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Chapter Text

Shen Yuan found Peak lord meetings to be like those meetings people living in the same apartment building have to deal with. Where individuals who hate each other are stuck in a room for way too long complaining in circles, thankfully the original goods wasn’t exactly known for taking part in those complaints (unless he was the reason for them) so Shen Yuan could spend the hours zoning out, doing peak lord work or looking through what the system had to offer. 

During a really long meeting where he had no more work to be done, Shen Yuan discovered that his system could link up with Shang Qinghua's which allowed the two transmigrators to chat in a feature that, quite honestly, looked like a rip-off of the Facebook messenger app.

While Shen Yuan only used the feature during emergencies, Shang Qinghua didn’t seem to share his ideals.

Airplane-bro: Fuck marry kill

Cucumber-bro: Fuck you

Airplane-bro: I’m not an option rn

Airplane-bro: Yue Qingyuan, Liu Qingge & Qi Qingqi

Cucumber-bro: Damn.

Cucumber-bro: well, twist my arm, I’d fuck lqg cuz hes pretty 

Cucumber-bro: also I really couldn’t handle being married to that brute and also becz I saved his life so he’s not allowed do die 

Airplane-bro: valid

Airplane-bro: he’s probably a really pretty crier

Cucumber-bro: pretty pretty boy

Airplane-bro: what what abt qqq ya gay boy 

Airplane-bro: she’s pretty

Cucumber-bro: fuck you mean by that I’m straight??

Cucumber-bro: straight as they come

Airplane-bro: do you even hear yourself 

Airplane-bro: ANYWAYS I’ll let you believe that rn continue pls 

Cucumber-bro: Let me??

Airplane-bro: get on with it

Cucumber-bro: but like qqq would totally eat me up

Cucumber-bro: and not in a good way

Airplane-bro: fax 

Cucumber-bro: she’d castrate me in my sleep

Airplane-bro: no more like she’d cut your dick off right before the wedding so that she could claim you were incapable of upholding your marital duties and then elope with her handmaiden

Cucumber-bro: HAHAA

Cucumber-bro: TOTALLY

Cucumber-bro: she’d totally do that hahaha

Airplane-bro: your poor dick ahahahaaaaa

Airplane-bro: so marry yqy?

Cucumber-bro: Fuck 

Airplane-bro: your poor asshole

Cucumber-bro: bro no wtf 

Airplane-bro: why not???? 

Airplane-bro: hes rich as shit and obsessed with you

Cucumber-bro: yeah bcz of shit reasons airplane

Cucumber-bro: that Qi-ge backstory is shit bro

Cucumber-bro: I’ll never forgive

Cucumber-bro: and never forget

Airplane-bro: much forget

Airplane-bro: very forgive 

Cucumber-bro: bro…

Cucumber-bro: also he suxs balls

Airplane-bro: damn. you speaking from experience?

Cucumber-bro: fuck you

Airplane-bro: your peak or mine ;)

Cucumber-bro: you insufferable hack of an author

Cucumber-bro: I wouldn’t let you within 10 feet of my dick

Airplane-bro: bro we’re sitting like 7 feet from each other

Cucumber-bro: no the fuck we’re not you idiot

Airplane-bro: idfk bro what the fuck are feet in meters?

Airplane-bro: wtf is up with Americans

Cucumber-bro: I really don’t give a shit about America, airplane

Airplane-bro: who does?

Cucumber-bro: lol

Airplane-bro: so you’d marry qqq?

Cucumber-bro: ugh ig??

Cucumber-bro: but qqq also suxs balls 

Airplane-bro: more like suxs tits

Cucumber-bro: lmaooo

Airplane-bro: I wouldn’t want to come within 3 m of her 

Cucumber-bro: …

Cucumber-bro: did you just ask the system what 10 feet is in meters…

Airplane-bro: ya

Airplane-bro: don’t look at me like that bro

Airplane-bro: finish the game

Airplane-bro: I SAW THAT EYE ROLL

Cucumber-bro: tsk

Cucumber-bro: ig I’ll have to settle for the hot rich guy that’s obsessed with me

Airplane-bro: damn “settle” for the dedicated rich guy with the huge schlong 

Cucumber-bro: forreal?

Cucumber-bro: he packin?

Airplane-bro: why do you care you “straight man”

Cucumber-bro: purely because other mens pillar sizes never came up in the book

Cucumber-bro: like can you change stuff now or did you write somewhere that yqy has a huge pillar (only rivaled by binghe)

Airplane-bro: fuck if I know

Cucumber-bro: bro bro bro give Liu Qingge smth stupid that we can easily drag out of him so we’ll see if it’s true

Airplane-bro: THATS A GREAT IDEA

Airplane-bro: what tho?

Cucumber-bro: damn.

Cucumber-bro: lice?

Airplane-bro: lice?!?

Cucumber-bro: don’t me put on the spot like that man

Airplane-bro: YOU PUT YOURSELF THERE

Airplane-bro: no but like dude do you want lice? The mans is breathing down your neck youd totally get infected 

Cucumber-bro: he’s not-

He was…

Shen Qingqiu turned his head and there was Liu Qingge with his annoyingly beautiful face way too fucking close to his neck. He trampled down a visceral reaction and hid behind his fan. “Do you need something, shidi?”

“No! Just,“ he hesitated, “you smell?”

Airplane-bro: DID HE JUST SAY YOU STINK?!???!!!!

Airplane-bro: HAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHA

If I stink then why the fuck are you all up in my business? Shen Yuan screeched in his mind. But unfortunately, because he had to uphold his untouchable immortal vibe he merely shot his martial brother a glare.

“And what, I ask, are you implying?”

Airplane-bro: STINKY BOY STINKY BOY

Airplane-bro: he says ur stinky 

Liu Qingge huffed and scooted back to his seat as elegantly as an embarrassed martial lord could, which was unfortunately not a lot.

Airplane-bro: n e ways

Airplane-bro: I could maybe give him lice

Cucumber-bro: shut the fuck up

Airplane-bro: sure stinky

Chapter Text

musty: bro 

musty: cucumber

musty: Shen Yuan

musty: brooo

musty: BROOOOOO

stinky: WHAT

musty: guess what

stinky: no fuck you

musty: you know if you continue to treat me like that I’ll just not let you enjoy the fruits of my labour

stinky: ugh what

stinky: just tell me

musty: I just got the t-shirt shipment 

stinky: shut

stinky: the front door

stinky: T-SHIRTS?!?!!!!

stinky: SHOW ME

stinky: NOW

musty: dude I am Not moving

musty: even for you

musty: I’m way too fucking comfortable rn

musty: in my custom modern style fluffy bed and fluffy duvet in my custom boxer briefs and custom t-shirt 

musty: I will not be moving for the next year please and thank you

stinky: fuck you fuck you fuck you

stinky: why did you have to tell me now I’m in the middle of a meeting with Binghe and fucking Mobei-jun 

musty: lmao yeah that was today

stinky: why the Fuck aren’t you here suffering with me

musty: because I told my king that a REALLY IMPORTANT shipment VITAL TO MY HEALTH was coming today

musty: and did I lie?

musty: did I fucking lie?

stinky: you asshole

stinky: at least send me a pic

musty: damn risqué 

musty: didn’t know our relationship was like that

musty: I’m blushing

musty: “what are you wearing?” “oh! only one layer- no a half a layer”

stinky: shut the fuck up you slut

stinky: do you really think I find you even remotely attractive 

musty: damn no need to put it like that

musty: *pic*

Shang Qinghua was lying on his side, face smushed on his soft pillow, hair fanned out in a horrid rat's nest. One surprisingly hairy leg slung over the duvet and the arm hugging the cover was lifted up to the camera (system) flipping it the bird.

stinky: ew

musty: fuck you

stinky: I wouldn’t even come near that hairy leg of yours

stinky: I’d get lost in that forest

musty: SHUT UP why the fuck should I shave no ones even looking at body 

stinky: I’m looking

musty: you don’t count

stinky: true

stinky: but dude it’s so comfortable being hairless

stinky: everything is so soft and smooth and with cultivator bullshit you don’t even have to touch a razor. You don’t even have to think about it

musty: I should’ve known you were a baby abt pubes

stinky: f u mean b that bro

musty: I fucking knew you were a twink underneath those million layers of muscle suit robes

stinky: ITS YOUR FAULT I HAVE TO WEAR THIS SHIT YOU HACK

stinky: original goods apparently delighted in being boiled alive

musty: actually did you know that one of the few tortures Luo Binghe didn’t inflict on him was boiling him alive

stinky: oh shit forreal

musty: yeah he just froze him in the jar and burned it away with demon flames and then again and again and- yk 

stinky: …fuck

stinky: and that’s why I’m hugging his thighs

musty: yeah no other reason you’re hugging the muscular thighs of the protagonist

stinky: btw im breaking into your house and stealing your shit in a bit 

musty: oh yeah how’s the meeting

stinky: over

stinky: Mobei-jun fucked off idk 

musty: ???

