15. 

“Ohh, too bad Stanley, but you aren’t out of the running for the big one yet,” the floor announcer commiserated.

“Julius, you’re up, bud! Staples Center make some noise!”

Julius did better with time management, completing all five racks, but sinking only 13 of 30. 

“Okay, last but not least, Sheldon, you’re up. Staples Center, show him some love!”

Sheldon completed all five racks like Julius but did significantly better than his competition making 21 of 30. His few misses were to get a feel for the weight and trajectory of the ball.

“Julius, Stanley, it just wasn’t your night, but you guys have been great sports. We have merchandise consolation prizes for you waiting at the TEAM LA store, go see Jenny she has your vouchers. Staples Center, make some noise for these guys!”

The arena cheered the participants, as they walked off. The floor announcer then turns to Sheldon.

“Okay Sheldon, three half-court heaves separate you and more than $150,000. You up for it?” Sheldon nods.

“Okay, Staples Center, let’s give him a hand!”

Sheldon dribbled then shot a high arc which banked off the backboard and in. The crowd roared.

“That’s one!”

Sheldon repeated his dribbling motion and sent another high arcing shot toward the basket which banked in and the crowd erupted again.

“That’s two! One more!”

Sheldon repeated his dribbling motion again but before he took his shot, he looked over toward Penny, winked, and then shot another high arcing shot toward the basket which this time went in nothing but net, and the crowd went crazy.

“Oh my Goodness! Three half-court shots, three makes! That’s gotta be on SportsCenter! Staples Center, show him some love!” The crowd roared. “So Sheldon,” the floor announcer addressed him as the giant novelty check was presented to him, “Any plans with the money?”

“I don’t know, maybe minority ownership in the Lakers?” He joked.

The floor announcer laughed, “Let’s give it up for Sheldon, everybody!”

Sheldon waved at the crowd before being led off.

Penny is deliriously happy for Sheldon, she also can’t believe that he made good on his promise in the car, three times over. She’ll grill him in the car later about it but right now she just wants to enjoy what was quickly becoming one of the best nights in recent memory for her and she wasn’t even drunk. The Lakers won, 105-88, afterwards she took a few selfies of her and Denzel; her, Denzel, and Sheldon; and her, Sheldon, and Kobe Bryant. Once back in the car, she had to pinch herself to tell herself that tonight really happened. Afterwards, they head to Tommy’s Burgers on Colorado Blvd. for a late-night burger fix. Penny has to admit, she is really liking this unrestricted Sheldon. She hopes to see more of him. 

They get back at nearly midnight, and Penny leans up and pecks him good night on the lips. Telling him she had a great time tonight. What neither was expecting were sparks when her lips touched his. She mutters another quick ‘good night’ and dashes into her apartment, leaving Sheldon bewildered. Once inside, Penny leans up against her door and feels her heart begin to pound and her ears ring. That. That’s what she’d been trying to find. Chemistry. But she never expected to find it in and from Sheldon Cooper. She then smiled to herself, she was right. 

Sheldon is staring at Penny’s door and checking his vitals, tonight had been a revelation for him. He found out that he could shut off his highly critical brain a majority of the time and just go with the flow. But the question was why? Was it Penny or another variable that allowed him to do so? That was going to require further investigation, however, judging by his positive reaction to Penny just moments ago, he's pretty sure he already knows the answer. He also knows that a relationship between them is possible. He walks into his own apartment, intent on getting ready for bed. He hadn’t expected Leonard to be waiting up for him.

“You were out pretty late,” Leonard stated, his tone rather accusatory.

“I didn’t realise my comings and goings had such a profound effect on your nightly activities,” Sheldon retorted flatly, he had done nothing wrong.

“You were out with Penny, of course, it affects me.”

“In what way?”

“You’re dating my girl,” the shorter man said petulantly.

“I wasn’t aware your relationship agreement was still ongoing,” Sheldon said sarcastically, “But that does beg the question, if you are dating Penny how come she’s been out with more men since, and you never? Doesn’t that, and excuse my use of the word, make you a cuckold?”

