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Chapter Text

Kings Cross Station was louder than Remus remembered. The air was filled with a cacophony of sounds—whistles blowing, the chattering of travelers, the shuffle of luggage against the tiled floor. Wizards and muggles alike filled the station, a blur of activity as families scurried to catch their trains before departure. The thin boy stumbled as a large muggle family pushed past him towards platform ten, but a strong hand gripped his shoulder, steadying him. He looked up to the warm brown eyes and kind smile of his father, returning his gaze with a slight grimace.

"Alright, Remus?" Lyall asked. Remus just nodded.

He could feel a seed of anxiety plant itself firmly in his chest. Remus chewed the inside of his cheek until he tasted iron. He had hoped that returning to Kings Cross station, surrounding himself with people and the excitement of returning to Hogwarts, would warm the cold chill that had begun to envelop him over the past summer.

Sure, his transformations had grown more aggressive and his body was marred by new scars which reflected that. And sure, he felt so uncomfortable in his skin that he couldn't look at his reflection without feeling bile rise to the back of his throat. And maybe he had begun to worry that the other marauders no longer cared for him, no longer wanted him around, since he hadn't received any letters from his friends that summer. But the hope that returning to Hogwarts would solve all of his problems still lingered.

He had been excited to get back to his studies and the warmth of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He had been even more excited to see his friends again, to surround himself with the reliable comfort of their brotherhood. Yet, as they approached platform nine and three quarters, Remus couldn't fight the anxiety that took root deep in his chest. He could feel it grow, feel the tendrils as they dug through his lungs, climbed his spine, penetrated his heart. 

There were too many sounds. Too many smells. Too many people. When the small family walked through the brick wall and onto the magical platform, a thick hum of magic in the air overwhelmed his senses. He felt nauseous. 

As they finally neared the stationary train, Remus turned rapidly on his heel and faced his parents. 

"I should probably get on the train now," he said quickly.

Remus didn't want to stand on the platform any longer than necessary. There were too many faces he recognized, too many people who might stare at his marred skin. The overwhelming number of sounds and smells and people- it was all making his ears ring.

"I want to get ahead on some readings for Potions before we get to Hogwarts. If I don't pass my O.W.L.s this year, I-" Remus trailed off.

He wasn't sure it would make much of a difference whether or not he passed his O.W.L.s. He probably wouldn't be able to get a stable job in the wizarding world regardless of his intellectual ability, thanks to his furry little problem. 

Remus' thoughts were disrupted by a warm hand on his cheek. He glanced up and met Hope Lupin's soft gaze as she ran a thumb over the jagged scar that cut its way across his jaw and down his neck. He tried to ignore the flood of tears that threatened her eyes. 

"Please take care of yourself, love," Hope said gently. "Make sure you eat three meals a day. And please, try to get some sleep, Remus. You've looked so tired these past few weeks."

He couldn't ignore the way her voice cracked as he was pulled into a tight hug. The smell of honey cake and lavender filled his nose, forcing a heavy sigh from his chest. The tendrils of anxiety loosened, slightly, as he let himself get lost in the feeling of his mother's warmth one last time. 

As he pulled away, Remus felt his fathers hand clap onto his shoulder once again.

"Write to us if you're having a hard time, Remus. We're just an owl away." Lyall pulled his son into a quick hug, leaving a small handful of sickles in his palm as he pulled away. 

"And get yourself a treat from the trolley. You need to put some more meat on those bones," Lyall said, patting his head. Remus tried to return a smile, but his lips felt tight as they stretched across his face. He ducked away from his father's hand.

"Right. Thanks, Da. Mum. I'll send you an owl when I get settled in."

His grimace morphed into something that almost resembled a genuine smile at the thought of getting settled back into his dormitory. The comfort of Gryffindor tower. The warmth of being surrounded by his friends. The thought that he would soon be around the exuberant energy of James, Sirius, and Peter brought a gentle flutter of excitement to his chest. He could almost ignore the anxiety twisting around his stomach. Almost.

At that, he turned away from his parents and boarded the train, heavy luggage in tow. 

Their usual compartment was empty. It was still early in the morning, a few hours before the train was meant to leave, so the majority of the compartments were still vacant. Most of the other young wizards were still gathered on the platform with their families and some hadn't even arrived at the station yet. He lifted his luggage onto the rack above with the help of a charm and started getting settled in.

Remus traded out the dress shirt his mother had encouraged him to wear in favor of a worn sweater that hung loosely from his frame and pulled a copy of Moste Potente Potions from his luggage, thumbing deftly through the pages. He glanced out the window of the compartment, searching through the crowd for a glimpse of his parents. When Remus was satisfied that they had left the station by that point, he pulled the screen down over the window and dragged the curtains across the compartment doors before setting to work.

The charm that he pulled across the edges of the compartment wasn't particularly difficult. It was one that James had taught him during third year, when the boys decided to set up dungbombs in the girls dormitory. The charm had contained the stench to the girls' room, preventing the smell from leaking out down the stairs and into the common room. Remus decided it would be particularly helpful in hiding one of his newest summer habits while he was at Hogwarts. Once he was satisfied with the security of the charm, he pulled a tightly rolled blunt from his pocket and set it to his lips, lighting the tip with another charm.

Remus felt the seed of anxiety that had taken root in his chest begin to unravel as the first puff of smoke filled his lungs. He blew a cloud back out into the compartment, a satisfied sigh leaving his lips. It had been difficult to hide his smoking habits from his parents that summer. His neighbor- a muggle boy called Eric who stayed in Newport with his grandparents each summer- had brought some with him from Cardiff. He had been quick to share with the other teenagers on the block and Remus had taken a particular liking to the muggle drug. It burned away at the cold blanket that had begun to suffocate him, silencing the cruel voices and leaving behind a dull and satisfying sense of nothingness within his head.

That summer, his parents had begun to watch his every move with painstaking care and attention. It wasn't exactly without reason, although Remus felt they had become excessively overbearing by the end of August. Their caution had started after the first full moon of the season. June 23rd, 1975 brought with it the most agonizing transformation Remus had ever experienced. He had woken at dawn with his throat raw from hours of hopeless screaming and howling. The cement floor of the secure basement had been sticky and hot beneath him. Despite the immense pain coursing through his torso, Remus had been unable to move his arms or legs. This had been especially concerning, since Remus' nose had been pressed hard against the floor in a thick puddle of blood.

He faintly remembered the feeling of blood bubbling around his nose as he struggled to breathe. It had taken him just a little too long to realize that the source of all the blood was his torn abdomen. His vision had gone dark as he heard the distant cries of his mother calling out to someone. His father? God? Remus wasn't sure. His eyes opened days later to the bright white lights of St. Mungo's, and it was another three weeks before Remus was able to sleep in his own bed again. 

The night he returned home, in the comfort of his own room, Remus had his first panic attack. They were mild at first. A glance in the mirror, eyes drawn to the jagged scars across his jaw and neck, would trigger a fit of heavy breathing and dizziness. His mother's aching gaze at his back would cause his hands to shake, and he'd bite his cheek until it bled to stop the tremors. Even the feeling of a full stomach, the pressure of food against his abdomen, made him so nauseous that he could barely make it to the toilet in time to force the meal from his throat. The next rapidly approaching full moon meant nights filled with terror fits and heavy sobs. He had spent most of July and August at St. Mungo's as well.

The warmth of the muggle drug filling his lungs eased the tremors to a degree. Remus had quickly learned to avoid mirrors, food, and his mother's watchful gaze. He spent most nights up late smoking with the other muggle boys, and the night terrors bothered him less. 

Remus took another drag of the blunt he had rolled a few days prior. The pain he had undergone that summer just barely outweighed the experience of each morning he spent waiting for an owl from the other marauders. He had sent them each short letters at the beginning of the break, just before the full moon of June, letting them know how much he missed them. How he'd hoped they would all be able to meet up during that summer. That his mother said they could stay for a week in July if they'd like to come visit him in Newport.

As the weeks passed without reply, he had contemplated writing to each of the boys again. Reminding them that he was there, that he existed, and that he missed them so very much. But he didn't want to be a bother. They must have been busy, he had rationalized. By the end of July, Remus had stopped waiting by the window each morning and instead spent each dawn smoking on the river with his muggle 'friends.' He could hardly call them friends, but sometimes he did anyway. 

After Remus put out the blunt and shoved the remaining half back in his bag, he used yet another charm to wave away the stench of weed from the compartment. As much as he loved the thick smell, he didn't want the other marauders to know too much about his new habit. He wasn't sure how they felt about muggle drugs, after all. He waived his wand and the curtains drew away from the doors and window of the compartment. The train was beginning to fill up. Students bustled down the tight corridor to their respective seats. First years peered into each compartment with anxious eyes, trying to find an empty space to call their own. 

Remus wondered distantly what time it was. Most importantly, he wondered where the other marauders were. But he allowed the nervous thoughts to dissipate in the fog that clouded his brain. He pulled up his copy of Moste Potente Potions and skimmed the first few pages until he felt his eyelids drop slowly over his eyes. He let himself fall asleep with the back of his head to the window and his knees drawn up to his chest, thin frame drowned by the old sweater that covered his hands and exposed the sharp edges of his collarbones. 

Hushed whispers made their way to his ears as Remus began to stir. He kept his eyes closed as he came to, trying to recall where he was. The train was moving now, the soft rumble of its wheels against the tracks a familiar feeling against his back. The hushed sound of a familiar voice brought a small smile to his lips, prompting Remus to crack an eye open.

Three boys were hunched forward in the compartment, huddled around each other in fevered conversation. James Potter's attempt at whispering sounded more like muttered yelling and Remus just barely managed to catch the tail end of what he was saying. 

"-not ready yet, we can't tell him. We have to make sure it's foolproof."

James' hair was a bit longer than it had been at the end of last term, a mess of tangled dark hair curling around his ears and under the frames of his glasses. The boy's brown skin was darker, from what Remus assumed had been weeks spent under the hot summer sun, and he had put on some weight that balanced out the extra inches he had grown in height. His voice was deeper too, no longer cracking under the weight of puberty. 

A much quieter voice squeaked out of the blonde boy next to him. Peter had also put on some weight that summer as well, although he hadn't grown much taller. His face was slightly pink, round cheeks flushed as his hands splayed out dramatically alongside his whispers. 

"I don't think he'll like it," Peter mumbled. "I mean, what if he hates it? We might have wasted the whole summer-"

"Shut it, Wormy." 

Remus allowed his eyes to open fully as he took in the familiar voice. Sirius was sitting just in front of him, on the seat they shared, with his elbows propped up on his knees. His chin rested on a hand adorned by various silver rings. Remus couldn't help but notice how long his dark hair had gotten over the past few months. It curled down his neck, only stopping just above his exposed collarbones and framing his sharp jaw and aristocratic features beautifully. His skin was clear and pale as porcelain, as if he hadn't stepped a foot outside during the break.

Sirius had grown over the summer as well. He wasn't necessarily much taller, although he must have grown at least a couple inches, but his shoulders had broadened from the once slim frame Remus was so accustomed to. His dress shirt was tight around his biceps, the front unbuttoned just enough to show a scattering of hair on his chest. Remus tried to suppress the flush that curled up his neck and warmed his cheeks. 

"Of course he'll like it," Sirius said. "Moony-" 

Remus blinked rapidly as stormy gray eyes glanced up to meet his. The other marauders looked up as Sirius broke off mid-sentence, and suddenly all eyes were on him. Remus felt as if a rock had magically lodged its way into his throat. The effects of the lovely muggle herb still clouded his mind, but he couldn't help the jolt of anxiety that surged through his body. He felt as if he had intruded on a very private conversation. 

Sirius' face split into a massive grin. "Moony! You're awake!" 

The anxiety dissipated slightly as the other marauders' faces lit up. Remus allowed himself a hesitant smile in response to his friends' excitement.

"Hullo."

Remus was suddenly enveloped by a much-needed hug from the other boys. His face was shoved between James' shoulder and Sirius' neck, Peter's hair tickling his forehead. He tried not to linger too long on the faint smell of cigarettes, coconut, and sage clinging to Sirius' hair. There was another scent there too, something similar to that of a wet dog, but Remus was quickly distracted by James' loud voice in his ears. 

"Moony, you're so bony," James laughed, grabbing his shoulders. "I thought you were lanky enough last year. How tall are you now? I've grown at least three inches in the past three months. I think I might be the tallest of us now. You're my only real competition." 

Sirius snorted at that. "It's not a competition, mate. You're six foot two. You're a bloody giant." 

Remus tried to force down the flush that crept back up his neck.

"Dunno. You're probably taller than me now. Don't think I've made it past six foot yet." He knew exactly how tall he was, thanks to his many trips to St. Mungo's that summer. But he feigned ignorance for the sake of conversation. 

"You're lying. You must be at least a few inches taller." James stood up quickly, dragging Remus up with him. "Sirius, c'mon. Is he as tall as me?" 

Remus swallowed hard as Sirius stood next to him, shoulder to shoulder. Sirius was nearly as tall as him now, much to his surprise. Remus had been the tallest of the marauders when they left Hogwarts for the summer. He tried to ignore the crease that formed between Sirius' eyebrows as he gave Remus a once-over. 

"Prongs, Moony is right. I'm five ten and our shoulders are almost level. Remus is a good two or three inches shorter than you at least." 

Sirius tried to meet Remus' eyes as James cheered loudly, punching his fists in the air.

"You been alright this summer, Moony?" he whispered, so very close to the side of his face. 

Remus bit his cheek and nodded a little too aggressively. "All good. Great, actually." He sat quickly, hiding himself in the bulk of his sweater. He directed his attention to James, trying to ignore the feeling of Sirius' eyes on him as the other boy sat beside him.

"So... Prongs? That's new. What's that supposed to mean?"

James' cheering stopped abruptly at that. His eyes darted between Sirius and Peter, like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. "Uhm.."

"Oh, he stabbed himself with a fork this summer." Peter chimed in excitedly. He seemed a little too proud of himself. Remus could see Sirius glaring daggers at the smaller boy from the corner of his eye. 

Remus nodded hesitantly. "Right." The silence that settled over the compartment couldn't be described as anything other than awkward. 

"You know me," James chuckled as he sat across from Remus. "I'm just so clumsy. Thought I was stabbing Mum's roast, but I guess I missed. It was Wo-Pete's idea to, uh, call me Prongs. 'Cause I stabbed myself with a fork. I figured if you get a nickname, I should get one too, right? Actually, maybe we should all have nicknames. I mean, it's not that weird. I feel like Prongs is a good nickname actually." He rambled on.

Sirius dragged a hand down his face and let out a heavy sigh. "Right. Well, how was your summer, Moony? Haven't heard from you in months." 

Remus looked away from the gray eyes that stared intently at him. His lip twitched involuntarily as he remembered the letter that he had sent Sirius earlier that summer. The letter he had never received a reply to. 

"Fine," he said shortly. "Just hung out with Mum and Dad. Met up with a few muggle friends. Spent some time at St. Mungo's. The usual." Remus flinched as the last few words slipped out of his mouth. He couldn't ignore the feeling of three pairs of eyes staring at him. He looked up at the concerned face of the boy in front of him.

"St. Mungo's? Was it that bad?" James said quietly. Remus desperately wished he could take another hit of the blunt he had tucked away in his luggage.

"A little. I dunno. It was fine," he mumbled. He tucked his hands into the sleeves of his sweater in an attempt to hide the tremor that had begun to threaten his fingertips. Remus flinched away as Sirius' hand suddenly came up to the side of his face, faintly tracing over the edge of the new scar that dragged its way across his jaw.

"It was bad, wasn't it, Remus?" 

He flinched again. Sirius didn't often call him by his name, especially after the boys had discovered his affliction and subsequently coined his nickname in third year. When he didn't reply, Sirius kept speaking. 

"You look like you haven't slept in weeks. I haven't seen you look this bad since you caught dragon pox the same weekend as that full moon last October." 

Remus knew that Sirius didn't mean for the observation to come across the way it did. But he also couldn't help feeling insulted. Betrayed, even. Not only had his friends ignored him for the last three months, but now they were telling him he looked like shit while they all came back from summer break looking like they had been blessed by Merlin himself. 

His hands were shaking. Remus dug his nails into his palms in an attempt to stop the tremors, but that only made it worse. He looked up at Sirius.

"I'm fine." The words felt forced as they left his lips. He took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. When the tremors eased a little, Remus cleared his throat.

"Anyways, I'll have Madam Pomfrey to make sure I'm okay."

James nodded his head. "Poppy will fix you right up. She's way better than the healers at St. Mungo's." He was trying to lighten the mood. Remus wanted so desperately for it to work.

"Plus, you'll have us now!" Peter grinned. "We'll take care of you. I've brought more than enough chocolates to get you through term." 

James scoffed. "You've brought enough chocolates to kill a dozen dogs." Remus watched him stare pointedly at Sirius and the three boys laughed. Remus wasn't really sure why.

Sirius kicked James and turned back towards Remus with a dazzling smile. He had missed that.

"I'll take notes for you while you're in the hospital wing." Sirius stared at him, gray eyes impossibly bright. "And I promise that I'll actually take notes this time. We'll make sure you're alright, Moony." The other boys nodded.

Remus let out a soft laugh and the tension in the compartment finally seemed to dissipate. 

"With you lot to take care of me? Of course I'll be alright."

Chapter Text

His first few weeks back at Hogwarts had been blissfully uneventful. Since most of his time was spent in class, at the library doing schoolwork, or at Gryffindor tower with his friends, Remus was beginning to feel more like himself. The cool September weather of the Scottish Highlands was oddly nostalgic. Being surrounded by his friends, students, professors, and the warm hum of magic that filled the air around Hogwarts made Remus feel as if he was being enveloped in a warm, cozy blanket. The cruel voices in his head were quiet for the first time in months.

The marauders were quick to pick up some of their old routines. James and Sirius spent their early mornings on the Quidditch pitch, while Remus and Peter enjoyed their late mornings sleeping in. The four boys often met up in the Great Hall for breakfast, their conversations mostly consisting of James swooning over how beautiful Lily Evans had gotten over the past summer, Peter moaning over another essay he was struggling with-and Remus quickly refusing to write it for him- or Sirius throwing out ideas of how they could prank the new Slytherin first years.

The boys spent most of their afternoons in class together, paired up in Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Potions. Remus only had one free period away from the other marauders. James had decided to take Astronomy that year, not because of his own interest in the topic, but because Lily Evans was invested in the class and he knew it was yet another opportunity to spend time in her presence. Peter had joined him, figuring Astronomy would be easy enough to pass and, well, he generally just followed James around anyways. Sirius spent that time getting some extra practice in at the Quidditch pitch, determined to beat Slytherin in the Quidditch Cup after their loss the previous year.

Remus wasn't too upset about having the extra time to himself, especially since he spent that free time indulging in his favorite habit. He would slip away after Potions to wander across the grounds, often settling behind the greenhouses to light a joint and enjoy the cool afternoon breeze. He had just enough time to head back to the dormitory and shower before the boys would meet up at the Great Hall for dinner.

Despite Sirius' dedication to planning out pranks during mealtimes, he picked up on Remus' poor eating habits surprisingly early in the term. Remus thought he had been good at hiding it, scooping healthy portions of food on his plate only to push it around and act like he was eating while the other boys were talking. But, at the end of the first week, he noticed Sirius staring at his plate by the end of each meal with an odd expression on his face. Remus was just grateful that he didn't bring any of the other boys' attention to the matter.

Eventually, Sirius began to nudge Remus during meals when he wasn't eating enough, pointing out a particularly good looking tart or putting an extra bread roll on his plate when Remus was looking away. While he was grateful for the gesture, the extra food he ate at each meal still made him feel sick. Remus had spent several of those first few nights in the bathroom, desperate to get rid of the feeling of his stretched abdomen. He didn't think Sirius noticed the extra time he spent in their shared bathroom, but Sirius was quick to change his method of getting Remus to eat more food. 

Instead of urging Remus to eat a larger quantity of food during each meal, Sirius began looking for any excuse to seek him out throughout the day and share snacks with him. If he was in the library, Sirius would suddenly appear saying he needed Remus' motivation to study. Not even five minutes into their study session, he would silently pull out a pair of pumpkin pasties that the boys would then share. During Charms, he'd pull out a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and start snacking on them, giving Remus a handful every few minutes. At night, before the boys had showered and brushed their teeth, Sirius would flop down at the end of Remus' bed where he was reading and wordlessly hand him a chocolate frog. When Remus tried to protest, asking where he had gotten the chocolate, Sirius would let out a sly grin and gesture to Peter's side of the room. 

"Pete has a stash hidden under his bed. I reckon he won't notice if we take a couple." 

Remus couldn't bring himself to argue with Sirius over the matter. After all, he did love chocolate frogs. And Peter probably wouldn't notice if a few went missing.

"Moony?" Sirius asked quietly one night. Remus was sitting in bed reading a book, Sirius sprawled across the end of his bed sucking on a sugar quill. It was just the two of them in the dormitory. James had gone down to the common room earlier in the evening to pester Lily, and Peter had joined him to chat with the other Gryffindor girls.

"Yes?" Remus acknowledged without looking up from his book.

"Can I ask you something?"

Remus smiled and looked up at the other boy. Sirius was laying on his back, staring at the canopy above the bed. His dark hair was splayed out across the quilt, one hand resting on his stomach while his other hand hovered over the edge of the bed. Remus' eyes flicked down to the sugar quill in Sirius' mouth, watching the way his cheeks hollowed as he sucked on the treat. He glanced away quickly, cheeks flushed.

"You just did." 

Sirius grinned and smacked his leg playfully. "You're such a cunt. You know what I meant."

Remus laughed and closed his book, folding the corner of the page to save his place and placing it on the table beside his bed. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and propping his chin on his knees as he looked back at Sirius. 

"What's up?"

Sirius watched him for a moment, pondering his words. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he spoke. 

"What happened this summer?" He asked.

Remus stared at him. He felt his stomach drop, and he swallowed hard in an attempt to push down the nausea that rose to his throat.

"What do you mean?" 

Sirius rolled his eyes and huffed, looking back up at the canopy. "You know what I mean, Remus. You've been... different. Since we came back this term." He glanced back at Remus and sat up a little at the distraught look on the other boy's face.

"Not in a bad way!" He hurried to correct himself. Sirius sighed and pulled himself up to sit in front of Remus, legs crossed. "It's just..." He began twisting his hair mindlessly as he tried to find the right words. 

"You seem more like yourself now than you did at the start of term," Sirius started slowly. "But ever since we got back from summer break, you've hardly been eating. And you've been more... quiet. Sometimes it seems like you're not even fully there when we're talking to you. I dunno. Did something happen?"

Remus refused to look back up at Sirius, staring at his hands as he picked at his fingers. He hadn't expected any of the other marauders to notice. Ever since they returned to Hogwarts, Remus had almost convinced himself that he was back to his normal old self. Sure, he spent his free time hiding away by the greenhouses smoking, subsequently high most afternoons when he was finished with classes. And he wasn't quite as involved with planning pranks as he had been in previous years. But he was eating more. He felt less crushed by anxiety too. At least, most of the time. 

Sirius was watching him intently. When Remus didn't respond, he reached out and placed a gentle hand over Remus' to stop the nervous picking. 

"Remus." Light brown eyes met stormy gray. 

"Sirius," Remus whispered.

"You can talk to me. You know that, right?"

Remus' breath caught in his throat. He scrunched his nose, trying to force away the tears that suddenly flooded his eyes. He sniffled softly and looked across the room at the moonlight streaming through the window.

"Why didn't you write back to me this summer?"

Sirius' eyebrows knitted together. "What?"

Remus pulled his hands away from Sirius and looked up at him again. Anger replaced the anxiety that was rooted in his chest and he gritted his teeth in an attempt to calm himself down.

"I wrote to you all in June. James, Peter, and you. But none of you wrote back. Why didn't you send me an owl? Even just a short letter, I-" Remus broke off, angry tears beginning to spill down his cheeks. 

"Why didn't you write back to me?"

Sirius' eyebrows raised and his mouth opened silently. He tugged at his hair again and closed his mouth quickly, looking away in what Remus could only assume was shame. 

"I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize that we..." Sirius sighed in frustration. "I completely forgot to answer you, with everything going on this summer I just-"

"What, Sirius? You just, what? Forgot about me? You all forgot about me for the entire summer?" Remus sniffled. He dragged the sleeves of his sweater across his eyes in a hurried attempt to stop the swell of tears that continued down his cheeks.

"No!" Sirius jumped forward, grabbing Remus' wrists and pulling his hands away from his face.

"Moony, we didn't forget you at all! That's quite literally the opposite of what happened. We were just so busy-"

"Busy doing what!" He asked incredulously.

"The three of you have been whispering to yourselves ever since we got back, about who knows what, and you won't tell me what the bloody hell it is. You all have these stupid nicknames for each other that make no sense, and you keep trying to hide them from me. Why does James call you Padfoot? What the hell is a Wormtail? And that stupid excuse of a reason that Peter made for whatever the hell Prongs means- it all just doesn't make any sense!" 

Remus tried pulling his arms away from Sirius' grasp, but the other boy kept his grip tight. "Moony-"

"Don't call me that!" Remus snapped. He pulled himself away from Sirius so hard that his hand smacked against the headboard of his bed. Sirius flinched at the sound. 

"Remus," he begged. "Remus, I want to tell you what we were doing this summer, I really do, but I just can't yet. I promised James and Peter that we'd make sure it was perfect before we told you. Please, you just- I just need you to trust me. We didn't forget you, I swear Remus." 

Sirius shrunk under Remus' furious gaze.

"I don't trust you, Sirius." He hissed. "How could I trust you right now? You didn't write to me all summer, you didn't even try to come see me, and now you're telling me that you and James and Peter hung out all summer and you can't even tell me why you didn't think to invite me." 

"Please, Remus, if you could just try to understand for a second-"

"Sirius, I almost died this summer. I spent weeks at St. Mungo's while you all fucked around and had the time of your life. I get it, okay? I get that my... affliction is hard to deal with. I know it's hard to be friends with me when I'm ill half of the time and- and-" Remus was crying again, his breathing becoming short and ragged. 

"I know that I'm a monster. I know that." He whimpered. "I just thought maybe you all didn't care about that. I thought we were friends."

