Chapter 1: William’s Phone
Chapter Text
(Day 1 — 9:57 pm)
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
How are the dorms?
Are you all settled in?
Do I need to send you food?
Do I need to send you Louis?
Did you pack your lucky socks?
Are the dorms clean?
Is the bathroom clean?
Did you make sure your door locks properly?
Is it cold?
Should I send you blankets?
One more message from you and I will change my number I mean it
Well, forgive me for worrying about you
I assure you, I can take care of myself in a dorm room, Albert. It’s not like I can’t cook and anyway. 2 minute noodles are a thing. I’m fine.
…
I’m sending you food
And Louis
DON'T LEAVE ME ON READ, WILLIAM
(Day 1 — 10:03 pm)
Louis James Moriarty
Ignore everything Albert says
Okay but why
Because I’m your big brother and I said so
Why does Albert want me to drive fourteen hours to give you food
It’s ten pm William
What did you say to him
I may have implied that I’ll eat 2 minute noodles if I don’t have proper food
Tell him I have proper food!!!!
…
Fine I’ll stop him
But you owe me
Thanks
Now go to bed
It’s late
YOURE ONE TO TALK?????
DONT YOU HAVE ORIENTATION TOMORROW AT 7????
Go to bed and I won’t tell Albert that you’re the one that threw a baseball through his bedroom window
Even though you don’t even play and probably stole the ball from a random kid
I hope your lecturers are nasty. Good night.
(Day 2 — 11:48 am)
The Moriarty Clan
BCBJRJSJENDJJSS GOOD MORNING EVERYONE
YOURE NEVER GONNA GUESS WHAT I JUST SAW
Albert James Moriarty (work)
Is that
Louis James Moriarty
That is
James Bonde
William is that a fucking KEYSMASH?
Sebastian Moran
So we all agree that that’s not William anymore, right?
SO YOU KNOW HOW THE DORM BUILDINGS ARE REALLY CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER
I CAN SEE INTO THE ROOM ACROSS MINE BECAUSE THE WINDOWS FACE ONE ANOTHER
AND THIS UTTER IMBECILE
JUST LIT HIS CIGARETTE WITH A CLOTHES IRON
Fred Porlock
Gooodf or him.
James Bonde
Freddie I am BEGGING you to use both hands when you type
Fred Porlock
No
AJNDHDJSNSJSS HES JUST CASUALLY SMOKING IT LIKE HE DIDNT LIGHT IT WITH AN IRON?????
Albert James Moriarty (work)
I have never in all the years I’ve existed seen William use a keysmash not once but twice
Sebastian Moran
I have never seen him use a keysmash period
Fred Porlock
i thjink its onvbious thta he’s merelly distrfated by the cihgarettte guy.
James Bonde
Fred. Buddy. I’m on my knees groveling on the floor. Use both hands to type. PLEASE.
Fred Porlock
No
would it kill you assholes to actually pay attention to me
this is why i didnt even want this groupchat
Albert James Moriarty (work)
William what happened to your punctuation
Are you okay
Do you need Louis
STOP TRYING TO SEND LOUIS HERE
Louis James Moriarty
He’s fine, Albert. It’s just like Fred says — he’s just distracted by Cigarette Guy.
William, is he pretty?
Sebastian Moran
Oh, Louis is on to something. Come on, William, what’s Cigarette Guy look like?
Fred Porlock
Do tellk
James Bonde
I’m going to strangle Fred before William answers the question
Fred Porlock
You can ceteyainly try
James Bonde
Open up I’m at your gate
i hate all of you
(Day 2 — 6:53 pm)
The Moriarty Clan
HES SMOKING AGAIN DO YOU THINK HE LIT IT WITH THE IRON AGAIN????
Sebastian Moran
What, are you stalking him???
I told you he lives in the dorm building next to mine. His window is opposite mine. I can’t NOT notice the pure crackheadedness happening outside my window
Fred Porlock
Yoi are aware that crackheaddednwss is not a word, hes?
James Bonde
Fred. For the love of god. PLEASE.
Fred Porlock
No
Louis James Moriarty
If it bothers you so much, just get a lighter and throw it across the alley and into his dorm room.
Maybe engrave your number on it so he can text you to say thanks and you’ll finally have Cute Cigarette Guy’s number and you’ll stop bothering us.
It’s like you guys hate me.
