Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

mother effing yellowjackets

3:12 pm

mari
so i got to the locker room early cause i wanted to shower before practice and natalie was laying on one of the benches with her head in lottie’s lap?????????? what is going on
like there was tension in that room am i losing it

van
oh you sweet summer child

Taissa
Do we have to do this again?

van
sweet precious new member of the varsity team: get used to it

lottie
we were listening to the new boygenius album what is the problem????

Taissa
Oh jesus christ.

van
NOT HELPING YOUR CASE LMAAAOOOO

mari
and why were YOU listening to the sad lesbian music???? 🤨🤨🤨🤨

lottie
music doesn’t have a sexuality???? also nat was sleepy. what is the issue

mari
THIS is what i have to get used to???????

lottie
what is the problem??

van
yep.

Taissa
Yes.

.

It wasn’t like the entirety of Wiskayok High School rejected Lottie Matthews when she moved from wherever-the-fuck rich town in the mountains, but… okay, maybe it was a little like that. Nat wasn’t sure why, she didn’t see how Lottie was any different from Jackie Taylor, but then again, she tried to stay away from everyone as much as possible, so she didn’t really know much about anybody. That was how she liked it.

She liked walking to school alone, hunched in on herself as the wind got colder with every passing day. She liked roaming the halls alone, with only the occasional eye falling astray to watch her as she stomped along the dirty tiles of Wiskayok High. Most of those stray eyes were jocks staring at her ass in yesterday’s pants, anyway, which is fucking gross, so she tunes all of it out.

She might have her earbuds in at all times, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t notice footsteps behind her that October. Being completely baked by fourth period does not mean that she doesn’t notice the second shadow following her to the bathroom. She does think it's a gigantic lizard-beast coming to challenge her to a duel, but then she gets inside the bathroom and sees a very much not scaly, not green girl standing behind her.

A not-lizard girl with dark hair, deep, searching eyes, and a pink skirt on. A girl who looks like she is coming to the realization that she is very much caught.

She whirls around to face this new girl, common sense clouded by the weed Nat is quick to anger, and she considers just straight punching her, but before she can even ask What the fuck do you want –

“I’m Lottie. And you’re Natalie Scatorccio. And I’m Lottie. Matthews. Well, technically I’m Charlotte Matthews, but everyone calls me Lottie.” The girl frowns. “Well. I like to be called Lottie.”

Too high and confused to make any sense of her words, but soothed enough to not be inclined to hit this Lottie anymore, Nat crosses her arms over her chest. “And?”

“And… I don’t have any friends here, and, no offense, but you don’t really seem to have any friends, either… So I guess I thought maybe we should form an alliance?”

She laughs. It’s rude, but she’s too high to do the polite thing and resist straight up laughing at this new girl who's just asked Nat to be her friend.

“Yeah, no.” Nat puts a hand on Lottie’s shoulder, annoyed by how far she has to reach to do it. “Sorry, Charlotte Matthews, you’ll probably understand it a little better once you’ve been here a little longer, but I don’t do ‘friends’.”

“Everybody does friends ,” Charlotte Matthews protests, following Nat back out into the hallway, which is clearing out as the warning bell rings.

“Nope.” Nat keeps walking. A lizard creature shadow slides back behind her. “And stop following me. Following me is not going to make you the type of friends you can take back to your house with your closet full of skirts just like that in all different colors.”

She keeps walking, and the lizard creature gets smaller. Good .

When she thinks back on that day–which is not often. Only like once a month. Or maybe once a week. A day. Maybe several times a day. Whenever she walks past Jackie Taylor, forever adorned with Shauna Shipman at her shoulder, now with a dull-eyed Lottie Matthews walking heavily at her side.

Sometimes Lottie looks at her with what might be regret, and then Nat thinks about how the lizard thing got smaller and smaller in the hallway, and then she heard a soft, sad, “I only have one of this skirt,” and it was the first thing that had actually made her smile all month. 

She doesn’t face Lottie when she smiles. It’s for the better. She wouldn’t want to give Lottie false hope.

.

She meant what she said that day, even if it was a little overly angsty or dramatic. She doesn’t have any friends, and she doesn’t want any. After her Dad died, nobody really wanted to be her friend, and Kevyn Tan wasn’t hard to get away from after he heard what happened after he left Nat’s house that day. At first it’s lonely, but Nat decides that she likes the solitary life. If nobody’s close to her, nobody can hurt her. She couldn’t care less about the strangers she shares classes with, couldn’t give less of a shit if Jackie Taylor thinks she’s a slut, or whatever the rumor of the week is.

Yet, she sees another shadow following her the next week after homeroom. Nat lets it be for a while, just watching it, noticing now, sober, that it doesn’t really look like a lizard monster at all, she’s just a tall girl. Then she rounds a corner, and really, she’s still here? Following Nat around like she’s her fucking babysitter?

“Fuck off, Matthews.”

Lottie promptly makes a hard right into a classroom, calling, “Bye Nat!” as she walks into the room that was apparently her final destination.

She chooses to believe that Lottie was, in fact, following her and that she just so happened to speak up about it at the same time that Lottie reached her classroom. The other option, that Lottie was just walking where she needed to get and Natalie happened to be in front of her, and then Nat yelled at her to go away? That is embarrassing as shit. She doesn’t need that on her conscience.

She feels brown eyes in a short skirt on her as she walks away, and she feels mollified.

.

mother effing yellowjackets

12:38 pm

shauna
why is womens soccer so queer
like the whole national team. gay asf
i dont mean it like its a bad thing, but like, just curious

van
idk but me personally i am committed to keeping soccer gay

nat
keep soccer gay 2k23

lottie
i would sign that petition

Taissa
Lottie you would sign any petition if it was Nat handing it to you.

shauna
😳😳😳😳

mari
while we're on the topic. are they dating or???

van
who nat and lottie?

mari
who else

van
old news
unfortunately as they would tell it no

lottie
nooo we’re just friends

nat
naw
why does everyone think that

lottie
for real
every new varsity member always thinks we’re dating. like. we are literally just friends who both play soccer

van
will lottie and nat ever escape the lovers allegations? truly who can say

lottie
we WILL

nat
stfu van nobody cares

van
hmm
whats that shakespeare quote?? the one. the relevant one

crystal
the lady doth protest too much

van
THATS THE BITCH

nat
well jokes on you i dont know what that means so you cant burn me

lottie
it means that someone is denying something a suspicious amount!! hope that helps :)) 

jackie
yeah theyre never escaping those allegations

.

Fucking Lottie Matthews. She should have known that Charlotte Matthews would have something to do with this.

First of all, her perfectly good nap in second period was ruined when her name was called over the intercom, summoning her to the principal's office. Second of all, she was summoned to the fucking principals office. What the fuck? What’d they do, find the weed in her locker? She’s usually very careful to keep it all on her person, Natalie knows the snitches they call students at this school would rat her out in a heartbeat. Wiskayok High’s very male principal is more than willing to go through any locker for any reason at any given time, but patting down a female student? Not so much.

Regardless, Natalie stumbles her way to the principal's office, still wiping sleep out of her eyes and wondering how old the weed they found is for her to have left in her locker. (It has to be weed. She's been very careful about leaving anything more intense than weed at home. Weed will get her a slap on the wrist, maybe some detention, but it's nothing new. They can't have found anything worse, right?)

She bursts into the office, fumbling for an explanation (Randy Walsh planted the weed in her locker because Natalie refused to sleep with him. That’s believable, right?) only to find absolutely zero weed, and one Charlotte Matthews smiling way too much for nine in the morning.

“Morning, Nat!” she chirps, smirking. “Good to see you again.”

Natalie scowls. “Hey, Lottie. Good to see you, too.”

Principal Johnson actually smiles at Natalie, which is really fucking unusual. “Good morning, Miss Scatorccio. Please, have a seat.” He gestures to the empty seat beside Lottie.

Looking at Lottie and Principal Johnson and unable to find anything but genuine smiles, she slinks into the seat.

“Miss Scatorccio, I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re here. And, for once, I can assure you, you aren’t in trouble.”

Natalie raises an eyebrow. She and Principal Johnson have spent lots of time together, most of it him chewing her out and telling her that all the drugs and alcohol are “Bad for her future”. Like she has one of those.

“This is actually about Miss Matthews. Miss Matthews has been having some trouble adjusting, and so we were thinking about giving a new system a try. Miss Scatorccio, you’ve been at our school district since kindergarten. You know your way around this building, you know our teachers, our students. You have all of the, ah, student inside information. We were thinking you could spend some time with Miss Matthews, show her the ropes, as it were.”

Strange. He’s being unusually gentle to Natalie.

“And, Miss Scatorccio, let’s face it, you could use the involvement.”

There it is.

Natalie rolls her eyes, shifting in her chair to get up.

“There was one other thing, right, Principal Johnson?”

He looks at Lottie and smiles appeasingly. “Ah. Right, yes, of course. We would give you and Miss Matthews one additional period a day to yourselves. Provided you work it out with our counselors to still meet your graduation requirements, you would have an additional study hall to pass on your wisdom to Miss Matthews.”

What does he expect Nat to do, teach Lottie how to roll a blunt?

Still. More time out of class. Nat looks at Lottie. She’s smirking, only showing a little bit of an ulterior motive. Nat sighs.

“Fine. I’ll show her the ropes, or whatever.”

Lottie breaks out into a smile. A much wider one than Nat’s ever seen on her lips before, and she’s surprised by the effect it has on her. Principal Johnson’s words travel through water before they reach Natalie’s ears, she’s too focused on Lottie’s wonderful smile, at the laugh tinkling out of her mouth at the stupid look on Nat’s face.

She only recovers when Lottie schools her expression and she hears the tail-end of Principal Johnson telling them to go back to class.

Lottie leaves first, shooting a smirk over her shoulder at Natalie.

She sits slumped in her chair for a moment, forgetting about Principal Johnson altogether. The fuck was that?

Speaking of which.

“Hey. Charlotte. What the fuck was that?” Nat has to practically jog to catch up with Lottie’s long legs and head start.

She slows her pace for Natalie, looking down at her, eyebrows raised in clear amusement. “What? I just got you out of a class that you hate.”

“You don’t even know which class you got me out of.”

“Does it matter?”

Lottie has her there.

Nat smirks. “Whatever, dude. Why’d you do that?”

She shrugs. “I wanted to see you again.”

“What, following me around in the hallways wasn’t enough for you?”

Lottie looks down at the floor. “You clearly didn’t want me following you around the hallways. I figured you might like me following you around a little more if I was also getting you out of a class. Which one do you think you’ll get out of? I’m not sure yet, either, but my fifth period class is a real drag and I’ve taken basically the same thing at my old school.”

Nat has trig fifth period. The counselor will probably let her take remedial algebra or some shit twelfth grade if she spits out a sob story about her dead dad. “Yeah, fifth period sucks ass.”

Lottie actually laughs at that, the way she did back in the principal’s office when Nat agreed to show her around. 

“It really does,” she says, still smiling from the laughing, and Natalie can’t hold back her own smile.  She’s not really so bad, this Charlotte Matthews. Maybe Nat underestimated her.

“Well. I should probably get back to class. I’ll see you fifth period?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you fifth period.” Nat presses her lips together to keep from smiling.

Lottie doesn’t do a thing to hold back her magnificent smile, and it takes Nat’s breath away. “Bye, Nat.”

The exchange is stretching out longer than it needs to, Natalie can feel awkwardness seeping into the dingy tile beneath her feet, but she still lets her breath out a moment longer before she speaks. “Bye, Charlotte.”

Lottie walks away, flipping Nat off over her shoulder. 

Nat huffs out a laugh. Lottie. She’ll call her Lottie to her face, someday. Just not today.

.

mother effing yellowjackets

5:21 pm

jackie
remember girls we’re all getting food after practice tomorrow for team bonding no excuses!

nat
who is this

lottie
that’s jackie, love

nat
thx

shauna
nat do you not have her number saved??? lmao

jackie
natalie thinks shes SOOOOOO funny

shauna
its a LITTLE funny

nat
yea jackie listen to ur bff

shauna
like. you guys clearly know each other super well your bickering sibling friendship is fucking hilarious

nat
what. no. lies

jackie
yeah shauna ily but thats bs

nat
who said that

jackie
FUCKS SAKE NAT

lottie
dw jackie ill make her apologize tmrw for team bonding

nat
THE HELL YOU WILL

lottie
natalie.

nat
fiiiiiiiine
not until tomorrow

shauna
……………..

van
………………………

Tai
………………………………………..

mari
…

jackie
lol whipped bitch

van
JACKIE NO

nat
I WILL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT TAYLOR

lottie
nat !

nat
and then i will sew it back up again.

van
nice save

lottie
let her live

.

It’s become a sort of protest, somehow. That they don’t know each other, that Nat doesn’t call her Lottie because they aren’t close.

“Hey, Charlotte.”

“It’s a wonderful fifth period, today, Charlotte.”

“Fuck your history homework, Charlotte.”

Only, it kind of backfires. Because, okay. Maybe Lottie isn’t that bad. And maybe she’s a little bit funny, and there’s a miniscule chance that Nat actually finds herself enjoying her company. But she’s committed to the bit now, and Natalie Scatorccio is nothing if not somebody who sees things through. So she can’t back down now. Only, now ‘Charlotte’ is starting to feel like fond teasing instead of annoying teasing.

She says, “Hey, Charlotte,” and somewhere deep down, she thinks, “I missed you, Charlotte.”

She says, “It’s a wonderful fifth period, today, Charlotte,” and she means that “It’s a wonderful fifth period because I’m spending it with you, Charlotte.”

She says, “Fuck your history homework, Charlotte,” and she means, “Fuck your history homework, you should look at me instead, Charlotte.”

Charlotte alone becomes so sacred that Nat fears what will happen on the day that she finally gives in and says the name aloud that she calls the girl with the enchanting brown eyes and fluffy hair in her head all the time. Lottie. It’s what she calls the girl who occupies entirely too much of her thoughts in her head all the time, but she’s terrified to say it out loud. She’s gotten this far without saying it, she’s afraid that if she breaks now she’ll drop down dead. Cause of death? Embarrassment. She can see the headlines now. ‘Teenage punk bisexual deceased from saying femme girls cute nickname aloud’ .

She shivers.

“Nat. Hey, Nat. Natalie.”

Lottie waves her hand in front of Nat’s face.

“Anyone home?”

Heat rushes to her cheeks. “Sorry. What?”

Lottie smirks the way she does whenever she catches Nat zoning out staring at her, which has been annoyingly frequent, lately.

“I was asking if you wanted to come over to mine after practice, but I guess whatever shit you smoked during lunch is more important, I’ll be fine.” She says it with an air of lightness, of jest, but it hits deep all the same.

“I’m sober right now.”

Lottie raises an eyebrow, still smirking at Nat. “Okay.”

“I am. I’m sober, I didn’t smoke anything during lunch. My water bottle’s just water. You can give me your fucking breathalizer test or whatever, I swear I'm fucking sober.”

“Okay.” She must see the desperation in Nat’s eyes, the dull ache begging for just one drag, just one sip. The ache that she has been denying for weeks, fulfilling with another drug instead, one with dark, mesmerizing eyes and thick bangs with a soft spot for mini skirts. Natalie has been gorging herself on Lottie, and honestly? It’s been helping a lot.

“Okay. I believe you, Nat.” 

She can feel those brown eyes on her as she looks down, trying to wipe away the tears burning in her eyes as quickly as they come. Stupid. Weak. She shouldn’t be getting worked up over this. Who even cares if Lottie believes her? Natalie sure as hell shouldn’t.

But she isn’t crying anymore because she’s upset. She does care, a whole fucking lot, because she’s crying tears of relief. That somebody, that Lottie believes her.

“Hey. C’mere.” Lotte pulls Nat over for a hug, but they’re sitting in chairs, and Lottie pulls Nat all the way off her chair, so now she’s basically sitting in Lottie’s lap. 

If anything, it’s a wonderful method to get her to stop crying.

Lottie holds Natalie close to her chest, rocking her, whispering soothing words until she stops crying. Her lips move Nat’s hair when she speaks.

“Come over to mine after practice?”

Nat nods into Lottie’s chest.

.

mother effing yellowjackets

9:31 pm

mari
quick question. is anyone on varsity NOT queer??

van
welp.

Taissa
Choose your next words carefully.

van
well I am definitely gay asf for tai

Taissa
Good choice.

mari
ew.
anyway
van and tai are gay, lottie’s gay… anyone else?

nat
WHSDLKFJLAKSH HUH

jackie
i am an ally !

shauna
not gay 

Taissa
Lol.

nat
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

mari
natalie what

van
shes buffering
give her a minute

Taissa
Nat’s bi, though.
She’s being very obvious, too.

lottie
is she okay??????? how often does this happen????????

van
oh only every once in a while. more lately tho. she’s surprised that you’re gay

lottie
i mean my ig bio is a boygenius quote and my pfp is julien baker i just thought everyone knew

mari
exactly thats how i knew

nat
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggghhhhhhh

van
that girl does not check her instagram for the life of her

Taissa
To answer the question: Nobody’s straight, that’s for sure.

shauna
um.

Taissa
Yeah, no.

shauna
????

nat
yea give it like a year

lottie
oh thank god

.

Nat isn’t sure what she expected when Lottie scribbled her address onto Nat’s wrist, but she sure wasn’t expecting the street name to be fucking Lawlor. Jackie Taylor wishes she lives on Lawlor, street of the big ass mansions. The mansions bigger than Jackie Taylor’s mansion. And Jackie Taylor’s mansion is fucking huge.

Because yeah, maybe she’s been to a few of the team sleepovers at Jackie’s. They’re not what Natalie would call fun, but they were better than being at home with Dad. She hasn’t gone to one since he died, though, the girls kept looking at her weird. It might have been a stretch to say that they were all friends before, but they were something. Something tangible, people to smile at in the hallways, to form groups with for group projects when the pickings were slim. 

They aren’t much of anything anymore, even though Nat still catches Van Palmer watching her in Spanish and Taissa Turner pulls her aside after practice every now and then and stares into Nat’s soul with her big brown eyes and asks if she needs to talk about anything. It’s whatever. Taissa only does it on the days that Nat fucks up their game, anyway, so it’s obvious that she only cares about Natalie when she’s a potential liability. 

It works, anyway, because Natalie does not like having Taissa Turner examining her soul and she does not want to be a liability.

There aren’t any sidewalks on Lawlor, and Nat’s afraid that she’ll catch a lawsuit if she touches her ratty converse onto any of the perfectly manicured lawns with the decoratively trimmed bonsais and the fucking fountains and gates, so she walks on the street. One foot on the curb, one on the asphalt, Natalie trudges her way to Lottie’s house.

The house with the numbers on the wall that match the ones scrawled in messy writing on Natalie’s arm does not have a gate, allowing Nat to walk right up the walkway to the door.

It takes an awful lot of nerve to ring the doorbell, and Nat wishes for a moment that she had a cigarette to ease the nerves, but then she thinks of the way Lottie’s eyes lit up when Nat told her earlier that she was sober. Just remembering the light in her eyes keeps her standing on the stoop–although it’s so fancy that calling it a stoop seems inadequate–and her back even straightens.

A woman opens the door. Judging by her clothing and the way she doesn’t give Natalie a dirty look just for standing on the porch, probably someone employed by Lottie’s father. Woah. Obviously the Matthews were rich. They lived on fucking Lawlor, but Nat hadn’t pictured a housekeeper when she thought about Lottie traipsing about that great big house. She makes a mental note to adjust her mental picture of the whole scene later. For now, the woman at the door is tilting her head and squinting at Natalie.

“Hmm. You don’t look like you’re here to sell me Girl Scout cookies. Nor do you look like you’re here to tell me about our lord and savior.”

Nat smirks. “Is Lottie home?”

“I should have known.” The woman opens the door up wider and steps aside, ushering Natalie inside. “Please, come inside. You must be Natalie. Lottie’s been going on and on about you–”

“Marie!” Lottie appears in the doorway behind the employee, panting and pink. She grabs onto Natalie’s hand and pulls her inside. “Nat, this is our Housekeeper, Marie. Marie, this is my friend from school, Natalie.” Nat nods at Marie, who smiles at her. Satisfied with the introductions, Lottie yanks Nat away and whisks her up a staircase before she can fully realize how barren the house is for a place so fancy. At some point, being dragged up the stairs behind Lottie and still getting accustomed to being inside, Nat starts giggling. She can hear Lottie laughing, too, and by the time Lottie’s lead her through hallways and behind what must be the door to her room, they’re both laughing uncontrollably.

Lottie flops down onto her bed, holding her stomach, and Nat slides down the door, landing on the floor, hugging her knees as she laughs. Whenever they calm down they make eye contact, and then they’re set off again, laughing like a pack of hyenas. 

Taking deep breaths to calm herself down, Nat looks around Lottie’s room. It’s interesting, but it also seems exactly right. Watching Lottie chuckle on her bed, wiping tears out of her eyes from laughing too hard, she blends in perfectly. She has bookshelves filled with self-analysis how-to’s, tarot instructions, crystal indexes. But there are novels, too, young adult, science fiction, romance, fantasy. Her dresser is covered in various rocks, but she also has a display of little origami swans, and it feels like a perfect blend that all mixes together to form Lottie.

She sits up in her bed, fixing her gaze on Natalie. “I heard you talking from upstairs, you know.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I was watching from the window as you walked up.”

“Alright, creep,” Nat says jokingly. “What’s the big deal?”

Lottie smirks at her. “When you asked if I was home. You didn’t ask for Charlotte. You asked for Lottie.”

Oh.

Heat rushes to Nat’s cheeks. “Whatever. I didn’t know who Marie was, I wasn’t sure if she would know who I was talking about if I said Charlotte.”

“Yeah, right you didn’t.”

“Shut up.” Lottie’s right, and they both know it. 

“You’ll call me Lottie to my face someday.” She doesn’t say it like a question. She says it like a command, like she’s absolutely positive that she’ll know Nat long enough for them to know each other that well.

Normally this is when Nat pushes herself away from people, when they start making promises about the future, no matter how vague. The voice in the back of her head is telling her to make an excuse, to stop at the liquor store on the way home. 

For the first time, she ignores the voice. She stays in Lottie’s room, goes and sits beside her on the bed when Lottie pats the spot next to her on what must be a king sized mattress. She rolls her eyes but grins when Lottie lays herself across Nat’s lap, feeling herself be acclimated into the environment. She’s becoming one with the origami and crystals, and honestly? It feels pretty fucking good. 

Lottie curls herself into Nat and looks up at her, reaching up an arm to tug on Nat’s hair to make her look down.

“Admit it. Admit that you’re going to call me Lottie someday.”

Nat laughs, shoving Lottie’s head. “Whatever, Charlotte.”

Lottie laughs and puts herself right back into Nat’s lap, her smirk widening, even though she doesn’t push it, Nat has a feeling she just gave Lottie some nonverbal ‘yes’ cue that she wasn’t even aware she was sending.

She doesn’t want to give Lottie false hope, but this doesn’t feel false at all.

 Natalie has never felt more real.

.

mother effing yellowjackets

11:24 pm

nat
someone tell lottie to fucking get over herself and talk to me

mari
do i smell drama??????

nat
gtfo

van
lottie fucking get over yourself
what happened???

jackie
personally i’m with lottie

nat
i literally could not care less

Taissa
Why should Lottie be getting over herself?
This will affect my opinion.

nat
she’s being a stuck up loser

lottie
I AM BEING REASONABLE
YOU ARE BEING A STUBBORN ASS

van
THERE YOU ARE 
what happened!!!!

lottie
natalie has never eaten a fig and she refuses to try my fig jam

nat
your fancy ass gross ass fig jam

van
lmaoooooo

mari
that’s it???????

lottie
figs are not that fancy!!! and they’re really good!!!!

nat
they are fancy as FUCK and do you know how they are made lottie????? hmmm???? bees fucking die in figs for them to grow into fruit!!!!!!!! fucking gross!

lottie
nat that is the best part of eating a fig. i fuckingn hate bees every time i eat a fig it’s like a great big f u to bees. once in kindergarten i got three bee stings in a day 

Taissa
Lottie you had me until the part where you encouraged eating bees.

lottie
it’s not really eating a bee!!!! they like. melt or smth idk. but ur not ACTUALLY eating a bee

nat
do the stingers melt???? what if a little bee bone doesn’t melt all the way and gets caught in my throat and i die?!

lottie
natalie bees do not have bones they have exoskeletons

nat
no idea what that means

Taissa
Their bones are on the outside

nat
so they’re like the berries of living animals

Taissa
…… I guess?

mari
HOW ARE BEES BERRIES WTF IS HAPPENING

lottie
it’s like how the seeds are on the outside of berries the bones are on the outside

nat
duh

lottie
eat my fig jam now pls

nat
i would rather die

mari
you guys are really fucking weird

nat
don’t worry i can’t stand you

lottie
actually she has your number saved with your name!!
can’t say that for everyone in here….

jackie
SAVE MY NUMBER GODDAMNIT
NATALIE WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE KINDERGARTEN

nat
who’s that

lottie
that’s jackie :))

jackie
SAVE. IT.

mari
i actually feel kind of special now

nat
don’t.

lottie
you are very special :))

.

Natalie surprises herself with how good her grades are when her final report card for grade eleven comes out. She has a fucking B+ in English. A B fucking +. Mom couldn’t care less, because when Nat holds it in front of her face she’s barely coherent, anyway. Nat doesn’t really care, though. She learned to stop caring about Mom a long time ago. Lottie, however, is a completely different story. She’s ecstatic when Nat shows her, literally picks her up and spins her around in Lottie’s bedroom, nearly shoving Nat’s head up into the drywall. Nat couldn’t care less, she’s too busy enjoying the breeze and the fondness in Lottie’s eyes.

They go out to a diner to celebrate, and Nat orders a hot chocolate with whipped cream, and Lottie teases her about it and her whipped cream mustache, but she reaches across the table and wipes it off Nat's upper lip and then licks it off her finger, and Natalie suddenly forgets all about her report card. She’s just staring at Lottie, at her finger, her lips, tongue, and Lottie’s eyes widen slightly when she looks at Nat, like she’s just realizing what she’s done. Her lips twist into a guilty smile, then Nat laughs, then Lottie laughs, and just like that, the moment is over. The electricity that sparked when Lottie swiped her finger across Nat’s lip evaporates into the thick, bacon-scented diner air as quickly as it came.

Nat sleeps over at Lottie’s that night, because it's summer and she’s almost eighteen and it’s not like Mom notices that she’s gone, anyway. And she tells herself it’s because Lottie’s bed is more comfortable, and she has much softer blankets. There’s also much better company, but Lottie’s ego doesn’t need to be any bigger, not after the graduating seniors from the soccer team let it slip that Coach Martinez was most likely going to make Lottie team captain next year.

Lottie obviously isn’t arrogant about it at all, Nat’s been talking about it more than Lottie has. It’s new for her, this feeling in her chest. Pride. For someone else. Because she is. She’s proud of Lottie. They didn’t really talk last soccer season, but Lottie’s fucking good. Really fucking good. She deserves it, and someone needs to say it, and if Lottie isn’t going to, Natalie’s going to remind her as many times as it takes for her to get it in her head.

“It’s all because of you, you know,” she whispers much later, when the stars are high above and Lottie’s curled up in bed beside her. 

Lottie rolls onto her side and looks at Natalie in the dark. “Your report card? That’s bullshit.”

“No, Lot, it’s not. I didn’t give a shit, but you made me give a little bit of a shit. We were fucking efficient in fifth period.”

“No. I didn’t do the work, Nat. You did. I’m so proud of you, but you’re the only one who gets credit for your hard work.”

Nat doesn’t bother arguing any more, although she doesn’t agree. She knows more arguing will only make them both upset. It’s her team captain, she supposes. 

Plus, Lottie doesn’t point out that Nat called her not even Lottie but ‘Lot’, a nickname for a nickname, although, knowing Lottie, she definitely noticed. She just knew it would embarrass Natalie, so she let it go.

They’re starting to understand each other in those ways. 

Natalie sleeps best on the nights that she sleeps at Lottie’s house.

.

mother effing yellowjackets

2:54 am

jackie
i cannot imagine being natalie scatorccio trying to scroll through this gc the night after a party with the hundreds of incomprehensible texts and all the unsaved numbers 😭😭😭

nat
i actually have everyone saved but you

jackie
WHAT THE FUCK SCATORCCIO

lottie
this does mean she knows it’s you whenever you text bc she has everyone else saved
she just likes getting under your skin

nat
ur really easy to wind up

jackie
SAVE MY NUMBER

nat
no

jackie
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

lottie
case in point

van
god i love this soccer team

.

The Monday after tryouts, Nat is not surprised when she sees Lottie’s name at the top of the varsity list, right next to the words ‘Team Captain’. Even Jackie seems at least a little happy, in her sort of pouty, bitchy way (she nudges Lottie on the shoulder and half-smiles at her and says ‘Don’t mess it up, Cap’ while Lottie’s still rushing to get her first glimpse of the schedule).

And everyone congratulates Lottie, even Misty fucking Quigley (whose name is on the roster, for some reason? Below all the players, neatly typed out:’ Misty Quigley; Team Manager’. The girl probably snuck into Coach Martinez’s office and added it herself) cheers and shouts and jumps up and down with more zeal than the situation requires. Nat doesn’t say anything while the entire team rallies around Lottie, just watches with a small smile, a newer one, one that feels different on her face than her usual smile. She’s been doing it since she started hanging out with Lottie, more and more lately. 

Nat doesn’t feel upset about being torn away from Lottie as she’s engulfed in the group celebration, because when it ends and they all disperse to start getting ready for practice, Lottie returns to Nat’s side like she’s coming back to her center of gravity after a high jump. And they link hands automatically as they pick lockers next to each other, and Nat whispers, “I’m so proud of you, Lot,” and Lottie smiles, bigger and in a different way than she did for everyone else. Natalie loves when Lottie smiles like that, because she only does it when she looks at Nat. 

It makes her feel warm inside, that smile of Lottie’s.

They have a sleepover at Lottie’s house afterwards, because it’s a Friday night and they both know that Nat would rather be with Lottie than be alone, and Lottie pulls Nat aside before she leaves school and tells her that she’s staying the night, not asks her if she wants to, because they also both know that Nat would rather be alone than admit that she would rather be with Lottie.

They shower in stalls that are next to each other in the locker room and whenever Nat catches a glimpse of Lottie’s feet or hands above and below the stall she feels a flutter in her chest that she chalks up to nerves for the first game of the season, even though it’s not for a month.

Nat sits in the passenger seat of Lottie’s fancy ass car, and they drive past Van and Tai walking out of the locker room while they leave. Lottie waves eagerly, so Nat rolls her eyes and waves, too.

“Didn’t take you for a passenger princess, Scatorccio,” Van teases, smirking at Natalie. 

Nat flips Van off. “Drive.”

Lottie takes the command to heart, and they burst out of the Wiskayok High School parking lot at a ridiculous speed, Van’s laughter and Taissa’s complaints barely audible in their hasty exit. Lottie looks at Nat in the rearview mirror, and there’s a smile in her eyes, some fondness, some unspoken words, and Natalie feels her own eyes reflecting everything and more right back.

“Passenger princess, huh?”

Natalie flicks her shoulder. “Oh, fuck you.”

Lottie laughs, that beautiful thing that haunts Nat’s dreams.

They greet Marie inside and head up to Lottie’s room. Nat hates Lottie’s house, because it’s disgustingly empty, but she loves Lottie’s room. It’s perfect, and it’s Lottie’s. She tolerates the necessary evil of walking through Lottie’s parents house to get to Lottie’s room.

“I can’t believe he made me team captain,” Lottie says, stretched out on her bed.

Nat braids a strand of Lottie’s hair the way Jackie was trying to teach her at lunch. She leans over, so her face is above Lottie’s. “I can.”

“Piss off.” She rolls her eyes. “You always believe in me.”

“That’s the point, yes.”

Lottie just looks up at her for a long time after that. Long enough that she’s actually starting to get the hang of this braiding thing. Then Lottie sits up abruptly in the middle of a braid, and it’s only now that Nat notices how glossy her eyes are.

“Nat.”

She says it like a question, like a prayer, like a lifeline. Whatever she said next, she could have asked for anything, and Natalie would have complied.

Her eyes hold everything, her lips twitch with everything they could possibly say, and instead of saying everything she says, “Thank you.”

Then she throws herself into Nat, into her soul and into her arms, and jesus Natalie has never been hugged like this before. Like someone’s entire being is in her embrace.

She steps out on a limb and offers her entire being to Lottie, hugging tightly back.

“Not like you wouldn’t do the same for me, right?” she murmurs into Lottie’s ear.

Nat doesn’t need to be thanked, really. She doesn’t need to hear everything else, either. She already knows everything Lottie’s thinking, because she’s thinking it, too.

.

mother effing yellowjackets

9:13 pm

van
everybody who has been personally victimized by nat and lottie making u feel like a third wheel even tho they insist they arent together please speak up im starting a support group

shauna
lmaoo what happened

van
so lottie asked me to go to the carnival with her and nat

shauna
that was a red flag u shoulda seen it thats on u sorry

van
I KNOW but first of all they shared a funnel cake and nat was literally feeding it to lottie

nat
she had whipped cream on her hands what was i supposed to do

jackie
idk maybe get her a napkin

van
oh she did do that too, just after she fed lottie for like five fucking minutes

lottie
the view from the ferris wheel was so cool i think i could see our field

van
you are not allowed to talk about the “view” you were staring at natalie the whole time
guys i need you to be so real right now nothing was platonic about that

shauna
well one time i did a drill with lottie and nat n they bickered like an old married couple the whole time i had no idea what was going on. terrifying. never again

jackie
yeah one time i did a project with lottie for french and nat wasnt even THERE but lottie talked about her so much i felt like i was third wheeling

mari
lmaoooooooooooo
i asked lottie to go with me to the bbq fundraiser for the girls volleyball team and she brought nat without consulting me and then when i spilled bbq sauce on my shirt nat laughed at me then lottie made her apologize and then we left and they stole me a new shirt at tjmaxx i felt like i was third wheeling but i also felt like id been adopted by better parents. so

Taissa
One time I was the last person left in the locker room with Lottie and Nat. We weren’t even hanging out, we were just in the same room. It was nauseating.

nat
mari did u ever talk to that girl on the volleyball team

mari
NATALIE

lottie
NAT
DONT EMBARRASS HER

nat
sorry
but like did u

mari
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

lottie
what about the matching shirt that i took from tjmaxx for her did u give it to her yet

mari
leave me aloooooooonneeee

nat
wow
they grow up so fast

van
congrats to lottie and natalie for having their first kid together and now being empty nesters i guess

lottie
its tough but we’re getting through it together

shauna
and now everyone in this gc has been a third wheel personally victimized by lottie and nat

.