"Remus, you're not a monster." Tears filled Sirius' eyes at the sight of his friend so distraught. He tried to pull Remus into a hug, aching to do something, anything, to comfort him, but Remus shoved him away and retreated further back in his bed. 

"Remus." Sirius said softly. "Remus, we are your friends. You're our best friend. Please, please listen to me."

Remus could hardly hear him. He couldn't breathe. His vision was blurred with tears, hands shaking, uneven gasps coming from his throat. He needed to calm down. He knew he needed to steady his breathing, he needed to calm down. But he wasn't sure how to stop the panic attack that had already begun to paralyze his thoughts. He buried his face in his shaking hands.

Sirius felt panicked at the sight of the other boy. "Remus. Moony, you need to breathe. C'mon-" He tried again to pull Remus towards him, but the other boy didn't move.  "Remus please," he begged. He looked around the dormitory desperately, trying to find something that could calm Remus down.

"Okay, fine. Fuck it. Prongs and Wormtail can sort themselves out." Sirius said suddenly.

Remus didn't look up at that, but he felt the bed sheets move in front of him and heard a strange noise from Sirius' direction. He didn't move when he felt something cold and wet touch his hand. He didn't even move when he felt something lick him.

Wait. Did Sirius just lick him? Remus jerked up suddenly and let out a shocked yelp when he realized he was face to face with a dog. A huge, shaggy, black dog with silver eyes. He looked wildly around the dormitory, searching for Sirius. 

"What the fuck?" 

The dog barked and licked the salty tears from Remus' face, tail wagging furiously. Remus held out his hands in an attempt to hold the dog back, but he was so confused that the attempt was half-hearted. 

"Sirius. Sirius this is not the time for you to be pranking me. Sirius where the fuck did you get a dog." Remus called out into the dormitory. He assumed Sirius must have been hiding somewhere, underneath one of the beds or something. He didn't even notice that his breathing was almost back to normal.

In the blink of an eye, the shaggy black dog was replaced by Sirius, the other boy sitting with his hands between his knees on the bed in front of him. Remus stared in shock. He was beginning to wonder if the weed he had smoked earlier that night was laced with something.

"I- I don't understand. What- where did you- how-"

"This is what we were doing all summer, Moony." Sirius said with a smile. "We're still working out some of the kinks, but we did a ton of research last term and we read that werewolves can't turn Animagi. They can actually form bonds with Animagi when they're in their animal form. So we figured-"

Remus didn't process the rest of what Sirius was saying. The word Animagi just kept repeating in his head, over and over. Animagi. Animagus. Professor McGonagall was an Animagus. She had shown them as first years during their first transfiguration class, explaining the tedious- and dangerous- process that witches and wizards underwent in order to develop the skill. Sirius, James, and Peter had all...

His ears were ringing. Remus felt light headed, as if he was floating. 

"What did you do?" He whispered to Sirius. The other boy's face dropped. 

"We did it for you, Remus. So we could be with you during the full moon, so you wouldn't hurt yourself so much during your transformations. It took all summer, we were so caught up in it and we wanted to surprise you. We didn't mean to ignore you." Sirius pleaded.

So we could be with you during the full moon. Remus' heart swelled. For just a moment, he was overcome with a mixture of happiness and love for his friends. They had all spent the summer going through one of the most dangerous procedures wizards could undergo... for him. His joy was short-lived when he realized what that meant.

"No." Remus said. He stood up from the bed quickly.

"What do you mean, no?" Sirius asked. He climbed out of the bed and stood to meet Remus' eyes.

"No. I said no. You're not going to stay with me during the full. It's too dangerous."

"Remus, did you hear anything I just said? You can't turn us during the full moon if we're in our animal forms! It's completely safe-" Sirius begged. 

"It's not safe, Sirius." Remus snapped. "I- the wolf could still hurt you, even if it doesn't turn you. It- I could kill you all. I'm not letting that happen."

Sirius rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Remus, you won't kill us."

"You don't know that Sirius!" Remus yelled. Distantly, he heard the sound of footsteps climbing the steps to the dormitory. "I'm not in control during the full. I could kill you, or worse-"

The two boys looked up as the door to the dormitory burst open. James and Peter came in laughing, but the grins on their faces quickly disappeared as they felt the tension in the room.

"What's going on?" James asked, staring at Remus' tear-streaked face. 

Remus turned to them quickly, angrier than the other boys had ever seen him. Sirius pulled his arm back, pleading with him to stop. "Remus- Moony please. Just let us explain everything."

"I won't let you all stay with me during the full. I don't care if you're animagi. It's too dangerous." Remus told the other marauders.

James and Peter looked at Sirius, faces reflecting the betrayal they felt at the exposure of their secret. 

"Wait, you don't understand-" Sirius begged. 

Remus pulled his arm away from Sirius and stormed out of the dormitory, the door slamming behind his back. Sirius stood in his wake, shoulders slumped defeatedly as the other two boys stared at him.

"You told him." James said coldly. "You said you wouldn't tell him yet."

Sirius threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "I didn't want to tell him, Prongs! He was freaking out about this summer 'cause we didn't write to him, and he thought we all hated him. I had to show him or he was going to have a panic attack!"

James dragged a hand down his face, biting his cheek in an attempt to keep from lashing out at the other boy.

"This is why I told you to wait, Pads. We had to work out the kinks, sure, but we also needed to figure out how to tell Moony without him freaking out."

Peter let out an awkward laugh. "I told you he'd hate it."

"Shut it Wormy," Sirius snapped. "He doesn't hate it. He's just scared that the wolf will hurt us. He doesn't understand."

"And that is why we needed to wait, Sirius!" James huffed. "I just don't get why you had to tell him right now. You should have talked to us first. This wasn't just your secret to share."

"Prongs-" Sirius started. 

"Just leave it, Sirius. I'm going to try to find Moony and talk him down before he does something rash." James turned quickly, rushing after the other boy. Sirius watched in defeat as Peter silently followed James.

"I was just trying to help." Sirius whispered to himself.

Chapter Text

The cool September air was especially brisk at the top of the astronomy tower. Remus sat on the uppermost platform of the tower with his legs swinging over the edge, arms hooked securely over the lowest bar of the railing. He gazed at the night sky, watching as a trail of smoke left his lips and drifted off to join the clouds above. The joint shook precariously at his fingertips. He wasn't sure whether his hands trembled because of the cold or because of the anxiety that gripped his limbs. 

Remus took another slow drag. He tried his best to savor the taste, holding the substance in his lungs for as long as he could bear in an effort to make its calming effects work faster. The light of the waxing moon above taunted him, a cruel reminder of the quickly approaching transformation that waited for him at the end of the week.

He still couldn't wrap his mind around it. The other marauders had spent the entirety of their summer break- and likely the last few months of the previous school year- illegally becoming animagi for him. To help him during the full moon, to ease the agony of his transformations and keep the wolf company within the confines of the shrieking shack. Remus gritted his teeth, forcing out another puff of smoke. 

"Fuck!" He let himself cry his frustrations out into the night sky.

Why didn't they tell him sooner? If they had told him about it, or asked him if it was something he even wanted, Remus could have at least tried to talk some sense into them. He could have explained the true nature of the wolf, the danger that it posed regardless of their inability to be infected. He could have shut it down before they even started the process. Instead, his best friends had gone through with a crime that could get them expelled. Worse even, a crime that could send them to Azkaban. 

Remus scrubbed aggressively at the tears streaming down his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater. He took one last drag of the joint before throwing the filter over the edge of the railing, leaning forward precariously to watch as it fell to the ground so far below.

The sound of footsteps echoed up the tower, shaking the railing Remus clung to. He turned half-heartedly as James appeared at the top of the steps behind him. The boy was hardly out of breath, despite climbing so many steps to the highest point at Hogwarts. 

"Moony."

"James." His reply was soft, but it didn't quite hide the quiver behind his voice. 

Remus watched as James stepped forward to join him at the railing. The other boy's face scrunched up as he looked around the platform in confusion.

"Merlin's beard, did something die up here?" James asked as he sat beside Remus, legs crossed. He leaned into him and sniffed loudly. 

"What the bloody hell is that smell?"

Remus let out a soft, teary laugh. "Mwg drwg."

James looked at him incredulously. "Moog Droog?"

"Mwg drwg. Weed. It's a muggle drug," Remus responded with a toothy grin. 

He could finally feel its effects taking hold of his body. His limbs were heavy, but his head felt light as he gazed at the other boy. The stupid grin was still plastered across his face, but his eyes were red from a combination of crying and the joint he had just finished.

"Weed?" James repeated. He stared at Remus for a moment, eyes widening in recognition.

"You're bloody high right now, aren't you?" He gasped dramatically. "My word. Remus Lupin, the pride of Gryffindor House, fucked up on a school night." Remus just laughed.

"You look as if you took a draught of euphoria or something. Is that what... weed… does?" 

Remus tilted his head as he looked up at the clouds above them, pondering James' words.

"Yeah," he responded after a beat. "It's similar, I s'pose. It's a bit like being drunk. Just... less..." Remus waived his hands in the air dramatically and trailed off without bothering to finish his thought.

James stared at him wordlessly. "Right," he said, after a moment. The pair sat in silence for several minutes. 

"I'm sorry we didn't write back to you this summer," James said suddenly. Remus inhaled sharply, but James continued before he could respond.

"We should have told you. About the animagus thing. We should have asked if it was alright with you first," James sighed. "It's just, we didn't think you'd agree to it. I mean, obviously you wouldn't. You're sensible, so of course you'd think it was dangerous and forbid us from doing it."

He turned towards Remus. "But you have to understand. That's why we couldn't tell you. We knew you'd say no. And we had to at least try. We did tons of research first, about the werewolf thing and about animagi and-" James ran his fingers through his hair, causing the already tangled mess to stick out even more.

"And everything we found said this was the best option. The safest option. Even Evans said it would probably work-"

"Lily helped you?" Remus gaped. 

James' dark cheeks flushed pink. "Well, since we couldn't ask you for help, we needed someone of similar intellectual ability to verify everything we found," he mumbled.

"We didn't tell her about your furry little problem," he said quickly. "We just told her that we were helping Peter with a theoretical research project for Minnie's class. She didn't really question us much after that."

Remus let out a huff and turned forward again, swinging his legs over the ledge silently. He let his forehead rest against the cool metal of the middle railing above him.

"Honestly, the process went almost seamlessly," James continued. "I mean, Pete fucked it up a few times. He kept spitting out the mandrake leaf before a full month was up. And we had a hard time waiting around for a lightning storm to drink the animagus potion."

James let out a sudden laugh. "You should have seen it, the first time Pete transformed into a rat. Sirius almost pissed himself."

Remus let himself smile a bit at that, turning his face towards James slightly. "A rat? Is that why you and Sirius keep calling him Wormtail?"

James nodded enthusiastically. "That was my idea. It was a bit difficult to come up with a good nickname for him. I mean, Padfoot was much easier to come up with, obviously. But it was either Wormtail or Squeakers and Peter wasn't super enthusiastic about that one."

Remus laughed at that. "What about Prongs? I'm not sure I can figure out what that refers to."

James grinned. "I can show you, if you'd like." He took Remus' hesitant nod as permission and grabbed the railing to pull himself up.

In the blink of an eye, the tall boy was replaced by a young stag. Its antlers were somewhat short, with only a few pointed prongs on each end, but they were beautifully impressive regardless. Remus reached out a hesitant hand, struggling to believe that the animal was truly James. His inebriated state didn't help, and Remus once again found himself wondering if he was just a little too high. 

The stag stepped forward and pressed its wet nose to Remus' palm. As he stared with wide eyes, the animal suddenly snorted in his face, prancing around the tower as though it was laughing. Just as suddenly as it had appeared, the stag was replaced with James' laughing form just a few feet from Remus. 

"Do you get it? Prongs?" James gestured above his head to the invisible antlers in reference. 

Remus nodded slowly, still working to wrap his head around the fact that James could transform into a stag at will. That Peter could become a rat. That Sirius could shift into the form of a large black dog. 

James' smile faded slightly as he watched Remus, who was still clearly lost in thought.

"Listen, Moony," he sighed. "I won't pretend that it's perfect. We still need to work on our transformations to make sure everything's flawless before we join you at the shack during a full. I know that we need to be careful." 

Remus stared at his hands as he listened to the other boy, absentmindedly picking at his fingers. 

"But please, can you consider it?" James continued. "We won't try until we're sure that it's completely safe. Right now, none of us can stay in our animagus forms for longer than an hour or two. But if we practice enough, we should be able to keep it up for an entire night. And-" He looked up at the moon that illuminated the sky above them. 

"Well, it's been getting worse, hasn't it Moony? Last term, you spent more time in the hospital wing than you did all of third year. And your scars-" James broke off when he saw Remus flinch at his words.

"I don't want you lot to get hurt. I can't-" Remus chewed his lip and looked up at James. "I wouldn't be able to handle it if I hurt any of you."

"You won't hurt us, Moony. I can show you some of the books that we found in our research. It really is quite safe." James reassured him. Remus tried to ignore the look in his friend's eyes. It seemed like pity. Though, a part of Remus reasoned that it was more likely compassion. 

"Please, just think about it. We want to help. You're our best friend, Remus. I-" James quickly shoved his hands under his glasses, wiping away the tears that threatened his eyes. "I can't stand to see you hurting so much each month." He sniffled loudly and looked back at Remus, the corners of his lips turning up into a slight smile.

"Anyways, you won't be able to keep up with your assignments if you're in the hospital wing all term," James said jokingly. Remus laughed at that. 

"Please?"

"Alright, alright." Remus nodded in defeat. He tried to ignore the way James' face beamed. 

"I'll think about it. I'm not agreeing just yet," Remus said sternly. He stiffened slightly as James threw his arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. After a few moments, he let himself wrap his arms around the other boy and melted into the embrace.

"I love you, Moony. We all do." James mumbled. He pulled away and ruffled Remus' hair playfully. 

"C'mon. We ought to get back to the dormitory before Filch or a prefect find us out after curfew. Plus, I'm sure Wormtail is going stir crazy right now. I made him wait at the base of the tower in case you tried hexing us when we came to check on you."

Remus let out a soft laugh and stood up with James. "I'm sure Peter wasn't too upset about it. He didn't have to walk up all of those stairs, after all." 

James nodded grimly. "Honestly, I'm not sure he would have made it."

The trio walked back to Gryffindor tower under the cover of James' invisibility cloak. It was clear that they had begun to outgrow the cloak, as James had to hunch over for it to cover their feet completely. They were pressed tightly against one another, each keeping an eye out for the dangers that roamed Hogwarts at night- namely Peeves, Filch, and prefects.

"Moony?" James whispered. Remus gave him a warning glance, looking around the corridor for any signs of unwanted company.

"What?"

"Can you have a chat with Sirius when we get back? He was gutted when we all left," James paused, gathering his thoughts before he continued. "I'm still upset at him for telling you, the daft bastard. But he was just trying to help." Remus just nodded in silent agreement.

The common room was quiet when they returned. Remus distantly wondered how late it had gotten, as there were usually at least a few students downstairs chatting or working on homework at night. It was dark in the dormitory when he entered. Remus noticed that the candles had long since been blown out, the dripping wax completely dry. The curtains around Sirius' bed were drawn as well. 

"Well, I'm going to head to sleep." James said. Peter nodded in agreement. "I'm knackered."

Remus waited until the other boys had taken off their robes and climbed into bed before approaching Sirius' silent curtains.

"Sirius?" He whispered. He didn't hear a response. Remus looked around hesitantly, trying to decide whether he should disturb Sirius or wait until the morning to talk to him. Eventually, his nerves got the better of him and he turned to retreat to his own bed a few feet away.

"Moony?"

Remus turned back quickly. Sirius had opened his curtains a few inches, just enough to peak his head out. His eyes were red, dark circles indicating that he must have been crying. Before Remus could respond, Sirius dragged his curtain open a few more inches. Remus took this as an invitation, climbing into the bed beside the other boy. Sirius closed the curtain behind him and muttered a silencing charm around them. 

The pair sat in silence for a moment. When he realized he could hardly see Sirius' face, Remus flicked his wand and muttered a quiet "Lumos." 

"I'm sorry-" Sirius began. At the same time, the words "It's okay" left Remus' mouth.

A wry smile graced Sirius' lips. "Is it?"

The other boy had clearly planned on going to sleep, dressed in nothing besides dark red boxers. His chest and torso was smooth, save for a scattering of hair on his chest and the slight trail of dark hair leading down his naval. Remus forced his eyes upwards as he felt his cheeks warm. Sirius' black hair was a mess, long strands covering his forehead and curling around his cheeks. Remus traced the angular lines of his face, eventually coming up to meet his gaze. Gray eyes stared at him intently, and Remus started when he realized he had been staring so long that he had forgotten to respond. 

"Y-Yes," he stammered. "It is. I mean, I'm still a bit miffed that you lot ignored me all summer. And I wish you had told me what you were doing. But I understand why you didn't tell me. James explained everything to me." Remus sighed, looking down at his hands as he picked at the edge of his sleeve.

"It's alright, Sirius. I forgive you."

Sirius glanced down, watching Remus' hands as they picked at the loose threads of his sweater. 

"So you'll let us come with you to the shack?" Sirius asked. He leaned back a bit when Remus jerked his head up to stare at him. 

"Absolutely not." 

"Moony, please-"

"I said no. Not this time, at least. I need to think about it more. And James told me you can't even stay in your animagus form for longer than an hour."

Remus sighed, tilting his head back to look at the canopy above Sirius' bed. 

"Once you've proven that you can do it for a full night without any problems... then maybe I'll consider it. But not yet. I still need some time to think it through."

Sirius' face lit up. Remus wasn't sure he had ever seen the other boy smile quite so brightly. 

"We'll prove it to you, Moony. It'll work. I swear it."

Remus let out a soft laugh, nodding gently. "Alright." He glanced up at Sirius, the pair watching each other silently for a moment. 

"Are we okay?" Sirius finally asked. The look in his eyes tore into Remus' heart. Remus leaned forward and grabbed Sirius' hands in his own, squeezing reassuringly. 

"Of course we're okay, Sirius. I'm really glad you told me. I've been going a bit mad these past few weeks thinking you all hated me."

Sirius laughed, gripping Remus' hands tight in return. "We could never hate you, Moony. What would we do without you?" 

Remus just smiled sadly in response. His smile broke as a huge yawn forced its way from his throat. His eyelids felt heavy.

"What time is it?"

Sirius grimaced, glancing at a clock on his bedside table. "It's, uh... 3 a.m." 

Remus jerked his hands back, leaning forward to check the clock as if he didn't quite believe Sirius. 

"Fucking hell." He dragged a hand down his face. "Class is going to suck tomorrow." 

Sirius laughed, nodding his head in agreement. "Yeah, a bit."

"Alright, well, I'll let you get to sleep." Remus moved back, dragging open the curtain. Sirius' mouth opened as if he wanted to argue, but he closed it before any words came out. 

"Goodnight, Sirius."

"Goodnight, Moony. I'll see you in the morning.

Chapter Text

The days leading up to September's full moon were largely uneventful, much to Remus' relief. He spent most of his free time in the library working on an essay for charms, which was due the Monday after his transformation. Technically, he had an extension and could turn it in the following week. But he preferred to occupy his mind with the task. It was far better than allowing his thoughts to linger on that rapidly approaching Saturday night. 

Sirius accompanied him in the library most nights, armed with a comical amount of chocolate frogs and other sweets. Remus might have complained about it if he wasn't grateful for the distraction. And the chocolate, of course. Somehow, it seemed to ease the headache that pounded at his skull so close to the full moon. 

When Sirius couldn't make it to the library with him- which wasn't very often, but quidditch practice obviously took priority over studying- Remus was joined by Lily, Mary, Marlene, and sometimes Dorcas. While Remus thoroughly enjoyed his time in the library with Sirius (perhaps a bit too much), he was much more productive when he studied with the girls. He could bounce his thoughts on different charms and their effects off of Lily and expect an equally intellectual thought in response. Sirius, in contrast, spent most of his time in the library sleeping or twirling his quill. The parchment of Remus' essays bore the brunt of the destruction, covered in subsequent splatters of ink.

At times, he truly wondered why he wasn't in love with the witch. Why, instead, he missed Sirius' boisterous company in the quiet library. But he tried not to dwell on the thought too long. 

"Remus!" Mary's voice penetrated his thoughts. He glanced up from his copy of Advanced Charm Casting to see all four girls staring at him.

"What?"

The girls giggled. Remus felt the back of his neck warm, the heat curling up to his cheeks. He tried to ignore the anxiety that began to dig its way around his stomach. He must have been lost in his thoughts for a while. 

"You've been staring at that page for fifteen minutes," Lily nudged him with her elbow. A soft smile graced her lips, but her eyes held a hint of concern.

"And Mary called your name three times before you even looked up," Marlene added.

"Do you want to take a break, Remus? We've been studying for quite a while. We could go grab some dinner, if you'd like?" Lily's green eyes stared at him intently. He tried not to think about how they seemed to penetrate through his, looking into the depths of his soul.

"The boys are probably finished up with quidditch practice by now," Mary said. "And Dorcas," she added, glancing pointedly at Marlene. The blonde girl flushed and looked away, desperate to redirect the conversation.

"You know, I'm sure James is in the dining hall as we speak. I doubt he's even showered yet."

The girls erupted in laughter again as Lily's face turned bright pink. The shade clashed with her fiery red hair, but it brought a smile to Remus' lips. His time in the library with the girls had led to some eye-opening revelations about their own habits and interests.

A prime example was Marlene and Dorcas' friendship. It had become abundantly clear to Remus that Marlene and Dorcas were very, very close. Much closer than the other girls. It was almost obscene, at times, the way Marlene's hands were constantly on Dorcas. The way her fingers lingered when she handed Dorcas a new ink pot. How she took every opportunity to play with the other girl's dark curls, braiding and twisting her hair when she needed a break from her assignments. 

It had also become evidently clear that Lily harbored some assortment of secret feelings towards James which made the other girls bring him up. Frequently. Lily's face turned red at every mention of his name, particularly when they whispered about his latest growth spurt or made note of the sheen of sweat that consistently glazed his forehead after quidditch practice. 

"What do I care whether Potter's showered or not," Lily snapped. This only made the other girls laugh louder. Their laughter earned them a loud hush from Madam Pince, which prompted them to stand and gather their things quickly. It was better to leave the library in her good graces than face her wrath after another outburst. 

Remus' vision swam as he stood quickly from his chair. He stumbled back slightly, right arm fumbling behind him until he caught himself on a bookshelf. He hadn't eaten that day, Remus realized distantly. Without Sirius there to steadily pass treats his way, he had forgotten to eat anything at all. 

Lily was the only one to notice him stumble. She was by his side in an instant, hand gripping his elbow tightly in an effort to steady him. The concerned gaze was back in full as she watched him carefully. 

"Are you feeling alright, Remus?" She whispered.

He nodded, trying to ignore the way the movement seemed to bounce his brain against the walls of his skull. 

"M'fine, Lily. Just a bit tired. I should probably get back to the dormitory," he replied. 

Her grip on his arm tightened, and he tried not to flinch under the weight of her gaze. As short as she was in comparison to him, she was quite frightening when she wanted to be.

"You'll come eat first. Then we can go back to the common room together," she said. It wasn't a suggestion.

The Great Hall was packed with students from each house. Remus felt as if he could hear every single conversation, topics ranging from homework assignments and Filch's new cat Penelope to the eagerly anticipated quidditch game between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw in October. It was far too crowded for the average Thursday night, he thought to himself.

His head pounded with each step. If it wasn't for Lily's arm linked tightly with his, Remus thought he might have collapsed before making it to the Gryffindor table. Luckily, the shorter girl deposited him between Sirius and Peter without too much commotion. Remus made a dull note of the way James stared at their linked arms as they approached, but he was too tired to read into it further. He pressed his forehead against the table in front of him with a groan.

Remus felt Sirius' hand on his shoulder, suppressing a moan as it rubbed gently back and forth across his back. His bones were beginning to ache, the itch under his skin burning as if the wolf was trying to dig its way out from inside of him. The soft rhythm of Sirius' hand between his shoulder blades dulled the ache to a degree.

"You okay, Moony?" Peter leaned in close to whisper. Remus could almost feel the glare that Sirius shot over his back.

"Clearly he's not okay, Wormy," Sirius grumbled. He felt Peter's frame move away slightly.

Remus lifted his head and turned towards Sirius. His gray eyes were dark, brows knitted together in a deep frown.

"He was just trying to be courteous, Sirius. I'm fine. Just a bit tired, s'all."

Remus tried to ease the expression from Sirius' face. Anger seemed out of place against his beautiful features. He almost shook his head as the thought crossed his mind, rubbing at his eyes in a futile attempt to clear his head.

Sirius didn't respond. Instead, he pulled his hand away from Remus' back and silently began piling food onto his plate. Mashed potatoes. Baked pumpkin. Roast beef and chicken. Cornish pasties. Remus blanched at the amount of food that suddenly covered the plate in front of him. 

"Sirius-"

"Eat." Sirius interrupted. He stared intently at Remus, as if daring him to argue. Anxiety bubbled in Remus' chest. He looked down at the food in front of him again, and his stomach growled. He cursed his body for betraying him so loudly. He swallowed hard, glancing back up at Sirius. The boy's gaze didn't waver.

Remus let out a huff and took a bite of the Cornish pasty in front of him. He moaned as the buttery pastry melted on his tongue. He didn't remember real food tasting this good. Before he could fully process that he had finished the pasty, he was scooping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and baked pumpkin into his mouth. He finished the beef and chicken on his plate before grabbing a slice of treacle tart and devouring it. When he finally looked up again, the three other boys were staring at him.

"What?" He asked, through a mouthful of treacle.

James was grinning at him. He shrugged, the smug smile staying on his face as he continued eating his own food.

"It's nothing. We just haven't seen you eat like that since we got back to Hogwarts," James said.

"It's good to see you eating again," Peter added.

The food Remus had eaten suddenly felt heavy in his stomach. "What do you mean?"

Sirius stared at him blankly. Peter just gave him an incredulous look, as if Remus had just said something comically stupid. 

"What do you mean?" Remus repeated. He felt sick.

"You've just hardly eaten anything these past few weeks. It's hard not to notice." James shrugged.

Remus turned towards Sirius with a look that clearly asked him to elaborate on James' words. Sirius held his hands up defensively. 

