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Romeo, Romeo, wherefore the fuck art thou like this?

Summary:

Sherlock lights his cigarette with an iron one day. William happens to see it.

Something ensues.

Notes:

Me posting for like 3 fandoms in one week: PARKOUR

Chapter 1: William’s Phone

Chapter Text

(Day 1 — 9:57 pm)

Albert James Moriarty (Work)


How are the dorms?

Are you all settled in?

Do I need to send you food?

Do I need to send you Louis?

Did you pack your lucky socks? 

Are the dorms clean?

Is the bathroom clean?

Did you make sure your door locks properly?

Is it cold?

Should I send you blankets?

 

One more message from you and I will change my number I mean it

 

Well, forgive me for worrying about you

 

I assure you, I can take care of myself in a dorm room, Albert. It’s not like I can’t cook and anyway. 2 minute noodles are a thing. I’m fine.

 

I’m sending you food

And Louis

DON'T LEAVE ME ON READ, WILLIAM


(Day 1 — 10:03 pm)

Louis James Moriarty

 

Ignore everything Albert says

 

Okay but why

 

Because I’m your big brother and I said so

 

Why does Albert want me to drive fourteen hours to give you food

It’s ten pm William

What did you say to him 

 

I may have implied that I’ll eat 2 minute noodles if I don’t have proper food

Tell him I have proper food!!!!

 

Fine I’ll stop him

But you owe me

 

Thanks

Now go to bed 

It’s late

 

YOURE ONE TO TALK?????

DONT YOU HAVE ORIENTATION TOMORROW AT 7????

 

Go to bed and I won’t tell Albert that you’re the one that threw a baseball through his bedroom window

Even though you don’t even play and probably stole the ball from a random kid

 

I hope your lecturers are nasty. Good night.


(Day 2 — 11:48 am)

The Moriarty Clan

 

BCBJRJSJENDJJSS GOOD MORNING EVERYONE 

YOURE NEVER GONNA GUESS WHAT I JUST SAW

 

Albert James Moriarty (work)

Is that

 

Louis James Moriarty

That is

 

James Bonde

William is that a fucking KEYSMASH?

 

Sebastian Moran

So we all agree that that’s not William anymore, right?

 

SO YOU KNOW HOW THE DORM BUILDINGS ARE REALLY CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER

I CAN SEE INTO THE ROOM ACROSS MINE BECAUSE THE WINDOWS FACE ONE ANOTHER

AND THIS UTTER IMBECILE

JUST LIT HIS CIGARETTE WITH A CLOTHES IRON

 

Fred Porlock

Gooodf or him.

 

James Bonde

Freddie I am BEGGING you to use both hands when you type

 

Fred Porlock

No

 

AJNDHDJSNSJSS HES JUST CASUALLY SMOKING IT LIKE HE DIDNT LIGHT IT WITH AN IRON?????

 

Albert James Moriarty (work)

I have never in all the years I’ve existed seen William use a keysmash not once but twice 

 

Sebastian Moran

I have never seen him use a keysmash period

 

Fred Porlock

i thjink its onvbious thta he’s merelly distrfated by the cihgarettte guy. 

 

James Bonde

Fred. Buddy. I’m on my knees groveling on the floor. Use both hands to type. PLEASE. 

 

Fred Porlock

No

 

would it kill you assholes to actually pay attention to me

this is why i didnt even want this groupchat

 

Albert James Moriarty (work)

William what happened to your punctuation

Are you okay

Do you need Louis

 

STOP TRYING TO SEND LOUIS HERE

 

Louis James Moriarty

He’s fine, Albert. It’s just like Fred says — he’s just distracted by Cigarette Guy.

William, is he pretty? 

 

Sebastian Moran

Oh, Louis is on to something. Come on, William, what’s Cigarette Guy look like?

 

Fred Porlock

Do tellk 

 

James Bonde

I’m going to strangle Fred before William answers the question

 

Fred Porlock

You can ceteyainly try

 

James Bonde

Open up I’m at your gate

 

i hate all of you


(Day 2 — 6:53 pm)

The Moriarty Clan

 

HES SMOKING AGAIN DO YOU THINK HE LIT IT WITH THE IRON AGAIN????

 

Sebastian Moran

What, are you stalking him???

 

I told you he lives in the dorm building next to mine. His window is opposite mine. I can’t NOT notice the pure crackheadedness happening outside my window

 

Fred Porlock

Yoi are aware that crackheaddednwss is not a word, hes?

 

James Bonde

Fred. For the love of god. PLEASE. 

 

Fred Porlock

No

 

Louis James Moriarty

If it bothers you so much, just get a lighter and throw it across the alley and into his dorm room. 

