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Chapter Text

“I did want to take your hand. Rey’s hand.”

The violent shivers that went through Ren’s body had nothing to do with the freezing water drenching her skin and clothes. She stared ahead at the scavenger boy running away from her as if he already regretted healing her. Maybe he did. Of course he did. Maybe he only healed her out of pity because Leia was dead.

Leia . . . Mom, she forced herself to think the word even though doing so felt like another lightsaber stab. Mom had called out through the Force to her daughter, sending so much love and giving her life in the process even though her daughter wasn’t worth sacrificing for. Mom was dead and Dad was dead and Ben was . . . gone. Stealing her TIE Fighter, no less. Well fine, let him have it - it wasn’t like Ren was going back to the First Order any time soon. Let them think their Supreme Leader was dead.

Still she shivered and stared, watching the TIE disappear into the sky, taking with it the only person left in the galaxy who might possibly care for her, and even that was a feeble hope.

“I did want to take your hand. Rey’s hand.”

Her heart raced. Ben did want her hand - and yet he didn’t. He wanted a phantom’s hand. The same phantom Mom and Dad had died for. The exposed skin where Ben had stabbed her and then healed her felt cold, as if it were aching for his touch.

She kept staring even though the TIE was long out of sight, as if staring long enough would summon it back. The freezing water kept splashing over the side of the wreckage, drenching her further as questions ran through her mind.

Where would she go now?

What would she do?

Who was she now?

. . .

Leia was dead.

Ben had almost killed Leia’s daughter.

Those two thoughts raced through Ben’s mind as he took off, not daring to look back. Leia was dead, he’d almost killed Leia’s daughter, Leia was dead, he’d almost killed Leia’s daughter, Leia was dead, he’d almost killed Leia’s daughter, Leia was dead, he’d almost killed Leia’s daughter!

Rey . . .

He blinked away tears, fiercely willing himself not to turn back, trying not to imagine himself embracing her. The vision he’d seen of himself on the Sith throne, himself as a Sith, the triumph he’d felt when he impaled Rey with her own lightsaber . . . it was all proof that the darkness inside him was too powerful. He couldn’t trust himself anymore.

He had to leave.

. . .

Both halves of the dyad woke at the same time as they usually did when they swapped memories in their dreams. They both breathed, blinked at each other in the darkness, taking a few moments to remember their true identities. Those few moments after waking, when neither one quite remembered who they were, still made both their hearts race and brought a bit of lightheadedness.

Even after twenty years.

He closed his eyes, breathing in, breathing out. Ben . . . he was Ben. The woman lying next to him - except she wasn’t actually next to him since the Force had linked them - she was Rey, the other half of the dyad, the one who had saved him many years ago.

His wife.

After another deep breath, he opened his eyes, seeing his wife glowing red from the prison cell’s forcefield. Though she’d gained weight in the years since the memory in the dream actually happened and wrinkles were starting to pull at her face, she was still as beautiful as ever. She reached over and brushed her hand over his cheek, tempting him to close his eyes once again and absorb the tender touch of her callused hand.

“Are you all right?” she whispered.

“Well, I just dreamed that I was you and it was right after Mom died, but other than that I’m okay.” Ben tried to ignore how his stomach was still jumping even though they were awake.

“I’m not talking about the dream,” said Rey, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear. “You’re afraid, I can feel it.”

“Why would I be afraid?”

“Ben,” she said in her no-nonsense voice, “you know perfectly well that we can’t hide our feelings from each other.” Her hand cradled the back of his neck as she stared into his eyes. “Now tell me, what’s bothering you?”

Ben felt his lips start to tremble. “Rey, I . . .” He trailed off, instead fumbling for her free hand and raising it to his lips, kissing her knuckles as if trying to distract himself.

“Is it about getting out of prison?” she asked in a small, comforting voice.

His heart jumped. ”Why . . . why would I be afraid of that? I’ve been in here for over twenty damn years - no sane person would be afraid of getting out!”

“That might be exactly why you’d be afraid,” said Rey, staring into his eyes once again. “Even back on Jakku, when I was counting the days since my parents left and I was hoping every day that they’d come back, I still got nervous at the thought of it actually happening.” She planted her own kiss on his hand. “Change can be scary, even change you’ve been longing for for years.”

Ben rolled to his back, letting his wife’s hand slip off his head. “But I shouldn’t be afraid of it. I mean, look at us - we’ve been married almost twenty years but we’ve never actually lived together! I spent Gavin’s entire childhood in prison!” He felt a lump forming in his throat at the mention of their adopted son. “Gavin, is he doing all right since he moved out?”

“I think so. He calls me almost every day - he says his roommates are nice, but he’s still getting used to not having me around all the time.” Again she reached over and caressed his cheek. “I think he also misses being able to talk to you when the Force links us, but we’ll both be there to take you home when you get out.”

“Home . . .” Ben repeated. “You know, I’ve never actually seen your apartment.”

He heard Rey swallow as she squeezed his shoulder. “Well, you’ll get to see it in two days and you’ll love it. Think of it, in two days we can live together like a normal married couple.”

“Normal . . . except that we’ve never been normal.”

There was a slight smile on Rey’s face. “Well, you’re definitely right there, and it won’t be easy for any of us.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “But Gavin and I will be there for you and we’ll all get through this together.”

Ben let out a sigh through his nose, wrapping his arm around his wife and kissing her lips, savoring her familiar taste, wishing they were in the same space and he didn’t have to worry about her disappearing at any moment. Two days. Two days and they’d be together for real.

Together . . . but then what?

Chapter Text

After Ben helped save the kidnapped children on Geonosis many years ago, the Resistance generals had argued for a “lighter sentence,” which not only meant he didn’t get life, but it also meant that he was able to have his meals in the prison cafeteria. Of course, the cafeteria was still a gray windowless box with guards everywhere, but at least it was a larger box than his cell and it gave him a chance to talk with his fellow prisoners.

“Hey, can I sit?”

Ben looked up and there was Neven Daru, a fellow prisoner who’d been sentenced around five years after Ben was. Though Neven was about Rey’s age, he always seemed younger to Ben, perhaps because of his round, boyish face and scruffy mess of blonde hair.

“Sure,” said Ben.

“So,” Neven said as he sat next to Ben and rather noisily placed his tray on the table, “finally a free man tomorrow, eh?”

“Out of prison, at least,” said Ben, absentmindedly poking his fork at his salad. “You can bet they’ll still keep an eye on me afterwards.”

“But still, you’ll be out.” Neven stuck a forkful of nerf steak into his mouth in an exaggerated manner. “Meanwhile, they get to take care of me for another decade. Maybe if I regretted killing my own dad like you do, I’d have gotten some generals arguing for me too.”

Ben inadvertently flinched.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to disrespect your old man,” said Neven. “Hell, I wish your old man was also my old man instead of my old man being the abusive prick he was.”

“Can we talk about something else?” Ben quickly asked.

“Okay, sorry,” said Neven. “Hey, you’ll have your wife and kid greeting you tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” said Ben, “except my ‘kid’ is twenty-four years old.”

“Before my mom died, she’d say I’d always be her kid no matter how old I got.”

Ben actually felt a half-grin pulling at his face. “My dad would say the same thing about me.”

“There, see? Gavin’s still your kid. Hell, you’re lucky to have a family to come home to - when I get out, I don’t know where the hell I’m gonna go.”

Ben took a bite of the tasteless salad, chewing it thoughtfully. “Maybe you could look us up. My wife might be able to help you find a job - she knows people who know people.”

“You think so?” Neven’s eyebrow went up as if he didn’t expect any sort of help.

“Maybe. I mean, I don’t know where we’ll be when you get out.”

Neven shrugged. “Well, it’s not for ten years anyway. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”

Ben didn’t answer as he suddenly took a long gulp of water. That bridge - it had seemed so far away all these years, when did he find himself right at it? Moreover, what was on the other side of the bridge beyond being able to finally live with his wife and see his son on a regular basis? Being a free man meant becoming part of the outside world again, contributing to society, getting a job.

But who would hire Kylo Ren?

. . .

Gavin Solo flopped down on his bed, exhausted from a day of stocking department store shelves, thankful for the quiet, thankful that he’d opted not to go out with his roommates tonight. Sharing an apartment with three of his college classmates was - well, it was noisy, much noisier than living with his mom, but he supposed that was part of the whole growing-up thing. The growing-up thing would probably be easier when he found a better-paying job (wasn’t having a degree in computer programming supposed to make people want to hire you?) and could afford to have his own place, but for now he’d have to deal with arguments about whose turn it was to buy groceries or do laundry, sharing a tiny bedroom with his roommate Lindin (who snored), and his other roommates Tai and Hamda (sisters) always having friends over.

He kicked off his shoes, pulled off his socks, and wiggled his toes, trying to wiggle away the soreness from standing up most of the day. That was another reason to look for a better job - it would be nice to do something that wasn’t so physically draining.

After huffing and puffing for a few minutes, he reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his holocom. Maybe the whole growing-up thing also meant eventually moving past calling your mother every day, but he wasn’t at that point yet and he wasn’t in any hurry to get there.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Rey’s hologram answered.

“Hey, Mom,” said Gavin, placing the com on his chest so he could lie back while talking. “How are things? Did you talk to Dad today?”

“Not yet,” said Rey. “The Force can be unpredictable about when it links us, but we’ll both get to see him tomorrow - you are coming, right?”

Gavin nodded. “Luckily my boss is understanding about the whole Dad-getting-released-from-prison thing.”

“Good.” Rey gave him a warm, motherly smile. “Are you doing all right? Do you need me to bring you anything?”

Gavin looked up at the tiny room. The posters of favorite pod racers and singers covering the walls, his old art desk pushed into a corner, even Chewie Junior - Ben’s old toy Wookiee that he’d passed on to Gavin - sitting at the foot of his bed. “No, I don’t think so. I mean, work’s a little tiring, but that’s to be expected.”

“Well, you let me know if you think of anything.”

“I will.” Gavin stifled a yawn. “Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think Dad’s gonna be okay? I mean, kids at school used to bully me cause my dad used to be Kylo Ren and even in college I got some dirty looks. If that happened to me, what’s gonna happen to Dad?”

Rey’s eyes lowered. “I don’t know. The past isn’t easily forgotten, even twenty years later. Sure, he helped rescue you and the other kids, but to many people that isn’t enough. I still occasionally see a tabloid claiming that I’m biding my time with my husband to take over the galaxy.”

Gavin felt a strangeness in the pit of his stomach. “Mom . . . if I’d known Dad when he was Kylo Ren, would I be scared of him?”

Rey’s eyes lowered further. “I think it would be pretty hard not to be scared of him. He was scared of himself.”

“When did you know?”

Finally she looked back up at him. “Know what, honey?”

“That Ben Solo was still in there?”

Her mouth twisted slightly. “I thought I knew when we first touched hands through our Force connection, but I was also naive enough to think that just talking to him would be enough to draw him out. I didn’t realize how tightly Kylo Ren had Ben in his grasp. After he crowned himself Supreme Leader, I thought he was lost forever, but looking back, I don’t think I ever truly gave up on him.”

Gavin swallowed. “But the galaxy’s a different story, isn’t it? They gave up on Dad a long time ago.”

“Well . . . I guess we’ll have to wait and see there.”

Chapter Text

Had Coruscant’s sun always been so bright that it would give you a headache, or had Ben just grown unaccustomed to sunlight after spending so many years inside? As the guards led him outside - outside - he found that he could only open his eyes for a few seconds at a time before needing to close them again, and even then the annoying spots followed him behind his eyelids.

“Ben!”

But headache or no, he would open his eyes for his wife. Almost before he processed his wife, son, and family droid D-O standing on the landing platform in front of Rey’s dark green speeder, she was throwing her arms around him and in another second they were kissing, not caring that Gavin and the guards were watching.

“Mrs. Solo,” a guard intervened after a few moments, “a moment, please?”

“Yes, of course,” said Rey, pulling out of the embrace and giving her husband one more peck on the cheek. “Just a moment, Ben.”

“Fr-friend!” D-O exclaimed, rolling up to Ben the moment Rey let go of him.

“Hey, little buddy,” said Ben, grinning at the droid.

“Y-you get to live with us now,” D-O said as if it was news.

“That’s what they tell me,” said Ben, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m spending the night with you too,” said Gavin, wrapping his arm around his father’s shoulders. “Then when the weekend comes, we can all go out together.”

Ben wanted to say something about how he was so proud of Gavin, but once he felt his son’s touch, he threw his arms around him, squeezing him in the tightest hug he could manage, savoring the ability to hug his son without Rey needing to hold some part of Gavin in order to keep him from accidentally ending up in Ben’s cell.

He didn’t realize he was crying until Gavin pulled out of the embrace and wiped his father’s eyes.

“It’s all right, Dad,” said Gavin.

Ben sniffled, blinking at his son’s freckled face, his mess of brown hair, the hint of stubble on his chin. “When did you grow up?” he murmured, his heart hammering with pride.

Gavin shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t think I have fully grown up yet.”

“Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”

“What do you think you’ll see if I do?”

“The face of my son.”

Suddenly his throat went dry, his father’s desperate face filling his mind, those eyes begging for his son to come home . . .

“Dad?” Gavin asked.

Ben swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut to keep the tears in. “I’m okay, just thinking about your grandfather, that’s all.”

Again Gavin brushed his hand over his father’s eyes. “Hey, I bet Grandpa and Grandma are watching from wherever the afterlife is and they’re proud of you.”

Ben took a deep breath as he opened his eyes and placed his hand on his son’s cheek, much like Han had placed his own hand on his son’s cheek so many years ago. “They’d have loved you so much.”

“All right,” said Rey, striding up to her family and preventing the conversation from going any further. “We’re all ready!”

“What did the guards want to talk to you about?” Gavin asked.

“Just letting me know that officers will be periodically visiting us to check on how Ben’s doing,” Rey said before pressing a kiss on Ben’s lips. “Come on, let’s go home.”

“Home . . .” Ben repeated as if it were a word in a foreign language. Had he ever really had a home since his parents sent him to train with Luke? Luke’s temple wasn’t exactly home, the First Order wasn’t ever home, and prison definitely wasn’t home.

“Ben, come home.”

What would home have been like if he’d come home with Han? Would he have still married Rey? Would they have still rescued the children and adopted Gavin?

Was it wrong to worry that he wouldn’t have found his new family if he’d gone back to his old one?

. . .

“Here we are!”

Rey gave a grand gesture as she entered the apartment and Ben could only stare. The dark green carpet, the plants arranged on both sides of the fireplace, the flower-patterned sofa and chairs, the wall-sized window overlooking the cityscape, the holos of Rey and Gavin on the walls.

“Home!” said D-O, rolling in and craning his neck up at Ben. “H-home!”

Ben felt his eyes well up as Rey’s hand slipped into his. He imagined Rey and Gavin playing on the carpet when he was a little boy, the two of them wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa while watching the holovid, Gavin and his friends having sleepovers.

All without him . . .

“Home,” he repeated.

. . .

“I could take you to see my apartment tomorrow after work,” Gavin was saying over dinner. “You could meet my roommates.”

“Your roommates,” Ben said in a low, uncertain voice. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, you know . . .”

“Dad, relax,” said Gavin. “They know about how you helped save me and the other kids and how if it weren’t for you, I’d probably be a stormtrooper now.”

“That doesn’t mean they’ll want to meet me.”

“Gavin,” Rey intervened, “we should let your father adjust to being out of prison at his own pace.”

“Sorry.”

Ben didn’t answer as he took a large bite of the Corellian stew Rey had made. So meaty, so spicy, so flavorful, almost as good as Han used to make when Ben was a child. Almost.

No, don’t start crying just from thinking about Han’s cooking . . .

“This is good,” he said once he swallowed. “Really good.”

Rey’s mouth twisted in that cute way it always did when she was embarrassed. “I just followed a recipe from the HoloNet, that’s all.”

“Well it’s delicious,” said Ben. “Maybe you could teach me to cook sometime. I mean, it’s not something you learn in the First Order and definitely not something you learn in prison.”

“I’d like that,” said Rey, smiling at her husband.

. . .

Like the living room, Rey’s bedroom - no, their bedroom, Ben quickly reminded himself - had family holos covering the walls. Gavin’s school holos from various years. Gavin’s high school graduation. Gavin’s college graduation. Rey and young Gavin playing at the beach. Rey and Gavin at a party with Lando, Chewie, Finn, Poe, Rose, Jannah, and Rose and Jannah’s two children Paige and Landa.

The only holo that had Ben in it was one the prison had allowed to be taken at their wedding - Rey in a white dress and veil held in place with Leia’s old hair clips and Ben in the gray prison uniform.

One holo . . .

“It’s like I wasn’t part of your lives at all . . .” he found himself muttering just as Rey entered the room carrying Han’s old light blue pajamas that Ben had given him as a birthday gift in another life.

“You were part of our lives,” Rey insisted, putting her hand on her husband’s shoulder. “We just couldn’t take holos when the Force linked us and they wouldn’t let us take holos when we visited you in prison.” She handed him the pajamas. “Here, I had them let out so they’ll still fit you.”

“Is that a polite way of saying I’ve gained weight since I went to prison?”

“Well let’s face it - neither of us are as young or as skinny as we used to be.”

Despite the circumstances, Ben found himself snickering. “All right, I’ll give you that one. Dad probably stopped wearing these because he gained weight too.”

. . .

“So soft,” Ben murmured after the couple got into bed. “So comfortable.”

“It’s just an ordinary bed,” said Rey.

“Well, try sleeping in a prison bed for twenty years and then you’ll appreciate an ordinary bed,” said Ben, sinking his head into the pillow.

Rey smiled as she ran her hand over her husband’s cheek. “I know. My first time sleeping in a regular bed after Jakku was wonderful.” She stretched her arms over her head, her bones making a slight crack sound. “And think of it, you never have to sleep in a prison bed again.”

Ben yawned. “I hope not.”

Rey ran her fingers through her husband’s hair that had started to gray at the temples. “You won’t. This is the beginning of a new life for all of us.”

“Mmm,” Ben mumbled, “but what about Kylo Ren? I don’t think people forgot about him.”

“Kylo Ren is dead.”

“Yeah . . . that’s what Dad said . . . but I still was Kylo Ren . . . it’s not as simple as just saying he was a completely separate identity because that wasn’t the case . . .”

“Ben,” Rey interrupted, “I’m not saying this will be easy, but you’ll have us to help you get through it. You’re going to be okay.”

Ben didn’t answer.

“Ben?”

Now his only response was a snore.

Rey felt a warm smile stretching across her face as she kissed her husband’s forehead. “Sleep well, Ben. I love you.”

Chapter Text

A sudden jolt in the Force woke Ben up. He opened his eyes to find Rey staring at him, awakened by that same jolt, her face illuminated by the eerie nighttime city lights. She placed her finger on her lips, though Ben didn’t need her to tell him to be quiet - the unfamiliar presence was drumming into his being. Someone was here.

Rey silently crept out of bed and picked up her lightsaber from the nightstand, igniting the bright yellow blade and tiptoeing towards the door. Though he had no lightsaber anymore and hadn’t used one in twenty years, Ben followed his wife - he wasn’t about to sit around while she faced whoever was out there alone.

Once they were in the hallway, they ran into Gavin, wearing only a t-shirt and boxers, his own green lightsaber activated. “I sensed it too,” he whispered before the three of them cautiously made their way to the living room, the yellow and green blades guiding them in the dark, hardly daring to breathe.

When they reached the living room, Rey flicked on the lights - only to find the room empty. Ben no longer sensed the strange presence, instead sensing that whoever it was had left in a hurry, but that did nothing to slow the intense drumming of his heart.

“Look!” Gavin exclaimed, pointing at the front door.

Ben gulped, seeing that what Gavin had noticed was a single piece of paper on the floor - apparently whoever had just been here had slid the paper under the door. A few hesitant steps later, he was able to read what was written on the note in large, black, angry letters.

“FUCK YOU KYLO REN!”

. . .

“Someone’s just trying to scare you, that’s all,” said Rey, placing her hand on Ben’s shoulder as the family sat on the sofa together, a late-night smashball game playing on the holovid that none of them were actually watching. D-O was shut down for the night in the corner of the living room, but no one was ready to wake him up and try to explain what had happened yet.

Ben’s hands were shaking so hard that he almost tore the note. He kept reading those four words over and over, as if the note had hypnotized him into looking at nothing else. “I’m putting you in danger . . .” he muttered.

“Dad, come on,” Gavin said from Ben’s other side. “It’s just a note.”

“Just a note?” Ben exclaimed, shaking the note in Gavin’s direction. “Just a note? Look at it! Whoever did this obviously knew I’d be coming home today and planned it ahead! It’s a threat!”

“Ben . . .” said Rey.

“No!” Ben snapped. “We can’t just pretend this didn’t happen! Our family’s in danger because of me! I shouldn’t have come home, the generals shouldn’t have argued against life in prison, I should have just stayed there!”

“Ben!” Rey repeated in a louder, sterner voice, grabbing the note. “We don’t know yet if anyone’s in danger!”

“So you think this person will stop with a note? Or even if they do, do you honestly think this is the only person who’s still angry at Kylo Ren? You think just because I served my time, that means the galaxy will be all forgive-and-forget?? You think no one will be angry enough to try to use my family to get to me??”

At the word family, he broke down in tears, burying his face in his hands. “I can’t . . . I shouldn’t . . . I should leave.”

“You’ll do no such thing!” Rey declared.

“I already destroyed my old family!” Ben sobbed. “I can’t risk destroying this one as well!” He gestured at the wall covered with holos. “Look, you and Gavin had your family life without me - you should keep having it without me! I’ll just ruin everything.”

“Dad, stop it!” shouted Gavin.

“Yes,” said Rey, tearing up the note in sharp, determined motions. “We’re not going to let this spoil things.” After crumbling the pieces up in her fist, she placed her free hand on her husband’s cheek and gently pushed his head upwards to look him in the eye. “What do you think your parents would do if they saw this note?”

Ben sniffled, his mind’s eye seeing his parents’ angry, determined faces at someone doing this to their boy. “Th-they’d be mad as hell and they’d fight for me.”

“Exactly,” said Rey, her finger kneading into her husband’s cheek. “We’re a family, Ben, and we’ll fight for you just like your parents would.”

. . .

Calling the police only resulted in a “contact us again if something else happens” and going back to bed resulted in what felt like hours of staring into the darkness and listening to his wife’s sleep-breathing. Insomnia had been part of Ben’s life for as long as he could remember, but why did it have to come tonight, his first night out of prison? Couldn’t the Force have granted him one night of peace before bringing hell down on him? Several times he found himself wishing that he could still climb into bed with his parents and feel protected between them.

But somehow he must have fallen back to sleep at some point, since when he next opened his eyes, sunlight was pouring through the window and Rey was gone, a note on her pillow. With a long yawn, he grabbed the note and struggled to read it with his bleary eyes.

“Ben,

Gavin and I have gone to work. We figured we should let you sleep after what happened last night. There’s cereal in the kitchen that you can have for breakfast and both Gavin’s and my work numbers are saved in the com. Please contact us if something else happens. I’ll call you at lunch.

Love,
Rey”

And no sooner had he finished reading than the holocom on the nightstand beeped. Once again his half-asleep body fumbled to grab it, nearly dropping it as Rey’s hologram popped up.

“Ben?” she asked, peering at him. “Are you still in bed?”

Ben yawned again, running a hand through his bed-tussled hair. “I got your note - just now, in fact. I’m guessing I slept until lunch?”

“It appears that way,” said Rey, a cheeky grin spreading across her face. “You still look so cute when you’ve just woken up, you know that?”

Ben felt his face reddening. “I’m sorry.”

“What’s there to be sorry for? After the scare we had last night, you deserved the extra sleep. I’d have probably stayed in bed with you except that, well, these speeders don’t fix themselves.”

“You own the shop,” said Ben. “You could have taken the day off.”

“I know, but, well, I need the days I can take off for Force school seminars. Besides . . .” Her grin twisted slightly in a mischievous way. “. . . we never had a honeymoon and I was thinking we might like to remedy that sometime soon.”

Despite what happened last night, Ben found himself smiling back. “I’d like that - a lot.”

“So yes, I had to work today so we can save days off for that.” Her eyes shifted. “Our mysterious note-sender hasn’t been back, have they?”

“I just woke up, but I think I would have sensed something if they did come back.”

“Good.” Rey awkwardly ran her hand through her three hair buns. “You be careful, okay?”

