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Chapter Text

Emilia Shepard tapped the screen of the worn data pad that sat on the nightstand next to her bed. The display illuminated revealing a generic image of planet Earth and cast dim shadows on the walls. Only five minutes had passed since she last checked, and there were still fifteen minutes until her alarm would go off. She shifted herself to stare at the simple patterns in the ceiling of her apartment, absently chewing the inside of her cheek. 

Deciding a few hours of sleep would have to be good enough, she sifted through the tangle of clothes on the floor before finding a semi-clean pair of running shorts and the same tank top she wore yesterday, white against her cream-colored skin. She pulled her dark-red hair into a ponytail and slipped her running shoes on before locking the front door behind her. 

This was her favorite time to run - the odd hour when people were either up from a long night of partying or rushing off to work early - it made for great people watching. She weaved her way through the sparse and inconsistent crowds on Arcturus Station, letting the feel of the ground reverberate up her body and calm her. The overpowering galaxy looming above the station contrasted against the delicately decorated metal buildings and imported fauna that lined the streets. 

Emilia Shepard didn’t get nervous. Even before a big mission where the outcome was variable and the stakes were high, she was the picture of serenity. Annoyingly so, according to every acquaintance she’d ever had. So it was an uncomfortable shock when she tried to go to sleep last night and all she could focus on was the tingling in her chest as her heart pounded heavily against her sternum. She physically tried to shake the thought from her mind, but the memory replayed. 

Staring at all the awards hanging on the walls of his office makes her feel small. He walks through the open door and smiles when he sees her sitting there.

“Your receptionist was at lunch, I figured I’d let myself in,” she says, hoping it wasn’t too presumptive of her. 

“Thanks for meeting me, Shepard. How are you?” He asks, taking the seat behind his desk. 

“If I’m being honest? Not great.” His brow furrows.

She sighs and leans back into the chair, her slender body slumps into the seat while her long arms dangle over the sides of the armrests. “I just got back from Verush.”

The planet was deep in Batarian space. It wouldn’t ring a bell to most marines, but David Anderson wasn’t your typical marine. 

He nods in understanding and pulls a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from one of the drawers of his desk. “Enough said.”

She laughs and feels the tension she’s been holding onto over the last few days fade away. She can’t remember the last time she saw him. Maybe at her N7 graduation, but that was three years ago. 

He hands her the tumbler filled half an inch with amber whiskey and she swallows it eagerly. It’s his turn to laugh. She smiles back at him.

“So what do I owe the pleasure?” She asks after a few moments of silence.

“I have a proposition for you,” he says. A holographic ship like nothing she’s ever seen appears before her. 

She’d known David Anderson since she was a teenager when he saved her on Mindoir, but she had never worked under his command and it was this thought that sent a thrill running through her. In typical fashion for one of the Alliance’s most decorated officers, the mission proposed to her two weeks ago was groundbreaking. 

After years of top-secret research and construction, the SSV Normandy was ready for her shakedown cruise. He had asked her that day in his office to be his executive officer. It was a position rarely given to officers her age, but long ago she had set aside any notion that she was just an ordinary soldier. She was born to be a marine, despite the dark paths that led her to that discovery. 

What happened after the shakedown was yet to be determined, but the Alliance brass wanted their prototype ship outfitted with a full crew for its ride to the human colony on Eden Prime, one of Earth’s greatest achievements. 

A long shower and a short walk later she found herself standing outside the System’s Alliance Headquarters on Arcturus Station. As she walked through the towering doorway she saw Captain Anderson chatting with another officer. 

As soon as their eyes met he politely excused himself and walked over to her. “Shepard, it’s good to see you. You’re right on time.” 

She glanced at her omni-tool. “I’m ten minutes early.”

He smiled at her. “Everyone’s already here.”

She clenched her jaw. It was something she truly hated about the military. A meeting was set for one time, but everyone was so far up another person’s ass that they all sat around for thirty minutes before the meeting even started. She preferred to show her loyalty to her career by doing her job well, but she hated this stuffy administrative stuff. 

They walked out of the ostentatious lobby with its marble floors and trickling water features, and rode the elevator to the conference room. 

“Just three days of this right?” She asked him in the privacy of the elevator. 

He gave her a skeptical look. “You know Shepard, it wouldn’t kill you to be a little patient.”

She frowned at him dramatically. “Aw, but impatience is my best virtue.”

He looked at her sidelong. “Try not to be such a smart-ass, Emilia.”

The elevator doors opened slowly and she made an effort to keep up with his brisk pace. “Yes, three days of information and some command exercises and then we’re cleared to go.” He turned to her and nodded before entering the conference room. 

When he opened the door she straightened her near-perfect posture and clasped her hands behind her back as she followed him in. 

The room was spartan with a metal, oval conference table as the centerpiece. The tabletop was a faux wood grain with a seam down the middle where it would separate for the holoprojector. Eight matching steel chairs with leathery cushions surrounded the table; four of them were occupied. 

“Hello everyone,” Anderson boomed as he walked into the room of now-standing individuals. 

The room resounded with a choir of, “Hello, sir”. 

He gestured proudly at her. “I’d like everyone to meet your executive officer, Commander Emilia Shepard.” 

She gave them a thin-lipped smile and returned their salutes. 

He went through the introductions - Navigator Charles Pressly, Lieutenant Gregory Adams, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, and Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau.

“With all due respect sir, no one has called me Jeff since I moved out of my mom’s house.”

Anderson took an impatient breath in. “Ah, right. Commander Shepard, this is Joker.”

“Seriously?” A sly smile crossed her face. Everyone chuckled quietly.

“Ha-ha. We’ll get along just fine with that kind of sense of humor,” Joker said. 

She took her seat while Anderson gave a short speech on innovation and the reasons behind selecting them all for this team. He gave the floor to Adams who dimmed the lights as a holo Normandy illuminated from the center of the table. “The Normandy SR-1 is a prototype warship with new stealth technology. The brainchild of the Turian Hierarchy and System’s Alliance, she is like nothing we’ve seen before,” Adams said with enthusiasm. 

Shepard listened intently as he explained the tantalus drive core and how it powered the internal emission sink stealth system. Most of what he said went way over her head, but she watched with fascination at the 3D holo image of the Normandy and all its inner workings. The idea that they were the first crew on a ship of this magnitude left a palpable buzz in the air. 

Adams could hardly contain himself. The longer he went on explaining things the more excited and technical he got. She found her mind wandering to the two men sitting across from her - Lieutenant Alenko and Joker. They were both much younger than she expected. She glanced at Pressly who stared at the holographic Normandy with serious intent. Pressly was exactly what Shepard had expected when she read through the dossiers of the crew over the last few nights - balding and old enough to be her dad, she imagined he was as stuffy as he looked. 

Alenko held her gaze before quickly looking back at the projection. She had read his dossier last - a career marine with stunning commendations and perhaps even more interesting, a biotic. Shepard had worked with very few biotics in her career, but found many of them unpleasant to be around; unreasonably cocky, or just plain rude, like they all had something to prove. Being a biotic herself, she was always taken aback by this, but her interactions were so limited she mostly brushed them off. It was a curious thing that Anderson had chosen Alenko to be part of their crew as well as her. Two biotics on one mission was essentially unheard of, but then again this whole mission seemed to be anything but ordinary. 

She looked the lieutenant over and made silent judgments in her head. He was undeniably good-looking, just slightly taller than her with deeply dark brown hair that sat short on the sides and just a little bit longer on top - not exactly regulation. His eyes, almond in shape and color, had an easiness to them that complimented his sharp, distinct eyebrows. Dark stubble covered his face, tracing his perfectly-shaped jawline. Unsurprisingly for a marine, he was lean and muscular without looking like a giant slab of meat. It was all very unfortunate because, in her experience, marines that looked like him were terrible to work with; what with the huge egos and bad tempers. That paired with the biotic factor made her uncharacteristically prejudiced and skeptical of him. She swallowed her pessimism and reminded herself that she trusted Anderson and he picked this crew. 

Joker caught her staring at Alenko and raised his eyebrows in a flirtatious motion. She quietly shook her head in disbelief. He snickered and went back to picking at the embroidering in his navy blue Alliance hat - the letters read “SR-1”. Shepard wondered for a few seconds where he could have gotten that hat before noticing a pair of forearm crutches leaning up against the wall behind him. Puzzled, she fought the urge to look under the table at his legs.

The lights slowly turned back on and she blinked rapidly as her pupils adjusted to the light. Her omni-tool told her three hours had passed and she felt like if she didn’t eat soon she might lose it.

“Any questions?” Adams asked the room. 

Anderson spoke up. “Thank you, Adams. I couldn’t have said any of that better myself. Your passion for this project is evident in the detail of that presentation.”

Adams blushed. “Thank you, sir. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we’re honored to be a part of this.” 

Joker cleared his throat. “So when can we eat?” It was at that moment Shepard was sure they were going to be friends. 

========

At the end of their third and final day of run-down procedures, Shepard was beginning to wonder why she agreed to this in the first place. She missed having a gun in her hand and the smell of metal on the verge of overheating. Her body ached with boredom and her biotics tingled incessantly at her fingertips. She imagined their trip to Eden Prime was unlikely to be exciting and longed for a battle that pushed her limits. 

The best part of the last few days was getting to see the Normandy . As they took their first tour of the ship she was the perfect picture of a good soldier with a calm and professional demeanor. Her responses to being shown certain systems and nuisances of the vessel were simple: “very impressive, sir” and “fascinating, sir”. 

On the inside, she was a kid in a candy shop, using all the restraint she had in her body to not run up and touch every interface. She wanted to stroke her hand down the sleek, new metal of the bulkhead and touch the buttons on every console. The galaxy map that stood elevated in the back instead of classically in the center of the Combat Information Center was screaming to be fussed over and examined. Years of military service and leadership taught her to keep a cool head, but she made plans to take a private tour when there were fewer onlookers. 

She wriggled her fingers impatiently as Anderson gave his end-of-the-day speech. Alenko stood next to her and glanced down at her kinetic hands. 

“Anxious?” He asked when Anderson dismissed them. 

She looked down at her palms as they illuminated with a light blue flicker for a few seconds. “I wasn’t made for meetings and training exercises.”

“So I’ve heard,” he said. 

That startled her. She started to respond when Joker walked over. 

“Well this has just been the highlight of my week,” Joker said as he adjusted his weight on his crutches. 

The Helmsman had missed the whole second and most of the third day of training and as he stood there she realized she never asked him if he was injured. The braces that ran up both of his legs told her this was likely a chronic condition. She stored the information away for later, clearly, Anderson thought he was up for the task despite whatever else was going on. 

“Shepard was just telling me how she’s really been enjoying this time off.” Alenko gave her a smug smile.

Shepard crossed her arms. “Oh yes, nothing like a three-hour-long safety drill to really keep me sharp.”

Joker chuckled. “What do you say to a drink before we ship off on this epic journey tomorrow?”

The question caught her off guard and a million reasons to not go flooded through her mind. She was technically their superior and as much as they joked about it, their job tomorrow was very important. She looked briefly at Alenko who seemed less than enthusiastic about the offer. 

Joker read the crowd. “Oh come on, it’s one drink. I promise to get you kids home before curfew.”

Shepard had a different approach to leadership than most of her superiors. She wanted to make sure her team felt comfortable coming to her for any problems or misunderstandings. She had learned from personal experience that hard-earned trust trumped obligatory respect on the battlefield any day. But as the unfamiliar feeling of nervousness pulsed through her body she decided this was not the kind of introduction she envisioned for this crew. No, she would go home and read through the flight manual and crew dossiers until there wasn’t a shred of doubt in her mind that she was ready for this job.

Alenko looked defeated but shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not like I have other plans.”

She gave them a curt smile. “Another time, boys.”

“You know what? I can already tell you guys are going to be a lot of fun to be around,” Joker said looking between them. 

Shepard laughed softly and turned back to her apartment as they headed off in the opposite direction. 

“We’ll be at Flight Deck if you change your mind!” Joker shouted after her.

Chapter Text

The dimly-lit bar was crowded with patrons socializing in any free space they could stuff themselves. As they entered Joker spotted an available table in the back next to the bathroom as the musty smell of sweat and ale wafted over them. There was one thing he learned after traveling all over the galaxy: no matter the species, planet, or space station - there were grungy dive bars everywhere. 

He pretended not to take notice of Alenko’s glance at his leg braces before the lieutenant offered to brave the crowd that stood like a mote between them and the bar. 

“What do you want?” Alenko asked before turning.

“A beer,” he said. 

Alenko gave him an uneven smile. “Anything in particular?”

“Surprise me, LT.” Joker imagined that Alenko was the kind of guy who hated nicknames and as he watched his lip twitch at the abbreviated form of lieutenant, his suspicions were confirmed. 

Joker headed to the back table, but a figure caught his eye. He switched directions and headed over to Captain Anderson taking great care to avoid anyone who may turn around and run into him. A place like this was a land mine of broken bones for a guy with Joker’s condition. 

“Is this seat taken, Sir?” He asked, surprising the Captain out of his daze. 

“Moreau,” Anderson said. He gestured to the open seat. 

“I gotta say Cap’ I’m a little surprised to see you in a place like this,” Joker said, noting the unkempt characters surrounding them.

Anderson raised his eyebrows. “You think I’m too old for a place like this, Jeff?”

Joker was unphased by Anderson’s persistence to use his proper name. Most of his commanding officers started out that way and by the end, they all caved and started calling him Joker. It was one perk of being handicapped - people let you get away with a lot. 

Long ago he decided that military life wouldn’t suit him. He wasn’t made for rules and regulations. The subordination and politics went against his entire being, but as an army brat, he was forced to grow up in the military anyway. At an early age, he realized that what he was made to do was fly. And if that meant sucking up now and then to a few big-headed admirals, he’d do it, but he’d do it through gritted teeth and layers of sarcasm.  

“Not at all, Sir. I just figured someone of your…caliber might like a… cleaner venue,” he said as he pulled his finger off the sticky table in an affirming display. 

Anderson chuckled. “This is the place I usually head to when I don’t want to be bothered by Alliance personnel. It’s out of the way and the customers aren’t too rowdy. How’d you learn about a place like this?”

“I grew up on this station, Sir,” Joker said. From behind Anderson Joker watched Alenko head over with two golden beers in hand. As soon as he got close enough he stiffened at the sight of Captain Anderson. 

“Hello, Sir,” Alenko said as he placed the beers on the table. Joker watched as the lieutenant’s hand quivered in a debate over saluting him. Much to Joker’s surprise, he remained casual. “If I had known you were joining us I would have gotten you a drink,” he said, eyeing the Captain’s mostly empty glass.

“That’s all right gentleman, I was just leaving. See you bright and early tomorrow.” Anderson downed the rest of his beverage. “Oh, and try not to be too hungover.” He nodded at them before heading for the exit. Alenko turned bright red. 

Joker sipped his beer. “What? It’s not like your underage drinking or something, relax.”

The lieutenant took his seat reluctantly. “You might not be aware of this, but working with Captain Anderson is kind of a big deal. I’d like to make a good impression.”

Joker waved dismissively. “Yeah, yeah. Two N7s and all that, they’re just regular people like you and me.”

Alenko scoffed. “Two regular people who happen to be some of the best at what they do and also happen to hold my career in their hands. Besides, I’m pretty sure the Commander is already not too fond of me.”

“She is a little bit cold, isn’t she? Guess you’d have to be to survive what she’s been through - losing your family to batarian slavers, your whole unit dying on Akuze…that shit would ruin anyone,” Joker mused. 

Alenko laughed. “What? Did you read her entire biography?” 

Joker glared at him. “And you didn’t?” 

“Of course I did, but what happened to thinking they’re ‘normal’ people?” Alenko looked at him smugly. 

“Whatever. I guess none of us are normal, that’s why we’re all here right? I’m the crippled and utterly amazing pilot and you’re the biotic wonderboy. Shepard is the perfect, broken soldier and Anderson is Daddy Warbucks bringing us all together.” 

Alenko raised his eyebrows. “Wonderboy?”

“Yeah, I read up on you too,” Joker said. He had. Kaidan Alenko, one of the first known human biotics and students of the Alliance’s disaster of a biotic school. The school suddenly closed down shortly after his departure and some may even be inclined to assume the two were somehow related. More importantly, Alenko had an L2 biotic amp. Everyone in the galaxy had heard about the Alliance’s absolute failure in creating a biotic implant that made most of its owners die from insanity or other crippling physical defects. Yet here he was, against all odds and exploitation - the Alliance’s golden boy. After reading all that Joker assumed he would either be a complete jack-ass or some kind of nut-job. He was, in fact, pleasantly surprised by how grounded Alenko was. Maybe a little too by-the-book for his taste, but overall he seemed to be a nice guy. 

Alenko shrugged nonchalantly. “Guess you have the advantage on me.”

“You’re telling me you didn’t look me up?” Joker asked, faking offense. 

Alenko finished his beer. “No, I prefer to make my own assessments of people.”

“And Shepard?” Joker asked.

“Well, I had already met her before,” he said.

Joker was genuinely surprised. “You have?” 

Alenko’s cheeks lightly flushed. “Yeah, once…in passing.” He tried to take a sip from his empty cup and then added, “she wouldn’t remember me.”

Joker smiled over his glass. “Oh, I get it. You think she’s hot.”

The lieutenant’s flush turned to bright red. “No, I don’t.”

“It’s okay man, I get it. We were all thinking it…those cute little freckles on her cheeks and those pouty lips. You are human after all.” 

Alenko shook his head with ferocity. 

“What is she not your type?” Joker asked.

The Commander was without a doubt one of the most attractive women he had ever met, but women like her never gave him a second thought so when they met he acknowledged the fact and then brushed it out of his mind entirely. 

Alenko glared at him. “Exactly. Superior officer is not my type.” 

Joker put his hand over his heart and blinked dramatically. “So am I your type?”

Alenko let out a sigh and pushed his chair in as he headed toward the bar. “I’m getting another beer.” 

“At least buy me dinner first!” Joker shouted over the hum of the room. 

Much to his surprise, a tall woman with dark red hair walked through the door. She was clearly looking for someone but didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable to be standing in the doorway alone. It’s likely something most people wouldn’t pick up on, but Joker had spent years reading people’s body language and hers screamed confidence. 

Joker lifted his hand and waved her over. She gave him a lopsided smile when she noticed him and headed toward their table. 

“And here I thought you were too cool for us,” Joker said.

“ I realized this may be our last night of freedom for a while. I should probably enjoy it while I can. One drink won’t hurt and all my friends are off station.”

“Glad to be your second choice…or is it third?” Shepard raised her eyebrows.

“Fourth? Fifth?” Joker asked, his voice rising an octave with each number.

Shepard just smiled. “Relax, I’m not that popular.”

“Coulda fooled me. You’re the infamous Commander Shepard.” He gave her a fat grin and finished his drink. 

“Oh, please don’t start. What about you Jeff Moreau? I read your file. Quite the spectacular scoring, couple dozen commendations. I was honestly surprised you hadn’t gotten an assignment like this sooner,” she said.

Now it was his turn to raise his eyebrows. There’s no way someone with her security clearance didn’t know about his disease. He was certain Anderson would have told her how he landed this position too. “You’re fucking with me.”

“Am I?” She asked innocently.

He took in a deep breath and let it out. “Look, I’ll tell you the same thing I told the Captain. You want me flying the Normandy. I’m not good. I’m not even great. I’m the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet.” He enunciated his words by lightly tapping his finger on the table, careful not to put too much pressure on it. “Top of my class? I earned that. All those commendations in my file? I earned every single one. Those weren’t given to me as charity for my disease.” He instantly regretted raising his voice. He didn’t usually get so defensive about it, but the last few weeks were surreal. He hadn’t stopped fighting for this position since he earned it, every day waking up thinking they would take it from him. 

Shepard raised her palms in defense. “Easy there. I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.” She looked down at his legs. “I assume it has something to do with that. Are you sick?” 

He shrank in his seat. Did she really not know? “Oh. Anderson didn’t tell you?”

She shook her head, eyes wide like he had just asked her if she’d ever spent a summer living with the batarians. Although, that wouldn’t be that far-fetched for someone like her.

“Are you going to tell me?” She asked with impatience. He was grateful that she wasn’t tiptoeing around it. She wasn’t afraid she was going to hurt his feelings, how refreshing. 

He looked around for Alenko, desperately hoping he was coming back with more drinks. He spotted the Lieutenant flirting with the bartender. “Alright, I’ve got Vrolik’s Syndrome.”

She kept staring at him like he was speaking a language her translator couldn’t pick up. “Brittle Bone disease? Ever heard of it?” He asked.

She pursed her lips. “Nope.”

He let out another sigh and prepared his typical speech.

Chapter Text

Kaidan thrummed his fingers against the wet bar and then thought better of it, wiping his hand on one of the small square napkins stacked neatly in front of him. Against his better judgment, he had decided to buy Joker another beer. The Flight Lieutenant seemed like the kind of guy who built up quite the tab with his friends. The bartender was tall and blonde, with hair that sat just above her breasts. Breasts that bounced noticeably under her tight low-cut tank top, accentuated by the thin metal-lace necklace that fell down into the depths of her shirt. She placed two overflowing beers in front of him letting them splash onto the counter. 

“You stationed here very long soldier?” she asked, batting her eyelashes at him.

He smiled politely. “I ship out tomorrow actually.” He swiped his omni-tool over the cashier pad and quickly typed in a tip amount. When he looked up she was still looking at him…ogling, really. He blushed, flattered, but not interested. One-night stands weren’t really his thing.

“Thanks,” he said grabbing the beers.

“Wait.” She gently pulled his arm toward her and extended her omni-tool over his. A phone number populated on the holographic dial pad. “If you get bored before you leave.” She winked at him.

He could feel the heat flush his cheeks and smiled. “Thanks,” he mumbled again and then headed back to the table. Once he had managed to sidestep through the ever-growing crowd he noticed Joker talking to someone. 

She was unmistakable even in a room full of people. First, was her hair - a deep red color that lay in a neat bun on top of her head with wisps falling into her face. The next was her body - tall and muscular, but uniquely elegant. Something about her presence demanded attention. He wasn’t sure if it was the N7 logo staring back at him or if was her unabating confidence.  Last were her eyes - so shockingly blue they were hard to stop looking at once they caught your attention. 

He reached the table faster than he realized and the familiar anxiety he felt around a superior officer, especially one of her caliber, washed over him. “Commander Shepard, I didn’t think you were joining us,” he said as he approached the table. 

They had obviously been talking about something funny before his arrival and her smile faded slightly. “Don’t sound so excited, Lieutenant.” 

He tried to fight the color on his face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m happy you’re here ma’am. I would have gotten you a drink if I had known. Here take mine,” he said pushing his toward her. 

She lifted her eyebrows. “Relax, Alenko. I can get my own drink.”

“Yeah, relax Alenko,” Joker teased.

Kaidan glared at him, suddenly ready to go home. 

Shepard shoved Joker gently. “Be nice to him and he might teach you a thing or two about respect.” She walked toward the bar. 

They both watched her leave and a few minutes passed before Joker said, “Does it hurt?”

“Does what hurt?” Kaidan growled.

“Having that stick so far up your ass,” he said, smirking over his glass.

“Remind me to never hang out with you ever again,” Kaidan said flashing him a smile. 

“She’s actually…pretty cool. I take back what I said. Maybe the ice queen bit is all a show. You know, something she puts on for Anderson?” 

Kaidan shrugged. “Maybe she’s just as nervous as the rest of us. XO at her age is pretty impressive. ”

“Yeah….I don’t know about that. Something tells me she doesn’t get nervous.”

The Lieutenant shook his head. “Everyone gets nervous.”

“And here I thought you believed she was superhuman,” Joker said.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “I never said she was superhuman -”

“Why not? I kind of am.” Her voice startled him and his mouth hung open. She seemed to find that amusing. How did she get back so quickly? “Then again, I guess you are too.” A light flicker of blue lit up her hands. It was gone as quickly as it appeared. He winced at the display. Using his biotics was something he only did on the battlefield and even that had been a rare occurrence until recently. 

“Most of the human race would disagree with that assessment of biotics. Most see it as a disability,” Kaidan said.

Joker scoffed. “Please. I’m so tired of people saying that. It takes the spotlight away from people with real disabilities.” He gestured at himself. “I break a rib if I sneeze too hard. Being able to move things with your mind is hardly a handicap.” 

“I agree with Joker. I couldn’t do my job nearly as well without it,” she said. Kaidan just stared at her. He had met biotics like her, the type who thought their abilities were God’s gift to the world. He had never seen eye to eye with those people.

Shepard cocked her head to the side. “Are you embarrassed of being a biotic?” 

Kaidan bristled. “No, I’m not embarrassed . I just don’t flaunt it around.”

“Hm. Interesting,” she said. 

His sense of professional self-preservation vanished. “Why is that interesting?” Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Joker smirking. Shepard seemed mildly taken aback by his tone.

“I just don’t meet that many biotics.” She shrugged and took a sip of her drink. “The ones that I do meet tend to be…cocky… big-headed if you will,” she said. Joker snickered as he sipped his beer. “Marines like that tend to put themselves on a pedestal or pretend like their biotics make them better than other people.”

“So kind of like what you just said about yourself,” he said. The words felt regretful as they slipped through his lips. 

Joker winced. “Oooo.”

Shepard bit her lower lip, smiled, and stared at him with predatory intent. A million terrible scenarios ran through his head. This assignment was the biggest in his career and already he had insinuated that his XO was cocky and big-headed before it had even started. 

Great. 

She let out an exasperated laugh. “Okay, Alenko. Since we’re off duty I’ll let that one slide, but here’s the thing - you don’t know me. I’ve never claimed to be a great biotic. To be honest, I’m not even a very good biotic. I use it as just another tool, but in no way do I let it define me. You shouldn’t either.”

Say yes ma’am and nod politely , he told himself. “With all due respect Commander, you don’t know me either,” Kaidan said. 

“Dude, just shut up,” Joker muttered.

“No this is important,” he said.

Shepard sat back in her chair, clearly entertained by how far he could shove his own foot in his mouth. 

“I used to let it define me, but I don’t anymore. I just need you to know that.”

Her stare burned into him, but the playful smirk never left her lips. “How about this Lieutenant - no more judgments until we get to know each other better?”

“That seems fair,” he said, never breaking eye contact. 

She smiled and looked at both of them. “Well gentlemen, this has been an eye-opening experience. I think we’re all going to get along just fine. But, time for me to head home.”

Joker downed the last of his drink while Kaidan let go of a breath he had been holding onto. “Do either of you need a ride home?” Joker asked.

“I’m going to walk, I live right next to base,” Shepard said. 

“I do too…if you want company,” Kaidan offered, wishing he hadn’t. Spending more time with him was probably the last thing she wanted. 

She nodded. “Sure, that’s fine.”

They split up outside the bar and said their goodbyes to Joker. The walk home was about fifteen minutes and he suddenly felt unbearably awkward as they walked in silence. Why had he offered to do this? “I’m sorry about my behavior back there, that was completely unprofessional,” he said shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Don’t worry about it. The last thing I want is a bunch of marines who don’t think for themselves. And if I’m being honest, I was thinking the same thing about you. You were just brave enough to say it out loud.” She giggled. 

Brave. More like belligerent. He knew he was wound up tightly when it came to biotics, but that display was completely out of line. “Well thanks, for being cool about it.” It felt weird talking to a superior officer so casually, but she obviously didn’t mind.

“Joker jumped down my throat too,” she said with a hint of humor. 

He rubbed the back of his neck. “About?”

“His disease. Or I should say, about how capable he is despite his disease. Did you know about that?”

“Not in a lot of detail, but we talked about it for a bit,” Kaidan said.

She laughed. “All I said was that I was surprised it had taken him this long to get this kind of posting.”

Kaidan stopped walking and turned to her. She was shorter than him, but still terrifying this close. “You do know how he got this assignment right?”

She gave him a puzzled look. “Is it something special?”

Kaidan laughed and continued walking. “Oh yeah. He applied for it and got denied. Then he happened to be transporting a Turian general to the test flight. On the way there the General had made some snide comment about how Joker would never have been accepted in their army with his disease.” Shepard shook her head in disgust. “Joker doesn’t really take those kinds of comments lying down.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Shepard said.

“So he disembarks from the shuttle he’s flying and locks the Normandy’s test pilot in the bathroom.”

Shepard stopped dead in her tracks. “What?”

He gave her a grin, the city lights illuminating his white teeth. “Just wait, it gets better. He hijacks the Normandy and starts the test flight. Anderson, Dillard, and the Turian general, Invectus, are watching this all happen. At first, they think it's an enemy force hijacking the plane, but Joker reveals it’s him pretty quickly. Dillard is beside himself and orders the closest fighter pilot to take down the ship. Joker dodges it obviously, but eventually, they have a whole fleet trying to take him down. He finishes the test flight and lands the Normandy , not a single scratch or hit on her.”

Shepard was stunned. Her face was similar to that of Kaidan’s when Joker had told him the story. As far as he was concerned a stunt like that was pure insanity.

“And they didn’t arrest him?” She asked.

Kaidan shook his head. “Dillard wanted to, but Invectus was the one who stood up for him. Joker said he was born to fly that ship. He had read up about her specs before the release. I don’t even want to know how he got that classified information. Invectus said it would be a dishonor to the Turian-Human relations to let anyone else fly the ship. Anderson agreed and here we are.”

Her mouth was stuck open and then she smiled. “Anderson always loved a trouble maker.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe that actually worked.”

Kaidan laughed. “That’s what Joker said.”

“I’m not sure if I should be horrified or impressed.”

“I think both would be the appropriate response. At least we know he’ll do anything for that ship,” Kaidan said.

She continued their walk. “Anderson sure knows how to pick ‘em.”

“Have you guys known each other for a long time?” Kaidan asked.

She looked away with a fond smile on her face. “Since I was a teenager, actually. Long story.”

“Maybe you can tell me sometime,” he said.

She gave him a wry smile. “That one is a trade secret…but maybe.” They walked passed the throngs of food kiosks and towering apartments. Electric light illuminated the reflective sidewalk as the last bits of artificial daylight began to fade. Some shops were closing down while others began developing a late-night crowd. 

“Do you normally live on Arcturus?” She asked.

“No, actually, I live in Vancouver. Well, ‘live’ is a loose term, my stuff hangs out at an apartment that I share with a friend of mine. Another cocky biotic.” He gave her a sly smile, catching the reflection of the neon lights in her blue eyes.

She laughed. “Oh, so you have experience with other biotics?” 

He stiffened. “A lot. I trained on Jump Zero.”

“Right, I remember reading that in your file.” She must have heard the shift in his voice because much to his relief she changed the subject. “I think I’ve only been to the Vancouver base once or twice. Haven’t spent much time on Earth at all really except for N-school.”

“Does your stuff usually live here then?” He asked, trying to fill the conversation.

“Yeah, the one dresser drawer of clothing and extra pair of shoes I haven’t used in three years keep an eye on everything while I’m gone.” She let out another quiet laugh and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Probably more than you need to know about me.” 

“I’m partial, but Vancouver is great. Good weather, great hiking. I miss the fresh air and the rain.”

“Rain,” she said breathlessly. “I haven’t felt rain without armor on in…I don’t know how many years. Did you grow up there?” She asked.

“Yeah, my parents have a house looking over the bay and a cottage home on an orchard up in Squamish.”

She looked over at him like he had just spoken an alien language. He laughed, “It’s a little town north of Vancouver.”

“That sounds really nice,” she said.

“It is. If you ever get shore leave on Earth for some reason I highly recommend it. I’d be happy to give you recommendations on where to go.” 

“Thanks,” she said smiling. Shepard stopped in front of a tall apartment building with crowded windows. “This is me.”

“Goodnight Commander,” Kaidan said.

She turned to leave. “See you bright and early, Lieutenant.” 

The gentleman in him told him to wait until she got up to her apartment building, but he thought that might be weird so he continued to walk toward the base. Certainly, Commander Shepard didn’t need him to make sure she got home alright. The whole evening had shaped up to be sort of bizarre, but he had already gotten the feeling this mission was going to be one of a kind.

Chapter Text

Nothing ever happened on Eden Prime. The most exciting thing was unearthing Prothean ruins a few weeks ago, but personally, Ashley Williams could care less. This was by far and away the most boring post she had ever had and after years of being put on shitty assignments, that was saying something. 

When she signed up for the Alliance she knew what she was getting into, or at least, she thought she did. She had watched her dad, an excellent marine, spend his whole career making up for the mess her grandfather created. She naively thought that when it was her turn it would be different, but as she stood overseeing the dockworkers unloading big metal containers onto the rickety platform she wondered if her talents would go unnoticed forever. 

“I’m going to take a piss,” she announced to the two other marines beside her.

“Such a lady,” Lanego said.

Ortiz scoffed. “You wouldn’t know a lady if she sat on your face.” Ortiz was the kind of woman you didn’t want on your bad side. She was taller and stronger than most of the men in the squad. Even so, Ashley had learned over the last couple of months that in her free time she was one of the more feminine women she had ever met. 

“Well anyone would be confused if it were you sitting on their face, Ortiz - what with that giant cock of yours,” Lanego shouted over the sound of the machinery.

“Alright, enough! I know everyone is bored out of their minds, but that doesn’t mean you can go after each other,” Ashley said. This was her first leadership position and while it wasn’t how she imagined it, she was going to do a damn good job. 

Chief Gunnery Officer. She was still getting used to it.

With a fake smile plastered to her face, she said, “I’m gonna walk away for ten minutes…please don’t kill each other while I’m gone.” She grabbed her helmet and headed toward the barracks. 