stinky: idk what he said I don’t speak emo

musty: FUCK YOU MEAN BY THAT

stinky: I 

stinky: don’t 

stinky: speak

stinky: mumble

musty: MY KING DOESNT MUMBLE

musty: he’s very eloquent 

stinky: ofcs you’d say that you hack of an author

musty: and which one of us read the entirety of the others work

musty: said work being 300+ chapters of papapa and awesomeness

musty: cucumber you there?

musty: Yoohoo 

stinky: Mobei-jun apparently locked himself in his room there isn’t an emergency 

musty: THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY?????

stinky: no I just said that 

musty: BRO

musty: I NEED TO KNOW THIS STUFF

musty: WHY DID YOU THINK THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY?????

stinky: because your king ran away like his ass was on fire while in the middle of a meeting with the temperamental Luo Binghe the only man who has ever defeated him in combat and would kill him if he wanted to

musty: yeah it’s not like him to leave a meeting

musty: should I come and check on him

stinky: nah the servants said he said he doesn’t want any company for the rest of the night. He’s citing personal reasons

stinky: lmao what fucking personal life does that ice block have

musty: maybe I should come and check on him

stinky: do you want to be castrated by that man

stinky: he said, and I quote “anyone who comes near my wing will suffer”

stinky: yeah real eloquent 

stinky: a real play on words

musty: shut up he’s direct

stinky: lmao

stinky: hey heads up

musty: wut

Shen Qingqiu suddenly smashed through Shang Qinghua's (albeit shitty) wards like they were nothing and proceeded to make a ruckus in the living room.

The An Ding peak lord shot up from his bed and found the illustrious peak lord of Qing Jing on his knees with his robes shucked down to his navel rifling through boxes of t-shirts.

“Fucking hell, you’re skinny.”

“Shut up. This body was malnourished as a child, no thanks to you.” Shen Qingqiu continued messing up the carefully folded shirts.

“Sure, help yourself to my stuff, would you like some tea while you steal and plunder?”

“I’m not plundering, merely taking what I’m owed.”

“The fuck do I owe you?”

Shen Yuan gave him a look.

“Alright, alright! I mean there was a reason why I ordered so many shirts in your size.”

Shen Yuan perked up, a little smile threatening to break free. But, like the original goods, didn’t want to show gratitude and merely threw on the biggest shirt he could find and shucked off the rest of his robes.

Shang Qinghua shrieked and covered his eyes before the robes could even hit the floor “Dude! Pants!”

“I am wearing pants.” 

And he was. Immediately after being transmigrated into this shit Xianxia novel Shen Yuan had cut up the softest trousers he could find up to mid-thigh and had been using them as boxers/shorts for the times he wasn’t in the mood for wearing long thick trousers underneath the million layers of robes in the hot sweltering Chinese summer.

“Aw shit, sorry, you are. Lol, I’ve been here way too long.”

Shen Yuan cringed, “Please don’t say, LOL, in real life.”

“I’ll say LOL IRL if I want to, bro.”

“Ugh, you asshole.” Shen Qingqiu rolled his eyes and headed off to the bedroom. He wordlessly dropped down on the downy duvet and made himself at home.

“Yeah, sure, lay down on my bed when you haven’t even taken a bath you bitch.”

Shen Yuan merely gave him a loud, fake snore.

Shang Qinghua rolled his eyes and flopped down next to him. “Asshole”

“Dick.”

“Slut.”

“Whore.”

“Cunt.”

“Vagina.”

“Damn, I was gonna say that.”

“Go to sleep, labia.”

“All right, gallbladder.”

“The gallbladder isn’t a fucking sexual thing you idiot!”

Shang Qinghua merely answered with a loud, fake snore.

Chapter Text

Hairless whore: Airplane

Hairless whore: emergency 

Hairless whore: help 

gallbladders are sexy: holy shit you all right ??????

gallbladders are sexy: you never reach out first

Hairless whore: face time me

Hairless whore: it’s an emergency 

gallbladders are sexy: dude I’m in a peak lord meeting

Hairless whore: yeah with fucking Liu Qingge, Yue Qingyuan and Wei Qingwei

Hairless whore: you can’t get a word in around them

Hairless whore: they don’t give a shit abt you

gallbladders are sexy: damn no need to put it like that

gallbladders are sexy: but I really can’t talk to myself they’ll think I’m crazy

Hairless whore: they already think you’re crazy

gallbladders are sexy: damn ok fuck

“Are you okay? What’s the emergency?”

Shen Qingqiu was in his bamboo house wearing one of his t-shirts and his new custom Shang Qinghua pale green boxer briefs. He was clambering up on his tea table so that the camera could see what he wanted to show. Which was apparently his pasty white hairless legs.

“Am I bow-legged?!” Shen Yuan whined.

“Are you what?” Shang Qinghua hissed. Did he really call this an emergency? That vain little son of a bitch.

“Am I bow-legged? You know in my… youth. I was so fucking bow-legged that a football could’ve been kicked at my legs and it’d go through.” He looked down and sighed. “I was not a good goalie.”

“I really can’t imagine you playing sports of any kind.”

“Yeah, it was mandatory, shut up. Anyway, I’ve been noticing these changes in my body, this body, and like- am I seeing things? Are my bow legs coming back? ‘Cause like last week I wasn’t even thinking about it and then you and your hairy monster legs put the thought in my head and everything sucks and it’s your fault!”

“When is it not my fault, honestly? And are you sure you’re not just going through menopause ‘cause you’re being a bitch about this.”

“Shut the fuck up. Look! Look, see.” Shen Qingqiu dropped down to his knees and ripped his shirt off in the same motion. He then thrust his bare chest up to the camera, violating Shang Qinghua's unwilling eyes. “This body didn’t have this mole like 5 years ago but now it’s back! And freckles! Look, look! This me didn’t have them but past me had and-“ 

“Bro, yeah I get it. Get your perky pink nipples out of my face.”

“Fuck you have against pink nipples?”

“Nothing when they’re on women.”

“Rude! Plenty of men have pink nipples.”

“Yeah, name one. And don’t say yourself!”

“Bitch, fucking Liu Qingge has pink nipples.” 

Shang Qinghua made a face. “And how in the ever-loving fuck do you know that.”

“We were on an assignment together and he got dirty so I advised him to take a bath.”

“Did you throw him in a river?”

“I will not confirm nor deny any of these accusations.”

“Did you throw him in a waterfall? I vaguely remember him complaining about a waterfall.”

“I will not confirm nor deny any of these accusations.”

“Ugh, you stubborn little shit.”

Shen Qingqiu put his shirt back on “Back to the matter at hand-”

“What matter?”

“Am I bow-legged?!”

“No! You’re not! You’re delusional!”

“Okay, great that’s all I wanted to know.” And then he hung up.

He is such a drama queen Shang Qinghua thought to himself.

The peak lord of An Ding looked back to his fellow lords and vaguely noticed that they were all bright red in the face. What kind of argument did Shang Qinghua miss for even the ever-calm Yue Qingyuan to be physically affected? 

Well, that’s none of Qinghua's business. He’s only there to write down the funds needed for their little hunt/adventure/whatever. He’d stopped paying attention long before Shen Yuan called with his “emergency”.

Chapter Text

Bow-legged little bitch: this meeting is so fucking boring

Gallbladders are the bees knees: shut up I’m busy

Bow-legged little bitch: with what?

Bow-legged little bitch: being mobei juns lapdog?

Gallbladders are the bees knees: bro I’m writing down basically everything that matters

Bow-legged little bitch: as in: nothing?

Bow-legged little bitch changed Gallbladders are the bees knees's name to Lapdog

Lapdog: bitch

Lapdog: and lapdog?? Me? It’s more you being Binghe’s arm candy

Lapdog: he wants you to join his (nonexistent) harem

Lapdog changed Bow-legged little bitch's name to Sugar baby

Sugar baby: bro absolutely the fuck not

Sugar baby: binghes straight

Sugar baby: and I’m as manly as they come

Shang Qinghua violently trembled in his seat next to Mobei-jun

Lapdog: YOU?!???

Lapdog: MANLY AS THEY COME?????

Sugar baby: yeah?!??? Wtfdym????

