Archive of Our Own ^beta

A pebble had found its way into his pocket again. Once he noticed, he couldn’t throw it away. And unlike an oyster he couldn’t ignore it until it turned into a pearl. It was more like a grain of powder than a grain of sand anyway, likely to cause an explosion of emotion given time.

So he set himself a date with a different stone. It was September, not too long after Yom Kippur, and maybe that focus on atonement and repentance had sent his thoughts toward Goncharov, toward his own actions and his guilt. Maybe that was why his pocket had called out, his hand found something to pick up and deposit there.

It wasn’t the first time he found himself bringing a pebble to Goncharov’s grave. But September meant wet, and it was a misty, miserable day with a drizzle that came and went. The grave itself wasn’t so bad, as graves went. Katya had been generous to the dead at least. No, he was being bitter. Not that she would care for his opinion on the matter, his thoughts on the gravestone or on her were irrelevant now.

He pulled the pebble out of his pocket and placed it on the bare top of the headstone. If he looked at the base he could doubtless find other pebbles swept off and grown over, but he didn’t. He turned his back and walked away.

He felt empty, like the shell-casing from a fired bullet. The bitter tangle between the three of them was over, and no concern to Katya, or Goncharov either. But here he was in the damp, with a bond to a man who was dead, and bringing a small reminder to a large stone that didn’t care.

He paused at the gate, checked his pockets. But there were no extra little pebbles hiding away, waiting to grind at him like sand, or burn him like powder. Just his faithful pocket watch. He pulled it out and checked the time, relieved to see his bout of memory hadn’t infringed further on his day.

“Your memory is no-one’s blessing,” he muttered over his shoulder, and immediately regretted it. But he wouldn’t un-say it, there was no-one to hear any apology anyway. He tightened his jaw and went back to his day.