Leonard is taken aback by Sheldon of all people insulting him—so vulgarly. Trying to regain control of the situation he says very deliberately, “No, and no I’m not dating Penny, but she is mine.”

“I don’t see the logic behind that. How can she not be yours but also yours?”

Snorting in a rather nasally sick sort of way; not at all intimidating, Leonard proclaims, “She and I belong together. I’m waiting to make my move to get her back, but I can’t if you continue to take her out on dates.”

Sheldon rolls his eyes, “Penny and I had a fun and productive night out as friends watching a basketball game. As for your wait-and-see strategy, even if I wasn’t involved, Penny dates regularly so the odds of her simply being available when you are ready to ask her again is poor at best.”

Leonard is losing patience with Sheldon, “Just… just don’t take my girl out again.”

“To quote the great Mandy Patinkin from the Princess Bride, ‘You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.’ If Penny was ‘your girl’ she would not be dating other men nor would she reject every single one of your subsequent attempts to date her after your relationship invariably met its natural end. Therefore stop lying to yourself, Leonard. I fear you may have a psychological breakdown as a result of a continual belief in your own lies.”

Leonard huffed, “Oh yeah… oh yeah well, you can forget me driving you to work tomorrow!”

Sheldon shrugged unperturbed by the threat, “You haven’t been my ride-share option since the beginning of the bet—which you forfeited by default—and if worse comes to worst, I can always take the bus which is why I always pack my bus pants. If that is all, it’s well past my normal bedtime.”

Leonard stood there in the living room at midnight dumbstruck by the calm and methodical way Sheldon took him down. He shook his head, rationalising that it was late and he wasn’t on top of his game. He headed off to bed, the morning would be better.

Chapter Text

Leonard doesn’t understand it, schools and companies should be drooling over the possibility of getting him on staff. It’s been two weeks. He resigned, he wasn’t fired. He has a doctorate from Princeton. He possesses a verified 173 IQ! Employers should be beating down his door trying to be the first to procure his services, but no. He had been called into a half dozen of the part-time web design jobs he applied for and while he was friendly and they were friendly, he didn’t meet the qualifications. He said he knew HTML and Java; they told him that was great but they needed someone with C++ and Python knowledge. The universities he applied to—whose HR department answered his inquiry—refused to advance his application because of a lack of tangible accomplishments, even Princeton. He needed a job, he was going through his savings faster than a junkie on a two-week bender. He started looking through the classifieds and on Craigslist. 

After Sheldon and Penny went on their date, he caved and the following day accepted a job selling insurance. He needed a win, he figured he could use his ‘nice guy’ personality and puppy dog eyes to get people to buy policies to meet his quota. If he can’t be an academic, he’ll make money the ol’ fashioned way: by being a sellout.

After two days as an insurance salesman, Leonard realised that maybe he just wasn’t a people person. He tried every tactic they taught him during the three-hour orientation and the half day of shadowing one of the top sellers; but on his first full day as a sales associate, observed by one of the junior managers, he met with a dozen potential clients and only one signed a policy with the company—the cheapest life insurance policy they had. Still, he got one, but according to Rick, the junior manager, that wasn’t gonna cut it. His quota was 15 policies of any kind a week—60 a month—at the rate he was going he would maybe only get a third of the way. He sighed as he got into his car; why was life so hard on him?
 
Leonard met up with Howard and Raj on Thursday after work to get an update on what has happened at Caltech since he resigned. The pair told him that Caltech had opened his position to a nationwide search for a new Associate Lead Experimental Physicist and already they had received dozens of applicants—they will be conducting ongoing interviews and hopefully, the position will be filled just after they get back from Spring Break. They also told him that Sheldon has started on his remaining experiments and he hopes to complete everything by next month. They continued that the peer review for the first three experiments is now being evaluated by Stanford and Princeton. If all goes to plan, Sheldon could widely publish those findings by next week. Leonard looked crestfallen at the news. He had hoped that with him gone the university would experience a brain drain and they would beg him to come back, but that wasn’t likely to happen now. Not with Sheldon doing his work faster and better than he ever could and with an ongoing interview process for his old job. 