The sound of her metal armor joints creaked lightly with each step she took uphill. Skyscrapers in the distance loudly announced the accomplishments of humanity. This planet was lush with plant life and opportunity as if it was made to be conquered. She squared her shoulders and took a deep breath of fresh air.  There are worse places to be , she thought with a smile on her face. 

Clouds darkened the sky as she reached her destination. She looked up expecting rain but instead saw something out of a nightmare. A ship four times the size of the largest dreadnought in the shape of an elongated arthropod glided down in the distance. The ship was completely foreign and without markings - Williams knew immediately it was alien. Lightning and thunder cracked above her - a warning. 

She turned quickly and sprinted back to the docks. They had been assigned to guard the dig site, but a smaller group of them stuck to their normal routine of monitoring the docks. She liked to split her time between groups but preferred the company of Ortiz and Lanego. 

Emergency evacuation procedures ran through her mind. She attempted to contact her CO, but the communication lines had been cut. Gunshots and screaming echoed through the rocky terrain. The only aggressive alien species the humans had to worry about were the Batarians, but there was no way scum like that had the resources for a ship that large. An attack on a colony as big as Eden Prime was way too advanced for them. Every other council race had agreed to peace with the humans, but Ashely had always believed it was only a matter of time before someone went after them. Some thought she was cynical, but if there was one thing she knew for certain it was that history had a way of repeating itself. 

As she approached the dock, bodies littered her path. How could this have happened so quickly? She tried to contact anyone on their comm line again. Short-range communication between individuals was almost impossible to disrupt. “Is anyone there?” She shouted.

“Chief, it’s Ortiz. We’re pinned on the east side of the docks. Some sort of robots are attacking us.” Robots? She searched her mind for any species she could remember. The geth - humanoid and sapient AIs that rebelled against the species that created them hundreds of years ago…but they’d never been a threat to anyone other than their creators.

She saw the glint of metal in her periphery and leaned back against a prefab building. “Stay put. I’m headed your way,” she said.

“Lanego’s dead. Oh fuck, he’s dead. They’ve killed so many people. Oh god,” Ortiz said.

“Ortiz, I need you to stay calm,” Ashley said. She knew full well that a panicked soldier was a dead soldier. Her marines in particular weren’t trained to fight against a machine race that didn’t bleed and had perfect aim. They were ground troops guarding a colony that no one ever expected to be attacked. They had numbers, but they weren’t elite soldiers. 

Her stomach lurched, her heart pounding as she crept through the metal crates that littered the dock, stepping over dead civilians. Two geth were setting up a large metal tripod with a flat base. The mechanical chirps they exchanged sent shivers down her spine. She took two perfectly aimed shots and knocked them both down before they could notice her presence. She holstered her assault rifle and continued in Ortiz’s direction before more arrived. 

“You still there Ortiz? I’m almost to you,” she said.

“Just killed one of these fuckers,” Ortiz said.

She smiled despite herself. “That’s it, pretend this is just target practice.” She could see Ortiz crouched behind a crate, but to get to her, she’d have to traverse through a large open space. 

“Think you can cover me, Ortiz?” Williams leaned over her hiding spot and shot the head off another geth. 

One down, five more to go.

Killing one alerted three others and they barreled toward her. This was an enemy like no other. They had no sense of self-preservation as they ran in her direction. She quickly shot the knees out of one of them before blowing another’s head off. The final one rounded her position and brought down her shields as she sprayed it with bullets. It collapsed into a heap of metal parts in front of her. She slumped to the ground and let out a sigh of relief. She was almost disturbed to find a part of her enjoying this. 

“Damn,” Ortiz said. 

She smiled. “Alright, I’m heading to you. We’re gonna take these bastards out.” She sprinted through the gap, aiming at the machines as she ran. She slid behind cover next to Ortiz who had knocked down two of the geth. Her chest heaved with each breath under her thick armor. 

“Nice job,” she said.

“What the fuck are these things even doing here?” Ortiz asked.

“They’re Geth…you know the Quarian’s machines? They must be after the ruins,” Ashley said.

“Goddammit, I knew messing with that alien tech was a bad idea!” Ashley wholeheartedly agreed with her, but for diplomatic reasons, she held her tongue. 

“I didn’t see a single marine alive on my way here. How is that even possible?” 

Ortiz shook her head. “We weren’t expecting them. The sky got dark and all of a sudden they were shooting everyone. Lanego was dead before I could even draw my gun.”

“Well, there’s no way the entire 212 is gone, but I can’t contact anyone,” Ashley said. She leaned out of cover and took out the remaining Geth patrol. “Let’s go. I’m sure there’s more where that came from.”

Ortiz looked around wildly. “Go where?”

Ashley took the moment to check her assault rifle. “The rest of the 212 is patrolling the artifact. We need to meet up with them and find the 232, they’re at the scientist camp.”

Ortiz’s eyes widened. “You want to run toward them?”

Images of dead civilians filled Ashley’s mind. “Marine! We have a duty to protect this colony!”

Ortiz swallowed. “Yes, ma’am!” They moved out of cover and headed south toward the dig site, dodging shots and killing as many geth as they could. The bodies of marines lay on the ground like forgotten rubble in a collapsed world. Ashley began to wonder if everyone really had been wiped out. 

But it was the smell of burning human flesh and smoke filling her senses with each breath that made her panic. She tried again to contact someone, anyone, but with no luck. She let out a sigh of relief when a group of six marines came in to view. They were standing in a clearing, burning buildings in the background lent a post-apocalyptic air to the situation.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” Sergeant Tallis slapped Ashley on the back.  

“What’s wrong, Tallis? Having a bad day?” Ashley asked, feigning passiveness. She looked around at the three other marines. “Anyone else alive?”

Tallis’s shoulders slumped. “A huge grenade took out a bunch of us. I’m not sure about anyone else. This is some fucked up shit.” 

This clearing wasn’t safe; the too-quiet stillness sent a shiver down her spine.“Tell me about it. Ok, let’s move out of here,” Ashley said. She looked over at one of the marines who was recording everything through their omni-too and raised an eyebrow at Tallis.

Tallis lowered his voice. “He’s been trying to send a signal out this whole time.”

“I can hear you and I think I’ve finally gotten something! The Normandy ?” The marine said. 

“There ain’t no ship called the Normandy ,” one of the other marines chimed in. 

Ashley was about to stop the argument when Ortiz collapsed next to her. Blood poured from a bullet wound between her eyes. She fired off a few rounds in the direction of the shooter but saw nothing.

“Get down!” Ashley shouted and went to cover the marine recording. It was too late. An explosion knocked her sideways. Her head felt like it was split open and her vision blurred. She tried to crawl toward Tallis as he yelled into the video for help. 

Another explosion went off and her body flew backward into a boulder, a sickening crunch sounded as she made impact. Adrenaline raced through her veins and she grasped at reality - the world shook. She knew if she didn’t move quickly she’d be dead. With all her energy she pulled herself up and sprinted in the opposite direction. Drones followed her every move, shooting at her until she tripped over herself. With speed and precision, she flipped around and shot both drones down quickly.

She caught her breath before realizing right next to her were two geth. They paid no attention to her as they placed a disoriented scientist onto one of the metal tripods she had seen them set up earlier. It happened so fast, there wasn’t time to stop them as a two-story spike impaled the man’s chest and raised him into the sky. A yelp escaped her and she ran for cover behind a craggily boulder. She leaned out to shoot at the geth, but before she could pull the trigger they collapsed under someone else’s fire. Turning around quickly she found herself face-to-face with two unfamiliar marines. 

For a second she thought she’d lost it. Had help really arrived? Then she saw the legendary N7 marking down the woman’s right arm and she knew she wouldn’t…couldn’t have imagined that. She immediately straightened her posture. “Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212,” she said as she raised her hand to salute.

Chapter Text

Kaidan closed his book and rubbed his eyes before getting up to stretch, his muscles singing with relief at the movement. He looked around to make sure he was alone and walked over to the bed Shepard lay on, checking on her for the hundredth time. Her skin was pale against her dark red hair in the fluorescent light of the medbay. A scar split through her right eyebrow and continued diagonally down her face. He wondered what part of her life led her to that injury. Machines beeped rhythmically in the background and he was suddenly reminded of the medbay on Jump Zero. He wiggled his fingers anxiously and let out a deep sigh. 

The opening of the medbay door startled him as Doctor Chawkwas walked through. He moved back to the chair, trying to remain casual, but he knew she saw right through him. “Her vitals are still normal, Kaidan. I know you have enough medical training to know she just needs time and you need sleep,” the doctor said.

He bit his lip. “I know, I just want to be here if anything changes. And - you know - apologize when she wakes up.”

“I’ve said it once, but I’ll say it again - what happened wasn’t your fault.” She glanced Shepard over and wrote down her recent vitals. 

The lieutenant sat down and ran his fingers through his hair. “We don’t know that, but you’re right - overanalyzing it won’t solve anything. Easier said than done, doc.” 

She smiled at him. “Just don’t work yourself into a migraine.” 

It was too late for that. He had been on the verge of one since they got back from Eden Prime, but his adrenaline and some mild pain killers were keeping it at bay. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. “I’ll try.” 

“Well, while I have you here, there are a few more things I need to tend to. I’ll leave her in your care.” She nodded at him and left the room. 

He internally kicked himself. How was it possible for him to keep messing up one mission this badly? And worst of all, Jenkins was dead. He groaned at the image of him laying in the dirt. Eden Prime was a nightmare. That whole colony, hell, all of humanity would never be the same again. Images of scientists on spikes, dead marines, dead specters killed by rogue specters, geth…fucking geth everywhere flooded his mind and he got up to pace back and forth. It had been half a day since they got back and all he’d done was sit in this medbay waiting for her to wake up. He stopped pacing and stood at the foot of her bed. 

On the battlefield, she was even better than he imagined. Commander Shepard - calculated and bold, adjusting to the needs of the fight and adapting to her crew's abilities like they had been working together their whole lives. Her shot was nearly perfect and her biotics were fluid and intense. It was hard not to marvel at her and yet, at the end of it all, he almost killed her. This was definitely worse than calling her cocky.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and remembered the buzz of the beacon and how effortlessly she threw him to the side. He wanted to grab her as it pulled her in, but Williams was right, it was too dangerous. Now all he had to do was wait. He didn’t know her well enough to gauge whether or not she’d be angry when she woke up, but his need to remedy the situation outranked his fear of her resentment. 

She stirred slightly and blinked a few times. “Doctor? Doctor Chawkwas! I think she’s waking up,” he said into his comm.  He ran over to her side as the doctor entered the room. Kaidan took a step back as she slowly sat up, cradling her head in her hands. Doctor Chawkwas examined her briefly.

“You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?” Doctor Chawkwas asked.

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut. “Like the morning after shore leave. How long was I out?”

“About fifteen hours. Something happened down there with the beacon, I think,” Doctor Chawkwas said.

Kaidan cleared his throat. “It’s my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way.”

She glanced back, noticing him for the first time. She gave him a gentle smile that surprised him. “You had no way of knowing what would happen. Besides, one of us would have approached it eventually.” With those words, he felt lighter.

Doctor Chawkwas glanced at him dismissively. “We don’t even know if that’s what set it off. Unfortunately, we’ll never get the chance to find out.”

Shepard looked between them. “Why? Where is it now?”

He forgot he’d have to explain this part to her. He wanted to look away, but he held eye contact. “The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe. The blast knocked you out cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship.”

Shepard’s eyes widened. “Well, shit.” She let out a big sigh. “So, what’s the damage doc?” Kaidan was surprised at how cavalier she was, though he couldn’t say he wasn’t relieved. 

The doctor checked her pupils with a flashlight. “Physically, you’re fine. But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming.”

Shepard’s face dropped like she was recalling a terrible memory. Doctor Chawkwas glanced up from her paper. “Shepard?”

“I saw - I’m,” she paused, furrowing her brow, “I’m not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction. Nothing’s really clear,” she said quietly. 

The sound of the doors cycling open broke the silence. “How’s our XO holding up, Doctor?” Anderson asked as he entered the room.

“All her readings look normal. I’d say the Commander is going to be just fine.” Doctor Chawaks gave her a warm smile.

“Glad to hear it. Shepard, I need to speak with you,” Anderson said. He glanced at Kaidan. “In private.”

Kaidan nodded. “Aye, aye, sir. I’m glad you're going to be okay Commander. I’ll be in the mess if anyone needs me.”

“What we need is for you to get some rest, Lieutenant,” Doctor Chawkwas said. Kaidan blushed and grabbed his book before heading toward the door. He suddenly felt uncomfortable, silly even, that he had spent all that time waiting for her to wake up. She was right, someone would have set it off eventually, why did he think sitting next to her bedside was going to fix anything? 

He absentmindedly picked a meal from the interface in the mess hall and took a seat after it was heated. He was still mulling over how much he’d bungled things when Williams slid into the chair across from him.  “Hey, LT. I heard you put my name up to join this crew. I just wanted to say, thank you,” Williams said. 

He hadn’t seen her since they got back from Eden Prime. She had her hair pulled into a tight bun and was in her BDUs. She was much younger than he remembered and more attractive. At this point in his career, Kaidan was used to being in uncomfortably tight quarters with attractive women. He was never the kind of guy to ogle before becoming a marine, but even more so thoughts like that filtered through his brain quickly. There were few things he took more seriously than his position as an officer and there was no way he was going to let something as simple as a pretty girl get in his head.

“You did a good job on Eden Prime, especially given the circumstances. I’m sorry about your unit,” he said.

The chief’s eyes shifted around uncomfortably for a few seconds. “Thanks, all the more reason to want payback.” So, she was a soldier with an apt for vengeance. He nodded in response and continued to eat. 

“You guys lost someone too, right?” She asked.

He put his fork down. “Yeah, Corporal Richard Jenkins.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” he said and resumed eating. 

She leaned in closer and lowered her voice. “It’s pretty cool though, being on a mission with two N7s. I mean Commander Shepard is the ultimate crush.” He raised his eyebrows.

“You know, career crush,” she clarified.

He chuckled. “I’m not familiar with the concept.”

She let out a dramatic sigh. “Everyone has a career crush. It’s who you admire, aspire to be like, and are completely wowed by.”

“I think that’s called a role model, Chief.”

She shrugged. “Tomato, tomato. Regardless, the Commander is mine. She’s accomplished so much in such a short time. I can’t wait to learn from her. Working with her on the battlefield -,” she leaned back and let out all the air from her lungs, “crazy right?”

Kaidan smiled, he wasn’t particularly comfortable talking about their executive officer like this. “She’s a very talented marine.”

Williams threw up her hands. “Okay I’ll just say it, she’s gorgeous too.”

Kaidan bristled. “I think that’s enough, Williams.” He wondered if he made a mistake by keeping her on the ship. It would be interesting, no doubt about that.  

She slumped back in her chair. “Sorry, sometimes I talk too much. I think I’ll go find the other marines.”

He pulled his book out - a hint to leave him alone. “I think that’s a good idea.” She left the room and he rubbed his face, his migraine was getting worse. He knew he needed sleep, fast. 

“Lieutenant. A word?” Kaidan whipped around in his seat. Shepard was standing a few steps away from the table. Had she heard their conversation?

He saluted her. “Commander. Good to see you…well, vertical.” 

She gave him a tight-lipped smile and relaxed her posture. “Look, I’m all for formalities and stuff when people are watching, but you don’t need to salute every time you see me.” 

He chuckled nervously. “Alright, ma’am.”

“I wanted to make sure you were doing okay after Jenkins, that was rough. I mean the whole thing was…pretty awful,” she said.

“Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians. Jenkins served honorably, he was a good marine. I’m okay though. And you?” He asked.

She seemed surprised by his inquiry. “I think we’ll all feel a lot better when we get this whole rogue spectre situation sorted out.”

They stood in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds. Shepard seemed like she had more to say and he didn’t want to end the conversation abruptly. “Look…I just have to ask. Did you, um…did you wait the whole time I was out?” She gestured to the med bay. 

His cheeks burned and he thought seriously about lying, but what good would that do if she found out the truth. “Well…I just didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

She crossed her arms and gave him a puzzled look. “Doctor Chawkwas was there though.”  

“Yeah…uh, I felt bad about everything that happened back there. I just needed to know you were going to be alright.”

She smiled. “That you didn’t kill your new XO?”

He relaxed a little bit. “Exactly.”

She nodded. “Well, get some sleep. We’ll be at the Citadel in ten hours.”

“Yes ma’am.” He headed toward the barracks. 

“Alenko,” she said. He turned to face her. “Thanks…for waiting.”

“We’re marines. We have to stick together,” he said and left to go get some much-needed sleep.

Chapter Text

Shepard twisted what she assumed was pasta around her fork and stared at it. The Citadel was full of aliens and even more alien cuisine. Her stomach grumbled and the Commander decided she was too hungry to care what it was made of. 

“You two eat more in one sitting than I do in an entire day,” Williams said.

Alenko swallowed his mouthful. “A comment about biotic appetites? No way.”

Shepard snickered while Williams looked puzzled. She was surprised to admit it, but there was something nice about having another biotic around. She had spent so long being the only one that she was actually relieved to find out they had so much in common. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Williams asked.

Alenko gave her a friendly smile. “Nah it’s just right up there with, ‘did it hurt to get your implant?’”

“‘Can you read people’s minds?’” Shepard chimed in. Alenko chuckled and gave her a look of understanding.

Williams rolled her eyes. “Oh, I get it. I’m the odd one out here.”

Shepard shrugged. “Guess you’ll just have to educate yourself on the intricacies of human biotics.”

“I’ll make sure to add it to my other studies: How to Speak Asshole Politician and Becoming a Detective 101 .”

Crass as she was, Shepard didn’t disagree with her. The Commander thought about their recent meeting with the council. They so quickly dismissed any notion that Saren could be behind the attacks on Eden Prime. Based on what Captain Anderson had said about Saren’s past…was it so hard to believe he could hate humans that much? 

She wanted to help Anderson and more than anything she wanted to pin down Saren and prove the council wrong, but running around trying to uncover evidence wasn’t really her thing. She found that her use-force-ask questions-later approach had served her well so far. This task took more tact and patience than she normally had to expend. Still, she had a job to do and if she prided herself on anything it was her work ethic. “Let me know if you learn anything,” Shepard mumbled. 

She pulled up a map of the Citadel on her omni-tool. “Alright, we’re looking for a guy named Harkin. Hopefully, he can lead us to Garrus who may be able to help us get proof against Saren.” Her head was spinning with all of these potential leads. “Anderson said we’d find him in a club called Chora’s Den. Looks like that's in this area called the Wards. Shall we take a field trip?”

“Nothing like a little sightseeing,” Alenko said.

They finished their meal and walked through the Presidium, stopping occasionally to marvel at the scenery. Wealth oozed from the lush greenery and towering white-polished buildings. The lake surrounding them glistened in the artificial daylight where individuals sat lazily at the water’s edge staring out at nothing - as if the most important part of their day was deciding if they should eat their lunch on the promenade or get a lakeside view. 

Amongst the people dressed in business wear or what Shepard would consider elegant evening gowns, she felt slightly out of place in her BDUs. It only added to how displaced she felt about everything that had happened over the last three days. The battle on Eden Prime and dealing with the Council paled in comparison to the vivid and haunting images that plagued her since her dance with the beacon. She always had a knack for compartmentalizing events, but this vision felt immense and impossible. How could she begin to filter through something she didn’t understand at all? 

Alenko and Williams droned on about something trivial as they took the elevator down to the Wards. If they noticed she wasn’t paying attention they didn’t mention it. Her shoulders relaxed as she walked around the Wards. Down here the lights were dimmed, the people wore normal clothing, and the floor was dirty - much more her speed. A huge window overlooking the arms of the Citadel covered the wall in front of them. Ashley ran over to its edge, remarking at the size of the station. 

“Big place!” Alenko said, looking over the view in awe. 

Shepard and Williams gave him a sideways look. He wasn’t wrong. Stretched out before them were the expansive Citadel arms, each holding its own massive city. The lights of towering buildings and speeding grav cars were like smoldering coals over a cooling fire - flickering in and out of deep grooves and imperfect layers. 

Shepard knew, logically, how many people lived on the Citadel. She had read about its discovery and the advancements of galactic importance that were made here, but to see it was entirely different. She felt small and insignificant, but it calmed her. Alenko and Williams bantered back and forth about the architectural impossibility of it all.

“This makes Jump Zero look like a porta john…and it’s the largest deep space station the Alliance has,” Willliams said.

Shepard didn’t miss how Alenko stiffened at the mention of Jump Zero. “Jump Zero is big, but this is a whole other scale,” he said, slowly relaxing his posture.

“I guess I didn’t realize just how many races lived here. No wonder they’re wary of newcomers,” Shepard said. 

“Makes you see it from a different light, huh? Must be a logistical nightmare keeping everyone happy,” Alenko speculated. 

“Or they just hate humans,” Wiliams remarked. 

Shepard bristled. This was exactly the reason she didn’t want Williams on the mission - she had too much hatred after Eden Prime. She was angry, spiteful, lost…she was exactly what Shepard was after Akuze. How could Anderson not see how inappropriate making her part of the team was? They had plenty of excellent marines on the Normandy already. She took a deep breath in to calm herself.

“Why would they? We’ve got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love . According to those old sci-fi vids, we have everything any alien culture could want,” Shepard offered.

Alenko quickly responded. “Well, when you put it that way there’s no reason they wouldn’t like you -”

Ashley and Shepard exchanged glances. 

“I mean - us - uh - humans, ma’am,” he said, stumbling over his words. 

Did he just hit on me ?

Shepard wasn’t oblivious - she knew she was attractive. And this was far from the first time a hot-headed marine laid it on thick, but the comment took her by surprise. Alenko, up until this point, had proved her wrong about her original assumptions. From what she could tell he seemed careful…thoughtful even.

“You don’t take much shore leave, do you LT?” Williams asked.

Shepard chuckled quietly. Maybe it was an honest mistake, but she couldn’t let it slide that easily. “Alright, laugh it up Chief. I appreciate the thought Alenko, but we’re on duty here.” She winked at him jokingly, men were so easy to unsettle. 

Alenko was brick red. “I didn’t - I - yes ma’am.” He sighed, undoubtedly deciding that if she was willing to let it go he should too. 

Shepard led them through the markets: brightly lit kiosks manned by wide-eyed merchants. Apparently, it didn’t matter where in the galaxy you were, all salesmen looked sleazy no matter the species. Their funds were limited, but she still stared starry-eyed at the different guns displayed on the holo screens above each kiosk, making a mental note for a return visit. 

She was checking the map on her omni-tool when a familiar pressure on her shield made her slide behind a support column. Gunfire exploded as she yelled for the other marines to get down. According to her HUD, there were only two assassins. She sighed in disappointment, this would end too quickly. 

She came out from cover and dodged poorly aimed bullets as she walked closer to her attacker. From behind her, she could feel Alenko’s gravity-well throw the other assassin against the wall and heard Williams fire until his heat signature was gone from her interface. She closed in on the turian who had just taken down her shield with his third shot and flung him into the wall behind him. She smiled for added effect before shooting him twice with her shotgun. “Well, that was unexpected,” she said. 

“You think those were Saren’s men?” Alenko asked. 

“I don’t know who else I’ve pissed off…recently.” She flashed all of her teeth. 

If the patrons in Chora’s Den heard the firefight outside, they didn’t care. No one so much as even looked in their direction as they walked into the club except the large Krogan bouncer who had nodded silently as they entered. Music blared as neon lights pulsed to the rhythm. Asari danced exotically on tables, their clothing leaving little to the imagination. Taking her squad to a strip club was definitely a first. 

She spotted a thin man in the corner that looked like he hadn’t showered in days. “I think that’s Harkin. I’m going to go talk to him, try not to get into too much trouble,” she shouted at them over the music. 

She headed toward Harkin, fighting the urge to turn around as he sized her up. “Hey sweetheart, you sure look good in that soldier outfit. Why don’t you sit your sweet ass down and have a drink with me?” 

“I’d rather drink acid and choke on a razor blade.”

“If you’re trying to insult me, honey, you’re going to have to do better than that,” he sneered.

She gave him a fake smile. “How about this? I will kick those tiny testicles clean off your body if you don’t tell me where a turian named Garrus is…and fast, I’m not very patient.”

He threw up his hands. “Jeez, sweetheart. You must be Anderson’s soldier…the protege.” A smirk that made her stomach clench slithered onto his face.

She sighed. “Harkin, didn’t I just say I wasn’t very patient?” His eyes widened as she lifted her boot and put it between his legs. She leaned forward putting all her weight onto his crotch and resting her body against her knee. He struggled underneath her, but with every movement, she dug her heel farther in. 

“I’ll tell you! I’ll tell you!” He pleaded. 

She removed her foot and he made an effort to escape. But she was faster and stronger than him. The Commander slid into the booth next to him, pinning him with her forearm. “You’re scum...maybe worse than scum. Tell me where Garrus is and you’ll live to see another meaningless day,” she snarled.

“Last I heard he’s still investigating Saren. He’s looking into a tip he got about a Quarian in the Wards med clinic. If you hurry, he’s likely to still be there,” he said through pained breaths.

Shepard let go and sighed. “Why was that so hard?” 

“Leave me alone,” Harkin grumbled. 

“Gladly,” she said as she walked away. 

Shepard looked around the club for her squad and saw Alenko sitting at the end of the bar with his head in his hand. As she approached him another woman moved in front of her. The Commander was about to ask her to leave when the woman spoke to him. 

“Let me buy you a drink,” the woman offered. 

Shepard slid further down the bar and listened, amused. 

Alenko looked up at the woman. She was beautiful and dressed scantily enough that even Shepard’s eye wandered. “No,” he said with a groan and put his head back in his hand. 

“Sorry, what was that?” She asked. Clearly, she wasn’t used to getting that answer.

He looked up, annoyed. “I said, no…but I guess I should have said no, thank you. Would that have been better? Please go,” he pleaded. 

Shepard couldn’t help but laugh to herself as the woman haughtily walked away. She scooted in next to him. “So do you hate women or alcohol?” She asked.

His head snapped up at the sound of her voice, but his eyes had a dead look to them. “Loud music, lights…it’s not my thing.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Besides, I’m on duty,” he said, smiling painfully. 

“You look like you’re going to be sick. Should I get you a water?” Shepard asked, now actually concerned by the color he was turning. 

“Can we just leave, please?” He begged. 

“Sure, let me find Williams. We’ll meet you outside.” 

He rushed out of the club quickly. She found Williams coming out of the bathroom a few seconds later and they headed out the door. 

“I don’t think the lieutenant is feeling very good,” Shepard said as they walked out. 

“Yeah, no kidding,” Williams said when they found Alenko sitting next to his vomit. 

Shepard knelt next to him. “Are you okay? Do you need to go back to base?”

“No. I’m fine…I just - I get migraines.” He gestured at the back of his neck, keeping his eyes closed.

“From the implant.” It wasn’t a question. Shepard was well-informed about the L2 side effects. Mostly because she had spent hours agonizing over if she’d develop any from her L3. He made a sound in agreement. 

Shepard and Williams looked at each other, unsure of what to do. Under normal circumstances, this would be unacceptable. She’d never stop a mission for someone’s migraine - they would either go back to base or suck it up, but she sympathized with Alenko in a way she hadn’t felt before. “How about this? We’ll head back to that nice viewpoint and get some water. Then you can decide if you want to keep going or not.” He opened his eyes and looked at her mortified, but nodded slowly and stood up. 

“Note to self: LT hates half-naked Asari,” Williams mumbled on their way back. Shepard shot her a warning look, but a smile was forming in the corners of her mouth. They sat down at the beautiful view overlooking the Citadel and Williams went to get water. 

“This is so embarrassing,” Alenko finally said. His color was starting to come back. 

“One time, I was on a scouting mission through…well, it doesn’t matter where. Anyway, I got stung by something and my whole face was swollen. I couldn’t breathe, thought I was going to die right there on that stupid planet.” She gave him a sheepish grin. “Someone shot me with epi and…well…I didn’t die. But my eyes were essentially swollen shut for the rest of the mission.” She shook her head at the memory. “I was completely useless…and really itchy.” 

He laughed. Mission accomplished. 

“Any other health concerns I should know about?” She asked. 

He let out a sigh. “Just the migraines. This one was fairly minor, they don’t usually pass so quickly. I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

She shrugged. “Yeah, you should have, but I’ll let it slide.”

“Well, now you know about the migraines and I know you’re allergic to bugs,” he said.

She rolled her eyes. “Not all bugs.”

“I’ll make sure to pack a fly swatter in my medkit.” He smiled wryly.

“Don’t forget the bug spray,” she chided.

“I wouldn’t dream of it, ma’am.”

Chapter Text

Executor Venari Pallin waited impatiently for Garrus Vakarian’s response. He didn’t understand what the issue was. His question, more a command really, regarded ceasing the investigation of the well-known Turian specter, Saren Arterius. Of course, Garrus was having such a difficult decision responding because of facts unknown to Executor Pallin, the head of Citadel Security. 

Minutes before arriving at Executor Pallin’s office, Garrus was given a tip into the investigation of the well-known specter, Saren Arterius. A tip that might change the course of the entire investigation…or not, Garrus was none the wiser. 

Executor Pallin liked Garrus, truly. Maybe a little bull-headed…a little too opinionated for his taste, but overall he was a good officer. More importantly, he came from a good family. That was important because status was something that Turians valued. 

“Do I need to repeat myself?” Executor Pallin asked after what seemed like a prolonged pause. 

“No, sir,” Garrus replied respectfully, but without answering the original question. 

This did not go unnoticed by Executor Pallin.

“Well? You’ll stop the investigation then?” Executor Pallin asked. 

In that split second Garrus had to decide whether to lie or to stop the investigation. He truly believed that Saren was guilty of something, but finding evidence had proven more difficult than anticipated. 

Days before - 50 hours, 33 minutes, and 16 seconds to be exact - the human colony of Eden Prime had been attacked by a race of sentient machines known only to exist in the far-off reaches of the galaxy. These machines were called Geth. 

Garrus remembered learning about Geth in his alien studies class in school. The only book Garrus had ever read about Geth was a book of poems written by the Quarian Nohe'Jallo vas Hiwib. Quarians were the creators of the Geth and the prime target of their massacre. Here is an example of a poem from that book:

Metal lifeless hands

Reaching for me in my dreams

Destruction of hope

The Quarians had created the Geth as a workforce. They never intended for them to be sentient, attack their creators, kick them off their homeworld, and subject them to traveling aimlessly in the galaxy in search of a new home. But alas, even the best-laid plans…

Now, after a few hundred years in solitude, they were attacking human colonies, and somehow Saren Arterius, a well-known spectre, was involved. Or so Garrus thought. That was the point of the investigation. 

One day earlier Garrus had been confronted by a human soldier who defeated the Geth on Eden Prime. She was going to speak to the Council about Saren and revoking his well-known spectre status. She was not successful in this task. This was due to the limited evidence against Saren. A problem Garrus was already familiar with. 

“Yes, sir,” Garrus responded. It was a lie. 

“Good. Saren is a well-respected Turian and need I mention, a well-known specter. The last thing we want is trouble from the Council. Dismissed,” Executor Pallin said. 

Executor Pallin considered Garrus may be lying, it certainly wouldn’t have been the first time. But he hoped otherwise. Hoped with great vigor because his career depended on it. Minutes before meeting with Garrus he had met with the Council who didn’t appreciate C-sec butting into their affairs regarding their specters who played by their rules. 

Or lack of rules , Executor Pallin thought. He didn’t appreciate specters, not one bit. 

Garrus walked out of Executor Pallin's office and opened up his omni-tool terminal. He read the encrypted message one more time:

There’s a Quarian…she knows something about Saren. Those Quarian are always up to no good…vagrants if you ask me. Anyway, she’s hiding out in the med clinic with that hot piece of ass, Doctor Michel. 

Garrus wasn’t sure who the tip was from. He didn’t appreciate the vulgarity of the note, but he wasn’t a stickler for morality. Garrus knew, especially in his line of work as a C-sec officer, that the lines between immoral and moral often blurred. It was for this reason that he didn’t enjoy certain aspects of his job. 

He thought fondly of a human movie he once saw depicting something called, cowboys. These were lawless men that went about their business with no regard to the rules except for the code of men and honor. Garrus dreamed of a world where he didn’t need to fill out forms T-657 and B-5254 to arrest a known suspect. A world where he didn’t need to report a request to his overseeing officer who then reported to their overseeing officer and their overseeing officer until the highest overseeing officer would pass down a response to his underling, and then again to the underling below that underling until it got back to Garrus days later and the answer was no. The answer was always no. Garrus was tired of it.

He rode the elevator up to the med clinic and listened as the speakers broadcasted the most recent news.

He arrived at the med clinic doors which were slightly ajar. Unusual because all doors within the Citadel opened completely at once and closed completely at once. Doors were never open ajar unless there was a problem. Garrus peered in with caution before slowly prying the doors open and slipping inside. 

Four men stood around Dr. Michel. Garrus didn’t know Dr. Michel well, but she seemed nice enough whenever they interacted. He would never describe her as a hot piece of ass because Garrus didn’t find humans attractive. Too much soft skin and squish for his liking. 

“Tell us where the Quarian is,” one of the men demanded.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Dr. Michel said in her thick French accent. 

Garrus, hidden behind a pillar, unclipped his gun and held it in his hands. There would be no way to rationally explain this event to Executor Pallin. He ran through a variety of excuses in his head. He considered the situation - four against one. Garrus had confidence in his skills as a gunman, but numbers were numbers. 