Sugar baby: I’m so manly

Lapdog: then what the fuck is this

Lapdog: *pic*

Lapdog: *video*

And Airplane just had to fucking send the picture and video of Shen Qingqiu at the warm red pavilion. From when the girls had dared him to dress up as one of them and try and seduce a male customer. He'd begrudgingly agreed and let them put him in their flowy (skimpy) robes and sat still for a makeup session. 

While the women were out of the room scouting for the dryest customer he’d gotten a call from a bored Airplane. Shang Qinghua had laughed his ass off and recorded the whole face time session. Purely for blackmail material. Where could he use it? That's for Cucumber to never know and Airplane to figure out.

Shen Yuan then spent the next 15 minutes (yes, he’s that good) watching himself charm the pants off of a sulky little straight man with the personality of a paper clip.

Sugar baby: damn im good

Lapdog: fuck i thought that would keep you occupied for longer

Sugar baby: Entertain Me Fool

Lapdog: im busy

Sugar baby: youre boring

Lapdog: talk to binghe

Lapdog: hes always up for a talk with his beloved Shizun<33333

Sugar baby: fucks with those hearts

Lapdog: exactly what you think

Sugar baby: ugh im gonna talk to binghe

Lapdog: great.

Lapdog: you do that 

Sugar baby: he doesnt want to talk to me :((((

Lapdog: ??? binghe??? Doesnt want to talk to his shizun???

Sugar baby: hes being boring:(((

Sugar baby: he isnt paying attention to me:(((

Sugar baby: he doesnt even want to look at me:(((

Sugar baby: friendship over:(

Lapdog: thats so weird

Sugar baby: he hates me

Lapdog: he probably does

Lapdog: hes gonna kill you after this meeting

Sugar baby: ???

Lapdog: yeah i overheard him and Mobei-jun talk about it

Sugar baby: ????????????

Lapdog: i helped Plan

Lapdog: theyre gonna rip your intestines out and knit themselves a scarf

Sugar baby: …

Sugar baby: youre not funny

Lapdog: im hilarious 

Lapdog: its my charm

Lapdog: that and my cuteness

Sugar baby: what cuteness?

Sugar baby: this cuteness?

Sugar baby: *pic*

The picture was of Airplane sprawled out in bed, naked, except for his underwear, drooling and just overall looking very musty and gross.

Lapdog: OUCH

Lapdog: WHEN DID YOU TAKE THAT

Sugar baby: when we were “testing” my new bed

Lapdog: oh yeah haha

Lapdog: *pic*

Shang Qinghua sent a memory of when the two of them went swimming in some special hot spring. They’d been wrestling in the water so Shen Qingqiu looked like an ugly mix between the girl from the ring and a drowned rat.

Sugar baby: BITCH

Sugar baby: UNPROMTED???

Lapdog: UNPROMTED???????

Lapdog: THEN WHAT THE FCUK WAS THAT PIC OF ME

Sugar baby: a retaliation 

Sugar baby: for the video

Lapdog: bro

Lapdog: you like that video 

Lapdog: I look homeless in that pic

Sugar baby: so you had to prove that I can also look like shit

Lapdog: yeah <3

Sugar baby: *pic*

The picture was a memory from the same swim trip except from Shen Yuan's point of view. Shang Qinghua was laughing in a very undignified way and since Shen Yuan had been lower in the water his point of view showed every single additional chin Shang Qinghua had.

Lapdog: ugh you completely suck 

Sugar baby: and you swallow

Sugar baby: preferably Mobei-jun cum

Lapdog: BITCH

Lapdog: I SAID THAT TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE

Sugar baby: and we’re still in confidence

Sugar baby: no one can see this chat feature

Lapdog: …what abt the system 

Sugar baby: dude the system knows everything abt you

Sugar baby: it knows you better than you know yourself

Lapdog: :(

Sugar baby: >:)

Lapdog: *pic*

The picture was of Cucumber scratching his balls.

Sugar baby: OH THAT WAS LOW

-

Lapdog: damn wtf was up with binghe

Sugar baby: idk puberty?

Lapdog: he’s like 25 

Sugar baby: idk he was bored?

Sugar baby: what other reason does the feared heavenly demon emperor have for fucking off early from this meeting

Lapdog: I sense a pattern

Sugar baby: i think binghe was just getting revenge on that last meeting 

Sugar baby: u kno when mbj disrespected binghe

Sugar baby: so binghes disrespecting mbj in front of his vassals

Lapdog: ugh that totally makes sense 

Lapdog: bonk his head and talk some sense into that overgrown child

Lapdog: he’ll listen to his Shizun

Sugar baby: he didn’t listen earlier :(

Lapdog: that was an outliner

Sugar baby: :(

Lapdog: …maybe give him some space

Lapdog: talk to him tmw

Sugar baby: :( sure :( I’ll do that :((

Chapter Text

Twink: genuine question

twunk: ugh let me sleep

Twink: no you have to answer this so I can sleep

twunk: ugh

Twink: I will not stop bugging you

twunk: UGH ok shoot

Twink: how do you know if someone likes you

twunk: this really can’t wait till morning?

twunk: we have a long and boring funeral to attend 

twunk: prime time for this kind of conversation 

Twink: no bro im talking about someone like like liking me

twunk: like like? what are we? In preschool? 

Twink: answer the question 

twunk: bro idfk no one’s ever liked me like that before 

twunk: but I can guess

Twink: damn so we’re in the same boat 

twunk: and sinking together <3

Twink: fuck I’m gonna die alone

twunk: yes you are <3

twunk: but at least we’ll die alone together <3

twunk: now shut up I’m trying to sleep

Twink: but how do you know if you like someone

Twink: like how do you feel when you’re around mobei-jun

twunk: idk bro I just know?

twunk: I get all sweaty and nervous 

Twink: how is that any different from how you behave usually???

twunk: idk?!??? I just know the difference 

twunk: like I want him to rely on me and I want him to think I’m cool and stuff and idk… I want to know everything about him 

twunk: the bad stuff and the good

twunk: like what he sleeps in and what level of spice he likes or what kind of literature he reads and if he’d like mine

Twink: I wouldn’t

Twink: I didn’t

Twink: it literally killed me

twunk: fuck you im being honest right now

twunk: and it was the expired shit you call food that did you in

Twink: you’re being so vague though

twunk: I don’t fucking remember what killed you?!

Twink: that’s because I didn’t tell you

Twink: no I’m talking about the romantic stuff 

Twink: like I act like that around my friends (except you. idgaf if you think I’m cool or not)

twunk: ok… bro I really can’t explain the difference between platonic and romantic love like you just know

Twink: well unfortunately I don’t know

twunk: I can explain the difference between platonic and sexual :D :D :D

twunk: all day everyday bby

Twink: I’d prefer you’d not

twunk: I want mbj inside me

twunk: I want to merge with him

Twink: damn wtf

twunk: i need him

Twink: right… 

Twink: do you want me to leave you alone or

twunk: 

Twink: thats very telling

-

twunk: stop looking at me like that cucumber

twunk: i legit fell asleep

twunk: i was not beating my meat

Twink: …im going to choose to believe that

Twink: i dont need to know anything more about your… personal endeavours

twunk: I WASNT WANKING

twunk: STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT

twunk: ugh now theyre looking at me weird

twunk: im ranked fourth in the sect they really should respect me more

Twink: well you do look like a distressed animal

Twink: and no one wants to be equal to easy pray like you 

twunk: well fuck them then

twunk: I don’t give a shit about anyone in this room

twunk: least of all mr paedophile palace master himself 

twunk: the man of the hour

twunk: good riddance

Twink: was the former huan hua master really a paedophile

twunk: bro yeah can’t you remember

twunk: he wanted binghes mom so bad he locked her up when she became preggo with binghe

twunk: while she was like 23 at the time the infatuation most definitely started earlier

twunk: And like when you’re that old do you really find 23 year olds attractive?

twunk: Like I’m old as shit and the thought of being with someone your age sickens me

Twink: I’m like 30

Twink: …I think

Twink: 31?

twunk: still too fucking young for my taste

twunk: I want a man

twunk: like Mobei-jun 

twunk: speaking of have you spotted him or his entourage 

Twink: I saw sha hualing messing with liu mingyan outside 

Twink: liu qingge was not amused

twunk: yeah I’m sure he’s not all that jazzed about his sister shacking it up with a demon

Twink: is sha hualing two timing binghe

twunk: bro she can’t two time him when there isn’t a time to two

Twink: you know what

Twink: good for her

Twink: she’ll thrive better outside of the harem

Twink: you completely forgot about her after wife #287

Twink: didn’t even bring her back for her favourite orgys

twunk: damn 

twunk: sorry?? ig? 

twunk: but I recall that you were violently against the orgys

Twink: yeah because it was lazy writing 

Twink: not because I didn’t like seeing the other wifes again

twunk: you really can’t expect me to remember every single wife

Twink: I really don’t care at this point

Twink: no flower is getting lost in the flowerbed since there is no flowerbed to get lost in

twunk: yeah lucky them to not get the heavenly pillar every single night ?

