Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

falling asleep has always felt wrong to Jason, when he was really young he was always on edge from his fathers beatings,
and laying down hurt his bruises and broken bones, he slept every night and every morning he woke up more and more tired,
during that time sleeping felt like a risk, one that he was willing to take, sure, but that was simply because at that particular time he still had a will to live,
though not very much of one, and that tiny flicker of light that was still inside him was quickly doused and put out when he watched his mother die on the floor of their shitty apartments bathroom.

there was only a few weeks after that before his father was shot and killed, leaving him to be quickly kicked out by their landlord and left to roam the streets of crime alley.

Jason was homeless for what he would guess was about 2 or 3 years, to be completely honest he never really made an effort to keep track,
on the streets the days were long and cold and the nights even more so, the clothes he had when he was kicked out quickly wore out and he grew out of his shoes,
and let me tell ya attempting to sleep outdoors in the Gotham winter without shoes? fucking impossible, those days Jason never really got much sleep,
but not necessarily for the reason you might think, you see, you get used to the weather, don't get me wrong, it always fucking sucked, it was uncomfortable and the sleep he got was never any good,
but his nights were always far more impacted by the people who roamed and ran the streets and alleys of Gotham, there were a lot of different people Jason met, there were a few good, some weirdos,
regular folk, and bad people,

he was always on edge, always, but something about that seemed familiar to Jason, almost comforting, he was used to it, its how its always been, how its going and how he assumed it would always be,

so when he stole the tires off some rich dudes car and was given the biggest room he'd ever laid eyes on it isn't that weird to think that maybe he had a hard time sleeping in a a bed bigger then his old bathroom,

he would sleep every night but he was always just as tired when he woke up as he was when he went to sleep, the bed was too soft or the mattress didn't hurt his back, and it never felt right,
because it was the most comfortable thing he had ever owned, but it just felt so, wrong.

he used to lay awake at night, in that over sized bed and just think, about what Bruce might do to him if he ever messed up, would he yell, would he hit him, would he throw him out,leave him to rt on the streats he found him on
and he would always try to think of a reason why Bruce wouldn't do that, a fact that proved that he was finally safe, but he always circled back to the facts,
he knew he was a fuck up and he knew he got on Bruce's nerves, Bruce only adopted him because dick left, if he ever got to be more trouble then he's worth Bruce would kick him to the curb.

and with that in mind it was needless to say he wasn't so much surprised as he was disappointed when Bruce hit him for the first time,
because whether he liked it or not there was a small part of him that really wanted to see Bruce as a father, not in the way Willis was his father but in the way he's always wanted, in the kind, loving, fatherly way.

but ever the fool Jason Todd was, because when could he ever get a break, when would the universe finally decide 'enough is enough, we've tortured this kid long enough, let him have a breather'

soon he was going to bed with bruises and broken bones, just like when he was living with Willis, and so what if he was a little nostalgic about that fact,
so what if he slept just a little bit better the nights that he got hurt on patrol, if he did it was none of anyone's business.

after he died, and came back

sleeping was harder then ever, he was scared that one of these nights he just might not wake up, and while he didn't particularly want to live the idea of dying again frightened him,

he had had nightmares for most of his life, but none of them compared to the ones he had about being dead and dying, the joker themed ones were always the worst,
though the ones that just replayed the memory of crawling out of his grave were a close second,

those days he was lucky to get an hour uninterrupted by the horrors of his life, but most nights he didn't try at all, most nights he was out of the streets beating the shit out of people and pissing Bruce off,

it wasn't until about a year after everything, when he got closer to Roy that he started sleeping again, Roy just seemed to put him at ease,

and that fact is what brings us to where we are now, which is Jason's chest pressed firmly against Roy's back, while the older man sleeps soundly in Jason's arms, snoring lightly here and there,

now don't get me wrong Jason was absolutely ecstatic about his current sleeping arrangements, it just came with one, small downside, and that was whenever had a nightmare,
flashback or panic attack Roy new about it and always tried to help him, and he loves Roy, so goddamn much, more then anyone, but he really doesn't want to talk about his nightmares,
its invasive and it makes him feel like a fucking child, if there's one thing Jason hates its vulnerability, particularly the idea of him himself being vulnerable,

and so began the saga of him having a nightmare, and attempting to sneak away to the bathroom to calm himself down without waking Roy, and so far it was about 27% effective and climbing,

tonight was not one of those nights, yes he had had a flashback to when he was killed by the joker but to be frank he was in entirely too much pain to care, much less move or get up out of this bed.