“I wish just once, things could go my way,” he groused into his beer at the bar.

Raj looked baffled at his friend, “Dude, what are you talking about? Everything you do is for your benefit, it isn’t anyone else’s fault that they are half-assed to begin with and eventually blow up in your face—literally and figuratively.”

“See, that’s just it. Why can’t one of my plans just work out for me without causing me any problems?”

“Maybe they could,” Howard interjected, “if you didn’t toy with them. I mean, did you have to do that experiment in the kitchen to try and sleep with Joyce? Did you have to fool around with Leslie Winkle and Dr. Payton during university hours? Did you have to sabotage Sheldon? Did you have to insult a university donor? No. Absolutely not. Robert Frost’s "The Road Not Taken” is literally your roadmap and every time you follow your own path, you close the one you should’ve taken—that’s the irony of it all.”

Leonard finishes his beer, “Yeah well…,” he sighs and signals the bartender for another beer.

“She’s late,” Sheldon commented. 

Howard shrugged, “Eh, so what? It’s not like we need a quorum requirement to play Mario Party 2.” 

Sheldon shakes his head, “No, I suppose we don’t. Regardless Penny is,” he checks his watch, “over an hour late and her Cheesecake Factory shift ended an hour ago.”

Howard smirks, “You keep track of Penny’s work schedule?”

“Of course, how else do you think I meticulously fit everything in to include her?”

The engineer snickers.

“I’m sure she’ll be along shortly,” Raj placated.

“And if she isn’t I can always call Bernadette to sub in,” Howard suggests. 

Leonard is suspiciously quiet, but perhaps given what happened a few Vintage Game Nights ago, he’s learned to keep his mouth shut. The group including Leonard settle in for a night of Chinese and vintage gaming.

An hour later, Penny makes her appearance by throwing open the doors of 4A and beaming widely. She runs over and hugs Sheldon, ignoring his pleas to extract herself, and the shocked looks on the other’s faces, particularly Leonard’s.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She chirps happily.

“You’re welcome? But what are you thanking me for?” Sheldon asks confused after he extracts Penny from his side.

“That Paramount meeting led to something. They signed me! I got a few walk-on scenes in the upcoming Transformers movie, but my first major role is in the new Mission Impossible movie! Ahh!!” She squealed and hugged Sheldon again.

“I am pleased for you, Penny.” Sheldon patted her awkwardly. 

“Congratulations,” Howard offered her his congratulations.

Raj gave her two thumbs up and a wide smile.

“That’s fantastic, Penny. We should celebrate. How about dinner, tomorrow, my treat.” Leonard suggested.

Penny stopped celebrating and pulled back from Sheldon, and looked at her ex-boyfriend, arms crossed, “I’m sorry, what did you do to help me earn this, so why should I celebrate with you?” She saw his smile fall. “If I hadn’t gone with Sheldon to that fundraiser at Caltech and instead went with you to that hotel you so desperately wanted me to, I wouldn’t have this opportunity. So what the hell, Leonard?”

“Sorry… I was just happy for you,” he mumbled.

Penny scoffs, “Right…” she draws out the word sarcastically.

“You know what, I think I’m gonna take a walk, here you can take my controller,” the short man says as he gets up and heads for the door.

Once he leaves, Howard is mildly surprised by Leonard’s abrupt action, “Huh, I didn’t know Leonard was suicidal. Taking a walk this late at night, around here, you’re liable to get mugged or worse.” 

