Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There were three things you needed to know about Hisoka Morow if you intended to understand him.

One: He always knew exactly what he wanted, and he would do anything to get it.

Two: Despite the playful aura surrounding him at all times, he wasn't as social as people made him out to be at first glance.

Three: He had a cam show.

Not very many people knew all three things about him and so, just as little knew what the fuck was going on with him. You could fairly quickly discern how well a person was acquainted with him, though.

When mentioning his name, the individuals who merely ever passed him on campus would refer to his looks, and his looks only. He was quite the imposing figure. Standing over six feet tall, a shock of fire-red hair either coiffed back or falling in loose waves into his handsome face, he was always dressed and painted to the nines, even for a fashion design student. Overall, people regardless of gender or orientation would agree he was a strikingly attractive young man.

But the ones who had actually worked up the courage to speak to him, and for longer than a minute, would quickly realise he was eccentric, and any conversation could – and usually would – turn into a confusing game only he knew the rules of. Friends of his – of which he didn't have many to begin with – would use words like arrogant, selfish or annoying to describe him. In fact, all of Hisoka's friendships had this weird, borderline uncomfortable vibe to them; he himself would be giggling and laughing, while the other person would appear irritated or bewildered, as if not in on the joke. Some people argued, Hisoka didn't have any true friends, just acquaintances he kept for his own amusement.

Everyone knew him, but he seemed to deliberately lack any real connection to people, a social butterfly that emerged as quickly as it could disappear again, revelling in attention as much as he did in solitude and commanding any situation he was in. Speaking to the same Hisoka in the same setting on two separate days could result in two wildly different reactions. So those who ventured closer to him rarely tried more than once, deterred by his fluctuating, volatile behaviour.

And then there were the people who were reckless enough to ask Hisoka out on a date, like moths flying directly into the flame. The eventual rejection wasn't the part they burned their fingers on. In fact, Hisoka would always say yes, because he was playful by nature and enjoyed toying with other's feelings, almost getting a kick out of never falling for someone but being able to make others melt. He knew people were horny for him, so much so that he could pick and choose to his own liking, and drop whoever got too boring, leaving broken hearts in his wake and finding nothing but amusement from it. That's how things had been ever since he started university, and he was firmly set on a path to become the most irresistible brat alive.

In his cam show, he usually did his streams alone, but from time to time he could coax a date or an acquaintance to join him in front of the camera, only if he deemed them attractive and sexually skilled enough, of course. Mostly it would work out fine, other times it wouldn't. There was always a thrilling element of uncertainty to it, which helped Hisoka in regards to his own arousal – he wasn't much of a safety type of guy. Vanilla was the most boring flavour to him in every sense of the word. Then again, he had very high standards when it came to sex.

His cam show partners would either be able to deliver something that resulted in amazing tips from his viewers or... well. Not that. One time, a guy had gotten cum in his eye during a blowjob and the resulting irritation of his eyeball in the following days had prompted fellow students to ask him where he'd gotten pink eye from. Hisoka had not spoken to the guy ever again. Another time, a girl had complained he was only ever sexually available in front of a camera and never “in private”, like she didn't even try to understand he was clearly only interested in the content he could create with her and nothing else. She still came back to have him eat her out and when that had become too boring, her sweet moans turning into a cacophony of annoying sounds in his ears, Hisoka had cut her off like the others.

Needless to say, he didn't do relationships very well, and by the end of his first year in university, people were slowly starting to catch on, and began to avoid him. Which he didn't mind in terms of his sociability – he just wished his sex life didn't have to suffer from it. People could be such prudes, really.

Hisoka still did his solo streams but he was starting to question if a change of pace could get him what he wanted – namely, finding someone who was capable of absolutely railing him (he'd gotten tired of topping), and not bore him to death after the first time. So for months, he kept his eyes peeled, but couldn't find anyone that sparked his interest, or hadn't heard of his antics before and steered clear of him out of principle.

And then, Chrollo had come along.

“Is this seat taken?” Hisoka looked up from his red solo cup, shaken out of his thoughts, at the dark-eyed man who had just joined him on the porch. He had taken refuge from the loud party inside the house, too many semi-familiar-but-also-kind-of-already-forgotten faces whispering with sour expressions or falling completely silent whenever he entered a room. Most likely exes and former stream partners, he didn't really care to try and remember too much. There would always be others. Eventually.

Now, this face, he was sure he hadn't seen before. And what a pretty one it was. Maybe the universe was already sending him a perfect candidate to test his new plan. (And maybe he was just horny and drunk.)

“Be my guest.” He smiled his usual attractive, seductive smile, and scooted aside on the swing bench. Chrollo muttered out a polite thank you – to Hisoka's utter bewilderment he didn't get flustered at the way he shot a grin at him – and took a seat next to him. Hisoka blinked and then snorted as he saw him opening a book, tiny clip-on light and all.

“You brought a book to a party?”

“Well, I was planning on reading tonight. My friends dragged me here.” He nodded towards a colourful group of people playing beer pong in the yard. Hisoka wasn't sure if he knew any of them, but that didn't really matter right now. He only did a cursory glance before focusing all of his attention back onto the man next to him.

“I see. I have to thank your friends, then. I was starting to get lonely out here, but now I seem to be in quite the pleasant company~”

Chrollo smiled, but he still didn't seem flustered. He thumbed the pages until he found the part he had apparently stopped reading at. Hisoka blinked again. Maybe he was drunk. Or straight. No one had ever so outright ignored him or his advances. Everyone at least stared for a few seconds, even on campus when he was wearing more casual outfits, but tonight he looked downright gorgeous, so for Chrollo not to gawk at him at all was... odd.

But it was too early to give up. If anything, the lukewarm reaction only spurred him on further – he hadn't heard an explicit “no”, after all.

“I'm Hisoka, by the way. Who do I have the pleasure of meeting?” Now, Chrollo looked up at him. To Hisoka's satisfaction, the tips of his ears went a little pink. That's more like it.

“Oh, how rude of me. I'm Chrollo.” They shook hands – Hisoka made sure the other could see his sharp, painted nails, and tilted his head in a playful way, his earrings dangling and glistening in the low light. He relished in the dark eyes now fully taking him in for the first time, lingering for a short while on his makeup and the low cut of his shirt.

“What are you studying?” Hisoka said, voice playful as if inviting his newly-found toy for sex. (Well, he was.) Chrollo smiled politely and avoided his look – Hisoka couldn't pinpoint whether it was out of shyness or something else.

“Literature and philosophy. And yourself?”

“Fashion, with a focus on costume design.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

Hisoka grinned and leaned in. “Does it?”

“Yes, I mean...” Chrollo gestured towards him, and there was a look on his face Hisoka was greatly intrigued by. “You look very fashionable,” he said, voice kind, and his eyes lingered on Hisoka's choker that was now very openly showcased, before he stopped himself from staring, all polite. It was almost too sweet to be true for a guy of his looks. Hisoka immediately wanted to make him blush and openly stare at him, make him take what he so obviously already wanted.

“Thank you, you're not too bad yourself,” he purred.Testing the waters a little more, he added, “You're not single, are you?”

“Oh, I-...” The other man laughed in surprise and looked out on the garden for a while, before shooting Hisoka a smile and continuing, “I am.” Hisoka grinned, all canines and mischief.

“Oh~? What a surprise. Me too. We should do something about that.” When he saw his Adam's apple bob with a heavy swallow, and the following flustered laugh music to his ears, Hisoka knew getting Chrollo for himself would be a piece of cake. But with a gentleman, rushing wouldn't do him any good. It would spoil the end and drive him away prematurely, so he had to be careful. And Hisoka was in the mood for a longer game.

The one-night-stands were starting to get boring anyways, maybe he could do with something different for a while. And Chrollo seemed like a good catch, for a starting-point at least. God, Hisoka hoped he was kinky under all that calm facade.

“So... what are you up to, when you're not busy attending parties with your copy of,” Hisoka tilted his head to see the title of the book, “'The Song of Achilles' or studying philosophy?” As Chrollo's hands brushed over the hardcover in an almost worshipping way, a tender smile on his lips, Hisoka noticed how beautiful his fingers were. He wanted them around his throat.

“I mostly hang out with my friends if I can find the time. We all have busy schedules, but we make it work somehow.”

Hisoka giggled, “The friends who dragged you here, where you prefer to sit on the porch instead of partying with them?”

“The very same. But I don't mind. I'm enjoying this evening in my own way.” His eyes lingered on Hisoka's form with a smile, almost sheepish.

“Huh. I didn't take you for the adventurous type...” He dragged one of his painted nails along the embossed, golden letters on the book cover. Chrollo followed his movement with his eyes. Their fingers almost brushed, and Hisoka saw the other young man inhale a little deeper. Then he said, quietly:

“Hm, maybe you would be surprised.” Hisoka grinned upon hearing that.

“That's good to know~ So... Would those friends be mad if I asked you out?”

Big, dark eyes blinked at him. Hisoka expected a blush or flustered stuttering – it was what he was used to whenever he made advances – but Chrollo just stared at him for a while, before smiling a little more and shrugging. “I don't think they would be.”

“Up for an adventure then?”

Chrollo laughed, a purity to the sound Hisoka hadn't heard from anyone for a long time. “With you? I think so, yes.”

The open sweetness drove him mad, but he was up for a challenge. Hisoka closed his eyes in a fox-like smile. Chrollo seemed too pure to be true, almost naïve. Hisoka's brain was firmly set on corrupting him. It wouldn't be the first time he'd done that to someone.

“Lucky me~ Let me give you my number then.”

After exchanging information, and a bit more of frisky conversation, Hisoka got up and waved Chrollo goodbye as he got off the porch and the lawn, and as he looked back, the quiet eyes were already fixed on the book again. What a god-damn tease. He would get him to give him all of his attention at one point or another, and then... Hisoka felt hot.

Walking towards his apartment, he opened an app and quickly uploaded a selfie he'd taken before leaving for the party, as well as a countdown element, into his status.

Flush_Of_Hearts: what a chance encounter can do to you... imagination running wild~ extra stream in 30! ♥

Aaaand post. Upon arriving home, he quickly set up his equipment, the soft glow of the ring light dyeing the abundance of soft pillows and blankets on his bed in a warm rose haze of which he knew made his skin look absolutely irresistible on camera. He touched up his makeup and selected one of his many toys, Chrollo's build and imagined size in mind, fantasies already going strong, and made himself comfortable on his mattress.

Having checked and adjusted his camera angle one last time, he started the stream, and greeted the viewers who were already waiting for him.

“Hello there~ How nice to see so many of you, especially all of my regulars and everyone new~ Don't be shy now, I don't bite... too much.”

He chuckled to himself. Hisoka quickly scanned over the familiar aliases littering the chat with happy exclamations and greetings, and was extra pleased to see a certain username among all the others.

PinsAndNeedles301: Good evening. What a nice surprise.

Of all of his audience members, Hisoka liked this one the most. Not only because he found their unwavering use of correct punctuation and grammar extremely hilarious in a chat that mostly consisted of horny emojis and keysmashing, but also because said user always gave him tips that had three digits at least. Every once in a while, even more than that. If they ever missed a stream, they would watch the recording later, and tip him in hindsight.

“You're all in for a treat! I just came home from a party, and I met the most handsome man I ever laid eyes upon~”

Hisoka's streams were always different. Sometimes they got straight to the point, with him already half or fully naked by the time the camera started, other times he would take his time telling an anecdote and paint a pretty picture with his words, like today. Of course he didn't always stick to the full truth with his stories, but who was going to sue him over that?

He kept talking about the attractive stranger he'd met on the porch, adding details and exchanges that hadn't been there, riling up his audience as well as his own fantasies, and then slowly, sensually started stripping in front of the camera while running his hands over his own body.

“I keep imagining him holding me down as I squirm...” Hisoka let his fingertips drift along his throat and down his chest, circling a nipple, “He had such nice arms and hands and deep, dark eyes. So quiet and gentle... I bet he's more than capable of getting rough, though. It's always the quiet ones, right?” He made a show of lying back on the pile of pillows. His legs were already spread, and everyone had seen him grow hard throughout his story. By now, his words were more often dragged into an almost moaning tone of voice, teasing the audience with the last piece of fabric remaining on his body: sinfully red lace panties.

The chat was running wild, and a lot more people had joined ever since he started the stream just ten minutes ago. Hisoka ran his fingertips along the seam of the fabric, and then, in a lewd display, shamelessly dragged his tongue along his own palm and along his fingers before dipping a hand below the hem and taking himself in hand. “You think he'd fully undress me, or just push me up against the nearest wall, bend me over and yank my underwear to the side for easy access? Ah, fuck~”

Almost immediately the first donations came flooding in, twenty dollars here, five dollars there, all with messages asking him to fully undress, show more of himself, touch himself more. Hisoka grinned, his eyes curving with it. He loved the attention (and the money). Being able to play with such a large number of people, having them openly thirst over him, never getting enough, all while he got to please himself in the exact way he wanted, without the obligation to really answer to someone, was a huge turn-on for him.

Hisoka kept moving his hand on his cock below the thin fabric, pinching his nipple with his other hand until it was nice and swollen and pink. He let his eyes fall half-closed, making sure to look directly at the camera from time to time, giving every viewer the feeling he was giving them their own private show. Staying true to the fantasy he had established for them, he finally pushed aside the piece of clothing to reveal his hole for all of them to see, the outline of his hard-on clearly visible through the fabric remaining in place. Precum was already staining it.

Once again, an onslaught of messages sped up the chat to a pace where it couldn't be read anymore, the jingle of the donations notification becoming a near constant.

Hisoka laughed, the sound melodic and dripping with seduction, and tilted his head more, giving the camera a cocky smile. “My, I wonder if he'd be a match for your eagerness... I haven't even started yet.” Uncapping the lube and slicking his fingers with it, he circled his entrance a few times before he pushed the first inside. His eyes fell shut, and he fully gave himself up to his fantasy. He was a performer at heart, and his audience loved him, so he was ready to give them his all.

After stretching himself just enough – he liked it when it hurt a little – his skin was already a pretty shade in all the right places and his lips were shiny with saliva, it was about time the toy got some action.

Hisoka started slowly, still leaning back against the bedding cushioning him, spreading his legs further to make sure his unseen audience could get a good look. He eased the tip inside, but then quickly, greedily shoved the entire thing up his ass until the base hit his skin, like he imagined an overly eager lover would. He gasped into the air.

His hand firmly clutching the toy, he started moving it in and out at a steady pace, making sure to simulate perfectly placed, intense thrusts to the best of his abilities. His free hand helped bending one of his legs further, towards his torso. He pushed deeper, harder, wet sounds becoming audible enough for the microphone to pick them up.

After a few minutes, he switched positions, treating the onlookers to a view of his firm ass and muscled back, sinking down once more and then riding the toy in an eager rhythm, bracing himself with one hand on the headpiece of his bed, the other holding the dildo in place as he moved his hips up and down.

He kept vocalizing his thoughts, images of Chrollo's kind and calm eyes slowly being tinted with lust vivid in his mind; how Hisoka would make him lose his cool, make that politeness crack, tempt him enough until he fucked him to a point where he couldn't remember his name. His voice echoed off the walls of the empty room.

His hips shook as the head of the artificial dick brushed over his prostate again and again, and a needy sound passed his lips. Hisoka threw a glance over his shoulder.

“Getting close~ Do you think he'd let me come...?”

He lifted his hips, repositioned himself, facing the screen and camera a second time, and then lowered himself on the toy again, his erection dribbling against his abs, still being held in place by his panties as he kept gyrating his lower body. Hisoka bit his lip with a moan as he let his fingertips circle his cock's head, reading the messages attached to the incoming donations – the only way to still actually converse with him with the speed the other chat was rushing by.

_givememore_ donated $20: yes yes yes you can cum just let us watch!!!!

6XXX9 donated $6,66: keep it up gorgeous

sw33t.thing donated $15: come with me baby I'm so close ♥

Hisoka leaned back on his pile of pillows, bending his knees, heels digging into the mattress as he took himself in hand once more, as a new donation suddenly popped up, carrying the username he had been waiting for.

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $500: Not yet. Keep going.

Hisoka actually stopped moving for a split-second, eyes going wide at the insanely generous amount. It wasn't an unusual thing from that particular viewer, but Hisoka was still always a little surprised. He couldn't even imagine having that kind of money to just throw out of the window. But he was far from complaining about receiving that kind of attention. Strict commands, even if he couldn't see the person, always did something for him. In real life, rarely anyone ever dared to order him around. (A shame, really.)

He chuckled, slowing his hand on his own cock a little, keeping off the sensitive head for now. He straightened and then kneeled, spreading his legs further to emphasise the muscles in his thighs (he remembered PinsAndNeedles301 mentioning how much they enjoyed this body part in particular), and balanced himself on his hands behind him, still riding the toy.

“Someone's greedy... let's- ah-- let's all say thank you to PinsAndNeedles301 for keeping the show going~ “ As if entranced by his comment, the chat was now teeming with words of thanks, countless hearts and praying hand emojis, tagging PinsAndNeedles301. Hisoka threw his head back as the new angle made the dildo rub over his sweet spot with every single move he made. “And from myself, of course, thank you for- ah~... thank you for the tip-- nhh~ Enjoy the view~”

He kept going until he felt light-headed, his skin covered in a sheen of sweat, the roll of his entire upper body mesmerising to watch. His elaborate sentences painting his fantasies slowly crumbled into short exclamations, as if talking to a present lover. Finally, he couldn't hold himself back any longer, and moved his hand up to tease his tip and the precum-laced slit again, running the edge of a sharp nail over it.

It only took a few seconds before he reached the blinding peak, toes curling into the bedding, a strangled moan caught in his throat, whiteness overtaking his mind and vision, as well as painting his stomach and chest in hot streaks, the dildo pushed inside to the brim. God, how he wished someone real would be there to hold him down and fill him up right now, while he just helplessly twitched and whined as he came--

Several minutes later, waves of his orgasm slowly ebbing, Hisoka sank back against the pillows, spotting his slightly dishevelled appearance on screen, all pink cheeks and chest, mussed hair, and mascara bleeding around his eyes a little. He smiled, very much satisfied with his work, and tried to catch his breath, in a way that would still look attractive to his audience. He shifted deliberately, so the wet mess on his stomach would catch the light, as a treat.

Then, he slowly eased the toy out of himself, revealing a view of his glistening, abused hole, slick with lube. The toy flopped uselessly against his inner thigh, smearing the string of lubricant further.

The chat was still going strong, though quite a few people had notably stopped typing, probably busy with their hands somewhere else. Hisoka let the lace slip back into place and leaned back, chest still heaving slightly, relishing in the high of his climax.

Soon after, as usual, another wave of donations came.

clown-fan87 donated $25: so fucking hotttttt. thank you for the stream!!

Username420 donated $4,20: daddy's favourite little slut ♥♥♥

p1x13d1ck donated $55: Damn, your orgasm face is so hot! ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝) Thanks for the fun time!

Hisoka smiled, feeling very content with himself. “Thank you for coming~” He winked. “And thank you for your donations~ It's been a pleasure, as always.” Hisoka slowly leaned forward, inching closer to the camera as seductive as he could muster, spoiling everyone with a generous close-up of his face as well as a delicious view of his still flushed, cum-stained torso. “See you again soon, lovelies. Good night~” He stuck out his tongue and ended the stream.

He clicked off the ring-light and the magic of the moment faded with it. Sighing, he pushed off the bed, leaving everything set up for now, walking into the en-suite bathroom.

He cleaned himself under the shower, took off his makeup and, after getting through his painstakingly crafted skincare routine, he took care of the toy and the mess on his sheets as well. With everything tucked away in its respective place, now clad in comfy clothes, he returned to his place on the bed. As expected, there were a few more donations, the highest being another one from PinsAndNeedles301 in the hundreds, as well as a bunch of DMs.

Hisoka rarely ever read most of these with more than half of his attention, seeing how the majority were just confessionals on how people wanted to fuck him – sometimes there were some gems hidden among these but many just missed the mark – the unavoidable slice of dick pics, and an occasional meaningless “hello” without further context.

However, there was an exception. Hisoka was delighted to see the one he had hoped to read from had written to him again.

Like a clockwork, without fail, PinsAndNeedles301 would write him another personal “Thank you” after every stream, as well as a note on what they had liked best this time. They had done so for more than a year. It was all so oddly sincere and detailed, Hisoka had found himself coming back to the chat after his streams ended or whenever he felt down. It had almost become some sort of weird aftercare ritual for him.

Before treating himself to the latest message, he scrolled back up to give himself a little extra confidence boost, further cementing his good mood.

[1 week ago]

PinsAndNeedles301: Thank you for the stream. You wore your hair differently today, I enjoyed that a lot. I didn't realise how curly it actually is, it looked quite soft. I liked the way it clung to your skin at the end.

Flush_Of_Hearts: I'm glad you liked it! ♥ I dare to say it is quite soft to the touch~ (⁎ᵕᴗᵕ⁎）thank you so much for watching, and for your generous donation.

PinsAndNeedles301: It's my pleasure. Have a good night.

[4 days ago]

PinsAndNeedles301: Thank you for the stream. Your outfit was very nice tonight, did you make it yourself? It looked like it was made for your body and your body only. I was pleased you kept in on throughout.

Flush_Of_Hearts: You have a good eye. ♥ yes, it's self-made, i'm studying fashion and sew most of my favourite pieces myself~ thank you for your donation, as always!

PinsAndNeedles301: Impressive, I've always admired custom-made clothes. Let me know if you ever open commissions in that regard.

PinsandNeedles301: And it's my pleasure. Please keep up the good work.

Flush_Of_Hearts: I will! ♥♥♥

Ah, why couldn't everyone treat him this way? The user was probably a rich old geezer with plenty of free time on their hands, sitting somewhere on a tropical island or in a huge private mansion and getting their rocks off to a stream because no one else would fuck them. Or maybe they were an attractive young bachelor or bachelorette whose kinks kept them from having a relationship, because they were surrounded by just as many prudes as Hisoka. But with the amount of money on the table, both scenarios were equally unlikely, he mused. Still, Hisoka greatly appreciated the attention he got from them. Being on the receiving end of this unusual dynamic wasn't a bad thing, and for an obviously loaded person, PinsAndNeedles301 was unnecessarily but not shallowly polite, something Hisoka enjoyed. He scrolled down to read the latest message.

[Just now]

PinsAndNeedles301: Thank you for the stream. You looked very pleasing tonight. The stranger at the party was a true inspiration, it seems, as you rarely paint such a vivid picture with your narration. It was nice seeing you forget and enjoy yourself like this. Thank you for also taking my request into account.

Flush_Of_Hearts: How could i say no to my most loyal viewer? ♥ thank you again for your generosity!

PinsAndNeedles301: My pleasure. Will your inspiration join your streams soon?

Hisoka chuckled reading the last message. Apparently great minds thought alike. Hisoka recalled Chrollo's smile at the party, and checked his phone to see if he had any new messages. Sure enough, there was a notification from the man, coming much quicker than Hisoka had thought. He grinned to himself. Oh, his new toy was so easy, and apparently already needy for him. Good.

He tossed the phone aside for now, set on leaving his potential date to flounder for a few more hours, and returned his attention to the screen in front of him.

Flush_Of_Hearts: We'll see. (^_~) ♥

-

Three months.

He had been dating Chrollo for three months and Hisoka slowly but surely came to terms with the realisation that Chrollo was maybe the most incorruptible person to ever exist. Whenever Hisoka went out of his way to be seductive, no, downright slutty, Chrollo would look at him with the same sweet smile and polite restraint.

His cheeks and ears would tint, and he would flirt back, but nothing ever came of it. Whenever the kissing turned into more, Chrollo's composure would click back into place before they could get down to business. It drove Hisoka wild. In the beginning of their relationship, he had been so sure it would be a piece of cake to get Chrollo to fuck him, but that hadn't happened so far.

Of course he hadn't outright asked him to do so (what fun would that be?) but could he be any more obvious about his wants and needs?!

So, while he was waiting on anything to happen, Hisoka kept doing his streams solo, feeding his audience fake stories about his hot new boyfriend, his fantasies a far cry from reality. His actual dates with Chrollo had so far consisted of comfortable evenings on the couch, watching movies or going out for dinner, a few more party visits where his boyfriend complimented his looks and then made out with him in an unoccupied room, and even some trips with Chrollo's group of friends to a nearby resort and an evening of almost-jacuzzi-sex (that one not working out had been particularly frustrating).

Objectively speaking, the entire situation wasn't bad per se, in fact, it was the most stable and long-lasting fling Hisoka had ever been involved in up until now. If only he were into that.

He was really starting to get impatient. Touching yourself would only get you so far before it drove you insane. And standing next to your fairly attractive boyfriend of several months who had not even fully grabbed your ass yet even once, no matter how short your shorts were or how far you bent over right in front of him, was starting to make Hisoka feel like an idiot.

On top of it all, even without any action taking place, Chrollo openly adored him, showering him with compliments and gifts and attention, and Hisoka didn't fully understand why it always left him utterly turned off. He wasn't bored yet, that was for sure, still resolutely set on getting laid by this illegally gorgeous man at some point, but something wasn't quite right.

Maybe he was just in dire need of an orgasm that wasn't delivered by his own hands.

The true realisation came a few months later, when they finally, finally had sex for the first time. With his flirting never coming to fruition, Hisoka had broken his self-imposed unspoken rule, ultimately taking the initiative, and pushed Chrollo against the wall of his room, kissing him in a way that couldn't be misunderstood. Now he was on his own bed, shirt pushed up, pants just hiked low enough, looking up at the dark grey eyes above him.

At long last, he had Chrollo visibly hard for him, a tremble in his usually so calm eyes. The trace of lust on his face felt like a trophy. Surely he had been thinking about this just as long as Hisoka had. He felt his own pulse jump. Tonight, he would get what he wanted. He would finally see that ruthless side of Chrollo.

Oh, he couldn't wait~

Couldn't wait--

What the fuck was he waiting for?

Hisoka couldn't believe it. Minutes later, through with the countless “Is this okay?”s, Chrollo was inside of him, eyes closed in bliss, compliments and praises about how good Hisoka felt spilling from his lips, and Hisoka found himself bored out of his mind. He was too stunned to even act like he enjoyed any of this, much less reciprocate the statements. It was all so straight-forward. Missionary. No teasing. Soft kisses. Boring, vanilla bullshit.

He had wasted six months for this? Were they inexperienced teenagers? What good was a cock this size if one didn't know how to use it properly?

In a last, almost desperate attempt, he hooked a leg on Chrollo's side and switched their position, now straddling him, sinking down to the hilt. Chrollo's face flushed and he opened his mouth, but Hisoka kissed him, long and seductive, swallowing any potential protest.

“Shh, let me take care of it~”

It only took one roll of his hips and he felt the other man tense below with a groan, hands trying to hold him still. Hisoka blinked. From the unmistakable shaking and the following sigh he knew Chrollo had just come.

You've got to be kidding me.

So, now here they were, his boyfriend already done after what felt like three minutes and Hisoka thinking this would normally be a good time to start the actual sex, thank you very much. He didn't even get to have fun with being filled up, because of course Mister Perfect had put on a condom.

In that exact moment the sobering reality finally fully crashed down on Hisoka: There was no way this was going to work out.

The aftermath was... awkward, to say the least.

Chrollo ran apologetic fingers down the side of his face. “I'm sorry, babe, that just... overwhelmed me. It was my first time with another man, and I didn't expect you to...-” He cleared his throat. Oh come on. Like no one before Hisoka had ever tried to ride his dick.

“Well, at least you liked it, I guess.” Hisoka did his best to keep his voice light, but it barely masked the frustration he felt low in his stomach. Not that he particularly tried to hide it. Chrollo noticed right away.

“But you didn't?” It wasn't a question. Hisoka was happy to provide a clear answer nonetheless.

“Not really, no.” He pulled a sweater over his quickly cooling skin, forcing Chrollo to pull his hand back by doing so.

“Oh.” His boyfriend glanced at him, eyes insecure, an unguarded shame slowly surfacing. Hisoka kept looking at the ceiling, sighing inwardly. “Tell me what I can do to change that next time. I want you to feel good, even though I might not be the most experienced.” So sickeningly sweet. He was fed up with that. Better rip the band-aid off in one quick move.

There would be no next time. And he would make sure Chrollo understood that. He still had an ace up his sleeve.

Hisoka turned onto his side.

“I have a cam show, you know.”

Chrollo's eyes went wide. “What?”

“A cam show. I jerk off in front of a webcam for money, and have done so for years. Sometimes someone joins me.”

“... Wait, what? While we were dating, too? Did you--”

“Relax. I only did solo shows in the past six months, but yeah, those, I do several times a week.”

Chrollo was visibly struggling to catch up, stress painting the area of his collarbone and neck in red blotches. He was quiet for a while before he concluded, disbelief straining his voice, “And you want me to join you.”

“At some point, yes. That's what you can do to make me feel good. But then you'd have to bring it.” He made sure to put extra emphasis on the last part of the sentence.

Chrollo blinked, mortification and shock slowly giving way to anger in his look, and he reached up to massage the space between his eyes, taking a deep breath, before looking at Hisoka again. “Don't you think you should've told me? So we could discuss? Or at least have asked me if I was comfortable with that? It's not like this is a minor thing – it sounds like a huge part of your life!”

“Why wouldn't you be comfortable with that? Don't you want to show the world I'm yours?”

His soon-to-be ex-boyfriend gaped at him. “Jesus Christ, maybe because I don't want anyone to see how we have sex. That's private. We don't have anything to prove to anyone, and it's not like I'm hiding you away or act particularly jealous. We go out so much I'm pretty sure everyone on campus knows we're involved. I don't get why– why you need random strangers to know. What do you even like about doing such a thing? Showing yourself like this to randos on the internet? I thought sex was supposed to be something reserved for someone you cared about.” Of course such a sweet person wouldn't understand.

“What I like about it? Everything. I like being seen. By now, I know exactly what I want in sex. And I like it rough.”

Chrollo's eyebrows shot up. “Rough? Like...”

“Like, a lot rougher than this.” And a lot longer. “Ideally, I want my partner to slap me, choke me, pull my hair, push me down, tie me up, make me cry until my voice gives out.”

“Make you cry? Why would I-- I don't want to make you cry.” Chrollo once again looked wholly overwhelmed, if not a little horrified. “Why do you like being abused on camera?”

“It's not abuse, it's a kink, you never came across that before?”

“I mean, I have, in some books or online, I just didn't think...” Chrollo was silent once more, eyes searching Hisoka's face, considering, before he swallowed and shook his head. “I don't think I could do that to you. Or to anyone. I'm not... into that.”

Hisoka sighed and rolled onto his back. “I figured. Well, that's it then.” Chrollo sat up.

“What do you mean 'that's it'?”

“It's over. You can go.” Hisoka waved him off. Chrollo's face seemed to turn to stone.

“A-...Are you serious?”

“Yes. This is obviously not going to work out. Go.” The other man went pale.

“Wait, so it's your cam show or nothing? You're not even going to try and find a compromise? Do all the other things we have not matter to you? Everything we shared, all the times we've laughed? I thought you--”

“I won't make any compromises when it comes to that, for no one. I know what I want and you obviously can't give it to me.”

“Well you should have said something sooner, I could have told you! Did you really just lead me on for half a year just to have sex?”

Hisoka shrugged and sat up as well. Chrollo watched him, in absolute disbelief.

“I thought the wait would be worth it, then we could’ve played a bit longer. Guess I was wrong. You're not the only one who's disappointed.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! This isn't a game, I-”

Hisoka couldn't help but chuckle. “What, did you fall for me? Come on.” Chrollo scrunched his brows, shame tinting his cheeks. He didn't say anything, but his look was enough of an answer for Hisoka. Poor, sweet thing.

He laughed, the sound echoing cruelly off the walls. “Well, too bad. Your feelings won't change the fact we're physically incompatible.”

As if he was going to waste any more time on someone who couldn't deliver. He was done lying to himself, because what good was the effort of keeping the whole ridiculous relationship shtick going if there was no satisfying payoff?

Hisoka decided to put the final nail into the coffin. This conversation was getting boring as well.

“So unless the compromise you're going on about is you being okay with me getting my rocks off with someone else, then I'm afraid this is over.”

Chrollo just stared at him, eyes gone glassy. Hisoka clicked his tongue and said, “Yeah, I thought so.” He knew the wound he had just ripped open would prevent Chrollo from continuing the conversation, so he calmly repeated, “Go.”

There was a silent exhale, a long stretch of silence where neither of them moved. Then, a shaky inhale, Chrollo rubbing his forehead.

Hisoka looked over at him, with an unwavering, unaffected stare, while the other man was visibly fighting back tears, completely heartbroken.

For a split-second, Hisoka thought their whole conversation would be the key to finally provoke Chrollo enough to bring violence to the situation, punish him maybe, show a new and exciting site that would reignite his interest in him, but to his immense disappointment, he just silently gathered his things, got dressed, and went to the door, the first tears rolling down his face when he took a final look at Hisoka.

“You know, my friends warned me,” his voice sounded rough, “Apparently you have a reputation. They said you would do this, that you obviously have some kind of issue. But I didn't want to believe them. I didn't care about the rumours. I thought whatever it was, we could work on it together, and I liked- … I enjoyed being with you.”

Hisoka cocked a single brow. Chrollo laughed in a hollow way at that reaction, shook his head and exhaled, defeated. “But now I know better. Maybe I was a fool for believing you were capable of any grace. At least I have one consolation, because I know you will end up alone, someday,” he said, and it was the first time Hisoka could hear a hint of cruelty in his voice. “You can keep playing your game like only you know the rules, but you're the true idiot, Hisoka. Ties may be severed, but they are never forgotten. This will all come back to you in one way or another. And then, maybe, you'll understand.” Hisoka slightly pursed his lips, and said nothing, still. “I hope it will tear you apart.” Chrollo left.

And that was that.

Hisoka waited until he heard his apartment door click shut and then didn't waste any time to prepare for his next stream, pushing every other thought and emotion away. He still had an orgasm to get out of his system, after all. Hell, a few, after this long of a waiting time, and he was sure as hell going to monetise it.

He couldn't believe he had wasted half a year on celibacy (aside from his toys) to be let down by lukewarm, unsatisfying vanilla sex and someone to tell him he had issues. That was fucking rich, coming from the one who caught feelings in the first place and lost his ability to keep a hard-on for more than three minutes over that. Once again, Hisoka had to take matters into his own, god-damn hands.

He updated his status, showing himself in nothing but the sweater he had thrown on, naked thighs on display, cheeks a little flushed from what he thought was the sex. It was only when he studied the selfies closely he realised he looked angry and stressed, so he took a few more until his performance persona took over and he was satisfied with his own facial expression, frustration successfully replaced with seduction.

So he had been wrong about Chrollo, okay. It wasn't a big deal. That didn't mean Hisoka had lost his touch. Maybe he had to be a little more straight-forward to get what he wanted, fish in other lakes, so to speak. As it turned out, the campus was full of hopeless-romantics and prudes, but he had a whole assortment of loyal viewers at his fingertips. So, feeling equally stubborn and cheeky, he posted:

Flush_Of_Hearts: Single again~ only a sugar-daddy could mend my broken heart, so get your applications ready. ♥ stream in 20.

-

Hisoka was set on treating himself tonight. He started the stream by unboxing several toys fans had sent to his p.o. box over the course of months, settled on the biggest, pinkest dragon dildo he could find (it even had vibration and thrust settings), and went to town on himself. He had earned it. As usual, he made a show of falling apart under his own rapture while feeding his audience stories about how no one had ever managed to fuck him the right way.

With the sugar-daddy theme of this particular stream, his viewers were all but competing about winning his favour, taking the little prompt quite seriously. The tips were particularly high today too, but one user was notably, unusually silent.

PinsAndNeedles301 was quiet throughout the stream, not sending their regular donations despite being online. Hisoka was too distracted to care too much about that, the dragon rubbing over all the right spots inside with its intense, rhythmic pulsing, and he threw his head back as he came. Feeling particularly needy tonight, and wanting to wipe his mind clean of every lingering emotion, he deliberately overstimulated himself to a point where pain and pleasure started to mingle, until a second orgasm rocketed through his shivering body and tears pricked at the corners of his eyes.

Completely spent, and momentarily in a much better mood because of the utter blankness the climax left him with, Hisoka sank back a little, and slowly, carefully eased the toy out of his aching body. The wet, lewd sound of it made even him blush, a little.

For some inexplicable reason he felt a lot more exhausted than usual. As soon as the high of his orgasm faded, Chrollo's words came back with full force.

You will end up alone. This will all come back to you in one way or another. And then, maybe, you'll understand. I hope it will tear you apart.

So ridiculous and dramatic. He could have anyone he wanted. His gaze fell onto the bed, the many opened boxes of toys, sent by people he didn't know, littering the space of his empty room, his equipment and the laptop screen showing his still running livestream.

Shit, the livestream.

He quickly swallowed the lump in his throat – hoping the silence and aimless wander of his eyes hadn't taken up too much time – and thanked his audience with a big, perfectly performed smile and a suggestive wink, He finished by saying how much he looked forward to receiving actual applications for the very vacant and very real sugar-daddy position, and then quickly logged off.

A few minutes later, under the shower, he stared at the tiles and reached over to obtain his favourite body scrub.

The memory of his ex-boyfriend's sad eyes and his unusually cruel voice were a dead weight in his stomach, and the fact that he felt even the tiniest bit affected by it made Hisoka angry. He didn't want to think about it at all. There was no point.

It wasn't his fault no one felt obligated to rise to the occasion and give him what he wanted, no, deserved. If he could do it by himself, others should be able to do it, too – hell, he could provide a step-by-step guide if needed. Was it such an intimidating thought to have a partner who knew exactly what he wanted? What the fuck was everyone's problem?

It wasn't like he made a secret of the things he craved, the ways he wanted to be taken, and it wasn't witchcraft. And he put some real effort into being absolutely irresistible, too, a trophy to be shown around with pride, and without any strings attached. He was right here, absolutely gorgeous every single day of the year, people were just too stupid to see that.

Smelling clean and warm, with his dinner in hand, he later came back to his bed to find a new message in his inbox.

[Just now]

PinsAndNeedles301: Good evening. Thank you for the stream.

Hisoka sat down, still towelling his hair off. How oddly short the message was this time, compared to the previous ones. Usually, they would write more than that. Maybe they hadn't liked the stream? Hisoka typed.

Flush_Of_Hearts: Hello there. ♥ I was starting to wonder if you were there today, you were so silent.

The response came almost immediately.

PinsAndNeedles301: My apologies, I was lost in thought. You looked quite rough today. Tired, in a sense. Like you weren't enjoying yourself as much as usual. I was wondering if you were alright, with the breakup and all.

So it had been noticeable, huh? Shit. Judging from the overall donations, at least no other viewer had spotted him having his little moment. Hisoka considered being honest for a second, but then decided to stick to his charming stream persona.

Flush_Of_Hearts: Oh my, what a gentleman you are. ♥ you have no need to worry. I'm okay. I hope me looking tired didn't dull your enjoyment.

PinsAndNeedles301: It did not. May I ask you something?

Flush_Of_Hearts: By all means, go ahead. （＾－＾）

PinsAndNeedles301: How serious were you about the sugar-daddy application?

Hisoka stopped chewing the bite of the sandwich he had just taken. He considered his next words carefully, not wanting to scare off his most loyal viewer. Or their donations.

Flush_Of_Hearts: Oh! I didn't expect anyone to take it seriously, it was half a joke.

PinsAndNeedles301: I see. What a shame. I would have liked to fill that position.

Hisoka blinked. Come again?

Flush_Of_Hearts: Wait, are you serious?

PinsAndNeedles301: Yes.

Hisoka's pulse quickened as his fingers hovered above the keyboard, unmoving. Before he could make up his mind, another message popped up.

PinsAndNeedles301: I would love to offer you more, besides the usual donations of course. I admire your work, as I'm sure you already know.

Yes, Hisoka knew. The user had been watching his streams for over two years now. Still, they had never made advances on him like that, usually sticking to compliments about their favourite details of the stream. Now was definitely different from that. Hisoka read and reread the messages. His fingers twitched a few times – Why was he so nervous? – before he quickly typed out:

Flush_Of_Hearts: What more would you want to offer me?

PinsAndNeedles301: Let's see.

PinsAndNeedles301: A studio, for a start, maybe attached to a nice apartment. More equipment, too, and toys. Anything you might need, anything you would be comfortable accepting from me.

Hisoka's head was swimming with the image of becoming the spoiled sugar-baby he'd always dreamed of being, and it was like a higher force had heard his thoughts from earlier, but he wasn't that naïve. Everything that seemed too good to be true was attached to a price, always. So, what was the catch? He hoped he was not talking to an axe-murderer. … On second thought, that would be kind of hot. Maybe he had a few issues, after all. Focus, Hisoka.

Flush_Of_Hearts: Hypothetically speaking, if I was contemplating accepting your offer, what would you want in return?

PinsAndNeedles301: :)

Hisoka's heart skipped a beat.

PinsAndNeedles301: Judging from my usual donations, don't you think you know the answer already? I simply enjoy your work, and I want you to continue with it.

Now, Hisoka was definitely suspicious. Suspicious and intrigued. This user had given him nothing but a steady flow of compliments and money over a long period of time without ever demanding anything back. Maybe it was their kink. Hisoka chewed his lip. Receiving something in return didn't seem to be a concern of theirs, however... Hisoka found himself wanting to give something back, if only because it would in turn make him get more.

Flush_Of_Hearts: You wouldn't want anything else?

PinsAndNeedles301: Are you offering something else?

Ah, his little game had already been caught. How refreshing to have someone catch up so quickly.

Flush_Of_Hearts: I could give you exclusive, private content.

PinsAndNeedles301: No, I want you to be seen. I know how much you enjoy it.

The striking contrast to the words Hisoka had heard earlier this evening momentarily made him forget how to breathe. Despite no one being in the room with him, no one actually talking to him, he felt his cheeks grow hot. His fingers danced over the keyboard quicker now, eager to keep the conversation going.

Flush_Of_Hearts: Maybe we can find something we both want?

The message was read, and then, for a solid minute, nothing happened. Hisoka's eyes were still glued to the screen. Suddenly, the indication that the other was typing appeared again, and shortly after:

PinsAndNeedles301: I have an idea.

Oh?

PinsAndNeedles301: There is a way you can give me exclusive content while still being seen.

As Hisoka tried to make sense of the cryptic suggestion, not fully understanding, the next paragraph already appeared in his inbox.

PinsAndNeedles301: If it's alright with you, I would like to send you my contact information, and you can message or call me whenever you want. I think discussing this via a call (or even in person) would be preferable. What do you think?

The evening was taking an interesting turn for sure. But Hisoka sure as hell was curious to find out where this particular road might lead him. The sweet embrace of safety had always bored him, but this? Oh boy, he was already down for whatever this crazy opportunity had in store for him.

Taking a deep breath, Hisoka slightly pursed his lips and then slowly typed, caution thrown to the wind:

Flush_Of_Hearts: Let's do it. ♥

Chapter Text

It had been two days since his break-up, his last stream, and the promising offer from PinsAndNeedles301. Such an eventful evening in retrospect. And he would have called sooner – because as much as he loved teasing, doing it to someone who wanted to give him everything wasn't that smart of a move, he knew – but he had been busy with university projects, so time had all but flown by, and when he had managed to drag himself back into his apartment way past midnight, he had deemed it quite tactless to contact his generous sponsor. See? He could be polite if he wanted to.

Now, Hisoka checked and re-checked the number he'd just entered into his phone. He gave the info he'd received another once over, even though he was already positive every digit was correct (he'd just copied and pasted it, after all). The excitement made his fingers tingle. Hisoka took a deep breath and pressed the button to dial. As the first tone came he realised that he didn't know what the hell he would say. He didn't even know PinsAndNeedles301's legal name. And vice versa. How would they know-

Click.

“Zoldyck Real Estate and Property Services, Illumi speaking. How may I help you?”

Hisoka blinked. A real estate agency?

“Oh, hello. I think I misdialed, I must have been given the wrong number.” There was a beat of silence on the other end before he heard a slight chuckle.

“You have the right number.” The slip from customer service voice to actual voice was staggering. 

All of a sudden, it was rich and smooth, instantly stealing his breath away. It also sounded way younger than Hisoka had imagined – he could immediately rule out the old geezer theory. There was a softness, and simultaneously such a firmness to it that felt addicting from the get-go. He felt his dick jump. Unconsciously, Hisoka swallowed. Then he did his best to put on his stream persona's voice; playful, cocksure.

“For a moment there I thought you'd set me up, Mister.”

“I wouldn't dare. And I'm very pleased that you decided to call me.” Hisoka couldn't believe the person – Illumi; what an odd name – actually talked in the exact same way he typed. He grinned to himself. The other continued, “Now that you know my name, would you like to give me yours? Calling you Flush_Of_Hearts all the time would be quite strange, despite it being an exceedingly nice and fitting name.”

Even if he wasn't currently getting hot and bothered over the sheer thought of that beautiful voice pronouncing his real name, Hisoka wouldn't have hesitated, so he said, tone light, “It's Hisoka.”

“Hisoka...” There was another moment of silence, long enough for him to notice how his heartbeat picked up. Yes, he could get used to that man rolling around his name on his tongue like a piece of candy. “Mhm. It suits you.” Illumi decided, as if allowing Hisoka to keep his name.

“Glad you like it~”

“I really do. So. I take it you have given my proposal some thought?”

“I have~ And I would like to take you up on your offer.” He heard a pleased hum on the other end of the line, the tone so deep yet still somehow casual, he found himself shivering from it. Damn. They weren't even in the same room yet. Why was he so worked up already? Maybe Chrollo had just left a void he was dying to get filled. In every sense of the word.

“How nice. Would you like to discuss the details over the phone or prefer a meet-up?” Hisoka ran a hand along his nape and down the side of his neck, feeling hot again. There was no way he could pass this up, run-in with a potential kidnapper or axe-murderer be damned.

“I would very much like to meet you. But I don't even know if you live close by.”

“It doesn't matter. I'm quite mobile, and I travel a lot anyways, so even a larger distance shouldn't be an obstacle.”

Hisoka giggled. “You sound eager.”

“I am.” Oh. He hadn't expected such a straight-forward answer. He was at a loss for words for a brief moment.

“Hmm... isn't that nice?” he purred. “Let's see then.” He balanced the phone between his ear and shoulder and typed Zoldyck Real Estate and Property Services into the next available search engine on his laptop. A short second later he blinked in surprise. “Oh,” he said out loud.

“Yes?” God that voice was already driving him insane.

“Are you with the principal office of your company?”

“Most of the time, yes.”

“Then we're in the same city.” Hisoka didn't try to keep the sound of his broad grin out of his voice. He couldn't believe his luck. He heard another pleased hum and was sure the other one was smiling as well.

“How convenient. May I suggest a meeting place then?”

“By all means.”

“I'll send the information to the number you called me with, is that alright?”

“Yes.” Hisoka heard faint typing in the background before his phone vibrated. He peeked at the screen for a moment and saw the name of the suggested establishment. Java Club Coffee House. He'd passed it on his strolls through the city centre before but never gone inside – one cup of coffee there cost way too much for a university student like him to afford, even with the generous tips at his disposal. Believe it or not, most of those were used up for tuition fees and rent. And yeah sure, maybe a bunch of luxury brand makeup products as well as designer pieces every now and then when he needed some retail therapy. Anyway-- Overpriced coffee was the real villain here.

Then again, he was talking to his potential sugar-daddy, so he probably didn't have to worry about money this time around. Better make sure. “Ooh, fancy~ Your treat I presume?”

“Of course.” Hell yeah. “Can you be there tomorrow at eight?” Hisoka blinked.

“Eight a.m.?”

“Is there a problem?”

“No,” Hisoka lied, not wanting to admit how much time he spent on primping each and every day. Clearly one of them had never had to put on makeup or deal with curly hair before. Reaching that destination would take him almost an hour of commute time, too, using public transport. But he didn't want to rub that fact in. The man on the other end of the line potentially wanted to spoil the hell out of him – even more than he already did – and he wasn't going to let that slip from his fingers just because he had to get up at four in the morning once.

He hummed, thoughtful, and opened his mouth to respond, but Illumi beat him to whatever he was about to say. “Ah. You're worrying about your looks, correct?”

Hisoka's mouth stayed open for a good second longer before he chuckled. “Seems like I'm too easy to read. That's a first.” And without seeing his face. Impressive.

Now it was Illumi's turn to contemplate for a while, but contrary to Hisoka, he pondered aloud, “Hmm. A part of me wants to offer a more reasonable time, another part just wants to see you barefaced.”

Yeah, that won't happen anytime soon, no matter how much money you throw at me, Mister, Hisoka thought to himself. He tried to translate the sentiment into a more polite choice of words, but once again, Illumi continued his train of thought before Hisoka could voice his own. “Would it help if I paid for a taxi?”

“Mhm, that would help indeed, thank you~ “ How nice he didn't have to annoyingly say every little thing out loud. He liked the attention to his needs, as well as the undeniable willingness to make things more comfortable for him. Finally someone who was plainly aware of the fact that it was what he deserved. So, with everything bent towards his wishes, Hisoka was inclined to a compromise, too. Feeling generous, he said, “Tomorrow at eight it is, then.”

“Perfect. Until then. Goodbye, Hisoka.” Ah, the way Illumi said his name was growing on him.

“Bye-bye, Illumi~” Hisoka crooned. Another soft chuckle, and then the other man hung up.

Oh, this was going to be fun.

-

Ugh, this wasn't fun so far. True to the spoiled princess embedded in the deepest parts of his mind and soul, rarely anything pissed Hisoka off more than having to get up early, and cutting his beauty sleep short in the process. Damn hustle-culture. 

The taxi offer had bought him roughly an hour of extra rest, but he preferred to sleep in whenever classes weren't preventing him from doing so. He inspected his reflection in the mirror, the “It's still way too god-damn early” very visible in his tired eyes and sour expression. He washed his face, brushed and flossed his teeth, and then massaged along his features with a rose quartz roller, feeling a little bit fresher already. A few eye-drops couldn't hurt either.

Lucky for him, his skin care routine was impeccable and his entire appearance much more maintained than the average person's, so even on days where he had pulled an all-nighter, people usually couldn't tell from looking at him how dead-tired he was behind his beautiful facade. Illumi probably wouldn't notice a difference either. He had only ever seen him on a screen before anyway. And yet--

You looked quite rough today. Tired, in a sense.

He would make damn sure that never happened again. Hisoka decided to go for a nude makeup look, to lead his date to believe he was in for a special treat. And he was, in a sense, even though maybe not in a way that he wanted to. Not many people realised that nude looks were way harder to pull off than full glam. Illumi had expressed the wish to see him barefaced, after all, and while that definitely wasn't in the cards for him, Hisoka was quite good at making a full coverage foundation look fresh and natural, like he had just thrown on some moisturiser and mascara and called it a day, and not painstakingly enhanced his best features with clever use of contour and highlighter products. No one would suspect the freckles that lurked underneath, and he intended to keep it that way.

Over two hours later he was satisfied with his makeup and hair, and rummaged through his wardrobe. He had laid out an outfit the night before, but it didn't fit his mood anymore, so he needed an alternative. Everything had to be perfect. His phone's alarm reminded him that the taxi would be here in less than twenty minutes. God, this world really wouldn't let him catch a break.

He threw on a billowy, backless top with wide, long sleeves – buttoned tightly at the wrists. A well-tried first date look, that was playful enough to be sexy, and easy enough to slip off without ruining his hair and makeup if things took a fun turn, but still conservative enough from the front to be worn in more casual spaces during daytime. In the back though... It framed his shoulder blades and the curve of his spine beautifully and had led more than a few people to come running after him. Even the ones who had second thoughts while talking to him couldn't resist him anymore when he walked away wearing that top. He shuffled into his favourite pair of tight pants to go with it, added a few signature accessories and colourful heels – and he was ready to go.

The taxi driver openly ogled him through the rear view mirror, and while it did provide Hisoka with a great deal of extra confidence as well as validation that he had done a fantastic job with his look today, he gave the man the silent treatment and cold shoulder after telling him the destination address. He never wasted any time on people he didn't deem attractive.

Watching the buildings and streets pass by, he briefly wondered if he would have to make an exception when it came to Illumi. He still didn't know what the man looked like. For all he knew he could be butt-ugly. Well, he would find a polite way to weasel his way out of it if his potential sugar-daddy was too ugly for him to get into it, and suddenly wanted more than just spoil the hell out of him with material things; and still manage to secure that last part for himself. Hisoka hadn't said yes to anything physical. However, Illumi still hadn't told him what his cryptic offer had been about.

There is a way you can give me exclusive content while still being seen.

It sure as hell sounded like something sexual. But then again, that was Hisoka's first association with most things, and it wasn't like he had a problem with that. A person who matched him in beauty was important to him, but someone who could deliver sexually clearly took the priority – otherwise what good was the attractive exterior? Chrollo would know. Hisoka laughed to himself in the backseat, making the taxi driver peek over again.

-

Upon entering the coffee shop, Hisoka looked around. Quite a few people were looking his way, but that wasn't anything unusual, him being tall and outrageously handsome and all. Yet no one beckoned him closer or had a look of recognition on their face. Just the usual: wide eyes, flushed cheeks. Boring.

He checked his phone, nothing. Hm. He typed out a message.

Hisoka, 08:02 a.m.: I'm here~ Where are you hiding?

It took a second before his phone buzzed.

Illumi, 08:03 a.m.: good morning please go ahead and treat yourself to a drink and take a seat I will be with you in a minute excuse me for being late I underestimated the traffic

Hm. Hisoka pouted, tempted to count tardiness as a first minus point. He had managed to be punctual, and he was sure he had a lot more to do than Mister Real Estate in terms of getting ready. Hisoka reread the message. Well. At least he was polite about it. The lack of punctuation led Hisoka to believe he had used text-to-speech, and was probably already driving.

Hisoka, 08:05 a.m.: Okay~ I will be waiting for you. ♥

Read: Don't make me wait.

A few minutes later, sitting by a window with a big cup of steaming hot mocha on the tastefully low hardwood table in front of him, Hisoka watched the busy street outside. Everyone was rushing to their jobs, looking equally high-strung, stressed and tired. Poor bastards. He swore to never become one of those people. If today worked out, there was a high chance he would be lucky enough to not have to.

He gave everyone who entered the café a cursory glance, but so far they had all just ordered their drinks and either rushed out again or taken a seat elsewhere.

Not the most patient person to exist, Hisoka had to remind himself to not go diva mode and walk out, breaking this whole thing off before it even started, when suddenly, a sleek black Mercedes parked outside, clearly hasty but with impressive precision. Angry honking from the person they'd just cut off from taking the parking space for themselves apparently landed on deaf ears. Hisoka raised his brows.

A tall young man with perfectly straight, long black hair emerged and ignored the angrily cussing driver who flipped him off through a rolled-down window before speeding off. The parking meter received the same treatment – not even a single glance. With the fees in this area, and traffic wardens patrolling like hawks, only a rich person would so shamelessly brush off something like that. If the car and the designer suit weren't already a dead giveaway. As the young man turned, Hisoka's breath hitched a little. He had a face to die for.

No way. No way he was going to be this lucky.

Similar to when he had entered, more than a few heads turned as this man breached the threshold and approached the counter to order his drink. He didn't look at the barista while doing so, instead casting a glance across the entire café, making it clear that his current priority lay elsewhere.

And then his gaze locked onto Hisoka, unmistakable recognition in his dark eyes.

He smiled.

Everything else seemed to come to a halt and Hisoka momentarily forgot how to breathe. He still played it cool –  of course – and shot a cheeky grin back, like his heart wasn't currently beating out of his chest. He did an elegant little wave with his fingers only.

The simple gesture seemed to do something, because Illumi didn't wait for his drink after paying, he simply said another thing to the barista and then approached the table right away.

“Good morning.” His voice was even more sensual in real life. Hisoka was sure he was going to die. “Thank you for your patience. I'm terribly sorry for having made you wait.”

Whatever you say, you beautiful man.

Forget about being late. He'd even forgive him murder with a face like this. Hisoka gave his best smile, his pearly white canines on display, and he tilted his head playfully.

“Good morning indeed~ It was clearly worth the wait. How nice to have a face to the name.” He dragged an appreciative stare along Illumi's form, not trying to hide his desire. “Why didn't you tell me you look like the man of my dreams?”

There was this short, barely audible chuckle again he'd heard over the phone the evening before. Hisoka was surprised by the fact that despite sounding so alive, it did little to change the man's expression.

“We'll see about that.”

In one smooth motion, Illumi sat down across from him, and took a long moment to just... take him in. It was open adoration, no, almost worship through his eyes alone. Off to a perfect start. If there was one way to instantly get a green flag from Hisoka, then it was to appreciate his get-up.

He crossed his legs, deliberately slow, and leaned back, so the soft fabric of his top would show off the planes of his chest. Might as well give him a little treat. He rested his cheek on his hand, elegant fingers supporting his jaw and sharp cheekbone, smiling amused.

Similar to his almost-already-forgotten ex, Illumi didn't seem flustered or nervous around him, which immediately spurred a comparable desire to pull that particular reaction from him, but Hisoka was surprised to find that he didn't mind the composure all too much this time.

There was clearly an intention behind the impenetrable darkness of the eyes currently looking at him, one that made heat stir low in Hisoka's belly. From the get-go it was very clear how much the man sitting across from him wanted him. And that was the key difference.

He used the beat of silence to take the other one in as well, in detail this time, checking all of the most crucial points first.

Clean, manicured nails. Beautiful hands. The smoothest-looking skin Hisoka had ever seen on a man, aside from himself of course. Maintained brows. Shiny, healthy, thick hair. Toned body, from what he could tell. Remarkably black eyes, embedded in a face that looked a lot softer than he had expected. Not that he minded. He dared to stare openly at the tempting lips for a second, and let a pleasing smile stretch across his own. He even smelled good. A full score so far. Not bad.

“You look nice.” Illumi said the exact moment at which Hisoka had finished his assessment, and it was such an utterly blunt and bland compliment, yet somehow delivered with raw honesty, Hisoka couldn't help but laugh.

“Thank you,” he said, voice a melodic tone. Illumi still eyed him closely.

“My pleasure.” It felt like they had been seeing each other for years, a familiarity to this conversation that felt comfortable yet did nothing to diminish Hisoka's excitement and desire.

The waiter brought Illumi's drink – and Hisoka found himself blinking at the amount of heavy cream dusted with cocoa powder and artistic little chocolate leaves towering on top. Someone had a sweet tooth, it seemed. Next to it, the waiter set down a tiny glass of espresso.

Hisoka greatly believed in every gesture, every habit of a person saying a lot about them. What did this certain set-up say about Illumi? One for efficiency, one as a treat, Hisoka concluded. A polite, insanely rich and good-looking young man who knew how to balance out fun and business. This was getting better and better.

When they were alone again, Illumi picked up the espresso first and said, “I would like to discuss my offer.” First business, then play, hm?

“You and me both. I'm dying to know what you meant.”

“Before I do, I want to make it very clear that I will continue my support of your work no matter what your answer will be. I am set on providing for you financially. Everything beyond that point is negotiable, so please don't feel obligated to say yes.”

Hisoka laughed and lifted his own mug to his lips. “Don't be so nervous, Illumi. Go ahead and ask.”

“I would like to watch one of your streams, in person, from behind the camera.”

Oh. How... disappointing.

Things had truly been going too perfectly up until now. Did he have another vanilla man on his hands? Was this the eternal catch of his life? How cruel.

Ah well, a gorgeous man watching him wasn't the worst thing in the world. Hisoka kept a polite smile and took a sip from his excellent, overpriced drink.

“That's all?”

There was a brief pause, before Illumi said, “In all honesty, not quite. I just wanted to test the waters first, to see what you were comfortable with.”

Oh? Hisoka lifted a brow and smirked. “You haven't even breached the waters yet, darling. Go on.”

Illumi folded his hands and rested his chin upon them, and waited for Hisoka to finish drinking, before he continued, tone still casual and neutral, “I had a session in mind. I want to direct the stream I'm watching, as your dom. You would take my requests, and my requests only. And I want to tie you up.”

Now we're talking.

Goodbye vanilla cruelty, hello kinky adventure! Despite his inner glee over that lovely revelation – his prayers had finally been answered – Hisoka still made a show of contemplating the offer, humming softly. He took another long sip for good measure. The black eyes regarded him with patience while he did so, no trace of doubt or insecurity visible in them. He liked a confident man. Finally, Hisoka set the mug back down.

“Tying me up, hm? Are we talking handcuffs or shibari?”

“Shibari. I have more than five years of experience in that regard, if that’s a concern of yours.”

“How lovely~ Then I have no problem agreeing to that. It's been a while since someone did that with me.”

“Mm. Good,” came the levelled reply.

By now, Hisoka had caught on to the fact that Illumi's facial expressions were quite limited, but he still tried to find clues on what the other man thought of his agreement. It was harder than expected, but he would get the hang of it eventually, he was sure. Maybe a little extra nudge would help. “And you'd only want to do this once?” Now, a small smile tugged at the corner of the other man's mouth.

“It depends on how our first collaboration goes.”

“That's fair.”

So this would be their trial run, hm? Hisoka would make sure to bring it, then, and Illumi better delivered, too. He couldn't remember the last time he'd wanted something so badly like he wanted the man sitting in front of him right now. He'd better not disappoint. “Let's give it a try then~”

“There are still some points I would like to discuss beforehand.”

“Oh?” A true businessman, huh?

“Yes. I want it to go smoothly. So...” Illumi looked directly at him, so completely unafraid and in control that Hisoka once again had trouble breathing. And a true dom, I suppose. He suppressed a shiver. “I'm positive I know quite a lot about your kinks from watching your streams and listening to your narration, and I am confident I can deliver on those. So I want you to tell me about your no-gos instead.”

Not many people had asked him that before, although quite a few had found out sooner or later. Too late in all of the cases, really. This man had done his homework, and while Hisoka wasn't all too keen on playing with open cards, he understood the necessity of it for rope play.

“The list is quite short,” Hisoka chuckled lightly, “First, I don't like being called 'good boy'. Loathe it, really. And I won't call you daddy. Any other names or titles are fine.” Illumi nodded and then lifted one of his fine brows, wordlessly inviting Hisoka to continue his list. “Second, no lasting marks on my face. It’s the moneymaker. And no cum on it either, at least not without a heads-up.”

He thought he saw an amused glint in Illumi's eye for a second, but he couldn't place why. “That won't be an issue,” the other man said, simply, as if Hisoka was supposed to understand all the implied subtext from that alone. Well. He would get back to that later. For now he went on.

“Last but not least... absolutely no romantic feelings involved, like, hard no.” He didn't need another Chrollo incident. The sex would be enough – if it was good – and he was not about to make googly eyes at someone for god knows how long just to get some sugar-daddy money. Way too much work. He had standards.

Illumi nodded, tone and face neutral. “I understand.” He seemed to ponder over something, looking out of the window. After a while, he said, “So, slapping is on the table, as long as there are no lasting marks?”

“Mrm~ yes.” He would let those hands do almost anything to him.

“And marking your body below the neckline is okay?”

“I'm not a fan of scars but I don't mind a pretty bruise.”

“I see.” Illumi briefly covered his mouth in thought, pulling his fingers back over his lips, before resting his head on his palm. “What about hair-pulling? Choking? Blind-folding? Gagging? Whipping? Spanking? Making you cry? Any other soft or hard limits among those?” Illumi seemed to have more than a few ideas. Music to Hisoka's ears. They all made his mouth water.

He grinned. “That's all fine. It's only just the things I mentioned before.” Not that he had done all of that before, but he was down to try, and the other one didn’t need to know the exact extent of his experience, right? Where would be the fun in that?

Illumi stared at him for a long while, in a way Hisoka interpreted as surprised but pleased, and then nodded.

Hisoka picked up the word again. “What about you? Any limits I should know about?”

“Ah, yes. There is just one.” Illumi scooped up a spoonful of whipped cream and gave it a taste, his eyes going round for a second. Another one immediately followed. Cute. “I don't want you to touch me without my explicit permission, ever.”

Hisoka's glee came to a full stop. Even his smile faltered a little. “Pardon?” Illumi fixed him with a blank stare.

“You will ask permission before touching me, no matter how miniscule the touch might seem to you,” he calmly repeated, “Without exception.”

Hisoka was stunned silent for a second, realising with a sudden force that they hadn't even shaken hands. Calling him handsy would be the understatement of the century. And asking for permission had never been his strong suit. Plus, having to receive permission implied that he could also be denied at any point. Ugh, how troublesome.

But there was an even more disquieting thought. “What about the other way around?” Please tell me you'll touch me. It was absolutely necessary for him to feel wanted.

There was a spark in those eyes again, a dark promise, followed by another near-silent laugh upon catching his look, and Hisoka barely kept from shivering, feeling see-through all of a sudden. He hadn't sounded desperate just now, had he? 

“Don't worry. I enjoy giving a lot more than receiving, is all.” Oh, good. False alarm, then. Still...

“Are you... by any chance asexual?”

Illumi made a sound of recognition, nibbling on a chocolate leaf. “I'm still looking for a term that feels like it fits me, but from what I've read about it, I think it's fair to say I fall under the general umbrella of that spectrum, yes.”

“I see.”

Hisoka couldn't relate. Asexuality was maybe the farthest thing from his own preferences. And it would probably take him a while to figure out what Illumi was comfortable with, and what was completely off the table. Especially with how the spectrum ranged from completely sex- and touch-repulsed to enjoying sex and simply not feeling any attraction in that regard. Hisoka quietly hoped for the latter.

But he definitely needed to get to the bottom of that, better sooner than later – because he found himself immeasurably attracted to the man in front of him already, and he needed that reciprocated in some way. While he was in dire need of someone wiping the uncomfortable memories of the past six months from his mind and body, he still wasn't big on the idea of compromising any of his needs. Or being the only needy one.

Curiosity spiked, Hisoka pressed further. “Is that why the whole 'cum on the face' thing won't be a problem?” Illumi licked the spoon clean of another portion of cream and then lifted the mug.

“That's not the reason. I'm trans is why.” Hisoka blinked. “No penis,” Illumi clarified, unnecessarily. He took a sip, holding Hisoka's gaze.

“Ohhh,” was all Hisoka managed to say initially. Well, that was a surprise. After a second of consideration, he smirked. “That doesn't necessarily mean you can't cum on my face, though.”

Behind the rim of the pristine white mug, Illumi lips curled into a small smile, something Hisoka quickly found himself wanting to see more of. “I suppose that's true.”

Illumi wouldn't be the first trans man Hisoka had been involved with, and he knew for a fact that a collection of strap-ons could sure as hell be a lot more fun than a single, boring cock attached to an unskilled cis man. So in that regard, Hisoka was sure he wouldn't miss out on anything. As far as he was concerned, having a dick was a state of mind more than anything. And besides that, Illumi's proposition about tying him up from earlier – along with the promising catalogue of other options – gained more colour and detail with each passing second. He was definitely on board with that.

“Tell me about your kinks, Illumi.”

Dark eyes blinked up at him, expression unreadable. “I'm big on dominance and control. I enjoy watching people fall apart. And I love bringing them to that point and beyond.” Jackpot.

Hisoka found himself grinning again, so much that his cheeks started hurting from it. “I'm curious what you have in store for me.” Here he was, sitting across this stunning man who not only wanted to spoil him rotten with material things, but who had also made it fairly clear he was willing to join his stream and provide for him sexually. Maybe even on a regular basis. Christmas came early this year. Without further ado, Hisoka chirped, “When do we start?”

-

Normally, clashing schedules didn't bother Hisoka much. It was something that ensured a lot of alone time he needed in between sexual escapades other people were unfortunately necessary for. He usually only ever ventured out into social spaces to get his fill, and then returned to his nest of blissful solitude until his body was hungry for something other than his toys and hands, hungry enough to deal with other people's antics again.

This time, however, he found himself cursing the fact just how packed Illumi's schedule was – well, that money didn't make itself, he mused. But now, finally, after almost two long weeks of waiting, the evening they were both free on had come. Just in due time, because Hisoka was starving.

Illumi had insisted on calling a few times in the meantime, discussing further details like safewords – both verbal and nonverbal – as well as some other rules – no using his real name in the stream, naturally – and general questions about the location, equipment and toys – mainly what Hisoka already had and what still needed to be purchased. Illumi had even offered to rent a studio space for them to use, but Hisoka had said it was more than fine to have him over. Come on, the little element of danger was thrilling, and true to his previous words, Illumi had already sent Hisoka a ton of condo ads he would like to gift him with, so he would know where he was living sooner or later anyways.

While the whole safety aspect of their discussions had greatly bored him, every conversation had shown Hisoka he finally had someone with enough experience on his hands – and it had left him wanting more, increasing his impatience for tonight's stream. His last few solo streams had been accordingly intense, because now he once again had a beautiful face and voice to fuel his fantasies, and his audience was loving all of it. He had done a good job riling them up, hinting at how excited he was for that special night with his new streaming partner.

PinsAndNeedles-- Illumi's donations also hadn't faded in generosity, as promised. And despite texting Hisoka via his private phone on a daily basis, he still left the usual, personal thank you note on the streaming platform after every show. Hisoka already felt spoiled, and the promise of more to come had him daydreaming even during his classes.

Hisoka was touching up his lip gloss as the doorbell rang. He glanced at his phone. Overly punctual – clearly someone was excited. Giving his hair a final pluck, making sure he looked nothing short of delectable, he grinned and walked to the front door, opening it for his lovely guest.

“Good evening.” Illumi had his hair up in a high ponytail tonight, his clothes a little more casual but still unmistakably posh. The button-down had given way to a slim flit, soft-looking turtle neck, the dark green colour perfectly complimenting Illumi's olive skin tone; and the cropped suit jacket he wore over it pulled one's attention towards his athletic shoulders as well as his remarkably slim waist. Hisoka's appetite greatly appreciated the get-up. A man he would gladly kneel in front of. If he asked nicely.

Illumi was shouldering a travel bag, probably filled to the brim with fun. Time couldn’t pass quickly enough all of a sudden. Eager to get things going, Hisoka gave a pleasant smile and took a step aside.

“Welcome~ Please, come inside and make yourself at home.”

“Thank you.”

“You can keep your shoes on if you want.” If there was even a slim chance of those polished wing-tips pushing him down or lifting his chin later tonight, he was going to take it.

Illumi looked around. Hisoka was sure his apartment was way smaller than anything Illumi had ever found himself in, but he still took pride in his decoration skills. He had found a way to bring his style to life here and had successfully built his own little nest, so his living space was a myriad of creamy whites, bloody reds and hot pinks, as well as more than a few playful – yet in his eyes still tasteful – ornamentation elements.

As per usual, the dark-haired man's facial expression gave nothing away upon taking in the new surroundings. Hisoka had already prepared and brought some drinks to his bedroom slash studio space, so he made a beeline for said room. Illumi followed him, but stopped short at the threshold, as if about to enter a sacred space. Cute.

“Don’t be shy, come in.” 

“Thank you.” Illumi did. Similar to before, he looked around. His big, lightless eyes lingered on the bed, and equipment already set up in front of it, for a long moment, also taking in the assortment of toys and other helpful devices in a neat row on a side table. Evidently content with the set-up – or at least not complaining about it – he nodded to himself.

Then, finally, when he looked at Hisoka, there was a hint of an expression. With the only chair in the room being reserved for Illumi, Hisoka took a seat on the mattress, as Illumi opened his mouth to say, “I like the outfit you chose for tonight.” His voice was quiet but distinct. He took a step closer, a calm certainty to his movements that brought an anticipating grin to Hisoka's features. “May I?”

“Go ahead, I'm all yours.” Illumi extended a hand, his fingertips tracing the hem of the heart-shaped cut-out in Hisoka's top, that generously framed a great, naked expanse of his chest. “Self-made again?” Hisoka hummed in confirmation. Through the almost see-through fabric, Hisoka could feel the warmth of Illumi's hand. He craved more. As if in a trance, the black eyes followed the movement of the fingers and then, without ever truly touching Hisoka's skin, leaving him hungry beyond compare, Illumi withdrew his hand again. Tease.

“I have something for you.”

“Oh?” Hisoka breathed. He liked presents. Good ones at least.

“As a pointer for when the session will start. I would like to give it to you before we begin the stream.”

“Please.”

lllumi nodded and went over to retrieve something from his bag. When he came back, he presented Hisoka with the most luxurious collar he had ever seen. His lips parted and his eyes went wide.

This wasn't just any old thing you could get for a quick buck at your local sex-shop. The leather was soft to the touch and teal-coloured, embossed with a row of golden hearts, as well as a “Yes, Sir” to the left and right of the sturdy-looking ring in the front. There was even a lock in the back.

The overall picture was unmistakable: Illumi's colours – encompassing Hisoka's own aesthetic. The implication of being owned like this, being presented like a priced trophy filled Hisoka's mouth with saliva. Everyone would know at first glance. He ran his fingers along the object and smiled. How long had he been waiting for something like this?

“It's beautiful. Thank you, Illumi.” He couldn't remember the last time he hadn't had to act while saying this sentence.

“It's my pleasure.” Almost casually, Illumi pulled a tiny key from his chest pocket, and opened the lock, then the fastener. “Whenever you wear this, you're mine, and I expect you to obey.” His steady voice ripped Hisoka's gaze from the collar, and his golden eyes searched the black ones above, heat stirring low in his belly at the command. Mhm~ it sounded deliciously dangerous.

Hisoka licked his lips. “What are we waiting for, then?” Illumi gave a small smile and stepped closer.

“Chin up.” Hisoka tipped his head back a little. Illumi put the collar around his neck, and pulled it tight in just the right way, slipping one of his fingers under it to test if there was still enough room to breathe. Suddenly very aware of his own pulse, Hisoka heard the tiny lock click shut in the back, and took a deeper breath.

Once he was done, Illumi straightened and looked down at the other, his eyelids marginally lowering. While still having trouble with deciphering all of his other expressions, it took only a second for Hisoka to recognize that this was Illumi's way of leering. He took a step back, admiring his sub. Then he said, simply, “Start the stream.”

“Yes, yes~”

“What was that?” Hisoka was met with a warning stare.

“Yes, Sir.” Hisoka quickly corrected. He was to use Illumi's title when they were playing. They had discussed this at length during one of their calls. Now, Illumi nodded and took another step towards his bag, crouching down.

“Go on.” Hisoka shuffled more unto the middle of the bed, flipped on the ring light, tested his camera and mic, and pressed the according buttons before greeting his audience in his usual, bubbly way.

Of course his viewers were quick to point out the new accessory around his neck, so after the usual introduction, and with a big grin on his face, Hisoka added, “Tonight I can finally show you what I've been so excited about in the past few weeks. Some of you already guessed it. I have a special guest today and we're gonna have so much fun~ So, please, give PinsAndNeedles301 a warm welcome.”

As expected, the chat went wild. Illumi, who had been calmly winding up a red shibari rope behind the camera up until now, stood next to the bed and leaned into the frame. He gave a small wave. Similar to Hisoka during their first meeting, most viewers absolutely lost their minds over how beautiful the man was. Not only had it been quite a while since Hisoka had had a streaming partner, it was also the first time ever that said person was already known among his audience. Maybe even the first time his partner matched him in terms of good looks. They looked great next to each other, Hisoka decided.

“Thank you for having me.” Illumi gave a polite nod towards the camera, not even glancing at the chat. His eyes instead immediately flickered over to Hisoka, evidently done with pretending to care about the audience. Hisoka grinned and Illumi tilted his head minimally, opening his mouth, “Shall we begin?”

“Yes, Sir,” came the enthusiastic reply.

“Strip.” Oh my.

The single word made Hisoka inhale, and the collar in its tightness was once again brought to the forefront of his mind. While Hisoka did as he was asked, in his usual slow and sensual way, Illumi kept watching. He was standing just out of frame again, giving Hisoka room to do his thing.

While he kept flirting with the camera like always, today, out of the corner of his eyes, Hisoka was hyper-aware of how Illumi's eyes tracked his every move, his head slowly tilting this way and that, his self-restraint only marginally covering up the want that so obviously lay beneath. He was admiring every new inch of revealed skin, every defined curve of muscle.

Once Hisoka was completely bare, kneeling on the bed, he allowed himself to shoot his streaming partner a look. Illumi put the rope down on the bedding and then pulled lightless leather gloves onto his hands. He made a gesture for Hisoka to turn around, leaving the audience with a view of his profile and himself with Hisoka's back.

Illumi's voice was close to his ear when he spoke next. “Arms on your back.” Hisoka shivered and did as he was told. Gloves hands helped bending his arms and then, Illumi got to work. Quietly and precisely, and sensually slow, he tied up Hisoka's hands, then immobilised his arms, before ordering him to turn around and continuing to create a beautiful diamond pattern across his chest, even incorporating the ring of the collar in his ropework. With each new line he created, he traced his finger between the rope and the skin afterwards, to make sure he was not cutting off any circulation, especially in the arms and hands. The pressure was just enough to be on the edge of pain, enough to leave marks.

The first donations already came flooding in, but today, Hisoka's ears were almost deaf to them. Being tied up almost pulled him into a meditative state. He couldn't take his eyes off the other man. Every time Illumi leaned in to lead the rope around and across his back, every time his breath ghosted over his slowly flushing skin, Hisoka wanted nothing more than to be touched by him. His eyes fell half-closed.

A barely audible, needy noise passed his lips. Black eyes briefly snapped up to his face, before nonchalantly dipping down to the ropework again.

“You're so quiet today,” Illumi commented. “Don't tell me you're feeling shy all of a sudden?”

“I'm not.” Just impatient, he added in thought. Illumi finished the last knot and took in his handiwork. He made some slight adjustments here and there. At last, evidently satisfied, he nodded once, and then stepped away from the bed to take in the full picture. Hisoka spread his legs and gave him a cheeky grin.

Come on. I know how badly you want to get down to business. It was written on your face the second you set foot into my bedroom, little fanboy.

Illumi drew closer again, extended one hand and cradled Hisoka's chin for a second, before letting his fingertips dance over what was still exposed of his throat. “Lean back for me. Let me look at you.” Hisoka obliged, pushing his knees farther apart to keep his balance, flexing his abs. Illumi's gloved hand continued its journey down his torso, snaking along the ropes, tracing the defined line between his pecs, down his muscled ribs and belly, and to the v of his hips. Hisoka hummed, pleased with the gestures of worship, as Illumi's hand caressed the skin of his inner thigh – teasingly close to his cock.

Almost there...

And then, suddenly, the touch ceased. Hisoka blinked, as Illumi straightened and moved towards the neat assortment of toys waiting for him on the other side of the bed. Oh, alright. Right to the point, then. Quickly catching himself, Hisoka used the time-frame to have a good look at the shibari himself, while simultaneously showing it off to his viewers in its full glory. It looked perfect, hugging his form, drawing attention to all the right places of his body, semi-hard cock included.

“Mhh~ you did a wonderful job, thank you.”

“You're very welcome.” Illumi returned to his side and set down a deliciously curved and ribbed dildo on the mattress between Hisoka's spread thighs. Not taking off his gloves, he coated it in a generous amount of lube and then said, “Ride it until I tell you to stop.”

Having expected Illumi to put on a strap or at least finger him a bit, Hisoka shot a questioning look up to his dom's face. Black eyes stared back.

“What is it?”

Hisoka raised a brow and didn't move. He still had to wait? “I thought, you-”

“You thought you would get me to fuck you right away without having to put in any work? Don't be ridiculous. This is something to be earned, not requested. Time and time again, in all of your streams, you kept begging for it, to have someone have their way with you, so this is how it's going to be tonight. You will take what I'm giving you, and you will say thank you for it, understood?”

Hisoka felt his cheeks grow hot at the other's stern remarks. Illumi going from generous and worshipping to strict and degrading in a second flat left Hisoka confused. An unfamiliar feeling spread throughout his body. No one had ever talked to him like this. But fine, he could play along. Before he could think about his feelings too much, his mouth had already said “Yes, Sir.”

“And?”

“...Thank you, ” he gritted out, feeling humiliated.

“Good.”

Illumi left him to his own devices on the bed, taking a seat on the single chair against the far wall behind the camera. He crossed his legs and watched Hisoka, stare gone completely blank again. The stubbornness of the brat inside of Hisoka made his eyebrow twitch.

Oh, he was going to earn it alright. He would earn it so hard. As if the man who had practically devoured him with his ogling back at the coffee house could hold himself back for more than five minutes once Hisoka got his show going.

Making this current indifference crack immediately became his new goal, so he got to work. He was irresistible once he got his game on, and he knew it. So he shuffled forward, lifted his hips, and had to try quite a few times before getting the toy to actually breach his entrance – it was a lot harder to do without the use of his hands. But of course, he managed.

He sank down with a pornographic moan, the stretch an almost burning sensation because of the lack of preparation, which also forced him to go a lot slower than he usually would. The structure of the toy was no joke, neither was its size, and keeping his balance with his arms bound behind his back was a whole other challenge to begin with. The entire situation had him rock-hard within a minute flat. All that was missing was a gorgeous man to hold him down and spoil him. He inched deeper and deeper, the incoming donations spurring him on, until he was fully seated. A sheen of sweat was already coating his skin by the time he felt the base hit his ass.

He glanced over to his audience of one. Illumi had his chin propped up on his palm, his elbow on the armrest of the chair, and watched him with a stare that was somehow equally intense and utterly composed. Hisoka saw him press down on his phone, and a few seconds later, a new notification popped up on the screen in front of him.

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $150: You know what to do. Don't make me wait.

Ah, so he was getting impatient already, hm? This would be a piece of cake. 

“Yes, Sir...” he said, a slight tremor in his voice, and he lifted his hips again, rolling up and down the toy in a few tentative strokes before setting a rhythm that was manageable for him to do. He kept the show going for quite a few minutes, and despite him slowly getting used to the overall sensations the toy provided, the slight pain hadn't ceased, and it was sure to bring him to his climax in due time. He re-angled his hips, the knobs now pressing against his prostate whenever he moved, and his moans became messier and louder with it.

The other sensations were slowly making him lose his mind as well – the collar turned his racing pulse into an intense pulsing that spread throughout his body and made his head swim. The ropes across his torso felt like a tight embrace whenever he drew his breaths, like an unrelenting force holding him in place.

Soon, the pressure in his abdomen had reached a level he was sure he couldn't keep at bay much longer. The movement of his hips increased, becoming almost uncoordinated, and just when he was on the verge of orgasming, he heard a firm, “Stop.”

Hisoka froze and blinked open his eyes. He looked over at Illumi, still seated in the chair. Their eyes met, and Hisoka felt his thighs tremble, the delicious feeling pulling back within him, cruelly ebbing into a low simmer again. His eyebrows pinched and he whined. He had prepared for overstimulation, coming and then being taken again. He hadn't expected edging.

Another jingle, and a new donation popped up on screen. Hisoka's eyes flitted over.

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $300: Well done. Continue.

“Tch...” Okay, fine, he could work with edging. If this was what it took to get laid, so be it. Hisoka picked up his hip movements again with shaking legs.

The second time around, he was prepared when the command to stop came. Ha, couldn't get any disappointment from him with that anymore. He foolishly, recklessly, shot Illumi a grin, who responded with a small smile and another donation. Hisoka was close to winning, he knew it. That composure would crack any minute now.

The third time around, he actually winced. His cock was aching and leaking, screaming for attention, and not a small portion of his body was already quivering out of his control. He had bit his lip so hard it looked swollen, and his moans sounded considerably weaker than before. And still, Illumi ordered him to continue.

By the fourth time, Hisoka was starting to suspect that the other man was set on driving him insane.

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $500: Continue.

Hisoka stared at the screen. Beads of sweat were rolling down his forehead. His cheeks were burning hot, his ass was sore, and he could practically feel his eye make up melt. In short, he was beyond frustrated. Teasing was fun, sure, but there had to be a suitable payoff. He didn't care what the other man thought, in his own book he had long already earned it.

Having previously wasted more than half a year on some idiot who couldn't deliver, he decided he wasn't going to make the same mistakes again. If playing along couldn't get him what he wanted, he would come up with something else. Obedience was just another word for boredom at this point, right?

“What are you waiting for?” Illumi said. “I told you to go on.”

“No,” Hisoka said, firmly, and managed a sly smile as he moved off and then nudged the toy off the edge of his bed. Illumi lifted his chin off his palm, just a little.

“Pardon?”

“I said no.”

There was a beat of heavy silence between them, Illumi's stare not leaving his face, his expression unchanged. He uncrossed his legs and, after fishing something Hisoka couldn't really make out from his bag, got up, closing in on the bed at a deliberately slow pace.

“Anything else you want to say?” Looking up into the black eyes, sure to recognise an inkling of anger in them despite the overall calm demeanour, Hisoka felt like he had won. Illumi had clearly just taken strap-on gear from his bag, right? If Hisoka managed to make him angry enough, he could get him to fuck him for sure.

“Oh, I'm glad you asked~” he purred with false politeness, and then went in for the kill, “The only reason you're trying to tire me out like this is probably because you wouldn't be able to make me come otherwise. I’m the one who’s doing all the goddamn work. What, are you afraid? I bet you have absolutely no stamina, no technique, no fucking skills. In the end you're just like all the others who crumble in the face of someone who knows exactly what he wants. Maybe you should have just kept watching, sweetheart.”

Illumi narrowed his eyes a dangerous amount. Hisoka stared back, grinning provocatively, and very proud of himself in that moment, feeling like he had actually done some damage.

And then the moment was over.

His jaw was suddenly caught in a crushing hold, fingers pressing in to force his teeth and lips apart, and a second later, the unmistakable pressure of a bit gag was pressing against his tongue. Hisoka struggled against Illumi's hold and ungraciously flopped back on the bed as the man suddenly let him go. The donation sound effect became a near constant again.

Illumi reached down with one hand, hooked his fingers in the ring of his collar, and pulled him up, giving Hisoka no way to hold his own weight in any way. He made an undignified noise against the gag, his legs struggling for purchase on the bedding that suddenly felt way too slippery.

“For someone 'who knows exactly what he wants', as you put it, you sure as hell have trouble asking for it. So, since you're not using your mouth to plead for anything, like a good sub should, I think it's fair to say you have no use for it right now.”

Hisoka stared up at the other with wide eyes. His heart was beating out of his chest. Before he had time to gather his wits, he was dropped again. Gloved hands hooked below his knees and pulled him to the edge of the bed, before unceremoniously flipping him over and pressing him face-down into the mattress with a single hand on his head. Hisoka gasped and moaned, taken by surprise, as his still painfully hard and oversensitive dick was suddenly trapped between his stomach and the bed. He tried to rut into the sheets, but a knee was immediately painfully pressing into his tail bone, forcing his movements to a stop.

Hisoka whined and Illumi tutted above him, “Ah, ah, ah. Don't even think about it.”

For the first time since starting the stream, Illumi returned his attention to the screen.

“So, I think we can all agree that punishment is due, and this one clearly needs to learn to behave. The highest bidder within the next minute gets to help me decide. Send your suggestions. Go.”

Hisoka couldn't believe it. When he had agreed to letting Illumi join his stream he hadn't expected him to take it over completely – especially after wilfully staying out of the majority of it up until now.

This evening was nothing like he had expected.

He tried to move his head, to wiggle onto his side, but Illumi's knee pushed him down again, so all he could do was squirm and whine. For all the planning they had done, all the boring preparation and safety measures, this suddenly felt out of his control.

The rapid notification jingle sounded like the world's most mocking countdown to Hisoka's ears right now. The gag kept him from closing his mouth, and in this position, he was painfully aware of how much he was involuntarily drooling onto the sheets. He felt completely helpless and humiliated, and frustrated, yet somehow it was turning him on more than words could express. He needed to be touched so badly.

Eventually, he heard a dark chuckle from behind him. “Mm. That's a nice idea, sugarbiscuit_44. And thank you for the donation. Let's give it a try.”

Illumi's weight left his body, and Hisoka heard his steps walk half a circle in the room, towards his desk. He rolled over and tried to see the screen, but of course, the donation by the mentioned user with the suggestion of his punishment had already been pushed out of frame by other ones.

MommyWantsTheD donated $150: oh pins, make him regret talking back to you, haha

xXxcumslutxXx donated $80: damn, flush_of_hearts, you are in dire need of a brat tamer and it looks like you got the right man to get the job done

S3xw4rl0ck donated $111: RIP it was nice knowing you. you bit off way more than you can chew and I'm here for itttt. this is the hottest stream you ever did!!

bang__man donated $99,99: don't forget to say thank you when he's done with you xxx

The donations were insanely high today. Absent-mindedly, Hisoka mused this was maybe the most money he had ever made in a single stream. He craned his neck to see Illumi standing at his messy desk, lifting a few papers out of the way. Hisoka knitted his brows. What the hell was he looking for?

“Ah.” Hisoka's eyes went wide as he saw Illumi lift his metal ruler off of his tabletop. He tested its flexure and then the edge with the pad of his finger, nodding to himself. He turned and made his way back to the bed, coming to a halt behind Hisoka. “Turn around for me.” Hisoka swallowed. Pathetically writhing around for a while, he eventually managed to turn onto his back. He was sure his make up was more than smudged by now.

Illumi smiled down at him, still so fucking calm. He elegantly crawled atop the bed, coming to a seat on Hisoka's thighs, ruler in hand. “Are you ready for your punishment?” Defiance coming back to him at full force, Hisoka narrowed his eyes. Do your worst, Mister Real Estate.

He was fully convinced Illumi couldn't get him to back down, no matter what the fuck he was going to do with the ruler. “You remember your safeword?” Hisoka rolled his eyes and nodded. Please. No one had ever brought him even close to using it. Was Illumi asking for it again a sign of him already growing soft? How disapp–

A sudden hard snap of the ruler against his nipple made him yelp. Before he could find his bearings, Illumi had already bent it again, and let it smack against his sensitive skin a second time. The way Hisoka's pec was currently stretched due to the ropes holding his arms and shoulders back made the pain all the more intense.

“I noticed how you always pinch yourself here when you get close,” Snap, “but never more than once,” Snap, “and never too hard.” Illumi commented, voice eerily light and calm. Snap. “Seems like this is a very delicate spot, mh?”

Snap. Hisoka winced. Snap. He averted his eyes as his hips uselessly canted into the air, finding no friction, no relief in the movement. Snap. All he could do was lay there and take it. He still felt stubborn about it. Snap. Illumi didn't divert from his right nipple, not spacing out the pain in any way. He kept to the same spot. Snap. There wasn't a rhythm to it. The timing of each new strike was unpredictable – Hisoka couldn't even brace for it. Snap. He whimpered against his gag. Snap. He wouldn't cry – he wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Snap. A particularly hard smack made him yelp again, and still, Illumi didn't stop. Hisoka felt so helplessly exposed and degraded. Snap. Tears were stinging in the corners of his firmly shut eyes.

You won't make me cry.

Snap. He had never wanted to be touched so badly in his entire life, to have a contrast to the pain. Snap. If anything, the ache made him awfully aware of how sensitive his entire body was by now. Snap. He cried out again, louder. Snap, snap, snap...

He didn't know how many hits he had taken by the time the first brief pause came, but his voice was starting to get hoarse. His chest felt as if on fire. He couldn't separate himself from the pain anymore.

“Look at me.”

Hisoka fought to open his eyes and abide by the request. Even through the blur of the moisture in his eyes, he could make out that there wasn't as much as a single hair out of place on Illumi's pretty head. His skin was as pale as ever, eyes calm. He looked completely unaffected. Shame started stinging in Hisoka's cheeks, summoning his unyielding pride in the same breath.

See? This is nothing. Don’t bore me like this, Illumi, I expected better.

“Have you learned your lesson?”

Hisoka quickly nodded. As if, he thought.

“So you will apologise if I remove the gag?” Hisoka nodded again. Like hell I will.

There was a moment of silence as Illumi looked down at him, dragging a gentle, gloved finger along his jaw. The brat in Hisoka now returned at full force, lulled into a sense of comfort by the sudden touch.

Come on, I won. You know you want to spoil me instead of doing this. You can't wait, right?

The black eyes met his and Illumi sat back up, withdrawing his hand. “Hm. I don't believe you.” Wha- SNAP.

Hisoka arched off the bed with the next painful sting and screwed his eyes shut, a pained cry escaping his throat. It felt like the assaulted skin was going to split open at any second.

The unrelenting strikes started again and Hisoka found himself defenceless, writhing underneath. He couldn't move away, he couldn't even verbally protest, Illumi had made sure of that.

Gradually, something inside of his mind shifted, slipping into a space he'd never found himself in before. He now realised Illumi saw right through him, and had done so from the start. His usual bravado was no use here. He had no choice but to submit to whatever was given to him.

Illumi could break him-- Snap. He would break him. Like no one had ever dared to do before.

… And Hisoka was fine with it.

The thought alone made precum dribble onto his stomach, but even that sensation was laced with so much intense pain that he openly sobbed, hot tears finally streaming down the side of his face, saliva staining his swollen lips and his chin. He didn't hear anything besides his own pathetic noises anymore. The onslaught stopped, and still, Hisoka flinched and trembled in anticipation of more pain.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he cried.

Fingers of a gloved hand carefully rubbed over the aching, swollen nub of his chest and he weakly whined against the wet gag.

“How about now?” Illumi pinched the already bruised skin between his fingers, and Hisoka winced, gone desperate. “Ready to apologise?”

“Mmf...!!” He nodded, not trusting to open his eyes. He wasn't sure if he could take the merciless stare right now. Or another hit.

Please believe me.

“Hmm. Fine.” Illumi shifted upwards, avoiding touching Hisoka's leaking cock in any way and sat down on his abs again. A few seconds later, the gag was removed. Hisoka gasped and hiccuped between two sobs, blinking his eyes open on instinct to see the blur of the ring light and the screen of his laptop.

He had completely forgotten about the stream. The never-ending jingle of donations notification became apparent to him only now. It quickly slipped away again, the sensations given to him by Illumi overwriting everything.

His lips felt a little numb, and even closing his mouth was now accompanied by pain. So was opening it, really. Everything hurt. Illumi slowly grabbed his jaw and turned his face towards him. “Well?”

“I...” His voice gave out. That had never happened before. He swallowed and tried again. “I-I'm sorry, Sir.”

“And?”

“And... thank you...” Hisoka tried, voice fragile. Apparently it had been the right answer, because Illumi looked pleased with it. Hisoka exhaled a sigh of relief. The man above him leaned in.

“I forgive you.” Hisoka looked up at him with glassy eyes. “Do you want to cum?”

“Yes-- yes, please.” God, he sounded desperate, the tone of his voice completely foreign to his own ears.

“Ask for it nicely then.”

Hisoka's breath hitched, another sob threatening to make its way past his lips. He didn't know how much longer he could take this. He couldn't stop trembling. No one had ever made him beg, but right now, he didn't care.

His ego was gone. The only thing left was blissful shame. So, he begged.

“Please, please-- please, I'll do anything you want-- please... let me come, Sir, I promise I'll behave.” Illumi kept watching him, unmoving, and Hisoka couldn't discern anything from his facial expression anymore - if he was angry, aroused or still just unspeakably calm. Feeling hopeless, he added, “I will take whatever you offer, so please--”

A surprisingly gentle hand found its way into his hair, and Hisoka's voice died on the spot. Illumi leaned over him.

“Anything?”

“Yes-...” he sighed it out like a prayer. Please just touch me.

“Alright. Open your mouth.” Hisoka stared up at the black eyes above him and obeyed without a second thought. His hips twitched as Illumi slowly traced the thumb of his other glove across his bottom lip – before spitting into his mouth. Hisoka moaned.

“Swallow.” He did. Illumi followed the movement of his Adam's apple with his eyes. Then he leaned in and kissed Hisoka's temple. A small gesture like this had never felt so gratifying to Hisoka before, the press of the other man's weight against his body a real and grounding thing. “Good,” came the calm voice from next to his ear. The praise had his head swimming and he smiled, weakly, relishing in what he had been gifted just now.

Illumi pushed himself onto his hands and knees and leaned off the bed, towards the assortment of toys on the other side. “Since you disobeyed me today, I won't fuck you myself. Remember this next time, before you decide to act up.”

Disappointment constricting his stomach, Hisoka stared up at Illumi's chest above him, nodding. Next time. “Yes, Sir.”

Illumi returned with a remote control vibrator egg in his hands, and quickly lubed it up. It was a laughable size compared to the dildo he had ridden earlier, but the thought of something finally inside of him made Hisoka's mouth water. He needed the release so badly. Illumi moved off of Hisoka's form. “Spread,” he commanded. With great effort, Hisoka pulled his knees towards his torso, Illumi even helped him a little this time, putting even more weight on his bound arms.

Illumi slipped the toy inside, pushing two of his gloved fingers right after, to move it around a bit. Hisoka flinched and whimpered as it brushed against his prostate. His dick stood to full attention again in a second flat.

Taking notice of the reaction, Illumi held the toy in the exact spot and pressed a button on the remote. Hisoka was pretty sure it was the lowest setting on the damn thing, but with how overly sensitive his body was by now, with how often he had been denied and made to wait, the pent-up pressure all but exploded within a minute. It was over the second Illumi dragged a single finger up his shaft and brushed it over his tip.

Hisoka arched off the bed and painted his own chest with cum, screaming hoarsely as he did. His entire body convulsed with the waves of his orgasm and for a second he thought he was going to pass out from it-- he had never come so hard in his entire life. It felt like a part of him was being ripped away with it. He felt weightless, dizzy and crushed all at once.

With his mind completely blank, his vision spotty, and air coming in ragged breaths to his lungs, he was dimly aware of how the vibration ceased somewhere in the cushion of his high, and the fingers eased it out of his body again.

Illumi gently helped him sit up and leaned him against his chest. The warmth of another body against his felt like heaven.

A feeble “thank you, sir” passed his lips, but Hisoka's mind was swimming so much he wasn't sure he had actually said it out loud.

“My pleasure. Tell them, too, and say your goodbyes. We need to get you cleaned up.” Illumi nodded towards the screen, so Hisoka looked over. Upon seeing his image, he didn't recognize himself at first. Mascara was streaking his hot, wet cheeks. His hair was ruined, his lips more swollen than he had ever seen them. His nipple was visibly bruised, the marks in shades of red, purple and the first hints of blue stretching in different angles over the entirety of his pec.

The confident, bratty streaming persona was nowhere to be seen. He was a tied-up, crying, cum-stained mess in the hands of the man behind him.

And he fucking loved it.

He smiled, and even the glint of his canines looked pathetic now. He was visibly fucked-out. The usual sing-song of his voice was now rough and strained. “Thank you for watching, lovelies~ I’m happy for your donations… looks like you had fun. I hope to see you around next time. Goodnight~”

As he finished, another donation came flooding in at the last second.

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $1000: Thank you.

And then, before Hisoka could say anything, Illumi leaned over and ended the stream. The last thing the audience saw were two widened, golden eyes taking in the amount he'd just been given.

The first thing Illumi did after that was to remove the collar, officially ending the session. Hisoka took a deep breath, the air feeling cool and soothing as it hit his sweat-slick neck. He closed his eyes.

There was a shuffle and then suddenly, two naked hands held his face. No gloves. Hisoka flinched a little with the sensation – Illumi's hands were unexpectedly soft. He felt something well up inside of his chest and his eyes and looked up at the other man. The gaze he received was nothing short of devoted. Hisoka felt himself blush as he started crying, again.

What the fuck was he so worked up about now...? The sex was over. He averted his eyes as Illumi brushed one of his tears away with his thumb.

“You did so well.”

Hisoka laughed, and it sounded wet. “Thank you. I know.”

“Do you want to lie down while I untie you?”

“It's okay.” Hisoka muttered, feeling more exhausted and vulnerable than he thought was possible. Illumi put a blanket across his legs and then worked quickly and quietly, and once the ropes were fully removed, carefully massaged along Hisoka's lower arms while slowly, very slowly, bending them to straightness again. Hisoka grunted with the ache of it. He would definitely feel this for a while.

Illumi took his time with the aftercare, a lot more than Hisoka had expected. He helped him shower, muttering about how he definitely wanted to provide him with an apartment that had a soaking tub soon, and later even went through with his seemingly never-ending skincare routine under Hisoka's guidance while said man just sat there, wrapped in a soft bathrobe. He was already quite groggy and beyond sore, so why would he deny himself getting pampered? It also helped him find back to his usual self.

Illumi dragged a soft washing cloth, soaked in make-up remover, along Hisoka's stained cheek. Then he stopped.

“...Oh.”

“Mh? Did you use the wrong product?”

“You have freckles.”

Hisoka's eyes shot open, staring at Illumi.

How in the fuck had he forgotten about not wanting to show his naked face to anyone?! Shit.

He covered his quickly surfacing insecurity with a breathy laugh. “Oh, haha, yes, I just usually cover them up for my stream.” And whenever he left the house. Really, whenever he wasn't sleeping or heading to bed.

“You shouldn't.” There was open worship in the black eyes again. Hisoka was at a loss for words for a second, and it didn't get better as Illumi added, blunt and honest, “They are nice.” Hisoka still laughed, but by now his discomfort was audible to his own ears.

“I don't... want them to show.”

“I understand. Then maybe, if it's not too much to ask, only show them to me whenever we are done playing.”

Hisoka's brows tensed a little. He wanted to say how it was indeed too much to ask of him. But what good was that now? Illumi had already seen more of him than anyone ever had, and he had only met him twice.

But the session was over, and Hisoka wasn't in a charitable or submissive mood anymore. Outright saying no wasn't his style either – it felt like an admission of weakness. So, feeling smart, he countered with something he knew would be rejected.

“I'll trade it for explicit permission to touch you wherever I want, whenever I want.”

Black eyes snapped up to meet his.

“No.” Ha, gotcha. “Not always. But I'll allow it during aftercare.” Hisoka's face fell. Oh.

“Wh...”

“Let's trade. I will get to see your freckles after every session, and you will get to touch me however you want, without having to ask.” Hisoka now realised what a shitty deal that was. He would be way too tired after each session to have some actual fun with touching Illumi while the other man got to see him truly naked and vulnerable. As if hearing his thoughts, Illumi tilted his head and smiled. “Unless of course you're scared of that.”

Hisoka's jaw tightened and his eyebrow twitched. “Deal.” Game on, Mister.

Huffing, he put a hand on Illumi's thigh without asking. Seemingly completely unperturbed, Illumi returned to his task of cleaning Hisoka's face. Hisoka wanted to grab him somewhere that would elicit a reaction, but once he actually managed to move his hand somewhere, he found himself scooting hesitant fingertips over the other man's firm abs and his side before just holding on to Illumi's shirt, as if wanting to make sure he stayed close or pull him closer, still. Neither of them commented on it as Illumi, in fact, scooted a little closer and Hisoka felt himself relax somewhat. He would tease him… eventually.

A myriad of skin products later, Illumi had brought Hisoka something to eat and drink and cleaned the toys in the en-suite while Hisoka ate on the bed. He had a weird feeling in his stomach, completely different from the void the end of the stream usually left him with.