Louis James Moriarty
I’m 100% serious. If the iron thing bothers you, just get him a lighter and then you won’t be bothered anymore.
I’m not buying some random stranger moron a lighter, Louis.
Albert James Moriarty (work)
Then stop obsessing over how he’s lighting his cigarettes.
oh my god he plugged the iron in
James Bonde
May Cupid guide our dear William to a convenience store to get Cigarette Guy a lighter
Sebastian Moran
Amen
Louis James Moriarty
Amen
Albert James Moriarty (work)
Amen
Fred Porlock
Amnnen
James Bonde
ITS FOUR LETTERS FRED JESUS CHRIST
IM COMING OVER GET THE BOXING GLOVES OUT
oh nevermind he’s just ironing his clothes on his study desk for some reason
Louis James Moriarty
You know what you should do?
if you say buy him an ironing board, I will make the 14 hour drive to hit you
Louis James Moriarty
I was gonna say close the curtains but you can buy Cigarette Guy whatever you want
…
I’m going to bed
James Bonde
It’s 7pm???
And?
James Bonde
nvm
Good night
Chapter 2: Sherlock’s Phone
Chapter Text
(Day 2 — 6:11 pm)
What, Son?
JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
HELP
EMERGENCY
HELPPPPP
whag?
Is soemthing on fire?
Did someone die?
Do I need to call the polikce?
Or is this more of a help me hide the body situation?
I am begging you to turn autocorrect on for both of our sakes
Anyway
MY NEIGHBOUR KEEPS WATCHING ME
Tell him to sotp???
Or move????
Kinda creepy
No he’s pretty
Oh I see
This is a gay panic emergency
Shut up
I need your help
How’d you get Mary to date you?
Well for starters I didn’t stare at her through her bedrooomm wndiow
For someone who’s published a book, you’re amazingly bad at typing
Do yoh want my help or not
Sorry
Should I go visit him? I can figure out his room number based on where his window is
Or should I write a note and tape it to my window
I think he saw me light my cigratte with the iron earlier do you think he thinks I’m an idiot
First of all you ARE an idiot
Secind of akk why dod you ligthr your cighartette with the iron???
Science
Nevemrind
Well at least now I jnwk why he was watching you
He probabky can’t understand what you were doing wih the iron
How pretyy is he anyway
Very
Prettiier than your brohh the er’s boyfriend?
Mycroft’s boyfriend looks like a devil
And I don’t mean the kinky type
I mean the evil type with the gates to hell in his ugly green eyes
My neighbour looks like he’s hiding wings and a halo
Wow
You’ve got it bad
Do yoh even know his name
Nope
You’re hoplesss
You had orinentation today, didn’t you?
Was he in any of your classses? Maybe you can be a normal human for once in your lige and just talk to another person normallky
I didn’t see him (╥﹏╥)
Pity
Maybe I could stalk him and then stage an accident where I bump into him
For the love of god sherlockk do bot do thag
Thats callled harrassentn
Harassment is actually you refusing to turn autocorrect on and then still texting people.
Just use voice to text if you’re going to keep hitting send before you check your spelling
Or hire your editor to proof read your texts
I hate you
Deal with your pretty neighbour by yourself
Oh so the careful typing comes out when you’re mad huh?
Don’t go I need help
How do I get his number?
John
John don’t leave me on read
Asshole
(Read at 6:28 pm)
(Day 2 — 6:53 pm)
What, Son?
John come back
I’ll be nice I promise
Johnnnnnn I can see him texting someone I wanna text him too
If you don’t help me I’ll call my brother and tell him to shoot you in the face with his slingshot
See how Mary likes you when you’re covered in slime
JOHN COME BACK
I’ll do impulsive things if you don’t get back here right now
Fine I’m going to go iron some of my shirts
On my desk
I’ll send you photos
(Day 2 — 7:07 pm)
What, Son?
SHERLOCK?????
I WAS IN A CLASS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
Who has classes at six??
I TUTOR HIGH SCHOOLLERS
AFTER THEIR EXTRACARRULICULARS
YOU KNOW I NEED THE COMMUNIT SERVICE POINTS
And it was 6:30 get your facts right before you attack me
Hm. Well the desk is fine
yeah and what about the heirt
the shirt has been disposed of
You need to be permannently monitored
YOU WERE IGNORING ME
I WAS TEACHING SOME 16 YEAR OLDS HOW TO DO CIRCKLE GEOOMETRY
you never taught me how to do circle geometry
?????