Twink: YEAH GOOD FOR THEM

Twink: that shit hurts

Twink: why the fuck did you make it that big

twunk: for the plot?!

twunk: he needs a nice cock to get all those bitches

Twink: no what he needs is technique

Twink: size doesn’t matter

twunk: ugh don’t knock it till you’ve tried it

Twink: I HAVE TRIED IT

Twink: AND IT LITERALLY KILLED ME

twunk: oh yeah haha lol 

twunk: you did

twunk: that was a nice time

Twink: NO THE FUCK IT WASNT

twunk: sure but like what a way to go

twunk: I’d be up for death by dick

Twink: ugh of course you would 

Twink: one glimpse at the mobei dick and you'd pass away

twunk: and trust that shit is good and big

twunk: I specifically made it so

Twink: at least I got the biggest in the world

Twink: wait I did didn’t I?

twunk: yeah ofcs the protagonist has the biggest one

twunk: but my king is right on his heels 

twunk: by like a cm or two

Twink: who’s third?

twunk: yue qingyuan 

Shen Qingqiu snickered out loud.

Twink: yeah of course he’d be third place he has to-

Shen Qingqiu froze. He couldn’t believe his ears.

Twink: did he just fucking sush me????

Twink: did yue qingyuan just fucking sush me

Twink: oh am I too loud????

Twink: Is daddy gonna have to come and shut me up with his third place cock

twunk: AHAHHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

In a desperate attempt to keep his laughter in Shang Qinghuas face turned a horrible shade of plum and his body shook like a vibrator in use. The other peak lords looked at him like he was a madman, Qi Qingqi honestly thought he was going to choke to death. 

But after a moment they too started snickering, Wei Qingwei even laughed out loud.

twunk: I cannot fucking believe you said that

twunk: about YUE QINGYUAN

twunk: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Twink: I mean he did shush me

Twink: I cannot believe his audacity

Twink: to shush me 

Twink: ME

“Shidis and Shimeis, please keep a handle on yourselves. This is a solemn moment.”

Twink: and now he’s shushing all of us

Twink: big talk for a guy in third place in the dick-measuring contest 

twunk: Bronze in the cock competition 

Shen Qingqiu snickered out loud again, just to be spiteful.

twunk: ugh but honestly all that talk about him having the third place dick is kind of moot when his ass is that good 

Twink: he’s not nr one tho

twunk: sure binghe has a great ass but I’d rather like a handful of that sect leader stuff rather than the binghe booty

Twink: I wasn’t talking about binghe

twunk: you??? Not talking about binghe???

twunk: unfathomable

Twink: bro I was talking about you 

Twink: you’ve got a great ass

twunk: ME?!?!!!

Twink: the greatest 

twunk: bro I’m gonna cry

twunk: that’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me ever

Twink: bro your ass is FAT <3

Twink: it jiggles

Twink: bounces

Twink: I’ve witnessed it

twunk: bro omg thank you

twunk: but like when???

Twink: when you breathe?

Shang Qinghua giggled.

Twink: nah jk

Twink: when I slapped your ass

twunk: you slap my ass all the time

twunk: be more specific

Twink: *video*

They’re in bed side by side, both in their modern pyjamas. Shang Qinghua is on Shen Yuan's right-hand side on his stomach with his leg hitched up. Shen Yuan silently, yet dramatically, winds his hand up and slaps Shang Qinghua’s ass as hard as he can. Shang Qinghua howles in pain but before he can grab his ass and roll away it’s quite obvious that his ass properly jiggles all around. 

twunk: damn that shit was regurgitating 

twunk: WAIF NO

twunk: RECOILING

Twink: you’re so fucking stupid

Twink: but at least that ass is fat

twunk: trust

twunk: damn what the fuck is up with demons and fucking off early from important shit

Twink: at least it wasn’t binghe this time

Twink: your mans tardy record is lengthening 

twunk: you’re right I’m going to check on him

Twink: DO NOT

Twink: you are not leaving to talk to him that is not your role right now and you fully realise that it would leave a negative impression on the other cultivators 

Twink: you are not leaving us for a demon

twunk: ok but it’s barely even started yet

twunk: and he doesn’t give a shit abt that asshole

Twink: yeah no one in here does

twunk: but we are trying to improve demon-cultivator relationships

Twink: you’re still not leaving

Twink: Sha hualing went after him it’s good chill

twunk: :( 

Twink: see shes dragging him back its all good

twunk: good :(

twunk: wait but why were you asking me about people liking you romantically yesterday

twunk: do you think someone like likes you

Twink: idk i feel like Wei Qingwei has been treating me weirdly recently

twunk: Wei Qingwei???

twunk: now thats a surprise

twunk: i thought youd say like Liu Qingge or smth

Twink: nah he mosty definitely does not like me like that

Twink: trust

twunk: i really cant trust you when it comes to romance

Twink: i think id know if one of my closest friends likes me like that

Twink: id be like if binghe still had a crush on me

twunk: ??!???!?!??!!?!?!??!!??!?!?!

twunk: bro

twunk: you know what i cant deal with this rn

twunk: how’s Wei Qingwei been treating you

Twink: he cannot make eye contact for one and is always staring at my chest

Twink: or legs

Twink: and this one time i rolled up my sleeves and he would not stop staring

Twink: hes also been giving me sword caring tips and stuff

Twink:  like sure hes the smith of the peak but like this is a bit much

Twink: im pretty sure its turned into a euphemism at this point

twunk: i think he just wants to fuck you

twunk: theres no romance in his actions

twunk: he wants that shen qingcunt

Twink: please dont

Twink: also UGH 

Twink: well.

Twink: i mean i could

Twink: hes hot as shit and most definitely has experience in the sack so i wouldnt die while fucking him

Twink: honestly im up for casual sex

twunk: yeah you should

twunk: if youre up for it

twunk: having your cherry popping moment also being your second death isnt exactly uuuhh ideal

twunk: i say go for it 

Twink: only if he asks like omg i could never 

twunk: HAHA the thought of you going up to someone and asking to hook up

twunk: your awkward ass could never

Twink: id scare him away

Twink: HOLY SHIT

Twink: OH MY GOD

twunk: speak of the devil and he shall appear

Twink: hes behind me wtf wtf wtf

Twink: what do i do

twunk: nothing

twunk: stand there and look like youre sad abt that bitch’s death

Twink: ugh youre asking for the impossible

twunk: hes so close to you yeah i think youre right abt him liking you

twunk: sexually

Twink: wtf is he having a stroke

twunk: NO HE WINKED

twunk: HE WINKED AT YOU

Twink: omg ew i feel like im being picked up at a bar

Twink: no wait im being picked up at a funeral

Twink: thats a new low for me

The vibrator started up again.

Twink: SRTOP LAUGHING

Chapter Text

distressed wanker: now that you have admitted that you’re attracted to men

Funeral Hooker: I haven’t admitted shit

Funeral Hooker: I just said I’d be down to fuck with someone experienced

distressed wanker: said person being a man

Funeral Hooker: yeah? and? He’s probably good in bed

distressed wanker: dude I’d never fuck a woman 

distressed wanker: even if she were the best person in the world at sex

distressed wanker: ew no thank you

Funeral Hooker: …

Funeral Hooker: I’m not going to label myself.

distressed wanker: great, awesome, doesn’t matter, don’t care 

distressed wanker: what I do care about is teasing Liu Qingge

Funeral Hooker: ok…? 

Funeral Hooker: and how do these two points correlate? 

distressed wanker: he likes men (you) and it would be fucking hilarious if a hot man (you) who is at least semi attracted to men (you) would flirt with him to see how he’d react

Funeral Hooker: bro…

distressed wanker: no I’m telling you he likes you

distressed wanker: lqg is dtf

Funeral Hooker: no bro he most definitely does not like me like that

Funeral Hooker: we’re just friends

distressed wanker: ugh ok you believe what you will but I dare you to give him a kiss

Funeral Hooker: absolutely not what the hell

distressed wanker: ok bit much?

Funeral Hooker: A bit????

distressed wanker: what abt like a little air kiss

Funeral Hooker: 

distressed wanker: blow him a kiss?

