Archive of Our Own ^beta

Catholicism. A major division of one of the few Abrahamic religions. It has deep roots and a very widespread reach. People are born into it, anyone who has been would tell you that it’s not one to choose to convert to. 

And definitely not if you’re a damned vampire. Literally, there’s no way that if their immortal lifespan were to somehow be cut short that they’d be allowed anywhere but hell. Maybe there would be an exception for the lone few vampires who have attempted to repent in the name of the lord, but it’s not likely. Some believe that dark creatures such as vampires have no soul and are meant to wander the earth stealing and consuming them, searching for what they will eternally be without, failing to gain it themselves.

Who’s to say really who or what is deemed worthy of a soul? Or that a soul is even that important anyway.

Catholicism and vampirism may be somewhat equally ancient but their longevity has by no means made them compatible. 

One has been logged into history time and time again by different cultures throughout time and was still written off as fiction, while the other was detailed in a book once and thus declared the answer to existential crises. Despite evidence to the contrary, vampires have been written off as simply folklore, even though their historical accounts predate the creation of the Bible.

They may be somewhat compatible when you consider that vampires existed within the Bible through description rather than the actual naming of the creatures. Although, belief is a powerful thing and has written off any of its merits in reality.

Perhaps it’s better this way, the inherent disconnection between the two. It’s almost like a safety net, but it’s also a lonely cage. One based on fear, villainization of their mere existence, deemed inarguably monstrous by numerous works of fiction. Yet by the standards of religion, if they existed, they were just demons walking the earth, needing to be cleansed from it.

Yet here Shauna Shipman was, a vampire youngling, standing behind her mother, asking if she was allowed to convert to Catholicism and attend a Catholic church.

Shauna had approached her mom while she was doing the dishes. Her mother hadn’t turned around when she told her she wanted to ask her something. Her mom had simply hummed to signal that she was listening. Then Shauna came out with it, she wanted permission to convert to Catholicism, as opposed to their general lack of religion or religious practice. 

She was met with a sighed laugh. “No?” she shook her head like Shauna must’ve been joking.

Shauna wasn’t joking. Her (what had been hopeful) expression saddened into a pout. Without another word she turned on her heels and left the kitchen with her mom turning around in confusion.

She quieted her footsteps so she didn’t sound angry going up them. With each step taken, Shauna felt like she was sinking in on herself. She knew her mom could probably hear the change in cadence of her heartbeat, but it felt worse than that, like her mom could hear her thoughts starting to spiral in and possibly out of her head.

Thankfully, that’s not how it works. Her mom couldn’t read her mind, she could only assume what was going on in her daughter’s mind based on how observant she was. And Shauna didn’t want to embarrass herself any further by seeming genuinely upset at the dismissal and rejection of her question.

She reached her room and sighed to herself once the door was shut. There were tears starting to prick at her eyes. This was something new. Neither of her parents had acted like this before, she hadn’t felt this type of rejection. Maybe it had been a ridiculous request, but for it to be taken as a joke?  

She needed to talk to someone, and that someone not being either of her parents. Shauna went into the space where her closet would be if she had one. Her dad offered to build one into the attic but Shauna assured him her racks with hangers were fine. They were positioned with one sticking off of the side of the slanted attic wall and the flat wall that housed the door into her room, creating a closed off space and an opening where they almost met. It created a hidden sitting space. She sat in her little bean bag chair and grabbed the phone with its base from its spot on her little bookshelf. That was one thing she did let her dad do, build shelves up here, she had more than welcomed it actually. But this shelf was special because it was hidden behind her clothes.

Her fingers dialed the number automatically. The phone had been another thing gifted to her. It was mainly for her to be able to call or be called by her dad. She also used it to call Jackie.

“Taylor residence, this is Mrs. Taylor speaking.” Came a very calm sounding voice that Shauna knew Mrs. Taylor only used when she answered the phone or the door.

“Hi, Mrs. Taylor,” Shauna said in the nicest sounding tone she could. “Is Jackie there?”

“Who’s calling?” She knew who was calling, this was just one of those things, she wanted to make sure everyone was proper and polite. Or maybe just her because she was a child.