Sherlock
Did you forget that it took me four years of our schooling careeer to tecah you BASIC ALGEBRA
You only passeed your finals becaushe you cheated off the peopele sitiing next to you
Cirvle geometry with you is OUT OF THE QUESTION
Oh right
Anyway he saw me ironing my clothes on my desk do you think he thinks I’m stupid
I think he thinks you need to be instittutionalised
Cant say id disagree with him
Oh so still an asshole then?
Still a moron who gay panicked so hard he set thhbgds on fire then?
Low blow, Watson
Mary wants to know if you want her to send you some shirts
She got sad about her psychology quiz grades and went on a shopping spree
She bought them for Lestrade but he says they’re too floral for his liking
Florals
Absolutely not
They make me dizzy
Mary says you look fetcging in them
“Maybe prettyy neighbour will ask you for your number if he sees you in one of them” — Mary
I bet Mary spells better than that
🖕
Chapter 3: William’s Phone
Chapter Text
(Day 3 — 7:29 am)
The Moriarty Clan
The professor is late I hate it here
James Bonde
It’s not even 7:30 yet????
Are you here? No. I thought so. Shut up.
James Bonde
IM IN A DIFFERENT CITY NOT A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE
Sebastian Moran
Leave him alone Bonde, he’s probably begging for a distraction from Cigarette Guy. Let’s leave him to stew in his obsession.
I AM NOT OBSESSED I JUST DONT KNOW WHO WOULD USE AN IRON LIKE THAT
Fred Porlock
I duggest you ger hid number a d ask him youtrself
James Bonde
Jesus fucking Christ fred
THIS MORNING
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING
Louis James Moriarty
No but you’re going to tell us anyway aren’t you
THIS MORNING HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS IRONING HIS PENS
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was not doing that
IT SURE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
Pay attention to your class, Will. Some of us have to go to work and can’t listen to you whine about Cigarette Guy
Fred Porlock
Pit your ohone on mute, then
James Bonde
I am going to end your bloodline, Fred
Fred Porlock
Jikes on you, desrx Janes, I an already gayh
James Bonde
[ben-affleck-smoking.png]
(Day 3 — 4:17 pm)
The Moriarty Clan
He’s in the fucking library
Sebastian Moran
Go say hi and leave us alone
I’m not fucking doing that what if he’s some kind of deranged former convict
Louis James Moriarty
Will, what the fuck
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
You two need your mouths washed out with soap
Louis James Moriarty
Like you weren’t screaming fuck at six this morning
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
DELETE THAT RIGHT NOW BEFORE JAMES SEES IT
James Bonde
Oh the tea is piping hot.
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
Louis, I’m going to put itching powder in your bedsheets
Louis James Moriarty
Ok but don’t wash mine with yours
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
SHUT
UP
James Bonde
No keep going
Why is this the first I’m hearing about Albert’s sex life
I think he saw me
Louis James Moriarty
Because at first I was just being a good little brother and respecting Albert’s privacy but he’s gone too fucking far now
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]
Louis James Moriarty
Can you even walk to my room after this morning
Sebastian Moran
Oh my god
[wheeze.jpg]
James Bonde
Little Louis totally snapped
I’m loving this
Louis tell us more
ARE YOU ALL IGNORING ME
James Bonde
Are YOU ignoring the fact that your brother apparently HOOKED UP with someone???
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
It is NOT a hookup!!!!!
Sebastian Moran
Oho?
Louis James Moriarty
Oh it’s not a hookup for sure. He’s whipped.
Possibly literally.
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]
[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]
[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]
[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]
Fred Porlock
Dear gid, wgat have I midsed
James Bonde
Get out
I hate all of you.
(Day 3 — 6:36 pm)
The Moriarty Clan
He’s still in the library
James Bonde
What are YOU doing in the library??? It’s like 6:30 don’t you have a strict bedtime, old man?
Sebastian Moran
What library is open past 5??
The college library?????
Louis James Moriarty
It’s official. Cigarette Guy broke my brother. I’ve never seen him use extra punctuation before Cigarette Guy
James Bonde
You mean Cigarette Guy taught your brother proper texting etiquette. At least now we know what his tone is.
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
I go on a date and come back to find out that you’re STILL at the library, ogling Cigarette Guy? Honestly, Will.