Maybe engrave your number on it so he can text you to say thanks and you’ll finally have Cute Cigarette Guy’s number and you’ll stop bothering us.

 

It’s like you guys hate me.

 

Louis James Moriarty

I’m 100% serious. If the iron thing bothers you, just get him a lighter and then you won’t be bothered anymore. 

 

I’m not buying some random stranger moron a lighter, Louis.

 

Albert James Moriarty (work)

Then stop obsessing over how he’s lighting his cigarettes. 

 

oh my god he plugged the iron in

 

James Bonde

May Cupid guide our dear William to a convenience store to get Cigarette Guy a lighter 

 

Sebastian Moran

Amen

 

Louis James Moriarty

Amen

 

Albert James Moriarty (work)

Amen

 

Fred Porlock

Amnnen 

 

James Bonde

ITS FOUR LETTERS FRED JESUS CHRIST

IM COMING OVER GET THE BOXING GLOVES OUT

 

oh nevermind he’s just ironing his clothes on his study desk for some reason

 

Louis James Moriarty

You know what you should do?

 

if you say buy him an ironing board, I will make the 14 hour drive to hit you 

 

Louis James Moriarty

I was gonna say close the curtains but you can buy Cigarette Guy whatever you want 

 

I’m going to bed

 

James Bonde

It’s 7pm???

 

And?

 

James Bonde

nvm

Good night

Chapter 2: Sherlock’s Phone

Chapter Text

(Day 2 — 6:11 pm)

What, Son?

 

JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

HELP

EMERGENCY

HELPPPPP

 

whag?

Is soemthing on fire?

Did someone die?

Do I need to call the polikce?

Or is this more of a help me hide the body situation?

 

I am begging you to turn autocorrect on for both of our sakes

Anyway

MY NEIGHBOUR KEEPS WATCHING ME

 

Tell him to sotp???

Or move????

Kinda creepy

 

No he’s pretty

 

Oh I see

This is a gay panic emergency 

 

Shut up

I need your help

How’d you get Mary to date you?

 

Well for starters I didn’t stare at her through her bedrooomm wndiow

 

For someone who’s published a book, you’re amazingly bad at typing

 

Do yoh want my help or not

 

Sorry

Should I go visit him? I can figure out his room number based on where his window is

Or should I write a note and tape it to my window

I think he saw me light my cigratte with the iron earlier do you think he thinks I’m an idiot

 

First of all you ARE an idiot

Secind of akk why dod you ligthr your cighartette with the iron???

 

Science

 

Nevemrind

Well at least now I jnwk why he was watching you

He probabky can’t understand what you were doing wih the iron

How pretyy is he anyway

 

Very

 

Prettiier than your brohh the er’s boyfriend?

 

Mycroft’s boyfriend looks like a devil

And I don’t mean the kinky type

I mean the evil type with the gates to hell in his ugly green eyes

My neighbour looks like he’s hiding wings and a halo

 

Wow

You’ve got it bad

Do yoh even know his name

 

Nope

 

You’re hoplesss

You had orinentation today, didn’t you? 

Was he in any of your classses? Maybe you can be a normal human for once in your lige and just talk to another person normallky 

 

I didn’t see him (╥﹏╥)

 

Pity

 

Maybe I could stalk him and then stage an accident where I bump into him

 

For the love of god sherlockk do bot do thag

Thats callled harrassentn 

 

Harassment is actually you refusing to turn autocorrect on and then still texting people. 

Just use voice to text if you’re going to keep hitting send before you check your spelling

Or hire your editor to proof read your texts

 

I hate you

Deal with your pretty neighbour by yourself

 

Oh so the careful typing comes out when you’re mad huh?

Don’t go I need help

How do I get his number?

John

John don’t leave me on read

Asshole

(Read at 6:28 pm)

(Day 2 — 6:53 pm)

What, Son?

 

John come back

I’ll be nice I promise

Johnnnnnn I can see him texting someone I wanna text him too

If you don’t help me I’ll call my brother and tell him to shoot you in the face with his slingshot

See how Mary likes you when you’re covered in slime

JOHN COME BACK

I’ll do impulsive things if you don’t get back here right now

Fine I’m going to go iron some of my shirts

On my desk

I’ll send you photos

(Day 2 — 7:07 pm)

What, Son?

 

SHERLOCK????? 

I WAS IN A CLASS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

 

Who has classes at six??

 

I TUTOR HIGH SCHOOLLERS 

AFTER THEIR EXTRACARRULICULARS

YOU KNOW I NEED THE COMMUNIT SERVICE POINTS 

And it was 6:30 get your facts right before you attack me

 

Hm. Well the desk is fine

 

yeah and what about the heirt 

 

the shirt has been disposed of

 

You need to be permannently monitored 

 

YOU WERE IGNORING ME

 

I WAS TEACHING SOME 16 YEAR OLDS HOW TO DO CIRCKLE GEOOMETRY

 

you never taught me how to do circle geometry

 

?????