“So...” Hisoka wondered out loud. “How would you rate our first 'collaboration'?”

Illumi emerged from the bathroom, putting the toys into their respective place, as well as the ruler, and then busied himself with winding up the shibari rope. “I enjoyed it a lot. I wouldn't be opposed to repeating it, with or without the stream involved.”

“Me neither.” Their eyes met. Hisoka grinned.

Illumi put the now neatly tied up rope back into his bag and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I’m not sure you understand, so let me be clear. I would love to make you my sub. Contract and all.”

Hisoka choked on his sandwich. With a million exclamation marks written plainly all over his face, he looked at Illumi, wide-eyed. He inhaled to bark out a big enthusiastic yes – because who knew if an opportunity like this would ever present itself again, and he was more than ready for his life of both material and sexual luxuries – but Illumi stopped him with a lifted hand.

“Take your time to think about it. I take my contracts very seriously, and right now you are not in the condition to consent. Rest. We will talk about it later, I just wanted to make my intentions known.”

Hisoka closed his mouth again. Maybe he was right. Hisoka had never spent any duration of time in a relationship he had considered serious and from what he knew, BDSM contracts were a whole other level of commitment. Then again... the man in front of him had already proven capable of giving him what he wanted, at least... most of it. So insisting on any big decisions now was no use, he assumed.

“Alright. Well, then... Thank you for the fun time, Illumi.”

A small, sterile smile crept onto the pale lips. “It's my pleasure, Hisoka.” He rose up and lifted Hisoka's chin with his hand, just a little. “Sleep well.”

Hisoka chuckled and threw himself back into his plush pillows to underline his point. “I will.” Illumi smiled, shouldered the duffle bag and left his bedroom without looking back. Only a second after hearing his apartment door click back into place, his phone buzzed.

Hisoka, who had been unconsciously tracing rope marks with his fingertips, picked it up.

[Just Now]

PinsAndNeedles301: Thank you for the stream, and for trusting me. Doing this with you is something I thought about for a long time, and finally earning your submission today felt more than gratifying. You looked beautiful from beginning to end, and beyond. I look forward to next time. xo

PinsAndNeedles301: P.S. Let's go apartment hunting for you soon. I can't have you in a condo without a soaking tub, I mean it. Goodnight.

Hisoka giggled, and something simmered inside of his chest. Smiling, his fingers danced over the screen.

Flush_Of_Hearts: Alright. ♥ Goodnight.

Chapter Text

The next weeks went by in a flash. Hisoka had more than a few university projects on his hands that needed to be finished by the end of the month – so the only thing currently railing his ass were the exams – and Illumi was a horribly busy man, neck-deep in the culture that valued productivity over anything else. From what Hisoka could glean, his workdays were sometimes more than eighteen hours long. He knew, because on the most extreme of days, Illumi's first texts would reach him around five in the morning – and the last one sometimes came flying in after midnight. But even then, Illumi still texted him every day like clockwork.

Despite their first session being so promising, in recent days, most of their messages were more... practical in nature. Illumi was set on providing Hisoka with a new apartment, and rarely diverted from that topic in their exchanges. In general, he wasn't all that flirtatious via text. Hisoka had tried coaxing something more out of him by sending him a few steamy selfies, but all he’d ever gotten in turn were levelled and appreciative responses – grammatically correct of course – and not the insanely attractive man kicking down his door, bending him over the nearest flat surface and taking him raw. A bummer.

Immense pressure and stress aside, Hisoka was actually glad about his projects keeping him distracted at the moment, because even though the collaboration with Illumi had left him sated for more than a couple of days (which was a remarkably long period considering his appetite), if he would've had too much free time on his hands he would’ve been more acutely aware of how starved for action he was by now. His schedule currently didn't even leave room for his streams, dooming his viewers and himself to a cruel hiatus. It was like No Nut November except on the verge of summer, so with twice as high season-induced levels of horniness. Really, no one could win in that scenario.

It was Wed- Thursday, half past three in the morning, and Hisoka was hand-stitching flower-themed embroidery onto a layered ball gown. For this class, he and his coursemates were supposed to incorporate the concept of flowers into their designs. (Yeah, groundbreakingly creative.) He knew many of his fellow students would just opt for an eye-pulling, floral accessory or even a patterned fabric and an interesting cut and call it a day. Practical decisions to meet the deadline. 

But Hisoka didn't do practical or minimalistic – even though his teacher had strongly recommended it upon seeing his drafts. He also didn't care to blend in or get lost among the others – he was bold and here to be seen and remembered. He believed in his design, and he knew it was to die for, he just wished whenever the deadline drew near he could spawn a few extra hands. By now it was blatantly clear he would have to tone it down if he wanted to hand in his work on time.

… Aw, hell no. He wouldn't sacrifice his vision. He would make this work somehow. 

God-damn education system, trying to make true art fit into a schedule for grading. He was paying them, not the other way around, so as far as he was concerned, they really should've given him all the time he needed as long as he still pumped money into their blasted machinery. And a team of five assistants wouldn't hurt either.

He grunted, frustrated, but suddenly his phone's screen lit up with a new message.

Hisoka blinked at the screen. He leaned over and read the message, then he smiled, his exhaustion momentarily forgotten. Thanks, universe, just at the right moment.

Illumi, 3:39 a.m.: Are you free on Sunday?

It seemed he wasn't the only one having an unnecessarily long day. He flexed his hands, now painfully aware of how much his fingers hurt after endless hours of being kept in the same position, holding the same tiny metal object, and deemed a short break more than well-deserved. He'd been sewing since lunchtime, so maybe it was even time for a treat. And not the edible kind. Hisoka pressed a few buttons and dialled Illumi's number. He put the phone on speaker and rolled his shoulders, a few joints popping as he did.

Click.

“Hello, Hisoka. I didn't wake you up, did I?” Ah~ that voice hit the spot right away.

“Don't worry, darling, I was still up working on a project. The world isn't letting either of us off the hook today, mh?”

“Seems like it.” There was a silent exhale on the other end of the line, not quite a sigh. Hisoka tried to place the sound, but before he successfully could, Illumi continued, “I hope I didn't interrupt anything.”

“You didn't, you just provided a break. Oh, and yes, I'm free on Sunday.”

Hisoka wasn't really free on Sunday, but when life gave you lemons you sure as hell dropped them to spend some quality time with your sugar-daddy instead because fuck lemonade.

“Mm, good. I would like to go look at some of the condos I sent you earlier this week.”

“Sounds like fun~”

“I'll pick you up at nine. Oh. Nine a.m.”

Hisoka laughed. “I figured.”

There was that barely audible breath again, almost like a toneless whistle. Hisoka lifted his eyebrow, still trying to make sense of the sound. “What's with the sighing, Mister? Don't tell me it's that kind of call...” Not that he would mind. He smirked, and heard a chuckle from the other end of the line, Illumi's voice gone a little raspy.

“I can assure you it's not.” Too bad. “I didn't expect you to call, so I lit a cigarette right before you did.”

Well, well, well. So Mister Perfect had a few vices after all, hm? Interesting.

“I didn't know you smoked. You sure as hell don't smell like you do.” Hisoka would have noticed, his nose was quite sensitive in that regard. And while he didn't care for the stink of cigarettes, he still admitted there was something inherently attractive to the general aesthetic that surrounded smoking. Hisoka imagined Illumi's elegant fingers cradling a cigarette, neat short nails tapping the filter to make the ash fall off the end. His deft thumb flicking the lighter, maybe offering Hisoka one as well... Not that he would have accepted, but the gesture was still kind of sexy. The image of smoke trailing from Illumi's open mouth as he leaned in for a shotgun kiss--

“I only ever smoke outside, only occasionally... and no classic cigarettes.”

“Ah, like vaping?”

“No, like marijuana.”

“Oh--” Hisoka snorted and laughed, once again completely caught off guard by the clinically accurate choice of words and the dry delivery by the other man – he'd sounded like a high school teacher warning students about the dangers of the gateway drug about five years after half of them had already tried it. On top of that, he really couldn't imagine someone so pristine and put together like Illumi high on weed, all boneless and with a stoner grin stuck on his handsome face. Or getting the munchies a few hours later and devouring two or three bags of chips all by himself. The image was priceless. And maybe another type of sexy all together.

Once his laughter had shrunken down to a giggle, Hisoka said, “You never fail to surprise me.” He wondered what other shades of this man he would get to see sooner or later. He wasn't going to be bored for a while, huh? But first he had to actually see him again.

There was a pleased hum on the other side, a little rougher than usual, but nonetheless soothing. Hisoka felt hungry all of a sudden, the lowered eyelids on that godforsaken calm face in mind.

“You think... we could fit in a quick session at some point on Sunday?” he muttered, voice gone sensual. I miss your hands on my body.

“I would love to, but I'm not sure my schedule allows it. I'll see what I can do.”

Hisoka pouted. As far as he was concerned, 'maybe' was just a more polite way to say 'no'. Still, he kept his voice light as he said, “Okay~” Read: Make it work somehow.

Out of nowhere, his voice laden with meaning, Illumi said, “I keep thinking about the look on your face.”

“Mh?”

“When you started crying.” 

Hisoka straightened as if struck by lightning. So it was that kind of call, after all, hm?

“Yeah...?” he managed to say. His pulse picked up and he swallowed. He thought he heard the crackle of filter paper burning as Illumi took a drag from the blunt and his imagination took over again. The soft glow of the burning cigarette would cast Illumi's handsome face in such dangerous, orange light, bringing embers to his otherwise lightless eyes, and carve out his features in a way Hisoka wouldn't be able to resist-- Oh wow, that was maybe the quickest he'd gone from no to half-boner.

“Did you like it?” He tried to sound playful, but already, unconsciously, he’d slipped a hand to his throat, and his voice was a little breathless. He blamed it on his exhaustion – and on the fact that he hadn't really seen any action in more than a week.

“Mm,” came the deep hum of confirmation. “Tell me... How did you feel at that moment, Hisoka?” The sound of his name spoken by Illumi in that way immediately brought him to his feet. Before he knew what he was doing, they carried him to his bedroom.

“I felt...” Overwhelmed. Exposed. Naked. Ashamed. And yet-- It had been so easy with Illumi, forced into a state that overwrote every inhibition, every taboo, every ounce of his ego, where he didn't have to worry about being perfect-- … 

Liberated.

He had felt liberated.

… Yeah, there was no way he would say that out loud. Illumi was already too powerful as he was – all rich and sexy and immune to Hisoka's charm due to his asexuality-- It was unfair, really. 

Hisoka floundered for a bit, not really getting anything besides a half-chuckle past his lips.

Illumi was unrelenting. “Yes? Go on,” he said in that completely irresistible tenor of his, that branded Hisoka to the core. But apparently it was the nudge his brain had needed to come up with a suitable non-response.

“Mm~... I think I need a reminder of that feeling in our next session before I can answer that.” So you better make room for it on Sunday, Mister Real Estate. “I have such a terrible memory, really,” he added, sounding more dramatic than necessary. Hisoka came to a stop in front of the dresser where he kept all of his toys.

“Clever answer... alright. We'll find out in time.” The comment made him shudder. Hisoka pulled the drawer open and fetched a vibrator and lube.

“What did you think at that moment?” Give me more of that voice of yours...

There was no hesitation in Illumi's words when he said, “That I wanted to bring you to that brink again and again. But nothing will ever replace that moment. Watching someone slip into subspace for the first time is...” Hisoka heard a tiny exhale through the line and bit his lip in anticipation. “...unlike anything else,” Illumi finished. His voice sent another full-on shiver through Hisoka. Oh yep, now he was definitely hard.

He tried his best to discreetly and quietly –  and quickly – scoot onto the covers of his bed, placed the phone next to himself on the sheets, and fumbled with the lube.

“Well, we can repeat that any time you want...” he half-whispered. “Was it hard to get me there, hm?”

“No, not hard,” Illumi asserted, while Hisoka pushed a lubed hand below the waistband of his sweatpants and took himself in hand. He suppressed a moan, imagining Illumi's touch instead of his own. He missed the collar, all of a sudden. “It simply took a while, slow and steady, to make your mind forget about your composure and your performance... There's only so much you can know about a person from their streams and a single face to face meeting. Finding a way around those walls is a delicate process...”

He was pretty sure Illumi was still talking after that, but Hisoka was only half-listening, the tone of the voice alone making his head swim. For all he cared, Illumi could’ve been reading the dictionary to him. 

“You still played me like an instrument...” he said when a pause in Illumi's monologue presented itself. I fucking loved it, he didn't say. There was a sound of acknowledgement from the other man and Hisoka slipped his fingers further down, to his hole, pushing one inside. His other hand took the place on his cock, stroking himself more firmly. He stifled another breathless sound, turning his face away from the phone as he did.

“Mm. Only because you allowed me to. Hisoka?” The way he said his name-- Hisoka immediately, greedily shoved a second finger inside, his knees knocking together with the delicious feeling of it. He was sure Illumi would force them apart again if he was here with him. He covered his moan with a breathy chuckle.

“Y-yeah?”

“What are you doing right now?”

“Oh... working on my project.” The personal project of making himself cum was always in the works.

“You're not lying to me, are you?” Hisoka blinked his eyes open and stopped moving his fingers.

 Deny it, his inner brat thought. And keep him talking. He’ll never know. 

The image of Illumi's onyx eyes came back to him, the ruler in his hands flexed. “Hisoka?” Illumi reiterated when he didn't receive an answer right away. Hisoka's fingers flinched a little.

“I- … Oh, haha... you got me~ I'm still taking a break.” He tried to sound light and nonchalant. To his own ears he sounded nervous. Guilty. If anything, Illumi's voice grew more sharp.

“Doing what exactly?” Hisoka was pinned by the question as if he was tied up all over again, as if staring up at the other man and his unyielding gaze. His breath hitched as his cock jumped. Then he shook his head, pushing the thought away.

We're not playing right now. I don't have to tell him anything.

His mouth had other ideas. “Jerking off,” Hisoka heard himself say. He immediately grimaced, realising what had just passed his lips. Way to go, brain. Ah, it was late, wasn't it? There was a beat of silence, one in which Hisoka felt to the deepest parts of his being that Illumi could read all of his intentions leading up to this exact moment. In detail.

“I see,” came the simple reply. Oh? No threat of punishment? There was a barely audible chuckle. “I won't keep you from it any longer then. Have fun.”

“What-”

“Goodnight, Hisoka. I'll see you Sunday.”

Nonono, wait--

Click.

Hisoka stared at the phone, borderline offended, huffing out a breath. He already missed the perfect voice to help him fuel his masturbatory fantasies. Everything he did now would only be half as fun. 

He blew a strand of hair out of his face and ended the call with the tip of his nose to avoid getting lube on his phone. Then he flopped back onto the pillows and sighed, before stifling a grin. For some reason completely inexplicable to him, he couldn't even be mad. “... See you Sunday, Illu.”

-

Sunday had come and most of it had gone already. As promised, Illumi had picked up Hisoka at nine, and after a filling breakfast in a high-end restaurant, had swept him away to the luxurious world of real estate. The impressions had left Hisoka's head swimming and his feet hurting – in retrospect he should've gone for a more manageable heel length. Who could've known the smallest available condo option Illumi had picked for him was the size of a freaking football field?

He'd already been aware of the fact that Illumi was rich, but today, the true scale of just how loaded the man was had slowly dawned on him. Judging from the properties he had seen, and the numbers that had been so casually discussed between him and other real estate agents or the owners themselves, he now knew it was enough that gifting someone a house – or more than one – was definitely in the cards for Illumi without having to think about it twice.

All of these interactions had felt so unreal, so bizarre, like people asking him with a straight face what kind of marble he preferred for his counter tops because they could definitely fly in a more exquisite one from Greece or Italy that was another shade of off-white if he wished to. Hisoka found himself unconsciously checking for hidden cameras more than once, ready to be told it was all a joke. But Illumi himself had made similar suggestions, and asked more pointed questions when they went to look at the other facilities. So apparently it was all very normal in the day-to-day-life of a rich person to think about whether hardwood from Brazil or Cameroon best represented their taste. And there he’d thought he was extra. 

All of the knowledge about this entirely new world, and the ton of new questions that had arisen with it, had left him feeling so overwhelmed, it was already dinnertime before he had registered that any of it had really, actually happened.

Having decided on their locations for breakfast and lunch, Illumi had let him choose the restaurant this time around. By the time they were both done with their meals – Hisoka had chosen Wagyu steak that had cost a tiny fortune and he swore he'd tasted heaven – the sun was already setting.

“So, what did you think? Any favourites?” Illumi held the car door open for Hisoka, and once he was seated, went around the vehicle to get in on the other side, quickly fastening his seatbelt. Hisoka rummaged around in his bag, then pulled out and thumbed through the different booklets – all in full colour and glossy paper, of course – he'd been given with every property Illumi had shown him.

They'd visited five potential living spaces in total over the course of the day. Lofty condominiums, penthouses, all of them opulent and stunning, each with their own abundance of luxuries. Before today, Hisoka had only ever seen these types of properties in reality TV shows or magazines. Looking over at his actual sugar-daddy, he realised starring in such a show now wouldn't be so far-fetched. 

They looked like a nouveau rich couple today and more than one person had actually referred to them as such. Not that Hisoka minded that misconception all too much, it had been a fun little game to play along to. Even the most conservative-looking, stuck-up host was suddenly very open-minded towards a flamboyant and obviously queer man if they thought he and his “partner” had lots of money. Talk about privilege.

But here, sitting in Illumi's car, with all of the hustle and bustle behind him, there was a slight... issue. What originally had sounded like an outrageously fun idea – getting a figurative castle for himself – now had Hisoka a little hesitant. There was so much empty space to fill. Most of the condos had been staged, meaning fully furnished, and still, despite the summery temperatures, they had all seemed... cold. Void of personality. Like a work of art, that was to be shown and admired, but never ever to be touched or – god forbid – used and to be lived in.

He looked at the floor plans again.

“They all had at least three bathrooms,” Hisoka said. Illumi slipped on his sunglasses and started the engine, putting a hand to the back of Hisoka's seat as he reversed out of the parking space, and Hisoka tried to not get distracted by how hot he looked while doing so.

“Yes. And?” Oh, of course. A rich person wouldn't understand.

“Illumi, what on earth would I need three whole bathrooms for? Or--” he counted, “--five bedrooms? I live alone.” Illumi looked at the road, thumb slightly tapping the steering wheel. He looked so good in his grey suit.

“I'm not sure I understand your concerns, at least not when it comes to the bathrooms. There's typically one with a tub, one with a shower, and one for guests.”

Hisoka giggled at the earnest reply. “While I absolutely do not want to keep you from spoiling me...”

“Go on.”

“That's too much space just for me.” All of his stuff wouldn't fill even one of the rooms in those huge condos. If Illumi kept buying him a new piece of furniture every day for a few months, maybe they could fill up two. Even the smallest rooms in those monster apartments were still double the size of his current bedroom. In other words, in rich people's dimensions, his sleeping space was about the size of a pantry. Including the en-suite. “Plus, these apartments were all way too far away from campus. I don't have a car.”

“Ah, I see.” Illumi was quiet for a while. He didn't sound angry, just thoughtful. Maybe even simply fully concentrated on the road, Hisoka mused. But then he suddenly picked up the word again. “I should have asked for your preferences beforehand. A rookie mistake on my part. My apologies.”

Hisoka chuckled. “Aw, don't sound so sad about it now. They did all look insanely gorgeous.” He reached over, then stopped himself. “Can I?” Illumi glanced over to him for a second, then nodded. Hisoka hummed and put his hand on Illumi's thigh, and looked back at the pictures. “Maybe at another point in my life.”

Hisoka felt the muscles in Illumi's leg shift as his foot worked the pedals while he drove. One of his hands left the wheel to drag his knuckles across the back of Hisoka's hand. 

“Let's start from the top. Tell me about your ideal size.”

“At least 8 inches,” Hisoka grinned.

“Condo size, Hisoka.”

“Hm, I wonder...” His gaze drifted out of the window and he let his thoughts wander, to find a point of reference. Did he even need more than two, maybe three rooms at the moment? A bigger bathroom would be nice for sure... Definitely more closet space. Maybe a separate studio for his streams and his sewing projects, too. But most apartments close to campus with more than one bedroom were strictly only rented out as shared flats for students. And he wasn't keen on sharing his space with three other twenty-something-year-olds that clogged the shower drain with their hair, threw up on the couch or forgot leftovers in the fridge until they started crawling out by themselves again.

“Is your current apartment already bigger than the one you grew up in?” Illumi tried. Hisoka's brows knitted momentarily, a bitter taste on his tongue at the mention of his upbringing. He turned and shot Illumi a smile.

“I have an idea. Why don't you show me your home?”

“Mine?”

“Yeah. Maybe it'll help me understand what you think is suitable for someone living on their own. It would be easier to just say 'I want that too' and 'That wouldn't work for me', right?” Also it was only fair Illumi invited him over after he had already seen Hisoka's apartment. And maybe, just maybe, he could get Illumi to bend him over if he played his cards right.

Illumi only considered for a brief moment, before he nodded. 

“Alright.” Hisoka loved how easily he always accepted his proposals. Illumi changed lanes and took a left turn. “I have two properties.” Of course you do. “One apartment in town that's closer to the main office, where I spend most of my time,” Illumi floored the gas pedal to make it across a yellow light before it turned red, causing the engine to purr and roar, “and a house in the suburbs.” Suburbs. He probably meant the gated community on the southern outskirts of town, not the family friendly district in the north.

“An entire house just for you?”

“It has enough rooms in case my siblings want to stay over.”

“Oh, you have siblings?”

“Four of them, yes. Three brothers and a sister. I'm the oldest.” Hisoka gave a half-smile, not at all surprised. A firm and put-together person like Illumi was easy to imagine as the first-born. 

Four siblings... either his parents were conservatives who thought condoms were a sin or they loved getting busy with each other. Or they wanted to make sure the next generation of pretty real estate agents would ensure the family's everlasting fortune, even though Hisoka was sure it was already enough to outlast dynasties from what he'd seen so far. Whatever the reason was, Illumi was part of a large family, and they probably all loved each other in a perfectly acceptable, privileged, rich people type of way, a fact that made Hisoka's stomach twist ever so slightly with jealousy. He forced himself to give a pleasant smile.

“How nice.” It was a touchy subject, so Hisoka didn't comment anything further. He was sure Illumi would share more if he wanted to. And Hisoka would pretend not to be bothered and deflect any questions that might be flung his way in turn. He let his fingertips dance across the nice linen fabric of Illumi's suit pants and looked out of the window again.

Taking another turn, Illumi said, “I'll show you the house another time. I only have an hour left before I have to get back to work.” Unseen to Illumi, Hisoka pouted. So no session today either, huh? If only he'd said something sooner once he had realised the condos were all too big for him, but Hisoka had been too caught-up in the sheer bedazzlement and luxury of each one to notice until they were seated in the car again. And tomorrow it was back to the grind for him as well... quite a few of his projects were still unfinished, the deadline looming over him. Returning to the nightmare ball gown would have been easier with a few orgasms to motivate him. Ugh, how disappointing.

Maybe he needed to remind Illumi of his priorities. Sex first. Sugar-daddy niceties after.

A few minutes later, Illumi parked his car in a neat underground car park sitting at the bottom of an impressively tall building in the city centre, its facade mostly consisting of mirrored glass. After passing the parking attendant, who was sporting a uniform, Hisoka's jaw almost hit the floor when he saw the types of cars that were parked there. It looked like a Need For Speed selection screen. On Illumi's family name alone, there were three more parking spaces next to the one he'd just filled, each and every one holding a more impressive sports car. The other inhabitants had a similar collection to show.

Still wide-eyed, Hisoka followed Illumi to the elevator, one that actually had to be activated with a chip attached to his key-chain. There was pleasant music playing on the way up and, having caught himself somewhat, Hisoka quickly fixed his hair and applied a new coat of gloss to his lips, looking at the floor to ceiling mirror. He noticed Illumi smile at that and gave him a cheeky wink. He thought he saw that promising dark glint for a moment but then the elevator came to a stop and Illumi made a polite motion for Hisoka to exit first. He did.

They entered a spacious, carpeted corridor featuring three doors, two on the far ends, and one right in front. The ambience reminded Hisoka of a hotel, only it was much nicer and cleaner than anything he'd ever stayed in. After unlocking the door right across the elevator with another swipe of a chip and a number code, Illumi opened it for Hisoka, who took a step inside.

“Welcome to my home.” What greeted him immediately checked all the boxes of what he had struggled to find in the other condos. It was roomy and high-ceilinged, yes. But it also looked homey. Cosy somehow, and lived in, yet impressively clean. It didn't seem so empty and soulless – maybe because Hisoka knew someone was living here. It still oozed luxury in every corner. Illumi took off his shoes by the entrance, so Hisoka did the same. Sweet, sweet relief. His feet were killing him. He refrained from rubbing his soles and heels. The spotless, cream-coloured rug starting beyond the tiled entrance area looked like it appreciated shoeless feet for sure. He took in the space he currently stood in.

A closet embedded in the wall held some light jackets, all of them neatly hung on coat hooks. Hisoka's gaze lingered on the pristine, polished shoes standing in tidy rows on the shelf by the door. There was a single family picture on the dresser. An old one, judging from Illumi's hair length. Hisoka didn't keep looking for long enough to see the other people in it. Next to it, a calendar, which was completely empty, safe for names in certain spaces. Birthdays perhaps?

Illumi put a gentle hand to the small of Hisoka's back, nudging him on. “Go on, take a look around.”

And that was all the encouragement he needed. The grin returned to his face. “Don't mind if I do~”

Hisoka started exploring, completely unashamed of opening doors in a condo that wasn't his. A generous corridor gave way to the living room, tinted in the warm, glowing oranges and reds of a still-setting sun, coming in through panorama windows on two sides. Lavish, stone-grey couches with patterned throw pillows on them framed a low glass table, not a single smudge on it. A huge television sat mounted atop a gas fireplace, and through the glass doors on the far end of the lofty area, Hisoka could see a huge terrace; firepit, infinity pool and seating area included. On the other side of the living room sat an open kitchen. Illumi was currently fixing them drinks, rummaging around in the double-sided fridge.

Hisoka kept venturing. A good few feet behind the couches, two decorative bookshelves framed the entrance to yet another corridor, leading to three more rooms.

Hisoka opened the first door. The master bedroom. Kept in shades of green and gold, it was tastefully furnished with a velvet accent chair in one corner, complete with a footrest and side table, heavy-looking curtains, a beautiful round window and a king-sized bed. Within the room, Hisoka spotted two other doors – one led to a bathroom with the biggest tub Hisoka had ever seen, the other gave way to an impressively well-stocked walk-in-closet. No wonder Illumi always looked so gorgeous. He glanced out to the bed again, pursed his lips as he listened for the other man in the kitchen, and upon hearing the clinking of ice cubes hitting a glass, he snuck over to Illumi's sleeping space, pulling the night stand drawer open. He had fully expected to find a few sex toys. Or his collar. Instead he was greeted by a notepad with writing so messy he couldn’t discern it, a phone charger, and two separate prescription pill bottles. Hisoka raised his brows and closed the drawer again on reflex. He chewed his lips for a moment. Then he opened it again and gave the pill bottles a once-over, taking a picture of the drug name with his phone, before stashing everything away again in its rightful place and closing the drawer for good.

Giving the bed a final, longing look – and wondering where Illumi kept his sex toys hidden – Hisoka went on to the next room.

That one, Illumi was apparently using as an office space. There wasn't so much interesting to see here, just stacks of papers on a huge desk, a laptop, a printer, a daybed that looked completely untouched, yadda yadda. Hisoka quickly lost interest in that room and left again.

And finally, at the end of the hallway sat another, slightly smaller bathroom. And in this case, “slightly smaller” meant big enough for a rain shower slash steam room, and about quadruple the size of Hisoka's bathroom. Must have been the “guest bathroom” Illumi had gone on about.

And that was, apparently, the entirety of the condo. It was luxurious alright. But not overwhelmingly so, compared to what he'd seen earlier today. He liked it. Hisoka smiled, set on snooping around more in the bedroom later – he still needed to give the mattress a try. For now he left the spaces behind, walked back to the living room and out onto the balcony. Lush plants prevented every person standing here from peeking at the stressful masses below – or nosy neighbours from seeing what was going on. Hisoka looked around, only to find a canopied staircase – and a private elevator – on the veranda.

He gaped. “You have a second floor??”

“Oh, yes,” Illumi said, in a tone that implied he had forgotten about it up until that very moment, “There are two more bedrooms and another balcony up there.” Illumi joined him outside and handed him a tall glass of iced tea with a slice of fresh peach decoratively stuck on the rim. Hisoka took a sip and almost moaned. It was absolutely delicious. While he took another greedy sip, Illumi continued, “I converted one of the rooms into a gym but I rarely use it these days. Too busy, and the one in the basement is much better equipped anyway.”

Hisoka didn't waste any time to dart up the stairs, finding, as promised, two more rooms, another bathroom (no wonder Illumi thought he needed three), and a balcony that was empty safe for a lone hanging chair and an ashtray with a handful of butts, some of them only half-smoked. The gym equipment that littered one of the rooms didn't even take up half of its space. Oh wow, he'd converted that room, alright. Hisoka tried not to laugh at the sweet irony of a real estate agent apparently being clueless to plan his own space properly. The remaining bedroom was furnished with tasteful basics, and had a beautiful skylight, but looked completely unused.

Hisoka pursed his lips and tapped his fingers on the door frame as his brain suddenly sprung into action. He liked it here. Immensely. Feeling bold, he decided to push his luck – and test the extent of Illumi's generosity a little more.

“Illumi?”

“Yes?”

“What if I said that this would be perfect for me?”

“This condo?”

“Mhm. This space up here for me, the space down there for you. And all of that space for the both of us.”

Illumi's face didn't change upon hearing the proposition. He hummed and took a sip of his drink, then leaned on the other side of the door frame, looking into the unused bedroom. Hisoka saw him growing fond of the idea already. And rightfully so. It was a fantastic suggestion, after all.

Illumi wouldn't have to spend extra money on things Hisoka wouldn't even have use for, while Hisoka still got an upgrade on his living space, and a studio space, and the soaking tub Illumi kept going on about. But what he liked best about it was that they could play whenever they wanted, whenever their schedules spontaneously aligned without nasty planning and commute time getting in the way. The list of advantages still went on. The city centre was relatively close to campus, even on foot. And they would still have their separate spaces, so even in the unlikely event of them getting sick of each other, they could easily avoid running into one another in this huge condo. It really checked all of the boxes.

“It's a good idea,” Illumi eventually agreed.

Hisoka grinned, mischief and pride mingling in his voice. “Isn't it?”

“When would you want to move in?” Always so forward and eager. Very good. Hisoka thought he heard all of the life coaches scream in unison about how everything Illumi and he did was too rash and crazy, and the notion made him grin even more.

“How about I give the space a first test-run tonight? If you don't mind me staying.”

Illumi had a discreet smile on his lips and took another sip of his drink. “I don't. Please, make yourself at home.” His wristwatch beeped and he checked the time in a fluid motion. “But I still have to work.”

Hisoka was a second too slow to hide his disappointed pout as Illumi looked at him again. “Speaking of which... You're going to join me.”

“Huh?”

“Don't think I forgot about you misbehaving a few days ago.”

Hisoka rediscovered his glee all of a sudden, the bratty grin coming back at full force. “Guilty as charged~” he drawled. The other man fixed him in place with his eyes before downing the rest of his drink and turning.

Illumi walked back to the staircase, his voice laden with promise. “I came up with a way we could have a session and a stream without me having to compromise my work.” Oh? As if hypnotised already, Hisoka followed him down.

Upon re-entering the living room, Illumi gave him a promising look over his shoulder and said, “Let's see how quiet you can really be.”

-

About thirty minutes later, the lock clicked into place. The familiar weight and pressure of the collar made all the stress of the day fall away from him. Hisoka looked down at Illumi standing in front of him, pocketing the tiny key. Sometimes he completely forgot that the other man was a few inches smaller than him, his commandeering aura giving off a different impression. Or maybe it was the collar that made Hisoka feel small in the best way.

“Listen closely, this is how it's going to be tonight...” With no hesitation, Illumi dipped his fingers below the hem of Hisoka's crop top, pushing it up and over his head. “The stream is going to be silent. No microphones on our part, as I will be calling clients, and I don't want any of the sensitive information out there. I will mute the computer speakers as well. Neither of us will moderate or interact with the audience. It will be like it's just you and me, but they can watch.” Ooh, kinky. Upon hearing all of that, Hisoka couldn't help but blush. He also couldn't help but grin. His dom had the most delicious ideas, he had to give him that.

Illumi looked him in the eye as he fumbled with Hisoka's belt, none of his movements uncoordinated. “You will be there for me to use however I want, understood? To make work a little more bearable.”

“Yes, Sir.” 

“Good.” Illumi slipped Hisoka's belt out of its loops in one swift motion. Being systematically stripped like this by someone else instead of stripping himself was new for him – but not in a bad way, no. Hisoka was transfixed by the man's attention on him.

“And Hisoka?” Illumi opened the button, then the fly of Hisoka's pants, and pushed them down over his wide hips. Hisoka stepped out of them, careful not to get stuck and trip.

“Yes?”

“I need you to not make a sound while I'm on the phone. Can you do that?” 

Hisoka's grin faltered a little, and he hesitated for a moment. Could he do that? Lying to Illumi while they were playing wasn't the best idea, he knew very well by now. Letting out his voice had always been a big part for him during sex, being a performer and all; it was half of the fun. And he was a screamer. He was pretty sure he'd even been loud while gagged. On top of that, he didn't know what exactly Illumi would do to him today. If pain-play was involved, he sure as hell couldn't be quiet.

After a moment of consideration, Hisoka finally said, “I'm not sure, Sir. I'm sorry.” Illumi's black eyes snapped from his underwear – today he was wearing a thong that was more a compilation of suggestive strings than actual fabric – up to look directly at him. To Hisoka's surprise, he smiled.

“Let's find a way that works for you then, and we'll go from there.” Illumi casually slipped something out of his back pocket and after a soft click, Hisoka suddenly found himself leashed. His heart missed a beat.

As he was still trying to process what the hell had just happened, he felt a tug on his collar. “Come.” Stunned, Hisoka followed, his eyes a little wider than before. Illumi took a seat on the couch. Hisoka saw that the stream was already up and running, the laptop showing the chat and the feeds sitting behind Illumi's sleek work notebook.

While he had prepared himself in one of the bathrooms and touched up his makeup, Illumi had used the meantime to set everything up. He was surprisingly well-equipped, technology-wise, as if he himself had been streaming for years. Tonight there were two cameras, one showing the sofa from the front and another from the side. Nice angles, too. Illumi had put up a disclaimer on screen that informed the audience there was no audio today, and that they needn't worry about their speakers or headphones being broken. It was all part of the theme.

Besides the streaming equipment, Hisoka saw a bottle of lube, Illumi's phone, a notepad and a pen, some documents, and a tiny headset to be worn on one ear sitting on the glass table. He noticed the absence of a particular item and smiled to himself. No gloves today.

Hisoka saw the chat picking up its pace as soon as Illumi entered the frame. Said man grabbed a bunch of throw pillows from the couch, spread his legs and laid them on the floor between his feet. He pointed to the little cushioned place of honour and gave a small tug to the leash again. “Kneel.”

Illumi shouldn't have been able to make his heart race like that with so little words, Hisoka thought, but he obeyed, and gingerly climbed into the space between the other man's legs as if he'd done so a million times before. He'd imagined making him kneel would take a lot more persuasion, maybe even a little violence, yet nothing in his mind resisted when the command had come from Illumi. Once he'd sunk all the way down, Hisoka didn't know where to put his hands, so he shot a questioning look Illumi's way.

After having taken him in for a moment, Illumi slowly wound the excess length of the leash around his palm a few times. He tilted his head and said, “You can touch my legs up to here,” he tapped his hips, once, twice, “however you want today.” Hisoka's eyes widened, as the area he was allowed to touch technically also included the space between Illumi's legs and his ass. He bit his lip in order to stifle another grin.

“Thank you, Sir.” He put his hands on Illumi's thighs, spread his fingers to feel the firmness, and wiggled in a bit closer. Illumi pushed a hand into his red locks and Hisoka immediately lifted his head and stilled his hands on instinct.

“You will stay quiet for as long as you can and for as long as I tell you to. If you ever think you cannot maintain that state any longer, give my legs a squeeze. It will be the equivalent of a yellow light. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good. Do you remember your non-verbal safeword?”

Rapid blinking or three hard squeezes. Hisoka nodded, repeating the affirmative.

“One last thing.” Illumi lifted Hisoka's face. “Since we both won't be able to verbally communicate for most of the stream...” He raised his hand, and slowly tapped his fingers to his own chin. Again, once, twice. Hisoka listened very closely. “This is your signal that I'm giving you permission to touch whichever area I tap.” Eyes glued to the area he'd just been allowed to interact with, Hisoka barely kept from gasping. Illumi was feeling generous today, it seemed. But there was also a lot on the line. Still, not knowing how long this particular streak of magnanimity would last, he couldn't pass this up. Tentatively, Hisoka leaned in, and grazed Illumi's chin with the tips of his fingers, and then his lips. He earned a pleased hum in return, which made his heart dance. “Accordingly...” Illumi had dropped his voice into a whisper, “a single tap means stop or no. Does this work for you?”

Hisoka breathed out an equally soft, “Yes, Sir,” and Illumi nodded.

“Repeat all of the rules to me.”

Hisoka stayed close, his eyes half-lidded. “No noises while you're on the phone. You're to use me however you please for as long as you want. I have to give a warning with a squeeze if I think I cannot stay quiet. I am allowed to touch your legs up to your hips, and the area can be expanded or restricted with hand signs from you. Two taps mean yes please, one tap means no.” He raised his gaze to meet Illumi's black eyes.

“Very good.” Hisoka smiled at the praise. “Are you ready to start the session?”

“Yes, Sir,” Hisoka said enthusiastically.

And then, just like that, Illumi sharply tugged on the leash and kissed him. Breath caught in his throat, and completely taken by surprise, Hisoka barely caught himself before moaning, loudly, against the other man's mouth. He quickly suppressed the noise and opened his lips for Illumi as his tongue first slid along and then pushed past his teeth. Despite being mostly naked already, Hisoka quickly grew hot and his hands slid up Illumi's legs, trying to find a place to tether himself.

He considered himself to be a good kisser, but by god, Illumi's kisses were something else. The downright hungry way he moved his lips and tongue had Hisoka half-hard within a few seconds. He couldn't remember the last time someone had kissed him like that, had so unabashedly shown their raw desire with no concern about whether or not it was too much too quickly, and had done it so well. Hisoka knew he was going to be completely devoured, and he wouldn't even try to resist it happening. 

With his breath hot on Hisoka's lips, Illumi tilted his head to deepen the kiss, before dragging the tip of his tongue along the other man's bottom lip and then catching it between his teeth. He was about to bite down hard. Oh fuck--

Hisoka quickly gave Illumi's thighs a squeeze, and just like that, his dom backed off a few inches, leaving his mouth a little bruised, and a needy sound stuck in his throat again. Illumi looked at him with calm, dark eyes, and slightly reddened lips, and Hisoka already felt out of breath from a single kiss.

But he had successfully done it: Not a single noise. He smiled a little, and Illumi smiled back in his own, subdued way.

Then he took his phone from the table and leaned back. Ah, so it had been a test to see if this would actually work out, hm? Hisoka sat back on his haunches and brushed a finger along his lips while Illumi dialled, the tingly feeling still vibrant in his gut. Illumi held the phone to his ear and then picked up a conversation in his customer service voice a short while later, his gaze never leaving Hisoka's face.

“Good evening, Misses Dupont, it's Illumi Zoldyck. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. If you're not too busy, could I steal a moment of your time?” His hand brushed through Hisoka's hair again, long fingers spreading along his scalp. “Thank you. I wanted to check in about the offer in Spring Valley and tell you that-...”, his voice sounded completely unaffected, nonchalant. Polite and appropriate. As if there wasn't currently a collared and leashed, half-naked, half-hard man sitting between his legs looking up at him with shamelessly lustful eyes. 

Hisoka leaned his cheek onto Illumi's leg and watched him navigate the call. He traced fingers along Illumi's inner thigh, up towards the point where his legs joined his hip. Feeling brave, Hisoka dragged the sharp nail of his thumb along the zipper of his pants. Without stumbling over his words or missing a beat, Illumi suddenly offered Hisoka his fingers, causing his eyes to go round.

His gaze flickered between Illumi's black eyes and his held-out hand, and then he moved towards it, parting his lips a little. The soft finger pads found his lips, brushing along them for a while, almost in worship. Hisoka closed his eyes and opened wider, and Illumi didn't hesitate to push his fingers inside of his hot, wet mouth.

Hisoka made a tiny, breathless noise at the back of his throat, the pure want audible even in that. Illumi's fingers glided along the velvet of his tongue, pushing deep, forcing Hisoka to open his mouth wider, and wider still, to accommodate the intrusion. His brows knitted as Illumi pulled his fingers back and then pushed them deep again, finding a rhythm that quickly caused the entire seam of Hisoka's mouth to become a spit-slick mess. It took the entirety of his willpower to suppress his moans, but the thought of all of this being over the second he made a noise forced him to remain quiet. He wanted to keep this going for as long as possible.

Illumi added another finger, now three moving in and out at a steady pace, and all the while he was still calmly conversing on the phone. Hisoka's palms found the back of Illumi's calves, brushing his thumbs along the fabric of his suit.

He began moving and tilting his head along with the fingers, actively sucking and tonguing along the digits, the little element of danger and restraint doing wonders for his brain, riling him up with something that was usually considered quite tame by his standards. Already, this was feeling more exciting than any blowjob he'd ever given. Still deep in conversation, Illumi brushed his thumb along his cheek, and Hisoka became aware of how hot his face felt.

“Thank you so much, Misses Dupont, I will let the owners know about your offer. I'm sure you will come to an agreement. You will hear of me again soon. Have a pleasant evening, goodbye.” Illumi hung up, wrote down a number on his notepad and then immediately re-dialled.

Hisoka allowed himself to open his eyes again and looked back at the other man. Illumi's calm demeanour stood in stark contrast to his fingers still massaging along his tongue with unmistakable intent. Their eyes met, and Illumi pushed the fingers deep all of a sudden, almost up to the knuckles. Hisoka flinched and swallowed another noise, barely keeping from gagging, his hands on Illumi's pants shaking but not squeezing. His eyes watered a little.

Illumi leaned in, watching Hisoka's reactions closely while never ceasing the movement of his fingers. His eyes held the same expression as if watching a piece of art with utter fascination. Only it was alive and breathing, and slowly falling apart. His eyelids lowered marginally. Hisoka's cheeks burned under the scrutiny of his gaze and with the exertion of keeping his jaw slack and welcoming, but he couldn't look away.

Use me more.

He wanted Illumi to see how much he could take. How well he could behave if he wanted to. He would earn whatever his dom had to offer tonight.

Illumi stayed close, but once again held up the phone to his ear and soon started another conversation, this time in perfect Japanese. Almost casually, he shifted one of his feet and pressed his sole up against Hisoka's clothed erection. Hisoka almost bit down in surprise and couldn't help but buck his hips against the pressure, quickly realising the sensation would definitely make him moan. Shaking, and battling down his inner brat who didn't care about punishment, his sensible side finally won out, and his hands gave another squeeze.

Both the fingers and the pressure of the foot immediately left his body. A string of saliva was pulled from his lips as Illumi withdrew his hand.

Breathing heavily, Hisoka buckled over, pressing his forehead against Illumi's knee.

No, this wasn't enough yet.

He wanted more.

He needed more.

But he couldn't afford more if he wanted to stay quiet.

Illumi had once again found a way to drive him insane – Hisoka could give in to his wants and break the rules; or he could oblige, restrain himself, and therefore potentially endlessly postpone his own release while Illumi got to play with him in any way he wanted. The man had actually tricked him into edging himself this time.

Ah, how cruel...

There was a soft tug on the leash. Warily, Hisoka lifted his head and immediately went wide-eyed again as he saw Illumi opening the upper buttons of his shirt. It was the first sliver of naked skin he'd ever let him see. Hisoka felt like a Victorian virgin seeing a bared wrist for the first time because his heart all but jumped out of his chest over it. He didn't waste a single thought on how ridiculous of a reaction that was to being treated to a view of someone's upper body, and not even all of it. Instead, all of his attention zeroed in on the perfect skin in front of him.

An amused smile played on Illumi's lips upon seeing Hisoka's reaction. His voice remained unaffected, the chat on the phone never faltering or slowing in any way. Mesmerised, Hisoka watched Illumi lift his fingers and tap his bare collarbone. Once, twice.

You have my permission.

He momentarily forgot how to breathe. It seemed to become the norm around Illumi.

Slowly, he pushed himself up onto his knees, keeping his hands on Illumi's legs as he did, and leaned in, trying to move as quietly as possible. He saw Illumi's pulse beat below the milky skin of his neck – slow and steady – and dropped his gaze to the defined collarbone waiting for him. He couldn't recall if any of the many bodies he'd encountered over the course of his very colourful sex life had ever made him feel so... excited – Nervous. Giddy. Horny. – as that small area of exposed skin now had him. He'd think about why that was later. Or maybe he wouldn't.

Feeling almost shy, Hisoka searched Illumi's eyes one last time, as if asking if this was really okay – it sure as hell felt forbidden and thrilling – to which the other man only gave another tug of the lead and resumed his conversation on the phone. He even did Hisoka the favour of looking away, which helped a little bit. But the absence of the intense black eyes only made the inviting tilt of his head and the way he downright presented his throat to Hisoka take the frontmost row of said man's attention.

Illumi gave an irresistible picture.

So, in spite of his racing heartbeat, Hisoka slowly closed the distance, brushing his lips along Illumi's skin as if savouring a priceless dessert. The first touch was absolutely electrifying, the sensation reaching every corner of his body. He took a shivering inhale. Illumi smelled so damn good. And not just the fragrance he wore – he had his own, natural, heady scent to him, that did nothing but lure Hisoka in further.

A hand immediately found its way into his hair, brushing through the strands, encouraging him to come closer. So Hisoka opened his mouth with a barely audible gasp, let his eyes fall shut, and began kissing along the warm flesh.

He started sucking, still tentatively. Illumi leaned his head to the side more, his fingers massaging along Hisoka's scalp in a silent invitation. His voice didn't shift one bit, and once again it was driving Hisoka up the wall with want.

Gradually, he became lost in the sensations, his hands running along Illumi's legs, up to his hips, while his lips marked the hard line of his collarbone with deeply red and purple bruises. Completely drunk on how good he felt, how warm and smooth Illumi was on his lips, how much of him he was currently allowed to touch, the excitement caused Hisoka to shoot his caution into the wind.

More, more...

Letting out a small breath, his lips started exploring, up, against Illumi's pulse, to just below his ear, and he parted his lips again, ready to lick and suck, before a hard pull on the leash yanked him back.

Hisoka almost lost his balance over it, but caught himself on the cushions, peeled himself from Illumi's front and looked up. The black eyes fixed him in place as Illumi lowered the phone, screen gone black. His voice had dropped an octave when he spoke next, and it made Hisoka shiver.

“I didn't give you permission for my neck.” Hisoka hadn't even heard him end the call, too caught up in the warmth of his skin and his scent. He opened his mouth to give the automatic apology, but before he could, his head flew to the side, the sting indicating he had just been slapped. Dumbfounded and eyes gone wide again, he lifted a hand to his throbbing cheek.

“Don't break another rule. Not a sound.”

Another pull on the lead, bringing him close again, and the foot pushed against his front, harder than before. As he felt the wetness of the precum being smeared onto his skin with the pressure, Hisoka pressed his lips into a hard line, stifling a moan.

He tried his best to communicate a voiceless 'I'm sorry, Sir' with his eyes. Then he offered his other cheek to slap.

Illumi actually hesitated for a moment.

After staring at him for a second, he lifted his foot and made a quiet sound – Hisoka thought of it as pleased – then he leaned in, leaving a kiss on Hisoka's jaw before whispering into his ear in a sharp tone.

“Behave yourself. I know you can.” He straightened, and fixed the tiny headset to his ear while extending his free hand. “Lube.”

Heart caught in his throat, his mind torn between the pain, the slight praise, and the strict command, Hisoka turned and took the lube off the table, catching his reddened cheekbone and the fleeting chat and stream of donations on screen.

When he turned again, Illumi had already picked up another conversation, polite business voice back in full effect while asking some other rich guy about his golfing trip on the weekend, and how his kids were doing, and if he was going to Bali this summer again, before slowly steering the talk towards the real estate part. No wonder Illumi sometimes worked more than eighteen hours a day, if that amount of small talk was always involved.

Hisoka dutifully placed the lube in Illumi's upturned palm.

Uncapping the bottle, Illumi nodded at his own lap and Hisoka's breath hitched for the hundredth time. His cheek was still stinging from the slap, so he was careful not to put his hands anywhere he wasn't supposed to, and consequently elicit another one, while he slowly climbed into the other man's lap. Before he could sit down, Illumi tapped his shoulder to get his attention, and then pointed a line across his lap and the cushions.

Not like this. Lay down.

Hisoka felt his face grow hot, arousal bubbling up in his stomach, his dick rock-hard and pressed against his own body. Already, there was a wet spot staining the tiny piece of fabric. His gaze lingered on Illumi's – notably gloveless – hands, imagining how fantastic his fingers would feel inside of him, given how good they had felt in his mouth.

Suddenly very eager to oblige, he shifted to the side, easing himself right across Illumi's legs so his upper body was cushioned on the pillows, and his ass slightly elevated in the other man's lap. He made sure to arch his back in the way he knew looked irresistible and inviting – not for the audience, just for his dom. Hisoka heard the quiet, watery squelch of the lube behind him and dared to shoot a look over his shoulder. Illumi dragged his dry hand along the back of Hisoka's thighs, over his firm ass and the curve of his back in an almost worshipping manner, and then once again wrapped the excess leash around his palm.

While miraculously keeping the conversation alive on the phone, he casually pushed Hisoka's thong aside and massaged lubed fingers over his entrance. Hisoka bit his lip and pushed his forehead against the cushions. There was no way he was going to be able to keep quiet. Knuckles of Illumi's one hand brushed his shoulder, and then, on the other, the first finger pushed inside. Hisoka opened his mouth to inhale sharply, and his hands flew out above his head, grabbing the first pillow he could reach and pushing his face into it, muting a feeble moan.

He broke out into a sweat. Illumi gave him two gracious seconds before there was another tug on the leash, and Hisoka was forced to lift his face again, the pressure of the pull on his throat almost causing his collar to choke him.

Unperturbed, Illumi moved the finger, and his indifference about his struggle, the outright way of showing him he would be used like this was the hottest thing Hisoka had ever come across. Feeling another moan coming, his hand scrambled for Illumi's leg and squeezed weakly. His head fell back onto the pillow as the leash suddenly gave way. He allowed himself to whine, and luckily the sound was completely muffled by the cushion.

As he was still trying to catch his breath, he suddenly became aware of how Illumi was in the process of withdrawing his finger as well. Moving quickly, Hisoka grabbed his wrist on reflex, halting his movements.

Without asking for permission.

Immediately aware of his mistake, and just as alarmed, he let go, and shot a careful glance over his shoulder. Illumi's light tone of voice betrayed the darkness that had just overtaken his eyes. Hisoka swallowed.

There was a tug on the leash so sharp that it knocked the breath out of his lungs, and then suddenly, two of Illumi's fingers shoved back inside, and deep. Hisoka actually jumped. He quickly covered his mouth with his hands, biting his own skin, killing the groan in his throat as best as he could while Illumi started fingerfucking him at a brutal pace. He kept curling his fingers ever so often in the most agonisingly dizzying way.

Hisoka had to concentrate all of his efforts on staying quiet – but his pulse in his own ears drowned out every other sound and made it difficult to discern if he wasn't already hopelessly failing at that. Gasping pathetically, and not really getting any air because of the collar being pulled taut, Hisoka's hips helplessly rocked against the other man's lap – his arousal already threatening to boil over.

He was going to come. And he was going to scream when he did. Fuck, fuck, FUCK.

As he reached back to signal another yellow light, Hisoka suddenly heard a clatter coming from the area of the table. Before he could look over to see what it was, he felt a kiss to his shoulder, and the leash went slack again. The fingers ceased their movement.

“I'm done with work.” Still catching his breath, and with wet eyes, Hisoka slowly turned his head to look at the other man. He had enough sense left in him to keep quiet, knowing he had already twice broken the rules during this session. 

Holding his gaze, Illumi started moving his fingers again, more slowly this time. Almost gentle. Hisoka barely kept from whimpering, his eyes falling shut again. 

“Though I'm not sure I'm done using you. With you misbehaving and all of that...” Illumi made a thoughtful sound, as if contemplating something. “Can you keep quiet a little longer for me?”

No fucking way he could wait. Hisoka shook his head. He rolled his hips against Illumi's legs once more, and then back against his fingers, trying to make him understand how freaking hard he was, how large the precum stain had already grown, how much his entire body was shaking. But he just heard a slight chuckle behind him. 

“No? Hm. Let me help you then. Strip and sit up.” Illumi withdrew his fingers entirely and Hisoka couldn't help but whine over the loss. He pushed his underwear off of his body, and then himself onto his hands and knees. He came up to find Illumi pointing at his lap again. “Sit right here. Facing me.”

Hisoka climbed onto Illumi's lap, and this time he was allowed to sit down.

“If you can not keep quiet I want to at least watch you while you fall apart. So be sure to give me a good show.”

Hisoka nodded – because what the fuck else was he supposed to do? – and Illumi suddenly reached back down between their bodies to push three fingers inside of him. Hisoka gasped and almost knocked his forehead against Illumi's as he dropped his head forward. As the other man didn't move his fingers, Hisoka carefully began rolling his hips, riding them instead. He heard a pleased hum next to his ear, and, taking it as approval of his actions, allowed himself to find a rhythm and an angle he liked.

Aware of the fact he hadn't been given permission to touch Illumi's shoulders, but feeling the need to tether himself somewhere, he reached back to steady himself on Illumi's knees.

Black eyes watched him move, raking up and down his exposed body, and Hisoka felt a tinge of shyness overtaking him, so he averted his eyes.

“No,” Illumi chided almost immediately, “Look at me.” Hisoka breathed out a humiliated whine and blinked over at him, and Illumi held his gaze with that infuriating calmness of his. He curled the fingers against his prostate, making Hisoka flinch and lose his rhythm briefly. Illumi's other hand suddenly found his leaking cock, leash still wrapped around his palm, and finally, Hisoka moaned. His eyes fell shut with it, and he leaned his head back, bucking up into the loose fist. Being allowed to make noises gave him a heady feeling. So good.

“There is your voice again... now, make good use of it. What do we say?”

“T-thank you, Sir...” he pressed out, and forced himself to look at Illumi again as he did. The dark smile he received made him shudder and whine but he didn’t dare look away again.

“Keep going.”

“Yes– yes, Sir.”

Hisoka rode his fingers, while fucking himself with Illumi's fist. Finally having the permission to moan, he quickly reached the point where his hips shook and his toes started to curl. Illumi noticed and squeezed his tip.

“Please-...” A gasp cut off Hisoka’s voice, as the other man had leaned in and dragged his tongue across his nipple.

“Yes?” Illumi’s breath felt hot against the wet skin. Hisoka groaned and shivered as Illumi kissed the sensitive spot.

“I'm so close, please-... ah--” A warm, wet swirl of the tongue along his nipple again. “Can I come...?” Illumi thumbed his slit, smearing the precum along his shaft, and tightening his fist around him. “Please, Sir...!”

“Mm. You can.” Illumi leaned back and withdrew his hand, the one holding the leash. “Touch yourself.”

Hisoka did his best to straighten, a breathless “Thank you, Sir,” tumbling from his lips. Another curl of the fingers inside of him made him wince, and he took himself in hand. Finding back to his previous rhythm, he actively started chasing his climax now, keeping most of his hand's attention to his tip, just the way he liked it, and it didn't take long until he felt that white-hot, blinding heat bubbling up within himself. Illumi watched him with rapt attention.

“Good?”

“Yes-- … yes...!” He nodded, and heard an amused hum in turn.

“So needy…” 

His cheeks burning, Hisoka aligned the movement of his hand to the thrusts of Illumi's fingers, the timing of the soft pads pressing against his prostate perfectly matching the strokes on his cock. Just a little more–

Illumi suddenly leaned in, and with teeth grazing his nipple, Hisoka found himself gasping, clenching and spilling into his own hand a moment later.

He shook like a leaf for what must have been close to a minute, almost losing his balance on the other man's lap. Illumi's mouth didn't leave his chest all throughout his orgasm – Hisoka was sure he could feel his heart hammering within – nor did his fingers stop moving, and the hand holding the leash found its place on his trembling thighs.

Illumi slowed the rhythm of his fingers only as he noticed Hisoka gradually coming down from his high, and closely watched his face as the pleasure rippled across his features.

He sank back down and sighed, blissed out. Feeling the intensity of those black eyes on him, Hisoka, thoughtlessly, found himself asking, “Can you please kiss me again?” 

His brain caught up so quickly that his stomach actually dropped. 

What the fuck had he just said...? 

He blinked his wet eyes open to find Illumi looking at him blankly. 

Unable to discern the emotion in the stare, Hisoka swallowed, feeling very vulnerable all of a sudden. Where the hell had that come from? That sappy bullshit wasn't like him at all. He averted his eyes and laughed, starting to move off the other man's lap, “Nevermind, I-”

Illumi took his face in his hands and kissed him, pulling him fully back into his previous position.

“You should ask more often for what you want...” he whispered against his lips, “You'd be surprised by how often you get it.” Before Hisoka could answer, Illumi had dived in and sealed their lips again. 

One of his hands ventured down, along the collar and then further, caressing Hisoka's chest and then his sides. He found his clean hand and guided it onto his own shoulder. He tapped it once, twice, for good measure, so Hisoka understood he was allowed to touch. As soon as he was given permission, Hisoka held on as he leaned more into the kiss. He all but melted into it.

His cheeks were hot again. He told himself it was just a lingering effect of his orgasm. Not because of the shame over the fact that he had just begged to get another kiss like a lovestruck teenager.

Everything was cool. Everything was fine. He still had the collar on, after all. He was allowed to be weak and submissive whenever he wore it, right? There was nothing to it. Nothing at all. It was all part of their game. And Illumi was just an exceptionally good kisser.

And yet... 

His dom's hand gently holding his face while he brushed their mouths together had Hisoka's head swimming. It was all far too sweet for the filth they had had going on a few minutes ago. It made his heartbeat race far more than it had any right to. 

He didn't understand why. 

With that confusing mix of feelings and sensations threatening to overwhelm him in a way that was far from sexy or funny, Hisoka suddenly moved away, squirming out of Illumi's hold and his kiss. The other man blinked at him in surprise.

“I... thank you, Sir,” he said, breathless, not feeling the words at all. Illumi eyed him long enough for Hisoka to fear there would be a follow-up question, another tug on the leash and another kiss that felt too soft. 

But instead, Illumi's calm hands picked up his phone, sending a donation, and then ended the stream with the press of a few buttons on the laptop. 

He returned his attention to Hisoka, unhooked the leash and then retrieved the small key to open the collar. There was a crushing moment of silence.

“I'm sorry for touching you without permission earlier,” Hisoka said as the weight and pressure was lifted from his neck. He thought it was important to keep on top of the conversation for now, to speak first. To avoid unnecessary questions.

“Thank you for apologising. I know it wasn't on purpose at that moment,” Illumi responded, and then immediately implored, “How do you feel?” Well, that plan hadn't worked out for very long, had it? But he'd find a way to not answer the question. Hisoka looked down at the mess he'd made of his own body, as well as parts of Illumi's suit, and he grinned. 

“Filthy in the best way, I'd say,” he quipped.

“I'll run you a bath.”

“Ever the gentleman. Thank you~” He moved off of Illumi's lap as the other man rose to standing. Hisoka thought he'd have a few minutes to himself, to sort through that myriad of thoughts that currently clouded his mind, but instead found himself staring at an extended hand from Illumi. “Uh-”

“You'll come with me. I'm not leaving you alone during aftercare. That could result in quite the opposite of the desired effect.”

“I'm fine, really. We didn't do anything that extreme this time.”

“It's also aftercare for me and it's not up for debate. So come with me, please.” He made a little beckoning motion with his fingers, so, utterly disarmed, Hisoka shut his mouth and took Illumi's hand, rising to his feet as well, and followed the other man to the master bathroom.

-

Illumi hadn't lied. That soaking tub was a piece of paradise. Hisoka sunk back in the steaming water and the bubbles, already feeling the tension bleed from him. The full day of being on his feet, and then the full evening of being on his knees now slammed into him in the form of sheer and utter exhaustion, but the pleasant embrace of the hot water made it bearable. Illumi had added a few drops of lavender oil, and was currently in the process of searching the cabinets above the sinks.

“I'm sorry,” he said eventually.

Hisoka looked over. “What for?”

“I don't think I have something to adequately replace your skin care products.” Hisoka blinked and then chuckled.

“Show me what you have.” Illumi presented him with a few products. Of course they were all high-class, and of course Illumi wouldn't realise just how high-class they were because someone had probably picked them out for him. Judging from his offensively clear skin, they did their job just fine. “I think I'll survive,” Hisoka said with a half smile. “Would you do the me honour?”

Illumi nodded and pulled up a stool, wetting an expensive looking makeup remover pad, and then lathering it with washing lotion. He was still wearing his stained suit, and apparently completely fine with it. Hisoka caught the deeply red marks littering his collarbone, and he shifted, slightly.

“Why don't you join me for that? In here, I mean.” Illumi looked at him. “It's big enough for the two of us,” Hisoka shrugged.

“Alright. Hold this.” And just like that, Illumi gave Hisoka the cloth, stood up and started stripping. 

He wasn't very sexy or sensual about it, he simply got straight to the point, and still, Hisoka found himself staring. His eyes dragged along the toned expanse of Illumi's chest, the pinkish, pale top surgery scars framing the underside of his pecs. He was less muscular than Hisoka in general, but in no way meagre or scrawny, no. He sat more on the athletic side of the spectrum, with long limbs, and having a well-defined physique that almost made him look like a Greek statue. Hisoka leaned his cheek onto the edge of the tub and allowed himself to leer a bit, as Illumi turned and put his hair up out of the way. He had a nice ass, too.

Hisoka's eyes widened a bit as Illumi pushed down the last remaining article of clothing – simple black boxer briefs – and saw wetness on the inside of Illumi's thighs catch the light. So he wasn't all immune to their sessions, was he...? Hisoka's mouth watered. How much he'd give to get permission to eat the other man out someday; front or back, he didn't care--

Illumi came up to the tub and lifted one of his feet over the edge, nudging Hisoka's knee underwater. “Close your legs. I'll need a place to sit while I take off your makeup.” 

Grinning broadly, Hisoka hummed and obliged, and Illumi joined him in the bath to take a seat on his lap. Hisoka returned the cloth to him and Illumi started cleaning his face, gently bringing countless freckles to the surface. True to their agreement, Hisoka didn't ask as he rested his hands on Illumi's naked waist and let his thumbs wander a bit.

“This okay?” he mumbled. Illumi hummed in confirmation. A few moments of silence passed.

“Hisoka?”

“Yes?”

“You completely closed yourself off after the second kiss. What happened?”

Even a shit-ton of lavender oil couldn't have kept Hisoka from cringing a bit. He fumbled for a good excuse, but he wasn't wearing the collar, even worse, he wasn't even wearing most of his make up anymore, so there was really no way he could hide from Illumi. Lying to the man was hard, and never a good idea. 

So in a rush of panic, Hisoka's brain hooked onto the first thing that usually got him out of uncomfortable situations: Asking even more uncomfortable counter-questions.

“What are the meds in your bedside table for?” The cloth stopped moving for a second. 

Using this strategy always had a fifty-fifty chance of people getting extremely angry with him or growing defensive and dropping the subject all together. It was a risk Hisoka was willing to take, because both scenarios were guaranteed to result in the original question he had dodged being wholly forgotten.

But Illumi apparently had no interest in fitting in either category. 

There was no anger or affront in his tone as he said, “They're for my anxiety and insomnia,” his voice firm. Hisoka blinked up at the other man. He gave an incredulous laugh, half-convinced it was a joke.

“Your... your what?”

Illumi tipped his head up with a gentle nudge of his fingers. “Stop talking, I don't want to get soap into your mouth.” He cleaned Hisoka's cheeks and his chin with the utmost care. “I've had anxiety ever since I was young. I wasn’t diagnosed until I entered middle school, and then it took a while to find medication that worked well for me. I’m still in therapy.”

Hisoka was stunned into absolute silence. Never in a million years would he have expected Illumi – calm, perfect, put-together Illumi – to have mental health problems.

The other went on, “And I might have been projecting, but,” he rinsed Hisoka's face with clean water, “when we kissed at the end of the session you seemed tense and anxious all of a sudden.”

Hisoka couldn't find any words. His brows knitted against his will. Illumi regarded him with silence for a minute. When he didn't get an answer he shifted slightly on the other man's lap and put the washing cloth aside.

“Hisoka,” he brushed damp hair from his face, “I need you to tell me your limits. And I need you to use your safeword when it gets too much. The collar isn't just a pointer for when we are playing, not just a sign you'll submit to my dominance. It's a promise I'll keep you safe, to not overstep the lines you've shown me. But in order to be able to do so, you need to talk to me. I cannot read your mind.”

Yeah, thank god you can't.

“We've talked about our limits before,” Hisoka mumbled, his head swimming with the new significance the collar had just received. He felt small. And defensive, ironically. “You know them.”

“I just want to make sure. Sometimes they can shift within individual sessions. There is no shame in it.”

“Kissing is not a limit,” Hisoka managed to say. Not because it wasn't. But because he didn't want Illumi to ever stop kissing him. And maybe that was part of the problem – but Hisoka had never been good at denying himself anything he craved. “I liked it, I just...” He laughed, feeling like an idiot, and averted his eyes again. He just what?

No way he could tell Illumi about the slight panic that kiss had left him with. Why had the first one been so hot and the second so-- … “I just didn't expect myself to ask for it like that. I don't, usually. It was quite the surprise.” The statement was close enough to the truth. Hisoka never stayed for any aftercare or cuddling when he slept with someone. For him, kisses were part of the foreplay, a simple means to rile the other person up, make them hungry and eager to get to the good part. They were a wordless invitation for sex. Asking for them after he had already come made no sense to him.

The sessions with Illumi were new in that and every other regard. They made his brain leave the beaten path and sometimes overwrote what he thought he knew about himself and his preferences. His break and crying in the first session, now him begging for a kiss in the second... That was... normal under the circumstances, right? Subspace and all that, he'd read about it before.

Yeah, it was probably that. It had just been a slip-up. After all, he hadn't asked anyone for a kiss since-...

Haha no, no, no, we're not going there. He pushed the memory away and looked up at Illumi, who still patiently waited for him to finish his thoughts.

There were no feelings involved. That's what made it all so easy, so good. Hisoka had put up the rule himself to ensure it.

As his sugar-daddy and dom, Illumi would give him anything he wanted, and Hisoka would become the irresistible, spoiled brat he'd always dreamed of being. There would be amazing sex, a ton of luxuries, and not a care in the world. Nothing less and nothing more. He'd take what he could get for however long this thing may last, and move on unaffected if it ever ended. And with all of that, there was no sense in completely opening himself up. See? Easy.

“It's not a limit,” he repeated and returned to his cocky grin. “You can kiss me whenever you want. You're good at it.”

“Thank you,” Illumi said. “I enjoyed it as well... You're nice to kiss. I wanted to do it for a while,” he confessed. Hisoka's gaze turned lewd.

“Yeah? Was it as good as you'd imagined it?” Hisoka moved his hands down to come to rest on Illumi's thighs. Illumi tilted his head and moved in a bit, leaning his arms on Hisoka's shoulder while fixing him in place with his dark eyes. Their chests touched.

“Yes.” He didn't come closer after that, leaving Hisoka to steal fleeting glances at his lips. Illumi pushed his damp fingers through Hisoka's hair, massaging along his scalp, and causing him to drift a few more inches down into the bubbles with a pleased hum. Their hips perfectly slotted together, and neither of them moved to change that again. 

“Your exams are over after next week, right?” Hisoka heard Illumi ask, definitely not suddenly distracted by the way the other man's weight felt in his lap, and definitely not trying to not get a hard-on over it.

“Yeah...”

“Let's talk about your move then. And let me know if you want any changes made to your rooms upstairs.”

“Well, I already know I want the walls to be pink.”

“I'll get whatever you want.”

Hisoka giggled, fully back to his self-confident comfort now. “Mm~ Thank you.”

Illumi gave a small smile. “It's my pleasure.”

They fell silent again. Hisoka didn't move as Illumi traced freckles on his cheeks, not ever leaning in to kiss him again. Illumi didn't move as Hisoka caressed his legs, thumbs brushing over his inner thighs. And so they stayed, nearly wordless, eyes locked, until the water had gone too cold.

Chapter Text

B-

Hisoka stared at the grading report that was posted in the hallway of his faculty building. He checked the student ID in front, then checked it again. It was his, definitely. With his finger firmly on the paper, he traced the line back to the offending letter.

A, A+, A-, A, A, ...

...B-

That couldn't be. No fucking way. Not for his flower-themed ball gown he'd poured hours upon hours into, not the piece he had risked blisters on his fingers and rigid joints for. He'd just seen the other pieces in the exhibition room, the ones his classmates had handed in, and they were nowhere near his level. Yet the report sitting right in front of him said that more than half of his course had received better grades than him. He scoffed as his mind was set ablaze with fury.

“Ah, Mister Morow. Good morning.” He turned to find his teacher, a tiny lady of maybe fifty years, looking up at him. She made a gesture for him to step back and posted the report for another one of her classes. He didn't greet her back, still staring at his result, anger and frustration searing his insides. She adjusted her glasses and observed him. “You look like you have something on your mind.”

He swallowed all of the insults he wanted to fling at her and instead pressed out, “I don't understand my grade.”

“You don't?”

“The embroidery on my dress is fantastic,” he said. “Why didn't I get an A?”

“The embroidery is fantastic, I agree. But your work was sloppy in other parts of the dress.” Um, what the fuck?! Hisoka looked at her, his brow twitching slightly. Undisturbed, she went on, “I would have chosen a different type of fabric for the underskirt, and the corset was very uneven. In general... many imperfect seams in places you thought no one would look. You tried to hide it, but it was apparent to me that you ran out of time.” She gave him a stern look. “If I remember correctly, I told you to tone it down, didn't I?” 

Oh, that old hag had a death wish.

Hisoka couldn't believe he was supposed to take criticism from someone who thought wedges were acceptable footwear. Sorry he wasn't boring. Or stuck somewhere in the middle of the last century. Since when was fashion about playing it safe, about toning it down? His lips thinned into a flat, unamused line. “You did. But I don't see any point in that.”

“Mister Morow,” she continued, and her tone was sickeningly patronising, “You have so much potential. But if you want to survive in this business you will have to work on your time management and listen to instructions. No matter if you work for private clients or a bigger production, it's the attention to details like these that will decide whether you fail or thrive.”

The corner of his mouth twitched before a cruel grin spread. In a deliberately sweet voice and with false gratitude, he said, “Oh dear, you're so right, thank you. Otherwise I would have no choice but to give up on my dreams and become a teacher instead.”

Her face fell in shock. “Excuse me?”

“Nothing~” He smiled, closing his eyes with it. “Beautiful shoes, by the way. Have a nice day.”

Without waiting for her reply, Hisoka turned and strutted down the hallway, re-entering the room where all of the projects were displayed, and packaged his dress. No reason to display it to the others anymore; he wasn't going to make a fool of himself. While he was zipping up the bag, and battling down the urge to burn all of the pieces that had received better grades than him, his phone vibrated.

Illumi, 09:22: Good morning, Hisoka. I'm parked near the cafeteria and will wait here for you. Please take your time.

Illumi, 09:23: P.S. Let me know if you want me to get you something from the bakery here, the doughnuts look good.

Hisoka briefly contemplated whining to get some well-deserved attention. But that would have involved admitting to the fact that he was angry over a grade – yikes – and behaviour like that was far from the sexy sugar-baby fantasy he was trying to keep alive for the both of them.

Today was the day he would officially move in with Illumi, as well as the first day of summer break, so maybe he should just let it go, bury the nasty feelings under a ton of sex and presents to himself and then enjoy his hot boy summer. He had the feeling it was going to be a good one. So he typed.

Hisoka, 09:24: Be right there, Illu. ❤ Surprise me!

Suit bag slung over his shoulder, he exited the building and made his way towards the cafeteria, which took him about ten minutes instead of the usual three, because he had to take more than one detour to avoid running into his fellow students. He wasn't really in the mood for hearing Lindsey or Brian gush about their boring flower-patterned two-piece and uninspired hippie era-esque flare pants that had probably gotten an A+ with sugar on top, so a longer walk was a welcome alternative. Plus, the lectures were over, so in Hisoka's book, as a matter of principle, he didn't know any of those bitches anymore until the new semester started.

Upon arriving at his destination, he didn't have to look for Illumi for long. After all, it wasn't every day that a spotless, teal-coloured Porsche 718 was parked anywhere close to uni, so people stared and whispered or tried to sneak photos of it. It also wasn't every day that a stunningly handsome man with designer sunglasses and an outfit that looked plucked right out of a Selling Sunset episode was standing next to it, talking on his phone.

As soon as he spotted him, Illumi gave a little wave, and all heads now turned to look at Hisoka. He grinned and walked over, the few metres suddenly becoming his own personal runway of middle fingers to everyone surrounding him.

That's right. He's with me.

Illumi mouthed a 'Hi', pointed to his phone in an apologetic gesture, and then held the car door open for Hisoka, who took a seat, his chest swelling with pride. He wasn't even mad Illumi was on the phone – it brought back the pleasant memories of a few weeks ago. Hisoka acted like he didn't see the jaws of his fellow students drop and, after checking his hair and makeup in the sun shade mirror above his seat, looked at the bag of fresh doughnuts and the two coffees sitting in the cup holder space.

He lifted one of the cups and blew Illumi a kiss, who smiled. Illumi then pointed at the dress bag sitting on Hisoka's lap, then at the trunk.

Hisoka nodded and handed him the blasted thing. The sooner it got out of his sight, the better. Illumi took it and looked at it for more than a second, all the while keeping the conversation on the phone going. He saw his eyebrows shoot up over the rim of his sunglasses as he tilted the bag a little, really taking in all of the details. Hisoka suppressed cringing, and wished the bag wasn't see-through. He forced himself to keep his smile, looked away, and busied himself with his coffee. One could bitch endlessly about the general edibility of the cafeteria food, but you had to give it to them: Their caffeinated beverages were always on point. Well, they had to. It was either this or anarchy on campus and very, very empty 7:30 classes. Hisoka leaned back and took another sip, openly leering at Illumi who was languidly pacing next to the car. Cute.

His conversation gradually seemed to be coming to a close. “No, I completely understand. I congratulate you on the sale. It's unfortunate it wasn't through our agency this time but I look forward to future business opportunities with you, Mister Conti. Thank you so much for your time. Goodbye.” Illumi hung up and briefly rubbed his forehead with the back of one hand. Then he quickly shot someone a text. After that was done, he pocketed the phone and then brought the dress to the trunk. “Can it be folded?”

You can burn it for all I care.

“Yes, yes, don't worry.” Hisoka took another sip from his coffee. Illumi joined him in the car and immediately leaned over, placing a hand on Hisoka's thigh and a kiss to his cheek. Very pleased with all of the immediate attention, Hisoka chuckled. “Oh hello, Mister Zoldyck.”

“Hello again. You smell nice,” Illumi said, matter-of-factly as always, and then, “I'm sorry I kept you waiting just now.”

“You're all good, don't worry.” The compliments already had him in a better mood. Everything was vastly improved with Illumi around. Hisoka turned his head and suddenly their lips almost brushed as their noses gently bumped into each other. He grinned. “Today's the day.”

Illumi hummed and pushed his sunglasses up into his hairline. Notably, without moving even an inch away. “So it is.” His fingers on Hisoka's thighs tightened the tiniest amount and said man gave his best seductive gaze, yet he couldn't coax Illumi to move in any further with it. He hadn't kissed him ever since their last session. Eyes locked, Illumi said, “The moving team is scheduled to arrive at eleven with your belongings.”

“That leaves us some time.”

“To do what?” Illumi marginally lifted his eyebrows and tilted his head, looking so goddamn irresistible as he did.

“Oh, you know, the doughnuts,” Hisoka grinned, flashing his canines in all of their mischievous glory. Or some other deliciously sweet things involving holes. “Why, what did you think?” he teased.

Illumi gave a half-smile and suddenly brought up the paper bag holding their sugary treats, moving away as he did. “Now that you mention it...” Ah, bummer.

“I didn't know which glaze or filling you preferred, so I got one of each.” Was he giving him all of these amazing innuendos on purpose, or was Illumi just that clueless and earnestly kind sometimes? Hisoka swallowed his crude jokes for now – heh – and took a look into the bag.

“How thoughtful.” He picked one with artificially pink, strawberry-flavoured glazing and little sugar hearts sprinkled on top. He watched as Illumi selected a classic chocolate one. “Here's to our condo, Illumi.” He lifted the cup holding his coffee. Illumi lifted his one as well.

“To our condo.” The dull pflumpf of cardboard and plastic knocking together sounded equally hilarious and triumphant to Hisoka's ears. How very fitting for the both of them.

-

A few doughnuts later they were on the road. Moving houses was – as many other things – a lot less stressful when you had money. Hisoka did not even have to pack his own boxes. Before he had left for uni this morning, he had simply let the moving team into his current apartment and they had taken over from there. Everything would be done within the day. So instead of sweating and ruining his nails while carrying boxes up and down the stairs, he would get to do the actual fun stuff: Watch and direct a whole team of workers to furnish his new room and unpack his things.

In the last weeks, Illumi had arranged several meetings with his interior designer – the very one that had also planned and realised the main level of his condo – and, together with her, Hisoka had developed a detailed concept for his rooms. By now, his walls were painted the exact shade of pink he wanted – it was a custom mixture, of course – the floor had been newly carpeted in a complimentary shade, and the light fixtures had all been updated to his liking.

She had inquired about his preferences in terms of décor and then had brought him a whole palette of things to choose from, on a tablet, so everything had happened from the comfort of Illumi's couch while he had sipped on another perfectly chilled peach iced tea. Rummaging through stuffy warehouses to retrieve the stuff he had selected had been taken off of his shoulders by her, too.

In the meantime, according to their plans, the room that held the “gym” had received an entirely new wall, therefore becoming its own space. With that, Illumi's sports equipment finally didn't look so forlorn in a huge room anymore.

The newly created, second room was still ample enough to be divided into sections for his sewing projects, a storage closet for materials included, and a fun little semi-secluded nook for his streams, if he ever wanted to switch locations from his bed. His toys and cameras now all had their designated places instead of haphazardly being stuffed into one drawer that seemed to become more cluttered every time Hisoka opened it again. He could finally say goodbye to that source of stress.

But the centrepiece of the entire project was his new bedroom. It was solely designed to become an oasis of comfort for him. Hisoka couldn't believe how much room the space still gave even with a king-sized bed in it. He would have a huge vanity now, a mirrored closet that spanned the entirety of one wall, and a comfortable sitting and reading area that could be converted into a workstation for sketching and other projects whenever he needed it to.

Some of his bedroom furniture had already been delivered over the course of the past weeks, and today was the day where both those and later his belongings would be brought to the condo. Illumi and him were just there to oversee the work, and instruct any small adjustments if needed.

Happily humming while thumbing through the floor plans and 3D mock-ups the interior designer had given to him, Hisoka was chewing on another, pillowy soft doughnut, when suddenly Illumi's phone rang.

Hisoka looked over at the mount that held the device to see the name Silva Zoldyck on screen. A family member? Maybe one of the siblings...

Illumi's eyes darted over as well and his posture seemed to stiffen slightly. Maybe Hisoka had just imagined it. It wasn't as if Illumi was the most slack person to begin with. Another ring.

“I'm sorry, I have to take this.”

“Of course, go ahead.” Hisoka returned to his doughnut, set on daydreaming about his new retreat, and Illumi picked up.

“Good morning, father.”

Enter record scratch. The single word made Hisoka's entire body tense, and it only got worse as the person on the other end of the line responded. He sounded absolutely livid.

“Illumi, what happened? Explain to me why you didn't close the deal.” The booming voice almost made the food in Hisoka's mouth go down the wrong pipe. His movements all came to a halt and he stared straight ahead, his eyes no longer perceiving the pictures in front of them, rapidly focusing and unfocusing.

That was Illumi's father? 

Illumi's voice, on the other hand, was still calm, though Hisoka felt there was less flexibility to it than usual. The customary tranquillity in it was currently almost... rigid, forced. “The owner had another agency on the offer. I wasn't aware until he sold it today. He did not let me in on that information beforehand.”

“That's not an excuse, Illumi. That was a forty million dollar home, for God’s sake. You knew that when I trusted you with that job.”

“I am aware, and I apologise. I had a potential buyer already, but-”

“Don't give me that. This is unacceptable, and it shouldn't have happened. You need to be more assertive, I've told you so many times. You are too polite when it comes to these types of clients. How many more opportunities need to be lost before you learn?”

Illumi didn't move, and neither did Hisoka. Even though he was not the one addressed, his pulse beat up to his ears. He didn't even want to imagine how Illumi felt right now. 

Silva was apparently not done yet.

“It was my mistake to think I could entrust you with this. I will do it myself next time.”

Hisoka's lips tensed, the sentences spoken turning into echoes of days long passed.

Reflexively, he pushed the thoughts away and looked over at Illumi whose face was miraculously calm, as always. His eyes were fixed on the road. The only giveaway the words hit him at all were his hands, white-knuckled as they gripped the leather of the steering wheel. Still, his voice remained light.

“My apologies. It won't happen again.”

“I'm certain it won't. Because after you blew a commission this high I'm not sure how soon I will trust you again to do your work properly when this much money is on the line. We can only hope our competitor didn't take notice of you either or knows which agency you're with.” Hisoka's brows knitted. Ouch, papa Zoldyck, maybe pump the brakes on the accusations a little. It wasn't like the world was ending or anything. And Hisoka knew for a fact how much time Illumi spent on his job, every single day, especially in the past few weeks. He was pretty sure he was already doing anything he could to do things properly. If he did any more he would be skipping meals or stop sleeping all together.

Hisoka now saw the slightest hint of tension in the corner of Illumi’s mouth. Silva went on, the domineering tone of his voice making Hisoka shift uncomfortably in his seat. “And it's not like offers like these present themselves every day. You will make up for the loss.”

“I will. I'm sorry.”

Completely ignoring Illumi's apology, as the desired level of shame and humiliation was apparently finally reached, Silva abruptly segued into an entirely new topic. “Your mother told me she met Maddie the other day.”

Hisoka perked up. That was the name of Illumi's interior designer, the very one he'd met a few weeks back.

Illumi's lips parted slightly, before he said, “Did she?”

“You have a new room-mate?”

Now Hisoka's mouth opened as well, as all of the air seemed to be suddenly sucked out of the car. Um, why did Silva sound like he had just caught Illumi doing something forbidden? Why did he interrogate his twenty-six year old son about something as mundane as a new room-mate in that tone of voice? What had that even have to do with anything? Nothing about this seemed normal.

Hisoka shot Illumi a questioning look and raised his eyebrows. The other man still looked calm. Eerily so. Ah. So this type of conversation was normal to them, huh?

“I do,” Illumi said with a level voice, after a pause that was much longer than necessary. His face almost didn't move as he spoke, and he avoided returning Hisoka's gaze. 

“Is that what has you so distracted from your work?”

“I can assure you I am not distracted from my work.”

The entire conversation had Hisoka fuming and anxious. He didn’t understand why Illumi felt the need to justify himself, and why his dad seemed to derive some sort of sick pleasure from torturing him like this. On top of it all, he felt like he wasn’t supposed to hear any of it, but now it was already far too late to try and get away from it. That only left one question: Where was all of this controlling, nosy bullshit going?

“Actions speak louder than words, Illumi. You have a lot to prove after today.” No pause. “Who is this person you're living with?” Without waiting for an answer, Silva continued. “You should have consulted us beforehand but since you didn't deem it necessary, the least you can do is introduce them to the family now.” Um- “They are living in one of our properties, after all.” Huh? “Your mother would appreciate it. Make sure you visit her soon.”

A slight pause. Hisoka waited for a “No, dad, don’t be ridiculous, I won’t do that because that’s crazy and wholly unnecessary and why would you think that’s normal?” from Illumi. What he got instead was:

“I understand. I will ask him if he's up for it, father.” Uhm, WHAT? Alarmed, Hisoka signalled his disapproval with a rapid shake of his head to Illumi. Like hell you will, Mister!

“Make it work somehow, even if he declines.”

Silva hung up.

With his jaw dropped, Hisoka gaped at the phone. 

What. The. Fuck?!

Then he slowly dragged his eyeballs over to Illumi, who was still looking at the road. Heavy silence filled the interior of the car.

“What the hell was that?” Hisoka couldn't help but blurt out.

“My father.”

“Yeah, I got that, Illumi. Does he always talk to you like this?”

“No,” Illumi said, immediately. He stopped at a red traffic light and then added, almost rambling, “Not always. He was clearly quite upset about the lost deal. I can understand why, the commission was the highest our agency had ever seen. I’m upset about it, too. And he's right, I should have been more assertive. I thought I had more time to close the deal, and that was my mistake.”

Okay, fine. Well, no, not fine. That had clearly been out of Illumi's hands, and clearly missed the point of Hisoka's question, because even if he was upset, his father did not have the right to talk to him like that. But Hisoka was sure telling Illumi that would fall on deaf ears. So he let it slide for now. There were currently far more pressing matters at hand.

“Why was he so hung up about you having a new room-mate? What's with the whole 'introduce him to the family' shtick? It's not like I'm not your boyfriend or anything.”

The light turned green – and neither of them noticed until the cars behind Illumi began honking. He raised his hand in an apology and then pushed the gas pedal down.

“Illumi,” Hisoka pressed on.

For the first time since meeting him, he thought Illumi looked uncomfortable, although there wasn't much visible change in his demeanour. Another beat of silence filled the car, stretching the space between them into an insuperable abyss. Eventually, Illumi chimed in again.

“My family – my mother especially – is peculiar about that sort of thing...” Ah, so crazy family members would stab him on the street or set his room on fire while he slept, got it. “And they have their reasons.” And Illumi was fully on board with those, Hisoka mused. So the battle was already lost. Fantastic. “But that will take a while to explain. I would prefer to tell you tonight, once your move-in is complete and the workers are out of the condo again. Would that be alright with you?”

Wow, that didn't sound suspicious at all, now did it?

It wasn't at all what Hisoka wanted to hear and it did nothing to help him calm down. And then, suddenly, it dawned on him. This was going to be the catch to Illumi, huh? Not his sexual preferences, not his character traits, not the social class differences between them or the power imbalance and that came with his insanely high amount of money. It all boiled down to him coming as a package deal with his questionable family, didn't it?

Oh, that was just... Great.

What the hell had Hisoka gotten himself into? It had all been too good to be true up until now. He wanted to pin Illumi to the conversation right there and then. He wouldn't be put off, he wouldn't be made to wait, wouldn’t be made to do anything he didn’t want, he wouldn't be trapped in this-- whatever this situation was.

… Oh, who was he kidding? He was about to move in. Backing out now wouldn't be that easy anymore; and this was all this was supposed to be. Easy. The realisation made him all the more stubborn to get his will.

He leaned in to counter, his mouth already open to fire back, but then Hisoka noticed how tightly Illumi's hands still gripped the steering wheel.

Was he imagining it or were his fingers shaking?

Hisoka ripped his gaze from the other man's hands and searched his face more closely this time. The discomfort was still seated there, though almost expertly concealed. Illumi’s jaw looked tense. 

Hisoka snapped his mouth shut, something heavy in his stomach.

Just tell him off. Ask your questions. Why the fuck do you care about his discomfort? He promised you something else. This is about your wants and needs, about the sex, about the money, and you did not sign up to meet his family and play house. Tell him you won't go. That this is off the table, no matter how much he pays you. Just--

The words wouldn't come out. Hisoka frowned, let out a defeated sigh and leaned back, closing his eyes for a moment.

Don't shit on him now, too.

“Okay. We'll talk later.”

The leather made a sound as Illumi's hands finally relaxed. “Thank you. I'm sorry for making you wait. I seem to be doing that a lot. I'll clarify everything to you, I promise.” Yeah, you better.

Hisoka chewed the inside of his cheek, almost pouting. 

Don't say it. Give him the cold shoulder, let him flounder for a bit, so he makes good on it later. You're mad right now. You have the right to be mad. Don't- “Do you... need something in the meantime?” Shut up, shut up. “Your meds, or, umm, that technique where you list off things you can see and hear and smell to calm down again?”

No answer. Hesitantly, he squinted over, to see Illumi with genuine surprise on his features and his mouth slightly ajar; and then it happened. His lips curled, and he laughed. Hisoka's eyes widened.

It was the best thing he had ever heard and seen in his entire life.

“What? What did I say??” he questioned, rapidly blushing, and tried his best to sound offended, but an unwanted smile already tugged at the corners of his own mouth. Illumi just kept chuckling, much airier than Hisoka could have ever imagined it sounding, and the heaviness of the situation lifted with it somewhat, making the flexibility return to Illumi’s voice.

With a subtle smile still on his lips, Illumi eventually said, “Thank you, Hisoka. I think one more doughnut will suffice for now.” Hisoka swallowed, inwardly yelling at his stupid heartbeat to calm down. A part of him wanted to pull another laugh from Illumi, even if it would keep the annoying flutter in his stomach going. Play it cool.

“Any... any preferences?”

“Chocolate sprinkles, please.”

Hisoka fished one out of the still bountifully filled bag and handed it over to Illumi, who accepted it with a hand that was still a little shaky but rapidly regained its usual calmness. Their fingers brushed, and before Hisoka could apologise for the accidental touch, Illumi had already said, “Thank you.” He took a bite. “Could you do me another favour?”

“You're greedy today, huh?” Hisoka quipped, trying to resume his usual bravado, and pulled out a napkin as well to save Illumi's immaculate suit from grease stains.

“Maybe a little,” Illumi admitted, and took another bite, and the open confession once again stunned Hisoka into silence. “If it's not too much to ask, could you put your hand on my leg as usual while I drive? It would help me a lot.” Hisoka’s completely dumbfounded, wide eyes darted up to the other man’s face as his heart firmly lodged itself in his throat again.

Illumi had never asked to be touched by him before.

Before his brain absolutely fried itself over the fact, he managed to respond with the most graceful, “Uhm. Sure,” that made it sound like his voice went through puberty all over again. So much for playing it cool.

Hisoka’s hand fell onto Illumi's thigh and upon receiving another “Thank you” from the man, he turned, looking out of the window at the passing buildings instead, his cheeks warm, his palms a little clammy, and his thoughts running wild.

Done with the doughnut, Illumi's cleaned his fingers on the napkin, and then his knuckles found the back of Hisoka's hand, as usual, and in that moment he knew with crushing clarity:

He was completely. And utterly. Fucked.

-

His new bedroom looked right out of a perfume commercial. Plush and lush in pinks and creamy whites, with a few blood red statement pieces, beyond comfortable and cosy, and so, so much like home already. Hisoka couldn't keep the smile off of his face as he curiously ventured inside and let his gaze wander. It looked even better than in the pictures. Everything was just right, and the combined effort of the dozen professionals that had spent the better part of their day to make his vision come true fully paid off in this amazing space.

“What do you think??” Maddie, the interior designer, chimed in from behind him in her usual, bubbly voice. She already knew he adored it but he couldn't blame her for wanting to hear it. He was a bit of a praise whore himself, so, they were quite similar in that sense. Hisoka traced his finger tips along the coverlet of his new bed. The headboard was tinged in the warm light of an early evening, coming in through the skylight.

He closed his eyes for a second, savouring the moment, just for himself.

Then he smiled over his shoulder to her – and Illumi, who was standing in the door frame behind.

“It's perfect. Thank you so much.” He said, to both of them. Maddie squealed, clapping her hands together happily, and while she hugged him, her face barely reaching up to his chest, Hisoka watched Illumi smile.

A few signed documents and goodbyes later, they found themselves alone in the condo again. After closing the door behind the team, Illumi loosened his tie, fixed them some drinks, and ordered dinner.

Hisoka knew what was coming. The talk about the call earlier this morning had been quietly looming over them, even with so many distractions going on. Every time Hisoka had spotted Illumi on the phone, working throughout the day, he had gotten a fresh reminder of the tension in the car and his shivering fingers tightly gripping the steering wheel.

So, as they waited on the terrace, drinks in hand, overlooking the cityscape, Illumi said, “I promised to clarify some things to you.”

“You did,” Hisoka agreed, anything but keen on having this conversation. He was aware it was one of those things that were necessary to work through, because he couldn't run away from it forever, but by god, did he want to. He was sure nothing could motivate his brain into getting into it, not even a little.

Illumi took a sip from his drink and then glanced over at Hisoka, “I want to ask first, if you would be willing to accompany me on a visit to my family. You do not have to, and I understand if you do not want to.”

Well, he had that last part right. “I'd rather not. Not to be rude, but this wasn't part of our deal.”

Illumi nodded, “I agree, and I respect that. I did not plan on this happening. I will see what I can do to placate them in other ways.”

That… had been surprisingly easy. Okay, good, great. Now the biggest problem was already off the table and they could move on. Without the meeting hanging like the sword of Damocles above him, the context of Illumi's family's weird behaviour didn't hold all that much weight. But against his better judgement, Hisoka's mouth ran on, “I don't think I'm someone you would want to introduce to your family in any case.”

Illumi blinked over at him in confusion. “I don't follow. Why would I not want that?”

Hisoka let out a dry chuckle. “Illumi, I know I'm amazingly attractive and talented and all that, but I get all of my money by jerking off in front of a webcam for strangers on the internet. Most parents aren't fond of the idea of a sex worker living off of the hard-earned riches of their very put-together, successful son.”

“You're more than your cam-show or your looks, Hisoka,” Illumi countered.

“I-- Well. Yes, maybe.” A big maybe. “What I mean is, we're not dating. We're not friends. What would you even introduce me as?”

“An up and coming fashion designer who captivated me with his work years ago – and still does – and whom I finally had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know. And also, as my room-mate,” Illumi said without hesitation. Hisoka looked back at him with wide eyes before averting his gaze with an incredulous laugh. Well, that did sound a lot better and less complicated than “a cam boy I recently met for the first time for the sole purpose of having sex with him, then tied up and fucked into incoherence twice, and who is also sort of my sugar-baby and in the process of becoming my contracted sub”. And technically the whole room-mate and fashion designer thing wasn't a lie. Still...

Fuck, could a meeting even be avoided forever, even it he said no now? What stopped Illumi's parents from coming to the condo? From snooping behind his back? If they somehow found out what he really did... This wasn't good.

Hisoka wasn't exactly a favourite with all the parents he had met so far, of friends and exes alike. Rather the complete opposite. And he knew what a bad impression could rip away from you in the worst of cases. A prestigious family like Illumi’s would probably also be quick to point fingers, to use him as a bad example, a cautionary tale of why our society was falling apart at the seams, and then he would have to leave this condo behind again after only barely having moved in. Hisoka didn't know just how much Illumi abided by his parents' rules, but after witnessing his abjectness during the call in the car, he wasn't keen on finding out. He was all too familiar with situations like this.

At the same time, he was stubborn. The life he had caught a glimpse of in the last two months and Illumi's complete and utter dedication to him and his needs, he wasn't willing to just give up again.

“I still don't get why they want to meet me. It's... kind of weird, no offence.”

Illumi let out a quiet sigh. “Yes, I can see how that might be confusing. Allow me to explain why it's important to them.”

Hisoka didn't miss that Illumi didn't remind him that he was off the hook – he was sure he had picked up on the possibility of his family just... happening upon them by now, as well. So he found himself listening with no small amount of concentration. A little more context wouldn't do him any harm, right? Maybe he could prepare himself somehow.

As he looked over, he saw the smallest change in the features of the other man. Illumi looked out over the city, seemingly trying to find a point to start his explanation. He seemed tired, all of a sudden. Hisoka lifted his drink to his lips, eyeing Illumi with equal amounts of paper-thin composure and nervous curiosity.

“I was engaged a few years ago.” 

All of his movements came to a stop. Hisoka didn't dare make a sound, and the city below seemed to quiet down with him. Illumi's voice cut through the silence as he continued, “It did not end well.”

There was a long pause. 

O...kay? What a weird and cryptic way to start this off. Hisoka was none the wiser. What in the hell had that to do with his parents being so nosy? Maybe they had stalked his ex too much, who then had bailed? Or maybe the person didn't pass the test and Illumi had been pressured into ending the relationship? No, that sounded crazy… Then again– most families were crazy. Hisoka lifted one brow.

“Did you leave them?” he tried, his tone careful, another thought popping up as the words passed his lips. Oh god, he hoped the person didn't die.

“No. It was the other way around. My fiancé broke off the entire thing.”

… Come again?

Struggling to catch up with the new information, Hisoka found himself asking the most obvious thing: “Why?”

Why on earth would someone leave a considerate, beautiful, well-off man like Illumi, who was so clearly a provider and giver, and a flat-out ten all around?

The other man still looked out over the city, the slightest hint of resignation visible in the corners of his mouth, the blackness of his eyes. A weak wind made the long silky strands of his hair move in the warm air of the evening, yet the softness of the moment was lost on him.

“He wanted to be with a woman.”

Oh.

“After I came out, he made it clear that he was under the impression that I had lied to him throughout the years of our relationship, and he was very upset because of that,” Illumi said in the uncannily calm voice of his that had once again lost all of its natural flexibility. Now it was like a stone sinking in water. Hardened and cold.

“Oh,” Hisoka repeated out loud. “...That's fucked up,” he added after a brief moment, feeling completely unhelpful doing so.

God, what an asshole Illumi's ex was. Maybe he was better off without him. No, he absolutely was. What kind of messed up person would do that sort of thing?

… Oh wait.

He himself had dumped countless people over much less than that, never wasting a single thought on how that might make the other feel. Sometimes he had even done it just to hurt them. He shifted and looked into his glass, suddenly unsure what else to contribute, as the ugly feeling of hypocrisy reared its head in his direction.

You're not even going to try and find a compromise? Do all the other things we have not matter to you? Everything we shared, all the times we've laughed? I thought you--

I won't make any compromises when it comes to that, for no one. I know what I want and you obviously can't give it to me.

Hisoka chewed the inside of his cheek, utterly uncomfortable in his own skin. He couldn't imagine Illumi crying like Chrollo. No, it wasn't that. It was more like he couldn't bear the thought. 

He wanted to be with a woman.

Hisoka was pretty sure the ex had phrased it differently when the breakup had taken place. What else had Illumi been subjected to hearing? A heaviness spread like poison in his stomach, and then, it slowly simmered and bubbled over, turning into anger that surprised himself with its intensity.

Fine, maybe he was an asshole, full stop. But at least he left people for petty reasons, like bad sex or a horrible taste in fashion. Not fundamental shit they couldn't – and shouldn’t have to – change about themselves. And contrary to Illumi's ex, who was nothing more than personified trash in his book, Hisoka didn't promise people he wanted to spend his entire life with them just to then cut them off when they opened up. He never told them he had feelings for them – well, he never had any to begin with – and he never vowed to provide them with anything he wasn't willing to give. Nor did he expect to get anything more in turn. He wasn’t that naïve.

Love was utterly dead and buried.

People like him didn't get to have it. He’d always been painfully aware of that. But people like Illumi-- No, Illumi alone should have had it. He deserved it, all of it.

The other man thoughtlessly traced the empty space on his ring finger. Hisoka felt like shit watching him do it. He wanted to punch something.

“How did you… cope?”

“The time after the breakup was quite hard to manage. I found myself unable to work for a few days, and then the inevitable questions came. Explaining the whole situation to my parents forced me to come out to them as well. They were supportive, which helped, in a sense. It created a safe space for my siblings as well, which is something I am happy for in retrospect. But ever since then, my mother has grown overly protective of me, and now she keeps an eye on whoever I share my time with. I suppose she wants to make sure it doesn't happen again.”

Hisoka pursed his lips a bit. He didn't know what to think of that last part. Supporting your son after a messy breakup with, probably, the love of his life who turned out to be a transphobic dickhead, and the traumatic experience of having to come out so suddenly, right after that exact situation – finally finding the courage to be himself – had ended in sheer and utter rejection for him? Okay, good.

But then starting to quite literally police who he kept in contact with, and maybe not even dated, demanding all of those people to formally introduce themselves to the entirety of the family for, what, their approval? And then using every social engagement he had outside of his work as a way to guilt-trip him whenever he messed up, like Silva had done on the phone? Maybe not the best idea. Most definitely killing anything that could resemble the reconstruction of a healthy, normal dating life. Quite possibly isolating him further.

Hisoka decided not to comment on either.

He let his head fall back and stared at the orange-and-rose-tinged clouds above. While trying to sort through his thoughts and emotions about the whole situation, he found one worming its way into the most conscious parts of his brain again and again. He grimaced slightly and then sighed, closing his eyes.

He was going to regret this, wasn't he?

“Hypothetically speaking...” Illumi looked over at him and listened. “If we went there for you to introduce me, and your parents end up hating me, would you kick me out again?”

Illumi's brows knitted in confusion and something that looked close to offence. “Of course not. Why would I ever do that?”

“Your dad made it sound like it was his home, not yours.”

“Hisoka. This is your and my home now, for as long as you want it to be. Nothing they could say or do will change that. It's not up to them to decide.”

“Good, because I really like the room upstairs.” Hisoka rolled his head over, looking into Illumi's direction. The other man held his gaze, so Hisoka went on with a wary smile. “And, hypothetically, if we went there, I hope you wouldn't expect me to pretend to be your boyfriend or something.”

“I won't. I don't lie to my family.” Illumi studied Hisoka's face, a thoughtfulness overtaking his features. “Although my mother might assume we're dating either way, even if we assure her we're not involved like that.”

“I suppose that would still be better than her knowing what we actually do.”

“I agree,” Illumi said, the tiniest smile creeping into the corners of his mouth. Hisoka smirked, sensing another opportunity to make the other man laugh and dissipate the tension, but before he could, the doorbell rang.

“Ah. Food.” Illumi rose to his feet and made his way to the door to accept the-- whatever he had ordered. It didn't take long for delicious scents to reach Hisoka out on the terrace. He was still looking at the clouds when Illumi re-emerged with numerous boxes, two plates, and cutlery in his hands, and began setting the table.

