Chapter Text

Regulus

_

In some places, time is stagnant.

Nothing grows but the grass, which dies as soon as it pokes out of the cracked dirt. The sun is merciless, and it comes day after day. Beating down, an unrelenting force. Time, as Regulus has learned, doesn’t always ease the sting. It still burns, creeping up his throat. And sometimes, he tilts his head up to the sky. Forces himself to look up at the sun, letting the full force of its brightness paint spots in his vision. It’s a masochistic pastime, like poking a bruise to feel it ache.

“Hey, pretty boy.”

“Hi, Susanna, cigarettes?” Regulus asked her even though he knew the answer. She’d been telling people she was quitting, so he figured he at least ought to pretend.

“My usual," she nodded. "And twenty on pump two. Though, I guess I don’t gotta tell you which pump, seeing as you only have one working,” she scoffed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Regulus muttered, scanning the three packs of cigarettes she always bought. He slid them across the counter. “I’m working on it.”

“Your daddy would've had it fixed by now,” she said crossing her arms.

“Unfortunately,” Regulus rolled his eyes, “I’m all you’ve got, so you’re gonna have to deal.”

“I had to wait ten minutes for Johnny Mackman to fill up that gigantic eyesore of a truck,” she complained.

“Tough luck.”

Susanna eyed him for a moment before huffing out a sigh. “Someone’s going to fix that little attitude of yours one day.”

“They can try. Go pump your gas, Susanna, before I have the next person in here complaining because you took too long.”

Susanna practically tossed her cash at him before turning sharply. Regulus watched the woman go, the bell jingling as the door shut behind her. He wasn’t worried, no doubt she’d be back in a few days and they’d go through the same script.

In a few weeks, he’d finally get the pump fixed and in a matter of time, something else would break. The door or pump one. Maybe the bathroom if God was feeling particularly vindictive. Whatever it was, everyone would complain about it and Regulus would tell them to suck it up. Things didn’t change. Or at least, it’d been a long time since they had.

Sure enough, a few minutes later the door opened. Gideon, the local mechanic stalked in unhappily.

“That woman is taking forever,” he complained leaning over the counter to glare at Regulus.

“I know.”

“You’ve gotta get your pump fixed.”

“I know.” Regulus’ attitude was not new to anyone and Gideon was entirely unbothered by his glare.

“So, how’ve you been, Regulus?” Gideon asked. He cast one more annoyed look to where Susanna was pumping her gas, admittedly, taking her sweet time. He sighed and turned back to Regulus.

“Nothing new," Regulus said simply.

“Eh, when is there ever? You seen Remus?”

“This morning, yeah.”

“If you see him tonight, tell him I’ll be down to look at that truck of his tomorrow. Alright?”

“Can't you just tell him it’s beyond repair?” Regulus asked hopefully.

“We’ll see,” Gideon shrugged. “I hope you didn’t sabotage it just because you hate that thing. It's a good truck, only a little on the old side, but aren’t they usually?”

“Except for Johnny’s, apparently.”

Gideon’s face twisted in disgust. “Gosh, I don’t know where he even got the money for that monstrosity. If you’re going to buy a fancy brand-new pickup, why choose something that ugly?”

“I hear he had some affair. He knocked the girl up and her dad paid him big money to keep quiet.”

“Damn,” Gideon’s eyebrows shot up. “Guess it didn’t work if you heard, huh?”

“In this place?” Regulus scoffed. “Of course not.”

Outside, Susanna finally pulled out of the parking lot and Gideon straightened up. "Shit, I better get my gas before another one of these fuckers beats me to it. See you, Reg. Tell Remus I’ll be down on my lunch break tomorrow. But if that thing keeps breaking, no more favors!”

“I’ll tell him.”

The rest of the day passed as always. More people complained, Regulus rolled his eyes at them. Life crawled by. 

Alice, one of his few other employees came in two minutes late, as she always did. As usual, Regulus threatened to fire her, but they both knew he wouldn’t. When he pulled his truck down the gravel driveway to his house, the night was warm. He jumped out and slammed the door, no doubt alerting the house's occupants to his presence. He could hear the bugs singing, a gentle song in the cool blue of dusk. His eyes caught on the tire swing at the far end of the yard. It swayed faintly in the breeze. Regulus blinked away the ghosts that lingered there.

The porch light was on, and the screen door propped open. Warm light from the house filtered into the night, leaving a strip of brightness on the lawn. Regulus climbed up the porch steps. He skipped the second step out of instinct. It had caved during a storm last year and had never been fixed. God, if his parents could see the state of the house, they’d lose their shit. Unfortunately for them, they were dead, so that wasn’t really Regulus’ problem anymore. He didn't take joy in causing them to roll in their graves, but he’d reprioritized a little.

Regulus shut the screen door. He paused in the entryway to peel off a sharp grass sticker that’d stuck to the bottom of his pants. The grass had begun to grow wild, and Regulus swore the blasted stickers wound up on every inch of him.

“We need to mow the lawn,” Regulus complained as he stepped into the warm kitchen.

“I think I said that last week,” Remus commented from the kitchen table. He barely looked up from his book as Regulus came in. “There’s dinner on the stove.”

“Boxed mac and cheese?” Regulus asked scooting around Remus’s chair to peer into the pot. “I’m surprised Luna didn’t inhale it all.”

“She tried, I rescued you some,” a soft voice said from the doorway.

“Thanks, Pandora,” Regulus told her, glancing towards the doorway. He grabbed a fork from the drawer, taking a bite right from the pot.

“Get a bowl, Reg,” Remus complained. He grabbed a random envelope from the table, using it to mark his page before snapping the book closed.

Regulus ignored him, continuing to eat at the stove as Pandora pulled out chair. She sat down with a tired sigh. 

“Are the little monsters asleep?” Regulus asked her.

“Finally,” Pandora nodded. “You’d think preschool would tire Luna out, but if anything, she comes home with more energy than ever.”

“She’s three,” Remus pointed out. “I think that’s the prime years for too much energy.”

“Better than the terrible twos,” Regulus muttered before hungrily taking another bite.

“That’s true,” Pandora grimaced. They sat in silence for a moment, no doubt remembering the horrifying, awful year that had been the terrible twos. Luna had grown out of the tantrums, thankfully. Now she was generally, a pretty quiet kid, but she also had more energy and awe for the world than most. She was very curious. This meant Regulus was often forced to answer a string of strange questions.

“Gideon says he’ll come see your truck tomorrow,” Regulus said taking another bite and swallowing before dropping his fork in the pot.

“Good,” Remus said tiredly. “I’m sorry, Reg, I cannot have you drive me to work one more time. You are the most horrid driver I’ve ever met.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck yourself.”

Pandora ignored this exchange. She propped her feet onto Regulus’s unoccupied chair as he leaned back against the stove. “You need anyone to pick up a shift this Sunday?” she asked Remus. “Molly Weasley invited the kids over. I guess Arthur got a raise and they bought a little pool. As long as you’re good with that, Reg, I figured we can let Molly have them for the day.”

“Fine with me, gives me a day to catch up on some shit for the store,” Regulus shrugged.

“Is it warm enough for the pool?” Remus raised his eyebrows. “Summer isn’t quite here yet.”

“They’re kids. Once it’s above sixty degrees they’re ready for the water. Don’t you remember how you boys used to be down by the creek as soon as winter was gone?” Pandora questioned.

Regulus didn’t flinch at "you boys" it’d been a long time since he had. Instead, he pretended that she only meant Regulus and Remus. He remembered it in a vacuum. Regulus pretended he only remembered Remus at the creek. Teaching him to skip stones, wading up to their knees, nothing more.

Remus rose from his seat, and Regulus watched as he winced, rolling his neck. He wondered if Remus pretended too, that wasn’t really something they talked about.

“Well, I can put you on the schedule, it never hurts to have another server. Especially on Sunday, when everyone comes in after church,” Remus said reaching past Regulus to grab the pot.

“Thanks, Remus,” Pandora smiled. “You’re the best.”

“Course,” he muttered. “You gonna finish this, Reg?”

Regulus snatched the fork out of the pot, taking another bite of the mac and cheese while Remus shook his head in disapproval. “Now I’m done.”

“If only everyone knew you’re an absolute heathen,” Remus shook his head, removing the pot from Regulus’s reach.

“I think they do,” Regulus shrugged.

From the other room, the phone began to ring and Remus sighed.

“I’ve got it,” Regulus told him. “And sit back down, I’ll take care of the pot.”

Remus listened, only because he knew by now how terribly stubborn Regulus was. Arguing would be pointless.

Regulus stepped into the hallway. He picked up the phone, tucking it between his cheek and shoulder. “Hello?” he asked as he headed back into the kitchen grabbing a Tupperware to scrape the leftovers into.

There was a moment of silence and Regulus was about to hang up, figuring it was a prank call or something. Then, there was a crackle on the other end of the line.

“Re-lus?” The voice was distorted over the phone, the middle of the word cutting out. Regulus frowned. Even with the fuzzy quality, it was incredibly familiar.

“Yeah, this is Regulus speaking. Who’s this?”

There was another crackle and suddenly, the sound became clearer. “It’s me.”

Regulus froze. “Sirius?”

There was a sudden bang as Remus turned so sharply, he knocked his glass of water over in shock. Pandora quickly stood, grabbing the glass before it could roll away. She ripped a paper towel from the roll on the table, leaning down to mop up the mess before it could spread. Remus just looked at Regulus eyes wide.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“I—” Regulus swallowed thickly. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, I mean, no… kind of. Um, I assume news hasn’t reached town yet, but Effie died a few weeks ago.”

“Effie’s dead?” Regulus repeated, suddenly remembering the soft woman. How kind she had always been. Regulus hadn’t thought about her in a long time, not since the Potters had left town.

“Yeah, the cancer finally got the best of her. I guess even the fancy East Coast doctors can only do so much. Though, it's still better than anything she would have gotten back there.” Sirius said there, referring to their hometown—Regulus’ home—as if it were a curse word.

“What do you want?” Regulus snapped and Sirius was silent for a long moment.

“I’m not trying to fight Reggie, I just want to talk.”

“We haven’t talked in six years,” Regulus scoffed. “With all due respect, Effie was great, but I don’t see why you think I care enough to call.”

“Firstly, you never tried to call me either, and secondly, you do care.” Sirius insisted. “I know you always loved her—”

“She wasn’t my mother,” Regulus scoffed. “Cut to the fucking chase.”

Regulus expected Sirius to snap at him or hang up the phone and that would be that. No more Black brothers, no Sirius and Regulus, just as it’d been since Regulus was seventeen. But much to his surprise, Sirius huffed out a long breath as if he was trying to steady himself. He didn’t curse Regulus out or hang up the phone.

“The Potters still own their house, Effie always wanted to go back if she—” Sirius broke off. “Well, you know. But obviously, that didn’t happen so now that house is sitting empty. I think they’ve been paying Augusta Longbottom to upkeep it, but it’s time to sell it. It's got to be emptied out though, so we were going to be coming down for a few weeks to get things in order.”

“We?” Regulus repeated, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah, James and I,” Sirius said as if ‘we’ couldn’t possibly mean something else. Really, it didn’t, Regulus wasn’t sure why he’d even asked. There was no Sirius without James, and no James without Sirius.

“You’re coming here?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Okay, great, whatever. I don’t see what that has to do with me.”

“I- I wanted to see you.”

“No,” Regulus said instantly.

“Reggie—”

“No! No, absolutely not. You do not get to call me up after six fucking years and then act like you want to… what? Reconnect? No way. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to see you. You made your bed, so lie in it.” Regulus hung up the phone before Sirius could say anything else. Anything that would drive the jagged blade any deeper. It had been rusting in his chest for six years. It remained there, a sharp reminder with every exhale.

“Reg?” Pandora questioned softly into the silence that followed.

Regulus just stood there, heart twisting in knots. “Stupid, fucking inconsiderate, piece of absolute—”

“Daddy?”

Regulus broke off suddenly, spinning to face the doorway, softening instantly. “Why are you up?” he asked gently.

Blinking with wide eyes, the little boy just stood there for a moment. His black curls were sticking up in the back and Regulus sighed, holding out a hand to beckon him forward. “C’mere, Cassie.”

Smiling, he bounded forward launching himself into Regulus’s arms. “I missed you!”

“I saw you this morning Cassiopeia,” Regulus pointed out. He pressed a kiss to the boy's forehead anyway as he lifted him up.

“That was far away ago.”

It was a mark of how shocked Remus still was by the phone conversation that had taken place that he didn't say a word. Normally, he would have tried to kindly correct Cassie’s grammar, but now he was silent, fists clenched tightly.

A part of Regulus wanted to scream.

How dare you still be in love with him.

But really, that’d be a little hypocritical.

“Let’s get you to bed, you have school in the morning," Regulus murmured. he swallowed the scream that itched at the back of his throat. The taste of blood was heavy on his tongue.

“Will you read me a story?” Cassie asked hopefully.

“I bet you ten bucks, that Auntie Pandora already read you and Luna a story.”

“Daddy,” Cassie frowned. “I have one dollar.”

“Don’t worry, you can keep it,” Regulus told him gently. Any conflicting feelings he had about hanging up on Sirius were suddenly gone. He knew his priorities; he wasn’t about to disrupt his carefully balanced life for a brother who had never wanted him anyway.

Remus

_

It wasn’t that Remus never thought of Sirius Black. That was probably an impossible feat. Especially, seeing as every inch of town was painted with reminders.

Sirius was the kind of person who had never existed quietly. Everything about him drew attention, even when he was a child it was like he was born to shine. Remus had always been entranced by him. The first time they’d met, Remus had been four. He was sitting at the counter of his parent’s diner, scribbling on a piece of paper while his mother worked. Then, a toddler had come running over. He’d looked up at Remus with wide eyes. At a whole four years, old, Remus thought the little boy was a baby, not like himself. He’d looked around for the boy’s parents, but no parents came. Instead, another boy had appeared over, grabbing the toddler by the hand.

“No, Reggie! Come on, Reggie,” the second boy said. “Papa is waiting.

“Is that your brother?” Remus asked. At the time, he’d been longing for a baby sibling, and he looked at the pair with wide eyes.

“His name is Reggie,” Sirius had told him seriously. “We gotta go. Papa is waiting.”

“What’s your name?”

“Sirius.”

“Sir-i-us…” Remus said slowly, trying out the syllables.

“What’s your name?” Sirius asked.

“Remus.”

“That’s a funny name.”

Remus frowned unhappily. Who was this kid to speak? Sirius was a funny name too!

Before Remus could tell him so, a tall man appeared taking the boys by the arm and ushering them out of the diner. That had been that. Except, when they started school that fall, Sirius plopped down next to Remus. He'd started talking as if they were already friends. As if it were nothing. After that, Remus became Sirius’. To that day, even in his mid-twenties, somehow, he still was.

Everything felt like Sirius, even the diner. The only thing that had always belonged more to Remus.

“I can come by on my break,” Regulus said with a frown as Remus began to lay out some crayons on the counter.

“You’re fretting,” Remus rolled his eyes. “Stop that.”

Regulus somehow managed to frown harder. “I’m serious, Rem, I feel terrible for dumping him on you—”

“Nope,” Remus held up a hand. “Enough of that. It’s better to have a kid here than at the gas station. I spent tons of time at the diner as a kid. Cass will color, I’ll keep an eye on him. All my staff will come over to coo over how precious he is and not do their jobs. You know the drill. Go to work so poor Alice can go home. If you have time to come by on your break, then great. If not, Cassie and I are fine.”

Regulus took a deep breath, a deep frown still painting his lips. “I just hate this. I never work Saturdays, that’s the one day I get with him. If Evan is still sick next week I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“He has a cold,” Remus pointed out. “They don’t last that long. For today this is fine. Sure, it’d be better if you didn’t have to work, but you have to cover Evan’s shift. With Pandora out of town today, there’s nothing else to be done. We’re fine, so get the fuck out of my diner.”

“Fine,” Regulus shook his head. “Cassiopeia, I’m going.”

Cassie was already happily absorbed in trying to make his crayons stand up straight. He paused just long enough to let his father kiss him on the cheek before turning back to his task.

“See,” Remus raised his eyebrows. “Cass doesn’t even need you.”

Regulus punched Remus lightly on the arm as he headed towards the door. “Fuck you, Lupin!”

“Fuck you!” Remus called as Regulus disappeared, finally removing himself and his incessant worrying from Remus’ diner.

Remus had Luna and Cassie in the diner often. It was a hazard of having kids. They struggled to find childcare, even when they were technically a three-parent household. They were lucky that Remus and Regulus had both inherited businesses from their parents. Pandora hadn’t been so lucky. When she’d gotten pregnant, she had been floating from job to job. She was still so young. She had nothing to her name and in the past, was estranged from her family. As Regulus had decided, the logical conclusion was to move in together.

Remus had been living with Regulus since he’d called him up at eighteen. Regulus had been in a frantic panic, saying that he’d gotten a girl pregnant and now had a baby. Remus had gone over that night, and they’d read over every book they could find about raising a child. At the time, it only made things more confusing. A day later Pandora showed up. As a former babysitter, she had the most knowledge of children. Slowly, as a team, they began to piece things together. Pandora had practically lived there since then, so it wasn’t a big shift when she became a permanent member of the household.

Together, while unconventional, the three of them had built a life, a routine. Remus knew that most of the town was convinced Pandora and Regulus were in a relationship. They let people believe it. With their combined incomes, they were able to live as comfortably as possible. Of course, good times came and went, but combined, they kept shit together. There had been a year when a twister had damaged the diner so extensively, they’d been closed for seven months. Remus was grateful every day. If it weren’t for Regulus and Pandora, he would have ended up broke, on the streets, or maybe in the same trailer park he’d been born in.

He knew he’d made it this far because of the people around him. It’d been his parents' years of saving and hard work that meant Remus didn’t have to grow up the same way they did. Instead, he’d lived in an actual house since he was ten. And even the days in the trailer when the diner had first started out, meant Remus never had to go to bed hungry.

So sometimes, Remus felt guilty. Like he hadn’t earned any of the things he had. The diner was his because his mother had died, and his father couldn't bear to set foot in the place any longer. Remus didn’t deserve it. He'd ended up doing well enough for himself. No surprise teen pregnancies at least. So, Remus wanted to watch Cassie when it was needed or secretly pay Pandora’s part of a bill whenever he could. Both of his friends had children, and Remus only had himself, so he was happy to help out. he wanted to help them lessen their load however possible.

It didn’t hurt that Remus absolutely adored Luna and Cass. He’d always believed he didn’t like children, and he never thought he’d have them anyway. Remus Lupin had known he was gay from the time he was in preschool. He had no interest in marrying a girl he couldn’t love. That was a death sentence for his prospects of having a family. One might think, but, Remus, you could adopt. Yeah, no. Might as well slap a red sign on his forehead reading: I'M GAY.

You didn’t come out in his hometown, not that far south. He was sure many people guessed he was gay as he’d never so much as had a girlfriend, but there was a certain kind of code. As long as he never said anything and never got caught kissing a boy, it was fine. He kept his respect and his business. That was that. Coming out… was a New York or California kind of thing. Not for Remus, not for the middle of fucking nowhere.

Remus didn’t really mind anyway. He was out to the few people closest to him, and that was good enough. A lot of people wanted more, bigger, elsewhere… not Remus Lupin, thank you very much. He was happy where he was. He had Regulus, Pandora, the kids, and his diner. Remus didn’t need more.

“Hi, excuse me?”

Regulus turned. The first thing he registered was the shocking fact that he didn’t recognize the woman. Occasionally, they got people traveling through, but even many of those, he tended to recognize. There was a family that road-tripped through every summer. They would always stop at the diner and the same truckers popped up every once in a while. An entirely unrecognizable newcomer was rare, especially as the woman didn’t seem like a truck driver.

“Yes?” Remus asked as the woman smiled pushing her long red hair.

“I just wanted to know if I’m able to order something to-go?” She questioned. “My friends are on their way over.”

“Course, did you need to wait a minute for them?”

“Please,” she said and everything about her screamed that she wasn’t from around. She was far too tanned for how early in the summer it still was— unless she were a farmer, but then Remus would recognize her. Her ears were pierced in multiple places, dainty gold earrings hanging off them. The earrings glinted prettily, and they looked expensive and delicate. Not to mention she had bright red hair. The only redheads Remus knew were the Weasleys, and she didn’t look like a Weasley.

“Let me get you a menu to look over,” Remus said, turning to the other side of the counter to grab one for her. Cass was still seated happily at the counter, doing some drawing that included a lot of yellow crayon and scribbling. So far as Remus had expected, the little boy was well-behaved. Earlier in the day, he'd gotten antsy and they’d had to go for a walk. Now, he seemed content, drawing and munching on the french fries Remus had given him.

The door opened. Out of the corner of his eye Remus saw the redhead turn with a greeting, but paid no mind. For some reason, none of the menus were where they belonged, and he had to dig around to find a stray one.

“Moony, Moony!” he heard Cass call from the counter.

“Hold on, baby.”

“Uncle Moony! Please look!”

Remus straightened with a sigh finally finding a menu. “Cassie, remember we talked about the fact that I’m working—" Remus stopped dead, as suddenly he was face-to-face with Sirius fucking Black.

They blinked at each other for a minute both staring in shock before Sirius’s lips (as perfect and pretty as always, goddamnit) twisted in confusion. “You’re not supposed to be here.” Sirius said blankly.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Remus muttered.

“I heard this place was under new management.”

“Yeah, mine.”

“Oh.”

“Uh, hi, Remus?”

Remus tore his gaze from Sirius’s face. He tried not to think about the fact that his hair was longer now, and he was wearing fucking leather. There, standing next to the redhead, was James Potter. Because God had apparently forsaken Remus. Shit.

Technically, he’d known Sirius and James would be back in town since Sirius had called a few weeks earlier. However, knowing and seeing them standing there in his diner, were two different things.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath before opening them again. “Hi, James," he said flatly.

“Uncle Moony?” Cassie was looking between them eyes wide and yellow crayon held aloft as he scrutinized the newcomers.

“Sorry, Cassie, what was it you wanted?” Cassie was still frowning, and Remus reached across the counter to gently pull on one of his curls. “Hey, it’s okay. Did you want to show me your drawing?”

Cassie frowned for a second longer before nodding seriously. He pushed it towards Remus. “Look, it’s our family.”

“Oh wow, that’s very nice.” Remus smiled, even though he couldn’t make out a single person-shaped figure amongst the scribbles.

“That’s Daddy,” Cassie nodded, pausing as he pointed to a section of scribbles. “Well, he’s under there. I gave him a blanket. And then there’s Auntie Pandora, and you, and Luna. See I did her hair.” Ah, so that’s what the yellow had been for.

Remus couldn’t help but smile even though he could feel Sirius’ gaze drilling a hole right through him. “That’s very nice, I like all the yellow,” Remus said gently.

“Thank you! Can I have more fries, please?”

“Nope, your dad will be mad at me. You’ll have dinner soon.”

“Can we have fries for dinner?”

“You can ask Dad, but he’ll say no.”

Cassie huffed out a sigh, peering down into his empty container of fries and then back to his drawing. He leaned forward, adding a bit more yellow to the monster that was Luna’s hair.

Remus shook his head, turning back to his customers— because that’s what they were, regardless of who they’d been in the past.

“Did you still want to place a to-go order?”

“Sure…” the woman said uncertainly. Sirius just continued to stare and James shifted uncomfortably. “I’m Lily, by the way.”

Remus blinked at her for a moment before pushing the menu he was still holding toward her. “Remus.”

“Nice to meet you, Remus.”

“I’d say likewise, but really, y’all are ruining my night here.”

The door opened and Remus held back a sigh. He was thankful to have another customer or something to focus on. Anything besides the way Sirius’ bright eyes were on Remus like he physically couldn’t look away.

Instead, the person who walked in was the only one who could make the situation more uncomfortable.

“Sorry, Rem, I tried to get out earlier, but Alice came in late—” Regulus stopped dead in his tracks. Remus tried to contain his wince, but he couldn’t help it as both James and Sirius looked at Regulus. Remus felt the tension in the diner increase a tenfold.

“Daddy!” Cassie tried to scramble down from his stool. Instantly, Regulus was pushing past the guests, catching the little boy before he could topple over.

“Jesus, Cassiopeia,” Regulus frowned. “We’ve talked about this, if you can’t be careful on the stools you can’t sit on them.”

“Daddy, can we have fries for dinner?”

“We have food at home, where’s your bag?” Cassie pointed to the corner behind the host stand and Regulus put Cassie safely on the ground. “Okay, go grab it please.”

As Cassie ran off to the corner, Regulus’ gaze flicked to Remus, and they held each other's eyes for a second. Regulus mimed hold a gun to his head in a silent gesture and Remus swatted at him from across the counter.

“You know I don’t appreciate your suicide jokes,” Remus scolded under his breath.

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I figured this once I’d get a pass,” he muttered. His eyes flicked over to Sirius and James, before back to Remus, almost like he was afraid to look.

“That’s your kid? You- you have a son, Regulus?”

Regulus turned to his brother, mouth twisting. “That’s not any of your business.”

Remus could see it, the exact moment Lily seemed to realize that the two were brothers. Her gaze switching between them as they stared off. The two bore a lot of similarities. Though lessened now that they both seemed to have found freedom in themselves. Still, under the differences in their styles and the way they held themselves, the resemblance was striking. Even more so as Cassie ran back over, his bag in hand. He attached himself to Regulus’s leg and Remus watched as all of them— Lily, Sirius, and James all looked down at him. Remus tried to imagine he didn’t know Cassie as if he were his own son. To imagine how he might look to someone who was seeing him now, for the first time.

Cass was Regulus’s spitting image in most aspects. His dark curls were exact, as was the swoop of his nose and the tilt of his lips. He had the same freckles across his cheeks and the same long lashes. The only difference was their skin and eyes. Cassie wasn’t quite as pale, his skin had a little more color than his father's. As for their eyes, Regulus’s eyes were dark grey and icy while Cassie’s were warm. A soft amber, that he’d no doubt inherited from his mother.

“Regulus—”

“No, no don’t even bother. I was clear that I didn’t want to talk to you, and I don’t need you butting into my life.” Regulus voice was beginning to rise, and Remus was thankful the diner was empty. The last thing they needed was an audience. Though he was sure the news of Sirius and James’ return would spread in record time anyway.

“Daddy?” Even though Cass had no idea what was going on, he was old enough to register the rising tension. He looked to at Regulus worriedly, eyes wide.

Instantly, every line of Regulus softened. The clench of his jaw and sharp burn of his glare melted away as he turned to his son. “Hey, little star…” he murmured crouching down to take Cassie’s face in his hand.

“Are you mad?”

“No, no. I’m Sorry, Cassiopeia,” he whispered leaning close. “I’m not mad at you.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die. C’mon, do I ever yell at you?”

Cassie shook his head, frowning deeply before throwing his arms around Regulus’s neck. Regulus lifted the little boy up, grabbing his bag with one hand and rising to his feet.

“I can’t do this,” Regulus said stiffly, looking to Sirius and then to Remus. He noticed that Regulus didn’t even look in James’s direction. Not for the first time, Remus could help but wonder what the fuck had happened between them. They’d all been friends, but James and Regulus had become, very close during high school. Remus couldn’t imagine what had gone down that caused Regulus to be unable to even look James in the eye. Not when he could stare down the brother who had abandoned him.

“I’ll see you at home?” Remus asked softly.

“Yeah, yeah,” Regulus said softly. “Cassie, say bye to Remus.” He held Cassie over the counter and Remus leaned over to give him a kiss.

“Bye, Moony!”

“Bye baby, I’ll see you tonight.” Cassie smiled at that, his worry seemingly forgotten. Remus just patted him fondly on the cheek. “Make something decent for dinner Reg, love you.”

“Go fuck yourself, It’s Pandora’s turn to cook.”

“No, it’s not, don’t lie to me. And even if it were, you know how she folds for Luna. If you let her cook, we’ll eat more mac and cheese, and I cannot do that another day this week.”

“Fine,” Regulus sighed. “Bye, Rem.”

“Bye, I love you, Moony!” Cassie yelled, waving over Regulus’s shoulders. Regulus pushed past James, Sirius, and Lily, not even sparing them a glance.

Remus waved and the door shut behind them, leaving Remus alone with the visiting group. He wanted to blow his brains out or beg Regulus to come back, so at least they’d be a team, but that was selfish. Regulus had far more to lose, and he was right to remove himself and Cassie from the situation.

“My brother has a child,” Sirius whispered, almost more to himself. He watched out the window as Regulus and Cass pulled out of the parking lot.

“Sirius,” James said softly, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Remus realized, much to his surprise; it was only the second time James had spoken through the encounter. James had never been someone who kept quiet, and Remus couldn’t help but study him. There was something different, something completely out of place. It was ill-fitting on James Potter’s shoulders. Remus couldn’t quite place it. Was it grief? He’d just lost his mother, that was a feeling Remus knew well.

“He has a kid,” Sirius said again, still in quite a state of shock. Then he was turning to Remus. “How old is he?”

“I don’t think I should tell you that,” Remus said stiffly.

Sirius didn’t respond immediately. He just blinked as if he were somehow surprised that he was looking at Remus despite turning towards him. Sirius’s eyes scanned Remus’s face before swallowing. “You’ve been here this whole time? You- you’ve been with Regulus?”

“Somebody had to.”

Not only did Sirius stiffen at that, but James flinched too.

“I didn’t know… I- I had to leave—”

“Spare me,” Remus said coolly.

“You made your decisions the same as I made mine,” Sirius bit out.

“Yeah, but I can live with mine.”

“So can I.”

“Then what are you doing?” Remus threw a hand in the air. “Leave Regulus alone, leave me alone. We have a life, and you aren’t part of it. Don’t pry into Regulus’ history. If he wanted you to know, you would have. But you left him. You left him here to rot, so his son and our family are not your business.”

“Our,” Sirius repeated, his mouth twisting bitterly. “What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t ever remember you and Reggie being so buddy-buddy.”

“First of all,” Remus scoffed crossing his arms. “I’ve known Regulus just as long as I’ve known you, which is oh, you know, my entire life. Secondly, we didn’t have anyone else. So yes, our family. Me and Regulus because I have been by his side every step of the way, and you were nowhere to be found.”

“Funny that you’re conveniently forgetting the details. Oh, boo-hoo, I’m the villain for leaving. You left too.”

Remus scowled ready to tear into Sirius but James spoke first.

“Sirius,” James cut in. “I think we should just go.”

“Prongs—”

“No, please,” James said, and god, Remus really was curious about the pleading ache in his voice.

Because Sirius’ changes made complete sense. The stupid leather jacket, the earrings, the hint of tattoo ink poking out from his sleeve. It was all so Sirius. He’d always been that underneath the plain t-shirts and jeans. He had always shone through so brightly. Bright enough, Remus thought he’d always see Sirius imprinted on the backs of his eyelids every time he blinked.

James was different than Sirius. His brightness had never been beaten down. He spilled over with every bit of his warmth, and his parents had always encouraged it. He’d always had a little bit of humbling and maturing to do, but Remus had known exactly who he’d be when it happened. James Potter was one of the best people Remus had known, there was no bad blood between them. Losing James had only ever been a hazard of losing Sirius.

And sure, Remus had missed James, missed the person who had been one of his best friends his entire life. He’d missed Peter too. Peter Pettigrew, who had grown up in the house next door with his blonde hair and constant nervous energy. Remus didn’t talk to him anymore either. Even though he knew Peter didn't speak to James and Sirius either. Because that was an ugly, twisted symptom of growing up. Or maybe, it was just being Remus Lupin.

The only person he’d ever kept was the last one he expected, Regulus Black.

And Regulus? He’d been ruined by James, by whatever happened. So, Remus couldn’t let himself ponder James’ difference. They were not friends anymore, Remus’s curiosity aside. But sometimes, he found himself aching for that James Potter smile. Sometimes he thought James would know what to do when the world got too heavy. Sometimes he’d look back. He’d wonder if Peter still bounced on the balls of his feet when he was nervous. If he hated them all just as much as Remus hated Sirius.

Because if there was one thing Remus had found, it was that you can’t hate anyone more than someone who used to love you. Someone who used to know you, hold your soul in their hands. God, if he could take it back, rip that knowledge, from Sirius, James, even Peter… he would. Because to be known was to allow yourself to be ruined. That’s probably what happened to Regulus. It’s what happened to Pandora.

It was the three of them, tangled up together, left behind. Known and then discarded.

So Remus didn’t say a word as James took Sirius by the shoulder forcing him out the door. Lily turned back for only a second to look at him apologetically.

“Sorry about this, probably best to get food somewhere else.”

“Probably,” was all Remus said instead of asking who she was and how she knew James and Sirius. Instead of what happened to James. Instead of bring Sirius back in here right now and ask him how the hell he ever believed I would end up anywhere else.

Remus watched her go, long red curls glinting in the setting sun as the door swung shut behind her. He wished he could be unknown.

But some people are made to be known. Stagnant, rooted.

Remus was made to be born and die in this place, disintegrating back into the same dirt he came from.

Regulus

__

The thing about Regulus Black was that he was born with a hole in his chest.

The thing about Regulus Black, was that when he came home from the hospital, his father frowned at the price tag on the car seat and asked:

Did we really need another child?

In the end, the answer was yes. Because if Regulus had a hole, Sirius had whatever he was missing.

Some people were just like that. Filled up to the brim, spilling over. But each day, Regulus’s fingers scraped the bottom, fingernails dragging, breath catching. He tried and tried and tried. But he couldn’t fill himself up. It didn’t work when someone else tried either.

Because the other thing, the James Potter thing, was that he’d never met a space he didn’t want to fill. And he tried, he’d really tried. Regulus didn’t fault him for failing. He did fault him for continuing to give, even when there was nothing in Regulus but dust as ash. As useless as the cigarette butts dropped on curbs and street corners.

“Don’t you want to get out, be somebody?” Sirius had asked, his eyes alight with the possibilities, the entire night sky shining in them. He had so much to give, so much to offer.

“I guess,” Regulus had shrugged instead of the truth. Instead of I’ve never wanted anything in my life. I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I think I’m supposed to want things or have dreams, but I’m not sure I’ve ever felt a thing.

Instead of I think you took that from me.

Regulus didn’t have time to become a father. One day he wasn’t and then he was. Regulus didn’t have much of a say in the matter. If he had, he wouldn’t have chosen to. Regulus was rotten and empty. If his parents were proof of anything, it was that cold, rotting individuals, should not have children.

So, Regulus, Regulus Black who was surely just like them, should not have had a child.

Except…

He’d looked at his son, the first time Cassie had felt safe enough to fall asleep in Regulus’ arms. He had examined the soft curve of his baby cheek, his tiny little fingers, and wisps of hair, already coming in dark. For the first time, Regulus had seen himself and hadn’t been able to hate it.

That was when he’d known that he wasn’t like his parents after all. Because he’d looked at his beautiful little baby, and he’d known he would die before he ever hurt him. He’d been sick with the thought that his parents had ever held him like this, and still, been able to hurt him.

So, they were not alike. But there was still a hole. Regulus spent every day trying to cover it, so none of that emptiness would ever leak out and touch his son.

Really, he thought he did a rather good job.

Because he drove home, he put on dinner and late-night cartoons on the old crackling TV. He gently braided Luna’s hair while the food was simmering. He listened to Pandora rant about her mother and the slow mending of their relationship. He propped open the screen door so that some of the unbearable heat might escape the house. He put some food aside for Remus, then, Regulus and Pandora put the kids to bed.

And all the while, there was a hole caving in inside his chest. Gaping, full of a sickness that screamed in Regulus’s ears. The world was spinning and his anger and bitterness fought their way up his throat. And Regulus? He swallowed around it. His voice stayed soft, his hands stayed gentle.

Regulus was angry and drowning in a numbness he never figured out how to stop feeling. But Luna and Cassie would never learn to flinch away from it. They wouldn’t fear it. Regulus would never let it touch them.

So, he left a light on in the kitchen for Remus and he climbed the stairs. He skipped the top step on instinct because it creaked. It had always creaked, since Regulus was a child. Sometimes he still didn’t feel like he was allowed to exist in the house.

But Regulus existed. He was still here.

He decided to drown out the ravenous hole with music. He turned on the CD player Remus got Regulus for his birthday last year, letting it take his focus.

The music wasn’t really enough, but Regulus decided to pretend it was. He collapsed on his bed still fully dressed in his clothes from the day, closing his eyes.

It didn’t feel like much time passed, but then Regulus heard his door open and felt the bed dip. He knew it must have been hours. The CD had finished going through its tracklist. Regulus was too heavy, to get up and restart it, his bones full of lead.

“Move over,” Remus muttered. Regulus didn’t, so of course, Remus didn’t bother to wait. He just shoved Regulus unceremoniously until he could fit on the bed as well.

They lay there for a long time, Regulus still didn’t open his eyes, the house was quiet.

Eventually, he felt Remus roll over, pressing his face into the side of Regulus’ arm. It was a quiet point of contact, a little whisper of affection.

Once, Regulus hadn’t known he could love a person that much. Not in the way he loved Remus at least. Because yes, Regulus had loved Sirius with every single bleeding, aching bit of his heart. Yes, he had been willing to cut himself open, to break off his ribs and place the jagged pieces in James’s hands. But you heard about those things.

The poets wrote their stanzas and the world’s heart beat for those sorts of love… familial, romantic. No one told Regulus he could love a friend like they were the untarnished half of his rotten soul.

Remus Lupin was probably more of Regulus’ soulmate than his brother or the love of his life would or could ever be.

“Today hurt,” Regulus whispered into the silence. That was an understatement.

It wasn’t hurt. It was going through years of painstaking, agonizing, treatment to heal a wound, only for it to be ripped back open, deeper than before. It was watching Sirius’ retreating back, collapsing on the other side of the door. It was the look on James Potter’s face, disgust and horror like he was seeing Regulus for the first time.

“Maybe I am whatever disgusting person you think I am. But if I’m going to hell, then you have to know I’ll see you down there.”

And Regulus had snapped, anger raging, glass shattering on the wall. James had flinched.

They’d never spoken again.

“It did,” Remus said softly, even though they both knew hurt didn’t cover it.

Even though Sirius probably stained Remus’s what-ifs and nightmares.

Regulus had always believed in God. These days, that belief only scared him.

Because if there was a god, he was cruel. He was a terrible, vindictive being. He had made Sirius and Remus for each other and then dropped them in a world where they’d never quite catch each other.

Sometimes Pandora would turn on the news, or she’d bring home a magazine and she’d say: Look! Look how progressive! Look, some places are different. Look, you know they have parades? It’s normal for people to be like that.

Except, the words “normal” and “like that” painted a clear picture of otherness.

She never said: I know what you are. She didn’t need to. They all knew.

And maybe, in some places, it was okay, or even normal, but they were too far south. The dirt was too cracked, and the faces were too familiar. If it was okay, it wasn’t here.

If it was okay, Regulus was pretty sure it wouldn’t hurt this much.

“I love you,” Regulus whispered. Remus didn’t respond but Regulus knew he’d heard it. It was a careful thing when Regulus dared to speak the words aloud. He said it freely to Luna and Cassie, but it was harder with Remus, Pandora, and anyone else. Anyone who knew that for Regulus, love was a curse.

“I love you too,” Remus muttered and that was that.

It couldn’t be acknowledged too deeply. Because Remus would say it in passing. When Regulus was leaving for work or sometimes, after a particularly bad argument, but Regulus rarely said it back. They knew it, but knowing it and speaking it out into the universe were two very different things.

“James seems different.”

Regulus froze, his breath catching in his throat. “Does he?” he forced out, trying to sound casual. He didn't, but Remus didn’t ask, even though Regulus knew he’d always been curious about what had happened.

Remus hummed in response. “I’m not really sure what it is, though. He was quiet, it’s not really like him. He seems weird.”

“Or, you just don’t know him anymore.”

“No,” Remus said instantly. “No… I guess some people you can unknow, but not us. Not James, not Sirius, or Pete…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath. “Anyway, what do you think, that woman Lily, could she be James’s girlfriend?”

Regulus’s stomach flipped. “Could be.” Because if she was anyone’s girlfriend, it wasn’t Sirius’, and why else would she be there? Did casual friends accompany you to your hometown?

“Maybe we won’t have to see them again,” Remus said hopefully. Regulus just nodded.

Perhaps, Regulus would be allowed to have this one thing… but he couldn’t feel too hopeful.

Regulus was fairly sure he was being punished.

Chapter Text

James

_

James spent plenty of years looking at Regulus. He’d look over when the boy would talk. When he’d throw a tantrum or cross his arms and call them all dumb. James looked, and he glanced. He never really saw Regulus though.

And then, it happened—summer of ’96.

James was searching for Sirius, and everyone knew if Sirius wasn’t with James, then he was with Remus.

So, James—fifteen, glasses sliding down his nose in the summer heat—had pushed open the front door of the Lupin’s diner. Moony’s, was usually the place he knew he’d find his friends.

And Sirius had been there, helping Remus wipe tables while they whispered in the quiet way they always did, a sacred little secret between them that James couldn’t touch.

Then, there Regulus had been. It was no surprise, he went most places Sirius did, but the difference on this particular day… James had looked.

James had looked and Regulus had been there.

Leaning over the counter, in cut-off denim shorts and a faded green shirt. He had his head in his hand, a pen pressed between his lips, as he frowned down at a crossword puzzle. He’d been starting high school that year, his hair had gotten longer, his cheekbones sharpened.

James had seen Regulus that day and he’d never been able to stop looking.

Sometimes, James would close his eyes, and all he could see was himself stepping forward. The quiet of the diner, the sun filtering through the dusty windows.

Hope Lupin was in the corner, pouring coffee for one of the regulars. She waved and so did the man she was serving. Everyone knew James and James knew them. But for once, he didn’t smile, didn’t wave just stood there, eyes glued to Regulus Black.

Regulus. Sirius’ Regulus, was breathtaking. Had he always been that way? Had James never noticed before, or had something changed overnight?

“Something wrong?”

James blinked. Regulus was looking back, his eyes dark, bottomless pools of grey. James wanted to get closer. Had they always been so colorless? Sirius’ eyes were grey too, but closer to blue. It was a more striking effect, bright and instantly noticeable. On Regulus, the grey was quieter, darker, like it was designed to test you. A person had to pay attention to truly realize how beautiful he was. In every way that Sirius was loud and unforgettable, Regulus was soft, and quiet. His beauty hid behind the shy shift of his gaze, the way he always thought too long before he spoke.

“Jamie?” Regulus was the only one who called James that. The only one who was allowed to. James had never considered it to mean anything before. Regulus had been young when they’d met, and he’d had a hard time pronouncing the ‘S’ at the end of James’ name. It’d started as Jame where Regulus would simply leave off the end, but at some point, morphed into Jamie.