Funeral Hooker: 

distressed wanker: from very far away ?

Funeral Hooker: 

distressed wanker: what would it take for you to do this for me

Funeral Hooker: I seem to recall a certain bedcover you’re gatekeeping

distressed wanker: how about I commission bed covers made out of the silk of the sixteenth-legged spider for you

Funeral Hooker: and?

distressed wanker: and pajamas 

Funeral Hooker: 

distressed wanker: underwear included 

Funeral Hooker: hmm…

distressed wanker: deal.

Funeral Hooker: how in the ever loving fuck do I just blow him a kiss

Funeral Hooker: like in what situation is it acceptable to blow your coworker a kiss

distressed wanker: idk just just go up to him and ;*

distressed wanker: he’ll love it

Funeral Hooker: you’re no help

Funeral Hooker: I’ll do it at the next peak lord meeting

distressed wanker: you do know that’s tomorrow 

Funeral Hooker: fuck

-

Funeral Hooker: If im doing smth stupid then you have to too

distressed wanker: cucumbeeeeer

Funeral Hooker: no whining

distressed wanker: be good to me at least

Funeral Hooker: ok because I’m amazing 

Funeral Hooker: truth or dare

distressed wanker: how is that being good

Funeral Hooker: I’m giving you the illusion of choice

distressed wanker: fuck

distressed wanker: ok truth

Funeral Hooker: from your objective point of view

distressed wanker: yeah…

Funeral Hooker: am I as much of a bitch as shen jiu was

distressed wanker: absolutely the fuck not you’re not a child abuser

Funeral Hooker: obviously 

Funeral Hooker: no I mean like personality wise am I as annoying and unlikable

distressed wanker: no bro you’re so soft and you smile all the time like it’s a bit freaky sometimes 

distressed wanker: people enjoy being around you

Funeral Hooker: for real? You’re not just pulling my leg?

distressed wanker: obviously?!

distressed wanker: but like what kind of question is that you already know the answer

Funeral Hooker: but I don’t!!!!

Funeral Hooker: like after my memories merged with shen jius (thanks for that btw :( ) I’ve been feeling more like him

Funeral Hooker: and 21. century me

Funeral Hooker: and the current me

Funeral Hooker: like I’m both shen jiu and shen yuan but still neither

distressed wanker: maybe you’re just shen qingqiu now

Funeral Hooker: ugh thats so cheesy

Funeral Hooker: but…

Funeral Hooker: ...yeah maybe

distressed wanker: or youre everything

distressed wanker: you dont have to be one definite thing you can be every one 

distressed wanker: at least thats my opinion

Funeral Hooker: yeah… maybe…

Funeral Hooker: but I sometimes feel like an imposter in my body

Funeral Hooker: and in shen jius relationships 

Funeral Hooker: like I remember everything like it happened to me but I Know it didn’t happen to me me

distressed wanker: but it did

distressed wanker: I think that shen jiu was your first life and that you died during the qi deviation, lived your second (shen yuan) life without properly remembering shen jiu and then you started your third (hopefully final) life as shen qingqiu

Funeral Hooker: you know what 

Funeral Hooker: thats a problem for future me

Funeral Hooker: truth or dare

distressed wanker: BRO!!!!!!

Funeral Hooker: shush we’re in a peak lord meeting I can’t have an existential crisis right now 

distressed wanker: …ok

distressed wanker: but it was my turn now it’s yours

Funeral Hooker: bro i can’t do my thing liu qingge hasn’t arrived yet 

distressed wanker: and? 

distressed wanker: we’ll have another round 

distressed wanker: and if you do a dare or smth you can also make me do smth else

Funeral Hooker: yeah obviously

Funeral Hooker: ok dare

distressed wanker: i dare you to wink at yue qingyuan

Funeral Hooker: why??? are you making me flirt with everyone?!??!????

distressed wanker: for my own enjoyment

Funeral Hooker: seeing me suffer brings you joy ???

Funeral Hooker: wait nvm I get it 

distressed wanker: yeah but that is only about 50% of it

Funeral Hooker: only half???

Funeral Hooker: pervert

Funeral Hooker: admit that you like seeing beautiful men flirting with each other

distressed wanker: you think weirdly highly of your looks 

Funeral Hooker: rightfully so

Funeral Hooker: ive never felt as good as i do now 

Funeral Hooker: i'm enjoying my healthy body to its fullest

Funeral Hooker: shen yuans body was chronically ill, shen jius body was incredibly weak and shen qingqius body had the curse 

Funeral Hooker: now I’m scot free and trying to live life

distressed wanker: ok valid 

distressed wanker: you still have to do the thing though

distressed wanker: i mean hes just up there 

distressed wanker: chilling

Funeral Hooker: fuck ok

Funeral Hooker: like its not that weird winking at your childhood friend you should hate

distressed wanker: how do you feel about him now

Funeral Hooker: idk? Pity?? ig? more like nothing

Funeral Hooker: like something deep in my bones could never forgive him but something even deeper loves him too much to care so idk?? Kind of cancels out each other

Funeral Hooker: also with the added shen yuan who thinks hes really cool and pitiful…???

distressed wanker: too many feelings with too few feelings?

Funeral Hooker: yea

distressed wanker: but it would still be really funny

Funeral Hooker: to flirt?? With him???

distressed wanker: yes

distressed wanker: please

Funeral Hooker: ugh

Shen Qingqiu peered up at Yue Qingyuan from up under his fan. The sect-leader was getting his papers in order, shuffling them about and making room for his tea. His head discipline, trusted to sit in on the meeting, was serving him. 

Yue Qingyuan was a trained warrior, supposedly the best in the sect if he ever drew his sword, and was thus highly sensitive to any and all attention. After feeling the same gaze on his person for too long he looked up and made immediate eye contact with his Xiao-Jiu. He expected him to look away any second, for them to do their usual song and dance. But, no, he held his gaze.

Shen jiu tilted his head, the corner of his peach pink lips peeked from his fan, tugged up in a barely there smirk. Shen Yuan was postponing the inevitable. Giving Yue Qingyuan a little wink should be nothing compared to blowing Liu Qingqiu a kiss, so he bit the bullet and let it rip.

A little wink and an unintentional smile later an embarrassed Shen Yuan didn't want to think about what he’d done. So instead he did what he did best and shitted bull.

Funeral Hooker: i dare you to shave mu qingfans horrid moustache off

distressed wanker: BRO 

distressed wanker: I DIDNT EVEN GET TO CHOOSE

Funeral Hooker: and? Should I care?

distressed wanker: yea ok all right 

distressed wanker: but did you see yqy fucking face!

distressed wanker: and he spilled his tea!!!!

distressed wanker: priceless!! 

distressed wanker: im sooo making you do more of this

Funeral Hooker: what is there to do more of??

Funeral Hooker: the only person that could ever be flustered by me flirting with him is yqy and im not doing that again

distressed wanker: oh my sweet summer child, you underestimate yourself

Funeral Hooker: …

distressed wanker: >:)

Funeral Hooker: I dont want to think about it

Funeral Hooker: shave mqf moustache off

distressed wanker: YOURE STILL ON ABOUT THAT

Funeral Hooker: yeah bro 

Funeral Hooker: fucking do it

distressed wanker: BUT He wouldnt be mu qingfang without the moustache

Funeral Hooker: yeah but hair grows back bro

Funeral Hooker: and it be so fucking funny

distressed wanker: no!!

distressed wanker: hed be nake without the moustache

Funeral Hooker: love how you're not even complaining about it being too hard just that hed look ugly without it

distressed wanker: yeah dude i have my ways 

distressed wanker: i am allowed to do this later right? Like i cant just tackle him rn and shave his only personality trait off

Funeral Hooker: as long as he’ll have to show up to a sect leader meeting bald as a baby's bottom then im satisfied 

distressed wanker: deal!

distressed wanker: did you notice that yqy hasnt stopped staring at you

Funeral Hooker: OF COURSE I HAVE YOU ASSHOLE

Funeral Hooker: THAT WAS FUCKENG WEIRD AND YOU KNOW IT

Funeral Hooker: ill never be able to live this down

Funeral Hooker: ew if he shows up to my place later today with a “what are we” speech then im going to commit murder

Funeral Hooker: murder of you to be precise

Funeral Hooker: and then me

distressed wanker: thanks for clarifying i wouldn't have realised 

distressed wanker: whats a little suicide pact to get the blood flowing in the early morning

Funeral Hooker: its not suicide if im killing you, airplane

distressed wanker: yeah no. since, one: I brought it upon myself and two: I’d let you

Funeral Hooker: ...?