"Don't look at me like that, Moony. They're right. You used to eat as much as James, if not more. You quite literally had competitions to see who could eat more. It's hard not to notice how little you've been eating recently."

Remus' lip twitched. He looked down at the empty plate in front of him. He was really starting to feel sick. He stood suddenly, hands flat against the table to brace himself as he swung his legs over the bench.

"I'm going back to the common room. I'll see you all in a bit," Remus muttered hurriedly.

Remus tried to calm himself as he walked out of the great hall, sucking deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth. Had Sirius told the other boys that Remus wasn't eating? Or had it really been that obvious? His gut felt distended, full stomach pressing tight against his muscles. He could feel the tight stretch of the scars that dragged their way across his lower abdomen. Remus gagged.

He tried his best to make it back to the common room, to the privacy of the dormitory bathroom. But he couldn't. The feeling of his stretched stomach was causing gruesome images to flicker across his mind. Memories. Blood, covering the basement floor. The way it bubbled hotly around his nose. The feeling of claws tearing at his stomach. What looked like guts, his intestines, spilling out from him. His mother, crying, screaming. 

Remus barely managed to push his way into the nearest boy’s lavatory before he was spewing his dinner into the closest toilet. He cried as he tried to force the remainder of the food from his stomach, tried to clear the images flashing through his mind. He kept trying until he was gagging up bile before he finally sat back against the cool tile of the bathroom stall. He wiped his hand across his mouth, wet with tears, vomit, and streaks of blood. Remus wasn't sure how much time passed as he sat against the cold floor and cried.

Footsteps echoed against the tile of the men's bathroom behind him. Remus sat up quickly, drying his face with the sleeves of his sweater. He barely managed to flush the toilet and stand shakily before he found himself face to face with Lily.

"Remus?" Her voice was soft. Wide green eyes pierced his soul. Remus felt his breath hitch in his throat.

"Lily? W-what are you doing here? This is the boys lavatory, you shouldn't be-"

"I followed you from the Great Hall," Lily interrupted. 

Remus' mouth opened and closed as he tried to find a response. He wanted to ask why. Why she followed him. How she knew he would be here. How long she had been outside of the boy’s lavatory. What she had heard. He swallowed hard, barely managing to croak out a simple, "Why?"

Lily stepped closer, taking his hands gently in her own. A knowing smile pulled the corners of her lips upward slightly, but her eyes were full of pity. 

"I overheard your conversation with the boys at dinner. I wanted to make sure you were okay." She tilted her head as she watched him carefully for another moment.

"I heard you," she added gently. "From outside the lavatory." Remus felt the blood drain from his face. "Nobody else was nearby, don't worry," she said, quickly clarifying as she saw his expression crumble.

"I- I don't-" Remus felt his chest tighten. Breathing became difficult as he felt anxiety begin to flood his lungs. He wracked his brain for some sort of response, something, anything that could explain what Lily had heard other than the obvious truth. His hands began trembling under the sleeves of his sweater. 

"Oh Remus," Lily whispered. He stiffened as Lily threw her arms around him, pressing the side of her face into his sweater. He slowly brought his hands up, hesitantly returning the embrace. Tears began to flow freely from his face, dampening the red hair under his chin. She smelled of cinnamon, citrus, and almonds. 

A sob forced its way from his throat as Lily tightened her grip around his thin frame. Remus wasn't sure how, but he found himself sitting on the cool tile floor again, his face buried in the crook of Lily's shoulder. She held him as he cried, rubbing his back gently. The gesture reminded him of Sirius, Remus thought distantly. He didn't allow the thought to linger. 

After several minutes, Remus pulled away from Lily to wipe the tears and snot from his face. Lily summoned a tissue and held it out to Remus, which he took with a weak, grateful smile. 

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. Lily shook her head, wild red hair whipping around her face. 

"Please don't apologize, Remus. Truly. I know we aren't super close, but I do consider you a dear friend of mine. I'm here for you if you'd like to talk about it." 

Remus' bottom lip trembled. He looked down at his hands, watching as he deftly picked at his fingertips.

"I-I'm not sure why. Why I do it, I mean," he whispered. "I just feel so sick when I eat. The feeling of my stomach-" Remus broke off, biting his lip.

"I know what that's like," Lily said gently. She wiped a tear from his cheek, giving him a comforting smile when he glanced up at her. Her eyes still held a hint of pity, but another emotion had taken over her soft features. Understanding. Sad- and regretful- understanding.

Lily took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm sure you've noticed, I'm not exactly as small as I was last term." She gestured to her body. Remus' eyebrows knitted together and he shook his head slightly to indicate he wasn't following. 

"Don't be daft, Remus. I was much thinner in third and fourth year," she huffed. Remus opened his mouth to respond, but she held her hand up to prevent him from speaking. 

"It's alright. It isn't an insult. It's a fact," she waited until he nodded slightly before continuing. 

"My sister, Petunia, is quite tiny. She's always been much smaller than me. When I came back from second year, I suppose I had gained some weight. Puberty and whatnot." Lily shrugged absentmindedly.

"Petunia brought it up every day the summer before third year. I started to think something was really wrong with me. I-" She broke off, taking a deep breath.

"I hated the way I looked, because of the things she said to me. So I stopped eating as much. And when I did eat, I... Well, I forced myself to throw it back up so I wouldn't gain more weight."

"Lily-" Remus tried to interrupt, but the glare Lily shot at him forced his mouth closed. 

"Let me finish," she said curtly. He nodded quickly.

"I lost a lot of weight. And I got really, really sick. My parents took me to a muggle doctor this past summer, and they said I have a form of disordered eating. Muggles call it bulimia. Apparently, quite a few muggle girls die each year because of it."

Remus watched as she chewed her lip. He wanted to say something, anything, to comfort her. He knew that habit, knew the anxiety that triggered it, as it was one that he often mirrored. But he forced himself to listen instead.

"My parents watched everything I ate for two months," she said. "They took the latches off of the bathroom doors so I couldn't lock myself away to make myself sick. They yelled at Petunia quite a bit for everything she had said to me," Lily laughed.

"I can't pretend I'm better," she added. "Obviously, I still struggle. Eating is hard at times. But I feel much better now. I'm much healthier too. Do you see how long my hair has gotten? It was hard to grow it out when I was sick." Lily twisted her long red hair with a grin. Remus nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. 

"Anyways. I'm sorry for ranting. I just want you to know that I understand what you're going through. And it does get better, if you want it to."

Remus pressed his lips together, nodding again in understanding. He wanted to tell her that this wasn't about his looks. He didn't force himself to throw up because he wanted to be thinner. But he couldn't explain that without revealing himself as a werewolf. 

"Thank you, Lily. For telling me. I know it mustn't be easy to talk about," Remus murmured. Lily pulled him into a gentle hug once more. 

"Please, let me know if you need to talk about it. Or if you want help. I can show you what the muggle doctors taught me. It truly did help." Lily smiled.

"I'll let you know," Remus smiled gently in return.

"Alright. Come on. We best get back to the common room before everyone begins to wonder where we've gone." Lily stood, clapping her hands together. She helped Remus to his feet, and the pair set off to Gryffindor tower with linked arms.

The common room was much quieter than the Great Hall, much to Remus' relief. His head was beginning to pound again.

A group of second years were hunched over desks in the corner, desperately working to complete a foot-long transfiguration essay due the following morning. He noticed Dorcas and Marlene huddled together on a loveseat beside the fireplace, engrossed in a hushed conversation. James and Peter were lounging on a couch across from the fireplace, a deck of cards piled on the cushion between them. Judging by the small explosion that burst between Peter's hands, they were engrossed in an intense game of exploding snap.

Sirius was sat in front of the fireplace, thoughtfully combing through his long hair. He had clearly just finished taking a shower. His hair was sopping wet, dripping beads of water onto the worn muggle shirt he wore. Remus' shirt, he realized. He might have been annoyed if it was anybody else, but the way his shirt looked as it stretched across Sirius' chest and shoulders made Remus all too aware of the pounding heart in his chest.

"Moony!"

Sirius' eyes lit up when he saw Remus and Lily step through the portrait hole. The other fifth years looked up at the pair, voicing various greetings and welcomes. Remus almost didn't notice the frown that pulled James' eyebrows together, his eyes flicking between Lily, Remus, and their linked arms. Remus pulled away from the girl quickly, ignoring her sideways glance. 

"Where have you been?" James asked. He probably didn't mean to sound so accusatory, but James wasn't exactly known for his ability to hide his emotions. 

"Erm-" Remus began.

"We got caught up chatting about our charms essays after dinner," Lily interrupted. Remus gave her a subtly grateful smile. 

"Good thing, too. My conclusion was entirely wrong. Probably would have lost marks if she hadn't told me otherwise," Remus added. He watched as James nodded absentmindedly, satisfied enough with the response that he turned back to the game between him and Peter. 

Before Remus could turn to head up the stairs to their dormitory, Sirius stood from his position in front of the fire and stepped towards him.

"Moony, are you heading upstairs?" He asked. Wet strands of hair covered his forehead, and Remus resisted the urge to brush them out of the way.

"I was going to. I'm pretty worn out," Remus hummed softly. He hoped his eyes weren't too red from earlier, but Sirius didn't bring any attention to it if they were.

"You should stay down here for a bit. I wanted to ask Marlene to plait my hair, but she's too busy necking Dorcas. You're the only other person here who knows how. Would you mind?" Sirius ran his fingers through his wet hair, as if to emphasize its sorely unbraided state. 

Remus smiled softly. He was exhausted, blood pounding against the back of his eyes. He felt as if he could barely stand. But he couldn't say no to a request from Sirius to play with his hair. Even when he felt like he might pass out.

"Sure," Remus nodded, gesturing to the floor in front of an armchair which sat adjacent from the fire. If he was going to be running his fingers through Sirius' cold, wet hair, he'd need to have a direct source of warmth nearby.

Remus sat on the armchair, tucking his legs underneath him as Sirius plopped down on the rug in front of the seat. He almost laughed when Sirius tilted his head back, gray eyes staring at him upside down. Sirius rubbed his head against Remus' leg like a cat impatiently until Remus began dragging his fingers through his long, dark curls. 

He curled up lazily as he combed Sirius' hair, resting his head against the armrest closest to the warm fire. Remus tried his best to stay awake as he twisted dark strands of hair together into a loose attempt at a French braid. He dragged his fingers through Sirius' hair slowly, savoring the smell of sage and coconut coming from the freshly washed curls. Sirius smelled especially lovely right out of the shower. 

Remus' eyes felt heavy. The soft crackling of the fire that warmed his skin seemed to ease his pounding skull. He could rest his eyes, just for a moment. He would finish Sirius' braid, eventually. He just needed to close his eyes for a few seconds.

At some point, Remus distantly felt wet hair tug away from his cold hands. He heard a soft, familiar laugh in his ear. He felt a slight jostle, the heat of the fire disappearing from his side.

When he woke the next morning, he was in his own bed. It was still early for Remus, but late enough in the morning that James and Sirius had already left for quidditch practice. He was covered in the warmth of his quilt, as well as Sirius' quilt layered on top of his own. There was a noticeable damp spot on the pillow beside his face which smelled faintly of sage and coconut.

Chapter Text

Saturday morning arrived all too quickly, much to Remus' dismay. A profound stillness settled over the room on the morning of the full moon. There was an unspoken understanding, a shared knowledge that Remus was to be left unbothered in the hours before his transformation. The boys' usual morning commotion was conspicuously absent, replaced by delicate movements, muted footsteps, and gentle whispers. Even the birds outside seemed to sing in hushed tones. That particular morning was steeped in exhaustion, apprehension, and a resounding dread which threatened to consume Remus whole.

He opened his eyes reluctantly as sunlight broke through a slight opening in his curtains, a sliver of light cutting directly across his eyes. He let out a groan as he turned to press his hot face into the assortment of pillows that piled at the top of his bed. His bones ached in protest of the movement, joints cracking as he curled his body inwards. A headache pounded at his skull relentlessly, the steady drum of his heartbeat echoing in his ears. 

Remus heard muted movement outside of the curtains that wrapped around his bedposts, hushed whispers coming from the other boys as they approached his bed. The quiet was quickly shattered, quite literally, by the sudden clatter of something- glass or ceramic, he couldn't tell- breaking across the floor next to his bed. There was a beat of silence before he heard Sirius mutter a soft curse under his breath.

He might have laughed if he wasn't weighed down so heavily by exhaustion. Instead, Remus managed to pull himself upright just enough to grab his wand from the bedside table. His curtains pulled back with a quick flick of his hand. 

Sirius and Peter knelt beside his bed, engaged in frustrated whispers as they tried to clean the remnants of what had once been a mug filled with tea from the carpet. They both looked up, eyes wide, as the curtains pulled away from Remus' bed. 

"Sorry, Moony!" Peter cried out. Sirius smacked his shoulder with the back of his hand, bringing a finger to his lips in a silent attempt to hush Peter. The blond boy's face turned red in realization. The apology hadn't been particularly quiet, and Remus had covered his ears instinctively as his head throbbed. Peter whispered another quick apology, eyes wide.

"S'alright Peter," he murmured. He gestured half heartedly as the mess in front of the pair. "What happened here?"

"We were trying to bring you some tea," Sirius said softly. Remus wouldn't have minded all too much if Sirius had been the one to yell. But he appreciated the effort behind his hushed voice. 

"Pete tripped on the rug. I would have used a cushioning charm, but my hands were full." Sirius waved his hand towards a tray of biscuits and scones that sat on the floor beside him. 

"I'm sorry if we woke you."

Remus shook his head, immediately regretting the movement as he felt his brain bash against the inside of his skull. He pressed a hand to his forehead, as if that would ease the pain. 

"No, it's okay. I was already awake." Remus pointed at the sunlight that tore through the window next to his bed. "Forgot to close my curtains all the way."

Sirius stood, wiping his damp hands on his jeans. He picked up the tray and placed it on the table next to Remus' bed while Peter cleaned the mess of tea and ceramic shards with a wave of his wand. The effort was mostly effective in cleaning up the mess, although there was a distinct stain on the rug where the tea spilled.

"You feeling alright?" Sirius asked.

He sat at the edge of the bed gingerly, as if he was afraid of disturbing Remus' body too much. Remus just shrugged. He was sure it was obvious that he wasn't feeling particularly alright. But he appreciated the sentiment. 

Sirius watched him for a moment, lips pressed tight together. His mouth opened slightly as he took a deep breath. He looked as if he was about to say something- as if he wanted to say something- but he just sighed and looked around the dorm aimlessly.

"What is it, Sirius?" Remus asked. His throat was dry and scratchy. He couldn't help but wish that cup of tea hadn't been spilled. 

Sirius glanced back at him. "Please let us come with you to the shack tonight."

He should have expected this, but his mind was foggy. He hardly had the energy to think of anything as it was. Remus gritted his teeth.

"No."

"Moony-"

"Sirius, I really don't want to talk about this right now." Remus sighed. Sirius' face was practically begging for him to listen. He looked like a puppy, eyes wide and pleading as they looked up at Remus. Ironic. 

"I'll be fine, okay? I told you already. I'll consider it once you've all proven to me you can handle being in your animagus forms for a full night." He watched as Sirius nodded dejectedly, finally allowing himself to relax back onto the cushion of his pillows.

"Can we check-in on you in the morning? At the shack?" Peter asked. He was sitting on Sirius' bed, adjacent to Remus'. 

Remus shook his head again, less aggressively this time in an attempt to protect his aching skull. "You know Madam Pomfrey comes to get me in the morning. She'll make sure I'm okay. And she can't see you. If she finds out that you all know about me, she might tell Dumbledore."

"We can come before she gets there," Sirius chipped in. His voice was so hopeful, aching for Remus to accept the compromise. "We can come as soon as the moon sets, leave before Poppy comes. She'll never know. Please, Moony," he leaned forward and grasped one of Remus' hands. Remus tried to suppress the flush that began to spread up his neck.

"We just want to make sure that you're okay. Then we'll leave."

Remus sighed. Sirius' hand was warm and soft on his skin. It almost seemed to ease the aching of the joints in his fingers. Deep down, he wanted to accept the proposal. But his brain was fighting his heart, logic fighting his desires.

On one hand, he was comforted by the idea that his friends wanted to make sure he was okay after his transformation. Madam Pomfrey cared for Remus as if she was his own mother, always careful to heal the worst of his wounds in the shack before transporting him to the hospital wing. But out of an abundance of- understandable- caution, she often arrived several minutes after he woke up. At times, Remus was left writhing in pain for nearly twenty minutes before Poppy came to relieve his pain. And he knew that Sirius was quite experienced in healing magic. The Blacks were cruel. They often didn't treat the pain they inflicted on their children.

On the other hand, the other boys had never seen him in the minutes after his transformation. They had never seen the blood, the gashes that tore across his body. The pain. His cries. Remus wasn't sure he wanted them to see that.

"Please," Peter said softly. Remus glanced at him. His eyes mirrored the same pleading, begging look on Sirius' face. Remus let out a slightly exaggerated sigh, which immediately prompted a grin from both Sirius and Peter. They knew when Remus had given in to their requests. They were insufferably insistent at times.

"Fine. But only after the moon is fully set. You need to make sure I'm... myself... before you come in. And you need to leave before Poppy comes! You can't stay long. Only a few minutes," Remus warned. They both nodded enthusiastically. 

"We promise, Moony. We'll be careful. We can bring James' invisibility cloak, too, so Poppy won't see us," Peter suggested. 

"Good idea Wormy," Sirius agreed. He stood from the bed quickly. "I'll get you some more tea. Eat some food before tonight, alright Moony?"

Remus just nodded slightly, gingerly taking a scone from the tray beside his bed.

There was a brisk chill in the air as Remus walked down to the Whomping Willow that evening. Madam Pomfrey guided him, comforting him with gentle words and soft touches on his sore shoulders and back. Poppy must have been in her mid-thirties, soft blonde hair with grey strands wisping across her round cheeks. Her energy was so maternal, caring and nurturing, Remus sometimes wondered how she could be so motherly without any children of her own. Although, he supposed the children she cared for at Hogwarts were something like children to her. Her magic was imbued with such a tender affection for each child she healed. 

As they walked through the hidden tunnel under the Willow towards the shack, Remus felt dread bury itself into the pit of his stomach. He had tried too hard to hide it from his friends, from Madam Pomfrey. But he was terrified. His last transformations had been so brutal. One might assume he would grow accustomed to the pain, the agony, after so many months and years. But he wasn't. He was so, so very scared. Scared that one day, he might not wake up. That one day, he would lose his mind and soul to the wolf. Worse yet, that one day he might wake up to the news that he had inflicted this torture upon someone else. 

His skin was itching, crawling. He could almost feel the sharp claws digging their way through his muscles. His bones cracked as he walked, joints loose and unstable as his body prepared to disassemble itself to accommodate the monster inside of him. He was so tired, exhaustion bruised under his eyes. But a surge of adrenaline prompted by the approaching transformation- and Poppy's gentle hand- kept him upright. 

When they finally climbed through the trap door into the shack, Madam Pomfrey got to work placing secure wards and protection charms across the walls. There were scratches and claw marks on the walls and floors, but the previously-destroyed furniture had clearly been repaired over the summer holiday. There were fresh quilts and thick blankets at the foot of a bed in the corner of the room, a maroon couch against one wall, and bright rugs covering most of the floor. Remus appreciated the gesture, the effort Poppy had clearly put into making the space somewhat comfortable. The effort was, of course, pointless. Remus would never be comfortable in the shack. And it would all be destroyed by the morning, anyway.

Remus felt a tug at his spine. It was as if his body had an internal clock built solely for the full moon's placement in the sky. He knew dusk was near, knew the moon was about the break past the horizon. He could feel it in his bones. He let out a groan as he felt his hips and shoulders pop out of place.

"Madam Pomfrey, you should leave." Remus forced the words through his clenched teeth. She looked over at him quickly from where she stood, placing a few final wards over the trap door. 

"Okay, dear," Poppy knelt beside him briefly, placing a gentle hand on his cheek. Remus wondered if she had used a healing charm to relax him, or if her touch naturally had that effect. 

"I'll see you first thing in the morning, okay love?" 

Remus tried to ignore the array of emotions that flashed across her face. Grief, pity, sadness. Compassion. Love. He just nodded in response, watching as she left him alone in the dark room.

It wasn't long before Remus felt the moon break past the horizon. He let out a guttural cry as his body jerked forward, away from the soft comfort of bed, flinging himself to the hard floor. He felt the curse, the wolf, surging through his veins like fire. His bones splintered, shifted, grinding against themselves with sickening crunches. A cacophony of agonizing pops and snaps echoed against the walls of the shack. Remus sobbed. Or, perhaps it was a howl that ripped its way out of his throat. He couldn't tell.

His joints screamed in protest as they dislocated and realigned themselves, waves of searing pain surging through his body. The raw, visceral sensation of his muscles tearing and reforming. Every fiber of his being burned with a fire that threatened to devour his body, his soul, his humanity. Remus clawed at the rug beneath him, tearing into the fibers, as if trying to anchor himself into some semblance of reality. But there was no escape. No fleeing the unrelenting suffering that enveloped him. Each ragged breath, a harsh reminder of his cursed existence. 

Relief, or something like it, came as his mind eventually disintegrated. For the hours in which the full moon filled the sky, Remus Lupin ceased to exist. Mind and body, replaced by the monstrous wolf that forced its way from his frail body. Remus would soon exist again, to live and deal with the consequences of his affliction. But until then, until the full moon dropped below the horizon and the sun rose with the dawn of morning, there was only the wolf. The wolf and its anger. Its frustration. Its fear. Its loneliness. Trapped in the confines of a cursed space, bound to a cycle of self-inflicted torment. And so the wolf tore at its body, at Remus' body, with a visceral hatred of self which mirrored his own.

Chapter Text

Sirius didn't get any sleep the night of the full moon. He had made a half-hearted attempt at sleep sometime around midnight, but his thoughts were too loud to allow sleep to take over. All he could think about was Remus. Remus, alone in the shack. Remus, tearing himself apart. Remus, alone and in agony in a place so close and yet so far out of reach. Sirius was angry, frustrated, at himself and at Remus. He could have helped. They could have helped Remus. If only they had perfected their animagus forms faster, if only Remus was willing to accept their support. But there was nothing he could do, and it didn't sit well with Sirius to feel so helpless.

As dawn approached, Sirius quickly realized that James and Peter hadn't slept much either. When he finally drew back his curtains, the other boys were already awake and dressed, sitting on the floor of the dormitory playing exploding snap in thick silence. They glanced up at Sirius, faces filled with grim exhaustion.

"Morning, Pads," James said. His hair was especially disheveled, as if he had been pulling and tugging at it all night. Knowing him, he probably had been messing with it out of nervous anticipation for the morning. 

"Morning, Prongs," Sirius returned. He tugged a jumper over his head, leaving on his pajama bottoms for the sake of comfort. The jumper smelled of cinnamon, ginger, and tobacco. Of Remus. He glanced down at the worn, brown fabric. It was Remus' jumper, he realized. He had grabbed the nearest jumper from a pile of clothes between their beds without realizing. It was snug around his shoulders, but comfortably so. It was much looser around Remus' slimmer torso. He tried not to think about it too much.

"Should we head down to the shack soon?" Peter asked, quietly.

He looked nervous, but it wasn't unwarranted. They were all clearly nervous for what they might find when they entered the shack. They had never seen Remus right after his transformations. They hadn't even seen Remus sooner than a day or two after his transformation until second year, when they discovered he was a werewolf. In fourth year, they had received Poppy's permission to visit a few hours after he had returned, when he was patched up in the hospital wing. And that was only because she recognized how close the four boys had become.

Remus looked bad enough, even after Poppy fixed him up. Sirius couldn't imagine how he looked moments after waking up the morning of the full moon. He didn't particularly want to imagine Remus in such pain. He just wanted to help. 

Sirius nodded his head. "Yeah, we should get going. I'd rather get there early." He didn't want to get there late, after Poppy had arrived. He just needed to see Remus. To make sure he was okay. To help.

The boys set off down the stairs of Gryffindor tower and out of the common room. They were the only ones awake, so early on a Sunday morning. Dew covered the fields outside of Hogwarts, the September air cold and damp. It was eerily quiet. Even the wildlife held its breath as the boys approached the Whomping Willow.

Remus had told them how to get past it the previous day. He described the knot at the base of the tree, next to a gaping hole between the tree's thick roots. He had explained that Poppy usually charmed a tree branch to hit the knot, but Peter could tap on the knot in his rat form to get past it. He did just that.

The boys walked through the tunnel cautiously. Sirius wasn't sure what exactly they were looking for, how far the tunnel went. He knew there would be a door, of some sort, that would allow them to enter the shack. Remus hadn't described the tunnel or the shack in much detail, and they hadn't asked him to. 

"How far do you think this tunnel goes?" James asked. He was whispering, unnecessarily since they were clearly the only ones in the tunnel. But it seemed like the right thing to do. The air in the tunnel was tense, thick, heavy with anticipation and fear. The magic that filled the space unnerved Sirius. It wasn't necessarily cursed- Sirius knew what cursed magic felt like- but it was filled with a dark energy that made his skin crawl.

"It can't be too far. Remus wouldn't be able to walk for miles in the state he's in before the full moon," Sirius replied.

The minutes began to feel like hours as they walked along the dark tunnel. When they passed a certain point in which the tunnel became pitch black, Sirius pulled out his wand and uttered a soft "Lumos." His hand shook slightly, causing the light to bounce across the dark walls. He couldn't contain his nerves. He thought about Remus. Remus, alone, cold, in pain in a room at the end of the tunnel. Sweet, kind, gentle Remus. He walked faster.

The trio froze suddenly as harrowing screams echoed through the tunnel towards them. Sirius felt the blood drain from his face. It wasn't howling. They had expected to hear howling, to hear the wolf as it transformed back into Remus. It was early, after all, and the moon hadn't yet dipped below the horizon when they entered the tunnel. But the screams were clearly human. Clearly Remus. Sirius had heard screams before, from Reggie, from himself, at Grimmauld Place. His family didn't shy away from torturous disciplinary measures. But this sound, these screams, were unlike any sound he had heard before.

Peter was beginning to hyperventilate. James looked like he was going to be sick.

"Is that...?" James whispered. He didn't need to finish his sentence. They all knew.