Shauna took a breath, making sure her voice didn’t tremble. “It’s Shauna,” she paused for Mrs. Taylor to say something. She didn’t. “Shipman, it’s Shauna Shipman,” she announced herself fully.

“Oh, how lovely?” Mrs. Taylor asked with an airy tone, as if she were surprised. “How are you Shauna?”

“I’m-“ she paused again. “I’m doing okay, Mrs. Taylor. How are you doing?” Shauna wondered why Jackie’s mom cared about trying to make small talk with her. She guessed it was the ‘polite’ thing to do. Too bad Shauna hadn’t actually listened to what Mrs. Taylor had said because she was trying to listen beyond the voice droning on in the phone. She realized she was poking her teeth feeling around for her fangs when she heard a couple of thumps and a couple ‘ahem’s from a voice other than Mrs. Taylor.

“Now, wait your turn Jackie,” Mrs. Taylor had covered the receiver but that didn’t stop her voice from coming through. “Well, I have to go but it was nice hearing from you, Shauna. Don’t be a stranger, okay? You’re welcome here any time, and if you want to talk about how things are going with- just anything at all, I’m all ears. Bye bye now, and tell your mother I send my love.”

“I will Mrs. Taylor, bye,” Shauna hurriedly said.

Shauna heard Mrs. Taylor pass off the phone and whisper “It’s Shauna,” to Jackie who already knew.

“Hey, Shaunie!” Jackie said into the phone brightly.

Everything started to feel better already. Shauna took a breath and sighed in relief, letting her shoulders relax.

“Hello, can you hear me?” 

“Sorry!” Shauna said. “I’m here, I can hear you,”

Jackie didn’t question her hesitation. Sometimes she waited to say things into the phone too, they both did. “What’s the haps?” That was something she picked up saying recently. Shauna had asked her once if she heard it in a movie because she had never heard anyone else ever say it, but Jackie insisted she wasn’t quoting a movie. Eventually, Jackie did cave in from guilt and told Shauna that it was from North Shore; then they watched it together.

“I’m uh-” Shauna paused to lean her head against the wall. She still heard the sink running in the kitchen. She should be safe for now. “My mom laughed at me,” Shauna said quietly. She hung her head.

“Really?” 

Shauna could practically see Jackie scrunching her face in confusion, the little lines forming on her nose.

Immediately Jackie became defensive. “Why would she laugh at you?” She was flabbergasted! Shauna taught her that word and she loved finding the opportunity to use it, even if it was just in her head. Her confusion laced her voice in its loudness; there was no attempt to hide her question from her mother's ears.

It made Shauna cringe, worried that somehow her mom would hear over the receiver, or worse: Jackie’s mom would call the house later and ask her mom what all the fuss was about. “I asked if I could,” She swallowed, now embarrassed, but she knew Jackie wouldn’t laugh at her. “Become Catholic and go to church,” She pinched her eyes shut, waiting for Jackie to answer with bated breath. 

The wheels turned in Jackie’s head. “Why do you want to be Catholic?” It was curious, no judgment whatsoever. “I thought you guys were already Christian?” She asked for clarification, just in case she had assumed wrong.

Shauna let out a breath. “We are,” Shauna started. A part of her wanted to talk about everything, let it all spill out, but she couldn’t collect her thoughts well enough right now. She tried to pluck from what little information she had about Catholicism from what she had heard and read about it. “I like the Saints,” she threw out. It was true, but it wasn’t the full truth. “What they stand for and what they did,” She had heard a few stories here and there about a few of them, the sacrifices they made.

“Oh,” Jackie said like that somehow explained it all. “I don’t see what’s funny about that,” she paused. 

Shauna was incredibly relieved. “I don’t either!” Shauna said. “I didn’t think I sounded like I was joking or anything,” Shauna frowned at herself. “But maybe I just didn’t ask the right way…”

“Hmm…” Jackie hummed. “I don’t think so, you’re really good with your words,”

That made Shauna smile for a moment.