“Alright,” Hisoka said, gaze directed skywards.

“Pardon?”

Not moving his head, he elaborated, “Let's visit your family.”

Illumi suddenly stood, unmoving, and looked at him. “You don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable.”

This bone-deep consideration with no strings attached was going to be the death of him. Finally, Hisoka looked over and giggled. “You've made that quite clear already, dear Illumi.”

“I didn't mean to persuade you with the context I provided, and I'm sorry if I gave off that impression. I do not want to coerce you into anything.” Maybe it was more anxiety than consideration this time around. But he couldn't back down now – didn't want to, really – knowing it would reinforce Illumi's overthinking and doubt. 

Hisoka shrugged and gave a smile. Keeping his tone light and playful, he said, “I know. And you haven't. It was my own decision. Just don't schedule it for 8 a.m., please.”

There was a beat of silence where they just exchanged glances, Illumi looking nothing short of perplexed.

“...I was thinking brunch,” he said, eventually.

“As long as there'll be pancakes, I'm in.”

“That can be arranged,” Illumi said, a hopeful smile on his lips, then took a seat and unpacked their food. Another waft of freshly made, piping-hot Thai food reached Hisoka's nose and his mouth watered. He didn't waste any time digging in.

“Thank you,” Illumi said after a while, into the comfortable silence of their feast. Hisoka looked up from his fish cake and – since his mouth was quite literally full – made an elegant questioning sound instead of risking the food falling from his lips. The other went on, “Is there anything I can offer you in return for agreeing to this?”

Hisoka paused. Generosity wasn't anything that was unusual coming from Illumi, but this time it somehow felt very different. And even Hisoka – who was aware how greedy and demanding he was – suspected taking advantage of this particular brand of courtesy wasn't the most tactful thing to do right now, after the car-ride, this whole conversation and Illumi's obvious nervousness when he'd finally come around and agreed to go. He didn't want it to feel like... pay-off.

On the other hand... the little gremlin inside of him didn't have it in him to shoot something like this down. Plus, he didn't want Illumi to feel rejected – he had mentioned he enjoyed giving a lot more than receiving. So, deciding on some discreet middle-ground, he tried: “Anything you're in the mood for, Illu?”

There wasn't even a millisecond of a pause before Illumi said, “Mm, yes. We could christen your new bed.” Hisoka promptly choked on his deep fried prawn. So much for tactfulness. He looked over with big, intrigued eyes and barely managed not to suffocate. “If you want to,” Illumi added, calmly.

After the biggest gulp of his life, freeing his mouth from the near-deadly amount of delicious crustacean, Hisoka half-coughed out, “Do you want to?”

“Yes.” Absolutely no hesitation there. Hisoka still found himself unconsciously checking Illumi's hands – and found them completely relaxed. “It always helps me unwind,” he elaborated.

“Oh-...” Something welled up inside of his chest, and Hisoka looked away, all of the implications that single sentence held immediately wreaking havoc in his brain. But he quickly caught himself again, a half-smile on his lips.

Well. The bed definitely needed christening. And if it helped Illumi relax on top of that... It was definitely something he could provide for his new room-mate – though he was pretty sure he was getting the bigger piece of the pie here. Hisoka smirked and leaned over, stealing a bite of rice roll right out of Illumi's chopsticks. He smirked up at the other man and swallowed, a suggestive curve to his eyebrows.

“Who am I to say no to that?”

-

He still hadn't found out where Illumi kept his sex toys, but by now Hisoka was convinced the other man had a bottomless pit of them hidden somewhere in the condo. Today was definitely not the day he would find it though, because as soon as the collar had found its place around his neck and the stream had started with the usual reception, he had been promptly blind-folded. His arms were bound once again – this time with his elbows up and his wrists behind his head – and, while he was laying on his back, Illumi was in the process of winding rope in simple but effective patterns around his legs as well. Hisoka would be unable to straighten them once he was done.

Shibari was quickly – surprisingly – becoming one of his favourite things to do with Illumi, even if there was no immediate sex involved. He couldn't describe why or how, but it made him feel wanted in a whole new way. Like Illumi wanted to make sure he couldn't get away. Keep him right where he was and turn him into something admirable – while the entire process already felt like every inch of him was savoured and inspired some sort of awe in his dom. So much effort and planning went into it, so much skill and work... Hisoka saw it as its own form of worship, even with the moderate kind of pain it always entailed.

Tonight, he found himself liking it even more. With his eyes out of the equation, every other sense was heightened. He heard Illumi draw his calm and level breaths, heard the rope shift as it dragged over the duvet on the heavenly soft mattress of his new bed, heard the steady ping of donations coming from the direction of the laptop, and the shifting of Illumi's fine clothes, akin to a reassuring blanket on top of all of these impressions. He was sure his audience had the nicest view of him right now. Well. Maybe aside from his dom himself.

Every time Illumi's hands grazed his skin, Hisoka flinched and moved a little; the smallest of touches felt big and intense like this, and all of them came as surprises. He could never predict where his hands would venture next, and the anticipation over it kept his mind completely engaged.

It made it easy to let his persona slip away from the start. To submit.

He smelled Illumi's cologne and shampoo with each miniscule move he made. The warmth of his body seemed to sear itself into his bones and fill him to the brim whenever they briefly touched. Ever so often, Illumi just paused to – probably – look at him in silence, and in those moments, Hisoka became highly aware of his own breath, heart rate and his bare form. Every time he squirmed under the scrutiny, feeling the ropes all the more, one of Illumi's hands found his cheek or his hair.

“Shh. I'm not done yet. Hold still.”

After a few more knots, and a handful of further adjustments, Illumi once again tested the tightness of the rope, and, finished with his work, then gently guided Hisoka's legs apart on the mattress, showing him off to the camera. Fingers traced his inner thighs and Hisoka shifted with a low whine, knowing just how exposed he was in this state. He pressed his face into his own biceps.

“You're so well-behaved today,” Illumi praised in a low voice. Hisoka heard the direction of it shift towards the screen. “If you're enjoying this view already,” he brushed fingertips along the V of Hisoka's hips, “you should see him in real life. The camera doesn't do him justice, I know now.”

His hand wandered up, making him shiver throughout, a slight pressure that moved along Hisoka's abs, his ribs and his chest, then down the back of his suspended arms, before coming to rest on his collar, where fingers spread around his throat, “But I'm glad none of you can get your hands on him. None of you could handle him properly, and I'm not sure I would be willing to share. You're lucky I'm even letting you watch.” Hisoka's lips parted with a hitched breath. Possessiveness was a new shade of Illumi he hadn't been prepared for. And he knew it was just part of their session. Probably. Maybe. But by god, it was hot. He grinned to himself.

A hand grabbed him by the jaw and turned his face back towards the shadow looming above him. He could feel the onyx eyes on him. “Are you ready to play?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Tell me what you want today.” Knuckles brushed across his lips and Hisoka held his breath. Unseeing, he blinked behind the blindfold. He swallowed, and the collar pressed up more against his skin as his Adam's apple shifted.

“Please touch me. I don't care how, just... a lot of it.” His words felt like a caress against the soft skin of the other man's hand. The shadow leaned over him.

“No preferences at all? You can have whatever you want tonight.” Illumi dragged the pads of his fingers along Hisoka's lips, and his calm voice immediately caused heat to shoot to his face.

Whatever he wanted? Was he allowed to ask for anything – anything? Had he finally earned it? There were so many possibilities, so much to choose from, countless fantasies he could finally have fulfilled, but instead, Hisoka simply said what had been simmering in the back of his mind ever since their last session had ended:

“I... would like for you to kiss me again.”

He heard a hum that had the unmistakable hint of a smile in it.

“Look at you, you've learned to ask for it, after all. Well done.”

The shadow came closer, and equal amounts of comfort and excitement with it. Heavy strands of hair fell onto his shoulder. “Can I?”

Hisoka quickly nodded. Well, he tried. His bound arms and the hand holding his face made it quite difficult. But it had apparently been enough, because Illumi now loosely cupped his chin and then brushed their mouths together, dancing the fine line between sensual and hungry. He started out deliciously slow, as if relishing in every millimetre of Hisoka's lips, from one corner of his mouth to the other. Then he retreated, just so their lips didn't brush anymore, but still close enough Hisoka could feel his breath.

He tried to be patient, to behave, but Illumi didn't come closer again. It hadn't been enough. After a few moments, Hisoka squirmed and a low whine escaped his lips. Illumi chuckled.

“What is it?”

His voice acted on its own accord, and he heard himself ask, “More, please...”

“With pleasure.” Illumi's hand slipped from Hisoka's chin to his throat and he closed the distance again. With no restriction to his sounds this time, Hisoka couldn't help but moan as Illumi slipped his tongue inside of his mouth. He opened his lips wider, so very willing, and arched his body in the general direction of the other man, reciprocating the kiss as best as he could. Every time their tongues touched, another noise escaped him. He felt the chuckle against his lips more than he actually heard it. Then Illumi's mouth against his was seamlessly replaced by his fingers, two immediately pushing deep, along his tongue.

Hisoka made a sound and swallowed, the wet noise loud enough to be picked up by the mic of the stream. While moving his fingers, Illumi placed feather-light kisses along his jaw, down to the corner of his collar, and lower still, and upon reaching his clavicle, he sucked a deeply red bruise into the flesh there. Hisoka jerked with the feeling, and greedily tongued at the fingers in his mouth.

After leaving equally hot and pulsing marks across the span of both of his collarbones, Illumi withdrew himself a bit. He pushed the fingers deeper, making Hisoka groan and almost gag. For a while it seemed to be the only sensation he was going to be given, long elegant digits moving in and out of his mouth, the blindfold spurring on his fantasies and painting an even filthier picture. His hips were rocking against nothing, his half-hard erection a burning weight on his stomach.

“I love it when you look like this... All messy and needy, in such a hurry to fall apart. It suits you.” Having Illumi's usually so curt commands replaced by this – whatever this was – made Hisoka melt like butter. He'd been called sexy and beautiful before, sure. Countless times, in fact. But no one had ever used these words, appreciated these details about him, wanted to ruin him like that. No one had paused like Illumi had, had taken him in the way he always did. Hisoka whined and unconsciously spread his legs. Another chuckle followed.

“You want more?”

In lieu of a verbal answer, Hisoka sucked more on the fingers and tried to nod. He felt Illumi shift a bit, and suddenly, a hot, heavy drop of spit landed on his nipple. Hisoka winced in surprise, moaning against the digits still shoved deep. Illumi's free hand spread the quickly cooling moisture on his pec, giving him goosebumps, and then he leaned in, licking over the nipple, his tongue now feeling searingly hot in contrast. It had Hisoka hard within a minute flat. He shivered and writhed under the touch.

Illumi kept teasing his chest, sucking, licking, biting here and there – Hisoka was pretty sure he had marked him in various spots – before the shadow once again came looming over his face. He was still sucking on the fingers like a well-trained pet, the sounds much wetter by now. Strands of hair brushed his biceps as Illumi leaned in, withdrew his fingers, and swallowed the following sound of protest with another kiss.

Wet fingers now found their way across Hisoka's chest, lower, lower, and eventually circled the tip of his dick, tantalisingly slow. Hisoka inhaled sharply and bucked his hips against the touch, but it just caused him to lose contact entirely. He felt Illumi's smile against his lips.

“Anything you want?”

“Please-...”

“Yes?”

“Please touch me there, Sir.”

There was a beat of silence, long enough for his shameless begging to find its way into his face in the form of flushing cheeks. He squirmed again, becoming more and more aware of just how little he could move like this. His voice was his only tool left. 

“I beg you... please, please touch me.” He didn't care if he sounded pathetic right now. He needed more of this.

“Mm... I will, since you asked so nicely.” Lips pressed to his temple, and then suddenly, the shadow left his form. Confused, Hisoka leaned his head to the side, searching for the warmth that had abruptly been taken away. Just when uncertainty threatened to grow within him, Illumi hooked his fingers in the ring of the collar and pulled him upright.

Deft hands pressed along his forearms and hands, as if to check something, and then a finger found its way into one of his palms. “Squeeze this one for me.” Hisoka did, and found that he couldn't do it as hard as usual. His fingers were kind of tingly.

“Prickling feeling in your hands?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Illumi made a sound of acknowledgement, and then leaned him against something warm. It took Hisoka a few seconds to realise it was his chest. “One moment.” Quick fingers loosened the binding of his wrists behind his head. They stung and tingled as blood came flooding back into them. After making sure Hisoka could move all of his fingers, and squeeze to his satisfaction, Illumi then relocated his hands to come to rest next to his outer thighs. A short moment and a few adjusted ropes later, Hisoka found his hands bound to the patterns on his legs instead, and a hand brushing through his hair. “Thank you for being so patient. Now, where were we…”

Illumi shifted to sit behind him, comfortable against the headboard of the bed, and leaned him against his chest once more, presenting Hisoka to the audience like a trophy. He hooked his feet on Hisoka's ankles and nudged his legs apart.

“Don't be shy now... They came for a show. So show them how hard you are for me.”

God--

Pressing his lips together in something close to shame, but much closer to flaming arousal, Hisoka spread his legs a little wider, and the action increased the frequency of the donation sounds almost immediately. He was surprised to find that wasn't his main motivator at the moment – having Illumi's tenor so teasingly close to his ear was what spurred him on the most.

“That's it...” came the pleased comment, right before a lubed hand found his cock and gave a languid stroke. Hisoka flinched and moaned, his head falling back on Illumi's shoulder. His hands shot up on reflex and were immediately stopped by the ropework holding them in place. He arched his back and whimpered in the other man's hold as Illumi found a rhythm.

Much like his kisses, Illumi's handjobs were perfectly balanced between teasing and generous, constantly keeping Hisoka on the edge of wanting more, while simultaneously causing him to absolutely get lost in how intense it already was. It was like Illumi had a sixth sense for exactly how much pressure he had to use, how fast or slow to move his hands, where to spread his fingers. Like he'd been touching him for years. Next to all of this, the blindfold made the usual sounds seem much louder to Hisoka's ears and had his hips rolling against the other man's movements.

His shoulders shivered and his heels dug into the bedding. Was he really going to come from a handjob that had only just started? He turned his face to press his forehead against Illumi's neck and made a begging sound as the other man's second hand reached down to massage his balls. Another moan tore itself from Hisoka's throat, sending ripples through his body.

“Are you close already?”

Embarrassment made Hisoka chew his lips but he nodded. “Yes, Sir. I'm sorry...”

“Don't worry about it. You have my permission to cum.” Illumi kept one hand going on his cock and withdrew the other momentarily. When it came back, his fingers were slick and smooth, and immediately ventured down to massage his entrance. A nearly incoherent string of “yes” and “please” fell from Hisoka's lips, but Illumi just... kept teasing, only ever pressing the pads of his fingers against his hole, never inside.

It didn't take long until Hisoka was quivering again, and he gave a needy sound.

“Yes?”

“I- … please... ah--!” He tried to push himself onto the fingers but then Illumi pulled them up and away. Nonono--

“You're not making a lot of sense. Please what?”

“I-- I need something inside, please, please– use your fingers–”

“You should have said so.”

Illumi suddenly pushed two fingers inside and Hisoka couldn't stifle the following yelp in any way. Once again, his wrists tore at the binding reflexively but he was almost completely immobilised, so he continued to do what little he could: he pressed himself against Illumi's chest in an attempt to ground himself somehow.

Illumi started moving his fingers parallel to the hand on his cock and Hisoka whined with the intensity of it and closed his legs on instinct. Illumi's hands didn't cease their movements, but he whispered close to Hisoka's ear: “No, spread.” His lips were so close to his skin Hisoka could feel them make the air vibrate with each word. His hips trembled, but he couldn't bring himself to follow the command, so he shook his head no. He heard a swish of hair as Illumi moved, his voice suddenly dropping.

“You have five seconds to spread your legs or I'll stop this and punish you. Don't make me repeat myself again. Five.”

“W-Wait-”

“Four.”

“Fuck, I--”

“Three.”

“I need more time, please...!”

“Two.”

Shit--

“One.”

With shame burning hot in his cheeks, Hisoka swallowed and made the effort to comply, his legs shivering as he opened himself up once more to be exposed. There was a moment where he couldn't hear anything besides his own panting breaths, and the wet sounds of Illumi's touches, and it made him fear that maybe he’d been too slow to obey after all, but then--

“Well done.” Illumi left a soft kiss on his cheekbone and Hisoka gave a shaky exhale. The fingers withdrew a bit – only so three of them immediately returned.

Hisoka's mouth fell open again, his moans slowly but surely turning sloppy. He felt his dick pulse in Illumi's hand, who immediately gave a squeeze in turn that had Hisoka seeing stars. He rocked his hips as best as he could with his legs bound like that, and only marginally felt Illumi shift, before something hot, far too hot, landed on the leaking tip of his cock. The second he realised it was spit, it tipped him over the edge and his entire body tensed.

As Hisoka climaxed with a sharp cry, Illumi still pumped his cock, still spread the mixture of lube and cum and saliva along his length, and the mental image made Hisoka jerk and come even more for what felt like forever and a day to him.

He shook as he came down again, and realised his nose was pressed into the crook of Illumi's neck, the addictive, heady scent feeling like a tight embrace to his entire being. Illumi slowly withdrew his hands and Hisoka tried not to whine too much about the loss. After a few moments without touching him – probably put to good use by cleaning his hands somewhat – Illumi carded gentle fingers through his hair and supported his weight again. Never letting him go, he leaned to the side and brought something cold to Hisoka's lips, who flinched a little and then heard a soothing shush from the other man.

“It's a glass of water. Drink.” Illumi helped Hisoka tip his head up a bit and made him drink the entire glass. It was immensely refreshing – his throat had been more parched than he had realised. After finishing it off, Illumi put the glass aside and then shifted to retrieve something else.

The rapid increase of the donation sound made Hisoka's heart run with anticipation. Whatever Illumi had just gotten his hands on was something exciting. Despite knowing he couldn't see anything, Hisoka turned his head towards where he thought Illumi's hand currently was.

His dom ran gentle knuckles along his neck and playfully pulled on the ring of the collar to get his full attention again. “Can you still go?”

“Yes... Sir.”

“Mm, good. Because we're not done yet.”

Jesus Christ.

Hisoka was pretty sure Illumi would bring him to the brink of insanity (again) if he kept all of that up. And he was so, so ready for it.

His dom repeated his test from earlier, making sure the ropes didn't cut off any circulation, and this time, nothing had to be adjusted. Hisoka was still a little light-headed from his orgasm, when suddenly Illumi touched his slowly softening, sensitive cock. The simple caress already made him jump, but the following tentative stroke pulled a full-on whimper from him. He was no stranger to overstimulation, but usually when he brought himself to that point, both of his hands were busy with holding and moving a big toy or balancing himself as he leaned back and rode it. Point being, by then, his hands were almost always off his dick.

This, now, was another level of intensity.

But apparently the hands weren't the main focus of round two. Suddenly something metallic and narrow touched his tip and Hisoka flinched. He held his breath as his brain caught up and categorised what could have caused the feeling, quickly narrowing down to one solution. No way-

“You know what this is?” Illumi tapped one of his bound hands and let Hisoka feel the toy. He ran shivering fingers along the smooth metal, almost as thin as a skewer, only much more smooth and straight as an arrow. There was no doubt in his mind.

It was a dilator.

Hisoka took a trembling inhale. He had never tried one of these before, not really trusting himself to use it in a way that felt good. But he knew how experienced Illumi was, so if anyone could bring him pleasure with something this new and out there, it was probably him.

Was he really about to let this man shove a metal rod up his dick?

… Probably.

Shyness and more than a little nervousness overtaking him, he withdrew his hand and squirmed against Illumi's chest – his own heart loud in his ears. He heard a quiet chuckle that brought heat to his cheeks – Illumi must've realised at the same moment as him how hard he had just grown again with the mere thought of that toy being inside of him. Of Illumi doing it.

“I've asked you a question.”

“I know what it is, Sir,” Hisoka mumbled.

“I'd like to give it to you, as a reward. Do you want it?”

“I told you... you can touch me however you want.”

“I'm aware... I just want to hear you ask for it. You've been doing it so nicely all throughout the session.”

Hisoka's mouth opened, soundless. A long moment of silence passed. Then, he almost whispered, “Yes, please... Give it to me.”

He heard another one of Illumi's deep, pleased hums and shivered.

“I will.”

Almost immediately, Illumi resumed his touches, and it didn't even take a full stroke until Hisoka was moaning again. A generous amount of lube was spread along his shaft – the entirely new bedspread must've looked a mess by now with all the fluids they were spilling – but the thought was quickly banished as the metal touched his tip again.

First, Illumi just moved it along, almost like one would drag a finger or press a thumb to the tip. It was something Hisoka always reserved for right before his orgasm, and now, with his dick overly sensitive like this, it made him writhe and whimper pathetically.

Then the angle of the toy shifted and Illumi eased the first millimetres inside. Hisoka cried out sharply.

Oh god-- That was--

His chest was heaving with panting breaths, the foreign intrusion making his entire body tremble. Illumi moved it slowly, carefully, but nonetheless unrelenting. The first inch was not even completely inside and Hisoka was already fighting back tears. It was painful-- but deliciously so, right on the edge of maddening, white-hot pleasure lacing the sharp ache. Maybe the most intense feeling he'd ever experienced – but he'd recently learned that the bar kept steadily rising ever since he'd met Illumi.

Another millimetre, another loud whimper from him. He bit his lip as he felt the tears well up again, barely swallowing another whine, one that was dangerously close to an actual sob.

Illumi ran a single, light finger along his shaft and Hisoka all but screamed. He'd never been so loud during sex. But then again, he'd never felt something this extreme.

If his legs hadn't been bound, he would've jumped, but he couldn't really move. With how wet the blindfold was by now he was pretty sure he was crying, but he didn't know for certain – his entire being now only consisted of sensations, and no actual, coherent thoughts anymore. Everything that was left was solely given to him by Illumi, his world rising and falling with his chest as the man behind him took his breaths.

If he was crying, he didn't really care.

Illumi was still pushing the toy further, mindful of any movements and noises Hisoka made – and there were a lot of them to take into account. Regardless, Hisoka never had to say a single word – somehow Illumi always knew when it was threatening to truly become too much, and then took a break to soothe him again with light touches to his face, and near-silent praise whispered into his ear.

The pressure was rapidly building up again, and Hisoka's voice was hoarse from the constant moaning and whining. His noises were strangled and weak, and the constant reminder that he couldn't do anything but writhe and fall apart under the other man's touches made his mind slip even further.

His bound hands helplessly flexed and then fisted again, blindly feeling for some part of his dom. He couldn’t reach anything.

“Can I- nhhffuck–!!” He bit his lips as Illumi pushed the toy a little bit further – it didn't do anything to stifle his cry, but he was certain his bottom lip was insanely swollen by now. “Can I please see you...?” he whined between shaky breaths. Cumming without looking into those black eyes would only be half as nice. And he needed something– someone to tether himself.

Illumi made a contemplative noise close to his ear. His cheek rested against Hisoka's temple.

“Please...” Hisoka said again.

“Of course.” With one hand – and Hisoka was pretty sure with his teeth – Illumi opened the blindfold and took it off his eyes. “There you are.”

The ring-light made him blink and squint, looking far too bright right now, and everything was blurry for a while. With the comparatively cool air now hitting the previously covered part of his face, he was most definitely aware of the wetness around his eyes.

He looked over at Illumi, his calm eyes immediately reassuring him. There was the faintest blush on the other man's cheeks and the realisation made him flush even more.

Illumi Zoldyck. Was blushing. Over seeing, hearing, touching him like this.

He didn't have too much time to think about it though, because Illumi moved his fingers along his dick again and Hisoka all but melted in a desperate, overstimulated kind of way, his eyes falling half shut.

He knew he looked like a mess by now, but Illumi still dragged a worshipping gaze along his features, coming back to meet his eyes again and again. Another millimetre of the toy, and Hisoka sobbed. The feeling was branding him to the core, burning everything in its wake. His body became one pulsing, intense mass of sensations he couldn’t separate himself from in any way. A fresh wave of tears came rolling down his cheeks and then it happened: 

Illumi's lips parted slightly, and Hisoka's heart skipped a beat as his dom made a sound halfway caught between a sigh and a moan. For the first time in any of their sessions. Oh god-

“Can I kiss you while I make you cum?” Oh FUCK--

Hisoka scrambled to lean in without a second thought, stopping only a hairbreadth away. “Yes, please.” Upon hearing this much enthusiasm from an otherwise broken voice, Illumi didn't waste a second to seal their lips and resumed brushing his fingers along the other man's cock. Hisoka moaned against his mouth with reckless abandon now, feeling, sounding and looking beyond ruined, and as Illumi's tongue brushed past his teeth, sending an electrifying feeling throughout his body, he found himself bucking up his hips needily.

Illumi's hands joined between his legs – one fully took him in hand again, squeezing its thumb towards the tip, the second one massaged fingers along his perineum towards his still-twitching hole, and, as they teased to push past the threshold again, Hisoka whimpered into the kiss, shaking so hard Illumi nearly lost his hold of him – while a sudden, second orgasm shook him from the core.

With the dilator inside, the feeling never quite reached its peak, but couldn't ebb either, so Hisoka was stuck in a constant state of too-much-but-not-quite enough, bringing him what felt like climax after climax. It was completely agonising – and the most transcendently addictive sensation he'd ever experienced. If his usual orgasms made him see stars, these made him see the universe. He threw his head back, his bruised mouth falling open with it.

No sound made it past his lips – he couldn't even really breathe as he trembled and gasped, wetness never ceasing to slide down his hot cheeks. He was so dizzy he was certain the mattress would be ripped away from beneath him at any moment and cast him into another dimension where only this remained. His bound hands frantically reached for purchase somewhere – and found the fabric of the other man's shirt sleeve. Hisoka held on for dear life.

When he managed to reopen his eyes, Illumi was right there. Looking at him. Praising him softly. Still supporting his weight against his body. Slowly bringing him back, and keeping him from slipping away again.

His grounding presence helped Hisoka to finally draw a breath, his entire body collapsing from tension he hadn't even noticed he was holding, and he panted, eyes fallen shut, his head heavy on Illumi's shoulder.

Illumi carefully, slowly, eased the dilator out of Hisoka again, who just shivered but was too exhausted to whine as pent-up droplets of cum came dribbling from the tip. Illumi put the toy away. Hands brushed a few damp strands aside, and then lips pressed to Hisoka's sweat-slick temple, and his forehead.

“You did so well.”

“Thank... you, Sir...”

“Thank you for trusting me.”

Hisoka blinked glassy, golden eyes up to Illumi's face, and found him smiling in his usual, subdued way. He wanted nothing more than to touch the hint of pink on his cheekbones and pull him into another kiss, but, tragically, his wrists were still bound, and he had already come – how often exactly, he didn't even know for sure – so there wasn't really any sense to making out right now. Still...

“Say you goodbyes, so we can get you cleaned up.” Illumi helped him sit up more and Hisoka took himself in via the screen.

Starting from his collarbone downwards, his chest was littered with love-bites that concentrated especially in the immediate area around his nipples, but spread down his sides and along his ribs as well. Cum was cooling in sticky stains on his abs and along his dick that looked nothing short of sinfully filthy right now, and he could already see his legs would be beautifully patterned with rope-marks later. Once again, his eye make up was ruined and his mouth looked red and slightly puffy. The collar sat proudly around his neck, showing everyone who he belonged to. And the man who had gifted him with everything, this bed, these sensations, the tokens of his dominance and his ever-present, unconditional care, sat right behind him, with his chin on his shoulder.

Hisoka gave an exhausted, but genuinely happy smile. He cleared his throat in an attempt to regain some of his voice – an undertaking that was doomed from the start, but, ever true to his persona, he still tried.

“Thank you so much for watching, lovelies, and thank you for your donations--” He took in the number on top of the screen and had to blink a few times to make sure he wasn't imagining it. When had it started to grow so high in every single stream?? Had Illumi even already sent his donation? No, his hands had been busy the entire time and his phone was nowhere to be seen. Holy shit-- “I...” he quickly caught himself again, “I hope to see all of you in our next session, too. I'm convinced Pins has another fabulous idea for whenever we play again.”

“I do.”

Hisoka went wide-eyed, equally intrigued and giddily terrified by what that promise might entail.

“Oh-- well, there you have it. So make sure to not miss any of that.” Hisoka giggled, his voice almost giving out again, so he quickly wrapped things up. “Bye bye and good night~”

He gave a little wave with his hands still bound to his thighs, and Illumi did him the honour of ending the stream. Hisoka sank back a bit, his streaming persona having taken the last bit of his energy out of him. Illumi immediately freed his hands and massaged along his wrists before handing him another glass of water. “Drink up, please. Can you hold it by yourself?”

“Yes, Sir.” Illumi shot him a look. Hisoka grinned and pointed to the collar as he dutifully hydrated himself.

“Ah.” Illumi made a move to take it off but Hisoka suddenly found himself dodging his attempt. Now confusion pinched the other man's face and Hisoka's cheeks flushed. “What is it?”

Hisoka laughed nervously and shrugged, averting his gaze, refusing to let the feelings for his sudden change of mind rise up enough to cause another panic. He wasn't quite ready to come back to his usual self yet.

“I just... Can I keep it on for a little longer, please?”

Illumi blinked and, as always, looked like he immediately completely understood what Hisoka was getting at.

“Oh... You can, absolutely. But you don't have to keep using my title. I consider the session to be over.”

Hisoka nodded and smiled, putting the glass aside. There was a beat of silence in which Illumi put a blanket around his shoulders and then smoothly transitioned from that to loosening the shibari on his legs. Afterwards, he just held him for a while. “Do you want to take another bath together?” he asked. Hisoka's smile widened.

“Yes.”

-

Both wearing the plushest bathrobes, smelling like lavender and rosemary, their skin still pink from the heat of the water, Illumi and Hisoka were sharing the hanging chair on the small balcony on the second floor. Hisoka, who was barefaced, and now void of the collar – the other had insisted to finally take it off as he cleaned him – had his feet in Illumi's lap, who had actually lit a blunt for himself and was currently in the process of smoking it. Hisoka was definitely not trying to speed-draw him in his sketchbook to immortalise the scene.

“Is this your cigarette after sex?”

Illumi chuckled and smoke trailed from his lips as he did. “In a sense. It's more like my cigarette before bed. The meds help me sleep through the night but this helps me relax enough to get tired in the first place. Especially after long days.”

“I see.” Hisoka made himself comfortable and stretched his legs, and resumed trying to capture Illumi's handsome features in a loose sketch. It had been a long day, hadn't it? He was definitely ready for bed himself. But right now, he felt far too cosy to move. Plus... he didn't really look forward to having to change his sheets beforehand--

“That flowery dress...” Illumi interrupted his thoughts, and Hisoka looked up from his sketchbook. “Is it for sale?”

Hisoka laughed dryly and raised an eyebrow. “Not really, no.” It's not good enough to be sold, anyway. “It was just a project for one of my classes.” And my worst grade of this semester. Hisoka resisted the urge to open the page that held the design and tear it out, so he simply snapped the sketchbook shut and tossed it to the floor. “What would you even want it for?”

Illumi took a drag and it looked every bit as hot as Hisoka had imagined it before – maybe even more so. The smoke also had a more sweetly smelling quality to it than from regular cigarettes, herbal aroma encompassing them both and then quickly fleeting into the still-warm night air. Hisoka didn't mind it all too much. The pleasant scent of the bath lingered much more. 

“My little sister would love it, I'm sure.”

“Your little sister wears ball-gowns? How old is she?”

“She turns thirteen soon. And she likes dressing up.”

“Oh, well... Um. I'm flattered, but no. It's not my best work and I'd rather not give it to someone.”

Illumi's eyebrows lifted, then scrunched a little. On his face, it looked almost comically exaggerated, despite meeting only the bare minimum of requirements to count as an expression at all. “Not your best work? That dress was incredible.”

Hisoka pressed his lips together, his smile turning a bit bitter, exhaustion making him run his mouth as it always did, “See, I thought so too at first but I ran out of time and my teacher made it very clear it was a piece of shit.” An instant of silence stretched, and Hisoka, feeling like he'd said too much, fished for his glass of iced tea, and took a sip. 

So much for his plan of keeping the flawless, ever-attractive sugar-baby attitude alive. This was decidedly unsexy. Who the fuck would want someone who complained about something like that, was insecure about something as stupid as academic success? Apparently the sex – despite being fantastic, no doubt – hadn't been enough to bury the rage over his failed project completely. He should’ve just shut up and-

“Hisoka.”

“Hm?”

“I'm sorry your teacher said that to you.”

“Well...” And now he just felt like an asshole. “Maybe she didn't-... not word-for-word, I mean, but...” He trailed off.

Illumi tilted his head and continued, “If you like it, you shouldn't care if other people do, too. You've poured so much work into it. That in and of itself is enough reason to be proud of it, don't you think?”

He should have just nodded and left it at that. But instead, more words kept tumbling out, “What good is all of that if it's not seen the way I see it? If they just don't understand.” If it's not perfect.

“That sounds like their problem, not yours.”

Hisoka looked at the other man for a moment, and then scoffed. Easier said than done. Something like this wouldn't change his grade, wouldn't change the way the world interacted with him. Wouldn't change the way he saw himself. He fumbled with his fingers.

“Besides,” Illumi continued, “There are always people who like it, even if they might not see it in the exact same way as you or fully understand it the way you do.”

Hisoka watched as the other man exhaled smoke into the balmy, mild air, keeping eye contact with him as he did. With any other person he'd have immediately flushed those words of advice down the toilet, fully dismissing them, but with Illumi... Hisoka actually took a moment to think about them.

Maybe he could adjust the dress for Illumi's sister... rework a few seams... fix some mistakes.

He looked out over the twinkling lights of the city. Illumi softly brushed a hand along one of his ankles and the ropemarks there, the everlasting hint of adoration even present in a small touch like this. Hisoka didn't want him to stop, nor did he want this moment to be over.

“I know you said I can't consent to anything immediately after a session, but... I've been thinking,” he said into the reassuring comfort of the darkness surrounding them, and Illumi looked over, taking another drag, as Hisoka continued, “Could we talk about the contract soon?”

With the biggest smile Hisoka had ever seen blooming on his face, Illumi said,

“Whenever you're ready.”

Chapter Text

“Don't be shy now... They came for a show. So show them how hard you are for me.”

Pause. Skip back. Play.

“Don't be shy now...”

Illumi cocked his head as he said it, his eyes never leaving the blind-folded, flushed form that squirmed in his grasp. The smile playing on his lips was clearly visible on screen, the adoration in his half-closed eyes perceptible despite the quite limited amount of pixels.

“That's it...” Even as a recording, the soft praise immediately caused goosebumps to resurface on Hisoka's skin. The gentle voice stood in such contrast with the more unrelenting elements of the scene – the collar, the ropes, the blindfold. The raw lust of it all. Hisoka watched himself moan as Illumi grabbed and stroked his cock in the video, his fingers looking elegant as ever as he did. Like he was sculpting a statue with his ministrations. Nothing he did ever had even a hint of insecurity to it.

It was a lazy, grey morning, and Hisoka found himself frustrated beyond comparison. Holding the phone and watching, one of his hands danced along the hem of his sleeping pants. His eyes never left Illumi on screen, his own breath feeling hot and hard on his lips. God, he craved those hands on his skin, craved the voice-- he'd never envied his digital reflection as much as in that moment. His sharp nails dipped under the fabric but then promptly halted.

Focus, Hisoka. This isn't why you decided to rewatch it.

He pulled back his hand and took a deep, grounding breath. A few minutes of self-restraint won't kill you.

Pause. Skip back. Play.

“That's it...”

He watched it play out once more. He needed to know. When had it happened?

He tried to concentrate on Illumi's face and his movements alone, which wasn't as simple as he'd anticipated when he'd come up with the amazing idea to do some secret research about his dom. There was a lot happening on screen. Next to his own theatrical moans and motions, the racing chat and the everlasting donations made up a big part of the frame – and the notifications of people sending him money had grown almost as frantic as the regular chat by now. No wonder his profits were through the roof. As he watched the messages flit by, he quickly grew distracted again by the frequent pop-ups.

ActuallyQuiteInoccent donated $50: pleaaaaase NEVER get a room, I can't get enough of thissss!!!!!

satanssugardad donated $29: damn you guys are good keep up the good work

_-cha0ticsw1tch-_ donated $100: flush, u really upped ur game! so happy pins decided to join again! ur perfect together! hands down my fav streamers on this platform!

Yes__Master donated $70: ♡ ♡ ♡

SlaaaWt donated $69: am i the only one who's extremely weak for PinsAndNeedles301??? like damn imagine having such a boyfriend??? Flush_Of_Hearts is so LUCKY, i'm jealous

Hisoka chuckled. You can be jealous all you want, you won't get a piece of him, boyfriend or not.

“Are you close already?” Illumi's voice pulled his focus and he stopped reading.

“Yes, Sir. I'm sorry...” Another smile from his almost-official-dom on screen, one of his hands dipping lower. Hisoka's legs jumped parallel to his virtual counterpart's, and his eyes followed the other man's hands, watching as he teased him with his fingers. He lifted the phone a bit and glanced down. Ah, he hadn't imagined it. There was an obvious tent in his pants right now. Hisoka sighed. Well, good morning.

Apparently his body hadn't gotten the memo of not getting distracted, and his annoyance mounted with it. Well, luckily he had a mind of steel and--

“Don't worry about it. You have my permission to come.”

--now his brain had also abandoned the mission. Ah, fuck it. He could multitask, right?

Pause. Lube. Play.

With his sweatpants pushed down around his ankles, he took himself in hand and bent his knees, spread his legs a little more, still holding the phone with the other to keep watching. He tried to mimic Illumi's hands in speed and motion as he touched himself, all of him still warm and cosy from sleep, while doing his best to observe the expressions he hadn't been able to see the first time around.

The visual reminder helped his mind return to that evening, and while his own touches now could only bring a faded version of all of that back to him, it was nonetheless quite nice. His eyes almost fell closed as he got lost in the memories; the heat, the heady feeling...

Digital and actual moans began to mingle, though his current ones were much quieter due to the lack of an audience, the lack of a show. It had been a while since he'd masturbated like this and just for himself, by himself.

A low chuckle coming from his phone's speakers sent shivers across his body and made him buck his hips into his fist. He blinked at the screen again.

“Yes?” Illumi asked.

“I- … please... ah--!”

“You're not making a lot of sense. Please what?” 

Hisoka started to sound desperate in the recording, the shame making his voice tremble.

“I-- I need something inside, please, please– use your fingers–”

Subsequent embarrassment tinting his cheeks now, Hisoka wanted to look away from his phone, but then it happened: Illumi paused for a second. His lips parted the tiniest amount and he took a soundless breath before another soft smile was playing on his lips. Hisoka's eyes widened as he watched the other man push some strands of hair behind his ear, revealing more of his cheeks. They were dusted in a soft rose colour. Hisoka stopped moving his hand and sat up more.

There it is.

He had found the exact moment where the composed demeanour, the lightless eyes, the levelled breathing, had given way to the blush, to the slightly opened mouth, to the softness and the want he'd come to find when the blindfold had been removed. 

He had to make sure.

Pause. Skip back. Play.

“–ase, please– use your fingers–”

Minute hesitation. Tiny inhale. Hair behind the ear. Flushed cheeks.

Pause.

Hisoka held his breath and watched the still image.

No doubt. It was the begging. The second Hisoka had started to openly, shamelessly plead for his dom to touch him, arousal had painted Illumi's features.

Play.

It didn't wane past that point – the colour stayed. Every time Hisoka threw back his head with a moan, Illumi tilted his head in parallel, albeit slower, watching him like a predator its prey. A particularly messy “Yes, yes, please, god--” tumbled from his past self's lips and Hisoka caught Illumi exhaling visibly, closing his eyes for a second, and leaning in the tiniest amount. When he opened his eyes again, his gaze dropped to Hisoka's mouth, but then he pulled back a bit, instead re-angling his fingers and causing more scrambled noises from his sub. Incredible self-restraint on Illumi's part.

Hisoka couldn’t even dream of having that much impulse control – his hand flinched as his body remembered the delicious feeling of falling apart, and as soon as he heard Illumi's deep hum of approval, his own barely kept composure snapped like a twig.

Oh fuck-- Pause. Pause--

In a rush of heat, he tossed the phone aside and rolled onto his stomach, before promptly pushing himself onto his knees. But the sounds continued – his moaning, the unmistakably wet sounds of being fingerfucked with copious amounts of lube involved, Illumi's low voice praising him softly – somehow he must've missed the right button in his hurry.

Oh well, he'd continue his research another time or just skip back later. He had already found some gold, right? For now, he pressed his face into his pillow and let his fantasies – no, memories – guide him as he shamelessly rocked into his own fist.

The thought of calm and composed Illumi wanting him, wanting him so much it almost caused his poise to crack when he thought Hisoka couldn't see, made him squirm with arousal. He wanted to finger himself, but upon hearing the other man's voice again, one of Hisoka's hands shot to his throat instead, imitating the pressure of the collar as best as he could.

He angled his face so he could still catch a glimpse of the screen, and watched Illumi count down with a stern expression, his tone hard, while his cheeks and ears were so pink in contrast, obviously struggling to maintain his restraint. Hisoka knew where this was going – he waited for the right moment, then thumbed along his slit right when he saw Illumi lean in and spit--

A feeble moan escaped him as the phantom sensation slammed back into his body with surprising weight and he spilled into his own hand at the same moment his digital reflection came. Panting, he sunk back down onto the sheets just a few moments after, no concern about how he must've looked right now.

He looked at his palm, streaks of white and remnants of lube on it. Thank God he hadn't been streaming right now, because that would have been anticlimactic to say the least. And embarrassingly fast on top.

Still somewhat catching his breath, he pulled a box of tissues close and cleaned himself before sitting up and stretching, finally shaking the sweatpants entirely off of his legs. He could've continued watching, and done some more research, but he felt like it was currently unnecessary, so he finally pressed pause and turned to look out of the window.

It was raining again. It had been for days. The second the high of his orgasm faded, the frustration returned.

So far, his hot boy summer wasn't going as planned. It was beginning to look a lot more like “Extremely Horny Boy Stuck in Self-Elected Golden Cage of Indefinite Blue-Balling”-Summer. When he'd started to share the condo with Illumi he'd imagined their day-to-day much differently. Mainly: much, much more frequent sex. That was what their entire arrangement was about, right? But in the week and a half he was already living here, he had seen his stunningly handsome room-mate a whopping two times. And neither of those encounters had ended in them being tangled up naked or with anyone's body parts inside of anyone else. Hisoka wasn't even sure they had touched properly at all ever since their last session. And now, the first symptoms of withdrawal were making themselves known:

Extreme Boredom. Impatience. Anger. The inexplicable urge for property damage. Y'know, just the usual.

Illumi hadn't seen these shades of him yet because up until now, he'd consistently delivered. Their sessions left Hisoka with so many nice marks and such satisfaction that he didn't feel the need to act up and cause trouble. Also, the extreme exhaustion that came with their little games kept him from doing so. He actually needed some physical recovery time in between sessions. But now the ten day mark was past him and all of the treasured, lingering sensations were slowly ebbing, giving way to the usual hunger for more.

And Illumi wasn't home.

Hisoka shouldn't have been so surprised, he thought. Theoretically, he'd already known Illumi was working like a machine, however, before the start of summer break, his own projects for uni had kept him so busy he had never fully realised just how long Illumi's days were, and how long a day without him could be when the shared condo suggested he should be available more often. Or at least more easily accessible. But in actuality he didn't even stop slaving away on the weekends, though Hisoka wasn't sure if that was only due to Silva's recent request to make up for the loss in commission.

No matter if what was currently happening was the norm or not – Hisoka only knew they hadn't had time for another session, yet alone a single moment to discuss their contract or a chance to have a strategic meeting before the brunch with Illumi's family, which was an inconvenience that was steadily drawing nearer with the upcoming weekend, and something Hisoka was still slightly panicking about. He didn't even have an outfit for it yet – and he wasn't sure Illumi was aware of how much of a problem that was. He was in dire need of assistance but Mister Real Estate had decided to be annoying and fuck off.

So, why had he spent the morning watching porn of himself and jerking off like a sad loser alone in his own bed? Well, aside from the obvious – there was no one else available to do the touching for him at the moment, so he had to take matters into his own hand – he had felt the need to find something, anything, that could help him get a little more of Illumi's attention and retain it for longer than a few minutes. And now he had one thing to go on: Begging. Huzzah.

He didn't know where the fuck to go from here. His discovery didn't change shit about the fact that Illumi was still out of the house.

Most of the time, the subject of his desire left long before Hisoka even woke up and came home hours after he'd gone to sleep. The two times he had managed to catch him, Illumi had been so exhausted he had retreated to bed only a few minutes later, clearly not in the mood for a lengthy conversation or something as taxing as a session. And so far, Hisoka had respected that and kept his disappointment to himself. He'd hoped Illumi would soon be consumed by his own pining and come running on his own. But he hadn’t. So entire days had passed, without them getting to see each other even once.

Their only steady channel of communication at the moment was their texts. And currently, those were decidedly unsexy, almost offensively domestic. Patience decidedly wearing thin, Hisoka needed an ace up his sleeve to utilise this limited medium to its fullest. He doubted begging via text would have the desired effect – and there was no way he would stoop that low anytime soon – so he opened the chat on his phone and scrolled back a few days, hoping to find something else he could use to his advantage.

[Tuesday]

Illumi, 04:33 a.m.: Good morning, Hisoka. I hope you've slept well. Our groceries get delivered around noon today, so please don't be alarmed when you find our housekeeper in the kitchen at some point.

Hisoka, 9:03 a.m.: Morning. ❤ Thanks for letting me know, I was fully prepared to stab any intruder, you know. :P Are you free tonight?

Illumi, 1:21 p.m.: I'm hosting an open house party for one of our clients, so I'm afraid I'll be quite late.

Hisoka, 1:28 p.m.: Aw. Have fun~ Steal some snacks for me?

Illumi, 04:07 p.m.: Thank you. I might.

Illumi, 00:46 a.m.: Goodnight, Hisoka.

And then Illumi had actually brought some snacks home for him. The next morning, Hisoka had found a note on the table and a selection of fancy little hors d'oeuvres in the fridge. He couldn't really discern what any of them were but they had been delicious nonetheless.

[Wednesday]

Illumi, 04:15 a.m.: Good morning, Hisoka. Did you sleep well?

Hisoka, 9:53 a.m.: Hello, handsome. ❤ Thanks for the stolen food. I'm starting to feel like a bad influence, haha. As for sleep, I did, though it wasn't all that long.

Illumi, 11:14 a.m.: Oh? Why is that? Is the mattress not to your liking?

Hisoka, 11:18 a.m.: Nono, nothing like that. It was a much nicer reason. My muse didn't just kiss me, it pushed me up against the nearest wall and didn't let me go til 2 in the morning. Look.

He had sent several pictures of his latest sketches at that point, pages upon pages of designs he had come up with the night before. Most of them were skimpy outfits, consisting of tight fabrics, PVC, latex, suggestive cuts, lots and lots of exposed skin, while always dancing a fine line between drop-down-gorgeous with a hint of elegance, and overtly slutty.

Something that, in Hisoka's mind, downright screamed: Come and claim me, you have the exclusive rights to this, I'm showing you this for a reason. And it seemed to work at first, because only a few hours later, Illumi replied with:

Illumi, 01:12 p.m.: Oh, these are nice. The bodysuit is my favourite. Are they for your stream or for another university project?

Hisoka, 01:15 p.m.: Wouldn't you like to know~ :P

Illumi, 01:50 p.m.: I would, indeed. I hope I can see any of them live soon, preferably on you.

Hisoka, 01:52 p.m.: Play your cards right and you might. ;)

He'd been so sure to stir up a sexy little conversation with that one, and Illumi had seemed interested, you know, to the full extent grammatically correct texts without any emojis could convey, but the rest of the afternoon had been quiet again, so Hisoka – slightly annoyed by that point – had decided to go shopping instead of waiting. Around dinnertime, he had sent another picture of his haul from the fabric store – and deliberately left some of his other purchases lingering on the edge: a few new toys, and hot pink lingerie. Mainly to try and get the other man's attention again, but, after the silence had already stretched itself into the evening, Illumi had instead simply responded with:

Illumi, 08:22 p.m.: Leave the receipts on my desk, I will pay for all of it.

And nothing else. Lost him, Hisoka thought. God damn it.

Hisoka, 09:09 p.m.: So generous. ❤

Being frustrated with Illumi was hard, because he was so bloody thoughtful and polite all the time. Hisoka didn't know how to make his grievances known to him, and he was too proud to downright ask him when he'd be home next time to plough him. Only having been in the apartment for ten days, Hisoka was acutely aware of how they were still in the weird limbo of not really knowing each other, while already living together, but not having any substantial arrangement or name to their involvement – besides maybe “room-mates”, yuck – which made every attempt at friendly banter or suggestive communication from Hisoka's side unnecessarily hard to manoeuvrer. Did sugar-babies get to make sexual requests? Or was that part limited to material things? Which wishes did he get to proclaim as a room-mate? Or as a sub? Not knowing where exactly he stood and what his role in the other man's life truly was at the moment, none of his usual strategies seemed to be suitable for this kind of situation. The ones he had tried hadn't been fruitful so far. Why and when had being alone started to feel like a joke without a punchline? It left him stranded.

After pushing that mountain of thoughts aside – and staring at the most recent exchange for way too long – he'd spent the rest of the evening bringing his new designs to life – the fitted bodysuit with tasty little cut-outs complimenting the best parts of his body was the first one on his list, of course. Imagine his excitement when his sewing session had been interrupted by another notification lighting up his phone's screen a few hours later.

Hisoka, 09:09 p.m.: So generous. ❤

Illumi, 01:36 a.m.: It's my pleasure. Goodnight, Hisoka.

Oh? He listened for noises in the condo and then picked up his phone, typing quickly.

Hisoka, 01:37 a.m.: Are you home?

Illumi, 01:40 a.m.: Nearly. Just parked.

This was his chance! Before he could think of anything else, he'd already sent the next message.

Hisoka, 01:41 a.m.: Meet you on the balcony?

Illumi, 01:41 a.m.: Yes, I'd like that. I will be there in a few minutes.

Hisoka had been extremely giddy about catching his-- sugar-daddy-dom-room-mate-whatever at that point, his body already conditioned for anticipating arousal with every run-in they had. Throwing the phone aside, he briefly contemplated slapping on a nicer outfit and doing his hair and makeup but by the time he'd made his way to his bathroom and finished washing his face, he already heard the other man opening the door of his floor’s corridor.

So instead of a frantic erotic adventure, there had been casual comfort between them. Which wasn't all that surprising because he had been clad in sweatpants, and a tee with his university’s logo on it – both articles full of fluff and tiny, cut off pieces of thread from his sewing – and with his freckles on full display. Not really a sight anyone would get the hots over. Nothing he felt compelled to act particularly sexy in either. But it wasn't a complete catastrophe, nothing uncomfortable at least. He was just happy to see the other man again.

He'd watched an evidently very tired Illumi smoke, showed him his sketchbook by request and explained his ideas for the designs, and then, after what could only be described as an endless exchange of yawns, they had soon retreated to their separate bedrooms. A chaste, herbal-flavoured kiss to his cheek was the highlight of the night, and a little later, he'd found himself staring at the window above his bed, counting the stars while continuing his fantasy of what could have happened if the kiss had turned into something more. Like a needy idiot.

Current Hisoka scrolled past the string of exchanges of the next day, the usual good-mornings and how-are-yous flying by, then not much else. He remembered he'd spent half of that day at the gym, trying to tire himself out with another type of exhaustion, to take his mind off of the thoughts circling around the other man, but it hadn't really worked.

His scrolling finally halted at the point where he'd truly realised how impatient he was getting, and that waiting for much longer wouldn’t really be an option anymore. All of his wants had been easier to ignore when Illumi hadn't been so teasingly close, even just for a moment. The chance meeting with him late at night had Hisoka's desire spiking considerably. So upon arriving home from his workout, he'd wasted no time getting dolled up and trying his luck again.

[Yesterday]

Hisoka, 06:09 p.m.: Hey there Mister Zoldyck. ❤ Should I order dinner for the both of us? Or we could grab a bite somewhere? I feel pretty enough for a night out.

He'd attached a selfie of himself leaning on the kitchen counter, beautiful makeup and flawless off-shoulder outfit on display, teasing a view of his chest with the low cut. Propping up his chin with a hand, his freshly done nails drew attention to the smirking corner of his mouth, and from there, the eye was invited to wander more. He'd even chosen a necklace reminiscent of a collar to tug at that part of Illumi's brain, hoping to get a quicker reaction out of the other man.

But the usual hours of radio silence had followed. He was already hangry when his phone lit up again and what he saw disappointed him even more.

Illumi, 08:32 p.m.: My apologies, I only just saw this. I had dinner with a client, and I will be out for a while. I hope you have a pleasant evening nonetheless. Whatever you decide to eat tonight is on me.

Getting absolutely no reaction to the selfie had left Hisoka more than a little sour, he had to admit. And at that moment, hungry, alone, and frustrated, he kinda hoped Illumi and his client would choke on whatever they had ordered. To his immense surprise, he had managed to stay somewhat polite, reminding himself that no matter which role he was supposed to play here, no one liked a whiny bitch. Ever.

Hisoka, 08:36 p.m.: What a shame~ Can I use the kitchen?

Illumi, 9:11 p.m.: Of course.

Hisoka, 09:12 p.m.: Yay! (˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)

He'd spent the rest of the evening cooking himself his favourite comfort food – Mediterranean risotto – emptying an entire bottle of wine by himself, watching a trashy reality TV show while doing his skin-care routine, and then treating himself to half a container of bourbon vanilla ice cream. It was past midnight when he was out of wine, out of food, and out of fucks to give, so he shot that unknowingly cruel, but so, so very addictive and kind man another text, a picture of his freckled cheek and half-lidded eye framed by loose red strands.

Hisoka 00:28 a.m.: Sweet dreams Illu. ❤

Double-texting was a hard no-go in his book. And he had never, ever sent anyone a picture of his naked face before – though he had made sure it could only be viewed once on Illumi’s phone. If he'd been sober, he would've never dared to do it – it all reeked of desperation. And looking back, he hoped he hadn't been too obvious about it all. To his utter detriment, the semi-open affection hadn't even worked. So now his double-text just made him look like an obnoxious, clingy bitch, a feeling Illumi's next replies cemented further. Hisoka cringed as he read on.

Illumi, 02:41 a.m.: Goodnight, Hisoka.

Illumi, 02:42 a.m.: P.S. If you ever need anything you can't find in the kitchen or the condo in general, just let our housekeeper know. I'm sending you her information, my apologies for not thinking of that sooner.

I showed you my freckles, for fuck's sake, no filter or anything, and all I get is a “Goodnight, Hisoka” and some helpful service information?! Are you kidding me??

Hisoka was practically throwing himself at Illumi at this point – he didn't know how much more explicit he had to be. And Illumi's responses were all so domestic, polite and casual. A far cry from sexy. Did he even want Hisoka anymore? People said marriage killed the attraction. But apparently, in their case, all they had to do was to move in together.

The biggest bummer was what Hisoka had woken up to this morning, the message that had kicked off his entire research scheme in the first place.

[Today]

Illumi, 5:17 a.m.: Good morning, Hisoka. I have a few appointments out of town today, so it's very likely I'll come home late. Don't wait for me with dinner. Have a nice day.

Back to square one. Hisoka pouted, not really sure how to proceed from here. He'd woken up over an hour ago, and he still hadn't found an eloquent way to reply.

He'd thought rewatching the stream and learning more about the other man's hidden preferences would help him come up with some kind of master plan but he just had more questions. From the baffling fact that Illumi was apparently able to function on roughly two hours of sleep – well, he did have insomnia after all – to his constant absence and only coming home once he was on the brink of absolute exhaustion, to him taking the extra step and mention he would be late today – would that mean even later than usual? Or was that somehow meant to discourage Hisoka from asking any more questions? Because it did. He had no real means to coax Illumi into... well, quite literally putting his work aside to give him attention.

Is this what has you so distracted from your work?

Also... yeah. That. He wasn't keen on causing him any trouble with Zoldyck Senior. Simultaneously, he didn't know how much longer he could bear having Illumi so tantalisingly close while simultaneously so very far away. He was running out of options.

He just... missed him? … Oh, ew. Where had that thought come from?

That was the thing about not having enough sex. Your mind started telling you things like “it's not just the sex you're craving, you're lonely, you're miserable, and maybe you need therapy”. Which was obviously bogus.

Hisoka peeled himself out of bed, stretching again while making his way into the bathroom, mentally collecting all of his recent-- finding. Singular.

So, his dom had a begging kink. Great. That was far from “ace up his sleeve” material in his current situation. He needed something else to get Illumi's attention first.

Maybe he was looking at all of this from the wrong angle. He'd tried playing along and being polite. Should he go for provocation instead? Ask Illumi if he would be okay with Hisoka going out and finding a suitable substitute while he was so busy with his oh-so-important work? Maybe even send him some screenshots of the DMs he received after every single stream, of people asking him for a one night stand with a pic of their dick or pussy attached, acting like he was tempted to accept such a tasteless offer.

The brat in him actually contemplated the idea. Grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him violently, the more sensible side chimed in with a No, no, no, out of the question!

There was a real chance Illumi would just meet him a levelled “Okay, go ahead.” and not take the bait – or worse, not even recognize it as such and truly be okay with it – because they weren't dating or contracted dom and sub. He had never refused any of Hisoka's wishes. It was too risky.

It was a fact that Illumi had only shown shades of possessiveness in one session, but Hisoka hadn't had the time to find out if it had just been for show or the real deal. After all, in one of their first more substantial conversations, he had told him how much he respected his need to be seen by others. It was likely that he would have no trouble sharing him, at least in the context of the stream. And besides, if Hisoka was being honest with himself, even if he actually wanted to look for someone to tide him over – which he didn't – he wasn't in the mood for an endless search for a rando who probably couldn't even bring him close to what Illumi usually offered him. And it was raining.

All in all a very bad plan.

So, he had begging on one end of the spectrum – nuh-uh – and a dangerously long leash on the other side – less than ideal. What a shitty hand life had dealt him.

While brushing his teeth, he shot his phone another quizzical look. Maybe he could – how would his awfully taste-misguided teacher say – tone it down and find just the right amount of provocation and begging? Without making a complete fool of himself? Middle grounds, to so speak.

After making himself breakfast – time he had used to let the idea simmer a bit – he picked up his phone with a plan in mind. Chewing a spoonful of warm porridge with fresh slices of fruit and a selection of nuts in it, he began to type.

Illumi, 5:17 a.m.: Good morning, Hisoka. I have a few appointments out of town today, so it's very likely I'll come home late. Don't wait for me with dinner. Have a nice day.

Hisoka, 10:24 a.m.: Good morning, Illu. ❤ Always so busy. Can I use your tub?

Step 1: Start with an unsuspicious question, some small talk.

Hisoka put the phone down and waited.

He was sketching on the balcony a few hours later, under the huge sunshade, when his phone buzzed again. It was around Illumi's typical lunchtime.

Illumi, 01:46 p.m.: Of course.

So far, so good. Now, time was of the essence. He typed as quickly as he could.

Step 2: Keep him on the phone by piquing his interest.

Hisoka, 01:47 p.m.: Thank you. ❤ I'm planning on streaming tonight, so sad you can't join. You wouldn't happen to know where you left my collar? You always seem to hide it when we're done, I can't find it anywhere.

Humming, he sent the message and waited. He saw the indicator of Illumi reading it and then suddenly his phone started ringing. Hisoka's smile stretched into a wicked grin and he picked up.

“Yes, hello?” He did his best to sound surprised.

“Hello, Hisoka. I'm not sure I follow. What would you need the collar for in a solo stream?”

“Well, you might not be here but it would feel wrong to stream without. I've gotten quite used to it. And they should see I'm still yours, mh?”

There was a long silence on the other end. Then: “I agree.” Illumi had the careful tone of someone who already had a notion of being fucked with, but it was apparent he didn't know how exactly it was going to go down. Just according to Hisoka’s plan. He couldn't help but grin again.

“Could you help me find it then? Please.”

Another pause. “Go to my bedroom.”

Yes, Sir, Hisoka's mind immediately responded. He abandoned his sketchbook on the balcony table and ventured into the assigned room. “Okay~ I'm here. What now?”

“The foot-end of the bed is liftable.”

Hisoka blinked and made his way there. He tried to push it up and it gave way with ease, soundlessly gliding towards the ceiling in the effortless way only truly expensive pieces of furniture did. As he looked down he felt like he'd just uncovered buried treasure. Well, he had.

In the bed frame below the mattress sat a sizable collection of luxurious whips, ropes, gloves, gags, blind-folds, lube, play-piercings, toys of any imaginable size and kind, you name it. And oh my god, he spotted strap-on gear.

All of the goodies were neatly kept in their separate, open-faced boxes, almost clinically arranged. He'd been looking for this for weeks. Illumi's stash of fun. In the middle of it all sat his collar, polished and perfect, on an actual fucking silk pillow.

“Oh,” he breathed out. Little Hisoka doesn't want to get picked up from the ball-pit, please leave him there forever--

“Did you find it?” came Illumi's voice from the speaker.

Hisoka swallowed the saliva flooding his mouth. “I did.” His mind opened up like a Netflix library of countless naughty fantasies for him to choose from.

“Hisoka.”

“Mmm~?”

“Only take your collar. Do you understand?” Illumi said this very slowly, punctuating every single word. Hisoka couldn't have wished for a more perfect set-up for his plan.

Step 3: Make him realise he can't control you from far away.

Hisoka made sure his voice communicated a lie when he said, “Of course.” After a brief moment he added, “Thank you for showing me.”

The other end of the line went quiet once more and Hisoka imagined Illumi's eyes narrow in doubt. He waited for another question from him, but eventually, his dom simply said: “I hope your stream goes well. I will watch it when I can” - I will know when you misbehave - “and send my usual donations. Have fun.”

Now the grin was evident in Hisoka's voice when he said, “Oh, I will. Thank you, Illu. Bye-bye~” He hung up, looked back at the stash of toys and picked up his collar. Now, where to begin...

-

When he started streaming that evening, his audience was greeted by an unfamiliar setting. The room was far from plush, no overflow of pink – instead it was kept in shades of dark green with accents of gold. Hisoka leaned back from the camera, the ring of the collar dangling playfully, giving way to a view of his brand-new handmade latex bodysuit. He'd spend the better part of the day and evening finishing it, and now the cut-outs in the glossy material perfectly framed the space between his pecs down to his navel – drawing attention to his narrow waist – as well as his wide hips and his thighs, where the material came to an end in the form of provokingly short shorts. In contrast, long sleeves stretched up to his fingertips on his arms.

He loved latex. It left absolutely nothing to fantasy. And it made him look like an extremely expensive piece of candy, which was always a nice thought to have. His makeup complimented the outfit with a classic smokey eye, the usual playful tear and star painted on his cheeks.

Hisoka gave a wave from gloved fingers and smiled as he made himself comfortable on the tidy bed that clearly belonged to Illumi – the colours of his collar and the room perfectly matching gave it away even to the densest of audience members.

“Hello, lovelies~ It's been a while since I've had you all to myself. I hope you're doing fantastic.” He rounded his eyes with perfectly performed intrigue and a hum, scanning the chat. “My, my, there are so many of you here tonight, even though I've barely announced this stream,” he chuckled, “Well, the more the merrier - and messier,” he grinned, “Are you ready to start your weekend with some fun?”

Hisoka wasn't technically breaking any rules. True to his word, he hadn't taken any toys from Illumi’s stash, and instead brought some from his own collection to this room. Raiding the hoard had never been part of his plan to begin with, though a lot was riding on the fact that Illumi believed it was. It was also true he flat-out hadn't bothered to ask the other man if he could stream on his bed, purposefully misleading him with other questions. Illumi would probably hate this.

But oh well, what had Mister Zoldyck expected him to do when he had guided him to this intimate place? To behave? That was no fun. Hisoka just couldn't help himself at this point. With Illumi being out of the house all the time, this had been bound to happen. He could come home and rein him in if he wanted him to stop. Hisoka just knew he couldn't resist forever with all the breadcrumbs he had left for him over the past few days. As soon as he could, Illumi would tune in. And then he would come running.

Step 4: Just wait. (And don't forget to have fun with it.)

With everything set up, Hisoka got to work. Albeit already starting the stream quite late in the evening, he intentionally stretched things by telling his viewers what a hard time he'd had since the last session, how cruelly PinsAndNeedles301 had left him to his own devices, and how he craved more – his streaming persona was allowed to whine and complain, because he always managed to still be seductive about it. It painted a picture that had his audience immediately invested.

R0ckH4rdAlpha donated $33: gimme your location babe I can help you out while daddy's gone

.:SUBwaysDOMinos:. donated $80: sending this to cover funeral costs because holy shit you're toast if pins finds out what you're doing rn

mommys-favorite-kitten89 donated $25: OOOHHH, naughty today, are we?? I like it hehe

All of the donations and the attached possibilities spurred him on to an extent he hadn't thought to still be possible without Illumi's help by this point. He found himself getting cocky, grinning from ear to ear, knowing that punishment waited for him as soon as his dom took notice of what he was doing.

Well, any kind of attention was fine with him by now, he mused.

He made a show of going through a selection of toys, presenting each to the camera as he examined them, really taking his time to choose a winner. “Can you believe he left me alone at home? I designed this bodysuit for him to see, you know, and he was so excited for it, but now he's not here to experience it. Truly, a shame~” He shot the camera a bratty smirk. “Guess you'll be the first ones to enjoy it, then.”

By the time Hisoka started kissing, licking and then sucking along a vibrator, that in its dimensions almost bordered on plug territory, he had been streaming for an hour already. Midnight steadily drew closer, but it was a Friday, so no one was bothered by that fact. That, and because the camera gave a too-perfect angle on what could only be called a POV shot of a blowjob. Hisoka knew exactly how to tilt his face, how to stage his body, so that all of him looked sinfully inviting and irresistibly slutty. He let himself get lost in the feeling, too, of the toy pushing deep into his throat, his eyes rolling back a bit before closing with a shameless moan.

When almost the entirety of the vibe's length was covered in a sheen of saliva, he moved off with a wet sound and kissed the tip with a grin and a flash of his canines, before he grabbed the lube and turned to reveal the most practical cut-out of his bodysuit – the one that offered easy access to his ass.  The opening was heart-shaped, of course. With his hands on the headboard of the bed, he bent low, lower still, his legs widely spread, rewarding his audience's patience with a glorious view of almost everything he had to offer. He shot a cheeky grin over his shoulder and dragged a hand along his firm ass, spreading himself a bit, pouring lube onto his hole. He chuckled breathily as he distributed and warmed the liquid on his skin with the help of his gloved fingers.

“I hope I can make it fit~”

Of course he could make it fit. Normally he would've been riding that toy in no time, but as it was with everything today, he took things slow, easing it inside of him inch by inch, deliberately flinching and moaning every now and then to make it seem like it was a true ordeal. 

Finally, he sunk down to the base, savouring the delicious stretch and the feeling of fullness. Biting his lips with a grin, he hummed and then lifted his hips again, finding a rhythm, the gloves sliding along the wood of the headboard and leaving shiny streaks in their wake. His eyes fell shut and he let himself be guided by his own wants and needs as well as the ever-increasing frequency of the donation sound.

“Ah fuck~ this is good...! Can't believe he made me wait for this--” He turned his head to have another look at the screen, to maybe read a few suggestions while he switched poses, but he didn't get there. Because standing in the open door, staring back at him with an unreadable gaze, he found Illumi.

Hisoka froze. There was a beat of complete silence.

Step 5: Profit?

“...You're home early,” Hisoka managed to say, his excitement immediately spiking, a cocky grin playing on his lips despite his heart promptly jumping into his throat. Similar to his own surprise, the notifications seemed to become quiet for a few moments before all of the sounds returned with much more force – even with Illumi still standing outside of the frame.

Hisoka watched his dom's eyes flit from the toy he was using back to his face, and then slowly take in the rest of the scene. The bodysuit brought clear recognition to his features and his lips parted slightly. Hisoka's eyes sharpened knowingly. After a beat of silence, one in which Illumi's lids lowered marginally, he ripped his gaze away from his form.

“It went more smoothly than expected,” he said, voice cool, but still checking the room for any of his toys. His gaze came to a halt on the table next to the velvet chair that sat in the corner across from the bed. Hisoka had left a pair of gloves there, along with a riding crop, a spanking strap, a paddle, and a remote control.

I know I misbehaved. Do with me as you please.

Illumi dropped his work bag with a thud and walked over, loosening his tie. Even after a long day, he still looked nothing short of delectable in his suit. Today he'd gone for a rich, dark navy three-piece.

“Keep going.” Illumi took a seat on the chair, crossed his legs to signal he wouldn't be moving for a while, and then shot his sub a calm but expectant look. Off to a great start, Hisoka thought. Now he could finally test a few theories and see what worked best.

He breathed out a “Yes, Sir,” with another smile and resumed his fun with the toy, which multiplied tenfold with the intensity of the eyes now on him, watching his every move. How he'd craved this... the only thing that was still missing was the other man's touch.

The tight latex embrace put so much pressure on his cock, firmly trapped against his sweat-slick skin, and with his true audience finally present, he was acutely aware of how hard he was.

Full of newfound motivation, he sensually rolled his hips along the toy, arching his back, flexing his shoulders as he did, in a way he knew was mesmerising to watch. For a few minutes, nothing besides his panting breaths, his melodic moans, and the lewd, wet sounds of his body taking and releasing the toy could be heard.

Suddenly a yelp escaped Hisoka as the toy came to life with vibrations, without any warning. Illumi made a small sound of recognition behind him and then pressed another button on the remote, switching to an intense, pulsing setting, which didn't leave Hisoka any time to adjust. With his head falling back, he moaned deeply as his hips stuttered along the toy, a lot less smoothly than before, and then stopped alltogether as he shivered and tried to get used to it.

“Go on,” came the reminder from the other man and Hisoka heard his voice shift as he made his way back to the door. “I'm getting myself a drink. The stream is open on my phone, so don't even think about stopping while I'm gone. I'll know.”

“Ah--understood, Sir.”

And with that, Illumi left the room. Hisoka glanced after him and then dutifully continued to gyrate his hips. Not only that, he used both of his gloved hands to spread himself more, giving his audience an even better view. It didn't take all too long until Illumi returned, but by the time he set foot back into the space, Hisoka's hair was slightly dishevelled and his cheeks had gained more colour. He shot his dom a pleading look.

Illumi watched him, standing a few feet from the bed, sipping his drink and savouring the flavour on his tongue as well as the scene unfolding in front of his eyes, before putting the glass down. Hisoka continued riding, even though his legs were noticeably shaking by now. A whine tumbled from his lips as the pulsing vibrations made every glide of the toy along his prostate a game of Russian roulette – whenever he caught one of the waves he was seeing stars. He wouldn't last long like this. “Can I please--”

“No. You're not in a position to make any requests.” So much for his plan to utilise the newly found begging kink to his advantage. Shit.

Illumi rolled up his sleeves and put on gloves. With a press of another button, the toy's throbbing abruptly ceased, leaving Hisoka utterly bereft. “I think you've had enough niceties for now and need to be reminded of your place. It's time for discipline. Move off the toy and put your hands on the headboard.”

Despite whining in protest, Hisoka obeyed, let the toy slip out of his body and placed his palms against the hardwood in front of him. Casting a look behind, he tried to see which of the provided options Illumi would select from the table but heard a stern “Eyes straight ahead.” So he turned again, the brat within him firmly deciding to go with the other available strategy if begging wasn't going to work. Provocation it is.

Soon, a gloved hand found his naked waist in one of the cut-outs.

“Now, let's see.” Illumi started listing things off as his thumb traced Hisoka's skin, “Using my bed without asking for permission. Showing your new design to everyone but me after I've explicitly made my wish known to see it. Claiming I've not given you enough attention-”

“Oh come on now, that part is true-- ah-!” Hisoka gasped as Illumi yanked his head back by his hair.

“Cutting me off. Acting up like this. That's a lot to accumulate in a single day. And you don't sound very sorry, baby.”

Baby.

His dick jumped with the word and the air was momentarily knocked out of Hisoka's lungs. Trying and failing to calm his pulse, he took a deep, steadying breath, and then started grinning like a madman with a death wish. Every single one of his words oozed insolence as he said, “That's probably because I'm not. Maybe you need to punish me, Sir.”

There was a second of stunned silence. Then, an audible inhale. Illumi's voice dropped into something low and dangerous. “Trust me. I intend to.”

His hand left Hisoka's hair. “So. About five things you've done today only for the sake of provocation. I think that warrants ten hits each. Fifty in total. Make sure you count them.”

“Yes, Sir.” How bad can it be? I'll have you for myself the entire time.

One of Illumi's hands found the ring of his collar, the other one wandered over the small of his back, down to the globes off his ass. He kept caressing the skin there, brushing his leather-clad fingers along the flesh in a gentle albeit notably possessive manner until it was nice and warmed up.

Then the first slap came. Hisoka flinched a little but really, only because it had startled him. It almost didn't hurt. “One,” he counted and wondered why the other man hadn't gone for any of the options he had provided, instead sticking to his own hands. Not that they were downright boring, but this wasn't particularly exciting so far. Illumi immediately rubbed the beaten area in the same soothing manner as before, and then, a while later, delivered the second slap. Hisoka blinked, almost confused, as it was equally lacklustre. He'd expected more. “Two.” Maybe Illumi wasn't as good at this as he was at other thi-

The next, sudden strike made him jump, as it was much harder than the ones before, aimed for the delicate space where his ass met the back of his thighs. Hisoka swallowed a curse and groaned, “Three.”

He heard a tiny exhale as Illumi chuckled soundlessly and Hisoka's mirth suddenly dropped. 

“What, did you think they’d stay this mild?” came Illumi’s inquiry from behind him, and Hisoka swallowed. Maybe, just maybe, there had been a slight miscalculation on his part. His dom raised his hand again.

Oh fuck.

By the time they'd made their way up to twenty-five, Hisoka was shaking and whimpering, his cock painfully hard and leaking in the constraints of his bodysuit. Illumi never struck the same spot twice. He spread his fingers for one slap, then kept them together on the next. Sometimes he simply teased and lifted his hand precariously – which made Hisoka tense and hold his breath in anticipation every time – only to bring it down gently again to caress his skin, and then, out of nowhere, deliver the actual slap. No two strikes felt the same, and getting used to the sensation was impossible.

Beyond that, the lack of actual skin-to-skin contact was starting to get to Hisoka. He had the entirety of the other man's attention, but he still felt far away.

Illumi traced his gloved fingers along the curves of the hot, reddened flesh of Hisoka's ass, dipping the digits into the crevice in the middle in a playful and contrastingly kind manner. Hisoka sighed, feeling the warmth in his face. Another unrelenting slap replaced the softness of the touch and Hisoka winced. “T-twenty-six,” he gritted out.

Illumi pulled his head by his hair again, and then kept pulling, pulled so far Hisoka was forced to sit back on his burning thighs, and then leaned over him. Hisoka blinked up at the lightless eyes above and caught himself with his hands on the mattress. Put-together and cool as ever, his dom took in his pained and flushed expression and cocked his head minimally. 

“I think it's time we found a new position for you. I'm tired of standing. Strip, go kneel next to the chair and wait for me.” Hisoka swallowed, the brat within him choking on its own foolish wishes.

“Yes, Sir.” Illumi let him go and Hisoka scrambled off of the bed, his backside stinging with every move he made. After peeling himself out of his suit – which proved quite difficult and also brought quite a bit of shame to the situation because now everyone would see at first glance what a mess he'd made of himself already – he lowered his bare form onto the carpet at the assigned position and watched as Illumi adjusted the lighting, turned the camera towards him, and then took care of the rest of the equipment.

With the new scene fully set, he closed in on the chair, took a seat, crossed his legs and had another sip of his drink. Looking over the selection of tools on the table, he completely ignored Hisoka, whose bratty side immediately roared for his undivided attention – the slightly more sensible part of him was glad for a brief reprieve from the ache. So he sat there, nude except for the collar, and waited, like a dog.

Having apparently made his decision, Illumi put the glass down with an audible clink, uncrossed his legs, and patted his thigh.

He didn't even fully look at Hisoka as he said, “Bend over, baby, we still have twenty-four to go.”

Hisoka hesitated for a brief moment but ultimately obliged – there was no saying no to Illumi. He gingerly draped himself across Illumi's lap, excitement and nervousness warring within him. The chair was spacious, but not generous enough for Hisoka to stretch and lie down in any way that was without tension. Being over six feet tall, he had to tuck in his limbs to make himself fit somehow, his cheek coming to rest against one of the arms of the chair, elbows and knees pressed into the cushion on either side of his dom's thighs.

Illumi helped him bend and move, and with his guidance, it only took a couple of minutes until Hisoka found himself slotted perfectly into a position he couldn't escape from so easily again. His feet were dangling in the air, crossed at the ankles, his hip elevated in Illumi's lap. Despite his height and size, he felt small and helpless like this.

A gentle trace of Illumi's thumb along the back of his reddened thighs made Hisoka lower his forehead against the fabric with a needy sound. The ring of the collar jingled as he moved. Illumi reached over and retrieved the wood handled strap sitting on the table – it was a single piece of thick, belt-like leather fastened to a holder in a loop. Hisoka squirmed as the free hand found its way back into his hair.

“Please--”

“Don't lose your count.”

A loud thwack cut through the air, closely followed by a pained gasp. Hisoka had trouble catching his breath with the intense sting, let alone form the words that pathetically tumbled from his lips a few seconds later: “Twenty-Seven...”

Slowly but surely, his voice started to match the following noisy slaps in volume and brevity. His gasps and cries were always cut-off, and sounded increasingly more desperate. Illumi kept a firm hold of his hair, not allowing him to hide anywhere. So Hisoka did what he could – he squirmed, he yelped, he submitted, he counted. He counted. He counted...

Forty-four was the number that finally broke him down, the pain reaching a level that was no longer something he could tune out, and he whimpered loudly as tears stung in his eyes.

“Ahh- Please--!” He actually sobbed, finally truly begged, “…please, Sir, I'm sorry for acting up--”

“You can apologise when I'm done with you,” came the cold, hard reply.

Hisoka shot a withering glance over his shoulder to find Illumi's unyielding eyes looking back at him. For a second he couldn't discern if his dom was truly mad at him, and something close to fear twisted in his stomach.

Why was he still shooting down his pleas? When had he become so unreadable again?

What if Illumi wouldn't touch him even after he was done punishing him?

What if he hadn't been in the mood to begin with? Had Hisoka grossly misread the situation?

What if he would just send him to his room and then disappear for god-knows-how-long again before he even woke up?

What if he already had enough of him, and had changed his mind about their arrangement alltogether?

Against Hisoka's will, his eyes glazed over. Illumi blinked. He immediately seemed to understand that something serious stood behind the reaction. He brushed a hand along Hisoka's bruised skin. The shift was only marginal, and the audience surely missed it, but his voice grew the tiniest bit softer as he inquired, “Can you still go?”

“Yellow,” Hisoka almost whispered with a shaking exhale. Right away, the hand ceased its hold of his hair and helped support his head instead by cradling his chin, then his cheek, guiding it down against the armrest. Illumi's eyes remained calm – though the unforgiving strictness had given way to a warmer kind of firmness that was familiar and reassuring – and didn't leave Hisoka's features as he put the strap aside for now. A thumb gently brushed along his jaw as the palm of the now-free hand found the small of his back, delivering careful touches in a place that was away from the pain. Grounding him, reminding him that there was still a part of him left that wasn't being punished.

There were a few much-needed moments of silence in which Hisoka managed to fight back his tears and calm his breathing. He closed his eyes, the weight of the collar around his neck returning to his conscious attention. Echoes of Illumi sounded in his mind.

The collar isn't just a pointer for when we are playing, not just a sign you'll submit to my dominance. It's a promise I'll keep you safe, to not overstep the lines you've shown me.

“Only six more,” Illumi said, his voice low. “Can you take them?”

Do you want me to stop?

Another deep breath. Hisoka searched Illumi's eyes. “I know it's not my place to make requests, but... can I hold on to some of you? Please.”

Illumi regarded him wordlessly and then let go of his chin and offered Hisoka his hand, who took it gratefully and squeezed. He could feel the warmth of his palm through the leather. Inhale, exhale. His pulse slowed a bit.

Everything was okay. They were playing. They both had their safewords and could tap out at any moment.

Hisoka leaned his forehead against the back of Illumi's hand and breathed again, breathed him in. He already had what he'd wanted. Illumi was here. There would be more of him to have if Hisoka could take the rest of his punishment. And he would. Like this, he could.

“Thank you, Sir. You can go on.”

“Are you sure?” Gold found black as their eyes met again.

Hisoka gave a weak smile, hidden away from the audience, just for Illumi to see. He was sure it looked quite pitiful, but Illumi's continued composure didn't implicate anything of the such.

“I'm sure,” he said. “Green. Six more.”

Illumi held his gaze for a moment longer before he picked up the strap again. He dragged the leather along the overly sensitive skin and Hisoka shivered. His eyes fell closed. The next hit struck the inside of his left thigh and he took a hissing inhale between clenched teeth.

“Forty-Five.”

A consoling caress along the welts.

Another strike low on his ass.

Hisoka flinched with a sharp noise and pressed his forehead down once more, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“Forty-Six.” The next slap immediately followed, delivered to his other butt-cheek, severe enough to rip a yelp from his throat. “Fffuck--!! F-forty-seven.” 

The dam broke. The tears were falling freely now, and he was sobbing again. Illumi brushed his thumb along the side of his sub’s hand, and the gesture brought a faint smile to Hisoka’s lips, despite everything. The pause that came after caused him to shiver with nervous anticipation.

Only three more. He could take them. He could take everything for Illumi.

His dom spanked him square across his entire ass next, the thwack echoing in the room, accompanied by a nearly simultaneous cry.

“Forty-Eight--” Hisoka pressed out, stifling a sob. Once again, the burning, throbbing sensation seemed to be everything that was left of him, and it made itself known in every breath he took, every noise he made, every tear rolling down his face in hot streaks. The only thing that kept him from slipping was the hand he was permitted to hold. The leather cracked across his skin once more and Hisoka bit his lip with a groan, instinctively flinching away from the pain but having nowhere to go. “Forty-Nine.”

Just one more-- Just one. His lip quivered.

“Look at me.” Hisoka's breath hitched. Hesitantly, and with glassy, red-rimmed eyes, he shifted to turn his face towards Illumi. There was a moment of silence where they just took each other in. Hisoka's flushed, wet cheeks, smeared makeup and slightly parted lips contrasted by Illumi's impassive stare, calm demeanour, and still offensively tidy appearance.

“I want you to remember this the next time you think about misbehaving.”

Hisoka nodded, not daring to avert his gaze. While keeping eye contact, Illumi brought the strap down hard, one last time, taking in the flinch and gasp it elicited from Hisoka, as well as the following expression of relief that crossed his features.

“...Fifty.”

He collapsed a bit, the tension finally giving way to exhaustion – and a wave of pure euphoria. He'd made it, he'd taken it all. Hisoka allowed himself to curl in on himself, still clinging to the other man's hand.

All of a sudden, he wanted the stream cut off. He wanted to be alone with his dom. Truly bask in this feeling of blissful, safe vulnerability without having to share it with the prying eyes of a few hundred strangers.

Illumi tossed the strap aside and dragged his knuckles along Hisoka's cheek, thumbing the wetness in the corner of his eye away. “All done. You can apologise now, I'm listening.”

Hisoka didn't have to be told twice. He snivelled and began, “I'm sorry for acting up... I'm sorry I didn't ask permission to use your bed and the-- all the other things. The bodysuit... talking back to you. I'm truly sorry.” He searched the other man's face, and, after a short pause, added, “Please forgive me, Sir.”

“I forgive you,” Illumi said, easily, and warmth flooded Hisoka's chest. He saw him take another tiny inhale after that, inquiries on the tip of his tongue, but there was a beat of silent communication between them, an unspoken agreement to end the stream before anything else was discussed. A minimal smile tugged on the corner of Hisoka's mouth as he realised: Illumi felt the same as him about the others watching.

“Thank you, Sir.” Hisoka said, and then tried to turn towards their audience. He halted and flinched as soon as something brushed the angrily swollen skin of his backside. Illumi hooked a helpful arm under Hisoka's bent knees and eased him onto the carpet in front of the chair, which gave way to a lewd view of his still achingly hard cock and the large precum stain he'd left on the fabric of Illumi's pants, as well as the rest of his body that was shiny with sweat. The pent-up pressure was slowly driving him insane, but he had other priorities right now.

While Hisoka sat and gave his conclusions to the enthusiastic audience, in his usual state of disarray after every session, Illumi walked over to the laptop, ready to end the stream at a moment's notice. He tapped his phone.

“So, as always, thank you all for watching and your lovely donations and-”

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $1500: I'm very glad I could use this opportunity to remind you of your place. I know you want to behave for me. Thank you for taking responsibility and accepting your discipline.

Hisoka's eyes flitted from the message displayed on screen to Illumi, then back again. Then he picked up where he'd left off.

“-and I'll see all of you once I can sit and walk properly again. I'll make sure to share the pretty marks with you in my status, so stay tuned. Bye-bye~” He blew the camera a kiss and Illumi took it as his sign to end the stream. Hisoka's face fell as soon as the screen went black. He sighed and grimaced, leaning a little bit forward to take the weight off of the aching welts lining his ass and thighs.

Illumi turned off the ring-light, shut the laptop and then made his way back to Hisoka with a blanket in his hands, crouching down beside him. He wrapped the soft fabric around him. Illumi took off the gloves and held Hisoka's face in his bare hands. It was their first touch of skin in what felt like an eternity. Hisoka leaned into it and closed his eyes, his lashes wet with tears. His body settled into the sensation of finally, finally receiving what he'd been yearning for in the past ten days: Having Illumi close, all for himself.

“Do you want the collar on or off?”

“On, please.” He wasn't ready to come back. He didn't know when he would be. He needed the safety of the session right now.

“More touching?” Hisoka nodded and Illumi complied at once, pulling him into his arms right there, on the floor. He carded a hand through the red hair, cradling his sub's head close to his chest. Hisoka just listened to his heartbeat for a while and tried to take deep, slow breaths. A few leftover tears dripped from his jaw and chin onto the navy fabric of Illumi's suit. He wondered how many more he would ruin like this in the future.

Eventually it was Illumi who picked up the word again, “Hisoka, what made you throw that tantrum? You were so well-behaved the last time, I didn't expect to come home and having to punish you. Normally I would have insisted on discussing it beforehand.”

“I'm sorry.” Hisoka didn't know what possessed him, but between the warm embrace of his dom's arms, the pain in his lower half, and his utter exhaustion and need, he said, “I missed you.”

The fingers on his scalp briefly halted and Hisoka didn't dare lift his gaze, humiliation and shame immediately welling up and filling his eyes with moisture again. Fear of Illumi's reaction grabbed him in an iron hold. The increase of the heart-rate under his ear could mean anything from shock to anger, and it spurred on his panic. Yet he couldn't stop his mouth from moving. “I just wanted you to come home,” he whispered. “I'm sorry,” he repeated, even quieter. He hoped Illumi couldn't hear the last parts.

After a silence that felt too long, the other man continued, “I want to ask you why you didn't just tell me, but that would be hypocritical.” He rubbed Hisoka's back and then pressed him closer. “I missed you, too.” Huh? “I wasn't aware the feeling was mutual, and I didn't want to overstep any lines. Now I see the confusion it caused. I'm sorry for not telling you, I will change that in the future.” Hisoka lifted his head and searched Illumi's eyes. 

“When we called today, I thought it was more of a... brand-continuity and streaming-persona-related decision to put on the collar again. I felt like it wouldn't matter to you whether I was there or not.” Oh. “It's your stream after all, not ours, and your solo sessions were always a big part of your portfolio. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate of me to join without us agreeing on it beforehand. When I saw you and the set-up I reckoned you wanted me to, but sometimes I still have a hard time finding the lines because we're not even contracted yet.”

“You know we would already be contracted if there had been time to work things out. I want to be. And I wanted you to join.” The honesty felt dangerous and raw on Hisoka's lips.

I want to be yours. I want you.

Exposing himself like this left him too vulnerable, even with the collar still around his neck. Any moment, this could crumble. At any given second, it could become too much, rip everything apart. But Illumi didn't let go. He had a contemplative look on his face as a barely visible hint of colour gradually crept into his cheeks, up to his ears.

“Thank you for telling me. I just... it's easy to forget certain aspects and overthink these things when you cannot see or talk to the other person as often as you want to.” Now Hisoka was blushing, too.

Illumi smiled as he took in his expression and thumbed along his jaw. “I really want to kiss you right now. Is that alright with you?”

“Go ahead,” Hisoka interjected quickly, before either of them could confess more things that gave him these tingly feelings he didn't care to understand or question at the moment. Or ever.

As soon as the other man moved even an inch towards him, Hisoka closed the distance and fell into a kiss that felt like it came from a place of sheer and utter starvation. Illumi held his face with both hands, drawing him closer. His want was undeniable to Hisoka, their accumulated craving for each other crushing down on them like a heavy wave. 

Hisoka willingly, instinctively opened his lips for the other man, sighing and moaning under the ministrations of his lips and then his tongue. Their kiss grew wet and frantic in no time.

He lifted one of his hands to touch his dom, but halted, unsure if they were already in aftercare territory and if he was allowed to do so without permission.

“Can I--”

“Yes,” Illumi growled between two kisses, grabbed Hisoka's wrist and led his hand directly into his hair. Acting out of pure habit, Hisoka's fingers fisted in the silky-soft black strands and pulled – and suddenly Illumi moaned against his lips. Hisoka's eyes shot open to find Illumi's closed, a blissfully aroused expression pinching his brows. Oh god--

What was he doing...? The stream was over, his body was sore, they'd talked it all out, maybe even started aftercare already--

He needed to hear it again.

He pulled a second time. Illumi made the same, fevered noise and bit Hisoka's bottom lip before slipping his tongue back inside of his mouth. Hisoka met him halfway and his hips rolled forward with the hot, wet feeling of it. He wanted to make Illumi moan like that for the rest of his days.

“You're still hard,” Illumi mumbled in a half-whisper against his lips, not really stopping the kiss.

“Yeah...” Hisoka nodded, panting open-mouthed against the other man's lips.

“Do you want to cum?” Illumi's tongue traced along Hisoka's already spit-lick bottom lip as fingers found his jaw, and his dom gave another half-moan, as if savouring an incomparably addicting delicacy. Hisoka was mesmerised by yet another new shade of the other man – finally, a crack in his well-kept composure, the desire in his voice and his eyes and every single one of his touches – it was so immensely arousing he sighed his “Yes, please.” out like a prayer.

Illumi didn't need to hear more. Having received consent, he suddenly shifted his weight and pushed Hisoka back, flat onto his back to the soft carpet beneath, who was still half-tangled into the blanket, and then straddled his form. A steady hand found his chest. The black strands fell over his shoulder as Illumi leaned in, cutting off the world surrounding them.

“Let me take care of it... Tell me if it's too much.” 

Illumi lowered his hips to come to rest against Hisoka's, the fabric of his dress pants rubbing along the erection trapped between their bodies. The sensation shot through Hisoka like an electrical shock, hot friction causing his second hand to shoot up into Illumi's hair with a moan. Illumi smiled against his damp lips and then rolled his hips against him, making him cry out louder. The pain from the spanking contrasted by the pleasant weight of Illumi's body on his made Hisoka's head swim with lust. His hips stuttered upwards to meet the other man's, falling into the same rhythm.

Between the frenzied kisses and nearly animalistic rutting, Illumi guided Hisoka's wrists from his hair back onto the carpet, not letting them go again. He pressed himself down more, forcing Hisoka to take it, moving along the entirety of his sub's length and watched him fall apart with it, barely able to keep his eyes open anymore.

“Please-- please don't stop...” He was slurring his words. A smile tugged at the corner of Illumi's kiss-bitten mouth.

“I won’t, I promise.” He leaned in to kiss Hisoka’s temple, whispering into his ear, “I can never get enough of this-- of you... You have no idea how captivating you are...”

The unfiltered devotion in Illumi's words nearly pushed Hisoka over the edge. They both knew he was close, shaking and whining prettily underneath, submitting to everything he was granted. Illumi's hair was a little mussed, and the sight was the cherry on the cake of this perfect situation Hisoka found himself in. He wanted to beg for more-- and then he realised that, with the stream out of the picture, an entirely new option now presented itself for the very first time.

The next time his dom rubbed his hips along his body, Hisoka just let it happen, and a strangled, “Illu-- Illumi, please--more--” fell from his lips. He heard a sharp inhale but couldn't see the other man's reaction – his eyes were firmly shut by now, the sensations nearly overwhelming him.

Illumi adjusted the angle and somehow managed to now concentrate all of his ministration on Hisoka's tip, which pulled another pitched cry from him. He was frantically canting his hips despite the pain it brought to the spanked area, craving more still, the rhythm completely lost. His toes curled against the carpet while his trapped hands helplessly flexed in the other man's unrelenting hold. So, so close--

“Come for me, Hisoka.”

He arched off the floor with a shout, as if a spell had been cast on him to obey. Illumi kissed him as he came, along his jaw, to his mouth, and suffocated the noises. Elegant fingers came to rest around his throat and the collar, tracing his racing pulse. As usual, his dom kept moving throughout his peak, but his motions were softer now, with their foreheads touching, black eyes taking in every hitch of breath, every spill of cum, every minute flinch he made as he orgasmed.

Illumi was still right there when Hisoka blinked his eyes open, slowly bringing his hips to stillness again, the heat and dampness lingering between them. For a few moments they were just breathing heavily in silence until eventually, Hisoka's mushy brain caught on to a silly detail and decided to immediately comment on it.

“Aren't you hot in that?” he asked with a slight rasp in his voice, nodding towards Illumi's still fully clad form.

The other man chuckled. “Incredibly so, but I got distracted. Do you want to take a bath?”

Hisoka grinned. “Yeah. We're lucky.”

“Hm?”

“I received explicit permission for that.”

-

After taking a long, scrutinising look at the mess they had made of, well, everything in Illumi's bedroom, and mutually deciding that tidying up at two in the morning was out of the question – with them finally clean and warm and comfortable – Hisoka offered Illumi to share his bed this night. It had felt natural and polite in the moment.

He was promptly reminded of why that kind of spontaneity was never, ever a good idea.

As soon as they'd taken a step over the threshold of Hisoka's room, the air seemed to change, and he didn't know why. Illumi moved differently here, too, so very unlike himself. He was almost apprehensive in a sense, like he was suddenly very unsure whether his presence was welcome or not. Or maybe Hisoka was reading too much into it. Maybe this was just how Illumi was when he was tired.

He watched as the other man settled on the very edge of the bed and took his sleeping medication with a glass of water. There was something strangely intimate about seeing him in his sleepwear – much different from the intimacy of having sex with him. It was also vastly odd to see him in anything but a suit. The soft, washed-out tee he was currently sporting almost swallowed his form, and the black briefs had given way to comfortable boxer shorts. He looked just like a regular guy in his twenties like this.

As his eyes traced Illumi's features, a profound realisation slammed into Hisoka: He couldn't remember the last time he'd shared a bed with anyone over night. Yet alone with someone he was regularly sexually involved with. He had no fucking idea how to behave in a scenario like this. Were they supposed to... cuddle? Kiss? Talk? Not touch at all? He had never given it any thought before, as most of their physical contact usually limited itself to the sessions – and now he was at a loss about how to proceed.

Thankfully modern society had equipped him with just the right tool to escape situations like these: So he busied himself with his phone to cover up his uncertainty, and leaned against the headboard. While he resisted the urge to pull up a WikiHow article about the etiquette of sharing a bed with someone, Illumi tied back his hair and fully joined him on the bed. There was a distance of at least three feet between them.

“I hope I don't take up too much space once I fall asleep. If I do, just push me aside, I might not wake up if you speak to me due to the medication.”

“It's okay,” Hisoka said, not looking up from his social feeds. He tried to mask his nerves by sounding mildly disinterested.

Sounding uncharacteristically sheepish, Illumi continued, “Do you prefer a side?”

“It's fine like this, don't worry about it.” A little confused about the question and the tone, Hisoka glanced over. Illumi absent-mindedly fiddled with his fingers. Hisoka noticed how tense his hands were and he glanced at Illumi's face. The other man wasn't looking at him, his usually heads-on gaze cast at the duvet. For the first time since seeing him in the doorway this evening, Hisoka thought that he looked tired. Tired and restless at the same time. He lowered his phone a bit. “Illumi, what's wrong?”

“It's been a while since I shared a bed with someone. Never since I-...” He pushed a few wayward strands back. “I don't know how to behave.”

“Oh,” was all Hisoka managed to respond at the almost word-for-word reiteration of his own thoughts. Yet something in him shifted as he saw the other man so anxious. It was like a calmness overwrote his own insecurities, giving him the capability to become a haven of tranquillity for the both of them, at least for a moment.

“Well... what do you want to do?” he tried. Finally, Illumi looked at him, and he did so for a while. Hisoka gave a half-smile and waited until the fidgeting of the other man's fingers stopped and he opened his mouth again.

“Maybe just get comfortable and talk for a while.”

“Okay.” The twiddling immediately returned.

“Though I might start slurring my words and talk nonsense once the medication kicks in, and sometimes they make me drool in my sleep and-”

“Illumi. It's fine. How do you usually sleep?”

Illumi hesitated briefly and then stated, “On my side with a body pillow to hold.”

Hisoka raised his brows with a grin. He couldn't help himself. “A body pillow? Didn't take you as the type to have one.”

“Not the anime kind,” Illumi said, his tone suddenly very dry. “It's just the best support for side sleepers.” Hisoka chuckled, still imagining his room-mate to clutch a pillow of a scantily clad, suggestively posed version of Hatsune Miku close in his sleep. He tried to behave and to not verbalise his thoughts any further. He could be polite if he wanted to. And maybe Illumi was the only person who was always worth the effort of trying to restrain himself for.

“Well, go ahead and make yourself comfortable. My bed is your bed tonight. Though technically you paid for it, so I guess it's more your bed than mine on any given night,” Hisoka quipped, then looked around. “Where's the pillow?”

There was another instant of quietness before Illumi said, “I left it downstairs. I thought it might take up too much space if we share the bed. Is it alright if I just-” He made a gesture towards Hisoka, whose eyes went round, caught off-guard. Oh, so they were supposed to cuddle, huh? 

Hisoka tried to figure out what he thought of that prospect. He wasn’t really the type to snuggle. Illumi just looked at him and didn't come closer without his consent – and it was unlikely that he would until he'd received it. As soon as he saw his fingers slightly fidgeting again, Hisoka made his decision.

“Oh, I-”

“It's alright if you don't want to.”

“No that's not it. I was just-”

“I'm sorry.”

“What? Illumi-”

“I don't want to pressure you into anything.”

“You're not.”

“You really don't have to-”

“I know. It's fine, come here.”

As soon as the words had slipped out, they stared at one another, completely motionless, like two predators spotting each other in the woods. Then Hisoka lifted his arm in silent invitation and it took a moment of hesitation until Illumi gingerly filled the space, eventually pillowing his head in the slight dip between his shoulder and his chest.

Hisoka's heart started hammering like a traitor.

Illumi was so warm. He smelled nice, too, all bergamot and mint, and lavender from the bath, and something much warmer Hisoka couldn't pinpoint. Strands of the pleasantly heavy, black hair fell in swirls on his skin and a hand found its way onto the side of his torso.

They lay stiffly and unmoving, as if they'd never interacted with another human being in their lives before. Their position was anything but comfortable and in dire need of adjustments. But neither of them dared to shift.

They were shit at this. 

“So.” Hisoka cleared his throat in an attempt to cover his inner unrest. “How was work?” he stammered helplessly and barely kept from grimacing over his pitiful attempt at small talk. But it seemed to do the trick.

“It went really well today,” Illumi responded, sounding adorably sleepy already, finally moving to break the uncomfortable rigidity of their hold, and wrapping an arm around Hisoka's bare middle – he usually only wore sweatpants for sleeping and tonight was no exception. His thumb traced along the ribs in a gesture that seemed more self-soothing than anything else.

“I sold five properties this week... and signed on our agency to represent a project that's still under construction... it's gonna be another big one... around twenty-five million... so many bathrooms, you'd faint...” Hisoka snorted and felt the other man smile against his chest. Illumi's hand kept caressing his side as he spoke, gentle fingers following the curve of his waist. Was that really the same man that had mercilessly spanked him to the point of tears barely an hour prior?

Hisoka stared at the ceiling, warmth creeping into his face he didn't even want to acknowledge. Maybe it would help if he turned off the lights. He did. It didn't. Now he was just acutely aware of Illumi's leg shifting between his, bringing him closer, more so increasing the comfort of their entanglement. It started to feel like the other man's body belonged in his arms, like this was the exact position they were meant to find themselves in at the end of the day, every day – a thought Hisoka quickly filed under “vanilla” and banned it to the outskirts of his mind.

There he was, cam boy fatale and sex symbol sugar baby, feeling like a dead fish as soon as someone hugged him close without the prospect of anything more steamy going down. With anyone else it would've been annoying, a waste of time. With Illumi--

Ah.

He realised he'd been silent for far longer than what was deemed acceptable after kicking off a conversation, so after swallowing a dry mouthful of nothing, he continued, “I was surprised to see you home so early today. It was nice. Your work days have been much longer recently.”

“It's not always like this.” Illumi's voice was a tired murmur and it made Hisoka wonder just how long he'd been unresponsive while lost in thought. The man in his arms stifled a yawn. “I jus' have to make up for the loss in commission. It'll be more manageable soon. Only a few more sales... then I'll have time for you again... I promise...” His words grew so fragile towards the end it made Hisoka's heart constrict. Why did Illumi feel the need to promise him that? He sighed inwardly.

He shouldn't have told him the “I missed you” part, huh?

“...When will you leave tomorrow? Or, uh, later today.”

“Mm... 'round 6... but I don't have many appointments tomorrow... jus' a visit at the office for our weekly meeting... should be home by 7... oh... p.m.” Hisoka chuckled.

“I'll wait with dinner for you then.” Illumi gave a tiny noise of approval and then pawed at Hisoka's arm suddenly, awkwardly and imprecisely, feeling his way down to his hand. He tugged at it – at least that's what Hisoka thought he was getting at. It was hard to tell, as Illumi's coordination seemed to become less and less... well, coordinated.

“Illu, what...” Hisoka laughed, not unkindly, “What are you trying to do?”

“Put it back...”

“Hm?”

“Your hand... my hair.”

Oh.