The boys stood still for another moment as Remus' agonizing screams continued to echo through the tunnel. And then, Sirius was running. He didn't look behind him, didn't wait to see if James and Peter were following. He could only think of Remus. Of the agonizing, bone-chilling screams that were coming from his frail body. His skin was covered in goosebumps as he ran, as the sound continued.

There was a trapdoor at the end of the tunnel, leading down into what they assumed must have been the shack. The screaming was louder, so much louder, and Sirius knew Remus was just past that door. He felt like he was going to be sick. Something was very, very wrong.

"Come on, help me with the door!" Sirius yelled. It held tight, even as James, Peter, and Sirius tugged on it. 

"Fuck. There must be wards to keep us out." James was tugging at his hair, his glasses askew. Peter was panting heavily. 

"We have to get them off, quickly. Something's wrong. Moony- Remus doesn't-" Sirius stammered. He was shaking. "He's told me what the mornings are like after the full moon, sometimes. He didn't say- he never said anything about-" 

The other boys pulled out their wands silently, shakily, as they began to tear down the wards that secured the door. Poppy had been very thorough. Too thorough. It was taking them much too long. Remus' screams were becoming weaker, softer, less urgent. Less alive. 

There were tears streaming down their faces as the boys fervently whispered spells to break down the wards, desperately waving their wands. Sirius could hardly see as he continued to tear away at the wards, the charms which kept the door secured. Which kept them away from Remus. 

Sirius tugged at the trap door again, harder, until it finally flew open. He didn't remember climbing down, didn't remember James and Peter following him. He was too overcome by the smell, the sight, the sounds. The whimpers which had replaced the screams.

There was blood. Everywhere. Sirius had never seen such a thing. Blood splattered across the walls, the ceilings, covering the bright rugs that layered across the floor. Sirius couldn't imagine how so much blood could come from one person. Remus was at the center of it all, naked, writhing, covered in blood. Sirius heard vomiting behind him. James was throwing up at the entrance to the room. Peter looked pale.

Remus was covered in claw marks, deep gashes, across his back and arms. Sirius had prepared for that, he had mentally prepared for the cuts and scrapes and gashes that Remus would be covered in after his transformation. It made sense, with all of the scars that covered his pale skin. 

He wasn't prepared for the sight of Remus' leg- or rather, what had once been Remus' leg, torn to the bone below his knee. There wasn't much which remained below the knee of his left leg. His ankle, his foot. There was nothing but bone. Shattered, broken bone, torn muscles and ligaments where his ankle and foot should have been. Sirius could hardly breathe.

"Remus," he gasped. He was by his side in an instant, shaking hands held over Remus' thrashing body. He wasn't screaming anymore, just moaning and whimpering. His eyes were open, but unfocused, staring at the bloody ceiling above.

"Remus- Remus, it's okay. I can fix this. It's okay," Sirius stammered. He wasn't sure if he was comforting himself, or the broken boy shaking below him. He placed a trembling hand on Remus' bloody cheek, turning his face towards him. 

Remus' eyes glanced across his face. His eyes were glazed, foggy, filled with nothing but pain. "Sirius," he croaked. His voice was weak, ragged from the pain and the screaming. His face contorted with pain as tears streamed down his face. "Y-you shouldn't be here," he whispered.

Sirius just shook his head, pulling out his wand. He racked his brain for healing spells that would help ease the pain, slow the bleeding, spells that could do anything to help Remus before Poppy arrived. Poppy. They needed to get Poppy.

"Peter!" Sirius turned towards the pale boy behind him. "Get Poppy. Quickly! She's probably getting ready to come now. She'll be in the hospital wing." 

Peter just stood there, trembling, staring at Remus' bleeding figure.

"Peter! Go!" Sirius snapped. Peter nodded vigorously as understanding suddenly crossed his face. He turned on his heel, running back down the tunnel that had led them to the shack. 

Sirius set to work, whispering as he dragged healing charms across Remus' body. The gashes didn't close, but the bleeding eventually began to slow. He turned towards James as the spells worked to control the damage marring Remus' body.

"James, come here. I need your help." 

James was doubled over in the corner, still dry heaving. He shook his head at Sirius. "I-I can't." He gasped.

"James. I need your help. Remus needs your help." Sirius asserted, voice steely. He had to compose himself. For Remus. 

James sniffled and nodded, dragging himself to where Sirius knelt beside Remus. "What can I do? I don't know any healing spells that can fix this," he whispered.

"You know spells to numb pain, right? From Quidditch? You used one on Emmaline Vance last term when she broke her arm during practice. L-Lenio, or something like that, right? It's a pain relief charm. Do that," Sirius begged. James nodded hesitantly, pulling out his wand to whisper the charm across Remus' body. Sirius set to work on Remus' leg, trying his best to stop the bleeding and heal the wound as much as possible. His spells did nothing to heal the torn ligaments, muscles, and skin that hung off his leg. But the bleeding slowed enough.

When he finally looked back up at Remus, his eyes were closed. He couldn't tell if the pain relief charms had worked enough that he had fallen asleep, or if he had passed out. Sirius supposed it didn't matter too much either way. 

"What is taking Peter so long," Sirius cursed under his breath. Remus was pale, skin cold and clammy to the touch. He needed to get to the hospital wing as soon as possible. 

"Help me pick him up," Sirius said to James, standing suddenly. James just nodded numbly, eyes wide. Sirius gingerly placed one arm under Remus' neck, the other under his knees, and lifted him as gently as possible with James' help. Remus' head rolled back limply across his arm. His soft brown hair stuck against his damp forehead. Sirius would have been worried that Remus wasn't breathing if he didn't feel the soft thrum of his heartbeat against his own chest. 

They walked as fast as they could without running back through the tunnel. Remus' head rolled limply against Sirius' arm, but he tried not to think about that. He tried not to think about the blood that now stained Remus' soft, brown jumper. He tried not to think about the state of Remus' leg. He just needed to get him back to the castle, to the hospital wing, to Poppy. Then, everything would be alright. Remus would be fine.

As they burst out of the other side of the tunnel, illuminated by the light of dawn, they were met by a loud thud that shook the earth beneath them. A thin tree branch whipped past them, smacking across Sirius' face. He stumbled back, gripping Remus tightly. They had forgotten about the Whomping Willow and the knot that would disable it. 

"James! Hit the knot, quickly!" Sirius yelled as another branch whipped towards them. Sirius dove to the side as the branch swung towards James' ankles, knocking him off his feet. James cursed under his breath. His glasses were lying, shattered, by his side. He couldn't see the knot, Sirius realized. He watched as another branch flew towards him and Remus. Sirius turned his back towards it, bracing for the impact with his shoulders hunched over Remus' limp body. 

The impact never came. Sirius looked up as the tree stilled, turning back towards the castle. Peter and Poppy were running towards them. Poppy's wand was pointed towards the tree in an outstretched hand, a branch levitating near the knot. Sirius would have sighed with relief, if he had the time to do so. Instead, he ran towards Poppy and Peter with Remus held tightly in his arms. 

"Poppy- Madam Pomfrey, please, Remus is-" Sirius was panting as he approached the pair. Madam Pomfrey silently swished her wand, and suddenly Remus was lifted weightlessly from his arms. 

"Get back to the castle," Madam Pomfrey panted. "Quickly, before you're caught. Go back to your dormitory. I'll take care of Remus."

Sirius tried to protest, but Madam Pomfrey waved her free hand at him wildly. "Go!" She was gone, running back to the castle with Remus in tow, before he could argue otherwise.

Sirius sat on the edge of his seat, leg bouncing anxiously against the ground. The hospital wing was silent despite the two other boys that sat with him. James was sitting in a hospital bed, much against his own will. He had broken a rib when the Whopping Willow threw him against the ground, but Poppy had given him a potion that morning which had long since healed the wound. She forced him to sit in the hospital bed until she was certain he was fully healed.

Peter sat by Sirius' side. His face was still pale as he stared silently out of a nearby window. He was technically unharmed, but the mental strain of that morning had driven him silent for the remainder of the afternoon.

Sirius had received a healing potion for the bruise that had begun to blossom across his face after the willow branch smacked against his face that morning. He would have fought against the potion if he had the energy. It just hadn't been worth the fight.

Remus was asleep in the bed beside James. The curtains had been drawn between the beds for most of the morning and the afternoon, until Sirius had begged Poppy to let him see Remus. She had spent the entirety of the morning bustling around Remus with various potions and bandages in hand. Sirius had never seen her look so worn, so stressed. 

She had eventually reassured them that Remus would be alright, and that his leg would heal. Mostly. Werewolf wounds were notoriously a tricky thing to heal. She wasn't entirely certain that he would regain full function of the limb, but she had sounded optimistic. As far as Sirius knew, she hadn't mentioned the incident to Dumbledore, and it didn't seem as if she intended to. She clearly cared deeply for Remus. It would cause more problems than it would solve if Dumbledore knew that James, Sirius, and Peter had been at the shack that morning. Sirius was grateful for her discretion.

James was discharged from the hospital wing that evening and the boys were sent to dinner. Sirius refused to leave Remus' side, much to Poppy's disdain, but James brought him leftovers from dinner later that night. 

When Poppy tried to force Sirius back to the dormitory that night, he refused. She threatened to tell Dumbledore at that point, threatening detention- or worse- but Sirius stood his ground. Her threats were half-hearted, anyways. Eventually, she gave in and allowed Sirius to spend the night after forcing him to swear that he would not disturb Remus. He would never and, luckily, she believed him.

Sirius couldn't find sleep in the cot next to Remus' bed. He was exhausted from his lack of sleep the previous night and the events of that morning, but each time he closed his eyes his mind was filled with Remus' screams and the sight of Remus, torn and bloody on the floor of the shack. Instead, he watched Remus carefully as the other boy slept. His face was oddly peaceful, all things considered. He hadn't woken up since Sirius had carried him from the shack. Sirius was grateful. He didn't want Remus to realize the extent to his injuries until they had healed a bit more at least. 

Eventually, Sirius found himself eyeing the space in the bed next to Remus. He couldn't sleep in the cot, sure, but he was exhausted. And he found that sleep came easily when he was beside Remus. Just a few nights prior, when Remus had fallen asleep by the fire in the common room, he had slept in Remus' bed after carrying him to the dormitory. It was the best sleep he had gotten that year. 

Sirius looked around. Poppy had long since gone to bed, and the hospital wing was otherwise empty. She wouldn't have to know. He carefully pulled himself up onto the bed next to Remus, gently pulling a blanket over himself. The smell of blood was still present on Remus' skin, beneath the clean bandages that wrapped his arms and legs. Yet, he still smelled strongly of cinnamon and ginger. Sirius wondered how that was possible. But he couldn't complain. The smell was warm, and comforting, and so very Remus. He found sleep much faster, face pressed gently into the crook of Remus' neck.

Chapter Text

The chill of October finally crept over Hogwarts, cold air dampened by thorough warming charms and active fireplaces throughout the castle. Remus had long since broken out his thickest sweaters and warmest jumpers, but he still found himself shivering under the layers as he sat against the cold tiles of their dormitory bathroom. 

Remus had spent just over a week in the hospital wing after the previous full moon. Madam Pomfrey gave him a mostly clean bill of health by the second week of October, with the majority of his cuts and wounds fully healed and scarred over. The scars on his back and arms were still pink, fresh, sensitive, but they were easily covered by the layers draped across his body. His leg was a different story. The skin and muscles were mostly repaired, his ankle and foot finally resembling an actual limb rather than the bandaged lump that adorned his left leg for a week. But he still couldn't walk without the assistance of a crutch, even as October neared its end.

He had received questioning stares and odd looks from his classmates in the first week that he returned to classes. Sirius and James had made up a story about a prank gone viciously wrong, which eased the questioning to a degree. But Remus still felt uncomfortable passing other students as he hobbled through the halls of the castle two weeks later. He was surprisingly grateful that the other boys rarely left him on his own after the incident. James, Sirius, and Peter took turns accompanying Remus to classes, meals, and the library. He rarely ventured further than those three locations anymore. He preferred the solitude and quiet of their dormitory when he had nowhere else that he needed to be. 

Smoke trickled from his lips, drifting slowly to the ceiling of the lavatory. Remus watched it lazily, head tilted back against the cold tiles that adorned the walls. He absentmindedly rubbed the calf of his left leg, stretching it out across the floor in front of him. It didn't technically hurt anymore. Madam Pomfrey had given him plenty of pain relief potions in the wake of the accident and the wound was mostly healed. But a ghost of the pain still lingered and his ankle ached when he had nothing to distract him from the crippled limb. The weed helped. When his thoughts grew foggy, numbed, dull, he could almost forget about the pain. 

The joint warmed his fingertips as it burned down to the edge of the filter. Remus just watched, silently, as the gentle red glow ate away at the paper and singed his skin. He vanished it away with a flick of his wand when he grew tired of the sensation, satisfied enough by the high that clouded his mind. 

He missed his trips to the greenhouses, missed smoking outside, where the wind rustled his hair and grass stained his jeans. But the walk took too long with his crutch and his leg always hurt too much afterwards to walk back to Gryffindor tower. It didn't necessarily help that Sirius always tried to spend his free period with Remus, instead of spending the extra time on the Quidditch pitch like he had before the full moon. Remus would never complain about the company, though. Sirius' presence was comforting- and frequent- after the accident. Remus just missed smoking. He could only partake in the habit during the brief moments when Sirius and the other marauders were otherwise preoccupied and he could lock himself away in the bathroom. He was, once again, grateful for the charm which allowed him to hide the smell from the other boys. 

Remus startled as his thoughts were suddenly interrupted by loud banging on the bathroom door. 

"Mooony. Moony darling, let me in. The house elves really outdid themselves this time. I think they like you. I've got treacle tarts, pumpkin pasties, sticky toffee pudding, and-" Sirius broke off, presumably pressing his face against the edge of the door before loudly whispering, "hot cocoa." 

Right. Remus had almost forgotten that Sirius had left the dormitory to sneak snacks from the kitchens. Hence his current position being hidden away in the bathroom for a quick smoke. He waved his wand, whispering a quiet spell to charm the smell away. 

"Give me a sec, Sirius."

Remus braced himself against the wall and pulled himself up slowly until he was mostly standing, leaning heavily on the adjacent sink. He glanced up at the reflection in the mirror in front of him. 

His eyes were red, unsurprisingly. He pressed his lips together and stifled a laugh, lips quirked up. He looked ridiculous. The gap between his front teeth. The slight tint of purple under his eyes. Tawny curls covering his forehead and peaking out from behind his ears, twisting around the base of his neck. He desperately needed a haircut, but Remus was too lazy to pick up a pair of scissors and do it himself.

Soft freckles covered his nose and cheeks, split by faded scars that framed the edges of his face. One fresh, pink scar sliced across the bump of his nose. Remus forced his eyes away from his reflection, instead focusing on a bottle of mouthwash at the edge of the sink. It would probably be for the best if he disguised the stench of weed on his breath. As he rinsed out his mouth, Remus flicked his wand once more and silently charmed away the smell from his clothes. 

Banging echoed through the bathroom door once more. 

"Sirius, hold on," Remus laughed, spitting the mouthwash into the sink. He glanced one more time at his reflection. It probably wasn't too obvious that he was high. Sirius would just think he had been crying, or maybe he wouldn't even notice. He used muggle drops in his eyes to take away the redness, just in case.

Remus grabbed his crutch and leaned against it as he carefully opened the door. Sirius stood on the other side with his arm propped against the top edge of the doorframe. He leaned in towards Remus, a grin pulling at the edges of his lips. Remus felt heat curl up his neck. Sirius wasn't taller than him, but from this angle- and the way he was leaning on his crutch- Remus had to look up slightly to meet his eyes.

"Took you long enough. Your hot cocoa is getting cold."

Remus felt his cheeks flush. Sirius' face was close to his, gray eyes watching him intently. He watched as Sirius' eyes flickered down his face before quickly meeting his own again. Remus sucked in a sharp breath. 

"Erm- sorry. Didn't realize I was taking so long," Remus breathed out. He swallowed hard and pushed gently past Sirius into the dormitory. He missed the look of disappointment that flashed across Sirius' face. 

Sirius strode past Remus quickly, collapsing onto his bed. There was a tray of sweets on the bedside table, two steaming mugs in the middle. Remus suppressed a smile. Sirius had clearly charmed the mugs of cocoa to stay hot. There was no real concern that they would have gotten cold. 

Afternoon sun streamed through the windows into their dormitory. They had long since finished up with classes for the day. Meanwhile, Peter and James were likely sitting in Astronomy listening to Professor Sinistra drone on about spectral classifications and space oddities. Remus didn't envy them. 

He sat gingerly at the edge of Sirius' bed, propping his crutch against one of the bedposts. Sirius was already eating a pumpkin pasty with one hand, holding out a treacle tart in the other. Remus accepted the treat silently. He loved smoking, being high, erasing his thoughts. The only downside was that it made him want to eat. So. Much. He figured one treacle tart couldn't hurt, though.

"I think I'm failing Charms," Sirius said suddenly through a mouthful of pumpkin. Remus just rolled his eyes with a huff. Sirius couldn't fail Charms if he tried. He couldn't fail any class if he tried. Growing up in a pureblood household descended from a lineage of powerful wizards had its perks. Although, Remus thought to himself, the downsides of Sirius' upbringing severely outweighed the positives. 

"Honest!" Sirius sat up. "Flitwick hates me. You should have seen what he wrote on my last Charms paper. He practically scratched everything out. It's not even legible!"

Remus tilted his head back as he laughed. "You're not failing Charms, Sirius. I'm failing Charms. And you know that."

He pointed his half eaten tart at the other boy dramatically. "Don't try to cry wolf to me. After all, I'm the wolf. You can't prank me." Remus couldn't suppress the giggle that forced its way from his chest. 

Sirius stared at Remus incredulously, lips tugged up into a confused smile. 

"What? Moony, that doesn't even make any sense."

Remus continued giggling, almost drunkenly, as he laid across the bed. "I forget you don't know any muggle stories. You know, the boy who cried wolf? Aesop's fables?"

Sirius just shook his head, looking increasingly confused.

"Mmph." Remus popped the rest of the tart into his mouth as he tried to remember how the story went. 

"Well, in the story there's this shepherd boy who messes with the adults in his village and tells them all that there's a wolf attacking his sheep," Remus said through a mouthful of treacle.

"He does this a few times, and each time the villagers arrive at his farm and there's no wolf. I guess he just does it because he's bored, but he finds it funny when they get there and nothing is wrong."

Remus paused suddenly, a breath catching in his throat. Sirius was watching him intently, gray eyes unwavering. An amused smile graced his lips. Remus found himself losing his train of thought as he stared back at Sirius. Eventually, the other boy waved his hand, gesturing for him to continue. Remus felt his cheeks flush once again. He turned his head up to the canopy above the bed before continuing

"Right. Erm. Well, after he does this a few times, there actually is a wolf that attacks his farm. And he runs to the villagers screaming 'Wolf! Wolf!' but nobody listens because they think he's pranking them again. So he ends up losing half his flock because he had lied so many times that nobody believed him. It's just an old wives tale that mothers tell their children so they don't lie. 'Cause if you lie too much, people won't believe you when you're telling the truth."

When Sirius doesn't respond immediately, Remus looked over at him again to see him nodding thoughtfully. 

"So I can't lie to you because you're a werewolf?"

Sirius was smirking, clearly joking. Remus propped himself up on one elbow and shoved Sirius with a laugh.

"No, you dimwit. You can't lie to me about failing charms because I'm the one failing charms. I just thought it was a relevant joke cause I'm a werewolf."

"Of course. My apologies for not knowing all of the silly little muggle tales you love to reference," Sirius grinned.

He was leaning towards Remus, who was still laying back on the bed propped up by his elbows. Remus allowed himself to lean forward slightly as well. They sat like that for what felt like minutes. Both silent. Staring at one another. Neither breaking eye contact.

Remus watched as Sirius swallowed hard, his Adam's apple moving up and down. He admired the way Sirius' thin neck was accentuated by silver necklaces and dark hair curling over his shoulders. Remus had learned that Sirius was purposefully growing out his hair, refusing haircut offers from the Gryffindor girls. He was glad. He liked the waves of black hair that curled around Sirius' face, across his forehead. There was one long strand in particular that had slipped over one of his eyes as they talked. Remus wanted to tuck the strand behind his ear, away from his face, away from his eyes. He wanted to see Sirius clearly. 

After a breath of silence, Remus realized that his hand had involuntarily raised itself to Sirius' face. He froze, cheeks hot. He hadn't meant to raise his hand. He had only thought about it. But the line between thoughts and actions was blurred in his inebriated state. He had to decide, quickly, whether he would brush the hair out of Sirius' face or drop his hand back down.

Remus hadn't consciously made a decision. Yet, there he was, watching as his own fingers brushed lightly over Sirius' cheek to tuck the strand of hair behind his ear. His hand lingered for a moment, combing softly through the length of dark hair before dropping down to the bed. He watched as a shaky breath escaped Sirius' parted lips. His pale cheeks were tinged pink.

Sirius moved suddenly, leaning to the side of the bed to grab the mugs of hot cocoa on the bedside table. 

"We keep forgetting about the hot cocoa. The warming charm will wear off eventually." His voice was soft. Sirius didn't meet Remus' eyes as he held a mug out to him. "You should drink it." 

Remus reached up silently and wrapped his hand around the warm mug, grateful for the distraction. His fingers brushed against Sirius' ever so slightly, and Remus' hand jerked at the sensation. Hot cocoa spilled over both of their hands and onto the quilt of Sirius' bed. 

"Shit. Shit, I'm sorry Sirius." Remus sat up suddenly. He placed the mug back on the table and fumbled around the bed for his wand.

"Are you alright? Did I burn your hand?" 

"It's fine, don't worry about it, Moons." Sirius' wand was already in his hand, the chocolate stain erased from the quilt before he could think twice about it. Remus just sighed, pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes. Maybe he should stop getting high in front of Sirius. He was acting a fool.

The boys sat in silence again, nursing their hot cocoas without making eye contact. Remus could see Sirius in the corner of his eye, watching him, trying to meet his eyes again. But Remus refused to look at him fully. He just sat quietly with his thoughts, trying to pick apart why he got so worked up when he was alone with Sirius. 

Remus had never dated anyone. He had never kissed a girl, or even had a crush on one. He could certainly appreciate the appeal of the girls in their year. Girls like Lily- soft, intelligent, kind, and caring. Like Mary- funny, bubbly, flirtatious. Or Emmeline Vance- tall, witty, bold. They were all aesthetically attractive to Remus, in their own ways. But he wouldn't say that he had a crush on any of them. He couldn't imagine himself kissing them, or taking them on dates to Hogsmeade. He certainly couldn't imagine taking his clothes off in front of a girl. Exposing himself, his scars. It wasn't logical, anyways, for Remus to attempt to date anybody. He was a monster twelve nights out of the year. He had bad days, bad weeks, wounds and injuries and problems and it would be impossible to explain it all to a person he cared about. He couldn't burden anyone with that knowledge.

The marauders were an obvious exception. He hadn't technically told them- James and Sirius had figured it out in second year. Twelve-year-old Remus should have given them more credit. They were smarter than he had anticipated and ended up tracking the dates he was mysteriously sick or visiting his mum. After a few months, they discovered the obvious pattern of the full moon. Between his scars, time spent in the hospital wing, and the consistency of the days he went missing, they had come to the clear conclusion that their roommate was a real and true werewolf. Remus hadn't been able to deny it when they confronted him. But it all worked out, in the end. They cared about him enough that it didn't matter if Remus was sometimes a vicious, uncontrollable monster. He was their friend first and foremost.

Then they had all gone and made themselves animagi. They had spent weeks, months, researching and completing a complicated- and very illegal- series of rituals and spells for Remus. Because they cared for him. Because they wanted to help him, because they saw him in pain every month and couldn't bear it. Of course he would have stronger feelings for Sirius- and James, and Peter- than he would for any of the girls at Hogwarts. He loved them. All of them. And they loved him dearly. Deep down, he knew that. Even if he sometimes struggled to admit it.

Yet, Remus knew the way he felt and acted around Sirius was different. Their relationship, their friendship, it wasn't like his friendship with James or with Peter. It was as if Sirius could read his mind. He knew what Remus was thinking, what Remus wanted, what Remus was feeling, sometimes before Remus was even aware of his own desires. Oftentimes, Remus was convinced he could read Sirius' mind too. He could tell when Sirius was having trouble sleeping because of nightmares or fights with Reggie. He knew when Sirius needed to go outside, get on a broom, have some fresh air. He knew where Sirius would sneak off to smuggle a secret cigarette or two when he was having a particularly bad day. And sure, Remus knew that James and Sirius were close as well. Closer, even. They were practically brothers. But this... was different. Remus and Sirius. It was different. At least, to Remus, it felt that way. 

Remus snuck a glance at Sirius when he was sure the other boy was no longer looking at him. He watched as Sirius picked mindlessly at a loose thread on his quilt. Watched as slim fingers adorned by silver rings tugged and pulled at the string of fabric. Fringe was covering his eyes again and he was chewing on his bottom lip, a smudge of chocolate at the corner of his mouth. Remus allowed himself a small smile. 

Sirius was aesthetically attractive. He was tall- not taller than Remus or James, but still notably tall- and lithe. He was toned from quidditch practice, shoulders and chest broad from his efforts as a beater. His skin was flawless, uncracked porcelain, save for a single freckle near the corner of his left eye. His eyes were impossibly gray, colorless yet full of life, a stunning silver when the sun was in his face. Those lips- so soft, pink, plump. Remus felt his face flush. He could imagine himself kissing Sirius. Imagine himself running his fingers through Sirius' dark hair, grasping his face, pulling him in and- Remus stiffened as heat curled below his abdomen. He could imagine himself doing much more than just kissing Sirius. 

Fuck. Shit. Remus had never fancied a girl before, sure, but he knew this feeling. He knew what it meant.

He had a crush. 

Dark gray eyes met his and Remus suddenly found himself out of breath. He wanted to kiss Sirius. He wanted Sirius to kiss him. And with the way Sirius was looking at him, dark eyes peering out from behind his fringe, Remus could almost imagine that Sirius might even want to kiss him too. Remus shook his head slightly, glancing back down at his hot cocoa. He was being ridiculous. Sirius was straight. Very straight. He had kissed or hooked up with a quarter of the girls in their year and some of the year above them too. And even if Sirius did like blokes, Remus was kidding himself if he thought Sirius would ever want to kiss him. Remus wasn't exactly kissing material. He was too much of an eyesore. 