“I am strong in the Force. I may be in my fifties, but I’m not helpless.”

“I know.” She took a deep breath. “I’ll be home in a few hours - of course, if the Force links us, I’ll see you before that.”

Ben grinned. “Well, if the Force doesn’t link us, I’ve got D-O for company.”

Rey nodded. “I told him about what happened - I think he’s eager to see you.”

“Then I should probably get up.”

“Probably.” Rey blew her husband a kiss. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Chapter Text

“A-are you scared?” D-O asked as Ben ate his cereal at the kitchen table, wearing a simple green t-shirt and black sweatpants.

Ben looked down at the little droid, trying unsuccessfully to force a smile and then letting out a sigh instead. “A little.”

“I-I am too. I d-don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Yeah, well I don’t want you to get hurt. Or Rey, or Gavin, or anyone else. I’ve hurt too many people already.” He gazed over at the fridge and the cupboard doors, where several of Gavin’s childhood drawings hung, including one of him going to the zoo with both his parents, all three of them with big smiles on their faces.

A world that never was . . .

All those times the Force linked him and Rey, all those times Rey brought their son into the link so they could all be together for a little while, all those times Rey and Gavin visited him in prison, none of it had been like a normal family life. He felt his eyes welling up as he finished his cereal, remembering how Han was always there when he was a child, remembering the outings, the bedtime stories, the games, the lazy afternoons watching the holovid together, the rides on the Falcon.

Ben’s father was always present, but then Ben grew up to be Kylo Ren.

Gavin had an absent father even though he did nothing wrong.

A sudden knock on the door jolted him out of his thoughts. D-O let out a tiny mechanical squeak, rolling back and forth. “Intruder?” he asked. “I-intruder?”

Ben reached out with the Force - and suddenly a grin broke out on his face. “No, not the intruder,” he said. “Friends.”

. . .

The apartment door slid open to reveal four very familiar beings. Almost before the door was completely open, Chewie came bounding in and threw his arms around Ben in a tight Wookiee hug, welcoming him home.

“Thanks, Uncle Chewie,” said Ben.

“Benny!” Lando exclaimed from behind Chewie. Though his hair had gone completely gray and he now had to use a walking stick, he still had the same energy from when he was young - and he still loved wearing his capes.

“Hey,” said Ben as Chewie ruffled his hair the same way he often did when Ben was a child. “How’s the family?”

“Family’s fine,” said Lando, leaning on his walking stick. “Course, my two teenage granddaughters are keeping their moms busy, but they’re still sweethearts.”

“And I’ll bet you’re spoiling them,” said Ben. Ever since Lando had found out that Jannah was his lost daughter Ava, he’d been determined to make up for lost time by being a doting father and then a doting grandfather.

“Of course,” said Lando, giving that cheeky grin that resembled Han’s. “If their moms say no, then they go to Grandpa Lando for backup.”

“Little Master Ben!” 3PO exclaimed as he hobbled in, followed by R2 giving a happy beep. “It is so good to see you out and about!”

“Thanks,” said Ben in a slightly hesitant voice, “but . . . I think there’s something you all should know about.”

. . .

“Oh dear,” 3PO said once Ben finished telling them about last night’s incident. “Perhaps you should inform the police about this.”

“We did,” said Ben, leaning forward and kneading his fingers into his forehead, “but they just said to call them again if something else happens.”

Lando patted Ben on the back. “Well, maybe Rey shouldn’t have torn up the note. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Rey, but sometimes . . .”

“Sometimes she makes decisions without thinking first,” Ben finished, looking up at the older man. “I know. Saving my life was one of them. My beautiful impulsive wife.”

Lando leaned back, resting his head against the back of the couch. “Your dad lived for a while with a price on his head. Not sayin’ that’s the same thing, but he knew what it was like to live in fear.”

“Perhaps Little Master Ben should issue a public apology to the galaxy,” 3PO suggested. “If the people see that he is truly sorry for what he did, perhaps they will be more open to forgiveness.”

“Maybe,” said Ben, “but people aren’t always so quick to forgive. I don’t know if I’m ready to address the whole galaxy anyway.”

Chewie ruffled Ben’s hair again. [You don’t have to address the whole galaxy right now. Get used to the outside world first.]

“Y-yes,” said D-O. “I-I had to get used to the outside world after Rey r-rescued me.”

“I know,” said Ben, gazing out the window at the speeders in their endless traffic, trying to imagine driving a speeder but finding that thoughts of the wind blowing into his face and the engines pounding into his ears interfered with the fantasy. Just riding home with Rey had been difficult enough - he’d closed his eyes for a good portion of the journey.

Then there came that twitch in his senses. He turned away from the window and there she was, bent over an unseen speeder, wearing a pair of faded coveralls, her hair in a red bandana. It was only a moment before she paused whatever she was doing, looked up at her husband, and smiled.

“Hey,” she said, “are you doing all right?”

“For now,” said Ben, ignoring the strange looks from Lando and Chewie. “Did you tell Chewie and Lando to come visit?”

Now Rey’s smile was growing cheeky. “No, but they’ve been counting the days until your release, so I’m not surprised they showed up. Tell them I said hi.”

Meanwhile Lando was staring at what was undoubtedly an empty area to his eyes. “Uh, I’m guessin’ you and Rey just got connected or whatever it is the Force does with you two?”

“Yes,” said Ben, momentarily wishing that the Force had waited until the guests left and saved the awkwardness, but the Force had never cared about making things awkward before, so why would it start now? “She says hi, by the way.”

[Tell her hi back,] growled Chewie.

“Uh, Chewie says hi back,” Ben said before clearing his throat. “Anyway, is Gavin coming back here after work or going back to his apartment?” His apartment. Uttering those words pounded it into Ben’s head that he had never been able to live with his son.

“I think he’s going to his apartment,” said Rey.

“Does the offer to visit him and meet his roommates still stand?” Damn, why did he ask that? After last night, wasn’t it asking for trouble to go visit anyone? If he were smart, he’d probably lock himself in the apartment for several months until the public got over Kylo Ren being out of prison.

He wasn’t smart.

“Uh, I guess,” said Rey, “but he told me this morning that you shouldn’t worry about that. You should take your time.”

Time. He’d already lost so much time - two decades of his life were forever lost to prison and another seven years of his life had been lost to the dark side. How much more time could he afford to lose?

“Well,” he said carefully, “if the offer does still stand and if you come with me, I think I would like to visit him.”

Chapter Text

“FUCK YOU KYLO REN!”

The four words repeated themselves over and over in Ben’s mind during the speeder ride to Gavin’s apartment. Again his eyes were closed - the rush of the movement and glare of the setting sun still made his stomach queasy - but that gave the words more freedom over his mind.

“FUCK YOU KYLO REN!”

Was the person who wrote the note someone Kylo Ren had personally hurt, or just someone angry at him on principle?

“FUCK YOU KYLO REN!”

The person surely wouldn’t stop with a note, this was only the beginning, things were going to get worse . . .

“Ben, we’re here,” Rey said, shaking his shoulder as if she thought he’d fallen asleep.

Ben opened his eyes as Rey parked on the landing platform by Gavin’s apartment building. It wasn’t as tall as many of Coruscant’s other buildings - in fact, when Ben looked up, the top of Gavin’s building seemed to sit nestled between the taller buildings like a baby animal being protected by its parents.

My son lives here, he thought as he and Rey got out of the speeder. He lives here and he never lived with me.

He was released from prison too late.

. . .

“Mom! Dad!” Gavin exclaimed after Rey knocked on the door. He was wearing an open t-shirt and green shorts and his feet were bare. “You came!”

Ben gulped, wondering if the way Gavin was dressed meant his roommates were in their underwear. Though he’d never been to college or shared an apartment with anyone himself, he definitely knew the stories of how casual roommates could get around each other. “Is this a bad time?” he found himself asking.

“No, no,” said Gavin. “Come on in!”

Gavin’s apartment was considerably smaller than Rey’s. It was basically a living room with a small kitchenette to the side and three shut doors on the other side - Ben guessed they led to the two bedrooms and the refresher - but what struck him the most was how lived-in it looked. Holofilm posters decorated the walls, some at odd angles in an effort to fit them in. Various food packages littered the floor next to an overflowing wastebasket. The place smelled of snack food and dirty laundry.

On a well-worn couch sat a pale-skinned Twi’lek man who looked about Gavin’s age and a blonde-haired human woman who also looked around Gavin’s age, both barefoot and both seemingly glued to the pod racing hologame they were playing.

“Hey, Mrs. Solo!”

Ben looked up and there was a red-haired woman who looked a couple of years younger than Gavin, wearing an orange t-shirt and black shorts, a can of cola in her right hand. She too was barefoot - Ben was beginning to feel overdressed just because he had shoes on.

“Hey Tai,” said Rey, “and I’ve told you before, you don’t need to call me ‘Mrs. Solo’ - just Rey will do.”

“I know,” Tai said before staring wide-eyed at Ben. “Gavin, is this . . . your dad?”

“Yes,” Gavin said, quickly stepping in and gesturing from Tai to Ben and back again. “Tai, this is my dad, Ben. Dad, this is my roommate Tai.”

Ben gulped as he stuck out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Tai.”

Tai shook his hand, but she didn’t stop staring. “Whoa,” she said. “I’ve never shaken hands with a Sith Lord before.”

Ben gulped again, suddenly thinking that this really wasn’t a good idea. “Actually I was a Knight of Ren, not a Sith. Not the same thing . . .”

“Hey, is it true that you can read minds?” she suddenly asked. “What am I thinking about right now?”

“Look, I try not to do that anymore.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” said Tai, taking a swig of her drink. “This is just weird. I mean, you went from being Supreme Leader of the First Order to hero who saved Gavin and those other kids, but then you still had to do time for all the stuff you did when you were dark side, it’s a fascinating story.”

Story. Ben suddenly realized that his time in the dark side was exactly that to these people: a story. Like Gavin, they were all little kids at the time when the war ended - they had no firsthand experience with the First Order. In fact, Gavin was the only one who had firsthand experience with the First Order and his experience saw Ben as a hero who rescued him.

“Hey Hamda, Lindin!” Tai was calling. “Come meet Gavin’s dad!”

The two people on the couch reluctantly paused their hologame and made their way to the door - Ben thought they were hesitant in their walking manner, but he might have only thought that because of his own anxiety.

“Hamda, Lindin, my dad Ben,” said Gavin. “Dad, these are my other roommates Hamda and Lindin.”

Ben stuck out his hand again and the Twi’lek Lindin was the first to take it, though he was swallowing roughly as he did so. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Solo sir.”

Ben remembered how his father always grimaced at being called “Mr. Solo.” “Like my wife said, just Ben is fine.”

“Sorry.” Lindin gulped again after having shook Ben’s hand for an acceptable amount of time. “So, uh, I dunno if I should be angry at you for killing your own dad and stuff like that or thankful that you saved Gavin and all.”

“Lindin!” Hamda scolded before stepping up to Ben. “Sorry, he tends to be a little blunt, but he’s a nice guy once you get to know him.” She reached out and shook Ben’s hand. “Hi, I’m Hamda. Hopefully my little sister won’t give you a hard time - she’s all ‘oh wow, Gavin’s dad came back from the dark side, that’s so cool.’”

“I am not!” Tai shouted.

“Okay, okay,” said Gavin, holding up his hands as if trying to stop a fight. “Please, my dad’s been in prison for twenty years, he’s going through a lot of stress as it is.”

“Sorry,” said Tai. “Hey, are you two hungry? I could heat up some leftovers if you want.”

“That sounds lovely,” said Rey.

“Yes, thank you,” said Ben, trying his best to ignore the spinning in his mind.

. . .

The reheated leftover bantha nuggets were rather bland until Ben smothered them in sauce, but still he and Rey ate heartily at the tiny kitchen table. Hamda and Lindin had gone back to their game, but Tai and Gavin lingered around, leaning against the counter and making small talk with the guests.

“That must have been hell,” Tai was saying. “Hearing voices in your head telling you that your family was terrified of you - ever since you were a kid.”

“Yes,” said Ben, “it was hell, but I’d rather not talk about it right now.”

Rey briefly squeezed her husband’s hand, sending him soothing feelings through the Force.

“Sorry,” said Tai, reaching into a bag on the counter and pulling out a cookie. “I guess I’m getting too excited - it’s just that Gavin’s told us all about you and how proud he is of you.”

“Proud?” Ben cocked his head in his son’s direction.

“Of course I’m proud of you, Dad.” Gavin said it as if it were the most obvious truth in the galaxy. “You and Mom saved me.”

Ben let out a sigh. “It doesn’t erase everything else I did, though.”

“I know that,” said Tai, biting into the cookie, “but Gavin’s also told us about how you’ve seen the ghosts of your parents and they’re proud of you too.”

A sudden lump formed in Ben’s throat at the mention of his parents, causing him to need extra effort to swallow his food. “They shouldn’t be proud of me,” he mumbled, only loud enough for Rey to hear. “I’m the reason they’re dead.”

Chapter Text

“NO! NO! STOP!”

Ben’s eyes shot open, his sleep-hazed mind only comprehending that it was dark and his wife was screaming.

“NO! PLEASE!”

His wife . . .

His wife was screaming! With that, he rolled over to face her, placing his hand on her tear-drenched cheek. “Rey?” he whispered. “Rey, it’s me, wake up!”

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

Those four words. Those four words that sent a freezing stab through Ben’s body, sending him back to that day when he tortured the woman he now loved. Tortured her, violated her.

“Rey!” His voice came out in a desperate sob. “Please wake up!”

Finally her screams faded into gasps as she blinked rapidly at her husband.

“Rey?” Ben asked, trying to ignore the ramming of his heart. “Are you all right? Look at me, sweetheart.”

Rey did look at him with wide, damp eyes, but in the moment on the edge between sleep and wakefulness, she didn’t see a loving husband. With a sudden, jerky motion, she bolted to a sitting position, shifting backwards as if trying to get away from him. Her emotions shot at him like a knife, so hard and so sudden that he couldn’t help seeing what was in her mind.

His face, younger and more sinister but still his face, glaring at her, determined to pry the map out of her mind, taunting her with her memories and loneliness . . .

“I’m sorry!” he exclaimed, scrambling out of bed, slightly tripping over the covers twisted around his legs. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I won’t trigger you anymore, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

With that, he dashed out of the bedroom before his wife could say anything.

. . .

For several minutes, Rey sat.

She’d wrapped herself up in the blankets and now she just sat, staring into the darkness with tear-filled eyes, knowing she should go to her husband, wishing she could banish the nightmare - the memory - from her mind, but every blink brought Kylo Ren’s face back into her vision.

“Why?” she found herself asking out loud through a near-sob. She hadn’t dreamed of that damn memory for years - why did it come back now?

She should find Ben and tell him to come back to bed - she should - but she felt frozen in place, as if the dream had taken away her ability to move. “Why?” she sobbed again - to herself? To the Force? To the empty air? She couldn’t tell.

Finally, with a deep, uneven breath, she forced herself out of bed, the blanket still draped over her shoulders, and made her way out of the bedroom, though the memory was still pulsing in her mind.

She found Ben in the living room, lying on the couch, head resting on his arm, no pillow, no blanket, eyes wide open and staring into the darkness. “Ben?” she asked in the gentlest voice she could muster.

No answer.

“Ben?” she persisted. “Aren’t you cold?”

“I deserve to be cold,” he muttered.

“Ben, come on . . .”

He scrambled to a sitting position, staring up at her with glistening eyes. “That dream returned because of me! Now that I’m no longer safely locked away, now that I’m with you in the flesh instead of just linked through the Force, your subconscious sees that as a threat.”

With a swallow, Rey sat next to him, wrapping part of the blanket around his shoulders. “Maybe you’re right, I don’t know, but that doesn’t change the fact that my conscious self loves you.”

“I hurt you. You and so many others.”

“And you also saved me. Not only did you heal me, but you gave me the strength to fight Palpatine instead of allowing him to possess my body. If it weren’t for you, I might have plunged the whole galaxy into darkness.”

Ben held up his hand. “Stop it - you and I both know that doesn’t erase anything I did before! Nothing can erase that!” He ran his hand over his eyes. “That note . . . that note was right.”

Rey wrapped her arm around her husband’s shoulders, squeezing him gently. “Ben . . .”

“And you’re trying to comfort me when you’re the one who just had a nightmare about a traumatizing memory??” Ben exclaimed.

Rey bit her lip, wanting to tell her husband that she was fine, she didn’t need comforting, it was just a dream . . . but how could she say she was fine when Kylo’s face was still creeping around in her mind?

“I wish I could comfort you,” Ben said in a shaky voice. “I know, long ago you said you’d need a minute after these dreams and I said I’d give you as long as you need, but I wish I could hug you and make you feel better like other spouses do, other spouses who didn’t torture the one they love.”

What could Rey say to that? She squeezed his shoulder, hoping to ease his pain at least a little bit, but still the dream was invading her mind like Kylo Ren had done so many years ago.

“Ben,” she finally said, “come back to bed.”

“And give you another nightmare??”

“You didn’t give me the nightmare!”

“Do you really believe that when I caused the memory you dreamed about??” He stared into her eyes, the wrinkles in his face giving him a weary look, as if he were older than his fifty-two years. “Don’t try to sugarcoat how I tortured you - that’s not helping anything!”

Rey let out a long sigh. “Okay, you’re right. You did cause that memory. You did horrible things, I’m not going to deny that, but you’re not that person anymore. No, that doesn’t make the things you did okay and it doesn’t mean they no longer matter, but you also can’t go back in time and change them.” She squeezed his shoulder again. “Please, come back to bed.”

But before he could answer, there came a sudden jolt in the Force - the same jolt they had felt the night before. Almost in unison, they both cautiously turned to face the door, that same unfamiliar Force-signature pulsing through Rey’s senses.

In another moment came a torrent of violent pounding on the door, making the couple jump slightly, followed by a deep, loud male voice screaming.

“I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE, KYLO REN!”

Chapter Text

Gavin shot up in bed, awakened by a - dream? vision? feeling? Well, the specifics didn’t matter - what mattered was that he sensed his parents in danger. Without any concern about waking Lindin, he grabbed his lightsaber from the nightstand, threw on a robe, stepped into his well-worn slippers, and rushed out of the bedroom.

He ran through the living room and out to his speeder without caring about the fact that he was wearing a robe and slippers, flew into the speeder lane barely aware of the air traffic laws, finding himself wishing that the speeders in front of him would get out of the way and then needing to take deep breaths in order to let the Force flow through him so he’d gain enough presence of mind to drive safely.

You need to stay calm, he told himself. For Mom and Dad.

They need you.

. . .

“Hello?” the Torgruta police officer’s hologram answered, the blue glow eerily lighting up the dark living room.

“Hello,” said Rey, trying to keep her voice quiet and calm, “my name is Rey Solo, and there’s someone banging on our door in a threatening manner and screaming at my husband. We previously received a threatening message last night, but I don’t know if this is the same person.”

“Yes, I remember,” said the officer. “We’ll have someone over as soon as possible, but in the meantime, don’t open the door and don’t respond to the person. Is your door locked?”

“Yes,” said Rey.

“Good,” said the officer. “Hang in there, we’ll be there soon.”

. . .

Gavin didn’t care about the drivers who had shouted at him or blown their horns at him on the way to his parents’ apartment building, didn’t care about the people he bumped into while running down the hall, all he cared about was getting to his parents as soon as was humanly possible.

“YOU CAN’T HIDE IN THERE FOREVER, KYLO REN!”

The scream echoing down the halls increased his speed and caused him to ignite his lightsaber as he ran. “HEY YOU!” he screamed as soon as the human man banging on his parents’ door came into his view.

The stranger momentarily stopped his yelling to stare at his attacker. He was maybe between five and ten years older than Gavin, a thin wisp of dark blond sideburns brushing his cheeks and the same color hair chopped short on his head, gripping a blaster in his right hand. “You’re their son, aren’t you?” he said. “The one Kylo Ren brainwashed as a child.”

“What??” Gavin yelled. “You’re crazy!”

“Crazy?” the man said in an eerily steady voice. “I pity you, honestly. You’re too young to remember the monster he was and because he got you away from the First Order, you think he’s your father.”

“He is my father!” Gavin shouted, unable to keep his voice from shaking.

Now the man was staring into his eyes. “From what I’ve heard, the First Order killed your real parents, didn’t they? You were so young - do you even remember them? Do you ever wonder what might have happened if dear old Dad hadn’t declared himself Supreme Leader, if maybe your real parents would have lived? You might have never been kidnapped then, maybe you could have even lived a normal life where your Daddy wasn’t in prison for your whole childhood!”

Suddenly the apartment door hissed open and out stomped Ben and Rey, both dressed for bed, their hair mussed, an absolutely furious look on Ben’s face. “All right, whoever you are, enough!” he shouted. “Whatever you want, do it to me, but leave my son alone!”

The man pointed his blaster at Ben, but made no motion to actually shoot it, maybe because Gavin’s lightsaber was pointed at him and in another moment Rey’s lightsaber was pointed at him from the other direction. “Your son,” the stranger spat. “And how many children lost their homes when Hosnian Prime was destroyed - like I did??”

“I’m sorry about that,” said Ben, “but it was General Hux who ordered Hosnian Prime’s destruction, not me.”

“And did you do anything to stop it? No, no you didn’t! You have those countless people’s blood on your hands too!”

Gavin thought he saw his father go pale, but he kept his composure. “Again, if it’s revenge you want, take it, but take it out on me and leave my family out of this!”

“Ben, no!” Rey shouted, raising her lightsaber higher. “If you think I’m about to let him kill you, you’re badly mistaken!”

There was a tense moment of the three weapons raised, as if each party involved were daring the others to make the first move, before the sudden sound of running footsteps followed by unfamiliar voice shouting distracted them.

“POLICE! DROP YOUR WEAPONS NOW!”

. . .

After intense questioning, the intruder finally confessed that he was the one who started up the trouble and that Rey and Gavin had drawn their lightsabers in defense, whether it was out of guilt for getting Ben’s wife and son involved or out of fear for what Ben might do to him if he didn’t confess, nobody could tell, but after the police took him away, once again the family crowded on the couch around the holovid, no one knowing what to say.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Gavin asked, likely in an attempt to get conversation going.

“Of course you can,” said Rey, rubbing her son’s shoulder. “You can spend the whole weekend here if you want.”

“Thanks,” said Gavin. “I’ll call the roomies in the morning and let them know where I am.” He let out a long sigh. “At least none of us have to go to work tomorrow - thank the Force for small favors.” He leaned over, giving his father an awkward grin. “Hey Dad, do you still want to go out together?”

Ben only blinked, staring ahead at the holovid without really seeing it.

“Dad?”

“He was right,” Ben whispered.

“What?”

Ben gave his son a sharp look. “He was right. I didn’t do anything to stop Hosnian Prime’s destruction. Did I like it? No, not even back then, but I still watched it! I accepted it!” By now tears were streaming down his face. “He’s right, he’s right, he’s right!”

A lump was forming in Gavin’s throat against his will as he tried unsuccessfully to push the intruder’s words out of his mind. “Do you ever wonder what might have happened if dear old Dad hadn’t declared himself Supreme Leader, if maybe your real parents would have lived?” It was true that he barely remembered his biological parents anymore - in fact, the only reason he still knew what they looked like was because of holos his late aunt had sent him. His mind associated the words “Mom” and “Dad” with Rey and Ben, and even though he knew about the horrors Ben had committed as Kylo Ren, he’d long accepted that Ben was a different person now.

But what if the intruder was right, and his biological parents would have survived if it weren’t for Kylo Ren?

Should he be angry at his father for that?

Was it wrong to not be angry?

Chapter Text

The next day, the entire Solo family slept until well past noon. In fact, it was only the holocom beeping that woke Rey up. She answered in a half-asleep state to find that it was Lindin asking about Gavin, but he seemed satisfied once Rey told him that Gavin was staying with them and immediately hung up.

Rey yawned as she forced herself to a sitting position, trying to ignore how her bones cracked, figuring that Lindin might have only just gotten up as well, seeing as how it was the weekend. Though her own body was still calling for sleep, she pushed stray hairs out of her face as she looked down at her husband, who hadn’t stirred. A strand of hair had gotten into his mouth, which she gently pushed out, careful not to wake him. The wrinkles that had started to pull at his face seemed to smooth out a little when he slept, almost making him look like he was thirty again.

But she only got a few moments to admire her husband, since the holocom beeped once again. This time Finn’s hologram popped out, which perked up Rey’s mood a bit. “Hey Finn,” she said. “How are you and Poe doing?”

