Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"You remember how things went down 4 years ago though right?" Tighnari asked.

And… the question entered my mind not as frequent as 6 months ago.

Yeah, my brain answered.

"As it is, I'm surprised Y̵̧̙͕͛͗͒̀̐̐̊o̷̹̔̈́̒̎̍̐̍̑u̴̡̬̺̳͓̫̍̇͜'̵̩̰̱̪̹̙̜͎͐̏ř̴̨̞̬̤͙̅̓ͅę̷̦̘̠̉͌̀̅͑ ̶̨͇͈̰͇͎̺̤̓͋̉̀̚͝ş̸̰̲̹̝̳͕̓̎̾́̌̿ͅt̶̨̛̝̝̪̬̃͆̃̽̂̽̀i̴̖̲̹͐̽̀̾̆l̸̡̛̥̲̥͎̮̬̖̆̆͆̚ḷ̷̥͔͔̹̓̿͐̇̍̚͠ ̴̡̺̣̯̤̗̔͗͆l̷̬̋̕i̴̭͓̥͕͉̹͛v̷̲̫͖̇̄̔͌͝͝i̶͉͖̮̇̄̈́̇̀ṇ̸͕̮̻͌͊̕ǵ̵̨̛̝̦͕̞̗̖͙̕ ̶̻̟̦̳̾w̷̝̹̭͕̿̈́ͅī̷̫̟̻̜̝̀́͊̈̒t̵̞̋̀̾̀̉̈́h̸̡̨̟̳̳̗̺̓̎͆̽̃͑̅̂ ̸̘̱̹̖̼̫̙̈́h̸̢̳̜̘̽̌͆̌̔͋͊ï̸̧̯̩̰̝̌̈́̏͘͠m̶̮͓͖̠̘͐́̏͜ ̵͙͔͇͕̥̈́̓̈́̀̒ą̵̫̰͖͂̔̄f̴̧͓̲̽̐͊̈͋̕͠t̵͙̔̐̍̄̄͛̒e̸͐̀̓̋̒̄̚͘͜r̷̨̺̞̈́͝ ̸̡͚͙̮̆̀́̂́̄̕ḁ̴̧͔̞͙̺̫̃̇͆̽͝l̸̨͈͉̝̪̯̚͘͜͜l̵̻̠̅͋̏̈ ̷̢̩̻̺̀̅͊t̶̫͚͖̻̩͙̳͛̓͊h̶̠̝̺̩͓͐͒̑̈̇͘̚ï̶̢̢̜s̴̱͉̆͊͑̓͠ ̸̳̭̼̅͘t̴̖̯̟̜̊͗͋̕̕ì̷̦̝̤̩̰͊̀̄̚m̷͇̺͑͐̚͘͝e̶̞̯͉̭͍͕̖͒̂̾̽̍͑.

The words felt blurry and messed as Tighnari continued. 6 months ago I moved in with Alhaithem, drenched in rain on a cold rainy season Friday. I had just lost my home moving back from Fontaine 3 years ago, finishing the palace of Alcazarzaray. I was homeless, in too much debt to get myself out. 

At least you're out of debt but still a burden.

The voice slithered into my skull. I like to think it's like a little depressive demon toying with my emotions on blast. I couldn't even hear Tighnari anymore, all I could hear is a slight static met with…

You're a failure.

Moving in with him 4 years later? After all you said that night?

No wonder he treats you like garbage, maybe you deserve garbage.

Really, Kaveh, you think you're a Genius? The only Genius-

"Kaveh?" Tighnari tapped my hand, I could always depend on him to snap me out of an episode.

"Sorry… I just got in my own head" I responded.

"I know, if you didn't hear I was asking how clientele was going?" His ears slightly went down with worry.

"Its going" I sarcastically rolled my eyes and sipped wine.

"I know your last client was tricky…" He mumbled away, "But I'm glad it was successful!" He cheered up slightly, "You're out of debt isn't that good, we should be celebrating" He egged on.

"I shouldn't have been there in the first place" I sipped more.

"Focusing on now will better your mental health Kaveh, you're out of debt… that's an accomplishment whether you think it's selfish to admit or not" He said seriously. 

He's right, but my brain can't think logically about how I'm not a burden. "You're right Tighnari and fuck what others think, including my asshole of a roomate…" I smiled, sipping down wine until the last drop.

"Good!" Tighnari smiled, sipping his drink as well.

"Lets party, actually…" I said, matter-of-factly, "You said you invited Cyno right?" I asked the tavern waitress to bring fries and another bottle of wine.

"Yeah, he should be here after 9, he had a night shift" He smiled, pouring himself more wine.

"Get drunk with me?" I asked, pouring more.

"Its a celebration, so let's do it!" He giggled, as we drank the bottle to the bottom, Tighnari covering the tab. 

"You haven't drank in forever, it's actually nice, I remember the last time we got fucked up together" I ate some fries as they arrived on our table.

"I don't get drunk often on the account that I say things that come to my head" He said, "Its been a real issue in my past"

"I like when you're honest though, it helps me focus to become better" I could start to feel the buzz circulating my brain. You know why I like getting drunk? I don't have to think, that's why… 

Everything I say can just be packaged away. I can forget… and that little voice in my head…

It goes away.

"I take that as a compliment, Kaveh I think you're a cool drunk too" He smiled, "You always know how to party that's for sure" 

"Yeah! You can count on me to be a party man!" I giggled, grabbing Tighnari up, "Lets dance!" We went over to the Tavern grounds, the bard playing an upbeat tune.

Tighnari let loose a little, swaying his hips with me to the song. We've been best friends for a while, and he definitely knew how to dance. Though, he didn't show off his skills often on the account that a lot of men hit on him. As it was, him and Cyno just got engaged. The only man he wanted to dance with was his fiance…

And of course me!

I could tell me and him were getting very drunk by the amount of touching going on. Tighnari didn't like physical affection past holding hands or a goodbye hug. But we were hugging and dancing to the beat; holding each other like we were two best friends at the playground. 

Not that I'm going to admit but I was pretty touch starved. I like affection, receiving and giving attention as well. My stupid roommate never wanted this, or to hug, or to cuddle, or be best friends. We used to be something, but that flew down a river and sailed on a boat 4 years ago.

I grabbed more wine , no more thinking!

I brought it back and let Tighnari sip more of it, his cheeks and ears blushed super red. "Thank you.. hic!" Tighnari hiccuped, going back to putting his arms on my shoulders.

"I missed you!" I giggled.

"I missed you too!" He rose his voice above the music, "I missed you being happy Kaveh!" He smiled, "Last time you were like this was 4 years ago" He mumbled off the last part. 

"Yeah, but I found happiness for myself Tighnari, hic , I think that's the best" I giggled.

"You're so strong Kaveh, I love you" He chuckled, "You're my bestest friend, I love you" He said endearingly.

"I love you too! Hic" I hummed, holding him close.

"You've been at this bar for two hours and you're already in love with another man?" Cyno joked, tapping between us. 

It's been two hours?!

"No! I love you the sexy way hic-" Tighnari turned to him and hugged him, "I love you~" He kissed his cheek several times, giving a final deep kiss on his lips.

"Nari, not here" He giggled, holding his shoulders back.

"Hey, Cyno-" I stumbled a little, "Me and him were just having friend time, jussst… us"

"I know, I was joking" His smile faded slightly. "I would drink too but, I have to carry this guy home now" 

"Have fun at least?" I mentioned, "We were dancing when you showed hic"

"I will, plus we're celebrating you out of debt" He looked at me, "Isn't that a thing to dance about?" He asked Tighnari, a smile appearing on his face. 

"Yes it is…" Tighnari agreed, pulling Cyno to dance with him.

"I'll get more wine" I stumbled over to our table, eating some fries. I poured another whole glass to share with Tighnari. I looked back and saw Tighnari dancing with Cyno. His hips swayed far different than earlier. A certain gleam in his eyes, as Cyno stared back. They were in love, utterly in love. 

I want that.

I held the glass tightly, going back over to them. I swayed my hips a little before a hand grabbed my waist, pulling me over. I spilt the wine a little, staring into a large man's eyes filled with lust. 

"You're too sexy to be here all alone without a mate" He giggled, his hands going past down my back to my lower waist. 

"I'm with my friends that's why" I chuckled, my mind becoming numb to his touch.

"You smell lovely" He buried his face in my neck, my knees buckling slightly. 

"I have to get back with hic-" I paused, "My friends" Maybe I was drunk, maybe I was stupid, but was this guy trying to scent me in public?

"Too bad I want to take you home sweet doll" He played with my hair, my knees more buckling as his hands traveled more south. 

"I'm not a sweet doll! Hic" I pushed him back a little, he pulled me more, his hands on my ass.

"I like a bottom with a challenge to submit" He smiled, the man was hot, I'd give him that. But he was motherfucking creepy!

"Get your hands off me…" I said, trying to pull his hands off my ass. 

"Cmon, don't you want to have a good time doll?" He spread groped me by the swell of my ass.

"No! Not with you, and stop calling me doll!" I grabbed his hand off of me. 

"Cmon, just come home with me, I'll stop calling you doll-"

"N-" My mind was becoming more fuzzy, i couldn't pinpoint what it was, "N-no"

"I know you want to be taken care of, you looked at those two in jealousy-" My brain stopped functioning properly, it was like a fog was in there.

Fuck me

Make me yours!

"N-No!" My body was saying otherwise though.

"You'll be a good mate, huh?" He whispered in my ear.

N-no, I don't want-

"He said no" I recognized that voice, a much taller man stood behind me, my knees fell to the ground. 

"Who the fuck are you?" He said, I finally recognized what was happening, the motherfucker was controlling me with pheromones. 

"His mate" The voice answered, "I want every omega to clear 20 feet around me!" He yelled out.

I've never heard him that angry before, should I move? He said every omega right? That includes me. God, this is so stupid.

He pulled me to his chest, my knees are still buckling even worse than before. It was a battle of pheromones that ended quickly by the smallest release of the taller ones pheromones. Reasoning for him telling Omegas to go 20 feet? It was simple.

He was protecting them.

"You're under arrest for sexual assault in the first degree-" Cyno handcuffed him, "Anything you say can and will-"

"Are you okay?" Tighnari asked, holding me close, away from him. "I shouldn't of left hic you all alone!" 

No, I'm not okay I'm going into a forced heat because of these bastards!

"Kaveh… are you alright?" The man in dark turquoise asked. 

"Like you care!" I yelled, "I was having a great time until you showed up" I snapped.

"Kaveh, Alhaitham was just trying to help…" Tighnari reassured me.

"Oh, like having a pheromone battle and claiming I'm your mate really saved me!" I teared up.

You're such a crybaby.

"I was trying to protect you, ungrateful-"

"Ungrateful?! Oh yeah let me thank you oh great Acting Sage for sending me into a heat and making everything better-"

Don't say it -

"You left 4 years ago you of all people have no fucking right to claim to be my mate!"

"You're the one who ended the relationship, not me so blame yourself" He snapped back, "You're too fucking drunk and messy to realize I wasn't the one who forced you into a heat, as it is you've made yourself clear you don't want me here" He turned with his cloak.

"Go away like you always do" I sobbed.

Stop it.

He stopped, turned, and blinked, "I've had enough of your bullshit Kaveh, you want to blame others for the choices you made? Fine." He looked at me, "Tighnari, as usual Kaveh will remain at you place for the remainder of the heat?"

"Yes… hic"

"Do you need help getting home? Cyno left, I can control myself in the time being" He offered.

Tired of my bullshit?

Yeah, everyone is.

I started sobbing softly, I hated this, I just- I want to go back in time I want to go back before we were like this. I want Alhaitham to look at me the way Cyno does Tighnari. I want to be 19 again.

I'm too drunk and horny.

"Its okay Kaveh" Tighnari rubbed my back, "Don't you think you're being too hard on hic him?" He snapped at Alhaithem.

"He wanted to start an argument when I was just trying to help"

"He's drunk! And think of hic the principal here Alhaitham!" He defended me, "He's not just your roommate, he's your ex" He gave that dad stare, "And he's vulnerable, you should be more in control" 

Tighnari rarely went off on people, "I guess you pitch a fair point" He sighed softly, relaxing himself, "I should be more mindful of the situation"

"Calling him your mate too?" Tighnari walked me, "That's like a stab in the- hic chest!" He yelled, "Why else would you say that unless you had some kind of jealous hic shit over the situation?"

"To protect him" Alhaitham answered, "That man wouldn't back off-"

"You know what? Hic" Tighnari chuckled, "You might be tired of Kavehs bullshit, but you know what I'm sick of?!" Tighnari was still yelling. "You're fucking lies!" 

"Tighnari, you're drunk"

"You've fucking- hic" Tighnari stopped into some hiccups, "moved him into your home, saved his ass from debt, taken care of him, fed him!" He pointed his finger in accusations. "Claim and lie that you're his mate! And still deny and deny and deny!" He screamed. 

"Tighnari, it's okay you don't have to-" I tried to stop him.

"Deny you're still in love with him! I'm sick of it" Tighnari pushed him, "I'm sick of your bullshit!" He screamed, "We're going home alone!" 

In love with me?

Was there something I missed? Did Tighnari know something I didn't? I got pulled by his arm, but I stopped it. I'm too curious, too attached to the conversation.

"You're in love with me?" I broke Tighnari's hold to stare up at him.

"No" Alhaitham answered, calculated as ever.

"Did you ever love me? When we were something?" I teared up.

His face contorted slightly, a decision tinkling in that brain of his, "If I say yes, will you still have some kind of made-up hope we'll get back together?"

I didn't want to answer because it meant I had to think. I had to reply truthfully, "I'll tell you hic this, if you say no… I'll hate you"

"Don't you already?" He scoffed.

"No, I don't I'm indifferent to you, but I'll really be hurt if you hic say that"

"I did, truthfully, I was in love with you Kaveh… but we're not good for each other… it's selfish to wish for such pipe dreams" He looked over.

Tighnari's face went sour, "You can't decide for others what's good for them, Alhaitham" He grabbed my hand again, "And you can't lie to people for the hic sake of saving them"

"Why not? It works pretty decently, what would you prefer I say?" He snapped.

"The truth" He deadpanned, "Tell Kaveh the truth"

His face went cold, his stare was daggers, and in the most monotone voice he could pitch he said this, "I'm extremely hurt from 4 years ago, you broke my trust, but for some reason…" His face lifted, as he stared at the ground, "I can't help but still love you" His face contorted with anger, "Are you happy?"

I can't help but still love you

Love you.

"Yes" Tighnari scoffed, "He deserves to know everything that hic happened after that fight too, while you put on a fake front… while Cyno and I supported you babbling and crying" He aired out his shit. 

"I never agreed to that!" Alhaitham snapped, "You have your fucking truth, now leave me alone, please, you're drunk and I don't appreciate this conversation any longer!" 

He was mad.

"Well maybe don't lie to people you supposedly love" Tighnari clapped back.

"Maybe I lied to make things easier, sometimes you have to lie for the sake of two people" He argued, "I expect an apology later, what you've exposed is something private to me, I definitely don't value it" He deadpanned. 

"You expect an apology?" Tighnari laughed.

"I can't even explain to you how much it hurts that you've exposed my privacy, you're drunk, goodnight Tighnari" He turned away, walking over the other direction.

"I'm glad you dumped him, he's a dick" Tighnari mumbled.

I'm not.

This changes everything…

Chapter Text

"I-" I never admitted I was in the wrong for the whole situation. How hurt he looked after I said those words. I was 22, and what comes with being a 22 year old is being naive. What also comes is a certain vanity, you can never be wrong at that age. 

"Lets get you home, it's been a traumatic hic night, we'll re-celebrate a different time" He pulled me along. We slowly got back to his house as I was offered the guest room.

That's usually how it went when I went into heat. The guest room was comfy, but it really denied me any kind of pheromonal comfort. Without admitting it, I've stolen shirts from Alhaitham to help me through it.

"Where's Baba?" Collei asked as we entered, there was one thing I liked about Tighnari's and Cyno's house; how calming it was. 

"Baba is still working" Tighnari answered.

"Are you drunk?" Collei's head tilted in confusion.

"Yes… Collei I had a few to drink" He smiled, "There was a little mix up at the Tavern, hic so Kaveh is staying with us the remainder of his heat" 

Collei was just a baby, she had just presented as an Omega this year. Poor thing was so shocked her first time, and having to leave school for an entire week. I was the same way when I had gotten my first. My mother had barely explained anything before it, hoping to keep me as young as possible; her way of holding onto my father psychologically.

"Oh… were you forced?" Her eyes grew in concern.

"Just a little hormone forcing, I'll be fine, it's not like it hasn't happened to me before…" I rolled my eyes. "Perks of being the class I am"

"Being an Omega is not deserving of sexual assault" Collei pouted.

"Well, get used-" I stopped myself, I realized just before I said that how fucked up that was.

"I'm glad you stopped yourself before you finished that sentence" Tighnari warned in tone. 

"I realized how messed up that was" I bit my lip, "You're right Collei, it's not deserving, it's unfortunate" I smiled.

I can't believe I almost projected my mother's words to another kid.

"You'll have to get used to being touched Kaveh, you're candy to those wolves"

"Is that why Baba is on overtime?" Collei asked.

"Yes, the guy was stupid enough to do it in front of the general" Tighnari chuckled, rolling his eyes.

I could feel myself finally getting hotter, that annoying sticky sweat that layers on your neck and back were forming. I knew I was starting my heat, it was undeniable. I felt emotional too, I wanted to cry. I hated crying but I did it so much, it was awfully exhausting.

"Let's get you in some comfy clothes Kaveh" Collei offered, I agreed and followed her to the guest room.

"Thank you" I grabbed the clothes from her, some plain pajamas that were cream-off white. "I presume you and Tighnari will bring me meals for the next 5 days?"

"And help with baths" Collei smiled, "So yeah the usual…" She giggled nervously, she looked at me, "I didn't know before but, you have a very calming scent Kaveh, if anyone's ever told you that"

"I've been told multiple things by different partners and friends, yes" I nervously said.

"Sorry! I just have been noticing ever since I… got my class, and Papa tells me it's weird to say those things-" She rambled, "I just can't help myself sometimes with the blurting!" She turned red with embarrassment.

"You're very normal, Collei… scents can be very overwhelming your first year" I said, "Its definitely odd to comment out of nowhere, and I'd watch it with your classmates" I warned.

"Why?" She asked.

"Talking about it can come off as flirting" I chuckled.

"And…" Her eyes blew wide, "I didn't mean it that way Kaveh! I see you as an uncle or a parental figure!" She waved her hands in explanation, a bit of panic behind it. 

"I know, don't worry I did not perceive it that way" I patted her shoulder in comfort. 

"I just meant your scent makes me want to fall asleep, it's like a mix of jasmine and honeysuckle… I loved those as a kid, you have a motherly scent if that makes sense" She pouted.

"Thank you" I smiled, pulling my hand away.

Yeah like you'd make a great mother.

I must be getting sober, cause that little conniving voice is back again. I hated it the most, "How come you never had children Kaveh?" Collei did her head tilt.

"I never found the right man to settle with I guess" I chuckled, "Your Papa and Baba are lucky… perfect for each other"

"What about Alhaitham?" She asked, "He's a good Alpha, he'd take care of you too" Her smile was hopeful.

"We tried before, Collei, we aren't a good match" I sighed away.

"Why not try again? Baba thinks you're perfect for eachother" She went up in the closet to grab some blankets out, placing them next to me.

"We just can't Collei" I teared up and looked away, "As it is… I ruin every good thing I have" I could feel the tears. 

"I don't think so Kaveh… I think you're a wonderful person, you deserve to be loved" She grinned patting my shoulder now.

"You're right, I shouldn't have such bad thought cloud my judgement" I huffed, "Well, I wish you a goodnight, I'll ask for some things in the morning for Tighnari to fetch" I smiled.

"Alright, well, goodnight Kaveh, I hope everything runs smoothly for your heat… I know personally how dreadful it is now" She joked, walking to the door, "Remember to take care of yourself" She closed it behind her. 

I adjusted the bed slightly, undressing myself and pausing before putting on the pajamas. I stared at my arm, there was a slight bruise from that guy holding onto me. Honestly was I some damsel in distress? Needing to be saved? Did Alhaitham have to make me feel so upset on a celebration for me?

Why did I blame him for the forced heat?

It wasn't his fault, it was that guy's, as it was he left bruises all over me. I felt bad, Alhaitham didn't deserve the things I said. I once again spoke when I shouldn't of. I upset him, and worse of all; I pushed his secrets out. 

He definitely wouldn't find me attractive now, not the body I'm in. I was much more lithe back then anyway, more attractive in my class standards. All that exploring and building has toughened up my body, I'm much more like a Beta now.

My thighs have become thicker than a tree trunk thanks to my mother. Not that my past partners have complained, they in fact said the same things all those bachelor's said to my mother back then. You're gorgeous, I've never seen such beautiful hair. You're eyes are so beautiful, we'd make such lovely children.

At the end they weren't real comments. 

The last guy I slept with was over a year ago, we had a relationship for about 6 months. That was until the dude started hitting me that I left. The sex was horrible too, all he wanted was shit to himself. It wasn't until I showed up at Tighnari's with a black eye, that he told me to dump them. 

I've slept with only 3 people since my longest relationship, which was 4 years. Best sex I've ever had, check. Best at making sure I was taken care of, check. Best at complimenting me, check. No arguments? Now that was an ex for sure. Now still, the person that I fantasize about during heat is my virgin slayer. 

I'll give it to Alhaitham, he was good at fucking. I don't know about now, but from when he was 16 up until 20, he'd know exactly where to touch. I might as well stay undressed, cause I was hot just thinking about it. 

Will you be my good boy, my good little slut? 

Fuck Kaveh, just like that.

You're gonna be my good bunny and sit on my face.

I was getting wet thinking about it, how good his tongue felt down there. How he licked and sucked my dick good, how he ate my hole out. My neck was pulsing around the half bitten mark, even after all these years; I still couldn't get rid of it. My hands were already down there, rubbing my slit. Everytime this happened, 4 years, 6 months, 19 times I fantasized about him. 

19 fucking times

And each time I wished and begged him to be here to fuck me. I'm embarrassed admitting it, but it was the truth, how much I wanted him to knot me. Split me open and pound me into his mattress, make sure I moaned so loud the neighbors would hear. Fuck I wanted that bad, my fingers split me open, my moans being bitten off by a blanket.

Hooking my fingers over that bundle of nerves, I moaned into the sheets. My ass in the air as I fingered myself from under. My hips were rocking to the rhythm of my fingers. I wanted more, I wanted Alhaitham, and it sucked! I wanted his tongue to rub over my hole, lick up my slick and suck right on my clit. God how fucking good his mouth would be around my dick. I wish he would walk in on me and rub his dick over my folds and fuck me like the good slut I am. 

God I'm so fucking horny.

My cunt was dripping all over the sheets, down my thighs. This was the major part of heat that fucked me up, the amount of lubricant falling from my folds. I remember how much Alhaitham used to love my slick, his face often buried down there; continuing to suck it up until I begged him to fuck me. Why am I thinking about all of this? He never wants to get back together again. He never wants to hold me like he did back then. 

But I want him so badly.

God I wanted to feel his fingers instead of mine, please, just for one night. I want to fantasize about him still being into me and fucking his fist the 18 ruts he's gone through. I want to imagine he's been exactly like me all these years. That's its not just me embarrassingly stuffing myself thinking about him. I want to drink that disgusting tea Tighnari used to give me because he'd cum in me too many times. 

My fingers aren't good enough, but they'll do for tonight until Tighnari grabs my stuff. For now I'll imagine it's him instead of mine. His fingers are longer, tougher, but they're soft. Thanks to his ick of dry hands they feel like marshmallows. I remember this one time we were late into our studies, although Alhaitham is two years younger than me; he was my junior due to skipping a year. He was so smart, I often envied his skill in logistics. 

Ultimately it was our downfall, logic versus heart. But this one night, my hands were on a live architecture piece; I remember it was my junior year second semester final. I had taken a break, gluing the last tree to the display. I still had a ways to go, but I walked over to Alhaitham in the study room. I thought he had been studying, but when I opened the door, his hands were quick to jump. His eyes blown wide, I could see his level 2 calculus book open, but no notes.

"I thought you were working on your piece" Alhaitham quickly covered himself.

"I was, and then I decided to take a break" I said, walking over for a second.

"Kaveh, I'd like to go back to my studies" He lied, I pulled the chair out for a second, "Kaveh!"

"What studies? Looks like you were taking a break yourself" I bit my lip, pulling his arms away from his crotch.

"I-" He was so flustered, "I was-"

"You were just?" I cut him off, going under the table between his legs, "Just thinking about me?"

"Maybe" He said, I pulled down his pajama pants and his boxers, "Kaveh… I wasn't-"

"No use lying now, I saw it" I licked my lips at the view. "I saw you fucking your fist Haith" I teasingly licked the tip.

"Fuck…" He breathed out, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly as he gulped.

"What were you thinking about?" I asked, teasing more licks.

"You" He admitted, "Fucking you into the mattress" His fingers grazed over my forehead, grabbing my hair.

"Yeah?" I breathed, letting his hand guide me to his length, "Were you thinking about how wet I am around you, when I'm your good boy?" I moaned slightly around his cock.

"Fuck, yeah I was" His hand guided me down his length, as I bobbed my head with the rhythm he wanted.

"I want you to try and do your studying-" I popped off a breathed heavily, "I want to be your good office slut" I moaned as he pulled my hair back.

"My office slut huh?" He pulled my face to his thigh, "Office sluts are quiet" He whispered down into my ear, "Be a good boy and suck my cock like you're meant to" He pulled in his chair, going to his book. 

I went to work sliding my tongue down his shaft, my slit throbbing as I licked up his pre-cum off the tip. My mouth sliding down his knot, oh it was swelled, I loved the way that thing feels inside me. I looked up through the clear glass desk, his face was slightly contorted as he did his notes. My one hand was on the base of his cock, the other on his thigh; slowly I took my other hand traveling down my navel into my-

"Bad boy" He grabbed my hand from pleasuring myself, "You're going to keep your hands to yourself, you decided to go down there and suck on my cock, so finish the job" His eyes narrowed, taking my hand back to his thigh. 

Fuck that was hot.

My cunt throbbed more as I sucked the hell out of his dick. I was wet through my pajama pants, my hips rolling on the floor to chase some sort of friction. Fuck I wanted him inside me so bad. I was getting hornier by the second as his musk entered my nostrils, and there it was, my hard work paying off.

"Mmn" He moaned through his bitten lips, his other hand raking through my hair. I wanted something to touch me so badly, as my tongue glided against his length. My clit was so hard against that dorm floor, my boxers creating friction against it. I could feel him deep in my throat, the drag of it back up and down. His hands on the back of my head forcing a pace, my tongue followed the bottom as his shaft with every thrust.

"Good boy, taking my cock well" He moaned out, his pace becoming faster. Spit running down my chin as he continued. "Would you like my cum office slut?" He asked, his chest heaving as he moaned.

I shook my head, I wanted it inside me, not down my throat. He pulled me off for a second, I whined loudly, my hips still rocking on their own, I could feel my dick's heartbeat against the wood. I went to go back to lick it again, his fist filled with my hair drew me back.

"Speak" He ordered, "I want you to tell me why you refused" His eyes narrowed.

I swallowed my spit, my hot breath escaping, "I want it inside me, please" I looked up with pleading eyes.

"You've been dry humping the floor like a horny animal for the past 20 minutes" He eyed me, "What makes you think you deserve to get fucked?" He whispered, rubbing his thumb over my lip.

"I've been sucking your cock really good for those minutes~" I moaned, "I deserve to be your cocksleeve don't I?" I felt one of my nipples rub against his leg through my shirt, a small moan escaped my throat. 

"Ask correctly and I'll think about it" He eyed me up and down.

I sucked his cock again, my tongue lifting from his balls to the tip, kissing up his stomach while unbuttoning it. My hands placed on his thighs as I got myself out from under the desk. I closed the book behind me, closing the notes too. I placed them to the side, lifting my shirt above my head. I pulled down my pants, a clear wet spot through the crotch. I sat softly on the desk, spreading my legs out, displaying my soaked cunt to him.

"Please, Haith? I really want you" I moaned, "Look at how soaked I am for you" I ran my fingers over my slit to prove it, "Please take care of me" I begged, looking away, no matter how many times I've said it it always embarrassed me. 

His eyes raked me up and down, he pulled forward his chair, a muted reaction as his face drew closer. I decided to be naughty, letting out a slight hormones to seduce him; because I wanted it bad, I wanted him to fuck me on this desk. I wanted to ruin that calculus book with his cum and my slick dripped on it. 

"Wait here, sweetheart" He whispered, getting up, "I want you to take off those boxers for me when I come back" He kissed my knee softly, going through the door.

I lifted my hips, pulling off my underwear, and sliding them down. I had a delicious idea pop into my head, Alhaitham's backpack open. I tossed the slutty red underwear in a little pocket for him to find later. I little reminder of his studies for the finals. I sat back on the desk, my slit dripping into the desk a little, waiting there. 

It was so hard not to touch myself.

He came back in with a couple of my toys, my hole clenched a little at the sight. His dick moved as he walked, and I couldn't help myself but stare at it. If it weren't for how fucking dripping I was, I'd suck that thing on my knees again. "Hormone releasing? Are you trying to seduce me?" He smirked, setting one of my dildos on the side shelf next to me. "If so it's working" His hand rested on my thigh for a minute.

I nodded softly, "Yes…" I admitted, "I wanted you Haith" I looked away "Look at how you left me" I pouted, spreading my legs wider; my cheeks rushing with heat.

I was creating a little pool of slick at this point, his eyes calculated as he stared at me. He sat back in the chair, grabbed my dildo and put it in front of my folds. "I want you to fuck yourself right in front of me, show me how much you want this dick" He pushed the suction cup down, my slick making it stick better. 

"Yes, daddy" I moaned, grabbing the oil next to me, I spread a little on the tip lubricating the rest of it. "Does this mean I can touch myself?" I asked.

"Absolutely" He said, fucking his hand softly at the sight. I rubbed my dick, moaning loudly at the sparks that ignited as I played with myself. My fingers dipped into my hole, spreading open my walls for the thing in front of it. "Good boy, just like that for me" Alhaitham moaned.

"Fuck" I cursed as I hooked my fingers on my gspot, more slick running out. "Haith, baby, fuck" my fingers worked to finger myself, I got on my knees a little. 

"Bunny, come here" He moaned, scooting closer, I moved the suction cup to the edge. My cunt slowly took the dildo to the hilt, just over the fake knot.

"Haith, fuck it feels so good" I moaned out, lifting up a little and going down slowly. "Fuck Haitham, Archons-" I picked up the pace, my ass slapping gently against the glass. 

His hand ran up and down his length as he watched me fuck myself. I never had felt more attractive than when his eyes studied my body, his face beckoning closer to my dick. Oh fuck, if this kept going I think I might cum just by his eyes. 

Those pretty blue eyes with a yellow center.

"You're so gorgeous, my office slut" His other hand ran up my moving thigh, up to my hips as he massaged the dip there. Fuck that felt good as I rode that toy. 

"Alhaitham please-" I was starting to grow impatient to his light touches. His hand tickled down my happy trail, landing on my core. "F-Fuck!" I moaned aloud, the slapping getting more brutal as I continued.

"That's right, fuck yourself good for me, I love the way you bounce on that thinking about my cock" He groaned, his thumb flicking up and down my clit. I threw my head back, my long hair falling behind, my hips rocking as I chased my first orgasm.

"Yes, Haith fuck!" I screamed, "Just like that rub my dick hard!" My walls clenched around the base, my hips rolling as deep as I could take it. "Haitham, Haitham, Alhaitham-" My voice babbled, as I licked my lips. "Oh fuuck!" My voice escaped deep from my throat.

"Good boy, that's right…" His eyes skated to my face, "Cum for me Baby" He moaned, his thumb working quicker.

"Haith-" I swallowed my drool, "Yes, fuck-" I was loosing my mind, my hips bouncing faster like I was in heat. "Fuck right there, just like that, yes-" I hummed, sparks traveling from my insides up into my body, oh it was building, almost too unbearable. 

Oh fuck, I'm cumming-

"Haith, fuck!" I screamed a little, my pussy throbbing on that fake cock as I slammed one last time on it, "Fuck, I'm cumming! Alhaitham!' I yelled, bouncing my wet walls a few more times, as slick escaped them. A slight squirt coming out, the desk dripping with my cum. 

His hand stopped as he put his face in front of the fake cock, his tongue darted out. He licked up the puddle underneath me, up until it was gone. "You taste amazing, Kaveh" He pulled me down for a kiss, I could taste myself on his lips. It made my hips roll a little bit against the toy. I looked down at his swollen cock, the base flared all the way up.

"Please Haith-" I held onto his shoulders, begging. He lifted me up a little, my legs trembling from the first orgasm, pulling the fake thing out. More slick dribbled from my cunt, his eyes staring down. He put the blue toy over to the side, dipping down between my legs he sat back down on that chair.

He licked up and down my folds slurping up what he could of my liquids. His tongue was so velvety as it traveled up and down my inner labia, and over my abused hole. Wet sounds and soft moans could be heard from that dorm; his whole face wet with my cum. He was eating me out like it was his last meal, and I was letting him do it.

Fuck, don't lick my clit, I'll cum again.

"Fuck! Haith!" I bit my lip, his lips closing around it as he sucked it up. My dick was throbbing as his abused the nub. His tongue working fast right over those nerves like an expert. "Alhaitham please I'll cum again if you do that-"

That only made him work harder against my clit, flicking it up and down just right. Oh God, it felt so fucking good, he's so fucking good to me, yes. "Fuck just like that, lick up everything from your office slut-" I said, collapsing on the desk, my legs spread for that man in-between them. "Alhaitham, right there, you're gonna make me cum again-" I screamed a little, my walls clinging to nothing as he quickly ran his tongue over my hole to catch my slick again. His hand scratched at my thighs, his mouth and chin bobbing as he ate my slutty hole for all it had. 

"Fuck you're so fucking hot, you're so hot Alhaitham, please… fuck!" I mumbled incoherently, my walls fluttering as they clung to my orgasm. "Archons, fuck Haith! I'm cumming again!" I screamed out a moan, his tongue persistent against my dick mouth closing around the whole of my pussy. I squirted in his mouth this time, I could hear him swallow it up. 

Fuck I was a good slut.

"Haith, you can stop-" My mouth went agape as he continued that brutal pace, "Haith fuck, please it hurts-" 

"Does it?" He lifted up, his spit and my slick connecting.

"Well no, I'm just gonna cum fast if-" I gasped as he went down again, "Haitham! Fuck! No!" I yelled, my clit was throbbing at the overstimulation. "Mnnn mmh!" My hips rolled against his face, my body it's own traitor. 

I'm gonna again, fuck.

"Please fuck faster!" I screamed, "Yes! Fuck baby I'm cumming!" I gutted out another loud moan, my thighs shaking so badly around his head, my hands yanking his hair as I came really hard. 

He still drank down my squirt, licking up the rest of the slick my body allowed. His eyes met mine as he lifted from there, coming up to my face. I pulled him in, kissing him so hard, my legs wrapping around his waist, I could feel his cock on my thigh as I made out with him. "Fuck, Kaveh…" He moaned against my lips.

I moved over my hips, the tip of his cock meeting with my folds. "I want you to sit on that chair, Haith-" I breathed from our kiss, I rolled my hips against his dick, a small groan escaping his lips. "And I wanna fucking ride you like the slut I am~" I whispered in his ear. 

"Fuck-" He moaned like it was a prayer, sitting back against that office chair. My legs trembled as I took a step over where he was, sitting on his lap. I flipped my hair over my shoulder, kissing him as I lifted up, rubbing myself over his dick softly. His soft groans escaping his mouth as I frotted his dick. 

"Fuck baby, you want me?" I asked, rubbing quicker. My dick felt so good rubbing against his, fuck I wanted him inside badly.

"Yes, fuck-" He groaned heavier, his hips matching my rhythm.

"How much baby?" I rolled my hips particularly hard against him. 

"Really bad, I want you to fuck me good-" He moaned, catching my thighs. "Can I put it in, Kaveh?" He asked, lifting me up.

I didn't answer, I grabbed his cock in-between my hands, lining up. I slammed down against it, a soft humming scream escaped as I bit my lip. "F-Fuck…" I looked down, his knot on the edge of my hole.

"Kaveh-" He breathed against my neck, grabbing my ass, a soft groan capturing his lips. I kissed him, grabbing the back of his neck, I lifted up slowly, going back down. My back arching against his touch as he ran his hand back there.

"Fuck, Haitham you feel so good-" I bit my lip, going back to kissing him, our skin becoming louder with every slap. "Fuck, ooh~" My hole clenched hard against that cock.

Alhaitham grabbed my hips as he groaned against my chin, kissing down my neck as his dick bounced inside of me. "I love being inside you-" He bit off, giving me a small hickey on my neck. 

"Fuck!" I yelled, slamming myself with his lifting hips, our moans becoming breathy and quick. I bounced on that dick faster, my ass jiggling with every thrust. Fuck, it felt good, the drag of his cock inside of me, how it brushed and abused my cervix just the right way. How I could feel every curve of him as his tongue went down my throat. My hole molding to his shaft and tip. My cunt was puffy and throbbing, slick on my thighs and down his knot onto his lap.

"Fuck Kaveh, if you keep clenching like that I'm gonna cum inside you-" He groaned loudly, his pace becoming brutal as I continued to bounce. The chair was creaking, along with the wet slaps of our lovemaking echoed in the room. I kissed him more, my hole catching on the knot slightly with every thrust.

"Fucking put me on the desk, I want you to cream the fuck out of me all over your studies!" I hummed against his cock, he lifted me, setting me on the desk. He thrusts were ravenous as my walls begged for more. His pens and quills rattling as he fucked me into that desk, his calculus two book falling on the floor. I moaned and clawed at his back as he slammed into me, his hand fell between us as his other placed on my back for support. He flicked my clit as his cock pounded into me. 

"Fuck your hole is so fucking good-" He groaned in my ear. Going back to making out with me, I hummed little screams into his mouth.

"Haitham, baby, fuck-" I pulled off his lips, "Fuck me good just like that-" I humped my hips against his, my dick throbbing against this touch, " Yes, Haith, fuck… yes!" I breathed out with every roll of his hips. 

"Does your dick feel good baby?" He asked, playing with my clit in-between his fingers, I moaned back in response.

"Yes, fuck, go faster though, fuck me harder Haitham-" I begged, my chest heaving harder, the smack of our skin becoming quicker, "Does your cock feel good inside this cunt?" I moaned in question, the knot edging at my entrance.

"Fuck bunny it does, your walls feel so fucking good against this dick-" His hips shuttered against my ass.

"Oh fuck!" I moaned his lips traveling to my nipples, he was abusing every part that could possibly make me scream more. "Yes, yes, fuck, keep going!" I begged against him, "I'm gonna cum, please, right there!" He kept brushing against my womb, and fuck that felt good after he pounded my gspot.

"Kaveh, fuck, Archons, fuck-" He chanted with my moans, "Fuck I'm gonna cum-" He moaned against my neck, traveling to kiss me, his thrusts pounding into my walls. My hole clenched as he fucked me through a 4th orgasm, my screams muffled by his groan. My back arched as he trusted one last time, the knot passing through my entrance, locking us together. I could feel my insides filling up with cum, blocked by the knot inside me.

"Haith-" I gently said, looking into his eyes, "Your cum feels so good" I mumbled on his lips, "And your knot…" I moaned, rolling my hips, "Makes me wanna cum again"

His eyes looked fucked out, as he breathed out softly, "You feel so good too, Kaveh…" He nuzzled against my neck, my head moving to give him access, as he bit over the mark slightly. 

"Mmn!" I moaned to his bite, "You treat me so good, Haith, don't make me-" His thumb rested on my clit again, I hummed in response.

"A 5th time?" He smiled, I loved it when he smiled.

"No, please, my dick is abused, it can't handle another-" I giggled, kissing his lips. 

"Alright, my bunny" He giggled, kissing me again, I leaned into it, his knot going down slowly.

"Fuck, your notes Alhaitham-" I looked under us, "They're covered in slick-" I pouted, "Fuck I'm sorry, you needed those-" I sighed.

"Let me see, lift up your ass-" He chuckled, putting them to the side, he flipped the page over, "They're still tangible, just smudged" He smirked.

I pushed his bangs from his face, staring into his eyes, "You know, I'll always love you" I smiled gently, the knot down.

"Me too, Kaveh, I love you too" He smiled, "Always" He pulled me closer, there was always something intimate about how Alhaitham held me even after his knot was down. He wanted us to stay together, close, even after everything was done. 

I was crying in real life, at the end of it all, it was just a stupid memory. 

My fingers were long gone out of myself, I didn't have long hair anymore. I wasn't as young and freshly 21, and I didn't have a mate. Worst of all, I didn't have Alhaitham smiling and holding me. I wanted that so bad, it physically hurt, it hurt not to have him here. Slick still spilling out of me still, my body wanting that affection it craved. At the end of it all I knew the logistics of why my neck throbbed; why my body couldn't and would not forget him. 

I still loved him

Chapter Text

It feels so foreign for him not to be here, not to hold me, we laugh, and he comforts me while I cry. He gets me chocolates and ice cream for my after heat, kisses me and tells me things are alright. He loves me and cradles me close while I fall asleep. 