"Do you want to head down to the common room and work on Charms homework?" Sirius asked suddenly. His voice was soft, almost hesitant. It was uncharacteristic for Sirius to be shy, quiet, or hesitant in any capacity. But Remus was glad for the distraction. He wasn't sure how long they had been sitting on the bed quietly, but it was probably nearing an awkward silence.

"Sure. That's probably a good idea."

Remus watched as Sirius removed himself from the bed and dug around in his bag for his Charms textbook. He didn't realize he was staring until Sirius spoke again. 

"Enjoying the view, Moony?" He was smirking. Remus stuttered, trying to find an excuse for his blatant staring. 

"Are those my jeans?" Remus was relieved when the words left his mouth. That was definitely a good excuse. And they definitely were his jeans. 

Sirius barked out a laugh. "You're only just now noticing? I've been wearing them all day. Didn't feel like doing laundry. Your clothes are more comfortable anyways." 

Remus just laughed and pulled himself off of the bed carefully, leaning against his crutch. He didn't argue when Sirius grabbed his books from him and carried them down to the common room. And he didn't argue when Sirius sat on the end of the couch beside him, crossing his legs over Remus' thighs. He just propped his Charms textbook over Sirius' shins, one hand rested lightly on Sirius' exposed ankle. 

He didn't end up reading more than a few pages of the chapter he was supposed to finish that night. And he tried not to notice when Sirius stayed on the same page of his textbook for over fifteen minutes, sneaking glances at Remus over the top of the book instead of reading. He just focused on the feeling of Sirius' skin beneath his hand, the sharp bones of his ankle, the dark hair scattered across the exposed skin below his cuffed jeans. The soft thrum of Sirius' heartbeat, pounding quickly below his fingertips.

Remus was so fucked.

Chapter Text

Sirius was wearing Remus’ sweater.

It wasn’t a problem. And it wasn’t particularly surprising. Remus had noticed Sirius wearing his jeans, muggle shirts, sweaters, and even his thick wool socks more and more frequently as the term progressed. Remus was normally quite possessive of his belongings- especially his sweaters- but he didn’t particularly mind Sirius borrowing from his wardrobe. Actually, he enjoyed the way his shirts looked stretched across Sirius’ shoulders. The way Sirius had to cuff Remus’ jeans so they weren’t too long. The way his sweaters tapered along Sirius’ waist. And it meant his clothes often smelled of Sirius when he wore them later in the week. 

Remus valued little else over his own comfort, which was made clear by his wardrobe filled with old sweaters and soft jumpers. His favorite article of clothing by far was a deep maroon sweater, crocheted with a fair isle pattern highlighted by cool blue and bright white stitches. His mother had crocheted the jumper for him the previous year as a Christmas gift, two sizes too large so he would have a chance to grow into it. It was still quite large on Remus, making it one of the most comfortable sweaters in his collection. But it fit snug around Sirius’ shoulders and biceps. And the blue and white stitches highlighted his gray eyes, making them glow silver. 

Sirius wearing his clothes wasn’t a problem. Actually, Remus quite liked it. From where he was sitting on the couch in the common room nearest to the fireplace, Remus had a clear view of Sirius. Sirius, draped across an armchair on the other side of the common room. Sirius, sucking on a sugar quill while he thumbed deftly through his Potions textbook. Sirius, wearing Remus’ favorite sweater, periodically glancing up from his textbook to meet Remus’ eyes across the common room.

That was a problem. Remus was meant to be studying for Potions, hence the textbook open haphazardly in his lap. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, he was watching Sirius from across the common room. Watching the way his cheeks hollowed around the sugar quill. The way his sweater stretched across his biceps when he turned to the next page of his textbook. The way his lips quirked up when they made eye contact. Remus felt as if he was going feral.

The reason wasn't all that inexplicable. It was nearing the end of October and with the full moon only a few days away, Remus was experiencing a subsequent surge of hormones and heightened emotions. His revelation just a few days prior- regarding his newfound feelings towards Sirius- didn’t exactly help. He could feel the wolf under his skin every time he glanced at Sirius, could feel as it clawed at his chest, at his throat. The wolf and all of its possessive urges. Remus didn't often agree with the wolf or its desires. But in this instance, as he watched Sirius twist a strand of dark hair slowly around his finger, Remus and the wolf found one specific thing they could agree on.

It didn’t help that Sirius had been insufferably clingy for several days. Remus found that Sirius was everywhere he turned. If Remus was headed to the lavatory, Sirius was suddenly there with the intention to shower, wrapped in nothing but a towel. When Remus was on his way to the Great Hall for meals, Sirius was by his side, leaning into him and supporting him as he walked. If Remus was in the library, Sirius was too, legs propped up in Remus’ lap while he read. Even now, when Remus had gone down to the common room to study, Sirius suddenly appeared across from him with a book. Remus let out a shaky breath.

"Remus, are you alright?"

Remus startled at the voice which penetrated his thoughts. He had forgotten that Lily was sitting beside him on the couch. Right. They had been studying for Potions together. Remus glanced down at the textbook in his hand, at the crumpled edge of the page twisted in his clenched fist. His face flushed with embarrassment. He could feel Sirius smirking from across the room.

"Erm. Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine Lils. Just got caught up in my thoughts."

Lily was staring at him with those wide, deep green eyes which seemed to stare into his very soul. She glanced across the common room at Sirius, who was suddenly thoroughly engrossed in his book.

"Right. Your thoughts," she said. She didn't sound particularly convinced. 

Remus chewed on the inside of his cheek, staring blindly at the textbook in his lap. He could hardly focus on his own thoughts, much less the potions homework in front of him. The approaching full moon- amongst other things- clouded his thoughts.

"Remus-" Lily started, placing a gentle hand on his wrist. Remus jerked his arm away at the sudden touch, sucking in a sharp inhale. The corners of Lily’s lips turned downwards.

"S-sorry, Lily. I'm not feeling the best." Remus took a deep breath. He was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Overstimulated. Suffocated by the emotions surging through his chest, the wolf clawing at his throat, the pain pounding at his skull. The sights and smells and sounds of the common room. The desire burning through his veins. He wasn’t used to this feeling. Remus’ fingers began to tremble, slightly.

"Is it because of Sirius?" She asked, her voice gentle. Her hand still lingered near his, but hovered over his arm instead of touching. 

Remus tasted iron as his teeth tore at the skin of his cheek. "What do you mean? Why would it be because of Sirius?" 

Lily shrugged, once again looking at Sirius from across the room. He seemed oblivious, pointedly keeping his eyes on the textbook in his hands. Remus couldn’t help but notice that Sirius never turned the page.

"I dunno. You've been watching Sirius all day. Did he do something to upset you?"

Remus stifled a laugh. He could hardly tell Lily what he was feeling, what he was thinking. He couldn’t exactly explain how he felt when he saw Sirius wearing his sweater. How the wolf felt. Remus swallowed hard. He was used to the heightened emotions that he usually experienced so close to the full moon. But this was different. He felt overwhelmed. 

Remus forced a casual smile. He tried to ignore the way his skin stretched tightly across his cheeks.

"He's wearing my sweater," Remus clarified. "I'm just annoyed 'cause it's my favorite sweater and I'm worried he's going to ruin it."

Lily nodded, somewhat hesitantly, but seemed to believe his excuse. It wasn't a lie, after all. Remus was experiencing a sort of annoyance about the sweater. It was just a half-truth. 

She bumped her shoulder gently against his. "You shouldn't let him walk all over you and take your things. If you don't want Sirius to wear your clothes, you should just tell him."

Remus shook his head, allowing himself to lean into her shoulder in return. "I don’t care that much. I’m just feeling a bit out of sorts today. Sorry.” He looked pointedly at the unfinished potions homework in front of them.

Lily leaned her head onto his shoulder with a soft yawn. 

“It’s alright, Remus. It’s Friday. I didn’t plan to get a lot done tonight, anyway. And we can always finish our potions homework on Sunday.”

Remus just nodded silently. He didn’t mention that he likely wouldn’t feel up to studying or doing homework on Sunday. Not with the full moon that Monday night. It wasn’t worth the effort to try and come up with an excuse. 

The quiet of the common room was abruptly disrupted as the portrait hole slammed open and James, Peter, Dorcas, and Marlene burst in. They were laughing and loudly discussing something Remus couldn’t quite decipher, hands full of butterbeer and firewhiskey. Remus groaned quietly. They clearly had plans for the group that night and Remus wouldn’t have a choice but to join.

James stopped laughing as his eyes hovered over Remus and Lily’s position on the couch. Her head was still on his shoulder, her hand still hovering over his arm, and they had leaned into one another over the course of their conversation. Remus pulled himself away from her as he watched James’ face drop. 

“Moony. Lily. Hey.” James’ stood still at the entrance to the common room, arms hung loosely at his sides.

Remus cursed himself inwardly. He knew it would be clear to anyone with common sense that they were just friends. Neither Lily nor Remus displayed any sort of interest in the other to suggest otherwise. But when it came to Lily, James had no common sense. It would be difficult to control the fallout of this one. 

He noticed Sirius was already standing and making his way over to James, clearly aware of the situation and its implications. 

“Prongsy! We were all just working on some potions homework. You’re just in time. We needed a distraction.” 

Sirius grabbed a firewhiskey bottle from James’ limp hand and cracked it open. He threw his arm over James’ shoulder and took a long swig of the drink without flinching, before shoving it into James’ chest. James watched Sirius blankly for a moment. Eventually, he tilted the bottle to his lips and threw back a mouthful of firewhiskey

Sirius took James’ silence in stride, reassured by his willingness to drink, and opened his arms out to the current inhabitants of the common room. 

“What’s the plan tonight, lads and ladies? What kind of mischief should we get up to on this fine Friday evening?”

“We could play some drinking games?” Peter chimed. Sirius whirled on the spot, pointing a ringed finger at Peter dramatically. 

“Wormy, my boy! That’s the spirit!” He cheered. “Gather around, everyone. Grab a drink.”

Sirius turned towards Remus and Lily with a sly grin before he collapsed into the space on the couch between them. He wrapped one arm around Remus’ shoulders, the other grasping a new bottle of firewhiskey. He pushed the bottle towards Remus and pressed his face close to his ear.

“Have a drink, Moony,” Sirius whispered. 

Remus shivered at the proximity. As much as his bones ached and his head pounded, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to get through this evening sober. And Sirius was pressed up against his side, wearing Remus’ favorite sweater, smelling strongly of sage and coconut and firewhiskey. He needed a distraction. 

Remus took a long drink from the firewhiskey bottle, prompting cheers from Sirius, Peter, Dorcas, and Marlene. James just slumped into an armchair near Lily, uncharacteristically quiet.

“Alright, Moony. Lily. Wormtail. Our resident muggle experts. What sort of drinking game will get us proper sloshed?” Sirius leaned forward into the circle of people. It was a small group, consisting of the marauders, Lily, Dorcas, Marlene, and Mary. Just the Gryffindor fifth years.

“Well, we could do Truth or Dare,” Lily pondered. Remus was surprised that Lily was contributing to the event at all, much less participating. 

“Or we could play Never Have I Ever,” Peter added. Sirius snapped his fingers excitedly at that.

“Wormy, you’re killing it tonight. Let’s do that one, that sounds fun.” Sirius was practically bouncing with excitement. Remus was relieved to see that James was at least somewhat interested in the game, now leaning forward in his seat.

“How do you play?” James asked. Peter explained the rules and the group quickly agreed that the game was an appropriate method to achieving their goal of getting hammered. 

“Alright then. Wormy, you go first, since it was your idea,” Sirius gestured at Peter enthusiastically. 

“Erm. Okay. Well, let's see…” Peter looked up at the common room ceiling for a moment as he considered the first prompt of the night. His face snapped back down towards the group suddenly, a nasty grin plastered across his face.

“Never have I ever played Quidditch.” 

James,Sirius, and Dorcas groaned simultaneously, all taking swigs from their respective bottles of firewhiskey. 

“Dirty move, Wormy,” Sirius tisked. “You’ll be regretting that one when it's my turn.” He gestured to Mary, who was sitting on the floor next to Peter. 

“Your turn, Mary.”

Mary hummed softly as she considered her options. The corners of her lips quirked up slightly.

“Never have I ever pranked somebody.”

The four boys protested immediately. 

“That is so targeted, Mary, that’s not fair-”

“Define ‘pranked’-”

“That’s just rude, Mary, c’mon-”

Mary shook her head, dismissing their complaints. “Shut it and drink up. This is just the way of the game, boys. You’ve got to play dirty if you want to win.” She smirked.

“I don’t think you can win at Never Have I Ever,” Lily mumbled. Remus just laughed.

Sirius leaned into Remus as he drank from his firewhiskey bottle, handing it off to Remus so he could take a drink as well. Remus felt himself flush as he took another sip of the harsh drink. He grimaced at the taste.

After Mary, it was James’ turn. Remus felt anxiety begin to claw its way into his throat as James looked pointedly at him before he spoke. 

“Never have I ever smoked weed.” 

The prompt elicited various reactions. Dorcas and Sirius turned to James immediately, asking what “weed” was. Mary raised her bottle of butterbeer to her lips dramatically. Peter asked James to clarify whether he was only referring to “smoking” weed or ingesting weed in general. Remus silently took the bottle from Sirius once more, taking a long drink. 

Sirius, Dorcas, Peter, and Lily were watching Remus while James explained what weed was. Although his definition wasn’t entirely accurate, Peter jumped in to clarify its effects, and they all just looked a bit shocked as Remus pulled the bottle of firewhiskey away from his lips. 

“What?”

“I didn’t realize you’ve tried muggle drugs,” Sirius said, staring at Remus with an odd expression on his face. Remus shrugged awkwardly

Mary grinned, lifting her bottle to Remus in solidarity. “Alright, Remus, ya cheeky bastard. Didn’t realize you partake, or else I would have shared.” 

Remus felt himself flush. Before he could respond, James jumped in and interrupted. 

“Remus hasn’t just tried it. He smokes it all the time in the dormitory bathroom. Uses a charm I showed him a few years ago to hide the smell.”

James was watching Remus carefully as he spoke, his face expressionless. Remus felt his stomach sink. He knew James was at least somewhat aware of his habit. But he hadn’t realized James was keeping track of how often- and where- he smoked. And he hadn’t realized James was upset enough about his proximity to Lily to expose his habits to the group.

Sirius leaned into Remus again. “You’ll let me try it, right?” he whispered into his ear. 

Remus’ cheeks warmed as he felt Sirius’ breath against his neck. For some ungodly reason, Sirius just kept getting closer and closer to him as the night progressed. He was practically on top of Remus at this point. It wasn’t all that odd- Sirius was generally touchy and close with all of the marauders. Like a dog, he loved attention and often flung himself across anyone who would entertain his affections. But this was almost obscene. 

Remus just nodded, slightly, in an attempt to hide himself from further attention. To his relief, the conversation quickly moved on. It was Lily’s turn. 

“Never have I ever kissed a girl,” Lily said, quickly. She must have prepared that one early. 

Sirius, Dorcas, Marlene, and Peter drank. Remus, Sirius, and James stared at Peter in shock. 

“Wormy!” Sirius exclaimed. “Are you kidding me? Who popped your cherry? I can’t believe you’ve kissed a girl and never told us!”

Peter’s cheeks were bright red. He just shrugged, in an effort to seem nonchalant, but instead he came across as awkward and uncomfortable. 

“Just a muggle girl at home over the summer,” he mumbled. 

Sirius and Remus shared a look, stifling smiles as they practically read each other’s mind. Neither of them believed Peter. It wasn’t all that unlikely that he was making it up. The firewhiskey in their blood made it harder for them to suppress their giggles.

“Good on you, Pete. It’s about time,” James lifted his firewhiskey bottle in the air, oblivious to the thought that Remus and Sirius had shared.

Then, it was Remus’ turn. And, between the firewhiskey, his oversensitive emotions, and Sirius’ thigh pressed against his own, he was feeling bold. He knew what to ask, and he knew the response that he hoped to elicit. He took a deep breath, as if the air would give him the required courage.

“Never have I ever kissed a bloke.”

Mary and Sirius drank.

The room fell silent. 

Remus felt his breath hitch in his throat as Sirius pulled the firewhiskey bottle away from his lips. He wasn’t sure what emotion he should have felt at that moment. After all, this was the response he had hoped for. A clear indication that Sirius might fancy men after all. But he hadn’t expected it. And clearly, none of the other fifth years had expected it either. All except for James, who was grinning knowingly. Of course, if anyone would know that Sirius fancied blokes, it would be James.

“Sirius-” Peter started. 

“What, Wormy?” Sirius snapped. 

“Is there a problem?” James asked. There was a clear warning underlying his tone.

He hadn’t realized it at first, but Sirius was trembling ever so slightly beside him. He was nervous. Remus placed a comforting hand on Sirius’ knee and nudged him gently with his shoulder. Sirius returned the gesture with a tight-lipped smile.

Peter shook his head wildly. “No, no problem, Prongs.” He turned towards Sirius. 

“It’s just… I don’t think any of us knew you were a poof. You’ve been with so many girls, it's just a surprise.” 

Sirius gritted his teeth at Peter’s choice of words and Remus tightened his grip on Sirius’ knee in a quick attempt to comfort and calm the boy down. It seemed to work, as Sirius didn’t get up from the couch to confront Peter physically. 

“Oh, sod off. I’m not a poof,” Sirius snapped. Remus felt his heart begin to sink, but Sirius continued speaking. 

“I like girls and boys. Don’t see why that would be such a big deal,” Sirius shrugged. “Didn’t assume I needed your permission to kiss blokes, so it was never worth mentioning. Figured you’d realize it eventually.” 

Remus tried to keep his cool. He could feel the firewhiskey blurring his mind. He enjoyed it enough, although he preferred the fog that weed brought to his mind. Especially because his heart was thudding against his chest so hard, he was almost certain the others could hear it. 

The game continued. Dorcas and Marlene’s turns passed, then Peter’s once again, and they kept going until they were all properly trashed. Remus felt loose, relaxed, comfortable in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. He didn’t drink frequently, and had never truly gotten this drunk, but he could understand why people did it. It was fun. 

They were all being obnoxiously loud, leaning and falling into one another with a grace that only drunk teenagers could muster. Remus had his head on Sirius’ shoulder, neck tilted back as he laughed at something Peter said which probably wasn’t all that funny. He felt Sirius’ face near his own, warm and red from the firewhiskey. Remus turned his head, pressing his nose against the crook of Sirius’ neck and inhaling. Sirius smelled lovely. He always smelled lovely. 

“Thank you,” Sirius laughed softly. Remus pulled away suddenly, eyes wide, face flushed. Had he said that out loud? Sirius was clearly looking at him and the words were definitely directed at him. Remus flustered.

“I- erm. I didn't mean to- Did I say that out loud?” Remus stammered. Sirius threw his head back and laughed. The sound was like music to Remus’ ears. 

“You did say that out loud, Moony,” Sirius grinned. He watched him carefully, seeming oddly sober considering the state of the other fifth years. 

“You’re really, proper sloshed right now, aren’t you Moony?”

Remus just nodded, a loose smile on his lips. He couldn’t feel the anxiety that he would surely be experiencing, twisting around his chest and stomach, if he had been sober. He didn’t even care that Sirius had heard him. He just sat, quietly, watching Sirius. Admiring the way his hair spilled over his shoulders. The way his pale skin was flushed a bright pink. The silver glow of his eyes against the dark maroon of his sweater. Remus’ sweater. He frowned, suddenly.

“That’s. My sweater.” Remus mumbled, pressing a finger to Sirius’ chest. 

“I know,” Sirius smiled. 

“That’s my favorite sweater, Sirius.” He was slurring his words, ever so slightly.

Remus’ eyebrows knit together in an expression of drunken frustration. Sirius didn’t seem to understand the implications. The surge of emotions it elicited from Remus. He didn’t understand that he was wearing Remus’ sweater. His favorite sweater. And he didn’t understand that he looked too bloody good in it.

Sirius leaned in to him, slightly. “I know.”

Remus felt his breath hitch. They were face to face, noses almost touching. He swallowed hard. 

“It looks good,” he whispered. 

“I know.” Sirius said, slowly. His eyes were a stormy gray, peering out from behind his dark fringe. For a moment, Remus almost forgot that they were surrounded by other people. His eyes flickered across Sirius’ face, towards the soft pink of his lips. When he glanced back up to meet Sirius’ gaze, the other boy's eyes were dark, pupils blown.

“Alright!” James’ voice suddenly broke through his thoughts, dragging his attention away from Sirius’ eyes. Remus realized, suddenly, that the four marauders were now alone in the common room. The girls must have gone upstairs.

“I reckon it's time to hit the sheets.” James dragged Sirius up by his elbow, despite the other boy’s drunken protests. 

“You’re too drunk.”

Remus heard James whisper into Sirius’ ear. It was a proper whisper, but it didn’t account for Remus’ sensitive hearing.

“You’ll regret it.”

The words replayed in Remus’ inebriated mind as the four boys made their way haphazardly up the stairs to their dormitory. James had said Sirius would regret it. Because he was too drunk. But what was it? What was James referring to? What would Sirius regret?

Chapter Text

Remus woke the next morning with a pounding headache and aching joints. In truth, it was hardly morning by the time he opened his eyes. Judging by the silence of the dormitory and the sunlight streaming through the windows, it was likely closer to noon. Sirius and James had long since gone off to practice at the Quidditch pitch and Peter was off doing whatever it was he did on Saturdays. Remus pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes with a groan. 

The events of the previous night flooded his mind, his memory clouded by firewhiskey and butterbeer. He had clearly drunk far too much. Although, that must have been true for all of the Gryffindor fifth years. Remus could barely remember getting into his own bed at the end of the night. His eyes snapped open suddenly as the fragments of that night became clearer. James, bitterly exposing his smoking habits. Sirius, coming out to the group as queer. The close proximity of their faces as Remus confronted him about his sweater. James, pulling Sirius away from him. The words, ‘You’ll regret it,’ replayed in his mind yet again. 

Remus still wasn’t sure what James had been referring to when he scolded Sirius. Sure, Sirius had been quite drunk. But, by that point, they had all been properly inebriated. It would have been a bit too late in the night for James to tell Sirius he would regret getting so drunk. And Sirius had only been talking to Remus at the time. He hadn’t been participating in any particularly roguish activities that would inevitably be regretful. So, what else could he have been referring to? What else could Sirius have possibly regretted doing in that moment? Remus’ stomach twisted. Whether it was from nerves or the effects of the liquor in his gut, he couldn’t tell. 

He quickly decided that the statement wasn’t worth lingering on. He felt gross and sweaty in his distinctly unwashed state. Showering was more of a priority than any wasted efforts to decipher James’ drunken rambles. Remus stood slowly, searching the side of his bed for his crutch. His stomach sank when his efforts to locate the crutch failed. He must have left it in the common room and drunkenly hobbled upstairs without it the previous night. That would explain the dull, throbbing ache of his left ankle. Remus eyed the door to the lavatory across the room. It wasn’t that far of a walk. He could probably make his way over there without too much pain or discomfort. 

Luckily, he managed to make it into the shower without catastrophe. He let the hot water wash away the hangover that clung to his skin, almost moaning at the relief it brought to his sore joints. When he was satisfied that he no longer smelled of sweat and firewhiskey, he turned off the water and carefully exited the shower. He was grateful that the steam from his dangerously hot shower clouded the mirror in front of him as he brushed and flossed his teeth. Water dripped from his fringe into his eyes, which he blinked away with a grimace. His hair was truly getting far too long. He would have to ask Lily to cut it soon. 

The dormitory was still empty when he exited the bathroom, much to his relief. He should have been used to changing in front of the other boys after nearly five years of sharing a room with them. However, the thought of changing in front of the other boys, of exposing the bright pink scars that littered his torso and legs, caused a surge of anxiety to grip at his chest. Changing in the privacy of the bathroom- or an empty dormitory- was the only way to escape that anxiety. If the other boys had noticed his newfound modesty, they never said anything. Remus was grateful for the lack of commentary on his dressing habits. 

After tugging on a pair of loose trousers and throwing an old jumper over his head, Remus collapsed across his bed with a sigh. The throbbing of his ankle was much more noticeable after his unsupported walk to and from the shower. He would have liked to go down to the common room to search for his crutch, and perhaps venture to the Great Hall for lunch, but the aching of his joints deterred him from any such efforts. Missing lunch wasn’t too much of a loss in his eyes, anyways. 

The rest of that afternoon found Remus curled in his bed with a book. He was distinctly aware that he should have been studying instead of reading for leisure. His Potions homework was still glaringly unfinished, and he had a Charms essay that desperately needed a conclusion. But his Potions textbook was still down in the Common Room and he couldn’t bring himself to search through his bag for the unfinished Charms essay. Instead, Remus spent the majority of his Saturday afternoon thoroughly engrossed in a copy of Tales and Fantasies by one R. L. Stevenson. He only took time away from his reading to smoke a quick joint in the privacy of the lavatory before he continued making his way through the book. 

His reading was inevitably disrupted several hours later, just as he was beginning to near the end of the book, when James and Sirius loudly burst into the dormitory. 

“Did you see Emmaline’s eyes by the end of practice?” James laughed, too engrossed in his conversation with Sirius to notice Remus across the room. The two boys were sopping wet, their Quidditch gear soaking the rugs beneath them. “She looked like a raccoon.”

“Why she insists on wearing mascara to practice, I’ll never know.” Sirius was grinning, wet fringe covering his forehead. His hair was tied back in a messy bun that had clearly come undone over the course of practice. When he turned toward his own bed, haphazardly peeling his soaked robes from his body, his eyes landed on Remus. 

“Moony!” Sirius’ face lit up, his grin somehow growing wider. “Feeling alright?”

Remus felt his cheeks warm. Sirius was now shirtless, and still soaking wet, standing just a few feet away from him. His gray eyes were impossibly bright. 

“M’fine,” Remus mumbled, shyly. He silently cursed himself for feeling so inexplicably flustered in front of the other boy. He really had to get a hold of himself. “Why are you both soaking wet? You’re ruining the rugs.”

James stared at him from across the room, an incredulous smile stretching across his face. He gestured towards the window next to Remus’ bed. 