“We’re fine,” said Finn in a panicked tone, “but are you doing all right? I just saw the news!”

“The what??”

“Is it true? You were attacked last night??”

Rey couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. “It was on the news?” she finally managed to choke out.

“Yeah,” said Finn, blinking at her as if trying to assess her condition. “Some guy named Cole Harman from Hosnian Prime, lost his parents and home in the planet’s destruction, he was a kid at the time and only escaped it himself because he was visiting his grandparents. He attacked you last night?”

“Cole Harman,” Rey repeated. For some reason learning the person’s name made her stomach drop, as if he became more real when he had a name. “He did threaten us last night, but no one was hurt.”

Finn swallowed, staring at Rey as if he wanted to hug her. “Would it be all right if Poe and I came over? Just, you know, to make sure you’re doing all right? We could even bring lunch if you haven’t had lunch yet.”

“I’ll talk to Ben about it,” said Rey. “Could you call back in about five minutes?”

“Of course.” Finn forced a smile before hanging up.

Once Finn hung up, Rey reluctantly shook Ben awake. “Ben,” she whispered, “wake up, I have something to tell you.”

. . .

“Uncle Finn! Uncle Poe!”

Even in his twenties, Gavin still thought of the generals as his uncles and addressed them as such. He also made sure to hug them every time he saw them and they made sure to squeeze him in their big warm uncle hugs. That was one thing he hoped would never change no matter how old he got.

“Hey buddy,” said Poe, grinning as he pulled out of the hug. “How’s life with roomies going?”

“It’s going,” said Gavin. “Is it weird if this still feels more like home than my apartment?”

“I’d say you’re lucky,” said Poe, running a hand through his graying hair. “I mean, I first left home cause of complicated circumstances.”

“Okay, okay,” said Finn, patting his husband’s shoulder, “don’t bore him with the Spice Runners story again.”

Gavin snickered as BB-8 rolled in from behind Poe, beeping an excited hello. “Hey, BB-8.” He bent down and ran his hand over the little droid’s dome. “I bet D-O would like to see you.”

BB-8 beeped in anticipation before rolling off in search of his little droid friend while Gavin turned his attention back to his uncles. “Mom and Dad are in the kitchen,” he said.

Both Finn and Poe nodded, their expressions suddenly grim.

. . .

Ben could barely keep his sandwich down with how his stomach was jumping, and that wasn’t made any easier by the generals entering the kitchen. Though Rey immediately jumped up to embrace them both, Ben remained seated, focusing on his lunch. He was pretty sure that the generals no longer despised him like they once did, but he still wasn’t their “friend,” either. Poe, especially, had been scarred by the way Kylo Ren treated him and Ben doubted those scars would ever fully heal.

And speaking of Poe, now he was sliding into a chair next to Ben, giving him an awkward look. “So . . .” he said as if he didn’t know how to start a conversation, “. . . rough night?”

“You might say that,” said Ben.

“Are you, you know, doing okay?”

Ben shrugged. “I guess so, but now that it’s been on the news, I might have to retract that statement soon.”

“Yeah, I’m real sorry about that.”

“But I guess we should’ve expected this after the police got involved and all.” Ben let out a long sigh. “It’s probably only a matter of time before this happens again.”

“It probably is,” said Finn as he slid into the seat next to Poe, followed by Rey and Gavin, “which is why Poe and I have been talking about putting you in a protection program.”

“A . . . protection program?” Ben’s gaze went from Rey to Gavin and back again - they both had uncertain expressions. “You mean send me away to an undisclosed location and give me a new identity?”

Finn nodded. “I know, it doesn’t sound great, but it might be the best option after what happened.”

“It might keep Rey and Gavin safe if I were away from them,” Ben mused out loud, though his heart was screaming as he did so.

“No!” Rey practically shouted. “Ben, if you go into this protection program, I’m going into it with you.”

“What?”

“You heard me,” said Rey, that familiar fire in her eyes. “I didn’t wait twenty years for you to be released only to get separated from you forever.”

“We’ll still see each other when the Force links us,” Ben protested, though as he said it he could already tell that Rey wouldn’t accept it. “You can’t just toss away your life for me!”

“Were you satisfied with the Force linking us when you were in prison? No, I want us to be together, and if that means I change my name and move to a distant planet with you, then so be it.”

“And what about the Force school?” Ben argued. “What about Gavin?”

“I could go too,” said Gavin. “All of us in exile together might not be so bad.”

“This is crazy!” Ben shouted, gripping his head. “The only reason I’d want to run away would be to protect you two - that doesn’t work if you both throw away your lives to come with me!”

Finn and Poe glanced at each other as if silently discussing how smart this was. “Well,” Poe said, “if you want to stay here, then we can help protect you and help you work your way into being accepted by society, maybe.”

“How?” asked Ben.

“Well, maybe we could help you get a job,” said Finn.

Rey smiled at her husband. “You could work in the shop.”

Ben rumpled his mouth. “Isn’t the whole point of a job supposed to be bringing money into the household? Doesn’t it defeat the purpose if I’m getting a paycheck from my own wife?”

“I could talk to my boss,” offered Gavin. “We could probably always use another cashier or stocker.”

Ben’s eyes lowered to his still-unfinished sandwich, imagining customers glaring when they saw Kylo Ren working at the store. “I don’t know,” he said in a low voice. “I don’t know.”

Chapter Text

After dinner, Ben sat on one of the balcony chairs, gazing out at the sunset over the skylanes, squinting at the orange light reflecting off of the buildings, wondering how many residents of the nearby buildings (and this building, for that matter) knew they now had Kylo Ren as a neighbor. If they watched the news, probably a lot of them knew.

Did others want revenge like Cole did? If so, how long before someone else attacked?

“Hey Dad, can I sit?”

Ben looked up and there was Gavin, awkwardly shifting his hand through his hair as if he needed something to do. “Sure.”

Gavin took a seat next to his father, letting out a long exhale as he did so. “Mom and I used to have picnics out here when I was a kid.”

“Picnics,” said Ben. “That sounds fun.” Instantly he found himself imagining Rey and a younger Gavin with a picnic blanket spread out on the balcony, laughing with each other as they enjoyed the food.

Without Ben.

“Yeah, it was.” Gavin let out a long sigh. “Look Dad, I’m sorry I rushed over here last night and made things worse.”

Ben found himself smirking. “It was a very Solo thing to do. Your grandfather would be proud.”

He expected his son to grin at that statement, but instead Gavin just gazed out into the distance. “I’m not a real Solo,” he mumbled, so softly that Ben wondered if Gavin had intended for him to hear it.

“You’re a Solo in every way that counts,” said Ben, putting his hand on his son’s tense shoulder. “Even Dad wasn’t a ‘Solo,’ so to speak. He wasn’t born with the name, but he made the name mean something. That’s what we Solos do - we create our own legacy.”

But once again, Gavin didn’t perk up. He didn’t even look at his father - he just kept staring out at the city as if his mind were somewhere among the endlessly-flying speeders.

“Gavin? Are you all right?”

“The guy last night . . . he said stuff.”

“I know,” said Ben, his stomach twisting, his heart tightening. “I heard some of it.”

“He said you brainwashed me,” Gavin said as if Ben hadn’t spoken, his fingers drumming on his knees. “He also said that if you hadn’t declared yourself Supreme Leader in the first place, then my parents wouldn’t have been killed and I wouldn’t have been kidnapped.”

The invisible fist clenching Ben’s heart squeezed harder.

“I shouldn’t be glad you and Mom are my parents, should I?” Gavin rambled, seemingly more to himself than to Ben. "I mean, that means I’m glad my real parents are dead, and that’s wrong. I should wish I’d never met you and Mom, right? If I’d never been kidnapped, I’d have a whole different life with my real parents, but I barely even remember them anymore. I don’t know anything about that other life I might have had.”

The tears in Ben’s eyes blurred the sunset glow into a mess of light. What was he supposed to say? Was giving his son a hug and assuring him that his parents loved him an admittance that Ben was glad that Gavin’s real parents were killed?

“It’s hard to remember a lot of my time with the First Order now,” Gavin continued, “but I still remember finding you. I remember how I went looking for you because I sensed that you were gonna help us and how I felt safe when I found you.” He swallowed. “It was the first time I’d felt safe since the First Order took me - but that’s wrong, isn’t it? I shouldn’t have felt safe according to everyone, I should have sensed who you used to be and run away.”

“You were four,” Ben said, his voice sounding feeble. “You couldn’t have been expected to . . .”

“But I found it out later,” Gavin interrupted. “I don’t remember exactly when, but you and Mom were always honest with me about it. I should have run away then, right? I shouldn’t have wanted you to be my dad anymore, right?” Finally he looked at his father, tiny pearls of unshed tears caressing his eyes. “I should be furious at you, disgusted, shouldn’t I? There’s something wrong with me if I’m not, right?”

Ben took a deep inhale of the slightly-chilly evening air. “I wish . . . I wish I knew how to answer that.” He started gently massaging his son’s shoulder, though Gavin still didn’t respond to his touch. “Mom told me that she had a cousin who made fun of her for being adopted.”

“Yeah, but her adopted parents loved her as much as if she were their biological daughter,” Gavin said in a mechanical-sounding voice. “It was her biological dad she had issues with.” His eyes closed, a tear streaming down his cheek. “And I should have issues with my adopted dad, but I never knew you as Kylo Ren. I just remember you as Dad. Is that wrong?”

Ben wanted to say no, it wasn’t wrong at all, but something pulled the words back before they could be said.

“Kylo Ren is dead. My son is alive.”

He wished things really were as simple as his father’s words from so long ago made it sound, that Kylo Ren was a completely separate entity who had possessed his body and was now gone forever.

“Gavin,” he finally said in a soft voice, “none of us can know what kind of life you would have had if you were never kidnapped. There are thousands and thousands of what-if possibilities, but this is the life we have.” He stroked his son’s cheek. “And in the life we have, you’re our son and your mother and I love you.”

“I love you too,” Gavin said with a sniffle, “but I feel like I shouldn’t.”

Ben let out a long sigh, the words pricking at his heart. “Well, my mom and dad loved me and they were great people. They loved me even when I was at my worst.” He gulped, running his hand through his son’s hair. “It was their love that eventually drove me away from the dark side.” He wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t. “Sometimes I still feel your grandfather’s hand on my cheek.”

With that, Gavin threw his arms around his father, sobbing into his chest as if he were a child, sending Ben back to that day on Geonosis so long ago, when he was pretending to be Kylo Ren in order to rescue the children and a little boy had sought him out.

Was this how Han felt when he’d seen Ben on the bridge? Like he was still seeing a little boy?

“Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”

“What do you think you’ll see if I do?”

“The face of my son.”

“Dad?” Gavin asked suddenly, looking up and letting Ben see the face of his son, puffy-eyed and sniffly.

“What?”

Gavin ran his sleeve over his nose. “The police said they’d guard the apartment tonight, but do you think that’s enough?”

Once more Ben gazed out at the lanes and lanes of speeders, any one of which could carry someone vengeful with a blaster who could shoot both of them right now if they had the desire and the ability.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t know.”

Chapter Text

Seventeen-year-old Paige Tico-Calrissian couldn’t concentrate on her homework. She tapped her stylus on her datapad, wondering how the hell she could be expected to think about math after what they’d seen on the news this morning. Yes, her moms had said, they’d go visit Rey and Ben soon, but they probably wanted to relax after their big scare last night.

Still, her foot was tapping under the desk. She’d never seen Ben without the red forcefield separating them, and she always had the feeling that her moms only took her and her sister Landa to visit Ben because he was married to Aunt Rey. Did that make him Uncle Ben? Paige was never sure. The girls’ moms never told them to call him Uncle Ben, but they also didn’t say not to call him Uncle Ben.

Now that he was out of prison, shouldn’t they be reaching out to him?

Or was that just a feeble way to logic things out?

Though she’d only seen Ben a few times, there was always something enticing about his vulnerable eyes, his deep voice, his weary demeanor, and the fact that he’d returned from the dark side . . . that made him more fascinating.

Who was she fooling?

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

“Paige!” Landa was calling. “Mom and Mama told me to remind you that Tatooine Curses is about to start.”

Paige leapt to her feet and rushed across her bedroom to open the door. The door slid open with a hiss to reveal her fourteen-year-old sister, wispy black hair getting into her eyes as usual. “C’mon,” Landa said, “you know Moms’ll eat all the snacks if we don’t hurry.”

Paige felt a mischievous grin creep across her face. “Do you mind missing it?”

“The show? Not much - it’s a rerun anyway. The snacks? I’d mind missing those more.”

“Well I think this will be worth missing the snacks for.”

. . .

“You’re crazy!” Landa exclaimed as Paige drove the speeder into the skylane. “Why couldn’t we have just asked Moms if we could go visit the Solos?”

“Because Moms would want to come too,” said Paige, clicking her tongue as her mind silently went through her speeder driving lessons. “I want to see Ben without Moms hovering over us. Besides, it’s more exciting this way.”

Landa rolled her deep brown eyes. “It’s only a matter of time before they realize we’re not in our rooms doing our homework.”

“Yeah,” said Paige, “but since Mom went undercover to help disable the First Order’s tracker and Mama refused orders to kill civilians, I think they’ll understand.”

. . .

“Paige? Landa?” Gavin exclaimed when he opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

“It was her idea,” said Landa, pointing at her sister.

“We wanted to come see how you guys were doing after last night,” said Paige.

“Uh-huh,” said Gavin, letting out a sigh, “well we’re doing about as well as we can, but if you wanna see my dad, he’s bathing right now. Said something about how prison showers were nowhere near as satisfying as a proper bath was, so he probably won’t be available for a while . . .”

“I’m available now, son.”

The three all turned to find Ben entering the living room in the deep blue bathrobe Rey had gotten for him shortly before his release, drying his hair with a white towel and staring at the girls - but not in a what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here way so much as a wow-look-how-you’ve-grown way.

“Come on in,” he said after a moment.

. . .

After getting dressed and settling himself in a chair across from where the Tico-Calrissian girls sat on the couch, Ben found himself unable to look away from them. How many times had their mothers taken them to visit when he was in prison? Probably fewer than ten times in twenty years and it had definitely been at least a year or two since the last time.

At first glance, hardly anyone would guess that they were sisters, especially since Paige had deep brown skin and Landa had light tan skin - a result of Finn being Paige’s doner and Poe being Landa’s doner - but they had both inherited Rose’s piercing gaze and her silky black hair.

Paige now looked more like an adult than a teenager. Her figure had become more slender and the acne that once dotted her face had almost completely faded away. Landa, meanwhile, was on the cusp of the transitional phase between girl and woman. She had grown nearly as tall as her sister and flecks of hair were beginning to grow on her arms.

“You’ve both grown,” he said in an awkward voice, trying to get some conversation going and wondering how long it would be before their mothers showed up.

That seemed to break the tension enough to at least get Paige talking. “What’s it like?” she asked. “Being out of prison?”

Well, he wasn’t expecting that question, but he supposed it was a fair enough thing to be curious about. “It’s hard to say, actually, given that most of the time has been spent worrying about my family’s safety. I’d go back to prison if it meant they’d be safe, but . . .”

“They wouldn’t want you to do that,” Landa spoke up in a small voice, a hint of fear flowing from her. “Not after all these years separated from you.” She swallowed, her eyes darting around as if she couldn’t handle looking Ben in the eye. “If Mom or Mama were in prison for my whole life, I dunno what I’d do.”

“Well we are going to make the best of things,” came Rey’s voice. The three turned and there were Rey and Gavin entering the room with D-O rolling in behind them, Rey carrying a plate of cookies and Gavin carrying two glasses of water. “Here,” she said as they placed the food and drinks on the caf table, “we thought you might be hungry.”

“Thanks, Aunt Rey,” said Paige before giving Ben a slight grin. “Hey, should we call you Uncle Ben now?”

Suddenly Ben’s stomach twisted and his face heated up to the point where he had to discreetly fan himself with his hand. His mind’s eye saw another world where Kylo Ren never existed, where he and Rey could have had a normal married life and raised Gavin like normal parents. In that world, there was never any question about whether or not he’d be Uncle Ben to Rose and Jannah’s daughters - he’d have given them treats and birthday gifts and taken them on outings with Gavin.

For that matter, Leia and Han would be alive in that world too - they’d not only be doting grandparents to Gavin, but they’d dote on Paige and Landa too.

“I don’t know,” he finally whispered, running his hand over his misting eyes. “I sure as hell don’t deserve to be called Uncle Ben by anyone.” He gulped, noticing how Landa’s fingers were twitching in her lap. “Besides, children aren’t usually afraid of their uncles.”

“That’s not true,” said Landa. “You were afraid of your uncle, weren’t you? You had a good reason after all - anyone would be afraid of someone who tried to kill them in their sleep.”

Why did she have to bring up that incident? Even after all these years, his mind’s eye still perfectly saw his uncle standing over his bed, lightsaber drawn. “I don’t know if I was afraid of him so much as I wanted revenge.”

Still, he questioned the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.

Fortunately for him but unfortunately for the girls, the awkward conversation was interrupted by angry, persistent knocking at the door and Rose’s voice shouting from the other side.

“PAIGE! LANDA! YOU YOUNG LADIES ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!”

Chapter Text

Ben couldn’t say he knew Rose and Jannah that well, but he remembered how absolutely in love they had seemed when they were Rey’s matrons of honor, how they’d wrapped their arms around each other when he and Rey took their vows. The few times he’d seen them since then, they’d been busy mothers, bags slung over their shoulders and hair slightly mussed. Jannah especially would do her best to make conversation with Ben since she’d found out she was Lando’s lost daughter, but he always sensed her unease. Rose, meanwhile, would try to keep the children from running off when they were little and try to get them to leave after the ten minutes of visitation once they were old enough to be fascinated with Aunt Rey’s imprisoned husband.

One thing was certain, though: he’d never seen this side of them.

“Did you seriously think we WOULDN’T figure out what you were up to??” Rose was shouting, her hands on her hips, her small stature and chubby body doing nothing to diminish her intimidating presence.

“Mom, it’s no big deal,” Paige said from the sofa, where she and Landa had made no attempt to move.

“It’s a big deal when you take my speeder without asking!” Jannah shouted. “Paige honey, we’ve been through this - you don’t drive either of our speeders without asking!” She glared down at her daughters, her lips curled in anger. “You only just got your license, sweetheart - it takes time to get used to driving a speeder.”

“I know how to drive a speeder, Mama!”

“Yes, but you’re not used to it. You could have caused an accident and injured yourself and your sister!”

“Mama, I’m fine,” said Landa. “Nothing happened.”

“But something could have happened!”

“It’s my fault,” Ben spoke up, not sure why he was doing so, but once he did, all heads turned to face him, causing his already-tight stomach to do an extra flip, especially since Rose and Jannah’s eyes were narrowed as if accusing him of corrupting their daughters.

“They wanted to see me,” Ben continued, “and can you blame them? They’re curious about their aunt’s husband who was in prison for their whole lives.” He chewed on his inside cheek. “And it’s my fault I was in prison in the first place. I could have been a doting uncle who was always there for the girls, but instead I chose to give in to fear and throw away the life we all could have had.” He took a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm his nerves before nodding at the girls. “I couldn’t be their uncle when I was in prison and it’s probably wrong to want to be their uncle now, but I can at least say that they’re growing into lovely young ladies and I wish I could have known them better when they were growing up.” He rose to his feet. “You can blame me for everything, but I still wish you and your girls the best.”

The mothers gave each other significant looks, and Ben could sense that they understood what he meant by everything - how it didn’t only mean the girls coming to the apartment without asking.

. . .

“Whew,” Rey sighed as she let her head flop down on the pillow. “What a day.”

Ben lay on his back, staring up into the dark. “Rey?” he asked in a small, hesitant voice.

Rey rolled over to face her husband, her arm draping over his chest. “What, sweetheart?”

Ben let out a long exhale as he ran his hand through her hair, massaging her scalp. “Do you feel safe right now?”

She reached out with the Force, sensing the police speeders scanning outside the building and the guards that had been posted in the hall. “Well, the police are guarding us, so we should feel safe, right?” She nestled her head against his, releasing a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “But the fact that they need to guard us in the first place just serves as a reminder of what happened last night and the night before.”

“This is your home,” Ben sighed. “You should feel safe here.

"It's your home too.”

“It’s only been my home for a few days - and frankly, I haven’t felt very safe during that time.” He stroked her ear, running his fingers up and down the ridge. “But do you feel safe, right now?”

The guards were going up and down the hall, up and down the hall, close enough to enter the apartment any moment; the speeders’ red lights were flashing outside the window, making it impossible to forget their presence even without the Force. “No,” Rey admitted.

Now Ben’s arm was wrapping around her as if he were trying to protect her from something. “I love you,” he whispered, his voice wavering. “So so much. You and Gavin both - I’d do anything for you.”

“Are you thinking about the protection program again? We could still do it.”

“Not we. Just me.”

“No,” Rey insisted again, squeezing him as if he’d leave her if she let go. “If you go, I go too.”

“I can’t let you uproot your whole life like that, I can’t!”

Rey sighed into her husband’s pajama top. “Then we’re at an impasse. You won’t let me go with you and I won’t let you go without me. It looks like we might just have to face the world as ourselves instead of hiding with new identities.”

With that, Ben shot to a sitting position. “And what if something else happens? What if next time someone actually gets hurt? I couldn’t live with myself if that happened, not after I’ve caused so much suffering already!”

Rey sensed it coming a moment before it happened - she sat up and grasped her husband across the chest just in time to catch him as his body slumped forward, his breath coming in and out in heaves as if something were stuck in his throat.

“Ben!” she shouted, her other hand wrapping around his back, cradling him in a protective embrace. “Ben, listen to me. Hear my voice.” She closed her eyes, letting out a long exhale, concentrating on their connection and letting the Force flow through both of them. “Breathe, Ben, breathe.” Her hand ran up and down his back. “Feel us, Ben, feel us. You’re not alone, you’ve never been alone.”

It took several tense moments for his breathing to return to normal and another several moments for him to reach up and stroke her arm as gently as if petting a nervous animal. They sat in the embrace, not moving, not speaking, both contemplating what was likely coming.

Since Rey had called on the dyad’s power, they would probably dream of each other’s memories tonight.

Chapter Text

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”

Gavin was staring up at Ben with pursed lips, his expression suddenly looking far too serious for a seven-year-old, especially when they were enjoying their food at Play Galaxy. The droid band on the brightly-lit stage was playing happy dance songs that were popular when Ben was a kid (not that he got much opportunity to listen to music back on Jakku) and Gavin had won a bunch of tickets at the various games. What did he have to be melancholy about?

“What is it, Gavin?”

Gavin’s lips pursed tighter as he stared down into his cola, as if he couldn’t look at his father for the actual question. “Why did Mom kill Grandpa?”

It was as if the music suddenly stopped and the bantha burger went bad in his mouth and all the other tables disappeared, silencing the constant kid chatter and leaving him alone in a void with his son.

“Why did you hate your father?”

When Ben asked that question so many years ago, he’d expected a shallow answer. An argument. A misunderstanding that had turned foul. Bitterness over being sent to train with Luke. The dark side twisting her mind so much that she now considered her father an enemy.

“Well . . .” Ben said, wringing his greasy hands, “. . . that’s a difficult question.”

“I can handle it,” said Gavin, puffing his chest out as if trying to make himself look older. “Mom’s always so sad about it - I can sense it every time we visit her or she appears to you. I’d like to help her feel better.”

“I didn’t hate him.”

For the briefest of moments he’d wondered if she was lying (or maybe he was so distracted by seeing her in her bra that he hadn’t heard her right), but no - a wave of truth flowed off of her so fierce that it made his head spin. Whatever this link between them was, whatever lies she might tell, however much she might try to manipulate him into joining her, he’d felt that this time, she was being honest.

Which, in a way, made her patricide even worse.

“She . . . was scared,” Ben finally sighed, taking a sip of cola and flinching from the sudden cold that made his head hurt. “And the dark side . . . it preys on fear.”

Again Gavin’s lips were pursed. “But Grandpa came to help her! She didn’t have to be scared anymore!”

Ben closed his eyes, scrunching his face against the headache and the memories. “Fear doesn’t always go away just because you tell it to.” He opened his eyes, staring down at his son’s bewildered face. “Weren’t you still scared when you found your mom on Geonosis?”