Sherlock

Did you forget that it took me four years of our schooling careeer to tecah you BASIC ALGEBRA

You only passeed your finals becaushe you cheated off the peopele sitiing next to you

Cirvle geometry with you is OUT OF THE QUESTION

 

Oh right

Anyway he saw me ironing my clothes on my desk do you think he thinks I’m stupid

 

I think he thinks you need to be instittutionalised

Cant say id disagree with him 

 

Oh so still an asshole then?

 

Still a moron who gay panicked so hard he set thhbgds on fire then?

 

Low blow, Watson

 

Mary wants to know if you want her to send you some shirts 

She got sad about her psychology quiz grades and went on a shopping spree 

She bought them for Lestrade but he says they’re too floral for his liking

 

Florals

Absolutely not

They make me dizzy

 

Mary says you look fetcging in them

“Maybe prettyy neighbour will ask you for your number if he sees you in one of them” — Mary

 

I bet Mary spells better than that

 

🖕

Chapter 3: William’s Phone

Chapter Text

(Day 3 — 7:29 am)

The Moriarty Clan

 

The professor is late I hate it here

 

James Bonde

It’s not even 7:30 yet????

 

Are you here? No. I thought so. Shut up.

 

James Bonde

IM IN A DIFFERENT CITY NOT A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE

 

Sebastian Moran

Leave him alone Bonde, he’s probably begging for a distraction from Cigarette Guy. Let’s leave him to stew in his obsession.

 

I AM NOT OBSESSED I JUST DONT KNOW WHO WOULD USE AN IRON LIKE THAT

 

Fred Porlock

I duggest you ger hid number a d ask him youtrself 

 

James Bonde

Jesus fucking Christ fred 

 

THIS MORNING

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING

 

Louis James Moriarty

No but you’re going to tell us anyway aren’t you

 

THIS MORNING HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS IRONING HIS PENS

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was not doing that

 

IT SURE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

Pay attention to your class, Will. Some of us have to go to work and can’t listen to you whine about Cigarette Guy

 

Fred Porlock

Pit your ohone on mute, then

 

James Bonde

I am going to end your bloodline, Fred

 

Fred Porlock

Jikes on you, desrx Janes, I an already gayh 

 

James Bonde

[ben-affleck-smoking.png]

(Day 3 — 4:17 pm)

The Moriarty Clan

 

He’s in the fucking library

 

Sebastian Moran

Go say hi and leave us alone

 

I’m not fucking doing that what if he’s some kind of deranged former convict

 

Louis James Moriarty

Will, what the fuck

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

You two need your mouths washed out with soap

 

Louis James Moriarty

Like you weren’t screaming fuck at six this morning

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

DELETE THAT RIGHT NOW BEFORE JAMES SEES IT

 

James Bonde

Oh the tea is piping hot.

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

Louis, I’m going to put itching powder in your bedsheets 

 

Louis James Moriarty

Ok but don’t wash mine with yours 

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

SHUT

UP

 

James Bonde

No keep going

Why is this the first I’m hearing about Albert’s sex life 

 

I think he saw me

 

Louis James Moriarty

Because at first I was just being a good little brother and respecting Albert’s privacy but he’s gone too fucking far now

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]

 

Louis James Moriarty

Can you even walk to my room after this morning 

 

Sebastian Moran

Oh my god

[wheeze.jpg]

 

James Bonde

Little Louis totally snapped

I’m loving this 

Louis tell us more

 

ARE YOU ALL IGNORING ME

 

James Bonde

Are YOU ignoring the fact that your brother apparently HOOKED UP with someone??? 

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

It is NOT a hookup!!!!!

 

Sebastian Moran

Oho?

 

Louis James Moriarty

Oh it’s not a hookup for sure. He’s whipped. 

Possibly literally. 

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]

[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]

[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]

[the-office-ill-kill-you.gif]

 

Fred Porlock

Dear gid, wgat have I midsed

 

James Bonde

Get out

 

I hate all of you.

(Day 3 — 6:36 pm)

The Moriarty Clan

 

He’s still in the library

 

James Bonde

What are YOU doing in the library??? It’s like 6:30 don’t you have a strict bedtime, old man?

 

Sebastian Moran

What library is open past 5??

 

The college library?????

 

Louis James Moriarty

It’s official. Cigarette Guy broke my brother. I’ve never seen him use extra punctuation before Cigarette Guy

 

James Bonde

You mean Cigarette Guy taught your brother proper texting etiquette. At least now we know what his tone is. 