On any given day, with any other person, Hisoka would've made a game out of it, run his fingers along their arm, up to their shoulders and their neck, making them shiver in the process and tease them over it.

But he was aware that Illumi wasn't usually all that comfortable with too much touch to begin with – and he was pretty sure having him half-asleep, pressed to his side, made his consent to anything else somewhat questionable.

So, simple and straight-up, Hisoka put his hand on Illumi's head – and nowhere else – and softly pushed his fingers into his hair. The other man hummed, the noise barely more than a tiny exhale of gratitude and bliss.

“Okay like this?” Hisoka whispered, now minutely turned towards the other man, his eyes adjusted to the dark enough he could watch the peaceful expression in the soft glow of the moon. Illumi just nodded and shuffled closer.

It only took a handful of seconds and he was out cold, his pills having unfolded their full effect, his breathing deep, slow and even, his body fully relaxed against Hisoka's.

Hisoka watched him for another minute – or maybe two, or maybe five – and then withdrew his hand, careful not to disturb him. He made sure Illumi's shoulders and back were covered by the blanket and then returned to staring at the ceiling, the heavy rain drumming against the glass of the skylight. His heart rate almost matched the frequency of the sound.

Sometimes Illumi's fingers twitched. Sometimes he shifted and jerked like his body was fighting the state of being asleep. The warning about drooling had also definitely been warranted. After the spanking Hisoka had rather chosen another position to sleep in, as laying on his back was definitely not doing the aching area any favours at the moment.

He should've found it all irritating. But he didn't.

He didn't mind being a body pillow substitute tonight and wouldn't mind it any night after this one either. He could never let the other know.

Hisoka put his free arm over his eyes and tried to relax. There was no point in thinking about why this wasn't annoying. Why it felt so good. It was probably a one-time-thing anyway, not worth wasting any time or energy over – it had been a long day for the both of them. So with Illumi's slow breaths against his skin, and his mind a scrambled mess, Hisoka eventually drifted off into a light sleep.

-

It was still dark when something woke him. He glanced around, half-asleep, and found Illumi's form on the edge of the bed with his phone in his hand, shutting off a barely audible alarm with a slide of his fingertips. The sound hadn't roused Hisoka from sleep – his now much colder side had.

“Illu...?” The addressed man turned towards him.

“Good morning, Hisoka,” he half-whispered, sounding way too awake for... god-knows-what-time it was. Knuckles brushed along his freckles, down the side of his face, to his jaw. “Go back to sleep, it's still early.”

No shit. Even in his drowsy state, he was eternally grateful he didn't have Illumi's job. Hisoka hummed and tried to turn, but winced sharply as his body reminded him of what they'd been doing the night before. Fuck, his ass hurt.

Fingers softly brushed through the strands of his hair, pushed them out of his face. “I will leave some ointment for you in your bathroom. Please make sure to apply it generously. It will help with the pain.”

“Thanks...” Hisoka groaned, too tired to pay attention to his own tone of voice.

Illumi placed a soft, dry kiss onto his temple. “And try to rest a lot today. I will be back for dinner.”

“Okay…”

Illumi's weight left the bed and Hisoka painstakingly shifted to lay on his stomach, hugging the pillow like a consolation prize in lieu of another body against his. With his eyes still heavy and sleep-crusted, he watched the other man's form retreat towards the door. “Be safe,” Hisoka mumbled. Illumi halted and shot him a look over his shoulder.

“I will. Be good while I'm gone, Hisoka.” And with that, he left again.

Chapter Text

Hisoka was sitting on an ice pack and it was every bit as ridiculous as it sounded, but it was currently the only way he managed to stay on a chair at all. Life had its way of balancing out great fun with similarly ironic consequences.

But it was all good. Despite the pain being kind of hard to ignore, hindering his butt to do its main job, he didn't have any regrets. And how could he? He'd just finished a relaxing dinner with Illumi who’d come home the earliest he had in almost two weeks, and on top of that, Hisoka had gotten a ton of donations off-stream for uploading a picture of the pretty bruises to his status earlier this day – it had been an exceedingly nice shot too, over the shoulder, with his skin still dewy from the shower he'd taken before, and him slightly arching his back, his naked face just out of frame. The reactions to that alone had lifted his mood somewhat. Upon returning, Illumi had insisted on checking the marks, and applied another layer of ointment. And then, while the pain-relief was slowly absorbed into Hisoka's skin, he had sent his own, vast sum of money his sub's way.

He'd Hisoka bent over his lap again for the entire process and – see, Hisoka was a simple man in that regard. He liked having attention on him. And hands on his ass. Combine the two? Bliss. Especially when it was coming from that man. He could never tell Illumi that the punishment had wholly missed the mark, because if that kind of pampering was in the cards for him afterwards, he'd gladly take more pain on any given day. Just maybe... not right away, today. Because ouch.

In retrospect, he was also quite happy about the fact that Illumi had used his own hands for most of the spanking. While the strap had left more colourful bruises, the hand-shaped marks currently adorning his skin felt a lot more special and personal to Hisoka. And maybe he was imagining it, but Illumi's palms looked slightly reddened, too. He liked the thought of sharing the souvenirs of their last encounter.

With all of these pretty little findings, it had been a very nice evening so far. Illumi neatly put down his cutlery and dabbed his mouth with a cloth napkin – because of course he was the type of person to use those – before saying, “So…” Hisoka stopped poking at his dessert and looked up. He noticed Illumi eyeing his crème brûlée, and made a gesture to offer it to him, but his dom politely declined and went on, “You wanted to discuss the contract.”

Hisoka perked up and smirked. “Yes.” This evening promised to become even better.

Illumi probably thought much the same, because he nodded, a subtle but eager smile tugging at his lips, and immediately got up. Coming to the other side of the table, he showed Hisoka how to crack the sugar crust with the spoon, gave it back to him, and then made his way into one of the corridors. “I'll be right back.”

He vanished into his office and returned with a tablet soon after, taking a seat on the chair right next to Hisoka, who had now finally started digging into the incredibly delicious, creamy snack in front of him. Illumi let him eat while he explained, “There are different types to choose from. We have a casual option, one that's more formal and a lifestyle contract.”

Hisoka leaned in to get a glimpse of the screen. Illumi tapped away at a few password-protected folders and opened a file that showed a short, straight-forward document that, to Hisoka's surprise, covered much less than they had discussed in their very first face-to-face conversation. It had barely the right to call itself a contract, and was more of a simple check-list, so to speak, as it only consisted of the following points: Safewords, Titles, Hard and Soft Limits. It didn't even fill one page of paper. His eyebrows shot up.

“I reckon that's the casual one?”

“Yes, the lightest option by far,” Illumi confirmed. He minimised the file and opened another one. “This one is more formal.” He handed Hisoka the tablet. The contract he was now looking at spanned more than a few pages – with a smaller font, full sentences, and formatted to look like the real deal, too. It had the air of something official. It consisted of longer paragraphs and covered everything the previous one had, but went into much more detail in regard to other questions: What kind and what amount of pain was preferred during play, what type of physical and sexual contact was permitted (if any at all), fantasies the submissive wanted to try, if scenes had an associated place and time or could happen anywhere as long as the pointer was present (collar or otherwise), what aftercare protocol both parties were obligated to follow. It also listed rules to determine under which circumstances punishment would be allowed, and not allowed. And much, much more. Hisoka was a little surprised – not only about the amount of bureaucracy involved, but also to see how many of these rules they had already kind of talked about and incorporated into their sessions.

Of course, in theory, he'd known of Illumi's extensive experience – better said, felt it in every inch of his body whenever they’d played – but previously, Hisoka hadn't consciously been aware of just how well he'd been taken care of in regards to his safety.

It felt... special.

What he stumbled over were agreements about the time spent out of sessions in pages further back. The contract went so far as to discuss finances – with an option for one of the parties to pay for the other's expenses in part or fully – as well as self-care protocols that had to be followed whenever the participants weren't playing – such things as keeping the partner in check to drink and eat enough, take their medication on time, get enough sleep, keep up with their to-do-list or work, et cetera. The goal was apparently to keep oneself in peak condition for the contract partner, both physically and mentally. Not a foreign concept to Hisoka altogether – he took exceptional care of his appearance after all – but he wasn't so sure if he was into the idea of being monitored like that. He stopped scrolling with more than a few pages still to go.

Hisoka couldn't imagine any kind of contract going deeper than that one. Handing the tablet back to Illumi, he said, “You mentioned a third option?”

“Yes. The lifestyle contract.” Illumi glanced up at Hisoka to see if he had any idea what he was talking about. Evidently not finding an understanding nod, he explained, “It describes a consensual agreement in which the scene never ends, and the sub gets their control over the situation entirely removed. It's also referred to as a slave contract.” Okay? Sexy-sounding concept so far. Passing Hisoka the tablet again with the associated document opened, Illumi continued, “These contracts usually have a time limit attached after which they will be re-negotiated to make sure everyone is safe and has their needs met.”

Hisoka took the tablet with cautious intrigue and read what was displayed. This time, it looked nothing like a contract, more like a letter. Interesting. He started scanning.

❯ I, [Submissive] request of [Dominant] acceptance of my submission... ownership of my mind and body...❮ – oh wow, big words – ❯surrender control of my sexual pleasure and physical and emotional comfort to you...❮ – huh... – ❯… I vow that no secrets shall exist between us …❮ – uhm, absolutely not – ❯accept any punishment that you see fit if I fail to uphold these rules... it is therefore my responsibility as your submissive to voice all fantasies, limits, feelings and needs without hesitance--❮ Hard no.

Hisoka stopped reading and shoved the tablet back into Illumi's direction like it was burning his hands.

“That's ...”

“Too much?”

Hisoka nodded. Illumi hummed in understanding. “I figured.”

The comment made him raise his eyebrow. “Did you now?”

“I did not take you as someone who wants to live out this lifestyle twenty-four-seven. You, ah, always challenge me to bring you into subspace, since you're not very submissive by nature. You want to be conquered, and have a suitable payoff for surrendering your pride. You rarely ever go there willingly right off the bat, even though we both know you want it and sometimes need it, but it's hard for you to accept and to let yourself fall like that.” Hisoka's jaw dropped a little and Illumi blinked at him. “If that makes any sense.” It made too much god-damn sense. What else had he noticed?

Switch the topic, quickly.

“Just out of curiosity... Do you have experience with lifestyle contracts?”

“Not much,” Illumi responded calmly. So yes. “I've dipped my toes into that concept out of consideration for a previous contract partner,” Hisoka's eyes sharpened a bit – he'd never thought about the subs that came before him – and tried to rein in his flaming jealousy over the realisation that Illumi's ex had most likely been one of them, too. The other man continued, “but I'm not sure if it would be manageable for me to uphold for a prolonged period of time. It can be very emotionally and physically taxing if you're not one-hundred percent committed to it. It was an experience that helped me realise I much prefer clear beginnings and endings for sessions, and a separation of the roles during a scene and day-to-day communication.”

“I see.”

Illumi looked over with impossibly black eyes. “Which option out of the remaining two do you prefer? If any at all? I can look up alternatives if nothing feels right.”

Hisoka hummed and contemplated silently, scooping up the rest of his crème brûlée while Illumi closed the lifestyle contract and went on. “Oh, you don't have to make a decision right away, and if the contract seems like it's too much at the given moment, we can drop the issue altogether. We can still keep playing as usual.”

Hisoka chuckled. “You sound nervous.”

“I am.” It was excitement, too, Hisoka knew. He saw a glint in Illumi's eyes, like from a child that had been anticipating Christmas morning for months.

He couldn't help but smile. “There’s no reason for that, darling.” I want this as much as you do. “Just give me a moment to decide.”

“Of course.”

He regarded the screen and then tapped the display to get another look at the options. The first one... yeah, no, they had cleared all of that months ago. It just wasn't enough and at this point they both deserved more than just a 'quick and dirty' contract. The last one was also clearly out of the question for various reasons. The mere thought of Illumi having that much control over him, and Hisoka having to share any and all of his thoughts and feelings with him, having to commit on a level this high, made his skin crawl a bit. Plus, Illumi didn't seem too keen on it either. He'd probably only offered it out of politeness or to gauge Hisoka's reaction.

Which left the second one. All in all, it felt like the appropriate step-up from their current arrangement, even though it looked like a lot of work. Oh well, at least there would be a nice prize at the end of it, right?

Hisoka scanned it again and then nodded. “Ding-ding~ This one's the winner.”

Illumi smiled. “It's my preferred contract option as well. We can adjust it in whichever way we want, it's just a proposed guideline.” He gave Hisoka another glance and there was a short pause before he said, “Do you need any more time to think this through?”

Hisoka shook his head no and grinned, clearly giddy. “I've thought it through.” Ever since you first proposed the option to me. Illumi held his gaze with gradually lowering eyelids and then rose to his feet.

“Let's switch to the sofa then. So you can lie down on your stomach while we fill in the gaps.”

“Oh god, yes please,” Hisoka burst out with a groan, which made Illumi chuckle, and Hisoka's gratitude was the size of his big, bruised butt.

-

It took so much longer than expected. And it wasn't nearly as fun and sexy as Hisoka had made it out to be inside of his head. Kinky things aside, he was quickly reminded that asking openly for things he wanted wasn't his strongest suit – rather, it annoyed the hell out of him. But he tried his best to remain patient for the higher cause.

First, they went over their limits again – because Illumi had insisted on revisiting them now, and every few months in general – and while they did, he pulled out a tiny booklet from somewhere. There were hand-written notes inside. It reminded Hisoka of the notepad he had found in Illumi's bedside table on his first visit to the condo and he arched a brow.

“What's that?” He leaned in to see and Illumi let out an amused hum over his curiosity. Yet he didn't try to hide the booklet away from Hisoka's view so it was clearly no secret.

“A list of my observations of your preferences, as well as your good and bad behaviour,” with exact dates, like in a log, Hisoka realised, “punishments you received, and your reactions to those and everything else we tried.”

Well, that was-- something. Hisoka looked at Illumi with big eyes, stunned over the level of attentiveness and thoroughness, while the other man kept thumbing through the pages at a leisurely pace, apparently looking for something. Why the hell was there so much to say about Hisoka's everything after only a handful of sessions? It made him a little nervous.

“Ah, here it is. I wanted to ask if your soft limits needed an update.”

“Uhm, I don't think so?”

“Let's check. Is kissing after your climax one?”

Hisoka froze. He hadn't questioned it, but even with the half-excuses he had presented Illumi with, after the single time he had panicked over that one kiss during their mute session on the couch, Illumi had never kissed him again after his orgasm.

Dumbfounded, Hisoka nodded.

“So I didn't imagine it. That's good to know. Also...” he traced another line within the booklet, and Hisoka felt as if he was made of glass, “I've noticed you're much more sensitive to pain and punishment if there is no direct skin-to-skin contact. Should I add that as well?”

Hisoka felt his cheeks darken with the sinking feeling of being caught. It was almost scary how accurately Illumi had pieced together his findings with what little Hisoka had verbally provided for him. But what was worse – he hadn't noticed his persona slipping that much.

“Yes,” he simply replied, and fought to keep his easygoing smile. Without further comment, Illumi updated the contract and then closed the book.

“Anything else?” Hisoka shook his head, still wide-eyed. There really was no hiding from this man, was there?

This might become a problem.

The hard limits remained the usual: no cum on Hisoka's face without warning, no lasting marks above the neckline, no 'good boy' (he wanted to underline that last point). But, notably, Illumi didn't mention his previous no to romantic feelings, and Hisoka refused to believe it was a coincidence that Mister 'I keep a literal good noodle list about my sub' had straight-up forgotten about it.

Hisoka didn't address it either. The topic had grown a lot more muddied and confusing for him over the past week and last night especially. If they just dropped it, it would give him a little more time to sort through that confusing cluster of feelings. So why poke the bear?

Next, they tried to fill Hisoka's 'yes please' column but very quickly ran out of space – Illumi had severely underestimated the amount of things Hisoka was into, and Hisoka found himself surprised about how much he was willing to try beyond that as long as the other man was involved in one way or another – so instead, it now held a neat little note that said 'Anything that's otherwise not mentioned in the limits'. Not only did that mean he didn't have to annoyingly ask for everything, he also enjoyed Illumi getting creative, and giving him a lot of range in that regard. There wasn't much that could beat a good surprise.

They continued down the paragraphs. While his head was still trying to process the fact that Illumi could apparently read him like an open book throughout their time spent together, Hisoka now tried to make sense of the other man's limits: Touch was present in all three categories. In the hard limit section, it was listed as 'touch without permission (except during aftercare)', a soft limit in general, but a 'yes please' under the premise that Hisoka would ask for permission beforehand. Hisoka gave the other man a look.

“Uhm. Illumi, I think you're doing this wrong. How can something be a hard limit and a 'yes please' at the same time?”

“They're different situations.”

Hisoka scanned it again with all the focus of having to solve a very complicated mathematics formula. “Does that mean you will always say yes as long as I ask?”

“Essentially.”

“Why ask at all then?”

“There are a few reasons. First and foremost, I enjoy it when you ask for things you want.” Yeah yeah, got it, Mister Begging Kink. “Second,” he looked over, “while I'm sometimes okay with it, I have days where I prefer not to be touched at all. So please ask, without exception.” Fair enough. Hisoka refrained from pouting and instead nodded.

Speaking of which... “But that's not all, is it?”

“Hm?”

“Don't forget to put 'begging' in your 'yes please'. And the hair-pulling. With given consent, of course.” Illumi blinked at him, as if no one had ever said that to him before, and Hisoka grinned with cheeky pride, finally feeling like they were on even ground again. I've been watching you as well, don't think I haven't noticed.

“You're right.” Illumi added it with a barely noticeable smile, not even having the tact to seem a little flustered about it. Hisoka huffed, set on teasing his dom about it to get a bigger reaction out of him, but the other man carried on, “Oh, I meant to ask...”

“Yes?”

“This has nothing to do with the limits, but... I want to make sure it's addressed now. Are you comfortable with receiving touches from me outside of the sessions? I have been doing it for a while and you haven't commented on it yet, but I want your explicit permission. I'm talking kisses to the cheek or the face in general, hand and arm touches, hugs, cuddling, that sort of thing. Non-sexual physical contact.”

Hisoka's mind immediately blared the 'vanilla' red alert and commanded him to refuse because it was way too close to all things domestic and romantic but then Illumi shrugged and mumbled, almost sheepishly, “It was nice last night,” and Hisoka's brain abandoned all function.

One half of his mind screamed yes, yes, please!, the other screeched no!! and tried to set everything on fire. While the internal chaos took over, Hisoka's eyes were fixed on Illumi's profile, on the hardly perceptible hint of rose colour dusting the tips of his ears. After a few seconds, his thoughts accumulated into nothing more than white noise, but his mouth suddenly decided to go ahead and say, “It's okay. In the unlikely event of me not wanting to, I will tell you.”

Another small smile crept into the corner of Illumi's mouth and he nodded, typing. Hisoka was pretty sure he'd just shot his own foot with agreeing to that – even more 'yes, please, I want that' for the other man to analyse – gradually continuing to lose any and all of the mystery surrounding his persona.

He'd avoided that type of physical contact with everyone for years, and for good reason. It felt too warm and welcoming too quickly, got one to be clingy and needy in the most unsexy way, and he had to be careful about opening up too much, getting too used to it. There were much more than a few hidden preferences under the pretty facade he had built up around himself, things much more breakable and vulnerable and ugly. Things Illumi wasn't supposed to ever discover.

Hisoka resisted the urge to bury his face in the pillow, to not alarm his room-mate as he continued down the paragraphs. Illumi said, “On that note, what about sharing the bed?”

“After sessions?”

“In general.”

“Same thing,” Hisoka quickly said, despite himself, before another wave of warring thoughts overtook his brain. Illumi's smile didn't waver as he added yet another agreement to the contract – and maybe the openly displayed, unfiltered happiness about it all was what made Hisoka continuously say yes. He'd never seen Illumi look so animated. It was adorable.

“Let's see what else we got.” A lot, Hisoka thought upon seeing they weren't even a third of the way through. “Intoxication during sessions, what do you think?”

Hisoka cleared his throat in an attempt to regain an air of nonchalance and rested his cheek on the pillow clutched between his arms. “I wouldn't want to be shit-faced drunk,” it was hard to keep it up then, and forgetting any part of their lovely sessions because of a blackout was not something he wanted, “but I'd be fine with it if we were just tipsy or if you were high.”

Illumi hummed, but then said, “It's a hard no from me.” Hisoka looked up, once again feeling like he'd said the wrong thing or revealed too much about himself. His dom continued, “I do not feel capable of keeping the situation under control and ensuring your safety when either of us is intoxicated. That extends to my sleeping medication as well.” Well, that last part goes without saying.

“Then it's a no,” Hisoka agreed. Illumi made a note of their conclusion. He swiftly moved on to the next point. “Are the sessions limited to your stream?”

They shared a look, knowing full well they had already crossed that line the night before. What Illumi was really asking was: Do we want to repeat that?

Hisoka thought about moaning his dom's real name again, having him just for himself, basking in this blissful, shameless vulnerability without having to care about his performance for a moment, pulling pretty noises from Illumi while he made his composure crack--

Pleasant goosebumps resurfaced along his skin, making the fine hair on his arm stand on end. “No, they're not,” he said.

“But you'd still want to continue the partner streams, I assume.”

“Yes, I want to continue streaming, both with you and solo.”

But it was really more than a want, it was a necessity. Having Illumi was a nice bonus but if they – if Hisoka – stopped streaming, he would no longer receive enough donations from his many viewers and instead become fully dependent on his sugar-daddy's money, and that was a position he didn't want to find himself in, a tiny voice in his head reminding him to never ever go there.

Being a sugar-baby was nice and all, and he loved being thoroughly spoiled by this man, but it wasn't something he wanted his entire livelihood to rest on. Their current arrangement was perfect in that sense, almost too good to be true. He managed to save a lot of money ever since getting to know Illumi, since he didn't have to pay for rent, food or his tuition anymore – or anything, really – while still receiving donations from others on top of that, slowly amassing savings that would help him be well-off later in his life, start his business...

… or save his ass if something unexpected happened and he had to leave.

Ugh, why was he thinking about that now? He tried to refocus on the topic at hand – options for more frequent sex in a life full of luxury as a contracted sub, yay! – and clear his mind of the grim and practical thoughts that originated in days long passed.

In his sing-song voice he continued, “We can have sessions outside of the recordings or just extend them once the cameras are off is what I'm saying.”

“Sounds good.” Apparently completely unaware of the inner turmoil and brief spike in anxiety Hisoka had just waded through, Illumi looked satisfied with that response and resumed typing.

“In general, I-” Hisoka caught and stopped himself, long-lived reflexes immediately kicking in. All this open contract talk had made his tongue loose.

Illumi hadn't missed it, of course. He looked over and tilted his head ever so slightly. “Yes?”

Hisoka gave a nervous chuckle, and Illumi regarded him soundlessly for a few seconds, still waiting for him to speak up. Ah, there was no keeping silent about this, was there? Well, sex was a very safe topic – if not the safest – to express wishes about, he mused. He just had to wrap it up nicely. Hisoka took a deep breath and tried to formulate his thoughts in a less on-the-nose kind of way.

“Do you think we could have a session once every week? Or at least every ten days?” Yeah, that sounded a lot better than I want you at every given moment of the day, and as soon as the marks start fading I get legitimate withdrawal symptoms. It was still incredibly awkward to say out loud.

“I would like that very much,” Illumi said without an ounce of hesitation and Hisoka's tension melted into something that felt like gratification. Like he'd just made a big step. But then the other man contemplated for a moment longer, probably mentally checking his calendar, and Hisoka's glee was replaced by cautious preparation for the unavoidable.

“But,” Ah, there it is. “I cannot promise it will always work out.” Of course the first wish he openly expressed just had to be something that needed to be shot down because of logistics.

Illumi typed, then stopped, then looked back at Hisoka, whose cheeks had gained more colour in the meantime for the entirely wrong reasons. He reached over and brushed a few strands of hair from his face, which made Hisoka raise his gaze to meet his eye. “It might mean you'll have to accompany me on business trips and I'm not sure how we can manage that once your new semester starts. I wouldn't want you to miss out on your education, and I'm afraid I cannot compromise my work to that extent. But I'll do my best to make it up to you somehow if you're ever made to wait for longer than ten days.”

Figures.

“I'll manage somehow,” Hisoka said, feeling completely unlike himself as he did, trying to cover up the shame of openly asking for something by – also uncharacteristically – giving the option for a compromise, “If you're ever not in the mood or simply don't have time, I will find something else.”

Upon hearing that, Illumi's features changed minimally, to something Hisoka hadn't encountered on his face before, and couldn't really discern before it passed again. They looked at each other for a while longer, unspeaking, until Illumi turned his attention back to the tablet and withdrew his hand. “Speaking of which,” he announced, and his tone had shifted slightly, “what do you think about the option of dating others outside of our arrangement? Both sexually and romantically speaking.”

Hisoka froze. Completely caught off-guard, his mind immediately started roaring.

Where did that come from??

Did I just say something wrong?

I'm not going to share you.

I don't want anyone else.

I don't date. I don't do romance.

I want you. Just you.

You have forever ruined sex with others for me with what you've given me and you know it.

Wait, did you bring this up for YOU??

Why? Where did your possessiveness evaporate to?

Do you have a need for variety, for more than this, more than me?

...I don't want to think about this at all.

With great effort, he swallowed everything his mind could possibly send past his lips. Giving anything away didn't feel safe right now. Evasion wasn't technically lying, right? So, he inquired, as light and melodic as he could muster, “I haven't given it much thought. Any preferences from your side on that topic?”

“Yes. I'd like to keep the option open.”

Hisoka's stomach dropped. The colour rapidly drained from his face as the words sunk in, and he tried his best to keep his features neutral and relaxed. It was hardly manageable. He was pretty sure his mouth had visibly twitched just now, but luckily Illumi was still looking at the screen.

After gulping, “Oh?” was all Hisoka managed to say. His mouth was dry.

… This is a problem.

“Since romance is off the table,” He knew the other man hadn't forgotten, after all. “I don't want to limit us in that regard when it comes to other people. If either of us meets someone they click with and wants to start a relationship or have sex with, I wouldn't want this contract to stand in the way.”

Hisoka was speechless, the pitch-black, bottomless pit in his mind expanding more and more with each word, swallowing every single thought, slowly blinding him.

“I'm not the type to have multiple sexual partners at a time,” Illumi continued, “and as my sub, you're my priority, but I reckon I cannot give you everything you crave at all times, and maybe, at some point, our preferences won't align one-hundred-percent. So if that's ever the case, I want to give you explicit permission to seek out someone who can. Just make sure the encounters are safe, in every sense of the word.”

Hisoka said nothing, feeling cold. Finally, Illumi regarded him again. “That being said...” Oh god, how much more does he have to say on this? “Within the lines of this contract, I won't agree to any threesomes, and if you have one-night-stands, please refrain from bringing them to this condo. I will pay for a hotel.”

Hisoka tried to sort through the information he'd just been given. Everything Illumi had said after the first sentence just amalgamated into a big, fat neon sign of rejection.

Why is this so complicated all of a sudden?

After some mental backtracking, with his pulse heavy in his ears, Hisoka came to a few conclusions. At the moment, Illumi wasn't interested in having sex with others besides him, but romantically, he was very much inclined to keep an eye open for possible partners. Partners other than Hisoka. Because Hisoka, as a cam boy, as a sugar-baby, as a sub, wasn't the type to date seriously or be almost-married to. Of course not.

He didn't understand why it upset him so much. It was not like he'd wanted that, not that he'd ever hoped for something like that, with Illumi of all people, but having it so blatantly thrust into his face still stung more than he'd expected.

The 'no threesome' rule also screamed strict monogamy. If Illumi already put that much care into his sub, just how much more care would he put into an actual partner? They'd replace Hisoka as first priority, not leaving room for anyone else. He was painfully aware of where he'd end up then. Maybe the more practical thoughts about his savings hadn't been all that misplaced...

“Since romance is off the table...”

Did that mean Illumi was lacking something in this arrangement? Well, of course he was. The man had already been engaged once, and then left stranded, and his hurt over that sometimes still came shining through. He was probably deeply romantic, and while he obviously enjoyed spoiling the hell out of Hisoka, everyone had their limits, right? Hisoka couldn't give him what he wanted.

So, the bottom line was, if Illumi ever fell in love again, this entire thing they had would most assuredly end.

This was Illumi's way of reminding him where he stood. What they had was just... fun for Illumi. Hisoka was just fun. He was alluring. He was easy. A way to pass the time, maybe to forget the hurt. And he didn't have much going for himself besides that. At the end of the day, he didn't have a single quality that made people stay. He only knew how to fuck people, not how to make them happy beyond that, and Illumi bringing up the hard no to romance again meant he was set on finding it elsewhere.

Hisoka's mind ran in circles, not finding anything that even resembled an idea.

What can I do to keep you? How can I make this last a little longer until the inevitable happens?

I shouldn't care this much, should I...?

“Hisoka?” His eyes snapped from nowhere specifically to meet Illumi's. “What are your thoughts on that? You look... indecisive.”

Thoughts was really the wrong word for what he had. Hisoka's jaw was so tight his lips had sealed themselves shut and he just stared at the other man for a handful of seconds, trying his hardest not to let his inner unrest shine through.

No, he didn't have thoughts. He was buried under a mountain of suffocating, confusing emotions and losing the battle to keep any semblance of control over them.

Self-loathing and desperation and naked anger screamed within him, fighting for the upper hand, bringing his worst nightmares to life.

This is temporary.

You are, and will always be, replaceable.

So don't get too attached.

Remember what happened last time.

If you admit to anything, you'll lose.

Don't let him see how much it hurts. Don't let anyone see.

Keep evading.

Keep it simple.

His mouth opened and closed a few times, before he finally managed to utter with a smile, “As I've said... if you're ever not available, I'll manage somehow.” Why would you want me to seek out someone else? Don't you want me for yourself? Am I already too much? “What we do is more than enough for me at the moment.” I wish it was also enough for you – you made me think it was. Why am I not enough for you? “And I'm not really interested in dating anyone.” I hope you never fall in love again.

“But you're fine with what I've proposed?” Illumi inquired, and Hisoka didn't know why he kept pushing the question so cruelly, stabbing the blunt knife into the open wound again and again. More than a little irritated, and with the smile still stapled onto his face, he nodded, and then cast his gaze elsewhere. Fine was far from what he was feeling, but who the fuck was he to refuse Illumi Zoldyck his chances at finding someone to truly grow happy with? He was aware of where he stood. Rationally speaking, he knew what he could give – and what he couldn't. Still, the darkest, most egocentric part of his brain growled, make him so addicted to you he'll never be able to even look at other people again.

… 

God, I do have issues.

“Hisoka.”

“What?” Just drop it already.

“Is romance still a hard limit for you?” Jesus Christ--

His smile finally slipped. “Which part of 'This is enough for me' and 'I don't want to date anyone' did you not catch? Not all of us need that lovey-dovey bullshit, Illumi.” he snapped, a little louder than intended.

Upon catching his own tone, he immediately blinked and looked over, finding Illumi staring back at him with an unreadable expression. Hisoka saw his carefully crafted, ever-seductive persona crumble to ash within the other man's lightless eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He averted his gaze and rubbed his brow, trying and failing to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Sorry.” Utter silence. “Yes, it's still a hard limit for me, but you can do whatever you want.”

“My apologies,” Illumi said – his voice sounded off – and then scrolled back up to the corresponding list to dutifully add the information, “I wasn't aware the topic was this sensitive for you, and I am sorry for overstepping that line. I will not bring it up again.”

Hisoka felt like shit. He couldn't bring himself to look at the other man again. The last minutes of conversation were a blur to him and he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment it had all gone south.

Illumi was typing silently beside him. Once he was done, he gave him another once-over. “Do you want to take a break for now? We can come back to this later.”

Hisoka's chest was tight, mind still reeling, his bratty side clinging to what was left.

“No,” he declared stubbornly. He needed this contract to happen asap. To have something, anything, even for a little while, to call his own. Even if this was all set up to fail in the end. He needed it black-on-white. Words alone were never to be trusted.

But his resolve immediately shattered when Illumi said, “I need a moment.”

A fresh wave of panic crashed over Hisoka. Illumi had never tapped out before, neither out of their sessions nor their conversations.

He had really just fucked up, hadn't he?

But he was clueless about what more he could say – he hadn't expected the contract negotiations to make him this emotional, to throw him so off his game, so he just helplessly watched as the other man stood up and got himself a glass of water in the kitchen.

There was no way Hisoka could un-say what he'd just screamed into the other man's face, and he had no possibility to rebuild his walls, to keep himself safe and the other unaware of what lay beneath his mask. 

Hisoka watched Illumi's back, and he wanted to run.

… So he did.

He got to his feet just as Illumi turned back towards the living room, now with two glasses of iced tea in hand. His eyes briefly widened in surprise when he saw Hisoka standing. “Is everything alright?”

“I changed my mind. Let's do this another time.”

There was a pause. He couldn't even meet Illumi's gaze, but he was pretty sure the other man looked as uncertain as he sounded when he said: “Did something upset you?”

“No,” Hisoka lied. “I just remembered I still have to pick out an outfit for brunch.”

Illumi set the glasses down and approached him slowly. Hisoka had to use all of his willpower to not take a step back. If he touched him now he would crumble. “Can I help you with that?”

“No, I think I can handle it,” Hisoka continued to lie and somehow managed to give a perfectly performed smile and look back at Illumi. “But thank you.” The other man fell silent for a brief moment, not taking his eyes off of him. His fine eyebrows tensed ever so slightly and Hisoka knew he wasn't buying it.

“I'll meet you on the balcony later, then?” Illumi tried. Hisoka saw the fingers anxiously shift at his side, and his stomach twisted with guilt. But not enough guilt to stop.

“I'll probably just go to bed for today. I want to look fresh for your family tomorrow.”

Illumi's expression filtered through an emotion Hisoka was too slow to discern before his face turned completely blank. It was unsettling to watch. “I see. Well, then... we'll continue this another time.” He didn't approach him any further but held his gaze as he said, voice gone rigid, “Goodnight, Hisoka. Sleep well.”

“You too.” Hisoka turned, left through the glass doors to the veranda and then bolted up the stairs. Illumi didn't stop him, but Hisoka could feel his black eyes searing themselves into his back until he was out of sight.

As soon as the bedroom door closed behind him, he leaned back against the wood and slid onto the floor. The marked part of his body protested and sent a fresh wave of pain through his legs and up his back.

What the fuck had he just done?

An insanely rich, immensely kind and unbelievably attractive man had just been about to give him written reassurance that he would cater to his every whim. This was more, far more than anything he could've ever hoped for. No one had treated him with that much care and unconditional respect before. His younger self would never have dared dreaming of even a fraction of the luxury he was currently living in.

And he had just... pushed it away.

And for what? Just because his mind wouldn't stop screaming that one sentence at him that threatened to make all of that collapse: “I'd like to keep the option open.”

The shadow of these few words loomed over everything. They drove home the one cruel fact that perfectly summarised his life: What he felt would never be reciprocated.

He knew that. He'd always known that. Which was why these words shouldn't have come as a surprise. They shouldn't have mattered at all. Why did they sting so much?

His vision blurred with tears and Hisoka forcefully threw his head back, hitting it on the door with a dull thump.

You didn't learn anything.

You're so pathetic.

After all these years, did you really think there was more for you than that?

We've been over this, Hisoka.

You should've stuck to your persona. Your persona is what's safe. Your persona is what's wanted.

He hit his head again, harder, intending to knock the unwanted feelings out of his mind with it. Willing the tears away, he dug his teeth into his bottom lip.

Don't you dare cry over a man. You promised yourself that.

You promised yourself that there would never be a freckled, frightened, unhappy boy staring back at you from the mirror ever again.

That time of your life is over for good.

Pushing his hair back, keeping a hold of his temples and forehead with both hands, he closed his eyes and took a few steadying breaths.

No one likes a whiny bitch. Calm down. Flush_of_Hearts doesn't cry.

If Illumi ever decides to stop this, it'll be his loss.

And you can move on as well, if it comes to that. You always have.

Bury it all under sex and booze and fun. All things easy.

These feelings.

Do not.

Matter.

After another deep inhale, he felt the ground under his feet again. Something in his mind shifted, a heavy door falling shut, sealing the threat of tears off for now. Exhale. Emptiness. He gingerly stretched his fingers, pulling the tips of his nails out of the skin of his palms.

Okay. Okay. Now... where were we?

He rose up on wobbly legs, looking around, quickly steadying himself. He had to find a non-slutty outfit for the brunch with Illumi's family. Knowing it would take him a while to find something that wouldn't be frowned upon by overprotective parents, he opened his wardrobe and got to work.

-

It took him almost two hours to find something he deemed appropriate, and once he was done, his firm belief that 'safe' equalled 'boring' was only intensified. It wasn't helping that the weather forecast said it was going to be an extremely hot day, and Hisoka didn't really know how to dress conservatively in searing heat. But he'd tried to do his best, so now the sum of his efforts accumulated in a short-sleeved, loose-fit, cream-coloured button-down featuring a graphic peach print on it – he couldn't help himself, a little tongue-in-cheek humour was always a must – and cuffed, slim straight-cut pants that fell to his shins in a shade that perfectly matched the fruit depicted on the shirt. He'd dyed them by hand years ago. To go with the ensemble, he'd selected some gold heart-shaped studs and a similar necklace – a little bit of bling was the safest way to lift his mood, and the colour brought out his eyes.

Contrary to his master plan of 'just returning to his persona and not feel anything', Hisoka still felt like shit. Which was a first. Considering how much time had passed, he should have been okay by now, but he couldn't shake the image of Illumi's blank expression from his mind. And he was still nervous about the brunch. The last time he'd met someone's parents, the father had given him one minute to clear the perimeter before promising to shoot him for 'leading his daughter astray', which had certainly left an impression in his mind. And while Illumi had always been quick to reassure him he had nothing to worry about, Hisoka himself was pretty sure that the other man didn't know the extent of Hisoka's catalogue of fucked up family dynamics he had seen in his life.

He checked his phone – mainly for the time, but also in the hopes of maybe seeing a notification from a certain man. However, besides the clock telling him he would definitely feel anything but fresh, there were no new messages. Should he... send one? But what if Illumi was already asleep? Ah, he didn't know what to say anyway. And maybe it hadn't been a big deal to the other man at all – after all, Illumi was always much calmer and a lot more mature than him.

Hisoka sighed and decided to retreat to bed before the overthinking caught up to him. They could start over in the morning with a clear mind, right?

As he left his room to make his way towards the bathroom, he smelled something familiar. Herbal and smokey-sweet.

He immediately perked up and took a careful look out on the small balcony, but found it empty. Where did the smell come from? With his brows slightly scrunched he ventured to the other end of the corridor where the door sat slightly ajar – he probably hadn't closed it in his rush to have a breakdown in private.

From the stairhead he had a good view of the terrace below, and found Illumi with a blunt between his fingers on one of the sun loungers at the poolside, with his naked feet dangling in the water.

It almost looked poetic, if it hadn't been for the heavy feeling of melancholy drenching the scene. Hisoka thought he looked forlorn in the big, empty space.

For a long minute, he just kept watching from the shadows, pondering whether or not another approach would help or worsen their situation. Everytime he thought about just closing the door and getting ready for bed, something he couldn’t shake pulled him downstairs. Insistently. Sighing inwardly, he eventually decided on trying to re-establish some comfort between them – otherwise the brunch was set out to be an even bigger disaster.

Just... keep it light, play it safe.

“Oh good, you're still awake~” he said, his persona's voice in full effect as he sauntered towards the pool. “Do you want to see the outfi-”

His voice died in his throat as Illumi looked at him, eyes red-rimmed and wet. Hisoka just stared, immediately at a loss for words.

“What is it?” Illumi asked with a level voice that completely betrayed his appearance.

“Have you been crying?” Hisoka asked, despite it being nothing but obvious. He winced inwardly at his own idiocy.

“Yes,” Illumi said, his tone still neutral and matter-of-factly. There were no tears rolling down his cheeks now, but he still wiped a thumb along the underside of his eyes and then his nose, almost as if to check if there was any wetness that needed to be dealt with. “I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I thought you'd already gone to bed.”

Hisoka stood unmoving. He had trouble forming coherent thoughts – and Illumi looking openly at him, completely unafraid yet so vulnerable didn't make it any easier. He'd never expected to see him like this – and he didn't want Illumi to apologise for it, in his own home on top of that. There were so many things Hisoka wanted to say, so many questions he wanted to ask. But nothing had made it past his lips as Illumi went on, exhaling smoke, “What did you want to show me?”

“Nevermind, I-...” Feeling like a fool, Hisoka looked out on the pool, out over the city and then back at Illumi. He was going to regret this. Hell, he already regretted it. “Why were you crying?” he asked, nonetheless.

Illumi took a drag from the cigarette and it wasn't sexy at all, anymore. His hands were slightly shaky and the little bundle of herbs seemed to be the only thing that kept him from slipping, from actually crying. In his other hand he clutched something that made his fingers drip... were those ice-cubes? Huh...

After he'd exhaled some smoke, and with his voice uncannily calm, Illumi said, “I'm upset with you. You lied to my face and then walked out on me.”

Guilt immediately gripped him again, and Hisoka averted his gaze while he chewed the inside of his cheek.

Why had he thought things would go back to normal after he'd pulled that stunt? 

… This was it, wasn't it?

It had only been a matter of time, but he was surprised it had come so quickly. He'd tried to behave for Illumi, far more than he'd tried for others. But it hadn't been enough. He'd fucked it all up, for good. Regret spread in his gut as he tried to brace himself for what was about to happen.

As calm as he could muster, he said, “Alright, I understand. ...When do you want me out?”

Illumi suddenly lifted his head and looked at him, perplexed. “What?”

Hisoka went through the motions like he'd always done. Keep your chin high. “Give me a date and then I'll be out of your hair.”

Confusion scrunched the other man's face. “...I don't understand. Why do you think I want you to leave?”

“You just said you're upset with me.”

“What has that to do with-...” Illumi rubbed a hand over his face, blinked a few times and then tilted his head. “Hisoka. Look at me, please.”

He did, and it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Normally, at this point, he would've cussed at the other person, deflected all of his guilt and then gone out in style while burning the bridge behind him, but he didn't have the urge to do that with Illumi. No. Not a single thought went in that direction. Instead, there was silent dejection gathering low in his stomach, a feeling that told him he'd lost something truly precious, something that he should've fought for more. But he was a coward. So he tried not to let any of that show.

Illumi let a long moment of silence pass, and Hisoka wanted to run again. He was aware that doing it twice within the span of a few hours was low, even for him. But he was at a loss for words. He'd never stayed long enough to deal with the fallout of his behaviour before. He'd never tried again. It was much harder than cutting people off. Or being cut-off.

In the wordless stretch of the moment, the past caught up to him, memories overwhelmed him, bringing him back into the principal's office, his father's, then his first boyfriends' doorstep once again with nothing to gain and everything to lose.

You're expelled.

Get your shit and then get the fuck out of my house, faggot. You don't live here anymore.

It's over, Hisoka. Don't come back.

Illumi's eyes never left him, and under the unrelenting inspection of his face, Hisoka gave a rigid smile, clinging to what was left of his performative husk, even as he felt his eyes go glassy. It was a reflex whenever things got out of hand.

When Illumi was certain Hisoka wouldn't speak up, he went on, “I don't want you to leave. That's the last thing I want. I want to talk about what happened. Please, sit down.”

Hisoka did, even though he didn't share the sentiment. Conversations like these had always been battles he couldn't win.

Illumi was still looking at him.

“I'm not sending you away,” he said, his voice calm and patient and all the other things Hisoka didn't feel like he deserved right now, “I'm upset with you, yes, but it's also your right to do whatever you want and how I react to situations is not your responsibility. I want you to decide freely. I just don't understand what happened. I thought you wanted the contract and then you suddenly left.”

“I wanted the contract,” Hisoka confirmed, his voice feeling like it didn't belong to him. It was way too small.

“Then why- … why did you feel the need to lie to me?”

Hisoka looked down at his hands and didn't respond. He wanted to be somewhere else.

“Do you not feel safe to tell me? Have I... pressured you somehow? I realise I might have overdone it with the frequent expensive presents, the condo, the...everything. Maybe I should've checked in with you more. I've been told before that it can all be a bit much. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

Hisoka looked up and over at the other man. Why was Illumi apologising to him? And why was he apologising for doing exactly what they had agreed on? Hisoka needed to say something, and fast. But the ramblings continued. “It was the notebook, wasn't it...? When I brought up my findings about your limits and preferences and confronted you with them during the negotiations-... It wasn't the most tactful thing for me to do, I never even asked you if you were alright with me keeping notes. If I ever made it seem like you had to say yes to a contract, I want you to know-”

“That's not it,” Hisoka finally interrupted him. “I'm sorry for...” he cleared his throat. Fuck, this would've been leagues easier if he had the collar around his throat, establishing a situation that promised him he was safe. “I'm sorry for walking out and lying. I just didn't know what else to say or how to explain...” he trailed off. Illumi regarded his profile and Hisoka found himself unable to meet his gaze head-on.

“You don't have to explain anything. I know it's not easy to speak about certain things and you should never have to justify when you want to leave a situation. You wouldn't justify a yellow or red light either... But please, just tell me honestly if you're upset or want to stop.”

Hisoka rubbed his forehead and, after a long moment, nodded. “...I'll try.”

“Thank you.” Illumi took a drag from the cigarette and then asked, “Are you?”

“Hm?”

“Upset.”

Hisoka touched his brows again, lips tense. “...Yes.”

Illumi exhaled the smoke and looked up into the sky. Then he put out what was left of the blunt in a nearby ashtray and turned his full attention to Hisoka – actually, physically turning his body towards him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don't know. Maybe.”

“I... I think it's important that we do.”

“Alright.”

“If this is about our last session, I-”

“It's not that. I enjoyed it a lot. It's... never about our sessions, Illumi. They're fantastic.”

Illumi exhaled a sigh and he sounded immensely relieved. Hisoka looked over with a questioning look as the other man rubbed over his mouth with his open hand.

“Does that... surprise you?” He'd thought with the enthusiastically given permission and amount of frantic orgasms, that much had been clear. Their eyes met briefly.

“Yes. Well, I mean, not exactly, but I feared you were similarly not telling me your limits during sessions, especially if punishment was involved. I thought, if you lie about your well-being in a mundane setting, what else are you lying about? Doing these types of things with someone without their full consent or beyond a limit can cause immense psychological damage. It's absolutely crucial you're honest with me when we play or we cannot continue to do this.” Hisoka's eyes widened in panic.

“It's not about the sessions, I swear,” he said more quickly than he'd intended to. “You're the most considerate dom I've ever come across. And I'm not just saying that, I've met plenty of idiots who just claimed they were as experienced as you are but didn't know shit about anything.”

“I know. I've seen you stream with them. They weren't very good.”

Hisoka cleared his throat again, embarrassment tinting his cheeks. Right. Peachy. Sometimes he forgot how long Illumi had been watching him.

“What I'm trying to say is... me being upset had nothing to do with our sex or the limits or... anything session-related. Just...” He looked anywhere but the other man's face. Illumi waited patiently for him to sort through his thoughts and find the right words to express them.

“I...”

Tell him.

Tell him you want him for yourself.

Tell him to stay with you.

Tell him how you feel every time he's soft with you.

Tell him that your hard no to romance doesn't include him. That he's the only exception.

For a moment it all seemed worth the risk. And then Hisoka's resolve collapsed in on itself.

Are you insane?!

What do you think is going to happen if you get all clingy and needy like that?

After showing him what a huge train-wreck you are?

You're not what he wants!

He's not in it for you, he just likes your persona. That's why he's letting you stay. And you're doing a shit job of keeping it up.

“Hisoka.” He looked up again as Illumi brushed his fingers along his, the touch so gentle it was hardly perceptible. Still, it made warmth settle in Hisoka's middle, soothing the tense knot in his stomach and silencing the spiralling thoughts for a short while. “Maybe it was another misunderstanding. If me saying I'm upset with you makes you think I want you out, maybe I said something during the negotiations that made you feel something similar?”

Hisoka didn't respond. He could see the other man mentally replaying their previous conversation.

“You snapped at me when I mentioned the option of seeking out other people.”

Hisoka tried really hard to not avert his eyes, but after a few seconds of meeting Illumi's gaze directly, he folded in on himself and did just that. Illumi's fingers came to rest besides his.

“That's it, isn't it?”

There was no point in denying it anymore. He nodded, once.

Illumi thought some more, his brows furrowing in deep concentration. “Considering how you reacted to the offer of that, I presume you want our arrangement to be exclusive to us, am I understanding that correctly?”

Hisoka carded a hand through his hair and stared at the tiles. Here goes nothing. “Yes.”

“That's not a problem,” Illumi said, without hesitation.

Hisoka blinked and looked over, wide-eyed.

“What?”

“The reason why I brought it up was because I felt like I couldn't meet your wish of a session every ten days, and you said you will find an alternative. I wanted to give you the option to seek out others, but if you don't want or need that, I'll gladly have you for myself.”

“What- … you were only talking about me? Not about you?”

“I used the word 'we', but I had you in mind, mostly. I didn't want you to feel trapped in this, so I thought giving you explicit permission to help yourself would refute the fear that I would disapprove of that.”

Hisoka was reeling, visibly struggling to catch up. “Wait, when I said I would find something else, you thought I meant other people?”

Illumi blinked at him owlishly. “Yes.”

“Something, not someone, Illumi. I was talking about jerking off.”

Illumi looked at him. “Ah.” Then he cast a look at the pool. “Oh.” Another moment of quietness passed. Then: “I misunderstood. I'm sorry.”

“... Well, okay, but... what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Feeling trapped goes both ways. Aren't you missing out?”

“On what?”

“...dating people. Romance.”

Illumi looked at him for a long while, a really long while, like he was actually considering, like he was about to say 'yes', and Hisoka felt his pulse in his throat. The thoughts came back at full force.

Open your mouth. Tell him you can adjust your limits.

This is your chance.

Hisoka's lips parted.

For him, you could--

“I'm not ready to date again.” Illumi said, and Hisoka's stomach sank in a whole new way.

“...Why not?”

“After the breakup, I've tried casual dating a few times and it wasn't the right thing for me. Every time someone gets closer to me on an emotional level, it never feels right, like I cannot reciprocate. Nothing ever came close to what I've had before. My former fiancé was my best friend throughout most of my life, and I truly-...” Illumi sighed, unwilling to end that sentence out loud. He looked resigned. “If he can drop me just like that, what's keeping anyone else from doing it, too? So I'm not... open to that at the moment.”

Hisoka's mouth snapped shut.

Illumi continued, “I want someone for... life. I'm aware of the high expectations I'm bringing to the table. Dating culture isn't necessarily cut out for someone who's looking to marry. For most people that's...”

“...too much pressure,” Hisoka finished.

“Yes. That's why I'm shying away from seeking that out... and also why this arrangement we have works so well for me.” He gave a subdued smile in Hisoka's direction. “I know what to expect from it. I don't want anything more or less from it.”

Hisoka's stomach twisted for a brief moment. But a big part of him knew that Illumi's reasoning made sense. Having nothing besides the arrangement simplified everything, really – and he'd just dodged the biggest bullet by not confessing.

They were dom and sub and nothing more.

The certainty stung, but only for a moment, because the relief over finally receiving answers to previously unanswered, uncertain questions hanging in the air prevailed. Now everything was clear and Hisoka could work with that, maybe he was even glad about it. It calmed him in a strange way.

Now he had time to fall out of lo- ...do something against these confusing feelings and everything would be fine and easy again.

“I guess that makes two of us,” he eventually agreed.

Illumi nodded. “I'm glad we're on the same page.”

They both looked at the pool, the aquamarine tint illuminating their faces from below. The sounds of the nightly city below seemed to enhance the silence, but it was a welcome respite from the ups and downs of the rest of the evening.

“Do you have any other questions or things that are on your mind?”

Hisoka couldn't help but look at Illumi's dripping hand.

“Yeah. Why are you holding ice-cubes?”

“Oh, that. It helps with anxiety and panic attacks.”

“I... see.” So he hadn't only been crying, huh? Fantastic. Right next to 'Biggest Idiot', the award for 'Biggest asshole' found its way onto the mental shelf of mocking trophies in Hisoka's mind.

Illumi tossed the object into the pool where it landed with a loud plop. “I'm fine now.”

“Okay.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, I think so.”

More silence – but it grew less and less uncomfortable. Hisoka pulled off his socks and dipped his naked feet into the water next to Illumi's. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the positives as the adrenaline slowly bled from his veins. He wasn't being thrown out. Illumi had just promised him their deal would be exclusive to them. He hadn't lost anything, besides maybe a big chunk of his dignity, but that, he didn't mind at the moment.

Illumi touched the side of his foot to his, and Hisoka smiled minimally.

“Would you like to share my bed tonight?”

“Wh-” Hisoka sputtered and looked over with huge, shocked eyes, “After I made you cry? After I lied to you and then walked out? What happened to 'I'm upset with you'?”

Illumi blinked. “It was a misunderstanding and now I know why you reacted the way you did. And while I don't approve of how you behaved, you still came back, apologised, and we talked it all through. We can move on now, if you want to.”

“...Just like that?”

“Just like that,” Illumi confirmed. A disbelieving laugh made it past Hisoka's lips as something warm but oh-so-crushing spread in his chest. Relief? Fear? Hope? He wasn't sure.

Illumi tilted his head, regarding his features with contemplation. “...Are you not familiar with second chances?”

Hisoka laughed again and shook his head, “Not really, no.”

Illumi hummed and fully took his hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. “I'm sure you'll get used to it...”

“Are you politely telling me you expect me to fuck up again?”

Illumi actually smirked. “We both will. But that's nothing we can't deal with as long as we talk to each other.” Hisoka found the blackness of the other man's eyes and for the first time since they'd started their conversation, didn't feel the urge to look away again. No, he wanted to kiss him instead. But he didn’t. 

“I'm not that good at that,” he confessed.

“I've noticed. But will you try?”

“...Yeah.”

“Then it's all good.”

Illumi had a way of making usually so complicated things sound light and manageable. He made wanting to try it for him easy. Hisoka said, “...Thank you.” And he meant it. The other man searched his features.

“Just... Please promise me one thing.”

“Hm?”

“Don't walk out on my family during brunch tomorrow.”

Oof. “I'll try my best not to. Do I have to be as open with them as I am with you?”

Illumi blinked. “No. You don't have to share anything you're uncomfortable with. I'll help you navigate the conversation as best as I can.”

“Alright.” Hisoka cleared his throat and gently ran his toes alongside Illumi's sole, a silent thank you. “... We can share the bed again, I'd like that.”

“Let's go then. So at least one of us can look fresh for tomorrow,” Illumi rubbed his reddened eyes. “I have a feeling it won't be me.” Hisoka smirked a little.

“I have just the thing for you, Mister Zoldyck.”

-

“Wow. Oh wow. Hisoka, that's-”

“It feels great, doesn't it?”

“Mm. It's amazing.”

“Good~”

Illumi touched the cold eye mask Hisoka had bestowed him with, fresh out of the fridge, and looked absolutely mesmerised by its effects. Hisoka chuckled and settled into bed next to him. It was really fortunate they had managed to change and brush their teeth before the weed had hit, because now his favourite real estate agent was laying flat on his back and had grown absolutely boneless. After the conversation that had cleared everything up, the reprieve to his eyes had evidently been the last missing piece to help him relax fully. He was staring at the ceiling, unblinking, looking like the world's weirdest and least motivated superhero. It was strangely adorable. “Can you hand me my meds? They're in the...” Illumi vaguely gesticulated at the night stand.

Hisoka opened it and found the prescription pill bottles – and the tablet. He briefly wondered when the next time would be where they could discuss the contract, but then just took the meds out. “Which one of these do you need?” Illumi looked over as Hisoka held them out to him. He picked one of the little containers and sat up to medicate himself, and even high out of his mind, he somehow still managed to look elegant and poised while doing so.

“When do we leave tomorrow?” Hisoka inquired, having opened the alarm on his phone, ready to adjust it.

“Around eight thirty,” Illumi said after he'd chugged an entire glass of water with the pill. He kicked the body pillow resting at the foot-end of the mattress off the bed and then huddled up to Hisoka's side at once, finding a comfortable place in his arms. Hisoka, who'd been about to sigh in a heap of dramatic desperation about having to get up early, now had the sound stuck in his throat as the other man's limbs tangled with his, so he just made a tiny noise of acknowledgement and then cleared his throat. After setting his alarm, he turned off the lights and then back towards Illumi.

At least tonight there was no weight on his bruised ass, as he was also laying on his side. Oh god, they were intimately entangled right now, weren't they? Even more so than last night.

“Are you nervous about tomorrow?” Illumi's balmy voice rang through the darkness, the warmth of each and every word brushing over Hisoka's sternum. Soft fingers ran along his waist in silent worship.

“A little...” The other man's eyes blinked up at him, somehow even darker than the blackness of the lightless room, encouraging him to elaborate. Hisoka fished for the right words. “I'm... shy. And I don't know what to expect from it,” he said, honestly.

“Pancakes, as promised,” Illumi said, and tucked his head back under Hisoka's chin, who chuckled lightly. “My parents will probably come off as a little critical and ask a lot of questions. They're always like that.” Oh great. “But they won't be the only ones there. I'm very excited for you to meet my siblings. Alluka will love you, I'm sure.”

“Your sister?”

“Yes.” Well, that made one out of six strangers that could possibly like him. It could be worse, Hisoka thought dryly. Illumi's hands wandered up, and he began brushing his fingers along his neck, the exact space that usually held the collar, and Hisoka found himself unconsciously relaxing under the touch, just the tiniest bit. Since they were already touching, he allowed himself to bury his nose in Illumi's hair and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. The other man didn't protest. He came closer instead, continuing his thoughts out loud. “And once we're back home again, if you'd want to, we could fill out the rest of the contract... and then have our first official session?”

Hisoka grinned with his eyes still closed. “You sound eager again.”

He felt Illumi give a small smile against his skin, although it was weighed down by audible tiredness as he whispered, “I am.” He stifled a yawn behind his hand. “I had somethin' nice planned for today but the evening got a little derailed, so... it'll have to wait 'til next time.”

More than a little intrigued, Hisoka lifted a brow and blinked his eyes open again. “Oh?”

Illumi gave a fatigued chuckle. “Now who's sounding eager...”

“Are you mocking me?”

Illumi laughed openly now. “Yes.” Hisoka gave a playfully offended gasp and his dom nuzzled his face against his firm chest. Still chuckling, he fished for his hand. Hisoka immediately understood and placed it into the heavy black strands of hair, running his fingers along the back of the other man’s head and even carefully down to his nape, which caused him to give a deep, pleased sigh. Careful fingertips brushed along his neck in turn. 

They stayed like this as comfortable, familiar warmth enveloped them both and Hisoka's lids grew heavier. His fingers kept wandering alongside the other man's skin. This felt like aftercare of sorts.

As Hisoka was on the brink of sleep, Illumi muttered softly, “I'm so happy... you're exclusively mine...”

His eyes shot open. Suddenly wide awake again, Hisoka's heartbeat picked up immensely. He wanted to say something but then realised Illumi had already fallen asleep in his arms, leaving Hisoka to his own racing pulse and the wave of emotions that came crashing back down all at once.

And in the back of his mind, a tiny little voice whispered to him: And you really thought you could get rid of those feelings, didn't you, idiot?

Chapter Text

Hisoka woke up with hair in his face, and a body pressed against his dick. Well, against his boner, to be precise.

Gooooood morning, world.

Illumi was still in his arms, but he must've rolled over at some point during the night, because now his butt was flush against Hisoka's front, and his messy bun was practically shoved half the way up his nose. So, even in his sleep, Illumi had no trouble teasing the hell out of him, huh? Peachy. Still bleary-eyed, Hisoka lifted his head out of the nest of hair somewhat and scooted his hips back – a precautionary measurement, before his sleepy brain decided to do stupid things. He reached over to turn off his alarm.

As his arms shifted with the movement, Illumi stirred slightly and mumbled something that sounded close to protest. Hisoka tried to see if he'd already woken him, but Illumi was seemingly still fast asleep, only his beautiful face was now wearing a slightly scrunched expression. Cute. He'd apparently tossed the cold eye-mask to the other end of the bed in his sleep. Also weirdly endearing.

Hisoka reached over, wanting to brush a few strands of hair from the other man's face, but then stopped himself. He didn't want to risk waking him up, knowing how little sleep he got to begin with. Eight thirty was practically noon by his standards. So instead of touching him – tempting as it was – he just watched him sleep for a couple of seconds. And then kept watching, as the disturbance of his offensive movement had ceased again – really, how dare he –Illumi's face slowly resumed its peacefulness.

He could've done it forever, observing the other man stay in such a deeply relaxed state. But he needed to get up and ready. And get rid of his boner. Hisoka slowly withdrew his arms further and slid to the edge of the bed.

He didn't get too far though.

As soon as his weight lifted even the tiniest bit off the mattress, he heard a tiny, soft “...'soka...?” from behind. Ah, shit. He cast a look over his shoulder to see Illumi looking back at him in a similar manner, although his eyes were still almost completely closed. The muddy light of dawn made him look much more fragile, almost like an apparition, close to slipping away. “What time...?”

“It's six. Go back to sleep, Illu. I'm just getting ready,” Hisoka whispered, surprised by the gentleness of his own voice. Illumi blinked very slowly and turned towards him, uncoordinated fingers feeling the still-warm mattress.

“Mm... already?” The unfiltered need in his voice made Hisoka's heart jump and forbade him to move even another inch away. As if entranced, he reached over and finally brushed the loose strands out of Illumi's sleepy face, careful not to touch his actual skin without permission. God, he wanted to kiss him.

“You know it takes some time. I wanna look my best today.”

“You always look your best...” Illumi mumbled defiantly, eyes fallen shut again. He leaned into Hisoka's touch, pushing his fingers into his own hair with the movement. Hisoka stared, completely transfixed.

“Five more minutes...?” And that was checkmate. Illumi looked and felt irresistible, all soft and warm and inviting, the epitome of vanilla. Yes, vanilla, the very thing that Hisoka usually loathed with a passion. The thing that grew harder and harder to resist with each passing day he spent by Illumi's side. The other man's current appearance was the complete opposite of his usual self and yet still something Hisoka was unable to turn away from.

But that wasn't the only problem. He looked at Illumi, then to his own boner, then back to the other man. He cleared his throat.

How to keep this sleepy-friendly...

“You okay with being the big spoon?” he asked. Illumi simply lifted the blanket in invitation – signalling the how didn't matter so much at the moment – and Hisoka slid back under the covers without further discussion. They slotted together, and Illumi pulled Hisoka into his arms at once and then hugged him like his six foot two form was the most fragile, precious thing he'd ever held. A soft, dry kiss was placed in his nape and threatened to shatter what was left of his mask. It made him feel exposed and protected at the same time. Hisoka exhaled silently, trying to rein in his heart that was beating out of bounds.

I'm so happy you're exclusively mine...

He hadn't imagined Illumi saying that last night, had he...? Hisoka gradually softened under the other man's touch. He allowed it to happen.

Maybe this is okay every once in a while... if it's him.

He looked at the wall, realising despite his nervousness about meeting Illumi's family, about having to answer a million questions probably, he felt safe for a brief moment. Safe and sheltered and whole in the other man's arms, despite missing his make up, a nice outfit, and his persona. Illumi's hands brushed along his arms and his sides, gentle pressure from neatly trimmed, clean fingernails, and maybe, just for now, just like this, Hisoka was enough.

“Did you sleep well?” Illumi mumbled against his back.

“Yes... you?”

“Mm... long enough.” It's been five hours max, Illumi, Jesus. Hisoka was convinced the other man had just gotten so used to being dead-tired all the time that he thought regular sleepiness was the closest thing to being well-rested. His voice was clearly still heavy with sleep, yet quickly steadying itself as if it functioned on autopilot. “How's the pain today?” Illumi's hand carefully skimmed his hips and his butt.

Hisoka hummed with a smile. “It's okay.” It still hurt quite a bit, but it wouldn't keep Hisoka from sitting down or moving around. The ointment had really done its job. He heard a sound of content acknowledgement. Then another kiss was pressed to his shoulder, and Illumi resumed his touches further up. Hisoka watched his fingers dance along his bicep, stretching towards the crook of his arm before withdrawing up towards his shoulder again and then repeating the process. His forehead rested against Hisoka's back.

“Allow me to check the marks before we leave.” At this point Hisoka wasn't sure if Illumi just took the aftercare very seriously or if he liked seeing the bruises as much as he did. Maybe a little bit of both. He subtly pressed his hips back against Illumi's, signalling his approval.

“I'll make sure to report back to you once I've taken a shower, Mister Zoldyck.”

Hisoka's loyal soldier improv was apparently completely lost on Illumi – maybe he was still too tired or he was already much too used to his sub obeying – because all he responded with was, “Good.”

For a moment it was unclear if Hisoka's true meaning of 'The five minutes are up and I need to get going if you want to leave on time' had been caught, until Illumi sighed, hugged him close once more, and then reluctantly let him go, brushing fingertips down his spine as he sat up. If Hisoka hadn't been driven by the pressure to make the best possible impression on the Zoldycks, it'd have been impossible for him to leave the bed. But as it stood, it was just very, VERY hard.

Once he got to his feet, Illumi immediately rolled over onto his stomach, and onto the warm spot Hisoka's body had left on the mattress. He even buried his face in Hisoka's pillow. The urge to kiss him resurfaced again, stronger this time. Oh my god, focus, you idiot!! Hisoka quickly turned away to not succumb to his brain’s needy wishes. He gathered his clothes – mainly to cover up his morning wood – and then made for the door. He stopped in the frame, an idea suddenly coming to mind.

“What time is your alarm set for?”

“Seven thirty...” Illumi mumbled dutifully, even though he was already half asleep again. Hisoka nodded, stealing another glance at the softly rising and falling shoulders of the other man, and then left the bedroom to return to his own part of the condo, ready to get to work.

-

It was seven twenty-five when he silently re-entered the room in a bath-robe, with his face already painted for the gods, and his hair unstyled, still damp from the shower and the treatment. In his hands he balanced a tray that held one tiny cup of espresso, one large hot chocolate with extra cream on top, and a latte macchiato for himself. He set the beverages down on one of the night stands, and then reclaimed his place on the edge of the bed and waited.

At seven thirty, Illumi's barely audible phone alarm went off. Without lifting his head much, he blindly reached over and turned it off. A few seconds of zero movement passed, and Hisoka wondered if he'd immediately fallen asleep again, but then Illumi gave a sigh – the first openly expressed sign of exhaustion Hisoka had ever seen him display. Interesting... After that, Illumi immediately rolled over, ready to will himself out of bed, but then halted and blinked surprised eyes up at him. So he really hadn't heard him re-enter, hm? Hisoka waved with his fingers only and gave a soft smile.

“Oh, good morning.” Tiny pause. Then, an immediate, “You look beautiful.” Hisoka smirked.

“Thank you. I'm happy to report that I've successfully conquered the coffee machine, so I've made us some. And I've brought the ointment.” He held up the container, showing off his newly painted and perfectly manicured fingernails in the process. “You wanted to check the marks before we left.”

Illumi sat up slowly. His stare wandered from the tray holding the beverages to Hisoka. He seemed more than a little astonished. At a loss for words even. Then the moment of speechlessness had passed, and his responsible, composed side kicked in again. He reached to grab the ointment out of Hisoka's hands.

“Alright, let me-” Hisoka dodged his attempt.

“First things first, darling,” he chided and held the espresso under Illumi's nose. “And good morning to you, too.”

Illumi blinked again, the perplexed expression returning once more with it. After accepting the tiny mug, a similarly tiny smile made its way onto his lips and he thanked Hisoka. Not with words, but with a feather-soft kiss to his cheek, and another one placed in the corner of his mouth. Hisoka hummed and chuckled under the attention, then turned his head. Their noses brushed and suddenly they were kissing for real.

It was sweet and short, because either out of consideration for his make up or urge for coffee, Illumi withdrew after a few seconds and then handed Hisoka his drink as well. They shared a smile as they lifted the mugs almost in unison.

Talk about starting your day the right way...

-

They left the condo about an hour later, right on time, and Hisoka thought they looked like perfectly coordinated fashionistas once again. Him in his peachy-soft one-tone outfit that screamed 'Hello dear overprotective parents, I'm definitely not fucking your son or accepting money from him but I'm still loads of fun and also definitely have my shit together so please don’t chase me off your lawn', and Illumi... Well, for starters, Illumi wasn't wearing a suit today, which already marked the day as extraordinary. He was clad in one of his more casual outfits: A striped, linen button-down with the sleeves rolled up to right below the elbows, and petrol-coloured shorts that ended a little above the knee. He still had a designer watch on display, and even in an outfit as simple as this one, he just oozed luxury. Illumi always looked expensive. Because of the heat the forecast had promised, his hair was also pulled taut in a high ponytail.

Truly a sight for sore eyes, Hisoka thought.

Before they could truly start their journey to the Zoldycks, in yet another ridiculously expensive car that was most certainly a convertible, Illumi stopped by a flower shop, excusing himself for a short while. He returned with what looked like a made-to-order bouquet, wrapped in translucent foil. The flowers were opulent, a lovely, carefully arranged mixture of cornflower blue, sunflower and daylily yellow and delphinium purple.

“Could I ask you to hold this for the remainder of the trip?”

“Sure.” Illumi placed it carefully into Hisoka's hands, whose eyebrows had risen considerably. Even with the packaging, the floral powdery scent immediately filled the inside of the car.

“Special occasion?”

“Oh, no, no. I always bring one for my mother when I visit.” You and me both, Hisoka thought, and then breathed in the scent of the blossoms in front of him, a small indulgence.

“How nice,” he said out loud. He held the bouquet upside down to keep the flowers from prematurely letting their heads hang. “Mama's boy, hm?” 

Illumi flushed slightly. “You could say that.”

Of all the things to blush about. Hisoka grinned. He wondered how much more they had in common.

The remainder of the drive was relatively uneventful, aside from Illumi giving Hisoka a quick rundown of all of his family members' names, their ages, and some of their interests. Hisoka was sure he would remember about a third of the information, if he was lucky. That family had… way too many members. A powerpoint presentation would’ve been nice or at least made it easier to retain the facts that Illumi fed him. But since that wasn’t an option, he just tried to focus on what he deemed most important: The mother was huge on family, the father prioritised his business. Clichéd. Hisoka wondered if keeping that minimal information would get him anywhere or help him navigate the situation, but he greatly doubted it. They really should've had more than one strategic meeting before this. But it was way too late for that now.

He didn't get to be too distraught about it though, because at some point Illumi placed a hand on Hisoka's thigh and only ever lifted it when he had to switch gears or signal a turn. The simple gesture fully grounded him. To the soundtrack of whatever was playing on the stereo, they left the bustle of the city behind, drove past skyscrapers, parks, schools and residential districts of every societal class, and eventually even passed the many villas of the gated community on the southern outskirts of town.

Hisoka watched the luxurious houses flash by. “So, which of these is yours?”

Illumi smiled. “We already passed it.”

Hisoka gasped. “And you didn't tell me?? You can be so mean, Illu.”

“It's off the main road so showing it to you would've taken up too much time today.” He lifted Hisoka's hand to his lips and placed a dry kiss on his knuckles, the action definitely immediately kickstarting his pulse. “But I will, eventually,” Illumi promised. Then he placed Hisoka's hand on his own thigh, and suddenly Hisoka had nothing to complain about.

The sun was already quite high – it was around ten – when Illumi opened an app on his phone and pressed a button. A gate sitting at the very end of a cul-de-sac road suddenly came to life and opened as they approached. They entered a property and were now facing what was undoubtedly The Zoldyck Estate.

Yes. Capital letters. Because what the fuck.

Hisoka had trouble keeping his jaw from hitting the floor. Not only did Illumi's family own a gigantic mansion – villa would've been an understatement – it was surrounded by several acres of plot. Well-kept gardens, numerous smaller houses, sports facilities, pools, anything the mind could imagine, as far as the eye could see. The property sat on the edge of a steeply declining hill and overlooked the entire city below. In the distance you could see the mountains on the other side of the valley and beyond that, even further away, hints of the forests and lakes that littered the area. It was a breathtaking view. 

The journey towards the front doors of what looked like a small castle took several minutes on a cobbled driveway.

Hisoka's nerves slammed back into him with full force. This was an entirely different world. How the hell was he supposed to fit in? And he’d really thought picking the right outfit was going to help him not stand out. How ridiculous.

This is where I’m going to die.

“Here we are.” Illumi announced, as he navigated the car around a huge waterspout fountain and parked in front of the main building, where a pair of black-haired tweens already awaited them in the open door.

“Mom!! Dad!! Illu-nii is here!” the slightly taller one shouted into the house. As soon as Illumi's car came to a stop, both of his siblings bolted towards the driver's side. Illumi had not even fully exited the car yet when they threw themselves into his arms and hugged him tightly. He hugged back with a smile, instantaneously buried under the exclaims made by their wild and unfiltered voices, fighting to get the most of his attention. Hisoka couldn't help but chuckle over the cute display and exited the car on his side.

“Alluka, Kalluto, this is Hisoka,” Illumi said and gestured towards him. The children regarded him. Hisoka gave a wave and a smile and parted his lips to greet them, but, once again, the slightly taller of the two immediately squealed, “Oh my god, your makeup! You look so cool!” She had a huge, contagious smile on her face. Illumi shot Hisoka a knowing look that said I told you she would love you. It helped ease his nerves a bit.

“Why, thank you~ You must be Alluka. Your brother has told me a lot about you.”

Alluka looked up at Illumi, almost accusingly, who simply shrugged. “Only the good things, of course.”

“About your great sense of fashion, for example. And he was right.” Now, Alluka's big, blue eyes turned back towards Hisoka, full of excitement. She looked down at her flowing sundress, lime green with pastel pink flower details, and did a half-twirl, something that made both him and Illumi smile.

“You like it??”

“Mm, it suits you.”

Next to Alluka's glee, Kalluto regarded Hisoka with careful apprehension. He still stood close to Illumi, almost behind him. Hisoka remembered Illumi mentioning his age on the drive here, but seeing him now, Hisoka thought he didn't look like an eleven-year-old. More like seven... ish. He was extraordinarily tiny. Just as Hisoka wanted to greet the youngest Zoldyck, Kalluto pointedly turned his head away and tugged on Illumi's arm instead, saying: “I broke my sprint record.”

Illumi's eyebrows shot up. “Really? You have to show me later.”

“I bet I can beat you in a race now,” the little one said, competitive fire in his pinkish eyes that overshadowed the fact that there was no way in hell a runt like him could ever outrun his much taller and older brother. But Illumi indulged him, fully intent on taking him up on the bet, and actually smirked. His deep adoration for his siblings was palpable. Hisoka loved seeing him like this.

This isn’t so bad…

“Only one way to find ou-”

“Illumi!” A woman's shrill voice cut through the air, so loud and sudden Hisoka actually flinched a little. He turned towards the main door where Illumi's mother was standing – Kikyou – her hand hooked on the arm of a massive man with long, white curls that hung past his broad shoulders – the father, Silva, no doubt. Hisoka straightened and Illumi, who was immediately all composed and serious again, came around the car and towards his parents to greet them properly.

It only took one second, one look at the searchingly reaching hands of Illumi's mother and the way Illumi stepped into her reach, for Hisoka to realise she was completely blind. “It's so good to have you home again,” she cooed, brushing her thumbs along where Illumi had placed them on his cheeks. She kissed his forehead, and her son held very still throughout it all. Hisoka noticed the stark difference in Illumi's behaviour compared to hugging his siblings. He also couldn't help but realise how touchy-feely everyone was with him here – and how no one had asked him if he was okay with it before doing so. On the other hand... they were family. They probably functioned under different rules.

Kikyou continued, her voice almost lamentation, “Oh, I've missed you so much. You don't visit enough.”

“I've reminded him,” Silva said. His voice was unnecessarily stern, considering the fact that he had undoubtedly been the one to pump Illumi's schedule so full of work he probably couldn't have visited more often even if he'd wanted. On top of it all, Silva hadn't really acknowledged Illumi at all throughout their reception. No touch, no hug, not even a proper hello. Hisoka was still wary of him, because he acted way too close to his own understanding of a father. And he didn’t like that very much.

“I'm sorry,” Illumi said, “Work has kept me busy recently. But I'll make sure to do it more often in the near future.” Apparently that wasn't enough of a promise. While Kikyou immediately insisted that family always had to come first, Silva grumbled something about the recently lost deal and how this was a crucial time for the agency. Wow. Illumi hadn’t lied about their priorities.

Having them stand next to each other, Hisoka realised what a split image of his mother Illumi was – and that he had nothing in common with his father, except maybe his tall stature. But Kikyou and her son had the same long raven hair, lean limbs, soft features and big eyes – though her pupils were a dull grey that stood out like foggy moons within the deep black of her irises. Another thing Hisoka immediately noticed was how young Kikyou and Silva both looked. Not how you'd imagine parents of five. Considering Illumi's age, Hisoka couldn't help but wonder...

When the banter of his parents had finally died down somewhat, Illumi gave Hisoka a look and some space to approach. He took the bouquet from him so he had his hands free to greet them.

“Mother, Father, this is...”

“I'm Hisoka, the new room-mate,” he said with his best smile and extended his hand. Silva regarded him from head to toe with sharp blue eyes and a face that was apparently unfamiliar with the concept of smiling.

“I've heard,” was all he said. He grabbed Hisoka's hand in an iron grip – clearly from the generation that assumed a man was to be measured by the amount of pressure he could put into a simple handshake – and nodded towards him. Hisoka knew what to do, having met enough people like him, so he tried to match the pressure that currently threatened to pinch a few of the nerves in his dominant hand. Silva was apparently not impressed with his attempt and made a point of squeezing even harder.

Okay, ouch.

When he released his hand again, Hisoka was sure he heard some of his knuckles creak and pop. Trying to win over Daddy Zoldyck was maybe a task for another day. He resisted the urge to shake out his hand. Next, Kikyou's palms found Hisoka's arm, which stood in stark contrast to Silva, because her touch was feathery soft. Yet she was sure to let Hisoka feel the sharp edges of her manicured nails.

“Oh my, you're a tall one, aren't you?” she said, and lifted her chin up towards where she assumed his face to be. “Illumi always had a thing for tall men, you know, being so tall himself.”

“Mom, please,” Illumi said with flushed ears. Hisoka smirked.

Well, he prefers me on my knees.

“I'm actually wearing heels right now,” he said, his tone light. “But yes. Still a little taller than Illu without them.” Kikyou blinked and her smile suddenly grew hollow, only barely hiding the fact that she clearly didn't appreciate it when a stranger like Hisoka referred to her baby with a nickname that held far too much familiarity. Oopsie.

Illumi seemed to notice, too, because he was quick to interject with a “I've brought you some flowers.”

“Oh-” Lifting her clawed hand off of Hisoka's arm, Kikyou turned her attention towards her eldest son again and took the huge bouquet, now a natural smile stretching across her painted lips. “How nice of you, my dear,” she said with a soft voice and breathed in the floral scent. Appeased for the moment, she continued, “Come in now, brunch is ready. Hisoka, please feel most welcomed.”

“Thank y-”

“MILLUKI! KILLUA! GET DOWN HERE AT ONCE!” There was no transition – Kikyou's voice only seemed to know two modes: soft whispers or banshee-like shrieking. Her ear-piercing words echoed in the massive entrance hall and the many corridors, before it fell silent again. There was no reaction throughout the house. No acknowledgement of the screaming at all in the present group either. Apparently it was a very normal occurrence.

As everyone walked towards the door that led into the garden, Kikyou cast a look over her shoulder, into the general direction of the entourage. “Kalluto-chan, go get your brothers. They're very rude for being late.”

“Yes, mother.” Kalluto immediately rushed up one of the staircases. Hisoka's gaze trailed after him, and he dropped his shoulders, having subconsciously lifted them in caution over the screaming.  Then his eyes came to rest on Alluka, who looked up at him with unabashed curiosity. A smile bloomed on her face as soon as they locked eyes. Clearly a fan. Hisoka smiled back, though he wasn't sure yet what to think of this very strange dynamic overall.

Calm down. It’s gonna be fine.

One out of six strangers liking him wasn't that bad, he reminded himself, when he suddenly spotted another person already sitting outside.

One out of... seven strangers.

“Grandpa,” Illumi said, and a smile spread on his lips, maybe the biggest Hisoka had ever seen from him. “I didn't know you were in town.” He marched over and hugged his grandfather, a man with bushy white eyebrows, a long moustache, and impressively lush hair for his age. Not even a receding hairline. Talk about good genes. 

Silva cleared his throat, and it slowly dawned on Hisoka that he was likely completely averse to physical affection being openly displayed, even between family members.

“Oh, how nice. Haven’t seen you look this happy in years, Lulu.” Lulu. LULU??? “Your mother said something about your new boyfriend,” the old man said, patting Illumi's shoulder. “I didn't want to miss out.” He looked simultaneously fragile and surprisingly fit for someone who was way into his sixties or maybe even seventies. He shot Hisoka a look. “Is that him?”

“Room-mate,” Illumi corrected. “And yes, this is Hisoka. Hisoka, this is my grandfather-”

“Call me Zeno.” He extended his hand, and as soon as Hisoka took it, he pulled him down with surprising force to get a good look at him. His silver eyes were bright and had a hint of mischief in them. After a long second of assessment, a smirk curled his lips, his long moustache following suit.

“You look like a troublemaker,” he concluded.

Hisoka’s face fell a bit and he sputtered nervously. How do you even respond to that? “Oh, I-”

“I like it,” Zeno added, most likely to clarify that this was a good thing. “This one,” he nodded towards Illumi, “needs a little bit of that.” Hisoka's eyebrows shot up. He heard Alluka giggle behind him, and how Silva, once again, cleared his throat in disapproval.

Maybe two out of seven strangers liked him...

Zeno patted Hisoka's hand before letting it go and then directed his attention towards his grandson, “Illumi, hold on to this one, you have my blessing.” Both Illumi and Hisoka flushed brightly.

Woah, grandpa, hold your horses–

“Father!” Kikyou exclaimed in horror. Zeno – for the lack of a better expression – didn't seem to give a fuck about her hysterics. Feeling his cheeks darken even further, Hisoka bit back a grin and looked over at Illumi, who was wide-eyed and had no way of hiding the way his cheeks and ears had gained some colour.

“He's my room-mate, grandpa. Nothing more.”

“Whatever you younglings call it nowadays.”

Hisoka hid a laugh behind his hand. 

Maybe this is going to be okay, after all.

Minutes later, with three of the Zoldycks still missing, they were seated at a long table that was abundantly covered with every type of food you'd expect for a high-end brunch. A delicious smell hung in the air, and a huge, pristinely white pavilion had been erected to shelter them all from the blistering heat of the sun.

On the side stood a handful of butlers. Actual, real life butlers, uniform and all, who immediately saw to everyone's beverages, and a vase for the huge bouquet. Hisoka allowed himself a mimosa because with all of the crazy rich things happening around him, he thought a little bit of buzz might do him some good to help him relax. Also, come on. It didn't matter who you were: You couldn't have brunch and not have at least one mimosa.

While he took a sip of the perfectly mixed drink, he let his eyes wander over the buffet. It was nothing short of a feast. There were pastries of any shape and kind, a huge amount of fresh fruit, both local and exotic, sweet and savoury treats alike that ranged from hash browns to crisp bacon and eggs in any imaginable shape and form to doughnuts, a whole palette of jams and honey and sweet spreads, and actual cake. But there was something else, too: a wide range of Japanese foods you'd expect to find in bento boxes meant for children. Rice balls, filled buns, sweetened omelette rolls, melon bread, octopus sausages, apple bunnies. Cute-looking foods Hisoka had only ever seen on social media before. A nod to the family's heritage?

Illumi's eyes lingered on that part of the display. “Mom, did you...?”

Kikyou smiled. “Can't have you over and not have your favourites.” Illumi smiled, almost sheepish, and leaned over to kiss his mother's temple and Hisoka belatedly realised that, if nothing else, Kikyou had likely prepared that part herself.

“Thank you,” Illumi said. Silva exhaled audibly, all stoic and wordless, like his son's joy over his mother's efforts and the special food was somehow inappropriate, and the sound made Illumi's eyes flit over to him for a brief moment. He sat back down and went for his favourites nonetheless. Hisoka watched as he selected an apple bunny – just one – for himself and then held the plate out to his younger siblings who gladly helped themselves to the treats. Hisoka took one as well, impressed by how perfectly even they were. As he gave it a taste – the apple was crisp and juicy – he let his gaze wander along the banquet, trying to make a decision for himself, but the sheer amount of choices was overwhelming.

Even for nine people, this was far too much for anyone to eat. And the tension in his stomach made it hard to feel the hunger anyway.

“You wanted pancakes, right?” Illumi asked, and a butler handed him the plate with perfectly fluffy, evenly baked circles. They were still warm.

“Thank you,” Hisoka said, and did his best to hide his nerves behind a smile. He piled three pancakes onto his plate –  he didn’t want to seem rude by only taking one – and was immediately presented with a selection of toppings from yet another butler. When he turned again he saw that Illumi had gone straight for the bento section of the table. Well, he had clearly no trouble choosing. Mama's boy through and through. It was an immensely cute sight. While Hisoka fought a smile and tried his hardest not to stare, a new person suddenly emerged from the house, next to Kalluto.

“Jesus, it's way too hot to eat outside. Whose idea was this?” said a round-faced teenager, clad in a pink shirt and capri shorts, who Hisoka assumed was the second eldest son. Hisoka had trouble remembering his name correctly. What was it again...? Killu...mi? No, that's not right.

The black-haired youth squinted in the sunlight and fanned himself some air. “Ah, hi, Illu-nii.” He met his older brother with decidedly less enthusiasm than the younger siblings had – no hugs to be seen – but there was still an inkling of warmth in his voice, and Illumi smiled upon seeing him. “It's been a while.”

“You look good, Millu,” said Illumi. Ah. Milluki, Hisoka remembered now. “How have you been?”

Milluki scoffed and approached the table. “Well, I-”

“You're late,” Kikyou hissed as soon as Milluki had taken a seat next to her. “What is our guest supposed to think?!” 

I think you're turning this into an unnecessarily big deal.

Only now did Milluki look at Hisoka, as if he hadn't really noticed him there before. Hisoka wasn't surprised – even considering the fact that he stood out like a sore thumb among all the colourless hair, there was a mountain of food and beverages currently separating them.

“I'm sorry, Mama,” Milluki said, rose to his feet again and extended his hand across the table towards Hisoka. “I'm Milluki. You must be the new boyfriend, huh?”

“Room-mate,” Illumi corrected immediately, miraculously patient still.

“Hisoka. Nice to meet you.” They shook hands and Milluki squinted again, this time decidedly sceptical.

“Full name?” Hisoka raised his brows and opened his mouth again to respond, but Illumi put a hand on his arm to stop him and said “Millu...” in a warning voice, ordering him with a single word to drop it.

Milluki tsked and sat down again with a sour expression. Hisoka wanted to question what the hell that had been about when finally, the last of the Zoldyck siblings emerged from the house. On a skateboard.

“Ahh, whoops. I forgot we had visitors today.”

“Ah, there you are,” Kikyou said with a smile.

Illumi lifted his head and rose to his feet, seemingly readying himself for a hug. But Killua kicked the board up into his awaiting hand and then threw himself onto the chair next to his father, right across from Illumi and Hisoka. “Yo, long time no see,” was all he said. He gave a nonchalant wave towards Hisoka, dodged Illumi's first attempt to ruffle his hair, but couldn’t elude the second, and then, while glaring at his older brother, immediately shovelled food onto his plate. Well, mostly just chocolate cake. Everyone else seemed to take it as a signal to also start digging into their food.

How strange.

Hisoka openly observed the latest addition to the table. He was small for his age, stuck in the slightly unproportional limbo that hit all kids who'd just entered puberty, but already showed hints of the same agile build as Illumi. Hisoka mused he'd grow up to be just as tall, if not taller. But that's where the resemblance between him and his siblings ended. Out of all of the children, he was the only one who looked most like his father. Piercing blue eyes and fine, white, fluffy hair. He also notably didn't receive any reprimand, despite being the latest to arrive, and not even feeling the need to introduce himself.

Favourite child, Hisoka immediately concluded. Before he could wonder why that possibly was – aside from maybe blatant sexism that deemed the likeness to Silva as superior – Kikyou answered his unspoken question.

“Hisoka, this is Killua, our little prodigy.” She reached over and touched Killua's arm, who gave a groan and shook her off immediately.

“Mom, don't be weird.”

“I'm just so proud of you,” she sniffed, suddenly very teary-eyed. Hisoka raised an eyebrow.

“Prodigy?” he questioned. Killua groaned again, as if Hisoka had just backstabbed him, and Kikyou continued with a huge smile, evidently very happy that he'd taken her up on the deliberately dropped keyword.

“Killua will finish college next year. Our family has truly been blessed with a smart boy like him.” Hisoka blinked. Wasn't the kid, like, fourteen? And wasn't the family already evidently very blessed? “He'll take over the family business when it's time.” 

Talk about pressure...

Killua rolled his eyes. “Never said I wanted to,” he mumbled. “And we had a deal! Two years of work and travel with Gon after I graduate!” He pointed his fork accusingly at his mother.

“Not without me!” Alluka piped up. “You promised to wait for me!” Killua exhaled in the overly annoyed way only teenagers managed to do while Kikyou started a tirade about how she couldn't bear the thought of more than one of her children being away from home for such a long time, and what a bad influence this Gon was anyway. Hisoka couldn’t help but see the parallels to his own life, having been called that exact thing before. Killua seemed to want to argue further, especially after his friend's name had been dropped in such a way, but Silva put a huge hand on his shoulder and it actually seemed to calm him down a little, an unspoken promise between father and son.

“I just don't want you to waste your time. You have so much potential,” Kikyou sighed. Killua only rolled his eyes in response.

…Okay, wait, but why did the middle child get to inherit the business, when he clearly didn’t want to? What about the two older sons?

Hisoka turned to find Illumi looking at Killua with a smile – he was evidently proud of his brother too, but his expression conveyed far more than that, and only a fraction of it was readable to Hisoka. The other siblings were following the exchange with varying degrees of resignation displayed on their young faces.

A competition none of them had signed up for, Hisoka mused. He took a sip of his mimosa.

“Enough about us,” Kikyou said with the wave of a hand, as if she hadn't been the one to bring the entire topic up in the first place. “Tell us more about you, Hisoka. How did you and Illumi get to know each other?”

Oof. Here we go.

“We got to know each other online. Illumi messaged me first and we started talking.”

“I saw his work on social media, and it really impressed me, so I decided to contact him over it,” Illumi clarified, before anyone could assume they'd spotted each other on a dating app. “He's an exceptionally talented designer and tailor. And a very interesting person on top of it all.” His fingers marginally extended towards Hisoka's, but he caught himself before they touched in full view of his relatives.

Mister “I don't lie to my family” was choosing his words with the utmost care, Hisoka noticed. Still, he couldn’t hide the reverence in his voice. Hisoka wondered if it was audible to the others, too. If what he said was convincing or if it threatened to sound too familiar, too over the top for the things that had just been described. Too much like 'Oh and he has a cam show, too and I kinda wanted to make him come undone with my own two hands'. At the very least, the way he phrased it made a few people sitting at the table lift their eyebrows.

Swallowing his nerves as subtle as possible, Hisoka said, “Well, I'm glad you decided to hit me up, because the same goes for you.” He gave a smile and lifted his glass in a toast. Illumi returned the gesture with a smile of his own.

Killua suddenly lifted his phone and snapped a picture of them looking at each other. Alluka gasped. Hisoka had not even fully processed it happening as he suddenly bore witness to Illumi actually glaring at his brother – an expression he'd never seen him make before. I’m going to kill you, he mouthed. Killua, who was fully aware of Illumi's limited options right now, stuck out his tongue and pocketed his phone. Zeno snorted and Silva shot Illumi a stern look.

“Ohh, I see,” Kikyou said with a smile, completely unaware of the little flash of chaos that had just taken place at the table. “You're an artist.”

She had that tone of voice. The one middle-aged people always had when they were about to tell you to get a real job. If tailoring was already a questionable career path to her, Hisoka thanked every possible god she didn't know about his other occupation.

“Can I see??” Alluka's eyes were sparkling so much they were almost blinding Hisoka.

“Oh, sure.” He fished out his phone to show her his insta page – the one that was dedicated to his designs and sewing projects, the one his fellow students knew him by, the one that had no trace of his cam show. The profile of Flush_Of_Cards was vastly different from Flush_Of_Hearts. She squealed upon receiving the phone, and all of her siblings – except Illumi, who probably already knew the page by heart – leaned in as well.

“Not bad,” Killua said. Kalluto just watched with big eyes, completely silent. He didn't seem to understand what his sister was so excited about. Milluki had come around the table and squinted at the display and Hisoka came to the realisation that he just had a resting bitch face, because there was genuine curiosity when he inquired, “Are you self-taught?”

“Not entirely. My mother taught me the basics from a very young age,” Hisoka said. “She used to design and sew my clothes, too, so that's kind of where I picked that up.” He shrugged and smiled. Only as he noticed Illumi staring at him, Hisoka became aware of the fact that he had just voluntarily shared a piece of his past with him and everyone at the table. One that was usually kept away from the world. Ah, shit. Unfamiliar situations like these made it hard for him to share the right amount of information. Gold eyes met black ones briefly. He was sure there would be a whole conversation to follow that up.

“Ah, so you work together with your mom?” Milluki questioned.

“No, I do my own thing,” Hisoka said.

“This is so cool!!” Alluka proclaimed full of unfiltered joy, then, “Do you know what cosplay is?”

Hisoka smirked. “I do.” If possible, her face grew even more excited. Of course she was into cosplay. 'She likes to dress up' up had been an understatement on Illumi's side, then. “Let me guess, you're a theatre kid, too.”

“It’s obvious, huh?” Killua said flatly and Alluka elbowed him. “Don’t be mean!” Hisoka chuckled.

“It was just a guess. We have a lot in common, you and me.” She loved hearing that. 

“Can you sew something for me??”

“Hmmm, maybe another time. I don't take commissions at the moment. And I only sew my own designs, sorry.” Now disappointment overtook Alluka's features and she pouted, but Hisoka knew just the thing to cheer her up again. He leaned in and stage-whispered, “But don't worry. Someone told me it's a special girl's birthday very soon so you might have something nice coming your way anyway~” Alluka's eyes widened, and after glancing at Illumi, she giggled, then looked back at the phone. My god, she was adorable.

“When did you and Illumi decide to move in together?” Kikyou questioned, her voice still deceptively sweet as she pulled the conversation back to what she deemed important. “You must get along quite well. Illumi preferred living by himself for a long time now, you know.” Did he now?

Hisoka knew she was deliberately dropping certain words that invited him and Illumi to question or correct her, and accidentally give up too much in the process. She was strictly weighing and analysing each word that came out of his and everyone else's mouth, too.

“Well, during our conversations online, it came up that I was looking for a new apartment and Illumi offered to help me with that.” Close enough to the truth. “We met a few times and when I visited eventually-”

“The opportunity presented itself,” Illumi said, “Hisoka needs some space for his work and I happened to have it. It's also a much more sensible use of the vacant rooms of my city apartment.”

“I see. How convenient for both of you,” Kikyou said with a smile that looked dangerous somehow. “What does your girlfriend think of you living with another man, Hisoka?”

Wow, what a smooth way of asking him if he was queer. Killua gave another groan from across the table while Kalluto looked thoroughly confused.

“I'm single at the moment,” was everything Hisoka said to that. Kikyou's eyes sharpened, like he had just admitted to murder, and, in her eyes, definitely confessed that he was clearly out to date her son – which was decidedly worse in her book. After pocketing his phone, he quickly busied himself with his pancakes to get a second of not having to answer these questions anymore. Of course, his hope was short-lived.

“So, Hisoka,” Silva finally decided to take part in the conversation, “How much money is there in a field like fashion design?”

Uncomfortable with the whole 'possibly dating' topic, are we, Zoldyck Senior?

But the slight change of topic was definitely doing him a favour at the moment. Hisoka hummed, “Well... it depends on the direction you're choosing. I'm focusing on costume design, so my creations will most assuredly never see the runway, but that doesn't mean it isn't lucrative. You can make a living by working for bigger productions, movies and theatre, but even if you only take commissions for a few selective, private customers” – lifestyle influencers, drag queens and celebrities, in that order – “you can live quite well off of it. Overall, I'd say you earn more than enough if you're good at it. You have to make a name for yourself, though. Branding, marketing and management are big parts of it, too.”

“I see. It sounds risky.”

“It is, in a sense. But some things are worth the risk, aren't they?” Hisoka countered, sounding playful, as usual.

Silva's brows furrowed a considerable amount. It was more than evident he didn't share the sentiment. “I take it you have a solid business plan?”

“Well...” Hisoka chuckled, “Sort of. I'm still building up my portfolio.” He knew this response wasn't enough to placate Silva, whose expression darkened further. His cold eyes shifted from Hisoka onto his eldest son, as if to silently ask him to rethink his choice of room-mate, and entirely refocusing his sour mood onto him.

Oh come on now, really? You're going to blame him?

Illumi shifted beside him. He kept his face neutral and his chin high, but his slender fingers fisted around one of the napkins before he withdrew his hands entirely from the table, hiding his fidgeting fingers away from the eyes of his family. Still, he kept holding his father's gaze, not backing down.

Many things about Illumi suddenly made a lot more sense to Hisoka. No wonder he was always so perceptive, effortlessly reading between the lines of what was said and done. He had to. He was clearly used to managing his parents' emotions – so much so it had become second nature to him. Which was probably also why he was so prone to over-explain himself. Every one of his choices was under constant criticism, up to the smallest detail, even if it wasn't his choice to begin with. What was most heartbreaking to Hisoka was the realisation why Illumi always made sure to present his conversational partners a way out of situations. It was likely something neither he or his siblings had ever known.

And your parents probably don't even understand why you have anxiety.

Hisoka silently vowed to do better by him.

Kikyou forced herself back into the conversation, “What is your label called?”

“Oh, there is no label yet, at least not officially. I'm still in training. In college, I mean.” If possible, Silva's expression turned even more glum, but at least this time it was directed at him again.

Bring it on.

“What a surprise!” his wife exclaimed, “From what you've just said I was sure you were already working. How old are you again?”

“I'm twenty-two.”

“You're about to graduate soon, then?”

“Not quite. I only started last year. I still have three years to go, maybe more.”

She cocked her head now, feigning confusion. “So you only started college at twenty-one? Why so late? Shouldn't you get an early start in a field as competitive as this one?”

Hisoka quickly realised that he would be held to the same standard as the Zoldyck children sitting around him, especially the little prodigy who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. Willing himself to stay polite, Hisoka continued to smile.

Takes a little more than that to break me down, lady.

“Well, I would have, but I was saving up for the tuition.” Fashion school was fucking expensive. It had taken Hisoka three years of working two, sometimes three shit-paying jobs just to get by, one year of working one decent job while picking up streaming on the side, then finally a breakthrough with his cam show that brought his dreams into reach. He was lucky he managed to receive higher education at all, and she wouldn't take that triumph away from him.

Kikyou either didn't grasp the concept of having to do any of that or she flat-out didn't care. Without hesitation, she continued, “Didn't your parents support you?”

This time, the words hit their mark. Hard. Hisoka fell silent and stared at the woman sitting across from him.

Ohhhh, very thin ice, mama Zoldyck.

He was unable to tell whether she really had no idea how it was for someone with decidedly less wealth to navigate the education system or the world in general, or if she was set on showing her family – showing Illumi – what kind of low-class scum Hisoka was compared to them.

He was quiet for too long. Everyone was looking at him now. Even though he had promised Illumi to not walk out of the conversation, right about now he really wanted to. If they hadn't had their talk the previous evening, and if he hadn't fallen asleep and woken up to his realisation of how much Illumi truly meant to him, further cemented by this very situation, he would've.

But he didn't.

So. Staying left Hisoka with three options: lying, evading or telling the truth. If the parents were as good at spotting lies as Illumi was, Hisoka would leave a horrible impression if he got caught trying to go down that route. And Kikyou was quite literally blind, so he couldn't distract her with his looks or a charming smile. It was very likely she could hear the nuances in his voice better than everyone else. So he tried the next best thing: Evasion with a dose of vague truth.

“They never had that kind of money.” I grew up poor. Sue me.

“What a shame,” Kikyou said, her tone saccharine and performatively sympathetic. “What is it your parents do to be unable to support their child? You mentioned your mother tailoring...” Don't you dare talk about my mother. “...and what you just said left me with the impression that one can easily make enough to take care of one's family from that. Is that not the case after all?” she continued to poke, clearly happy to find an old scar she could rip open. “What about your father?” We will NOT talk about that shitbag. Hisoka abandoned his fork on the edge of the plate, which made everyone present look at him. The few pieces of pancake he’d managed to eat had turned to lead in his stomach. Illumi was gazing at his profile.

Don't let her provoke you...

Soft hands tracing his freckles, presenting him with a self-made shirt on his first day of kindergarten, the colourful logo of his favourite chewing gum embroidered on the front. He remembered smiling so much his cheeks hurt. Hugging her so tightly, set on never letting her go. He loved her with all of his heart and he knew she loved him just the same.

Don't take the bait...

Finding no sleep. Never leaving her bedside when she couldn’t get up anymore. Tubes helping her breathe. Her usually so beautiful and voluminous red hair all matted and stuck to her face. Still, she was cradling his face, weakly following the path of his freckles that matched hers, her pale lips moving softly to tell him once again, one last time, what a good boy he was–

Hisoka forcibly cut the memory off, pushed it away before he couldn't bear it anymore. But the pictures kept coming.

You don’t have to talk about this. You don’t have to share this.

His father leaving him on his own while he cried for days on end in the alien, grey room he already hated. His father’s girlfriend tossing out the clothes his mother had made for him, along with all of his favourite toys because they were too pink and it was about time he manned up. He was already six, after all. No one liked a whiny little bitch. Eventually, he’d stopped crying. He’d stopped smiling. He’d stopped speaking.

…He’d stopped speaking. His eyes refocused onto the people surrounding him.

Say something. Now is not the time and place for this.

He took a deep breath, noticing the cold sweat that had gathered on his brow and his palms, and he unclenched his jaw. He felt sick.

You don’t have to justify this. Like Illumi said. Just say that you want to stop.  

“I'd rather not talk about my parents,” Hisoka said, and Kikyou raised her eyebrows in unison with the others. Everyone seemed to notice the mounting discomfort, even the little ones, but only she didn't seem to care.

“Oh my. And why is that?” She was clearly a stranger to being shown boundaries. Or respecting them.

“Mom.” Illumi tried to interject. His voice was quieter than usual here.