Heading down for Laundry Night, Penny hoped that her good week would continue and she could get together with Sheldon. She knows he will have dozens of objections, he’ll want to go slow, he’ll want a Relationship Agreement, he’ll want bizarre clauses in it that she’ll rage against until he sits her down and lectures her about the necessity of them, then she’ll begrudgingly agree because she wants to be with him. It took her a long time but she finally understood why every single one of her relationships—going back to high school—and as recently as Leonard, never worked out: there was no foundation. What she thought was love was at best lust, and even she, the “big ol’ five”, can admit that after a while sex can only carry a relationship so far. But with Sheldon it’s different. He has been her friend, her foil, and her constant—in short a boyfriend in all but name since she had met him—that is their foundation, a solid foundation that they can build something. Does she find him sexually desirable? Yes. But is that the sole reason she wants to jump into a relationship with a man that she is pretty sure is absolutely a novice in bed? Definitely not. Sheldon respects her, while in his own way able to make her blush and want him more. None of her ex-boyfriends, including Leonard, respected her. They saw her first and foremost as a pretty face, and a pair of tits and an ass. She was just a superficial object of desire to them; she wasn’t one with Sheldon. So, she may have to cut back on the sex for a bit, but in the long run, it’ll be worth it. If she can get him to agree to at least see her as girlfriend material.

After they both sorted their own laundry and put it in the wash, Penny decided to be direct; anything else she worried it’ll lead them away from her goal. She knows Sheldon isn’t scatter-brained, but he does take things quite literally; which leads to tangents. “Sheldon, sweetie, I was thinking…,” she began, “I want to as you would put it, ‘introduce a new dynamic to our relationship paradigm’.”

“Why?” The tall man asked warily. He had been hoping for this since their night out as friends at the basketball game, but he had been hesitant mainly because he did not want to change something that wasn’t broken.

Penny smiled indulgently, “Because I want to try with my best friend. They say the best relationships are built on a solid foundation and what better foundation than the one we have? I know you’re interested Sheldon, Homo Moses, my ass—”

“That’s Homo Novus,” Sheldon corrects her.

“Right, right,” Penny waves him off unbothered, “I know you can make an effort Sheldon, our night out at the Lakers game proves it. I also know that you shore up my shortcomings and I do the same for you. I also take care of you, I just want to do that with a physical element attached. We can take the physical side of things slow too if you want. I just want to try. So, can we?”

“You do make a compelling argument, and I must admit it was quite rewarding attending the Alumni Honours Dinner with you, which may have influenced my decision to try and be more than friends afterwards.” The theoretical physicist admits shyly.

Penny smiles, and it appears they are on the same page, “Well, do or do not, there is no try.”

Sheldon groans, “Penny if you insist on quoting Yoda as a prelude to our pending relationship, I might lose all propriety and take you in this laundry room.” 

Penny smirks, and says very deliberately and sensually, “Do or do not, there is no try” and waits for his move.

Sheldon groans again takes three steps, cups Penny’s face lovingly and kisses her, ignorant of any germs her mouth may have.

Penny melts immediately into his kiss. This. This is what she’s been waiting for: passion, belonging, and chemistry. She kisses him back cementing their new dynamic.

On Monday, after work, when he arrived home, Leonard got the shock of his life. There in Sheldon’s Spot was Penny, straddling his roommate with the robot man’s arms around her and his hands in her hair, their lips fused together, their eyes closed oblivious to his presence, and their bodies close. He then heard Penny’s soft moans, he used to be privy to those moans, but these didn’t seem forced and she never moaned when they kissed. He feels waves of jealousy. The girl of his dreams with another man, making noises she would only make to placate him and only when they were naked; he lost his once comfortable job and now has to make due as an insurance salesman; he discovered he wasn’t as socially adept as he thought when compared to the robot man; he couldn’t claim to make more money than his roommate, and certainly he couldn’t claim to be the better physicist—he wasn’t even one presently. Even though their bet was over, Sheldon had won and won big. Sheldon had everything Leonard wanted, he quietly withdrew from the apartment into the hall to save face. 

Once in the hall, he sighs, one conversation on Vintage Game Night led to his collapse. In the morning, he’ll formally concede and start looking for another place to live; this one has too many bad memories, mostly of his own making.