James hated the nickname; he always had. He would swiftly cut off anyone who tried to call him that. Anyone except Regulus.

“Sorry, I was looking for Sirius,” James said. The words felt muffled as he looked at Regulus. As if James were hearing himself talking from a distance.

“Well, you found him.” Regulus gestured to Sirius who was still leaning close to Remus, caught in their own world.

“Maybe—” James paused. “Maybe I’ll just leave them to it,” he murmured shaking his head. “They seem busy.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. Remus and Sirius were probably the only two who didn’t know they orbited each other.

“I was going to see if he wanted to help me at the farmer’s market,” James continued when Regulus didn’t speak. That’s how it often was. James had long ago learned that when Regulus fell silent, it was best to simply keep talking. “Are you busy, or do you want to come?”

Regulus shrugged straightening up. “I guess I can do my crossword at the booth.”

James brightened, a wide grin painting his face. “Great! Your parents aren’t around, right?”

“Nah, my dad is at the gas station and my mom is still out of town.”

James nodded, that was the best outcome. The Blacks were absent a lot, but that was better than the alternative. Because at least James could watch out for Sirius and Regulus. He could take them home and feed them when their parents left the house empty and cold. He couldn’t do anything about the beatings. So secretly, though no one would ever say it aloud, they all breathed a sigh of relief when Sirius and Regulus’ parents were gone.

Regulus gathered up his things and followed James out into the summer heat. James’ dad made no comment when James appeared with Regulus in tow. He only put them to work organizing the fresh fruits and vegetables in the stall.

After a few hours, Monty Potter turned to the two boys with a smile. “Thanks for the help, why don’t you two get yourselves a treat,” he said, pressing a few dollar bills into James’ hand. “I hear Miller is selling her pecan pies today.”

James instantly brightened, and Regulus just nodded, shyly. It’s not that he wasn’t comfortable with Monty, but rather, that was just Regulus. He was always so hesitant to accept any kindness or affection.

They quickly hurried off into the market. The dirt was cracked and dry as they made their way through the stalls, waving hello as people greeted them. When they’d successfully acquired their mini pies, they hopped up onto the back of Monty’s truck, feet swinging over the ground.

“Do you look different?” James asked Regulus. He turned to watch him as Regulus wiped his hands, setting aside the foil pie tin.

“Different?” Regulus frowned, looking down at himself and then back up at James. “No.”

James’ brow furrowed, eyes searching over Regulus’ skin. He tried to find something he could grab onto, something that would explain how Regulus was different. But really, he was the same. He had the same messy curls and the same spatter of freckles over his nose. His wrists were still thin, his fingers delicate. Except, James had never considered putting his lips to Regulus’ knuckles before. Now, he couldn’t stop. Regulus’ frown was the same as ever when he tilted his head to meet James’ gaze.

James could see the glint of the cross necklace that hung around Regulus’ neck as he leaned forward. Sirius never wore one, he didn’t believe in that shit. Frankly, James didn’t either. His parents were against organized religion, but that wasn’t something they ever said outside of their home. They’d be eaten alive for such a thing when everyone else went to church every Sunday. His mom still went sometimes, but it was just to socialize, and keep up a good image of their family. Peter went to church too, but he didn’t seem to care either way, and Remus was Jewish. James wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, at least for the Lupins. Whether they were religious or not. They didn’t talk about it. Remus actually wasn’t allowed to. But he had told his friends once, his voice hushed.

“People don’t like that. If you’re anything aside from what they expect you to be. So, you can’t tell anyone else.”

All James could think was that it sounded lonely to have no sort of community around.

“You’re staring,” Regulus said. There was something in his voice, tentative and raw under his words.

“I’m trying to figure out what it is,” James told him softly.

“Nothing is different. Maybe you’re different.”

“I’m not,” James frowned.

Regulus turned. James took in the swoop of his lashes as he looked up blinking. Pretty, was all James could think.

“You’re looking at me.”

James swallowed. “Course, I look at you plenty.”

“No,” Regulus said. One word, no elaboration.

“No?”

“Not like this.”

James held his gaze. A few heavy seconds passed. Regulus’ grey eyes were lighter in the sun. James felt like he could see right through to Regulus’ soul. His dark lashes fluttered as he blinked, head tilted up just enough to meet James’ gaze. The freckles splashed across his cheeks and nose reminded James of the stars. He wondered if he could make his own constellations out of them.

James didn’t know what to say. It was probably true.

“I—” A few seconds passed. James swallowed. “Are you upset by that?”

“That you’re looking now, or that you weren’t before?” Regulus murmured.

“I dunno, both?”

Regulus turned his head, and James just kept watching. The straight swoop of his nose and the sharpness of his jaw felt so new. His cheeks had begun to hollow out. The baby fat James had always associated with him was gone. Regulus had always been the baby. He didn’t seem like a baby anymore. For the first time, James was suddenly realizing that they were only a year apart. Regulus was starting high school this year. A year wasn’t that much time at all.

“I’m not upset that you’re looking. You’ve always looked down on me. You know?”

“I don’t look down—”

“Yeah. You, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, you’re all the big kids and I’ve always been the annoying, whiny baby following you around.”

“Only Sirius thinks you’re annoying and that’s because he’s your brother. You think he’s annoying too. I’ve always defended you when he picks on you.”

“I mean I guess—”

“What do you mean you guess? I do, Regulus.”

“It’s not like you go out of your way to be around me.” A frown tugged at the corners of Regulus’ mouth, and it sent something pained shooting through James’ chest.

“Oh.”

He didn’t know what else to say, Regulus didn’t speak again. He jumped down from the truck, brushing his hands off on his shorts. He kicked up a cloud of dust as his feet touched the ground, and James watched Regulus wrinkle his nose at it. He could be prissy sometimes, which James found funny. It was summer, he’d be hot and sticky by the end of the day no matter what. A little dust never hurt anybody.

“I can. I will,” James said hurrying to catch up with Regulus as he headed back towards the stalls.

“You don’t have to,” Regulus muttered. He didn’t look over at James as they walked, tilting his head up towards the sky.

“I want to.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” James repeated.

And it didn’t feel like the universe shifted, but James never stopped looking.

He wished he’d never started.

“Is this weird?”

James didn’t realize he’d been standing blankly in the middle of the room until Sirius’ voice forced him into the present. James blinked.

“Is what?”

“Being back here,” Sirius gestured to the living room. It was pretty much the same as it’d always been. The couch, the curtains, the mismatched chairs. The pictures and keepsakes were gone, taken with the Potters when they moved, but everything else remained the same. He half expected the screen door to bang open and Peter or Remus to burst through.

“Yeah,” James muttered.

Sirius sat down on the couch, his eyes flitting around the room before landing back on James. “Are you okay?”

James shrugged. No. He didn’t say that aloud, but the lack of a verbal answer was clear.

“Are you okay?” James asked after a moment. Because Sirius had barely spoken since they’d left Moony’s. Actually, he’d been quiet, a storm brewing behind his eyes since he’d called Regulus weeks ago.

“He doesn’t want to see me,” Sirius had said after he’d hung up the phone weeks before.

An old, weak part of James wanted to scoff. Of course, he doesn’t. You left him. You promised to stay, and you left him.

James would never forgive Sirius for that. He would never forgive himself either.

But a guilty, twisted part of James whispered that it was different. Regulus pushed James away, Regulus had snipped the thread between them. James didn’t have any other options. Sirius was different, Regulus would have let him stay if he’d tried.

So, James wasn’t surprised Regulus didn’t want to see Sirius. He wasn’t even that surprised when Regulus appeared. Stepping through the diner door, like an angel illuminated by the sun. James wasn’t surprised when his heart stopped or when Regulus didn’t even look in his direction.

What did surprise him was the kid. Because Regulus was gay. Maybe he still never admitted it, maybe James was still the only one who knew. Either way, he was. Maybe he’d tried to pretend he wasn’t, maybe he had a girlfriend or a wife who’d never know that James had touched Regulus. Maybe Regulus was happier that way, wearing his cross around his neck. It was probably nicer to pretend he wasn’t already going to hell for letting James fuck him. James had. Maybe no one else would ever know, but he would.

James didn’t believe in that stuff. It was more common in the city, away from the south. You were allowed to be different—to an extent. Most of the people James knew didn’t go to church, and the ones that did never told him he was hell-bound for choosing not to.

Sure, it was the 2000s now, and Sirius insisted the world was getting more progressive, but being home it didn’t feel so different. Maybe James had changed, and his environment had changed, but not much else had.

In spring of ’94, a twister had damaged the sign marking the town line.

Once it had read: Welcome to Stillcreek. Now the metal was buckled, and the letters faded. The only visible word was “Stillcreek.” No welcome, no preamble. It was probably some sort of omen. James didn’t hate his home; he wasn’t like Sirius who resented it. But sometimes James did think he was better off. There was something so sticky and slow about Stillcreek, Oklahoma.

James felt it on his skin. The weight of the town—how it seemed to settle in his lungs. Everything was as he remembered it. The sidewalks were cracked, the grass was dead, and the sky distant. He didn’t want to become who he used to be; he didn’t want to see the ghost of that man lurking around every corner.

“I just don’t understand,” Sirius spoke, and James needed a moment to catch up. He’d almost forgotten what they were talking about. “Our parents are dead. I thought maybe it would be different, but he still hates me. Regulus hates me and he has a kid. And- and James, Remus is here. He’s supposed to be in fucking Pennsylvania, why is he here?”

“I don’t know.”

“He left too,” Sirius crossed his arm. “It wasn’t just me, Remus left.”

“I know. I suppose he came back.”

“Well, clearly,” Sirius scoffed. James didn’t take it personally because Sirius was worked up.

“Pads,” James said gently. “Let’s just eat dinner. Tomorrow I’ll take the truck and see if someone at the Prewett’s garage can look at it. One step at a time, okay? We’re here to sell the house.”

The tension bled from Sirius’ shoulders. “You mean you think I should leave it alone,” he said flatly.

“I mean, Regulus made it clear he isn’t interested in seeing you. I’m not saying he’s in the right, but it’s been years. You never tried to talk to him before now. Maybe just respect his wishes.”

“But what about you?” Sirius demanded.

James blinked. “What about me?”

“Remus and Regulus were your friends. You don’t care at all?”

James shrugged. Sirius had no idea what had happened between James and Regulus. If God was good, hopefully, it’d stay that way. “They were, but people grow up. I’ve been living my life fine without them and they’ve been fine without me.”

“Really,” it wasn’t phrased as a question, Sirius’ voice was toneless.

“I’m better now,” James said, even though Sirius hadn’t said a word on the matter. He could read between the lines, the shadow that lurked every time James turned his head.

“I didn’t say you weren’t.”

Once, Sirius had been the broken one. James had spent years holding him together. Drying his tears, soothing him through nightmares. James was strong, he was steady, he was in control. Until he wasn’t.

James Potter loved Sirius Black with every single bit of his beating heart. They were family, soulmates, whatever you wanted to call it. Something that went deeper than friendship. But in the past few years, their dynamic had never quite shifted back. Maybe it was because Sirius was always waiting for James to snap. Maybe it was because James was waiting for it too.

He’d never considered himself to be a bad person. It was quite the opposite. James was the kind of person people looked to and said: “That’s a good man.”

He knew who he was, friendly, sweet. Smiling was easy, laughing was natural. Growing up, no one had anything bad to say about him aside from the state of his hair. But, maybe the universe, God, or whoever didn’t give two shits about the kind of person you thought yourself to be. Sometimes, James didn’t really like who he was. He didn’t think he was a good person. James stopped thinking that the day he’d lost Regulus. The day Peter had looked him in the eye, his expression cold and his face closed off.

Oh, I’m an awful person, James had thought. He never got rid of that lingering feeling.

“Let’s just not talk about this tonight,” James mumbled. Fighting with Sirius was like tearing his ribs from his skeleton. It was never pleasant, never easy. Sirius seemed to be tired too, because after a second, he nodded.

“Fine… dinner?”

“Yeah,” James mumbled. He didn’t ask Sirius if he would ever forgive James. He couldn’t, because then he would have to admit that he didn’t forgive Sirius either.

____

It was disorienting, waking in his childhood room.

Despite living in New York for years now, he still woke confused some days when the light wasn’t coming in the way he was used to.

So, when James opened his eyes, for a moment he convinced himself he was still dreaming. He blinked. Nope, his childhood bedroom. The sun was painting a long sliver across the floor which told James it was at least eight o’clock.

Sirius and Lily were still asleep when James went downstairs. He felt as if he were stuck in a strange limbo. He was ten, sixteen, twenty, and whatever he was now, all stacked on top of each other.

James was going to make breakfast, but when he stopped in the kitchen doorway, he couldn’t breathe. Superimposed over the empty room, was an image of James’ parents. Effie was at the stove, chatting while Monty poured coffee. His rough hands were gentle as he grabbed his wife and kissed her on the cheek.

“I’m bringing a shipment to the MacDonalds today, and then Larson asked me to see if we can figure out what’s wrong with his damned tractor. So, I might be out a little late.”

“That’s fine dear, I’ll leave dinner for you.”

“Dad, can I come?”

“Sorry, James,” his dad smiled warmly. “No can do. You’ll get bored and you know it. Go find the boys and have fun.”

James sighed, but his mother clucked her tongue, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “There will be plenty of time to work once you’re old.”

James blinked. The kitchen was empty, his parents were dead.

The fresh air didn’t really help as James left the house. Instead, it was just as heavy in his lungs. Weighing him down, eating away at his insides.

The truck was the same as ever. It was the truck James had learned to drive in, the one his father had driven every day. They hadn’t used it in years, you didn’t really need a pickup truck in New York. They’d kept it anyway, because it’s not like it was costing them anything, and it had sentimental value. Now, it was somehow still kicking, but it made a strange squealing noise and James didn’t think it’d make it the trek back halfway across half the county.

As James pulled up to the Prewett’s garage, he was instantly greeted. “James fucking Potter!” Gideon exclaimed, stepping through the large garage doors to beam at him. “As I live and breathe! You know, I almost thought it was a joke when the log said a Potter was coming in today.”

“Hey Gid,” James said, clapping the other man on the shoulder. “It’s been a minute.”

“Jesus Christ, it has. What are you doing back in this hellhole? Heard you were a corporate New York boy now.”

“That I am,” James shrugged. The idea still seemed so ill-fitting sometimes. “But I’m selling my parents' house. You know how it was, they were sentimental and always wanted to come back here. So, there’s a shit ton of stuff to get rid of.”

“Ah, so cutting your country ties for good?”

“Nah, I’d say something about the country being inside my heart, but that might sound like a cheap country song.”

Gideon shook his head. “Country these days,” he sighed dramatically. “You know it’s all a bunch of rich boys who haven’t gotten their hands dirty a day in their lives? Yet they’re out here singing as if they’ve been in the dirt. Bunch of assholes.”

“Careful Gid, you’re sounding bitter. Should I get you a guitar and a pair of fancy boots? I bet you could pull it off.”

“Aw, fuck off, James. Not that I couldn’t swing it, but it’s not my style.” Gideon grinned, his wide smile creasing his freckled cheeks. “Now, before we get into a serious discussion on my musical skills, let’s look at this truck of yours.”

“It’s just making a weird sound, like a squealing. I’d like to get it back to New York, if possible, but I’m starting to think she may not make it.”

Gideon let out a long sigh. “You boys and your trucks. Why can’t one of you just drive a car that isn’t a million years old? Do you all really need them?”

“Hey, it was my dad’s, we had a farm. I’d say mine is earned.”

“I’ll give you that,” Gideon said. “But you know who has a truck now?”

“Who?”

“Longbottom! The doctor! He brought it in here and I asked him what the fuck he was doing with a pickup. Like, he needs to transport his little white coat?”

Gideon quickly fell into a very long rant about who had what car and whether they deserved them. Once again, James felt stagnant, but not entirely in a bad way. Maybe it was nice, just for once that some things didn’t change. James knew every name Gideon mentioned, and it felt familiar and warm, as if James still belonged.

Thankfully, the problem with the truck wasn’t that serious, and by late afternoon, James was set free. There was no squealing as he started the engine, and with a sigh, James pulled out of the parking lot. He needed gas if he was going to make it home.

It was strange not to need a map or to even think about where he was going. There was only one gas station in town, the other was just over the border and frankly a shithole. Not that the local one was that nice, but at least it was close.

When James pulled up, one of the pumps was marked as out of order. He sighed, waiting for the person ahead of him. They took forever, and James couldn’t help but miss the big gas stations in New York, there were always at least four pumps. He’d frankly forgotten the drastic difference of scale in Stillcreek.

The gas station was a little dingier than he remembered. Despite its faults, it’d always been kept spotless when James was a kid. Now the black mat at the front door was covered in muddy bootprints and the bell only gave a feeble jingle as James opened the door. He supposed it wasn’t that surprising since it was no longer under the strict ownership of the Blacks. They’d always run that damn gas station as if were the military.

“I know the pump is still broken I don’t want to fucking hear it.”

James stopped dead. Oh. Oh, he was really fucking stupid. Walburga and Orion Black were both dead. Sirius was obviously estranged and absent. But when considering ownership of the gas station, it seemed that James had forgotten a Black.

Regulus looked up when he didn’t get a response from whoever he assumed James to be. Their eyes met.

It was a cliché sort of thing, but James had always felt like the world held its breath every time James and Regulus’ eyes met. That hadn’t changed, apparently.

“Oh,” Regulus said, echoing the same thought that was rattling around James’ brain.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, god, he’s still so beautiful. He might be more beautiful.

Oh, I’ve missed you.

James swallowed; his lungs ached. “Um, I need twenty on pump… whichever one is the working one?”

“Right.” Regulus’ voice was deeper than it used to be, he was a full adult now. He’d grown up and James had missed it. “Did you need anything else?”

“Cigarettes?” James was supposed to have quit. Sirius didn’t like him smoking, it was an addiction. No addictions for James. James Potter couldn’t do anything halfway, couldn’t be trusted to have a single cigarette. He smoked anyway when Sirius wasn’t around. James probably needed to quit. He wouldn’t.

“How many?”

“Two packs is good.”

Regulus turned around, grabbing them off the shelf. It was only as he’d sat them down on the counter that he seemed to realize he hadn’t asked what kind James wanted. “Oh, I- sorry I don’t know if you still smoke these—”

“No, that’s right.”

Still.

Still, because they knew each other once. Regulus knew the kind of cigarettes James smoked, knew every bit of him no one was supposed to.

Regulus rang up the items and James silently handed him the money. The cash register clanked open, and Regulus stepped back, sorting the cash into its places. There was a chain glittering around his neck, the small cross sat over his heart where it always had.

James didn’t say a word, but he had a lot of them. They spun around his head. He took his cigarettes and left Regulus there, in his parent’s gas station, shining far too beautifully under the fluorescent lights.

James didn’t say a word, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Regulus still blamed James for sentencing him to hell.

He dreamed of Regulus’ cross that night.

Chapter Text

Sirius

__

Sirius was tired.

It was the kind that burrowed into his bones. Like a parasite, sitting there, sucking the marrow to fill its belly.

He wasn’t allowed to be tired. Sirius Black always had to be something, but tired was not one of those things. Not a luxury he could indulge in. People must have known he felt it, but if he did, he had to do it in the quiet.

See, somewhere between fifteen and twenty, Sirius had lost James.

Not in a tangible way. Not in an obvious way. Not like he’d lost Regulus, suddenly, and violently. No, Sirius had woken up one day. He’d turned his head, and James wasn’t there.

It’s taken him a few seconds to realize it. Because of course, James was standing next to him, as he’d always been. But then Sirius looked, he really, looked. It was like seeing a ghost.

“How did we get here?”

Silence.

“James?”

“Who’s we?”

“You know what I mean.”

James just shook his head. He leaned forward, dropping his head in his hand. “Don’t you ever feel like it’s going to consume you?” he muttered. “Like every single second of every day is made to swallow you whole. I- I just felt so much all the time, is it I crime that I wanted to numb it all?”

“Don’t twist things, don’t make me the bad guy.”

“Well, I’m not the bad guy!” James lifted his head suddenly. He looked up at Sirius, eyes narrowed. A blue and purple bruise bloomed across his lip.

Sirius wished he could take his friend by the shoulders and shake him. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand what’s happening? Look at yourself!

“I’m not saying anyone is. Not everything is like that, somethings things are just fucked up and there’s no one to put the blame on. So, I’m not blaming you. But you have to admit that this shouldn’t have happened. It shouldn’t have come to this.”

“Don’t talk to me about ‘should haves’—"

“James, you’re okay. You’re fine. We’ve just… I- we’ve just got to wipe our hands clean and move on. Things can change.”

“I know, I’m fine. It’ll go back to normal soon.”

Sirius opened his mouth, but no words came. He didn’t know how to explain that’s not what he’d meant. It wasn’t supposed to come out as if they should forget about it. He meant that James was currently okay. That they had the chance for things to get better.

It came out all wrong.

“I don’t care about that,” Sirius insisted, hoping the words got through the glazed-over look in his eyes. “I just care about you.”

James was silent, something was beeping. Outside the door, Sirius heard the scuff of shoes and voices as someone in the hospital walked past.

“You don’t wish it’d been someone else?”

“What do you mean?”

Another pause. “That you’d kept someone else. If we hadn’t chosen each other, we wouldn’t have lost everyone else.”

Sirius felt his blood running cold. “Do you regret it?” he asked, his voice came out too calm, almost dangerous. He didn’t mean it like that. Sirius didn’t know how to get this right.

“I dunno.”

Well, at least honesty was something.

“Me either.”

“Okay…” A beat. “Sirius?”

Sirius stepped forward putting a hand on James’ shoulder, squeezing softly. “Yeah?” he asked quietly.

“I love you. If I hadn’t chosen you, I’d regret that.”

“I love you too.”

James was reaching out, and Sirius leaned down, dropping his head on his best friend’s shoulder.

“You and me?”

“Always. You and me. We’re going to be fine.”

Sirius couldn’t breathe.

“Did James leave already?”

He tore his eyes away from the kitchen window.

“Mornings, Lils. Yeah, I think so.”

“You okay?”

Sirius turned.

No. No, I see my brother every time I close my eyes. Somehow, I’ve been in denial this entire time that someday I might get him back. But he’s gone. I’ve lost him. I’ve lost Remus. I regret all of it, but I’d regret staying too. How did I become this person?

Was I born like this? Is there something fundamentally wrong, somewhere in my blood, in my DNA?

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. Even though Sirius wasn’t sure she believed him. “Do you want to start in the attic today?”

Sirius swallowed. “Yeah.”

Lily turned grabbed the radio and they brought it upstairs, dragging boxes and trash bags with them.

The air in the attic was dusty and Sirius headed to the window, using all his strength to pry it open. Looking out over the yard, felt strange. Someone else tended the farm now, and in the distance, it looked different than Sirius remembered. Otherwise, it was all the same. There was a pile of old tires in the corner of the yard, left there for when they used to play in them as children. The tornado shelter peeked up through the grass. Sirius watched it for a long moment. The roof vent gleamed in the morning sun. There were some things that were just so distinct about Stillcreek. He hadn’t even realized that it’d been years since he’d seen one of the wind turbine vents. They didn’t really worry about twisters in New York. Now, he couldn’t believe he had never noted the absence. It was such a distinct shape, round, the metal vent spinning in the wind. Everyone who had the money for it had a tornado shelter, the vents stuck out of a large portion of Stillcreek residents’ yards.

Lily didn’t ask if he was alright this time, but she touched his shoulder. Sirius turned away, swallowing down his ghosts.

They began sorting in silence. James returned midday with more boxes for them and lunch, which Lily and Sirius gratefully scarfed down.

James was quiet, but he had been for most of their stay. It was as if any of the slow progress he’d made the past year was suddenly halted. Sirius was frustrated, he wanted to scream. He wanted to shatter the windows, to tear down every house and building in town. Sirius hated Stillcreek in the same way he hated himself. With every bleeding, aching, burning inch of his body.

Sirius Black was the bad guy.

In every sense of the word. He was the villain in everyone’s story—maybe even James’.

Everything that’d ever happened seemed to go right back to him. Everyone who’d ever loved him, hated him to some degree. People would welcome James back with a smile and a hug, and “I’m sorry for your loss.”  And Sirius? He would ignore the looks as if they bounced off of him.

Sirius was never any of the things he was supposed to be. He didn’t even entertain them. In fact, he’d grown up outwardly outspoken about every expectation he was supposed to conform to. He delighted in the scandalized looks and the harsh glances. But those things bounce off of you when you’re sixteen and think you’re the hottest shit in a century. And oh boy, did Sirius think he was. Well… you know—under the deep-rooted hatred for himself.  

Sirius was the bad guy. He was expected to be, but Jesus fucking Christ… he was so tired.

Because growing up, leaving home, meeting other people… brought Sirius to realize that he was tame.

“I was a menace as a kid,” one of his coworkers Marlene had said.

“Oh, trust me, me too.” Sirius shook his head.

“Ah, us former wild kids. Gotta stick together. I think my parents are shocked I even made it this far. I mean with the drugs, and the fighting… I barely even finished high school. But here we are.”

Sirius had blinked. He was the worst person he knew. Everyone around him made sure he knew it. He was hopeless, prospectless, going nowhere in life. A bad kid.

A bad kid… who did well in school. he didn’t sneak out to do drugs, have sex, or get into fights. Sirius was always more concerned with being Regulus’ keeper. Sure, sometimes he acted out, but it was things like talking back, refusing to go to church, or wear his cross. Suddenly, he felt incredibly out of place.

He was fucking furious, because he was never a bad kid, he was just loud and suffering.

But the feeling, the shame prickling on his neck, pressing down in his lungs—it never went away.

He felt guilty, all the time, over everything.

He felt guilty when he was happy, or sad. He even felt guilt over feeling guilty.

Sirius wanted to curl up in a ball on the attic floor and never get up. Instead, he sat down at the dining room table and ate his lunch while Lily began a very long and detail-oriented plan for how they’d pack up the rest of the house.

Whatever was eating at James seemed to ease up a little when Lily turned up the music and began to spin him around the kitchen. He smelled faintly of cigarette smoke, and Sirius decided to pretend he hadn’t noticed that the past few days.

As the afternoon wore on, the sunlight dancing through the trees, Sirius stood.

“I’m going out!” he called into the house.

After a moment, Lily’s voice answered. “Okay!”

She didn’t ask where he was going, Sirius didn’t know.

Or okay—who was he fooling? Sirius knew exactly where he was going but he pretended otherwise. Even when he was pulling into the parking lot, even when he was turning off the truck and getting out. It was the strange midday lull, not quite lunchtime, and not quite dinnertime.

The bell jingled as he stepped inside. The diner was empty. “One second!” a voice called from within.

Sirius stood there.

A moment later, the door was swinging open and Remus Lupin was stepping through. He stopped when he saw Sirius, going suddenly stiff.

“Why the fuck are you back here?”

And oh, lord… Sirius ached.

Remus, Remus, Remus.

Shame, shame, shame.

Sirius swallowed; he didn’t speak. He wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse.

The seconds stretched out between. The clock behind the counter ticked loudly.

Sirius knew hurt. He’d patched up his baby brother enough time to see Regulus’ splitting skin in every dream. He knew how to take a punch, how to spit the blood and never flinch. Sirius had held James’ beaten face in his hands and breathed evenly while James sobbed. He’d woken from dreams so terrible he didn’t stop shaking for hours and James would stay there, holding him close.

At that moment, blood rushing in his ear… Sirius wasn’t sure he’d ever hurt that bad. Because Remus was standing there, his face blank. He looked at Sirius as if they didn’t know each other.

“Sorry.” Sirius’ voice cracked.

Remus did too.

Just for a second, something flickered in Remus’ amber eyes.

“I’m not here to cause any trouble,” Sirius said softly.

The clock ticked, it sounded almost unbearably loud.

“Sit,” Remus commanded, slinging the rag he was holding over his shoulder.

Sirius did as he was told. He didn’t know what was in his expression, but Remus was studying him, gaze dark and pained.

“I won’t ask about Regulus or anything, not today,” Sirius spoke, slowly. “I’m not going to pry.”

“Then why are you here?”

Sirius shrugged helplessly. “I- it’s been a long few years.”

“More than a few,” Remus muttered.

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “I’ve missed you—”

“Don’t,” Remus cut him off sharply, his breath stuttering from his lungs.

“You already knew that.”

“I don’t fucking care if you missed me.”

“That doesn’t make it untrue.”

“True or not, I don’t need to hear about it.”

“I didn’t know you were here—”

“Doesn’t that make it worse, Sirius?” Remus snapped. “You didn’t know. You thought I was perfectly in reach, on the same fucking coast. Is that not worse?”

“You weren’t in reach. You made that clear.

“You made—” Remus broke off as the kitchen door opened and a waitress stepped out. She paused as she registered the two of them. Remus stepped back clearing his throat. “Uh, Mary, I’m going to take a break, okay?” Remus said. He’d done a good job of steading his voice as he stepped out from behind the counter. He grabbed Sirius’ arm, pulling him up. “Watch the place, alright?”

“Yeah, sure,” Mary nodded. “Uh- hey, Sirius… Long time no see?”

“Hi, Mary,” Sirius didn’t have time to say more because Remus was dragging Sirius through the diner and out the back door. They stepped out behind the building. Remus didn’t let go. There was a second’s pause, the back door slammed shut, and the day was silent, not a soul in sight.

Suddenly, Sirius’ back was hitting the brick of the building. He gasped at that impact. Remus had his fist in Sirius’ collar pushing him into the wall.

“You made your choice, you were clear. I wasn’t going to wait around my entire life, begging you to love me,” Remus hissed, his breath warm on Sirius’ skin.

Love.

They’d never used that word before. Clearly, something in Remus had changed because never once had they actually touched on this. They were always dancing around it, brushing past the idea. They didn’t touch, they didn’t look, they pretended it wasn’t there. The one time they’d come even close, Remus had turned away and Sirius had let him go.

He knew he’d spend the rest of his life considering what should have been. Remus wasn’t the one that got away, he was the only one. No one else would ever fit the same, and Sirius had never tried to find anyone.

“You didn’t have to beg me,” Sirius choked out. “I already did.”

Remus flinched back as if he’d been burnt, promptly putting distance between them.

“Excuse me?” he asked, voice rising in panic. Sirius didn’t know what to say and Remus blinked, taking a deep breath. “Okay, okay, we were best friends. Yeah, you loved me but that’s not what I mean. Don’t fuck with me.”

Sirius stepped forward. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Shut up, don’t do this.”

“You brought it up.”

“You came here!”

“You’re here!” Sirius yelled. “You’re the one who’s here and looking at me like that! You’re the one who somehow looks even better than you used to. What the fuck is that? What the hell, Remus? I’ve spent years learning to forget you because you told me to go. I’ve spent years knowing you were the love of my fucking life, and you’d always hate me for that!”

“I never hated you for that!”

“But you hate me!”

“Yeah, I do!”

“Well, I hate you—”

Sirius’ back hit the wall. He thought Remus was going to punch him.

He didn’t.

He—

Remus kissed Sirius.

Sirius might have sobbed or let or an equally undignified sound at the press of Remus’ lips against his own. Hot and angry. Remus kissed Sirius like he wanted to destroy. Like he wanted to draw blood and crawl into Sirius' body to eat his heart.

For a split second, Sirius was too shocked by this sudden turn of events to respond. Remus was pulling back and finally, Sirius’ brain caught up. He grabbed Remus by the face, pulling him back down.

I’ve always been too scared. I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid of hurting you. I won’t love you right. I can’t love you like you want me to. It’ll burrow inside your chest and rot in your lungs. You’ll spend the rest of your life coughing up the pieces of me.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds, Sirius.” His mother’s hand was sharp on his jaw, nails digging into his jaw. “Learn to be more grateful or I will take everything from you.”

“What happened to your face?” James had asked the next day.

“Nothing, just scratched it.”

James hadn't seemed like he believed that, but he nodded anyway.

“I should be more grateful.”

Remus turned his head. The night sky glittered above them, Sirius could see his own star up there. He wished that were him instead, shining brightly, separate from the dust and the blood of Stillcreek.

“What do you mean?”

“Just, I’ve been trouble,” Sirius muttered. “Reggie is going to pay for it. Lots of people have it worse. So, I’ve got to do better, I’m luckier than some. Don’t bite the hand that feeds, and all that…”

“You know,” Remus began quietly, “if you have a dog, and half the time you feed it and the other half you use that same hand to hurt it… the dog will start to bite. It won’t be able to tell which is which. It’s safer for it to always react as if it’s going to be hurt than risk the chance that it won’t be this time.”

“Are you calling me a dog?” Sirius joked weakly.

He hadn’t missed the point, but Remus let him pretend he had. “You smell like one,” Remus pushed him gently. Sirius laughed, the stars shining above just for the two of them.

Remus pulled back. He was breathing heavily. His cheeks were flushed, his lips slightly swollen. Sirius could feel his own tingling, Remus’ heat branded into his skin.

“I- fuck,” Remus cursed. “I shouldn’t have—”

“Do it again.”

“Sirius—”

“Kiss me again,” Sirius demanded, stepping forward.

They came together slowly this time. Remus reached out carefully, his thumb grazing Sirius’ cheek. His eyes were strangely glassy as his other hand came up to grab Sirius by the neck. Slowly, carefully, the moment stretching out between them, Remus leaned down again. Their lips didn’t touch at first, the contact happened slowly. Their noses bumped, and Remus was right. They were sharing the same breath, only centimeters apart. Remus almost pulled back, but he didn’t. He was there, catching Sirius’ lips with his own. It was different the second time, still hot, boiling between them… but Remus held Sirius as if he were something to be handled with care. He kissed him sweet and insistent, like he was trying to make sure whatever he was thinking was imprinted on Sirius’ skin.

“God, fuck,” Remus cursed into Sirius’ lips. “I hate you.”

Maybe hate meant something different between the two of them, because Remus kissed Sirius as if he was the love of his life too.

Sirius wanted to scream.

Look at what you did to us. I should have had him. He’s mine, he’s mine.

Shame, shame, shame.

Remus didn’t let go as they separated this time. His hand was right there, soft and gentle on Sirius’ jaw.

Sirius wished he’d learned not to bite.

Remus

__

The house was quiet when Remus stepped through the front door.

“Hey, Rem,” Pandora greeted. She was sitting on the couch, knitting needles in her hand.

“Pandora.”

She straightened instantly, piercing eyes studying him. “What happened?”

“Where’s Reg?”

“Upstairs, he fell asleep as soon as he got home from work. I put the kids to bed.”

Remus nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat. Pandora scooted over, patting to spot next to her. “Come here.”

Remus silently obeyed, sitting down next to her and pulling his knees to his chest. He hadn’t known her that well as a kid, so it sometimes felt strange the way he trusted her with his entire heart.

“You can’t tell Regulus.”

“I won’t,” she said simply, no questions, no protest.

He leaned in, his voice falling to a whisper. “I fucked up.”

“Okay.”

“I kissed Sirius.”

There was a pause. She raised her eyebrows at him in surprise. “Oh, Rem…”

“I know. Trust me I know.”

“That’s not good.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” she asked, reaching out to grasp his hand.

“He said he loved me.”

“Does that surprise you?”

Remus blinked, shaking his head. “No, I- I guess a part of me always suspected. But… he could never give me what I wanted. It’s done, it’s dead and buried. There was never any chance of us working out. Every fucking odd was stacked against us, and I handled things wrong, so did he. Everyone around him—both Sirius and Regulus, actually, failed them at every turn. They’re fucked up from it, this town is fucked up. Everything between Sirius and Reg and everyone is in shambles. There’s no fixing it, even if we’d tried to work things out back then. But—” Remus broke off, his voice wavering.

“But he loves you,” Pandora finished softly.

“Yeah,” Remus choked out. “He loves me. I- it’s not enough, though. But I can’t get all these ideas out of my head, I’ve always had this lingering feeling that we should have been. Like we were made for each other.”

“Maybe you were, sometimes God is cruel.”

“I’m not sure we have the same God,” Remus murmured. “The one I believe in wouldn’t do that.”

“Judaism to me, is about one thing,” his mother used to say, stroking his hair gently. “Being the best person you can be. So, even if you don’t believe in God or follow every single rule down to the exact way it’s written in the Torah… that’s okay. Our rules are made to guide you morally, to teach you to be a kind loving person. God doesn’t care if you believe in him. I don’t care if you think the stories are a load of horseshit, as long as you remember that they all teach you something. Heaven and hell aren’t something for us to worry about. You do the best you can in this life, that’s all that matters. Not what may or may not come after.”

“Then maybe…” Pandora began quietly. “Maybe, there’s somewhere out there where you have him. Another life, another universe. Maybe there are a million other worlds where you’re together and happy. And whatever you’re feeling now, it’s those lives bleeding through into this one.”

“Do you believe that?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

Pandora’s lips quirked up in a smile. “Not really, but I thought it might make you feel better.”

Remus laughed at that. “Well, that did a little.”

“Good, now come and help me measure this,” she said gesturing to her knitting. “I’m trying to anticipate Cassie’s growth and make him a sweater for winter, but I’m afraid it’s huge.”

Remus nodded grabbing the measuring tape.

Regardless of what should have been, this, right now? It wasn’t so bad.

Chapter Text

Regulus

_

The thing, the James Potter thing, was heavy.

Regulus couldn’t say where it had begun.

Not at birth, that was where Sirius and Regulus began. James was different.

Regulus was pretty sure he’d been made up of James Potter. He hadn’t always known it. In fact, he’d scraped through half his life without knowing it. Then one day, like Eve in the Garden of Eden, Regulus took a bite of the apple. One bite, one tiny little taste. And suddenly, he knew. He knew he’d been so cruelly cut up and grown out of James’ ribs. Not just made of him, but for him.

He was fucked.

The diner had been okay. Regulus hadn’t really thought about James after— okay, yes, he had. Why was he lying to himself? He had, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same because they hadn’t even looked at each other. Then, at that gas station, James looked. He was looking his gaze dark, his eyes heavy. They snagged on Regulus’ neck, the chain there.

Regulus touched the little cross now, he squeezed his eyes shut. Cassie was bouncing on the pews next to Regulus and even without looking, Regulus instinctually reached out to still the boy.

He opened his eyes. “Not in church, Cassiopeia,” he whispered.

Thankfully, Cassie stopped moving so much. Instead, he began flipping through his book, bobbing his head to the sound of the choir.

Regulus turned away. His other hand was still on the cross. To anyone else, he probably looked like he was devoutly praying. He wasn’t.

No, the image looping in Regulus’ mind was as far from praying as you could get (or maybe it was the closest). Because there he was, in his mind, sixteen, looking up at James Potter. Regulus, on his fucking knees. Not in any way he was supposed to be.

The image never went away. Regulus could see it as if it were yesterday. James looked down at him, gaze boring right through down to Regulus’ bones. James reached out, hooking his thumb around the necklace, pulling, pulling, pulling Regulus closer. The chain dug into the back of his neck, Regulus gasped, but he only wanted more. He wanted James Potter to do anything, do better. Choke him, take every bit of air.

Regulus looked up. James’ other hand grabbed him by the jaw. They didn’t speak. It was just James and Regulus and the hot, scalding silence between them. It was dark, James’ room shadowed. They were young, far too young. As an adult now, Regulus knew that. As a teenager, he thought it didn’t matter. That they were more than old enough.

Have me, have me, have me.

He was spinning out, reaching forward. James’ grip was rough on Regulus’ jaw—

Regulus blinked. It took him a second too long to realize the church was silent and everyone was sitting down. He hurried to sit as well. Cassie instantly clambered into Regulus’ lap, seeing the opening. Regulus wrapped his arms around the little boy's middle, burying his face into his son’s hair.

The last time Regulus had sex it wasn’t even worth it. It was with a girl, and it was lackluster and hollow. Regulus thought it’d be different, because as wrong as it was, he knew sex. But there was none of the heat or the intensity.

Just some girl, just to prove that he could. He could, but it was different. He proved the wrong point. The only thing he came out of it with was that he never wanted to sleep with anyone but James Potter—well that, and a son.

The latter made it all worth it. Maybe not the James Potter part, but Cassie at the very least.

“Daddy,” Cassie turned his head, whispering into Regulus’ ear. “I’m bored.”

“Let’s listen to the sermon,” Regulus whispered. “Then we’ll go to Uncle Moony’s and get some lunch okay?”

“Pancakes?” Cassie asked hopefully.

“If that’s what you want,” Regulus whispered. The woman in front of Regulus turned, she was glaring at first, but as soon as she registered Cassie, her gaze softened, waving playfully at the little boy.

Regulus never realized how strange it would be to have a child, not just in the normal ways. Yes, his life was uprooted, everything he did now revolved around Cassie. It was a huge shift. But the change in his personal life aside, things changed socially too. People treated Regulus differently. He knew if he were a woman, it would have been different, negative. But for Regulus, his town accepted Cassie with open arms. Regulus had always been the favorite of the Black brothers, but still, eyes were on him. He had a big legacy to live up to. The truth was, even though they thought better of him than Sirius, everyone still expected him to fail. He was the “quiet one” the “little one” the smaller of the two boys. Sirius was generally seen as a menace, but at least he knew how to hold a conversation (even if he spent most of them running his mouth). Regulus was too quiet, too small and soft and careful. “Timid” his mother always called him. He was instructed to grow up, to learn how to take a punch, get his hands dirty.

Regulus’ hands were dirty. He knew how to take a punch. How to lick the blood coating his teeth and spit it on the ground. How to wrap his knuckles. Frozen peas were the best for the aftermath. No one liked the peas anyway, there was always an unopened pack, and with the small size of the vegetables, the bag was easy to tie around a person’s hand if needed.

Regulus knew how to take a punch and throw a punch, but it’d been a few years since he had to do that. It’d been a long time since he felt the need to prove it.

Because a kid changed things.

He was surprisingly viewed positively for taking in Cassie. As if he’d somehow done some remarkable favor, rather than raising the child he’d had a hand in creating. Regulus heard people whisper about Cassie’s mother as if she were a villain or a slut. It was funny how the sin of premarital sex, only seemed to apply to her. And the thing was, it hadn’t even happened in Stillcreek. Regulus had been out of town, on the border. None of the people around town knew the girl, but to them, she was the villain and Regulus was the hero for raising Cassie.

The woman turned back around as the pastor began his sermon. It took a second for Regulus to register what he was talking about as he handed Cassie back his book, hoping to keep the boy entertained for just a minute longer.

“Let no man say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted of God’: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man. But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.”

Regulus froze, heart beating in his chest.

“We are all human. Look around at the people around you, the ones you love, the ones you know. We’re humans, and humans are weak to temptation. Take your time, think about it. Think back to a time you may have been tempted towards sin, towards something shameful.”

Regulus swallowed.

“You never take this this off.”

James tugged at the cross charm. Gentle, just the smallest little pull.