“What? It was just a normal question,” she huffed. “There is really no reason to be secretive about one's family.”

You have no fucking idea.

“I was under the impression we are trying to get to know each other,” she said, her tone of voice now sounding as if she was deeply hurt. “This is why we invited him into our home.”

You quite literally forced your son to drag me here against my will, lady.

Silva was staring daggers at both him and Illumi for consciously upsetting Kikyou. Hisoka knew that his refusal to talk about his parents was a red flag to her, maybe to both of them. Still, everything close to the truth wasn't suitable for a table full of minors. Or a first meeting in general. He had never talked about it with anyone and he sure as hell wouldn't start doing it now.

“We just want to know what kind of person our son is living with,” Silva said.

“Oh for god's sake,” Zeno cut in. “Give the man a break, he's a guest, not a criminal. And Illumi can make his own decisions, he's not a baby.”

“Sometimes his decisions cost us a lot,” Silva said matter-of-factly. Uhm, what? Hisoka wasn't sure what this was about anymore. His potential interest in Illumi and vice versa, even though they had both clarified that there was nothing romantic going on? His choice of career path or financial situation? His background? The recent loss in commission on Illumi's side? He was clearly lacking the right context to fully understand. He shot Illumi a glance to maybe get a clue, but said man was just staring at his father, face gone blank again.

Out of nowhere, Kikyou was full-on weeping, and the sound ripped Hisoka's gaze from Illumi again. “You know what happened last time!”

Zeno seemed unfazed. “Scott was a fool and thankfully he left on his own. It wasn't Illumi's fault and you should stop treating everyone he brings home like they are somehow responsible for what happened or set out to repeat it.” Hisoka didn't need to wonder who Scott was, because despite never naming him, Illumi shifting uncomfortably next to him was all the answer he needed.

Kikyou was sobbing hysterically by now. Silva sat beside his wife with furrowed brows, like he was battling down a headache. Killua straight-up used the tumult to grab his plate and his skateboard and bolt – Hisoka didn't blame him, lucky bastard – as Milluki held fistfuls of napkins towards his mother in a desperate attempt to soothe her while Kalluto and Alluka were pointing and loudly complaining about Killua leaving, and how unfair it was that he always got to get up first without even asking. Illumi looked like he was about to bury his face in his hands. The entire scene was sheer and utter chaos.

And exactly how Hisoka had imagined the brunch would go.

… Well. At least they all seemed to agree that Illumi's ex was a piece of shit. And no one had threatened to shoot him yet or called anyone a slur. Silver linings...

Still, this was far from ideal. Because somehow he couldn't shake the feeling that Illumi’s parents thought he was going to be Scott 2.0, which really wasn't the most flattering comparison.

“Illumi worked so hard to become the man he is today! He only deserves the best!” Kikyou cried from behind a napkin. Hisoka silently agreed with her on that one, but decided to not comment anything further and instead sit this one out, but then she pointed in his general direction. “Better than him at least!”

...Excuse me?!

“What kind of man doesn't want to talk about his family?? If he has nothing to hide he shouldn't have a problem with it.”

Something inside of Hisoka snapped. Oh, she wanted to know about his past? His parents? She wanted to know what was wrong with him? It would only take one sentence to make her choke on her own words. He opened his mouth to say something full of anger and purely out of spite, to shut her up for good, but Illumi's hand found his leg under the table. His fingers were shaking. Their eyes met and Illumi's seemed to wordlessly plead with him to stay calm despite clearly being on the brink of an anxiety attack himself.

Hisoka stared at the other man for a long moment, and being confronted with the blank expression he knew all too well by now, it seemed like they were back in the living room of his condo on the previous evening, before everything had gone to shit. Hisoka paused.

Don't make the same mistake twice now.

He tried to see the whole situation through Illumi's eyes instead of his own. He thought of how quiet Illumi had been ever since they'd sat down at the table. How his parents seemed to simultaneously diminish and question his decisions at every turn while never asking about what he wanted, and holding him up as an unreachable example no one was good enough for. How many times had he been forced to bring someone home and expose them to this? How many times had he been criticised for his choice of acquaintances, friends, lovers while said people were present? How many of them had left him after it, deciding he wasn't worth the trouble?

How close had Hisoka just been to going down the same path, falling into the same trap the parents had set? Having a few biting words thrown his way wasn't the worst that could happen, he knew.

… No. He wouldn't let Illumi down like this.

He'd promised to try. 

It didn’t matter what the parents thought of him. Only what Illumi thought.

Hisoka took a deep breath and looked around. He waved one of the butlers close, asking them to top off Illumi's and his own glass with iced tea – lots of ice-cubes, thank you very much. He held the glass out to Illumi, who took it and held on with both hands. Hisoka did the same with his own, touching his knee to Illumi's under the table, and then looked at Kikyou again.

Okay, round two.

“Look, I understand you're worried,” he said. “because Illumi already told me what happened with his ex and how it affected all of you. I know I don't seem like the most trustworthy person, and I cannot change how you see me.” He paused and looked directly at Kikyou and Silva. “But I assure you, I deeply appreciate your son and I would never consciously do something to hurt him. He's probably one of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Illumi glance at him. Kikyou sniffed and nodded.

So far so good...

“We're simply sharing the condo, that's all. As friends. If you don’t trust me, trust him. I don't know how much more often we have to repeat it, but Illumi and I are not dating and we don't intend to.”

Kikyou dabbed at her eyes, her tears ending as sudden as they'd started. For a second, Hisoka thought they were in the clear, that maybe the conversation would turn around and find some level of normalcy again, but then she said, her voice biting, “And why not? Aren't you gay? Is Illumi not good enough for you?”

Hisoka gaped. He let out a shocked laugh.

What the actual fuck?

So after making it very clear how little she thought of him, and how unsuccessful he was compared to any of her own children, how little she trusted him, she now somehow seemed offended that he wasn't trying to date her son? After her son himself had repeatedly told everyone present that they were just room-mates?

What the hell is this woman's deal?

Finally, Illumi said something, “Neither of us is interested in dating anyone at the moment. That's all.”

“And I'm actually bisexual,” Hisoka pointed out, which made both of the parents look very uncomfortable. Good. He was done playing nice with them. Illumi gave him an intense stare, probably to make him shut up and not water down his previous point that really should've put an end to it all. Zeno, who didn't miss their silent exchange, snorted and waved one of the butlers close to top off his drink. He was maybe the only person at the table who wasn’t having a horrible time.

Kikyou already opened her mouth again, probably to give some wonderful and not at all prejudiced comment about bisexuals, but luckily grandpa Zoldyck interjected this time.

“Kids, why don't you show our guest the house?” he said. Both Kalluto and Alluka perked up. They all looked over at him. Zeno grinned at Illumi, as if to say I'll keep your parents busy in the meantime. Hisoka was really starting to like him.

Illumi nodded. “That's a good idea.”

Alluka didn't waste any time to grab Hisoka's hand and pull him to standing, while Kalluto once again immediately dashed ahead. Milluki decided to stay behind with the other adults and the food, while Illumi, Hisoka and the kids ventured inside the house. Hisoka actually found his knees a little weak. His stomach was upset, too. But he didn’t pay it any mind, his focus immediately zooming in on the man standing beside him.

“You good?” Hisoka asked quietly once they were out of earshot from the others.

Illumi gave him a curt nod. “I'm so sorry,” he said. He looked horrified. “They had no right to treat you this way, and I know I promised I’d help you but then I didn’t know how, and I'm sorry I didn't-...” Illumi was clearly blaming himself. But Hisoka wasn’t. He knew first-hand how hard these types of situations were, how every meal could easily become a minefield of questions and wrong answers only under parents like these. And how suddenly the bonds with people you trusted could end over it.

He gave a shrug and grinned to lighten the mood.

“Hey, I agreed to this. You tried to warn me, but you know how bad I am at following advice. And honestly?” Illumi looked up at him. “Not the worst I've seen. Not even by a long shot.” A barely visible smile appeared in the corner of Illumi's mouth and it was more than enough to calm Hisoka’s mind again. He couldn’t wait to get back to their own home and-

A teenage groan interrupted the moment. Killua lowered his phone, apparently having taken another picture. He took a sip of the soda can in his other hand. “Why don't you guys get a room?”

This time there was no hesitation. Illumi grabbed the phone with nearly inhuman speed – an ancient ability that was only ever granted to the oldest child of any family – and then held Killua in a headlock while he swiped along the device's screen. “Stop taking pictures without asking. You're being rude.”

“Says the guy choking me!!” Killua struggled in his grip. And then actually bit him, with like, zero hesitation. Illumi let him go and Killua somehow managed to not spill his drink as he fell back.

“Just look at them before you delete them!! No one's ever gonna buy your 'We're not dating' story, seriously!! Especially not Mom and Dad!”

“It's not a story. You know I don't lie to family.”

“Oh yeah? Then go ahead, take a look!! It's so obvious!” With varying degrees of hesitation, Hisoka, Illumi (and Alluka) all looked at the screen.

Oh.

Oh shit. 

The kid was right.

There was no denying it, those were some serious heart-eyes. How embarrassing. No wonder everyone assumed they were dating. Had they always been looking at each other like this? Illumi swiped and- oh, yep. The picture of them exchanging a glance earlier at the table was an even worse case. Fuck.

“You didn’t send these to anyone, did you?” Illumi interrogated Killua.

“No,” the smaller boy said and avoided meeting Illumi’s eyes. Illumi immediately spotted his lie.

“... To whom?”

“...just to Gon.”

“Delete them.”

“That won’t UNSEND them, do you not know how technology works??” While they continued bickering, Hisoka somehow ended up with the phone in his hands. He was still staring at the screen, taking in the picture. He felt like an idiot. When had he become that bad at hiding his feelings? This was bad.

A notification popped up on screen.

Gon, 11:57 a.m.: Doesn’t matter if they’re dating or not, your brother looks so happy with him!

Hisoka’s eyes widened as he took in the picture anew.

… Wait--

It wasn't just him.

It wasn't just Hisoka doing the heart-eyes.

Illumi was- …

Illumi was doing it too?

What?

WHAT?!

Hisoka stared at the screen, his heart in his throat.

Wait, but yesterday he said--

But now this, right in front of his nose, was undeniable--

Hisoka lifted his gaze from the device to the other man. Illumi had Killua in a headlock again and gave no indication of having gone through a similar revelation. He extended his hand to Hisoka, who gave him the phone, and then he simply deleted the pictures with a few taps before tossing it back towards Killua, finally letting him go. 

“Don't do this again or I'm never giving you a ride ever again.”

Killua rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah...” Then he looked at Hisoka, taking in his expression that probably screamed how unable to cope he was with the realisation that he had just had. “Hey, 'room-mate'.” Hisoka was mentally readying himself for another case of adolescent call-out, but then Killua's expression grew the tiniest bit more sincere and he said, “Don't take the stuff our parents said personally.”

Hisoka was very happy to switch the topic for now. “Are they usually like this when you have guests?”

“Every time.” That was Alluka. “Killu-nii doesn't bring his friends over because of this either. For some reason it always upsets Mom and she gets really mean. I don't really understand why.” Wait, so it wasn't just an issue with perceived partners or people that reminded her of Illumi's ex? Hisoka's brows furrowed.

“Because she's a nutcase,” Killua said dryly. Illumi slapped the back of his head. “Ow!! What? It's true and you know it!”

“She's trying to look out for us,” Illumi said, which promptly earned him a look from everyone.

“Are you serious?” Killua scoffed, “Why are you defending her?”

“I'm not. It's just her perspective. I'm not saying that it's right or excusing her behaviour. I don't agree with it,” he added, quieter, and briefly looked at Hisoka before focusing on his younger siblings again, “But she doesn't have any bad intentions.” Hisoka regarded him with a half-smile. The man's drive to see the best in everyone and everything was truly unshakable. ...and maybe a little worrying.

“Hey!” Kalluto was leaning over the railing of one of the staircases, an action that caused his tiny feet to lift off the ground. “What's taking you so long? I thought we were showing him the house.”

“Ah,” Illumi exclaimed, as if he'd truly forgotten.

Hisoka leaned in like a helpful secretary, grinning again. “And you still owe Kalluto-chan a race after that.” Kalluto beamed and nodded as soon as he heard his name mentioned, the littlest act of solidarity apparently completely winning him over at once.

“You're right,” Illumi said with a smile and Killua's following groan reminded Hisoka that they were probably doing the heart-eyes again. He didn't pay it any mind for now. He was too busy making Illumi smile.

“Let me guess: Wayyyy more than three bathrooms?” The callback actually made Illumi chuckle.

“Yes, way more.”

“We have nine!” Kalluto provided helpfully. Hisoka smirked, and their little group set out to explore.

-

Since the children insisted on showing every nook and cranny to Hisoka, the tour of the house took them several hours. They started at the bottom and slowly worked their way up. Every time Hisoka thought he couldn’t be surprised by the amount of luxury anymore, that it couldn’t possibly be topped again, they’d stumble across something new that he had never seen before, at least not in a private home. They had a game room in the basement that rivalled any arcade he’d ever been in, and then promptly lost a game of DDR against Killua. Before the Zoldyck prodigy could get a big head about it, Illumi challenged him to another round and won with ease - and my god, Hisoka hadn’t expected him to be able to move like that. It was more than a little sexy. Anyway– Another room held a small cinema with about fifteen seats, and further down the hall there was another pool, adding to the several ones Hisoka had already seen outside.

It also dawned on him that the Zoldycks were a pretty sportive family. He’d already spotted a tennis court and a basketball court while they had been seated for brunch in the garden, but the basement held a room for squash and another one for bowling. There was an entire gym with enough treadmills, weights and equipment for the entire family to work out at the same time. If all of that hadn’t been a dead giveaway already, Hisoka was also led past a huge display where countless trophies and medals were kept. Maybe not the entire family, but at least Illumi, Killua and Kalluto had won several prizes in competitions that ranged from swimming over tennis to track and field to… polo? Yep. Fucking polo.

But that wasn’t all. Art was also deemed equally important and deeply appreciated, it seemed. As they ventured through the ground floor, Hisoka became aware of the many beautiful statues and paintings that were displayed all throughout the house. Aside from the kitchen, some bathrooms, not one but two living rooms, and a few offices the children were apparently not supposed to enter without their father’s permission, there was also a music room with a grand piano and several other instruments - guitars, violins, an electrical drum kit, you name it. The walls and heavy doors were padded with sound absorbers.

“Do any of you actually play?” Hisoka wondered aloud. The four Zoldycks accompanying him all answered in the affirmative, and made sure to point out that Milluki played as well, followed by Kalluto and Alluka giving a perfect rendition of a four-hand piano piece to prove their point. Hisoka watched their small fingers dance across the keys and was genuinely impressed. He’d never had a chance to pick up an instrument on his own – lessons were expensive, as was renting an instrument – and it deeply fascinated him to be able to bring music to life like that. Once they’d finished, he gave them a round of applause, and then was surprised by their surprise upon receiving recognition for their amazing show of talent.

Clearly motivated by the praise, the little ones insisted to play some more pieces for him, and after Hisoka’s utterly fruitless attempts to get Illumi to play something as well – he claimed he had grown too rusty due to a lack of practise – they ventured on.

Trailing along with the group, Hisoka realised something. There was no way anyone could be this athletically, creatively and academically successful and also have an appropriate amount of free time to, y'know, experience one's childhood. Underneath all of the luxury and opportunities, these kids had first and foremost been raised to function. To achieve and deliver, like their entire sense of self hinged on that. Self-exploration seemed to only take place within highly regulated and clearly defined areas. Hisoka looked at Illumi's profile. Zeno's grin flashed in his mind.

You look like a troublemaker. I like it. This one needs a little bit of that.

Things were starting to make more and more sense... But Hisoka filed his findings away for now, as they had reached yet another room.

The house wasn’t just packed to the brim with opportunities to keep oneself busy, it also provided some quieter and more subdued areas. They passed a sunroom full of lush plants and meticulously crafted wreath furniture, as well as a well-equipped library that doubled as a reading room and workspace.

Onto the first floor they went. This was where the more private rooms were located. All of the children’s bedrooms were about the size of Hisoka’s previous condo. Alluka was the first one to proudly show off her room and it was every nerd’s dream. For starters, she had two closets, one for her everyday clothes, another one entirely dedicated to her costumes and wigs. Her cosplay props were mounted on the walls and she had her own tv and several gaming consoles. She also owned more makeup products than Hisoka which deeply shocked but also intrigued him. He would’ve killed to have access to these products when he was her age.

“Oh my, I need to step up my game, it seems,” he said with a fox-like smile, eyeing the various eyeshadow palettes of high-end brands she owned. Alluka was by his side at once.

“These are good, right? But I need more practice. My brothers won’t let me do their faces anymore.” She shot the trio standing in her room a disappointed glance and both Killua and Kalluto immediately avoided meeting her gaze.

“I let you do it once and I ended up looking like a clown,” Killua grumbled. Kalluto, who was suddenly very busy scanning his sister’s manga collection, nodded with a severe expression, evidently having undergone a similar experience. Alluka pouted. 

“I won’t get better if you don’t let me practise!” 

“You have a face of your own, you know!” Killua countered. Illumi opened his mouth but then seemed to realise that even if he’d make the offer to volunteer, he didn’t have enough time to let her practise on his face regularly, so he shut his mouth again.

Alluka looked up at Hisoka with an unmistakable plea sitting on the tip of her tongue. She knew he could not resist her huge eyes. Not that Hisoka was even trying to.

He chuckled and shrugged. “Maybe we could exchange some knowledge next time?”

She beamed. “Yes!!”

They moved on. Kalluto’s room made it very clear that he was obsessed with sports. And books. The entirety of one of his walls was covered in shelving. He was eleven and had apparently read more books than Hisoka had even glanced at in his twenty-two years of life. Not just fiction for children either. Kalluto was reading epic series like Lord of the Rings and several young adult series. One of his other walls held a stall bar. His pinkish eyes paid close attention to Hisoka’s reaction to it all, and only when he hummed appreciatively, Kalluto allowed himself to smile proudly, and sheepishly showed him his favourite books. Some of them had apparently belonged to his older siblings before.

Killua flat-out refused to show his room, and vanished behind his door after slamming it loudly into everyone’s faces. He was apparently done with following along the house tour. Not even Alluka calling him names and pushing herself - and Kalluto - against the door could change that. So they continued without him. Illumi reminded everyone that Milluki’s room was also off-limits as long as he didn’t give them permission to enter it, but Kalluto and Alluka still made sure to describe it in great detail to Hisoka, who didn’t have the heart to tell them that he wasn’t as disappointed as they made him out to be.

“It looks like a lair.” Whatever that was supposed to mean. “And he’s almost always on his computer,” Kalluto said, “He has a gajillion figures but he never plays with them. No one’s even allowed to touch them.”

“Because they’re collectibles, not toys, Kallu,” Illumi said.

Alluka chimed in again, “He likes anime and video games, too! Sometimes we watch and play together, but he’s too busy most of the time.” And, considering their age differences, Hisoka mused that finding an anime that was both appropriate and entertaining for all of them to watch was probably quite the challenge.

“He built our agency’s website, too,” Illumi provided. “And he's on our search team as well, pulling up new offers.” Hisoka raised his eyebrows. Even though the parents had put so much emphasis on Killua’s premature academic success, there was clearly more than one prodigy in this family. Hisoka failed to see why the spotlight was shone put on him in particular, and why there wasn't as much appreciation for Milluki and Illumi – who obviously put equal efforts into the family business – nor much space for the needs of Alluka and Kalluto – who were similarly impressive and successful in their own right.

Families are strange…

Some doors they didn't breach, and Hisoka didn't mind. He wasn’t keen on infiltrating the parent’s private rooms – he was only just beginning to digest the shock that had been brunch – so after skimming through the various luxurious bathrooms on this floor as well as another living room – this one had a billiards table, huge floor-to-ceiling windows and a fireplace – they finally came to something that greatly kindled Hisoka’s interest: Illumi’s childhood bedroom.

But his excitement was short-lived. After opening the door, all that he found was an amalgamation of neutral colours and bland furniture. No keepsakes, no pictures, no hint of personality. It looked fairly impersonal. Even kind of boring. He cocked his head, feeling-

“Disappointed?” Illumi stood beside him, a small, knowing smile on his lips. Hisoka looked back, aware that it was impossible to keep secrets from him. He shrugged and tried to play it cool nonetheless.

“It’s very different from what I’ve expected.” He took a few steps into the room. “Was it always like this?”

“No. They converted it into a guest room after I moved out.” Odd choice, as they seemed to have an entire guest house on the property. “But it didn’t look much like me beforehand either, so you didn’t miss out on anything.” Illumi followed Hisoka into the room. Hisoka thought about the statement for a moment, and then decided to keep the mood as light as possible for now.

“Where am I supposed to find your cute childhood pictures and dirty secrets then?” Illumi looked over at him, a playful glint in his eye. Hisoka had started to miss seeing it.

“If you wanted to see those, all you had to do is ask.” Ah, the usual. “The photos, I mean.” Mm, the rest I'm more than familiar with. Hisoka grinned.

“I can show you!” Alluka volunteered. “We have, like, a thousand albums.”

Kalluto looked dissatisfied and restless all of a sudden. “Illu-nii, you promised to race me.”

“Ah, of course. Let’s go.” While Alluka and Hisoka retreated to one of the living rooms with a few dusty family photo books, Illumi and Kalluto raced each other in the gardens. Kalluto was shockingly fast. But so was Illumi. Of course the littlest Zoldyck had no chance of winning, but he sure as hell seemed to enjoy trying, flourishing under the undivided attention of his oldest brother.

From where they were sitting, Hisoka could also see that Zeno, Kikyou and Silva were still seated at the table, which had been emptied by now, likely by the butlers. Milluki had apparently left at some point, and the atmosphere seemed calmer again. At least Kikyou wasn't hysterically sobbing anymore. Still, Hisoka didn't feel inclined to join them.

“I think this one is just Illu...” Alluka thought out loud, and placed a big album in Hisoka's lap. She didn’t waste any time to open it and the cutest, most round-faced baby was staring back at him with unmistakable dark eyes. Granted, dressed entirely in pink, with a little bow in his hair and a hand-written It’s a girl! captioning the picture. 

Alluka and Hisoka made a face at each other, probably thinking much the same, and Hisoka briefly wondered if Illumi was okay with him seeing these. He knew that many preferred to not show pre-transition pictures, but then again, Illumi hadn't voiced any protest. So he just hummed and enjoyed what he was allowed to see.

As he skimmed through the pages, he saw Illumi slowly grow up. Being held in his mother's arms, whose eyes were still crystal clear back then, carried on his father's shoulders, and openly laughing as his grandpa tossed him into the air, hands at the ready to catch him again safely. Toddler Illumi sleeping soundly in the black-purplish fur of a huge dog named Mike, chubby little fingers holding on to the pet. Illumi looking shy at kindergarten, hiding behind Kikyou's legs. Pictures of his first day of primary school, of him holding baby Milluki for the first time – who had already looked quite sceptical as a baby. Illumi showing off a seasonal dress and beautifully braided hair on Christmas, big eyes and huge smile as he unpacked a new toy, his mother perched behind him, helping his baby brother stand.

Many, many pictures of him playing with one and the same boy, who Alluka told him was Scott. Pictures of many colourful birthday parties that had everything from bouncy castles to ponies. Hisoka chuckled. The differences between their childhoods were staggering. Countless photos of Illumi winning sports and music competitions and academic contests of any imaginable kind – his young face showing deep concentration throughout all ages, no matter if he was on the tennis court or on stage to win the spelling bee.

There was a picture of twelve-year-old Illumi smiling with wonder in his eyes at a baby Killua, carefully touching the single white tuft of hair on his newly born head. Illumi with suddenly much shorter hair in middle school. Illumi switching from tightly-fit dresses and skirts to baggy athleisure, and looking more and more tired. Hisoka remembered him mentioning that it was around that time he had been diagnosed with anxiety. Another page, life went on, Illumi buried under a pile of toddlers, two black-haired, one white, then play-fighting his siblings in the next picture. The mandatory awkward middle school dance photo. Adolescent Illumi deciding that purple and green were his colours, his hair already growing past his shoulders again. High school trips, pictures of Illumi in museums and in front of monuments in faraway cities – maybe even another country, Hisoka wasn't sure – most likely taken by one of his friends, unless his parents had decided to be that type of guardian and come along as supervisors. After everything he'd seen and heard today, Hisoka wouldn't be surprised.

He moved on. As Illumi grew more independent, the angles of the pictures changed into something less staged. There were often selfies with his best friend turned boyfriend as they went on their own adventures.

Hisoka turned another page and saw Illumi and Scott at prom, sharing a kiss. They looked happy. Careless. Well. Scott looked like an asshole already, all chiselled and blonde and so very proper and posh, but Hisoka was a bit biassed, he knew. Fuck that guy. He tried to focus on Illumi's gorgeous dress instead, pretty sure it was Versace. Another page. Illumi's graduation, robe and hat and scroll and all that. 

His first day of university, his proud parents by his side – of course he'd gone to Yaleford. Pictures showing Illumi with his degree not soon after. Silva shaking hands with him in front of the Zoldyck Property Services and Real Estate main office – his son’s first day on the job. Scott was there too. … Had they worked together?

Another page, a picture capturing the perfect moment. A proposal. Wet eyes, big smiles, an impressively flashy ring on Illumi's finger. Snapshots of kissing lovers, the pictures a little shaky but too authentic to not keep them. 

A vacation with the entire family. Pictures of the newly-engaged couple sitting on the beach, Illumi's head on Scott's shoulder, fingers intertwined. And then, abruptly, nothing. A few blank pages followed, and then the album was over.

“Oh, that's it?”

Alluka shrugged. “Mom says the last few pages are meant for his wedding.” Okay, sure, Mama Zoldyck. Hisoka was positive there had been another, pretty important milestone that could've been documented and celebrated in the meantime, but the most recent pictures of Illumi in this album were... what, at least four years old? Did Illumi somehow stop to exist with the end of this relationship and the beginning of his transition? And to end the album on a note that had this fucking jerk present, it was no surprise that the entirely family wasn't able to move on. That just wouldn't do.

Well, another thing to add to the mental to-do-list.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a butler leading Kalluto inside, mentioning something about his training, and judging from the way he hugged and waved Illumi and then his mother goodbye, Hisoka figured that it took place away from home. Illumi came back to the house but stopped short next to his father, who was on his phone – a business call? – and then rose to his feet and brought his son to one of the offices they had passed during the tour through the house before. Which left Kikyou and Zeno sitting at the table. Hisoka chewed the inside of his cheek, pondering, something suddenly coming to mind. Something that was far too stupid and far too risky and yet one of the best opportunities of the entire day. He couldn’t pass this up.

“Wanna see mine next?” Alluka was already sifting through the mountain of albums.

“Yes, but let's save it for next time. I want to do something before we leave. Wish me luck~” Blinking big eyes up at him, Alluka watched as Hisoka made his way back to the table – Zeno raised his eyebrows – and sat down next to Kikyou. She'd heard him coming, he was sure, and now slightly cocked her head in his direction.

I must be out of my mind.

“I think we got off on the wrong foot,” Hisoka said with a smile. Finding the words was hard, but he tried. He'd promised to try. “And I'm sorry if I somehow caused any trouble.” Her mouth pinched, like she was about to spew venom at him again, but miraculously, she didn't interrupt him. Yet. Her pointy nails tapped the side of her glass. Hisoka knew he had to make this moment count before she lost her patience. “You have a lovely family. I admit it overwhelmed me a bit at first, because I, uh...” He cleared his throat and only quickly mumbled the next few words, “I never had that.”

She blinked now, her mouth opening slightly. For the first time she didn't regard him with open disdain. She still didn't interrupt him. “It's clear how much you love your children, how much you love Illumi, and how you want him safe and happy. He clearly loves you too.” A smile tugged at one corner of her mouth.

Okay, okay... good. Don't lose your nerves now.

He glanced at Zeno who had lifted his glass to his lips but didn't drink from it. No, he was staring at Hisoka, holding himself in the same awaiting manner as Kikyou.

Hisoka steeled himself and said, “We want the same thing, so... maybe you could help me help you? And him?” Hisoka believed in his plan wholeheartedly, but he'd been dead wrong before. Maybe she'd just claw his eyes out. For all he knew, she thought he was the worst person her son had ever come into contact with.

“Help me?” Kikyou asked. “How?” Okay, he still had his eyes. Carefully, he continued.

“I mean, you know how busy he is... and how far away he lives from here. I bet it doesn't help ease your worry much to not have him around.” They both knew Illumi wouldn't be able to visit as often as Kikyou wanted, no matter how much she lamented about it. “But… since I'm sharing the condo with him, I can help you check in on him. And you can help me keep him happy.”

Hisoka saw her think about it. She still had her doubts, he knew. But offering her an alliance seemed a lot more logical than trying to fight her.

Zeno smirked, all smug like his point had been proven, and finally took a sip of his drink. Silva and Illumi re-emerged from the house, and, upon seeing them, halted and gaped at the scene before them. Hisoka waved with a smile.

Suddenly Kikyou put a hand on his arm, which caused him to look over again. Silently, she held out a phone to him.

Hisoka stared at her with wide eyes. It... had worked.

It had worked??

He let out the biggest silent exhale, tension bleeding from his shoulders, and a relieved chuckle fell from his lips. He took the device and saved his number. “Thank you,” he said, and he meant it, handing the phone back to her.

She caught and squeezed his wrist. A silent warning. Don't hurt him. Don't betray my trust. Don't take this chance for granted. A reminder that she could still, at any point, claw out his eyes. Or worse. But today she wouldn't. She let go, finally accepting her phone, and Hisoka made his way back to Illumi.

His favourite real estate agent looked nothing short of stunned. As did his father.

Hisoka smiled as Silva's icy eyes regarded him with suspicion – and an inkling of respect. Troublemaker, Zeno had called him. Oh well. The Zoldycks would have to get used to it. He looked back at Illumi, probably giving him heart-eyes again. But he didn't care who took note of it.

Hisoka was only just getting started.

Chapter Text

It was already way past noon when they said their goodbyes at the estate. The Zoldycks were still waving after them long after Illumi had pulled the car door shut and manoeuvred the vehicle off the property. Hisoka was all smiles by now, snickering as he caught Alluka in the rear-view mirror gushing to her parents – she had actually hugged him before they left. Zeno stood nearby and grinned.

Come visit again soon, Kikyou had said. Not just to Illumi, no. To the both of them, with one of her hands on each of their arms. Judging by everyone's eyebrows flying towards their hairlines upon hearing that – Illumi's included – Hisoka thought it probably wasn't an everyday occurrence. He counted it as a small victory, in more than one way.

The gate closed behind them, marking their visit as over. Hisoka glanced over at Illumi.

“How do you feel?”

“I'm alright,” Illumi said, eyes on the road, “But I cannot deny that that was a lot to take in, even for me, and I've known my family my whole life. I cannot even imagine how it was for you.”

“Well, it was...” Hisoka exhaled with a chuckle. “Yeah, a lot, there's no sugar-coating that. But I'm still glad we came here.” Illumi briefly looked over at him.

“Are you really?”

Hisoka smiled. “Yes.” It had made him realise a lot of things in a very short amount of time, after all. Things he wasn't willing to push away anymore. It would take him a while to work through all of the revelations – and everything else that had happened – but he didn't regret it. It felt like a big step forward.

Illumi nodded. “I'm happy you think that way.” There was a small pause before he said, “Thank you. For keeping your promise, I mean.” Thank you for staying, was what he meant.

Hisoka hummed, voice a song, “You're welcome, Illu.” Thank you for keeping me.

Hisoka noticed Illumi's hands being a bit tense as they gripped the steering wheel. He reached over and hovered a hand over Illumi's leg, remembering how he said it helped him calm down. “Can I?” Illumi gave another nod and Hisoka lowered his palm to come to rest on the other man's thigh, squeezing slightly, thumbing along the fabric of his shorts. 

A moment of silence passed in which he didn't take his eyes off of Illumi, gauging the touch’s effect. The tension in his hands only lessened slightly. “Are you sure you're okay?”

“I... have some questions.”

“I figured. Go ahead.”

“What did you say to my mother? While father and I were inside, I mean.”

Hisoka grinned and shrugged, all bravado again. “Wouldn't you like to know.”

“Yes, I would. She never- …” Illumi cleared his throat, his tone far more severe than Hisoka had anticipated. Maybe now wasn't the time for teasing. “You're the first one in a while to stay until the end, and the first one who got invited to come again.”

Oh. So his suspicions had been right, then. The parents had scared everyone off that Illumi had tried to bring home since his breakup. “Does that bother you?”

“No! No. Absolutely not, that’s not what I meant. I'm very happy about it. Not that it would have mattered if they disapproved, you know I promised you that nothing will change what we have,” Hisoka smoothed his thumb along Illumi's skin and it helped his anxious rambling to calm down a bit. The other man took a levelling breath and continued, “I just find it... hard to understand, from my mothers' point of view. You must've said something significant.”

Hisoka decided not to torture his nervous darling anymore. “I didn't say much. I told her how evident it is that she loves you, and all of your siblings, and how you adore her in turn, and then offered some give and take, so to speak.” Illumi's eyebrows furrowed slightly, confusion and inability to connect the two points evident, but he didn't say anything, so Hisoka elaborated further, “I said that I would help her check in on you since visits probably won't be a regular thing with your busy schedule. In exchange I asked her to help me, um...” Hisoka looked straight ahead, only mumbling the next part, “Help me keep you happy.” What an embarrassing thing to say out loud. He probably needed another thousand years worth of practice to ever get comfortable with open talk.

Illumi's following silence didn't help ease his nerves. Then: “Why would you say that to her?” His tone indicated that he assumed Hisoka had just lied to placate Kikyou. A part of him wanted to be offended about that, but then again, after their misunderstanding the night before, he couldn't blame Illumi for assuming that. So he chuckled dryly. He could've played it down, gone straight back to joking, but Illumi deserved the truth after this horrible day of dancing around it, of having to carefully select and weigh every single word.

“Because it's honestly what I want to do... Not because I feel like I owe you or something, just because...” I like you. Maybe… more than that. I want to be good for you. The best you ever had. Hisoka shrugged, now looking out of the window, feeling shy. “I meant what I said at brunch. About appreciating you...” Your son is maybe one of the best people I ever had the pleasure of knowing. Yeah, wow, he had really said that out loud at a table full of strangers. “...and so on. If there's something I realised today then it's that I like seeing you happy, is all.”

Illumi didn't respond. But suddenly the car pulled over to the side of the road and came to a full stop. Hisoka heard him unbuckle his seat belt. His heart lunged up into his throat at the same time his stomach sank, and he looked over with alarmed eyes to what appeared to be the other man getting ready to get out of the car.

Oh fuck, did I make him angry?

Maybe his idea to team up with the overtly manipulative mother hadn't been the smartest move – even with Illumi being a mama's boy. Maybe he'd done a shit job explaining his intentions too. For all Illumi knew, Hisoka had just agreed to stalk him in his mother's stead and rat his – their – every move out to her. Shit, shit, shit--

“Illumi-”

Hisoka gave an undignified yelp as his seat suddenly reclined with the press of a single button. Illumi then proceeded to move out of his own seat, but not out of the car, no, instead over to the passenger's side and sat down on his lap. Hisoka forgot how to breathe. He looked up with wide eyes, his heart pounding heavily in an instant.

“Uhm- hi?” Illumi's arms boxed him in as he leaned over him, his ponytail falling over one of his shoulders, landing on Hisoka's chest.

“I'm sorry,” Illumi said, his eyes glinting in the way they always did in sessions before he absolutely ravished him, “I didn't mean to ambush you. Is this alright?” ...Okay, maybe he's not angry after all.

“Yes—yes, of course.” Hisoka breathed out, completely awestruck, but smiling nonetheless. Did Illumi always-proper-and-composed Zoldyck just literally pounce on him?? He couldn't take his gaze off the other man, but what was left of his common sense made him shift slightly. “...What if someone sees?”

“I don't care,” Illumi said, leaning in, taking Hisoka's face in his hands. “I just need to kiss you right now.” And he did, immediately, crushing their mouths together in the most all-consuming way Hisoka had ever experienced from him, stealing his breath away and wiping his mind blank with the sparks he sent throughout his entire body. As soon as he could get over the shock of that, Hisoka reciprocated in kind, pressing himself against the other man as best as he could from his current position. Whenever they tried to pull away from each other for a brief moment, it only took one second of locked eyes before they dove into another fevered kiss.

Illumi grabbed onto Hisoka's hair with one hand while the other was splayed on his chest, holding him down. A touch that said Stay right where you are until I’m done with you. Illumi bit his lower lip before tracing his tongue softly over the aching spot. Hisoka's whole body twitched with it. Illumi chuckled and his voice sent most of Hisoka's blood south.

“You can't imagine how hard it was to keep my hands off of you all day...”

Hisoka laughed breathlessly. “Are you kidding? I've been thinking about this since waking up.”

Illumi laughed, but it didn't make the hint of desire vanish from his eyes. If anything, it only increased it.

They kissed again, their tongues touching now, and Hisoka sighed out a moan. A taste he’d never tire of. He tried to keep as still as possible to reduce the friction, so he wouldn't get hard in the middle of the day and quite literally the middle of a residential district, but it wasn't so easily accomplished – because clearly his dom had other things in mind. And if anyone knew how to rile Hisoka up, it was him.

Illumi kissed down the side of his neck while moving his hand along his pec and Hisoka whined, all needy and desperate within only a handful of seconds, immediately thwarting his plans. His hips bucked up while his hands wandered through the air, coming close to Illumi's waist, his hips, his thighs but never ever truly making contact with anything. He hadn't received permission yet.

The cramped space was definitely working in Illumi’s favour – he had his sub on display for him, with nowhere for him to go, no matter how much he squirmed and whined. Even without shackles or ropes, he had him trapped. So he took his time as he opened the first few buttons of Hisoka’s shirt and kissed the exposed skin, like he wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon. After leaving a few deeply red marks square on his chest, he came up again, now fully grinding down against his hips. Growing undeniably hard, Hisoka swallowed another moan. As soon as the sound left his mouth, he was pulled into another kiss. His fingertips skimmed the edge of Illumi's shirt but then quickly fisted to keep from breaking the rules. He panted against the other man's lips.

“I- I want to touch you,” Hisoka said, his mouth kiss-bitten and red, and it made Illumi pause and look at him. There was surprise in his eyes – Hisoka was aware he had never so directly asked for anything before – but before his dom could even open his mouth to answer, there was a knock on the window on the driver's side. Hisoka jerked sharply while Illumi in contrast only let out a peeved little sigh, sat up slowly and resumed his place in the seat behind the wheel like he had all the time in the world. It took a moment for Hisoka to remember that the car had tinted windows, which was probably the reason for Illumi’s dignified reaction. Hisoka’s seat returned to its upright position and Illumi opened the window on his side, now face-to-face with a security guard.

“I'm sorry, Sir, but you can't park here. You're obstructing the gate.”

Illumi acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. “My apologies for the inconvenience, we'll be on our way right away,” he said in his politest voice and with a perfect smile. He somehow managed to look respectable and composed, despite lip gloss being smeared all over his mouth, along with makeup that clearly didn’t match his skin tone. Illumi buckled his seatbelt again.

The security guard's eyes flit over to Hisoka for a brief moment, who looked like a much bigger mess, all out of breath, with flushed cheeks and dishevelled hair, his shirt slightly open, hickeys littering his torso. He'd quickly crossed his legs to hide his boner but he was pretty sure it had already been spotted. Illumi leaned into the stranger's field of vision, the clear gesture of protectiveness and possessiveness making Hisoka blush even more. “Anything else I can help you with?” His dom’s voice had dropped a bit now, a clear command to back off woven into the lines between, making Hisoka's dick jump.

“Uh- No, Sir. Thank you for your cooperation,” the guard said, quickly straightening himself, and Illumi wished him a nice day before rolling up his window again and pulling off the curb, resuming their drive.

Awkward silence remained in the car's interior.

Illumi kept on driving like nothing had just happened, his demeanour completely neutral. Hisoka was staring at him, wide-eyed and in shock, before he somehow snapped out of it. He tried to fix his hair and ignore his semi hard-on as best as he could, but processing the fact that Illumi had just almost devoured him in broad daylight and then basically kept a stranger from looking at what was clearly his only made matters worse in the boner-department. Before he could think of anything smart or funny to say, his dom cut in with a small smile, “So. You want to touch me? That's new.” Hisoka wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

With a nervous chuckle falling from his lips, he said, “It's not new, I just... didn't have the guts to ask you sooner.” The adrenaline of today was making him say horribly stupid things, like his usual need to cover up what he craved as much as possible had just been wiped away. Or maybe coming face to face with a woman that, for the most part of the day, had wanted to rip out his throat had only slightly increased the threshold of what he deemed scary. Everything he'd experienced today had only solidified the awareness that he felt safe and understood with Illumi – so talking openly with him was easier than ever at the moment.

“Well... technically you didn't ask, still.” Oh, give me a break, you absolute sadist.

Hisoka looked over with accusing eyes. Well. Maybe they were more pleading than accusing. He opened his mouth and saw Illumi raise an eyebrow in anticipation, the expression almost smug in his own way. Hisoka's inner brat suddenly reported back for duty and made him purse his lips and close his mouth. Two can play at that game, mister. He turned away pointedly and smirked, all cheeky and stubborn.

“Take me home and I'll make sure to ask you properly.”

He startled and held on for dear life as Illumi suddenly floored the gas and dashed city-wards in a speed that definitely wasn’t even barely legal anymore.

-

Before the apartment door was even fully closed, Hisoka found himself pushed up against the nearest wall as Illumi kissed him again. One of his dom’s hands slid lower, opening the rest of his shirt and his belt with impressive speed, never breaking the kiss and ohhhh boy did it make Hisoka forget about all of the stress the day had so far flung their way.

It wasn't like Illumi was usually not enthusiastic about their intimate encounters, but seeing him act so completely unrestrained about it only cemented Hisoka's wish to ask for a green light to touch him, and more. He'd wanted something very specific for months – he wasn't sure his dom would agree, but he was still going to take his chances.

Well, speaking of which... “Mm—Illumi- How ammmh~--I supposed to--mhh--ask you, if you don't let me speak--ahh-!” Hisoka's forehead fell against the other man's shoulder as Illumi palmed him through his underwear. They both panted, crowded against the wall of the hallway. Illumi placed a much softer kiss on his neck.

“My apologies.” Not moving his hand, he said, “Go ahead, ask.”

Hisoka drew a shaky breath. “Can I please-”

“Properly. Look at me.” Oh, he was not letting him off easy today, huh? Hisoka lifted his head again and searched the black eyes before him. The disarming gaze pierced him, making his mouth fall open slightly. It took close to a full minute before the words finally made their way past his lips.

“...Do I have your permission to touch you?”

“You do.” No hesitation, as usual.

Illumi leaned in again, but Hisoka said, “Wait.”

The other man halted immediately, fully pulling back his hand and taking a step away, giving him space as he searched Hisoka’s face with questioning eyes. Then he waited, unmoving. Hisoka was floored by the amount of self-restraint and respect displayed – he hadn’t even used a safeword, and still, no questions asked. He was still breathing heavily, trying to not get too distracted by the other man's deep care for his comfort. He'd make sure to give him the same. “Where?”

“Pardon?”

“Where can I touch you?”

That made his dom blink and cock his head, seemingly having to contemplate. His eyes dropped to Hisoka's hands and then came up to lock eyes with him again. He meditated on it for another handful of seconds.

“Well... Where do you want to touch me?”

Normally Hisoka would have complained about Illumi playing unfairly, answering a question with a counter-question and all that, but he was far too intrigued by the possibilities the phrasing opened up. There hadn't been a straight-up list of “don't touch me there or there or there”.

Maybe Illumi was far more comfortable receiving touch than he'd originally thought.

...Maybe he was comfortable receiving touch from him, specifically.

The notion made Hisoka's heart jump.

“I...” He cleared his throat while his gaze traced along Illumi's features, down his neck and his chest and abdomen, and lower still. The arousal was burning low in his stomach, too much to overthink what he was about to say.

Finding the black irises before him again, he said, “If you're comfortable with it, I would love to go down on you and touch you everywhere on the way there.” God, I just want to eat you out and make you feel good.

Illumi's eyes widened a bit while the rest of his expression remained unchanged, and Hisoka stilled, completely in the dark about whether that was a good thing or not. Not everyone was comfortable with it, so he didn’t know if the prospect of receiving oral was something his dom liked or would refuse right off the bat. He saw him swallow heavily as his ears coloured a bit. Oh…?

There was a long pause, but Hisoka forced himself to stay quiet and wait. He didn't want to influence Illumi's decision in any way – but didn't miss the way his gaze lingered on his mouth.

The pinkness had spread all the way down to Illumi's cheeks when he said, “Let me take a shower first.” Oh?? He put a hand to Hisoka's chest and kissed him again, much softer than before. A small smile graced his lips as they parted. “Wait for me by the foot-end of the bed. You can put on your collar if you want to, you know where it is.” He swiftly took off his shoes and then vanished in the master bathroom, leaving a wordless Hisoka behind in the corridor.

That... sounded like a yes.

His brain had trouble processing the fact that Illumi had just agreed to his proposition, so much so that he promptly stumbled over his own feet while trying to take off his shoes as well.

Then he rushed to his own bathroom to freshen up as well before dutifully waiting – kneeling – at the assigned place, listening to the sound of the shower just a door away. 

I'll get to touch him... truly touch him. Fuck, what do I do?!

His heart was beating up to his throat, even though Illumi was not even in the room yet. Pushing the “I didn’t think I’d get this far”-thoughts from his mind, he shut his eyes and waited, letting his fantasies run wild instead. Calm down… you’re good at this, remember? He only opened them again as he heard the water being shut off. Not much later, his dom re-emerged from the adjacent room, and his hair was open now, brushed over one of his shoulders. He was wearing a bathrobe, and was still slightly flushed from the shower. Upon seeing Hisoka, he stopped short.

“You took off your makeup.”

It was half a question. Hisoka nodded, knowing his blush was now in full visibility of the other man, but he was surprised to find it didn't feel even remotely uncomfortable anymore. Not with him. He still couldn't help but joke about it.

“Well, someone kissed most of it away, and the rest was half melted-off anyway.” I know how much you like the freckles.

He held the collar out for Illumi to take. The other man came closer on bare feet, accepting the object from him, and then tipped Hisoka's face up. Sun was swallowed by void as they locked eyes, and Illumi gave a barely audible sigh, his hand gently tilting his sub's face, gaze wandering along the freckles. A small smile tugged on his lips as he traced soft fingertips along the natural constellations embedded in Hisoka's skin, his eyelids lowering minimally as he did. The moment of silent adoration stretched without ever dragging on – Hisoka held still and let the other man see him. Maybe, someday, he'd let him see all of him, if he wished to.

“Chin up.” Hisoka obeyed with his heart thumping like crazy. He was smiling like an idiot. Illumi fastened the collar around his neck, tested for enough breathing room – regardless of always choosing the same exact level of tightness – and clicked the lock shut in the back. He took him in again for a couple of seconds before saying, “You may touch me however you want today.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Hisoka paused for a moment. “Is there anything else I should know about? Preferences or no-gos we didn't discuss before?”

“I'm not a fan of penetration of any kind,” Illumi said calmly. Hisoka had already suspected as much – and in all honesty, he wouldn't even have tried that with the current nail length he was sporting. But luckily there was more, much more to sex than that, so the small restriction wouldn't dull their fun in any way. Plus, he'd long since noticed how much Illumi appreciated other things instead – it was hard to miss how much his dom loved grinding. “Aside from that, you’re free to do anything. I trust you.”

Hisoka's breath hitched with the last few words and he looked up again, seeing his dom smile knowingly. “Thank you, Sir,” he repeated softly. I won't take it for granted. He gently took Illumi's hand and turned it so his wrist was facing him, placing a gentle kiss to his dom's pulse.

Hisoka rose to his feet and stepped closer. Illumi wasn't shying away from his approach as he slowly extended his hands to hold his dom's face in them, utterly exalted, like he was permitted to touch a god. He was set on showing Illumi how much he worshipped the ground he walked on. Carefully, his fingers spread in the jet black hair – they were actually shaking a little bit from the excitement, which was... new – and then pulled the other man into a kiss. Taking the lead had never felt this thrilling before. Illumi agreeing to this, giving himself up like this, felt like a dream Hisoka never wanted to wake up from.

He was going to treasure every second of this.

Illumi put a hand to Hisoka's forearm but otherwise let him take the initiative. He tilted his face into the kiss, deepening it. Without breaking their contact, Hisoka pulled a bit on Illumi's hair, earning a soft sigh from trembling lips, and then brushed knuckles of his free hand down the side of the other man's neck. He pushed the bathrobe aside, exposing Illumi's toned shoulders and upper body. He usually only saw him fully naked during aftercare and had never dared to sensually or sexually touch him during that, so having him laid bare like this now, with the explicit permission to do whatever he wanted, had Hisoka considering every one of his moves very carefully. Aside from hair-pulling, he had no clue what his dom preferred. He'd have to experiment a bit.

His top priority was to bring Illumi pleasure, to make him feel so good he wouldn’t forget this for a while.

The tips of his sharp nails danced along the other man's shoulders with slight pressure, then down his collarbone and chest, and he was happy to see goosebumps spread in the wake of their path. Hisoka gently traced the top surgery scars – still enamoured with their pale pink contrasting the olive skin – and then rubbed his thumb over one of the nipples, gauging the reaction. Illumi shuddered in response and gave a silent exhale against Hisoka's mouth.

His dom's hands found the ring of his collar and pulled him closer before dropping to his waist and held him there. Good sign. After giving the hair another pull for good measure, Hisoka brought his second hand down as well, fingers carding through long strands of black as he did, and he repeated the motion on both sides of the other man's chest. As the nubs grew hard under the massage, Illumi slightly raised his shoulders and dropped his forehead against Hisoka's cheek. Every time he gently squeezed the nipples again, Illumi shivered. Hisoka felt his short, panting breaths against his neck, felt the warmth radiating off him.

I’m going to lose my mind.

Cradling Illumi's face with one hand again, Hisoka leaned in and kissed from his temple to his ear, then down the side of his neck, tentatively leaving a wet streak with the tip of his tongue there, causing another wave of goosebumps to rise. He hadn't expected the other man's body to be this responsive – it was a beautiful surprise that only spurred him on more.

“Am I allowed to mark you, Sir?”

Illumi shuddered again. He turned his head and kissed Hisoka's palm, voice a hushed murmur. “Anywhere but the neck, yes...”

“Thank you,” Hisoka whispered back. Drunk on the other man's proximity, he didn't waste any time to suck a bruise into the skin of his collarbone. Then another. And another, each one bigger and darker than the last. Illumi sighed and shivered every time, his slightly opened lips pressed against the pad of Hisoka’s thumb. Hisoka kissed the spots afterwards, almost apologetically, and nosed alongside his dom's neck, taking in the beloved heady scent that always lingered there, prevailing even over the minty fragrance of the shower gel.

Illumi wasn't very vocal about how it felt, but his reactions spoke volumes. He pulled his sub closer with a hand to his nape, until they were standing pressed flush against each other. The gesture did something to Hisoka, deep inside. As his nose traced along Illumi's jaw, his hands wandered to his back, and Hisoka embraced him in a way that seemed to still the world for a while. He closed his eyes, holding him close. Illumi hugged him back, melting against him.

Like two puzzle pieces slipping into place.

He never wanted to let go again.

He felt Illumi's pulse race alongside his own. It was funny how something as simple as a hug could feel so big, but it also made complete sense in that very moment.

They hadn't really shared this much intimate closeness outside from aftercare or bedtime before – Hisoka was consciously savouring every single part of it with all of his senses. It was quickly becoming addictive, and he wanted more. Which is why he found himself asking, “Can I undress you?”

I want to see all of you.

Black eyes blinked up at him, and Illumi breathed out a “Yes.” as he leaned in for another kiss. He led Hisoka's hands to the fabric belt that held the bathrobe on his hips in place, not only giving him permission, but explicitly inviting him. He then busied himself with taking off Hisoka's clothes in kind, until they were both bare, standing in a small heap of discarded fabric, all the while still kissing. They really couldn't stop.

Hisoka's heart was skipping beats by now. Illumi’s skin was soft and warm against his own. The entire situation made him feel shy in a way he couldn't really describe or understand – he'd touched countless people before, after all. But this, right here, he knew, was different. It was more important. It wasn't about him, about his stream, about performance, about his own release, all the things sex usually entailed, it was solely about the man standing in front of him and his enjoyment of it all.

Taking in the delightful naked form, he traced Illumi's feather-light happy-trail from his navel downwards with the tips of his fingers.

You're so unspeakably beautiful...

Hisoka sank to his knees as if in trance, and he heard Illumi inhale as he leaned in to place kisses on his abs, leaving marks wherever his lips touched. His hands worshipped Illumi's sides, all the way from his ribs over his waist and down to his hips. Familiar fingers found their way into his hair, encouraging him. Hisoka held Illumi's middle again as he kissed his way further down, gently leading him backwards against the edge of the bed.

Illumi sank back on the body pillow that rested at the foot-end of the mattress. Well, even if Hisoka had already become the human-form substitute for that object, they'd still get some good use out of it.

He looked up from where he was mouthing along Illumi's hip. His dom seemed similarly entranced watching him. “Lay down for me.” Upon hearing the words, Illumi immediately snapped out of it and raised a brow, a silent reminder that Hisoka was not topping or in any position to give orders, so he quickly rephrased, “I just want you to be comfortable, Sir.”

Now Illumi smiled a bit, looking almost amused, and leaned down to kiss Hisoka's forehead, one finger hooked in the ring of his collar again. His cheeks, shoulders and chest were beautifully flushed, love bites were littering his skin, but his voice was still composed and completely in dom-mode when he said “Make it worth my while, baby, or I'll take matters into my own hands and ride your face instead.”

Oh my fucking god-

As soon as he managed to un-drop his jaw, Hisoka nodded, maybe a little bit overenthusiastic on behalf of both prospects. “Yes, Sir. I promise to give you my best.”

“Good.” Illumi pulled Hisoka a bit closer by his collar and placed another kiss into the corner of his mouth before leaning back, laying down, pushing his long hair out of the way. Hisoka let out a shaky breath.

Illumi looked absolutely heavenly like this.

Despite having quite the trouble to keep his cool – he was pretty sure there was a constant blush on his cheeks by now – Hisoka slightly repositioned himself and helped the other man's legs onto his shoulders, tracing the outer thigh of one with his hand while caressing the inside with his lips. He savoured every inch of skin he was allowed to touch, all of it feeling new and exciting beyond comparison.

And despite making it quite clear that he was still in charge, Hisoka couldn't help but notice how sensitive Illumi's body was. The closer his lips ventured to where his dom's legs met his torso, the more the other man squirmed. Hisoka couldn't help but grin over it, like he was getting revenge for all the teasing in previous sessions. Feeling playful, he bit down on Illumi's leg, and that earned him a surprised mewl – but notably neither a stern warning nor a punishing slap, so he felt encouraged to move on. He marked the sublime body with more hickeys in increasingly more intimate places, leaving his dom countless souvenirs to remind him how desired he was. With one of them ending up so large and dark it almost bordered on purple in its colour, he even managed to pull a full-on whine out of Illumi. The sound made Hisoka shiver and his cock twitch.

His voice is going to kill me someday...

Continuing his ministrations downwards, he reached a spot of wet skin on Illumi's inner thigh. Breath hitching, Hisoka briefly halted and then immediately leaned in again, this time kissing the same area open-mouthed. He pressed his tongue flat to the wetness, and getting a first taste of his dom was a feeling unlike anything he'd experienced before, the sensation shooting throughout his entire body. He actually moaned.

Hisoka's mouth flooded with saliva and he turned his head, now burying his face between Illumi's legs for real, kissing along the slick wetness there with slightly parted lips.

Illumi inhaled sharply and pushed a hand into his locks again. Hisoka hummed low in his throat and, deliberately slow, made his way all the way up to the other man's clit, only gently kissing along it for now to ease him into the sensation and see his reaction. He blinked up to see Illumi's mouth fall open with it, his eyes closed, brows pinched in an expression of blissful arousal. Green light. Hisoka closed his eyes again, moving lower, and opened his mouth wider, introducing his tongue into the mix.

Now Illumi broke out in a sweat. He was still not very loud, but starting to move restlessly on the mattress, his levelled breathing having turned into panting. Another moan escaped him as his sub spread him with gentle fingers and, after a few languid licks along the velvety folds, nudged the tip of his tongue against his soaking wet hole, teasing but careful not to push inside. The action made Illumi wince, but upon looking up at him, Hisoka saw his beautifully flushed face and realised it hadn't been a plea to stop, no – quite the contrary. So he obliged, repeating the action. A groan ripped itself from his dom's throat, louder this time.

It didn't take long until Hisoka found Illumi grinding against his face, and he happily let him, trying to adjust his licking and his kisses to the rhythm the other man set. The fingers fisted in his hair, and Hisoka knew every pull was a sign he'd found another good spot.

That's it. Feel free to use me...

The wetness gradually increased, and the taste was making him lose his mind. His own cock was hard and leaking already, yet he didn't dare touch himself right now. Not only were his hands busy supporting Illumi's lower body, his mind was completely preoccupied with finding out which areas, which movements of his tongue made the other man crumble the most, made him whimper and grind harder, so eager for more.

Knowing that every body was different – what worked for one person could be a huge turn-off for the other – Hisoka kept a close eye on his dom's reactions throughout all of his ministrations. Gentle kissing was seemingly greatly appreciated, but anything that involved more pressure, and suction, made him arch his back and cry out. In those moments, Illumi frequently pushed himself against Hisoka's mouth, seeking to intensify the feeling. Hisoka massaged his thumbs along either side of the other man's spread arousal, and Illumi moaned, his voice slightly raspy, heels digging into his sub's back.

His thighs were holding Hisoka's head hostage between his legs – not that he'd wanted it any other way – and he could feel them tense and jump whenever he managed to do something his dom particularly enjoyed. He hummed, and the vibrations of his voice were carried all the way to his lips and tongue. It made the other man convulse as another wave of pleasure rocketed through him. Seeing and feeling him respond like this was beyond addicting. Hisoka made sure to hum and moan with every other exhale now, and Illumi grew more and more wet with it.

Instant gratification.

Judging from the reactions, Illumi enjoyed clitoral stimulation the most. Hisoka made sure to deliver on that, teasing the area around the nub with the tip and flat of his tongue, but still tried to not get stuck for too long just yet, knowing how quickly it could be overstimulating. He'd save the best for last. Illumi seemed to have no complaints either way.

His dom had his eyes shut, his head turned to the side, chin pressed against his own shoulder. His skin was shining with sweat and his beautiful lips hung open, similarly shimmering from the wetness. His hair was completely dishevelled, black strands sticking to his forehead and the moisture in the corner of his mouth.

The taste, the noises, watching Illumi fall apart while feeling every one of his reactions... Hisoka loved all of it. He could've done this forever. The entire lower half of his face was wet, even the tip of his nose because he kept moving around so much throughout Illumi's grinding, and yet he couldn't get enough. He found the soft, slick skin against his mouth too compelling to resist. After having spread the additional moisture with careful fingertips, massaging along the folds again as he did, his hands went back to caressing Illumi's outer thighs, up to his hips and his waist. He noticed his dom's movements slowly becoming more erratic.

Even in this state, Illumi still seemed to have enough consideration left to remember their rules. “Hhh—Hisoka--... I'm--!”

Yes Sir, leave it to me.

Hisoka moved up and pressed his tongue against his clit, making his dom cry out again. The thighs tensed around his neck as he continued, rhythmically lapping at the nub and as he felt Illumi tremble more and more, until Hisoka eventually allowed himself to suck it, pushing him over the edge for good.

Illumi seemed to stop breathing, his back arched and head thrown back, as the hand in Hisoka's hair kept him there throughout the pulses of his orgasm, wordlessly urging him to keep going as he came. Hisoka was more than happy to comply, watching with rapt attention as he made Illumi's breath hitch endlessly, not a single sound making it past his lips as he trembled through his orgasm.

Hisoka never wanted to forget any part of this.

All of a sudden, Illumi's body released the tension and he sank back to the mattress with a heavy sigh, sucking in deep, shaky breaths. His hand let go of Hisoka's hair while his legs fell open, one even slipped entirely from his shoulder. Hisoka went back to gentle kissing, relishing in the increased wetness still, but now stilled his mouth against the other man's skin, not wanting to withdraw the warmth of the contact all at once. He leaned his cheek against Illumi's inner thigh and watched him come down from his high. Only now he noticed he was a little out of breath as well.

After a long minute, Illumi swallowed, blinked his eyes open and then pushed himself up onto his lower arms, strands of hair falling loosely into his face. They exchanged a glance. Then his foot nudged Hisoka's shoulder.

“Hm?”

“Lay back...” Oh. Hisoka obeyed without question and moved to lay on his back, down on the carpet. If Illumi wanted to ride his face now, he wouldn't complain, even though he hadn't exactly expected him to go in for seconds right after coming. His dom slid from the bed, crawled over and then… promptly laid on top of him. He pillowed his head on his chest, snuggling close.

He just wanted to cuddle.

Dumbfounded, Hisoka blinked up at the ceiling and then burst out laughing over the bizarre decision.

“Oh yeah, this makes much more sense than for us both to get on the bed.” Illumi snorted and pinched his side but there wasn't much force behind it. It just made Hisoka's chest rumble with another chuckle. Noticing how hot the other man's cheeks still were, and feeling the remaining slight quiver in his thighs, Hisoka put his arms around Illumi and pulled him closer. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. We should do this more often.”

Hisoka laughed, more than a little proud of his achievement. “Anytime.” His grin spread wider. “All you need to do is ask~” Illumi immediately grabbed his dick and squeezed hard. Hisoka winced and bit back a moan.

Without lifting his head, Illumi said, “Look at you getting all cocky. You think making fun of me is a good idea while you're still hard?” He pushed a finger over Hisoka's tip as if to underline his point. Hisoka inhaled sharply and squirmed.

“No, Sir.” His dom didn't lift his finger. Black eyes blinked up at him. Hisoka became highly aware of the fact that he still had the other man's slick all over most of his face as Illumi's gaze lingered on his mouth.

“Do you want to cum?”

“Yes... please.”

Illumi let go of him and sat up, straddling his middle. Wiping away the wetness from Hisoka's lips and cheeks, and then offering his slicked fingers to his sub, he said, “I'll give you a choice.” Hisoka listened closely, not neglecting the task of licking the moisture off the fingers.

Illumi went on in a level voice while continuing to clean his face in that manner, “You can either touch yourself right now, ...” Hisoka shot him a needy look. Yes, yes, please give me permission. Illumi smirked darkly as if he'd heard his thoughts, leaned down and continued, voice almost a whisper as he withdrew his fingers, “or you can refrain from doing so, wait for a few hours and I promise to give you something much, much nicer in the end.” ...Oh?

Hisoka looked at his dom. Patience had never been one of his strengths – and “a few hours” could feel like eternity to a man with a hard-on – however, he knew if Illumi ever made him wait, it was for a good reason. He'd never set him up and not given him pay-off. And not only did he want to have something nice, he also wanted to show how well he could behave if Illumi wanted him to.

“What will it be, baby?”

Hisoka exhaled, hopelessly lost in the abyss of the other man's eyes, the mysterious glint in them pulling him in, drowning him in intrigue, and leaving only one correct answer. “...I'll wait, Sir.”

“Good.” Illumi sat up, “Then we'll pause the session here. Let's get cleaned up.” Illumi rose to his feet and offered Hisoka his hand, pulling him upright as well. After making sure it was okay, he took the collar off of his sub's neck.

They moved to the adjacent room and took a shower together. Illumi let Hisoka lather him in shower gel and returned the favour with gentle hands. Hisoka was touched by the gesture, and he would've been grateful for it, no doubt, if it hadn't been for the teeny tiny detail in the form of a raging boner screaming for attention and constantly keeping him distracted. 

After Illumi left the spacious glass cube, Hisoka stayed behind and turned the handle to cold to get his body to calm down. Not the most pleasant method, but since he wasn't allowed to touch himself he was running out of options. He forced himself to look away from Illumi's naked form that was littered in his marks – hot – and now perched on one of the stools, watching him – also very hot and distracting. He tried to think of something unsexy to turn himself off, but Illumi's orgasm face was still fresh in his mind and made any other thought impossible. Fuck. Even the cold water couldn't fix that. With semi-successful results, Hisoka emerged from the shower not much later.

“You haven't eaten much at brunch today,” Illumi commented as they towelled off. Of course he hadn't missed it.

“Neither have you.”

“Mm. I was too nervous.” Illumi put the towel on the rack, skimmed a playful finger along Hisoka's lower stomach and kissed his jaw while his face and voice remained completely neutral. “I'll order something for us. Come join me on the couch whenever you're ready.” He left the room. Hisoka looked after him – and his cute ass – and then back down at his boner, standing to full attention again from the simplest gesture and the nicest view, and he sighed.

Such a cruel man...

After getting a soft outfit from his own closet – a cute, skin tight crop top and loose-cut shorts – he joined Illumi on the couch. There was still an obvious tent in his pants, and the other man had the audacity of looking absolutely stunning. He was wearing an oversized shirt, the loose collar perfectly framing his collarbones – currently marked by yours truly – paired with expensive looking lounge pants. Judging by the perfectly matching colours, Hisoka was pretty sure it was a set. Probably pure cotton, too. He sat down next to Illumi, and was handed a chilled glass of berry tonic, the sweetness and bitterness of it a perfect mix on a hot day like this. After taking a sip, he rested the cold glass in his lap for reasons, hoping his body would eventually get the fucking hint and play nice.

“I've ordered sushi,” Illumi said, and then lifted the tablet into view. “Would you like to talk about the contract in the meantime?” Oh. Hisoka blinked. Oh. The thing Illumi was making him wait for was their first official session, wasn't it? He probably had something special planned to mark the occasion. Okay, great, Hisoka’s boner wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. But suddenly he wasn’t mad about it anymore.

With his eyes a little wider than before, and a grin quickly spreading on his lips, Hisoka nodded, all curiosity and elation, “Yes.” He pinched his eyebrows marginally, his features more apologetic now. “I promise not to freak out and run away this time.”

Illumi chuckled. “I hope so.” He leaned against Hisoka's shoulder, letting him read the contract as he went along. From the get-go, it had a very different vibe from their previous discussion. Brunch had brought them closer, in a weird way. Hisoka found himself relaxed and positively giddy. They were really about to do this, huh…? Commitment had always scared him. Deeply. But now he couldn’t wait.

In the contract, they were already at the part where the time spent out of session was discussed, of navigating their day-to-day. Illumi's scrolling stopped at a headline about reminders.

“This is meant to keep each of us in best condition for the other, physically and mentally. Do you want any help keeping track of certain things in your daily life? Eating, drinking, getting up, getting sleep, workout, medication?” Hisoka thought about it for a while.

“I don't struggle with any of those points but... My teacher recently told me I don't have the best time management. Maybe you could help me keep on top of my deadlines for uni.”

“Of course. I take it you keep a calendar on your phone?”

“Yes.”

“Share it with me and I'll help you out.”

“Thank you.” Hisoka pulled out his phone and did what he had to do, hearing Illumi's mobile ping as he received access via e-mail, and then went through his notifications, one catching his eye.

[Unknown], 04:33 p.m.: Did you make it home alright? Remind Illumi to drink enough. -KZ

He smirked. “Your mom texted me.”

“Ah. Don't tell her we're hungry so soon again after brunch. She might take offence in us not eating much.”

“I won't, don't worry.” Hisoka typed out an answer as he leaned his head onto the other man's, pillowing his cheek in soft hair.

Hisoka, 05:05 p.m. Yes, we did, thank you! I'll make sure to remind him to stay hydrated. I hope you have a pleasant evening too.

He put his phone away and looked at the other man. “So,” he smirked, “Is there anything you want help with? Mama Zoldyck tells me you don't drink enough.”

Illumi gave a half-smile. “Well, I must confess that's true. I could definitely drink more water, especially when I'm out.” He looked at the ceiling, contemplating. “And beyond that... I have trouble staying in bed for long, resting enough, even when my schedule isn't as full as it currently is. Before I got to know you, I'd just go out for a run or work out whenever I couldn't fall asleep or woke up before my alarm.” Well, that explained his incredibly toned body. Illumi's smile grew a little softer. “Recently though, with you around, it's become a little easier to sleep in, so to speak.”

Hisoka blinked wide eyes at the other man, stunned into silence. Did he just imply I help him rest? The thought of insomnia-riddled Illumi waking up in the middle of the night, seeing Hisoka next to him, and just trying to go back to sleep because he thought it was the nicest option-- He cleared his throat and took the tablet, realising now was maybe not the time to question his role as emotional support sub. “So... what does that mean, reminder-wise?”

“Reminders to drink and rest would be appreciated.” Hisoka took his phone and set a recurring alarm – every three hours from nine a.m. to p.m. – to tell Illumi to drink something.

“What about your medication?”

“I have reminders for those on my phone and my watch.”

“Good. Do you have a self-care-routine?” Illumi looked at him blankly. Hisoka made a gesture with his hand in the air, elaborating, “Like, rituals to help you unwind after a long day, aside from smoking and your meds?”

“Our sessions usually help me in that regard.”

Hisoka smirked, forcing himself to keep calm over the repeated reminder that spending time with him actually relaxed Illumi in one way or another, “I know, Illu, but we're talking explicitly about time spent out of sessions right now, aren't we?”

“You're right.” Illumi thought about it again. He sighed. “My therapist pointed this out to me before as well. I'm not that used to doing things just for myself. It’s hard for me to see the point.” After everything he had seen and heard today, Hisoka wasn't surprised to learn that. If you spent an entire life just functioning for others, with no room to think about what you liked and wanted, simply existing, without having to simultaneously provide or fulfil a purpose, became an alien concept sooner or later. Before he could sink deeper into these sobering thoughts, the other man suddenly took up the word again. “I really like cuddling after long days. Does that count?” Well, he’s trying, Hisoka thought with a smile.

“I think it does.” He added it to the contract, “But in my opinion it's also important that you have something to do on your own, just for yourself.” Illumi seemed clueless again and it was odd to see him like this. He didn't seem embarrassed about it at least, something Hisoka was very glad for. He didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but he deemed it quite important that Illumi put some thought into taking care of himself, not just everyone around him, Hisoka included.

The other man regarded him when he couldn’t come up with anything. “What do you usually do?”

“Let’s see… My full skin-care-routine, and maybe a little bit extra, like a fresh coat of nail polish while I rewatch some of my favourite movies or series. Get a massage somewhere... and do some retail therapy while I'm out. Make my favourite food. Doll myself up just to take some pretty pictures for myself...” Seeing the other man perk up as soon as secret, previously unseen pictures were mentioned made him grin. “And… sometimes I just jerk off.” He shrugged. “Gets the trick done.”

Illumi mulled it over for a while, searching for something that brought him similar joy. “So... if I just grab a book and take a long bath or have a nice cup of tea that would suffice, do you think?”

Hisoka chuckled, “As long as you like these things, yes. That would suffice for sure.” You silly little posh man. Illumi hummed, happy with his findings for now, and added them to the document.

“Oh, one last thing. Punishment is not applicable if the self-care outside of sessions is neglected. If one of us notices the other not keeping up with the rules, there will be a simple reminder, and the goal will be to fix what we've missed instead of punishing the mistake.”

“So if you forget to drink something, I will just remind you and you'll get something asap?”

“Precisely.”

“Gotcha.”

Illumi made sure to write down everything they had agreed on and then continued on to the point about communication out of sessions. “Are you still comfortable with daily texting?”

“Of course.”

“Oh, good. I would love to increase the frequency a bit more if that's alright.” That came unexpectedly, given how long Illumi usually took to reply, and the overthinking it had caused in Hisoka just a few days ago. He looked over with raised eyebrows, and the other man took it as a sign to go on. “I really enjoy receiving updates from you when I cannot be with you. How you are, how you've slept, what you're wearing, what you're currently working on creatively, anything.”

Illumi's heartfelt monologues always came out of nowhere, and they always caught Hisoka completely off-guard. The concept of double-texting looked a lot less pathetic all of a sudden.

Yet his mind wouldn't shut up, flinging the usual insecurities at him. Before they could get too loud, Hisoka decided to silence their doubts by simply... asking for clarification. What a wild concept. “Why are these things so important to you? Outside of the sessions, I mean.”

Illumi looked confused, but then immediately said, “Because you are.” Hisoka's lips parted slightly, his stomach fluttering, and it only took a second to infect his chest with the feeling as well. “I told you I take my contracts very seriously. Our arrangement should go beyond just sexual pleasure and financial provision. I want to make sure you're fully content and don't lack anything.” Hisoka was once again at a loss for words. Illumi concluded his remarks on a single, simple point, “Plus... I want to get to know you. Today at brunch I realised I don't know nearly as much about you as I'd like to and I want to change that.”

Hisoka wanted to make a joke out of habit, push the care of the other man away again because his deeply-rooted fear of eventual rejection commanded him to, but something new pushed through, fuelled by the trust he'd received from the other man. It was the very thing he wanted to give to him as well, no matter how scary it felt at the moment, so all that made it past his lips was a low, “Likewise.”

Illumi smiled a bit, and knuckles found his cheek, brushing along blush and freckles alike. “Good.” He put his head back on Hisoka's shoulder and typed. “Should we determine fixed times where we can just ask each other questions or do you think-”

“Let's just let it come to us naturally.” They weren't in any kind of rush.

“Of course.” Illumi typed, and Hisoka was baffled by the fact how succinctly he managed to bring their conversations and agreements onto the digital paper. He had a way with words, huh? If Hisoka had been in charge of that thing it would have ended up as an indiscernible clusterfuck.

They moved on to financials. But since they had started off on that note before ever bringing things like the contract on the table, even before ever meeting each other, nothing had to be adjusted there. Illumi still insisted on paying for everything, inviting Hisoka to voice his material wishes at any point or just leave receipts for him to pay if he made his own purchases, and made sure to receive a green light from him in terms of more frequent presents as well. He seemed particularly excited on that last part.

The rest of the contract flew by. They even had to omit some points because they just weren't applicable for either of them. Finally, the lines for their signatures became visible on screen.

Illumi smiled. “Here we are. Do you have anything you'd like to add or change?” Hisoka's thoughts flew all the way back to their limits, the offending hard no to romance vivid in his mind, but even with the recent realisation about Illumi giving him heart eyes, it still stood in contrast to what he had told him the night before on the balcony. He wasn't ready to date yet, that much he'd made clear. So Hisoka didn’t see any point in rushing to change that now. The day had been exciting enough as it was. Deciding to address this at a later point before changing his own limit officially, he shook his head. “I think it's perfect the way it is now. If I want anything adjusted I'll let you know.”

Illumi hummed. “Good. I'll print it out.” He stood up and vanished in his office. The doorbell rang, and Hisoka shouted “I'll get it,” and picked up the ordered sushi, making sure to tip the delivery person. Only as he closed the door again he realised he'd just let a complete stranger see his freckles – the anticipation over the contract happening completely occupying his mind.

As he put down the sushi boxes on the kitchen island, Illumi returned and set two stacks of paper down on the living room table – well, that was an understatement, because their contract wasn't just a bunch of plain pages. Both copies lay in leather-bound folders. He does take his contracts seriously. Hisoka joined his dom back on the couch with a giddy smirk. He took a deep breath.

“Excited?” Illumi questioned with a smile.

“It's that obvious, huh?”

A low chuckle from the other man. “Yes. But if it's any consolation: Me too.” It was more than just a little consolation. Illumi lifted an expensive looking fountain pen and signed both documents in his perfectly practised signature. He then offered it to Hisoka, who stared at the contract for a little while longer.

This was it. A promise to keep him around, a promise for a life he'd always dreamed off, and possibly much more. Something that reassured him that he'd belong to Illumi, exclusively. He thought back to their first meeting, their first session, Illumi telling him from the get-go that he'd love to have him as his official sub. Originally Hisoka had imagined himself as Illumi's pretty little trophy, his perfect sugar-baby and sub, his persona always on display and never slipping. But this... this was much more, wasn't it? It went deeper than what the words had suggested. Because here, now, without his makeup, without a show, Illumi Zoldyck still sat next to him and offered him all of it just the same. He wanted all of him.

Maybe it had always been there, in every interaction with Illumi. Hints Hisoka hadn’t understood, pieces that now painted a picture of complete and utter acceptance of him, every shade of him.

In the bathroom of his tiny apartment after their first session when Illumi first unmasked him, bringing something to light he hadn't shown anyone for longer than he could remember.

Oh. You have freckles.

Maybe, if it's not too much to ask, only show them to me.

And then again, when he'd doubted he would ever be enough, so stuck in what the world had led him to believe about himself.

You're more than your cam show or your looks, Hisoka.

In Illumi's arms, with fresh marks on his body, confessing what he thought would forever paint him as a clingy, pathetic person, only to have it reciprocated with so much undeniable relief, summarised in four simple words.

I missed you, too.

Even without knowing all the details, the other man would hold on to him when he didn't make sense, when he withdrew, when he threw tantrums, when he became difficult. So much patience.

I don't want you to leave. That's the last thing I want.

How Illumi constantly opened himself up, never expecting Hisoka to do the same, but enabling him to do just that by simply being honest.

I'm so happy you're exclusively mine.

And just now...

Because you are important.

Illumi would bring him to the surface, would strip him bare, would make him vulnerable, break him apart only to put him back together... and Hisoka was ready to let him do all of it. He was still afraid of it all, knowing the voices embedded deeply in his mind would do their best to keep him locked away behind his walls forever. Guess I’ll just have to do it scared, then.

Hisoka took the pen. He pulled the folders close and left his own signature on the correspondent lines.

And just like that, with the ink slightly changing colour as it dried, they became contracted. He looked over to Illumi, his black eyes similarly focusing on their names sitting on the paper, but then immediately flitting over to lock with his.

“It's official,” Hisoka said, the vortex of thoughts in his mind once again making it hard for his voice to come out at all, but he still had to let Illumi know what he deserved to hear, what needed to be said, “I'm all yours.”

Illumi inhaled visibly, otherwise motionless, taking Hisoka in from head to toe just like he'd done when they'd first met. He reached out and brushed red curls from Hisoka's face before holding it in his hands.

“I promise I will treasure you.” You already do, Hisoka thought. And then he stopped thinking, because Illumi was kissing him again.

The ordered sushi still sat untouched on the counter by the time they'd made it back to Illumi's bedroom, and somehow Hisoka had already lost all of his clothes on the way there.

“Are you ready to continue the earlier session?”

“Yes.” He was more than ready for his reward. Illumi collared him again, wiping even the tiniest bit of insecurity from his mind, and asked him to kneel, facing away from the bed. Hisoka did. He heard Illumi lift the foot-end of the bed behind him – excited that the stash of fun would get some good use today – and soon, three dildos were placed in front of him. Unsurprisingly, they were high-quality, maybe the highest quality Hisoka had ever seen from any kind of toy, airbrushed to look just like the real deal. The heads were that sort of sinful flush of rose that always made Hisoka's mouth water, and along their shafts, touches of pale blue underlined the artificial veins. Hisoka usually went for more flashy colours when choosing toys for himself, but he could appreciate the craftsmanship. Aside from all of them looking extremely realistic and sharing the same colour, they were different lengths and shapes. So far it was nothing out of the ordinary or particularly exciting, but he knew better than to doubt or question Illumi. Hisoka looked up at his dom.

“You've been exceptionally well-behaved today, so you can choose whichever one you like best,” Illumi said.

“Thank you, Sir.” He left Hisoka to choose and made his way back behind him, to the bed, probably watching him. He heard a slight shifting of fabric, but didn't pay it any mind. He'd been given a task, after all. Hisoka brushed curious fingers along the material, finding that – holy shit – the texture almost felt like real skin. He gave the tips a squeeze and groped along the lengths. Flexible, just the right amount of squishy on top and sturdy below, but not as rigid as more cheaper toys usually were. This was A-grade stuff. After pondering for a while, he selected the middle one with the slight upwards curve of its shaft. The shape promised to be the most fun.

“This one, please.”

“Alright. You can turn around now and bring it to me.” Hisoka took the toy and dutifully turned around to find Illumi sitting on the edge of the bed, completely bare, holding a strap-on harness. The toy fell out of Hisoka's hand. “You dropped something,” Illumi provided matter-of-factly. “Come now, bring it here.”

Hisoka just stuttered out some half-words, coming to the conclusion that trying to understand anything about the last twenty-four hours would probably break his brain for good, so he tried to catch himself, picked up the toy again and crawled over to Illumi, handing it to him. His dom slipped it into place in the gear, secured it, and then stood up, slipping his feet inside the harness to ultimately bring the entire line-up to rest on his pelvis. The natural design of the dildo now made perfect sense: It matched Illumi's skin tone to a tee. Hisoka couldn't take his eyes off the thing.

This is something to be earned, not requested, Illumi had told him in their first session. He finally understood. Illumi likely only did this with his contracted subs. Only they were allowed to have all of him. And now, Hisoka was allowed, too. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth between his teeth, subconsciously wetting it with his tongue before he let it go again, swallowing.

“Do you remember your safeword, verbal and non-verbal?” Hisoka looked up at the man looming above him and nodded. “Good.”

Illumi regarded him, drank in his expressions like he always did. “Why don't you start us off with your mouth, baby?” Hisoka took a shivering inhale, only now becoming aware of the fact that he hadn't said anything in over a minute. Somehow he'd long since ruled out ever giving Illumi a blowjob, seeing how the strap-on had never ever been a topic of discussion before, but now that the option was on the table, he was more than a little enthusiastic to comply. Today was starting to feel a whole lot like his personal kinky Christmas. “Can I use my hands, too?”

“Yes, up to here.” Illumi tapped his hips, and Hisoka nodded and said, “Thank you, Sir.”

Not wanting to waste any more time, he shifted on his knees – that already promised to be sore tomorrow – and leaned in, placing a soft kiss to the tip. His eyes fell half-shut with the first few kisses, and then completely with the following. Holy shit. He couldn’t believe how close the toy felt to actual skin against his lips. Hisoka kissed his way along one side of the shaft, down to the base, brushing his fingertips along the other. On his way back to the head, he opened his lips, letting them glide along the velvety material as his hand closed around the base. It was warming up quite nicely and quickly to his touch. His other hand found Illumi's hip. Oh, this was going to be good.

Circling his tongue around a few times, he took the tip into his mouth with a sigh, letting the saliva that had accumulated by now do the trick of quickly turning the toy into something nice and shining and wet. Humming low in the back of his throat, he moved his hand to help spread the wetness more while taking the toy further into his mouth, pressing his tongue flat against the underside as he worked it inch by inch. It didn’t take him too long until he could start bobbing his head.

Tender fingers brushed over his slightly furrowed eyebrows and Hisoka blinked up at the other man. Illumi had his head slightly cocked to the side, the hint of a smile on his lips. “Don't you look nice... Do you mind me going deeper?” Hisoka eyes widened and choked back a moan, feeling the blood rush to his face. He pushed himself more onto the toy, keeping eye contact, hoping to signal an unmistakable, eager yes to his dom.

Illumi's hand moved upwards to grab his hair – he loved ruining it, didn't he – and kept his sub where he was as he tentatively rolled his hips forward, carefully at first. Hisoka was half-hard within a second. Illumi did it again, with a little more fervour this time. Hisoka did his best to accommodate the cock in his mouth, keeping his jaw slack, his eyes falling shut again as he allowed himself to get lost in the feeling. So good. He whined as the toy pushed deeper and deeper as Illumi started to set a rhythm. Wetness dripped off of his chin, onto his spread thighs.

His hands came to rest against his dom's firm ass, encouraging him to use him to his own liking. Illumi pulled him back a bit and made him lift his face. “Tip your head back for me.” Not even bothering to close his mouth, Hisoka obeyed, fully compliant. Adjusting the angle of the toy with his hands, Illumi stepped closer again, brushing the tip along Hisoka's wet lips for a few moments before shoving it back inside, now pushing into his sub's throat without any difficulty.

Hisoka swallowed him down with a needy groan. His fingers started to shake as the squishy tip hit the back of his throat again and again. The moans he gave now were nothing short of lewd and oftentimes bordered on gagging, but he didn't want the other man to stop, even as his eyes watered. Their gazes locked and suddenly Illumi pushed deep, almost to the hilt, making Hisoka choke and squeeze his eyes shut. He trembled but didn't move away. Illumi moved one of his fingers to brush along Hisoka's hollowed cheeks – feeling the way the toy shifted inside – and Hisoka thought he felt his hips stutter.

Illumi cursed under his breath and pulled back a bit, giving his sub one second to breathe, then continued rolling his hips with most of the toy still inside. Hisoka whined against it, the wet squelches almost drowning out his voice. It was all so deliciously filthy, being used and dominated like this – he loved every second of it. As the other man kept face-fucking him, he did his best to breathe through his nose despite his weeping cock making it hard to stay still at all. One particularly deep thrust brought him close to gagging again, and he looked up through wet lashes, finally moving his hand to squeeze Illumi's palm, giving him a yellow light.

His dom pulled out of his mouth immediately, the toy now springing back to its previous angle, whipping strings of saliva from Hisoka's reddened lips right across his face, luckily missing his eyes. He coughed slightly, panting as he regained his breath.

“Oh,” Illumi said, and quickly brushed the wetness from Hisok’s face in his usual, caring manner, treating it in the same vein as if he’d just cum on him. “That was unexpected. My apologies. Are you okay?” Hisoka chuckled and looked up. Heart-eyes.

“I am,” he said, his voice sounding a little rough.

Illumi brushed a thumb along his spit-slick bottom lip and lifted his chin a little, his voice growing softer. “You did so well just now.”

Hisoka smiled breathlessly, kissing Illumi's fingertips. “Thank you, Sir.”

“Green to move on?”

“Green,” Hisoka confirmed.

“Good. Get on the bed, on your back. Right on the edge, please.”

Missionary. It was hard to believe for Hisoka to find himself unspeakably excited for a position he had always deemed as one of the most boring sex had to offer. And unnecessarily intimate on top. But this wasn't boring. Nor was the intimacy something that annoyed him anymore. It was never boring when he was with Illumi, was it? There was no set path with him, never a routine, only the deep trust in Hisoka's core that he'd make him feel unspeakably good without fail. So he got into position, finding himself in the exact same spot Illumi had been just a few hours prior.

“Lift your hips a bit for me.” Hisoka did as he was told and Illumi put the body pillow under his ass. “Comfortable?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Arms up.” Hisoka raised his hands over his head and watched as Illumi fastened his wrists in restraints that were attached on a long rope, fixated on the headboard of the bed. Hisoka refocused his gaze to the man leaning above him, whose expression was all severity as he tested the tightness of the restraints. “You will tell me immediately if your fingers or hands start to tingle or feel numb, do you understand?”

“Of course.” Hisoka pulled on them to see how much room to move he had – not much, as expected. Excitement bubbled low in his stomach. Illumi lubed up his fingers.

“Bend your legs for me.” Hisoka did, pulling them towards his torso and Illumi's free hand found purchase underneath his knees, helping him bend them a bit further. He leaned in to kiss his knee-cap, blinking his black eyes up to Hisoka's slightly flushed face. “So well-behaved today...”

Anything for you.

Illumi's slick fingers found their way down between Hisoka's legs, massaging over his entrance, making him tremble and squirm. Despite Hisoka's body immediately accommodating him as he pushed the first digit inside, Illumi took his time, like he wanted to pull every possible reaction out of him. Every time Hisoka tried to push himself more onto the single finger, Illumi halted, sometimes even pulling it back out completely. Hisoka whined.

“You should know by now it doesn't work like that.” I want you to beg for me. “Speak up.”

“Please... please, I need more...” Illumi pushed the finger inside again, curling it a bit but not increasing the pace. Hisoka groaned in response. It wasn’t enough. “Illumi-...”

“Tell me exactly what you want, Hisoka.”

Shame was tinting his cheeks, but he didn't even think about refusing. “You-... your fingers,” he started. Right away, Illumi added a second one, making Hisoka moan and tense for a moment, reflexively pulling on the restraints, but all throughout it, to the steady rhythm of the digits moving in and out of his body, the words kept bubbling out, “Mhh—more of your voice, ahh-! Please-... Your—your words, your commands--”

“Go on. What else?”

“Fuck--”

His dom angled his wrist, the tentative movements now gradually turning into well-placed thrusts, knowing all the spots that made him cry out and squirm by heart. Hisoka's eyes fell shut and he bit back a moan as Illumi spread his fingers, going in up to the knuckles, and then deliberately brushed the pads along his sub’s prostate, making his dick jump and dribble onto himself. 

“I told you to go on.” 

Hisoka couldn't have stopped talking even if he wanted to, his inhibitions being washed away with the sweat accumulating on his skin. 

“I–I want you inside, I need all of you, please, please—hold me down, use me, hahhh—fuck me,” he choked out, sounding frantic and reckless. A third finger pushed inside, and Hisoka threw his head to the side with it, crying out.

“I will,” Illumi promised, a hint of colour to his cheeks. “Thank you for telling me.” Hisoka was relishing in the feeling of being stretched, feeling wet and hot as Illumi prepared him. Pleas and moans kept falling from his lips, continuing to beg for his dom with a heaving chest. At last, Illumi withdrew his fingers. He bent both of Hisoka's knees a bit further, exposing his twitching hole, only for him to see. Hisoka felt like a slut in the best sense of the word. Being Illumi’s slut was a badge of honour in his book. He wished the other man would spit on him again but was too transfixed by the way his dom looked at him to speak up.

Guiding his legs further apart, Illumi scooted in between them, Hisoka's thighs resting against his sides, ankles crossed behind his back. Strap-on against his leaking cock.

“Life is funny, isn't it?” Illumi said, closing his hands around the both of them, bending down to kiss the corner of Hisoka's mouth. “When I started watching you, I never thought I would have you for myself like this someday.”

“Me neither-...but you do--ah-” Hisoka's words were cut short by a moan when Illumi gave a stroke, swirling his deft fingers over the heads, spreading precum over both of their lengths. He added a generous amount of lube and repeated the process. Hisoka's eyes were already rolling back from time to time, he was sometimes dangerously close to coming, and Illumi hadn't even really started yet. Equipping a man of his skill with a strap-on was going to be Hisoka's downfall.

Illumi hummed, the tenor of his voice accompanied by a smile as he watched his sub come apart at the seams. “That's right. You're mine now.” Hisoka's breath hitched, and he nodded, sighing out a string of barely coherent agreements that increased in volume whenever Illumi bought his hand up again, squeezing his tip.

A gentle finger nudged his chin and Hisoka strained to look up at the lightless eyes returning his gaze. Unrelenting and cool as always, but never unkind. The very same eyes that had first enraptured him and commanded him to stay had eventually started to feel like home, a truly safe space. Something he hadn't even dared to hope to find again. Hisoka didn't try to push the thought away this time. He was right where he was supposed to be, collared and bound underneath this man, fully consenting to giving up every ounce of his pride, every piece of his mask for him. The man who had never tried to breach his walls, but had simply invited him to come to the other side and join him whenever he felt ready. And Hisoka felt closer to ready with every passing minute. 

Illumi's hair fell over one of his shoulders, blocking out the light. He squeezed his fist holding them both, making the man below him cry out with pleasure. Hisoka’s mouth hung open, sweat gathering on his brow, but he couldn't take his eyes off of him.

“Tell me who you belong to.”

“You.” The word fell from his lips without a second thought. It was the only possible answer. Illumi exhaled visibly, the faintest smile tugging at his lips. Holding his jaw, he bent down and kissed Hisoka. His hand kept moving down below, making his sub twitch and whine against his mouth, begging for more with slurred words. They only slightly parted for air before crushing together in another kiss, deeper than the one before.

Illumi pushed a finger to his tip and Hisoka flinched with a moan. So close.

“Tell me again.”

“I—I'm yours-...ah-!” Illumi's hand left his chin, wandering down over his throat and chest, pinching his nipple, and Hisoka canted his hips restlessly, biting his lips.

“Again.”

Hisoka's voice was starting to lose any and all coherence, melting his words into a mess of barely discernible, needy noises, “Yours, yours—always only yours—ahhh fuck, fuck-!! Please, Illumi—I-!”

“Yes, baby?” Illumi leaned in, a whisper of hot breath ghosting over Hisoka's other nipple, awakening goosebumps along his entire body. The rope creaked as Hisoka pulled hard on the restraints.

“I'm so close—I beg you, please–I need to cum-”

“You can.” Illumi bit down and Hisoka convulsed with it, thrusting into his dom's hand and against his cock, once, twice more before crying out sharply and spilling onto his abs, up to his chest. He shook heavily, otherwise unmoving, helplessly yanking on the bonds as he came. He couldn’t be sure if Illumi's name was only endlessly repeated in his thoughts or if he was actually moaning it out like a prayer throughout the duration of his climax. He didn't mind either way, because the soft chuckle of the other man against the sensitive skin of his chest was everything that mattered. His mind was still whited out, body tingling and mouth hanging open to draw in trembling breaths, as Illumi lifted his head, a splatter of white now streaking his cheek and parts of his hair.

Hisoka's eyes widened and he fell completely motionless for a moment. Alarmed, he opened his mouth to apologise, but Illumi hushed him before he could say anything, not even looking the slightest bit upset or angry. He simply leaned in towards Hisoka's face and said, “Clean it.”

“...Yes, Sir.” Straining against the wrist bonds, he did his best to kiss the stain away, carefully licking off what wasn't so easily wiped away by his lips. The hair was particularly tricky to deal with without the use of his hands, but he managed somehow. The taste of his own spend and Illumi's perspiration mingled on his tongue, each salty in their own way, giving his cheeks no chance to cool down again, even when the last waves off his orgasm slowly ebbed. Once Illumi's face was clean, Hisoka leaned back. His dom regarded him, and wiped a thumb along his lower lip.

“Swallow.” Hisoka kept eye-contact as he did as he was told. Illumi's eyebrows lowered as he smiled, visibly satisfied with his sub's obedience. “Well done.” He leaned down and waited for a brief moment – it was a yellow light after orgasm, after all – but his sub almost immediately inched towards him, so Illumi gifted him with a soft kiss as a reward. Hisoka was still blissed out from coming, but reciprocated weakly nonetheless. He found himself asking for another when they parted, no shame tinting his voice. Illumi smiled and brushed their lips together once more.

“Can you still go?” he asked the next time they separated.

“Yes.”

“Good.” Illumi unhooked the restraints from the rope, but left them on Hisoka's wrists. After making sure he could still feel his fingers, he kissed him one last time, long and deep, before whispering against his lips, “Turn around, get on your knees.” Hisoka chuckled, because the kiss had felt like a dramatic farewell of lovers parting at the airport for an indefinite amount of time, but apparently, telling him to turn away from him was all the same to Illumi.

He rolled over and pushed himself up, getting into position. The ring of the collar was dangling from his neck, jingling slightly, and the mattress behind him soon dipped down as Illumi joined him on the bed.

Fingertips scooted along his ass, tracing shapes, and the slight pain reminded Hisoka that the spanking marks were definitely still very much visible. He exhaled a shaky breath and cast a look over his shoulder to see Illumi admiring his form with dark eyes. Being exposed to someone like this never lost its touch. It made him feel shy.

Hisoka flinched as more lube was poured onto his sensitive skin. Cold. He shivered, letting his head fall forward. Illumi placed the toy against his backside and thrust between his cheeks a few times, spreading the slick along the strap as well as his sub's skin, quickly warming it up, and Hisoka once again couldn't help but notice how close to real it felt. More than that, Illumi was clearly used to wearing it, treating it as a part of his body, which made all of the movements seem natural, too. Hisoka already knew he was in for a good time. One that would quite possibly make him forget his own name. God, he'd wanted this for so long...

Illumi placed a kiss on his shoulder. “All good to go?”

“All good to go,” Hisoka echoed with a smile. “Green.”

Illumi's hand found his waist as if to steady him, and then didn’t waste any more time. He nudged the first inches of the tip inside and Hisoka pressed his lips together with it, heat shooting to his face. Illumi rolled his hips forward, and aided by both preparation and the way Hisoka's needy body all but pulled him in, he sank all the way to the hilt with a single thrust. Hisoka let out a shaky whine, trying to get used to being filled up nicely like this. The curve of the toy and the way it pressed against his inner walls was already making him shake, even without the other man moving – he'd chosen well, and doomed himself, he knew. Illumi watched him and muttered something that sounded close to “Cute…”

With both hands finding purchase on his sub's small waist, he moved his hips back, then snapped them forward again, and Hisoka moaned. The other man soon set a rhythm, each punctuated by the metallic jingle of the collar's ring, but he wasn't just mindlessly jackhammering, no, every time he was all the way inside, he rolled his hips in the most maddeningly delicious way Hisoka had ever experienced in sex.

His fingers fisted in the bedding. He was hard in no time again without being touched there, his arms trembling and growing weak as Illumi thrust inside again and again. While his dom casually rearranged his insides, curses and other exclamations tumbled from Hisoka’s lips, mingling with the sounds of sex and the soft noises of the man behind him.

Hisoka's arms gave out with a moan and his upper body lowered onto the sheets, and he consequently spread his legs more as he went. There he was, getting fucked into the mattress like he'd always dreamed of, yet it was so very different than anything he'd ever imagined. This wasn't sex to make him forget, to serve any purpose, to hide a part of himself or to bury any feelings. This was sex that brought out what he felt, and told him that he was allowed to keep it. All of it. For the first time in a long time.

If he belonged to Illumi now, Illumi belonged to him as well.

The thought of that pushed him closer to the edge.

One of Illumi's hands wandered in a gentle caress from his waist over his shoulder blades and then firmly grabbed him by the back of the neck, holding him down, just like he’d begged for.

“Yes-” Hisoka moaned against the sheets but was cut short as the other man thrust so deep it punched a gasp out of him. The angle shifted as Illumi leaned over him, chest to back, and Hisoka arched with a drawn-out whine as now every single move of his dom massaged over the sweet spot inside and repeatedly pressed Illumi's hips and thighs against the spank marks he had left on his backside only two days ago. He could feel Illumi's heart beat against his skin, and he dribbled onto the sheets. His dom chuckled breathlessly at Hisoka's obvious unravelment, the way he twitched and yelped with every roll of his hips now.

“Close again?” Hisoka nodded, caught up in pleasure and pain. His hair was sticking to his sweat-slick forehead.

“P-please let me cum...”

“No, not yet.” You asked to be used.

Illumi pulled out suddenly, unexpectedly, and Hisoka almost sobbed at the loss, burying his face in the bedding. His thighs were wet from excess lube and his own sweat, and he was quivering as the blinding hot feeling that had been building up for the past few minutes subsided again. Always with the edging... How cruel.

The other man flipped him over, bent his knees and smoothly pushed inside again, making Hisoka inhale with a hiss. His body welcomed him all the same. “I want to see you fall apart,” Illumi growled, hooking his thumb in the ring of the collar as he resumed his rhythm, the rest of his fingers spreading around his throat.

Somehow Hisoka knew it was his naked face that awoke that unabashed greed in the other man, made his possessiveness shoot through the roof. The freckles, the events of this day, and the fact that he'd just become his sub, officially.

Like consummating a marriage... Hisoka's lust-veiled mind conjured, and he couldn't help but chuckle over it, even through the moans and gasps that shook his form with every thrust.

He looked up at Illumi. He was aware that he must have looked a mess by now, but contrary to their previous sessions, the other man didn't fare much better. His cheeks were redder than anything Hisoka had seen on him before, his lips slightly swollen, his hair dishevelled and clinging to his skin in various places as well.

Hisoka lifted a hand, waiting for and quickly receiving a nod from Illumi, and then held on to him, fingers fisted in his long black hair. He pulled and Illumi snapped his hips forward, buried himself deep with a sigh, making Hisoka tremble and cry out. His cock jumped as the base hit his ass, essentially delivering a slap to the bruises. He wouldn’t last much longer like this.

“Tell me again...-” Illumi said, his voice sounding rough.

“I'm yours.” As soon as the words had left his mouth, Illumi tightened his grip on his throat, and Hisoka gasped for air as his circulation was very quickly cut off. Every inch of him was overly sensitive by now, the first orgasm still lingering in his system, and the combination of being choked while still getting fucked like this made the boiling heat spread in his stomach as well as his head, driving him close to his second peak shockingly fast. The racing pulse in his ears slowly drowned out most other sounds. While he helplessly pulled on the black strands again, dimly aware of his dom moaning from it, his other hand clung to Illumi's wrist and held on for dear life. The other man still mercilessly pounded his prostate and seemed like could do it forever.

Hisoka was trembling, the eyes he could only barely keep open anymore locked with the ones above, looking blurry from the moisture. Please, he mouthed. Please, please, please. It only took one flit of his gaze to the other's lips and Illumi was kissing him. The push of his tongue past his lips paired with another perfectly placed thrust was all it took for Hisoka to break for good, and he came a second time, moaning sloppily against the mouth pressed to his, mind completely blanking.

Everything was so searingly hot, smooth, wet and sublime, he nearly lost his mind over it.

As he shivered with the pulses of his climax, the hand left his throat, and the sudden rush of oxygen to his brain heightened the sensations even further. He threw his head back now, eyes squeezed shut, thighs squeezing Illumi’s sides. He heard the ring of the collar clink metallically and then Illumi held his face, letting him ride his high for as long as it lasted, slightly rolling his hips throughout, and then slowly guiding him back down again with soft brushes of his thumbs along his skin.

With a soft sound of exhaustion falling from his lips, Hisoka blinked wet eyelashes open, blinked up at the other man who regarded him with worship written all over his features, also panting quite heavily. Heart-eyes on his end, too. Hisoka managed a weak smile, and the curl of his eyes made a few tears roll down his cheeks.

“...Thank you, Sir,” he croaked.

Illumi smiled and leaned his forehead against his, fingers spreading in the red waves of hair. “My pleasure, Hisoka.” He nosed at his sub's sweat-slick temple, placing a gentle kiss to his cheekbone as he slowly pulled out. “So.”

Hisoka blinked, completely blissed and fucked out. “Mh?”

The other man lowered his eyelids almost suggestively. “Round three?” Hisoka's mouth fell open as shock made his eyes go wide, and he sputtered out a tiny “Uh-” that – admittedly – could've done a better job of conveying what he was really trying to say, namely: Jesus fucking Christ Illumi, how much stamina do you have???, but well, his brains had just almost been fucked out of his body, so he decided to give himself a pass on not being the most eloquent man in the room right now.

Taking in his dumbfounded expression, Illumi chuckled. “I'm joking.”

Did he just-- Hisoka buried his face in his hands with an annoyed sigh, but a real grin soon came shining through. “You think you're so funny...”

“Well, sometimes I am,” Illumi said with a smile and slipped the strap-on harness off. “Let's get cleaned up. There's sushi waiting for us.”