My stupid illness ruined things, I ruined what was good in my life. What would've happened if I sucked up my pride that night and told him I didn't mean it. I didn't want him to go, i wanted him to stay, stop treating me like he was. What if we fixed it? Would I have a ring on my finger? Would I be a stay at home dad? Two kids, one on the way just how I dreamed as a kid.

It was always my heat that made me think of children. I held my flat stomach and teared up, Alhaitham was good with children. He'd make an amazing father, if he was my husband. 

I fucked up

That voice rang in my ears again, I can't do it. I can't handle that voice tonight, not with this. God I'm so pathetic, thinking about my ex, that never wants me again? Fucking myself thinking about when we were together? Yeah, I'm fucking ridiculous.

Why don't you just shatter the picture right there and slit your wrists. Then maybe someone will care.

No. I can't do that, I can't do that to Tighnari, his daughter doesn't deserve that scene. It's too bloody.

What about the pills?

You're just getting emotional, you need to calm down. It's okay, we still have Alhaitham in our life, he still cares about me. 

But not the way I want him to care about me. I sobbed silently, all I cause is ruin for everyone. My mother deserved a happy life sooner, if I had just killed myself earlier. If I had just ended it all Alhaitham would've never been hurt.

If I was dead, my father would've never gone to the desert. He would've been alive and well, it's all my fault. If I didn't exist everything would've been better. I should just end it now, get it over with. 

He still loves you .

Like that matters, I sobbed harder against the sheets, putting on pajama pants I went to the guest bathroom. I was crying hard, my vision so blurry as I scrambled to find something. A razor held in my hands, my brain tricking on the fact, it was sharp. I felt the blade against my wrist, the drag of it imagined in my mind.

Do it

Everyone will be better off without you. In fact Tighnari won't have to deal with you any longer, Alhaitham will have a house to himself. You'll feel so much better after.

The red looked back at me as I sobbed, it was better this way. I was better off dead than continuing to burden the ones I loved. 

"K̴̜̄̓ả̴̼͉͖̥v̷̡̩̉͛͝e̸̻̳̊͗h̵̠̏͐!" Someone yelled, I had tunnel vision as my wrist was pulled away, the razor landing on the floor, "W̷͓̳̭̓̅h̸͈͕̠͓̀a̷̳̹͖̅̑̄͋͝ẗ̷͍̬́͆̊͊ ̸̭̔̿̂̍̍w̴̡̭͕̳̌̎͐̒ȩ̸͙̀̓͊͆͝r̷̻̠̠̀͑̂̕ḛ̶̗̱͓̞̀ ̷̢̾͐́ý̶͎̖͙̄ȯ̵͔̜͜u̷͕̼̦͇͑ ̷̜̊̏̀̚t̶̜͊̅̈́̚h̶̨̥͗̏̐̚͠ḭ̴̢͔̬̈́̓͗̏͠n̵͕̳͚͎͖̅̏̚k̴̦̟͍̰̊̀̐i̸̺͂ň̸͔͉͓̠̂̓̀͠ͅg̴̨͓̙̊̉͝?" 

"No… no, I need to… I need to kill myself-" I wailed, that blurry vision still there. 

"Kaveh! Stop!" Tighnari screamed, "Stop!" He sobbed, holding me close, "Please! Do you have any idea how much people love you?"

"I can't keep burdening people! I can't-" I sobbed, my wrist was barely cut, but it was deep.

"What caused this?" He asked, tears escaping his eyes, "What got you in this mindset?".

"Alhaitham doesn't love me!" I weeped, "I ruined everything Tighnari, I ruined my own happiness!" 

"What?" He shook his head, "What are you talking about?" Tighnari asked.

"I hurt him! I hurt him Tighnari!" I screamed, "I ended things, I said things I didn't mean!"

"Its okay, hey-" Tighnari pulled me close, "Its okay" He shushed, "I need you to calm down Kaveh, your illness, it's not making you think correctly" He ran his fingers through my hair.

"I want Alhaitham, Tighnari… please" I begged, "I want him back" I sobbed.

"You know I can't do that, I can't bring him here" He rubbed my back. "You're not thinking clearly Kaveh" He sighed.

"He doesn't love me anymore, not the way I want him to" I shook my head.

"Alhaitham loves you Kaveh, he loves you so much"

"He doesn't want to marry me or have children with me" I cried.

Tighnari sighed in realization, "Kaveh, please come to the bed, let's get you to bed, you're thinking too much" He helped me up, taking me to the bed. "Now stay here, I have to remove all the unsafe items from the room" I watched him grab the razors, pills, and any sharp objects. Even the picture frame was gone. There was also something on his pajamas.

"Tighnari" I called, I was feeling better now, realizing how ridiculous I was acting. "There's blood-"

"From your wrist, is it on me?" Tighnari asked, looking around himself, the bag of stuff held by his right arm.

"No, your crotch" I said, "Thank you too, I was acting irrationally… I've just been having trouble with my mood disorder…" I trailed off, Tighnari looked shocked, running to the bathroom, I followed behind worried for him. "Is everything alright?" I asked.

"I'm not due! I wasn't due for a heat for another month" He said, which made me worry more, it was fine, Tighnari was a doctor after all. He would be okay.

"What do you think it was?" I asked, if it weren't for my stupid outbreak, he wouldn't have stressed himself into a heat. It was my fault, I needed to handle things by myself.

He opened the door, his ears were down, and his face was confused with shock. "I-" He shook his head, pulling me in for a hug. I hugged back, the confusion even worse as he continued to embrace me. "I'm glad I stopped you Kaveh" He sighed out.

"What happened?" I asked, worried as ever.

"I'll tell you after your heat, there can't be anymore stress on you, especially with your illness right now" He sat me on the bed, holding my hands, "I need you to know I love you very much as a friend, Alhaitham loves you too, and your mother wouldn't want to wake up knowing her son is gone…" He reassured me, "You are loved Kaveh, do not kill yourself, you are not a burden" He smiled.

"I'm okay now, Tighnari, thanks again for preventing me from doing something stupid" I looked down.

"Its okay, I have to go to Cyno right now, will you be alright?" Tighnari asked in a hurry, whatever was happening, he was trying to keep calm. 

"Yes, I will" I smiled, reassuring him, "Will you tell me what happened after?"

"Yes, now please I have to go" He stood up, taking the bag as the door quickly shut behind him.

He wasn't due? The only reason you'd be bleeding is a forced heat, which he did not have, an injury, or you were born a female. Which none had occurred, the other thing it could be was something my mother briefly talked about, it was difficult for male omegas to get pregnant. Unlike women we could only do it during heat, it was very rare outside of that window. You usually knew immediately if you were expecting as a male omega. 

Which left me one conclusion, Tighnari was expecting, but just lost it. The stress of the situation, I felt horrible, I caused him a miscarriage. Its my fault, it was my fault he lost it.

Stop, it's okay.

Tighnari didn't want another child right now, he bragged about drinking that tea after his last heat. He talked about how a child was inconvenient right now, he was planning a wedding. He wanted to wait 4 years when Collei was 18 to have another child.

"You have to think logically, Kaveh" 

Alhaitham's voice rang in my ears, he was always right and I hated that. How many times would I do this crap until I realize how stupid it was? I can't kill myself the moment things become hard, I stared at my scars. My arms littered here and there from when I was a teenager. Now another on my right arm, it was a little deep nick, almost like I accidentally cut myself. 

Alhaitham was not going to like this, I promised him 6 months ago I'd stop this shit. Once again I can't keep promises, even when I'm told I'm not a burden; I still believe it, deep down with that voice, it convinces me. It convices me no one loves me, that I'd be better off dead. I don't know why I listen to it, why it creeps into me like a vine that never stops growing. 

I have to stop, I sighed out gently, wiping my tears with the napkins on the side table next to the bed. My pajamas were soaked, as I got up, messing with the blankets to create a soft place. I paced around, grabbing comfort items from the drawers and placing them with efforts to soothe myself. Often, I didn't create a nest for my heats, but this one was emotional and tasking. 

I pulled my pajama bottoms off, grabbing a towel for on top of the bed. I laid upon it, exhaling in annoyance at my hole producing more. I rubbed my dick slowly, shivering at the feeling, but my body needed it. It needed to orgasm over and over again, or it was going to be painful. I tried to close my eyes and imagine being licked out.

No matter how many times I tried to imagine differently, Alhaitham always came to mind. His fingers, his tongue, it was irritating honestly. But it got me there quick, quietly, and felt amazing. As I fingered myself a 4th time thinking about my ex, I thought also about what he had said. Alhaitham was still in love with me, which probably meant he did this too. He wanted me like this, hunched over a towel producing enough slick for an orgy. Maybe he was still sexually attracted to me; maybe he'd crave me the way I crave him.

"Haith, yes, fuck-" I mumbled with a whisper, "Please yes, yes-" I hummed, babbling his name over and over. My fingers as deep as they could go. My dick was throbbing against my other hand as I drew circles around it. Fuck I wanted him so bad, I wanted him to slam me into the mattress, pull up my hips, and fuck me until my whole uterus was filled.

I want his children

"Mnn, right there… fill me like a good cum slut" I admitted as my cheeks and chest heated with embarrassment. Fuck it felt good admitting dirty things aloud, my chest rising up and down as I got to another orgasm. "Haith, mmh-" I sucked down my hot breath, "Mnn, fuck, please-" I rubbed harder against my nerves, abusing myself in return. 

"I'm gonna-" I moaned out, my legs spread out against that bed, I don't know how I got there; but if anyone walked in, I'd be spread out like butter moaning my ex's name. It would all be embarrassing, but it's his fault making me like this. His groans in my ear, the rhythm of his hips, I could almost imitate that feeling. My fingers hooking faster as I chased a final orgasm before I went to sleep. 

My legs trembled as I felt it travel through my whole body. Soft pitter pattered breaths fell out of me as I sprawled out on that bed. Looking at the ceiling I finally felt relieved enough to go to sleep; I could process the day. How everything actually made me feel, a single needle of clarity signaling inside me. Today had sucked, I didn't expect to be in a heat, I didn't expect to have huge mood swings; which I had forgotten comes worse with forced cycles. I was surprised to find out Alhaitham was still in love with me, as cold as he is now. Most of all, I was unprepared to crave him so badly, that it was the worst it's been for years. It almost feels as bad as the first one without him. 

That one sucked.

I turned over, closing my eyes shut, my dick finally not throbbing enough to be uncomfortable. I missed Alhaitham so much, that even a shirt would bring me peace enough to calm down. I missed how much he smelled of the rain and pine, and his hugs that captured mine. How safe I always felt there when we were together. I wanted to feel that safety again. My eyes began to become too heavy to keep open as I drifted off to sleep. 

My body was weighted against the nest I created. Breathing in and out, staring at darkness, I could feel a dream coming on. I was asleep now, comfortable and content.

Chapter Text

"Haith?" I called out, I looked at the room around me. It was Alhaitham's room for sure, but the decorations and small touches of it were mine. Like the hairbrush from my grandmother, and the paintings on the walls. The lip gloss, glitters and kohl stick set on the side of the bottle. It was all sitting on my vanity set in Alhaitham's room, I stood up and grabbed my robe, sitting down in front of the mirror.

I had long hair again, braided to the side, which was a mess. I grabbed my hairbrush and undid the braid, softly brushing through it. My eyebags were particularly bad today, as I went to go find my under eye cream. I went down the usual hall, to my room, I don't know why exactly the eye cream wasn't on my vanity; or why my stuff was in Alhaitham's room, or why I was sleeping in it. But, I definitely needed to get it for those pesky-

"Wha-" I stared at the photo on the wall, my face smiling from ear to ear. I was in all white, a veil over my face, I was crying. It was a photo at the alter, a man standing in front of me, but out of focus. I went down to the next photo on the wall, a group of them, Alhaitham and I in our junior days. One of us in college, and another taken professionally, and the last…

I lifted my fingers up to my face, a gold band staring right back. I stared at the photo, I was looking into Alhaithams eyes in all white, my hand placed on his chest, and his arm around my waist. The way his soft smile and kind eyes viewed into mine, the same way Tighnari looked into Cyno's and Cyno returned it. I was married to Alhaitham, my heart squeezed in happiness. My ring was beautiful too, everything that I had imagined, a simple band curled into a pearlescent diamond setting. 

Maybe the eye bags were worth it? I walked to my room, there was a tiny bed with bars on the sides of it, a lump with a tuft of ashy blonde hair stook out. I was pretty sure my eye cream no longer existed in this room, as I bended down to pull the covers off their face. He had Alhaitham's nose and my lips, sleeping soundly against the blue sheets of the bed. Suddenly my heart was swelling, the boy was 4 years old, with the cutest little mint night gown on. I ran my fingers through his hair, careful not to wake the sleeping baby up. But to my surprise, he fluttered his little eyelashes awake; a small smile on his face as I looked into his eyes.

"Daddy?" He mumbled, holding my hand close to him, he had the same eyes as his father. 

"Goodmorning, darling" I gave a kiss on his cheek, a soft adoration encompassing my emotions.

"What's wrong daddy?" He asked, his little eyebrows curving upward.

"Nothing, I'm just thinking about how lucky I am to have you" I said, tearing up a little.

"Oh" He sat up a little, holding my hand, a little disoriented. 

"Don't worry honey, nothings wrong with daddy okay? I'm just very happy" I took my hand to cusp his cheek. "Daddy loves you very much" I kissed his forehead. 

"I love you too" He giggled, crawling a little over the bed to give me a long hug.

"Do you happen to know where Baba is?" I asked him, running my fingers through his hair lovingly. 

"Babas at work" He laughed, "You know that daddy!" He bounced back on the bed, stretching out his little legs over the edge. 

"I know… silly me, I should've known where Baba was" I chuckled, watching him get off the bed and go out the room. He waddled so cutely down the hall, to the restroom. I followed behind slowly eying the other photos, one with my mother and two kids. My mind drew me to the other guest room. Alhaitham had a large house, 4 bedroom 2.5 bath. I looked into the last one from down the hall. 

A loud cry came suddenly from the room, I darted into it quickly. The toddler was crying loudly, red in the face screaming, his arms held up as he tripped back into the crib. More loud yelling plummeted out of his lungs. I had to think for a moment, going quickly to attend the child. I picked him out of the crib, and bounced him a few times on my hip, the cries became louder, piercing.

"Shhh, it's okay… calm down-" I patted his back, more curdling tears escaped. "Daddy's here it's okay-"

"Daddy you're weird today" The 4 year old behind me said, "He needs nappy gone" He explained.

"Nappy?" I turned, the nappy was filled and needed a change, "You're right love, I'm so glad to have a smart son" I ruffled his hair, going to the changing station. 

Too bad all of this was a dream, it was nice though, the dream.

The crying continued until I took the nappy off and went under the shelves for a rag. There was something very off about the 4 year old's behavior; mostly that he didn't act like a 4 year old. He didn't get jealous of attention given to another child, he knew a 2 year old's needs, and just sat quietly on the chair. I changed the nappy quickly, the toddler calming down and making soft coos. 

This was a dream anyway, of course he didn't act normal .

"There you go, muah" I gave the toddler a soft kiss on his head, pulling him up on my hip. I sighed softly, lovingly running my fingers through the 4 year old's hair as I passed him. I walked to the kitchen and stared for a moment, I could cook some boiled eggs for breakfast. 

"Darling, do you remember what your name is?" I asked the 4 year old.

"Ayele" He answered, "Why are you asking stupid questions daddy?" He pouted.

He made that same face Alhaitham does when he said that too. That pout with a side eye, and his eyebrows slightly stitched, "Excuse me?" I scoffed a little, "You do not call people stupid" I became cross.

"But you are stupid" He said plainly.

"You do not call your father stupid" I explained, "I'm testing your knowledge, I already know your name" I sighed. 

"Why do you need to?" He asked, "I'm capable enough" He argued.

Capable? That wasn't something a normal 4 year old would say, it's too advanced. "Regardless, you do not call people stupid Ayele…" I put down my foot.

"Okay" He gave me a side eye again, that boy was a carbon copy of Alhaitham if I had ever witnessed one. Down to the face that I hated the most from him, I know better than you face. 

I walked in the kitchen, grabbing a pot and filling it with water, I almost forgot this was a dream; until the pot turned into a fruit, I had a baby stroller in front of me, Ayele sniffing the mangoes. I sighed out looking at my options, what was I doing here?

I got distracted by Ayele and the mangoes, staring back at the fruits and veggies. "He looks more and more like the Grand Sage everyday" The lady commented.

"Oh, I know, he acts like him too" I scoffed, "Glad at least one looks like me" I notioned to the stroller.

"They're going to grow up very handsome indeed" The older lady smiled, her eyes flicking to my stomach, "And another one on the way I sense-" 

"Huh?" I cut off, "Do I look expecting?" My eyebrows stitched with offense.

"No darling, you just have a change in scent, I can tell when a lucky Omega is due for a baby" She smiled, old people noticed things like that.

"I suppose I'm late on my next cycle-" I paused, looking around the mangoes, Ayele was missing, "Oh god!" I snapped, looking around, "Did you see where he went?" I panicked.

"I was distracted by the conversation myself-" She got from around the booth, looking around.

"Ayele!" I yelled, how could I have lost him in the 30 seconds I had a conversation with this lady? "I apologize, I have to find my son-" I bowed slightly before taking the stroller in my hands.

"Goodbye!" She called out, where could he have gone? I looked around every booth, around the corners, passed the blacksmith. It was getting concerning until I started walking to the academia. I sighed out as I saw the little boy outside the library, along with a familiar voice around the walkway. Ayele bolted over around the corner.

"Ayele!" I called out, this was more like a nightmare than a good dream! I ran over with the stroller, passing the library doors.

"And once we pass the quad area, we are met with the lib-" The voice paused.

"Baba!" Ayele hugged his leg.

"I apologize, if you could excuse me-" Alhaitham picked him up, the young scholar's family surprised, "How did you get away, all the way out here?" He smiled gently.

"I wanted to read" He announced, I came around the corner, sighing out.

"He slipped from my sight 30 seconds!" I caught my breath from running, "I apologize for disturbing your tour" I looked down with a soft bow before taking Ayele.

"Where is his hand leash?" Alhaitham asked, "You know he'll bolt off without it" 

"Daddy's been weird today" Ayele said. 

"Yes I have, again I'm so sorry for disturbing your work-"

"Aren't you the famous Architect Kaveh?" The wife of the family asked, "You just built that wonderful park in Fontaine!" She smiled, "To think such a handsome Sage was married to such a wonderful beauty" She commented. 

"Thank you" I blushed from bashfulness, "Yes, I did" I smiled gently.

"I can see why you've been out of work" She eyed the kids, "Being a stay at home husband is a tricky task"

"Alhaitham and I do both our parts into the children" I smiled, looking back to him, sighing gently at Ayele in my hands. 

"Better than my husband" She joked, patting the nobleman on the shoulder. 

Alhaitham held my back softly, pulling me in for a moment, "I'll be back home later this evening, we were hit by a bunch of seeking noble applicants and I have to put on a good front" He whispered in my ear. 

"Alright" I whispered in his ear, "I love you Haith" I looked into his eyes.

"Love you too" He said gently, going back up to a proper composure, "I apologize for the delay, shall we proceed with the tour?" He put a gentle smile on.

"It was so nice meeting you" The wife came over and shook my hand, "You're just as beautiful as they gossip about, just like your mother…" She giggled.

"Oh, don't be too kind, I look like a mess today" I chuckled. 

"Its so nice to see your husband with a soft spot, he scares every tour group that he's in charge of" She rolled her eyes jokingly. 

"He can be uptight, but he has a kind heart" I smiled, as he proceeded taking the Nobleman and his daughter to the library.

"Edette! Come on!" The man called.

"Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day! I'm such a fan of your work!"

"You too! And thank you!" I waved her off, staring a side eye into the 4 year old's eyes, "Ayele, do not run off like that again" I warned.

"I just wanted to read" He pouted.

This was just a dream after all, a silly dream.

"If you want to read, you ask, we can get you books from the library, but you cannot go off like that! It's dangerous" I looked at him in worry.

"Yes, daddy" He honestly looked so hurt, he was only 4, he couldn't understand anything other than that he wanted those books. I sighed out gently, pushing the stroller into the library. His face lit up with a thousand stars as he looked around. "I love you daddy!" He hugged me tight.

"I love you too, but you need to stay close to me and ask to do this" I warned again, putting him down, "I'll allow you 6 books, you have to choose wisely okay?"

"Okay!" He walked over to the section he wanted, I sat down with the baby in the reading area. I remember some of the notes I took in this very library, sitting and meeting Alhaitham in them. How many fond memories occurred in this study were we spent most of our time in.

"Num Num!" The toddler cooed, I sighed out and pulled out chunks of apple I had stored; putting it on the platform in front of him. 

"That's right, chomp on some Num Nums" I fed the 2 year old, I still had no idea what his name was. I watched Ayele bounce around and collect books quickly. He was just like his father, his nose in a book every second of the day. 

"Daddy! Come help!" He called, I grabbed the stroller and walked over, he was carrying 6 large books, barely even able to hold then.

"Ayele, let's focus on something more age appropriate-" I picked up some of the books I his hand. 

"I can read these!" He got upset, "I can read like Baba!" He snapped, angry as can be. His sour look once again reminding me of Alhaitham. I took the books gently, holding 3 of them.

"Show me you can read a paragraph from each of these, and I will let you get them" I raised a brow.

"Deal" He smirked, and oh God, he smirked just like that man. Infuriating, I wanted to slap the 4 year old's face if it weren't for the fact he wasn't Alhaitham, he was my son, and 4! 

Alhaitham always gave that smug fucking smirk when he had something to prove. Or, he was being a fucking dick to solidify that I was stupid and he was smarter than me. I hated it, but this was a sweet baby, not Alhaitham. A sweet baby boy who wanted to show off he could read these books.

And with each book, he read each long paragraph; only stumbling on words he didn't know .

After that we continued to go run errands we needed to. I got the fruits and veggies we required; thinking of something good to prepare for dinner. Alhaitham, like he said wasn't going to be back until late, whatever late meant. I felt like a house-husband taking care of two kids, and apparently another on the way. All day I hadn't even taken one hour for myself.

Just, kids, kids, kids… I stirred the curry in the pot, sighing gently as the chicken seared. It was 5 o'clock, Ayele was reading his books, and the baby was sleeping. When did he come home? I sighed gently, looking over at Ayele. 

"When does your father come home?" I asked him.

"2 hours ago, 3 o' clock" He responded, nose in his book.

"You're so smart to remember that Ayele, dinner will be ready soon" I complimented, the 4 year old smiled gently, putting down his book. He waddled over softly, going to my side, he took the stool and stood on it.

"Can I taste?" He stuck out his tongue, I took the curry in a spoon, blowing it off I handed him the dollop. His little chin wobbled as he ate it, his face studying, "It needs more turmeric" He mentioned, I grabbed a little and stirred it around, tasting it myself.

"You're right Ayele, it tastes better now" I smiled, running my hands through his hair, noticing the ashy blonde roots with a touch of silver highlights. "You're so much like your Baba, you know that?" I gave him a soft kiss on the head.

"I think I'm like you too!" He argued, "We have the same hair" He pointed to it, I chuckled softly, because if it weren't for that; Ayele wouldn't have a single sign he was my child. "I'm short too!" He pouted.

"Your father was shorter than me in our junior days, it wasn't until he was older he completely beat me" I stirred the curry, turning off the stove, I put the cover over it. "There's nothing wrong being like Baba, he's a good man" I cupped the child's cheek, "And you're a good son, good like Baba" I lovingly stroked his cheek.

"I'm good like Baba…" He grinned, getting off the stool to sit at the table. I took some curry in a chopper and chopped it up for the 2 year old, dusting my hands on the apron; I set 4 bowls of curry, taking over the Naan to the table. Ayele sat patiently as I went to the room, waking up the baby. He cooed and cried softly until I changed his nappy. I heard a door open and shut, keys being sat in the 2 hook from the left. Shoes placed on the side of the platform, the coat being set on the hanger.

Alhaitham was home.

"Baba, dinner is ready!" Ayele could be heard from the hall, I placed a new nappy on the toddler. 

"Where's daddy and your brother?" He asked.

"Daddy's changing his nappy, Eytan was crying" He chirped, I stared at the baby under me, picking him up.

Eytan was my father's name, I started tearing up, of course I named him that.

Eytan had my nose, my lips, and my eyes, but his eyebrows were thicker than mine. His cheekbones were a little higher, just like my father's. My heart broke a little more as I held him so close, Alhaitham coming in the room.

"I'm sorry I was off so late, bunny" He pouted, pulling me into a soft kiss. "Thank you for taking care of dinner and the kids" He smiled, kissing my cheek.

"You're welcome" I giggled against his lips, "You look so pouty without me" I kissed him more. 

"Bah!" Eytan shouted, jealous of the attention.

"Don't you worry Eytan-" Alhaitham kissed his cheeks a bunch, "Baba loves you as much as he loves your daddy" He grabbed the 2 year old up into his arms. 

Alhaitham walked the toddler to his high chair, setting him into it. He walked over to the bowls putting the kid's in front of them first, then getting ours. He sat in the chair next to mine, his hand reached across and grabbed my fingers. His eyes met mine and I could see how in love with me he actually was. I teared up instantly, I was on the verge of happy crying. 

"What's wrong?" Alhaitham mouthed, the toddler sloppily eating in the background.

"Nothing, I'm just so happy-" I mumbled, "This is all I've ever wanted" I choked off some tears, holding his hand tightly. I didn't want him to go anywhere, I wanted him to stay.

"I'm glad, bunny but please eat, today must have been exhausting" He kissed my knuckles, I pulled back my hand and grabbed some naan, picking up the bread pieces. 

I felt myself swoon over him, the way he took care of Eytan and Ayele as they ate made my hormones go crazy. The way he took care of me also was so caring and thoughtful. Alhaitham in real life was never this appreciating, or attentive. He didn't wash the dishes after I made him food, he never left kisses on my neck that made me shiver. He never held my waist gently as he passed me. 

That's how I know this was a dream .

Alhaitham was in love with me, that was the dream. He cared about how I felt and how much I needed his care. He even bathed and put the kids to bed after a 10 hour shift, just so I could relax and enjoy myself. I felt so rude for even mentioning that I was some house husband, Alhaitham was my equal. 

He wasn't as self-centered as the Alhaitham I knew. I felt content as I read my romance novel with cucumbers and aloe slime on my face, my hair held back in a ponytail. I hadn't changed yet, but I needed to soon. I needed a shower as well, but I'd let Alhaitham get to it first. In fact, just as I thought that, I heard the shower go on; my eyes still scanning the book as my face got uncomfortably sticky. 

I sighed out, heading to the bathroom, I washed my face gently, the mirror fogging up. I looked at the shower curtain, his figure visible from where I stood. I couldn't help but stare, watching him wash himself head to toe. Respect for your mate was sexy, which Alhaitham had already pulled through. But what was sexier was watching him through the shower curtains like some pervert.

"A picture would last longer, love" He chuckled, the echo of the shower amplifying his voice.

"You've worked so hard today, darling, you deserve a little break~" I teased in tone. 

"What kind of break?" He poked his head out, his hair slathered in shampoo, revealing his forehead. 

"I dunno…" I sat against the sink counter, crossing my legs to be sexy, "I could do some things for you" I smiled.

He smirked, "You have to be quiet for the kids" He tilted his head over, mentioning.

"Not if my mouth is wrapped around your cock I don’t" I said bluntly. 

His face and ears bloomed red, "I suppose not-" 

"I know you like the idea of your wife sucking you off after a long day at work, just as you deserve" I pulled my shoulder sleeve down.

"I do" He bit his lip, "Let me finish up in here" He smiled, giving me a kiss before leaving into the water. I walked out of the bathroom, going to my vanity, I brushed my hair down. My hair flowing with each stroke as I combed through, I don't know how old I was; but I still was as pretty as my mother. A few fine lines here and there, the wrinkles around my eyes were far more prominent. I pulled off my earrings, undoing my pants as I got up. 

I looked around in my drawers, a bunch of socks peered right out at me. I needed pajamas, or something a little more fit for the mood. I passed my underwear drawer, and then, the drawer was baby proofed, a small lock on it. I knew one place I held keys and that was my great-grandmother's jewelry box, it had my diary key in it, my locker key, and my key to mehrak's power board. 

I sighed and went over to my vanity again, of course there's a key to the jewelry box; it was under the vanity. I grabbed it out, unlocked it and grabbed the obvious key to the drawer. I breathed in as I clicked the lock. Red lace and black stood out to my eyes, along with my toys I've had for years. I pulled up a beautiful red and black babydoll piece; the see-through frills on the side perfectly complimenting my figure. I looked back at the mirror, undoing my shirt and putting it in the hamper. There were large marks on my stomach, stretch marks from top to bottom. I put the lingerie on, I don't know why he had found me so sexy. I had a slight muffin top from hanging skin, and it was littered with tiger stripes. 

I held my sides, looking at myself in slight disgust. After two kids, your body really takes a toll on itself. Of course, Alhaitham looked as gorgeous as ever, a six pack and all. Where did I stand next to that?

Am I really doubting myself in a dream?

I heard the bathroom door click, as I rushed to cover myself up. He shouldn't have to see all this, struggling with the blanket to cover my lower half. I popped my hip up under the blanket, the lingerie on the top half could be seen. "Hey darling~"

"Hello my love~" He whispered gently, a towel hugging his hips. 

"Want to take that off?" I flirted, darting my eyes to his towel, a small bitten lip. I watched as he removed it, my mouth slightly salvating at the scene. He walked over to the edge of the bed, I crawled over to his dick. Licking a drop of water on this torso, I dragged my tongue to his happy trail. "Fuck baby, you're this hard for me?" I whispered.

"How could I not be with what my sexy wife is wearing?" He pulled my hair back, grabbing the hair tie on my wrist, swiftly putting it in a neat ponytail. I made eye contact with him as he carefully ran his fingers under the ponytail rubbing the back of my head.

"Do you really think I'm sexy?" I wrapped my fingers around the base, licking the tip teasingly.

"Fuck… yes-" He gulped, teeth clenching on his bottom lip. My lips hollowed over the head, continuing to moan on top of him. I bobbed my chin a little to create some friction. "Yes, baby-" He gripped my hair in-between his fingers, wafting through the blonde locks. He pulled me down to deep throat it.

There was something sexy about being used to blowjob someone. That someone being my husband as well. The way his cock dragged up my throat and down again was getting me so wet. The way I could feel him getting harder and harder by the second, my hole clenching to nothing. I wanted him to cum down my throat and then fuck me silly on our bed. The way my cunt craved for that attention inside of it. 

"Ooh, just like that bunny-" He gripped my hair harder, I loved the pull of it. My hips jolting against the bed as I continued, fuck it was hot how tight my throat was around him. How he forcefully used my head and my mouth. I loved my hair being yanked each time he pulled back. My hands rested on his hips, grey hairs feeling so smooth under my touch. "F-Fuck-" He went harder, my jaw and throat aching. Even though it hurt, I still liked the pain. I also loved the feeling of his trimmed hair against my nose, the slight musk it had that got me hornier. Licking the tip and sucking right back down to his pelvic bone, it was fucking hot. 

I shot my eyes to his face, his eyes gently closed and his mouth agape. I could hear the bed creak under me, signaling how rough he was being with me. Fuck I was leaking onto the bed, trying to cover my stomach in the process. "Hah-" He looked into my eyes, "Bunny, I'm gonna cum…" His pace sped up as I allowed more room in my throat. 

I hummed softly against his length, creating a slight vibration on his shaft. I could feel his cock twitch down my throat, his cum filling my mouth and hole as I swallowed. Pulling off slowly, I licked up the rest off his shaft. I looked up at his teal eyes again, his hands gently grabbed my hair; pulling me up for a kiss, the blanket falling down.

He kissed me down on the bed, roughly grabbing my hips and waist. I could feel his soft hands glide down my thighs, roughly pushing them apart. I grabbed another blanket, trying to cover my stomach again. My hands struggling to grip it as his nails crawled down in between. I softly moaned as he touched down there, my lips pressed against his as he lifted to bite at my neck.

"Not so rough-" I complained, I didn't want it that way. 

"You want it slow tonight?" His eyes stared into mine. 

"Please, I want you to make love to me-" I begged, his fingers circling around my clit. I pulled him down for another kiss, his other hand pulling off the blanket. "Wait-"

"Hmm?" He questioned.

"I don't want my stomach out, I don't like it-" I admitted, a soft whimper escaping as he changed the rhythm.

"I love it" He whispered in my ear, "Shows me how much I've made love to you successfully" He smiled, "And how hard you've worked to have our children" He sighed, and his fingers worked magic on my folds.

"Haith, I-" I covered my mouth as I moaned out, "Fuck-" I whispered, his mouth kissed down my collarbone, down my breastplate and to my stomach. He lifted up, hand in-between my folds teasing at my hole and the other holding my waist. "It doesn't look good-" I choked on another sound, his fingers inside me.

"Nonsense, you look beautiful, darling… You've gained weight in all the right places in my opinion" He massaged my hip bone, as his other fingers reached deep inside. "You're gorgeous, I can't wait to fill you up again-" He smirked, "Have you all swollen and horny-" 

"Haith-" I said under my fingers, trying to keep quiet as he split me open. "Fuck, I might be again-" I hummed, my hips rolling to his touch. 

"Again what?" He looked at me in question, his fingers pausing.

"Don't stop!" I moaned in frustration, moving my hips against his hooked fingers for friction. He started moving them again, still looking at me for an answer, "A lady at the market said I- hah mmh- seemed expecting-" I covered my mouth again. 

His eyes lit up, smiling softly, "You think you might be pregnant?" He asked, his fingers working harder.

"Yes, Haith- Fuck!" My hands shot up to cover my mouth again, " Fuuah-" I mumbled under my fingers, my eyes rolling back.

"Kaveh, that's amazing, you're amazing-" He kissed my knees, down my thighs, he paused. "I fucked you so good last heat the tea didn't work-" He kissed my stomach, down to my clit.

" Mmmh!" I screamed under my fingers, god, he was so fucking good at that. There's one thing I love about my heats, how fucking lucid these dreams are. Fuck it's almost like I can feel it all, the way his tongue rubs on that spot and it feels like velvet on my folds. The way he grips my thighs, and buries his face down there. 

This was a good dream, I almost didn't want to wake up .

"Haith, please…" I begged, I wanted him inside me, I wanted to feel how good he felt. "Haith, hah fuck-" I bit on the blanket, moaning out, I was gonna cum. "Haith? Are you up?" I asked, running my fingers through his thick locks, "Haith, please-" 

He didn't answer, he just kept eating out my wet cunt like nothing else mattered. " Mhhm, fuck!" I screamed through the blanket, my body convulsed against his face, my back arching. I moaned out of the blanket, my thighs shaking, hopefully the kids won't wake up. It was Alhaitham's fault anyways. 

My body slowly retracted, my chest heaving up and down. I sat up, pulling him by his hair up to kissing me. Please don't let this dream end, I'm begging. The way his lips felt so addicting, so sensual, feathering between mine perfectly. His fingers still inside me as I gasped against his tongue. His other hand raked up my back, up to my hair, pulling out the ponytail. My locks falling down, his kisses breathy and fragile. He was so vulnerable as I pulled off and stared back. I pulled him in again, diving my tongue down his, searching for a passion. His fingers slowed inside me, my body begging for his touch. Our tongues became messy and unplanned; I hummed against his smirk, his fingers fucking me to the rocking of my hips. I pulled out of that make out session, my chest heaving, I bent over to his ear, " Fuck me Alhaitham, make love to me-" I whispered.

He breathed against my neck, giving a few kisses there. His fingers slowly pulled out, his tip rubbing against my hole, his fingers gathering slick from my folds onto his cock. "Fuck, baby" He gripped my hips, kissing me slowly as his shaft dragged against my walls so deep. All the way until he sat comfortably against my thighs. Everything felt so complete with him inside of me, soft gasps escaped our makeout session. 

" Haith, please move-" I begged against his lips, pulling him down against my chest. I wrapped my legs around his hips, locking him with me. " I love you" I whispered in his ear, my hands caressing his back, staring into his eyes. My lashes blinked slowly, his hips lifted, moving slowly into me.

"I love you too" He says in my ear, my soft gasps quieted by the touch of his lips. My back arches against him as his rhythm meets mine. My nails dig in his back, our tongues messy again as the bed creaks softly. For once, I feel like I'm flying, I can feel his soul. The calm slaps with our sounds of gasps compliment the sounds of the bed. I let go of the kiss, my eyes fluttering to each thrust; those teal irises calculating how to fuck me. Alhaitham's eyes are so pretty, though I'd never admit it. Especially when he's gone in lust, and love. I know this dream is only copying my memories. But God, does it feel real, almost as if he's actually here. 

"You're beautiful, Kaveh, gorgeous" He whispers in my ear, "I can't wait until you're full with our child, you're so sexy like that" He compliments, his hips thrusting faster. "I love you, so much-" He says in my ear, "I missed you, I missed us-" 

It's a dream, don't wake up .

"I love you too-" I moan out matching his hips, the wet slaps echoing in the bedroom. "Fuck, Haith-" I hummed.

Don't wake up.

"Kaveh, Baby Fuck-" He sighs out, his hips brutally slamming into my gspot. My soft gasps becoming little screams, his groans matching mine. My hair a mess, my nails digging against his back, leaving marks. 

"Haith- Fuck, I love you, I'm-" I gasped out, chasing my orgasm, holding him so close. I didn't want him to go, please. I want him forever, I don't want to wake up.

"Kaveh darling, yes, cum for me baby-" He moaned in my ear, "I love you, fuck I love you -" He slammed his hips inside me a few more times. My screams escaping against the pillows, his hands tracing my sides as my insides filled with him. I felt like I touched heaven for a minute, my breaths escaping my chest in a hurry, his arms scooping me up against him.

I love you.

"Alhaitham?" I looked up in his eyes, my brows curving in worry.

"What's wrong love?" He mumbled in question.

"I don't want to wake up, please" I begged, tearing up.

"You're gonna have to love… This isn't real" He caressed my face.

No, no-

"But Eytan, and Ayele… they felt so real" I sobbed, holding him so close.

"You have to fix it" He looked at me, "You have to fix us, Kaveh…" He pet my sides.

"I don't know how-"

"Kaveh, wake up"

No

"Kaveh!"

No, please, no-

"Uncle Kaveh-" 

No!

Chapter Text

"Kaveh, please wake up-" Collei shook me awake. 

Tears fell from my eyes as I jolted up, "I-" My chest heaved in panic, "I didn't-" I sighed.

"Are you okay Kaveh, was is it a nightmare?" She tilted her head, a plate of eggs and fish sat on the nightstand.

"Something like that…" I mumbled, that burning feeling back in my groin, painful and annoying. 

"I brought you breakfast-"

"Is Tighnari okay?!" I asked in panic, holding her shoulders.

She jolted against me, "He's fine, just in after heat-" She breathed out.

"He wasn't far enough along?" I sighed out.

"No, maybe a month at the most… He's fine" She smiled, "I assure you, he's doing well" 

"Good, that's good-" I looked around, thinking, I needed my heat bag, it had my water bottles, lube and other required items. "Collei… is he well enough to pick up my heat… uh, items?". 

"I don't think so, he's in a lot of pain, he's currently knitting with a heat pad… you know he knits when he's stressed" She sighed away, looking out the window. 

"Crap, and Cyno is on duty…" I knitted my mouth into a line.

"I can get them, you said it was in a bag right?" She looked at me, her eyes curving in worry. 

"Yes, Alhaitham should know where it is, if you could get it-" I sighed out in realization, my dildos were not in the bag like they should be, I wasn't expecting this. "Tell him some of my stuff is in the drawer in my right nightstand" I pouted.

"Sure, will you be okay Kaveh?" She asked.

"Yes, last night was a little fluke, forced heats make you extremely emotional, on top of my disorder created a pretty nasty disaster…" I chuckled, "Luckily I scared the fetus out of Tighnari" I joked. 

Collei laughed, "He said this morning how lucky he was that the stress was a natural baby repellent" She snorted with a few giggles. 

"He's great at staying positive" I smiled, taking the breakfast, "Did you make this?" I asked.

"Yes, I tried my best, my legs were acting up though, burned my toast, other than that it went well…" She commented. 

"Did you take your medicine?" I worried.

"Yes, it helped a lot, I'm alright to make the trip to Alhaitham's" She reassured me.

"Good, good" I took a bite of the fish and the eggs, "It's great Collei, thank you" 

"I'm glad" She grinned, her eyes darting in calculation, "You and Tighnari would benefit from mutual scenting during this time right?" She asked.

I choked on the orange juice, "Uh… no" I chuckled, "I mean yes, but no… me and Tighnari are mated…" I scoffed, "I mean Tighnari is… so it's weird" I looked away.

Collei blushed from embarrassment, "I'm so confused! Sorry!" She looked away, "I just got used to stuff like this, my classmates that are Omegas they scent eachother in after heat… so I assumed all best friends do that" 

"Its normal at your age… but it becomes a healthy bonding moment with your partner… after you get mated, there's kinda no reason to participate in that any longer" I explained, "And don't worry abut saying embarrassing things, Collei… You're young, you have to learn this stuff eventually" I reassured, "But you should be asking these questions to Tighnari"

"Its weird, I feel way more comfortable with someone who isn't my dad" She pouted, "And I think you're like a cool uncle that I can have that bond with-" She looked down.