Gavin nodded, his eyes lowering and bringing Ben a pang of guilt for having brought up that traumatic memory. “Yeah, I was still scared, but I could sense that Mom was gonna protect me.”

Ben’s throat went dry, causing him to take another long gulp of cola despite how the sudden cold hammered the inside of his skull. “Well . . . your mom thought your grandpa couldn’t protect her.”

“Why?”

“Your daughter, she’s gone. She was weak and foolish like her father.”

Ben sucked in a long inhale in an attempt to calm himself down. “She thought your grandparents were powerless against the dark side and she thought that in order to conquer her terror, she needed to destroy everything associated with her old life.” He gazed into his son’s eyes. “I’ve seen her memories, Gavin. The voices in her head had her thinking that her parents were weak and her love for them was weak and . . .” He reached across the table and ran his head through his son’s hair. “Gavin, you know to tell us right away if you start hearing voices in your head, right?”

“Of course.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

. . .

“Hey, kid.”

Rey looked up and there he was, leaning against the eternally-red forcefield of her cell as if it were an ordinary wall since of course he couldn’t get shocked without a body. He was translucent and blueish like other ghosts today - as he’d explained a while ago, appearing in full-flesh form and being able to touch her took way too much strain to happen often (at least when she was awake - appearing in dreams was another matter).

“Dad, please, not today,” Rey mumbled, wiping her hand over her eyes in a vain attempt to keep tears out.

“Why? What happened?”

Rey felt her eyebrows going up. “You’re dead and you don’t know what day it is?”

Han twisted his mouth. “Days kinda get blurred together when you’re dead.”

Rey’s teeth ground together almost to the point of pain. “The days blur together in prison too, but I still remember that today’s the anniversary of when I . . .”

The realization seemed to hit the ghost all at once. “Oh. That.” His mouth shifted awkwardly from one side to the other as if he were struggling to chew something. “I can leave if you want.”

“No!” Rey exclaimed.

“Okay, okay,” said Han, shuffling over to Rey and sitting on the bunk next to her. “Buddy . . .”

Rey shot her hand up. “Don’t. Don’t go into the spiel about how I need to forgive myself. I can’t forgive myself and I shouldn’t forgive myself.”

Han didn’t answer; he merely reached over and touched his daughter’s cheek just like he had on that day, but all she felt was a concentration of warm air, which drew tears out of her eyes. “I wish I could feel you,” she whispered. “I don’t mean that you’d appear to me again as flesh like you did the first time - I mean . . .”

“I know,” said Han, running his specter thumb over her eyes. “I wish I could wipe those tears away like I did when you were a kid.”

Rey ended up wiping away her own tears. “Gavin said he dreamed about you and Mom the other night. I’m glad you’re visiting his dreams, but I wish . . .”

Han planted a warm, substanceless kiss on his daughter’s cheek.

. . .

Both halves of the dyad woke simultaneously and as usual, they both needed a moment to remember what was real and what was a dream. Inhales, exhales, blinking at each other in the early dawn light until their linked minds settled in their rightful bodies.

“I saw you and Gavin at Play Galaxy,” Ben whispered. “Mom and Dad used to take me there all the time when I was a kid.” Despite the circumstances, there was a ghost of a smile on his face. “I loved going there.”

Rey brushed her hand over Ben’s cheek much like how Han’s ghost had brushed his hand over her cheek in the dream. “I loved taking Gavin there too. It almost made me feel like I was getting a second chance at a childhood.”

“A second chance at a childhood . . .” Ben repeated, placing his hand on his wife’s. “It would be nice if we could all go there together now, but three adults unaccompanied by children would probably be a little awkward.”

“Well, maybe Gavin will have children of his own someday and we can all go together,” said Rey. “In the meantime, we could have our first family outing somewhere else.”

“Our first family outing,” said Ben. “Most families have their first family outing long before twenty years have passed.”

Rey kissed her husband’s forehead. “I know,” she said in a tender voice, “but that doesn’t mean it’s too late now.”

Chapter Text

Brainwashed.

The word raced around in Gavin’s mind as he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling of his old room, knowing he should get up but at the same time dreading the thought of doing so.

Brainwashed.

He shouldn’t listen to their attacker . . . he shouldn’t . . . but he couldn’t drive the word out of his head.

Brainwashed.

He didn’t feel brainwashed . . . but then again, a brainwashed person wouldn’t feel brainwashed, would they?

How would a brainwashed person figure out that they were brainwashed?

Brainwashed.

No, no, this was stupid! The attacker just said that to mess with his mind. He wasn’t going to play the guy’s game . . . he wasn’t . . .

He wasn’t . . .

Brainwashed.

. . .

That afternoon, the Solos decided to have their first family outing at the holocinema. They would be seeing a lighthearted musical romance that had nothing to do with prisons or murders or voices in the mind - it would be a “low-stress experience,” as Rey had put it.

Ben, however, wasn’t so sure. Once again, riding in the speeder made his head spin to the point where he had to close his eyes and he wondered why the hell something as simple as riding a speeder now made him sick. He used to be able to fly TIE Fighters through battles without his insides reacting one bit - why did prison make him prone to motion sickness on top of all his other difficulties?

Maybe the Force just had a cruel sense of humor.

His stomach didn’t stop churning when they arrived, either. As Rey parked the speeder, he stared at the theater entrance, the busy holographic displays advertising what was playing, the line of people waiting to buy their tickets.

People.

People who would undoubtedly recognize him. People who would flinch away from him. People who would think twenty years in prison was too light a punishment for him.

“Ben?” Rey asked, putting her hand on her husband’s shoulder. “Are you all right? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

Ben remembered going to holofilms with his parents - how they’d buy him snacks and hold his hands when the lights went out in case the sudden darkness scared him. He’d sit between his parents and they’d all laugh at funny scenes together and when they got home, they’d discuss their favorite parts and favorite characters.

He loved it.

“I want to,” he finally said, taking a deep breath. “Let’s all have fun together.”

. . .

Ben kept his eyes down as the family waited in line to buy tickets, but that didn’t stop the waves of fear from seeping into his consciousness - fear coming from parents with children, older people who remembered the First Order, younger people who had grown up hearing about the dangerous former Supreme Leader who had been in prison their whole lives.

Then as Rey was buying their tickets, actual words came flowing into his mind.

Kylo Ren . . .

He sucked in a small gasp. Though now he tried not to read people’s thoughts if he could help it, there were times when he couldn’t help it, especially when the thoughts were loud and angry and terrified and jumping from nearly every mind in the crowd.

Kylo Ren . . .

He bit down on his lips so hard that the metallic taste of blood filled his mouth. No, no, don’t break down here, don’t break down here!!

Kylo Ren . . . Kylo Ren . . . Kylo Ren . . .

“Dad,” Gavin said suddenly, putting his hand on his father’s shoulder, “why don’t you go ahead to the theater? Mom and I can get the snacks.”

Ben wanted to protest, but the churning in his stomach and the words pounding in his mind like a migraine kept him from doing so. With a small nod, he muttered that he wanted a small popcorn and a meluron soda before dashing towards the theater.

. . .

The popcorn was still as warm, buttery, and salty as Ben remembered from his childhood and it still carried that thick, mouthwatering smell. As he sat between his wife and son and the lights went down, he allowed himself to think that yes, this would be fun.

The holofilm began in a palace, where the queen and king were singing about how today they were holding a grand festival to celebrate a hundred years of peace while the servants danced around the palace singing along. Ben leaned back in his seat and took a long sip of his drink, savoring the cold, tangy, fruity taste. Yes, this was going to be fun.

After the big song-and-dance number, the scene cut to the teenage princess, who had apparently snuck out of the palace so she could go explore the mountains. Now Ben actually found himself smiling - his mother had told him many stories about how she frequently snuck out of the palace to go exploring when she was young.

This was going to be fun . . .

This was fun . . .

So why wouldn’t his stomach unclench?

Why was his hand squeezing his soda to the point of his fingers making dents in the cup?

Why was his breath shortening?

Why were his ears ringing?

With a flinch, he suddenly understood what was happening. It was a weekend afternoon, so the theater was crowded.

And the other patrons knew Kylo Ren was in the theater with them.

Their fear and anxiety flowed from all directions, smothering him . . .

Suddenly his shaking hands slammed his popcorn to the floor and dropped his soda next to it. His body doubled over as if he’d been punched in the gut, his breath coming in and out in heaves. No, no, don’t break down, don’t break down, don’t break down!

With in a few seconds, Rey’s hands were on his back. “Ben!” she whispered. “Ben, listen to me, listen to my voice, feel us, Ben!”

“N-no,” Ben gasped. “Don’t call on the dyad, we’ll forget who we are as soon as we’re apart . . .”

Now her hands were running up and down his back. “Ben, it’s all right, we can leave.”

“No . . . no, we came here to have fun . . .”

“Ben, don’t be ridiculous. None of us are having fun if you’re having a panic attack.” She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and kissed his cheek. “Now come on, let’s go home.”

Ben wanted to protest further, but by now his whole body was shaking to the point where Rey and Gavin needed to help him to his feet. He stared at the floor the whole time they were leading him out of the theater, his face hot with shame and regret.

Chapter Text

“Hey Gavin,” Tai greeted once Gavin’s parents dropped him off at his apartment. She reached over and gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder. “Are you . . . well, are you doing okay?”

Gavin shrugged. “Well, I survived the attack.”

“I didn’t ask that,” said Tai, staring into his eyes, her bare feet shuffling in the carpet. “I asked if you were doing okay.”

Gavin let out a long sigh, wriggling out of his own shoes. “I’ve been better. The guy, he said some stuff . . .”

Tai frowned, her eyes widening. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He hadn’t planned on telling any of his roommates about what the attacker said, but as he looked into Tai’s caring eyes, the whole story came out, including how he couldn’t stop thinking about how the attacker said he was brainwashed.

Once he was finished, Tai wrapped her arms around him. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That’s gotta suck. Like, really, really suck. I mean, I never knew your dad when he was Kylo Ren, but he seemed pretty nice when he was here - and really sad, you know? I can’t even imagine what kind of hell it must be to have to live with everything he did back then.”

Gavin couldn’t answer. He just hugged Tai back, letting a sob escape.

. . .

“I ordered dinner,” Rey said as she entered the living room. “You can pick something for us to watch if you want.”

She stopped in her tracks when she realized that Ben was sitting on the couch, gazing forlornly at the family holos on the wall. “There,” he said, pointing up at one of the holos, “when was that taken?”

Rey looked up at the holo in question - it was of Gavin playing with Paige and Landa when they were little. “I think Gavin was twelve or thirteen. We used to babysit Rose and Jannah’s kids and Gavin loved playing with them.”

Ben took a deep breath as he pointed at another holo, this one of Gavin standing in a grassy field, holding a ball up. “How about that one?”

“That’s when he was six, during his first Force seminar. That ball was the first thing he’d ever levitated.”

Ben nodded. “Yes, I remember you telling me about that.” Another inhale as he pointed at another holo. “And that one?”

This holo was of Gavin standing between his uncles in front of a large fish tank in which a giant gooberfish swam. “That’s when he was ten and Finn and Poe took us to the aquarium. I was there too, but I was taking the holo.” Finally she sat next to her husband, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. “Sweetheart, what happened, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed us to go out so soon.”

“It’s not your fault.” Ben sounded like he was swallowing a sob, but still he gazed up at the holos, sucking in another haggard breath. “It’s wrong for me to grieve all this, isn’t it?”

“Grieve what?”

He gestured up at the holos. “This. All this. I shouldn’t wish I was with you all those times.” A hard swallow. “I brought my years in prison on myself and I should be thankful that I got out at all. I already have much more than I deserve.” He sniffled. “It’s wrong for me to be selfish and wish . . .” He trailed off, as if merely saying anything more was taboo.

Rey stroked her husband’s shoulder, wishing she knew what to say. “I wish you could have been there too,” she whispered in a feeble voice, “but things . . . just didn’t work out that way.”

“I brought it on myself,” said Ben. “I know. I’m just whining.”

“Ben . . .”

“You shouldn’t have married me.”

Rey felt her face hardening. “Don’t say that.” Her grip on his shoulder tightened. “Ben, when I married you, I knew it would be difficult. Even though Gavin was only five at the time, he understood that it would be difficult too. We were both willing to go through with it because we love you.”

“I don’t deserve love!” he shouted, suddenly flinching away from her touch. “I’ve been hearing it for twenty years - ‘oh Ben, I forgave you a long time ago,’ ‘oh Ben, you’re not that person anymore,’ ‘oh Ben, we love you no matter what’ - well does any of that matter when the innocent people I killed are still dead?? Including . . .”

Once again he trailed off, a sob stuck in his throat, and Rey didn’t need the Force to know who he was referring to.

“Ben . . .” Rey whispered again, though she wasn’t sure what she was going to say afterwards.

“And even if I did deserve this,” Ben interrupted, “I’m still a burden! I can’t do something as simple as ride a speeder without getting dizzy! I can’t go to a holofilm without having a panic attack! How can we even try to have a normal life??”

“Our lives have never been normal.”

“You know what I mean!”

There was a tense silence for several moments afterwards, during which Rey tried to send him soothing feelings through the Force only to feel herself being pushed back. “Ben,” she finally said, “your parents had panic attacks too.”

His body stiffened at the mention of his parents.

“Don’t act surprised,” Rey continued, remembering the many times she’d dreamed about lying in bed between Leia and Han only for one of them to wake up screaming. “I’ve seen your memories and your mother used to tell me stories. I know about how both your parents sometimes suffered panic attacks.”

“It was different for them,” Ben muttered. “Mom didn’t choose to have her planet destroyed and Dad didn’t choose to get taken in by an abusive gangster. I chose my actions!”

Rey let out a sigh through her nose. “Well . . . I also talked to your therapist. He said he could have an emergency appointment with you tomorrow. He can even do it over the comm so you won’t have to ride a speeder.”

Ben said nothing.

She sighed again, wanting to embrace him but figuring that he needed some space right now. “Well, an appointment with him is a start, at least.”

With that, D-O rolled into the living room, craning his neck up at them. “Here,” he said. “F-Food is here.”

Rey managed to smile at the little droid. “Thank you, D-O. I’ll go get it.”

As she rose from the sofa, she caught sight of the droid tilting his head at Ben. “S-Sad?” he asked.

Ben gave another sniffle. “Yes,” he said. “Sad.”

. . .

“BEN SOLO!!!”

Ben jolted awake, his bleary eyes opening in time to see his wife storming into the bedroom from the adjacent refresher. “Huh?” he mumbled. “What’s going on?”

Rey was glaring down at him, hands on her hips. “You left the seat up!”

“Seat?” Ben yawned, wondering if she was intentionally talking in riddles or if there was something obvious he wasn’t getting. “What seat?”

Rey groaned, looking at him as if he’d asked what two plus two was. “The toilet seat!”

Ben yawned again. “I did? Well, I was tired last night, I guess I could have, but why is that a problem?”

“It’s gross, that’s why!”

As he pushed himself to a sitting position and looked up into his beautiful wife’s glaring eyes, Ben suddenly found himself snickering. In less than a second, the snicker turned into a chortle and the chortle turned into a full-on laugh.

“What?” Rey asked. “What’s so funny?”

“Look at us,” Ben said between bursts of laughter. “We’re arguing about the toilet seat! Like a normal couple!”

For a moment Rey stared at him as if she thought he was crazy, but then the laughter started overtaking her as well. “You’re right! We are arguing like a normal couple!”

They laughed together, relishing in the moment of feeling normal.

Chapter Text

“Well, I can prescribe some anti-nausea pills,” said the hologram of Krain Avan, the orange-skinned Zabrak who had been Ben’s therapist ever since he first went to prison. “That should help you be more comfortable riding in speeders.”

“But why is it happening?” Ben pressed. “I never used to get motion sickness before prison.”

Krain’s kind eyes gazed into Ben’s. “That was before you went twenty years without riding a speeder. Your body needs to get used to it all over again. However, with the help of the anti-nausea pills, it shouldn’t take too long to get used to it.”

Ben nodded, gripping the edge of the kitchen table in case his hands started shaking. “And what about the panic attacks?”

“Well, I’m afraid those are more difficult, but panic attacks are common for people who have recently been released from prison. After so many years in a regimented environment, it can be tough to adjust to regular life.”

And that’s without having the Force on top of everything else, he thought, still gripping the table. “Yesterday, at the holocinema, I could feel how everyone was afraid of me. I didn’t even last five minutes before I had to leave, dragging my family with me. Oh, Ben said he was fine with us leaving, but I could still sense his disappointment at missing the holofilm, and Gavin’s too.”

Krain cocked his head. “You sense Ben’s disappointment?”

Ben blinked, realizing what had happened. “I . . . AUGH . . . these stupid memory lapses!” He squeezed his head between his hands, his breath fluctuating. “This never happened on Jakku . . . no, wait, I didn’t grow up on Jakku, did I?”

The therapist shook his head. “Your wife is the one who grew up on Jakku.”

“Right . . . right.” Ben sucked in a long breath as he released his head. “I’d like to get a job, but even forgetting about everything else, what if that happened when I was on duty?”

“Well, you’ve told me that the memory lapses don’t happen when you and your wife are together,” Krain said calmly. “What if you worked in her garage?”

Ben sighed. “She suggested that too, but I feel funny collecting a paycheck from her since that way I’m not actually adding to the family’s income.”

“You could still help her business grow,” said Krain.

“Maybe,” said Ben, “but I’d probably rather work somewhere else.” Even though the thought of working anywhere with people who would probably see him as Kylo Ren sent his stomach into turmoil.

“In any case, there’s no hurry to get a job right this minute,” said Krain. “You can take this one step at a time.”

“One step at a time,” Ben mumbled. “Even though I’m middle-aged and I’ve wasted a huge chunk of my life already.”

. . .

After the session, Ben went browsing through the shelves, looking at his wife’s collection of Jedi texts - both the ancient ones and tomes that she had written herself about her new way of teaching the Force - and holofilms. Rey and Gavin had accumulated a large collection of holofilms in the last two decades, most of which Ben had never seen, but there were a few he remembered from his own childhood.

But then two particular holofilms grabbed his attention.

They stood side-by-side and they both had “HELP ME THROUGH LIFE” written in big colorful letters on the side of the case - clearly they were meant for children. One was titled “HELP ME THROUGH LIFE: Death” and the other was titled “HELP ME THROUGH LIFE: Incarceration.”

Incarceration?

Clearly Rey had gotten these holodiscs long ago to help Gavin deal with his biological parents’ deaths and his adopted father being in prison.

Incarceration.

Stars, Ben didn’t know that any children’s holo ever dealt with incarceration. Death, sure, a lot of kids had to deal with death in one form or another, so there would be a demand for a kids’ holo that dealt with death. But incarceration?

Ben grabbed the disc.

. . .

Rey came home to find her husband sprawled out on the couch, eyes glued to the holovid - which was playing the credits of that old children’s holo about incarceration that she had bought for Gavin years ago.

“Oh,” she exclaimed softly. “You found that.”

Ben pushed himself to a sitting position, patting the cushion next to him as he turned the holovid off. “It’s very well done,” he said in a low voice. “I especially liked the segment where the little girl went to visit her mother in prison. It shows kids what to expect when visiting someone in prison.”

“Yes,” said Rey, feeling a hollowness in her stomach.

“And how it emphasized that it’s never the kid’s fault when a parent goes to prison,” Ben continued, still gazing at the holovid even though it was turned off. “And that whatever the kid is feeling - angry, sad, confused - it’s okay to feel that way. I’m glad you found that for Gavin.”

Rey gulped. “The first time we watched it, Gavin cried at the part where the little boy was picked on at school for his dad being in prison. He had just started school himself and some of the kids were picking on him.”

“But the holo gave good advice there,” said Ben, still not looking her in the eye. “Tell adults you trust and remember that you’re not alone.”

“Yes,” said Rey. “Gavin and I told his teacher about what was happening, a lot like in the holo.” She gently wrapped her arm around her husband’s shoulder, squeezing him close to her, feeling the tension both in his muscle and flowing from the Force. “How did the appointment go?”

“He’s prescribing some anti-nausea pills to help me get used to riding speeders again,” Ben mumbled before letting out a long sigh. “One thing about that holo - it never flat-out said what any of the parents did to end up in prison.”

“I think that was on purpose,” said Rey. “So any kid who had a parent in prison could identify with it.”

“Yeah, but a parent being in prison for possessing illegal spice is different from a parent being in prison for murdering countless innocents including his own father!” His shoulders further tensed up in her grasp. “I’m guessing that holoseries doesn’t have a special about that.”

Rey inhaled through her nose, squeezing his shoulder. “Ben, I know you’re feeling a lot of guilt. It’s understandable, but it’s also been a long time. Maybe you should try to let go of the guilt.”

With that, Ben leapt to his feet so abruptly that Rey almost fell over. “Let go?? Let go when Dad and all the others are still dead?? Let go when I tortured you and General Dameron and all those other prisoners??”

Rey swallowed as she stood up, reaching out to caress his shoulder only for him to flinch away. “Well what’s the alternative? Wallowing in this for the rest of your life? You have a second chance for a life here!”

“Tell that to the police who are still guarding the apartment every night because of that guy who thought I shouldn’t have a second chance for a life!” Ben snapped. “Tell that to all the people at the holocinema who were terrified of Kylo Ren being there! Tell that to the kids who bullied Gavin because his father was in prison.” He gestured at the holovid. “You shouldn’t have needed a holo about incarceration!”

“You’re right, we shouldn’t have,” said Rey. “But the fact is that you’ve served your time and whether people like it or not, you can’t be arrested for Kylo Ren’s actions again. It’s time for all of us to move forward!”

“So we have a happy family life while forgetting that I was Kylo Ren??” Ben shouted. “We just ignore that??”

“Of course not!” Rey shouted back. “But you also can’t let your life go by while you sink into despair!”

“It’s what I fucking deserve!!”

With that, D-O came rolling into the living room, craning his neck up in an anxious manner. “A-angry?”

Both Rey and Ben released extended sighs. “No,” said Rey. “Just frustrated.”

Chapter Text

“Brainwashed . . .

Brainwashed . . .

You’re brainwashed . . .”

The voice shouted in Gavin’s mind as he ran down the bright, sterile corridor, unsure where he was going, only knowing that he had to get away or the bad people would get him.

“You’re brainwashed . . .”

Up and down the branching hallways, the sharp smell of antiseptic clogging his nostrils, his heart ramming against his ribs. They were coming, they were almost here, he could feel it!

“There you are!”

The hands emerged from behind him, squeezing him around the torso to the point of pain and no matter how much he screamed and kicked, he couldn’t break himself free. They yanked him back, back, back . . .

“You’re brainwashed . . .”

Suddenly he was in a darkened room, the hands strapping him to a cold, hard table.

“Don’t be afraid,” said a deep, hard, menacing voice. “It won’t hurt, and when it’s over, you’ll be happy.”

A scream built up in Gavin’s throat, but his mouth couldn’t emit it.

“You’ll be happy,” the voice continued. “Happy and content and you’ll love me. Why, you’ll even call me your father!”

. . .

“Gavin! Gavin! Wake up!”

Gavin woke mid-scream to find Lindin hovering over him, shaking his shoulder. The bedroom lights were on and his covers were twisted around his legs.

“You okay?” Lindin asked. “You were screaming bloody murder.”

It took several deep breaths before Gavin could speak, and even then the question that came out wasn’t the one he’d intended. “What do you think of my dad?”

“What?”

“Tell me honestly. What do you think of my dad?”

Lindin stared at him as if he wondered if Gavin was still half-asleep. “I think he’s got a lotta issues and it’s not really my place to comment on them.”

“That’s not an answer.” Gavin shuffled to a sitting position, staring his roommate in the eye. “You’re scared of him, admit it! After all, he’s a convicted murderer!”

Lindin’s eyes bulged as if Gavin had punched him. “Look, he helped save you, I appreciate that.”

“But you’re still scared of him,” said Gavin. “Are you scared of me too?”

“Of course not.”

“Why not? After all, I’m the son of a convicted murderer!”

“We aren’t our parents!” Lindin said too quickly, immediately twisting his mouth and seeming to realize that he’d said exactly the wrong thing. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” asked Gavin, feeling pressure building up in his chest. “It’s true, isn’t it? You’re not scared of me cause I’m not my wicked evil dad! I bet you pity me just like that guy does! You pity how I got brainwashed into loving him because I was too young to know better when I was adopted and now it’s too late to force myself to stop loving him!”

