Chapter 1: 2x01: Hospital
Chapter Text
Hospital
Quick shot of the row house.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Lionel Garnier comes out of the kitchen and calls for everyone.
LIONEL GARNIER
Right, everyone! I suggest we make a move on if we want to make this appointment!
Enzo grouchily comes out of his room and stomps down the stairs.
ENZO
Nghhh, why do we have to go if Finley’s the one who’s got ball cancer?
Finley bursts out of the bathroom.
FINLEY
Oh, so peeing on a pregnancy test for shits and giggles is my fault all of a sudden?
ENZO
To me, it is.
FINLEY
Come on, I got that shit from the drug store, it was probably defective.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD & HORACE
Rod and Horace sit on the couch.
ROD
Today, our new housemate, Lionel Garnier, who also happens to be Finley’s… familiar? Anyway, he has made some doctor appointments for us at the local hospital.
HORACE
Which is entirely bullshit by the way.
ROD
Horace is just jealous because he thinks, as a former plague doctor for the black plague, he could cure Finley’s testicular cancer/possible pregnancy.
HORACE
One, I am not jealous, and two, I could so cure his ball cancer!
ROD
Okay, I didn’t say you couldn’t.
HORACE
Tch.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ENZO
Enzo sits on his bed.
ENZO
Personally, I’m not excited about going to the doctor, because I’m worried about two things. The staff and Lionel Garnier finding out that we’re monsters and compromising our, mainly my safety and privacy, and no free healthcare. I knew I should’ve just gone to Canada. The racism is arguably less worse there. Arguably.
CUT TO:
INT. CVS - FLASHBACK (NOT REALLY BC IT’S A MOCKUMENTARY BUT WTV)
This entire monologue is being acted out.
Finley is at the CVS, looking around and sees a bunch of pregnancy tests, and suddenly gets the hilarious idea to grab one.
FINLEY (V.O)
Okay, so I was at CVS buying some cigarettes, and I saw that they sold pregnancy tests, and I thought it would be funny if I bought one and used it, seeing as how I’m obviously a dude. With nuts; and a penis.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - FLASHBACK
Horace and Rod wait outside the bathroom door, not sure what to expect.
Finley walks out the bathroom, looking down at the used test with a look of disbelief on his face.
FINLEY (V.O)
But apparently, something went haywire.
FINLEY (PRESENT)
It’s positive.
HORACE
What does that mean?
FINLEY
If someone pees on it and a plus sign shows up, that means they’re pregnant!
Rod and Horace are shocked but try to act supportive.
ROD
Oh! Well, congratulations!
HORACE
That’s great! For you, at least! Who’s the father?
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LIONEL GARNIER
LIONEL GARNIER
When I first heard of this I immediately scheduled an appointment for Master Finley, as he hasn’t had any since 2009. I had also scheduled some appointments for Mr. Abebe, Mr. Balassa, and Mx. Rodriguez, for when I asked when was the last time any of them had stepped foot in a hospital, for Mr. Abebe, it was 2007, Mx. Rodriguez failed to even remember, and Mr. Balassa told me he didn’t need to, because he had practiced medicine during his youth at one point. So I took that as a sign to make the appointments.
CUT TO:
INT. ENZO’S CAR
Everyone is in the car. Lionel Garnier is in the driver’s seat, with Enzo in the passenger.
ENZO
We’re taking my car because…
LIONEL GARNIER
I’d rather risk making a mess in here than the Bentley.
ENZO
Right… and why exactly can’t I drive my own car?
LIONEL GARNIER
(Ominous)
I’m the one who drives. Always have, always will be.
ENZO
Whatever.
ROD
I heard they have blood donations there.
LIONEL GARNIER
Are you thinking of donating some of your own?
ROD
(Lying)
Uh, si! Si, that is exactly what I am thinking.
Horace moves his stethoscope around Finley’s tummy.
HORACE
It seems as though I can’t hear any sort of heartbeat in there.
FINLEY
(Swatting it away)
Fuck off.
ROLL CREDITS.
EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - EVENING
Everyone gets out of the car.
LIONEL GARNIER
Here we are.
Lionel Garnier goes way ahead of everyone, leaving them clumped together.
HORACE
Finny, how come you never told us you had a familiar?
FINLEY
What?
ROD
I never knew werewolves can even have familiars.
ENZO
They can’t, Finley’s family is just filthy rich.
FINLEY
Well, we’re comfortable.
ENZO
And you have a colored man as your servant, a bit problematic if you ask me.
FINLEY
Shut up, I’m not even the one who hired him!
ENZO
Jeez, I’m joking, relax.
When they reach the hospital entrance, Enzo and Finley suddenly freeze.
Horace, Rod, and Lionel Garnier notice this.
ROD
What’s wrong?
ENZO
(Nervous)
I’m suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of dread and fear in my entire body.
FINLEY
(Also nervous)
I-is this a symptom of ball cancer?
ENZO
No, it’s an age-old canine instinct.
HORACE
Oh, great.
BEAT.
FINLEY
Bail?
ENZO
Bail.
Enzo and Finley suddenly run away.
HORACE
Fuck-dammit.
LIONEL GARNIER
I’ve dealt with this before, I’ll be right back.
Lionel Garnier sprints after them.
Horace uses his telekinesis to make Enzo trip over his feet and fall flat on the pavement.
ENZO
Ah! Shit!
ROD
Now he really needs a check up.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION DESK
Horace drags Enzo in by the ear, with Rod trailing behind.
ENZO
(Panicking like crazy)
Ow! Get me out of here!
ROD
(Trying to console him)
Enzo, calm down!
ENZO
NO!
Lionel Garnier walks on screen, dragging Finley by his legs.
FINLEY
(Desperate)
No! Please, no! Don’t make me go in there! Please!
LIONEL GARNIER (TO RECEPTIONIST)
Hello, I’ve made an appointment for one Finley Jones, and others.
RECEPTIONIST
Alright let me just check on here. Finley Jones you said?
FINLEY
NO!
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes, that’s correct.
RECEPTIONIST
Yup, the doctor should be right with you in about 20 minutes.
LIONEL GARNIER
Much regards to you.
Lionel Garnier drags Finley away as he keeps pleading.
ENZO
If you don’t let go of my ear right now, I'm going to kill you with my bare hands!
HORACE
Would that be before or after you run away like a little bitch?
CUT TO:
INT. WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
We are using normal handheld cameras now.
The room is cold and has harsh lighting, and full of empty chairs with maybe one or two other people. Enzo and Finley are both nervous as shit. Enzo shakes in his chair like a rabid chihuahua as Finley hides under Horace’s chair, ass facing the world. Horace reads a boring MEDICAL BOOK. Lionel Garnier… he’s just chillin idk.
Rod is on the floor, intently observing a child play with one of those TOY BEAD MAZES that’s in every waiting room.
ROD
(Melancholy)
Y’know, there were times where Vicenta wasn’t really the best, there were good moments! I just don’t understand what I did wrong. But I do feel bad that I did nothing when she ripped my friend's toy’s head off its little limp body, that I can’t forgive.
CHILD’S MOM ushers her kid away from ROD.
CHILD’S MOM
Please don’t talk to my kid. Come on, honey.
A FEMALE NURSE walks in.
FEMALE NURSE
Finley Jones, the doctor will be ready to see you now.
Finley pokes out and perks up at the Female Nurse.
FINLEY
(With rizz)
At your service.
Horace rolls his eyes. He’s not jealous, quite the last person to be so, she just cringes at Finley’s poor attempts at flirting.
FEMALE NURSE
(Professional)
Just follow me.
FINLEY
(Straight sleazeball)
With pleasure.
Finley gets up and walks flirtily (idk) behind her.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - LATER
FEMALE NURSE
Okay, just head right in here, and Doctor O’Donovan will meet with you in just a minute.
FINLEY
M’kay.
INT. DOCTOR O'DONOVAN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Finley walks in and checks the place out. There are drawings and stickers around the room.
FINLEY
(TO CAMERA)
(WHISTLE) Y’know this might actually not be that bad.
Finley picks up a FRAMED PHOTO OF A MAN & A CHILD on the computer desk and looks at it and becomes rather disappointed.
FINLEY
You think she’s married? Her husband’s a lucky guy. Cute kid. Wonder what’s with the rainbow sticker on the wall?
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN, early 40’s, actually a guy (and quite an attractive one at that), cheery demeanor and rimless eyeglasses, walks in the room with a CLIPBOARD.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
(Welcoming)
Hi! You must be Finley Jones! I’m Doctor O’Donovan, it’s nice to meet you.
FINLEY
(Culture shock)
You’re Doctor O’Donovan?
DOCTOR O'DONOVAN
Indeed, I am. Is there any problem with that?
FINLEY
(Lying)
No. No, no, uh, everything’s fine, (He puts the FRAMED PHOTO face down) I just, ummm… wasn’t expecting a dude, that’s all.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Oh, well, I’m sure it just slipped your mind. Before we get started, I’m just going to ask a few questions about any medical history you think I should know about, if that’s alright.
FINLEY
Yeah! No, yeah, that’s fine!
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Great! Let’s get started.
Finley pulls a quick, subtle “I am so not gonna like this” expression at the camera.
CUT TO:
INT. WAITING ROOM - MEANWHILE
Enzo is still shaking in his chair.
ROD
Enzo, what’s wrong?
ENZO
(Nervous)
It’s a werewolf thing to hate doctors offices. Can I hold your hand? I need to crush something to relieve my stress.
ROD
(Apologetic)
Oh. See, I’d love to, but I sort of have a repulsion to physical touch around people I’m not super close with. I’m sorry, I really do wish I could help. But I’m sure Horace wouldn’t mind.
HORACE
(Oblivious)
Hm?
Enzo grabs Horace’s hand without looking at him and squeezes it inhumanly hard.
HORACE (CON’T)
(In pain)
Oh, fuck! I think you’re breaking it!
ENZO
You’re a vampire, you’ll be fine.
A MALE NURSE walks in.
MALE NURSE
Enzokuhle? The doctor will be ready to see you.
Enzo’s breathing gets faster and he squeezes Horace’s hand harder, causing it to CRACK.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH ENZO
Enzo is sitting up on the bed, still shaking in fear. DOCTOR #1 grabs a REFLEX HAMMER.
DOCTOR #1
Okay, Enzokuhle, I’m just going to check your reflexes real quick.
ENZO
(Quivering)
Mhm.
Doctor #1 lifts the REFLEX HAMMER up to hit Enzo’s knee but Enzo jerkily kicks his leg before it even reaches it.
DOCTOR #1
Ooookay, your reflexes seem up to code.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH ROD
ROD sits intently on the bed as DOCTOR #2 puts on a stethoscope.
DOCTOR #2
We’re just going to be checking your heartbeat.
ROD
Alright. I suppose you are not actually touching me.
DOCTOR #2
It might feel a little cold.
Doctor #2 places the stethoscope on Rod’s chest. She feels around but doesn't hear any sort of heartbeat. Doctor #2 takes the stethoscope off and checks to see if it’s broken.
DOCTOR #2
That’s strange, I don’t hear anything.
ROD
(Hypnotising)
My heartbeat is perfectly normal and alive and we shall skip this part.
DOCTOR #2
(Oblivious)
M’kay then, your heartbeat sounds like it’s beating normally, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
ROD
Ah, wonderful!
DOCTOR #2
Now, let’s test your blood pressure.
Rod realizes they have a lot of hypnotizing to do.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM|INTERVIEW WITH ROD - INTERCUT
ROD is sitting in the middle of the couch.
ROD
(Gobsmacked)
No one gave a warning that you had to be alive to go to the doctor! She almost blew our cover!
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH HORACE - INTERCUT
Horace is lying on the bed in boredom while DOCTOR #3 is asking him questions.
DOCTOR #3
(The most boring mf on the planet, more boring than LG)
So, have you been sexually active within the past 2 weeks?
HORACE
Why? Are you interested?
DOCTOR #3
That would be extremely unprofessional on my part.
HORACE
It would be extremely unprofessional to be such a fucking bore, and you call yourself a doctor, when do we get to the leeches?! I can feel myself dying of boredom already, and I see an alarming lack of any herbs or spices.
DOCTOR #3
That is because I am a medical doctor, not a voodoo witch from the Louisiana bayou.
HORACE
Like you ever could. I bet you don’t even have a cool and mysterious bird mask.
DOCTOR #3
I’m not a furry.
HORACE
You wish you were.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE - INTERCUT
Horace is in his room, standing in front of his casket and acting a jealous bitch.
HORACE
(Peeved)
The entire time, I was debating whether I wanted to fuck him, or fuck him up, because he was that fucking dull. I asked him when he was going to start the blood letting, and he looked at me like I was crazy! Typical.
He holds up the MEDICAL BOOK.
HORACE
And this? Bullshit. All bullshit. I can practically smell it. Everyone knows the four humors of the human body, blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile, not this insulin shit. Also, what’s a furry?
CUT TO:
INT. WAITING ROOM - PRESENT
Lionel Garnier sits in the chair, staring off into space, like he’s some sort of statue.
LIONEL GARNIER (V.O)
I suppose my arrival may have been abrupt.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LIONEL GARNIER - INTERCUT
Lionel Garnier is in the reception room.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Monotone as hell)
I’ll just give a quick rundown as to who I am. My name is Lionel Garnier and I have been working for the Jones family for many years. I take my job very seriously…
(optional improv monologue that’s super boring)
The Receptionist behind him falls asleep and her head drops and makes a THUD on the desk.
Lionel Garnier turns his head at the sight.
He turns back to the camera.
LIONEL GARNIER
What’s her problem? Didn’t get all 40 winks in?
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR O’DONOVAN’S OFFICE - LATER
Doctor O’Donovan asks Finley questions while Finley sits on the bed, against the wall, legs crossed and wanting to get this over with.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Does your family have any history with any sort of cancer?
FINLEY
I’m pretty sure my great grandfather was a Cancer.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Sorry, that’s not what I meant-
FINLEY
My family also has a huge history of smoking, but a quick smoke break never hurt anybody.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Decades worth of smokers with lung cancer state otherwise Mr. Jones.
FINLEY
(Awkwardly)
…Yeah, uh, none that I’m aware of, no.
Doctor O’Donovan writes on his clipboard, under his breath, he mutters, “ no history of cancer” .
Finley can’t stop looking at the FRAMED PHOTO.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
I-I-I couldn’t help but notice you keep looking at my desk. You’re not peepin’ on my kid, are you?
FINLEY
(Taken aback)
What?! No! I wasn’t looking at the kid, I swear!
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
I’m just messing with you. It annoys the hell out of my husband.
FINLEY
(Like he’s never heard of gay people before)
Husband?
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Yeah, he’s great. (Genuine) Sorry if my little… thing took you off guard, we just like to have a little fun around here.
FINLEY
(Muttered)
Pretty fucking odd way of having fun.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Let’s get back on track. Have you felt any sort of pain or swelling in your lower area lately? Does one seem larger than the other?
Finley goes to answer, but then pauses, quickly lifts up the waistband of his shorts and quickly examines his crotch, and puts it down.
FINLEY
Nope.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
(Writing down)
That’s good. Now, I’m going to have to take a look just to make sure, if you’re uncomfortable with that, I’m sure we can arrange something. We can just skip to the blood test, if you want.
FINLEY
(Uncomfortable)
No, yeah, you can- you can check.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
(Reassuring)
Are you 100% sure? You can back out if you’d prefer.
FINLEY
Yeah, I mean… you never know if they like, donk up the blood samples or not, and second opinions never hurt anyone.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
That statement, I can get behind.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH ENZO - LATER
Enzo’s still scared as shit.
DOCTOR #1
Well, your heartbeat and blood pressure seem pretty good, Mr. Abebe, you’re not showing any signs of internal diseases, are you up to date on your shots?
Enzo looks up in horror.
ENZO
W-What?
DOCTOR #1
Have you taken your annual flu shot within the past year? And, I don’t know if something got lost, but I haven’t been able to find any records after 2007.
ENZO
Uh- um- n-no, no. I-is that bad?
DOCTOR #1
Of course not, it’s not legally required but it is recommended by pretty much every doctor. Just sit tight and I’ll be back with the shot.
DOCTOR #1 leaves the room and closes the door.
Enzo scurries from the bed.
ENZO
Fuck this.
He opens the door and shuts it behind him.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Enzo is speed walking through the hallway.
ENZO
I’ve got to get out of here.
He reaches for a random door handle and opens it, but accidentally walks in on Doctor O’Donovan checking Finley’s ‘lower area’, thankfully both are hidden by a giant curtain.
ENZO
(Shocked)
Oh my god!
FINLEY (O.S)
(Terrified)
AHH!
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN (O.S)
Holy shit, I’m sorry, but this room is occupied!
FINLEY (O.S)
(Angry and embarrassed)
Jesus Christ, what the fuck?!
ENZO
I’m so sorry!
FINLEY (O.S)
Get out!
Enzo shuts the door and leans against it, somewhat traumatized at the ordeal.
ENZO (CON’T)
Sorry, Finley!
FINLEY (O.S)
(Muffled)
Just shut up!
Lionel Garnier suddenly shows up.
LIONEL GARNIER
Mr. Abebe?
ENZO
(Exasperated)
Oh, god, what’re you doing here?
LIONEL GARNIER
I came in to check up on Master Finley.
ENZO
…He’s a bit busy.
LIONEL GARNIER
Suppose I’ll just wait here then.
DOCTOR #1 shows up with the FLU SYRINGE.
DOCTOR #1
There you are! Why’d you run off? I’ll lead you back to our room.
Lionel Garnier fixes a long gaze at the terrified, unaware Enzo and gets an idea.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH ENZO - LATER
Lionel Garnier holding down a squirming Enzo on the bed. You know, like a dog.
LIONEL GARNIER
I’m going to have to ask you to remain calm.
ENZO
NEVER!
DOCTOR #1
(Peeved at Lionel)
You know, we typically don’t restrain patients who are in distress.
LIONEL GARNIER
Is that not how it works in the medical business?
DOCTOR #1
It did in the 50’s.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - LATER
Doctor #3 is finishing up on Horace’s report. Horace is not having it.
DOCTOR #3
(Reading from CLIPBOARD)
Okay, here’s your report: severe vitamin D deficiency, low blood pressure, low blood sugar, yet somehow no diabetes a-a-a-and I’ll just give this to you to read. Anything else?
Horace gives Doctor #3 tired “fuck me” eyes.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER
Horace busts out the supply closet, tying his cravat, having finished his business, and closes the door.
Doctor #3 tumbles out the closet, clothes all ruffled, flustered and such.
HORACE (TO CAMERA)
Do I have something on my face? Right- right here? It’s fine, I’ll get it later.
Horace walks off camera.
HORACE (CON’T)
(Muttering to himself)
Vitamin D deficiency, my ass.
Camera whips back to Doctor #3, on the floor, sitting against the wall, panting. Bro had the time of his life in there. He is gonna get so fired lmao.
CUT TO:
INT. A DIFFERENT HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER
Rod rushes out of their room in a hurry. The camera shows Doctor #2 doing something stupid.
ROD (TO CAMERA)
I hypnotized her too many times, she has the brain scramblies. Usually when a human gets them, you’re supposed to kill them, but I think she’ll be fine. I’m going to go look for the blood room.
CUT TO:
INT. BIRTH WING HALLWAY - LATER
Horace wanders around the hallway, makes some sort of gay critique about something, then he overhears a WOMAN SCREAMING from the other room.
He goes towards the sound in wonderance of what that was.
CUT TO:
INT. BIRTH WING - CONTINUOUS
Horace walks in on a woman (late 20’s) giving birth, as her consoling wife (also late 20’s) holds onto her hand with doctors and nurses surrounding them.
NURSE #1
Sir, you can’t be in here-
HORACE
(Hypnotizing)
Shut up, I got this.
Horace walks up to the mother, in the process of labor.
LABORER’S WIFE
Where’s the doctor?!
HORACE (CON’T)
You are looking at her! Alrighty, what seems to be the problem he-
Horace becomes wide-eyed horrified at the (off screen) sight of the situation.
There’s a BABY CRYING.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR O’DONOVAN’S OFFICE - MEANWHILE
NURSE #2 is drawing blood from Finley’s arm with a SYRINGE.
NURSE #2
Alright, make a fist for me.
Finley makes a fist.
Nurse #2 takes the syringe out of his arm.
NURSE #2
I’ll take this back to the lab to get tested, and you should get your results in about 2 or 3 days!
FINLEY
Sounds cool.
Nurse #2 leaves the room with the SYRINGE.
FINLEY (TO DOCTOR O’DONOVAN)
So, if I do get ball cancer, that can be treated, right? It’ll still work?
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Yes, if it’s not in any late stages, but from what I’ve seen I think you should be fine, it’s just good to make sure.
FINLEY
Yeah. Cool, yeah.
BEAT.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
(Coy)
Well… just thought I should let you know that if you have any questions, you can come to me. I’m also a friend of Dorothy, if you couldn’t tell by the photo.
FINLEY
What?
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
I mean, call me a stereotype but I do fancy myself a nice Beaujolais every so often.
Finley finally gets it in his head.
FINLEY
Sorry, I’m- I’m not gay, I’m straight.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Oh my god, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.
FINLEY
What impression did I give you that I was gay?
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
You didn’t, I- that was a mistake on my part, I tend to do that, I try not to but it just slips out. I love my job but it gets really boring around here, and… This is extremely unprofessional on my part.
FINLEY
(Withdrawn)
It’s whatever.
They both stand up and shake hands.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
You should be expecting a call from us in a few days.
FINLEY
Right, talk to you later.
DOCTOR O’DONOVAN
Have a good one.
Finley walks past Doctor O’Donovan and out the door.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Finley closes the door behind him.
Rod suddenly speedwalks past him holding onto their hat.
FINLEY
Oh, hey Rod.
ROD
(Nervy)
Hey, Finley!
FINLEY
What’s going on with your hat?
ROD
What blood bags?
A blood bag falls out of Rod’s hat and SPLATS on the floor.
FINLEY
Oh, be careful, those might be diseased.
ROD
…With what?
FINLEY
You know, STD’s, cancer, all that junk. There’s also people who have to have blood transfused because they might’ve lost a lot in an accident-
ROD
(Guilty)
I’m going to put these back.
Rod walks down the other way, and pauses at the intersection, looking both ways.
ROD (CON’T)
Which way was it again?
Enzo suddenly runs past them.
ROD (CON’T)
Enzo?
Doctor #1 and Lionel Garnier suddenly runs past as well.
DOCTOR #1
We’ve got a runner!
ROD
Lionel Garnier? Hm. Must be this way then.
Rod goes the opposite way.
CUT TO:
INT. OUTSIDE THE MATERNITY WARD
The wife is looking at her triplets in awe.
WIFE
My god. I’m a mom.
Horace is trying not to throw up in the back.
Wife turns her head at him.
WIFE
Hey, doc. Thanks.
Horace DRY HEAVES.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE - INTERCUT
HORACE
(Traumatized)
Three times. I had to witness that three times. I didn’t even know that was possible. The thing about eternal life is that you forget how it begins. (GAG) I think I’m going to stave off blood for a while. Oh, poor Finny.
CUT TO:
INT. OUTSIDE OF MATERNITY WARD - INTERCUT
Horace straightens up and sees Enzo running up to him.
HORACE
(Confused)
What the blazes?
ENZO
OUT OF THE WAY!
The second Enzo passes Horace, Horace reaches out his hand and uses his telekinesis to stop Enzo, who suddenly freezes in place.
ENZO (CON’T)
What the fuuuuuuck? Horace? What are you doing?!
HORACE
Shut up.
Horace walks up to him and grabs him by the ear again.
ENZO
Ow!
HORACE
That’s for almost decimating my hand earlier. I use that hand for sex! What would I do if I lost it?!
Horace drags him away as he begs for mercy.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY
Finley stands in the waiting room.
FINLEY
How was our doctor's appointment?... It was fine, I guess. What do you want me to say?
CUT TO:
INT. BLOOD BANK - INTERCUT
Rod walks in the room, takes their hat off, and curiously looks around to find a place to put the blood bags back.
FINLEY (V.O)
Place seems pretty secure.
Rod finds a table and settles for this one.
ROD
I suppose I could just put them here, they doctors will know what to do with them.
Rod puts all the bags on the table, but one falls and punctures.
ROD (CON’T)
Oh! Shoot!
Rod makes a difficult decision. They carefully pick up the bag and start sucking on it.
ROD
(Indulgent)
Mmmmm! Oh, it’s virgin!
They continue sucking on the bag until DOCTOR #4 walks in.
DOCTOR #4 (O.S)
Hey! Who’s in there?!
Rod makes an “Eek!”, assess the situation and quickly turn into a bat, carrying the bag with them.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH ENZO - INTERCUT
Lionel Garnier is holding Enzo down as Doctor #1 finally jabs the syringe into Enzo’s uncovered arm and inserts the stuff.
FINLEY (O.S)
And we didn’t, like, cause any trouble, or anything.
Enzo briefly winces at the pain, but once Doctor #1 takes it out, Enzo comes to his senses. Doctor #1 places a bandaid over the
ENZO
That was a lot less worse than I thought it would be.
DOCTOR #1
Yeah, shots tend to do that… it’s okay, you can move now.
Horace lets go of his telekinesis and Enzo goes limp and falls on the floor.
FINLEY (O.S)
A–a-and no one got hurt, I don’t think.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY
FINLEY
Ummmmm… yeah that’s about it.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - LATER
The gang waits outside by Enzo’s car.
Rod takes out the half empty blood bag.
ROD
Want some? It’s virgin, your favorite~
HORACE
(Almost throwing up)
I’m fine.
ENZO
I said I was sorry!
FINLEY
(Clearly cares)
Again, I don’t care!
ENZO
You clearly do! I think this has to do with that doctor.
HORACE
(Suddenly intrigued)
What doctor?
FINLEY
(Murderous)
Don’t.
BEAT.
ENZO
Are you gay, Finley?
FINLEY
What?!
ROD
It’s okay, you can tell us, we don’t care, as you’ve probably noticed.
FINLEY
…No! I’m straight! I thought everyone knew that!
HORACE
(Slightly devastated)
Oh, okay.
ENZO
Ohhhhh (seethes through teeth as he turns his head to Horace and Rod) he’s the straight token.
Rod nods solemnly.
ROD
(Reasurring)
But that’s still okay.
ENZO
Debatable.
Lionel Garnier walks to the car.
LIONEL GARNIER
Right, everyone into the car, we must make haste.
FINLEY
For what?
LIONEL GARNIER
Because not only were you in much need of a doctor’s appointment, you’re in much need of a dentist appointment as well.
HORACE, ENZO, FINLEY, & ROD
(Concerned)
Dentist?!
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes, Master Finley is massively overdue for getting his wisdom teeth out, and just take a gander at Mr. Balassa and Mx. Rodriguez’s chompers, that’s not normal.
HORACE
(To himself)
Not to you, maybe.
ENZO
What about me? I already got my wisdom teeth out.
LIONEL GARNIER
Oh, I just scheduled you for a deep cleaning.
Enzo GULPS.
CUT TO:
INT. ENZO’S CAR - LATER
The gang are all in the car after a (presumably disastrous) trip to the dentist. Lionel Garnier is driving everyone home with a blank face, my man Finley is zooted on laughing gas and has all that gauze stuff in his mouth.
Rod prods at the gaps their fangs once were and makes a pained sound every time, then Horace (who also got his fangs yoinked out) swats their hand away and says, “stop that.”
Enzo is the most traumatized from whatever happened.
ENZO
(Grave)
Never again.
FINLEY
(High as balls)
Hey, hey guyth. I love you guyth.
Finley hugs Horace, making him confused. What does he want from him? What are they? What does Horace mean to him?
ROD
Did they have to yank so hard?
HORACE
That novocaine didn’t do shit for us, makes sense it’s called “no-vocaine” and not “yes-vocaine”.
Finley laughs hysterically.
LIONEL GARNIER
I’m curious as to why you all prefer to go out during the night, it’s almost as if you’re vampires or something.
BEAT.
No one makes a sound, like if they do they’d be caught.
ENZO
Just keep driving.
LIONEL GARNIER
As you wish. Hm, it’s very hard to see in here.
LIONEL GARNIER turns the lights on, making everyone either GROAN, YELL, or HISS, and most of them swear at him (except Rod of course because they don’t swear(WEREWOLVES NOT SWEARWOLVES)).
Bad Case of Lovin You plays.
END CREDITS
Chapter 2: 2X02: Secrets
Summary:
The gang try to keep their abilities a secret from Lionel Garnier, but it horrendously backfires.
Chapter Text
Secrets
EXT. ROWHOUSE - NIGHT
Shot of the Rowhouse.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
Enzo is in the kitchen with a TIMER.
ENZO
Ready?!
CUT TO:
INT. LOFT - CONTINUOUS
Rod and Finley are in front of the bathroom prepping for a race.
ROD
(Shouting)
Ready!
FINLEY (TO ROD)
I’m so gonna beat you.
ROD
(Childish)
Nuh-uh.
FINLEY
(Even more childish)
Yuh-huh.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
ENZO
And… go!
We hear pattering footsteps from upstairs. Rod jumps through the wall and lands next to Enzo.
Finley runs in a few seconds late.
FINLEY
(Tired and catching his breath)
Beat… that…
ENZO
Oh, they did! By 3 seconds! Rod, you are the winner.
ROD
(Modest)
Oh, it’s nothing. (To Finley) Are you panting?
FINLEY
(Tongue out)
God thubid a man tlies t’ coo oth.
HORACE
Watch it with the g-word talk!
Camera shows Horace and Lionel Garnier on the couch. Lionel Garnier thankfully hadn’t been paying attention, mostly just staring off into space.
LIONEL GARNIER
That Mx. Rodriguez sure is quite the runner.
Horace turns his head in an angry mom manner.
HORACE
(Loud whisper)
Talk later.
ENZO
But-
HORACE
La. Ter.
ROD
But we weren’t-
HORACE
I will not repeat myself.
BEAT.
ENZO
Finley, you can stop panting now.
Finley retracts his tongue.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LIONEL GARNIER|ATTIC - LATER
Lionel Garnier is in his pajamas sitting on his sad, sad mattress in the attic. It’s dark, and he only has a blanket and his essentials and suitcase.
LIONEL GARNIER
I have been living in this residence for a handful of months now.
INT. BATHROOM - INTERCUT
Lionel Garnier brushes his teeth in the mirror, unbeknownst to vampire shenanigans happening behind him.
LIONEL GARNIER (V.O)
It’s been nice to finally catch a little break from the everyday hectics of life.
INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT
Lionel Garnier stands above Enzo, laying on the couch and on his phone.
LIONEL GARNIER (V.O)
And my stay has been welcoming.
Enzo finally notices Lionel Garnier there and flinches as his phone lands on his face.
INT. LOFT - INTERCUT
Finley is aiming a DART at a TARGET hanging on the bathroom door as Lionel Garnier watches.
LIONEL GARNIER (V.O)
Me and master Finley go way back, so I’ve been hanging around him mostly.
FINLEY
Watch this, Lionel.
Rod walks out their room writing in their JOURNAL at the last minute, but it’s too late, Finley throws the DART and it sticks to their head.
ROD
Ow! Miercoles!
FINLEY
Holy shit!
LIONEL GARNIER
Dear lord!
FINLEY
Rod, I’m so sorry!
ROD
It’s fine! Wow, you really stuck that in there!
Rod painfully plucks it out and places it in Lionel Garnier’s hand.
ROD (CON’T)
Here, Lionel Garnier. Oww… I wish that could've gone through me, or something.
Lionel Garnier examines the DART.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LIONEL GARNIER|ATTIC
Lionel Garnier continues examining it.
LIONEL GARNIER
Curious… there seems to be no noticeable blood.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
The gang are all in the dining room, Horace on one side, the rest on the other. He’s lecturing them as the camera watches from the living room.
HORACE
I cannot believe I have to even say this to you, but you have all gotten sloppy about keeping your abilities a secret from Lionel Garnier. Finny, I saw this coming miles away from you.
FINLEY
Hey!
HORACE
But the rest of you, I am absolutely shocked. Rod, you’d think after almost 24 decades of knowing each other, you’d be able to master it by now. Enzo, I am the most baffled by, are you not the one who suggested to “keep it a secret”?
ENZO
Yeah, I’m not really worried about him anymore, the guy has like, zero situational awareness.
FINLEY
He does so!
ENZO
Shut up.
ROD
Horace, you were the one who got attacked by Enzo for being a vampire not even a day after he moved in.
ENZO
That is true, I did try to kill you and ship you off to China.
HORACE
No, it’s because you went around and started taking in strays and left everything out in the fucking open!
ROD
That is so not true!
ENZO
Fuck you mean by strays?!
FINLEY
We’re housebroken, tested, and fixed! Well, not fixed, but you get the gist!
HORACE
(Pointing at both of them)
You both know full well what I meant by that.
Enzo and Finley bite both of his fingers. Horace exclaims in pain, then flies up and hisses.
Enzo and Finley grab onto his legs, then Horace flies out the dining room and above the living room, Rod flies up to break it up but Finley accidentally hits them in the face and they hiss.
There’s hissing, growling, arguing the whole shebang. They finally notice Lionel Garnier at the railing in his pajamas, staring at them in a world war II soldier-like state of shock, and they stare back with that same fixed look.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Shell shock)
This… is just a dream. All I have to do is wake myself up, and this will be gone.
Lionel Garnier takes a deep breath, then bitch slaps himself in the face. He looks up to see the ordeal gone. In respite, he SIGHS.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Relief)
Thank goodness, I thought that was real for a minute.
He goes up the ladder and retreats to the attic.
Camera moves down to show Enzo, Horace, Finley, and Rod hiding in the dining room, shaking in fear.
ENZO
We need to kill Lionel Garnier.
ROLL CREDITS.
INT. KITCHEN - LATER
The gang minus Lionel Garnier are discussing his eventual fate.
FINLEY
Enzo, we are not killing Lionel!
ENZO
Do you have any better ideas? He caught us while we were in feral mode, and we were lucky he thought it was a dream. I’m not excited about this either.
HORACE
You’re sharpening cutlery knives.
Enzo looks down at his hands holding the KNIVES, then puts them on the counter.
ENZO
No I’m not.
ROD
There must be some other way. Maybe we can try hypnotizing him into forgetting it ever happened.
HORACE
That might actually work.
Lionel Garnier walks in, oblivious to the conversation.
LIONEL GARNIER
Greetings, everyone.
HORACE & ROD
(Hypnotizing)
Forget the dream you had about us floating, pretty please.
Lionel Garnier looks at them, unphased. He turns his head to Finley.
LIONEL GARNIER
Master Finley, what’s the meaning of this.
FINLEY
(Lying)
Oh, don’t mind them, they’re uh. TikTok influencers! TikTok influencers, yeah. Say, have you had any weird dreams last night?
LIONEL GARNIER
Indeed I did, in fact you were all in it. I had dreamt that these two were floating in mid-air, and you and Mr. Abebe were clinging on to Mr. Balassa’s legs. Now, if you excuse me, I have a lot of dusting to tend to. (To Enzo) Hand me that duster, will you?
ENZO
Um, y-yeah.
Enzo hands him the DUSTER.
LIONEL GARNIER
Much appreciation.
Lionel Garnier leaves like wind sweeping leaves.
HORACE
(Hushed & freaking out)
What the fuck? What the actual fuck?
ROD
(Over Horace)
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?
ENZO
How the shit did that not work?! I thought hypnosis worked on humans!
HORACE
It does, but whatever THAT is… it’s not human, but some soulless being.
FINLEY
He’s not soulless, come on.
ROD
No, have you SEEN his face?! It’s just a blank stare, look.
Rod perfectly mimics Lionel Garnier’s blank look.
ENZO
Exactly, nothing behind those eyes.
FINLEY
Jesus fuck, what is wrong with you people?! I’ve known Lionel practically my whole life, he got me out of a bad spot during my 20’s, and you just want to kill him? Maybe have some goddamn sympathy for once!
Finley rises and charges out of the kitchen.
HORACE
Finny, where are you going?