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

I go on a date and come back to find out that you’re STILL at the library, ogling Cigarette Guy? Honestly, Will. 

 

I am not OGLING him

I’m OBSERVING

There’s a difference

 

Sebastian Moran

Potayto potahto doesn’t matter 

 

James Bonde

Did you just spell out the phrase potato, potato

 

Sebastian Moran

How else am I supposed to imply that I’m using the phrase instead of just repeating the word potato???????

 

Do you think he studies hard or do you think he’s researching unconventional ways to use his iron?

 

Louis James Moriarty

Why do you even care

Ask him out already

 

I WILL NOT

 

James Bonde

Then stop staring at him every chance you get. 

 

Fred Porlock

I agree wigh Haned

 

James Bonde

Who the fuck is Haned

 

Fred Porlock

Janned 

Hamned 

Nsnhed 

 

Sebastian Moran

[wheeze.jpg]

NSNHED

FRED BUDDY HOW

 

Fred Porlock

James

 

James Bonde

 

I bet he’s reading up on ways to light his cigarette with a light fixture

 

Sebastian Moran

Buddy you need serious help. 

 

Louis James Moriarty

Yeah like divine intervention

 

I’m going to bed I hate all of you

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

In the library???????

 

🖕

 

James Bonde

IS THAT AN ACTUAL HONEST TO GOD EMOJI

 

Louis James Moriarty

IT IS OH MY GOD

 

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

Chapter 4: Sherlock’s Phone

Chapter Text

(Day 3 — 6:45 pm)

What, Son?

 

H

E

L

P

 

WHAT

IS THIS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY OR A MENTAL EMERGENCY OR A GAY EMERGENCY

 

IVE BEEN IN THE LIBRARY FOR OVER TWO HOURS AND HES BEEN PERIODICALLY LOOKING MY WAY WHAT DO I DO

 

GO SAY HELLO

 

No I’m shy what if he really did see me in my dorm and thinks I’m an idiot and walks away

 

Ok first of all yiu ARE an idioot 

Second of all if he walks awaay bc he thinks you’re an idiot ghen he doesnt deserve you anywhay

A good boufriend will accept you for all your idiocy and dumbasssery

 

You just wanted to call me an idiot, didn’t you?

 

Well. 

It wasnt uncalled for.

 (7:03 pm)

Sherlock did you leave me on read 

Sherlock

Sherlock

SHERLLOCK

fine deal iwuth your stupif crush by yourselkf 

(Day 3 — 7:25 pm)

Miscreant

 

Dearest brother of mine

Sweet wholesome brother

Most wonderful big brother in the world

Light of my life

The greatest father figure

My beloved brother

Mycroft you dickhead I can see you reading these ANSWER ME

 

What the fuck do you want Sherly 

It’s bedtime

 

You go to bed at 7:30?????

 

It’s YOUR bedtime

What do you want

 

How’d you get your ugly boyfriend to go on a date with your stupid-looking ass

 

Why do you want to know

 

Well you must’ve done something right if he’s your boyfriend now

What was it

 

Wait

Back up

Go back

You’re asking ME

For dating advice

?????

 

John’s being mean right now 

 

Ah

Well. Uh. You could start with hello?

 

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I HAVENT SAID HELLO YET

 

Well have you?

 

Shut up

 

Okay, so start with a hello

 

I can’t do that I have to do something grand to prove I’m not an utter imbecile

 

Why

What did you do

 

I lit my cigarette with the iron because I wanted to see if I could and I think he saw me

And then I ironed my shirt on the desk because John was ignoring me and I think he saw me do that too

 

Sorry can’t help you 

You’re a lost cause now 

 

NO I WANT HIS NUMBER BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET IT HELP ME

 

Are you gonna tell me about him or do I just have to assume you’re crushing hard on some fellow idiot?

 

I will hit you

He’s very pretty

He looks like an angel

I’m pretty sure choirs sing when he opens his mouth

 

You’re so whipped

 

I am not

I can just appreciate a little beauty

Also he’s got the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m not even mad that he keeps staring at me. 

He dresses like he shops at high end stores. Probably all brand names. But he doesn’t look like a dick he just looks good.

He’d probably rescue kittens from trees for little old ladies and lets them pat his head to say good job

 

Ohhhh you got it BAD, kid

 

Shut up

 

Does he have a name?

Sherly?

You there, kid?

Oh my god 

[laughing-leo.png]

You don’t know his name do you?

 

I don’t know why I asked you for help

 

Oh my god

I’m so sorry

It’s not funny I’m sorry

[wheeze.jpg]

You’re simping for a STRANGER

 

Who else would I be simping for??????

 

I don’t know a classmate?????

Someone in your dorm building????

