Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Oh? Well, this is a surprise! Usually, I'm not on this end of the camera," Joker said politely. The clown read the sign behind him. In purple and green neon lights, it read The Joker Show. Joker's mouth hung open a little. "Now, wait just a minute. Harley has a show, too. I'm not going to be her competition. The fan-base would eat me alive," Joker said, a small look of terror on his face. 

"Oh, it's not like that! See, after that episode where you ran for mayor in season 3, a lot of people became interested in you, so they thought we'd do a little Q&A. This is still part of the Harley Quinn show," King Shark explained. 

"This is your turn to tell everyone what it's like to be an actor," Clayface sung. 

"Which one even are you? You aren't Basil Carlo; he never did falsetto," Joker said. Clayface ignored him. 

"I don't know why they're giving you your own Q&A, what you did to Harley was terrible. Why when I was back in nam--" Cyborgman said.

"Didn't you die in season 2?" Joker asked. 

"Harley figured out a way to bring him back," Dr. Psycho said. "Oh, and I'm a telepath, so you better not try to lie to us, okay?" he said. 

"They seriously brought you back to the series, Dr. Potty Mouth?" Joker quipped.

"Why wouldn't they? I'm brilliant, I'm well-read--" Dr. Psycho said. 

"You're about two feet tall, and didn't you try to kill Harley with the Riddler's help?" Joker asked. "I don't remember, because I wasn't exactly myself," he said in a low voice.  

 "Look who's talking. The guy who killed Poison Ivy, beat up Harley Quinn, and made Gotham a No Man's Land!" Dr. Psycho yelped. 

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I am the antagonist in this particular show, and pretty much every DC show that features me," Joker said in a tired voice. "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the work, but sometimes I'd like to stop being typecast," Joker said. "Well, I guess I shouldn't complain. At least as of now, I have a wife and children again. I'm almost back to the old pre-Joker me," Joker said. "...and if any of you try to make my new family disappear, I might make you disappear, got it?" Joker growled. 

"That's awesome, just wonderful," Poison Ivy said in a tired sarcastic voice. 

"Ivy? Where's Harley?" Joker asked. 

"She's not in this studio, but she told me to give you a message--" Ivy said. She moved her hand, and Joker noticed the potted plant on the table sprout a long vine that quickly approached him.  

"It amounts to if you say anything bad about Harley, you're dead meat," Frank, the potted plant creature, said. 

"Thank you, Frank, I could have told him," Ivy said.

"If I do end up saying something non-PC, they can edit it out in post, Ivy," Joker growled. 

"Hey, it's your funeral. We just came to give you the message," Frank said. Ivy stood up to leave, and Frank trailed behind her. 

Joker looked around the studio and noticed the others were still there. "Well, I don't mean to be rude, but why are all of you still here?" Joker asked. 

"Harley sent us to stay here and keep an eye on you," King Shark said. 

"Yeah, she wants us to make sure you don't blow up the studio or whatever," Dr. Psycho said. 

Joker let out a sigh. "If I did that, though, wouldn't you all--nevermind, I can see why she doesn't trust me, but you needn't be worried about that. My wife's house isn't too far from here, and you'd be more than crazy if you think I'd harm what's mine," Joker said. "So, let's get on with the interview, I guess," Joker said disinterestedly. "I wonder if this is how it feels to be under house arrest?" Joker grumbled.

"Okay, question number one, how long has the Joker been operational in Gotham?" King Shark asked. 

Joker bit his cheek. Should I tell them the truth this time or should I lie? The Joker pressed his lips together. "Already with the hard questions, huh? Joker's probably been active in Gotham since there's been a Gotham," Joker said. 

Dr. Psycho made a buzzer sound. "Unk! Wrong! You're lying. I'm a telepath; I can tell," Dr. Psycho said. 

The Joker sighed. "No, I'm not lying. You just haven't been paying attention," the clown said. 

"Gotham's been around for several hundred years. Are you trying to tell us you're actually several hundred years old?" King Shark asked. 

"Do you want me to tell you the truth or lie to you?" Joker asked. 

Sighs of frustration came from the ones interviewing him. "Look, we were just trying to get you to answer some questions for the audience, but if you want to be difficult, we don't have to do this," King Shark said. 

"And I mean if you're going to do nothing but subject us to Joker's Storytime, I don't think we should waste our time," Dr. Psycho said. 

The Joker sighed. "Sorry, but you're not inside of my head; sometimes it's a bit confusing in here," he said. "I think the correct answer is seventy-five or eighty. I showed up about when Batsy did," Joker said. 

"So now you're trying to tell us you're around seventy-five years old?" Dr. Psycho asked.  

"That can't be true. Batman is not geriatric," King Shark said. "That isn't true, is it?" King Shark asked. 

"I'm getting that he actually believes it is; my telepathic senses aren't picking up dishonesty," Dr. Psycho said.

"Is the Joker actually crazy?" King Shark asked in a whisper.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't know what was going on," the Joker said. "Anyway, I guess I'm done with the questions. If we're going to do it like this, I don't want--" 

Dr. Psycho cut him off. "Wait a minute. I think you're hiding something. We should go inside your mind and see what's really going on," he said. 