“Yeah, why?”

James blinked. He didn’t seem to know why. There was a silence stretching between them, James was still holding onto the necklace.

“Can you back up?” Regulus asked hoarsely.

“I- what, why?”

“You know why.”

James was too close. Close enough that Regulus could smell his shampoo. It smelled familiar, not in a way Regulus could even describe, just like James.

James, James, James.  

“Do you really want me to?” James asked. He was looking down at Regulus. He blinked, dark lashes fluttering. His hair was a disaster, sticking up in places and Regulus resisted the urge to touch it. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t. Just the smug look Regulus could imagine on James’ face was enough to keep his fingers still.

Regulus didn’t speak. James leaned in closer. “Tell me you want me to,” he breathed.

They were in James’ room, only the lamp was on. The door was shut, why wouldn’t it be? Regulus and James were friends. They’d been friends their entire life. Why would anyone think to request it stay open? Probably, because Regulus didn’t tell James he wanted him to move. He didn’t repeat himself, he didn’t say let go. Instead, he let James lean in closer. Closer, closer, closer.

Regulus scooted back, the necklace fell from James’s grasp. Regulus’ back hit the headboard, James, followed undettered, crawling up the bed.

That was worse, because now Regulus was boxed in. His breath came out in a shaky gasp as James climbed over him.

“Tell me what you want,” James murmured.

Regulus didn’t. He’d never really figure that out.

Instead, he grabbed James by the neck, pulling him down into a kiss.

James Potter kissed like he was dying. Like every breath might be his last and he had to make the most of every second. He kissed like he wanted to eat Regulus whole. One of his hands went to Regulus’ hip. Creeping, one inch at a time up Regulus’ torso. It was all heat, skin, the brush of James Potter’s thumb over his hip bone. His finger dipped under the waistband of Regulus’ pants. Tugging, begging, asking.

He didn’t need to beg. He probably didn’t even need to ask.

Regulus Black was weak. He would turn his head, get on his knees, bare his fucking neck—all James had to do was look at him.

“Give me whatever you want,” Regulus panted, into James’ mouth.

It still wasn’t an answer, but clearly, James had wants too. So, he quickly decided that was good enough.

“…these temptations are places in our path to lead us astray. The circumstances will arise, but remember, it’s how you react to them, the perspective you take. ‘we are enticed by our own lust.’ This temptation comes from within us, from ourselves. It’s is a trial. In times of trial, you turn to God. He doesn’t expect this to be easy. You have to prove yourself, devote yourself to the right path, and ignore anything that might lead you astray. Think about Eve in the Garden of Eden. She had everything. All she had to do was listen to God. Her task was simple, don’t eat from the tree. But Eve, fell victim to temptation. Look where it got her, where it got all of us.”

Regulus exhaled. He looked up from Cassie who was still perfectly content flipping through his picture book. Regulus turned his head.

For a moment, he thought he imagined it.

James Potter, in one of the pews near the door

Regulus jerked his head back to the front of the room. Surely, he imagined it.

The pastor was still talking. Listing temptations, sins. Lust was probably one of them. That wasn’t even mentioning the fucking homosexuality part.

The back of Regulus’ neck was burning. Surely, he hadn’t imagined it. James was in the room, he was looking at Regulus.

Regulus didn’t know this per se, because he refused to turn his head and look again. However, he could feel it, James’ gaze searing into Regulus’ skin.

His heart hammered in his chest. Talk about fucking temptations.

“There will be times that snake tries to whisper in your ears.” It was whispering now. “Put your faith in God. Turn away, choose the right path. Don’t let yourself be led towards the wrong path.” Regulus was probably—definitely already going to hell.

He couldn’t stop thinking about James Potter. James fucking Regulus, wrapping a hand around his throat.

James Potter, who was somewhere behind Regulus.

And the thing—of fucking course—the James Potter thing, was that it was bigger than any of that. It was bigger than James dragging his teeth over Regulus’ skin or stripping him bare. It was bigger in the way that it never ended there. James still kissed Regulus when it wasn’t going anywhere. He touched and he smiled. Sneaking glances and looks behind the backs of everyone they knew.

If it was just sex, Regulus wouldn’t still feel branded by James’ fingers the way he did.

But it wasn’t just sex.

It was something else. Something bigger, uglier. Heavy, hot, and yearning. Something Regulus never dared name.

It was bigger.

It was something old. Dead and withered in the palm of Regulus’ hand. Regulus was never good to James, and James… well, he’d tried. He really had, but of course, it wasn’t enough.

Regulus didn’t know when the sermon had ended. At some point, the pastor had stopped speaking, and all Regulus could think about was being sixteen under James’ thumb. (He was still under James’ thumb.)

As soon as the service ended, Regulus hoped he could make it out quickly. Of course, he couldn’t. The woman who’d been sitting in front of him, instantly, accosted him and Cassie in the pews. She was a teacher, she’d been Regulus’ teacher once, and she was sure to be Cassie’s one day if she didn’t retire first.

Regulus chatted with her politely. After her, it was one of his neighbors, complaining about the length of someone else’s lawn. Regulus listened nodding while Cassie clung to his leg. Eventually, he freed them (using Cass as an excuse, because sue him. If Regulus had to put all his time and love into raising his son, he could sometimes use him to get out of things.)

Regulus thought they were free, and he was heading towards the exit when someone called his name.

“Regulus!”

He paused, it was the pastor, smiling warmly. He was beckoning Regulus over to him. Because God had forsaken him apparently, none other than James Potter was standing next to him.

“Hi, Pastor Paul,” Regulus said politely.

“Regulus, I was just speaking to James here. He’s back in town for a few weeks.”

“Ah, yes,” Regulus nodded instead of saying I know. He’s haunting me, he’s trying to take back the bits of his ribs that I was made of.

“His mother passed recently,” Paster Paul said, squeezing James on the shoulder. “He’s looking to sell some things, cleaning up the old house. You know the church consignment sale is coming up, of course, as you help organize it every year. I figured the two of you should talk. Give James the details, help a member of the community, hm?”

“Of course,” Regulus said. He wanted nothing less.

“Good,” the pastor smiled brightly. “You two were friends as boys, weren’t you? What a nice little reconnection this can be.”

They weren’t friends. They were something, but that was not friends.

“Yeah,” James said, and it was the first time he’d spoken. He wasn’t looking at Regulus, his attention directed at Paul instead. “That’s great, thank you so much.”

“No, James, thank you. You’re part of the community. We miss your family dearly around here. It isn’t the same without the Potters. Effie was a wonderful woman, a bright spot in our church.”

James nodded. Regulus watched something pained flit across his face, but then it was gone. “Thank you. She was a wonderful person, I've never known someone better.”

Paul squeezed James’ shoulder again. At Regulus’ legs, Cassie dropped his book. Attention turned to the little boy, but he didn’t even seem to notice. He squatted down picking it back up.

“Daddy,” he whispered regretfully, “I dropped my book.” He held it up for Regulus who examined it for him. None of the pages were bent, and it was a little dirty but otherwise fine. Regulus dusted it off, holding it back out for him.

“It’s okay, Cass,” Regulus said gently. “No harm done.”

Cassie looked up at it with wide eyes. “No, Daddy, it’s hurt.”

“It’s not hurt,” Regulus spun the book around, showing his son that it was entirely undamaged.

“Daddy! It’s hurt. You have to kiss it better.”

Regulus shook his head but brought the book up kissing the cover. “Better?” he asked handing it back to Cassie.

This time, he nodded, accepting the book and hugging it to his chest. “Silly,” he said, as if Regulus were the one being difficult.

“I suppose I should probably let you go before your little one gets antsy,” Pastor Paul said, shooting Cassie an amused smile. “James, you were just heading out, why don’t you walk with Regulus? You two can discuss the sale.”

Regulus couldn’t say no. He nodded, taking Cassie by the hand. James smiled, bidding Paul goodbye. He looked like he wanted nothing less, but he followed anyway.

“Who are you?” Cassie questioned, looking up at James with wide eyes.

James, whose shoulders had been stiff as they walked, instantly softened. Despite the borderline awkward amount of space between them, he smiled down at Cassie.

“I’m James.”

“I’m Cassie.” He paused. “Cassiopeia.”

“Ah, that’s a pretty name,” James said. “What do you like to be called? Cassie or Cassiopeia?”

“Anything!”

“Anything at all? James asked wryly. “So, if I decided to call you Bob, that would be okay?”

Cassie instantly burst into a round of delighted giggles. “Bob!” he said enthusiastically. “No, my name is Cassie! Cassie or Cass or Cassiopeia. Mostly only Daddy calls me Cassiopeia.”

Cass didn’t care much about his nicknames. He wasn’t like Regulus. Five-year-old Regulus, who had looked James in the eye and said “Regulus! Not Reggie.”

Cassie was nothing like Regulus, and every day, Regulus was glad for it.

“Okay, got it. I’m going to call you Cassie then, if that’s alright?”

Cassie nodded seriously. “Are you going to have lunch with us…” he paused. “What’s your name again?”

“James.”

“James, are you getting pancakes?”

“Afraid I can’t, I’ve got to get home.”

Cassie frowned. “You don’t want to be my friend?”

“Well, I’d love that. Unfortunately, I have things to do, boring grown-up things.”

They stopped at Regulus’ truck, and he unlocked the door, helping Cassie climb up and into his car seat.

“Okay,” Cassie said sadly. “Next time you get pancakes.”

“If your dad is okay with it, maybe.”

“Daddy?” Cassie questioned hopefully.

“I—” Regulus didn’t know what to say. Of fucking course, James had the ability to instantly charm Regulus’ son. What else could he expect? James was great with kids, he’d probably be a good father. Far better than Regulus. “Maybe, but I think James is very busy,” Regulus said quickly.

“Right,” James agreed. “But I’ll keep the invitation in mind.”

“Do you have any babies?” Cassie asked suddenly. He was pulling at the buckle of his seatbelt, but not hooking in. He knew how but he always made Regulus do it.

“You mean do I have any kids?” James asked.

“Yes!”

“I do.”

And then, the world stopped.

What.

“A boy or a girl?” Cassie questioned, completely unaware of the fact that Regulus was dying.

“A boy, a bit younger than you I think.”

“Is he here?”

“No, he’s in New York, right now.”

“That’s far away.”

“Yeah,” James smiled, it was sad around the edges. “I miss him, but he’s okay. He’s with his grandparents.”

“What’s his name?” Cassie questioned, very enamored by this unknown child.

“Harry.”

Cassie just nodded at that. But really, what was he going to do with any of this information anyway? He lifted his arms up so Regulus could buckle him. Regulus secured him into the car seat, making sure Cassie had his book. The little boy had already moved on from the conversation, turning his attention to the pictures on the page.

Regulus stepped back, he turned his head, and James was already looking.

The moment stretched between them; the intensity of James’ gaze was squeezing the air from Regulus’ lungs.

James took a step back, away from the car, from Cassie’s ears. Regulus—because his bones sang with the need to follow James Potter anywhere he went—followed.

“You have a son?” Regulus asked, the words falling from his lips before he could stop them. They dropped into the space between them, meeting a messy death on the cracked concrete of the parking lot.

James looked away, eyes looking downward as if he could see the bloody words there too.

“You have a son,” James said.

And that was that really.

What more was there to say?

Regulus had questions.

When did this happen? Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you love her? Do you love her like you loved me? That’s what it was right? Love?

Tell me it was so I can properly hate you for it.

Do you regret it? Does that moment still replay in your head? Do you remember the day you flinched? I dream about it. I see you every time I close my eyes.

Is it just the cigarettes? Is there more? Do you still try to fill up all those holes with empty gestures? Do you still wish you could fix me?

Would you still fuck me if I let you? Do you love the mother of your child? Who is she? Where is she? Does she touch you the same way I did?

Am I the only one still standing here? At the edge of the world, the forbidden fruit dried stickily on my hands. Painting me red, painting me yours.

Why do you even look at me? Isn’t this my fault?

Regulus always swallowed the blame. Burning hot and bitter down his throat.

If anyone hated somebody, it wasn’t Regulus. Maybe he hated Sirius. Maybe he hated his parents and the girl he’d had one drunken night with. Maybe he hated her for leaving him alone and he was glad she had, because it’d turned out alright anyway.

He didn’t hate James.

Regulus just hated. Every breath, every moment of his slow, sluggish life, he burned with it.

“We start accepting drop-offs for the sale starting Tuesday,” Regulus said. He swallowed around the scalding words trying to push up his throat. “You can bring your things here to the office. We’ll go through and see what we can sell. The rest will get returned to you, but there a donation bin the next town over—”

“I know,” James interrupted. Right. James belonged to Stillcreek too.

Get out, Regulus wanted to scream. This is my home. Go back to your fancy city with your son and your wife. Leave me here to rot away. To wither like the grass and crack like the red dirt.

“Okay. Then there you have it.” There was a sense of finality in Regulus’ words and James stepped back.

“Right, okay. I’ll bring my stuff by on Tuesday then.”

“Fine.”

James cleared his throat. “I- yeah… uh- take care Regulus.”

“Don’t,” was Regulus sharp reply. He turned on his heel, heading back to Cassie. He didn’t look back to see if James watched him walk away.

(He knew James did.)

Because the James Potter thing was more than heavy. It was clung onto him. A brand on Regulus’ skin, a hand on the back of his neck.

It was something Regulus had never learned to let go. 

Chapter Text

James

_

A tip—don’t under any circumstances sleep with your childhood best friend.

Just don’t. Nothing good in the history of the world (and certainly not in the history of Stillcreek) had ever come from it.

James was pretty sure if anyone could account for this, it was him.

Sirius was acting weird. James knew something was up, but he couldn’t tell if it was something specific or maybe just Sirius. Because Sirius hated Stillcreek more than anyone James had ever known. In fact, James didn’t think he would have come back at first, not even for a little while. If his parents had still been alive, he probably wouldn’t have. But considering they were six feet under, it was different.

The only thing Sirius had to worry about was Regulus and Remus. And frankly, James had always been sure Sirius wanted to get them back. Maybe he was too afraid. Maybe he was terrified that neither of them would forgive him. Sirius was good at hiding that. James was pretty sure he’d even convinced himself that he hated everything Stillcreek touched, including his brother. But it wasn’t true. Sirius wouldn’t have called Regulus if he hated him. James wasn’t sure if Sirius had realized that yet.

“Oh, you never said,” Lily said leaning forward at the dining room table. “How was church yesterday?”

Church was not an experience that James knew how to put into words.

Church was walking into the room and instantly pausing because he knew Regulus by just the back of his head. Because every inch of him was etched into James’ mind. He’d know him by his smell alone, a single finger, his ankles. There wasn’t a part of Regulus that James hadn’t memorized.

Because James wasn’t stupid, okay?

Regulus had always gone to church every Sunday. Even when Sirius had to be dragged kicking and screaming. Even when Sirius stopped going altogether and urged Regulus to do the same. Regulus wouldn’t.

He still went every Sunday, apparently. He organized the consignment sale and showed off his son to all the ladies. It was so… unimaginable yet, the conclusion to the story James should have anticipated.

In a way, he had known it wouldn’t go well. But he was also, not exactly in the clearest mental state at the time.

And that… was sitting there. In between every moment, every second, every breath.

“Church was fine.”

The only place James ever found God was at the bottom of a bottle. And really that was never God at all. He didn’t believe in it like all the old folks around town did. He wasn’t certain of what came after this. Once, he thought he’d seen it, but maybe, his heart just pumped too slow, and his vision whited out, and he thought he’d seen something that was never there.

Whatever god Regulus believed in, James didn’t think he could ever agree with that.

“Good, good,” Lily said, and James got the feeling she could tell something was off, but she didn’t pry.

“I’m bringing some of the stuff for the consignment sale. That way we can start getting some clutter out of here,” James said turning to look out the window, so he didn’t have to meet her eyes.

The same eyes he saw every time he looked at his son.

Lily deserved better than that. Better than whatever James had ever given her. She’d figured it out eventually, yet here they were.

James had tried. He’d always been trying. Palms burning as he tried to hold on. Tugging, pulling, nails drawing blood.

Once, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, smearing blood on his lips. He’d licked it away before he remembered that it wasn’t his blood.

Regulus’ blood didn’t taste any different than his own. James wondered sometimes if that meant something, or maybe blood was just blood, no matter how or who spilled it. Regulus’ blood was on his hands. Regulus was pulling back, and James was reaching and—

And there was this terrible gnawing feeling, that it would never be good enough.

James wanted to be good. Warm. Loved, cherished, revered, respected.

But there was a chasm in his chest and a gun between his lips, cold as it clicked against his teeth.

James wanted to be liked, and every time someone else was liked too, it felt like a threat. He knew logically, their success wasn’t his failure, but it felt like it.

The cold chill of the barrel was better than feeling nothing at all. But it was not enough. Nothing was ever enough, and James was afraid one day he’d start taking.

He could taste the blood on his teeth, and since he knew it tasted the same, sometimes he’d pretend it was Regulus’. That they were close enough to draw blood. James would take it; he’d take anything over being nothing to Regulus Black.

He didn’t feel like he was nothing. Regulus had still looked at James like it meant something. The question was what?

The parking lot was worn and cracked between them. Weeds forcing their way through the cracks. The fissures in the pavement may have been a little wider, or maybe James was imagining that so he could pretend that enough time had passed for him to be back here.

They’d sat on those church steps while Sirius furiously pulled those weeds from their home.

“Stop, Sirius,” Regulus would always scold.

“I’m helping. Weeds are bad, you know, I’m weeding.”

“You’re killing them!”

“So? They’re weeds!”

James always just sat there in the middle. Never wanting to get between the two brothers. Sometimes one of them would try to make him complicit. It didn’t work anymore, not when they became teenagers and James started looking and never stopped. They knew once James got older, he wouldn’t play along. When they were young, James would usually side with Sirius, because Regulus was always too serious, too much of a downer.

James and Sirius were wild, free-spirited Effie Potter had always said. Well matched for each other.

Regulus was different; to the point where it often caused arguments between the Black brothers. On the other hand, it was never that James and Regulus didn’t get along, but James was quick to follow Sirius, never looking back. Until of course, he did.

James was perfect. He’d always had to be. It was to make up for the things he couldn’t change about himself. He was used to comments, used to people studying him. So, James was kind. He was friendly, charming, likable, whatever he needed to be. He had to try. A part of him had always envied Regulus.

Because Regulus Black was not exactly likable. He’d always been a little too quiet, too rude and sarcastic. If someone told him to smile, he’d instantly glare. In fact, he had a bit of an infamous glare. Yet, Regulus was—and had always been—the town’s sweetheart.

James never quite figured out what it was. What he had that James didn’t. Was it Regulus’ angelic curls and big eyes? Or the way he’d always obeyed his parents and done well in school? Was it because by Stillcreek standards, the Blacks were well off? Or maybe the biggest difference was all of the above and the added factor that Regulus was white.

Regulus didn’t even want to be the town’s sweetheart. He didn’t care. He probably hated most of the people there, and that was the worst part. Because did James want it.

But no one ever got what they wanted. James didn’t think he knew a single person who did.

James wondered if Regulus had found even a semblance of happiness. Was he okay with this?

“Good,” Lily spoke, and it took James a second to remember what they were talking about. “We’ve got to start getting rid of what we can.”

James hummed in response. He thought about how his parents used to keep their alcohol on the top shelf. He knew if he opened the cupboard, it’d be empty now.

There was a tape whirring in James’ mind, he imagined he heard the click as he stopped it. Silence followed.

“I think I’m going to take a drive,” James said, his voice muffled in his ears.

He barely registered Lily’s response before he was grabbing his keys and leaving the house.

In the past, James didn’t wait for her to respond, he didn’t even say anything. He’d slip out of bed in the middle of the night and leave without a word. He’d be out getting wasted while his girlfriend and son slept soundly in their beds, with no idea.

Or Harry had no idea. Lily was smart, she figured it out. She figured out she deserved better, and James cried in relief the day she told him she wanted to break up. But they had a son. So, these days, James told her when he was leaving.

These days, James didn’t get drunk, but he thought about it.

He thought about it as he got into the truck. He knew the closest bar, the closest liquor store. Fuck, if he wasn’t picky, he could go to the gas station.

Hands clenched around the steering wheel, James drove in the opposite direction. Further away from civilization, from anyone who would sell him a drink.

James’ body knew the direction he was going, even before his mind caught up.

He drove down a barren road, parking in a small dirt section, where his truck was hidden from the trees. There were no tire tracks. They used to mark  James’ spot as he parked in the same place time and time again. It was dark and James pulled a flashlight from his glove compartment, clicking it on as he stepped into the trees.

His path here was gone too, covered by dead leaves the dirt relatively untouched underneath, but James still knew where to put his feet. The trees at least, were exactly the same. It felt like a lifetime ago that he’d passed through them, he wasn’t sure he felt welcomed back.

No, the feeling was more akin to being watched. These trees knew the things he’d done. They could never speak, but the stories were etched into their bark. The pain, the blood, the loss of Stillcreek. These same trees had probably seen the bloody rise of America. They probably missed the way things had been before.

They didn’t teach you properly, not in Oklahoma. The schools didn’t want to tell the honest story of the land they’d taken. James knew because his family carried pain that could never be undone, but most kids had no idea. They grew up pledging allegiance to the flag, saying “god bless America, land of the brave! “ It was always loud in the South, but it got even louder after the Twin Towers fell. Everyone had a flag, they wanted to scream their patriotism. James loved his home, he was proud of where he’d come from, but sometimes he couldn’t breathe around it. Sometimes he felt like he’d never win. He’d never quite grasp onto that American dream.

James was tired. He missed his parents, he missed Harry, he missed home, but he didn’t even where that was. Stillcreek didn’t feel like home any more than New York did.

James took a deep breath; he imagined the whirring of the tape. He imagined skipping it with a click. He took a deep breath. Skip, skip, skip. Moving right on, James was not going to dwell on the things that ached. The raging anger that festered in his chest.

James was tired of aching, but wasn’t everyone? (Did this happen to everyone? He wasn't so sure.)

He stopped as his flashlight illuminated an old car, rusted with time, plants growing through it. The windows were smashed, the seats were dismantled, and dead leaves covered the roof. But surprisingly, the hood looked clean, as if it were just there, waiting for James. Slowly, he stepped forward, jumping up to sit on the hood of the car.

James lost his virginity here, with quiet breaths and fumbling, shaking hands. He remembered whispers pressed into skin.

Okay? Are we okay—

Nope. Fuck no. That was another thing James skipped.

He rested his flashlight on the hood, pointing aimlessly into the trees.

James pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes until dark spots danced across his vision, and then, he pressed a little harder for good measure.

“Be normal,” James told himself aloud, his voice swallowed by the darkness. “Just breathe, you’re okay.”

He didn’t know who he was kidding, but he hoped if he kept speaking it aloud, maybe one day it’d be true.

As James let out a shaky exhale, there was a crack of a branch and James bolted up straight, heart hammering.

For a second, his mind screamed that it was a murderer, a serial killer, or some kind of creature lurking in the dark. But as he blinked, his gaze finding the culprit, his heart stuttered in his chest.

He was sixteen again, eyes meeting in the dark.

“You waited.”

“Duh, of course, I did.”

“But I took forever.”

“Yeah, but you said you’d come, and you did.”

“What if one day I don’t?”

“Impossible, that will never happen.”

It had. And yet, maybe it hadn’t. Because here he was.

James hadn’t asked Regulus to come, but here he was—eyes wide, lips parted, curls disheveled. James wanted to eat him. He wanted to beg Regulus to let himself be loved. He wanted to get on his knees and make Regulus remember how carefully he used to touch, how James used to grab him by the wrist.

“Ruin me if you want. No need to be gentle.”

Regulus had delivered on that front.  

“What are you doing here?” Regulus whispered like he wasn’t sure James was real. That was fair, James wasn’t sure either.

“I needed to go somewhere in the opposite direction of a bar,” James said hoarsely, his voice cutting through the distance between them.

Regulus swallowed. “Oh.” He paused, considering for a moment before he took another step forward. “Are you sober?” No preamble, no dancing around it.

“Yes,” James said simply.

“Oh,” Regulus said again.

Neither of them spoke. Regulus didn’t turn away either.

James wondered if Regulus’ organs ever felt like they were trying to tear their way out of his body and settle in James' instead. The same way James could feel his own heart straining against his ribs. He wondered if Regulus felt even a portion of the love James did.

Maybe once, but surely not after all this time?

“What are you doing here?” James asked awkwardly.

Regulus crossed his arms like he could protect himself from the pain pulling taut between them.

“This is practically in my backyard.”

“I know that,” James said with a frown. “I’m just surprised you still come out here.” A pause. “Why do you still come out here? I feel like you ought to avoid it like the plague.”

“Why?” Regulus scoffed. “Because you took my virginity here?”

“Hey,” James said, bristling. “That was mutual. You took mine.”

“Whatever.”

“No whatever. Look, sex aside I just don’t understand why you’d come out here—”

“Because sometimes I miss you!” Regulus snapped, effectively shutting James up. “Is that what you want to hear? Jesus fucking Christ.”

James blinked, speechless for a second. “You miss me?” he asked in shock.

“That’s what I just said,” Regulus muttered, but his voice was tight, and James got the feeling he hadn’t meant to say it at all.

“I thought you hated me.”

“I might.”

“You’re confusing me,” James said. “Do you hate me or miss me?”

“Can’t I do both?”

“I- I dunno… I guess I just never imagined you would miss me.”

“Of course not,” Regulus scoffed, a bitter edge to his voice.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just that the world starts and ends with everything James Potter touches, doesn’t it? I can’t possibly exist in your absence, right? I can’t miss you if you’ve said it’s done?”

“You said it was done,” James said, his voice rising slightly. “Don’t twist things to fit whatever narrative you’ve built up. You ended things.”

“I didn’t have a lot of choices.”

“You could have, I loved you—”

“Not enough,” Regulus said. His voice was flat, but the words were spoken with such conviction that James knew Regulus believed it. So, he missed James, but hated him and believed he hadn’t loved Regulus enough?

James wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with that.

“That’s not true,” James said, but it didn’t come out particularly confident.

“Whatever,” Regulus mumbled.

It wasn’t whatever. James loved Regulus Black in an untouchable, unfathomable sort of way. He couldn’t describe it. The word love was not even close to big enough. It didn’t encompass the hugeness of the feeling. Loving Regulus was like something instinctual, old, and hungry reacting inside his chest. Loving Regulus was as easy and as hard as breathing. Like James was made to do it, but sometimes if he thought too hard, it stopped being natural.

James loved Regulus best when he didn’t think about it, when he didn’t do it manually. James was better for Regulus when there was distance between them.

Maybe James had forced Regulus’ hand. Maybe Regulus did or didn’t hate James, but James hated Regulus.

He hated Regulus because he never figured out how to stop loving him. Because it was probably impossible. Because your first loves were supposed to be stupid and juvenile. You’re supposed to lose your virginity in some awkward, fumbling encounter with someone who would remain a stranger. And with Regulus… yes it was awkward and fumbling, but it was also love, love, love. It never went away. James’ heart never stopped beating for Regulus. Even when it was done.

And when the end came, and James was forced to face his regrets… Regulus Black was the loudest of them. Louder than he should have been considering how many years had passed. James regretted Regulus because he never learned how to love him right. He never learned how to keep them warm and safe. They were always fire burning in the palm of James’ hand, and he could still feel it even now.

“No,” James said. He opened his mouth to continue, but he couldn’t. he didn’t know how to explain any of the things he felt for Regulus.

“No?” Regulus questioned, and James could tell he was scared. Ready to be hurt again. Because that was what James had always done, hurt. Not that Regulus wasn’t guilty too. He was.

And that was part of why James hated Regulus too. Because he wasn’t stupid. He’d always known that they were both men, that Regulus had allowed it to happen, but he would not keep allowing it forever. That it went against everything he believed in. James was a sin, and the feeling of being one never quite went away. Knowing that James was something Regulus was doing wrong, something to atone for. He wondered if Regulus still prayed for forgiveness.

“It’s not whatever,” James said hoarsely. “Don’t say that it is. Okay?”

“Fine,” Regulus replied his voice clipped. “But don’t act so shocked that I might be able to miss you.”

“No, you don’t act so shocked that I’m shocked.” The words tumbled out ineloquently, but James couldn’t care. “I’m not dumb, okay?”

“I know you’re not,” Regulus said quietly. “I don’t know what this has to do with anything.”

“It does. Because whether I gave you a choice or not, you wanted an excuse. I always knew you’d end things. That you’d go find some white girl to marry and live happily ever after. Or maybe happy didn’t matter, just as long as you seemed normal. I knew you’d break my heart and I let you have me anyway. So don’t say whatever, because I loved you, and it ruined me. I’m sorry if it wasn’t what you were looking for, I’m sorry I’m not a girl. I wish I was, okay? I- I wish I was if it meant things would have been different.”

Regulus seemed shaken by James’ words, his eyes wide. His face was shadowed by James’ flashlight, and it made his expression seem even deeper, more hurt. “Okay,” Regulus whispered. He was far away, four or five steps. James could have crossed them, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t touch Regulus because he was afraid if he did, he wouldn’t know how to stop. James wasn’t sure if it was possible, but it would probably feel even worse, getting his heart broken by Regulus Black a second time.

“I don’t know if I hate you,” Regulus spoke after a long moment. “I- I might, I might not. Sometimes I think I do. But… I wish things had been different too.”

“Okay,” James said his voice small. He hopped down from the hood of the car, grabbing his flashlight. “I- uh. I should…” James gestured in the direction he’d come.

“Yeah,” Regulus said stiffly. “Right.”

“Okay…” James took a step backward, but he didn’t turn away yet. Instead, he watched Regulus, every shadow and detail of his face. He was even more beautiful than James remembered. The thought ached in his fingertips. James wanted to touch. He wanted to take Regulus apart in his hands, to see if he made the same noises, if his body was different, if he’d let James take whatever he wanted. James wasn’t sure which scared him more, that nothing had changed or that everything had. “For the record,” he began, instead of I need you, I love you. Let me prove that I loved you enough and I love you enough. “I missed you too.”

With that, James did turn away. He couldn’t watch Regulus’ face and see what might be etched there.

Instead, he started back through the trees. He pretended he was carving out his path again. He could hear the trees whispering their stories, echoing his name. James got in his truck and drove home.

Lily was in the kitchen when he got back. “Hey, James, you okay?”

“Yeah,” James said casting her a small smile. “The drive did me good. It just kind of feels like I’m suffocating in this house some days…” James trailed off raising a hand to wave vaguely. “Lots of ghosts.”

It was true. True enough that Lily would accept it as James opening up, being honest, but not the whole truth. No, his childhood home wasn’t the only place James felt like he was suffocating. He always felt like that, but it didn’t seem like a normal thing to say, so he kept his mouth shut.

“Yeah, I know,” Lily said gently, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Lils.”

She reached out to pat him on the shoulder, and James thought not for the first time, that it was strange she’d once been his girlfriend. Now, Lily was just family.

“You seen Sirius?” James asked.

“Upstairs last I checked.

“I’m going to go check on him,” James told her. “It’s too early for him to be asleep.”

“Of course, go ahead.” Lily always spoke so crisply, so articulately. Some of it had rubbed off on James. Living in New York had rubbed off on James. He was never sure if he missed who he used to be. If I would take it back even if he could.

Nodding, James turned, heading up the stairs. Sirius wasn’t in his room, James checked the guest room Lily was staying in, which was empty too. Finally, at the end of the hall, James pushed open his own door.

Sirius was sitting on James’ bed, the closet was open, and there was an open box at his feet.

“Sirius—”

“Dear, James,” Sirius said flatly. James’ heart dropped as he registered his friend was reading off a piece of paper. “I’m taking the coward’s way out, I know that. But I don’t think you have any right to get on me, considering everything… I just need to say that I don’t want to see you anymore. I cannot have you; I cannot love you. This won’t work. This isn’t right and you aren’t right. You’re sick, and I’ve tried but nothing gets through to you. And you can spit in my face and call me whatever awful things you want, but I have my faith, I won’t throw that away. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry I scared you. It doesn’t make me feel any better. I wish it did, I wish we could just be even. I love you but this is fucked up. Nothing is even, nothing is fair…”

Sirius paused. He didn’t read any more, but James didn’t need him to. He knew what it said. He’d memorized it before stuffing it in the back of his closet and wishing he hadn’t read it so many times. Maybe if James had just read the letter once, it wouldn’t have been burned into his brain.

…nothing is fair, and I want you to go. I’m asking you to go. I don’t want you here anymore, I can’t love you. I know you’ve thought about staying, I know your parents are keeping the house, but that’s a delusion, James. We don’t have a future together. Even if you stay, I won’t love you. I refuse to. I’m done, James. I’m done. I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to go to hell, I don’t want to pick up after you anymore. You can hate me. I wish I hadn’t hurt you and I am sorry, but if we’re being honest, I need you to go. I’d rather never talk to you again.

I wish we were other people. I wish you were someone else. I wish that Sirius and I were okay, and I wish I didn’t already know you’ll choose him. I know you want me to tell you you’re a good person, but I don’t know if you are anymore. I used to think so. I wouldn’t say I’m good either, so it’s not like my word means much but… I’m sorry for making you flinch, I don’t want to be like that but you make me into it.

-Regulus

Regulus didn’t talk to James in the same way he wrote. He talked soft and slow, his lips pressed into James’ skin. He whispered nonsense into James’ neck and said I love you when he thought James wouldn’t hear. The letter had always felt like someone else. It was too formal, too stilted. Not like the Regulus James knew. Not the one he’d grown up with. His wide stormy eyes and shyness. Not the Regulus who let James grab him by the waist, the one who melted at the first touch of James’ fingers. The letter came from a stranger with Regulus’ handwriting and name, but it wasn’t James’ Regulus.

“What is this?” Sirius asked, waving the letter at James. Sirius knew what it was. He surely read enough of it before James even walked in. He knew.

James felt his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach. “Sirius—”

“No,” Sirius said sharply. “Just tell me I’m wrong. Tell me it isn’t what I think it is. Tell me this isn’t from my baby brother.”

His name was signed at the bottom, James couldn’t say that. “I- it is but it’s not…” James trailed off, unsure what he could say in his defense. There was no defense, James fell in love with his best friend’s little brother and kept it a secret for years.

“It’s not what I think it is?” Sirius questioned. “I mean I knew the two of you got close, I’m understanding it wrong, right?” Sirius was impossible to read, his face blank. James couldn’t tell if Sirius was being sarcastic, or if he really wanted James to say he was wrong. “But then… what was it he said? Ah, here ‘we don’t have a future together. Even if you stay, I won’t love you. I refuse to.’  Now I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t sound like close friends to me.”

“I’m sorry,” James whispered.

That seemed to answer Sirius’ question because he stood suddenly, tossing the letter on the bed. “I was looking for fucking pictures,” he scoffed. “I knew you had pictures of us as kids, and I thought Harry might like them someday. Then, I’m going through your closet and what do I find? Well, a shit ton of pictures of my brother. Which admittedly, I found weird, but okay. You were friends, so no big deal but then this?” Sirius said gesturing sharply at the letter. “You had a thing, didn’t you? You had a thing with my brother, and you’ve been lying to me for years.”

“I- it’s not like that, Sirius. It’s over, and it has been for a long time. I swear I wasn’t like actively lying to you, we just kept it quiet because you know… we’re both guys and then it ended fucking terribly. I couldn’t tell you that, Sirius. I couldn’t tell you the things I did, or the things Regulus did, that were just as horrible. It needed to stay buried. Everything had become a shit storm anyway, I didn’t want to stir up more issues.”

“But you never said anything,” Sirius said stiffly. “I- I mean what does this mean? Are you gay?”

“No,” James said. “I’m not, I’ve dated girls.”

“I’m gay.”

James blinked. “I know,” he said in confusion.

“I’ve been in love with Remus half my life.”

“Yeah, I know,” James said again. That one Sirius had never actually told James, but it didn’t take an idiot to work out.

“Exactly,” Sirius hissed, expression twisting angrily. “Exactly, you knew. Because I don’t lie to you. Because I would have never done this to you.”

“I can explain—”

“I don’t want you to explain,” Sirius said harshly. “This is the problem. You don’t even get it! Do you think I don’t fucking know Regulus is gay? He may not have ever quite figured it out, but I did. I knew he had a crush on you, I knew you were close after he started high school. I knew something happened between you two and I never pried because I didn’t want to know what ended it. Because I thought it was all me. That I had lost Regulus and then taken him from you too. I’ve blamed myself for years James, and now I’m finding out there was more to it? Now I’m finding out you kept things from me! I don’t want you to explain, I want you to trust me, but clearly, you don’t.”

With that, Sirius spun on his heel, slamming James’ bedroom door behind him.

James just stood there in silence his brain whirring.

I wish you were someone else.

Yeah, James wished that too.

Chapter Text

Sirius

__

Sirius didn’t do much right. He knew that. He’d grown up being told all the things he needed to fix. He never received praise, only criticism. It burrowed under his skin, sitting, growing, begging to be acknowledged.

Sirius was a lot. He knew that. Everyone who’d ever met him knew that.

James was the first person to love Sirius like it was easy. Like he didn’t even have to think about it, he just did it.

Maybe you feel indebted to him a twisted voice whispered in the back of his mind. Maybe you don’t love him. You’ve never loved him; you just like to be loved. You’re not capable of loving anyone unless they have something to offer you. Just look at what you did to Peter, look at what you let James become. No wonder he never told you. James knows if you so much as doubted his love, you’d leave him. Just like you left Remus and Regulus.

Sirius didn’t know which was worse, the idea that James loved Regulus or that Regulus loved James. Regulus who had swiftly and harshly cut ties with Sirius had written James a letter. He didn’t write Sirius one. He didn’t say a word. He most certainly didn’t say sorry.

Why did James get an apology? Why was he worthy of one and Sirius wasn’t?

“Hey, Sirius. Everything okay—”

Sirius didn’t wait to hear what Lily had to say as he cut through the kitchen, slamming the screen door behind him.

There was something wrong with Sirius There always had been. He was probably born like this, with a gaping hole in his chest where his heart was supposed to be. Sirius didn’t know how to love right. He didn’t know how to love if he wasn’t getting anything out of it. Sirius was selfish and self-absorbed and narcissistic and every other thing his mother had told him. Just because she was a terrible old bitch, didn’t mean she was wrong.

Sirius didn’t know what he was doing.

Or no, he knew what he was doing, but he wished he could stop himself. He wished he had ever experienced impulse control a day in his life. But Sirius didn’t know how to stop once the thought was there. He wasn’t someone who could pause or hold back. Nothing happened halfway. So his only hope, was that his timing would be off. It’d be too late, no one would be around.

When he pulled into the parking lot, the diner was dark.

Sirius was angry.

James got an apology. James got a letter. James got to know every bit of Sirius inside out but kept his own secrets.

Sirius felt the rage rising in his throat, itching under his skin. He wanted to dig in his nails and tear. To scrape his brain out of his skull and dump it on the concrete.

He pushed open the driver’s side door with more force than was necessary. It wasn’t enough. Sirius needed to pull down the whole world with him.

Seething, Sirius kicked the side of the truck, then he kicked it again harder. His heart was beating, blood roaring, rage pressing in behind his eyes. Sirius just hated. He was made of it, the feeling bubbling over. He hated every inch of himself, of James and Regulus and Stillcreek, and the whole fucking world. The anger was white hot, and he didn’t feel human as his fist made contact with the car door, pain instantly shooting through his knuckles and up his wrist.

“Fuck!” Sirius cursed, and it wasn’t enough. He needed to break something, to crush his own bones, pull the hair from his head—

“Sirius?”

Sirius froze. His vision felt blurry, his breath was deafening in his ears. Apparently, the timing wasn’t off, or maybe it was. That depended on what outcome Sirius had been hoping for. He didn’t know. All of them were equally bad.

Sirius doubled over, hand throbbing. He tried to breathe, putting a hand on the side of the truck to brace himself.

“Hey…” Remus’ voice was soft. He was at Sirius’ shoulder, not touching, but there. “Sirius, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”

Sirius tried to nod but the movement felt strange, jumbled, he didn’t know if he remembered how to do it anymore. There was something cold tightening around Sirius' heart. He was coming apart from the inside.

“Can I touch you?”

Sirius tried to get the words out, but they were stuck in his throat, so he just nodded weakly, trying to catch his breath around the burning ball of anger churning inside his ribs. Remus seemed to get the memo anyway, reaching out carefully, his hand finding Sirius’ shoulder.

Sirius felt his first inkling of something that wasn’t hatred.

Remus was warm, his hand strong and firm on Sirius' shoulder. They just stayed there for a long time, even when Sirius’ anger shifted into tears. Remus stayed while Sirius cried, he didn’t even know what he was crying for. Sirius and James? Sirius and Regulus? Sirius and Remus? James and Regulus? All Sirius knew was that a million little emotions had clumped together to form a ball. Cold, twisted aching. Sirius was so angry and so sad that… he was pretty sure he felt nothing at all.

Sirius lifted his head, sniffing and Remus cast him a nervous look. “I- you alright?”

“I think it’s passing,” Sirius said, and his voice came out hoarse, cracking at the end of the sentence.

“Passing?”

“Yeah… it comes and goes,” Sirius muttered. “But it usually goes eventually.”

Remus nodded. He let go of Sirius’ shoulder. “Right…”

“Right,” Sirius repeated. Hot shame rushed over him as he was hit with sudden clarity. His hand was throbbing from where he’d punched the car, and his face was tight from dried tears. Not to mention Remus had just witnessed Sirius throwing a temper tantrum.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Sirius blurted out his voice shaky. “I- fuck…” he rubbed at his eyes. “Fuck.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Remus was stepping closer. “It’s okay…” he said slowly. Sirius wasn’t sure he believed his own words. “Were you looking for me?” he asked hesitantly.

“No.” A pause. “Yes. Or no. No. I-I was looking for something that doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Oh,” Remus shuffled, Sirius looked up, daring to meet his eyes. There was something guarded in his face. His shoulders were tight like he was trying to hold back. They hadn’t talked since they’d kissed. Sirius didn’t know if there was anything to talk about. Deep inside, they’d always known the truth, acknowledging it didn’t change any of the things that held them back. “You should get home, it’s getting late.”

“I can’t,” Sirius said before he could stop himself.

Remus paused, frowning. “Why?”

“I- James…”

“James?” Remus repeated.

“We had a fight… or no- not a fight. We didn’t really fight I just left. I-I can’t look at him right now. I can’t be around him.”

“You and James never fight,” Remus said.

Sirius let out a humorless laugh at that, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Oh,” he said bitterly. “We didn’t used to. Yeah… we didn’t used to. Things change. I blame him and he blames me, and—” Sirius broke off a realization hitting him. “Holy fucking shit,” he said straightening suddenly. “No wonder he blames me, it’s because of Regulus… lord.”