I am not OGLING him
I’m OBSERVING
There’s a difference
Sebastian Moran
Potayto potahto doesn’t matter
James Bonde
Did you just spell out the phrase potato, potato
Sebastian Moran
How else am I supposed to imply that I’m using the phrase instead of just repeating the word potato???????
Do you think he studies hard or do you think he’s researching unconventional ways to use his iron?
Louis James Moriarty
Why do you even care
Ask him out already
I WILL NOT
James Bonde
Then stop staring at him every chance you get.
Fred Porlock
I agree wigh Haned
James Bonde
Who the fuck is Haned
Fred Porlock
Janned
Hamned
Nsnhed
Sebastian Moran
[wheeze.jpg]
NSNHED
FRED BUDDY HOW
Fred Porlock
James
James Bonde
…
I bet he’s reading up on ways to light his cigarette with a light fixture
Sebastian Moran
Buddy you need serious help.
Louis James Moriarty
Yeah like divine intervention
I’m going to bed I hate all of you
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
In the library???????
🖕
James Bonde
IS THAT AN ACTUAL HONEST TO GOD EMOJI
Louis James Moriarty
IT IS OH MY GOD
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Chapter 4: Sherlock’s Phone
Chapter Text
(Day 3 — 6:45 pm)
What, Son?
H
E
L
P
WHAT
IS THIS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY OR A MENTAL EMERGENCY OR A GAY EMERGENCY
IVE BEEN IN THE LIBRARY FOR OVER TWO HOURS AND HES BEEN PERIODICALLY LOOKING MY WAY WHAT DO I DO
…
GO SAY HELLO
No I’m shy what if he really did see me in my dorm and thinks I’m an idiot and walks away
Ok first of all yiu ARE an idioot
Second of all if he walks awaay bc he thinks you’re an idiot ghen he doesnt deserve you anywhay
A good boufriend will accept you for all your idiocy and dumbasssery
…
You just wanted to call me an idiot, didn’t you?
Well.
It wasnt uncalled for.
(7:03 pm)
Sherlock did you leave me on read
Sherlock
Sherlock
SHERLLOCK
fine deal iwuth your stupif crush by yourselkf
(Day 3 — 7:25 pm)
Miscreant
Dearest brother of mine
Sweet wholesome brother
Most wonderful big brother in the world
Light of my life
The greatest father figure
My beloved brother
Mycroft you dickhead I can see you reading these ANSWER ME
What the fuck do you want Sherly
It’s bedtime
You go to bed at 7:30?????
It’s YOUR bedtime
What do you want
How’d you get your ugly boyfriend to go on a date with your stupid-looking ass
…
Why do you want to know
Well you must’ve done something right if he’s your boyfriend now
What was it
Wait
Back up
Go back
You’re asking ME
For dating advice
?????
John’s being mean right now
Ah
Well. Uh. You could start with hello?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I HAVENT SAID HELLO YET
Well have you?
Shut up
Okay, so start with a hello
I can’t do that I have to do something grand to prove I’m not an utter imbecile
Why
What did you do
…
I lit my cigarette with the iron because I wanted to see if I could and I think he saw me
And then I ironed my shirt on the desk because John was ignoring me and I think he saw me do that too
Sorry can’t help you
You’re a lost cause now
NO I WANT HIS NUMBER BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET IT HELP ME
Are you gonna tell me about him or do I just have to assume you’re crushing hard on some fellow idiot?
I will hit you
He’s very pretty
He looks like an angel
I’m pretty sure choirs sing when he opens his mouth
You’re so whipped
I am not
I can just appreciate a little beauty
Also he’s got the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m not even mad that he keeps staring at me.
He dresses like he shops at high end stores. Probably all brand names. But he doesn’t look like a dick he just looks good.
He’d probably rescue kittens from trees for little old ladies and lets them pat his head to say good job
Ohhhh you got it BAD, kid
Shut up
Does he have a name?
Sherly?
You there, kid?
Oh my god
[laughing-leo.png]
You don’t know his name do you?
I don’t know why I asked you for help
Oh my god
I’m so sorry
It’s not funny I’m sorry
[wheeze.jpg]
You’re simping for a STRANGER
Who else would I be simping for??????
I don’t know a classmate?????
Someone in your dorm building????