Nat could have seen this coming in her sleep, but Lottie turns out to be an excellent team captain. She always knows just what to say, what kind of energy they need, be it tough love, gentle scolding, an angry wake-up call, a team chant. Whatever it is, Lottie can somehow sense the vibe and act accordingly. She can also tell when it isn’t words they need at all, but silence. Sometimes they don’t need words, they just need time to reflect and come to conclusions on their own, and Lottie knows and respects that. Plus, she’s an excellent strategist with a knack for winning coin tosses.

Before she got to know Lottie, Nat didn’t like being on the bench. She was always itching for the field, always feeling her legs twitch whenever one of her teammates made a good play that she wanted to be on the receiving end of, or whenever she would have made a different call if the ball were in her feet. 

Since getting to know Lottie, though? Completely different story. It’s not that Natalie doesn’t want to play, she still loves it. Lives for it. That rush, the exhilaration of running, the wind in her hair, ball between her feet. The dopamine rush whenever she dribbles around a defender, successfully passes the ball, not to mention whenever she or her teammates get the ball in the net. But when she’s subbed out, sitting on the bench, chugging water and pouring it over her face, drenched in sweat, she can’t help but be mesmerized by Lottie. She falls into a trance every single time, just watching her hair, her expression, the muscles in her legs rippling when she runs. 

Nat can always tell when Lottie’s going to score. Before she even gets the ball, before she shoots it with her foot, or knocks it with her head. There’s just something about her that shifts before she scores, something that travels through the air and wraps around Natalie. She grows still, even if she’s running, something in her very molecules slowing down.

Lottie scores a lot. They’re good like that.

There is something indescribable about their team, the Yellowjackets. She hears whispers of it sometimes in opposing teams, in their coaches and parents. There’s a way that they all blend when the whistle blows, a way that they all become one with the ball. Lottie’s the brain of their grand machine, and, Nat thinks whenever Lottie gets the ball in the net and turns right to her, beams straight at Natalie, runs for her, their collision of an embrace meeting in the middle, something about the feeling of sweat on her body that isn’t hers after these exchanges; there’s a certain way that they look at each other. A certain way that Nat thinks might make her the heart to Lottie’s brain. 

And Jackie can clear the ball from their defensive line no matter who had it before, and when she inevitably passes it to Shauna she darts down the field quicker than Natalie can track it. Then Tai’s open, and she boots it to Nat, then Nat makes the final move down the line, either shooting or passing to Lottie. It runs like clockwork. Pieces of the gears are still settling, but its all coming together. Mari, fresh to the varsity team, is still finding her way into her place, but she has clean footwork and she can throw the ball halfway across the field when it goes out of bounds. And, of course, Van is a fucking brick wall in goal.

All of them are incredible. Nat loves watching Lottie play the most, though. Nothing reinvigorates her in the second half of a game more than passing the ball off to Lottie, seeing her incredible stillness, and watching her swiftly kick the ball into the net. Nothing brings a smile to her face quicker than Lottie making a goal and looking to Nat before she looks to anyone else. They’re always the first to hug when they have a huge team hug whenever they win a game, and Nat has never felt so comfortable somewhere and with people in her life.

The soccer season has been going pretty well. They’ve played five games so far, won four, and tied once. The game they tied was zero to zero, the other team was fucking tough. 

Nat’s afraid they’re about to lose their streak, though, because the team they’re playing today is aggressive as fuck. Their strikers are pushing Jackie, Mari, and Crystal all over the field, and their defenders are not hesitating to grab onto whatever part of Nat they can to stop her from getting away from them. So far it’s been shirts, arms, and even her hair, which fucking hurt. She can deal with them messing with her. It’s whatever. She’s been messed with her whole life before Lottie, so she knows her limits, and it is nowhere near some petty girls on a fucking soccer team on a random Tuesday in October. What gets her riled up is that they’re not just fucking with Nat, they’re fucking with her team. And not just that, they’re fucking with Lottie. Tripping her, kicking her, pulling at her. Lottie’s taking it like it’s nothing, but she’s getting tired. The ref isn’t making any calls when he needs to be, isn’t giving them the yellow cards they deserve, and all of the Yellowjackets are getting tired of it. Really, they’re not as good as the Yellowjackets. They know it, and they’re getting desperate. And Nat is getting fucking sick of it.

The other team has just gotten a rare shot at Van. Jackie was blocking the girl who had the ball, Crystal was still getting up from being run over, and Mari was practically being held with her hands behind her back. The girl with the ball passed it, and there was nothing Jackie could do. Van blocks the shot, and they all heave a collective sigh of relief. Van kicks the ball to Jackie, starting a familiar pattern. Jackie passes to Shauna, who dribbles up the field. She gets caught up, surrounded three-to-one, but she manages to sneak it out to Laura Lee, who makes the wise decision of passing the ball to Tai. Tai has been a fucking beast, which has made Natalie’s respect for her go up considerably. She has been taking no shit from the other team, even matching them in their dirty plays on occasion. It’s a risk, but it’s been working so far. She’s good, she’s subtle. They kick her, she gets an elbow to their ribs. 

Plus, Taissa is intimidating as fuck, and some of the players on the other team back off as soon as they see the murderous look in her eye. But not number 48. She’s been giving all of them shit playing midfield, kicking Nat once she’s already passed the ball to Lottie, pushed Laura Lee so hard she practically did a flip as she fell. 

Number 48 rushes right up to Tai, but she passes the ball before they make contact. Surprisingly, she passes to Lottie. Usually when they work the ball up the line this way Tai passes to Natalie, then Nat brings it the rest of the way up and then Lottie gets the ball in the net. But they work the system every which way in practice, and it’s not like they don’t have two strikers. Nat knows what to do. Lottie takes the ball and runs, and now that she does Nat sees that it was a smart move on Tai’s part. The other team has been catching on to their routine, three players are near her, guarding, ready to block a pass, but nobody was right by Lottie. Now they all spread out, rushing to take the ball, and Nat races up the field. If Lottie has the opportunity, she’ll shoot. It’s not selfish, it’s how the game works. It’s what Nat would do if she were in Lottie’s position. What she has done, countless times. The other thing Lottie could do, the other thing Nat has done countless times, is pass the ball. 

Lottie, by some miracle, tailed by four players, makes it to the box. There’s a defender between her and the goalie, and one between her and Nat. She passes the ball between her feet, mere seconds to make her choice before it’s too late. Nat can see the gears turning, can see the movements in her feet before Lottie even makes them. She can see the stillness come over her, and she’s certain of what’s to come. She doesn’t have time to question the choice, to read into it beyond her team captain making the decision to take the risk that passing the ball will get it to Natalie and give her a clean shot at goal as opposed to Lottie having to face a defender and the goalie. She doesn’t have time to worry about Lottie’s tendency to doubt herself, to wonder if she would be passing the ball if she were Shauna, if they didn’t know each other the way they do, if they didn’t fit together the way Lottie and Nat do. 

She sees the pass coming, prepares herself, can see exactly how she’ll receive the pass and what kind of approach and kick to make to give it her best shot at getting the ball in the net. But the pass never comes to fruition, because number fucking 48 throws Lottie into the grass long after the ball has left her feet. Noticeably after the ball has left her feet. And Lottie hits the ground hard and doesn’t get up.

Nat doesn’t hear the whistle blow, doesn’t even know if it has, but she doesn’t even notice the ball rolling directly in between her feet. She doesn’t even get angry, doesn’t pay any attention to the smirk on 48’s face, to Taissa shouting, running up the field. To Van racing out of goal to hold Tai’s fists away from smashing 48 to a pulp.

All of it pales in comparison to the crumpled girl on the field.

Lottie.

Nat’s at her side before she even realizes that she’s moving, pulling Lottie’s sweat-sticky hair away from her face. Lottie gasps in a breath, trying to roll over and push herself into a sitting position. As she shifts, Nat feels herself grow still at the sight of blood. Gushing from her nose, from cuts on her hands, her face, her arms, her legs. Lottie licks her lips and winces. 

“Lottie. Hey. Don’t move, you’re okay.” Nat scoots closer, cradles Lottie into her lap. “Lottie, can you hear me?”

A nod.

“Okay.” Nat lets her breath out. “Okay. Can you see me?”

Another nod.

“Okay. Lottie, who am I?”

Bloody, grass-stained fingers reach for Nat’s face, caressing her cheek. The sight of Lottie’s bloody hand against Nat’s pale skin makes her stomach churn.

“Nat. Natalie.” Lottie smiles as she says it, scraped-up thumb running a finger along Nat’s skin. 

“Yeah. It’s me, Lottie. Okay?”

A third nod. A mumbled, “Okay.”

Natalie lets herself nod. “Okay. Jesus, Lottie.” She balls up her jersey and holds it to Lottie’s nose in an attempt to staunch the blood flow. 

A hand lands on Natalie’s back.

“Is she okay?”

Jackie .

Nat wipes at her cheek, where she can feel Lottie’s blood drying. “I think so. I mean, I’m not a medical professional, but… she just seems disoriented.

“Okay. Good.” Jackie doesn’t look like she thinks it’s very good. In fact, she looks like she’s going to throw up. “Um… coach?”

Coach Scott and Misty Quigley come into Natalie’s peripheral vision. Exchanging animated glares with the ref, approaching Lottie. Now, looking around, Nat can see that the other players have taken a knee, that Van apparently stopped Taissa from attacking 48, who’s stalking towards the bleachers.

“Natalie.” The weak voice draws her right back to Lottie. 

“What’s wrong, Lot?”

Lottie fights Nat’s embrace, pushes herself away to be sitting up on her elbows independently. The distance takes Nat’s jersey away from her nose, and blood starts oozing again. Lottie looks at her, long and hard.

“Don’t ever stop playing before the whistle ever again.”

A shocked laugh bubbles up out of her. She can see the other team looking at each other in shock, confusion. They probably think that Nat’s crazy for laughing at her teammate in such bad shape, but she can’t stop. And when she starts laughing harder, losing her sense of composure, forgetting her worry, her anxiety at seeing Lottie knocked to the ground like a ragdoll, Lottie starts to lose it, too. Laughing, mouth dropping open. Until blood starts to trickle down into her mouth. Then she grimaces and scoots closer to Nat, reaching for her jersey.

“Here.” Nat bunches up a corner that isn’t already saturated with Lottie’s blood, and Lottie holds it up to her nose. 

“Use this instead.” Misty Quigley materializes across from Natalie, holding gauze. Lottie reluctantly takes it, holding it to her nose. “And let’s get you up and to the bench.”

“I can keep playing,” Lottie protests.

Misty raises an eyebrow. She and Nat help Lottie to her feet, and the girl sways.

“Yeah, we’re going to the bench.”

Lottie murmurs but doesn’t protest when Nat and Misty take an arm each and walk her to the bench. 

“Let’s hear it for number five, Charlotte Matthews,” the announcer declares as Lottie stumbles to the bench. The announcer’s just a volunteer student, Nat’s pretty sure that Jackie’s stupid boyfriend volunteered today, it sounds like his stupid voice over the speakers.

The audience claps, and the other players stand back up. Coach Martinez is yelling, pointing at a sophomore Tai sits with at lunch sometimes–Akilah?–and telling her to get up and play for Lottie. 

A shoulder comes into contact with Nat’s. Tai. She’s weirdly happy, grinning and nodding towards the scene of the accident near the other team’s net. Nat stares for a minute, failing to comprehend why Lottie’s blood on the turf is a good thing. Then, she sees it. The spray-painted lines, the box, where Lottie’s blood falls. Inside the box.

“You wanna take it?” Taissa asks, smiling at Natalie conspiratorially.

The penalty kick. Their prize for being fouled in the box around the goal and losing their team captain. Nat fixes her gaze on 48, slumping on the bench on the opposite side of the field. She feels the blood on her jersey soaking into her skin, dripping down her stomach. She smiles, wolfish and dangerous.

“Fuck yes.”

Jackie sort of steps in as captain with Lottie being tested for a concussion, and she can’t say no to Natalie asking to take the penalty kick with the blood on her face and jersey and the crazed look in her eye.

It’s not like a regular kick after a foul, when the players all line up and one of them kicks it back into play. A penalty kick is different. Much more likely to garner a point. In a penalty kick it’s just the goalie and the hopeful scorer on the field. The shot is taken, either made or intercepted, and then the clock stops, the field is reset, and play resumes as normal.

Natalie has done this a million times in practice. Cracked her knuckles, rolled her neck, scanned the field, taken a deep breath, taken the shot and scored. She’s intimately familiar with the look, sound, and feel of the ball hitting the net. But she’s also familiar with failure. With the taste of dirt in her mouth and the smack of the goalie blocking the ball, or it hitting the crossbar.

She shakes her hands, bouncing on her toes to warm up as the goalie pulls on her gloves. She has dark hair and bangs, if Nat squints she could almost be Lottie. But she isn’t. Lottie’s on the bench, bleeding and possibly concussed, all when she wasn’t even in possession of the ball.

Familiar anger curls in her stomach, and, for once, Natalie embraces it. Grabs it and swings it around her head like a lasso. She’s shaking, practically radiating power. She looks back one more time at the bench. Lottie blows her a kiss.

Heart warm, refocused, Nat lines up her shot. Says a little prayer to whoever the fuck, preps, and shoots. The goalie with the bang dives. In the right direction, too, correctly guessing which side of the net Nat was aiming for. But even then, there’s nothing she can do. She dives, and the ball slides above her reach, landing beautifully in the top corner of the net.

Goal.

Holy fuck.

She can hear screams, can see all of her teammates rushing from the sidelines, but she runs right past them. Lottie is ready to greet her, pushing to her feet and with her arms out. Nat picks her up without thinking about it, laughing and swinging her around. Lottie’s a great deal taller than she is, but she manages fine. Lottie laughs, smiling wide. When she’s back on the bench, the rest of the team arrives and they all hug. 

The game continues, but it’s no use. 48 got a red card, banning her from play for the remainder of the game, and the morale of the opposing team has been irreparably damaged, while the Yellowjackets has been permanently boosted.

They dominate the field for the rest of the game, passing back and forth, making runs up and down, blocking the opposing teams feeble attempts at plays with ease. They even get another strong run upfield, Tai passing to Nat, who takes a risk and passes to Akilah, who, much to everyone’s shock and delight, fucking scores. 

In the end, the score is 2-0, Nat is carried on her teammates shoulders to the locker room, and Lottie doesn’t even have a concussion. Nat drives them home anyway, and even with a bunch of scabbing cuts and tampons poking out of her nose, Lottie looks ethereal in the passenger seat. 

“Nat?”

Waiting at a red light, Natalie takes the chance and looks at Lottie expectantly.

“Yeah?”

“Earlier, when I was on the ground. You called me Lottie.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, cause I thought you were fucking dead.”

“Yeah.” She shrugs, even though nothing about her line of questioning is casual. “But you were asking me questions, and I was nodding and you kept calling me Lottie.”

Natalie bristles at Lottie pushing the subject, accelerating as the light turns green. “Yeah, well, you said it yourself, you were on the ground. I was worried, because, in case you haven’t noticed, I fucking care about you, Lottie.”

“You just did it again.”

Fuck.

“Fuck. Whatever, alright? You’re like, my best friend, or whatever. And yeah, when I think about you I do think Lottie, I don’t think Charlotte. You keep this up, I’ll call you dickhead instead.”

She wrinkles her nose. “It doesn’t have the same ring as Lottie.”

A laugh bubbles up out of Nat as she flicks on her turn signal at Lawlor. “No shit.”

She makes the turn at Lawlor, driving past mansion after mansion, until she arrives at the familiar mansion belonging to the Matthews.

Nat helps Lottie walk inside, even though she insists she doesn’t need the help. Marie, fortunately, has already gone when they arrive, as neither of them really feel like explaining their predicament.

Nat has one hand wrapped around Lottie’s waist, her shorter frame making assisting difficult, but she does what she can. She mumbles as they walk up the stairs, about being worried, about how badly Lottie scared her, about how Tai almost destroyed number 48, about how Misty Quigley turned out to be a medical pro, who also offered to do some investigating on number 48. Mostly just nonsense to fill up the quiet. Lottie just absorbs all of the nonsense with a blank expression, wincing whenever she grazes one of her cuts. They have an understanding this way, silence always has to be filled with something, be it music or nonsense babbling about whatever’s on either of their minds. Quiet is not good for either of them.

Today, Natalie is in better shape, so she takes on the job of being the talker. Usually she’s worse off, and Lottie holds her close and tells her about her shopping trip, how the food at the mall was awful, describes the clothes she got, ways she thinks she could spend her father’s money better than he does. 

Nonsense. She just talks to fill the quiet, to distract Nat from herself. It always works, and she always winds up enraptured, hanging onto Lottie’s every word as she describes her perilous shopping adventures. 

It’s part of the deal that the stuff they talk about isn’t important, it’s just talking and word vomit, the other person is not expected to remember anything mentioned at the time.

Nat spouts nonsense all the way up the stairs and into Lottie’s bathroom, where she sets her companion down on the toilet, lid-down. 

Lottie takes her dirty jersey off while Natalie digs in her cabinet for the first aid kit, and when she pulls her head out of the pill bottles and band-aids, the sight takes her breath away. She can’t tell if it’s because she’s looking at Lottie’s sports bra or the large bruise blossoming across her abdomen.

Nat swallows down her anxiety and the strange squirming in her stomach and pulls out the disinfectant. “Ready?”

Lottie grits her teeth, and, for the first time, Natalie has a view of her stomach when she clenches it. She nods, and Nat almost doesn’t notice, she’s so fixated on Lottie’s abs. 

“Right. Right, okay.” She tears her eyes away from Lottie’s mid-section and looks back at her face, setting her focus on the biggest gash across her cheek made by a rock in the turf. “This is gonna hurt.” She holds a cotton swab to the lid of the disinfectant and turns it upside down, saturating the cotton swab.

She can hear Lottie holding her breath and hissing as she attempts to gently pat at her blood-encrusted scratch. 

“They’re not deep,” Nat says in an attempt to be soothing, still dabbing away blood on the first cut. “There’s just…” she looks down at Lottie’s body, which is littered with small cuts and bruises. “A lot of them.”

“I know,” Lottie says, groaning as Nat hits the center of the wound and it hits deeper. “Ow.”

“Sorry.” Nat lowers herself to get a closer look at the wound, Lottie’s eye that the wound is beneath meeting with Natalie’s. Locked in her gaze, Nat feels frozen. She’s pretty sure she isn’t breathing, she’s just standing half-hunched awkwardly by Lottie’s face and staring into her lovely brown eyes.

Like nothing happened, Lottie breathes out and looks away from Natalie. She can feel Lottie’s breath on her chin, can barely stand to look away from those enchanting eyes. She struggles through the rest of the disinfectant and puts band-aids over each and every cut and scrape, only her dignity keeping her from placing a kiss on each and every one. She isn’t even sure why she’s having a hard time, why being near Lottie without a shirt on feels like she’s been treading water for four hours and she isn’t sure how much longer she can keep her head above water.

So it’s a relief to Lottie and Natalie when she finishes, and Lottie takes a sponge bath and washes her hair, and puts on fresh clothes that, thankfully, include a baggy t-shirt that covers up her abs.

What seemed to be the source of the problem is gone, but it’s like seeing Lottie shirtless was just the domino tipping in a very long stack, because even after the sight is gone and she’s just laying in bed beside her, Nat can still feel something , some foreign twitching low in her stomach. It’s burned into her vision, she sees Lottie whenever she closes her eyes.

“Hey, Nat?”

In the dark, Nat turns to where she knows Lottie is, even without seeing her, even without knowing where she laid down. 

“Yeah, Lot?”

Fingers creep along the blankets, touching Nat’s wrist. She redirects them to Lottie’s likely target, and the link hands.

“You’re my best friend, too, you know.”

Natalie’s heart pounds. “I sure hope I am. I have no idea how you’d manage to hang out with someone else more than you hang out with me.”

Lottie laughs, the sound both soothing her and sending her heart on yet another marathon.

“Yeah, no. I’ve never cared about anyone like I care about you.”

Nat squeezes Lottie’s hand. She feels Lottie squeeze back, without hesitation. In the dark, she stares at their linked hands and feels very warm.

“Me neither, Lot.”

Natalie doesn’t sleep that night, not until Lottie falls asleep first, and the dead weight of her hand and the steady in and out of her breath lulls her in.

Unease keeps her awake. She’s a little worried about Lottie, but she’s strong, not so weak that a few scrapes will keep her down. Mostly, she’s worried about herself. What the fuck was that? She doesn’t want to lose the sense of security she has around Lottie. She’s never felt so safe around anyone in her life. She never thought she would find someone that made her feel like that.

She never wants to lose that.

Nat never wants to lose Lottie.

.

mother effing yellowjackets

11:34 pm

mari
hold on.
lottie
miss “music doesn’t have a sexuality” AND miss “my ig bio is a boygenius quote and my pfp is julien baker i thought everyone knew” which is it????

van
DAMN
she kinda got u

lottie
well music doesn’t have a sexuality it isn’t it’s own person. however certain music groups made up of people can have reputations that imply a certain sexuality 

shauna
lmao what

nat
no no hear her out i’m following

van
lottie got caught with nat and went ‘play dumb!’ ‘music doesn’t have a sexuality’ ‘not that dumb!’

jackie
it really went like that lmaaooooo

lottie
we did not get caught doing anything wrong!!!!!!!!

mari
nothing wrong, per se, just some gay ass behavior

lottie
well i am gay, so that makes sense

jackie 
yeah. GAY FOR NAT

van removed jackie from mother effing yellowjackets

van
timeout

nat
and STAY OUT!!!!

Chapter Text

mother effing yellowjackets

11:45 pm

van added jackie to mother effing yellowjackets

van
do you have anything to say?

jackie
>:(
sorry lottie

van
for?

jackie
im sorry lottie for calling out your homoerotic friendship because everyone else was too afraid to

van
NO
BAD JACKIE

lottie
SHUSH TKE FVICK IP

nat removed jackie from mother effing yellowjackets

nat renamed mother effing yellowjackets to jackie taylor hate club

shauna
she was being a dick but i simply cannot stand for this

shauna added jackie to jackie taylor hate club

nat
ugh
shes 100% projecting anyways like me n lot are NOT the homoerotic friendship we need to be focusing on

shauna
what’s that supposed to mean

jackie
wtf is with the gc name????????????

lottie
thats what you get!!!! >:(((

van
peep nat admitting that her and lottie are in a homoerotic friendship

nat
shauna and jackie are worse tho like cmon

van
no, they’re not

akilah
no they aren't

gen
no they aren't

mel
no they’re not

jackie
we are not even competition wdym

Taissa
Jackie and Shauna are bad, but they’re not as bad as you and Lottie, Nat. Sorry.

mari
^^^^^ hard agree

lottie
wtf guys

.

The soccer season has been going well. Twelve games, ten wins, and two ties. Unde-fucking-feated.

And it’s not like it’s all thanks to Lottie, but Natalie likes to give her credit whenever possible. 

“Oh my God, Lottie, that’s insane.”

Sleepovers once every two weeks at Jackie’s have become a rare constant as the days trickle into November and the soccer season comes to a close. At this particular moment at this particular Yellowjackets team sleepover, Lottie, Jackie, and Tai are having a handstand competition. 

Nat glances at Van’s phone, where they have the stopwatch going. Two minutes. Jackie dropped out after thirty seconds, and went to “go get more snacks” aka pout while Shana chased after her. Tai and Lottie were still going strong, though, faces dark from blood rushing to their heads; Lottie lowered herself towards the ground and then straightened her arms again a few times like she was doing push-ups, earning some extra attention. 

Taissa grunts, trying and failing to turn her head to see what everyone’s oohing at Lottie for. “Give it up, Matthews.”

Lottie laughs. She looks past Van to Nat, smirking, looking straight at her. “You first.”

Nat fights the urge to bite her lip at Lottie’s attention, torn between being delighted at being the recipient of her conspiratorial looks and being troubled at the ruckus her twirling stomach is putting up. It feels nice. This feels nice, to be the only person in the room who understands Lottie’s strange ability to hold a handstand, even if it is against a wall. To be the person she smirks at for understanding.

Just like she’s secretly glad that Jackie still hosts the sleepovers, even though Lottie’s team captain. Jackie likes hosting, and Lottie doesn’t like her house, other than her room, and the sleepover couldn’t just be in her room, and she couldn’t trust the whole team to glaze over everything else, not the way she could trust Natalie.

The mansion on Lawlor Street is something that only exists between them, in their minds and when they blend, eyes meeting, bodies always crashing together. At soccer practice, when they walk side by side and always go careening into each other, when Lottie takes the last juice box and holds it over her head, forcing Nat to jump on her and try to climb up. When they fall asleep in Lottie’s bed lately, passing out apart and waking up one jumbled entity of morning breath and embarrassed giggles.

“Got cold overnight,” and “You’re pretty comfortable,” Lottie always says afterward, when they’ve brushed their teeth and woken up more, and Nat wants to scream.

Taissa finally breaks at three minutes and thirty-three seconds, Lottie caving as soon as she is undeniably the winner. Tai escapes into Van’s arms for soothing, both for her bruised ego and being winded from holding the handstand for so long. Lottie raises an eyebrow at Nat, giving her silent permission.

“Did Lottie ever tell you guys that she used to do gymnastics? The other sport she did besides soccer, before she moved here.”

The room erupts in groans, Jackie crowing, “I knew it!” as she finally returns with a platter of crackers and alcohol.

Taissa emerges from the depths of Van’s flannel, face darkening. She comes face to face with Lottie. Breaks into a grin. Holds out a hand, which Lottie shakes, looking at Nat, eyes flashing with a silent question.

‘Am I dreaming?’

Nat can only shrug. Taissa Turner losing a game, finding out she was set up to fail, and… letting it go?

“Good game,” she says, shaking Lottie’s hand hard, starting to laugh. “See, that is how you do it, people. Jesus. Finally, someone has some fight around here. That is what we bring back to the field with us.”

The room absorbs this with quiet murmurs and general silence, nobody knowing quite what to make of Taissa Turner backing down from a potential argument.

“Oh my God, wait, Lottie, does that mean you can, like flip?” Mari. Ushered into a chair hours ago when she revealed herself to be unable to hold her liquor for shit.

Lottie smirks, and Nat finds herself smirking, too, not because of her incredible acrobatic abilities, but just because she knows they’re both thinking about the same thing.

When she and Lottie had a very similar conversation walking around the local grocery store.

“Oh my God, seriously?”

Lottie had nodded, giggling over her armful of chocolate syrup and marshmallows. “My Dad wanted me to do gymnastics, not soccer, because it was more girly, I guess. You can win a gold metal as a soloist for the olympics in gymnastics, in soccer it’s all as a team. If a name was going to get out there, he wanted it to be his last name.”

Nat had wrinkled her nose, and Lottie had laughed at her expression.

“It’s okay. I’m over it. Besides, I like soccer better, anyway, plus there’s no gymnastics place in Wiskayok.”

Nat had looked at Lottie’s reflection in the frosted freezer glass, seen the half-truth in her eyes, and let it go. She would tell Nat later, in the dark, in her bed, both of them completely stretched out and nowhere near making contact. Lottie’s bed is fucking huge, that’s really what makes them finding each other in the night so impressive.

Nat had been reaching for the ice cream for the sundae-making they were planning, and froze.

“Hold on. Were you, like, good?”

Lottie reached over Nat for the ice cream, laughing. “At gymnastics?”

“Yeah, dude. Can you do the upside down shit?”

Lottie gave her that look. The one. The one that meant she was about to do something she shouldn’t, and Nat was never going to tell a soul because Lottie had given her the look.

“Hold these?” 

Natalie wordlessly held out her arms and accepted the syrup and marshmallows.

Still eyeing Nat and grinning, Lottie walked to the end of the aisle, her flip-flops smacking against the sticky tile. Nat pressed herself against the freezer doors, her legs in her tiny ass shorts getting goosebumps from the cold.

Lottie held her arms up in preparation, and Natalie could see the focus fall over her like a sheet. Just like it does in soccer right before she scores a goal. Some quiet, some stillness falling into her molecules even as she breaks into a run in the middle of the grocery store. She jumps, puts her hands down on the dirty tile, feet flying over her head. She keeps going, doing some elaborate jump-flip series involving flying legs and twisting in the air. Natalie has no idea what any of it is composed of, but she would give Lottie the gold right now. She sticks the landing, too, flip-flops careening down into the ground with a smack , and then, unmoving.

Nat’s jaw had dropped to the floor as Lottie held her hands up in victory. She looked at Nat, raised an eyebrow, gauging her reaction.

“Holy shit, dude,” was all that Nat could articulate, feeling her jaw breaking into a grin.

Lottie had grinned herself, rolling her eyes and grabbing the ice cream.

Their sundaes were excellent, and Natalie had sort of forgotten about the gymnastics thing after that. Until now, obviously.

They all rally together and go upstairs to the Taylor’s yard, which is where Lottie said she could do her best tumbling. Taissa and Jackie corral everyone into a clump, leaving Lottie with a sizeable ‘tumble track’ of grass, trying to drill into even the drunkest Yellowjackets head that the line they’ve drawn with their socks is not to be crossed unless they want their heads kicked off by Lottie Matthews flying and flipping in the air.

“Can you do an aerial?” Mari asks, at the front of the clump and apparently a gymnastics expert herself.

Lottie obliges, and Mari gasps, animatedly entertained. Lottie continues to display various tricks at the masses request, and Natalie just observes, feeling warm inside, until she feels an elbow in her ribs.

“What do you want, Palmer?” she asks, catching a glimpse of red hair.

“Nothing, nothing,” Van says, holding her hands up in surrender. “Just watching. It’s pretty hot, huh?”

“Excuse me?” Heat races to her cheeks. Van is not referring to the temperature. For one thing, it’s November at night, and it's thirty degrees outside. For another thing, Natalie knows Van Palmer, and she is not one to ask if something is hot and be talking about the weather, especially when there is a girl wearing not that many clothes doing gymnastics in front of them.

Van smirks. “Come on, Nat. Really? I mean, I’m entertained, but I’m happy with Tai. But you? If you’re not going to do anything about it, at least stop fucking drooling.”

“I’m not drooling.” She checks her chin anyway. She is, in fact, not drooling. At least, not literally. Still. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really?” Van looks her up and down. “You’re not, like, actively crushing on Lottie?”

Red flames her face. “No.” 

“Huh. You could have fooled me.”

Could she? She wasn’t trying to fool anyone, except maybe for herself. What was this, these stupid feelings,  if not a crush? An active one, at that? An incredibly active one that makes red attack her face and makes her stomach swirl around like she’s on a carnival ride. God Lottie has her system all fucked up. Is it obvious? Is this what a crush is? Can Lottie tell? Is she looking?

Ugh.

“Shut the fuck up.” It lacks the bite Natalie’s words had six months ago, and they both know it.

Van just laughs, but backs off nonetheless. “Roger that. Oop. Duty calls.”

On her grassy tumble track, Lottie takes a spill. The crowd splits, making a path for Natalie. She walks through it quickly, making a mental note to wonder why the crowd split, why it let her through, but later. For now, Lottie .

She’s already pushed herself up to sitting, which is a good sign, and there appears to be zero blood, or pained expressions on Lottie’s face.

“Hey, Princess.”

A wide, goofy grin spreads onto Lottie’s face as she looks up to Natalie. “Hi, Nat.”

Natalie raises an eyebrow. “Did you have a few more drinks before we came upstairs?”

She twists her lips together. “Maybe.”

“Right, maybe. Alright.” She turns to the crowd, which has started to mutter to one another. “Shows over, people. She’s fine. Go back inside.”

People quickly dissipate, headed inside where there’s more food, booze, and blankets. Natalie turns back to Lottie.

“You hurt anywhere?”

“Just here.” Lottie holds a hand to her chest.

Nat frowns. She seemed perfectly peppy, if a little drunk. She didn’t seem like she had cracked a rib, or something. “Could you be more specific, Princess? Where’s it hurt; your tummy, your ribs? You got cramps?”

She doesn’t think Lottie’s on her period, they’ve been synced up for months, but who knows? Menstrual cycles are fucked up.

Lottie shakes her head. “My heart, Nat.”

“Your heart hurts?”

Lottie nods vigorously.

“How come your heart hurts, huh?” Lottie looks down. Nat brushes her bangs away from her eyes. They’re getting long. They should cut them sometime soon.

She looks up at the contact, looking up at Nat with big, hopeful eyes. She holds her hands up, making grabby hands like a small child wanting to be held.

“Hmm. How about you answer a question first, then I’ll pick you up and we can go inside?”

“Mmkay.” Lottie looks up at her expectantly.

Nat reaches around Lottie and lifts her up, feeling legs wrap around her middle while arms and a head drape over her shoulders. She’s already going a little out of order, but Lottie does as she’s told when she’s drunk, Nat knows this from experience, plus she’s shivering. They’re going inside.

“Why does your heart hurt, Lottie?”