FINLEY (O.S)
The dark and spooky chamber, maybe Princey Fluffernutter will have more sense than any of you cold, wet, shits!
Finley exits in rage.
ENZO
Let him be.
ROD
Sorry, but I’m with Finley on this one.
ENZO
You’re shitting me.
ROD
I can assure you that I am not, because vampires can’t exhume body waste like normal humans do.
ENZO
I know vampires can’t shit.
ROD
It’s just that he didn’t really do anything wrong, per say. It’s just that he’s a little… boring.
HORACE
And annoying.
ENZO
And creepy. He reminds me of an alternate from the Mandela Catalogue.
BEAT.
HORACE
He reminds you of a configuration of geometric symbols that are significant in Asian cultures?
ROD
No, that’s mandala.
HORACE
He reminds you of the first president of South Africa?
ROD
That’s Nelson Mandela, but if that is what you’re implying, Enzo, then that is incredibly racist.
HORACE
So racist, and colorist.
ENZO
…I’M LITERALLY BLACK!
HORACE
Racism isn’t just limited to caucasians you know.
ROD
We know, we’ve seen it all.
HORACE
It’s just one giant origami swan of hate.
Enzo just leaves the kitchen in disbelief and goes upstairs.
ROD
He’ll come around.
CUT TO:
INT. LOFT - CONTINUOUS
Enzo goes upstairs and opens the door to his room to find Lionel Garnier dusting.
Lionel Garnier turns his head and sees Enzo.
LIONEL GARNIER
Ah, Mr. Abebe.
ENZO
Lionel Garnier?
LIONEL GARNIER
I hope you don’t mind me barging in.
Lionel Garnier turns around, and Enzo grabs the STAKE out from the wall.
ENZO
(Clearly minds)
No, I don’t mind.
Enzo sneaks up behind him.
LIONEL GARNIER
It has been quite lonely back in the original Jones’ home. I’ve mostly been surrounded by the vast shallowness of its walls. I was really the only servant who bothered to stick around long.
Lionel suddenly turns around and Enzo hides the STAKE behind his back.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
It really is nice to have another, how you say… brother in the house.
ENZO
Um, uh, yeah, yeah, no problem.
Enzo holds up his fist. Lionel Garnier looks at it, and grabs and shakes it like a handshake.
LIONEL GARNIER
I bid you adieu.
Lionel Garnier SNEEZES loudly.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
Excuse me.
Lionel Garnier leaves Enzo’s room.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ENZO - LATER
Enzo sits on his bed with his hands in his hair. Like the shinji meme.
ENZO
I couldn’t do it. I thought this would be easier. Wait…
He quickly checks his pillow and finds TOFFEE, now sewn back together.
ENZO (CON’T)
Oh, thank fuck. We’re really in it now, Toffee.
He holds it close to his chest. He realizes the camera is right there and flips like a switch.
ENZO (CON’T)
Wha- get out!
He chucks TOFFEE at the camera, which goes black.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Horace is on the couch reading, while Rod leans against him.
ROD
Do you think Vicenta would like Lionel Garnier?
HORACE
It’s like you’re a street dog chained to her word. Word of advice, if I hate someone, then it’s someone you should also hate.
ROD
You hate everyone except for Finley.
HORACE
Hey, I kept you around for this long. Besides, you’re still pining for her?
ROD
It’s not exactly easy to get over a break up after you’ve been dating for almost 280 years. Honestly, I don’t think it’s hit me just yet.
HORACE
Do you know how close I am to counting fingers with both hands the amount of times she has made you cr-
Lionel Garnier SNEEZES loudly off screen from upstairs.
ROD
That sounded like it came from my room.
Rod gets up from the couch.
CUT TO:
INT. ROD’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rod walks in on Lionel Garnier dusting their room. Their mostly undead heart drops when they see him next to their casket.
ROD
Uh-
LIONEL GARNIER
(Stuffy)
Forgive me, I have severe allergies to dust and animal hair. This casket seems to be caked in debris.
Lionel Garnier takes a deep breath.
ROD
WAIT-
Horace walks in at the last minute.
Lionel Garnier blows on the casket, making dust fly everywhere and causing Rod and Horace to COUGH, and him to SNEEZE uncontrollably, repeating the phrases ‘excuse me’ and ‘oh great heavens’ after each SNEEZE.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Horace, Rod, and Enzo are sitting on the couch, and there’s a blaring VACUUM NOISE in the background. They seem… almost drained. Princey Fluffernutter sneaks out from the dark and spooky chamber and horrifyingly crawls on the floor without a sound and hides in the dining room behind them.
ENZO
I couldn’t do it. I almost had him, but he started going on about having another brother in the house and that janked me up.
ROD
He went into my room and got dust and his mucus everywhere.
ENZO (TO HORACE)
Horace, what’d he do to you?
HORACE
Nothing, he’s just so incredibly draining to be around, he went on about this muskrat named Ellen? Elbert? Rod, fetch me my book, won’t you?
ROD
I don’t think I have the energy to do it.
They all GROAN back to back.
Finley climbs out the dark and spooky chamber and frantically searches the room.
FINLEY
(Terrified)
Shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit shit, shit, fuck shit, fucking shit, shitting fuck.
HORACE
Finny. Come here.
Finley freezes.
ROD
Finley…
ENZO
Finley, what did you do?
Finley slowly turns around.
FINLEY
Okay, don’t get mad. Princey Fluffernutter escaped again.
HORACE
HE WHAT?!
FINLEY
SHHHH! I said don’t get mad!
HORACE
You let him out again, of course we’re going to be fucking mad!
ROD
[This is bad, really really bad.]
ENZO
Where is he?! (Louder) WHERE IS HE?!
FINLEY
…Right behind you.
Camera shows Princey Fluffernutter standing over them… MENACINGLY.
HORACE
Don’t. Move.
Princey places a hand on Horace’s shoulder. Horace WHIMPERS.
Princey places another hand on Enzo’s face. Enzo WHIMPERS as well.
Princey tips Rod’s bowler hat off with his chin and puts it on their head.
Rod freaks out and rises from the couch.
ROD
EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, HE TOUCHED MY HEAD, HE TOUCHED MY HEAD, EW!
Horace uses his telekinesis to forcefully push Princey to the ground into the dining room, and shuts both the doors. Rod quickly puts their hat back on.
HORACE
Bar the doors!
Finley, Enzo, and Rod go up to the doors and try to keep them from opening as Princey repeatedly POUNDS on them from the inside.
Horace telekinetically pushes the couch against them, accidentally punching them in their guts.
ENZO
Fucking hell.
FINLEY
Ow.
Horace then telekinetically lifts them up and drops them onto the couch.
The POUNDING stops.
ENZO
I think he stopped.
HORACE (TO FINLEY)
How could you let him out again after last time?!
ROD
And how did he not kill you after last time?!
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY|KITCHEN
Finley sits at the kitchen table.
FINLEY
I think he could just sense my vibes, y’know? I was down in the dark and spooky chamber doing what I was doing, stomping skulls in, then I saw Princey, like, right there. I was like, “yo, Princey it’s me, chill.”
INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT
Finley SCREAMS in terror off screen in the dark and spooky chamber.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY|KITCHEN
FINLEY
Then I realized… he was chill! I think the guy just needed a drinking buddy. Also he broke the bars to his cage, that thing was old as hell. We hung out for a bit, then he uh… he started climbing up the ladder. Really fast. I wasn’t able to catch up to him.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
The gang sit on the couch and are all on edge. They hear FAINT growls from the room. Finley pulls out his BOX OF CIGARETTES and LIGHTER, lights one up and starts smoking. They all speak in a loud whisper.
ENZO
Are you really gonna start smoking right now?!
FINLEY
It calms my nerves, you should try it sometime!
ENZO
What? Smoking?
FINLEY
Calming your damn nerves!
HORACE
We shall intervene with Finny’s addiction later.
FINLEY
I don’t have an addictio-
HORACE
Rod, poke your head through the door and see what he’s doing.
ROD
Why do I have to? Fine!
HORACE
Whatever you do, don’t look it in the eyes!
ROD
Así, así, no lo haré.
Rod pokes their head through the door.
Rod brings their head back with a traumatized look on their face.
ROD (CON’T)
He looked at me.
ENZO
What was he doing?
ROD
He was just standing there… MENACINGLY.
FINLEY
Check again.
ROD
I’m not checking again! I looked it in the eyes!
HORACE
Rod, poke your head back in there again, or so help me!
Rod GROANS annoyingly and pokes their head back in again.
ROD
(Muffled)
Oh shoot!
ENZO
What is it?
LIONEL GARNIER
What’s what?
Rod immediately pulls back before Lionel Garnier (at the top of the stairs) could see them, and they all try to act normal. Not very well, mind you.
FINLEY
Hey, Lionel! How ya been?!
LIONEL GARNIER
What’s with this new furniture arrangement?
HORACE
We’re just trying something new.
ROD
W-what do you think?
LIONEL GARNIER
I’ve seen tackier. I went ahead and threw out that jar of pickled eggs for you, Mr. Balassa, they were exhausting a rather odorous odor. If you excuse me, I have much more things to tend to.
Lionel Garnier walks to the bathroom.
Horace angrily rises and rushes to the kitchen.
HORACE
That son of a bitch! My colle-sticles!
FINLEY (TO ROD)
So, what did you see?
ROD
Nothing!
ENZO
Fuck do you mean nothing?!
ROD
He wasn’t in the room, I looked everywhere!
Horace walks back in with the TESTICLE JAR, relieved.
HORACE
What a relief, what did I miss?
FINLEY
Princey’s not in the room anymore!
Horace drops the TESTICLE JAR in shock and it SHATTERS.
ROD
I did see that the entrance to the vent was ripped open.
They hear SCRATCHES and GRUNTS coming from the walls.
ENZO
He’s in the goddamn walls.
ROD
No, he’s going to get lost and scared in there!
HORACE
Fuck that, he’s going to suffocate us all!
FINLEY
I don’t want to breathe in dead strigoi skin flakes!
ENZO
Rod, go in the walls and track him down and lead him out, make sure he doesn’t get into the bathroom. We’ll bang on the walls where he might hear something.
Rod flies into the walls.
ROD (O.S)
Princey Fluffernutter! Where are you?!
SCRATCHING near the stairs. FINLEY runs over and BANGS on the wall.
FINLEY
He’s over here!
SCRATCHING near the chimney. Enzo BANGS on the wall there.
ENZO
Now he’s here!
Princey Fluffernutter’s hand breaks out from a vent door on the floor and grabs at the camera man's leg, causing him to drop it and Princey Fluffernutter to snatch it and scurry back into the vents.
CUT TO:
INT. THE VENTS - CONTINUOUS
In a POV shot, Princey goes through the complicated maze that is their ventilation system.
He stops and puts the camera down, facing him. He gently taps the glass in curiosity.
Rod suddenly pops their head in, scaring him.
ROD
There you are!
Princey SCREECHES and punches Rod in the nose.
He scurries away with the camera.
ROD (O.S)
Ow! My nose! Where did you learn to punch?!
HORACE (O.S)
He is heading towards the bathroom!
Princey stops at a vent door. He carefully unscrews it and crawls out.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Lionel Garnier is resting in the bath while he hums a song from Blood Brothers (1993) that’s playing on his PHONE.
Princey puts the CAMERA on the floor, and quietly steps around the bathroom, examining it. He’s suddenly intrigued by the PHONE.
LIONEL GARNIER
Is there someone in here?
Lionel Garnier opens the curtain.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
(Absolutely terrified)
U-um… please state your business.
Princey points at the PHONE.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
Do you like the song? I- it’s from the hit musical Blood Brothers.
Rod jumps from the wall and tackles Princey.
ROD
I got him!
They thrash around for a bit, until Horace, Enzo, and Finley barge in and try to grab hold of him.
Bailey quickly runs in and grabs the camera and gets the gang in shot.
Princey squeezes through and tumbles on the carpet.
BAILEY
Sorry.
Bailey runs out after Enzo, Horace, Finley, and Rod all dogpile on Princey in that order.
Lionel Garnier comes out with a soft green robe on and plays the song on his PHONE, which catches Princey’s attention. He squirms out from the dogpile and grabs the PHONE and listens to the song.
The gang are finally caught. No way to back out now.
FINLEY
Heyyyyyy, Lionel.
ENZO
See you’ve met our friend here…
LIONEL GARNIER
What. Is. THE MEANING OF THIS?!
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Lionel Garnier is on the couch, now somewhat collected, as Finley, Horace, Rod, and Enzo have finished giving him an explanation while being cautious of Princey, who’s smack dab in the middle and still listening to the phone.
LIONEL GARNIER
So, let me get this straight. If I am correct, Mr. Balassa and Mx. Rodriguez are vampires.
ROD
Si.
HORACE
Indeed.
LIONEL GARNIER
And Master Finley and Mr. Abebe are werewolves?
ENZO
That is correct.
FINLEY
Bingo.
LIONEL GARNIER
And this… thing is a strigoi, named Princey Fluffernutter. Why is his name Princey Fluffernutter?
FINLEY
(Unknowing)
Mmm.
ENZO
I wish we could tell you.
HORACE
I have no idea.
ROD
I don’t know, it just fitted him, I guess.
Lionel Garnier reaches down to grab his phone from Princey.
LIONEL GARNIER
May I have my phone back, please?
Princey hisses at Lionel Garnier.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
Actually, you can have it. And there is an ongoing centuries-long rivalry between vampires and werewolves? Like twilight?
ENZO
It’s a lot less glamorized than you think.
HORACE
We mostly just hiss and growl at each other, and hurl insults at each other, some more clever than others.
ROD
We are just keeping our situation on the low-down until tensions between our people ease, which may take a while.
LIONEL GARNIER
I see. Master Finley, how come you’ve waited so long to tell me all of this?
ENZO
Seriously? You expected him to tell you that he was attacked by a humanoid wolf, thus turning him into a humanoid wolf, moved in with a pansexual werewolf, two even queerer vampires, this thing, fuck knows what he’s into, and just… believe him? Do you know how much of a toll it can take on someone to find out that monsters are real, that their entire life and perception of it has been a lie?
LIONEL GARNIER
I actually am quite experienced in that field, as I’m experiencing it right now.
ENZO
Still.
FINLEY
Nah, I was actually going to tell him but I forgot. So.
ENZO (TO FINLEY)
You are unbelievable.
HORACE
So, you’re not going to, how you say, kill us are you?
ROD
It would be very inconvenient if you did.
LIONEL GARNIER
I’m flattered you assume I have the balls to attempt such things, but I have to infer that one against five just doesn’t seem like a fair fight.
HORACE
You’ve clearly never heard of the New York Vampire Tri-State Massacre of 2019, committed by just one measly familiar, mind you.
FINLEY
Hm?
ENZO
Oh yeah, I heard about that.
ROD
I heard that he was actually the familiar of-
HORACE
We do not speak his name!
ROD
Alright, geez. (TO FINLEY) We’ll explain it to you later.
FINLEY
I feel like you’re not.
ENZO
We’re not.
Lionel Garnier CLEARS HIS THROAT.
HORACE
You must promise us this one thing: never speak of this to anyone. We’re all lucky that you are not a vampire hunter, that includes you. You get my drift? If not, we’ll have to kill you.
LIONEL GARNIER
Drift is gotten.
HORACE
Good, good.
Horace briefly pats Lionel Garnier’s cheeks.
FINLEY
Alright bring it in, big guy.
Finley puts Lionel Garnier in a headlock and gives him a noogie.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Enzoooo
ENZO
No, no, absolutely not, no!
Finley gives Enzo a noogie.
FINLEY
Horace, my main man!
HORACE
I highly suggest you don’t do tha-
Finley gives Horace another noogie.
HORACE (CON’T)
Ow! Fuck, my cranium!
FINLEY
Rod-
ROD
No.
FINLEY
Mkay.
Finley attempts to noogie Princey but he makes a low growl and Finley backs away.
LIONEL GARNIER
May I go back to my bath now? I think the water’s getting cold.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ENZO, ROD, FINLEY, HORACE, & PRINCEY FLUFFERNUTTER|LIVING ROOM - LATER
Princey Fluffernutter is basically an ipad kid at this point.
ENZO
Uh, our biggest takeaway from this? You guys got anything?
ROD
That Lionel Garnier fully understands our situation, and there is nothing to worry about.
FINLEY
Amen.
HORACE
I was going to say that we’re absolute shit at keeping secrets.
ENZO
Y’know, I think Lionel Garnier’s got a secret himself.
ROD
What makes you say that?
FINLEY
Seriously? This?!
ENZO
I’ve got a theory that he isn’t human either, like we discussed earlier but perhaps an-
Lionel Garnier comes out of nowhere and strikes a machete right next to Horace.
HORACE
SHIT!
FINLEY
Lionel, chill! Chill!
Princey doesn’t acknowledge any of the chaos.
END CREDITS.
Notes:
Sorry if the ending seemed a little rushed.
Next chapter will focus on them getting stuck in the backrooms
Chapter 3: 2x03: The Backrooms
Summary:
The gang no clip into the backrooms. Horace starts to reconsider his relationship with Finley, and Enzo will go through any length to find his beloved Toffee
Notes:
CW(?): characters emotionally suffering I guess. Also backrooms and feelings of despair. Just generally having a hard time
Chapter Text
The Backrooms
EXT. ROW HOUSE - NIGHT
Shot of the row house.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rod unties Lionel Garnier from the chair.
ROD
Now, Lionel Garnier, have we learned our lesson about not killing our friends?
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes.
ROD
Good.
Camera pans to Horace trying to flirt with an oblivious Finely, playing on his NINTENDO SWITCH.
HORACE
How was your day, Finny?
FINLEY
(Not paying attention)
Fine.
HORACE
My day was just grand, I made more additions to my collection yesterday. Some nice construction workers from down the street.
FINLEY
Uh-huh.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD & LIONEL GARNIER|LOFT - INTERCUT
Rod and Lionel Garnier stand in the hallway as Enzo frantically searches for something like his life depends on it in the background, causing a mess in the process.
ENZO
Come on, come on, come on… (improv)
ROD
Horace is still somewhat in denial about the whole, “Finley being straight thing”.
LIONEL GARNIER
I’ve known Master Finley practically his entire life, and I can say without hesitation that he is the prime example of a heterosexual male, and it is incredibly painful to watch Mr. Balassa trying to pursue him .
ROD
It’s sort of like watching a little human child search for their beloved toy while already knowing full well that their mother gave it away, and not being able to say anything.
LIONEL GARNIER
Or the unprecedented loss of a family member.
Enzo loudly breaks something.
ENZO
Where the FUCK is he?!
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Horace makes his fingers walk on Finley’s shoulder.
HORACE
But what I think would make it better would be if… oh, I shouldn’t say.
FINLEY
Okay.
HORACE
Alright, you caught me… what would you say if we were to go a night out on the town?
FINLEY
(Celebratory)
Yes! Yes! Finally, I found the nether fortress. Just gotta save my coordinates…
HORACE
(Heartbroken)
Are you even listening?
FINLEY
Sorry, what did you say? I wasn’t listening.
HORACE
Never mind.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Muttered)
This is incredibly devastating to watch.
ROD
(Muttered)
I’m afraid that I have to agree with you.
HORACE
No one fucking asked you two.
FINLEY
(Looking up)
Asked them what?
Enzo suddenly kicks his room door open in rage.
ENZO
WHICH ONE OF YOU CUNT SLUTS DID IT?!
HORACE
(Annoyed)
Oh, now what?
Enzo charges down the stairs.
ENZO
YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT, YOU LITTLE TWATS!
Enzo grabs Finley’s shirt and brings their faces close together.
ENZO (CON’T)
WHERE IS HE?!
FINLEY
Wha- WHO?! PRINCEY?!
ENZO
DON’T LIE TO ME! I KNOW YOU’RE DOING THIS FOR SOME CHEAP LAUGH! GOOD OL’ FINLEY PULLING CHEAP TRICKS FOR CHEAP FUCKING LAUGHS!
FINLEY
I have no idea what or WHO you’re talking about! Let me go!
Enzo drops Finley and grabs Horace’s cravat. He’s accidentally into it.
ENZO
Maybe it was you, you probably thought it was a mockery of vampires! If so, I shall embrace it like a village whore embracing her sacrilege if it means you telling me where he is!
HORACE
(Gay stammers)
Uhb- ta- wha- I- uhhhh-
Enzo drops Horace and gets all up in Rod’s space.
ENZO
Or you. You were an accomplice at the crime scene when your precious little girlfriend, placenta, FUCKING DECAPITATED HIM! You couldn’t take the guilt, so you hid the evidence, but it’s starting to eat at you, I can see it in your cold dead eyes.
ROD
Well technically they would be undead eyes.
ENZO
If you weren’t so touch-averse from whatever heinous shit Vicenta did to you as a kid, I’d strangle you with my bare hands right here, right now, until whatever paltry life you have left in you slowly leaks out your eyes.
ROD
And now I am afraid, excuse me!
Rod goes to stand by Horace for protection.
HORACE
Enzo… we have no idea what the actual shit-fuck you are talking about.
FINLEY
Yeah, what the hell is going on with you, man?
ENZO
I’m talking about the one thing that holds any sort of meaning to me in this absolutely fucked world.
ROD
Your hat?
FINLEY
Weezer?
HORACE
Your obviously crippling mommy issues? Please, you’re not special, I can see them in all of you.
ENZO
Uh- NO, TOFFEE! MY STUFFED BAT!
ROD, HORACE & FINLEY
Ohhhhhh.
LIONEL GARNIER
That old thing? I threw it in the wash.
ENZO
…You did what?
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes, in the wash, right here behind this couch.
HORACE
We don’t have a wash as far as I am aware…
BEAT.
LIONEL GARNIER
I beg your pardon?
ENZO
I’M GOING TO THROTTLE YOUR NECK!
LIONEL GARNIER
But I thought we were brothers!
Enzo runs towards Lionel Garnier and tackles him to the ground behind the couch, SCREAMING. Rod, Horace, and Finley both turn away and shut their eyes.
Then the SCREAMING just stops. All three open their eyes.
ROD
They’re gone!
They all look behind the couch. Lionel Garnier and Enzo are both gone.
FINLEY
Holy shit.
ROLL CREDITS.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
They big panicking right now.
ROD
Oh man, oh dear, oh man, oh dear, oh man, oh dear, oh man, oh dear.
FINLEY
Where the hell could they have gone?!
HORACE
I don’t know, I’ve only ever seen this behavior with Rod! For all we know, they could be melting in the earth’s core by now!
ROD
(Starting to cry)
AAAAAAAA-
FINLEY
Wait! This is just what I’ve feared.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY - INTERCUT
Finley is in Neil Degrasse Tyson mode.
FINLEY
They noclipped into the backrooms. It’s basically a giant infinity maze with like a bajillion different levels of different liminal spaces that are familiar but also unfamiliar, if you get what I mean. I spend way too much time on the internet. They’re most likely in level zero, which is basically a giant, empty, office space. Depending on which source you find, there are also psychopathic entities seeking to kill you in brutalistic ways.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Finley is explaining how to get there.
FINLEY
Enzo and Lionel were able to enter because they landed so hard on the floor they must’ve noclipped through and ended up there, so if we just copy them we’ll land there too.
HORACE
That sounds incredibly painful.
ROD
Whatever it takes to save them.
BEGIN MONTAGE
They all take turns trying to go through the floor.
QUICK CUTS:
Finley body slams on the floor. He doesn’t go through.
Horace body slams on the floor. He doesn’t go through.
Rod tries phasing through but just looks constipated. They don’t go through.
END MONTAGE
They all sit on the couch, exhausted.
HORACE
Well, that didn’t fucking work.
FINLEY
I have one more idea.
CUT TO:
Finley, Horace, and Rod holding hands in a sort of chain.
FINLEY
Everyone got their almond water? On the count of three. One… two… three!
They all jump.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Three!
They all jump again.
FINLEY (CON’T)
I said three, dammit!
They all jump one final time, then they all noclip and disappear behind the couch.
FINLEY, HORACE & ROD
AAAAAAAAAAAA-
They all get cut off.
The camera moves slowly to show the space behind the couch is empty. The cameraman hesitantly goes up to the spot, jumps on the floor, then noclips through it.
CUT TO:
Black.
INT. BACK ROOMS LEVEL 0 “THE LOBBY” - CONTINUOUS
The camera glitches then recalibrates.
TEXT FADE IN: Level 0: The Lobby
CAMERA GUY falls into a room, and lays there. They are all in a yellow empty office-room-like maze, the lights glare into the camera and the best way to describe it is moist.
Camera Guy gets up and picks up the camera and zooms in on a far away sight of Horace and Finley trying to hold Enzo back from killing Lionel Garnier, who hides behind Rod.
ENZO
I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!
ROD
Killing won’t solve anything!
ENZO
Oh yeah, says the vampire!
Lionel Garnier suddenly pulls out his MACHETE and points it at Enzo, making everyone back off and freak out.
ENZO
Jesus Christ!
HORACE
Do you just have that on you?!
LIONEL GARNIER
365, 24/7.
FINLEY
Lionel, put that away for fucks sake!
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes, Master Finley.
Lionel Garnier puts the machete behind him and it suddenly disappears.
Rod quickly checks behind him, but there’s no MACHETE there.
ROD
How did you-
Enzo goes to a wall and attempts to break it down.
ENZO
I’m going to look for Toffee, even if it means tearing these walls down.
He repeatedly shoulder checks a wall to no avail.
Finley stops him.
FINLEY
Enzo, Enzo, stop! That’s not gonna do anything!
ENZO
The fuck- don’t touch me!
FINLEY
Enzo, it’s no use, we’re all stuck here unless we find the exit.
ENZO
(Contained)
And you didn’t think to bring any food or water before coming here?
FINLEY
…I see now that this may be a fault on my part. Although… care for an almond water?
Enzo tries to attack Finley but is held back by Horace and Lionel Garnier.
ENZO
You fucking fuck!
ROD
Hey, maybe I can phase through the ceiling, and find a way out.
FINLEY
That’s not gonna work.
ROD
I always believed that it never hurts to try!
Rod flies up and phases through the ceiling.
BEAT.
LIONEL GARNIER
They’re dead, aren’t they?
HORACE
Most definitely.
ENZO
Yup.
FINLEY
Totally.
Rod is suddenly flung back through the ceiling and makes a loud THUD on the floor.
They all go to help Rod up.
ROD
It hurt to try!
HORACE
What did you see? Tell us everything.
ROD
I… I don’t know. Nothing. Nothing, I saw nothing! Do you get it?! THERE IS NOTHING! WE’RE ALL ALONE!
HORACE
Okay, that’s too much.
ENZO
We’re all dead great, and it’s all Lionel Garnier’s fault!
LIONEL GARNIER
Me?!
ENZO
You’re the one who threw my baby down in this hell hole in the first place, and now he’s gone because of you!
Lionel Garnier hisses at Enzo.
ENZO (CON’T)
Did- did you just hiss at me?!
Horace grabs both of them by the ears.
ENZO & LIONEL GARNIER
Ouch! Fuck! Etc.
FINLEY
Ooh, you guys are really in it now.
Horace telekinetically grabs his ear.
FINLEY (CON’T)
OW! SHIT!
Rod SNICKERS, then Horace telekinetically grabs their ear.
ROD
AY! AY! AYAYAYAY! [WHAT DID I DO?!]
HORACE
All this fighting is not going to help find us a way out of here.
FINLEY
Well, maybe we’ll find one if you’d let go of our fucking ears!
Horace lets go of all their ears.
ROD
Finley, you said that the back rooms are like a giant maze, and there are multiple levels, correcto?
FINLEY
Yes, and we’re at level 0, The Lobby, which is this nightmare. All we have to do is find the hallway that leads to level one. I think the best thing is to stick together, and start moving.
HORACE
But which way do we go?
Lionel Garnier puts his finger in his mouth and lifts it up, then points to a direction.
LIONEL GARNIER
This one. We must hurry, follow me.
ENZO
I’m not leaving without Toffee.
HORACE
Fucks sake, you’re still on about that bat?
ENZO
I’ll catch up to you guys.
FINLEY
Enzo, you’re going to fucking die.
LIONEL GARNIER
I’d be willing to get you a new one if you so wish.
ENZO
Not a chance. Toffee meant something to me, and if there’s no meaning, then what’s the point?
FINLEY
That’s some r/im14andthisisdeep shit right there.
ENZO
Whatever, you guys go without me.
HORACE
Well, it was nice knowing you. Actually, I wouldn’t say nice, what’s a less rude word for not nice?
LIONEL GARNIER
Passable?
HORACE
Passable, yes. It was passable knowing you.
ENZO
Yeah, you too.
Enzo turns around and goes the opposite way.
Rod makes a tough decision.
ROD
Wait! I’m coming with you!
FINLEY
And they’re gone. (shouting) If you see any entities or anything out of place, run!
CUT TO:
INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Rod catches up to Enzo. Rod films the entire thing on their phone.
ROD (O.S)
Enzo! Enzo! Hey! I figured you would need some help, and maybe some company!
ENZO
Oh, great.
ROD (O.S)
I also think this is a great opportunity to get to know each other better!
ENZO
Getting trapped in a dark, damp inescapable maze is a great opportunity to get to know each other better? Besides, what more could you possibly want to know about me? We’ve been housemates for what? Almost a year?
BEAT.
ROD (O.S)
Well… what’s so special about Toffee?
ENZO
Um. He was a gift. From my dad.
ROD (O.S)
How sweet! How is your dad?
ENZO
Uh, dead. Car crash, brother too. I was 9.
ROD (O.S)
Oh. I’m sorry.
They stop when they hear a low and almost pained growl-like scream.
ROD (O.S) (CON’T)
(Scared)
What was that?
ENZO
(Denial)
That’s probably just Finley messing with us. Very funny, Finley! Let’s keep going.
They continue walking as one of the lights keeps flickering.
CUT TO:
INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY - LATER
Finley leads the way.
HORACE
So, Finny, we are safe here, yes?
FINLEY
(SCOFF) For now. We still have to worry about whether or not we’re alone yet, and which one is worse. Personally, the solitude of the backrooms is what makes them scary. Media relies so much on monsters because what we’re truly afraid of is the unknown, and if something’s known, what’s so scary about it now?
LIONEL GARNIER
Well, that’s comforting.
FINLEY
Hey, look, we’re almost at level one!
HORACE
But I thought this was level one.
FINLEY
No this is level zero.
HORACE
…Oh! Oh, I see now, it’s one of those- yeah I get it.
FINLEY
Yeah, it is.
INT. LEVEL 1: THE HABITABLE ZONE - CONTINUOUS
TEXT FADE IN: Level 1: The Habitable Zone
They walk into a giant parking complex. It’s cold and gray, luminated by halogen lights.
FINLEY
Here we are. The habitable zone.
LIONEL GARNIER
This just looks like a giant parking complex.
FINLEY
It’s freezing. Come on.
Finley goes ahead.
HORACE
Hey, that’s my testicle jar!
Horace goes to pick up his TESTICLE JAR that’s in a corner.
HORACE
Is it me or is everything about this starting to feel a little bit… off?
LIONEL GARNIER
Reality is altering as we know it.
HORACE
Okay…
Horace and Lionel Garnier follow behind.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE - INTERCUT
HORACE
This wasn’t exactly the night out I had in mind.
CUT TO:
INT. LEVEL 0: THE LOBBY
Rod and Enzo searching around.
ROD (O.S)
Enzo, I hate to say this, but I don’t think we’ll be able to find Toffee.
ENZO
You’re the one who said it never hurts to try.
ROD (O.S)
That was before I was flung back into the room, besides we’ve been searching for so long, I think Toffee’s a lost cause at this point. I’m sorry, but we’re just going to get more lost.
ENZO
No, we haven’t made it this far just for him to end up in some sick eldritch horror maze.
Rod moves their phone camera down at the ground.
ENZO (O.S)
Wait.
ROD
What?
ENZO
Shine the light, over there.
ROD
Okay. How do I do that?
ENZO
Just give it!
Enzo takes Rod’s phone and turns the flash light on. He shines it at a dark, faraway corner, which TOFFEE resides in tip top shape.
ENZO (CON’T)
Toffee!
Enzo shoves the camera to Rod and runs over to TOFFEE.
ROD (O.S)
Didn’t Finley warn us about entities?
ENZO
(Far away)
I’m here, Toffee!
Rod looks down and sees their JOURNAL. In curiosity, they pick it up.
ROD
Que? What is my journal doing down here?
Rod hears a noise, then the camera whip pans to a dark, menacing shadow, with white eyes. It tilts its head like a bird.
ROD (CON’T)
(Terrified)
Oh… oh my… Enzo, get away from there!
Enzo picks up TOFFEE. The DARK SHADOW whizzes behind Enzo, who turns around.
ENZO
(Terrified)
What was that?
The DARK SHADOW peaks out from behind the wall.
ROD
ENZO!
The DARK SHADOW tackles Enzo and they fight.
ENZO
GO WITHOUT ME!
Enzo throws TOFFEE at Rod, and is then dragged away behind a wall, SCREAMING.
ROD
(Anguish)
ENZOOO!
Rod spots TOFFEE, picks him up, and looks back at the wall. The DARK SHADOW peeks out, Insidious style, and Rod straight up dips, flying through some of the walls, flashes of black appearing on screen.
Rod is on the verge of a breakdown off screen, their breaths hitching and voice cracking.
CUT TO:
INT. ELEVATOR - LATER
Horace, Lionel Garnier, and Finley wait in an elevator that plays smooth jazz on the muffled speaker.
FINLEY
Good thing we found this elevator in level 2, this’ll take us straight to level 4, but that one’s super dangerous, so it’ll be important we stay in a group at all times.
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes, going from a leaky pipe room to an electrical room doesn’t sound very safe.
Horace leans on Finley’s shoulder and grabs his arm for protection.
FINLEY
Hey, what’s up?
HORACE
(Scared)
Finny? Are you sure we’ll make it out of here?
The elevator stops.
LIONEL GARNIER
That’s our stop.
They all step out.
INT. LEVEL 4: ABANDONED OFFICE
TEXT FADE IN: Level 4: Abandoned Office
They walk into a grayer version of the lobby, it looks more like an abandoned office though.
HORACE
Another office?! We’re gonna die here. (To Lionel Garnier) Lionel Garnier, how does your blood taste?
LIONEL GARNIER
A bit of a nutty overtone I’d say, not that I’d know.
Finley grabs Horace’s shoulders and makes eye contact with him.
FINLEY
(Comforting)
Okay, just- just listen to me. We’re gonna be fine. We’re going to get out of here, and I’ll make sure that nothing happens to us. Okay?
HORACE
Okay…
FINLEY
Ahhhh, there he is, c’mere big guy.
Finley squeezes Horace in a bro hug.
HORACE
Do you work out?
Rod suddenly phases through a wall SCREAMING, and accidentally flies into Lionel Garnier, knocking both of them down.
HORACE & FINLEY
Rod?!
LIONEL GARNIER
Mx. Rodriguez, what the blazes is this?
ROD
(Sobbing)
HE’S DEAD! ENZO’S DEAD!
LIONEL GARNIER
You’re dripping blood onto my face.
Rod stands up, clutching TOFFEE.
ROD
We found this and my journal, but an entity got him! All because of this stupid bat!
Rod chucks TOFFEE to the ground in anger, then starts CRYING again.
Horace picks him up, then goes to comfort Rod.
LIONEL GARNIER
A moment of silence for our fallen friend. (Pause). Okay, let’s keep going.
They all hear the same TERRIFYING ROAR and freeze up. The lights start flickering.
FINLEY
I guess we’re not alone. (Shouting) HEY! SHOW YOURSELF!
DARK SHADOW peaks out from a corridor.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Yeah, I’m not scared of you! You know why?! BECAUSE YOU’RE KNOWN! YOU’RE KNOWN! BITCH!
The camera man is suddenly knocked down and dragged away, SCREAMING in fear, and the lights keep going on and off, creating a disorienting lens. The gang then all run away SCREAMING as the camera lays still for a few long seconds.
CUT TO:
INT. LEVEL 188: COURTYARD OF WINDOWS - MUCH LATER
TEXT FADE IN: Level 188: Courtyard of Windows
Finley starts recording on his PHONE.
