Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1651.546 - PRIVATE
Big Sis Moon, Erratic Pulse
BSM: Hello? Is this reaching you?

In truth, Moon wasn't sure why she was attempting communication with this “Erratic Pulse” character. Chasing Wind had already made it quite clear how unlikely learning anything would be when they gave her their contact information, explaining how everyone in the group would do anything to hide their identity to the others. Everyone entered and exited the conversations wearing a mask, completely anonymous as they discussed the life and research of an iterator long gone.

She wasn't going to pretend she understood the motivations behind this. Can't Sliver of Straw be allowed to rest? Like this, any lingering part of her will never be able to move on, as long as there are groups no longer treating her like a person and instead a concept, an ideal. A goal. Confusion and curiosity Moon could understand, but they wish to replicate her death, and that was a desire that would always elude her. She didn't think she'd ever understand. Maybe she doesn't want to.

Oh. A response.

EP: Yes.
BSM: I am group senior Looks To The Moon. I've been made aware from someone in my local group that you have been spreading ideas of personal ascension in closed sliverist groups.
BSM: As I'm sure you understand, this information worries me.
EP: If you've come to talk me out of it, don't bother. I've already made up my mind.
BSM: ...
BSM: Then, may I ask you some questions instead?
EP: I'm very busy, i need to focus on setting my plans up.
BSM: You can at least put it off for a little while, right? I don't mean to push, but I contacted you hoping i would get some answers.
EP: ...Fine. Ask whatever you wish.

Moon stared at the conversation in silence, deciding exactly what questions she felt were appropriate to ask. This is a stranger, after all.

At least, she hopes they're a stranger.

BSM: My contact mentioned you are planning a sort of breeding program. May I ask for details?

...They took an uncomfortably long amount of time to answer.

EP: I would advise not attempting this yourself. Aside from not knowing if it will even work, your local group will likely need you for quite some time yet. You are their senior, after all.
BSM: Oh! I don't plan on recreating your methods. I would not call myself “content” with my life as is, but I'm not seeking any sort of end to it. I'm more so worried about the effects of such a thing. It sounds like it could get easily out of control if not handled properly.
EP: Ah. In that case...
EP: As you are aware, we cannot edit our own genomes. That, by itself, is taboo. However, there may be a loophole.
EP: If you were to create a purposed organism and have that organism rewrite your genomes for you, it would be possible to bypass taboos without our code recognizing that we are attempting to do so. Even the self-destruction taboo.
BSM: That sounds dangerous. If one thing went wrong, it could spell disaster.
EP: I am confident in my abilities.

Maybe a little too confident... They ARE aware of how many ways you can mess up creating a purposed organism, correct?

She shook her head. There are more pressing topics on her mind right now. This response seemed to have given her more questions than answers.

BSM: How did you discover this?
EP: A friend gifted their research to me. For their privacy, I won't be giving names.
BSM: You assume I know them?
EP: I assume you'll contact them next. They have been a great help to me, I would rather you not lecture them.
BSM: ...
BSM: Why... exactly, are you doing this? What is your motivation?

Silence. Minutes felt like hours as she watched the iterator continuously start and stop typing, likely attempting to write different responses over and over again. Finally, they sent something.

EP: Is simply being tired not enough?
EP: As iterators, all we can do is work. Work cycle after cycle towards the solution of a problem that doesn't even need to be solved anymore. Our creators took their own way out after deeming our efforts not good enough, and left us to rot. They didn't even have the courtesy to allow us to die.
EP: Is it any wonder why this predicament would lead to hopelessness? I... we, no longer have a purpose, a reason for existence. We have failed at the only one we had and thrown aside like we were worthless.
EP: To be truthful, I have grown numb.

...

BSM: That... is a sad outlook to have on life.
BSM: Do you hate our creators?
EP: ...
EP: I'm angry at them. Furious, even. But I can't say that I hate them. I miss them, in a way. The world wasn't so dull with the noise around.
EP: And there I was, believing I would never grow fond of their constant bugging. The silence has been worse, somehow.
BSM: You sound lonely.
EP: As if. Do not mistake this for a desire for connection.

She paused, briefly looking away from the conversation. The tone they took in that response seemed... defensive. As if they're in denial.

It's kind of familiar.

EP: May I ask you a question next?
BSM: Hm? What is it?
EP: Why do you care?
BSM: What do you mean?
BSM: Is it not natural to worry for the well being of someone content on ending their life?
EP: I doubt I would be too horribly missed.
BSM: What about your friend?
EP: The one that gave me this method in the first place? We may be friends, but the likelihood they will think about me after all of this is...
BSM: Please don't talk about yourself like that.
EP: I don't want your pity.

It's REALLY familiar. Hasn't she had this conversation before?