to help you understand what its like let me describe it like this: his joints had locked up,
every bone in his body felt like it was being put through a mechanical cheese grater and every scar on his body felt like it was being poked with a white hot iron stake, and he had more scars then skin so he currently felt like he was being deepfried.

and the reason that this was happening? well that would be the same reason for all of his pain and suffering, his shitty, fucked up life of abuse and crime fighting and then more abuse,
he was only 23 but he couldn't get out of bed in the morning without every joint in his body crackling, at 14 he couldn't run without his knees sounding like pop rocks,
and sure the Lazerus pit helped with that some, but his body's decaying about as fast as its regenerating

every day hes in pain, mind and body, he really can't catch a break can he,
he finally finds the love of his live and yet is in more pain then he has ever been (again, both mind and body)

he was crying, yes but he was trying his very best to not make a sound, as the last thing he wanted right now would be to wake Roy

when Roy first showed signs of waking up Jason was sure he could keep it together long enough for Roy to settle back to sleep, that was until Roy moved, he turned and rolled on Jason's arm, and the moment he felt any weight shift he let out a loud yelp

However, Jason managed to recover, quickly shushing Roy back to sleep.

however, ever thw pain in Jasons ass Roy seemed to choose this exact moment to shift in Jason's arms sending a jolt of pain through out Jason's body and ripping a choked yelp from his throat.

unfortunately the secondary sound woke Roy and mistakeing the sound as danger Roy was quickly up and had grabbed a knife, from where Jason had no idea, still very much half asleep Roy was looking around the room frantically, looking around the room for any sign of danger it took him a moment but he did calm down enough to realize 1 that there was no intruder and 2 that Jason was in a lot of pain, he slowly lowered the knife and made his way over to Jason

clearly much more lucid he spoke "Jason!" he placed his hands out to grab onto Jason's arm and thigh "stop!" Jason shouted frantically "please just, don't touch me"

Roy's hands stopped hovering just above Jason's pain stricken body "Jay?" Roy asked "what's going on baby?"

Roy gave him a look, the look he always gave him when he did something stupid, the one that said 'fuck you, i know you're lying you Little shit, you think i'm stupid?' Roy let his hands drop to his sides and took a breath "Jay, baby, what's wrong, really" but Jason was stubborn, he didn't need help from anyone, and no matter how much he wanted it he would never ask, even if he knew Roy only meant well, what was Roy to do in this situation anyway, hug him as he cried until morning? how is that better then Roy getting a full night of sleep, the last thing Jason wants is to be a burden to Roy

Jason tried (and failed) to give Roy a smile and said "i'm fine, it's nothing, go back to bed " Roy gave him a look, the look he always gave him when he did something stupid, the one that said 'fuck you, i know you're lying you Little shit, you think i'm stupid?' which is exactly what he feels like hes being now Jayson really wanted to speak, wanted to tell Roy what was wrong, where it hurt and all the ways he could fix it, if he knew that is, but he'd settle for a cuddle at this point, unfortunately he couldn't seem to make himself speak eventually Roy stopped waiting for an answer and decided to start asking some questions. "where does it hurt Jay?" Roy asked clearly seeing though all of Jason's bullshit and as hard as Jason tried he couldn't quite stop his tongue, nor his tears "everywhere" he said, his voice cracked straight through the middle Roy's face softened, eyes drooping slightly and a sad smile settling into his features, slowly he walked to the other side of there bed and shimmied himself close to Jason, being very careful to jostle Jason as little as possible he stopped right behind Jason, arm hovering just above Jason's arm

"can i touch you, love?"  Roy asked, with so much tenderness and care Jason thought he might just burst, he gave a quick nod and slowly Roy wrapped himself around the larger man, doing his best to be gentle and to move slowly, Jason made a few sounds of pain but as soon as they got settled Jason seemed to relax quite a bit, it seemed that the warmth of Roy's body was at least a little soothing to is inflamed body, and there they lyed for hours and hours, Roy seemed to hold his breath, watching for the moment that Jason fell asleep and when he did he watched him, as he took breaths in and out, perfetly happy to watch as he sleeps, savoring the contact, he stroked his thumb back and forth across his lovers elbow until he finally drifted off to sleep,

when Roy woke up the bed was cold and Jason was nowhere to be seen, he sat up and turned to his bedside table to check the time, it was only 4 am, he slapped a hand against his forehead and fell backwards onto his mattress, sighing, he closed his eyes and rubbed his brow. it was then that he heard a crash from the kitchen.