Shoulders shrug against her chest.

“‘S’not a big deal,” Lottie slurs. “I’m used to it. Been hurting a long time.”

She doesn’t say another word that night, not when Nat carries her all the way downstairs, tucks her into her sleeping bag and puts a large glass of water and a pill beside her (She’ll want it in the morning). She just plays with Nat’s hair as she’s carried, then with Nat’s fingers after she’s all zipped into her sleeping bag. All the while, giving her that stare. The one she gave Nat when she had done something she shouldn’t have, and Natalie wasn’t going to tell a soul because Lottie was staring at her like that . 

Only now, she can’t figure out what Lottie’s done that she shouldn’t have. But she keeps staring, doing it intently, even fighting off sleep to keep giving Nat that same look.

She passes out eventually, and with minimal teasing, Nat lays down on her pillow and blanket pile of a sleeping bag beside Lottie and tries to get some rest of her own.

In her dreams, Natalie is the one being carried, the one whose heart is hurting. In her dreams, Lottie kisses her, hard, and everything feels better.

She doesn’t remember her dreams in the morning. All she remembers is Lottie saying her heart hurt, and immense, inexplicable guilt coursing through her system.

.

jackie taylor hate club

11:34 am

jackie
okay seriously guys its been a week can we change the name please

van
nobody is stopping you from changing it

jackie renamed jackie taylor hate club to jackie taylor fan club

van
okay but why would you be in a gc for your own fan club

jackie
sshhh
don’t question me

mari renamed jackie taylor fan club to lottie matthews fan club

mari
at least make it accurate

shauna
no that’s just lottie’s texts with nat

mari
LMFAOOOOOOO

lottie
please, no paparazzi 

jackie
oh for fucks sake

lottie
huh

mari
are you jealous that lottie’s a better team captain than you were?

jackie
ok you werent even on varsity when i was captain pipe the fuck down
but im NOT jealous my reaction was to the fucking baseball losers
havent won a single game this entire season but theyre all people talk about
such bullshit

nat renamed lottie matthews fan club to UNDEFEATED mother effing yellowjackets

nat
peace is restored?

jackie
i take back anything mean i ever said about natalie scatorccio

lottie
kinda miss my fan club tho :/ 

nat
SORRY
:(((( 

van
dw lottie nat’s still gonna text u

nat
i really hate you do you know that

.

They’ve been the last ones to leave the field at practice, lately. They go back to the locker rooms with the team, shower and whatever, wait and try to look busy while the rest of the team leaves. They get teased for taking forever, but it doesn’t matter. Neither of them could care less, because as soon as the last person leaves the locker room, it’s just the two of them. 

They usually wait a good five minutes or so, which greatly increases the chances that coaches and Misty will be gone when they go back out to the field.

The first day they did it, Natalie complained the whole time. Her calves were sore, and it was supposed to rain later, were her primary arguments, but one pleading look from Lottie made her arguments pointless. So she traipsed after Lottie, holding her water bottle and a stolen ball.

They just kick the ball back and forth for a while, practicing passes and tricks. Only, they’re both performing badly. To a strange degree. Nat’s main problem is Lottie. She’s a distraction. It’s a number of things, really. Her hair falling down her back, her legs, her arms, her eyes, her lips whenever she’s particularly pleased with a pass. It’s so captivating, so Lottie , that Natalie forgets that she’s playing soccer, that she’s supposed to be receiving the pass. She just stands there, feet glued to the ground, staring as Lottie fixes her hair, or whatever, and the ball rolls right past her.

Lottie’s sort of having the same issue, only she isn’t getting lost staring at herself, so Nat’s not quite sure what’s doing her in, but it sure is getting to her, because she’s almost doing worse than Natalie.

After a few minutes of passing, missing, and chasing after the ball, they get bored of it and take turns shooting and playing goalie. Even that gets tricky, though, because Lottie keeps getting distracted by whatever’s on her mind, and when Nat’s shooting she gets worried that if she actually kicks the ball hard and Lottie catches it it’ll leave a bruise, and when she’s in goal she zones out staring at Lottie and then doesn’t move a muscle when Lottie actually shoots the ball. In the end, it’s pretty shitty practice, and they usually wind up laying on the field and shooting the shit. Sometimes Lottie brings her airpods, and when Nat stands in the goal, completely unflinching as the ball zips straight past her, she just laughs and jogs over to the bleachers where they leave their water bottles, and she’ll come back holding two white earbuds, and she’ll offer one to Nat.

Natalie learned a long time ago to stop asking Lottie what music she was playing into her ear, because the answer was always ‘boygenius’, or one of the members individually.

“Hmm.” Nat touches a hand to the earbud, taking in the nature of today’s sad, haunting melody. It’s strange, for a girl who smiles as much as Lottie does, for her music to be so sad. “I hear… do I hear Lucy Dacus?”

Lottie hums approvingly. “Yes. This is boygenius, not a solo song, but she’s the only one singing in this song.”

Natalie nods, head knocking back into the grass, ponytail digging into her head. She hasn’t cut her hair in ages. Once upon a time it was bangs, medium length bits framing her face, then cut just above her shoulder everywhere else. Once upon a time, the whole thing was blonde. 

That had been right after her Dad died, before she started talking to Lottie.

Now the blonde is grossly grown out, and her bangs fall past her ears. The blonde starts between her chin and shoulders, and everything above that is her natural dark roots. She’s sort of been embracing the gross two-tone shift and her green-ass bleach-blonde, if ‘embracing’ means ‘not doing anything about it’. Her hair hasn’t been this long since she’s been in grade school.

She can feel Lottie’s eyes turn to her. “It’s called ‘We’re In Love’.”

She nods again, takes a length of blonde in her hands. “I wanna cut my hair.”

Lottie sits up, head coming into Nat’s peripheral vision. She raises an eyebrow at Nat, sees the seriousness on her face.

“Okay.”

.

Lottie sets Natalie down in front of her vanity, draping towels on the ground and around her neck. 

“Are you sure about this?” she asks, one hand on Nat’s shoulder, one on a pair of scissors.

Nat looks into the mirror, into her reflection. Thinks of who she was when she dyed her hair. Lost. Confused. High more often than not. Thinks of who she is now. Never been more comfortable in her own skin. Sober for just about a year. She could stand to get rid of the reminder of this particular baggage.

“Yes.” She grips the edge of the vanity until her knuckles turn white. “Cut it all off.”

Lottie had done just that, humming along to the boygenius playing on her speaker and cutting Nat’s hair until the blonde was nothing more than litter on the floor.

“What do you think?” she asks, smiling softly, brushing through Natalie’s shoulder-length dark hair.

Nat just stares into the mirror, sure that the girl in front of her isn’t actually Natalie, that it can’t have been that easy. Her most physical reminder of her trauma, chopped off so easily. She looks down at the floor, at the ring of golden blonde around her. Looks back up at the mirror, at the dark hair framing her face.

Slowly, she smiles. “It’s perfect, Lottie.”

Lottie runs a hand through Nat’s hair, and the sensation sends tingles running down her spine. Lottie smiles at her in the mirror, putting the brush down and putting her hands on Nat’s shoulders.

“Good.”

Good. It is good. 

While they’re cleaning up, Nat catches Lottie tucking a tiny blonde curl into a plastic bag and labeling it ‘Nat, November 2023 :)’. 

She feels very warm and safe falling asleep in Lottie’s bed that night.

.

UNDEFEATED mother effing yellowjackets

1:16 pm

jackie
dont you guys think natalies just the best
like shes so hot and cool
and LOTTIE??? cmon

lottie
hello????
love you too i guess

shauna
who took jackies phone

jackie
nobody its me im jackie wdym lololol

shauna
oh
i hadnt even seen those
jackie just said she couldnt find her phone after lunch

jackie
DAMN
those texts with shauna… me and lottie really arent that bad

shauna
NATALIE
THIS IS JACKIE WITH SHAUNAS PHONE
WHERE ARE YOU

jackie
what im not natalie im jackie why are you lying shauna

nat
fuck fuck fuck fuck uhhhhhhhh

jackie
natalie scatorccio is enemy #1

lottie
got your phone back, huh?

jackie
don’t act like you weren’t in on it

lottie
me???????
yea lol
sorrrryyy it was funny

jackie
how do i. unsend texts

.

Lottie Matthews is undoubtedly the best thing to have ever happened to Natalie. Her friendship gave Nat the strength to get sober, to give a little bit of a shit about school and maybe actually graduate high school on time, maybe even get her into a college, or some shit. 

She’d thought about her future on the day she walked into the principal’s office, the day she really met Lottie for the first time, actually made her smile, made her laugh, and she didn’t think she had a future. Didn’t really see herself living to high school graduation, to the end of eleventh grade, if she was being honest.

And now, everything is completely different. Much, much better, of course. But she can’t help but worry. Worry about how lately she’s been feeling funny whenever she looks at Lottie for too long, when she lets her hair down, or when she lifts her arm and a bit of her stomach pokes out from her shirt that’s barely long enough for dress code. How her stomach has been twisting at the thought of her best friend, how heat floods her face and body whenever Lottie touches her these days.

She’s not sure what’s happening to her, but she’s getting annoyed about it. She can’t tell if she’s annoyed at Lottie, for behaving as normal, or herself, for reacting the way she is. Nothing feels normal about the situation, even though nothing has actually changed, but she’s nearing the end of her rope with Van Palmer giving her subtle smirks whenever she catches Nat staring at Lottie in the locker room.

Which isn’t that often, but it’s often enough that it’s a pattern, and that is too often.

Besides, she’s pretty sure Lottie’s been acting a little bit weird lately, too. Like… more clingy than usual? Which isn’t a problem, really. If Nat’s nervous system weren’t acting up, she’d be enjoying the attention. Like, Lottie keeps skipping up to her in the halls and holding her hand to walk her to class, or scooting closer to her during lunch until their thighs are all pressed together, or nudging Nat’s feet with her own when they’re sitting across from each other in physics, or practically throwing herself into Nat’s lap whenever Nat sits down on her bed.

A month ago, Natalie would have loved the physical touch, probably would have slept better at night because of it. Now it’s keeping her up at night. What does it mean? Why is Lottie acting like this? Why is Nat reacting like this? 

Plus, she’s bailed out on plans with Jackie like, three times now because Lottie asked her to come over, and she just can’t bear to say no to Lottie. 

And the morning after Lottie cuts Nat’s hair, Lottie drives them to the beauty supply store and buys a bunch of hair care supplies and then forces Nat to take them home with her. And one of the books Lottie keeps on her shelf catches Nat’s eye one day, so she picks it up and reads the inside cover, then the next day Lottie has a second copy on her bed that she insists Nat take.

And on one of the days where they’ve given up on their extra practice on the field, Nat’s leaning on her elbows, surveying the field while Lottie stares up at the clouds and tells her about all the clouds that remind her of Natalie. Nat’s running her hands across the grass, picking the tiny white flowers and trying and failing to knot them into a flower crown. Instead, she finds a patch of clover, and her eyes land right on one with four leaves.

“Hey,” she breathes, reaching for the lucky plant in surprise.

“Hmm?” Lottie looks away from the clouds, smile widening as she lays eyes on Natalie.

“Check it out.” Nat plucks the four-leaf-clover out of the ground and holds it out to Lottie, whose mouth drops open.

“Woah.” She pushes herself up to a sitting position, leaning forward to get a good look.

Nat nods towards Lottie. “Here. For you.”

Lottie immediately leans back. “Oh, no, I can’t take that. Those are supposed to be lucky, I can’t take your luck.”

“Take it, Lottie. I’m gonna throw it out if you don’t take it.”

She shrugs. “Your luck, you choose.”

Nat sighs. “Please, Lottie? You’re my lucky charm, so take this one?”

Lottie looks at Nat with soft, tender eyes. Sucking in her lower lip, she holds out her hand. Nat carefully places the four-leaf-clover in her hand.

Their eyes meet, and as Nat watches her, blue eyes drilling into brown, she realizes that they never talked about what Lottie said the night of the Yellowjackets sleepover at Jackie’s. She said her heart hurt. That it had been hurting for a long time. Then she’d given Nat that look, the one where Nat would let something go in the moment and then they’d talk about it later.

Only they never did. And this, gently placing a four-leaf-clover in Lottie’s palm, feels an awful lot like an apology.

What she’s apologizing for, Natalie isn’t entirely sure. Not bringing it up? Not talking about it?

But Lottie doesn’t look like she wants to talk about it, and she could have brought it up anytime she wanted if she wanted to talk about it.

No. The topic of discussion doesn’t seem quite right. Instead, as she watches Lottie smile and tuck the clover away, Nat has a sinking feeling that she’s the reason that Lottie’s heart has been hurting. But what has she done? Natalie can think of many things she’s fucked up, but she doesn’t think that her friendship with Lottie was one of those things. She can’t think of any misplaced words, any unresolved fight. Really, the most intense “fight” they’ve had is the fig debacle. What could she possibly have said or done to make Lottie’s  heart hurt? To make her hide it the way she had, only to admit it when drunk?

The day after, Lottie shows up at Nat’s trailer in the morning to drive her to school with a bouquet of flowers in the passenger seat.

“Lottie.”

“What?” She’s playing innocent and doing a terrible job of it, failing to hide her smile in her lips and in her eyes. “It’s a lucky charm.”

Nat sighs and accepts the gift, gently picking up the flowers and inhaling the sweet scent, cradling them to her chest. “They’re pretty,” she mumbles, an understatement, but she’s still a little disgruntled about receiving a gift in the first place. At least her forceful gift didn’t cost time and money, she was just in the right place at the right time and happened to stumble upon the four-leaf-clover. Lottie actually went to some flower shop and bought these.

And she appreciates it, of course she does, she’s going to keep these flowers forever, but she doesn’t understand why .

“They’re primrose,” Lottie says later, when they’re nearly at school and boygenius is blasting through the speakers.

“They’re beautiful, Lottie, really.” Primrose . She looks down at the flowers, dainty, pretty. It’s sweet that Lottie thinks she could ever be comparable to these flowers. “You didn’t have to. But thank you.”

Lottie smiles at Nat, looking at her in the rearview mirror, and Nat can see it in her eyes. The usual way they look at each other, the comfort, affection, but she can see the thing they haven’t talked about, the hurt, too. And something else, something she can’t put to words. Some look of something . Something that looks like their usual look for each other but more .

She googles primroses later that day, the flowers set by the window in her bedroom in a beer bottle vase. Searching for ‘primrose flower’ yields suggestions like ‘primrose flower meaning’, and Nat remembers about all of the symbolic meanings for flowers. Lottie seems like a person who would be into that sort of thing. Maybe she got Nat the flowers as a message, some secret code for her to translate. Maybe the primrose explains the look in her eye that Nat can’t explain.

According to google, the symbolic meaning of primrose is; youth, renewal, and optimism.

Okay. Maybe the flowers don’t mean anything. Maybe they are just supposed to look pretty. What on earth would Lottie be trying to tell her with the words ‘youth, renewal, and optimism’? Like, yeah, they’re in high school, no shit, they’re young. That’s all she can think of, and it doesn’t make any sense.

The flowers confuse Nat a little, but she keeps them and makes sure she tips off their beer bottle every day until they start to die, and then she hangs them up by the ties on her blinds to dry.

A gift from Lottie is a gift from Lottie, even if it makes Nat’s heart hurt a little.

.

UNDEFEATED mother effing yellowjackets

10:38 am

mari
honestly its really mean of every decent player on this team to be a senior

nat
ikr

akilah
ouch
but also real
like just fail pls

jackie
definitely not happening <3 

mari
i said all the decent players were seniors, not that all the seniors were decent players

nat
DAMN
that’s my GIRL
eat her UP mari

jackie
so this is not very fanclub behavior of you guys

van
DAAAAMMNNN
jackie’s gonna need to sit out the game to recover from that one

jackie
do not manifest that energy in my good soccer team gc

lottie
last game of the season after school today yellowjackets!!!! we are literally fucking undefeated we can 100% do this. you have all been working so so hard and i am so very proud of all of you!!! now let’s put our hard work to use and win frigging states and make it to mother effing nationals!!!!!!!
woah wait what did i just walk into

nat
that was a great speech lot
mari’s fucking jackie UP

jackie
SHE IS NOT

mari
i kinda am
sorry

nat
never apologize for being right

mari
yes nat

jackie
lottie’s right tho!!! we are going to fucking destroy them

Tai
I am bringing my extra spiky cleats.

jackie
that’s the spirit!!!!
tai’s my favorite now

shauna
WHAT
JAX
NO

Tai
Ew what.

shauna
ANSWER MY CALLS
JACKIE

.

There’s an energy in the air at Wiskayok High today, very similar to the blast Natalie feels whenever Lottie’s about to score a goal. Over the season, thanks to Lottie and the sleepovers at Jackie’s, they all get along 99% of the time, and the 1% is joking around and light-hearted teasing. Especially today of all days, the day of the game that could send them to nationals, nobody is looking for a fight.

Nat exchanges looks with teammates in the hallways as she walks at Lottie’s side, smirking and seeing the same excited and nervous energy that she can feel radiating off of herself coming off of their bodies in waves, especially in the underclassmen, who show their jitters more obviously than the more experienced varsity kids. But, hell, last year even if they’d won their final game they wouldn’t have made it to nationals.

Even Taissa has never been in this position before, and they’re all a little bit scared shitless. At the same time, they’re stupidly overconfident. Hopefully just enough of each to be a deadly combination.

The school day drags by, but the final bell rings and sends Nat and Lottie racing for the locker room. Their record is better than the opposing team, some team called the Spartans from Jersey City that has a whopping record of nine wins, two ties, and one loss. Because the Yellowjackets have ten wins and two ties, the game is on their turf.

Nat finds comfort in her uniform, in the stench of sweat and feet of the locker room.

She makes shitty bets with Jackie about which of the girls’ boyfriends will show up, and she actually kind of forgets for a minute. 

Actually being out on the field for warm-up, it’s a lot harder to forget about where she is. Then Lottie nudges her to partner up for passing, and she forgets perfectly, losing herself in Lottie, in the game. Thankfully, they both seem to be managing for the day, not zoning out and missing passes from the other. Sure, Lottie looks stunning, but Nat’s heart is pounding for reasons other than just Lottie looking pretty today. It’s keeping her head in the game.

The Spartans school bus arrives, and they all stream off of the bus wearing red and gold and screaming. Their masses and crowds quickly fill their side of the bleachers, Nat’s trying her best not to feel intimidated.

Jackie’s stupid boyfriend Jeff is maybe not as stupid as she originally thought and is the announcer again tonight. Even better than Jackie’s boyfriend, though, Lottie wins the coin toss and gets them starting possession of the ball. Coach Martinez gives them the starting line-up, which is pretty standard. Most importantly, Nat and Lottie are both starting.

With a final nod, Coach Martinez walks to his place by the bench, where Misty Quigley is already jumping up and down and cheering.

“Alright, Yellowjackets.” Lottie has them all in a huddle, warm, hyped up bodies all pressed together. Her eyes land on Nat, and she quickly looks away. “This is it. This is what we’ve been working towards all season. And we have been working our asses off. This game is ours, and we know it. We just have to prove it. We can do that, right?”

The mass of bodies choruses “Right.” 

“Alright.” Lottie nods, satisfied. “You guys know what to do. It’s easy. Now.” She holds her hand in towards the center of the circular glob of people. Nat puts her hand on top. Akilah joins them, and Lottie slips her hand on top, putting Akilah’s hand between them. Nat frowns and tries to get Lottie’s attention, but everyone piles their hand in, and they chant “Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!” until Nat’s pretty sure she’s gone deaf, and she has made zero contact with Lottie.

As they split up and go to their posts, those not starting jogging to the bench, Van jogging out to the goal, Nat tails Lottie.

“Hey, Lot?”

She acts like nothing’s happened, turning around and smiling at Natalie, but not the way she usually does. She smiles at Nat like she’s in a team huddle, not like she’s looking at Nat. “Hey, Nat, what’s up?”

“Um.” Nat leans forward. “I just wanted to ask if we were okay? Like… I dunno. I feel like things have been… weird? And I wanted to make sure that I didn’t do anything to hurt you, ‘cause, I dunno. I’d want to know, you know? So I could try to fix it.”

Nat can’t say that Lottie maintains her smile. She looks like she tries very hard to, but it looks like a grimace, and then it’s just a pained face that she twists into a smile that looks sorrowful.

“We’re fine, Nat. Promise. I’m working through some stuff, but it’s a me problem, it’s not you. For the next ninety minutes, worry about the game, not me, ‘kay?”

Natalie frowns. “Okay.”

Lottie smiles again, her flashy, team captain smile. “Great.” She turns and flounces to her starting spot at the left of the circle at mid-field. 

Nat watches, eyebrows furrowed, and makes her way opposite Lottie at the right end of the circle. Taissa stands between them, juggling the ball while they wait for the Spartans to be ready.

Natalie just watches, as Lottie switches her weight off from foot to foot and chats with Laura Lee over on left-mid. What the hell was that? Lottie was acting weird, right? And what bullshit is she working through that she wouldn’t tell Nat about it? Aren’t they supposed to be best friends? What happened to not being as close to anyone else as they are to each other?

Nat glares at Laura Lee for no good reason other than Lottie’s talking to her and not to Nat, although it doesn’t really make sense to shout at each other to carry their voices, which is what they would have to do over the distance.

Laura Lee isn’t looking, anyway.

The Spartans break out of their huddle with a loud, annoying chant, but at least they’re finally done. Nat rolls her shoulders and her neck as a player decked out in red jogs up to her. Blonde, tall. Taller than Lottie. Smirking at Nat.

“Hey.”

Nat raises an eyebrow, surprised by the friendly greeting.

“Hi?”

“Nat.” Taissa gives her a hard stare, and Nat sees Lottie observing, too, tilting her head, a frown creeping across her face.

Nat salutes Tai and keeps her attention on the game as the whistle blows. Tai passes to Lottie. Lottie gains some ground down the field, then passes to Shauna, who kicks it to Natalie, who winds up passing it back to Lottie. They make a good run, get some good passes in, but they don’t get a serious shot at goal. It’s not a bad start, but a goal would have been nice.

The Spartans turn out to be pretty good, which is expected, at the state finals, but Nat always hopes for an easy game, even if she knows she won’t get it. The Spartans, at least, play fair, and they only get into fouls occasionally, a normal, accidental amount. 

The Spartans are pretty good, but Natalie’s pretty sure the Yellowjackets are better. If she could only prove it, get a ball in the net. Taissa’s getting antsy, too, Natalie can see it. She can’t read anyone as well as she can read Lottie, but Tai itching to score a goal is a pretty obvious Tai to read, plus it’s basically Tai at any given moment. Now, though, Nat can see the urge written especially hard in her movements, the intention clear with every look she makes at the Spartans goalkeeper. Fine. They won’t really know how good they are until they get a shot at goal.

And after ten minutes, they’re all getting impatient. Even the crowd is growing restless, waiting for a ball to roll into a net, any net.

Natalie desperately hopes it’ll be the Spartans net.

The ball goes out of bounds about a quarter of the way down the field near Van. Mari retrieves it to throw, and Tai takes the lead, racing out to midfield, calling for Mari to pass it to her. The Spartans scoff at the distance, and dedicate most of their players to blocking people standing closer to Mari, like Nat. Mari throws, Nat holds her breath, and the ball lands perfectly at Tai’s feet. Tai now in possession farther down the field than Nat, a literal striker, she sets off in a dead sprint towards the goal, seeing Lottie do the same on the other side of the field. 

“Tai,” she calls, breaking out ahead of Taissa, nearing the goal. Tai kicks the ball, and it comes right to Nat. It’s just her and the goalkeeper. Nat doesn’t hesitate. She’s been paying attention as she ran down the field, scanned the goal, watched the goalkeeper. She feints left and shoots the ball right, successfully duping the goalie into leaping the opposite direction as the ball. It rolls right into the net.

Goal! And… a whistle?

She turns to see a frustrated Taissa and the ref making a familiar motion. Offsides. Of fucking course. There’d been nobody there but her and the goalie, their defense was probably still at midfield when Nat got the ball. Damn.

The goal doesn’t go on the scoreboard, but the crowd was screaming, and it definitely got the Yellowjackets on edge, and the Spartans are a little more nervous.

After being scored on, even though it didn’t count, the Spartans start with the ball. They get some good ground downfield, but Jackie boots it out of bounds before they get a shot at Van. When the Spartans throw the ball in, the scuffle somehow ends with Shauna in possession and she speeds off up the field, promptly losing the person covering her. She passes the ball off to Tai, who keeps it going and passes to Lottie. They are definitely not offside now. The Spartans defenders are all over Lottie, but she’s still managing to get through somehow, probably utilizing all that fancy footwork Natalie could never wrap her head around. 

The Spartans are doing something stupid, though, and all of their defenders are crowding around Lottie, leaving Nat completely open.

“Lottie!” she calls. “Lottie, I’m open.”

Then Lottie does something she’s never done before. She looks at where Nat is, surveys the scene, and looks back down at the ball, at the defenders coming at her from all sides. And instead of doing the smart thing, the thing that will most likely get them a goal, Lottie shoots. The ball bounces off the side of one of the many defenders blocking her. They knock it out of bounds and it becomes a throw-in for the Yellowjackets, but Nat doesn’t pay attention to that.

“Lottie,” she calls, trying not to get angry. “I was open.”

Lottie looks at her blankly. “Sorry,” she says, not sounding remotely sorry. “I didn’t see you.”

She’s lying through her teeth and they both know it, but Nat doesn’t have time to call her out on the bullshit, Mari’s already throwing the ball back into play. She’s zoning back into the game as Mari throws the ball, but she’s too late. The ball ends up with the Spartans, and so begins a twenty-minute fight for control of the ball with no clear winner and absolutely zero goals for anyone.

It means that the Spartans don’t score, but it also means the Yellowjackets don’t score. And Nat really wants the Yellowjackets to score.

The slip-up comes when the ball is far away from Nat, Jackie fighting for control of the ball with a Spartan striker. Jackie manages to slide her foot in and knock the ball sideways. Crystal gets to it first, knocking the ball to Laura Lee. Laura Lee looks at Lottie, and they lock into a familiar pattern, a drill Nat’s practiced with Lottie a million times, passing the ball back and forth as they work their way up the field. Laura Lee passes to Tai when the drill has run its course, and Nat races towards the goal. She doesn’t even need to call for Taissa, she sees Nat, nods at her and passes the ball.

Nat gets the ball and keeps running, the Spartans center defender in front of her so she’s certain she’s not offsides. The defender is in front of her, but she’s close to the net. She could take the shot, feels pretty confident that she could make it again.

Instead, she opens the field to her teammates and looks around. This, it turns out, is where she really fucks up. Lottie isn’t even trying to pretend that she thinks Nat’s going to pass the ball to her, she’s standing back a few feet near Tai, feet planted, just staring at Nat with that fucking look in her eye. Like, fucking adoration, or something. That’s not quite right, either, but she can’t fucking figure out what is right. She stares at Lottie, determined to figure out what it is, to understand why she looks at Natalie this way and why she’s been acting so strange, why she was feigning indifference of all things to Nat of all people.

Of course, while all of that is happening in her head, what happens physically is Natalie is in front of the goal, one defender and goalkeeper in front of her, and she just stops. Moving. The defender rushes forward, nudges the ball away from Nat. Another Spartan takes the ball, passes it, and they push it and push it and then, somehow, they get the ball past Van. And suddenly the score is 0-1 for the Spartans, and Coach Martinez is calling for a timeout, yelling at Natalie, asking her why the fuck she froze, what the fuck is wrong with her. 

Nat spends the last five minutes of the first half on the bench, trying to puzzle over what the fuck happened. The score at the end of the first half is 0-1, and nobody will look at her in the deathly quiet locker room, not even Jackie, not even Van, not even fucking Lottie.

Lottie Matthews of all people won’t fucking look at her. And how desperately she wants Lottie to look. A year ago, when Lottie was tailing her around the halls, she would have done anything to have the girl look away from her. Now, here she is, hoping beyond hope that Lottie figures out whatever the fuck is bothering her and starts acting normal with Nat again.

“Nice going, Scatorccio.”

Tai would be the one to break the ice.

“I’m sorry.” There’s nothing she can do, nothing she can say that is going to change anyone’s mind on what happened, least of all Taissa Turner.

“You fucking froze. We don’t fucking freeze on this team.”

“Yeah, well. Oops. Maybe you’ll want to talk to your team captain about that one, too, though.”

Taissa grits her teeth. “Lottie didn’t have the fucking ball. Lottie didn’t just stand there while the other team took it right from under our foot and scored a fucking goal.”

“Yeah, and you know who did? Me. So what are you going to do about it? Are you gonna beat me up?”

Taissa looks like she wants to, fists balled at her sides. “No. But you can’t fucking do that again.”

“Or what?” She can feel the fight stewing in her fists, can see Tai's patience thinning, can feel herself getting worked up.

“Natalie.”

Everyone in the locker room freezes at the sound of Lottie’s voice. The crowd that had begun to form around Tai and Nat parts to let Lottie through. Lottie walks right past Tai and stands in front of Nat, looking her up and down. She tuts disapprovingly, then wraps her arms around Natalie, holding her tightly.

Nat is frozen to the spot, feet stretching hundreds of miles into the earth, arms glued to her sides. She feels stiff, like a rock with a moss coating growing on it to protect it from the sun.

“I’m sorry,” Lottie whispers, directly into Nat’s ear. Quiet enough that nobody else can hear. “Forgive me. And them. And yourself. It’s not your fault.”

It feels a lot like it is, but when Lottie says it isn’t, Nat can’t help but be inclined to believe her. And when Lottie lets her go, she says soft words that go right in one ear and out the other for Natalie, but everyone else nods along, and then people are looking at her again when they walk out of the locker room for the second half, and a few people actually exchange words with her and pat her on the back as she sits on the bench for the start of the second half.

Nat sits on the bench, chugs her water, stretches, and cheers for her teammates. Please, let them score. Please, let them score. 

It’s been a grueling opening. Bitter back and forth, the Spartans are rejuvenated with their one point lead, but the Yellowjackets are rejuvenated with the spirit of Lottie, and they are not going down without a fight. It’s a corner kick for Tai after thirty exhausting-looking minutes, and Natalie likes the look of this set-up. Tai has a killer corner kick from right field, and Lottie is in a prime position for a header.

They’ve done this before. They’ve practiced this a million times. Natalie has done this a million times. She wants so badly right now to run up to Coach Martinez and beg him to put her back in, but she doesn’t. She sits on the bench and waits. Watches. 

Natalie watches as Taissa winds up and kicks. A beautiful shot, arcing over and curving in the air… The ball would have gone in all by itself if there weren’t a goalie. Since there is a goalie, Lottie gets in the way and knocks the ball a little to the right, nudging it past the goalie and into the net.

Natalie waits, holding her breath, but there is no whistle. Jackie’s boyfriend announces the point. The scoreboard changes.

1-1, Yellowjackets versus Spartans.

They still have a chance.

And Coach Martinez can see the girls getting exhausted, can see even Shauna slowing down, and he starts making subs. Nat sits up a little straighter each time he scans over the benched players, and sags lower as he passes over her each time. 

Until. 

Five minutes left in the game. Score still tied, and Akilah looks absolutely gutted. She’s honestly been fucking killing it, getting open, making good passes, getting good shots, applying pressure when necessary. But the game is hard, and she’s only a sophomore. 

The Spartans are making substitutes, which means the Yellowjackets can do the same, if they wish. Coach Martinez scans the field and shakes his head minutely.

“Um, Coach Martinez? I’m afraid Akilah might be getting dehydrated.” Misty fucking Quigley. Nat could kiss her.

Coach Martinez follows Misty’s pointing figure to Akilah, who’s leaning over, hands on her knees. He grunts assent, turns to the bench. Sighs, stopping in front of Nat.

“Are you awake now, Scatorccio?”

“Yes, Coach.”

“You’re not gonna black out on me again?”

“No, Coach.” Please. Please, please please.

He sighs again, scratches his chin. “Get your ass out there, Scatorccio.”

Nat breaks into a grin. “Yes, Coach.” She gets her ass out there, Akilah recognizing her as she sprints out and jogging towards the bench, mouthing ‘Thank God’ and giving Nat a high five as they cross paths.

Lottie smiles at her as she returns to her spot on the field, and it’s not quite how she usually smiles at Nat, but it’s not her team-captain smile. Progress.

“Natalie.”

Taissa. She nods at Nat, her eyes dark, and Nat nods back, understanding her silent communication. They each nod at Lottie, who nods back at them. Taissa has declared it, and so it shall be; they are going to score a second goal before they go into overtime.

It doesn’t happen on their first try. Or the second try. Or the third. Or the fourth. And they’re dominating gameplay, but the Spartans defense is fucking good, and the time is trickling down, and Nat knows if they go into overtime Taissa and Lottie are going to start burning out. They’ve been playing the whole game, no substitutes. And if overtime goes on too long, they’ll go into sudden death. They don’t need that kind of stress right now.

They need to fucking score.

“Natalie,” Lottie demands, panting through their final timeout. “When that whistle blows, you run for the goal. I don’t care what happens down here, you run for that goal. They think you’re going to freeze, they’re guarding me more than you. Tai, you pass it to me. I run up the field, I pass to you, you pass to Nat. Done.”

Taissa nods and busies herself with water. Tai respects Lottie in a way she rarely respects anyone, and it means that she almost always goes along with Lottie’s plans without argument, especially when she could be drinking water.

“Lottie,” Nat says softly, not as concerned with water as the rest of them, as she’s been on the bench for a while. 

“No, Nat. We’re not talking about that.”

“But–”

“No.”

“What if–”

“No. No ‘what–if’s. You’re going to score. You’re not going to freeze.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I believe in you.”

Natalie sighs, but she can’t think of any other argument, and timeout is up, anyway. There’s thirty seconds left on the clock before they go into overtime as the Yellowjackets and Spartans get themselves into position.