That’s when the humans walked in. They were the same humans that had saved Eden Prime…or what was left of it. They were noisy and obvious as humans typically are. This left Garrus open for the perfect shot, the one that would likely end his career.

Chapter Text

Standing a few feet away from a kiosk bar Alenko watched as Shepard casually sat next to a Krogan three times her size. He hadn’t known her for very long, but something told him that in a one-on-one fight, that Krogan would be hard-pressed to beat her. 

In their last battle he was almost certain she was smiling as she shot a man in the head. There was something entirely psychotic about her, yet she was so patient about his migraine the day before. He decided the one thing he knew for sure was that whatever she did, she did it with ferocity. 

“Wrex, right?” Shepard asked the Krogan.

“Depends who's asking,” he grumbled in response. 

Alenko turned away from their conversation and found Williams pacing by a fountain. There were fountains everywhere on the Citadel as if water was easy to obtain on a remote space station. Not that he was complaining, in fact, he found them soothing. 

“Something wrong, Chief?” He asked her.

“I guess I’m a little confused by what we’re doing here. First, she has the Turian working with us and now she’s asking this Krogan for help? We don’t need either of them,” Williams huffed.

“I think it’s pretty admirable she’s willing to ask for help. This problem may be bigger than all of us and if Wrex knows more about where Fist is keeping the Quarian, we may be able to find her without a firefight.” He glanced back as the Krogan let out a hearty laugh. 

“I just hope she knows what she’s doing,” Williams mumbled. 

Alenko raised his eyebrows. “Do you have a problem with aliens, Chief?”

Williams stopped pacing. “No, sir. I just…I feel like what’s happening with Saren involves our colonies. Is it wise to involve other species in Alliance matters?” 

Kaidan had picked up on her snide remarks about the Citadel population. She seemed to have a lot of opinions about how aliens treated humans. Personally, he understood where the Council was coming from even if he didn’t agree with their blatant inability to see the truth. 

Alenko shrugged. “Anderson trusted Shepard to figure this out. That’s enough for me.”

Shepard walked toward them, the Krogan had disappeared from his perch at the bar. “He’s going to help us deal with Fist,” the Commander said.

“Do we need his help? We can get information from a low-life like Fist without help from a bounty hunter,” Williams said.

Shepard glanced at Alenko who was starting to get tired of Williams’s insubordination. “If you have a problem with my decisions Chief, perhaps this isn’t the right mission for you. No one would judge you if you need to take some time after Eden Prime,” Shepard said.

Williams turned bright red. “No ma’am.”

“Good. We’ll meet up again at 1700 hours at Chora’s Den. Wrex said that Fist does all his business in the back. I have some errands to run.” 

“Chief, a word,” Alenko called out. Williams walked closer to him as the Commander walked away. He lowered his voice, but the words were crisp. “I’m likely to be more patient than she is with your questions, but that will stop if you keep going over my head. Understood?” 

“Yes, sir,” Williams said.

“Dismissed,” he said and turned back toward the Wards. 

He saw something yesterday. Something he didn’t quite believe and he needed to make sure it was real. Kaidan headed to the med clinic where they had taken down Saren’s cronies the day before. A holo screen next to the clinic door displayed the names of the doctors in various medical facilities throughout the Citadel. The clinic in the Wards was small. Only two doctors practiced within it he assumed on a rotating schedule, but there were other hospitals on the station. He found the list of doctors working at a larger facility that was located on the Presidium, Huerta Memorial Hospital. His heart dropped as he looked at the names in front of him.

Rahna Arsalan, M.D. was listed second.  

=======

Shepard’s impromptu spectre ceremony took them all by surprise. One minute they were shooting up Chora’s Den and the next they were marking one of humanity’s greatest accomplishments. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, but the recent events and battles to come left everyone feeling less than exuberant. Joker had urged them to all get together tonight to celebrate so Kaidan had changed from his dress blues into his BDUs and headed toward the Presidium. Shepard had insisted the bar be quiet because of his noise sensitivity and he knew she would never let him live that down. He didn’t mind though because ever since he found that Rahna lived and worked on the Citadel, he had been chasing away a migraine. 

Kaidan arrived at the bar which was much more of a lounge. Jazz played over the speakers and bold chandeliers hung from the ceiling, their iridescent reflections bouncing off the mirrors lining the walls and illuminating the space. Joker, Williams, and Shepard were sitting at a leather booth in the back. He was surprised to see the women with their hair down. Shepard’s red hair spilled down one shoulder in long ringlets that bounced gently as she laughed. 

“Something funny?” He asked as he moved into the seat next to Williams. 

“Shepard was just doing an Udina impression. ‘I’m the human ambassador for god sake, respect me!’” Joker said in his own terrible impression.

“Sorry, I missed that,” he said, truly meaning it. 

“Where you been, LT? Joker ordered your drink,” Williams asked as she pushed a beer in his direction. 

“I lost track of time looking around this place. I feel like you could spend years here and still not scratch the surface.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, but his co-workers didn’t need to hear how he was dealing with the ghosts of his past. He decided to change the subject. “So first human specter, pretty impressive Commander.”

Shepard’s response was to finish the contents of her drink. The glass had been mostly full. He guessed that was the wrong thing to say. “It’s something, that’s for sure,” she said as she signaled the waiter to refill her drink. 

He made nervous eye contact with Joker.

“One giant leap for mankind, right?” She said in a more cheerful tone. 

“I have to say, I’m a little bummed we won’t be able to watch you kick Saren’s ass,” Joker said.

“Wait…you think they’ll reassign you?” Williams asked the Commander.

As a specter, Kaidan assumed Shepard would get a new Council ship and crew for her mission to track Saren. He was disappointed he wouldn’t get the chance to learn more from her, but he knew he could gain just as much from Anderson. Even though she seemed less than pleased about her new role, there was no doubt she was going to make a great specter. 

Shepard gave her a weak smile. “I’m in the dark just as much as you are, Chief. Believe it or not, they don’t make a Specter Instruction Manual . The Normandy is Anderson’s baby though and that’s the ship you’re all assigned to. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.” 

“I bet you’ll get some pretty good artillery,” Kaidan said, trying to find a silver lining she’d appreciate. 

She flashed him a big smile. Her eyes had a mischievous look to them. “I already met with the requisitions officer. There’s some pretty great stuff in there.”

He laughed. He was jealous of that fact. The idea of having access to all the prototypes and newest technology in the galaxy made his head spin. There were fewer things he loved more than tinkering with a new weapon. 

“Well, here’s a toast. To kicking ass. To humanity. To the Alliance,” Williams said proudly.

Everyone raised their glass to an unknown future.

Chapter Text

Shepard couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She pulled Anderson aside and asked for clarification again. 

“It's what makes the most sense, Emilia,” he said when they were farther from the others.

“Are you being forced to step down?” she asked.

“Not exactly, but you needed a ship and not just any ship. The Normandy and this crew will serve you well for this mission.” She knew it was true, but that didn’t make it any easier. “Besides, someone has to keep Udina in line.” He gave her a weak smile.

She glanced at the beautiful ship behind her. She would be lying to herself if she thought commanding a ship like this was anything short of a dream. “What will you do though? Sit behind a desk?” 

He gave her a smug look, but she knew it was a facade. “I’m older than I look, Shepard. It’s about time I considered how the end of my career should look.” She shook her head in disbelief. He placed a hand on her shoulder. “If the information we have is true and Saren can revive the Repears, then stopping him could save the galaxy. If anyone can do it, it’s you, Emilia.”

She blushed. She wasn’t sure when she became the person everyone was counting on. It seemed like just yesterday she was finishing basic. “Thanks, I’ll do my best, sir.”

He nodded at her and she turned to head back to Williams and Alenko standing on the loading dock. The air around them suddenly seemed thick and that unfamiliar tightening in her chest resurfaced, but she pushed it aside. “Alright, marines. Let’s move out,” she said with a smile on her face. 

They saluted her and boarded the ship. She pulled up her omni-tool and sent a message to Tali about where to meet. The quarian that had helped them expose Saren was determined to join her on the mission to stop Saren and the Geth. There was no one else who knew the Geth better and Shepard was grateful to have her. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught the figure of a Krogan walking toward her. She turned to see Garrus and Wrex. “Garrus, Wrex…can I help you with something?” she asked.

They exchanged apprehensive looks. She waited patiently. Garrus spoke first. “We…uh. We’d like to come with you Shepard if you’ll have us?”

Wrex scoffed at the formality in his tone. 

Shepard crossed her arms. “Don’t you have a job already?”

Garrus shifted uncomfortably. “I quit. We can talk more about it later, but your mission is important…it means something and I want to be a part of it. I think I can be useful.”

Shepard considered it. She had seen Garrus in action during their fight in the med clinic, he was an excellent shot. Having a turian would likely be useful in her hunt for one. People would talk though…aliens on an Alliance ship? That thought made the idea even more appealing. “And you?” she asked Wrex. 

“I’m itching for a fight. A good fight. One where I can really get my hands dirty,” he said with a grin. 

She raised her eyebrows. “No offense, but do you think you can follow procedure? This is my ship… which means my rules. No shooting whoever you want whenever you want.” She was of course referring to Wrex killing Fist without question. She knew it was the likely outcome when she brought him along, but it surprised her nonetheless. 

Wrex mumbled something incoherent. 

“What was that?” she asked.

“I can respect your superiority Shepard, but don’t think I’ll walk around calling you ma’am,” he grumbled.

Having a Krogan on the ship was without a doubt controversial. The Krogan, with their huge reptilian bodies and lust for blood, weren’t the most respected race in the galaxy. She had seen firsthand how hot-headed Wrex could get. All that aside, his physical strength was incredibly useful and she was always happy to have a tenacious soldier. 

“We leave at oh-two-hundred,” she said and left to board her new ship.

=======

Shepard sat in the mess with her feet up on the table, data pad in her lap, and gently chewed on her stylus. It was a bad habit. She went through a stylus a month, but she always kept the same data pad. Worn around the edges from the countless amount of times she dropped it with a screen so scuffed that sometimes it affected her ability to read documents properly. She could have gotten a new one, maybe should have at this point, but she just kept replacing parts as time went on. She was fully aware it was weird to have this strong of an attachment to one piece of machinery, but she didn’t care. 

The sound of combat boots on the metal floor startled her and she spun around, almost falling out of her seat to find Lieutenant Alenko messing with the meal dispenser. It was late to be eating. It was late to even be awake at this hour, but the visions from the beacon were not kind to her sleep patterns. She shuddered at the thought. 

He looked exhausted as he absentmindedly scrolled through the interface holding a mug of something warm in his hands. He hadn’t noticed her yet. She watched him rub his eyes, the bridge of his nose, and swipe both of his hands down his face before realizing she should probably make herself known. “Can’t sleep?” She offered.

He dropped his mug, spilling most of its contents on the counter. “Shit!”

She giggled through the hand covering her mouth. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

He leaned against the counter with both hands, hanging his head between his shoulders and chuckling lightly. When he looked up he gave her a warm smile before cleaning the liquid off the counter. “I didn’t expect anyone else to be up.”

“The visions from the beacon are…” She gulped and trailed off remembering snippets of a war she had never lived through. Even though she now knew that it was a vision of the Repears, a powerful sentient race of machines, wiping out the Protheans, a great civilization that disappeared from existence 50,000 years ago; she still couldn’t fully understand it. When she saw the visions she felt something that was all too familiar to her - the agony of losing everything you love. She realized she was staring holes into the table and glanced up to find Alenko sitting across from her looking puzzled. She took a deep breath. “Sorry. What was I saying?”

“I think you were about to tell me that you couldn’t sleep either,” he said, spearing a fork through a slice of coffee cake and placing it into his mouth. She was instantly hungry. He must have noticed because he pushed the plate and fork toward her. He grinned at her.  “I don’t have cooties, I promise.”

She hesitated for a second. The whole situation was a little more personal than she typically got with her crew, but she struggled to find a logical reason against it and took a bite. “Do you have the same problem where just looking at food makes you hungry?” She asked as she passed the plate back over to him. 

He thought about it for a second. “I guess so, I’ve never really considered it, but probably. It’s a safe bet that I’m always ready to eat something.”

She laughed at that. “I haven’t met many other biotics…well not including the Asari that trained me.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You were trained by Asari?” 

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of her past, she just preferred to avoid talking about it. She felt like she had already said too much and she wasn’t sure why. “It’s a long story,” she said, averting her gaze. 

He must have taken the hint because he didn’t pry and she was grateful. “So what have you been up to?” He asked, looking at her data pad. He pushed the coffee cake back over to her.

She smiled, eagerly took another bite, and passed it back. “Trying to figure out what we know, but everything we don’t know keeps distracting me.” A mini galaxy map emitted from her data pad. She focused on the Artemis Tau cluster. Before leaving the Citadel, Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina had given them the tip that Matriarch Benezia, Saren’s accomplice and a well-respected Asari, had a daughter studying prothean ruins somewhere in this cluster. Funny thing was, searching an entire cluster could take months and that was time they didn’t have. She was starting to wonder if it was worth their effort at all. 

“I figured out that she works for a university on Thessia, but even they don’t know where she is. I guess she’s given free rein to travel around the galaxy and do research wherever she pleases,” she said.

“Sounds nice,” he said, eating the last bite of food. “Do you want more?”

She looked at the empty plate. She did want more, but she shook her head no. “We’re gonna look at one more system and then we have to move on,” she said looking at the map. 

“Any other leads?” He asked as he moved the map around with his finger. 

She put her head in her hands. “No,” she groaned. Her mind swam with possibilities. It felt like there were little hints of where Saren could be all over the place, but nothing she could grasp onto. She lifted her head and looked at him. “You pick,” she stated. 

“I - I don’t know, Commander…I have no idea.”. 

She threw up her hands. “Me either, your guess is as good as mine…maybe even better since my guesses haven’t led us to anything except ore deposits.”

He considered it. “Alright then… Knossos.” He zoomed in on the system.

“Did you pick that because it starts with a ‘K’...for Kaidan?” She snickered. 

“Purely coincidence. I’ll have you know that my reasoning for picking that system is complicated and I’m not sure you could keep up.”

She gasped with sarcasm. “Are you saying that you’re smarter than me, Lieutenant Alenko?”

He tried hard not to smile. “You said it, not me.”

She threw her stylus at him but he stopped it in mid-air. The blue energy field surrounding it buzzed lightly as he placed it down gently in front of her. “I think you dropped something,” he said, enjoying the look of shock on her face. 

She crinkled her nose at him. “Cool trick, did you learn that on Jump Zero?”

The humor faded slightly in his eyes. “Learn what? How to be a biotic?”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine movement like that. I could never lift something so effortlessly and manipulate it without shattering it into a million pieces.”

He seemed surprised. “Really? Well…then yeah I guess I did learn that on Jump Zero. Except for no one called it that.”

She urged him on silently. 

“Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training…to us it was just called Brain Camp.” 

She sat back in her chair. “I would have loved getting to train with other kids my age.”

His face changed entirely. “It wasn’t summer camp, Shepard. They took us from our parents. We had no outside contact and then they forced us to train…to get implants…we were just little kids.”

Guilt rippled through her. She hadn’t thought about it that way - not really. Sure there were rumors about Jump Zero and their failed biotic school…it was one of the reasons she didn’t go there after her family died. The school had all but shut down and in her desire to move past that part in her life she had never questioned it. The look on his face was pained. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t - I didn’t know…,” she stammered. 

His face softened. “No, I’m sorry. You couldn’t have known.” An awkward silence settled between them. 

“My parents are dead,” she said, lowering her head to catch his gaze and smiling apologetically. “If it makes you feel any better?” 

He looked at her like eels had just crawled out of her eyes and then burst out laughing. She joined him until he caught his breath, “I’m sorry, that isn’t funny at all.”

“No, it’s not,” she said in between giggles. “But I guess that’s our thing now…you share something morbid and I’ll be here to top it.”

His eyebrows arched. “You think you can beat me at who had the more tragic childhood?”

“Oh, without a doubt,” she said, enunciating each word carefully. 

He stood up and cleared his plate. “Alright, it’s on Shepard.”

Chapter Text

Liara T’Soni hid behind a metal crate, only peering out when the sound of gunfire had stopped. The fact that the geth hadn’t started dragging her away made her hopeful that the human had thwarted them off. 

“Disgusting,” the krogan said as he kicked the other, now dead krogan, who had threatened to take her. 

The human, Commander Shepard, walked over. “You okay?” The ceiling groaned as rocks fell and the walls began breaking down. 

“Shepard, we need to move, now!” the other human yelled. 

Shepard grabbed Liara’s arm and pulled her along as they sprinted through the crumbling tunnels. The earth shook beneath them as they struggled through thick clouds of dust toward the exit. Being outside was a brief relief before the volcanic ground threatened to erupt below them. 

An Alliance ship touched down and they all hurried into the cargo bay. The sound of exploding rock jostled the ship as it ascended for its break through Therum’s atmosphere. 

“Woo!” a voice over the loudspeaker shouted.

“How did you manage to get the Mako, Joker?” the male human asked no one in particular. 

“What do you think this is, Alenko? Amateur hour?” the loudspeaker said. 

Shepard had removed her armor when she approached Liara. Her hair was brilliantly red and secured to the top of her head though it also fell in messy wisps around her face. Her eyes were a shocking light blue that looked pale against her light skin. She was taller than Liara and lean; ridges of muscle played lightly over her skin unwilling to overpower her feminine frame. 

“Are you injured?” she asked.

“Not in the slightest,” Liara said.

Shepard smiled at her, warm and inviting. “Good. We’ll all meet in the conference room for a debrief. Lieutenant Alenko can show you where that is. I’ll meet you all there,” Shepard said, informally introducing her to the male human in the room.

Liara smiled at him. They had both fought bravely and with an impressive biotic display. 

“Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and you’re Doctor Liara T’soni,” he said extending his hand out. 

She had read that shaking hands was a common human custom. She lent him her hand as well. “Please, call me Liara.”

He gave her a boyish smile. “Feel free to just call me Kaidan.”

The cargo space was moderately sized; half of it was taken up by the vehicle referred to as the Mako. Lockers and a workbench lined one wall where a few cots had been placed. 

She followed him toward the elevator at the end of the room. “Thank you, Kaidan. I’m not sure what I would have done had you all not been there to save me.”

“You must be hungry,” he said as they waited for the elevator to pull them to their final destination. 

“I am rather famished,” she noted. 

She was acutely nervous about human customs on eating. She scoured her brain for anything she could remember regarding their choices in food. If she recalled correctly they loved animal meat and animal by-products like fat. She suddenly wasn’t hungry anymore. The pair walked into the conference room - a circle of chairs surrounding open space and a large holo screen on one wall. 

“Feel free to take any seat,” he said as she sat down. He then proceeded to move to the other side of the room. She hoped that she hadn’t offended him. Looking around the room she caught the attention of another human female. Liara smiled at her, but there was no warmth in her returned gaze. 

“Hey Commander, the Normandy isn’t equipped to land in exploding volcanoes. They tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull, just for future reference,” the loudspeaker said. Liara guessed it was their pilot. 

“We barely escape with our lives and your pilot is making jokes?” she asked in surprise. No one seemed to be laughing so she couldn’t understand the humor behind it. 

Shepard stood in front of them with her arms folded and shrugged. “It’s a coping mechanism, you’ll get used to it.” 

Everyone in the room, even the turian, and the krogan stared at her like joking was a completely normal response to a near-death experience. She felt a tinge of embarrassment. “I see. I must admit, Commander, I am not too familiar with human customs,” Liara said.

“Yeah, no kidding,” the other female human muttered. Shepard shot her a look of disapproval. 

Liara continued, “I am extremely grateful to you all for saving me. Who knows how long I would have been stranded there had you not come along or worse - what the geth would have done to me.” A chill spread down her spine. 

“How long were you there?” The krogan asked. 

“Not long. Maybe forty-eight hours,” Liara said.

Kaidan nearly fell out of his seat. “Forty-eight hours? You were suspended in a gravity field for forty-eight hours?”

“I suppose that does seem like a long time when I say it out loud,” Liara said. Everything happened so quickly, she hadn’t taken stock of how her physical form was doing. 

“What did Saren want with you?” The turian asked. 

It startled her. She had seen him there, but he hadn’t spoken a word since they sat down. “I’m not sure,” she answered. 

“Do you know anything about the conduit?” Shepard asked. 

“Only that it was somehow linked to the prothean extinction.” Suddenly the lightness in her head faded, there was nothing more she enjoyed than discussing the rich history of the protheans. “That is my true area of expertise. I have spent the past fifty years studying the enigma that is the extinction of the protheans.”

The female human’s mouth dropped. “Fifty years? Just how old are you?”

Liara blushed. She had hoped to avoid this question but knew it would come up eventually. “I hate to admit it, but I am only one hundred and six.” She braced herself for the dismissive comments regarding her research. 

“Damn! I hope I look as good as you when I’m that old,” the female human said. 

It wasn’t the reaction she was used to and it left her speechless for a few moments. The Commander must have mistaken her response as an offense toward the other female’s comment because she gave her another harsh look. So often she forgot how short-lived the human species was. 

“A century may seem like a long-time to a short-lived species such as yourselves, but asari often live until they’re over one thousand years old. I am still considered barely more than a child amongst my elders. It’s for this reason that my research has not gotten the attention it deserves,” Liara explained. 

The commander raised her eyebrows in interest. “Has your research turned up anything interesting?” 

Liara was back into her comfort zone. “What is interesting is what I haven’t found. There is almost no archaeological trace of prothean existence as if someone didn’t want us to learn anything about them. The only proof they were ever here are the mass relays and the Citadel. These are significant scientific advancements, it is strange that there wouldn’t be more to find.”

Liara paused, this is the part where skepticism would normally appear, but she continued. “I have spent fifty years searching for every piece of evidence I could possibly find about them. They are not the first civilization to vanish and I believe they - we are part of a cycle of extinction.”

“How did you come up with this theory? I thought there wasn’t any evidence?” Kaidan asked.

“It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t unearthed everything from the beginning. I can’t point to one specific thing. It’s more of a feeling than anything else, but every time a civilization spans the galaxy and is well developed in its technological advances it’s like they’re erased from history. I’m going to find out why.” Liara looked around the room with determination. The faces of everyone in the room were the typical faces of disbelief. Except for the Commander. 

Shepard looked troubled in thought. “I think I can help you there.”

Liara was intrigued. She waited for her to say more, but Shepard just stared at the floor furrowing her brows. Her companions exchanged looks of confusion, except Kaidan who didn’t break from the look of concern he was giving her. 

“Shepard,” he said in almost a whisper. 

She snapped out of it. “The Reapers. The Repears wiped them out,” she said and went back to examining the rivets on the floor.

Liara was astounded. “The Reapers? I’ve…I’ve heard of them, but…how do you know that?” Liara asked.

“The Reapers are an ancient sentient race of machines that wiped them out. Shepard knows because she saw a vision from a prothean beacon on Eden Prime. The geth are following Saren because they think he can bring the Reapers back…and your mother is helping somehow,” said the quarian. 

Shepard seemed to have recovered from whatever episode she was going through. She leaned against the wall for support and Liara could see the exhaustion in her eyes. 

“A beacon! Of course! The protheans left messages to be communicated directly into the mind of the user, but -” Liara trailed off. 

That would mean…Liara gasped. “Commander, to be able to receive that information must have been an incredible strain for you, almost physiologically impossible. You must be extremely strong-willed.” Suddenly the exhaustion in Shepard’s eyes made sense. 

Shepard looked apathetic. 

Liara was amazed. She had spent decades searching for scraps of information, yet in this room, she had unearthed so much in mere minutes. “No wonder the geth attacked Eden Prime! An intact beacon could hold so much valuable information.”

“Can we get back to the main problem here - finding Saren?” the female human asked. 

“I’m sorry, there is just so much to learn. Shepard, you have just scratched the surface of something I’ve been trying to uncover for half a century. Regardless, I don’t know why Saren would be after me…as you can see I am not much help.” Liara made the realization as the words came out of her mouth and frowned.

Shepard gave her an easy smile. “I still think you can be useful. You know more about the Protheans than anyone else here and the Normandy is the safest place for you right now - that is if you want to stay here?”

Liara couldn’t think of anything she wanted more, though she thought the others might have something to say about this. “I would be more than happy to help in any way that I can!” She glanced around the room, “I can assure all of you that I may be Benezia’s daughter, but I am nothing like her.”

“Don’t worry Liara, we believe you,” Shepard said.

Suddenly the room spun. Her adrenaline was wearing off and the enormity of the last 72 hours was starting to take its toll. It must have been apparent in her face.

“You should see Doctor Chawkwas. You need to eat and sleep,” Kaidan said. 

Sleep sounded good. “Yes, I think I will do that.”

“The Lieutenant can show you where the med bay is,” Shepard instructed. “The rest of you dismissed.”

Liara headed out the door following Kaidan.

“Hey Commander, the Council is calling, you want me to patch them in?” the Pilot announced.

“Yup, let’s get this over with,” Shepard said as the doors closed behind Liara. 

========

Liara sat on the cold table in the med bay. The lighting in here was dimmer than she would expect in a medical facility, but Doctor Chawkwas had surprised her with her extensive knowledge of asari anatomy. 

The Doctor walked over with a data pad in her hand. “Your serum eezo levels are high, not surprising with 48 hours of nutrient deprivation, and your venura levels are mildly elevated, again not surprising. I’d say without your unique physiology you’d be in much worse shape.”

“No permanent damage then?” Liara asked. 

Doctor Chawkwas shook her head and smiled. “You know humans don’t have a venura.”

Liara raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

“The closest comparison I can make is the adrenal gland, another neuroendocrine organ, but obviously with many differences. First and foremost being that our nerves don’t contain eezo as yours do,” Chawkwas said as she typed notes into the data pad.

“Even biotic humans?” Liara asked with genuine interest. 

“Mmm. Biotic humans have nervous systems that are enhanced with element zero, but asari nervous systems are embedded with element zero. Your nerves down to the molecular level contain eezo. That’s why even biotic humans can’t regenerate in the same capacity as asari.”

She held up a syringe. “This little boost of serum eezo will help make you feel better, but you don’t need it. Eventually, with nutrition, your body will replenish its reserves. Kaidan and Emilia however need their serum eezo replenished every couple of months. Of course, they would still be biotic without it, but not nearly as powerful.”

“Did someone say my name?” Kaidan asked as he walked through the doors.

Chawkwas gave him a motherly grin. “I was just explaining to doctor T’soni-”

“Liara, please,” Liara added.

Doctor Chawkwas smiled at her. “I was just telling Liara about the tune-up you need every few months.” She shook the syringe playfully at him. 

Kaidan placed a tray of food next to Liara. “I didn’t know what you like to eat so I got you a few things, unfortunately, none of it is great.” He gave her a weak smile.

The food on the plate was a variety of colors and textures, most of which looked unappetizing. She could guess there were the basic carbohydrates and protein - maybe he snuck a little sugar in as well. 

“Oh, thank you, Kaidan. You really didn’t need to do that,” Liara said.

Kaidan shrugged. “Happy to help. Anyway, get some rest.” He walked out of the med bay. 

Liara saw a light in Chawkwas eyes as she watched him leave. “Do you know him well?” she asked.

“Unfortunately for him we have gotten to know each other fairly well these last few weeks, he’s a genuinely good person,” Chawkwas said. 

“Who is Emilia?” Liara asked.

“What?” Chawkwas asked, confused.

“You said, Kaidan and Emilia need their eezo reserves replenished…”

Realization dawned in Doctor Chawkwas's eyes. “Emilia Shepard, the Commander.”

“Oh,” Liara said. “That’s a beautiful name.”

“Why thank you,” Shepard said as she waltzed into the room. She seemed in much better spirits than when they were in the conference room. “How’s she doing doc?”

Liara winced as Doctor Chawkwas inserted the needle into her vein. “She’s all done. After a good night's rest, she should be back to normal.”

“Thank you very much, doctor,” Liara said. 

“I can see you got something to eat,” Shepard said, eyeing the tray of food next to her. 

“Yes, Kaidan…uh the Lieutenant, was kind enough to bring me a variety of options,” Liara said.

Shepard looked like she was fighting a smile. “He is…thoughtful.”

“I’m not sure the others are too fond of me,” Liara admitted. 

Shepard gave her a look of concern. “Some people just don’t like change, don’t take it personally.” I know you need rest, but when you’re ready I’d love to talk. I’d like to learn more about you and maybe try to understand how you could help us.”

Of course, she had noticed before how beautiful the Commander was, but it wasn’t until this moment that she was able to examine her features close enough. The gentle curve of her smile and the slight creases around her eyes from what Liara could only imagine was a lack of sleep. She wondered if the visions from the beacon were keeping her up at night. 

“I would like that as well. We have much to discuss regarding your visions as well,” Liara said.

Shepard’s face changed to something darker. She didn’t speak.

“Or not…whatever is most helpful to you, Commander,” she quickly added, but it was too late, Shepard’s mind was elsewhere. 

“I’ll come back,” she said in a dead tone and left the room. 

Alone in the medbay, Liara let out a big sigh. She was exhausted and learning the convoluted social cues of humans was going to be more taxing than she imagined. 

Chapter Text

The rumble of Wrex’s voice could be heard anywhere on the ship. The Normandy wasn’t very large and like every other ship, the walls were thin. It was one of many things Kaidan had been trying to become accustomed to. Being on the Normandy was starting to feel like a small town - secrets were flammable and before you knew it, everyone knew everything about you. 

He moved from the CSC to the mess, the sounds of an argument becoming louder and louder. He was under no disillusions that he had any weight over Wrex’s actions, but it was in his nature to diffuse a situation and the Commander had enough on her plate. She didn’t need to worry about the quarrels of a few rowdy marines…and a very large krogan. 

“You better watch what you say, both of your superior officers are biotic,” Wrex said through the wall.

Kaidan tensed. What could this possibly be about and was Wrex defending him? He rounded the corner of the mess and saw Corporal Emerson six inches from Wrex’s face. The man looked like a child compared to the krogan and Kaidan was fairly confident that Emerson was the largest marine on this ship. 

Wrex was unperturbed and let out a laugh as Kaidan entered the room. “Why don’t you say it to his face,” he said gesturing at the lieutenant. 

Emerson glared at Wrex and then caught sight of Kaidan. His posture straightened.

How dumb do you have to be to start a fight with a krogan, Kaidan thought.

“Something I need to worry about here?” he asked.

Wrex chuckled again. “Probably.”

Emerson balled his hands into fists. “Mind your own business you overgrown -” 

“Corporal Emerson! What in the world-” his words were swallowed by the news broadcasted on the large screen above the dining area. 

“Biotic terrorists have captured Chairman Burns of the Systems Alliance Parliamentary Subcommittee for Transhuman studies and are holding him hostage on a ship in the Farinata System. How they managed to kidnap him is still under investigation. The Systems Alliance has no comment on the situation or what these extremists want. Some have speculated that the issue stems from a long-standing problem regarding L2 implants and -”

“You okay LT?” Williams asked.

Kaidan broke his penetrating stare at the screen and looked around to see everyone in the mess staring at him. Beads of sweat formed at the base of his neck. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down as the news reporter droned on in the background. Getting angry in front of everyone wasn’t going to help the situation, he needed to keep a cool head about this. 

He focused his attention on Emerson. “Do you have something you’d like to say, Corporal?” He knew he was goading him. Knew that this wouldn’t lead anywhere good if Emerson was half the idiot he appeared to be. 

Emerson allowed himself one more glare at the Krogan before looking past Alenko. “No, sir.” 

“Good. Turn that off,” he said and then stormed to the cargo bay. 

He needed to cool off before he did something stupid. He didn’t know what Emerson said before his arrival, but he could guess. Just because your superior officer is a biotic doesn’t mean you don’t have the same view that most of the Alliance has - biotics are volatile and untrustworthy. 

As he rode the elevator down, his boiling rage began to simmer. He hated the prejudice, but it was events like this that made matters even worse. Of course the media wanted to capitalize on these stories; no one ever talked about all the good biotics were doing - keeping the galaxy safe and all that. 

Luckily no one was in the cargo bay when he got down there. He walked over to an area the marines had established as a make-shift gym. Someone had even managed to find a punching bag on the Citadel. He braced his palms and the weight of his body against it, clenching the faux leather in his grip until his knuckles turned white. His corona flared brilliantly blue around him. 

“Please don’t break that.” He turned to see Shepard leaning against the lockers, arms crossed. “If you do, I may have to resort to punching the bulkhead next time I get angry and Anderson would be really mad if I hurt his precious ship.”

He wasn’t in the mood to be the Alliance’s golden boy, as Joker had called him. A devilish smile left her eyes gleaming. For the first time, he noticed the light black outline of a tattoo on her inner left forearm. 

So much for saving her the trouble of getting involved. 

“Joker told me I could find you down here,” she said when he didn’t respond. “You okay?”

He wasn’t. There were so many thoughts running through his head that he couldn’t grab on to just one. The image of everyone in the mess staring at him like he was going to implode was front and center in his mind. That’s how every person in the world looked at him when they found out he was a biotic. 

And after ten years of dedicating his life to helping other people, restraining his anger entirely, controlling his every move so as not to make anyone else uncomfortable - they still looked at him like he had just thrown a car through a building. 

Like he had just murdered someone in front of their eyes. 

“I’m fine,” he said, more aggressively than he meant to. 

Shepard nodded, clearly not believing him. Why should she? He wasn’t exactly the picture of mental stability right now. “You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do?”

