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Chapter Text

Chapter one: Losing Them

It had taken a single moment for Salem's world to fall apart. She couldn't believe the man standing in front of her was the one she cared for so much. Not in all her wildest dreams, did Salem ever think the Iron Bull would raise his ax against her. But here he was standing in front of the group, axe in hand. Her mind went back to how this started. How Salem Addar lost it all.

Salem made her way back to the small training area in Skyhold. Her crimson hair danced around the horns that wavered backwards on her head. Her grey eyes slowly scanned for her lover. He was supposed to be out here somewhere.

She was saved the trouble of calling out for him when Krem fell ass first from behind the Tavern with a loud 'Oof.' When the young man looked up, he saw the female qunari smiling down at him, her hand extended to raise him from the ground.

"Still having trouble with that shield bash technique?" She snickered at him.

"Don't baby him." a gruff voice caught her attention. The Iron Bull stepped into view a shield in his head and a cocky smirk on his lips. "The War Council finally released you?"

"Well, I was freed but you are requested to the War Room. It looks like Elyssa is going to take the qunari up on their offer." She said, referencing the inquisitor. He walked forward and pulled her into a chaise kiss before handing her his shield.

"See if you can get Krem to do it right."

Salem was sitting cross legged on a crate when The Iron Bull returned. His angry expressions lightened at her small giggling. As he got closer he saw Krem on the ground panting. He had a glean of sweat on his skin and it was obvious that the tanned boy had just laid down. "Working him hard, Boss?"

She tilted her head back with a large smile, but it faded at the tension in his shoulders and the look in his eye. She got up, lightly tapping the boy with her foot. "Go get something to drink. You did good."

Krem didn't say anything but raised a shaky hand with a thumbs up. The Vashoth held her hand out for the large male and he took it without comment as she led him towards her room. Neither said a word until she closed and latched the door. As soon as it was latched, he grabbed Salem in his arms and practically threw her to the bed where he buried his head in her stomach, laying slightly on top of her. "Elyssa doesn't want you on the mission."

"Didn't she tell you why?" Salem said, lightly running her nails around his horns. "In case something happens we don't want the hand and the inquisitor in the same place. I don't think that anything will happen but Leliana insists that meeting a possible new alliance comes with the possibility of betrayal especially…"

"Yeah, I heard that bit." Bull waved his hand. "I just don't like the idea that you won't be on the mission."

"Is this the bodyguard thing again?" Salem smiled down at him. The qunari grumbled into her stomach which caused her to flail and snort as the air tickled her. Once she got herself under control she spoke again. "I'll be here waiting for you when you come home."

Home. Is that what Skyhold had become for him? He felt the woman wrap her arms around him and knew it wasn't Skyhold that felt like home.

Salem knew something was off the moment Bull entered the gate. He passed by her not saying a word and went directly into the tavern. She looked after him sadly only to turn to the inquisitor alone. "Where are they?" The elven woman didn't say anything, but her look said it all. The Chargers weren't coming back. She looked back at tavern and squared her shoulders.

She marched herself towards the tavern and threw open the door. With a gesture and look, the inhabitants quickly left with their mugs. "Bull…" She said softly as if testing the words.

"Don't." His word was a dark warning, promising pain to her if she continued.

"No, you aren't going to drink yourself into a stupor like I did." His singular eye looked down at her as he stood. He had to bend to get into her face. "You promised me that you wouldn't hurt me unless I gave you permission." She told the towering male as he gripped her shoulders in his hands without any force. "I give you permission, if that is what you need."

He slammed her into the wall on the far side from the tavern door. She flinched as her head hit the wall but she didn't say a word to him just looked up at him sadly. And that just pissed him off more. He wanted to shake her until she realized that he didn't want her here. He wanted to be alone and drunk. He wanted… he wanted to go back to the qun. There was a simplicity of being Hissrad, one that afforded him the mindset that those around him were expendable for the most part. That he wouldn't have to feel this pain again.

Salem saw the change in his eye and she knew when he let her go that he made a decision. That decision wasn't to weep and mope around. He looked down at her seeing the skin already starting to darken. "Are you okay?"

"I gave you permission," The red head chuckled, but the spy noticed she didn't answer the question. He hoped that he would be able to one day bring her to Par Vollen and live with him. He knew she wouldn't be able to live under the Qun but he still had a little dream of it. One he may have just smashed to oblivion by taking his frustration and pain out on her shoulders. "Did you want to drink a little?"