The whistle blows. Nat supposes that Tai passes the ball to Lottie, but she couldn’t really say. She does as she was told, turns her back on gameplay altogether and sprints for the goal. She turns around in time to see Lottie dribbling up the field, sweeping in and around several people blocking her. She was right about what she said, there’s only one defender falling back to guard Nat, the rest are all focused on Lottie.

Lottie gets caught and nearly loses the ball, but she manages to slide it out to Tai. Tai makes it the final distance towards the net, and the defender guarding Nat rushes to meet her, leaving Nat wide open.

The defenders guarding Lottie are probably starting to see the problem, but it’s too late.

Tai passes the ball to Nat, and this time, she doesn’t hesitate. She surveys the field, sees Lottie caught up in three red bodies, Tai blocked by one, her blocked by nothing but the goalie. It’s a no-brainer. Natalie lines up her shot, dribbles the ball right up to the goalie. They dive for it, but Nat scoops the ball past them and they fall to the ground behind her. There is literally nothing in between her and the net.

The ball slides into the net, and the whistle blows, ending the match.

Final score, 2-1 in favor of the Wiskayok High Yellowjackets.

Natalie jumps up and down and screams “Buzz, buzz, buzz,” until her voice goes hoarse. 

Her eyes meet Lottie's as she screams, “We’re going to motherfucking nationals!!!”

.

The sleepovers at Jackie’s are nothing compared to parties at Jackie’s.

Especially parties at Jackie’s celebrating the girls soccer team winning states and going to nationals.

Nat sips at ginger ale she knows Jackie pretends to like so her Mom will buy for Nat and observes a game of truth or dare, learning that Laura Lee once called her piano instructor a cunt and that Van fell before Taissa did.

She doesn’t quite notice how drunk Lottie’s gotten until she starts pulling out the gymnastics. It’s something she pulls out when she gets drunk enough, it’s how she got into the infamous handstand competition with Tai all those weeks ago. The party long ago extended outside, so it’s not difficult for Lottie to start working flips and aerials into the regular rotation. 

“Nat,” she beckons, swaying on her feet.

“What’s up, Lot?” Nat asks, approaching as requested. 

“‘M gonna lift you,” Lottie slurs, putting her hands on Nat’s waist.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Princess. You’re pretty wasted.”

“Aw. But I wanna throw you.”

Nat chuckles. “How about you throw me when you’re sober?”

“I guess.” Lottie doesn’t move her hands from Natalie’s waist, though, and the touch is burning through Nat’s uniform.

“Do you know anything about flower symbolism, Lottie?” Nat asks, remembering the primroses, mostly on a whim.

“Uh-huh,” Lottie says brightly. “I got a book about it for you. That’s why I got you the primrose.” Her face falls. “You didn’t really understand, though.”

“What didn’t I understand, Lot?”

“Nothing. You still don’t get it. You wouldn’t.”

“Try me?”

“I don’t wanna lose you.”

“You won’t lose me.”

Lottie swallows. “I love you, Natalie.”

Nat blinks. They’ve never put those words to their friendship before, but sure. Surely she loves Lottie.

“I lo–”

Lottie covers Nat’s mouth with her hands. “No. You still don’t get it. Natalie. Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. I still have the four-leaf-clover on my bureau, and I learned to make origami frogs after we went for that walk and you got so excited when you saw that frog. And I couldn’t stop staring at you when I first moved here and you didn’t seem interested, but I would have done anything. I did everything. Just for you to notice me. And you did, I guess, but not the way I wanted you to.”

Her hands have slid down Nat’s mouth, resting on her chin.

“Lottie…”

“I was so happy when you finally called me that, because it was like we were actually friends. But I was scared, too, because of how happy it made me. Natalie, I love you. But… that’s not all. I… I’m in love with you. I helped you cut your hair because I’m in love with you. I got you those hair products because I’m in love with you. I got you that primrose because I’m in love with you. ”

She started to cry sometime during her speech, chest heaving from exertion.

Natalie has never been more still in her life.

“And I know I haven’t been looking at you the same, and I know you’ve started to notice and it’s bothering you. And I’m sorry. I was scared. I was scared that you would be able to see it on my face, that you would be able to tell. You could always read me so well… I was scared you’d see right through me.”

Natalie could always see emotions on Lottie’s face that nobody else seemed to notice. There was just one, the most obvious, consuming one of all that she hadn’t been able to identify. Love. It makes so much sense. Fuck. Everything they did together, all those late nights in Lottie’s bed, all those mornings waking up cuddling… Lottie was in love with Natalie. And Natalie… what the fuck was Natalie? 

“Lottie, I… I don’t know what to say, I…”

“That’s okay.” Lottie drops her hands off Nat’s face, and she’d forgotten they were even still there, but now that they’re gone she feels so cold. “You don’t have to know, you don’t have to say anything, Natalie.”

Nat nods, wrapping her arms around herself. Fuck. “Um.”

Lottie takes a few steps backwards, and the farther she goes the more Nat wants to go after her, like they’re opposite sides of a rubber band being stretched too thin.

“Um. I have to go.”

The rubber band snaps as Lottie rushes into the house.

Fuck.

Nat stands there in the cold, biting November air. When had she started crying? How long has she been shaking? Fuck.

How long has she even been out here? Nat has no idea. How long has Lottie been gone? It feels like forever.

Fuck . She was so stupid. She should have known, should have recognized that look in her eyes. What else could it have been? Nat could never have hurt Lottie, except, maybe, for like this. And what even is ‘like this’? Breaking her heart?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fucking fuck. Natalie broke Lottie’s heart. Fuck. Fuck.

“Nat?”

She doesn’t move, just stands there, goosebumps on her bare arms and shaking like a leaf.

“Oh, shit. Natalie, come on. Let’s go inside.”

Tai. Nat can only tell it’s her when she jogs down from the porch to Nat in the grass and she comes into Nat’s line of sight. She steers Natalie by the shoulders back towards Jackie’s.

“Jesus, you’re like ice. How long have you been out here?”

Nat’s only response is her chattering teeth.

“What happened?”

Nat takes a shaky breath, wiping her tears away on her sticky jersey. “I… I don’t know.”

Taissa looks at Natalie, long and hard, like if she looks long enough she’ll be telepathically filled in on what happened.

“Okay. Okay, I’m driving you home.”

“No, Tai–”

“No. You look like shit, I’m taking you home.”

“Lottie?” It’s all she can muster, she can only hope that Tai understands, that she sees the seriousness in Nat’s face.

Tai sighs. “Shauna drove her home. That’s all I know.”

“Okay.” She’s home. She’s safe.

Fuck.

Tai grabs onto Nat’s arm and drags her through Jackie’s house, where only a few people stop to watch as an angry Tai and a stone-faced Natalie stumble through the masses of people dancing and drinking. Van takes a step towards them, but Tai shakes her head, and Van retreats. Good. The fewer people that witness Nat in this state the better.

Taissa rolls the windows down, and somewhere, in the depths of Natalie’s mind, she appreciates the fresh air. The rest of her thoughts are all devoted to Lottie, but her thoughts aren’t really coherent, she’s just thinking fuck, fuck fuck . The best friendship she’d ever had, the best one she could ever hope to have, gone. The most incredible person on the planet, and Natalie broke her heart.

“Fuck.”

Tai looks over at her from the driver’s seat, nodding sympathetically. “Did you tell her?”

“Tell her? Tell her what?” Tai just looks at her, eyebrows furrowing. “She’s the one who gave a whole fucking confession, or whatever, I had no idea. Fuck. Fuck, Tai, what the fuck do I do?”

Taissa’s mouth drops open. “You had no idea? Seriously?”

“Fuck, Tai, I don’t know what I thought, I don’t know, okay? I’m freaking the fuck out, here.”

“You’re right. Sorry. Um.” Tai leaves her mouth open, but nothing else comes out, like she knows that there’s nothing she can say to fix the gaping hole in Nat’s heart. “Do you want to listen to some music?”

Helpless to do anything, Nat nods. Tai scrambles to unlock her phone and opens spotify, handing her phone to Nat.

“Put on whatever you want.”

Her voice has a gentle quality, one she usually reserves for Van, but Nat supposes that her crisis-mode warrants some gentle love, as opposed to the tough love Tai usually deals out. She doesn’t have the energy to pick out a playlist, to even think about it, but there’s something paused at the bottom of the screen, so Nat just hits play on that and plugs the phone into the car.

Familiar guitar strums over the speakers. Nat sags in her seat. Fuck. She wouldn’t have guessed that Taissa was a big boygenius fan, but here she is. Leaving her spotify paused right at the beginning of fucking ‘We’re In Love’.

Nat listens to the music and thinks about Lottie and cries.

When Tai pulls up at Nat’s trailer, she says, “Take care of yourself, okay?” and Nat can tell she’s worried, and genuinely making an effort to be kind to Nat, but she just doesn’t have it in her to fake a smile and pretend that her fingers aren’t itching for a fucking cigarette.

“I’ll see you, Tai.”

The car door slams behind her.

In her room, Nat looks at the dried primrose hanging from her blinds first thing and just bursts into tears. She lies on her bed while the long, hard, sobs wracked her body. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

She must have drifted off at some point, when she’d cried all she possibly could and could produce no more tears, even though she was still feeling lost, still hiccupping. Her face feels tight from all the tears and snot that dried on it, but she ignores it and picks up her phone, quickly googling ‘primrose flower meaning’. Again, google highlights the words ‘youth, renewal, and optimism’. Doesn’t exactly scream the speech Lottie gave her. She keeps scrolling, clicking on a link to a website boasting the ‘Ultimate guide to primrose flower meaning and symbolism’. It takes some scrolling, and at first all she finds is more stuff about renewal and how primrose is viewed as a symbol of youth. But there. Right after the youthful shit. 

‘To the Victorians, a gift of a primrose signified young love. In the language of flowers, a gift of a primrose says “I can’t live without you.”’

Fuck. Fuck Lottie Matthews, and fuck petal republic dot com.

All of this time, Lottie was in love with her.

And she’d been trying to tell her the whole time.

Fuck.

The one thing she’d had, the best thing that had ever happened to her. Gone. Natalie’s gone and lost Lottie Matthews.

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

4:32 am

jackie
holy shit
nat
guys ur not gonna believe this

van
what happened

jackie
so remember that tall blonde girl on the other team? she was on offense but she was the one thirsting over nat the whole game

mari
OMG YES I REMEMBER HER
NUMBER 17 YES

jackie
YES
HER NAME IS ADRIANNA SHE JUST DMED ME ON IG LOOKING TO SHOOT HER SHOT WITH NAT

van
no fucking way

jackie
I SWEAR
Attached image
WHAT DO I SAY

mari
omg i would be blushinggg
that girl was really hot ngl

akilah
omg. that’s so funny
lottie u gotta defend ur girl

mari
no 
they’re “not dating” remember

akilah
idc if i were in a “friendship” like they are i would not be seeing other ppl lmaooo

mari
jackie can u send her my insta instead

jackie
NO
WHAT DO I SAY THO

Tai
Tell her no. And shut up, guys.

mari
oh?

lottie
nat can go out with her if she wants. we’re not dating

akilah
😲😲😲😲😲

nat
jax u can give her my @ if u really want but im not interested

jackie
okay !

mari
ok wtf was that

Tai
Quiet.

akilah
????
um.

Chapter Text

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

3:07 pm

lottie
good afternoon state champs!!!!!!!!! reminder that since we won state championships we are officially invited to hs nationals in portland, oregon! the permission slip has been emailed to all of you and your parents, please get it signed asap!!! we leave in two weeks (that’s december 4th!) and we’re meeting AT SCHOOL. we will be taking a bus to the airport FROM SCHOOL. also you gotta be at school by 7:00 am. i know it sucks. i’m sorry. i don't want to be there at seven either, but i don’t have a choice, and neither do you. if you’re not at school at seven we WILL leave without you and be forced to play without you at nationals. also, this nationals shit is expensive AF but pls get your fees in so we can go, if they are at all a strain on you/your family unit please lmk!!!!! my dad is renting a literal private plane for us to take to oregon, so i can assure you it is not a strain on me at all!!! seriously. if it’s between you not going and my dad paying for you to go, please let that rich asshole pay. please. i will be sending out a packing list later, in the meantime work on that paperwork and start planning your outfits for our team celebration dinner tmrw night! great job, nj state champions!!! love you and proud of u all

jackie
thank you lottie!!!

van
wow. that’s a long ass paragraph that i will not be reading

lottie
send me ur paperwork pls
be at school at 7 december 4th
im paying for u

van
aw shucks
love you lot

mari
can the bus stop at dunkin on the way to the airport

gen
PLS

lottie
i mean if you want to get that put on the schedule we can do that and leave at six thirty am?

mari
noooooooo

lottie
in that case you will have to provide your own dunkin

akilah
:( 

lottie
sorry!!! i didn’t make time work the way it does!!! blame god, idk

akilah
*shakes fist at sky*

.

She puts the dried primroses into her closet.

Because seeing them all the time in her room is making her think of Lottie, which is bullshit, because she’s inevitably already thinking of Lottie when she sees them, because Lottie is all she can fucking think about these days, but the primroses just make her think about her more, and sometimes she does manage to forget about Lottie, about the gaping hole in her chest for a moment, but then she turns her head a little, or a breeze runs through her open window and rustles the dried petals, making them crinkle, and boom depression.

She tries throwing them out, drops them unceremoniously at the top of her trash can and turns away, but that somehow makes her feel worse.

So, she puts the dried primroses into her closet. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Except, she still knows that the flowers are in there. And now she just thinks about them whenever she looks at her closet, and whenever a breeze blows through her window she thinks about how she isn’t hearing the primrose petals crinkling because they’re in her closet, and the whole thing is just completely fucked.

I can’t live without you.

Fuck.

It’s not really the primrose that are the problem, Nat knows that. She just doesn’t like it.

All of which is to say, she isn’t coping well without Lottie.

Obviously.

She’s never gone without her for this long since they’ve gotten to know each other, and she hasn’t done it when they’re on such… bad terms? Are they on bad terms? They aren’t good, Nat supposes. Lottie confessed her love for Nat, and Nat just stood there and then Lottie went home crying, so… yeah. Bad terms probably applies.

It just doesn’t feel like bad terms all the time, and then something crops up that Nat would normally do with Lottie and it hits her all over again.

Like, she sends her forged permission slip for nationals by fucking email because she’s worried about texting Lottie. She doesn’t even know what she’s fucking worried about, but she can sure tell she’s fucking worrying, so she just emails it. Because what she’s really concerned about is that Lottie will feel hurt all over again whenever she sees Nat’s name, whenever she thinks it, so the last thing she wants to do is send over paperwork with her name all over it, but she kind of has to. And Lottie’s still going to receive the email, it’s not like she’s escaping what she’s worried about, but the email feels… less intimate. Whatever. It’s stupid, to be worrying about the girl whose heart she broke. She shouldn’t care, she didn’t when Lottie ran away from her crying. Lottie was crying because of Nat. Her heart is broken because of Natalie. It’s all her fault.

But also, it’s not her fault at all. She didn’t ask Lottie to fucking fall in love with her! She didn’t ask Lottie to get her called to the principal’s office, she didn’t ask to be her friend. In fact, she made an effort to stay away from Lottie. And now look where they are.

Maybe she was right in grade eleven, wasted and on the edge of death half the time. Maybe she should have stayed away from Lottie Matthews, after all.

.

The next morning, she finds a bouquet on the doorstep. She knows who they’re from, knows only one person who could possibly be sending her flowers, but there’s a note tucked into the pink blossoms anyway, which says only ‘L’. 

If it stands for ‘Lottie’, or ‘Love’, Natalie isn’t sure. Either way, they make her stomach hurt. 

The flowers are beautiful, and the aroma takes some of the stench out of her room, but more than anything, they hurt. She doesn’t get Lottie anymore, but she can have some flowers. She would throw them away in a second if it meant she could get Lottie back.

And Lottie isn’t here now, either, to tell Nat what kind of flower they are, what they symbolize. 

Nat doesn’t have the book Lottie ordered on flower symbolism.

She does have a cell phone, though, and google is free. When she searches for 'heart shaped flowers’, because that’s what best describes the bouquet sitting in the beer bottle on her windowsill, she gets a few hits, but nothing looks quite right until she finds an advertisement for bulbs of a plant called ‘bleeding hearts’. Nat winces. That doesn’t bode well. She googles ‘bleeding heart flower symbolism’ anyway, and gets some hits. She learns that bleeding heart is most strongly associated with, A. Strong and unconditional love, and, B. Unrequited love, sadness, and heartbreak.

Fucking great. Which is it, Lottie? 

The more she thinks about it, she can’t decide which option she would rather be Lottie’s intentions. Like, if it’s sadness, heartbreak, and unrequited love, what the fuck is she supposed to do with that? Like, yeah, no shit, she hasn’t exactly gotten over it in the past three days, either. If it’s strong and unconditional love… again, just what the fuck does she do with that? Like, Lottie’s telling her that it’s been three days and her love hasn’t died yet, that doesn’t necessarily qualify as ‘unconditional’ in Nat’s book. Then again, her parents don’t love her as fucking unconditionally as they were supposed to, so she really doesn’t know shit about love, let alone unconditional love.

Oh.

Maybe that’s it.

Natalie Scatorccio does not know love. She did not grow up in a loving household. She never had reason to bashfully hide notes in her lunch on the first day of school, she was lucky if she was able to scavenge anything for lunch at all. She doesn’t really think about love, if she’s being honest.

Or. She didn’t.

Until three days ago, when Lottie Matthews ripped her fucking world in half by using the word more in five minutes than Natalie had ever heard it before in her entire fucking life.

Hell, she’s heard the word ‘fuck’ out of her mother’s mouth more than she’s ever heard Mom say ‘love’.

She never got tucked into bed, she put herself to bed. She tried asking for a bedtime story once, and they laughed at her. 

How would she know if she loves Lottie Matthews? She doesn’t know what love is, what it feels like.

“Natalie? You’re alive?”

Nat sits on her bed, picks at her raw, bitten nails and tries not to look at the bleeding hearts (she fails). “Ha, ha. Funny.”

“Seriously, Dude. Tai didn’t tell me anything, obviously it’s none of my business, but you didn’t look good.”

“Thanks.”

Van laughs through the phone. “No problem. Anyway, what’s up?”

“Um.” Nat looks at the Nirvana poster above her bed that she put up to cover up the dents in the wall from her Dad’s fists when they slammed into the wood, slammed into Nat, slammed beer bottles into the wall, splitting glass shards all over Nat. “Can I ask you a personal question? About… your… um. Relationship with Tai?”

Van bursts into laughter. “If you’re asking how I knew I liked girls, I have some news for you.”

“That’s not my question.”

A pause.

“Alright. Shoot.”

Nat swallows, the words weighing heavily in her head. “Okay. Um. Are you and Tai currently phrasing your relationship as being ‘in love’, and if you are… how did you know?”

“Nat.”

“I know, I know it’s a lot, I thought about asking Tai, but I would never be able to look at her again, and… you know.”

Van does know. She knows about Natalie like nobody else knows about Natalie, and Natalie knows about Van like nobody else knows about Van. Sharing trauma with someone else who has similar trauma is easier than explaining that trauma to someone with no experience.

Van sighs heavily. “Yeah. I know. And, for your information, Tai and I are ‘currently phrasing our relationship as being in love’. Did you practice that one? I had similar questions, you know, when Tai and I… when we started getting there. But I asked her those questions.”

“Yeah, well, Lottie and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now.”

Silence falls over the line, and Nat clasps a hand over her mouth as she realizes what she’s just revealed. 

“So this is about Lottie?”

She doesn’t say it surprised, she says it like a confirmation of a suspicion. And she knew that Van had had her suspicions about her and Lottie, had seen something in their lingering touches that the others hadn’t, but it hurts a little to hear it stated so plainly. 

Did everyone know except for Nat?

“Yeah,” she sighs. “It is.”

“Okay. Well, Natalie, I can tell you a lot of bullshit that makes love make sense in my head, but I can also tell you, just from watching, that you love that girl.”

Nat can’t breathe. “Tell me the bullshit.”

“I laugh at her shitty jokes. And they are shitty, and I am a joke connoisseur, but I’m genuinely laughing, because when she tells them they’re hilarious. She makes me smile. Just seeing her, thinking about her, she just walks into a room and I feel happy. I remember every little thing about her so I can make her coffee the way she likes, get her the food she likes at lunch, and I don’t even have to try, I just care about her so much that I remember it, but I care so much that I try anyway, even though I know I don’t need to.”

Lottie. God , Lottie. She should have known just from the way she felt thinking her name. Different from any drug she’s ever taken, and infinitely better. Lottie hates cutting her bangs. She cut them on a whim in eighth grade, and she sort of liked them, sort of felt like the longer she had them, the longer she didn’t know who she was without them. They grow out fast, falling over her eyes and disturbing her vision after only a few weeks, but she’s loathe to cut them. Nat always wound up doing it for her, dragging her into the bathroom and trimming off the pesky half-inch in two minutes. Lottie ties her shoes bunny-ear style, like she’s in kindergarten, because she had a hard time learning and after learning the easy way nobody ever bothered to show her the usual way. Natalie taught her, and Lottie’s mastered it now, but she still prefers the bunny-ear method.

She’s awful at remembering things. Forgets about entire meals then wonders why she’s tired and angry. She’d forget to take her meds if she didn’t have a timer for them. Nat always has to force water down her throat on the days before a game, because even though Lottie is the one preaching in the group chat about pre-hydrating, she struggles to actually get up and re-fill her water bottle.

Lottie’s the one that’s been drawing penises on the wall by the showers in the locker room. She’s been doing it with Nat, after everyone else has left before they go do their extra practice, then messaging in the group chat all on a high horse about treating their locker room space with respect.

Lottie’s also the one that’s been leaving kind messages in and around the penises on the wall by the showers in the locker room, going into the group chat after and praising the mystery hype-woman. 

Fuck.

“I love Lottie.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m in love with Lottie.”

“Yup.”

Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck.

“Bye, Van.”

“Bye, Nat.”

Her phone falls into her shitty mattress, and the rest of Nat follows soon after. 

Natalie loves it. Loves all of it. All of Lottie. The stupid bits she does that only her and Nat laugh at, the way she sticks out her lower lip and Nat caves in a half a second. All of it. Everything that encompasses Lottie, she’s been in love with all of it the whole damn time and she didn’t even know it.

She doesn’t sleep that night, staring at her bleeding hearts until the sun goes down, and when it does, she stares at the silhouette of her bleeding hearts instead.

When the sun starts coming up, she’s still watching her bleeding hearts, lying there as her own heart bleeds, too.

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

9:13 am

nat
so like
ik the dress code for tn is “formal”
but like

jackie
please don’t show up in sweats

nat
if i show up in sweats will they refuse me at the door? like what are they gonna do about it

jackie
i actually could tell them to refuse you at the door, yes

lottie
please follow the dress code, nat.

van
yeah. if i’m dressing up you had better be dressing up

mari
guys im torn which do i wear tn
Attached 2 images

lottie
SECOND ONE

van
second one 100%

akilah
noo the first one is so cute

nat
me personally i'm doing whatever fashion icon lottie matthews suggests

mari
nat you would do whatever lottie suggested even if it wasn't fashion related

gen
first one is mom clothes wear the second one

mari
sold. i am not a mom
nat u wanna borrow the first one? lol

van
lmaoooo
nat come get ur kid

nat
piss off

.

She spends a lot of her “getting ready” time staring at the suit laying flat out on her bed. She hasn’t touched it since last spring, hasn’t really thought about it since then, if she’s being honest. The only reminder is the polaroid she still keeps in her phone case, of her and Lottie at prom together–strictly as friends–which she sees the irony in now, as they gaze into each other’s eyes in the photo. Natalie’s slowly getting better at identifying it, and she can only call the look in their eyes love.

She knows if she were Lottie, she wouldn’t exactly be thrilled if the girl she confessed her love to who kind of rejected her four days ago showed up to a formal event dressed in clothes they got specifically for a different event with her. Mixed signals, anyone? But she doesn’t have anything else remotely formal, and her parents' clothes are completely out of the question.

The stupid suit is all she has, and Jackie’s going to tell the staff to fucking turn her away if she shows up in her sweats, so she has no choice but to force down her dignity and put the suit on.

Besides, it kind of works with her plan, the way the outfit falls. 

She pulls her hair back, puts it in as neat a bun as she can muster, does her makeup. Takes the suit jacket on and off and on and off and on and off–until she gets a text from Tai reading ‘here’ .

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Hey, Nat.” From the passenger seat, Van turns around and holds a flower out to Nat. “Got the goods for you.”

Natalie accepts the flower and tucks it into her lapel, hoping for the best. “Thanks.”

“Took us fucking ages to find one,” Tai says, pulling out of the trailer park and heading in the opposite direction, where the fancy reservation the Taylors booked for the team celebration dinner is. “And the only one we could finally find was a whole ass bouquet, so if you need more, we’ve got you covered.”

Nat smirks as Van holds up a tousled bouquet and puts it back down at her feet. “I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.”

Tai puts music on, and thankfully her music taste is more diverse than Lottie’s, so boygenius doesn’t haunt her ride, only her own head.

She knew it was coming, she knew it was a reservation made by the Taylors, but Nat is still unprepared for the level of fancy waiting for her at the restaurant. Thankfully, the waitstaff let her inside in her suit, and she fits right in alongside Van in a suit, too, and Tai in a dress.

The first person she sees at their table is Lottie, because of course she is, and she could swear that her heart actually stops. She’s not wearing her prom dress, which Nat kind of expected, because Lottie’s dad is filthy rich, and of course he would buy her a new dress for the occasion, but there was still a worry in the back of her mind that they would show up to the dinner matching while not on speaking terms.

She really hates thinking that, even if it’s what they are.

Anyway. She’s walking alongside Van and Tai, and then she isn’t, because Van and Tai keep walking like normal people and Natalie freezes because Lottie Matthews is talking to Shauna Shipman and laughing, looking absolutely ethereal in a deep purple dress.

The flower tucked into Nat’s lapel would look good tucked into her hair.

Woah. Slow down. Wake the fuck up.

Face burning, Nat catches up to Van and Tai and pulls up a chair far away from Lottie. She’s kind of getting through dinner like a normal person, making small talk and ordering food. 

Three-quarters of the way through, without a single Lottie interaction besides her grand entrance, Nat excuses herself to find the restroom. Tai shoots her a look, a nonverbal, ‘You good?’, and Nat nods, ‘Yeah, just gotta piss’, and Tai nods and flawlessly melds back into conversation, laughing at something Mari said.

She finds her way to the bathroom, does her business, and then, walking from the stall to the sinks, nearly trips over a figure bent over. A figure in purple. A figure that stands up to be Lottie Matthews, holding a pink carnation and looking confused. 

“Do you know– Oh . Hi, Nat.”

“Shit, sorry, that’s–Hi, Lot–Um. That’s mine.”

“Oh.” Lottie looks at the flower in her hands, then at Nat’s suit, at the crease by her lapel from the weight of the flower. Her lips twist into a grin. “Nice suit.”

Nat’s trying to say “Thanks,” but then Lottie leans forward and tucks the pink carnation back into her lapel and she loses her ability to articulate words. 

“Thank you,” she exhales. “Um. It’s, uh. Actually, for you.”

“Oh.” Lottie looks down at the flower again. “ Oh. ”

“Like–”

“–‘We’re In Love’,” Lottie finishes.

Nat nods, fishing the flower out of her suit and holding it out to Lottie. “Yeah.”

Lottie smiles, small, not like she usually does for Nat, but it’s real. She takes the carnation and tucks it behind her ear.

“Thank you, Nat.”

“Yeah. No problem.” She shrugs. “You know.”

Lottie nods. “Yeah. Well, I’ll leave you to your business.” She walks past Nat and heads for the stalls.

Fuck. Stupid. She was just trying to pee. Nat fucking creeped her out in the bathroom. Nice going, loser. Lottie’s going to rip out that flower and throw it into the trash can the minute Nat’s gone.

She washes her hands, resigned to the fact that maybe her plan wasn’t as genius as she thought it was. She munches on a breadstick back at the table, then nearly chokes on it when Lottie sits back down, smiling at Laura Lee, flower very much still in her hair. In fact, she’s braided a strand of her hair around the stem.

Holy shit.

“Hey, what are you looking–yo!” Van points, nudging Taissa until she looks at Lottie.

“Oh, my God. Seriously?”

She can feel the stupid blush on her cheeks as Van and Tai smirk at her. “Whatever, guys, okay? You have a whole bouquet, right?”

“Yeah. For Lottie, apparently.”

Nat glares at them and tries to eat her breadstick in peace, trying and failing to sneak subtle glances at Lottie in her dress with her flower.

It’s like they’re magnets, inevitably drawn to one another. Nat aches, wishing she were sitting next to Lottie, so she settles for gazing at her across the table whenever possible. When she isn’t looking at her, she can feel eyes on her that quickly dart away whenever she looks back at Lottie.

As dinner comes to a close, people start to trickle out the doors, the underclassmen thinning out quickly. Van yawns, and Tai is immediately on her feet.

“You cool to leave?” she asks, looking at Nat.

“Yeah,” Nat says, shrugging. 

“Actually, um. Natalie, could I talk to you?”

Lottie.

Taissa levels her gaze on Lottie, looking back and forth between Nat and the girl in the purple dress. Nat still hasn’t really filled her in on exactly what happened, so she’s probably trying to figure out if she should be mad at Lottie or not.

“You guys can leave, I can give Nat a ride home after, if that works for you.”

Tai concedes, looking at Nat for approval.

“Um. Sure.”

A half-chuckle spills out of Lottie’s mouth as a relieved smile plays on her lips. Tai nods, and her and Van leave, holding hands. Lottie stands between them and Nat, and she feels jealousy and wistfulness curdling in her stomach. 

Lottie takes a tentative step forward. Nat doesn’t step backwards, and she looks encouraged. “Hi.”

Nat smirks, although she feels anything but smug. “Hey, Lottie.”

Lottie tilts her head, looking behind Nat, at the girls still sitting around the table. “Do you wanna… maybe go out to my car?”

Nat doesn’t turn around, but she hears the giggles, can feel eyes drilling into her back. “Yeah,” she agrees, feeling hollow, putting on a show. “Let’s go.”

The remaining girls cheer and whistle as Nat and Lottie leave, and she flips them off as she goes. It does nothing to deter them, they probably think she’s just embarrassed as she heads out to Lottie’s car for a makeout session, or whatever they think her and Lottie do when they’re alone. Have a heart-wrenching discussion about Lottie’s world-shattering love confession is probably not what they’re laughing and whistling for, but it’s what’s going to happen.

She’s feeling worried, but, as Lottie’s familiar car comes into view, she realizes that she should be grateful. This is a perfect opportunity. Nat can apologize, explain herself… maybe even tell Lottie about her phone call with Van.

Then they close the doors, and Lottie’s fancy ass car has tinted windows, and Lottie’s hair is a little bit tousled from the wind, but the pink carnation is still there, and she looks so fucking good and just seeing her sitting there, quirking an eyebrow and pinching her lips together at Nat is so fucking attractive that she wonders how it took her so long to realize she was deeply, irrevocably in love with Lottie.

And she’s smiling . She’s smiling at Nat, and not in the strained, customer-service way she has been the past few weeks. No. She’s smiling at Nat the way she used to, before everything got fucked up and complicated. She smiles at Nat without thinking, just letting everything shine through in her face because somewhere she still trusts Nat with her heart. 

Natalie’s heart is pounding and she’s been thinking about Lottie’s smile and now she can’t take her eyes off of her lips.

And Lottie’s just staring at her, lips still twisted into a smile, eyes on Natalie, eyes everywhere . Her face, her body.

She sucks in a breath adorably when Nat puts a hand on her thigh, looking down at the pale skin on her purple dress. Nat giggles at her reaction, and Lottie’s head whirls up and she gasps again, her lips a mere inch from Natalie’s.

“Lottie,” Nat breathes, because it’s too much. All of it. She’s so stunningly beautiful, so sensual, teasing Natalie, yet so innocent, so startled when she makes a move. A loose hair blows over Lottie’s bangs, putting a wall between them. 

Hand shaking, Nat reaches out and tucks the hair behind Lottie’s ear. Cups her chin. 

Heat radiates between them as Lottie dives forward and captures Nat’s lips in hers. Nat sits in the passenger seat, frozen, not expecting Lottie to actually engage. But she did. They’re kissing. Lottie’s lips are on Natalie’s. They are kissing. Holy shit.

Nat leans into it, moves her lips against Lottie’s as they fall into a familiar rhythm. 

“Natalie,” Lottie says into Nat’s mouth. It makes Nat smile, their lips parting, noses touching. “Nat.” Lottie’s voice darkens, her expression sours, and Nat can feel the bliss, the equilibrium they just reached shattering. Lottie leans back. “You don’t… you don’t have to do that.”

“Do what?” Nat asks, scooting back in her seat to give Lottie space, head still spinning, molecules still readjusting from their mind-blowing kiss.

Lottie’s voice cracks. “Pretend.”

“Pretend? Lottie, I’m not fucking–”

“No. Let me say this, Nat, please. I practiced.” And Lottie looks so tired, so determined, that Natalie shuts her mouth and lets her speak. 

Lottie takes a long breath in and out. 

“Okay. So, I–fuck, this is hard.” She lets out a pained laugh and runs a hand through her hair. She fixes her gaze on Nat and takes a deep breath. “I want to apologize to you about what I said a few days ago.”

“Lottie, you don’t have to–”

“Please, Natalie. This is hard enough already.”

Nat’s teeth click together in her haste to close her mouth.