“Regulus?” Remus asked, his frown deepening. “What do you mean?”

Sirius studied Remus for a second, trying to pull apart his expression. “Do you know?”

“Know what?”

Okay, so apparently not. Sirius paused. Once, he would have instantly told Remus, now he wasn’t sure what to do. The wave of rage had subsided slightly, but there was still an itchiness under his skin, a wave of animosity and disgust whenever Sirius thought of James.

He loved James, he knew he loved James, but he didn’t feel it right now. He almost wanted to tell Remus about Regulus just to get back at James, but then he thought of Regulus. Regulus who had apologized to James. Regulus who had a kid and lived with Remus. Regulus, who apparently had never told Remus. Sirius would wager he’d never told anyone.

The only person who hated being gay more than Sirius was Regulus. The stupid boy with a cross around his throat. Sirius used to wonder how Regulus didn’t suffocate on it, but now he thought maybe Regulus did. Maybe, he bared it anyway.

Sirius didn’t know if that made him feel triumphant or weak. Because on one hand, he didn’t have to bear it these days, on the other, he couldn’t bear it. It would have killed Sirius, but here Regulus was. And maybe Sirius didn’t know him anymore. Maybe he’d only grasped onto little bits of Regulus’ life, but he seemed alright. He seemed settled, maybe even content. Why wasn’t he tired? Why wasn’t he angry?

Sirius was always angry. Nothing bounced off of him. He lived breathed and died to see himself through everyone else's eyes. Every time someone told him to let go, he held on. He knew he wasn’t easy to be around. He knew he never quite said the right thing or remembered to think about anyone but himself. Why did Regulus get to be different? Why had Sirius ended up with the disorder and Regulus got to be just fine?

“Come on,” Remus said after a long pause.

Sirius blinked. “Huh?”

“Come inside. I gotta make a call and won’t leave you out here.”

Remus sounded like home. Sirius never even noticed his accent until he left Stillcreek. Everyone sounded normal to him growing up. When Sirius thought Remus had left home, he imagined that accent fading. That Remus might shift it to sounder crisper, like the rich folk he went to school with. It was the same as it’d ever been, warm and smooth. Maybe his voice was a little lower, but that just made it better. Sirius wanted Remus to whisper in his ear, send shivers down his spine. Instead, he just nodded.

Sirius followed Remus inside the diner. He distantly wondered if any of this was real. It didn’t quite feel real as Remus sat him down at the counter before heading towards the back for the phone.

Sirius spent a lot of time in this diner, whispering in Remus’ ear. As he looked out the window into the darkness beyond, he was hit with an image. Something faint. It sharpened as he tried to dust off the memory.

Remus was sitting across from Sirius, homework spread across the table. Their ankles were touching under the table but neither of them acknowledged it.

“You made a mistake,” Remus gestured to Sirius’ math homework. “You missed a step, that’s why the number is so big.”

Sirius frowned down at his homework. “What? Where?”

“Hm, here,” Remus reached out and Sirius pushed his page over for Remus to examine. He frowned down at it, using his own pencil to erase part of Sirius’ work. His bottom lip was caught between his teeth and Sirius turned away so he’d stop staring. As he looked out the window, the sun was shining. He squinted in the light as he recognized James and Regulus’ form. They were standing outside the window, talking seriously.

Regulus had his arms crossed like he was trying to protect himself, and James was gesturing, a crease between his brows. After a moment, Regulus said something, cutting James off. Sirius watched the way James instantly broke off. The weirdest part was how after that, they just stood there, locked in some intense staring contest. James broke first, shaking his head and looking away. He said something else, reaching out to squeeze Regulus’ arm. Regulus let him.

That moment should have struck Sirius as strange. Regulus didn’t let most people touch him, even those close to him. Sirius had brushed it off back then, because yeah, Regulus was closed off, but he knew James. Sirius hadn’t even considered it until now as the memory of their silhouettes burned into his brain. Had they been together at that point? What were they arguing about? Were they ever happy? Did they love each other? Did they still?

Sirius looked up as Remus reappeared. “You can come with me.”

Sirius scrambled up from his seat. “What?”

“You said you can’t go home and I’m not leaving you. I called Reg and he said it’s okay if you stay the night.”

“He did?” Sirius questioned in disbelief. “No way. Why would he?”

“Dunno, that’s a question for him.”

“What did you say to him?” Sirius asked suspiciously.

Remus didn’t answer. He just frowned. “Regulus doesn’t hate, you know.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Sirius muttered.

“He’s complicated.”

“He’s my brother,” Sirius snapped. “Do you think I don’t know that?”

“No,” Remus said quickly. “That’s not what I said. I mean he’s complicated, and you’re complicated, and… everything is complicated. Sometimes it’s bigger than just one thing or one person. Bigger than one feeling, y’know? So, I don’t know exactly what Regulus feels, but whatever he does, he still loves you. He just has a lot to lose. It took a lot to get to where he is now, and you weren’t there.”

“You think I’m selfish,” Sirius said flatly. “Because I left.”

“Everyone is selfish, I don’t think there was inherently wrong with you leaving. You did what you had to do. Lord knows it was probably better than staying. I think it would have killed you, and you would hate us all for it…. Me and Reg? We’re not the same, we don’t feel the exact same things just because we both stayed. I don’t blame you for leaving, Sirius.”

“Then what?” Sirius asked, crossing his arms. “Because you blame me for something. You hold some kind of resentment. I know you do, because you couldn’t even look at me before.”

Remus swallowed. “You know, I still don’t even know the whole story,” he began flatly. “Peter didn’t tell me. James never said a word. Something happened, and I’m pretty sure Regulus knows too, but I don’t. You wouldn’t tell me. You— Sirius, you wouldn’t let me in or let me love you or… love me. I blame you for that. I blame you for letting me think that you could love me and then turning around and leaving me behind. You didn’t even say goodbye, Sirius. That is what hurts. I wasn’t even worth an explanation.”

“No, no,” Sirius shook his head. “It’s not about that. I- you’re worth more, Remus. More than anything I could offer you. I thought I was setting you free.”

“Maybe I didn’t want to be free, have you ever thought of that?”

Sirius hadn’t. In his mind, everyone wanted to be free. Everyone was banging on the bars of their cage, begging to be let out. Why stay? Why go back?

Remus took Sirius’ silence as answer enough. “Yeah…” he said slowly. “That’s what I thought. The world is bigger than just the way you see it, Sirius.”

Somehow, that hurt even worse than if Remus had said I hate you.

“I know,” Sirius said his voice small. He did. He really did.

He was pretty sure he did. Right?

Rightrightrightrightright?

Or maybe wrong. Maybe, I’ve never actually cared about a single person. I’m broken, I can’t love people.

Remus shook his head. He probably knew it hurt. “Come on, let’s just go,” Remus said quietly.

Sirius followed. What else was he supposed to do?

(Run in the other direction, probably.)

He regretted it as soon as he pulled up at his childhood home. He didn’t know how Regulus could live here. How could he breathe around the ghosts, the pain that bled into the very foundation of the house?

“Do you want to go back to James’?” Remus asked when Sirius froze in the front yard.

The house didn’t look the same. There were boots on the porch, and one of the steps was broken. A bucket of chalk was pushed to the side, signs of life—humanity—that Walburga and Orion never allowed to exist. The door was propped open slightly, and yellow light filtered out into the night.

“No…” Sirius said after a second. His heart was trying to cannibalize itself in his chest, but Sirius was not weak. He squared his shoulder, standing up straight. He couldn’t go back to James. This, somehow felt like the lesser of two evils. “It’s fine.”

Remus nodded. Sirius wondered if Remus wanted to touch Sirius as he hesitated, fingers twitching. After a second, he started forward. “Okay,” he said.

Remus led Sirius inside. The house was warm, Pandora Lovegood was sitting at the kitchen table when they walked in. She didn’t seem surprised to see Sirius, so she must have heard he was coming. “Hello,” she greeted.

Pandora was Regulus’ friend. Sirius had never known her very well. Trailer Park Princess, people used to call her. She was a little too smart, too pretty for her own good, for the place she called home. She still held that same sort of beauty and grace. Her pale curls tumbled down her back, and her eyes were a piercing blue. She looked at Sirius like she knew something he didn’t. She probably did. Sirius thought some people might feel bad for her. Pandora could have been anything she wanted to. She was brilliant. If she’d gone to college, she might have ended up as a doctor or a scientist. Instead, she was here in Stillcreek, wearing a waitress uniform at the dining room table.

Some people dreamed about being rich. Sirius thought that was why so many of them supported these politicians who didn’t give a shit about them. The rich got richer, and people carried these delusions, that one day, that’d be them too. It was unlikely.

So, Pandora wasn’t everything, but she was here. She looked healthy, she had smile lines, and a warm glow painted across her skin. Maybe she was fine with just being this.

The notion was hard to grasp. Sirius had only ever wanted the world, but he didn’t think Pandora would want to be pitied. She was probably happier than Sirius was.

“Hi,” Sirius said slowly.

There was the sound of footsteps and a second later, Regulus appeared in the doorway. He paused, stiffening when he registered Sirius.

Sirius was still half convinced Regulus would tell him to get the fuck out. Honestly, it seemed like he was about to when he opened his mouth, but as their eyes met, the words didn’t come out. Regulus was just standing there, looking, his brow creased. It felt like Regulus was seeing something Sirius didn’t want him to.

“I’m not dealing with this,” was all Regulus said when he wrenched his gaze away. “Remus, you brought him, it’s your problem.” With that, he turned on his heel.

There was a pause before Pandora nodded towards the stove. “Mac and cheese?” she offered.

Remus let out a groan at that. “Pandora, for fucks sake,” he muttered.

Sirius just stood there as the two bickered. It was so familial, and Sirius felt like the world was spinning around him. God, so much had changed. Regulus and Remus had changed, and Sirius missed it.

“You can stay in my room.” It took Sirius a moment to realize he was being spoken to and the bickering between Remus and Pandora had ended.

“Okay,” Sirius said quietly. He almost wanted to take it back. This was worse than seeing James, but it was too late now.

Remus led Sirius up the stairs. Remus’ room used to be the guest room, but it looked entirely different now. It was just so… Remus. From the sweater thrown over the desk chair to the assortment of pens scattered across the desk and the boxes of CDs and cassette tapes in the corner.

“The bed pulls out,” Remus said. Sirius knew that, but he didn’t say a word, just helped Remus set it up in silence.

He handed Sirius some sheets and a pillow before taking a step back. “Uh, I’m going to go check in with Reg. You can grab something from my drawers to sleep in.” With that, Remus disappeared down the hall.

The whole thing was awkward and strange. By the time Remus returned, it was late. Sirius pretended to be asleep. He couldn’t face this, couldn’t think about it. Remus probably knew Sirius was awake, but he let him pretend, getting ready for bed quietly. Remus fell asleep quickly and still, Sirius didn’t sleep.

At a certain point, Sirius couldn’t lie there anymore, and he sat up. Quietly, he crept out of the room and down the stairs. It was instinct to skip the creaky step and the loose floorboards. Sirius fucking hated this house. Even though it was different, warm, and lived in… it felt the same.

The phone was in the same place it’d always been. Sirius picked it up, quickly dialing the Potters. It only rang for a second before the call was picked up.

“Hello?” James asked worriedly.

“Get Lily,” Sirius said flatly.

“Sirius?”

“I don’t want to talk to you, James. Get Lily.”

There was a silence, but James knew when Sirius wasn’t messing around. “Okay,” he said after a moment.

There was a pause, a distant crackle of voices before Lily’s voice came over the line. “Sirius? Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Sirius said quickly. “I’m just going to be away for tonight, so don’t wait up.”

“Are you safe?” she asked. Sirius wondered if James had told her what happened. Did she already know about James and Regulus? She’d dated James, had it ever come up, or was it something James intended to take to his grave?

“I am,” Sirius said, rather than asking any of his questions. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I- okay,” she said quickly. “Love you lots.”

“Yeah, love you too, Lils,” Sirius murmured. He hung up before she could question him more.

Sirius registered a presence even before he heard the noise. Growing up a Black, you had to learn to be aware of who was around you at every second. Sirius turned, coming face to face with Regulus who was standing in the hall. He looked softer than he ever did in Sirius’ memory. His sweatshirt was too big (probably Remus’) and his hair was falling messily. Regulus looked painfully human.

Regulus stared through the darkness and Sirius wished he knew what Regulus was thinking. It’d been a long time since he knew how to read his brother. Regulus only held Sirius’ gaze for a second longer before he was pushing past Sirius, towards the front door. He yanked it open, not bothering to put on shoes.

Suddenly, Sirius was ten again and Regulus was nine. Some instinct kicked in, something engraved in his bones.

“Regulus, you’ll get stickers on your socks!” Sirius hissed. Regulus ignored him letting the screen door slam shut behind him. Sirius moved. He didn’t think about which pair of shoes were Regulus’ he just knew. Sirius jammed his feet into his own shoes, before picking up Regulus’ and hurrying out the front door. Regulus was standing on the porch, in just his socks, and Sirius dropped the shoes in front of him.

“Put them on,” Sirius demanded.

Maybe, some instinct still existed in Regulus too, because somehow, he obeyed. Sirius didn’t say a word as Regulus leaned down, pushing his feet into his shoes. He didn’t say a word as Regulus straightened turning his back on Sirius and stepping into the grass.

Sirius followed.

When Regulus was six, he rolled down the hill in their backyard. When he got up, he was covered in sharp tree stickers. He’d come running to Sirius, tears in his eyes. Sirius had meticulously picked out every one, ignoring the way they stabbed his fingers. He didn’t flinch, because Regulus was scared. If Sirius cried, Regulus would cry. So, Sirius never cried.

“Do you still love me?” Sirius whispered to Regulus’ back. It was quiet, and Regulus, had his back turned, walking in the other direction. He heard it anyway.

He froze.

“What?” Regulus asked, his voice strangled. He didn’t turn around, but it was easier that way.

“I—” Sirius faltered. “I thought you didn’t.”

This time, Regulus did spin, his mouth open in shock. “What?” He repeated. “Sirius, what the fuck?”

Sirius blinked. “Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. It’s not crazy. You haven’t given two shits about me in a long time.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? You don’t even want me here. I don’t know why you agreed.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t care. It just means I have my life and it’s better off without you in it.”

Ouch. Sirius tried to swallow around that, but Regulus’ words worked their way under his skin.

“You pulled away,” Sirius said his voice rough. “I know you hate me for leaving you, but you wouldn’t even talk to me in the end.”

“You were always going to leave,” Regulus scoffed. “I protected myself from it.”

Sirius practically heard the pieces clicking into place at that. Oh…

“I wouldn’t have left like that,” Sirius whispered. “I needed to go, but I- I never wanted to just cut ties. I never wanted to lose you forever. I did that because you wanted it.”

“I never wanted it.”

“Yeah…” Sirius said. And he was angry just a little. Because he loved his brother. He still loved him so deeply, but he hated Regulus a little too. God, he was so dumb, and so was Sirius. “You never said,” Sirius whispered after a second. “If you love me.”

“Don’t be fucking stupid,” Regulus snapped. Of course, I do. Regulus didn’t say the last part, but Sirius heard it anyway.

Sirius didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t ask if Regulus hated him, Sirius knew the answer to that. He turned instead of speaking, taking a seat on the porch step that wasn’t broken. For a long moment, Sirius sat there. Regulus turned away, tilting his head to the sky.

Sirius remembered teaching him how to name those stars. He wondered if Regulus was remembering the same thing. After a while, Regulus turned suddenly, sitting down next to Sirius.

Regulus didn’t speak, and Sirius looked down at his hands. He used his thumbnail to scrape at his chipped nail polish. “I know,” Sirius said quietly, keeping his gaze down.

“Know what?” Regulus muttered.

“About James.”

Out of all the things they’d said, that was the thing to really get to Regulus. He stiffened so quickly, so violently, that Sirius almost laughed. He would have laughed if it didn’t make him so livid.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Regulus said, as if he hadn’t already given himself away.

Sirius scraped more violently at his polish. “Don’t play dumb,” he scoffed. “It’s not like I didn’t already know you’re gay.”

Regulus scrambled up at that, and Sirius looked up. Regulus’ eyes were blazing. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

Much to Sirius’ surprise, he didn’t say I’m not.

“So am I,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “But you knew that. I don’t care if you’re queer.”

“God cares.”

“Oh fuck God,” Sirius spat. He rose so he and Regulus were eye-to-eye. “If you already fucked my best friend, I’d say it’s probably a little too late to worry about God finding out.”

“It’s possible to—”

“If you’re about to spout some bullshit about forgiveness and repenting, you can stop there. I don’t care, Regulus. I am gay. It’s all I’ll ever be. Nothing I do can change that and I don’t want to. I’d much rather live my life now than spend it worrying about some ‘Hell’ that probably doesn’t even exist. I don’t care—”

“Of course you don’t!” Regulus interrupted. “You’ve never cared but I do, okay? I do! And great, you can say screw it, and live your life and do whatever you want, but I can’t! I am still here, and I’ve always been here, and you do not get to talk to me about James, okay? Because you don’t know a single fucking thing about that! So don’t you dare bring up James. I-it’s not… it’s not your business.”

Sirius was going to yell back. He was, up until Regulus said James’ name the second time, and his voice cracked.

His voice cracked, and Sirius thought about the fact that James got a letter. He thought about the things Regulus said in that letter.

I love you but this is fucked up.

I can’t love you.

I won’t love you.

Sirius swallowed, as it hit him properly for the first time. It’d been a vague thought earlier, but now it was clear, concrete. “You loved him,” Sirius said quietly.

Regulus clearly expected Sirius to lose his shit, because when Sirius didn’t yell, he seemed at a complete loss. “Huh?” He asked his voice rising in pitch.

“James… you loved him.”

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

So that meant yes. Sirius wasn’t exactly surprised, but the thought shifted things. “He loved you?”

It took Regulus a long time to reply. His jaw was clenched, his glassy. Slowly, Regulus inhaled, blinking away his emotion before he opened his mouth. “The best he could, I think.”

There were a lot of things about James that Sirius never thought Regulus knew, but if the bitter twist of his lips was anything to go by… Regulus definitely knew. Fuck, they could probably start a club. The Victims of James Potter Club. Sirius, Regulus, and Lily… Peter too, but he’d probably have his own club just for Sirius too. The Fucked Over by Sirius Black Because He Doesn’t Know How to Treat People Club. Didn’t that just roll right off the tongue?

James wasn’t a bad person. Sirius really, truly didn’t hate him. He knew this would pass eventually. But knowing it didn’t stop the way he felt at the moment. Sirius hated himself too, so James wasn’t special.

James Potter was just complicated. He wasn’t exactly what most people thought he was. If you looked past his smile, he was twisted up on the insides. He probably hated himself too. Regulus clearly hated himself as well. Sirius wondered if there was anyone in Stillcreek who didn’t hate themselves.

“I’m going inside,” Regulus said quietly. Sirius hadn’t responded, he didn’t know how to.

Yeah, James loved a lot of people the best he could, and it was rarely good enough, but who was Sirius to speak? Sometimes, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever loved anyone at all. Love wasn’t an easy emotion to pick apart. He didn’t know how to separate it from everything else. Love and obsession always looked the same to Sirius, he didn’t think they were supposed to.

Sirius didn’t tell Regulus that he hated himself too. He didn’t crack open his insides to show how rotted and fucked up he was. He didn’t ask Regulus if they’d ever be okay or why he’d let Sirius stay over. Instead, he just nodded.

Regulus stepped into the house.

Sirius followed.

Chapter Text

There's not enough rain in Oklahoma

To wash the sins out of that house

There's not enough wind in Oklahoma

To rip the nails out of the past

Remus

__

When Remus woke, there was something lurking in the back of his mind. Something he felt like he was forgetting. Stretching, he sat upright, rubbing at his eyes. He went to look at his clock and that was when he remembered.

Sirius Black.

Sirius Black, asleep on the pull-out bed, wearing one of Remus’ sweatshirts. He’d always been shorter, and it was too big on him, the neckline exposing his collarbone. He looked younger like that. His expression was peaceful, his lips parted slightly as he slept.

Sirius used to sleep over at Remus’ house a lot. He spent the most time at the Potter’s but a fair share elsewhere too. Anywhere away from his parents. So Remus had watched him sleep before (he meant that in the least creepy way possible), but Sirius had always been just a little guarded. It hit Remus in the gut as he realized that Sirius didn’t have to be guarded anymore. He didn’t expect anything to happen to him while he slept, and it’d probably been a long time since he had.

And suddenly, Remus couldn’t be angry anymore. He couldn’t be upset with Sirius for leaving. For other things, maybe, but leaving Stillcreek? No. He needed that, if he hadn’t, Remus didn’t know if Sirius would have survived.

He was always a loose cannon, an exposed nerve. Things either didn’t touch Sirius Black, or they hit him hard enough that he never quite recovered. Not a lot of things had the power to get under his skin, but when they did, it ruined him.

That hadn’t changed. Sirius hadn’t changed.

Or maybe he had, and Remus was just born to know him. Maybe Remus just couldn’t do anything else. So while Sirius was different, his heart still beat in tandem with Remus’. He smiled the same, frowned the same, and he looked at Remus the same, under everything—eyes wide, looking through his lashes. Remus used to think he’d drown in those eyes. Too bright, too magnetic, like he could see into Remus’ soul and pull him apart from the inside.

Neither of them were the same, but Sirius made Remus feel fifteen again. Standing behind the diner counter while Sirius leaned on the other side, head resting in his arms as he looked up at Remus.

Sirius used to tell these stories. Tall tales, daydreams, hopes. He would talk about running away, going somewhere where no one knew his name.

“I want to be nobody,” he used to say.

Remus knew that wasn’t true.

He wanted to be nobody. Remus wanted everyone to stop looking, stop knowing, stop perceiving him. He wanted to exist in the shadows and blend into the walls. He used to dream of being a ghost, watching everyone he knew live their lives without him. Rather than scaring him, Remus longed for it. He didn’t want to leave his life and loved ones behind, but he didn’t really want to participate in life either. He didn’t feel like he sat quite right in the world. Something, somewhere, was just a little off-balance, ill-fitting. Remus walked through his life as if one day he was a puzzle piece that was jammed in somewhere it didn’t fit—eventually to be wrenched loose.

What Sirius meant was that he wished he was someone else.

Remus wondered if he’d ever gotten his wish. If the city was quite as bright and exciting as he’d dreamed. Did Sirius like his life? Or was he still bleeding on the sharp edges of who he’d been born as?

Remus wanted to be nobody, but here he was, the same as he’d always been—known. Sirius knew Remus, just as well as Remus knew Sirius. They were stuck in each other’s orbit, even after all these years.

Slowly, as not to wake Sirius, Remus slid out of bed. He opened his dresser quietly, grabbing a sweatshirt to combat the early morning chill in the house. As he pulled it over his head, he turned and nearly jumped out of his skin as he met the eyes of a very awake Sirius Black.

Some things hadn’t changed that much, Sirius still woke at even the smallest sounds.

“Jesus,” Remus said holding a hand to his chest. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Sirius blinked. “Sorry,” he said after a pause, his voice scratchy with sleep.

“It’s okay,” Remus said quickly, feeling suddenly awkward. “Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You’re fine,” Sirius muttered. He was stopped from continuing when the door burst open.

“Moony! Are you awake?”

“Cassie,” Remus said as the little boy barreled into his leg. “What have we said about knocking? If I was asleep, I wouldn’t be anymore.”

Cassie looked only a little guilty as he wrapped his arms around Remus’ leg, looking up at him. There was the sound of footsteps and Regulus appeared in the doorway, looking frazzled.

“Cassiopeia,” Regulus scolded. His eyes only fixed on Sirius for a second before he was stepping over the threshold and peeling Cassie off Remus. “If you’re going into someone’s bedroom you have to knock first. That’s the rule.”

Under his father’s gaze, Cassie looked properly regretful. “Sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t say it to me,” Regulus said gently pointing Cassie’s head towards Remus. “Tell that to Remus.”

“I’m sorry,” Cassie said nodding solemnly.

“It’s okay, Cass,” Remus said reaching out to ruffle his curls. “I forgive you, just remember to knock next time, okay?”

“Yes,” Cassie agreed seriously. He seemed to notice Sirius for the first time, and he paused. “Oh, Uncle Rem, you’re having a sleepover?”

“Uh—” Remus shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, this is Sirius he just needed somewhere to stay for the night.”

Cassie blinked, studying Sirius who didn’t seem to know what to do.

“We’re friends,” Cassie declared after a pause.

Sirius seemed surprised by this statement. “Are we?”

“Daddy has pictures of you.”

Sirius’ eyebrows shot up, and Regulus made a strangled noise. “He does?” Sirius asked, looking towards Regulus who quickly averted his gaze.

Remus knew the only thing stopping Regulus from lying was Cassie. He wouldn’t want to set a bad example for his son, but Regulus clearly was not happy this information was being divulged.

“Come on Cass, let’s have breakfast,” Regulus said rather than answering.

Cassie had no trouble abandoning the conversation in favor of food, barreling out of the room. Regulus shut the door behind him, leaving Sirius and Remus alone again.

Remus opened his mouth, wanting to break the silence, but he didn’t know what to say, and promptly shut it again. It wasn’t that he didn’t have anything to say to Sirius. No Remus had plenty, too many things, and none of them productive.

The first and foremost was rattling around in Remus’ brain. Why did you let me kiss you? Did it mean something to you? Are you still thinking about it too?

Because Remus hadn’t stopped thinking about the warmth of Sirius’ lips and the feeling of his cheek on Remus’ palm. He couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to do more. To peel back the layers of Sirius Black and see the bits he was always trying to suppress.

“Do you know if he really has pictures?” Sirius spoke.

Remus tried to get rid of the images in his mind of Sirius’ lips.

“Yeah,” Remus said quietly. “Of course he does.”

Sirius didn’t seem to understand that. His brow furrowed as he mouthed the words—of course. As if this were preposterous.

Silence followed. Sirius frowned, and Remus wished he could pry open Sirius’ brain to figure out what he was thinking.

His eyes were stormy, his lips parted. Remus couldn’t stop thinking about his lips. Sirius fucking Black and those lips. Remus wanted Sirius, had always wanted Sirius, but now it was overwhelming. Remus was dizzy with it. Sirius was clearly thinking hard before he straightened suddenly. He opened his mouth, turning to meet Remus’ gaze and… well, Remus didn’t have time to wipe it.

Their eyes met, the moment stuttered as Sirius seemed to catch up, reading the hunger in Remus’ gaze. Downstairs, there was the sound of the front door closing, a car door slamming.

Remus cleared his throat. “Pandora is leaving,” he explained as Sirius turned his head towards the window. She’s taking the kids to the park today.”

“Oh? Reg, is… Regulus is still here?”

“Yeah.”

“So, it’s not just us?” Sirius looked away from the window, gaze flicking upwards to meet Remus’ eyes.

“Yeah,” Remus said again, but his mouth felt suddenly very dry, and it came out scratchy.

“Hm,” was all Sirius said.

He knew what he was doing. Remus knew he must have. His eyes were just a little too wide, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip in a way that wasn’t just a nervous habit. No, Sirius was testing him. Seeing how far Remus would go, if he’d break again like he had that day behind the diner.

Remus instantly decided he would not give Sirius the satisfaction. He simply held Sirius' gaze calmly, not moving or speaking.

After a long few seconds, Sirius looked away. “James will come looking for me,” he said stiffly. “Probably best he doesn’t show up here.”  

“What will happen if he shows up here?” Remus asked.

He was in the dark, always in the dark. It used to be him and Peter. The odd men out, the two standing on the outside. No one could touch James and Sirius. There was always some bond between them, an understanding. Something that other people didn’t get to be a part of.

The Black brothers were a different kind of impossible to understand. They were tangled up in each other, blood, DNA, brotherly love, and trauma binding them into one big mess. No one dared get close to that, not even James.

And Regulus and James had something too. That one, Remus understood less. All he knew was that out of everyone, James was the only one Regulus gave for.

He remembered what Sirius had said the night before.

“Do you know?”

Something about James and Regulus. Something else Remus Lupin wasn’t privy to. He didn’t know what had happened there. He didn’t know why they’d suddenly become closer in high school to just as suddenly break apart.

“I just don’t think it’d be good if James shows up here,” Sirius muttered, not answering the question.

“Because of Reg?”

Sirius blinked. A twisted bout of resentment flitted over his face before it was gone in an instant. Remus watched Sirius settle himself. The rage didn’t seem directed at Remus, but then again, Remus could never quite get inside Sirius’ brain.

“I thought you didn’t know about that,” Sirius said, his voice too carefully emotionless.

Remus frowned. “Know what? I can use context clues to guess there was something about James and Regulus that upset you. I’m not an idiot, you mentioned it yesterday.”

There was a pause. Sirius’ eyes flicked away from Remus’ face to rest over his shoulder, staring out the window.

“Aren’t you tired of the past?” he said finally. “It feels like every single part of my life since I came back to Stillcreek is made up of it and I’m tired.”

“You came back to a ghost town,” Remus said. “Don’t be so surprised to find ghosts.”

Sirius stood suddenly, clearly agitated. He took a few steps, pacing once and then twice before spinning on Remus. Something was burning in Sirius’ eyes, part anger and part… grief.

Remus was pretty sure it was grief. He wondered if Sirius knew what he was mourning. Or better, if he realized he was mourning at all.

“Doesn’t that make you angry?” Sirius asked.

“I’m not angry, that’s you.”

“No, it's everyone in this godforsaken town. It bleeds. This place was built on anger.”

“I’m not angry,” Remus repeated simply.

“Why?”

Remus couldn’t even be frustrated by Sirius because he sounded so lost, so unable to comprehend why Remus wasn’t angry.

“They would never accept you here if they knew everything about you,” Sirius continued when Remus didn’t speak.

“I know,” Remus shrugged. He’d always known he was different, an odd man out in a place where being different wasn’t allowed.

“And that doesn’t get to you? That doesn’t anger you?”

“No, because I don’t need or want their acceptance.”

That shut Sirius up.

Remus shook his head as he took in the tight line of Sirius’ lips. The confusion in his gaze.

“I don’t live my life for anyone else, I don’t care what they think. I’ve got the things I’ve got. Nothing more to it. I know what’s important, I have people who love me, and their approval is all I care about. It ain’t their business what I get up to in my personal life or who I am behind closed doors. You’d probably be a lot happier too if you stopped hating these people for not accepting you and started thinking about the things that actually matter.”

Sirius crossed his arms. Remus wasn’t sure if his words had really made much of an impact, but clearly, they’d lodged themselves somewhere in Sirius’ chest.

Remus knew how the Black brothers had grown up. It all mattered. Perception mattered, appearances mattered. Sirius hated it all so much because he couldn’t live up to any of the things his parents wanted, be a part of him still wanted it.

He’d always stood out in Stillcreek, and he’d leaned into it. If they wanted a bad kid, Sirius had laughed and said he’d give them bad. But Remus always knew he wasn’t really laughing. He wanted to be accepted and even before he started acting out, he’d been painted the villain. Before he ever had a chance to be anything else.

“I just need to get out of this place,” Sirius said flatly.

A deflection, he wasn’t actually listening to anything Remus had said. Remus resisted the urge to snap back. He couldn’t change Sirius Black, he never could.

Sirius

__

There was something seriously, fundamentally wrong with Sirius Black. He’d always known that. From the moment he gained any sort of consciousness.

Sirius was pretty sure his mother had loved him.

He remembered her holding him on her hip while she cooked dinner. He remembered how she would let him taste whatever she was cooking before sending him away to color while she worked. How she held him by the face until he cried and made sure he would always hate himself. A black loathing twisting in his chest—passed down from his own blood.

Sometimes Sirius wished he’d been born a daughter so he might be able to understand his mother. Why she was the way she was.

He watched the way his father spoke to her, always talking down, scowling, sharp. He remembered the way she never once mentioned her own parents or childhood. But Sirius still remembered the last words his uncle Alphard spoke to him before disappearing from Stillcreek.

“All Blacks know how to do is hurt each other. Every single one of us thinks we’ll be better. Your parents wanted it too, but it’s so much easier to be what you’re made to be. Do better Sirius. You can be so much better than any of us. Take care of Regulus and be careful with each other.”

Sirius had failed.

Now he was here, and Regulus was here, and there was such a world of hurt between them, Sirius didn’t know how to cross it.

He hated his mother. He hated her for everything she’d done both to him and Regulus. Sirius hated her, because without her, maybe he and Regulus would have been fine. Sirius hated her because his personality disorder had come from somewhere.

She had loved him, and it’d never stopped her from hurting him. Maybe if she’d never felt an ounce of love, she would have expected less of him. Or she would have had him beaten to death and been done with it.

Then at least, Sirius would not be the way he was.

He wondered how anyone could stomach him. He knew what they all must have been thinking.

There he goes, Sirius Black, thinking the world revolves around him.

“I don’t orbit you,” is what Regulus had spat during one of the last conversations they had before Sirius left. “I know you think I should, I know the rest of the world doesn’t exist outside of your narrow mind, but not everything is about you, Sirius!  You think you’re the only fucking person in the world. Do you think there aren’t other people in Stillcreek whose daddies were raging alcoholics? Other people whose parents took a belt to them every time they stepped out of line? You ain’t fucking special, quit acting like it. Quit acting like you’re the only person on this side of the world who’s ever known pain. You’re not!”

That one kept Sirius up at night. Mostly, because he was afraid it was true.

(He was pretty sure it was true.)

It was true that Sirius never knew how to care about anyone else but himself, and one day he’d be alone. Sirius would do anything not to be alone. He had done anything not to be alone, and at the end of the day, it didn’t even matter.

He felt alone anyway.

He was still alone, standing in Remus’ room. A room that hadn’t always been Remus’. Sirius wondered what his own room looked like. Had it been touched? Gutted? Or was it exactly the same as he’d left it?

He didn’t know how Regulus could live in this house.

Sirius wasn’t ever one to pray. The only time he ever did, was when the tornado sirens sounded. He used to get down on his knees and beg God to rip the damned house from the ground. If he truly cared so much about sins, shouldn’t he wash this one away? Shouldn’t he rip the horrors of the Black house from its foundation and send it spinning across the state? Shouldn’t he use some of that biblical anger to save Sirius?

But his prayers were never answered, and the house was still standing. If God was real, he was one evil son of a bitch.

Now, Remus was looking at him. And Sirius knew he’d missed the point. He knew Remus wanted another answer. He wanted Sirius to say he didn’t care for the acceptance of Stillcreek but even after all these years, that rejection stung. He didn’t think he knew how to fix it.

“If you need to get out of Stillcreek then do, you don’t have to stay here, Sirius. You didn’t need to come back.”

That stung. Even though Sirius knew he’d brought Remus’ response upon himself. He could have said anything else, but he never could stop cursing Stillcreek’s name.

“I should go,” Sirius said flatly. “James will have figured out I’m here by now.”

Sirius didn’t know what would happen if James and Regulus came face to face. He was both curious and thought he’d be sick if he knew.

When Sirius had asked Regulus if James loved him, there was something in his voice. Regulus’ answer had pin-ponged around in Sirius’ head all night.

“The best he could, I think.”

There was something bitter there, and worst of all, resigned. It reminded Sirius of the letter, the apology.

Not only had James gotten an apology, but Sirius was pretty sure Regulus forgave James for whatever had happened. He was still bitter, he may even have hated James, but Regulus loved him enough to forgive him.

Regulus forgave James, but not Sirius.

No, no, no. Sirius needed to leave. If he had to see the two of them interact he’d bash their heads together, he was sure.

“Do you want to shower before you leave?” Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head. “I’m okay.”

“Alright…” Remus shifted, letting out a slow exhale. “I- I’ll leave you to change,” he murmured before crossing the room and pulling open the door. He hesitated on the threshold like he wanted to say something more, but after a moment, seemed to decide against it.

Remus closed to door with a snap.

Sirius was left to wish he could learn to feel something other than anger.

Regulus

__

Regulus liked his life a certain way.

He’d worked hard to have any semblance of peace, of steadiness.

And of course, here James Potter was, ready to ruin it all. The worst part was Regulus was afraid he would let him. That if James asked, Regulus would crack open his chest and offer up his insides.

He was tired of feeling like he was being turned inside out every time he met James’ eyes. He was tired of being all the things he swore he’d never be again. It scared him, that this could, and would never change. That James would always take one look at Regulus and see right through him.

When the doorbell rang, he groaned and headed towards the door. The con of owning a business in such a small town is that people knew where to find him. If one of his employees took up an attitude with a customer, it didn’t matter if Regulus was off-duty or not, that customer could march right up to his door to complain.

Regulus thrust open his front door only to freeze as he came face-to-face with James fucking Potter. Because Regulus apparently, could not escape him.

“Uh- hi,” James said hesitantly. “Sorry… I’m looking for Sirius.”

“Why do you think he’d be here?” Regulus snapped, and he didn’t know why his first instinct was to protect his brother. Even after all this time, even when Regulus owed Sirius nothing. He didn’t even know why Sirius was there.

“I know he is,” James said simply. “I know him.”

Regulus didn’t know what to say to that, and he just crossed his arms. He wished he could protect his heart, but it was long past such foolish measures.

“Well go away. He can come find you when he wants to.”

James bit at his lip. He looked apologetic as he shook his head. “I don’t mean to bug you, I just need Sirius. I need to take him home. I don’t want him to…”

“To what?” Regulus asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“To do anything he’ll regret,” James said quietly.

Regulus scoffed. James had always babied Sirius. He was an adult, if he did something he’d regret, that wasn’t James’ problem.

That was something they’d always argued over when they’d been together.

James was always sticking out his neck for Sirius, dropping everything to clean up after him. It irked Regulus. Sirius’ actions were Sirius’ fault, and he’d never learn if James kept letting him get away with it.

“Do you ever stop covering his ass?” Regulus snapped.

James paused. There it was, the old flash of agitation Regulus knew well. It was hard to get James to outwardly show his anger, especially if it wasn’t aided by alcohol. But Regulus had always been very skilled at it. That was probably his own special fucked up addiction, getting James Potter to break.

“It’s called having each other’s backs,” James countered, voice suddenly cool.

“Really? And he has yours?”

“For your information, he does. Sirius has always been there for me,” James said sharply. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand, seeing as you’re not one to ever stand your ground.”

Regulus bristled, spine straightening as he cut James a sharp glare.

“I missed you too,” James had said the night before.

Yeah, probably the same way he missed alcohol. The same way he missed rock bottom. There was familiarity in pain.

Regulus’ reply was cut off by the sound of footsteps behind him and suddenly Sirius was pushing past Regulus onto the porch, gaze stormy as he looked between them. Remus was not far behind, stopping behind Regulus as he took in the scene.

“Everything alright here?” Sirius asked in a bitter way, that told Regulus he didn’t really care. He was just poking a sleeping bear.

James grimaced. “Everything is fine—”

Regulus didn’t let James finish, something ugly and rearing for a fight rising inside his throat. “If you’re going to call me a coward, Potter, don’t shy away from it. Go ahead, say it to my face.”

There was a suffocating silence.

Regulus could tell James was trying not to snap back, he didn’t want to do it in front of Sirius and Remus, but once again, Regulus knew how to push James’ buttons.

James failed.

“I think you’re a coward, Regulus. And don’t you fucking call me Potter.”

Regulus laughed, the sound humorless and bitter. “Oh good, you finally grew some balls. It was about time. And I can call you whatever I want. I don’t owe you anything—”

“You owe me enough that I bet you can’t sleep at night over it,” James said his voice razor-sharp.

“Oh, James,” Regulus said mockingly. “You’re confusing yourself with me. You owe me. Does that keep you up? Do you toss and turn over your guilt? What happened to you missing me? You seemed so sure of it last night.”

“I guess I forgot how much of a douchebag you are,” James scoffed. “Thanks for reminding me, I won’t make that mistake again just because you put on your little sad face and try to get under my skin.”

“I don’t need to try.”

“What the hell do you mean last night,” Sirius interrupted, his dark gaze flicking between the two of them before he rounded on James. “Is that where you went? To see him?”

James shook his head, suddenly seeming to remember the situation. “No, no, Sirius,” he said quickly. “It wasn’t on purpose. I- it was just chance. And you’re the one who came here—”

“I came here with Remus. And either way, Regulus is my brother, you were screwing him.”

There was a distinct pause. James stiffened; Regulus scoffed.

“Wait, what?” Remus questioned, his eyes widening. “What do you mean?”

Right. Shit. Remus had no idea. Regulus didn’t know how Sirius even knew, but it’d been clear last night that he did. But Remus? Regulus had always been careful not to talk about it.

Neither Regulus nor James was quick to answer, and Sirius’ mouth twisted into an ugly smile.

“Oh, yeah, I guess Reggie never had the guts to tell you, but apparently James and Regulus used to fuck each other. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Regulus wasn’t used to seeing Remus genuinely shocked, but now, his eyes widened in surprise. “You what?” he asked, clearly not expecting this turn of events.

“Oh yes,” Sirius laughed hollowly. “You can imagine my shock when I discovered yesterday that James has apparently been keeping this a secret for years.”

“I—” James looked suddenly small, and it didn’t feel good anymore. Regulus wanted to make James angry, to see his stupid James Potter mask slip. Not this.

Regulus had desires. He had selfish, sinful desires. Things that kept him up at night, that had him checking over his shoulder for fear that they were written all over him.

James had desires too, but he always seemed much better at keeping them in check. Maybe it was that he didn’t feel as guilty over them. Maybe it was because he’d never felt the need to get down on his knees and pray to God for forgiveness over them.

Regulus didn’t think James felt guilt over his desires exactly, they just weren’t attainable.

James yearned.

He needed to be loved like a starving man needed food. It was all he thought about, all he dreamed of. There was an unimaginable hole in his chest, and he was willing to do anything to fill it.

And James couldn’t handle half-hearted attempts. That was even worse. It was a mockery, taunting him with something he couldn’t have. James didn’t want a little, he wanted it all. A single star wouldn’t do, he needed the whole damn sky. He needed to drag heaven down to his fingertips and even then, Regulus didn’t think it would be good enough.

In the silence of James’ failed sentence, their eyes met.

I know you, Regulus wanted to scream. I know you better than anyone else. I know you’re hungry and you want someone to be just as hungry for you. You’re screaming, begging, starving for it.

I know you, I know you, I know you. Do not do me the disservice of pretending I don’t.

You wanted to be known so I did, and it still wasn’t enough. You’re terrified it’ll never be enough. That no amount of love or drugs or alcohol or money will ever be good enough. You’ll still feel like you’re missing something.

Something flickered in the sun-kissed brown of James’ eyes. Something haunted, pleading, as he looked away from Regulus, eyes going to Sirius instead.

You’re trying, and you just want someone to tell you it’s good enough. But that will not be me.