“Maybe you need to tell her you’re being serious about this.” There was a small thud from Jackie tossing herself into leaning on the wall with the phone base hooked on it. “I had to do that with my parents when I told them I’d do all the house chores for money for however long it took to save up for the Nintendo. Remember? My mom laughed when I said I would at dinner and then I sat them down and told them I meant it. Then they let me! And I got it!” Her parents had been so amazed by her dedication that they let her save up for half the price and paid for the rest.

Shauna nodded as if Jackie could see it. “I’ll do that,” she smiled, starting to feel better about the prospect of it already. That’s what she’d do. Shauna would sit down and talk it out some with her mom, then maybe she would understand. “Thank you, Jackie,” 

“You're welcome!” Jackie said very proud of herself. Her smile could be heard over the phone.

There was another voice before Shauna could say anything back. It was Jackie's mom again. She was telling Jackie that she needed to say her goodbyes because her mom had to make a couple of phone calls and that Jackie needed to clean her room anyway.

“I have to go, okay?” Jackie said after telling her mom that she would. “We can talk again later though. Good luck with your mom, I hope it all goes okay.” Mrs. Taylor was trying to ask for the phone again, now next to Jackie. “I love you, Shaunie!” She said quickly.

“I love you too, Jackie!” Shauna returned, hoping that the phone hadn’t been taken from Jackie before she could say goodbye.

There was a clunking sound and then the receiver disconnected with the ’ brr brr brr’ sound it makes when someone hangs up. Then Shauna was alone again, sitting in her bean bag chair, hidden by her racks of clothes. She let the receiver ring with the remnants of her phone call for a few moments. Then she realized that the water in the sink had stopped running and that she hadn’t been listening for it. Maybe it was fine, she hadn’t been loud and she didn’t know when her mom had actually turned off the sink, plus she was never really sure that her mom could hear well enough to hear into her room. She set the phone on the base and stopped the noise it was producing.

Shauna got up from her chair and came out from her nook. She peeked her head out her door.  The hallway and staircase were empty, her mom wasn’t walking up them to discuss the contents of her phone call. She sighed. A part of her wanted to go downstairs now to find her mom and continue on the confidence high from her phone call. The other part wanted to avoid it entirely; her previous feelings crept back with every second that distanced her from Jackie’s advice.

She swallowed really hard. Then she shut her door. She took a few steps away from it before stopping. Shauna went to the door again. Her hand hovered over the handle. She opened it. She peaked her head out once more. Still no one. Shauna stepped out and went down the stairs. She reached the bottom of them and she peeked her head into the kitchen. 

Her mom wasn’t there.

So, Shauna abandoned the mission entirely. She ran up the stairs and back into her room. It was decided. She would save the conversation until later.

Shauna made sure to shut her door on her way back into her room. She kicked herself mentally a little for not following through, but how was she supposed to explain-

There were footsteps coming up the stairs.

Looking around, Shauna grabbed her book from the bedside table and tossed herself onto her bed. She tried to look as natural as possible.

Then there was a light knock on the door.

“Come in?” Shauna asked as if she didn’t already know it was her mom.

First, her mom’s head peered around the door. Then she stepped into the room. “Sweetheart,” she started. “Are you alright?” She left the door open as she walked into the room. 

Shauna sat up from the spot she feigned to have been lounging in. “Yeah,” She lied as she placed her bookmark back into the book.

There was a pause.

The silence was incredibly loud. Or maybe it was Shauna’s heartbeat shifting cadence with her rising anxiety.

Shauna’s mom gave her a concerned look, one that told Shauna she had heard her footsteps scrambling up the stairs to hide away. She came further into the room. She craned her head to look at the book in Shauna’s hand. “Is that Peter Pan? Haven’t you already read that one?”

“Yeah,” Shauna looked down at the well-loved condition it was in. It was true. Shauna had read and finished it, several times actually, both by herself and read for Jackie. That’s not to say that Jackie couldn’t read, she just didn’t like to, and in Jackie’s own words: ‘I like it better when you read it,’ to which Shauna happily obliged. She even kept a second bookmark in it to keep where her place was with Jackie. 

“Must be a really good one then, yeah?” Her mom smiled.

Shauna smiled too. Then she nodded.

Shauna’s mom kneeled in front of her. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” She tilted her head to look at Shauna’s eyes.