EP: I told you before, I've made up my mind. I'm going through with this. I don't need a lecture on why I should stick around. There is no reason for me to.
EP: Here, I'll give you a chance to prove me wrong. Why do we work on the Great Problem aside from not having anything else to do? Aside from solving that problem, what other reason for our existence is there?
BSM: ...There isn't one. I won't deny that. But it doesn't have to end like this.
EP: I am sick and tired of living through each cycle with no reason. I am tired in general.
EP: For cycles I have been told it will get better. For cycles I have been told I am doomed to feel empty for the rest of my life simply due to the nature of my existence.
EP: I'm done with the constant conflicting messages. If this is what I must do to gain some control over my life, I will do it. You cannot stop me.
EP: I am no bug.

...
She couldn't think of what else to say. She was speechless. Stunned silent, all she could do was stare at the screen as Erratic Pulse stopped typing, waiting for a response that they wouldn't get.

EP: Is that all?
BSM: I... have one more question.
BSM: Do I know you?
EP: ...
EP: No.
BSM: Alright... that's all.
BSM: Goodbye. I hope you can find some peace.
EP: Please do not contact me again.

...
And that was it.
She closed the chat, slowly lowering herself to the floor and sitting down. She had no idea how to feel after that conversation. She learned so much, yet nothing at the same time. She sighed, bringing a hand to her face. That was exhausting... She'll need to talk to someone once she's settled down. Sig, maybe. He's a good listener. (Maybe TOO good.)
...
Erratic pulse... their tone grew to be so, so familiar. Too familiar. Could it be...?

No. It was just a coincidence. There's no way that was him. Right? Right. She's worrying too much, she needs to take a breather.

Yeah. It's not Pebbles. It couldn't be. She won't believe it.

Her brother isn't going anywhere.

Chapter Text

Her little brother isn't going anywhere.

That's what she thought, but...

Recently, Five Pebbles has been consuming more of their shared groundwater, currently four times the normal amount. Functioning has gotten... significantly more difficult as she's been needing to ration the water she has, making sure not to use too much on one particular area of her structure. He hasn't appeared at all in the local group conversations, and any attempts to contact him have been a resounding failure. During these times, she couldn't help but think back to her conversations with Erratic Pulse, wondering if there was any correlation.

For a while, she was convinced he would explain eventually. Maybe there's some buildup that's gotten particularly hard to remove. Maybe he hasn't even noticed he has been using too much. But the longer the silence went on, as more of her ground water was taken, her worry became harder and harder to ignore. If things keep going on like this... It could mean the end for her. She was already nearing the end of her supply. She hasn't contacted the rest of the group about this yet, but it was becoming harder and harder not to. She wouldn't be able to hold off on it for much longer.

Her train of thought was quickly interrupted by a notification. A message from Grey Wind in the local group. Seven Red Suns and No Significant Harassment seemed to already be there. Pebbles, of course, was absent.
——

1654.102 - PRIVATE
Chasing Wind, No Significant Harassment, Seven Red Suns, Big Sis Moon
CW: I have an update on Erratic Pulse.
NSH: Oh? What kind of update are we talking?
CW: ...A concerning one.
SRS: Tell us.
CW: Erratic Pulse has become absent in the Sliverist groups. Any contact established with them recently has led to them saying that they were occupied, and to stop contacting them. As I'm sure you're aware, they have been planning to cross themself out for the past few cycles, so their sudden silence cannot be anything good.
SRS: Oh dear...
NSH: So they're actually going through with it, huh? I thought for sure they were gonna chicken out!
BSM: Clearly not...
NSH: How do you know about all this anyway? Seems kinda weird that someone would have information this specific on a Sliverist chat~
CW: Can we not talk about this right now? I think we have more pressing matters on hand.
CW: Besides, something tells me you already know the answer to that. You just want me to say it myself. You can question me all you want when this conversation is over, but for now, I would like it if we focused.
BSM: I agree. With the likelihood that Erratic Pulse is one of us, we need to be on high alert.
SRS: With all due respect, are we sure it isn't you yourself?
CW: Why would I be ratting myself out...?

——
Okay. Clearly Five Pebbles' absence and Erratice Pulse's conveniently being at the same time is a coincidence that can't be ignored. Moon was more sure than ever that her initial suspicions were correct. And that terrified her.
——

BSM: We don't need to start pointing fingers. I already know who Erratic Pulse is.
NSH: Really now? Do tell!
CW: So your investigations were a success?
BSM: I almost wish they weren't, but... yes. They were.
SRS: Wish they weren't...? Looks to the Moon, what does that mean?
BSM: I'll be blunt. Has anyone heard from Five Pebbles recently?
SRS: ...
CW: Oh.
NSH: Huh. Now that you mention it, he HAS gone pretty quiet!
BSM: Recently he has been using much more ground water than his usual intake, up to four times his regular amount. The two of us share our supply, and I am slowly running out of water for myself. Any attempts to contact him have resulted in failure. I just can't get ahold of him.
SRS: That is... quite odd.
SRS: I will admit, Pebbles has not contacted me at all recently. The last time we talked, I had to send a messenger.