Funeral Hooker: let me?

Funeral Hooker: you think you could beat me in a fight?

distressed wanker: not a physical one

Funeral Hooker: ???? 

distressed wanker: wait omg lqg just arrived!!

Funeral Hooker: no no no we’re not done 

Funeral Hooker: fuck you mean by youd beat me in a non physical fight

distressed wanker: doesnt matter, kiss him!!!

Funeral Hooker: IM NOT KISSING SHIT

distressed wanker: ugh the air, stupid 

Funeral Hooker: what did i do to deserve this

distressed wanker: you took part in online bullying 

Funeral Hooker: no no no, i was the main instigator get it right

distressed wanker: yeah congrats on being the best at bullying me online

distressed wanker: KISS HIM

Funeral Hooker: UGH

Liu qingge was in the process of sitting down when he made eye contact with his table neighbour, Shen Qingqiu. Deciding to just rip the bandaid off, Shen yuan gave him a coquettish little airkiss. No hand of any kind was kissed, just a quick puckering of lips and an unintentional little wink. 

Liu Qingge the war god of Bai Zhan lost complete control of his spiritual powers and let out a pulse of Qi. The other peak lords present stared at him in shock. Mu Qingfang almost got up to help but Qi Qingqi gestured to him not to. Her face was a weird plum colour and her whole body was shaking, Shen Qingqiu had no idea why. 

Considering Liu Qingge was still staring at him, the other lords thought he had something to do with it. Honestly, when is it not his fault in their eyes? That it was completely his fault in this particular instance doesn't matter.

Shen Yuan decidedly looked away , what Liu Qingge or any other peak lord did was none of his business. He sat tranquil as a bamboo tree and fanned himself, his face framing locks fluttering gently in the breeze.

Funeral Hooker: fuck, you think yqy saw that 

Funeral Hooker: i hope he didnt

distressed wanker: sorry too busy trying not to misplace my ass right now to function. get back to me later

Funeral Hooker: misplace your ass?

distressed wanker: i'm trying not to laugh it off

distressed wanker: get it

distressed wanker: hehehe 

Funeral Hooker: why do i even talk to you.

Funeral Hooker: dont answer that

distressed wanker: wei qingwei is next

Funeral Hooker: no the fuck he isnt are you kidding me 

distressed wanker: do you or do you not want to have rocking sex

Funeral Hooker: i'm not flirting with him

distressed wanker: you cant have sex if you dont flirt

Funeral Hooker: incorrect i did nothing and he still tried to get some during a funeral

distressed wanker: yeah what was that

Funeral Hooker: AT A FUNERAL 

distressed wanker: ergo the nickname

Funeral Hooker: shut up you wanker

distressed wanker: hey having a wank in my own bed during the dead of night is infinitely better than someone trying to fuck at a funeral

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: i know you're not listening to yue qingyuans blabber 

distressed wanker: stop ignoring me

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: did you mute me

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: hey

distressed wanker: you bitch

Chapter Text

Shen Qingqiu has never been a fan of tight clothes. Three lifetimes of being chronically ill does that to a guy. His fashion choices consist of layer after layer after layer, anything to hide the lack of muscle. Even though his choice of fashion has been comfortable mentally, physically? Not so much. Especially now that summer has come along.

He'd at first been too anxious to change his style, scared that others would realise that he was an impostor in Shen Jiu’s body. Now that he’d gotten comfortable in his sense of self, his needs had fallen back on to old (Shen Yuan) habits. Meaning: Comfort.

He doesn’t think anyone has been paying too close attention to his wardrobe (maybe Wei Qingwei, but he doesn't want to think about it) so it wouldn’t matter if he changed it up a bit. Lost some layers? Loosened up? Although… he didn’t own many robes that let him lose layers without looking like a harlot.

But you can't look like a harlot when covered head to toe. Can you?

So he’d bitten the bullet and commissioned a new summer wardrobe, with an emphasis on lighter materials and different cuts. He’d decided to order one outfit with shorter sleeves. Nothing crazy, just sleeves that reached his elbows, not past his fingers. 

No one would notice, surely.

At least Shang Qinghua didn’t give a rat's ass that he wore short sleeves in front of him. Well, Airplane didn't care what he wore as long as he didn't have to see his cock and balls. 

Not even then, on second thought.

Gay mans Kryptonite: airplane

mbj's free-use hole: saa dude

Gay mans Kryptonite: ugh stfu 

mbj's free-use hole: ?????

Gay mans Kryptonite: you busy?

mbj's free-use hole: no not really

Gay mans Kryptonite: great

Gay mans Kryptonite: what do you think of this outfit 

Gay mans Kryptonite: *pic*

He stood on top of his tea table. Head tilted, lips pursed, critically looking at himself in the camera. 

The outfit was in his usual green but consisting of only four layers instead of the Shen Jiu accepted six. 

The first layer was his nude boxer briefs and his new sixteenth-legged spider silk cream-coloured dudou. He didn't like wearing the “normal” silk underrobe but he couldn't go completely commando because of his nipple sensitivity. One rub up against the wrong thing and those suckers were ready to cut glass.

Next were pants so he wouldn't flash anyone in case of an assassination attempt and a white robe to cover his embarrassing dudou. It served as a just-in-case and the flowy sleeves reached his elbow. They kind of reminded him of his XXXL twenty-first-century T-shirt sleeves.

Another robe, pale green, served as the socially acceptable visible robe (as socially acceptable as naked forearms are). The sleeves billowed out like the white robe and had decent storage space in them.

And, lastly, a darker green robe that was just like the former one. It was just there to at least try to bolster his figure, and so that he wouldn’t be out in the world in three fucking layers like some homeless man.

His belt was there too, but he had on a different one he’d found squirreled away in his closet. It was a gift from Yue Qingyuan during his Shen Jiu days, so he hadn’t ever used it. While his Shen Jiu side was vehemently against letting it ever see the light of day, his vanity took over. Using his old thick belts with his new summer robes felt like wearing flippers with a sundress (not that he’d ever worn a sundress in public before though, no sir).

The outfit with his old coat on top would be completely normal as a day-to-day outfit. But it was currently scorching outside and he didn’t want to spend the whole day, full of meetings, in a stuffy coat. 

Shang Qinghua really wasn’t the best person to get an opinion from since he spent his days, not in the northern kingdom, dressed like a homeless man. But he was the only one he could be stark naked in front of without destroying his reputation. And he knew that he would be brutally honest with him.

Shen Yuan slid off his coat and spun around on the coffee table. His forearms on full display. He took another picture and paused for a moment as saw himself on the camera. Nope, it's weird. He buried his face in his hands and whined. 

It's just airplane, he thought. What's the worst he could say?

Gay mans Kryptonite: *pic* 

mbj's free-use hole: you’ve got really nice feet

Gau mans Kryptonite: 

Gay mans Kryptonite: is that really the thing you’re going to focus on

mbj's free-use hole: dude they’re just there 

mbj's free-use hole: staring at me

mbj's free-use hole: asking to be sucked

Gay mans Kryptonite: sucked?!??

mbj's free-use hole: how can i not mention them

Gay mans Kryptonite: I’m not putting on socks if I don’t have to

Gay mans Kryptonite: even if youre going to be a pervert about it

mbj's free-use hole: pervert????

Gay mans Kryptonite: i knew you had a foot fetish

Gay mans Kryptonite: you look like someone with a foot fetish

mbj's free-use hole: i dont have a foot fetish??!!!

Gay mans Kryptonite: you just said youd suck my toes

mbj's free-use hole: as a joke

mbj's free-use hole: just put on socks and then you dont have to worry

Gay mans Kryptonite: I fucking hate socks

mbj's free-use hole: who let the dogs out?

mbj's free-use hole: you, you you you

Gay mans Kryptonite: 

Gay mans Kryptonite: woof.

mbj's free-use hole: no but like you’ve got really nice feet

Gay mans Kryptonite: I compliment Your Ass you compliment My Feet ?!?

mbj's free-use hole: not like that!!!!