FINLEY (TO PHONE)
This is Finley Jones, if you somehow find this, that means we’re dead.
ROD (O.S)
Finley, we are not dead!
Finley gets Rod, Horace, and Lionel Garnier into frame.
FINLEY (O.S)
We’re not dead yet!
LIONEL GARNIER
Strange, what is my duster doing down here?
Lionel Garnier picks his DUSTER off the ground.
HORACE
What level is this? It just looks like a very colonized hotel.
Camera shows the entire courtyard, lit by only a few windows.
FINLEY (O.S)
(Realization)
Level 188…
LIONEL GARNIER
How long have we been down here?
FINLEY (O.S)
I- I don’t know. We should keep going.
HORACE
WE’VE BEEN FUCKING KEEPING GOING FOREVER! DO YOU EVEN KNOW IF WE’LL EVEN GET OUT OF THIS HELLSCAPE?!
FINLEY
No, I fucking don’t!
BEAT.
HORACE
Great, great. That’s fucking great, wonderful.
Rod gets snatched by the Dark Shadow and dangled over the courtyard.
ROD
AHHHHHHHH!
HORACE
ROD!
Finley grabs Horace’s hand and they all run away.
CUT TO:
INT. LEVEL 189: THE BATHROOM - LATER
TEXT FADE IN: Level 189: The Bathroom
They slow down and catch a breath in a dirty public bathroom.
FINLEY
Oh, shit! Holy shit! Oh my god! Oh, the smell!
HORACE
(Despair)
It got Rod…
FINLEY
(Remorseful)
Horace, I-
Horace steps away from Finley.
They hear DISTANT FOOTSTEPS.
FINLEY (CON’T)
(Hushed)
In here!
They all hide in a dark stall and stand on a toilet.
LIONEL GARNIER
We probably should’ve gone into separate stalls.
FINLEY
Shhhh! (TO HORACE) Look, Horace, I’m sorry about Rod, but we can’t do anything about it now. Horace, just say something to me!
The Dark Shadow makes it up to their stall. It reaches a hand through the bottom.
LIONEL GARNIER
I refuse to fall victim to Hollywood tropes!
Lionel Garnier pushes Horace off the toilet.
HORACE
Lionel Garnier, what the fu-
Dark Shadow grabs Horace by the leg and starts dragging him away as he begs for help.
FINLEY
No!
Finley drops his PHONE and grabs onto Horace’s arm, but it slips out, and Horace is dragged away, screaming.
Finley angrily turns around.
FINLEY (CON’T)
LIONEL, WHAT THE FUCK?!
LIONEL GARNIER
It was a matter of defense, and protection.
FINLEY
YOU HAVE A FUCKING MACHETE ON YOU! THAT WAS MY FRIEND YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Finley grabs his still recording phone off the ground and storms out the stall. Lionel Garnier follows after him. The camera is upside down and gets further and further away.
LIONEL GARNIER
Master Finley! Master Fin-
Lionel Garnier is suddenly grabbed and struggles, Finley spins around, turning the camera away. Lionel Garnier tries using his MACHETE to whack at the entity but to no avail, and is then pulled away into the shadows, off screen.
Finley stands there for a moment. He turns around and keeps walking. He lifts the phone up and stops recording, and the screen goes black.
CUT TO:
INT. LEVEL ???: KITTY’S HOUSE - LATER WHO KNOWS AT THIS POINT
Finley sets the phone up and hits record, and sits back. He’s sitting against a pink wall and is disheveled, and has lost hope. The MACHETE sits next to him.
He’s surrounded by pink, and cutesy decorations.
TEXT FADE IN: Level ???
He tries to speak, but no words come out, because what the fuck is he supposed to say? That it was his fault that his friends are dead? That he promised his best friend he’d protect him and he failed?
FINLEY
I’ve lost count of the levels. I’m almost out of almond water, and I haven’t eaten in… god, what’s felt like weeks. Every second it feels like I’m becoming less and less real. I’m… alone. I’m so sorry.
Finley starts to break down and cry. There’s a SCREECH and Finley looks up, and wipes his face, and struggles to stop crying. He mentally prepares himself, and grabs the MACHETE. He grabs the phone and stands up.
The camera shows a long open corridor or pink walls and carpet, and cute stuff.
Finley spots his NINTENDO SWITCH on the ground and picks it up.
Finley raises the MACHETE and points it at the opening.
FINLEY (O.S)
Let’s just get this over with.
Something zips by the camera and swipes the MACHETE out of Finley’s hands.
Camera whips around and is jumpscared by the Dark Shadow, and it cuts to black.
The screen turns blue, and white text “RECALIBRATING” appears on screen.
The camera finally starts working.
INT. THE FINAL LEVEL: THE END LEVEL - LATER
The camera guy is in a huge, seemingly abandoned bookstore or library, with the words, “The End is Near” up above.
Camera shows an unconscious Finley laying face first in the ground. Enzo runs up and flips Finley over, and analyzes the space he was laying in.
ENZO
Goddammit.
Enzo runs off. Finley stirs and wakes up, then sights Enzo, who's knocking down a bookshelf.
ENZO (CON’T)
FUCK!
Enzo takes a book and rips it in half with his teeth.
FINLEY
Enzo?!
Enzo turns around in surprise and spits out the book.
ENZO
Finley?! Holy shit, I didn’t realize it was you!
They run to each other and bro hug and LAUGH.
ROD (O.S)
Finley!
Camera whips over to Rod.
FINLEY
Rod! Oh my god!
Finley goes to hug Rod, but hesitates, and just pats them on their hat instead.
LIONEL GARNIER (O.S)
I finally found my machete.
FINLEY
Lionel!
Finley runs over and gives Lionel Garnier a noogie.
FINLEY (CON’T)
It’s good to see you again, bud!
LIONEL GARNIER
Adequate, seeing you.
Finley looks above the camera.
FINLEY
Camera guy!
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Uh, I’m not supposed to be acknowledged-
Finley doesn’t listen and hugs them anyway.
HORACE (O.S)
What’s all this commoti-... Finny?
Finley lets go, and the camera shows Horace behind him.
FINLEY
Horace…
They embrace in a tight hug.
FINLEY (CON’T)
You’re okay! What happened to you guys?
ENZO
That little fucker happened to us!
Enzo points to the side and shows Princey Fluffernutter sleeping in a nest of human(?) bones.
FINLEY
Princey?!
ROD
It seems as though there were no backrooms entities at all, it was just Princey!
ENZO
(Pissed)
And he stole our shit! Rod’s journal, Horace’s ball jar, Lionel Garnier’s duster, and Toffee, BUT I CAN’T FUCKING FIND HIM! WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO LOCK HIM IN THE DARK AND SPOOKY CHAMBER?!
ROD, HORACE & LIONEL GARNIER
SHHHHHHHHH!
ROD
You’ll wake him up! He’s been kidnapping us and taking us here!
HORACE
But we don’t know where ‘here’ is!
Finley looks around then sees something, and runs over to a door. He opens it, and looks like he sees the gates of heaven.
FINLEY
Look! A way out! Come on!
Finley runs into the room. Lionel Garnier and Horace follow behind, Rod pauses at the door.
ROD
Enzo! We need to go!
ENZO
I still need to find-
ROD
This is our only chance!
Enzo makes a difficult decision and follows Rod through the door.
The camera guy stays back, and zooms in on Princey still napping, and is awoken by an ENTITY SCREECH.Camera pans over to see Dark Shadow coming towards him. Then pan back to Princey, now provoked, leaps out and strikes the Dark Shadow offscreen. The camera guy books it out of there and through the door and into a bright glow.
It goes white. Then the camera guy falls from the dark night sky.
Finley, Enzo, and Lionel Garneir are also falling from the sky, freaking the fuck out. Rod flies up and catches Enzo bridal style and grabs the camera guy.
ROD
It looks like you gained my trust!
ENZO
Um…
Uh oh, Enzo’s got a crush now.
CUT TO:
EXT. BACK ROADS IN THE FOREST - NIGHT
Horace and Rod set Enzo, Camera Guy, Finley, and Lionel Garnier down.
FINLEY
Does anyone know where we are?
LIONEL GARNIER
Hopefully not Canada, especially Alberta.
ENZO
I couldn’t save Toffee…
ROD
I am sorry, Enzo.
FINLEY
Nothing we can do now.
BEAT.
Horace takes Toffee out of his pocket.
HORACE
(Faux)
Oh, what is this, sitting safely in my pants pocket? This doesn’t happen to belong to any of you, does it?
ENZO
(Elated)
You found him!
Enzo rushes over, grabs Horace’s cravat, and kisses him, which absolutely shocks everyone. Horace makes a SURPRISED NOISE as this happens.
Enzo pulls back, wipes his mouth, and grabs Toffee out of Horace’s hand. He pats Horace on the shoulder, and walks past him.
Horace limply falls to the ground and faints.
FINLEY
Called it!
ROD
No you didn’t.
END CREDITS.
Chapter 4: 2x04: Pirates
Summary:
To prove a point, the gang summon a band of pirates to their world.
Notes:
CW: use of weapons, gut stabbing and removal of said penetration tool, gay obliviousness, implied brief selfcest (AS A JOKE)
I would like to note that I started writing this before the OFMD season 2 finale so some aspects will not have aged well. Please don’t get mad at me for that.
AND ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO CLARIFY THAT I AM IN NO MEANS A SELFCEST SHIPPER I JUST THOUGHT THE MATERIAL WOULD BE FUNNY
Ok now you may read
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Pirates
EXT. ROW HOUSE - NIGHT
Shot of the row house.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Finley and Enzo having a heated argument.
FINLEY
Okay, what’re you even saying?
ENZO
I’m saying that it’s just not realistic. I mean, if you lose a leg or an eye you basically lose your entire life.
FINLEY
Well, yeah, but it’s based on a real historical era, and there are realistic aspects in it.
ENZO
Since when the hell do you care about history?
Finley rises.
FINLEY
(Suddenly angry)
I CARE ABOUT HISTORY, I CARE A FUCK LOAD ABOUT HISTORY!
Enzo rises.
ENZO
(Suddenly angry)
YOU DON’T KNOW JIZZ ABOUT HISTORY!
They start to wrestle and fall to the ground, growling and snarling.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD, HORACE, & LIONEL GARNIER - MEANWHILE
They stand in the kitchen as the fight happens behind them. Lionel Garnier holds up a DVD COPY of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL.
ROD
They’re fighting about the historical accuracy in Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl .
HORACE
They have been squabbling over this since movie night. Which was 3 days ago. Lionel Garnier kept talking over the movie like a dolphin on ecstasy.
LIONEL GARNIER
I was simply providing informational, much needed commentary.
ROD
Informational, agreeable. Much needed, debatable.
HORACE
Oh, why don’t you go and commentate on my tits?
Lionel Garnier takes a minute to examine them.
LIONEL GARNIER
Flat.
Horace HISSES.
Something SHATTERS in the background.
ROD
Perhaps we should intervene.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Horace, Rod, and Lionel Garnier walk in the living room to stop their fighting.
FINLEY
Is this historically accurate enough for you?!
Finley bites Enzo’s leg, and he seethes through his teeth.
ENZO
No, but this is!
Enzo kicks Finley in the face.
HORACE
Alright you two, break it up.
Horace separates them with his telekinesis and lifts them up in the air.
HORACE (CON’T)
A-a-a-a-and air jail for you, and air jail for you. Now, do you have anything to say for yourselves? Finny?
FINLEY
‘M sorry I bit your leg.
ENZO
‘M sorry I kicked your face.
FINLEY
You should be.
ENZO
Oh, you little-
HORACE
And we’re done.
Horace pauses his telekinesis and Finley and Enzo drop to the ground and make two LOUD THUDS.
ROD
So, you’re fighting about historical accuracy, huh?
ENZO
Uh, duh, Captain Dummy Face over here thinks piracy is all about chicks and tricks.
ROD
Well, me and Horace know a thing or two about historical accuracy.
HORACE
That is true, I did a bit of sailing in my day before I met Rod, although we kept getting mistaken for two other seamen, two blokes named Brown Peter and James The Menace, or some other.
FINLEY
(SNICKER) Seamen.
HORACE
It was a wild, horny time. A lot of diseases too, and surprisingly so much pornography.
ENZO
Okay, tell Finley how Pirates of the Caribbean is absolutely bull in terms of historical accuracy.
Finley teases Enzo behind Horace’s back.
HORACE
It was a long time ago, my memory is fuzzy. How am I supposed to remember what is true or not?
Horace turns around and Finley acts like nothing happened.
ROD
What if we summon some pirates from the past and hear what they have to say?
FINLEY
Cool, we’ll meet pirates!
ENZO
Yes, then Finley can finally see why piracy shouldn’t be glorified!
HORACE
I don’t think that’s a very good-
LIONEL GARNIER
I shall grab the materials.
Lionel Garnier goes upstairs.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
With furniture pushed away, Horace stands in the middle of the living room with a book in one hand and the other in a summoning gesture. Enzo, Rod, Finley, and Lionel Garnier stand behind.
ENZO, ROD, & FINLEY
(Chanting)
Pirates, pirates, pirates, pirates!
HORACE
Oh plunderers of the past, I summon thee!
A purple portal appears above them, then JIM JIMENEZ, LUCIUS SPRIGGS, OLUWANDE BOODHARI, BLACK PETE, FRENCHIE, AND IZZY HANDS all fall through onto the ground, SCREAMING. The portal disappears.
They lay on the ground in pain.
ENZO
Okay, I wasn’t expecting that.
Jim, Lucius, Oluwande, Pete, Frenchie, and Izzy all get up.
OLUWANDE
Is everyone alright?
JIM
What the hell happened?
FRENCHIE
Where are we?
LUCIUS
I think I pulled something in my back.
They all notice their counterparts and freeze up.
BEAT.
HORACE
No one make any sudden noises-
FINLEY
HOLY SHIT, IT’S PIRATES!
The pirates suddenly all start SCREAMING and pull out their WEAPONS, causing the monsters to SCREAM as well and Lionel Garnier to pull out his MACHETE.
ROLL CREDITS
EXT. ROW HOUSE - NIGHT
Shot of the row house.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
The pirates still have their weapons out. Izzy holds his sword to Horace’s face.
IZZY
You better tell us where the fuck we are, or so fucking help me I’ll slice your throat!
OLUWANDE
Why are we here?!
PETE
And why do you look like us?!
JIM
And what’s up with them?
Camera whip pans to Finley and Enzo squealing of excitement like fangirls.
FINLEY
You’re actual pirates!
ENZO
From the Golden Age of Piracy!
BEAT.
FRENCHIE
What?
Rod makes their way next to Horace, and pushes the sword tip down.
ROD
I think we got off on the wrong foot, so how about you set down your weapons and let us introduce ourselves? I shall go first, my name is Rod Rodriguez.
HORACE
(Scared)
Hor-Horace Balassa.
FINLEY
(Still fangirlish)
Finley Jones, at your service!
ENZO
(Still fangirlish)
Enzokuhle Abebe, but you can just call me Enzo!
LIONEL GARNIER
You shall refer to me as Lionel Garnier.
The pirates cautiously put away their weapons.
JIM
Jimenez. Jim Jimenez.
OLUWANDE
Uh, my name’s Oluwande Boodhari.
LUCIUS
(Scared)
Lucius. Spriggs.
FRENCHIE
The name’s Frenchie, don’t wear it out.
LIONEL GARNIER
Are you french?
FRENCHIE
No.
LIONEL GARNIER
Do you speak french?
FRENCHIE
…No.
LIONEL GARNIER
Then why are you called Frenchie?
FRENCHIE
I don’t know.
PETE
And, of course, I am the dreaded Black Pete, Blackbeard’s right hand!
The crew all GROAN at Pete.
IZZY
And I am Izzy Hands, first mate of Blackbeard… and Stede Bonnet too, I suppose.
OLUWANDE
That one’s true, actually.
IZZY
So, just to be clear, am I the only one here without a clone or counterpart or whatever?
BEAT.
ROD
Um… well…
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
The crew are all backed against the wall in fear as Princey Fluffernutter just stands there in front of them.
IZZY
THAT FUCKING THING IS NOT ME!
ENZO
That’s you alright.
FINLEY
You know, I’m so used to Princey’s face that Iggy’s looks weird to me now.
IZZY
Izzy!
FINLEY
Izzy, right, my bad.
LUCIUS
Dear fuck, the resemblance is uncanny!
FRENCHIE
So monsters are real in this world?!
Horace and Rod gesture to their fangs.
HORACE
Yes, including vampires and werewolves.
Finley does a finger gun.
HORACE (CON’T)
We’re technically not supposed to tell you, but I’ve given up at this point because of these four blabbering about everything to anyone, willing to listen or not.
FRENCHIES
Fairies, ghosts, zombies… witches?!
HORACE
Name just about any creature you can think of and it is most definitely real.
Frenchie faints.
JIM
He’ll be fine, he’s just really superstitious. More than any of us, to be fair.
ROD
Why don’t we try some ice breakers with our counterparts? Jim, you can come with me, Oluwande you can go with Enzo, Pete with Horace, Lucius pair up with Finley, Lionel Garnier drag Frenchie upstairs, and Izzy can go with Princey Fluffernutter!
IZZY
I am NOT going with that fucking animal!
PETE
How do we know you won’t kill us?
ENZO
I mean we are pretty shit at lying, if we were you would tell.
PETE
But we can’t.
OLUWANDE (TO JIM)
Do you think we can trust them?
JIM
Eh, they look harmless enough, besides we got weapons.
PETE (TO LUCIUS)
Babe, do you think you’ll be okay without me?
Lucius looks over at Finley, who sneezes with his mouth uncovered.
Lucius looks back Pete, with ~intention~ on his face.
LUCIUS
I think I’ll be just grand.
JIM (TO ROD)
Yeah, sure.
ROD
Great!
FRENCHIE
(Stirring)
Ugh, what happened? Did I get a heat stroke or something?
Frenchie looks at the monster counterparts again, and then faints again.
CUT TO:
INT. ROD’S ROOM - LATER
Jim twirls their knife as Rod watches, mesmerized.
ROD
Your knife skills are immaculate.
JIM
Gracias, I’ve had this bad boy for years. You wanna hold it?
ROD
Si! Por favor! Wowwww!
Rod tries to throw it but in a poor posture.
JIM
Uh, you’re not supposed to hold it like tha-
Rod throws it against the door, but it bounces off and stabs them in the gut.
JIM
OH SHIT!
ROD
(Incredibly pained)
Whoops. It’s fine, when vampires get wounded we can regenerate and heal like brand new.
JIM
And this is painless, right?
ROD
Oh no, it is very much painful.
Rod tries to wriggle it out but it’s stuck.
ROD (CON’T)
Wow, it is really jammed in there, eh?
JIM
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Rod continues twisting it and Jim RETCHES.
CUT TO:
INT. HORACE’S ROOM - MEANWHILE
Horace tries doing some magic calculations stuff like writing in a book and shit, not paying attention to a word of Pete recounting a (false) tale of piracy.
PETE
Yeah, I work for Blackbeard. Did some duds, dud some dids, y’know that kinda stuff. I’m basically the shit. I mean, I did bag the hottest, most badass pirate of them all. To be completely honest, I have no idea how I did it, it must be my rugged charm. I think. It’s a working theory.
BEAT.
HORACE
Why are you American?
PETE
The fuck is an American?
HORACE
I can’t believe I have to deal with another me again, I don’t have time for this bullshit, move.
Horace shoves Pete out of the way and grabs a book off his shelf.
PETE
Why are we here?
HORACE
The fuck do I know? I was peer pressured because Finny and Enzo were having a stupid fucking dispute, lesson learnt: never get involved in stupid fucking disputes.
PETE
Finny? Awwww, are you and your Lucius together too?
HORACE
No, shut up.
Horace goes back to working.
PETE
Oh. Okay… so is this world’s Lucius like our world’s me, and you’re this world’s Lucius?
HORACE
Please stop talking to me.
CUT TO:
INT. ENZO’S ROOM
Oluwande checks out Enzo’s room while Enzo lays on his bed, listening to music. Weezer probably.
OLUWANDE
Uh… Mr. Abebe, sir?
ENZO
Mmm- what? Oh, yeah, you.
OLUWANDE
Um, yes, me… are you me?
ENZO
Hm. I think personality wise I’m more like your Rod.
OLUWANDE
Our Rod? Oh! You mean Jim?
Enzo sits up.
ENZO
Yeah, yeah, Jim or whatever, now onto the truth about piracy, does it, or does it not suck balls?
OLUWANDE
Piracy? Um… well, it does come with some hardships.
ENZO
Aha! In other words, it sucks balls. Piracy is simply just a one way ticket to a life of horrible deaths and diseases only to end up forgotten in time, case closed.
OLUWANDE
Well, I mean there are a few upsides to it.
ENZO
…Like what?
OLUWANDE
Piracy, in a way, is like hatching from a cocoon, and you find your people and get to feel like you can finally be yourself. While, yes, there are less than desirable aspects, there’s also more than desirable. (Thinking about Jim) Lovable even.
BEAT.
ENZO
Oh my god, you live in an actual fantasy world. That explains the leather daddy’s peg leg.
OLUWANDE
Yeah, if Izzy finds out you called him that he’ll probably flay you alive.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Finley and Lucius sit on the couch. Finley’s excited to hear what Lucius has to say, which probably won’t be much.
FINLEY
So, you’re like, an actual pirate?
LUCIUS
Yes, I suppose you could say that.
FINLEY
(Astounded)
Cool. Have you killed anyone before? Unless you don’t want to talk about it, still cool if you did.
LUCIUS
Aren’t you a werewolf?
FINLEY
Yeah, but even if I had killed someone I don’t remember it happening. So, you probably get a lot of chicks, huh? Like, women, ooh what about mermaids?
LUCIUS
(Oh this man is REPRESSED)
Mermaids? Oh, honey.
FINLEY
What?
LUCIUS
Let’s just say that most people in the way of piracy aren’t exactly… sturdy as a mast.
BEAT.
FINLEY
(Shocked)
Sturdy as a… People were GAY back then too?!
LUCIUS
Is that the word for it now? Hm, cute. Enough about me, let’s hear about you~.
FINLEY
(Flattered)
Me? Um, okay, cool, well first off, I’m an alpha wolf.
LUCIUS
(Not falling for it but into it)
Do tell.
CUT TO:
INT. ATTIC
Frenchie finally wakes up on the mattress. He sees Lionel Garnier standing next to him and flinches.
FRENCHIE
Oh, lord above!
LIONEL GARNIER
Ah, you’re awake. Took you long enough.
FRENCHIE
Did you seriously drag me up here? God, my head is killing me.
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes, you did hit your head quite a bit while you were unconscious.
Frenchie looks around and spots his LUTE behind him.
FRENCHIE
Hey, my lute!
LIONEL GARNIER
You own a stringed instrument?
FRENCHIE
Yeah.
LIONEL GARNIER
And you live on the sea?
FRENCHIE
…yeah?
LIONEL GARNIER
That is musical suicide! Don’t you know that if exposed to moisture, it could cause the wood to warp?
FRENCHIE
I- I’m always super careful with it! See?
Frenchie kisses it and strokes it like a baby.
LIONEL GARNIER
I shall be taking this until you learn the proper way to care for it.
Lionel Garnier snatches the LUTE out of Frenchie’s hands.
FRENCHIE
Hey!
Lionel Garnier starts strumming it out of tune, making Frenchie wince.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
Izzy anxiously sits at the kitchen table as Princey Fluffernutter watches videos on his PHONE. Izzy bounces his leg and his pegleg makes repeated CLIP CLOPS on the tile floor.
IZZY
So, Mr. Fluffernutter… What's your story?
Princey glances up, and dismisses Izzy.
IZZY (CON’T)
Do you want to hear how I lost my leg?
Princey GRUNTS.
IZZY (CON’T)
Was that a yay or a nay?
Princey GRUNTS again.
IZZY (CON’T)
So, a nay then?
Princey’s PHONE battery dies. He SIGHS, grabs a CHARGING CORD from out of nowhere and plugs it in, and sets it down, and watches it slowly charge.
IZZY (CON’T)
Okay, it all started on a beach…
CUT TO:
INT. HORACE’S ROOM
Pete is annoying Horace while he’s trying to work.
PETE
So then I say to him, “no, this isn’t a dream, this is your worst nightmare” and then I bash his knee caps in and stab his throat! Pretty messy, but I’m used to death and stuff.
HORACE
Did you at least keep the testicles?
PETE
Uh-... sorry, what?
HORACE
That’s what I thought.
JIM nervously pops their head in.
JIM
Ay. Horace, right?
HORACE
Yes, Not-Rod, what is it?
JIM
M’kay, I uh… basically… I fucked up.
HORACE
WOAH!
JIM
I didn’t even tell you what I did yet!
HORACE
Sorry, sorry, I’m just not used to hearing swears come out of your voice, just show me what happened.
Rod walks in with the DAGGER still in their gut.
ROD
Hey, guyyyyys.
PETE
AH!
HORACE
Oh, boy.
JIM
We were fucking around and this happened, and we can’t get it out.
PETE
Oh, GOD!
HORACE
(Catching on)
I thought you were used to this sort of thing.
PETE
I AM, JUST- JUST GET IT OUT!
Lucius and Finley barge in.
LUCIUS
We heard screaming, is everyone all- OH SHIT!
ROD
Uh, hi.
Finley gets a closer look at it.
FINLEY
Awesome! Did your pirate stab you? Lucky!
JIM
I didn’t stab them!
FINLEY
Aw, you guys are too modest.
Enzo and Oluwande barge in.
ENZO
Ah! I knew it, I fucking knew it! Also, Jesus H. Christ!
OLUWANDE
Jim, what happened?!
JIM
They threw my dagger wrong and accidentally stabbed themselves!
HORACE
I got this everyone.
Horace grabs the dagger and starts trying to pull it out, but it remains stuck. He keeps pulling harder and harder with no luck, until Frenchie runs in SCREAMING.
FRENCHIE
AHHHH! DEMON! DEMON! DEMON!
Frenchie accidentally runs into Horace and knocks him to the ground, successfully pulling the dagger out of Rod’s gut.
ROD
Okay everyone, it’s out!
FINLEY
Horace!
Finley runs over and checks on Horace.
JIM
I’ll be taking that.
Jim grabs their DAGGER from Horace’s hand.
FINLEY (TO FRENCHIE)
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Lionel Garnier walks in, holding the LUTE.
FRENCHIE
He was speaking in tongues and draining my life force!
LIONEL GARNIER
That is complete nonsense, you’re just being delusional from hitting your head so much, and I wasn’t speaking in tongues I was just simply summarizing the plot of the hit TV show “How I Met Your Mother”.
FRENCHIE
YOUR EYES STARTED TURNING BLUE!
Frenchie takes out a small cross from his pocket and holds it out, causing Horace and Rod to start burning and CRY OUT in pain.
ROD
AH!
HORACE
OW, SON OF A BITCH!
FRENCHIE
The power of Christ compels yee!
OLUWANDE
Frenchie, quit that!
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MEANWHILE
Izzy rests on the couch while Princey watches his PHONE. They hear a LOUD NOISE from upstairs.
IZZY
The fuck are those twats up to? Probably nothing.
He nudges Princey with his peg leg.
IZZY (CON’T)
Oy, Princey, hand me one of those capri suns, won’t you?
Princey tosses Izzy a CAPRI SUN POUCH. Izzy stabs the straw into the pouch, and sips it.
IZZY (CON’T)
Having these back on the ship would solve about 99% of my problems. Although the crew might accidentally kill themselves with the straws. I was wrong about you, you’ve probably more sense than any of these fuckers.
Princey GRUNTS.
IZZY (CON’T)
Amen to that… It's too quiet. I’m going to go check on them, see if they’ve killed each other yet.
CUT TO:
INT. HORACE’S ROOM
The pirates all have their weapons out. Pete has Finley in a headlock and is pointing his gun at his head, and Jim has their dagger against Enzo’s throat.
Lucius and Oluwande hold Horace and Rod at gun/sword point.
Frenchie and Lionel Garnier are at opposite sides of the room, holding out their LUTE and MACHETE respectively.
LIONEL GARNIER
Set your weapons down.
FRENCHIE
Oh yeah, says the fucking demon!
ROD
Come on, I just had a dagger pulled out of my gut!
FINLEY
Okay Enzo, you were right, piracy is fucked up!
ENZO
What? No, if anything, you were right! This is fucking awesome!
JIM
Can it!
HORACE
This is bringing up a lot of stuff from my past.
OLUWANDE
We have emotional problems.
PETE
And a shitload of trauma.
LUCIUS
That’s just how it goes in the ways of piracy.
ENZO
Dunno about you guys but I am into this.
ROD, HORACE & FINLEY
ENZO!
The pirates get a good long look at their hostages but realize that this is getting really heavy and weird, and put their weapons away.
PETE
I’m sorry, this is getting way too weird for me.
JIM
Yeah, no, I don’t wanna do this anymore.
LUCIUS & OLUWANDE
Yeahhh.
FRENCHIE
I mean, you’re me, I’m you, this is just all kinds of messed up.
OLUWANDE
Sorry about that.
ROD
Not to worry!
FINLEY
Yeah, you guys are still cool, check out Lu’s finger, how’d that happen? Lost it in a maiming?
LUCIUS
Oh, I got a splinter and it got infected so I had to cut it off.
FINLEY
Oh. Grim.
LUCIUS
Yeah. Although my fantastic husband right over there whittled this one just for me.
FINLEY
(Confused)
Husband?
PETE
(Flustered)
Oh, well, I uh, it’s um, it’s- it’s nothing, it’s nothing.
IZZY
What the fuck?
JIM
Before you say anything Izzy, we handled it like adults, and talked it through.
OLUWANDE, LUCIUS, PETE & FRENCHIE
As a crew!
IZZY
I’m not talking about that you twats, how big is this house for this room to be so fucking huge?!
PETE
Hey, I just noticed that.
LUCIUS
Yeah, what does this place even look like from the outside?
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
The crew stand before the house in absolute shock at its anticlimactic size.
FRENCHIE
That’s the house?!
ENZO
Yeah, now get inside before anyone sees you.
OLUWANDE
It looks so… I don’t wanna say small-
PETE
It’s fucking puny. (Oluwande punches his arm) Ow!
Izzy checks out Enzo’s car.
IZZY
And what’s this pile of garbage supposed to be?
ENZO
Hey, don’t touch that!
Izzy kicks it with his pegleg and its ALARM goes off, causing the crew to freak out.
Finley storms into the doorway.
FINLEY
(Loud)
INSIDE! ALL YOU LOT, NOW!
The crew run inside the house.
ENZO
Jesus man, I didn’t know you had that in you.
FINLEY
That’s how Horace told me to do it.
ENZO
Huh.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
The crew all sit at the table as Finley slams down a six pack of beer.
FINLEY
Boom, modern day beer.
PETE
So, this is like, rum?
FINLEY
They’re both alcohol, what’s the difference?
PETE
I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking.
Finley takes the cans out of the plastic and hands them to the crew. The crew struggle to open them.
FINLEY
No, there’s a metal tab that you push up, and it makes a cracking noise.
FRENCHIE
Ah! Christ on a baguette, it bit me!
OLUWANDE & PETE
Evil beer! Evil beer!
Jim stabs a hole on the top of their can with their dagger, and shows off their can.
JIM
Ah?
OLUWANDE, LUCIUS, IZZY & FRENCHIE
Oooooh.
PETE
Smart.
Jim stabs all of their cans.
FINLEY
I guess that’s one way.
IZZY
To piracy.
JIM, OLUWANDE, LUCIUS, PETE & FRENCHIE
To piracy!
They all sip the beer.
FINLEY
So whatcha guys think?
The crew all spit out their beer in disgust.
IZZY
This beer is shit!
LUCIUS
I’ve sucked sweat licked dicks that tasted better than this!
FINLEY
Oh.
OLUWANDE
It tastes so inauthentic.
JIM
I’m gonna slice off my own tongue, I swear.
FINLEY
Six beers gone to waste, nice. Give it.
Finley takes one of their cans and sips the beer then spits it out in disgust.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
The crew all stare at the TV in awe, blocking Enzo’s view. Enzo CLEARS HIS THROAT.
ENZO
Do you mind?
FRENCHIE
How did those tiny people get into that box?
PETE
Were they put in there as punishment or something?
Jim holds up their DAGGER at the TV.
JIM
I say we let them out.
Enzo rises and rushes over to stop Jim.
ENZO
WAIT, NO, WAIT! It’s magic! It’s magic! The television creates an optical illusion!
Jim, Oluwande, Pete, and Frenchie take this as fact while Lucius and Izzy glance at each other doubtfully.
FRENCHIE
Yeah, that makes sense!
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH OLUWANDE - LATER
Oluwande walks on camera in front of the couch.
OLUWANDE
So, I just sit here then?
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Yeah, just go ahead and sit there.
ENZO
Alright… comfy.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH JIM - INTERCUT
Jim is sitting on the couch. This will be the same for the other crew members. Subtitles will be in english.
JIM
Ay, [what the hell is that?]
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Sorry?
JIM
(Pointing at camera)
What’s that?
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Oh, this is a camera.
JIM
…What’s a cam-rah?
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LUCIUS - INTERCUT
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
It’s a device that records people’s surroundings and sounds.
LUCIUS
So, it’s recording now?
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Yeah, and the footage, which is what we call it, can be distributed everywhere.
LUCIUS
Well, that would’ve made my job a whole lot easier. Is it like sketching with extra steps?
INT. INTERVIEW WITH PETE - INTERCUT
PETE
People can see this?
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Yup. Millions of people.
Pete gets into a cool guy pose and looks into the camera.
PETE
‘Sup world?
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FRENCHIE - INTERCUT
FRENCHIE
How do they send it out?
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Well, it gets archived, we spend some time editing it all together, and then upload it.
FRENCHIE
Like how witches craft curses and cast them onto people.
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Uh, no.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH IZZY - INTERCUT
IZZY
I’m just going to pretend I understood what you said.
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
Alright, we’re just gonna ask you one question.
IZZY
It better not waste my fucking time, I’ve got duties… to do.
CAMERA GUY (O.S)
This won’t take long at all. How did you end up in a life of piracy?
IZZY
How did I end up in a life of piracy? Let’s see…
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FRENCHIE - INTERCUT
FRENCHIE
I think-
INT. INTERVIEW WITH OLUWANDE - INTERCUT
OLUWANDE
It all-
INT. INTERVIEW WITH JIM - INTERCUT
JIM
Started when-
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LUCIUS - INTERCUT
LUCIUS
I was-
INT. INTERVIEW WITH PETE - INTERCUT
PETE
Born. Was it?
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
The gang waits in the kitchen for the interviews to be over.
Horace paces around in frustration.
HORACE
I cannot believe that I was mistaken for that ignoramus all those centuries ago.
ENZO
Yeah, and my counterpart just turned out to be a total simp. At least Rod’s was cool.
ROD
Don’t say that, I think it was really interesting to see what our opposites would be like, Lionel Garnier’s being a whimsical bard, and Princey Fluffernutter’s…
BEAT.
ENZO
Oh, he was hot.
HORACE
So hot, I cannot resist a man in uniform.
LIONEL GARNIER
I could definitely see the appeal.
ROD
Si, he was, ah… and Finley’s! He was something, right Finley?
FINLEY
Hm? Oh, sorry, just thinking about how pirate me and Horace are married in their world, weird isn’t it? Isn’t that weird, Horace? I didn’t even know they could do that back then. You think it was for benefits or something?
Jesus Christ Finley do you not see the heartache you’re causing him right now?
They suddenly hear the crew blasting and singing Dancing Queen by ABBA on speaker.
ENZO
Is that fucking Dancing Queen?!
HORACE
Okay! Looks like they are done!
Horace immediately leaves the kitchen.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
The gang all say their goodbyes.
ROD
I have to say, it was a pleasure meeting you all.
JIM
Yeah, it was cool meeting you too. You’re cool.
Rod GIGGLES bashfully.
Enzo and Oluwande fist bump.
ENZO
Later, man.
OLUWANDE
See ya.