“Thank you. I want to apologize if I made you uncomfortable, but most of all I want to apologize for my explanation. You are worthy of love, and I would have been your friend and done all those things even if I wasn’t… if we weren’t… Well.” Lottie clears her throat. “Except for maybe the flowers. But my point is, it was shitty of me to imply that I only wanted to get to know you because I was attracted to you. And I wanted to tell you that you are a fucking incredible person, and you are so strong, and whoever has your heart someday–and I understand now that that person won’t be me, and I’m learning how to accept that–is going to be really fucking lucky. And… Well, I was wondering if we could still be friends?”

Natalie can’t fucking breathe.

“Lottie… We just kissed.”

Lottie coughs. “We did. And I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry I lost my composure, I was... you are… anyway. It was a mistake, and if you are willing to still be my friend, I promise that it will never happen again.”

Her lungs are still pumping air in and out, her heart is still pumping blood out to her organs, but Natalie’s soul is out of her body, floating far away into the sky where there are no pretty girls and love is only the stars shining in the night sky.

“Sure,” says the rotting corpse that’s still occupying Nat’s body. “We can be friends.”

Lottie exhales, a small smile overtaking her features. “Oh. Cool. Okay. Friends?” She holds out her hand, offers Nat her pinky. Nat stares at the hand, that, minutes ago, was tangled in her hair while they kissed.

She loops her pinky with Lottie’s.

“Friends.”

Lottie plays boygenius while she drives Natalie home, and things are exactly like they were a month ago, and Nat never dreamed that she would be disappointed by that, but here she is, holding back tears and vomit and feeling fucking useless.

I can’t live without you.

Reduced to fucking pinky promises and tender, fragile friendship.

And Lottie was supposed to drop Nat off at home, but when she’s in her trailer, staring at her bleeding hearts and crying as she listens to the sounds of Lottie’s car driving away, she can’t help but feel that home is driving away in that fancy ass fucking car and taking Nat’s heart with her. 

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

1:52 am

mari
things have been so fucking weird recently
like nothing feels real
first we win states, nat and lottie are being fucking weird, and now jackie dumps jeff for good??? what is life

akilah
WOAH WHAT
JAFF IS DONE?????

jackie
yea
it’s okay tho i’m fine
we weren’t gonna last anyway

akilah
??????? 
okay?????
(WHAT THE FUCK)

lottie
good for u jackie
also nat and i are being normal

mari
exactly. youre being normal it’s fucking weird
like everyone else is being fucking weird about them but theyre finally acting like normal friends

van
let them live

jackie
i am always normal about them idk what u mean

shauna
leave nat and lottie alone

mari
see this is what im talking about
did somebody die??? like why are we walking on eggshells

Tai
Mari I will remove you watch it.

mari
okay??? sorry
didn’t realize i was pushing at a sensitive subject

nat
you weren’t

mari
right.

.

“She said what ?”

“She said she’d been thinking about it, and we could just be friends.” 

“Oh, my God .” Shauna takes a loud slurp of her milkshake. “Seriously?”

Nat stabs her spoon into her ice cream. “Seriously.”

“Damn, Scatorccio. That sucks. I’m sorry.”

Nat shrugs. “Not your fault.”

“I guess. Still.”

“Yeah.”

Wiskayok’s only ice cream parlor is surprisingly empty for a Saturday afternoon, but Shauna had promised Nat it would be, and hell, she’d turned out to be right.

“How’d you know this place would be a ghost town at four, anyway? You usually come here on dates with Jackie?”

“Ha-ha.”

Shauna’s phone lights up with a notification from ‘jax <3’, and with her calendar countdown for nationals reading ‘7 DAYS BITCHES’ and with her lockscreen being a photo of her and Jackie embracing, she’s sort of proving Nat’s point.

“But enough of my drama. What’s up with you?” It’s not that she’s surprised Shauna asked her to hang out, but between the inseparable duo of Jackie and Shauna, Nat’s definitely closer to Jackie.

“Um.” Pink tinges Shauna’s cheeks. “Well. Jackie broke up with Jeff. Which you knew about, I think she told you before she told me.”

“I am sorry about that.” Never again. It had been uncomfortable being in between Jackie and Shauna, so much passion radiating between them and Nat was just caught in the middle, a slain messenger. 

Shauna shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry. I was upset, but I was being unreasonable. I’m um… starting to realize I do that a lot when it comes to Jackie.”

Nat snorts. “Understatement of the century.”

Shauna flicks her straw wrapper at Nat. “Shut up. Anyway, we talked that night after you left, and, uh. We’re actually together now.”

“Oh my God. You and Jackie?”

Smiling in a way that can only mean she’s telling the truth, Shauna nods.

“You’re dating ?”

“Yeah.”

“Shut up. No fucking way. That’s only been in the making since, like, pre-k, right?”

Shauna rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Scatorccio. We’re going to tell everyone else tonight at the party, but Jax wanted to tell you before then.”

She says it with an air of lightness, but Natalie has been smelling bullshit since she’s had a nose. She frowns, tilting her head.

“Why?”

“Oh, no reason, really. I offered to tell you while Jackie told Lottie, in case… you know.”

“I don’t know. In case what?”

“Um… nothing.” Shauna’s eyes flit around the ice cream parlor, sipping at her milkshake.

“In case what, Shipman?”

Shauna sighs, pushing her milkshake away. “Fine. Jackie’s worried about you, and that… whatever the fuck it is that you have going on with Lottie would make you… I don’t know. Upset, I guess? If we just sprung it on you that we were together.”

“Why would that matter?”

“Nat… c’mon, you have to know how it looks.”

“Enlighten me, will you? How does it ‘look’?”

Shauna chews at her lip. Nat stares. Shauna blows out a breath. “It looks like you’re in love with Lottie, okay? And we were worried that you wouldn’t want to hear about a happy couple, or whatever. That you would get jealous, I guess. We just wanted to help.”

“Thank you, Shauna, really, but you can tell Jackie and get it through your head that I don’t want your fucking help.” Nat drops money on the table for her ice cream and gets up.

“Don’t you want the rest of your ice cream?”

“Keep it,” Nat calls as she goes. “Maybe bring it to your girlfriend.”

It’s a low blow and she knows it, but she sees pain reflected in Shauna’s eyes in the glass as she walks out, and she feels a tiny bit better, even if she's overwhelmed with guilt seconds later.

.

She walks to Jackie’s for the party, even though she doesn’t really feel like going. She wants to support her friends, or whatever, even if she just spent her afternoon being mean to Shauna. 

She cracks open a can of ginger ale at the drink table and she avoids talking to everyone. She didn’t plan on breaking her sobriety. Honestly, she hadn’t even felt the urge to look at the table of drinks and the fucking jungle juice, but when Mari hands out glasses of champagne to toast to Jackie and Shauna, she offers one to Nat. Mari doesn’t know. But she can feel eyes on her as she accepts the glass, can see identical worry reflected in eyes all around the table.

She downs the glass of champagne like a shot and relishes in the familiar warmth she feels in her stomach, the kind of warmth she hasn’t felt in years, since she got to know Lottie.

It’s sort of poetic, in a way, she thinks. That she stopped drinking for Lottie, and now that she’s losing Lottie, she starts drinking again.

They never could have been meant to last, Natalie and alcohol is a far more consuming love story than Natalie and Lottie could ever be.

After the champagne, Natalie loses track of the drinks. Most of them are alcoholic, she thinks, she’s just opening bottles and pouring until her red solo cup is full.

She doesn’t care.

Lottie’s dancing with Laura Lee, and Nat just fucking destroyed Mari and Akilah at a game of beer pong.

She cares so much if fucking hurts, but with the alcohol in her system, everything feels farther away.

She remembers why she drank now, she should have been drinking this whole time if it could have made her problems disappear like this.

She almost forgets about Lottie, about the burning hole in her chest.

Almost.

“Nat. Jesus, how drunk are you?”

Nat shrugs Lottie’s hand off of her arm. “Don’t touch me.”

Lottie blinks. “Okay. Sorry. But Nat, seriously, how much have you had to drink?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” Nat starts walking around Lottie, eyeing the drinks table and the cups.

“Hey.” Lottie steps to the side, blocking Nat. “Talk to me, please.”

“Why should I? You haven’t wanted to listen to what I’ve had to say the past few days, why do you care so much now?”

Lottie takes a step back, face darkening. “Really, Natalie? That’s not fair and you know it.”

Natalie takes a step forward. “Isn’t it? You don’t even know what I was going to say in your car, you didn’t listen. You were crying last time at Jackie’s saying I didn’t understand, but, really, Lottie, I think it’s you who doesn’t fucking get it.”

Lottie steps forward, their faces inches from each other. “Really? What don’t I get, then? Go ahead, enlighten me.”

Nat opens and closes her mouth, looking for the words. “I have never been more fucking confused in my life, do you know that? You confess your fucking love for me, and I had no fucking idea, and before I’m even done fucking processing that you pull me aside, kiss me , then say, actually, just kidding, let’s just be friends. All of that, and I’m trying to figure out how the fuck I feel, and you know what? I think I finally got it. I finally figured out that I do love you, that I’ve fucking been in love with you this whole fucking time and I didn’t even know it, then you say we have to just be friends. But what the fuck am I supposed to say to that? And bleeding hearts, Lottie? Really? I fucking googled that shit, what the fuck?”

Nat’s chest heaves, her fists clenched at her sides. She feels… empty. Drained.

“No.” Lottie shakes her head, eyes blown wide, panting. “That’s… no, that can’t be true.”

“It is, Lottie.”

“No. You’re drunk, and… and you said it yourself, you’re confused.”

“I am, but Lottie, it’s all starting to make sense. You make sense. We make sense." Nat pulls Lottie close, stares up into the galaxies in her eyes. "Us.”

Lottie’s chin trembles. Her lip curls, and she turns away from Nat’s grip. Instead of running, she hunches over and pukes into the grass. 

“Shit.”

Nat tries to hold her hair back and rub soothing circles on Lottie’s back, but she just vomits and cries harder. 

“Do you want some water?” Nat asks weakly, when the puking has finished and Lottie’s just standing there, hands on her knees, mouth open with nothing coming out.

“I can’t do this.” 

Lottie walks around the puke pile, onto the deck, and inside. But this time, Nat follows her. Around the puke pile, past the deck, inside. She follows Lottie right to the dance floor, where she pulls Taissa out of a slow dance with Van.

“What the fuck, Matthews?” Tai’s anger dies halfway through her sentence as she sees the look on Lottie’s face, the anger, the defeat. The puke still on her chin.

“‘Watch her’? You’re gonna keep an eye on her? Brilliant fucking job, because she’s fucking drunk.” 

Lottie storms off and Nat just stands there, gaping, as Tai turns on her.

“Nat, are you–? Oh, God.” She looks at the path that Lottie forged as she ran from the room, from Nat. “What did you say to her?”

“I told her,” Nat says, staring at the floor. “I told her everything.”

Tai sighs. “Oh, Nat. Okay. You wanna go home?”

She nods.

“Okay. Let’s go home.”

Riding in Taissa’s car with the windows down after having her heart broken by Lottie Matthews for the second time this month, Natalie feels a sense of deja vu when Tai asks if she wants to listen to any music.

“No.”

Tai nods. “Okay.”

Silence envelopes her and her dark thoughts, and as the car pulls to a stop she prepares to flee, to run into the trailer and never come out.

Then Tai unbuckles her seatbelt, too, and turns the car off. 

Nat looks outside. They are not at her trailer.

“What the fuck, Turner?”

“We’re at my house. I’m not leaving you by yourself like this, okay?”

If it were any other time, Natalie would put up a fight. If she weren’t drunk, if she weren’t reeling from her talk with Lottie, if she weren’t fucking exhausted. But she is all of those things, and she honestly just wants to go to sleep, so she just frowns and nods and lets Tai hold her arm and drag her inside. And Tai’s parents are kind of nice to Natalie, which makes them fucking incredible for letting their daughter bring home a random drunk burnout from her soccer team and letting her spend the night. 

Tai tries to offer her pajamas, but Nat refuses to change out of her party clothes. She lays down on the blow-up mattress in Tai’s bedroom, wraps herself in the spare blankets. 

“Goodnight, Nat.”

“Goodnight, Tai.”

They both pretend that they don’t hear Natalie when she starts to cry.

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

10:34 am

mari
remember when i said that things have been weird recently??? i didn’t even know shauna and jackie were dating yet like omg

van
mari do u remember when u asked who on varsity wasn’t queer and shauna and jackie said they ‘weren’t gay’ and that they were ‘allies’

shauna
shut up shut up shut up

mari
LMAOOOOOO YES
shauna and jackie: 🤡🤡

nat
biggest allies

.

Nat sits on her bed, eyes glazed over, empty duffel bag sitting in front of her.

“Okay. We’ll be there for five days, so you’ll want five outfits you can wear that aren’t your uniform.”

She points at her dresser.

Tai sighs. “Right.” She turns and opens the top drawer, holding up t-shirts for Nat to approve. 

“Does this work?” Van appears in the doorway, holding a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a hairbrush.

Nat nods, and she drops the items into the duffel bag. 

Tai finishes with the shirts and opens the next drawer, tossing in some shorts and jeans. Nat gets up and tosses her own undergarments into the bag while Tai digs around in her closet for potential formalwear on the off chance that they actually win.

“Nat, what the fuck?” Tai sticks her head out of the closet, holding the bundle of dried primrose.

She must see the expression on Nat’s face, the devastation, the helplessness, because she just grimaces and puts them back down.

Nat zips up the bag and drops it at the foot of her bed, prepared to stay there until 6:30 tomorrow morning when Van and Tai will pick her up to go to school to be there at 7:00 so they can catch the bus to nationals.

“Hey. Are you good if we head out?”

Van and Tai, standing at the door to her room, hovering, looking concerned.

She stares up at the ceiling and nods.

The mattress dips as Tai sits down and waves a hand over Nat’s face.

“Hey. You don’t have to say anything, I’m not going to make you break your fucking vow of silence, or whatever, but promise me you’re still going to be here tomorrow?”

Nat feels the tears pooling in her eyes and nods, sitting up and throwing herself into Tai’s arms.

“Oh–hey. It’s okay.”

Natalie just sobs, and Van stands over Tai, wrapping her own arms around Nat, too.

When Nat’s cried it out and releases Tai, she stands and goes back to the door, like she’s afraid that just being in Nat’s room is invading her space.

“We’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early?”

Nat nods.

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye, Nat.”

Nat waves, lying on her side and listening as the car starts and her friends drive away.

She sighs, wishing she felt something, anything.

Fuck.

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

6:07 am

lottie
good morning!!!!!
rise and shine yellowjackets
be at school by seven today or dont go to nationals
also im going to dunkin what do u guys want

van
lottie i love you have i ever told you that
me tai and nat all want large iced coffees pls

lottie
roger that
does nat want her glazed doughnut

van
oh and a glazed for nat?
oh haha
yeah

mari
LOTTIE YOU ARE MY FAVORITE
I LOVE YOU
COFFEE PLEEEAAASE

lottie
ofc!!! what size? do u want it iced?

mari
medium pls. and iced duh

shauna
can jax get a choc chip muffin pls
and hot chocolate

akilah
medium hot coffee pleaaaseee 

lottie
yes to everyone who asked for smth
anyone else?? about to order

mel
can i get a medium iced coffee pls

van
that’s the spirit
my fav baby butch

lottie
heard
okay ordered!!!! coffee and food will be at school
be there by seven
seriously

.

The private plane that Lottie’s dad rented for them has seats going in rows of two, which means that Nat can’t hide from Lottie by sitting with Van and Tai like she planned. Which is fine, but it’s also not fine at all. 

So she picks a seat near the back and hopes that nobody else tries to approach her, and it actually works. Even Misty fucking Quigley–why is she coming, again?–gets the message and leaves Nat to wallow in self pity and nurse her coffee and glazed doughnut.

Lottie looks her in the eye as she passes down the aisle, but she quickly redirects her gaze at the floor and passes Nat, sitting by herself somewhere in the back.

She’s never been on a plane before, her parents weren’t exactly ones for exotic vacations, the farthest she’s ever been out of Wiskayok is an hour or two when she was five to go see Mom’s parents in the nursing home before they died.

The plane shakes as it takes off, which is fucking terrifying, but everyone else is being normal about it, and everyone else has probably been on a plane, so Nat bites her tongue and keeps quiet. Her hopes of taking a nap are shattered by the turbulence, she doesn’t think she could ever fall asleep on a plane no matter how many she’d been on, but it is her first, and there’s absolutely no way that that’s happening. Because it’s a private plane, they don’t have a connecting flight, they’re just going all in one shot to Portland, which apparently takes about six hours. 

A crackle of static sounds over the speakers. “This is your captain speaking, we have some turbulence coming up that we are doing our best to navigate.”

They need to do a better fucking job, then, because they are fucking shaking . Nat’s gripping her armrests, hands clenching the plastic, wishing the plane would go faster and smoother.

“Nat?”

Lottie.

Standing by Nat’s aisle, shaking and not just from the moving plane, looking pale, hyperventilating. 

“Can I–?”

“Shit, Lottie, sit down.” Nat scrambles to get her shit off the seat, to buckle Lottie’s seatbelt as she practically falls into the seat.

“Sorry,” she breathes, voice practically a whisper, staring off into space. “I don’t… I don’t like planes.”

“I can see that.”

Lottie hunches over in her seat, putting her hands on her temples.

“I didn’t bring my earbuds, did you bring your airpods? Do you wanna listen to music?”

Lottie nods, digging into her pockets with trembling fingers. She comes out of a pocket with her airpods case and fumbles to open it, removing an airpod and dropping it.

“Shit.”

Nat scrambles to grab it before it disappears and succeeds at grabbing the pesky thing, holding it back out to Lottie.

“Here, let me.”

Lottie lets Nat take out the other airpod and deposit into her ear. She adjusts it, smiling weakly at Nat.

“Do you want one?”

Nat feels like she’s back in Wiskayok, on the field with Lottie.

“Sure.”

Not one to break a habit, Lottie puts on boygenius.

Nat has the courage to smile about it, now, but she’ll probably cry about it in her hotel room tonight.

She’s able to zone out for a while, absorbing the music and looking out the window as land and water pass by, the shaking bothering her less and less as the comfort of sitting next to Lottie outweighs the newer stress of their troubled relationship and the turbulence. 

After what must be an hour, she feels a head drop onto her shoulder. Startled, she flinches and turns away from the window.

Lottie.

Eyes closed, mouth dropped open, drooling. One airpod in, the other in Nat’s ear, passed out on her shoulder. 

Nat smiles and digs her hoodie out of her bag, wrapping it over Lottie’s shoulders like a blanket.

She eases her own head onto the top of Lottie’s and listens to the music and Lottie’s breathing. The longer she stays, the more she thinks that everything might work out after all, because if Lottie can be so comfortable, how could she possibly hurt Nat the way she has?

She falls asleep before she finds the sense to question that logic.

“Nat.” Something nudges her shoulder. “Nat, wake up.”

She grunts, shielding her eyes from the brightness assaulting her eyelids.

A warm, familiar laugh catches her ears, and soft lips press against her temple.

“Come on, Sleepyhead. We’re here.”

She opens her eyes to dark hair obstructing her view. The hair backs up, and the face of a smiling Lottie appears. Smiling hard, and real, the way she used to, but even more. The way she’s been smiling at Nat the past few weeks, but unrestrained. It’s stunning. 

A smile lazily crawls onto Nat’s lips and she pulls Lottie back in, their lips meeting comfortably, but the comfort is no less exciting to Nat’s system, which is setting off fireworks all over the place.

Nat pulls at Lottie until she’s sitting on Nat’s lap, lips locked, hand going to her hair.

“Get a fucking room.”

Nat flips off the general direction of the voice, deepening the kiss with Lottie, who moans.

“Ew, guys, really?”

Nat and Lottie smile too hard, their lips parting, looking into each others eyes, hands intertwined, noses still touching.

Lottie’s voice, gentle, loving, teasing. “Welcome to nationals, Natalie.”

“Nat. Come on, wake up, Nat, we have to go.”

Natalie starts, dropping sideways into Lottie, except there is no Lottie. 

“Jesus.” Tai takes a step backwards into the aisle. “Get your shit, we’re here.”

Nat blinks the sleep out of her eyes. Lottie’s gone, her stuff is gone. All that’s left is one of her airpods, still in Nat’s ear.

It was a fucking dream.

Fuck.

Her sweatshirt is gone, so she shoves Lottie’s airpod in the pocket of her sweatpants and puts on her backpack. She’s the last one off the plane, tailing Tai sheepishly as Van wolf whistles as she stumbles off the plane.

“There’s our sleeping beauty!”

Nat rolls her eyes, flipping Van off.

“Hey.” Coach Scott walks off of the bus that’s going to take them to the hotel they’re staying in. “Van, no teasing. Natalie, watch your hands.” 

They smirk at each other, Van laughing behind a hand.

“Lottie, did you do a headcount?”

Nat’s head whips around at the sound of her name, to where, sure enough, Lottie is standing at the bottom of the bus steps, arms resting on her backpack straps.

“Yep. We were only missing Nat, and now we have her. I don’t have any protocol for Coach Martinez’s kids, though.”

The eyes of everyone listening in slide towards the two teenage boys awkwardly standing to the side amidst the girls.

Coach Scott rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you don’t need any protocol for them. They’re Coach Martinez’s responsibility.”

An airport employee wearing a neon vest loads the last bag from the plane onto the new bus, and Coach Scott nods.

“Alright. Everybody on board. Next stop, hotel.”

Nat falls in line beside Tai as they crowd into a line to get onto the bus, filing on.

“Hey, did Lottie seem okay getting off the plane?”

Tai raises an eyebrow. “Nat.”

“No, I know. I’m not just asking, she showed up when we were getting the turbulence, and she was having, like, a fucking panic attack. I helped her get her airpods in and we were listening to music, then she fell asleep, then when I woke up, obviously she was gone.”

Tai still looks troubled, but she answers Nat’s question all the same. “She seemed fine. I couldn’t tell anything had happened.”

“Okay.” A small amount of the worry built up in her gut evaporates. “She left one of her airpods with me, though, and I think she took my sweatshirt.”

Tai snickers. “Good luck getting that back.”

“Yeah,” Van says, walking in front of them. She glances back pointedly at Tai. “You’re still not getting that hoodie back.”

Taissa purses her lips, and Natalie laughs. Tai glares at Nat, but it doesn’t hold any weight, and soon all three of them are laughing. Van and Tai share an aisle on the bus, and Nat sits right behind them and leans over to talk with them the whole time, making shitty jokes and playing around with filters on their phones.

At the hotel, they all crowd in the lobby while Coach Martinez checks them in and Lottie does another headcount while Coach Scott checks her work. Nat plays with the airpod in her pocket while Lottie says “Number seven?” and she raises a hand, saying, “Here.”

The headcount reveals that they didn’t lose anyone getting from the airport to the hotel, and Coach Martinez hands out room assignments. There’s two queen beds to a room and they’ll be sharing in groups of four. 

Nat receives an assignment for room number 409, and quickly clumps up with Jackie, Laura Lee, and Mari. 

“Nat.”

Shauna’s behind her, holding a room key that says ‘411’. She looks at Nat with her big fucking doe-ass brown eyes and then behind her, at Jackie.

Nat starts laughing before Shauna can even say anything else. “Yeah, we can trade, Shipman.”

“Oh.” Shauna grins. “Thanks, Nat.”

They swap room keys and Nat looks around, and finds Van holding up another 411 room key. Standing beside her is Taissa… and Lottie.

Fuck.

She turns around, but Shauna and Jackie are already holding hands and fucking giggling, and fuck if Nat’s going to get in the middle of that.

Instead, she rolls her shoulders and walks over to her new roommates for the week.

They take a group picture with the big sign the hotel has up welcoming the many teams from across the country, including the New Jersey Yellowjackets, then split up and get their bags from the bus to their hotel rooms, using those big hotel luggage trolleys. They dump their bags off just inside the door of room 411 and then head back down the hallway towards the elevators.

“Hold on.” Van sits down on the trolley, holding onto the front, Tai standing at the back, hands on the sides. “Okay, go.” 

Tai starts running down the hallway, pushing the trolley out in front of her.

Van whoops, red hair blowing out behind her. “Eat my stinger, Portland!”

Nat laughs as she holds the door for Lottie pulling out the second trolley. She smiles at her, face still bright from laughing. To her surprise, Lottie smiles back, taking a stance similar to the one Tai held, the trolley tantalizingly empty. She arches an eyebrow.

“Wanna go for a ride?”

Natalie does not need to be told twice. She drops the door and leaps onto the trolley, holding on and leaning forward. She looks back at Lottie, who pretends to rev up an invisible engine and then takes off, running down the hallway. 

Nat doesn’t have the mind to come up with a cheer as she rides down the hallway, she just laughs and cheers nonverbally. Doors open as she and Lottie race around the hallway, which turns out to go in a full circle around the lobby several floors below, allowing them to chase after Van and Tai, making multiple rotations. Other teammates appear behind the opening doors, and more cheers follow them, evolving into a repeated chant of “Buzz, buzz, buzz,” as Tai and Lottie push Van and Nat in lap after lap of the hallway.

“Okay,” Lottie says, finally coming to a stop. “I’m out.”

Nat ‘Aww’s, but gets up, moving to stand beside Lottie, who tilts her head at Nat.

“Well? Do you want a turn?”

A wide smile spreads across Lottie’s face. Her teammates cheering echoes in her ears as Lottie gets situated and then looks back at Nat, nodding.

Ready.

“Here we go.” Nat puts on her best announcer voice. “Taking off in three… two… one!” She starts running, pushing the cart to more cheers and buzzing. 

“Come on, losers!” Lottie teases as Nat pushes her past Van and Tai, who have stopped moving. She can see the renewed energy in Van’s eyes as she gets to her feet, ushering Tai into the trolley even as she weakly protests.

Sometimes Nat’s arms ache, and she thinks she can’t go on any more, then Lottie turns around and smiles at her, so much fun and awe in her eyes, or her laugh travels back and hits Nat’s ears, and her strength comes right back.

She only stops after what feels like hours, when Lottie calls, “Okay, I’m getting dizzy.” 

“Sorry,” Nat says, walking around to the side of the trolly. “Might’ve gotten a little carried away.”

Lottie shakes her head, smiling wide. “Don’t be. I had a blast.” 

She gets to her feet and sways, falling forward. She would have hit her head on the railing if Nat hadn’t caught her.

“Woah. Maybe sit back down for a minute.”

“Yeah.” Lottie lets Nat ease her back down onto the trolley. “Sorry. More dizzy than I thought, I guess.”

Nat shrugs. “No problem. You couldn’t handle the heat, I get it. Most people can’t.”

Lottie’s mouth drops open in offense. “I can very much handle it, thank you very much.”

“I don’t know.” Nat shrugs again. “You couldn’t handle me.”

Lottie’s smile vanishes.

“Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

“It’s fine,” she says, in a voice that very much says it isn’t fine. She stands up again, and stays up this time. “I can take the trolley down by myself, I don’t need help.”

Nat swallows. “Okay. See you in a minute.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you.”

Lottie disappears into the elevator, and Nat retreats back to room 411, knocking her head against the door.

Fuck.

It’s going to be a long nationals.

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

10:29 pm

jackie
yellowjackets!!!! party rn in room 409 !

nat
dont we play for literal nationals tomorrow

jackie
well yeah
but not until like 2.

lottie
thank you nat!!!! no party!!! and if party, no party past midnight!
game is not until 2 tomorrow, but practice starts at 11! and rest is important!

jackie
aye aye
party until midnight in room 409 !
i have absolutely zero alcohol but ig we could order room service idk

lottie
i am willing to cover room service bills for any food ordered BEFORE MIDNIGHT

mari
do you guys think coach scott would get us booze if we asked nicely

lottie
nobody needs to be drinking alcohol at nationals!!! and coach scott would not do that, he’s more responsible than that

mari
idk he’s a millennial and new enough to teaching that i think i could get him with a ‘you’d be so cool for that’
or just seduce him idk
it’s just hypothetical at this point i dont rlly wanna drink here

nat
yeah thats not happening
that man is so gay

mari
NO??????

van
WHAT?????

jackie
HE IS????????????
NAT

lottie
natalie is he??? omg

nat
i mean he hasn’t told me but i just thought it was obvious

mari
idk if i trust your gaydar you couldn’t sniff out lottie

nat
hey

lottie
lmao

mari
sorry mom but it’s true :( 

nat
how could you betray me like this
my own daughter

van
mari is nat’s kid top 5 yellowjackets inside jokes

mari
lottie’s my mom too
it evolved from that

van
omg
i forgot that it came from a joke about lottie and nat lmao

lottie
ive kinda been a deadbeat its okay
ill make it up to u mari i promise
u can order whatever u want on room service BEFORE MIDNIGHT

mari
thanks mom

nat
lottie i am so sick of you popping in and out of our daughters life whenever you want to. you can’t make up for missing her entire life with fucking room service. you need to be here

lottie
im really sorry to hear you feel that way
could i perhaps order you some room service BEFORE MIDNIGHT

mari
moms please i dont like when you fight

nat
sorry honey

lottie
sorry baby

.

Nationals are kind of cool, actually. Nat’s kind of just been going along with it because it gets her out of a week of school, and they won states and they never win states so she didn’t want to take it away from Coach Martinez.

There’s a dinner on Monday night, the day they arrive, after they’re all settled into the hotel, that’s kind of like a pep rally, except it’s not just for their high school, it’s for all of the teams from all fifty states. She can see awe reflected in the eyes of all her teammates, and for once, she gets it. Nat has always been mature for her age, has been unimpressed while other kids her age are completely dazzled, but this, this mesh of so many people, so many teenagers from across the whole country, her shitty homelife hasn’t managed to ruin this for her.

They also get their schedules, which say that their game tomorrow is at two pm sharp, when they will be playing the Bulldogs from Delaware. 

The opening ceremony ends at nine o’clock sharp, and Lottie, Tai, Van, and Nat all march back to 411 and take turns wiping the yellowjackets facepaint off and using the shower. Lottie walks out of the bathroom after her shower while Nat’s unpacking, hanging her suit up in the closet (still the only piece of good formal wear she owns, for the awards ceremony on the last day), and she’s just getting to the bottom of her bag and realizing that her sweatshirt isn’t just stuffed at the very bottom like she’d assumed it was when she first lost it.

Lottie walks past her towards their shared bed (a monstrosity of its own) and as Nat watches her go, everything clicks. She sucks in a breath so hard that Lottie pauses and turns to look back at Natalie, arching an eyebrow. Her movement gives Van and Tai, both lying in bed, reading and scrolling on their phones, a wonderful view of her back. Van starts laughing and Tai’s mouth drops open into an amused smile.

Lottie frowns. “What?”

Nat points at her hoodie. “That… um. Where’d you get that?”

“What, this?” Lottie looks down at her Yellowjackets hoodie. “It’s mine, I brought it from home. Used it as a blanket on the plane.”

Natalie sounds fucking constipated. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course I’m–” Lottie unzips her bag and pulls out another Yellowjackets hoodie. She frowns, looking thoroughly confused. “... Whose sweatshirt am I wearing?”

“Mine.” Nat raises her hand bashfully. “I… I draped it over you when you fell asleep, I didn’t realize, I would have…”

“God, I’m so sorry.” Lottie quickly tears off the hoodie, tossing it to Nat and pulling the correct hoodie over her shoulders.

“It’s fine,” Nat says, and she means it, really, she’s just glad she got her hoodie back. It is fine, it was an accident. She’s still reeling, though, and she’s pretty sure that the image of Lottie strutting out of the bathroom with ‘Scatorccio 7’ emblazoned on her back will be burned into her memory until the day she dies.

She stuffs the hoodie into her assigned drawer and tries to forget about it.

Now, the beds. There were two of them, and they were plenty big enough to share, but when one was rooming with Van and Tai, it was a given that Van and Tai would be sharing a bed, no matter the size. Neither Lottie or Nat had even attempted to argue with this, it was simply how the Yellowjackets worked. 

However, that meant that Lottie and Nat had to share a bed. A month ago, hell, three weeks ago, that would have been fine. More than fine, even, Nat probably would have been happy to share a bed with Lottie over anyone else. Now? When they’ve been flaming and smoking on and off for weeks? Now Natalie would rather be sharing with literally anyone else. She couldn’t control herself just sitting in the same car as Lottie two weeks ago. What the hell is she going to do now, no less attracted to Lottie–more, if anything–and having to share a bed with her?

Nat is not looking forward to it. In fact, it would be accurate to say that she is dreading it.

The dread builds, she takes the last turn in the shower, scraping by on the hotel products because she didn’t think to pack her own. She emerges from the bathroom and finds Tai and Van asleep, curled together. She shakes her head as she passes them, putting her worn clothes into her drawer.

“They’re so gross,” Lottie says, wrinkling her nose at the sleeping girls, sitting cross-legged on the remaining bed.

“Yeah. That’s pretty much synonymous with ‘Tai and Van’.”

Lottie tilts her head at Nat. “People don’t realize how smart you are. ‘Synonymous’?”

Heat tinges her cheeks as she turns back to her drawer. “I just remembered, actually, I still have one of your airpods from earlier.”

Lottie smirks as Nat hands her the airpod, putting it back in the case. Their fingers brush as Nat passes it over, and the tingling sensation travels up her arm and down her body.

“Way to evade the compliment, Scatorccio.”

“It’s the one thing I’m willing to admit I’m good at.”

Lottie laughs, softly but genuinely.

Nat’s heart aches. It aches all the time, for this, for Lottie. For the little things, for the shitty banter like this, just to be near her. To make her smile, make her laugh.

Natalie smiles, for no reason other than Lottie’s laughing.

“Okay.” Lottie looks down, composing herself. “We gotta do something about this bed.”

Nat scratches the back of her neck. “Uh, yeah, I was thinking about that, too.”

Lottie nods, slowly, like she’s thinking, then faster, like she’s getting an idea.

“I can sleep on the floor.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Alright, then. What’s your grand idea?”