I will never give another hopeless attempt to satiate you, because I know you are not capable of being satiated. You are hungry, and I am not going to starve alongside you.

“I think you should both leave,” Regulus said flatly. Forcing himself to look away from James. “I don’t see the point in talking around circles, the past is the past.”

It was Remus who spoke. There was something in his demeanor, like maybe he knew something none of them did.

“I’m not so sure any of this is the past anymore. If it was the past, we wouldn’t be standing here right now.”

The past had claws.

Regulus felt them, tearing at his skin, trying to grab on. He shook it off.

Something lingered, a fist around his heart. Regulus wasn’t sure whose hand it was.

He hoped this feeling was something he could sleep off.

“Just go,” Regulus bit out. He turned around, pushing past Remus and into the house.

He didn’t wait to see if Sirius and James would leave.

What a shameful mess the four of them had made.

Chapter Text

I need something bigger than the sky

Hold it in my arms and know it's mine

Just how many stars will I need to hang around me

To finally call it Heaven?

James

__

“What is love to you?”

James blinked.

Sirius hadn’t spoken a word to him since leaving the Black’s old house.

Lily had finally sent them into town for groceries, a clear attempt to get them to talk. James hadn’t thought it would work. He dared to look away from the road for a moment. Sirius was staring out the window, not meeting James’ eye. But he had spoken, James knew he hadn’t imagined it.

James looked away. There were crosses on the side of the road, a mark of a tragedy no one remembered anymore. James watched them pass in the blur of the scenery.

Someone had loved them enough to leave a marker there. Someone had crafted that cross, decorated it, or used their hard-earned money to pay for it. They’d pulled their car to the side of this long road without a building in sight, knelt in the dirt, and mourned someone here. And now, the cross was faded, the artificial flowers long claimed by the elements. Now it was weathered and anyone who remembered the tragedy wasn’t here any longer.

James swallowed. He was glad he wasn’t a wooden cross on the side of the road.  

“What do you mean?” he asked.

Sirius didn’t turn his head; he was still staring out the window.

“I’m just trying to figure it out,” Sirius muttered.

James swallowed. “Regulus?” he dared to ask, mouth dry.

“Regulus,” Sirius repeated.

James nodded even though Sirius wasn’t looking. “You can ask me questions. You never gave me even a chance to explain before you left—”

“Would you?” Sirius snapped. “Would you explain, even if I asked? You kept it a secret for years, so forgive me for assuming you wouldn’t.”

“You can ask,” was all James said, his voice quiet.

For a moment, there was only the sound of the car. The radio was off, the wind was blowing outside.

“How?” Sirius said finally. “How did it happen?”

“I—” James took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “By accident.” He paused. “No,” he quickly contradicted himself. “No, sorry. It wasn’t an accident, just unexpected.” Sirius didn’t say anything, waiting for James to continue and he tried desperately to gather the words. “I never really noticed him. We were friends, of course. But not like I was friends with you, Remus, or Pete— I… I mean not like I was with the rest of you. He was always your little brother, the kid following us around. Then, in ’96, I think… I just noticed. For the first time I guess.”

“In ’96,” Sirius repeated. “That’s when you got closer.”

“Yeah,” James replied quietly. “It was. I just started paying more attention, and I realized he’d wanted me to. I never really considered that before then—that Regulus might even care. But he did… and I- I don’t know… things changed. We started spending more time together.”

“And you fell in love with him,” Sirius concluded.

James didn’t know how to explain that ‘fell in love’ did not suffice to explain the burning wreck that was Regulus and James. It wasn’t big enough; it didn’t cover it.

“Yes,” James said instead of even trying to explain. It wasn’t like it mattered now. James couldn’t defend himself against a love he’d let rot.

“You know,” Sirius began, his voice too emotionless. “I asked Regulus if you’d loved him, and he said you did the best you could. I don’t know what that means.”

James’ hand tightened around the wheel at that, knuckles going white before he forced himself to relax. “Did he,” James muttered unable to stop the bitterness from seeping into his voice.

That caused Sirius to look. James saw his friend’s head turn in his peripheral vision, but he kept his eyes trained straight ahead.

“You disagree?”

“No… I did. I tried. But he conveniently left out the part where he didn’t allow himself to be loved.”

“Sounds like Regulus,” Sirius said flatly.

James scoffed, shaking his head. “I know what you really want to ask. Why I never told you, why I kept it a secret? You have to understand, it wasn’t supposed to be, not forever. But then everything fell apart—with all of us—and I was ashamed. But not as ashamed as Regulus, not even God could bare his guilt. I… I was drinking at the time, you remember. I wasn’t well, and I wasn’t always good to him. But out of all my crimes, the worst thing I ever did to Regulus Black was love him. That’s why I never told you. Not just because I accidentally kept the secret so long it felt too late. Not because you and Regulus were estranged. Not because I knew you’d be angry I kept it from you. No, the real reason I never told you is because I boiled down into nothing more than one of Regulus’ sins. Because I would have given him everything, and I was nothing more than the weight of his guilt. You have no idea how stupid that makes me feel. I’m embarrassed. Too embarrassed to even think about bringing it up to you and then… then I thought maybe I could just bury it, pretend it never happened.”

“Things don’t like to stay buried,” Sirius muttered, his voice dark.

“No,” James said. “Apparently they don’t.” A pause. James inhaled deeply. “I don’t expect you to just forgive me. I’m not asking you to… I want you to know that it was never anything about you that stopped me from telling you. You know Regulus, Pads. I figured you’d think I was an idiot for thinking he could been different.”

When Sirius spoke, he didn’t sound angry, just resigned despite his scoff. “I’m the only person who would have got it. I wanted Regulus to be different too.”

A silence settled between them. James just nodded, tongue heavy in his mouth.

God, he needed a cigarette, but he couldn’t when Sirius was around.

“Regulus said he loved you.”

James wasn’t sure if Sirius was asking a question, or just poking to see what James would say.

“I know,” James said simply.

“You know?”

“Yeah, that was never the problem. Love was just… not enough. Not even close to enough.”

“Not enough to erase Hell,” Sirius said bitterly. “Fucking stupid, it is. If God is really so full of love, and he loves every single one of us, why would he send someone to Hell for it? Stupid rhetoric.”

James nodded numbly. Stupid indeed, but not to Regulus. Never to Regulus.

“I’ve made my peace,” James said quietly. “He won’t be changed, and he hates anyone who tries.”

“So that’s it? There’s nothing going on between you two?”

James froze at that. “Now?” he asked incredulously. “No, Sirius, there’s nothing going on now. That was the past.”

“But you saw him the other night,” Sirius said stiffly.

“I told you,” James said quickly. “That wasn’t on purpose. We just wound up in the same place.”

“Okay…” Sirius said slowly. James wondered if Sirius believed him. “What did you talk about? What did he say to you?”

“He… he said he missed me sometimes.”

That seemed to surprise Sirius and he straightened. “He said that? Really?”

“Yeah, to be fair I’m not so sure he meant for it to come out. But he said it; that he blames me, he hates me. He misses me…” James shook his head bitterly. “Or maybe not, maybe he misses having one place where he didn’t have to pretend. Maybe he misses being loved.”

James missed Regulus, but he wasn’t sure the person he was missing had ever really existed. It’d felt like he was so close to it that night in the woods… but maybe James had fooled himself. He was good at that.

The worst part was given the chance, James would take it. If he wasn’t sure that door was firmly closed between them, he might get down on his knees and accept any scrap Regulus Black was willing to give him. Even now, even after all these years.

He was pretty sure first loves weren’t supposed to be like that. You were supposed to become an adult, look back, and laugh over how naïve it was to think the world boiled down to that.

But it did.

James’ world could be torn down, burned to the ground, and in the ashes, the words would still be found: Regulus Black.

Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.

“You really loved him,” Sirius said, his voice tight. “I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know if it makes it better or worse.”

“I don’t think it does either. It’s just a fact. It’s just something that was.”

“…Alright,” Sirius took a deep breath. “But I’m still angry with you for keeping it from me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Sirius didn’t say okay, but James hoped eventually it would be.

__

James smoked in the backyard.

The lights were on inside, Lily and Sirius probably knew he smoked, but he pretended they didn’t.

He smoked, and he remembered tasting it out of Regulus’ mouth. He remembered it burning in the back of his throat, exactly the same as it did now. James still smoked the same brand. He could afford something better now, but he didn’t bother. Because when James smoked, he smoked to remember.

“What do you think comes after this?” James remembered asking, sitting at Regulus’ side in the winter chill. Sixteen, the whole world stretching out in front of him, but he never quite felt like he could reach it.

“After what?”

“Here,” James waved a hand at the woods around him. His feet brushed the ground as he sat on the hood of the old car, Regulus’ didn’t. He’d always been shorter. “Stillcreek, now, high school. Do you think you’ll go to college?”

“Probably not. I don’t need a degree to help my parents with the gas station.”

“But… do you want to?”

Regulus blinked, turning his head to study James. There was something heavy in his gaze, far too old for fifteen. “Can I tell you a secret?” Regulus asked, his voice low even though they were alone.

“Course, what is it?”

“I—” Regulus hesitated, his eyes focusing on a spot over James’ shoulder rather than meeting his eyes. “I’m not sure I’ve ever really wanted anything. I don’t have… dreams. I’m just here, you know?” Then again, more softly. “I’m just here.”

“I like you being here,” James nudged him. Reaching his foot out to hook their ankles together.

“You would,” Regulus rolled his eyes. James’ words weren’t enough to soften whatever was eating away behind Regulus’ eyes, but it was something. Regulus scooted a little closer so their thighs were pressed together. James could feel the heat of Regulus’ skin through his jeans. “But don’t you think I should want something? Something else? Something bigger?”

“No,” James shrugged. “That’s for the movies. They need to want all these things for the plot. But this is just life, ain’t it? There’s no plot. We’re all just here.”

“Mhm, I think some people get a plot,” Regulus murmured. “People like Sirius. Probably like you.”

James shook his head. “If there’s a plot to my life, I’m not sure I like it very much.”

“Who does?” Regulus snagged the cigarette out of James’ hand, taking a long drag. James just watched the smoke billow out into the air in front of them. “That’s probably the point. All the bad stuff happens before it resolves, and in the end, it was all for the best and you get happily ever after.”

James frowned. “I wonder if change feels like dying to those people in the movies.”

“They’re just movies,” Regulus said simply, passing the cigarette back. “They don’t feel anything, they’re not real.”

When James watched movies, the characters felt real. He felt like he knew them, and they must have been afraid too. He knew Regulus didn’t see it like that, so James didn’t contradict him.

James blinked. He put his cigarette to his lips, inhaling. Keeping the smoke in his lungs for a moment before breathing out. He used to pretend sometimes that Regulus had just passed that cigarette back, that he was standing somewhere behind James.

James didn’t pretend now.

What was the point? Regulus was here, but he was not James’. If he could go back and do it all again… James wasn’t even sure what he’d change. He didn’t think there was anything he could change, but he’d give anything to have Regulus at his side again. To just touch him one more time.

James put the cigarette out under his heel. He headed back towards the warm light of his childhood home and wished he knew how to get rid of the feeling of being forever sixteen.

Regulus

__

“So… James Potter?”

Regulus had wondered when they were going to breach this subject.

“What about him?” Regulus muttered, turning away from Remus to stir the pot on the stove.

“You know what,” Remus said quietly. “You and him? I knew something happened, but I’ll be honest that wasn’t my guess. I didn’t even know James was… gay.”

“He’s not,” Regulus said sharply. “He’s not. He likes girls. He has a son, the woman—the redhead, she’s probably his girlfriend or wife…”

“He doesn’t wear a ring.”

“Some people don’t.”

Remus was quiet for a moment, and Regulus didn’t turn his back to look at his friend.

“You could have told me,” Remus said finally. “Talked to me about it.”

Regulus spun suddenly, crossing his arms as he glared at where Remus was sitting at the dining room table.

“And you could have talked to me about Sirius, but you didn’t, and you won’t.”

Remus stiffened, jaw clenching as he sat up straighter. “Nothing ever happened between me and Sirius.”

“But you wanted it to.”

“Yeah, and you knew that, Reg. You’ve always known that. Peter and James knew it too. Even Sirius knew. It wasn’t a secret. And it’s always been clear between you and me that the past wasn’t something to bring up. You didn’t want to talk about Sirius either.”

Regulus just continued to glare, and after a tense moment, Remus sighed.

“Look,” Remus said, his voice suddenly softer. “I’m not blaming you or trying to fight, Reg. I’m just wondering… about it, about all of it. I’m a tad shocked, to be honest with you. I never really…” he trailed off, clearly thinking hard. “Oh,” Remus said suddenly. “Never mind. I was going to say that you and James didn’t make any sense to me but… the more I think about the more it makes perfect sense.”

Regulus paused, surprised by the words. “I- what do you mean?”

“I mean, he was always watching you, wasn’t he? I never paid it much mind, but every time you walked into a room you were all James looked at. And you almost never looked, and that was purposeful, wasn’t it?”

Regulus just shokm his head. “I don’t want to talk about James.”

“He really, broke your heart, huh?”

“No,” Regulus but out. “No, for your information, I ended things.”

“Doesn’t mean he didn’t still break your heart.”

Silence followed Remus’ words. It was probably true. James loving Regulus in the first place had been the real heartbreak. James loved Regulus, but he’d been filled with such a pit in his chest, Regulus didn’t know how any of it even got through. Did James ever really feel it? Or was he too busy drowning his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle?

“Seriously, Remus, can we not talk about this? Now you know. Yes, it happened, it ended, it is what it is.”

“Okay,” Remus said quietly. There was another pause in the conversation and Regulus thought that was that. He was about to turn back to the stove when Remus spoke again, his voice strangely timid. “I have to tell you something.”

Regulus froze. “What?” he asked suspiciously.

Remus looked down at his hands, studying his fingers for a second before he looked up again. “I- so you know how I said that nothing happened between me and Sirius.

“…Yes,” Regulus said slowly, crossing his arms as he watched Remus swallow.

“It wasn’t entirely true,” Remus said, his voice barely a whisper. “I uh- I kissed him… recently.”

“Recently?”

“He came to the diner,” Remus said hoarsely. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, I don’t know how it happened, but it did. I won’t let it happen again. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you, actually. I just wasn’t sure the right way to, but I figure there’s no right way. I’m sorry.”

Regulus shook his head. For a second, he just stood there processing. “Don’t apologize to me,” he said quietly. “The person you’re hurting most is yourself.”

Remus looked relieved when he realized Regulus wasn’t angry. “You’re not mad?” he asked hesitantly.

“No… but you can’t— you shouldn’t do it again. Sirius will leave, Remus. He will go back to whatever he does in fucking New York, and he’ll leave you here in Stillcreek. He hates it here, and that will never change. He won’t stay, you can’t make him stay, and you can’t do anything long distance… even if you managed to get past all the shit between you. You’re not stupid, Rem. Don’t let Sirius make you stupid.”   

Remus nodded. “I know,” he said softly. “Lord, I know… it’s just not fair. We could… we could be something if things were different. We could be really happy, but we can’t. because I was born to be here, and he was born to leave. And maybe we were born to love each other too, but not to be together. I tried to leave once, and I came back so… I know. I won’t make that mistake again.”

Regulus frowned. “You’ve never really explained why you came back,” he said, his voice low.

Remus shrugged at that. “My mom got sick.”

“You came back before that.”

Not a lot of people knew that, but Regulus did. Regulus was there, the only one waiting for Remus when he returned.

Remus hesitated, pinching the bridge of his nose. Regulus knew how tired Remus was, he felt the same. It was exhausting, to be so young that you still felt like a child, but old enough the be The Adult. They had a home, kids, and businesses to take care of, yet they were both not even halfway to thirty. That wasn’t fair either. Regulus wasn’t sure they had ever really gotten to be children.

“I don’t know… I guess I got caught up in this idealized version of the world, you know? Like everything would be so big and bright outside of Stillcreek. When I left, it wasn’t like I thought it’d be. I’ve lived here my entire life. It’s what I knew. And I could have the world, you know? But the closer I got to it, the more I realized I didn’t want it. First semester of college, and I remember I was thinking about joining the fucking Air Force. I thought if it was fate, they’d station me at Tinker and then I’d know that I was supposed to stay in Oklahoma. Then I realized how fucking crazy that was. Why would I drop out of school and join the Air Force on the off chance sent back to Oklahoma when I could just go back? It was a pride thing, I wanted to want more. But I was pretty disenchanted with it all. So I swallowed my pride and I came back home.”

“You ever regretted it?”

“Not once,” Remus said firmly.

“Okay…” Regulus was all said, because he didn’t think there was anything more to say.

“What about you?”

Regulus frowned. “What about me?” he questioned.

“You’ve never left Stillcreek, not even once. Don’t you want to?”

“No,” Regulus replied instantly. “If I left, I don’t think I’d ever come back.”

Remus cocked his head, surveying Regulus with an intense gaze. “That scares you?”

“I’m okay with my life. I don’t want more… but if I saw it, if I thought I could have it… I might want something else. But I have more than just roots here, they’re damn chains. I have the gas station, I have this house, and you, Cassie, Pandora, Luna… I’m content never experiencing what else the world has to offer. I’ve never even gone to college, Rem. Even if I wanted to leave, how would I get a job? Where would I go? I’ve never wanted anything more, and I don’t want to open myself up to it.”

“Desire scares you,” Remus said simply.

Regulus scoffed. “Of course, it does. Desire has never brought a man anything good.”

“There’s probably poets who would beg to differ.”

“Fuck the poets. They all died, didn’t they?”

“You’ll die too.”

“Then I’ll die in the same place my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents did. Life is fine, why overcomplicate it?”

A pause. Remus bit at the inside of his cheek. “Alright. I’m not saying you should leave, I’m the last person to say that. But desire isn’t inherently a bad thing. Why would God have given it to us if it were?”

“Because it’s a test,” Regulus said immediately. “It’s a test to see who can resist, and who can’t.”

Remus just shook his head. “We believe in very different gods, Regulus. There are good desires and bad desires. The desire to love someone isn’t a bad thing.”

Regulus scoffed. “Don’t preach your gayness is okay talk at me. That isn’t what this is about.”

“Is that why you broke up with James?” Remus asked, undeterred. “Because he’s a man?”

Regulus felt his mouth twist into a bitter scowl. “Believe it or not, that wasn’t the last straw. It should have been. I never should have let it happen, and God punished me for it. James and I were awful. We were never really happy. Nothing good came from it and I regret it all. I was young and stupid. I thought maybe, just maybe I could have this one thing, but I was wrong.”

“I don’t think God punished you,” Remus said softly. “Sometimes things just hurt.”

“Well, I’m tired of hurting,” Regulus snapped. “I’ve been hurting my whole fucking life.”

 Remus clearly wasn’t ready to let this go. “You know you can believe in God and believe being gay isn’t a sin?”

“You’re Jewish, it’s different for you.”

“The first half of your bible comes from the Torah,” Remus said simply. “We have more in common than you think. If you ever figure out how to get past your self-hatred, we could have an actual conversation about this but I won’t bother tonight.”

“Fine,” Regulus bit out. “I don’t want to have this conversation ever. I don’t want to ever leave Stillcreek. I don’t want to talk about James again. Let’s just let this go.”

“Fine.” There was a heavy silence. Regulus didn’t know if he’d offended Remus. He was so hard to read sometimes. “The soup is going to boil over,” Remus said after a moment. He didn’t seem mad, and sighing, Regulus turned back to the stove.

He turned down the burner and watched the blue of the flame beneath the pot.

Regulus wasn’t sure if he was really tired of hurting because he had the strangest urge to shove his hand into the flame.

Chapter Text

It's like 2 a.m. and the bars all close at ten in hell, it's a rule I made

Anyway, you say you're too busy saving everybody else to save yourself

And you don't want no help, oh well"

That's the story to tell

Lily

__

It was a strange thing to be an outsider in Stillcreek. It was a place that clearly wasn’t used to newcomers. It was clear that Stillcreek was somewhere people lived from birth to death.

Sirius never talked about Stillcreek, but James did sometimes. An offhand mention, usually relating to his parents, and never very detailed.

Lily was a part of the small group of people born and raised in New York City. She knew what it was like to live in one place your entire life, but she was not prepared for Stillcreek. Everyone seemed awfully standoffish and unwilling to welcome anyone unknown to town, despite the smiles and southern charm they put on. It was just a tad scary.

But Lily was a grown woman, thank you very much. So she decided to conquer her fear and volunteered to run some errands… on her own.  

Sirius and James seemed to be on slightly better footing since their drive the day before, and truthfully, Lily wanted to leave them to spend more time together. She didn’t know what was going on, and frankly, she didn’t plan to ask until one of them offered up that information. She wasn’t privy to any of the past that had everyone so tangled up, and she vowed not to get involved.

Lily could admit, she was nosy. She wanted to know, but she also didn’t want to insert herself in the middle of anything. It had nothing to do with her, and her presence would surely only make things worse.

Lily went to the post office and picked up a few supplies for the house. Her last stop was getting gas before she drove back. She stopped at the gas station, bell jingling feebly as she stepped through the doors. There was already a customer at the counter, so Lily decided to grab a drink. When she got to the counter, drink in hand she paused.

It was Regulus, Sirius’ brother.

She didn’t know what the deal was with them either, aside from the fact that Sirius had a difficult childhood, and no doubt Regulus had  too.

“Hi,” she smiled as he set the drink on the counter. “Regulus, right?”

He hesitated as he seemed to recognize her, eyes flashing with something before he quickly hid it away. Regulus was nothing like Sirius. There was something much sharper, cooler and restrained  in him.

“I’m Lily,” she introduced herself.

“I’ve heard,” was all he said after a moment.

“Well,” she said, undeterred despite his clear desire not to talk. Maybe they could become friends? Maybe some bridges between the Black brothers could be mended. Lily at least wasn’t going to make an enemy of Regulus. “This and twenty on pump one please.” She slid the cash across the counter, and he took it from her silently.

Lily decided to give one last shot at being friendly as he was counting out the cash.

“So, how old is your son?”

He froze suddenly, head shooting up. “Why?” he asked suspiciously.

“Oh,” she waved a hand quickly. “I’m not trying to interrogate you, I was just wondering. I have a son too, Harry. He’s three.”

Regulus blinked. “You have a son with James,” he said. It wasn’t really a question, but Lily nodded anyway.

“Hm I do, he’s a good man.”

To Lily’s surprise, Regulus scoffed at that. “Sure,” he said clearly sarcastic. “eighty-five cents is your change, have a good one.”

It was a clear dismissal and Lily paused for a second, thrown off. No one Lily had ever known had thought James wasn’t a good man. Sure he’d made mistakes, he’d hurt people, but in his heart, he was still good. Everyone fucked up sometimes, and he was trying these days. Lily had seen James make mistakes, but they were hardly malicious. He was a flawed human being just like all of them.

Lily wondered for the first time if Sirius hadn’t been the only one to hurt Regulus.

“I- thank you,” Lily said suddenly, remembering her manner. “Have a good day.”

When she got back to the house, it was quiet. Sirius was at the table eating a ‘dinner’ that consisted of breakfast foods. “James is in the attic,” he said through a mouthful of cereal when Lily asked.

Sure enough, when Lily climbed the ladder, hauling herself into the old attic, James was sitting cross-legged on the floor, sorting through a box.

“Hey,” she greeted as she plopped down next to him.

“Hey, Lils,” he said absently, opening a photo album and brushing the dust away. Lily leaned over to peer over his shoulder.

The first picture was of Sirius, James, and Regulus, all children, eyes bright. James and Sirius were smiling widely, but Regulus had his arms crossed in a frown while Sirius tried to squish his cheeks.

“That’s cute,” Lily remarked.

James blinked, turning to look at her like he’d forgotten she was there. “Oh, yeah,” he said softly, before quickly snapping the book closed and tossing it on the floor to continue through the box. “This is all my stuff I guess,” James murmured. “Don’t remember bringing it up here, but I guess I must’ve run out of room in my closet.”

As James continued to rummage through the box, he tossed another photo album on the floor next to the first. He didn’t open it, instead pulling out a small box of various trinkets. Lily reached out, not thinking much of it as she opened the second photobook.

To James, happy 16^th

You can finally have the stupid pictures you wanted so badly.

-Regulus

Lily paused on note on the inside of the cover, eyes going to the first picture. It was of James, head thrown back laughing, his smile brighter than Lily ever remembered seeing it. He was reaching out to hold the photographer’s hand—no Regulus’ hand. Lily knew who it was, despite not seeing the person’s face. Lily straightened as she felt something suddenly click into place.

“James.”

He jerked his head, up, pausing as he realized what she had in her hands.

“Oh…” was all he said.

“Regulus?” Lily questioned.

“What about him?” James muttered, but they both knew Lily had already connected the dots.

“He’s your ex,” she said shaking her head. It made so much sense, the way he’d scornfully said James’ name. The look on his face when she’d said she had a baby with James. Regulus was James’ ex.

“I- yeah,” James admitted, looking a little ashamed as he met Lily’s eye. “I’m sorry I never told you before I know I should—”

“James,” she interrupted. “Don’t apologize. I’m not angry, just a bit surprised to be entirely honest. I didn’t know you liked men, it’s just a little shocking since you know that I swing both ways and I’ve always been open about it. You could have told me.”

“Oh, Lils,” James said softly, looking suddenly fond, despite a lingering sadness in his eyes. “It’s not that I didn’t think you’d accept me or that I didn’t trust you. It’s… Regulus is something I’d rather not rehash. I’m still not sure I ever recovered from the end of our relationship, and I don’t know if I ever will. It was a fucking trainwreck and it was easier for me to pretend it hadn’t happened at all.”

Lily nodded, reaching out to squeeze James’ shoulder. “I understand,” she said softly. “I guess I just can’t believe I didn’t connect the dots before now.” A pause. “Does Sirius know?”

James grimaced at that. “He just found out,” he said guiltily. “That’s why we’ve been fighting actually.”

“Oh,” Lily said, understanding suddenly. “He disapproves?”

“I-I don’t know exactly how he feels about me and Regulus, though I’m not so sure it matters, seeing as we’re not together and will never be again. What he has a problem with is me keeping it from him for so long, I think. And the fact that I’m his best friend and Regulus is brother. There was always a lot between all of us. It’s a lot bigger than disapproval. He probably resents Regulus. Sirius resents me for understanding Regulus too, for knowing him that deeply when he lost his brother and still probably can’t understand him. There’s just too much pain and history and shit between all of us and I thought in the past we could just move forward with our lives but… it just keeps coming back and I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do with that.”

“Face it?” Lily suggested tentatively.

“But how? I know Sirius and Regulus need to reconcile one day, it’ll kill them both if they never do, but what about me? I can’t bring back up any of my history with Regulus.”

“There’s nothing left to say?”

“No there is,” James said flatly. “There’s plenty to say, but nothing productive. Nothing that will make anything better, actually I think talking would make it so much worse. It’d just bring up all the bad things we never got over and the problems we still can’t solve. Years may have passed, but nothing has changed, not really. Things don’t change around here, it’s Stillcreek.”

There it was again, Stillcreek. Sirius and James both said it like it was more than just the name of the town. Like it meant something bigger, worse, more.

Lily wanted to ask, but she bit her tongue. She wasn’t sure James even could explain. Maybe that was something you could only understand if you grew up there.

James

__

James could hear his mother in his ear.

“Something’s got to give,” she always said. Because that was how it went. Everything piled up and up and up, and eventually it’d crack. “Sooner rather than later. It’ll happen no matter what, just get it over with.”

Something’s got to give, that’s what James felt now. Tension building, an anger so deep and old in his bones he was sure it came before him. Maybe from his ancestors and their blood that had been spilled. The soil of Oklahoma they came from.

Lately, James had been feeling guilty.

Not that he usually didn’t. James had a lot of things to feel guilty about. He’d made a lot of mistakes in his life, and done things that he wasn’t proud of, but for once… it was Stillcreek itself that was getting to him. Not the people here, not the ghosts of the things he’d done. Just Stillcreek. The place his parents had always loved despite its faults. They moved because Effie was sick and they needed the best doctors they could get, and there was a specialist in New York that they thought would be their golden ticket.

For a while it’d seemed like maybe it was. Effie got better; life looked up. Effie and Monty Potter always planned to go back to Stillcreek.

Then, one day, when James was nineteen, Monty had a heart attack. It was sudden, a shock to everyone.

James had always thought of his father as impossible to drag down, untouchable. Despite his older age, he was always strong. He was the kind of man who worked hard every day and never complained. He always had a smile on his face and a joke on his lips.

James remembered going into the hospital and being unable to cross through the threshold.

“James,” Effie had pleaded when James stopped in the doorway. “You will never forgive yourself if you don’t walk through this door and see your father.”

That was the moment when James realized his father was going to die, and his mother knew it.

James had listened, because Effie Potter always knew best. There, lying in the bed, face white, long hair grey, was Monty Potter. He no longer seemed like the bigger than life man James had always known. He’d been faced with his parent’s mortality before, but something in him was so hopeful and naïve. Effie had lived, despite all the moments when James feared she wouldn’t. He’d grown comfortable with the idea that the world just couldn’t take his parents from him.

He was wrong.

Monty died a few days later. He never woke up. He never smiled or laughed again. And James’ last memory was of his father, lying in that bed, a shell of the man James knew him as.

His mother was probably right, James never would have forgiven himself if he hadn’t sat at his father’s bedside and held his hand one last time. But often, he wished he hadn’t. he wished he could remember his father as the man he’d lived as, not the one lying weak and dying in that hospital bed.

After that, James went off the rails.

A sick twisted part of himself was glad that his mother got sick again after that. There wasn’t much of a world for Effie without Monty. And James was glad she was too out of it to ever properly register what James had become.

Or maybe she knew. Maybe she knew and had the grace to pretend she didn’t. James wasn’t sure which thought made him sicker.

He’d thought himself so very like his father. He felt invincible, undefeatable. Like nothing mattered. James could never die.

It wasn’t true. How far and how easily he fell from grace.

Sometimes he wondered if he should have been more like Regulus. Regulus, with a cross on his neck, often pinched between his middle finger and thumb. Regulus, who had nothing, but he still had a god, right?

James had tried to pray. He thought maybe that was his problem. He’d never believed in God, but maybe he existed. Maybe he’d taken James’ father away out of spite. But still, Effie died anyway.

She died, even when James got on his knees and begged to keep her. So it wasn’t God pulling the strings. If there was a god, he must be a very cruel vindictive being, full of rage and anger. How terrible to see your creation fall out of your hands. If James had carefully crafted the Earth just to watch it devolve in the harsh grip of humanity, he’d be angry too.

He was angry. That was the sort of secret James tried to keep close. Because he wanted to be just like his father. He wanted to be someone who never had to try to smile. Someone who took each horrific part of life and held it gently in his hands.

“Don’t you mind?” James had asked his father once when he was fifteen. “Doesn’t it bother you that the world looks at you differently?”

“Of course I mind,” Monty had said simply, a soft smile creasing his face. “But we can’t undo the past. All we can do is look forward, and I have hope. I am proud of who I am. You should stop letting your anger turn you inside out, stop letting what other people think of you drive you insane.”

Easier said than done. James was still angry, and both his parents were dead now.

When Lily went downstairs to leave James with his sorting of the attic, he reached for the photo album she’d dropped.   

He let the cover fall open in his lap, Regulus’ handwriting on the inside. James remembered Regulus giving him this book, the way he’d thrust it into James’ hand like the sentimentality of it all might burn him. That was always Regulus, so reluctant to let any of the love touch him, even when James was overflowing with it.

Let me love you, James used to wish he could beg. But maybe that wasn’t quite right. Because Regulus did let James love him, he’d just try to take it back. Block it out even when it’d already settled into the marrow of his bones. What a cruelty, to let James in and then hate him for it.

Slowly, practically holding his breath, James flipped through the photos. Most of them were of James. It was from the summer Regulus carried around a camera everywhere with him. He took pictures of anything he wanted, anything that made him stop and pause, things that made him feel. It was these pictures that kept James believing in the raw, harshness of Regulus’ love and humanity, even when things were hard. Because some of the pictures were of James, and some of them weren’t. Some were mundane little things. A flower growing through the cracked pavement, the creek in the woods, sun glittering off the water, a close up of the logo on the back of the Potter’s old blue truck. It wasn’t just James, it was things that reminded Regulus of James. And god, it was beautiful to see himself through Regulus’ eyes. To think that despite moving through every day living with fear and anger crawling up his throat, when Regulus Black saw the sun shining, he thought of James. And how could James let that go? How could James look away when the love between them pulled so tightly. An invisible string tied them together, and even when Regulus tried to push James away, he’d always tug him back eventually.

Forcing himself to look away from the photo album, James held out his hand in the dim light shining from the lightbulb overhead. He wasn’t sure what he expected to see there. Some mark of Regulus, a red string tied around his pinky, leading down the attic ladder and out into the world where Regulus Black was waiting. There was no string, no scars, no proof that James’ hands had ever touched Regulus.

He cradled his hand to his chest, taking a deep breath.

He remembered this box now, why it was up here instead of in his closet. James had needed to put distance between himself and Regulus, Regulus and the photo book. He couldn’t let Regulus go when he couldn’t stop thinking he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

Love was not enough.

James tried to tell himself that as he turned the page and was faced with one of the only photos of himself and Regulus.

It’d been hard to take pictures, because of course, no one could know, no one could take the pictures for them. The photo wasn’t of their faces. It was of their legs, both clad in worn denim. There was only a small space between them, and in that space, their hands were hooked together by their pinkies, the contrasting colors of Regulus’ pale skin and James’ dark shining in the daylight. Speckles of sunshine fell over their legs, disturbed by the trees overhead. They were sitting on the hood of the old car, the same place they’d always gone. That was their little secret, the one place where words didn’t have to mean as much.

James swallowed, suddenly overcome with emotion. They may have been young and naïve, but in that picture, nothing else had mattered. It was all too distant, filtered out by the trees around them.

James had just been in love and nothing else had mattered. But love was not enough.

Love is not enough. It is not enough, it is not enough. James chanted it in his head like a mantra, squeezing his eyes shut so he didn’t have to look at the picture anymore. He felt on the verge of something incredibly stupid.

He felt like the string wasn’t even tied around his finger anymore. It was like a fishhook, impaled crudely in his gut, and now somewhere out there, Regulus was tugging.

But he wasn’t. Regulus didn’t really want to see James. It didn’t matter if there was still love there, it didn’t even matter if Regulus missed him. Because Regulus had always rejected James’ love, and he didn’t think he could handle that even one more time, the shame burning in the back of his throat as Regulus turned away. Because he always turned away. It was only ever a matter of when.

Something has to give? How about it doesn’t. How about I stay here in the attic and never leave so I don’t have to see Regulus Black ever again. So I don’t have to feel the way he’s trying to pull my intestines from my body every time our eyes meet.

James needed to leave Stillcreek. He needed to get out before he got on his knees and begged Regulus to love him again, regardless of the cost and pain it’d bring.

But…

James’ parents had loved Stillcreek. This was his home, it was his family’s home, and James wasn’t like Sirius. He didn’t hate the place, he hated the things that’d happened there. He hated the way it made him feel, but Stillcreek wasn’t to pay for those crimes. It was only a place— or no, more than a place. It was James’ home. Its soil was filled with pain and tragedy, but also love and family and humanity were imprinted in the cracks in the dirt. Stillcreek was only the soil, the trees and grass. All the things the earth did on its own, without any say from them, not the things humans had made it. That’s what James wished he could make Sirius understand.

Stillcreek was his parent’s home and his grandparents and great-grandparents before him. How could he throw that all away?

He stood suddenly, a thought growing in his mind.

James clambered down the attic ladder, barely paying it any mind. He hurried downstairs, skidding to a halt in the kitchen where Sirius and Lily were talking softly.

They paused looking at James as he interrupted and for a moment, he froze.

They just looked at each other, Sirius frowned, Lily cocked her head.

“What? James—” Sirius began, and suddenly the words were coming out in a rushed mess.

“I don’t want to sell the house.”

Sirius blinked.

“Sorry what?”

James took a deep breath, trying to repeat himself, at a slower pace this time, though he was pretty sure Sirius had understood him.

“I can’t sell the house,” James said, his voice quieter.

“Why?” Lily asked. “Do—"

Sirius stepped forward, stopping her soft well-meaning question.

“What the fuck do you mean?”

“I- I mean I can’t do it!” James said in frustration.

“That’s what we’re here for,” Sirius said slowly, and James could hear the anger brewing under his words. It was an old anger. Not just over this, over everything James had ever done. Over every way they’d hurt each other.

“We’re bothers,” Sirius used to say. James as an only child, had liked that notion very much. He’d always wanted a sibling, but he never expected that being brothers, meant hurting each other like brothers too.

It meant there was always something they could argue about, and the older they got, the more it felt like they didn’t understand each other anymore.

“Yes, I know,” James said hoarsely. “Believe me, I know. But… I just can’t.”

“Why?” Sirius demanded. “Where the fuck is this coming from?”

“My parents always wanted to come back,” James insisted.

“Your parents are dead.”

There was a pause, and then before he knew it, James was on Sirius grabbing him roughly by the collar.

“Do you think I don’t fucking know that?” James hissed.

“I’m just saying what they wanted doesn’t matter—”

“It matters to me! Maybe your parents were pieces of shit who never loved you, but mine weren’t! Maybe I want to respect their wishes and I’m sorry if you can’t understand that seeing as you’ve never loved your own family—”

James had crossed a line. He knew it as soon as he said it.

James may have been the bigger of the too, but Sirius was violent, he’d grown up never living, always surviving. He reacted, he bit before he’d ever submit. Whereas Regulus was always one to pull back and try to guard his beating heart in his chest, Sirius was the one to lash out, and lash out he did. He was twisting out of James’ grasp before he could do anything, pushing James back until his legs hit the table, hard.

“Stop!” Lily yelled, but Sirius had crossed a line too by bringing up James’ parents, and there was too much shit between them to see straight.

Something’s got to give? Well, it was snapping now, shattering on the tiled kitchen floor around them.

James gasped as Sirius had him by the throat.

“Do not talk about my family. Do you hear me? I don’t care what you think you know, if you ever say a word about that again—”

“I do know!” James cut him off, eyes watering under Sirius’ grip, but a fire growing in his chest nonetheless. “I do. Do you think I haven’t been here your entire life? You don’t love them! Or do you mean Regulus? Regulus who you abandoned—”

“You abandoned Regulus too!”

“He didn’t give me a choice! I had no other option, and my mother was dying! Of course I left! But you had options, you didn’t need to leave him.”

“Do you think I could have stayed here? It would have killed me, James! Is that what you fucking want?”

“No! But you could have convinced him to come!”

Sirius let go of James so quickly one might think the contact burned.

There was still rage simmering between them but as abruptly as the yelling had begun the room fell silent. Lily was in the corner, eyes wide, like she wanted to do something but didn’t know what.

“That’s a lie,” Sirius said, his voice surprisingly quiet. It wasn’t calm however, there was something very dangerous in Sirius’ tone. Something that James knew he shouldn’t poke, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“It is. He would have left for you.”

“But not for you? Is that it? Hm, James? That’s what all this is about right? Regulus? Always fucking Regulus. You’re angry with me. I always knew you were angry, but I never knew why. I never could have guessed that it was because of my brother. My brother who by the way, is a piece of shit. He never wanted to leave. He wouldn’t have come, and even if I managed to get him to do it for me, he would have hated me forever.”

That isn’t true, James wanted to say. But he knew deep in his soul that it probably was.

They’d talked about running away once.

“We could go anywhere,” James whispered, his lips practically brushing Regulus’ ear.

“Where?” Regulus asked breathlessly. He was only humoring James, but he pulled back anyway to look Regulus in the eye.

James took a moment to drink him in, the slightly flush on his pale cheeks, the way his eyes glittered in the darkness. His irises looked colorless, but James knew they weren’t. James knew in the light, his eyes glowed like James had his head underwater and was tilting to look up at the sunlight streaming through the grey water around him.

It was an accurate description, because James felt like he was drowning every time their eyes met. Water filling his lungs, painfully sharp behind his nose as he gasped for air that didn’t exist.

“Wherever you want to go, out of Stillcreek.”

“Hm,” was all Regulus said for a second. “I suppose, technically we could.”

Technically. Yes, technically, anyone could do anything. Technically, they could sneak into Regulus’ house and kill his parents while they slept, but that didn’t mean they would, or should.

“We could go anywhere,” James continued stubbornly. “Somewhere that no one knows us or would mind that we’re… men.”

“Doesn’t matter if they mind,” Regulus said briskly, and James could see the way he suddenly snapped shut. He knew that wasn’t a positive thing, it wasn’t Regulus saying he didn’t care what people thought.

James swallowed. “Because you mind?” he asked, drawing back.

Something tense crackled between them.

“Doesn’t matter,” Regulus said again. Not an answer. It did matter.

“Let’s just pretend,” James said softly. He was pleading, he knew that, and the shame was there but he pushed it away. “Pretend we did run away. We can steal my dad’s truck, he probably would like the excuse to get a new one anyway. We could just pack our bags, put our entire lives in the back and make a break for it.”

Regulus didn’t respond for a moment, something unreadable flickering in his eyes. He frowned, but he didn’t snap. They snapped too much these days. It used to be easier, they used to just dance around things, now they were always creeping up in the shadows. They were getting older, time felt like it was running out. James’ parents had been talking about doctors and New York recently, and James felt a shift building. He was terrified what it might bring.

“Fine, we can pretend,” Regulus said finally. “Where would you like to go?”

“I don’t know, I’d like to see the world. Maybe some concerts.”

“Big agenda,” Regulus said, shaking his head, but there was a muted amusement in his voice at James’ words. Some of the tension bleed out of the space between them. They weren’t going to fight right now. At least, for tonight, Regulus was humoring him. “Only the whole world and some concerts to get to.”

“It’d be fun,” James said playfully. “We could go see some good old American landmarks. The Grand Canyon, the Statue of liberty, Mount Rushmore, that giant ball of string.”

“The great landmarks of America,” Regulus snorted. “Priceless history, and a ball of string. Is that even a thing?”

“Yes! It’s the wonders of the United States of America,” James grinned. “We have freedom, liberty, and stupid world records that didn’t need to be broken, what more could you ask for?”

“Higher minimum wage?”

“Nah, this is America, Regulus! We don’t need that, we just need giant balls of string.”

“Yes, yes,” Regulus sighed. “Land of the free, land of the giant ball of string. God bless America.”

James threw his head back in a laugh. “One nation under God, justice and liberty for all! We could do anything, whatever we wanted.”

“You know the freedom thing is a scam, right? I’m not sure where you’re getting the money for this massive road trip.”

“Eh, we could steal it.”

“Ah, of course, this is America,” Regulus shook his head, but he was fully smiling now.