"I'm glad you trust me to ask those questions, and I agree, when I was going through it the first time…" I mumbled, "Asking my mother was embarrassing" I giggled, "I was more comfortable with Alhaitham's grandmother to tell you secretly" 

"His grandma?!" She gasped.

"Oh, don't let him fool you, she was a mischievous old lady… she lived… that's for sure!" I scoffed. 

She looked at the side of my nape, "How does it feel?" She pointed to her neck, "Being claimed?" Her head tilted.

I chomped more on the roasted fish, thinking, "It feels like… being slapped really hard, you knock out… but at the same time it feels like you're complete" I said between smacks, "Your whole body feels white, echoing" I mumbled. 

"How come you never rejected the mark fully?" She asked, "And who…"

"Alhaitham, it's his…" I looked away, "I don't know why I can't reject it… I guess, my mind screams that I'm not in love but my body is a traitor to my thoughts-" I sighed out.

"Do you think it's because you actually do love him? I can see that he loves you still" She smiled, "The way he looks at you, it's like Baba…"

"He doesn't look at me that way, Collei" I sighed.

"He does when you're not looking" She pouted, "Do you love him?" She asked again.

I teared up, my lips wavering, "We're not good together, Collei… we're bound to disaster" 

"But, do you love him?" She pushed.

"Yes" I felt tears well up, "Yes I do, I love him so much… it's selfish" I chuckled, looking at the ground. 

"I don't understand if you love eachother why not try again?" She looked at me, "People can change a lot in 4 years" 

"Because, we hurt eachother a lot, Collei and even though we love eachother… we know it's better as friends" I felt like I was trying to convince myself. 

"I think you should try again" Collei's brows curved up, "But, at the end of it, that's my opinion… you can take it, or leave it" She said genuinely, "Try to listen to what your heart wants" She grinned, getting up from sitting on the bed. 

"I will" I looked at my half empty plate, "Hey Collei-"

"Hmm?" She looked from the doorway.

I paused, "Don't forget to tell Alhaitham about the right nightstand" I reminded her. 

"I won't, have a good heat" She slightly bowed, "Try to bear through"

"I will, see you in an hour" I kept eating.

"Bye!" She closed the door.

I was left alone with my thoughts again, my brain fully comprehending what just happened. I needed coffee, but I didn't have any on hand, which sucked. Everything sucked so much it made me want to cry. I didn't want to wake up, I didn't want to face this reality. I felt the warmth on my eyelids, down to my cheeks and the hollow ache of my throat became burning. The liquid that felt up my eyelids, burdening there, demanding to fall.

Don't cry, don't cry

It's alright, you can just fix it right? Fix the mess you created like you always do? I can change, I have changed since I was 22. I can prove I've changed for the better, I got out of debt. I've paid him back, I'm not useless I'm better than that. We can make it work again right? We'll learn better how to manage each other. Shit I was sobbing again, I can't keep going in a circle like this, crying and not crying. I'm pathetic really, sobbing about a dream that was so good its devastating that it wasn't real. I love him, that's the part that aches, the part that isn't loved back. The part that, just as he said, hopes we get back together. 

But it's not reality .

We were too late, that's the truth; too late to exist next to each other with love. Now we just stand and it feels like an awkward stranger that's your not-so-best friend. But one you want to kiss. One you know would hold you and touch you with love and affection. But you both choose what's best for each other's lives. Like a divorced couple that still love another platonically. 

And I hated it.

I wanted it back, those eyes.

Those eyes that cared for me, the ones in my dream. I longed for him to just look at me with tenderness. To love me more than anything, the eyes I saw 5 years ago almost. Before the bad fighting, before words that hurt too much. When he held me and it my head was so quiet, so content. Please just bring that back to me.

Archons, if you're listening, please.

I miss Alhaitham, I miss him so much.

-

1 week later

I headed back to Alhaitham's when my after heat arrived. A stuck-on practical diaper attached to my underwear, I was bleeding everywhere. Worse than normal, at least the heat subsided enough for my dick not to pulsate any longer. My favorite part was getting out the blood stains from Tighnari's perfectly white guest sheets. My back ached, my ovaries as well, and that burning feeling up my back truly met the cherry to the cake. I loved lugging back my heat-needs bag over my shoulder all the way next to the Academia. 

At least now I could work on commissions as long as I had my heating pad on. It'd be tasking but I was behind a week for this little endeavor. I needed to catch up, think about where I left off from the last blueprint. Everything was a mess from a week ago, I know I left it that way as I was just going to take a little break. Y'know? Celebrate with Tighnari and then work on it with a hangover the next morning. I sighed away as I unlocked the door, it was quiet, the house cleaner than it was before. I stepped into my room, expecting the catastrophe I had left it, but the bed sheets were clean, and the bed was made. No clothes on the floor either, Alhaitham must have tidied up. Which I'll have to thank him for. 

He must have thought it was a pigsty, so he forced himself to clean the bedroom. Great, another lecture of how I'm a terrible roommate was cooking for the evening. I collapsed on the bed, breathing in and out in exhaustion, I could cook dinner again. A simple thanks to the room being better, my brain slowly met the right nightstand. I remembered how he must have had to touch my toys, which made my lip tremble in embarrassment. So many things I had to thank him for. I sat up staring at my belongings, unzipping the bag. I put away some things where they belonged, like my pads, my clothes ect. I had finally remembered what I was missing in that bag, my eyes blowing wide as I scrambled. 

I bent over the bed, opened the nightstand, they were gone. The shirts, his shirts were gone! He saw the shirts I stashed away and took them. I went over to his room, looking at his hamper, it was empty, of course! There was a pile of my clothes neatly folded on my vanity, he had done the laundry. I went in his closet, the three shirts I had stolen were on hangers. I was in deep shit, I stole those shirts for a reason, hid them on purpose. What excuse would I make up?

I was pacing in his room, I couldn't say I just borrowed them! He had noticed they were missing 4 months ago! He's not stupid, he knows why I had them! He knows I'm scenting his stuff during my heats, and they were stashed with the toys. Maybe he'll not bring it up, maybe he'll avoid the conversation?

That was a pipe dream away from his smug attitude!

He knows! Ugh, I sat on his bed, thinking. There was nothing I could come up with on why I had them, they were loosing his scent anyways. I bit at my nails a little, the black and teal room and open closet made me loose it. Well, there's no use in lying, he either never brings it up hopefully, or I tell the truth. Either way I'm so fucking embarrassed, getting up and closing the closet. 

I went over to the study room, which was left a mess. I looked over the blueprints again, I'd work on this until 3, and then I'd start on dinner for sure. I still had to thank him somehow, maybe I'd make his favorite food. Which was just a fancy pizza with his safe foods on top. Alhaitham told me a long time ago it was something his grandmother made him. He hates soups and stews, too mushy in texture, but he loved the taste and meat of the cultural dish, Sabzi. So his grandmother created that dish so Alhaitham could fully enjoy it. 

Alhaitham has always had a problem with foods, textures and tastes. He's also had a problem with loud noises, thunder, fireworks, explosions. He doesn't like certain fabrics, and cannot stand sheep wool. He also hates socializing, prefers to be alone, do his work and minimize people in his circle. He often doesn't try to make new friends, or let people in. In a way, Alhaitham is mysterious without being questionable. He's no mystery to me though, I know everything about him. I know he hates soup because his fine motor skills have proved too many times he's messy. He's ruined books that way which he hates. His sides are ticklish, though, he'd never tell anyone. He flaps his hands when he's excited and alone but will never do it in public. 

He cries alone, and has mental breaks that leave him hitting himself to stimulate them away. I used to hold him through those days, keeps his hands away from his head and hum softly in his ear. The Alhaitham I know is kind, and thoughtful, he cares more for others than he leads on. I know he does things like cleaning my room to be thoughtful about my after heat. He tends for me in his own ways. The same way that I cook dinner for him.

As I worked on the blueprint, I came across some problems with the support beams of the new house. Some calculations I couldn't quite grasp, as I tried over and over to see if the archway could support itself. As much as I loved architecture, Math wasn't my biggest strong suit. Alhaitham would have to help with this problem. He often helped me a lot with the blueprints of the buildings. Just like opposites of course Alhaitham was good at geometric angled fractions, along with any number of data or facts. Which left me to work on other blueprints, I powered up Mehrak in the process.

Putting on my warm toned glasses, I spun through the livingroom's design, along with the staircase that conjoined the upstairs. The client had wanted a large open spaced livingroom to enter the house in. The design was particular with the staircase, as the client wanted hand-carved railings. Particularly expensive, but what do you expect for nobleman? They wanted what they wanted after all, and the paycheck was hefty with it. 

"Mehrak, set a timer for 3pm" I ordered, his face chiming to signal the request. I sighed looking at the time, it was already 2 o' clock, but I needed to be deep into this to get it done. 

The hour passed quicker than I expected .

I even had pushed passed 30 minutes to keep the flow of everything, which beat me in the ass. Alhaitham always came home at 4, and I was rushing to pull out the beef to dethaw, preparing the crust to the pizza. My brain conflicted for a second as my hands kneaded the dough. I remembered for a second the nice dream I had, scrambling to get dinner done in it. There was no stool, no little boy tasting my food, I felt so empty for a second. But I continued to press against the breading, preparing the sauce on the side. I wiped my face a little before touching the steak, it was far from being thawed out. Which meant I had to go wait it out, throwing the top over the sauce, I turned off the stove. Exiting the kitchen, I could work on my commission for the time being, get my head off of-

"Oh!" I stopped in my tracks, my eyes blowing wide at Alhaitham staring from the dining room table. 

"I see you've welcomed yourself back" He uncrossed his legs. 

"Its almost like I pay rent to live here or something" I snarked back. 

"Hmh!" He smirked, smug as always, "I guess you get to say that now" His eyebrow lifted up in a tempt to piss me off.

"Yes, in fact I do… so now you can stop expecting me to clean this place up!" I dusted off my apron. 

"Last time I checked, I cleaned last before you showed up" He bent over the table, notioning his hand to the livingroom. 

I put my hands on my hips, "And-" I knitted my mouth together, sighing out, "I thank you for that, it was nice of you" I admitted, "In fact I was making dinner to thank you" I mumbled away.

Alhaitham crossed his arms slightly, looking me up and down, I bit at the skin on my lip, "You're welcome, and I appreciate your effort into making my favorite meal" A comment without sarcasm, he was being genuine. 

I turned away, for a moment, my hair still up from prepping dinner. I took off my apron, hooking it up on the coat rings. Could I embarrass myself any more? I had close calls for the 6 months I had lived here. But to deliberately forget? Forget about hiding the half bitten mark on my neck? Was I that stupid? What if he just didn't notice? 

I grabbed my ponytail, yanking it down quickly, a slight panic setting into my chest. I didn't want to look at his face, like a deer caught in headlights. "I-" I slowly turned around to him, his face displeased. It wasn't just a normal display of anger, he was pissed, "Listen, I can explain-"

"Explain what?" He cut me off, "You sleeping around with whomever?" He scoffed, his eyes burned with resentment, "How long have you hid that huh?" He threw his hand up.

I knitted my brows together, "Whomever?!" I snapped, "Do you think I just whore myself around the city?! I haven't slept with anyone in over a year!" I yelled away. 

"Yeah, actually… explains the half-mark" He rolled his eyes, "Why are you even here if you have that?" He looked away, "Where is he? If you're marked" Alhaitham was releasing extremely hateful hormones, it was suffocating.

I teared up, my body reacting to the room, "You know, Alhaitham… I was trying to be nice, do something for you because of your kindness…" I let tears fall, "You want to know who needs to take responsibility?" I paused,  "Who I'm whoring myself out to?!" I screamed, "Its yours, you ignorant fucking cuck!" I threw the apron on the ground. 

His eyes widened with realization, as I darted away, down to my room. I slammed the door behind me, my emotions all over the place. I hate him, I hate him so much! More tears escaped my stupid eyelids. Maybe I overreacted, maybe I was all over the place. But I didn't deserve for him to treat me that way, even if it wasn't his. I suddenly remembered why I couldn't take him anymore, why we were horrible for each other. How Alhaitham wouldn't apologize for his actions-

"Kaveh?" A soft knock came from the door, "I didn't mean-" He sighed, "Please open the door, Kaveh-" He begged.

"Why should I?" I snapped, tears still falling.

"I overstepped, I want to apologize" He said from the door, my tears stopped. Apologize? Was he really going to do that? I stood up and paused at the lock, "Please, Kaveh…" He sighed away in a melancholy tone. I switched the lock slowly, opening it. He looked so sad, almost as upset as I was, but there was a soft embarrassment that attached to that.

"Don't ever talk to me like that again, or I will leave" I set a boundary, "I won't be called a whore like that again" Anger burned from my eyes like firecrackers setting off in war. 

"I realized what I said after, I didn't mean to agree with what you had said, I was saying Yeah, actually to continue my sentence-" He explained, "But I need to take responsibility for how I've hurt you, and I apologize for that." He said softly.

"That's a first" I rolled my eyes. 

"Kaveh… could you not?" He pressed his lips together, "I'm trying to apologize, I don't need backhanded commentary" He looked me in my eyes. 

"Okay" I said, then bit my lip, actually no, "You know what, Alhaitham, no" I chuckled darkly, "I won't, what you just did was really fucking shitty… you should feel bad, you deserve the passive-agressiveness that I give after that" My eyes meeting his, "I don't know what sparked anger out there, but last time I fucking checked, we are no longer together… it doesn't matter who or where, or why I sleep around" I argued, "Even if I fucking did it'd be none of you business" 

His shoulders fell, his brain thinking, I could tell in his eyes, "I was angry because…" He trailed off, his eyes flicked back that slight stare igniting a certain feeling. 

Oh it was hilarious.

Quite fucking funny.

"You're jealous" I finished the sentence, "You were envious of whomever put it there" I chuckled.

"No" He lied.

"Alhaitham, I've known you since you were 12, you don't think I don’t know how to read your face?" I argued.

He rolled his eyes, crossed his arms, "Regardless, your reaction has validity… I don't think you're a whore, I completely was a dick and out of my range of controlling my emotions, I apologize" He looked at me, "And you're correct, I shouldn't upset myself who you sleep with, we are just roommates after all, nothing else" He agreed with me, his face becoming softer by the responsibility he took. 

"I accept your apology" I said, biting my lip again, I watched Alhaitham turn around, "That night…" I said.

"Hmm?" He turned.

"That night I got my heat, I'm sorry too… you didn't cause it, I was panicking and wanted to blame someone" I apologized.

"It's no problem" He waved his hand off, continuing.

"Alhaitham?" I walked a few steps.

"Yes?" He questioned, I grabbed his hand for a moment, my own hands sweaty and clammy from the anxiety. 

"Do you really still love me?" I asked, "What you said…"

"Why do you still have our mark?" He averted the question with another one. "More importantly, why did you hide it?"

"Answer my question" I demanded, "I asked first and you avoided it"

"Yes, now my question, I meant what I said that night, every word" He looked me up and down again.

"I didn't want things to be awkward between us, that's why I hid it" I let go of his hand slightly, "I tried to get rid of it, but it hasn't exactly worked out for me… it's also caused a lot of problems in previous relationships of mine, so it's more of a burden than anything" I rolled my eyes.

"If you didn't want things to be awkward you shouldn't have stolen my stuff from my laundry hamper" He stated, my face blooming in embarrassment by the second. 

"I-" I couldn't even think of what to come up with. Why did I do those things? Why did I take them?

"Don't even think of a lie to come up with, I found them with your heat aids" He argued.

I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I did what I know I could only do in that moment, "Well maybe if you didn't mark me I wouldn't have this issue or need during my heats as it is!" I snapped at him. 

"You asked me to do that!" He argued back, "We both agreed to it!" 

"Yeah, well now I'm stuck with it and the only thing that makes-" I paused, my face heating up, "The only thing that makes my-" I trailed off, looking away, oh God.

I'm admitting it.

Shove cotton down my throat please.

"Hmm?" He raised a brow, arms crossed, "Only thing that what?" He questioned.

"Only thing that makes it better is thinking about us" I squeezed my eyes closed, my body completely tense, I hated admitting that. 

His eyes scanned me, my heartbeat soaring through my chest, what was he going to say? Was he disgusted? Did he hate me? "Don't take my shirts again, use your imagination or something" He walked off. 

That's, not what I expected, "Why did you ask?" I argued. 

"Curious, and curiosity kills the cat" He deadpanned, "Truly, it is none of my business who you jack off to during heats, but I just love to embarrass you… it's entertaining" He smirked. 

"Entertaining?" My eyebrow furrowed, "You think my agony is entertaining? How embarrassed I was to find them missing?" I was red. 

"Yes, in fact I do-"

"Don't act all smug I bet you do the same! You think about me huh?" I crossed my arms in achievement.

He said nothing and stood there, his thick eyebrows furrowed in anger, "What proof do you carry to make such claims about my ruts?" He scoffed with a chuckle. 

"You're in love with me, that's my proof!" I pointed at him with a smile attached to my face. 

"That's not proof" He crossed his arms.

Two can play at this game, I walked over slowly, a slight seductive pop in my hips. I ran my hands down his arm, got close and personal to his ear, "I got my proof right here, daddy~" I whispered.

His ears bloomed completely red, I giggled super loud. My laugh escaping down the hall, as I clinged to the wall not to fall. "Its not funny" He glared at me.

"Oh, I think it's hilarious!" I chuckled, "First you embarrass yourself by getting jealous of your own mark, and then you try to make me embarrassed by bringing up those shirts-" 

"Shut up" He pinned me against the wall, "None of this matters, who we think about, I don't know what game you're playing-" He got off, "But I don't appreciate my feelings being thrown in my face" He was upset. 

"I don't appreciate being lied to" I crossed my arms, "Especially now" 

"Kaveh, do I have to explain to you in blunt terms" He scoffed, "I lie so that I save us hardship, I lie about having feelings for you because I have to convince myself it's for our own good-" He looked me up and down, "I don't want to trust you and be hurt and abandoned like that again… I think about what it would be like to love you again…" He scoffed, "And then I think about you screaming how I'm a fucking asshole and a dick, self-centered and use my disability as an excuse to hurt you" He explained, "And suddenly I love you a little less in the moment" 

I tensed up, my body feeling the weight of his words, "That was 4 years ago, Alhaitham… I've changed from then" I teared up, "I've never loved you any less from when we were together to tell you the truth" I started crying, "In fact, I've just selfishly wanted us together again, I know I've hurt you…" I looked away, "I know I said messed up shit, that I didn't mean-"

"Save your sorries, we're never getting back together" He cut me off, "As far as I'm concerned, you made your choice 4 years ago"

That hurt

"Alright" I shut up, "I guess the conversation is over, I apologize for bringing it up" I sniffed, going back to the kitchen to continue making the dish. "And I won't steal your shirts again" I promised, putting the apron on. No more hoping after this, no more asking for it to change. 

I needed to find a place to stay, to get out of here. Alhaitham was generous enough to give me a place to stay. It had been 6 months, and yes, I suppose I hoped for us to get back together. But that hope was over, we were over. 

As I prepped the meat, I tossed the dough up, this would be the last time we do something nice for each other. And even though I was hiding my sobs, Alhaitham went back to his bedroom. It was better this way, we've hurt each other too much. 

Alhaitham was right.

Chapter Text

5 days later

I don't usually drink, in fact, it was unusual of me to do so. Being the Acting Grand Sage you cannot really turn down a meeting; you can't escape socializing, talking to others, and greeting new families. That's why I hated the job so much, it was too tasking on my own mental health. So here I was, sitting with the three Sages at the Tavern discussing what should be done about the Academia. New sages, old ones, and limitless talking about new scholars.

Why was I put on this job? I was the youngest scholar enrolled in the Academia until recently, I've been here since I was 7. I've known the ins, the outs and the way things are ran. Well, should be ran in recent terms, the school is a mess, to say the least. I don't know why exactly I was trusted to put it back together, but everyone was expecting me to. Being a Grand Sage comes with grave expectations, expectations that I cannot meet. 

"Alhaitham, let loose, you're always so uptight during these meetings!" Shatir claimed.

"I am just uptight due to the circumstances of the Academy" I mentioned, "There's a lot of eyes on Sumeru after the fall of our Archon" I looked at the food in front of me.

"This is why I don't understand the Archon's pick for the Great Sage" Moustafa argued, I slightly smirked in my head, I have no idea either, Moustafa.

"We all know why you weren't chosen, you would forget your head if it wasn't attached!" Naphis argued, "You are far too old"

"The more years the wiser!" He chuckled, ale down his throat, the other two sages pinching their temples. I sighed away, we needed to actually discuss more about positions to fill. 

"Despite arguments, I'm currently the Grand Sage, we must discuss matters before getting too inebriated to do so-" I stared at Moustafa. 

"I agree, we cannot let the scholars down without any sages to guide them" Naphis said, "As it is I agree with the choice of the new Archon, Alhaitham is plenty capable of fulfilling the position of Grand Sage, in fact we're much more on business with his presence" Naphis eyed Moustafa with intent. 

The old man grumbled, "I may remind everyone that my position is only temporary… I will return to being Scribe as soon as the opportunity arises" I reassured.

"Let it arise then!" Moustafa commented, chuckling between sips.

"Can you shut up?" Shatir rolled his eyes, "You are not getting promoted, you've been given your position at the lack of your awareness to the Fatui amongst the Sages as it is!" He argued. 

Moustafa quieted, "Yes, it is negligence that has led us to this position-" Naphis argued, "Let Alhaitham speak on the matters of the Academy, you were not considered for Grand Sage" He huffed, "As it is you're lucky you were let out of prison!" 

"Let's all calm down" I gestured my hands lower, "Moustafa was brought back on the account that for many years he's served the Darshan Rtawahist respectably and efficiently… it was my decision after all to promote him to this position" I stated, "We must choose new Sages for each of the schools, that is why we are here"

"It was supposed to be a fun meeting that we all get drunk after" Shatir sighed out.

"It can still be if you cease your arguing-" I eyed them down.

"Alhaitham is right, let's discuss business" Naphis sighed away.

"I will be discussing the schools needing Sages today, Spantamad, Haravatat, and Kshahrewar-" I listed off, "First we will discuss Spantamad, as it is one of the most seeked scholarships of the Academy" I looked through my papers.

"Gafoor is the obvious answer" Naphis sighed, "He's intelligent, and wise, middle-aged but has served teaching the scholars well" He put his point forward.

"Hosseini also is a great choice" Moustafa said, slurring, "He's been researching quite a while, very wise and intelligent-" He chuckled, "He would be my decision"

"Unfortunately I cannot enlist seeking graduates to be Sages-" I argued, "Although I agree he is a great choice, he only has one year left to graduate, it would be more efficient to set him as replacement for Gafoor" I eyed the papers, "For the current moment, he can have dual positions…" I wrote down the information on my paper, "Any objections to the decision?" The silence filled the room as I asked. 

"Good-" I looked at the papers, scanning over the rest, "As for Haravatat, I have 3 possible choices I've looked over, Amandeep who has been teaching on his own accord, separate from the Academia-" I paused, "Viraf is also a well-known professor…" I mentioned, "And Faruzan… she's well versed in studies, and is extremely knowledgeable in historical aspects, if it weren't for her exceeding passions against Kshahrewar, I'd apoint her there" I stopped, the three Sages thinking through for a moment. 

"I think Viraf is a very good suit, he's done us justice amongst the Academy" Naphis said first.

"Amandeep is also incredibly talented in his knowledge" Moustafa argued, "This is the school of knowledge if I'm correct?" He sarcastically asked.

"Yes, it is-" 

"Then I think it's settled, he should be the next Sage" Moustafa cut me off. 

"As someone who graduated from Haravatat, I disagree" I said, "Amandeep may be very talented, but he's also been awaiting return, he also doesn't have the status or the looks to represent the Academia" I made a fair point.

"He is quite unkempt…" Shatir sighed, "Not a good look for one of the more harder schools to get into" He held his chin in thought, "I'd have to agree with Naphis, Viraf seems the best choice-"

"What about Faruzan? None of you have considered the third option" I stated. "She's far more than capable, and she also holds a historical viewpoint in her decisions, she's vell versed in 3 subjects" I brought up.

Moustafa laughed a little, the others beaming with an uncomfortable silence. What had been so wrong about bringing her up, Faruzan looked to me the best out of the three. She was smart and capable. 

"What could possibly be so funny about giving her the option?" I asked Moustafa. 

"She's an Omega, and a woman at that too-" Moustafa smirked, "You know Alphas… they just-" He giggled, "I mean it goes without saying, we're just natural born leaders, having an Omegan Sage, it would look unstable to the most stable school out of the bunch" He tipped his glass to me.

"It shows we give equal opportunity" I argued, "Faruzan is not unstable, she's practical and calculated" I narrowed my brows, "Just because she's Omegan doesn't change that she's a wonderful fit" I explained.

"Your generation is naive, Omegas belong in the home, taking care of children, we all know that-" Moustafa slurred.

"Is that why your wife left you?" I raised a brow up, the other two sages' mouths blew wide, "My generation may be naive, annoying, reckless as you put it, but the Academia has always been about equal opportunity-" I eyed him, "It's no wonder you've been demoted if that's the attitude you hold towards our leaders of the Darshan" I frowned, circling the option of Faruzan.

"You! You respect your elders!" He scoffed, "As an Alpha I thought you would agree with us-" 

"Well? Are you both opposed to Faruzan being Sage?" I looked at them. 

"No, not exactly, as it was Tighnari was asked to be oppointed as my position before my innocence was proven" Naphis shrugged.

"Oh, the forest watcher?" Shatir asked, "I heard he's exemplary in his studies"

"He is my apprentice, a very prized pupil of mine" Naphis nodded, "I would not be disappointed if he had taken my place, in fact I would prefere it when I'm retired" He eyed Moustafa, "And he's an Omega" He finished. 

"So both of you disagree with me-" Moustafa crossed his arms.

"No, I think I agree with Alhaitham, we've never had an Omegan Sage ever-" Shatir sighed, "Its a bad look on the Academy" 

"Then I suppose the option has been settled on Faruzan 3 to 1…" I side eyed Moustafa, "Unfortunate to the previous Grand Sage, the worst that can happen is Faruzan gets demoted, which, personally I highly doubt" I smirked. 

Moustafa mumbled to himself, as I flipped through the papers, stopping at Kshahrewar, "There is much to be done about the school of technology, it's underfunded, topped with debt, and has tuition scammers plaguing its scholars" I stated, "It's been neglected quite a lot"

"As of now, we only are focusing on the Sage correct?" Naphis asked.

"Yes, I'm just listing things so you may keep in mind for the next few months" I looked back at the paperwork. "As for the Sage options, there aren't many due to the circumstances of the school at the moment-" I licked my fingers and ran through the pages.

"Let me guess, you're going to appoint that headache of an Architect" Moustafa scoffed, "The one you keep in the sheets-"

"Excuse me?" I eyed Moustafa, he was clearly drunk at this point, "In fact it wasn't even a thought that had crossed my mind" I narrowed my eyes, a slight chuckle, "I was going to say, Moseis was the best option-"

"Faranak's son? It's ironic that I was going to agree for a second until I got on that it was a joke" Shatir commented.

"Kaveh is actually quite brilliant, he's good with kids, and his technique is flawless, that palace is just magnificent-" Naphis commented. 

"He's not a good fit" I deadpanned, "He's incredibly unstable and constantly changing his mind-" I argued.

"His instability is only temporary by sacrifice for Sumeru, he truly cares about the scholars as well" Shatir mentioned, "Being an Architect at the same time also has been something pervious Sages have strived to be-"

"Truly, I think I'll have to disagree with you, Alhaitham, having Faranak or her son would be the best options for the school to receive funding-" 

"Why exactly is that important that it's Kaveh?" I questioned.

"He's famous, to put it flatly, noblemen all over are requesting their business buildings, houses, and offices to be built by him personally" Naphis finished.

I already knew the answer of why Faranak could not be appointed, she refused to move back to Sumeru. It's the very reason she left when Kaveh was 18, Sumeru reminded her of her dead husband. So the option was out, completely irrelevant to bring up.

"I say yes" Moustafa smirked, "Just because Alhaitham said no " He chuckled. 

"I vote yes as well, it would bring good money to Kshahrewar, the school would be refunded" Nephis adhusted his coat, "I also have heard from Tighnari of his worry on the scholars as well, Kaveh truly cares"

He cares too much

"I also vote yes" Shatir agreed.

"3 to 1 Alhaitham, looks like you lost this one" Moustafa chuckled. 

I took out my pen and wrote down his name and circled it, "I'll see if he agrees to being appointed" I commented, "I guess that concludes the meeting, which means there is nothing else to be discussed unless someone is seeking the topic to be commented on" I looked around, everyone nodded along.

"Truly that concludes the meeting then, let's drink!" Moustafa called upon the waiter to bring a round of ale. 

"Please enjoy your time, I must get home and start working on Scribe duties" I lifted up, grabbing the paperwork with me. 

"Alhaitham, come on-" Shatir smiled, "You can drink one night, I've never seen you let loose one time" He grabbed my coat to stop me. 

"Please, stay with us, truly have a little fun-" Naphis handed me a drink, "Surely the Scribe duties can wait for a little while?" He smiled. 

I suppose they can

The last time I drank was 2 years ago, and it got out of hand then. But it was a while ago, things couldn't possibly be worse than that night at Cyno's right? I had admitted a bunch of stuff drunk, personal stuff. Things I never open up about, it was fine with a bunch of friends. But I can't drink a lot here, not in public. I'll say and do things not socially acceptable.

I took the ale, sitting back down, one drink would be fine. "Woo!" Shatir cheered out, "Alhaitham's gonna drink with us" He smiled, sipping out of his.

One drink became many.

It was early tavern time when I had started, and by the time I took a break, 5 drinks in; it was 10 o' clock passed my bedtime. Which was fine, everything was fine. In fact, Moustafa had left on a bad knee, his legs acting up. Payback for the bullshit he spat, he was too old and a drunk anyways.

2 years had only passed because of my lack of socialization, if I had a need to go out I would. But I don't, I don't need to go out. But here I was, watching Shatir and Naphis sing and dance it out. The door opening flooding the usuals of the tavern. I recognized a few older scholars walk in and then Nilou in a party dress pushed through the crowd. 

Followed by, you guessed it, Kaveh. I sighed out audibly against the chair, getting up and walking to the back corner to avoid confrontation. I stumbled, but eventually got over to the corner. I watched from a distance, his face had slight red makeup to match with his flowy button-up. His hair pinned more up than usual, the first two buttons open to show his collarbones and chest. He had those tight black leather pants from our college days, matched with some heeled flats. The pants no longer fit appropriately, they hugged his thighs too much, revealing everything. Not that I cared, if he wanted to get circulation problems be my guest. 

I called off the waiter for more to drink, this time I wanted hard liquor before I went home. Truly I would like to forget everything that came with that conversation almost a week ago. I didn't want to remember how Kaveh's face broke into a million pieces. I did the right thing, I saved us both. I made sure he could move on, he could get the life he's always wanted. 

"Here, all the way from Snezhnaya… the finest vodka" The waitress set it in front on me. 

"Thanks" I started drinking, and fast, on top of the weak ass ales. I started to feel everything immediately, the world a little fuzzy. That's when time became really unmanageable. A few scholars walking over to me, how long had I been here? My clock said 11. 

"Grand Sage Alhaitham, what are you doing at the Tavern, I never thought of you to drink" The kid laughed, the others giggling.

"Came here with-" I stared around, the two were gone. "With the Sages" I finished, "Shouldn't you be studying? Finals are approaching-" I slurred. 

"I already studied, came here to have a little fun" He joked, "Same as you" He mumbled, "Say, your eyes keep wandering… you staring at something important?" 

"Yeah, trying to find the Darshan leaders-" I mumbled, putting my head down on the table.

"Don't you live with Kaveh? The architect?" He sat next to me, my chest becoming heavy, head swirling. "We've all been wondering how he pays rent" He giggled, the girl next to him hitting him and mouthing stop. 

"Money?" I looked up from the table, "I don't understand the quesstion~" I giggled.

The scholar laughed a little, "You're fucking plastered!" He smiled, "I've never seen the Grand Sage here except to pick up Senior Kaveh-" He looked back at his friends. 

"Yeah, I'm pretty drunk" I grabbed the bottle and poured another shot, "Sooo… drunk-" I took it, straight faced.

"Holy shit- ya' know maybe Grand Sage is cooler than we thought" He smiled, "Mind if I have one with you?" He asked, I poured him a shot in an ale cup.

"Lets do it together yeah?" I mumbled, another one down the hatch with him. Shit, I really could not think anymore.

"Hey Grand Sage, mind if I call you by your name? Don't wanna be rude…" He asked.

"Sure" I shrugged, "But not at the Academy-" I mumbled off.

"So Alhaitham, my bro, my man, one on one-" He patted my back, I was too drunk to care that someone was touching me, "Any lucky ladies in your life?" He smirked.

"Jazari no!" The girl whined, looking away. 

"No, no ladies" I mumbled, my lips on the bottle again.

"Cool, Angela here has the biggest crush on you, would love to go on a date-" He giggled, Angela hiding away in embarrassment, "Don't worry she's 20, not bad of an age gap-"

"I'm not into women" I deadpanned, "I'm gay" I cut him off from replying.

"Oh, so what's your type then huh, my bro?" He asked.

"Bratty, annoying, bossy…" I trailed off, staring at the red button up shirt across the way.

"Blonde?" He chuckled, I nodded, my lips puffy from sipping on the bottle.

"Pretty…" I added, "Nice legs-"

"Senior Kaveh! There's a certain someone who wants to talk to you!" One of the guys yelled over. "He says you have a nice ass!" 

"Don't-" I mumbled away, I saw Kaveh stumble over, his eyes on his flats trying to focus on walking. He strolled over slightly, a drink in his hand as he tumbled over a few times. 

His smile lit up the room as he walked up, "Someone said I had a nice ass?" He giggled, stumbling against the wall. 

"Yeah, him-" He pointed at me.

He looked over, "Haith?" He tilted his head, "Is that you?" He stumbled to sit down across from me.

"Yeaaah-" I sipped more, "Its me" I smiled to him.

"You said I had a nice ass?" He covered his mouth with a small grin. 

"Nice legs-" I cut off, "These motherfuckers are drunk, they didn't say it-" I trailed off, crap I just called some scholars, motherfuckers. 

"Nice legs? I think you recognize these pants huh?" He was drunk as well, "From our college days? They were your favorite~" Kaveh was giddy when he was drunk.

"Favorite? Senior Kaveh Where you two together?" Angela asked, all the kids sitting around the table. 

"Don't answ-"

"Yeah, we were" He said, "Now we're just friends though, exes but friends~" He smiled at them, his dimples cuter than ever. 

"Do you sleep with him to pay rent?" One of the disrespectful little shits asked.

"I-" Kaveh grew red with anger and embarrassment, "No, I pay money, this guy doesn't want to sleep with me!" He pointed at me, "I want to sleep with him, hic but he doesn't want that!" He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Who said that?" I slurred, "Who said I didn't want to sleep with you-"

"Yourself, Haith-"

"I've never said that~" I groaned, "Word for word" 

"Haith, you've implied that-" 

"You're cute when you call me Haith" I interrupted, "And your ass is nice in those pants-" I commented, looking at his shoulder that was now exposed. 

He giggled a little bit, "I like you better when you're drunk, hic it's too bad I won't remember it, I've had 7 shots!" He put up his fingers, showing six.

"That's six-"

"Shit-" He mumbled, "Seven!" He fixed.

"I've had… 5 ales and a half bottle of vodka-" I looked at the bottle. The scholars giggling to eachother, "Guys, you've been great, wonderful even-" I slurred, handing the young adults the rest of the bottle, "Share that, and get out of my vicinity " I warned.

"Yes sir! Oh Grand Sage-" They took the bottle and went over to another area. I scooted on the booth, next to Kaveh.

"That's a lot of alcohol Alhaitham" He giggled, his lips soft with a semi-fresh coat of chapstick. 

"Your lips are so pretty-" I mumbled, my hand on his, locking our fingers together. 

"Haith, you're close-" He mumbled, I could smell the wine and rum on his tongue, it was hypnotizing to say the least. I leaned in slowly, our lips barely touching, god I was so drunk, I couldn't think. "Haith-" He breathed against me, his hand placed on my chest.

"Kaveh-" I breathed before grabbing his face in, my kiss rough and hungry. I pulled his hips up, placing him on my lap as he made out with me. Suddenly the world didn't matter anymore, my reputation of a Grand Sage out the window for the moment. Kaveh's hips grinded down on me, my cock reacting to the friction fast. 

"Fuck, Haith-" He moaned against my mouth, giggling, "You're as big as I remember-" He whispered in my ear, my hands drunkenly grabbing his ass through those leather pants.

I ran my fingers down his stomach, lightly rubbing his slit in front, an indent clearly forming as I thumbed it. "Kaveh-" I moaned against his chest, circling his clit through the leather.

"Haith… mhn!" He whined against my touch, covering his mouth. 

"Good, stay quiet like that~" I grabbed my coat, stumbling to put it around us. I pulled his pants a little down, no underwear was under the pants, I chuckled darkly, "We're you expecting to have easy access tonight?" I whispered in question, rubbing his hip-dips.

"They don't fit with underwear-" He argued, "Haith please don't tease me-" He whined out, grabbing my hand, he placed my thumb over his clit, "Please-" He moved his hips.

"You're so horny-" I ran my thumb up and down, the tavern mainly busy away from the corner we were at. He was so wet under my fingers, "You're so wet, Kave-"

He kissed me again, grinding against my thumb, my dick getting harder and harder by the second. "Mmh!" He moaned in my mouth, my thumb flicking faster against him. His tongue was practically down my throat, almost like he was begging to be kissed closer. His hips shuttering against my palm, "I'm close-" He whispered, pulling off my face with a pop. 

"Already?" I asked, working even faster. 

"Yes, I'm still on-" He moaned, covering his mouth, "I'm still on my heat-" He whispered, "I'm gonna cum, Haith please-" He begged in my ear, I worked my fingers faster, pulling him close. 

"Cum for me-" I sighed out, his hips twitched a little, slick pouring out onto my lap, as he covered his mouth, a soft scream held away. 

"Sorry-" He looked down, mumbling as he pulled up his pants, "I'm still, bleeding- hic only a little though-" He pouted, he breathed heavy against me.

"ts' fine-" I mentioned, "As long as you feel good-" I stumbled as he went back to grinding his hips against my boner.

"Haith, let's go home~" He moaned, slurring his words, " hic please, I want you inside-" He begged.

Was this okay? I really couldn't think about it right now, I wanted him around me. 

I helped him up a little, his legs a little shaky from the orgasm, plus the alcohol making him stumble. I was stumbling too, grabbing the papers on the table. Nilou came over for a moment, finally finding Kaveh, she told him she was going home. Confident in me bringing him home, Kaveh and I left the tavern. Giggling and walking all the way to our house while tripping everywhere on the way there. As soon as we got to the door, Kaveh pulled me in for another kiss, his lips swollen and laced with liquor. My hands fumbling with my keys, unlocking it, his hands pulling me in by my neck. I moaned gently against his mouth, locking the door behind us. 

"Haith-" He moaned, biting his lip, pulling off his pants and flats, hurried and passionate.

"Fuck-" I looked at his thighs and ass out, maybe it was the alcohol but his body was sexier than 4 years ago. He grabbed my jawline, bringing me into another kiss, biting my bottom lip as his tongue explored my mouth. My hands gravitated to his ass, massaging there, they always cupped nicely. 

I guided him back to my room, our breath hot and heavy. Tripping with the door, I closed it, Kaveh becoming impatient as he pulled down my pants, pulling out my cock. "You're so hard, it's swollen-" He rubbed the tip down to the knot, I gulped slowly. 

"Kav-" I breathed on my own words, his hips placing over mine. He rubbed his wet cunt on my cock, the folds wet and inviting. Oh fuck, the way he dragged his pussy and clit up and down it. It felt so fucking good, my lips planting another kiss, as I lifted his leg on my waist. Grabbing hold of my tip I rubbed it against his entrance, slick running down his thighs. 

"Put it in, Alhaitham-" He looked at me, "Fuck me please hic" He begged, rolling his hips.

"Are you sur-" I mumbled, he lowered his hips down onto it, "F-fuck-" I moaned in his skin, it was so warm and hot. His pussy squeezing on me just right, I lifted his waist against the door. My mind couldn't stop as I kept thrusting. Kaveh screaming on my dick against the wood, his hips rolling with mine as I held him by his ass.

"Oh fuck, right there!" He moaned, grabbing my neck, " Fuuck, Haith- Mmh!" His hips slapped against mine, the room echoing my grunts and his breathy moans.

"Your cunt feels so tighht~" I slurred against his skin, kissing his neck, resisting to bite. "You're so fucking wet-" Squelching sounds and smacks coming from between us.

"Your dick feels so good inside me~" He licked my lips before kissing again. I gripped under him, moving my hands under his thighs, walking over to the bed. I set him down slowly, a small whine escaping his lips in protest.

He's so beautiful.

"Get back inside Haith-" He mumbled, spreading his legs to me, my brain didn't work again as I went in-between his thighs. I wanted to taste him so bad, I didn't even care there was an issue. "No~" Kaveh pushed my head back, "I'm bleeding~" He giggled, "It's gross, Haith… eat me another tymee-" He slurred.