Now Lindin’s eyes were lowered. “Look Gavin, that guy said a lot of shit and I get that you’re all distressed from that, but don’t take it out on us!”

The pressure on Gavin’s chest felt like a small murmur, creeping around and struggling to get out. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I just, I got a lotta stress on me right now. My dad’s been through hell and I think he’s having trouble adjusting to life in the free world.” He let out a sigh. “And it doesn’t help that the world thinks he deserves hell.”

. . .

That evening, Rey arranged a small gathering at the Solos’ apartment, inviting Gavin, Finn, Poe, Chewie, Lando, Rose, Jannah, Paige, Landa, and the droids for casual dinner and socializing. Finger foods and drinks were set out in the kitchen and people could fill their plates however they wanted.

Gavin, however, sat alone in the kitchen. He hadn’t bothered to fill a plate, pour a drink, or even greet the other guests for fear that he might ruin the evening for the others. Ben had enough to worry about right now without Gavin burdening him with that damn word brainwashed, especially since he could sense that for once his father seemed to be enjoying himself.

“Hey.”

Gavin looked up and there was Paige, a cup of Rodian cola in her hand. “Hi,” he muttered.

Paige crinkled her lip. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Gavin said too quickly to be convincing.

Paige’s lip crinkled further. “It’s about how that guy called you brainwashed, isn’t it?”

“Who told you about that??”

“Well, your parents told Chewie and Chewie told Grandpa and Grandpa told Mama and Mama told the rest of us.”

A loud groan escaped, though Gavin supposed he couldn’t have expected something like this to remain a secret. “Look, I’m okay. The guy was an idiot who didn’t understand anything about us anyway.”

Paige looked like she was about to tell him off for lying, but before she could do so, 3PO’s voice came bellowing from the living room. “Attention everyone!” he shouted. “R2 has something very special to show all of you!”

“What’s this?” Paige asked.

“No idea,” said Gavin. “Guess we’d better go find out.”

. . .

“Attention!” 3PO said once everyone was gathered in the living room. “Since we are celebrating Little Master Ben’s return from prison, R2 has a special surprise for all of you!”

R2 gave a happy beep, rolling back and forth as the guests applauded.

“Go ahead, R2,” said 3PO. “Show them.”

With another happy beep, R2 shone a light out of his eye, projecting a life-size hologram of a dark-haired baby standing on the floor, his tiny hand reaching out at something. From his place at the end of the sofa, Ben gulped, his hand squeezing his drink - he knew this recording, though it had been many years since he’d last seen it.

“Ben?” came the achingly familiar voice of his mother, tightening his chest. “Do you like R2?” the recorded voice said in a high tone. “Is R2 fun?”

The baby gave a happy coo, his holographic hand thumping on the side of R2’s dome - simultaneously thumping on R2 of the past and R2 of the present.

“Yes,” Leia’s recorded voice continued. “Yes, R2’s fun!”

Ben inhaled, swallowing the tears threatening to prick at his eyelids.

Now the baby giggled, drawing various “awww” sounds from the audience.

“Can you say ‘R2,’ Ben?” It was Han’s deep, comforting voice. “Can ya say ‘R2’?”

Ben gulped.

The holographic baby babbled some more, though there was a distinct “oooh” sound at the end of the babbling, which drew a joyous laugh from Han.

“He said it!” Though Han wasn’t visible in the recording, Ben could easily see his father’s proud grin in his mind. “He said ‘R2!’ Our boy’s a little genius!”

As the recording ended, the audience gave a fresh chorus of “awww!” sounds, followed by applause, but Ben could only stare at the spot where his infant self had been a moment before, knowing nothing of the future, knowing only that he liked the beeping droid.

. . .

Further entertainment was provided by the Tico-Calrissian girls - Paige playing her miniature keyboard she’d brought with her and Landa singing to her accompaniment. They performed an angry breakup song that was apparently really popular with teenagers right now, so of course Ben had never heard it. How much popular culture had he missed out on? Should he compile a list of holofilms and songs that he wanted to experience? Where would he even start with such a list?

“My granddaughters!” Lando exclaimed with pride once the song ended and the audience started applauding.

Once Paige and Landa were seated again, Rey wrapped her arm around her husband. “Ben,” she said, “I have something to tell you.” A grin was pulling at the edge of her lips, as if this particular something had been bubbling up inside her all evening.

“What?” Ben asked.

“Remember after you got out of prison, how I brought up that we never had a honeymoon?”

“Yeah,” said Ben, “but I don’t have leave to travel off-planet yet.”

“Who said anything about off-planet?” said Rey, that beautiful grin now stretching across her face. “It won’t be a complete honeymoon, but it can be like a mini-honeymoon.”

“What do you mean?”

“I booked us a reservation at a hotel for this weekend,” said Rey, squeezing his hand. “It’s got a pool and a restaurant and a dance club and it’s not far away, so with your anti-nausea pills you should be able to handle the speeder ride there.”

For a moment Ben just stared at her, unsure what to say. It sounded like fun - lots of fun - but after what happened at the holocinema, he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive.

She squeezed his hand harder. “It’ll be okay,” she whispered. “Any time you start to feel uncomfortable, we can just go back to our room.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Also, I checked - they’ve got good security too.”

The mere fact that she had to ask about the security was enough to knot up Ben’s stomach, remind him that he wasn’t any regular hotel guest and had to be protected from the possible rage of other guests.

Some part of him wanted to say he wasn’t ready for this. Rey would surely understand.

But another part was saying something else.

Seven years of life lost to the dark side.

Twenty years of life lost to prison.

How much more time will you lose being afraid?

“Okay,” he said, smiling at his wife and squeezing her hand back. “Let’s do it.”

Chapter Text

Ben hadn’t stayed in a hotel since he was a child, when he and his parents used to vacation together. As such, he didn’t know what to expect when he and his wife entered the hotel lobby. Immediately he was hit with the clean, fresh smell of various flowers, which were set up on every desk and table. A dark red carpet decked the floor and holos of various Coruscant recreation spots hung on the walls. There was the top of Coruscant’s one remaining mountain, an indoor water park, an aquarium – Ben wondered if maybe they could visit some of these places sometime soon as well.

The droid behind the desk checked them in without giving Ben a second glance, which Ben took as a positive sign even though the droid was likely programmed to be courteous and friendly to all guests.

When the couple made it to their room, Ben actually smiled. The room carried a clean, inviting smell, as if it actively wanted to make people comfortable. A dark blue comforter covered the couple-sized bed, which sat under a holo of an ocean. The window gave a magnificent view of the cityscape and the speeders forever darting up and down their skylanes, but to Ben’s delight, it also had a curtain that could be pulled over the window for privacy.

“This looks wonderful,” said Ben.

Rey wrapped her arm around her husband’s shoulders. “So what do you think? Would you like to get settled in first or try out the pool now?”

The pool. It had been so many years since Ben had last gone swimming for fun and not for training or battle. For a moment his mind went back to his childhood, his parents teaching him to swim in one of Naboo’s lakes. “Pool,” he said, his smile widening.

. . .

The pool was on the roof of the hotel, surrounded by lounge chairs. The water sparkled in the sunlight, once again reminding Ben of the lakes on Naboo, though the sharp smell of chlorine brought memories of hotel pools from when his parents would bring him along on missions and make it into a vacation.

Next to him, Rey was wearing a dark blue tank-top swimsuit, the sun highlighting her hair as it curled around her shoulders. “So,” she said, “ease or jump?”

“What?”

“Sorry,” said Rey. “When Finn taught me how to swim many years ago, he told me that some people like to ease themselves into cold water to slowly get their bodies used to the temperature while others just want to jump in and get it all done with. So which do you prefer?”

Ben shrugged. “It’s been a long time since I went swimming for fun and I honestly don’t know.”

“Okay,” said Rey, “well personally, I jump.”

Then, as if she wanted to give a visual demonstration, she ran up to the deep end of the pool and jumped in, creating a giant splash that probably would have bothered other patrons if there was anyone else currently in the pool.

When she surfaced, her body was shivering, but she maintained a smile in spite of it. “Come on in, Ben!” she shouted, slapping the water. “The water’s great!”

Though Ben still wasn’t sure what his answer to the ease-or-jump-question would be, seeing his wife jump motivated him to jump himself, which he did . . .

. . . and immediately he was sputtering and shivering.

“It wakes you up, doesn’t it?” Rey said, grinning at her husband.

“You m-might say that,” Ben sputtered through chattering teeth. “Okay, I have an answer to your question: I’m an ease person.”

Rey laughed, swimming up to her husband. “Don’t worry, it only takes a few minutes to get used to it.” She bobbed upright in the water, reaching out to him. “Here this should help you warm up.”

She took his face into her damp, chilly hands and kissed him. Her lips were cold against his and he could taste the water purification chemicals, but still he eagerly responded to the kiss, wrapping his arms around her as they bobbed up and down together.

“You’re right,” he said after they pulled out of the kiss. “That did warm me up.”

“Told you.”

Both halves of the dyad leaned back, letting the water carry them. Ben soon found that Rey was right – his body didn’t take long to get accustomed to the water temperature. His breath instinctively came in and out in long heaves, but he didn’t mind it. It actually felt . . . calming, unlike during countless failed meditation sessions with Luke when the deep breaths made him dizzy.

“Remember the Death Star wreckage?” he suddenly asked.

“What? Why do you bring that up?” Rey exclaimed.

Ben flipped his body upright so he could look at his wife. “All the water. I think that was the last time I’ve seen so much water in one place. And, well, it’s an important memory.” He took a deep breath, his exhale making tiny ripples in the water. “I mean, it’s not exactly a happy memory since Mom died and all, but it was where I woke up from the dark side.” He gazed into his wife’s shining eyes. “And that moment when you healed me, that was when I knew I loved you.”

Rey gave an embarrassed chuckle, looking down and blowing her own ripples into the water. “I think some part of me started to fall in love with you then too.”

. . .

After spending at least an hour in the pool, Rey and Ben settled themselves in the lounge chairs to let the sun dry them off. Ben leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes, absorbing the sunlight on his face. Had he forgotten how warm the sun was after so many years inside? Or had he just never noticed how good the sun felt on his face?

“I’m going to get something to eat,” Rey said. “Do you want to come?”

“No,” Ben mumbled. “I’m too comfortable.”

“All right,” said Rey. “I’ll be right back.”

Ben remained still, absorbing the warmth, letting it lull him into a pleasant drowsiness.

Within five minutes, he fell asleep.

. . .

It seemed only a moment later when a sudden cold, sharp blast of water spritzing right into Ben’s face woke him up, followed by a tiny voice shouting somewhere nearby.

“Bad man Kyo Wen!”

With a sputter, Ben opened his eyes, finding himself face-to-face with a little human girl who only looked around two or three years old, pointing a toy water blaster straight at him. “Bad man Kyo Wen!” she repeated, glaring at him and holding the toy up as seriously as if it were a real blaster.

“Shirla!” an older voice shrieked. “No!”

With that, a woman came running up to them and scooped the child into her arms. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she screamed. “I told her to stay away from you! Please don’t hurt her!!”

“It’s okay,” said Ben.

The woman slowly started backing away, holding her hand up as if trying to block a blasterbolt while the child kept the water blaster aimed at him. “Stay away!” the mother screamed. “Stay away! Don’t hurt us!”

“I’m not hurting anyone!” said Ben.

But still the woman’s fear pulsed off of her. “Don’t hurt us!” she repeated as if she hadn’t heard him. “Please, please, stay away, we’re leaving, PLEASE DON’T HURT US!”

She ran off with her daughter still in her arms, leaving Ben staring after them, his hands starting to tremble, his breath starting to shorten.

Finally Rey came back, holding a smoothie in each hand. “I brought you a smoothie,” she said before she noticed her husband shaking and her lips crinkled into a frown. “Ben? What’s going on?”

Ben took a deep breath. “Nothing,” he mumbled. “I want to go back to the room.”

Chapter Text

Ben didn’t bother to change out of his swimming trunks when he and Rey got back to their room. Instead he flopped down on the bed and took a large chug of his smoothie, not caring about the sudden cold pain it brought to his head, hardly noticing the icy, fruity taste, his mind replaying the terrified mother screaming at him not to hurt her and her child.

“Ben?” Rey asked, crawling onto the bed next to him, also still in her swimsuit. “Something happened while I was gone, didn’t it?”

Ben slammed the smoothie down on the nightstand. “It’s nothing important,” he said through clenched teeth.

“It’s obviously important enough to upset you,” said Rey, reaching out to touch his shoulder only for him to flinch away. “Sweetheart, come on.”

“All right!” Ben shouted, everything exploding out of him in a single breath. “I fell asleep after you left, a little girl woke me up squirting water in my face and calling me ‘bad man Kylo Ren,’ then the girl’s mother started freaking out like she seriously thought I was gonna Force-choke both of them! There, happy?”

“Ben . . .”

Ben held up his hand. “Don’t. It’s the sort of thing I should get used to if I’m gonna be out in the world, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter that I helped you defeat Palpatine or that I helped save all those kids or that I did my time in prison – people are always gonna give me dirty looks! I’m still Kylo Ren to the galaxy and as far as they’re concerned I’ll always be Kylo Ren!”

Rey blinked at him, sucking in a long inhale. “We can go home now,” she said, glancing downward and running her hand over the comforter. “I’m sorry, it was a mistake to do this so soon after your release. I regretted that we never got a honeymoon and I tried to fix that without taking into account . . .”

“No,” Ben interrupted, gently pushing her chin up to look at him. “I want to have a good time and I can’t just sit at the apartment and be afraid of doing anything.” He leaned over and gave her lips a quick kiss. “We can’t let a little girl with a water blaster ruin our honeymoon, especially not when we waited twenty years to have one.”

. . .

That evening, Rey and Ben went to have dinner at the hotel’s restaurant which, while not fancy enough to require special dress or months-earlier reservations, was certainly fancier than anything Ben had seen since going to prison. Chandeliers hung over every table and booth, giving the room a warm, inviting glow. Each table was covered with a lavender cloth and a vase of flowers sat in the center of each one. The room itself was circular, its outer wall one long window giving a view of the sunset over Coruscant.

And there were people.

Ben held his breath as the host droid led them to their booth, concentrating on raising a shield around his mind, blocking away whatever thoughts the patrons might be having about Kylo Ren being in the restaurant. Their thoughts have no power over you, he told himself. You served your time, you can’t be arrested again, their thoughts can’t hurt you.

Once they were seated, Ben focused on his wife across from him – her bright hazel eyes, her freshly-shampooed hair, the simple yet tasteful light blue shirt she was wearing. He breathed in through his nose, taking in her presence not only through his senses but through the Force. There’s only us, he thought. This table is an island away from the others, we’re the only ones here.

Rey reached across the table and gripped his hand. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m here.”

Ben gave a small smile. “I know.” Island, island, this table is an island.

The server droid brought them glasses of ice water and a basket of rolls, saying their waiter would be with them shortly. Once the droid left, Rey raised her glass, a grin on her face. “To us,” she said. “The couple who will never be normal.”

Ben raised his own glass and clinked it against Rey’s. “To never being normal.”

“I think normal is overrated, personally,” said Rey.

“Me too,” said Ben, “though it might be nice if things could be a bit more normal for us. Just a bit.” He took a gulp of the fresh, cold water, feeling it invigorate his throat, which felt good, though he couldn’t afford to dwell on it too much for fear that it would divert his concentration from his mental barrier. There’s no one else here. Just us. The table is an island.

“Ben?” Rey suddenly asked. “Are you all right?”

Some part of Ben wanted to curse their bond – she’d no doubt sensed that he was putting up barriers. “I’m fine,” he said, giving her a smile and hoping it looked natural. Their thoughts can’t hurt you, the table is an island. “I’m enjoying a dinner date with the most beautiful woman in the galaxy, after all.” Island, island, the table is an island, there’s no one else here. He started buttering a roll. It’s just the two of us, alone on an island.

Then came a man’s scream.

Island, island, island.

But no matter how many times his mind repeated the word, a mental barrier couldn’t make him deaf.

“What the hell is going on??” the same voice shouted. “Why did you let him in here??”

“Sir,” said the server droid, “my duties are to serve the customers. I am not programmed to exclude anyone.”

“Well you’d better damn well exclude KYLO REN!”

Island. island, island, ISLAND!

A chorus of gasps and screams echoed around the room, puncturing through the barrier and sending a torrent of thoughts and feelings flooding into Ben’s mind. He saw glimpses of himself, face maniacal, flaming red lightsaber drawn, killing all the patrons. The terror from the other customers yanked at him, pulling him down, down, down into a void.

“Ben! Ben!”

Only then did he realize his shaking hands had knocked the bread basket off the table. Rey had leaped out of her seat and was rushing to his side, gathering him in her arms. “Ben, it’s okay, Ben, breathe, breathe, it’s okay.”

“It’s NOT!” Ben shouted.

Rey squeezed her husband closer, running her fingers up and down his back. “Breathe, Ben, BREATHE! Feel us, you’ve never been alone, feel us!”

Suddenly there came a long, loud clearing of a throat. Both Rey and Ben looked up to find a Mon Calamari man in a tan suit glaring down at them.

“Mr. and Mrs. Solo?” he asked in a stern voice.

“Yes?” said Rey.

“I’m the manager,” the man said, his orange lips curling as he looked down at the couple. “I’ve been overloaded with complaints in the last – well, the last five minutes or so.”

Rey gulped, glancing at the fallen bread basket and the rolls scattered on the floor. “I can clean that up,” she said, though Ben could sense that she knew perfectly well that people weren’t complaining about the bread.

“It’s not that,” said the manager. “Look, I don’t like having to say this, but . . .” He gestured down at Ben. “. . . his presence is making a lot of the guests uncomfortable.”

“We haven’t bothered anyone!” Rey shouted, leaping to her full height and staring him in the eye.

“I know,” said the manager, “and I don’t like doing this, but I need to think about the well-being of all the guests. I’ll make it up to you, okay? We’ll serve you free room service for the rest of your stay here.” Now he was looking down at Ben, and Ben could feel the harshness in his stare and the eagerness to get rid of him. “You understand, don’t you?”

Ben rose from his seat, glaring at the manager, wishing for just one moment that it would be socially acceptable to Force-push him against the wall. “Yes,” he said. “I understand perfectly.”

. . .

Once the Solo couple was safely back in the hotel room, Ben released a long, frustrated scream. “You UNDERSTAND, don’t you??” he snarled. “They want me to just UNDERSTAND that I’m bothering people with my mere EXISTENCE!” He slammed his fist against the mattress. “But it’s OKAY to kick someone out when they haven’t done anything so long as that person’s KYLO REN! It’s okay, he’ll UNDERSTAND how unbearable his presence is!”

“Ben, it’s . . . BEN!” Rey quickly stuck her hand out, using the Force to catch a lamp that was dropping towards the floor. “You don’t need to take your anger out on a lamp – we can leave right now.”

Ben took one long inhale, two, three, before his eyes narrowed. “No,” he said in a steady voice. “The manager offered us free room service – I say we take advantage of that. Order as much room service as we can possibly eat. Dessert too! Hell, we can even get wine!”

“I thought you didn’t like alcohol,” said Rey.

“I don’t!” Ben exclaimed. “But does that matter? Wine is expensive and making that manager feel the loss would be worth a few headaches.”

Rey chewed on the inside of her cheek. She was certain that the Jedi would disapprove of this action and say they were letting anger cloud their minds.

But as she recalled the manager’s cold, stern voice kicking them out, she felt her lips curling downward and her eyebrows lowering.

“You’re right,” she said. “Let’s do it!”

Chapter Text

For the next three days, Rey and Ben put their plan into action to take advantage of free room service. In the morning, they ordered a large breakfast, including caf, dessert, and the most expensive items that they felt like eating. Since they hadn’t been banned from the pool, they went swimming after breakfast, thankful for both the fact that other guests didn’t seem to want to swim in the morning and the fact that swimming helped make them hungry for the large, expensive lunch they would order afterwards. They spent most of the afternoon sleeping off the meals and woke up in time for dinner, which would be the largest meal of the day, consisting of appetizers, entries, dessert, and an expensive bottle of wine.

Rey had a rule that they had to eat everything they ordered – after her scavenging days she never wanted to waste food – though she made an exception one evening when they both felt certain that they would throw up if they ate one more bite of the pricey-but-extremely-filling Corellian rum cake. Ben, meanwhile, dutifully drank the wine with his wife, enduring the burning in his throat and the wooziness that came afterwards for the sake of getting back at the manager.

Of course, when they talked to their family and friends on the comm and told them what they were doing, everyone had an opinion.

“Just make sure you know what you’re doing,” Finn said. “I don’t want you guys getting into more trouble.”

“Well, what happened to you sucks,” said Poe, “but you’ve thought up an awesome revenge scheme!”

“Make that manager hurt,” said Rose.

“Just don’t make yourselves sick,” said Jannah. “Getting payback isn’t worth ruining your bodies for.”

“This is one of the most awesome things I’ve ever heard of,” said Paige.

“Make sure you’ve got indigestion medicine handy,” said Landa.

“Ben, your dad would be so damn proud of you!” said Lando.

[If you want, I’ll come over and help you eat the manager out of his money,] said Chewie.

“Oh dear,” said 3PO. “I really don’t understand human behavior sometimes.”

Gavin, however, just frowned at his parents. “Are you serious?” he exclaimed. “You’re gorging yourselves just to get back at the restaurant manager?”

“Gavin,” said Rey, “if you were there . . .”

“I don’t need to have been there!” Gavin interrupted, his hologram flickering. “Shit, am I really telling my parents how petty and immature they’re being??”

“Gavin,” said Ben, “what the manager did was wrong. Your mother and I believe in fighting injustice. So did your grandparents, I might add.” Indeed, his mind’s eye saw his father clapping him on the back and saying to give the manager hell and his mother scolding them for being childish while at the same being unable to stop herself from grinning.

“And you think this will be the only time??” Gavin shouted. “Dad was the terror of the galaxy – do you really expect people to be okay with him going around in public?”

Ben’s heart thumped. He’d been called the terror of the galaxy many times, but had his son ever called him that? “Gavin, buddy, I know this isn’t the most mature decision. Your great-uncle Luke would probably lecture me for hours about how this could send me down the dark path again, but . . .”

“But what?” Gavin interrupted. “This will make you feel better? Spending half your honeymoon in the refresher makes you feel better? You know that manager will just make back whatever money he loses on your stupid scheme, right?”

Ben sighed, lowering his eyes, suddenly wishing that they’d opted not to tell Gavin about this until they were home.

“Sweetheart,” interjected Rey, “don’t worry about us. You don’t have to approve of what we’re doing, all right?”

“I don’t,” said Gavin, glaring at his parents as if they were the immature children and he was the father.

“Fine,” said Rey, smiling to show that she meant it. “You can even tell your roommates about how stupid we’re being.”

Gavin’s eyes widened as if he couldn’t believe he was actually being given permission for that. “All right,” he said, “I think I will.”

. . .

Gavin did indeed tell his roommates about his parents’ little “revenge” scheme, but they didn’t react as he’d hoped.

Tai just burst out laughing so hard she had to grip the wall for support. “I wish I could see that!” she gasped out through her laughter. “Vengeance through food!”

That caused Hamda to snort into her juice. “Tai, don’t make me choke!” she shouted. “But yeah, that’s hilarious. Weird, but hilarious.”

Lindin, meanwhile, just shrugged from his spot on the couch, a sly grin on his face. “I think I’d do something like that too.”

“Seriously?” Gavin exclaimed. “None of you think this is outrageous??”

“Of course it’s outrageous!” said Tai, who had finally gotten control of herself. “That’s why it’s so funny!”

“I can’t believe this!” Gavin shouted.

“Hey,” said Hamda, “let your parents have a little fun. They never got to do reckless stuff together when they were our age, after all.”

Gavin wanted to argue that they did plenty of reckless stuff when they were fighting on opposite sides during the war, but instead he just threw up his hands and stormed to the bedroom.

. . .

It was the last day of the honeymoon. Rey and Ben were having their afternoon nap before they would be ordering a huge free dinner for the final time. They both wore only t-shirts and underwear, Rey’s head rested on her husband’s chest, the sheets wrapped around their bodies as the sun’s gentle rays enveloped the couple.

But then Ben jolted awake.

He blinked into the sunlight, taking several moments to remember where he was and several more moments to remember what woke him. A dream of some sort – not exactly a nightmare, but not a pleasant dream either. He searched back through his mind for the dream’s details, but all that came up was himself and Gavin, shouting at each other.