Gay mans Kryptonite: youre so obsessed with my feet, stop it

mbj's free-use hole: MOVING ON

Gay mans Kryptonite: we’ve said foot fetish way too often in this conversation 

mbj's free-use hole: I DONT HAVE A FOOT FETISH

Gay mans Kryptonite: YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SUCK ON THESE DOGS

mbj's free-use hole: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ONLY FANS WHORE

Gay mans Kryptonite: NO YOU SHUT UP YOU ONLY FANS ENJOYER

mbj's free-use hole: I AM NOT!!!! I MAKE MY OWN PORN

Gay mans Kryptonite: YOU WOULD TOTALLY BUY MY ONLY FANS FOOT PORN

mbj's free-use hole: I WOULD NOT

mbj's free-use hole: IM NOT INTO TWINKS WHO LOOK LIKE THEYD BLOW AWAY FROM A SINGLE GUST OF WIND

mbj's free-use hole: cucumber?

mbj's free-use hole: you there?

mbj's free-use hole: nooooo please dont leave me !!!!

mbj's free-use hole: im so bored !!!

mbj's free-use hole: Cucumbeeeer

mbj's free-use hole: shen yuaaaan

mbj's free-use hole: shen jiuu

mbj's free-use hole: shen qingqiu

mbj's free-use hole: please gimme more outfitssss

mbj's free-use hole: I wanna fashion show

Gay mans Kryptonite: then just do it yourself you idiot

mbj's free-use hole: i cant :((((

mbj's free-use hole: im in a meeting :((((

Gay mans Kryptonite: you just said you weren't busy

mbj's free-use hole: not that busy

mbj's free-use hole: yue qingyuan, liu qingge and wei qingwei are trying to plan a trip to somewhere the fuck again and i have to budget

mbj's free-use hole: i cant leaaave

Gay mans Kryptonite: oh where are they going?

mbj's free-use hole: why? you wanna go?

Gay mans Kryptonite: nah the kids are going to be storming Bai Zhan and i was wondering how long liu qingge will be away

mbj's free-use hole: idk smth about material for swords

Gay mans Kryptonite: welp, its the kids idea not mine so idc

mbj's free-use hole: youre such a good teacher

Gay mans Kryptonite: thx

mbj's free-use hole: a sexy teacher

Gay mans Kryptonite: shut up

mbj's free-use hole: a tilf

mbj's free-use hole: teacher id like to fuck

Gay mans Kryptonite: thats so wrong

mbj's free-use hole: id tap that ass

Gay mans Kryptonite: you just said you wouldnt

Gay mans Kryptonite: twinkaphobe

mbj's free-use hole: you admit to being a twink???

Gay mans Kryptonite: you're deflecting

mbj's free-use hole: you're deflecting

Gay mans Kryptonite: you cant sweet talk my ass now considering how often you call it flat and ugly

mbj's free-use hole: I hate to say it but I was wrong

mbj's free-use hole: your ass is absolutely gorgeous?

Gay mans Kryptonite: ??? you admitting youre wrong??

Gay mans Kryptonite: in this economy??

mbj's free-use hole: no I’m unfortunately being for real

mbj's free-use hole: like for real for real

mbj's free-use hole: you’ve got a great butt

mbj's free-use hole: but you kind of give off like flat ass energy so you cant really blame me for calling your ass flat

mbj's free-use hole: like when you're in your million robes you can't really see much of anything

Gay mans Kryptonite: bitch

Gay mans Kryptonite: you could’ve just called me ugly

mbj's free-use hole: NOTHING WRONG WITH A FLAT FIGURE

Gay mans Kryptonite: oh fuck you you little weasel

mbj's free-use hole: NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A FLAT ASS OR ANYTHING

mbj's free-use hole: there is surprisingly dump in that trunk

Gay mans Kryptonite: “Surprisingly”??? 

Gay mans Kryptonite: you piece of shit

mbj's free-use hole: and your waist is godly

mbj's free-use hole: out of this world

mbj's free-use hole: grabbable 

mbj's free-use hole: no like look

mbj's free-use hole: *pic*

It was the latter picture Shen Yuan sent, from where he had been looking at the coatless outfit from behind.

mbj's free-use hole: your waist looks great! 

mbj's free-use hole: and ass looks great :D!! See!! Theres something there!!

Gay mans Kryptonite: something??

mbj's free-use hole: NO LIKE, fat ass

mbj's free-use hole: *pic*

An image from when they had been chilling together at Airplanes place. Shen Yuan was in pyjamas (boxer briefs and one of Shang Qinghuas t-shirts) and reaching for a book from the top shelf. The only shirts Shang Qinghua had at his place were shorter than Shen Qingqius so the shirt rode up a bit. Just enough for his belly button to peek through and perfect for a prime view of his ass.

mbj's free-use hole: like ass fat 

mbj's free-use hole: *pic*

Another one of him lying on his stomach on Shang Qinghuas bed, reading the book he took from the shelf.

mbj's free-use hole: *pic*

Still on the bed but his leg was hitched up and his shirt was now twisted tight around his torso. His back dimples were in full display and his ass was bubbly and spankable (best believe that Shang Qinghua got revenge for the many times Shen Qingqiu had slapped his ass).

mbj's free-use hole: one more and its kind of iconic

mbj's free-use hole: *pic*

The last one was from when they had been together in the northern demon kingdom. They were the only ones the demons could stand out of all the peak lords so of course they’d been shackled with liasoning for Cang Qiong mountain. 

They could have technically just gotten water up to their rooms, but Shang Qinghua had raved and raved about the baths in Mobei-Juns personal quarters so Shen Qingqiu had, of course, forced himself with him when he bathed. 

The hot tub could have easily fit five grown men so two bros was nothing. 

That particular picture was from when Shen Yuan had had enough of Shang Qinghuas company (not really, just of the prunes on his fingers) and stood up to dry off. He was turned away, towel flush against his face. Loose wet hair plastered to his wide back, hair so long the ends tucked between his ass cheeks. Droplets ran down his narrow hips, down his ass, thighs and right to his slender ankles.

Gay mans Kryptonite: why???? do you have so many memories of my ass?!????

mbj's free-use hole: cause you’ve got a nicely shaped behind that I enjoy looking at

Gay mans Kryptonite: that’s a perverse way of saying “i'm a pervert that looks at my friends' ass”

mbj's free-use hole: oh please like you don’t look at my ass

Gay mans Kryptonite: no tf I don’t wdym I wouldn’t ever I’m looking at this instead 

Gay mans Kryptonite: *pic*

It was a photo of Shang Qinghua from the same liaison trip to the north. Mobei-jun had dumped his fur cloak onto Shang Qinghua earlier in the day. Shang Qinghua was posed like a Napoleon painting, coat tied haphazardly to his shoulders and wielding an icicle like a sword. 

mbj's free-use hole: ugh you’re such an asshole

mbj's free-use hole: an asshole that deflects

mbj's free-use hole: you’ve definitely spent time staring at my ass

mbj's free-use hole: my ass is very stareable

mbj's free-use hole: badunkadunk

mbj's free-use hole: cake

mbj's free-use hole: big bunda 

Gay mans Kryptonite: I hate you so much

Gay mans Kryptonite: I’m never complimenting you again

Gay mans Kryptonite: ugh could we please just talk about my outfit

Gay mans Kryptonite: it’s why I subjected myself to a conversation with you

mbj's free-use hole: I like your style

Gay mans Kryptonite: thanks.

mbj's free-use hole: I like your class

mbj's free-use hole: but most of all

Gay mans Kryptonite: where are you going with this

mbj's free-use hole: I like your ass

mbj's free-use hole: ding

mbj's free-use hole: dong

Gay mans Kryptonite: I hate you so much

mbj's free-use hole: nooo dont hate me haha youre so sexy

mbj's free-use hole: cucumber…?

mbj's free-use hole: :( 

Gay mans Kryptonite: *video* 

Shen Qingqiu stood again on his tea table, still barefoot. It was the scholarly peak uniform pale green but not as scandalous as the one before. For one it was looser, had the Shen Jiu Accepted Minimum of six layers, but the fabric of the robes was thinner than everything he owned.

“Ok, this outfit isn’t terrible. And it isn’t as obvious that I have the figure of a bamboo tree. But… it’s still out of my comfort zone. I think I like this more though. Like, I could wear this around Wei Qingwei without him trying to,”  he grimaced, “ get some. Let me know what you think.”

mbj's free-use hole: bamboo tree??

mbj's free-use hole: that’s so true hahahahaha

mbj's free-use hole: and hed totally try to get some

mbj's free-use hole: some plant pussy

mbj's free-use hole: and im trying to get some

mbj's free-use hole: some of that fabric that is

mbj's free-use hole: holy shit i nee dit in my liefe

Gay mans Kryptonite: the fuck??? are you getting off on this fabric or smth??

Gay mans Kryptonite: arent you in a meeting??