"Jusst-" I stumbled a little, on my knees in front of the bed, I looked at his cunt, wet and dripping with slick on the comforter. There was only a little bit of blood left, so-

It's fine- 

Said my head, licking a stripe up to his dick, sucking on the bud with no remorse. He tasted just as good as I had remembered, the slick still had a slight aphrodisiac effect to it. Kaveh was still technically in heat, just the end of it. "Fuck, you're so wet~" I mumbled into his folds. 

"Alhaithammm~ mmh!" His hands grabbed at my hair, my tongue lapping at the juices, softly slurping it up here and there as needed. 

"Fuck, you taste so good baby~" I moaned out, I could barely focus on anything that was happening. God I was so drunk, the world swirling as I tongued his clit.

"Haith, stop-" He begged, I kept going, "I don't want-" He moaned out, his thighs closing in on me, " Fuuck-" He groaned out, his back arching and my hair getting pulled harder. "Haitham! Oh, I'm cumming- I'm cumm~" He screamed out, his legs shaking a little while his toes curled. 

I pulled off for a second, he yanked my hair up, "Ow!" I grumbled.

"I told you no!" He huffed, his pout even cuter when he was drunk. "And you still ate mee~ outt-" He slurred, "I wanted you to fuck me!" He insisted.

"You still came though~" I bit my lip, his face blushing in anger, as he pulled me for a kiss. 

"Fuck me please? Like you were earlier hic" He pleaded with his eyes, "I know you want this nice hot cunt around your- hic thick cock~" He teased, pulling my hips with his legs.

"Kaveh-" I tried to think, but my dick felt so good against his folds. I truly couldn't bring a logical thought out, why was this a bad idea? Nothing was bad about this, the way everything felt, it felt so right. 

"Put it in, please!" He grew impatient, his hand traveling between us to line me up. "Ohhh, yes, like that-" He moaned again, pulling me in with his legs, starting a soft pace.

"Your slutty hole was just waiting for thiss, huh ?" I mumbled in his ear, sharply going deeper.

"Mmnh! Yes, Haith… fuck my slutty hole-" He whispered against my thrusts. His fingers delicately running through the sides of my hair before he pulled me down for another makeout session. 

"Fuck your cunt is good" I breathed out, soft whimpers escaping Kaveh with every wet slap.

"Faster, Haith, I want you inside-" He mentioned to my knot swelling and painful. "I want us together" He cupped my face gently.

I quickened my hips, my pelvic slamming against his ass. The bed creaking back and forth, my groans matching with Kaveh's soft screams. His nails raking at my back, the feeling delicious in itself. I missed how his nails felt against me, his breath in my ear. I missed his scent mixed with mine. Most of all I missed the faces he would make during sex, the fucked out, utterly in love face crossed with lust. He was making it right now, hips bouncing with my movements.

Fuck he was hot.

"Oh Haith, please fuck!" He screamed, giving me some kisses between moans, I could feel him getting tighter. I moaned from the friction, the world spinning, everything was spinning.

Fuck I'm gonna cum-

I slammed myself into him over and over, flicking his dick at the same time. His walls tighting around me, my vision burning white as I rocked in one last time. "Kaveh!-" I held myself up, slightly stumbling, as I thumbed his clit, my breaths shallow and heavy. My knot was secured as cum filled him up. 

"Ohh- Fuuuck-" He groaned loudly, his hole rocking against the knot drunkenly. "Haith, you're so good-" He paused, biting his lip and throwing his head back against the pillows, "So good inside me-" He pulled me down for a soft kiss, my fingers working harder against his puffed nub.

"Cum for me, fuck-" I moaned in his ear, "You look so beautiful like this-" I admitted, "Filled up with my cum-" I bit on his neck lightly.

"Your knot feels so good, it almost feels real hic-" He giggled, his walls fluttering around my knot, I kissed him hard. I was too drunk to care about anything, care about what he had said. I just wanted him to cum so he could be satisfied and we get to sleep. 

I rocked my hips a little, being careful with the knot just enough to stimulate his g-spot. His breathy moans quickening against my ear, pulling me as close to him as I could. "Mmm Haith-" He mumbled, his walls tighting again, "I'm gonna cum if you keep doing that-" He ran his fingers through my nape, coming close, he whispered, "Mark me again, please Haitham…"

"Give me your neck-" I sighed out, my fingers still on his clit, he kissed me a little before turning his head. I licked his throat over to his nape, placing soft kisses over his scent glad. The previous mark under my lips. 

I shouldn't do this, this is wrong. 

I placed my teeth right above the scent gland, he'll be too drunk to notice anyways; scent gland or neck. I bit down softly, Kaveh moaning out as my teeth sank down. "Oh, I'm cumming- Alhaitham-" He sighed out, his hips shuttering against the knot. A soft scream escaping his lips, hips rolling a few last times. My fingers ceased against his clit, his legs trembling against me as I guided him to the side.

I have to be wasted, because how did I just do that?

"Haitham?" Kaveh looked at me, "Please don't let me hic- wake up" He held me close. "Please" 

"I'm right here, Kaveh, I'm not going anywhere" I said, my head once again spinning. 

Was I passing out? My eyes felt so heavy, so droopy.

"I love you, Alhaitham" He nuzzled in my shoulder, "I always have- even if it's a good dream" He smiled, content in my arms.

I stared at my knot going down, his hole leaking out my cum. The slick mixed with it, I opened my eyes in realization, I had to pretend this never happened. For things not to be awkward, oh, but I was too drunk to think! Which doesn't make sense because all I do is think!

I stared at Kaveh comfortably asleep in my arms, his eyelashes coated with a light coat of mascara. It had smudged on his face from everything that night. Oh, I was so fucking stupid, how could I be so fucking dumb? I looked at us still connected down there. A flicker of thought exploding my mind.

Oh fuck, shit, I had to sneak Kaveh drinking that tea. That tea was so fucking nasty, you could tell what it was. 

I was in deep shit, such deep fucking shit.

You're stupid Alhaitham, so fucking stupid.

But I was tired, and too tired to have anxiety, my eyes drooping, cuddling Kaveh closer. My brain completely shutting off, soft little sparks floating in my eyelids as I drifted. My sleep was as comfortable as it came, I've always had extreme insomnia ever since I was a kid. So to have a good sleep was very rare, in fact almost impossible. I was a light sleeper too, any small noise or sound always woke me up. Another thing about my sleep is that I always wake up at 7am, no matter what. It was a routine my body was used to, personal alarm if you will.

I woke up to the extreme nausea, a huge migraine hitting my head as I lifted myself up from the bed. I headed to the bathroom connected to my bedroom, putting on boxers before going to wash my face. I stared at myself in the mirror, the soft blue glow of morning coming in. I looked like a wreck, my hair a mess, my thighs covered in dry slick. My eyes were slightly bloodshot, as I opened the cabinet to pull out medicine. I walked out of the bathroom, staring at Kaveh sleeping naked on my bed. I blinked slowly, processing the events of last night. 

How could I be so selfish?

I asked myself, I took advantage of the situation, putting Kaveh in it. I took the covers of the bed and lightly tucked him in. Should I tell him? Should I let it be a good dream so he can move on? This couldn't be something I just convince him doesn't mean anything. I can't manipulate people as it is, I'm bad at it. But I can lie, I can put him in his bed, dress him, clean him up and pretend like nothing happened. 

Is that bad?

Chapter Text

It's better for him, and if he does remember, I'll just be honest. He needs to move on, he can't continue on, clinging to a fake reality. Clinging to us like it's going to change. He needs to get married, fall in love, have the kids he's always dreamed of…

And I'm not in that equation.

I felt my lips quiver, that thought had always messed me up. As much as I wanted to be selfish, I couldn't. I can't tell him the truth of this night, I cannot ruin his happiness. Not again anyways, I can't do it again. I got up, got coffee, took medicine, and woke up.

I had work today anyways, 9 am on the dot. So I got to everything as quickly as possible, why on earth did I drink on a Thursday again? I pinched my temples, grabbing a wet cloth, I went over to his side, his eyelashes still glued closed.

I pulled off the blanket, unlike me, Kaveh was a heavy sleeper. One too many times I've had to put ice cubes on his face to wake him up during our college days. In fact, when we would sleep together drunk then, I'd clean him up just like this the morning after. Dragging the wet cloth on his thighs and ass, scooping out whatever was left inside him. He wasn't bleeding any longer, which relived another small problem. I went to his room to grab makeup wipes, heading back to wipe all of the mascara and kohl off his face. 

I had to be careful, his face was the thing that woke him up. I took lots of tender care to it, making sure all of the makeup was taken away. When I got to his neck, his eyes fluttered open, looking over at me. 

"Haith- am-?" He mumbled, "When?" He looked around, I hid the cloth. "Holy shit, am I in your room?-" He held his head.

"Shh, I was just getting the makeup off your face and dressing you-" I explained, he nodded sleepily, his eyes closing again. I bit my lip in anxiety, he had gone back to sleep. I breathed out, undoing his hair and braiding it to the side. I went back to his bedroom, grabbing some comfy sleep bottoms and underwear. I walked back to his side, sliding the underwear under his hips, and snug around his waist. Doing the same with his bottoms, Kaveh was back to normal. Like nothing had happened the night before. 

I picked him up, carrying his sleeping head to his bedroom. Softly putting the covers over him, I sighed. Remembering last night made me feel a lot of regret, not just because I was a hypocrite, but because I started it. I kissed Kaveh first, I touched him first, we fucked and its my fault. 

I've never been good with feelings.

I've always thought logically, even though I want to kiss him, I don't. It's because we've tried before and failed, we loved each other, it didn't work out. I regret taking in Kaveh as it is, but he was homeless and I love him far too much to watch him suffer. I love him so much I know it's only best I let him go. It's only best we stay friends.

It's only best if I'm not in his life, not that way anyways. I went to my usual routine of getting ready for work, my mind still plaguing thoughts. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and because of everything with Kaveh, I didn't read for an hour. Something that's in my hour and a half routine before going to the Academia. 

In reality, I was only good in his life as a friend, hopefully he won't remember anything. Hopefully Kaveh settles down with a wonderful man that will take care of him. He'll get out of this house and forget me forever. I hope someone as enchanting as that comes for him. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to watch him walk down the aisle with the man that could give him everything. 

I've accepted long ago I'm not fit for the man in Kaveh's life.

My lips quivered again, I couldn't cry, I wasn't going to cry. The shower beating down on my face, if I was crying, I couldn't tell. I loved him so much it hurt, it physically hurt to let him go. But, I needed to, logically it was what needed to happen. Shit, I can't sob before work, when I get pent up with emotions, the rest of the day doesn't go well. I can't think and all I want to do is cry, bang my head, and isolate in my room for hours until it's over. 

I always thought of my grandma's words during times like this. When I wanted to just go back to my bed and cry everything out and scream silently. 

"Just breathe Alhaitham, let all of the hits go through your breaths" 

"Feel the world around you, and then… your head with be as clear as a dewdrop, my sprout" 

My hands trembled against the wall, as I breathed. My head slowly becoming numb as the air filled and unfilled my lungs, I did the right thing. I know that, but it hurts, it hurts so bad, but I'll manage. 

I always have managed.

I stepped out of the shower, putting on my normal uniform for the Academia. Rubbing my face with a towel, I managed to somehow calm down. It was 8:30, time to get a coffee to-go and head off to work. No more thinking about last night, it won't ever happen again. Nor will I let it happen again, no matter what.

It's what's best for us both.

Despite the sacrifices.

-

5 hours later

I woke up ro the feeling of licking on my face, my nose twitching to the feeling. I rolled over to get away from it, my hand swatting away at the source. Soft whining pierced my ears as I jerked awake, Isa on my lap pawing there. I sighed out, rolling my eyes.

"I was having a wonderful dream before you three interrupted!" I lifted my chin up in annoyance. 

Another whine barked from Isa's mouth, her eyes darting back and forth. "Not that you three would understand…" My eyes darted to the other two on the side of my bed. "I suppose you woke me for a reason?" My legs shifting over the edge. 

The three foxes leaded me out to the kitchen, their three bowls empty, eyes looking at me with anticipation. "I know you three have been fed this morning, Alhaitham always feeds you-" I looked at the note on the fridge.

I did not feed the foxes this morning, woke up late because of Sage meeting -Alhaitham 

"I stand my case-" I pulled out three raw eggs and hydrated their food with the yolks. Putting down the bowls for them to eat. I grumbled over to my bathroom; taking a piss briefly before grabbing a tampon. I sighed in happiness at the state of my underwear.

"Four days shorter, whoo!" I cheered, it was quite annoying to deal with blood and stains in your panties. I couldn't wear my normal undies, since briefs couldn't hold onto pads. Boxers were far more comfy to wear, and less tight. One of the foxes curiously coming into the bathroom.

"Yes Aya? Are you coming to celebrate with me?" I said in a baby voice, scratching her head and under her chin. "Ooh yes, that feels good huh?" I babied the fox, standing up and pulling my shorts up. I walked back to the kitchen, pouring myself the rest of Alhaitham's coffee.

I sat down, the livingroom quiet other than the smacking of the 2 foxes. Aya jumping up, and crawling in my lap, her head rested on my thighs. I pet through her soft fur, Isa following behind on my side. It was 1:30pm, a little passed my usual wake up time, I sipped more coffee. It was calming, the house, maybe more than with Alhaitham in it. I bit my lip remembering the dream I had, touching my neck briefly and shivering at the thought of him kissing it. My thighs rubbed against each other, Isa staring at me in annoyance. Freya the last fox did a soft yelp at me, I scoffed.

"Listen, the dream was so good it felt real, and I'm re-feeling it!" I turned up my chin.

"Mehp!" The fox argued.

"I know, it's silly, we're not together…" I sighed out, "I wish we were" I teared up a little, I wished so hard it wasn't a dream. But I know the truth is I passed out in Alhaitham's room again, tore off my leather pants probably due to how tight they were. Then he woke me up, half naked, got me dressed and carried me to my room. I'll have to thank him about it later. 

I was a nuisance drunk, to say the least, I hadn't even remembered coming home. When I was in college it hurt a little less with hangovers. Now I feel it all over my body, the rain puttering outside was at least nice. I was going to promise not to drink again. I can't feel my sorrows with drinks, I have to focus on myself. I needed mental health guidance, guidance I'd have to do myself. I mean, at least the therapy foxes were extremely helpful. 

I pulled Aya into a hug, softly nuzzling her fur and giving her kisses. The hardest part of all of this was moving on, I needed to move on from Alhaitham. I needed to forgive myself for breaking us up, I had already forgiven myself for a harder situation with my father. I absolved myself for causing his death, if only I could forgive myself for burdening my mother. At the end of it, my mental illness was defined when I was young. The way I think of things, the trauma of not having a father. It truly did affect me, my abandonment issues. 

Of course my mother blamed herself after the diagnosis. I don't know what I'd be without the trauma of my father, or the thoughts that decorate my head so boldly. Maybe it was time to visit her, see how Collette is doing these days. My little sister should be 7 now, it's time I payed the family a gifting reunion. I hadn't gotten anything for my mother's birthday the last 2 years, and neither Collette. I informed them my financial situation had been straining recently. Consequently, those matters have deemed me penniless. Well, now I could do whatever I deemed with commissions rolling in.

Maybe it was a good idea.

I played with Aya's paws thinking. I had to have a correct conversation with my mother, my doubts, my worries, my recent problems. She was my mother after all, she had to love me just a little. I contemplated the idea, in order to heal I needed to have this visit. But first, I had to finish this commission I had been working on. I got up, dressed and started actually working for a change.

Alhaitham was right, maybe we were better as friends that were simply roommates. Roommates that love each other deeply but understand that it could never be anything more. I think I was content with that decision, Mehrak trialing the equations he had done. Of course, I chuckled. 

Alhaitham's math was flawless, as usual.

That archway could support itself given the added beams and last a long time. I could finalize the blueprints for the commission to go into building mode. The house was gorgeous to say the least, I had outdone myself with it. Like with every project I have, I push myself to the limits of my capabilities. Finishing the blueprints was the easy part, it meant all I had to do was instruct how to build my design. My hands working fast with my blue pen, each of the grid of works being filled by my outlines. 

The client had already approved of the designs I had drafted to him. All that was left was handing over the final pieces. A very fine paycheck attached to that final handover. In the end it would be all worth it, rent for 5 months. A little on the side to spend on expenditures and new outfits. It had been so long since I've had new clothes. So to get some more would be so amazing. I was looking forward to shopping with Nilou. She was always an honest friend, in short, she'd tell me if I was ugly in something.

I had hardly known how much time had passed until I heard the front door shut loudly. Keys placed on the 2nd from the right last hook, and shoes shuffled off by the door. I had been working for 3 and a half hours, halfway through the blueprints. My nose had been so deep in my line work that I had hardly realized I was hungry. 

I stepped out of my office room, Alhaitham shutting his bedroom door with a slam. Had something gone on at work to make him so upset? I stood in front of his bedroom, my hand stopped before knocking. In the end, it wasn't my business what was going on in his life. I wasn't his boyfriend, or even his friend at this point. Who was I kidding? I put my gripped fist down, going and turning to the kitchen.

I'll just get me some leftover chicken stir fry, making myself a small portion of basmati rice to go with. I boiled the water, started the personal oven, and cooked the rice and stir fry separately. I looked through the bookshelf in the livingroom for the book I was reading previously. I sat down, and flipped through the pages waiting for the rice to cook. Small sobs came from the hallway, I tried to ignore them. Alhaitham needed to get his feelings out, it was always how he dealt with things. He was always alone, always by choice. 

And I needed to stay out of it, we were just roommates. That was the truth of it all, he's made that very clear. I continued my book and sighed out, the timer still ticking. I needed to eat and continue my work. If I was lucky I'd be done with it by tonight, the latest by tomorrow. 

The timer dinged, I got up and served myself the rice. It was always a bad habit of mine to plate for 2, there was far too much to eat. I sighed as I covered back up the food, keeping it warm. I sat down at the dining table and ate, the three foxes under the table begging. I swiftly ignored their intensive whining, eating my plate quickly. I needed to get back to work as soon as possible, but first I needed to send a letter to my mother. I needed to let her know my intent on visiting her home. I got up for a moment, grabbing a pen and paper with an envelope. I put it to the side of my plate, continuing my meal.

"Will you shut up?" I looked at the three stooges, taking another bite. One of the foxes ran down the hall, the door closing softly in the distance. Isa favored Alhaitham's attention, and the feeling was mutual. I heard soft whines with small quivered steps. Alhaitham looked hellbent to say the least, his hair wasn't styled, his face red from crying, and his socks were miss matched. 

"Hey" is all he said, going to the fridge to get water.

"You look like shit, did something happen?" I asked.

"Do you not remember?" He glared at me a little, eyes darting for answers.

Ah, yes, his morning routine was messed by my drunk endeavors, "This morning I do remember… and I thank you" I looked in his eyes for a moment, "I made too much rice and stir fry, help yourself"

"You don't remember last night though?" He asked again.

I chuckled, "Is there more to know other than crashing in your bed half naked?" I ate another spoonful. He looked me up and down, a soft smirk encapsulated his look. "What did I say?" I deadpanned. 

"Nothing much, just the usual drunk crap about your life and debt" He commented, grabbing a bowl and serving himself, he sat down in front of me. 

"So, the usual?" I scoffed, picking at my plate for a moment. "I'm sorry I dysregulated your schedule, probably explains the hair" I pointed to it.

"My schedule was already dysfunctional by drinking last night, I found myself…" He paused, taking a bite, "Overstimulated by today's normal" He stated, "Had to… deal with everything" He looked down. 

"Ah" I replied, "I'm guessing the Sages put you up to drinking-"

"Yes, I didn't get exactly drunk though, that's how I took you home" He bit more into the food.

"Thank you, again…" I smiled a little, at least Alhaitham cared for me in some kind of way. 

"You're welcome, it's no problem" He spooned more into his mouth.

"What were you and the Sages discussing?" I picked at him for an answer. 

"The new choices for the Darshan Sages" He mumbled, "We discussed candidates" He finished.

"Who did you guys choose?" I eyed him.

"Spantamad is going to be Gafoor, he's taught well in the Academia for many years, I entrust he'll do well" He mentioned, "He took the position with a welcome attitude today" 

"He taught me a lot on my elemental skill during our college days, I don't doubt he'll do well-" I sighed in relief. 

"As for Haravatat… Faruzan is thinking about it, as she put it" He pinched his temple, "She said it more than likely was going to be a yes"

"An Omegan Darshan Sage?" I smiled, "Times are really changing for the better for us" My mouth opened to a surprised chuckle, "I know why she has to think about it" I air quoted. 

"Why?" He pondered my thoughts. 

"Well-" I paused, was Alhaitham that dense? "She'll face a lot of scrutiny in that position, not just being an Omega but being a woman on top of that" I looked at him, "She'll be treated horribly by seeking scholars and parents" 

"I did not ponder that" He looked away, "I will make sure she doesn't face any discrimination under my position" He noted. 

"What about Kshahrewar? Who's going to take care of that mess?" I rolled my eyes in thought. 

He stared at me, up and down for a moment. After the obvious silence and stare, I could see that it wasn't his decision but the Sages'. "No…" I chuckled, "You've gotta be joking"

"Well, I wouldn't have stared at you if I was" He sighed, "I was overruled by vote" His stare was intense, so much worry in it.

"You think I can't do it?" I bit my lip, forming a thin line with my lips. "Of course" I paused, "I expected you wouldn't believe in me"

"No… that's not it Kaveh" He deadpanned, "I think you're really unstable right now to even think of a decision" 

"Its not your choice though" I cut him off, "It was the Sages'" 

"Yes, and I think they're wrong, I think you need to get a handle on your life before taking that chance" He stated.

"You know what?" I chuckled, angry, "I'm going to be the Sage of Kshahrewar, whether you like it or not" I said my final decision, "I'm going to work on my mental state, and move out" I threw my spoon in my empty bowl. "You've made it perfectly clear Alhaitham that our relationship hasn't changed since 4 years ago, you truly are a character-" I chuckled, "I'll say that" 

"Its your decision to make regardless of my position in it" He eyed me, "And what exactly do you entail by mentioning our relationship?" He asked. 

"That you're a fucking dick Alhaitham, you're just as self-centered and controlling as you were 4 years ago" I got up to clean my dish.

"I'm the self-centered one? Worrying about how unstable you are?" He turned. 

I looked at him, my blood boiling so hard at the moment. I was going to snap, loose it, "I cannot stand to explain it to you, why you not believing that I could do it is a dick move" 

"No, I believe you're a great fit, but you need to work on yourself first" He noted, "Call my selfish for saying how it is, truly I also have no patience to deal with your mood disorder today" He rolled his eyes. 

"Deal with it?" I scoffed, "Oh like I'm a chore to you? Is that it!" I snapped.

"I'm not arguing right now Kaveh, I said what I said for what it is, stop reading into it" He folded his arms around his chest. 

"You didn't deny I'm a chore to you, so I guess it's true-" I chuckled, "I'm just a mooch, a headache to be around huh?"

"You're not, and that's all I'll say" He went back to eating. 

"I can't do this anymore" I cleaned my dish, tearing up, "I cannot be treated like this anymore" The tears started. 

He stayed silent and ate, ignoring my sniffles as the water ran, "When are you leaving?" He asked.

"Are you eager to not have me here?" I sobbed, "Am I that bad?"

"No, Kaveh, I saw the envelope, and you only write to your mother… are you going to visit her?" He looked at me.

"Yes, I am" I wiped my tears up, composing myself from previously, "I'm gonna discuss everything finally…" 

"I'm glad that you're confronting her neglect and abuse… you deserve that closure" His eyebrows curved in empathy. 

"Yeah, I do-" I mumbled, "I'm sorry for lashing out, I got…"

"Triggered?" He offered, I nodded, "I've been having a bad day with my disability too I can't mask properly, so I'm sorry" He apologized. 

"You needn't apologize for being Autistic" I mumbled.

"Sometimes I know I can hurt you" He looked down, "But I truly do not think negatively of you Kaveh" He assured me, "You are my friend after all, even though we've hurt each other" 

"I'm glad we're still friends Alhaitham, I'm glad for you being in my life, sometimes I forget that" I said genuinely.

"Me too"

There was something bittersweet about the conversation. I didn't want to be friends, but it was better that way, at least we were that. At least we were friends again. In the end, I'll swallow my feelings down into a volt.

I'll make sure no one has the key.

Chapter Text

Three weeks later

"Brother Kaveh!" Colette called, opening the door wide, her big blue eyes filled with joy. She jumped and gave me a huge hug, nuzzling into my stomach, "I've missed you so much!" 

"So have I" I hugged her close to me. Marcel coming to the door, his face set with a nice smile.

"Welcome home, Kaveh" He gave me a soft hug, the awkwardness in the air.

"Glad to be home" I chuckled, grabbing my suitcase as I entered the large house. My mother had married rich after I was 18, becoming pregnant not even a year after her wedding. The entrance was amazing, a beautiful staircase lined with engraved cherry wood. It was Fontaine style, the cherrywood and blue walls, marble flooring. Colette attached to my hip, I remembered the year I lived in this home all too well. 

I was a wreck after my breakup with Alhaitham, I graduated and came back with my mother. Staying in the bedroom she had for me, Collette was 5 at that time. This year she'll be turning 8. She was a darling little girl, spitting image of her father with touches of my mother. The blue eyes being the most notable from her, I had my father's eye color. Nothing was much different between us other than age and eye color. You truly couldn't tell the difference between my mother and I if she was my age.

I went up the stairs and turned into my room, Colette sitting right down on the bed as I laid my suitcase out. I turned back to her, hands on my hips for a moment, thinking. 

"Mother told me you brought presents!" She said excitedly, kicking her feet off the edge of the bed. 

"I did" I smiled, "I bought you and mother big beautiful presents" I undid one of my suitcases, pulling out the presents inside. 

"Can I have mine now?" She asked, looking at them.

"One" I handed a small box to her, I sat on the floor in anticipation.

She opened the box gently, looking inside her smile beamed out, "Its the language books I asked for!" She gave me a huge hug, holding them still. "Merci, Kaveh!" 

"Looks like she enjoys them" Marcel commented, my eyes meeting his, the weirdness clinging to the air.

"Daddy! Look at the books Kaveh brought!" She jumped up and down in her blue dress. 

"I know, they look lovely-" He pet through her brown locks. 

It's always been weird between me and Marcel, one the reasons being my absent father. But another being that he never truly treated me like my mother's son, more like a brother to her. One that causes trouble and becomes a burden on the family every once and a while. A little brother that is the family disappointment, it was truly written all over his face. Not only did he give that look, but he's told me how he feels about me. That I just bring her down to her trauma, and cause her heartache. I should leave him and his family alone. 

There was one last reason as I went down the hall to the bathroom. The biggest reason why we were awkward around each other, I looked at that sink before sitting down. The sink building memories from that year up into my head.

"What are you doing up so late?" Marcel said behind me.

"Going to the bathroom?" I said, finishing washing my hands.

"You know, you're such a fucking mess-" He complained, "Like your mother when I met her-" 

"I don't see how that's relevant" I dried my hands, turning around.

"Where do you think you're going?" He warned, blocking the door, he was drunk.

"Back to bed" I answered, trying to pass him. 

"You know, you're exactly what I imagine Faranak looked like in her youth…" He pushed me gently against the sink.

"We are spitting images of each other-" I said awkwardly, trying to exit the situation.

He pinned me against the sink, "Your eyes are ugly like your daddy" He slurred, lifting up my chin.

"My father was far from ugly, perhaps you're jealous?" I smirked.

"Maybe… but who needs to be jealous when you have a carbon copy to get a chance with" He held my hip.

"Don't-" I grabbed his hand off my hip, "You're my step-father this isn't appropriate" 

"That's right, I am your new daddy-" He chuckled, I turned my head away as he pulled it closer. 

"You're being cruel" I sniffed. 

"Did Alhaitham touch you like this?" He said, palming through my night shorts. "I wonder if yours looks like Fara-" He kissed me. 

"Get off!" I pushed him, his lip bleeding from me biting it. "Don't touch me like that-" I started crying, going past him. 

"Hey…" He slurred, following me to my room, "Do you really not want to?" He grumbled. 

"Yes, you're my mother's husband!" I scoffed, slamming the door.

We never talked about it, I brushed it off as he was drunk. Maybe he thought I was my mother, but truly I was just convincing myself. We've been awkward ever since, even though it was 3 years ago. If my mother knew, she'd just call me a whore anyways. Say I somehow invited him into doing it. With that being said, he definitely didn't think of me as a son. More like something he could play with, feelings or not. I exited out the bathroom and went back into my old room.

"Brother Kaveh!" Colette smiled ear to ear, sitting in Marcel's lap with the book, reading it out. 

"I see you couldn't hold yourself back from the new books" I felt myself grin, sitting next to them.

"Of course, I was so excited" She kicked her feets cutely, "Daddy was just reading it to me, but he's really bad at pronunciation!" She giggled, "He's really got to work on his Sumerian"

"Well, not being born in the land really effects your way of speech, sometimes its hard to break those habits" I noted to Colette.

"Aren't I Sumerian?" She smiled to me.

"About a quarter" I giggled, pinching her cheek, "Mama spoke it around you when you were born" I paused, "So you should be able to pick up on it easy" 

"It is a little hard, speaking Monstat's language is much easier" She flipped through the pages to the translations from Monstat to Fontaine.

"That's because the languages are similar, they come from the same roots-" I pointed out the historical pages. "Sumarian comes from something completely different"

"That's true, but I'm still working hard!" She cupped her hand into a fist, a gleam of courage in her eyes. 

"Did you tell Kaveh you wanted to study at the Academy?" Marcel asked her. 

"Yes, when I'm older I want to apply!" She exclaimed, "I was thinking Haravatat!" 

"Haravatat is the study of knowledge, it's strengths in linguistics-" I cut off, Marcel looking at me with a studied look. 

"I heard it's ran by Alhaitham right now" He had shut me up with a single look. 

"Brother Haith?!" Colette was wide-eyed with excitement. "I haven't seen him since I was 5-" She pouted, "I thought he was the Scribe"

"He's the Grand Sage right now, the youngest one ever appointed to the position" I smiled a little, why did I feel such pride in that?

"So he's running it huh?" Marcel looked at me, "Without a family?" He questioned, "Did he ever find a wife?"

Sumeru was very political about its Academy, that's why the fall of the Sages and the Archon looked so bad on it. Azar was a powerful noble Alpha, with a beautiful wife and family. He looked good for Sumeru, just as the other Grand positions held in Tevat. We looked just as weak as Monstat at the moment, an Acting Grand position being filled. But, only for a temporary moment.

"No, he doesn't seem interested in marrying anyone to be honest" I said embarrassingly. 

"I guess he's noticed how much of a headache you are living in his home?" He snarked.

"Headache? Kaveh isn't a headache to brother Haith-" Colette said, my heart warmed at her words, as I cupped her face gently.

"You're so cute-" I pinched her cheeks, "Me and Alhaitham are friends, I pay my share of the rent, we both live there equally" I stated to Marcel.

He grumbled, "Well if you aren't to be his wife, he needs to find one, he can't be wasting his time with the reputation of Sumeru needing a Grand Sage" 

"That's why he's set on it being temporary" I chuckled awkwardly, Marcel was clearly trying to break me down.

"That's good" He noted, "Better for the sake of Sumeru not to have that young of a Grand position anyways" 

"I think Alhaitham is doing well, despite appearances of his life" I argued.

"He's 24 and unmarried, unmated, with no type of girlfriend, or boyfriend in the picture" He looked at me, "And God knows you and him didn't work out the first time-"

"Ooh, okay… I've just about had enough Marcel" I eyed him, "You're overstepping, I've just come to visit, nothing is going on in my life-" 

"Moving back in with your ex after being homeless seems desperate hmm?" He scoffed.

"You know, get the fuck out of the room, please, I'd love to visit my sister and share great things in my life with her, as it is…" I paused, "You've made it clear we aren't family, so I'd like to visit mine now" I shut him up.

He got up and sighed away, "I apologize-" He started, "I thought you had come with different intentions"

"So you assumed things went south with Alhaitham and I again and I was going to beg to live here again?" I accused, Colette held my side. 

"Yes, precisely" He crossed his arms, "What have you else come for?"

"Closure, I'm here to better my mental health and mend my awkward relationship with my mother" I stated, "I want to work on myself, Marcel, I've been emotionally immature for too long…" 

"I respect that, only took you 8 years from being an adult" He chuckled, "You're choosing to grow up no-"

"That's very backhanded from someone so mature" I rolled my eyes, "Either way, it has nothing to do with you, or Colette… this visit is between me and my mother"

"You're not here for me?" Colette teared, I held her hand tight.

"No, I'm also here to visit Colette, your daddy is just being rude-" I side-eyed him. 

"This'll be a long 2 weeks-" He mumbled, walking out of the room with a heavy foot, shutting the door. 

"You and daddy don't like each other" Colette stated.

"No, we don't" I said to her, "But don't you worry, I put up with it to see my lovely little sister-" I kissed the top of her head.

"Kaveh?" Colette tilted her head.

"Hmm?" I pushed her locks behind her ear.

"When do you think mama will have her baby?" She asked.

The thing about 7 year olds is that they say the most random things. I had no idea my mother was having another child, "Mama is expecting?" I looked in her eyes.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be a big sister, just like you-" She smiled, "She had a lot of trouble having another-" 

"Yeah mama had trouble getting pregnant with me" I told her, "You were a lucky baby" I patted her shoulder. 

"Yeah, I know, but mama has a bump now!" She motioned over her stomach.

"A little one or big one?" I smiled at her childish antics.

"A medium one, it's like…. Halfway" She giggled, she was so excited to be a big sister. It was honestly the cutest thing I've ever seen. 

My smile was pitied by envy though, Colette had the life I should have had. The life that if my father had survived, my mother would have benefited from. She wouldn't have been traumatized, neglected me, and abused me. I'm so happy for Colette that she doesn't know the Faranak I do. The one who spent her days drinking and crying about my father. The one that forgot to feed me, let alone feed herself. 

The one that told me I robbed her youth from her. That I was just a mistake that burdened everything. Even to the point of saying she wished I had never been born. Her husband blames me for being like this, but his own wife created me. Made me believe I'm unworthy of love and affection. The reason I ruined the one good thing in my life. Not taking responsibility from myself, but I wouldn't be this way if it weren't for her. Truly I wish I had the mother Colette does, they're so very happy. Their relationship is complete, candid and special. Colette was all she ever wished for, she told me her and my father tried before he died. But, she kept getting miscarriages, without successfully having a daughter.

I'm the baggage leftover from her previous relationship, the son she never wanted. Sometimes I wonder is she secretly hopes I kill myself. So she can fully move on. 

But I can't listen to that little voice in my head.

I was going to fix things.

-

1 week later

"Kaveh, could you please hand me a tomato?" She turned to me, I looked in the fridge, pulling out the tomatoes.

"Oh, I meant the dried ones, darling" She chuckled, I pulled out the dried tomatoes in a jar. We were preparing a Monstat dish that was a chewy-like pasta. My mother worked far slower than usual, she after all, was 5 months pregnant. 

I had no trouble helping around the place, and aiding my mother to finish some of her designs. Added to that, the cleaning and the basic maintenance around the house. It had been a tough week for her as the doctor visits took up most of her free time. Making things quite difficult to complete for her, given her current status. 

Colette was happily reading a book as we prepared the meal. Marcel was at work, due to be home in a half hour. She happily stirred the pot, one hand on her stomach and the other with the spoon. At 46, it was a miracle she had gotten pregnant in the first place. But she was more glowing than I had seen her last. A soft smile placed on her lips the whole time.

"Mother, please take a break, your feet must be killing you-" I patted her back.

"I am quite content Kaveh, it's just a little pain on my back" She sighed out with a grin. 

I clicked my tongue, "I insist-" I argued, "You're pregnant mother, you need your rest-"

"Oh hush!" She cut me off, "I'm just pregnant, not broken!" Her chuckle echoing the room, "I'm happy being a good wife to my husband" 

"I understand, but-"

"No butts Kaveh, you'll understand when you give me grandkids, its offensive to feel helpless sometimes-" She went back to the pot. 

I rolled my eyes a bit, my mother was quite old in her ways. Never accepting help from Marcel even when he gave it. She always says, its an Omega's duty to run the house. It's also your duty to feed your children and your husband as soon as he arrives home. I can say many times have I caught myself making a meal subconsciously when Alhaitham was supposed to be home. 

But she was pregnant, she needed some kind of rest. Her feet were swollen as well, it had to hurt there too. Alhaitham's grandmother was different when it came to these things. She believed that the husband should take care of the wife through the pregnancy, not the other way around. In fact, she berated the very idea that Alhaitham ever thought of an Omega as weak and submissive. She raised him well, to say the least. 

I was glad to have some kind of feminist in my life, to show me how I should be treated. My mother continued the vicious cycle of that old standard. 

Even now.

"Kaveh, could you get the plates?" She asked, I pulled them out, setting them in front of the pot, "You've been so much help-"

"Its no issue, you're pregnant, so it should be expected of me to help" I stated, grabbing the serving spoon. I especially put more on one of them for my mother, as she was eating for two people. She needed more nutrients for the baby after all. Colette came over and grabbed her plate, my mother sitting down at the table. 

I set the table carefully, my sister and my mother sitting next to eachother. This was the routine previously when I had lived here, we wait 10 minutes for Marcel to come home. I don't know exactly why we sat and waited to eat before he came home, but we did. When my father was alive, my mother and I would just eat as we pleased when it came to dinner. I wonder if it was a religious difference that my mother accustomed to in her new marriage. But I never asked, it was better to stay out of business that wasn't mine.

"Welcome home darling~" My mother chimed at the door opening. Marcel going over to her side to give her a small kiss. 

"Welcome home daddy!" Colette giggled as he kissed her on the forehead. He sat down across the table, everyone starting to eat their plates. 

A certain scowl landed on Marcel's face, my mother freezing up slightly. "Is something wrong darling?" She asked.

"I think I may have the wrong plate-" He stared down at his own, eyeing hers back. "Its pretty small"

"Oh, I can plate you more-" I got up, "I just plated for the baby too" I went to get up.

"Ah, yes, normally I have the largest plate in the household" He stated, "Regardless of someone expecting or not" He told me, I went away from the dining area to the kitchen, gently spooning some more on the dish.

Certain Alphas needed larger portions due to high metabolism, so it was understandable that he request a larger plate. I sighed out as the table got awfully quiet on purpose. That sinking feeling chilled down my back as I overheard the conversation.

"He was just trying to think of the baby" My mother defended, "Its not in any disrespect-"

"Not like you need anymore, you're fat enough already-" He scoffed. 

I couldn't stand that kind of behavior towards my mother. I stomped out of the kitchen, landed the plate in front of him, slightly spilling the pasta. I looked back at her broken-hearted look, an utter display of insecurity captivating her face.

He looked at me wide-eyed, "Eat you fat fucking pig-" I said in Sumerian.

"What did you say?" He asked.

"I said-" I covered Colette's ears, "Eat up you fat fucking ungrateful pig" 

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused, actually, in fact…" I paused, "If you ever say something like that to my mother again, I'll rip you a new one-" 

"Kaveh!" My mother cut me off.

"You're carrying his child and he gets to say such shitty things to you?" I was livid. 

"She's my wife-" He argued.

"She's my mother!" I scoffed, "And if you love her, you'd treat her with respect-" 

"I won't tolerate such shit in my own home" He stood up, a hint of threat in his stance. 

"Oh, what are you gonna do, hit me?" I laughed. 

"You're just psycho anyways, I don't even know why I'm listening to you-" He sat back down.

"Its not okay to treat her like that, call me psycho if you want, she's pregnant, not fat!" I uncovered Colette's ears, I grabbed my plate and headed out the dining room, "I hope you find it in your heart to love her better-" I went up the stairs to my room to eat my meal alone. 

Why was I so emotional about that? Was it because my mother didn't deserve that? Was it because I understood her pain of being mistreated? My last relationship I was in truly made me understand abuse. It made me realize that I was the toxic one in Alhaitham's relationship. He did nothing but tell the truth, hurtful, but honesty. Adam wasn't like that, he broke me down, told me I was worthless. That my ideas were subject of nothing. He love bombed me and talked about futures, kids, a house. Then he'd shatter my confidence, just to gain control again. 

It wasn't until he had hit me that it all clicked that he was abusive. Marcel was one of those toxic men, ones that didn't respect boundaries, and didn't respect their partners. The type to tell you you're ugly and won't find anything better just to inflate their small ego. 

I was gonna hurl

I ran to the bathroom as quick as I could out of that room. My dinner all going into the toilet immediately, sometimes this happened. My nerves get so sensitive I become nauseous and puke. I hated throwing up, but my anxiety felt better by the second. 

I wiped my face and headed back to the bedroom, my appetite was completely lost. I truly was a wreck, but definitely not a psycho. Marcel just said that to invalidate my claims of his toxic behavior. He limited me to a crazy, emotionally unstable human; just so his point was laced with sanity. He was annoying to say the least. 

I pulled out my book I was reading, sighing away at the situation. Eating what was left of the pasta, trying to keep the food down. I needed to not be so angry, angry to the point I was shaking. I'm very glad Alhaitham wasn't here, it'd be a fight as soon as he stood up. Marcel meant to threaten me, his stance and balled up fists said it all. I hated him so much, so fucking much. 

I finished the last bite of the pasta.

