Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Life of a Humanoid Abomination

Chapter 1

Introductions

Hello, filthy human Earthlings. It is I, the bane of your existence, the plague upon your planet, the gum on the bottom of your shoe that refuses to let go no matter how much you try and scrape me off.

I am an alien-human hybrid.

As you can see by my house burning down in the distance, your beloved Knights in outdated shining plastic armor have come to smoke me out.

Okay, so I'm not a very good artist on the computer. Sue me for not having access to a scanner, assholes. This may not be a very good way of starting things, let's try this again.

Hi, my name is @#$%^&, and I refuse to let out my real name because REASONS. Said reasons currently chasing my sorry carapaced ass across the state right now. Yes, I have a carapace, it's nice and shiny, but makes for some shitty armor. I mean, I have gotten some stupid injuries like any normal kid. Although having a full-blown carapace attached to your limb bones, like a turtle's shell to its spine, actually makes breaking an arm or leg just a tiny bit worse, since you're bleeding externally too.

But I'm getting off topic here.

Yeah, so I'm a freaky alien hybrid with the Forever Knights chasing after me. Shouldn't I be going to school, or doing something besides writing a fucking journal on the Extranet and Internet to laugh at while I'm being blasted up the ass by a bunch of self-righteous douches dressed in tin can suites?

My answer is no.

My mom homeschooled me, and I am old enough to live on my own(barely). Also, I need something to document my journey as I see if I can guilt trip those useless fucks who claim to protect the very aliens that they bring here. You can guess who I'm referring to. I also work from my computer, editing and stuff. Mostly newspaper and magazine articles; harmless stuff like that.

So yeah... Here's a sketch of me(sorta).

I made it on this paper doll thingy based on a Japanese video game. Saves a lot of time, I think. Although, I can't really portray my carapace accurately in chibi form. Oh well, you really don't need to see it. It's actually kinda gross up close, to most people. Imagine those shells you have to peel off of your shrimp if you want to get to your food, only covering a human being. It is just as awkward and gross as it sounds.

So, that's me. I'll update as my adventures go along. Bye!

Chapter Text

Humanoid Abomination

Chapter 2

You would probably not be surprised as to how hard it is to rent a hotel room on this planet. I mean, yeah, if my people just realized they weren't a one-off of sentience, I'd be a little put off by an alien walking in and asking for a room. But seriously, that does not justify screaming like a little girl while I'm giving my best pleasant smile.

Okay... So my smile isn't exactly very charming. Not my fault the dude doesn't watch the news like everyone else, or else he'd know what a real monster alien looks like. I've got nothing on that Vilgax freak.

What really makes this suck is that I have to move around a lot. Either those Knights are the local's equivalent of pest control, or they put a tracker on my car. Personally, if one of those bastards have done anything to my baby, I will fucking gut them.

Anyways, I might actually be able to use this for more than just public embarrassment or blackmailing the Plumbers. You see, while I was raised by my alien mother on this planet, she never told me much about my people. I did my best to draw her, from memory alone, 'cause she kinda got locked up a while ago. Something about cultural differences making her literally rip a guy a new one.

Shiny black carapace, teeth like a fucking barracuda, blank white eyes, and I've seen her whip out tentacles from her back on more than one occasion. I myself have a translucent carapace, nice shiny fangs(totally not like some aquatic predator's), and white irises. Though, I think I might be changing in a little while.

My carapace is getting really fucking itchy lately. And there are these black spots on my back, shoulders, and such, so I think I might be shedding this casing soon. Although, I really don't wanna know what's going to happen to my hair if the carapace on my scalp changes.

If you guys know anything about that, message me. I would really appreciate knowing if I'm either dying or just hitting another horrific stage of life.

Chapter Text

Humanoid Abomination

Chapter 3

Chat log: September 6^th, 20**

~ HumanoidAbomination has begun messaging MisterE! ~

HA: Hey, so I called like you asked so nicely.
HA: Any real reason you wanna talk?
ME: yo, just wanted to ask a few questions.
ME: some of my friends are Plumbers.
ME: they want to know what’’s happening to you; so they can maybe check out what’s going on.
HA: Like I said on the journal. Freaky black spots like growing freckles.
ME: ok yeah that does sound nasty.
ME: alright my buddy just asked me to ask you about your mom’s species name.
HA: Uh, I think it had something to do with crustaceans. Y’know, since both my race and those things have carapaces and all.
ME: alright then. He doesn’t know anything specific, but he’s looking into it. Good luck.
HA: Yeah, uh, thanks dude.

~ HumanoidAbomination has ceased messaging MisterE! ~

Yeah, so I got some messages today.

Some dude who’s got the gall to call himself Mister E. Well, if he proves not to be an Extranet troll or something, or even a Knight in disguise, he might be helpful. I’ve got my doubts, though.

My financial situation is modest, but maintainable. Thank god for halfway decent insurance, maybe I can buy an RV or something so that if those assholes decide to befoul my property, I can move the hell out. Maybe go on one of those trips like that dude on TV did a while back.

Now that’d be cool; if it didn’t include all the near-death experiences, of course.

But, I’m alright for now. I admit, I was kind of anticipating getting chased down for a while now. The guy my mom mutilated was kind of high on the ranks of some possibly illegal company, and these guys don’t settle for imprisonment. Not that dear mother would really mind me being a pile of ashes.

Last time I called the prison, she commented on how “there can only be one Queen for a land.”

I think it might be an old tradition for mothers to hate their daughters back on her home-planet. Or at least for the kids to violently take their inheritance, because it took forever to get to that house. I know the guys live practically forever; my mom mentioned meeting one of the first governors of Pennsylvania at some point.

I’m pretty sure she also said something about there being white versions of those like her. Well, she called them “pasty pearl slime worshippers,” so I’m guessing there’s some bad blood between the factions.

By the way, does anybody know how to change the color of the text on this? The chat client did in fact have typing colors, with Mister E being green, but so far I haven't found out how to format that yet.