“Exactly. We could drive this entire country, map out every minor tourist attraction and see them all. I want to see some war forts.”

“Of course, because you wouldn’t be a man if you didn’t have a very strange interest in war.”

“Maybe I just like history!” James protested.

“Tell that to the quiz you were crying over failing last week.”

James sighed lying back on the hood of the car and throwing up his hand to fan himself dramatically. “Do you not support me, Regulus? I thought you told me it was just one quiz, and I would live.”

“Maybe I told you that to get you to shut up.”

James turned his head to look up at Regulus, cutting him a glare. “Hey, I’m very sensitive about my academic performance, no making fun of me.”

“You don’t give a shit about academics, you’re sensitive about failure.”

It was such an offhand comment, they were still mostly joking, but it was one of those moments where James was struck by just how known he was. It was a scary thought. Terrifying to know someone could see right through him like that.

James tried not to linger on it. Sometimes it was all he could think about, but he didn’t want to tonight. He didn’t want to get stuck in a lopping spiral about all the things Regulus knew about him he hadn’t meant to show. James just didn’t love people halfway, he couldn’t help that it overflowed, spilling out into Regulus’ hands. It was a comfort at least, that Regulus was probably even less happy than James about being known. But James knew. He knew every inch of Regulus, he knew that even when he closed off, face going blank, there was a twister spinning through his mind. That as quiet as Regulus could get, inside it was never quiet.

They were alike in that sense. They didn’t have a lot of similarities, but they had a few. Just enough to keep them tangled up in knowing each other.

Sometimes (a lot of times these days, as James felt things growing brittle between them) James thought about what would happen if this ever ended. Could James ever get over it? Would he ever be able to unknow Regulus? Would he want to?

He liked to think that if anything ever happened, Regulus would be something he looked back on fondly. He couldn’t imagine ever regretting loving Regulus Black, no matter what happened.

“Yeah, yeah,” James rolled his eyes, trying to come off casual despite the fact that he’d taken a second too long to respond. “So what do you say? Aren’t you just dying to pack your bags and have an adventure with me?”

“Sure,” Regulus said, and James could have sworn it wasn’t a lie.

But maybe it was the ‘with me’ part. Maybe Regulus would follow James if he asked. One day, he’d get up the nerve. That day was not there yet. Now, he just accepted the words, smiling brightly up at Regulus.

He didn’t say ‘I love you’ because that wasn’t really something they did. But it sat there between them anyway.

Regulus never would have run away. Back then, James convinced himself he only needed to properly ask. But he never did, and if there was a chance it would have been that night. But James pretended it was all a joke and Regulus pretended too.

“You still love him,” Sirius said flatly when James didn’t respond.

James swallowed. His skin itched. He ached for something he couldn’t touch anymore. He missed Regulus in a way he’d never allowed himself to before. There was a fist squeezing around his heart and James missed Regulus so much he wanted to rip out his hair. So much he wanted to be sick.

“I didn’t think that was news,” he forced himself to say around the sinking pain in his chest.

“You still love him, and you blame me.”

“I don’t blame you for leaving,” James said quickly. “I know you had to. I never would have wanted you to stay, Sirius.”

“But you blame me for what, then? What is it?” Sirius demanded, his jaw tight.

“I—” James pressed his lips together, shaking his head helplessly. “I blame you for hurting him.”

Sirius balked, gaze igniting. “Excuse me?” he spat. “You hurt him.”

“The difference is that Regulus hurt me back just as much.”

“And you think Regulus didn’t hurt me? You think you’re the only fucking victim here?”

“No! I’m not saying he hasn’t hurt you, but not like you hurt him! He worshipped the ground you walked on, Sirius! And you tossed him aside like he was nothing—”

“He was just like our parents—”

“He’s not!” James tried not to allow his rage to spill over these days, but it was bubbling up in him now, a boiling inferno. “He is nothing like them, and that’s your fucking problem! That is why we’re here today because you paint Regulus out to be just another Black! How did he ever have a chance to be anything else when you put him in a box? You never expected anything else from him! All he ever needed was some encouragement, some support and you never gave it! You just ridiculed him for things he wanted to change! Things he didn’t know how to, instead of supporting him!”

“None of this is my fault! Do not blame me! You have no idea what it was like in that house! Regulus proved time and time again he stood by our parents and their fucked up values! I always wanted to leave, and I wanted him to want it too, but he didn’t!”

“I’m not blaming you! I will never blame you for what you needed to do to get out alive! I’m just saying you’ve never even given Regulus a chance! You decided long before you left Stillcreek that he was a lost cause! It’s not that he doesn’t love you. It’s not that he truly believes everything your parents did, Jesus fucking Christ he’s gay, Sirius. He’s just not like you and he’s never known how to dream that big like you do! He doesn’t know how to allow himself to want things while you’ve always wanted the whole world. You need to stop hating him for not being you!”

Silence rang through the kitchen following James’ words.

Lily had a hand to her mouth, face pale, and for a moment, no one said a word.

Sirius opened his mouth before closing it again. It seemed James had somehow rendered Sirius Black speechless.

“Get out,” Sirius said finally. “If you don’t, I’m going to punch you and we don’t need that. So get out.” Sirius’ voice was deathly quiet.

James only hesitated for a moment, still pressed against the table like it could hold him up. After a second, he nodded.

He swallowed, his mouth felt like it was full of cotton balls. James started forward, pushing past Sirius and towards the door.

He was grabbing his keys, his other hand on to the doorknob when Sirius called over his shoulder.

“And by the way, James? Don’t forget that everything went to hell in Stillcreek because of you, before you start tossing blame around. It was your fault.”

James froze, the metal of the doorknob smooth under his fingers.

It was James’ fault. That was true. All of it came back to one thing, one incident with James at the middle. One spring day when James made a decision that would never stop hovering over his shoulder, whispering cruelties into his ear.

James yanked open the front door, slamming it behind him.

He knew that it was his fault. He didn’t need Sirius to remind him.

Chapter Text

1999

Peter

__

Peter Pettigrew knew he was mediocre.

Everyone in Stillcreek knew he was unremarkable. If anyone spoke his name, it was usually a passing “The Pettigrew’s boy.” He didn’t even get a first name. He wasn’t anything of note. He was sure of this; he’d grown up around people of note. Sirius whose name was always on the tip of someone’s tongue, positive or not. James who was known by all, had no trouble walking into any room and being able to start and conversation. Remus who was quiet, but smart and hardworking, respected. And of course, Regulus, who despite not being particularly nice, was still the town’s golden boy.

Peter was envious.

He could admit that. It was a normal human emotion, was it not? Peter wanted to be great, he wanted to be loved. Everyone wanted that. It was natural, and Peter couldn’t be blamed for wanting something everyone else did too.

“So, she really rejected you?” James questioned, like he couldn’t believe it. Of course, James Potter, wouldn’t. He’d never been rejected a day in his life. He could have any girl he wanted. They were always falling at his feet. Begging to go to every dance, homecoming, prom, even just a venture to the woods to make out. They’d take whatever they could get.

But… James didn’t humor them. Peter didn’t understand that. When he’d first started high school, and every girl was tripping over themselves for him, he’d gone on plenty of dates. But not anymore. He said he was just ‘too mature’ which Peter doubted. Maybe James thought himself too good for the girls of Stillcreek. Maybe it got boring having everyone fawning over him, Peter couldn’t imagine how, but there must have been a reason he didn’t date anymore.

“Yes,” Peter sighed. “She said she didn’t see me that way.”

James grimaced. “Ah, well better luck next time?”

What next time? This was the next time James had spoken of last time Peter struck out. He was running out of girls to be rejected by.

“Maybe,” Peter frowned. He opened his mouth to continue, but was interrupted by Sirius’ rowdy appearance.

“Prongs!” he said, excitably. He put his hands onto James’ shoulders from behind, jumping with a wide grin.

“Pads?” James questioned as he was nearly knocked over by the force of his best friend.

“I missed you,” Sirius sighed. “Do you know how boring biology is? I can’t do it.”

Remus was right behind Sirius, arching his eyebrows, the calm center of Sirius’ storm. “You’re separated for one class,” Remus pointed out. “I’m sure you’ll live. And bio isn’t that bad, you only hate it because you always sleep through it and get in trouble.”

“I can’t help it,” Sirius lamented. “It’s my last class of the day, I’m tired.”

“You slept through history too,” Remus pointed out. “That’s much earlier in the day.”

“Yeah, too early,” Sirius sighed.

“It’s at like noon,” Remus said, squinting his eyes at Sirius.

Sirius let go of James to throw an arm around Remus’ shoulder. “Yeah, maybe it’s always too early or late for school. Maybe we should abolish it.”

“Closing the schools is the last thing you need,” Remus muttered under his breath. “You barely have a brain as is.”

James cut in before any bickering could begin. “Did you see, Reg?” he asked Sirius, looking around at the students spilling out of the school around him.

“Yeah, he was talking with Pandora,” Sirius said. “He told me he’d be over in a moment. Don’t worry, I ain’t planning on leaving him.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what you were going to suggest,” James rolled his eyes.

Sirius sighed dramatically. “He’s a big boy, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“And we’ll be fine if you wait a few minutes for him,” James countered.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, we’ll wait for you best friend,” Sirius said, something bitter under his tone.

Sirius was a bit… possessive. James had always been Sirius', as had Regulus. The friendship that’d grown between James and Regulus when he’d started high school still irked Sirius. Peter could tell Sirius didn’t like to share, and he often acted like his territory was being encroached on.

"He’s not my best friend,” James said simply. That was what he always said, Peter didn’t know if it was true. Yeah, Regulus wasn’t James’ best friend like Sirius was, but there was something between them. They were often disappearing or whispering in each other’s ears when they thought no one was looking.

A person could have multiple best friends, right? Peter hoped, otherwise he wasn’t anyone’s best friend at all.

Sirius just sighed. James didn’t say anything more, but they did wait for Regulus.

Sure enough, it only took a few seconds for him to appear, waving goodbye to Pandora Lovegood.

He joined them, crossing his arms silently. Sirius sighed again, to which Regulus rolled his eyes.  

“Hey, Reg, ready to go?” James asked.

“Yeah, I’m surprised y’all waited.”

“James forced us to,” Sirius complained. “Can we hurry the fuck up now? I’m hungry.”

Regulus started forward towards the sidewalk, pushing Sirius as he went. “Are you coming?” he called over his shoulder.

They followed, Sirius grumbling under his breath which Regulus ignored. Eventually, Remus distracted Sirius and they began a conversation, that was half bickering, half something else that Peter never really knew how to describe.

James and Regulus fell into step alongside each other, leaving Peter as the odd man out. He walked behind them slightly, wondering if anyone even noticed that he was on his own. They’d never really paid him much mind, even when they were younger, so it was nothing new. It was just that before, James made more of an effort. He used to walk alongside Peter whenever Sirius and Remus were caught up. Now, he always chose Regulus.

When they made it to Moony’s they ordered food, greeting Hope Lupin as she welcomed them warmly. They did homework in the warm sunlight filtering through the dusty window. Well, Remus and Regulus did homework. Sirius and James were caught up in some debate about a TV show they watched, and Peter was staring at the blank page of his assignment, unable to focus when the two were yapping so much. Remus and Regulus were smart and driven, they were able to tune things out when they got loud. Not Peter. He wasn’t smart like that. He worked hard in school just to get acceptable grades. The kinds that had his parents eyeing his report card, but unable to really scold him because it wasn’t like he failed. He just wasn’t the best, wasn’t anything special. The story of Peter Pettigrew’s life.

After a while, James got antsy. He was shifting in his seat, unable to sit still, and without looking, almost like an instinct, Regulus reached out to still James’ leg which was bounding on the booth next to Regulus. Peter didn’t think anyone else noticed, but James froze in his fidgeting. He reached under the table to squeeze Regulus’ hand on his leg, and after that Regulus quickly let go.

That was strange.

Peter knew Regulus was not a touchy person, even if James were annoying him, he should have just snapped at him to sit still. The motion didn’t sit right with Peter, and he couldn’t describe it. He chalked it up to jealousy. Regulus and James were close, of course casual touches were common between friends. Sirius was usually all over all of them, and James wasn’t known for keeping his hands to himself.

Peter just swallowed, looking back to his assignment. Yes, he was jealous, he knew that. Peter and James were closer before Regulus came along and ruined everything. Now, James never seemed to have the time for Peter.

He didn’t understand what made Regulus so special. He wasn’t very nice, he wasn’t great conversation. He was too quiet, much more likely to glare or roll his eyes than to actually respond. And of course, James and Regulus had nothing in common. What did they even talk about? It wasn’t like Peter and James who both liked the same sports and comics when they were younger. But James didn’t seem to care for comic books these days, and Peter hadn’t mentioned them since a year before when Sirius said they were childish. They were not, they were just books. Plenty of adults read comic books, but Sirius made Peter feel ashamed of them. He didn’t want to be childish, he wanted to be cool and liked the same way everyone else was. He’d thought maybe the comics were the issue, and he’d tried to ditch anything that might make him seem uncool. It didn’t matter, girls still didn’t like him. Peter was pretty sure he could change everything about himself, and they’d still see right through him.

He just didn’t have it. Whatever the rest of his friends had that made them so likable and all-around cool. People wanted to know them, be around them. Peter was different. He was the one people forgot about, the one they’d always turn to after fawning over everyone else.

“What’s your name? Peter or something, right?”

Peter or something, yeah, that was right.

“We should go out tonight,” James said suddenly.

Sirius instantly dropped his pencil, no longer bothering to pretend he was doing homework.

“We should,” he said instantly.

Peter didn’t want to go out. He wanted to go home, lie in bed, read, maybe play on his Game Boy. He’d even be happy to have plans if it were just the four (five… counting Regulus) of them. But he knew that wasn’t what James meant. He had no doubt heard about some party and was ready to go out and get trashed.

“I don’t know…” Remus said. Peter never dared to disagree, but Remus never seemed to have that hesitance. Maybe because for the most part, they respected his opinions. “We have a biology test on Monday, Sirius.”

“Yeah, on Monday, that’s ages away. It’s Friday, Moony.”

“But you should study.”

“We can study on Saturday or Sunday,” Sirius waved him off. “It’ll be fine.”

“You have the entire curriculum to learn since you sleep through class,” Remus pointed out.

“Nah, I got it, I hear some of it.” The thing is, Sirius was probably right. He never even had to try in school. He slept or goofed off through most of his classes, and rarely did homework unless Remus was forcing him, yet, got high grades on every test.

Peter worked his ass off just for his work to still not be as good as what Sirius did with little to no effort.

“Well, it’s not my grades,” Remus said, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Perfect!” James smiled. “Regulus, what do you say?” He didn’t even ask Peter.

Regulus looked up, turning his head to meet James’ gaze.

“You want to go to the party?” There was something in his eyes Peter couldn’t place, a flash of darkness, bitterness… pain.

Peter wondered if James saw it because he paused suddenly. “Yes…” he said, jaw clenching.

Regulus shook his head, and then he was pushing out of the booth and stalking out the front door. The bell jingled behind him, and Sirius’ eyebrows shot up.

“What the fuck is that about?” Sirius questioned, as James watched him go for only a second, his brow furrowed.

James didn’t give much of an answer. “Nothing, hold on,” he mumbled, scooting out of the booth and following Regulus out the door.

Peter watched as James caught up with Regulus outside, catching him by the wrist. Regulus instantly wrenched his arm out of James’ grasp, turning on him with a blazing expression.

They were clearly arguing about something as Regulus snapped and James instantly crossed his arms, shoulders tensing.

Sirius leaned over Remus, craning his neck to see out the window. “What is wrong with them lately?” he questioned, frown painting his lips. “They’ve been weird. Don’t you guys think they’ve been weird?”

“Yeah… but I mean, James has been tense,” Remus pointed out. “You know, with his mom and everything,” he said quietly, the words causing Sirius to instantly turn away from the window to face his friend with a frown.

“I get it, but why is he arguing with Regulus?”

“Pent-up anger?” Remus shrugged. “And you know how Regulus is, he does tend to uh… easily become a target for anger. He’s good at saying things that piss people off.”

“What? So you think James needs someone to fight with, and Regulus is just the easy target? I don’t know…” Sirius said slowly. “I fucking hate being in the dark.”

Yeah, it was probably a new feeling for someone like Sirius, but Peter was used to it.

1999

Regulus

__

“I can’t believe you,” Regulus hissed, his voice a dark contrast to the warmth of the early spring sun on his skin.

“It’s just a party!” James insisted. “You don’t even need to go!”

“That’s not the problem!”

“Then what?”

“You know what!” Regulus snapped, anger building in his chest. He grabbed James by the arm, his grip tight in frustration. Regulus dragged James out of sight, to the side of the diner where no one could see them.

James yanked his arm away from Regulus as soon as they were hidden from view, and Regulus was glad. He didn’t want to touch James right now.

Once the notion would have been absurd. All Regulus wanted was to put his hands on James Potter every hour of every day. But now, more often than not, the touch left a bitter taste in Regulus’ mouth. He was pretty sure he was being punished. How had it come to this? How had things turned so badly so quickly?

“You said no more parties,” Regulus said, and he hated the way it was pleading underneath the anger. “Nothing good ever comes of them.”

“Everyone else will be there,” James protested. “It’ll be fine!”

“Will it? Because that’s what you said last time, and I was the one who had to drag you home when you drank yourself into a ditch.”

“It won’t be like last time! I won’t drink that much!”

“Because you’re already drunk? Because you had vodka in your water bottle at nine a.m.?” Regulus asked accusingly.

That caused James to stiffen, his jaw tight. “That’s not true.” A lie, always another lie these days.

“Really? You forget you kissed me in the bathroom during lunch, I tasted it on you.”

“I—” James broke off, caught.

Regulus wanted to know how he was going to explain this one away. It just kept getting worse, and James’ denial grew.

The truth was, Regulus was scared.

He wasn’t just scared because this entire relationship was wrong. He wasn’t scared because it’d gone on for far longer than it should have. He wasn’t scared because James’ parents were moving, and Regulus was terrified that Sirius would leave with them. He wasn’t even scared because he was surely going to hell at this point. Or no— he was scared of all of those things, but what scared Regulus most, was that James Potter was going to drink himself to death before any of those things even had time to matter.

He was fucking terrified, that one day James would need Regulus to pull him out and Regulus wouldn’t make it in time.

The past year would have been hard, no matter what. Their fraying relationship would have been hard, but… this? This was something Regulus didn’t know what to do with. He was so close to going to someone, anyone, and begging them to help him. Regulus was just a teenager, he didn’t know how to help James, how to stop him. Every time he tried, they just fought, which caused James to get angrier, and drunker.

Regulus could barely sleep these days for fear of what James might get himself into if Regulus closed his eyes, and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that Regulus seemed to be the only person who truly knew the extent of James’ drinking problem. It wasn’t fair that Regulus spent more time picking up after James than being loved by him. It wasn’t fair that for the first time since this fucked up little relationship had begun, Regulus couldn’t tell if James still loved him.

They’d never said it. That just wasn’t them. Better to never speak it into existence lest it hurt worse. But still, James had always made sure Regulus knew in their own quiet way.

It was the little things, the things they could offer each other. Little touches, smiles when no one was looking, pictures, and whispered promises Regulus never really expected James to keep. But maybe that was all love was—delusion. The hopeless belief that they could keep each other. The useless, scrabbling hands, grasping onto the rope of something that was not meant to be. Now, Regulus’ palms were raw and rope burned. The callouses never quite formed, maybe that was for the best. If they had, he would have cut them out.

“It was just a bad morning,” James said finally. Deflecting, downplaying. Not always his favorite tactic. Sometimes he’d get angry, Regulus didn’t know which one he preferred. At least anger meant Regulus was special. James didn’t get angry at anyone else; he didn’t snap like he did for Regulus.

“Right…” Regulus said. He knew it was sharp and mocking, he didn’t care. It’s not like he ever got through to James anyway. “Just something to take the edge off, huh? Because that’s normal, to drink that early in the morning? To need it to get through the day? To turn to alcohol every time things get too much?”

“Everyone drinks,” James began, his teeth clenched.

Regulus really wondered what it was like in James’ mind. Was he that deep in denial? Or did he know and was lying to Regulus?

“You may be able to fool everyone else, but not me,” Regulus said tightly. “Don’t bother. You swore to me, no more parties.”

“Then don’t come,” James scoffed. “Stop trying to control me.”

Regulus could have punched something. Well, if he’d ever learned how to do that. He wasn’t violent, he’d spent too much time around it. He learned how to keep things close, how to let it cannibalize his insides rather than lashing out. He wasn’t his parents, he wasn’t Sirius, he wasn’t violent. But now he wished he could be. Just to see James flinch, just to see something break. He didn’t know if he could do this anymore.

What had he been thinking? Of course all this was shit, God was punishing him. Regulus had walked into this knowing he was sinning, and he had tried not to care, but the proof was there now. So loud, undeniable.

Regulus didn’t react. He didn’t punch James, he didn’t break his knuckles against the side of the diner, but he’d never wanted to more badly.

Regulus was quiet, he was good at being quiet. He was good at never letting anyone or anything in. But surely, he was just like the rest of his family.

The Black curse. The family madness. Stillcreek had a lot of names for it, whatever it was that burrowed in the veins of every Black and turned them rotten and cold. There were no happy Blacks. There were dead ones and gone ones, but not happy ones. Regulus was never going to be the first. He surely had the curse too, he felt it twisting his insides now.

Regulus was pretty sure he’d only made it this far because he just felt empty more often than not—a gaping hole eating away inside his chest. He’d never been alive, he’d never been much of anything. Regulus hated himself so fully and terribly that he always half thought…

Well, he kind of thought he’d die young. Yes, that was morbid. He knew. It’s not like he was about to go kill himself. He didn’t have the guts for that. But it always felt like Regulus was never supposed to be a permanent fixture, and one day the world would right itself. Take Regulus out of commission, wipe its hands clean of him.

Regulus didn’t know how he wanted to die. He didn’t want it to be James. He’d never wanted to do that to him. He was reconsidering now. Anything to hurt James, to yank him out of the delusions.

“Maybe someone needs to,” Regulus snapped. He wanted to tear out his hair, to rip his skin from his bones, and dump the mess at James Potter’s feet.

You wanted all of me? You wanted to bleed me dry and claim every bit of me? Well here. Fucking have it. Take me. Eat me, consume me, spit me out when you don’t like the taste. Hate me when you wake up and realize the truth. I don’t care. Just get rid of me. Take this stain out of the world, then you can go drink yourself to death in peace.

“Oh?” James asked scornfully. He laughed, the sound bitter and humorless. “And that’s going to be you, is it? Why should you be the one? Why should I trust you? All you’ve ever done is tell me lies.”

“I don’t lie to you, you’re mixing yourself up with me.”

“Yes, you do. You lie every time you fucking look at me. You lied when you said you wanted me, you lied when you said you’d run away with me—”

“I never fucking said I’d do that.”

Regulus thought James knew that. He thought James knew him. Regulus had never admitted to anyone the things he’d told James. The soul-crushing fear that he was not made to be anyone or go anywhere. James knew.

“Yes, you did!”

“No, I humored you, and I thought you knew that. I thought you…”

James knew Regulus.

Or… maybe he was just another person deluding himself into believing they could mold and shape Regulus Black. Maybe James just wanted to change him into something easier to swallow.

The joke was on him, James wasn’t easy to swallow either. Regulus could feel him stuck there, in his throat right above his collarbones. He took a deep breath.

Regulus was cracking. The rest of his sentence came out in a shattered mess, James might cut his palms on them, and Regulus wanted to see him bleed.

“…I thought you knew me.”

Whatever expression Regulus wore must have meant something to James, because he froze.

James was looking at Regulus. Really looking, brown eyes x-raying through Regulus’ skin, filled to the brim with things Regulus didn’t know how to understand.

It wasn’t tender per se, James was still angry, that was clear in the clench of his fists, palms white with the force. But there was something else there too.

Oh, you forgot, Regulus thought, the notion hitting him like a freight train.

In the midst of all of this, all the alcohol and fighting and anger, you forgot you love me.

It seemed James was remembering now as something raw and pained flickered across his face.

“Regulus—”

“Don’t.” Regulus’ voice cracked, and he winced at the sound.

Silence.

James could have turned his back, and this time Regulus was so sure he’d let him. He’d never meant to let this get so far. Nothing had happened in a way Regulus would have liked. From the very beginning, from sitting in the back of the Potter’s truck and realizing that James was looking, really truly looking like he was seeing Regulus for the first time. Since the first time James kissed him, and Regulus finally realized just why he’d always wanted James to see him so badly.

Regulus wanted to hurt James. He wanted to wipe the love from his eyes, to snuff out the light. How dare James Potter love him, and still treat him like this? How dare he get Regulus under his hands and then hate what he found.

“You want to make me into something else. You know I’m not like you or Sirius, you still want me to be. You want to leave this place and you want me to come. So maybe you don’t know me at all. Or maybe, you’re just lying to yourself. That’s nothing new, is it Jamie?”

James flinched at the nickname. It was exactly what Regulus wanted.

Regulus hadn’t called James that since the first time they’d kissed. It was an unspoken rule. Jamie marked the before. In the after he was just James.

James whispered against his skin. James, because when Regulus loved him so, he couldn’t bear to butcher the beauty of his name with a nickname. All the things that made James just... James were alive. A beating heart inside his name. James, James, James.

James knew that, he knew that the Regulus who would let him touch and take and keep, was not the same Regulus that used to call him Jamie.

“Don’t call me that,” James said in a strangled whisper. Then, he was starting forward, grabbing Regulus by the wrist, pulling him in as if to say you still belong to me. The imprint of my hands are still on your skin and you can’t take it back.

Regulus swallowed. They were face to face, barely a breath apart. James’ grip was rough as he used his free hand to grab Regulus by the jaw, forcing his head up to meet James square in the eye.

“Do not fucking call me that,” James bit out in a strangled whisper. “Don’t play games, don’t do things just because you know you’ll hurt me. That isn’t fair. It isn’t fair, Regulus, why do you do this to me?”

“It isn’t fair?” Regulus spat in disbelief. “As if I’m the one hurting you—”

“You are hurting me!”

Regulus’ breath caught.

That’s what Regulus wanted, but it didn’t feel as good as he thought it would when the words were sitting between them.

“Then I guess we’re even,” Regulus said quietly.

James let go so suddenly Regulus stumbled backwards.

“I’m going to the party,” James said coolly. “Come or don’t, I don’t care.”

With that, he pushed past Regulus, leaving him standing there, feeling suddenly cold.

__

“You really don’t want to come?” Sirius had asked as he left the house.

“Just not in the mood,” Regulus muttered.

Sirius probably knew something else was going on, but he didn’t ask. Regulus wondered if Sirius knew something was wrong, that something had shifted in Regulus’ life within the last few years. Sometimes, he’d catch his brother looking at him, a frown on his face, but Sirius had problems of his own. He didn’t pay much mind to Regulus’. That was fine, if someone was going to be picking up Regulus’ messes, he didn’t want it to be Sirius who managed to fuck up everything he touched.

When he was left alone in the house, Regulus got up and he paced.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

There was emotion climbing up his throat, too many feelings to name. His thoughts swirled, and Regulus hated it. He used to be better at keeping things in boxes before James Potter came along and broke them down. He used to just know he was stuck the way he was, but James had made him want to change.

Regulus couldn’t. Not any more than James could, and if he was less of an awful selfish person, Regulus would have cut it loose then.

He looked down at his hands. His palms were smooth, but as he rubbed them together, he swore he felt the rope burn.

No one else knew the extent of James’ drinking problem. Sirius definitely had suspicions, but he probably brushed it off as some simple teenage overdrinking. Remus was always too caught up in Sirius, just a little out of the loop. To focused on school and practically running Moony’s for his parents most days, and Regulus didn’t think Peter had ever noticed a thing unless it was a comic shoved in front of his nose.

But Regulus knew. Regulus was the one to patch James up time and time again.

And now, Regulus was here, alone, pacing in his room while James was getting up to god knows what.

It’s not my responsibility. James is old enough to deal with the consequences of his actions. It’s not my problem, it’s not my problem, it’s not my problem.

Regulus held out for two hours. He really, really tried. Eventually, the images of what trouble James might be getting himself into were too persistent to ignore.

Fuck.

Regulus didn’t think as he pulled on his shoes, heading out the front door. His parents were gone, and there was no one to protest as he left the cold, empty house behind him.

When Regulus got to the party, it was rowdy.

Someone had started a fire, which personally Regulus did not think was a good idea to do when surrounded by so many trees, but whatever. Not Regulus’ business. If they burned down Stillcreek, problems solved.

More than a few people greeted Regulus as he made his way through the crowd. He barely registered them, only giving distant nods as he searched through the faces.

He found Peter first, he was sitting near the fire alone, staring into its depths.

“Peter!” Regulus yelled over the noise as he made his way over.

“Regulus?”

Regulus always got the feeling that Peter didn’t like him much. He didn’t really care either way, Peter wasn’t Regulus’ friend, but he did sometimes wonder why that was.

“Where’s James?”

Peter’s mouth twisted into a frown at that. “I don’t know. He and Sirius were drinking a lot, Rem was keeping an eye on them. Last I saw they were over there,” Peter said, pointing loosely across to the other side of the fire.

Great, helpful. Thanks, Peter.

Regulus sighed but headed in that direction.

He found Remus and Sirius near the tree line, talking softly. Sirius’ eyebrows shot up when he registered Regulus.

“I thought you weren’t coming?” he questioned.

“Yeah, changed my mind,” Regulus said, hoping it came out casual. More like he was losing his mind. Where the hell was James?

Regulus opened his mouth to ask this exact question when suddenly, there was someone practically barreling into him.

“Regulus!” James said excitably. “You came!”

His words were slurred, and he was happy. Happy to see Regulus despite the fact that they’d fought earlier in the day. That’s how Regulus knew James was probably drunk enough to have forgotten that.

“Get off me,” Regulus snapped, pushing James’ face away from his own before he could do something incredibly stupid.

James just frowned. “Hey,” he said sadly.

“No,” Regulus said stiffly. “You need to sober up, you stink.”

“Why should I?” James asked in confusion. “It’s a party, you’re supposed to get drunk!”

“You promised me,” Regulus couldn’t even be bothered by the fact that Remus and Sirius were right there. They were always so oblivious anyway. The idea of James and Regulus having any sort of romantic relationship would be a laughable thought. Everyone knew that. Yes, they were close, but Regulus wouldn’t touch homosexuality with a ten-foot pole. That was the only reason that they’d never been caught. The notion of Regulus allowing James to fuck him should have been inconceivable.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. In fact, he’d gotten pretty much as close to homosexuality as was physically possible.

Regulus was suddenly filled with a wave of guilt so strong he felt sick. He’d let James have him, claim every part of his body, things that were supposed to be sacred just for him. He’d given it all up like a common whore, and what did he have to show for it? A secret relationship filled with more anger and alcohol than love? Regulus was tired, but he was also weak, and he didn’t know how to turn his back now.

“You’re going to be sick soon,” Regulus said when James didn’t reply. He looked like he was trying to remember what he’d promised Regulus. He knew whenever James got this happy drunk, he was moments away from puking his guts out. “I think you should go home.”

“I don’t wanna,” James complained.

“Tough fucking luck.”

Sirius seemed too tipsy to properly follow the conversation, but Remus was frowning, like he could tell something was wrong, but he didn’t know what.

“He’d mad at me,” James told Sirius and Remus. “I’m mad at him… I’m just mad. I’m angry. A-all of this…” James seemed to lose ahold of his train of thought, turning back to Regulus with a devastated look on his face. “I don’t want you to be mad.”

“Then stop doing things to piss me off. Just come on, let’s take you home. You’re way too drunk.”

“You won’t be mad anymore if I do?”

Regulus lied. He knew James wouldn’t remember this in the morning anyway. “Yeah, I won’t be mad anymore.”

“Oh…” James paused considering this before nodding vigorously. The movement sent him off balance, and Regulus grabbed him by the shoulder, in a touch that he hoped read as extremely platonic and not weird. “I- okay, okay, okay. Okay then.”

Regulus sighed.

“Is that all you came for?” Sirius questioned. “You knew he’d get this drunk?”

“Yeah.”

Something flashed in Sirius’ eyes, and Regulus realized for the first time that they had some sort of middle ground, something they shared. Sirius knew. Maybe he’d been trying to deny it, but he knew and soon that denial would fade. It was probably already fading with the realization that Regulus recognized a problem too. James had a problem.

“Okay… you got him?”

“I do, it’s fine. I’ll see you later, Sirius.”

Sirius looked like he wanted to protest, but James was starting to lean heavily on Regulus, and he definitely was going to throw up soon. Sirius must have seen this too because he let them go.

Regulus didn’t drive them to James’ house.

“Why are we here?” James muttered, and Regulus pulled the car into the spot near the trees that James normally parked in when he came out here. Regulus could walk right through his backyard, and it was the only reason he was even able to sneak out here so often.

“Because you’re drunk as hell and unless you want your parents to see it, you’ll sober up out here first.”

James frowned, but he accepted the explanation with little argument.

“Okay… you’re not bringing me out here to kill me?”

Regulus scoffed. “As much as I would love that, no.”

Regulus got out of the car, moving around to open the passenger side and haul James out. He was unsteady on his feet, and now without an audience, he clung to Regulus, wrapping his arms around Regulus’ waist, and pushing his nose in his neck.

It was warm, and familiar, and filled with so much love despite everything, that it hit Regulus with such force that the breath was knocked out of him.

He hated how out of control he felt as tears gathered in his eyes. He didn’t know what or who he was crying for. Himself? James? Their relationship? Stillcreek? Sirius? His family? Maybe all of it. It’s not like Regulus had even a single part of his life left untainted.

He was so tired. He was so, so, tired.

When James pulled back, he seemed to realize Regulus was crying and an unhappy sound fell from his lips. He grabbed Regulus by the face, clumsily, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“Y-you are…” James started, like he wanted to comfort Regulus. In his less-than-sober state, the words didn’t seem to come, and he frowned, clearly searching for whatever it was he wanted to say. What he settled on, was the last thing Regulus expected.

“I love you.”

What?

Regulus’ heart stopped in his chest, the world stopped spinning, the bugs stopped singing. Everything went silent, as for the first time, James spoke the words aloud.

I love you.

I love you?

Why would James say that? Why would he say that now? After everything, he chose this moment? Regulus didn’t think James would even remember this in the morning. That wasn’t fair, none of this was fair.

“I know that,” Regulus said quietly. He really hoped James wouldn’t remember this. If he’d been sober, Regulus didn’t know what he would have said, but he might have at least bothered with trying. Now, Regulus didn’t, what was the point? He couldn’t spill his guts just for James to forget it. He couldn’t have that sort of conversation.

Because when the day came… Regulus knew what he’d have to say. It’d be to soften the blow. “I love you… but.” Because Regulus had to say it before it was over, and that’s the only time he’d allow himself to give.

“I just need you to know. I need- I want you to know.”

“I do,” Regulus promised.

“Even when you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you.”

That seemed to confuse James. “Yes… y-yes, you do. You do, I know it.”

“I’m only going to say this now, and if you forget, that’s your own fault, but I can never hate you, James. If I say I do, I’m lying. I hate the things you’ve done and the way you make me feel. I hate how all of this has happened. I hate that you care about drinking more than you do about me. I hate that we are here right now, but I can never hate you, James Potter. Do you hear me?”

James was silent for a moment. His hands were still cupping Regulus’ face, he brushed a clumsy finger over Regulus’ cheek.

“I wish things were different,” James whispered hoarsely, and Regulus realized for the first time that James must have felt it too. How tangled and unhappy they’d become, how each fight felt like one step closer to the end.

“Me too,” Regulus said instead of why don’t we just let this go? Why don’t we cut our losses before it kills us? He decided for the smallest bit of honesty he could offer. “I’m angry.”

“So am I,” James whispered, like it was a secret. Like it wasn’t bubbling over inside of James every time the walls went down.

Everyone knew Regulus was closed off. It was hard to get through to him, like drawing blood from a stone. James was different. No one knew how much he kept close. They thought James Potter was an open book, and that was his biggest secret of all. That underneath the smiles and the charm, James was filled with just as much pain and bitterness as everyone else in Stillcreek.

Regulus thought that was the only thing every single one of them had in common. They weren’t happy. He couldn’t think of a single person he knew who was happy. They were all just scraping by. But maybe that was true for the rest of the world. Maybe even the people who lived in flashy cities surrounded by thousands of other people every second of the day were unhappy as well.

What a cruel bitter world. Regulus didn’t know the point of it all.

“I know,” Regulus said softly. “I know you, James.”

“No more Jamie?” James asked, his voice small.

“Piss me off again and we’ll see,” Regulus muttered. “But not right now.”

“Even though I’m drunk?”

“Even then.”

James swallowed. He leaned down, pressing a quick kiss to Regulus’ lips. It lacked any motor skills or finesse, but just this once, Regulus let it go. Because maybe James was drunk, maybe Regulus hated drunk James, but at least he was showing Regulus just a little bit of love. It was rare these days.

Sometimes, Regulus wanted to grab James and shake him. Doesn’t it bother you? Aren’t you scared too? Don’t you see how quickly we’re falling?

Growing up, Regulus had always been fascinated by the idea of Lucifer. The thought that the devil himself had once been an angel. Even the most beautiful things could turn to darkness, and it was probably blasphemy to say, but Regulus thought that was what was happening here. Something that could be so pure, so beautiful, was falling from the grasp of heaven.

Or maybe, Regulus was deluding himself. This relationship, one with another man didn’t belong anywhere near heaven. It’d never get close to it in the first place. Maybe that was the devil placing these thoughts in his head. Making him think that this could ever be beautiful. It was a sin, and Regulus was partaking. He should have known better, but temptations were strong, and Regulus was weak. He could not withstand the draw of James Potter, the vice of all vices. How Regulus wished he knew how to quit James.

Regulus would. He knew he had to. But… not tonight. Not yet. Just a little while longer, a few greedy more moments.

“C’mon,” Regulus murmured pulling away from James’ lips. He led the older boy through the trees, and they lay down on the hood of the old car. Regulus pulled James close, letting him nuzzle his head into the crook of Regulus’ arm, and they just breathed. Regulus squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pretend this was some other world where James was a girl, and everything was fine.

God, he wished James was a girl. Everything would be so much simpler. Yes, his parents wouldn’t be happy, since they hated the Potters, but at least there might have been a chance.

But James didn’t feel or smell like a girl. In fact, he was the antithesis of everything Regulus should have. He smelled like a boy. His hair was long, but not long enough to be a girl’s, and Regulus couldn’t pretend as he soothingly ran his hands through James’ hair.

He knew James was falling asleep as his breathing evened, and Regulus let him. He just held this boy who had ruined his life and tried to act like everything was okay. Like it could be okay.

Regulus tilted his head down to watch James in the darkness. His eyes were closed, his face relaxed, glasses crooked where he was pressed into Regulus.

Gently, Regulus pulled James’ glasses from his face. He pocketed them carefully, feeling so unbearably fond that it looped back around into something twisted and angry. Regulus tried to swallow it down. He didn’t want to think about that right now. He wanted just this one tiny moment of peace.

He had to crane his neck painfully to press a kiss to James, forehead, but Regulus didn’t mind, pushing back James’ hair and breathing deeply into his skin.

Regulus felt the words coming up his throat, and with only God to witness, he dared to speak them aloud, sin or not.

“I love you.”

He whispered it quietly, like that might absolve him of his sins.

He didn’t dare to speak it again. He didn’t think he ever would, but he wanted them to be even.

Chapter Text

1999

James

__

James woke with a hangover. That was not exactly new. He grimaced, but sat up, shouldering the headache with practiced ease, Shit, he must have really gotten fucked up last night to feel this bad.

Last night.

James tried to pick out any of the details, but they were all hazy. He didn’t remember how he’d gotten home or where any of his friends were. Somehow, he was tucked safely into his bed, and the sun was shining through the window, bright enough to tell James it was the afternoon at least.

He peeled himself out of bed, feeling heavy. There was a glass of water on his nightstand, and he chugged it, ignoring the nausea roiling in his gut. He didn’t instantly throw up when he stood, so he figured he was safe for now. Safe, and also starving. There was the smell of something cooking, and James padded downstairs.

“Morning, early bird,” Effie Potter greeted with a smile as James stepped into the kitchen.

A glance at the clock told James it was one p.m. and he rolled his eyes.

James used to wake up early. He liked to be up to help his father with chores, but those days were long gone. James barely made it up for school lately.

“Hey, Mama,” James said kissing his mother on the cheek.

She looked okay today. Her skin was still pale and lacking the rosy life in her cheeks she used to have, but she was steady on her feet and smiling warmly.

“Lunch?” she asked. “Or… breakfast, I should say.”

James sighed loudly to let her know he was annoyed with her making fun of him but nodded anyway. “Yeah, sounds great,” he murmured.

His mother grabbed some plates from the cabinet and began shoveling food onto them.

“Any plans for the day?” she asked as she set the plate down in front of him. “Seeing the boys?”

“Probably,” James shrugged. “We didn’t make plans, but I’m sure they’ll be around.”

They might have made plans the night before, but James couldn’t remember, and he was sure they’d find him eventually anyway.,

Sirius had a habit of showing up at James’ door with Regulus in tow—

Oh. Regulus.

They’d fought yesterday, James remembered that. Regulus hadn’t wanted him to go to the party and had refused to go himself. James had hoped he might change his mind, but Sirius had shown up without him. James remembered the feeling of his heart dropping into his stomach at Regulus’ absence.

“He just didn’t want to come,” Sirius had said offhandedly. Sirius had no idea how much Regulus didn’t want to come.

James was a liar. It’d hit him at that moment. Of course, he knew that. He’d been lying for years; it wasn’t exactly something new. Ever since he’d started seeing Regulus it was lie after lie, secret after secret.

Simple decisions were a thing of the past. It felt like every single thing James did, he had to weigh the cost, the weight on himself and Regulus. If James agreed to hang out with Sirius, was he potentially getting in the way of time spent with Regulus? Could James choose to be with Regulus over Sirius? Sirius was his best friend, but they had all the time in the world. With Regulus it felt like every second of every day, they were running against the clock.

They were the sand in the hourglass, tick, tick, ticking away. James could taste the grittiness in his lungs sometimes. Sometimes, he wished that Regulus was a stranger he could just disengage from. Someone he could find a way to pull away from. But every second, all that was in James’ head was Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.

Regulus, who smiled so much warmer than he realized. Regulus with the darkness simmering inside his chest. James often wondered which one of them would crack first. It felt like they’d built their relationship on a fault line, and it was only a matter of time before it all came crumbling down in an explosive fall out. James could feel it, Regulus could feel it, and it sat somewhere heavy inside the marrow of James’ bones. Eating away at him from the inside.