Finley gives Lucius an uncomfortable noogie.
LUCIUS
Ow! Shit!
FINLEY
Don’t be a stranger, m’kay?
PETE
(Defensive)
Hey, hands off!
Finley backs off Lucius and gets up in Pete’s face.
FINLEY
Oh yeah? Or else what?
PETE
You’ll have to face me! Blackbeard's right hand!
LUCIUS (TO HORACE)
He’s not.
FINLEY
Well I’m an alpha wolf!
HORACE (TO LUCIUS)
He’s not.
Finley and Pete start to wrestle and fall to the ground.
LIONEL GARNIER
Hopefully you’ll have learned how to properly care for a stringed instrument.
FRENCHIE
Yeah, like I’m taking instrumental care-taking advice from a demon.
Lionel Garnier HISSES, making Frenchie cower.
Izzy is holding a BOX OF CAPRI SUNS.
IZZY
I’m gonna miss you Princey Fluffernutter, you old bastard, and thanks for capri suns.
Princey GRUNTS.
IZZY (CON’T)
Until we meet again.
CUT TO:
The crew walk through the purple portal on the wall. Jim & Oluwande and Lucius & Pete hold hands.
ROD
Goodbyeeeeee!
The crew and portal are now gone. The gang just stands there, unsure what to do now.
FINLEY
Now what?
ENZO
Anyone else feel sort of empty now that they’re gone?
ROD
Yeah, I wish they could’ve stayed longer.
HORACE
Well, I’m going to bed, Lionel Garnier, put Princey back in the dark and spooky chamber, will you?
Horace goes upstairs.
END CREDITS
The Chain by Fleetwood Mac plays.
END CREDIT SCENE
INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT
Finley and Pete are still wrestling on the ground as Lucius and Horace watch from afar.
LUCIUS
So Pete tells me you two aren’t a thing yet?
HORACE
…How did you do it?
LUCIUS
Well, these things take time to set in. Besides, you’re kind of a catch yourself, he’ll come chasing after you in no time.
Finley is sitting on top of Pete’s back, pinning his arm behind it.
FINLEY
Say uncle!
PETE
OW! FUCK, OKAY! UNCLE!
END CREDITS
Notes:
WOOH boy, the finale sure was something!
Chapter 5: 2x05: Finley’s Birthday
Summary:
Finley and Horace go out to dinner for Finley’s birthday while Rod, Enzo, and Lionel Garnier search for a cake.
Notes:
CW: one time character death, ear mutilation, slightly homophobic language and straight people
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Finley’s Birthday
EXT. ROWHOUSE - NIGHT
Shot of the Rowhouse.
INT. KITCHEN
Lionel Garnier puts a CHOCOLATE BIRTHDAY CAKE in the fridge.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Enzo and Rod begrudgingly put up birthday decorations, basic ones.
ENZO
This is bullshit.
ROD
Enzo, have some empathy, we are celebrating a housemate’s life!
ENZO
You’re making it sound like he died. It’s literally just his 33rd birthday, not even one of the cooler ages, like 18, or 21, or 69. I doubt he cares about it either.
Finley walks down the stairs.
FINLEY
‘Sup bitches? Guess who’s birthday it is?
ROD
Yours!
ENZO
Ugh.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY
Finley stands in front of the railing.
FINLEY
It’s my birthday, big ol’ three, three. Me, Horace and some old friends of mine are heading out for a dinner, they haven’t said where, it’s a surprise.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT
Finley and Horace (reading as per usual) are on the couch when Finley gets a message on his PHONE.
FINLEY (V.O)
They hit me up last night asking if I wanted to meet them for a birthday dinner.
FINLEY
(Unenthused)
Oh, my old friends want to meet up for my birthday tomorrow.
HORACE
(Suddenly interested)
It is your birthday tomorrow?
FINLEY
Yeah, I never told you?
HORACE
Obviously not! This calls for a celebration!
FINLEY
(Amused)
Someone’s excited.
Horace rises.
HORACE
More than excited my dear Finny! Rod! Fetch me the birthday decorations and essentials for we must celebrate Finny’s grand occasion!
ROD (O.S)
We don’t have those! I checked!
HORACE
Enzo! Drive me to the store to buy birthday decorations and essentials for we must celebrate Finny’s grand occasion!
ENZO (O.S)
Get Lionel Garnier to do it!
HORACE
Lionel Garnier!
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY - PRESENT
FINLEY
I asked them if Horace could come, they said “ARE you going to bring someone?” and I said “yeah, is that cool?” and they didn’t reply, so in other words it doesn’t mean no, which basically means yes. Horace seems really excited about it, and if he’s excited, then I’m excited! Lot’s of excitement today!
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD & ENZO
ENZO
Horace is definitely more excited about this than Finley.
ROD
He’s even more excited than me, and I am a very excitable person, so that’s saying something. I even made a card for Finley.
Rod holds up a HANDMADE BIRTHDAY CARD with a large paragraph and minuscule text taking up the entire card.
ENZO
He is not gonna be able to read that.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Lionel Garnier enters.
LIONEL GARNIER
Remind me again who you are meeting for dinner later?
FINLEY
Oh, The Professor and the rest of the pack, remember them?
LIONEL GARNIER
Master Finley, forgive me ever so for saying this, but you know how I feel about you hanging around that lot. And that feeling is deep loathing and disdain.
FINLEY
Jeez, Li, it’s not gonna be like that, it’s all good now. Oh, and you got the red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting like I asked, right? Trying to stay off chocolate, bad for werewolves, too much can kill us, gives us the runs too.
ENZO
You really couldn’t have left that last part out?
LIONEL GARNIER
(Lying)
…Of course I did.
ROD
When do you and Horace leave again?
FINLEY
Uh, I think right about-
They look up at a LOUD STOMP at the top of the stairs.
Camera whip pans up to Horace in a fancy, flamboyant Roaring 20’s esque get up that’s a mix of both masc and femme fashion, similar to Taco’s Puttin’ On The Ritz outfit, complimented by a white faux fur collar wrap, a cool, gothic WALKING CANE and lavender eyeshadow. Horace saunters his way down.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Now.
HORACE
You called?
ROD
Wowwwww!
ENZO
Is that my eyeshadow?
HORACE
It’s not like you ever use it.
FINLEY
Niiiice, man’s looking pretty darn dapper!
HORACE
Thank you, Finny.
FINLEY
Alright, let’s get moving! Lionel, I’m taking the Bentley!
LIONEL GARNIER
(Restraint)
As you wish.
Finley runs off as Horace follows after, like little kids running to an amusement park.
ROLL CREDITS.
INT. BENTLEY - NIGHT
Finley and Horace are driving in the Bentley, while Queen plays (Good Omens reference hehe).
HORACE
How long until we get there?
FINLEY
The directions on my phone say we should be there in a couple of minutes.
HORACE
We have been driving for a fucking eternity, and I’m over 701 years old.
FINLEY
Looks like we’re all the way out in Massachusetts.
HORACE
How can you tell?
A MASSHOLE CAR suddenly cuts them off without using their turn signal, and Finley hits the brakes and puts a protective hand on Horace.
FINLEY
HEY!
Finley HONKS the horn then pops his head out the window and hits the side of the Bentley.
FINLEY (CON’T)
(Yelling)
LEARN HOW TO USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL, ASSHOLE!
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MEANWHILE
Lionel Garnier chucks the CHOCOLATE CAKE into the trash.
ROD
Well, that was a waste of a perfectly good cake.
ENZO
Not only am I shocked at the fact you got him a whole ass chocolate cake knowing he was a werewolf, but at the fact you got him one knowing that at least 80% of the people who live here can’t eat chocolate.
LIONEL GARNIER
He has asked for a chocolate cake every year for his birthday, I follow a very strict routine and I neglected to take in the fact that he’s now unable to consume chocolate.
ROD
Question: Did he ask you to get him a red velvet cake?
LIONEL GARNIER
…Negative.
ENZO
Yeah, that sounds like him.
LIONEL GARNIER
We must go to the grocery store immediately and get that cake.
ENZO
Nghhh, why do we have to go?
LIONEL GARNIER
Because you two still need to get him birthday presents.
ROD
But I made him a card.
Rod holds up the HOMEMADE BIRTHDAY CARD.
LIONEL GARNIER
Oh, he is not going to be able to read that. Come, we must hurry.
Lionel Garnier grabs Enzo’s CAR KEYS and exits the house.
ENZO
And he grabbed my keys.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOOTERS PARKING LOT
Finley parks the Bentley into a parking space.
FINLEY
Well, here we are.
HORACE
Fina-fucking-ly.
They get out of the car. Finley finally sees that the place is a Hooters restaurant and looks up at the sign in apprehension.
FINLEY
Oh. Hooters.
HORACE
Ooh, an owl sanctuary, très bon goût.
CUT TO:
INT. HOOTERS - CONTINUOUS
Finley and Horace walk into the loud and crowded restaurant which is filled to the brim with boobs and booze. They both look wildly out of place. Finley is uncomfortable with the atmosphere.
FINLEY
Guess this is the place.
HORACE
There seems to be a severe lack of owls.
THE PROFESSOR, early 50’s, (played by Glenn Howerton) sitting at a high table with some goons about Finley’s age, spots him and walks over.
THE PROFESSOR
Hey! Jones! Good to see you!
FINLEY
Professor!
Finley attempts to hug him, but The Professor backs away.
THE PROFESSOR
Woah, cool your jets buddy! Remember, it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.
FINLEY
Oh, no, yeah, it’s- it’s cool, it’s cool.
THE PROFESSOR
Anyway, how’s it been? What happened to your flannel, the one that I got you?
FINLEY
Oh. Uhhhhhh-
THE PROFESSOR
So… who’s uh, who’s your friend?
FINLEY
Oh, that’s Horace! I asked if he could come, remember?
HORACE (TO WAITRESS #1)
Excuse me, could you point me to where you keep your owls?
THE PROFESSOR
Mind explaining why an old man looks like if Woody Harrelson were a drag queen?
GOON #1
Yeah, and his drag name is The Dee-pression!
FINLEY
Ah, good one Goon number one! Uh, nah, he’s just like that.
THE PROFESSOR
Ah.
FINLEY
Once he warms up to you, he’s absolutely lovely.
They notice WAITRESS #1 absolutely flustering Horace.
WAITRESS #1
(Flirtingly)
I’m really busy right now, but I’d be happy to show you later.
HORACE
Ah, a one night stand and owls, what could be better than this?
Waitress #1 GIGGLES and goes back to work. Finley starts regretting everything.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE
Horace stands in the lobby.
HORACE
I may have overdressed a little bit for the occasion.
CUT TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE|BAKED GOODS AISLE
Lionel Garnier pursues for the perfect cake at the cake counter, while Enzo and Rod wait impatiently behind him.
ENZO
Just grab a non-chocolate cake and go, he’s not going to care.
ROD
Si, he’ll eat anything. Literally, I caught him trying to eat a pair of my shoes once. Those were antiques :(.
LIONEL GARNIER
Shhh!
ENZO
Jeez, now I know how you felt at IHOP.
ROD
It wasn’t very pleasant.
ENZO
Remember when you projectile vomited all over Kyle’s shoes?
ROD
He got so mad!
ENZO
It was awesome!
LIONEL GARNIER
Drat! Excuse me, do you happen to have any red velvet cakes with cream cheese frosting?
CAKE EMPLOYEE
I’ll see if that’s in stock.
Cake Employee checks in the back or something, where they store cakes.
ENZO
I prefer a good carrot cake myself, to be honest.
ROD
I tried it once. I think you know how that ended. Ten out of ten though.
Cake employee comes back.
CAKE EMPLOYEE
I’m sorry sir, we don’t have any.
LIONEL GARNIER
Could you check again?
CAKE EMPLOYEE
I can assure you, we are out.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Holding back)
…I see.
Lionel Garnier turns around.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
Mr. Abebe, Mx. Rodriguez, why don’t you two head over to the Marshall’s next door and see if you can find some fitting gifts for master Finley? I’m sure you two will get along well.
ROD
I mean, we have known each other longer than we’ve known you-
LIONEL GARNIER
Now, if you excuse me, I need to go and powder my nose.
Lionel Garnier marches off and exits.
ENZO
Is he alright?
ROD
I don’t think he ate anything weird lately.
LIONEL GARNIER (O.S)
FUCK!
CUT TO:
INT. HIGH CHAIR TABLE - MEANWHILE
They’re all sitting at a high table, making conversation. The Professor sits right in between Finley and Horace, and Horace is too gay for this shit.
THE PROFESSOR
So, Jones, how’re things going for you lately?
FINLEY
Great! I moved into a rowhouse down in Portsmouth last-
THE PROFESSOR
That’s not what I meant, I meant how’s your game been?
FINLEY
…My game?
GOON #2
Pollinate any flowers?
GOON #1
Caulk any cracks in the walls?
GOON #3
Give a girl a green dress?
HORACE
People still say that?
FINLEY
Ummmm.
BEAT.
THE PROFESSOR
I meant did you bang any chicks?
FINLEY
(Uncomfortable)
Oh! Y-yeah! I totally did! Loads of them!
GOON #1
I hope the loads weren’t on them!
The Goons burst into haughty womanizing laughter. Camera zooms in on Horace, having just the grandest time of his life (which is a fucking lie).
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE - INTERCUT
HORACE
This is what happens when you fall in love with a straight man, word of advice: don’t. Sometimes sacrifices must be made, that sacrifice being my sanity.
CUT TO:
INT. HOOTERS - PRESENT
The Goons are still laughing like a bunch of dude bros as Finley chuckles uneasily.
The Professor silences them.
THE PROFESSOR
Good to hear you’re still putting that old Jonesy charm to use.
FINLEY
Yeah, sure.
WAITRESS #2 walks up to them with a NOTEPAD, and a sour mood.
WAITRESS #2
Are you boys ready to order yet?
THE PROFESSOR
(Creepy)
I’d actually like a good tall glass of water myself.
FINLEY
Heh, good one, Professor.
HORACE
No it wasn’t.
The Professor glares at Horace. Okay, I see how this is.
THE PROFESSOR
Birthday boy, why don’t you go first?
FINLEY
I’d like the boneless wings and curly fries with parmesan garlic sauce on the side, please.
HORACE
Well, it is your birthday.
WAITRESS #2
(Writing down)
Okay-
THE PROFESSOR
Wait, I’m sorry, give us a minute; boneless wings and curly fries? Those are basically chicken nuggets with extra steps, and what’s this? Diet coke? What’re you? Five?
FINLEY
I-It’s just that the bones get in the way and sauce gets everywhere, their slogan says that they get to your stomach faster.
HORACE
Excuse me, he is not five, he is thirty three, and quite frankly, barely looks a day over thirty.
FINLEY (TO HORACE)
(Hushed)
Dude, stop.
THE PROFESSOR
You know what? Get us six orders of Daytona Beach wings with blue cheese and six pints of beer, m’kay sweetheart?
Waitress #2 leaves in perfectly valid disgust. (Hehe Jackie Daytona reference).
FINLEY
But I like boneless…
THE PROFESSOR
I know you do, buddy, but you have to learn that without the bone, it just becomes too soft, and in this world, you can’t be soft. You have to be hard.
Horace loudly GAGS. The Professor turns to him with audacity.
THE PROFESSOR (CON’T)
I’m sorry, is there a problem here?
HORACE
(Bitchy)
No, I just caught something in my throat.
BEAT.
GOON #3
The Daytona wings aren’t even that good-
THE PROFESSOR
I did not give you permission to speak, Goon number three!
GOON #3
Jeez, okay. Don’t have to yell.
Camera lingers on Horace and Finley, the former watching the latter sheepishly sip from his DIET COKE.
CUT TO:
INT. MARSHALL’S - MEANWHILE
Enzo searches the men’s clothing aisle for a good present. Rod pops out from the rack and scares him.
ROD
Found anything yet?
ENZO
No. You?
ROD
I tried looking for a good card but they’re all so bland and soulless, and a little mean-spirited, and the rest are too mushy for my taste, and that is saying a lot.
ENZO
Those are usually for relatives to put money in and your parents to take and never give it back to you.
ROD
Why would they do such a thing?
ENZO
You tell me. Hang on…
Enzo grabs a RED FLANNEL from the rack, one identical from Finley’s old one.
ENZO (CON’T)
Hey, this looks exactly like Finley’s old flannel, like an exact replica.
ROD
You should get him that!
ENZO
I don’t know, it’s only fifteen bucks, and knowing Finley’s background-
ROD
Presumably.
ENZO
…He wouldn’t settle for that low of a price.
ROD
I mean… Does he have to know?
ENZO
(Thinking about it)
Hm.
Lionel Garnier walks up to them, having calmed down.
LIONEL GARNIER
Evening. I want to apologize for my previous behavior and outburst. I was under a lot of last minute stress and pressure, and panicked.
ENZO
I mean… y’know, it’s whatever.
ROD
We all have those days.
LIONEL GARNIER
I’m afraid we will have to give up on the cake search.
ENZO
What?
ROD
Por que?
LIONEL GARNIER
Because everything is closed.
ENZO
No it’s not.
The lights in the Marshall’s suddenly shut off.
LIONEL GARNIER
I suggest we leave and buy the presents, or present now.
ROD
I think I have an idea to help solve your cake situation…
BEAT.
ENZO
Are you gonna tell us or what?
ROD
Oh, I was waiting for you to shut me down.
ENZO
What? No. No, no. No!
MARSHALL’S EMPLOYEE storms up to them.
MARSHALL’S EMPLOYEE
Hey, the store's closing, you need to get out of here.
ROD
I’ll tell you when we get to the car.
ENZO
I hope Finley and Horace are having a better time than us.
CUT TO:
INT. HOOTERS - MEANWHILE
At the high table, the Goons are lethargic from a food coma, The Professor is drunk, and Finley is surrounded by CRUMPLED SAUCE NAPKINS. Horace is still over this. They are, in fact, not having a better time.
Finley gnaws on a HALF EATING WING, annoyed by the bone in the way.
THE PROFESSOR
I know I’ve said this before, Jones, but I see myself in you.
FINLEY
(Assured)
Really, professor?
THE PROFESSOR
Yes, I do.
HORACE (TO HIMSELF)
Eugh, you should’ve let him get the parmesan garlic sauce.
GOON #2 (TO HORACE)
Hey, you gonna eat that?
HORACE
Get these out of my sight.
Horace pushes his untouched PLATE OF WINGS to the Goons, who scarf them down like animals.
THE PROFESSOR
In fact, you remind me exactly of my younger self; a wreckless party animal that couldn’t resist fucking shit up.
FINLEY
I-is that an insult?
THE PROFESSOR
Quite the opposite my friend. Remember that time we went out for some drinks, and you decided to throw a party without us, which is fine. But then you wrecked my fridge. Now, the party thing; we all know that wasn’t true, but we weren’t going to argue with someone who was obviously not in the right mindset to absolutely body a five foot metal ice box. And those nasty scars on your back… pretty gnarly man. You’re a goddamn beast, I tell you. A goddamn beast.
BEAT.
FINLEY
(Timid)
I need to go use the bathroom.
THE PROFESSOR
Yeah, those beers and wings can go right through you.
Finley pushes his chair back and gets away from the table.
HORACE
I need to powder my nose as well.
Horace follows after Finley.
CUT TO:
INT. HOOTERS BATHROOM HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The camera follows Horace as he goes to the men’s bathroom.
HORACE
(Concerned)
For fucks sake, Finny.
Horace opens the door to the men’s bathroom and walks in.
INT. HOOTERS MEN’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Horace goes to the stall that Finley is in and gets close to the door.
HORACE (CON’T)
Finny? Are you alright?
FINLEY (O.S)
Occupied.
HORACE
Finny, I feel like we need to have a talk.
FINLEY (O.S)
You can’t force me to come out.
HORACE
I know I can’t, Finny-
Finley suddenly opens the door and angrily gets his face close to Horace’s face.
FINLEY
Okay, you’ve got to stop calling me that in front of my friends!
HORACE
Your “friends” are giving you nervous shits!
FINLEY
One, that’s gross, two-
A toilet FLUSHES as CONFUSED PATRON walks out the stall and just stands next to them, nervously glancing at them and at the camera.
CONFUSED PATRON
Sorry, I just gotta-
FINLEY
No, it's fine, you can go.
HORACE
Go right ahead.
CONFUSED PATRON
‘Scuse me.
Confused Patron scootches by them, and goes to the sink to wash his hands, then heads for the door but stops turns his head to them.
CONFUSED PATRON (CON’T)
Oh, and happy birthday.
FINLEY
Thanks.
HORACE
Much appreciated.
Confused Patron walks out, and they circle back to their argument.
FINLEY
Two, my friends are just dicks, that’s how friends are! You guys can be dicks, you, Enzo, Lionel sometimes, Rod occasionally, even I can be a dick to you sometimes, and remember how you called us strays?
HORACE
Yes, looking back I was out of line for saying that, and I am sorry, but we are clean dicks with protection, that “professor” is a syphilitic worm!
FINLEY
Maybe you should just leave. Go wait in the Bentley or something.
BEAT.
WOOH BOY, WELL IF THAT ISN’T ABSOLUTELY HEART STRANGLING.
HORACE
(Shakey)
Well… I suppose if you feel so inclined by that choice.
They stand in silence for what seems like a millenia. Finley finally decides to make the choice to leave the bathroom. It physically pains Horace to see him go.
CUT TO:
INT. ENZO’S CAR - MEANWHILE
Rod, Enzo, and Lionel Garnier drive through dark woods on a dirt road. Enzo is left with a DIRTY DUFFEL BAG.
LIONEL GARNIER
How much longer should I keep driving, Mx. Rodriguez?
ROD
Just a few more minutes, we should be getting close.
Enzo grabs a LITTLE ENCLOSED CUP OF STRANGE WHITE LIQUID out of the bag.
ENZO
Rod, what the fuck am I holding in my hand?!
ROD
I’ll explain when we get there, don’t worry about it.
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK WOODS - MOMENTS LATER
The car is pulled over, headlights still on. Rod, Lionel Garnier, and Enzo get out of the car.
ROD
We’re here.
ENZO
Where exactly is “here”? All I see is forest.
ROD
Just follow me, and stay close. Everyone got your white pebbles and bread crumbs?
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD - INTERCUT
Rod is being interviewed while Enzo and Lionel Garnier trudge through the woods behind them, tossing WHITE PEBBLES behind them.
ROD
We’re in the dark forest to… meet with a witch.
ENZO
A witch?!
ROD
Si, I’m not excited about this either-
ENZO
Nah fuck this, I’m out. I’m not getting MY semen stolen!
ROD
Enzo, that only applies to-
Lionel Garnier is suddenly snatched up by A WITCH, who flies away with Lionel Garnier SCREAMING.
ROD (CON’T)
Ah, jeez.
Rod flies up and goes after them, leaving Enzo to make a stupid/tough decision.
ENZO
Goddammit.
Enzo runs after them.
CUT TO:
EXT. GINGERBREAD TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER
Enzo keeps running until he spots something unbelievable.
ENZO
What the fuck?!
Camera whips around to spot Rod having a standoff with ROSINA THE WITCH, holding Lionel Garnier at wand-point to his neck. She has long disheveled hair, green skin, and is wearing a witch hat, a wife-beater, and jeans.
ROSINA
Not one step! Hang on, Rodriguez?!
ROD
(Nervous as shit)
Gingerbread Hag! It is so good to see you again!
ROSINA
(Pissed)
That’s my grandma’s name! My name is Rosina!
ROD
Si, si, forgive me for my ignorance!
LIONEL GARNIER
Mx. Rodriguez could you PLEASE tell this old witch to let go of me this instant?!
ROSINA
When you meant ‘witch’ do you mean my actual title or an insult to my age?
ENZO
Are you the witch from Hansel & Gretel?! The one where she tried to eat those kids?!
ROSINA
Again, with that goddamn fairytale- NO! I’m her granddaughter, and FYI, she didn’t try to eat them, that was just some made up bullshit to stop humans from trying to eat her house! Why are you all here?!
ROD
We came to ask of you a great favor, in exchange for this!
Rod holds up the LITTLE ENCLOSED CUP.
ROSINA
Vampire semen?
ROD
Straight from the source.
ENZO
WHAT?!
ROD (TO ENZO)
Si, Horace keeps a stash of these in case something like this were to happen, this stuff helps de-age witches.
Enzo GAGS.
ROSINA
In exchange for what exactly?
ROD
That you’ll help us make a cake for our friend's birthday. Preferably red velvet with cream cheese frosting.
ROSINA
Your friend has good taste. Fine, I guess I’ll help you, but if word about this gets out I will make the cannibalism rumor true.
Rosina pushes Lionel Garnier away.
ROSINA (CON’T)
Get inside, but don’t make a mess.
ROD
Ooh, goody!
ENZO
I touched that cup with my hands…
They head inside the gingerbread trailer.
CUT TO:
INT. HOOTERS OUTSIDE THE UTILITY CLOSET
Waitress #1 walks out with the faux fur neck wrap in absolute sex euphoria. Horace walks out after her, fixing his cravat.
WAITRESS #1
That was amazing. Hey, what’s wrong?
HORACE
…My housemate’s friends are giving him a shitty ass birthday, but he doesn’t want to believe it.
WAITRESS #1
Ugh, men.
HORACE
I know, and I didn’t even get to see any owls!
WAITRESS #1
Anything I can do?
HORACE
It’s not much, but there is one thing.
CUT TO:
INT. HIGH CHAIR TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Everyone has finished eating.
THE PROFESSOR
So, Jones, have you been catching up on those podcasts lately?
FINLEY
I don’t listen to them that much anymore. Didn’t the host get arrested for human traffi-
THE PROFESSOR
Well, it’s safe to say that tonight’s affair has been a success. To success!
GOONS #1 #2 & #3
(Down-hearted)
To success.
THE PROFESSOR
Now, Jones, I seem to have left my wallet at home, now you don’t mind paying for all of this, do ya?
Finley, having had enough of this, slams the table and pushes his chair back then leaves the table.
The Professor and the Goons follow after him.
CUT TO:
INT. HOOTERS PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
The Professor chases after Finley.
THE PROFESSOR
Jones, Jones, Jones, hey! Let’s talk about this! We still need to pay!
FINLEY
Sh-shut up! Just shut up!
THE PROFESSOR
My, this is new.
Horace walks out with a TAKEOUT BOX.
HORACE
Finny? What is happening?
THE PROFESSOR
Ah, your little friend is here! Fantastic.
FINLEY
Horace, get in the car.
THE PROFESSOR
Shame, I was hoping to persuade you back into our old pack. You’ve failed, Jones.
FINLEY
Oh, failed what?
THE PROFESSOR
The test of life.
FINLEY
That is the most cringe-worthy bullshit I’ve ever heard, god, I can’t believe I ever looked up to you.
THE PROFESSOR
I MADE YOU FINLEY JONES, FROM THE RAGS ON YOUR BODY TO THE SCARS ON YOUR BACK, I MADE YOU INTO THE GODDAMN WOLF MAN YOU ARE TODAY!
FINLEY
…You turned me into a werewolf… and your goons too… and you threw me out into the fucking streets?!
THE PROFESSOR
I’m sure it was better than whatever the living hell happened to you after that, living in the middle of buttfuck nowhere Portsmouth, with some old fairy as a roommate!
GOON #1
Professor! That’s enough!
Finley grabs The Professor’s shirt hem and brings their faces closer.
FINLEY
(Rage)
Call him anything like that again, and I’ll club your fucking balls all the way into your throat!
THE PROFESSOR
My… what would dear old Jackson think of this?
Finley punches The Professor, who then lunges at Finley, and they roll around on the ground and make SNARLING NOISES.
Horace quickly bites into Goon #1’s neck and kills him, making the other two Goons run away in fear.
HORACE
Mm, virgin.
Finley rips The Professor's ear off with his teeth, The Professor SCREAMS in pain and fear.
The Professor shoves Finley off and sits up, holding where his ear used to be.
THE PROFESSOR
What the fuck?!
Horace grabs The Professor by the shirt hem, lifts him up and flies up a few feet in the air, fixing him with a dead look in his eyes.
THE PROFESSOR
No, no, please!
HORACE
I can go higher.
THE PROFESSOR
Va- vamp-
Horace HISSES and bares his fangs.
THE PROFESSOR
AAAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Horace drops him to the ground. The Professor fearfully looks at Finley one more time.
Finley spits his ear into his face.
The Professor CRIES out, then gets up and runs away.
Horace floats back down.
FINLEY
We have to go. Now!
Finley runs to the car, and Horace quickly goes back to pick up the TAKEOUT BOX.
CUT TO:
INT. BENTLEY - LATER
Finley and Horace drive in silence. Horace glances at Finley.
HORACE
I got you your bonerless wings.
They continue driving in silence.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROWHOUSE - LATER
Finley and Horace get out of the car. They lean against the wall. Finley pulls out his CIGARETTE BOX and LIGHTER.
HORACE
I want to apologize for ruining your birthday.
FINLEY
Nah, it wasn’t your fault. They were being massive dick wads. So was I. The worst part about this is that he was my college professor.
HORACE
I see.
Finley offers Horace a cigarette. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.
Horace takes it and puts it in his mouth.
Finley lights both their cigarettes, Horace looks up at him with a pining look.
They look up at the stars and smoke.
FINLEY
Honestly, I only looked forward to my birthday because you were looking forward to it.
HORACE
Yes, well, that’s the one of the many burdens that come with immortality; the more you age, the less you remember, including my day of birth.
FINLEY
What if we shared birthdays? Now I have something to look forward to for my next birthday.
HORACE
Really?
FINLEY
Yeah! I wouldn’t mind sharing, besides, you’re like, really cool.
HORACE
(Flattered)
You think I am cool?
FINLEY
Yeah dude! You’re so cool!
BEAT.
HORACE
Before I forget.
Horace stomps his CIGARETTE out and grabs a SMALL BOX from his coat, and opens it to Finley.
FINLEY
(Amazed)
Whaaat?
Finley stomps his CIGARETTE out and picks up the DOG TAG and examines it, then puts it on.
HORACE
I got this for you, initials and other sorts. I did not know if you would like that sort of thing-
FINLEY
I love it! Thank you!
Horace blushes.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Oh, wait, I don’t have a present for you!
HORACE
No, no, that’s quite alright, I’m… content with what I have.
Finley hugs Horace. Horace hugs back. Finley pulls back.
HORACE
Happy birthday, Finny.
FINLEY
Happy birthday to you too, Horace. Let’s head inside and tell everyone we’ve got two birthday boys in need of some cake.
HORACE
I don’t eat cake.
They head inside.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rod, Enzo, and Lionel Garnier stand in front of them with a new CAKE, BIRTHDAY CARD, and GIFT BAG in hand.
ROD, ENZO & LIONEL GARNIER
Surprise!
FINLEY
Aw, you guys!
LIONEL GARNIER
We got you a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, just like you asked.
Rod walks over to Finley and hands him the card.
ROD
And a card, just for you.
FINLEY
You shouldn’t have!
Finley opens the card and squints.
FINLEY (CON’T)
I’m sorry, I cannot read this. I appreciate it though, that is what matters.
Enzo walks over.
ENZO
And I got this for you. Hope it’s not too inexpensive for you.
FINLEY
Shut up.
Finley takes the GIFT BAG and takes the FLANNEL out, and looks at it in awe.
ENZO
Do you like it?
FINLEY
No, yeah, I love it. I’ll put it on later.
Finley sets the presents on the table.
ROD
How was your dinner?
FINLEY
(Looking at Horace)
Well, all I can say is that it was unlike any other birthday I’ve ever had.
Rod and Enzo look at Horace. Did you guys ACTUALLY…?
Horace shakes his head solemnly. No, we didn’t.
Lionel Garnier hands Finley a PLATE with a CANDLE LIT SLICE OF CAKE.
LIONEL GARNIER
I went ahead and cut the first slice for you, Master Finley.
FINLEY
I couldn’t have asked for better friends to have spent today with.
Finley BLOWS out the CANDLE, and they all congratulate him.
Finley takes a bite of the cake, it sits in his mouth uncomfortably. He gently spits up a live frog onto the plate.
They all stare at the frog in silent shock.
END CREDITS.
Notes:
Boy do I love gay people
Chapter 6: 2x06: The Visit
Summary:
Horace and Finley’s friend, Elea Nikkelson, visits and introduces them to her new girlfriend. Princey Fluffernutter is just so e a g e r to meet them.
Notes:
CW: uhhhhhhhh lemme think. Scary southeast Asian monster that has her internal organs hanging from her body. Yeah that’s all I got.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The visit
EXT. ROW HOUSE - NIGHT
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Horace is calling Elea on the PHONE while Enzo sits on the couch.
HORACE
Okay. Okay, sounds wonderful, I shall talk to you later. No, you hang up! No you- oh, she hung up.
ENZO
Who was that?
HORACE
A friend of mine and Finny’s, Elea Nikkelson. She is paying a visit today. We met at a shady motel parking lot where I almost fiddled her kid diddler husband whom she murdered in cold blood, rightfully so too.
ENZO
…Uh huh.
Finley comes down the stairs.
FINLEY
Hey!
HORACE
Finny!
FINLEY
I know you said you didn’t want any gifts, but I went ahead and got you this.
Finley hands THE SONG OF ACHILLES to Horace.
FINLEY (CON’T)
It’s called Song of Achilles. I got this at a Barnes and Noble, and I heard it was a gay book, and a good one at that, and I thought that you might like it, because it’s a book; with gay stuff; and history stuff; and stuff like that. If you don’t like it, I can take it back if I still have the receipt. Wait, no, I think I ate it.
HORACE
Thank you Finny. I shall read this when I have the time. Now go get ready, our dear friend Elea Nikkelson is paying us a visit, and is bringing a special guest.
FINLEY
You mean the lady who murdered her pedo husband at the motel?
HORACE
Indeed it is!
BEAT.
FINLEY
Cool, cool.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY - INTERCUT
FINLEY
Okay, don’t get me wrong, Elea is totally awesome.
Show a clip sequence of Elea acting like a badass from s1 ep6.
FINLEY (V.O)
But she’s also really scary. She killed her own husband without a second thought, and paid us to keep quiet.
End sequence.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Hopefully she’s calmed down after that shit show.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT
Lionel Garnier walks in.
LIONEL GARNIER
What’s this about a guest? Do I need to make sure everything is in tip top shape? See if Princey Fluffernutter needs to be further contained?
FINLEY
Y’know, Lionel, I’ve stressed you enough about the cake, so why don’t you just take a break and chillax, ‘kay?
LIONEL GARNIER
A break?
FINLEY
Yeah, I order you to take a break.
LIONEL GARNIER
As you wish.
Lionel Garnier goes and sits on the couch robotically.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
I’m chillaxing.
BEAT.
Rod phases out from the wall and jumpscares everyone.
ROD
WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME WE WERE HAVING VISITORS?!
ENZO
For fucks sake, Rod!
HORACE
If I weren’t already undead you could’ve given me a heart attack!
ROD
You’ve never wanted visitors over! This place is a mess, we must tidy up, starting-
There’s a KNOCK on the door.
HORACE
I shall get that!
FINLEY
(Dog mode)
I’ll get it!
Horace and Finley both rush over to the door and let Elea and BIAN, Elea’s new spiritual, 70’s hippie girlfriend, Vietnamese, appears mid 40’s, in.
ELEA
WAZAAAAAP?
FINLEY
WAZAPPPPP?!
HORACE
Yes, what is up?
They all hug.
ELEA
Oh, everyone meet Bian, my new girlfriend!
BIAN
It’s a pleasure to meet you all!
FINLEY
(Shaking her hand)
Finley Jones, at your service.
HORACE
(Formal)
Horace Balassa. These are Lionel Garnier, Enzo Abebe, and Rod-
He notices Rod still in the wall.
ELEA
Did we come at a bad time?
Rod quickly exits the wall and trips on the ground.
ROD
I’m okay!
They all stare at Rod.
CREDITS ROLL.
EXT. ROW HOUSE - NIGHT
Shot of the Rowhouse. It’s raining.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - MEANWHILE
Elea and Bian stand in the kitchen.