I figured it was someone you knew if he saw you doing stupid things in your dorm room

 

Mycroft the buildings are built stupidly my window is across his window we live in separate dorm buildings and he’s not in any of my classes this is a travesty I’m going to CRY

 

Say, have you ever watched the music video for You Belong With me

 

Nevermind I’ll wait for John to start behaving again

(Day 4 — 8:07 am)

Baker Street Gossip Column

 

Everyone, John’s being mean to me when can we cancel him

 

The Hudson River

I should have never taught you internet lingo

You’re a goddamn menace

 

What, Son?

I SAID I WAS SOORRY SHELROCK 

 

Blondie #2

Haha Shelrock 

 

Blondie #1

James, you misspelled your OWN name yesterday 

 

Blondie #2

Shut up, Mary, you still can’t spell receive without autocorrect 

 

Blondie #1

Admin, kick James 

He doesn’t even live on Baker Street 

 

George of the Jungle

Yeah but he’s dating Lizzie so

 

The Hudson River

If he keeps bickering with Mary I might just kick him off myself 

 

Blondie #2

@Blondie #1 neither do you?????

 

Blondie #1

I’m moving in next week?????

 

You guys are all being mean to me

I’m going to tell my brother about you

 

George of the Jungle

If Mycroft hits me with one more paintball, I will drive fourteen hours to hit you with your own broom

 

Jokes on you, Mr Lestrade, I don’t own a broom

 

The Hudson River

SHERLOCK????? 

WHAT ARE YOU SWEEPING THE PLACE WITH THEN?????

 

I vacuum????

 

Blondie #2

Look what you did Sherlock

[IMG.png]

She’s sobbing on the carpet all because of you

 

What, son?

It’s fine, we’ll help her mail Sherlock a broom

 

Does anyone else hear an annoying buzzing?

 

What, son?

SHERLOCK

I SAID I WAS SORRY

 

Blondie #1

What did you do anyway?

 

What, son?

He was whining about this new crushh of hid and I tolf him if he wnags to attrafct the guy then he shoulf probabnlh brush his heair 

 

George of the Jungle

SNNFJDS NO YOU DIDNT PFFT

 

Say it to my face, coward

That’s right you CANT

 

What, son?

Yeah duh youree a gourteen hour frive away

 

Blondie #2

John buddy I’m going to throw you out of a moving car on a busy highway if you don’t turn your autocorrect on

 

Blondie #1

James if I find out my boyfriend died on a busy highway I swear I will make Eliza a widow

 

The Hudson River

We’re not married, though????

 

Oh, done crying, Lizzie?

 

The Hudson River

You don’t have any rights to speak until you get yourself a broom

 

I knew I should’ve complained about John to Mycroft. 

At least he LISTENS to me

 

George of the Jungle

Ok sorry our bad

So, tell us about this crush of yours

 

No I don’t think I will

 

What, son?

That’s because he dorsnt know anygtung about him

 

Blondie #2

JOHNATHAN PLEASE

 

What, son?

THATS NOT MY NAMME??????

 

Blondie #1

You don’t know anything about him?? Does that include a name?

 

Mary, sweetheart, if I knew his name we would not be having this conversation.

 

The Hudson River

Well, what DO you know about him?

 

What, son?

Sherlock I can see you recordong a voicre note dont you dsre 

 

George of the Jungle

He’s been recording for a while

 

[voice note: 11 minutes]

 

Blondie #1

Jesus Christ

 

The Hudson River

James is crying on the floor bc he laughed too hard. Sherlock why did you say your crush has eyes like a blood moon what does that even mean 

 

I hate all of you.

Chapter 5: Bonde’s Phone

Chapter Text

(Day 4 — 10:46 am)

The Drawing Board

You added Little Louis

You added Bertie

You added Moron

You added Fucker (affectionate)

You added Johnny

You added Blondie

You added Baby 💖🌸✨

You added Georgie

 

@Bertie add ur hookup please

 

Moron

What is this

 

Bertie

First of all DONT CALL HIM THAT??????

Second of all no he isn’t fond of group chats 

 

It’s for a good cause I promise

 

Little Louis

But I don’t like Albert’s hookup

 

Bertie

He is NOT a hookup!!!! 

We have been DATING for TWO AND A HALF YEARS

 

Little Louis

I know 

BELIEVE ME. I KNOW.

 

Just add him, Al, he’ll want to be here when he finds out what’s happening

 

Bertie

Fine but you can’t call him my hookup anymore.

He’s my BOYFRIEND. 

 

Bertie added 07123 123456

 

Hold on wait I have to save his number I don’t like numbers in my chats

Can I call him your loverboy

 

Baby 💖🌸✨

Wait a damn minute

 

Hush, sweetheart, you’re gonna spoil my surprise

 

Bertie

I regret adding him already

 

Georgie

James can you please explain why I have to be in a group chat with two of the Moriarty brothers?