It didn’t feel that way, and Shauna’s face wasn’t able to hide that. Her nose twitched with what signaled the beginning of possible tears. Even still, she nodded.

“Do you want to talk about anything?” She asked softly.

Nodding again, Shauna squinted, her embarrassment flared up. “I want to be Catholic.” She stated.

“Oh, sweetie,” regret displayed on her face. “I didn’t know you were-“ 

Actually serious. 

Shauna’s eyes locked onto her feet.

Her mom stood up from her crouched position. Shauna’s mom took a seat next to her and outstretched her arms. “Come here, baby bat,”

That was a nickname that stuck with her. Shauna had been too young to really understand all the intricacies of what it meant to be a vampire when she earned it. So, after watching Dracula unsupervised, Shauna had gotten the impression that vampires can turn into bats. After trying and failing to on her own she asked when she would be able to do it, as if it were an age or puberty restriction that meant she couldn’t already do so. She then learned about how people have created myths about their species; this particular one was just really funny, a joke even amongst other vampires. But from then on she was their ‘baby bat’ even if she had been disappointed about not being able to turn into one.

Shauna let herself fall into her mothers arms. She felt them leaning back until she was laying her head on her mom. She felt a soothing hand smooth over her back. She closed her eyes and inhaled. There was never anything that smelled as comforting as her mom, except maybe the smell of car grease from helping her dad working on cars, but that only equated in the comfort that it brought. 

“I’m so sorry that I didn’t take you seriously.” Shauna’s mom started. “I should’ve given you respect and turned around when you said you wanted ask me something. I should’ve listened to what you were saying and I should not have laughed at you. That was incredibly rude of me, can you forgive me for that?” She felt Shauna nod against her. Shauna’s mom pulled away to look at her. “I promise to try my best not to do that again, but if I do I want you to tell me. Tell me if I’m being rude, promise?” She held out her pinky.

Shauna held out her own pinky and grabbed her mom’s. They shook them. “I promise,”

“Good,” she kissed Shauna’s hair. “I don’t want to make you feel bad or like you can't talk to me.” 

Shauna nodded again.

“Now,” Shauna’s mom made them sit up. “About becoming Catholic…” She looked to Shauna for the beginning of an explanation. “May I ask why?”

Swallowing, Shauna fiddled with her fingers. “I like some parts of it,” she said. She looked around. “Like the Saints,” her hands gestured vaguely out. Then she regurgitated the same thing she had said to Jackie. “I admire them,” There was more that she was hesitant to say. 

“Have you heard any more about it other than the Saints?”

Shauna nodded. 

This wasn’t some ill-informed decision. Shauna had done some other reading about Catholicism than just the Saints. Of course, she wasn’t an expert by any means, but she could only find out so much from word of mouth or a children's Catholic bible she had been given. It had been given to her by the same woman who had introduced Catholicism to her in the first place. The bible had been given to her by a woman at a school function, some parent who had heard about her and her situation . That’s what people insisted on calling the divorce between her parents. Shauna had heard from the woman about how Catholic’s don’t get divorced. The woman likely didn’t want Shauna to fall down the same path as her situation. And Shauna didn’t know much about any of it, but maybe if she was Catholic, maybe it’d make her situation go away. Shauna would never say as much to anybody, no matter how badly she might want to.

“Okay,” Shauna’s mom nodded. “Well we need to have an important discussion then, if you really want to do this,” She looked to Shauna for whether she was ready or if she gave any sign that she might not actually want to try to convert to Catholicism.

Sitting up in her spot, she nodded, ready to listen to her mom.

“I know that religion can be very comforting to a lot of people, and we haven’t really…” She looked around the room search for the right words. “Committed time into practicing religion, we’ve just kinda went along with the expectation that we be christians, even if we weren’t the kind of ones that went to church.” She looked back to Shauna and took a hand in hers. “There’s comfort for people who believe in a higher power, one that determines whether their soul…” she paused for Shauna, seeing if she needed to explain that. “...will go to heaven or to hell when they die. Our situation is very different from theirs,”

Shauna nodded. Of course she knew there were differences by now, they had been explained. She would have a much longer lifespan than many of those around her given no accidents were to happen and shorten hers. It was just like a regular person with a more normal lifespan anyway, theirs could be cut short too.