“So, what you’re really trying to say is, sushi and then round three?” Hisoka joked, his completely dishevelled state a punchline in and of itself. He made finger guns at Illumi, waiting for his dom to laugh.

But Illumi tilted his head, a playful glint in his eyes as he helped him sit up, “Careful what you wish for,” He pressed a promising kiss to Hisoka's palm, “You might just end up getting it.”

Yeah. Hisoka grinned. He knew by now.

Chapter Text

Three things had changed ever since they'd signed the contract two weeks ago.

One: Their sex. 

There was now, more than ever, a clear distinction between sex on-camera versus off-camera. For their audience, there was no noticeable difference. When Illumi joined Hisoka for his streams, they were still the perfect picture of a dom and sub: kinky, messy, alluring to each other and the people watching. Performing, to an extent, delivering an authentic show that would make the number of donations skyrocket every single time. 

But with things being official between the two of them now, the real session started once the laptop was shut and the cameras were off. Once they were truly alone, they showed each other everything their audience wasn't allowed to see. Hisoka would ask for kisses, his face bare, his fingers tangled in dark hair (if he wasn't tied up). Illumi would take off his suit, permitting, inviting touch, making Hisoka say who he belonged to over and over again. Telling him, if he was gagged. Coming so close that their noses touched – tying the concept of belonging to this level of proximity. Both physically and mentally, the last bits of distance between them slowly but surely melted away.

Two: Parallel Play became a thing. 

Whenever they were in the condo at the same time, even if they weren't frantically entangled or talking to each other – and they were doing both a lot – they would leave their doors open and linger close to one another, sometimes in the same room. It was something that Hisoka found bewildering at first – he had always been sensitive about his own space and alone-time – but he quickly grew fond of Illumi being near him, even if they weren’t interacting per se. 

The other man was, as usual, the exception to every one of the unspoken rules. 

So now, sometimes, Illumi would sit in the beanbag in Hisoka's workroom with a book or a cup of tea in hand – he was trying very hard to get the hang of self-care – while he himself worked on his latest creations, running his sewing machine until it was hot to the touch. Sometimes Hisoka would join Illumi in his office or on the balcony when he was working late from home, making sure he drank enough and reminding him to rest, while sketching new designs or editing some selfies for his social media. Just being around each other, no matter in which state or mood, became something that felt like second nature. Something right. Which led to...

Three: Fuck. Fuck, fuck, FUCK .

Hisoka hadn't been prepared for this level of blissful domesticity. No matter how hard he tried, how hard he subconsciously shamed himself for it, he could no longer deny how completely enamoured with Illumi he found himself. Which once again proved what a huge idiot he was. He could’ve stopped it, maybe, if he had noticed it sooner, fought harder. But falling out of love was simply not an option anymore, not after brunch, not after the heart-eyes, not after the contract and their deeply sensual first official session. He said it every time they fucked now: I’m yours. It was ingrained in his body, in his mind, and his heart had decided to run with it. 

What was truly alarming about it was the fact that Hisoka couldn’t even call it a problem, despite all of the complications it brought with it. Objectively speaking, he found himself happier than he could remember ever being. Illumi took care of him, and it made him feel like he had found a home by his side. It made something deep inside of him settle, like he could finally stop running.

Consequently, he had more energy and motivation for other things. He was constantly inspired and actually used his summer break to flesh out his portfolio a bit more and work on the techniques he still struggled with. With Alluka's birthday coming up, he even resumed his work on the flowery ballgown to fix the seams and uneven parts. Illumi’s encouragement helped, too. He was completely fascinated by Hisoka’s work and loved watching him, and Hisoka in turn thrived under attention and praise – so it was a clear win-win situation.

Next to the increased productivity, Hisoka noticed himself changing in other ways, too. Becoming more devoted, in a sense, even beyond the start and end of their sessions. Many things that would've taken a lot of persuasion a few months ago were now unquestionable.

Sharing the bed had turned from a willing decision into a subconscious reflex, like it was the most logical thing to do. So had saying yes to whatever Illumi asked of him, but not in a way that ever felt forced. Because despite being handed the reins, Illumi never asked anything cruel of him or demanded something that came even close to making Hisoka uncomfortable. He never took advantage of him. And that meant a lot.

In turn, Hisoka knew it was ride or die for Illumi, and he wanted to make him happy as often as he could.

So, suddenly, he was double-texting. He made the effort to communicate his wishes openly, even when it scared him. He asked for clarification when he didn't understand, to keep himself from overthinking. On workdays, he was sometimes getting up at the crack of dawn to have breakfast and a coffee with his dom – During. His. Summer. Break! – because every minute spent with him was precious. Whenever Hisoka managed to make Illumi smile or laugh, his heart danced, reminding him how royally fucked he was.

But the most striking change was the awakening desire to tell Illumi more about himself. Even the things he had never lost a single word over. He wanted the other man to truly know him. He wanted to know more about him as well.

Hisoka felt taken care of. Felt safe. He had no reason to think otherwise.

But.

With all of these changes, his subconscious became a nearly untameable bitch. It made sure to remind him that things weren't magically peachy all of a sudden. Ever since the day they had signed, he had nightmares almost every single night. Closeness was still a scary concept. Having feelings was still the worst. And being vulnerable was nothing but dangerous. Hisoka didn't do subtle – and neither did his brain. So his nightmares, too, were anything but.

He had dreams where he would confess and immediately get dropped. The rejection trope had several versions, with different endings, and none of them were good. Sometimes after he'd poured his heart out to him, his dom's lips would stretch in a cold smile, telling him how silly and pathetic he was for assuming he was anything more than a fucktoy to him. In others, Illumi would grow immensely angry, call him a fucking hypocrite and liar with a nod to his hard limit to romance, and remind him with a colourful choice of words that he had limits too, and how selfish Hisoka was for trying to ignore them. And then dropping him. Those versions were as unsettling as they were easy to dismiss. Because Illumi was never cold, and he had never been angry with Hisoka.

But there were iterations of these nightmares he couldn't get out of his head so easily. In the most cruel versions, after his confession, Illumi would give him a soft smile and thank him, tell him that he was flattered, but didn't feel the same. That he was sorry he couldn’t reciprocate. And then carefully, gently , tell him they probably shouldn't continue to see each other. The fear that this particular version instilled in Hisoka still gripped him when he was awake, because he saw that same soft smile, and heard the same careful choice of words on a daily basis.

He had even grown weary of his more sexy dreams. Often-times they were nice, but every now and then Illumi's touch changed and voice warped and suddenly Hisoka found himself facing a certain one of his exes, his first one, who had started this entire fun journey of crippling self-doubt when he had still been a teen, the one he wished he'd long been over by now. But when someone plays with you for over a year and then cuts you off out of nowhere while essentially dooming you to homelessness, that's something your mind holds on to. To keep you safe, to keep you from repeating your mistakes. Even when things have changed. Even when not everyone is cruel. Because, potentially, never forget, everyone could be.

And lastly, there were the nightmares where Hisoka found himself reliving fractions of his childhood and youth, with a man that shared his blood but never bothered to call him by his name and a woman who found his mere existence the perfect reason to use him as a punching bag, both literally and figuratively. Where he wasn't worth any more than the cockroaches under the cupboards of the filthy apartment. Where they would take everything he loved from him, rip it to shreds and punish him for whenever he dared to be himself. When not loving anything had become the safest choice, and never showing your true face was a necessity for survival. Those nightly visions were inarguably the worst, because they made Hisoka realise how chained to these memories and experiences he still was, and probably would be for a while.

See? His brain didn’t do subtle.

He jerked awake again, mind too fuzzy to remember what had woken him this time, but judging from the cold sweat covering his forehead, he was pretty sure it hadn't been something good. His racing pulse was constricting his breath, and he swallowed to try and get rid of the feeling. It didn't work. His throat was parched, like he'd been running a marathon. And he was nauseous. Probably another childhood nightmare then. Those always left him wanting to puke.

Illumi was sleeping on his chest, slightly drooling as always when his medication was in full effect. Hisoka tried to ground himself in the closeness of the other man but it didn't really work. He just felt filthy because nightmares always left him with a full-body clamminess, so he carefully shifted to have Illumi slide off of him and vanished in the adjacent bathroom, before the fresh sweat had the chance to turn him into an unpleasantly smelling mess. He caught his pale form in one of the mirrors, the marks of their last session already fading on his wrists and his waist, and he tried to let the pleasant memories over that push the uncomfortable remnants of the nightmare out of his head.

When he re-emerged a quick shower later, the other man was still asleep, face now buried in Hisoka's pillow. Hisoka smiled at the sight but his expression quickly soured again, doubt clinging to his exhausted mind. Still only wearing a towel, he left the bedroom and got himself a glass of water in the kitchen, silently cursing his annoying brain for not letting him have a single good thing and enjoy it for a while. He sat on the tiles, a hand wandering to his own throat almost on its own accord, mimicking the weight of the collar. He closed his eyes and stayed there until he felt he could breathe again. Only then did he get himself a new set of sleeping clothes and returned to the warmth of their shared bed.

As he sank down on the mattress, he found two bleary, black eyes blinking at him in the darkness.

“Oh... I'm sorry for waking you,” he said softly. Illumi made a quiet sound but otherwise didn't respond at first – he wasn’t always responsive when his medication was still in effect – having clearly been ripped from his pill-induced sleep, but he scurried closer, putting his arms around Hisoka's middle, holding him close. Hisoka had now long learned that the other man craved touch and closeness the most when he was medicated or tired.

“Can't sleep...?” Illumi mumbled against his chest.

“Nightmare,” Hisoka whispered back. Most times he didn’t even consider lying anymore. Not to him. Illumi looked up at him, clearly dead-tired but willing to listen. Hisoka didn't feel like talking about it, though. That could potentially reveal a lot of things he wasn't willing to share yet. So he settled for something that he knew would benefit them both. “Can I touch your hair...?”

“'course...”

“Thanks...” Hisoka carded his fingers through the black to further calm himself and lull his dom back to sleep. He wanted to ask for something else, too, but Illumi was breathing evenly again within a minute, so Hisoka closed his mouth and, with his nose buried in the other man's hair, tried to find some sleep as well.

-

Of course he overslept the next day. Too tired to even notice Illumi leave in the morning, he woke up around noon. Still feeling jaded – and not in a fun way – he checked his phone.

Illumi, 05:39 a.m.: Good morning, Hisoka. I'm happy you're able to get some more sleep, and I hope when you read this you feel well-rested. I have only a handful of showings scheduled for today, as well as the weekly meeting with the team. I should be home by seven. Have a nice day.

Illumi, 5:40 a.m.: P.S. We could eat out if you're in the mood. I wanted to try out a new seafood restaurant, Milluki recommended it, so I know it’s good. You could wear some of your latest creations. xo

Illumi had sent the link to the restaurant’s website, so Hisoka scrolled through their menu for a bit. He was immediately sold on their cocktail card. He read the other man’s messages again.

Well. It wasn't as nice as a good morning kiss, but a small smile crept onto Hisoka's face nonetheless. Mister Real Estate wants to show me off, hm? That sure sounded like a welcome distraction to his exhaustion. In fact, it sounded a bit... like a date. A proper one. Considerably more energised by the lovely prospects of the texts, Hisoka got out of bed and already pondered over his outfit while making himself breakfast. Sipping his chai latte a few minutes later, he typed out his reply.

Hisoka, 11:04 a.m.: Hi Illu. How could I say no to that? ♥ Their cocktails sound very good.

Hisoka, 11:05 a.m.: Any preferences on the type of outfit? I have a few ideas…

Checking the remaining notifications he’d missed, he quickly added:

Hisoka, 11:06 a.m.: P.S. Don't forget to drink something, and make it double. I didn't send you your reminder this morning.

Illumi responded a few hours later on his lunch break. First, he sent a picture of a big glass of iced water. The amount of ice-cubes in it made Hisoka wonder if the day was particularly stressful.

Illumi, 2:10 p.m.: Thank you for reminding me. I'll make sure to have another one once this one is empty.

Illumi, 2:11 p.m.: As for the outfit, I was thinking suits? I haven't seen you in one yet, so I’m quite curious.

Hisoka wanted to respond but the little bubble indicating that Illumi was typing kept appearing and disappearing, so he waited. At last, another message popped up:

Illumi, 2:13 p.m.: But I also haven't seen you work on a suit recently. And I've never seen you in formal wear in general. So please don't feel pressured if you do not have one or don’t feel comfortable wearing one. I'll enjoy it no matter what you wear, I'm sure.

Hisoka chuckled, his features softening. He had noticed that, outside of sessions, Illumi had a hard time to ask for anything he wanted. And then he started to ramble, to reassure, to present his conversational partner with many, maaaany ways out. Hisoka had started to meet this more tangible sense of anxiety with nonchalance, and throw some of that reassurance right back at the other man.

Hisoka, 2:14 p.m.: Dw, I have several. I'll pick something nice. (^_~)-☆ What colour are you wearing today?

Illumi responded right away by sending a picture of charcoal coloured dress pants, the slight shine and overall structure of the fabric hinting at a silk cotton mix. Pretty and high-class, as always. But Hisoka's mind could only hold on to that fact for about 0.3 seconds, because the other man's polished shoes were in the picture too, and from there his eyes began to wander.

Illumi had one of his ankles crossed over the opposite thigh, and his free hand rested on his bent leg, watch on display. It was a hot day again, so the back of his hand was slightly veiny. Oh. The snapshot of his lap also perfectly framed the empty floor between his legs. Ohhh.  

Maybe it was unintentional – the picture had come immensely quick after all – but this view still had quite the effect on Hisoka.

What I'd give to kneel there right now...

Focusing on the task at hand, Hisoka swallowed once, forced himself to rip his eyes from the picture, and typed out his reply – after deleting the first few drafts that consisted of keysmash, an overabundance of eggplant and droplet emojis and a message that straight-up read “ I want you to keep all of that on and spit on my face next time you fuck me, thank you very much ”. In the end, after staring at his phone blankly, deleting everything and clearing his throat, he sent:

Hisoka, 2:18 p.m.: Nice suit~ ♥♥♥

Yes, three hearts. Because Jesus Fucking Christ, Illumi, the things you do to a man on a Wednesday morn–noon.

Hisoka, 2:18 p.m.: I'll make sure our outfits don't clash.

Illumi, 2:20 p.m.: Good. I'll pick you up around 7.

Illumi, 2:20 p.m.: I can't wait.

Hisoka, 2:21 p.m.: Same here. ♥ I'll wait for you out front (yes, saving the 5 mins is absolutely crucial :P)

Illumi, 2:22 p.m.: :)

Wow, one of the rare emojis. Stressful day or not, his dom seemed to be in a fantastic mood. It made Hisoka all the more giddy for what was to come. He took the prospect of a potential date very seriously – it came from Illumi ‘I’m not ready to date again’ Zoldyck, after all. 

That's why, knowing how much a full-body routine would take him, he got to work immediately after their exchange. First, he got the basics of a shower with hair treatment, as well as brushing and flossing his teeth out of the way. Then he put on a facemask – the good stuff, roughly two-hundred dollars for sixty millilitres. While his skin soaked up all of that, he pampered himself with a mani-pedi before moving on to removing all of his body hair – well, the barely visible stubble that had started to regrow here and there, he was waxing pretty frequently, after all – he didn't know about Illumi but he preferred himself hairless.  Once all of that was done, with his skin glowing and smooth from head to toe, he finally crossed over to select his outfit. Choosing a sexy set of underwear that would turn undressing him into an event was actually what took him the most amount of time. He then spent three full hours doing his hair and makeup.

He wanted to look absolutely perfect. Illumi deserved nothing less. And he would be caught dead half-assing a look.

In the meantime, Hisoka made sure to send the other man his hydration reminders, and each time, his dom responded with a picture of a glass of water – either full or already empty – or a bottle of water. Hisoka rewarded him by sending little sneak peeks of his makeup or outfit, knowing how much Illumi enjoyed these glimpses that were only reserved for him to see.

At seven, Hisoka was waiting on the curb, dressed in a burgundy suit, no tie, tailored to hug his body in the best possible way, elongating his legs even more and drawing attention to his toned arms and broad shoulders. The fabric had a slight shimmer to it that only came out under artificial lighting, so it was perfect for date nights and other nightly activities. He'd bought it years ago – when making purchases this big had still taken him months of saving his hard-earned money – and then modified it in a way that also pulled attention to his slim waist. He loved blending masculine and feminine expressions in every piece of clothing he owned. His outfit was completed by spotless white ankle boots with a precariously high heel and pointed toes.

His makeup was more subdued than usual, a simple, neat brow and a pop of colour in the inner corners of his eyes, while carefully placed contours and highlights brought out his jawline, his cheekbones, his cupid's bow, the tip of his nose. He'd put on the same perfume he remembered wearing during his first session with Illumi, too.

Several passers-by shot him looks – a good sign, especially the scandalised ones coming from middle-aged conservatives. He couldn't amuse himself with their attention for too long though, because it didn't even take five minutes until one of Illumi's polished cars halted in front of him – a midnight blue BMW.

As soon as Hisoka had found his place in the passenger's seat, a hand landed on his thigh, and he hummed as the driver dragged a prolonged, appreciative stare along his form. His lips were parted slightly and Hisoka grinned.

“I knew you'd look good in a suit,” Illumi breathed. “But you took it to another level.” Hisoka was very proud to see his efforts appreciated, and the other man leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth. “Hello,” Illumi added, sounding almost embarrassed about nearly forgetting to greet him properly.

“Hi there,” Hisoka shot back with an amused glint in his smirk and returned the same small kiss, “And thank you. I could say the same. I don't know how you do it every single day.”

Illumi blinked. “Do what?”

Hisoka gestured at him. “Look as gorgeous as you do after, what, a twelve-hour-workday?”

Illumi blinked again, tilting his head now. Hisoka raised his brows. “No, seriously. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?”

“Hmm. Around twenty, thirty minutes? Breakfast included.”

Hisoka's eyes widened in sheer and utter offence before they narrowed in envy, and he pouted. “God, I hate you sometimes.”

“No, you don't.” Illumi said with a knowing smile and kissed him again, this time right on his pout. “And thank you for thinking I look gorgeous.” Hisoka's sour look gave way to a caught smile. He rolled his eyes without any malice and then chuckled when even that gesture received a kiss. Illumi returned the smile and leaned back into his seat, grabbing the steering wheel. “Let's get some food.”

-

The waiter scurried away with their orders in hand. Illumi had subtly and politely recommended Hisoka to try one of the many virgin cocktails, insinuating that he was planning on having a session tonight – as per their contract, if one or both of them got drunk, that option was off the table. There was a variety of fun-looking, non-alcoholic drinks, so abstaining wasn't really a difficulty for Hisoka, especially with such a nice prospect.

When they were alone at their semi-secluded table once again, Illumi's foot danced along Hisoka's shin below, bringing his attention front and centre.

“How was your day?”

“Hmm~ uneventful in a sense. Slept in and then woke up to a stunningly handsome man inviting me to dinner, so I spent most of my day making sure I would give him nothing but my best.”

“He's lucky,” Illumi responded, joining Hisoka's little game. “I'm sure he appreciates it deeply.”

“He always does,” Hisoka grinned and their shared gaze turned a hint more sultry. They were off to a fantastic start, and tonight only promised to become even more fun. “What about you? How was work?”

Immediately, almost begrudgingly, Illumi's eyes seemed to lose a bit of their sensuality and he straightened slightly. He put his hand close to Hisoka's on the table, dragging the pad of his index finger along his knuckles and then slowly along each of his fingers, to the tips of his painted nails. “It went well for the most part, but I have some news.”

“Oh?”

“You won't like it, I'm afraid,” Illumi said with a barely visible but clearly apologetic smile.

“Oh,” Hisoka's face dropped. His brows knitted slightly while his brain immediately assumed the worst. He tried to keep the insecurity out of his voice when he inquired, “What is it?”

“One of our agents fell ill, so in her stead I'm going on a business trip starting tomorrow. I will be gone for about ten days, but return for Alluka's birthday party at the latest.”

“Ah...” Hisoka kept his face mostly neutral, despite the unease that spread in his gut. The brat within wanted to throw a tantrum immediately, to demand that the other man took him with him, but his more sensible side forced him to stay quiet. For now. “Where to?”

“Spain.” Oof. Europe. That meant a big time difference, too. Hisoka was immediately glad he hadn't demanded to accompany the other man. He'd never boarded a plane. He didn't even own a passport.

Illumi went on, interlacing his fingers with Hisoka's, “We're looking to buy a few properties to flip there. Europe offers quite the lucrative market in that sense, lots of historic buildings just sitting there. Many buyers are interested in something authentic like this for their vacation homes.” Fuckin' rich people and their extravagant retreats, geez. 

Despite absolutely not being keen on spending time by himself for ten days in their huge condo, Hisoka tried to stick to the small talk, to keep the conversation light. He only had a vague concept of foreign countries, yet alone other continents, only ever having experienced them through the lens of movies and TV. “Have you been before? Is it nice there this time of year?”

“It's very hot, and sadly I won't have any time to enjoy the nice parts of it. I'll mostly be on the road with my father, look at properties, hold meetings with the construction company, et cetera. I'd prefer to stay here with you.” So much for small talk. Heart set ablaze, Hisoka looked at their hands, opening his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the waiter bringing their drinks. Their hands parted with the third person nearing the table, and even after he was gone again, the silence and distance remained and stretched for a few seconds.

Something about Illumi openly admitting that the situation would bother him as well made the gravity of it all the more palpable. He wasn’t one to complain, usually. Hisoka was the whiny, demanding one. Clearly neither of them wanted this business trip to happen, so showing any kind of support was really hard for Hisoka to do. If Illumi had been on board with it, he could have at least hyped him up and played along, but now he could only show solidarity by lamenting his leave as well. He hid his frown by taking a sip of his virgin strawberry daiquiri. Not even the extremely delicious drink could lift his mood. This date suddenly felt like a consolation prize, too, making his more bratty side roar within him. He was aware what ten days without Illumi could – and would – do to him. 

The last time they had spent this much time apart, it had made him act up so much that the following punishment had resulted in him not being able to sit for a few days.

But things were slightly different now, weren't they? It wasn't just about the lack of sex in such a situation anymore either. He’d miss their closeness, drifting to sleep in the other man’s arms, pillowing his feet in his lap during their late-night encounters on the balcony, having dinner together, making him laugh with silly jokes,-... Ugh, how troublesome these feelings are . 

Hisoka tried to not get lost in the sobering thoughts too much, and to instead concentrate on what he'd learned would always work out with Illumi: Talk openly about his needs.

He started with the bare minimum. “We can still call or text, right?”

“Yes. It would be hard to get through it otherwise, wouldn't it?” Illumi took a sip of his drink and Hisoka smiled a little. Instant reassurance. A baseline of steady communication was a must for sure – they had both learned their lesson in that regard – but he needed a little bit more. So he tried to bring up the question that had been on the tip of his tongue ever since the nightmares had become so prevalent. Which wasn’t all that easy, because it made him feel weak.

“Could I...” He chewed the inside of his cheek. Illumi put down his glass and looked at him. Hisoka checked if the waiter was on his way back to their table, and upon finding that they wouldn't be disturbed for a few more minutes, he continued, voice low, “Do I have your permission to wear the collar while you're gone?”

Illumi's eyes glinted in the low light – if it was a good or a bad thing, Hisoka couldn't quite tell – and then he asked, “For a stream?”

“No. I mean, maybe, yeah, if I stream for sure, but I meant more along the lines of... just in general.” The object meant more to him than he liked to admit. It was almost embarrassing how quickly, and without fail, it helped him to calm down.

Illumi thought about it for a while, putting his chin on his folded hands, looking out over the restaurant and the many aquariums that held all sorts of colourful fish and other animals. Once he had concluded his contemplations, his eyes snapped back to Hisoka. “I've noticed that you like keeping it on even after we end the session.” Of course you have. “But this type of collar is strictly only meant for playing and I would like to keep it that way. Its attached meaning as a pointer is important to me.”

Well shit. How was he supposed to deal with it then? The nightmares wouldn’t take a break just because Illumi was gone.

“So... it's a no,” Hisoka tried to clarify, voice half a question. He felt ashamed, asking for something he had essentially already been denied. The dark eyes didn't divert from his form, and he saw Illumi recognise that something was troubling him. Hisoka took a sip from his drink to hide the need to avert his gaze. After a few seconds of silent consideration, the man across opened his mouth again.

“It's a no for this particular session collar. But,” Illumi tilted his head a little, “I won't refuse you something that makes you feel safe and reminds you of who you belong to. Especially when I'm unable to do it myself.” The straight-forward approach and strikingly accurate interpretation of not only his words but also his needs left Hisoka stunned silent, as it so often did. Illumi continued, unperturbed, “If you need one for daily use, I will get you one you never have to take off again if you don't want to.”

Hisoka shot the other man a wide-eyed look, the prospect immediately occupying his entire mind. Hisoka suddenly felt hot. Was he blushing? Illumi’s eyelids lowered marginally, and the mood shifted with it. The glint in his eyes was now – no doubt – one of clear possessiveness. Hisoka wasn’t sure what had caused it this time. But he sure as hell wouldn’t complain about it.

Their orders were brought but neither of them even looked at their plates at first. The waiter wished them bon appétit and just as Illumi replied with a polite thank you, it looks really good, with his gaze still locked on the man sitting across, his foot wandered up Hisoka's shin, eyes laden with sinful promise. Hisoka almost choked on air as the tip of Illumi's shoe nudged his knees a bit apart. He cleared his throat and nodded towards the waiter, who then left them with their steaming portions of lobster.

“We can get you a day collar right after dinner,” Illumi said calmly without moving his foot from where it rested against Hisoka’s inner thigh. “My favourite shop is close by. I wanted to take you there anyway. What do you say?”

A fancy dinner followed by a visit to a fancy sex shop? Okay, consolation prize or not, this is definitely a date.

“Yes, Sir,” Hisoka replied as if hypnotised, and only noticed what exactly he had said when Illumi stopped lifting his drink midway to stare at him. Hisoka's cheeks darkened with the realisation. Maybe he didn't hear--

“Anything else you need, baby ?” Oh my god, just shoot me now.

While Hisoka's brain set itself on fire for good, his dom finally took a sip of his drink, but the glass didn't hide the dark smile that spread on his lips. “You know I will give you whatever you want. But you have to ask.”

With the help of a nutcracker, Illumi expertly opened the lobster claws, finally taking the eyes off of his sub, but the tip of his foot was now hooked on Hisoka's ankle. Hisoka's train of thought ran full speed through all of the things he wanted to ask for. He knew tonight's session needed to sustain him for the duration of their break and there were many, many options to choose from. But there was one particular thing his mind repeatedly returned to, so after a few seconds, he mumbled something.

The black eyes snapped up to meet his again. “Pardon?”

“I said... some marks would be nice to tide me over.” The old ones were quickly fading. “Somewhere I can see, too.” 

Illumi hummed, thoughtful, dragging his gaze down Hisoka's front, before he smiled and went back to his food. 

Crack. Crack. Crack . Hisoka swallowed heavily.

Another arresting look thrown his way, and Illumi said, “I will leave you with enough souvenirs to get you through the ten days, I promise.”

Hisoka sat there with his lobster cutlery, looking about as prepared as a man who had brought a knife to a gunfight. How the hell was he supposed to get through dinner or the rest of the evening when only a handful of words now had him half-hard in the middle of a packed, high-end restaurant? And he was pretty sure that, even with the tablecloth obstructing his view, Illumi already knew. Peachy .

“Are you not eating?” the man across inquired, suddenly sounding very earnest. “We can order something else if you don't like it.”

Hisoka cleared his throat – again – and said, “Uhm. That's not it. I've actually never had lobster before. How do I start?”

“Oh.” Illumi said, dropping what remained of his teasing attitude but taking Hisoka's question as enough of an excuse to move his chair next to his. “I'll show you.”

-

Hisoka decided that lobster was definitely not worth its money. Too much work, even with a gorgeous man showing you how to get the most out of it, and they had to order several side dishes afterwards to get Hisoka to actually not feel hungry anymore. But at least the hassle over that had kept his body from going full horny-mode, so once they'd finished dinner, they made their way back to the car without a walk of shame.

Only a few minutes later, they stopped in front of an imposing building with an eye-catching but overall quite simple neon reclam out front, marking it as a sex shop. Since there weren’t any other signs on the house, but it was lit-up to the highest story, Hisoka came to the conclusion that all of the floors held kinky fun in store. As the automatic doors gave way to the first level, Hisoka quickly realised that the inside looked unlike anything he had ever shopped at, and he looked around with wonder in his eyes. 

So this was where the elite bought everything, huh? Online shops apparently hadn’t killed all the local businesses.

He immediately knew why it was Illumi's favourite: The shop was a pristine, tastefully arranged space, giving off the vibe of a luxurious boutique, not the usual gaudiness or grubbiness you'd expect from establishments like these in some less well-off areas. None of the items here cost anything below three digits, and apparently it had enough business to be open around the clock. Even at this time of the evening, there were several customers perusing the displays and many shelves. 

The shop also immediately received several green flags in terms of inclusivity. You could just tell that the owners were queer, providing everything from literature on kinks, sexuality and gender, to items specifically made for gender-non-conforming people, by gender-non-conforming people. There was also a bulletin board near the entrance that held flyers and posters for kinky mixer events and parties, several clubs, shibari courses, self-help-groups and numbers of local LGBTQ+ centres. It was strangely wholesome. Hisoka felt safe here.

What was more, Illumi was very obviously a regular, because one of the clerks excitedly waved to him from behind the counter as soon as he entered and then approached the both of them. Their gaze lingered on Hisoka for a moment before addressing Illumi with a smile that went beyond politeness, “Welcome back, Mister Zoldyck, it’s so good to see you again. What can I help you with today?”

“Good evening,” Illumi replied, very clearly only polite, “Which floor are the collars on again?”

Another glimpse from the clerk to Hisoka before they said, “Floor four.”

“Is Nat here tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.” Illumi led the way to an elevator and Hisoka followed, still taking in the countless goods as they went. Once they'd turned around in the tiny metal room to face the doors, he noticed the clerk still looking after them with big eyes until the doors closed. Hisoka raised an eyebrow, and opened his mouth with a soft inhale--

“I'm usually alone when I come here,” Illumi said before Hisoka could ask his question. “They have been curious about who my sub might be for a while now. I guess they weren't expecting me to bring you here.”

That made Hisoka smirk. “Did we just ruin the mystery surrounding your sex life?” The thought had never come to mind before, but perhaps it was fair to say that Illumi had some sort of persona in public, too.

Illumi chuckled. “Maybe so. But I don't mind. It feels good having you with me like this, and being able to let others know, even if it's just in this store.”

Hisoka hummed with a grin, unable to contain his pride about being seen with the other man in that context, being recognised as his , out here in the real world, and was suddenly all the more giddy about receiving a permanent and even more visible reminder about who he belonged to.

The elevator dinged and gave way to a well-stocked section of collars, jewellery, piercings, body chains, harnesses, and every other kind of metal or leather-based accessory. This floor looked all the more like an atelier, and Hisoka saw that many of the pieces displayed here were handmade and one of a kind. Accordingly, the prices were quite high. Hisoka briefly wondered if there was a fashion section as well, somewhere he could exhibit or even sell his more kinky creations at. He filed the thought away for later.

The clerk here was a small, pierced and heavily tattooed woman. She wore her hair in a bleach-blonde pixie cut, and aubergine-coloured overalls, and she, too, greeted Illumi as soon as she saw him. As they drew closer, she abandoned her current piece on the workbench-like counter – a beautiful silver necklace with a strip of embossed leather in the back and a sturdy ring in front. She'd been in the process of placing gemstones into the associated dents in the leather. Her name tag read Nat, and Hisoka immediately liked her. And her highlighter yellow eyeliner.

With an accent he couldn't place, she said, “Hiya, Mistah Zoldyck!” and, looking at Hisoka, who waved back and smiled, “And hi, handsome stranger!” before returning her attention to Illumi, leaning on the counter, “Haven't seen ya pretty face inna while. Watcha need?”

Illumi gestured towards Hisoka. “A day collar. Customised. Can you get started right away?”

She looked at the choker she'd been working on up until now and raised a thick eyebrow. “Ya do realise you're not my only customer, right?”

“I'm aware, and I'm sorry to ambush you like this, but it's kind of urgent.” Hearing their contrasting ways of speaking and their clashing accents made Hisoka grin. As did Illumi's business-like speech, only barely hiding the almost childlike and desire-fuelled need that lay directly underneath. He was so cute when he let that side shine through.

She rubbed a gloved hand over her face. “Ya said that last time, too.”

“I can-”

“Pay double, yah, I know.” She rolled her eyes, but then regarded Illumi for a few seconds before her eyes wandered along Hisoka's form and she sighed. “If I have the materials ya wan' here, I can get started right away. As long as ya don't ask for something as outrageous as hand-dyed teal leather again...”

Wait- … Hisoka raised his eyebrows at the description of what matched their session collar, and he thought he saw the tips of Illumi's ears tint pink. He had been aware that the collar had been custom-made – that much had been visible from a single glance – but the fact that it had apparently been made solely for Hisoka to wear was news to him. And the thought of the ever-composed Illumi rushing into this very store, this very department to commission this very woman with an express order before their first session was both incredibly hot and wildly amusing to Hisoka.

He snorted behind his hand and then quickly averted his gaze when his dom shot him a dangerous look that did nothing to stifle Hisoka's broad grin.

He had time to regret his insolence later.

“Well, it made for quite the nice touch,” Hisoka said in hist most charming tone of voice, and Illumi's face softened just a bit, “I can see how Illumi thought it was absolutely necessary. Makes the collar very special to the both of us.” He reached out to take Nat's hand. “Wonderful work, by the way. I’m a big fan.”

She shook his hand heartily. “Ain't that nice to hear! More where that came from. As long as Mistah fancy-pants over here can keep his wishes in alignment with what I have in stock.”

Upon returning his gaze to Nat, Illumi said, “Something as extraordinary won't be necessary this time. I was thinking gold.”

Ever the observant one... Hisoka silently nodded his approval, wearing gilded jewellery even now.

“Solid or plated?” Nat inquired.

“Solid,” Illumi said in a tone that held an unspoken addition of obviously. And that was all she needed to hear to abandon her other work in progress, dollar signs in her eyes. Hisoka couldn't blame her. He suspected that people like Illumi were probably her favourite type of customer, even if they made demands with a tight deadline like this.

“Take a seat, gentlemen.” She gestured to a cosy-looking couch framing a low table close to the counter. “I'll get the options from the back.” Both men took a seat and were soon presented with countless variations of different parts of the future day collar: first many types of gold-chains, then pendants – rings and triangles and hearts and locks and whatnot – and then even more possible additions and details like gems, as well all the fastener options they could do.

Hisoka now understood what Illumi had meant back at the restaurant about him never having to take it off again, because one of the options was to wield the fastener shut around the sub's neck – permanently. In the end, they decided on a hex-lock, and navigated their way through the rest of the many possibilities surprisingly quickly because they both knew exactly what they wanted. Illumi earned about a thousand extra points, because he'd paid quite close attention to what Hisoka liked and wore in his day-to-day life.

In contrast to the session collar, what they ended up with was, despite its overall opulence, extremely subtle in its kinkiness. It almost looked like a normal piece of jewellery, indistinguishable from Hisoka's usual choice of accessory.

A simple, delicate-looking but quite sturdy – and heavy – gold chain with a hollowed heart-shape instead of a ring in front, and a stylised pin pendant that dangled from its sharp tip. Additionally, the heart held tiny rings of white and rose gold in different intervals – a morse code that spelled “mine”. It had been Illumi's suggestion, and needless to say, Hisoka was heads over heels over the idea and had immediately agreed.

Nat showed them the finished design via a tablet. “Watcha think?”

Illumi zoomed in, taking in all the details, looking at their selected materials on the table again, and then at Hisoka. “Is that alright with you?”

His sub smirked, his eyes sparkling like it was Christmas morning. “Quite alright, thank you” he said, barely able to contain his excitement any longer, with probably the most intense heart-eyes he'd ever made at the other man. Illumi lowered his eyebrows with a warm smile.

“Alright,” he said, eyes dipping to Hisoka's lips.

“Alright!” Nat repeated, a little louder than the sultry half-whispers the men had dropped their voices to. She handed Illumi a tape measure, and after they'd gotten the numbers she needed – Hisoka wanted the collar to be short and tight, visible no matter what he wore, and perceptible whenever he took a deeper breath – she gathered the selected materials and retreated back to behind the counter to work her magic, like some sort of kinky fairy godmother.

“Feel free to look at the rest of the shop while ya wait. I'll call ya via the system once I'm done.” She gestured to the loudspeakers fixed on the high ceiling, currently playing soft music.

“Thank you, Nat~” Hisoka said in his unfiltered, happy sing-song of a voice. Illumi echoed his statement and then stood up. Hisoka joined him, straightening his jacket. “Do they have a fashion section here?”

Illumi smiled. “Floor three.” And Hisoka let out a little squeal, momentarily reminding himself of Alluka as he did. 

“I want to see everything .”

“We better start right away then. She works quickly.” And with that, his dom put an arm around his waist and led him back to the elevator doors.

-

After working themselves through floors six and five, pocketing various fun toys along the way – Hisoka had spotted hand-made grinders and immediately bought one for Illumi with his own money, because hey, who said he couldn’t spoil his dom on their date, too? – they found themselves in the world of luxurious erotic fashion and fetish gear on floor three. 

Hisoka's eyes went wide, and he moved with fast steps into the space to get a look at everything right away. His hands reached out to feel the different materials of all that was displayed, mentally taking notes of the designs he liked the most, and he snatched a few pictures with his phone as well. Everything here was incredibly high-quality, and many unique pieces caught his eye. He pocketed a few business cards listing the designers' information, set on stalking their social media later. 

This shop was such a refreshing experience, because the fashion that was for sale here vastly differed from the same three sets of the cheaply mass-produced sexy nurse, cheeky maid and naughty nun outfit you'd find in any other sex shop. 

No, these pieces were art and Hisoka deeply appreciated it. 

The PVC and latex selection in particular was something out of his wildest dreams. Illumi let him roam, carrying the bag that held their other purchases, a small smile ever-present on his lips. He stayed close but didn't interrupt Hisoka as he rummaged through everything, checking the price tags, too.

“You can take something home if you want to,” Illumi said.

“All I need to take home with me is inspiration,” Hisoka grinned back, and then tilted his head playfully with a cheeky wink, “But let me know if you see something you like.”

Immediately in on their game, Illumi replied with, “Mm. I do have my eyes on something I'm definitely taking home with me.” He stepped closer to Hisoka, right into his personal space, and then, out of nowhere, put latex bunny ears on his head. “But these are nice, too.”

Hisoka blinked up and made a thoughtful sound.

“Didn't take you for a bunny suit type of man...”

Illumi shrugged, “It’s a classic for a reason. I'm sure you would put your fun little twist to it if you made one yourself… Not to mention that it would look great on you.”

“Can't argue with that.” Hisoka took the ears off and looked at them, observing how they’d been constructed, before returning them to the mannequin that held the matching suit, taking that in, too. Another project to add to the list, but it shouldn't take him more than half a day if he really put his mind to it. His dom asked for things for himself very infrequently, so whenever he did, Hisoka didn't want to pass up his wishes. 

And he had to fill ten days with something , after all. 

Bunny suit it is. Soon.

When he looked up again, he saw that Illumi's gaze had wandered behind him. Hisoka followed it and turned, spotting two people standing close-by, looking at the assortment of under-bust corsets, having a calm discussion, going back and forth between options.

“I know them from my shibari classes,” Illumi said, and before Hisoka could even start to wonder if Illumi was teaching or just visiting these classes, he added, “Do you mind if I go say hello?”

“Not at all,” Hisoka said, assuming the other man would just leave him to look at the goods by himself, but instead, Illumi took his hand and pulled him with him towards his acquaintances.

“I want to introduce you. They're friends.”

“Oh, okay.” Hisoka was a little overwhelmed – ew, social interaction – but he let himself get pulled towards the two other people anyway. It surely couldn't be worse than brunch, and if it made Illumi happy, sure, why not. Maybe the other man wanted to show him off again, introduce him as his official sub, which was a tempting prospect. For that, Hisoka could endure a little small talk.

The woman was tiny – she barely reached up to Hisoka's chest – and had her hot pink hair in a fluffy ponytail. The man next to her was somehow even smaller and sported a thick turtle-neck sweater despite it being the middle of summer. Illumi came to a stop right behind them and Hisoka fell back a bit, not wanting to impose right away. 

“Still looking for a corset that's up to your standards, I see,” Illumi said, and the others turned around, briefly looking confused, and then surprised. Illumi smiled, “I didn't expect to meet you here. Good evening.”

“Oh, it’s you! Hi, haven't seen you in a hot minute,” the young woman said, and the man nodded and mumbled a barely audible greeting. You could easily hear the smiles in their voices, and Hisoka thought he knew them from somewhere, but he wasn't sure. Currently, he was politely looking elsewhere, only casting a few wayward glances at them, but Illumi was obscuring most of his view anyway. From what he could glean, they were about his age. 

Maybe fellow students? 

No, there was more to them, wasn't there...? 

Where did he know them from??

After exchanging some small talk about each other’s current lives, Illumi took a step aside, gesturing to Hisoka to introduce him.

Now he could have a good look at them, and vice versa – and as soon as their eyes met, clear recognition instantaneously spread on all three of their faces.

Oh.

OH.

He remembered now.

Machi and Feitan.

Chrollo's friends.

Hisoka's smile froze.

“You,” Machi said, her expression and voice immediately turning sour. Feitan looked similarly pissed. Scratch that. In actuality, Feitan looked more like he wanted to stab Hisoka on the spot – he hadn't liked him to begin with, even when he'd been dating Chrollo, but things had taken a turn for the worse ever since their breakup, and he was pretty sure the smaller man wanted him dead. And Machi – oof, she was a whole other can of worms.

“Hi~” Hisoka said, voice and expression a perfect performance, uncomfortable to a point his persona immediately took over to keep face. “What are the odds, huh?”

“Ugh. Illumi, what are you doing with that creep?” Machi said. Then, her expression changed from anger to shock, to near-disgust when she spotted their joined hands. “God no, don't tell me-...”

Illumi blinked, looking up at Hisoka. “Oh, you all know each other?”

“Superficially,” Hisoka cooed, his smile tight.

Machi crossed her arms. “'Is that what you'd call it? We hung out almost every week for more than half a year while you dated Chrollo. We went on trips together.”

And I ate you out on stream several times before I ever even met Chrollo , Hisoka added in thought. It had been nothing but a fun little fling with no strings attached, and Machi's face had been out of frame anyway, but they had still agreed on never mentioning their involvement to anyone out loud. So far, neither of them had broken their promise. She hadn't minded him dating Chrollo as far as he knew, but Hisoka was aware that she had never been fond of him either. Now, he was sure, she hated his guts.

Illumi pulled his attention again, his eyes going a little more round. “You dated Chrollo ? Chrollo Lucilfer.”

“Uhh, yeah,” Hisoka confessed, then raised his brows, “Wait, you know him, too??”

“Superficially, through our mutual friends,” Illumi said, gesturing towards the two people who were very clearly ready to burn Hisoka at the stake. “But we didn't really connect.” Illumi looked around the shop, “Our interests don't align.”

Yeah, no shit. You get it.

“How did you end up-” If possible, Illumi's eyes went even rounder and bigger. “Wait, was he the guy from the party? The one who 'inspired' you? The one you repeatedly called 'outrageously attractive'?” There was a clear indication that Illumi didn't agree with any of these sentiments.

Hisoka's cheeks coloured and he cleared his throat, sometimes wishing that Illumi didn't remember every single detail about him and his streams, and what he'd said in them when he put on a show. His over-exaggerations seemed a bit ridiculous in hindsight. 

“Maybe I was a little drunk that night.” And lonely. And definitely horny. The bar hadn't been raised by you yet, so I took what I could get.

Illumi let out a short, breathless chuckle, looking amused. If he knew Chrollo in real life, he could now probably also see right through Hisoka's many lies on stream throughout the time of their relationship – he'd talked about Chrollo like he was a sex god when in reality he'd been anything but. Illumi's voice was almost close to a tease when he continued, “He's such a shy and conservative young man.” So very clearly not kinky at all, I know. Don't rub it in. “I'm very surprised you even approached him. Maybe I don't know your tastes, after all.”

“Oh trust me, you do.”

Illumi hummed, lowering his eyelids suggestively, which caused Machi to say, “Oh fuck, you guys are already deep in it, huh?” in an irritated tone of voice.

A fourth voice interrupted their little side-conversation further, “Please tell me this piece of shit isn't your new submissive.” That was Feitan speaking.

Illumi's good mood seemed to drop like a stone. So did his voice, and the words were suddenly very sharp. “Don't call him that.” His face was still neutral, but he lifted his chin a bit when he added, “And yes, he is.”

Both of the others scoffed. Machi rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Illumi, you know I respect you, but you have terrible taste in men.” She let out an exasperated exhale when Illumi didn't react to the unflattering comment at all. “I know he's pretty to look at, but that's all for show. I want you to be aware of the reputation he has on campus. He's fucked half of the student body already.” Illumi just raised a single eyebrow, as if to ask ‘ so what? ’. Hisoka being quite active in that regard wasn’t any news to him.

Machi continued, “I have several friends who had a run-in with him, and all of them regretted it sooner or later.” The corner of Hisoka's mouth twitched, knowing she didn't just speak for her friends. Wow, rude.  

Feitan joined in again, “He's not worth it. You deserve better.”

Machi fixed her gaze on him now, voice dripping with bitterness, “It's always the same. He plays nice to get what he wants and then drops you before you can count to ten. He doesn't care about anyone's feelings.”

Hisoka felt his palms grow sweaty, but his composure remained immaculate, his smile easy, his voice a song, “My, my, Machi, are you slut-shaming me in the middle of a sex shop?”

“Shut up, Hisoka,” both Machi and Feitan said in unison. “And you know it's not about that,” Machi added, “It's about how you treat people in general. Don't think everyone forgets as easily as you. I will never forgive you for what you did to Chrollo.”

“It's not my fault he and I wanted very different things from this relationship.”

“You were never upfront about these things until you decided to break his fucking heart with them, jerk! You just used him and I know you don't care, but he really liked you.”

Hisoka wanted to make a sassy comment about Chrollo falling for him out of reflex, but he said nothing. Because one, given the recent circumstances, it felt like hypocrisy. And two, he was suddenly all the more aware that Illumi had never been confronted with this side of him. And that made him nervous.

Machi scoffed over his silence and shook her head. “You didn't even think about what you did for one second, did you?” You probably just started streaming to override the problem and distract yourself.

Something about the true retelling tugged at Hisoka's mind, something he wasn’t able to easily dismiss – the implication that he was unable to care. That he was unable to be loyal, to treat people right, to have actual feelings for someone that went beyond physical attraction. That he couldn't be anything other than a manipulative, lying parasite. And... yeah, sure, he had been. But he had also tried to change after Chrollo, hadn’t he?

Machi now made it sound like he would repeat his mistakes endlessly, deliberately. Just to be cruel. Implying that Illumi, too, was just one of many to Hisoka.

He had never minded the rumours - up until now.

Because if a reputation like that stuck to him, it didn't matter how much he changed. The people around him would still view him the same. Even if most of the conclusions were based on Hisoka's behaviour in the past – something he had started to grow out of – he had to admit how easily it was applicable to his and his dom's current situation if one assumed that he was still the same.

Illumi was spoiling him in every imaginable way, and a few seeds of doubt could very well warp what they had into a picture that made it seem like Hisoka just played along to use him. And maybe it had started out like that, just an opportunistic chance that he'd taken, fully set on remaining the unfeeling, playful husk he called his persona while amassing countless luxuries, but now-…

Well. 

But now what? 

Aren’t you just using him? 

What are you giving back, really?

“At least he’s not denying it,” Feitan commented.

Hisoka’s jaw tightened.

The mask he wore was a shield – but now it felt like a boulder chained to his ankle. The entire conversation served as a reminder that no one would ever believe that someone like him could have honest feelings for someone like Illumi for anything other than his money or his sexual skills.

And if Illumi believed that too--

Hisoka reflexively started to withdraw his hand, to leave the conversation like a beaten man, but it was suddenly squeezed in a firm grip, halting his retreat.

“I appreciate your concern for my well-being,” Illumi said, his voice non-yielding, “But I can make my own decisions. And I chose him.” Hisoka eyes widened. He blinked and looked over. “I'm sure there were more than a few reasons why it didn't work out between Chrollo and Hisoka, none of which should be your or my concern by the way, and while it's admirable that you're so protective of your friend, badmouthing the person who left him isn't a good look on either of you.”

Machi was undeterred. “No badmouthing is necessary with behaviour like his, I'm just retelling facts.”

“He's always behaving around me,” Illumi said calmly.

Machi threw up her hands, “Because he gets what he wants from you!”

“And I get what I want from him. Where is the problem?”

Feitan sighed, and Machi looked like she was about to implode, gesturing wildly at Hisoka, “The problem is I don't think he's good for you! Or anyone! He's a walking red flag and you're acting like you’re colour-blind!” 

Hisoka wanted to leave, not knowing whether the transactional way Illumi described their arrangement or the way Machi was set on painting him as the worst person alive soured his mood more, but he was still tethered to a man who looked like a castle in the middle of a storm, unmoving and proud.

After calming her voice a bit, Machi continued, “I've known you for a while and this – he – can't be what you really want.” Hisoka looked away, not wanting to see Illumi's reaction to that particular statement. “We know what you've-...” ... -been through , Hisoka finished the sentence mentally for her when she didn't continue. Another comparison to Scott. Great.  

She shot him a glance, probably not wanting to bring up the topic of Illumi's ex without being sure if Hisoka was in on that particular story, before redirecting her gaze towards Illumi again, “All I know is, he hurts people, often on purpose, and I don't want you to go through that because that dick is leading you on.”

“We're not dating, so he cannot lead me on. And I'm not like Chrollo, not in any way. Everything that matters to Hisoka and me, we've talked through in detail and documented in our contract. We both know where we stand and what we want from this. Not that I need your approval, but just to ease your mind.” Neither Feitan nor Machi looked particularly persuaded. “Once again, I thank you for your concern but it’s none of your business. I was just excited to introduce him to you, because you know how long I've struggled to find a submissive again. He makes me happy and I was hoping to share that with you, because I thought that you’d understand.” 

That made Hisoka look over, and in the corner of his eye, he saw how Machi's crossed arms relaxed a bit, as did her stern facial expression. She was a softie at heart.

Illumi took a deep breath, letting the words sink in a bit, before he said, matter-of-factly, “You don't have to like Hisoka, but I want you to treat him with basic human respect. Maybe next time we can talk again as friends, but as long as you're meeting him with this amount of open hostility, I have no desire to have a conversation with either of you again.”

Hisoka's jaw dropped. In his entire life, no one had ever stood up for him like that. Had chosen him over someone else. Machi and Feitan looked equally shocked, and she already opened her mouth to retort, but then Nat's voice came over the speakers, bringing the entire conversation to a halt. “Order pickup for Mistah Zoldyck on level four, I repeat, order pickup for Mistah Zoldyck on level four.”

Illumi looked up at Hisoka. “Let's go.” Without saying goodbye to the others, but bowing nonetheless, Illumi turned and left, and pulled Hisoka with him. In front of the elevator doors, out of earshot from the others, he let out a quiet exhale.

“Are you okay?” Hisoka asked. The other man stared at the steel in front of them.

“Sometimes I really wish... people would stop assuming what's best for me.”

“Even if they're friends?”

“ Especially if they're friends. It’s like you make one mistake and suddenly everyone thinks you’re incapable of making any reasonable decisions.”

Hisoka was silent for a few moments, lost in thought. It was long enough of a pause for Illumi to look up at him and say, “I'm sorry they talked to you this way. I usually know them as very open-minded people. I wasn't aware you had history. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have…”

“I know, it’s okay.” Hisoka watched the number on the display above the elevator doors decrease until they displayed a three. Keeping silent about his many thoughts didn’t seem right this time. It felt good that Illumi had stood up for him, but he didn’t want him to risk friendships for being with him. Especially when he didn’t have the full picture.

Being chosen blindly didn’t feel good. Or right. So Hisoka took the plunge into the ice water, a leap of faith.

“I know you want to dismiss what they’ve said but... they have a point, you know? Machi didn't lie or exaggerate. I did-... treat Chrollo like shit. On purpose. I just wanted him to leave at some point.”

Illumi looked at him wordlessly and Hisoka didn’t dare return his gaze. “I appreciate your honesty.” The doors dinged and welcomed them inside. “Can I ask why you broke up?”

Hisoka shrugged and continued to avert his eyes as best as he could in the tiny metal box. “Bad sex, mostly,” he mumbled after a long stretch of silence, feeling almost ashamed about himself. “And... I think he loved me, but I didn't feel the same.” I used that against him, in fact. I weaponized it. “I was just physically attracted to him but I... never told him that when we started dating.”

The elevator felt oppressive and stuffy.

Hisoka was fully convinced Illumi would now finally turn against him, look at him with disdain upon discovering his ugly, shallow side, and see him for the horrible person he was to anyone but him, but all he heard from the other man was, “That's a valid reason.”

Hisoka glanced over, surprised. Illumi had a contemplative expression on his face that was neither good nor bad, neither support nor rejection. “Can I ask why you started dating him if you didn't have feelings for him? Why not just have a one night stand?”

“He wouldn't have said yes to that.”

“You're probably right,” Illumi said, and then waited for Hisoka to answer his other question.

“I think... I just wanted something different from my usual short-lived streaming partners, and Chrollo happened to be there.” Oh god, that sounds terrible. The words left a bitter aftertaste on his tongue, peeling away layer after layer of the pretty facade, giving way to the cruel stone underneath. “I was in the mood for a longer fling for a change. I didn't expect it to become something so serious. I didn’t even… want that, in fact.” After every sentence he wanted to say, But I'm different now. And it's different with you. But what instead bubbled out was “For him, it was very romantic, but in my eyes it was more...”, he fished for the word, and he knew it was the final nail in the coffin as soon as it passed his lips, “casual.” 

There was a moment of silence.

With a neutral face still, Illumi said, “I see. You and I are very different people in that regard.”

The sentence sucked all air out of Hisoka’s lungs, and he knew he had just launched his romantic chances with his dom straight into the fucking sun.

Because Illumi didn’t do casual when it came to dating.

Because Illumi didn’t know Hisoka had feelings for him.

Because Hisoka didn’t know how to proceed from here, now that he was laid bare.

Shit.

The elevator doors dinged and Illumi stepped out of it. Hisoka looked at the other man’s back and followed him after a brief moment of hesitation. 

“It makes sense now,” Illumi said, his tone unexpectedly light.

“What does?” Hisoka asked warily.

“Your hard no to romance. You tried out something new and it backfired, because Chrollo and you couldn't meet each other's needs. It must have been quite overwhelming and scary when it didn't work out.”

Scary?  

Hisoka had never thought about it that way. But when he looked back at it now, the crushing weight of Chrollo's one-sided feelings really did give a name to that discomfort he had felt every time he'd received kind words, romantic gestures or even presents from him. Of course, his persona had enjoyed all of these gestures. Flush_Of_Hearts deserved to be spoiled. But Hisoka ...

He'd thought of Chrollo as pathetic for falling in love and expressing it, for thinking sex and love were intertwined, because it had reminded him of his younger self. Before his first brush with a toxic shade of romance had turned him into a cynical bastard who buried his feelings by fucking semi-strangers and forcefully driving everyone away who dared to get too close. The one who hid behind an unfeeling persona that everyone wanted to get a piece of.

Because if you were loved , you were powerful.

But if you loved , you were vulnerable and easily manipulated.

He knew from first-hand experience. He had never experienced something that was mutual. And he had taken advantage of the twisted, unhealthy dynamic he was familiar with time and time again to never find himself in the second position again.

So of course, he had seen Chrollo's untainted feelings, and had felt no desire to share them – he had just wanted to corrupt him, turn him as misanthropic as him, drag him down with him to keep him for as long as he was entertaining. To justify his own behaviour, to feel powerful and less alone, and keep what he thought was freedom when really, it just meant dooming himself and another person to a prison of endless, empty charades.

Because everything else would have been too scary.

Up until now, he hadn't reflected that much about himself, others, the world. Hadn't reflected on the way he coped and where his tantrums and flippant emotions came from. Chrollo had never had a chance to pull him out of his shell, to get to know the real him. Because Hisoka had shut himself off from the beginning, and he never ever would have let him in. They had been doomed from the start.

And Illumi had understood all of this, from a handful of very unflattering sentences coming from Machi, Hisoka’s confession, and a few months spent by his side – and had decided not to judge. 

Talk about overwhelming...

“I guess so...” Hisoka said, almost to himself. He looked at the other man. Illumi cocked his head, not having moved even one step away. “...but I learned a lot from it, so it wasn't all bad? I'm still learning a lot about how to... be , generally speaking, if that makes any sense.”

“Mm,” Illumi agreed. He took his hand again, easily. “From my experience, that's what your twenties are all about.”

Hisoka rolled his eyes. “You sound like an old man. You haven't even finished them yourself yet.”

“Oh, I'm aware. I’m just saying that you're not the only one changing.” 

“Oh.” Hisoka was unsure what that was supposed to mean, exactly, but Illumi didn’t elaborate further. 

One of his fingers smoothed along the side of Hisoka's. “Regarding your experiences in the past... I wasn't there for them, so it's not really my place to say this, but I get the feeling you've changed quite a lot in the past few months alone. At least ever since we've gotten to know each other.”

“Is that a good thing? I’m sure I’m quite different from what you imagined me to be…”

Illumi laughed, as if Hisoka had said something very silly, “I've enjoyed you in your streams before I ever met you, and I enjoy you now.” 

Hisoka was sure that the other man couldn’t possibly be aware of how much these words meant to him. He smiled and searched the black eyes across, not averting his gaze even when shyness warmed his features. 

He'd been worried about nothing again, hadn't he? 

His persona had never really been a hurdle for a man like Illumi. And neither had his true self. A man like him didn’t pay rumours any mind.

Hisoka still couldn't believe how lucky he was to encounter this much empathy and patience when really, in his own eyes and in those of many others, he didn't deserve any of it. But maybe he was slowly growing into someone who did. 

Illumi went on, “It's not about how I see your change, though. It's about you. So you tell me, do you think it’s a good thing?”

Hisoka looked at the man who had done the impossible: get him to talk openly about his thoughts, wants and needs, even some of his feelings. The one who was about to dress him in his day-collar, who consistently said yes to him, all shades of him, despite all of their jarring differences. Illumi had managed to do in a few months what no one had been able to do in all of his life – he'd made him feel safe enough to be himself.

Hisoka didn't know what the future held for him, for either of them, but he knew one thing looking back on the time he had spent with Illumi. With full confidence, he said, “I'm sure it is.”

-

On the car-ride back to their apartment, Hisoka couldn't stop touching or looking at his new collar. Nat had done a fantastic job. It sat proudly in the dip of his clavicle, very much visible for all of the world to see, and its pleasant weight was a constant reassurance. No one could take this away from him. At least not without the help of the tiny, golden hexagonal key that had been handed to and then pocketed by Illumi.

After the car had been parked in its assigned place, and once they'd made it all the way up to their home, it was close to midnight.

When Illumi had first suggested a session, Hisoka hadn't considered how late they would return, and everything that would happen in between. Illumi had had a long day of work, and, assuming that the full day of travel tomorrow as well as the ten day business trip would be anything but relaxing, Hisoka found himself asking, “Are you sure you still want to play?”

But his dom just smiled as he took off his shoes, and then stretched his back, popping a few joints. “Have you changed your mind about the marks?”

“No,” Hisoka said as he got both of them something to drink from the kitchen, “I just thought you might want to rest.” He handed Illumi his glass and they both took a few gulps.

“I can sleep on the plane, and I'm not really tired yet, so don't worry. I've been looking forward to the session.” After a beat of silence, he added, “But it's really up to you.”

“I want to.” I always want to.

“Then we should.” Illumi gestured towards the bedroom, and Hisoka took the invitation. They both freshened up a bit in the adjacent bathroom and upon returning, his dom opened up the bed, and started by adding their latest purchases to the existing collection. Then he methodically took everything out he deemed necessary.

Hisoka stood by and watched as he put several neatly wound up ropes on the side table by the armchair, as well as an assortment of whips, a paddle, a riding crop and– … a ruler. Illumi tested each one before making his decision of using them or storing them away again – the sound of each material cracking on his palm made Hisoka’s muscles jump and brought goosebumps to his entire body. He spotted him grabbing a ball gag, too, and excitement rushed into his veins.

Pulling his hair back into a high ponytail that made him look all the more stern, Illumi turned towards him with his collar in hand. “Come here.”

Already highly intrigued, Hisoka did, and let the other man put it around his neck and fasten the lock in the back. It came to rest right above his shiny new day collar. A steady hand pressed against his chest, and the other man's lightless eyes blinked up at him, demanding his full attention.

“I'll mark you tonight, as requested. It'll hurt. Are you ready for that?”

“Yes Sir, I am,” Hisoka said, promptly. He had asked for it, after all, and admittedly, the fact that it wasn't punishment relaxed him quite a lot and turned the prospect of pain into something much more auspicious. 

Would the placement of the strikes and method in which they were delivered be different?

Would he be praised instead of reprimanded?

Would the amount of pain differ from last time?

“You remember your safewords, verbal and non-verbal?”

“I do.”

“Very good. Then let's get started.” Illumi placed a chaste kiss to his jaw and then made his way back to the velvet armchair, taking a seat. “Strip for me.” 

A grin spread on Hisoka's lips.

“With pleasure.”

As much as Hisoka just wanted to get naked right then and there – his record time was eight seconds – he only tossed his jacket aside and then peeled himself out of his clothes deliberately slowly, giving Illumi a nice show. He almost did a little tease, turning this way and that, acting like every inch of revealed skin was something to behold. A little bit of foreplay could never hurt, and he still had been waiting to unveil a certain surprise to his dom all evening.

As he unbuttoned his shirt, his back to the other man, the hem of a pristinely white garter belt soon came into view, sitting on Hisoka's slim waist. It had corset-like details in the back, and invited the eye to travel further down, where a hint of the matching panties already peaked over the edge of his pants. 

Shooting a look over his shoulder, he saw the exact moment the getup was spotted by the other man, because Illumi's lips parted ever so slightly, his eyes fixed on the piece of fabric. The tip of his foot jerked, like he wanted to get out of the chair and rip the remaining clothes obstructing his view right off of his sub’s body.

Hisoka hummed with a cocky grin, pushing his pants down over his hips, making sure to bend down low as he did to show off his ass, revealing the next surprise in the process. The thigh-highs were another clear hit with his audience of one. As he turned to face the other man again, he saw Illumi swallow, completely unable to avert his gaze. 

Bingo~

Ever since signing the contract, Hisoka had grown more comfortable playing with their power dynamic like that, finding ways to get control over Illumi's composure – and then cause a lack thereof. It had proven to be lots of fun so far, even if it wasn't always successful.

Hisoka made a step towards the other man, stretching his long fingers over the fabric of the garter belt, as if to take it off. 

“Keep it on,” Illumi said, his voice calm but doing nothing to refute the slight blush on his cheeks. He pushed the matching footrest of the armchair between his own legs, uncrossing and spreading them now. “Take a seat with your back towards me.”

“Yes, Sir.” Hisoka sat down and, with Illumi's guidance, bent his arms onto his back. He heard the familiar sound of the rope unwinding and his mind immediately shifted into a calmness he only found within sessions. 

Where nothing but the two of them mattered anymore. 

Illumi systematically bound his arms in immobilising patterns, testing each and every rope for its level of tightness, and often pausing to drag one of his hands along the planes of Hisoka’s back. 

Hisoka's eyes fell closed through it all, every added knot feeling like an everlasting comfort. Illumi turned the collar, so the ring was facing him, and he led the remaining rope through, fastening it, supporting Hisoka's arms in their bent position.

“Tilt your head back for me.” Hisoka did, looking at the ceiling, soon finding the ball gag in his field of vision. He opened his mouth without having to be told, and Illumi made sure the gag was in a steady but safe position before moving on. Hisoka already knew the thing would have him whining and drooling in no time.

Something was placed into his hand, and while he felt along its form, his dom explained to him: “It's a clicker, because I can't see you use your non-verbal safeword from this position. Give it a try.” Hisoka tested it, and Illumi hummed. “One click means yellow, rapid clicking red. Understood?” Hisoka nodded.

“Okay, good.”

Two gentle kisses were placed on each of Hisoka's shoulders, and if his mouth had still been able to, the gesture would've brought a smile to his lips. 

“Such a beautiful back...” Illumi whispered against his skin. He left a few more kisses before straightening again and simultaneously pushed a hand into Hisoka's hair to make him lean forward. “It would be a shame to leave it completely unmarked.” The softness of his dom's lips was soon replaced by the leather tip of a riding crop wandering along his upper back, and it brought goosebumps to the entirety of his body. 

“Stay like this, baby.” Hisoka closed his eyes again and gave an obedient nod.

The first smack was relatively tame, simply to gauge his reaction and get a feel for his pain tolerance in this area. He barely even flinched, letting out a low hum. The soothing stroke of leather on his skin immediately returned, but he knew better by now than to let himself get lulled into a false sense of security. 

The next strike was a lot harder already, and he made a short, pained noise against the gag. The crop felt much different from the strap they had used last time, essentially cumulating the same amount of pain in a much more concentrated area. 

Soothing drags along his neck and shoulders. A hard smack high on his back again, making him wince. Bent over like this with a gag between his lips, saliva was soon dripping from his lips onto his thigh-highs and onto the carpet. He watched his legs jump whenever another hit struck him, and it didn’t even take twenty of them until the stinging pain had him visibly trembling, his noises turning into drawn out whines. 

Illumi knew his limits, and true to his nature as a dom, he kept pushing them, surprising Hisoka with how much he was truly able to endure. His fingers tightened around the clicker more than once, but when Illumi muttered a reassuring “I know, I know…” along his pained whimpers, he willed his hands to relax again. 

Sometimes he lifted his head on instinct, and every time a firm voice accompanied by a steady hand reminded him to stay low, just like he’d been instructed. And for good reason. Despite never doing it himself, Hisoka was aware that hitting someone in a session was precision work. Illumi strictly kept away from the more bony areas, never getting too close to his spine especially, but didn’t hesitate to deliver hard smacks to the more fleshy, muscled upper parts of his torso and his triceps that were safe to hit. 

Whenever he took a longer break from dishing out the strikes, he dragged his hands along the fresh marks, and the ones where Hisoka flinched, he slowly and unrelentingly pressed his fingertips into the skin to deepen the bruise more, making his sub gasp and cry out.

An especially intense strike hit him and Hisoka made a strangled noise against the unforgiving firmness of the gag, finally giving the clicker quick squeeze to signal a yellow light. There was an immediate pause in which he realised how heavily he was panting. 

His back was pulsing with countless, searingly hot areas of pain, making every beat of his heart feel like a miniature hit in and of itself. 

Illumi shushed him softly and placed a tender kiss to his nape, smoothing equally gentle hands along his shoulders, and Hisoka blinked his eyes open, unaware that he’d even closed them. The tip of Illumi’s nose brushed along his cheek and the touch immediately calmed him again.

“You’re doing so well… You took thirty-seven just now. Green to move on to another area?” 

Hisoka nodded, leaning into the touch, hoping to wordlessly communicate that he needed another minute. He was granted an additional soft kiss, this time against his temple, and a hand in his hair, playing with his loose curls. “Go sit on the edge of the bed when you’re ready, facing me.” 

Hisoka nodded again to show that he had understood, and would obey, but still took another handful of moments with his forehead leaned against Illumi’s jaw to collect himself. 

After managing to calm his breathing, he got up and made his way to the assigned place. 

Illumi followed, taking in his already dishevelled form, and then nudged his knees apart, exposing Hisoka’s erection straining against the fabric of the panties. His sub blushed and shifted slightly, not sure why it sometimes still embarrassed him to be seen like this. The golden eyes searched the composed face above, demanding everything and nothing all at once.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get to that,” Illumi said calmly, “as long as you behave. Keep your legs spread. Let me see you.” Hisoka nodded again, fully set on following the order, but he jumped when an unexpected strike hit his pec. 

Illumi had switched to the ruler, bending it in the same way he had done during their very first session. It seemed so long ago now. The familiar smack brought Hisoka back to the time he’d experienced subspace for the first time. His arms had been bound like this too. 

Smack. A pathetic whimper escaped him, underlined by another string of saliva dripping from his chin onto his own chest, already shiny with sweat. Smack . Arching his back and flinching away from the pain but similarly feeling the need to be held down and receiving more made him realise the sweet irony of it all: What had once been used as his first punishment now was something he had explicitly wished for. Wanted more of, even. It had been so hard to let himself and his ego go back then. Not anymore. How quickly things could change– Smack .

“Hisoka.” Smack . “I told you to keep your legs open for me.” Smack . Eyes shut, Hisoka pressed his thighs together more, flinching and whining when another hit struck the delicate skin of his nipple directly. 

“Last warning. Spread them now .” Smack . A muffled cry against the gag. Hisoka wanted to obey, but his body wouldn’t, his legs trembling but still closed. He felt precum dribble down the side of his cock in the constraints of his underwear. He knew what was coming if he disobeyed. Yet he didn’t care– 

Illumi exhaled above before he fisted a hand in his sub’s hair and made him raise his head.

They stared each other down for a long moment, Hisoka’s golden eyes watery while Illumi’s looked unyielding. He tilted his head slightly, appearance tidy and composed. “If you have trouble listening I will make you feel instead.” Hisoka swallowed but nodded, surprised about the fact that he had just willingly invited punishment without an ounce of insolence or stubbornness. Maybe he just wanted to drag this out…

Ruler between his lips, Illumi hooked his hands in the hollow of Hisoka’s knees and pushed them up, essentially throwing him on his back. 

Hisoka wanted to roll over out of reflex but Illumi held him down, hand on his throat, until he stopped squirming. He took the ruler from his mouth again and leaned in, brushing some of Hisoka’s hair from his face with the very same hand. 

No words were needed as their eyes met. The black of Illumi’s irises said, yes, I will punish you if necessary, and you know it’s inevitable, but can trust me to not overdo it. We both play by the same rules. So stop fighting and start accepting what I’m giving you. 

Hisoka stopped resisting, still breathing heavily. Surrendering himself and his well-being to the hands of the man standing above him. 

Illumi’s eyelids lowered a bit – it felt like praise – and he straightened, letting Hisoka go. Guiding one of his sub’s feet to come to rest against his shoulder, he unclipped the stockings from their garter belt holders before carefully rolling them down Hisoka's thighs. 

Hisoka watched him with undivided attention, squirming again as his dom caressed the smooth skin of his inner thigh from the border of the panties’ fabric down to his knee and back up. A simple gesture that showed him just how sensitive his body was in that area. 

“Five on each side,” Illumi said. Hisoka nodded.

His brief surprise over the mildness of the punishment came to an abrupt end when the first smack hit him close to his crotch – the pain was so unexpectedly acute that Hisoka was immediately on the brink of sobbing. Eyes going wide and then screwing shut, he turned his head, pressing his wet chin against his own shoulder. 

Fuck– fuck–

The second strike made him arch off the mattress, his entire leg flinching with it, but Illumi held him so he couldn’t get away. “Stay still.” Hisoka’s dick twitched with the firmness of the voice. 

Illumi waited until his sub stopped writhing and only once their eyes met, he delivered the next hit, always to the most fleshy area of the thigh, never too close to the knee. The loud smack echoed off the walls, followed by strangled, almost choking sobs.

By the time they’d made it through the first half of his punishment, Hisoka was openly crying. And he still had an entire leg to go.

He’d taken forty-four hits last time before he’d broken down– how could five hits feel this intense?

Illumi looked at his sub’s rapidly bruising flesh, making sure to let him feel his naked palms to ground him somewhat. His hands were comparatively cool to the hot, throbbing sensation of the areas that had been hit, and Hisoka welcomed both feelings equally. He’d willingly accept everything he was given. 

As he blinked up he came to find that Illumi’s gaze lingered on the spot of precum staining panties, which almost gave a translucent quality to the fabric, allowing a hint of the pinkish colour of the erection to shine through. His hands still caressed Hisoka’s ruined thigh.

“Five more on the other side, baby. Green?” 

After a long moment of reining in his sobs, Hisoka nodded. Green.  

Illumi eased Hisoka’s foot off of his shoulder, then lifted the other in a similar manner and rolled down the stocking there, too. He placed a kiss on Hisoka's ankle right after leaning his leg against his own front – a little preview of what they would return to after the punishment, and a reminder that was greatly appreciated. 

The whining returned at full force with the sixth and seventh strike coming in rapid succession, and in the overwhelming pain of it all, all Hisoka could think of was how much he was looking forward to seeing the marks later. He just knew they would bloom in the prettiest shades of red, dark purple and blue.

Better than any bouquet–

Another loud smack reverberated through the condo. The tears endlessly streamed down his reddened cheeks, and he couldn’t decide whether the locked eyes with Illumi made matters more intense or helped to keep him from slipping too far. Either way, Hisoka was utterly unable to look away.

His dom suddenly tossed the ruler aside and raised his hand instead, slapping his sub’s inner thigh with his bare palm. 

Hisoka jerked and sobbed, trembling heavily as the pain spiked in a new way now. Even the tenth and last strike didn’t ease up on the relentlessness, and the following wave of euphoria just made him cry more. His legs fell open. The amalgamation of the pain, the rush of adrenaline and then the endorphins felt– so– freeing .

And the cherry on the cake was of course his dom telling him, “Well done.” Hisoka finally allowed himself to close his eyes.

Just as breathing became hard to do with the gag between his lips, the object was removed from his mouth and Illumi placed a soft kiss on the highest point of his cheekbone. “From now on, you will keep them spread if I tell you to, understood?”

“Yes, Sir…” Hisoka hiccuped between two sobs, his hair clinging to his sweat-slick forehead and temples. His mouth and jaw felt marred, and talking hurt. “I’m sorry–and–...thank you…” he said nonetheless.

“Green to move on?”

“Yellow…” Hisoka sighed out breathlessly, “Just a minute, please…”

“Of course.” 

“My hands are tingly…”

“Oh.” Illumi helped him sit up, leaned him against his shoulder and then very quickly removed the shibari from his arms, massaging his wrists, palms, and each one of his fingers, one by one. 

“Better now?” Hisoka nodded, leaning against the other man, tears still rolling down his face, mingling with the saliva that was smeared along his chin and jaw.

In the moment of their break, exhaustion gripped him and his stomach twisted. He had wanted to go for round two, round three, move on from marking to sex that filled up their entire night – but now his thighs shook as the sobering realisation suddenly slammed into him. 

“I… I don’t think I can go on, Sir. I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Illumi said calmly without missing a beat, massaging his arms and helping him bend them to straightness again. “ Thank you for telling me. Let’s call it a day.” 

Hisoka’s brows pinched, resigned. “I don’t want you to leave…” he whispered. Illumi’s hands halted briefly. 

“Me neither,” his dom replied in a low voice, resuming his touches. 

Hisoka took a shaky inhale. “I thought I could take more, … I wanted to, knowing that you will be gone in the morning…”

“It’s okay… you don’t have to take anything right now.” Illumi shifted slightly, so he could pull Hisoka into a hug instead. “These are your limits today, and you’re doing the right thing by sticking to them. I thank you for it. Going above and beyond simply because I’m leaving for a while is not doing anyone any good.” 

Hisoka sniffed, trying to wipe the wetness from his face, but only smearing half-melted makeup into his eyes instead. He grunted and grimaced with the sting of it. 

Illumi used the sleeve of his suit to help him out. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up and into bed.”

-

Hisoka’s fingers fumbled with the pendant of his day-collar. The bath and the lengthy cuddling that had followed as part of the aftercare had helped him to calm down somewhat. At least he’d long stopped crying. His semi-boner remained, though. He still hadn’t come. And he hadn’t touched himself either. He had enough other sensations to keep him distracted from that.

He could feel the bruises on his chest, back and inner thighs pulse with each breath he took and he was sure that his body would remember tonight’s session for a while. He hoped, at least for ten days. 

Currently laying on his side in his half of Illumi’s bed, he watched him pack his suitcase with a heavy heart. A big part of his brain silently added a passport to the list of things to obtain soon while the rest judged him for his clinginess and cursed him for not being able to prolong their session. 

But he truly was too exhausted. He hadn’t gotten much sleep in the past few weeks. Sometimes for some nice, but mostly for much more shitty reasons. And the prospect of the latter now had him feeling restless despite his physical fatigue.

“I wanted to check in with you,” Illumi said, neatly zipping up yet another suit in a dress bag, “and ask if we crossed any limits today. I know pain play is dancing a fine line for you.”

Hisoka willed his tired brain into thinking about it for a while. Then he shook his head. “No.” That wasn’t it. He was just sensitive because he knew he wouldn’t get any more of that for a while. And being tired to this extent always made him feel horrible, in general. It had nothing to do with their session. “It was intense, but never too much,” he reassured.

Illumi made a sound of acknowledgement and calmly added, “Mm. That’s good.” He looked at his stuffed suitcase again, probably mentally checking his list, and then zipped the entire thing shut, promptly rolling it out into the hallway to have it out of sight. Maybe to not wake Hisoka when he left early in the morning. Ugh. Hisoka hated the thought of that. Waking up to find himself alone. He hoped he would at least be sentient enough to enjoy their goodbye kiss.

Illumi returned and joined him in bed, reaching for his sleeping meds but then halted. He blinked over almost owlishly, like he’d just remembered he’d left the stove on.

“...You haven’t cum yet.”

Hisoka gave a half-hearted shrug. Illumi blinked again, confused now, and shuffled under the duvet next to him, coming closer.

“Why didn’t you ask me to let you?”

“You said if I behaved… and since you had to punish me I think it’s fair to say I didn’t.”

“But you took your punishment,” Illumi said, brushing a few strands of hair from Hisoka’s face. “And I want to make you cum.”

Oh? Hisoka blinked, more awake in an instant. Aside from the fact that his dom clearly couldn’t keep himself from spoiling him absolutely rotten – “Are you… suggesting sex outside of a session?”

Illumi shrugged. “Only if you’re comfortable with it.” Black eyes glanced from his day-collar up to meet his gaze instead. 

Sex without a session… Hisoka repeated in his mind, thinking about it for a moment, but quickly realising that both his body and mind didn’t really care about the circumstances when it came to Illumi. He just– wanted . 

“Can I touch you?” Illumi asked. 

“Yes,” Hisoka replied after a short pause, inching closer to the other man, and met him halfway as he leaned in to brush their mouths together.

“Thank you,” Illumi whispered against his lips as he took his face into his hands and pulled him into another kiss, with their tongues touching lazily. It was undeniable that they were both tired, but it still felt so good . Familiar and welcoming, like the bed they were currently laying in. 

After making out for a while – something that never failed to make Hisoka’s heart flutter – they rolled around almost comically as Illumi fished for the bottle of lube on the floor, and Hisoka only barely saved him from falling from the edge of the mattress with a firm hold of his waist.

Upon successfully obtaining the object, Illumi kept laying on top of Hisoka, using the new position to slowly grind along his length. Hisoka’s breathing turned into panting, and soon he was softly moaning, too. The fabric of their clothes provided some nice friction and the other man’s pleasant weight was a welcome sensation. He loved Illumi on top like this.

“How comfortable are you with touch today?” Hisoka sensually whispered against the soft lips close to his.

“Very…” Illumi replied. 

“Where?”

“Almost everywhere…” The words fell from Illumi’s lips as a barely audible sigh, making Hisoka shiver, “As long as there’s no penetration… Go ahead.”

Hisoka’s hands immediately found his dom’s waist again, helping him press down against his hardness just like before. The action pulled another soft noise from Illumi, his now-open hair falling over one of his shoulders. One of his hands still gripped the bottle of lube, the other found purchase in the sheets. He wore the same fevered expression Hisoka recognised as pure arousal: Closed eyes, scrunched brows, lips slightly open. Wonderful, flushed cheeks. 

Hisoka grabbed the other man’s thighs and rolled his hips upwards just as Illumi moved down again, and their voices mingled into a perfect symphony of want and bliss.

One of Illumi’s hands shifted, rubbing over Hisoka’s bruised nipple, causing him to take a hissing inhale and buck up again. In turn, his hands gripped the legs tighter, and for a moment he thought it might be hard enough to leave marks as well, but Illumi’s words pulled his focus again.

“I will miss this… Every part of you,” his dom said as he pinched the soft skin of his pec, intensifying one of the many bruises and Hisoka moaned with it. “So much.”

“I’ll miss you, too…” he gasped in reply, just as Illumi lifted off of him and pulled Hisoka’s sweatpants down to expose his neglected erection, rock-hard and already dribbling again. He opened the lube but his sub pulled him down into another needy kiss. “Can we stay close like this, please?”

“Of course.” Illumi nodded, kissing him again before slowing and pulling away slightly. “I want to try something,” he whispered, as if something had just come to mind. Hisoka watched as Illumi took off his briefs, wetness glistening on his inner thighs. His mouth watered at the sight. 

Lube abandoned on the mattress, Illumi’s hips sank down again, trapping Hisoka’s dick between their bodies, pushed against his own abs. Hisoka nearly lost it right then and there, a strangled groan caught in his throat as the intense sensation shook him.

The hot slick was spread along his length as Illumi moved – glided along, really – tentatively at first, only barely suppressing a moan himself as the head of Hisoka’s cock caught on his clit. Oh god–  

“Is that okay…?” his dom whispered, already sounding breathless. Hisoka nodded enthusiastically. 

“Yes– feels good–” Leagues better than any handjob could have, holy shit.

“U-huh…” Illumi agreed. He was so soft and hot and wet there–

They slotted together again, noses almost touching as they moved together, soon settling into a rhythm. Pleasure overtook Hisoka’s features, his eyes falling half-closed, mesmerised by watching Illumi’s face, not only seeing but feeling how he tensed and shook when their bodies collided in the right way, growing smoother and wetter each time it happened.

He moved in again, softly kissing and nipping at the other man’s lips. Illumi’s free hand closed around his day collar and pulled him even closer, deepening their kiss further. Hisoka was rocking his hips at a leisurely pace, one of his hands pushed up the back of Illumi’s shirt, the other one gently brushing his fingers along the space where Illumi’s hip met his leg, thumb stretched to caress his inner thigh. 

It was all soft and slow – but enough to make them both moan and pant against each other’s mouths, gradually making them fall apart. Illumi kissed the corner of his mouth and used both hands now to massage and pinch along his chest, making Hisoka swallow around a whimper. The other man kept rolling his hips in dizzyingly generous rounds, the position easily enabling him to use his weight to massage from Hisoka’s balls, along his length, all the way to his tip – where they both shuddered each time the most sensitive parts of their bodies met and pressed against each other. 

Precum and slick mingled, causing wet noises with each of their movements now, and Illumi’s shirt was starting to cling to his sweating skin as he arched his back. Hisoka held one side of his face, looking on in awe. Illumi was nothing short of stunning like this – with his rosy lips pressed together, black lashes kissing his flushed cheeks, strands of hair falling into his aroused face – Hisoka had nothing he could compare this sight to. 

Illumi blinked his eyes open, meeting Hisoka’s gaze, and he adjusted the angle of his hips only slightly, yet it was enough to intensify the feeling tenfold and have his sub moan deeply right away, eyes rolling back and fluttering shut. Hisoka was now quickly falling apart, both of his hands gripping Illumi’s shoulders, nails digging in a bit. 

“Ah–Good?” The slight rasp of Illumi’s voice was nearly enough to push Hisoka over the edge, the way it came out as a beautiful, quivering sigh.

He pressed out a nearly incoherent, “Yes– perfect–”, in response.

Illumi kissed along his jaw with a low hum, lying chest to chest with his sub now, gradually increasing the speed of his grinding. It was so intense, so good – Hisoka’s toes curled on the bed, and his dick pulsed – Illumi must’ve felt it, because he made a soft noise against his mouth at the exact same moment, cursing under his breath.

One hand fisted in his red hair. His dom’s trembling lips traced along his pulse, and as they reached the edge of the day-collar, Hisoka found himself saying, “Right there- please– mark me.”

“That’s–ah– still above your neckline…”

Hisoka’s hand shifted almost helplessly, pulling the other man’s hair, pressing him closer, and he begged, “I don’t care, Illu, please, please , it’s okay, just–” 

Illumi bit him, hard , and Hisoka’s following tiny yelp was cut off as the sensation pushed him over the edge. He painted his own abs in white-hot ribbons, and the feeling made him quiver and whine prettily, his peak gradually growing to an intensity that eventually fully overwhelmed him, wiping his mind blank. 

While he was still enraptured by the blissful waves, his free hand shifted down between his dom’s legs, who was still moving, and carefully massaged the pad of his thumb over his slicked, swollen clit. Illumi jerked with the contact, and Hisoka felt the following groan on the other man’s lips and through the teeth embedded in his skin, jaws tightening even further. 

A soft but urgent hand brushed along his arm, to his wrist, and then guided Hisoka’s fingers against his body, who picked up the way his dom wanted to be touched fairly quickly. He adjusted, and then kept moving until Illumi’s own orgasm shook him into stillness only a minute later. His thighs were quivering on either side of Hisoka’s body with the pulses of his climax.

Hisoka closed his eyes, relishing not only in his own sensations, but the way he experienced the other man’s body as well. Tightening, trembling, inhaling and holding that breath, caught up in the peak of it all and then– releasing, softening, melting against his form with a single, shaky exhale. 

Hisoka’s arms snaked around his dom’s middle, hugging him close, trying to hold on to the moment for as long as he could. Like everything tonight, it had been over too quickly. 

He didn’t move as Illumi’s teeth pulled out of his skin again, the softness of an apologetic tongue smoothing over the bite once. 

“Oh–”

“Mh?” 

“You’re bleeding…”

“It’s okay,” Hisoka murmured. “Thank you…” 

Illumi shifted and looked at him, his long hair landing on the pillow next to Hisoka’s head. They were both complete messes, all sweaty and dazed, and the realisation made them both chuckle and lean in, then pulled full-on laughter out of them as their noses gracelessly bumped into each other. 

“I didn’t ask if I could kiss you…”

“Oh please do. If you manage to find the right spot this time,” Hisoka teased with a grin, rubbing his aching nose.

“I would if you held still,” Illumi said, and Hisoka did a playful little salute in lieu of a ‘ Yes sir ’, and then cleared the way as the other man came closer once more.

Their next kiss tasted like copper, yet it was sweet and soft. 

In the comfort of it all, exhaustion caught up to Hisoka again, yet he didn’t want to let go. They only managed to separate once the wetness between their bodies started to cool off and go from feeling nice and slick to damp and filthy-sticky. 

Illumi left the bed and vanished in the bathroom, soon after returning clean, completely naked, and with a warm washcloth in hand, cleaning up Hisoka as well. Upon leering in his usual manner, Hisoka realised his grip had in fact left faint marks on the other man’s skin – there were handprints on his thighs and his waist. They probably wouldn’t last as long as his pretty bruises, but still–

In the time he properly put on his sweatpants again, Illumi fetched a first-aid kit, and then – despite his sub’s weak protests – disinfected the bite, even dressing it with a band-aid. Lastly, he changed into a fresh pair of boxers and a new t-shirt.

“That was the first time we had vanilla sex,” Illumi said, and Hisoka blinked in surprise. Oh. “After a session, but still…” Yeah.  

He watched the other man slip beneath the covers, finally take his medication, and turn off the lights. Hisoka opened his arms, ready to hold Illumi in their usual position, but suddenly found himself being held instead, as Illumi had pulled him against his chest. Momentarily confused, Hisoka’s hands automatically slipped around his dom’s waist, softly caressing his sides. Their legs tangled and shifted this way and that, until they found something comfortable.

So… that had been vanilla sex with Illumi… No session collar, no ropes, no titles, no commands, and still–

“It didn’t feel much different for me…” Hisoka mumbled, more to himself than to Illumi, not really knowing what to do with that realisation. A kiss was planted into his hair.

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” Illumi asked, and Hisoka couldn’t help but smile over the way his dom mirrored his earlier question.

“It’s always good with you…” came the honest reply. He looked up, nosing along Illumi’s chin. “Hand in your hair?”

“Not tonight… I just want to hold you like this.” Illumi suppressed a yawn, his small nose wrinkling adorably with it. “I’ve read that a heavy weight on one’s chest might cause nightmares… so we should switch it up to see if that helps.”

Hisoka let out a small laugh, pretty sure that hadn’t been the reason for any of his nightmares, but he didn’t protest either – if Illumi had done research and clearly only wanted to take care of him, he surely wouldn’t complain. “Okay, let’s try…” 

Being on the receiving end of their hug-sleeping-position was actually pretty nice, and something embedded inside of his heart came to life with being held like this – something locked away even from his own consciousness, yet something he craved on a level so deep it was almost instinctive. 

Probably an early childhood memory , his tired mind conjured.

“Goodnight, Illu,” he mumbled. 

The response tickled his scalp with each syllable. “Goodnight, Hisoka. Sleep well.”

He resumed his relaxed position, ear pressed to Illumi’s chest, having his calm heartbeat and familiar, clean scent slowly but surely lull him into a deep and – hopefully – dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

Hisoka knew it was the worst day ever when he woke up and found himself alone in the condo. Unkissed. He felt that fact to his core, and there were ten more days like this waiting for him. Woo-fucking-hoo.

To his immense disappointment, but exactly as he had predicted, he'd slept through Illumi's departure and now all that was left for him was the consolation prize of bruises scattered on various parts of his body. The sting would soon dull, the lovely colours would fade and Hisoka didn't want any of that to happen before Illumi returned home.

Taking in the empty half of the bed beside him, he let out an unhappy sigh and picked up his phone from one of the night stands. The container of ointment was sitting right there for him, but Hisoka pointedly ignored it and checked his many notifications first, only one really kindling his interest.

Illumi, 5:12 a.m.: [►-------------------- 4:16]

A memo? That was pretty unusual coming from Illumi, but more than welcome considering the current situation. The looming silence of the condo already hung densely over the bed, creeping down from the high ceiling like tar, so in order to not fall victim to its oppressiveness right away, Hisoka pressed play.

“Good morning, Hisoka. I hope you've slept well.” Hiya, traitor, where's my goodbye kiss?

Hisoka could hear the faint sound of the car's engine in the background, and general noises of traffic. Knowing the sight that accompanied those sounds by heart, he could easily picture the other man sitting behind the steering wheel, looking all responsible and concentrated. He was probably wearing a full suit, flight to another continent be damned.

Illumi continued, “I thought about waking you up before leaving but then decided against it.” Hisoka wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Ten days! Ten whole days without any physical contact, Illumi, and you decide against kissing me goodbye?? What the hell is wrong with you sometimes?!

“I know you haven't been sleeping well recently, and you must be exhausted, so I wanted you to rest. Do let me know if the new sleeping position helped with the nightmares.” Hisoka frowned, close to a pout.

Waking up to this is the true nightmare. You have no idea how unintentionally cruel you can be sometimes.

In a wave of dramatic melancholy, he placed the phone on Illumi's pillow and closed his eyes, mourning the memory of his dom lying next to him, talking to him. Carding gentle fingers through his hair. There was a soft chuckle coming from the device now, it almost sounded shy, and behind Hisoka's lids there was a perfect image of the expression that accompanied it. What usually brought him great joy now made his heart feel heavy.

“I still... kind of regret not waking you up.” As. You. Should. “I already miss you.” Hisoka groaned and turned his face into the pillow, his flushing cheeks betraying the anger he was trying to hold on to. This was already torture.

“I've been thinking. To keep you from...” Illumi trailed off. Hisoka glanced over with a raised brow.

Hm? Keep me from... Acting up? Throwing a tantrum? Forging a passport and flying after you so I can kick you in the shin for dooming me to this cruel, unkissed fate?

His dom cleared his throat, deciding to rephrase, “We're both aware of how quickly you grow bored and restless, and we know what happens when you do, so I decided to give you homework for our time apart.”

Hisoka lifted his head a bit. Come again?

“It'll hopefully make time pass a little faster for you.”

O...kay?

“I've checked your schedule for next semester, and the credits you need. It says you'll have to get an internship.”

Hisoka's brows furrowed, the trajectory of where this was going already dawning on him.

“So, here's your first task: I want you to start right away with your applications for that.” Ughh, are you kidding me, it's still my summer br- “I know it's still your summer break, but applying right now will give you a head start, leave a good impression, minimise your competition, and take a lot of stress off your shoulders in the long run. You'll thank me once your exams come around.”

Hisoka rolled his eyes, silently mouthing the 'you'll thank me' part in mockery, and internally cursed himself for asking Illumi to help him with his time management. Who could've known he'd take it so seriously?? … Well, all things considered, Hisoka should've known.

“I want you to have sent at least three until I return.” Three???? “It will force you to finish the current version of your portfolio, too, which is your second task. Feel free to use my office if you need to print out anything. There's a photo printer, too. The cabinet on the left has glossy paper, should you need it. In case you run out, just let our housekeeper know and she'll get you some more. Moving on to task three now--” Wowow, there's still more?? Becoming aware that he wasn't able to hold on to this much information in his tired state, Hisoka scrambled for the notepad in one of the night stands while Illumi kept talking.

“--don't forget to finish Alluka's present. There will most likely not be any time left for you to work on it once I'm back.” Hisoka hastily scribbled down his to-do-list, his handwriting nothing more than a few hen scratches because he was still very groggy.

“The dress is already gorgeous, but I know you're a perfectionist and get lost in the details. It's what makes your work so captivating, but it can also be to your disadvantage. So, in order not to lose sight of what's important this time around, remember to take a step back and look at the overall picture from time to time. You wanted to fix the seams, not rework the entire thing.”

In spite of his sheer and utter frustration over his tragically kiss-less state, a small smile crept onto Hisoka's face. He was once again surprised over the level of attention his dom gave him, even when he was just mindlessly venting, and how he managed to retain that information for such a long period of time. It was in moments like these where Illumi's caring big brother nature truly came shining through.

“My final point-- Well, this is less of a homework and more of a wish from my side.” Hisoka looked up at the phone screen. There was a little more than a minute of the memo left.

“I know we've agreed to just let it come to us naturally, but since that hasn't really happened yet... I want us to get to know each other more, talk more, since we...” There was a soft laugh, and it completely dissipated Hisoka's grievances for a fleeting moment, “Well, we skipped quite a few steps, don't you think? It's hard for us to keep our hands off each other and sometimes our conversations can end quite abruptly because of that.”

...You have a point.

Hisoka too, wanted them to grow closer, share experiences and memories, discover parallels and differences. Maybe try and open up a bit more on his side. Their attraction to each other was undeniable, and the sex came naturally, but if they wanted to truly familiarise themselves on a personal level, they would have to make an effort. He was glad he could rely on Illumi to be more focused than him in that regard. His own brain was all over the place at any given point, and he rarely ever started personal conversations with anyone. He didn't really know how.

“Our phone calls in the next few days are the perfect opportunity for that, I think. So let's just ask each other questions, if you're okay with that. I wanted to mention it now in case you need time to think about it some more.” Small pause. Mandatory annexe: “And if you don't want to, I understand and respect it, it's just something I've been wanting to do for a while, so I would be very happy if you'd agree.” Illumi's words grew a bit stifled towards the end, almost like he forced himself to keep from rambling and letting his anxiety get the better of him. Caring big brother had successfully passed the relay baton to chronic overthinker.

Hisoka knew the exact tone of voice. He could practically hear the way the other man grabbed the steering wheel tighter. If Hisoka was afraid of open talk – Illumi was afraid of making him uncomfortable with his wishes. And the baton goes to...

“Just let me know what you think when you've listened to this.” Ah. True neutral businessman.

The engine turned off. There was the unmistakable, muted whoosh of an airplane's turbine as it took off in the distance. Yet Illumi lingered, and the silence stretched, like he was very much disinclined to conclude his message. Hisoka could not imagine his expression now, but he picked at the bedding, similar feelings spreading in his gut.

Ten days ahead. Eighteen seconds of his favourite man left.

He watched them tick by on the phone screen. If they'd been in the same car, Hisoka knew that Illumi would fill the silence by placing kisses to the corner of his mouth, then his lips, his jaw, give him a proper goodbye--

“Well, alright, I-... I have to go now, father's probably already waiting for me inside. Our flight departs in about ninety minutes. I will message you when we've landed safely, and call you as soon as I can after that. Be good while I'm gone, Hisoka.” No promises. “Goodbye.”

The memo ended.

Hisoka stared at his phone for a moment longer, until the screen turned black by itself, and then pushed his hair out of his face with a sigh.

Okay... okay.

Yeah.

Yep. No problem.

Ignore the crushing silence.

No time to wallow in self-pity or worry about the crash rate of planes.

...What IS the crash rate of planes anyway?

How would I even know if he crashed?

Wait, when will he land again? Ah shit, there's a time difference, too...

Well, first things first--

Hisoka put his phone on loud to not miss any future messages from Illumi, and after a little bit of research learned that, okay, maybe the plane wouldn't crash. Probably. Hopefully. But the other man would definitely have a huge jet lag in the next few days, which – in all honestly – was a fitting penalty for stealing himself away like this, Hisoka decided.

Anyway... now that the logistics were out of the way, an even bigger question came to mind: Would Illumi and Silva get along when they were alone together for a prolonged period of time?

Every interaction Hisoka had witnessed between them so far had been nothing but tense, so he couldn't imagine them working together on a ten day business trip. Illumi was only the substitute for another agent there, right? Did they usually avoid working together because they were aware of the stress they caused each other? The image of both men spending hours upon hours in stoic silence next to each other on a long distance flight made Hisoka second-hand-uncomfortable. So much so that he was once again reminded of how fucking quiet it was in the apartment right now. It was downright nasty. Goosebump-inducing, like the condo had suddenly turned on him and become an alien, hostile thing.

He suppressed a shudder and decided to replay the memo to fill the void – but also, practically-speaking, to make sure he hadn't missed anything. He typed out his responses while listening, and in no time, his own messages littered the chat. To think he'd once worried about double-texting...

Hisoka, 9:02 a.m.: Hey Illu. Have a safe flight!

Hisoka, 9:02 a.m.: Yeah. No heart for you today because I can't believe you didn't wake me for a kiss but gave me homework instead??? I know I'm a bit of a masochist but REALLY???? You better have the best apology in store when you return, Mister.

Hisoka, 9:03 a.m.: (No nightmares though. You had the right idea it seems. Not that that's earning you any plus points rn.)

He rolled onto his back, listened to the rest of the message play out, and then added,

Hisoka, 9:07 a.m.: And yeah we can absolutely ask each other questions during the calls. But just so you know, you would've gained access to a lot more of my dirty secrets if you'd given me a proper goodbye. :P

...That'll show him.

After that was done, Hisoka willed himself out of bed to make himself breakfast. And despite the to-do-list keeping him busy, he also didn't seem to be able to stop texting Illumi throughout the day, even though he knew the other wouldn't receive the texts or be able to answer for some time. Which was a shame because if he'd been available, Hisoka would've loved to give him the cold shoulder and maybe make him crawl for a bit. …Just a little.

Since that wasn't a viable option under the current circumstances – and because he had to begrudgingly admit that he had grown far too soft for this type of banter with this particular man ages ago – he instead sent some pictures of the marks blooming on his skin, as well as his outfit and makeup around noon,

Hisoka, 11:44 a.m.: Decided to wear your colours today~ (Miss you.)

and then another one, of a pile of freshly printed-out pictures for his portfolio,

Hisoka, 3:03 p.m.: That's a lot more than I initially expected but I couldn't possibly choose!!!

Hisoka, 3:04 p.m.: P.S. I might have used up your entire supply of photo paper, whoops. (I'm not sorry.)

as well as his computer screen showing his first attempt at his application late afternoon:

Hisoka, 5:53 p.m.: I hate this. -_- You did this to me.

Twelve messages, pictures included. And he only felt slightly pathetic about it. Keeping Illumi's smile in mind helped a lot. Progress? Yeah, he decided. Progress.

A first response finally came around dinnertime, the notification sound disrupting his music for a brief moment. Hisoka looked up from his laptop, stuck on the third sentence of his application letter because as soon as he had opened the document, he had entirely forgotten who he was and what he could do, so he gladly picked up the phone to have an excuse to stop his unsuccessful attempt.

Illumi, 6:37 p.m.: We've landed.

Hisoka breathed a sigh of relief.

Hisoka 6:38 p.m.: Glad to hear it. ♥

Illumi, 6:39 p.m.: A heart after all, hm?

Hisoka pursed his lips and typed with narrowed eyes.

Hisoka, 6:39 p.m.: Don't let it fool you. It's a cold one and you're only allowed to look at it from very far away. I'm still mad at you for not saying goodbye.

Illumi, 6:39 p.m.: Trust me, I really regret it by now. I will make up for it as soon as I can, for both of our sakes.

Illumi, 6:40 p.m. Remember to take care of your bruises and the bite. I left the ointment on the nightstand for you.

Hisoka wouldn't acknowledge that particular message. He had already decided he wouldn't use that stuff this time around, because it made the bruises fade too quickly, and robbed him of the pain in the process.

He'd let Illumi's following messages slowly push the request out of the visible chat as he went through Hisoka's earlier wall of text. Next, he replied to the picture of the application.

Illumi, 6:42 p.m.: I'm glad to see you took your homework seriously. Keep going, it will get easier with each one, I promise. I'm excited to see everything once you're done, so please make sure to share.

Illumi, 6:43 p.m.: I'm not opposed to rewarding your efforts.

That's the least you can do... Hisoka felt very polite and mature when he sent:

Hisoka, 6:43 p.m.: I like the sound of that~ ♥

Illumi seemed to be working his way from the bottom up, newest to oldest message, because he responded to the selfies next.

Illumi, 6:44 p.m.: My colours suit you quite well, I must say. Both in fabric and on your skin. Thank you for the pictures.

I knew you'd like seeing me marked as yours... Grinning from ear to ear, ready to get his daily fill of teasing and flirting, Hisoka was in the process of typing “More where that came from” when suddenly another message popped up.

Illumi 6:45 p.m.: We will pick up our luggage now. Father wants to have dinner together and go over our schedule again once we arrive at the hotel. I will call you afterwards. Thank you for being patient.

Ah. Cock-blocked by Zoldyck Senior once again.

Hisoka 6:45 p.m.: Alright. Ttyl!

He put his phone down and glanced at the offending application that had the gall to still be unfinished. Reading over what he had written down so far, and hating every single word, he concluded: yep, dinner sounded like a good idea for himself, too, right about now. He shut the laptop with a little too much force and sauntered towards the corridor leading downstairs.