To do it also in front of your 7 year old daughter! Oh, that made me livid as well, now when she was pregnant she was going to think she's fat too! It's all a cycle, and I burned to fucking change it. I grumbled softly as I payed attention to the pages. Alhaitham would've killed him, told him off and threatened him back. Even if we were just friends living together here. 

I heard a soft knock at the door, "If its you Marcel, leave me alone right-"

"Its me, big brother-" Colette opened the door, I breathed out in relief. 

"Hey Colette-" I opened my arms to her, as she skipped to my hug. I nuzzled into her neck and kept her close.

"Daddy's mean sometimes, don't worry Kaveh" She whispered, her embrace becoming tighter. 

"Daddy needs to be nicer-" I mentioned, "Especially to mama" I stated.

"He sometimes says mean things when he comes off at work, I promise it's only then!" She defended.

Yeah right.

"I hope so" I commented.

"Its true brother Kaveh, he's much nicer to mama on the weekends" She pulled slightly away.

"He doesn't need to be saying those things to mama, she isn't fat, and she isn't eating more just for nothing-"

"I know, the baby needs food too-" She swayed back and forth and looked down at her feet.

"Babies are very hungry-" I felt myself starting to get sick again. Truly, my nerves are all over the place; I felt sick to my stomach thinking about how Collette would self-doubt herself. She'll develop the little voice in my head I have too. She didn't deserve that treatment.

"Babies are fat!" Colette giggled, "Not mama-"

"Babies are fat" I agreed, "They are very chubby when they come out" 

"I like babies, they're cute-" She commented, "I can't wait for them to come out!" Just like that the 7 year old moved on. It was so easy being in an environment that was mainly normal. Maybe Colette will just deal better than I do. 

I remember when I was 7 learning how to do laundry. I remember having to cook for myself, and clean. Colette didn't have it as bad as I did, she was in a home where both parents loved her. I just wished it was my father instead of him, he treated my mother so well. He loved her until the end, I'm sure of it. If Colette was their child, he'd play dolls with her, blow raspberries in her stomach, tickle her; and tell Colette daily how much he loved her. 

I teared up slightly, I missed my Baba so much. 

My mother came behind Colette with her babbling about the baby. A soft lecture from my mother notioned her to calm down for bedtime. As Faranak put her to sleep, I settled down, getting into my own pajamas myself. Thinking about my father made me somber, rather than angry. There's so much he was missing out on. It'd be a dream that I was appointed Sage of Kshahrewar, he'd be so proud of where I had come. Oh, how I missed his smell, and his comforting hugs, the way his arms felt heavy against my body. The way he smiled at me with so much love in his heart, my Baba was a kind man. He loved me and Mama so much. You could just tell.

There was so much that was missing without his presence. My mother's happiness included into that subject. I bet if my father came back to life, she'd choose him over Marcel in a heartbeat. They were just like that, I knew my mother's choice, she loved him so much so lost herself when he died. 

"Kaveh?" My mother came in, "I wanted to talk to you" She sat down on the desk chair.

"Yeah?" I wiped my tears.

"Are you okay?" She worried.

"I was just thinking about Baba, that's all" I sighed.

"Your father-" She paused, you could see the gleam in her eye disappear at the thought of him. "I know, he's gone…" She started, lost in thought.

"Baba would've never wanted you to be treated like this" I argued, "He would want you to be happy, mother" I looked at her. 

"I am happy" She sighed, "Marcel and I are just on a bumpy road right now" She defended, "I thought having another child would help that, and it has-"

"Having a child won't fix those issues, he has to work on himself mother" I stated, "If he loves you he'll change" 

"I will speak to him about it" She didn't say she agreed, "But I wanted to tell you, thank you" She looked at me.

"For defending you?" I crossed my legs.

"Yes, what Marcel said was unfair" She mumbled, "It made me far too insecure" She held her head down.

"Mom, you're welcome, anyone would've done it in my shoes" I lifted my hand to explain. 

"The women here are treated differently, we're expected of more-" She sighed, "Sometimes I forget it's not normal" Her eyes met mine, "You know-" She paused, "You've told me nothing about what's going on right now, why you've suddenly visited" Her topic changing.

"I'm working on myself to be stable enough to take the position of Sage" I stated, "Sage of Kshahrewar" 

A small smile lit up her face, "An Omegan Sage, times are truly changing-" Her eyes glittered in excitement, "I'm so proud of you, Baba would be too-" She went over to give me a soft hug. 

I leaned into her hair, the scent of lilies and honeysuckle burning into my brain. My mother always had a comforting aura about her, a soft and safe feeling. Sometimes it makes me want to just forget how much I've been hurt by her. But the conversation needed to happen, "I'm glad of your approval-" I paused, she sat back down, "But I need to talk to you" I looked in her eyes. "I need closure for my mental stability" 

"Sure, what's needed to be talked about?" She asked.

My eyebrows curved in worry, that nauseous feeling coming back. "I just need to talk about how to save our relationship" I stated, "I need you to listen, to accept things… if you can't do that-" I gulped on tears, "I cannot have a relationship with you any longer" 

She sighed out, "This is gonna be a tough conversation, isn't it?"

"Yes" I was honest, "Its going to hurt" 

She breathed out, calming herself, "Okay, Kaveh, I'm listening" 

I knew where to start, but the words were stuck in my throat, they stayed there a while. The silence deafening as my eyes hit the floor, "When Baba died…" I spoke, "I needed a mother" I looked at her, my eyebrows furrowing, "I needed support" I finished the first sentence, my mouth feeling like pennies with nausea.

"I tried my hardest Kaveh-"

"You didn't" I finished, "You didn't try your hardest, because your hardest is Colette" I used for example.

"Yes" She peeped, "I suppose so"

I looked away, tears welling in my eyes, "I have this disorder because of you" I stated, "Because I mothered you when I needed a mother" Drops fell from my eyes, "You told me I was a burden, many times-" My lower lip quivered. 

"I never told you-"

"You did, you've even told me drunk how if I never convinced my father we wouldn't have been in that situation-" I looked her in the eyes.

"I was drunk" She defended.

"You told me that when I was 7…" I sniffed, "And yeah, you were drunk, who do you think I learned from to drown out my sorrows?" I argued, "Mom, I'm this messed up because of you-" I crossed my arms. 

"You cannot blame me for everything" She teared up, "What would you have done if it was you?" 

"You think I haven't thought of that?" I shook my head, "I would've been there for my son, I wouldn't have blamed him for my husband's death, I would've fed him and loved him" I got upset, "I've thought about your shoes a thousand times, that's why I've never had this conversation!" I snapped, breathing to calm down, "You weren't a good mother" I stated, "I would've never done what you had" 

"I think you're just looking to blame someone-"

"I take responsibility for my mistakes, one of the biggest ones was loosing Alhaitham, and it's my fault!" I yelled a little, "Now where's your responsibility?" I grabbed a tissue, "Where do you say I apologize Kaveh, I could've done better for you" I pleaded, silence sat right in front of me. 

She breathed out, "I tried my best Kaveh, I was hurting… I lost the only one I loved, the only man I cared about-"

"You're about to loose all you have left of him" I scoffed, tears falling down my eyes, "I won't keep begging for you to say sorry!" I sobbed. 

"I'm sorry!" She yelled, tears forming down her eyes, "If I knew that Eytan was going to die, I would've never had you!" She argued, drops waterfalling from her chin.

"You would've never had me?" I gulped up more sobs.

"Not like that" She cut me off, "I would've never put you through that" She sniffed. 

"Why couldn't you have just done better? Why wasn't I enough?" I sobbed, "Why wasn't I enough?" I whispered. 

"You were stronger Kaveh, stronger than I was-" She wiped her tears.

"I didn't need to be stronger, I was a child" I fisted at my thighs as I cried.

"I know-" She sighed, inching the chair to me, she grabbed my hands, holding them. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-" She held me, "I shouldn't have put you through that-" She hugged me as I sobbed into her shoulder. "You deserved a better mother, and I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough-" She cried in my shoulder, "I'm sorry I couldn't give you what Colette had, and I should've-"

I sobbed hard into her shoulder, holding onto her for dear life. I couldn't come up with more words as the shirt she was wearing wetted under my tears. I haven't cried this hard in her arms since I was young. I didn't even hold her for support after Alhaitham and I broke up. She kept whispering soft sorries in my ears, petting through my hair like she used to until I calmed. I felt like a child in his mother's arms for a moment, crying about falling down on the ground. 

"Kaveh, I love you, I always have…" She cupped my face, "All those things I said, they're not true, it's not your fault, none of it is" She kissed my forehead, "It was a terrible accident, a terrible, terrible accident" She sobbed, "And every moment I wish Eytan was here… I wish this child was his, and you're right-" She paused, "He wouldn't want me to be treated like this-" 

I shook my head, "Baba would've loved you so much-" I cried a little, "He did, he loved us a lot-" 

"I know, Kaveh-" She sniffed, "I know he loved you, he always wanted the best" She wiped my tears, "Baba wanted you to be successful, he wanted you to do great" She smiled, "And you have, you're amazing, Kaveh, you always have been, despite everything" She looked in my eyes, "You're my little star" Her hands cupped my cheeks, pulling me into a hug, "And I hope you can forgive me" 

"I already did, I forgave you a long time ago-" I sighed out, "Even when you didn't apologize" I whispered. 

"I love you, Kaveh" She whispered, "My baby boy" 

I love you too. 

Even with everything, I can't help but love you.

"I love you mom, I love you so much" I held on so tight. "I miss you" I whispered, "I miss you so much-"

"I miss you too"

I held on so tight that night, I never let go.

Chapter Text

2 weeks later

As I returned home to Sumeru, I had accepted the proposal of Sage. Working with Alhaitham, and the 5 others; I was in charge of accepting and rejecting applications to the Academia. Which, by my promotion enhanced applications to my particular school. Kshahrewar was known as the school for Arts, many of the applicants women and Omegas. In a way I enjoyed wearing lavish robes, and keeping my hair up. Some of the scholars still called me Senior instead of Sage, despite the appearance change. 

It was no mistake of me to take leadership in the Academy, in charge of a whole Darshan. I quickly eliminated the shifty professors that were known for scamming scholars. Instead I appointed Alumni that kept promise to being teachers. The school of Kshahrewar was in fact better than previously. What also followed my promotion was the amount of financial support to the scholars. Kshahrewar was no longer a broke school, it was flourishing with applicants and donations. 

The only problem I had was a stomach bug that had became an issue. I was throwing up everything I ate, surprisingly soup couldn't even be held down. And I loved soup so much! Since the issue persisted for a week, Tighnari made me some medicine to aid and treat multiple stomach illnesses. It helped with keeping down food, but didn't help the horrible nausea I had going to sleep and waking up.

I sat in my office, reading through applicants when I heard a knock come at the door. "Come in!" I yelled, several scholars coming through with some balloons and a cake.

"Senior-" They cut off, "Sage Kaveh, we heard you were pretty sick and we wanted to bring you some get well cards from the Darshan-" She handed me the cards on my desk, a slight bow. 

"Skip the formalities, it is okay to simply leave it at Kaveh, you seniors should know that by now-" I giggled, taking the cards, each of them signed by new, and older scholars. "This is so sweet, thank you-" I pouted with happiness.

"We thought you would like it, since you've been pretty sick-" Another senior added.

"Tighnari has given me some medicine to aid my symptoms, it's helped a little" I looked over at the cake.

"That's good that senior Tighnari has gotten you a cure all" The girl smiled, "We're so glad you decided to be Sage, so it's a double thanks to making Kshahrewar a better environment-"

"You've done nothing but serve us well as scholars, it's the least we could do" Another said.

"I'll have to humble myself if you all continue with such lovely compliments-" I smiled, "I'd love for you all to stay, share this cake with me-" I paused, looking at the pile of applicants, "But I simply just lack the time to do so, I appreciate this so much, it's so unfair I cannot spend one-on-one with my lovely seniors" I pouted, "It sucks being Sage sometimes, give me a few months and I can thank you all in earnest-" 

"No need, Sage- I mean, Kaveh, we know you are incredibly busy" They bowed, "We're so glad you enjoy the cake-"

"We won't bother you any longer" The seniors left with a small vow. I stared at the cake with a sigh, opening it up. I was so hungry all the time, but threw everything up. I scarfed down 3 pieces, going for a forth. I had eaten almost half of the whole thing. Truly, it was going to my thighs for sure, with the amount of sugar in this. 

I continued to work on Applications, expecting to throw up the cake in a few hours. But the time had never came, maybe my stomach just needed sweets. Whatever the sickness was, it favored sugary items. Muffins for breakfast, sweet meat samosas for lunch, and sweet chicken for dinner. The next few days went by smoothly with the different sweet things I ate. I hadn't ate so much sugar since I was a teenager. 

I found myself wanting spicy items, I hated spicy food. I in fact despised it amongst other things so much I never had it in my fridge. Alhaitham's dinner stared at me with anticipation. It was a red curry with Liyue peppers in it, but my mouth watered for a taste of it. But the time I pulled it out, I had scarfed down half of it, Alhaitham wasn't going to be happy. 

I needed to talk to Tighnari about what could possibly cause such weird urges in my diet. Enough to steal my roommate's food and eat it all the way up. I couldn't take any more time off of work for my sickness. But at least I could eat now, sweet or spicy, those were my choices. Which, were a lot of things, as long as I put sugar, or cayenne on it, I could eat anything. Hopefully Tighnari could figure out what had been wrong with me-

-

"A parasite" He said, thinking, "Weird cravings, only can eat at certain times, not night or morning-" He wrote down.

"Is the morning and night thing normal?" I asked.

"Parasites in the intestines move primarily when you're asleep-" He added, "They prefer to not have any bowel movements to complicate that" He pulled out some different herbs. 

"That's gross" I felt sick to my stomach, "So this little bastard is controlling what I eat? And how much?" I scoffed.

"Precisely" He commented, "I suspect it's a type of desert parasite that's getting ready to lay its eggs in your stool" He marked more down on the paper, "They say the cravings of sweets and spicy is due to their evolution-"

"Why?" I asked.

"Sweet shit tastes good to animals, securing a next host-" He smirked, "And the spicy makes it softer, easy to go on an animal if they deficate on where you last…" He paused.

"I get it, I get it" I took the medicine, Collei was quiet in the corner, preparing the rest of the dosage in herbs.

"Thoughts Collei?" Tighnari turned. 

"It doesn't make sense" She mumbled, "If it were a parasite, the last time Kaveh went to the desert was 5 months ago…" She trailed, "Their duration of cycle is only 2 months with sufficient nutrients-"

"Sumarian anyone?" I put an eyebrow up.

"She's saying your symptoms don't match the timeline, you should've been sick months ago" Tighnari pinched his temple in thought, "If it were a stomach bug, your symptoms would have been cured by the medicine I gave you, parasites don't match the timeline-" He wrote down, "It doesn't make sense-"

"Sorry to add, or if you find this offensive-" Collei paused, "But it sounds an awful like-" She stopped, biting her lip.

"Continue Collei" Tighnari's ears perked. 

"Like morning sickness" She finished, "The cravings, throwing up, the nausea-" 

"That's impossible" I scoffed, "I haven't had sex in over a year" I chuckled, Tighnari looked over at Collei.

"Please get the slime PH tester" Tighnari said to Collei, I scrunched my face in anger.

"Do you not believe me?" I crossed my arms. 

"With your history of one-night stands when you were in Fontaine and your first year here, I kind of have to not believe you-" Tighnari stared at me.

"I haven't slept with anyone, one-night stands are behind me!" I shook my head in disbelief, "You know I don't do that anymore!" I snapped.

"Well, if you're that confident-" Tignari paused, Collei handed the slime as he dipped the strip. "Piss on that for me" He smiled sarcastically. 

I took the strip, sighed and stomped my way to the restroom. This was stupid, there was no way I was pregnant, I hadn't slept with anyone! Hell, honestly I'd be fucking damned if I was pregnant because I want to know how and when. I slammed the door a little, sitting down on the toilet, I pissed on the strip. I waited a couple of minutes, sighing away. I couldn't believe Tighnari didn't believe me! I wasn't sleeping around, I practically couldn't with Alhaitham home! He'd be so pissed at me bringing someone. If I did, he'd surely make a rule about sex in his house because I'm loud. I always have been so loud, truly if I did Alhaitham would've said something by now. So it was impossible that I brought anyon-

Red

The strip stood back Red, like a war sign, I double took it. This has to be a dream, there was no way. I hadn't with anyone, it doesn't make sense! I felt the tears well up, because, well, how was I to raise a child without a father? I've had symptoms like this for a month, so I had to be 2-3 months along. Too late to drink the tea, the baby would survive. Who did I sleep with? Oh, I was crying again, I had to move out of Alhaitham's. I had 6 months to find a new place, 6 months to move on from him. This child needed a strong father, and I had to be that. I can't cower and give up the child, it was my mistake, I had to own up to it. 

"Uncle Kaveh?" Collei knocked on the door.

I stilled from crying, this was bad, this was so fucking horrible. The baby wasn't going to have a Baba, and it's my fault. It's all my fault again. I started feeling the drips fall as I kept quiet. 

"Kaveh? Are you okay?" Tighnari asked, couple of more knocks.

"Its pos-" I sobbed slightly, "Its possit- positive" I cried in between words. I wasn't ready to have a child without a support system. I still had so much wrong with me that I had to work on. I couldn't put a child through that with me.

"Oh, Kaveh, it's okay…" Tighnari mumbled, "Let me in okay?" He asked.

I opened the door slowly, my pants were still down, Tighnari coming in. "I-"

"Do you have any idea who the father is?" He asked, "We need to focus on that first"

"No, n-no I have no idea-" I sobbed, panic ensuing the situation.

"You had to have brought them home, Alhaitham could know something-" Tighnari mentioned.

"He would've complained though-" I cut off.

"Not if he felt it was an embarrassing conversation to have" Tighnari proved a point, "You know he hates those"

"I don't know what I'm going to do!" I yelled a little, "I have this baby and-" I cried more, "He's not going to have a family that I wanted him to-"

"Or She-" Tighnari cut.

"They're not going to have a support system they need" I sniffed, Tighnari bent down and held my hands. He rubbed them softly in comfort.

"I know you'll make a good dad, with or without support-" He paused, putting a hand on my shoulder, "You're strong Kaveh, so very strong" He sighed, "And now you have a stable job, which makes everything better… I know you can do it" 

I sniffed and nodded, Tighnari was so rational when it came to things like this. "I need to find the dad-" I mumbled, focusing, "You're right, Alhaitham might know who it is-" I trailed off, staring at the strip again. "Which I feel self-"

"You are not selfish for making the father responsible, it's what needs to be done" He said with a hint of anger, "He decided to put his dick inside you as much as you accepted it-" He crossed his arms, standing back up, he held out a hand, "Lets go okay?"

I held it, and pulled up my pants, going out the door. Collei looks so guilty standing there, a frown on her face. "I wish I was wrong Uncle Kaveh-" She mumbled, Tighnari sighed softly, looking back at me.

"It was good we checked, now we know you're just pregnant with cravings" Tighnari joked. 

I chuckled slightly, "I wish it weren't the case too, but, at least I know what's wrong-" I stared at Collei, "Its the best and worst moment of my life right now" 

"That's at least a little good?" She smiled, "I bet the baby will be beautiful just like you-" She complimented. 

"I bet too, hopefully the father isn't ugly-" I joked, looking at Tighnari. "I have to know who it is, I have to go home and tell Alhaitham I'm moving out-" I said.

"Want me to walk you there? It's a bit of a stroll, especially with the news you're distraught-" 

"I'll be fine" I told Tighnari, "I'll dissociate on the way" I said out like a promise.

"I hope the father isn't ugly-" Collei inputted.

I laughed a little, "I have standards, even while drunk-" I giggled, "I'll keep you guys posted-" I walked out the doors, Tighnari waving me off with worry. 

"Take care Uncle Kaveh-" Collei yelled out as I stepped down to the trail.

Mehrak followed behind, hillichurls were dangerous on this route. But I know, to be honest, I hope they stress me out enough to have a miscarriage at this point. But unfortunately knowing my luck, the one time I want them to attack me, they won't. It was a 45 minute walk to Sumeru city. 45 minutes of dissociating, trying to avoid thinking about everything. I was going to raise a child without a father, I just hoped I was nothing like my mother when it came to it. I was going to be strong, a person they could look up to. A single Omegan father that was the Sage of Kshahrewar. I just hoped I could pull through everything, that I had the patience to raise a child. 

With my mood disorder, things would be difficult, it'd be difficult to raise children. But I could do it, I know I can deep down. I can learn to fight the battle of borderlining myself. I can do everything that needs to be done. Sleepless nights was something I was used to, what's the harm when it's for my baby instead? Maybe having a child is what I need, something I can love and take care of. I held my stomach and rubbed softly, I was going to try my very hardest. 

As I came into Sumeru City, it was 6 o'clock, just in time for Alhaitham's schedule of dinner. Which meant the tough conversation had to go on while he was trying to eat. I don't even know how to start a discussion about moving out; or how I was pregnant and all alone. That I had 6 months to figure it out before the thing was born. Coming to the door of our house was more difficult than pictured in my head. I didn't want to turn the key, or him to see my tear stained eyes. I didn't want him to see my stress or my feelings.

I turned the door open, walking into the livingroom after I kicked my flats off. I slowly made my way to the kitchen, Alhaitham sitting down with that red curry again. My mouth watered for a second before processing anything.

"Kaveh?" He called out, it sounded like it repeated.

"Yes, sorry-" I took my eyes off the food, staring at him.

"You look like a boar hit you, are you alright?" He asked, I stared more at the curry.

"Could I please have a plate of that?" I asked, I couldn't help how hungry I was. 

"Uh, yes, but it's very spicy-" He trailed, looking up and down at me, "You ate the last one didn't you?" He paused, "You hate spicy though-" 

"I just need it!" I snapped, "Please, where-" He pointed at the stove, I plated rice as quickly as I could, serving up myself food. I sat down and scarfed it down, this little shit loved spicy food. My tongue burned but I wanted more. Alhaitham looked at me like a madman, and I suppose from the other side, I looked crazy. 

I finished it quickly, my mouth stinging uncomfortably as his eyes ran down me, wide and surprised. "Are you alright?" He asked again, a bit of uncertainty in his tone.

"My mouth hurts-" I sighed, going to pull out some milk from the fridge.

"Well, I told you it's spicy-" He trailed, "You still ate it-"

"I can't help how this little shit wants nothing but sweets and spicy crap-" I said passed drinking the milk. My tongue finally settling, holding my stomach for a moment after returning the milk. 

"Kaveh? What are you talking about, you sound crazy-" He paused, "You just scarfed down your least favorite food like a starved man-" 

"I need to move out in six months-" I sat at the table, "I'm sorry I know I sound crazy, and I'm eating crazy but I promise you I'm alright-"

Alhaitham shook his head with a double take, "Wait, why are you moving out?" He asked, "What's going on?" He breathed out in worry.

Now it was my time to explain, "I'm pregnant" I said through my bangs, "And I don't want something that's my responsibility falling onto you, so I'll be out before the baby-"

"I forbid you to move out" He cut me off, "You won't be going anywhere"

I scoffed a little, "I will do as please! I don't want your pity any longer Alhaitham, I can handle this on my own-" I argued. 

"You can't handle this on your own" He repeated, "I won't allow it-"

"Well, it's definitely not yours, so I don't care how you feel in the situation-" I shook my head, my eyes rolling. 

He stared at me a long moment, too long to feel comfortable about what I had just said. Definitely not yours rang in my ears, Alhaitham adjusted himself uncomfortably, looking down at his plate. "Do you have any idea who the father is Alhaitham-" I trailed, "You would've seen me bring someo-"

"Its mine" He cut off, pinching his temples, stress becoming clear in his scent. 

Chapter Text

My mouth went agape for a second, my eyes blinking in disbelief, "What?" I uttered, shock filling my gut. 

"I had sex with you, in your heat, I'm the one who is the father-" He deadpanned. 

I thought it over, trying to remember when it had happened. The last time I was drunk was out with Nilou, she said Alhaitham had brought me home. The dream of walking back with Alhaitham, him jacking me off in the tavern. The amazing sex that followed that night, him knotting me and telling me he loved me. It wasn't a dream, he had actually done that, "The night with my college pants… we had sex, didn't we?" I held my head. 

"Yes, I was hoping you would just forget and move on-" He trailed, "Or pretend-"

I slapped him, anger setting in, none of this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for how stupid Alhaitham was. How fucking stupid that he came inside me! "Are you fucking stupid?!" I screamed, "You came inside me on my heat! You didn't tell me on purpose because of your headache of an ego!" I was turning red by the second, "I'm fucking pregnant because of your shitty thinking!" 

"I deserve that-" He held his jaw.

I stared at the curry, "Oh, no fucking wonder I crave spicy shit!" I slammed my hands on the table, "And I threw up soup!" I laughed, "They're your fucking kid, that's for sure!" 

"Listen, Kaveh-"

"I'm not fucking listening!" I screamed, "You fucking listen-" I bit my lip in anger, "You are so selfish! Fucking self-centered, slickdick motherfucker, who came inside me!" I yelled.

"I know" He went to hold my hand, I pulled away, "It was stupid of me, but I was trying to let you move on, because-"

"Oh! Knocking me up and trapping me by a kid truly helped your case!"

"I couldn't convince you that night meant nothing, because it didn't-" He sighed, "And I messed up, I apologize-" 

"So, you decided to lie to me so I could move on?" My eyebrows furrowed.

"Yes, I did, I lied" He sighed, "I admit it, and I didn't want to to suffer like this-"

"Oh, you're suffering with me, I'll have you know!" I cut him off again.

"I know." He finished, "Its my responsibility as well Kaveh-"

"Good" I sat back down, I still was so angry at him, so furious.

"We need to make this work out, I know you still love me-"

"Debating that" I scoffed.

He sighed, "I love you too Kaveh, we love each other still, there's love for this baby to be able to thrive in-" He looked at me, holding my hands. "I want us to work this out, I want to baby to have a family, just like you always wanted-" 

"You want to make this work out now?" I teared up, "Only because there's a baby involved?" 

"Yes, it makes sense doesn't it? You love me, I love you…" He sighed, "The baby needs us, it'd be selfish not to try for it" 

"None of you logic makes any sense-" I bit back my anger, my tears stinging. "It was selfish in the first place-" I paused, "How do I know this isn't some kind trick?" I asked. 

"Kaveh, we've been over this, I wouldn't trick you…" He looked in my eyes, "I care about you more than anything-" He breathed in and out.

"You tricked me in the first place-" I pulled my hand back again. "You lied about the situation instead of owning up to it!" I felt tears fall down. 

Alhaitham bit his lip, making that thinking face he always does before he talks. "I did…" He started, "I did trick you, I didn't own up to anything…" He sighed, "I wasn't thinking logically, I just was thinking of how not to hurt you-"

"Hurt me? Well, you've done a great job at hurting me already-" 

"I was trying to-"

"Trying to what? Get your dick wet and think about it later?!" I snapped.

"Please Kaveh, let me finish-"

"No! You tricked me! You had sex with me while I was drunk and convinced me it was a dream-"

"Kaveh!" He raised his voice, I stopped, his tense nature lifting as he breathed. "We were both drunk-" He cut off, "I wasn't sober" 

I paused, that changed the story a lot, "You weren't?"

"No, honestly I was plastered, I truly didn't think…When I woke up, I couldn't think either…" He trailed.

"What about after, all that time you had to tell me?" I eyed him up and down.

"I…" He bit his lip, "I apologize Kaveh, I can't take it back, I can't undo my mistake" His shoulders dropped, "I was really trying to let you move on, to let you be in love with someone else…" His eyes met mine, "I selfishly kissed you when I knew that… I selfishly put my hands down your pants… I tried selflessly to let you move on… I made a huge… mistake-" He pinched his temple in stress.

"So did I… so I guess we're even now-" I stared at my stomach, my lips quivering, out of anyone, I'm glad it was him. Alhaitham would be a good father, he would take care of us no matter what. "I don't know Alhaitham… I don't want to hurt you again-" I teared up, "I don't want us to hurt each other-" 

"I need you to try" He stated, "I need us to try, I didn't want to be selfish-" He paused, 

"All I've ever wanted was you to be happy-"

"My happiness doesn't matter!" I cut him off, "What matters is that the baby is happy-" I sighed, wiping my tears. What matters is the baby, it's what they need; not me. 

"Your happiness matters too-" He held my hands, my lips quivered and bit back tears. "I'll make sure you remember that…" 

"Haith-" I breathed out, my breaths icy with anxiety, this whole situation was terrifying. My ex I haven't been with for 4 years; up and has a one night stand with me. He says he's willing to make things work out, and I'm pregnant. I haven't dealt with any of my mood disorder, any of my trauma. I haven't healed and now I'm supposed to raise a child? What if I fuck up? What if I mess up this child? I can't fathom that right now! I can't fathom hurting a child like that and it ends up like me. I can't do it, I can't. "I'm scared" I admitted, tears spilling from my eyes, my shoulders shook, "I'm so fucking scared" I gulped up my anxiety attack.

He got up and came to my side, pulling me to his chest. I started sobbing, my hands wrapped around him, scooping around to his back. I was going to ruin everything, I wasn't ready for this. I'm going to be a terrible father, I'm going to hurt them. I could feel my chest heaving, that little voice in my head screaming. Alhaitham ran his fingers through my hair, shushing me as I rocked back and forth. My vision was blurry and Alhaitham's words were muffled as if I was underwater. I couldn't hear what he was saying, I was so clouded by that voice in my head.

After all that shitalking of your mother, and now you're gonna be just like her-

Oh Kaveh, you think you'll be a good father? That's hilarious! You're a real comedian.

He doesn't actually love you, he's just obligated by a baby. Man you really trapped him-

He hurt you, but this is all something you've secretly wanted huh? Manipulator much?

You truly walked yourself into this, acting like you didn't flirt back, you wanted every second. Now you're pregnant? Your mom was right, you truly are a slut-

You'll sleep with anyone if it gives you attention- 

Attention whore, faggot, slut, manipulating blonde bit-

His lips met mine for a second, every raw thought silencing at once. Alhaitham's lips were never chapped, always as soft and calming as I remember. The taste of almond oil chapstick lingered there, just like when we were kids. So much has changed, but so little was different about us. His hand rested on my side, just as he did back then. He always knew how to clear my thoughts; my eyelashes fluttering as we pulled apart. 

"Kaveh, please-" His face was filled with concern and disoriented anxiety.

"I'm sorry…" I mumbled, I'm sorry I mouthed, that voice coming in again.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, please calm down-" He begged with a whisper, kneeling down to hold my hands. "You need to find peace-"

"I can't, the voice in my head it's-" I sobbed up some tears again.

You look pathetic-

"Kaveh, please… Everything is going to be alright, I'm here…" He rubbed my hands, "I need you to calm down-"

"I'm gonna hurt them Haith, I'm going to be like my mom-" I cried, he shook his head frantically.

"No, no, no… Kaveh, you've got me okay? I'm not going anywhere… You won't hurt them…" His eyes darted in-between mine.

I choked on a sob, "I will, I can't do it, I can't-" I kept repeating, he pulled me in for another kiss. My sobs silenced for a second, hiccups interrupting the peck between us. "I can't-" I pleaded with him, breaking us up.

"Kaveh, I need you to think logically okay?" He cupped my face, "Everything is going to be okay, we have a house, two stable incomes, you're starting therapy…" He listed, I nodded along, "I need you to not have panic attacks okay?" 

"I can't Haith-"

"You are risking miscarriage by stress-" He said, I gulped with realization setting in. "I'm sorry I know I sound harsh, but you having attacks like this puts our baby in danger" He cupped my face, "I need you to listen and come to the room to calm down-"

Our baby.

My palm landed on my stomach, tears silently flooding down. I was fighting the panic, Alhaitham was right. Tignari had a miscarriage from the stress of me almost killing myself, but it was different. He didn't want a child, the situation was beneficial. Having a miscarriage now, would put me in a hospital. I was too far along.

"I'm sorry" I whispered, holding his hand.

"Its okay, let's go to the bed okay?" He offered, "We'll talk there… figure this out-" He pulled me up with him, guiding me down the hall to his room. Making sure I didn't have any more signs of stress when he sat me down on the bed. He dug through the hamper of his laundry, pulling out a shirt or two. 

"I thought you said-"

"That was then, and this is now-" He put them on my lap, "Scent those, you need to calm down" He crawled on the bed next to me, I curled up next to the shirts and held them close.

"Why can't I just scent you?" I asked, he shifted slightly, gaining his composure.

"We need to talk, I'll allow you to scent afterwards… but for now, those will do" He gestured to the shirts crumpled on my chest. 

"Okay" I mumbled quietly.

"I'm going to continue with logical blunt terms, I need you to keep in mind-" He paused, staring at me scenting the shirts aggressively, "Alright, I need to to keep in mind I'm not trying to hurt you, okay?" His eyebrows furrowed as he placed his hand on my leg to comfort me. 

"I'll try…" I felt tears well up, "I don't want to split on you-" I mentioned.

"I'll stop talking if I notice you split" He reassured me. "Keep scenting the shirts, you need them-"

"Thank you, Haitham-" I lifted up to sit on my legs.

"No need, it's my responsibility to take care of you-" He got up, looking back at me for a brief moment, "You're carrying my child after all, this is the bare minimum required of me" He stated as a fact, going around to his desk. He dug through it for a moment, I knew the drawer he was shifting through. It was his grandmother's drawer; he pulled out a small wooden box. It didn't look like hers, far too new for her taste. He carried it like it was something fragile and expensive, sitting down in front of me with it.

"I got this 5 years ago… before everything… happened-" He mumbled, what was he mentioning? His grandmother's death happened when he was 18. His hands shook slightly around the beautifully carved box, "I made a promise that I never told you about-"

"What was it? And to whom?" I asked, my eyes scattered around the cherrywood and its carvings.

"I promised my grandmother that no matter what I'd take care of you…" He admitted, "She loved you so much, she made me promise that" His eyes met mine, it all made sense now, why he put up with me, why he took me off the streets. Why he'd feed me, why he'd just take the blows of our fights. Why he'd just let me say such horrible things to him in our early twenties. It made perfect sense, the only other Omega Alhaitham ever loved and listened to was his grandmother. He cared for her so much, she was the only parent he ever had. 

"That's why…" I mumbled, "You took me off the streets?" I questioned.

"Yes" He answered, "That, and I still care about you… I do not wish to ever see you suffer-" His hand grabbed my left, rubbing his thumb over the top of my hand.

"What's in the box?" I eyed it, shifting back to his eyes. He bit his lip, looking away for a second.

"As the Grand Sage, I have to hold a reputation… same as you do-" He started, "You being pregnant, unmated, and unwed would cause a lot of fuss… fuss and stress you do not need-" 

"No-" I watched the box open, a beautiful pearlescent diamond stared back on at me, set on white gold, with a vintage design. The ring of my dreams, in the cherrywood box that I talked about. How much I hated the classic velvet boxes, Alhaitham listened to everything I had said. 

"I'll have a proper engagement when you're ready to actually say yes… but for now I need you to pretend we're engaged for our own sakes-" 

"How long did you have this before we broke up?" I asked, tearing up. 

"A year, I got it a year after my grandmother passed away" He stated.

I could feel the panic, my breaths becoming shallow, hurried. He loved me so much, and I had just thrown it all away- this was 200 times worse. I didn't just loose Alhaitham, I lost my dreams at 22. I lost everything, and messed up our whole future-

"Kaveh, you're splitting again, please-" He held my hand, "Tell me what your thoughts are saying-" 

"They're mean-" I quivered, "They're saying I threw away everything… we could have had the future we wanted-" I felt tears fall, "And it was all my fault-" I sniffed, "I'm sorry Haith, I hurt you so much… I don't deserve this-" I nodded my head to the ring, "I don't deserve you-"

He scooped me up into his lap, "Lets talk about it, how we ended things… we never let the water still with that conversation-" He rubbed my back. 

I calmed down slightly as my nose nuzzled in his nape. The smell of pine and rain stilled my nerves, "I-" I couldn't speak, I had felt so guilty. It was so stupid how it ended, and it hurt both of us in the last moments. Years of regretting what I had done, knowing I'd never have him back. Destroying the things he gave me, moving out after graduating and never looking back. 

"When everything happened, I couldn't process it-" Alhaitham's voice faded, a simple memory of the day coming back to me. It was a good day before it had happened, Alhaitham made us breakfast that morning. I was stressed with finals, both of us on a joint project. He had made my favorite, biscuits and gravy; a Fontaine dish that my mother had made when things were good. We made love the night before to burn off any pent-up tension from the week. Alhaitham left for an early class he had. I was in the dorms alone during that. 

The class we had together was Linguistics, study in Fontainian tongue. It was an easy class for me and filled an extra-curricular credit under my degree. For Alhaitham it was required in his audit, he took the class as seriously as possible. But Alhaitham took every class seriously, nothing undersharp of an A+. The joint project was the final, we had to have a whole conversation in the language; write it out, and have two joint essays on what we learned from each other. One essay written in Fontainian, that was where the argument started. 

When I got ready, Alhaitham had changed a whole paragraph. One we had both agreed on was correct the night previously. It was a small argument, but he had done this on purpose. Why couldn't he have just took my word for it? I couldn't tell you, I was the one fluent in the language and raised with it. But Alhaitham insisted in the grammar being correct. In the end, it was my ego that was bruised and I was wrong. 

But I couldn't admit that, not during our argument-

"You just think I'm stupid huh?!" I yelled.

"No, Kaveh, you're just wrong, it was wrong, why can't you just accept that?" He scoffed.

"Because one of us is Fontainian and one is not-" I argued.

"Kaveh truly you've got a stick up your ass about this, I don't want to continue arguing-" He cut off, "Let's just move on, and finish the essay-"

"I cannot stand you-" I scoffed, "You've always got to be right, even if it's at the expense of our relationship-" I muttered. 

"How is you being unknowledgeable about Fontainian grammar an issue with our relationship?" He turned his head. 

"Because Alhaitham, you've always gotta be right even if it hurts me!" I yelled.

"Maybe don't be as sensitive to being wrong-" He scoffed, "And the problem wouldn't exist-"

"Maybe stop thinking correcting people is going to end with-" I paused, shifting my body language to imitate "Oh, I had no idea Alhaitham, thanks for letting me know this" I said nicely, mocking him, "Because normal people don't react that way!" 

"Thanks for letting me know I'm not normal" He commented, defeated.

"Oh, don't give me the sob story of your autism right now!" I laughed, was he actually fucking serious right now.

"I wasn't-"

"Oh sure, you don't understand social cues, so that gives you the right to be a fucking asshole when it's convenient for the argument!" I yelled, but by the time I realized how fucked up that was to say it was too late. 

His face was stone cold, "I guess that follows your fucking convenience in using your borderline to excuse fucked up shit like that huh?" He bit back the thoughts he was circulating. 

"Fuck you!" I screamed, "I'm so fucking done with you right now, trying to fucking manipulate the situation into your hurt, truly Alhaitham why don't you take a bow!" I laughed, putting up my arms, "You've successfully made it about you!" I clapped.

"Are you satisfied? Your nonexistent audience truly is cheering for you" He mumbled, turning back around. 

"I can't do this anymore, Alhaitham, you clearly don't give a shit about me…" I turned out the door, my hand pausing on the doorknob. 

Don't do it

"I'm done, Haitham… I want us to break up-"

I said it.

"Your impulsively matches my choice, let's end the relationship-" He turned to me.

Then came my abandonment wound.

"Oh, that's perfect, you're done with my shit huh?" I scoffed. "I'm too fucking crazy to deal with?!" I split, my nails digging into my fist.

"Yeah, actually…" He stood up, "I'm done dealing with your bullshit, constant fucking fight after fight and for what?" He scoffed, "Your fucking ego to be right?"

Stop- Don't-

"You know, Alhaitham-" I giggled and went straight faced, I was going to go there, "Your grandmother would be really proud of who you've become-" I breathed out, "A selfish Alpha obsessed! With himself!" I saw his face drop, his eyes dark. For once, Alhaitham was pushed to the point of breaking; he looked at me with hate. A dark murky haze set into his pupils, my heart dropped.

Tell him that he's treating you badly, tell him how you feel.

Do it.

"You've just held me back, hurt me and kept me here to entertain yourself… You never loved me!" I screamed, my hand shaking on the doorknob. 

"Kaveh, get the fuck out, get the fuck out before I say something that will destroy you-" His hand gripped on the back of his chair. "You've fucking crossed the line-" 

"You think you can order me the fuck around, I'm not your boyfriend anymore Haitham- Fuck you!" I snapped.

"Kaveh I'm seriously fucking begging you-" 

"Your parent-"

"Shut the fuck up!" He screamed, "Shut the fuck up Kaveh…" He said more calmly, "We're fucking done, that's it, leave me alone!" He snapped.

"You started this, our relationship is done because of you-"

"I'm sure your father is truly enjoying your delusions from the fucking grave, Kaveh-" He eyed me with ice in his stare. "I treated you the best I fucking could, you are the reason everything is gone-" He rolled his eyes at me.

Your fault? Is he fucking kidding? 

Bringing my father into it? Saying I'm crazy? You want to see fucking crazy? I'll show you crazy-

"Fuck you!" I slammed the fucking door so hard, it echoed through the dorms. "I fucking hate you!" I screamed in the kitchen, slamming down one of the chairs.