A groan escaped, causing Rey to shift a little in her sleep, but she didn’t wake. Gavin would get over this soon, right? Disputes like this happened all the time between parents and children, even parents and adult children. It was perfectly normal.

Normal – the thing their family had never been.

Another groan. He would have very much liked to let Rey’s gentle breathing lull him back to sleep, but he needed the refresher. While Gavin was wrong about them spending half their time in the refresher, the big meals did necessitate more time in the refresher than usual. He carefully inched Rey’s body off of him and though a rather abrupt snort escaped, she still didn’t wake up.

Once he was out of bed, he gazed down at his wife – her hair spread over the pillow, the sunlight bringing out the creaminess in her skin, her chest rising and falling with every breath – and though he was only leaving for a few minutes, he still leaned over and kissed her cheek, whispering “I love you” and brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

. . .

Though Ben thought he’d been quiet enough not to wake his wife, he emerged from the refresher to find her waiting by the door.

“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Rey shrugged. “I think my digestive system would have woken me anyway.”

Ben stepped aside to let Rey in the refresher and proceeded to get back into bed, giving a long yawn, still feeling like he could sleep for a week and it wouldn’t be enough, though the tiny bit he could remember from the dream hammered the back of his mind. Normal, normal, disputes between parents and children were normal, there was nothing to worry about . . .

In a few minutes, Rey returned and flopped down on the bed next to her husband. “I don’t care what time it is,” she mumbled. “I’m not getting up until dinnertime.”

Ben rolled over to face his wife, giving a sleepy grin. “Hey, if you can’t sleep all day on your honeymoon, then when can you do it?”

Rey snickered, reaching over and fingering his hair. “You’ve got a point.” She scooted closer to him until she was close enough to kiss him, which she did on his nose, forehead, and finally his lips. “Think of it, tomorrow we get to eat normally.”

Ben grinned again. “I know we’ve been eating a lot when you say that – you who normally has the appetite of a Wookiee.”

“It comes from growing up always hungry,” said Rey, playfully pinching her husband’s ear before sinking down into the pillow. “Mmm, for all the mishaps that have happened here, you have to admit the bed is super-comfortable.”

Ben reached down and pulled the sheets over them before wrapping his arm around his wife, ready to drift back off to sleep, but once again the tiny image from the dream poked at his mind.

“Gavin’s angry at me,” he said suddenly.

“He’s angry at both of us,” Rey mumbled, already sounding half-asleep. “He’ll get over it.”

“I’m not just talking about that,” said Ben. “Ever since our apartment was attacked, he’s been all troubled. I think . . . I think maybe it’s catching up to him that I was . . .” With his attempt to utter the name, his stomach churned just like it had on the night they had the Corellian rum cake.

“Ben,” said Rey, stroking her husband’s cheek, “we’ve always been honest with him about that.”

“But did he ever really process that before now?” Ben exclaimed. “Gavin never knew me when I was him! That time was just a story to his mind!”

Rey’s upper teeth ran over her lip. “We can talk to him when we get home.”

“And say what? ‘Gavin, it’s okay to be confused about how your father used to be a murderer’??” He swallowed, feeling his heartbeat ramp up despite how tired he was. “I’m used to being seen as a monster, but not by my own son.”

“He doesn’t think you’re a monster!” Rey insisted in her hard voice. “You’re his father!”

“And I was absent for his whole childhood because of what I did when I was him! Who wouldn’t resent his father for that??”

Rey just stared at him as if he’d hit a sore spot and immediately Ben felt like hitting himself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trigger memories of growing up without your parents . . .”

“It’s okay,” Rey interrupted in a small voice. She let out a long yawn as she wrapped her arm around him. “Let’s just sleep. We can worry about this later.”

“All right,” said Ben, his eyes already closing on their own accord, his head sinking down into the pillow, but even as sleep overtook him, the image of himself in a feud with his son still lingered in his mind.

Chapter Text

The Solo couple checked out the next morning, both eager to get home. As they waited in line at the front desk, Ben had to frequently resist the temptation to reach out with the Force and find the restaurant manager, get a feel for his emotions, maybe glimpse him raging over how much the free room service had cost him. No, no, resist, resist, don’t overstep boundaries, don’t go too dark side after spending a weekend enacting a revenge scheme.

He felt Rey squeeze his hand. “Ben, I know this honeymoon didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped, but I don’t think it was all bad.”

Ben looked over at his wife, flashing a small smile at her. “No, it wasn’t all bad. For one thing, I learned that I can’t stand Corellian rum cake.”

Rey snickered a little. “Neither can I.”

When they reached the front of the line, the receptionist droid again checked them out without a second glance at Ben, but once the process was complete, the droid had one extra thing to say.

“I have a message for Mr. and Mrs. Solo from the restaurant manager,” the droid said. “He says that he hopes you enjoyed the free room service, because he will definitely not be making an offer like that again.”

With that, Rey and Ben grinned at each other. They exited the lobby with their hands clasped, silently congratulating each other on a job well done.

. . .

One of the best things about being a general during peacetime was being able to train the next generation of pilots.

Poe always felt his chest puff up when he watched the Flight Academy cadets in their flight simulators and gave them advice on how to win the next virtual battle. Though he and Finn had never gotten around to having children, he didn’t feel a loss there. For one thing, he and Finn were the biological fathers of Rose and Jannah’s kids and they maintained a close relationship with them; for another thing, they were Gavin’s honorary uncles; and for another thing, they could still pass themselves on to the next generation through their cadets.

“Okay everyone, simulators off!” he shouted, BB-8 repeating the command in his own beeping language. “One hour lunch break!”

The cadets obeyed, turning off their simulators and chatting with one another as they headed off to lunch. Meanwhile, Finn had finished assisting one of the cadets and now headed over to his husband, planting a quick kiss on his lips. “Let’s eat out,” Finn said.

“Sounds good to me,” said Poe, grinning as he ran his hand through his husband’s hair. “I feel like something unhealthy.”

But before they could escape to a restaurant, they found themselves stopped at the door by a Chiss woman in a police officer’s uniform, her blue face staring at them and making it clear that they wouldn’t be able to leave until they’d heard what she had to say.

“Generals Poe and Finn Dameron?” she asked, her voice as hard as her face.

“Yeah?” said Finn. “What’s this about, officer?”

BB-8 beeped that if she wanted to arrest Poe and Finn, she’d have to get through him first, but fortunately for all of them, she didn’t seem to understand his beeps.

“I’m Darna Ysir,” she said, showing them her holographic badge. “I’m Ben Solo’s parole officer.”

“Is he in trouble?” Finn asked.

“No, not exactly, but we still need to talk.”

“Okay,” said Poe, “so why are you talking to us instead of him?”

“He’s more likely to accept what I have to say if he hears it from you instead of me.” She gestured towards the door. “Why don’t I take you to lunch and we can talk there?”

“Do we have a choice?” asked Finn.

“Given the circumstances, no you don’t.”

. . .

She took them to a small diner near the Flight Academy, ordering them to a small booth next to the window and telling them that she would cover their food. Once they all ordered, she leaned forward to look into their eyes, that serious look still on her face.

“Okay, what’s this about?” asked Poe.

The officer wasted no time. “The man who attacked the Solos’ apartment, Cole Harman, has been released on bail. While he knows that there will be severe consequences if he tries attacking them again, that’s still no guarantee that he won’t try again or that others won’t try something similar.”

“We offered to put Ben into a protection program,” said Finn. “He refused.”

Darna nodded. “It often happens when the convicts have families. They don’t want to force their families to go into hiding with them, but they also don’t want to be separated from their families.” She twisted her mouth. “I also understand that there was an incident last week where he and his wife were banned from a hotel restaurant?”

“That wasn’t his fault!” Finn exclaimed. “They didn’t do anything – the manager just kicked them out because the other customers didn’t want to be around Ben!”

“Nevertheless, it was still an incident,” said Darna. “If the manager hadn’t intervened, things might have even gotten violent.” She clasped her hands on the table in a no-nonsense manner. “Now I am concerned about his safety and I’m sure you are too.”

“Well what can we do if he won’t go into a protection program?” asked Poe. “Yeah, he’s still got a shit-ton of people mad at him, but I dunno if there’s any way to get them to stop being mad at him.”

“And besides, he’s got the Force,” said Finn. “He can defend himself if something does happen. Not to mention that Rey and Gavin can definitely protect him too.”

Now she was glaring at them. “If he retaliates in an aggressive manner, that could result in a trip back to prison. Many people already think he got off way too easy.”

“Yeah, well I dare them to spend twenty years in prison,” said Poe.

“That’s not the point!” Darna exclaimed. “If someone tries to provoke him and he retaliates, he can be arrested again.”

That silenced the generals. Poe glanced at Finn, both of them knowing fully-well that there was no guarantee Ben wouldn’t retaliate if he were provoked, especially if he thought Rey and Gavin were being threatened.

“All right,” Poe finally said. “So what do you suggest?”

. . .

“A job?” Ben exclaimed. “A job at the prison??”

“Look, I know it sounds awful,” Finn quickly intervened from across the table where he and Poe were having dinner at the Solos’ apartment, “but just think about it for a moment.”

“I AM thinking about it!” Ben shouted. “I’m thinking about how I spent twenty damn years there and I don’t want to go back there for another minute!”

“But this way, people can keep an eye on you,” said Poe. “You can get a police escort to and from work and there would always be officers around to protect you . . .”

“I don’t need protecting!” Ben snarled. “And I don’t need people keeping an eye on me either.”

“Really? Well your parole officer thinks otherwise. Besides, you would be working in the prison library – you wouldn’t be anywhere near the cells.”

Ben snorted. “The library. I wasn’t allowed in the library – now they suddenly trust me there?”

“Ben,” said Rey, putting her hand on her husband’s shoulder, “you don’t have to take this job.”

“No, he doesn’t have to,” said Finn, “but he might want to consider that he’s being offered a job and it might be very difficult to get someone else to hire him.”

Ben snarled again, slamming his hand on the table. “Oh really? I had no idea that employers might not want to hire Kylo Ren – thanks for the information!”

“Ben!” exclaimed Poe, holding up his hand in a calming gesture. “We’re trying to help you here. This job wouldn’t have to be forever, okay? Just try it out, see how you like it, and we all plan the next step from there.”

“The next step! In case any of you haven’t noticed, the next step always backfires!” He leapt to his feet. “None of you can understand what this is like – no, not even you, Rey! You can feel my emotions but you never experienced being him! You don’t have to live with actually being responsible for countless innocent deaths, including your own parents! You don’t have to live with everyone hating you and everyone having extremely good reasons to hate you!”

With that, he stormed out of the kitchen.

. . .

Rey found her husband sitting on their bed, legs crossed, eyes closed, attempting to meditate, though she could easily sense that wasn’t going well.

“GAH!” he cried out, eyes popping open. “I hate meditation, I’ve always hated it! I can never calm my mind when there’s so much stuff running around in it!” He let out a short, troubled breath. “Even Dad was better at meditating than I am – and he wasn’t even Force-sensitive, plus he saw meditation as pointless.” Several more short breaths. “But when Uncle Luke came over and led us all in meditation sessions, Dad could at least sit still and concentrate a little. I can’t even do that!”

Rey inched herself onto the bed next to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. “Sweetheart, it’s all right. Turning down this job offer won’t be the end of the world.”

“But I can’t just sit here and be afraid,” Ben said with an abrupt inhale. “I need to get out there.”

“And you just did. You went on the honeymoon and even though there were mishaps, you still spent a weekend away from the apartment.” Rey ran her hand up and down his back, sending soothing feelings through the Force.

“And I could easily use what happened on the honeymoon as an excuse to never leave again,” Ben mumbled. He leaned his head back, closing his eyes and absorbing his wife’s touch. “Stay here in a new prison – but this one of my own choosing.”

“Ben . . .”

“Part of me wants to do it,” Ben interrupted. “Just close myself away from the outside world and hide like my uncle did.”

Rey didn’t know how to respond. Should she encourage him to take the job and face his fears or should she tell him he didn’t need to face his fears right now and risk feeding the idea that he should hide for the rest of his life? She knew what the Jedi would say, but she had walked away from the teachings of the old Jedi Order a long time ago.

“Do you want to be like your uncle?” she finally said in an awkward voice, maybe to inject lightness into the situation or maybe to make a point. Maybe both.

“No!” he immediately exclaimed, his eyes popping open.

“All right,” said Rey. “Then what do you want to do?”

There was a shudder in his breath before he spoke.

“Go back in time,” he said through a choked-back sob. “Stop myself from turning to the dark side.”

Chapter Text

Ben took the job.

He didn’t want to take the job, but he also recognized that with “Supreme Leader of the First Order” in his work history and “twenty-year prison sentence for murder and war crimes” explaining the large gap in his work history, his resume wasn’t exactly promising. Besides, as General Dameron said, this would be temporary, just a first step towards getting his life on track.

So a week later, wearing a dressy blue jacket over a clean white shirt, an ID badge pinned to his shoulder, Ben showed up for work, staring at his feet for as much of the walk to the library as possible for fear that being here again would trigger a panic attack. He’d already had to hold his breath in the police speeder that escorted him here.

At least the generals were right about the library being nowhere near the cells, meaning he didn’t have to go back to that part of the prison.

The work itself wouldn’t be complicated – it mainly involved shelving the books and holobooks into their proper places and manning the front desk when it would be required of him – and there would always be at least one other person working at the library with him. The library was also small – a few shelves by one wall and a few shelves by the opposite wall with some tables and chairs in between – meaning that anything that happened here would be seen by the others in the room.

This will be fine, Ben kept repeating to himself as he got to work shelving books. This will be fine.

Yet he couldn’t stop himself from having a bad feeling about this.

. . .

Small groups of prisoners who had library privilege were periodically led into the library by guards, allowed to stay for around half an hour, then led out with checked out books in hand. Ben did his best to stay away from the prisoners, be an anonymous figure shelving books in the background, but then he was asked to man the front desk, which meant interacting with the people who were his fellow prisoners not long ago.

This will be fine, this will be fine.

“Well well well, if it isn’t Ben Solo.”

Ben’s stomach churned a bit. It was Neven Daru, who’d often sat with Ben during meals in the prison cafeteria. He had library privilege even though like Ben, he too had murdered his own father?

“You working here now?” Neven asked.

“Yes,” said Ben, “but hopefully not for long.”

“How’s the family?” Neven asked as he handed Ben the book he was checking out.

“Okay,” said Ben. “Well, Ben’s fine, at least. I . . . haven’t talked to Gavin much lately.” In fact, aside from a few holocom conversations, he hadn’t seen Gavin at all since they returned from the honeymoon. Gavin claimed he was busy with work, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that his son was avoiding him.

Neven, meanwhile, cocked his head and pursed his lips, causing Ben to realize what had happened.

“Augh, memory lapse again!” he exclaimed, clasping his head. “Rey, Rey, my wife is Rey and I’m Ben.”

“Hey, don’t worry,” said Neven. “I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t already know you and didn’t know about this weird condition you and your wife have.”

“Weird condition,” said Ben. “That’s one way of putting it.”

“So, having difficulties with your kid? It happens.”

“Yeah,” Ben mumbled as he scanned Neven’s book. “It happens.”

But it was different when the kid’s father was a convicted murderer.

. . .

“Do you think Rey’s all right?”

Rose looked up from the speeder they were both working on, a knowing smile on her face. “Yes,” she said, “I think you’re perfectly fine, despite how you just forgot who you are.”

Rey’s lips pursed, her head lowering and a groan emitting from her mouth. “Right, right, I’m Rey. Even after twenty years, these memory lapses are really annoying.”

“I know,” said Rose, patting Rey on the back. “And Ben will be fine, you’ll see. They know him there.”

“That’s exactly why I’m nervous,” said Rey. “They know who he is, who he was. He can’t hide there.” She took a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna close the shop early today so I can be there when he gets home. After we finish this speeder, you can tell the others they can go home.”

Rose nodded, her hand running up and down Rey’s back. “I understand – well, okay, I don’t know what it’s like to have a spouse in prison for twenty years or to be in a Force dyad with my spouse, but if it were Jannah I’d be worried too.”

Rey forced a smile at her, though an invisible fist clenched her stomach. Rose and Jannah, Finn and Poe, all these years she’d watched her friends in normal marriages where they could live together while she had to settle for visiting her husband in prison and seeing him when the Force linked them. She didn’t want to be jealous, she tried her damnedest not to be jealous . . .

Was it wrong to be jealous?

. . .

Ben released a long exhale after clocking out, as if a corset had been squeezing his lungs all day. He’d done it. He’d gotten through his first day of work without any breakdowns and with only one brief memory lapse. As he made his way down the hall to the refresher, he allowed himself a moment to consider that this might not be so bad after all.

But as he was washing his hands, a figure showed up behind him in the mirror, a big burly man around Ben’s age, wearing the dark blue uniform of a prison guard.

“So it’s true,” he said. “Kylo Ren is working here now.”

Ben’s chest started tightening. Stay calm. Don’t break down. “I don’t go by that name anymore,” he mumbled.

“Yes, I know,” said the guard. “I remember how you were officially Ben Solo in the prisoner roster, as if going back to your original name erases everything.”

Ben looked down at his hands under the running water, willing the guard to leave.

“You know,” the guard continued, “there are a lotta people here who did a lot less than you did and yet they got much harsher sentences. Thirty years, forty years, life, but you just got twenty. Why is that?”

Ben swallowed as he turned off the water, his hand already shaking as he did so. Don’t break down, don’t break down.

“Oh right,” said the guard, and though Ben was still looking down, he could imagine the smug grin on his face. “You got some generals on your side. Go double agent on the First Order and help save some kids and bam, the mass murderer’s suddenly worthy of a lighter sentence.”

Ben dried his trembling hands, making an effort to not look at the guard.

“But that seems pretty unfair, doesn’t it?” Now there was genuine anger flowing from the guard. “After all, most of the folks here didn’t have an in with the First Order or connections to Resistance generals. They had to make it all on their own, so they didn’t get any mercy when they were sentenced. But Kylo Ren, not only is he walking free now, but he’s even got a job here!”

“What do you want?” Ben muttered through his teeth. Don’t break down, don’t break down, DON’T BREAK DOWN!

Now the guard was so close behind him that Ben could feel his breath on the back of his head. “Justice,” the guard hissed.

If Ben weren’t concentrating so hard on not breaking down, he might have sensed what the guard was going to do, but as it was, his mind was too diverted for him to see it coming.

The guard swung a punch at his cheek, knocking him to the floor.

“Justice,” the guard repeated, kicking Ben in the side, sending a sharp pain stabbing up his body. “If it were up to me, you’d have been executed years ago, no matter how many generals you had wrapped around your finger or how many Jedi you brainwashed into marrying you!”

Brainwashed. That word. The attacker had said he’d brainwashed his son and now the guard was saying he’d brainwashed his wife.

Was that what people thought? That his family only stayed with him because he’d drained them of their free will, that nothing was real, that they didn’t actually love him because no one could love him?

His breath shortened, his heart pounded, his body shook with uneven spasms. As he stared up at the guard, rage shot through him – a nearly tangible, living rage too large to be contained by his body, escaping all reason, all attempts to tamper it down.

Ben raised his hand and the rage found its outlet in the Force, slamming the guard against the opposite wall.

For a moment there was a blankness in Ben’s mind as he stared ahead at the guard’s crumpled form.

Then the guard cried out in pain, slamming Ben with a realization of what he’d just done.

“YOU BASTARD!” the guard screamed. “YOU FUCKING BASTARD!”

Some part of Ben wanted to apologize, ask if the guard was all right, do anything to fix what he’d done.

But instead, he scrambled to his feet and rushed out of the room, desperate to get to his ride home before the guard could tell anyone what had happened.

Chapter Text

Both Rey and D-O came rushing up to Ben the instant he got home. “Friend!” D-O exclaimed. “H-how did work go?”

Ben didn’t answer. Rey wrapped her arms around her husband, but he didn’t respond to the embrace. He just stood there, arms slack, eyes staring ahead, as if he wasn’t even aware of his wife’s presence.

“Ben?” Rey asked, pulling back and gazing into her husband’s red-rimmed eyes, cupping his face in her hands. “Ben, what’s wrong?”

Still he said nothing, walking away with a stumble in his step as if walking blindly, nearly running into the wall, only stopping himself by pressing one hand against it.

Rey’s heart was racing by now. “Ben!” she exclaimed. “What’s going on? Talk to me!”

He just stood there, leaning against the wall as if it were his lifeline, eyes closed, breath short.

“Friend?” D-O asked.

No answer. Rey put her hands on her husband’s back, feeling the tension in his muscles. “Please,” she said in a soft voice. “Don’t do this. Tell me what happened.”

Still silence. Now his breath was heaving, pressing against her hands. D-O rolled up against his legs, nuzzling them like a lothcat. “S-sad?”

A long, hard breath. “I need a nap,” Ben finally mumbled.

With that, he stumbled towards the bedroom without saying another word, leaving Rey and D-O staring after him.

. . .

Rey felt like her chest was in a vice. She tried to distract herself with the holovid, but it wasn’t long before she realized that she couldn’t even remember what she was watching. Part of her wanted to just wake Ben up and demand that he tell her everything even though she knew it would likely accomplish nothing. Something was wrong – that much was obvious – but demanding that he tell her before he was ready to do so would probably result in him further closing up into himself.

Then the comm beeped.

And it was Ben’s parole officer.

The vice around Rey’s chest tightened, leaving her barely any room to breathe. “What can I do for you, officer?”

“Mrs. Solo,” said Darna in her no-nonsense voice, “I need to speak to your husband immediately.”

Rey opened her mouth to say Ben was sleeping, but something pulled her back from doing so. If he wasn’t ready to talk to his wife, then he definitely wasn’t ready to talk to his parole officer. “He’s not in,” she said quickly.

“Well I need to speak to him as soon as he is in,” Darna said gruffly.

Rey gulped. “Did something happen?”

There was actually a bit of hesitance in the officer’s eyes for a moment. “I’m not sure if I should be the one telling you this, but maybe it’s better that you hear it from me than from the media.”

Now the vice only allowed the tiniest bit of air in and out. “What?” Rey whispered.

Darna frowned. “Your husband attacked a guard.”

. . .

Rey stood outside the bedroom, taking deep breaths in a vain attempt to slow her heartrate, blinking away the tears that insisted on pooling in her eyes. Don’t assume anything, don’t assume anything, hear Ben’s side of the story first, don’t panic, hear his side of the story, don’t panic!

One breath, two, three, four, five, then finally she opened the door.

Ben’s shoes and socks were strewn on the floor and his pants and jacket were draped over a chair, while Ben himself was wrapped up in the sheets, curled up in an almost fetal position, snoring softly. Rey gulped as she slowly approached the bed. Don’t assume anything, don’t assume anything, don’t assume anything . . .

It passed through her mind that she didn’t need to wake him up, that she could just do what Luke did all those years ago. Do what Luke did, maybe see something she couldn’t handle like he did, maybe react instinctively like he did . . .

She sucked in a gasp. No, no, she wouldn’t do that, would she?

Slowly, carefully, she grasped his shoulder. “Ben?” she whispered, a sob escaping as she spoke. “Ben, wake up.”

Ben only groaned, curling up even tighter.

“Ben, please,” Rey said in a louder voice. “We need to talk.”

He just groaned again.

“Please. Your parole officer called.” Again the tears pooled into her eyes, threatening to fall. “I need to know what happened.”

Finally his eyes opened, looking up at her with a pained, lonely expression. “I’m fired?”

“I don’t know,” said Rey, concentrating on keeping her voice steady, “but she wants to talk to you as soon as possible. She . . . she told me that you . . .”

Now he was frowning. “Go on, say it.”

“That you attacked a guard.” The words came out in one quick breath.

A sudden wave of shame and sadness flowed from him as he blinked up at her. “Yes, I did.”

Rey’s hand slapped over her mouth in order to keep in the bile pushing its way up her throat. It took several moments to swallow it back down before she could speak again. “How could you?” Her voice came out in a raspy whisper. “How could you??”

Instead of answering, Ben wriggled to a sitting position, pressed his hand against her forehead, and closed his eyes, breathing deeply and purposefully.

In a moment, his memory flowed into her mind, letting her see everything that happened, how first the guard yelled at him, then punched him, and how he Force-pushed the guard against the wall.

Rey felt her eyes bulging as he removed his hand. “Ben, you’ve got to report this!”

“Why?” Ben muttered as he fell back on the bed. “You saw it, I attacked the guard.”