Anything she could do? No. There was nothing anyone could do. Shepard never seemed bothered by being a biotic. She saw it as an advantage, something he still couldn’t wrap his head around, but if anyone could see where he was coming from - it was her.

He gave her a look of determination, “There is.”

She cocked one eyebrow. “Oh?”

“We have to stop them - somehow - get the Chairman out of there. They’re just confused.”

She stared at him in confusion and for a second he wasn’t sure she had heard the news until she said, “You’re serious?”

A new sense of purpose flooded through him. “We could get there in what - three days? Maybe four?”

“Alenko, I’d love to help, but that is completely Alliance jurisdiction. If they wanted our help they would have asked.”

Kaidan blinked once. “You’re an Alliance soldier - this is an Alliance ship,” he said, gesturing around him. He knew it was crazy. Maybe they didn’t have time for something like this, but he had to try. 

“Yeah, but in case you forgot, I’m also a spectre on a mission to hunt down a guy who is trying to destroy the galaxy.” She pushed off the lockers and walked closer to him. 

“Even better,” he said. Her proximity and harsh stare were making him falter, but he wasn’t going to let it go. She was close to him now, sizing him up. If he wanted to make this happen he was going to have to be bold. “Don’t you care?” 

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Of course, I care, Alenko. But I also care about stopping Saren and about finding the conduit.”

“Yeah? How’s that going?” He knew she didn’t have any leads. Ever since finding Doctor T’soni they had been floating around trying to figure out where to go next. Kaidan also knew it was driving her insane, it would drive anyone insane.

Something flashed in her eyes - a little bit of anger, that unhinged venom he had only ever seen on the battlefield - but she spoke through gritted teeth. “You’re out of line, Lieutenant.” 

“I signed up to make a difference, Shepard. I wanted to be the example that not all biotics were lunatics. These are my people…our people. They’re asking for help.” He let out a sigh. She was an unwavering force and ultimately the final say, he knew that. 

“How cute, you’re a romantic. Did you sign up for the dream, Alenko?” she cooed. 

He laughed humorlessly and pushed past her, this was over. “Yeah okay, maybe I was - at first.” He turned around to face her. “Who didn’t read those books as a kid? Where the hero goes off to space for justice? But after everything I’ve been through…I stopped dreaming. Helping people isn’t a dream, Commander. You do it every day. I’m just asking you to consider this.”

She rubbed her temples. “We just don’t have time to save everyone. You can’t always save everyone.”

“Why not?”

She looked at him with desperation. “I’m sorry.”

His anger was building again. No not anger, hopelessness. Disappointment. “Permission to be dismissed?” 

She looked at him as if him ending the conversation was the most annoying thing he could have said. “Sure.”

Kaidan walked out and the farther he got from her, the more deflated he became. He ran through the conversation in his head and anxiety rolled through him. He had never been so insubordinate before in his career. But something about her pushed him, unleashed him.

Well, he could add that stunning conversation to his list of failures on this mission. Maybe she would do them all a favor and drop him off at the next Alliance base. 

Laughter echoed from the mess - all was well. The thought of heading back in there to the onslaught of stares made his stomach flip. He wasn’t sure where else to go until he found himself in the medbay standing outside Doctor T’soni’s door. 

The door opened, catching him by surprise. “Oh.”

“Lieutenant! You startled me,” she said, taking a step back. 

“Sorry. I just - I was looking for somewhere quiet,” he admitted. 

She smiled. “Well, you’re more than welcome to hang out here. I was just about to take a break from this infuriating situation I have found myself in.”

Go on, his eyes told her.

“Since we were in such a hurry to leave Therum, I wasn’t able to grab any of my equipment. Luckily, my research is backed up to my omni tool, but…” She gave him a pained look.

Kaidan had never even thought about all of the equipment, all the time she must have lost

“Well, anyway, Doctor Chawkwas has kindly offered to let me use her medical scanner in the meantime, but I just can’t get it figured out. Naturally, it is set to identify a living object rather than an inanimate one.” She sighed. 

“It’s probably just a change in its live frequency code, but you probably already tried that,” he offered.  She looked at him puzzled. “I could try to figure it out if you want?” He peered around her in the room. 

She moved aside. “I don’t want to trouble you, Lieutenant. You probably have much more important things to worry about.” 

A technological task was something he could complete easily. No need to worry about getting permission or any opinions. He gave her a big smile. “Really, this is exactly the distraction I need.”

She looked elated. “Oh! Well, in that case, please come in!”

An hour later the scanner was working how she needed it and he had figured out a way to program it for a dual purpose so that if Doctor Chawkas ever needed it back there would be no fine-tuning needed. As she tested it out he felt a deep sense of pride. 

She looked like a child with a new toy on Christmas. “It’s perfect! Thank you, Kaidan.”

“Any time, seriously.”

She gave him a look of inquiry. “Can I ask you - why did you come in here in the first place?”

He blushed. “I got into an argument with the Commander.” All his steam gone, he felt embarrassed now. “I should apologize to her. I don’t envy the position she’s in or the decisions she has to make.”

Liara’s face was unreadable. “Nor do I. I can’t speculate on what the argument was about, but the Commander seems like a very forgiving person. She also seems like the kind who appreciates the input of those around her, especially the ones she trusts.”

He remembered that flash of anger in her eyes, the smile she had when she shot that assassin in the head. He wasn’t sure forgiving was the word he would use to describe her. 

“I imagine the position she is in is an overwhelming one. I read her biography - the things she’s been through and seen. I can’t imagine. And now to have this thrust upon her. She is a remarkable woman. She must care a great deal for your government and the people she protects,” she mused.

Guilt festered in his chest. He couldn’t believe he accused her of not caring. He remembered how unhappy she was after her specter ceremony and those comments about duty and honor. He wondered if she was doing this for the benefit of everyone except herself. Did she just feel like a cog in the machine that was the Systems Alliance? 

He was suddenly angry again. Not with her or himself but with Alliance Command for forcing something like this on her. Had they even asked if it was what she wanted? Would she ever have said no if they had? 

“I have to go,” he said suddenly.

Liara nodded as if she had heard his inner monologue. 

He looked at the time - it was 2400. His apology would have to wait until morning. 

Chapter Text

Shepard paced tirelessly on the flight deck, the metal grating making a soft thud under her boots. 

“Careful, you might burn a hole through the floor,” Joker said, yawning between words.

She paused. “How long would it take us to get to the Farinata system?”

“In the Hades Gamma cluster? Three and a half, maybe four days.” She growled and continued to pace. “Hey Commander, you’ll give me a warning before you start breathing fire right?”

Shepard threw him a lethal smile. “Maybe.” She plopped down in the chair next to him and slouched into the cushions. “No word on any other leads?” 

Joker turned to her. “Is that my job?”

She glared at him. “It’s everyone's job.”

“Well in that case, no.” He gave her an award-winning smile. 

She rolled her eyes. “Great,” she sighed. “Let’s go to the Farinata system. I believe we're looking for the MSV Ontario.”

“Is this about that biotic thing?” he asked.

“I guess.” She wasn’t in the mood to talk about it.

“Alenko got to you, huh?” 

She glared at him again. “Did you listen to our entire conversation?”

“Look it’s not my fault I have access to all of the security footage.” He gave her a sad face. “I get bored up here,” he whined.

“I don’t even want to begin to talk to you about how unprofessional that is. Just - stop, please Joker.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I have enough to deal with.”

“Fine, fine. You don’t have to worry about me, Commander. I know how much you care,” he said smiling. She gave him a look that could freeze the Sahara. Joker just laughed. “He really laid into you. You gonna write him up?” 

Shepard stared blankly at the dashboard of ship controls in front of her. She knew very little about being a helmsman, though in a pinch she could probably fly this ship - it wouldn’t be the first time. 

“I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong,” she said, crossing her arms.

Joker snorted. “Let me know how he takes your apology.”

Shepard stood up and lightly smacked him on the head. “Let me know when we’re twelve hours out.”

“Hey, watch it, you could break my neck!” He shouted as she walked out of the cockpit. 

Shepard wandered down to the cargo bay on the off chance she’d catch Alenko so that she could apologize to him. Well maybe not apologize - he was out of line, but he made a good point, what else were they doing? Being a hostage negotiator was not really on her repertoire of skills, but these days were apparently all about branching out. 

She grumbled in frustration at the thought of how much this mission was starting to be a wash. So much for the best soldier in the Alliance. 

A peek into the mess hall revealed an empty table, the only noise was the slight buzzing of the meal processor. She headed down to the cargo bay, but he was nowhere to be seen. It was late, he was probably sleeping. If she was smart she’d get some sleep too, but the thought of tossing around restlessly for another night in a row added to her irritation. She caught sight of Garrus messing around with his sniper rifle on a bench by the Mako and walked over to him.

He lifted his head as she approached him. “Shepard, can’t sleep?”

“Something like that. What’s your excuse?”

He went back to meticulously cleaning his weapon. “Turians only need about five hours of sleep. I do well on three most of the time.”

She leaned against the support column next to him. “Huh, I didn’t know that.”

He grinned at her…or she assumed it was that kind of an expression. It was still challenging for her to read the slight difference in flairs of his mandible. “Makes for an efficient soldier,” he noted.

She chewed on her lip, sifting through memories of the last few weeks. Hoping for anything to pop out that would give her a clue as to what to do next. She always had a plan, but out here the lack of sleep and information was starting to gnaw at her. 

“Something you need, Shepard?” Garrus asked after a few moments of her staring at the floorboards. 

She snapped out of her daze. “Why did you leave C-sec?” 

He laughed softly and put his rifle away. “How much time do you have?”

She sat down next to him, leaning her head back against the cool metal surface of the Mako. “I’ll let you know if I have somewhere else to be.”

He took in a deep breath. “You ever feel like even though your job is to protect people, even though you’ve chosen a career where you can do some good, you’re never making a difference at all?”

“That pretty much hits the nail on the head for me right now,” she said.

“Well, with C-sec, it’s like that all the time. There’s so much bureaucracy and red tape to get through that I spent more time doing paperwork than actually making any change.”

She considered what he said. “The thing about our jobs is that sometimes the change isn’t immediate. And sometimes you never get to see the difference you make because every action is a small piece to a bigger solution.”

“That’s awfully optimistic,” he said. 

She shrugged. “It’s all about long-term gratification. I mean, you didn’t get into this job for the thanks did you?” 

“Definitely not, but there have been times in my career where the rules and regulations have stopped me from doing my job properly.”

“Well, the rules are there for a reason,” she said.

He let out a short laugh. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

She did. As much as she despised bureaucracy, she didn’t envy people like Udina who had to make big decisions on behalf of the whole of humanity. She was finally getting a taste of what it was like to be completely depended upon and it was already starting to wear on her. What she wouldn’t give for a specter rulebook or a guide on how to hunt down your enemy. Like Garrus she joined the Alliance to help people, but she also joined out of necessity. After her family died she only knew how to do one thing - fight. Rules kept that anger in check, rules kept her level-headed. 

She fidgeted with her hands. “Why because I became a specter? Believe it or not, that wasn’t my choice - not entirely.”

“I just needed a change,” he said. “I needed to leave the Citadel and see the galaxy beyond those walls, beyond Paladin. I needed to see if I could make a difference without worrying about the rules.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I have plenty of rules, Garrus. I’d hate for you to get all this way and regret your decision. I mean we’re not just going on a killing spree because we can.”

As irrational as it may seem to some, this was an actual fear of hers. As a specter, she really could do whatever she wanted. No one was going to blink twice if she killed someone as long as she had a good excuse. After years of controlling her temper and channeling her anger into being the perfect soldier she still had days when she didn’t fully trust the power she wielded. Without the Alliance breathing down her neck or a commanding officer scolding her for mouthing off, how could she know she’d stay good?

“That’s not what I meant, Shepard. Of course - that’s not what I meant,” he stammered. 

“Good.” She cleared her throat. “I better get some sleep, I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow - we’ve got a new destination.”

========

She walked into the conference room to find everyone waiting - Chief Williams, Lieutenant Alenko, Tali, Wrex, Garrus, Pressley, and Liara. 

She addressed the room. “Thanks for meeting with me this early. Lieutenant Alenko and I were discussing some things yesterday and I’ve decided that we’re going to attempt to deal with the hostage situation regarding Chairman Burns.”

She held back a smile when she saw Alenko’s shocked face. Once she had thought about it, the decision was easy and Alliance Command was all too willing to have them intervene. 

“The MSV Ontario is a small ship, which means only a few of us should board her. I want a second squad ready in case we need backup. Wrex, Alenko, and I will go in with the first team. Williams, Garrus, and Tali will go in with the second.”

“Shepard, I would like to come if that is possible,” Liara said.

Shepard gave her a look of confusion. As far as she was concerned Liara had no combat training. “Liara, I think that might be too dangerous.”

“I can hold my own, Shepard and I think I could be an asset on this specific mission,” she argued. Her tone was careful and delicate, but she meant every word.

“Commander, she can’t - she’ll be a liability!” Williams argued. 

“I’m a better biotic than anyone else in this room, Chief,” Liara spat back.

Shepard raised her hand to stop Williams’s counter. More biotics would be a benefit in this battle. She didn’t have a lot of experience fighting other human biotics, but while she trained with the asari there was no better sparring partner than someone who could outmatch her biotic strength. 

“Hopefully, no one will even need a weapon in this. We may be able to get everyone out alive in one piece,” the Lieutenant said. 

While Shepard didn’t share his optimism, he had a point. This might be the perfect place to feel out Liara’s strength and skill on the battlefield. “Alenko’s right. Alright, Liara you can be in the first squad with us. Williams, you’ll sit this one out,” Shepard said.

Williams was furious. “Are you serious?”

Shepard spun around to face her. “Are you?” she challenged. 

Shepard watched the wheels in her mind turning, weighing the pros and cons of continuing this fight. “No ma’am,” she huffed. 

Shepard looked around the room. “We’ll be in the Farinata system in less than 72 hours.” She gave Williams a cocky smile. “Williams, you can help Liara find armor and a weapon. Any additional training she needs I’m sure you’d be happy to provide, isn’t that correct?”

Williams glared back at her. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Fantastic. Dismissed.” She might have felt bad subjecting Liara to that kind of training, but Williams really was a good soldier. She had seen her working with a fellow marine the other day. Her potential was exponential if she could only get that chip off her shoulder. 

“Lieutenant, a word?” she asked Alenko as he walked through the door. 

He turned back to her and she waited until everyone left to speak. She wanted to bring up their argument from the previous night, but pride blocked the words from coming out of her mouth. 

“Whether he deserves it or not, this mission is about getting Chairman Burns out alive. That means that if something goes wrong we will be forced to kill these people.” She tried to read his expression. “Are you going to be able to handle that?”

He looked angry. “With all due respect Commander, I know how to do my job.”

She didn’t mean to offend him, but she had to know he wouldn’t make this more personal than it already was. The idea of keeping him on the Normandy seriously crossed her mind, but the Commander knew he was the best chance at making this a peaceful encounter.

She tried to make her voice more empathetic. “I know how personal this is to you, but I need to know you’ll be focused.”

His face was blank. “You don’t have to worry about me, ma’am.”

She nodded. “Okay. Dismissed.”

In the confines of her room, she pulled out her data pad and turned the music on, a relaxing melody with undertones of sadness. She had less than three days to see both sides of this problem and create a solution. With nearly the highest level of intel access, she pulled up the dossier of Chairman Burns as well as several articles written about him. 

Burns was born on Earth and had a net worth of 12 million credits. He rose through the political ranks like a typical politician would, graduating from a prestigious college and spending his summers interning at all the right places. Shepard had rolled her eyes so many times reading his biography that her head was beginning to hurt. 

Then, she found something that reigned in all of her attention. Two years before his election on the subcommittee his son, age seven, was killed in a car accident. The accident was a highway incident involving a man - presumably an L2 biotic, though it was not specifically stated - physically and biotically stopping traffic after tossing a car into the opposing lanes. 

Shepard held a hand over her gaping mouth. This was the man in charge of the well-being of biotics in all of Alliance space? That was like having a committee of only men deciding women’s rights. She shook her head and continued, scrolling through every bill or law that he’d been involved in. Now and then he’d approve something along the lines of allowing biotics to have the same healthcare options as non-biotics, but that just seemed like a basic human right. 

Shepard gripped the data pad until she was worried she might break it. She switched her playlist to something that better fit the mood she had felt the last few days - crunchy guitar riffs filled her tiny cabin. After taking a deep breath she continued to read. The crippling effects L2 biotics faced were a long list - brain tumors, schizophrenia, epilepsy, dissociative identity disorder, major depressive disorder, migraines, headaches, vertigo - the list went on. She didn’t envy Alenko, but she felt relieved his symptoms were mild in comparison. 

The more she read, the more horrified she became. Biotics were treated subhuman - all of those side-effects were listed as pre-existing conditions on their insurance, biotic children had to have psychiatric evaluations biannually to be allowed to be enrolled in public school, biotics with an L2 implant were required to have an annually renewed letter from a mental health professional stating they weren’t a danger to society to maintain a driver’s license and in some places rent housing. The most recent incident and surely the fuel behind this particular fire was a veto for funding toward reparations for L2s. 

Tears welled up in her eyes and she bit down on her lip until she could feel a familiar metallic taste on her tongue. Shepard felt overwhelmingly guilty. Guilty that being in the Alliance had shielded her enough to make her ignorant, guilty for just barely missing the window to have an L2 implant, and worst of all - guilty she would have to save the man that helped make all of this possible. 

Chapter Text

Liara flexed her fingers nervously, trying to seem calm as the airlock sealed behind them. 

“Tali, I need the layout of the ship ASAP,” the Commander said into the communication line that connected to the Normandy. 

“I just uploaded it to you, Commander,” Tali responded. Liara watched as Shepard’s omni tool alert lit up. 

“Hey, it’s going to be alright. We won’t let anything bad happen to you,” the Lieutenant said through a private channel. 

Liara clasped her quivering hands together and took a deep breath. She didn’t want them to think she was a liability. She knew that if she wanted to be useful against Saren she was going to have to learn how to be somewhat skilled on the battlefield. The Scientist had some combat training, and all asari were taught basics in school, but it had been several years since she wielded a gun. Her training session with Chief Williams yesterday was surprisingly insightful. When she wanted to be, the Chief was patient and an excellent teacher. 

“I’m fine, but thank you, Lieutenant,” she lied. 

“Joker, do we have contact?” Shepard asked the comm line.

“Should be patching you in to the terrorists in 3, 2, 1,” Joker said.

Walled off in her armor she couldn’t hear it, but she could see the humans let out a sigh. She was still confused by the pilot’s sense of humor. She wasn’t sure when to take him seriously or if she could ever take him seriously. It appeared that everything was a joke to him. What puzzled her more was that no one seemed to mind; many people enjoyed it. 

“Commander, do you think it’s a good idea to let them know we’re coming? Tali figured out a way to destabilize their sensors - they won’t know were locked on. We have the element of surprise,” Williams said through the comm line. 

“These people, no matter how extreme their actions may be, are still people. We should give them every chance to come away from this peacefully,” the Commander said.

Liara didn’t miss the smile that Lieutenant Alenko tried to hide by tilting his helmet toward the floor. It was to her understanding that non-biotic humans seemed to look down on humans with biotic abilities. It was another nuisance that didn’t make any sense to her, but tensions about it the last few days were far too high for her to ask. Perhaps she would discuss it with Doctor Chawkwas, she was always willing to indulge Liara in human customs. 

“This is Commander Shepard from the Alliance. We’re here to secure Chairman Burns, but we would like to do it peacefully. Does anyone copy?”

A long silence followed her question until a crackle filled the communication line. “Go to hell,” a voice said.

Liara watched Shepard let loose another breath. She had gathered that this mannerism wasn’t performed due to lack of oxygen, as one would think, but rather a sign of mental exhaustion. 

Shepard turned around to face her. “Last chance to back out, Liara. No one would think less of you.”

That stung slightly, but what was worse was that Liara seriously considered leaving. “As I told the Lieutenant, I’m fine Commander.”

Shepard nodded once. “Move out!”

Stepping onto the ship was like stepping into a horror vid. The atmosphere was thick with humidity, no doubt due to a malfunction in the climate control settings. The first room was empty except for a set of crates set up in a haphazard formation as if the architect changed their mind and simply left without finishing. Panels were ripped off the ceiling exposing wire and piping. The bulkhead was worn with various dents and scratches. 

“Be on alert,” the Lieutenant said.

Liara thought, not for the first time, that he had an affinity for pointing out the obvious. They continued through the ship, but every room was empty. Even the kitchen looked like no one had been there in weeks. 

“Maybe there’s only a few of them,” Shepard speculated. 

They arrived at the last door down a long corridor. It was locked. Immediately the Commander put up a hand signal and Alenko began fussing with the interface.

“We’re good,” he said after a few moments.

Shepard turned around to face her and spoke through their communication line, “Stay behind me, find cover as soon as possible, and if it’s starting to get dicey just run back to the ship.”

Liara nodded. As if she would ever leave them behind and run away like a coward. She unsheathed her weapon and held it in the stance that Williams had shown her the night before. 

When Shepard cycled the doors open she cursed. “Well, this isn’t going to be any fun.”

The room in front of them had metal containers set up in a maze, stacked to the ceiling. There was no way to see around them. Liara would have bet money that the maze funneled out to an area where they would be assaulted. Despite her comment, Shepard seemed unphased, level-headed, and almost giddy. Liara supposed that was the difference between soldiers and regular people. 

The two marines walked cautiously down the maze with Liara following as someone came running at them. Shepard biotically threw them down the hallway while Kaidan peppered them with bullets. As soon as gunfire lit up the room, screaming could be heard in the distance. 

“Shepard, we’ll have to hurry if we want to save the Chairman. I think all we’ve done is upset them,” Liara said.

“Yeah, no kidding,” she responded.

Before they could reach the mouth of the maze three more biotics came running at them. Liara’s shield was down within seconds and Alenko pushed her back behind the corner from where they came. As soon as he took his eyes off them he was thrown into a set of crates. Shepard was faster than anything Liara had ever seen before. Within a few blinks she had one of them flipped over on their back pinned with her foot, one had been thrown in the opposite direction, and the other lay dead on the floor - blood puddling underneath them. The biotic on the floor squirmed beneath Shepard’s weight to grab a gun, but Liara saw her opportunity and let out three shots from her pistol.

“Nice,” Shepard panted.

Alenko had recovered just as two more came barreling down the hallway. Liara felt gravity pull when he lifted them into the air and Shepard unloaded her shotgun as they floated past her. Bits of flesh and blood aerosolized around her. Liara focused on the other target, biotically pushing them into a stack of crates behind them, and Alenko finished the job with his pistol. 

“Just let me through and you can shoot me easier!” Shepard shouted at the enemies awaiting her. 

She ran out of the maze into what Liara assumed would be an ambush. Alenko followed closely behind Shepard and Liara behind him. The blockades were sparse and there were too many enemies, but they weren’t as coordinated as the marines who seemed to fight as one fluid unit. It was as if both of them knew exactly what the other one was thinking, even without looking at each other. 

Liara took her chance when a few of them had grouped together. She pushed an abundance of dark energy toward them. A gaping hole of dark energy hovered in the air, distorting the enemy’s weight and spirling them around it. Shepard picked them off one by one while Kaidan held off two more biotics. Liara was so out of practice, that one singularity exhausted her. She crouched down behind a barrier to catch her breath as adrenaline pulsed through her. 

Suddenly one of the biotics surrounded Shepard with a mass effect field and threw her across the room. She crashed into the stacked crates as they tumbled around her. Noting no enemies in their vicinity Liara ran over to Shepard. Somehow she had managed to hit the wall but missed the avalanche of crates. Dazed from the blow, she blinked her eyes rapidly.

“James?” Alenko said through the comm line. His voice was quiet and Liara wasn’t sure she heard him correctly. 

Shepard’s eyes widened and Liara turned around. Alenko stood head to head with another human. He had dark skin and a shaved head. Alenko reached his hand out and the man immediately suspended him in the air. Liara watched as his body became limp from the sudden change in gravity. 

“Kaidan!” Shepard yelled, the words sounding garbled in her mouth. 

Before Liara could do anything Shepard pulled herself up and ran forward, all her grace crippled by her weakened body. With the strength she had left, Liara sent a wave of dark energy toward the man, but he quickly put up a barrier to block it. 

Alenko fell to the floor, unconscious. The man turned to his new threat, the Commander, who shot at him several times. His enhanced barrier repelled each bullet. With fear in his eyes, he pulled the trigger of his pistol at the barreling force stalking toward him. The second her barrier broke she threw up a new one and pummeled him into the wall with dark energy. Shepard bridged the gap she created between them quickly and the sound of her shotgun rang loud. Liara watched the man's limp body crumple beneath the Commander. 

Their attention turned toward Alenko who was beginning to come to. Shepard knelt next to him and gently propped him up against a crate.

“Hey, you okay? She asked.

“His vitals are normal, perhaps he just has a concussion,” Liara said as she read her HUD screen. 

Alenko’s eyes were glossy and his gaze fell to the man Shepard had just incapacitated. The Commander turned her head to see what he was staring at. Shepard’s expression was unreadable - shock, horror, understanding? Liara wasn’t sure, but it was gone by the time she turned back to Alenko. 

“Liara, take him back to the Normandy,” Shepard said.

Alenko shook his head. “No, no…I’m fine.”

They both backed away as he stood up. 

“I’m okay, Commander,” he said more assuredly. 

Shepard stared at him like she didn’t believe him, but then began walking toward the back of the ship. The room they were in led to another hallway with empty rooms, the same as before. 

“Over here, Commander,” Alenko said as he stood behind one of the doors. He hacked the lock, though more slowly and the door opened up. 

“Commander Shepard with the Alliance, don’t move!” 

Chairman Burns sat on his knees with a gun to his head. Liara wasn’t good at guessing human ages, but the gunman looked young. He had a wild look in his eyes, but also a sadness that caught her off guard. Two other biotics stood next to him, guns pointed in their direction.

Shepard holstered her gun and motioned for her squad to do the same. Liara put hers away but noticed that Alenko still held his by his side, his hand tight over the grip. 

“Oh, this is rich. Is that you, Alenko?” One of the women sneered. 

The Lieutenant was silent. 

“Look we didn’t come here for some kind of reunion. We can all come out of this alive, just let him go,” Shepard said. 

“Why should we? This scumbag has done nothing but make our lives miserable since the day he got elected…and now you’re spewing some bullshit about how it’s all going to be alright?” The gunman yelled. 

Shepard was the picture of serenity. “I never promised everything would be alright. You won’t come out of this a free man, but you’ll live to see another day.”

“Enough! Just kill him, Tom, he deserves it.” One of the other biotics yelled.

“Tom, is it? Can I call you Tom?” Shepard asked. The gunman just stared at her. “Tom…you need Burns. He’s the best chance you’ll ever have at making a difference. Especially with this scandal out there…you’re going to need every string pulled. And Burns is going to do that for you, aren’t you Burns?”

“Yes! Yes, I swear! I will pass the reparations bill and anything else, just let me go!” 

Tom’s hand quivered.

“Don’t trust them, Tom!” The female biotic yelled. 

“Alaina, you know this hurts me too,” Alenko said, startling the room. “You can trust the Commander, she’ll make sure Burns holds up his end of the deal.”

Alaina barked a short laugh. “The Alliance has done nothing for us, Kaidan. Just like it did nothing for Eden Prime, just like it’s doing nothing for Feros. Please, like I’d trust a murderer like you.” She gave him an evil grin. “Does your precious Commander know about that?”

Alenko’s jaw clenched. Shepard glanced at him but remained calm. 

Tom dropped the gun. “I don’t want to die, Alaina. We’ve done this for long enough.”

With speed, Alaina shifted her gun toward the Chairman, but Alenko fired two shots before she could even pull the trigger. She dropped to the ground with a sickening thud. The other two biotics backed away and Chairman Burns looked around bewildered as blood pooled beneath the woman. 

“Liara, get him out of here,” Shepard said pointing at Burns. “Joker, call in the fifth fleet, we need a pick-up.”

“Aye-aye, Commander,” Joker responded. 

Liara helped the traumatized Chairman to the room by the Normandy to wait for a pick-up. Exhausted from the day she found some water in the kitchen and sat with him in silence while they waited. 

Alenko joined them shortly after but spent the remaining time staring blankly at the wall. Shepard restrained the two biotics after allowing them to drink water and eat a bit of food. As Chairman Burns was preparing to board his ride home, Shepard cornered him. She held his face firmly in one hand, her gloved fingers digging into his cheeks. 

“Believe it or not, I saved you for their sake, not yours,” she spat. “If you don’t make things right the second you step foot on the Citadel I will know, and I’ll make you wish I let them kill you on this ship, is that clear?”

The Chairman, eyes wide with fright, nodded his head quickly. Shepard let go of him forcefully and stormed into the Normandy airlock. The decontamination process washed over them.

“Ma’am -” Kaidan began, but Shepard cut him off.

“You're free to go, I’ll come find you later,” she said. 

He nodded and left the airlock immediately. Unsure if she should leave or wait until she was dismissed, Liara stood awkwardly in the space.

Shepard turned to her and gave her a sad smile, “Usually at the end of a battle I feel like we did something good…they’re not always that sad.” She bit her lower lip. “You did great today though, you were a big help with that - what was that skill you used?”

“A singularity. It is just a powerful gravitational field,” Liara said.

“I don’t think I could ever do that, that was very impressive,” Shepard said.

Liara blushed. “Well, maybe I could try to teach you?”

Shepard smiled. “Yeah, that would be great.” She looked behind her shoulder. “Uh, no debriefing today so just go relax.” She turned to leave.

“Shepard!” Liara called out. She wanted to say something meaningful, to tell her that watching her fight was like watching a beautiful work of art come to life. She didn’t want her to walk away feeling like she didn’t accomplish anything good. Shepard turned around, waiting for her question. “The women, with the hostage…she said something about the Alliance not helping with Feros? What was that about?” Now she had Shepard’s full attention.

“I was wondering that too…I don’t know anything about a Feros.” 

“I could look into it for you. Maybe it’s a lead,” Liara offered. 

She could have sworn she saw a little light return to the Commander’s eyes. “Thank you Liara, that would be very helpful.”

“Of course! I want to be an asset to this team,” Liara said.

“You are, you definitely are.” Shepard smiled and walked away. 

Liara wasn’t sure if she felt dizzy from the battle or if it was a new effect the Commander had on her. She decided a trip to see Doctor Chawkwas was warranted either way.

Chapter Text

Garrus Vakarian fiddled with the shield capacitor on his omni-tool for the fifth time that night. Something about it was broken. Something about it didn’t work. Normally Garrus was very good with electronics. 

In a normal conversation regarding his skills - as those types of conversations so often come about - he might tell someone that he is fairly good at decryption. If he said that he’d be lying, what he should say is that he’s fairly excellent at decryption. 

“There’s not a code I can’t crack in this whole galaxy!” He might say. That would be an over-exaggeration. There were plenty of codes he couldn’t crack. 

Fixing an omni-tool shield capacitor was not the same as cracking a code, not by a long shot. He had been so engrossed in his work that he didn’t hear her walk up to him. He only noticed her presence because of the even-toed feet planted in front of him. 

She said hello.

He looked up at her and flared his mandibles outward, a gesture of friendliness. Surely the quarian, Tali’Zorah nar Rayya, had more practice with aliens than the other members of this ship. The human members. Garrus was then reminded that Tali was fairly young, maybe she had never seen a Turian before she met Garrus. 

“Can’t sleep?” he asked.

“No, I can’t,” she said.

He was going to offer that she sit next to him instead of awkwardly hovering above, but she sat down without invitation. He appreciated that. 

“I can’t sleep,” she said. 

He knew that already. It was the first question he had asked her. 

“I can’t sleep, because it’s too quiet,” she offered without prompt. 

What a strange thing to say, he thought to himself. But he didn’t say it out loud - no. He had learned from his conversation with Commander Shepard that it was important, especially around aliens, to thoroughly think about what you were going to say before you said it.

‘What a strange thing to say’ may offend Tali , he thought. Or it may not, he thought that too.

“That’s strange,” Garrus said.

Tali was unperturbed. He enjoyed her presence even more. 

“My ship back home was loud. If it was quiet, that meant something was wrong. Being on this quiet ship, it feels a little wrong,” she said.

Garrus knew what she meant. Well, not exactly. He didn’t think this ship was too quiet. He had marveled at that very fact, the fact that it was so quiet, the first night he spent on the ship. Indeed it was something to notice, but not something to concern himself with. Garrus didn’t concern himself with minute worries such as the volume of a ship’s engine. 

The reason he could relate to what she was saying was that he too felt a little wrong being on this ship. It was a human warship - though they tried to pass it off as some kind of interspecies collaboration - it felt human to its core. That may have been because 94.3% of the crew was human. He tried to imagine the Normandy run by turians. It was a fruitless exercise. Instead, he focused on his new companion, putting down the omni-tool he had so tirelessly worked on and yet had made no progress whatsoever. 

“What were you working on?” she asked.

He was aware he had made little effort to carry the conversation. However, Tali didn’t seem to mind. What Garrus didn’t know was that Tali was an only child, as all quarian were, but grew up with many cousins. Anyone who has ever grown up with many cousins or siblings knows that you have to talk louder than the others to get a word in edgewise. Garrus didn’t know Tali was an only child and he didn’t know anything about growing up with many cousins or siblings because he had only ever grown up with one sister. 

“My shield capacitor has been on the fritz,” he said. 