I figured it was someone you knew if he saw you doing stupid things in your dorm room
Mycroft the buildings are built stupidly my window is across his window we live in separate dorm buildings and he’s not in any of my classes this is a travesty I’m going to CRY
Say, have you ever watched the music video for You Belong With me
…
Nevermind I’ll wait for John to start behaving again
(Day 4 — 8:07 am)
Baker Street Gossip Column
Everyone, John’s being mean to me when can we cancel him
The Hudson River
I should have never taught you internet lingo
You’re a goddamn menace
What, Son?
I SAID I WAS SOORRY SHELROCK
Blondie #2
Haha Shelrock
Blondie #1
James, you misspelled your OWN name yesterday
Blondie #2
Shut up, Mary, you still can’t spell receive without autocorrect
Blondie #1
Admin, kick James
He doesn’t even live on Baker Street
George of the Jungle
Yeah but he’s dating Lizzie so
The Hudson River
If he keeps bickering with Mary I might just kick him off myself
Blondie #2
@Blondie #1 neither do you?????
Blondie #1
I’m moving in next week?????
You guys are all being mean to me
I’m going to tell my brother about you
George of the Jungle
If Mycroft hits me with one more paintball, I will drive fourteen hours to hit you with your own broom
Jokes on you, Mr Lestrade, I don’t own a broom
The Hudson River
SHERLOCK?????
WHAT ARE YOU SWEEPING THE PLACE WITH THEN?????
I vacuum????
Blondie #2
Look what you did Sherlock
[IMG.png]
She’s sobbing on the carpet all because of you
What, son?
It’s fine, we’ll help her mail Sherlock a broom
Does anyone else hear an annoying buzzing?
What, son?
SHERLOCK
I SAID I WAS SORRY
Blondie #1
What did you do anyway?
What, son?
He was whining about this new crushh of hid and I tolf him if he wnags to attrafct the guy then he shoulf probabnlh brush his heair
George of the Jungle
SNNFJDS NO YOU DIDNT PFFT
Say it to my face, coward
That’s right you CANT
What, son?
Yeah duh youree a gourteen hour frive away
Blondie #2
John buddy I’m going to throw you out of a moving car on a busy highway if you don’t turn your autocorrect on
Blondie #1
James if I find out my boyfriend died on a busy highway I swear I will make Eliza a widow
The Hudson River
We’re not married, though????
Oh, done crying, Lizzie?
The Hudson River
You don’t have any rights to speak until you get yourself a broom
I knew I should’ve complained about John to Mycroft.
At least he LISTENS to me
George of the Jungle
Ok sorry our bad
So, tell us about this crush of yours
No I don’t think I will
What, son?
That’s because he dorsnt know anygtung about him
Blondie #2
JOHNATHAN PLEASE
What, son?
THATS NOT MY NAMME??????
Blondie #1
You don’t know anything about him?? Does that include a name?
Mary, sweetheart, if I knew his name we would not be having this conversation.
The Hudson River
Well, what DO you know about him?
What, son?
Sherlock I can see you recordong a voicre note dont you dsre
George of the Jungle
He’s been recording for a while
[voice note: 11 minutes]
Blondie #1
Jesus Christ
The Hudson River
James is crying on the floor bc he laughed too hard. Sherlock why did you say your crush has eyes like a blood moon what does that even mean
I hate all of you.
Chapter 5: Bonde’s Phone
Chapter Text
(Day 4 — 10:46 am)
The Drawing Board
You added Little Louis
You added Bertie
You added Moron
You added Fucker (affectionate)
You added Johnny
You added Blondie
You added Baby 💖🌸✨
You added Georgie
@Bertie add ur hookup please
Moron
What is this
Bertie
First of all DONT CALL HIM THAT??????
Second of all no he isn’t fond of group chats
It’s for a good cause I promise
Little Louis
But I don’t like Albert’s hookup
Bertie
He is NOT a hookup!!!!
We have been DATING for TWO AND A HALF YEARS
Little Louis
I know
BELIEVE ME. I KNOW.
Just add him, Al, he’ll want to be here when he finds out what’s happening
Bertie
Fine but you can’t call him my hookup anymore.
He’s my BOYFRIEND.
Bertie added 07123 123456
Hold on wait I have to save his number I don’t like numbers in my chats
Can I call him your loverboy
Baby 💖🌸✨
Wait a damn minute
Hush, sweetheart, you’re gonna spoil my surprise
Bertie
I regret adding him already
Georgie
James can you please explain why I have to be in a group chat with two of the Moriarty brothers?
