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English
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Part 2 of i know they said the end is near (but i'm still on my tallest tiptoes)
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Published:
2022-07-10
Updated:
2024-07-17
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2,537
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3/?
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these hands had to let it go free (and this love came back to me)

Summary:

Dick,

I didn't know if I wanted to write back to you or not but I've decided now that I do. I'm sorry that it's been so long. Things have been quite busy at Downton this summer as you might know...

Notes:

(July 2024) I removed the Thomas/Richard tag on this not because that relationship isn't in it, because to me it certainly is and my love for it combined with my excitement for new opportunities & love for Thomas is the impetus of this entire work—I wrote the prequel to this within 11 hours of seeing ANE—but because I don't think having this fic in that tag is useful right now.

If you're not into that and you came just for Thomas/Guy, you can either give it a try and intentionally interpret that as only platonic, or you can back out now. (The reverse is not true though. If you're not into Thomas/Guy you should back out! Unless you're hatereading in which case just keep it away from me.)

I think this fic will appeal most to people who like both of these characters-who-both-love-Thomas, and want to read about what could happen next with all three of them. I'm so happy to be excited about Downton Abbey again with a 3rd film coming out and to be revisiting this work of mine, and I hope updates are more frequent than annually moving forward.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Dick,

I didn't know if I wanted to write back to you or not but I've decided now that I do. I'm sorry that it's been so long. Things have been quite busy at Downton this summer as you might know.

First of all your letter made it seem like you expected me to be angry with you. I'm not angry, though I'm not happy neither. I wish you every happiness but I'm not happy for you. Or shouldn't I say that? You never seem to mind me saying things other people would and you did tell me you think you deserve whatever I have to say to you so I'll leave it.

Mind you I don't know just what you were imagining I would think, but I suspect you made it more dramatic in your head than it is in mine. You are much better at drama than I am (this is ironic now but I'm not going to tell you why just yet).

Well, I can't speak to whether your choice is right or wrong, so I won't, but I will say you are a brave person in most every way I can think of. The bravest I have known. It's up to you if that changes now. I suppose most things about your life will change, but I don't see why that one should. Just maybe it won't show about you in the same way anymore.

I certainly couldn't do what you're doing and I don't envy you.

What's she like? Is she the one you've mentioned? Surely you haven't swept another off her feet in such short time... though if anyone could it would be you. How disappointed all those royal housemaids are going to be, once they learn Mr Ellis is finally settling down after all...

I wish you had told me differently. I'd have liked to hear your voice one last time.

Let's please keep in touch, though I do understand if you wouldn't like to, or if you think it's dishonest. I've loved you very much, too, and if nothing else I'd like us to be friends. I simply don't agree that it goes without saying that now you're to be a happy family man we should never speak again and you should make yourself miserable for the sake of your wife by never speaking to another man like you again.

That is what you were picturing, wasn't it? How long were you expecting to keep that up?

Look, I'm not happy about it. This isn't what I want, and I don't think it's what you want neither, not truly. But I don't blame you for it, and I stand by what I said about you being brave. Maybe most people wouldn't see it that way, especially people not like us, but just because you're going to play by their rules doesn't mean you should take them all to heart.

I do love you though, and I want you to be happy. If writing to me won't help you be that then don't, but I would welcome it. It seems a very long time ago now that I told you I was glad I had found a friend. I'm still glad. You changed my life, you know that?

Well, if this really is goodbye, then believe me when I say it was very nice knowing you, and I hope it won't be forever.

Yours faithfully,

Thomas

P.S. If you would like to keep in touch, you'll have to wait, and I shall send you my new address when I have it for you to do what you like with. You see, I'm moving to America to live with a film star.

Chapter 2

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dear Dick,

Heavens, you don't waste time, do you?

That's a lovely name for a baby girl, so I hope you're right about that one. But just to remind you, you get all sorts of feelings about things that are going to happen... there's a fifty percent chance you'll have to come up with something better!

Well, my own feeling is, you're going to be a very good father. And won't your mum be pleased. Don't shy from telling me about it. I want to hear everything, and let me tell you you're going to need somebody to talk to who's not your wife. Somebody you can be honest with. You're not going to get a good night's sleep for months, looking after a baby all by yourselves. But you're the youngest and you've never worked in a house with kids in the nursery so you'll have to learn that the hard way. 

Really, what's the point having a position like yours if you can't have somebody else there sometimes? Seems to me if it's for the job that you've got married with one on the way the job owes you something in return. A servant with a servant, imagine that? Though that's normal where you are, isn't it? All the more reason. 

Congratulations, truly. 

Everything's happened so quick for me, too. I barely remember what I put in my last letter as a matter of fact. Downton's on the other side of the world thousands of miles away in either direction. To get farther away I'd have to be in the middle of the bloody Pacific Ocean.

Which is beautiful by the way. I hope you get to see it some day. It's a bit far from us actually but I've still been to the beach more since we got here than the whole rest of my life. On Boxing Day we went because it was 80 degrees. 

It's only been months since I left Downton but when I think about how things used to be it seems like a dream. The sort of dream where everything is just a bit off from what it's meant to be but it feels real because you don't know any better, you're dreaming. And you don't realise how ridiculous it was till you've woken up in the morning and shook it off. How can I have thought all that was real life? you think to yourself.

Only it was real life. It was real life for nearly twenty years and I never knew any better. Mind you I don't mean it was a nightmare, or not that it all was. There were things I enjoyed and things that made me happy. (In fact I am writing to one of them right now!)

Even so, it wasn't quite right. Just like a dream.

Maybe that's silly of me to say.

But you like me when I'm silly, don't you?