They’re annoying 

 

Bertie

YOU TOLD OUR TEACHER I PUT GUM ON HER CHAIR WHEN YOU AND I WERE IN FIFTH GRADE YOU ARE THE WORST

 

kids, no fighting we are gathered here today for a very important cause 

Y’all are never gonna guess what I found out this morning

 

Baby 💖🌸✨

Does it have anything to do with the way you were wheezing on the floor before I left for work

 

So, uh, y’know how Sherlock and Liam are both off to college this year and they’re both staying on college res?

 

Moron

You’re fucking kidding

 

NOPE

 

Fucker (affectionate)

There is no way. I’m not buying it. You’re lying. Impossible.

 

Did

Did you just use two hands, Freddie?

 

Fucker (affectionate)

YOURE LYING

 

Blondie

Wait. Wait hold on. You’re not saying what I think you’re saying, are you?

 

Georgie

[unsettled-tom.png]

 

Wait it gets better

Loverboy, why don’t you share your name with the class. Some of you should have his number saved, I believe.

 

Bertie

You sneaky bitch

 

Georgie

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

 

Johnny 

OF ALL THE PEOPLE, IT HAD TO BE ALBERT MORIRARTY?????? 

MYCROFT, WHY

 

Moron

MYCROFT???????

As in Sherlock’s BROTHER?????

 

Bertie’s loverboy

@Bertie did you not tell them

 

Bertie

Did YOU not tell your brother’s best friend???

 

Bertie’s loverboy

I thought I was being very obvious

 

Little Louis

I’m going to cry 

I can tolerate half a Holmes on a good day

I cannot handle both of them 

Albert it’s time to move out. I’ll leave your things in the yard. 

 

Hehe

 

Baby 💖🌸✨

How long have you known

 

About Albert and his loverboy or Sherlock and William?

 

Fucker (affectionate)

Both

Come clean right now

 

Since you so kindly have begun to use both hands to type, I will comply

Like 8:30-ish this morning 

I mean I knew Albert was hooking up with someone since like yesterday but that’s just because Louis didn’t tell anyone that his brother had a BOYFRIEND and obviously Mycroft didn’t think having one was worth mentioning to the Baker Street guys 

 

Johnny

Actually I think hserlock knew who mycroft was datying 

He kept saying mycrofts boyfriend lookked like he has the gates to hell in his “ugly green eyes”

 

Baby 💖🌸✨

AND YOU DECIDED TO KEEP THAT INFORMATION TO YOURSELF????

 

Bertie

UGLY????

 

Johnny

Yeah he shays you loook like a dveuil 

 

Johnathan I am going to kick you out of this group and ban everyone from telling you all the piping tea we share if you don’t turn ur autocorrect on 

 

Johnny

JAMWS THAT IS NOT MY NAME

 

Moron

Wait what is the purpose of this? Just to gossip? Why is it called the drawing board?

 

Hehe

 

Little Louis

Oh ew I can almost HEAR your little gremlin laugh

 

Bertie’s loverboy

I am NOT playing matchmaker for my little brother

 

COME ONNNNNNN

it’ll be so much fun

We can totally gaslight them into believing that we know nothing

 

Fucker (affectionate)

It himrstly would not be hard. All Will ever talks bout is Cigareette Ghuy

 

Johnny

Oh, so he DID see sheelock loght the cigartte with the irok, then?

Did he alos see shekroil iroking his shirt on his deskj 

 

Bertie

He did and he was in pain about it for a while

We think he likes Cigarette Guy

Sherlock

 

I was gonna change Sherlock’s name to Willy Wonka’s loverboy to keep in theme but I think it’s funnier if I change it to Cigarette Guy

 

Little Louis

Ew

 

Blondie

I second that. 

Ew. 

 

Little Louis

Don’t call my brother ew!!!

 

Blondie

Make me, twig

 

Bertie

Wait you have William saved as Willy Wonka????

 

Yeah it’s funny

 

Bertie’s loverboy

YOU SAVED ME AS ALBERTS LOVERBOY?????

 

No.

[screenshot.png]

 

Bertie’s loverboy

Who the fuck is bertie 

 

Bertie

[ben-affleck-smoking.png]

Me

 

Moron

[wheeze.jpg]

I love this chat

(Day 4 — 2:18 pm)

The Moriarty Clan

 

Willy Wonka

You fools are suspiciously quiet today

 

Sorry if some of us actually go to our classes instead of staring at Cigarette Guys

 

Willy Wonka

Nevermind I liked it better when this chat was dead

 

Moron

What, no Cigarette Guy update today?