She was silent. He tried to read her facial expression, but he couldn’t. The helmet to her envirosuit, the armor she never took off, had a one-way mirror-like effect so that if you tried to look at her face, you only saw yourself looking back. A pleasing thing for someone who is particularly vain. Garrus was only moderately vain. Trying to read her facial expression was insanity, he’d never be able to do it and this fact flustered him. 

Garrus wondered briefly why no one ever looked in a history book to see what quarians looked like without their envirosuits. It was a mystery of the galaxy and everyone kept quiet, perhaps because they felt it was not politically correct. If anyone ever asked Garrus what a quarian looked like without an envirosuit he’d say, “Look it up in a history book!” 

But no one ever asked him. Maybe no one had ever asked anyone. 

“Can I see it?” she asked.

He handed it to her.

She fiddled with the button he had spent hours pressing this way and that, pulling apart and putting back together. She pressed it simply with her finger and then shook the device. Throwing the omni-tool over her arm she brought up the shield to its full capacity. 

Garrus was shocked. Relieved. He wasn’t frustrated as a lesser man might be, he was in awe. He thanked her. 

She shrugged. It was no big deal. “Sometimes all it needs is a good shake,” she told him. 

He knew he’d never believe that statement until he saw it with his own eyes and now, he had. 

Wrex, the krogran, slept noisily a few feet away. His snores had set up a rhythmic tune that Garrus had grown accustomed to over the last few weeks. So accustomed that he might notice if it wasn’t there. He hadn’t yet tested that theory. 

“You could always sleep in here if you need noise,” he said. He was of course referring to the krogan. 

Tali laughed. It was filtered through her envirosuit and then filtered again through his translator. But there was no need for the translator at that moment, laughter was universal.

Chapter Text

Shepard lay awake, replaying the events of the previous day in her head. She was sure now that saving Chairman Burns was the right thing to do, but it had come with a heavy price. She knew she needed to talk to Alenko, but finding time to discuss things in private had proved difficult since he had spent most of the time recovering from a migraine. 

“Lights,” she said to the onboard VI. 

Her room illuminated as she squinted her eyes. Another sleepless night, but at least she could get some paperwork done. She was getting ready to write her report when she remembered something one of the biotics had said to Alenko - she had called him a murderer. At first, Shepard assumed she was referring to the onslaught moments before when they forcibly killed a dozen biotics, but the way Alenko clenched his hand into a fist stuck out in her mind. 

She opened his personnel file and read it a second time through a different lens. He was enlisted in what he referred to as Brain Camp when he was fifteen and graduated the summer before his eighteenth birthday. Shepard opened up a new tab and looked up data on the Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training program. Most of it was classified even beyond her security access. She furrowed her brow - something unusual was going on here. According to the program guidelines students were enlisted until they became legal adults at eighteen, but Alenko was seventeen when he left. She noted the day the program closed down was just weeks after his discharge. 

That has to be a coincidence, she thought. 

She attempted to get a list of enrolled students, but again her access was denied. She chewed on her lip and went back to his profile. He graduated from the University of British Columbia with a degree in computer engineering and minored in human physiology. She didn’t realize he was so well educated. He could have gotten a job doing anything, what made him join the Alliance? 

She realized the irony in her thoughts, but being a marine in the Alliance was all she had ever known - all the world ever gave her. He had opportunities she could never have dreamed of. She stared at his picture taken when he enlisted at twenty-two, another strange thing - most marines enlisted earlier than that. If it was possible, she thought, he had only gotten more handsome with age. At that thought, she closed the computer and put her head in her hands. 

You really need to get some sleep, Emilia.

A flick of the touchscreen turned on her data pad and she started writing the report when she heard a sound on the other side of the wall. The wall her cabin shared with the mess had taught her a valuable lesson - metal is not a very good sound-proofing material. She looked at the late hour on the clock and took a leap of faith.

Alenko was stirring a metal spoon slowly in his cup and looked up when he heard the sound of her boots on the floor. He seemed more rested than the last time she saw him, the dullness in his brown eyes was gone. He wore a well-fitted white t-shirt and dark blue Alliance sweatpants. Her outfit wasn’t much better - a baggy Alliance shirt from her pre-N7 days and black shorts. 

“Hey, I thought I heard you out here.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he said.

“No. I wasn’t asleep. I - I  just wanted to make sure you were feeling better.” 

“Oh, yeah. I am, thanks for checking.” He moved to sit down at the table. 

She busied herself by getting a cup of mint lemon tea, uncharacteristically at a loss for words. Alenko sat quietly while she made her drink and when she sat down across from him she felt more at ease. 

“I wanted to tell you that you were right. About the mission and what you said the other night -,” she began.

“Shepard, about that…I want to apologize,” he interrupted.

She waved her index finger at him. “Excuse me, I get to apologize first.”

His smile lit up his eyes. 

She let out the breath she was holding onto. “You were right about going there, you were right about a lot of things. I didn’t realize until I read up on it just how poorly biotics are treated. I feel so naive that I’ve been blissfully unaware while people just like me…and like you, are suffering.” She took a sip of her tea. “And now we might have a lead on where to go next because of it…so you were right about that too.

“I’m only good at one thing - being a marine. Sometimes I can get hyper-fixated on something. I appreciate your -” she smiled, “ bravery in challenging me on things that you feel passionate about.” Her expression became somber. “And I’m sorry that you had to kill those people, people you knew.”

He shook his head dismissively. “You don’t need to apologize for any of that. I knew those people in a different life.” He looked into her eyes. “ I’m sorry that I accused you of not caring. That was insensitive and not indicative of how I feel about you.”

She raised her eyebrows.

He looked down and smiled, “What I mean is, I know you care. You care a lot and I know you’re just doing what’s best for the mission and this crew.”

She shrugged. “Sometimes, I need help.”

He nodded in agreement. “I can do that.”

Looking into his eyes which were golden-brown in the bright light of the mess hall reminded her of his Alliance enlistment photo, a flicker of something passed through her. She cleared her throat and stood up quickly, startling him. “Thank you, Lieutenant.”

He looked confused. “No problem, Commander.”

She took her full mug to the sink and let the cold water run over her hands. 

“You didn’t ask me about the murderer thing,” he said from the table.

Shepard turned off the sink and looked at him. “I figured you’d tell me when you’re ready.”

He relaxed his shoulders. “Thank you.”

“Goodnight, Alenko,” she said as she headed toward her cabin. 

“Shepard, one more thing,” he called out as she reached her door. The Commander turned around and walked a few steps closer to him. “You’re wrong.” 

She furrowed her brow. 

He took a sip of his drink and said, “I think you’re probably great at a lot of things.”

=======

“Give me something good, people,” Shepard said as she carried her third cup of coffee onto the floor of the CIC.

It had taken a few days, but the tip on Feros may have finally paid off. They had spent the last couple of days filling their time with Alliance errands. Ever since their run-in with the biotic extremists, Alliance command realized how useful the Normandy and its crew were for just about any mission. 

Communications Specialist Tucks smiled, “Happy to oblige, Commander. A little digging shows that Feros is a privately funded colony out in the Attican Beta cluster - easy enough, but why did that cra -, uh…that biotic mention it to you?”

Shepard swirled the galaxy map around. “I don’t like riddles, Tucks.”

“Of course not, ma’am. The rest was a little bit harder to figure out. The colony was established by ExoGeni Corporation, but the exact nature of their plans wasn’t easily found on the extranet or even in the Alliance databases.”

“It’s not an Alliance colony,” Pressly noted.

“Correct, sir. That’s where Doctor T’soni came in,” he looked longingly at Liara who stood next to him with a data pad in hand. 

Shepard stifled back a laugh. Liara was so clearly out of his league, but more power to him.

“The colony was settled on a planet containing major prothean ruins. Some scholars believe that the underground could hold the remains of an entire prothean city,” Liara said.

“So you’ve been there before?” Shepard asked.

Liara fidgeted with the data pad. “No. Believe it or not, I haven’t been to every prothean ruin in the galaxy…though I hope someday that won’t be true. However, one can assume that ExoGeni set up a colony there to explore and exploit the ruins.”

“Isn’t that something the Council would have to be clued in on?” Pressly asked.

“Not necessarily. The Council only requires that any known prothean technology be shared with them. Depending on what was found, there may be little more than archeological evidence of their existence,” Liara said. 

“There must be something there worth pouring billions of credits into,” Shepard speculated. 

“The colony went dark a little over a week ago. No communications in or out…like something is blocking it,” Tucks said.

“Like Eden Prime,” the Commander said just barely above a whisper.

“Yes, ma’am,” Tucks confirmed.

Shepard bit her lip. This could just be a technological error, something that may lead them to a dead-end on the other side of the galaxy. But, if it was like Eden Prime, then that meant geth were out there killing more humans and she couldn’t risk that. It may already be too late.

“Good work. Liara, I want to know everything there is to know about ExoGeni down to their expense reports for the last six months. They’re after something over there…this isn’t a coincidence.”

“Of course, Commander,” Liara said.

“We’ll need to plot a course to the…”

“Theseus system. Already on it, Commander,” Pressly said.

“Joker, you catch all of that?” Shepard said to the ceiling. 

“You got it Commander, but without their comm buoy working, we’re flying in blind,” Joker said.

“I’m working on creating a more discernible understanding of the system,” Lidar Specialist Crosby said.

Shepard smiled at her team, “It’s a good thing we’re invisible.”

========

Shepard signed off on her most recent report and sent it to Admiral Hackett for review. Yesterday they had successfully talked down a previous Admiral turned biotic cult leader from shooting his brains out. Going into it, she was worried it would be another slaughter of biotics, but everyone came out alive. They were two days out from Feros and Shepard hoped it wouldn’t be too late for the small colony by the time they arrived. 

“Commander, we’re all going to play charades in the rec room, care to join?” Joker’s voice resounded through her cabin. 

“I don’t know Joker, I was hoping tonight might be the night I go to bed early,” she said.

“Come on, I almost broke half my bones walking down here to play a game that I can’t even do well!” he whined.

“Okay, fine. I’ll be out there in a few minutes,” she said.

She changed out of her baggy t-shirt and shorts and into her BDUs. She headed to the rec room just off the mess. “Recreation Room” was a generous title - it was one love seat and a vidscreen on the opposing side. The room seemed even more dwarfed with everyone inside - Tali sat on the love seat next to Williams, Wrex stood silently in the back, Garrus was sitting next to Liara on the floor in front of the sofa, Alenko perched on the armrest, and Joker sat in a chair. Shepard smiled nervously into the room, there wasn’t a bare area of floor to sit on.

“I think you guys have enough people,” she said.

A loud “No!” was heard from the group.

“Shepard, come sit next to me!” Tali said, patting a section of the sofa between her and Alenko. 

Shepard squeezed into the small space, crossing her arms over her chest to make herself smaller. She held back a snarky comment on the tight-lipped smile Williams gave her as she was squished into the opposite armrest. 

“We already picked teams,” Tali explained. “I’m with Garrus, Ashley is with Wrex, Liara is with the lieutenant, so you can be with Joker.”

Shepard leaned over and gave the Flight Lieutenant a cheesy smile. “Just who I would have picked.”

“You realize I might be the worst person to play charades with?” Joker asked. 

“No, Joker…I’m sure you’ll break a leg,” Alenko mused. 

Shepard stifled a laugh. 

“Funny Alenko, really funny,” Joker shot back.

After an hour and several bouts of yelling later, Garrus and Tali’s team was neck and neck with Wrex and Williams. On more than one occasion some of the other servicemen peered in to see what all the raucous was about but quickly left the room when Wrex raised his voice. Shepard was nearly in tears watching a fully grown krogan act out a lightsaber scene. The other two teams were sorely behind, but no one except one person seemed to care.

Tali stood in front of everyone making the same circling motion over and over, getting more frustrated with each loop of her arm. 

“Times up!” Liara shouted.

“Argh! It’s a multi-collimated anti-shockwave cuff!” Tali screamed.

“I don’t know what the hell that is!” Garrus yelled back.

She threw her hands up in the air. “What do you mean? It’s a part of every single ship made in the last one hundred years!” 

Giggling next to Shepard, Kaidan leaned in closer. “Remind me to never get on Tali’s bad side…or to at least wear earplugs when I do it.”

Laughter burst out of Shepard. 

“Okay, okay! It’s our turn!” Williams yelled as she ran up to the front of the room. 

Liara made a scene of turning on her timer and then everyone was silent. Williams picked a card out of the deck and smiled to herself. She brought her hands to her chest, turned them down, playfully pretended to lick the back of one, and then rub her face on it. She then made a roaring motion. 

“Cat!” Wrex boomed.

“Yes!” Williams shouted and jumped into Wrex’s arms as his laughter rattled the room. He spun her around as the others cheered.

“Cat? That’s not a real thing!” Garrus shouted.

Alenko laughed and patted him on the back, “It’s a human thing.”

Tali just sat silently with her head in her hands.

“Better luck next time, Tali,” Shepard said.

Tali laughed. “Yeah, just remind me to never pick the turian.”

“Hey! We almost won,” Garrus countered. 

Everyone said good game and headed off to bed. 

Exhausted, Shepard curled into her sheets and had her first dreamless sleep in weeks.

Chapter Text

Their boots crunched quietly through the debris that littered the ground. It was hard to tell what parts of Feros were decaying ancient ruins and which parts were freshly damaged. Chunks of stone littered the ground and bullet holes peppered the crumbling walls, rebar exposing the structure's vulnerability. The colony was a deserted wasteland, war-torn and bleak. They had spent the last two hours working their way through geth forces the second they exited the Normandy. 

Kaidan had baselessly hoped he would never have to see those creatures again - the ones that jumped around like frogs - impossible to hit and incredibly fast. Metal machines made to look organic with sinewy musculature and inhumane flexibility. Hoppers. The nickname didn’t do them justice.

The Commander had been afraid it was too late. Before arriving they had been called away to perform seemingly meaningless tasks by Admiral Hackett, head of the Alliance’s Fifth Fleet. Kaidan would watch her grip tighten on the metal bar that separated her from the Admiral’s holographic image in the conference room as request after request flowed in. Sometimes he wondered if the metal would warp beneath her grasp. 

It had taken them over a week to get here, that meant two weeks since the colony went dark. He knew she lost a little more patience every time she had to bite her lip and say, “yes, sir”. Kaidan wanted to help her like she had asked him so many nights ago, but he didn’t know how. Now they were here and the geth were everywhere, just like Eden Prime, just like she’d feared. The living human that greeted them was a relief to see, even if it was too late to save him. 

Arriving at the colony to see some of them still standing was a miracle. They had finally spoken to a small group of colonists when Shepard pulled him aside. “Something weird is going on here,” she said.

He didn’t disagree with her. The surviving colonists were vacant and cold; a far different response than Kaidan would have imagined. No one would tell them anything about the colony, they just kept insisting the team speak with their leader, Fai Dan. He didn’t do this job for praise, but he would have expected a warmer welcome - some relief at least. 

“Not to be callous, but how have they survived this long? Everyone should be husks by now,” she whispered. 

“I don’t know, Shepard, maybe they’re all in a state of shock,” he murmured. 

The Commander looked around, then back at the rest of the squad standing a few feet away before turning back to Kaidan. “I don’t think they’re dangerous or anything.”

Kaidan shook his head. “Me either. Just…preoccupied.” 

Shepard sighed and removed her helmet. He watched an unruly piece of hair fall into her face. She blew it out of the way. “Okay, we’ll set up a base here. Get the rest of the marines, I can’t imagine the geth will stay away for long. I’m going to go find this Fai Dan person everyone keeps talking about.”

“Alone?” he asked.

Her lips formed a wry smile. “Lieutenant Alenko, are you worried about me?”

He rolled his eyes. “We’re in a strange colony with even stranger colonists. And oh yeah, in case you didn’t notice, there’s geth everywhere. Just take Wrex or Garrus with you, please…ma’am.”

“Yes, sir!” The serious look on her face was overshadowed by her mocking salute. She walked toward the group, “Wrex, you’re with me. Tali see what you can get from the geth we took out earlier, Williams accompany her, please. Liara, I want any analysis on this planet ASAP - topography, air quality, plant life, wildlife, any information you can get - they didn’t just build a colony on this shit hole for no reason. Garrus, get an idea of our defenses and perimeters. Lieutenant Alenko will gather the other marines to set up camp here. Any questions?” 

“No ma’am,” Williams said on behalf of the group.

Shepard raised her hand to her ear and spoke through the comm line back to the Normandy, “Pressley, Joker - we’re all good here, for now. Once the marines have unloaded the supplies see what you can scout out. We’re looking for anything that might tip us off to what Saren’s after. And of course, if you spot that flashy new warship of his, let me know.”

He watched her walk away and felt something like anxiety wash over him. Completely irrational. The feeling unsettled him for multiple reasons, but he pushed past it. He radioed the rest of the marines to come set up camp. While they worked he took the liberty of trying to get more information from the colonists. 

A woman worked furiously against a large generator. As far as Kaidan could tell, the thing was damaged beyond repair, but she didn’t even glance up at his arrival. 

“Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko with the Alliance,” he said, jutting his hand out toward her.

She looked at it dismissively and went back to work. “Thanks for dealing with those geth, we sure are happy you guys came to help.” She didn’t sound happy. 

“It’s impressive you all held out this long,” he said, trying to get more information out of her.

She grunted in agreement. 

“Are you working on anything I can help with?” he offered.

“Not unless you got PolarCharge power cells in that fancy armor of yours,” she mumbled.

Kaidan instinctively looked down at his armor. If she only knew he had saved up six paychecks to buy this armor five years ago. “I don’t suppose you have a converter? The Normandy I’m sure has a few cells to spare.”

That got her attention. “Does it look like we have a converter?” She motioned around the desolate camp. Warm air rushed around them, there was no overhead cover from the elements. The exposed sky was a blanket of ground pepper clouds. Occasionally ash would fall from it, leaving black streaks on the floor as their boots passed over it. 

He gave her a tight-lipped smile. “We’ll be taking a closer look around, I’ll let you know if we find anything.”

A crash-landed ship was the only solid structure around this make-shift colony. He peered into it, unsure if going inside would offend someone. 

“Admiring the ship?” 

He turned around to find a deep green salarian smiling behind him. “Did it get knocked down in the attacks?”

The salarian looked intrigued. “Funny enough, no.” His face contorted into a painful grimace. 

“Are you okay?” Kaidan asked.

The pain passed. “Mmm yes.” He turned around as if they had never been talking. 

“Wait, excuse me!” Kaidan called out.

The salarian turned around, oblivious. “Yes?”

Kaidan gave him a puzzled look but decided on a different tactic. “I’m Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. What’s your name?”

With a touch of pride, he said, “My full name is Gorot II Heranon Mal Dinest Got Inoste Ledra, but most humans call me Ledra for short.”

Kaidan chuckled. “Ledra it is. What brought you to this colony?”

“Oh, I’m a traveling merchant. Or at least, I was-” another wince of pain, but less intense than the first. “I have decided that this little colony, Zhu’s Hope, is going to be my new permanent residence.”

Kaidan shuffled his feet. “No offense, but why this place?”

Ledra wistfully glanced at the sky. “It’s peaceful, is it not?”

Kaidan looked around at the rubble and helpless colonists. A pile of dead bodies was poorly hidden away in the distance. “Uh…I’m sure it was nice before the attacks. Listen, I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing before. Nice to meet you.” He nodded and walked away, the cheerful salarian waving goodbye. 

He walked back to their makeshift base with even more questions than before. Shepard stomped over with Wrex trailing behind her chuckling. She was gritting her teeth and a pink flush covered her face. 

“Everything okay, Shepard?” 

“I met Fai Dan. He’s over there with an extremely pleasant rent-a-cop.” The way she said pleasant made him think their interaction was anything but.

“Shepard made me look like an angel,” Wrex chuckled. 

Shepard crossed her arms. “It’s like they don’t want our help.” She threw her hands up. “Good! I wasn’t even planning on giving it to them, I just came here for Saren.” 

“Shepard, you don’t mean that,” Kaidan said, holding back laughter over her almost child-like pouting. 

She rolled her eyes. “I know. Of course, we’ll help them. They don’t have food or water or -”

“Power,” Kaidan added.

She let out a big huff. “It’s a private colony, which means it may take even a few more weeks before the Alliance can send anyone out here. We can at least help them become self-sufficient. Doesn’t seem like they want more than that anyway.”

“Maybe make it so the geth don’t slaughter any more of them?” he added.

She shrugged. “Sure, that too. Let’s regroup.”

The sun began to settle against the horizon as their team pulled together under the cover of a tent. Despite their earlier remarks, none of the colonists complained when they unloaded food and water from the Normandy. They knew it was only a band-aid until the real work could begin, but Kaidan felt good about being able to help them.

“Okay, here’s what we know. This colony was never big, a thousand people at most, but they spanned a pretty good distance between the spaceport and the ExoGeni research facility - about twenty-four klicks from here. Normandy, any news on your aerial scouting mission?”

“Negative, Commander. We could see the facility you mentioned, but no signs of Saren’s ship. Quite a few geth ships are mulling about and one large one is attached to the research facility, but nothing else,” Helmsman Rahman said.

Shepard ground her teeth. “Well, he’s probably not here anymore, but that doesn’t mean we can’t figure out what he was looking for. Tali anything from the geth units?”

Tali looked away. “Negative, Commander.”

Shepard looked at Liara with hope. “Liara?”

“I’m sorry to say that my findings were rather mundane. There does appear to be a substance in the air that our scanners pick up as foreign, but that is not unusual on a new planet.”

Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “That’s fine, look into that further please…right now it’s the only thing we have.”

Garrus spoke up, “There are about a million ways geth forces could attack this base, it’s not secure at all. I’m confused as to why they haven’t annihilated the rest of the colonists here.”

Shepard looked up with interest. “I was wondering the same thing.”

“Not to mention these creepy vibes the colonists are giving off,” Williams noted. 

Shepard glared at her, “‘Creepy vibes’? I’ll make sure to note that in my report, thank you for that Williams.”

Williams swallowed hard. “Sorry, ma’am.”

Kaidan felt a pang of pity. Williams rode the line of insubordination more than most marines, but Shepard seemed to have an affinity for lashing out at her. A beast on the battlefield, Shepard was surprisingly patient with the rest of the crew…at least for the most part. She didn’t tolerate bullshit, but why should she? The general feeling he got from most of his marines was that she was a fair leader, maybe even a little more lax than most. 

“While maybe not so eloquently put, Williams is right, Commander. I spoke with some of the colonists while you were speaking with Fai Dan. They’re closed off and maybe even a bit delirious,” Kaidan said. 

The Chief shot him a look of relief and he silently nodded at her. Shepard ignored it. 

“Since the colonists seem to be in the most immediate danger and Saren appears to be MIA, we’ll stay here for a few days and help them before trying to cross the skywalk that leads to the research facility. Apparently, it’s some kind of death bridge.”

“A one-way strip, crawling with geth? Should be right up your alley, Commander,” Joker said over the line. 

Shepard smiled. It wasn’t a full one, she was far too stressed for that, but Kaidan watched as her shoulders relaxed slightly. “Get some sleep, everyone. Dismissed.”

Kaidan hung around after everyone cleared out. Shepard looked up at him, surprised to see him standing there. “Something I can help you with, Lieutenant?”

He leaned against the tent support. “Why are you so hard on her? Sure she mouths off a lot, but she does her job well.”

Shepard knew who he was talking about. “Because she’s not good at her job, she’s great at her job. If she took even a fraction of the time she spends on witty remarks learning how to control herself she might even be fantastic. I just know she can be better,” she looked away, “and maybe she reminds me a lot of myself. I used to mouth off like that all the time, it never got me anywhere.”

Kaidan snorted. “Well, I don’t know about that. Look where we are now.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Do you get some kind of sick pleasure from being right all the time?” 

He laughed. “Doesn’t everyone?”

She smiled at that. “I’ll try to ease up on her.”

“Thank you, that’s all I’m asking.”

========

The following day, Kaidan was discussing why the Nexus omni-tool outranked the Logic Arrest - a completely ridiculous argument since there was no comparison in his mind - with Tali when he saw Shepard arguing out of the corner of his eye.

“Just tell me how to fix it so I can help you!” she said, desperately. 

“You sure don’t seem like you want to help us,” the colonist said and turned back to her work. 

Shepard let out a yelp of frustration and stormed back in Kaidan’s direction. He excused himself from the conversation while Tali was mid-sentence and met Shepard halfway. Gently grabbing her arm he spun her around and held her close to his side. 

His voice was soft. “Be nice.”

Shepard was petulant. “I am being nice! I’ve spent all day pulling information out of these people. Never have I wanted to kill someone for not letting me help them - until now,” she grumbled and glared at him. “Stop laughing, it’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny. Come on.” He dragged her unwillingly back to the colonist. 

“Macha is it? I’m Kaidan, this is Shepard. I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot,” he said.

The woman let out a grunt of acknowledgment but kept her eyes on her work. Shepard tensed next to him. 

“Macha, we’re going to be leaving the colony soon, but before we do we’d really like it if we could help you with your water problem.”

She snorted. “Pipes busted.”

Shepard raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Where?”

“Down in the tunnels,” the woman said.

“Why haven’t you fixed it?” Shepard asked. Kaidan pinched her arm and she gave him an offended look.

“We can’t spare anyone else. Now, I need to get back to work. If I focus on this, the pain goes away.” Macha resumed her work silently.

Kaidan and Shepard exchanged looks of confusion. 

“Thank you, Macha, we can go down there and figure it out,” Kaidan said. They both backed away and headed toward the camp. 

After speaking with the colonists, it seemed as if the answers to all their problems lay in the tunnels. No one could give them a solid reason as to why they hadn’t taken a group down there. It could be a trap, but Kaidan doubted it. If they wanted to hurt them they would have attacked by now. No, the colonists seemed more lifeless than aggressive. 

“You use that charm on all the ladies, Alenko?” Shepard teased.

“Just the really special ones. Jealous?” As soon as the words came out of his mouth he regretted it.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She shrugged. “Only a little,” she said with a coy smile and then called everyone to regroup. 

He was too preoccupied with the moment to listen to her completely. She had just flirted with him…right? He tried to shake the thought out of his mind. It was friendly banter, just like on the Citadel when he made an idiot out of himself for the first time. The idea seemed more and more ridiculous the longer he let it linger in his head. 

“Alenko?” She interrupted him from his daze.

Everyone stared at him. 

“Sorry, Commander. My head is killing me, can you repeat that?”

Nice job, idiot.

She seemed concerned and guilt set in, he hated using his migraines as an excuse. “Oh, do you need to go back to the medbay? I was just trying to figure out a group to take into the tunnels. Wrex has happily agreed to help hunt the varren.”

A gleeful smile spread across Wrex’s face. 

“I’m okay. I should probably stay here though,” he said despite wanting to go with her; now he had to be committed. 

“I’m happy to go with you, Commander. I’ve been wanting to try out this new hacking tool I’ve downloaded,” Tali offered. 

“Great, we’ll leave early tomorrow. If Alenko gets too sick, Garrus is in charge.”

He winced at her words. 

Ashley’s eyes went wide. “What?”

Shepherd rounded on her. “Did I stutter?” Then the Commander did something that surprised him. She glanced at Kaidan from the corner of her eye and took a deep breath. “Garrus is higher ranking than you, just because he’s not Alliance doesn’t mean it doesn’t count.”

Ashley nodded.

The group broke away and a familiar dull ache crept into Kaidan’s head. Perfect timing, he thought grimly.

========

The sound of the cot creaking underneath his restless sleep finally pushed him out of bed. He hated waiting. The answer to their problem lay beyond these walls, but reasonably so, Shepard couldn’t leave these people when they were on the brink of collapse. 

The air outside was warm and breezy, the faintest hint of burning embers on the light wind. It reminded him of the end of summer when his family would light bonfires on the beach. But even the idea of a good memory did nothing to soothe his aching head. The downed ship that had become a haven for the colonists looked haunted in the dark amongst the rubble. He ran a hand through his hair and waited while his eyes adjusted to the black night. 

The sky, void of civilization, lit up with starlight. He didn’t have to walk far before he found her laying on a blanket and admiring the stars. If he was being completely honest with himself, he wondered how much his lack of sleep was due to their increasingly frequent late-night chats or rather, his expectation of them. He nervously shoved his hands into his pockets. 

Hearing the sound of his footsteps in the soft dirt, she turned and looked up at him, shifting her weight so that she was propped on her elbow. With only the stars as witnesses, he let himself be mesmerized by the glow of her icy blue eyes against her light skin. Laying here with her N7 hoodie tucked under her head as a makeshift pillow she seemed small. He had become so accustomed to seeing her as this unbreakable force - larger than life - but here under the blanket of darkness, he could see past the hardened marine exterior she wore so flawlessly. 

“Hey, Shepard.”

She carefully held his gaze. “Hi.” 

The dark blue lines in her irises, like lighting bolts against a snowy sky, sparkled as a warm feeling spread through him.

“Care if I join you?” He gestured at the open spot on the blanket next to her. 

“Yeah.” She said, still staring. 

He frowned.

“I mean, no.” She fumbled over her words and took a deep breath, laughing at herself in the process. “Yes, you can join me.” 

He smiled to himself and took the seat next to her while she shifted into a sitting position - arms wrapped around her knees, hugging them to her chest. 

She let out a small sigh. “I grew up in a colony like this one. Actually, it was completely different, but there’s something about all colonies that feels…familiar.”

“Uh-oh is this your tragedy topper?” he teased.

She laughed softly. “Well, it will be if you listen.”

She rubbed the back of her neck but stayed quiet. He instantly regretted interrupting her. There was nothing he wanted more than to hear this story.  

“It’s a long and depressing story, Kaidan - you don’t have to listen to it,” she offered. 

He wasn’t sure how many times she had used his first name. He knew it couldn’t be many because the second she said it his chest tightened. This story was real, not one hidden under a veil of humor; he could see it unleashing its wrath in her mind. 

“I want to hear it, I do. But only if you want to tell me,” he said. 

She nodded but continued to stare off in the distance - her thoughts trapped in a different time, a different place. 

At first, she spoke in small, slow pieces - watching a movie with her parents, the sound of the alarm, the death of her father. But then it came out in torrents, every detail pouring out of her like a broken dam - one built so many years ago that now crumbled under the rush of her words. The gleam of her mother’s horseshoe sapphire necklace, the ash-filled sky that burned her lungs as she fled with her sister, the sound of screaming, a bullet through her shoulder, and how none of it compared to the agony of looking into her sister’s lifeless eyes.  

His heart beat loudly in his chest as it struggled against the weight of her story and the painful expression she wore. 

“I didn’t know you had a sister,” he whispered after he was sure she was done.

She threw her head back, fighting tears that stubbornly formed a gloss over her eyes. “She was perfect, Kaidan. She was so…good and kind and brave.” She hung her head. “So much better than I ever was.”

“I’m sorry, Shepard.” The words felt inadequate, useless. 

She sniffled and wiped a tear from her eye. “I should not be doing this in front of you,” she said with a huff of laughter. 

“Do what? Be human?” 

She turned to face him, her eyes lighter, the pain beginning to subside. “You know I’ve never told anyone that story.”

He fought hard to keep a neutral composure though this tingling feeling was spreading throughout his body. Why she chose him of all people to tell her story to, her raw and heartbreaking story, was something he wasn’t sure he’d ever understand. 

“Well how about this, tomorrow you can put your scary Commander mask back on, but tonight we can just be Kaidan and Emilia?”

A crooked smile spread across her face. “I’d like that.”

He moved to lay on his back and clasped his hands behind his head, taking a deep breath in. He could make a million comments about the terrible things she just told him, he wanted to, but he had a feeling that what she needed was for him to just listen. 

She laid down next to him, adjusting her body so that they were a comfortable distance apart.  

“I’ve never been back,” she whispered after a few moments. She cleared the unsteadiness in her voice. “There’s a memorial or a museum or something there now. They’ve invited me but -” her voice trailed off. 

“I don’t blame you. Do you want to go back?”

He heard the blanket shuffle under her weight as she turned to look at him. Slowly, he shifted onto his side and returned her contemplative stare, their faces not too close together, but enough to see those lightning bolts glowing in the night. 

“I don’t know. Part of me feels like I need to, and part of me feels like I might not survive if I ever have to set foot there again. Is that terrible?” she asked, turning her focus back up at the stars. 

He stayed watching her - the light freckles on her cheeks, her long eyelashes, the glimmer of the moonlight picking up the red reflection of her hair. “I think that’s a perfectly normal way to feel,” he said. 

She snorted. “Nothing I’ve ever done or felt has been normal.”

He spread his hands above him dramatically. “I can see the headlines now - Emilia Shepard, the first human spectre, battles with the feeling of adequacy.” 

She laughed and playfully shoved his shoulder. The sound heated his blood and pulsed through his nerves.  

They lay in comfortable silence commenting now and then on a shooting star, but mostly each enjoying the company of the other. Eventually, she slowly stood up and offered her hand to help him. He took it and passively smoothed his pants. 

“It was fun being Kaidan and Emilia,” she said.

“We can do it again,” he said, hoping not to sound too eager.

She folded her arms and frowned. “Do you really think I’m scary?”

He chuckled as they walked back to their camp. “Only a little.”

Chapter Text

He bodily slammed into her, knocking her down as the blockade took the brunt of the geth shock trooper’s aim. Her kinetic shield that was barely holding on crackled under the pressure and her lungs exploded. Nothing prepared her for the force of a krogan’s full weight. 

“Sorry, Shepard,” he grunted.