ELEA
Okay, so, you guys are monsters?
FINLEY
Uh, yeah basically.
Camera pans over to Enzo tying Rod and Horace’s hands together.
ROD
I feel as though this might be a bit excessive.
HORACE
Normally, I’d be into this. Enzo, let us go so we can hypnotize them into forgetting this ever happened, or so help me.
ENZO
That is exactly why I’m tying your hands together. Lionel Garnier, help me with this, won’t you?
LIONEL GARNIER (O.S)
I’m afraid I can’t do that, I’m on a break.
ENZO
Dammit Finley.
FINLEY (TO ELEA)
That’s not a problem, is it? We like you, so we won’t kill you, which is a plus.
BIAN
Do have mercy on them, my little dandelion. I like this bunch, so free-spirited and unashamed.
BEAT.
ELEA
(Trying to hide something)
Sure! Not a problem! You guys are monsters, big deal! Besides, you guys scratch my back, I scratch yours.
FINLEY
Thank goodness.
ROD
That’s great! Now, can you untie us please?
ENZO
Hang on, I’m close to finally knotting this new knot I’m trying out.
Enzo tightens the ROPE around Rod’s wrists, which painfully squeezes them.
ROD
[Too tight!]
ENZO
Shit!
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Elea is basically a lapdog on Bian. Rod, Finley, and Lionel Garnier are also on the couch, Horace is on the chair, and Enzo is standing.
HORACE
Soooo, how did this happen?
ELEA
How did what happen?
ENZO
The thing that’s making you sit on Bian’s goddamn lap.
FINLEY
Dude!
ROD
Enzo! Manners!
ENZO
Sorry. The thing that’s making you sit on Bian’s damn lap. See? I removed the g-word.
ELEA
Oh, well, we, uh, um, it’s a funny story actually-
BIAN
We met at her dead husbands’ burial.
BEAT.
HORACE
…Oh.
LIONEL GARNIER
How did he die?
ELEA
Who’s asking?
LIONEL GARNIER
I am, now cough it up, babe.
FINLEY
Lionel!
LIONEL GARNIER
What? I’m on break.
ELEA
Well, seeing as how you guys basically do what I did to live, I’ll just give it to ya straight-
BIAN
He was murdered in cold blood.
ENZO
…Uh-
ELEA
Babe. (To Enzo) He was a kid diddler, so it’s fine.
Princey peeks out from the trapdoor. The gang all spot this. Fuck, what’s he doing here?!
ELEA (CON’T)
Yeah, you’d think I’d at least be upset he was seeing someone as a married man, but like, I think marrying a pedophile should be the most of literally anyone’s worries.
The gang all signal Princey to get the fuck back in his dark and spooky chamber. Elea has her eyes on Bian the entire time.
ELEA (CON’T)
Yeah, so, basically how we met was that they were doing the burial, I made sure to shed a few tears to keep the fuzz off my tits, and lo and behold, this absolute death flower goddess popped outta nowhere. What were you doing there again, babe?
Princey comes out of the chamber and just, fuckin, WALKS UP THE GODDAMN STAIRS, looking at the gang the entire time as they gesture at him to come back down. Rod hastily phases into the wall.
BIAN
Oh, just wandering around, spreading some sage, then I noticed you. Thank goodness it was a burial and not a cremation.
ELEA
Fucking love this bitch.
Elea and Bian kiss.
BIAN
I remember being so hungry that day-
ELEA
HUNGRY FOR ROMANCE THAT IS!
Rod phases out the upstairs hallway wall then covers Princey’s mouth and pulls him behind. We hear a DOOR SLAM.
BIAN
I’m sensing a rather secretive aura in this house.
FINLEY
(Nervous)
Yeah, wonder why? Hehe.
Finley pulls out his LIGHTER and a CIGARETTE and lights it.
Bian rises from the couch and furiously swats the LIGHTER out of Finley's hands.
BIAN
Forgive me… I’m rather strongly against tobacco smoking. I stick to medicinal herbs.
FINLEY
(Please don’t hurt me)
Yeah, no, yeah, I-I get it. I get it.
HORACE
But Elea, you asked Finny for a cigarette after you killed your husband-
ELEA
AND I QUIT! YUP! FOR MY DAUGHTER AND BIAN! HEALTH PROBLEMS, NO OTHER REASON!
Bian feels faint and slouches, Elea immediately rises and holds her.
BIAN
Could you show me to your bathroom, please?
ENZO
We don’t have one!
HORACE
Vampires do not require such a thing!
BEAT.
ELEA
Okay, but what about the non-vampires?
FINLEY
We take dumps by the bushes!
Rod walks over to the railing.
ROD
(Shaken up)
I would like to call a house meeting in the bathroom.
HORACE
Which we do not have!
ROD
(Clenched teeth)
House meeting. Upstairs. Now.
HORACE
Uh… just sit tight, this will hopefully only take a minute.
Horace, Enzo, and Finley rush up the stairs. Finley pivots back to grab Lionel Garnier’s arm and drag him with them.
LIONEL GARNIER
But I’m on break!
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Enzo locks the door, joining the semi-circle surrounding Rod.
ENZO
(Hushed)
Okay, what the fuck is going on?! Better make it snappy!
ROD
This is what is going on!
Rod opens the shower curtain to show a provoked Princey Fluffernutter in the bathtub, GROWLING. Rod immediately closes the curtain.
HORACE
Why now of all times?!
ROD
Well, obviously he wants to meet our new guests!
FINLEY
That’s really not a fucking option though, is it?! Where’s it’s phone? Maybe we can lure him back into the basement!
LIONEL GARNIER
You mean my phone that he claimed ownership of?
Elea pounds on the door from the other side.
ELEA (O.S)
Open up! I know there’s a shitter behind that door!
ENZO
Shit, we can’t let them see this.
ROD
Oh!
Rod starts unbuttoning their shirt.
HORACE
What the hell are you doing?
ROD
If we can’t let them see Princey, we should cover him up! Everyone, remove an article of clothing and put it on Princey.
FINLEY
That’s gonna raise more questions than answers.
ROD
It’s the best I can think of while under pressure, now strip!
Everyone each starts taking off an article of their own clothing.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
Elea holds Bian while waiting for them.
They all walk out cautiously, each missing one or more pieces of clothing, keeping Princey as hidden as possible.
Princey Fluffernutter is wearing, and in this order, Enzo’s shoes, Finley’s shorts, Enzo’s sweater around his waist, Horace’s dress shirt, Rod’s ye olde binder, Lionel Garnier’s blazer, Horace’s cravat, a medical mask from Finley’s pocket, and Rod’s hat.
So take that in: Finley’s pantsless, Horace’s arms are exposed, Enzo’s in a tank top, and Rod and Lionel Garnier are… basically normal.
ROD
Apologies for the wait, we were taking care of some things.
ELEA
Why are you all nearly half naked?
HORACE
Polyamorous endeavors.
ELEA
Uh huh… Who the hell is that?
Bian GROANS in pain.
ELEA (CON’T)
(Commando mode)
Never mind that! Outta the way people!
Elea shoves everyone out of the way then opens the door and pushes Bian inside.
ELEA (CON’T)
Let me know if you need anything BiBi!
BIAN (O.S)
Thank you, my little ash orchid.
FINLEY
(Snark)
Bibi?
ELEA
(Threatening)
You’ve seen what I can do… again, who the shit is that guy, and why the hell are you half naked?
ENZO
Plumber! He came by to fix the pipes!
HORACE
But it seems as though he’s fixed ours instead.
BEAT.
ELEA
You all had sex with the plumber?
LIONEL GARNIER
Why? Are you jealous?
Princey climbs over the railing and jumps down to the living room.
ELEA
That thing’s fucking gray.
ROD
Mrs. Nikkelson, we mustn’t judge others for something they can’t control, like skin color, as a person of Puerto Rican descent I should know.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD, ENZO, & LIONEL GARNIER
They’re all sitting on the couch, fully clothed.
ENZO
(Proud)
Well, well, well, Little old Rod Rodriguez pulling the race card on a white person, nice.
ROD
I would just like to point out that I am not proud of what I did, and I do not wish, nor intend to do it again.
ENZO
Until absolutely necessary.
ROD
It won’t be necessary.
ENZO
See, but imagine if it was though.
Lionel Garnier raises his hand in anticipation of a high five.
ROD (CON’T)
Put your hand down.
LIONEL GARNIER
I can’t do that, I’m still on break.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - PRESENT
Elea stares at Rod in absolute perplexity. Rod just blankly smiles back.
ELEA
And I thought my home was weird as shit.
The bathroom door RATTLES furiously, and Elea immediately rushes to it.
HORACE
Is everything alright?
ELEA
Oh, yeah! Just fine! It's her time of the month, you know how it goes!
LIONEL GARNIER
Well, we don’t really, because 4 out of 5 of us are male-
ELEA
Good talk! Mind giving us a moment?
ROD
But of course.
The gang all leave Elea alone.
ENZO
Finley, you’ve got to put some pants on.
FINLEY
But those were my only pair.
ROD
That explains the smell.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
The gang are all putting their clothing articles back on.
ENZO
That was the most utterly humiliating moment of my life. I mean, sex with a plumber? Does that look like a plumber to you?
Princey GRUNTS and turns his back to them.
HORACE
Try thinking of a more logical explanation as to why we were all in a bathroom, half undressed.
ROD
Okay, Princey, back into the dark and spooky chamber you go.
Rod attempts to push Princey forward, but he stands still, unmoved. Rod pushes him harder but to no avail.
ROD (CON’T)
A little help?
Finley helps to push Princey but he doesn’t budge.
FINLEY
It’s like he’s glued to the floor.
Horace and Enzo try to help, but again, Princey doesn’t budge.
ENZO
He’s not even trying.
HORACE
Like he is almost mocking us!
Lionel Garnier finally joins in, but again, no progress.
LIONEL GARNIER
Talk about ‘unstoppable force meets immovable object’.
After pushing with all of their might, Princey (like the little shit he is) steps forward, causing them to topple over onto the floor.
ENZO
Oh, you little shit!
FINLEY
Horace, do you mind getting your head off my ass?
They all look up to notice that Princey is gone.
LIONEL GARNIER
Where the devil did he go?
They all look around in a panic, until Princey, now upstairs, turns visible again.
Princey then walks offscreen to the bathroom.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Princey walks up to the bathroom door, where Elea is sleeping against the wall.
Princey stops and stares at Elea with a blank yet curious look in his eye.
ELEA
(Sleep talking)
It’s John Cena. (To the tune of his song) Bum bow now nowwww. Bum dow now nowwww.
Elea flutters her eyes open, which widen at the sight of Princey.
ELEA (CON’T)
Oh, great, another sleep paralysis demon. Dude, c’mon, can’t a woman get a good night's sleep anymore? …Wait, why can I move?
The bathroom door RATTLES aggressively, and Princey starts scratching on it.
Elea rises and shoves Princey away.
ELEA (CON’T)
Hey, get the fuck away from there!
Princey HISSES at Elea.
ROD (O.S)
Princey!
Rod and Horace run up to them as Rod tries to pull Princey away, who gets aggressive.
ROD (CON’T)
You are in so much trouble!
HORACE
(Hypnotizing)
You will not notice anything out of the ordi-
Elea swats Horace’s hand away.
ELEA
Fuck out of here with that.
HORACE
Ow! Rude.
ELEA
What the shit is that?!
HORACE
(Lying)
Heeeeeeee is an escort.
ROD
(Yelling)
HELP ME!
Enzo and Finley run over and grab onto Princey, still wriggling and squirming.
ROD (CON’T)
Lionel Garnier, help us!
LIONEL GARNIER
But I’m still on break-
ROD
TO HECK WITH YOUR BREAK!
FINLEY
Lionel, your break is over until you help us!
LIONEL GARNIER
Of course, Master Finley.
ENZO
Again, kinda problematic.
FINLEY
Shut up!
ELEA
Okay, you know what? I’m done. I’m just done!
Elea goes to open the door.
ELEA (CON’T)
Bian, we’re going home-
Elea opens the door only to reveal that Bian is no longer human, but a disembodied floating head with her internal organs hanging, and DEMONICALLY SCREECHING.
ELEA (CON’T)
Shit, forgot about that.
Rod, Enzo, Finley, Horace, and Lionel Garnier all SCREAM in fear.
Princey breaks free and flies towards Bian, letting out a FEROCIOUS ROAR, causing the door to SLAM SHUT. We hear immense struggle from behind the door.
ELEA (CON’T)
Babe!
Elea tries to open the door but is held back by Horace and Finley, who rushedly drag her away as she tries to escape their grasp.
ELEA (CON’T)
Let me go you fuck-wads!
FINLEY
Holy shit, you're strong!
CUT TO:
EXT. ROWHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
They all run outside, Finley and Horace push Elea away and lock the door.
ELEA
What the hell’s wrong with you?! I need to get back in there!
Horace and Finley furiously turn around and glare at Elea.
HORACE
What the hell is wrong with us?!
FINLEY
YOU’RE GIRLFRIEND IS A FUCKING- WHATEVER THAT THING IS, AND YOU DIDN’T TELL US?!
ELEA
Well-
ENZO
The image of her organs hanging from her fucking disembodied head is permanently scarred into my brain.
LIONEL GARNIER
To make matters worse her figure’s not even anatomically possible, it’s the ultimate unachievable female body type.
ROD
Every time I blink it sneaks up on me and scares the living nightlights out of me.
Rod blinks many times and SCREAMS each time.
ENZO
Stop blinking!
ROD
I have very dry eyes!
ELEA
Okay, fine, I give in! Do any of you know what a krasue is?!
HORACE
Vaguely.
ROD
Ehhhh.
ENZO
I’ve heard the name.
FINLEY
No.
ELEA
Okay, bullet note version:
- Southeast Asian folklore.
- They’re known as a Ma Lai in ‘Nam.
- Pretty lady by day, horrifying monster by night.
- Scared of pointy things, and fire because it burned her entire body off. (Pause)
- They also feast on flesh, specifically pregnant women for some reason.
HORACE
Finny urinated on a pregnancy once and it came back positive.
FINLEY
As a joke!
LIONEL GARNIER
By the way, I failed to mention this but your results came back negative for testicular cancer.
FINLEY
Why are you telling me now?!
LIONEL GARNIER
I was going to tell you much earlier but I was-
FINLEY, HORACE, ROD, & ENZO
(Annoyed)
On break.
ENZO (CON’T)
We fucking get it, bruv!
ELEA
But! But the good news is that she is on a no-pregnant woman diet, it’s a hippie thing. Something called mee-gan.
ENZO
…Don’t you mean vegan?
ELEA
Uh no, megan, she only eats men, and anything that’s not a woman or female/feminine presenting, which I don’t think you need to worry about.
BEAT.
Elea realizes none of them are female/femme presenting.
ELEA (CON’T)
Shit.
ENZO
That is exactly what we need to worry about!
HORACE
I picked the worst fucking day to look like a man.
FINLEY
Curse my sexy, masculine likeness.
LIONEL GARNIER
Well, she’s not transphobic, that’s one thing. She’ll end our fates but she don’t discriminate.
ROD
Question: seeing as how I’m neither a man nor a woman, nor pregnant, will she kill me as well?
ELEA
Do you consider your appearance female presenting?
ROD
Uh… no?
ELEA
Yeah, you’re basically fucked then.
Princey is suddenly thrown through the doorway, landing on the ground face first.
They look into the house to see Bian at the top of the stairs.
ELEA
Hey, babe! You Look great! Did you lose weight?
Bian SCREECHES DEMONICALLY, and floats down the stairs.
HORACE
SCATTER!
Everyone except Elea starts fleeing into the street SCREAMING as Bian escapes.
Princey gets up and turns around to see Elea, just… staring.
ELEA (CON’T)
The hell are you lookin’ at?
Princey gets up and sits on the steps and just watches the chaos. Elea hesitantly sits down next to him. There’s a bunch of SCREAMING and DEMONIC SCREECHING offscreen.
ELEA (CON’T)
They’ll be fine. She’ll tire herself out soon.
Princey gives her a doubtful side eye, cuz like, bitch, seriously.
ELEA (CON’T)
Oh, don’t give me that look, you got your ass handed to you by her, and if you keep giving me that look she won’t be the only one.
Princey looks away.
ELEA (CON’T)
Y’know, your housemates are really shitty at keeping secrets.
Princey GRUNTS.
ELEA (CON’T)
Alright, alright, I get it, I’m not the best at keeping it swept under the rug. This shit’s a lot harder when it has nothing to do with dead husbands, cuz he’s already dead, fuck can you do about it now?
Bian gangs up on Enzo and Finley. Enzo grabs Finley and uses him as a human shield.
ENZO
Look! A pregnant woman! You wouldn’t want to eat this, would you?!
FINLEY
FUCK OFF, I’M NOT A PREGNANT WOMAN!
Bian SCREECHES and casts a spell on them that makes them go limp and fall to the ground.
ENZO
I can’t feel my face.
FINLEY
I can’t feel my dick.
ELEA
I should probably take care of this.
Elea stands up and rushes over to Bian about to munch on Finley and Enzo.
ELEA (CON’T)
Hey, babe!
Elea thankfully distracts Bian, allowing Horace in the background to use his telekinesis to jerkily roll Finley and Enzo away from them.
ELEA (CON’T)
Look, we need to have a talk. I know you can’t help this, but it’s just a lot of pressure trying to keep from you merking people left and right, which I respect, but it gets to a certain point where suspicions start to rise.
Bian’s facial expressions start to become more human. More… compassionate.
ELEA (CON’T)
I’m getting worried for you. You’re like, one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I just wonder if it’s the same for you, and if you only ever got with me because I let you eat my husband.
HORACE & ROD
(Yelling)
YOU WHAT?!
Lionel Garnier GAGS.
ELEA (TO HORACE AND ROD)
(Yelling)
WE ARE TRYING TO HAVE A MOMENT! (Calm) So, maybe you could hold off on trying to maim and eat my friends?
Bian floats closer and kisses Elea, leaving her smitten.
BIAN
(Monstrous voice)
I never knew I was causing you so much distress.
ELEA
(Bashfully)
Well, I mean, just being a flesh eating monster isn't exactly a walk in the park either. I still love you, low hanging organs and all.
BIAN
(Affectionate)
You’re ridiculous.
ELEA
Hehe, yeah. Oh shit, what time is it? (Yelling to HORACE and ROD) HEY, ASSHOLES! WHAT TIME IS IT?!
Camera pans over to Horace and Lionel Garnier trying to help Finley and Enzo’s limp bodies stand up.
LIONEL GARNIER
Time to get a watch!...Fine, I’ll check.
Lionel Garnier drops Enzo to the ground.
ENZO
Ow! Fuck!
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
Mx. Rodriguez, may I borrow your phone really quickly?
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ELEA, ENZO, & FINLEY|LIVING ROOM
Rod, Horace, and Lionel Garnier try to lure Bian back into the bathroom.
HORACE
That’s it, clever girl.
ROD
(Hushed)
Horace, stop treating her like some animal!
HORACE
(Hushed)
She tried to fucking kill us like some animal!
Camera moves down to show that Elea is sitting in the middle of the couch between Enzo and Finley, who are still paralyzed from the spell.
ELEA
Okay, doin’ an interview. Never done one of these before. Kinda nerve-wracking.
FINLEY
You think doing an interview for a documentary is nerve wracking?!
ELEA
Well, yeah, I’ve never done one before, just like how you’ve never seen a krasue before.
CAMERA MAN (O.S)
So, how would you rate your visit?
ELEA
…Not the worst experience I’ve ever had in my life. Would I do it again? Depends.
Camera moves back up to show a provoked Princey GROWLING at Bian, who HISSES back.
ROD
Princey, no!
HORACE
Dammit, Princey!
Lionel Garnier tries to hold him back.
LIONEL GARNIER
Contain yourself, Princey Fluffernutter!
Princey breaks free and chases Bian into the bathroom. Rod, Horace, and Lionel Garnier run after them, and the door SLAMS.
Camera moves back down.
ENZO
When does this spell wear off? There’s an itch I really need to scratch, and it’s in a really specific, and embarrassing place.
BEAT.
ELEA
I know it’s temporary.
BEAT.
FINLEY
It’s his balls, isn’t it?
ENZO
Fuck off, I’m not telling you!
FINLEY
You didn’t say it wasn’t.
ENZO
If I had any feeling in my fists I’d cause internal bleeding on your outsides. Elea, slap Finley for me.
ELEA
Yeah, okay.
Elea smacks Finley in the face.
FINLEY
Ow!
Rod, Horace, and Lionel Garnier suddenly run out into the hallway as Bian chases them out the bathroom.
The three run down the stairs and all hell breaks loose.
ELEA
Here we go again.
ENZO
Wait, we can’t move!
Bian suddenly charges for the camera, which falls and cracks, only catching audio of the ensuing chaos.
END CREDITS.
Notes:
Sorry this episode took longer than usual to get out, next episode will come out sooner tho bc it’s really silly :3
Chapter 7: 2x07: Beach Day
Summary:
The gang all go to the beach to cool off from the heat. Finley makes a shocking self discovery. Rod and Enzo dig a hole in the sand. Also Sean and Charmaine are in this yayyyyyy.
Notes:
Yeah I uh
I've been looking forward to this episode a lot.
So I wrote 33 pages within 3 days.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The Beach
EXT. ROWHOUSE - EARLY EVENING
Shot of the rowhouse. The sun is about to set.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
We see Finley and Enzo laying on the couch in smaller clothes, sweating and panting like dogs. Horace sits on the chair in his normal clothes, reading the Song of Achilles probably, like a nerd. Fans around the house WHIR on high.
ENZO
(Tongue out)
Bwuv, thtop panting in my fath, not only ith your bweath weal thucking rank, it’s making my fath melt like a lax thigure that’th been plathed in a tholcano.
FINLEY
(Tongue out)
Thorgith me thor not lanting to get heatthwoke.
HORACE
Both of you sound completely ridiculous, and in more ways than one. It’s not even that hot outside.
ENZO
Thayth you, you’we undead.
Lionel Garnier walks in through the door, absolutely drenched in sweat, carrying SHOPPING BAGS. Like, you can see his PIT STAINS it’s that bad.
LIONEL GARNIER
The heat is absolutely atrocious outside.
FINLEY
What’th in the bagth?
LIONEL GARNIER
Well, it used to be ice cream, now it’s just sugar soup.
ENZO
Not the ithe cleam!
FINLEY
(Weakened)
Nooooooo!
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD|ROD’S ROOM - INTERCUT
Rod is sitting at their desk.
ROD
For the past week we have been going through a massive heat wave, and it’s not even June. It’s bringing down morale a little bit. My left hand has been sweating like crazy, look.
Rod wipes their hand with a RAG, which proves unsuccessful as it quickly becomes sweaty again.
ROD (CON’T)
Ugh.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Finley gets an idea.
FINLEY
I have an idea.
ENZO
What?
FINLEY
(Anticipation)
…Beach day.
ENZO
(Intrigue)
Beach day?
FINLEY
Beach day!
They rise from the couch.
ENZO
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Finley, you are a genius!
FINLEY
Fuck yeah!
ENZO
I’m gonna go change!
Enzo runs upstairs.
ENZO (CON’T)
Beach day!
ROD (O.S)
Ooh, beach day!
Lionel Garnier tosses the SHOPPING BAGS behind him and runs upstairs as well, while Finley strips down behind the couch.
FINLEY
C’mon Horace, beach day!
HORACE
(Dismissive)
In a minute, I need to finish this chapter.
An offscreen Finley tosses his UNDERWEAR which lands onto Horace’s head.
Horace takes it off and looks at it with bewilderment, then looks to the side and his eyes immediately widen. He quickly hides his face in his book.
ROLL CREDITS.
INT. ENZO’S CAR - EVENING
The gang are in Enzo’s car with Finley driving. They’re all singing to In the Summer Time by Mungo Jerry.
FINLEY, HORACE, ENZO, ROD & LIONEL GARNIER
(Singing)
In the summertime, when the weather is high, you can stretch right up and touch the sky. When the weather’s fine, you got women, you got women on your mind! Have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find!
LIONEL GARNIER
Actually, you shouldn’t drive under the influence.
FINLEY
Can you drive under the influence of DEEZ NUTS?!
ENZO & ROD
OHHHHHHHHHHH!
LIONEL GARNIER
No, I don’t think so.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT - LATER
The gang, all in color coded button downs and swim shorts, get out of the car as Lionel Garnier pays for their parking spot at a parking meter.
Finley: his iconic red
Horace: Lilac
Rod: The iconic Our Flag Means Death oranges shirt teehee
Enzo: Teal
Lionel Garnier: Green
FINLEY
Here we are! Hampton Beach!
ROD
Thanks again for lending us your Hawaiian shirts, Finley!
ENZO
Yeah but like… five of these, but you have one shirt, one pair of shorts, one pair of socks and shoes, and one pair of underwear to your name? And you only wear that one button down shirt?
FINLEY
Sure do, and I have it slightly unbuttoned to woo the chicks. Actually, everyone unbutton down to the second button, come on.
Horace, Rod, and Enzo unbutton their shirts.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Yeahhhhh that’s what I’m talking about! Show off those manly chests!
ROD
What about manly binder?
FINLEY
Yes! You know what? My new favorite word today is yes. Why? Because ‘yes’ is the gateway to awesomeness. Literally the first rule of improv! Of course there’s the subject of consent and stuff, no means no and all that. Just wanted to make that clear if anyone’s listening.
ROD
Si.
LIONEL GARNIER
Definitely.
HORACE
Of course.
ENZO
Probably a good thing to point out so you won’t get canceled.
FINLEY
Okay! Are we gonna be crazy? Yes. Are we gonna be sexy? Yes! Most importantly, are we gonna have fun? Fuck. Yes.
ENZO
I feel slightly ridiculous in these shirts.
FINLEY
Yes, you do!
HORACE
Are we allowed to unbutton them completely?
FINLEY
Well, yes, but you probably won’t be allowed into shops and stuff.
HORACE
Fine, but they don’t know what they are missing out on.
FINLEY
You too Lionel, c’mon!
LIONEL GARNIER
I’d rather not, I find the idea rather gauche. I prefer to keep things professional.
FINLEY
Hey man, this is beach day. We’re here to make things as unprofessional as fucking possible, and remember, ‘yes’ is the gateway to awesomeness. Alright, first stop, arcade!
ENZO
(Avoidant)
Actually, I’m just gonna head straight to the beach.
ROD
Si, me too.
LIONEL GARNIER
As will I, can’t exactly have a beach day without a beach.
FINLEY
Alright, guess we’ll meet you guys later. Follow me, Horace, as I’m about to show you the wonders of the boardwalk!
HORACE
(Surprised)
Me?
FINLEY
Yeah, come on!
Finley grabs Horace’s hand and drags him away. Horace gives a quick eager look to the gang staying behind.
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVIEW WITH ENZO, ROD, & LIONEL GARNIER|BEACH - INTERCUT
They stand by the beach entrance.
ENZO
We’re not going with them because this place is basically a bootleg version of Myrtle Beach.
ROD
Si, and this place is really sketchy.
BEGIN MONTAGE
Quick montage of the things Rod’s talking about.
ROD (O.S)
There is a concerning amount of intimate pleasurables, far right wing propaganda, and marketable hermit crabs that people can just buy.
END MONTAGE
ENZO
Speaking of concerning amount of intimate pleasurables, far-right wing clothing, and marketable hermit crabs, there’s a shit load of people here, and it reeks of weed.
LIONEL GARNIER
Perhaps because it’s Memorial Day Weekend. We’re also parked near a cannabis shop.
BEAT.
ENZO
Fucking Memorial Day?! Fucking- of all days!
ROD
Oh, I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of physical contact I’ll probably have to endure.
CUT TO:
EXT. STRIP SIDEWALK - MEANWHILE
Finley and Horace go through a crowded sidewalk along the strip.
Finley turns his head around to the camera.
FINLEY
Another day at the beach.
Horace turns his head after Finley.
HORACE
And it reeks of skunk.
CUT TO:
INT. GIFT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
Finley and Horace walk in.
FINLEY
Let’s wait in here and see what looks interesting. Shopping spree? Yes.
Finley turns around to see Horace holding up a SHIRT WITH THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.
HORACE
Uhhhhhh, why does this shirt have the confederate flag on it?
FINLEY
Um…
HORACE
And who the hell is Brandon?
FINLEY
It’s a political thing, no one really knows what it means.
HORACE
Oh, gross.
Finley grabs the SHIRT out of Horace’s hands then puts it back on the rack and drags Horace out.
FINLEY
Okay, spree’s over.
CUT TO:
INT. ARCADE: FIRST FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER
Finley and Horace walk into the loud arcade, filled with operating games.
FINLEY
Finally, we’re here. The second floor is where it gets good!
Finley and Horace go to the stairs, and Horace stops at the foot to take in the absolute insanity of the gigantic second floor.
HORACE
(Awe)
Well, fuck me with a morning star and call me the sun.
CUT TO:
INT. ARCADE: SECOND FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Horace goes down the stairs, and meets Finley getting them TOKEN CARDS.
Finley gives Horace a TOKEN CARD.
FINLEY
You, me, Jurassic Park POV shooter game.
Finley mimics shooting a machine gun, then he turns his head to the other direction.
FINLEY (CON’T)
(Frustrated)
Aw, what?!
Camera whip pans to the Jurassic park game box being occupied.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Ugh, squatters.
HORACE
How about those pin balls and pac-people games all the way over there?
FINLEY
Yes! Awesome idea. C’mon.
Finley grabs his hand again (okay is this even subtle anymore) and drags Horace away.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE|RETRO GAMES AREA - CONTINUOUS
Horace stands in front of the camera, staring at his hand with a twinkle in his eyes as Finley aggressively plays pinball in the background.
HORACE
(Mystified)
He grabbed and held my hand three times. He did it so gentle and tenderly.
Finley slams his hand against the side of the machine.
FINLEY
(Angry)
DAMMIT!
SEAN (O.S)
C’mon, c’mon, c’moooon.
Camera pans over to SEAN RINALDI, a man you can tell is from New York, absolutely fumbling a game of pinball.
SEAN (CON’T)
Yeeees! No, NO! (Slams the side of the machine) DAMMIT!
Horace walks over curiously. Sean looks at him.
SEAN (CON’T)
What?
HORACE
You seem to be struggling. Perhaps in a pickle even.
SEAN
Yeah, no shit. Every time I pull the flipper and shoot the ball it goes straight down, and completely misses the bumpers, I can barely get 10 seconds in without losing.
Sean aggressively pulls the lever back and releases it, and he misses the ball.
HORACE
I see the problem here. You’re being too aggressive with it.
Horace gently pulls the lever back.
HORACE (CON’T)
You mustn't yank on it, just have a grasp on it, and be slow. That is how you get the best results.
Horace releases the lever.
Sean plays and wins the pinball game.
SEAN
Holy shit! You’re really good at this!
HORACE
Let’s just say that I’ve had experience with ‘flippers’.
Back to Finley, who just won a game of pinball.
FINLEY
(Celebrating)
Yes! New high score! Horace, did you see that? Horace?
Finley looks over to see Sean and Horace shaking hands.
SEAN
Name’s Sean Rinaldi.
HORACE
Horace Balassa.
The camera pans back to Finley, confused on what he’s seeing. He walks over.
FINLEY
Hey, Horace, who’s your new friend?
HORACE
Ah, Finny! I’m so glad you’re here! This is Sean!
SEAN
Hey, how ya doin’?
HORACE
Finny, Sean. Sean, Finny.
SEAN
Never heard that name, is it Finnish?
BEAT.
Sean LAUGHS whole heartedly.
SEAN (CON’T)
Nah, I’m just kidding. Is that like your full name? Or…
FINLEY
Uh, no it’s Finley, Finley Jones, at your service, he just calls me Finny. It’s his nickname for me.
SEAN
Aw, well, I’m happy for you guys, it’s always nice to witness little things like these.
FINLEY
…Yeah.
HORACE
Could we perhaps take you out for a drink?
SEAN
Yeah I’d love to!
HORACE
Sounds wonderful.
Camera zooms in on Finley’s face, not exactly thrilled about the situation.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - MEANWHILE
Lionel Garnier simply sits on the beach towel on his knees while Rod plays in the sand and Enzo is digging a hole, like a foot deep probably.
ROD
Enzo, could you toss me some wet sand?
ENZO
Yeah, hold on one sec.
Enzo throws some sand behind him, which gets on Lionel Garnier. He SPUTTERS and SPITS it out.
LIONEL GARNIER
Eugh, it got in my mouth.
ENZO (O.S)
Sorry Lionel Garnier!
LIONEL GARNIER (TO ROD)
Mx. Rodriguez, why don’t you help Mr. Abebe with his diablerie?
Rod leans over to see what Enzo’s doing.
ROD
What are you doing?
ENZO
Digging a giant hole.
ROD
What are you going to do with a giant hole?
Enzo briefly straightens up.
ENZO
I don’t know, I didn’t think that far ahead.
ROD
Can I help?
ENZO
I feel like a dumbass for saying this, but yes you can.
Rod gets up, hops in the hole and starts tossing sand behind them, which gets on an unphased Lionel Garnier.
CUT TO:
INT. BEACH RESTAURANT - MEANWHILE
Sean, Horace, and Finley sit at a table in a crowded restaurant. Horace is intrigued by Sean’s… Seaniness.
HORACE
So, you say you are from New York?
SEAN
Yup, born and raised, all the way from Staten Island, came up here for vacation. The original plan was to go to Myrtle Beach, but, uh, y’know with all the touristy hoohah and there being no available flights, this was the second best option.
HORACE
Interesting.
WAITER comes by with their drinks on a tray.
WAITER
Okay, one water, one Long Island iced tea, and one virgin bloody Mary.
FINLEY
Thanks.
Waiter walks away.
SEAN
Y’know, I think that you guys should come by and visit Staten Island some time, along with those other little guys you mentioned, Rodney, Gonzo, Lionel Gardener. I can even show ya around the neighborhood!
FINLEY
But we just met.
SEAN
We’ll have known each other for longer by then. Hey, Horace, buddy, I got a good friend back home named Laz. I think you guys would get along. Actually, just a wild guess, but you two know each other?
HORACE
Well that name may or may not ring a bell, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
SEAN
So, old Fin here’s not much of a talker huh? Nothing wrong with that, I get that certain people may need to recharge their system from time to time.
FINLEY
Um-
HORACE
Actually, quite the contrary, he could talk a mile a minute, although this is quite uncharacteristic of you, Finny. Are doing alright? Are you getting a heatstroke?
FINLEY
What? No- yes, yes, I’m fine-
Horace grabs Finley’s GLASS OF WATER and shoves it into his mouth, making him swallow a bunch of it and spill most of it.
HORACE
Here, drink this.
FINLEY
(Coughing)
Aw, that went down the wrong pipe.
SEAN
It’s sweet how much you guys care for each other.
Sean takes a gulp from his GLASS OF LONG ISLAND ICED TEA then spits it out in disgust.
SEAN (CON’T)
AH! What the hell?! This is Tennessee Long Island Iced Tea!
Horace and Finley glance at each other.
HORACE
And the difference is…
SEAN
The difference is that the stuff from taint-essee tastes like dogshit! I’m sorry, I know the waiters are just doing their job, but I can’t drink this. Let’s get outta here, it’s on me.
Sean slams his CREDIT CARD down on the table, then gets up from the table and walks away.
HORACE
(Whispering)
I’m beginning to suspect he may have suffered from a previous case of the brain scramblies.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS LATER
The hole is now deeper, and Lionel Garnier is covered in sand.
ROD (O.S)
I’m just going to make it a little wider so it’ll be easier to dig.
ENZO (O.S)
Yeah, good idea.
A LIFEGUARD walks up to them in an authoritative manner.
LIFEGUARD (TO ENZO & ROD)
Excuse me?
Enzo and Rod pop their heads out from the hole.
ROD
Is something the matter?
ENZO
(Snarky)
Can’t you see we’re busy?
LIFEGUARD
You’re gonna have to climb out of that hole and bury it, it’s a hazard.
ENZO
Just walk around it.
LIFEGUARD
State doesn’t allow holes deeper than up to the knees.