Regulus—

James froze. His fork was halfway to his mouth, his mother was humming, the world stopped.

“I love you.” Lips to his forehead, breath on his skin.

James squeezed his eyes shut.

What was that? Some sort of dream? Regulus hadn’t even been there last night, he—

“I know you, James.”

I know you. I know you. I know, I knowiknowiknow. I love you. I love you?

James remembered Regulus’ hand, steadying on James’ shoulder. The flash of his eyes, the downward curve of his lips.

Had Regulus been there? Why would he have been there?

Regulus was stubborn. He didn’t like to go back on his word. If Regulus said he wasn’t coming, he wouldn’t have come. He would have rather dug his grave and laid down in it than give in.

James was always the one to give. To eventually chase after Regulus when he turned his back. And James knew what that meant. He knew Regulus was just waiting for the day when James did something he could properly hate him for and cut him loose.

James knew Regulus wanted to be hurt. If Regulus truly wanted an excuse, he could have found one by now, but instead, he let James chase after him every single time.

“Are you okay, honey?”

James shook his head to clear the thoughts as he looked up at his mother. “Yeah, Ma, I’m fine.”

She surveyed him for a moment, and James felt his heart drop. What if she knows? Knows what? James didn’t know, there was a plethora of things to choose from. James’ partying, his slipping grades, his relationship with Regulus… it went on. The worst part however was the fact that James was afraid she’d probably be understanding. She was like that.

James’ mother was the best person he had ever known. She took on the world with such grace and understanding, that James often looked at his parents and wondered how they had made him.

If James spilled his guts right now, if he told her everything… she’d probably just pull him into her arms and hold him close. James wanted nothing more than to sob into his mother’s arms, but he couldn’t. She had cancer. She was tired and in pain, James could never add more to her plate. She had more than enough to worry about.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Mom,” James said, sure to whine a little so he sounded more like a child. Someone who was brushing off his mother’s incessant worrying, not someone who was breaking at the seams.

James felt a lot older than he was. He knew he was young, but the past few years felt like a million different lives. It felt like he’d been through the wringer, and now he was just… Tired, wasn’t the right word. He wasn’t tired. He was angry and agitated and just done. Every night, James thought too loud. He wanted to rip himself apart, and even then, he was still afraid he’d be lacking something. James just wanted more, more, more, to the point where he was afraid there would always be a hole inside of him. He was afraid that he’d keep trying to fill it, and it’d keep getting bigger.

He loved Regulus. He’d never say it aloud, but he knew it was true. But… James wanted more from him too. He wanted Regulus to never look at anyone else, to never stray out of James’ reach. That scared him. He didn’t want to be one of those possessive crazy boyfriends. Though saying Regulus was James’ boyfriend at all, was debatable. They were something, but dating was not what it was. Dating would include going on dates, they didn’t do that. They fucked and talked. They got so close that James thought he could just push his soul into Regulus’ mouth and have him bite down. But they did not date.

“Okay…” Effie Potter said gently. She reached out to squeeze James’ shoulder, shooting him a warm smile. “But you can always tell me anything, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” James mumbled.

He did know. Knowing wasn’t the problem, burdening his mother was. Burdening anyone. He didn’t think they deserved to carry that weight. James didn’t even want to carry it.

James ate his food quickly before heading upstairs to dress. He didn’t know exactly where Sirius would be today, but it wasn’t hard to guess. One thing was for certain, he wasn’t at the Black’s house. So that left either, Moony’s, Remus's, or Peter’s houses. Maybe, he’d be wherever Regulus was, but these days the chances of that seemed slim. They acted like everything was fine, but they’d all noticed a distance between Regulus and Sirius. James had tried to breach the subject, but Sirius had deflected, waving it off, and Regulus had simply clammed up.

God. James loved Stillcreek, he really did. But sometimes, during tornado season, he hoped a twister would just take some of it out, shake the place up a little. A near-death experience might make them all appreciate life a little more, and maybe, finally, something would crack open. It felt like everything was building around them, tensions, rising. James could never keep track of who was mad at who and why these days.

True to James’ first guess, Sirius was at Moony’s. He was leaning over the counter, talking to Remus who was organizing menus on the other side. At least, the two of them seemed totally fine.

“Hey,” James greeted as he pushed through the door.

“Hey, James!” Sirius brightened at his appearance. “I was wondering when you’d be around.”

“Yeah, sorry I slept late,” James grimaced.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Sirius said waving a hand carelessly. Despite his nonchalance, there was the hint of something James couldn’t read in Sirius’ eyes. He didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling like he was being seen right through.

“What are our plans for today?” James asked sliding into a seat. “Where’s Reg and Pete?”

“Peter is helping his mum at the church, no idea where Reggie is,” Sirius shrugged.

“Still in a mood after refusing to come last night?”

The full weight of both Remus and Sirius’ gazes were suddenly turned on James and he paused, shifting uneasily.

“What?” James questioned.

It was Remus who spoke, his eyes flicking to Sirius for a moment before back to James. “Regulus came last night.”

James shook his head. “I- oh. I didn’t know that.”

“He took you home,” Sirius said slowly. “Were you really that drunk?”

James searched through his memories, trying to place an image of Regulus at the party, but he came up empty-handed. He remembered a faint feeling of warmth, but that was it. Regulus was there? What had James done? Was Regulus mad—or rather still mad?

“Oh,” James said dumbly. “I don’t remember.” He shrugged it off like the thought didn’t settle uncomfortably in his chest. He was afraid of what he might have said. Could he have drunkenly driven Regulus off? James hadn’t thus far, and Regulus had dealt with drunk James plenty of times, but they’d both been angry yesterday. James hoped he hadn’t ruined anything.

“Yeah, I gathered,” Sirius said simply, his mouth twisted into something unhappy and disapproving.

James stood, despite the fact that he’d just gotten there. “I should go find Reg,” he said quickly, barely even bothering to exchange farewells before he was booking it back out of the diner.

James found Regulus exactly where he thought he would, in the woods, on top of the broken car, eyes glazed over as he stared out into the trees.

“Regulus?”

Regulus straightened suddenly as he realized he wasn’t alone, gaze snapping to James.

“Good,” he muttered after a brief moment of silence. “You didn’t die in your sleep.”

“You could sound happier,” James shook his head, but he crossed the clearing anyway, taking a seat beside Regulus.

“I’m not happy,” Regulus said under his breath, and James couldn’t refute that.

They sat in silence for a while, James wanted to break it but he was afraid of saying the wrong thing. He looked down at his hands, picking at the skin of his cuticles. Still, Regulus didn’t say a word.

“I had a dream about you,” James said finally.

James saw Regulus become suddenly still in his peripheral vision. He didn’t dare look up from his hands, unsure of what it meant.

“Did you?” Regulus asked quietly, like maybe he didn’t really want to know at all.

“Yeah,” James barreled forward anyway. “I don’t really know what it was about, I just remember you being there, feeling you there.”

“Well at least it wasn’t a nightmare.”

James frowned, turning his head this time. “I don’t have nightmares about you.”

Regulus scoffed at that. He was still looking straight ahead despite the fact that James’ gaze was fixed on him. “I have them about you.”

James didn’t know what to say to that, the words triggering a strange fight or flight response. James stiffened, and for a moment he was frozen in his spot. Regulus still didn’t look over, and James was suddenly frustrated by it. He jumped off the car’s hood, moving to stand in front of Regulus so he couldn’t avoid looking him.

“What do you mean?” James demanded.

Regulus scoffed, but he didn’t try to escape James’ gaze, looking him dead in the eye. “I don’t think you understand what you put me through.”

James bit at the inside of his cheek, resisting the urge to grab Regulus by the face. “Did you come to the party last night?” he demanded.

Regulus was still, but something in his gaze contained a barely suppressed flinch. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

Regulus scowled, irritation rearing its head. “I came to pick your drunk ass up and take you home.”

“And that’s all?” James questioned.

“Yes,” Regulus said tightly. “I picked you up and dropped you off at your house. That was it. That is what you’re doing to me.”

James felt a rush of guilt at Regulus’ words, the hurt look in his eyes.

“I- I don’t mean to—”

“It doesn’t matter what you mean because you’re doing it.”

James closed his mouth, unable to disagree. Regulus was right. James was hurting him, and they’d become so used to this take and take, that it didn’t really register anymore. It was always just hurt. That was all they did, all they ever were. James couldn’t even say there was a time when it’d been different. He wished he could.

But looking back, it’d only ever been a constant battle between them. Even the good parts were tainted by the looming knowledge that this couldn’t—and wouldn’t—last forever. James didn’t think himself any more capable of letting go than continuing like this.

He remembered what his mother always said. “Something’s got to give.” She was probably right, and James felt like he was holding his breath. Waiting for the day one of them reached their final straw.

“Okay,” was all James said. Though he wanted to scream you’re hurting me too. I know you’re doing it on purpose.

“Okay,” Regulus repeated stiffly. It wasn’t a question, but it didn’t feel like an agreement either. It just sat uselessly between them, and James wanted to reach out to touch Regulus, but it didn’t feel like the right time.

James’ head was too loud. He wished he could quiet it, but it didn’t feel right to leave Regulus right now. Not when it still felt like James was being looked right through.

“Regulus?” James said, a quiet plea. It was probably pathetic, but James just wanted Regulus to look at James like he knew him.

It worked. Regulus’ gaze flickered, eyes sharpening as they honed in on James. For a moment they just stared off, and James wondered what Regulus was thinking behind the story grey of his eyes. After a long, tension-filled pause, Regulus cracked. James watched as before James’ eyes, Regulus softened.

He hesitated before holding out his hand. James took it, letting Regulus pull him in to stand between his legs. James leaned forward pressing his forehead to Regulus’ and together they just breathed. The world was silent, and James remembered why he’d done all of this.

It was for the way his world narrowed down to the heat of Regulus’ skin, the beat of his pulse as James let go of Regulus’ hand to run his thumb over the pulse point in his wrist.

I love you, I love you, I love you, James thought. He didn’t dare speak it aloud, he was afraid Regulus would hate him for it, but he still felt it. James pulled back to find Regulus’ lips in a soft kiss. All lingering tension instantly melted away as Regulus melted into James. This, this, this. James wanted to scream. How could Regulus think that this could be wrong when the universe seemed to click into place when they were close?

“James,” Regulus whispered when they broke apart, James only pausing to bite at Regulus’ bottom lip playfully as he drew back.

“Hm?”

Regulus didn’t speak, he just reached up to cup James’ face. “I…”

James would never find out what it was Regulus meant to say. A part of him wondered… but the words never came, and eventually Regulus just shook his head, and let go.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally. But James knew that wasn’t what he meant.

I love you. That’s what you mean to say, isn’t it?

James couldn’t blame Regulus for being unable to say it. James couldn’t either.

He let it go, but he sent the thought up to the sky. He hoped if there was any higher power whether that be some sort of god or just the living beating heart of the earth itself, that it would tie a string between James and Regulus so they could never lose each other.

Let me have him, let me keep him. Oklahoma don’t bleed me dry.

Peter

__

James Potter ruined Peter Pettigrew’s life.

It was a few days after the party when James came to see Peter, which was rare these days, it was never the two of them anymore. So Peter was excited that his friend was spending time with him, until of course, he realized that James just wanted something.

“Can you do me a favor?”

Peter frowned, turning to look at his friend. James’ eyes were hopeful, and for once, his attention was turned fully on Peter. It sent excitement up Peter’s spine, and he sat up. Finally, James remembered they were best friends too.

“Sure,” he said against his better judgment.

“I just need you to get some drinks for me.”

Peter paused, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. “Huh?” he questioned, hoping his voice didn’t come out panicked.

“I swear it won’t be any trouble, I know the guy well. You’ve just got to give him the money and ask him to get whatever, he’ll buy it, bring it out for you, and you’re good.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“Ugh, he doesn’t want to sell to me anymore,” James sighed, but he didn’t explain why that was.

“Then why would he sell to me?”

“Just don’t mention me,” James shrugged. “He won’t have a problem with you.”

“I- I don’t know James…” Peter said rubbing the back of his neck. “It doesn’t seem like a good idea.”

“Come on, Peter. I promise it’s nothing, it’ll be easy. I’ll go with you and everything, I’ve just got to hang back so he doesn’t know it’s me. He buys alcohol for tons of people at school. It’s not like you’re the only person to ever do it.”

Peter shouldn’t have agreed. He had a bad feeling. Why wouldn’t this guy sell to James anymore? Peter wasn’t the type to illegally buy alcohol, he didn’t usually even drink. It just wasn’t his thing, but James was asking, and Peter would feel bad leaving his friend hanging. James never asked anything of Peter, and he’d done him plenty of favors. He always went out of his way to try and get Peter dates or help him climb the social ladder, Peter owed him.

“I mean… I guess I can do it?” Peter said tentatively.  

“Great!” James smiled brightly, and Peter was glad he’d made his friend happy. He swallowed around the unease building in his throat. It would probably be fine.

__

“Okay,” James said grabbing Peter by the shoulders. They were in a dark corner a good distance away from the parking lot, and Peter felt his nerves building. “Just ask him for exactly what I told you too.”

“Do you have the money?”

James patted his pockets, pulling out a wad of cash. He flipped through it, frowning. “Shit this isn’t enough,” he frowned.

“Oh, then I guess we better just come back—”

“No, no. Just tell him you’ll pay half today and get the rest to him later. Tell him you’re good for your money, and that you know what he’ll do if you don’t get it to him.”

“What will he do?” Peter asked, his voice squeaking in alarm.

“Don’t worry about it, doesn’t matter. I’ll get you the rest of the money soon and you can give it to him.”

Peter swallowed. This felt like a very bad idea, he didn’t want to do this. But… James was relying on him. Peter could show that he was trustworthy, he could prove his worth. He wasn’t just a nerdy virgin who no one liked. He could be cool. James apparently did this all the time anyway. Peter could be like James.

“Okay?” Peter said hesitantly, his heart pounding in his ears.

James patted Peter reassuringly on the shoulder. “You’ll be fine, I believe in you, Pete.”

That belief was enough to get Peter to cross the parking lot, finding the man he was looking for in a shadowed corner.

“Mulciber, right?” Peter asked, trying not to let his voice shake.

“Yeah,” was all the man said, eyeing Peter like he was some sort of prey.

The man was tall, and muscled with a thick neck, sharp eyes, and tattoos painted across his skin. Peter tried not to wet himself in fear. He quickly gave Mulciber the list of drinks.

“Money?” he asked, getting right to the point.

“Uh—” Peter pulled the wad of cash from his pocket, handing it over. “It’s not all of it,” Peter hurried to explain as Mulciber leafed through the money with an unimpressed gaze. “B-but I’m good for my money, I promise.” Mulciber raised an unimpressed brow and Peter hurried to continue. “I uh- I know what you do to people who aren’t good for their money,” he tried hesitantly.

“Good,” Mulciber said, his gaze dark and unamused. “I’ll hunt you to the edges of the earth, don’t test me. You have a week to get me the other half.”

“Okay,” Peter said instantly, just surprised it had even worked.

With one last threatening look, Mulciber disappeared into the shop. Peter waited nervously in the dark. A few minutes later the older man returned, bag in hand. “One week,” he said threateningly before shoving the alcohol into Peter’s hands. The bag was heavy, and Peter almost dropped it. God, how much alcohol did James need. Why did he need this much? Was he planning on throwing some sort of party?

Peter had never gotten out of anywhere so quickly in his life. He found James where he’d left him, waiting expectantly.

“Got it?” he asked, reaching out his hand for the bag as Peter approached.

“Yeah, I need the rest of the money in the next week, or I think he’ll beat my ass.”

“I’ll get it to you,” James said distractedly, looking through the bag, presumedly to make sure everything was there.

“Good?” Peter questioned.

James looked up, smiling as he met Peter’s eyes. “Perfect, thanks, Pete, I owe you one.”

“Uh, nah, don’t worry about it.” Peter paused, eyeing the bag. “What do you need that much for anyway? Are you throwing a party?”

“Something like that,” James shrugged, not offering up a proper explanation.

Peter was starting to notice that. The way James shrugged things off. His nonchalant manner made it easy to look past, and Peter had never thought of it much before but now… he wondered what James was hiding.

__

Peter pulled James aside at lunch a few days later.

“James, the money?” he questioned nervously. He’d been waiting, assuming James would just give it to him, but he hadn’t yet, and Peter was starting to get anxious.

“Don’t worry about it,” James smiled. “I just need a little more time to scrounge it up. I’ll have it by the end of the week.”

“You don’t have it?” Peter asked, his voice rising. “James!”

“It’s fine, Pete. I’m telling you I do this all the time, I’ll get it.”

“How?”

“I just will. Stop shitting yourself.”

“I- James. Why won’t Mulciber sell to you anymore?”

“Hm, he doesn’t like me much.”

“I’m sure he sells to a lot of people he doesn’t like.”

“Yeah,” James shrugged. “He has a special dislike for me. But he doesn’t know I was involved. Just give me a few days, I’ll get the money.”

Peter didn’t know how James planned to do that, but he didn’t seem worried, so Peter tried to swallow his panic. When had James ever led him astray?

“Okay, just hurry up, please. You’re stressing me out.”

“I’m on it, I promise.”

Now Peter was more perceptive than people seemed to think he was. He wasn’t dumb, he just wasn’t very good at school. He knew how to notice things, and he’d noticed plenty.

Sometimes he got tired of noticing things and no one noticing him. When that happened, he liked to walk. This particular day he was in the woods.

He normally tried to stay far away from the Black’s property, because he was sure Orion Black wouldn’t hesitate to pull out his shotgun if he heard someone in the trees. However, Peter’s mind was wandering.

He wasn’t really paying attention as he walked, instead replaying every interaction he’d ever had in his head. He was comparing himself to his friends and other people he knew, a favorite pastime of his. Peter was very depressingly wondering what was wrong with him. Why he couldn’t just be like everyone else. What they had that he didn’t.

Peter didn’t know how to be cool or effortless. He’d spent years trying to emulate it, but it just never worked. He wasn’t that person. He couldn’t be that person no matter what he changed about himself or how hard he tried.

He admittedly was a bit in his head, which was why he almost tripped when he suddenly registered voices. Peter froze, ready to turn the other way, when he realized he recognized them.

“…I didn’t come out here to fight with you again, James!”

“Really? Then why are you here? It’s not like we ever do anything else.”

“Because you’re always instigating!”

“I’m instigating? Oh that’s fucking rich, Regulus. Do you really lack that much self-awareness?”

“Now you’re just throwing words out there. I’m not the one who lacks self-awareness. I’m not convinced you even know what the word means! You’re the one who went and bought alcohol when you said you’d calm down!”

“You’re the one who got in my business! I can’t believe you’d do that! You fucking went to Mulciber and paid him off to never sell to me again, that’s sick!”

Peter blinked, a shocked hand going to his mouth so he wouldn’t make a sound. He couldn’t see James and Regulus, but it was clearly them. It was them, mid-argument talking about… the fact that Regulus was the reason James couldn’t buy from Mulciber anymore?

“No, you’re sick! Can’t you see that? You have a problem! You’re so sick that you manipulated Peter into doing it for you just because you know he worships the ground you walk on! You knew you could twist his little insecurities for your own gain!”

Peter felt his stomach drop. He knew how insecure he was, but someone else saying it aloud sent a chill washing over him.

“Yeah, so what I used him? Boo-hoo, I didn’t realize you were so morally superior, Regulus! Maybe you should have considered the consequences before you went behind my back!”

So what I used him?  Peter felt sick being spoken of that way. Like he was a tool to use, someone of zero importance.

“The consequences? Of what?” Caring for you?” Regulus snapped, his voice brittle. “Is that a crime, James? I thought you were the one who tried to tell me it wasn’t a sin. Now you want to act like it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done—”

“Maybe it is! Don’t you see? You can get on my ass about how much I’m hurting you, but you have no idea what it’s like! I live, breathe, and die for you, and I know you’ll never be mine! I know you’ll always keep me at arm’s length—”

“I don’t!” Regulus protested, and Peter had never heard him speak so loudly. Not even when he was arguing with Sirius. “I have always given you far more than I should and it’s not enough for you!”

“But it’ll always be a secret! I’ll always be you’re dirty fucking secret and you make me feel like I’m some… s-something wrong!” James yelled, his voice cracking on the last word. He sounded angry like Peter had never heard him. Devastated.

“What do you want me to do? Walk into the center of town and tell everyone that I let James Potter fuck me? Is that what you want James? To deal with that aftermath?”

Peter’s shock gave way to something else at the words. For a second he was completely thrown through a loop, and then… it all clicked into place.

The way James had so quickly and fully chosen Regulus. The arguments, the little touches under the table. The way Regulus was the one to pick James up from the party.

James had a drinking problem and Regulus knew because they were… what? Hooking up? Dating? It didn’t make sense.

Regulus was extremely religious. He made a face whenever a gay couple was on TV. He wore a cross around his neck every day. And James liked girls. Right? He’d dated them. Except… he hadn’t in a while. Not since Regulus had started high school. Not since they’d probably started dating/maybe-hooking-up.

They were still arguing, but suddenly Peter needed to get as far away as possible.

He wasn’t supposed to be here he shouldn’t know these things. He hurried in the other direction, careful not to make a noise as he departed.

Suddenly everything made sense and somehow didn’t. James and Regulus were together? Like together, together? How did that work? Did they even like each other?

No wonder James didn’t want to spend time with Peter anymore, he found something much more interesting.

__

It took a lot of courage to go to James the next day. Peter was not a courageous person, but he was more afraid of Mulciber than he was of James, and time was ticking by. It was almost the end of the week. Peter was not going to get jumped just because James couldn’t pay Mulciber off.

“James,” Peter caught him by the arm after school. “Can I talk to you real quick?”

James raised an eyebrow, looking at where Sirius and Remus were departing before turning back to Peter.

“Uh, sure,” he said easily. He called to Remus and Sirius before they departed. “We’ll catch up! See y’all later.”

Remus waved them goodbye, and Sirius saluted in response. Regulus was nowhere to be seen today, and Peter wondered what had happened. Maybe that argument was the end of James and Regulus’ relationship.

Finding a secluded area, Peter turned on James. He crossed his arms, hoping it made him seem more in control. He needed James to take him seriously.

“James, I need the money. I needed it ages ago, actually. It’s almost been a week, and Mulciber has been trying to reach me. He called my home phone this morning and I had to lie through my teeth to my parents. I can’t do this. He’s going to kill me if I don’t get him the rest of the money.”

“He won’t kill you,” James waved Peter off. “I told you I’m—”

“Working on it? Yeah, that’s what you’ve been saying, but funnily enough, it’s not your ass that’s on the line, James!”

“I’ll take care of it.”

“You get me the money by tomorrow,” Peter said, surprising himself with his own resolve.

“That’s too soon, I don’t have it.”

“I don’t care!” Peter said his voice rising. “You should have had it from the beginning, or you shouldn’t have sent me to buy it!” He could admit his voice shook, as James’ gaze hardened, but he refused to give up.

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, Peter. I can’t give you money I don’t have.”

“You’ll get it! Do whatever you have to do, steal from your parents, I don’t know.”

“I’m not doing that,” James said crossing his arms. “Just give me a few more days.

He wasn’t going to break, Peter knew that. He knew his friend. James was stubborn, and Peter was desperately holding onto his backbone already. If they kept this conversation up, Peter would buckle, James would win, and then Mulciber would probably bring a shotgun to Peter’s house in the middle of the night.

There was fear rising in his throat, and suddenly the words were out before he could think them through. “If you don’t get me the money tomorrow, I’ll tell everyone about Regulus.”

James blinked; the moment froze. For a second, James just stared open-mouthed.

“What?” James choked out.

Peter shifted, but he’d already said it, it was too late.

“I—” He squared his shoulders determinedly. He was only standing up for himself. James had always encouraged him to stand his ground, he couldn’t be mad that now Peter was doing it to James. “If you don’t get me the money tomorrow, I will tell everyone that you and Regulus are in some gay relationship.”

For the first time ever, James seemed completely and utterly speechless, fear flashing across his face.

“We’re not,” he protested uselessly.

“I know you are.”

“I- no. How?” There was panic in James’ voice, his fists were clenched at his sides.

“I saw the two of you, in the woods.”

“You misunderstood.”

“I heard Regulus say you fuck him.”

James, it seemed, had nothing to say to that. He opened his mouth before closing it uselessly. When he finally managed to force a sentence out, his voice was strained, and Peter could have sworn he looked like he was about to cry. “You can’t, you can’t do that,” he pleaded. “Don’t you understand how dangerous it is? We’ll get fucking beat to death. It’ll ruin Regulus’ life. The only thing worse than the public ridicule is what his parents will do. Peter, they’ll kill him. You can’t. Please, please, please,” James begged. “Please, Peter, I’ll do anything, just don’t tell anyone.”

“I don’t want to,” Peter swallowed. “I’m not trying to ruin your life, but if you don’t give me money to pay Mulciber with, you’ll ruin mine. All because you needed alcohol so bad. Aren’t you ashamed of the fact that you used me? Or do you not even care?”

“It wasn’t like that, I asked for a favor, you agreed.”

“You withheld a lot of information,” Peter said bitterly. “I’m not your pawn to do whatever you want with. Just give me the rest of the money you owe, and I’ll never say a word.”

“I don’t have the money,” James said frustratedly, his jaw clenched and eyes glassy.

“I’m sorry James, figure it out.”

Peter could admit, he did feel just a little powerful as he left James standing there with tears in his eyes. Peter had been manipulated and used more times than he could count. Maybe it was time for James Potter to get a taste of his own medicine. Peter didn’t really want to tell anyone about James and Regulus. He knew James was right, it wasn’t just social suicide, it was actually dangerous to be gay in Stillcreek. But it was fine. It wouldn’t come to that. James would be spurred on to actually get the money, Peter would hand it over to Mulciber and all would be well.

Still, Peter couldn’t ignore the pang of guilt in his chest. He had a bad feeling about all of this. Even if James deserved it.

James

__

For a moment after Peter had left him, James just stood there. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t fathom what was going to happen.

James would have stolen the money. That was what he’d decided to do when Peter had begun pleading with him. He didn’t want to, but he would if it came down to that or putting his friend in danger.

And then… then Peter had turned everything James thought he knew about his friend on its head.

Peter knew about Regulus. He knew and he was going to tell everyone.

James’ life would probably be ruined, his social standing obliterated, but his parents wouldn’t mind. They probably wouldn’t get it, but they wouldn’t punish him or hate him for liking boys. But Regulus? Regulus and his cross? Regulus who went to church every Sunday? Regulus whose parents already hurt him? They’d destroy him. Regulus would destroy himself if anyone ever found out. He was so full of self-loathing; he’d never been kind to himself. But if anyone knew, it’d be the last straw, the thing to tip him over the edge.

James had never wanted it like this. He didn’t want Regulus to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. He didn’t want to be another sin on Regulus’ roster, a dirty little secret. But James had always thought that they should tell Sirius, that they should run away and go somewhere they could be themselves. Not that Regulus should out himself to the entire town. James just wanted Regulus to stop living in denial, James didn’t want Regulus ruined by it.

There was no plan.

Years later, James would lay up at night trying to convince himself of this. He didn’t plan it.

Once he was able to move again, he headed towards home, his mind a blur. His parents were out when he got there, and he pulled out his collection of bottles he had stashed away. One only had a few gulps left, and James quickly downed it. It wasn’t enough to dull the pain, or actually make him drunk, but at least he felt a bit more normal. Everything wasn’t quite so loud.

He shoved the empty bottles in his backpack.

James didn’t plan it.

He was going to go discard of them, somewhere where his parents couldn’t accidentally stumble upon them in the trash. He only had to make a pit stop first.

James just wanted to go see Peter, so once he left his house, he headed in the direction of Peter’s.

Admittedly, James wasn’t thinking much.

The only thing on his mind was Regulus. Regulus who James knew he loved, though he could never say it. Regulus, who at some point in time, had taken over every space in James’ life, heart, body, and mind.

James knocked on the Pettigrew’s door, smiling as Mrs. Pettigrew opened it, greeting James warmly.

“Hi, sweetheart, Peter isn’t here.” Of course he wasn’t, he was probably with Sirius and Remus at Moony’s.

So why was James there? He didn’t know. He didn’t know even as he lied to Mrs. Pettigrew’s face.

“Oh, sorry,” James said quickly. “I borrowed his textbook today. I was going to return it. I can just go drop it in his room if that’s okay?”

Peter and James had been friends their entire life, Mrs. Pettigrew smiled, stepping back to let James in. “Of course, I’ll let him know you were by.”

James shot her a grateful smile before hurrying up the stairs to Peter’s room. It was the same as it always was, blue flannel sheets, comics stacked up on the bookshelf, but poorly hidden by other books and various trinkets.

James paused, carefully shutting the door behind him. James swore he hadn’t planned it, but he was there now, and the opportunity presented itself.

He had to do something. He couldn’t let Peter out Regulus’ sexuality.

Pulling off his backpack, James unzipped it, looking around the room. After a moment, he kneeled in front of the bed. Pulling out the empty bottles of alcohol. James carefully deposited the bottles under the bed before fixing the sheets hanging down so they looked undisturbed.

He stood, swallowing as he zipped back up his now lighter backpack, and headed down the stairs.

Mr. and Mrs. Pettigrew were in the living room as James came down the stairs. The TV was on, and James paused in the doorway.

“Mr. and Mrs. Pettigrew?” he called.

Mrs. Pettigrew grabbed the remote, turning down the TV before turning to look at James.

“What is it, James? Everything okay?”

“Uh, no,” James swallowed. “It’s about Peter… I think he’s gotten himself in some trouble.”

Chapter Text

If it's meant to be then it will be

So I met him there and told him I believe

Singing, "If it's meant to be then it will be"

I forgive it all as it comes back to me

Peter

__

Peter did not visit his parents as often as he should have. The truth was, he avoided Stillcreek these days. It wasn’t that he didn’t love it, he did. He had a lot of fond memories of growing up there, but almost every single one of them was tainted now. He knew that certain people he never wished to see again were no longer in town, but it was the whispers that kept him away. The idea of spending even a second in that town knowing what people remembered him as.

Peter had left it all behind. Moved to a big city in Texas where he reinvented himself. He was now fresh out of law school with his first real job and proper paychecks. He never really nailed the effortlessly cool thing, but people liked Peter, and he liked where his life was heading.

He truly felt self-assured, like everything was falling into place. It was why this time when his parents asked him to visit, Peter agreed. They were getting older; he wasn’t going to force them to come here. And after all, what was he even afraid of? Peter was an adult, he was secure enough. None of the things that kept him out of Stillcreek were even there anymore.

“Anything you want to do while you’re here, Pete?” his dad asked over dinner on Peter’s first night home.

He considered that for a second, a thought crossing his mind. “Actually… Remus owns Moony’s now, doesn’t he?”

Peter saw both of his parents perk up at the mention of his old friends. They’d never understood why he cut ties with them all. “James was only looking out for you,” they always said. Yeah, fucking right. James was looking out for himself and never cared who he brought down in the process. The thought left a bitter taste in Peter’s mouth.

“Yes, he does,” Peter’s dad said with a serious nod. “Are you going to go say hello?”

“I’m considering,” Peter said with a shrug. Remus was fine, Remus was great really. He’d never done anything wrong. In fact, he’d been abandoned by James and Sirius, so they probably had some things in common. Peter had just always been scared that his old friend might see him differently. Or that they couldn’t be friends without James and Sirius there.

It didn’t help that for years Peter had cut out anything he could associate with what had happened. Remus was unfortunately one of those things. But now… Peter was different, he felt different. Surely, he could just pop into the diner and catch up with Remus for a little while, no harm. It’d probably be nice, actually.

“Wonderful, Remus is a good boy,” Peter’s mother said approvingly. “He works hard, brought that diner back from the edge. I’m sure it’d be lovely to catch up.”

“Yeah,” Peter agreed quietly. “I think it would.”

A changed man or not, Peter did have to work up a bit of nerve to go visit Moony’s. He had to drill it through his mind. You survived worse than this. You made it through law school, you can step through the front door of a fucking diner.

Yes, Peter could do this.

He stepped inside and was instantly transported back to the past. Not much had changed inside the restaurant. He remembered endless days spent inside, piled into a booth with his friends. When youth felt like it’d last forever.

For a moment, he froze. Until there was a voice calling from the counter. “Peter?”

Peter blinked. He turned, and there was Remus Lupin. He wasn’t that different. He didn’t really look different. But there was something in the strong line of his shoulders that showed how he’d aged. He seemed strong, in control. Remus had always been on the meeker side. Not as much as Peter, but compared to Sirius and James, he was quiet, studious, and a little nerdier. He’d always been truly a kind soul, and his charm came in a soft, quiet way. But that had always been the difference between Remus and Peter, his awkwardness was charming while Peter’s was off-putting.

“Hey, Remus,” Peter nodded, crossing the room to stop in front of the counter.

“Jesus, I’m having déjà vu,” Remus muttered, more to himself than Peter. He wondered if Remus was thinking the same thing about how little the diner had changed, or if the déjà vu was something else Peter didn’t understand. “What on earth are you doing here? I didn’t know you were in town.” Peter thought if it were anyone else, he might have taken it as accusing, but Remus’ eyes were friendly, and he seemed exasperated by something else that wasn’t Peter’s presence.

“I figured I owed my parents a visit,” Peter admitted. “They’ve trekked out to me too much; it was my turn.”

“Ah? Where you at now?”

“Texas,” Peter said, before adding just a tad proudly. “I just finished law school not too long ago.”

“No shit? Law school? Wow, Pete, that’s impressive. I’m glad to hear it.” Remus sounded so genuine Peter couldn’t help but smile. God, he didn’t know what he’d been so afraid of.

“Yeah, yeah,” Peter said, waving a hand. He felt a little bashful by the fact that Remus seemed to be impressed. He still wasn’t quite used to impressing people. “What about you? I hear you took this place over. How’s it been.”

“Ah, you know, I can’t complain. I grew up in this diner, couldn’t imagine doing anything else.”

Peter thought Remus had been going to college out of state, so he could admit he was surprised some years back when he heard Remus owned the diner now. However, he figured it was best not to ask. He did know Hope Lupin had died, and that didn’t seem like a can of worms he should open at the moment.

“That’s right,” Peter said instead. “This place feels like home.”

The door opened with a jingle and Remus paused in whatever he was about to say as a customer stepped through. “Remus!”

“Sorry,” Remus muttered to Peter, looking over his shoulder at the woman. “Yes, Susanna?”

“You seen Black?”

Peter froze. Black?

“No,” Remus said simply.

“Well you deliver a message for me, if Regulus doesn’t fix that fucking pump I swear to god—”

“I am not delivering your message. He should be at the gas station now, go bother him, not me.”

Oh… Regulus. Regulus was still here, not Sirius. That made a lot more sense. But… Remus and Regulus were close enough that Susanna was looking to Remus to pass on a message?

“No, I want food.”

Remus just shook his head, shooting Peter a discreet look.

“Also!” Susanna continued, sitting herself down at the counter. “I heard Gideon was looking for him. So tell him that.”

“Does no one in this town own a phone?” Remus muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Peter to catch it. “Alright, alright,” Remus told her. He turned back to Peter. “Sorry to cut this short,” he said apologetically. “But why don’t you come by for dinner tonight? Unless you have plans?”

“I’ve got none,” Peter said. His chest felt warm, and he felt strangely giddy. He was glad he’d come by to see Remus, maybe not all of Stillcreek was as bad as he’d thought it.

“Good, come catch up. Around seven work?”

“Good with me,” Peter nodded.

“Alright, I live in the Black’s old house. Come by then.”

Peter paused, his brain catching up with that. “Wait… you live in the Black’s house?”

“Yeah, with Reg and Pandora,” Remus said like that wasn’t the strangest thing Peter had ever heard. “I’ll make sure Pandora doesn’t make mac and cheese. Her daughter Luna is obsessed with it, I swear I’ve been waiting for the fixation to pass for months. Can’t let the children rule our lives.”

“I—” That felt like a lot of new information all at once. Peter didn’t remember much about Pandora, aside from the fact that she’d been Regulus’ friend. He also didn’t really want to see Regulus if Remus lived with him but… there was never any bad blood between them, right? It’s not like Regulus knew that Peter knew he was gay. And he definitely didn’t know Peter had used that information to blackmail James. The reminder caused Peter’s stomach to twist, but he just nodded, shooting Remus a smile. “Okay, then I’ll see you tonight.”

“Perfect. Glad you’re here, Pete.”

Peter could have sworn there was something lingering in Remus’ gaze. Like he wanted to say something else, but he didn’t. Remus turned to his customer instead, and Peter left. He decided to ignore the strange feeling like he was missing something. Things changed, even in Stillcreek.

Sirius

__

Sirius was angry. It was not a new emotion.

Sometimes he was pretty sure he’d been angry his entire life. There’s never been a moment when it wasn’t bubbling just under his skin, waiting to boil over.

It took exactly seven minutes and a few broken belongings for Sirius to stomp back downstairs breathing heavily.

Lily was still standing in the kitchen. She looked to Sirius when he entered, waiting.

“Maybe I should go back to New York,” Sirius said flatly.

“Is really that how you’re dealing with this?” Lily asked gently. She was never afraid to tell things in her honest but kind way. Usually, Sirius admired that. Now, he wanted to hit something.

“I—” Yes. Sirius wanted to just dip and get out of here. He wanted to leave all the hard parts behind, the guilt echoing in his mind. James’ words rebounding against the walls of his skull.

You need to stop hating him for not being you.

That wasn’t true, was it? Sirius knew Regulus wasn’t the same as he was. He’d never expected him to be. He just thought that maybe Regulus would try harder. Maybe he would want to shake off the grip of their parents. But Regulus was content to stay as he’d always been. Just like their parents. Just like a Black.

Is he though? A sneaky voice whispered in the back of his mind, trying to dismantle everything Sirius thought he knew.

Is he just like them?

You were in that house, you met his son. You saw what it was like.

Warm was the only way Sirius could describe it.

He thought about Cassie, the child that Regulus had helped bring into the world. Cassiopeia Black. A Black. A Black who was growing up in that house with no fear of being hurt. Who raced through the halls, never needing to quiet his footsteps or watch his volume. A Black who wasn’t in pain or expecting to be.

Sirius wondered what would happen if one day Cassie came to Regulus and said: “Dad, I’m gay.” What would he do? Would Regulus be fine with it? Sirius needed to know. Suddenly he needed to know more than he’d ever needed anything.

He needed to crack open every aspect of Regulus’ life and know who he was now.

What if James was right?

Sirius didn’t want to believe it because he didn’t hate Regulus. Sirius meant that. Maybe he’d thought he did once, but when he came back here, he’d just wanted to see his brother. That was all. Not to scold him or hurt him or hate him. Just to see that boy with his own eyes. Nothing had happened in the way Sirius expected it but… Cassie was Regulus’ son and Regulus? Regulus was Sirius’. Sirius had raised him.

He wished he’d been a bit older, that there were more years between them so Sirius could have figured out how to do it right. Instead, it was the blind leading the blind, and by the time Sirius saw his chance to leave, he was tired. Tired of singlehandedly raising Regulus since Sirius was a toddler himself.

If either of them was like their parents, maybe it was Sirius. He’d been the one to hold Regulus when he was first born, looking down in his wide baby eyes, Sirius had thought mine. Regulus was Sirius’ responsibility, his to take care of because no one else would. And who took care of Sirius? No one. No one until James.

James… Shit.

Sirius was angry. He was, but not so much that he didn’t regret bringing up James’ parents like that.

“Fuck,” Sirius said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Sirius…” Lily stepped forward, putting a hand on his arm. “I know all this is a lot. I don’t pretend to understand all the history here but… I’ve watched the two of you go around in circles since we got to Stillcreek. Something has to change.”

“Do I need to be the one to change it?”

“Not single-handedly…” Lily shook her head. “You can’t shoulder it all. But… there are things you can do.”

“Talk to James?” Sirius suggested. “Or… no. First, talk to Regulus.”

“If that’s what you think you need to do,” Lily said simply. “I’m here to support no matter what you decide. I love you, Sirius.”

Feeling suddenly tearful, Sirius threw his arms around Lily, hugging her tightly. “I’m so glad you came into our lives,” he muttered into her shoulder.

“Me too,” Lily said, hugging Sirius back just as tightly.

They stood there in the kitchen for a long time, the only sound was the clock ticking on the wall and the bugs singing outside. Sirius felt like something inside his chest was cracking and settling into place. Like suddenly he knew something needed to be done, and he finally had the resolve to do it.

When Sirius pulled back, he sniffed, trying not to cry. “I’m going to talk to Regulus,” he said, trying to sound more determined than he felt.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

Sirius just nodded. He swallowed. There wasn’t anything else to say, he took a deep breath.

What was it Effie always used to say? Something has to give, or something like that.

Sirius could give. He felt like he was ready to do it.

Regulus

__

The first time James kissed Regulus was in the school gym. Standing on the worn floor, in the closet surrounded by equipment that hadn’t been updated since the 60s, the world stopped, started, and ended. In retrospect, Regulus thought the whole thing felt a little ironic.

James had drawn back only seconds after their lips had met, his eyes wide, apologies falling from his lips.

“You can’t do that again,” was all Regulus had said, hand going to the cross around his neck.

James had swallowed. “Right, sorry,” he said in embarrassment. That could have been that. It wasn’t.

Because Regulus was weak. James didn’t try to kiss Regulus again, just as he’d promised. Regulus was the one to kiss him first the next time. Because once it’d happened, it burrowed under Regulus’ skin, taking root in his veins. James Potter, James Potter, James Potter.

Regulus always thought that God had put Sirius and Remus on this earth to love each other. Like they were born with that sitting in their bones. How cruel that they were never given the peace or space to actually do it.

James and Regulus were probably the same. They weren’t granted peace either, but they’d tried anyway. They’d tried against every odd and it hadn’t worked.

The day it ended, Regulus was sixteen.

It’d been ending. Regulus had watched it happen. He’d just stood there powerless as the world crumbled around him.

Regulus could say it started with James’ drinking. Maybe it was that party where James got so drunk he told Regulus he loved him and then forgot about it. The more Regulus had thought about it, the more he thought that this was a mercy from God. It was an out, and what kind of sinner would Regulus be if he didn’t take it?

But he held on.

Even the day Sirius had come in white-faced. Regulus hadn’t gone to James that night with the intention of letting go.

 “Peter is being sent away,” Sirius had whispered.

Remus and Regulus had been doing homework together in silence, until Sirius barged into the diner, disrupting the Saturday afternoon.

“What?” Remus asked, dropping his pencil. “Sirius, what do you mean?”