Chapter Text

---10 minutes earlier---

Jason landed on the roof top with a rather large stumble, banging his knee pretty badly on the hard concrete, hard enough to bleed and to scar, and normally that wouldn't happen, seeing as he scaled buildings for a living, but he was a little but distracted at the moment namely by the fact that he was bleeding out from at the very least 7 different wounds. he quickly climbed down the side of the building and opened the window to his and Roy's apartment

" fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" Jason whispered profanity as he climbed through his window, quickly bleeding from the 4 bullets currently logged in his legs and the 3 knife wounds scattered across his body he dropped down on the floor, as quiet as possible, trying his very best not to wake Roy

he removed his helmet and set it on the kitchen counter before walking over to the cabinet and grabbing the first aid kit, then setting it down opposite to his helmet, he pulled up a bar stool and took off his leather jacket, under armor and pants leaving him in only his boxers and a bloodied white tank top

he started on his legs first, making quick work of the bullet holes, having stitched up himself and many other vigilantes countless times before, however, he ran into a bit of trouble when he moved onto the stab wounds he wasn't able to reach most of them well enough to properly stitch them

so he settled on just wrapping them, he turned and reached for the bandages in the first aid kit but he missed and whole thing clattered onto the floor "shit" he exclaimed and crouched down to pick it all up, he had gotten about half of the contence back into the box when he heard a voice "you went out on patrol didn't you?" he startled a bit before turning to see Roy: arms crossed leaning against the door frame, Jason turned back to the spilled medical supplies, picking the rest up and setting the box back on the counter. he sat back down on the stool and sighed, Roy sighed as well, kicked off from the wall and walked over to Jason, grabbing the first aid kit from the counter and starting to stitch up Jason's back. they stood in silence for about a minute before Roy finally spoke "are we gonna talk about it?"

"i thought you were asleep" Jason avoided the question "yea, well im not" Roy responded, dull faced "But I'll ask you again, are we gonna talk about it?" he asked Jason readied himself to respond, to try to think of some excuse, anything to ease Roy's mind, "just a rough night"Jason said with the smallest amount of humor "i'm not talking about you coming home with 4 holes blown through you" Roy said, trying to stay as calm as possible, he took a deep breath "im talking about what happened before you left" Jason's jaw set in place

eyes closing once more, but still, he couldn't seem to make himself speak, so he stayed silent, and soon Roy gave up on getting an answer and went back to stitching him up wordlessly, it took a moment, and quite a long one at that, but his mouth did finally catch up to his brain, his crackling voice splitting its way through the uncomfortable silence "we can talk about it" he croaked Roy paused behind him, clearly surprised. Jason continued "what part do you wanna start with?" Roy thought for a moment before continuing to stitch up Jason's back pausing just for a moment before answering Jason, "how about we start with why you were crying?" "i was in pain" Jason deadpanned "okay, then lets start with why you're in pain" Roy countered Jason lowered his head, in what seemed to be shame "Leslie said something about chronic pain" Roy gave him a questioning look, signaling for him to continue "um, about a year ago i realized that breathing, walking, bending, or generally existing shouldn't hurt as much as it does" Jason took a breath " so i went to the doctor, and it took 15 minutes for Leslie to diagnose me with arthritis, in just about every joint in my body, carple tunnel in both wrists and CRPS just about everywhere" he gave an outward breath "along with a handful of other things, plus i've got just about every type of nerve damage possible" he waved his hand as if to dismiss the severity of his issues "well damn" was all Roy said initially he took a moment to think before speaking "it there anything i can do when what happened tonight happens" Jason let out a breath that was more like a sigh than anything, though somehow still strongly resembled something of frustration "well, theres nothing you can really take away the pain, but itd help if you just held me, like you did earlier tonight " Roy nodded seriously at that, and resumed stitching up Jasons back. soon he was done and they went to bed, witch brings us to now, pitch black room with the small bits of moonlight shining through the blinds as the only light

Jason laying beside Roy, the love of his life has his arms around his waist, holding him tenderly, with care and gentle hands, holding his like he was important, like he was the most precious thing in the world.