ENZO
That’s bullshit.
The Lifeguard gets down on a knee and holds out a hand to help them up.
LIFEGUARD
Come on.
Rod seemingly holds out their hand.
ENZO
Rod, don’t you dare-
ROD
(Hypnotizing)
Let us dig this whole as deep as we want, and do not let anyone else try and stop us.
The Lifeguard, now hypnotized, stands up.
LIFEGUARD
Apologies for the inconvenience, I’ll get out of your hair. You folks stay safe now.
ROD
We will!
Enzo looks at Rod in amazement.
ENZO
Holy shit.
ROD
(Sly)
I like to have some hazardous fun too once in a while.
ENZO
Yeah, cool, less talking, more digging.
ROD
Right!
Enzo and Rod go back to digging.
LIONEL GARNIER
Don’t you crazy kids try anything provocative now, it’s already warm and sticky out as it is. Or do, I’m not your mum.
BEAT.
Enzo looks up.
ENZO
(Suspicious)
What do you mean by that?
BEAT.
Lionel Garnier side-eyes him. I know what you are.
Weird. Enzo goes back to digging.
CUT TO:
EXT. STRIP - MEANWHILE
Sean, Horace, and Finley walk along the strip. Finley has a SNAPPLE BOTTLE in his hand.
HORACE
So the trick is to slightly unbutton it.
Sean slightly unbuttons his shirt, showing off his chest.
SEAN
Like this?
HORACE
(Into it)
Exactly like that!
Finley chugs his SNAPPLE BOTTLE like a beer bottle.
CHARMAINE RINALDI, Sean’s equally New York-ian wife, pops out from a store, carrying a bunch of shopping bags.
SEAN
Oh, hey, baby!
CHARMAINE
Sean! There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you! I was starting to think you hopped into those hippie vans with all the marijuanas. Who are these nice lookin’ fellas?
SEAN
These are some locals showing me around, Horace and Finley.
HORACE
Pleasure meeting you.
FINLEY
Um, h-hi. Hi.
CHARMAINE
Those are some lovely New Hampshire accents.
SEAN
Charmaine, you can’t say that anymore.
CHARMAINE
Oh, hush, people say we have thick New York accents all the time! It’s fine! Well, are you gonna introduce me or not?
SEAN
Oh, right! Guys, this is Charmaine, my amazing wife!
BEAT.
HORACE
(Shock)
Your wife?
SEAN
Yup! Apple of my eye, love of my life!
Sean kisses her cheek.
CHARMAINE
(Flattered)
Oh, stop it Sean!
Camera shows Horace’s face just absolutely loving this situation right now (lie).
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE AND FINLEY - INTERCUT
Horace is all riled up while Finley just stares at Horace, maybe not falling in love with her, we don’t know.
HORACE
(Angry)
HE NEVER SAID HE HAD A WIFE!
FINLEY
It’s kind of ironic, coming from you.
HORACE
No, you don’t get it! If I fuck one spouse, the other one will try to fucking kill me! I am speaking from WAY too much experience! And it’s never the cheating spouse, they had just as much blame as me! I just- I need a minute.
Horace steps away from the camera, leaving Finley to unpack some shit.
FINLEY
What is he doing to me?! It’s like some sort of brain worm that’s burrowed itself in and laid a bunch of its eggs.
Finley chugs the rest of his Snapple.
FINLEY (CON’T) (TO CAMERA)
Got anymore Snapple?
CUT TO:
EXT. STRIP - CONTINUOUS
Charmaine shows Sean a REALLY UGLY SHIRT.
CHARMAINE
Here, put this on.
SEAN
What? Now?
CHARMAINE
Oh, don’t be so dramatic, it’ll look good on you!
Camera pans to Horace and Finley like a few feet away from them.
HORACE (TO FINLEY)
Maybe if I fucked both of them at the same time, neither one would have the urge to try and kill me. Problem is, they can’t seem to get enough of each other.
Sean kisses Charmaine on the cheek and gets overly affectionate with her.
CHARMAINE
(Giggling)
Sean, knock it off!
SEAN
Hey, you embarrass me, I embarrass you, them's the rules.
FINLEY
Maybe just talk to her? Butter her up a bit? Worked with Sean.
HORACE
Right, but what do middle aged women from New York even talk about?
BEAT.
FINLEY
Brunch and Kewpie porcelain babies-
HORACE
Brunch and Kewpie porcelain babies, of course! Charmaine, I just heard about this new place down the strip that serves brunch, and I was wondering if you and I could chat, eat avocado toast, and catch up on the new episode of Love It or List It from the Home & Garden Television Channel!
CHARMAINE
Oooh! That sounds fun!
SEAN
It’s 8pm, what kinda place serves brunch that late?
FINLEY
This is New Hampshire, don’t question it.
CHARMAINE
You mind me going for a quick pick me up, sugar pie?
SEAN
Be my guest, leaves Finley and I a bit more guy time, amiright?
Sean puts his arm around Finley.
CHARMAINE
You’ve had guy time all night.
SEAN
I’m a self indulgent man, what can I say?
CHARMAINE
Oh, Horace, baby, do ya mind holding some of these bags for me?
HORACE
(Gentlemanly)
Why, I’d love to.
Charmaine and Horace walk away from the boys.
SEAN
Why don’t we hit it up at that fried dough place?
FINLEY
(Uncomfortable)
…Sure.
SEAN
It’s down there right? Or is it down there?
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - MEANWHILE
Lionel Garnier sits on the towel, sand piled on him up to the chin .
LIONEL GARNIER (TO CAMERA)
They’ve been at this for hours.
ROD (O.S)
(Echoey)
Uh, Enzo? I think we dug a little too deep.
ENZO (O.S)
(Echoey)
No we haven’t, what makes you say that?
The camera slowly angles itself to show that they’ve dug really, really deep like holy shit, they’re basically specks. Rod looks up from the hole.
ROD
Well, what do you think?
Enzo looks up from the hole, then shrugs it off and goes back to digging. He then finds something.
ENZO
The hell?
ROD
What?
ENZO
I think I found something.
Enzo dusts it off, only to reveal that it’s an old SIREN SKELETON.
ENZO (CON’T)
(Fearful)
Rod?
ROD
(Also fearful)
Si?
ENZO
What the fuck did I just dig up?
ROD
…I think it’s the skeletal remains of a siren.
ENZO
A what?
Their surroundings start to RUMBLE and SHAKE as sand falls into the hole.
ROD
Ah!
ENZO
NO! NO!
Rod grabs Enzo by the arms and flies them up to the top.
Rod sets Enzo down and falls back, heavily breathing. Rod looks over to Enzo, and the camera zooms out to show Enzo with one of the SIREN SKELETON’s bones in his mouth like a dog.
ROD
WHY IS ONE OF THE BONES IN YOUR MOUTH?!
Enzo immediately spits the BONE out of his mouth.
ENZO
AGH! I’M SORRY! I COULDN’T HELP IT!
ROD
We have to rebury this now!
Enzo and Rod frantically take the sand from Lionel Garnier and start reburying the hole.
CUT TO:
EXT. BENCH AT THE SIDE WALK - MEANWHILE
Finley sits at a bench, looking out onto the beach, contemplatively.
FINLEY (V.O)
So, it’s been a weird day.
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY - INTERCUT
Finley is unsure.
FINLEY
I don’t know if it’s something I ate or what, but… I’ve just been feeling all… nyehhh, inside.
Finley rubs his temples.
FINLEY (CON’T)
I can’t stop fidgeting and… looking, and-... fuck! FUCK! I’m sor- I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Look, I’m just having a day.
CUT TO:
EXT. BENCH AT THE SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
Sean comes back with two FRIED DOUGH PLATES.
SEAN
Ayy! I didn’t know which one you wanted, so I got one with garlic & butter, and one with chocolate drizzle. Which one do you prefer?
Finley looks up at Sean with a blank stare.
BEAT.
SEAN (CON’T)
Eh, what the hell? I’ll just eat them both.
Sean sits down next to Finley, then takes a bite out of one of the FRIED DOUGHS.
SEAN (CON’T)
(Stuffed mouth)
Oh my god. I feel like I died and got reborn, because holy fuck, this is bomb.
FINLEY
So, Sean. You and Charmaine are in love, yeah?
SEAN
Mhm. You’re not tryna bang my wife, are you?
FINLEY
N-no! No! Of course not!
SEAN
(Comradery)
Ahhh, I’m just fucking with you!
FINLEY
So, how did you know you and Charmaine were in love?
SEAN
Well… hm. I guess you just sorta have those moments where you’re like, ‘wow. I can’t believe I get to exist next to you’. I just appreciate all the little things, even her nagging sometimes. Don’t tell her I said that. This is unrelated but I think you and Horace are sweet together. You’re lucky to have each other.
FINLEY
(Realization)
Yeah, I guess.
Finley turns his head and notices a LOST CHILD, about 10 years, wandering around in a panic all alone, crying. His face is blurred out.
FINLEY (CON’T)
(Concerned)
Sean, are you seeing this?
SEAN
Sorry, what?
Finley rushes over to the kid.
FINLEY
Hey, kid! Is everything alright?
LOST CHILD
Please don’t hurt me!
FINLEY
No, no, I’m here to help, where are your parents?
LOST CHILD
I don’t know! It was just me and my dad, there’s just so many people here, and I guess I got swept up and now I lost track of him and-
FINLEY
Hey, hey, it’s okay, just tell me your name, what he looks like, and we’ll help you find him.
LOST CHILD/MIKE
My name’s Mike Tuft, and my dad’s tall and has brown curly hair. He’s wearing a pink flower shirt.
FINLEY
Okay, tall, brown curly hair, pink flower shirt. Sean, make sure Mike doesn't leave your sight, I’m gonna go look for his dad.
SEAN
On it.
FINLEY
Okay, come on.
Finley rushes off.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
Charmaine and Horace are walking back as Charmaine talks a less than pleased Horace’s ear off.
CHARMAINE
And then Lindsay said she’ll list it, but Jacob went behind her back and said love it anyway, even though they have no budget for that dump of a house!
HORACE
(Disinterest)
Wow, I cannot believe he did that.
CHARMAINE
I know! Men like that just piss me off, I swear.
Finley, Mike and Sean meet up with them.
FINLEY
Hey.
CHARMAINE
What’s going on here?
SEAN
Kid lost his dad in a crowd.
FINLEY
Have either of you seen a man with brown curly hair and a pink flower shirt?
CHARMAINE
No, I don’t think we did.
HORACE
(Pointing)
What about him?
Horace points to the side and the camera pans over to MIKE’S DAD, who’s obviously in distress, looking for his son amongst the sea of tourists.
MIKE
That’s my dad!
Finley runs over to Mike’s Dad.
FINLEY (TO MIKE’S DAD)
Excuse me, are you Mike Tuft’s dad?
MIKE’S DAD
Y-yes, why?
Mike comes running towards them.
MIKE
(Teary eyed)
Dad!
MIKE’S DAD
Mike!
They embrace in a tight hug.
MIKE’S DAD (CON’T)
Son, I’m sorry, I never meant to lose you in that crowd! I love you!
MIKE
I love you too, dad.
Mike’s Dad faces Finley.
MIKE’S DAD (TO FINLEY)
(Gratitude)
Thank you for finding my son.
FINLEY
I’m just happy to help.
Mike and his dad walk off.
SEAN
Charmaine, I changed my mind, I want kids.
Camera zooms in on Horace with the biggest heart eyes you’ve ever seen. Finley tries his absolute, damned hardest not to look back.
CUT TO:
Far away shot of Sean and Charmaine giving their farewells to Horace and Finley.
FINLEY (V.O)
You know what? Today didn’t really go as planned.
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY
FINLEY
But I think I’m… okay with that.
CUT TO:
Sean and Charmaine profusely making out.
FINLEY (V.O)
Cuz, y’know…
Behind shot of Finley and Horace walking on the sidewalk close together, their hands so close to each other’s they could just…
FINLEY (V.O)
It’s about the little things.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - LATER
Rod and Enzo are laying on the ground in exhaustion, while Lionel Garnier sits on the towel, not having moved an inch.
Horace and Finley walk up to them.
HORACE
Finally, we found you.
ROD
We’re the only ones here.
ENZO
Everyone else has gone home.
HORACE
What the bloody hell have you three been up to?
LIONEL GARNIER
(Snarky)
Nothing of interest, unfortunately.
Finley goes up to the covered up sand patch and crouches down to touch it.
FINLEY
What’s up with this patch of sand?
Rod and Enzo sit up in panic.
ENZO
(Panic)
DON’T TOUCH THAT!
ROD
(Panic)
DIG THAT BACK UP AND WE’RE ALL DEAD!
FINLEY
Okay! Sheesh! Did your brains get waterlogged or something?
ENZO
We found a siren skeleton.
ROD
No one must know about this.
FINLEY
…Okay.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS LATER
We get a shot of a waxing moon, then the camera pans down to show a far behind shot of Finley, Enzo, Lionel Garnier, Rod, and Horace (in that exact order from left to right) sitting on the towel, looking up into the starry night sky.
ENZO
It’s nights like these that make you forget about the world.
LIONEL GARNIER.
It almost makes you feel like a grain of a grain of sand in the universe.
ROD
Si, because there are billions and billions of them, but every single one of them is unique.
HORACE
I know everyone else is thinking this, but the stars look absolutely pulchritudinous out tonight.
ENZO
And that means…
HORACE
(Tired)
It means beautiful.
Camera pans over to Finley on the opposite side, gazing at Horace in a painfully yearning demeanor, fidgeting with his dog tag.
FINLEY
(Gay yearning)
Yeah. They really do.
They all do their fair share of gazing for the moment.
Enzo starts unbuttoning and taking off his shirt, then stands up.
HORACE
What are you doing?
ENZO
I didn’t come all the way here just to not go swimming in the ocean. You guys coming with?
Rod and Horace look at each other and come to a silent agreement, then look back up at Enzo.
ROD
Si!
HORACE
Yes.
ENZO
Y’know that word is kinda growing on me.
Enzo runs to the water as Rod and Horace take off their shirts (tits and binder exposed to the world ooh) and run after them, all HOOTIN AND HOLLERIN.
Lionel Garnier stands up and starts unbuttoning his shirt as well, chasing after them.
LIONEL GARNIER
Wait for me!
Finley stays behind and watches them all get into the water, splashing each other and having fun.
Finley SIGHS. Then he unbuttons his shirt and takes it off and jogs over to them.
CUT TO:
EXT. SHORELINE - CONTINUOUS
Improv of them all splashing and swimming in the water and having fun. Wouldn't It Be Nice by the Beach boys plays over the clip.
END CREDITS
END CREDIT SCENE
INT. ENZO’S CAR - NIGHT
Enzo, Horace, and Rod are all asleep in the backseat, while Lionel Garnier drives and Finley looks out from the passenger seat. All You Need Is Love by the Beatles plays on the radio.
Enzo and Rod snooze peacefully, resting on Horace while he SNORES.
LIONEL GARNIER
People typically drive five miles, or the correct version, 'eight kilometers', over the speed limit to help with ‘traffic flow’ but I prefer to go the normal speed limit. Those animals have to learn somehow. Although they always end up tailgating me and yelling rather unmentionable obscenities at me.
FINLEY
Hey, Lionel?
LIONEL GARNIER
Yes, master Finley?
FINLEY
Say I was different from who you think I am now. Would you treat me differently? Not like, completely different, like the opposite, but if I gained a different… pers- perpec-
LIONEL GARNIER
Perspective?
FINLEY
Perspective, yeah.
LIONEL GARNIER
Of course not. You’re still the same Finley I’ve raised all those years. I’ve seen you grow into the man you are today. Change is inevitable when you grow. Why do you ask?
FINLEY
Just wondering.
Finley looks at Horace sleeping through the rear view mirror like he’s the most pulchritudinous thing he’s ever seen.
END CREDITS.
Notes:
Next episode, the gang go to the Unholy Masquerade! Enemies will be made, songs will be sung, and a familiar face will make a surprise appearance, and not a very good one at that!
Chapter 8: 2x08: The Unholy Masquerade
Summary:
Rod and Horace are invited to the Unholy Masquerade as Guests of Honor to sing and bring along the rest. Rod runs into a familiar face. Lionel Garnier loses track of Princey Fluffernutter. Finley debates whether or not to tell Horace how he feels about him.
Chapter Text
The Unholy Masquerade
EXT. ROW HOUSE - EVENING
Shot of the Rowhouse. The sun is setting, making the sky a nice pink.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Finley lays on the couch in his jammies, tucked in his blanket. He’s scrolling through his texts with Horace, which are nonsensical, and mostly consist of Finley’s texts saying, “lol”.
Finley smiles at them fondly.
FINLEY (V.O)
(Tired)
Today is June the fourth. I think. I woke up around eight pm?
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY - INTERCUT
Finley sits on the couch, clearly focused on something else.
FINLEY
Um. I’ve been thinking a lot for the past few weeks. Probably the most I’ve ever done in one sitting before.
Montage of Finley in various poses on the couch in deep thought.
FINLEY (V.O)
I’ve made some discoveries about myself that I didn’t think were actually possible, but turned out to be true.
End montage.
FINLEY
It’s a rough journey, but I think I have the confidence to say that I am-
An offscreen Rod SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. A YELL and a LOUD THUD come from Enzo’s room, and both Enzo and Horace run out of their rooms in their pajamas, and run down the stairs.
HORACE
What’s happened?!
ENZO
We heard screaming!
The camera zooms out to show Rod (in their nightgown and nightcap) holding an INVITATION LETTER.
ROD
(Excitement)
WE GOT INVITED TO THE UNHOLY MASQUERADE!
Horace GASPS with amazement.
ENZO
(Shock)
The Unholy Masquerade?!
ROD
Not only that, Horace and I have been asked to perform a comeback song as the iconic Roaring 20’s duo, Hot Rodney and Mr/Miss H., as the official guests of honor!
HORACE
We were?!
ROD
They want us to perform as a send off at the end!
HORACE
I can’t believe this!
BEAT.
Horace and Rod start SQUEALING, then hug and LAUGH in celebration at this news.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD & HORACE - INTERCUT
Rod and Horace are absolutely buzzing with excitement.
ROD
Go on and tell them!
HORACE
No, you do it, I don’t want to ruin the surprise!
ROD
Okay, I will!
Montage of photos from the 1920’s showing Rod and a Horace in drag performing in speakeasy’s on stage, singing.
ROD (V.O)
It was the 1920’s, when the economy wasn’t in as much shambles, Horace and I decided to go into show business and cover songs as our alter egos, The Hot Rodney and Mr/Miss H!
HORACE (V.O)
I’d often alternate to keep a low profile, everyone thought I was two different people.
ROD (V.O)
We’d perform for humans and vampires alike in speakeasies.
Show photos of them singing alongside famous artists from the era, such as Louis Armstrong, The Wolverines, Lydia Mendoza, etc.
HORACE (V.O)
We were a smash hit, booking after booking, gig after gig, collaboration after collaboration! We were often considered better than the O.G’s!
End Montage.
ROD
We even briefly formed a band with some other vampire performers!
HORACE
Although we prefer not to speak of that era.
ROD
I wonder why we ever stopped doing gigs.
HORACE
That is in the past, right now is the present and the future!
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
ENZO
(Less than pleased)
You’ve been invited to that classist fuck fest?!
HORACE
Oh, Enzo, don’t tell me you’re jealous just because werewolves are never invited to the Unholy Masquerade.
ENZO
Why the shit should I be jealous?
ROD
Well even if you were, we’re happy to let you know that you, Finley, and Lionel Garnier will be coming as plus ones!
HORACE
I don’t know if people would react well to vampires bringing werewolves, aka their #1 enemies, and an arguably human to a non-werewolf/human friendly environment.
ROD
We have guests of honor privilege, it will be fine!
ENZO
Fuck that and kiss it goodnight, I’m coming to stick it to the man, and so is Finley!
FINLEY
Sorry, but what is a Holy Masquerade? And what the hell do I have to do with all of this?
Horace saunters over to Finley, which lowkey intimidates him.
HORACE
To put it simply, it is a gathering that started out in Wellington, New Zealand for cryptids of many kind-
ENZO
Except werewolves!
HORACE
Uh-huh, for cryptids of many kinds to get together in fine face wear, but over the years it has expanded to many different countries, and is considered one of the most exquisite and established events among all monster societies!
ENZO
Except werewolves, because it is nothing but a fascist conglomerate!
HORACE
Enzo. Look at me. Keep this up, and I will rupture a vein that will either be mine, or yours.
ENZO
Make me!
Lionel Garnier climbs down the ladder in his pajamas.
LIONEL GARNIER
Right, what’s all this then? I heard screams.
HORACE
Lionel Garnier, go back upstairs and get ready, for as of tomorrow we are headed off to the Unholy Masquerade!
LIONEL GARNIER
Of course, will it be a black tie event?
ROD
It will be an everything event!
LIONEL GARNIER
So, that’s a yes?
ROD
…Si, that is a yes.
Lionel Garnier goes back into the attic.
HORACE
I can’t wait to see what you boys wear for the occasion. Boop.
Horace boops a dazed Finley’s nose, and goes back upstairs. Finley’s eyes follow him all the way up, then look down. Shit.
ROLL CREDITS.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Horace and Rod pace around the hallway through door to door, prepping for the Masquerade.
ROD
Horace, have you seen my sunglasses and fake beard?
HORACE
That old thing has probably found its way to a rats nest by now. Have you misplaced my eyeliner?
ROD
Check the bathroom cabinet, I think all our makeup is in there, if not, ask Enzo to borrow some.
ENZO (O.S)
(Muffled)
None of you are borrowing ANY of my shit!
ROD
Never mind!
Lionel Garnier drags Princey Fluffernutter to the bathroom with a leash, as Princey Fluffernutter tries to resist and keeps GROWLING and HISSING.
LIONEL GARNIER
Come on Princey, it’ll be over before you even know it.
HORACE
Make sure to use the nice ribbons on Princey, Lionel Garnier, it’s been centuries since he’s been out of the vicinity of this house, he’s tragically overdue on some socializing.
Enzo opens his door in his usual clothing.
ENZO
(Bitch the fuck)
Fucking Princey Fluffernutter was invited?
ROD
Si, he’s a relic, they’re highly respected among the vampire society, remember Baron Afanas?
HORACE
(Fondly)
Do I? For a vampire with no genitalia, he sure knows how to use his hands!
ENZO
Ugh.
HORACE
You’re seriously not going to be wearing that tomorrow, are you?
ENZO
(Snarky)
What of it?
HORACE
You know what? You’re not my problem. Be a bitch, I don’t care. Oh, and I would like to announce something: I am no longer attracted to Finny in any way, sexual or otherwise!
Which is a fucking lie.
LIONEL GARNIER
Well, I’ll be darned.
ROD
That’s a shame.
ENZO
Prove it. Say his actual name.
HORACE
Alright, Finny.
ENZO
Nope.
HORACE
(Struggling)
Fin. Ee. Finnel. Fiiii- Fim. Fiddle dee dum, fiddle dee dee. The point is that I am done. I’ve fully accepted that he is a straight man, who does- DID not return any sort of mutual feelings. I’m completely over him.
Finley walks in through the front door with a SHOPPING BAG.
FINLEY (O.S)
I’m home!
HORACE
Shit.
Finley walks upstairs, and pauses.
FINLEY
Oh, Princey’s coming?
ENZO
Yeah, cuz he was invited but not us, even though we’re arguably more house trained than his feral ass!
ROD
What do you have in that bag?
FINLEY
Oh. Just stuff for the party, some new jeans, axe body spray-
ENZO
Ooh, so we can shat box the place with it, good idea!
FINLEY
Shut up. Also, a mask that I got from Party City.
HORACE
Oh my gosh. Do we have masks? We need masks, I shall go to party city and get some!
ROD
I’ll come with you!
HORACE
No, you stay here and rest up your voice for tomorrow. You converse with the employees too much. Now, where is my satchel?
Horace goes back into his room. He comes out with a SATCHEL.
HORACE (CON’T)
I shall be back in one hour! Bat!
Horace transforms into a bat and flies out the house.
LIONEL GARNIER
Okay, Princey, just step into the bathroom and we’ll get you all prettied up for everyone to see!
Princey Fluffernutter tries resisting.
ENZO
I can’t believe this bullshit.
ROD
You can stand there and pout all you want, we are going to the masquerade tomorrow, and we are going to be nice, and presentable guests.
Lionel Garnier gives Princey Fluffernutter his PHONE which immediately distracts him.
FINLEY
Guys, I have to tell you something. I think it’s kinda important for you to hear this.
ENZO
What is it?
FINLEY
Okay, um… the past few weeks I’ve been feeling all jittery and anxious, can’t stop pacing and fidgeting and snapping.
ENZO
Oh, yeah, I’ve noticed that.
ROD
You’ve been doing that quite a lot lately, is it because of your smoking addiction?
FINLEY
It’s not- I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, that’s new, I know. What I’m trying to say is that…
Finley struggles to tell them.
ROD
Just let it all out.
Princey Fluffernutter GRUNTS.
ENZO
(Jokingly)
Say it or your gay-
FINLEY
I’m gay and in love with Horace! Phew, that feels so good to say out loud! …What?
Camera shows Enzo, Rod, and Lionel Garnier in absolute shock, jaws dropped and eyes widened. Princey Fluffernutter even drops his PHONE to the ground.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Why are you guys looking at me like that?
ENZO
Y- you- you’re-
LIONEL GARNIER
Gay? We thought you made it clear you were a hetero-vestite.
FINLEY
Surprise! I was wrong! I guess I was so good at pretending I even fooled myself for 33 years. Emmy worthy performance right here, everyone! But in all seriousness, I hope this doesn’t change your view on me.
BEAT.
ENZO
(Panic)
No! No! Absolutely not!
LIONEL GARNIER
That’s an utterly insane thought to think!
ENZO
We’re happy that you came to that conclusion, and we fully support you! Never too late! …So, what was that last thing after you said you were gay?
FINLEY
(Giddy)
That I’m in love with Horace. Like, a lot. It feels like love, I think. I could even… I’m so deep in love I can’t even think of a good way to describe it!
ENZO
(Strained smile)
Sounds jim-dandy!
LIONEL GARNIER
(Clenched teeth)
How spanking!
Princey Fluffernutter nods in agreement.
ROD
(Furious)
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!
LIONEL GARNIER
(Muttered)
Oh, they said the f-word, that means trouble.
ROD
After he- and then you- after all this-! GRGGGH!
Rod storms to their room and SLAMS the door. We hear them search for something aggressively.
ENZO
(Muttered)
I think that’s the closest I’ve ever heard them swear. (TO PRINCEY FLUFFERNUTTER) Have you ever seen them get this pissed?
Princey Fluffernutter shakes his head.
Rod SLAMS the door open again, this time holding a CHANCLA in their hand.
FINLEY
Why are you holding that shoe in your hand?
ROD
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you had the guts to reveal this sacred detail about yourself, and very rarely do I willingly harm anyone, but I would just love to take this opportunity to introduce you to the lifelong hispanic tradition of la chancla!
Rod starts beating the shit out of Finley with the CHANCLA, and chases him. Finley yells at them to stop.
LIONEL GARNIER (TO ENZO)
Should we stop them?
ENZO
We should, but I want to see where this goes.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROW HOUSE - A DAY LATER - NIGHT
Text fade in: Day of the Unholy Masquerade
Finley (in his buttoned flannel tucked in his jeans) and Enzo step outside, wearing backpacks, where Horace and Rod are waiting for them in their fancy, gender non-conforming attire. Rod glares at Finley.
ENZO
What the hell are you guys wearing?
HORACE
This was our attire for our gigs, this fur coat was made from only the softest yeti fur. Jealous?
ENZO
…A little bit actually, yeah.
Lionel Garnier drags a SNARLING Princey Fluffernutter out, now in ridiculously fobbish clothing and a giant bow around his neck.
LIONEL GARNIER
We’re ready.
HORACE
Alright, Enzo, grab onto my shoulders, Lionel Garnier, you go with Princey, and Rod, you’ll take… him, we have a long journey ahead of us.
Enzo wraps his arms around Horace’s shoulders from behind.
ENZO
Okay, before you take off, could you make sure to count dow-
Horace immediately starts flying upwards and Enzo SCREAMS IN FEAR.
FINLEY
So-
ROD
(Snappy)
You’re not my problem.
Rod immediately flies away.
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD - INTERCUT
Rod is pissed.
ROD
I cannot believe this! Does Finley even know the amount of yearning and pining that Horace has done over him for these past months? Not even months, almost two years, only for him to resign all feelings for him, and then Finley comes along and pulls this sh-... You know what? That’s his problem, I need to focus on the performance, because it will be amazing.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROWHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Finley joins Lionel Garnier and wraps his arms around Princey Fluffernutter’s shoulders.
FINLEY
Looks like I’m joining you guys-
Princey Fluffernutter immediately takes off, and Finley and Lionel Garnier SCREAM IN FEAR.
The camera looks around, unsure what to do now.
CUT TO:
EXT. WELLINGTON NEW ZEALAND - NIGHT
Shot of the streets.
Text fade in: Wellington, New Zealand
Text fades out.
CUT TO:
EXT. CATHEDRAL OF DESPAIR - NIGHT
Horace, Rod, and Princey all land in front of the building.
HORACE
We’re here, and at 6pm exactly.
Enzo and Finley kneel to the ground. Finley kisses the ground.
ENZO
(Relief)
OH! GROUND! OH, SWEET, SWEET GROUND!
Horace CLEARS HIS THROAT. Enzo and Finley stand up.
HORACE
Okay everyone, do we all have our masks? Except Enzo, because he is going in protest.
Horace, Lionel Garnier, and Finley pull out their masks and put them on. Rod puts on their VEJIGANTE MASK, with small horns.
ROD
I just noticed that your mask kind of resembles a Plague Doctor mask!
HORACE
Good eye, Rod! (Looks over to Finley and Lionel Garnier) Okay, what the fuck is this?
Camera pans over to Lionel Garnier wearing a MEDICAL MASK, and Finley wearing a SWAMP MONSTER MASK.
FINLEY
Our masks?
HORACE
Do you realize how offensive that is? You are committing fish face!
ENZO
Is that equivalent to black face?
HORACE
Yeah, pretty much.
Enzo LAUGHS.
ENZO
Oh man, I love white people.
FINLEY
It was all they had!
They notice a SWAMP MONSTER from faraway looking at Finley with disdain. He shakes his head and heads inside the Masquerade.
HORACE
Take it off. Now.
FINLEY
I am, I am.
Finley takes off the mask.
HORACE (TO LIONEL GARNIER)
And you just look bloody fucking stupid.
CUT TO:
INT. CATHEDRAL OF DESPAIR - MOMENTS LATER
They all walk into the main room, filled with many monsters in fancy attire and having a grand old time.
ROD
The Unholy Masquerade!
ENZO
Just as stuffy as I thought.
HORACE
You four have fun now!
FINLEY
Wait, where are you going?
HORACE
We need time to prepare for our performance and to get our socializing in. I’m sure you three will find your way around. Also, fans are a major hassle to get through.
FAN #1 walks up to Horace and Rod with an old scroll.
FAN #1
(Excited)
Excuse me, are you guys Hot Rodney & Mr./Miss H?!
ROD
Si!
HORACE
(Pleased)
Why, yes!
FAN #1
Can I have your autographs?
HORACE
But of course!
Horace and Rod sign the scroll, as Finley leaves them alone.
CUT TO:
A crowd forms around Princey Fluffernutter to pet him and treat him like an attraction, which stresses him out, causing him to SCREECH.
Lionel Garnier steps in front.
LIONEL GARNIER
Step away from the beast!
Lionel Garnier turns his head to check on Princey Fluffernutter, only to find that he’s suddenly disappeared, his leash on the ground.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
Shit.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ENZO - INTERCUT
ENZO
I know I told myself that I’d have to hide being a werewolf, and y’know, I kinda struggle with my personal self-image because of it. But only I can insult myself on that fact, everyone else can get fucked. Name a bigger hater than me. I actually pissed on any plants I could find in this place, and no one noticed, the upside to a large crowd. Now we just wait for the smell to permeate.
PARTY GOER (O.S)
It smells like werewolf piss in here!
ENZO
Gottem.
CUT TO:
INT. SNACK & PUNCH TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Enzo stands by the punch table.
ENZO
Look, a ladle.
Enzo picks up the LADLE and tosses it to the ground.
ENZO (CON’T)
This is what I think of your punch.
Enzo grabs a CUP and scoops up the punch with it deviously, then takes a giant gulp. But then he spits it out in disgust.
ENZO (CON’T)
Oh! Oh, god! Is this blood?! That’s fucking disgusting!
Enzo realizes that people are looking at him weirdly.
ENZO
(Caught)
Uh. It’s anemic blood, no iron in it, gives a sour aftertaste.
People stop looking at him. Enzo immediately pours the blood back into the bowl.
Enzo then notices Finley looking uncomfortable in a fluorescent hallway, and then going into a storage closet.
Enzo looks on in confusion but also concern.
Lionel Garnier runs up to Enzo.
LIONEL GARNIER
Mr. Abebe, I require your assistance, I seemed to have misplaced Princey Fluff-
ENZO
Piss off Lionel Garnier.
LIONEL GARNIER
Of course.
Lionel Garnier rushes away.
CUT TO:
Horace being surrounded by clamoring fans, signing many autographs and clearly indulging in the attention. Rod just stands by and watches.
HORACE
Yes, yes, I’d love to, now wait your turns, I’ll make sure to get to all of you!
SEBASTIAN MARINO, an Italian 50’s Greaser vampire, steps in to see what all the commotion is.
SEBASTIAN
Hey, hey, hey! What’s all this?! People are tryna have a party over here! Move along people, there’s nothin’ to see!
ROD
(Recognizing)
Wait, Sebastian Marino?!
Sebastian spins around.
SEBASTIAN
Rod Rodriguez?! Ain’t no way!
ROD
It’s been so long, I haven’t seen you since the 50’s! I see Vicenta finally turned you into a vampire!
SEBASTIAN
Yeah, it wasn’t easy, especially with me being Italian, having to cut foods with garlic out of my diet, having to drop my faith in Catholicism, all that kinda stuff. I got a daughter now, so, that’s somethin’.
ROD
Sounds rough, but also great! What brings you here?
SEBASTIAN
I’ve actually been tasked by them higher ups with keeping you and Horace out of harm's way, paparazzi can get outta hand, LOTSA virgin blood though, that’s a plus, basically a god-
Sebastian’s mouth suddenly catches on fire and he SCREAMS.
SEBASTIAN (CON’T)
SHIT! I KEEP FORGETTING I CAN’T SAY THAT WORD!
ROD
By the way, do you still keep in contact with Vicenta? Does she talk about me at all?
SEBASTIAN
I haven’t heard from that she-demon bitch in decades, and thank… g-word for that. Don’t tell me you two are still together.
ROD
I mean… not at the moment.
FAN #2
Mr. H! Can you look over here please?
Horace looks over and serves when a camera FLASHES at him.
Sebastian storms over to the crowd.
SEBASTIAN
Hey, no pictures!
Rod looks over and they spot a TALL FIGURE with a Hannya mask (Hannya is a female demon from Japanese folklore that represents jealousy and resentment) standing by the wall, far away from them.
Rod waves at them. The tall figure doesn’t wave back.
Rod slowly makes their way up to the figure, intrigued by the ominous aura of this person.
Lionel Garnier tries making his way through the crowd but is unsuccessful.
LIONEL GARNIER
Ms. Balassa, if you’re not too busy, I’d really require your assistance!
Rod keeps walking, then stands directly in front of the tall figure, and tilt their head in curiosity.
The tall figure suddenly grabs them and covers their mouth before they could say anything and drag them away.
CUT TO:
INT. FLUORESCENT HALLWAY - MEANWHILE
Enzo stands in front of the closet door.
ENZO (TO CAMERA)
(Hushed)
I saw Finley walk in here. If he’s fucking a guy in there, I’m actually going to smack him.
Enzo turns around and KNOCKS on the door.
ENZO (CON’T)
Finley? Finley, I know you’re in there, are you banging a chap?