 

Fucker (affectionate)

Yes, we are wuite invested in the story nkiw

 

Fred

P L E A S E

 

Fucker (affectionate)

No

 

Willy Wonka

Well stop being invested 

I don’t know how he’s doing 

His curtains are closed today 

 

Little Louis

You CHECKED up on him???

 

Willy Wonka

N O

I happened to look out my window and found it odd that I was staring at curtains instead of whatever whack job shit he might be up to in there

 

Bertie

You absolutely checked up on him

 

Moron

Does he at least sound alive?

 

Willy Wonka

I hate all of you

(Day 4 — 2:57 pm)

The Drawing Board 

 

Hey, Baker Street guys

Does anyone know why Sherlock had his curtains drawn all of today?

 

Johnny

Hes upset that he left the library and “angel eyes” didnt followr him out

 

Moron

There is no way you’re being serious right now

Is THAT why Will saw only the curtains this morning???

 

Baby 💖🌸✨

William CHECKED UP on Sherlock????

 

Little Louis

That’s what I said!!

 

Bertie’s loverboy

@Johnny how do YOU know

 

Johnny

He was textying me about it this morning

It all led to this chat somehow

 

I’m so proud of you for only making one spelling error. 

 

Johnny

🖕

 

Fucker (affectionate)

🖕

(Solidarity)

 

I’ll kick you both out.

(Day 4 — 3:16 pm)

Baker Street Gossip Column

 

Cigarette Guy

Why is everyone so quiet today

 

How are things going with that crush of yours

 

Cigarette Guy

Bad

I haven’t seen him ALL DAY

 

Johnny

Did you perhaps open your curtains once?

 

Blondie

Sherlock?? 

Where did you go??

 

Baby 💖🌸✨

Bets on whether he’s gone to open the curtains or not?

 

Georgie

I’ll take that bet. 

 

Cigarette Guy

WNBDBFJFNDNS

GUYS HELP

 

Baby 💖🌸✨

Like in a “I’m having a gay panic” way or in a “I set my dorm on fire” way?

 

Cigarette Guy

RHBFBDBSBD HE FELL ASLEEP AT HIS DESK IM

IM GONNA SOB

HES SO PRETTY

HE LOOKS SO SOFT AND SQUISHY

I WANNA KITH HIS CHEEKS

 

Blondie

Creep

 

Cigarette Guy

Didn’t you spend half your math final watching John sleep through three-quarters of the paper

 

Blondie

I’m his girlfriend. I’m allowed to stare at John. 

 

Cigarette Guy

Ok but seriously

Help

He’s so cute

Why is his window closed

I wanna write my number on a paper jet and throw it into his dorm

 

Georgie

Sherlock your paper planes never fly it will just land in the alley

 

Cigarette Guy

I am HAVING

A MOMENT

SHUT UP

 

I can’t believe you don’t even know who you’re being such a massive simp for.

 

Cigarette Guy

I’m muting all of you

I’m going to sit at my desk and stare at the pretty boy

(Day 4 — 4:34 pm)

The Drawing Board

 

[screenshot.png]

Team Will, look at this simp

 

Moron

Aww that’s actually kinda cute

 

Little Louis

Ew

 

Blondie

That’s what I said

 

He hasn’t replied to us in a few minutes. I think he fell asleep watching William

 

Fucker (affectionate)

I woylfd be mildly convernsd for wills safety if I didnt know Sgherlock

 

Bertie

You don’t know Sherlock???

 

Fucker (affectionate)

Says yoi

 

Fred?????

When did you meet Sherlock??

 

Fucker (affectionate)

Shsnt tell you

 

Fine, keep your secrets

Well, this has been fun but I have an assignment to complete 

Keep me posted if anything fun happens

Chapter 6: William & Mycroft’s Phones

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

William’s Phone

(Day 5 — 3:09 am)

The Moriarty Clan

 

I may have impulsively bought something

(3:17 am)

Why are you all sleeping today I need someone to calm my nerves

(3:24 am)

WAKE UP

(3:37 am)

You guys are horrible

(3:41 am)

If you never hear from me again it’s because I went underground and decided to become a social hermit

(3:56 am)

i hate u all

(5:18 am)

I’m going to do an impulsive thing, I fear

(5:43 am)

Might do it in the library hmmmm

(6:07 am)

I may have done an impulse thing

(6:16 am)

WHY ARE NONE OF YOU AWAKE DO NONE OF YOU GET UP ON TIME FOR COLLEGE AND WORK?????

(6:39 am)

You all suck

(6:54 am)

I’m going to make a friend later today probably

(8:47 am)

Ok I forgive you guys you’re all invited to my wedding

(Day 5 — 6:52 am)

Unknown Number

I appreciate the gift, but I must confess that I already have my sights set on someone. 