“It’s raining cats and dogs, mate. We only just got out of Quidditch practice. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed the storm?” 

Remus glanced up at the window, suddenly aware of the loud pattering of rain against the glass. He blinked rapidly in shock. Between the high that clouded his brain and the book he had been thoroughly engrossed in, he had completely failed to notice the downpour. 

Sirius shook his head like a dog, flinging water across the room, and laughed. “Bloody hell, Moony, did you only just wake up? You look zonked.” 

“I guess I was just so focused on my book-” Remus started to respond, but James quickly interrupted. 

“He’s probably just stoned. Aren’t you, Moony?” 

Remus tensed at the interruption. He wasn’t sure why James was suddenly so invested in his smoking habits, but it was starting to piss him off. Whether or not he was high was his own business. James had already exposed his habits to their entire friend group. He didn’t need to keep bringing it up. 

“Maybe. So what?” He snapped. “Why do you care so much if I’m high?” 

James just shrugged, turning back towards his trunk as he searched for a clean jumper. 

“I don’t care if you’re stoned, Moony. Just pointing it out, s’all.” 

Sirius was looking back and forth between the two of them, eyebrows knitted together in a slight frown. Remus sat up in his bed further, finally closing his book and setting it beside him. He clenched his jaw before speaking again. 

“It’s none of your business, James. You don’t need to tell everyone when I’m high or how much I smoke. Did you ever consider that maybe I don’t want everyone to know?” 

James scoffed as he pulled a jumper over his head, turning back towards Remus. 

“If you didn’t want everyone to know, you would have done a better job at hiding it. You’re stoned all the bloody time. Wormtail figured it out weeks ago. The only reason Padfoot didn’t figure it out sooner is ‘cause he didn’t even know what weed was.”

Sirius opened his mouth as if to interject, but James continued. 

“When I found you smoking at the astronomy tower last month, I didn’t think anything of it. I mean, you’re you. You’re the most responsible out of any of us. Figured there was no way Remus would be stupid enough to abuse drugs. If anything, I thought I’d have to watch out for Sirius getting addicted to drugs. Bloody hell, I’d think Pete would fuck around with them before I ever thought you would. But you’re literally always stoned. I feel like you’re hardly ever, like, present.” James threw his hands up in frustration. “It’s getting old.”

“It kind of sounds like you do care if I’m stoned,” Remus sneered. His hands were trembling, but he wasn’t entirely sure whether it was because of the anxiety tugging at his chest or the anger that was beginning to flood his veins. 

James huffed out an exasperated laugh. “Fine. I do care, Remus. I care that you’re being self destructive for no reason. You’re stoned all the time, you sleep all the time, you never eat, you won’t let us take care of you during the full even though we went through all of that effort to become animagi for you, you got absolutely trashed last night, and you’re always hanging out with Evans- It’s just not like you! You’re being irresponsible-”

Remus swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood suddenly. He felt the blood drain from his face at the sudden movement, his ears ringing distantly, but he didn’t care. He gripped the bedpost at the end of his bed and waved Sirius away when he made a move to help support him. 

“Moony-” Sirius started, but he shut his mouth abruptly at the glare Remus shot his way. 

“This isn’t about me at all, is it?” Remus snapped at James. “You don’t care if I’m being self destructive. You just care that I’m hanging out with Lily. You’re jealous because she enjoys my company and she can’t stand you.” 

The taller boy stepped forward, fists clenched, until he was standing just a few feet in front of Remus. Everyone knew that James was notoriously bad at hiding his emotions. But he rarely showed anger towards anyone, ever, other than the occasional burst of anger directed at the Slytherins. And usually, they deserved it. So it was a rare sight to see James, with his jaw clenched, hands balled into tight fists at his sides, directing the rarity of his anger at Remus. 

“I’m not jealous.” 

“You are bloody jealous, and you’re being a right prick because you’re so obsessed with Lily that you can’t stand to see her with another bloke-” 

Remus blinked and suddenly James was in front of him, one fist tangled loosely in the front of his sweater. He was furious, his upper lip twitching slightly. Remus went still, his face set like stone, steely eyes unwavering under James’ harsh gaze. He heard Sirius suck in a sharp breath, but the other boy didn’t move. 

“Are you with her, then?” James snapped. 

At that moment, Remus was almost tempted to say yes. It would have been a lie. A cruel one. It would have fractured the brotherhood they had formed in first year, destroyed the marauders beyond repair. And for just a brief moment, Remus was tempted to lie. If only to get back at James for his cruel words and brash actions. But Remus wasn’t stupid. 

“Of course I’m not with her, you daft bastard,” Remus spat. “I don’t have the slightest interest in pursuing Lily. And she’s not interested in me, either. Regardless, I wouldn’t betray you like that. You’re one of my best fucking friends.” 

With that, he pressed both hands against James’ chest and shoved him back in an- albeit aggressive- attempt to get him out of his face. It worked, to a degree, because James stumbled backwards and let go of Remus’ sweater. But at the same time, Remus’ left leg gave out from under him and he crumpled to the floor. 

Remus managed to catch himself with his hands before the full weight of his body hit the ground, and he gritted his teeth as pain seared through his wrists. Sirius and James were both by his side in an instant, the tension in the room diffusing immediately. 

“Are you alright, Moony?” Sirius asked, reaching out his hand to support one of Remus’ elbows.

“Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry, Remus. I didn’t mean-” 

“It’s fine, James,” Remus said. “I’m fine.” 

And it was, mostly, fine. He understood why James had gotten so worked up. And it was partially his own fault, anyways, for not explaining his lack of interest in Lily sooner. He knew how strongly James felt about Lily, and he had taken advantage of that. In his frustration with James for exposing his smoking habits, he had allowed the tension to build instead of clearing the air. Because he wanted to get back at James. Because he wanted to make James hurt, too. 

But James’ words played like a broken record in his mind. That Remus smoked too much. Slept too much. Didn’t eat enough. That he was irresponsible, self destructive. Not himself. Remus felt a pit form in his stomach.

“It’s not fine, Moony. I’m so sorry.” James was distraught. He almost looked like he was going to cry. 

“I shouldn’t have gotten so angry at you. I shouldn’t have said those things, or told everyone that you smoke weed.” James put his face in his hands. “And right before the full moon, too,” he added. He dragged his hands down his face before looking back up at Remus. 

“I didn’t mean those things I said. I know you’re going through a lot. I know your transformations this year are worse. It’s not even that noticeable when you’re stoned. I probably wouldn’t have noticed if you hadn’t told me about it at the astronomy tower. It’s just, Lily seems so comfortable around you, and I got- I got jealous, and insecure, ‘cause I thought she liked you more-” James rambled. 

When Remus didn’t respond, Sirius spoke up again, holding out one hand to grip James’ shoulder. “Prongs,” he said. “Just leave it. You should go find Wormtail. We’ll meet you at the Great Hall for dinner in a few.”

James looked between Sirius’ stern gaze and Remus’ downcast face before nodding, slowly, and standing back up. “Sorry,” he whispered dejectedly, before disappearing out the door and down the stairs to the Common Room.

Sirius turned towards Remus, gingerly taking both of his hands in his own. 

“Are you okay, Moony? Did you get hurt?” 

Remus shook his head without meeting Sirius’ eyes. “I’m fine.”

His wrists still burned, but he was certain he hadn’t broken anything. The sudden pressure had only shocked his already aching joints. He sniffled, softly, and pulled one hand away from Sirius to wipe his nose across the sleeve of his sweater. 

Sirius helped him up without a word, letting Remus lean on him until they were both sitting on Remus’ bed. He was still damp from Quidditch practice, although he was wearing shorts and one of Remus’ jumpers now. He smelled of grass and rain and broom polish. 

“I’m not fragile, you know,” Remus said suddenly, looking up at the boy beside him. Sirius almost smiled. 

“I know.”

“You act like I’m going to break, sometimes.” 

Sirius just shook his head. “I don’t think you’re going to break, Moony. You’re stronger than any of us.” He ignored Remus’ scoff and continued, “But I know you’re hurting. The full moon is in two days. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

Remus just sighed and pulled himself further onto his bed, until he was sat up against his abundance of pillows. He tugged at the quilt that was pinned beneath Sirius. 

“I’m cold,” he mumbled. “Either sit next to me or get off the blanket.” 

Sirius grinned at that. He crawled across the bed until he was sitting near the headboard, pressed tight against Remus’ side in the small bed. He leaned forward slightly to grab the quilt and pulled it over their legs. 

Despite his damp hair, Sirius’ body was significantly warmer than his own. Remus welcomed the feeling of warm skin against his chilled body. He tried not to focus too much on the feeling of Sirius’ bare leg pressed up against his trousers, Sirius’ bicep pressed against his own. At least the physical sensation of Sirius beside him was a distraction from the aggressive thoughts that spun through his mind. 

Remus picked at his fingers mindlessly, staring down at the quilt across his legs. James’ apology was wholehearted and Remus had internally accepted it. He wasn’t mad or upset at the other boy. But the apology did little to quiet his thoughts. It didn’t erase or negate what James had said about him. It was clear that his habits- smoking, sleeping, not eating- had not gone unnoticed by the other boys. And it made him wonder who else noticed just how bad he had gotten. 

“I can hear you thinking,” Sirius said. Remus looked up at the sudden statement. Sirius was watching him with an expression Remus might have described as affection, if not for the concern that clouded his eyes. 

Remus just shrugged, looking back down at the quilt. “I dunno what you mean.”

“Moony.” Sirius turned his body towards him. Remus held his breath as an arm draped across his back. Sirius had adjusted his posture in such a way that he was holding himself upright with one arm behind Remus, hand pressed against the mattress next to Remus’ left hip. He was, effectively, holding Remus against the left side of his body. 

“Sirius,” he whispered in response. 

“You can talk to me.” Sirius’ face was next to his ear. Remus almost jumped when he felt Sirius’ chin drop against his shoulder. He swallowed hard as warmth curled up his neck and cheeks. He could hear Sirius inhale, slowly, before he continued. “What are you thinking about?”

Remus let out a slow, shaky breath. 

“I, erm. I was just thinking about what James said,” he murmured. “About how much I smoke. And sleep. And- and how little I eat.” He wasn’t sure why he was being so honest. Why he was letting Sirius know his thoughts. Maybe he was delirious, between the upcoming transformation, exhaustion, and the lingering high. Or maybe it was just the proximity of Sirius’ body against his own. 

Sirius hummed, pressing himself closer to Remus. His hand lifted off of the mattress beside Remus’ hip, and Remus almost protested the movement, until the hand settled directly onto his hip. Remus couldn’t hide the soft gasp that escaped his lips. Sirius was now clearly, blatantly, and indisputably holding him. It was hard not to read into the physicality of the adjustment. 

“I don’t think it’s worth overthinking,” Sirius said. Remus almost thought he was talking about their posture, until he kept speaking. 

“Prongs just says things without thinking sometimes. It’s not noticeable that you smoke weed. It makes sense, now that I know, but it’s not like it's super obvious that you’re high. And I don’t think it's a bad thing. I spoke with Mary about it today at lunch, and she said it's often used by muggles for pain relief. I’m sure it helps with your joints and muscle aches.” Sirius leaned his head against Remus’ gently. “You do sleep a lot. But you’ve always slept a lot. That’s not particularly new.” Sirius laughed. He didn’t mention his eating habits. Remus was grateful.

“Thank you,” Remus said, quietly. He felt Sirius smile as he lifted his head off Remus’ shoulder. Sirius used his free hand to tuck a loose curl behind Remus’ ear. His hand lingered, hesitantly, near Remus’ cheek, before it dropped down to gently squeeze his shoulder. 

“Do you want to go to dinner?” 

Remus hesitated. He knew he needed to eat. He was starting to feel sick. But, for once, the reason he wanted to skip dinner wasn’t the discomfort that eating brought him. He just didn’t want to lose this. The proximity to Sirius. His warmth. Remus bit his lip. 

“Would you… Would you mind sleeping in my bed tonight?” he mumbled. He could feel his face turning red. “I just have a hard time sleeping, so close to the full, and I get really cold and you’re just really warm-”

Sirius laughed. It wasn’t mocking, or sarcastic, or rude. It was genuine, joyful, kind. It was one of Remus’ favorite sounds. 

“Sure, Moony. I sleep better in your bed anyways. I think it’s because you have so many pillows.” 

Remus flushed. He pulled himself away from Sirius abruptly, sitting on the edge of the bed to stand up. 

“So, dinner?” Remus braved a look behind him at Sirius. The other boy’s cheeks were pink, eyes bright, a warm smile on his lips. 

“Yeah. Dinner.” Sirius swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood in front of Remus. He looked around, eyebrows knitting together.

“Where’s your crutch?”

Remus’ face grew warmer. 

“I left it in the Common Room last night.”

There it was again. Remus was grateful that he was actually able to watch this time, as Sirius threw his head back and laughed. 

“Of course you did. I’ll help you down the stairs, and we can grab it on our way to the Great Hall?” 

Remus nodded, deftly. He hardly noticed the pain in his ankle, the aching of his wrists, as the pair walked slowly down the dormitory stairs. His senses were preoccupied by Sirius. The feeling of Sirius' arm wrapped around his own, his hand on his wrist, his smile, his eyes, his hair, his scent. In that moment, Remus swore he didn’t care about anything as much as he cared about the boy beside him. 

Chapter Text

“Moony.”

The voice was so soft beside him, Remus almost thought he was dreaming. He just hummed, turning sleepily towards the lovely sound. He stretched his arm across the pillow beside him, burying his face deeper in the blankets and pillows that adorned his bed. His sheets smelled particularly clean that morning.

The pillow moved beneath him, lifting up and down slightly alongside the sound of muffled laughter. 

“Moony, love, we need to get up. I know you’re technically exempt from classes today, but I’m not. If I’m late for Charms, Flitwick will give me detention tonight.”

That was odd. His pillow was talking to him. And its voice, low and smooth and distinctly posh, sounded just like Sirius. Remus groaned and opened his eyes, blinking away sleep until his vision was no longer blurry. The mystery of the talking pillow was solved all too quickly as his tired brain pieced together the sight in front of him. 

The pillow that had spoken and moved beneath him was not, actually, a pillow after all. It was Sirius’ torso. And Remus’ arm was wrapped tightly around his waist. The blankets and pillows he had buried his face into had actually been Sirius’ shoulder. And Remus’ leg was wrapped securely around Sirius’ thigh. Sirius had effectively been pinned to the bed by Remus’ sleeping body for the better part of the morning. 

Remus looked up, slowly, as the horrifying realization dawned on him that he was cuddling Sirius. The other boy met his gaze willingly, eyes crinkled with amusement. 

“Good morning.” Sirius’ voice was gravely with sleep.

Remus felt the blood drain from his face. He quickly pushed his body off of Sirius’ in a manner that could only be described as graceless; just lanky, bony limbs shooting across to the other side of the bed. 

“I’m so sorry,” Remus said, eyes wide with panic. 

It had been the second night in a row that Sirius slept in Remus’ bed. Following Remus’ timid proposition Saturday afternoon, Sirius had climbed into Remus’ bed that night just moments after James and Peter had closed their curtains. They had fallen asleep- and woken up- with several inches between them. Sunday morning, Remus quickly realized that he had slept better that night than he had in months. Sirius must have felt similarly, because he had climbed into Remus’ bed Sunday night without a word.

The pair had fallen asleep with a decent amount of space between them. But Remus’ body had clearly become all too comfortable with Sirius sleeping beside him, judging by the position in which he had woken up. And, despite Sirius’ amusement towards the situation, Remus was mortified. 

“It’s okay, Moony.” Sirius laughed, softly. “I’m sorry for waking you. I just really don’t want detention tonight.” 

Right. It was the full moon. And- after several hours of discussion the previous night- he had eventually agreed to let the other boys join him at the shack. His consent was not given lightly. It was contingent upon several conditions that the other boys were required to swear upon. That the boys would have to be in their animagus forms before the transformation began and were to remain that way until they were certain Remus had fully transformed back into himself. If, under any circumstance, the wolf attacked or injured any of them, they were to leave the shack immediately and get Madam Pomfrey. 

Remus had also described the kinds of wards that guarded the trapdoor, how to get past them, and reassured them that the wolf would likely not be able to escape even if the door was technically open. They would, in theory, be able to close the door behind them before the wolf managed to push past the wards. But it would still be risky. They would have to be cautious. So it was only after they had all solemnly sworn to follow his conditions that Remus agreed. 

Prompted by the somber expression on Remus’ face, Sirius reached forward and pressed a reassuring hand against his arm. 

“Remus. It will all be okay. I promise. This will work,” Sirius said. His expression was far too hopeful considering the situation. And considering the time of day. It was much too early for Remus to express any semblance of positive emotion. 

He just nodded, trying his best to contain the anxiety that clawed its way through his chest. Despite his best efforts, his fingers began to tremble slightly as he considered the worst case scenarios of that night. The possibility of injuring his friends. Killing them. Or worse.

Sirius’ eyebrows pulled together with concern. “Do you want to skip classes today? I can take notes for you.” When Remus gave him a look of droll disbelief, Sirius’ lips pulled up into a sheepish grin. 

“Don’t look at me like that. I can take good notes, if need be. I just generally choose not to. For you, I’ll take better notes than a Ravenclaw. Evans herself will swoon at the sight of them.” 

Remus laughed. It was a rare thing, to make Remus laugh on the day of the full moon. Rare enough that the sound surprised Remus as it left his lips. Rare enough that it made Sirius’ cheeks flushed with delight.

Despite his fear, his anxiety, about the upcoming transformation, Remus felt surprisingly light. Hopeful, even. He had slept well for not just one, but two nights before the full moon. And he would be lying to himself if he said that he wasn’t somewhat excited for his friends to join him at the shack. The possibility that it could work, that their animagus forms could comfort the wolf to the point that it no longer harmed itself- harmed Remus- it was terrifying and exciting and it made Remus feel hope for the first time in months.

“That’s alright,” Remus finally replied. “I’d rather not miss out on too much coursework if I can help it.” When Sirius opened his mouth as if to argue, Remus quickly continued. “It’s not that I don’t trust your note-taking abilities, Sirius. And I can ask Lily for notes if I really need to. It’s just- I’m feeling alright today. I slept really well. I don’t want to skip class if I don’t need to.” 

Sirius clearly wanted to argue against it. But Remus was quite stubborn and, deep down, Sirius preferred the idea of accompanying Remus to classes rather than leaving him behind in the dormitory all day. And he didn’t particularly want to take notes, if he was being honest with himself.

“Alright, fine.” Sirius nodded, “If you’re sure. But we really should get going. We’ve already missed breakfast.”

The pair got out of bed and dressed themselves quickly. James and Peter were gone, likely finishing up at breakfast, so it was just Sirius and Remus in the dormitory. Remus was glad. He wasn’t sure he wanted the other boys to know that Sirius had been sleeping in his bed. 

It wasn’t necessarily odd for the boys to share beds. Sirius had slept with James frequently in their first few years at Hogwarts, and there had been nights during fourth year, after particularly bad transformations, that the four boys had piled pillows and blankets onto the floor and slept together. But the thought of James or Peter noticing still made him anxious. He didn’t particularly feel that he was hiding his crush all that well. And it felt nice for it to be a secret. Something only he and Sirius shared.
 
Remus figured it was easier- and faster- to get dressed in the dormitory rather than hobbling to the bathroom, so he did just that. He turned away from Sirius, for his own comfort more than anything else, and threw on a pair of trousers and a dress shirt. He shrugged his robes on without bothering to tuck his shirt into his trousers. His professors wouldn’t say anything about it, anyways. Not today. 

When he turned back around, Sirius had finished dressing… and he was watching Remus. Sirius looked away quickly, digging through his bag to seem as if he was busy searching for something, but it didn’t make much of a difference. Remus felt a rock, or perhaps it was the tendrilled roots of anxiety, lodging itself into his throat. There was a reason why he preferred dressing himself in the bathroom. It made him so very uncomfortable, the thought of his friends seeing the scars that marred his body. But, he reasoned, it didn’t make much of a difference if Sirius saw him now. He would see him tonight, bare and raw and naked, with all of his flaws and scars and disfigurements, during the transformation.

Remus just swallowed hard in an effort to dislodge the lump in his throat. 

“Ready?” He asked, lightly. It felt strained. 

Sirius pulled his bag over his shoulder and turned around, nodding quickly. He looked guilty. Remus tried not to notice. 

“Need some help?” Sirius offered out his arm as they approached the door. Remus had his crutch in place already, but it was difficult enough for him to get down the stairs to the Common Room that he accepted Sirius’ arm with a wry smile. 

“Thanks.”

The pair made it to Charms with just a few minutes to spare. They were the last to enter the classroom, save for Professor Flitwick who had yet to arrive. Peter, Mary, and James were sat at their usual table, with the rather unusual addition of Lily next to James. Remus felt Sirius scowl beside him. That seat was practically reserved for Sirius. And it left only one open seat at the table with their friends.

The only other seats available in the room were less than ideal. Appalling. Offensive, even. Just two open seats, at a table with Snape, Avery, and Mulciber. James turned towards them as they entered the room, eyes widening when he noticed Remus next to Sirius. He had clearly expected Remus to skip classes today. He mouthed a silent apology that was only met by Sirius’ frustrated glare. 

“Erm, I’ll go sit beside Snape and them. You can sit next to Lily,” Remus said quietly. He didn’t particularly have the energy to deal with Snape and the other bigots beside him, but there wasn’t much he could do about it anyways. He wasn’t going to make Sirius sit next to them, alone. It would just end in a fight and, subsequently, detention.  

“Absolutely not,” Sirius hissed. “You’re daft if you think I’m going to let you sit alone with them.” 

Before Remus could argue, Sirius strutted across the room and threw his bag onto the empty space on the table next to Snape. 

“Snivellus,” Sirius said with a sickly sweet smile. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, and his voice was practically dripping with venom. Snape made a noise of audible disgust, turning away from Sirius to whisper between Avery and Mulciber. Remus sighed. It was going to be a long morning.

He sat silently beside Sirius as Professor Flitwick entered the classroom. The short man began the lesson immediately, requesting that they all bring their essays to his desk. They had been required to write an essay, assigned the previous week, on the Confundus charm. Remus had mostly finished his essay over the weekend, although he hadn’t quite written out the conclusion. His deadline had been extended to that Friday in light of the full moon, so he wasn’t particularly worried as the other students scrambled to write their final thoughts before turning in the assignment.

Sirius pulled out a sheet of parchment that just barely met the minimum length of two feet. His handwriting, neat cursive scrawled across the paper, was quite small so it was unsurprising that his essay would be so short. Remus couldn’t help but notice that Snape’s essay was much longer, though that was clearly due to the uneven nature of his messy handwriting more than anything else. He watched Snape as he side-eyed Sirius’ short parchment, taking note of the smirk that slit across his face when he saw Remus’ empty desk. 

“Didn’t finish your essay in time, Lupin?” He asked, voice nearly as sharp as his gaze. Remus just rolled his eyes. 

“That’s surprising, considering how much time you spend in the library. Actually, you look rather sickly today. Not feeling well?” Snape drawled. Avery and Mulciber snickered beside him. Remus felt himself grow pale at Snape’s words, at the reaction of the two boys beside him. 

“How very kind of you, Snivellus, to care about his health,” Sirius snapped. “Perhaps you should worry about your own health. Hygiene is very important, you know. Surely there must be showers in the Slytherin dormitories. Although, perhaps they can’t handle a greasy git like yourself.”  

James barked out a laugh from the table beside them. Peter and Mary were watching them, both grinning, and even Lily looked as if she was trying to suppress a smile. Snape just scowled and stood abruptly, snatching his length of parchment and bringing it to the front of the classroom where Flitwick was collecting their essays. Mulciber and Avery followed quickly behind him.

“Don’t pick a fight with them today, Sirius,” Remus said once he was sure the boys were out of earshot. “It’s not worth the detention.”

Sirius huffed. “I rather think it is worth the detention.” When he met Remus’ eyes, his stiff posture relaxed slightly. “Fine. You’re right. It wouldn’t be worth the detention tonight.”

“I’m not saying we can’t get back at them later,” Remus added quietly. His lips twitched up into a sly smile. “I found a rather compelling hex while I was in the library last week. A hair scalping hex. We’d be helping him, really. Rid him of his greasy little problem.” Sirius’ face lit up with a grin. 

“Moony, you brilliant bastard.” He squeezed Remus’ hand briefly, eyes sparkling, before he quickly pulled away to gather his essay. He threw Remus a quick wink as he stood and brought the parchment to Flitwick. Remus had to remind himself to breathe. 

When the remaining essays had been collected, Flitwick continued on with the lesson. He described the Confundus charm at length, detailing its uses, effects, and outlining methods that could be implemented in order to resist the charm. Sirius groaned quietly, pressing his forehead to the table in front of them. 

“I don’t get why he’s going over the charm when we just wrote an essay on it,” he whispered to Remus. 

Remus looked up at the boy beside him, pausing his half-hearted attempt at writing notes on the lesson. Sirius made a good point. 

“He’s probably going to have us practice it on one another,” Remus reasoned. “It makes sense to go over it again, in case someone didn’t finish their essay or pay enough attention to the textbook.”

Sirius perked up a bit. “You think I’ll get to confund Snivellus?” he asked, voice low. The boy in question was right beside them, after all. 

Remus just shrugged. “Maybe if you pay enough attention to the lesson.” He gestured the feathered tip of his quill towards the front of the room. 

It was as if Flitwick had heard their whispered conversation. Just moments after Remus spoke, the older man finished his exhaustive lecture to announce that they would spend the rest of class practicing the charm within their small groups. Remus suppressed a sigh when Sirius grinned wickedly beside him. It really was going to be a long morning. He tried not to regret his decision to come to class, but the knowledge that he could have remained in the warmth of his bed rather than participating in this particular activity made it difficult. 

Avery and Mulciber took turns practicing the charm first. Following the haphazard swish of Avery’s wand and a muttered “Confundo,” a puff of pink smoke burst from his wand and into Mulciber’s face. The boy’s eyes immediately glazed over, his expression going blank. Sirius snickered beside him. Mulciber was practically drooling, looking around the room slowly in confusion. Unsurprisingly, the effect didn’t last long and Mulciber’s face returned to his usual sour expression. After another swish and a puff of smoke, Avery’s face morphed into the same lost expression.