He knew it was already six hours later for Illumi. More of a midnight snack than a proper dinner for him, then. Hopefully he could still get something filling at the hotel or close by. He had a bad habit of skipping meals if he was too stressed out. Hopefully on board there had been plenty of food and-- Oh. Hisoka grabbed his phone again, quickly sending out another message.

Hisoka, 6:49 p.m.: And remember to drink something!!

-

About two hours later, he was shovelling handmade pasta with slices of chicken breast into his mouth when his phone started ringing. Fork abandoned on the plate at once, nearly choking around a mouthful of meat that had definitely been too much to swallow all at once, Hisoka picked up, coughing slightly.

“Hi, Illu,” he choked out.

“Ah- good evening. Are you alright?”

“Mm, food just almost went down the wrong pipe, sorry, you know how greedy I am about swallowing--” Hisoka coughed again and drank something, deciding not to make a full cock joke for once for the sake of regaining his breath. “Aside from that, uhh--” He looked around the room, where the high-resolution print-outs of his creations were scattered on every flat surface because he was still nowhere nearer deciding what to include in and exclude from his portfolio. Alluka's dress lay in its parts in one corner, unfinished. The entire room was chaos. He pressed his lips into a flat line before he laughed airily.

“Well, I'm good, keeping busy. It's quiet here without you though,” He'd never been so happy and chatty when their housekeeper had swung by earlier today, much to her utter confusion. “How was your flight, and dinner with your dad? Are you okay?”

“Everything went well so far.” Illumi still sounded surprisingly fresh and put-together, but Hisoka knew his tone of voice could be deceiving. He could've been crying or dead-tired and would have still sounded the same. By now, he must have been on his feet for more than sixteen or seventeen hours. Well... comparing this to a usual workday of his, it probably wasn't all that different. But his usual workdays also had decidedly less Silva percentage in them.

“That's good. So, are you-”

Hisoka blinked when there was a sudden noise of disgust coming from the other end of the line.

“What's wrong?”

“I took off my shoes.” Illumi sighed. “You wouldn't believe how smelly a trip like this leaves you. And the heat here doesn't help, even though it's already way past midnight.”

“Smelly as in-”

“Imagine cheese. But so much worse.” Hisoka snorted. He couldn't conjure the thought of Illumi smelling bad, ever, especially not like cheese. But the mental image of him making a face right after taking his shoes off was hilarious. Being rich meant nothing in the face of a long journey – in the end, everyone reeked the same.

“Why didn't you take a shower, darling?”

“I wanted to hear your voice first.”

“Ah...” Caught off-guard, Hisoka felt the warmth creeping into his face. He couldn't help but smile like an idiot. The nonchalance and implicitness with which Illumi always delivered these comments would be the death of him someday, and he would probably die happy.

Lucky for him, the other man quickly went on, “But I really should.” Hisoka heard the faint click of a light-switch, then a gasp that sounded nearly ecstatic. An enchanted whisper informed him: “There's a tub.”

“Ooh! Sounds way better than a shower if you ask me.”

“Agreed.” Illumi turned on the water right away. “And we can keep talking this way, which is a plus.” Illumi in a bathroom was another picture Hisoka was more than familiar with by now. Sleeves rolled up, testing the water's temperature, putting his watch aside. Letting his hair down, taking a deeper breath as he loosened his tie and selected his favourite bath oils. Even after the longest days, he would move in a still impressively straight and composed way, but a little slower.

“Hey, uh...”

“Hm?”

“I'm happy to hear from you but... shouldn't you rest? I read about jet lag earlier and...” He heard an amused chuckle from the other end.

“No reason to worry about me. I'm very much used to it.” Yeah, that's why I'm worried, Hisoka didn't say. Illumi continued, “Besides, the days here start a little bit later than at home, people are more relaxed in a sense, so I will get my sleep, I promise.”

Yeah but you're also with your father and he's one of the least relaxed people I know.

“Well... Alright. But if you overdo it I have no choice but to enforce the rules of our contract. So keep yourself in check, Mister.”

“I will, baby.” Hisoka bit back an embarrassing noise and let his forehead flop against the side of his mattress. My god, how was this man still able to pull these kinds of reactions out of him while situated on an entirely different continent?!

“Do you want to move on to the questions right away?” Ooh, someone's excited.

Hisoka quickly caught himself. “Sure. I'm curious to see what you'll ask. And what your answers to mine will be,” he added with a grin. It wasn't just curiosity, though. A big part of him was nervous, too. But the urge to close the remaining gap between them outweighed everything else. “Just lemme go to the living room first...”

“Take your time.”

While Illumi entered his bath – judging by the noises of shuffling fabric and sloshing water followed by a relaxed sigh – Hisoka got up and left the chaos of his bedroom behind. He wanted a bit more of a cosy setting for their talk. So he switched on the gas fireplace in the living room and dimmed the lights, because come on, the campfire mood always helped when it came to sharing stories and secrets. He fiddled with the plush blanket. As he got comfortable, phone on loudspeaker now, he said “Okay, I'm all ready to go.”

“Good. If any of these questions make you uneasy-”

“I will tell you immediately, I promise. Don't worry so much.”

“Alright.” There was a pause on the other end of the line, Illumi seemingly having to steel himself for what he was about to ask, spiking Hisoka's intrigue to a point where he subconsciously held his breath in anticipation. Then: “When is your birthday?”

Oh. Illumi had meant the basic basics, alright. Hisoka was momentarily dumbfounded over the fact that they hadn't shared that already. He let out a soft laugh and said, “It's June sixth.”

“Oh.” A change in tone, as Illumi continued. “We already knew each other then. Why didn't you tell me? We could have celebrated together. And I would've made sure to get you something nice.”

Hisoka chuckled. “It was around the time I moved in with you, so I'm pretty sure you already gave me plenty of nice things.” And I usually don't celebrate anyway. “When is yours?”

“September ninth.”

“Ah, you're a Virgo. That makes sense.”

“Does it?” The innocence in Illumi's voice made Hisoka's lips stretch into a grin.

“You're like the prime example.”

“How so?”

“Virgos are known for being analytical, hard-working, very intelligent and honest, kind and reliable... Sounds like you, doesn't it?”

“Ah, that's flattering. But I suppose you're only telling me the good traits.”

“You caught me,” Hisoka said with a chuckle, completely lovestruck, “Of course there's two sides to everything. Doesn't make the good things any less true, though. Negative traits, let's see... Virgos are usually fairly picky, and nitpicky. They have extremely high standards and are critical of their surroundings and even more so of themselves. They strive for constant high performance and therefore put themselves under a lot of pressure. And they're people pleasers.”

Illumi made a sound of surprised acknowledgement. “It's like you've been listening in on my therapy sessions...”

“Now you know what I feel like every time you do your mind-reading thing...”

“Pardon, my what?”

“Never mind,” Hisoka mumbled, but he knew Illumi had heard and understood, because he laughed, and the sound echoed off the tiles of the hotel bathroom.

“I'm not all too familiar with astrology, but June sixth-... That makes you a Gemini, right?” Hisoka hummed in confirmation. “What are they known for?”

“Well... versatility, curiosity, playfulness, expressiveness... Some people describe them as charming.”

“I second that.”

Says the most charming person I know, Hisoka thought, but thanked Illumi anyway, and then resumed his list, “For the downside, let's see... Ah, it's often said Geminis have two sides to them, sometimes even contradicting traits. Like... they can appear socially outgoing but actually be very emotionally closed-off in private, they might be out and about but no one really knows them for who they really are. We're said to be quite impulsive and tend to be a bit unreliable. Inconsistent, in a sense.”

“You know a lot about this.” If Hisoka wasn't completely misreading the situation, Illumi sounded quite impressed.

“Well, I uh... I used to play around a lot with tarot cards, read horoscopes and such from a very young age... It has always fascinated me. I thought it would help me understand the people around me a bit better. If you have a complete chart on someone, you could read them like a book and anticipate certain behaviour.”

“Mm, I see. It sounds quite helpful for self-reflection, too.”

“Huh, never thought about it that way.” Hisoka watched the flames in the fireplace dance, trying to recall if Virgo and Gemini were romantically compatible. Their good sides seemed to be elevating each other, but the bad traits sure as hell had potential to be a an explosive mix. They were so different on every imaginable level...

“Your turn. Ask me a question.” He blinked at Illumi's voice, ripping him from his thoughts. Oh, right.

Hisoka quickly went through the catalogue of things he wanted to ask. He settled on: “I've been curious for a while now... How did you first find my stream, and why did you decide to stick around? Not to be presumptuous but you don't strike me as the type to... normally do that.”

“I... well. The short answer is I was recommended your stream and I liked what I saw, so I kept coming back.”

What a suspiciously surface-level reply... “What’s the long answer?”

“Where to start...” Illumi thought about it for a few moments, “It might take a while to give you the full picture.”

“That's okay,” Hisoka said, warm and relaxed and ready to listen in his blanket burrito. “I’m not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Alright, so... Scott was the one who introduced me into the BDSM community.” Hisoka swallowed his immediately souring mood at the mention of that man but decided not to interrupt, because he was sure it was much more difficult for Illumi to talk about this than it was for him to just lend his ear. And him trusting Hisoka enough to open up about that sensitive topic again felt... weirdly precious.

“We used to be very active in that regard while we were dating. We were still in college, so we had time. We went to meet-ups and courses and parties on a weekly basis, and made a lot of friends there. All kinds of people, a very colourful bunch.”

“You mean queer?”

“That, too. But also many different social classes. I had just moved out from home and it was a completely new world for me. I really, really liked it.” Hisoka smirked, imagining Illumi on the brink of his twenties, leaving his sheltered, posh nest on the top of the hill for the first time. The thought of him, wide-eyed and fascinated in the middle of a lively BDSM meetup was a precious one.

“I had never come in touch with so many different kinds of people before and I learned a lot about myself through the conversations with them. On the surface, I only discovered some kinks, my love for being a dominant, but it went deeper than that. It didn't take long until it made me question many things, gave names to sensations I had always tried to push away, and, well, I came to a few big conclusions fairly quickly. Like realising that I wasn't the heterosexual woman I had been raised as, and finally understanding why it had always made me so immensely uncomfortable to be seen as that. When I allowed myself to let that concept go, I felt like myself for the first time in my life.”

Hisoka knew the sensation Illumi was describing, in a general sense. He clearly remembered his own glee when he had first found a safe space like this in his early teens in the form of his drama club at school, also known as the queer kids' sanctuary. He could still recall his joy over realising there were others like him, that he wasn't broken or wrong like home had led him to believe, and that there were places where he didn't need to hide his flamboyance or his preference for soft and pretty things. Finding this sense of self and identity and pride didn't come easily. If you happened to stumble upon it, you held on for dear life. It probably had been the same for Illumi.

“I was so excited to share my findings with Scott, because of all people, I trusted him the most, and I thought he would be happy for me, but... well, you know how that went.” Hisoka's smile faltered as a pang of bitterness spread on his tongue, closely followed by rage. “To this day I'm not sure if he was hung up on me being trans, because he kept emphasising how he just wasn't gay, or if he didn't like me forming my own opinions, building up my own sense of self, growing out of who I'd been raised as.”

“Were you much different back at home?”

“Entirely. You've seen how it is, and I know my parents only ever meant well, but there is no real space for...” Saying no. Making mistakes. Insisting on boundaries. Discovering oneself. “Scott had always known me as someone who said yes to whatever he suggested. He usually was the one who pulled me along, which wasn't bad per se. But looking back, I think that part... is what hurt me the most. The moment I started having my own ideas and invited him to follow me for once, he kept saying how he felt betrayed, completely refusing to even consider a different path for our shared life.”

Illumi trailed off, and Hisoka could barely keep his white-hot fury over Scott's behaviour at bay. My god, if he ever got his hands on that fucker--

Illumi moved on, “It quickly went off the rails after that. All of a sudden, there was so much happening all at once in my life and it-... It completely overwhelmed me. Scott moved out within the span of a week, he quit his job at my family's company and went directly to our biggest competitor, and that took a toll on the relationship with my father as well.”

Oh, fuck. So the strain on the relationship between Silva and Illumi was also directly linked to the breakup? That was—concerning.

Sometimes his decisions cost us a lot, Silva had said at brunch. Hisoka's brows furrowed. He had a notion that Silva had thrown the emotional weight and trauma of the situation right out of the window, and simply blamed both Scott and, by proxy, Illumi for being unable to separate business from personal affairs. Way to guilt-trip your own son... This also explained why Illumi worked himself half to death all the god-damn time. He'd always been expected to make up for the perceived loss, hadn't he? He was still doing it.

God, was there anything in Illumi's life that hadn't been shit on by his ex or his father yet?

“...That sounds awful. I'm sorry,” was all that Hisoka could verbalise.

“It's okay,” Illumi said, his tone neutral as always, but Hisoka knew him well enough by now to take note of the slight rigidity in it. It was hard for him to talk about it. It wouldn't have been a surprise to learn that, even four years after, the entire ordeal was still a primary topic in therapy.

“My family was supportive and accepting of my coming out, as you know,” For the most part, Hisoka added dryly in thought. “But I was afraid of returning to these spaces, the clubs, the parties as... me. Afraid of running into Scott, too, seeing him move on. I couldn’t understand how it was so easy for him to leave.” Illumi tried to collect himself before he continued, “Coming out was still very new to me, and it scared me. I thought I would just keep losing people, and on top of everything, I didn't have the energy to introduce myself over and over and over again and do explanatory work while still emotionally working through the breakup.”

A pause. Dripping water. A deep breath. “So I didn't go back there. I focused on work instead because I thought it would give me stability and help the company cope with the loss of one of its best agents. I completely withdrew from the BDSM community for a while, because everything that had helped me discover myself now felt unsafe. I know this doesn't make sense--”

“It does,” Hisoka said, trying to keep his voice soft and comforting, staring into the fire. He wished he could've offered a soothing hand, open arms. “It makes a lot of sense, Illu,” was all he could offer right now.

Another pause.

“Thank you for saying that... That time was hard.”

“I can imagine...” If Illumi, who never ever complained about anything, said it was hard, Hisoka knew it had been hell.

“I went from a moment of euphoria right back to trying to ignore and reject everything about myself again, and for some reason I thought if I stayed away from these places and everything that had awoken these thoughts in me, I could successfully make it disappear.”

Hisoka's heart hurt hearing it. He couldn't blame Illumi for thinking this way, back then. He understood the feelings all too well. Without a proper support system it all crumbled to ash. Thank god his family had been there, at least. But he doubted that had been even close to enough: the siblings, maybe, but the parents didn't strike him as the most informed conversational partners when it came to the topic of feeling out one's own queerness, and the immense fear and pressure of coming out. He could picture neither Silva nor Kikyou doing research on how to support their trans son's journey. Illumi had likely been left to navigate that path mostly on his own.

“But no matter how hard I tried, a part of me craved to go back or have something similar because it just felt right, you know? I eventually opened up to Milluki about... well, feeling lonely, essentially. That I didn't know how or where to start over. He recommended browsing the internet to find new people I could interact with without the pressure of having to immediately socially perform and give myself away.”

“Smart boy, your brother.”

“He really is,” Illumi said, and Hisoka could hear the proud smile in his voice. “I liked the thought of anonymity. This way I still had time to figure myself out. So I did take him up on his advice. I did a ton of research, chatted with a few people here and there... slowly found my way back into BDSM-centred forums and then events in other towns, with other people to talk to... one thing led to another, and eventually I was recommended your stream, because it was already quite popular in that scene during that time, and gave it a try.”

“And you... liked it?” After everything Illumi had just told him, his stream seemed far removed from the words like community and self-discovery. “I mean, I know you did, but it's really just about sex.”

“Of course, superficially speaking, it is. I must admit, what first caught my interest was your physique. I hope that doesn't come across as shallow. I was at the beginning of my transition, and when I saw you undress I realised how much I wanted to look like you.” Hisoka blinked in surprise. “But the stream in general helped me to overcome a lot of shame.”

“...What do you mean?” The words 'Illumi' and 'shame' had never mingled in his thoughts before. They were entirely different concepts, unable to touch each other. And could you blame him for that? The other man oozed self-confidence with every move he made. Imagining him as anything other than his put-together and unflappable self felt wrong.

Illumi exhaled in a sigh. “You were... so unapologetically queer. Not only did you demand to be seen, but to be celebrated. You didn't care if anyone took offence in your actions, your style, sexual preferences. You just seemed so completely free to me. I was aware that you were performing to an extent, but still, you were everything I was struggling to be at that time, and that's why I kept coming back. I wanted to get to know you, so I watched whenever I could. Your stream calmed me down and inspired me, because it gave me a sense of 'It's okay to be proud of who you are and ask for the things you want.'”

Hisoka was at a loss for words. In all truth, when he had asked the question, he had expected a funny kinky story, maybe Illumi admitting to touching himself while watching him. Never in a million years would he have expected the other man to find some sort of comfort in his sex work and in him, as a person. And only now he realised that the insistent, polite messaging over the course of more than two years had been about seeking a true connection.

And he hadn't stopped until he had him now, as his contracted sub.

...What the fuck.

“That being said, there were of course other things I appreciated about your stream...” Illumi recalled, “For starters, you made a really interesting submissive in my eyes. Bratty, but not… entirely. You were unlike anyone I had encountered before, and I had lots of fun trying to discover all of your sides, separating your performance from the hidden patterns underneath that made you you. You know how much I adore your fashion, too… Oh, and, I really like your voice. In general, but especially how it shifts when you fall apart.” Illumi's vocalisation suddenly dropped a bit and Hisoka swallowed unconsciously, imagining lowered eyelids tracking his form. “And... sometimes, right before your orgasm, there was a split-second where your performance would slip. That was my favourite part.” Hisoka's breath hitched slightly. “It didn't always happen, but it was addicting to watch, and with every new stream I hoped to see it again. At the same time it was frustrating to notice that your streaming partners rarely ever managed to get you to that point. I thought I could probably do better. So, when I saw an opportunity this year, well... You know the rest.”

Hisoka still couldn't respond, because he was too busy analysing every interaction he'd had with Illumi up to this point anew. It was a lot to take in.

“... Are you still there?”

“Yes, I—yes. I just didn't expect that sort of answer. Wow.”

“Oh, too much information? I'm sorry if I overshared.”

Hisoka chuckled breathlessly. “That's not it. I just never expected you or anyone to watch my stream like that. Most people just jerk off to it.” Cam boys usually didn't cause an inspirational journey of self-discovery for their viewers. Then again, Illumi probably wasn't an average viewer in any sense. Hisoka rubbed a hand over his warmed face, trying to let all the new knowledge sink in, and find a home in his heart. Heavy as the lead-up was, what an honour to be let in on all of his dom's deeply personal experiences. His next words came a little more easily, “Stream aside, Illu... I'm proud of you and your journey.”

Illumi was completely quiet upon hearing that, and for a moment Hisoka wondered if he'd ever been told that before. All the more reason to continue, “And I'm happy to be a part of it, even before I was consciously aware of it. Thank you for sharing this with me.”

“Thank you for listening,” was Illumi's simple but genuine response. There was the sound of moving water again. “Do you mind if we stop here for now?”

Hisoka hummed, casting a glance outside the windows, the neon lights already lighting up the falling night, even on his side of the globe. The sun was on its journey to greet his darling instead soon. “We should, shouldn't we? You getting tired?”

“Tired, no, but I'm physically exhausted and a certain someone told me to get some rest.”

“That someone is very thankful that you're taking care of yourself.”

A hum. “I will text you tomorrow and call you when I can. I don't know when exactly that will be. Keep focusing on your homework, and feel free to message me at your own leisure.”

“I will,” Hisoka promised, “Good luck on your work tomorrow and goodnight, Illu.” The surge of warm feelings towards the other man almost made another sentiment pass Hisoka's lips, but luckily, he caught himself.

“Goodnight, Hisoka. Sleep well.”

Hisoka hung up, staring at the ceiling, overcome with a mix of emotions. They had really gone from star signs to life-altering revelations real quick, huh? It seemed to become the core of their dynamic: Even if they tried, they couldn't go slow.

He put an arm over his face, a chuckle falling from his lips, and then dragged his fingers down his throat, past his day collar, coming to rest on his chest, feeling his heart trying its best to jump out of it.

-

Hisoka took in the pale room.

He knew it. But it still appeared strange and unknown to him, every time he returned. The gut-sinking feeling of a déjà-vu.

There was a single bed cast in fluorescent light. Otherwise the space was empty and dark.

As he approached, the bed grew in size, getting taller and taller- No... was he... getting smaller? When he'd gotten close enough he could barely even look over the edge of it.

A woman was lying there, her breath rattling with each inhale, and even though she didn't have a face, Hisoka knew it was his mother.

The bulb above was buzzing. He hated the sound so much. Just as much as the constant beeping of the machines and the sickly smell hanging in the air. In the distance, there were sobs of some kid-- or were they close? Were his ears muted? … Oh...

It was his own voice.

All of a sudden, he was sitting on the mattress with her. Deathly cold fingers touched his cheek. Yet he didn't recoil, even when the stink of death told his instincts to run. How could he turn his back when the very essence of his heart and soul was right in front of him?

“Shh... don't cry... don't cry...”

He tried so hard to stop sobbing as her thumb wiped his cheeks dry, but it was the only sound he was able to make, and the only thing he was able to do. Her hands were so clammy that the usual softness was dulled by it.

She was pale now, underneath this light, only a shadow of herself.

Her own light had gone out long ago and here, on the bed that would become her grave, she couldn't pretend that there was anything left of her. Even the stars in her skin had gone from vibrant to grey.

There were no definitive features on her face, like a heavy fog had spread in the few centimetres that separated them. Only her eyes remained, looking misplaced. Ghastly and inhuman in the empty planes of skin between her matted, red locks.

Eyes that were burning themselves into Hisoka's mind, forever, while everything else had long since faded.

“Don't be afraid...”

Slow, heavy footsteps approached from the darkness and a primal fear gripped Hisoka. Shooting a wide-eyed glance into the pitch-black space surrounding them, he grabbed her hand. He knew what—who was coming for him. He knew what would happen to him once she left, left him alone with that monster. He couldn't bear the thought of every colour in his life draining, painting him as a greyscale husk for years to come.

“It's gonna be okay, darling, I promise...”

He tried to object but, to his horror, found that he couldn't speak. Did he even have a mouth? His voice was lodged inside of his throat, his tongue unable to move. He was trapped. Forced to wait for the inevitable. Just like before. Just like always.

He clung to her hand.

No, no, no... It's not gonna be okay, it's not. You have to stay. You have no idea how bad things will get when you're gone. Please, Mum.

She didn't have a face, and yet Hisoka knew she was smiling. Couldn't she see how afraid he was? Something deep within him knew it was going to be the last time he would see her. Yet a part of him hoped--

“Listen to me closely... You're so bright and resilient, Hiso... My good boy.”

He shuddered involuntarily as her icy fingers seemed to melt into his skin, embedding their dying hopes in his core. Her kind voice was choking him, constricting his throat.

“Nothing will ever be able to hurt you as long as you don't let it...”

Why are you lying to me? I'm none of these things without you—Please just stay—Don't leave me alone!

The footsteps were close now, their sound so intense it nearly overshadowed the words falling from her featureless face. The lightbulb above was shaking with every step, dangling from its fixture. The bed-frame shivered with them. Hisoka knew he was running out of time.

I need to wake up--

“Always remember... how loved you are.” A wheezing cough. It sounded painful, like someone was scraping out her lungs with metal. The plastic mask strapped to her faze fogged up with it. “You're so loved...”

Wake up--

The footsteps stopped right behind him and he was so frozen by fear that he found himself unable to turn around. The dark humanoid form was reflected in his mother's slowly dulling eyes as the cold walls whisked away the light within.

Don't go. Don't go, don't go, don't—I'll die—If you go now, I'll die—take me with you, please—

Her breathing came to a stop and it stole his ability to cry. The lightbulb above popped with a loud crack just as the monster’s meaty hand grabbed him by the back of his neck.

Hisoka startled awake, sweat-soaked and heaving. He nearly collapsed to the floor as he rushed out of bed and only barely made it all the way to the toilet before he vomited his guts out.

Breathless, he stared at the half-digested remains of his dinner in the toilet bowl. He shuddered and closed his eyes, shoulders shaking as he felt the back of his neck. He could still feel the grip.

...Fuck.

-

It was around fifteen hours later, and Hisoka was perfectly styled and smiling, on a video call with Illumi. It was day four of his business trip, and they had called every single evening so far, playing their little game of Q&A.

Over the course of these recent conversations, Hisoka had learned a number of things about his darling:

Illumi spoke a ton of languages: English, Japanese, Mandarin, French, Spanish and even fractions of German, Korean and Greek. He'd been raised bilingual by his parents and had always seen the benefit of familiarising yourself with a country's language and basic culture when one travelled as much as he did. On that topic, because their conversations always quickly shifted and grew more deep, Hisoka had also been let in on the fact that grandpa Zeno was a Japanese immigrant and had brought little Silva with him to this country after the death of his wife. Silva himself was half Russian, half Japanese. And then, Zeno had gone on to found what had now grown into the multi-billion family enterprise. The way Illumi had described his grandfather's immense initial struggles with adapting to the new surroundings now made Silva's constant insistence on prioritising the business a little more understandable. In the end, everyone continued to carry the fears of their parents, in big or small parts alike.

On the subject of family and past, Illumi had also shared that Kikyou had had him at age sixteen, which confirmed Hisoka's suspicion that the parents both looked awfully young. He didn't ask if Illumi had been unplanned, but the fact that Illumi said that his mother never mentioned her own side of the family – had she been kicked out, maybe? – and the seven and twelve year age gap between him and his closest siblings suggested as much. That, or medical complications. Either way, he hadn't pried or judged. Because Hisoka's own mother had had him at seventeen, and he for his part knew that he'd been unplanned. He had told Illumi neither.

When he asked about the family dog he had seen in the photo album, Illumi told him that it had died a few years ago and that the entire family had been utterly heartbroken about it. Since they had the means, they had had an actual burial for Mike, tombstone, eulogy and all. The thought had been bewildering and almost comical at first, but the longer Hisoka thought about it, the more he suspected that many pet owners would probably want to do the same if they were able to. Illumi remembered that Alluka had been especially affected by Mike's death. She hadn't spoken to anyone for days at that time, and only Killua had been allowed into her room while she grieved. Apparently she still only opened up to him out of all of her family members when she was upset about something.

A decidedly less depressing piece of information was that Illumi had modelled in his youth. Which was absolutely no surprise to anyone, especially not Hisoka. After doing some digging he had even shared some pictures – and as expected they had all been stunning. Of course Hisoka had done the only reasonable thing and immediately begged his dom to agree to a photo shoot where he would act as his stylist and photographer, and Illumi had agreed only under the condition that Hisoka finally took him up on his wish for a commission – paid, of course, he'd insisted. It was the perfect deal, because Hisoka would not only get his favourite man on the planet as part of future versions of his portfolio, the agreement would also provide him with the opportunity to give a much-needed update to Illumi's photo album back at the Zoldyck Estate.

On his end, Hisoka had shared his workout routine on Illumi's request. He had been especially interested in his thigh workout, so they had quickly agreed on going to the gym together sometime in the future. They had also realised that despite being the smaller and leaner one, Illumi could actually lift more weight than him, because Hisoka was all form over function when it came to training – vanity was his biggest motivation – and Illumi was mostly only interested in pragmatic practicality. Hisoka had already suspected as much when his dom had quite literally almost picked him up and moved him around like he weighed nothing during several of their sessions – which only showed that their methods of working out were very different. All the more reason to share their techniques with each other. He had some catching up to do in the stamina department, after all...

Hisoka had also let Illumi in on what little fun and safe things there were of his youth and childhood. For example, that he had been the smallest kid in his year by far until his growth spurt in ninth grade. Up until that point, he'd always been picked on for being so small and fragile-looking, and after that had so drastically changed – the attention that came with it flipping from negative to positive – he couldn't get enough of being tall, which was also a big reason why he loved wearing heels. The entire conversation had led to Illumi admitting that he deeply enjoyed Hisoka being taller than him, just like Kikyou had hinted at before. Hisoka decided to store that compliment away in the most easily accessible part of his brain for rainy days, and to put his flats to the back of his closet for a while.

Illumi had then asked to see childhood pictures of his, and even though the topic came very close to discomfort for him, Hisoka had agreed to show him the very manageable amount of photos he owned once he returned home. What he hadn't told Illumi was that those very pictures were stored away in a shoe box under his bed. One that he hadn't opened in more than fifteen years because it held a lot of memories for him he hadn't found the courage to revisit yet. Most days he preferred to pretend that the box didn't exist. Maybe the remaining business trip days wouldn't be enough time to work up the needed bravery, but oh well. It was only fair after going through an entire photo album of Illumi, so he wanted to try, at least.

They had also talked about music and preferred genres, and after Illumi had admitted that he rarely ever listened to anything because he found it to be immensely distracting – which was completely unthinkable to someone like Hisoka who needed a constant flow of stimuli to even be able to function properly – Hisoka had held a passionate monologue about his favourite: opera. He loved it not only for the swelling, orchestral melodies, but also for the heightened dramatics of the storylines and, of course, the costumes. Upon learning that he had never been able to see a live opera performance before, Illumi had promptly invited him to go see one together, VIP box and theatre glasses included. Only about ten minutes after that particular call had ended, Illumi had sent him a screenshot of purchased tickets for what Hisoka had told him was his favourite operetta, George Bizet's Carmen. They would go see it in winter. The chat had been drowned in nothing but hearts after that.

Hisoka's natural flexibility had come up in another conversation. Illumi had noticed when he'd been tying him up – and probably while fucking him into the mattress, too – and was curious about whether Hisoka had received any special training when he'd been younger. But no, all he had done was copy the movements of gymnasts and dancers on television from a very young age after a very inspiring visit to the circus at age four and accompanying his mother to work, left to wander the backstage area of the theatre, watching the ballet ensemble do their warm-ups. The fascination had lasted way into his middle and high school years, where he'd often watched the cheerleading team practise. He hadn't been allowed to join the team himself, but he'd been friends with many of the girls – a social butterfly even back then – so they had shared their tricks and routines with him. It left Illumi quite impressed, because apparently he himself had shortened muscles due to his years of running on the track team – meaning while Hisoka could without any problem almost completely fold himself in half both forward and backwards, Illumi didn't manage to touch his toes while his legs were straight.

Going back to the basics once again, Illumi had inquired about Hisoka's favourite animal in another call. Hisoka had confessed his deep love for cats, and Illumi said that he was more fond of dogs, but – diplomatic as ever – didn't really have a preference as long as the animal was properly trained. That had led to a lengthy discussion about foxes, because they looked like dogs, but behaved far more like cats, and soon opened up the rabbit hole of watching various videos compiling what foxes sounded and acted like. Eventually, the algorithm had led them to obscure animal memes with an increasingly absurd style of humour; videos that had Hisoka laughing to the point of tears while Illumi really did not understand what was so funny about them, but joining the laughter anyway. It had been quite a weird evening.

So, all in all, the getting-to-know-each-other-part was going fairly well. It was something to look forward to during the slower parts of his day, and something that kept him motivated when it was time to do his homework. Speaking of which...

Tonight, Hisoka was ready for another round, but he wanted to steer their talk towards a different topic first. The night left him feeling shaken inside and out, and he was in dire need of some reassurance, so he started the conversation off by immediately surprising Illumi with...

“Ta-dah~” He posed with his finished portfolio, proudly showing it off. On the phone screen, his secretly beloved was sitting on a moon-lit balcony, smoking a blunt, a French braid hanging over one of his shoulders. A few wayward strands of hair were hanging into his soft face – apparently the foreign climate made it hard for him to keep his usually so silky-smooth locks under control. Regardless, he looked stunning as always, and the small smile adorning his face was the best accessory to complete the getup.

“That was impressively quick. Well done,” Hisoka hummed under the praise, and Illumi's smile grew a bit, because he knew the answer already when he asked, “Care to show me the individual pages?”

“Of course! I think you're gonna like it a lot.”

Hisoka walked the other man through the portfolio page by page, explaining why he had chosen these particular designs to represent his work, and the inspiration behind each one. The resulting collection perfectly showcased the range of things he could design and sew, spanning from opulent costumes meant for theatre stages, over haute couture fitting to be worn to a red carpet event or a fancy party, to some of his more kinky creations – not that he wanted to flaunt his kinks to potential employers, but he knew that exceptionally well-crafted pieces made from latex and PVC were sure to impress even the more seasoned tailors and designers, because everyone with a bit of skill under their belt knew these materials were a bitch to work with, and you couldn't easily hide any mistakes.

Illumi listened with his chin propped up on his palm, his deep interest underlined by his alert eyes, and he frequently asked more questions or to be shown certain details, mirroring Hisoka's enthusiasm even more whenever he recognized a piece. They were all smiles by the time Hisoka concluded the demo, shutting the folder and putting it aside. “But that's not all~”

Illumi raised his brows. “There's more?”

Hisoka grinned even wider, his chest swelling with excitement and pride alike, and laid his phone down on his desk, leaning over it briefly. “Just a moment. And no peeking.” He heard Illumi chuckle as he shuffled around in his room. When everything was set, he picked up his phone once more, covering the camera on the back with his hand before switching to this view.

“You ready?”

“Yes.” Illumi had leaned in a little bit more, obviously intrigued. In true showman nature, Hisoka moved his hand aside to reveal a view of the completely revised dress for Alluka. Illumi's eyes widened with a barely audible gasp, taking in the gown in all of its glory for the very first time, propped up on the tailor's mannequin in the middle of the room.

“I finished this, too.” Hisoka said, his voice a song.

The flowers embroidered on the corsage cascaded down the skirt in mesmerising waves and powdery shades of purple and pink and creamy whites, starting delicate on top and becoming greater and more detailed the further the fabric draped towards the floor, ending in a gorgeous trail in the back. The carefully arranged layers of tulle helped the dress retain its picture-perfect, fairytale princess-inspired look. Even in the less-than-ideal lighting of his room, the delicate pearls woven into the artificial blossoms and many layers of the dress glistened and sparkled.

The other man was completely in awe as Hisoka moved around, phone in hand, to show him all the details and the even, clean seams in the corset he was extremely proud of.

“That's incredible. I can't believe you made this. Did you add even more blossoms?”

“I did.” Around one-hundred more, to be precise.

“She's going to love it. You did a fantastic job.”

Hisoka switched to the front cam again and tipped an imaginary hat to Illumi with a bow. He sat down on the carpet next to his creation. “Why thank you~”

“You did all of this in a day?”

“More or less. Who am I to resist when inspiration strikes?”

Illumi regarded him with a smile still, but suddenly fell strangely silent. One of his brows tensed ever so slightly as his eyes traced along his sub's features more closely than a few seconds before.

“Hisoka?”

“Yes?”

“Have you slept at all since our last call?”

Hisoka's smile tensed. He thought he'd put on enough makeup for Illumi not to notice his fatigue. He'd even attached a tiny ring light to his phone. His complexion looked nothing short of perfect right now and he had concentrated very hard on smiling the right amount, giving his voice the airy quality that communicated that everything was just fine. But of course, his darling was ever-perceptive. Hisoka briefly considered coming up with an excuse, but decided against it. The risk of being caught was too big. He sighed but held on to his smile.

“I had a short night.” A short night that left him with a sore throat, bloodshot eyes despite the eye drops and cold mask, and a really bad mood. Not to mention the fucking persistent nausea. He hadn't even been able to eat much of anything. The projects had helped to shift his focus and he'd hoped he could just get a nice conversation with Illumi to help take his mind off of all of that, but apparently, luck wasn't on his side.

“Another nightmare?” Illumi asked.

“Yep.”

“What did you dream abou-” Nope.

Pretending the connection was bad, Hisoka just talked over the other man and the image of his dying mother worming itself back into his consciousness. “But you know, it's okay. I just stayed up and did more homework.”

Less interrogation, more praise, please.

Just tell me I did a good job. Come on.

Even through the screen, Illumi's eyes seemed all-knowing. Hisoka felt his own patience wearing thin at an alarming rate.

“It's admirable you're being as productive as you are, but I don't want you to neglect your self-care.” You're one to talk, big-ass hypocrite.

“Well, you gave me a tight deadline.” Hisoka could feel the familiar discomfort of his stubbornness rising, the brat coming to life. He was too exhausted to keep it down right now.

“It shouldn't come at the expense of your well-being. You need to get some rest.” Maybe he was just tired – no, he definitely was – but the well-meant advice rubbed him the completely wrong way today.

Hisoka let out a dry laugh and Illumi blinked in surprise and confusion. Despite his sweet tone, the next words out of his mouth were biting, “You really think you of all people are in a position to tell me that?”

Illumi's eyebrows shot up a bit, and he said nothing initially, probably trying to grapple with the sudden shift in mood. It wasn't the first time Hisoka had snapped at him, but it was the first time he had so openly rejected his care.

Illumi took a long drag from his cigarette, and the entire reaction and posture told Hisoka that he immediately knew that his sub was throwing a tantrum. Yet Illumi did not threaten him with punishment or showed even the slightest hint of being angry at him. There were no warning words. He simply remained calm. And it pissed Hisoka off even more, because really, without being shown where the lines were, how was he supposed to behave?

“Maybe talking about your nightmares will help.”

Hisoka could feel everything he had learned so far slip away as walls rose alongside blinding ire. He had wanted Illumi to take his mind off things, give him comfort, not push him nose-first into the very core of what was bothering him, quite literally robbing him of his sleep. He'd imagined the conversation to go differently but he didn't know how to get back there. There was only the fit of rage now.

His expression grew dangerous, his smile showing his canines now. “Funny, I don't recall asking for help.”

Illumi looked at him a bit longer, expression unchanging as he thumbed along the filter of the cigarette. Analytical. He switched gears, trying another approach. “You're upset,” he said. I see you, was what he meant.

“Whatever makes you think that~?” You don't see shit, Hisoka threw back.

“You're showing it to me quite clearly.” The brat was about to say oh fuck off, but Hisoka stopped it at a hairbreadth. Instead he just held Illumi's gaze, stubbornly, still smiling, unable to let the mask slide today. The other man sat up a bit, taking another drag from the cigarette. “Will you tell me what this is about?”

You don't get to force me to do it after I tried so hard to distract myself—and you—from it.

I did what your fucking homework said I should now it's not good enough?

You didn't even fully appreciate it.

I want you to come home. How dare you leave me here?

I can't stand myself right now. I don't wanna be alone with myself.

I'm so tired. I don't want to go to sleep.

Give me space—don't go away.

Take this away, take it all away, please--

Hisoka's thoughts raged and screamed and begged, but what came out of his mouth was an icy, “I just don't wanna talk about the nightmares, Illu, it's not that hard to understand.” The unmistakable implication that Illumi was too dense to pick up on something so obvious was not lost on the other man.

Illumi's eyes briefly widened and then narrowed, just the tiniest amount. Hisoka knew that they both very clearly remembered their agreement on telling each other if they were uncomfortable with any topic of conversation. It was such an easy way out, but he was trampling over everything. Simply because he could. Simply because the feeling of being alone was so tangible today, and he wanted to see his own helplessness reflected, as if he could shed it by pushing it onto another person. It was one of his worst coping mechanisms.

Hisoka watched Illumi's jaw grow tense as he searched for the right words, trying to make sense of his behaviour, and despite the fear it awoke in him, a deep, dark part of Hisoka thought:

Getting angry, are we?

Good. Come down with me. Be angry.

Punish me.

If you're not taking my mind off of it, I will make you do it. I will leave you no other choice.

They stared each other down. 

A black hole drowned a raging sun as it collapsed in on itself. No matter how much it launched angry flames into its surroundings, the darkness would remain impassive as the star burned itself out. 

In the duration of their non-verbal stalemate Hisoka slowly realised the gravity of his behaviour, how close he was to willingly betraying the established trust. But what hit him the most was coming to terms with his mistake of thinking that Illumi would so easily be provoked into acting the way he wanted. Another drag of the cigarette, the ember lighting up and then dimming – the star died.

“Do you need some time for yourself?” Illumi asked with a level voice, and the crushing feeling of failure and shame washed over Hisoka.

Of course not. Of course he didn't want to be alone. He'd been looking forward to the call all day and he couldn't bear the thought of being left alone in this terribly quiet condo tonight – or for six more days. But he knew that he couldn't really control his mood swings and what came out of his mouth when he was like this. He didn't even have a name for what this was.

There was always the underlying tension and fear of driving Illumi away and taking one step too far if he kept him close now.

How could he expect him to handle him when he couldn't even handle himself?

Still, a fragile part of him wished that the other man would make it all go away, somehow. Take control of the situation, rein him in again, even if he had to use force. Help him calm down, remind him where he started and ended. Make him belong.

But Illumi was far away, so he couldn't really do shit. And that was maybe the worst part of it all.

...Why was he so angry at him?

Why was he always like this...?

Why couldn't he just ask for what he needed or accept help when it was offered?

Leaving the questions in his mind and the one from the other man unanswered as humiliation gripped his insides, Hisoka cast a glance onto his hand resting in his lap. His index finger was blister-covered from the several hours of non-stop work on the dress. His prior triumph over finishing the project now felt like a badge of shame and failure. Unable to deal with the core of his problems, always running away. He absent-mindedly picked at the sensitive, uneven skin, dragging his sharp thumbnail across it again and again.

“Because if you do,” Illumi said into the silence, “you know that all you have to do is tell me, and I will give you space.”

Hisoka nodded and said nothing, not lifting his gaze.

“And if you need to vent, that's fine, too. You're always welcome to express yourself and I'm happy to listen to your problems.”

Another nod, fingers picking until they broke the skin, no answer.

“But, Hisoka.”

The two words demanded all of his attention, and he looked up, finding a severe pair of lightless eyes looking back at him. As Illumi went on, each syllable was slow and distinct.

“You will not let me run into your moods like this, nor take them out on me. If you talk to me like this again there will be consequences in our next session, understood?”

Finally, a boundary.

Hisoka took an alleviating breath, immediately handing over the reins when Illumi gave him the opportunity. His fingers stopped picking as the oppressing, all-consuming sensations evaporated, and he suppressed the urge to touch his day collar.

“Yes, I understand,” he said quickly, finally finding his voice again.

“And?”

“I'm sorry.”

“I accept your apology.”

Hisoka briefly touched the space between his own, tense brows; the last part to relax. Illumi's facial expression now finally matched his, and he reclined away from the screen. Hisoka hadn't really noticed him close in on it. But he now saw that Illumi had apparently, at some point, leaned his phone against something on the low balcony table, because the perspective had shifted, and the new angle gave Hisoka a view that made it seem like he was actually kneeling there, in front of him.

It was a sight that appeased him, made him settle at once.

They didn't have the means for a real session right now, and it was out of the question with Illumi having smoked weed anyway, but the small shift wordlessly showed Hisoka that he was in a safe space, regardless.

His fingers found the pendant of the collar, after all.

“I thought we'd have a bit more time before we reached this point,” Illumi admitted. He sounded tired. Hisoka felt guilty.

“Me too,” he said. “I'm really sorry, I don't know what-...” He fell silent once more, at a loss for words that could have ended this sentence. He couldn't really pretend he'd been clueless about his blatant ignorance of the other man's offered care. “I'm sorry for acting like this.”

Illumi put out what was left of his blunt in a nearby ashtray before picking up the word again. “For future reference, I want to let you know that you can call me at any time when you have a nightmare and just need to hear a familiar voice or want a distraction. No pressure to talk about it in any way. Would that help?”

“...What about your work?”

“If you get this upset because of them, I will treat them as an emergency.”

Hisoka's thoughts immediately went to Silva's comments about Illumi being distracted from his work. He didn't want to put any more strain on the already tense father-son-relationship they had. “I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that,” he said honestly.

“I see.” Illumi cast his gaze to the side, contemplating. Free of offence. It was fairly obvious that he wouldn't give up so easily, set on finding something, anything that would bring Hisoka comfort, despite that very man walking all over him only minutes before. Illumi's ability to move on just like that after a genuine apology was unparalleled. “Maybe I can offer something else. How about we go to bed together? I know it's still early for you, but you must be tired. We could stay on the phone, talk until we fall asleep.”

Hisoka thought about it for a while. “... I'd like that.”

“Okay, perfect. Let's go then.”

And so they readied themselves for bed in tandem, video calls still running. With an ocean between them they brushed their teeth, changed – Illumi made Hisoka apply the ointment to the bruises after all, and insisted on checking the bite as well – and while he medicated himself and then waited, Hisoka took off his makeup and eventually crawled into bed. His eyes were heavy by the time he found his head pillowed only a few inches from the screen that showed Illumi in his sleeping clothes, already looking slightly groggy.

“I never asked how your day was today...” Hisoka mumbled. Illumi tried to get comfortable on his side, and Hisoka noticed how it took him much longer than usual, because there was neither a body pillow nor another person he could lean on. He had instead opted for a rolled up duvet, but it was evidently not plush enough to support his preferred sleeping position.

“It was good,” Illumi said, simply, but then made the effort to dig up some more detail, “Father and I went to different properties today, working separately. The house I'm in charge of is a beautiful beach-front home. His is close to a vineyard, far outside of the city. We each met with the construction company that'll be in charge of flipping the houses, and checked the materials they will be using, and had some meetings with the interior designers as well.” His voice drifted from business-like and firm to something that was just a tad softer, warmer, “I keep thinking that you would really enjoy it here, despite the heat. Do you like the sea?”

“I've never been,” Hisoka said. He had been to the half-mile strip of the city's artificial beach, sitting on a certain part of the riverfront, but it probably wasn't really comparable to the real deal, as it was planted in the middle of two busy streets, always a bit overcrowded, and with a clear view of the opposing riverbank.

“We should change that,” Illumi said, easily.

“We really should,” Hisoka agreed, a tiny smile fighting its way back onto his lips. The thought of staying in a private seaside getaway with Illumi sounded really damn tempting.

“And we probably can, soon.”

“Hm?”

“You know I'm gifting Alluka with tickets for a convention, right?”

“Yeah, you've mentioned it.”

“The city it takes place in has a beautiful beach, and the rental we’re staying in is right on the promenade, ocean view and all. We could definitely go to the beach together.”

Hisoka blinked. “Oh, I'm... coming with you? I thought it was just you and Alluka.”

Illumi chuckled, “That's not how it works in such a big family. I will take all of my siblings there, to avoid fights. And I would love for you to join as well. I've purchased enough tickets.”

“Oh... sure. I'd like that.” Included on a family trip... “Thank you.”

“Don't thank me too soon. I hope the beach can make up for three days of babysitting.” Hisoka chuckled at that and Illumi smiled, looking nearly relieved in the dim light emitted by the screen.

“I really don't mind,” Hisoka said. “Your siblings are all lovely.”

“I'll remind you after the first day, when Alluka has bought so much merchandise we have to go out and buy two additional suitcases and declare some extra bulky luggage at the airport just so she can take it all home, or when Milluki has started a fight with every vendor that disagrees with his headcanons over his favourite waifus, or when both Killua and Kalluto have eaten so much candy they run around in the video game section like a pair of hyperactive monkeys, to a point where they vomit in every available bathroom,” Illumi said, sounding like a war veteran. Exasperated, he added, “I wish I was making this up. We’re banned from so many conventions already.”

Hisoka could vividly imagine that chaos, and he snorted. “Sounds like most of these problems could be handled with a bunch of kiddy-leashes. But I stand by it: I don't mind. And you shouldn't be left to babysit these adorable gremlins alone, I think.”

Illumi's features softened for a moment, the meds slowly but surely unfolding their effect, but then he blinked, looking highly alert again, “Oh, another thing. I nearly forgot.” He rubbed his eyes as if to will himself awake. “Machi texted me today.”

“Oh...?”

“She apologised for her behaviour in the shop recently. And she invited us.” 

Hisoka's eyebrows rose a considerable amount, then scrunched in suspicion. “Invited us to what exactly?”

“Hosting a shibari class.”

Hisoka's following confused expression spurred Illumi on to elaborate, “I used to teach them from time to time up until about a year ago.” Real estate agent, former model, shibari teacher. Hisoka evidently still had lots to discover about his multi-talented darling.

“Oh, and... are we going?”

“I'm asking you. Do you think you would be comfortable with that?”

“I don't even know what exactly happens in such a class. Will people get to tie me up or-”

“No one besides me will touch you.” Ever, Illumi didn't say, but Hisoka's heart jumped all the same. “I would rope you up in front of a few interested people, show them how to safely do the same with their partners, and then we’d probably answer whatever questions they have.” Illumi suppressed a yawn. “And I'm assuming Machi and her submissive will be present as well, because they usually organise these events.”

Hisoka mulled it over. Being shown off was always tempting, then again, the prospect of being under Machi's scrutiny was decidedly less alluring. “You think it's a peace offering?”

“Could be... I don’t know. I'm just happy she apologised for the way she treated you.”

“...I'll think about it.”

“Take your time.” Illumi had trouble keeping his eyes open. Hisoka would've given everything to be able to reach out and trace fingertips along his soft features, push his fingers into his hair, feel him fall asleep against his chest.

“I miss you...” he whispered, because it was true, and because he wanted Illumi to know before he drifted off. He wanted him to dream about it.

“...me too,” Illumi mumbled, his eyelids briefly fluttering open again. “'night, Hisoka...”

“Goodnight, Illu,” Hisoka whispered, and the other man was soundly asleep within a second.

-

Their sleeping ritual became an inherent part in the next few days. The difference in time often caused Illumi to go to bed first – Hisoka noticed him grow more exhausted as the business trip dragged on – yet he had allowed the call to run on after that. Just casting a glance aside from time to time to see his dom peacefully sleeping helped Hisoka a bit to not be so lonely. It helped even more when his nightmares ripped him from sleep again, the rejection trope making its unwanted comeback, and he had digital reassurance right next to him, showing that Illumi went above and beyond to make him feel wanted and secure even if he couldn't be physically present.

If only his brain would take the hint and let him sleep. Hisoka was more tired than he could remember ever being. He really needed to do something about this soon…

-

It was day eight, and as if it hadn't already been enough, Hisoka was confronted with an entirely new—yet so very familiar—problem:

He was so. Goddamn. Horny.

Granted, the issue had surfaced much later than he had expected, considering his usual appetite. Eight days of abstinence felt comparable to a life spent in celibate in his case. But now he was very much ready to put an end to his temporary virtue.

He watched Illumi on their video call, and something about his neck and exposed collarbones grabbed all of Hisoka’s attention. The first two buttons of his shirt were open and whenever he moved the right way one could almost catch a glimpse of his chest. His complexion had grown slightly more sunkissed over the past week and Hisoka could vividly imagine the warm smell that accompanied the tan and the fresh sweat on his dom's skin. The thought alone made saliva flood his mouth and his fantasies were running wild, of them fucking on the hotel bed, in the bathroom, against the big windows looking out over the city—

“--soka? Are you listening?”

“Ah–huh? I’m sorry, I just spaced out. What did you say?”

“A lot on your mind, hm?” You could say that. But it's really just you. “I asked how your day was.”

Hisoka had to pull his brain down from being fucked silly on cloud nine to be able to answer the question. Shit, what had he done today? Oh yeah– “I finished my homework.”

“All of it?” He nodded and smiled. “Well done. Where did you send your applications to?”

“The Velvet Curtain Theatre, the Drama Den – they do smaller indie productions downtown – and I actually applied to– Wait wait wait, stop!!”

Illumi looked over with huge eyes, frozen in his movement, a million question marks on his face – he’d been about to light the blunt between his lips.

“Uh… don't-...” Hisoka cleared his throat. “You said you would give me a reward if I finished all of my work.”

“I did,” Illumi said, immediately catching on, but of course he didn’t release Hisoka from his embarrassing fate of having to explicitly ask to be fucked long distance.

“Soooo… do you think we could play tonight? Somehow?” Phone sex was probably the only option on the table, which was definitely not his favourite because he deemed it kinda boring, but at this point Hisoka was needy enough that he would gladly take whatever he could get. Illumi’s voice alone usually did a lot of things for him in terms of arousal. The other man had managed to turn even missionary into something exciting. Who knew what he would come up with during a call.

“Oh, of course. I've been waiting for you to ask,” Illumi said, as if a session with an ocean between them was the most easily accomplished thing, and Hisoka immediately realised his dom had been planning this for a while. He watched him put his unlit cigarette aside and continue, “Do you want to stream the session? You have such beautiful makeup on and I’m sure your audience would enjoy the show…”

“You sound like you have something specific in mind.”

“Yes,” Illumi said, and there was a smug, barely perceptible curl to his lips. “I have a toy I never had a chance of using before. Before we ever met I considered sending it to you as fan-mail, but I think it'll be much more fun now. Do you want to try it?” A new toy?? Hisoka didn’t need to hear anything else.

He nearly tripped over his own feet as he rushed to set up his streaming equipment, a hasty, “Yes please!” falling from his lips. Illumi chuckled.

-

Around fifteen minutes later – with the technology set up, the toys retrieved, and his dom's explanation about how they functioned out of the way – Hisoka had his earbuds in, lounging on his bed. He looked up at the camera hanging right above him, allowing the audience – but really, mostly Illumi – to have the perfect, voyeuristic view of him. “You like the angle?”

“Yes,” Illumi said in his ear. The chat similarly came to life with his question.

Cunt_Dracula donated $77: omg hiiii ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ yes we can see you fine!

heath_edger___ donated $50: pov treat today huh? noice

H03SB4BR0S donated $30: Are you wearing a new collar? 👀👀👀

nbdd donated $5: Oooh, solo session?? Where’s Pins???

Hisoka smiled. “Hey lovelies~ Pins is right here.” He tapped his ears. “We will have a long distance session tonight and see how it goes. I’ve been promised that these bad boys right here,” he lifted a pair of toys into view; one was a sleek-looking anal vibrator, the other a matching cock ring, “will make me forget aaaall about my loneliness. Apparently they can be controlled from very far away...~” He scanned the rest of the donations while the fingers of his free hand found the pendant of his day collar, perfectly visible next to the session collar around his throat: “And yes, keen eye. This one is new, a gift from Pins. Isn't it pretty?”

As he pushed himself up on his arms to let his audience see more of the accessory, consequently presenting his chest, the chat exploded with comments, all agreeing over how well it suited him. Hisoka let a controlled, playful chuckle fall from his lips. He directed his gaze at the camera above again, laying back down, sprawling seductively. “Shall we get started, Sir?”

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $500: Yes, baby. I'll guide you.

“Yes,” Illumi echoed the statement in his ear, sounding like he was right next to him. “You remember your safewords, I presume.”

“I do.”

“Very good. Pull up your shirt, but leave it on.”

“Yes, Sir.” Hisoka did as he was told, extending sensual fingers down his torso to find the hem of his top, then slowly pulling it up to expose his chest, hints of the bruises still visible on his pecs. “Like this?”

Illumi hummed, voice dropping. “All the way up, please. Use your mouth to keep it out of the way.” Hisoka breathed in, pushing the shirt further up as instructed and took the fabric between his teeth. “Perfect, thank you. You won't need your words today, I just need you to listen. Can you do that?”

Hisoka gave an obedient nod.

“Put on the ring.” Hisoka reached over and did, first lubing it up and then pushing his hands into his pants to slide it onto his still-soft dick until it loosely rested around his root.

“All done,” he said without releasing the shirt from between his teeth, and shot a waiting stare back up at the lens.

In his ear, Illumi said, “Good. Close your eyes.”

He did, and suddenly neither the steady ping of the donations nor the audience mattered anymore. He wasn't streaming for them, anyway.

“You have my permission to touch yourself however you want today.” Ooh. Generous. That meant, without a doubt, that Illumi had something good in store. Hisoka already found himself immensely excited – his body was starving for action. He absent-mindedly traced his torso with anticipating fingertips.

“I want to share some of my recent thoughts with you.” Oh...?? The collars pressed against Hisoka's skin with every breath, warming up to his temperature, almost feeling like a hand on his throat...

“I can't wait to get home to you and touch you again,” Illumi said, the words slightly raspy. “I think about it every day I spend here. I look at the priceless furniture we select for the houses and I want to ruin every single piece by fucking you on it.” Hisoka twitched not only because of being wholly overwhelmed by the unexpected, explicit dirty talk but also with the realisation over how unabashedly aroused Illumi sounded, right off the bat. Fingers wandered to his chest where his nipples hardened with the sentences. He imagined Illumi's hands gripping his waist tightly.

His dom went on, “But most of all I want to push you against the wall of the bedroom at home, run my hands over every inch of your body. Hear you whine when I refresh your memory of who you belong to.” Hisoka inhaled, pressing his lips together with a faint sigh. Yes, yes, yes--

“You're always so sensitive when I mark you—but the most lasting marks are in your eyes, the way you look at me after...” Yeah—those are the heart-eyes, darling.

“When you know you're mine.” Only yours.

Hisoka's cheeks were hot already with the image of what Illumi was describing, and he bit back a moan, throwing his head to the side. One of his hands wandered downwards on its own accord, over the ridges of his abs towards his trousers, while the other flicked its thumb over his nipple.

He heard Illumi draw a breath. It almost sounded shaky. “Sometimes it's quite the predicament, you know? A part of me wants to savour every part of you, take my time as usual, and play with you until you beg for me... but from time to time, another part just wants to bend you over with little preamble and take you before you even know what's happening.” Jesus Christ--

Hisoka whined as he bit down on the shirt in his mouth, which was quickly growing wet with his drool. With added urgency, his hand opened the fly of his pants, where his semi-hard cock already strained against his underwear. The ring started to feel tight now. Thank god he was allowed to touch himself. He pushed the fabric down just enough to be able to take himself in hand and heard Illumi chuckle. “You'd like that, hm?”

Hisoka nodded enthusiastically at the prospect of being manhandled. Seeing Illumi's composure snap like that sounded incomparably hot. He greatly appreciated the carefulness he usually received, but having that contrasted by being brought to his knees with force, being used, being spit on maybe—He gave himself a firm stroke and shuddered, images of that version of his dom overtaking his mind. It only took two pumps and generous swirls of his thumb over his slit until he was fully hard.

“Look at you... Always in such a hurry,” Illumi said, causing Hisoka to pinch himself in the chest again. “Don't forget the lube. I know you like it wet.” The sound of the t in that word made Hisoka cant his hips up. “Make yourself feel good like I would.”

Hisoka blinked his lust-veiled eyes open and fished for the lube, quickly slicking his palm before impatiently resuming his touch, jerking with the coldness of the substance. Of course his dom hadn't missed it. He heard him laugh. “Baby, take it slow. I don't want you to finish like this.”

A whine escaped Hisoka as he tried to adjust his fevered movements, the phantom sensation of Illumi's hand grabbing his wrist and his waist, fingers digging in, forcing him to slow down. His hips bucked up again, legs spreading as far as they could with his pants like this. “That's it... Show me.”

It took Hisoka a few seconds to will his hand to a standstill, hesitantly letting go of himself and pushing his pants further down to expose himself. He looked up at the black lens hanging above him reminiscent of the beloved, familiar eyes, catching every detail of his slowly unravelling form. “You're so hard for me already.” Illumi half-whispered. It sounded like praise.

“Look to your left.”

Hisoka gazed at the screen of his laptop, sitting on the nightstand, showing the stream. He watched himself breathe heavily, cock flush and slick and pretty against his pale skin, then the donations flying by, waiting for what Illumi wanted him to see.

make-me-kneel-and-call-me-pretty donated $125: jfc even when you're just on your own I can't look away 🥵 so fkn hot

Slayyyve donated $30: Wish we could hear Pin's voice too!! Must be heaven, you're so lucky!!

OneDickADay donated $59,99: imagine being such a simp you get hard over someone calling you, that's what I call romance

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $750: Take off your pants, spread your legs. Show them my marks on you.

Hisoka took in the instruction and was embarrassed to see his cock twitch on screen in response. He directed his gaze towards the camera again, signalling his obedience with a nod, and then pulled his knees towards his chest as he pushed his pants further down, eventually sliding them off of his legs entirely. He then put his soles back on the mattress and ran his hands along his inner thighs as he slowly spread them, presenting what was left of the marks. It wasn't much after eight full days, just sketchy outlines of what had once been fresh and vividly red hand and ruler marks.

“Almost healed... Time for me to come home soon, then,” Illumi commented, his voice nothing more than a sensual whisper in Hisoka's ear. Golden eyes fell closed once more and he nodded, fingertips running along his thighs, because he was pretty sure Illumi would have done the same, teasing him softly like that until he whined.

Out of nowhere, his dom said, “Sometimes I wonder if you would last even ten seconds if I ever decided to use my mouth on you...”

Hisoka's following gasp came so suddenly he lost the shirt between his lips. A drop of precum fell to his skin and now both hands reached for his cock, and that was probably enough of a clear answer, yet Illumi continued, painting a more detailed picture for his sub, “I would probably blindfold you and tie you up, spread you for me, make sure would be unable to touch yourself or even move... and then, I think, I wouldn't even have to suck you off to make you cum. Just dragging my tongue along would do the trick...”

A moan fell from Hisoka's wet lips, writhing on the sheets as he stroked himself off, speeding up again. He felt every beat of his pulse in his length with the cock ring so tightly against his skin. The wet noises pulled his thoughts towards Illumi's beloved mouth, his tongue, and the way his lips always glistened when their kisses grew sloppy during sex. He would smile down at him with half-lowered lids—One of Hisoka's hands wandered lower, pushing two greedy fingers inside of himself at once. Illumi hummed.

“If you're in such a hurry, go ahead and use the other toy. It would be a shame if you came without it.” Hisoka kept fingering himself, too caught up in the sensations to decide on how to retrieve it, but eventually settled for removing the hand from his dick to fish for the toy. Without ceasing the movement of his fingers, he clumsily lubed it up with one hand, making a mess of his arm and his chest in the process.

“You're so messy...” Hisoka felt his needy hole tightening at the words.

Overcome with the need to be filled up, he smoothly replaced his fingers with the vibrator, massaging the digits along his rim as he pressed the firm silicone form all the way inside. He hissed with the delicious stretch of it. A cleverly designed bulge on the base of the toy pressed against his perineum, already making him lose his mind.

“Good?” Illumi asked. Did he sound breathless or was Hisoka imagining it?

“Yes—...”

“Are you ready for me to turn it on?”

He swallowed around a whine, shaky fingertips skimming his weeping tip, “Mfh—green–”

“Eyes left.”

Hisoka turned his head again, blinking at the screen, his hips already moving restlessly, eager to get started. He knew Illumi would hold him down if he was there, let him squirm and whimper while the thickness inside of him and the tightness around his root was almost enough to make him fall apart, and then surely, his dom would make him—

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $900: You can do better than that. Beg for it, properly.

There it is.

“Please, please, please, Sir—I want it. I beg you, please turn it on, please make me cum, I need you to make me yours—Ah-!!”

The toy inside came to life with powerful, pulsing vibrations and it moved, not a small portion of it pressing repeatedly against his prostate in what felt like semi-rotations, akin to shallow but eager thrusts. What Hisoka hadn't been prepared for: The cock ring now vibrated in unison with the other toy. Noises scrambled, he threw his head back, eyes screwed shut again.

“Ah—hahhh–fuckkk--!” Hisoka tried to keep touching himself, but his cock was already immensely sensitive. So instead, his hands helplessly fisted the sheets while his legs trembled with each aimless rocking of his hips, and eventually his thighs closed, pushing together.

He heard a slight tut coming from the headphones. “Spread them.”

“I can't--”

“You can and you will. Because I will punish you if you don’t.” Despite their paleness, the marks on the inside of Hisoka's thighs seemed to throb with phantom pain. He didn't know how Illumi intended to punish him with thousands of miles keeping them apart – but he wasn't keen on finding out for a variety of reasons.

With great mental effort, he willed his legs apart again, spread himself out like a pretty little whore, and felt another load of precum dribble onto his stomach as soon as Illumi's voice told him, “Well done. Now, touch yourself.”

It didn't matter that his cock was overly sensitive right now. If someone like Illumi said you were to touch yourself, you damn well touched yourself.

Hisoka brushed careful fingertips over his weeping tip and then down his shaft to see just how much he could take right now. He had his answer when that small touch already had him whimpering. The vibrator was still steadily moving inside of him, massaging over the most sensitive spots. When he'd hesitated for too long, one of the artificial thrusts came harder, deeper. He moaned, eyes rolling back.

The voice in his ear returned, “Properly, Hisoka. Until I tell you to stop.”

“Y-yes, Sir.” Hisoka closed his fist around himself and gave himself a stroke, clenching his teeth as the overwhelming pleasure made him shake. He could barely make his hand's movements adapt to the rhythm set by the toys—set by Illumi. Every pump made him cry out, the pressure reaching heights he hadn't thought were possible.

“I-I'm gonna cum--”

“Are you asking for permission?”

“Yes—can I? Please--”

Illumi hummed, stretching his contemplation for a few seconds. On purpose, Hisoka was sure. He shot a pleading look to the camera, hand still obediently moving down below, then looked over at the screen before Illumi even had to tell him. He heard a chuckle coming from the line and watched as the donations flit by in a pace that seemed agonisingly slow all of a sudden.

_sn4tch_ donated $120: show us how pretty you cum 💦💦💦 i'm ready😩🍆

bisexual.disaster.91 donated $15: damn that was quick, but honestly I don't blame ya, pinsandneedles301 made a great choice with those toys and if I had him on the phone like this i'd've creamed my pants right away lmao

ThEwholEcakE donated $66: nooo you can't stop now, it's barely been fifteen minutes!! we need round two if you do! ;_;

PinsAndNeedles301 donated $1250: You have my permission to cum.

“Thank you, Sir-”, Hisoka pressed out, almost gone desperate, and reached down to press the throbbing ring against his balls while closing his fist tighter around himself, his movements growing frenzied. It didn't even take a full ten seconds after that.

He cried out as he came, throwing his head back, spilling cum on his belly and chest in time with the waves of the vibe still in him. The ring prolonged his orgasm even more, the increased tightness causing him to spurt farther up his body than usual. Hisoka trembled with each hot white string hitting his sweat-covered skin, moaning, and then running out of breath to make noises, just lying there, shaking and cumming.

His vision was spotty when he came back around, falling back into the pillows, sucking in the much-needed air. The vibration ebbed and then ceased entirely.

Just as he wanted to remove his hand, Illumi said, “No.” Hisoka halted.

“Eyes left.”

He looked over. As usual, the donations came slower around the time of his climax because many viewers were masturbating in tandem with him, so the only donation currently sitting on screen was:

PinsandNeedles301 donated $1500: I didn't tell you to stop.

Hisoka's eyes widened.

“Take the ring off before you continue,” Illumi said, his tone firm but full of care. “Add some more lube while you're at it, too, and warm it up this time.” Like I would.

There was a small pause where Hisoka followed the instructions. He carefully slid the ring off of his slowly softening cock, and was in the process of lubing himself up when suddenly the other toy came to life with vibrations again. The ring fell out of Hisoka's hands with a wince, and he bit his lip, moaning in the back of his throat.

“Keep going, baby. Until I tell you to stop.”

There wasn't even an ounce of protest in Hisoka's mind, despite his body being spent and overly tender from orgasm. His hand simply closed around his cock again, stroking himself, quivering with the overstimulation of it all. The nails of his other hand dug themselves into the skin of his chest, leaving reddened scratches as they travelled from one side to another. The noises falling from his mouth were nothing short of pornographic, messy.

The toy moved slower now, yet the vibrations were all the more deep, reaching his core. Hisoka felt his quick breaths dictated by their rhythm, shakily stroking himself to hardness again, his cock throbbing and hot to the touch.

“It's—too much--” he whimpered, “I can't...-”

“You can take a bit more. You would happily take it if it was me, wouldn't you?”

“God, yesss—of course I would—” The words made Hisoka's free hand slip from his chest down to the crook of one of his knees, pulling his leg towards his torso, just like Illumi would probably push his legs up, fold him in half. He consequently lifted his pelvis a bit with it, giving the audience a lewd view of the toy working its magic, his pink hole stretching and quivering around it.

He heard a pleased exhale coming from his dom. “Pretty… and all mine.” As if spurred on by the sight, the setting of the toy changed at once – the formerly soft and slow vibrations shifted to strong and intense – shaking his insides like he was standing next to an amp, bass turned all the way up.

Hisoka jerked, crying out, his vision blurring. One of his hands forced his legs to stay apart while the other could barely keep the task of jerking himself off going. He felt his toes curl as the tip of the toy nudged his prostate – insistently, again and again and again.

Illumi sighed, a beautiful, aroused sound as it fell from his lips, and Hisoka belatedly realised he was probably touching himself, too. 

“I wish I could fill you up right now, mark you inside and out with everything I have-...”

Hisoka's movements became nearly erratic with the mental image of Illumi actually coming in him. His pleas were a slurred string of nonsense because he couldn't really form coherent words anymore. But he knew his dom would have no trouble understanding him without words.

“Are you close?” Illumi sounded close himself. Hisoka nodded, nearly shaking out of his own skin, gone completely desperate. “Go ahead then. Come for me.”

The words had barely left Illumi's mouth when Hisoka was overwhelmed by his second orgasm. With his body utterly drained, he couldn't exactly cum again, but he still arched his back as the ecstasy nearly paralysed him. It was more than bliss, it came close to pain, making it impossible to breathe, to think--

A few tears rolled down the sides of his face, into his fiery hair that was utterly dishevelled by now. His thighs shook with every wave and he heard Illumi suppress a moan, his breath hitching in his ear. A long stretch of silence followed, until there was a blissed-out sigh. The toy stopped moving.

Hisoka collapsed back onto the sweat- and lube-stained sheets, with his face hot and his vision blurry, and there was a soft and breathless-sounding “You can stop now,” coming from his dom. Hisoka's hand let go of himself, and he placed it on his cum-covered waist.

The donation sound was still coming steadily, even picking up some speed. As soon as he could breathe again, Hisoka shot a weak, but nonetheless cheeky grin up to the camera.

“You, too, Sir.”

“...Don't make me start round three.” Illumi's voice had dropped a bit but he was too out of breath to make it sound threatening.

Hisoka snickered, and then made to see off his audience and conclude the performance.

-

“Was this the first time you touched yourself during my stream?”

Illumi snorted. “Of course not. Though, granted, generally speaking, I rarely do that... at all.”

Hisoka hummed with a grin, running his fingers through the streaming bath water, watching the bubbles shift with it. Even long-distance, Illumi had insisted on aftercare. They were bathing, together, only separated by time zones, and their conversation had quickly transitioned to asking questions again.

“Should I feel special then?” Hisoka teased.

“You should,” Illumi said. “That's always been my goal.”

Hisoka chuckled, too happy and physically exhausted to be flustered by the sweeping, downright romantic declaration. “Well, you've succeeded. I feel very special.”

Illumi gave a soft laugh, but then fell silent for a few seconds, before his voice continued, softer, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Hisoka massaged a cinnamon-scented treatment into his hair.

Illumi was very careful when he continued. “At the brunch you mentioned your mother teaching you how to sew.” Hisoka looked at the water and saw his freckled reflection's smile faltering a bit.

“...Yeah?”

“I know you said you don't want to talk about your parents, so please stop me if that's still the case.” Hisoka didn’t stop him. Illumi gave him close to half a minute of silence to consider before he continued, “I was just thinking... if you don't mind, I would love to meet her someday. Get to know the woman who raised you.” A weight dropped in Hisoka's stomach.

“Oh, that...” He cleared his throat, ignoring the sudden twinge in his chest. Closing his eyes for a moment, he willed away the pictures of his recent nightmares as best as he could, and tried to stay in the moment.

Deep breath in, long breath out.

The request made sense. Of course Illumi would want to give something back after dragging him to brunch. He was polite and generous like that, which made the gesture all the more ironically cruel. Hisoka laughed dryly, trying hard to not sound unkind as he did. It had probably cost Illumi a lot of courage and overthinking to ask.

Hisoka swallowed, trying to respond. But getting the words to pass his lips was hard. Nearly impossible. Saying it out loud made it so real. He sounded unusually flat when he said, “Illu, she died when I was six.”

The line went completely quiet.

“... I'm so sorry for your loss,” Illumi said, his voice low but steady, and after a short inhale, he added, “My sincerest apologies. I shouldn't have pried.”

Hisoka didn't really know what to say. He didn't want pity. “It's okay,” he muttered. It wasn't really okay, but he didn't want Illumi to feel bad. He'd meant no harm. And even if the situation was uncomfortable, maybe it was the most okay when it was him he was having this conversation with. “I just... haven't really talked about her since then. It feels weird...”

“...Do you want to?”

Hisoka exhaled, rubbing his forehead with a wet hand. “It's hard. But maybe... I should. I mean, we can.” ...I trust you.

Another apprehensive moment passed before Illumi said, “What was she like?”

The question surprised Hisoka. If, to some extent, people knew about his mum, all of the questions were usually directed towards one topic, and one topic only: Her death. How did she die? Was she sick? She was still so young, wasn't she? Was it sudden, did she suffer? What was the aftermath like? Everyone was always more interested in her corpse than her, as a living, breathing person.

Because of that, the memory of his mother's last moments in that sterile hospital bed had been the predominant image of her in Hisoka's mind for the past sixteen years. It haunted him until today. Illumi's inquiry moved his mind away from that moment frozen in his heart, led him back further, to a time where things had been okay.

“She was... incredible.”

He let out another deep exhale, feeling his breath shake a little. Unconsciously, he had pulled his knees to his chest, hugging his arms around. He needed a moment to go on, feeling impossibly small and vulnerable, but Illumi didn't interrupt the silence. Hisoka was wading through so many memories, and most of them were washed-out and distant, only regaining their colour as he vocalised them.

“I think she knew I was queer from the moment I could walk and talk... But she never... questioned or shamed me for it. She was always unconditionally supportive of who I was, even when other adults weren't. She didn't care about their opinions. When I wanted to paint my nails, she just asked me what colour.” He let out a meek laugh, each word flowing a little easier than the last. “And then we always matched.” He looked at his nails, long, perfectly filed and painted, even now. Would they still match if she had stayed...?

Another memory bubbled up. “She even got me a Barbie for my fourth birthday. I wanted nothing more than that doll. She had this dress that changed lengths with the pull of a string. And I think her hair changed too when you wet it.”

“Ah, I think I had that one, too,” Illumi exclaimed. “The purple, glittery one with the off-shoulder top? Runway Sensation-- No... what was it?” Illumi started humming the song that had been playing in the associated ad spot on TV, half-mumbling the lyrics, and upon hearing it, Hisoka's brain was rapidly kickstarted into more vivid memories.

“Runway Reveal Barbie!” they said in unison, and then shared a laugh.

“Oh my god yes, that's the one!” Hisoka said, still chuckling. “I had to have her, I wouldn't shut up about her for at least three months, so my mum decided to take me to the store on my birthday. We went there and the clerk took one look at me and then helpfully directed me towards the ‘boys' section’.”

“Ah yes... great.”

“Right? Imagine the pinkest little toddler in the blue corner of the shop, looking absolutely lost. I didn't care about cars or action figures. When I insisted I wanted the pretty doll, she made an off-hand comment about how boys shouldn't be playing with them, because it'd probably turn me gay. And mum just took one of the action figures off the shelf and said 'Oh yeah, and your solution is buying him a half-naked muscled man? Because I doubt that would turn him straight.'”

Illumi laughed in the way Hisoka loved the most, and it was contagious. He found himself smiling, too. “Then she said something like 'Come on baby, let's be gay somewhere else in peace.'”

“Amazing.”

“So we ended up buying the doll at another place. On the way home she told me to never try and make myself smaller for people like that just to fit in...”

“I can see you took that advice to heart... I'm happy to hear it.” Hisoka smiled a little, the reminder that, even with her gone, a part of his mother was still alive within him warming his insides. Illumi went on, “She truly sounds wonderful.”

“She was. If I could be even half the person she was I'd be happy.” The sentence startled him, as if he had only now discovered the sentiment within himself. Yet the shock over that didn't keep his mouth from continuing his soft praise. “She was the epitome of inventiveness and energy. She was strong without ever being cruel or mean-spirited... I have no idea how she did that. Like, we barely had anything, but she made it work. I never noticed we were poor, because through her creativity it always seemed like we had everything.” Pasta for dinner for seven days a week? She'd turn it into a theme party, each meal a celebratory ritual. No money for the heating bill? Sweater fashion show at home, a thick duvet used as an impromptu cape for tiny Hisoka walking the runway of their living room in mum’s heels. No money for new clothes? Voilà, fixed with colourful patches and hand-sewn embroidery with leftover materials from the theatre, making them unique.

“I remember her being all smiles and confidence, fashionable and proud. No one could tell her shit. I...”

God, I miss her.

His smile turned bittersweet, the hurt gripping him again, but he tried to not let it overwhelm him just yet. He could cry later. When he paid his annual visit to her grave in a few months, maybe. Not now.

“...She would have liked you a lot, I think.”

“I'm sure the feeling would've been mutual...”

Hisoka laughed because it was true. And then he sobbed. And once he'd started, he couldn't stop, the tears quickly following. He hadn't cried over his mother ever since his father had driven the urge out of him through shame and threats. Nowadays he never cried unless during sex, for much nicer reasons. And really, he didn't want to do it now, but if aftercare wasn't the right frame for vulnerability, what was?

Still, his mouth held on to what had been taught to him. No one likes a whiny bitch. “I'm sorry,” he said in between hiccuping sobs, still laughing pathetically as he tried to wash the tears away with the bathing water, “I don't know why I'm crying. So silly...”

“It's not silly,” Illumi said, the words warm and caring, as always. “And it's okay... It can’t be easy, so please, take your time. I'm right here if you need me.”

Something inside of Hisoka's brain shifted, as the other man's words took root in his thoughts. It was like the child inside had finally received permission, a soothing hug, a soft hand on his head, words he hadn't heard in ages.

It's okay. Take your time. I'm here.

He remembered a soft smile. Warm eyes. Freckles on full cheeks. The sharp nose and soft lines of her jaw. His mother's face, clearly, right before him.

The sensation of remembering her was so immense it frightened him in its unstoppable nature. The dam broke again, overwhelmingly sudden, almost violent, and Hisoka pressed a startled hand to his mouth and cried, sixteen years worth of grief breaking out of his mind and body. 

His voice eventually went hoarse with his convulsive gasps, and the tears kept streaming until there was truly nothing left.

He was a crumpled mess in the slowly cooling water of the bath, each sob reducing him further and breaking him open, but after what felt like hours, he took a breath and—there was relief. It wasn't warm or all-encompassing, nothing out of a fairytale, no happy end. It was a raw, crushing and shiver-inducing thing, and it came in the form of shaking limbs and a sore face, but he still recognised that it was good. That it was needed. That maybe, it had been the answer all along.

Because he sat in the middle of a mountain of bricks, walls that had been torn down by the violent waves of his own tears finally allowed to run free, and he could see clearly now.

After spending years of thinking he would never be able to do so again, at last, he could see her.

He sniffed, “...Okay, I think I'm done.” It felt idiotic to say it like that. But it seemed like the most logical announcement to make. He quickly rinsed the salty streaks off of his face, and then the treatment out of his hair.

“How do you feel?” Illumi asked.

“I don't know,” Hisoka croaked. “I feel a lot of things.” He tried to make out one specific notion, and then provided, helpfully, “The water's getting cold.”

“Let's get out, then. Something warm and cosy might be the best for you now.”

“I think so, too...” Hisoka made his way out of the tub and towelled off. He slipped on a bathrobe and took his phone, moving almost on autopilot.

“I have a weighted blanket too, should you need it. It's in my closet, far back on the left, I think.”

“Thanks.” Following the other man's guidance, not even questioning what purpose a weighted blanket held, Hisoka stepped into the walk-in-closet, and he found the object with ease. It was heavy, alright. But more than that... Hisoka lifted it to his face, sniffing it. His eyes fell shut, and he pressed it to his chest. 

It smelled like Illumi.

Once he'd made it all the way to his bed, he understood the intended effects of the blanket immediately. It felt like a tight hug around his body, calming him. The fact that it smelled exactly like his dom helped immensely, too. His fingers absent-mindedly fiddled with the pendant of his day-collar under the covers. Illumi was taking him in through the screen of his phone. They'd switched to video chat again.

“Comfortable?” Hisoka just mumbled and nodded in response, distracted by the way his eyes looked unusually puffy and red in the tiny frame in the upper right corner of the stream. But he was too tired to get up again and fetch the cold eye mask from the fridge downstairs, a bit surprised by the fact that being seen while looking so imperfect and rough didn't bother him. He could deal with the fallout of his weeping tomorrow.

Illumi took his sleeping pills and then leaned back against his pillows, looking over at his phone, at Hisoka. “Only two more days.” A subdued smile played on his lips, and Hisoka found himself mirroring him. “I can't wait to see you again.”

“Me neither...” Just the thought of their first kiss, their first hug at their reunion--

“I might not be able to call you tomorrow, though.” Oh.

Hisoka cast a tired glance towards the screen, frowning. Illumi's features softened a barely perceptible amount. “I know, I'm sorry. It's the last day, so we're hosting a dinner for the team to celebrate the cooperation, and it's custom here to do that until late in the night. I doubt father and I will catch any sleep before we have to depart for the airport on the last day.”

“You'll fly on the morning of the tenth day then?”

“Yes.”

“Can you call me before you board?”

“It'll be the middle of the night for you.”

“Please do either way... I don’t mind if you wake me up. I just want to hear your voice and wish you a safe flight. Doesn't have to be long.” And you still owe me one for the kiss you didn't give me when you left.

“Alright. I will.”

“Because I asked so nicely,” Hisoka said, neither his face nor his voice translating the grin he felt in his mind. But Illumi chuckled, nonetheless.

“Precisely.”

-

True to his word, Illumi called him. It was two a.m., and the ringtone ripped Hisoka from a dreamless sleep. He hadn't had any nightmares ever since their last session. He hadn't figured out yet why exactly that was, but he had used the opportunity to make up for the recent loss of sleep as best as he could, spending most of day nine on the couch or dozing in bed.

Without bothering to turn on the lights, he blindly reached for his phone and sleepily picked up, only grunting quietly to announce the fact that he had answered it. It was the best translation of 'I’m so happy you called me' his brain currently had to offer.

“Hello, Hisoka.” Illumi's voice sounded a little strained. Just like he had announced, he probably hadn't gotten any sleep. “I'm at the gate. You wanted me to call you before we boarded, remember?”

“Yeah...” Hisoka yawned, only half-awake. “When will you be home...?”

“Around three or four p.m. your time. I'll make sure to hurry.” Illumi's words felt like an embrace, reassuring fingers buried in his hair.

“Mm... don't rush. Just make sure you don't crash anywhere on the way back.”

Illumi gave a soft chuckle, “I'll try.” There was a loud announcement in the background, in Spanish. “Ah, we're boarding now. I have to go.”

“Okay,” Hisoka said. “Be safe, I love you.”

He waited for Illumi to say goodbye and hang up so he could go back to sleep and shave off some more of their time spent apart.

He knew something was wrong when it didn't happen. Yet the line had gone dead silent, to a point where it seemed strangely deafening. He lifted the phone to have a look at the screen. Yes, the call was still running--

“...What did you just say?” Illumi said, and his voice sounded off in a way Hisoka couldn’t place.

He blinked, unease spreading within him suddenly at the shift in tone. He didn't know what exactly he had said-- “Mh...?”

“You...” Illumi's voice was slightly clipped. Hisoka heard him swallow, his next phrase half a question. “You just said you love me.”

Ice filled his veins as the realisation hit him, punching the tiredness from his system and replacing it with sheer and utter panic.

No—No, no, no, no, no--

“I- ...” There was a lump in his throat, cutting off his words.

I'm dreaming. Please. I must be dreaming. I did not just confess-

Deny it—Just lie.

Are you crazy?! Do NOT lie to him!!

Illumi was eerily quiet. His silence was so very telling. In contrast, Hisoka's pulse was unnaturally loud in his ears as his alarmed brain tried to make sense of the situation, rushing to find anything that resembled a solution. But all there was was blame. This all could've been avoided if he hadn't insisted on the other man calling – what had he been thinking?? What had he been trying to achieve? How could he undo this?

“I'm so sorry,” he stammered.

“You're sorry,” Illumi repeated, his tone rigid. Did he sound angry or was Hisoka imagining it?? Fuck--

“No—I mean,-...fuck, I didn’t mean to–” Hisoka trailed off, voice breaking, head reeling. This was all wrong. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. It hadn’t been supposed to happen at all.

His worst nightmares were coming to life in real time, and he could do nothing to stop them. He couldn't find any words, all of them feeling unsuitable on the tip of his tongue.

Every agonising second of silence underlined one very apparent face: Illumi wasn't saying it back.

Illumi wasn't reassuring him.

Illumi didn't sound happy or positively surprised.

Illumi was simply—quiet.

Distantly, he heard Silva's deep voice calling his son, closely followed by another announcement over the speakers, this time in English. Last call for business class passengers to board the plane.

“I'll be right there,” Illumi said to his father, perfectly neutral. Hisoka's throat closed up.

Don't leave me like this.

“Illumi–” Silva said, impatience giving an unnecessary sharpness to his son’s name.

“For fuck’s sake–I said give me a minute!!” Illumi snapped, and the entirely unfamiliar, unfiltered frustration and anger in his voice startled Hisoka into complete stillness. He had never heard him talk like that. And he was pretty sure Silva hadn’t either. 

…Hisoka knew in that very moment, he had fucked up, big time.

“...I’m sorry,” Illumi said to his father, falling back into perfectly performed neutrality. “Please go ahead, I promise I’ll be quick.” 

Silva wasn’t responding anymore but the prolonged silence made Hisoka shiver with the image of his stony face saying more than words ever could. After a few seconds, Illumi sighed.

“I have to go now,” he said, his words controlled in a way that seemed distant. But Hisoka was more than aware that the other man was bewildered. Upset. Angry, maybe.

And it was entirely Hisoka’s fault.

He couldn't reply. He was frozen in shock and fear. He could barely breathe. There was no way he could undo this. Unbidden, Chrollo's words made their cruel comeback in his mind.

At least I have one consolation, because I know you will end up alone.

“...We will talk about this when I'm home, okay?” Illumi said. Hisoka's jaw clenched so much his teeth gave an audible creak.

This will all come back to you in one way or another. And then, maybe, you'll understand.

“...okay,” he whispered in response, not recognising his own voice.

“Goodbye, Hisoka.”

I hope it will tear you apart.

The lightbulb popped.

Illumi hung up.

Chapter Text

“You can't stay.”

The words drove an icicle into his heart, freezing him in place. Hisoka couldn't respond right away, the inconceivability of the statement robbing him of the ability to form any coherent thoughts, but eventually an incredulous laugh made it past his lips. He looked at the man standing across from him in their living room with his unreadable, dark eyes. He didn't laugh.

“...you're joking.” Please tell me you're joking.

“I'm not.” 

Hisoka paled, the reality of the situation slowly dawning on him. 

“I need you out by the end of the week.”

Nausea gripped him. The shock stretched the silence into half a minute before he could even begin to fumble for a response. He had so many questions. Had he done something wrong? He’d been so careful to be perfect, to never whine– Why so suddenly, why now? What was he supposed to do if he lost this home? He barely had any money, and he couldn't go back there, never again. There was nothing left for him. 

This was all he had. 

He had been so sure he had finally found a place to stay, where he could be himself, where he was allowed to take up space and breathe. A person to share his life with.

“...You know I have nowhere else to go.” The sentiment passed his lips as half a whisper, as if saying it too loud would make it reality.

The man across from him sighed, almost theatrically, like Hisoka was making his day unnecessarily difficult. “Look, Hiso, this has been fun and all, but--”

“Fun,” Hisoka interrupted, his voice flat, full of disbelief. His eyebrows tensed. “Is that all this was for you...?” All I am? “Fun?”

“What, you thought we were dating or something?”

What little colour had remained now drained from Hisoka’s face. He swallowed. Of course he had thought that. Why wouldn't he? They had been living together for close to a year now. They went on dates. They shared a bed. They had sex most days. This was his home. And this was his boyfriend, or so he had been led to believe–

Feeling the desperation rise, Hisoka pressed out, “But I love you.” 

It was the first time he said it out loud. It had never felt safe to do so, but now he had to, because it was the truth. And maybe it would cause the other man to have a change of heart if he truly knew how much–

Ethan cocked his head, a cruel twitch of a smile in the corner of his mouth, easily indicating what the most breakable part of Hisoka had long since suspected but never wanted to admit. “Come on. This was just a fling.” 

His throat closed up, bitterness rising. 

It wasn't for me, Hisoka couldn’t say, but it didn’t seem to matter, because Ethan already continued, “My roommate will come back from her year abroad on Friday, so I need you to go.”

Roommate... the spare bedroom Hisoka had been allowed to use. “Your sister? I don't understand–she can have her room back, I share yours anyway and—”

A chuckle interrupted him, like he had said something immensely stupid. “Wow, you still didn't realise that that was a lie, huh?” Hisoka’s heart sank. A part of him had always been suspicious, but the years spent with his father had left him so exhausted and drained with all the conflict, he’d wanted to brush his paranoia aside in this home, at least. Here, he had desperately clung to something that had felt like safety, even if it wasn't perfect, and hadn’t dared to ask too many questions in order to keep it for as long as possible. 

Ethan looked directly at him when he continued, almost as if he was proud for having led him on for such a long time, like his misplaced trust was somehow the butt of a joke. “She's not my sister. She's my girlfriend. Now, do you get why I need you out?”

Something inside of Hisoka shattered into tiny pieces – and the fragility gave way to something reckless and searing underneath.

What followed was a blur to him.

Maybe, if he hadn't snapped, he could've gone out with his head held high, a shred of dignity left. He could have moved on, convinced himself everything was going to be okay, that it was better like this. Like he had done when his father had thrown him out.

Maybe, if he hadn't snapped, he could've packed his things in peace, and used the remaining days to make a plan, find a new home. A friend’s couch to stay on. A motel at least.

Maybe, if he hadn't snapped, he would have received a final kiss instead of a black eye and a split lip.

But Hisoka had snapped. He let the raw sense of loss turned white-hot rage fuel his actions, resulting in Ethan with bruises lining his cheekbone and jaw where Hisoka had punched him without thinking, cutting his own palm open with the sharp edges of his fingernails in the process, profanities and slurs ricocheting off their walls. 

Ethan’s voice was his father’s voice was his own voice.

Don’t be such a little bitch. Don’t make this complicated. You should have known.

You. Deserve. Nothing.

Less than an hour after their final, violent collision that had brought all the lies, the entire illusion of safety to a full stop, Ethan kicked him out. It was right before nightfall.

Hisoka stood there on the threshold of the apartment he had called home for the last year, a fraction of his life crammed into the washed out, yellow-and-grey duffle bag slung over his shoulder. A shoebox of memories in his fraught, aching hands, his knuckles swollen and red, his palm still bleeding. The same items that had always marked farewell for him. It was all that he was allowed to keep.

Nothing to gain. Everything lost. Back to square one.

“I don’t know where to go,” he said out loud, but mostly to himself.

“Any street corner will do. You have a pretty face. I bet someone will pick you up in no time.”

Hisoka’s jaw grew tense. In a matter of a few hours, his role had gone from presumed boyfriend to affair to private hooker. Unbeknownst to him, he had always paid in one way or another, huh? What he had mistaken as genuine affection and goodwill turned out to be nothing more than a simple exchange, a soulless give and take. Only now Ethan had taken everything, and Hisoka had nothing left to offer.

Their eyes met one last time. Just two people on the verge of becoming strangers again.

“Don't come back.” Ethan's last words rang in his ears before the door slammed shut, key turning in the lock right after. Hisoka exhaled a crushing breath, casting a glance down the street just as the lamps flickered on.

He was on the brink of seventeen. 

It was the second time he'd been made homeless. 

He had no way of knowing if it would be the last.

Would he ever reach a point where something was truly his? Something—someone he was allowed to keep, to love? Somewhere he was allowed to stay?

Stop whining. Move on. Be smarter next time.

Hisoka swallowed, willing his panic away. Despite his cruelty, Ethan had taught him a valuable lesson:

No one gets anything for free. No home. Certainly no love. Hisoka had been naïve to assume otherwise. He hadn’t been in on the game, but he wouldn’t make the same mistake again, open himself just like that, without ensuring there would be an adequate pay-off. He knew the rules now. Give and take.

This has been fun.

But I love you.

You have a pretty face.

But I love you.

Don’t come back.

But I–...

No. No more. He would never allow himself these feelings ever again.

-

He recovered over the next few months. He got a job. Two, in fact. So after a few nearly sleepless weeks of staying at the cheapest motel in town and eating one meal a day, he found himself an apartment. 

It was small and draughty, but it was his. And no one would take it away again.

He found ways to keep the loneliness at bay. Maybe he hadn’t loved Ethan, he told himself when some time had passed. Maybe the sex had just been nice. And sex – as he found out – was nice with most people. It was also what most people had to offer in terms of value – besides maybe money they were willing to spend on him, in the form of drinks or nights at nice hotels, if he was lucky – but Hisoka didn’t mind. He made sure he always got what he wanted now. No more mistakes.

His pretty face did come in handy more often than he had expected, and he kept expanding the use of it. The needy, pathetic teen boy with freckled cheeks slipped away as his confidence built with every encounter with a stranger he could bend to his whim, every layer of makeup applied, every new outfit that lined the rails in his closet.

Fake it till you make it held a lot more truth than he’d ever expected. Once he started acting like it didn’t bother him what other people thought of him, it became a universal truth.

Suddenly life got easy, laughably so. He cut off everyone who got too close, always keeping on top of everything. He was smarter now – people would come running if he kept smiling, kept up appearances. Being fun turned from his biggest disadvantage, the biggest point of shame, into his biggest weapon. No strings attached on his end. It gave him power. 

People would even offer him money to have him all for themselves. Of course he never seriously considered bowing down to anyone, not like that. But the information was useful, and he would have been a fool to pass up the opportunity, so knowing there was a market, he set up his own rules to make it work. Around his nineteenth birthday, he went online, and not much later–

Flush_Of_Hearts was born. 

Something separate from his past, his fears, the part of him that still felt too small from time to time behind closed doors. When the cameras turned on, every part of him that wasn’t alluring, confident and in control turned off.

And people ate him up.

It didn’t take long for him to accumulate savings that helped put some of his more substantial dreams back on the agenda: Fashion school. Making a name for himself. Becoming truly independent.

Fuelled by the positive feedback online and spite for the world that had wronged him, You deserve nothing turned into I deserve everything.

And it felt so good.

Sure, he was on his own. 

But he was safe. 

Safe enough to demand whatever he wanted without giving any part of himself away.

[New message – Just now]

PinsAndNeedles301: Good evening. I’m not sure if you’re fond of DMs (I’m new to your stream and this platform in general, so I am not that familiar with the etiquette yet) but I did not want to pass up the chance to tell you that I have never found myself enjoying this type of content as much as I did when I discovered you recently. It’s admirable and inspiring to see how much effort you put into your craft. Thank you for sharing your streams. I am sincerely looking forward to your next one and I hope whatever inspires and motivates you never ceases to come to you. Best regards.

Oh wow, someone had a lot of time on their hands, huh? Hisoka scanned the message again. So polite… Wait, hadn’t the user just sent him half a grand during his stream? He checked his donations again, quickly finding the username he was looking for. Yep, five hundred dollars, just like that. In fact, he had been sending three-digit-donations for a while now… Hisoka raised his eyebrows. My, this one had the deepest pockets yet. Hm, and no dick pic or demands… Better keep them close for now.

Flush_Of_Hearts: Oooh, hi & welcome aboard, Pins! ♡♡♡ And thank you for your generous donations, wow! I’m glad to see you enjoyed the show~ ;)

PinsAndNeedles301: It’s the least I can do. Thank you again.

Hisoka giggled reading the message. 

What an utterly promising beginning… 

-

The feeling of finality was nothing but paralysing.

He had always imagined panic attacks to be like in the movies: Hyperventilation, hysterics, rocking back and forth or punching the wall. All the dramatic exaggeration. He'd expected them to be loud. Yet the state he now found himself in was the complete opposite: He was unable to move.

The call had ended in the middle of the night, and Hisoka had quietly watched the hours tick by ever since. Dawn had come and gone. It was close to noon now. 

Distantly, he knew that his eyes were dry and hurting. That his hands were cramping. That he had a pounding headache. And still, he felt utterly separated from his own body, because the turmoil in his mind drowned out everything else. 

Naked fear and extreme exhaustion fought for the upper hand, forcing him into a state of limbo, of overwhelming stagnancy. While his mind was screaming to move and do something, his body was sitting motionless on the edge of his bed, the empty, open duffel on the floor between his feet, and Hisoka couldn't do anything but stare. The only remaining sound in the entirety of the condo was the dull, uneven heartbeat in his ears.

His hand was still clutching the cellphone.

Illumi would be home in a few hours. Even after hanging up, his words never left Hisoka's mind, making their rounds, overlapping each other in a never-ending carousel of thoughts.

You just said you love me.

I have to go now.

We'll talk about this when I'm home, okay?

Three simple statements his fear was refusing to let go, as if it could find the hidden meaning if it just examined them a little bit closer again and again. Hisoka tried unballing his fists, unsuccessfully. With every new iteration, the deepest, most scarred part of him provided new possible translations.

You just said you love me.

I don't love you back.

I will never love you back.

How dare you have these feelings?

You can’t even keep the promise you made to yourself.

I have to go now.

You're not important right now.

I will not forgive you for what you just did.

This is your punishment.

We'll talk about this when I'm home, okay?

There will be no conversation.

It will be a goodbye.

You're going to have to leave.

This was never your home to begin with.

This was never your home to begin with…

This had never been his home to begin with. 

The thought snapped him out of his stupor. Hisoka blinked hard, taking a breath, finally able to move. He tossed his phone aside and stood, then approached his closet and started stuffing the essentials into the bag. He had a few hours to pull himself together. 

If he didn't go ballistic, maybe he would have a chance to pick up the rest of his things at a later point. 

If he remained calm and polite, maybe he could even stay for a while longer. 

Maybe, if he could stick to the rules, to the role, Illumi would forgive him his mistake. And if he didn't...

Hisoka zipped the duffle shut, tossing it next to the door, ready to be picked up within seconds if things went sideways. Crouching down, he fished for the shoebox from underneath his bed. It was slightly dented, and stained, the oldest thing he owned. Staring at the dried-up, rigid rubber bands holding the lid in place, he thought about their recent calls. Illumi had asked to see his old pictures, see her, and Hisoka had agreed to let him. Unbidden, his mother's face entered his thoughts again. 

No, not now.

You make me too soft.

Suddenly he was all too aware of what the crying had left him with: Bareness. Scattered bricks. No walls he could hide behind, nothing but ugly vulnerability at the forefront of his mind. His instincts told him to leave before Illumi ever came home. To just run. Money wasn’t an issue anymore.

But there was a relatively new, equally substantial part of him that insisted: Stay.

He couldn't discern if it was his own voice or Illumi's.

Something that told him that maybe, if he stayed, there was still hope to fix it. He didn't know how. All things considered, and judging by his experiences, it was a laughable, futile sentiment. But Illumi had never been what he had expected him to be. He wasn't like the others, was he...? And staying was the respectful thing to do. He owed Illumi at least that: Respect. A thank you for all the things he had done for him. An apology. And a proper goodbye. 

The last thought stung so intensely it made Hisoka's throat close up, and he tried his best to will the threat of tears away.

Putting the unopened shoebox atop his duffel, he left his bedroom for the bathroom, determined to make himself presentable and rebuild his shield, layer by layer. 

-

It was roughly an hour after he had received the “We've landed.” text when Illumi opened the door to their apartment. Hisoka was sitting out on the terrace, by the pool. He withdrew his hands from the pendant of the day collar when he heard the sounds from the hallway. After taking a deep breath, he turned around.

Despite more than a few metres of distance spanning between them, their eyes immediately found each other. Illumi wore an expression that communicated many things: fatigue, frustration, and above it all, an alarming stillness and rigidity, something that only came out when he was under immense stress. In spite of his heart immediately jumping with fear of what was to come, Hisoka stood up slowly, face trained still.

“Welcome home.”

He didn't miss how the corner of Illumi's mouth twitched with the words. No smile, no. Teeth pressing together. His dom didn't even bother taking off his shoes. Suitcase abandoned in the hallway, he made a beeline for the terrace with such determination in his stride and white-knuckling tension in his hands that, for a split-second, Hisoka was sure he would be met with violence, but instead two arms slung themselves around his body and he was firmly pressed to Illumi's front.

“Thank god you’re home…” he said, and the unabashed relief colouring the sentence stole the air from Hisoka’s lungs. Of course, Illumi had likely realised Hisoka’s urge to just run away again. He knew him well enough. Too well, really. 

Hisoka felt the fingers fist in the fabric of his shirt. “I'm so upset with you...” Illumi whispered, his voice rough. It took a few seconds until Hisoka was able to inhale, able to respond.

“I know...” he said simply.

From the second the other man had left the condo ten days ago, he had craved to be in his vicinity again. Every fibre of his being had been looking forward to this exact moment. He feared–no, he knew that it would be short-lived. But maybe, just for now, he was allowed to indulge...? Maybe it would be the last time he would ever be able to do so.

Hisoka carefully slid his hands to the other man's back, to see if his touch would be permitted. Illumi hugged him tighter in return, so he let himself put his arms around him fully and pull him a little closer. They slotted together like countless times before and stood unmoving for a while, simply pressing their bodies against one another – as if to keep each other from slipping away, in every sense of the word. To reestablish a foundation. Of what exactly, he wasn’t sure. Hisoka tried to silence his fear by savouring the moment, drinking all of the sensations in. Because nothing felt more right than to hold Illumi like this. But at the same time it just intensified the fear of potential loss, promising a nearly unbearable amount of pain on the flipside.

He couldn't stand the thought of the warmth in his arms, against his chest vanishing.

Just a little longer, please–

Illumi was the first to let go. This close Hisoka could now see how red his eyes were – from dry, conditioned cabin air, lack of sleep, or crying, he didn't know. Maybe it was none of these things. Maybe it was all three. Illumi took a deep breath, gaze wandering along Hisoka’s features before firmly locking with his eyes again. “We need to talk.”

Hisoka nodded, unable to look back for too long as shame over his mistake washed over him again. 

“Yeah,” he agreed simply, keeping his face as neutral as he could while staring at both of their feet. Trying to cling to some semblance of normalcy, fuelled by the visible exhaustion and unease Illumi displayed, Hisoka added, “I know we do and I promise I'm not trying to stall, but maybe we should… get some rest first.” Sleep deprivation and heightened emotions were a truly terrible mix. Add jet lag and the general stress of a ten day business trip to the formula and you had the perfect recipe for a disaster.

But Illumi said, “I won’t be able to rest until we’ve talked.”

“...a shower first, then?”

Illumi’s eyebrow tensed minimally and he shifted in the shoes he had no doubt been wearing for at least twelve hours at this point. Hisoka sensed the opportunity to lighten the mood by making a callback to the cheesy aftermath of a long journey, but his flimsy attempt was shut down before it ever started when Illumi insisted, “Later.”