That's the other thing, though I don't believe you'll understand it to be honest with you. I know how much you think about it and that it's not easy for you and I get that, I do. But I still don't think you'll understand what it means, or not all the way at least, sorry to say, because this already happens to you at every house you visit if Downton is any indication....

People like me here, Dick.

People like me and they tell me so, and they tell other people they like me, too.

At first I thought it was patronising actually but now I think Americans just say every thought that comes into their head out loud no matter who's about or whether it's worth saying. 

You'll agree with them that it is, though. Worth saying. Guy does.

Would you mind if I started to tell you about him? I told myself I wouldn't. I wouldn't like to hurt your feelings especially as you've made them clear. It was easy before because I didn't know what my feelings were, but I'm beginning to now.

Let me know? I've got plenty of other things to tell you about, I promise. Just I'd like to talk about him, too.

I will say, I think the two of you would get on. 

Congratulations again, to you and to Mrs Ellis, though I don't suppose you'll tell her it came from me, will you?

I miss you and I hope you're happy.

Yours truly,

Thomas 

Notes:

(that's 26 celsius)

Chapter 3

Notes:

i added beginning notes for this fic - won't be news if you follow me elsewhere but gives some context all the same!

Chapter Text

Dear Dick,

It was lovely to hear from you!

We've been in New York and then Chicago so I didn't read it until ages after it was delivered, and then we had a party to host once we got back so I didn't have time to sit down and write back to you. You'll have waited long enough by the time you read this, but I suspect it's good for you to be the one who's waiting now and again instead of making other people wait for you.

I jest of course.

It's funny writing to you now and going at least a month before I hear back from you even with air mail, when it used to be I could get a letter to you by the next day and have a reply not much after, long as you got back to me in timely fashion. I really am sorry to make you wait so long. How much has gone on in your life since you wrote? Perhaps you've even come up with a name for a baby boy other than 'George'! Will they sack you if it's anything different or something?

I hope things are all right with Mrs Ellis. Her health of course but also between you. What's it like, being married with one on the way? I can tell when you're leaving things out of your letters, you know. You don't think you can fool me of all people do you? Wasn't that the whole point of keeping in touch? I'll worry if you don't say much, and I know you wouldn't like that! Whatever you're up to don't twist yourself into knots fretting about my opinion. I've met more people who made the choice you did since I got here. Women too. Are you managing things how you expected? If not, have you gone back to how it was before you met me, or have you met somebody in particular? What's he like if so? Don't shy from telling me about him.

I'm grateful you've said the same to me.

It's odd being in love again, in the most wonderful way. Of course I've liked him very much since we were playing cat and mouse last summer at Downton—you will of course be familiar with how skilled I am at that—but after that everything happened so fast. We learned so much about each other in such short time, I was so soft on him I could care less what we called it long as we were together every waking moment we could be. All my life I've heard people call it things I couldn't stand hearing but I never knew enough to come up with anything else to make myself feel better, not truly. But now I know it's more than any words can describe.

I started to learn that with you, you know that?

It's just that before I figured that bit out again with Guy I didn't feel like I knew what I was feeling. And now I do.

I hope this isn't too much. Tell me if you change your mind please. I've got people to talk to and plenty of new friends, but I want to tell you more than anyone else because there's nobody here or anywhere really who knows me quite the way you do and has seen me like you have. I wish you were here and I could tell you in person. There's so much that reminds me of you. I think America would suit you better than you think.

Anyway thank you for asking about the premier. Yes there was one and yes I was there! It wasn't the first I've been to but it was the first for a film he was in. Naturally I thought it was better than the others. That was in Hollywood. Soon as it was over we were on a train to New York for another one, which isn't always done but they brought everybody based in England over and I got to see some people I hadn't seen in a while which was lovely. Better than I expected it would be in fact. You'd say something about how absence makes the heart grow fonder but I say I prefer those people in moderation, or at least most of them. How did we get by shoulder to shoulder for so long?

After that the Chicago bit was just a private entertainment thing so we took some time for ourselves before going back to California. I still can't believe how tall the buildings get here but Chicago's are very nice and quite different from San Francisco and New York, which isn't as obvious as you might think because every city in America seems to have decided they ought to shape as many things into squares as they can, so looking at a map it all seems the same. But it isn't in person.

It was nice though to be just the two of us for a bit. He's been there plenty of times before so he got to show me around. Did you know Chicago is right on a lake that's so big it's got tides and you can't see across it? (Without looking at a world map first.) As I write this I'm realizing I don't think I ever saw a proper lake in England actually. Half of Cumbria is lakes and I'd never been. I bet you've seen them, haven't you? Well there's a very nice one in northern California I'd been to before the Chicago one and that one you could see the mountains on the other side so they're quite different. I'd never seen mountains like they've got here before neither and now they're all over the place. I'll have to put picture postcards with my next letter so you can see what I mean. Though maybe you're better at believing things without seeing them than I am.

While I'm on about travel, I don't know yet if we'll be in London any time soon. I'll send a telegram if we ever head your way, and you can decide if you'd like to see us or not. You didn't ask but just so you know.

Well this is a very very long letter by now so before I close it I'd better answer your other question so you're not waiting another month. I suppose it must have slipped my mind to tell you with everything going on...

Only joking. I thought it would be more amusing if you found out in the cinema. I'm pleased you enjoyed yourself. We certainly enjoyed being a part of it, though I'm learning I personally like it better being anywhere round the camera but in front of it.

On set at least. See enclosed. I don't know how fair it is that he can take pictures just as well as he can be in them, I haven't got the knack of it just yet myself, but we thought you might like to have that one.

Yours truly,

Thomas

Notes:

find me on tumblr as @adamsvanrhijn