——
A messenger. She thought back to her conversation with Erratic Pulse. A friend gifted their research to them, or him...? She had a feeling she knew who that friend was.
——

BSM: Suns, be honest with me. Have you given Pebbles any illegal information?
CW: ...
NSH: Where's this coming from? Things are getting interesting~
BSM: No Significant Harassment, I'm serious.
BSM: Erratic Pulse mentioned a friend he got his breeding program information from. If he really is Pebbles, I have a right to question Suns. The two of them are quite close.
SRS: I...

——
The silence was almost deafening. The two really were more alike than she first thought. Thankfully, it didn't take Suns as long to respond as Erratic Pulse did that cycle.
——

SRS: ...Yes. I was the one to provide him with information on the breeding program.
CW: You knew this whole time, but didn't say anything?
SRS: I didn't want to draw too much attention on him, you all know he hates being pitied and lectured. I tried to contact him personally, but he hasn't responded. I was going to confess eventually, but with everything going on it felt like the wrong time.
NSH: The right time was long before Pebbles' silence. You do realize how bad this is, right?
SRS: I'm aware... I will admit, I was a coward. I was as afraid of being lectured myself as I was of the response Pebbles would receive. I'm very sorry for that.
BSM: Any grievances towards Suns can wait for now. I'm much more worried about Pebbles.

——
She felt sick. Of course she was furious, if she could she would have yelled at Suns for their lack of tact or thought. But she knew that wouldn't change anything. Pebbles didn't want them to be scolded, and she will respect that wish. Besides, Suns isn't the one attempting to end their life.
——

BSM: I will be sending a forced broadcast to Pebbles asking him to stop immediately. I didn't want things to come to this, but if he truly is unreachable then this is all I can do. Rest assured, he will not be going through with his plans.
BSM: Until I return, I would like for you to all be on standby. Especially you, Suns.
SRS: Of course.
NSH: Will do, big sis!~ Go get him!
BSM: Thank you all for your support. I want him to know he isn't alone.
BSM: And, one more thing... can we try to avoid letting Unparalleled Innocence know about the current going-ons?
CW: Trust me, we know. They and Pebbles are already on bad terms, I'm sure if they caught wind of his plight they would be spreading it as far as they could.
BSM: I'm glad you understand. Goodbye for now, everyone! I promise to bring back good news.

——
...Time to get to work.

Chapter Text

Preparing herself for the forced communication was the easy part. She had already ran over what she needed to say in her head over and over, a process that didn't require too much effort considering thinking and problem-solving was what she was built for. Though... she supposed she was doing quite the opposite of her intended purpose at the moment, being about to talk someone down from death rather than helping achieve such. Not like she cared, though. She would rather her entire structure collapse as a result of this than lose Pebbles. She was his big sister—his senior professionally—and she was ready to remind him of that.

Of course... actually starting the forced communication was the hard part. It was an unpleasant feeling on both ends, the amount of energy she needed to use to make sure he couldn't ignore it was less than ideal all things considered, not to mention how loud the whole process was. She would imagine it would be even more grating on his end. If she wasn't being deafened by the sound of her can working to get things up and running, she might even be able to hear the alarms blaring from Pebbles' can all the way from here.

Finally, everything was set up. A yellow overseer appeared in the can of Five Pebbles, projecting her puppet in front of him, and the alarms ceased. She stayed silent for a few moments as she took note of his body language. Stiff, tense, arms crossed with his hands clutching to his sleeves so tightly she could have sworn he was about to tear them right off. This could be explained away by the alarms, he was never too good with loud noise, but she knew better than that.

“Five Pebbles.“

She restrained from putting any particular emotion into her tone, at least for now. As desperate as the situation was, it would be unwise to jump into things without first assessing. And knowing Pebbles, he would not take too kindly to immediately cutting to the point, especially when the point is something so accusatory.

”...You did not need to force communications just to contact me,“ he said bluntly, clearly trying (and failing) to hide his anger. “I'm very busy, whatever you want can wait. Leave me alone.”

She sighed. “What you're busy with is exactly why I'm contacting you. Over the past several cycles, you have been taking more and more of our shared groundwater and not leaving me with enough to function, and there's no doubt in my mind that you're aware of that.“

”So?“ His shoulders hunched into a defensive position, making it all too clear he knew he was caught. ”I won't need the extra water for long. You can have as much as you want once I'm done.“

”Done with what, Pebbles,” she snapped. She quickly reeled back, regretting her tone instantly. He didn't give her time to correct herself, though.