“Ben, he attacked you first!”

“And I reacted exactly the way he wanted! I showed that I’m still dangerous!” He blinked rapidly up at his wife. “Even you were afraid that Kylo Ren was back.”

Rey couldn’t deny it. The vice tightened around her chest once again as she slowly sat on the edge of the bed. “You should still report it.”

“And you really think they’d take Kylo Ren’s word over the word of a guard who’s worked there for years?”

“Well, maybe there were security recordings.”

“And if there were, they’ve no doubt already seen them and don’t care!” Ben snarled. “If the guard gets fired, he can easily rally people to his side on the grounds that he stood up to Kylo Ren and Kylo Ren hurt him for it! Probably a lot of people will be glad to hire him after he stood up to Kylo Ren!” He rolled over, facing away from her, breathing heavily. “It’s probably all over the HoloNet by now that evil dangerous Kylo Ren attacked an innocent guard and that he belongs back in prison.”

Rey placed her hand on her husband’s shoulder, massaging his tight muscles. “You’re not going back to prison,” she whispered, maybe to assure him or maybe to assure herself.

“Maybe I should,” said Ben.

“Don’t say that!”

“Why not??” shouted Ben, again flying to a sitting position, twisting his body to face his wife. “Every time I’ve tried to go out in public has ended in disaster! Maybe I should just face the fact that there is no starting over for people like me!” His voice was shaking. “You shouldn’t have saved me, I should have died all those years ago, I should have died!”

Rey grabbed her husband’s shoulders. “No! Don’t entertain that thought for even a minute! Think of Gavin and all those other kids – if it weren’t for you they’d all be stormtroopers now! If it weren’t for you, the First Order might have even rebuilt itself and we’d be at war again!”

Ben stared into her eyes, his own eyes moist and blinking slowly. “I attacked him.”

“He attacked you.”

“I still attacked him!” Ben shouted, tears bursting out of his eyes. “And in that moment I wanted to attack him! It doesn’t matter that he attacked me first – I still wanted to hurt him!” His breath was shortening into small, desperate pants. “Maybe Kylo Ren is coming back!”

“Don’t – say – that!” Rey tried unsuccessfully to keep the waver out of her voice. “Don’t even think about it! Kylo Ren is DEAD!”

“How do you know? Maybe he’s just been sitting dormant inside me, biding his time until he can emerge again! Maybe . . .” He broke down crying, burying his face in his hands.

Though the vice was still pressing on her chest, Rey wrapped her arms around her husband, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, wishing she knew what to say, wishing she could have done something to prevent the incident.

“How long?” he whispered after a few minutes.

“What?”

“How long do I have to pay for what I did?” he sobbed. “How long do I have to be reminded over and over and over of what an awful person I am?”

Rey had no answer.

Chapter Text

Ben didn’t know how long he sobbed in his wife’s arms. Maybe minutes, maybe hours. It was as if Rey’s embrace shielded him from time, allowing him to release himself for as long as was needed.

You don’t deserve to be happy.

The silent words repeated in his mind over and over. You don’t deserve to be happy, you don’t deserve your wife, you don’t deserve your son, you don’t deserve anything but a prison cell, you should go back there, it’s where you belong, you SHOULDN’T be happy, you are a monster . . .

He had no energy to fight the silent voice. Though he felt Rey kissing his head and running her hands up and down his back, he couldn’t respond to her gestures. As the sobs gradually depleted to be replaced by a headache and sore throat, he wished he could just sink down into her embrace and disappear forever.

He was on the edge of falling back asleep when there came a pounding on the front door, hammering in his ears and causing him to jolt upright with a gasp.

“POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!”

Rey and Ben glanced wide-eyed at each other, Ben’s heart ramming so hard that his chest was starting to hurt.

“I guess I’d better get my pants back on,” Ben muttered. “If I’m going back to prison, I should at least be decent for it.”

. . .

The vice around Rey’s chest pressed back down in full force as she answered the door to find not only Ben’s parole officer, but also his therapist, and even Finn and Poe.

“Finn? Poe?” she exclaimed.

Poe raised his hands, palms showing. “Look, Darna didn’t give us a choice, okay?”

Meanwhile, Darna was glaring at Rey as if she’d had a hand in the incident. “Is your husband in now, Mrs. Solo? Because if he isn’t, I’m afraid we’ll have no choice but to conduct a search for him . . .”

“Yes, I’m here.”

All heads turned in time to see Ben entering the living room, feet bare, hair mussed, and pants wrinkled as if he’d hurried to put them on. “I take it, you’re all here to arrest me again?”

“Not necessarily,” said Krain, using his calm therapist voice even in this situation.

“It all depends on how well you cooperate now,” said Darna. “May we come in?”

“Do we have a choice?” Ben asked.

“No, you don’t.”

“In that case, please come in.”

. . .

The Solos and the “guests” settled themselves on the sofa and chairs, after which Darna immediately addressed Ben, giving no room for anyone else to speak first. “Ben, you know that what you did counts as a violation of your parole, right?”

“Now wait a minute!” Rey immediately jumped in. “The guard was the one who attacked Ben first!”

“Yes, we know that,” said Darna, “and he will be disciplined as is seen fit, but he isn’t the one who’s a convicted murderer.”

Convicted murderer. She said it in such a clipped, unemotional manner, as if Ben weren’t even in the room. A slight pain clenched at his chest.

“Look, Ben served his time and the guard wasn’t seriously injured,” said Finn. “I don’t think we need to . . .”

Darna held up her hand, instantly silencing him. “In addition, you fled the scene.”

“And you wouldn’t have done the same?” Ben retorted, his mouth feeling dry. “I’d just done something I didn’t think I was still capable of doing, I panicked, all I could think of was getting home before the driver found out about it.”

“Makes sense,” Poe said, only to get Darna holding her hand up again.

“Ben,” Krain spoke up, “your actions are understandable given that you were attacked first. Not excusable, but understandable. Given the circumstances, I think it would be best if we have more frequent appointments.”

“How frequent?” Ben asked.

“Perhaps a few times a week.”

“That often??”

“I would say that’s preferable to getting arrested again, wouldn’t you?” said Darna.

Ben’s entire body was tightening up as if it wanted to close in on itself. Why did he attack the guard, why the hell did he attack the guard and throw away what smidgen of a chance he might have had at a future? He felt Rey place her hand on his, but he lacked the energy to respond. Arrested again. Back to the tiny cell that always felt about to close in on him, the red forcefield boring into his eyes, the sheer helplessness . . .

“I won’t go back!” he exclaimed suddenly. “You can’t make me go back to that cell!”

Darna raised an eyebrow. “I’m afraid we can,” she said, “which is why it’s vital that you cooperate.”

“What if he worked somewhere else?” Rey asked. “Somewhere other than the prison, somewhere out of the way?”

“Where do you mean?” asked Finn.

“I mean that a Force seminar starts in a few weeks,” Rey continued. “He could work at the school.” She squeezed his hand, giving him a small smile. “And since it’s government-funded, he wouldn’t be taking a paycheck from me – I know he feels funny about that idea.”

“He doesn’t have leave to travel off-planet,” said Darna. “Besides, do you seriously think people will want their children around him?”

“I have a child!” Ben exclaimed. “Ask my son if he thinks children will be safe around me.”

“There are other jobs that don’t involve working with the kids,” Poe offered. “He could help out the caretakers or something like that.”

“That’s an idea,” said Finn. “Those caretakers would probably appreciate the extra help.”

“Or he could work in the library,” added Poe. “He’s got a whole day of experience, after all.”

Despite the circumstances, Ben’s mouth twisted a bit at the general’s attempt at humor.

“He still doesn’t have leave to travel off-planet,” said Darna, “and I don’t have the authority to give him such leave. That would need to go through a process.”

“Okay,” said Rey, now facing her husband, “but if you did get off-planet leave, would you be interested in working at the Force school?”

Ben had seen Ahch-To a couple of times when he and Rey swapped memories in their dreams: the waves crashing against the cliffs, the porgs hopping around and chirping, the fresh smell of the sea breeze. Judging from the dreams, it felt like an open place.

“Yes,” he said, “I think I would.”

. . .

As soon as the news bulletin played, Gavin fled.

He didn’t want to hear his roommates exclaiming “Your dad got into a fight with a guard?” or their attempts at sympathy: “I’m sorry, Gavin,” “It’s not your fault your dad did that,” “Do you want to talk about it?”

No, he did not want to talk about it. He ran out to the landing platform and leaned against his speeder, his breath coming in and out in short pants, his mind imagining his father Force-pushing the guard, an enraged, out-of-control look on his face. A dispute like that likely wouldn’t have been seen as important enough to talk about on the news except for the fact that Kylo Ren was one of the participants.

Part of him wanted to just throw up onto the front seat. The guard started it, the guard started it . . . but did that matter when his father still finished it?

Was this how his grandparents felt when they found out about their son’s fall to the dark side? Did their heads spin like this, did their stomachs churn like this, did their minds scream help me, someone help me! while at the same time not wanting to talk to anyone?

He tried to focus on the cool metal of the speeder pressing against his body, the taste of the fresh outdoor air, but it was for nothing. “Dad,” he whispered, “what’s going on? What’s happening to you?”

His throat tightened, barely able to utter his next thought, part of him feeling that uttering it out loud would confirm its reality.

“What’s happening to me?”

Chapter Text

D-O rolled into the living room, where his friend Ben was lying on the couch, staring glassy-eyed at the ceiling, his arm hanging limp over the side of the cushion, as still as if he were sleeping with his eyes open. “Friend?” the droid asked, nudging Ben’s arm with his head, but Ben gave no response, no indication that he had even heard.

Maybe he was sleeping with his eyes open. Was that something humans could do? D-O didn’t think they did it often and he’d certainly never seen Ben do it. “Friend?” he asked again. “A-are you okay?”

“No,” Ben mumbled, still staring at the ceiling as if trying to find meaning in it.

“Wh-what’s wrong?”

“Everything,” said Ben. “I can’t hold a job for more than a day, I can’t go out in public without getting scorned, I’m in danger of being arrested again, my son’s angry at me, everything.”

D-O nuzzled Ben’s hand again, though it was still limp. “I-I’m sorry. Can I help?”

“I wish you could, buddy.” Finally his hand moved to stroke the droid’s head. “But I fucked everything up years ago and I can’t fix it. Even prison time didn’t fix anything.”

D-O wondered what would be the appropriate response to that. Confirming what Ben said would likely make him feel worse, but denying it might also make him feel worse. What did humans do when anything said could make the other human feel worse?

“I-I’m sorry.” He’d heard humans say that when other humans were sad, though it seemed inadequate.

Still Ben wouldn’t look down from the ceiling. “I’m fifty-two. Fifty-two. My mom died when she was fifty-four. In three years I’ll be older than she ever got to be.” An abrupt breath through his nose, as if he were trying to keep himself from crying. “The murderous son lives longer than the heroic mother – how the hell is that fair?”

“Sh-she gave her life for you,” D-O said hesitantly.

“Yeah, I know. She gladly did it.” Another one of those abrupt nose-breaths. “At fifty-two, people expect you to be stable, not . . . whatever the hell I am.”

D-O was pretty sure this was what humans called depression and he was also pretty sure that his programming wasn’t equipped to fix it. “C-counseling?”

Ben let out a long sigh. “Counseling. People talk about counseling as if it magically fixes everything. It doesn’t.”

D-O wished Ben would look at him. “Th-then what can help?”

Once more Ben ran his hand over the droid’s head, though his eyes were still fixed on the ceiling. “I don’t think anything can.”

. . .

For the next few days, Ben practically lived on the couch. As soon as Rey went to work, he’d flop down on the couch and stay there until she got home, only leaving to use the refresher. His muscles felt stiff and unused, but he lacked any energy to exercise. Sometimes he turned the holovid on, sometimes he didn’t – not that it mattered much since he never paid attention to what was on. Sometimes he dozed off, sometimes he didn’t. Waking, sleeping, what was the difference?

When the Force linked him with his wife, she tried to talk to him, she begged him to say something, anything, but what was there to say? How could he respond when they both knew it was pointless to believe that his life could go anywhere?

Monster, murderer. Those labels would always follow him no matter what he did. Maybe he should just face the truth.

It was pointless to do anything.

. . .

“Ben? Ben? Please, Ben, talk to me! Talk to me!”

Rose tried to concentrate on the speeder she was fixing, but it was hard to ignore Rey’s cries to her husband. Usually Rey didn’t want anyone to bother her when the Force linked her with her husband, and Rose generally tried to respect that, but should she respect that now, when Rey was sobbing so hard that it was shaking her body?

Finally Rose put down her wrench, wiped her hands with a rag, and headed over to Rey, who was sobbing over a table, gripping at an invisible hand. “Ben, please. Don’t sink into despair. We can find a way, it’s not too late, please just let me help you.”

Suddenly her hands fell, which Rose took to mean that Ben had vanished. Rey stared at her empty hands as another sob pushed its way out.

“Rey?” Rose asked in a small voice.

Rey slowly turned around to face her, eyes red and puffy. “He’s shutting me out,” she said in a shaky voice. “Ever since he got fired he’s refusing to do anything, including go to his therapy appointments.”

“Well can’t his parole officer make him go to appointments?”

“I don’t know,” said Rey. “Maybe she thinks making him go to appointments would be counterproductive, I don’t know, but he can’t keep living like this!”

Rose opened her arms and Rey fell into them, squeezing her friend like a frightened child squeezing a toy. “I don’t know what to do,” she cried, her body shaking in Rose’s arms.

“You’ll figure something out.”

“It doesn’t matter if I figure something out – he’s not letting me in!”

Rose ran her hands up and down Rey’s back, but the tension in her muscles wouldn’t relax.

“I think he’s given up,” Rey continued.

“Don’t say that.”

Rey pulled out of the embrace, grabbing a handful of tissues from the table and blowing her nose into them. “Why not? What if it’s the truth?”

“Even if it is, that doesn’t mean you should give up on him.”

Rey sniffled. “What would you do if Jannah or the girls gave up and shut you out? If you had to watch someone you love fade away like this?”

What would Rose do? She tried to imagine Jannah lying on the couch like Rey said Ben always was, staring at the ceiling with lifeless eyes, being unwilling to do anything. What would she do if her wife who was always so full of life became like that? Would she too be crying in hopelessness like Rey was?

“I don’t know,” Rose admitted, “but I know I wouldn’t give up on her.” She patted Rey’s shoulder. “So don’t you give up on him.”

“Who said I’m giving up on him??” Rey exclaimed, flinching away and wrapping her arms around herself.

“No one,” said Rose, “but if you declare that he’s given up, then you’re in danger of giving up yourself.” Again she put her hand on Rey’s shoulder. “You’re smart, you can come up with something to help him snap out of it.”

“I don’t think this is something you just snap out of.”

“Then you can at least think of something to help him in general.”

Rey gazed down at the table, picking up a wrench and turning it around in her hands as if that would give her the answers. Around and around the wrench went in an almost hypnotic manner.

“Yes Rey,” Rose whispered, “you can think of something.”

Another turn, two turns, three turns, then finally Rey put the wrench down. “I thought of something,” she said in a hesitant voice. “I don’t know if it will do any good, but I guess it’s worth a try.”

Chapter Text

“Ben . . .”

The voice brushed Ben’s ear like a caress, but he kept his eyes firmly shut. “Not now,” he mumbled.

“Ben, please. I want to talk to you.”

He felt a concentrated warmth on his cheek, as if an intangible hand was touching him. Some distant spot in the depths of his mind wanted to succumb to the comfort, but the rest of him was saying no, no, you don’t deserve any comfort.

“I can still talk to you with your eyes closed, you know.”

With that, he finally opened his eyes, finding himself gazing up at the translucent face of his mother, surrounded by blue light.

“Sweetheart, your father and I are worried about you,” she said in a gentle but firm voice.

“And you think giving some advice from the great beyond will magically make things better? I’m the reason you and Dad aren’t enjoying retirement on Naboo now.”

The gentle firmness in Leia’s voice didn’t waver. “Ben, your family needs you. Whether you believe it or not, whether you think they’d be better off without you or not, the fact is that they need you.”

“They need a husband and father who isn’t a murderer.”

Leia brushed her ghost hand over his hand, letting him once again feel that intangible warmth. “You can’t change the past. No one can, no matter how much we may want to.”

“We.”

“Yes, we,” said Leia. “I still wish I could go back and stop myself from sending you away.”

Ben frowned. “That’s nowhere close to the things I’ve done.”

“I never said it was.”

“Then don’t act like you know what this is like.”

Leia’s lip crinkled as she gazed down at her son, looking weary even in death. “You’re right,” she said. “I don’t know what it’s like for you. There are things I can’t know even now.” She looked at her hand resting atop her son’s, making him wish that he could hold her hand and feel her motherly squeeze.

“Mom,” he whispered, “I’m sorry, but you can’t help me.”

Now her eyes narrowed, taking on that no-nonsense expression he remembered from his childhood. “I didn’t give up on you when you were Kylo Ren and I’m not giving up on you now.”

“You still can’t help me.”

“You don’t know that.”

Ben felt himself tense up as if he were about to dive into cold water. “Mom, there’s nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I should be back in prison.”

“Ben . . .”

“I know, I know. ‘Don’t say that, Ben.’ ‘You got a second chance at life, Ben, don’t waste it.’ ‘You served your time, Ben.’ I know all that, but the galaxy will still hate me forever and I can’t change it. I might as well be back in prison.”

“Ben . . .”

Ben abruptly rolled to his side, burying his face in the back of the couch and closing his eyes. “Please, just go. You can’t help.”

Leia said nothing more, but he felt the warmth of her ghost touch linger for a long time afterwards.

. . .

“Ben, I need your help.”

Ben’s eyes jolted open in time to see Rey place a toolbox on the end table next to the couch. “Come on,” she said.

“Come on what?”

“The sensor dish on the Falcon is loose again and you’re going to help me fix it.”

“What?” Ben frowned up at his wife, who was giving him that no-nonsense look that made her resemble his mother.

“You heard me,” she said. “You and I are fixing the sensor dish together.”

“I haven’t worked on a ship in over twenty years.”

“You can still drive a few bolts.”

“And what if I don’t want to drive a few bolts?”

Now Rey was glaring at him, the sun highlighting the stray hairs peeking out of her buns. “You think lying on the couch all week solves anything?” She gestured at the window. “Guess what, you lying on the couch doesn’t make the outside world go away. Now you have a chance to do something productive for once.”

Once again Ben rolled over to face the back of the couch, wishing he could just sink down into the cushions and let them swallow him. “And what if I don’t want to be productive?”

“Then you could at least spend a little time with your wife. You don’t even have to drive bolts – you can just have a look at your father’s ship.” She put her hand on her husband’s shoulder, squeezing slightly. “It might help to get a little fresh air, a change of scenery.”

“And if someone sees me?”

“The Falcon has a private docking bay,” said Rey. “She’s a historic ship, after all. Don’t worry, no one will bother us.” Again she squeezed his shoulder with her firm grip. “Come on.”

He clenched his knee muscles, bringing immediate pain. Movement might be nice, maybe. At least it might feel better than his whole body’s current stiffness.

“All right,” he finally said.

. . .

As Rey and Ben made their way from the speeder landing platform to the durasteel docking bay where the Falcon currently resided, Ben felt himself holding his breath. There lay his father’s saucer-shaped freighter, famous all over the galaxy, but for him it had been the site of countless hide-and-seek games, family trips, flying lessons with Dad.

He felt Rey squeeze his hand, but he couldn’t stop staring ahead, his chest tightening, his steps starting to wobble.

“It’s okay,” Rey whispered, squeezing his hand again.

Ben inhaled deeply, his mind’s eye seeing his father prone on the roof of the Falcon, driving bolts and perhaps cursing when he dropped his tools. “Yes,” he said, “it’s okay.”

After Rey set up the ladder, they made their way to the roof of the Falcon, where they quickly got to work tightening the bolts on the sensor dish. The rhythmic task of twisting, twisting, twisting the wrench soon set Ben’s mind into a similar sort of rhythm. Movement, it felt good. It helped him not to think of the future or lack thereof hovering over him.

When they were finished, the husband and wife sat on the roof, gazing out the door at the sun setting over the skyline, tinting the buildings orange and yellow, reflecting off of the windows. Ben inhaled the outdoor air, letting it fill his lungs, still feeling the despair somewhere around him, as if he were tethering on an edge and one wrong move would send him plummeting back down into the despair.

“You loosened the bolts yourself, didn’t you?” he suddenly asked.

Rey only shrugged, keeping her focus on the view.

“You did, didn’t you?” Ben pressed.

Rey shrugged again. “Well, it worked. It got you off the couch.” She flashed him a sheepish look. “And admit it, you’re enjoying yourself.”

“Tricky scavenger,” Ben chided gently before looking back out at the view. “Dad and I used to sit up here together, just like this. I used to tell him that someday I’d be a pilot just like him.” He released a sigh. “Now my piloting license expired while I was in prison and I doubt I’m allowed to get a new one.”

“Maybe you can someday,” said Rey, resting her head on her husband’s shoulder. “Don’t give up hope.”

Just then, Rey’s holocom beeped. After digging it out of her pocket, she scrambled to answer it and out popped the face of Ben’s parole officer.

“Mrs. Solo,” Darna said in her harsh voice, “I need to speak with your husband.”

Chapter Text

“Why haven’t you been attending your sessions??” Darna’s blue face glared at Ben from the hologram, as intimidating as if she were physically present.

Ben had no answer. He just stared at her, running his teeth over his bottom lip.

“Ben, listen to me,” the officer continued once it became apparent that Ben wasn’t going to answer. “We’ve been lenient with you. You performed a great service when you helped rescue those children, which is a large reason why you didn’t get life in prison, but if you want to continue living as a free man, you have to cooperate.”

“So what do you want me to do?” Ben asked.

“Your therapist is right here,” said Darna. “We can have a session right now.”

“Now??”

“Yes, now. Unless you would prefer to be arrested again.”

Ben let out a sigh. “It appears that I don’t have much choice, then.”

With that, the officer’s hologram disappeared and thirty seconds later, in came Krain’s hologram. “Ben,” the therapist said, “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“My wife is here,” said Ben. “Is it all right if I go somewhere more private?”

“Of course.”

Going “somewhere more private” involved climbing down the ladder and settling himself on a box in the corner of the docking bay. Rey remained on top of the Falcon, waving to him as he sat down.

“All right,” said Ben, “let’s get this over with.”

Krain’s hologram flickered, bringing the Zabrack’s face in and out of visibility, making Ben feel uneasy for some reason. “What’s been going on, Ben?”

“Well, I was fired, for one thing,” said Ben. “Fired after one day of work, so that probably doesn’t look good on my job history. Add ‘Supreme Leader of the First Order’ to my list of past jobs and probably no one will ever hire me again.”

“You sound angry,” said Krain.

“Damn right I’m angry! I think I was better accepted in prison than I am now!” He gritted his teeth, running his hand through his hair. “I’m just . . . I’m tired of my mere existence being seen as repellant. I know, I shouldn’t think like that, I should understand that of course people are going to see me as a monster, but dammit I’m tired of it!” He felt his lip quiver slightly despite his efforts to still it. “But I should understand, shouldn’t I? Of course people are going to see me as a monster because I am a monster. I should just put up with it all.”

“You have a right to feel frustrated,” said Krain.

“But I still deserve it.” An invisible clamp seemed to be squeezing Ben’s heart. “Even if I have a right to feel frustrated, they have a bigger right to see me as a monster. I’m better off just never going anywhere.”

The therapist licked his lips. “Darna and I have been talking to the other officers. We think it might be good for everyone, including yourself, if you made a public apology to the galaxy.”

Now it was like an invisible fist punched Ben’s chest. “A public apology? No, no, I couldn’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“You’re asking me to appear in front of the entire galaxy when I can’t even go to a restaurant without being kicked out just for existing?”

“That’s exactly why it might be beneficial to make a public apology,” said Krain, his eyes staring into Ben’s. “If the galaxy could see you show how much you regret your past actions, some people might be more open to forgiving you.”

Ben groaned. “You make it sound like I did something naughty in school and I should say I’m sorry. Apologies don’t fix murder.”

Krain twisted his mouth, as if he had been hoping that Ben wouldn’t bring up that inconvenient little detail. “You’re right, they don’t. Nothing fixes murder, so the best thing you can do is try to ease people’s wounds as best you can. Also . . .” He cocked his head slightly. “. . . a public apology might help your case to get off-planet leave to work at your wife’s Force school.”