Nat bites her lip. “I can sleep on the floor?”

Lottie levels her gaze with Nat. “Not happening.” She chews on her cheek. Arches an eyebrow. “How many pillows do you sleep with?”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“Just… answer the question.” She’s acting annoyed, but Lottie’s smiling.

“I dunno. One, I guess.” She has two pillows on her bed at home, but Natalie can sleep in almost any conditions, and the hotel pillows are so fluffy that they’re basically equal to two of her pillows at home. “Lottie, I really don’t mind sleeping on the floor, it’s not like I haven’t done it before.”

On the nights when her parents were fighting, it was not infrequent for Natalie to spend the night on the floor.

“I know,” Lottie says, frowning. “Natalie, that’s exactly why I’m not going to let you sleep on the floor.”

How could she ever have avoided falling in love with Lottie? When she’s so gentle, so thoughtful. It was inevitable, really. Only a matter of time. 

Nat blows out her breath. “Okay. What’s your grand pillow scheme?”

Lottie grins. “I’m glad you asked.” She picks up one of the pillows behind her and lays it hot-dog style down the center of the bed. 

Ah.

Nat picks up one of her own pillows and sets it down along the line down the center of the bed Lottie started making with her pillow.

“Split it in two?”

“Yeah. That way we can’t cross the line.”

“Uh-huh. Our sleeping bodies are going to be really obedient about staying within the boundaries.”

She flushes. “Shut up. Do you have a better idea?”

“The floor is carpeted, it looks kinda comfy.”

“Get in the fucking bed, Natalie.”

Natalie gets in the fucking bed. Only, she hadn’t thought about how she would feel with a fluffy pillow right next to her head and a very vulnerable girl sitting right next to her.

Really, Lottie should have seen it coming.

But she doesn’t, and Natalie’s attack with the pillow is well-timed and devastating. She winds up and hits Lottie right in the chest and face, her squawking in surprise into the pillow. 

“You’re gonna regret that,” she says, reaching for the other pillow, but Nat anticipated that, too, and she swipes the other pillow before Lottie has the chance. She holds them over her head, but Lottie’s taller, so she stands up on the bed and extends her arms all the way up. Lottie stands without hesitation, swinging her arms and reaching for the pillows. 

It takes thirty-seconds of silent swiping and swinging the pillows around, but Lottie gets a good hard hit and sends one of the pillows in Nat’s hands flying away from their bed. It hits the wall, hits a hanging picture, which swings back and forth, but doesn’t fall. 

Natalie can’t help it. The scene, the pressure of being quiet, the look on Lottie’s face as the pillow goes flying, it sends her over the edge. She starts laughing, and not quietly.

Van groans, and shifts in bed.

“Shh!” Lottie holds a finger over her lips, but Nat keeps laughing. “Shut up,” Lottie hisses, putting a hand over Nat’s mouth.

That shuts her up rapidly, and she stops laughing immediately. Van sighs and stays asleep, but Nat goes cross-eyed staring at Lottie’s hand on her mouth, on her lips.  Lottie looks at her hand and has the audacity to look surprised, like she hadn’t realized she was touching Natalie’s mouth and she drops it to her side, whispering “Sorry.”

They stand there, Nat putting the pillow that hasn’t been flung across the room back down between them.

“Go get that,” she whispers, nudging Nat with a finger.

“What?”

“Go get it,” she hisses, nodding at the fallen pillow.

“You fucking exhaust me, you know that?”

Natalie goes and gets the pillow.

She lays it down between them, and gets back in bed. She’s on the side of the bed that’s closer to the other bed and the nightstand, so she’s the one who turns out the lamp, plunging them into darkness.

“Goodnight, Lottie.”

She can still feel where Lottie pressed her hand to Nat’s face, the mark so strong that it must be lighting up in the dark.

She feels the mattress move as Lottie shifts.

“Goodnight, Nat.”

Fuck, this is going to be a long night.

.

“Nat.” Something pokes her arm. “Nat, wake up.”

She grunts, squinting her eyes open. It’s still dark behind the curtains. She looks at the clock on the bedside table. 4:24. So why is she awake?

“I’m sorry, I have to pee.”

She turns back to the bed, back to Lottie. Oh, shit. They broke through the pillow barrier while they slept, and are hopelessly tangled together. No wonder she’d been sleeping so well. She always did sleep best at Lottie’s.

Still, heat flushes her cheeks.

“Shit, sorry,” she whispers, retracting her body to her side of the bed.

“It’s fine,” Lottie whispers, getting out of bed. “I mean… you know. Not like you did it on purpose.”

She goes to the bathroom. Nat fixes the pillow barrier and goes to sleep, intentionally turning to sleep on her other side in the hopes that it will prevent her from rolling into Lottie while she sleeps. Not that she’s succeeded in denying her subconscious of what it wants before, but nobody can say she isn’t trying.

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

9:38 am

nat
Attached image
lesbians.

akilah
good morning moms!!!!

Laura Lee
Awww. Cuties.

mari
jackie and shauna too lmao
hold on
Attached image
going on the 5th time they’ve snoozed the alarm

lottie
hahahaha
everyone get up whenever you want so long as you are ready to be leaving at 10:30 to get the bus to the field!! our game is not until 2:00 but we are having a practice starting at 11:00. the practice is not, i repeat, IS NOT at the field we will be playing on because it is currently being used for different games, but we’ll be at an indoor field on the same facility grounds we’ll just have to walk a lil to the field where we will actually be playing

mari
yes mom

van
aww babe look how cute we are

Tai
Aww.

jackie
awww babe!

shauna
babyyyy

mari
END THE BABE CHAIN

nat
HAPPY COUPLES BEGONE

jackie
awwww look at us

nat
SSSSHH

akilah
look at my moms go!!!

mari
moms
why did you get divorced again

lottie
WELL.
hows that room service sound right about now?

mari
ooh good
i want waffles

.

The first game isn’t all that bad, really. Sure, it’s intense, but Nat never gets a feeling like, ‘ now she’s at nationals’, like it gets harder. It’s just a regular soccer game. They win it, too, 3-1, eliminating the Delaware Bulldogs from the national championship. The New Jersey Yellowjackets are now officially one of the 25 teams that make it past the first day of nationals and into the quarterfinals.

They won’t find out about their schedule for tomorrow until all of the games have finished, which is eleven at night, which feels fucking ridiculous, but they have the schedule laid out so that five games happen in a day on each of the five fields, the last one starting at eight pm and ending at approximately eleven pm. After all of the games are finished, they’ll be able to determine which teams are still in the competition, and from there, they’ll determine the schedule for tomorrow. 

So far, the soccer playing at nationals hasn’t been as hard as Nat expected. It’s just more games, like it was back home. Which sounds stupid, because of course it’s just games, that’s how soccer works, but she expected to feel like all of the other teams at nationals were much better than the Yellowjackets. She wasn’t expecting the skill level of her team to be apparently at a somewhat average level for a team playing at nationals.

Far stranger to Natalie than the actual game, has been the announcers. It’s actual people. Fully grown adults who have been practicing announcing and have had to ask Natalie half a million times the proper pronunciation of ‘Scatorccio’. Weirder than hearing her name over the speakers whenever she has possession of the ball is the information the announcers start dropping when she has possession for long enough for them to make conversation out of it. They start talking about how she’s a senior at Wiskayok High in New Jersey, a ‘strong’ striker on a state champion girls soccer team, how she scored the winning goal that sent them to nationals… it makes sense that they would have access to their records, but she wasn’t expecting it. 

Plus, there’s actual people showing up to watch them play. Nat knows it’s not like people are there just to watch her, Natalie Scatorccio, but locals of Portland are genuinely excited that the girls national soccer championships are taking place in their town, and they’re coming out to watch the games. One of their three goals in the game against the Bulldogs is Nat’s, and the crowd fucking cheers. For her. There’s kids in the stands, she can see them, bundled in coats with hats and pink cheeks, and they’re jumping up and down and clapping. For Natalie.

Lottie scores one of their goals, too, and Nat watches, she fucking watches as Lottie kicks the ball, gets it in the net, and whirls around straight to Laura Lee, who, granted had assisted, but fuck if it doesn’t hurt. 

Taissa scores their third goal, assisted by Natalie, and it’s right at the end of the game, so Tai books it to the other end of the field while Van sprints out of the goal and they kiss right at the middle of the field, and Nat tries so hard to be happy while one of the announcers proudly announces that ‘Center midfielder Taissa Turner and goalie Van Palmer have been dating since their sophomore year’, but she can see Laura Lee and Lottie hugging in her peripheral vision, and just a month ago, that would have been her.

After the game, they’re in a hurry to get changed and get out, so they can go back to the hotel and so that the team that plays at 5:00 can get into the locker room. Nat peels off her sweaty jersey and yanks on the practice shirt that she wore to the stadium in the morning, even though that’s sweaty, too. It’s all she has, and she needs a shower, anyway.

“Nat? Can I talk to you?” Lottie. Shifting from one foot to the other. Guilt . Nat clocks the usual cues Lottie’s giving her without even thinking about it, and she could be wrong about what it is, but she starts feeling worried anyway. What happened? What has Lottie done in the past few hours that she’s feeling guilty about?”

Nat opens her mouth to reply, when there’s a knock at the door.

“Scatorccio! It’s Coach Scott. Get dressed and get out here.”

Nat shrugs in apology at Lottie, dumping her jersey in the laundry bag and hurrying out into the hallway.

“Hey,” she says, shrugging on her backpack. Coach Scott is standing in the hallway, smiling at her. “You needed me?”

“Yeah.” He suppresses his grin but it quickly resurfaces. “Er. I don’t have an office, do you mind stepping into the boy’s locker room with me?”

If she didn’t stand by her previous statement that she’s absolutely positive that Coach Scott is gay, she would be totally creeped out right now. It is a girls tournament, though, it’s not like there’s a use for boys locker rooms right now.

She shrugs. “Sure.”

They step into the boy’s locker room, which, somehow, empty and undoubtedly cleaner than the girls locker room after a day of intense use, smells worse than the girls locker room.

“So, Natalie. Normally, this kind of thing is Coach Martinez’s job, but he’s schmoozing with the other head Coaches right now, and, I’m not going to lie to you, I asked him if I could do this.”

“Do what?”

Coach Scott smiles again, weird and wide. “Tell you that, Natalie… the committee, the head officials at the high school soccer championship… they want to give you a scholarship.”

For the second time in three weeks, Nat’s world falls out from underneath her. No fucking way. No fucking way.

“I need to sit down,” she whispers, stumbling to the nearby bench.

Coach Scott nods, still smiling. “They want to give you a scholarship. And Natalie… it’s a big one.”

She feels light-headed.

“How much?”

Coach Scott crouches down, looking her in the eyes. “$100,000.”

“What?”

“They’re impressed by your ability and drive.”

She can’t even form words, can’t even think. What the fuck? What the fuck?

“A scholarship?”

“$100,000.”

“Stop saying that number. Please.” 

She holds her head in her hands. This isn’t happening. This cannot be happening. Six fucking figures.

“How did they even… we’ve only even played one game, so far.”

Coach Scott laughs. “I don’t really know how they pick it, Natalie. They have our game records, your stats, they’ve seen videos of you playing.”

“But… it doesn’t make sense.”

“What, you don’t want that kind of money?”

She shakes her head, still in disbelief. “They want drive? Why not pick Tai?”

“I don’t know.”

“And ability? Shit, if they wanted a striker, they could have picked Lottie.”

Coach Scott kindly doesn’t call her out on her inappropriate language.

“I don’t know why they picked you over any other kid out of the hundreds of kids here, but, Natalie, don’t tell the others, but I’m glad they picked you.” He stands back up and leaves Natalie to her space, to her mind-numbing shock. “They wanted you to know it was coming, they’ll announce it on Saturday after the final game during the awards ceremony.”

They wanted her to know it was coming. Thank fucking god. She would have been reacting like this, losing her fucking shit in that fucking suit that she wore to prom last year.

“Oh, one more thing. Please keep this private. I know you’re not the type, but they don’t want kids going around bragging about being scholarship recipients before the ceremony.”

Natalie cannot even fathom speaking a word of this willingly to anyone, much less bragging about it. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Coach Scott claps a hand on her back. “Great. Thanks, Natalie. We should head to the bus now, we don’t want to hold up the team.”

Right. The team. Lottie. Lottie wanted to talk.

If Nat talks to Lottie right now she’s absolutely positive that her head is going to fall right off of her shoulders. She can’t do this right now. 

Coach Scott walks out of the boys locker room, leaving her alone.

After what feels like an eternity, and in reality has been thirty seconds max, Nat staggers to her feet and walks blankly to the door. 

Lottie’s standing outside, still shifting back and forth between her feet.

She fucking waited for Natalie.

She sighs and pushes through the doors, doing her best to act normal.

“Hey, Nat–woah. Are you okay?”

“Fine,” she says, pulling on her backpack straps, still walking. She only trips once.

“Okay. Um, can we talk now?”

“You know what, Lottie? I’d actually like to wait, if that’s okay with you.”

She can see the doors not far ahead, can make out Van’s red hair outside.

“Um. Okay. But Nat–”

She reaches the door and waves a dismissive hand. She needs to get on the fucking bus and she needs fifteen fucking minutes to sit and absorb.

“Later.”

Outside, she tries to make a beeline for Van and Tai, where she knows she’ll be able to have company and not engage. She’s intercepted by Mari, flashing her a room key reading ‘411’.

“Hey, Roomie,” she says, grinning, and normally Nat doesn’t mind Mari, kind of likes her, sometimes, but not right now . And what the fuck?

“I tried to tell you.” From behind her. Lottie. With Laura Lee hurrying over.

Of course.

Of fucking course.

Lottie couldn’t handle lying in the bed that she fucking made, so she fucking chickened out and swapped rooms. All so she wouldn’t have to share a bed with Nat.

It’s too much. It’s all too much.

Lottie can see that it’s all too much, frowns, clearly recognizing that Nat is on the verge of a meltdown, worrying that what had seemed like a small decision for her has made such a huge impact on Nat.

They’re pushing money at me, she wants to scream, she wants to cry into Lottie’s arms, but she’s afraid, right now, that Lottie would push her away.

“I can’t do this,” she says instead, and she’s the first person onto the bus. She can feel Lottie’s eyes on her all the way back to the hotel, and she wished she could say that she doesn’t care.

She hides for the rest of the day, from Mari, from the rest of the team, from Lottie and her new shadow Laura Lee, from fucking everyone. She tries to hide from her thoughts, but it doesn’t work.

Mari’s not a bad person to share a bed with. She’s been asleep since ten-thirty, and she hasn’t snored or moved an inch in an hour and a half. Nat knows, because she’s been laying in bed since nine, and she hasn’t slept a wink. She knows that Lottie’s sitting down in the lobby with Coach Martinez and Coach Scott working out their strategy for tomorrow based on whatever their schedule is. It’s midnight and the last games ended at eleven, surely they must know something by now. 

Laura Lee’s probably there. Lottie’s new bunkmate, or whatever they are to each other .

It’s not fair, she knows it’s not fair, Lottie’s allowed to have friends, she’s allowed to seek consolation, hell, she’s allowed to get a lover if that’s what she’s into, she and Lottie aren’t anything, but God it fucking hurts. She wants to be the consoler, she wants desperately to be sitting downstairs in the lobby, cradling a sleepy Lottie in her lap while she talks strategy. She wants to be the lover, the girlfriend.

She picks up her phone for the fifth time in as many minutes.

This time, she actually has a new message. Sent only seconds ago, from Lottie.

thought you might want to know

And a screenshot. Lots of text, lots of important, official information. But Lottie, perfect, sweet, wonderful Lottie has highlighted the important stuff for Natalie.

‘NJ Yellowjackets one of top five teams to score 3 or more goals in their preliminary game and will not have to play in the first two time slots on December 6th.’

So they made it. They really made it. Into the top fucking five, too. They’ve been put into new divisions, each made up of five different teams. The other four teams will battle it out in the morning for who gets the privilege to play the New Jersey Yellowjackets, and after all three remaining teams have played, the one with the most wins or goals moves on to the semifinals.

They don’t have to play until two in the afternoon. Thank fucking god.

She texts Lottie ‘thanks’ because she’s still a little mad, but she is grateful. 

$100,000.

What the fuck is she going to do?

.

STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

12:19 am

lottie
congratulations yellowjackets!!! we are one of the top five scoring teams and as such we do not have any games tomorrow (today) until 2:00 pm!!! we will still be leaving at 10:30 am sharp to be practicing, as we will have to play not one, but two games today. if we win the most, or score the most, we will move on to the semifinals. congratulations, quarterfinalists!!!!! get some sleep

6:31 am

van
oh thank god
going back to bed
gn

jackie
WOOOOOOO!!!!!

jackie renamed STATE EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets to NATIONAL EFFING QUARTERFINALISTS mother effing yellowjackets

jackie
k im also going back to bed
hugs and kisses to everyone
zzzzzzz

Chapter Text

NATIONAL EFFING QUARTERFINALISTS mother effing yellowjackets

10:15 am

nat
GUYS GUYS GUYS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOG
DOG IN THE LOBBY

van
STOP
UR KIDDING

nat
NO
DOG IN THE HOTEL LOBBY
Attached image

Laura Lee
Oh!!!! You both are so cute.
I love dogs.

jackie
WHERE IN THE LOBBY
WE’RE COMING RN

nat
by the bar
get here NOW

van
elevator is too slow, sprinting the stairs

nat
dogs owner didnt know who we were but they’re here for soccer i have officially converted them into yellowjackets fans

van
DOG!!!!!
Attached image

jackie
omg guys we should all take selfies with the dog and have matching pfps

nat
i am game but you are going to have to pry julien baker out of lottie’s pfp’s cold dead hands

van
lmaooo
the dogs name is natasha but they call her nat for short 🥺🥺🥺🥺
Attached image
name twinsssss

shauna
Attached image
she looovvvees dogs

.

She sits with Tai, Van, and Mari in the lobby for breakfast, gorging herself on shitty pastries and waffles. Lottie sits at a nearby table with Laura Lee, and she can only see Lottie when she turns her head and looks back, but she can feel eyes on her all the time, and she can only wonder what she’s done to get Lottie’s attention this time.

Their first game of the day is at two, but, like yesterday, Coach Martinez wants them warmed up and ready to go, so they leave the hotel at 10:30 and are running laps around the indoor field by 11:00.

Nat likes running. She didn’t, at first, when she started taking soccer seriously and actually showed up to practice. It’s exhausting, it hurts, she always gets a fucking cramp, but it’s numbing. That sensation in particular has grown on her.

She doesn’t have to think when she’s running. She isn’t plagued by thoughts of Lottie, and, now a hundred fucking thousand dollars. 

Natalie has never lived the kind of life where she doesn’t have to worry about money. She knows that’s one regard in which her and Lottie are very different, though Lottie tries to be self-aware, sometimes it just fucking sucks. Lottie admitted that she stole shitty clothes from TJMaxx for the thrill, because it excited her. Natalie steals shitty clothes, too, because if she doesn’t she won’t have anything to wear. She has lived in the trailer in Wiskayok for her entire life, has never had the money for air conditioning in the summer, has never been to summer camp, hell, she’d never been on a fucking airplane until two days ago.

She fucking knows that Lottie’s dad is paying for her trip to nationals. They didn’t even talk about it, but Lottie never asked Natalie about payment, she fucking knew. She’s been in Natalie’s room, seen her ratty fucking blankets, the sagging ceilings, the peeling paint.

Lottie’s seen all of Natalie, all her cracks, her peeling paint, and she still fucking swapped rooms with Mari. Ran because she was scared she’d wake up in the morning spooning with Natalie. Like there isn’t a worse fate.

$100,000. Jesus.

And what would that kind of money be to Lottie? A shopping trip? A week's worth of spending money? A fun day out?

Shit. She needs to stop thinking like this.

Lottie wins the coin toss for their first game at two, because of fucking course she does, and it must be an omen, because they win four to fucking zero. Hell, Jackie scores a fucking goal. Jackie plays fucking defense, but she fucking scores.

Their first game is versus the Florida Gators, and afterwards, they’ll play the Vipers from Arizona. Then the Gators will play the Vipers, and the team with the most wins or goals will move forward. This puts the Yellowjackets in a good starting position, with four goals for any other team to beat.

Still, anxiety pools in Nat’s gut as the whistle blows at the start of their second game.

They start out pretty strong. Laura Lee gets a good run down the field and she passes to Nat instead of Lottie, and she knows it’s stupid but she feels smug about it. The ball bounces back and forth between the Vipers and the Yellowjackets right by their goalie, but Nat manages to knock it with her head during a high kick and gets the ball in the net, making the score 1-0 in favor of the Yellowjackets.

They fight hard, but they don’t manage to get another goal in the first half. They manage to keep the Vipers from scoring, though, having on point on the scoreboard they trudge to the locker room.

They have a one point lead going into the second half, but they’re tired. They’re on their second game of the day with barely twenty-five minutes in between, and it’s showing on all of them. The Vipers are playing their second game of the day, too, though, even if they had a three hour break in between, and they have another game after this.

Ten minutes pass, then twenty, and it looks like the second half is going to turn out to be relatively uneventful. 

Then they get a run. 

It starts with Shauna, because Shauna is a fucking beast, and she gets halfway down the field before she’s cornered and passes the ball to Tai. Tai passes to Nat, and she runs down the field, dodging Vipers and watching Lottie in the corner of her eye for a potential pass. It’s only because of that that she sees when the Viper blocking Lottie sticks her foot out, that she sees Lottie go tumbling onto the grass.

Fuck.

Not again.

She’s at Lottie’s side in an instant, but she’s already getting up, cursing and glaring at Nat.

“Natalie. What have I told you about not playing until the whistle?”

“Sorry,” she stammers, speaking out of shock instead of honesty. Lottie storms past her.

At least this time the Vipers didn’t score because Nat fumbled the ball when Lottie got fouled.

Coach Martinez is furious again, benching Natalie and putting in Akilah. She gets it. At least she gets to catch her breath and hydrate. At least Misty obeys her glare and backs off.

Sometimes Natalie doesn’t like being a striker. When the ball is bouncing all around their defense, and she can’t really do anything except stand there and hope that she gets to kick the ball in the net soon. Sometimes she thinks that offense is the easiest role to play in soccer, even though it’s the one that gets the most hype. Like, she just receives the ball and nudges it behind the goalie. She doesn’t really have to fight for possession, block any strikers, keep the ball out of the net. It’s not very complex, being a striker. Then again, she supposes, being a goalie is pretty similar, only the goal is the complete opposite, to keep the ball out.

The play immediately following Nat being subbed out, Van forgets her goal, and the Vipers score.

1-1. 

Fuck.

She can see frustration bubbling in her teammates. Can see Shauna’s shoulders sagging, Van kicking herself for letting the ball in, Taissa hurting because Van’s kicking herself, Lottie kicking herself because her team is struggling. Jackie trying to hype them up but not being convincing because she’s also kicking herself for letting that striker get past her.

Not like it’s any of their faults individually. They’re failing as a team, and Nat knows it’s because of her. They keep glancing at her, with emotions varying from pity to anger, and she knows she deserves it all. When she throws off her game, she throws off the entire team's game. She needs to stop playing for Lottie and start playing for the team.

Factually, it’s easy.

In reality? Nat doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to ignore seeing Lottie fall to the ground. She’ll never be able to see that girl get tripped and not go straight to her.

She is sort of glad that she’s been subbed out, though, because Akilah is good, and she deserves the playtime. She’s adjusting well, finding a place, a rhythm in their symphony. It’s not exactly the same as Nat’s, but that’s for the better.

Akilah’s good , but she’s not a fucking miracle-worker, and they’re still tied at forty minutes into the second half, with only five minutes left.

If she’s being honest, Natalie doesn’t really catch what happens. What must be half the players on the field are all standing right by the Viper’s goal, at this point she’s relying more on the announcers to understand what’s happening than she is her team.

She can just see the masses, the crowding bodies, the pulsing as people move in and out. Their goalie is doing really well, honestly, because with so much play happening so close to them, the ball must be bouncing past their face every five seconds. They finally widen the field, get people to spread out, and Nat can start making out her teammates faces again.

She doesn’t understand what’s happening, but she sees it clear as day as one of the Vipers on defense kicks the ball back to the goalie, and the goalie doesn’t see it, just loses it for a split second, and when she gets back and realizes her mistake, the ball is too far gone. She dives and touches the ball with the very pads of her fingertips, but it’s too late. The ball rolls into the net.

Own goal.

No fucking way.

There are three minutes left in the game when they reset after the own goal, which is actually decent time in soccer. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to make a game-changing play.

Today, the only game-changing play that happens is the Yellowjackets don’t let another ball in their net before the final whistle blows. 2-1 for the Yellowjackets; the second point coming from an own goal, of all things. Nat’s grateful that they didn’t go into overtime, that they didn’t have to resort to sudden death, but seriously? An own goal being the thing that leads them to victory? They shouldn’t be relying on their opponents to hand them a win, least of all at fucking nationals.

On the other hand.

Natalie’s started to do the math, and she can see her teammates doing it, too, pausing in chugging their water, watching the way the Vipers seem particularly defeated as they walk off to their locker room.

“Now, remember, with how our playing field is operating today, this was the second and final game of the day for the New Jersey Yellowjackets, earlier today they beat the Florida Gators four to zero. The Gators and the Vipers will be playing next in just a few minutes, but the Yellowjackets just won this game, and they won this afternoon, meaning no matter the outcome of this third game, the Yellowjackets are moving on to the semifinals.”

Thank fucking god for these announcers.

They look at each other, all excited because they get to move on, anxious because they almost didn't win, and nervous about what's to come.

“Yellowjackets.” Lottie’s voice is strong, commanding. Nat snaps to attention. Lottie holds out her arms, and they huddle up without question.

“This is good,” Lottie says. “Our odds are good. I don’t want anybody beating themselves up, we played our best, we won both our games, that’s good. We’ve done our part, now they need to do theirs. However. We don’t want to rely on luck or the other team fumbling to make our wins. We want to earn our own victories. If we make it through to the semifinals, I want everyone’s complete focus. No distractions.”

Natalie can feel eyes on her as Lottie talks, can feel shame burning on her face. 

Fuck this.

She doesn’t try to be conspicuous, doesn’t really care who sees her break out of the huddle early and run to the locker room. All she knows is nobody follows her, and she’s glad for the chance to fucking breathe. 

She takes her time for once getting changed. Not feeling the slightest bit self conscious as the only in in the room as she changes out of her sweaty sports bra and changes into a clean bra, snapping it closed at the back and pulling her Yellowjackets hoodie over her head just as she hears the clicking of cleats on concrete and the sound of her teammates talking and laughing.

Lottie enters first, looking determined. She walks in, walks right past her bag, snags Nat’s wrist, and drags her out the door before she even has the chance to say, “What the fuck?”

They have a staring contest in the hallway. Natalie blinks first, and she sags, head lolling back on her shoulders.

“What happened out there?” Lottie asks earnestly. “You really can’t stop playing before you hear the whistle, Nat, you know what happened last time.”

“What happened last time is you almost broke your fucking nose.”

“The other last time.”

When she lost the ball staring at Lottie.

“You were staring first.”

Lottie sighs. “I’m not doing this with you. What happened? Today.”

“That Viper tripped you, you fell, I was worried. I forgot about the game, I was thinking about you.

“Okay. Thank you for your honesty.” Lottie nods. “Well, let’s get to the bottom of this. Why were you thinking about me?”

Nat looks down at her hands. “Do you want the real answer to that question?”

“Of course I do.”

“I’m always thinking about you.”

Pain overtakes Lottie’s face. “Nat, don’t talk like that.”

“Lottie… can we maybe talk about not-soccer?”

Lottie opens and closes her mouth, face draining.

Coach Martinez rounds the corner, cupping a hand around his mouth. “Matthews–Oh. Matthews. You’re right here. And Scatorccio, you are too. Perfect.”

Lottie frowns. “Coach, is Nat in trouble?”

Nat can’t help but smirk. It’s not an unreasonable assumption, but she suspects this might be about the other thing. The six figure number.

Coach Martinez smiles. “No, Scatorccio isn’t in trouble.” He turns to Nat. “Coach Scott already told you?”

“Yes, Coach.”

“Right. Well, it’s customary for team captains to be informed ahead of time in addition to the players themselves, is that alright with you?”

Natalie looks down at her cleats. “Yes, Coach.”

“Sorry. What is happening right now?”

“Natalie has been awarded a scholarship of $100,000 by the nationals league officials,” Coach Martinez says, casually, as if he were reciting his coffee order.

Lottie’s jaw drops. Tears well up in her eyes right away. “Seriously? Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, my God.” Lottie turns to Nat, tears running down her cheeks as she beams. “Natalie.”

“That’s all, Matthews,” Coach Martinez says, turning and heading back down the hallway. “I’ll leave you to chat.”

“Nat. Really?” Lottie wraps her hands around Nat’s wrists. Nat nods bashfully. “Oh, my God. How long have you known?”

“Coach Scott told me yesterday. Right before…”

“Right before we got on the bus. Fuck, Nat, I’m sorry.” The guilty look on her face dissolves as the excitement sets back in, and she throws herself at Nat, wrapping her arms around her tightly. “Oh, my God. I’m so fucking proud of you, you’ve worked so hard.”

“I don’t understand why they chose me,” Nat whispers, finally able to confess it to someone she knows will understand at least a little bit.

Lottie ends their hug to hold Nat by the elbows, their faces close together. “Oh, Nat.” She wipes away Nat’s tears with her thumb. “I can’t think of anyone more worthy.”

She can feel her lower lip trembling, can feel the dam breaking. She only barely manages to whimper, “Lottie,” before the last of her facade crumbles away and the tears start to come, hot and thick, pouring down her face.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Lottie holds Nat up when her feet can’t do the job anymore, crouching and setting Nat down on the floor in a seated position. “You are amazing, and you deserve this, okay?”

“No.” It’s all she can think, all she can come up with, just the same fucking mantra that she’s had running through her head her whole life. Natalie Scatorccio, high school dropout, addict, trailer trash, burnout. All she’s ever been and all she ever would be.

“Hey. Look at me.” Nat can’t, so Lottie puts her hand underneath Nat’s chin and forces her. “You are not your parents. They fucking suck, and you are so much better than them. You’ve been trying so hard, you fucking deserve this and so much more, Nat.”

She’s crying. Hard, gut wrenching sobs, and she can tell that she’s making Lottie cry with how hard she’s crying, but she doesn’t have it in her right now to care. She can’t even find the words, there is no logic to express how she knows that Lottie is wrong, she just knows. That’s just how the world works, how Natalie’s world always has.

“A hundred thousand dollars, that’s pretty good money. Where do you think you’ll apply? I mean, any school would be stupid not to take you, not if they could get you on their soccer team.”

“I don’t know,” she gasps between sobs. She means it. She’s only thought a little bit about community college, just ways to spend time after high school. Because she hadn’t imagined she would ever get to the end of high school, she couldn’t make it far after that, she hadn’t wanted to start thinking about real college. Four-year degrees, the life afterwards that they implied. She'd spend the rest of her life paying off student loans, anyway. There's never been a point in fooling herself and dreaming.

“That’s okay, you don’t have to know. I want to apply to UCLA. They have a good D1 soccer program and it’s far away from Wiskayok. Do you want to apply with me?”

Natalie sniffles. “I want to get the fuck out of New Jersey.”

Lottie laughs wetly through her tears. “Yeah, that sounds good. We can work on that when we get home, okay?”

Nat nods, even though it doesn’t sound real. She shouldn’t even bother applying, she’d just get rejected, anyway.

“Okay, good. You are incredible, Natalie Scatorccio.”

Again, she shakes her head.

“Why not?” Lottie asks, voice hardening. “Why is it so hard for you to believe that you are an ethereal being, and you deserve every good thing that’s going to happen to you moving forward?”

“I was just a kid,” she splutters through her sobs. “How could they do that to a kid if I didn’t deserve it?”

Lottie cries harder. “I don’t know, Natalie, but I can promise you this, you didn’t fucking deserve it. You deserve air conditioning in the summer, and heating in the winter, and you deserve soft blankets and fluffy pillows and nice clothes that you don’t have to shoplift, and you deserve nice lunches with notes that embarrass you because of how sappy they are. You are worthy of love, and you have been deprived of it for far too long.”

Natalie rips into fresh sobs, and Lottie holds her close, holds her head against her shoulder, and it feels fucking good. Her words are soft, despite how rough her voice sounds saying them, and Nat, for once, wants to believe them. She wants to accept the gentle warmth, the softness, the love. She isn't a high school drop out. Not yet, and she's half-way through her senior year. She's made it really fucking far. And she's been sober for two weeks, and over a year before that. She isn't a fucking burnout, she isn't trailer trash. She is better than her parents.

Lottie lifts Nat into her lap as she cries, pushes her hair away from her face, looks down at her red eyes with her earnest, loving brown.

“Okay?”

She wants to say yes. Let go of the weight of her scars and start rebuilding. Fill in the cracks in the walls, let it dry and give it a fresh coat of paint. She believes it. She won't get better overnight. Won't agree and suddenly be free of all her memories, her trauma. But it isn't nothing. She's ready to start moving the haunted boxes out of the attic and reorganize.

“Okay.” She nods, and they both cry and hold onto each other in that hallway in Portland, Oregon at motherfucking nationals.

Lottie walks her out to the bus, and she can feel Van and Tai looking at her, can distantly hear Jackie asking if she wants a piece of gum, the way they secretly asked if the other was alright. For once, Nat actually means it when she says she doesn’t need any gum.

Lottie steers her onto the bus, puts her in a window seat and sits at her side the whole way back to the hotel, and Natalie feels protected and warm.