They’re annoying
Bertie
YOU TOLD OUR TEACHER I PUT GUM ON HER CHAIR WHEN YOU AND I WERE IN FIFTH GRADE YOU ARE THE WORST
kids, no fighting we are gathered here today for a very important cause
Y’all are never gonna guess what I found out this morning
Baby 💖🌸✨
Does it have anything to do with the way you were wheezing on the floor before I left for work
So, uh, y’know how Sherlock and Liam are both off to college this year and they’re both staying on college res?
Moron
You’re fucking kidding
NOPE
Fucker (affectionate)
There is no way. I’m not buying it. You’re lying. Impossible.
Did
Did you just use two hands, Freddie?
Fucker (affectionate)
YOURE LYING
Blondie
Wait. Wait hold on. You’re not saying what I think you’re saying, are you?
Georgie
[unsettled-tom.png]
Wait it gets better
Loverboy, why don’t you share your name with the class. Some of you should have his number saved, I believe.
Bertie
You sneaky bitch
Georgie
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE
Johnny
OF ALL THE PEOPLE, IT HAD TO BE ALBERT MORIRARTY??????
MYCROFT, WHY
Moron
MYCROFT???????
As in Sherlock’s BROTHER?????
Bertie’s loverboy
@Bertie did you not tell them
Bertie
Did YOU not tell your brother’s best friend???
Bertie’s loverboy
I thought I was being very obvious
Little Louis
I’m going to cry
I can tolerate half a Holmes on a good day
I cannot handle both of them
Albert it’s time to move out. I’ll leave your things in the yard.
Hehe
Baby 💖🌸✨
How long have you known
About Albert and his loverboy or Sherlock and William?
Fucker (affectionate)
Both
Come clean right now
Since you so kindly have begun to use both hands to type, I will comply
Like 8:30-ish this morning
I mean I knew Albert was hooking up with someone since like yesterday but that’s just because Louis didn’t tell anyone that his brother had a BOYFRIEND and obviously Mycroft didn’t think having one was worth mentioning to the Baker Street guys
Johnny
Actually I think hserlock knew who mycroft was datying
He kept saying mycrofts boyfriend lookked like he has the gates to hell in his “ugly green eyes”
Baby 💖🌸✨
AND YOU DECIDED TO KEEP THAT INFORMATION TO YOURSELF????
Bertie
UGLY????
Johnny
Yeah he shays you loook like a dveuil
Johnathan I am going to kick you out of this group and ban everyone from telling you all the piping tea we share if you don’t turn ur autocorrect on
Johnny
JAMWS THAT IS NOT MY NAME
Moron
Wait what is the purpose of this? Just to gossip? Why is it called the drawing board?
Hehe
Little Louis
Oh ew I can almost HEAR your little gremlin laugh
Bertie’s loverboy
I am NOT playing matchmaker for my little brother
COME ONNNNNNN
it’ll be so much fun
We can totally gaslight them into believing that we know nothing
Fucker (affectionate)
It himrstly would not be hard. All Will ever talks bout is Cigareette Ghuy
Johnny
Oh, so he DID see sheelock loght the cigartte with the irok, then?
Did he alos see shekroil iroking his shirt on his deskj
Bertie
He did and he was in pain about it for a while
We think he likes Cigarette Guy
Sherlock
I was gonna change Sherlock’s name to Willy Wonka’s loverboy to keep in theme but I think it’s funnier if I change it to Cigarette Guy
Little Louis
Ew
Blondie
I second that.
Ew.
Little Louis
Don’t call my brother ew!!!
Blondie
Make me, twig
Bertie
Wait you have William saved as Willy Wonka????
Yeah it’s funny
Bertie’s loverboy
YOU SAVED ME AS ALBERTS LOVERBOY?????
No.
[screenshot.png]
Bertie’s loverboy
Who the fuck is bertie
Bertie
[ben-affleck-smoking.png]
Me
Moron
[wheeze.jpg]
I love this chat
(Day 4 — 2:18 pm)
The Moriarty Clan
Willy Wonka
You fools are suspiciously quiet today
Sorry if some of us actually go to our classes instead of staring at Cigarette Guys
Willy Wonka
Nevermind I liked it better when this chat was dead
Moron
What, no Cigarette Guy update today?