FINLEY (O.S)
(Through the door)
What? No!...Shit!
ENZO
I’m coming in!
Enzo turns the knob and barges in to find Finley sitting on the floor.
FINLEY
You can’t force me out of this closet.
ENZO
Oh, great, you’re playing the gay card now. I’m not gonna force you to come out, I just- what’re you even doing in here?
FINLEY
I don’t know, I was planning on telling Horace how I feel at the party, but now I'm not so sure, so I panicked.
ENZO
And you’ve been in love with her for how long?
FINLEY
More than a week?
ENZO
Jesus Christ.
FINLEY
What? I said ‘more than’.
ENZO
Okay, you’re rushing into things, you need to let this type of thing sit, also, right before his huge performance? Come on.
FINLEY
I know, I know, the last thing he needs is that kind of pressure, besides, I don’t even know if… she likes me back. Not like, you do either.
ENZO
…Yeah.
FINLEY
Maybe when Rod stops being mad at me I can ask them. I’ve never really put any thought into my sexuality until now, I think it explains a lot about my life. I ‘dated’ a girl in high school but we never did anything, she just got with me to piss off our parents, or something, I was a fucking delinquent back then. This is the first time I truly know who I am.
ENZO
Again, I admire you for that, you adapt quickly. It took me years to accept that I wasn’t straight, so it’s nice to see people now come to terms with it easier than I did.
They nudge each other’s shoulders.
FINLEY
It’s been a while since the two of us hung out.
ENZO
Hm, yeah. You want to scarf down all the snacks and throw it all up in a corner?
FINLEY
Yeah, I got time.
Enzo and Finley come out of the closet.
INT. FLUORESCENT HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Enzo and Finley exit and go back to the party.
Camera whip pans to the tall figure, peeking out from the bathroom door, they notice the camera and step back in.
Camera runs over to the bathroom and steps in.
ROD
I’m sorry, but I have to get back out there, I have a performance to perform!
The figure takes off her mask. Rod’s eyes widen.
ROD (CON’T)
Vicenta?!
VICENTA
(Hushed)
Shhh! Keep your mouth shut! For once?
ROD
Okay. Sorry. What are you doing here? I thought we… took a break.
VICENTA
I was just frazzled from all that’s happened, what with Princey Fluffernutter, and the dogs. And I missed you, my sweet, little rabbit.
ROD
(Hopeful)
You did?
VICENTA
Yes. Tell me, where’s Horace?
ROD
Oh, he’s dealing with fans, they’re a wild bunch.
VICENTA
So he’s hoarding all of the adoration… and not you? Why is that?
ROD
Um…
VICENTA
Typical Horace, hogging all of the attention, remember that was why you stopped performing?
ROD
That’s not-... I don’t really mind-
VICENTA
Or do you? You know, when you were my familiar, I never took credit for your killings. I owed it all to you.
Sebastian barges in with a PAPER CUP.
SEBASTIAN
Hey, I got your stupid-
Sebastian notices Rod and freezes up.
ROD
Sebastian?
SEBASTIAN
Hey, listen, this was all her idea, she forced me to do her dirty work, she was gonna go after my daughter!
VICENTA
Silence!
Sebastian shuts his mouth. Vicenta grabs the cup from Sebastian and shoves it into Rod’s hands.
ROD
What’s this?
VICENTA
Holy water. Your chance in the limelight.
ROD
Holy water?! Are you insane?!
VICENTA
You’re not of value to those cretins!
Lionel Garnier barges in.
LIONEL GARNIER
Mx. Rodriguez, have you seen Princey Fluffernutter?
ROD
Get out!
Vicenta stares into Lionel Garnier’s eyes, and stares back uncomfortably. Lionel Garnier leaves.
ROD
They’re my friends!
VICENTA
The pretty white boy has a black servant.
BEAT.
ANNOUNCER (O.S)
(Over microphone)
Okay, ghouls and gremlins, on deck in fifteen, we have Hot Rodney & Miss H. for this one time comeback performance!
The crowd from outside CHEERS.
ROD
I have to go.
VICENTA
You have two choices. Splash, or no splash.
Rod leaves but Sebastian stops them.
SEBASTIAN
Look, Rod… I’m sorry.
Rod just looks at Sebastian with betrayal in their eyes, but also understanding. They get why he had to do it. Rod exits the bathroom.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH VICENTA|MAIN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
VICENTA
People ask me why I see or treat my familiars as some sort of pet, and I want to clarify that I don’t. For something to be a pet, you have to care about it.
CUT TO:
EXT. CATHEDRAL OF DESPAIR - MEANWHILE
Lionel Garnier runs outside and searches the surrounding area in a panic. Princey Fluffernutter’s clothes are scattered around.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Calling out)
PRINCEY FLUFFERNUTTER!
LIONEL GARNIER (V.O)
I was knee deep in absolute tripe, I was tasked to watch Princey Fluffernutter and I let him out of my sight for one second, ONE SECOND!
Lionel Garnier looks up and the camera whip pans up to the roof, where Princey Fluffernutter is perched.
LIONEL GARNIER
Princey Fluffernutter! Come down here this instant!
Princey Fluffernutter HISSES like a cat.
LIONEL GARNIER
Okay, it looks like I’m coming up there!
Lionel Garnier spots a water spout and starts climbing up it.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Lionel Garnier is standing by Princey Fluffernutter. Jesus those are some long names.
LIONEL GARNIER
So, what I’m getting at is that you hate going outside, especially to the Masquerade, because people treat you like some sort of side attraction?
Princey Fluffernutter nods. Princey Fluffernutter then rips off the pink bow around his neck and tosses it off the roof.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
(Understanding)
That explains your hesitance to go then. I understand how it feels to be treated as though you’re less than equal.
Princey Fluffernutter nudges his head against Lionel Garnier’s leg like a cat.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
What do you say we ditch this place?
Princey Fluffernutter stands up and spreads out his wings. Lionel Garnier wraps his arms around him from behind.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
On the count of three, one, two-
Princey Fluffernutter takes off into the air, and Lionel Garnier SCREAMS.
CUT TO:
INT. STAGE - MEANWHILE
Horace stands by the steps of the stage, anxiously waiting for Rod. Rod finally shows up, trying to hide the PAPER CUP.
HORACE
Where have you been?! We go on in one minute! I had to deal with the fans all by myself, some were a nightmare, one person asked me to give them a jar of my bath water!
ROD
Vicenta is here!
HORACE
I’m sorry, she’s fucking what?!
ROD
A-and she gave me this cup of holy water to splash on you, because she says you’re hogging all the attention that she thinks I should have!
HORACE
(Loud whisper)
HOLY WATER?! AT THE UNHOLY MASQUERADE?! Okay, dump the water, now.
ROD
Where?!
HORACE
Anywhere, just get rid of it!
Rod dumps the water onto the floor.
ROD
She’s going to be furious with me!
HORACE
(Reassuring)
Rod, you know she’s just trying to get in between us, but I can see through it, and I may be an attention whore, it’s in my name, but I’d never take all the credit for what we both have achieved. Look at me, just focus on the performance, I will make sure that nothing happens to you, okay?
ROD
(Assured)
Okay.
ANNOUNCER (O.S)
Let’s get ready for Hot Rodney and Miss-ter H!
HORACE
I changed up my image a little bit, it’s 2024 afterall. Okay, we are going to fucking slay this, or whatever the hell people say nowadays.
Horace kisses Rod on the forehead and shows them up the steps.
CUT TO:
INT. SNACK TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Finley and Enzo sitting on the floor, full from having completely demolished the snack table.
ENZO
I think we ate too much.
FINLEY
Maybe.
Finley attempts to put another snack in his mouth but Enzo just pushes his hand down.
ENZO
Oh, look, Rod and Horace are about to do their song now.
Finley and Enzo stand up and get closer. Rod and Horace are up at the mics.
ROD (TO CROWD)
Alright, are you ready?!
The crowd CHEERS.
HORACE
(Sensual)
This coat is too stuffy, I think I need to get some air.
Horace slips his fur coat off, revealing a longline lace shirt. The crowd goes fucking wild.
If Finley wasn’t in love before he’s definitely head over heels now.
ROD
3, 2, 1!
Something Stupid by Frank and Nancy Sinatra plays on the speakers. Rod sings Frank’s part, all deep and sexy, and vice versa.
ROD & HORACE
I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time to spend an evening with me. And if we go someplace to dance that there’s a chance you won’t be leaving with me~
Rod and Horace sing in the background as Finley looks up at Horace, entranced. Enzo is in horny shock lmao.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ENZO AND FINLEY - INTERCUT
Enzo tries to grasp the situation while Finley has his back turned, focused on the song.
ENZO
(Horny)
I did not know they were gonna sound like that.
FINLEY
He’s beautiful…
ENZO
(Sweating)
Yup. Yeah, he sure is.
Enzo gulps down a CUP OF BLOOD and spits it out.
CUT TO:
INT. STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Rod and Horace are finishing up singing.
ROD & HORACE
And then I had to spoil it all by saying something stupid, like “I love you”. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
The crowd CHEERS loudly for them.
FINLEY
(Cheering)
WOOOOOOH! I KNOW HIM! WE LIVE TOGETHER!
ROD
Horace, the crowd is losing their heads!
HORACE
I know, it’s wonderful!
ROD
No, I mean the crowd is literally losing their heads, look.
Camera whip pans to the crowd borderline rioting, with zombies heads getting knocked off and stomped on.
HORACE
Oh, shit.
ROD
I think I know why we stopped doing gigs.
Rod spots Vicenta at the very front of the crowd, glaring straight at them.
Rod grabs Horace’s arm. Horace gets confused but then sees Vicenta and understands.
Vicenta then floats up, meeting their eye level, and stares them down. The room quiets down when they see her.
PARTY GOER #1
Hey, it’s that she-demon bitch, Vicenta!
The crowd HECKLES her.
VICENTA
SHUT UP!
PARTY GOER #2
Hey, fuck you, you fucking groomer!
CUT TO:
INT. SNACK TABLE - CONTINUOUS
FINLEY
Vicenta?!
ENZO
That cunt! Hold me back!
Enzo attempts to go after her but Finley holds him down.
CUT TO:
INT. STAGE - CONTINUOUS
VICENTA
…I’m surprised at you, Rod. You deliberately disobeyed me.
HORACE
That is because Rod doesn’t have to follow shit!
VICENTA
You only took Rod under your wing because you felt sorry for them. I however saw their potential, but now look. Everyone who has ever interacted with you, did so because they felt sorry. That’s the thing about you, Rod. You are pitiful.
BEAT.
ROD
(Gravelly, on the microphone)
Vicenta Bardales. You are not my problem. We are officially done.
The crowd GASPS.
ROD (CON’T)
A-and, if you think I am so pitiful , then you can… you can shove your face in an orcs sweaty armpit !
The crowd then goes fucking wild, CHEERING for Rod.
VICENTA
(Furious)
You are going to regret this, Rod Rodriguez-
ROD
(Covering their ears)
LALALALA I’M NOT LETTING YOU GET THE LAST WORD!
Vicenta gets pissed, then shoots straight up and breaks through the roof.
Rod then starts to grasp the full situation.
CUT TO:
EXT. CATHEDRAL OF DESPAIR
The four are the last to leave. Finley walks up to Horace.
ENZO
That went as well as I thought it would.
FINLEY
(Gay nervousness)
Horace. Hey, there’s something I need to tell you.
HORACE
(Gay hope)
Yes?
FINLEY
(Gay defeat)
…You guys did great.
HORACE
(Gay disappointment)
I appreciate that.
Rod, in a state of dissociation, immediately flies away.
ENZO
Okay, well, one of our rides home just ditched us.
FINLEY
Yeah, and I think Princey and Lionel left early.
HORACE
(SIGH) Grab on.
Finley and Enzo cling on to Horace.
ENZO
Make sure to actually count down this ti-
Horace flies up, and Finley and Enzo SCREAM.
END CREDITS.
Come Fly With Me by Frank Sinatra plays over the credits.
Notes:
Omg only two episodes left guys how’re we feeling
Chapter 9: 2x09: Saying Something Stupid
Summary:
Horace unknowingly invites Finley’s parents over for dinner. Enzo helps Rod go through a tough breakup.
Chapter Text
Saying Something Stupid
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
We open with a closeup shot of Horace lighting a CANDLE in front of him.
HORACE (V.O)
I am having guests over, a married couple.
Horace walks to the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN CONTINUOUS
Horace searches the pantry and grabs a BOX OF MAC & CHEESE, and reads the instructions closely..
HORACE (V.O)
A rich, married couple. To eat? Of course. To fuck? We shall see.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE
Horace is sitting on the couch.
HORACE
The husband is a vacuum salesman, near pushing… what? 300? I was hanging around the country club, doing all the work around here now apparently, and I ran into this lordly, old man.
Montage of Horace tidying up the house and setting the table in the dining room.
He pushes a chair over the entrance to the dark and spooky chamber.
HORACE (V.O)
Frankly speaking all the men there were huge snobs but there was something about him that drew me in. I invited him and his wife to come for dinner to ‘talk business’ which of course meant sucking their blood. Usually Rod handles the interactions but they’ve been quite absent recently. I’ve been doing this shit for decades in my youth, how hard could it be?
End montage.
HORACE
I told them I specialized in manufacturing pickled eggs. Rich people absolutely revere horrid food, and I drink blood.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The doorbell RINGS.
HORACE
That must be them.
Horace opens the door to greet pretentious, fat cat tycoon REGINALD JONES, early 70’s; and his destitute, alcoholic wife, MARJORIE JONES, early 50’s who was definitely in it for the money when she was younger. They are played by Stephen Root and Kaitlin Olsen.
HORACE (CON’T)
Why, hello there!
REGINALD
Ayyyy, how’re you doing?
HORACE
Come in, come in! Dinner is almost ready, I hope traffic wasn’t too much trouble.
Reginald and Marjorie walk in.
REGINALD
Oh, it was a nightmare, but nothing a few morally questionable shortcuts can’t fix! I see you live quite a humble life here.
HORACE
Well, you know, sometimes less is more. I wouldn't know what I’d do with extensive space.
REGINALD
Now, Mr. Balassa-
HORACE
Please, call me Horace.
REGINALD
Of course. Horace, let’s talk business.
Reginald feigns a heart attack, which surprises Horace, but he starts to laugh.
REGINALD (CON’T)
Hah! I’m just fucking with you! Imagine if I did get a heart attack though, that’d be pretty wild.
HORACE
Yes, yes, it would be.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - MEANWHILE
Finley is hyping himself up in the mirror.
FINLEY (TO HIMSELF)
Okay, I got this. I got this! Phew, who’s a good boy?
ENZO
(Tired)
You are. For the millionth time.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ENZO & FINLEY - INTERCUT
FINLEY
Today is the day that I tell Horace I’m in love with him. I can do this.
ENZO
It’s all been leading up to this for a grueling three weeks. Now, the question is: is Finley sure he wants to go through with this?
FINLEY
Yeah, 100%! Like my score on this ‘am I gay’ quiz I took online.
Finley holds up his PHONE to show a buzzfeed quiz he took.
FINLEY (CON’T)
I actually took a thousand of them and got that exact score for a few of them. Most of them. All of them.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Finley looks at his reflection in the mirror. Enzo stands next to him.
ENZO
Are you ready?
FINLEY
Born ready… Could you come as backup in case this all goes up in flames?
ENZO
I’ve got nothing better to do.
FINLEY
Hilarious. Alright, let’s do this.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Reginald introduces himself and his wife.
REGINALD
Reginald, and this is my wife, Marjorie.
HORACE
It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Horace kisses Marjorie’s hand. Marjorie wipes her hand on her dress in disgust.
REGINALD
Don’t mind her, she’s just a little… (indicates she’s tipsy)
HORACE
…I see. Now, remind me, what are your namesakes again?
REGINALD
Forgive me, we’re the-
FINLEY (O.S)
Mom?!
Reginald, Marjorie, and Horace look up at the railing in shock.
Camera whip pans to Finley and Enzo at the railing, the former absolutely horrified at this sight.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Dad?!
ROLL CREDITS.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Finley, Enzo, and Horace hide away in the kitchen.
ENZO
I knew you were rich! It all makes sense!
FINLEY
Fuck off, that’s not important. (TO HORACE) You invited my goddamn parents over to have dinner and kill and/or fuck them?!
HORACE
I didn’t know! I’ll tell them they came at a bad time!
FINLEY
I don’t give a shit what you do with them, I just want them out, and gone!
ENZO
Wait, Finley, you never told us you were adopted.
FINLEY
I’m not. I’m from Rye, New Hampshire.
ENZO
…But they’re American. Aggressively.
FINLEY
So am I, they took the DNA test and everything. I picked up an accent when I was younger and they never bothered to fix it.
ENZO
YOU’RE AMERICAN?!
FINLEY
SHHHHH! SHH!
REGINALD (O.S)
Son, what’s going on in there?
FINLEY
Nothing, dad! Christ, he’s infuriating.
HORACE
They seem tolerable for the most part.
ENZO
I mean… yeah, I guess, even for a wealthy, old, white couple, and that’s coming from me.
FINLEY
Oh, you guys have no idea.
Lionel Garnier walks in through the door with a GROCERY BAG and freezes in his steps when he sees his old bosses.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Nervous)
M- master and Mistress Jones!
REGINALD
Lionel Garnier? Is this where you ran off to? I figured you’d at least settle for an island off in the Asian areas.
LIONEL GARNIER
Pacific Island, sir.
REGINALD
Potato, Potahto.
HORACE
(Shock)
Dear Lucifer.
ENZO
I take everything back, I fucking hate these guys.
FINLEY
Thank Lionel I didn’t turn out as bad.
Marjorie gives Lionel Garnier her PURSE, takes out a FLASK and plops onto the chair.
ENZO
And the hate’s doubled.
LIONEL GARNIER
Um, excuse me for just a moment.
Lionel Garnier panics and rushes to the kitchen and puts everything away.
LIONEL GARNIER (CON’T)
(Whispered)
Master Finley, why was I not informed that you invited your parents to visit this household?!
FINLEY
I didn’t fucking invite them, Horace did, I’d rather be put down by an injection of chocolate and cyanide!
ENZO
This is bad. Like, dead baby manatees bad.
HORACE
I might have an idea.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
The boys are gathered at Rod’s door, as Horace repeatedly knocks on it.
HORACE
Rod? Rod, we need your assistance and charm! Preferably this instant!
ROD (O.S)
(Depressed)
Coming.
Rod cracks open the door to reveal that they look like absolute hell. Dried blood streaks on their face, disheveled hair in a bun, eye bags, wearing the HOT TOPIC WORM SHIRT and pajama pants.
FINLEY
(Horror)
What the actual shit?
LIONEL GARNIER
Oh, dear lord.
ROD
(Creaky)
Can I help you?
ENZO
You look dead! Not even undead, like an actual dead corpse!
HORACE
What the hell happened to you?
ROD
(Holding back)
Remember how I said Vicenta’s break up hadn’t hit me yet? Well, it absolutely clapped me right in the sitzfleisch after the masquerade, and has been repeatedly curb stomping me for the past two weeks, and possibly many more to come.
ENZO
Jeez…
FINLEY
Fuck, man.
HORACE
(Sympathetic)
Oh, Rod. Come here. You’re too good for that snake.
Horace briefly hugs Rod.
ROD
I’m just trying to push through the four stages of grief right now.
LIONEL GARNIER
Aren’t there five stage-
ROD
(Shouting)
THERE ARE FOUR! (Composed) I’m afraid you’ll have to host Finley’s parents without me. Tell them I (about to sob) send my regards.
Rod shuts the door.
HORACE
Enzo, go and comfort Rod. I would, but I have guests to host.
ENZO
Wha- no! I’ve been in like, 10 relationships, all of which ended poorly. I am the last person to comfort someone over relationship issues, especially when they’ve been stuck with one fucking person for like, their entire life.
FINLEY
It has to be better than being around my bitch ass, glass-closet bigoted parents.
Enzo thinks about it.
Beat.
Enzo knocks on Rod’s door.
ENZO
Hey, Rod, you up for a chat?
ROD (O.S)
[Come on in.]
Enzo rushes into Rod’s room and deviously flips off the others, shutting the door.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH FINLEY, REGINALD & MARJORIE
Finley and Reginald sit on the couch as Marjorie sits on the chair. Reginald puts his hand on Marjorie’s shoulder, which makes her physically recoil. Finley wants nothing to do with this.
REGINALD
I am the CEO of Vic’s Vacuums, and have been for about 49 going on 50 years. Time flies.
FINLEY
Oh, you can remember how long you’ve had your shitty job but not to call your son to say happy birthday?
REGINALD
Fin, I would’ve called, but I was slammed at the office.
FINLEY
Yeah, and mom was getting slammed on whiskey and gin.
Marjorie grabs a FLASK from her pocket and takes a swig from it.
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
They’re all sitting at the dining table, Reginald and Finley at opposite ends. Lionel Garnier pours wine for them. Finley glares at his dad.
LIONEL GARNIER
Unoaked Chardonnay for tonight's special, (gritted teeth) only for our most esteemed guests.
REGINALD
So, Fin, you never told me you and Balassa here… lived here.
FINLEY
Apparently there’s a lot you don't know about me.
HORACE
We’re business partners.
FINLEY
I’m in charge of marketing. Have to get people interested in pickled eggs somehow.
HORACE
And I must say, I don’t know how he does it, but business is absolutely booming because of his tactics.
REGINALD
You could say we’ve got a Little Man and Fat Boy over here! Good to see the boy using his Jonesy charm to use, eh?
HORACE
(Hushed)
Did he just compare us to the atomic bombs used on the Japanese during the second world war???
FINLEY
(Hushed)
He does this shit all the time with his other rich friends, just play along. Yes, I know it’s problematic, no, I can’t do shit about it.
Horace uncomfortably looks at Reginald and LAUGHS.
REGINALD
See? He gets it.
LIONEL GARNIER
How farcical.
HORACE (TO FINLEY)
(Hushed)
I made a grave mistake.
FINLEY
Welcome to my world.
Finley takes a swig of wine.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LIONEL GARNIER|KITCHEN - INTERCUT
Lionel Garnier stands in front of the camera.
LIONEL GARNIER
Despite my outward loyalty to the Jones family, I hold very little regard for the parents of Master Finley, if you can even call them that, like how they held very little regard for him… and Jackson. I need a minute.
Lionel Garnier, sounding like he’s about to tear up, removes his microphone and steps away.
CUT TO:
INT. ROD’S ROOM - MEANWHILE
Enzo stands awkwardly in Rod’s room while they reside in their casket.
ENZO (TO HIMSELF)
(Muttered)
Why am I doing this to myself?
Enzo inches up to Rod’s casket. He lifts the lid up to find Rod listening to Avril Lavigne on blast with some HEADPHONES, clutching their JOURNAL to their chest, blood tears streaming down their face..
ENZO (CON’T)
Yeesh. So, uh… are you doing alright?
Rod sits up and looks Enzo in the eyes.
ROD
I wrote a haiku, would you like to hear it?
ENZO
…Sure, I love haikus.
ROD
(Reading)
My heart is empty. Once full of jouissance. The rabbit is dead.
ENZO
…And the rabbit is you?
Rod nods slowly.
ENZO (CON’T)
…Do you take constructive criticism? Don’t get me wrong, I really like it… haikus are five, seven, five, right?... That was six.
ROD
Well, why don’t I just add the word ‘good’ in there?! ‘Once full of good jouissance’! NOW IT SHALL MEET YOUR STANDARDS-
ENZO
Why don’t we put this away? Writing your feels out is a great way to cope, but maybe not for you.
Enzo takes the JOURNAL away and sets it on the desk.
ROD
[I’m sorry.] Satan knows how Vicenta is dealing with all of this.
ENZO
(Apathetic)
Well, excuse me while I go play her the world's tiniest violin.
ROD
Enzo!
ENZO
She caused you this pain, and you’re worried about how she’s feeling?!
ROD
Yeah? It was my job to make sure she was content for twenty years, whether I wanted to or not.
ENZO
(Pointing)
Victim, victim, victim.
ROD
I’m not! Stop calling me that!
ENZO
You’re a victim. Your problem is that you miss something that doesn’t give a shit about you. When you broke up with her onstage, you told her that she’s not your problem anymore, which was the funniest I’ve ever seen, mind you. Stop making her your problem!
ROD
So you are saying I should just get over it? News flash, it’s not that easy! Baby’s first break up!
ENZO
No one says news flash anymore. Do you have any other coping mechanisms? Specifically, healthy ones.
ROD
…I know of Finley’s.
ENZO
Okay, do you have a pillow I can borrow?
Rod hands him their PILLOW.
ENZO (CON’T)
All you have to do is hold this in your hands, muster up all the anger you have, angle it to the source, and…
Enzo SCREAMS into the pillow.
ENZO (CON’T)
Now you. Your voice might get a little hoarse though.
Rod takes the PILLOW. They hold it in their hands, muster up all their anger, and SCREAMS into the pillow.
ROD
I’m starting to feel a little better but it’s miniscule. Do you have any more methods?
ENZO
Ever heard of Bon Jovi?
ROD
…Do they concoct bonnyclabber?
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM - MEANWHILE
Reginald goes on a tangent that makes everyone uncomfortable.
REGINALD
So, I say to him, ‘no, you’re only as good as how much you contribute’, it’s just how the world works, get these capitals counted by next week, or else your grandkids will be paying your student loans.
Beat.
FINLEY
Dad, can you pass the mac-
REGINALD
Not now, Fin. Now, I’ve been thinking, how about we release a new brand of vacuums, call it the Blowie? I could even sponsor your business.
HORACE
The Blowie…?
REGINALD
Well, yeah, I’m not gonna call it the Suckie.
FINLEY
(Muttered)
How does that relate to pickled eggs in any way?
REGINALD
You know, it’s a real damn shame what happened to Senator Adams.
HORACE
I beg your pardon?
REGINALD
He was a family friend, we often got together on our yachts, he had some damn good ideas too. Maybe all those affairs finally caught up to him and he skipped town.
LIONEL GARNIER
Master Finley wasn’t allowed to come because he would slash the sails.
FINLEY
(Muttered)
Would’ve slashed his balls if I had the chance.
Beat.
HORACE
(Redirecting)
So, how long has Lionel Garnier been working for you? I imagine quite a while, since he and your son are, how you say, tight?
REGINALD
I don’t know, I didn’t hire him.
LIONEL GARNIER
You could say a while.
HORACE
I see…
FINLEY (TO REGINALD)
I don’t think someone with a shitty memory like yours should be working in numbers.
REGINALD
Don’t act like you don’t have the same problem.
FINLEY
Where do you think I got it?! Okay, question, what’s my name? My full name, enlighten me.
REGINALD
That’s easy… Fin…
FINLEY
Are you fucking serious?
REGINALD
Upupup, it’s coming to me, I got it,… Phineas?
FINLEY
It’s Finley!
Shot Through the Heart by Bon Jovi is blasted upstairs from Rod’s room. Enzo and Rod sing the lyrics non-sensibly.
REGINALD
What the hell is this?
Horace hides his face in his hands, his entire plan gone off the rails.
Finley leaves the table and goes upstairs, tired of this bullshit.
CUT TO:
INT. ROD’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rod and Enzo singing their hearts out, seemingly getting
ROD & ENZO
(Singing)
Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name!
ENZO
A bad name!
Finley barges in, and interrupts them.
FINLEY
Do you guys mind shutting the fuck up?! I’m trying to mentally suffer in peace!
ENZO
(Shouting)
Sorry, can’t hear you, Rod’s singing their heart out, and it’s amazing!
ROD
(Singing)
No one can save me, the damage is done!
Finley takes the SPEAKER and shuts it off.
ROD (CON’T)
(Speaking)
Hey!
FINLEY
Sing your heart out quietly.
Finley storms out.
ENZO
Shit, I forgot what being around your dickhead parents can do to someone.
Rod SNIFFLES, curled into a ball on the ground.
ROD
This still isn’t working. It’s not like I still miss her anymore, but I’m just… so sad. I can’t believe she’d ever want to hurt me like this, after everything.
Beat.
Enzo thinks of an idea. He then briefly walks out of Rod's room.
He comes back with TOFFEE in his mouth. He sits next to Rod, then spits TOFFEE out and hands him to Rod.
ENZO
Toffee’s always helped me with stuff like this. Just don’t get blood on him, I already jumped the shark by putting him in my mouth.
Rod takes TOFFEE.
ROD
It definitely smells like it.
ENZO
Dude.
ROD
Sorry, sorry.
Rod hugs TOFFEE, and immediately feels better.
ROD (CON’T)
I feel a lot better. Thank you Enzo.
Enzo clears his throat and gestures to TOFFEE.
ROD (CON’T)
Oh, and thank you Toffee.
Beat.
ENZO
Are you still hung up about her?
ROD
It’s miniscule. I think it’ll only go up from there.
Rod suddenly hugs Enzo, who’s initially surprised by this. Enzo attempts to hug back, but Rod immediately pulls away when he touches their back.
ROD (CON’T)
Sorry, just, uh…
ENZO
No, yeah, I get it.
ROD
So, what now?
ENZO
I paid for premium, might as well put it to actual use.
Beat.
ROD
Karaoke?
ENZO
Karaoke.
ROD
No Weezer though.
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM - MEANWHILE
The uncomfortable dinner is still going on.
REGINALD
I got this error on my laptop and the itee guy or anyhow, he tells me I have too much memory on it, and I’m just like, what the hell is a memory? What would I even want to show them? My family photos? They’re not worth anything. Not as much as vacuums, that’s for sure.
LIONEL GARNIER
(Muttering)
Roomba sales aren’t skyrocketing enough.
HORACE
Where’s Enzo when you need a wooden stake to the brain?
FINLEY
Hey, dad, jumping on the topic of memories… Remember JJ?
MARJORIE
(Muttered)
Finley, I swear to god…
REGINALD
Son, w- what is this?
FINLEY
JJ? Jackson Jones? My brother who you gave up for adoption WHEN HE WAS FIVE! (Bangs the table).
REGINALD
This shit again- can we not talk about this right now?!
LIONEL GARNIER
Master Finley, sit down, this is highly futile!
FINLEY
(Stands up)
I beg to fucking differ! (TO REGINALD) Me and Lionel had to do all the care taking, because both of you were too self absorbed to do it yourself! Shit, you don’t even know when Lionel started working for you! I gained a British accent!
REGINALD
Okay, I do admit that bit may have been a fault on our part.
FINLEY
But I realized something… I wanted to go into child care, maybe even teaching.
MARJORIE
You got suspended for setting the toilets on fire and giving the principal a swirly in one.
FINLEY
Get a fucking clue, mom, I wanted to help kids who were as messed up as I was, and give JJ a family member to want to talk about without feeling like he was invisible… that was how I felt when I was thirteen.
REGINALD
Well, you stopped acting out when you hit high school!
FINLEY
I stopped because of him! I straightened myself out because I finally had a purpose that wasn’t just trying to get you to flip your shit!
REGINALD
We gave you everything you’ve ever wanted!
FINLEY
What I wanted was to be treated like your son! The day I got accepted into Harvard, was the day my entire life, everything I had worked hard for, got shat on. I went into a psychotic break over it and shaved my head, I sought guidance from the worst people, and they took advantage of my barely functioning mind. I called our fucking servant because I had a panic attack from taking mystery pills that my former professor gave me, and had to drop out. I watched Andrew Tate videos, unironically!
REGINALD
(Not phased)
Oh, I heard about him!
MARJORIE
Of course, you’d take advice from a womanizing crypto bro.
FINLEY
(Done)
Crypto. I’m telling you my life story, and you’re talking about crypto… The day I was accepted… how inhumane do you have to be to give your youngest son, my best friend away and feel nothing? Actually, no, I get it, why wait another 13 years when you could just drop it now? Not have to deal with another crying nuisance in your life?
Beat.
Horace stands up, and stands by Finley.
HORACE
(Composed but furious)
I apologize for this disastrous dinner. I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave, and drop you as my sponsor.
Lionel Garnier goes to stand by Finley as well.
Beat.
REGINALD
(Oblivious)
Was this because we disapproved of you dating that girl? I mean, you were a menace but she was an absolute nightmare, and worse: middle class.
MARJORIE
I always thought she was a lesbian.
FINLEY
(Snapping)
You know what? Fuck it. I’ve got a queer little query for all of you. Lionel’s already heard this, so he should know the answer. Who’s down right pissed, tipsy, and fruity all over? That’s right, your eldest son, Finley Martin Jones, is FUCKING GAY! Oh deary me, your wee little boy is a fucking British ciggy! Yeah, I just fucking love taking it up the ass, thrusting over, and over and over! They’re the only daddies I’d ever need, due to a lack of a father figure during my childhood!
REGINALD
(Horrified)
No!
LIONEL GARNIER
M-master Finley, I think he’s heard enough-
FINLEY
Yeah, that’s right, get riled up, this is what happens when you don’t show me the much needed affection I ever so required as a kid! I get a kick out of when dudes pin me down and tell me what a good boy I am, tug on this dog tag like I’m their little pet, and jam the straw right into the peach! I especially love when it tickles my throat and I start to gag and cough, not from smoking, which was definitely your fault, but from shlonking down silly style, on a giant, fat cock!
Reginald, clutching his chest the entire tirade, suddenly GASPS, then his face slumps into his PLATE OF MAC & CHEESE.
MARJORIE
Holy shit… holy shit- is- is he dead? He’s not breathing!
Lionel Garnier rushes over and checks his pulse.
LIONEL GARNIER
He’s dead.
MARJORIE
OH MY GOD!
Horace walks over.
HORACE
No, no, you’re checking the wrong place. Here’s the pulse… wait, nope, he’s dead.
FINLEY
What happened to him?
HORACE
Due to the way he clutched his chest and was in visible discomfort, I’d say he fucking croaked. Probably died of a heart attack.
LIONEL GARNIER
Perhaps months old, boxed macaroni and cheese wasn’t the best dinner option for someone his age in his condition.
MARJORIE
(Panic)
No shit, he had a fucking heart attack! Oh my god, oh my god! I knew he was gonna bite it soon, but not this soon! We can’t call 911, they’ll think I had something to do with this because I’m the gold digging wife who he met at a highly concerning age, and had no emotional attachment to her family! Oh, goddammit, goddammit, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!
FINLEY
(Muttered)
Did I just kill my dad?
LIONEL GARNIER
Mistress Jones, calm yourself, I’ll bring you straight home so you can sort your mind out, Master Finley and Mr. Balassa will handle this.
HORACE
Uhhhhh, yes. Of course.
FINLEY
Yeah, yeah, definitely, totally.
Rod and Enzo suddenly burst out of Rod’s room, blasting Heart Attack by Demi Lovato, practically screaming the lyrics, getting real into it. Going into theatre kid mode mayhaps.
ROD & ENZO
(Singing)
Putting my defenses up, cuz I don’t wanna fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I might have a heart attaaaAAaaack!
They come downstairs while singing and it becomes awkward for the others.
ROD & ENZO (CON’T)
I think I might have a heart attaaaAAaaack!
ROD (CON’T)
I think I might have a heart atta-
They finally notice the messed up situation and stop singing. Finley, Horace, Lionel Garnier, and Marjorie stare at them in absolute bafflement.
ENZO
Jeez, who died?
FINLEY
…My dad?
HORACE
Get out!
Rod and Enzo book it up stairs.
ROD (O.S)
(Shouting)
Sorry for your loss, Finley!
LIONEL GARNIER
Come, Mistress Jones.
MARJORIE
Wait, what’re they gonna do with his body?
Lionel Garnier walks Marjorie out the door.
The camera briefly focuses on Finley, the realization of the situation now hitting him.
Horace walks over to Reginald’s body.
HORACE
Well, I’ve lost my appetite, at least Princey Fluffernutter will get something out of this. Finny, could you help me dump his body into the dark and spooky chamber?
Horace looks up to see that Finley is gone.
HORACE (CON’T)
(Melancholy)
I guess I’ll do it myself. Again.
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVIEW WITH LIONEL GARNIER - INTERCUT
Lionel Garnier stands next to the car.