Van, Tai, and Mari hug her tightly in room 411, and she can feel them all looking at her, but they have the decency to not push and ask questions, they just make quiet conversation and let Nat talk whenever she has anything to say, listening at rapt attention and responding with their own words. Mari offers her a bite of the cake she orders from room service, and Natalie thinks, sitting in that hotel room with her friends, that maybe the love has been there the whole time and she just hasn’t wanted to see it.

It feels nice.

She’s glad she’s seeing it now.

.

NATIONAL EFFING SEMIFINALISTS mother effing yellowjackets 

9:13 pm

shauna
guys.
have you looked at your instagrams recently

mari
??
why
oh SHIT

shauna
OK SO IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHOSE FOLLOWER COUNT IS GOING UP LIKE CRAZY???

mari
NO

van
you think that’s bad? i found a tweet of an edit someone made of me and tai

shauna
NO YOU DIDNT
NO WAY
LINK OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN

van
https:// /LOOKATTHESESOCCERLESBIA...

akilah
big day for my moms i’m so proud

Tai
It’s weird.

jackie
yea they found out me and shauna are dating from our profiles
which is fine im proud of my gf but its weird like why do they know that why do they care

akilah
ooooh that IS weird
glad im single tbh cause at least they cant be googling my partner

nat
jackie i found a tweet of someone thirsting over shauna

shauna
huh???

jackie
WHERE 🤺🤺🤺
THAT’S MY GF FUCK THEM

nat
dw i already replied to them and told her she’s a) a minor and b) taken

shauna
have i told you yet today that i love you natalie
cause i love you nat

nat
:)) 

mari
not the edits of my moms 💀💀

van
SHUT UP

lottie
nooooo what
where

nat
lmaoooo no way

akilah
no i found a whole thread on twitter of ppl talking about nat and lottie
im not even kidding
Attached image

jackie
FOUL

shauna
sssshhhhh

lottie
noooo that’s so funny 
‘not even tuning in for the soccer anymore tuning in for the homoerotic tension’ 💀💀💀

nat
the one about the inherent homoeroticism of being strikers together lmaooooooo

Tai
These people need to get a grip. ‘Yellowjackets fan Taissa Turner is my #1’ Get out of here WHO ARE YOU.

shauna
IM SAYING
LIKE????

.

It’s like they’ve reached a sort of truce. Things are getting awkward again, but with their most fresh interaction being so intimate while not inherently romantic, they’ve gained some sort of fake resemblance of closeness, one that breaks a little bit more every time Natalie stares too long at Lottie as she’s laughing, every time Lottie’s hand lingers in Nat’s.

“Hey. Your turn.”

The quarter nestles comfortably into Nat’s hand as she flicks it into the goal Jackie’s making with her hands. 

“Damn.” Jackie’s grinning even as she complains, and she sticks out her tongue and squints one eye closed as she carefully lines up her shot at Nat’s hands, now making a goal for her to flick the quarter into.

“You’re taking it so seriously,” Shauna giggles, sitting next to Jackie with her book. 

“Shh.” Jackie flicks the quarter and it lands neatly in Nat’s hands. “There. You were saying, Shipman?”

Shauna laughs and shakes her head, holding her hands up in surrender and going back to her book. 

Nat and Jackie keep taking turns flicking the quarter into each other’s hands, until they get too good at it and it gets boring, then they take turns spinning the quarter and trying to get it to stand up.

“Lottie makes this look so easy,” Jackie complains on her third incorrect guess as to whether the quarter will land on heads or tails.

“Jeez.” Nat laughs as she fails her fourth guess. “No wonder you didn’t get team captain again, you really sucked at this.”

Jackie flips her off, but they’re laughing. The hotel lobby is fairly empty at nine at night, the only other people they’ve really seen are other teenage girls also at the hotel for soccer nationals. 

It’s weird, they haven’t been eliminated from the competition yet, so it just feels normal, even though it’s completely mind-blowing and unlikely that they would have made it this far at all, but while the games are still happening for the day, the Yellowjackets are one of five out of fifty teams that are moving on to the semifinals, and she hadn’t really thought about it, shrugging on her Yellowjackets hoodie with ‘Scatorccio 7’ on the back because it’s well worn and cozy, but she’s getting nods in the halls from strangers and people are stopping her to say “Congratulations,” and one of them even says, “Oh, we got eliminated on day one, I watched your first game today, you killed it.”

It’s not bad, it’s just weird .

Like, have people been this nice the whole time? How much was Lottie right about? More than Nat thought, it would seem.

“Oh, Natalie, there you are.” Laura Lee hurries up to the table that her, Jackie, and Shauna have been fooling around at since they got off the bus an hour ago. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“Hey, Laura Lee,” Nat says, half-smiling. She won’t act like she’s not surprised by Laura Lee’s talking to her, let alone ‘looking for her’. She has nothing against Laura Lee. If anything, Nat’s impressed with her devotion to faith. Really, she respects Laura Lee for being so vehemently Christian yet supportive of the many queer people on the team, and for not judging them for their drug and alcohol usage, especially Natalie. “What’s up?”

Laura Lee clears her throat. “I was wondering if I could talk to you?”

“Um, sure.” She eyes Jackie and Shauna. “Did you want to do it in private, or…?”

“Oh, no, that’s alright. I just wanted to tell you… well.” She glances down at the room key on the table, which Nat got out when her and Jackie were trying to use it in their quarter game (it didn’t work out) and hadn’t bothered to put away just yet. “Is that your room key?”

“Yeah?”

Laura Lee squares herself towards Jackie and Shauna. “It has been a pleasure sharing a room with you two, but I have to do this for my friend.” She picks Nat’s room key up off of the table and takes her own out of her pocket. “Here.” She puts it in Nat’s hand and turns on her heel, walking away.

Jackie and Shauna burst into laughter as Laura Lee disappears into an elevator. Heat plagues Natalie’s cheeks as she shoves the new room key into her pocket, where it feels like it’s burning a hole into her shorts.

“Did she just–?”

Jackie gets a smug look on her face. “She sure did.”

“Wow.” Shauna’s smile is wide and shocked. “I didn’t think Laura Lee had those kinds of moves in her.”

Nat looks down and spins the quarter. “Shut up, Shipman.”

Shauna goes back to reading her book, and Nat and Jackie keep taking turns spinning the quarter.

“Mmm. Heads.” Jackie tosses the quarter up in the air. It lands on the table with a clink. Tails.

Nat bursts into laughter as Jackie curses and spins the quarter again.

“Whatever. I’m just excited to see Lottie’s face when we go back to the room and she realizes you’re her new roommate.”

Oh, fuck. Nat hadn’t thought of that.

This isn’t going to go well.

.

Lottie doesn’t exactly seem thrilled when Jackie and Shauna walk into the room at ten o’clock at night with Natalie and a packed bag, but when they all just shrug and say “Laura Lee,” she just sighs and goes back to her notes.

Natalie knows that Jackie and Shauna would not hesitate to split up and share a bed with Nat if she asked, and for that reason, she is determined to not let an ounce of discomfort show when they brush their teeth and get into bed, leaving her and Lottie to share. Again.

“What?” she snaps, closing her binder of soccer notes, looking at Nat standing before her, unimpressed.

“I guess I wanted to know if you wanna split the bed in half again, or something, I dunno.”

Lottie pinches her nose with one hand. “I don’t know what the fuck I want to do, Natalie.” She sighs. “Laura Lee was a lot easier to share a bed with.”

The bridge they built earlier, the connection they forged as Lottie held Nat while she cried, snaps.

“Alright, Charlotte,” Nat says, hoping that the venom she knows Lottie is immune to comes across. “Fuck you, too. I’m going to bed.”

“Good,” she mutters, opening her binder back up. “You need rest for tomorrow.”

Nat lays down as far to the edge of the bed as she possibly can and closes her eyes, nestling down into the blankets. She tries and fails to hold back the tears, but they’re quiet.

She’s not sure if Lottie thinks she’s asleep or not, when she flicks off the light and gets into bed herself, whispering, “Sorry, Nat.”

She wasn’t aware of falling asleep. She’d been trying to fall asleep, but she was too cold and too hot, too aware of Lottie behind her to be able to rest.

But she’d obviously fallen asleep at some point, because now she’s waking up. Nat’s always been a light sleeper. It became a requirement to stay alive back home, to be able to wake up quickly to avoid injury on the worst days. To be able to hear Dad coming back home from the bar late at night and hide in her closet, or sneak under her bed when she was still small enough.

Being a light sleeper has never really been an advantage for her until now, when she snaps to consciousness as soon as gentle hands roll her from her side to her back, when hot legs straddle her body.

“Woah,” she mutters, trying to get a good look at what’s happening in the dark. The hotel has a nightlight, and it’s faint, but Nat would recognize that face anywhere.

“Lottie?”

Her eyes are closed, Nat can see as she leans down that her eyelids are meeting, but she can also see the shadow of her eyeballs moving in the sockets.

She barely has enough time to react, to put a hand over her mouth as Lottie’s lips crash into it.

“Lottie.”

Now her eyes fly open, she sits up, leans back.

“What the–Nat?”

Nat lets her hands fall to her sides. “You were trying to kiss me.”

“I–what? Shit.” Lottie rolls off of Nat. “Nat, I’m sorry. I was asleep.”

“I know.” She could see it. See her eyes moving in her closed lids, the lack of control. The instinctiveness. The gentleness Lottie treated her with, the gentle caress of her hands, even as she was dead asleep. “I know you were.” 

How she wishes she’d been awake.

“Fuck. I… I’m going to take a shower.”

Lottie disappears into the bathroom, light appearing under the door.

Nat gets out of bed, too. She can’t stay here.

“Nat?”

Jackie.

“What are you doing?”

She’s slipping her shoes on, pocketing her phone, trying to find her room key in the dark. “Everything’s fine, Jackie. Go back to sleep.”

Jackie grumbles assent and puts her head back down. Nat lets out a breath and tip-toes into the hallway, holding the door as it closes so it doesn't slam. Barely awake, thoughts barely coherent, she sets off into the hallway.

When she knocks on room 423 she’s half expecting nobody to answer it. Someone does, though, a man, half-clothed, looking flustered. He falters at seeing Natalie, groggy, a teenager, in the doorway. 

“Fuck no.”

He slips out the door, past Natalie, and runs down the hallway, turning a corner and vanishing.

Nat watches him go, and is startled when she turns back to the door and Coach Scott is standing there.

“Jesus,” she barks, at the same time that he says, “Natalie? What are you doing here?”

“Sorry about that,” she says, looking at the hallway where the man vanished. “Looks like I’ve interrupted something.”

He shakes his head. “No.”

Natalie raises an eyebrow.

“Okay. Well…” Coach Scott shakes his head again, blushing. “It doesn’t matter. You’re supposed to find a chaperone at any time if something is wrong. What’s wrong?”

“Well… nothing’s wrong, per se, I was just wondering if I could crash here for the night?”

“Crash here? Natalie, what’s wrong with the room you were assigned?”

“Nothing, nothing, it’s just… girl drama?”

Coach Scott squints at her, frowns, then sighs.

“Fine. It’s late. But you need to figure out whatever this is with whoever it involves tomorrow.”

She salutes him as she slips into the room, targeting the bed that looks untouched and laying down.

She texts Lottie, ‘in coach scotts hotel room for the night’ because she knows otherwise she’ll go berserk and tear down the whole place looking for Natalie, puts down her phone, and goes to bed.

She’ll have to think about what just happened with Lottie later, but for now, she’s exhausted, and they have four fucking games tomorrow. Sleep comes easily, and Nat dreams of Lottie.

.

NATIONAL EFFING SEMIFINALISTS mother effing yellowjackets

6:42 am

mari
me and my new best friend
Attached image
why have you guys been hiding laura lee from me she’s like the best

van
it was like they were having a sleepover in third grade
tai was the dad 

Tai
Ridiculous! They were giggling and having pillow fights at eleven! We play today at eight!

van
case in point

mari
please please please can i keep her!!!

lottie
mari! what have we said about strays??

mari
but mooooom :( 

van
lmaooo

.

Let it go down in history that Natalie Scatorccio is not a morning person. Not normally, and especially not when her body is still getting used to the time difference between Wiskayok and Portland. She’s especially not a morning person when Lottie Matthews was straddling her and trying to make out with her while asleep, and now that she’s awake she’s acting like Nat doesn’t exist.

Laura Lee sidles up to her as they get onto the bus at 7:00 in the fucking morning and says, “Soo? How was your night?” and she’s grinning all knowingly and hopefully and Nat just wants to cry.

Instead, she says, “Not amazing,” and hides by fortifying herself by sitting in front of Jackie and Shauna and behind Van and Tai. 

Lottie slides into the seat next to Laura Lee looking miserable, and jesus, would kissing Natalie really be that bad?

What with the state they’re in, Nat hadn’t imagined that their first game would go great, but she hadn’t imagined that they would fucking lose. 

It makes sense. Her and Lottie can’t even make eye contact, and their uncertainty is trickling down to the rest of the team, and they’re all in a funk. None of them are playing their best, and Nat is inattentive at best. Somehow, Tai manages to get the ball in the net once, but they can’t keep up with the opposing team, and they lose, 2-1.

It doesn’t bode well for the other three games they have to play that day.

Hell, even the announcers notice that something is different, that they aren’t playing to their, “Usual standard of excellence.”

Nat would like to say that their second game goes better, but she’d be lying. It’s like she’s watching the game happen on the television, she doesn’t feel like she’s actually there, like there’s anything she can actually do to change their fate. 

It’s like she’s underwater, slowly sinking and watching the game happen above the water, but nobody can hear her screaming and she can’t do anything, can’t move no matter how hard she kicks, how hard she tries to propel herself towards the surface.

She’s playing sluggishly, reacting at a delay of at least two seconds to everything, most of her brain power dedicated to trying not to watch Lottie and failing, then giving herself shit for doing nothing but stare at Lottie.

Tai looks close to tears when she goes to take that corner kick. Nat positions herself where she usually does for corner kicks coming from the right, the ball usually goes to Lottie in those situations because she’s closer, but Nat gets herself situated nonetheless, feeling the eyes of the defender guarding her glaring into her back. The whole team that they’re playing seems to be taking it very personally that they aren’t playing well, like they think that the Yellowjackets decided that the team from Nebraska was beneath them and they wouldn’t play as hard. Like they weren’t winning, two to nothing.

Fucking ridiculous. And now this defender’s been glaring daggers at Natalie since she managed to get around her with the ball all of one time, like how dare she actually be decent at the game for five seconds.

Tai kicks the ball. It goes flying, soaring in her rage, far past where Lottie could reasonably be expected to be able to touch it. Instead, it bounces off the forehead of one of the Nebraska Buffalo’s foreheads and heads straight towards Natalie.

Shit. She has to do something now.

She keeps her eyes on the ball, moves to where the ball’s going to be coming down, gets her head in position. And she’s too low. Fuck. She’s going to have to jump it. 

Praying she isn’t too late, she bends, springs, and leaps. 

She certainly comes into contact with something , something that feels far heavier and sharper than the ball. She doesn’t even think anything of it, sort of expects that she fails to land on her feet and tumbles straight to the ground. She can’t tell if she scored or not, if she even touched the ball, if it went in the net.

She doesn’t understand what’s the matter, why people have started screaming, why she can hear the familiar sounds of Jackie puking her guts out (she’s been hungover with Jackie Taylor a lot ). It’s not until she hears a scream of “Natalie!” rip out of familiar lungs that she looks up and sees red pouring over her eyebrows, stinging in her eyes. 

Everything starts spinning as she feels strong, familiar arms wrap around her, cradling her head.

“Nat. Hey. Don’t move, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Lottie sounds like she’s underwater. “Nat, can you hear me?”

She groans. Red. Her face feels so wet. When did she get in the shower?

“Natalie. Can you hear me?” Warm, wet fingers squeeze into Nat’s clenched fists. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

She squeezes.

“Okay. Okay, good. Can you see me?”

Nat tries again to open her eyes, and a sea of red ooze blocks everything. She gurgles as it trickles into her mouth, the warmth, the taste of metal making everything make sense. Dad’s here. Dad’s done something. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

“Number seven, Natalie Scatorccio is down. Let’s see that replay, it seems she got a cleat to the face…” Melds into “Useless fucking bitch, can’t even make fucking dinner. Girls make dinner, girls cook, what a useless fucking girl you are, can’t even cook your old man dinner.”

She’d cut her finger on the knife trying to cut the meat, but that doesn’t explain how it got on her face.

“–Atalie. Natalie, can you hear me?”

The voice is far away, like they’re talking underwater.

Tears flow from her eyes, melding with the blood. She hears a scream, vaguely connecting dots that her mouth opened and closed in time with the terrible sound. “Lottie.”

“Oh, thank God. Nat, you passed out for a minute, I don’t–”

“Lottie, I cut my finger and got blood in his food, he’s gonna kill me.” She pants, spitting blood out of her mouth. “He’s gonna kill me, you have to help me.”

“You fucked up my food, now I’m going to fuck up you.”

She can see him. He’s walking towards her, a knife in each hand. She fights to get out of the grip around her head, her arms, the hands keeping her from fleeing. The hands let her go, and she scoots backwards, tears and blood gushing down her face.

“Dad, please. I’m sorry, it was an accident.”

“‘Sorry’ isn’t going to cut it. You’re going to have to pay me in blood.”

Her back hits the wall. She pants, spluttering. “I-I’m already bleeding.”

He strikes the knives together and advances, licking his lips.

“Not enough, Natalie. Never enough.”

She whimpers and cries, helpless to do anything else, nobody else there to help. 

“–Need to clean the wound and get it bandaged.”

“Misty, I think she’s having a flashback.”

The underwater voices sound vaguely familiar, but she can’t let them distract her lest he catch her off guard.

Hands touch Natalie’s shoulders. She screams, flinches away. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Natalie. I need to clean the cut on your forehead.”

“She can’t fucking hear you, Misty, don’t touch her. Nat, you have to breathe. Can you breathe with me? In. And out. In.”

The voice gets a little clearer, Dad's getting fuzzier, farther away. Nat tries to obey, taking shuddering breaths in and out, even as more blood fills her mouth.

“Good. That’s good. Breathe in.”

Nat takes a shaky breath in.

“And out.”

She exhales, coughing out blood.

“In.”

The voice is getting clearer, more enunciated. Nat can see dark, fluffy hair, loving brown eyes.

“And out.”

It’s not a wall behind her. It’s something circular. A goalpost.

She sucks in her breath before Lottie can tell her to take another, eyes flying open. She immediately loses the small amount of control she was getting over her breathing.

“Natalie, can you hear me?”

“Yes.” She’s hyperventilating, reaching, scrambling for the familiar voice.

“Can you see me?”

“Yes.” She’s crawling on all fours, but the face is getting closer.

“Who am I?”

“Charlotte. Lottie.” She says it as an identifier, but also in relief, as she finally reaches Lottie and wraps her arms around her.

“Yeah,” Lottie breathes, wrapping her strong arms around Nat’s back, rubbing soothing circles. “That’s right. God, Nat.”

“Is she good to get on the stretcher?”

“No.” Lottie readjusts her weight, backs away from Nat a little, but just enough so they can look each other in the eyes. “Nat, we have to get off the field so Misty can take a look at your face. Is it okay if I carry you off?”

Nat gazes into Lottie’s eyes. She could do that forever. She's so tired.

“‘Kay.”

“Okay? Alright, here we go. Hold on tight.” Lottie gets to her feet, bringing Nat with her. Nat readjusts when she’s in the air, wrapping herself around Lottie like a koala.

Lottie sets her down on the bench, but when she straightens up again, Nat keeps her grip around Lottie’s waist.

“May I see?” Misty Quigley. At Nat’s side with blindingly white bandages. Nat nods, but keeps her face on Lottie. “First we have to clean off all the blood.”

Lottie crouches, breaking Nat’s grip, and puts her hands on Natalie’s shoulders.

“I have to go play, okay? But I’ll be right over there, you can watch me, okay?”

Nat shrugs.

Lottie purses her lips. “How about this?” She picks up one of Nat’s hands, wipes off the blood, and plants a kiss on her hand.

Natalie watches with wide eyes.

“Now it’s like I’m still with you, even when I’m all the way out there. I will always be yours, Nat.”

Nat smiles goofily, and holds her hand to her heart. 

Distant shouts interrupt their moment, and Lottie rolls her eyes. 

“Okay. I gotta go now, but I’m still with you there.” She touches a finger to Nat’s hand. “You’ll be alright?”

“Yes! She’s in good hands,” Misty says, shooing Lottie back onto the field. Lottie glares, but Nat nods and she jogs off. “Whew,” Misty says once they’re alone. “I heard the rumors, but jeez. ”

Nat frowns. “Rumors? About what?”

“You and Lottie, Silly.” Misty laughs. “I just have to apply pressure to stop the bleeding.”

Nat sucks in a breath as Misty pushes down on her forehead.

“But anyway. Yeah, I’d heard the rumors that you guys were totally head over heels for each other, but I wasn’t sure if I believed them. I get it now. Ooh! Here goes Lottie with the penalty kick.”

Misty physically turns Nat’s head to where Lottie’s standing, she can see the ‘Matthews’ and the number five on the back of her jersey, the head of hair that she’d recognize anywhere.

Lottie makes the penalty kick, makes it look easy. The goalie jumps in the wrong direction and she sinks the ball into the net.

Their teammates rush onto the field, but Lottie runs right past them. She runs straight to Natalie, hugging her gingerly, careful not to jostle her.

“Hey,” Nat says.

Lottie smiles at her. “Hey.”

“Nice shot.”

“Thanks.” She squeezes Nat’s hand, the one she kissed so she would always be there. “I gotta go finish this game, but I’ll be just over on the field, okay?”

Nat nods, and kisses Lottie’s hand before she goes.

Lottie blinks, pausing. “What was that for?”

“When you’re over on the field,” Nat says, pointing. “So I’ll always be with you.”

A wide smile spreads across Lottie’s face, one that reminds Nat of home, and she says, “You’re the best,” as she jogs back out to the field.

The game continues, getting wobblier the longer Nat stares and watches, and when Coach Martinez walks over Nat can see two of him.

“How is she?”

Misty puts a blood-soaked bandage in a plastic bag and holds a new one to Nat’s forehead, frowning. “Honestly, Coach? I’m applying pressure, but the bleeding isn’t stopping, I think she should go to the hospital.”

“No,” Nat says, vision swimming. She can’t afford a hospital. 

Coach Martinez sighs. “Scatorccio, if one of my kids dies while I’m out here, it’s my fault. You’re fine, but we’re doing this for my conscience. Travis! Help me carry her to the car.” 

A third figure approaches. When Natalie looks at it, the world starts spinning.

“No,” she protests. “I can walk.”

“Coach–”

“Travis, hold her arm.” Coach Martinez looks at Misty, who accepts the terms with a nod.

A hand circles around Nat’s arm as she gets to her feet, but she looks at her hand and thinks of Lottie and maintains normal breathing.

The farther they get out of the field, the foggier everything gets and the more things start spinning. She feels like she’s on a bad high, that happened sometimes when she was doing drugs all the time. Only her head never pounded quite like it is now.

“Don’t feel good,” she mumbles, swaying on her feet.

Travis, Coach Martinez’s older son, snorts. “Well, you took a fucking cleat to the face, I bet you don’t feel good.”

Nat groans.

“It was kind of badass, though,” Travis adds. He sounds like he’s far, far, away, and Nat can barely hear him

She stumbles, the ground swooping up to meet her. 

Distantly, she’s pretty sure she can hear someone calling for her, but the ground is calling to her, summoning her back home. She can’t be late.

The darkness swallows her whole, and Natalie feels at peace.

.

marigold coats

1:15 pm

jackie
hey girls!!! just a heads up that charlotte matthews (just moved here, you probably know who she is) is going to be doing a sort of “tryout” by participating in practice with us today!! i want everyone on their best behavior. please be nice to her even if she sucks. coach is going to honestly assess her and if she’s any good she’ll join the team.

shauna
thanks jax!!!

van
omg i didnt know she played soccer cool

Tai
Okay.

jackie
does anyone know where natalie is? i really want everyone at practice today so coach can see how we all play together.

van
idk
ill text her tho

jackie
thank you!!

.

The hospital is a blur of sterile white and doctors and blood and needles and tubes to the point that it’s a relief when she passes out again. Especially when her head feels better upon waking, the piercing throbbing reduced to a dull ache. She doesn't feel any pressure on her skin, no needles dripping drugs into her system. No more tubes, hopefully.

She feels even better when she opens her eyes and sees Lottie. Leaned over Nat’s body, head down, but she’d know who it was anywhere.

“Lottie?”

Her voice is hoarse, but Lottie doesn’t care, sitting right up, a smile spreading onto her face.

“You’re awake.”

“I am. Hi.”

Lottie brushes dark hair away from Nat’s face, away from the bandages on her forehead. “Hi.” 

“What time is it?” It looks like it’s dark outside, but the blinds are pulled down, so Natalie can’t really tell.

Lottie checks her phone. “Eleven thirty-one. I got here just about fifteen minutes ago, after the last game. I wanted to come sooner, but–”

“It’s okay. I get it.” A smile spreads across Lottie’s face, and it’s only now that Natalie notices the sweat, that she’s still wearing her jersey. Worry gnaws at her. “How were the games?”

Lottie bites her lip, eyes lighting up.

“Nat, we made it to the finals.”

Natalie falls completely still. “Stop. Are you serious?”

Lottie bounces in her seat. “Completely. We can watch back the livestreams, if you want, we played so much better than we did in the morning. I mean… obviously we were worried about you, but–”

Nat giggles at the flash of guilt in Lottie’s eyes, her racing to explain herself. “I get it. It united you as a team.”

Lottie sags in relief. “Yeah. It really did. And I scored five goals in the third game alone, so.”

“Holy shit, really?”

“Yeah. You kind of motivated me.”

Nat smiles and looks at the hand Lottie kissed earlier. She can still feel her skin tingling where Lottie’s lips brushed her hand.

“What happened to me?”

Lottie pales. “Well, that jackass from Nebraska had her foot way too high up, and the refs didn’t really explicitly say that she put it there because she wanted you to hit her, but she got red-carded anyway, ‘cause her foot was too high up in the box, and she hit you in the face with it. She cut you with her cleat, mostly in the forehead. The doctors said you don’t have a concussion and it wasn’t that deep, you didn’t need any stitches, it’s just that… your… um. Episode made your brain go a little haywire so your heart started pumping your brain extra blood to keep up, and then… um. It all poured out your forehead. So you lost a little more blood than they’d like, they gave you an IV to get you hydrated, but you’ll be able to go home tonight.”

Nat’s aching to be closer to Lottie, even though she’s sitting right here. She holds onto her hand, pulls it closer. 

“And what about what you said?”

“Hmm?”

“Afterwards. When I was on the bench. After you kissed my hand.”

Lottie looks at the floor. “I don’t quite recall what I said, I was pretty frazzled.”

“Well, I remember. You said you would always be mine.”

“Oh, that. Well, you were bloody, and I was scared, and–”

“I wanted to tell you that, if it’s okay with you, I’d like it if I were always yours, too.”

“Oh.” Lottie takes a long breath in, and out. “Natalie, do you remember Jackie’s party? The one she and Shauna threw when they told everyone they were together?”

“The one where I told you I was in love with you and you ran away? Yeah, I remember.”

Lottie’s jaw drops open. “You… you meant that? You were so drunk, I thought you weren’t coherent, or you thought it’d be funny, or… I don’t know. I’ve been trying to give you space, I thought…”

“You thought wrong. And yeah, I was stupid drunk, and it was the wrong place, the wrong time, probably the wrong way to say it, but… I guess this isn’t exactly a better place or time, huh?”

Lottie glares at her playfully. “I’m listening, now.”

“Okay. About what you said, in your car, after the team dinner. When we kissed, I wasn’t pretending. And I would love to be your friend, but I have no interest in being just friends.”

Lottie squeezes her hand. “Me, neither.”

Nat takes a deep breath in, and out. “Okay. That’s settled, then.”

“Well. Maybe it’s not completely settled.” Lottie scoots closer to Natalie, eyes teasing, lips parting, leaning in.

“I think I taste like blood,” Nat says, leaning in anyway.

“I don’t care,” Lottie says. “Do you?”

Nat kisses her in response, Lottie smiling into the kiss but quickly recovering, repositioning herself and moving her tongue–

“Miss Scatorccio–Oh.” The poor nurse who’s just walked in on them making out covers her eyes as Lottie and Nat retreat, blushing furiously.

“Sorry,” Lottie says, wiping her mouth. “Is she good to go?”

The nurse nods. “Your Father is signing the release paperwork now. You shouldn’t let it get wet or do too much physical movement that’ll irritate it for twenty-four hours. If it starts hurting more, bleeding again, or anything else that concerns you, please don’t hesitate to come back.

“He’s my Coach, not my Dad,” Nat quickly corrects.

“Oh. Sorry.” They look at Lottie, still in her jersey. “Are you girls here for the national soccer thing?”

Lottie grins. “Yeah.”

“That's so cool. Where are you from?”

“New Jersey. We just made it to the final round.”

“Wow! Got some local celebrities.” They smile. “As soon as that paperwork gets back you’re free to go.”

Coach Martinez pokes his head in the door. “Matthews, Scatorccio, let’s go. Our bus awaits.”

Nat looks at Lottie. “Bus?”

“Well, yeah. No one wanted to go back to the hotel without knowing you were okay.”

She thinks back to their talk yesterday. About being worthy of and accepting love. Smiles at Lottie.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

Nat gets to her feet slowly, remembering how she passed out last time she tried to walk somewhere.

“Here.” Lottie offers Natalie her hand. “In case you lose your balance?”

“Right. In case I lose my balance.” Nat smirks and takes Lottie’s hand.

They walk together out to the waiting room, where the entirety of the Yellowjackets are lounging around. As Nat and Lottie come into sight the girls stand up, cheering and whistling at their linked hands.

Standing in the middle of the room, Nat lets go of Lottie’s hand and holds out her arms. Jackie, Van, and Tai get to her first, the rest of the team piling on around them into a massive group hug.

“We’re going to the finals!” Nat shouts, and they all cheer. 

The room clears out as people make their way out to the bus. Tai stays behind, raising a questioning eyebrow. Feeling a smile reveal her happiness, Natalie nods. Tai smiles back, then links hands with Van, walking out to the bus.

The last two left in the waiting room, Lottie turns to Nat. “M’lady?” Nat laughs and links her hand with Lottie’s. They sit next to each other on the bus, and Lottie runs a hand through Natalie’s hair when she puts her head on Lottie’s shoulder, and she feels the equilibrium that she got a taste of for the first time when they kissed in Lottie’s car after their team dinner restoring.

“We should talk more,” Lottie murmurs as the bus pulls up to the hotel. “Good things. But we should talk about them.”

“Tomorrow?” Nat asks, yawning. “I’m sleepy.”

“Yeah.” Lottie kisses her over her bandage. “Tomorrow.”

They wake up snuggling, and Lottie giggles and kisses Nat on the nose, and she feels incredibly fulfilled.

.

NATIONAL EFFING FINALISTS mother effing yellowjackets

8:45 am

akilah
ok ik natalie almost died or whatever im not trying to accuse her of slacking off or anything but literally where is she
like where did she go i have not seen her all morning

lottie
she is not allowed to get her bandage wet (sweat) and she is not allowed to do activities that might cause her head to start bleeding again (running, working out, general soccer playing) for twenty four hours so she may (emphasis on may) be able to play tmrw but she will not be allowed to actually participate at practice today ! idk where she is rn tho

jackie
can we talk about yesterday tho…
like yall were holding hands……

lottie
we were holding hands
that is all i will comment on until further notice

akilah
i just know twitter would go insane if i started leaking screenshots from this gc
the SHAUNA AND JACKIE content
phew
i should have gotten twitter blue i could be making BANK rn

shauna
dont test me i will kick you right now

akilah
i was kidding i swear im not ratting
im having too much fun

van
im gonna stand by my kid she was just kidding around dont kick her pls

shauna
fine
but if i see anything from this gc on twitter im kicking akilah first and asking questions later

akilah
i will accept these conditions
but. where did nat go nobody answered my question

.

Primrose and bleeding hearts are a no-brainer. Beyond that, Natalie knows literally nothing about flowers. Sure, she’s heard of red roses for lovers, but how fucking lame is that? She can maybe get a red rose. One, max. Lottie’s too special for something as basic as red roses.

She spends the whole morning (when she’s not looking at Lottie) and the whole car ride googling flowers that have a meaning related to love.

They get lucky and find a spot just outside the front. Nat stares up at the storefront, taking a deep breath.

“Are you sure about this?” 

Natalie smirks at Coach Scott and heads for the front door. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

The bell by the door jingles as they walk inside, and the dog prances up to them

“Hi, Natasha,” Nat says, crouching down to pet the dog.

“Is that who I think it is?”

The woman Natalie met in the hotel lobby appears behind the counter, grinning. Nat straightens.

“Hi, Trisha.”

“Hi, Natalie. Your name twin down there is excited to see you.”

Nat the dog is busy greeting Coach Scott, but the excitement is still there.

“So, what brings you here? Looking to smell the roses?” She looks down at the counter, where a few flowers are clearly in the middle of being twisted into an intricate design.

Nat looks back at Coach Scott, who nods. “Actually, I’m here on business.”

“Ooh. Official Yellowjackets business? Congratulations on making it to the finals, by the way. We’ll be there.”

“Oh, thank you. I’ll make sure to tell the others, we’ll look for you.”

“And how’s your head, huh? I heard you took a cleat to the forehead?”

“Oh, yeah.” Nat points stupidly at the obvious bandage on her forehead. “I gotta sit out practice today, but it’ll be fine. And it’s… not really official Yellowjackets business, but I do want to buy flowers.”

“Okay. What are you looking for today?”

“Um.” Embarrassment trickles up through her system, bringing uncomfortable pink to her face. “Well, they’re for a girl. That I’m seeing. Well, kind of. That I want to be seeing. I dunno. We haven’t figured it all out yet.”