And this, this is when Jason realized, this is what love actually is,

So they lay there in their tender love, wrapped in blankets and limbs, Drifting in and out of sleep, the perfect night, a perfect memory that they'll think of for years to come

When Jason finally drifted off to sleep only one thing was on his min And that was that he's the luckiest goddamn man on the planet.

Chapter Text

Even though he fell asleep next to Roy every night now it was still odd for Jason to wake up to the sun shining in through the blinds, in Gotham the sun rarely ever peaked through the gray clouds and smog,
it was weird not only to wake up to the warmth of the sun on his face but also to wake up wrapped up in the arms of the 2 people he loved most in this world and the next,

it was still all so foreign to him, being loved, being happy, being a part of a family, but he loved every second of it, every morning waking up to find Lian's snuck her way in to their bed,
every night in with Roy or movie night, he actually started looking forward to his nights off.

he loved reading books to Lian before bed and he loved dropping her off at school, needless to say she was his favorite little munchkin.

it never felt real to him, being so lucky as to wake up next to Roy every morning, with his arms around his waist, his head buried in his neck, he was so lucky to be loved,
and that's what it was to, luck, god knows no one would love him for any other reason

this morning Jason woke up before Roy and managed to slip out of bed without waking him, he creaped out of their bedroom and into the kitchen,

he got out a mixing bowl, a whisk, a spatula, a pan and all of the ingredients to actually make the pancakes, just as he was about to start mixing everything together

he heard little foot steps padding their way toward him, he turned and saw Lian standing in the hall, rubbing her eye with the back of her hand

"well good morning princess" Jason smiled and Lian walked closer
"whatcha doing jay-jay?" she asked with a yawn
Jason smiled at her "i'm making pancakes for you and your daddy, do you wanna help me?"

the biggest grin spread across her face "YEA!" she shouted
Jason quickly shushed her, not wanting her to wake Roy just yet
"shhh, quiet down a bit sweetheart, your daddys still trying to sleep"she clapped her hands together in excitement and jumped up and down,

once she had mellowed out a bit he called her over to start making the batter, Jason was very careful to measure out all the ingredients for her but let
her pour them all individually into the bowl, once all the ingredients were in the bowl he handed Lian the whisk and turned to start some coffee or himself and Roy,
it only took a minute to put the thing in the thing and turn the thing on but apparently it was a minute too long because when he turned around he found Lian neck deep in the sugar bag,

he sighed and gave a small chuckle before pulling her out of the bag and putting all of the ingredients away and placing a pan on the stove to heat up.

Lian carried the bowl of batter and Jason moved her stool over to the stove top and stood behind her, guiding her clumsy hands as she fumbled with the pancake batter and spatula,
needless to say they ended up with quite a few scrambled pancakes

Lian was having the time of her life, simply watching the pancakes cook, she was positively shaking every time it was time to flip one,

they were hallway through the second batch when Jason felt 2 gentle hands snake their way around his waist and a very sleepy Roy nuzzle his head into his neck,
Jason sighed, completely content for what felt like the first time in his life, and he let his head fall back to rest on Roy's shoulder,
he heard Roy's morning voice in his ear, rough and deep and smooth and positively beautiful "g'mornin" he said lowly in Jason's ear,

Jason couldn't help but smiled at his partner, and brought his arm up to grab the arm currently squeezing around his middle "good morning baby" he said as he thrummed his thum over Roy's scarred knuckles

and soon they were swaying, there was no music but who needs music when you have love

they danced for what felt like hours but must have only been minutes, time felt frozen in the best way possible, Roy grabbed Jason's hand and they pulled apart for a moment and Roy gave Jasons spin then there other hands joined and there chests brushed each other, and even though Jason's the taller one he laid his head on his lovers shoulder

they laid there for quite a while before the timer for the pancakes went off, Jason broke away from Roy to go and help lian take the pancakes to the table, Lian sat at the table and Jason turned to go and grab the condiments and some of the coffee for Roy and himself,

as Jason was grabbing things out of the fridge he heard roy speak to him, just above a whisper "how are you today babe?"

Jason simply turned to him with a smile on his face, and walked toward the table

Roy and Jason sat down and dished themselves and lian up

"alright" he said "lets eat"