"No." He told her, lightly grabbing her hand and dragging her up the stairs to his room. He was going to try to make up for his cruelty. She was the last person left that meant the most to him. He wanted her to know that even if he wasn't able to tell her.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: Losing Her

Salem sat opposite the table with Elyssa, the white haired elven inquisitor, a drink nursed in front of her. Her grey eyes looked hauntedly up at the female as if she had some answers that would just fix everything. "He hasn't been the same since that day. Not really. Now with that whatever he was defeated, I know he is going to go back to the Qun and I think it's going to kill me when he does." Salem said, miserably.

Varrick slapped her on the back. "You're just young."

"It's not that. It's because…"

If there was one thing Salem hated more than anything else, it was being right. She looked up at the female qunari and prepared for a fight with the Viddasala's forces. She knew that the woman had some hidden trick she was waiting to pull out. She just wasn't expecting one that would work so well on her.

"Now, Hisrad, Kill them."

Salem looked over her shoulder in disbelief as Bull pulled his Ax, from his shoulder and ready it. "It's nothing personal… bas." The word felt like the deepest slap to the face. The final nail in the coffin. He had chosen to leave her for the Qun, like she always knew he would. But she never thought it would be like this. She had always thought he would disappear into the night with a single note left or tell her, but not kill those she loved and herself.

"Bull...no Hissrad. I can't let you kill Elyssa." She told him as she pulled out long daggers. "So please back down."

"Stand aside Salem and they will let you leave." He told her. It was a favor for him after his years of service, the qunari wouldn't kill her so long as she didn't force them to. It was now all he could do to convince her to step aside.

"Salem." Elyssa called her name.

"You take care of them." Salem told her friend. "I've got this."

Bull swung his ax down, with enough force to scare her but not to break her guard. She pushed his ax back undaunted and growled softly. She launched herself at him, jabbing the daggers at him but not with the intention to hurt him. Just to make him take steps back to dodge them. The continued their dances as minutes ticked by and the inquisitor finished off the others in the lower room.

"We are going for the dragon." Bull snapped his head to the side after hearing that. He couldn't let them kill the dragon, not this time. The beast was needed for the Qun.

"Salem Move." He knew he was going to have to knock the stubborn woman out if he had any hope of getting to the others in time to stop them. "You're not leaving me any choices here."

She didn't say anything but she threw a dagger at him. He was barely able to move his arm in time to dodge it. If it had landed he would have had a hell of a time swinging his ax. Which he was sure was her plan.

She lifted her dagger and free hand one posed to block the other glowing with a whitish light, her lightning spell.

He breathed in and swung his ax down. The blade of it effortlessly sliding through the air. She would block this blow, deflecting it to the left and shock his arm. She had done this move in spars against him a million times this would be no difference. He would allow it to happen and then grab her arm before pulling her into a choke hold.

It was the one way she would live and he was willing to be the bad guy if it meant she could live.

As the blade came down, Salem's mind was in inner turmoil. She wasn't here anymore. Her mind was years ago. A stupid little girl holding her broken heart in her hands. She hadn't changed. Salem's eyes widened a fraction. She really hadn't changed and she couldn't beat Bull. Not because he was so much bigger or stronger, but simply because her broken little heart couldn't bare to be the one to hurt him. To betray him. So she did the one thing she could think of for him.

As that blade swung down almost slowly, Salem dropped her blade as it made contact with the ax. She let the magic exit her hand and closed her eyes.

Bull noticed the change in her eyes too late. He couldn't stop the weapon as it pierced her chest. She cried out in pain and her eyes scrunched harder. Hand reaching out and snagging on the tooth around his neck. The weight of her body caused the thin chain to break apart with a loud 'twang.'

The motion of her body arching backwards made the qunari's single eye widen in horror. "NO!" He howled as he grabbed her body, the now abandoned ax pulling at her wound as it fell and causing her to hiss. "Hey. What the hell?!" He couldn't believe she had done that. Salem wasn't one to give up so why was she now? He pressed large hands to the gaping hole desperately trying to stop the blood from flowing. "Why would you do that?!"

She looked up at him, grey eyes starting to lose their focus. He searched his pockets for his vile of elfwood. The large man uncorked it and pressed it to her lips. She weakly drank but the wound didn't shut. He pressed his forehead to her's and whispered to her. "Please," He couldn't lose her. Not after it all. "I made a deal for you to live. Please don't die."

She rubbed his arm gently, smearing blood across it. A weak smile graced her face coming out more like a grimace. "It's okay. I…" She stopped in a fit of little coughs. "I knew you were leaving me. It couldn't have gone any differently. I expected it."

The words were like a slap to the face. She expected it from him? It was like a barbed arrow sinking into his flesh. The more he tried to dislodge the thought the more it would tear at him.