If you don’t mind, can we meet at the library to return the gift? I already have a lighter. Several, actually. 

I’m so sorry. 

[Contact saved: Cigarette Guy]

Listen up, you pathetic excuse of a human being

I have not slept since 3am this morning because of YOU

So no, I will not be meeting up with you for you to return the lighter. You keep that thing and from now on, you use THAT to light your cigarettes. 

If I have to see you light your cigarette with an IRON again, I will throw a brick through your window instead of dropping a lighter in your bag. 

Are we clear?

 

Iron…….

Wait 

HOLD ON

WAIT A MINUTE

WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE???

 

A person???

What kind of a question is that

 

SEND ME A PHOTO

PLEASE

IM GROVELLING ON THE FLOOR HERE

 

Why

You already stare at me every day

 

AJVDBRBFJBDNANSBD

YOU

HUH

 

You’re lucky you’re pretty because you are actually kind of stupid

Like a himbo

Except you’re small

 

WAIT

PAUSE

PAUSE

HOLD ON

I NEED A MOMENT

GIVE ME A SECOND IM LOSING MY MIND

 

I can’t tell if things are going in a good direction or not

 

/pos

 

Oh

Okay

I have a class in a minute, but I’m free after 8:30

 

Okay. 

All right. 

Uh, where will you be?

 

Library

I trust you know where I sit

Stalker

 

IM NOT A STALKER I PROMISE

 

/t

 

Oh

Oh okay

Uh

Enjoy your class

 

Thanks

You … too??

(Day 5 — 9:03 am)

The Moriarty Clan

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

WEDDING????????

 

James Bonde

WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT

 

🥰

 

Sebastian Moran

WILLIAM WHAT IS HAPPENING

 

I’m not telling because none of you were awake when I was going through a crisis

 

Louis James Moriarty

IT WAS THREE IN THE MORNING, WILLIAM

 

Tough

Get over it

 

Fred Porlock

Sho are you and what habe you done wkth william 

 

William is currently occupied, so you rotten lumps of bad friends can stew in your bafflement until tonight

 

Albert James Moriarty (Work)

TONIGHT????? 

YOUR MORNING CLASSES END AT 8:30 AND YOURE FREE UNTIL 4 AND THOSE CLASSES END AT 5:30 WHAT DO YOU MEAN TONIGHT????

 

I am busy having lunch and then I will be busy in the library and then I will be busy having dinner and then I will be busy reading a book. You can wait until after all of that.

Goodbye. 

Mycroft’s Phone

(Day 5 — 9:04 am)

The Drawing Board

 

Albert’s angry friend

[screenshot.png]

HELLO????

WHAT DOES HE MEAN WEDDING?!?!?!

 

Lestrade

SEBASTIAN MORAN IS THAT REAL

 

Albert’s short friend

He jusgt send that to us at like  and then got dreal mean aboiut how we were all tooo aslepe to stop him from doing an imoulsive thinhg

 

Mary

Sherlock’s not answering my messages and he’s not picking up John’s calls either. Do you think they’re on a date???

 

Albert’s chibi brother

No way. Will was adamant that he didn’t like Sherlock at all. He was convinced that the only reason he kept staring was because he wanted to see how long Sherlock would survive.

 

Albert 💍

Yeah, but he did say he was going to do something impulsive.

 

Albert’s blond friend

He also said it would be in the library. I’m willing to bet that he stole a book or something. Maybe he wrote his name on the desk in pencil. It’s Will.

(Day 5 — 6:54 am)

Stupid

MYCROFTTTT

MYCROFT WAKE UP 

IT’S IMPORTANT

[screenshot.png]

HE SAID HE’S FREE AFTER 8:30 IS HE ASKING ME OUT

You suck

(8:32 am)

MYCROFT HE’S IN THE LIBRARY HES SO PRETTY IM GONNA DIE OH MY GOD

Do u think he’s been waiting long

Bastard the least you could do is wake up and wish me luck

Im gonna ignore every call from everyone who ignored me

(8:17 am)

Nevermind you’re invited to my wedding it will be a grand affair and i’ll even let you bring your demon boyfriend.

(9:05 am)

FUCKER DON’T LEAVE ME ON READ

(Day 5 — 9:04 am)

The Drawing Board

 

[screenshot.png]

I too have been invited to a wedding

 

Ms Hudson

[coincidence-i-think-not.gif]

 

Albert’s blond friend

So much for playing matchmaker :((((

Notes:

thank u everyone for entertaining this crack thought I had at 1am one random day and then spent months with in my drafts bc I didn’t have a funny enough title ily all very much I hope you giggled a lil bit ok bye ❤️