Trisha smiles at her kindly. “So… romance flowers?”

“Yes,” Nat says, thankful for the out. “I, um, I’ve been doing some research, so I have a list, but you probably know the flowers better than I do, so I’m open to suggestions.”

“I take it you aren’t looking for a dozen red roses?”

“No.”

“Good.” She grins. “It’s more fun that way. What should we get started with?”

“Primrose and bleeding hearts, if you have them.”

“Bleeding hearts?”

“I know they can mean unrequited love, we’ve talked about those before.”

“Oh! Alright, then. Bleeding hearts and primrose, coming right up.”

The flowers stack up on Trisha’s counter, as Natalie reads from her list and she provides her florist insider knowledge. Natasha helps, sitting next to Natalie and providing moral support by demanding scratches behind the ears.

In the end, Natalie is more than satisfied with her bouquet.

“It’s perfect,” she says, already picturing the look on Lottie’s face when she gives them to her. “Do you have cards to put in the bouquets? Preferably blank cards.”

“I sure do.”

Trisha digs in a box behind the counter, then passes Natalie a blank card. “I’m assuming you’d like to write in it later?”

She bites on the inside of her cheek. “Yes, please. Thank you.”

Coach Scott slides his card in the machine, and then they’re giving goodbye pats to Natasha and getting in the car. Natalie can’t stop grinning at her flowers.

“Thank you,” she says, unable to look away.

“You’re welcome,” Coach Scott chuckles, looking at her, infatuated with her flowers. “Glad I could help you solve that ‘girl drama’.”

Nat shakes her head, laughing. 

She feels genuinely comfortable just talking with Coach Scott in the rental car as they drive back to the practice facility, and she thinks that that’s a kind of love, too.

.

Thankfully, Jackie and Shauna both reply to her text as Coach Scott pulls into the parking lot of the nationals fields, agreeing to give her half an hour in the hotel room with Lottie after they get back from practice.

Jackie’s reply involves more winking emojis than she’d like, but it’s fine. Jackie can think what she wants, but they won’t be using their thirty minutes for sex. At least, that’s not what Nat’s planning on. If things go in that direction… she wouldn’t be mad.

They’re just finishing their morning scrimmage and being released to eat their nationals-catered lunch when Nat and Coach Scott get inside. She gets to eat and fool around with her friends and sit on the bench after lunch is over, doing some light stretches and kicking the ball back when it rolls her way.

The day trickles by incredibly slowly, even though lunch ended at one and they’re going back to the hotel at four. It’s three hours of nothing to do but watch, and sure, watching is good for her, and she could probably be thinking strategy right now, or whatever it is that Taissa Turner does whenever she closes her eyes, but Natalie does not have it in her to try and think about anything except for how good Lottie looks, even sweaty and only in shorts and her baggy WHS Yellowjackets t-shirt.

When practice finally ends, Lottie runs right to Nat and sits by her, drinking from her water bottle and mooching some of Nat’s when she runs out. They sit together on the bus ride back to the hotel and they hold hands while Lottie chats with Laura Lee, and Lottie keeps looking at their linked hands and grinning, and Nat thinks of how Laura Lee switched rooms with her to encourage them to spend time together, to talk about it. Lottie must have confessed something, or Laura Lee must have just been able to read the room. Either way, Nat feels perfectly secure sitting in comfortable quiet, only chiming into the conversation every once in a while.

Lottie says goodbye to Laura Lee as they get off the bus, which is a relief, because she doesn’t want to tear Lottie away from her friends, but she also knows that Jackie and Shauna are fiends for a shower and they most definitely will be coming into the room for the bathroom the minute her half hour is up.

“Come on,” she says, speed-walking for the elevators and dragging Lottie behind her.

“Where are we going?” Lottie asks, quickly catching up with her long legs.

“Hotel room,” Nat says.

“Mm. And why’d you say it like that?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Lottie pouts, sticking out her lower lip.

“But, I will tell you that it has something to do with my brief disappearance and I got Shauna and Jackie to stay out of the room for half an hour.”

“Ooh, okay.” Lottie wiggles her eyebrows.

“No, Horndog.” Nat nudges Lottie’s shoulder teasingly as they get off the elevator. “I mean, if that’s where things go, that’s where they go. But I was thinking we could have that talk you mentioned yesterday.”

Lottie’s hand finds hers and holds on tight. “That sounds perfect.”

“Okay.” Nat slides her room key across the door and opens it. “Close your eyes.”

Lottie squeezes her eyes, very visibly peeking.

“Cheater.”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yeah-huh.” Nat goes behind Lottie and covers her eyes with her hands. “Walk.” 

They go inside, and Nat does her best to position Lottie in front of where she left the flowers in the bucket for ice that the hotel leaves out.

“Okay, you can open.” She takes her hands away from Lottie’s eyes and hears her gasp.

“Nat! They’re so pretty.” She turns around, hugging Nat tight. “Thank you.”

Nat shrugs. “Go on, touch ‘em. I know you want to.”

Lottie rushes to the bouquet, fingers flitting ever so gently over petals and stems, naming nearly every flower as she runs her hands over them. 

Trying to see where her note went, Nat pads around Lottie’s side and twists the bucket. “Just here, there’s something…”

The notecard pokes out of the flowers at the new angle. “Oh.” Lottie looks at Natalie, eyes already watering.

“You fucking sap,” Nat cackles. “Go on, read it.”

With dainty fingers, Lottie plucks the note out of the flowers. The first tear drips down her face when she reads the front, which says only ‘Lottie’. Then she flips it over.

The notecard, carefully written out in Nat’s messy scrawl:

Primrose - Love. ‘I can’t live without you.’
Bleeding hearts - Strong and unconditional love.
Camellia - Red - Passionate and romantic love, deep desire.
Camellia - Pink - Longing.
Forget me not - True love and devotion.
Jasmine - Eternal love and beauty.
Baby’s breath - Young love and new beginnings.
Rose - Red - Love and passion. Deep red; ‘I’m ready for commitment.’
Rose - White - Young love, eternal loyalty.
- Nat

Lottie looks up at Natalie from the note, tears brimming over her eyes and down her face. “Is that…?”

“The meanings of all the flowers that I wanted you to take away,” Nat murmurs, sliding in close. “So you wouldn’t get worried like I did when you sent me those fucking bleeding hearts.”

Lottie laughs. Laughs hard, letting her head drop down onto Nat’s.

“I have a confession about the bleeding hearts,” she whispers to Nat’s forehead.

“What is it?” Nat asks, drawing back so she can look Lottie in the eyes.

Lottie bites her lip. “Promise you won’t laugh?”

“Promise.”

“I got drunk one of the nights after we first talked, because I was sad about how it had gone, and I drunkenly ordered you those on this florist’s website. I’d completely forgotten I’d done it until you mentioned them at Jackie’s.”

Nat covers her mouth with her hand.

“You promised you wouldn’t laugh!”

“I’m sorry,” she says, still chuckling. “That’s kind of really funny, though, Lot.”

“I was miserable,” she says, sticking out her lower lip.

“And I’m sorry about that.” Nat taps her lip where she’s sticking it out. “But it got us here, and this isn’t so bad, right?”

Lottie wraps her arms around Nat and presses a kiss to her lips. “‘Bad’ would not be my word of choice.”

“Mm.” Nat isn’t satisfied with the one chaste kiss, so she leans in for another. “What would be your word of choice?”

“Hmm. Maybe ‘perfect’.”

“Stop it.” Nat hits her arm. “We just started, it can’t be perfect already.”

“I don’t know.” Lottie rakes her eyes over Natalie. “I don’t know if we’re looking at different scenes, but I don’t know if I can picture a more accurate word.”

Nat just stares at Lottie, then, and she feels so strong, so all-consuming, that she blurts, “I’m in love with you.”

Lottie smiles. Wide, and unrestrained, and lovingly. “And I’m in love with you.”

She’s so beautiful. Nat’s not used to hearing the words, even though Lottie’s said them before. They make her heart melt. “Cool.”

Lottie laughs and sinks onto the bed, pulling Nat down with her. “That is pretty cool.” She presses a kiss to Nat’s lips, and she’s such a fucking loser.

“Hey, Lot, since we’re both in love with each other… You know. Do you wanna… maybe…?”

Lottie sits back to look Nat in the eye, jaw dropping in offense. “Nat, that’s an awful way to ask me to be your girlfriend.”

Blush rushes to her face. “At least I tried. Is that a no?”

“Here.” Lottie scoots back and clears her throat. “Natalie Scatorccio,” she says, love radiating in her eyes and taking Nat’s hands in hers. “I adore you completely, and I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Would you do me the biggest honor of my life and be my girlfriend?”

“Shit, that was really good.”

Lottie scoots in closer until their thighs touch, a new, electrifying feeling in her eyes that sends heat flooding into Nat’s core as she leans forward. “Is that a no?”

“No,” she squeaks. Clears her throat. “It’s a yes. Yes, Lottie. I will do you the biggest honor of your life and be your girlfriend.”

She rolls her eyes fondly. “Shut up.”

“Your words.”

The only way Natalie can think to reward the look Lottie’s giving her is with a kiss, and that’s how they spend the rest of their half an hour, laying on the bed and gazing at Lottie’s flowers and making out.

Later, after dinner and showering, they get back into bed together, just like the way they used to at Lottie’s house when they had sleepovers, except infinitely better because Lottie presses kisses to Nat’s forehead, nose, cheeks and lips, and she giggles and Jackie says, loudly, “We’re not even that bad,” and Nat just flips her off.

They lie quietly for ten minutes, then Nat starts tickling Lottie until she starts laughing, and Shauna sits up and says, “I don’t know how deep Van and Tai slept, but we don’t sleep that heavily.”

And Lottie, still giggling, says, “Sorry,” and glares accusingly at Nat.

She doesn’t feel the slightest bit guilty, but they do their best to shut up and let Jackie and Shauna sleep after that.

They have their final game tomorrow. The last one. The final two teams out of fifty, and Nat might not even get to play. 

Still.

It’s something she should probably be nervous about, but she isn’t. She’s too filled with happiness, too stuck on Lottie’s closeness and the happiness that she’s radiating, too.

She falls asleep in Lottie’s arms, feeling safe and secure. She wakes up holding Lottie, and she feels perfectly at peace.

Even as she sees Jackie smirking and catches the flash of a camera.

.

NATIONAL EFFING FINALISTS mother effing yellowjackets

6:31 am

jackie
Attached image
hmm.

van
OH MY GOD
IS THAT REAL
JACKIE
ANSWER ME

Tai
Holy shit.
Fucking finally.

mari
MOMS!!!!!!
YOU GOT BACK TOGETHER

jackie
YES its fucking real they kept me up half the night talking and giggling >:(

shauna
can confirm

lottie
sorry not sorry

jackie
we have a big game today!!! as team captain you ought to be worried about the game

lottie
as a girlfriend haver, i am more concerned with my gf and she must be amused and giggling at all times or my job is not done

van
my people

akilah
ohhhhh
if i were to crack and post shit on twitter, this is definitely what would do me in
CONFIRMED lottienat. hs nationals twitter would go insane

nat
honestly…….

lottie
that would be rlly funny lmao

van
no no no guys guys please
let me orchestrate this
i have been thinking about ways to potentially soft launch lesbian couples for so long
and my and tai’s opportunity got stolen by the fucking announcers for some reason
but anyway
PLEASE

Tai
Why did I not know about your strange obsession with launching relationships.

van
its a secret i hold close to my heart

lottie
i guess you can help? what do we do

van
YEEESSS
hehehehhehehehehe
okay so. you both gotta make a photodump post with a suspicious amount of pictures of the other person in it. like, featured front and center they have to be the focus of the photo for like 8 out of 10 and they gotta be IN the other two but not FEATURED like its a whole post just about them
does that make sense

nat
do i have to

lottie
ill send u pics babe dw

nat
bliss

mari
awwwww
look at my moms go

.

It’s bullshit that the final game is on the same day as the awards and closing ceremony. It means that the game has to start at eight in the fucking morning, and Natalie, as established, is not a fucking morning person.

She’s actually not a horror to be around on this particular morning, though, because Lottie’s braiding her hair on the bus, and she hasn’t left ten feet of Nat’s side yet except for to go to the bathroom and brush her teeth first thing in the morning.

So, really, in a way, it’s kind of like she’s still in bed, even though they’re at the field warming up for the literal final game of nationals.

“It looks pretty good,” Misty says, squinting at Nat’s forehead, where she’s replacing the bandage. “I don’t think you should play in the first half, but if it’s really bothering you you can pester Coach about it at halftime.”

It’s not what she was hoping for, but it’s not a complete ‘No’.

“Okay. Can I warm up?”

Misty sighs. “Gently.”

Nat pumps her fist and gets up, jogging onto the field to pass the ball around with Laura Lee.

“And potential good news, here, for Yellowjackets fans, just now Natalie Scatorccio, number seven jogged onto the field. Fans might recall that only two days ago, Scatorccio was struck in the head with a cleat and had to go to the hospital for treatment. She seems to be on her feet now, and it seems likely that she will make an appearance in the game. Scatorccio having contributed an impressive four goals during championship games before her injury a few days ago.”

It’s still weird, having information about her announced to the crowd–the fact that there is a crowd at all is a mind-fuck of it’s own–but she hears cheers and waves hesitantly, to louder cheers.

Lottie’s standing by the bench talking to Coach Martinez, but they wrap it up and she jogs over to Nat and Laura Lee, joining their passing triangle. 

“Charlotte Matthews, striker, team captain, and number five on the New Jersey Yellowjackets scored eight goals yesterday following the injury of Natalie Scatorccio. It was wildly impressive to witness. She was like a rabid scoring machine. I wasn’t even on the field, but I would not have wanted to be the goalie standing between that girl and the goal.”

The crowd cheers, and Nat does a double-take as she goes to pass the ball to Lottie.

“Woah, eight?”

Lottie rolls her eyes at the shit-eating grin on Nat’s face. “Don’t get cocky on me, Scatorccio.”

“I dunno. You were like a ‘rabid scoring machine’, I think it’s safe to say you were pretty worried.”

Lottie’s teasing eyes turn genuine. “Of course I was. You were in the hospital.”

Laura Lee coughs, and they go back to passing the ball around, running other drills, too, running, dribbling around cones, practicing shots on goal to get Van warmed up.

Coach Martinez gives them their starting line-up with Nat on the bench for “recovery”, but before she can think too much about that to get upset about it, Lottie’s holding out her arms for a team huddle, and all of their bodies are pressing up against each other.

“Alright, Yellowjackets.” She takes a breath. In. Out. “This is it. The last game, the finals, this is what we came here for. What all of them came here for.” She nods her head out at the crowds. “And it’s what the Panthers came here for. They’re good, but we can beat them. We did it yesterday in the semifinals, and we can do it again today. Especially now that we’re all together again.” Everyone smiles at Nat. “We’re ready, I can see it in all of you, we’re mentally and physically prepared to win. So let’s do it.”

Lottie puts her hand in the center of the circle, and she doesn’t move it an inch when Nat’s hand is the first to go down on top of hers. All of their hands move down and rebound up in sync as they chant, “Buzz, buzz, buzz,” and Nat can hear people in the crowd chanting too.

The announcers display their starting line-up with photos of her teammates as Nat finds her way to the bench for the start of the game, waving at Trisha and Natasha in the first row of the stands.

The Yellowjackets get into their starting positions. Lottie turns and blows Nat a kiss. The whistle blows, starting the final match of nationals. The Yellowjackets start with the ball, because Lottie was true to her form and won the coin toss. Tai passes to Akilah, who runs down towards the Panthers goalie. She passes to Shauna, who gets farther down and passes to Lottie. Lottie’s right there. She’s not offsides, she only has one defender on her tail, it’s the perfect line-up. Lottie shoots. The Panthers goalie dives and barely, just barely, brushes the ball into bouncing off the crossbar and going out of bounds instead of going into the goal.

Shit.

Nothing else interesting happens in the first fifteen minutes. Nat can feel herself starting to get antsy, watching the ball go back and forth, back and forth, oop, lose possession, get it back, back and forth.

After fifteen minutes, Lottie looks back at Natalie. Nat waves, and stillness comes over Lottie. The same one that comes over her right before she scores a goal. Tai can see it, too, and when Jackie passes her the ball, she nods to Lottie and starts running it up towards the Panthers goal. Lottie runs, too, getting herself in position, getting open. When Tai runs out of ways to sneak around the multiple players guarding her, she shoots the ball back to Laura Lee, who circles around and passes to Lottie.

Nat can hear the announcers calling the game, saying that Lottie looks “Poised to score,” and she has to agree. She can’t say that she’s surprised when Lottie gets the ball, lines up her shot, shoots, and sinks the ball into the net.

Goal.

Nat gets to her feet and cheers along with the crowd while Coach Martinez pumps his fist and shouts, “Yes!” 

Lottie points back at the crowd, at the bench, at Nat, and makes a heart with her hands. 

“Quite a specific message for someone out there, ” One of the announcers speculates, and Nat finds herself smirking.

Lottie, however, isn’t finished celebrating. She runs towards where the Yellowjackets on the field are mobbing together to celebrate, and does a flip. The crowd cheers, and the announcers ooh and aah.

“Matthews actually has... ah, thirteen it says here. Thirteen years of gymnastics experience under her belt.”

The celebration ends as they reset the field, the Panthers starting with the ball since they just got scored on. The Panthers are good. They won all of the games they played yesterday, except for the one against the Yellowjackets. On the surface, it seems like a pretty well matched final. Both teams won three of their games in the semifinal and lost one.

Currently, though, the Yellowjackets are winning 1-0, and with the time left in the first half quickly trickling down, it looks like they might end the first half leading the scoreboard.

The Yellowjackets play hard, and they play straight to the whistle, and it’s with proud exhaustion that they troop to the locker room, panting and taking long sips from their water bottles.

“This is it,” Lottie says, sitting next to Nat and wiping her sweat off with a towel. “If we get more goals in the second half, great, but if we can keep up our defense and Van, if you can keep on doing what you’re doing, if the game ended right now we would be national champions.”

That hits them all pretty hard, Nat can see their faces really absorbing the realization. They’re winning. At finals. At fucking nationals . And if they keep winning, the clock just has to run down. They would be champions. And not just state champions, like they already are. National fucking champions.

It’s crazy. Completely bonkers. But it’s also within reach. Not even out of their grasp, they already have a taste. They just have to hold on for forty-five more minutes to get the full meal.

“I feel good,” Nat blurts. “I want to play.”

Lottie nods. “Okay. I have a plan.”

Natalie smiles at the smirk on her girlfriend’s face. “Good.”

Nat takes her seat on the bench as the Yellowjackets head into the second half, shaking out her limbs and rolling her neck.

“Scatorccio,” Coach Martinez walks up to her, handing her a new water bottle. “Drink. Matthews told me about her plan, you’re good with that?”

Nat cracks the bottle open and takes a sip. “Yeah, I'm good with it.”

“Alright.” Coach Martinez nods, grinning. “Good. Sit, and get ready.”

“Yes, Coach.”

As the whistle blows to open the second half, the Yellowjackets are filled with renewed energy. Victory is at the horizon, and they’re swimming towards it as fast as they can. The Panthers are not going to go down without a fight, though, and they seem to be getting desperate, playing rougher in the second half than they did in the first.

Tripping Akilah right before she would have had a pretty good shot at scoring, holding Shauna by the arm to keep her from getting the ball, pulling on Tai’s jersey to steal possession, elbowing Lottie to take the ball.

The last one especially gets Nat’s blood boiling.

“Coach,” she says, voice low as she watches Lottie rub her side and wince. “I want to go in soon.”

He nods. “Go dribble a ball around, give it five minutes.”

Nat nods and gets to her feet. She’d rather get in the game right now, but if Coach Martinez wants her to play mind games for five minutes before he puts her in, she’s willing to do it. As long as she gets to play after those five minutes.

She dribbles in little circles around herself, kicks the ball a short distance then goes to get it, practices juggling. Looks as intimidating as she can manage with a big puffy bandage on her forehead.

After four minutes and thirty seconds, Laura Lee gets fouled. A Panther slides into her shins and sends her tumbling down after she’s passed the ball, making the contact illegal. While the clock’s stopped, Coach Martinez gets the attention of the ref, who nods, allowing the substitution.

“Scatorccio,” Coach Martinez says, looking back at her. “Get me another goal.”

Nat kicks the ball aside and races for the field, longing for the game, to feel her blood pulsing in her veins. “Yes, Coach.” She high fives Akilah as she runs off and takes her position, feeling a comfortable smile settle onto her lips.

“And Natalie Scatorccio is back in the game,” the announcer says excitedly. “Scatorccio scored the goal that got the Yellowjackets their state victory that brought them here with thirty seconds on the clock. Let’s see what she can do in fifteen minutes.”

Lottie looks at her, smirking as the eyes of the Panthers around them widen. Lottie's plan of waiting and then using Nat entering the game as intimidation seems to be working.

“Shauna,” Lottie says. “You take the free kick.”

Shauna nods and goes to where the ref has set down the ball. Laura Lee wasn’t fouled in the box, so they don’t get a shot right at goal, but they resume gameplay with possession where she was fouled.

“Responsible for fifteen assists this season alone and incredibly quick on her feet,  Shauna Shipman has been admitted to Brown University.”

If they hadn’t already known, the Yellowjackets would have dropped their formation and crowded around Shauna in celebration. Instead, Mari whoops and Jackie gets a proud smile on her face as Shauna looks up at the announcers booth, startled.

They quickly regain their focus when the whistle blows, Shauna tapping the ball to Tai, who taps it right back, Shauna speeding off towards the goal.

They’re intercepted, not managing to get the ball in the net this time around. Natalie’s blood is pounding, though, running in her veins, and she feels energized like she never has before. It’s only a matter of time.

Really, the set-up that she winds up getting is perfect. Mari gets the ball away from the Panthers striker and passes it to Laura Lee, who gets to mid-field and passes to Tai.

Nat says, “Tai,” and she nods in response, running up the side of the field with the ball, determination in her eyes.

The Panthers defenders are cautious of Natalie, but Lottie’s already scored on them and Tai is running at them with the ball, so she sort of falls off of their radar. It works out all the better for her when Tai passes her the ball out of nowhere and she has a clear shot at goal. She takes the tiniest look around, Tai, blocked, Lottie, blocked, nobody else close enough for reasonable consideration. The shot is Natalie’s. 

She looks back at the goal, hearing the announcers state some statistics about how the Panthers goalie only allowed three goals their entire season, but she dismisses  it. Lottie scored five goals on them yesterday.

She lines up her shot and kicks.

The Panthers goalie dives.

The ball slips between her fingers and bounces into the net.

Fucking goal.

Nat runs straight to Lottie. The hug quickly becomes a group hug as Tai throws herself into the mix, and then everyone’s in the mass, laughing and cheering.  As they disperse, Lottie has a playful look in her eyes.

“Ready?” she asks.

Nat raises an eyebrow. She has no idea what’s coming. But she trusts Lottie. Trusts her wholeheartedly, with anything, with everything. Trusts her enough to say, “Yes.”

“Good. Hold your core.” Then Lottie puts her hands on Nat’s waist, bends, then throws Nat in the air, catching her in her hands.

Natalie wobblies, unaccustomed to being a flier and not possessing the training to really know how to ‘hold her core’, but Lottie’s strong enough to hold her up by herself for five seconds or so before she bounces Nat again, throws her up in the air, and sets her down, hands back on her waist.

“Holy shit,” Nat says, as the crowd and announcers go wild.

Lottie just smirks at her, and they go back to their starting positions as the field resets post-goal.

2-0. 

The remaining five minutes are a blur. The more the time ticks down, the quicker the seconds seem to trickle by. The Panthers are struggling, making play after desperate play, but it’s  not getting them anywhere. The swarm of Yellowjackets are toying with them, passing the ball back and forth, just passing the time until the clock hits zero.

This time, Nat plays until the whistle. She has the ball as the time remaining on the clock hits ten seconds, dribbles around and pulls some tricks around a frustrated defender. With one second on the clock, she passes the ball to Lottie. The whistle blows while the ball is in mid-air, and Lottie doesn’t ever receive the pass. The second the whistle blows she’s running to Natalie and Natalie’s running to Lottie. The impact when they smack into each other grounds her, but not as much as Lottie’s lips on hers.

She forgets everything else when she’s kissing Lottie. She can hear the crowd cheering, her teammates screaming, the announcers spluttering shocked words, but all of it fades away when their lips crash together, the taste of sweat fading as Nat just absorbs Lottie .

“We won,” Nat whispers, nose pressed against Lottie’s.

“We did,” Lottie says, grinning against Nat’s lips.

They break apart, but nothing really breaks, they’re just parting temporarily. Their hands are linked as they join the pack of Yellowjackets on the field, chanting, “Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!”

“America, meet your national high school soccer champions, the New Jersey Wiskayok High School Yellowjackets!”

They won.

They fucking won.

.

NATIONAL EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

11:31 am

jackie
the number of ppl messaging me rn on the various social meeds and i have absolutely NO IDEA who they are or i simply COULD NOT CARE LESS

shauna
you think that’s hard??
randy walsh is spamming me 

van
noooo shauna im so sorry

lottie
are we not going to talk about ‘social meeds’

jackie
no

Tai
That sounds like something you would say, Babe.

van
idk what we’re talking about
lottie and nat are blocked rn bc they ruined my chance to soft launch their relationship

shauna
lmaoooo that’s why???

van
i was really excited :( 

lottie
sorry that i love my girlfriend or whatever

nat
fr
god forbid we be happy
besides i think the hard launch was funnier twitter is losing its SHIT

van
Tai will you break up with me please.
i need us to have a getting back together arc so i can soft launch SOMEBODIES relationship

Tai
Do you actually want to fuck around and find out?

van
NO
baby i love you
please
tai
please

mari
aaaagghh omg
my moms are in love :DD 

.

Lottie keeps eyeing her in the suit as they take photos at the awards ceremony.

“You like the suit, huh?” She teases, moving her lips as little as possible as cameras flash and reporters call out different names, request different poses, different girls to pose together.

“You wore it to prom when we went together,” Lottie says, like Nat should know this already. “Obviously it’s hot.”

“Oh, it’s hot, huh?”

“You suck, you know that?”

“Yeah, and I’m your girlfriend, so you’re the one who’s stuck with me.”

Lottie pulls her in close. “Nobody I’d rather be stuck with.”

Distantly, a photographer is complimenting their pose and snapping photos, but Natalie doesn’t care. She puts her hand on Lottie’s waist, while Lottie fixes the pink carnation in her lapel.

“‘Stuck’? I’d like to think we would choose kinder words, Lottie.”

She rolls her eyes and smiles for the cameras as more photographers shout.

They’re the last two to be released, the most buzz surrounding their names as the strikers and the two who kissed at the final whistle.

“How’s your fanclub?” Jackie teases as her and Lottie slide into their seats late, they're already calling the third place winners. There’s not a trace of jealousy on her face, just happiness.

“Annoying. I can’t wait to be done with the glitz and cameras.”

They announce the Panthers as the national second place overall winners and the Yellowjackets clap politely.

“And now. High school girls soccer of America, I give you your national champions, the New Jersey Yellowjackets!”

The girls jump to their feet to celebrate, cheering as their teammates' names are called and they all walk up onto the stage one at a time. 

“Charlotte Matthews.”

Lottie walks up onto the stage, beaming, and Nat cheers loudest of all. They’re going in alphabetical order, so Van goes up next to raucous applause. 

“Natalie Scatorccio.”

Lottie jumps up and down onstage in her dress and heels as she cheers. Van makes room for Nat to squish in between her and Lottie. They link hands and cheer as Shauna, Jackie, and Tai are called up. The head board director hands Lottie the trophy.

“Your national champions, the Wiskayok High School Yellowjackets.”

They smile for the cameras one more time then go back to their seats, Lottie holding the trophy over her head. It goes in a spot of honor at the center of their table after they all take turns gaping at it and passing it around, taking selfies with it.

“And now, for our National Championship scholarship winner.” Lottie glances at Nat, pressing her lips together to conceal her smile. The same board director that handed Lottie their trophy steps up to the microphone as the projection slideshow behind him adjusts to show pictures of past scholarship winners. “Every year, we give $100,000 to one student, one player, who we think deserves it the most. That student has to show drive, keep playing hard even in hard times, and our winner this year has certainly seen hard times and certainly has displayed the ability and drive that we require of our scholarship winners.” The man clears his throat. “So, without further ado, it is my honor to present this year's National Championship scholarship to… Natalie Scatorccio.”

The table erupts in screams. Tai, Van, Jackie, Shauna, Mari, everyone looking at her, screaming, beaming, jumping up and down in pride. Jackie starts to cry while Van puts her hands behind her head, circling the table in shock. Tai hovers right next to Natalie, just saying, “Oh my God. Oh my God,” over and over again and Shauna rubs Jackie’s back while she hugs Mari, who’s also started to cry.

Only Lottie stays calm, but even she’s shedding a tear, beaming in pride. She looks at Nat, mouthing ‘Go.’

Like she’s on autopilot, feeling like she’s watching from above while someone else walks up onto the stage, Nat gets up and goes.

“Thank you,” she tells the board director, feeling shocked even though she knew it was coming. He nods, smiling at her.

“Well deserved.”

A large cardboard check is put in her hands and a microphone is stuck in front of her face.

“Speech!” 

Fucking Mari.

It catches on, though, and the Yellowjackets repeat it over and over again, chanting “Speech” until Nat steps up to the microphone.

“Hi. Um. I want to say thanks, I guess, to all the people working for the girls national soccer championships that decided to give their money to me out of all the amazing, talented people here. And thanks to my team, national champs. You’re always there for me when I need support, and I love you guys.”

Her table cheers, they hold up the trophy.

Natalie finds her in the crowd without even trying, her eyes find Lottie, like a magnet the way they’re attracted to each other. Lottie holds a hand over her heart, and Nat can feel her resolve slipping.

“And thank you, most of all, to Lottie. Lot… it’s been hard. Getting to know you, getting us to where we are. But it’s so worth it, and you are the most incredible person I will ever know. Thank you. For believing in me, encouraging me, proving to me, more than anyone ever has, that…” She can feel tears of her own bubbling. “That I am worthy of love. You are, too, and I love you so much. And lastly, thank you, Lottie, for getting me called to the principal’s office just so you could get the opportunity to check me out up close. And maybe get to know me. Thank you.” 

She hears the crowd as she walks off the stage, looks at the faces she walks past, which are happy, mouths open as they cheer, hands clapping. But none of it really sets in until she reaches her table, sees her friends, Lottie rushing toward her and enveloping her in a huge hug.

Lottie finds her in the crowd, and they lock hands. She smiles, and Natalie smiles back, finally free, finally allowing herself to be happy.

Lottie mouths, ‘I love you, too.’

The next day, on the flight back to Wiskayok, Nat sits with Lottie and falls sound asleep on her shoulder, and she feels deeply, rewardingly happy .

.

NATIONAL EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

4:24 pm

mari
moooooms
im bored

akilah
me toooo
OOH
moms can we have a playdate

van
it’s okay with me if it’s okay with your mom

Tai
It’s okay with me if it’s okay with Mari’s parents.

mari
moooooms
can me and akilah have a playdate
moooms
MOMS
guys :( 

jackie
aren’t they. on an airplane rn

van
oh yeah. probably on airplane mode
sorry kids. next time

mari
awww :( 

akilah
awwwww :(((

van
anybody up for ice cream?

akilah
YES

mari
ME ME ME

van
that’s what i thought

.

“Nat.” Something nudges her shoulder. “Nat, wake up.”

She flits an eye open and grunts, hiding in the warmth next to her from the brightness. A familiar laugh bubbles into her ears, and lips press a kiss to the top of her head.

“Come on, Sleepyhead. We’re here.”

Nat opens her eyes to dark hair. She looks up and sees kind brown eyes, lips stretched into a fond, familiar smile. So stunning.

Nat presses a brief kiss to her lips. “Hey.”

Lottie wrinkles her nose at Nat. “Hi.”

She’s kissed Lottie a lot over the past few months, but the effect is just the same. She feels warm, cozy, and electric all at the same time, fireworks going off in her body whenever Lottie’s lips brush her skin.

They gather their bags from beneath the seats in front of them and the overhead compartment, walking with their hands linked outside and to where the train will take them from LAX to UCLA's main campus.

They scoot closer together until their thighs touch, and Lottie offers her an airpod and Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and Lucy Dacus serenade them as they ride to their new beginning, bags full of dried flowers and memories, hearts full of love.

.

NATIONAL EFFING CHAMPIONS mother effing yellowjackets

11:03 pm

jackie
holy shit
how am i just now noticing that lottie changed her pfp

van
YOU MEAN ITS NOT JULIEN BAKER ANYMORE?????

jackie
no!!!

van
that’s wild
i never thought i’d see the day that lotties pfp wasn't julien baker

jackie
idk this kinda makes sense
it’s a picture of her and nat

van
ohhhhhh
yeah that makes sense

lottie
the sacrifices i make

nat
i didnt ask you to do that

lottie
its so hard having such a high maintenance girlfriend guys </3

nat
.

Tai
Nat got Lottie boygenius tickets for her birthday.

lottie
TEEHEE IM SO EXCITED

jackie
ooohhhhh that makes sense

nat
oh
that’s what this is about

lottie
second-best gift i’ve ever been given ily baby

nat
SECOND best??????
who i gotta fight 🤺🤺🤺

lottie
first best is the flowers you got for me at nationals

nat
damn
out-rizzed myself

van
lmaoooo

mari
i love my moms

lottie
im sorry honey you cant come to boygenius with us

mari
FUCK 😢😢😢

nat
maybe if you got a partner of your own…

lottie
nat leave her be

nat
just saying!

mari
i actually have been talking to that girl on the volleyball team

nat
AWWWWW
pro tip: don’t get her bleeding hearts

lottie
:/