“My turn,” Sirius said. He was practically bouncing with excitement. He stepped forward and raised his wand to Snape’s pinched face. 

“Alright, Snivellus? You seem confused enough as it is. Not sure it’ll even make a difference if I confund you,” Sirius grinned. 

Snape’s upper lip twitched up into a sneer. “Get on with it, Black.” 

“Confundo.” A puff of smoke burst from Sirius’ wand into Snape’s face. The shorter boy shuddered as the spell hit him, beady eyes glazing over. His eyebrows twitched together in confusion as he looked around the room. When his dazed eyes met theirs, he stumbled backwards. 

Snape took a deep, sudden breath as his black eyes came back into focus. He pulled himself together quickly, straightening his posture as he glared at Sirius. Snape had recovered from his confusion much faster than Mulciber and Avery had, to Sirius’ obvious disappointment.

“I expected more from you, Black,” he snapped. “That was weak. Did you even read the textbook?” Snape stretched his arm out until his wand was pointed at Sirius’ face. 

Sirius gripped his wand tight at his side, facing the end of Snape’s wand without flinching. 

“What the hell are you on about, Snape?” 

Remus felt his stomach sink as a satisfied smirk grew across Snape’s face. He had a bad feeling about this. 

“The Confundus charm can do more than just confuse a target,” Snape purred. "If you use it right."

His hand flicked away from Sirius’ face suddenly. “Confundo.” Remus shuddered as a puff of pink smoke burst into his face. His mind clouded, his thoughts going quiet almost immediately. It wasn’t the same comforting silence that weed brought him. Remus was lost. Confused. He frowned, slightly. Where was he, again? What was going on?

He watched, dazed, as a hand gripped the collar of his shirt and pulled him forward. There was someone in front of him, someone’s face beside his. A voice hissed in his ear. “Tell me, Lupin. What really happened to your leg?” He heard a dark laugh. “Pomfrey could surely heal any normal wound in just a few hours. Unless it was from a curse of some kind? Dark magic, perhaps?” 

The hand was pulled roughly away from his collar. Remus stumbled as something clattered beside him. He felt unstable, for some reason. Like he couldn’t stand straight anymore. 

“What happened to my leg?” Remus felt his mouth move, heard a voice come from his throat. It didn’t feel like his own. “Well, Madam Pomfrey tried her best, but it’s difficult to heal w-” 

A hand clapped over his mouth. “Moony, stop.” This voice was deeper, kinder, although it sounded rather panicked. He felt more inclined to listen to it. Remus’ eyebrows pulled together as a face appeared in front of him. It was a rather beautiful face. Too beautiful to look as furious as it did in that moment.

Remus blinked rapidly and sucked in a deep breath through his nose. The cloud in his mind dissipated as suddenly as it had appeared. Sirius was in front of him with one hand pressed roughly over his mouth, the other tightly gripping his bicep in an effort to hold him up. James and Peter were there too. James, with his hand against Snape’s chest and wand pressed to his neck. Peter, with his wand pointed at Mulciber and Avery. There were a few other students watching them as well, although most were still focused on their own efforts to confund one another. Flitwick was still sitting at the front of the classroom, obliviously reading through the pile of essays on his desk. 

“What happened?” Remus asked when Sirius finally removed his hand from his mouth. His jaw was clenched tight, gray eyes dark and stormy. He just shook his head, turning towards Snape and James.

“He’s fine, Prongs,” Sirius said, voice tight. 

James pulled his wand away from Snape’s neck, pushing himself away from the other boy in disgust. Snape was smirking. 

“Fucking tosser,” James growled. He stepped over to Remus and Sirius, grabbing Remus by the side of his face and turning it gently until their eyes met. “Alright, Moony?” 

“M’fine,” Remus said. He was still so confused. “What’s going on? What happened?” 

James just went back and forth between his eyes, finally letting go of his face when he was satisfied that Remus was back to his usual self. Sirius bent down beside him to pick up his crutch from the ground, placing it gently under Remus’ arm. He was still clenching his jaw. 

“Snape is just a gormless cunt, that’s all.” James gritted his teeth, “It’s fine. You’re fine. You should just-” he broke off, glancing at Sirius. Something unspoken passed between them and, before Remus could protest, Sirius stormed off to Flitwick’s desk. 

Peter had finally pulled away from Mulciber and Avery and was watching Remus carefully. Lily and Mary were also watching from the table beside them, eyebrows furrowed in matching expressions of concern. The sinking feeling returned, deep and heavy in his stomach. He felt nauseous.

Remus tried to control his breathing as he thought through everything that had just happened. Snape must have used the Confundus charm on him instead of Sirius. That would explain his confusion, the blank space in his memory. And Snape must have used it as an attempt to force something out of Remus. That would explain why Sirius had covered his mouth, the smirk on Snape’s face, James and Peter’s intervention. Their anger. Remus felt himself pale. Had he exposed himself? Said something about the full moon, the wolf, his curse? 

Before he could truly begin to spiral, Sirius returned from his hushed conversation with Flitwick. He shoved his textbook into his bag, gathering Remus’ things from the table, and threw both of their bags over his shoulders. He shoved past Snape without a word. 

“C’mon.” Sirius grasped Remus’ wrist with his free hand and pulled him from the classroom before he could protest. 

Remus followed Sirius out the door and down the hall for several minutes before he finally pulled his arm out of the other boy’s grasp and forced him to stop.

“Sirius. What the fuck happened in there?” Remus asked. He could feel his heartbeat in his skull, his veins beginning to throb painfully behind his eyes. His leg hurt from walking so quickly, even with the assistance of the crutch, and he was suddenly all too aware of his sore joints and aching bones. 

Sirius didn’t look at him. He just stood silently in the empty hallway, knuckles white as he clutched the straps of their bags. 

“Sirius,” Remus begged. 

The other boy let out a shaky breath. 

“Snape confunded you. He tried to get you to tell him what happened to your leg. He said something about how it must have been dark magic, if it wasn’t healed yet,” Sirius whispered. Remus felt dizzy. 

“D-did I tell him? What did I say?” 

Sirius shook his head. “No. I mean, you were confunded. You started to say something, but I stopped you. James must have overheard, ‘cause he made Snape release the charm.” 

Remus felt like he was going to throw up. 

“Do you think he knows?” He whispered, staring at the floor between them. Sirius stepped forward, grasping Remus’ face in both hands and forcing him to look into his eyes. 

“No, Moony. He doesn’t know. He was just being an arsehole.” 

Remus felt tears begin to flood his eyes. He wanted to look away from Sirius, to hide the tears, to hide his anxiety, but Sirius’ didn’t loosen his grasp on his face. He just sniffled and watched as Sirius pressed his lips together tightly. He still looked furious, but it was clear that he was trying to get a hold on his anger in light of Remus’ distress. He just pulled Remus forward into a tight hug. 

“It’s okay, Remus,” he whispered. 

“I guess I should have stayed in bed this morning.” Remus let out a teary laugh. It was half-hearted. 

He felt Sirius smile against the side of his face. “Maybe. I told Flitwick you weren’t feeling well. Said I was going to take you back to the dormitory.” He pulled away slightly. 

“We’ll skip the rest of our classes today,” he added. When Remus tried to protest, Sirius just shook his head. “It’ll be fine. I’ll tell Slughorn and Professor Liripipe that I wasn’t feeling well. I’m sure Poppy would be willing to write me an excuse if I just tell her I was keeping you company. She has a soft spot for you, y’know.” 

Remus didn’t have the heart to argue.

Sirius had insisted on stopping at the kitchens before heading up to Gryffindor tower in order to gather snacks, since they had missed breakfast and would likely have to miss lunch as well.

“I can’t exactly show up at lunch if Slughorn and Liripipe think I’m ill,” Sirius had argued. “And I’m bloody hungry, Moony.”

That was how the two boys found themselves alone in the solace of their dormitory, not even two hours after they had left that morning, surrounded by an abundance of snacks so generously provided by the kitchen house-elves. Sirius had made himself comfortable at the foot of Remus’ bed, devouring a plate of pumpkin pasties, while Remus was curled up against his pillows nursing a cup of tea and a plate of Aberffraw biscuits. His head was still pounding. As much as he appreciated Sirius’ presence, he would have liked to smoke a quick joint to ease the aching of his bones and pounding skull. But, he supposed the company was better for him, anyways. 

“Hey, Moony?” Sirius asked through a mouthful of pastry. Remus suppressed a smile. 

“Yeah?”

“Would you…” He trailed off, contemplating his words. “Do you have any of that muggle stuff you like to smoke?” 

It really was like Sirius could read his mind. 

“What?”

Sirius sat up slightly. “You know. That muggle drug James was talking about the other day. The one that helps you relax. Do you have more?” 

Remus nodded, slowly. “Yeah, I suppose.”

“Could I try it?” 

When Remus hesitated, Sirius leaned towards him with a mischievous smile. “I mean, you did say you would let me try some. When we were playing that muggle drinking game.” 

Remus rolled his eyes. “I don’t appreciate you holding that against me. I was drunk.”

Sirius gasped dramatically, holding his hand to his chest. “On the contrary, Moony! I’m not holding anything against you,” he tsked. “I’m merely suggesting that, on this fine Monday morning, we take advantage of the opportunity before us. Our schedules are free for the rest of the day. And it would help relieve your pain, after all.” 

He gave Sirius a hesitant look. Sirius returned his gaze with big, pleading eyes. No wonder his animagus was a dog.

“Alright, fine.” Remus gave in. It would help with the aches, he reasoned. And he needed to relax after the events of that morning. He tried not to notice the way his stomach fluttered when Sirius’ face lit up with a dazzling smile. 

Remus stood carefully from his bed and knelt down beside it, pulling a box out from beneath it. 

“We should probably smoke in the bathroom,” he said. “It’s easier to hide the smell.”

Sirius shook his head, waving his hand to dismiss Remus’ concerns. “It’ll be fine. We can just smoke out of the window. I can throw up a charm to keep the smell from getting into the dormitory.” 

“I dunno, Sirius. I don’t want James to know,” Remus said. 

“Prongs won’t notice.” Sirius was already climbing onto the alcove where the window sat between their beds. “I do this all the time with cigarettes. None of you have ever noticed.” 

Remus was skeptical. But Sirius was right, to an extent. He only knew that Sirius smoked out that window because he had seen him there on a few occasions, late at night, when he had trouble sleeping. He had never smelled it. 

“Fine. But you’ll have to help me up there.” Remus gave in, unsurprisingly. He always gave in to Sirius. 

When they were both situated comfortably on the alcove, Sirius tugged the window open and muttered a quiet charm to prevent the smell from leaking back into the room. Remus pulled a pre-rolled joint from the box, placing it in Sirius’ open hand. 

Sirius’ nose scrunched. “It smells foul, Moony.” Remus laughed. 

“You said the same thing about cigarettes before you tried one. Just-” he took the joint back from Sirius and put it between two of his fingers, lighting it silently with a flick of his hand. He placed the filter to his lips, took a slow drag, and let the smoke trickle out of his mouth. Sirius was watching him, lips parted slightly. His eyes glowed silver in the morning light that streamed through the window.

“You smoke it like a cigarette,” Remus said softly, handing the joint back to Sirius. “Just try a little at first. It’s a bit more harsh than tobacco.”

Sirius followed his instructions cautiously, taking a slow drag from the joint. It suited him. The joint between his fingers, the way his cheeks hollowed as he breathed in the smoke. Remus felt himself flush. Luckily, he was quickly distracted by the large puff of smoke that burst from Sirius’ lips, followed by spluttered coughing. 

Remus laughed, patting his hand against Sirius’ back until the other boy managed to breathe in a dramatic gasp between coughs. 

“Bloody hell, Moons. That is not like a cigarette,” Sirius wheezed. 

“I told you to just try a little!” Remus was still laughing. His brain felt fuzzy and soft. 

Sirius’ eyes already looked red and glazed. It just made the silver of his irises stand out more. He watched, dazed, as Remus took another puff of the joint. 

“Wow,” he breathed. 

Remus grinned. “Alright?”

Sirius just nodded, slowly. He was still watching Remus, although he wasn’t looking at his eyes. His eyes were focused lower, on Remus’ lips, watching the smoke that curled and twisted away from his mouth. Eventually, he took the joint from Remus and hit it again. The cloud that left his lips was much smaller this time. He smiled, loosely, at Remus as they passed the joint back and forth between one another. 

“What do you think?” Remus asked, after they had finished the remainder of the joint. He vanished the filter with a silent flick of his hand. 

“This is… not what I was expecting,” Sirius said slowly. His eyes were glassy, but there was still a loose smile on his lips. 

“In a good way?” 

Sirius grinned. “Oh, absolutely.” He tilted his head back against the brick that lined the alcove, still watching Remus through half-lidded eyes. Remus felt his cheeks warm beneath the unwavering gaze.

“I get why you like this,” Sirius added.

Remus hummed softly. “Yeah. It’s nice. It makes everything hurt less.” He waved his hand as he spoke, gesturing to his head. 

Sirius just nodded. They sat on the alcove in comfortable silence for what could have been just a few minutes or several hours. Remus wasn’t too sure, but he didn’t particularly care either way. It felt nice. The way the sun warmed their skin against the cool October breeze. The way they enjoyed one another's company in silence. 

“Remus?” Sirius’ voice penetrated the comfortable silence that had enveloped them for what had actually been just twenty minutes. Still, the sudden noise startled Remus. And the use of his name. Sirius didn’t call him that very often. 

“Yeah?” He looked up. Sirius was watching him with an oddly intense expression on his face. 

“I think I-” he broke off suddenly, shaking his head, and looked out the window. He looked conflicted, the way his eyebrows furrowed, the way he chewed on his bottom lip. He let out a frustrated sigh. 

“Is something wrong, Sirius?” Remus asked. He was concerned, for a moment, that Sirius had smoked too much weed and was feeling anxious rather than relaxed. 

“No… No, nothing’s wrong,” Sirius mumbled. He was still looking away, watching distantly out the window next to them. 

“What’s up?”

Sirius looked back at him. Remus was struck by the intensity of his gaze. 

“I just think you’re a really spectacular person, Remus.” His voice was soft, almost timid. 

Remus’ heart swelled despite his confusion at the sudden proclamation. He wasn’t sure what he had expected Sirius to say, but it certainly wasn’t that. His cheeks were warm, and he was sure the blush on his skin was glaringly obvious, but he realized that he didn’t particularly care. 

“I think you’re really spectacular too, Sirius.” 

Sirius smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He almost looked… sad. Remus tried to convince himself that it was just in his head, that the high was affecting his perception, but failed miserably. Sirius did look sad. He opened his mouth to question him further, but Sirius moved first, swinging his legs over the edge of the alcove back into the dormitory. 

“We should get back inside,” Sirius said quickly. He jumped down before Remus could argue.

Remus followed him. When Sirius offered a hand to help him lower himself to the floor, he accepted it silently. They both made their way back to his bed without a word, and he watched as Sirius collapsed dramatically onto the pile of pillows and blankets. Remus sat gingerly beside him.

“Your bed really is more comfortable than mine, Moony.” Sirius was laying on his back, staring at the canopy above them. Remus allowed himself a soft smile. 

“You know you can ask the house elves for more pillows and blankets, if you want.” 

Sirius just scoffed and turned so that his face was buried in the pile of pillows at the head of Remus’ bed. 

“Yeah, I know.” His voice was muffled. “Your bed is still nicer. It smells like you.” 

Remus was caught off-guard by the statement. Again. Actually, he wasn’t entirely sure that he had heard Sirius correctly. Before he could question him, Sirius lifted his head off the pillows to look at Remus. 

“Can we take a nap?” He asked, softly. Sirius sounded timid- almost shy- again. Remus really couldn’t understand why. He just nodded.

“Sure, Sirius. That sounds nice.” 

He laid down beside Sirius carefully, ensuring that he left several inches of space in the bed between them. With a slight flick of his hand, he wordlessly drew the curtains around his bed until they were covered in darkness. 

Sirius sat up, just enough to reach down and pull the quilt over them, before laying back down next to Remus. He had closed the gap between them, just enough so that their arms were touching. Remus squeezed his eyes shut. He tried not to focus on the feeling of Sirius’ arm, his body, so warm beside him.

He tensed, slightly, when he felt Sirius roll onto his side to face him. 

“You’re cold,” Sirius whispered. 

“You’re warm,” Remus replied. He struggled to keep his voice from shaking. 

Sirius hummed. He felt Sirius move again, hesitantly, and his breath caught in his throat when he felt an arm drape across his chest. When he felt Sirius press his cheek against Remus’ shoulder. When he felt Sirius pull him closer.

“Is this okay?” 

“Yes.” And it was. It was more than okay. 

Chapter Text

It was dusk. The chilled October night was haunted by the last rays of the sun as it dipped below the horizon, the darkening sky stained red and bloody. Remus stumbled slightly on the damp grass as he followed Madam Pomfrey to the Whomping Willow. He wondered, distantly, if he should have brought his crutch for the long walk to the shack. It had made more sense to leave it in the dormitory. He wouldn’t be using it to walk back to the castle in the morning, after all. But the walk to the shack was more uncomfortable than he had anticipated. 

When they entered the tunnel below the willow, Madam Pomfrey silently offered Remus her arm for support. The gesture was delivered with a kind, sympathetic smile which prompted him to accept. It was a long walk through the tunnel. Although, when he thought about it, the pain in his leg wouldn’t matter so much in just a handful of minutes. He would very quickly be distracted. 

His mind wandered as they made their way through the dark tunnel, dimly illuminated by the bouncing light from Madam Pomfrey’s wand. Based on their thorough planning earlier that evening, the other boys were probably waiting just beyond the entrance to the tunnel, at the edge of the willow’s aggressive radius. Sirius and James would be under the invisibility cloak, with Peter already in his rat form. It was easier to use the cloak with just two people. And he would have to sneak past the tree to hit the knot, anyway. 

Remus tilted his neck to the side with a soft grimace, suppressing a groan when he felt his spine crack with the movement. His skin felt inflamed, irritated, as invisible claws began to tear at his joints and muscles from the inside out. They would have to hurry. He could feel the wolf, feel it waiting impatiently for the moon to breach the horizon. Feel it aching to tear, claw, bite, destroy. 

The walk through the tunnel seemed faster than usual. Before he knew it, Remus was sitting on a torn bed against one of the far walls of the shack. His vision blurred as he watched Madam Pomfrey flit across the room, reinforcing various wards and checking the security of the trap door. He blinked several times, trying to clear his eyes, but the effort made his head spin. 

“Remus, dear?” Madam Pomfrey’s voice penetrated the cloud which shrouded his mind. He looked up, the movement jerky and hazardous. 

“Yes?” His voice sounded distant as it left his lips. He felt her hand on the side of his face. Felt her fingers against the hair behind his ear. Her touch was warm, a physical embodiment of comfort and safety. It did little to dull the ache throbbing through his skull. 

“The wards are secure. I just thought I would check to make sure they were holding up after last month,” she hummed. Remus tried meeting her eyes, but his vision seemed to double. He wasn’t entirely sure where her face really was, other than somewhere in front of him. 

“Thank you, Madam Pomfrey.” 

He heard her click her tongue softly. A rush of warmth flooded his head, the pain in his skull clearing to a degree. His vision focused, slightly, and he blinked up at the kind eyes of the woman before him. Remus allowed a soft, though somewhat forced, smile. 

“Thank you,” he repeated quietly. 

“Of course, dear. I’ll see you first thing in the morning,” Madam Pomfrey said, returning his forced smile with her own. She disappeared through the trap door and back down the tunnel without another word. Remus flinched as he heard the door shut behind her. 

His skin felt hot. Remus’ hands rose to his throat, scratching at the collar of his sweater where his skin burned hottest. He felt as though he could hardly breathe. There was still some time before the moon would break past the horizon, time before Remus needed to remove his clothes to protect them from the transformation. But his skin felt as if it was on fire. 

Remus jerked the sweater over his head, throwing it on the bed beside him with a gasp of relief. He swore he could almost see steam rising from his body as the cool air of the shack hit his feverish skin. Remus removed his shoes and socks as well, placing them carefully at the foot of the bed, until he was sitting on the bed in nothing but his worn sweatpants. He probably would have stripped entirely, if not for the impending arrival of his friends. 

The trap door clicked loudly from the other side of the room, although it remained securely closed. He heard muffled cursing from the other side, followed by hushed whispers and flashes of light beneath the door. Before he could bother to stand and help them, the door lifted open and Sirius, James, and Peter tumbled through the narrow entrance.

“Bloody hell, Poppy is thorough with the wards,” Sirius said. The statement wasn’t directed to anyone in particular, but he looked up at Remus with a soft smile. 

“How are you feeling, Moony?” Peter asked. Remus watched Sirius shoot him an incredulous look.

“Fucking awful,” Remus almost laughed. He folded his arms mindlessly over the front of his torso, although the effort to cover his scars was futile. There were simply too many to cover. 

“How long do you reckon you have, until…” James trailed off, but the question was clear. Until he transformed into a savage, gruesome beast. Until they found out if it truly was safe for animagi to be around a bloodthirsty wolf. Until he lost his mind. 

“Not long,” Remus said softly. He flinched as he felt his joints loosen, his bones clicking out of their sockets. He suppressed a groan. 

“Y-you all should wait in that room,” he gritted his teeth as a wave of pain dragged across his spine. Remus pointed a shaking hand at a closed door across the room. It was splintered and scratched, but still served its purpose of separating the room from the rest of the shack. 

“Close the door behind you and change into your animagus forms. You’ll know when I’m… when it's over. When it's the wolf. Pete should be able to open the door back up. Just-” Remus broke off with a gasp, falling forward onto his knees. He could feel it. The full moon, pushing past the horizon. 

“Remus-” Sirius stepped forward. Remus just clenched his jaw, jerking his head from side to side.

“Just go! Please. Hurry.” Remus looked up at the other boys from the floor. The excitement the boys had felt earlier that day was clearly gone, replaced by pale faces and wide eyes. He could smell their fear. It made him feel sick. 

“Please,” he begged.

Sirius just nodded, slowly, and the three boys pushed into the other room. He heard the door click softly behind them as another wave of pain wracked his body. He couldn’t suppress the sob that tore through his lungs. 

He should have put up a silencing charm so the other boys wouldn’t hear his screams. He should have taken his sweatpants off sooner, too. They were his favorites. But it was too late now. Remus’ hips began to shift, his pelvis shattering, and he shoved his fist in his mouth in an effort to stifle his cries. He could hear Padfoot behind the door, whining softly. Tears streamed down his cheeks and soaked the carpet beneath his face. 

Remus wasn’t sure when he started screaming. It may have been after his teeth sharpened and grew through his jaw. But it was definitely before his kneecaps snapped and inverted. Before the bones of his fingers broke and shifted into claws. Before his femurs stretched and lengthened. 

The last thing Remus heard was a howl. Although, he wasn’t entirely certain if the sound had torn its way through his own throat or if it came from behind the door beside him.

It was back in that room. That cursed space. Darkness clung to its corners, the air thick with an earthy, metallic scent. The wolf's senses were sharp, its instincts primal, but its mind was fractured and hazy.

There were thoughts, memories, feelings, just on the edge of its subconscious. But those were all lost in the haze of the curse. All it knew now was pain. The gnawing hunger that consumed its every thought. The ache in its bones. The relentless desire to be free. And loneliness. It was always alone when it awoke in this cursed space.

Moonlight trickled through a crack beneath one of the doors in the shack, casting eerie patterns on the decaying floor. The wolf's ears twitched at a soft sound that escaped from behind it. Something was different. There was an unfamiliar scent in the room. No, there were several new scents. Something stirred within the wolf. The scents were almost familiar, though the wolf certainly couldn’t recognize them. It had always been alone. In the basement. In the shack. Always.

With a snarl that reverberated through the small room, the wolf paced, its claws clicking against the wooden floor. Every muscle in its powerful body coiled and ready to spring, to tear down the door between itself and the source of the new scents. Its prey. But something held it back. Some sense of familiarity, of comfort. The whisper of a memory it couldn't quite grasp.

The door clicked open and the wolf crouched before it with a soft growl. The scents were stronger. It bared its teeth as a dark figure stepped cautiously through the doorway. It was big, although nowhere near as big as the wolf. But that feeling returned. One, not of fear, but of familiarity. The figure had a tail, like the wolf. It was low, almost between its legs, but it wagged slowly. Cautiously. 

It stopped walking when the wolf growled. The animal slowly lowered itself to the floor before flipping onto its back in one quick movement. Its ears were pressed firmly against its head, and it let out a quiet whine as its tongue fell out of its mouth. The wolf took a cautious step back. It had never seen this behavior before. It had never actually seen another living animal before. But something clicked in its mind that this was not behavior that was meant to be feared. It was vulnerability. It was submission. 

The wolf lowered itself to the floor, tail swishing against the stained carpet as it watched the creature before it. The animal was still rolling on its back, its own tail swishing rapidly. The wolf’s ears flattened when the other animal rolled onto its stomach and lurched forward with an excited bark. It began to sniff the wolf, the shaggy black tail wagging even more aggressively. The wolf growled in soft warning, but made no move toward the other animal. It knew that it could kill the smaller animal quickly if needed. At this point, it was more curious than scared. 

The creature barked again, several times, as it began to run circles around the wolf. The wolf stood, tail beginning to wag, as its eyes followed the other animal. It was entertaining. Exciting. It wanted to follow the other animal, to chase it. With a hesitant bark which sounded more like a yelp, the wolf jerked forward and began to follow the smaller animal as it ran circles around the room. 

The pair wrestled playfully against the carpeted floor, excited barks and yips filling the once-heavy air. The wolf had never felt exhilarated, excited, playful before. It was new, and good, and it made the wolf forget the pain and hunger and loneliness that usually accompanied its time in the dark space. There was no sense of passing time when it awoke in the shack, but the two animals played for what seemed like hours, until the wolf and the dog had collapsed in the center of the room panting. 

The door creaked again, and the wolf jumped up suddenly, hackles raised. In the excitement of meeting its new friend, it had forgotten about the other scents that had marked the room. There was a looming, unfamiliar figure in the doorway now. It was taller than the wolf, with thick antlers above its head. The wolf let out a whine as the animal approached. 