LIONEL GARNIER
Welp, happy birthday to me.
MARJORIE (O.S)
Hurry up, I left my Xanax at home!
Lionel Garnier stands for a moment, then gets in the car and starts driving. The car drives away.
Camera moves up to show Finley sitting on the roof with a BEER CAN next to him and holding a CIGARETTE.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS
We get a better shot of Finley sitting on the roof, looking out. We see a large window that’s opened behind him.
HORACE (O.S)
(Calling out)
Finny?
Horace flies up from the window, and spots Finley.
HORACE (CON’T)
Finny!
Finley snaps out of it and turns his head around.
FINLEY
Oh. Hey, Horace.
HORACE
Do you mind if I sit here?
Finley just turns back and just exhales through his nose. Horace goes and sits down next to Finley, finally accepting the guilt of the situation.
HORACE
I… wanted to… apologize.
FINLEY
…You couldn’t have known. Not about my parents, college, Jackson. Little fucker was my entire reason for living.
HORACE
He must’ve been very dear to you. You must be devastated about your father getting that heart attack when you went on that whole subterfuge on you being gay.
FINLEY
Honestly, I don’t really feel anything. Shock at first, sure, but he never gave a shit about me, why should I do the same for him? For my whole childhood, I acted out just to get a reaction out of them, so, I guess this is some coming full circle situation? One final fuck up to make him go belly up. And, uh, the gay thing. I wasn’t lying.
HORACE
How do you mean?
FINLEY
I’ve been thinking about it for a while, since beach day. I’ve felt more myself around you guys, drinking and smoking less, cause I felt no need to do those anymore. I discovered some things about myself that I’ve never really thought about until now, like being gay.
Finley turns to Horace, a small grin on his face slowly shining through.
FINLEY (CON’T)
And I think you helped me realize that.
HORACE
I did?
Finley nods.
FINLEY
Yeah, I mean… you brought out the real me.
They sit for a moment. Horace shifts forward and kisses Finley on the lips softly, while cupping his cheek.
But Finley doesn’t kiss back. He pulls away with an unreadable look on his face, perhaps shock and confusion, his chest pulsing with every quick, silent breath.
The grin is gone.
Horace realizes what he’s done.
No.
No, no, no, this- this isn’t happening. No, why is he looking at me like that?!
Horace mentally assesses the situation. He then holds his hand up to Finley’s face. Blood tears form in his eyes.
HORACE
(Hypnotizing)
You will forget everything that happened tonight. Your parents visiting, the awful dinner, your father’s heart attack, and me kissing you… and you will forget me entirely.
He holds Finley’s face in his hands, who’s still entranced in the hypnotism. Horace brings their foreheads together, and holds back a sob.
HORACE (CON’T)
Forgive me.
Horace kisses his forehead then stands up and turns away, but then snaps the newly ignorant Finley out of the trance, who looks away in a dazed manner.
Horace gives him one last longing look as a blood tear runs down his face, then he turns into a bat and flies away.
Finley looks in the direction of the noise but doesn’t see anything.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MEANWHILE
Rod and Enzo are leaning over the railway.
ROD
It’s too bad I never got the chance to introduce myself.
ENZO
Probably for the best, to be honest.
ROD
How come?
ENZO
The dad was weirdly racist, especially to Asian people for some reason. I only heard bits and pieces but I think he said something about knowing Ben Adams.
ROD
(Disgust)
The politician? Oh, gross.
ENZO
What’s you and Horace’s deal with politicians? I mean, respect, but what’s the reason?
ROD
They’re politicians, that’s reason enough.
ENZO
Real. (Pause) Y’know, Finley planned on telling Horace how he felt. Do you think that’s what happened?
ROD
You mean he did that just to tick off his parents? Why?
ENZO
Rough past or something, didn’t get enough attention as a kid, that’s what I know.
ROD
I can’t relate, it was just me and my father growing up. My mother died during childbirth. He was a nice man, although he never liked talking about it, he said I looked just like her once and that was about it.
ENZO
I can see why he never liked talking about it.
ROD
I know it’s silly, but sometimes I felt sort of guilty over it. I don’t think I was cut out for being a vampire.
ENZO
Is anyone? Also, it was the 18th century, things weren’t as sanitary back then. There’s no one to blame in that situation, really.
ROD
Vicenta was really the only adult female figure I had, positive or otherwise. Oh my gosh… I think I may have mommy issues.
ENZO
Okay, you mentioning Vicenta in that context made me feel icky, I don’t like that. We should probably go track down Finley or we won’t hear the end of it from Horace.
ROD
Si, she seemed really finicky to us about looking for him.
ENZO
(SNICKER) Finicky. Finny.
Rod GIGGLES.
Rod and Enzo notice a slightly disoriented Finley behind them walking down the attic ladder.
ENZO (CON’T)
Hey, there you are, we were looking for you. Well, we were about to start looking for you.
FINLEY
Oh, yeah, no, I was just sitting on the roof for some reason. Where’s Lionel?
ROD
We were told he was driving your mother back home, he should be back in a few. We had heard that the dinner didn’t go so well.
ENZO
Yeah, sucks man.
FINLEY
What dinner? And what do you mean, ‘looking for me’? Also, what the hell was my mom doing here?
ENZO
…We thought Horace went up to the attic to look for you… why were you on the roof exactly?
FINLEY
I don’t really know.
Rod and Enzo look at each other worryingly.
ROD
Finley? Where’s Horace?
FINLEY
Oh, yeah, he’s um… sorry, but who’s Horace?
END CREDITS.
Notes:
TO BE CONTINUED
:3
so :3
did you like it :3
Chapter 10: 2X10: Like, "I Love You"
Summary:
Finley doesn't remember anything from the night before. Horace tries living life on the lamb.
Notes:
CW: implied suicide attempt, implied SA attempt (the guy dies before he could do anything dw it's just a reference to the pilot episode), gay people generally having a hard time, car crash aftermath, brief body horror, nightmare fuel (?).
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Like, ‘I Love You’
EXT. ROWHOUSE - NIGHT
Shot of the rowhouse.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Enzo and Rod are standing parallel to Finley. They don’t believe what he just said.
ROD
What do you mean, who’s Horace ?
FINLEY
I mean, who's Horace? I’ve never heard of the guy.
ENZO
He’s about this tall, bald, black cravat around his neck, bit of a dad bod going on, uh, presumably great tits, I haven’t really checked so I’m just assuming.
ROD
He’s
our
housemate?
My
best friend? Enzo’s strange frenemy with benefits type deal?
ENZO
Sorry, what?
ROD
Your potential boyfriend?
FINLEY
Not ringing any bells, no, and the hell do you mean boyfriend?
Beat.
ENZO
…How do I put this lightly? Wow, this is gonna be tough to explain…
ROD
He invited your parents over for dinner, but then things went badly because your dad died of a heart attack and was dumped in the dark and spooky chamber.
FINLEY
I’m pretty sure I’d remember something like that happening. Are you guys on something? If so, can I have some? (YAWN) Man, I’m so sleepy, I’m gonna head in for a bit.
Finley walks past them and goes into Horace’s room and closes the door.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD & ENZO
Rod and Enzo are sitting on the couch.
ROD
This is terrible!
ENZO
They had to have planned some sort of sick joke, there’s no fucking way. Any moment now, Horace is gonna pop out from a corner or something.
ROD (TO ENZO)
(Panic)
What if he’s not?! What if he’s gone for good?! Just when I got over my ex!
ENZO
(Denial)
Maybe Finley will call bluff! Just to mess with us!
Finley comes out of Horace’s room in his ROBE and boxers. And he has a tummy and happy trail and oh lord his legs-
FINLEY
Hey, guys, check out this cool robe I found! Also, can someone explain this weird painting of me in fancy clothes and slicked back side part?
Finley holds up the ALASTAIR PAINTING.
ROLL CREDITS.
EXT. DARK WOODS - ONE NIGHT LATER
The camera steps out of the van and walks along the road in night vision.
THEO (O.S)
So, how can you be sure he’s here?
BAILEY (O.S)
Well, for one, he forgot to turn his location off.
CLEO (O.S)
I think I see something. Right there.
The camera pans over to a faraway LARGE LEAF PILE. The camera zooms in on it.
BAILEY (O.S)
It just looks like a pile of leaves.
The pile starts to RUSTLE. Horace, who was in the pile, sits up, spitting leaves out his mouth.
HORACE
I should’ve gone with a cave.
Horace notices the camera.
HORACE (CON’T)
Oh. It’s you. Hold on, I’m coming over.
Horace stands up from the pile and brushes leaves off of him.
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVIEW WITH HORACE - INTERCUT
Horace stands in front of a tree.
HORACE
I’m living life on the lamb now. It just got too much for me in society. You could say I’m starting all over again.
Montage of Horace wallowing around the forest miserably. He repeatedly hits his head on a tree.
HORACE (V.O)
I just realized that I can’t let myself be stuck in the past.
END MONTAGE
HORACE
I’ve been keeping myself busy with some light reading. I’m already on the last page.
Horace holds up the SONG OF ACHILLES BOOK, and opens to the last page. He frowns more and more as he reads. He tosses the book behind him and SNIFFS.
HORACE (CON’T)
(Shakey)
That ending was utter shit.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
Horace spies on a WILD RABBIT from behind a tree.
HORACE (V.O)
Finding nourishment hasn’t been easy.
Horace pounces on the rabbit. He holds it up in triumph.
HORACE
Got you, you little rab-bitch!
Horace takes a good look into its big, wet eyes. It starts to remind him of Rod.
He SIGHS, then sets the rabbit down and watches it sprint away.
HORACE (V.O)
But I can manage on my own. I’ve done it for well over hundreds of years, I’m sure I can pull it off now.
Horace gets sprayed by a skunk.
HORACE
Ah! Shit! It smells like it too!
He hears a BEAR LIKE GROWL, then books it off screen.
HORACE (CON’T)
Nope, fuck that. This is worse than that Puerto Rican rainforest!
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - MEANWHILE
Finley sits at the table in Horace’s robe, eating CEREAL, while Enzo and Rod watch him, awkwardly and fiercely, respectively.
Finley looks up and notices them watching him.
FINLEY
You guys want some?
ROD
(Gravelly)
Vampires cannot consume cereal.
FINLEY
M’kay. What’s their problem?
ENZO
What happened to you guys last night?
FINLEY
Uh, I don’t know. I want to say I got really wasted but I don’t feel hungover or anything. Was Horace our dealer or something?
Rod snaps and SLAMS the table, lunges towards Finley and tackles him to the ground. They fly up a foot and pin his back to the wall in a fit of rage, grabbing the ROBE in their fists.
ROD
(Furious)
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HIM LEAVE?!
FINLEY
(Scared shitless)
WHAT THE SHIT?! PUT ME DOWN!
ROD
I WILL IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME!
Enzo sprays Rod in the face with his SPRAY BOTTLE, and Rod drops Finley to the ground on his ass.
FINLEY
Um, OW!
ROD
Did you just spray me?!
ENZO
(Sprays them again)
Eh, no, bad.
ROD
Stop that!
FINLEY
Yeah, get them, Enzo!
ENZO
(Spraying Finley)
Shut up. Bad.
FINLEY
Ah! I’m on your side, dipshit!
Finley stands up.
ENZO
Okay, clearly something has happened last night, and neither of us knows what, so let’s all shut the fuck up and settle this like adults for once.
ROD
That’s gonna be real freaking hard without Horace around.
FINLEY
Who is Horace?!
ROD
Like you wouldn’t know!
ENZO
Literally, what did I just fucking say?!
Enzo sprays them both again, then they both tackle Enzo to the ground and fight offscreen.
CUT TO:
The camera takes turns individually showing Enzo, Finley, and Rod sitting at the table all covered in cuts and bruises, all on edge.
ROD
This can’t go on. Finley, what happened between you and Horace?
FINLEY
Again, I don’t know what happened, nor do I know who the fuck Horace is.
ENZO
What did you do to make him leave?
FINLEY
Why don’t you ask that camera guy over there the same question?!
Enzo and Finley GROWL at each other, then Rod HISSES. Then they all get an idea. They slowly turn their heads and look into the camera, dead into the viewers souls.
They get up from the tables and chase the camera man down.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The camera man runs into the living room and up the stairs.
He gets jump scared by Rod, phasing through the wall and grabbing the camera and trying to pull it away.
ROD
[Give us the camera!]
Enzo and Finley pull the camera man away offscreen and he accidentally lets go of the camera.
Rod holds up the camera, showing Finley and Enzo holding the camera man by the arms.
ROD (O.S)
I got it! Does anyone know how this contraption works, exactly?
Enzo and Finley glance at each other. Enzo shakes his head.
FINLEY
Do we need to?
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK FOREST - MEANWHILE
Horace is trying to sleep, his legs hanging onto a tree branch. He SNORES loudly. A FEMALE SCREAM makes him wake with a jolt, and he falls from the branch onto the ground.
HORACE
Fuck! I’m too old for this nonsense. I miss my coffin, my robe, my pleasurables, Finny… no, NO! You will NOT pine for a man! Where’s a genderless little Hispanic vampire when you need consolation?
OFF SCREEN VOICE
(Faraway)
Oh my GOD, we get it!
Horace turns his head and becomes terrified. The camera also turns that same direction and sees a GIANT WENDIGO (With Jane Lynche’s voice) in the distance.
Horace immediately gets up and tries to run away, but runs into a tree and falls back. The Giant Wendigo stands over him.
GIANT WENDIGO
Look, just so you know, this isn’t personal.
HORACE
What isn’t?
GIANT WENDIGO
Me eating you.
The Giant Wendigo unhinges their jaw, as Horace pleads SCREAMS.
GIANT WENDIGO
Wait a damn minute, are those fangs?!
HORACE
(Fearfully)
Yes, I am a vampire!
GIANT WENDIGO
Have you eaten anyone in these woods? Like, in the past day or something.
HORACE
Not recently, no.
GIANT WENDIGO
Goddammit! Okay, I guess you can live. Can’t believe I ran all this way over here for jack shit.
Giant Wendigo goes to leave as Horace sits up.
HORACE
Wait, what are you?
GIANT WENDIGO
Dude, I’m like, the internet's most popular monster. Then again, you don’t look like you use the internet. I’ll just assume you don’t; I’m a wendigo, an Indigenous myth that eats people who also eat people, as punishment or something, and I get their voices too. I can also do this:
Giant Wendigo makes an inhuman, maddening SHRIEK, which causes Horace to cover his ears. It causes the mic to lose connection for a bit.
GIANT WENDIGO (CON’T)
Cool, right? I’m usually out during the colder months but I’m meeting up with some guys for a bonfire.
HORACE
…Which tribes are you a part of?
GIANT WENDIGO
Let’s see, uh, Algonquian, Ojibwe, Eastern Cree, Swampy Cree, like a ton- what am I even doing here? I’m gonna be late. Wanna come?
HORACE
M-me?
GIANT WENDIGO
Yeah, fuck it. Name’s Wendy, or Wendall, depending on who’s voice I steal.
They start to leave together.
HORACE
I am Horace.
WENDY
Can I eat the camera crew?
HORACE
I’d advise against it.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Rod, Enzo, and Finley (now fully clothed) are trying to hook the LAPTOP up to the television.
FINLEY
Okay, footage from the camera is uploaded, now we just have to hook it up to the TV.
ROD
I believe I should do the honors.
Rod goes to the television to grab a CORD, but Enzo stops them.
ENZO
Hold it, I think I should do it, what do you know about technology?
ROD
I’ve been alive for the literal birth of electricity, I think I can figure out which cord connects to a tiny metal book.
ENZO
You made the first television catch on fire.
ROD
It was old and defective!
FINLEY
Now, now, I think I should find the cord, I am the oldest after all.
ENZO
What kind of bullshit?
ROD
I’m literally hundreds of years older than either of you combined.
FINLEY
Younger people are more tech savvy, that’s just fact.
ENZO
We are one year apart from each other.
FINLEY
Well, mentally , I am the oldest. I was the eldest brother in my family, what were you two?
ENZO
Youngest brother?
ROD
Only child?
FINLEY
Exactly, move.
Finley tries moving past them and is promptly blocked. They all start getting into a heated argument and YELL over each other. (Improv)
Princey Fluffernutter walks up and frustratedly shoves them all to the ground, then goes to the television and grabs the correct CORD and plugs it into the LAPTOP.
The television turns on with a loading screen appearing.
Rod, Enzo, and Finley all sit up in pain, and watch as Princey Fluffernutter mimes to them by covering his ears, pointing to them, shushing himself, then dragging his finger along his throat, GRUNTING after each movement.
PRINCEY FLUFFERNUTTER
(Making himself clear)
Hmm?
ENZO
Y-yeah, we hear- SEE you. We see you.
FINLEY
Loud and clear.
Princey Fluffernutter takes Rod’s BOWLER HAT, puts it on, and puts his hands behind his back, mimicking Lionel Garnier.
ROD
You want to know where Lionel Garnier is? He- he’s away, but he’ll be back soon.
Princey Fluffernutter puts the BOWLER HAT back on Rod, then walks away, but pauses, points at Finley, then pats his stomach, and makes a chef’s kiss. He promptly returns to the dark and spooky chamber.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Rod and Enzo stand as Finley sits on the couch in between them. Rod is figuring out how to use the TV REMOTE.
ROD (V.O)
We are going through the documentary footage to see what exactly happened between Horace and Finley yesterday.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERVIEW WITH ROD - INTERCUT
ROD
We can only assume they had a fight and Finley’s just being petty by not acknowledging him, which is just so funny. That was sarcasm, by the way.
FINLEY (O.S)
Fuck off, you’re the one being petty!
ENZO (O.S)
Both of you, shut the fuck up.
ROD (TO CAMERA)
(Desperate)
Horace, if you’re watching this, we really need you back.
CUT TO:
Rod clicks a button on the TV REMOTE.
ROD
Okay, I think I got it. Here’s… the pilot episode? I don’t remember doing any flying in that episode.
ENZO
That’s not what it means, just skip forward.
Rod fast forwards through the pilot until they reach the part where Finley and Horace first meet.
FINLEY
Wait, stop the video! I think I’ve seen that guy before!
ENZO
Oh my god, really?
ROD
What else do you remember?
FINLEY
I remember seeing that weird poster in the trash, and fighting Enzo over the spare room. Really dodged a bullet there.
ENZO
I thought this was about trying to help you remember what happened last night.
FINLEY
And he gave me this nickname. Fin something… Finny! It was Finny!
ROD
You’re remembering!
ENZO
Great, now skip forward to last night!
ROD
I don’t think I can, it can only fast forward.
FINLEY
Um…
They all look at the television screen which shows Horace killing Ben Adams. They all become disturbed.
ROD
I can’t believe this.
FINLEY
My dad was friends with that guy…
ENZO
He won’t hurt you. There’s a special place in hell for him.
FINLEY
…Let’s just keep watching.
Rod fast forwards on the television.
CUT TO:
EXT. BONFIRE IN DARK WOODS
The camera shows Wendy and Horace walking from behind.
WENDY
Are you sure bringing this camera crew is safe?
HORACE
Please, they’re as harmless as bees in smoke.
WENDY
Oh, no, I meant safe for them.
HORACE
That I can’t answer.
They approach a blazing fire pit with two logs around it. There are two people already sitting there, the ghost of EUNICE ‘GOODY’ COLE, a woman who was tried for being a witch in the 1600’s, who also has a giant stake through her heart; and a WOODS DEVIL, a sasquatch like creature that’s skinnier, is 7 feet tall, and has grayer fur. They chill as hell.
WENDY
‘Sup bitches, save me a seat?
GOODY
Yeah, sure, over here. Nice voice, is it new?
WENDY
Yeah, I 86’d some lady hiking in the woods for it. Oh, and this is Horace, he’ll be joining us tonight, he’s a vampire.
HORACE
Hello, there.
GOODY COLE
Hey, I’m Eunice Goody Cole, most people call me Goody, much to my chagrin.
HORACE
(Amazed)
As in, the Goody Cole? The only convicted witch in New Hampshire?
GOODY COLE
T’is I, you a fan?
HORACE
To say that I am a fan would be an understatement! Can I sit here please?
GOODY COLE
(Chill as hell)
Yeah, sure.
Horace sits down next to GOODY.
HORACE
I had forgotten what I was sad about!
WENDY
You were sad about something?
Horace doesn’t answer. There’s a long silence, only accompanied by the CRACKLE of the fire.
HORACE
So… what are we doing?
WENDY
Just pondering the flames.
GOODY
You’re supposed to lose yourself in them.
Horace stares into fire, and starts to lose himself in it.
HORACE
I wish the others were here for this.
Beat.
GOODY
So, fuck men, am I right?
WENDY
Fuck men, horny? Or fuck men, angry?
GOODY
Fuck men, pissed . No offense.
HORACE
Absolutely none taken.
WENDY
Spill.
GOODY
Okay, so there I am, 1656, being accused of a witch or whatnot, I’m just chilling, and out of buttfuck nowhere, I’m given the choice to either serve a life behind bars, or wipe my husband's ass for his entire life.
WENDY
No!
GOODY
Yeah! Chose the latter, jail was more trouble than it’s worth, we were both old as shit by 1600’s standards.
Goody’s voice trails off as the camera focuses on Horace gloomily staring into the fire.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Rod, Finley, and Enzo are still watching the footage, getting extremely fatigued.
FINLEY
We’ve been fast forwarding the footage for an hour.
ROD
I can’t believe I had to subject myself to Vicenta again.
ENZO
I can’t believe I had to subject myself to you whoring Horace out to some guy.
FINLEY
Y’know, I think there’s a reason why I forgot all this stuff.
ROD
You remember everything as of what’s on the television?
FINLEY
Yeah, but I’m too screen-fatigued to be ecstatic about it. So, he’s my best mate that I had a falling out with, apparently? Wait, pause there.
Finley sits up and leans forward as Rod pauses the television, which shows a still image of Finley looking at Horace talking to Sean, with a yearning in them.
ENZO
Who’s that?
FINLEY
Never mind that, skip forward a bit.
Rod fast forwards to the part where they’re all star gazing, and Finley’s looking at Horace with a yearning look on his face.
ENZO
Oh my god…
FINLEY
(Stunned)
That was the moment I fell in love with him…
ROD
I know this sounds crazy, but based on what we’ve watched, I think you’ve also been in love with Horace for quite a while. You cried in the back rooms when you thought he was gone for good.
ENZO
Plus when you offered to share a birthday with him.
FINLEY
So I’d finally have something to look forward to on my birthday. Wow… I was a fucking idiot for not seeing it sooner.
ROD & ENZO
Yup.
FINLEY
But why would he leave? Did he confess but I didn’t take it well? Did I say something that he took to heart? Or could he just not take my obliviousness anymore?
ENZO
There’s only one way to find out.
ROD
I’m sure that whatever happened, we will find him and fix this.
FINLEY
Being gay’s really hard… no pun intended. Let’s keep watching.
ROD
(Dread)
Oh, great, the Unholy Masquerade. Fast forward.
CUT TO:
EXT. BONFIRE IN DARK WOODS
Wendy is in the middle of telling her man story, as Horace continues silently pining.
WENDY
Yeah, so, moral of the story, fuck Jack Fiddler. He did not have to take credit for those fourteen wendigos dropping like flies, literally every fucking human being back then huffed mercury and coal like it was glue. He can eat shit and die. Twice.
Goody and The Woods Devil SNAP like they’re at a slam poetry night.
WENDY (CON’T)
Yeah, so that’s my man story. (TO HORACE) Hey, what’s going on? You’ve been mopey all night.
HORACE
(Lying)
Me? Oh, no I’m doing just fine.
GOODY
Are you? Be honest, babe, how are you doing? This is a safe space.
HORACE
Well… it’s about a man.
WENDY
I fucking knew it, what ever happened to “Men are supposed to ruin lipstick, not mascara”?
WOODS DEVIL
Marylin was honestly so real for saying that.
GOODY
What did he do to you, sweetheart?
HORACE
N- no, he didn’t do anything, it’s what I did to him.
WENDY
What could you have possibly done to him to make you act like thi-
HORACE
(Hysterical)
I invited his parents over to eat them, but I didn’t know they were his parents, so we had to eat dinner with them and they were just horrible, then he… said some ‘things’ that caused his father to have a heart attack and drop dead, which was honestly deserved but it was all so sudden for him, then he went on this tangent about how I helped realize who he really was… that was when everything went wrong.
GOODY
(Soothing)
What did you do?
HORACE
I kissed him. My stupid mouth kissed his stupid mouth, and he just jumped back and stared at me. So, I did the only thing I could do… by erasing all of his memories of me and running away, never to see him again.
Beat.
WENDY
Jesus.
HORACE
I was so excited to be with someone for more than just sex, to love and be loved by, to have and to hold, that I rushed into it. Now, I can’t even face him anymore. Oh, and me ditching the only best friend I’ve ever had who has fucking abandonment issues is just the cherry on top of this shit sundae. I can’t ever go back.
Horace slowly stands up.
HORACE (CON’T)
I want to thank all of you for letting me sit with you and spew out all my misfortunes. I apologize for clouding your night with these hardships, so now I shall go. I bid thee, a fair night to all.
He takes a few steps away from the fire.
GOODY
Well, we’ll still be here if you need to talk.
HORACE
(Foreboding)
I don’t think that will be necessary.
Horace disappears into the woods.
WENDY
So, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat the camera crew.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
Rod, Finley, and Enzo uncomfortably watch Finley coming out to his dad. Rod and Enzo are standing again. Rod pauses the television.
ENZO
Shlonking down silly style???
ROD
I think I can pinpoint what the fight was about.
FINLEY
Not exactly how I thought my confession would go…
ENZO
(Worried)
Are you like… okay?
FINLEY
(Casual)
I mean my dad was a neglectful dick who had it coming.
ROD
Did you actually do all that stuff?
FINLEY
I’ve only been semi-openly gay for like three weeks, I just said all that stuff to get a reaction out of him, and I did. Man, dude was so homophobic the mere mention of gay sex killed him. I think we’re almost at the roof scene, unpause it.
Rod unpauses the television. They get to the part where Lionel says ‘happy birthday to me’.
ROD
Wait, it was Lionel Garnier’s birthday?
ENZO (TO FINLEY)
Did you know about this?
FINLEY
No, he never told me! I would’ve gotten him something.
ROD
Shh!
They all watch the roof scene. Make commentary here and there.
FINLEY (O.S)
See, there we are on the roof.
ROD (O.S)
(Repeating)
You brought out the real me?
ENZO (O.S)
(Joking)
Maybe he left because that line was so corny.
FINLEY (O.S)
Dude, shut u-
They all go silent when Horace kisses Finley; and when Finley pulls back in shock; and when Horace hypnotizes Finley; and when Horace leaves.
The camera pans around to show Rod and Enzo, frozen with shock.
The camera pans down to Finley, eyes wide, welling up with tears.
FINLEY (CON’T)
(Quavering)
I remember everything…
CUT TO:
Enzo and Rod are trying to wrap this around their heads, pacing around the room, while Finley sits on the couch, disassociating.
ENZO
So, it wasn’t even a fight, he just left!
ROD
Why? Why?! Finley was going to confess anyway, why didn’t he?
ENZO
Are you hearing yourself? Of course Horace would sabotage his own relationship.
ROD
What are you talking about? Horace would never do something like this!
ENZO
His partner died because he wasn’t there, he invited Finley’s shitty parents which brought up a traumatic amount of info, and just advanced himself onto him. The guy’s dad died right in front of him after, nay, because he came out to him. What was he expecting?! He left, because he was afraid of getting hurt again, just like when that Alastair guy died!
ROD
Don’t you dare say another fucking word about him!
Rod immediately covers their mouth.
ENZO
(Taken aback)
Okay. I’ll stop.
Finley SNIFFS. His face is drenched in tears.
FINLEY
(Quivering)
I didn’t kiss him back. It’s my fault he’s gone.
Rod and Enzo sit down next to Finley to comfort him, as he hides his face with his hand. Enzo puts his arm around Finley.
Finley looks up, now hell-bent on finding him. He runs upstairs and goes into Horace’s room. He comes out, holding Horace’s ROBE and sniffing it.
FINLEY (CON’T)
His scent is still on this. We have to go find him.
ENZO
But tonight’s gonna be a full moon!
FINLEY
I don’t care, I’m going to find the new love of my life, no matter what it takes. Do you have an extra pair of track pants?
CUT TO:
INT. ENZO’S CAR - LATER
Enzo is driving his car in the dark woods, with Finley in the front and Rod in the back.
FINLEY
Keep driving, we’re getting close.
ROD
We’ve been driving for miles, I can’t even recognize where we are anymore.
FINLEY
A mile more, is a mile closer. Enzo, pull over.
ENZO
Thank god, I can feel the transformation happening.
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK WOODS - MOMENTS LATER
Finley, mid transformation, hops out of the car, takes his flannel off and ties it around his waist.
Enzo, also mid transformation, runs off into the woods.
Rod flies out of the car.
ROD
(Shouting)
Horace!
Were-Finley, now fully transformed, runs out into the woods.
Were- Finley stops, and finds the SONG OF ACHILLES BOOK on the ground. He sniffs it, then runs away.
CUT TO:
EXT. BONFIRE IN THE DARK WOODS - CONTINUOUS
Were-Finley runs past the bonfire. Goody, Wendy, and Woods Devil look in bewilderment.
WENDY
Can I eat tha-
GOODY
NO!
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK WOODS - CONTINUOUS
Were-Finley keeps running, and running, and running. He starts to lose his breath, he looks around, starting to lose hope, then HOWLS.
A bear GROWLS at him and starts approaching him, then Were-Enzo tackles the bear from the side. Were-Finley just runs off.
CUT TO:
EXT. CLIFF - TWILIGHT
As the sky becomes twilight, Were-Finley, now in the middle of reverting back into a human, stumbles and catches himself on a tree. He looks up and we see Horace near the edge of the cliff, solemnly staring off into the horizon as the sky becomes brighter.
Were-Finley totters over to Horace, then falls to his hands and knees, exhausted.
Horace turns his head and does a double take when he sees Finley, now human again, all disheveled looking and his tank top all ripped up, HEAVING.
HORACE
Finny?
Finley looks up at Horace, as if a lowly mortal were bestowed upon a god above gods. Finley pushes himself up forward, shoots like a bullet for Horace, and gathers him in his arms.
They both stumble back due to Finley's sheer force and desperation. Finley holds Horace tightly, burying himself into his every being.
Finley pulls back, and holds Horace’s face in his hands, studying it. He LAUGHS from the pure joy and relief of finding him.
Horace grabs onto Finley’s arms, and looks at Finley as if he weren’t real, a dream.
Finley then brings him in for a deep, breathy kiss.
They pull apart, both taking a breath, with tear streaks down their faces; ones with salt, and ones with blood.
Horace realizes that this is real.
Finley pulls him in for a softer kiss. Horace wraps his arms around Finley’s shoulders and comes in closer.
The camera looks up at the starry sky surrounding them.
FADE TO:
Finley and Horace are sitting closely at the edge of the cliff in silence.
HORACE
So, you watched all of the documentary footage to find me, and it made you remember everything?
Finley nods.
FINLEY
Why did you hypnotize me?
HORACE
…I couldn’t handle seeing the face of the man I once loved look at me like I hurt them.
FINLEY
But I’m not Alastair. I’m Finley Jones. At your service.
HORACE
I know that, I just have trouble trying to accept it.
FINLEY
(Guilty)
And you didn’t hurt me… I’m sorry I didn’t kiss back.
HORACE
What? No, this was all my doing, I misconstrued the situation and advanced myself onto you.
FINLEY
Look, I really want this to work, and I know you do too, more than anything, but everything was happening so fast, and it keeps happening so fast. I really want to be with you… you’ve made me feel things I’ve never felt before, but it also means I have no idea what to do with those feelings.
Finley inches most of his hand onto Horace’s hand.
FINLEY (CON’T)
So, can we, um… can we take it slow?
Horace holds Finley’s hand.
HORACE
I can do slow.
They smile at each other. Horace raises his other hand to touch Finley’s cheek but hesitates, unsure if he should.
Finley presses Horace’s hand to his cheek, and they share another kiss.
FINLEY
Fair warning, my attention span is that of an Ipad kid’s without its Ipad, so…
Horace CHUCKLES. Finley likes making him do that.
FINLEY (CON’T)
We should probably leave soon, the sun’s about to rise.
HORACE
Let’s stay for just a minute.
FINLEY
Dude, in just a minute you’ll turn into burnt cheese.
HORACE
(Humourous)
Teasing already? I thought you said we’d take it slow.
FINLEY
Dude.
Horace LAUGHS again.
ROD (O.S)
Horace?! HORACE!
We hear footsteps running towards them. Horace immediately stands up.
HORACE
Rod?!
Rod tackles Horace off the cliff, clinging onto him, but they float so they’re fine.
ROD
(Sobbing)
DON’T YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN!
HORACE
I- I won’t!
FINLEY
Uh, guys-
ROD
WE ARE HAVING A MOMENT!
CUT TO:
EXT - DARK WOODS - DAY
Finley trudges through the woods, the sun shining through the trees.
He has Bat-Horace and Bat-Rod cradled in his FLANNEL.
He stops in his tracks then looks down to see Enzo lying face first on the ground, GROANING.
FINLEY
Hey, dipshit. We found him. We’re dating now. They’re cradled in my flannel, look.
We hear a few BAT SQUEAKS. Enzo gives a thumbs up.
ENZO
(Muffled)
I fought a bear. I totally made it eat shit.
FINLEY
(Muttered)
Talk about friendly fire.
ENZO
(Muffled)
Could you drag me back to the car?
Finley grabs Enzo’s leg and drags him on the ground.
CUT TO:
INT. ENZO’S CAR - LATER
Finley and Horace are in the back seat cuddling, Finley’s FLANNEL blocking the sun on the window.
Rod and Enzo glance at the two and smile fondly.
ENZO
I guess that storyline is finally over.
Rod then notices something out their window. It’s Marjorie, walking on the side of the road, looking shell shocked.
ROD
Oh my gosh, Finley, look!
FINLEY
What? What is it?
ROD
I think that’s your mother wandering on the side of the road.
ENZO
Oh my god!
Finley and Horace immediately sit up.
FINLEY
What the- Enzo, pull over and help me check if she’s fine.
HORACE
(Fear)
Wait! I-... Don’t go.
FINLEY
(Reassuring)
Hey, it will only take a minute, I’ll be near the car. M’kay?
Finley kisses Horace on the forehead, then he and Enzo get out of the car.
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK WOODS - MOMENTS LATER
Finley and Enzo check up on Marjorie, who briefly freaks out.
FINLEY
Mom, mom, it’s me!
ENZO
What the hell happened to you?
MARJORIE
(Freaked out)
I- I don’t know, Lionel Garnier was driving but then he started getting all fatigued and I think took a wrong turn, then he wouldn’t stop farting , oh god, the farting , and he passed out, then we crashed into a tree, and-
FINLEY
Wait, you guys crashed?! Enzo, get her into the car, now! Where's the Bentley?
MARJORIE
Down there, but I’ve been walking since dawn, and-
Finley starts sprinting down the road.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAR CRASH - MOMENTS LATER
Finley stops at the spot and finds the Bentley, having crashed into a tree. Lionel Garnier’s body is still in the front seat.
Finley runs to the wreckage.
FINLEY
Lionel! No, no, no, no! I can’t lose you too!
Finley opens the passenger door, only to reveal that Lionel Garnier’s dead corpse has a huge bloody chasm in his chest. The camera zooms in on his open WALLET, containing a picture of YOUNG FINLEY sitting happily next to Lionel Garnier, who looks the exact same, like he’s never aged.
FINLEY (CON’T)
Holy…
He hears BABY NOISES. Finley walks around the car, and off in the distance, sees a freakish, naked BABY LIONEL GARNIER sitting in a pile of leaves with a blood trail in the grass leading to it.
Baby Lionel Garnier looks up at Finley, then SNEEZES.
FINLEY (CON’T)
(Horror)
What the FU-
END CREDITS.
Notes:
CLIFF HANGER BITCHES
SEE Y'ALL IN SEASON 3
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