“I- I just heard,” Sirius said nervously. “His parents found alcohol bottles in his room, he’s in trouble with Mulciber because he owes him money for drinks. Apparently… he’s an alcoholic and his parents are sending him away to some treatment center. His dad paid Mulciber off and they don’t want to report anything to the police, but he’s getting sent to rehab.”

For a moment, no one said anything.

Remus was the one who dared to say the thought that was surely in everyone’s mind.

“But Peter isn’t an alcoholic… he rarely even drinks.”

“I know,” Sirius said, his jaw clenched.

“James is.” Regulus felt both Sirius and Remus’ heads turn to him, but he kept his gaze fixed on the table.

“Is he,” Sirius said quietly, but it wasn’t a question.

Regulus swallowed. “Yeah,” was all he said. It was the first time anyone had said in aloud before, but surely, Sirius had suspicions.

“James is the one who told Peter’s parents,” Sirius said hollowly.

Regulus jerked his head up at that.

“He what?”

Sirius just nodded his head, his expression strangely emotionless.

Regulus knew what must have happened. He could see it playing out.

Something had caused James to frame Peter for his crimes. Maybe it was something with Mulciber, maybe it was something else. Regulus didn’t know. All he knew was that something had happened, and James had fucked up big time.

It ended that night.

It was a memory Regulus still didn’t know how to swallow.

But it sat there. Like a chain wrapped around his spine, trying to pull him down, to remind him every second of every day exactly what sort of person both Regulus and James were.

So, the fraying thread between them was snipped. Not long after, James left, and Regulus remained in Stillcreek. Slow, stagnant Stillcreek. Where time passed, but everything lingered. The grooves of their history was written in every crack of the red dirt. In the weeds poking up through the sidewalks, the slightly stale air of the gas station, the smell of cigarettes.

Regulus was an adult now. He was an adult with a child of his own, but he felt strangely like he’d never grown at all.

The feeling was particularly strong now.

Regulus remembered standing behind the gas station counter as a child while his parents worked. The clang of the cash register opening and the smell of gasoline stained into the concrete were all the same.

Regulus was in charge now. Regulus was the adult. Both his parents were dead. This was his cash register, his gas station, his broken pump. His shelves, organized with snacks in exactly the same way his parents had kept them.

This was Regulus’ but really, it wasn’t. It belonged to the ghosts, the shadows hiding in the corners that the flickering fluorescent lights couldn’t touch.

The gas station was empty aside from Regulus. The late afternoon was bleeding through the window. Cutting through the artificial light with snippets of warm sunshine.

Regulus felt homesick.

He couldn’t explain how or why. He was home. He was the only place he’d ever been, but for some reason, his chest ached. The radio was on, the quality fuzzy as it played some country song on a low volume.

And Regulus had never minded this. Being alone behind the counter, the world quiet around him. But today? Today, Regulus felt sick with it.

Today, Regulus ached for the things he’d lost. The people who never left his mind no matter how much time had passed.

He almost prayed, for some ghost to burst through the door. To rip him from his stupor, break the quiet, stale air of Regulus’ life.

He couldn’t stop thinking about his conversation with Remus the other day. The way he seemed to think it was possible for Regulus to hold onto his religion and himself.

Regulus had dreamed of the past the night before, and now it had him by the throat. He couldn’t stop thinking about James, Sirius, Peter. All the things he wished he knew how to undo.

God, give me a sign. If… if what Remus said is true. If you’d love me anyway even if I’m… If I’m gay. Prove it to me. Show me that everything is going to be alright. If it’s meant to be it will be.

The bell jingled, and Regulus straightened, ready to greet a customer. He looked up, and came face to face with… a ghost?

No.

Sirius.

Sirius was standing in the doorway. The bell jingled again as the door fell shut behind him.

Oh. A sign?

“Uh, hi?” Sirius greeted hesitantly.

“Sirius?” Regulus’ voice came out raspy. He didn’t mean it to, but the last thing he’d expected was for his brother to walk through the door when Regulus was so caught up in the past that he couldn’t catch his breath.

“Do you have a minute?” Sirius asked in a rush. He sounded nervous, and Regulus didn’t know why.

“I- I mean, I guess. It’s been a slow afternoon,” Regulus mumbled.

“Okay…” Sirius begun. It was clear this was supposed to be the start of a sentence as he stepped forward. But Sirius stopped in front of the counter, and he didn’t continue.

“What?” Regulus questioned, feeling on edge.

They hadn’t talked since Sirius had left his house. Since Regulus had told Sirius and James to leave.

A part of him thought that would be that.

Surely, they were almost done cleaning up the Potter’s house and they’d both be on their way, back to their shiny lives where Regulus could pretend they were dead.

“I uh…” Sirius swallowed. “Honestly,” he said tiredly, shaking his head. “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing here.” The rawness in Sirius’ voice was enough to stop Regulus from telling his brother to get out and leave him alone.

“I don’t know either,” Regulus said quietly.

“I wanted to see you,” Sirius said suddenly. “When I came back here. That’s the only reason I agreed to come with James. I wanted to see you.”

“I know,” Regulus said stiffly. “You called me.”

“I- I know. But you don’t understand. You have no idea what all these years without you have been like. I just... I need you to understand how badly I wanted to see you. That I’m free and still, even though I hate every inch of this place… I still ached for it. For you. Leaving you never stopped hurting. And I told myself you didn’t care. I convinced myself that you were just like our parents and that I’d tried. But I- maybe I never tried. James… he said to me yesterday that I hate you for not being me. I don’t. I swear I don’t hate you, Regulus. Maybe I thought I did, but I don’t. I hate our childhood. I hate the things that happened to us here. I hate that you’ve always loved God more than you love me. I hate that you weren’t like me. That you didn’t want to leave or renounce this life. But I don’t hate you. I missed you. I missed you so much that I let myself twist it into hatred because it was easier to understand. I just… I wanted to go home,” Sirius’ voice cracked, and the emotion in it was enough to send a wave of anguish through Regulus.

“You hate it here,” Regulus choked out. “This isn’t your home.”

“It’s not… you were.”

Regulus blinked. For a second, he felt tears pushing at the backs of his eyes, and he straightened, building his walls up before anything could escape. “No,” he said forcefully. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t come here and beg me f-for… whatever it is you want. I don’t know why you expect me to believe you when you show up here out of the blue. Why now? After everything?”

Sirius didn’t seem to know how to reply to that. Maybe he didn’t know why he was here either. It was clear he hadn’t really thought it through. That was always Sirius, he felt an emotion and he acted on it. He was never one to slow down and think.

“I just…” Sirius shifted. “When I left—at least in my eyes—I’d already lost you. There’d been distance between us for years, and you pulled back. Especially in those last few weeks—”

“I broke up with James,” Regulus interrupted suddenly. “That’s why. He broke my heart, and I broke his. And being around you meant being around him. Plus, I knew you were going to go with the Potters as soon as they mentioned moving, I was protecting myself.”

“You isolated yourself.”

“I didn’t want to get hurt—”

“Did it work?” Sirius bit out accusingly. “Do you want to look me in the eye and try to tell me that it did? Should we play more fucking games, Reggie? Or can we just be honest with each other for once? What do we have to lose?”

Nothing.

Sirius and Regulus had lost everything a long time ago, and that truly hit Regulus for the first time. Sirius was probably right; they should be honest. It’s not like they could make things worse.

“I-it didn’t work,” Regulus said quietly. “I wasn’t trying to say it did, I just thought—” he broke off, unsure how to continue.

Sirius waited, and when Regulus didn’t continue, he exhaled slowly. Sirius seemed tired. Regulus truly noticed for the first time. Just how worn down his brother was. He’d always seem invincible to Regulus as a child.

“Okay,” Sirius said slowly. “Look, I’ll just… I’ll be completely honest with you. I wasn’t a very good brother to you, I know that. I was volatile and reckless. Either I babied you or I treated you like shit. I’d go on rampages or dote on you like my life depended on it. I know it tired you, I know I’ve always been a lot.”

Yeah, he had been, but that hadn’t been the problem. “I never blamed you for that,” Regulus said quickly. “I mean… something wasn’t right with you, right? Like our childhood wasn’t good and it messed something up in you. I figured you were just reacting, that never what hurt me.”

Sirius seemed genuinely shocked. For a second he just stood there, eyes wide. “Wait what?” he asked.

“I- what do you mean, what?” Regulus asked in confusion.

“Y-you’re right,” Sirius said, his voice almost a whisper. “I didn’t realize you ever had any clue. I figured you just thought I was crazy. But you’re right. I have a personality disorder…” Sirius said the words like it pained him to speak it aloud.

“I don’t really know what that means,” Regulus admitted.

Sirius just shrugged. “A lot of things,” he muttered. “I- it doesn’t matter. I just don’t understand, I always thought you hated me for that.”

“I hated that it felt like you chose James over me,” Regulus blurted out before he could stop himself.

Sirius paused. “Regulus you chose James.”

“I left James.”

“In the end, maybe. But for years you chose him. You spent more time with James than you did with me. And sure, I didn’t know the details then, but I knew you cared about him more than me.”

“That’s not true,” Regulus said shaking his head. Sirius’ lips were pressed into a thin line, his loose curls framing his face. He looked suddenly young despite the bags under his eyes and the lack of youthful color in his cheeks. It struck Regulus how young they all were. They were in their twenties, yet somehow Regulus still spent most days feeling as if life had already passed him by. Like it was too late. “I cared about him differently.”

For a long moment, they both just stood there.

The counter between them felt like a chasm, one they’d never been taught to cross.

Their parents taught them a lot of things. How to be good Christian boys. How to keep their mouths shut and their heads down (a lesson that never quite stuck to Sirius). Their father taught them to shoot first. That if someone struck you, you struck back harder. Their father taught them to bite, their mother taught them every way in which they were wrong. But no one ever taught Sirius and Regulus Black how to love.

Or maybe… as messy as it was, James Potter had been the one to do that.

Because if they followed the Black’s legacy, that could have been the end of the conversation. Both of them too stubborn, too violent to give.

But after a tense silence, Sirius gave.

“I wish I’d asked you to come with me,” Sirius whispered. “Even if you’d said no, at least I would have tried.”

Regulus swallowed. The chasm suddenly felt like a mirage. Like he’d been looking down at the endless bottom, only to realize it was a trick of the light. It’d never been that deep or uncrossable at all.

“I would have said no,” Regulus said, his own voice not much louder than Sirius’ whisper had been. “But…” Regulus dared to continue. “I would have known that you wanted me to come. That would have been enough. I- I would have tried to stay in contact with you.”

For a second, Sirius looked like he might burst into tears. Instead, he shook his head, and then he laughed. It was a bit hysterical, but it was still laughter. “Fuck,” he said through his laughter, and then Regulus was laughing too. They laughed until they were on the ground. Until Sirius joined Regulus behind the counter. They were side by side, knees hugged to their chests, back to the counter like they were children again hiding from their parents.

But their parents were dead, and it was just Sirius and Regulus now. Trying to catch their breath through their giggles.

“I- I can’t…” Regulus tried to choke out. “I can’t believe our parents are dead!” That sent them into another fit of uncontrollable laughter until Sirius put an arm around Regulus’ shoulder, and suddenly they were crying.

Regulus felt a little like he was losing his mind, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Because through every bit of pain, when Cassie was born, every time James hurt Regulus, and when they broke up— all Regulus wanted was a hug from his brother. And now Sirius was hugging him, and Regulus was still so angry. He was sure Sirius was too. But they were here.

Is it meant to be? Regulus found himself thinking into Sirius’ shoulder. He smelled the same as he always had, like home.

Is this a sign?

Hey, God, if I’m a sinner, why does this feel like forgiveness?

Chapter Text

Regulus

__

Alice seemed very surprised when she came in for her shift (late as always) to see Sirius Black leaning against the counter next to Regulus.

She stood there in the doorway for a second, before she seemed to decide it was not her business. “Hi, Sirius,” she nodded. “I’m good to clock in. Go home, Regulus.”

Regulus needed no further encouragement. He just nodded.

He and Sirius got out the door, standing on the pavement before either of them realized they didn’t know what they were doing.

“Uh—”

“So—” they both began speaking at once.

“Sorry,” Sirius said quickly, suddenly uncertain. “You go.”

“Oh, um,” Regulus swallowed. “I was going to ask if you wanted to come over for dinner.”

“Do I?”

“Do you?”

Sirius blinked. For a moment he didn’t speak untill he seemed to realize Regulus was waiting for an answer. “Oh. I- yes. Yeah, I’ll come over.”

“Okay…” Regulus said slowly. “Okay, great.” He paused. “Oh, shit I have to pick up some groceries though—”

“That’s fine, I can come with you.”

“To get groceries?”

Sirius shrugged. “I mean… why not?” he said tentatively.

“I guess, yeah. Sure, why not,” Regulus echoed.

It was a bit—no very—weird. But… it wasn’t as bad as Regulus expected. They bickered a bit, there was some awkwardness but there was something else too. An opening, a chance.

For the first time in six years, Regulus dared to hope.

They wound up dropping the Potter’s truck back at the old house after getting groceries, and Regulus drove them to his place.

The drive was quiet, but Regulus felt himself being watched.

“Can I ask you something,” Sirius said suddenly, breaking the silence.

Regulus dared a glance over at the passenger seat. He couldn’t quite read Sirius’ expression.

“I guess?” Regulus agreed carefully.

It took Sirius a second to spit out whatever he wanted to say. “…I guess, I was just wondering. I- if Cassie came out to you one day, if he said he was gay, what would you do?”

That was the last thing Regulus expected Sirius to say, and he just barely stopped himself from jerking the wheel in surprise. “What?”

“I dunno,” Sirius mumbled. “I was just wondering what you’d do if your son was gay.”

“I- I wouldn’t do anything,” Regulus said tightly.

“Nothing at all?”

“I mean… no?” Regulus tried to imagine it. Some older version of Cass sitting down in front of him and telling Regulus he was gay. He tried to imagine how he’d react.

Regulus didn’t really know.

“I suppose… I’d tell him that I love him no matter what,” Regulus said after a long pause.

“That’s all? You wouldn’t be mad?”

“Mad?” Regulus repeated. “Who the fuck do you think I am, Sirius? It’s not like it’s something he could change if he were.”

“Right,” Sirius agreed. “I know that, I didn’t know if you knew that.”

Regulus scoffed at that. “I do. Believe me, I know. I tried.”

“You tried?” Sirius questioned.

“Yeah,” Regulus muttered. “Where do you think I got a son from? I tried. It didn’t work. I know being gay isn’t something you can change.”

“But you hate being gay,” Sirius interjected. “You’re telling me if your son was gay, you wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

Regulus shook his head in frustration, lips pressing into a thin line. “Do you think I’ve ever hated you for being gay? That I have a problem with you because of it?”

“I- well…” Sirius seemed to think this over for a moment. “I guess not. You’ve never seemed like you did.”

“Then why do you seem so shocked?”

“Because you hate being gay.”

“That’s me,” Regulus said shortly.

“Okay, then what’s the difference?”

“It’s me,” Regulus repeated again.

“Yes, Reggie, I heard you the first time. I just don’t get it. Isn’t that a little bit contradictory? I mean, you hate being gay because it’s a sin, right? If that’s what you believe, then it’s still a sin if it’s someone else. And I don’t believe that you’re so selfish you only care if you go to Hell and nobody else. So why is it okay if it’s not you?”

Regulus had no idea what to say to that.

He didn’t have the answer.

His first thought was just it’s wrong.

Because that was what he’d always thought, what he’d always known. Being gay was wrong. Regulus was wrong.

It was something he’d always felt. Like he just knew it in his bones, that something in the make-up of his skeleton was crafted wrong. Like his bones didn’t fit quite right in his body, his organs didn’t sit where they were supposed to. There was an abyss inside of Regulus, too much open space for the dark emptiness to sit.

Regulus swallowed. He felt like he was somehow letting Sirius win by being unable to answer. But he didn’t know what to say.

It’s just not okay, he wanted to scream. But even in his own mind, he sounded like a toddler throwing a tantrum, making useless excuses for a question he didn’t have the answer to.

“I just think you should think about it,” Sirius said finally, when it became clear that Regulus had no reply.

Regulus was thinking, but he just scoffed, and refused to talk to Sirius for the rest of the drive.

That was more what he was used to anyway. A silence stretching out between them, a line that Regulus couldn’t cross. That made more sense to Regulus than sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with his brother and letting the tears and the emotions free between them. They weren’t good at that; they weren’t made to be vulnerable. All Regulus had ever known with Sirius was the push and pull.

“Sorry,” Sirius said suddenly as they pulled into the gravel driveway. That was not part of the script, not what Regulus had expected Sirius to say, and he paused.

“What?”

“I- I’m sorry for pushing you just now,” Sirius said slowly. “I mean, I think I’m right, and you should think about it. But I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Y-you didn’t,” Regulus said quickly. “I just…” He didn’t know what he was going to say, and he trailed off, shaking his head instead. “It’s fine, I’m sorry too,” he murmured. “Come on.”

Regulus put the car in park, and they piled out, grabbing the groceries from the back seat.

Sirius had changed. Regulus hadn’t noticed it before today, but he was trying. Regulus noticed it. Even if Sirius was asking questions Regulus didn’t want to hear. Even if it burrowed under his skin uncomfortably. Sirius had changed, and he was here. And Regulus? Regulus had probably changed too.

It all felt a little surreal, standing in front of their childhood home.

The tire swing was creaking as it swung slightly in the wind. Regulus remembered playing on that swing as a child. He remembered the way the ghosts of his past had always lurked in the corners of the Black’s property. He used to avert his eyes, unable to face the shards of his past that hid there. Now, Regulus looked.

He remembered Sirius pushing him on that swing, the way Regulus would lean back, his feet pointed up towards the wide expanse of the sky. He used to feel like he was flying, Oklahoma under his feet, unable to touch him. The world felt limitless, Regulus was not afraid because he knew no matter how high he went or how hard he fell, Sirius would be there to catch him, to piece him back together again.

That was a long time ago. Regulus simultaneously felt like everything and nothing had changed.

Because here they were. Side by side in front of their childhood home. Regulus’ home. His son’s childhood home in a very different way than it’d been Sirius and Regulus’.

“You somehow made this place… warm,” Sirius said softly as they stepped over the broken step and onto the creaky porch.

“It feels more human now,” Regulus agreed.

“Because human’s live here.”

Regulus shook his head at that, pausing on the porch. “Our parents were human,” he said flatly. “I think that’s the scariest part of all.”

Sirius blinked. He just stared at Regulus for a moment. Regulus half expected Sirius to disagree, but instead he nodded. “I guess they were. Humanity is a lot scarier than any monsters in the dark. At least monsters aren’t real.”

Regulus used to make Sirius check under his bed for monsters. Sirius would dutifully do so, getting down on the floor and making Regulus join him.

“See, Reggie? No monsters.”

Eventually, Regulus stopped asking. He was afraid of being caught talking to loudly or running through the house, not of a monster under the bed. And if there was one, maybe it’d protect him from the things that could lay their hands on Regulus.

Regulus couldn’t voice any of this. He and Sirius couldn’t talk about their parents, because eventually they’d fight over it.

That was the legacy of Walburga and Orion Black, pulling the brothers apart even from their graves.

With that, Regulus pulled open the screen door, letting them inside. Pandora was in the hallway, and she stopped suddenly, eyes widening when she registered them.

“Oh, I uh… brought Sirius,” Regulus said slowly.

Pandora just stood there for a moment. “Well, that’s wonderful.” She offered Sirius a kind smile. “But… Remus brought a guest for dinner. He tried to call you, but you’d already left the gas station.”

“A guest?” Regulus questioned. “Remus doesn’t have any other friends.”

“Remus has many friends,” Pandora said loyally.

It wasn’t true. Remus knew a lot of people, but he wasn’t friends with them.

Regulus pushed past Pandora and into the kitchen, ignoring her calls to wait.

He stopped dead. Peter Pettigrew was sitting at the kitchen table.

Remus looked up at Regulus’ footsteps. “Ah, Reg. Sorry I tried to call you, I invited Pete over for dinner.”

Regulus hadn’t seen Peter since James had framed him. Something that had been the tipping point, the end of Regulus and James’ relationship. The fact that James could do such a thing had turned everything on its head. It was like Regulus didn’t even know him, and everything had crumbled from there.

But Regulus wasn’t dating James anymore. Peter didn’t even know they’d been together, and Regulus had never done anything to him. Sirius however...

Sirius had taken James’ side even when he knew it was wrong. Even though James refused to give his best friend any details. Their friend group had split right down the middle. Everything fell apart, James and Sirius left, and so came the end of their childhood.

Regulus suddenly realized why Pandora had tried to stop him.

He turned, hoping to intercept Sirius before he entered the kitchen, but it was too late, he was stepping over the threshold and the energy in the room suddenly turned cold.

Remus practically jumped out of his chair at Sirius’ appearance (that was overkill, Remus needed to get a grip on his lovesick heart.) and Peter’s eyes widened, face turning pale.

“Oh,” Sirius said stupidly, stopping dead.

For a moment, they all stood there entirely silent.

Then, Sirius deciding to find some tact for the first time in his life, spoke up. “Peter… you look well.”

Regulus dared to think for a moment, that maybe they could leave this at being painfully awkward and nothing worse.

That did not happen, because when did anything ever go right?

Peter stood, his expression turning dark. “No,” he said harshly. “You don’t get to give out pleasantries after everything.”

“I- we don’t have to do this—”

They were doing this, apparently. It seemed Peter had a slew of things to say, and they spilled out the second he met Sirius’ eye.

“You took James’ side when you knew he was lying. You knew he’d ruined my life and still, you didn’t vouch for me. You didn’t back me up when I said James was the alcoholic, not me. You let me get shipped off to rehab and never said a word. You didn’t apologize, you didn’t try to see how I was doing. Not a call, email, or even a letter. So you don’t get to tell me I look well, because that is in spite of everything. Everything you helped enable.”

“I never agreed with James—”

“Yet you were on his side anyway? That makes it even worse. It means you knew what he was doing was wrong and you chose him anyway.”

“He’s my best friend,” Sirius said weakly, but he wasn’t really trying to defend himself. It was clear Sirius knew he’d been wrong.

“And what was I?” Peter scoffed bitterly. “I thought I was your friend too, but you cleared that up for me.”

“I never wanted you to get hurt—”

“Funny way of showing it. You could have done something and you didn’t.”

“I- I know—”

“What are you even doing here?” Peter snapped. “I thought you’d never come back to Stillcreek.”

“Me either,” Sirius said helplessly. “But… I dunno, here we are.”

“Obviously.”

“Maybe—” Remus began, clearly hoping to cut this off before it got bloody.

Sirius spoke over him. “I know it was wrong,” he told Peter, his eyes pleading. “And I am sorry. I’ve always hated what James did. Believe me. He’s sober now, things are different.”

“After how long of being an alcohol fueled monster? How many people did he hurt first? James may fool everyone else, but I saw his true colors, I know who he is. You might be blinded by it, because he loves you, but I know better than anyone else his love is rotten.”

Regulus felt his stomach twist at that.

No.

James’ love was a lot, it was not always good. It was complicated and unkind at times, and the addiction never helped. But it was not rotten. Nothing about James Potter was rotten. He was just so full of love, it leaked out of him, leaving a hole he was always trying to fill. But he wasn’t rotten in any way.

Sirius opened his mouth, probably to defend James, but Regulus got there first.

“Don’t speak like that,” Regulus said coolly. “You’re allowed to be angry, you’re allowed to hate James. But don’t make him out to be something he’s not. We were kids. Yes he fucked up, but I don’t see how bringing more hurt and bitterness to any of this helps.”

Peter turned on Regulus at that, his eyes flashing. Peter had never liked Regulus, he never really knew why, just that it was a fact.

“Of fucking course you would say that,” Peter said harshly, and it was clear he was livid. “You were fucking him, so I don’t need your opinion.”

“Hey!” Sirius stepped forward. “Regulus was never involved in any of this, you don’t get to talk to him that way.”

Sirius was defending Regulus? This was a new and very strange development. Regulus couldn’t have imagined—

Regulus’ blood suddenly ran cold as Peter’s words hit him.

Peter was saying something back to Sirius, Regulus didn’t even hear it as he cut him off.

“How did you know that?” Regulus’ words somehow cut through the argument, even though he barely spoke above a whisper.

“Knew what?” Peter asked.

“About me and James.”

Regulus advanced on Peter, jaw clenched. “Because Remus and Sirius only know because they found out recently. You haven’t been here. You shouldn’t know that.”

The room stilled.

Peter shifted nervously.

“I— it doesn’t matter, I figured it out.”

Peter was too nervous. Regulus knew instantly something wasn’t right.

Was it likely that someone could have simply stumbled upon the truth? Yes. But then, Peter took a step back away from Regulus. There was fear and guilt in the way he almost cowered, it was telling.

Peter was guilty of something.

“It’s not that,” Regulus said, his voice deadly calm. “There’s something more to the story, isn’t there?”

“No, no t-there’s not—”

“You’re scared of me. You’re scared. Which means you have something to hide. Something you think that’d make me mad. So what is it? How did you find out? Why are you scared of me knowing?”

“I- I just stumbled on you two in the woods, that’s all,” Peter said, but his voice was shaking and his eyes were wide.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not! I swear that’s what happened. I heard you arguing about Mulciber, I know you made him stop selling to James. I turned around and went the other way when I realized. I didn’t find out on purpose.”

“Does James know that you know?”

Peter hesitated.

“He does,” Regulus concluded by Peter’s pause. “Why would he never say? Why didn’t James want me to know that you knew? Why are you so afraid of me finding out you knew?”

Peter just shook his head helplessly, and Regulus grabbed him roughly by the collar.

“Regulus!” Remus yelled in protest. Sirius didn’t say a word, he was just watching, brow furrowed, eyes calculating. Sirius was putting pieces together, but Regulus didn’t know what they were.

“Tell me the truth,” Regulus hissed.

“I am!” Peter squeaked. “Let go of me!”

Regulus only tightened his grip, pulling Peter closer so they were eye to eye. “The whole truth.”

“I—” Peter opened his mouth, he shut it again.

“I swear to god, I’m not above bashing your head in,” Regulus growled.

“I told him I’d tell everyone!” Peter blurted out.

Regulus dropped Peter so quickly, the other man stumbled back.

“Wait what?” Remus whispered in horror.

Regulus didn’t say a word, his heart beating wildly.

“I- no, no,” Peter said nervously. “I mean, it was just blackmail. Mulciber was coming after me, and James swore he’d get me the money, but he wouldn’t. I just… I only used it to threaten him, I wasn’t going to do it. I just needed something to make him get me the money before Mulciber brought a shot gun to my house. I was desperate, I told him I’d tell everyone if he didn’t get me the money and he responded by framing me and making me look like a liar so no one would believe a word I said!”

Peter seemed to realize that this was not a good look for him, Remus was still staring in horror and Sirius looked like maybe he wanted a go at Peter himself.

“But I wasn’t going to do it!” he hurried to continue. “It was just a threat and James took it and ran.”

“I think you would have done it,” Regulus said flatly. “You were always so bitter and jealous, kill two birds with one stone, huh?”

Peter had no reply to that, and Regulus knew he was right. Peter wouldn’t have used it as blackmail if a part of him wasn’t capable of doing it. He was never a man of grand threats. Peter had no backbone.

“It doesn’t make what James did okay,” Peter whispered.

“No.” Regulus scoffed. “It doesn’t, but it makes it different.”

It did. It flipped things upside down. Regulus didn’t understand.

James did it for Regulus?

He did it to protect Regulus’ sexuality? That didn’t make sense. Why would James have gone to such lengths to protect the fact that Regulus was gay when he’d always wanted to change things? For Regulus to just accept it and tell people?

None of it was adding up in Regulus’ head.

He took a step back.

“Regulus—” Peter began pleadingly.

“I need to go,” Regulus said hoarsely.

He turned and practically tore out of the house, his heart beating in his ears.

Regulus didn’t really think, he just found himself banging on James’ Potter’s front door.

There was no answer, and Regulus banged louder.

“Jesus!” James’ voice yelled from within. “I’m coming!”

A moment later, the door was thrown open. James paused, whatever he was about to say dying on his lips.

They just stood there, staring at each other. Clearly, Regulus was the last person James expected to find at his door, but Regulus needed answers.

“Regulus?”

“James.”

James stood there in the doorway for a second longer, before shutting the door behind him and stepping out onto the porch.

Regulus turned on his heel, heading into the front yard. He heard James behind him. Regulus didn’t dare to look back for a moment, but a few deep breaths gave him the courage to turn back around, looking James Potter in the eye.

Silence followed, interrupted only by the sound of crickets singing in the night.

“What is it?” James questioned when Regulus had yet to speak.

“I—” Regulus’ resolve suddenly crumbled. What was he doing? “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing is what had you banging at my door like a madman?”

Regulus couldn’t remember the last time they’d properly talked. The cadence of James’ voice was so painfully familiar. He heard it in his dreams, when he closed his eyes. He always thought someone’s voice was the first thing you forgot about a person, but not James’ voice, not for Regulus.

The flurry of emotions swirling around regulus him blurting out his next words. “You did it for me.”

James blinked. “What?” he asked in confusion.

“You did it for me,” Regulus repeated, failing to clarify. He didn’t know what order to say this in or how to make it come out right. “Maybe a bit for you, maybe a little selfishly, I don’t know. But you did it for me too, whatever your thought process.”

“Regulus…” James frowned. “Did what?”

Regulus swallowed. “Pinned the blame on Peter.”

James flinched. He psychically recoiled at the words, face going pale. “How do you know that?” James whispered.

“Peter said so. He admitted to it all. Finding out about us, threatening to tell everyone if you didn’t do as he said.”

“I—” James seemed at a complete loss for a moment as she shook his head. “He might not have done it,” he said shamefully. “But I couldn’t risk it. I just reacted. I was stupid and panicked and I wasn’t in my right mind. But... when did he admit to this? How long have you known? I don’t understand.”

“He’s in town. I found out tonight.”

“Oh,” was James’ only reply, a million conflicting emotions crossing his face. “Uh- okay? Okay. So now you know… but I don’t understand why you’re here. Are you mad?”

Regulus laughed at that, it probably sounded a bit manic, but he didn’t care. “No, I’m not fucking mad. I’m confused. I don’t understand why you’d do that, you wanted me to come out. Wouldn’t letting Peter spill the secret solve all your problems?”

James’ brow furrowed. He stared at Regulus wordlessly for an impossibly long moment.  “Did you know me at all?” James asked finally, and when he spoke his voice was choked. “Like… I’m at such a fucking loss. I don’t know who you were seeing but it wasn’t me.”

“I—”

James cut Regulus off before he could speak. “No,” he said raggedly. “No, it wouldn’t have solved all my problems. I never wanted you to be forced to come out, I never even needed you to come out at all.”

“But you wanted things to be different,” Regulus insisted. “You hated us being a secret.”

“No, I hated being your dirty little secret. I hated that you were ashamed of me. I understood why you couldn’t come out. Hell, even now I’m not about to go yelling about my sexuality around town. I’m not stupid Regulus, I didn’t ever expect you to tell the entire world that you’re gay.”

James said it like it was just a simple fact. You’re gay. Irrefutable, a cold hard truth. One Regulus could not escape or make people like James and Sirius unknow.

“Then what did you want?” Regulus asked helplessly, grasping at the lens he’d viewed them through for so long. It was shattering, the shards cutting through the softest parts of his palms. Slipping through his fingers.

James opened his mouth, but whatever the answer was, it was apparently too heavy to voice. He clamped his mouth shut again, jaw clenched.

“I thought you wanted to change me,” Regulus whispered when James failed to speak.

James took a deep, shuddering breath, and finally, he seemed to force out the answer to Regulus’ question. “I never wanted to change you; I just wanted you to let me love you.” James’ voice cracked at the end of the sentence, but he didn’t try to hide it.

“I did, didn’t I?” A pause. “I- I really tried to,” Regulus whispered—a cheap, feeble refutation.

“Maybe the best you could,” James said quietly. “It just wasn’t quite good enough.” There was grief in James’ words, heavy resignation.

Regulus didn’t know whether to balk or sob.

He settled for a mix between the two, his voice choked, but probably a bit too accusing. “You didn’t love me right either.”

“I know,” was James’ only reply, and somehow, that was worse than anything else he could have said.

“You hurt me so much.” Regulus shook his head, the distraught teenage version of himself rearing its head. The person whose heart James had broken. That person wasn’t him, not as he was right now. That’s what he’d been telling himself, but maybe it was untrue because he didn’t really feel any different. “I did anything to forget you, but I- I could never fucking wash you off of me. You’re here, you stained me. Even if I never saw you again, even if you never came back, you’d have a chunk of me forever and I can never get it back.”

“You can have it back if you take the fishhook out of my gut.”

That was the last thing Regulus expected James to say, and for a moment the confusion him shocked out of his emotions. “Huh?”

James seemed to realize Regulus had no idea what he was talking about. James looked suddenly a little embarrassed. “I just mean… it’s like you’ve got a hook in my stomach and you’re always pulling, tugging me towards you. And no matter how much distance is between us or how much time passed I can still feel you fucking pulling.”

“Maybe that’s not me, maybe you just wanted to go home.”

“Stillcreek isn’t really home, you are. This town is nothing more than the people in it, and I’m tried of acting like it’s something it’s not. It’s just a place, Regulus. You were what mattered.”

“But you left.” And there it was. Regulus choked, there were tears blurring his vision, and he tried to hold them back.

“You’re the one who ended things.” James looked like he wasn’t sure whether to step forward or bolt in the opposite direction.

“After you said those things to me.” Regulus scoffed.

“After you threw a beer bottle at my head.”

“I- I wasn’t aiming at you,” Regulus said hoarsely.

“Doesn’t matter, you hurt me, and rather than apologizing or trying to talk it out you left me a letter and I never saw you again. And I know why. I know you scared yourself. I know you saw your parents in yourself in that moment and it terrified you. I know, but I would have forgiven you, I would have loved you anyway. I did love you anyway, and you were just looking for an excuse to call it quits.”

“It was never going to work—”

“You never even tried! And that’s what I have a problem with! Okay, Regulus?” James asked, his voice rising. “Do you fucking get it now? Will you just look at me and see me not whoever you made up so you could live with yourself? You—” As quickly as the anger had come, James seemed to lose steam. His eyes were glassy as he broke off. “Can you just see me?” he finished, his voice small. “God, that’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted you to choose me, love me, try. Just once. But you spent our entire relationship expecting it to end when I would have loved you forever. I know I was leaving, but I would have come back. I would have done anything, and all you gave me was the very first ‘I love you’ in a breakup letter.”

It wasn’t the first. The first time James had said it drunk and Regulus had whispered it back.

James didn’t know that. He hadn’t known it when the world ended.

“Maybe I am whatever disgusting person you think I am. But if I’m going to hell then you have to know I’ll see you down there.”

And Regulus had snapped. He picked up the beer bottle sitting on James’ bedside table and threw it at the wall near James’ head.

Regulus hadn’t wanted to hurt James. Regulus just wanted to break something. He hadn’t intended it. But James had drawn a hand to his face in shock, fingers coming away wet with blood from where he’d been caught by a shard of glass.

He looked at Regulus then, eyes wide, filled with such horror and disgust. Like he was seeing Regulus for the first time.

Regulus only vaguely remembered how it’s escalated to that. They’d been arguing about Peter. Regulus knew James had framed his friend; he’d been horrified. He felt like he didn’t even know this version of James anymore. The one who only cared about alcohol, not his friends or family or Regulus. Just drinking.

And somehow, that conversation had opened up every single problem they’d ever had.  It turned to a screaming match, Regulus yelling things about James’ sexuality that still kept him up at night and made his skin crawl in shame and disgust.

James had responded in kind.

But if I’m going to hell then you have to know I’ll see you down there.

It was everything that Regulus couldn’t stomach. Every fear that ate him alive laid bare.

James crossed a line, Regulus crossed a bigger one. And that was that.

Yet, it was not, because here they were.

James was right, Regulus had seen the Black cruelty in himself at that moment. All his family ever did was hurt. Hurt each other, themselves, anyone who got in their way. James flinched, and when Regulus stepped forward in horror, James stepped back.

So, maybe Regulus took the coward’s way out. But James was leaving Stillcreek anyway, it was always going to end. Regulus had never considered any other possibility.

Now he didn’t know what to think. Would James really have come back? Would he have tried to make it work if Regulus hadn’t ended it? Even after everything?

“I didn’t…” Regulus shook his head in frustration trying to find the words. “I didn’t know there was any other option. I thought it was done.”

“It was never done. I still don’t feel done.”

No, of course not. Because here they were rehashing the same ghosts. Unable to stay apart.

“Neither do I,” Regulus dared to admit, but he still couldn’t say it above a whisper. “I didn’t know you cared that much. I didn’t know it’d be worth it to you to keep trying.”

“I don’t know if worth is the right word,” James muttered. “There’s no worth, there’s so scales or black and white, right and wrong. It was just love. I loved you and there was no logic in any of it.”

“I don’t know what to do with that, I can’t handle these things without boxes,” Regulus said, his voice ragged, shoulders tense.

“It wouldn’t fit in a box.” James laughed bitterly. “I tried and the lid just kept coming off. I kept finding you in every single piece of me. And for the record, I didn’t care. It was more. My heart beat for you, Regulus. My world started and ended with you. I’ve always known there was nothing I could do to get rid of the feeling short of making the world stop. I’ve spent every moment since we broke up looking for anything to make it stop, not even drinking did it.”  

“You were better off anyway,” Regulus breathed. “Better without me, you could have gone off and had anything you wanted. You did. You have a kid and you have Lily. I don’t know what we’re doing because it doesn’t matter. I hurt you, you hurt me, I wish I’d done things differently but it’s too late now.”

James’s frown deepened. “Regulus… you know Lily and I aren’t together?”

Regulus did not know that.

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“So—” So what? Regulus didn’t know what to say next.

Apparently, James did. “I’ve spent years searching the world for anything like you.” It felt like this was some of the first total and brutal honesty they’d ever had. Regulus kind of wanted to throw up. “I loved you. Honestly, Regulus, I still love you. It never went away. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stomach the way it never faded, and it just made me so angry for so long. Like you’d claimed your spot as the love of my life and I knew I’d never love anyone else like I love you and it’s so unfair. It’s unfair that you were never mine, and still I waited around like some stupid kid, hoping you’d love me.”

“I did love you—”

“No, not the feeling, the action,” James cut Regulus off. “I know how you felt. You felt love for me, but you did not love me. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“That’s not fair of you!” Regulus said in frustration. “I gave you so much! And I know that I always expected it to end. I know I didn’t try in the end, but I sacrificed so much to love you. Do you have any idea what that’s like? To know that I was everything I’d been taught was wrong and disgusting? To know that every moment with you was condemning me to Hell—”

“Yeah! And did you think about what that was like for me? Huh? To be the thing ruining your life? To be the sin you were committing? It made me feel dirty and shameful! It felt like shit!”

“But I did it anyway! I was willing to go against everything I’d ever been taught to love you! Does that count for nothing?”

“Yes! Because you didn’t, Regulus! You gave up!”

“I was tired! We weren’t happy! It was never good or nice, and you were too kind. You were full of too much love to just break my heart clean through, so I did it for you!”

“I didn’t care! I didn’t care if every single moment hurt, I didn’t care if you hurt me or hated me! I forgave you! I just needed you to choose me, and the worst part is that you didn’t and somehow, I forgive you for that too!” They were yelling down, voices rising towards the Oklahoma skies. Maybe God would hear them and finally grant Regulus some grace.

But the words sat there.

I forgive you.

That was the James Potter thing. The heart of it all. James gave too much, and Regulus gave too, but never in a way James could accept it. Regulus was just another hole James thought he could fill, a wound to slap a Band-Aid on. James was always looking for something to ease the unmendable crack in his chest and Regulus was looking for forgiveness. Two impossible tasks.

There was no forgiveness. Regulus couldn’t undo the way he was made. He couldn’t change all the ways he was wrong. James couldn’t get rid of his anger, the urge for more. Regulus didn’t think James even knew what more was, the world, the stars, the skies, the oceans, Regulus bloody beating heart—it was never enough for James Potter. He probably hated himself for that.

They could push and pull forever. James could put the barrel of a gun between Regulus’ lips, and when it came down to it, he’d just swallow around it. And if Regulus put that same gun to James’ head, he wouldn’t even close his eyes. He’d probably just look down at Regulus, and there’d be forgiveness in his eyes when Regulus pulled the trigger.

I forgive you.

The real thing—the James and Regulus thing—was that they hated themselves. They were filled with self-loathing, anger, and bitterness. But Regulus didn’t think they’d ever truly hated each other.

“You forgive me?” Regulus whispered. He couldn’t yell, not anymore.

James angrily wiped the tears from his face. “Yeah,” he said, the word laced with bitterness. “I do. Isn’t that rich?”

“I forgive you too.”

James shook his head at that. “That was never the problem. It’s not me you need to forgive, it’s yourself.”

Regulus didn’t know what to say. His vision was blurry, but James was crying too, so Regulus couldn’t find in himself to feel embarrassed as he blinked the tears away.

“I—” I’ve never considered doing that before. I’ve been waiting, praying God would do it for me.

But God had never answered Regulus’ prayers.

But… maybe God worked quietly. Because James was here in front of him. All these years, with the amount of pain in their relationship it was easy to see how love could be bad. How this could be a sin.

But James was standing here, so open, so raw and alive. He was full of forgiveness and the sin here didn’t feel like the act of loving James, it was the pain Regulus had caused him.

“I might be able to one day,” Regulus said finally.

And that was it. Something cracked and settled. Regulus heard it like a gunshot ringing through the night, but neither of them was the target.

They just stood there silent, unscathed. (Or maybe not, but no one was bleeding.)

And then it was all overtaking Regulus and he was crumpling, bent over with the heaviness of it all. Regulus was full body sobbing, and this time James did step forward. There was a hand on Regulus’ shoulder, the first touch between them in years.

And the dominos just kept falling.

Regulus reached out.

“Oh, Regulus,” James murmured shakily.

Regulus’ arms wrapped around James’ waist, and James was pulling him in, a hand on the side of Regulus’ head. James rested his chin on Regulus’ head before pushing his nose into Regulus’ hair. James smelled the same. He smelled like home.

That feeling, the homesickness eased so suddenly Regulus felt like something was missing from his chest.

Oh. So that’s what it was.

Maybe James felt it too, because he was whispering into Regulus’ hair. “I thought of you so often. I spent every day feeling like I was being pulled towards you. I missed you like it’d kill me.”

Regulus knew the feeling. He just held on tighter, pressing his cheek to James’ chest, hearing his heart beat.

Regulus’ skeleton was surely made of James Potter’s ribs. But suddenly, Regulus had sympathy for Eve. She hadn’t known any better. She hadn’t even been created as her own person.

She’d never been lied to or manipulated before, how was she to recognize it?