Ben glanced up at his wife, still on top of the Falcon, and once again he imagined both of them teaching on Ahch-To under the wide sky, far away from the glaring faces on Coruscant.

“What kind of apology?” he finally asked.

. . .

It turned out to be a prewritten apology.

The police escorted Rey and Ben to a holostudio where Ben would record his message to the galaxy that he didn’t write. A droid applied makeup that felt like it instantly caked onto his face, but he knew better than to complain. His insides tightened as the police led him to the stage on which a simple podium sat. No one was in the audience and the only other people in the studio were the holocamera operators and Rey in the wings, but as he stood behind the podium, Ben felt as if he were about to take off his clothes and go romping around on Hoth.

Facing the podium was a screen that would project his prewritten speech. He didn’t even know what it said, yet he was about to broadcast its words to the entire galaxy.

This is ridiculous. The Solo part of him wanted to say those words out loud and storm out of the studio, but the Organa part of him said that this was for the good of the galaxy and his family even if he thought it was ridiculous.

“We are live in five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . one!”

The holocameras turned on, their lights blaring into Ben’s face, and the words projected onto the screen.

“Hello,” Ben read, his voice already sounding stiff, “my name is Ben Solo, but for many years the galaxy knew me by another name. Some of you were young children or not yet born during that time, but others – many others – remember the horrors I committed with that name, Kylo Ren.” A deep inhale through his nose. “I murdered countless innocent people, including my own father, the great war hero General Han Solo.”

He felt his nose wrinkling as he said the words “the great war hero General Han Solo,” as if Han’s murder was horrific mainly because of how he had fought the Empire and if he had been someone else his murder wouldn’t matter as much.

“Then I killed Supreme Leader Snoke,” he kept reading. “I could have brought peace to the galaxy right then, but instead I declared myself the new Supreme Leader and continued my old master’s tyrannical ways, prolonging the war and leading to more lives pointlessly ending.”

He glanced over at the wings where Rey was smiling at him, silently encouraging him to go on, then he looked back at the speech. “You know all this and I don’t expect any of you to ever forgive me. Nonetheless, I offer my sincerest apology for my acts.”

Sincerest apology, even though he didn’t write it.

“You cannot trust me, I understand that, but I hope you will at least give my wife Rey and my son Gavin your friendship. They did nothing wrong, and in fact my wife saved the galaxy from Emperor Palpatine’s return. It is wrong for her association with me to tarnish her reputation.”

Why did they write that part in? Surely most people recognized that Rey was a hero, right?

Then again, they were both banned from the restaurant.

“I also ask that you remember how I helped to rescue hundreds of kidnapped children from a stormtrooper training facility and I obtained information that let us find and shut down all the stormtrooper training facilities across the galaxy so that they could never again be used. The First Order might still be kidnapping babies and children to this day were it not for my actions.”

Now they were making him sound boastful. How long would this thing go?

“I bring this up not so you will praise me as a hero, but simply to remind you that I had every opportunity to retake my place as Supreme Leader and yet I didn’t do so. After that, I willingly served twenty years in prison as punishment for my actions. You may think that punishment wasn’t severe enough, but I still served it.”

Where was this going? What was he even doing here?

“My father was a criminal.”

Shit, what? Why was he bringing up his father’s past?

“He committed many illegal acts during his smuggling years before he joined the Rebellion, then he committed many more illegal acts when he returned to smuggling years later.”
Ben felt like he was going to be sick.

“Yet he is still revered as a hero. You are willing to look the other way from his smuggling past because of his heroic deeds. I know he never did anything as severe as murdering innocents or committing patricide, but I ask that you still remember that you believe in second chances with him.”

Was this going to tarnish Han’s posthumous reputation? Ben had to restrain himself from declaring that he wasn’t going to read another word of this.

“If you believe in second chances with my father, perhaps you could believe in second chances with me. I don’t expect to be anyone’s friend; all I ask is that you remember that I have been trying to make amends for my actions for two decades. I can’t change my past, but I am trying to change my future.”

Finally the end of the speech. As soon as the cameras turned off, Ben rushed offstage, where Rey wrapped her arms around him and kissed his lips.

“You did great,” she said.

Ben sighed. “I don’t feel like I did anything.”

Chapter Text

During dinner that evening, there was a knock on the door. Ben went to answer it and there stood Gavin, his mouth rumpled, his weight shifting from foot to foot.

“Hey Dad,” he said in an awkward voice – no hug, no smile. “We saw your apology.”

Ben found himself unexpectedly gulping. “Oh . . . well, come on in.”

Gavin obeyed, and Rey sprung up from her seat the instant she saw him. “Gavin!” she exclaimed, rushing up to wrap her arms around her son. “Would you like something to eat?”

“I ate,” said Gavin, pushing himself out of the embrace. “Look, I wanted to talk to you guys.”

“All right,” said Rey, leading her son to the table. “Here, have a seat.”

Again Gavin obeyed and still there was no smile. Once his parents were seated, he took a deep breath, looking his father in the eyes. “Dad, why didn’t you write your own apology?”

Ben’s stomach flipped and his eyes automatically lowered, ashamed to face his son. “You figured out that it wasn’t me?”

“Of course I did! You called Grandpa a criminal, for the Force’s sake!”

Ben supposed that he really should have predicted this would happen. “Look son, I was under a lot of pressure . . .”

“And that means you couldn’t demand that you write your own apology??” Gavin interrupted.

“They gave me a script to follow,” said Ben. “They picked out the words that they thought would resonate best with the public.”

“Did you even ask them if you could write it yourself?”

It was like a rock was settling in Ben’s stomach. “They were . . . insistent.”

“Meaning you didn’t,” snapped Gavin. “You saved me from the First Order and yet you don’t even have the guts to ask to write your own apology.”

“Gavin!” exclaimed Rey.

“I’m serious! Dad’s braver than this!”

Rey glared at her son. “Your father’s been suffering very serious depression ever since he got fired! He was lying on the couch all last week!”

“That still doesn’t mean he couldn’t have asked to write his own apology! It probably would have been damn better than the one they gave him!”

Ben felt his face heating up. “You’re right,” he said in a low voice, so low that he wondered if his family would hear it. “I could have at least asked to write my own apology, but I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Now Gavin sounded hurt, a tone of hurt that Ben recognized from his own childhood, the special kind of hurt that came when the parents you looked up to fell off their pedestals.

Ben gazed into his son’s eyes. “It’s . . . complicated. For twenty years I’ve had to do what I’m told.”

“You were Supreme Leader,” Gavin interrupted. “You know how to assert yourself!”

Now Ben’s gaze hardened into a glare. “I can’t be Supreme Leader anymore, you know that! Gavin, if I step out of line, I’m back in prison! I’ve already committed assault – it’s a miracle that I’m not already back in prison! You understand that, don’t you?”

Gavin exhaled through his teeth. “Of course I understand that, but writing your own apology isn’t committing assault. Wouldn’t they have preferred you to use your own words?”

“Like I said, they chose the words that they thought would resonate best with the public. I wouldn’t know what would resonate with that public.”

“At least it would come from you,” said Gavin.

Ben couldn’t find an argument for that. As he stared into his son’s eyes, for a moment he saw himself, staring at his parents when they told him that they were sending him to Luke’s Jedi school. The feelings of confusion, heartbreak, betrayal.

“This isn’t just about the apology, is it?” he found himself asking. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”

Gavin only frowned in response.

“Is it the way people are treating your father?” Rey asked. “Are you scared for him?”

“Of course I’m scared for him!” said Gavin. “I’ve been scared for him ever since that first threatening note, but do you really think a prewritten apology is gonna open people up to him??”

“Gavin, what’s this really about?” Rey pressed.

Gavin lowered his head, aimlessly drumming his fingers on the table. “It’s nothing,” he said.

“Are you still upset about being called brainwashed?” Rey pressed.

“No!” Gavin exclaimed, staring at the nerf steak on his mother’s plate.

“That doesn’t sound like a no,” said Ben, wanting to reach out and caress his son’s hair but restricting himself from doing so.

“And what part of it didn’t sound like a no?”

“Gavin,” said Rey, “it’s perfectly fine if you’re still upset.”

Gavin’s head shot up, glaring at his mother. “Maybe I AM brainwashed! I’ve lived my entire live thinking of a patricidal mass-murderer as a loving father – who WOULDN’T call that brainwashed??”

“Gavin . . .” Ben struggled to keep his voice calm through the psychological punch in the gut.

Gavin held up his hand. “Don’t. Just don’t. I know I shouldn’t be saying this stuff. I know it’s hurtful and I don’t want to hurt my dad, but you don’t know what it’s been like all these years!” He looked his father in the eye, his mouth crumbling. “People think I should hate you. I know I should hate you, but I can’t and that’s the damn problem!”

Ben made an effort not to breathe, lest his breath start shortening. Was this how Han felt when the lightsaber pierced through chest?

Then came another knock at the door, this one loud and persistent. “Police! Mrs. and Mr. Solo, open the door!”

Now Ben’s breath did start shortening.

“It’s okay!” Rey said in a quick voice. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“The police don’t come for nothing!”

Rey rose and headed for the door, and Ben thought his heart stopped as he heard it whoosh open. He grasped the edge of the table, the smell of his rapidly-cooling nerf steak filling his nostrils.

Rey’s voice.

An unfamiliar man’s voice.

Rey’s voice again.

Then Rey rushed back into the kitchen.

“They just apprehended another possible intruder,” she said in a voice trying unsuccessfully to be steady. “A woman heading to the apartment with a blaster hidden in her jacket. Someone else apparently wanted to kill Ben.”

Chapter Text

“We can’t confirm that she was here to kill you,” the human police officer with the black mustache was saying as the Solo family sat on the couch. “She wouldn’t disclose her reason for being here or her reason for taking a blaster to your apartment.”

“And why else would she be taking a blaster to our apartment?” Rey exclaimed.

“Look, just relocate us,” said Gavin. “My roommates will understand if I have to go into hiding.”

Ben felt his hands clenching. “I would be the only one to go into hiding if it comes to that!”

“And you expect us to be okay with never seeing you again?” Gavin shouted, his brows lowering.

“I expect you to not throw away your lives for me!”

“Ben, no one would be throwing away their lives,” said Rey. “We’re a family. Maybe we should consider this again.”

“No,” Ben said immediately.

The officer, meanwhile, looked like a parent who wondered if he’d have to split up a fight between squabbling children. “You have to consider something,” he said. “We can’t keep guarding your apartment forever. For your own safety, it might be best to relocate you.”

Ben felt like a fist was squeezing his heart. “I want to talk to her.”

“What?” the others all exclaimed at once.

“I mean it,” he said.

Rey frowned at her husband. “Why?”

There was something stirring within Ben, a twitch from the Force. “I don’t know, really. I just feel something.”

“A feeling isn’t enough of a reason to put you in danger,” said the officer.

“There wouldn’t be danger,” Ben said with complete confidence.

Gavin stared at his father in disbelief. “And what do you think you’ll accomplish by talking to her? Do you think she’ll magically forgive you once she sees that you’re no longer Kylo Ren?”

“No, of course not,” said Ben. “But maybe she’ll see something.”

. . .

After much discussion, the police allowed a holocall to the station where the suspect was being held. The first thing Ben processed was how young she was, eighteen or twenty, too young to really remember Kylo Ren.

“So you want to talk to me,” she said, shooting him a holographic glare. “Why?”

“Because I want to know what you were doing,” said Ben.

The hologram flickered, but the hard frown on the woman’s face didn’t waver. “You know what I was doing. The thing someone needs to do. You think the galaxy cares about your redemption sob story?”

“I’ve been in prison for basically your whole life,” said Ben. “I served my sentence.”

“You got off way too easy. Then you think that an apology will magically make everything better.”

“Did Kylo Ren hurt your family?” Ben asked. “Your friends? Your homeworld?”

“You hurt everyone’s homeworld! No prison sentence or apology changes that – neither does saving a bunch of kids twenty years ago!”

“You’re right,” said Ben. “You’re right about all of that, but did you really think through what would happen if you tried to kill a man in his own home?”

The woman stuck out her lips, her eyes twitching slightly, seeming to indicate that she hadn’t. “I’m not sorry,” she said. “I hope someone else comes up with a better plan to finish the job. The cops can’t guard your apartment forever.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked Ben, already feeling deflated.

She glared at him. “The same thing the rest of the galaxy wants you to do. Die.”

. . .

After the conversation, Ben heard the police officer say that relocating him was the best way to keep him safe, but it was as if he were listening from far away. His mind saw the woman who hated him so fiercely that she was willing to be arrested if it meant he would die – and she didn’t even remember the days of Kylo Ren.

“What about relocating us to the Force school?” Rey was asking. “Ahch-To is well out of the way and I would still be able to teach the Force seminars.”

“And what about the students?” the officer said. “Do you think their parents will appreciate you bringing a convicted murderer to your classes?”

“He’s my husband,” Rey declared. “He’s done everything in his power to make amends for what Kylo Ren did.”

“What I did,” Ben said in a soft voice.

“What Kylo Ren did,” Rey repeated.

“Kylo Ren wasn’t this separate entity that possessed my body, no matter how much you want to believe that!” Ben felt himself involuntarily pinching his own leg as his body tensed up. “I chose to be him, and I have to live with that choice for the rest of my life.”

Gavin released a groan, as if reminding the others that he was in the room too. “Look Dad,” he said, “it’s obvious that you’re not safe here. Maybe you should stop being so against the idea of us all being relocated together.”

“We could all live on Ahch-To,” said Rey. “I could still teach at the Force school and our friends could still visit us.”

Ben frowned, looking his wife in the eye. “What about your shop?”

. . .

I’m fired, was the first thing Rose thought when Rey asked to see her privately in her small office. Her heart raced as her mind rushed through things she might have done. Did a customer complain that their speeder was improperly fixed? Rey hadn’t expressed any dissatisfaction with Rose’s job performance.

Rey sat at her desk, fingering with the desktop toy of a flipping colo claw fish, seeming to make an effort to not look Rose in the eye.

I’m DEFINITELY fired. Rose gulped as she sat in front of the desk, telling herself she wouldn’t cry. “What did you want to see me for?”

Rey kept her eyes on the toy, sending it flipping over and over again. “Rose . . . you’ve been a valuable employee and a great friend.”

“Am I fired?” Rose blurted out.

Finally Rey looked her in the eye. “What? No! No, it’s something else.”

Rose blinked, part of her wondering why she thought her friend was actually firing her and another part still thinking that she might be fired. “I’m sorry.”

Again Rey pushed the colo claw fish, making it spin in a rapid fashion. “Have you ever thought . . . about running the shop yourself?”

Rose’s eyes bulged. “No, not really.”

“But would you like to?” Rey pressed. “It could be a nice family business for you and Jannah. Maybe the girls would like to work here.”

“Rey, what’s going on?”

“I’m offering you the shop.” Rey looked Rose in the eye, showing the sincerity in her offer. “I can’t run it anymore.”

“What?? Rey, what’s going on? Are you . . . are you sick?”

“No!” Rey said quickly. “I’m not sick, no one’s dying, but things are changing.”

An uneasiness was creeping through Rose’s body. “What do you mean?”

Rey broke eye contact, her gaze once more shifting to the colo claw fish endlessly circling. “We’re leaving Coruscant.”

Chapter Text

“Dad, is it true? Are the Solos leaving?”

Lando frowned as Jannah’s hologram flickered on the caf table. “Where’d you hear that?”

“Rose told me,” said Jannah. “When she got home this evening, she said Rey had offered her the shop because she and Ben and Gavin were leaving.”

Lando released a groan, running his hand through his gray hair. “Benny commed me earlier today. Said things weren’t really workin’ out here.”

Jannah rumpled her mouth. “We’re supposed to be a family, all of us. Maybe Rose and I and the girls should have been more welcoming to him.”

“It wasn’t you,” said Lando. “It was, well, a lot.”

“Will we be able to see them again?”

“I think we can visit, maybe. Rey and Gavin at least should be able to come back here for visits, dunno about Benny, though.”

“So he’s going into exile, basically,” said Jannah.

“I dunno if I’d use that word.” Lando found himself fiddling with the walking stick leaning against the couch. The stick had swirls of blue and gold, matching several of his capes. He remembered how toddler Ben used to tug at his capes.

“But that’s what it is,” said Jannah. “A life in exile because the galaxy can’t accept him.”

“Well, to be honest, I don’t think he likes it here all that much. Even as a kid, he liked wide open spaces – and that was before he spent twenty years in prison.”

“Wide open spaces can be prisons too,” said Jannah. “Especially when you’re not allowed to leave.”

Lando had no argument against that.

. . .

Another gathering of family and friends in the Solos’ apartment, but this one carried a much more somber mood than the previous one, even though people tried not to talk about the reason for the gathering. Several times, Gavin caught his mother gazing at the plants next to the fireplace or wiping her eyes after talking to someone.

His roommates were here, but they largely stayed in the kitchen, perhaps because they felt awkward or perhaps because they were uncomfortable around Ben. Gavin supposed that he should go talk to them, but what would he say? What would they say? “We’re sorry that your leaving, but we understand that your dad’s a mass murderer”?

He gulped down the last of his drink, only then realizing that he wasn’t sure what he’d picked up from the drink table. Maybe he should get another drink, but there was Paige trying to sneak a beer before a glare from Jannah drove her to quicky change her mind. He decided he’d rather not accidentally involve himself in underage drinking.

“Hey Gavin.”

Gavin turned around and there was Tai, mustering an awkward-looking smile. “Hey,” he said, “are you having a good time?”

Tai shrugged. “I guess. I mean, it’s gonna be weird not having you around, but we’ll adjust. We always knew this living arrangement wouldn’t be forever, didn’t we?” She took a bite out of the cookie in her hand. “Are you gonna be okay?”

How could he answer that question? He wanted to say yes, of course, this is no big deal, but his mouth couldn’t form the words, especially as he gazed at Tai’s red hair brushing over her shoulders. Did her hair always shine like that, or was it just the apartment’s lighting?

“It’s okay to not be okay,” Tai said once it became apparent that Gavin wasn’t going to answer. “Wasn’t all that long ago when you moved out of your mom’s place and now you’re having to move again – that’s a stressor.”

“I’m choosing this,” said Gavin. “To be with my dad.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Tai sounded like she didn’t quite believe him. “But still, it’s gotta be hard on you. You thought you could finally be a family here when your dad got out of prison, but then all that shit happened . . .”

“Could we not talk about this?” Gavin asked.

“Okay,” said Tai, finishing her cookie.

Despite the request, Gavin found himself talking about it anyway. “Look, it’s not like I want to leave. I’ve lived on Coruscant ever since Mom adopted me – but we lived on Coruscant mainly because Dad was being held here. And well, now we’re not tied to this planet anymore.”

“What about your friends?” Tai asked. “Your uncles and aunts? They’re here too. And well, we’re here.”

Gavin blinked at her. Stars, her eyes were so, so blue. Were they always that blue?

“Gavin?” Tai asked when he was silent for a few moments.

Gavin wanted to kick himself. Why the hell was he thinking like this, why now? He’d never thought of having a romantic relationship with any of his roommates before, so why was the Force choosing now for him to start thinking about it, when it was too late to even try dating?

“Gavin?” Tai repeated.

“I’m okay,” said Gavin. “I’m . . . gonna go get another drink.”

. . .
Rey knew she should be talking to people. Who knew when she’d see Finn, Poe, Rose, Jannah, Paige, Landa, Lando, Chewie, 3PO, R2, or BB-8 again? She should be savoring this evening, but instead she was staring up at the holos on the wall, all the memories that had come from this apartment and from Coruscant in general. There was the picture of Gavin with his uncles at the aquarium – the aquarium, they’d never gone to the aquarium with Ben . . .

“Rey? You okay?”

Rey turned around and there was Finn, mouth scrunched in concern. “I’m okay,” she said, though she knew Finn wouldn’t believe her.

Sure enough, Finn responded with, “Come on Rey, you know I know you better than that.”

Rey let out a sigh. “I was just thinking, that’s all. I had a lot of things I wanted to do with Ben once he got out of prison. Funny, I kept fooling myself into thinking that once he was out of prison, we could relax and enjoy ourselves, but . . .”

“Maybe you can relax and enjoy yourselves in your new home,” Finn suggested. “I mean, you like Ahch-To, right? There was a reason why you wanted to set up the Force school there.”

“I do like it there,” said Rey. “I’m sure Ben will too, but it’s so far away from everything.”

“We’ll visit,” said Finn. “And hey, I’ll be there during the Force seminars – maybe Poe and BB-8 could get time off to come with me. This isn’t the end.”

The end. Those ugly words hung in the air, bringing dizziness to Rey’s head.

She fell into Finn’s arms, unable to stop a few tears from escaping.

. . .

Ben was sitting on the couch with a plate of food on his lap, not really mingling with anyone, when D-O came rolling up to him.

“Hey buddy,” said Ben.

D-O craned his head in the direction of BB-8, who was beeping at Poe by the mantle. “I-I don’t want to leave,” the little droid said. “I-I’ll miss my friends.”

It was as if Ben’s heart split all over again. “You don’t have to come with us,” he said in a gentle voice. “I’m sure some of our friends would take you in.”

Now D-O craned his head up to look at Ben. “B-but you’re my friend too. You’re my family. I-I don’t want to leave you either.”

Just then, Gavin came over, a beer can in his hand, and slumped down on the couch next to his father, breathing through his teeth.

“Gavin?” Ben asked.

“A-are you all right?” asked D-O.

Gavin took a long swig of his drink, tilting his head back as if trying to empty the entire can in one gulp. “The Force has a sick sense of humor,” he grumbled.

“What do you mean?” asked Ben. “What happened, son?”

“Nothing,” Ben said way too quickly. “Forget I said that.”

“Gavin, you know I can’t just forget it when you say something like that.”

Gavin took another swig, and it occurred to Ben that his son might be trying to get drunk. “I like Tai, okay? I think I might like her like her, but I didn’t realize it until now, when I’m probably never gonna see her again.” The words came out in such a torrent that now Ben suspected that his son was already drunk.

“Gavin,” Ben said, putting his hand on his son’s shoulder, “you don’t have to come with us. You’re an adult – you can stay here if you want.”

“I know,” said Gavin, “but then I’ll feel guilty as hell cause you guys will be off in the middle of nowhere and I can’t see you regularly anymore.” He sniffled. “Why did you have to go and turn to the damn dark side?”

It was as if Ben’s insides suddenly froze. “What?”

Now Gavin was breathing through his teeth. In, out, in, out, in, out, snarling like a taun-taun. “You heard me,” he said. “Why did you have to turn to the damn dark side?” Another swig. “If you’d just told Grandma and Grandpa you were hearing voices, maybe everything would be better! Who knows, maybe I wouldn’t have been kidnapped and my parents would still be alive!”

The familiar tremor was creeping into Ben’s body, threatening to send his limbs into uncontrollable spams. “Gavin,” he said, trying unsuccessfully to keep his voice calm, “listen . . .”

“No, you listen!” Suddenly Gavin sprang to his feet, knocking the beer can to the floor and spilling the drink on the carpet. From all corners of the living room, the guests froze in their conversations or eating, staring in Gavin’s direction. “All my life I’ve been picked on for being Kylo Ren’s son! Kids called me names, shoved me down, flinched away from me – even as I got older I got dirty looks everywhere!”

“I know!” Ben shouted back, now springing to his feet as well. “Believe me, I wish I’d been able to protect you when you were growing up!”

“Well guess what, you couldn’t!” Gavin snapped. “Cause you had to go and murder who-knows-how-many people for what?” There were tears glistening at the edges of his eyes. “You keep wailing about how people don’t wanna be around you – well guess what? You’re a fucking murderer! No shit people don’t wanna be around you! I wouldn’t wanna be around you if you weren’t my dad!”

The tremor swept Ben into its grasp, causing him to double over as if Gavin had punched him in the stomach, gasping for breath. Suddenly there were people around him – who were they? Finn? Lando? Chewie? He couldn’t concentrate enough to identify them. A hazy shadow was clouding his vision.

“Ben!”

Rey . . . where did Rey come from? Was she the one rubbing his back? “Breathe, Ben, breathe!”

Ben slowly looked up, only able to make out dim outlines of Paige and Landa staring at him, the door behind them.

The door . . .

“Air . . .” he gasped out. “I need . . . air . . .”

Before anyone could do anything, he stumbled between the Tico-Calrissian girls and bolted through the door.