Fucker (affectionate)
Yes, we are wuite invested in the story nkiw
Fred
P L E A S E
Fucker (affectionate)
No
Willy Wonka
Well stop being invested
I don’t know how he’s doing
His curtains are closed today
Little Louis
You CHECKED up on him???
Willy Wonka
N O
I happened to look out my window and found it odd that I was staring at curtains instead of whatever whack job shit he might be up to in there
Bertie
You absolutely checked up on him
Moron
Does he at least sound alive?
Willy Wonka
I hate all of you
(Day 4 — 2:57 pm)
The Drawing Board
Hey, Baker Street guys
Does anyone know why Sherlock had his curtains drawn all of today?
Johnny
Hes upset that he left the library and “angel eyes” didnt followr him out
Moron
There is no way you’re being serious right now
Is THAT why Will saw only the curtains this morning???
Baby 💖🌸✨
William CHECKED UP on Sherlock????
Little Louis
That’s what I said!!
Bertie’s loverboy
@Johnny how do YOU know
Johnny
He was textying me about it this morning
It all led to this chat somehow
I’m so proud of you for only making one spelling error.
Johnny
🖕
Fucker (affectionate)
🖕
(Solidarity)
I’ll kick you both out.
(Day 4 — 3:16 pm)
Baker Street Gossip Column
Cigarette Guy
Why is everyone so quiet today
How are things going with that crush of yours
Cigarette Guy
Bad
I haven’t seen him ALL DAY
Johnny
Did you perhaps open your curtains once?
Blondie
Sherlock??
Where did you go??
Baby 💖🌸✨
Bets on whether he’s gone to open the curtains or not?
Georgie
I’ll take that bet.
Cigarette Guy
WNBDBFJFNDNS
GUYS HELP
Baby 💖🌸✨
Like in a “I’m having a gay panic” way or in a “I set my dorm on fire” way?
Cigarette Guy
RHBFBDBSBD HE FELL ASLEEP AT HIS DESK IM
IM GONNA SOB
HES SO PRETTY
HE LOOKS SO SOFT AND SQUISHY
I WANNA KITH HIS CHEEKS
Blondie
Creep
Cigarette Guy
Didn’t you spend half your math final watching John sleep through three-quarters of the paper
Blondie
I’m his girlfriend. I’m allowed to stare at John.
Cigarette Guy
Ok but seriously
Help
He’s so cute
Why is his window closed
I wanna write my number on a paper jet and throw it into his dorm
Georgie
Sherlock your paper planes never fly it will just land in the alley
Cigarette Guy
I am HAVING
A MOMENT
SHUT UP
I can’t believe you don’t even know who you’re being such a massive simp for.
Cigarette Guy
I’m muting all of you
I’m going to sit at my desk and stare at the pretty boy
(Day 4 — 4:34 pm)
The Drawing Board
[screenshot.png]
Team Will, look at this simp
Moron
Aww that’s actually kinda cute
Little Louis
Ew
Blondie
That’s what I said
He hasn’t replied to us in a few minutes. I think he fell asleep watching William
Fucker (affectionate)
I woylfd be mildly convernsd for wills safety if I didnt know Sgherlock
Bertie
You don’t know Sherlock???
Fucker (affectionate)
Says yoi
Fred?????
When did you meet Sherlock??
Fucker (affectionate)
Shsnt tell you
Fine, keep your secrets
Well, this has been fun but I have an assignment to complete
Keep me posted if anything fun happens
Chapter Text
William’s Phone
(Day 5 — 3:09 am)
The Moriarty Clan
I may have impulsively bought something
(3:17 am)
Why are you all sleeping today I need someone to calm my nerves
(3:24 am)
WAKE UP
(3:37 am)
You guys are horrible
(3:41 am)
If you never hear from me again it’s because I went underground and decided to become a social hermit
(3:56 am)
i hate u all
(5:18 am)
I’m going to do an impulsive thing, I fear
(5:43 am)
Might do it in the library hmmmm
(6:07 am)
I may have done an impulse thing
(6:16 am)
WHY ARE NONE OF YOU AWAKE DO NONE OF YOU GET UP ON TIME FOR COLLEGE AND WORK?????
(6:39 am)
You all suck
(6:54 am)
I’m going to make a friend later today probably
(8:47 am)
Ok I forgive you guys you’re all invited to my wedding
(Day 5 — 6:52 am)
Unknown Number
I appreciate the gift, but I must confess that I already have my sights set on someone.