The dog was by the wolf’s side in an instant, tail wagging as it pranced between the tall creature and the wolf. The wolf watched it cautiously. Its friend was not afraid of the new creature. It was comfortable, familiar. The wolf sniffed cautiously at the new animal before it. The scent was unknown to the wolf, but there was something there. Something it recognized. The smell brought a similar sense of comfort, like the one it had recognized in its new friend. 

There was something else, too. A much smaller creature, clinging to the back of the tall animal. The wolf could smell the fear radiating from the small animal as its muzzle came close to the rodent’s fur. It sniffed, loudly, and the tiny animal let out a squeak. Again, it recognized the smell, although it did not truly know why or how it could recognize something it had never seen or smelled before. Once again, the smell was comforting and familiar. The wolf snorted, prompting another squeak from the tiny figure, and it let out an excited yip before running circles around the room. 

The dog followed, and the pair resumed their efforts to chase one another across the shack. The tall creature joined, accompanied by the fearful rodent, and hours of playing and chasing and excitement passed without incident. The wolf was not scared. It hardly felt the hunger in its stomach, the pain in its bones. For once in its agonizing existence, it was no longer lonely. No longer alone. For the first time in eleven years, after one hundred and thirty nine transformations, the wolf felt joy. 

Remus let out a soft groan as his senses returned. He could hear the soft creak of the old wood that held up the shack. Smell the faint scent of dirt and earth and iron that filled the room. Feel the scratchiness of carpet beneath his body. The soft texture of a blanket on his skin. The distinct absence of sticky, thick blood on his body. An absence of searing pain, of torn skin. Other than the dull ache of his bones and soreness of his muscles, there was nothing. His eyes shot open when he fully processed the lack of pain, the lack of blood, the lack of agony. 

There were three faces in front of him. Well, on top of him. Sirius, James, and Peter were leaning over him on the floor, tired faces split apart with huge grins. 

“Moony, it worked-”

“You won’t believe it Moony, it was the most spectacular thing I’ve ever seen-” 

“Are you feeling okay, Remus?” 

The trio of voices flooded his ears, and Remus just groaned softly in response. He pulled his hand out from under the blanket- he would have to thank whoever placed that over his naked body- and held it out in front of him in a gesture that promoted silence. 

“Slow down,” he rasped. His voice was sore, between the screaming and howling and barking that had filled the night. Remus blinked a few times until his vision fully cleared, and he looked carefully at each of his friends. Other than dark bruises beneath their eyes, there was no sign of any wounds. No noticeable bruises, no scratches, no blood. He felt a surge of emotion in his chest. 

“It worked?” Remus whispered, softly. He couldn’t entirely believe it. It was the first morning after the full moon in eleven years that he didn’t feel torn apart, ravaged, destroyed. He reckoned that he didn’t have a single scratch on him. It would be difficult to describe the feeling, the emotions, that flooded his body. The relief. The excitement. 

The other boys all nodded aggressively, and suddenly they were all laughing and crying and embracing. Remus’ face was pressed into the crook of Sirius’ neck, against the edge of James’s shoulder, with Peter’s hair tickling his ear. The hug was messy and sweaty and wet with tears, but none of the boys seemed to care. 

“You wouldn’t believe what it was like, Remus,” Sirius pulled away excitedly. His eyes were glowing, and despite the exhaustion that was clear on his face, he looked elated.

“It was spectacular, being Padfoot for the whole night. We were just playing all night, the wolf and me. I think it really liked Padfoot. And it was even chasing Prongs around, for a bit!” 

James was grinning. His glasses were skewed across his face, messy hair plastered to his sweaty forehead, but he just nodded at Sirius’ words. “It was aces, Moony. I’ve really never seen anything like it.” 

“You really can’t remember anything?” Peter asked suddenly. Remus just shook his head. He was almost disappointed, for once, that he couldn’t remember the events which occurred during the night of the full moon. 

“I can’t remember a damn thing. But I’m just glad nobody got hurt,” Remus said with a smile. 

The four boys all turned towards the trap door as they heard it click. Madam Pomfrey was early. Although, Remus reasoned, he had been awake for a bit. It must have been some time since the moon had dropped back below the horizon. And, after the events of the previous full moon, she was probably early on purpose.

“Cachu hwch,” Remus hissed. The other boys shot him a bemused look, but their confusion was interrupted by another click from the trap door. 

“Quick, get under the cloak,” James dragged Sirius next to him as he threw the cloak over the shorter boy. Peter shifted quickly into his rat form and disappeared under the cloak with them as the trapdoor clicked one final time and Madam Pomfrey stumbled into the shack. 

“Remus, my dear,” she rushed to his side. Her eyebrows knit together as she began a quick evaluation of his injuries. 

“I didn’t expect to see you awake so soon,” Madam Pomfrey said softly. She took his face in his hands, looking at his pupils carefully. “No head trauma,” she hummed to herself. She lifted his arms and pulled the blanket away from his chest. “No active bleeding.”

“I-it wasn’t bad this time, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus whispered. She just tsked and continued her evaluation. 

“Slight bruising on your back. Your leg seems a bit swollen as well. You must have had quite a workout, running around on it. But…” she looked up at him carefully, eyes filled with a mixture of relief and surprise. “No serious injuries.” Remus just smiled in return. 

“Alright, dear. Let’s get you back to the castle so I can do a proper check. Do you think you can walk?” Madam Pomfrey held out her hands to him as she stood. Remus nodded, grimacing slightly as he rose to his feet. He suppressed a shocked laugh. He couldn’t remember the last time he had stood so soon after waking up from the full moon. 

Madam Pomfrey was clearly just as surprised. “Goodness me,” she said softly. “I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you so well after a full moon, love. We might even get you back to classes by tomorrow morning.” 

Remus pressed his lips together to force back a smile when he heard a muffled laugh from the other side of the room. It was quiet, too quiet for Madam Pomfrey to notice, but Remus would recognize James’ laugh anywhere. 

“That would be quite nice, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus replied with a slight smile. 

Chapter Text

The following Saturday came far too quickly, a fact which Remus was surprisingly okay with. The Gryffindor dormitories had been buzzing with excitement the whole morning, and, for once, he wasn’t too upset to be awake early on a weekend. After all, that afternoon held Gryffindor’s first Quidditch match of the season, a most-anticipated game against Ravenclaw. It would determine which team would go against Hufflepuff in November, and the winner of that match would compete against Slytherin in February. 

Of course, this meant that James and Sirius had spent the entirety of their free time that week on the quidditch pitch. Remus didn’t mind the extra time to himself all that much. He was able to get caught up on homework, spent some extra time studying with Lily, and managed to finish three books that he had checked out from the library in his downtime. But, after a week of hardly seeing Sirius, he was looking forward to the match more than he normally would have been. Mostly, he was looking forward to the match being over. But he was also looking forward to Gryffindor’s win and the subsequent celebration that would inevitably take place in the common room that night.

Despite Sirius’ busy schedule, there was one thing that had remained consistent that week. Sirius slept in Remus’ bed every night following the full moon. It became an unspoken agreement, a silent understanding between the pair. So, of course, neither of them had actually discussed it. They didn’t discuss the fact that, more often than not, they awoke with their arms and legs intertwined. Nor did they discuss the fact that they now fell asleep curled around each other as well. Remus wasn’t going to complain. He slept significantly better with Sirius in his bed and the same could likely be said for the other boy. 

If James and Peter had noticed the new habit, they didn’t bring it up with Remus. Sirius usually waited until the two boys closed their curtains before sneaking into Remus’ bed, and he often got up earlier than Peter or Remus for Quidditch practice. But James, much like the sun, frequently woke up earlier than any of them. Remus would have been a bit surprised if James hadn’t noticed that Sirius’ bed was always empty in the morning. Still, the other boy never brought it up, so Remus didn’t feel the need to justify it. 

Remus glanced at the clock on his bedside table. It was almost noon, which meant he had just enough time to grab lunch before the match. Normally, he would have been tempted to skip the meal. But if he was being entirely honest with himself, he was hungry. It wouldn’t hurt to eat a bit. 

“Pete?” He called across the dormitory. Peter was hunched over in bed, furiously scribbling on a sheet of parchment. 

Peter hummed in response without looking up from his parchment. 

“Wanna get lunch soon?”

Peter’s quill stopped moving and he glanced up at Remus in surprise. “You… want to get lunch?” 

Remus blinked. “Well, the match is in an hour. We should probably eat soon, yeah?” 

The other boy nodded slowly, the corner of his lips quirking up into a small smile. “Right. Yeah, let’s get lunch.”

They ran into Lily, Marlene, and Mary in the common room and the girls quickly decided to join them. The walk to the Great Hall would have been faster if not for Remus’ cane- Madam Pomfrey had upgraded him from a crutch to a cane that week- but the other fifth years didn’t seem to mind. They walked leisurely beside Remus, slowing down without a word when he struggled to match their pace.

“Do you know if Sirius and James will be at lunch?” Lily asked suddenly. Remus suppressed a smile when he heard the other girls snicker at the question, a failed attempt at subtlety in questioning James’ whereabouts. 

“I’ve no idea,” Remus shrugged. “I’m assuming they’ll be there. I doubt James would miss lunch before the first match of the year.”

Peter nodded in agreement. “Unless they’ve already had lunch, they’re probably already in the Great Hall.”

The boys were right, naturally. James, Sirius, Dorcas, and the rest of the Gryffindor quidditch team were crowded along the end of the Gryffindor table, already dressed in their gear and loudly discussing their inevitable victory. The Ravenclaw team was also at their respective table, although they were much quieter in their discussions of the match. 

Remus watched as Sirius’ eyes lit up immediately upon seeing the group enter the Great Hall. He could almost convince himself that Sirius was looking solely at him, that his excitement was similarly exclusive. He felt his cheeks flush at the thought. Actually, Sirius did seem to be looking solely at him. His expression matched that of James, who was closely watching Lily.

“Moony!” Sirius called out excitedly across the hall. Remus’ cheeks felt impossibly warm. The other boy was gesturing eagerly for him to come to the table. 

The group of fifth years quickly squeezed into their unassigned assigned seats beside their friends. Peter squeezed in beside James, and Mary next to Peter. Lily and Marlene sat across from the boys, next to Dorcas. And Remus filled the empty space that was already reserved for him beside Sirius. 

“I didn’t know if you’d be coming to lunch.” Sirius tucked his head next to Remus' ear, voice quiet enough that Remus was the only one who could hear him. 

Remus smiled. As if he would miss out on a chance to see Sirius before the match. 

“I’m pretty hungry. And I figured I won’t get a chance to eat after we win today’s match.” 

“Oh, spot on, Moony. We’ll be too busy drinking ourselves to death tonight.” Sirius grinned and pressed his shoulder into his. Remus leaned back into Sirius’ touch, a soft laugh escaping his lips. His senses were overwhelmed by the other boy, by the feeling of Sirius pressed against his side, the smell of his shampoo and cologne, the sound of his voice. It made Remus completely miss the knowing smile that James cast their way.

Lunch was uneventful, for the most part. Remus spent the majority of the meal silently listening to Sirius, James, Dorcas, and the rest of the quidditch team as they discussed their plans for the match. Quidditch wasn’t a topic Remus was all that knowledgeable on- nor did he particularly care for it- but his friends’ interest and involvement in the sport was enough for him to share their excitement. He still struggled, at times, to keep his focus on the conversation. When it became particularly detailed, he would instead stare at the plate in front of him, picking passively at the helping of shepherd's pie Sirius had placed there.

“Fuck!” 

Remus jumped as James shot up from his seat. “How is it half to one already? We have to get on the pitch quick or Madam Hooch will clobber us.”

The quidditch team scarfed down the rest of their lunch in record time before practically sprinting out of the Great Hall. Despite James’ aggressive rushing, Sirius managed to stay behind for half a second to squeeze Remus’ arm and whisper a quiet, “See you soon,” through the massive grin that split across his face. 

Remus turned back to the remaining fifth years at the table with a shy smile, his cheeks dusty pink, to see Lily, Mary, Marlene, and Peter staring at him.

“What?” He asked, eyes wide. “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“Moony-” Peter began, hesitantly. The blond boy shared a pleading look with Lily, prompting a sigh to force its way through her lips. 

“Fine, might as well get to the point then.” She mumbled before pointedly looking across the table at Remus.

“Are you and Sirius shagging?” 

Remus’ jaw quite literally dropped at the sudden accusation, his fork dropping onto his plate with a loud clink . He just stared, eyes wide, between the matter-of-fact look on Lily’s face, the sheepish expression on Peter’s, and the knowing grin that split across Marlene’s face. Mary, for what it was worth, looked almost as confused as Remus. 

“ What?” Remus exclaimed. He felt his face grow impossibly hot, heat spreading across his chest and neck. He felt a bit itchy, actually, like he was breaking out into hives. Was he having an allergic reaction to something?

“W-what makes you think- why would you-” he stammered, “No, Lily- bloody hell we’re not- we’re not shagging ! Why would you say that?”

It was Lily’s turn now for her face to turn bright pink. “Remus, darling… I mean, come on. It’s quite obvious-”

Remus felt like he was going to be sick. 

“We’re not shagging ,” he said. Remus looked to the boy beside him, eyes wide, practically begging for some kind of explanation from his roommate. “ Wormtail. ”

“Well…” Peter chewed his lip nervously. “It’s just, you’ve both been awful close recently. And James noticed that Sirius hasn’t slept in his own bed for weeks. And, quite frankly, Sirius has just been all over you these last few weeks-”

“It’s obscene!” Marlene exclaimed, excitedly jumping into the conversation. Remus rather wished she hadn’t. He picked nervously at his fingers.

“If I have to sit through one more day of Sirius eye-fucking you from across the room, I think I’m going to lose my mind.” 

Remus felt like he was going to die.

“Well, you’re hardly one to talk, are you, Marlene?” Mary butted in. Bless her. 

Marlene dismissed her with a wave of her hand. “Oh shut it, Mary. Everyone knows about me and Dorcas, it’s no secret. But darling Remus here just looks entirely oblivious all the bloody time and it’s driving me mad.” 

Lily stared at Remus while the two girls bickered before a look of realization crossed her face. 

“Oh, Remus,” she said. “Have you really not noticed?”

Remus felt like he was going to cry.

“Noticed what?” He whispered, voice hoarse. Under the table, he continued to scratch at the skin around his nails.

The other four Gryffindor’s shared pitied glances before bringing their attention back to Remus.

“The way Sirius looks at you, Moony,” Peter said, gently.

“And the way he acts around you,” Marlene added. “It’s the same way I act around Dorcas. The same way James acts around Lils.” Lily flushed bright red at that, but remained quiet.

“I mean, he does seem to be a bit obsessed with you, doesn’t he?” Mary pondered. “He’s obsessed with all of you boys, of course, but he really has latched onto you.”

Remus wasn’t sure how he felt anymore. He kind of just felt numb.

“Remus?” Lily asked softly. Several minutes had passed without any kind of reaction from the thin boy. He just hummed in response, staring at the bloodied hands in his lap, at his raw fingertips. 

“You like Sirius, don’t you?”

He sucked in a sharp breath, finally looking up at the expectant eyes of his friends. He could probably lie. He could say he wasn’t at all queer, that he liked girls, that of course he didn’t like his best friend, he didn’t like Sirius . And it would be such a bloody lie. Remus was tired of lying. Lying about his lycanthropy, lying about his anxiety, his disordered eating habits, his sexuality, his feelings. He felt tears threaten his eyes as he looked between the four people in front of him. Some of the closest friends he would ever have. He couldn’t lie to them, not truly. So he didn’t.

“I don’t like Sirius,” Remus whispered. 

“I think I’m in love with him.”

The afternoon air was crisp, a light layer of snow covering the grass on the pitch. It crunched beneath Remus’ feet as he slowly made his way towards the already-filled stands. He had forgotten how long it took to walk from the castle to the quidditch pitch, especially when he had to navigate the icy ground on his unstable leg. Luckily, he was accompanied by his ever-patient friends, and they made sure he didn’t slip.

They spent the long walk from the Great Hall enthusiastically discussing Remus’ feelings towards Sirius and his obliviousness to the reciprocated nature of said feelings. He felt as if a massive weight had been taken off of his shoulders. The unequivocal acceptance from his friends and their subsequent enthusiasm was better than anything he could have hoped for. Marlene didn’t shy away from telling Remus just how oblivious he was, and just how obvious Sirius’ feelings truly were, but that only made Remus feel even more elated. He had somehow managed to convince himself that Sirius didn’t actually have feelings for him, that they were really just friends. But it was hard to argue against four stubborn Gryffindors with a very convincing case. 

When they finally made it up into the Gryffindor side of the stands, Remus could see his breath puff clouds into the brisk air in front of him. His nose and ears felt numb- he was sure they were bright pink from the cold. He tugged his beanie tighter over his head.

“Bloody hell it's cold,” Peter grumbled. Remus just huffed in agreement, huddling closer to the other boy and tightening the scarf around his neck. He heard Lily whisper a quiet warming spell next to him and let out a grateful sigh when he regained some of the feeling in his face. Their heads swiveled towards the commentator’s booth as a loud voice echoed across the pitch.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you all to the first Quidditch match of the season!” Frank Longbottom's voice boomed. Remus leaned forward towards the railing in front of him to get a better look at the booth- and at the players on the pitch below.

“Lovely to see you all on this brisk afternoon. Joining us on the pitch, you’ll see the lovely Gryffindor team captain and keeper, Alice Prewett, looking as beautiful as always.” Frank’s grin was evident in the echo of his voice. Remus could almost see Alice’s red face, despite how far down she was on the pitch. 

“Following Alice are the triple threat chasers, James Potter, Matthew McLaggen, and Alexandra Rutherford. They’re joined by Gryffindor’s notoriously brutal beaters, Sirius Black and Emmeline Vance. And of course, their deadly quick seeker, Dorcas Meadows!”

Remus shot to his feet and cheered with the Gryffindors and several Hufflepuffs on their side of the stands, Peter, Lily, Marlene, and Mary hollering around him. He silently thanked Merlin for the pair surrounding him on either side, as Peter and Lily both used their weight to support him without a word. They continued to cheer as the Gryffindor team kicked off the ground and soared through the air in front of them.

“And how could we ever forget their opponents! This year, the Ravenclaw quidditch team is headed by their ruthless team captain, Caradoc Dearborn! He’s joined by Bertha Jorkins and Charity Burbage as their three chasers. Beaters Gilderoy Lockheart and Kingsley Shaklebolt are playing in their final year of quidditch as seventh years. Once again, we have the notorious Benjy Fenwick as their keeper. And finally, here to give Dorcas a run for her money, is their newest seeker Hestia Jones!”

The other side of the pitch erupted as Ravenclaws were joined by Slytherins- and a few Hufflepuffs- in an outpour of cheers. 

“Alright, alright!” Frank cheered. “Now that our teams are complete, let’s get this game started!”

At that, the Ravenclaw team quickly took off to join the Gryffindors in the air. Madam Hooch released the bludgers and the snitch before joining them, and with a blow of her whistle and a toss of the quaffle, the game began.

A solid half hour later, neither team had scored a goal on the other and Remus could feel his attention beginning to wane. As entertaining as it was to see his friends compete, the excitement of quidditch wasn’t always maintained for the duration of the match. Remus would have been entirely bored if he didn’t have a somewhat-consistent view of Sirius and James in front of him. 

It was clear that Frank could tell that the crowd was beginning to get a little bit restless from the lack of entertainment. 

“Come on, Gryffindor, let’s put up a better fight for that cup this year! Surely we can’t lose to Ravenclaw! Losing the cup to Slytherin last year was bad enough.”

Remus bit back a smile as he watched McGonagall scold Frank from where she sat behind him on the commentator’s booth. Frank’s words must have had some effect on the players, because Ravenclaw nearly scored on Gryffindor.

“That’s my girl!” Frank cried out, as Alice narrowly blocked a Quaffle shot from Caradoc. “Nice save by Alice! You’ll have to try a little harder than that if you want to get a shot in, Dearborn.” He grinned.

The game was somewhat mundane for another twenty minutes before James finally got a shot past Benjy Fenwick. Less than five minutes later, Charity managed to score on Alice, and the game continued in a similar back and forth pattern. Each time Gryffindor managed to score a goal and get in the lead, Ravenclaw just barely managed to get in a shot to even the score. 

Remus’ attention to the match snapped back into focus just as a blur of red and gold shot past their side of the pitch. The crowd of Gryffindors stood and leaned across the railing to get a better look at the fleeting figure as Frank’s voice echoed across the stadium once more.

“It looks like Meadows has caught sight of the snitch! And there goes Jones, right on her tail.”

Remus watched as Dorcas and Hestia dove below them, nearly skimming the fresh snow that layered the pitch. He couldn’t see the snitch- especially from such a distance- but Dorcas’ outstretched arm meant it was likely just a few metres ahead of her. His cold hands gripped the railing in front of him, and he stretched his body as far as he dared across the wooden barrier. Lily, Peter, Marlene, and Mary mirrored his movements.

Marlene sucked in a sharp gasp beside him as they watched Shacklebolt aim a distressingly well-timed bludger at Dorcas. The ball flew aggressively across the pitch, Dorcas’ head glancing between the snitch in front of her and the ball that was quickly approaching her left side. Remus gritted his teeth, prepared to look away before the inevitable collision, but Sirius and Emmeline were there in an instant to block the shot from hitting their seeker. The pair split off just as quickly as they had arrived, Emmeline moving to block Kingsley from pursuing the bludger and Sirius keeping an eye on Dorcas’ movements.

Cheers echoed across the Gryffindor side of the stands as Dorcas continued toward the snitch, Frank’s booming voice narrating the close save. Remus felt Lily sigh against him with relief, and he shot her a quick grin. 

“That was far too close,” the redhead whisper-yelled into his ear.

“Sirius wouldn’t have let it hit her,” Remus said, just as loud. Lily just rolled her eyes with a smile. 

“You’re hopeless.”

Another round of cheers echoed across the stadium, and the pair looked up just as James threw the quaffle past Benjy Fenwick’s outstretched hands and into the center hoop. Lily audibly screamed in excitement, jumping up and down along with the rest of the crowd. Remus felt breathless as he watched the game near its inevitable end. Dorcas’ hand was practically wrapped around the snitch, Gryffindor had a twenty point lead, and the Ravenclaws were clearly getting desperate. 

His gaze flickered between James and Dorcas before landing on Sirius. He was closer to the Gryffindor side of the stands now, hovering above the crowd. If Remus craned his head, he could just barely make out the dark strands of hair that covered Sirius’ forehead, the bright pink of his windswept cheeks, the dark frown knitting his eyebrows together as he scanned the pitch. 

Remus frowned. Sirius seemed on edge, concerned, sharp eyes flickering between Dorcas and a distant blur of blue that Remus couldn’t quite make out.

Dorcas and Hestia were nearing their side of the pitch now, just above where Sirius was hovering. James and the other chasers were across the pitch near Alice, trying to prevent Dearborn from getting the quaffle into the hoop. He watched from the corner of his eye as Emmeline shot forward from the lower end of the pitch, weaving away from Kingsley with wide eyes, arms waving wildly in an effort to get Sirius’ attention. Her mouth opened, a warning just on the edge of her lips-

It was like time slowed down as the scene unfolded above them. Lockheart flew into focus in a flash of blue against the stark white of the snow, bludger connecting with his bat in a clear shot aimed at Dorcas. Just as the Gryffindor seeker’s hand finally closed around the golden snitch, she was tackled by Sirius, whose body barely managed to shield her from the impact of the bludger. The two went tumbling into the stands in a mess of red robes and tangled limbs. Remus could have sworn someone was screaming beside him, but his ears were ringing too loud for him to figure out who it was.

Remus watched as the crowd surged away from the point of impact, his breath frozen in his chest. Lily’s face was suddenly in front of him, lips moving but words imperceivable between the loud yelling and the ringing in his ears. Peter began pushing him forward towards the noticeable gap growing at the center of the stands just a few metres beside them. He wondered if anyone in the crowd had been hurt, if Sirius and Dorcas’ bodies had crashed into any innocent bystanders. His throat tightened. Had Dorcas gotten hurt? Had Sirius-

Marlene darted past him as an opening appeared in the crowd ahead of them. 

“Dorcas! Dorcas, are you alright?” She was crying, stumbling to her knees in front of the tangle of broken brooms, dark hair, and red and gold robes strewn between the benches.

“Marlene?” 

Remus heard a groan from the pile. Dorcas’ face appeared from beneath the folds of her Quidditch robes, fragments of wood and fiber sticking out from her mess of dark curls. Despite her obvious discomfort, her expression morphed into a sly grin as she raised her fist in the air to display the golden snitch held tightly between her fingers. Remus distantly heard Frank's voice boom across the pitch, announcing Gryffindor's victory. The crowd around them erupted in cheers, but the fifth year Gryffindors still held their breath.

“Oh, Dorcas!” Marlene threw her arms around the disoriented girl with a sob. “Are you okay? Are you hurt, love?” She pressed a daring kiss, lightning quick, to the other girl’s lips.

“M’fine,” Dorcas smiled, roughly rubbing away at the dirt on her face. “Sirius took the brunt of the fall, I think.” She grimaced at the mess of robes and limbs beneath her. 

Remus wouldn’t say that he wasn’t relieved to see that Dorcas was okay. He definitely cared about her wellbeing, and he was glad to see that she seemed entirely fine. But, at that moment, she wasn’t particularly high on his list of priorities. So he didn’t fully register the way he shoved unceremoniously past her at the sight of Sirius beneath her, definitely didn’t notice her scoff at his blatant disregard for her bruised limbs. 

He only noticed Sirius. Sirius, bruised and battered, struggling to pull away from Dorcas and up from the floor of the stands. Sirius, hair disheveled, blood smeared across his face and bright crimson dripping from his nose. Sirius, who was okay, who was mostly fine other than a possibly-broken nose and limbs that would surely be aching that night. Remus felt the air that had been painfully trapped in his chest release with a jagged sigh of relief as the disoriented boy finally met his eyes, bloodied lips twisting into a crooked smile.

“Hiya, Moony. Fancy seeing you here.”

Remus let out a watery laugh and knelt down in front of Sirius, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through his ankle at the movement.

“You bloody idiot,” he whispered. 

With a deep breath fueled by generations of Gryffindor courage, Remus surged forward and pressed a fierce kiss against Sirius’ lips.