“For saving my life? Careful Wrex, you’ll hurt my feelings.”

He grinned at her. “I didn’t know you had those.”

The Commander leaned over and shot out the light that illuminated the geth’s head and vaulted over the blockade. She unleashed a flurry of blue energy into the machine and was pleased to hear the warp of metal as it slumped to the ground. For all the horror they caused, there was something utterly satisfying about killing geth. She’d never admit it to anyone, but she was having fun. Unfortunately, their existence came at the cost of thousands of lives. That thought soured the first one. 

“Commander, I’m picking up some strange readings,” Tali said.

They had been down here for the better part of the day. She knew the colonists referred to this area as ‘the tunnels’ because they connected small underground rooms through large open hallways, but this was a sewer and the smell fit it perfectly. Despite her temperature-regulated hardsuit, she felt slimy after spending all day in this damp, dark maze. 

Shepard was grateful Tali wanted to come along. She felt confident in her own skills to fix a busted pipe, but this was beyond that. The whole filtration system had been short-circuited, needed rerouting, and a new software download to boot. Watching the quarian’s fingers furiously typing away at the interface had looked like sorcery to Shepard. She did not do well with computers and codes, but Tali laughed when she expressed gratitude. Clearly, it was a simple task. Wrex had just shrugged. Shepard had a feeling that he shared her dislike for numbers. 

“Well, we’re down here, we may as well investigate,” Shepard said. She motioned for Tali to move in front of her, “lead the way.”

There hadn’t been a lot of geth down here, but it was enough to have her on edge. Like a predator, her hearing was heightened, just waiting for one wrong move to give her prey away. The last few weeks had been rough for her. After Eden Prime, all she wanted to do was hunt down Saren, but they had spent so much time with the bureaucracy of the Council and running errands for the Alliance. Shepard hoped that being back in her element would allow her to breathe, but something was different. Being on the Normandy, being on this mission had changed things.

When she became an N7 everything in her life had shifted just the way she expected it to. The missions she went on became increasingly secretive making it harder to avoid a life of seclusion. She couldn’t even discuss certain things with her other friends in spec ops. That paired with her infamous past - one of the few survivors of the raid on Mindoir and the only survivor of Akuze. Somehow, without her permission, the universe had made her an icon in the Alliance.

Suddenly, everyone knew her name, but she had never felt more alone. It didn’t matter though, she was used to being alone. Used to changing squads after a few weeks and adjusting to a new team. Used to not having anyone to share the highest highs with or the lowest lows. It didn’t bother her because she could barely remember a time when it wasn’t that way. 

Now she was surrounded by alien companions who didn’t know her from any other human marine. She didn’t have to be the Alliance’s poster child or the perfect soldier, she could be anyone - she could be Shepard if she wanted. Whoever that was.

 And then there was Alenko - he had completely thrown her for a loop. She wasn’t sure why she had bared her soul to him last night, but since then she somehow felt lighter. That was dangerous territory though, she knew she had to be careful where she stepped. Denying he was attractive was futile, but she was his superior, and if there was one thing she respected it was an uncomplicated chain of command. Yet, something about him was so intriguing to her. Maybe it was the fact that he was great at his job, respected the hell out of her, but wasn’t afraid to tell her when he thought she was making the wrong decision. Something was refreshing about that.

They came upon a narrow hallway and the hair on the back of her neck made itself known, throwing her out of her reverie. Shepard reached out to stop Tali from going forward, instead, pushing herself to the front. “Stay here,” she told her.

Shepard motioned for Wrex to follow her and inched into the long and empty hallway. Rafters hung above them - a scaffolding for the once magnificent prothean city that now lay in ruins. Her shotgun rested on her shoulder blade, her finger snuggled up to the trigger. She could hear the sound of Wrex’s heavy feet barely touching the floor. For a two hundred kilo creature, he could be awfully quiet. 

Despite the lack of heat signatures on her HUD a beam of candy red light lit up her shoulder. Within seconds she leaned behind a support column and avoided the sniper shot that echoed off the granite column with a resounding crack. Two geth had appeared in the rafters above. She attempted to biotically throw them, but they were well covered. Wrex was busy dealing with another krogan that had come barreling down the hallway. Shepard took two shots but missed both geth. Tali had come up behind her and was messing with her omni-tool. Shepard dodged another sniper shot as she tried to take out a second krogan that had come down the hallway.

“Please tell me you’re taking care of this!” she shouted to Tali.

“Just one more second…” Tali murmured. 

Shepard looked up when she heard her squeal with excitement. The two geth had turned on each other and within a few seconds one was dead and the other was seriously injured. 

“Shield me!” Tali said.

Shepard threw up a barrier and stood in front of Tali while she overcharged the main core of the remaining geth. It was good timing because a third krogan had appeared. Wrex had killed one, but Shepard could see his shields were down and he had taken significant damage. She ran down the hallway and threw one of the krogan into the wall. Wrex pulled up his barrier and Tali helped him take out the second one. The last krogan rebounded from Shepard’s attack quickly and bulldozed her, knocking her to the ground. Her head smacked against the ancient concrete as her teeth sunk into her lower lip. Dazed, she was incapable of stopping him as he lifted her off the ground. She felt the impact of her body against the floor one more time before everything went black. 

=========

When she came to she could hear her teammates arguing. “She needs to go back to camp!”

“She’ll be fine. She just needs a few minutes.” Wrex said in a lazy tone. 

Shepard’s eyes fluttered open. The metallic tang of blood filled her mouth and she quickly ripped off her helmet. She spat thick red globs onto the floor in front of her and closed her eyes against the blinding pain in her head. 

“Shepard!” Tali sang.

“See,” Wrex mumbled. 

Shepard clenched her eyes shut for a few moments before slowly opening them and carefully pressing the buttons on her omni-tool that would release medi-gel and pain killers into her system. A few agonizing seconds later, relief flooded her. She removed a water satchel from the compartment in her armor and cleared her mouth of the dried blood. 

“How’s everyone doing?” she asked.

“I’m fine, you and Wrex took the brunt of the damage,” Tali said as she tried to clean an open wound on Wrex’s head. He gently pushed her away. 

Shepard took a sip of water. “What about the signal?” 

Tali looked at her, confused, and then seemed to remember why they came down this way in the first place. “I think it’s coming from over there.” She pointed to an alcove on the opposite side of the room. 

The Commander braced her weight against the wall she was leaning on and stumbled over to the alcove. A tall signal amplifier rotated atop a thin metal box. She heard Tali come up behind her. 

“This must be what is signaling the geth to attack the colony,” Tali whispered.

Shepard didn’t need to be told twice. She took out her shotgun and fired until the amplifier lay in pieces on the ground. Sparks of electricity exploded from the box. The sound of gunfire rattled around in her mind with sickening force.

“Hopefully that solves one problem,” she said in a dead voice. 

She went back into the room and stood in front of Wrex. She had seen him wearing down while fighting the other krogan, but looking at his vitals now - everything was normal. Even the gash on his head was beginning to heal astonishingly quickly.

Must be nice to have multiples of all your organs, she thought. “We just have to find the varren and then we can head back to camp. It’s late, are you up for it?” she asked her team.

“Up for it? Shepard, I’m bored.” Wrex said.

“I just drank an energy drink, so I’m ready to go!” Tali said. 

Shepard nodded. Her headache was starting to subside and the medi-gel had stopped her lip from bleeding. 

They headed further into the tunnels where they came across a few more geth. They had no problem taking them out, especially with Tali’s new skill that confused the geth’s friend or foe coding. It was a mile later that Wrex stopped in his tracks.

“I smell them,” he said, a vicious smile spreading across his face.

The three of them slipped through a corridor and stumbled upon six varren feeding on an unidentifiable carcass. The room smelled like rotting meat and fuel. A rover lay in a broken heap on one side of the room. Wrex ran into the room like a kid in a candy shop. The varren sprinted toward him but were quickly made into a pile of limbs and meat. 

Shepard and Tali stood as far away as possible.

“He’s having way too much fun,” Shepard said.

“It’s really not fair to the varren,” Tali laughed. 

“Is that an M29 Grizzly?” Shepard wondered out loud. She and Tali ran over to the overturned vehicle.

“Shepard, I think the mako is in better condition,” Tali teased. 

Shepard crawled into the decaying machine. “Tali, do you think you can disconnect these power cells? Maybe the colony can use them!”

Tali looked at the vehicle with skepticism. “I can try, but I’m not making any promises.”

A few hours later they walked away with twenty pounds of varren meat and four power cells. 

“Good hunting!” Wrex boomed as walked back to the camp

========

It was late as they headed back from the tunnels. Most of the colonists and the Normandy team had fallen asleep, but Alenko and Williams were up and chatting when they approached the camp. 

“You’re back!” Williams said jumping out of her seat to help Wrex. 

“Everything okay?” Alenko asked as they approached them. 

“Just a couple of krogan, nothing I can’t handle,” she joked. She didn’t know how bad her lip looked, but she could feel the swelling. 

“Krogan?” Williams said bewildered.

“Let me get you some ice,” Alenko said.

She collapsed into a fold-out chair and let out a big sigh. “Yeah, they’re everywhere we go. Who knew Saren was hiring mercenaries?”

“They're not mercenaries,” Wrex said.

“Then what are they?” Shepard asked, slipping her armor off.

“I don’t know, but they don’t fight like mercenaries. They fight like children. Anyway, I’m going to bed,” Wrex said and walked away without another word. 

Shepard shrugged. She had met plenty of mercenaries that had zero combat skills. Where else would he be getting krogan from?

Williams finished putting away the varren meat and sat back down in her chair. “How was it?” she asked with a hint of jealousy. 

Shepard tore open an energy bar and ate it in two bites. “Long,” she mumbled. 

“The water came on pretty quickly, so we got a little worried when you guys still hadn’t come back,” Alenko said, handing her an icepack. 

Shepard held it to her lip, wincing at the cold shock against bruised tissue. “We found a geth transmitter. It was being guarded by two geth and three krogan.” She closed her eyes and leaned back. “It slowed us down a little,” she said smiling.

“You want some real food, Skipper? Garrus made this amazing varren chili,” Williams offered. Shepard gave her a disgusted look. “I know, I know…I was skeptical at first too, but it's actually delicious!” Williams ran to get her a bowl. 

Shepard looked at Alenko and he just shrugged. “It’s pretty good.”

“You know I’ll eat just about anything,” she said accepting the bowl from Williams. 

It was good. She had no idea Garrus liked or even knew how to cook though somehow it didn’t surprise her. She’d have to remember to give him her compliments later. 

“Everything stay normal here? Well as normal as it could be?” She placed the bowl down in front of her and resumed icing her lip. Her warm breath, trapped by the frozen pack cooled against her lips. 

Williams rolled her eyes dramatically. “So boring.”

Alenko shot her a look of disapproval. “We were able to get a little more information about the bridge.” He pulled open a screen on his omni-tool. “There are three geth dropships in the area. Each one deploys about three armored units and four geth per drop. As long as we’re in the Mako and we go slow, we shouldn’t get too overwhelmed.”

“And the ship near the research center?” 

“A bigger command ship. We think that it’s the main base for this attack.” He closed his omni-tool and looked at Shepard. “If we can take it out and clear them from the area, I don’t think they’ll come back,” he said.

Shepard looked between them. “And still no word on why Saren came here in the first place?”

Williams fiddled with her hands. “No ma’am.”

Shepard sighed. “Let’s hope we find something in there.”

Williams got up and stretched. “Glad you’re back Commander. I’m going to go get some rest.”

They both said goodnight to Williams. As soon as she was gone Alenko began reading the book he had next to him. It was the same book he had in the medbay after Eden Prime, Dune. She remembered because she liked the cover, the way the black sky was illuminated by multiple moons. The cover was worn and the pages looked soft under the glow of the lamp, but she could tell it had been well taken care of.

“Is it any good?” she asked. 

He looked up and flipped the cover over as if he wasn’t sure what book he was reading. “It’s my favorite. I read it once a year…kind of a long story.”

She remembered his stunning academic record from his personnel file. She guessed he probably read a lot. On Mindoir she loved to read. Her dad stocked their house with all types of books and she had slowly been working her way through them. When she was forced out, she left that hobby along with everything else. 

“What’s it about?” she asked.

He smiled as if remembering an old joke. “It’s about a boy, a duke’s son. He’s fifteen when his family is moved from a lush, green planet to one that is all sand and desert. His father is murdered by people who want to gain power and he and his mother go into hiding. It turns out that Paul, the boy, is brilliant and talented with the gift of sight. The indigenous people on the planet see him as a prophet and help him in his journey to take back the planet for his family.”

He looked at the book fondly. “It’s really magical. The author was regarded as the father of science fiction in some respects. I mean the book is two hundred years old or more.” 

Shepard just nodded. It didn’t really seem like her thing, but she wasn’t surprised it was Kaidan’s. He seemed exactly like the kind of guy who would read century-old science fiction. Something she found - charming. 

Pulled from his thoughts he became self-conscious. “I read it for the first time at Brain Camp. One of my friends lent it to me. I think I keep reading it for the nostalgia factor.”

This piqued her interest. She had so many questions about Brain Camp, but it was clearly a sensitive subject. “Are you still friends with a lot of those people?” She asked, testing the waters.

He shook his head. “No, just one. The person who gave me this book actually.” He closed the book and put it to the side. “This may come as a shock to you,” he said with sarcasm, “but I haven’t always been the most popular kid.”

She giggled and he smiled. “Brain Camp wasn’t much different. I mean we were all there because everyone else saw us as freaks, but even a bunch of biotic teenagers still have cliques. That and, you might be friends with someone one day and then they’re dead the next.” He shrugged. “I’ve always been better at maintaining a few close relationships.”

Shepard chuckled under her breath and then quickly covered her mouth.

Kaidan furrowed his brow. “What?”

“I’m not trying to make light of what sounds like a truly horrible situation, but a bunch of teenagers all trapped together on a space station sounds like the makings for the cheesiest teen drama of all time. I mean you must have found a lot of ways to occupy the time.” She arched her eyebrows.

He gave her a quizzical look. “I’m not really that kind of guy, Shepard. I mean, not lightly anyway.”

Her cheeks flushed, she had taken it too far. “Sorry, that was insensitive of me - sometimes it’s like I have no filter.” A sheepish smile spread across her face.

He laughed at her clear discomfort, “I mean you’re not entirely wrong. There was a girl I spent a lot of time with, Rahna-,” he paused. “We kept our clothes on though. I think we made out once.”

Shepard was back to her smug self without missing a beat. “I’m sure that was all, Lieutenant - I can see you blushing, you know.”

“You know what?” He threw his hands up in surrender. “I don’t know why I’m trying to convince you otherwise. If you want to think I was just as suave and charming at seventeen as I am now go right ahead.” 

She looked at him seriously for a second and then burst into laughter.

He joined her. “Hey! You don’t have to laugh that hard!”

Shepard composed herself. “I’m sorry, Alenko. I believe you now - that you never took your clothes off.” She gave him a shit-eating grin. 

He rolled his eyes dramatically and stood up. “Alright, I’m going to bed.”

Without thinking she grabbed his arm, her fingers wrapped lightly around his wrist. She could feel the warmth of his skin burn into her hand, cold from holding the ice pack. He looked as surprised by the gesture as she felt. 

She smiled at him genuinely, her blue eyes sparkling with laughter. “Wait, tell me about her. About Rahna.”

Chapter Text

The light hum of the ship’s electricity was home to him now. He had always loved flying, loved it more than anything else in the world, but the Normandy was more than he could have ever dreamed. Some pilots liked an easy ship where the VI did most of the work and your job was mostly sitting back and enjoying the view. The Normandy was nothing like that and that’s what Joker loved about her. 

It wasn’t just how fast or how powerful she was; those things were great. It was the amount of focus it took to get the balance just right. It was the work he had to put in to make sure that where his fingers ended, the Normandy began without a hint of transition. He liked the challenge. Sure she was functional in the hands of one of the other helmsmen but no one could produce stats like he could. The Normandy was the most beautiful dance partner in the galaxy and the black backdrop of space was their dance floor. 

That was why sitting here in the docking bay of Feros day after day was slowly killing him. There wasn’t much for a crippled pilot to do on a mission like this. After his jaunt around Feros a few days ago, he mostly sat around the cockpit. First, he adjusted the settings on his pilot’s chair until they were nearly perfect, never getting it quite right. The Alliance didn’t exactly shell out for leather reclining seats. The next task was going through the engine mechanics - not as glorious as flying, but still an important part of his job. He preferred to do things on pure intuition, but as long as he had the time, he might as well become familiar with everything about his ship. 

“Yuck, it’s like you live in here,” Helmsman Rahman said as she sat down in the co-pilot seat. 

“I do live in here,” Joker reminded her. 

“Well, you shouldn’t. You’re not the only one who has to be up here for hours on end,” she said.

This was the final task he had been holding off - cleaning up the bridge. The other helmsman, Rahman, and Barret saw this position as most would - a job. Joker found that flying the Normandy was more of a lifestyle choice. As long as he was on this ship, which he planned on being forever, he wasn’t leaving the cockpit unless he had to. 

He raised his eyebrows. “Now, is that really how you speak to a superior officer?”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh please, like you care about formalities. I haven’t seen you so much as salute the Commander since we’ve been on this ship.”

He laughed. It was true, he didn’t care how she spoke to him as long as it wasn’t blatantly disrespectful. But looking around at the overflowing trash compartment and bottles in every cup holder imaginable - she was right, this was getting kind of ridiculous. The only thing in impeccable condition was his control panel. As a rule, he was the only one allowed to drink something other than water on the bridge. 

He stood up, making more of a scene than it needed to be. He had no problem reminding people of his condition. Vrolik’s Syndrome was brutal and it never got any easier. Even though he’d broken his bones a thousand times, it still hurt just as bad on time one thousand and one. He braced himself against the chair and let out a big sigh before slowly picking up two bottles. 

She arched one eyebrow at him. “Fine! I’ll help you!”

In a quick motion - one worthy of his envy - she removed the trash liner from the bin and walked a few paces past the bridge. There was a receptacle there that took any waste down to the compost area of the cargo bay. Prior to frequent space travel, there was always a concern about what to do with waste. The simple solution was to make everything compostable. It pretty much already was thanks to a radical movement in the immediate post-second civil war era, but it was one of the first things the Alliance implemented in its ships. No one needed to be lugging around hundreds of kilos of trash from one cluster to the next. It was this close living receptacle that made his habit of keeping garbage around even more embarrassing. 

He hurried up the cleaning, he really didn’t want her help. She came back and made a move to grab one of the energy bar wrappers that had fallen to the floor. 

He leaned down. “Don’t! I got it.”

She gave him a smug look, but years of practice reading people told him that she was slightly concerned. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll do my best not to break anything,” he teased.

She made a sound of contentment and sat back down in her chair. In triple the time it took her to throw away one thing he finished cleaning the few scraps of trash around his seat. It wasn’t just his bones that were fragile, it was everything about him. Since he couldn’t exercise or even walk around like a normal person his muscles were atrophied and weak from the constant sitting around. That was why Doctor Chawkwas was insistent on him getting up every twenty minutes to move around. He told her she’d have better luck getting Wrex to become a vegetarian. 

He sat back into the chair that had conformed to his body and pulled out his data pad to peruse the extranet. Rahman had done the same. He looked over at her as she mindlessly scrolled through whatever interesting information there was today. In the bridge’s dim light her deep dark brown hair looked black as it fell just below her shoulders. The color matched her thinly shaped eyebrows and accentuated her russet-colored skin. He liked Mandira Rahman. She was the type of person that didn’t mind sitting in silence unlike the other helmsman, Barret,  who filled any space with conversation - no regard for the willingness of participants. 

“What was your posting before this?” he asked.

She looked up from her data pad and blushed. “I actually just finished my specialty training.”

That surprised him. He didn’t think Anderson would have picked someone so green for a mission like this…though he supposed no one knew what this mission would become. But Rahman was good, not as good as he was, but really great for someone with her experience level - or lack thereof. 

“Oh don’t give me that look,” she whined.

“What look?” 

“That look.” She pointed at him. “The one that says ‘isn’t she a little young for this job?’” she said in a mockingly deep tone. 

He raised his hands in surrender. “Look, no judgment. I’m just -,” he lowered his voice, “impressed.”

She arched her eyebrows and leaned in close to him. “What was that?”

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Oh come on! Did the great Jeff Moreau just say he was impressed with me?” She grinned wildly. 

He crossed his arms. “Just for your level of experience, let’s not get carried away.”

She laughed, her brown eyes reflecting the orange glow of the controls. “I promise, I won’t tell Barret.”

Joker grimaced. “Oh please, that guy? He couldn’t make a Mako drop onto the plains of Nebraska without -” 

He paused looking through the canopy that overlocked the docking bay. A group of marines and aliens were running quickly toward the ship. It appeared as though Garrus and Williams were carrying someone who was injured. The colonists were following them closely, shooting haphazardly at the marines.

“What the hell!” he shouted. 

He reached for the controls to make sure the airlock was open just as Williams called back. “Joker, open the airlock now!”

“Already on it, Chief!” He responded.

Rahman was flipping through the HUD. “The Commander’s comm signal is off, what is happening?”

Joker sent an emergency page to Pressly. “We thought that might happen once she got far enough on the sky bridge, try her anyway - try Alenko and Tali, and…well, Wrex will never answer.”

Joker heard the familiar voice of the VI announcing the decontamination process. Then sound exploded as the doors opened.

“Take him to Chawkwas!” Garrus commanded. “Williams is that everyone?”

She counted everyone’s heads silently as they filed in. “Yes, sir.”

“Joker, close the airlock!” Garrus said as he entered the cockpit. 

Joker, still utterly confused, put up all security measures to lock up the ship. He could hear bullets ping off the shiny new metal that encased his most precious companion. 

He pulled up the weapons system. “Bastards are shooting my baby!” 

Garrus put a firm hand on his shoulder and Joker braced himself for a crack, but luckily nothing broke. “These are civilians, Joker! What are you thinking!”

“I’m thinking that if they damage her, they’ll soon become the enemy,” Joker growled, but he closed down the program. 

“Status report,” Pressly said as he appeared in the crowded space.

“We were just doing routine patrol when all of a sudden the colonist snapped,” Garrus said.

“They began shooting at us with no prompt, sir,” Williams said.

Pressly furrowed his brow. “And the Commander?”

“Still unreachable, sir. I’ve tried every squadmate and the Mako as well,” Rahman said. 

“Any casualties?” he asked.

“They shot Bakari, sir, but I believe everyone else is unharmed. Bakari should be in the medbay by now,” Williams reported.

“And the colonists?” Pressly asked.

Williams snorted. “What about the colonists?”

Garrus shot her a look of reproach which she threw right back at him. “No casualties amongst the colonists, not from us at least,” he said.

“What the fuck changed?” Joker asked.

Pressly gave him a chastising look but held off on scolding him. “Keep trying the Commander, we’re bound to get a hold of her eventually. If in six hours there’s no response I have orders to leave.”

“What!” they all yelled in unison.

Pressly gave them a scowl. “You heard me. The Commander gave those orders yesterday before she left. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to check on Bakari. Please let me know of any status changes.” 

Joker turned to Rahman. “You take Tali and Wrex. I’ll keep trying to reach the Commander and Alenko. I am not leaving anyone behind.”

The colonists continued their hammering strikes against the Normandy . Each attempt made Joker wince. His patience was wearing thin, who were these people to them anyway? Williams paced loudly in the back.

“Don’t you have anywhere else to be?” he snapped, ruder than he intended.

He felt her hands grip the back of his seat. “No, I don’t Joker,” she grumbled.

Perhaps in an attempt to take their minds off things or perhaps because he was truly curious, Garrus asked, “Williams, can you run me through the details of Shepard’s mission?”

The tension on his chair persisted for a few moments and then released. He watched her in his periphery take a seat. 

Her voice came out tired. “The Exogeni research facility is supposed to be the main base for the geth. There’s a sky bridge spanning about twenty kilometers with geth units the whole way down. The plan was to cross the bridge and clear the geth base. Hopefully, they’ll also find what Saren came here for.”

“That could take days. Why would Shepard tell Pressly to get out of here after six hours?” Liara asked.

“Maybe it’s six hours after shit hits the fan,” Rahman said.

Joker liked Shepard. He liked her more than most commanding officers he’d ever had. She tolerated his bullshit with a smile on her face and even gave him an occasional laugh. Over the last few weeks, he had come to regard her as a friend. The galaxy needed her to stop Saren, but the Normandy needed her for reasons beyond that. Her presence, however short, had made an impact on all of them. 

The hours passed slowly as the drumming on the Normandy continued. He wondered why they hadn’t gotten tired yet. The colonists seemed to have turned into mindless zombies, just hoping for some brains. He imagined the huge dents they were creating in the side of the ship and felt nauseous. 

He held down the communication line for what felt like the millionth time. “Normandy to shore party, I repeat Normandy to shore party.” 

The usual silence passed and he became desperate. “Anyone there? Normandy to shore party, come on Commander…talk to me please.”

“Joker, can you hear me?” her voice crackled through.

Everyone sat up; even Liara who had fallen asleep.

Joker let out a breath he had been holding onto for four hours. “I can hear you. We’re in lockdown Commander, something happened to the colonists. They’ve lost it. They’re banging on the hull, trying to claw their way inside the ship. It’s insanity over here.”

She sounded calm like she had just walked out of a spa - it infuriated him. “Just sit tight. They can’t do any real damage. Hold your position, we’re headed back now.”

“Sure…we’ll just wait right here for you Commander,” he said.

“Communication lines should be open now, let me know if anything changes.”

“Will do, Joker out.”

“Wow, no comments layered with sarcasm?” Rahman asked. 

He shook his head, he didn’t get paid enough for this.

Chapter Text

He thought he’d get used to the smell after the first hour, but four hours later, the stink of death remained. It permeated every orifice of his body and in his mind, he knew a thousand showers wouldn’t cleanse him from the stench or the memory. The Thorian towered over them as they climbed higher and higher. He paced himself watching everyone’s vitals in his HUD. It had been a long journey to get to this point and there was no indication it would get any easier. Every time they thought they had made progress on taking the ancient sentient plant down it produced more thralls and more brainwashed asari for them to attack. 

Kaidan’s armor was weakening from the acid-like vomitus that the thralls produced. Shepard seemed to be having a similar problem with this. Her invasive combat style that usually took an enemy by surprise was not a match for these mindless creatures. Kaidan watched as her blood sugar dropped and he knew it wasn’t just from the overuse of her biotics. Her armor readings showed significant damage and he could bet she had the burns to prove it. If he hadn’t been checking, he wouldn’t have noticed - she didn’t slow down. 

They had just cleared out more thralls when Tali fell short behind them. Kaidan quickly ran to her side.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Suit tear,” she mumbled as she fussed with her omni-tool.

Tali wasn’t the only one, most of them had significant damage to their armor. It happened within the first hour when the attacks took them by surprise. Over time they had become a more cohesive team with Shepard upfront and Tali in the back. Kaidan looked at Wrex smiling and was pretty sure that this was the happy place he went to when things got dark. A suit tear for anyone of them would be inconvenient, but for Tali it was deadly. 

She quickly sealed the gap and flooded her system with antibiotics. Her breathing was ragged as it filtered through her suit’s respirator. Kaidan checked her vitals - she had a fever already. He didn’t know much about quarian physiology, but he imagined that she was hitting her limit. Tali could disarm half a dozen geth in under thirty seconds. She was a fairly decent shot, but she wasn’t a combat marine.

Shepard briskly walked over. “We really don’t have time to stop. Tali, can you push through a little longer?” 

“Shepard, she’s pretty sick,” Kaidan said.

Tali groaned and pushed herself up. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me, Commander.”

Shepard gave them a weak smile. “We’re almost there, I can feel it.”

“Shepard, maybe you should eat something,” Kaidan offered her an energy bar.

“I’m fine. Let’s go,” she said before walking through the next room.

He guessed asking to look at her wounds was out of the question. 

As they walked through the mass of rubble he flushed his suit with oxygen again. The smell was migraine-inducing and he couldn’t blame the commander for not wanting to eat. The group of thralls awakened by their footsteps flooded toward them. With her shotgun, Shepard knocked them down as Kaidan and Wrex dispersed the rest of them back. They were incredibly strong - rotting corpses that had been turned into pure muscle and brute force, just like the husks. 

Shepard stumbled over a piece of rock and fell forward. A group of thralls ran toward her as she scrambled up, her energy waning. She biotically threw some of them back, but weak as she was, she only took out a few of them. Kaidan lifted the group in the air and without hesitation, she overheated her shotgun as they flew past her. With the immediate danger taken care of, she slumped back against her elbows to catch her breath. Kaidan walked over to her and helped her up. 

“You’re going to teach me how to do that,” she panted.

“Let’s focus on getting out of here first.” He shoved the energy bar in her face. “Come on, this is kind of my job.”

Shepard reluctantly took it and removed her helmet for a few seconds to shove it in her mouth. She made a gagging sound, “Ugh the air is even worse than I thought.”

He took that second to scan her. Her armor was melted through in multiple places, but without a closer look, he couldn’t tell how severe the burns were. Based on the few he had on himself he guessed she was in a significant amount of pain and probably at risk for an infection. He dug in his armor’s storage compartment and produced a vial. 

“This too,” he demanded as he shoved the antibiotic toward her. 

She rolled her eyes but took the vial. He watched her open the chamber of her armor and fit the vial into its spot. A microneedle would slowly release it over the next five minutes. He smiled at her, triumphant.

She crinkled her nose at him, “Happy?” 

Looking at her vitals improve and that twinkle in her eye return, he was. “Ecstatic.”

========

Kaidan watched the asari’s eyes go black as she placed her fingers on Shepard’s temples. The commander went rigid and Kaidan’s heart rate increased. A few seconds that felt more like hours passed before her eyelids fluttered open and a dazed looked passed over her.

“It will take time for the cipher to make sense of the visions from the beacon,” the asari, Shiala, said. 

Kaidan just stared at Shepard whose eyes opened and closed slowly. He instinctively took a step forward and caught her before she crumpled under her own weight. Her eyes rolled around wildly behind closed lids.

“Shepard!” Tali shouted. 

“She’ll be okay, she just needs rest!” Shiala called out as Kaidan carried her over to a clear spot on the floor. 

“Can it, Asari,” Wrex grunted. 

Kaidan didn’t speak while he placed Shepard gently against the wall. Her eyes flew open and looked around with unfocused, wild panic. 

She clawed at his arms, trying to get up, but he held her down. “We-we have to save them…all those people! Help them!” 

She looked afraid - an expression so unfamiliar that he almost let go. Despite her weakened state, she was powerful and he struggled to keep her sitting.

Kaidan spoke over her desperate pleas in a hushed voice. “Shepard, it’s me - Kaidan. And Tali and Wrex. You’re safe, nothing bad is happening.” Her muscles tightened, but she stopped scrambling. “Emilia, it’s okay.”

She stopped fighting, her body becoming flaccid. Her eyes closed and then opened slowly. This time they were more centered - searching for something and finding him. Her breathing was heavy with effort and her face was still contorted into a painful grimace. Messy strands of hair covered her face as her normally tight bun began to fall apart. His heart felt like someone had flattened it with a rolling pin. 

“Can you see me?” he whispered.

Tali and Wrex hovered over him, watching in anticipation. Shiala paced nervously in the background. 

Shepard kept her eyes locked on his and nodded her head solemnly. For a split second, he could see her - not as Commander Shepard, but as the little girl on Mindoir - the one who had lost everything. 

“I don’t want to see it again,” she said so quietly only he could hear it. 

Against his better judgment, he moved a strand of hair behind her ear. It was a gesture that was all too intimate. Looking into her blue eyes, dull from the exhaustion, he felt helpless. More than anything he wanted to tell her everything was going to be okay, but he couldn’t lie to her - not now, not ever.

“Let’s get you back to the Normandy.” He stood up and gave her his hand. “Can you walk?”

With his assistance she pulled herself up and shook out her hair, running her fingers through it. The color began to return to her face and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Shiala walked over cautiously. Kaidan had to stop himself from blocking her from coming any closer. Instead, he settled for glowering at Shepard’s side. 

Shepard cleared her throat and looked at Shiala. “What will you do now?” 

Shiala fidgeted with her hands. “If you’ll allow it, I’d like to stay here and help the colonists rebuild. It is the least I can do after all the harm I’ve caused.”

“It’s not like it was intentional,” Tali said.

“The colonists will need all the help they can get. What you do with your life is not my decision to make,” Shepard said. 

“Can we leave this place already?” Wrex asked.

Shepard half-heartedly laughed. “Yeah, I really need a shower.”

========

When they left the Thorian’s lair behind it was twilight. The commander gathered the dirtied and confused colonists and explained the events over the last few days. 

The Normandy had it broadcasted over the now clear comm channel. At first, they were horrified, and then they were angry, demanding vengeance and retribution. Shepard made it clear that anyone who knew about the Thorian’s existence or the experiments going on was long dead. Kaidan didn’t envy the position she had to be in, but she wore responsibility well and if he hadn’t seen her so lost moments before he might have missed just how heavy the mantle of leadership weighed on her. Shepard let them know about the relief they would leave behind while the colonists waited for ExoGeni to send more, but she didn’t have any answers on how they would recover from the tragedy of the last few weeks. They walked back to the Normandy in silence. 

For Kaidan, Shepard, Wrex, and Tali the last few days felt like a win just as much as a loss. Kaidan began to feel the migraine coming on more powerfully as his adrenaline wore off. 

“You didn’t tell them about Lizbeth,” Tali said. 