“What about food? I could make us some–”

“No, Hisoka. We will talk first.”

Hisoka swallowed, fear constricting his throat. Despite his tone only holding a fraction of the frustration he had heard towards the end of the call, directed at Silva, Hisoka wasn’t keen on attracting the same kind of vitriol. Still, he still didn’t feel good about leaving Illumi in a worn-out, uncomfortable state while there was still a long and heavy conversation ahead, so he tried again, “Okay, then… let me  get you a drink, at least. I need one, too.” 

He walked past the other man and ventured inside. Illumi followed him after a brief moment of hesitation and simply watched as he filled up two tall glasses with ice. 

To his detriment, Hisoka realised that the condo seemed even quieter with Illumi’s return.

Just a few moments later, each with a glass of chilled water in their hands, they both sat on the couch. While Hisoka was sipping his drink, Illumi was staring into middle space, holding his glass with both hands, still silent. His general state was slowly starting to concern Hisoka. A lot. He wasn't the type to space out or be silent like this. Despite his insistence on having the talk, he now seemed clueless about where to start. Hisoka didn't blame him; he couldn't have helped him with that even if he'd wanted to. He was so tired it was hard to form any coherent thought, and would’ve been happy to just sweep the entire call and all of its revelations under the rug. 

At some point Illumi inhaled, vision refocusing with the decision he had apparently just made. His black eyes found Hisoka, and he announced, “I'm terrified to have this conversation with you.”

Oh. 

Hisoka still didn't allow his face to betray any emotion, not even a fraction of the welling confusion that tried to scrunch his eyebrows. What possible reason could Illumi have to be terrified? He wasn’t the one who had accidentally confessed at the worst possible moment. Hisoka could understand if his feelings were unwanted, maybe uncomfortable for the other man, but terrifying? Illumi didn’t have anything to lose, did he?

When he didn’t continue on his own, Hisoka asked, “Why...?”

“I've had similar ones before. Multiple times.” With his former subs…? Keyword former. That probably wasn’t a good sign. Cold sweat gathered on Hisoka’s hairline and he avoided his gaze, unable to keep eye contact any longer. The last bits of his hope started to dwindle. 

Illumi took a breath as if to try and keep calm. “...Did you mean what you said or was it an accident?”

The sentence hung heavily in the air between them.

Whatever Hisoka said now, he couldn’t pass off as a slip-up. 

This was it. A choice. 

He could hide behind his walls and lie. Return to the persona. Illumi’s entire demeanour already betrayed the fact that he wasn’t thrilled about Hisoka’s feelings towards him. So maybe, if he denied everything, things would be okay and they could go back to just being contract partners, have a laugh and then have sex until the endorphins overwrote every bit of negativity and doubt. But if Illumi caught his lie – and he always did – it could potentially ruin everything further and drive him away for good. Hisoka had made a promise to try and talk openly, and Illumi deserved the truth. 

But then again, what if it was the wrong way to go about this? What if it upset him even more? Hisoka had no idea what either choice would mean for the both of them. 

Everything hinged on his response.

He chewed the inside of his cheek, gaze flitting around the room, pulse hot and loud in his ears. The breaths he tried to take didn’t even seem to make their way into his lungs.

“I was half-asleep, so I guess it counts as an accident, but… I meant it,” he said, the words barely audible in the oppressing silence.

The other man sat still in the corner of his eye and when he didn’t react, Hisoka forced himself to glance at him again. 

Illumi was wide-eyed and pale.

One of his hands was balled into a white-knuckling fist resting in his lap. The other one held the glass with equal amounts of tension, so much so that Hisoka feared the glass would shatter under the force.

…Wrong choice, Hisoka thought.

The repeated confession left Illumi’s mouth taut, expression and posture unchanged. Hisoka could see his teeth tighten against each other again. He suppressed the urge to apologise. More so, he suppressed the urge to run.

Illumi took an inhale that sounded close to a hiss – like the parting of his lips had ended a state of vacuum in his body. Then he closed his eyes, his fear giving way to an emotion Hisoka was unable to clearly define; the scrunched brows could mean anything from disappointment to rage. 

All of a sudden, Illumi’s gaze searched Hisoka’s face with such intensity that it startled him. 

“I don’t understand why–” he said, sounding almost breathless, his voice dropping into a pressured half-whisper, “You said it was a hard limit. Twice. Only recently, too. I trusted your words, and I–” He trailed off just as bitterness bled into his voice. The glass creaked under the pressure of his grip. Every word seemed to become harder for him to push out. “I told you I wasn’t ready for this.” The words were laced with such immense hurt that Hisoka's stomach sank with the realisation of what his actions had done to Illumi.

This wasn’t about his confession per se.

This wasn’t about the terrible timing either. 

It was about betrayed trust. 

Hisoka felt like they were sitting by the poolside all over again, their first contract negotiation gone horribly wrong. Illumi’s words came from that night back to him with disarming clarity.

Every time someone gets closer to me on an emotional level, it never feels right, like I cannot reciprocate.

That's why I'm shying away from seeking that out... and also why this arrangement we have works so well for me.

I know what to expect from it. I don't want anything more or less from it.

Hisoka hadn’t listened. He hadn’t understood. And he had withheld a key piece of information.

Unlike Illumi. 

Illumi had laid himself bare to him, raw honesty about his boundaries, his wishes – making sure to build his own safe space within the lines of their contract – and Hisoka just. hadn’t. listened.

He felt sick with his own ignorance.

“I’m so sorry,” Illumi said, gentle to the best of his abilities, even now, and judging by the way his voice shook, Hisoka was sure they were the same level of terrified right about now. He inhaled deeply, and–

“I cannot give you that.” 

I don’t love you back.

–there it was. He had known the soft and caring letdown would wound him the worst. He had tried to brace for it. He had tried to make himself numb to it before it happened. But now it was here, and it hurt so much worse than he had imagined it would, and in ways that he hadn’t anticipated at all. Because it wasn’t just his own heartbreak or the feeling of rejection, no. 

It was the way he had hurt Illumi.

The way he had learned nothing.

The way he had missed the opportunity to make the adjustment to his hard limits known when he could’ve. 

The way he had failed to better himself and had let down the person who meant the most to him in the process.

In the overwhelming void the moment left him with, Hisoka simply nodded, once. 

“I’m sorry,” Illumi repeated, even though he had nothing to apologise for.

“No, it’s–” Hisoka tried to say, but his voice broke, so he cleared his throat instead, and then he didn’t know how to end the sentence anymore. The shock seeped deeper into his body. Walls were useless against this all-encompassing feeling of regret and loss. His gaze fell to the floor.

He recounted all of their interactions. The soft smiles, the ever-present touches, the hint of adoration in every glance his dom had cast at him. The goddamn heart-eyes. Had he misread it all, projected his own hopes and feelings onto everything, just to happily ignore what Illumi had told him to his face? 

Hisoka searched the other man’s features.

Ironically, it was Illumi who looked heartbroken. His big dark eyes were far from their usual impassiveness, threatening to glaze over. Hisoka wished he could do anything to make it better for him, for the both of them.

They were both on the verge of tearing up. Hisoka felt disoriented, dizzy, and he had no clue how to take even a single step forward or back. But he had to say something.

“I… completely misunderstood,” he tried. “I’m sorry, I–I didn’t mean to upset you. That’s the last thing I want.”

“I know.” Illumi still looked agitated. He didn’t move.

When the apology did nothing to ease the tension, Hisoka’s brows knitted in confusion. What was he missing now? Weren’t all the cards on the table? 

“...Which part of this conversation are you terrified about…?”

The muscles in Illumi’s jaw worked and for the first time ever, he avoided Hisoka’s gaze. His voice had dropped a bit when he said, “...the one where you decide whether you leave or stay.” 

“Oh,” Hisoka said and looked onto the carpet. “I wasn’t aware that was my choice to make.”

“Of course it is.” This is your and my home for as long as you want it to be. “I won’t force you if you don’t want to stay, but I– for what it’s worth, I want you to.”

A part of Hisoka wanted to be happy about that. He tried to be thankful for it. Very hard. But he couldn’t bring himself to appreciate it. Every time he saw Illumi now, he would be reminded of how unwanted his feelings were. How inappropriate they were. How much they had crossed the other man’s boundaries, and how much hurt his mistake had brought. Staying didn’t seem like a viable option.

But what was the alternative? Could he leave? A life without Illumi was unthinkable at this point.

…I can’t make this choice.

“Why… would you want me to stay?”

“You’re my submissive,” Illumi said without hesitation. “I didn’t collar you on a whim or for fun, I–...I care about you, deeply. You’re one of the most important people in my life. I don’t want to lose you.”

Then why can’t you love me?

“...getting mixed signals here, Illu,” Hisoka said dryly as the sting in his chest intensified. The myriad of negative feelings grew close to becoming so overwhelming that his mind automatically shifted to something that felt a little less like helplessness: anger.

Can he even blame me for developing feelings for him when he constantly says shit like that?

Why did he make me say I’m his when he doesn’t want me?

Why was he so eager and happy about the contract but wouldn’t want a relationship?

Am I that unthinkable of a possible partner to him…?

Illumi had a desperate glint in his eye, like Hisoka was once again failing to understand him. “You can care about someone without being romantically involved.”

Think before you respond. Don’t let the anger get the better of you. Don’t– 

“...in other words I’m good enough to fuck but not much else, huh?”

Illumi’s breath hitched and his eyes widened briefly. “You’re twisting my words.”

Stop talking, stop– “You need no help when it comes to that. Did you tell all of that to your last subs, too? How many times did you have this conversation, exactly?” If possible, Illumi seemed to pale further. His mouth snapped shut. Meanwhile, Hisoka’s mouth ran ahead at full speed, so quick that his logic had trouble keeping up or interjecting, while his inner voices did a terribly convincing job telling him that his anger was justified.  “And where would we even go from here, if I stayed?” He couldn’t imagine the both of them just going back to having sex and acting like nothing had happened. The thought alone hurt. 

Tell me who you belong to.

You’re important.

You should feel special. That has always been my goal. 

What if he lied to me? 

Apparently, a part of Hisoka had still been naïve. He felt like an idiot now.

Maybe Illumi had never wanted all of him. Just the parts he enjoyed. Just the parts he could control.

“...How can you ask me to stay? Do you have any idea how cruel that is?” 

Illumi’s eyes darted back and forth – he was visibly straining to find anything that resembled a solution, but it was clear that he was far too exhausted to come up with anything substantial at this very moment. And the longer the silence lasted, the more doubts made their way into Hisoka’s mind. 

Illumi said, “I don’t know how we can get back to what we had, but I am willing to try. And as I said, I won’t force you to stay if you want to leave.” His face was growing closer to the impassive mask again with every word. His polite diplomacy, his demeanour returning to the nearly untouchable composure had Hisoka seeing red. Illumi continued, “I’m sorry if I… gave off the impression that I could give you these things. I thought we were on the same page about the limits.”

Hisoka was close to blowing a fuse. His voice had risen considerably when he spoke next. “If I remember correctly, the hard no to romance was my limit, not yours. It never was or did you fail to mention it? I didn’t see it anywhere in our contract, so pardon me if I made assumptions while you told me on a daily basis how much you adore me and showered me with gifts and compliments. Even my exes didn’t lovebomb me the way you always do. Maybe there is a reason why you’ve had this conversation multiple times, Illumi.”

“Hisoka–”

“If you don’t have feelings for me that’s fine… I can deal with that. But stop treating me like you do.”

Mortification cracked Illumi’s mask. 

Wordless, he stared at Hisoka. Hisoka stared back.

“You keep telling me you ‘cannot give me that’... What do you even mean by ‘that’? Romance? Dating? Because you’ve taken me on countless dates already. We share a bed, we share a condo, we share our time whenever we can. So what is it that you’re not ready for? What is it you’re so afraid of? What would even be the difference between this and a relationship in your eyes? Can you really look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing?” 

Illumi looked him in the eye, and said, “... I don’t know what I feel. I didn’t expect it to come up any time soon, so I didn’t… give it much thought. I apologise.”  Are you fucking kidding me right now?

“...You didn’t give it much thought,” Hisoka repeated, “when everyone and their dog pointed it out to us at every opportunity.” Illumi shrank back a few inches. Hisoka cocked his head, leaning in. “No, I think you didn’t want to think about it.” Because a camboy didn’t fit in the life of a billionaire bachelor who was looking to marry. A wave of bitterness made its way through the raging anger, doing nothing to lessen it. Hisoka’s voice was a tiny bit quieter when he continued. “...Well, I did. And I’m not asking for anything other than what we had before, what we already have.” I’m not an idiot, I know where I stand. “I’m willing to never mention it again if it makes you happy, and I will gladly try to make it more comfortable for you. So tell me what exactly the big deal is.”

Illumi said nothing, seemingly having turned into stone. A tiny scoff escaped Hisoka at the non-reaction. He stood up and Illumi actually startled with the movement. Almost immediately he rose to his feet as well. 

“Hisoka, please,” he reached out, fingers brushing the back of his hand, but Hisoka ripped it away as though the contact had burned him, when in reality, its softness threatened to break him open beyond repair. 

“Don’t touch me,” he said, louder than intended. Suddenly everything stilled in the crescendo of their argument. The words only registered with himself after they had come out, their gravity spreading in the distance between them. Hisoka’s anger seemed to dissipate within a split-second. Their eyes met, equally painted in shock and surprise. 

Oh no.

Illumi immediately withdrew his hand at the unexpected reaction, a twitch in his fine brows a telltale sign of the anxious spiral his mind had just begun slipping into. 

Oh, no, no, no.

“...I’m sorry. I won’t.” A pained pause. “But please,” he repeated, sounding terrified again, “Will you stay…?”

Hisoka opened and closed his mouth several times, watching the man before him grow closer to breaking down. Right up until now, his anger had given him the illusion of power. So much so that he had fully leaned into it, despite being aware that it was the one thing he could never control. Despite it being the only emotion that always held the potential to destroy everything. 

Like just now. 

He took a deep breath, trying to calm the storm that was raging in his mind. He needed to be the one to step up this time.

“...neither of us are in  a state to make any decisions right now. Can we just please,” he let out a heavy sigh, “rest first and take a while to think about this? Both of us.”

Illumi stared at him for a handful of moments longer, and for a split-second, Hisoka thought he would cry. But then, the other man just nodded. “You’re right. Another time then.” He took a step back. “I’ll… go take that shower.”

Hands balled into anxious fists by his sides, Illumi moved towards the corridor leading to his bedroom, leaving Hisoka stranded in the living room by himself. The other man stopped before he passed the bookshelves and cast another look towards his… roommate. “You know where to find me if you need anything.”

Hisoka was pretty sure each other was the last thing they needed right now, but he still said, “Yeah. You too.” Illumi nodded and vanished in his room. Watching him go felt like a piece of him was being ripped away, but it also finally made his anger ebb.

Almost immediately, fear filled the void it left and the dull pounding in his ears returned. Hisoka retreated to his room, door slamming shut behind him. Pacing back and forth, he tried to recount the conversation, and the things he had said. How he’d gone from feeling guilty to angry in a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds. The way Illumi’s barely kept-together composure had given way to mortification and horror at more than a few of his remarks. He had hit him where it hurt the most, deliberately.

Fuck fuck fuck, what have I done…?

Why had he found himself so unable to keep his cool? 

Why didn’t he just leave when he felt the anger welling up? 

Why couldn’t he just SHUT UP for once?

They could’ve avoided everything if he had just gotten up and left after he had received the response to his confession.

Hell, they could’ve avoided all of this if Hisoka had just never asked for a call in the middle of the night. 

No, if he hadn’t taken a stranger up on his offer to become his sugar daddy. That’s when things had become too complicated. 

And now his mask didn’t fit his face anymore. His persona, once liberating and empowering, felt tight and restricting, and he was unable to dance the line when it came to Illumi. 

Illumi made him feel too much. 

With his walls down, Hisoka was helpless in the face of his own emotions, never knowing when the timer on the bomb was up, when the words that came out of his mouth would detonate and leave nothing but debris in their wake.

Trying to construct anything stable was a futile effort. At the end, explosion after explosion, he returned to the ruins of his earlier life again and again, having learned nothing.

…I’m so fucking stupid.

He sat down on his carpet, leaning against the wall, tearing at his own hair. His vision came to a stop on the dress he’d made for Alluka. He still needed to package it before the big party tomorrow. 

Another family event waiting for them, another unresolved conflict accompanying it. Only this time it was so much worse. Maybe it was about time they took the hint. Hisoka rubbed a hand over his face, grimacing when it came away with smeared mascara and foundation. 

“...I don’t know where to go,” he said out loud, mostly to himself. Standing in the middle of the field was worse than being back to square one. He pressed the stained hand against his forehead. “Fuck.”

-

Thud Thud Thud.

He blinked awake. Disoriented, Hisoka cast a look into the darkened room, sleepy hands feeling the bed beside him out of habit for another body. Where–…Oh. Yeah. 

The last thing he remembered was being hungry but deciding that venturing down and risking running into Illumi again was not something he could deal with at the moment, so he had just gone to sleep. Well. Had tried to. 

After a wave of every negative emotion imaginable had crushed down on him, topped by nearly ungodly amounts of exhaustion, he’d ended up crying himself to sleep. 

Thud Thud Thud.

Now, it was most definitely still night. His cheeks felt sticky with dried tears, so much so that the fabric of his pillow clung to one of them – ugh, his skin wouldn’t forgive him if he kept doing that. His eyes were burning, too. Likely bloodshot again. Peachy. Being sad was bad enough as it was, he didn’t need to look as pathetic as he felt, too. Suppressing the urge to rub the dried up streaks of salt away to not worsen the damage, he squinted at the bright display of his phone. It was half past three in the morning.

Thud Thud Thud.

What IS that? He tried to place the sound. He’d never heard it in the condo before, steady whirring punctuated by something… heavy?? Maybe the neighbours? But no, that was unlikely with the layout of the building. No shared walls, as far as he knew, at least not on this level. There would have been complaints a long time ago otherwise. Maybe it will stop after a while. He checked his notifications and saw that Illumi had answered the question he had sent before going to bed.

Hisoka, 7:42 p.m.: When will we leave for Alluka’s party tomorrow?

Illumi, 02:09 a.m.: Around 10 a.m.

Jesus, had Illumi stayed up until two? Or was he already awake again by that point? Maybe he had gone to bed right after his shower…

Thud Thud Thud.

Hisoka groaned. Okay, he was awake now and the sound was apparently not stopping anytime soon. Well, time to make good use of that extra time the universe had gifted him with. Slightly annoyed, he stood up and left his room to wash his face in the bathroom. Only as he was applying a soothing lotion to appease his skin and keep irritations at bay, he realised that the sound was even louder here.

Thud Thud thud.

His brows knitted. It was coming from inside the condo. On near-silent feet, he left the bathroom and followed the noises to the door across. The gym? Without thinking much, he opened the door.

The room was dark save for nightly lights of the city coming in through the big windows and the LED display of the treadmill. Illumi was running on it, the steady fall of his feet causing the thudding. By the looks of it, he had been doing so for a while, the sleeveless shirt he was wearing sweat-soaked front and back, two-digit numbers on the screen of the equipment. The scene was so bizarre that Hisoka wasn’t sure if he was dreaming.

“...Illu?”

Jerking in surprise, Illumi looked over and then almost fell. He caught himself on the handles and hastily turned off the treadmill before the continued motion catapulted him to the floor. Breathing heavily, he pushed himself upright again and asked, “Did I wake you up?”

Hisoka raised his eyebrows and made a gesture with his hand at the darkness surrounding them, and his sleeping clothes, like, Duh.

Illumi took a towel off a rack on the wall and wiped sweat off his neck and face. He looked no less tense than he had during their talk earlier. Maybe he looked worse now. 

“My apologies. I’ll use the gym in the basement.” Towel slung around his shoulders, he approached the door. Before he could overthink it too much, Hisoka loosely put his hand on the doorframe. 

A ten day business trip, including countless hours of travel time and the constant presence of a cold and distant father, a horrible conversation upon coming home, and now nightly marathoning with even more social responsibilities waiting on the horizon? That didn’t seem wise.

“Or,” he said, “You could rest?”

Illumi avoided looking at him, but maybe Hisoka was just imagining it. “...I’m not sure I can.”

Hisoka cocked his head now, making an effort to catch his eye. Yep, definitely not imagining the other man avoiding his gaze. Great. 

“Doesn’t seem like you’re trying to. Have you taken your meds yet?”

Illumi’s brows knitted a bit as he cast a look past Hisoka, into the hallway, and said nothing. Hisoka took his hand off the doorframe and held it out for the other man to take. “Come on.”

Illumi glanced at the outstretched hand for a moment but didn’t take it. Hisoka faltered, unease spreading in his stomach again. Ah, yes. The consequences of his actions were already spreading like wildfire. His hand dropped again.

The other man said, “It’s the jet lag. It’ll take me some days to adjust.” After a short pause, he added, “I’ll use the one in the basement from now on, so you can sleep. Goodnight.” 

Then he slipped past him, into the hallway, and before Hisoka could say anything more, Illumi was gone.

Chapter Text

Hisoka waited in the kitchen at nine the next morning, looking perfect and feeling anything but. 

Waking up with newly found resolve to fix things, he’d left the comfort of his bed a few hours ago to get everything done on time. First, he’d fought the redness of his puffy eyes and the slight crease between his eyebrows, then moved on to tackle the rest. Alluka’s gift was beautifully packaged and ready to go, his outfit danced the perfect line between playful and appropriate, and he’d made breakfast for Illumi and himself. Pancakes, to be precise.

He tried to be rational about their dispute. Inarguably, the last evening had been a shitshow, sure, but objectively not the worst one he had ever experienced. It hurt, yes, but despite getting his heart broken, he was determined to make the best of this day somehow. 

All he needed to get back on track was Illumi being open to talking. 

His estimated timing hadn’t been wrong: Just like for their last visit, the other man got up an hour before they had to leave, and at 9:03 a.m. he emerged from his bedroom and made his way into the shared space.

“Good morning,” Hisoka greeted him, voice as easy-going and inviting as he could muster. He slid a freshly brewed cup of espresso and another of hot chocolate his way, extra whipped cream and sprinkles on top. A peace offering, a silent hope that they could go back to what they had if they both put in the effort.

“Good morning,” Illumi echoed, momentarily freezing in his tracks. His gaze dropped to the drinks as soon as Hisoka’s eyes came close to finding his. He looked lost in the big, washed-out shirt and boxers he was wearing, and there were actual, dark circles under his eyes. “Thank you,” he added, sounding stiff. Right away, Hisoka knew this was gonna be a tough situation to handle, not so easily mended. Not that it surprised him. He was aware of the weight carried by his words from the previous evening, the fresh wounds they had likely left. But he wasn’t someone who gave up so easily, so he simply smiled and gestured towards one of the empty barstools in invitation.

After another few moments of hesitation, Illumi came closer and took a seat. He stared at the food on his plate, warm and fluffy, and picked up his fork like he was about to go to war with it.

Hisoka had thought his gesture would clear the air a bit and open up an opportunity for conversation with the comfort it provided, but it fell completely flat and they had breakfast in crushing silence. The empty barstool between them perfectly marked their current divide. 

Illum downed his espresso in one go but only picked at his food, not a single bite making it into his mouth even though his stomach growled loudly. Hisoka watched him warily out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t fathom how someone could look slightly sunkissed and alarmingly pale at the same time. The air felt stagnant. He had to do something…

“...Did you manage to get some sleep?”

“Yeah,” Illumi said, quietly and quickly, not lifting his gaze, “You?”

“Not that much.” I didn’t know where to put my thoughts. I missed you. I was worried about you. 

“Oh.”

“Mm.”

Silence. 

Hisoka stopped chewing. He stared hard at his plate, trying and failing to come up with anything to say. This was much harder than expected.

As the quietness clawed its way into the room inch by inch, expanding overwhelmingly heavy and quickly, Illumi stopped shoving his food from one end of the plate to the other with his fork. The pancake lay in pieces and his eyes flitted to the clock of the stove. He suddenly got up, leaving his barely touched breakfast on the counter. “I better go get ready so we’re on time.” Without waiting for an answer, he vanished again into the bedroom.

Hisoka’s wordless gaze trailed after him, and he let out a tiny, resigned sigh at the sight of his carved up peace offering. He pulled the – now lukewarm and still completely untouched – cup of hot chocolate over to not let it go to waste.

-

His phone dinged halfway through their drive. Hisoka checked the display to see he’d received an email. Scanning it, his eyes widened a bit and excitement arose low in his gut, spreading quickly to his chest.

“I got an invitation for an interview,” he said, the words bubbling out of him.

“Oh? For the internship?” Illumi kept his eyes on the road but his features and voice were coloured with honest interest.

“Yeah. With Nat.”

A genuine smile spread on Illumi’s lips and his hand moved slightly, like he was about to let go of the steering wheel and reach over, but then something shifted and his expression grew more stifled and measured again. His hands remained on the wheel, gripping it more tightly all of a sudden. Without looking over, he said, “Congratulations, Hisoka. I’m glad your efforts are paying off.”

Hisoka’s smile shrank at the business-like tone of the response. The space felt simultaneously stuffy and like there was an entire abyss between them. His excitement shrivelled back into nothingness, giving way to shame. Ah. Feels like home, he thought bitterly. Looking back down at his phone, he said, “Thanks.”

Not another word was exchanged for the rest of the drive.

-

Kikyou was waiting for them by the door when Illumi pulled the car into the driveway of the Zoldyck Estate. With the eerie and heavy feeling carrying over from the breakfast to their journey, Hisoka had never been happier to see her. Maybe this afternoon was the distraction they both needed to start over with a blank slate.

“Illumi!” Her shrill voice cut through the air like a knife, but it currently sounded like music to his ears.

“Hello, Mother.” 

“Hi, Misses Zoldyck,” Hisoka joined in, letting out an appreciative hum as he looked her up and down. “What a beautiful dress.” It wasn’t just small talk, the dress really was gorgeous. Hugging her slender waist and hips, the wonderful, royal purple colour cascaded down her legs to right below her knees. The cut and stitching suggested a true vintage piece. It was clearly handmade, with barely noticeable imperfections that marked it as one of a kind. Absolutely stunning. Hisoka wished he could have reached out and touched the fabric, traced the finishings to soak up as much about the applied techniques as possible, but he didn’t want to leave another weird impression on Kikyou. Her lips and nails were painted the same colour, and her hair was neatly brushed to one side.

“Oh my, what a charmer you are, thank you,” she said and smiled – a stark contrast to the hostility she had displayed toward Hisoka at brunch. She turned quickly towards Illumi, “It’s so good to have you back home! You can’t imagine how much I’ve missed you, oh! A mother always feels it when her child is far away. Farther than usual, I mean. I was so worried!” On the brink of wailing right off the bat, she pulled her son into a hug and kissed his forehead, leaving lipstick marks on his skin. Illumi once again held very still through it all, only his hands twitching slightly with her touch. Hisoka almost winced watching the scene play out. He had been tasked with holding the two big bouquets that they had picked up on their way, one for Kikyou, and another one for Alluka.

“We brought you flowers,” he tried to interject with the usual strategy.

It worked, and Kikyou extended her hands towards where she presumed her gift to be. He stepped into her reach and received a friendly squeeze to his arm before she accepted her bouquet and smelled it, humming contently. “Any luck with a girlfriend yet, Hisoka? Or, ah, boyfriend?”

Ah, tactful as ever, Mama Zoldyck. “Concentrating on my studies right now,” he said with forced cheer in his voice. 

Kikyou hummed and patted his arm. “A wise decision,” she said, momentarily appeased by the reassurance that he was not actively trying to date her son. Hisoka knew he’d be dead if she somehow caught wind of yesterday’s conversation, and decided to be thankful for his luck.  

“How have you two been? How was the trip with your father?” This exchange was starting to feel more like a mini boss battle and less like a warm greeting. As usual, giving the right answers was crucial around this woman.

Hisoka saw Illumi stiffen in the corner of his eye, so he quickly filled the silence, “We’ve been okay.”

“The trip was successful,” Illumi provided. 

Kikyou lifted her eyebrows. Feigning confusion, she continued, “Hmm. I wonder what has your father so upset, then. He won’t tell me.” Ohhhh no, no, no. So much for welcome distractions.

Illumi’s jaw and hands tightened in unison. Even his face scrunched minimally. Hisoka wondered whether he was aware that Kikyou was the only person he could grimace in front of without her noticing or if he simply was too exhausted to be his usual, composed self. 

Either way, with everything going on, Hisoka had almost forgotten that Illumi had been forced to spend a ten hour long flight with Silva after their call. After talking back to him. Hisoka was suddenly very eager to shift the focus of the conversation. It was too early in the day for things to escalate. Again.

“Maybe he is just groggy from the trip. The jet lag is no joke,” he said, adding an airy laugh to his comment. “Now, where’s the birthday girl?”

“It’s my fault he is upset,” Illumi interrupted his attempt to steer the chat away from touchy subjects, and Hisoka wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. What the fuck have we learned about confessions in the last twenty-four hours, Illu??? 

Kikyou gasped in a way that was not even trying to sound authentic, “What happened?”

Illumi took a deep breath, like he was once again steeling himself for a battle that was already lost, like there was no sense in trying to avoid ascending the gallows. 

“I may have acted rashly,” Illumi started, and another few moments passed before he added, “I was exhausted at that moment and on a very important call.” 

Surprised by the choice of words, Hisoka blinked over at him. With his gaze cast at his own shoes, Illumi continued with forced calmness, “So I raised my voice at him when he wouldn’t give me the necessary time to finish it.” 

Hisoka thought it was quite hypocritical to be upset about something like that when Silva, without fail, talked down to Illumi during even the most mundane of interactions. Surely Kikyou would understand–

“We raised you better than this, Illumi,” she said with a frown, her tone instantly chiding. Hisoka’s eyebrows flew towards his hairline. “Your father is trying very hard to keep the business afloat, and he needs to be able to rely on you, especially on such a trip. You should show him more respect. Your family always comes first, and I cannot imagine what could have possibly been more important than that.”

Hisoka’s jaw dropped. My god, that woman was lucky her blindness granted her this level of ignorance towards everyone’s reactions.

“Of course. My sincerest apologies, mother.” Illumi bowed his head slightly, as if she could somehow sense that. She lifted her chin, as if proud to make her eldest son crumble in on himself. Hisoka remembered why he had found it so exceedingly hard to like her the last time.

“I’m sure he will forgive you when you apologise to him.” Yeah, I doubt that.

“Ah, I doubt that,” a familiar voice came from behind Kikyou, immediately echoing Hisoka’s thoughts out loud. Zeno blinked as he stepped into the sunlight and shielded his eyes. Hisoka felt a weight lift from his shoulders and he was sure Illumi shared the sentiment because he finally dared to lift his gaze. “I know my son to be immensely stubborn. But you must forgive him,” he shot them a smirk, “he had a lousy father.”

Kikyou drew a breath, her annoyance over being openly challenged and contradicted evident, but Zeno didn’t give her the chance to speak as he approached Illumi. 

“Hello, troublemaker,” he nodded towards Hisoka, then patted his grandson’s upper arm in a warm but firm gesture. “And hello, Lulu. You look sadder than last time,” he stated with a raise of his bushy white eyebrows.

“It’s the jetlag, grandpa. I haven’t slept well,” Illumi said quietly. Zeno’s gaze immediately found Hisoka. To him, the grey eyes looked awfully knowing. Feeling paranoia and a considerable amount of guilt, he resisted the urge to clear his throat and look away. Hopefully the mind-reading doesn’t run in the family…

“And I’m sure you’re upset about your father, too,” Kikyou reminded her son, each word carrying the venom of a viper’s bite.

“Yes. I will try to apologise to him again,” Illumi said, a hint of resignation and defeat in his voice. He sounded so immensely tired. Hisoka shifted in his shoes, uneasy. He wondered whether Illumi would ever open up to him about that flight back or if he had blown his chance for good to be let in on information that sensitive.

“Good, good.” Kikyou clapped her hands together, the bouquet losing a few of its blossoms with the movement, “Now, let’s join the others in the garden. Alluka is so excited for you! She insisted on waiting to open her presents until you were here.”

“Maybe get the lipstick marks off your face first, Lulu,” Zeno suggested. Kikyou clasped a hand over her mouth in another gasp but didn’t apologise – of course not, she was probably more concerned with makeup smudges on her own face than about her son’s well-being. Illumi made noise of assent. Zeno nudged Hisoka towards him, “You better go with him. He’s blind to things like these and you seem like you have more than enough practice in that regard.”

Smart move, grandpa Zoldyck. I owe you one. 

“Go on right ahead then, we’ll be quick and bring the presents, too,” Hisoka assured them both and then vanished in the nearest bathroom with Illumi in tow. The closets were better equipped than most spas, so he quickly found exactly what he was looking for.

“Can I?” he held up a makeup remover pad, and after some initial hesitation, Illumi nodded. Hisoka stepped closer, gently wiping the colour off his roommate's forehead, careful not to touch his skin unnecessarily. “I wanna have a strong word with her stylist. Kiss-proof lines do exist, you know.” 

“It’s fine,” Illumi said, and it was nothing but apparent how very much not fine he was. He seemed smaller than ever, almost as if he wanted to vanish, so unlike himself. It hurt to see him like this. He, too, was very mindful that they didn’t touch in any way, his hands planted firmly on the edge of the vanity he was leaning against.

Hisoka fell silent. Initially, he’d been very thankful for a bit of privacy, to be able to check in with the man he loved, but now the sinking feeling was returning. 

Poolside, dark gym, empty barstool between them. 

How could he close the distance again? 

“Hey… if you want to talk about what happened with your dad, I’m happy to listen.”

Illumi looked at him – it was only for a second, but Hisoka counted their eyes actually meeting as a huge success. “I appreciate the offer. But now is not the time.” 

Hisoka was unsure if it would ever be the time.

Deciding not to push it, and forcing his disappointment over the repeated rejection to dissipate, he said, “Alright,” and tossed the stained makeup remover pad into the trash. “Voilà~ All clean again.”

“Thank you.” Illumi did not even check his reflection – a sign of trust or indifference, Hisoka wasn’t sure. The other man simply held the bathroom door open for him – another small success – and together they retrieved the presents from the car and then made their way towards the garden.

What greeted them looked like a scene right out of an illustrated book. Everything was decorated in true Alice in Wonderland fashion. Oversized decor pieces that gave subtle nods to the characters from the story littered the space, the ornate furniture in shades of baby blue and white, with playful stripes of magenta here and there. Balloons floated in big clusters, fashioned to look like rose bushes and secured to the ground, and larger-than-life flower props rounded the whole setting off. The food looked so unrealistically vibrant and appetising, Hisoka momentarily feared it was just part of the decoration as well, but the delicious smell eradicated his worries. There was a themed photo booth – costume rack included – and a semi-open, striped tent with a long table under its curtain-like fabric, topped with everything needed for a tea party. Even the butlers were dressed up as servants of the heart queen. 

“Amazing…” Hisoka breathed. He’d never seen anything like it, especially not at someone’s private birthday party.

A familiar face emerged from behind a huge table of presents. “Illu-nii! Hiso!” The birthday girl came running in a baby blue petticoat dress and a matching bow in her hair, arms wide open. The scene brought a genuine smile to Illumi’s face and he crouched down to catch Alluka in a firm hug against his chest. 

“Happy birthday,” he said into her hair, planting a single kiss onto it. “You look so pretty.” She giggled and thanked him. Then she looked over at Hisoka, who reluctantly extended his hand toward her – he wasn’t too sure if offering a hug was an inappropriate thing to do – but Alluka’s following laugh suggested otherwise, and she embraced him with just as much enthusiasm.

“Thank you for coming!” she said, squeezing his middle with more force than expected, and Hisoka’s heart all but melted at her openly displayed delight.

“Congrats on officially becoming a teenager,” he said and smiled. She rolled her eyes playfully.

“I hope I don’t get as grumpy as Killu-nii and Millu-nii now,” she stage-whispered.

“I’m not grumpy,” a decidedly grumpy voice came from behind them. They all turned to find Killua in an adorable set of clothes, pocket watch tucked neatly into the pocket of a chequered vest. He was holding a pair of white bunny ears. “Alluka, birthday or not, I will NOT wear these.”

“Whaaat??” She stretched the sound and pouted. “But we agreed to have a theme! And you’re the white rabbit Alice follows to Wonderland! I made extra sure we matched!”

“Ugh, we’re not five anymore–”

“I wanna be the Queen of Hearts,” Hisoka said without an ounce of hesitation. 

Both Killua and Illumi gave him a withering look for that but Alluka gasped and shot an excited smile his way. “See? He gets it!” She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the costume rack, where he spotted Milluki sporting mouse ears and Kalluto in a striped Cheshire Cat onesie, displaying varying degrees of enthusiasm.

“Hi, you two. Looking good,” Hisoka said, an amused grin playing on his lips. 

Milluki only grunted in response, while Kalluto’s eyes immediately went wide with his understanding of ‘If Hisoka’s here, Illu-nii can’t be far.’ He dashed off without a word, tail trailing behind him. Hisoka watched him fall into his oldest brother’s arms a few metres away and excitedly told him about… well, probably another sports record or something. Cute.

Frustrated noises pulled his attention front and centre again. Alluka tried to find something in Hisoka’s size but ended up only bestowing him with a crown embedded with red, heart-shaped plastic diamonds, as well as a blood-red ruff collar, matching wristbands and a cape. He briefly wished he would’ve known about the party’s theme beforehand, because he would’ve gone all out, but then decided that it was a good thing he hadn’t. In all honesty, he probably would’ve gone overboard, and he always dressed like a queen, anyway.

“Hm… how about some makeup?” Hisoka suggested, nodding towards the makeshift vanity that had been set up close to the costumes, and Alluka beamed. “I remember we wanted to share some of our techniques~”

“Yes!!” she agreed, the single world boiling over with enthusiasm. Hisoka scanned the assortment of products and hummed – not bad at all. 

He picked up a careful selection and started with his own face, covering his cheeks and the bridge of his nose in a beautiful colour of blush before going in with a black eyeliner to add exaggerated lower lashes along the curve of his eyes, giving them heart-tips to create a theatrical look. He painted his lips in a similar colour, slightly overdrawing his natural shape to get a more dramatic effect. Alluka looked on in wonder, asking a thousand questions and absorbing every one of his movements and explanations like an eager sponge.

“What do you think?” Hisoka presented her with the finished look. She hummed, critically assessing his work.

“It needs more hearts,” she decided, and promptly added some heart stickers on the expanse of artificial blush. “You’re the representative of your country, after all. Get into the spirit, Hiso.”

Finally someone who could match his ‘Go big or go home’ attitude. A chuckle fell from his lips.

“You’re so right.” 

He let her decorate his face more, every now and then scanning his reflection. First heart-eyes, now heart-freckles, hm? After exhausting two entire sheets of stickers, Alluka was apparently satisfied with her input. Hisoka was sure if he moved his face too much he would lose half of what she’d just bestowed him with. So really, the amount had probably been a precautionary measure on her part.

“Can you do mine next?” she asked, barely containing the excitement in her voice.

Hisoka smiled – but not too much, god forbid he lost any of his royal authority – and said, “Anything for the birthday girl.”

He ended up doing more than just Alluka’s makeup. In fact, after seeing his skills on her face and gushing excitedly about it, she forced the same treatment – emphasis on treat, thank you very much – onto all of her brothers. While he was busy with giving Kalluto whiskers and a permanent smile, and Milluki as well as Killua a nose befitting their animal counterparts, Illumi had been appointed the role of the caterpillar, but could only be convinced to put on a broad, teal fabric belt, an oversized mushroom hat, and hold on to a fake pipe, one he could blow soap bubbles out of. 

Despite not putting up any resistance when Alluka nudged him onto the chair across from Hisoka, he grimaced at the makeup being laid out. His discomfort at the prospect of having his face painted was palpable.

“Can’t fix what’s already perfect,” Hisoka said to Illumi with playful reverence in his voice, and Killua made a gagging noise somewhere. “Maybe we just do your hair, what do you think?”

Illumi was quick to agree, only briefly glancing at him still, “Yes, good idea.”

After some quick research, Hisoka did his best to transform Illumi’s gorgeous, thick hair into a bubble ponytail, mimicking the sections of a caterpillar. He weaved a few teal accessories into the locks, giving it an otherworldly feel that perfectly matched the fairytale hat. 

“All done.” He laid the braid over Illumi’s shoulder and watched him assess the finished product in the mirror. If he was displeased with it, he didn’t show it.

A faint smile graced his lips as he turned towards Hisoka to say, “Thank you.” 

“No problem, Illu,” Hisoka said and returned the same expression. It looked like Illumi was settling into it carefully, placing trust in his own smile, and it made a sliver of hope bloom in Hisoka’s chest, but before they regained anything that resembled comfort, the focus of Illumi’s eyes shifted and slipped into something more akin to horror. 

Momentarily confused, Hisoka followed the other man’s gaze and turned, quickly finding the catalyst for the drastic change in his behaviour: Flanked by Kikyou and Zeno, Silva emerged from the main building. 

Papa Zoldyck was clad in a suit, like he’d just come from an important business meeting. Or maybe it was just the standard ‘rich father at his child’s birthday party’ outfit, Hisoka couldn’t be sure. He had long since stopped questioning anything about this family.

Illumi rose to his feet and marched over to greet him where they were still out of earshot from the younger siblings. Hisoka did his best to keep up with him, feeling like he shouldn’t be alone for it.

“Hello, father,” Illumi said. Silva didn’t respond despite looking at him and clearly having heard him.

“Heya, Mister Zoldyck,” Hisoka said, expecting the same lack of reaction.

But Silva immediately and deliberately replied with “Hello again,” and Illumi’s posture changed ever so slightly, his hurt more than evident. Hisoka on his part had trouble keeping his face straight at the petty ignorance Silva displayed towards his own son. It reminded him a little too much of his own father. God, you rotten piece of–

“Can we talk?” Illumi said, trying to catch his father’s eye. “Please.”

Before Silva even had time to consider a response, Kikyou patted her husband’s arm and said, “We’ll leave you boys to it,” and then fished for and grasped Hisoka’s bicep, signalling her decision to leave.

“Let’s go,” she said in a tone that was similarly airy and didn’t permit a no. Hisoka shot Illumi one last look, unease spreading at the mere thought of leaving him behind, but ultimately complied when his gaze wasn’t met. Zeno trailed after them at a leisurely pace.

On their way back to the rest of the party, Kikyou patted his arm. “They will talk it out,” she reassured in a superficially calming manner. Hisoka didn’t voice his doubt, but Zeno snorted incredulously, eliciting another frustrated twitch of Kikyou’s eyebrows. 

The tension between them threatened to burn Hisoka alive, so he tried his best to concentrate on the cute scene playing out right in front of him instead: Alluka trying to fit everyone in a selfie, capturing the costumes and makeup looks. Between height differences, obstructive accessories and differing ideas regarding composition it looked to be quite the challenge. The four equally headstrong siblings all tried to push their own solutions about how to fix the shot, but ended up creating more chaos in the process. Hisoka was sure the resulting pics would be equally messy and adorable.

Kikyou took a seat at the long table, seemingly content to be within earshot of her bickering children. Grandpa Zoldyck did not hesitate to raid the costume rack, slipping into a few colourful accessories and then waving Hisoka close to help transform him into the Mad Hatter. 

Hisoka gladly took the opportunity, because one, it allowed him to bring some distance between him and Kikyou, and two, he had a vantage point from his chair in front of the vanity, enabling him to keep an eye on Silva and Illumi. So, while he applied a colourful array of eyeshadows and glitter onto Zeno’s face and into his beard, eyebrows and hair, his gaze wandered back to the other two men more than once. Their discussion looked to be growing more and more heated. It was starting to concern Hisoka.

He flinched when he saw Silva raise his hand. 

The brush fell from his fingers and for a moment he couldn’t move at all. He stared, every fibre of his body sounding the alarm, but he quickly realised that his worries had been completely unfounded. He bent to pick the utensil up again. Still, the tension didn’t leave him. He shot another wayward glance towards the two men, adrenaline flooding his veins, forcing his heart to race and keeping his senses on high alert. 

Silva apparently talked with his hands a lot, gesticulating with them, and stabbed accusing fingers in the direction of Illumi’s chest. His voice had risen enough that, from where he was sitting, Hisoka could almost make out individual words. Almost. 

“This was a long time coming,” Zeno interrupted his thoughts. Hisoka ripped his gaze from the argument and blinked back at the oldest Zoldyck.

“Pardon?”

“Them fighting openly like this. Finally. I hope Illumi says his piece, too.”

Hisoka contemplated for a while as he continued working on Zeno’s look with embarrassingly unsteady hands. He shook them out in an attempt to regain their usual steadfastness. “You sound like you want them to fight.”

“Of course not. But sometimes things need to be addressed. They have a lot to catch up on in that regard.”

Hisoka chewed the inside of his cheek, shooting another worried glance towards Illumi, his entire demeanour mirroring their argument on the previous day. Cramped hands, unnatural stillness and lack of an expression, pale face. Which meant it probably wasn’t going all too well for him.

“Maybe now is not the time, though…” he mumbled, thinking back to Illumi’s own words.

Zeno chuckled slightly. “Or maybe now is just the right time.” He blinked his silver eyes open, reminding Hisoka of resolute metal amidst the colourful chaos of the makeup. 

“Even if they don’t come to an understanding today, it’s important to set things into motion. Change rarely looks inviting or good at first but it’s a vital part of life, even if we don’t see the gain right away.” He tilted his head and Hisoka once again felt like he could look right through him and read his thoughts. “Speaking one’s mind is absolutely crucial if you want to build up a true relationship with someone. So,” he shrugged, “This might not be the father-son-relationship they know… but maybe it can change into one that can benefit them both.”

Hisoka fell silent, letting the advice sink in. He hoped that Zeno was right, but at this very moment, he had trouble placing any trust in his words, as wise as they might seem at first glance.

A sudden snort interrupted his train of thought, and Zeno said, “But I could be completely wrong. Maybe I am just getting sentimental in my old age.” 

A bittersweet smile made it onto Hisoka’s lips, and he added the finishing touches to the look. “Yeah. Maybe.”

Another handful of minutes passed. In the meantime, Hisoka had been tasked with taking the selfies, because his height and arm length gave him the biggest advantage. Finally Silva joined them, looking completely unfazed by the conversation, and formally congratulated Alluka in his usual stoicism. Hisoka was almost shocked to see him give her a stiff-looking hug – apparently his aversion towards physical contact was slightly overshadowed by the expected birthday etiquette. 

He searched for Illumi to find him lingering at the spot where he and his father had talked. His gaze was cast towards the manor, shielding his expression from the others, but it only took a second for Hisoka to interpret the outcome of the conversation, judging by Illumi’s white-knuckled fists grabbing the pipe.

“Is everyone here now?” Kikyou inquired, louder than necessary, her voice venturing closer to shrill territory again. His mother’s call forced Illumi into action, and he approached the group in quick strides, looking pale.

“Yes,” he said quietly but distinctly and Kikyou smiled, not interested in any other answer.

“Alluka, darling, time for your presents.” 

A delighted squeal came from the Zoldyck daughter, rushing towards the tower of gifts waiting for her on the wide table, the rest of the family following her. Hisoka tried to fall back to check on Illumi, but there was simply no way to do it without alarming the others, too. They all took a seat on the colourful, cushioned chairs close to the table.

As Alluka worked her way through the mountains of wrapping paper and exceedingly expensive surprises, Hisoka found himself completely unable to pay attention to it. Something deep within him was tightly knotted seeing Illumi getting no reprieve from the constant onslaught of pressure and guilt-tripping. He was quick to put on a smile whenever one of his siblings addressed him, quick to return the hug Alluka gave him upon unwrapping the beautifully presented convention tickets he’d gifted her with, but Hisoka knew it was a show he wouldn’t be able to keep up for much longer under the current circumstances.

Hisoka was ripped from his thoughts when Illumi suddenly looked directly at him, nodding towards the table to redirect his focus.

“Oh– huh?” Hisoka blinked and looked over, seeing Alluka holding his present, still wrapped. 

“Is this from you?” she asked with a big smile. She had already unpacked more things than Hisoka had ever received on all of his birthdays combined, and for a moment, nervousness gripped him about the effect the dress would have on her. Maybe it wasn’t that special for a girl who already had everything.

“Yeah,” he said, trying to push his doubts aside because he didn’t have any substantial reason for them. “I hope you like it.”

Hisoka took a deep breath as he watched Alluka unpack it with curiosity in her eyes. As soon as she caught a glimpse of the flower-crested fabric, she fell silent. Stilling in her movements for a handful of seconds, she eventually shot Hisoka a wide-eyed stare, her usual smile absent. 

“Are you for real? You–you made this… This is for me…?” Her voice trembled slightly as her eyes filled with moisture. Her fingers felt along the wiring of the corset, gently poking at the flowers of the skirt. Her reaction made an immediate warmth bloom in Hisoka’s chest.

“Only for you,” he smiled, uncharacteristically gently, fighting hard not to be infected by her emotions that only seemed to mount with each passing second. Her bottom lip wobbled as she pulled the dress free of its constraints and several of the other family members exclaimed. She held it to her front, her eyes filled with stars and tears alike. Hisoka realised it would fit her perfectly. 

She was the first person aside from himself who would ever wear his creations.

To think that he’d once wanted to cast that dress aside for receiving a bad grade…

He would’ve never been able to forgive himself for robbing Alluka – and himself – of this moment.

You’ve poured so much work into it. That in and of itself is enough reason to be proud of it, don’t you think?

He felt immense gratitude towards Illumi’s previous encouragement about accepting his own efforts, no matter what others thought of them. His words had enabled Hisoka to gain enough strength to revisit the dress and fix the mistakes. He shot the man sitting next to him a careful glance.

Illumi’s features were softened by unabashed, brotherly affection for his sister as she beheld the dress in complete awe. His dark eyes were wet, too. Hisoka exhaled through his nose and smiled.

“Good idea, Mister,” he whispered.

“Agreed,” Illumi whispered back, his smile growing a bit wider. Something inside of Hisoka’s chest twinged at the sight, the memories of their argument worming their way into his thoughts again, so afraid of losing that smile again, but another noise pulled his focus before he could sink back into the bog of insecurity and self-doubt.

“What the fuuuuck,” Killua muttered under his breath, with his eyes glued to the dress and his phone out to capture as many pictures of it as possible, and Hisoka thought it was probably the biggest compliment a teenager could give. Before his amusement over that could manifest in the form of laughter, he suddenly found himself in an abrupt embrace from Alluka, her arms slung around his neck with the dress still in her hands, the ungodly amounts of tulle nearly burying them both.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!” she sobbed happily. 

“You’re very welcome,” Hisoka choked out under the intensity of her hug.

“Can you help me put it on??”

“Absolutely not!” Killua protested, the unmistakable protectiveness of an older brother at the forefront of his words. He shot Hisoka a warning stare, as if he’d been the one to suggest it, and then addressed Alluka with a much softer, “I’ll help you.”

“You know how to lace up a corset?” Hisoka raised a brow. Killua narrowed his eyes at him, opening his mouth but finding no concrete argument, so he quickly snapped it shut again.

“I know how,” Illumi rose to his feet and vanished with Alluka and a very moody Killua within the walls of the building.

“What did he give her?” Kikyou consulted her husband. “I heard the word corset,” she said with furrowed brows and a hint of scandal in her voice. “That doesn’t seem appropriate…”

“A dress,” Silva provided. Hisoka resisted the urge to scoff at the understatement of the century. He took the newly empty seat next to Kikyou.

“I can describe it to you, if you want me to.”

Kikyou blinked and then nodded, still sceptical. It didn’t take long until Killua and Illumi made their way back to the rest of the family, taking a seat. Illumi gave Hisoka a short-lived, but genuine smile, one that wordlessly told him he’d love seeing Alluka wear it. Not that he needed any more reassurance – he already found himself immensely giddy.

Then Alluka emerged from the manor. Hisoka was once again completely overwhelmed by the sight. It was one thing to know a garment inside and out, spending hours upon hours on it, until you knew every single seam, every detail, every inch of fabric – it was another thing entirely to see it worn by what appeared to be the happiest thirteen year old alive. She looked right out of a fairytale.

Over the gentle exclamations of the family members, Hisoka leaned closer to Kikyou. He wasn’t sure if he imagined it, but he thought Silva tilted himself towards him a tiny bit as well, to be able to hear what he was about to say. 

“It’s a strapless bouffant dress… The shape of a classic ballgown, with a big round, bell-shaped skirt and a train in the back. I’ve sewn over four-hundred individual flowers onto the fabric. They start high on the corset, delicate and small, about the size of a daisy, but get bigger and darker towards the bottom until they’re, hm… dahlia-sized. Every single one of them holds additional pearls inside of their blossoms, so the entire dress sparkles.”

Kikyou tilted her head towards him, “What colour is it?”

Hisoka felt pride at her legitimate inquiry, “Mostly powdery pink and lilac. I’ve layered the skirt so the shades seem to shift and change with each movement.” He watched Alluka twirl happily in the sunlight, really feeling herself, and couldn’t help but be infected by her joy. “The flowers add accents of creamy whites, and lighter and darker tones of the basic colours, creating a gradient effect towards the lower part of the dress and the train.”

A small smile appeared on Kikyou’s lips. “She looks like a princess, doesn’t she?” Hisoka saw her tear up. Silva offered her a tissue right away, otherwise remaining detached.

“Yeah, a happy one,” Hisoka whispered, and Kikyou carefully dried her eyes before she pressed her phone into his hands.

“Would you take a few pictures for her album?”

“Of course,” he said. She squeezed his hand.

“Thank you.” 

Silva waved his daughter close and Alluka led her mother’s hands along the dress, excitedly repeating in her own words what Hisoka had already described. Hisoka took a few snapshots of the scene unfolding, putting some distance between him and the parents.

From a few steps away he could observe Alluka and her unfiltered glee about the dress again, something light and carefree fluttering in his chest. When she looked at him he waved with the phone in his hand, giving her a broad smile. “Ready for your close-up? This won’t fit on a selfie.”

She laughed and came over to him, the dress gently moving with each of her steps. “More than ready.” She looked around, an idea lighting up her features. “We have a wisteria garden further back.”

“Oh?” Hisoka’s eyes went round. “That sounds like the perfect location.”

“I’m coming with you,” Killua cut in, giving Hisoka a death glare. Zoldycks didn’t do subtle, huh? 

Hisoka only shot a relaxed smile back, tossing him a vital accessory from next to the photobooth. “Good. I need someone to hold the reflector.”

It was about an hour later – with the impromptu photoshoot out of the way – when they all found their place along the tea party table and dug into the food. There was a wide array of pastries to choose from, opulent gateaux with incredibly detailed decorations and generous layers of icing, stacked cakes that appeared precarious in their towering heights, cute muffins in every colour, filled with jams and topped with little handmade signs that said ‘Eat Me’, and countless other options. Once again, it was way too much for the amount of people present, and a perfect set-up to die happily of a sugar overdose. 

Hisoka found himself flanked by Zeno and Illumi, with Silva, Kikyou and Milluki directly across. Alluka sat at the head of the table, Killua and Kalluto on either of her sides, swiping through the pictures they had just taken. Princess Birthday Girl exclaimed over almost every single one of them; it was exceedingly cute.

Hisoka, who had been momentarily distracted from the more grim circumstances outside of the celebration, now received an explicit reminder as he glimpsed at Illumi’s plate. 

The other man shoved a single piece of apple cake from one end to the other, dissecting it to mimic consumption but never actually taking a bite. They hadn’t really had any lunch, and remembering that Illumi had similarly not touched his breakfast, a heavy surge of worry coursed through Hisoka’s mind. Had Illumi even eaten dinner yesterday?

His previous smile was nowhere to be found. He looked pale again, a thin sheen of sweat coating his forehead, despite it not being all that hot today. Determining the greatest source of stress for him right now was an impossible feat, considering how the past forty-eight hours left him with countless options. He only knew that his roommate looked extremely anxious and uncomfortable. 

The other family members didn’t seem to take any notice of Illumi’s changed behaviour, except Milluki. His gaze briefly locked with Hisoka’s, but neither of them said anything out loud. 

Alluka cheerily babbled about wanting to wear the dress to the convention, and how excited she was to revisit some of her cosplays, while Killua and Kalluto were busy googling the vendors, and finding out which games would most likely be introduced at the event. Zeno kept asking his younger grandchildren questions about the “latest craze” of their generation, what was “hip” and “cool” at the moment, deliberately using outdated vocabulary to elicit a few wrinkled noses and eyerolls from the tweens and teenagers at the table. 

Unsure how to behave, Hisoka felt smothered by the stark contrast between the giddiness of them and Illumi’s increasingly worrying behaviour.

He surveyed the table. Everyone was drinking hot tea, so getting Illumi a glass of chilled water to calm himself would probably raise a few eyebrows. And maybe tea was a good idea since a lot of other drinks could upset an empty stomach. 

Ah, what to do…?

After some more silent deliberation, revisiting the times he’d managed to calm Illumi in one way or another, an idea came to mind. Not a solid one, but better than nothing and the best he could do without touching him. He gently poked Illumi’s hand with his cake fork.

The other man blinked, vision snapping back into focus, and shot him a glance. Hisoka took out his phone and typed with one hand under the table, then tilted the screen towards him.

“5 things u see”

Illumi read what was displayed, looked him in the eye for a moment and, upon receiving a faint smile, took in their surroundings. Relief flooded Hisoka’s veins when Illumi accepted the offered phone to type: 

“Balloons” 

His eyes made another round, then added: “Alluka, Meissen Tea Set” 

Hisoka followed the other man’s visual route through the scene, then discreetly glanced down at the phone again, watching Illumi type out the rest: “Red Velvet Cake” A short pause. Tap tap tap. “You”

Their eyes met briefly once more and Hisoka nodded encouragingly. So far so good. Chewing a delicious mouthful of berry tart, it was his turn to type, “4 things u can touch,” handing the device over to the other man again.

Illumi’s brows furrowed minimally, his eyes fixed on Hisoka’s hand for a long moment. He tore his gaze away and cast it elsewhere. 

He ran his fingers over the delicate pattern on the side of his plate, then the intricate finishings along his fork. He took a deep breath and flattened his palm along the delicate lace rim of the tablecloth, trapping the fabric between his thumb and index finger. Lastly, he reached for one of the fallen flower petals from the bouquet and hid it in his hands under the table, tracing fingertips along its velvet softness before letting it fall to the ground. Hisoka provided him with time and space until the black eyes found their way back to the small display, awaiting the next step despite probably knowing it.

“3 things u hear”

Illumi took a moment to take in the noises surrounding him, then typed, “Cutlery on porcelain.” Not letting go of the phone, he listened intently, seemingly unable to decide. “Killua’s voice” and “Mother’s laughter” joined the list.

Hisoka thought Illumi looked a little more relaxed already, but it was important to him that they went through all of the steps, so he continued: “2 things u can smell”

Immediately, Illumi typed “A lot,” then deleted it again, his expression growing more tense. Hisoka knew from experience that anxious moments could trick the brain into thinking that everything smelled bad, even if it was something as inviting as fresh pastries and opulent bouquets. Illumi’s eyes darted around, pointedly dropping when they met his father’s stare across the table. After a few seconds of contemplation, he added “Caramelised sugar” and “Strawberries.” With visible effort, he willed his shoulders to relax again.

Hisoka wished he could bridge the gap between them by gently nudging Illumi to show him how well he was doing, and how proud he was of him. But he didn’t dare touch him right now. They weren’t at that point yet, not now, and not anytime soon, he was sure. The thought ached again, a knife embedded deep in his chest, but he pushed his own feelings aside. Calming Illumi was more important.

“last one, Illu :) 1 thing u can taste”

Illumi’s gaze lingered on him once again, this time on his face, but then found the mangled piece of cake on his plate. He exhaled silently and picked up his fork, bringing a small portion of food towards his mouth. His aversion to eating anything right now was nothing but obvious, but he did it nonetheless, chewing thoroughly and then swallowing it. Afterwards he sat there, staring blankly at his plate before he dug in with renewed vigour – he’d probably only now realised just how hungry he was. With one hand still busy scooping up another bite of cake, he reached down and tapped away at the screen. Hisoka huffed out a silent laugh when a single symbol appeared on it: “🍰”

-

Panting breaths made it past his lips. Hisoka stared at the blinking screen in disbelief, a few heart stickers littering the floor to his feet. He’d just lost his fourth round of Dance Dance Revolution, against Zeno of all people, and was slowly starting to doubt his own sanity. As well as his control over his body.

“How–” His gasps only earned a collective grin from everyone. “You guys are monsters,” he wheezed. Zeno and Killua shrugged in unison, and Alluka – who had changed into comfortable sweatpants somewhere along the way – giggled. Kalluto had fire in his eyes, itching for another round of beating someone much older and larger than him in any type of competition. Hisoka would’ve never expected to see so much unrestrained bloodlust from an eleven year old. It felt like the entire Zoldyck family tree was out to get him. Well, he hadn’t lost against Milluki or Illumi yet, but both of them had abstained from the DDR match entirely, quietly conversing on one of the many couches while the rest of the attendees danced their asses off – and handed Hisoka’s ass to him.

“You’ll learn,” Zeno said, his grin goading when he continued, “I guess you’re simply lacking practice.”

“Nah gramps, he just sucks,” Killua commented casually.

“Rematch,” Hisoka demanded immediately, the single word drenched in what was left of his pride and his unwillingness to admit defeat, and Zeno restarted the game to the cheers of his three youngest grandchildren.

It was another full roll call of lost rematches later when Illumi approached Hisoka, free of accessories and with his hair back to normal. They hadn’t really talked since dinner a few hours ago. “I think it’s time for us to go home,” he said discreetly.

“Oh,” Hisoka said, holding on to the bars of the DDR machine, still a little breathless. “Go home? Already?” It wasn’t even nine yet and he was actually starting to have a bit of fun.

Illumi’s following glance made him wish he hadn’t responded as loudly as he did, because now Alluka perked up. 

“You’re leaving??” She sounded immensely disappointed. “I thought you’d stay overnight.”

“I’m sorry,” Illumi said, “But it’s really time for us to go. We’ll see each other soon again for the convention and then you’re stuck with us for a full three days,” he tried to console her. Uncharacteristically not permitting the other side to give much of a counterpoint, he gave his sister a final hug and then made his round of goodbyes. Hisoka could see that everyone was as bewildered as him – except maybe Zeno and Milluki – but he followed Illumi nonetheless. 

He wanted to ask if there was a reason for their sudden departure, but his question remained unspoken when they passed one of the living rooms and spotted Zoldyck parents sitting there. After dinner they’d excused themselves, leaving the children to their own devices. Hisoka couldn’t say that he was mad about it. The party had been decidedly less stifled without them around. 

Illumi visibly steeled himself before he knocked on the doorframe, making his parents raise their heads in unison. Silva put a photo album aside – Hisoka noted the golden “Alluka” emblazoned on the side and the several, freshly printed out photos on the table before them. Sentimental after all, hm…?

“We’re about to leave,” Illumi announced. Silva’s expression immediately darkened with what could only be interpreted as disdain over his son’s direct choice of words, so different from his usual politeness, but it was Kikyou who spoke.

“So soon? We expected you to spend the night. We even had the guest house prepared for you.”

Some of Illumi’s posture briefly lost its stability. “I wasn’t aware.” 

As if she could sense his faltering, Kikyou immediately went all out. “Poor Alluka, she was so happy to have you for longer than just a few hours. It’s her birthday after all…” She was close to sobbing again. “She must be so disappointed. I thought we talked about the importance of family.” Oh come on now. Hisoka only barely resisted the urge to scrunch his nose at the inflated melodramatics.

“My apologies,” Illumi said, but notably didn’t cave. Kikyou’s fake snivelling stopped at once and both of the parents fell silent, raising their eyebrows, as if waiting for their son to offer any compensation for his repeated misstep. But he didn’t. 

It slowly dawned on Hisoka that Illumi wasn’t departing for the sake of it or simply wasn’t in the mood for a party. He wasn’t the one to stubbornly provoke for provocation’s sake. For whatever reason, he really wanted to leave, and fast. Hisoka didn’t understand why.

The rise in tension was undeniable, and it grew with every passing second after Illumi’s amends-less apology. Silva broke the prolonged stalemate by saying, “So you’ll stay?” It wasn’t really a question, which was unsurprising. As far as Hisoka knew the parents hadn’t even informed Illumi of their plans of a sleepover, because he hadn’t packed any spare clothes or ever mentioned something like it to Hisoka. 

The barely audible sound of Illumi swallowing reached his ears, and he looked like his resolve would crumble, after all. He was caught up in yet another situation in which he could only lose, and then his lips parted–

“I’m afraid we can’t,” Hisoka cut in, and everyone present shifted their focus towards him. “I have an early appointment for an interview tomorrow,” he lied. In reality, he hadn’t even discussed anything of the sort with Nat yet, but he knew that someone like Silva sure as hell wouldn’t interfere with something that was business-related. “The message only came in today around noon. I know it’s super last minute but it’s very important that I get that internship, and we’d have to get up about two hours earlier if we slept here… and you know, the traffic is always unpredictable and I can’t risk being late, so…”

Silva blinked and then narrowed his eyes marginally, and Hisoka was sweating like a sinner in church, not sure if Papa Zoldyck was buying any of his bullshit. 

“That’s very… responsible of you,” he said in a low voice, keeping his icy gaze strictly on Illumi, as if to ask him if he knew the meaning of that word. Hisoka heard Illumi’s teeth press together again. His roommate looked like he was barely able to contain the many potential clapbacks that were probably fighting for dominance on the tip of his tongue, trying to break free. 

Reining in his urge to shield Illumi from his father and drag him out of the house right away, Hisoka simply said, “I’ll make sure my appointments won’t clash with your plans again. Thank you so much for having us today, it was lots of fun.”

Kikyou joined in with a pinched smile: “Good luck on your interview, Hisoka.”

“Thank you. Have a good night.”

After a short exchange of goodbyes, and a last hug from Kikyou to Illumi, they left the house and entered the car. But the hoped for reprieve didn’t make an appearance.

Before he even settled in his seat, Illumi reached over to the glove compartment and dug around in it, pulling a pill bottle free and popping two into his mouth. Hisoka watched him, worry spreading in his gut. 

Had he forgotten to take his meds? Was that why the anxiety had been so bad today? … No, usually Illumi would medicate for that in the morning. But Hisoka was sure he wouldn’t take his sleeping pills in the car with a quite lengthy drive still ahead. It was already dark out, so he couldn’t see which medication Illumi had just taken, and somehow it felt tactless to ask.

“Are you okay?” he tried.

Illumi didn’t reply, fumbling with his seatbelt, apparently having swallowed the pills dry. His movements were hurried and looked angry to Hisoka. The sinking feeling returned.

“Illumi?”

No response. 

The silence was back. Hisoka had almost forgotten how suffocating it could be. It posed as the perfect breeding ground for his self-doubt, making its ugly comeback, roaring in his mind. 

Who had he been trying to kid? The party, if anything, had only been a distraction from their many, many unresolved issues carrying over from the previous evening. At the end of the day, Hisoka had been completely incapable of fixing anything, his laughable attempts to rebuild trust and close the distance all coming up empty.

And now Illumi wasn’t even talking to him anymore. 

As the other man started the engine, dread crept up Hisoka’s spine. He tried to find his most recent mistake. Was it lying to the parents? Was it not checking in enough with Illumi? Was it the audacity to have fun at the party? Was it the lingering effects of their conversation?

Maybe he’s made a decision… Maybe he wants me out after all, wants to get it over with. Maybe today was just the final nail in the coffin. He took me here so he wouldn’t be asked any questions about my absence… but now he can throw me out and his family won’t know until the convention in a few weeks.

He glanced over at the silent man who steered the car away from the family estate grounds, and towards the long road ahead. In the wordless expanse of their drive, Hisoka peeled the remaining heart stickers off his face, collecting them in his palm, sinking deeper and deeper into the vortex of insecurities unfolding in his mind.

This was never your home to begin with, his fear reminded him.

As they re-entered the city, he watched the lit-up buildings pass, not even trying to keep his brain from finding the closest hotels, his packed duffle bag at the forefront of his thoughts, ready to be picked up. 

Alluka’s smile upon unwrapping the dress crossed his mind again. Illumi’s clearly touched smile right after. 

A dress was easily fixed.

Betrayed trust, not so much.

If only there’d been more time…

Hisoka’s heart felt heavy when Illumi parked the car in its designated spot underground. He exited on the driver's side and then held the door open for Hisoka. The usually so chivalrous gesture now looked like an unspoken order to hurry up. Hisoka did. 

He followed him to the elevator, watching the numbers climb as the tiny metal box ascended. It was in the cramped spaces where the divide was the most visceral. He could even smell his own fear. Was he sweating again? He didn’t dare try and catch Illumi’s gaze, and the other man wasn’t looking at him either. The pendant of the day collar was a cruel weight in the dip of his clavicle, intensifying his pounding heartbeat. 

The soft ding came too soon and made him jump. Illumi stepped out of the elevator and unlocked the door to their condo, taking an unusually long time to enter the number code. Hisoka wasn’t sure if he should keep his shoes on. But when Illumi didn’t immediately throw him out upon reentering his home, Hisoka took them off, reluctantly.

“I’ll get you a drink,” he said, desperately trying to cling to any sense of normalcy and fill the silence somehow. He made his way to the kitchen and opened one of the cabinets to fetch two glasses. As he turned towards the ice machine in the fridge, a sudden clattering noise and a heavy thump startled him. 

“Jesus– You alright?” he called out over his shoulder. No response. Hisoka’s brow’s furrowed, his instincts telling him that something wasn’t right. Glasses put aside, he hurried back to the hallway and–

He found Illumi collapsed on the floor.

The world went numb around him. 

Hisoka didn’t even register himself moving until he found himself by the other man’s side, almost stumbling over the key dish bowl he’d knocked over. He knelt down and rolled him onto his back, and his heart sank at finding Illumi’s eyes closed. His breathing looked uneven and laboured. Hisoka immediately checked his pulse – still there, thank god – and then his temperature.

Illumi was burning up.

“Fuck–” Hisoka fumbled for his phone, dialling with shaking fingers, pressing it to his ear. “Illumi?” The addressed man remained completely unresponsive. Hisoka felt hot panic rise in his throat, each dial tone only increasing the gravity of the situation.

Ring.

He just tried to get us home… Why did I not notice? Why did I not check on him when I saw him get pale and sweaty?

Ring.

Maybe he already woke up feeling sick, but didn’t want to disappoint his family again. Why the fuck did he not tell me??

Ring.

Hisoka saw Illumi’s eyelids tremble, and he leaned in. “Illumi– Hey.” He carefully patted his cheek, but even that felt like a betrayal, an overrunning of boundaries, so he stopped touching him. “Can you hear me? Illu.”

Ring.

He didn’t feel safe enough to–

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” The calm voice interrupted Hisoka’s agitated thoughts.

“Yes, hello–” He ran through his full name and address, finding it nearly impossible not to stutter, “My–” he looked at Illumi, “My friend is unconscious. I think he has a fever, too. We just came home and he collapsed. I don’t know what to do.”

“We’re sending someone over right away. Stay on the line, Sir.”

A flash of red crossed Hisoka’s mind.

Mom? Mommy, what’s wrong?

He bit his lip. 

“Is he breathing?”

“Yeah–yes.”

“Did your friend hit his head? Can you please check that for me, Sir? Is he bleeding?”

Hisoka willed himself into motion, carefully trying to answer the questions without moving Illumi too much. “He’s not bleeding,” he tried to think back to the sounds. Clatter. Thump. “I don’t think he hit his head on anything.”

The dispatcher helped Hisoka guide Illumi into recovery position and told him to keep an eye on his pulse. It was unsteadily racing beneath Hisoka’s fingertips.

Thump thump thump.

Dark gym. Empty barstool.

Thump thump thump.

Hospital bed. Dangling lightbulb.

Thump.

Stay.

Chapter Text

Hisoka was rooted in place, back pressed against the wall of the hallway, watching the scene in front of him unfold. Everything was moving too quickly and not fast enough. Memories of a six year old, fresh and alive in an adult’s body, re-awakened by noises, voices, smells. Dreadful familiarity.

“Low blood pressure,” the doctor said, eyes trained on the tiny monitor. She was kneeling on the ground, her greying hair tied back in an orderly ponytail. Hisoka knew he would remember the back of her head and the tension in her shoulders more than her actual face. Upon hearing her describe the symptoms, one of the other medics nodded and lifted Illumi’s legs. 

“He was out for how long?”

Hisoka needed a moment to realise he’d been the one addressed. “Two minutes at most.” It had felt like an hour, but he knew it hadn’t been long. He had had to put his phone down when Illumi reopened his eyes, and the screen had lit up showing the still-running call, barely ninety seconds had passed.

 “Likely a vasovagal syncope, then,” the doctor concluded.

Hisoka wasn’t sure he understood if it was something particularly serious or not. He had the urge to ask for clarification, but didn’t want to interrupt their work. They had better things to do right now, he simply refocused on the man laying on the ground.

Illumi had woken up before the medical team had even arrived, but he wasn’t really coherent. In fact, he could barely keep his eyes open and was much closer to a state that could be described as delirious. His head kept lolling to the side like he was dizzy or about to pass out again, his gaze jumping back and forth without finding any focus, and his breathing was still laboured, shallow.

As they checked his pupillary reflexes with a flashlight – confirming that he hadn’t injured his head during his fall – so many questions were flung Hisoka’s way that his mind started swimming, but his recalling of the recent events made the physician in charge place a lot of confidence in her findings.

She was, however, concerned about the fever. Hisoka could see it in the deep lines of her forehead and the crease of her brows when she checked Illumi’s temperature. 105 degrees. One of the medics had opened his shirt in an attempt to cool him off, giving way to a sweat-slick, heaving torso.

“Mister Zoldyck,” the doctor’s tone changed into something more articulate, careful to speak in a distinct manner, “can you hear me?”

At first it looked like Illumi wouldn’t respond, but then a strangled “...where-...” fell from his lips, only a whisper.

“You’re at home,” the doctor provided, but Illumi didn’t look like that answered his question. The tension in his eyebrows increased slightly, and one of his hands was ghosting across the carpet, like he was searching for something he’d dropped.

Unable to make sense of the behaviour, Hisoka’s worry was mounting. Letting Illumi out of sight for even a second was out of the question, and he was very thankful that nobody tried to shoo him off. His stance said very clearly that they probably would’ve had to wrestle him for that, and well, considering he was a tall, muscular man, no one seemed to have enough willpower or time to tackle the potential problem he posed. Despite the Queen of Hearts makeup still painting his features, which probably softened his looming nature a bit.

Illumi swallowed and it took a moment for him to somewhat focus his vision onto the doctor leaning above him. His face scrunched with pain but he tried again. “...where... is my sub?” 

Hisoka went beet-red in the face. Yep. Illumi definitely had a fever.

“Your what?” The doctor looked puzzled, in all probability picturing a sandwich. In contrast, one of the younger medics seemed to know exactly what Illumi meant and shot a glimpse towards Hisoka, immediately zeroing in on his day collar. The blush on Hisoka’s face deepened.

He cleared his throat, stepping closer, and dropped his voice into something soft and soothing. “I’m right here, Illu.” 

Illumi blinked again, straining to find him among the many faces currently crowding his hallway. Even when his eyes locked onto him, they continued to appear somewhat shaky. Still, his relief over Hisoka’s presence was written plainly on his face, and he relaxed back against the floor while his hands stilled on the carpet. For a moment Hisoka was overcome with the horrible realisation of what could’ve happened if he’d decided against staying after their fight.

The doctor tried to bring everyone’s attention front and centre again. 

“Mister Zoldyck, has this happened before? Have you ever collapsed?” She motioned for her team to get Illumi off the floor and finally carry him over to the couch, where his feet were promptly propped up on a high stack of pillows. 

“No,” Illumi said, after swallowing multiple times, the single word taking him a lot of effort.

“Do you have any idea what might have caused this?”

Illumi squinted in the low light as if the sun was shining directly in his face. He nodded, once. “Stress, I think…” Hisoka was glad he wasn’t avoiding or denying it. 

Realising Illumi was currently only capable of functioning at a snail’s pace, the doctor addressed Hisoka.

“Any idea what he’s referring to?” The corner of his mouth twitched. Ma’am, the stories I could tell you–

Pulling himself together, he started, “He just came back from a ten day business trip to Spain with his father,” he gave her a meaningful look, trying to convey how the presence of Illumi’s father was a big part of the stress but he couldn’t be sure she caught his meaning, so he continued, “And uh– we had a fight upon his return which… didn’t go too well, to put it mildly.” He shot a quick glance towards Illumi again. “Today we visited his family, which probably wasn’t the most relaxing thing either, with him being jet-lagged and all… It was a lot at once, even for his standards…” 

“What does he do for work?”

“He’s a realtor. Family business.” 

“Long days?”

“Yeah,” Hisoka said. It probably wasn’t the best time to call Illumi out on getting an average of three to four hours of sleep per night. He knew it wasn’t entirely Illumi’s fault either. Insomnia aside, Hisoka suspected that if society ever found a way of stretching days to twenty-five hours, Silva would surely force Illumi to work twenty-six of them.

“Yeah… recently they were all very long…” Illumi agreed with a slight delay from the couch, palm pressed against his own forehead. 

Hisoka felt like a traitor mentioning it, but he wanted to make sure the doctor had the full picture, so he added, “He also didn’t get much sleep last night.” If any at all. “Or for the last two days of his business trip. He and his father went straight from a celebration to the airport.”

The physician kept a hand on Illumi’s wrist, continuously monitoring his pulse. Hisoka’s eyes couldn’t stop darting back and forth between her serious face and Illumi’s agitated one, wondering when she’d start giving him something against his obvious pain. She seemed to be preoccupied with her paperwork, jotting down things on the report on the clipboard she had placed on the couch table.

“Any medication?”

“Yeah, they’re in his nightstand drawer.” Hisoka vaguely gestured in the direction of the master bedroom, otherwise not moving, eyes still glued to Illumi. One of the medics leaned in and asked, “Could you please go and get them, Sir?” Hisoka briefly considered verbalising his ‘fuck no I’m not going anywhere’-thoughts, but decided against it. A tantrum wasn’t of much help right now. Grinding his teeth, he fetched the pills as quickly as possible and handed them over to the person closest to him, who read the nearly unpronounceable names out loud to the doctor. She added a few points to the list, then addressed Illumi again.

“Mister Zoldyck, can you confirm to me that you are on medication for anxiety and insomnia?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you medicate as usual today?”

“I did. But I skipped my sleep meds yesterday. I felt too restless.” 

Hisoka remembered Illumi’s avoidant nature in the gym last night. He reached up to massage the space between his eyebrows, took a deep breath, and summoned every available ounce of his empathy and patience. 

You anxiety-riddled idiot…

“Can you please give me a quick recap of today’s events in your own words?”

Illumi tried to swallow, his throat evidently still very dry. Hisoka finally moved to grab him a drink, the glasses in the kitchen still where he’d abandoned them a few minutes prior. He heard Illumi’s soft muttering behind him as he filled one of them with ice-cubes.

“...woke up with a headache… couldn’t eat breakfast… went to my sister’s birthday party… had another argument with my father…” The swirl of water filling up the glass distorted a portion of Illumi’s report to Hisoka’s ears.

“Have you had enough hydration? Have you eaten today?” the doctor asked.

Hisoka sat the glass down on the island and opened the drawers in search of a straw, his eyes darting to the people in the living room. Illumi looked like he was about to retch, going pale again. “No… I didn’t eat much all day.” Another note on the clipboard, the doctor’s eyebrows rising in a look of what seemed like slight irritation. Like a guardian having to tell their child that sticking a fork in the socket was probably a bad idea.

“Was there any specific reason for that? Upset stomach? Loss of appetite?”

“Anxiety, mostly…” Illumi almost whispered, his shame evident. He usually wasn’t embarrassed to talk about it, but his symptoms also rarely reached this level of intensity, at least as far as Hisoka was aware. Despite being in his own home now, Illumi probably still didn’t feel safe or free of judgement. Pressing his lips together, Hisoka found and added the straw, and made his way back to the couch.

“Did you feel dizzy at any point?”

“No… just nauseous… tired… anxious.” 

Her forehead wrinkled again at Illumi’s words. With all due respect for her profession, her idleness was wearing Hisoka’s patience thin. He made his way past the medical team, walked around the couch and crouched down to be on level with Illumi’s face. With a gentle verbal heads-up, he nudged the straw against the corner of Illumi’s mouth. The other man took a few careful but grateful sips, still rubbing a hand over his sweat-soaked forehead like he was trying to get rid of an itch. Hisoka leaned the cool glass against Illumi’s temple and saw him draw a breath of relief.

“Your roommate mentioned you took some medication before you headed home?”

“Yeah… just some Ibuprofen… my head was killing me.”

The doctor kept a practised neutral tone – even as her expression did nothing to hide the fact that there was a lecture dawning on the horizon – and said, “Mister Zoldyck, your body was giving you very clear warning signs.” She looked at the clipboard, listing off points, “Your circulation was likely already affected by the stress and jet lag, an empty stomach, lack of hydration, emotional turmoil, overexhaustion, and the fever. A day of rest would have been much more advisable than attending a party. If you don’t make time for recovery, your body will make it for you. What if you’d lost consciousness on the road?”

A shiver ran down Hisoka’s spine, his eyes going wide. He hadn’t had any time to think about it, but now realised that their drive home could’ve ended a lot differently.

A shocked and humiliated “...oh,” was all that fell from Illumi’s lips in response.

“You got lucky this time, but I strongly advise you to stay in bed until your fever breaks.” She had already started to pack her things as she spoke, having apparently ruled out all the more severe potential causes for Illumi’s collapse. “If your temperature doesn’t lower within the next forty-eight hours, you should see a doctor. And even when it does, it’s advisable to take a few days off after. Make sure to stay hydrated and rest a lot.”

Illumi nodded, and Hisoka saw the reflex to apologise form on the tip of his tongue, but instead he said, “Thank you, I will.” Following his lead, Hisoka thanked the team as well, overwhelmingly grateful that no one had to be taken to the hospital.

The paramedics saw themselves out, leaving nothing but silence and residual adrenaline behind. Hisoka was still kneeling next to the couch, his pulse pounding stubbornly despite his attempts to calm himself and the repeated reassurance that Illumi wasn’t in any mortal danger. Even so, the It could’ve been a lot worse gnawed at the back of his mind like a persistent parasite. 

He looked at Illumi’s profile, at a loss for words. The other man was still unable to keep his vision focused or his eyes open for very long, the fever raging throughout his body. Hisoka rotated the glass so the colder side was pressing against Illumi’s temple, the icy drops trickling down his heated cheek.

“Thank you for calling help. I’m so sorry I put you in this situation,” Illumi said, his tongue straining to push the words past his lips, where they fell like stones. His eyes were closed, eyebrows pulled taut with an expression of shame and regret. A short pause, a deep breath. “You must be angry.” 

Hisoka was inclined to agree. It felt like something extremely corrosive was eating itself through his guts and overshadowed everything else in its intensity, setting his veins on fire. The relief over Illumi finally talking to him again didn’t even register before a wave of emotion overtook him: a pressure in the pit of his stomach, something that crushed his throat shut and sent his pulse pounding behind his eyeballs, making him want to scream. But instead of letting it run free and take over, he paused to examine it a little closer. 

Was it truly… anger? 

He observed the man in front of him again, met the slightly bloodshot eyes that were struggling to focus. Hisoka distantly noted the tremble of his own, cramping hands, the sweat that had gathered at his hairline. How hard it was to swallow. 

…No. He wasn’t angry. Anger was the usual, most readily available mask, trying to trick him. But it wasn’t what he felt, not really. It was more like–

“...You scared the shit out of me,” Hisoka whispered. 

I thought you weren’t going to wake up again. I thought I’d lose you in every possible sense.

He knew how quickly these things could happen, how quickly a loved one could be carted away into the intensive care unit, and still, sometimes it wasn’t quick enough.

Illumi exhaled, eyes having fallen shut again. “I’m truly sorry, Hisoka. It won’t happen again.”

Hisoka didn’t know how much trust he could place in the words conjured by a fever-riddled brain. Plus, he wasn’t sure how much control Illumi truly had over his own body shutting down. Nonetheless, he said: “I’ll hold you to that.”

Hisoka wondered what kind of expression he currently wore, if there was any expression at all. He couldn’t be sure, feeling strangely disconnected from his own body, unable to make his face move to his will. He was acutely aware of the re-erected walls, trying to keep him safe and sound when the outside world was too much to bear. A place to recoup was, in all probability, the most sensible thing at the moment, even if it was just in his own mind. 

Right now, he needed to function. He could sort out the emotions later.

“...we have to tell your family what happened,” he said, trying to stick to the most pragmatic next steps in order to regain his composure, “You can’t go back to work anytime soon.”

Illumi was quiet and didn’t move for a while. So much of his life was dictated by his job that Hisoka wondered if being unable to work translated to being utterly useless in his mind. It wouldn’t have surprised him. Eventually, a pent-up sigh fell from the other man’s lips, his thoughts no doubt going to the same place as Hisoka’s – angering Silva seemed unavoidable – but they both knew Hisoka was right. 

“I’m aware,” he said and tried to sit up, holding his head, the pain likely spiking with his movement. “Have you seen my phone?”

“Let me call them for you,” Hisoka said. Confusion spread on Illumi’s features as he squinted over, so Hisoka elaborated, “I just want to avoid any extra stress for you and get you into bed, so you can rest.” There was also a considerable part of Hisoka that was sure that Illumi’s current state would be used to his disadvantage in one way or another if he called in person. Silva would probably pull a ‘You can’t be too sick if you still managed to call.’

The other man already opened his mouth to protest but then closed it again when Hisoka extended a hand his way. Illumi stilled. 

They hadn’t touched in more than a day. 

“Please,” Hisoka said, “Let me do this for you.”

His roommate hesitated for another moment and simply looked, long enough for Hisoka to almost lose hope again, but then Illumi bridged the gap and took it. 

“...alright.”

A tiny exhale left his lips and their eyes met. The first step was made.

Hisoka couldn’t muster a smile but offered his other hand, moving both of them along Illumi’s arms to his elbows in order to support him better, still careful to not go overboard with the physical contact.

He helped Illumi stand, guiding his staggering steps towards the master bedroom before lowering him onto the edge of the mattress. He fetched him a much more comfortable set of clothes, his preferred sleepwear consisting of an oversized t-shirt and boxer shorts. While Illumi changed and lay down, Hisoka hurried to bring a pitcher as well as a big bowl of cold water to the room. He soaked some rags, wrung them out a bit and placed one on Illumi’s forehead. Next, he threw back the blanket and wrapped his calves in the cooling embrace as well. Illumi shivered and made a displeased noise in the back of his throat.

“I know,” Hisoka said, “But your fever isn’t gonna fix itself.”

Lastly, he helped him rehydrate. Three whole glasses of water down the hatch, he insisted. While Illumi dutifully followed the instructions, Hisoka adjusted the alarms on his phone, reminding himself every ninety minutes to get Illumi to drink something – instead of the usual three hour cycle. As long as he was sweating this much, it was an absolute necessity.

Illumi finished his third glass. There was a muted sound of the liquid sloshing around in his stomach as he lay back down.

“Thanks,” Hisoka said, putting the cup on the nightstand and moving off the bed. “Try to rest, okay?”

“Hisoka…” Illumi’s voice stopped him in his tracks. The black eyes looked up at him, a troubled expression spreading on their owner’s face. Hisoka turned back around and tilted his head in a silent invitation to continue. The other man seemed to mull something over before he said, “Can we talk again? About… everything that was said during our fight.”

A familiar pit opened up in Hisoka’s stomach, his anxiety more than happy to fill it with a raging fire of panic fueled by copious amounts of residual adrenaline, but he didn’t let himself succumb to its flames just yet. Instead he slowly returned to his seat on the edge of the bed.

He wants to talk. You wanted him to talk. Now don’t push him away just because you’re scared. 

“Sure,” he said. “But get some rest first, please.” We don’t need a repetition of our last conversation.

Illumi nodded and hesitantly slid his hand onto Hisoka’s. His fingers were cold and shaking slightly, maybe in fear of a repeated recoil from the contact or maybe just from the fever. Either way, Hisoka turned his hand and brushed his thumb across the other man’s skin to signal he wouldn’t go anywhere any time soon. He gave him a reassuring squeeze for good measure.

“I’m sorry,” Illumi said again, seemingly not able to let go of the conversation just yet. Hisoka had trouble pinpointing what exactly he was sorry for, but he didn’t push it. He was glad the distance had diminished for now and hoped it wouldn’t return in the next few days.

“Thank you for apologising,” Hisoka said. “I’m sorry, too. Let’s talk about everything when it’s time, okay?” He did his best to make the tone of his voice convey the necessary calmness.

Illumi seemed to catch on. He replied with a simple, “Okay.”

So far, so good. “Are you comfortable with me calling your family?”

“Yes, I trust you,” Illumi said right away. He pointed towards the floor. “My phone should be in my pocket, I think…” Hisoka picked up Illumi’s pants and found the device after a bit of rummaging. Illumi unlocked it for him and opened his contacts before handing it back to him. 

All of the family members’ numbers were marked as favourites at the top of the list, along with only two non-Zoldycks: himself and a person named Rowan Bell. Hisoka blinked at the unfamiliar name and wondered why this one – among over 700 contacts, my god – had earned its place among the favourites, but a glimpse at Illumi’s pallid face told him now was not the time to question it.

“I’ll be right back,” Hisoka said and dimmed the lights in the room before he left for the terrace. 

The cooling breeze felt soothing and welcome on his face, while also making  him acutely aware of how sweaty he was. He tried to wipe the worst of it, the smudged makeup his palm came away with reminding him that he had yet to clean his face. He needed a shower. And maybe he should try and get Illumi to eat something before he went to sleep, too. Shooting their housekeeper a text to grab some ingredients for a nice soup wouldn’t be the dumbest thing either. And then– Ah, the call. 

With the rapidly growing mental to-do-list doing nothing to dissipate his unrest, his eyes dropped back to the tiny screen in his hand. His fingers hovered over Zeno’s name for a while – it looked so very tempting, the easiest route for sure – but then he sighed and called Silva instead. There was no way around it. 

Let’s get this over with…

It didn’t take long until Papa Zoldyck picked up, his tone irritated right off the bat. Instead of a hello or any greeting, he opted to start the call with, “Illumi, do you have any idea how late it is?”

It was 11:56 p.m., to be exact. A time at which Illumi was, more often than not, still working. 

“Hi, Mister Zoldyck. It’s Hisoka.”

The line went quiet for a second before Silva said, sounding marginally more composed and confused now, “Why are you calling me with Illumi’s phone?” There wasn’t even a trace of worry in his tone.

“I don’t have your number, and he gave me permission. I have some news.” When there was no immediate reply, he took a deep breath, steeling himself for the rest of his report. “Illumi collapsed when we came home. He was unconscious for a while.” He paused to see if Silva would say something, but he didn’t. Despite his ire already rising a bit, Hisoka tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. People had different ways of expressing shock. “It is most likely nothing too serious but the emergency doctor said it was due to stress and overexertion, and he has a fever too. His circulation took a pretty big hit. He’s in bed resting right now and he can’t come in for work tomorrow.”

“I see.” A long stretch of silence followed and for a moment Hisoka thought that maybe Silva understood the gravity of the situation, but then he continued, “And how long will it take until he’s up and ready to work again, what do you think? Just for organisation’s sake.” 

Hisoka’s fists balled. That’s your main concern?

“I don’t know. His fever is pretty bad.” No reaction. “The doctor advised him to rest even after it breaks.” More silence. “Because it’s not the only concern,” Hisoka emphasised, starting to feel like he was talking to a particularly slow, stubborn, oversized toddler. 

A sigh came from the speaker, and the exasperated sound of it made Hisoka’s eyebrow twitch. The fact that Silva was acting like this situation was hardest for him caused his blood to boil.

Deep breaths. Don’t do anything stupid now. Don’t– don’t–

“Well, it can’t be helped. Tell him–”

Fuck it. “Yes it can.”

“What?”

“Yes it can be helped,” Hisoka said, every word as sharp as a knife, dripping with sarcasm. “The solution is quite simple, really. You could stop pushing him like this, for example.”

“...Excuse me?” There was clear offence in Silva’s tone now.

“Or,” Hisoka continued, his tone increasingly biting, “You could start treating him like your son instead of an employee you’re intending to run down to the bone. At least on his time off. Not that there is much of that to begin with.”

“Are you implying that his breakdown is my fault?”

Hisoka gasped mockingly. “Kind of sounds like it, doesn’t it?”

Evidently not happy to have the spotlight on him for a change, Silva continued, his voice dropping dangerously low, his words unhurried and distinct, “Neither my business nor our family matters should be any of your concern.”

Hisoka couldn’t help the dry laugh that escaped his mouth next. The ‘You’re not part of the family’ shtick fell kind of flat when it came from one of the worst father figures he had ever met in his life – and with his background, that truly meant something. He rubbed a hand over his face, finding Silva’s gall and blindness nearly incomprehensible.

“But it is my concern. I live with Illumi and he’s important to me.”

“I thought you were simply ‘roommates’.” The quotation marks were audible. “You made that very clear at brunch.”

Hisoka laughed again, even as his jaw hardened with tightness. “Yes we are, and oh my god, he’s also my friend. He’s impossible not to care about! Have you met your son? He’s amazing and I want him to be okay. Is that really so hard to grasp as a concept??” He took a breath, steadying himself, “But all of that is beside the point. Everyone can see he works himself half to death all the time. I just happen to notice it every morning and every night because of our proximity. You can’t tell me you’re unable to see it, can you?”

“Has he ever complained to you about his work?” Dodging the question, are we, Papa Zoldyck? And completely placing the responsibility on your son… As if you’re not the one who made him feel like he won’t be heard even if he speaks up.

“He never complains but–”

“He doesn’t complain because that’s how it is in our business. In most industries, really. Do you think it’s any different for any of us, or is real work simply that foreign of a concept to you? He never had any issues before he got to know you.” Tension pulled on his muscles because the sudden segue caught him off-guard, but Hisoka didn’t take the bait. He wasn’t really concerned with what someone like Silva thought of his selected career path, work ethic, or his ‘bad influence’ on his son – he had been aware that the parents weren’t too fond of him ever since brunch. But his reply seemingly didn’t matter anyway, at least Illumi’s father didn’t give him any time to verbalise it. 

“I am pushing him just like I’m pushing all of my other employees.” Suuuure, only topped with enormous amounts of parental and personal guilt-tripping both during work hours and in his free time, for things that happened years ago or are out of his control. “I want him to take responsibility–”

That word was the final straw – the fuse blew, and Hisoka could feel the vein on his temple protrude and pulse with every word that darted out of his mouth, “DON’T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!” The sentence echoed across the terrace. “What you’re expecting from him is the most irresponsible bullshit I’ve ever heard! Which responsible adult ignores any and all warning signs from their body until they collapse? When will you realise you’re pushing him way too far?! When will it be enough?! When will you fucking LISTEN TO HIM when he shows you the lines?!”

“I–” 

“You know he could’ve ended up in the hospital or in a casket tonight! Really, just take a second to think about that! Your son! In a casket! Maybe keep that in mind the next time you talk to him! So how about you shove your expectations, grow a fucking spine, and start taking responsibility for your own actions instead of forcing Illumi to take the fall!?”

At first, there was stunned silence. Then, he heard Silva take a deep, irritated breath. He heard his lips part before he took a single second to think about what he’d just been told. Hisoka didn’t plan on wasting time on another bullshit reply rooted in stubbornness and a broken ego. He had better things to do. His friend was sick and needed him. 

With every word carrying unflappable finality, he said, “Illumi won’t come in for work tomorrow or for the rest of the week, and he will call you whenever he feels ready for it. Goodnight,” and hung up.

The ringing in his ears slowly gave way to the sounds of the nightly city surrounding him. Sirens in the distance, honking cars, sputtering engines, voices and music carried by the wind. His own breathing at the forefront of it all, rapid and flat. 

Hisoka pressed the heels of his palms against his eyelids in an attempt to ground himself, crouching down near the pool, assessing his own state. 

Yep, now it was very definitely anger, with a capital A. But for once, it didn’t make him feel like he’d lost control. It felt necessary. He was done playing along with the likes of Silva, no matter what consequences might be waiting for him. It wasn’t like he needed his approval for anything, and he was a master at dealing with paternal vitriol. He just hoped that the fallout of this conversation wouldn’t be left for Illumi to handle. Reopening his eyes with new resolve, Hisoka lifted his head. …No. He’d do anything in his power to make sure that would never happen again.

After inhaling, he held that gulp of air for a couple of seconds, and released it again to vanish in the darkness surrounding him.

Then he dialled Zeno’s number.

-

Hisoka slipped into the bedroom not much later, showered and in a clean set of clothes. He was surprised to find Illumi still awake, but didn’t comment on it, simply setting the plate with freshly made sandwiches and the worlds’ clunkiest looking apple bunnies on the nightstand. The other man eyed the treats, a small smile soon tugging at the corner of his lips. Somehow it made him look even more tired, but Hisoka was glad to see him enjoy something.

“What happened to these…?” He poked at one of them, missing its ears. The others were similarly mauled, misshapen, and crudely cut.

“Well, most of them had unlucky encounters with a knife.” Just like Hisoka’s pinky finger, which was consequently wrapped in a band-aid. “Now they’re doomed to live out their lives as mutilated monstrosities. Better put them out of their misery quickly.” 

Hisoka’s residual anger after the calls hadn’t helped with handling the cutlery in a more graceful way, but he had tried his best. Granted, he had imagined them much easier to make, but clearly his culinary abilities were no match for Kikyou’s. He’d have to ask her for advice next time. Or borrow one of the butlers.

After returning Illumi’s phone, he leaned over and changed the rags on his beloved’s forehead and around his calves. “Everything good?”

Illumi fumbled with the comforter. “I heard you yell.” 

“Well… I did.” Hisoka cleared his throat. “But first things first: Zeno wished you a speedy recovery.” Grandpa had also reassured Hisoka he’d keep the family at bay, something he was immensely grateful for. Otherwise, he was certain Illumi’s phone would be blown up with calls and messages before the night was out, and the last thing he needed was Kikyou kicking down their door and making herself at home in the condo while trying to help but ultimately increasing Illumi’s stress levels tenfold.

Illumi’s stare suddenly bordered on dangerous when he asked with narrowed eyes, “Did you yell at my grandfather?”

“I would never,” Hisoka reassured him. Then he tilted his head from one side to the other before continuing in a lower voice, “Your father on the other hand…”

The black eyes grew into saucers before Illumi scrunched them shut and covered them with his hands. “Hisoka, why–”

“Look, I tried not to but he said things that weren’t very fair. You know it’s not like it’s hard to get on his bad side and I’m done pretending I’m fine with it. Sometimes I feel like everyone’s general existence is pissing him off.” He paused for a moment and searched Illumi’s face, much more severity bleeding into his voice when he continued, “I don’t think it’s right how he treats you.”

Illumi lowered his hands and let his contemplation stretch in a moment of silence before he said, “I think he’s still upset about what happened at the airport.”

“He can’t always be upset with you. And you apologised. More than once.” Illumi’s brows furrowed under the cold rag. After giving sufficient time for a reply but receiving none, Hisoka added, “Even if he is still upset with you for whatever reason, that doesn’t give him the right to treat you like shit.” 

Illumi didn’t reply. One look at his tense hands told Hisoka that dissecting that particular topic more than necessary right now wasn’t the smartest idea. He didn’t want to escalate things even further, and this wasn’t the time nor the place. Illumi had never really openly discussed any problems about his family, instead multiple times citing them as his biggest supporters, so Hisoka decided to shelve his personal issues with Zoldyck Senior for now. He continued in a more neutral tone, “Anyway, he knows about the situation and that you won’t be coming back to work in the next few days. I told him you’d call him once you felt well enough, so there’s no fixed date for you to return.”

That seemed to give Illumi enough reassurance to reply with, “Alright. Thank you.”

“I called Zeno afterwards. He promised to tell the others, so there are no courtesy calls lined up for you or me. All you need to do is recover and relax. I’ll help where I can.” Another nod. At first Hisoka wasn’t sure if the other man was mad at him for starting yet another feud with his dad, but then some tension bled from Illumi’s shoulders and he pulled the plate of food towards himself. Hisoka helped him sit up a bit and let him eat in peace, devouring his own portion in tandem. All the adrenaline had him starving.

He watched Illumi examine each and every one of his failed apple bunny attempts before eating them. The smile blooming on his lips eased Hisoka’s worries tremendously.

Despite his enthusiasm about the apple slices and his efforts to reduce the number of bite-sized sandwiches left on the plate, Illumi couldn’t finish his food. Hisoka didn’t complain – because he’d kind of anticipated this outcome. He was well-aware that Illumi probably didn’t even have an appetite at the moment. And despite him being the calmest he had seen him in the past day and a half, Hisoka suspected that the aftermath of his numerous anxiety attacks still left him with a whole bunch of side effects besides nausea. He put the rest of the bunny monstrosities out of their misery.

The following journey to the bathroom to brush his teeth proved to be big enough of an exertion for Illumi to break out into a sweat again and need a shoulder to lean on – something that Hisoka readily provided. When everything was done, a strange sense of happiness and relief filled him as he watched Illumi sink back against the pillow. The last bits of tension slipped from the other man’s body when Hisoka took his place next to him in bed. Illumi couldn’t sleep on his side because of the cold rag on his forehead, but he made sure to find Hisoka’s hand under the covers and hold it. He medicated, and it wasn’t long before he dozed off with their shoulders pressed against each other.

Watching his beloved drift off into a light sleep had Hisoka smiling. He could finally relax himself, knowing that Illumi was safe and at least somewhat comfortable. 

There was still much to be discussed and a lot to be fixed, but now, with all of the immediate obstacles out of the way, they could finally put this horrible day behind them for good.

-

The fever was – despite its severity – extremely short-lived and broke within the next day. Granted, the night had been beyond horrible but that much had been expected. Not even the sleeping meds could’ve prevented that. Fever-induced nightmares had frequently interrupted Illumi’s already restless slumber, and his state had bordered on delirious again whenever he awoke. Hisoka’s worry had flared up once more because of it, fearful that his roommate would slip into a more critical condition again. For the rest of the night, whenever Illumi so much as stirred, Hisoka was wide awake in an instant, poised to help. 

So needless to say, he was dead on his feet when the sun rose again.

If he had to guess, Illumi had lost half of his body weight in sweat that night, but when Hisoka checked his temperature after lunch, he knew that he had already made it through the worst of it. It was still a little spiked but didn’t call for the cold rag treatment anymore, which meant he could finally let the other man sleep in his preferred position.