"Are you fucking done? Get out, go fucking calm down! Your going to get the Mantra called on us!" He said from the door. "I cannot with you! Get out!" He yelled.

"I fucking pay for this dorm too I can do as I fucking please!" I yelled, my whole body shaking.

"Fine!" He yelled, going back into his room, I heard some shuffling. My legs taking me to the front of his door, more movement came from in the room. I went to open the door, my heart beating so loudly.

"Where are you going?" I asked, a few packs filled with with clothes and studies. 

"My grandmother's house, I'm going there for the rest of the finals-" He shoved boxers into his backpack, "I'll finish that essay and expect you'll be mature enough to do the conversation for the Fontainian final-" He stared at me, grabbing the last few bags. He stomped past me, my body quivering as he grabbed the front door.

"We're fucking done! I'm so fucking done-" 

Slam.

He left just like your mother did. Just like everyone does.

Isn't that right Kaveh?

No one can stand you-

Alhaitham can't even stand you. He can't at all. 

Actually, fuck him.

He doesn't fucking deserve you. You deserve better-

You can find someone else-

Somebody who will actually appreciate you.

Yeah, I'm graduating, I don't fucking need this, I can handle it all myself. He can fuck off, I can do whatever I want now. Sleep with whomever I want I don't care. I looked in the mirror at myself, the manic setting in. 

It was worse then, my splitting I hadn't even processed Alhaitham was gone. I took scissors to my hair that night, giving myself a short layered cut; dying it dirty blonde like when I was 12. I was different, on cloud 9 when it was over, it wasn't good. I had gone to a party that night, slept with the first guy I saw. Then I threw up, my body rejecting everything, the sex was horrible due to my mark. It was a disaster to say the least, that week the only time I saw Alhaitham was for our final. He didn't even look at me, just did the essay, and the verbal final. Leaving the class after it was done. I went into depression after that.

My borderline had convinced me he would be worried enough to talk to me. That he would smell the other Alpha on me and get jealous, possessive and take me back. None had happened. My expectations were broken, that's when I moved back in with my mother. I became extremely suicidal to the point of always needing support. Alhaitham was the love of my life. Even when I dated the man that abused me, everytime I thought of him. Everytime I wish he would come back. 

I begged for a situation like this to happen. Im not sure if I manifested this, or some kind of destiny occurred, but I do know I'm grateful. Even at the horrible timing, I truly knew in the end things would work out. If I hadn't said those things, we'd have a life so much faster. I'd be married to him, we'd be so happy. That's the part that destroyed me. The part that was tearing me from the inside, screaming from the pit of my stomach. The guilt that followed my throat to my lungs.

It was my fault

I knew that.

As Alhaitham talked about his mental breaks, his processing in seconds; I listened to how I hurt him. How much he wished to go back but he couldn't; how he knew I slept around after us. How he loved me, even though I hurt him, how much that hypocrisy plagued his mind. He told me how much he wanted me to be with someone else, because I was never happy with him. He talked about thoughts he had of me walking down the aisle with someone else, the bittersweetness that came with it. His loneliness over the years, the quiet house driving him insane. 

He talked about the reason I never saw Adam again in Sumeru City. He had personally threatened him to leave or he'd get involved. Of course, Adam ran for the hills Alhaitham winning the situation. He loved me, but from afar, Tighnari being his confidant. He got all information about me from him, even when I had become homeless. When I spiraled, when I slept around in Fontaine, when I was being abused. He knew it all, but knew he couldn't get directly involved. All I did was burden him, but like Alhaitham is…

You could never be a burden to me sunshine.

I held him so close as he cried and I sobbed, my heart beating so slowly. My arms gripping tighter as I wished this would never end. I loved him so much, my heart ached for 4 years for him. It yearned to be held and touched by him. Even like this, any way I could; his touch just as gentle and calm as before. My face buried in his neck, the whispers of sorries, and soft sniffling managed the awkward quietness of the room. I could feel his breath, his arms, his soft pecks. 

Oh Merci, Archons…

I love him so much.

Please don't let me mess this up, please…

Please let me have him.

I stared into his eyes, pittered breaths, and a wipe away of tears…

I kissed him.

Chapter Text

"Sprout? Sprout?! Where are you?" Her voice called to me, I was staring into the mirror. It had been 4 years since I quit the Academia, my panic setting in as I got ready in my uniform. 

I dropped out due to bullying, in reality I lied and said I was too overstimulated to handle it. That the Academy was too much for me with my autism. 

The truth was I waited for my bully to drop out, often when I was initially admitted; he used me as an example, to point out differences. He was jealous of my intelligence, but took it out by displaying my support classes. Everyone knew I was the autistic kid that went to the quiet room then. That my bulky headphones were due to my issues. He even got other kids to scream in my ears and take my things to watch me freak out. He enjoyed watching me hit myself and flap my hands. He'd kick me when I was down, he was 12 and I was only 9. 

I cried about it a lot, thought about how much I should just not exist. It would be better on everyone that way, but nowadays, I don't feel that anymore. I feel confident in myself, I won't interact with people again. That it will save me from the same fate. My grandma will be the only one I'll let in, then I can't be manipulated into a friendship when it's a bully. 

"Sprout-" My grandmother came in the room, adjusting my robes. "Oh dear, you look so handsome… just like your father-" She smiled, a soft kiss placed on my forehead. 

"Jadda… please-" I got red with embarrassment. 

"Oh don't be embarrassed, one day you'll miss your Jadda's kisses-" She held my face. I was 13 now, far too old to be given kisses from a granny.

Too old for any of this.

"Your Baba and Ommah, they'd be so proud… you had a bumpy road at first, but you'll be successful…" She straightened my overjacket, smiling at my face as she sighed.

"Do I look nice?" I asked, worried a little, my headphones were far less noticeable now, just some normal over-ears in my comfort color. 

"Alhaitham you look amazing, no need to worry-" She started to walk out.

"I mean, do I look-" I cut off her actions. "Do I look autistic?" I questioned.

She laughed awkwardly, "No one, looks autistic sweetheart-" Her smile confirmed what she said.

"Alright" I whispered, following behind her. I was terrified, terrified people would remember me, that his friends would assault me again. She handed me my lunch for later, and gave me a small kiss again on my cheek as I went out, walking to the Academy by myself. 

My fears were halted when I realized his friends hadn't remembered me. I only got smiles and soft whispers passed me as I entered the halls. I was hit with a wave of relief, the only people bothering me were my professors. Making sure to talk about my accommodations, and recommending me the library as a quiet space for me. I liked the halls of books I could read. I often just went there to eat my lunch, remising the quiet of the place.

My headphones playing my favorite techno songs and normal hip hop ones I enjoyed. This went on for 4 weeks, those weeks I was uncovered, not talked to. I had almost read through all the language books offered by the library, focusing on class-like material. I learned best textually, reading through book after book. My classes were at the top, no need to second guess my studies, I practically did it for fun. 

Being alone was the way I preferred, I loved it; until this girl sat next to me, she had beautiful long brown hair, soft freckles, and a bright smile. The largest doe eyes you've ever seen. I was confused when she started to sit next to me, every day. 

Did she want friendship, alliance? Did she want to just study? Was I a comfortable person to be around? Why did she sit here? Well, when you have a question Alhaitham you just ask.

So I did, I found out she had a crush on me, I also found out a lot of the girls had crushes on me. It explained the whispers down the halls, and the blinding stares from them. Honestly I thought people were just making fun of me. Which I paid no mind to, as long as I wasn't being physically attacked, or my headphones ripped off. In all honesty I could give less of a shit what others said. But crushes? That was interesting…

I'm supposed to be presenting soon, Alpha or Beta were my options by genitalia. I never had felt these so called "crushes", maybe it was the lack of empathy, or emotion. Maybe I once again lacked something due to my autism. I've never felt my heart pitter, or my heart swell, I felt a small familial love for my Grandmother; but never like that. I didn't have urges to kiss other girls, or hold their hands. It disappointed my grandmother's hopes for great-grandchildren. But it was the way it was, maybe I could read up on love novels. 

So I compiled research.

The way women write about romance was directly different from men. It was more about feeling, the surroundings, smells, genuine memories and touch. While men wrote about their dream women, how they acted, looked, body's swayed, how full their lips were. They say women only care about appearances but it seems the opposite occurred within media and text. I much preferred the ones written by women, they were far more interesting than; I meet my dream girl, she's hard to get and then I marry her. Such simplicities in romance books should be banned; what bland creativity these male authors possess, it's humorous. 

As I continued to research I found myself at a halt. It always stopped at kissing, but what came after? Talk of souls attaching, making love, lying on a beds, ect. It made no sense, if that was the ultimate sacrifice amongst two individuals; I should know what it was. If I was to fall in love, how would I know extra? Do you just stop at kissing? What exactly could harbor such ethereal feelings? 

When I asked my grandmother she coughed up the dinner we were eating. Told me she wouldn't tell me until I presented. Which meant I had to take matters into my own hands. There's something everyone should know about me; don't withhold information from me, I'll find if one way or another. 

Even if it meant sneaking to the adult section of the books.

Which is exactly what I did, research about presenting. The Academia prided itself on having education classes after you presented. Never before, it wanted its students to be blissfully unaware. As harsh and conservative it was, it prevented teenage pregnancy. There were individual care doctors ready to give the lesson as soon as pre-heat/rut symptoms occurred. I was not one of those who would follow the rhetoric, I had to know. 

I walked past the librarian, not paying attention to the things they needed to. Bolting past the halls, I got to the section of sexual education, stuffing my bag as fast as I could. I walked passed the rows of books, halting at romance. 

I shouldn't risk it.

Fuck-

Fuck it-

I ran through the two rows, grabbing a few with women or omegan authors. As I continued to stuff as fast as I could, I heard footsteps. Zipping my bag, I hurried down the way opposite, turning to go behind the bookshelf. I panicked looking down, I bumped onto someone, falling against the side of the shelf. Great a bruise, I looked up, bracing myself for the worst.

"Sorry" He mouthed, bright red eyes, dirty blonde hair, slightly taller than me.

"Uh-" I gripped my backpack.

"Wait, you're the advanced kid on my chemistry class-" He stated, looking me up and down, my half-open bag revealing my secret.

"Yeah-" 

"Who knew a goody-two-shoes smart guy would be scrambling for romance sex novels-" He giggled, talking softly. 

"I-" I shut my mouth trying to go past him, my heart beating loudly with anxiety.

"Hey, don't worry I'm here for the same thing-" He showed his book, "No need to be afraid, we're accomplices in crime-" He whispered.

"I'm here for research, nothing else-" I stated, walking past him finally. 

"Hey!" He whispered-yelled, I turned my head. "Is that any way to address your senior?" He asked, "Its Kaveh- Senior Kaveh to you-"

"That's great, it's unfortunate to meet you, Senior, goodbye-" I turned my heels, I heard aspirated offended sighs and a gawk behind me. I needed to get out of here, no time for small talk when I have about 12 books in my bag that would have me destroyed. What was wrong with that guy? Who makes small talk in the sexual-romance novel section-

An idiot, that's who.

I rolled my eyes, running all the way home, I barely spoke to my grandmother. Luckily she went down for a nap, as I pulled out the first few books. I was hesitant at first, this would be the first time I've broken the rules. Despite that guy being an idiot, he was right. I was a goody two shoes. I always followed the restrictions put down on me, never rebelling. But this was different, I needed to know; I hesitated at the first book. My hands slightly shaking, I had anxiety about it. The first time I've ever felt nervous about learning something new. I could just put it back, wait until I presented to learn about that stuff. My mind circled at the option, no I was too stubborn. I opened the cover and flipped through the contents.

My eyes widened as I read the pages, 

This is how someone got pregnant? 

All I could think at the moment is how disgusting it was. It just got worse as I read what omegas had to go though, constant non-stop slick for a week, anytime you got aroused the week after more of that? Adding to the horrible experience you had to bleed like women do for 5-7 days. 

Alphas had it no easier, aggravation, erections that were painful. Some describe wanting to tear their own members off. Extreme dehydration along with their counterparts. Fangs were also part of presenting, they hurt to come in about 2 months after your first rut. The need to mark was unbearable, drives you insane to the point of breaking. You can't think of anything else but to get a counterpart pregnant, whether it was with an Omega, Beta, or Female Alpha. It made no difference, that's all your body craved.

I hope I'm a Beta at this point.

Betas were so easy to manage, if you were born with birthing genitalia, but male body structure; you'd only have chances of being a Beta or male omega. Females were harder to determine, only by X-ray could you determine if they were Alpha. Otherwise it would be by aggressive tendencies or slick by rut/heat that revealed their true presenting. Only female omegas could be impregnated by alpha females. Female alphas cannot impregnate male omegas, or female betas. As for impregnating genitalia, only options were Beta male or Alpha male. They could distribute and consummate anyone except themselves. 

The next book I read was societal and psychological constructs of the classes. The most ideal relationships in society were male alpha and female alpha, male alpha and omega female. Less ideal were female alpha with omega male. Society much looked down upon any females with and omegan male. They were meant for males under social construct. The psychology of Alphas and Omegas was even more interesting. 

Such as scent glands, they came with each of the counterparts. The glands produce an oil that only the other can smell. This is meant to calm children, soothe heats and ruts. Omegans in history scented each other to relieve bleeding, and after-heat symptoms. Parents are supposed to release pheromones from these glands to aid their children through their first rut or heat. Pheromones can make any omega submit, and can be very dangerous to their health. 

"Omegas are powerless in comparison"

I read the line over and over again, it seemed most unfair to be born that way. My grandmother even grew up a female omega. She was most in love with my Jiddi, a hardworking alpha that died before I was born. Her mark is still on her neck to this day along with the wedding ring. She loved him so much, and he never mistreated her. She taught me little about this except her values on how to treat Omegans with care and respect like my Jiddi. I think she knew I wasn't going to be a Beta. Which in hindsight, sucked after reading all of this.

I didn't want to be an Alpha, it sounded horrific and draining. Why would I want to be in pain? Or want to have urges such as those? It made no sense in actual hindsight. I was a level-headed individual, how could I loose my cool? It wasn't like me, so it was going to be interesting how my first rut was going to go. 

My grandmother said my father was a late bloomer, got his at 15. Most if not all of my classmates were assigned already, a lot of them already presented 2 years ago. Guess that leaves me being ahead in classes. Everyone knew about this around me, so maybe learning gave me footing to fit in?

Highly doubt that.

I moved on to read some of the romance novels I picked out. Despite the horrifics of what I read, the words I calloused in my mind from these were much different. Talk of love, and joy filled the pages, the vulnerability of giving yourself up to someone who could hurt you. Pleasure that you've never felt before, the feeling of being inside someone like that. That's what souls coming together had meant; the beauty of making love. Of course there was no reaction on my end to any of this. Reading women's writing about the ordeal hadn't intrigued me. When I started reading the male authors something had changed, suddenly my face felt hot, my heartbeat increasing. I felt.

Tingly? 

My boxers were tight, I gulped up my reality for a little bit. Texts containing broad shoulders, slim waists, sharp jawlines; characteristics of an Omegan man. I was experiencing the effects of arousal. I was attracted to something. It all made sense suddenly, I tried to force myself to like girls. Ever since I was younger, I wanted to make my grandmother happy. I wanted to have that picture perfect life, with an Omegan woman, kids and a nice job. I wasn't attracted to girls, not even in the slightest. I was gay, well, by definition. 

I also found men with impregnating genitalia attractive also. Beta men ignited something inside me that couldn't be denied, I was a homosexual. That thought process concluded my research, at least, I wasn't asexual like I had theorized. The hypothesis was in my pants, and in my cheeks. I closed the books, sighing gently away. 

I decided to take a cold shower to make whatever was happening stop. By the time I gently took care of it I realized it was much faster that way. I couldn't face my Jadda after this, I felt so embarrassed. I was a degenerate, a fool who thought they could run from the truth. I was a faggot, which was really mean to call myself, but I might as well get used to it. It wouldn't be long before people started that. As I pulled myself from the shower and entered my room again, I was met by more guilt. 

The books were gone.

I sighed out in frustration, why couldn't I just be sneaky and had hid them while I was in the shower? God, I was fucking dumb, but had the brain of a genius. It was difficult to tell myself why I hadn't thought of that. I heard the usual creak of the recliner. A small stare down the hallway. I was in deep shit.

“Alhaitham, get dressed and come to the livingroom!” My grandma called out. 

I shut the door and got dressed in my normal house attire. Cursing myself for being so damn stupid in the long run. I was too distracted by the news I had found out about myself. I opened back up the door, ready for the talking to I was about to get. As I passed down the hallway I entered the livingroom, her back was to me, the books splayed out on the coffee table.

“Come sit-” She turned to me, anger on her face. 

I sat down in the couch across from her. Looking away from the things presented, I knew what I did was wrong. But I couldn't help it, I had to know.

“You deliberately disobeyed me” She stated, “Alhaitham, I'm disappointed in your decisions-”

“I don't understand what was so bad about me knowing-” I blurted.

“You're supposed to wait-” She sighed, “I wanted to be the one that told you, not some books-” She motioned her hands to them.

“Well, I understand books better than peo-”

“Books are people, Alhaitham…” She cut me off, “I don't even know what these have taught you!” She threw up her hands, “They could be biased information-”

“And you're not biased?” I raised a brow.

“Alhaitham, do not get an attitude with me!” She raised her voice, “I wanted you to be guided to be a good man, to take care of your mate!” She looked away, “I don't even know if these talk about what right and wrong-”

They didn't, it was just information about sex. Whatever right and wrong she was speaking about, it didn't state in the books. It only talked about how omegas are helpless, and can be overpowered. That they can be demanded with Alpha commands.

“Do you even know about right and wrong?” She asked.

“Uh…” I looked away to think, “The books didn't mention things that were wrong or right… it was just informational…” I bit my lip.

“Nothing on sexual assault?” She looked concerned, “And these are in the library!” She scoffed.

Sexual assault? How could you assault someone sexually? Didn't everyone just deeply desire things like this?

“You know nothing about consent?” She asked, I shook my head. “Wow, for beginners books, these are destructive to young readers!-” She got angry again, “Why did you disobey me?” Her stare held daggers.

“I was curious…” I mumbled, “You never withhold information like that from me” I pouted, “I'm capable of understanding, I don't understand why you wish to keep me ignorant” I looked at her. 

She sighed, a wave of understanding hitting her, “You felt, controlled to learning, is that what you're saying?”

“Yes”

“I do not try to control you Alhaitham…” She mumbled, “I try to not let you grow up so fast-” A sigh escaped her lips, “You've always been older, always understood things that take others until they're mid-30s to comprehend” She started, “I want you to enjoy being a teenager, to learn for yourself how these-” She gestured to the romance books, “feel, not knowing things already-” 

“I understand, but…” I looked to the side, “I don't regret not having a childhood… I don't regret learning.” I stated, “I don't regret finding out what I've learned today-” I smiled, “I learned I was normal, like these books” 

She smiled slightly, “Do you wish to learn what is right?” She asked.

“Yes” I notioned.

She explained to me briefly on what was the most traumatic thing for a woman or omega. To be taken advantage of; to be overpowered and sexually abused. Why rape is horrible, and tears someone from the inside out. How you'd rather be dead than experience that again. Suddenly, these books seemed to be quite the misinformation. It informed young alphas they can overpower anyone, that they can take what they deem fit.

I could never do something like that.

I never told my Jadda I was gay, I never told her about how I felt reading those. I returned the books secretly, not wanting any attachments to myself. I would bury this part of me with this. No one could find out, or I could get bullied again. It was my biggest fear to be bullied, if I just kept everything a secret, what could go wrong? 

It's not like anyone knew me.

Chapter Text

Soon, everyone knew me, girls found me attractive; this meant by proxy guys wanted to be friends with me. This was the first time so many people wanted a friendship, most to just use me to get closer to girls. But it was nice to feel someone cared about me, even if it was fake. Everytime I went to the library, these guys would follow me. Questions of how I kept my face so clear, and how my hair was styled every morning were normal questions everyday. 

Everytime I just wanted to be in the library alone

These motherfuckers wouldn't take the hint. So much so I started being rude to them, I needed my wind down time. Soon enough a lot started to take the passive-agressiveness in the library as a sign. The only few that stayed were scholars and study nerds. Which I didn't mind the company, as we helped eachother study a lot. 

As the weeks continued I developed a lot of acquaintances. Or people I let around me for a while. We talked of special interests, different language courses, ect. Nothing too personal. This was the time Tighnari had become close with me. We conversed a lot about fungal language and behaviors. Mainly I think the relationship was based on learning information about our knowledge. I learned a lot about forest management and dendro influences within that. Not exactly on my major, but I still enjoyed learning about the forest and its caretaking.

It wasn't until a week later that Tighnari's best friend noticed we were hanging out together. Then he decided to join in on Friday lunch days. Kshahrewar students were known to be fruitful in conversations; as in, take over the conversation. Which, is something his friend did, Tighnari never seemed to mind when this would happen. But I did, I didn't enjoy the constant talking and babbling as I tried to study.

Then came the day Tighnari wasn't there. It was just me, and his best friend. Little did I know why Tighnari wasn't there, still-

“Do you know where Tighnari is?” He asked, his red eyes slowly blinked in confusion. 

“Uh, no… He's usually here” I kept reading my pages.

“Hmm…” He shrugged, looking down at me book, he stared at my face a little too long. I hated stares, they made me uncomfortable, unmanaged. “I can see why you're popular-” He started.

Tch-

“Why's that?” I asked in annoyance, looking at his face finally.

“You're handsome, that's why-” He said matter-of-factly, like another day of conversation. 

“Despite my appearances I'm as boring as they come, so attractiveness does not matter-” I went back to my book.

“Are you really boring or are you just secretive?” He sat his face on his hands, I looked over, staring at him back.

He read through me like a book.

“I'm… just boring-” 

“You're kinda unsure about that statement, are you trying to convince me?” He giggled, I rolled my eyes back.

“Nope, just boring-” I shook my head, going back to my studies. 

“I'm not convinced” He smirked, “You know I've been trying to understand you for some time now, the way you act, talk… avoid eye-contact…” He rocked in his chair, “I bet you have a lot of secrets… you're just afraid to open up-” He smiled again. 

How was this guy so damn perceptive?

“I don't really hide anything, people just don't ask-” I awkwardly adjusted in my chair.

His face lit up slightly, “I heard you used to go to this school before, but you stopped and came back, why is that?” He shook his head in confusion.

“People are saying that?” I asked, fear hitting me. 

What if everyone knew?

“No, I just asked a professor about you, they said they were glad to have you back, so I was wondering-” He looked in my eyes with concern, “What happened?” 

A wave of relief hit me in that moment, ignoring the question I went back to studying. I wanted to avoid this question, I wasn't going to open up to a stranger about my trauma. It was weird and exhausting.

The senior looked down and back up, “They say you're extremely smart, the youngest to join the Academy ever…” He trailed, “If its not too much, I'd like to get to know someone as amazing as that-” He said, I met his eyes, there was genuine feeling behind them.

Why did I suddenly trust him so much?

“I struggle with studies a lot, even though I'm the top of my grades, I guess ADHD does get the best of me-” He trailed, suddenly it made sense why it was so easy to talk to him. “Tighnari is my friend, but I feel like I could have more, I mean… he's really focused like you, I guess it's way better to be with people who share interests-” He mumbled on, “Guess a touch of the Tism and nerds can really mingle together-” He laughed, stopping in his tracks. “Crap, I just outed Tighnari and myself, sorry-” He covered his mouth. “God, when I talk I can never stop talking-”

Tighnari had Autism like me?

He can deal with so much though, all the sounds and over-stressing. It made so much sense how we could just talk and talk, and never stop sharing information. As for Kaveh, he seemed stressed and overwhelmed by the conversation. 

“I have Autism too…” I told Kaveh, “So don't worry I'll keep his secret safe” I smiled slightly. 

“Oh?” He chimed, “Oh!” His eyes blew wide in realization, “That… explains a lot-” He giggled, “So you're not just ignoring me? You're overwhelmed-”

“Uh…” I paused, tell the truth, “it's actually both, I thought you were annoying… but understanding now, I don't think so-”

“You thought I was annoying?” He pouted, “I try my best not to be!” He shouted, a few shushes surrounded us.

“I don't think that anymore, now I understand it's not something you can control” I stated, “You're great Kaveh, don't worry… “ I smiled, trying to reassure him. 

“Alright…” He looked down, “Sorry if this is weird, but are you the junior I saw in the adult section? That question has been driving me insane since I've sat here-” 

“Yes, I was, don't mention it again… it was purely for research-” I sighed.

“Oh” He looked down, and away, “So you don't sneak more of those books?” He whispered.

God fucking dammit.

“No…I-” I couldn't lie.

“You do!” He chuckled, whispering softly, “Me too though-” 

“I find this conversation quite embarrassing and uncomfortable-” I told him sternly.

“Oh! Nevermind, sorry!” He smiled, “Well anyways I knew you were secretive when I was you sneak those… so it was a perfect observation-” 

In fact, it was.

“What do you find intriguing about talking with me so much?” I asked, getting annoyed.

“I want to be you friend? Is that too much?” He asked, his eyebrows knitting in anger. 

Friend?

“Why would you want to be my friend?” I asked.

“I think, we just connect well… like, I bet you have absent parent figures like me!” He jumped the gun, “Was I right?” He winced and opened an eye.

Was he some kind of psychic?

“I uh…” I couldn't answer that question. My mother and father had been gone for almost 10 years. They both died in a horrible accident, coming back from Fontaine. I never thought about it much, since I barely remember them.

He looked in my eyes, “Kinda wish I wasn't right for both of our sakes-” He bit his lip.

“My parents died when I was young, I'm not really upset by it… I was only 4” I stated, “I have my grandmother, so I'll be fine-” 

Kaveh's jaw dropped, he looked away, pouting slightly before going back up, “I'm sorry about that, I shouldn't have forced you to talk about it… if it makes you feel better, my dad died when I was 5…” He shared, I guess he was right, we had quite a bit in common. I had never opened up about any of this with anyone. 

Everyone except Kaveh.

He knew me only by one interaction, which, was incredibly abnormal to me. Almost as if the universe was choosing for us to become friends. I stared over at him, his continued babbling about his past that he couldn't stop himself, almost like a spilling gallon. 

“How about we talk about surface-level things?” I stopped him, his face bloomed in embarrassment.

“Sorry, I overshare a lot-” He pouted.

“That's why I stopped you-” I began, “What's your favorite color? Let's start with that” I smiled softly, friends had to know basic things like this, right?

“Oh, it's red, and gold… I really like those colors-” He lit up, “And you?”

“Turquoise or teal are my favorites… any bluish green really-” I trailed, “What about food?”

“Soup, oh, and anything cheesy, which is ironic because I'm lactose intolerant-” He pushed his hair behind his ear. 

“Oh-” I mumbled, “I like cheese too… my favorite is this pizza dish of a soup-” I looked off, “I like coffee too”

“What's your favorite cheese?” He asked.

“Parmigiano…” I stated, “You?”

He licked his lips in thought, “I love soft cheeses, like camembert or brie-” 

“I like brie with a good summer sausage… or dried meat-” I agreed, “What about your favorite flower?” I directed eye-contact.

“Mourning flowers” He answered.

“I don't really have a favorite flower” I stated back, “They're all pretty to me” 

“Oh! What about dislikes?” He lit up, “Like, like…” He stumbled, “Like what's your least favorite food?” He held my shoulder.

“Uh, least is…” Well, this was complicated, “its… soup” I mumbled.

“Oh! Why? There's so many!” Kaveh defended.

“Lack of motor skills when I'm reading-” I stated, “I often spill it all over myself, I've had one too many books ruined-”

“Oh, that checks out…” He trailed, “What's your least favorite activity?”

“Socializing” I answered, looking at him.

“Ah… I see-” He awkwardly looked away.

“You're not a bother though, I'm enjoying our talk” I stated.

He smiled, looking back at me for a second, but then looking down, “Well, uh… my other question was what is your presenting?” 

I guess that qualified as surface level.

“I'm not presented yet” I answered, “My options are beta or alpha though” I hindered to him.

“Oh, right I keep forgetting you're 13… not 15 to 16 like the rest of us-” He giggled, more like an awkward chuckle. “You're so mature it's hard to notice I'm the senior here-”

“You're taller than me though-” I argued, “And much more, I guess-” I looked at his figure, developed.

“You guess?”

“Reached puberty… is my best approach at saying that-” I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

“I'm an omegan male, if that answers you doubts-” He jumped to guess. 

He was right, I was pondering that.

“Ah, so you've gone through heat, my condolences” I sighed with empathy.

“Condolences indeed, and I'm recessive so it's really bad-” He babbled, “Sorry if this conversation is awkward-” He pouted.

“Not at all I'm actually curious about the affects of hormones-” I concluded. 

“Oh? The research right!” He lit up, “So you were actually trying to learn?” He whispered.

“Yes, well… the romance ones… they weren't part of the research” I admitted, I don't know why we were back to this conversation. But, in all honesty I was curious, too much so to avoid the embarrassment. Kaveh was more than willing to spill such intimate details about his life. This, would just be more learning for me. 

Was that wrong?

“I like romance novels too, the way they describe love…” He looked down, a blush hit his face like a glowing light. “I wish I could experience that-” He rocked in his chair gently. 

“It does sound lovely” I agreed, “Love I mean-” I coughed awkwardly.

“I bet you've got the hearts of so many ladies at your feet, it's hard to choose who to pick-” He hit my arm in encouragement, “The girls never stop talking about you”

“I don't love any of them-” I argued, “Truly I'm disinterested in romantic relationships, gets in the way of my studies” I looked at my books in mention. 

“Studious man, you'll make a lot of money when you graduate, and I bet you'll be even more attractive by then-” He smiled, “Girls are gonna want to husband you up by then-” 

“Ah, I suppose so… then I'll consider it when the time comes-” I cut off. 

“You have to tell me your secrets with how you get so many-” He interjected.

“You sound like the popular kids who hogged me for answers weeks ago”

“Pleeease~” He pleaded, hands folded in front of me.

“There's nothing…” I said, “I don't do anything but not talk and apparently be handsome-” I stated, his pleading eyes stopped.

“Really?” He sounded offended, 

“Yes, women love mystery I guess-” I shrugged. ”I'm not anything special really” I argued.

“I think you've got personality-” He smiled, “And, you're easy on the eyes” He complimented, “No homo though, you've got a lot to bring to a lady's table-” His hands folded over his chest with a nod. 

“You do as well” I stated, “I mean, omegan males usually prefer alphas, but you seem to prefer women?” I questioned. 

“I uh-” He flushed extremely red, “I don't mind either way… My preference is with men though” He stated. 

“Ah… so you do” I looked him up and down. “Any man would be lucky to have you” I noted, it was true though. He had gorgeous features, beautiful ash blonde hair, soft skin, pretty smile. His eyes lit up a room, truly he could marry rich with those looks. 

“I don't think I look that great” He was awkward.

Reassurance. Alhaitham, that's the correct response.

“No homo back, but you're gorgeous as well-” I said matter-of-factly. “These Alphas are boys right now, a lot of them only chasing women by ego, your time to shine will be soon” I nodded. 

“You think I'm gorgeous?” He teased.

“I mean!” I interjected, “Its an acute observation, you're good-looking I mean no connotation behind that” I deadpanned. 

“Alhaitham thinks I'm pretty” He sat his face on his hands, mockingly.

“I- I don't mean-” I was sure to be flushing red.

“Just kidding!” He giggled, he touched his akasha, sighing out, “Well, lunch is over unfortunately-” He said to me, a small smile, “I wish to talk to you again, Haitham” He grabbed his school bag.

Haitham?

“I uh…” I was so caught off guard, and dysregulated, “Sure” I blurted.

“Sure to lunch being over? Or hanging out?” He asked.

“Hanging out, sure to that” I clarified. 

“Alright, I'll see you, monday?” He pondered out.

“Sure” I nodded, he hit my back lightly to say goodbye. 

“Bye Haitham~” He giggled, walking away to his class.

I had a friend.

-

Days turned to weeks, weeks knowing Kaveh. I had learned so much from him during that time. He told me about his life, how he got here. Even despite everything he had been through, his smile still beamed like sunshine. He never thought badly about his life or situation even given the circumstances. I knew the rumors that circulated about Kaveh at this point. More like, the rumors of his mother rather than him. Even my Jadda knew about Faranak's odd behaviors. Kaveh kept so calm through all of it, focusing on his studies rather than his situation. He always knew what to do to ignore everything. This became a pattern during our weekend hangouts. 

My Jadda thought Kaveh was trouble at first like his mother. But she knew he was just a wounded baby, through time she accepted him. Seeing that he was nothing like her, his attitude was studious as she claimed. We always spent the first hour of our time studying our classes. What ranged after that was often sharing our love for different books. We raved about the latest releases, past ones; and new texts we came across. Honestly, our tastes in pages were the one thing we had in common. We also both loved chess, both loved cooking, sunsets, the ocean, kickball; somehow fashion was also an argument but like a friendly debate we enjoyed. I said one thing but multiple things came to mind as I continued. Kaveh was my best friend, well, the first friend I ever had. 

Today was the day we were supposed to hang out, he said he'd be here by hour 13. Well, it was hour 15 by now, my Jadda still preparing dinner for 3. I waited in the livingroom for him to knock, budge or even sometimes if the door was open he'd just come in. Stimming helped the anxiety of everything, maybe he had decided he didn't want to be friends anymore. Highly unlikely, that was my nerves talking, he wasn't like someone to ghost you. 

Another 30 minutes passed.

I knew my grandma would be done with dinner soon. She was looking forward to having Kaveh over for dinner. He was always her favorite, even if I was supposed to be. I looked at my watch again, 15:45. Maybe I needed to go to his house and possibly wake him up. He could be taking a nap during all of this. I told my Jadda I would be back in a bit, since I knew where he lived. It was a short walk to his house from here. 

As I continued through Sumeru city, I picked up a few peaches for us to share. Still wondering why he didn't come to my house, I stumbled over to the destination. I heard screaming from his house. Soft cries could be heard from what sounded like Kaveh. I rushed to the door, giving it a few knocks before Faranak had opened the door to see me. She rolled her eyes softly, you could smell the liquor on her lips. 

“Your fucking boyfriend is here, you got anything else to say whore?!” She screamed over, “Fucking always seducing-” She trailed.

I looked at her with a dead cold stare, one that shook her to her core. She was silent, abiding as Kaveh grabbed his things quickly before running out of the house. She scoffed audibly. 

“Kaveh will remain at my place for the next few days” I said as a clear statement, unarguable. 

“Good maybe he can try sleeping with you instead of my boyfriends-” She eyed him, slamming the door in our faces. 

Kaveh sobbed quietly, holding my hand tightly as he ever could. He was shaking, his body in full flight mode, my face contorted in sorrow. I never had seen him like this. His face was blotched red, his arm had a bruise on it. Tears continued to stream down his face. I pulled him with me to get to my house, that's what I needed to do in this moment. The whole way Kaveh could say nothing but breathed sorries, apologies that he didn't need. 

I held his hand tightly as we got to my grandmother's door. He pulled away softly, shaking his head. “I can't bring my baggage to your Jadda-” He sobbed, I eyed him in disbelief.

“Kaveh you're being abused, you need to stay here where it's safe-” I said. 

“She's too nice, you're too nice… I'm just broken Haitham-” He cried harder, “You- you never needed to see me like this-” He hitched his breath. 

“I am fine seeing you like this-” I stated wholeheartedly. “Best friends are supposed to support each other-” I argued. 

“I'm a burden Haith-” He cut off, “I'm a burden to everyone-” He sang to himself like a song, “I shouldn't be alive-” 

I caved slightly, I hugged him tightly, “You are not a burden-” I whispered, “You are not a burden when you need help” I comforted him, “No one can be a burden like this” I mumbled, “Not when you're hurting this badly” 

“Haith- Haitham-” He sobbed hard in my arms, the wall finally coming down from him, his hands grasping at my back. His tears soaking my shirt as he cried, thick hurdled screams separated them. I ran my fingers through his hair, his grip on me was inseparable. 

“Its okay” I whispered, petting his head. “Its okay, you're safe-” I sighed out, trying to hold back my own tears. I was once like Kaveh too, wishing I was dead, wishing if I could just go away things would be better. I felt empathy to him, to his situation, my hug becoming tighter. I just needed help, I needed support in this situation; and that's what Kaveh needed in this moment. Soon, his cries became quieter as I soothed him through it. I guess I was good at comforting others, something I had no idea about. 

I think my grandma had come out at some point to see what the fuss was about. But I had my back turned to the door the entire time. Kaveh was much more calm now, but he was docile, acting childlike with me as I lessened the hug. “We have to go eat now, alright?” I told him, he nodded softly.

“Alright” He replied, wiping his tear stains away. I walked into the house, the food out of warmers for us. Kaveh started to tear up again, afraid to be a burden. But I held his hand firmly, looking back in reassurance. We sat down at the table, my Jadda smiling softly at him. 

“Are you alright child?” She looked at him, serving up the curry finally. 

“I-” He paused, his eyes letting go of the water that sat there. Kaveh was sobbing again, afraid to say anything. 

“Shh, shh-” My Jadda rubbed his shoulder, comforting him gently. His tears continued to erupt from his lids, his face turning blotchy again. Whatever he was crying from, it was really bad, horrible maybe. But my Jadda handled him well, wiping his tears as he begun to shake. His body convulsed in little patterned jumps that matched the elevation of his fits. He held himself tightly as his eyes darted softly. “My child, you are in distress, you're exhibiting hormones out-”

“I'm sorry-” He sobbed, holding himself away, he looked at me and mouthed the same thing. 

I can't even sense anything.

“Don't worry Alhaitham cannot feel anything, and there's no need to apologize-” She wrapped her arms around him, petting through his hair. He calmed down again, looking over at me as if I could have a reaction. “Oh dear” She mumbled.

“I-” Kaveh got upset again. 

“Alhaitham please prepare the guest bedroom quickly” She motioned with her hands, I got up on command; getting new sheets from the hall closet. I changed the sheets, dusting a little bit and came back out to the livingroom. I was feeling dizzy, uncoordinated, almost as if I was intoxicated. 

“Alhaitham, are you okay?” Kaveh asked, tears dried up from previously. He stayed in my grandmother's arms for a moment before coming over. 

“Alhaitham?” My Jadda called, I was so hot, physically burning, it was stressful everywhere. 

Alhaitham?

More people called, my Jadda holding me from fainting. What was happening? Why was I on the ground? My throat was dry, my eyes hurting, the migraine was too much. This was far worse than a headache, or my normal stress aches. 

“I feel-” I tongued my mouth, dry as the desert.

“I'm so sorry-” Kaveh mumbled, holding my hand.

“Lets get you to the bedroom-” My Jadda got me up, the smell of patchouli and lavender were so strong. It was calming, blissful, I had never smelled such strong scents in my life. 

Headache, body aches, new scents that are unrecognizable, my pants were tight-

I was exhibiting my first rut.

“Shh it's alright I know it's scary-” My Jadda set me on the bed, holding my hands. 

“How did this happen?” I mumbled, “it was so…” I trailed my brain hurting, “random”

“Kaveh unfortunately was exhibiting distress hormones out, I'm not sure if that triggered it-” My Jadda paused, “They're really effective to trigger an… well, alpha” She caressed my cheek. 

The smell of honeysuckle stinged my nose, a Mantra playing in my head. My cheeks burned worse, my desire far greater. 

Fuck whatever that is.

My brain screamed, I looked over at Kaveh in the doorway. I couldn't do that to my friend, he looks so scared, how could I ever? I started tearing up, how could I ever take him for granted?

“Kaveh, please see yourself out, before you trigger yourself a heat-” My Jadda said firmly.

“Is he alright?” Kaveh said through broken words.

“He is fine” My Jadda confirmed, “He's going through his first rut, that is all” She felt my head, Kaveh exiting the room. “Oh dear you've got a bad fever-” She got up, “I'll have to get you some rut aids tomorrow from the shop-” She stepped out, going to get some ice from the fridge, I heard the door open, and close.

“Will he be alright?” I hissed through sitting up.

“Kaveh is okay, he'll stay in the other room for the next few days-” She took a cool cloth to my head. 

“It hurts-” I mumbled, “Everywhere-” I choked, I was so overstimulated.

“You need to care for your needs-” She eyed me, “The pain will subside if you do that-” Her eyes darted in cue. 

“Needs?” I mumbled out.

“Ahem! Your private area, needs to be taken care of-” She awkwardly mentioned, “Pain will subside significantly if you do that” She breathed out. 

“Okay” I sighed.

“I'm sorry my sprout, I'll leave you with some oil to handle everything-” She looked concerned, her smile just a small gesture of comfort. She went out the door with a click, the door locking. What exactly was the problem with the door being unlocked? I groaned in pain, looking at the oil and water left over. I chugged a lot of the water, my body immediately feeling less dehydrated. 

What was wrong with Kaveh? Why was he inhibiting such distress hormones out. I guess presenting was exactly as they said, a fucking headache, that's for sure. Presenting was also just as random and unexpected as the rest. I felt like I was hit by a boar, left on the ground to rot. The smell of honeysuckle was driving me insane, my brain was trying its best to ignore Kaveh's presence or the urge to comfort him in distress. It was like a call in my head, save him.

It called again and again, save him, hold him, fuck-

Archons I need to get a grip!