Shepard stopped walking. “I lost a little faith in humanity over the last few days. Lizbeth was trying to do the right thing even if she didn’t go about it in the right way. Forgiving her, watching her have to change her whole life to make up for the damage she caused, gave me a little bit of it back.”

They were greeted by the Normandy team with cheers and high-fives. Everyone was happy to leave Feros, Kaidan included. He headed straight for the medbay, just in time for his vision to double and the lights to feel like sparks of fire. He stumbled into the stairwell, pausing to grip the banister and willing himself to not throw up. Kaidan felt the weight of his body decrease and something warm slide in next to him. Shepard put his arm around her shoulder and helped him down the stairs to the medbay doors.

“Thanks,” he managed to choke out.

“It’s kind of my job,” she teased, using the same line he said to her. “Brace yourself for the Doctor Chawkwas onslaught.” 

He tried to laugh, but all that came out was a groan of pain. 

“Shepard! Bring him over here,” Doctor Chawkwas said. 

Shepard moved him gently to the bed and then their talking began to sound more like screaming. He covered his ears and let out a pathetic whine. 

“Here, Kaidan.” A painful prick and then a sudden wash of relief settled over him. His head felt like thick soup, but it was heaven compared to the agony he had been experiencing moments before.

“He was fine until a few minutes ago!” Shepard argued. 

He could imagine Chawkwas shaking her head in admonishment. “Tali in here with a raging fever…and…just look at you, Emilia. It’s like you’re trying to send me into early retirement.” 

Shepard laughed somewhere far away. “At least I brought them all back in one piece.”

Their conversation began to disappear in the heavy haze of his analgesics. “Except you, there are literal pieces of you missing.”

Kaidan saw her face from earlier one last time - disoriented and panicked before meeting his gaze, a calmness spreading over her as she looked into his eyes. In his drug-induced stupor he promised himself he’d always be there to help her find her way back.

Chapter Text

“Distracted, Shepard?” Garrus asked.

She spun in his direction, defensive. “Why would you say that?”

He nodded toward the humanoid target printed on the barrier in front of her. The closest of her six shots was still inches from the target’s head. “This shouldn’t even be a challenge for you.”

She blushed. She was distracted - she had been thinking about Kaidan. Which was an absurd thing to even admit, but denying it didn’t change anything. “Yeah, I’ve just been thinking about the visions,” she lied.

And then she felt overwhelmingly guilty. The visions had been plaguing her. The only sleep she was getting was the desperate kind. The kind that happens when your body is too exhausted to function. 

It didn’t matter, she always woke up screaming anyway. There were so many other things to be worried about - stopping Saren, stopping the geth, preventing the galaxy from collapsing - yet here she was trying to sort through the feelings she thought she might have for her subordinate. She hoped that blushing was a human custom Garrus didn’t understand yet.

His expression changed to consideration. “The visions must be terrible, but Shepard, you shouldn’t be embarrassed by that.” 

Shit.

She put the shiny pistol back on the rack and sat down, sipping her water. “I can’t afford to have any distractions, it’s…irresponsible.”

He joined her on the bench. “It’s not like you have a choice, you’re only human.” He smiled at his use of the phrase.

That made her laugh. “Oh yeah? And I suppose your turian brain is free from distractions all the time?”

“About 99% of the time.”

“Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you didn’t have this job? No rules or the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders?” She wondered out loud.

“Are you serious?” he asked.

She turned to him, surprised. “Yeah…”

“That’s exactly what I was trying to tell you a few weeks ago and you jumped down my throat,” he said, shaking his head. “Humans,” he muttered. 

She remembered that night. She had been unfair to him because of her bad mood - Kaidan was so damn insistent on going after Burns and he had been 100% right. She raised her hands in surrender. “Okay, fine. We’re more similar than I thought.”

One side of his face raised. She imagined it was the equivalent of raising an eyebrow. “Are we still talking about your visions?”

She frowned. “Yes…no. Just forget I mentioned it.” She stood up and gathered her things from the lockers against the wall. 

“Look, Shepard. What’s that saying? You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.” He smiled at himself again. He was a quick learner, she’d give him that. “I think you can trust your moral compass and ‘break the rules’ now and then.”

She shook her head in defiance. “You’re a bad influence, Garrus Vakarian.”

He laughed and patted her on the back, “No, just a good friend. Now come on, I think the Normandy needs a restock of its medi-gel, and there’s a certain doctor who might give me a discount.” A sly smile spread across his face.

“Garrus! Are you seeing Doctor Michel?” She asked in astonishment.

He grunted. “She wishes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t reap the benefits of her human desires.”

Shepard let out a fake gagging noise. “Gross. Let’s go.”

He just laughed and led the way. As they left the shooting range and headed toward the med clinic Shepard thought about what he said. She wasn’t sure her moral compass always pointed north, but what she did know was that any feelings she felt for Kaidan were wrong. She should probably hold on to that. They could be friends, instead. They had to be. 

Garrus palmed at the door interface. “Hm, it’s locked.”

“That’s weird. I thought this clinic was always open,” she said reading the holoscreen on the door. 

She sifted through the information looking for the hours when she saw a name that looked familiar to her - Rahna Arsalan. Kaidan’s story about the girl on Jump Zero he was in love with came back to her. Well, he didn’t say he was in love with her, but she could tell by his inflection and the way he talked about her that it wasn’t just a simple crush. 

She stared at the name for longer - it was probably a coincidence. Surely in the whole galaxy, there must be more than one Rahna. Besides, what did it matter if it was the same woman? 

Friends, she aggressively reminded herself. Finally, she found what she was looking for.

“Yeah, they should be open,” she said to Garrus.

“Something feels wrong,” he muttered. 

She let out a half-laugh. “So what? You want to break in?”

He looked at her. Oh. That’s exactly what he wanted to do. “What does your moral compass say?” he asked.

What were the odds that something bad was happening in here for a second time? Surely this was just a misunderstanding.

“Leave me alone!” Doctor Michel shouted from the other side of the door. 

Shepard sighed, “Open it.”

Garrus quickly hacked into the security system and opened the doors. They stormed in to find Doctor Michel sitting on a chair, crying. The screen on the wall indicated a call had just ended. 

Great job, Shepard.

“Garrus, Commander Shepard,” Michel said in surprise. 

Shepard was beet red. “Sorry, we were just…we thought something might be happening.”

Garrus walked over to her. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, it’s nothing you should concern yourselves with, but thank you,” Michel said wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Maybe we could help,” Shepard offered. “Try me.”

Doctor Michel looked nervously between them. “Okay. You have to understand, I was only doing what I thought was right.”

Shepard nodded.

“I was fired by my previous employer for giving away free medical supplies to clinics in need. Clinics like this one,” she said gesturing around the room. “The hospital didn’t press charges, they just asked me to leave quietly. Now someone else has found out…they’re blackmailing me into giving them free medical supplies. If I don’t they’ll expose me to the board.”

“What you did was stealing, but it wasn’t like you were doing it maliciously,” Shepard said.

“It’s still stealing from a major medical institution. I could lose my license, lose my clinic. Even if I had good intentions, it was still against the law.” She hung her head in shame.

Stupid rules, Shepard thought childishly. “Maybe we can help. What do they want you to do?” 

“I was told to meet with a merchant named Morlan down in the lower markets. They want this order of medical supplies.” She handed Shepard a laundry list of items. She could guess that it was worth thousands of credits. 

“I’ll meet with this guy and settle this,” Shepard grumbled. Blackmail was a coward’s move and she wasn’t patient enough to deal with cowards today. 

“No, please! They’ll just expose me!” she pleaded in her velvety French accent.

“We have a way of being…persuasive,” Garrus said, fingering his weapon. 

Shepard glared at him. “We’re not killing anyone, but we’ll put a stop to this, I promise…just trust us.”

Doctor Michel gave her permission with a nod of the head. “You saved my life once.”

“We’ll be back when we have more information,” Shepard said and headed toward the door. She looked at Garrus who had a smug look on his face. “Easy, Garrus. We’re not breaking any rules.”

He smiled at her. “Yet.”

========

Wrex was waiting for them when they reached the lower markets, leaning up against the wall with his typical devilish grin. 

“Wrex,” she said in surprise. She narrowed her eyes. “Something tells me you're not here by coincidence.”

“Garrus told me we’re shaking down some thugs,” he said.

Shepard glared at Garrus. “Not quite.”

“What? He said he was bored,” Garrus said.

Wrex pushed off the wall. “Oh come on, Shepard. I’m really hoping to bust some heads.”

“No one is busting anyone’s head!” She rolled her eyes. “Fine, let’s go.”

Shepard, Wrex, and Garrus walked over to the kiosk with a brightly lit sign above it that read, Morlan’s Famous Shop.

A salarian salesman, presumably Morlan, stood on the other side of the counter. “Hello, human. You are looking for many good supplies, yes?”

Shepard leaned in uncomfortably close to him. “No, actually. I was told you’re expecting a shipment of medical supplies.”

The salarian took a step back, surprised. “But I was told that the doctor was coming to deliver the supplies…how could this…no…something isn’t right,” he stuttered. 

“Shut it, Morlan,” a krogan said appearing from the shop’s interior. “I told Banes you’d screw this up.” He looked at Shepard and her crew. “Who the hell are you?”

She gave him a tight-lipped smile. “Someone you really don’t want to mess with.”

The krogan laughed. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

Shepard pretended to think about it. “Let’s see. You’re threatening a well-respected doctor on the Citadel so that you can get free medical supplies. As a spectre I have a problem with that.”

“Jerax, she’s not a human you want on your bad side,” Wrex warned.

Shepard turned to look at him, giving him a smile. “One of your friends, Wrex?”

“Not someone I’d have a problem killing if that’s what you’re asking,” Wrex said with delight. 

It wasn’t, but that seemed to do the trick. 

“Whatever. Banes doesn’t pay me enough for this shit,” Jerax said and then walked out the back of the kiosk. 

Shepard glared at him as he left. This was a start, but it didn’t solve the problem. She’d have to go to the source. “Who is Banes?” she asked Morlan. 

“I don’t know!” he yelped.

Shepard loosened her grip from the kiosk bar. “Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you.”  

“This is nice armor,” Wrex said as he flipped through the catalog. 

“Just take it and leave my shop!” Morlan said. He lugged the heavy krogan armor from the back and slapped it onto the counter. 

Wrex grabbed it immediately, but Shepard put her arm up to stop him. “Hey! We’re not thieves. Morlan, how much is the armor?”

Morlan averted his gaze, “Three hundred sixty-three thousand two hundred and eighty-five credits.”

Shepard’s eyes widened. “See you wouldn’t want to miss out on a sale like that.” She scanned her omni-tool and smiled at Morlan.

“Thank you,” he muttered. 

She handed Wrex the armor. “No stealing…we’re not heathens,” she chided.

“He was giving it away for-” Wrex grumbled.

Shepard held one hand up to his face. “I don’t want to hear it. Now, what do you say?” 

Wrex stared at her and grunted. “Thank you, Shepard,” he mumbled.

“Why does he get new armor?” Garrus asked.

“Because his armor was burned by the acid-vomit of a hundred thralls. Now if you’re done being children we have a mission to get back to.” She strode off toward the med clinic. 

They found Doctor Michel with a patient when they walked in. Michel quickly excused herself and pulled Shepard to the side. “Anything?” 

“They shouldn’t be bothering you anymore, but the mercenary said he reported to a man named Banes? Does that ring any bells?” 

“Armistan? Why would he be involved in all of this?” 

“So you do know him?” Garrus prompted. 

“Yes…we uh…we went to medical school together, we were good friends until…well it doesn’t matter.”

Shepard cocked her head. “It might.”

Doctor Michel bit her lower lip, obviously deciding what story to tell them. “Armistan was a good friend of mine. We were…romantically involved until he took a job with the Alliance that had him working in a classified lab. Just not the right timing, you understand?”

“Sure. So you think this is some sort of lover’s vendetta?” Shepard asked.

Doctor Michel shook her head quickly. “No. A few years after being on that project we ran into each other. He had…changed. And not in the way you think, he was a completely different person. He had strong beliefs in using humans as test subjects for dangerous research. He seemed…crazy, to be honest.” She sighed, reliving the painful memory. “I asked him to not contact me again. That was six years ago though, surely he hasn’t held a grudge for this long.”

“Hm. We’ll look into it. Let me know if you hear anything else from him please.” Shepard said.

Doctor Michel nodded before heading back to her patient. If the research was Alliance based then Shepard could likely get some information from the database. If not, maybe Anderson would have an idea of what it was about. She didn’t really have time for this though and the immediate threat was quashed. 

They were only on the Citadel for a few days - the Council wanted an update on her progress and they needed a serious restock after donating most of their supplies to the Feros colonists. Not to mention, it had been a few weeks on the job and she was finally starting to see the one positive side of being a spectre - credits. She grinned to herself.

Shepard turned to Garrus and Wrex. “If you’ll excuse me, boys, I need to go shopping.”

========

Kaidan was sitting next to one of the fountains in the Presidium, just outside the Alliance base. He was reading a different book than the one she saw him with previously. Shepard stood a few steps away, watching his face that held the same laser focus he put into everything else. It made her smile before she realized what she was doing and shut it down. Her hands anxiously held a long black box as she walked over to him. 

“Hey Alenko,” she said, disrupting the silence.

He glanced up at her, his eyes golden brown like aged honey. “Shepard, hey.”

She hadn’t spoken to him much since Feros. She was embarrassed after what happened with the Thorian. She didn’t remember a lot after the mind-meld with Shiala and she was too afraid to ask. Coming to with him, Wrex, and Tali all staring at her in panic - she didn’t want to think about what she was doing before that. But she remembered his gaze - focused and calm, guiding her back to reality. 

She sat down on the bench next to him and handed the black box over to him. “I got you something.”

She had to hold back from laughing at the surprised look on his face. He grabbed it from her, “What is it? Oh…it’s heavy.”

“Well open it and see!” She was particularly excited about this. She never gave people gifts - never had anyone to give gifts to. 

The lieutenant placed the box on his lap, spreading his legs to balance the length of it. Carefully he untied the ostentatious black bow that held it together. She wriggled in her seat making sure to watch his face closely. His eyes widened as he stared at the red Armax Arsenal symbol embroidered on the neck. The shiny glint of camouflage reflected in his eyes. He turned to her stunned.

She bit her lip. “Do you like it?”

He leaned back in his seat. “Well, yeah…of course, but Shepard this armor is way too expensive. I can't accept this.” He regretfully placed the top back on the box and handed it back to her.

She pushed it back toward him. “What else are you going to wear? I saw what happened to your hardsuit. Besides you’re acting like I bought this with my personal money.”

He flushed. “The Alliance didn’t pay for this.”

She gave him a smug look. “Being a spectre pays well.”

“So it is your money then,” he argued.

“Okay, fine.” She threw up her hands. “I get mission funds from the council and I get mission funds from the Alliance. It’s not my fault they haven’t figured that out yet.”

A goofy smile slowly spread across his face. “Well, that’s very misleading, Commander Shepard.”

She tried to look as innocent as possible. “Are you going to report me, Lieutenant?”

He laughed. “No, but I will keep the armor.”

She gave him a big smile but then frowned. “You do actually like it right?” Her words came out in a flurry. “Because I debated for a really long time between this one and Kassa Fabrication’s Colossus. This one has faster shield regeneration, but the Colossus has higher damage protection. With this one, you can also customize the -”

He caught her gaze. “Shepard. It’s the exact one I would have picked out myself. It was really thoughtful of you.”

The look he gave her was doing weird things to her breathing. Could she ever remember a time when she rambled? She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. This had to end. 

She shrugged feigning indifference. “No problem. As your CO, I have to make sure you’re wearing good equipment.”

She wasn’t sure if she imagined a flicker of disappointment on his face, but if it was there, it was fleeting. “Well, thanks again.”

She glanced away. “So, a weird thing happened today. I saw a doctor named Rahna on the board at the med clinic.”

He stiffened. “Yeah, I saw that too.”

She turned to look at him and furrowed her brow. “So she’s the same person…from Brain Camp?”

He sighed. “I think so.”

She fought the urge to press him for details. What he did in his spare time was none of her business. She shouldn’t care. 

“Are you going to see her?” Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Nah. It didn’t…uh…it didn’t end well between us.”

“You never told me what happened,” she said quietly.

He stood up abruptly, surprising her. “Maybe another time, Shepard. I have to go…do some stuff before we head out tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah…okay.” She felt like an idiot. 

He lifted the box effortlessly with one hand. “Really, thank you again for this.” And then he left before she could even finish saying goodbye.

Chapter Text

Shepard placed her palm against the pad of the apartment door. After a scan of her fingerprints, a green light indicated the door was unlocked. She walked into the apartment to find modern and sleek furniture populating every room - perfect if that was what you were into. It wouldn’t be considered large, but it made her apartment on Arcturus look like a closet. 

She let her duffle bag fall off her shoulder by the front door and walked over to the kitchen that overlooked the living room. A bottle of wine with a piece of paper sat in the center of the counter. On one side was the spectre emblem and on the other side, it said, 'Welcome' - though the font and plain cardstock left much to be desired. The back wall was glass that overlooked the Presidium lake. Glancing out she took in the perfect gleam of the still water, the civilians walking carefully around its perimeter, passing the massive krogan statue and the mass relay that matched the tattoo on her left arm. She glanced down at the reminder and smiled. This apartment was probably worth more credits per month than she made in a year on her Alliance salary. 

She cracked open the wine bottle and poured the burgundy contents into a glass. Looking out at the view of her new apartment she began to laugh. All of it - becoming a spectre, Saren, the geth - it was like a living nightmare. She knew the lack of sleep was finally getting to her, but it didn’t stop her from doubling over in hysterics. Four years ago at her N7 graduation, she would never have believed she’d be here. Every day for the last few weeks she’d been thinking that someone was going to realize the massive mistake they made by giving her this position. Surely they meant a different Shepard - if they didn’t they’d realize it soon enough. Yet no one had said anything and she just kept moving along - everyone’s eyes watching and waiting for her to colossally fuck up. She sat down on the floor in front of the window and finished her glass of wine before laying on her back, her arm across her forehead. She had become accustomed to the sounds of the Normandy and this place felt too quiet. 

Her omni-tool beeped, indicating she had a new message and she moved her arm off her forehead to read it.

I heard from a bird you were on the Citadel. Me too. If you have time for an old friend, I’d love to see you. 

 - Veeyir

Shepard smiled and wrote her response. Veeyir replied immediately - they would have dinner tonight. She pulled herself off the floor, grabbed her duffle, and walked into the open bedroom. Her brand new hardsuit had been delivered and was hanging in the closet. She pulled off her clothes leaving them in a pile on the floor and walked into the bathroom. 

One look in there and she gasped, jumping up and down excitedly - a bathtub. And not just any bathtub, but a jetted one. She looked through the drawers to find toiletries and grinned when she found what she was looking for. She didn’t believe in God, but right now she was thanking some deity for stocking this bathroom with bubble bath. Rushing to the tub, she turned the water all the way hot and let it fill. Deciding it had been too long since she had a proper hot shower she turned on the water for that too, rinsing off before sliding into the steaming water of the tub. 

The scalding water burned her skin, making her breath come in quick short gasps, but she continued to slide further in until she was fully submerged. She held her breath until it burned in her lungs and then she pushed up for air - gasping and rubbing her hands over her face. She sat back against the edges of the tub. For the first time in a long time, she actually felt relaxed. Her eyelids, heavy from insomnia, clamped shut. Her mind began to wander, which was always dangerous these days so she pushed it to think about something else and landed on Alenko. She let out an exasperated sigh. 

Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Alliance Military Justice explicitly states that fraternization that complicates the chain of command is a criminal offense subject to being court-martialed in the most severe cases. 

She was pretty sure that sleeping with her lieutenant on a mission that potentially affected the whole galaxy was about as severe as it could get. That was if Kaidan was interested in her. Any other young, temerarious officer - sure, but Kaidan was different and she couldn’t exactly get a read on how he felt. Sometimes she was sure he was flirting with her and then other times he was so private. 

The thing that bothered her the most was how not private she was around him. She had already told him more about herself than she had ever told anyone. That went against every fiber in her being, she cringed just thinking about it. Whatever he felt toward her, she had without a doubt, offended him today. She just hoped he wouldn’t stay mad at her for too long, because she might not know how she felt about him, but she did know that he was one of the only things keeping her sane on this mission. 

========

The restaurant Veeyir picked out was beautiful. The ceiling mimicked the artificial day-night cycle of the Citadel revealing a burning sunset melting into darkness as Shepard walked in. Greenery covered the walls and everywhere were wood accents. Not surprisingly, something about it reminded her of Nevos. She found Veeyir sitting in a round booth at the front of the restaurant. It had been over ten years since they had seen each other, but she looked the same as she did the day Shepard had left her asari home. 

Her elegant mauve gown swept the floor as she glided over to Shepard and embraced her.

“Emilia,” she half-whispered. When she pulled away her green eyes sparkled against her sky-blue skin. “Look at you, you’ve grown into quite the woman.”

Shepard smiled so big it began to hurt. She pulled her into another hug, much to Veeyir’s surprise. 

“I suppose for you it seems like a lifetime since we last saw each other,” Veeryir said. 

Shepard laughed. “Feels more like two or three.”

They walked over to the table and sat down across from one another. 

“Much has happened in your life since then.” It wasn’t a question. Veeyir looked her over, a pass of concern lingered in her eyes. 

It was like she was seventeen again. Shepard had arrived at Nevos more angry and broken than she ever thought possible. The asari matriarchs had saved her in so many ways - helping her remember who she was and giving her light in a world that had become so dark and unfamiliar. Yet, it was all the beginning of a life she never really wanted. 

“Never thought I’d end up here,” she murmured. 

“Oh, I’m not surprised. You’ve always been a force of nature, Emilia. But more importantly, you’ve always had a kind heart.”

Shepard fiddled with her hands nervously. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, anything,” Veeyir said.

She bit her lip. “Did you ever think I was capable of being anything besides a marine? I mean, I know I came to you for training and that joining the Alliance was the path I chose, but did you ever think I might be someone else?” 

Veeyir didn’t respond for a moment, truly thinking about the question. “When you came to me, you had this fire in you that I had never seen before. You were so powerful and wild, but you didn’t stay that way for long. It was as if all that hatred was completely unnatural to you, it ebbed quickly and you adopted a different way of life faster than any of us thought possible.”

Shepard scoffed, she never stopped being angry. 

Veeyir smiled, reading her thoughts. “You never did understand the difference between anger and tenacity.” She shook her head. “What I am trying to say is that you were so well behaved. Impatient, sure; confused, definitely, but never cruel. It is those traits that make you a wonderful soldier, but they also mean you could have been anything you wanted to be. No matter what it was you would have put your whole self into it and nothing less. That’s just part of who you are.” She placed her hand over Shepard's. “Are you unhappy, child?”

Shepard shook her head no, struggling for the words. She wasn’t unhappy…but was she happy? Would she even recognize what happiness felt like? “Being in the Alliance gives me purpose. Helping people…it’s what I need to do to keep going.”

Veeyir squeezed her hand tightly. “I’m glad you want to help people. I know that it’s in your nature, but don’t chase something that isn’t there.”

Shepard furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

Veeyir let out a sigh and opened her napkin over her lap. “Risking your life to save others is not going to bring your parents back. It won’t bring your little sister back.”

“I know that,” she snapped. It was a rare occurrence that anyone ever brought up her family. 

Veeyir was unphased by her change in attitude. “Good. Then it would be wise to remember that you don’t owe the world anything. The fact that no one else lived doesn’t mean you should have died. And more importantly, even though they’re gone you can be happy, you don’t need to punish yourself for their absence.”

Shepard let those words sink in. She wasn’t angry, she knew Veeyir meant well, but she wasn’t used to this level of intimacy either. “I’m not a child anymore, Veeyir.”

Veeyir gave her a big smile. “To me, you are.” She cupped the side of her face and kissed her forehead. “Shall we order?” At that command, a menu appeared in holographic form on the table. 

========

The alarm rang loudly in the quiet dim of the apartment. Shepard startled awake feeling the crisp and smooth texture of the percale sheets wrapping around her body. Wiping the sleep from her eyes she realized that for the first time in weeks, she had gotten a normal amount of sleep. The artificial daylight lightly illuminated the apartment indicating dawn. 

The Normandy would leave today which meant she had eight hours to figure out where to go next. She dug through her duffel bag and pulled on running clothes before heading out of the apartment. The paths of the Presidium ran along the edge of the water that seemed to be in a perpetual state of sparkling. She wondered if they put something in it to make it look that way. Running here was different than running on Arcturus - the stares she got were much more offending, but she missed the way her breath felt hot and sharp in her chest. Running for pleasure instead of running to escape something had a different meaning and she could feel it in the way the breeze licked across her bare skin. 

She stopped in front of the Alliance naval base and took a deep breath in. She glared at her omni-tool which had recorded one of the worst run times she’d had in a while. It was too early for most citizens in the Presidium to be awake, but it was already late morning for a marine. 

“Hey, Skipper!”

She turned around to see Williams in running gear, her hair pulled back into its normal tight bun. 

“Hey, Williams. I didn’t know you run,” she said.

“When I can. Not too much opportunity on a ship. One of the few things I miss about being grounded.” She began to run in place. 

Shepard smiled. “I hear that. I’m not used to being on a frigate for long periods, it’s kind of driving me crazy.” Alenko’s reprimand about her being too hard on Ashley rang in her mind. “I’m running back toward my apartment if you’re headed that way.” She pointed her head the way she came. 

Williams looked stunned. “You actually live here? …Ma’am.” 

Shepard let out a quiet laugh. “It’s one of the many perks of being a spectre. It’s about six kilometers you in?”

Williams shrugged. “Sure.”

Much to Shepard’s pleasure they ran in silence, the only sounds were shoes on the pavement against the Presidium’s early morning rise and the slow bustle of its civilians. Williams let out a whistle indicating her admiration as they arrived. 

“Nice place,” she said.

Shepard shrugged. “If you’re into this sort of thing.”

Williams cocked her head. “And you’re not?”

She let her long red hair down and then pulled it back into a ponytail. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice. It’s just nothing I would ever pay for myself, not that I could afford it.”

“Commander Shepard! Emilia Shepard!” A woman in a blue and gold dress ran up to her. Shepard’s first thought was how impressed she was watching this woman run in a dress like that - skin-tight with long sleeves and a high neck. Her heels made tiny clicks on the glossy floor. A news drone followed her closely. 

“Oh god,” Shepard murmured. Her second thought was to look for an escape.

The woman caught up to them, panting. “Hello, Commander. I’m Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani from Westerlund News. Will you answer a few questions for our viewers?”

Perfect, I look like I just swam across the Presidium lake, she thought. “Now is really not a good time for an interview,” she said gesturing at her appearance. 

“Please! I’ve been looking for you ever since the Normandy docked. You’re quite elusive Commander.”

“I try to be,” she said with a tight smile.

The reporter pushed forward. “The people of Earth deserve to know what’s going on and you haven’t made a single appearance since your spectre ceremony. How are they supposed to know they’re safe?”

Shepard let out a sigh. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.” She gave a half-hearted attempt at smoothing her hair out before realizing that nothing was likely to make her look any better.

Williams looked at her with surprise and then amusement. She crossed her arms and took a step back, out of the spotlight. 

“You don’t have to stay here for this, Williams.”

Williams smirked. “Might as well see it in person before it airs.”

Shepard gave her a playful eye roll and looked into the news drone’s perfectly clear lens. A bright light illuminated her face, making her blink rapidly. She straightened her posture and clasped her hands behind her back, hoping to hide the sweat stains that ran down her sides.

“And we’re running. Commander Shepard, thank you for joining us. Humans have been trying to get the attention of the galactic community for several decades, with that in mind, what are your feelings on being the first human spectre?”

“Being asked to join the spectres was a surprise, but one of the greatest honors of my career. I hope to make the Alliance and the human race proud.”

“Some think that the Council inducting the humans into the spectre community is manipulative. You are one of the Alliance’s most decorated soldiers and yet the Council wants to use you for their own agenda. Have you come across many instances where the Council has asked you to put the needs of Citadel space before the needs of humans?”

Shepard gritted her teeth but kept her expression calm. She had years of practice biting her tongue, but what an obtuse question. “Citadel space includes the Sol system and most of the human colonies. We’re part of a larger community that both the Alliance and I, as a spectre acting on behalf of the Council, protect. As a representative of humans, my responsibilities are closely tied to those related to Alliance space, but I also have a duty to protect the other Citadel species. You should see it as a collaboration instead of sides, we’re all working together to help each other.”

Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani gave her a fake smile from behind the drone. “You truly believe that don’t you?”

She raised her eyebrow. “Is that an actual question?”

The reporter moved on. “Can you tell us anything about the new class of warship you are using on your missions?”

“The Normandy is a perfect example of using our relationship with the galactic community for good. It is a fusion of both human and turian design - the first of its kind. It’s a wonderful ship that has served us well so far. Unfortunately, everything else is classified.”

“So the turian military has information on an Alliance warship that is being kept secret from the Alliance public?”

Instead of saying fuck you, she gave her the biggest smile she could. “Yes. As our allies, the turians have been kind enough to share information with us that has served them well in the many years of space travel they have over us. By definition, that is what an alliance entails - sharing information for the benefit of both parties.”

The reporter continued unphased. “Do you think it was really that wise to hand over the Normandy, Earth’s most advanced warship to the Citadel?”

Behind her back, she clenched her hands into tight fists so that her nails dug into her palms. “I wasn’t aware the Normandy had been ‘handed over’ to anyone. As far as I’m concerned, it’s my ship, and last time I checked…” She looked over the skin of her arms dramatically. “...I’m human.”

Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani narrowed her eyes. “One last question. My sources tell me that you’re tracking a rogue spectre named Saren. Is he behind the geth attacks?”

“My mission, whatever it may be, is classified Miss al-Jilani.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find out,” she said in a sing-song voice. The camera and its hot light shut off. “Thank you for your time, Commander.”

Shepard nodded. “Kindly fuck off.” 

Williams snickered in the background and approached Shepard as the reporter scuttled away. “Very impressive. You’re the picture-perfect soldier, Skipper.”

Shepard rolled her eyes. 

“Permission to speak freely ma’am?” Williams asked.

“I’m surprised you even asked, but we’re not on duty Williams. Go ahead.” She desperately wanted a shower.

“Do you ever get sick of it? Sugarcoating everything?” 

Crossing her arms, Shepard frowned. “I would hardly say I sugarcoat anything.”

“So you really believe all that stuff you said about working together and being part of a bigger picture?”

“Of course I did. What is your problem with aliens anyway?” Shepard asked, her arms still crossed. 

Williams looked away. “I don’t have a problem with aliens. I just think…you can’t just blindly trust anyone.” She looked at the floor. “We need to be looking out for ourselves because when one of those aliens decides enough is enough, we will only have each other.”

Shepard gave her a scrutinizing look. “Awfully pessimistic. Everyone needs allies, even humans. Think about how far we’ve come since we joined Citadel space. And when there is an even bigger threat, like say - the Reapers, then you really need allies.”

“I’m not saying we shouldn’t have allies ma’am, I just don’t think we should put their agenda before ours,” Williams said.

“Friendship is not a one-way street, Chief. It’s a give and a take. Sometimes looking out for someone’s best interest is looking out for your own. You won’t get very far only looking out for yourself.” 

“You’re right, Skipper. I’ve already learned a lot on this mission. Being out here, away from home…it’s just different, ya know?”

She didn’t know. Even if Arcturus was what she considered home base, it never felt like being home. 

“Sure. I gotta go clean up. See ya later Williams.” Shepard waved her goodbye and headed up the stairs to her apartment. 

As soon as she walked through the door her omni-tool beeped with a new message. 

Commander Shepard,

You don’t know me, but I know you. I suppose everyone does at this point. I need your help and I wouldn’t ask unless I was desperate. I know the Normandy takes off today, please meet with me before you leave.

  - Rear Admiral Kahoku

She knew the name, but not the man. Kahoku served in the Skyllian Blitz - he was a war hero. She spoke a reply into her omni-tool informing him that she would meet him in an hour.

========

The Admiral paced back in forth in the spot outside of C-sec where they agreed to meet. She approached him slowly so as not to surprise him. At a closer inspection, he looked hadn’t slept in weeks, his eyes withdrawn and sunken in.

“Admiral?” She asked.

He stopped his pacing and looked up, finally realizing she was there. “Commander, thank you so much for meeting with me,” he said with relief. 

She stood straight and clasped her hands behind her back. “Of course, sir. What can I do for you?”

He continued to pace, rambling as he walked. “It’s my men. A group of six marines lost contact in the Artemis Tau cluster three weeks ago. I’ve petitioned for days for the Council or the Alliance to look for them, but I keep getting the same response - not enough resources, wait just a little bit longer - well I know what that means - my marines aren’t worth the cost.” He stopped and looked Shepard in the eye, “but those are my men, Shepard. If I could get a frigate and go look for them myself I would…I’ve tried.”

They had hung around the Artemis Tau cluster looking for Liara around that time. She didn’t remember hearing anything about any marines getting lost. Those signals were usually sent out to the nearest ships, they must have just missed them. Perhaps it was respect, pity, or the fact that she didn’t have any idea of where to go next, but she agreed to help him. 

“Why were they out there?” she asked.

“A recon group. They had just discovered a derelict ship with the body of a scientist named Banes. I tasked them with scouting the system and I lost contact with them about three days later.”

Shepard’s eyes widen. “Armistan Banes?”