He couldn't focus on anything other than keeping her alive though. It was all he cared about now. All he cared about at that moment. He would leave the Qun and help stop them if only she lived. "I'm sorry Salem. I lo…" The word never left him and it never would again as a small hand covered his mouth leaving the area tinted with blood and she closed her eyes.

"K...a...toh." Her breath wooshed out of her lungs as her breathing stuttered and then stopped. The hand that was covering his mouth dropped like a stone in the lake.

"Salem…" He shook her shoulder, even though he knew she was gone. Some vain hope that it would cause her to respond. Like waking up from a dream. But she lay still and his chest tightened. He pulled her body to him cradling it in his chest like she was asleep. Tears pricked his eyes as he gently rocked her back and forth. "Salem."

He heard the others coming up the stairs, but he didn't move. He didn't care. A gasped 'no' from Elyass alerted him to how close they were and he still made no move to get up. He just kept rocking the small woman's body as his pants and chest became sticky and warm. Still he rocked her as if she were a child who had woken from a nightmare. He felt someone grab each of his arms to haul him up. He allowed them to direct him to his feet with the body still in his arms. Someone tried to take her from him, but in this hazy state of grief he didn't recognize who. He couldn't just give her to anyone, they wouldn't take care of her so he held on to her tightly and turned away from the outstretched hands. Reaching, trying to take her from him.

The haze was punctured by a icy voice he did recognize instantly

"Give her to me." The voice was harder than he had ever heard it and he looked up to see Dorian glaring up at him. "Now." The Vint did nothing to hide his fury and sadness like he would usually do. Instead, his face was pulled down in almost a snarling grimace, and his hands were outstretched either to take the woman or light him up. However, Bull knew this was the only person he could trust her to. He wouldn't carelessly throw Salem's body or mishandle it. He was safest for her.

So he gave the smaller man his bundle, gently resting her head on Dorian's shoulder and he watched as the mage sagged slightly under her weight but he stood tall. Bull then felt the rope that wrapped his wrist together behind his back.

The Iron Bull looked down as he was restrained. His half of the dragon tooth lay on the ground near his feet, chain broken and stained slightly red. It was a haunting visual of the relationship, and life, he had just ended. Snapped and cast away on the cold ground.

His mind and heart hurt. Because Salem had never said "Katoh" before and he had never told her how he felt, not even when she gave him his half of the dragon's tooth.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: Losing It

The Iron Bull knelt in front of the inquisitor to be judged for his crime. The murder of the Hand of the Iquisitor and the dear friend of most of the Inqusition's top echelon. The last few days had taken a toll on the large qunari. He hadn't even washed the blood from his arms and his harness was now stained. It was a reminder that he couldn't escape. He was sure that it was the reason they hadn't let him clean.

The white haired elf was sitting legs crossed and arms resting on her knees. She was glaring down at him with an expression that had never been directed at him before. "What should I call you?"

He looked up at the tiny woman. He knew what she was asking. Was he going to be tried as a friend of the inquisition who knowingly murdered a fellow or as an enemy who was just doing his job? He grunted out. "The Iron Bull."

She leaned back in her throne and sighed. "As an enemy, I would have just had you beheaded and been done with it. But you know as a betrayer, I will show you no such mercy. So I have my decision. Iron Bull." He knew she deliberately left out 'The' as a form of distaste. "You have murdered the Hand of the Inquisitor in cold blood. Many here were her friends and would gladly see you hanged. However, I will not do that. You are sentenced to life imprisoned here in Skyhold. You will live with the life you took and repent. I hope you never find the forgiveness you will so desperately seek." The woman stood, almost regally, and walked past him not so much saying a word to him.

He said nothing, no word of defense or anger. He deserved what he was getting. A quick death would have been merciful and swift. But he doubted that anyone wanted to see him have mercy. With the look the Commander of the Inquisition was giving him, there was no shortage of people who wanted to be the one who took his life.

He was led down to the dungeon and he didn't fight it. He just let himself be dragged into the cell. He sat down and waited for something to happen. It was a week before anything did.

Bull's life was pretty much the same from day to day. He sat in his cell and was fed three times a day. When no one was around his mind wandered to the pretty red head that often occupied his mind. She was a big part of his life for a year and even the 2 years they were semi separated. Most of the time he thought of happy memories, that were tainted by the fact he had ended her life, he was the reason she would no longer smile or laugh at a dick joke again.

His dreams were a mixture of pleasant memories and brutal death. He hated himself more than he could say to anyone but it was Dorian who was about to make him hate himself more than he could have thought possible.