I looked down at my trousers, back at the oil, there was one thing I had to do. I was red at the tips of my ears. I would only think about the books I read that night, I grabbed the oil. My head was pounding, as soon as I started everything was 200x more manageable. After a few times tippling over I was able to sleep soundly. My dreams consisted of, well, what I had read in those books, they were so intense sometimes when I woke up I thought it was real.

By the 5th time I woke up, I had to repeat what I had done earlier. By this point, I wanted to tear my dick off for sure. It was raw, red and burned from the amount of times I had emptied out. I was personally sick of it. Why couldn't I wait another year? Why did my body decide now? 

Well at least I was normal. 

Most present by age 13, and I was that lucky number. Lucky enough for me to want to die from it. As I shifted around ready to go to sleep, I heard soft knocking on my door. I pulled up my stupid pants, it was probably my Jadda. As I got closer though, the smell of honeysuckle and jasmine hit my nose. Archons it was intoxicating, but I had enough wit to control myself.

I opened the door.

“You're alright-” Kaveh whispered out like a relief. 

“Yeah I'm just… going through it-” I mumbled

“My first was rough too-” He smiled, oh god, I feel like I'm going insane. I knew I didn't actually like Kaveh more than a friend, but my hormones were screaming for me to convince him sleeping together was a good idea. It was in fact not a fucking good idea, Alhaitham. 

“I feel like I'm going nuts-” I groaned out, itching the back of my head.

“It does feel that way” He darted his eyes to the side. His gaze clicked back and forth, almost if he was thinking. His look fixed with mine for a second, my eyes shifting away; eye contact was uncomfortable for me. Honestly, I felt like it was cringey to me. Like something out of a cheesy book, ‘ their eyes locked together’. What if eyes locking made you feel like fire was all over your body? Yeah you wouldn't want to do that. “Would you like to scent me?” He asked.

What?

I was definitely not expecting that. 

“Uh… I don't want to make you uncomfortable-” I grabbed the back of my neck. “Plus wouldn't that make you-” I looked down, “into heat? Or something?”

“I've had them for almost 3 years now… I can control myself-” Kaveh nodded in confidence. 

“I mean, I know the benefits… but it would leave you with my scent on you-”

“It'll go away-” Kaveh reassured.

It's almost as if he wanted this more than me.

“Okay, fine, come in-” I notioned, my bed was a mess, a bucket of cleanup water by it. This was so embarrassing in hindsight, but Kaveh was my best friend it's not like he didn't know what ruts went through. 

He sat down on the bed next to me, being this close, I realized something off about his scent. The smell of sandalwood gently sat there, not my grandmother's, “Is sandalwood your mother's scent?” I asked, Kaveh was frozen, stuck in place almost. He was quiet, the stench of distress kicking in.

“Lets just scent together, okay?-” He jumbled out, grabbing around my shoulders.

“No!” I pushed off slightly, “Tell me what's wrong-” I breathed. 

There was a new scent that lingered, sour and bitter. Like a slap to the face, and it was produced by Kaveh; and later I had found out was the smell of rejection. Something omegas emit when they feel they are rejected by the other class.

“Do you not like me?” He asked, teary eyed.

“I mean, not romantically-” I cleared up.

“No I mean as a friend- stupid!” He snapped, offended, I don't understand why he was so hurt.

“I do-” 

“Then why won't you scent me? You just agreed moments ago!” He whispered-yelled. He wiped his face from beginning to cry. 

Why was he so moody?

“I-” I mumbled on my words, “I feel like you're hiding something, like scenting me for a personal gain-” I mentioned to the conversation.

“Do you think I'm selfish like that? This is for you-” He gestured to me.

“Kaveh, you're getting defensive, just be honest with me, it's okay-” I grabbed his hand. 

He teared up, his eyes completely tumbling with crying that he was trying to limit. “Just, please-” He begged through wet cheeks, “Please, Haith-” He held me close, scenting my neck.

I caved slightly, pulling him very close to me, in all honesty, it helped tons with the rut symptoms. Kaveh sobbed in my shoulder, hanging onto me for dear life. “Shh, it's okay-” I sighed, running my fingers through his soft hair. “Its okay-” I hugged him tightly. 

“I'm sorry-” He cried out. “I'm so sorry-” He sobbed harder. “I don't mean to lie to you-” He mumbled, his voice breaking. 

“Hey, it's okay-” I lifted his face with my hands, wiping up his tears, “You had to lie for a good reason right? At least?” I asked.

“He-” Kaveh mumbled as if he couldn't say anything, “I know it's my fault, I shouldn't have worn those shorts-” He babbled on. “Maybe if I had dressed better-” He teared up more, the drops falling down his cheeks. 

“W-what?” I looked at him, the reality setting in, the distress hormones, wanting to be scented desperately. The scent of sandalwood and a hint of black pepper undertones. An Alpha had touched Kaveh, and not in the consensual way, although, that goes without saying due to the reaction. He continued to cry in little shakes, “Did he touch you?” I asked, Kaveh hid under his bangs, the crying harder. 

“I-Its truly my fault–”

“Was he an adult?” I questioned, I felt myself get angrier.

“I mean yes- but-” 

“He knew better” A harsh voice came out of me, I had never felt that tone ever escape. Kaveh pulled his knees to his chest, looking at me in fear; I don't know why or what just happened. “Its not your fault Kaveh-” I redirected my tone in the conversation, “It is not your fault, he was an adult, he can control himself just fine-” I mumbled on in anger. 

“Your Alpha tone is scary-” He gulped down his query with a mutter. 

“That's what that was?” I pondered.

“Yeah, that happens when you get your instincts in-” Kaveh was calming down, “I'm sorry I started this all for you- your rut and-”

“Its random, don't blame yourself, I could've been at the market and I could've gone into it-” I laid into the bed. “Your distress though, makes me want to protect you-”

He stared at me for a minute, “I'm no damsel in distress Alhaitham-” He shook his head, “This is just, an Omega's life y'know” He shrugged, tears building up, “We get taken advantage of” He muttered.

“I'll never do that to you” I said like a serious promise, “Let me know if anyone else hurts you like your mom's boyfriend, I'll make sure they pay for it” I felt that same tone come out, “Regardless if you feel like a damsel in distress-” 

“I don't want anyone to save me!” He snapped, “I don't want that guilt- you don't understand-” He started, “I don't want to ask anyone of anything ever again for my sake-” He was breathing in and out sporadically.

“Why can't you just accept-”

“My dad died because of that!” He wiped his tears away, “I won't ask others to do risky things for me again- I just…” His eyes fluttered, to dry them, “Just, accept that Haith, please-” He asked.

“Okay” I agreed but deep down I didn't agree. I wouldn't listen to him about this. But I wouldn't let him know I protected him. It was a wound to him, a deep cut of blaming himself for his dad's death. We talked about it a couple times, but his mother's words carved deeply into his brain. It was all his fault according to her. She couldn't be happy because of him; he was a whore if she was the one who brought bad men into the house. He was the reason for her depression, he caused the chaos within the house. She wasn't responsible at all. 

Kaveh told himself all these facts were true.

Even if they weren't.

“I just won't go around her boyfriend for now on-” He let the silence capture that reply. I laid there for a minute thinking, how could I help him? I couldn't compare to a grown man, nor try to fight one; I was puny to say the least. My eyes closed as I thought, truly all I could do is keep Kaveh here on the weekends. That would reduce the chances of him getting molested by ten fold. 

“I'm sorry Kaveh” I mumbled in empathy, “One day, we'll be old and I'll make sure no one touches you again, I promise” I sat up and looked at him.

“Promise me if we're both not married by 30 to some nice girls… We'll marry eachother-” He laughed a little, always like him to joke during a serious arrangement. 

“Sure, I wouldn't mind marrying your ass-” I held out to his pinky, locking them together.

“Promise?”

“Promise-” I finished the engagement.

“I'm so glad we're friends, you're the best thing that's happened to me” He smiled, the moment seemed so genuine, so childish. Maybe this is what my grandmother wanted, a normal friendship. Someone I could trust, someone, I could care about other than family. I cared for Kaveh more than anyone else in this world, maybe it was too much. Maybe, just maybe we were meant to be friends. I've never believed in fate, luck, or soul mates. But I'm pretty sure if I could compare what they write in the books to this…

It'd be platonic soulmates for sure. 

I'm glad too…

“Me too, Kaveh-”

-

Chapter Text

Much of the Akademiya was under wraps, people talking left and right, others gossiping about the latest news. Well, the news being that the school was having a spring dance, and teenagers mixed with this equation; led to specific disasters to happen. Broken hearts, confessions, light-hearted rejections, even Kaveh had gotten rejected by his crush. Lucky for me, this meant I was forced to go to the said dance with, Kaveh and Tighnari. My Jadda was more excited than I was, she jumped to me getting a formal outfit immediately. At least she had listened to my request of non-itchy tuxedos for my sensory to at least not go off the rails. It was a nice outfit, light gray with a teal undershirt, just like I had wished for.

In the last 6 months I had turned 14, gotten my official presenting ID, went through the classes; and developed fangs in my mouth. Not only that, I had grown to be about 5’10” in height, four inches taller than half a year ago. Now I was the same as Kaveh, truly it was funny how quickly I caught up, considering his favorite joke was my height compared to his. It was nice to see him and not have to look up at his face, I could just stare directly now. Adding to these new changes, I noticed something about myself in the recent predicaments considering Kaveh and I. How our relationship was far different from a friendship.

Tighnari was the first to point it out, how beckoning and starkly unique Kaveh and I’s relationship was. He had pointed out how Tighnari and I were never as close, or cuddly, or as dependent we were to each other. At first I argued, we were just best friends, and Tighnari and I were not as close; then he started pointing out how it wasn’t the same. Truly was I not identifying my feelings correctly? Were Kaveh and I acting like a couple and I hadn’t noticed? Was I just as blind to what was happening? 

Well, as soon as I figured out this problem it became apparent, that Kaveh always sat on my lap at lunch. He always held my hand down the halls, he always gave me hugs before we went back to our houses, and slapped my ass as a joke. None of which he did with any other friend, the closest being Nilou, whom he’d hug occasionally. When he talked about his crushes a certain sting always came into my throat, a twirling feeling in my gut. What I had finally figured out was envy, I was jealous of whoever had his heart. But, I wouldn’t tell him, Tighnari had told me Kaveh strictly viewed me as a friend. Which I was certain to keep to my grave, I wouldn’t tell a damn soul how I truly felt. 

How as soon as I clocked it all in, moments with my best friend became awkward. I would catch myself taking advantage of the moments that I could stare at Kaveh. That his red eyes would sparkle every time he explained something, or he’d bite his lip whenever he was thinking. He always blushed when he hit embarrassment, or when he was angry he’d get red like a tomato. His hair was turning more platinum as he got older, or as the year passed more like. Little things like this made me feel like a light hit my soul. Moments with him were getting more and more difficult to hide. I felt the way my heart pittered, my breath quickened, and how my mouth dried up; It was simply too much for my disability to handle. The whole week before the spring dance was exactly like this, cotton-mouthed moments that drove me insane. 

Moments I felt like heart attacks plagued my days. Nilou, Tighnari, Kaveh and I went out to find her a dress. So many times did Kaveh try to set me up with her, I still haven't told anyone I'm gay, it was better that way. Not much of the male omegas got teased for liking men; but if you were caught as an alpha, well, just ask how that went for them. So I tried to like Nilou, truly I tried.

But the fruits of my labor still failed.

Even if we were dates to the dance.

I had to be honest to this poor girl, even if it meant outing myself, because it'd be less of a blow; to find out your date is gay, rather than he's not interested. So after picking out a dress that was turquoise to match mine. I took aside Nilou to my house, let’s just say my grandmother was ecstatic. She loved Nilou, thought she was a nice girl, a girl that she approved I definitely deserved. My grandmother had went to the night market for dinner that night; almost felt like on purpose. 

Then the awkwardness set in, us sitting on the bed together, Nilou getting closer as the minutes passed. Her eyes sparkled, her smile screamed kiss me, and my dumbass just felt such pity. It’s Kaveh’s fault for being dense that this girl had the fattest fucking crush on me. 

“Haitham-”

Don’t call me that.

“Yes?” I say instead.

“Do you actually like me?” Her eyes go dull, like a night sea, like the world was punched out of her.

“I-” I can’t even defend myself, I can’t comfort her in the realization. 

“You don’t do you?” She sighed, looking away, tears formed into her eyes.

“There’s n-nothing wrong with you-” I stumbled, trying to defend myself.

“I just want to know, who she is…” Nilou looked at me with watery eyes, “Could you at least owe me that-”

I gulped down, I can’t believe that I was coming out to someone who was not even close to me. Truly I thought it would’ve been Tighnari, or even Kaveh for shit’s sake. “It’s not a she…” I sighed off. 

Her eyes flicked over, shock filled them instead, her mouth sightly open, her eyebrows curved in confusion, “You-” She stumbled on her words, she slightly scoffed, then a small giggle, “The hottest alpha in school, and you’re gay?” She smiled, “Really?”

“Yeah I guess it’s funny when you put it that way” I was slightly shaking. 

Her head shook slightly, her eyes went to mine, “It’s Kaveh, isn’t it?”

I looked away, she read me like a damn book, or was it not that hard to figure out considering how I acted with him. I nodded in place, too frozen to respond verbally, it’s always been him. I’ve always wanted him and it took me so long to realize. It doesn’t help he’s as dense as a iridium, or as clueless as his hair color.

“And he set us up…” She sighed, “God I love him but he’s really stupid-” Her hair shook with her head.

“Please don’t tell anyone yet-”

“Why would I do that to you?” Her eyebrows curved.

“I’m not sure, I just… I’ve been bullied before I don’t want it again” I started shaking slightly, she grabbed my hand, a genuine smile on her face. 

“Alhaitham, even though you’ve just broken my heart, I’d never do something like that to a friend, I know you’ve got distrust from the past, but I promise I’m nothing like that” Her eyes burned into mine.

“Thank you” I smiled back.

“Now, when did your crush start, I need to know-” She begged for an answer.

I felt heat hit my cheeks, “I'm not sure, I thought that feeling was just happiness, or closeness, not a crush-” I trailed, “Autism makes it hard to distinguish between them-” 

“Well-” She paused, “When did your heart start to flutter then?” 

“It was shortly after I presented, I think I chucked it up to hormones, like I thought everyone just felt that way-” I scratched my neck awkwardly. 

“Oh, that makes sense you would think that-” She hummed, “Hormones kind of make people well, y'know and that's terribly familiar to crushes-” She awkwardly played with her hair.

“Yeah, it didn't occur to me that it was only happening with Kaveh until about a month ago-” I chuckled slightly, more weird than I had anticipated. 

“He's very pretty-” She added, “Surprised he was rejected by that alpha-” Her head shook.

“I'll still go with you to the dance, I mean we got matching clothes-” I interjected randomly, “I don't want to embarrass you” My hands fiddled.

“Even though I have the biggest crush on you?” She bit her lip with a breathed laugh. 

“I just want you to have a good night, but I wanted to tell you so your hopes weren't up-” I explained, hoping she understood me.

“We'll, I guess in a way…” She looked over, “I'll definitely get more guys to notice me with you around” She hopefully looked up. 

“Yeah, hypothetically that's correct-” I thought about it.

“Hypothetically-” She rang, “The chance Kaveh likes you back is pretty high”.

“I don't think so-” I felt my cheeks warm. “He was so in love with Rafael-” I bit my lip, “I don't think he's ready to face any other suitors” 

“He's way past him, devastated, but past trying to bag him-” She giggled, “I have no idea why he thinks homophobic alphas want to go out with men” She sighed, her head shaking in I told him so.

“I'm so scared to say anything” I winced, “I don't want to loose him”

“You won't Alhaitham, if anything, he loves you more than any crush” Her thought paused, “He has mental breaks thinking you'll leave him-” She mentioned. 

“Me too, I didn’t have any friends before him-” I gulped, “Embarrassing as it is, I know I’ll loose everyone if I loose him”

“That’s not true, you’ll never loose me” She smiled, “Plus Kaveh wouldn’t turn everyone against you”

“You’re right”

He wouldn’t do that.

We briefly had dinner after the conversation, my grandma still talking about how excited she was that I had a date. It felt like a huge constant stab to the chest to know she was so happy with the facade. How long could I keep this up? I hid my books every night, stories of falling in love with men. Most of them were in Fontainian, a language my grandmother had no relocation of. It was a safe way for me to cover up my secret, along with Nilou’s help. 

I knew deep down I couldn’t continue for much more longer, her poor old lady heart would have to be ripped. There was one thing I hated more than anything, disappointing my grandmother. But the feeling of loving a man seemed more worth the sacrifice of her disapproval. Loving Kaveh was like a swell in my throat, the way his world was mine. The way everyday I felt myself fall deeper and deeper, like the depths of an ocean. How his snorts of laughing made me want to kiss his dimples, hold him closer than I ever could. How when he cried my whole heart ached, how I wiped his tears and the closest kiss I got; was the top of his head. The way I felt so loved when he hugged me through breakdowns. I don’t know if Kaveh liked me romantically but I knew he loved me platonically, I knew I always would be in his life no matter what. 

Even if it’s only as his best friend.

-

I stared at my grey suit, the turquoise tie staring right out like a neon light. Nilou would be here any minute, my grandmother complimenting me continuously. Her overbearing kisses and constant comparing to my father, if only I had been exactly like him. He’d fall in love with someone like Nilou, be normal compared to my failings. I wondered what Kaveh would be wearing today, his favorite color was red, so I was sure to look for him in that. My grandmother grabbed the bouquet she bought for me to give to my date. When Nilou had stepped through, she had been the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever laid your eyes on. A normal man would be all over her, her smile as bright as the sun, amazing figure. I’ve read many poets and books describe Nilou as the dream woman. My lower half, my heart and my throat felt nothing, another reminder. 

My grandmother had nudged us to take photos, even making it as awkward as forcing a cheek kiss out of us. You could tell, Nilou still had feelings; may any man who’s lucky enough, treat her like she deserved. When we walked to the Ackedemia, everyone’s eyes were on us, I could see from the distance Kaveh and Tighnari talking. My eyes locked on Kaveh’s hair up, held by a hairstick. His back was to me, his bare neck shown off, god, I had to control myself. Nilou and I nearing closer to the group, Kaveh turned around, a small wave.

He had a turquoise and red button-up, with his chest exposed slightly, light shimmer on his eyes. His bangs were slightly curled, Rafael truly lost out, he was gorgeous. His smile lit up my whole inner temperature. My ears were on fire, my cheeks like lava, and his eyes were in mine. Red irises with a golden middle, like sparks of a flame, archons, I loved him. 

“Haith is blushing guys!” Kaveh pointed out, pinching my cheek.

“Oh wow… he is-” Tighnari said with an o, a slight giggle falling behind that.

“He must be head over heels for our cute little Nilou!” Kaveh went over and hugged his best friend, Nilou awkwardly looked at me. I looked back at her.

“He even gave me flowers!” Nilou excitedly played along. 

“You’re such a gentleman Haith” Kaveh gave me a pout, patting me on the shoulder.

That hurt.

“I just did the right thing” I shrugged.

“Some men don’t do the bare minimum” Tighnari scoffed, walking with us to the entrance of the dance. 

“Tickets please?” The vendor asked, we handed our tickets over, Kaveh running in with Nilou, immediately dancing. 

Tighnari stood next to me, neither of us truly enjoyed dancing and hanging out, more or less did this for the sake of friendship. He looked at me, I looked at him, that stare of I know the truth so tell me, was written on his face. I awkwardly looked at the floor, trying to avoid the confrontation. I truly did not want to talk about this with Tighnari. He stared even longer, the air filled with anxiety, all right, I know I couldn’t avoid him. I looked over at him, the face of disapproval written right there.

“Bathroom” He said, a slight agitated tone. I followed behind, even though I wasn’t allowed in the Omega bathrooms, he pulled me in against my choice. I sighed gently and recomposed myself, looking at the girls giving me dirty looks as they entered. 

“Could we-”

“They can mind their business” Tighnari interjected, his face even more annoyed as the time passed. 

“I-”

“What’s going on? Does Nilou know?” He asked.

“Know what?” I averted my eyes.

“Alhaitham do not play dumb with me” He rolled his eyes.

“She knows, I gave her that much” I mumbled to the side, his stare still on me, my nervousness skyrocketing.

“Have you told Kaveh?”

“Told him what?” I looked up.

“The fat fucking crush you have on him?” His eyebrow raised.

I tried walking out a little, his hand grabbed my wrist in time, “I-” I turned back.

“Tell him, please for my damn sanity-” He pinched his temples. “I can’t stand to watch you two dance around each other, and Kaveh be an idiot any longer” 

I felt my heart jump out of my chest at the idea, “I- I can’t-”

“Please, or I’ll tell him myself” He pleaded, “He’s so fucking stupid”

“I don’t know if he even likes me-” I breathed out.

“He’s stupid but I promise he’s in love without realizing it” Tighnari imposed.

“What if I’m rejected?” I felt my pulse rise.

“He won’t, please trust me” Tighnari put a hand on his chest.

“I’ll” I gulped, looking at the stone tile, “I’ll try, that’s all I can promise” 

Tighnari smiled slightly, “Thank Archons at least there’s that”

“I can’t promise it’ll be tonight” I walked slightly out, the panic setting in, I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. It would be hell, I’d be so lonely and isolated, at least my grandmother would be there. But Kaveh was truly my world, that wasn’t an exaggeration, we hung out everyday, we held hands all the time. I helped him with homework, we had study sessions on the weekends, along with sleepovers. He was my first crush, the reason I found out I was at least normal on some standpoint. Every book I own has a love interest similar to him, it would rip me to sheds if he decided our friendship was ruined. 

I don’t know if I could face the thought of loosing him, even with Tighnari’s threat. His hand on my shoulder telling me things were okay, I needed to dissociate. As soon as I calmed down and that kicked in, I decided to dance with all of our friend group. Tried my best to have fun, the thoughts still in the back of my head, the fear of loosing him. I ignored it for the time being, all of us being invited to an area behind the school. Some music played as a few couples kissed in the background, the older kids offering us beer. Kaveh downed at least 3 cups by the time Nilou decided to go home. I figured out in that moment, I didn’t like beer, but I still drank 1 cup. My head fuzzy and dumb, everyone acted autistic. I thought out something with alcohol, that I was normal amongst the others under the influence. 

Kaveh was all over the place, talking about his experiences with school and how he was rejected. He was laughing and hanging out with others, Tighnari talking with a group across the fire, not sure what about but he was drunk too. If I had balls, it had to be now, and hopefully Kaveh would remember before he downed more. I knew his tolerance was higher due to his mother letting him drink with her at home. 

I grabbed his hand softly, his face turned to me, “Haith? I’m in the middle of talking!” He giggled, Kaveh was a giggly drunk, something I also noticed. 

“Come away with me-”

“Are you overstimulated?” He pouted, a soft question under his breath.

Sure, that’s the lie I’ll go with, “Yeah, could you come help me calm down?” I asked, Kaveh softly smiled.

“Let me finish my story-” He said to me, telling more about the drama with the teacher that was apparently spying on girls in the locker room. The guy who was talking to Kaveh was obviously interested, well, not interested in the conversation, interested in his body. It was obvious from the body language and his slightly sultry tone. It made my mouth fill with a pennies feeling, that someone would only care to listen to Kaveh just to get into his pants. He had so much more to offer than looks, it pissed me off.

“Alright, uh-” Kaveh awkwardly looked at me, was I exhibiting hormones? “Let’s get you calmed down, sorry, I have to go-” He pushed me off into the woods slightly. His face slightly irritated, as he got to a safe deserted area, “Listen, what the heck was that?”

“He didn’t care what you had to say-” I noted.

“He was listening, Haith, he was responding to what I was talking about” He rolled his eyes, “Stop overreacting”

“He was staring at your pants, they’re tight in the crotch, you’re too drunk to notice-”

“Wha-” He looked down, pulling at his pants, “Did you have to tell me now? I was walking around with a camel-toe the whole time! Alhaitham!” He exclaimed, his face embarrassed.

“Well, I didn’t notice until his eyes were glued there-”

“Ugh!” He yelled, looking at me.

“Sorry he didn’t care about the conversation-” I looked away.

“I’m more irritated you stopped him-” Kaveh got red in the face, “Were you trying to start a fight back there?”

“Why were you upset I tried to stop him from sexualizing you?” I amused the idea.

“Because maybe Haith, I want a boyfriend! Maybe I want to be sexy to other guys!” He pouted. 

“Maybe I don’t want you to be sexy to other guys-” I scoffed.

“Is this some kind of attention thing with you?” He accused, jumping to conclusions as always. 

“No-”

“Oh I think it is, you don’t want anyone taking up my time because you’re lonely!” He yelled, why was this becoming a fight?

“I don’t care about you having other friends it’s not an atten-”

“Haith, save it, I don’t care, I know I’m your only friend, I know it’s scary for me to be taken up by someone else but seriously, calm it down-” He laughed.

“Tighnari was right, you’re too fucking stupid-” I stood there.

“How am I stupid? You’re out there treating me like some victim! I want to have a relationship, I want to be sexy, have sex! I’m not going to be stopped by some best friend-” He teared up, “You’re supposed to support me! Cheer me on?” His eyes pleaded.

“I can’t cheer on someone I’m in love with, to be with someone else-” I bit my lip, a gasp following what I said.

Fuck I said it.

“What?” He uttered.

“Nothing-” I mumbled, walking away in shock.

“Haith, stop-” He grabbed my wrist, I tried pulling it slightly, I wanted to run away.

“Forget what I said-”

“No, you just said you’re in love with me?” Kaveh questioned.

I stared at him, his eyes so confused, “I am-” I admitted, the panic hurting my chest, “But if you want to end-” I breathed, tears forming, “If you want to end this friendship, I said nothing, I’ll get over it-” I felt those wet drops fall.

Kaveh looked in my eyes, cupping my face, “Oh, Haith-” His eyes slightly fell with a few blinks, “I’d never leave you, okay?” He reassured me. 

“Promise?” I exhaled, he wiped my tears.

He laughed slightly, “You know I waited a year, making myself get over you-” He gulped, “Cause I was scared to loose what we had-” 

“You did?”

“I still love you, Haith-” He mumbled, “And if it helps, I’d rather you see me as sexy, not some random dude at a bonfire after the spring dance-” He giggled.

“Why were you mad at me-”

“Well, keeping me in a friendship with a love I was trying to get over felt like you were trapping me-” He sighed, “It felt like you were trying to torture me-”

“I hate men who touch you, I found out recently I get very jealous-”

“I was jealous of Nilou-” He laughed, “And I set her up with you!” Giggles escaped him.

“Poor thing, don’t worry I told her I had a crush on you before the dance-” I laughed slightly.

He stared in my eyes, his eyelashes fluttering, it was like a trance almost, our noses touching slightly, his breath blowing on my lips. His hand still cupping my cheek, I moved my hand to go under his jaw. I pulled him gently into my mouth, staying there for a while, the texture was lightly soft, slimy, and intoxicating. Our mouths moved sloppily, slightly awkward here and there, but we found a small rhythm, my heart jumping out of my chest. Kaveh deepened kiss, our mouths just moving without control, my hand moving to his waist, pulling our chests together. I felt my lower half react to the stimulus I was receiving, I slightly broke the kiss, looking into his eyes for confirmation. 

He was blissed out, some hormones in the air adding to the tense air, “Where’d you learn that?” He breathed.

“I, I didn’t” I mumbled, “You know I’m a virgin-” I blushed.

Kaveh smiled, “Well, me too, but I’m not nearly as good as kissing as you are-”

I grinned back, trying to keep composure, “I just, went with the flow-” I held him close.

He laid his head on my chest, “What are we?” He kissed my cheek, the night air smelling of humid rain to come.

“I guess friends, well lovers that are friends?” I said with confusion.

“Boyfriends?” He lifted up, staring into my eyes.

“Yeah, that-” I felt my lips curve up.

He caressed my face, “I love you” He whispered, putting a soft peck down.

“I love you too-” My face heated up.

I loved him more than anything.

More than myself.

-

Chapter Text

I woke up to Kaveh sleeping next to me, the realities of last night hitting me; not sure why I had a memory dream but I did. My arms were wrapped around his waist, my hand on his stomach, I kissed the side of his neck. His scent driving me insane, maybe I could give in to these urges I’ve had for 6 months, I sighed in realization. I definitely needed to wake up Kaveh, so I pressed kisses into his temple, it was 6am in the morning, hopefully he wouldn’t be mad. I pulled his waist against mine, trying my best to hint what I had wanted. 

“Haitham-” He groaned, “Stop kissing me-” He sighed, his hips shifting.

“Can I touch you?” I asked, he mumbled softly.

“If you let me sleep you can do anything-” His eyebrows stitched together.

“Okay, can you spread your legs then?” I asked.

“Haith-” He groaned, getting up, “Do you seriously want sex after last night?” He was grumpy. 

I pouted slightly, “Yeah, try not to judge me for it-” My hands fiddled, “I’ve missed you-” I grabbed his waist to sit on top of me.

“I definitely feel that you’ve missed me” His hips rolled against me. 

“Don’t torture me-” I winced.

“You knocked me up, don’t talk to me about torture-” His hand moved my bangs behind my ear. 

“I keep forgetting-” My hand rested on his stomach, looking into his eyes, I keep forgetting our child- 

“Me too” He put his hand over mine, light lazy blinks fell between our gazes. It was like reality wasn't true, I had Kaveh back. More or less for own selfish mistakes; but I was more happier than ever. His golden locks casted over his shoulders, a large shirt of mine covered him with his pajama bottoms. I could still feel the slight bump under my fingertips. He was as gorgeous as my dreams, even if he complained about his crow's feet, and wrinkles. 

“You're beautiful-” I mumbled, a small blush came to his face.

“I'm way more aged than when we were in our early 20s-” He scoffed, of course, typical of him not to take a compliment.

“And you are technically, a milf now-” I joked.

“Oh! Hush!” He pouted away.

“Its true, I put a baby in you-” I whispered in his ear, a slight seductive tone to my voice.

He rolled his eyes, “And I'm still more angry than ever at you for that-” He gave me an angry look. 

“You seem to be more delighted on the idea I'm the father than anyone else” I raised a brow.

He pouted, I was right, “So? So what if I am?!” His eyes locked with mine. 

“There's no reason to be upset, I'm just teasing-” I trailed my hand from his stomach to his hips. 

“Haith-” He bit back a moan as I massaged his hips, “N-No-” He mumbled.

“Is that a no, or a no?” I flirted. 

“Its a no-” He adjusted, hiding away.

I stopped my tracks, he lifted his hips off of me, sitting at the edge of the bed. I could see him looking at the floor, a very muted atmosphere fell. “Kaveh? Are you alright?” I put a hand on his shoulder, scooting over. 

He breathed, and then turned his lips to a line, “I don't want to be vulnerable with you-” He admitted. 

“Why? We've had sex hundreds of times-” I paused, “Not pressuring you, I'm just…Not understanding-”

His tears started, I didn't understand what this reaction was about, “I'm surprised I even slept with you-” He teared up.

“Did I do something to make you uncomfortable with us?” I asked, my hand on his back. 

“N-no Alhaitham, no-” He cried harder, “I feel-” He hiccuped, “So, dirty-” He held himself into a ball.

“You're not, you're just normal-” I think this was about how many people he slept with. 

“Adam-” He cried harder, “He made me feel so gross-” I heard a gulp, “He would just, take what he wanted, and-” He coughed, “Even when I said no, he never stopped-” He trailed, “We were together so it was okay-”

I wish I had killed that fucker instead.

“Kaveh, it's still what you think it is-” I held him close to me. “He hurt you, he took advantage of you-” I whispered.

“He said awful things, he said I was ugly-” His tears rolled, “He said I wouldn't find anyone better- that I was nothing-” He sighed, “I believed him, I believed I wasn't worthy of anyone, Haith-” He sobbed.

“You're worthy of everyone, Kaveh-” I whispered, “You're far from ugly, that man was projecting his own insecurities,  you're gorgeous-” 

“He said you were a liar-”

“I lie only on occasion when it is beneficial, but you being gorgeous, it isn't a lie sweetheart” I wiped his tears. 

“Do you think I'm too fat?” He asked.

“Did he tell you that?” I narrowed my eyes.

“Yes, often during-”

“You are far from obese Kaveh, truly the man was chubby and gross, you lowered your standards for a man to make you feel below him-” I scoffed, cutting him off.

“My thighs have gotten-”

“Sexier?” I interjected, “Sorry, I loved you for your curves in College, and you've just gotten more in the past 4 years-” I smiled, pulling him on my lap.

“Haith, I really think I'm not the best out there-”

“All of Sumeru wants you, and that's not an exaggeration, every Alpha in that tavern has laid eyes on you once-” I said frankly, “Adam played sweet guy to get you in his pants and then dragged you through the mud with him-” I rolled my eyes, “And then you were homeless, on rock bottom-” I looked to the side, “Even seeing you starving, gross and completely helpless, I loved you” I admitted.

“Did you still want me then?” 

“Yes, I wanted you at your lowest, and your best-” I kissed his cheek, “I found you sexy when we were teenagers, I found you sexy when we were 20, and I find you the most sexy filled with our child and the thickest thighs I've ever seen-” I caressed his hip. 

He blushed “You really like my body?”

“Yes, Kaveh, most of all I love you” I held his waist, “More than just sex” I kissed him, pulling him into a hug. I pulled him as tight as I could, it was cruel to know his mother had taught him; this was all he's good for. That the brilliant brain he had was useless. That an Omega's job was to serve their Alpha; It was cruel and bewildering. Kaveh was worth more than any gem I've ever laid eyes on. He had the brightest smile, most beautiful heart, painstakingly kind, naive; but most of all creative more than your brain imagined. 

Truly I loved him.

“How did I ever let you go?” He held my face, cupping my cheeks, “You're so sweet” He smiled. 

“I would do anything to go back in time-” I held his waist. “Make our mistakes healed”

A slight silence filled the air, moments of staring, and holding eachother let the comment sink in, “You know-” He laughed slightly, “No matter how many partners I had, I always thought of you somehow, it all went back to us-” His face looked away. 

“I couldn't bring myself to try to move on at all, lots of people flocked my way-” I paused, “But I never healed-” My heart wavered. “I could never heal from you-”

Kaveh teared up slightly, pushing his face away, little tears pricked his bottom lashes. Then, the hiccuping started. “I'm sorry-” He sighed, more breathy tears. “I never meant to hurt you-” He shook his head, I pulled him into another embrace, letting him cry there.

“It's okay-” I sighed, running my fingers through his golden locks. “Kaveh, it was almost 5 years ago, I've long forgiven you-” I kissed his temple.

“I don't deserve you, Haith-” He sniffled.

“Shhh, it's alright….” I petted his head, “You do deserve me, just as I to you-” I kept him close. 

“Haith-” He cried in my shoulder. 

“I love you-” I mumbled into his scalp. He cried harder, “I love you” I whispered. I held him into my body, “I love you kaveh-” I kept saying as I set him down on the bed, kissing him while towering over. “More than anything” I kissed his neck. His tears slightly subsided, “Will you let me love you?” I asked.

He paused and looked into my eyes, unsure waverment held there. “Yes-” He breathed out, my hands snaked under my shirt on him. The feeling of his skin was warm and soft, lovely. Soft hums came from Kaveh as my hands explored his body once again; my hands placed on his waist. His eyes met mine again, almost searching for some sort of confirmation. 

“Sorry I just-” He blushed away.

“Kaveh, you're beautiful, don't deny that-” I kissed under his breastplate. “Don't ever deny my truth- Alright-” I grabbed his boxers, playing with the hem. My eyes looked for consent in the moment.

He covered his face, looking away, his legs spread further. Cute I thought mindlessly, I pulled them down past his ankles, discarding them on the floor. The Kaveh I remember was never as shy, or as worried as the current one. So many Alphas ruined that confidence in him, the confidence that only showed during intoxication now. I felt myself shower in envy as I looked at his thighs, littered with more scars than the last time I saw him. 

I kissed down his legs, lifting one over my shoulder. I rubbed at his hips, a small moan escaping his lips, his face covered in a pillow. “Can I touch you?” I asked, he mumbled softly into the pillow, I couldn't hear, “Hmm?” 

“Please-” He lifted up, his hair already disheveled. I felt my ears heat up, my eyes scanned down to his slit, glistening in the dim light of my room. Being drunk during this probably was one of my biggest regrets. Everything about Kaveh drove me to a mess, the smell of slick in the air being as intoxicating as ever. Just the sight of him alone could send me into rut.

Archons, please give me the strength to be gentle; to not loose my cool. I kissed down his thigh again, pausing at his outer lips. He slightly squirmed, his dick was hard and red. I licked a stripe from his hole to that bud. The taste was just as I remembered from all those years ago, addicting, sweet like honeysuckle. I ran my tongue the same way I did back then, awkward at first being so out of practice; but I found my rythum. Kaveh's legs started to slightly shake, my other hand running up the sides of them. My tongue swirled over and over, my chin slightly dripping. 

“ Haith-” He moaned, his fingers gripping the blanket, the other roaming to my scalp. Finally that face was out of the pillows. His mouth slightly agape, his hips grinding against my face. Seeing him as vulnerable, as blissed out under my tongue was better than any coin Teyvat could offer. 

“Oh fuck-” He bit his lip, I could tell he was close by the jolting of his legs, his quick and close breaths. How he moaned in-between them, a particular loudness came to his noises. I ran my tongue slightly faster, “Haitham!” He gasped, his grip tightening, a gulp between whines. “Fuck, fuck I'm-” He breathed, I kept my mouth around him down there, his thighs slightly collapsing around my head, a small moaned scream escaped. My head slightly crushed but I did not care, as I kissed his inner thigh. 

“Holy-” His arched back came to a collapse. I lifted over to grab a napkin, wiping up my chin. I hovered over him for a moment, our eyes locked, “You know, it-” He paused to breathe, “it's as good as I remember” He giggled, I smirked softly.

A little ego boost.

“Better than others?” I felt myself grin.

He caressed my jawline, “Better is an understatement-” He smiled, kissing me sweetly, pulling me down with him.

“What’s a better statement?” I whispered in his ear as my lips left his mouth. 

He stared in my eyes, his pupils going left and right in thought, “I'm not sure, it's just-” He smirked, “I think it's because you're just…” A full smile went on his face, “You” His nose met mine, “I think I'll always love you, Haith-” 

I kissed him.

Oh god I kissed him, how I missed this, missed us more than anything. Even if my body was begging to be touched, I could ignore it for now just pretend we were those silly teenagers again. Forget for a minute that a huge responsibility was between our abdomens. Forget our lives and how much time had passed, Kaveh was my best friend, my lover, and my soon to be husband. Even if looking at his eyes and seeing the tiny wrinkles, I could tell that time was at our feet. 

“Haith!” He giggled, pushing away my smothering kisses, his hands landing to cup my cheeks.

“Say it again” I smiled, kissing his palm.

“What?” He giggled, his eyebrows curving.

“Say you love me again-” I said in a deep serious tone.

“I love you?” He questioned.

“No, like you mean it-” I smiled.

“I love you Alhaitham” He pushed my bangs out of my face.

“I love you too” I kissed his cheek. 

I kissed him deeper, supporting behind his back, our chests as close as they could be. “Alr-” He breathed, “Alhaitham, please-” He giggled, pushing me a little more seriously, “I love you, but I can feel how much you're neglecting yourself” He rolled his hips. 

I bit my lip, “So?” I smiled, “You know I don't need that, after all this was about you-” I confirmed.

He giggled softly, “Haith, you were the one that woke up with a hard-on” 

“But you felt not up to it-” I said, “I wouldn't-”

He put a finger over my mouth, “I want to make love with you, sweetheart-” He whispered the last part. “I want you that way ” He pulled my boxers against his slit, “Can't you feel how I want you?” His eyelashes fluttered. 

“Yes-” I breathed, maybe Kaveh didn't want composure. I shifted and pulled down my boxers gently, Kavehs eyes glued to my crotch. His eyes flicked to my face, as I crawled back on top of him. 

“See?” He tilted his head, he rubbed against my length with his hips, “I'm dripping for you, Haith-” He moaned gently in my ear. 

I kissed at his neck, rubbing against him to lube up before things happened. “I'm so hard for you-” I flirted against his skin, my hand going down to adjust myself.

“Please-” He looked in my eyes as I pressed in. I groaned softly into his neck, slowly pushing until I was fully there. Kaveh's face contorted into pleasure. 

Being intoxicated I don't think I relished in this feeling. The way his walls tightened around me, how perfectly he fit. To add I was practically edging myself this entire time, but being inside him might have been so good; it was torturous. I bit my lip to keep from moaning out. Not that it mattered, it was my house, but some composure was nice. I looked down breifly to make sure everything was in check. His cunt was practically creaming onto my shaft, my hormones going crazy at the sight alone.

Breed him , they said, as if I hadn’t already done that. 

I went back down to him, shifting my position “I love you” I mumbled into his lips, my hips slowly rocking, our chests heaving at the same time. God, did it feel amazing, each time I rolled, my cock dragged against him, and back again. His insides were hot, silky and wet against me. As our moans followed eachother, I grabbed his leg, getting a better angle.

“Haith, fuck-” He moaned against our chaste kisses, I controlled a soft pace. Hitting his g-spot was as easy as I remembered. It also paid off by his voice. I loved the way Kaveh moaned against me, how he whined and whispered my name. 

I loved the outside messiness too. My bed creaking and clacking against the wall. The sounds of wet slaps made the atmosphere even more hot. I felt my body temperature rise, my hips becoming more desperate.