Gay mans Kryptonite: pervert

mbj's free-use hole: bro… ye of so little faith

mbj's free-use hole: im not beating my meat at a fucking meeting

mbj's free-use hole: liu qingge and wei qingwei just started fighting and i had to get out of the way

Gay mans Kryptonite: ugh

Gay mans Kryptonite: men

mbj's free-use hole: youre a man

Gay mans Kryptonite: sure but not like those mindless beasts

mbj's free-use hole: whatever

mbj's free-use hole: the other outfit (short sleeves) makes you look like a whore

mbj's free-use hole: the second one is good

mbj's free-use hole: like, decent cut, not something noticeably different for you and looks absolutely edible

Gay mans Kryptonite: edible.

mbj's free-use hole: that fabric

mbj's free-use hole: i need it

Gay mans Kryptonite: you were so normal, for a split second

Gay mans Kryptonite: i saw hope

Gay mans Kryptonite: but, alas

mbj's free-use hole: ha ha very funny

mbj's free-use hole: ditch the short sleeves

mbj's free-use hole: or like use them as a shirt or smth when we hang out

Gay mans Kryptonite: youre just tryna steal my shit

mbj's free-use hole: like i dont already?

Gay mans Kryptonite: point

Gay mans Kryptonite: yeah youre right abt the sleeves

Gay mans Kryptonite: way too scandalous

mbj's free-use hole: totes

mbj's free-use hole: you got smth else for me

Gay mans Kryptonite: nah just those

Gay mans Kryptonite: whats the score with lqg and wqw?

Gay mans Kryptonite: dead or alive?

mbj's free-use hole: alive unfortunately

mbj's free-use hole: and pissed at me cause yqy broke them up and they cant be pissed at him or at each other

Gay mans Kryptonite: these beasts need to be neutered 

mbj's free-use hole: agree

mbj's free-use hole: ugh didnt realise they could get any worse

mbj's free-use hole: you should honestly be here with me

Gay mans Kryptonite: absolutely the fuck not if i dont have to be at work im not going to be there

Gay mans Kryptonite: and fuck you for riling them up

Gay mans Kryptonite: im meeting them after lunch

mbj's free-use hole: i didnt do shit bro

mbj's free-use hole: but its great youre meeting with them

mbj's free-use hole: you calm them down so well

Gay mans Kryptonite: calm them down????????

Gay mans Kryptonite: they always start some shit whenever im in the vicinity if them

Gay mans Kryptonite: theyre terrible

mbj's free-use hole: theyre worse when you arent here

Gay mans Kryptonite: WORSE????

Gay mans Kryptonite: i didnt know it was possible

Gay mans Kryptonite: thats it

Gay mans Kryptonite: im quitting

Gay mans Kryptonite: im taking binghe up on his offer and im going to be a stay at home shizun

Gay mans Kryptonite: im going to mooch off of my disciple for forever

mbj's free-use hole: i wish i could be a nepo shizun 

mbj's free-use hole: all of my kids are nepos themselves

mbj's free-use hole: and/or incompetent

Gay mans Kryptonite: sucks to suck

mbj's free-use hole: sorry but i was a bit busy not getting myself killed by everyone around me to teach properly

Gay mans Kryptonite: yeah me too you crybaby

Gay mans Kryptonite: and i had the curse while doing it

mbj's free-use hole: damn shut up at least you arent a virgin

Gay mans Kryptonite: that is true

Gay mans Kryptonite: but ive died twice now

Gay mans Kryptonite: you’ve only died once

mbj's free-use hole: that is nothing to brag about

Gay mans Kryptonite: like being a virgin is

mbj's free-use hole: excuse me unicorns would love me

Gay mans Kryptonite: no they wouldnt

mbj's free-use hole: says who

Gay mans Kryptonite: says me

mbj's free-use hole: nuh uh 

Gay mans Kryptonite: yuh uh

Gay mans Kryptonite: im always right

mbj's free-use hole: youre just pissy that unicorns dont want you 

mbj's free-use hole: whore

Gay mans Kryptonite: blocked

mbj's free-use hole: cucumber?

this message did not send

mbj's free-use hole: THATS POSSIBLE????

this message did not send

Chapter Text

Fish fear me: hey cucumber

Fish fear me: awkward question

Unicorn lover: what between us is awkward at this point airplane

Fish fear me: …my question

Unicorn lover:

Unicorn lover: im intrigued

Unicorn lover: shoot

Fish fear me: could you check if i have a rash

Unicorn lover: where?

Fish fear me: on my perineum

Unicorn lover: bro!!! gross!!

Fish fear me: why do you even know what that is?!??

Unicorn lover: of course i know what that is everyone knows what that is

Fish fear me: no they dont ya gay boy

Unicorn lover: do you want me to check or not

Fish fear me: yes please

Unicorn lover: i will on one condition

Fish fear me: anything

Unicorn lover: you never tell me why you have a rash between your dick and your ass

Fish fear me: its actually a really funny story

Unicorn lover: NEVER

Fish fear me: cmon like youre not even a little bit curious

Unicorn lover:

Fish fear me: you aaaaare

Fish fear me: i know you too well

Unicorn lover: ok you can tell me 

Unicorn lover: but then ill only do it if you also shave mu qingfang completely bald

Fish fear me: dude?!!!! Do you want to ruin his entire reputation

Unicorn lover: yeah kinda

Fish fear me: lmao i get that

Fish fear me: im game

Fish fear me: one question? Do i have to shave him bald or is anything fair game if the final outcome is him as gollum

Unicorn lover: i was thinking pitbull but gollum is actually way funnier 

Unicorn lover: ill allow it

Fish fear me: fabulous

Fish fear me: now, my rash

Unicorn lover: not right now please 

Fish fear me: what??

Fish fear me: why nooooot

Unicorn lover: im around binghe right now and i dont want to taint his eyes with the sight

Fish fear me: but he cant even see it cucumber

Fish fear me: pleeeease

Unicorn lover: why is it so important for you to get this checked out right this instance

Fish fear me: im meeting my king in a bit

Unicorn lover: and you think youre going to be naked in front of him any time soon?

Fish fear me: …no but a boy can dream

Unicorn lover: boy? 

Unicorn lover: more like hag

Fish fear me: no bro its like when you went to a concert with your favourite bands and you prepped your hole just in case they invited you backstage

Unicorn lover: i never did that 

Unicorn lover: pervert

Fish fear me: oh yeah forgot you were a repressed bottom

Fish fear me: ok what about when you shaved your entire body for the slim chance your favourite idols invited you backstage

Unicorn lover: what the fuck is wrong with you

Fish fear me: a lot

Fish fear me: do you want to see my rash now?

Unicorn lover: I DONT WANT TO SEE IT YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT

Unicorn lover: IM JUST BEING KIND 

Unicorn lover: A GOOD FRIEND

Fish fear me: so thats a no?

Unicorn lover: YES ITS A NO

Fish fear me: is it because of binghe?

Fish fear me: are you abandoning me for binghe

Fish fear me: you ARE

Fish fear me: cucumber?

Fish fear me: where are you bro?

Fish fear me: bro

Fish fear me: i dont ignore you when im busy in my real life

Unicorn lover: you dont ignore me because you dont have anything going on in your real life

Fish fear me: lmao true

Unicorn lover: and mobei jun just arrived, had some message for binghe idk

Unicorn lover: what do you even see in him

Unicorn lover: want me to check on your rash now?

Fish fear me: no!!!! Omg not now that mobei juns there

Unicorn lover: youre such a hypocrite

Fish fear me: youre a hypocrite

Fish fear me: but like i dont want him to even be in the same room as my rash

Unicorn lover: …bro youre going to be in the same room as him

Unicorn lover: your rash is attached to you

Fish fear me: its not the same!!!!

Fish fear me: he doesnt know i have a rash

Unicorn lover: and why wont you just make mu qingfang check on it

Unicorn lover: im not a doctor

Fish fear me: idk hes been avoiding me lately

Unicorn lover: why the fuck would he be avoiding you

Fish fear me: idk bro but he is

Unicorn lover: maybe he can read your mind and knows that youre going to shave every hair molecule off his face

Fish fear me: lmao

Fish fear me: but yeah maybe i should just make him check it instead

Fish fear me: its just awkward

Unicorn lover: more awkward for your doctor to check on your perineum than me

Fish fear me: yah

Fish fear me: youre my friend its not weird

Fish fear me: id check on your awkward rash

Unicorn lover: …thats weirdly sweet

Fish fear me: shut up. whats the stitch with my king

Unicorn lover: ugh theyre talking

Unicorn lover: you have time to go to get it checked professionally

Fish fear me: ok im going

Fish fear me: but im still telling you how i got it

Unicorn lover: is that a threat?

Fish fear me: yeah

Unicorn lover: hmm

Unicorn lover: well done