"I'm not used to anyone being inside of my head; that place is kind of a mess," Joker said, "but if you think it'll help us with the interview," he lowered his head into a bow, showing off his green hair, "go on ahead." 

"That is really suspicious; why would Joker just let us go into his head?" King Shark asked.

"I dunno, but I'm ready to do it. I'm kind of curious about what's in there," Dr. Psycho said.  

"I am curious to know why Joker thinks he's older than me...okay, I'm in," Cyborgman said.

"I don't see how it would hurt," Clayface said with trepidation. 

The four locked arms and squeezed their glutes together. Joker interrupted them. "I never really understood why you need to do that," Joker said. 

"Do what?" Dr. Psycho asked. 

"Shouldn't the psychic energy work without having to make your butt smaller?" Joker asked. 

Dr. Psycho shot him a look. "Whatever, let's go," he said as he zapped Joker with psychic energy. 

Immediately, Joker, Dr. Psycho, Clayface, Cyborgman, and King Shark were thrown into the Joker's mind. Eerie laughter played on loop as they landed on a stage surrounded by a swirling void. 

"What the hell is this?" Dr. Psycho asked. 

"And where did the Joker go?" King Shark asked. "Come to think of it, why did we take him anyway?" 

"I didn't think about not including him," Dr. Psycho answered. 

"Oh, this isn't good," Clayface said. 

Chapter Text

Harley sat in the chair and let out a loud sigh. "So, I heard you threw a fit about being typecast," she said. 

"Yeah? What's it to you?" the Joker growled. 

"She's here to help you," Batman growled. Joker's eyes lit up slightly when he saw the cape and cowl. 

"Bats? I don't understand. What's going on here?" Joker asked. 

"Not everyone thinks having the Joker's perspective on this show is a bad thing," Harley said. 

"I've heard of short-term memory, but this takes the cake. Harley, you're the one who tried to have it cancelled in the first place!" Joker said. 

"No, she's not," Batman explained. 

Joker raised an eyebrow. "Come again?" he asked. 

"I'm not your Harley Quinn. I'm from another dimension. They used me on the show to portray Harley's sane side," she explained. 

"They did? That's wonderfully strange," the Joker said, eyes glinting and giving a hungry smile. "I guess it kind of makes sense, though; after all, in her current state, she can't pull that off herself," he said.

Harley narrowed her eyes at him and glared. Joker smiled in response. "Can you handle this? I don't think I'm getting through to him," she said.

Batman walked up to the Joker and pulled him by the collar. "Now, listen here. Your little outburst almost cost Harley her show. That's why she asked to have your section of the show cancelled. You were just being the pig-headed abusive ex out for revenge," Batman spat. 

"And yet you brought me another version of Harley? Why?" Joker asked. "Not a good move, Bats," Joker said as he took her hand. He noticed a ring. 

"We're married, Joker," Batman explained. 

"Wha--? You?" Joker looked back and forth between Harley and Batman, then started giggling. "Oh wow, both of my exes decided to get together," Joker quipped. "I knew you had a thing for clowns, Bats." 

Harley let out another sigh. "I'm not a clown," she said. 

"Don't let Joker get to you. We all know his tricks. We all know he'll go for the pain points, if he can find them," Batman whispered to Harley. She nodded in response.  

"I can hear you, you know," Joker said. 

"Right," Harley said, straightening herself back up. "So, Joker, why did you fuck up your interview on the Harley Quinn show?" she asked. 

"Temper temper other Harley. I only told the truth," Joker said. 

Harley scoffed. "Your version of it," she said.

"Nothing really matters because we all live in a made up world, and you know it. Paper and ink, Harley, paper and ink," Joker said. 

"Nothing really matters, so you decided it would fun to kill Harley's friends?" Harley asked.

"You know that they would have eventually returned me to the role of the antagonist," Joker said. 

"What if they didn't?" Harley said. 

"That's never happened before," Joker said. 

"Yeah, and it probably won't happen since you proved what a piece of shit you really are," Harley said. 

Batman put his hand on her shoulder. "Harley, you're getting worked up; I think we need to--" 

Harley ignored Batman and grabbed Joker by the collar. "You have no idea what you just did, do you? They might have been setting up a whole rehabilitation arc for you; you might have gotten time to spend with your family, to one-up racist, sexist, xenophobic Karens, and to take on the criminal underworld while Harley's becoming a superhero!"

"Well, the last one sounds fun," Joker said.  

"Yeah, but now you're probably just going to get killed off. Leave the show for real," Harley said. 

"If they do that, please promise you'll find someone to take care of Bethany and my children, please," Joker said. Harley slapped him across the face. 

"Ouch! What was that for?" Joker asked. 

"Should I explain or you?" Batman asked Harley. 

"You explain. I'm going outside for some fresh air," she said. 

Batman punched Joker in the face. "Ouch! She said 'explain,' not beat me up, Bats!" Joker said. 

"Joker, in Harley's, my wife's, universe, you and her had children together, and you threatened to kill them just to spite her," Batman explained, his glare darkening. "She had to kill you first to save her children."