“Kaveh-” I whined against his face, lifting up.

“Haitham-” He murmured, his arm around my neck. His back arched again, his chest flush against mine, my shirt wrinkled up to his collarbone. Each bounce he looked more gone, completely lost in my touch. His hair casted and messed behind him, eyes rolling back from time to time. His arms casting down to my back, clawing there gently. Kaveh glowed during sex, his chestplate as red as a tomato. I planted several kisses there, my rythum becoming faster. His moans becoming frequent in my ears.

“Kaveh, please I'm-” I sighed, my eyes closing in concentration. His insides clamped down harder, being too tight to manage. Truly it might have been because he was close as well. 

“Inside, fuck-” He begged, “Knot me, cum inside me-” He blurted, fuck that was hot, I felt myself groaning faster. My hips slightly fucking up the pattern I was doing, I opened my eyes to see Kaveh, gasping, folding over me. 

“Haith, fuck-” He moaned, I kissed him again, my knot swelling against his rim. Oh god, he felt so fucking good, I was gonna-

Fuck- 

“Kaveh-” I bit my lip, my last thrust hitting inside of him, seeing white I held myself up as I emptied inside him. His walls locking us together as I felt him fill up with my cum. 

“Haith, Haith- Fuck-” He moaned out, clawing at my back, I felt him clamp around me knowing he had tipped over. 

I collapsed gently on him, our breaths of exhaustion hitting our lungs. I nuzzled into his neck, my chest slowing down as I felt us locked together. “I love you” I mumbled into his soft, slightly sweaty skin. 

“Haitham, please” He held my face, I lifted up, tears forming into his eyes.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, he immediately shook his head.

“Please mark me, please-” He asked, “I'm not drunk this time-” He smiled.

“Are you sure?”

“I'm more than sure-” He nodded, “Plus, it's halfway there anyways-” He made a fair point.

“Okay-” I breathed, he shifted so his neck was at me. I hovered over the old spot, my mouth slightly salivating at the urge, my teeth grazed over. “Are you more than-” I mumbled.

“Haith just please for Archon-” He mumbled as I bit down hard, a large whine came from Kaveh. I tasted blood, slowly pulling back I licked soft stripes over the spot, an immediate bond rushing over me. I could feel everything that Kaveh was exhibiting, fear, love, content, worry. 

“Shh, it's alright-” I mumbled, he held me close.

“I keep forgetting, Haith-” He held his stomach, “I keep forgetting them-” 

“Me too” I kissed him, “But everything's going to be okay-” I smiled, holding his face. “We're gonna be okay-”

“Are you sure?” He started crying.

“I'm more that sure-” I let out some soothing hormones, “We're going to be perfect, okay”

“I'm sorr-”

“None of that now, I love you Kaveh, I love you both-” I held his stomach, “No sorries, you're giving me everything I've ever wanted-” 

“You promise?” He asked.

“I more than promise-” I kissed him.

I guarantee it.

-

Chapter Text

“The sage of Kshahrewar is engaged!” Whispers littered the halls, rumors and such muddled with the comprehension of teenage to Mid-Twenties minds. 

Maybe even more curiously, they spoke aloud.

“I heard it was a last minute thing-”

I was behind the book row looking for early childhood psychology. 

“He was sick last week-” Another paused.

“You don't think?” The girl muttered.

“Is he expecting?” 

“No! that's impossible, he doesn't have a single Alpha in the house he lives in, he can barely stand the Scribe-” 

“They were together before-” A voice claimed. 

“That's just a rumor-”

“My mom said it's true-” Another interjected.

How did they know? I chuckled, I should make myself known, I grabbed a few more books. I never dove into psychology as much as I did when I was a kid, trying to understand my autism was my main concern beginning my journey to being myself. I was completely crushed when I found out it was something uncurable. 

Now I was trying my best to understand how to be a good father. How to make sure my child is supported and lifted from anything scary they might face. I know my grandmother did an amazing job at raising me, she loved and cared for me while pushing me to my best potential. 

I hoped I could be anything near to what she accomplished.

“Grand Sage!” The group exclaimed, as if they were caught doing the worst. 

“Good Afternoon” I slightly bowed, passing without another thought. I truly did not care what rumors surrounded myself, I knew Kaveh cared. That's why I put the ring on his finger. 

“Scr- I mean, Grand Sage, what are those books for?” One of them asked.

“Oh? These?” I looked at the stack, How to be a Good Parent, Child Psychology, Development of the Baby, Birthing Everything you Need to Know. Well, if that wasn't obvious enough. “Uh, they're for-” I needed a lie on the spot.

“Kaveh?” One of them asked.

“Yes- But-” I mentally shat myself.

“Uh, behind you, Sage Kaveh-” They pointed. 

Please let him not be mad, I turned slightly towards him. His eyes softened at the sight of the books I was carrying. “You all should refrain from rumors regarding me, and ask questions directly-” He stared down the group.

“Sorry Sage-” They equally bowed.

“Rumors don't benefit anyone” I added, “Especially harmful ones-”

“But the Sage being engaged isn't a rumor, he has a ring-” Another student hushed the other.

“Sorry-” The student giggled awkwardly.

“No worries, I see lots of students are curious with my new ring” He lifted his hand gently, “It's gorgeous if you want to take a look” 

A few scholars awed at the ring, for how much I paid, I would hope a few admired the pearlescent diamond. “It's gorgeous, Senior-” A older student complimented, “How much was it?” She smiled.

“You'll have to ask Alhaitham-” He turned to me.

The students stalled in silence, not quite the idea I had in mind to expose we were engaged; eh, but fuck it- “It was about 3 quarter million, I think-” I mumbled off, “Although I did buy it 5 years ago-” I trailed.

Kaveh’s expression was priceless.

“3 quarter?” He whispered, a shock in his tone.

“You're engaged?” A mumble escaped from one of them.

“Yes, Alhaitham and I are” Kaveh smiled, “There's no more hiding, I mean, there were already rumors we were together in our home…” He scoffed, “What is so surprising?” 

“I guess, how different you both are-” Others agreed with that statement.

“And how…” They stopped, “Unromantic, sorry, the Grand Sage seems-” 

“What exactly do you entail by that?” I asked.

“You don't seem like the type to fall in love” They airquoted.

“Haith, I mean Alhaitham is quite romantic, under that hard surface he truly is a softy-” Kaveh inched closer and laid his head on my shoulder. 

I looked over at Kaveh, our eyes meeting for a second, before my body laxed against him. “I'm only soft around you, so of course it's a surprise, Kaveh” I smiled.

“Is he smiling?” A student gawked.

I quickly changed to a frown, “All of you should be studying, not worrying about your Sage's lives and who they're with” I adjusted, lightly holding Kaveh's back to move him. “So if you would excuse me, I have work to do-” I turned around to greet the librarian before walking out.

I could not care about what others thought; if people wanted me to be a certain way. It truly had to be on them. 

I had thought about it, the first Grand Sage to be gay. I was fine with that argument, the distaste and admiration of others. I much preferred the ladder. I loved Kaveh, I always have and I have no shame in that. He was my first, well, everything… 

First friend, first boyfriend, first kiss, first time, first mate. Hopefully my last everything too, even remembering our lives and our youth I was sure. I just wanted Kaveh to be happy, and at first, I believed it wasn't with me. 

As I strolled down to my office, putting down the books and settling in, I let it sink in. Kaveh was pregnant with my child, with our child. Even if it was all by mistake, I couldn't help myself from imagining the different possibilities. Even calculating what most likely our kid would look like. Grey Hair in my family was genetic and dominant, although blonde also was dominant on Kaveh’s side. Either colors were possible, more than likely they would have blue eyes due to Kaveh’s mother and my parents. I secretly hoped they had Kaveh’s features. 

I was biased on that part though.

After that, I read through each of the books, reminding myself that Kaveh’s mood swings would be worse. He needed therapy and to take care of himself, and lots of support as well. Things like postpartum were highly likely especially with a mood disorder already. I was perplexed, wishing I had some sort of guidance on this. Kaveh's mother Faranak was also not one to give advice. Already she was pregnant with her own child, and fucked up the first one royally. 

I could never understand how selfish you have to be to blame your own child. Negating logical ideology as well; It was an accident, no one was at fault. If Kaveh or me were to face an accident, I'd hope he'd be strong enough to love our child in my absence. I'd know my way to deal with it; would be to be lucky enough that a piece of my mate was always with me. That Kaveh would be with us and hopefully stick around as some sort of spirit. I was already tearing up imagining these things. 

God if one of us were to die I'd hope it'd be Kaveh. I think personally my death would re-traumatize him, he'd be lower than ever. Although I do not wish for either of us to come to some accident. But the occasion runs on both sides. 

Logically, everything will be fine, Kaveh will have our kid, we'll be successful parents. I would be the thinking parent, while Kaveh the emotional one. I know I have trouble understanding children, and maybe we'd have a kid alike to me. Autism though, was something I never wished on anyone. Not even on my worst enemy, it was terrifying. I wouldn't know what to do if my kid started just hitting himself to regulate his sensory. Or not have any childhood as well, the isolation, no friends, having only yourself. Kaveh in my life was a miracle, same with Tighnari. Sure I had fake friends because I was attractive, but the moment I talked about language formations or astronomy, they'd leave. The moment I'd flap my hands or do anything out of the ordinary, they'd make fun of me. 

That's why Autism is cruel.

I feel so grateful to my Jadda, she loved me no matter what happened. She'd hold my hands and head and told me to hum. Everyday I missed her, wishing she was here to tell me she was happy for me. She'd be so excited to be a great grandmother, especially since she loved Kaveh so dear. I hope she's doing well, wherever she is. 

I sighed and looked through more of the pages, a knock coming on my door. “Come in” I notioned, closing the book after placing my mark. 

“Grand Sage” The General of Mahamatra greeted. 

“Cyno, please skip the formalities-” I stood up, going around my desk.

“Forgive me, I had an issue with one of your students that is urgent-” He came over, “I think we need to be alone for this” 

“Guards, if you would please excuse yourselves-” I said particularly loud, they closed the doors, footsteps following, “What is it?” My brows furrowed in worry.

“Firstly, you got Kaveh knocked up?!” He threw his hands up. 

“I- is that the business you've come to talk about??” I was flabbergasted.

“No, but, Tighnari told me everything-” He shook his head in disbelief, “How could you be so careless?” He asked. 

“I was drunk-” I interjected.

“Not an excuse to take advantage of someone-” He folded his arms.

“I didn't take advantage of him, it was mutual-” I turned away, “You know out of anyone I wouldn't do something like that” I scoffed.

“I was joking-” He sighed, “Obviously if Kaveh felt that way he would've reported you” He explained. 

“To be fair he didn't even report Adam-” I stated, “So of course I took your joke seriously” 

“I'm still blind to whatever you did” He laughed, he was in fact, not blind. That's what made the General a good man, if things were handled correctly out of the Mantras hands, they'd turn a blind eye.

“Well, I thank you for that” I sighed, “Also, yes, Kaveh and I are expecting, It's mainly my fault” I shrugged, “I should've just-” I paused, “Communicated as always”

“You've always been shit at that” He commented.

“Thanks” I deadpanned. 

“Well, Tighnari is extremely excited to be an Uncle, and Kaveh looks the happiest he's ever been-” He sighed, “So I think everything is good, I came to-” He looked over, “Congratulate you on being a father” 

“I accept your celebration” I noted.

Cyno slightly laughed, “Sometimes you have the weirdest responses, although I cannot judge I do the same” He said.

“I'm sorry, I've had a lot on my mind” I mentioned, “Its been hard formulating the correct responses” 

“Kaveh being pregnant definitely takes up a brain and a half, I bet the mood swings have been bad” He worried.

“He's been, normal mainly he's only 3 ½ months, the mood swings come around halfway through the 2nd trimester” I mentioned.

“See I never dealt with a pregnancy before, since uh, Collei is adopted” He smiled gently. 

“Neither have I, I'm trying to learn for myself” I scratched my head.

“Well, the original thing I came for was that one of your esteemed students is under arrest-” He said blankly, like a slap to the face. 

“What for? Does it need to be a quiet arrest?” I asked.

“Well, he's been caught raping several women at taverns and club parties, so you tell me-” He answered.

“Fuck” I muttered underneath my breath.

“As you know this could be bad for the Ackedemia’s reputation-” He said as a fact.

True, it would be.

I let myself think, processing the best course of action. If it was the previous Grand Sage he would've been quiet about it. But me, I wasn't like that, I needed to make a mark, well, an impression.

“Arrest him publicly” I answered, “Let Teyvat know under our new policies, we won't tolerate such behaviors” I narrowed my eyes. 

Cyno looked back at me, “You sure?”

“Absolutely” I looked back at my calender, “Tell me when it's going to happen so I may make a public announcement”

“Will do” Cyno smiled, doing a slight bow before exiting with a small goodbye. 

I sat down in my chair reading out some more books, a small knock came on the large office again. I stood up for a moment before going to the door, the woman standing there was Faruzan. I gestured her to come in for the time being as it seemed she wanted to discuss matters. Going to my desk I sat down, sipping my coffee again, “What brings you here, Sage of Haravatat?”

“A change in curriculum, I think our students would benefit from an internship outside of Sumeru during their junior year” She said lightly.

“Oh?” I put down my coffee, “What kind of internships?” Haravatat didn't require that as it was a studious subsection, unlike the others.

“Language studies, I know our students need hands-on experience and not just in their books” She argued.

“I'm guessing you came here for the okay?” I asked.

“Well, yes, and your opinion” She confirmed.

“Faruzan you don't need to go through me for something like that, you are the leader of Haravatat, you can make those decisions on your own” I said again, being stuck in ice for 500 years could definitely skew your view on social hierarchy.

“Well, I just was asking-” She bit her lip, “I've just, well-”

“You don't need to ask an Alpha for permission to do something, Faruzan” I said in worry.

“But! You're the Grand Sage-” She argued.

“Grand this, grand that, I make sure the school runs great, I take care of coin, and issues the school itself is facing” I confirmed, “I don't control what the Sages do with curriculum” 

“Well, I guess-” She scoffed, “I guess I was just looking for a personal opinion from a Haravatat Alumni” 

I looked at my coffee, “In that case-” I sighed, “I think it's a good idea, but as a current student, I would've hated it” 

“Why?” She sighed.

“Well, Haravatat students are introverted” I noted, “They don't like socializing, but, it is for their benefit, and you should announce it as that-” 

“Alright” She crossed her arms, “As my second question, could I request a funding for this idea as the students would need housing-” 

“I will discuss with the other schools about making a deal” I smiled gently, “Internship of choice at a prestigious school in exchange for stay for Haravatat students sounds more than fair” 

“Thank you Alhaitham-” She got up, taking a small bow, “Have a good day of work-” She walked out the office. 

“You as well-” I stared at the books, a sigh escaping. A small memory of this morning ran through my head; Kaveh and I had breakfast together, before getting ready for work. We talked our heads off about the future, our plans, and what on earth the baby was going to bring. 

I missed Kaveh, often during my long days at work I did. Even when things were tough, I still thought to myself if he was doing alright, how his stresses had been. He seemed very happy earlier, in fact quite content.

3:37, an hour and a half before my shift is over-

Call me impatient, but I truly couldn't stand the socialization that came with the Grand Sage duties. It was easier to jot down history and collect data in my old office; it also was far more quieter. I also loved the size of my old office better as well, much smaller and less expansive. 

Another knock came on the door, I sighed out from my book, placing it down. “Come in” I said a little loud, maybe I could control the annoyance that came with my tone.

“Tough day?” He pouted, his long robes swayed with each step.

“Lot of problems more like” I let down my tone, a smile coming to my lips instead as I stood up.

“Oh” He put his lips flat uncomfortably, “I was coming to see how you're doing-” 

“I'm okay” I went over to grab his hand, “How about you? Was the curry good that I packed you?” I rubbed his hand in comfort.

“Haitham, I'm worried about-” He trailed, “You said just a month ago you could never date me, I'm just-” He furrowed his brows, “If I had lost the baby tomorrow would that change us?” He asked. 

“Is that what you're worried about?” I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Y-Yeah” He started tearing up, “I just, I love you so much-” His tears started.

Speak of the mood swings, Cyno was right on the dime.

“I wouldn't leave you, we’ve mended things with us bunny-” I cupped his face, “Also if you lost the baby, me leaving wouldn't even be a thought” I promised.

“Are you sure?” He sniffed, I wiped his tears.

“Yes, alright-” I helped him to sit down, “Lets get you some water, okay?” I kissed his forehead.

“Sorry- I-” He sniffled, “I don't know why I'm so sad-” He said between tears, “And you're working-” 

“Shh, alright” I brought the water over, smooching his cheek.

“Okay” He sipped the water, calming down.

“Listen to me okay, it's just us alright?” I kneeled down, holding his hands. “Nothing will come in between this, not even something as trivial as a miscarriage, don't worry Kaveh” 

“I love you Haith-” He pulled me into a kiss. 

I leaned in gently, partial of my worries going away, our lips gliding gently between each other. His soft, velvety tongue gliding against mine. Our kiss desperately trying to replicate our feelings to the bone, his hands on my chest as I lifted, our lips never breaking. I pulled him up gently against the desk, grinding against his hips. God it felt so good against him, the way his body was inviting me without a single word.

“Mmn-” Kaveh bit my lip before exploring my mouth with his movements. My hand rode up his leg, toying with his hips as I lifted the robes over. I was fast, taking off his boxers with a single motion, my fingers dipped in his folds, soft and wet. His legs spread more and that was my opening for-

Kaveh wants this too.

I dipped two of my fingers into his tight walls, doing a light scissoring motion before doing soft hooking against his spot. His hands gripped my hair, moaning against our kiss. They traveled to my hips, tugging down on my pants while undoing my belt. He pulled out my erection, breaking our kiss to lick his palm before placing it on my cock. His soft hands stroked there a few times, getting my shaft wet with spit. 

He pulled my hips forward, so I could feel that wetness against me. Rubbing our hips together a few times, I lowly moaned as I pushed in the whole thing. Kaveh whined against my lips, I rolled my hips a few times before setting a fast pace.

“Fuck-” Kaveh broke our kiss, I grabbed underneath his leg, getting a better angle.

Were we really doing a quickie on the Grand Sage's desk?

“Mm-” I grunted against his neck, a small knock coming from the door. I halted immediately, grabbing Kaveh and placing him under the desk.

I sat quickly, “Shh-” I caressed Kaveh’s cheek under there. “Come in” I said slightly loud.

“Grand Sage! well, Alhaitham!” One of an esteemed nobleman walked through. “Or should I say, the Dear Scribe?” He smiled.

“It's Acting Grand Sage, I don't plan on-” I bit my lip, Kaveh's lips wrapped around my cock. “I, don't plan on staying-” I kept my composure.

“You do excellent work, why on earth would you stop?” He smiled, Rafael was one of our best sponsors, he loved to see what was new around here. To call him a nosey asshole was an understatement.

“I just prefer the lack of social interaction with my last position” I said, fuck, his throat and tongue felt so fucking good.

“Ahh, I see-” He smirked, “I heard also from a little birdie you're engaged?”

“What exactly does that entail on my work ethic?” I asked, Kaveh's tongue swirling around the head of my cock, swallowing back down.

I bit my lip hard.

“Nothing, in purely curious about your inside life-” He smiled, “What makes you tick, I've personally known all of the previous Sages-”

“I guess except before your birth?” I moaned into a cough. 

“Precisely”

“What exactly do you want to know?” I asked, my other hand ran through those pretty blonde locks, his head bobbing underneath.

“I guess that the Sage of Kshahrewar and you have been known to have a bumpy relationship previously, what motivated you to propose?” He smirked, I wasn't dumb, he was making fun of Kaveh.

“Him and I haven't had issues since 4 years ago, I'm unsure what you mean by bumpy road? Care to dive further?” 

“Everyone knows Kaveh is, well, how do I say this? He uh, gets around from rumors-”

“Kaveh and I split up 4 years ago, we got back together recently a year ago, my fiance isn't and hasn't gotten around in any bedrooms, except mine, and if you're referring to rumors, it was his college years after we were separated” I clarified, “Not that you deserve to know but he's only slept with me and 3 other people, I can attest that doesn't qualify as a number of getting around as a title” I said angrily, Kaveh stopped under the desk.

“Hmm, you must love him dearly to have such a reaction” He smiled, “Did you knock him up?” He lifted a book that I was reading.

“Why exactly do you need to know, I'm leaving this position as soon as possible-”

“Oh no, you're staying, I like you Alhaitham, you're not a yes man” He chuckled, “I'm your biggest sponsor, you loose me, you loose this entire establishment” He smiled. 

“Are you threatening the sake of the school just to keep me in this position?” I shook my head, “That doesn't make any sense-”

“Yes, because you're doing an amazing job, better than previous Sage's, including Azar-” He walked back and fourth, “Sorry I called your beloved a whore, I was just clearing up some misconceptions” He softened, “He's very beautiful, spitting image of Faruzan, you're a lucky man”

“Thank you” I said with a sigh.

“So, still, are you expecting a child soon?” He asked, “Having children is exciting”

“Yes, Kaveh and I are expecting” I answered, Kaveh looked at me from under the desk.

“You two will have beautiful children, I mean a handsome man like yourself with a beauty like Kaveh” He sighed in thought. 

“I'm mainly focusing on the Ackedemia right now, I think refraining from personal matters is in our best interests” I cut off the conversation. 

“Do you not wish to build a friendship with me?” He asked.

“Well, considering you just called my future husband a whore, I think we're on a shitty start” I narrowed my eyes. 

“Alright, I guess I will take my leave, I apologize for the disagreement” He bowed softly. “I hope later we can find some sort of acquaintance-” He walked out with a wave.

Thank god-

“Are you okay?” I looked under my desk, Kaveh shuffled out, sitting on my lap.

“Just shush-” He sat on my cock, moaning into my neck.

“Kaveh, could you answer me?” I held his hips.

“I'm fine, it's not the first time I've heard those rumors Haith-” He snapped, “Now, can I fuck you?” He asked, rolling his hips several times.

“But-”

“If you don't shut the fuck up and let me ride you Alhaitham-” He grabbed my neck, “I will sleep on the couch tonight!” He narrowed his eyes. 

“Alright-” I scoffed, “I just wanted to check on you, sorry-”

“I'm so fucking horny, sorry” He lifted up and down with a sharp pace. “Fuck-” He moaned into my shoulder.

“Does that feel good?” I lifted him onto the desk, my cock disappearing into his tight walls, my hands still gripped his hips. 

“Oh fuck, Haith-” He moaned against me.

“Fuck, Kav-” I slammed harder, his moans on borderline screams as I plunged inside him. I was desperate, my pace matching my needs. I covered his mouth softly, watching tears slightly form on his lids from the amount of overstimulation. 

God he was so fucking hot.

“Mm!” A particularly loud scream came from under my fingers, his walls getting tight. I felt myself get closer and closer with each pace. Kaveh slightly limp in my arms from already climaxing, his eyes begging me to finish. 

“Fuck, fuck- Baby-” I kissed his lips, my hands caressing the dip of his hips. His face contorted with overstimulation, soft raspy breaths murmured out his mouth. I felt myself get closer, his walls sloppy with slick. Fuck I loved that feeling. My inhale became sharp, a groan gritted past my teeth, my vision blurry. My hips snapped in place, filling his hole to the brim.

“Haith?” His fingers tangled in my hair, collapsed on top of him. 

“Mnn?” I hummed up, I must of slightly passed out.

“It's kinda difficult-”

“Crap-” I got up off of him, pulling out quickly by accident, Kaveh's hole leaking out onto the desk. 

“Oh god-” He stared at the puddle, “Are you close to?” He paused, it was quite a massive amount.

“I don't recall-” I normally relied on my Akasha to tell me my cycle, but we had them all removed. 

“Yours was in the Akasha?” He asked.

I nodded, it was about 3 months ago. “I think I'm due again” 

“Should I be prepared?” He asked, grabbing the napkins and cleaning up the mess.

“I don't want to hurt you" I looked into his eyes.

The last time I spent my rut with Kaveh was 4 years ago.

“I told you about that-” He rolled his eyes, “I wasn't hurt-”

“You had bruises all over your hips-” I argued.

“Its fine Haitham, I was fine!” He giggled, I didn't want to be rough with him again like that. The baby added to that mixture was dangerous, I couldn't control myself in ruts. I knew this when they started getting worse after I was 13; I practically was a beast. Even when me and Kaveh had shared his heats a year after we started being sexual, I was hesitant then to allow myself with him. It wasn't until we synced up by being mated that I had to allow it.

“I just don't think it's a good idea, you're pregnant Kaveh-”

“I'm not broken-” He scoffed.

“I could hurt the baby” I deadpanned. 

“Haith-” He chuckled, “You're rough, but not that rough-” He pitched. 

“I just-” Kaveh was pushing my boundaries, which he often would.

“Cmon, I'll take good care of you, daddy-” He whispered the last part in my ear. 

“Kaveh, I'm serious” I grabbed his wrist, “I don't have any interest in sharing my ruts when you are pregnant” I said as a final.

His face stalled, getting upset, and then calming down, “I'm supposed-” He mumbled, “You're my partner Haith…” He got off the desk, “I love you, I want to be there for you” He pleaded with his eyes.

“I don't-” I argued, “I don't want to hurt you” I stood on my point, Kaveh pulled up his boxers, looking directly at me.

“I want you” He put his hand on my chest, “I know how you're like, I know what I'm putting myself up for” 

“I'm not good at controlling myself under that mindset” I narrowed my eyes, “You of all people know that” 

“But I know you!” He turned around with a sharp tone. 

“I-” I struggled to understand.

“You would never do something like that” He held my hand, “You love me-” He searched for words. “And I love you-” He backed away, going around to the front of the desk. 

“Which is exactly why I won't do it” I mumbled. 

“Agh! fine, have it your way!” He snapped, walking towards the door.

“You know, usually when your husband leaves a room you kiss him first-” I walked towards him.

“Fiance” He narrowed his eyes.

“Huh?”

“You're my fiancé, not husband” He scoffed.

“Right” I noted, grabbing his waist, “Same difference” I kissed the side of his head.

“Mmm-” He hummed in annoyance. “I can go now, yes?” His eyebrows furrowed. 

“Yes, grumpy butt-” I rubbed his lower back, opening the door with my other hand.

“Bye, Haith” He pouted.

“I'll see you at home” I smiled.

“See you-” He walked down the hall and away. 

God, I have to clean the desk now.

Chapter Text

“Haith?” The voice was foggy in my head, the sounds of chirping birds could be heard in the distance.

“Sprout? Sprout?” My Jaddas's voice called, a soft whisper of shushing called into the abyss. Her soft hands running through my hair, “I'm so proud of you-” She smiled.

Ah, a memory.

“Jadda?” I lifted up.

“Did you have a b-” The image was foggy, “Bad dream?” She smiled.

“No, it was a good one” I smiled, her elderly hands cupped my face.

“You've grown so much-” Her face perplexed, they image shifting to her lying in bed.

I was kneeled, just like the night before she passed, “I know, I wish you were here to see it” I held her hand on my cheek.

“Make sure-” Her face foggy, “Make sure my Kaveh is taken-” 

This conversation, I remember now.

“He is, I took care of him, just like I promised-” My voice actually didn't reach.

“He doesn't have a family Alhaitham, we've all he's got” She teared up.

“I gave him a family-” My voice echoed.

The space was dark, empty, desolate. I couldn't see anything but black; a small spotlight in the middle where I stood. I remember that morning well, even though the dream mixed 3 memories. My Jadda had told me how proud she was, having the funniest night in a while, it was like her spark came back. She was bedridden for 3 months prior, dancing in the kitchen with Kaveh, laughing it up. I thought she had gotten better, until that night she swore she saw my grandpa. 

I knew it was her time.

The morning I woke up, her limbs were cold, fingers stiff. I didn't sob, that took a month. But Kaveh wailed, practically screamed, had a ptsd attack. I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything, while Kaveh felt everything. 

I was so envious he could feel.

I wonder what she would think now, knowing her grandson became the Grand Sage. I know she wouldn't be happy about the way I ended things with Kaveh, or how I stopped our relationship from becoming further. She wouldn't be happy with the baby's situation. 

“Haith-” A voice called out.

I just hope she knows how much I miss her, and how I tried. 

“Alhaitham?” Echoed murmurs bounced.

I love you Jadda-

“Haith!” Kaveh shook me awake finally.

“Huh?” My mouth was so dry, a fever hitting me all over.

“Breakfast” Kaveh pouted.

I couldn't get up, my body sore all over, “Okay” I swung my legs over the bed, Kaveh walked away in a nightgown, his ass swaying with every step.

Fuck I recognized this feeling. 

I got up slowly, my boxers tight, my pajamas rubbing sent shivers down my spine. Kaveh’s scent was magnitudes larger than normal. I held the halls as I walked to the dining room. Rice porridge with cinnamon and cloves sat on my usual spot. 

Kaveh left a stench of irritability behind, but his presence wasn't here. I poured honey into my food, taking a few bites. I heard some wrenching in the distance, but Kaveh hadn't ate yet. Our baby was torturous sometimes to poor Kaveh. 

I heard steps behind me, the smell of anger stenched the room, “I didn't even eat yet!” He looked at his bowl before sitting down. 

I ate slowly, watching Kaveh devour the porridge to avoid more morning sickness. His bedhead was hot, his shirt slightly exposed. You could see his collarbones and down his nipples through his shirt. 

I'm definitely not in my right mind, and Kaveh is too angry to notice. I wanted to slam him on that couch and fuck him until he saw stars. I want him to sit on my cock and ride it until he's full with my knot and can't leave. I want to mark his neck up and down so everyone can see he's mine.

I wanted to make love to him and kiss every part of his body. I wanted in-between his thighs lapping up his slick like a maddened man without water in the desert. 

“Haith?” His voice broke my thoughts.

“Uh-” I paused.

“Are you in rut?” He asked.

“Yeah” I said in guilt.

Kaveh ate his bite slowly, pushing his hair back he slowly got up and cleaned his dish; putting it on the rack and coming to sit back down. He pulled up his hair, tying it in a ponytail.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Keep eating” He bent down under the table, crawling between my legs.

“Kav-” He pulled down my pajama pants, “I told-”

“Shut. the. fuck. up.” He put a finger over my mouth, seductively saying every word. His face lowered over my boxers, playing with the hole in the pocket of them. He pulled out my length, admiring it from the short distance in front of him.

His tongue felt velvety, my body slightly jerking to his skilled licks. Trying to keep calm in my predicament was futile. My hands raked through his blonde locks, I couldn't eat like this. I don't know what Kaveh was thinking, now all I can focus on was him. He swallowed down to my knot, and I couldn't contain my groans. Even if I was covering my mouth, they escaped. 

“Fuck-” I moaned out, I wasn't going to last long which was embarrassing. Usually I lasted about 40 minutes, which I make sure Kaveh has at least done over twice. But in ruts, it was only 5, and I'm being serious. Ruts for me were tough, usually the first day I could contain myself. Show a little restraint, but after, I would black out.

I remember parts of my first rut with Kaveh, he had longer hair then. One of my prominent memories was pulling said blonde locks, while pounding into him from the back. Knotting him and being stuck for however long it was. In the morning I saw the bruises on his hips I left. That's what makes me so nervous when the question of me being rough. Kaveh loved the bruises though, maybe it was the heat getting to his head. 

Maybe he was just a little bit of a masochist. 

I ran my fingers through his hair, his eyes locking with mine as spit ran down the sides of his mouth. My length dragging against his lips with each bob. His tongue was soft, sending needles down my spine every turn of his head. Fuck the porridge, Kaveh was going to be my breakfast. I felt completely gone in moments, gripping his pretty stands between my fingers. His eyes were teary, his jaw slack, and his efforts doubling. I could feel my knot swelling. His eyes verging tears as he took me deeper. My eyes scanned down his night shirt, to his other hand that was pleasuring himself. The way he moaned down after rubbing that spot.

Just suddenly I saw white, unsure of how much time had passed, I felt Kaveh swallow and then choke. Pulling off mid-orgasm, his face was plastered in white streaks. The sides of his mouth mixed with drool and my own. My breath was heavy, my mind blank, as I pulled his face to my lips. Kissing him, I tasted myself, my hands raking down his body to his core. My hand fell down his silk bottoms, lightly going past his bump. He was dripping as my fingers ran up and down his slick folds. 

“Haith-” He hitched into our kiss, a moan vibrating into my tongue. My middle finger circled his clit, as his hips rocked to each touch. I opened my eyes to see him blissfully gone, his eyes closed, chest turning bright red. I pulled out my hand, kicking off my shorts, I grabbed his thighs, lifting him onto the table. 

I sucked into his neck, his pheromones screaming that he wanted this. I kissed his collarbone, undid his shirt and stared down at his stomach. Oh my rut was pretty crazy because all I started saying in my head was how good I fucked him to have him filled with my baby. “Kaveh-” I whispered, running my fingers over his stomach, rimming the edge of his shorts with my fingers. 

“Alhaitham, please-” He begged, grabbing my hand to tear down his shorts. I carefully discarded them to the side of the table. His knees falling apart to reveal a pretty slicked up cunt. My logical reasoning was out the door as my mouth led the way. 

Slick acts like an Aphrodisiac, so logically, it makes sense to give your partner oral. But for me it was the taste of honeysuckle that made me crazy. That made my tongue lap up from his hole, up to his dick. Swirling around the bud, sucking it gently. The light hums and whines that Kaveh mumbled under his lips, trying to stay quiet. His thighs were shaking, tremoring, as my pace kept up. Kaveh by the minute was becoming louder, his lips opening to moan out instead. He could be heard throughout the kitchen now, the echoing of his groans. I sucked harder watching him whine out, his thighs hugging my head. 

He pulled my hair, humming my name under his breath. I doubled my efforts, wanting him to reach his climax. “Haith!” He whined loudly, his hips grinding against my face, “Ah- yes-” He breathed, “Fuck- right there please-” He begged, “Yes, Yes-” His voice became desperate. The room filled with pheromones beyond control, the sounds of slick escaped with every rhythm. The table was creaking gently to Kaveh's hips. 

“Haith I'm-” He warned before a cry escaped, his thighs gripping my head the next second. I drank up the slick that escaped with his orgasm. My tongue became overstimulating to poor Kaveh as the seconds passed, his hips jerking away. 

I pulled up to see sweat sticking to his baby hairs. His thighs sprawled out, dick red to the tip, his chest bare and pink. His eyelashes fluttered through the aftershock. I bent down to kiss him, while his arms wrapped around my neck. All I could think about at that moment was how much I loved him. My hand went south as my mouth explored his lips. My fingers were playing and running through the slick, getting them soaked before I placed my middle in front of his hole. 

I was so damn hard, but I knew I needed to prep him before my knot swelled into him. My fingers scissored him open, a whine into our kiss made me sure he was enjoying this. I placed my fingers directly over his soft spot, hooking softly to make sure a build up could happen. His lips smooched against me one last time before he pulled off to breathe. I kissed up his neck, marking a few spots as he got looser with every touch. 

“Haith, please-” He groaned, “I-” He stopped, moaning out, “Fuck-” He cursed, “Just-”

“Just what?” I whispered into his ear.

“Y'now, for someone in rut you are considerably patient” He sassed, his hips rocking against my fingers, “Mmn-” He whined.

“Good things come to those who wait” I smirked, my fingers going slower.

“Alhaitham, so help me-” His breath lost his breath as my fingers sped up, “Please!” He cried out, hips fucking down to chase a pace. 

“Please what?” I asked, slowing down again.

“Fuck-” He groaned in disappointment, “Haith, fuck me-” His voice begged, “I can't stand this, don't be mean” Tears pricked his eyelashes. 

“Mean? Who said that? I just wanted you to ask correctly” I sarcastically chuckled. 

“Ask-” His eyebrows furrowed, “I don't have to ask for shit-” His foot pushed me down into the chair, getting up from the table his face met mine in anger. “I'm carrying our baby, remember that the next time you fuck with me!” He snapped. “I shouldn't have to ask you should just give” He stuck his nose up. He sat down on my thighs, in front of my growing erection. 

“Give huh?” I smirked, “I should've just given you my body?” My eyes squinted jokingly.

“Whatever I ask, or don't” He pouted, lifting his leg over, using my shoulder for balance. 

“All because I fucked you full-” I whispered, my hand on his stomach.

“Yes-” He breathed, his face reddened as he rubbed my length with his slick. 

“I bred you well-” I flirted, “Made you cum that night over and over-” I kissed behind his ear, he nodded gently. “Made sure you were filled with my cum?” He shuddered to my words, my erection becoming harder as his dick rubbed against mine.

“Knot me” He mumbled, “Please” His eyes begged, I held up his hips by his thighs, slowly lining the tip with his entrance. I let him down slowly, a guttural moan escaping his lips, as I winced at how tight he was. He needed time to adjust for sure, his entrance stopping at the base of my semi-swelled knot. 

“You're so fucking tight-” I whispered, Kaveh loved dirty talk, it was one of the things he communicated a need for. Often I was silent our first couple of times, overwhelmed by stimulus, I couldn't find myself saying anything. Kaveh had said it made him nervous, made him uncertain if I wanted him as much as he did. 

“Mnn-” Kaveh hummed, rocking his hips already on top of me, his hole stretching out over my knot, “Oh fuck!” He snapped, his walls taking all the way to the hilt. “That feels so good-” He caught his breath, “It's been a while” He noted. 

“Yeah” I agreed, staring into his fiery irises. We stayed there for a minute before Kaveh’s hips started moving on their own. Oh I started to lose it by then. It felt so fucking good, I started fucking back into his rocking hips. My knot disappearing each time into his entrance. Lifting up his thighs, I fucked up into his walls. 

“Haith-” He bit his lip, moaning out obscenely, he was so beautiful bouncing on my cock. “Fuck!” He threw his head back, his thighs becoming weak. “Faster-” He begged, “Haith, faster-” I pulled him up onto the table, forgetting about my porridge, it spilled to the side. Kaveh bumping it on his arrival to the table. 

I fucked into him with a slow pace at first, letting some adjustment to the position. My hands gripped under his knees, lifting his leg over my shoulder. Now I had a better grip, my other hand roaming to his clit. Rubbing soft circles onto his dick as I built up to a brutal pace. 

“Fuck-” He groaned, “Haith! Fuck!” He screamed, his slick pouring out onto my length as it disappeared inside him. “Yes, yes, yes, rig-” He bit his lip, “Right there!” He screamed. 

“Fuck baby-” I whispered, my knot swelling more, but his tight walls took every expansion. “You feel so fucking good-” I mumbled out, my pace fast as the slaps began to echo throughout the kitchen. 

“Knot me! Fuck, please, please Haith!” His voice hoarse from screaming. He was so sexy like this, his hair tangling from the friction. His grip became tighter. His eyes erotic, mouth agape as he begged. Sweat sticky to the touch, legs shaking to the max, teeth biting his lip between gasps. His clit hard against my thumb as I flicked it lightly, circling it just as he pleased. I knew I was hyperfocusing on everything, but overall, I knew I would slowly lose that ability as the week went. 

“Oh fuck-” I mumbled, my knot sticking in, swelling against his walls. I shuddered against him, my length releasing white inside him. I could tell it was a lot, his walls felt so slippery inside. 

“Haith, please-” He begged, my thumb had stopped, I went back to business. His moans hitching as his walls tightened, they stayed snug against my knot. But his hips rolled anyway, chasing that second climax. I felt one last squeeze against my knot before he squirted on my length, a small puddle under us. A small scream, with legs trembling, finished the act.

The thing about ruts is, my knot could be swollen for an entire hour. Multiple orgasms also happen as well. Hence, the release of another inside him, “Fuck” I commented, ruts were tortuous, but I felt much more relieved after swelling. 

“Did you just cum again?” Kaveh held his lower stomach, no bulge was visible as the baby was there. 

“Yeah” I mumbled into kisses on his neck.

“Your body is acting like I'm not already pregnant” He mumbled, lifting up to hold against me. 

“Ruts don't really recognize that” I said into his neck. 

“Mnn” Kaveh hummed in response. “I can't walk Haith, could you take us to the bed?” He asked. 

“Yeah” I whispered, lifting him up against my hips, my knot tugging at his walls with the adjustment. I walked gently down the hall to my bedroom, laying us down on the mattress to sleep. The friction of Kaveh’s insides made me shudder more. 

“You okay?” He asked, pushing my bangs to the side as I adjusted us to lay down. 

“Just painful” I winced, finally stopping the tugging. 

“Yeah, your ruts are usually intense" He buried his nose in my neck, “But I love them” He kissed my neck, before licking it, and biting there. “Sensitive?” He asked, biting on my scent gland.

“Yeah” I breathed, he was teasing me again, “Don't stop” I whined.

“Or what?” He asked, stopping.

I paused, “Please baby-” I begged, hand on his hip. His insides squeezing against my shaft. The bites calming down my hormones, and putting me into a sleepy state. I had already notified the Ackedemia of my cycle, Kaveh requested it off as well. I was expecting him to skip it as I requested, but Kaveh is stubborn. 

As stubborn as when we were teenagers. I think I was stubborn back then as well. When Kaveh and I were together, everyone thought we already were. I had tried to hide things from my Grandmother for at least 6 months. Until she barged in my room during a makeout session. 

Maybe I was sleeping but I remember it like yesterday. 

I had turned 15.