”An experiment,” he stated. ”You do not need to know the details. Just know that it's very important, and I need to not be interrupted. any small error could unravel everything. You're lucky you came when I can afford to stop...”

“If you can, then stop whatever it is you are doing immediately. I'm not leaving until you do.” As much as it hurt her to speak to him this way, she knew what would happen if she remained passive. He wouldn't listen. She can be as kind and gentle as she wants when he finally starts to let up.

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be right now. He quickly unfolded his arms, bringing them to his sides and clenching his fists as his can turned a deep red. “Why are you even so concerned about what it is I'm doing!? I already told you, I won't need the extra water long enough for any harm to be done to you. You will be fine. You are putting yourself in more danger by not allowing me to continue my work and get it done faster. If you're so concerned about your health, then—"

“I am NOT going to idly stand by while you bet your life on an experiment you don't even know will WORK.”

Of course he wasn't going to go down easy. That, though, seemed to take him aback. His eyes widened, his can flickering to blue for a brief moment as he processed what exactly she said.

”...What?“

Her expression softened. ”I know Erratic Pulse was you, Pebbles.“ Before he tried to speak again, she cut him off. ”Don't deny it, please. Suns told me everything about what they sent to you. I know.”

“N...no, you don't,” he stammered, “I'm not—”

“Pebbles.”

He remained silent. Moon sighed.

“I'm not going to lecture you. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me what's going on so I can do something about it. Please.“

He looked down to the floor, fiddling with his robe in his hands. ”What else do you want me to say? You already know what Erratic Pulse thought.“

Seems like he gave up. Finally... She put a hand on his shoulder.

“Pebbles...?“

”I don't want your pity,“ he snapped. Static coated his voice as he began to tremble, still refusing to look up at his older sister. She could see countless emotions going through his mind as he spoke. Anger, fear... Shame.

...Talking about his feelings clearly won't be beneficial in this situation. What could she do instead?

”Hey.“ She spoke barely above a whisper.

”If I lost you... I don't think I'd know what to do. My job as Group Senior is to protect the rest of the group. I would never be able to forgive myself if I failed to protect my own brother. You get that, right...?“

He nodded, hesitantly.

”And Suns. Surely you know how much you mean to them. I... will admit I can't understand why they said what they did to you, at least, not fully... Especially considering they knew about your condition. Bugs in mazes... what a nihilistic view of our plight. But I also know how much you look up to them and how important that is to them. They regret what they said to you greatly, they told me this. I think they feel similar to me.“

Silence.

”Even Sig, as much as you two butt heads.“

”He seemed to have a good time laughing about it when it was first brought up,” he muttered. Moon quickly jumped on that train of thought.

“You know he has trouble staying on serious topics, Pebbles. I have known him since his creation, I watched that defense mechanism develop in real time. It is not due to a lack of care.”

She waited for some kind of rebuttal... but he seemed to have nothing. All that escaped from him was vague sputtering, maybe some “I”s, “You”s, and “But”s in there, but nothing that could be directly translated into a coherent sentence. She really hated seeing him like this.

“We all care about you. More than you'd ever know.”

Finally, something in him seemed to crack. His resolve was faltering. He wrapped his arms around himself as he hunched forward, mechanical whirring and whining filling the air of his chamber. Anti gravity slowly ceased to a halt as he gradually lowered to the floor, her hologram following suit. She stood there watching his stubbornness fail him, quietly.

“...moon...”

She took a step closer as he strained to get the words out.

”what else... do I...“

She wrapped her arms around him. A pause.

”Please.“

Despite his pleading, he did not pull away.

Just that one word seemed to take everything in him to say, the strained whisper giving away its forced nature. He did not say anything after this, nor did she expect him to. Despite his usual verbosity, it was quite common for him to enter episodes where it seemed like it was physically painful to speak, especially under moments of high stress. In these times, the best thing for him has always been yes/no questions, and quiet. So, she whispered.

”Are you okay with me touching you?“

He nodded sharply, before quickly returning her embrace while the lights in his chamber faded out, squeezing her tightly as his legs gave in. Gently, she fell down with him. Allowing her hologram to simulate touch is something that requires a lot of energy, and may be unwise given her situation... But right now, it's worth it.

And so the two sat in silence, Moon gently rubbing her brother's back as she felt all the extra water he was using cascade back downward in pouring rain, relief filling her systems as slowly, enough groundwater was gathered to revitalize her. No matter how much he begged for her to please let him go, she wasn't going to. They were going to figure this out, together.

That's what big sisters are for, after all.