If you don’t mind, can we meet at the library to return the gift? I already have a lighter. Several, actually.
I’m so sorry.
[Contact saved: Cigarette Guy]
Listen up, you pathetic excuse of a human being
I have not slept since 3am this morning because of YOU
So no, I will not be meeting up with you for you to return the lighter. You keep that thing and from now on, you use THAT to light your cigarettes.
If I have to see you light your cigarette with an IRON again, I will throw a brick through your window instead of dropping a lighter in your bag.
Are we clear?
Iron…….
Wait
HOLD ON
WAIT A MINUTE
WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE???
A person???
What kind of a question is that
SEND ME A PHOTO
PLEASE
IM GROVELLING ON THE FLOOR HERE
Why
You already stare at me every day
AJVDBRBFJBDNANSBD
YOU
HUH
You’re lucky you’re pretty because you are actually kind of stupid
Like a himbo
Except you’re small
WAIT
PAUSE
PAUSE
HOLD ON
I NEED A MOMENT
GIVE ME A SECOND IM LOSING MY MIND
I can’t tell if things are going in a good direction or not
/pos
Oh
Okay
I have a class in a minute, but I’m free after 8:30
Okay.
All right.
Uh, where will you be?
Library
I trust you know where I sit
Stalker
IM NOT A STALKER I PROMISE
/t
Oh
Oh okay
Uh
Enjoy your class
Thanks
You … too??
(Day 5 — 9:03 am)
The Moriarty Clan
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
WEDDING????????
James Bonde
WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT
🥰
Sebastian Moran
WILLIAM WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m not telling because none of you were awake when I was going through a crisis
Louis James Moriarty
IT WAS THREE IN THE MORNING, WILLIAM
Tough
Get over it
Fred Porlock
Sho are you and what habe you done wkth william
William is currently occupied, so you rotten lumps of bad friends can stew in your bafflement until tonight
Albert James Moriarty (Work)
TONIGHT?????
YOUR MORNING CLASSES END AT 8:30 AND YOURE FREE UNTIL 4 AND THOSE CLASSES END AT 5:30 WHAT DO YOU MEAN TONIGHT????
I am busy having lunch and then I will be busy in the library and then I will be busy having dinner and then I will be busy reading a book. You can wait until after all of that.
Goodbye.
Mycroft’s Phone
(Day 5 — 9:04 am)
The Drawing Board
Albert’s angry friend
[screenshot.png]
HELLO????
WHAT DOES HE MEAN WEDDING?!?!?!
Lestrade
SEBASTIAN MORAN IS THAT REAL
Albert’s short friend
He jusgt send that to us at like and then got dreal mean aboiut how we were all tooo aslepe to stop him from doing an imoulsive thinhg
Mary
Sherlock’s not answering my messages and he’s not picking up John’s calls either. Do you think they’re on a date???
Albert’s chibi brother
No way. Will was adamant that he didn’t like Sherlock at all. He was convinced that the only reason he kept staring was because he wanted to see how long Sherlock would survive.
Albert 💍
Yeah, but he did say he was going to do something impulsive.
Albert’s blond friend
He also said it would be in the library. I’m willing to bet that he stole a book or something. Maybe he wrote his name on the desk in pencil. It’s Will.
(Day 5 — 6:54 am)
Stupid
MYCROFTTTT
MYCROFT WAKE UP
IT’S IMPORTANT
[screenshot.png]
HE SAID HE’S FREE AFTER 8:30 IS HE ASKING ME OUT
You suck
(8:32 am)
MYCROFT HE’S IN THE LIBRARY HES SO PRETTY IM GONNA DIE OH MY GOD
Do u think he’s been waiting long
Bastard the least you could do is wake up and wish me luck
Im gonna ignore every call from everyone who ignored me
(8:17 am)
Nevermind you’re invited to my wedding it will be a grand affair and i’ll even let you bring your demon boyfriend.
(9:05 am)
FUCKER DON’T LEAVE ME ON READ
(Day 5 — 9:04 am)
The Drawing Board
[screenshot.png]
I too have been invited to a wedding
Ms Hudson
[coincidence-i-think-not.gif]
Albert’s blond friend
So much for playing matchmaker :((((
Notes:
thank u everyone for entertaining this crack thought I had at 1am one random day and then spent months with in my drafts bc I didn’t have a funny enough title ily all very much I hope you giggled a lil bit ok bye ❤️
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