“And I don’t want you to think of us as entirely different from them for being vampires and them for being ‘mortals’ or anything. We’re all people here, we just live a little differently is all.” Shauna’s mom said. “There are some good things about church, maybe not a lot historically,” She squeezed Shauna’s hand. “But, it can be good for some people personally. The Bible is called the good book for a reason and it can help teach kindness and compassion for others. There are some people who believe what happened in it actually did happen and some of it may have, but mostly they’re moral stories. Fictional,” She pointed down to Shauna’s copy of Peter Pan. “Like this,”

“Why do they believe most of it happened if it’s just stories?”

“That’s a good question,” She nodded. “Well, the Bible is really old. So, people started to believe in it more and more over time, even the parts that don’t really make sense in reality,” She watched Shauna’s head nod in understanding. “I wanted to make sure you know that, and you don’t have to argue with anyone or try to tell them any differently because they’re going to believe however they want to. I just don’t want you to feel like you need to believe certain things for their sake or for them to force you to believe certain things, okay?”

Shauna furrowed her brows… She knew there was something more to her mom’s words.

“A lot of times, they want other people to think and believe the same ways that they do. The first step in not letting them change who you are is to have your own understanding, with more context than they will be willing to give you. I’ve always wanted to be honest with you, and I especially want to with something as impactful as this.”

“Okay,” Shauna nodded.

Shauna’s mom took a breath. “I know I’ve said a lot about this already, but there are some bad things about congregation- the way people get together and practice religion. Some people take the comfort of religion and the words of the Bible, which have been changed from the original meanings to be… hateful or prejudiced.” She had a serious look on her face. “They use this in order to be, well, hateful and prejudiced. Some of them have decided its their place to tell people they’re going to hell, while still preaching that people should love thy neighbor and saying that only God can judge. And some people do bad things to these people who don’t share their religion or beliefs.”

There was another new feeling forming in Shauna. What she had learned about Catholicism had seemed like exactly what she wanted or perhaps needed; she hadn’t considered that there would be downsides.

Shauna’s mom used her other hand to cup Shauna’s cheek. “I don’t want the church to teach you hate, Shaunie.” The thought of the church dampening the spirit of her child broke her heart. “I don’t want you to pass that sort of judgment on others for being who they are, or on yourself for being who you are. This isn’t just for who you become as you get older, but also because of the kinds of people we are. According to them, we would very likely be considered demons in their eyes. I don’t want you to think that of us either, we’re not creatures from hell even if that’s what they think of us. That’s why it’s so very important that we be careful especially around them.”

Nodding, Shauna did her best to absorb all of the information. “Okay,” They’ve had the ‘we aren’t monsters’ talk before. Shauna internalized that early on. They only do what’s necessary and they don’t kill anybody. But with this new development, she would really need to buckle down with it.

“Speaking of-” She shifted her hand on Shauna’s face to hold her by her chin and squeeze. “Where are your fangs?” She softly shifted Shauna’s face back and forth a bit to get her to open so she could see. She let go of Shauna’s face once she saw the absence of them. A sad look formed on her face. “Sweetheart, you can have them out at home. You don’t ever have to hide yourself here,”

Shauna bared her teeth and let her fangs come back into place. “I know, I just forgot,” She reached up and poked her right fang, making sure it was out. “I put them away for my phone call to Jackie…” She left her voice trail off. Embarrassment crept in. “They kept catching on my lip when I spoke and I didn’t want to stutter on the phone or any questions about it.”

A relieved smile formed on Shauna’s mom’s face. “That’s okay,” she nodded. “I’m proud of you for being careful, but what do we always say?”

“Practice makes perfect,” Shauna repeated their somewhat daily sentiment about Shauna having to get used to her fangs.

“Exactly,” They smiled together. “How about I talk to your dad about it and look into a couple of churches?”

Shauna’s eyes perked up. She had expected this conversation to boil down to her not being allowed to go to a church.

“I will ask around and see if I can find a more suitable church with a good childrens program, maybe even some good sermons?” She offered.

Shauna could only manage to give her mom a giant hug.