"Comfy?" The Tevinter's voice echoed in the small cage. The Iron Bull looked up to see the mage settling into a chair in a way that screamed he was better than you. Bull didn't say anything to him but waited for whatever the mage was going to do. Kill him if he was lucky. "Very articulate aren't you? I came down here because I can't help but feel like you don't know the full extent of what you did."

"You mean when my ax killed the last person I loved? Yeah, kinda feel like I got that pretty in hand." The qunari spit out vehemently.

"You know for a spy, supposedly the best spy, you really didn't know about her." Dorian shook his head in mock sadness. "So, we are gonna have a nice bedtime story. I can't imagine you get much in the form of 'entertainment' down here."

The way he said that put Bull on edge. Dorian was Salem's friend, her best friend after Tally and Lue, but here he was to 'entertain' him with a bedtime story? He knew whatever Dorian had to say, he wasn't going to want to hear. So Iron Bull kept his trap shut and listened. It was what he deserved for taking her life. The one life that truly mattered.

"Just so you know, you weren't the first person Salem loved and you aren't the first person to betray her. You are just the one to finish the job." Yep, Bull didn't want to hear this story. "She told us, right after Corephyus was defeated that she knew that losing you to the Qun was going to kill her. I guess that was just another thing she was right about." The Iron Bull gripped the side of the bed he was sitting on tighter. Had she been so sure he was going to leave her? So much so she confided in someone other than him? He wasn't sure why that stung as much as it did.

I expected it. Her words rang in his ears.

"Anyways." Dorian continued after shaking the sadness from his face. "The person she loved before you was named Raven. She was everything to Salem. The one person aside from Her parents and Tally, to see her as something other than an 'Ox man.' She had made Salem feel like a person."

The Iron Bull listened intently, he knew the story wouldn't end well. That wasn't why Dorian was down here, it was to hurt him with words. Something he was doing well. The tevinter knew just how to twist that barbed arrow to make it plunge even deeper into his heart.

"Raven asked her to meet her in the woods all secluded and the perfect place to kill someone. And Salem thought nothing of it because she is Salem. Of course she trusted Raven not to hurt her, much like she did you." And there it was, the stinging regret and guilt. "So she followed Raven's instructions, and met her there. Luckily, Tally was an overprotective guardian who didn't trust Raven. Is any of this sounding familiar? Ringing any bells?"

Yes, it was. It hit painfully close to home. It was just too bad that Tally hadn't been there to stop him. Maybe, if he had been she wouldn't have died.

"So, she met the girl there and as Salem stared out at the beautiful scenery that was around her she heard Raven say something. How she thought it was hilarious that Salem thought anyone could love her" Dorian paused for effect. "When Salem turned around, the woman plunged the dagger into her chest. Oh, how hurt she was and do you want to know why Salem was almost killed that day? Because Raven was tasked to kill her by your precious Qun the same as she was with Tally. Only this time, Raven went through with it."

Bull roared with indignation and hurled his bed at the mage. He knew that Dorian was telling the truth, his body language told him he wasn't lying as far as the mage knew. The qunari wanted to deny that Qun would send someone to kill her but he knew that with Salem's magic that was probably correct.

"I made a deal to keep her alive. I just had to stop all of you." It was weak and Bull knew that. In the end, she died and they lived. It didn't matter what his intentions were. "It wasn't supposed to happen this way."

"Yes, because accidents don't happen right?" Dorian rose from his chair dropping something into it and started to the door at the far end of the room. He stopped at the door to look back at the qunari. "Did you know she died still thinking she was unlovable?" The vent just shut the door after him, not expecting any response but just let the words burrow under the large man's skin. The Bull knew Dorian expected those words to run round and round his mind and drive him crazy and he knew that was exactly what was going to happen.

Bull closed his eyes and let his head bang against the bars, he was probably right and she couldn't bare to hear him say that he loved her in the end. The one thing she couldn't handle from him. He thought he heard the door close and glancing up he was startled to see just outside of his bars was the very woman who was occupying his mind. She looked alive and more real than most of what he felt like around him. She was looking at the chair where the mage had sat. On it was a very familiar tooth. His half of the dragon's tooth. She looked at it sadly. The embodiment of her love cast aside and abandoned, broken and left to rot. When she didn look to him, he saw her grey eyes were glassy as if she was tearful.

She said nothing to him. When Bull reached his hand out of the bars, his fingers grazed her arm and she drifted away like ash in the wind. He looked down at his hand and could see the blood he washed off weeks ago still there.

The man howled slamming his fist on the bars while the red head woman sat silently in the chair watching him. Judging him. On some days he begged her to talk to him, others he just quietly apologized and confessed to her unphased form.

Skyhold heard him on very rare nights when she didn't appear onto him. Him calling out for her. Forever chasing a figment of his mind.