It took a little convincing on Shauna’s mom’s part to convince her dad to agree about letting Shauna be her own person and follow through with this part of her explorative journey. They agreed that Shauna went to church with her mom on Sunday’s she was at her mom’s and took a break from it on her dad’s weekends. He wound up agreeing that this would be a good learning experience for her regardless of the end result. 

It had still been a decent wait until Shauna was able to attend a church, but Shauna’s mom proved her commitment in her research. Shauna’s mom had gifted her with a prayer card: Prayer to the Virgin Mary as Untier of Knots. The front depicted Saint Mary, a saint, just like Shauna had said she admired. She even bought the elastic gold string to tie together and drape over two corners, almost as a frame. She had read the prayer several times over and liked the sentiment about undoing the tangles of complication in our lives; she thought that would be good for Shauna. 

Shauna’s mom hadn’t been the only one supportive of her wanting to convert to Catholicism. Jackie had showed her support as well. She encouraged Shauna that her mom would eventually find the right church. She even offered to go with her when Shauna voiced that she was nervous about the impending endeavor. One day, Jackie even showed up with excitement written on her face and a gift in hand. The gift was a pure silver cross pendant held on a chain. The chain itself wasn’t silver but when the pendant touched Shauna’s skin it burned, so she opted to keep it resting on her clothing to ensure that it didn’t burn her again.

Then the fateful Sunday came! Her mom had found a church. She explained the concept of Holy water and consecrated ground to Shauna: Holy water wasn’t to be touched and consecrated ground meant for them not to overstay their welcome.

She had enjoyed church. The children's program had been very lighthearted and she had made a few friends even. She would join her mom in the pews and listen to the rest of the sermon. The sermons were fine, she seemed to care more than most children did, which many parents were very surprised by. The minister took notice and asked Shauna’s mom about baptism for Shauna, which she denied. It was met with confusion, but it was still questioned time and time again with no changes in the answer (even with the offer for herself to be baptized at the same time).

It was around Halloween that the minister gave a sermon about demons walking the earth needing to be eradicated. Shauna hid behind her mom’s arm during that one. She heard all about how demons supposedly coerced people to commit sinful acts. She heard about how these demons needed to be stamped out. Shauna’s mom explained later that they hadn’t really meant people like them, it had been more metaphorical about the vices in peoples’ lives, but Shauna still felt generally uncomfortable. She knew the truth after all, if they knew her for who she really was then they would think she was a demon who needed to be exorcised or killed.

Practicing the Catholic faith never did seem to fix her situation and a part of her felt like it always knew that, but she held out for a while, just in case.

During a children’s sermon, all of the children had been separated from their parents. The kids kneeled on the steps at the front of the church waiting for a blessing to be said over them. Shauna was first in line for this. The minister had pulled out a bowl before he actually started saying the prayers; it was too late for Shauna’s mom to intervene. The minister stuck his hands into the holy water and drew a cross onto her forehead with it as he said his prayer for her. Tears formed in her eyes immediately that she decided to say was out of thankfulness for having been blessed as an excuse to anyone at church who asked. She held out for all of the other kids to be blessed and long enough to not start sobbing while being rushed out by her mom until she reached the car. Later on, she cried while her mom rubbed a soothing ointment over the persisting pain of the burn mark that had formed on her forehead. Then her mom held her for a long time.

After that, Shauna slowly phased out going to church entirely. It took a while, more and more weekends of them not attending. Shauna stopped making herself wear the silver necklace so often either. When she wanted to pray, she’d pull out the prayer card and kneel at her bedside, she'd give herself a silent sermon by reading the bible. Sometimes she would read it while sitting with her mom, but even her Bible sat on her shelf more and more as she fell out of practice.

It still held a place on her bookshelf. Her prayer card found its resting place on her vanity, right where she could see it, and easily grabbed to read as she felt she needed. For the most part, she looked upon it fondly. After having been handled indirectly, the cross necklace Jackie had given her was given a special place in her jewelry box on her vanity. It had its own spot for the chain to lay and something to prop up the cross. Early on she left the box open, but as her practice and attempted faith seemed to be packed away, so did the cross along with it in the closed box.