“What? You know the guy?”

“No, sir. It’s just that is the second time I’ve heard his name come up in the last forty-eight hours,” Shepard said. Something weird was going on here. How could a dead scientist be threatening to expose Doctor Michel and why would he need medical supplies?

“Well, he’s dead. I’m only concerned about my team.”

“What do you know about Banes?” Shepard asked. 

“Not much. Just that he was working for the Alliance in some lab. Records are all classified,” Kahoku said. 

“I’ll do what I can sir,” Shepard said.

He squeezed his eyes shut. “Thank you, Commander. Look, I know there’s not a lot of hope for them, but at least I can give their families closure.” 

“Of course, sir,” Shepard gave him a salute and headed toward the Normandy.

She didn’t think it was a coincidence that a name she had never heard before had come up more than once in the last few days. Maybe Anderson would know more about Banes. She didn’t have time to go to his office before the Normandy took off, but it would take them a few days to get to the Artemis Tau cluster - she could call him on the way. The pit in her stomach told her this was more than it seemed.

Chapter Text

Shepard called everyone into the conference room to discuss their next stop. She explained about Admiral Kahoku’s men and their run-in with Doctor Michel. She finished by mentioning the connection between Armistan Banes, the Alliance scientist. Looking at her now, he missed their casual talks. Her presence in the room was a magnet and he wondered how he had so easily walked away from her the other day. 

“I don’t know what he was researching, but I plan on finding out,” she said.

“Do we know what ship they were flying, ma’am?” Lidar Specialist Crosby asked. 

“The frigate SSV Okavengo. I want scans of the last three weeks in every system. We should have a fairly comprehensive list of the planets that we scouted out when we were there last. I want data on the rest, as much information as we can get.”

“Commander Shepard, permission to speak freely?” Pressly asked.

Shepard threw up her hands. “Sure, why not.”

Pressly bristled. “This seems like quite the detour from our main mission.”

Shepard just blinked at him. “Thank you for your input, Navigator. Everyone else has given up on these men and I’m not going to do the same. I won’t let their families wonder what happened to them for the rest of their lives.” She gripped the metal bar that wrapped around the communication screen as she leaned her back against it. “If you have any other ideas on where to look for Saren or Benezia, please enlighten me.”

The room was quiet. 

“Fantastic. Anyone else?” She let go of the bar, but no one spoke. “Tucks, I want us searching for any signal we can get. I don’t care if it’s a signal from a batarian waste facility. If it pings, I want to know about it.”

“Yes ma’am,” Tucks said. 

“Joker?” she asked the ceiling. 

“I’m here, Commander.”

“I want you prepped for anything - ground side landing, Mako drop, boarding another vessel. Get comfortable with spontaneity,” she said.

“Please, Commander. Try to remember you’re working with the best,” he responded.

“How could I ever forget,” she drawled. 

She made eye contact with Kaidan, her snowy blue eyes bright and well-rested. “Lieutenant, we’ll need everyone on this mission. If we have injured marines, it’s going to take more than a few of us to bring them back efficiently.” 

“Aye aye, ma’am,” Kaidan said.

He knew this feeling he had, whatever it was, was bad. Not only was she wildly out of his league, but she was also his commanding officer - about as off-limits as it could get. He didn’t fully understand his attraction to her. 

Sure she was beautiful, but he had met plenty of beautiful women since joining the Alliance. No, it was that she was so complex - every time she revealed something about herself it surprised him. On the battlefield, she was an elegant and deadly weapon, but when she let that side of her fade away she was Emilia - impatient, playful, caring -”

“Do you need something, Lieutenant?” she asked him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

He looked around, realizing with embarrassment that he and Liara were the only ones left in the room. He had planned to apologize to Shepard about the other day, but Liara lingered like she needed something. 

“Sorry. Just running through drills in my head,” he lied. 

She gave him an unreadable smile. “Try to get out of there every once in a while.”

He laughed nervously. “Yes, ma’am.”

As he was turning to leave Liara spoke, “Actually, it might be beneficial for the lieutenant to hear this as well.”

He turned on his heel and faced both of them. Shepard gave them a puzzled look. 

“The university I work for gives me a lot of resources and access to different databases. These things have helped us gather information for our mission. However, there are requirements I need to fill to maintain my status with the faculty.” She paused, checking for their understanding. “Since I’m no longer on archeological digs they have asked me to use my situation for other findings.”

“Which are?” Shepard asked with a hint of impatience.

“Several hundreds of years ago there were a group of asari matriarchs that left Thessia in search of ‘true enlightenment and wisdom’. Over a several-year timespan, twenty-eight matriarchs traveled across the galaxy to broaden our culture’s horizons. Only six published their work and philosophies. The twenty-two who didn’t become legend…for many reasons. Some thought that they were the perfect example of why asari shouldn’t travel outside Thessia and keep to ourselves. Others saw them as pioneers - so enthralled by whatever existed in the galaxy that they forgot their original way of life. Their silence allowed many to create a more dramatic story that fit with whatever their beliefs about galactic colonization were. 

“More recently, though I suppose not in your lifetimes, writings from Matriarch Dilinaga, one of the missing twenty-two, were found. They speak to the wonders of galactic expansion, but are badly damaged and spread throughout the galaxy. Most of the ones that have been found have been placed in a museum, but many historians believe there are still more. The university sees my travel as an opportunity to look for some of these writings and plans to not only fund me but continue to allow me to work closely with them.”

“Matriarch Dilinaga?” Shepard asked, searching her mind for something. 

“Yes, have you heard of her?” Liara asked with interest. 

Kaidan immediately knew what Shepard was thinking. “Tali and Adams found that derelict sleeper pod with all of those documents,” he said.

Shepard’s eyes sparkled as he spoke. “Exactly. And in one of our surveys, someone had given me an encrypted data disc they found.”

“Oh goddess, that’s wonderful!” Liara exclaimed.

“I have to gather them up, but do you have time to go through them now?” Shepard asked her.

The way Liara lit up surprised him. He hadn’t noticed before, but Liara’s body language changed around Shepard. The way she nervously shuffled her feet when their eyes met. How whenever the Commander spoke Liara watched her with such intensity as if every word lured her in. If he was being honest, Shepard had the same effect on him. He could hardly blame anyone else for feeling that way. But was that what Shepard wanted? Liara? He couldn’t tell. At this moment she seemed indifferent, but he hadn’t been paying attention to their interactions until now. 

Internally he shook his head. None of that should matter.

“That would be wonderful,” Liara said. 

“Great! Lieutenant, can you let the team know that we’ll be looking more closely for these asari writings from now on?” she asked him.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Liara, I can meet you in your cabin in ten minutes,” Shepard said. 

Liara flushed and Kaidan’s jaw clenched. “Let me know if you guys need any help,” he said, against his better judgment. 

Shepard nodded. “Thank you, Lieutenant, I think that’s all.” 

Liara had only ever been kind to Kaidan. He empathized with her feeling like an outsider. No one on the crew was mean to her, but she was shy and if anyone knew how difficult it was to make friends, it was Kaidan. Now he felt a different feeling toward her, one that made him anxious and angry at the same time. He tried to ignore the realization that this new feeling was jealousy. 

========

Kaidan sat in the mess trying desperately to keep his mind preoccupied. It took everything in him not to dwell on the fact that Shepard and Liara had been in her cabin for hours going through the data they had on the asari writings. On more than one occasion he thought about going in there and offering to help them. He had much better tech skills than either of them, surely he could help the process be more efficient, but he resigned to going through code on his data pad. He knew he was being ridiculous, but that didn’t make him feel any better. Biting his lower lip, he decided to look for information on their current mission.

He searched the Alliance database for anything regarding Armistan Banes. Banes was a medical doctor who decided to go into research after finishing school. Most of his files after that were classified, but Kaidan found one piece of information that intrigued him. Armistan Banes, M.D. was discharged from the Alliance’s service three years ago under ‘other than honorable discharge’. Searching further he found a man named Armistan Banes without a medical degree. This man was enlisted into the Alliance the same year the other Armistan Banes was discharged. This Banes’s file was entirely classified, Kaidan couldn’t find any information about him. 

Could there be two separate men with the same name? Both in classified positions within the Alliance? It seemed suspicious. He would have to tell Shepard about this as soon as possible. Maybe her security clearance could find out more information. 

He saw a flow of red hair out of the corner of his eye and immediately looked up. Shepard was at the meal kiosk, mindlessly punching in her order. She smiled when she noticed him sitting there and sat across from him. 

“Don’t you ever sleep?” she asked.

He looked at the clock on his data pad. It was 2400, how had it gotten so late so quickly? “I guess I could say the same to you.”

She nodded and took a bite of her food. 

His fingers anxiously scrolled through his data pad without purpose. “So, did you and Liara get a lot done?”

“Yeah, there’s more to it than I thought. The data is written in an old asari dialect that our translators don’t understand. Liara spent a large portion of the time trying to manually enter it into our system.”

“I might be able to help,” he offered. 

She gave him a coy smile. “You speak ancient asari languages?”

“Well, no.” He flushed. “But I’m pretty good with computers.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Yeah, I noticed that. Field medic, combat marine, biotic, tech-savvy…is there anything you’re not good at Alenko?”

His flush deepened. “Again, I could say the same about you.”

She scrunched her nose. “Hardly. I’m an excellent shot and a so-so biotic.”

He scoffed. “You can’t be serious.” She stared at him blankly. “Yes, you’re an excellent shot, but it’s much more than that. It’s like you see a battle play out before anyone has made a move. Anytime I think we’re falling behind you’ve already thought about things ten steps ahead. I’ve pretty much given up on tactic entirely and just blindly trust you at this point.” 

They both laughed. He shook his head in disbelief. “You’re absurdly powerful for an L3, it’s baffling. These problems you have with fine movement, that’s just training. With the right teacher, you could pick it up easily.”

She arched one eyebrow. “Are you offering?”

He laughed nervously. “I didn’t say that it should be me.”

A shrug of her shoulders. “Why not? You’re the best biotic I know.”

“What about Liara?” he asked.

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine she’s a great biotic, but it’s different with her. Her biotics are innate. She barely has to think to use them. You know how it feels to have to will them into existence.” She looked at her hands, pausing, and he swore her voice dropped an octave when she looked up at him. “You know that feeling…the tingling one that spreads like fire through your body; that drowns out everything around you.” 

Her voice was sultry, he wasn’t imagining it. His eyes followed her tongue as she slowly licked her lower lip, his body stiff and his breathing shallowed. 

“What it feels like to put all of your focus into not losing control.” Her eyes never moved away from him. He wasn’t sure how long it was before she spoke again. “You know what I mean?”

He swallowed, trying desperately to make his voice sound normal as it came out. “Yeah, I do…know what you mean.” He nodded. “I could…try…to help.”

“Great!” she said cheerfully, snapping him out of it. “Now?” 

He shook his head, still trying to steady his breathing. “We should find a room where if you break the wall it doesn’t result in all of our demise.”

She pursed her lips. “Fair.” She got up to throw her tray away and he desperately hoped she didn’t plan on leaving.

“We’ve met before,” he blurted out. 

She spun around quickly. “What?”

He didn’t answer. He hadn’t planned on bringing this up to her…ever. She finished clearing her tray and came back over to the table. 

Too late now, idiot.

“We met once. Kind of…there’s no reason you would have remembered it,” he mumbled, internally kicking himself.

She was intrigued, but she didn’t sit down. “When?”

He spoke slowly, “On Kopis. It was a mission involving Doctor Leechman.”

Her eyes widened. “You’re the marine that saved his whole squad after that chemical explosion!”

He gave her a tight-lipped smile. “That’s me.”

She got up and walked back to the counter, making herself a drink. “Wow, impressive. I can’t believe I missed that in your file. I mean, I saw the commendations…I just didn’t put two and two together.”

“Intimately familiar with my file, Commander?” he teased as she took her seat.

She smiled deviously over her steaming cup, mint tea with lemon, what she always drank before bed. “Apparently, not intimate enough.” he watched the realization he was hoping to avoid dawn on her. “I thought we offered that marine an N-school invitation?”

“Yeah…” He took in a deep breath. “I declined it.”

A silence followed until she broke it. “Are you going to elaborate?”

He reluctantly nodded. “When I joined the Alliance, I just wanted to be a marine. Nothing special. I had been ‘special’ my whole life. For once, I wanted to be just like everyone else.” He looked away, he wasn’t sure what she’d think about him after this. “I don’t know, maybe it was a mistake, but it just didn’t feel like me .”

Shepard didn’t say anything for a few moments. Lifting his head, his eyes met hers - stunningly blue and calm. “That’s respectable. You know who you are and what you want. That’s something I struggled with for a long time-” Now it was her turn to look away. “Still do I guess.”

He felt relief wash over him. “Worked out for the best anyway,” he said. 

“Why’s that?”

Under the table, he shuffled his feet. “Well, I wouldn’t have been assigned to the Normandy.”

A smile slowly spread across her face. “Yes, that would have been a shame.”

They stared at each other for a few moments before he cleared his throat, “I found something interesting today.” He pulled up the Alliance files on his data pad and pushed them in front of her. “I found two Armistan Banes. The doctor, the one who Doctor Michel knows, was other than honorably discharged three years ago. That same year another Armistan Banes, one without a medical license was enlisted. It says he serves as a scientist, but his whole file is classified.”

She looked through the information for a few moments, worry creasing her forehead. “This can’t be a coincidence.”

“Yeah, my thoughts exactly.” 

She held his data pad in one hand. “Can I borrow this?” He hesitated and she laughed. “What?”

“Well, it’s just that…I’ve seen your data pad and -”

“Excuse me, that data pad is over ten years old. I have kept it in excellent condition,” she interrupted. 

He watched as her grip tightened slightly on his and gave in. “Okay, just…be gentle please.”

She pursed her lips. “I’ll give it back to you tomorrow. Besides, you know where I live,” she said grinning. 

Chapter Text

“You sure about that?” Alenko said, holding the Mako driver-side door still as she tried to open it. 

Shepard crossed her arms. “Sure about what?” She looked around at Garrus, Williams, and Alenko. 

Williams immediately shifted her gaze at the ground. Garrus cleared his throat. “You’re not the best driver in the world, Shepard,” he said.

“You might actually be the worst,” Alenko added, smiling unapologetically. 

She shoved him playfully. “Williams?”

Williams refused to look up. “Last time you drove, you did flip us over.” 

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Like I’m the first one to ever do that!”

“We were on flat land, ma’am,” Williams said. 

She gave them all a pouty look. “No one has ever complained about it before.”

Alenko shrugged. “Maybe they were lying to you.”

“Maybe all N7s drive like that,” Garrus suggested. 

“Fine. Garrus behind the wheel, Alenko on the scanners. Williams and I will handle the guns.” She grinned at them all as they piled into the Mako.

Three hours prior Tucks had found an emergency signal coming from the ground of the planet Edolus. The signal was garbled, some kind of interference either from the transmitting tower or the recorder itself, but it was the only thing they’d found since being here and Shepard wasn’t about to pass up a potential lead. The looks she was getting from Pressly every day they spent looking for the missing marines was starting to grate her. 

“Ready for the drop,” Garrus said when they were all buckled in. 

“Preparing for drop-off,” Joker said over the speaker. “Mako drop in 3, 2, 1.”

No matter how many times she did it, her stomach never got used to the feeling of free fall before the mass effect field normalized gravity inside the vehicle. 

Alenko punched a button on the console. “Breaking atmosphere, thrusters engaged.”

The Mako rattled as it made impact with the ground. Shepard pulled up the map; Tucks had demarcated where he sensed the signal the strongest. She input the coordinates into the nav program and Garrus took off. The ride was bumpy as they transversed over sandstone peaks, but Garrus navigated with a precision that made her a little self-conscious. 

“Do you think they’re still alive?” Williams asked the group.

“No, but it would be nice if they were,” Shepard said.

“I was talking to Rahman about this place. Apparently, it has frequent meteor drops which is why no one has ever explored it. Maybe they got unlucky,” Kaidan said.

Shepard had a bad feeling about this. She wasn’t sure if it was all the classified information behind Banes (was he alive or not?) or if it was the fact that they had spent so much time looking for these soldiers she knew were likely dead. Something told her it wasn’t either, but she pushed past it and tried to focus on the signal. It would take them four hours to reach their destination. 

“I was reading up on these soldiers, two of them have kids,” Williams muttered. 

That was the kind of information Shepard didn’t want to know. To her, they were marines that died in the line of duty. It was honorable and it was tragic, but it happened every day. She didn’t like to think about the parentless children they were leaving behind. 

“Human family dynamics are very different than turian ones. Where I come from, dying in combat is one of the greatest honors you can achieve,” Garrus said.

“It’s like that for us too. It doesn’t change the fact that their kids will still grow up without a mom or a dad. That their parents won’t ever get to see their children again,” Kaidan said.

“Yes, but humans place so much importance on their families. It’s not that we don’t love our families, we do. It’s just that the turian military is above all else. We have offspring for the continuation of our species not for the joy of raising another turian,” Garrus said.

“I can’t imagine ever having kids, I can’t even hold a stable relationship,” Williams said.

Shepard laughed, she could relate to that. But she realized she may have offended Williams. “I’m only laughing because I can relate. We’re not too different you and I.”

Williams beamed. “My last boyfriend broke up with me after three years for the same reason they all do - can’t handle the job, the distance, the fact that I’m a better shot, you name it.”

They all sat in silence. No one was as open as Williams or willing to share their personal failures. 

“What about you, ma’am?” Williams asked Shepard when the quiet became too much for her. 

Shepard let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Any answer I can give you is kind of depressing.” She shifted in her seat. “I guess the truth of it is that I don’t really have time to date anyone and even if I did there aren’t too many people who are okay with the level of risk our jobs entail, mine in particular.”

“I always forget you guys have rules against dating within the military. Sort of stupid if you ask me,” Garrus said.

“Well, it’s not that we can’t date other members of the military. There are just regulations against dating within your current chain of command. For instance, it would be against the rules for the Commander to date LT while we’re on this mission,” Williams said. 

“See that doesn’t make any sense to me, if they wanted to go at it then why is it your government’s business?” Garrus asked.

Shepard could feel heat flush her cheeks and was grateful that no one could see her hidden behind the main gun.

“Ew!” Williams said. “Well, it would obviously be a distraction from-”

Shepard had had enough. “Can we not use Alenko and me as an example for your very unprofessional analogy.”

“It was just an example,” Williams muttered. “You’re awfully quiet LT. Got anyone special at home?”

Alenko cleared his throat. Shepard wondered if he was as mortified by this conversation as she was. “I’m in the same boat as all of you. It never really works out. People can’t get past how unavailable I am whether that’s physically or…emotionally,” he murmured the last part. 

“Hey, don’t lump me into your proverbial boat. I’m perfectly happy with my casual dating experiences,” Garrus said.

“I never said I was unhappy about it,” Alenko mumbled.

Garrus laughed. “You didn’t need to. Shepard put it perfectly, it’s all a little depressing for a species that values family above all else. Good thing you guys love your jobs so much.”

An uncomfortable silence settled in the Mako. Shepard reflected on her past relationships and realized she hadn’t been in a relationship in four years. At least not one that went beyond hooking up a few times. Who had the time when you were running spec ops missions for weeks on end? She let the rumble of the Mako’s tires lull her into a trance. 

Before she knew it Alenko spoke up, “Tucks’s estimated nav point is three kilometers out.”

“Williams, get up on the turret for better visualization,” Shepard said.

“Yes ma’am.”

Shepard watched through the vidscreen as the terrain began to flatten and they continued into a crater-sized area of desert land. 

“I see an M29 Grizzly!” Williams shouted.

“The signal is getting more prominent, but I’m not seeing any heat signatures,” Alenko noted.

“Well, we knew that was a high probability,” Shepard said. She prepared the shotgun in her hand as Garrus pulled the Mako to a smooth stop. They hopped out and walked toward the flipped M29 Grizzly. The swamp-colored sky featured a meteor shower that rivaled any she had ever seen, but that wasn’t why Shepard froze. Time had seemed to stop and then quickly snap back in space as she took in the scene around her. 

Alenko turned over one of the three bodies on the ground. “Are these…burn marks?”

“Anyone else hear that ticking?” Williams asked.

Shepard did. She heard the ticking loud and clear. A frequency that seemed innocent enough if you didn’t know what came next. It was a noise that haunted her dreams, something she might not have ever been able to recall, but now it rang loudly in her mind - a warning.

 The group continued to examine the remains of the Alliance soldiers while Shepard spun around taking in the flat landscape, her breath coming in short ragged breaths. 

Images of an overturned desert floor flashed in her mind. She could still hear them screaming, could smell the scent of acid burning flesh, feel the ache in her legs as she ran faster and faster. She bent down slowly and placed her hand on the ground as a faint rumble tapped at her palm.

“Everyone back in the Mako, now.” She didn’t yell, but her voice had more force behind it than any of them had ever heard.

Alenko was startled and turned around to look at her. “Shepard?” 

She wasn’t paying any attention. She was counting down in her head and backing up slowly. “I said, now.” They all began to walk back to the Mako with concerned looks. She reached the driver's side door before Garrus. “I’m driving,” she demanded.

When they were all in the Mako her movements became rushed. “Buckle up, now. Williams on the turret, Garrus on the cannon.”

“You going to tell us what the hell is going on?” Alenko asked.

The ground shook. “What was that?” Williams asked nervously. Shepard threw the Mako into reverse and sped backward, keeping her eyes forward. 

And then it appeared. Just as massive and monstrous as she remembered.

“Is that what I think it is?” Alenko asked in alarm.

“Cannon, now!” Shepard yelled. The creature screamed as it broke through the ground and then again when the explosion hit it. She wanted to cover her ears and hide, but instead, she barreled toward it. “Keep at it!” An alarm indicating their shields had been damaged went off as acid hit the hull.

“Shepard we’re getting too close!” Garrus yelled. At that moment the creature burrowed under the ground. Using the thrusters, Shepard propelled them forward and spun the Mako around at blinding speed. Confused that it didn’t make contact, the creature emerged again letting out its death rattle. Garrus and Ashley continued to unleash the Mako’s firepower onto its back. Shepard did her best to weave through the sprays of acid, but eventually, the shields were down. 

“We need to fix the damage!” she shouted.

“I’m on it,” Alenko said as he typed the commands to release omni-gel into the vehicle's system.

“Can you stop that signal?” Shepard asked Alenko.

“Not remotely.” 

“Try,” she begged.

“Shepard, I think it’s almost done. It’s spewing whatever contents it has in it from its wounds!” Garrus yelled over the gunfire. 

Shepard sped toward it again as it flailed wildly in the air. She took a moment to appreciate Williams’s silent focus and deadly aim. Alenko tightened his hold on the assist grip as she came close to ramming directly into it. “Hold the cannon!” She spun the wheel clockwise as fast as she could and hoped that today of all days she didn’t flip the Mako. They spun one hundred and eighty degrees, confusing the creature again. “Cannon now!” 

The explosion hit before it was able to crawl underground. Its enormous body fell forward and the ground shattered as it slunk back into whatever hell it came out of.

Shepard gripped the wheel and hung her head, panting. 

“What the hell was that?” Williams exclaimed.

“Thresher maw,” Alenko whispered after a few moments. 

Shepard didn’t let go of the wheel or lift her head. Her mind was blank, but the sound of screaming, of Toombs’s weak laugh, played in a loop. 

“Those men were on foot. They never stood a chance,” Garrus muttered. 

“No, they didn’t,” Shepard said finally. 

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but Alenko put his hand on her shoulder. “Shepard, we need to go back and shut off the signal.” 

She lifted her head and drove toward the overturned Grizzly, staring blankly ahead.

“Is it dead?” Williams asked.

“For now,” Shepard grumbled. They all got out of the Mako and walked toward the dead soldiers. “Williams, grab the body bags. Let’s load them up and get the fuck out of here.” 

Alenko headed toward the damaged beacon and began messing with its interface. “Garrus! Come over here for a second,” he called out.

Williams and Shepard loaded the cold, stiff, bodies into the Mako’s storage in silence. She walked over to Garrus and Alenko who were huddled over the beacon. 

“Did you disable it?” Shepard asked.

Alenko shook his head. “This doesn’t make any sense. This isn’t an Alliance distress beacon this - this is something else. Look at this logo.” Shepard walked over and examined the screen. An elongated hexagonal logo was imprinted onto the side of the beacon. “They must have come down here to investigate it…I can’t turn it off.”

“What are you saying? That they were lured here?” Garrus asked. “Who would do that?”

The ticking noise rang loudly in her mind like nails on a chalkboard as she clenched her hands into fists.

“There’s nothing else around. And I can’t get it to turn off,” Alenko said.

“Maybe something was here and the maw got to it,” Garrus suggested.

“No,” Shepard growled. “It’s a trap.” She turned on her heel and walked back to the Mako’s storage, grabbing a pair of bolt cutters the length of her arm.

“Shepard…” Alenko warned as she approached them.

“Everyone load up, this will just take me a minute.” They didn’t move. “That’s an order!” She moved past them as they scurried back to the Mako. A few thoughts replayed in her mind - was Akuze a trap? Could this all be related? What the fuck was happening?

 She didn’t remember destroying the beacon with the bolt cutters. She must have blacked out as she senselessly beat it into a million tiny pieces while screaming. She didn’t remember anything until the moment she felt them ripped out of her hands with biotic energy. 

“Shepard, it’s gone. You can stop.” His voice was gentle, like velvet. 

Her body shook, and tears rolled down her cheeks. She immediately switched her helmet visor to tint. Blue energy rolled along her body. “Goddammit!” she screamed as she punched the side of the Grizzly. The bones in her hand cracked as metal warped around her fist.

He waited patiently for her breathing to slow. “Come on, let’s go home,” he said as he steered her back toward the Mako.

========

Chawkwas had fussed with Shepard’s hand when she got back on the ship - she had broken six bones. Shepard let her wrap it and then insisted on spending the rest of the evening in her cabin. She didn’t know where to go next and she still needed to call Admiral Kahoku about his men. That could all wait until tomorrow though, she just needed to catch her breath and clear her mind, which was proving much easier said than done. She stared at the blank page as she tried to write her report for the fifth time. Someone knocked on the door and she threw her head back. 

“Come in,” she groaned. 

Kaidan walked in with his hands shoved as deep into his pockets as they could possibly go, something she had noticed he did when he was nervous. It almost brought a smile to her face, almost. “I just wanted to check on you…today was rough.”

She spun in her chair to face him. “I’m okay, thanks. I just need some time alone.”

“Yeah, I get that. I just- I wanted to offer my company if that would make you feel any better. I’m a pretty good listener as you probably already know.” He blushed.

“I think it’s hardly appropriate for us to hang out in my cabin alone,” she noted.

His face turned bright red. “No, I wasn’t suggesting that- there’s no one in the mess or the rec room.” He cleared his throat, “Besides we're not doing anything…just hanging out as friends right?”

She smiled. “Right, friends.”

“Well, as your friend, I know that sometimes it’s nice to be left alone, but sometimes having someone else around even as silent company is better. Just offering, Commander. I’ll be out there if you change your mind, no pressure.” He turned and left her cabin. As he walked out despair settled back in and she suddenly felt more lonely than she did before his interruption. She rubbed her face with both hands and let out a deep breath before sliding her boots on and trudging out into the mess. She peered around the corner and noticed him sitting in the rec room on the small couch. 

He smiled as she walked in. “That didn’t take very long.” 

“You’re very persuasive,” she said as she settled beside him. 

He leaned over to the table next to him and handed her a hot cup of mint tea, the same kind she had been making every night before bed. She liked to add lemon, but she was impressed he had even noticed what she was usually drinking. “How did you know I’d be out here before this cooled off?” She blew on the hot water.

He shrugged nonchalantly and then gave her a lopsided smile. “I’m very persuasive.” She laughed - a musical sound that lightened the burden she had been carrying since they left Edolus. 

Glancing at the book in his lap, she saw that it was different from the other two he had been reading. “Do you have one for me?”

His face lit up. “Yeah, of course.” He pulled a small duffel bag in front of him, sifting through the contents. Nosily, she peered over his shoulder and spotted something. 

“What is that?” she asked pointing at the object. 

He shuffled things over it, “What is what?” His face turned a shade pinker as he avoided her question. 

Shepard laughed and reached into his bag as he tried to stop her, but she was too quick. She grabbed it and pulled out a plastic spaceship the size of her palm. “This.”

He quickly snatched it out of her hand and shoved it back, pulling out a book and zipping up the bag. “It’s nothing,” he said sitting back.

She nudged him playfully. “Come on, Kaidan. I promise I won’t laugh!”

He sighed. “Fine.” Leaning down, he pulled it back out. “When I was younger I used to collect model spaceships. I have a lot at home- a lot.”

She fought back giggling. It wasn’t that she wanted to make fun of him, it was just that she found it utterly endearing. 

“Anyway, the first time I ever shipped out my mom sent me this one. I was mortified at first, but I actually found it comforting. A little piece of home. It’s just something dumb and sentimental.” He shook his head and moved to put it back in the bag, but she grabbed it out of his hand.

“It’s not dumb. I wish I had something from Mindoir. The only thing I have that belongs to me is that data pad and it’s falling apart.” She turned the ship over in her hand and ran her finger down the worn logo. 

“Keep it.”

She looked up at him. “What?”

“I mean, if you want to. You don’t have to, but then you can own two things.” Kaidan smiled and she wondered if he could hear the heavy thud of her heart against her chest.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice thick as she tried to move past the emotion that balled in the back of her throat. As a distraction, she grabbed her tea and blew on it before taking a sip. The perfect hint of lemon surprised her and she beamed at him. “You put lemon in this?” 

“That’s how you like it, right?” he asked. She nodded and smiled over the steaming cup. Kaidan handed her a small but thick book. “It’s another old one, but no one writes science fiction like this anymore.”

“What is it about?”

“A little boy who is very special - he’s the perfect combination of compassion, intelligence, and patience. He’s taken away from his family at a young age to train for war because he’s the only one who can save planet Earth. It’s about his journey dealing with the pressures of being perfect and losing his childhood.”

“Sounds relatable,” she murmured. 

“Well, that’s why I picked it for you.” He sat back and continued to read his book. 

Silent company, as promised. 

Shepard leaned into her seat. The haunted sounds of her memories had subsided and the dull ache in her heart had been replaced by something else. She still couldn’t shake her own feelings of loneliness. 

“Kaidan?” she asked quietly, staring blankly ahead.

He turned his full attention toward her. “Yeah?”

She looked at him, finding the now-familiar warmth in his eyes, a darker shade of that beautiful desert stone. She wanted to feel lighter. Like how she did when they talked on Feros, but part of her hated how vulnerable she was becoming in front of him. “Can I tell you about it?”

He closed his book and put it on the table. “Akuze?” 

She nodded silently.

“Whenever you’re ready to tell me, I want to hear it.”

So she did. She told him about the monsters that haunted her dreams and the last words of her squadmates. She told him about the faces she would never see again, but would never forget. She told him about the fear and pain that had both physically and mentally scarred her.  And like before he listened the entire time, patient and understanding when she had to take a moment and pause. As she relived it she felt the weight of the day lessen and when she finally went back to her cabin she placed the model spaceship on her desk. It didn’t look exactly like the Normandy, but in her mind, it was close enough to home.

Chapter Text

“I told you, Shepard, he’s dead. What is your obsession with Armistan Banes?” Captain Anderson’s holographic image flickered in front of her. She ground her teeth, already knowing Anderson wasn’t above hiding things from her. There was more behind this and the way he was trying to get her to drop it only reinforced her assumptions. 

“I’ve just been getting conflicting information, sir. I don’t know if you heard, but I helped find Admiral Kahoku’s men,” she didn’t want to tell him about the thresher maw…or Cerberus…or the fact that when she told Kahoku he said he was going to hunt them down. Not yet. Not when there was still so much to learn. “They found his body and then went searching for signs of foul play.” 

“His cause of death is classified, even I don’t know what happened, not that I particularly care - I didn’t know the man.” Anderson was losing his patience. 

“Any other leads on Saren?” she asked. It had been weeks since they fought the geth in Feros.

“We haven’t heard anything here. I presume the same goes for you.” The holographic Anderson rubbed his forehead. “I know how much stress you’re under, Shepard. Try not to get distracted by these…side quests. You have a mission.”

She was grateful he couldn’t see her nails digging into the railing, she didn’t need a reminder of their ticking clock. “I know, sir. Next time we speak, hopefully, I’ll have something more for you.”

“Anderson, out.” The image collapsed and she was left in an eerily quiet room. 

It was bad enough having Pressly breathing down her neck every time they were in the same room together. She didn’t need the pressure from the Alliance brass on top of it. Besides what were they doing to help find a trail?

She headed out of the conference room and onto the CIC floor, ignoring glares from Pressly. She didn’t blame him for his attitude - she too was getting cabin fever after doing nothing on this tiny ship. She just wished he’d understand this wasn’t her fault. A part of her knew that he felt this mission would be over by now in more experienced hands. Lately, she wondered that herself. 

She walked to the bridge and away from his scrutinizing stare, past the technicians dutifully working away at their computers. Helmsman Rahman got up from her seat next to Joker as soon as she sensed the Commander’s presence and threw up a perfect salute. In response, the flight lieutenant swiveled his chair around.

“Well, to what do we owe the pleasure?” he drawled. Rahman shot him a dismissive look.

“At ease,” she said as she slouched into a chair on the other side of the bridge. “Just hitting dead ends with everything and trying to avoid Pressly who is stomping around like it’s my fault Saren went rogue.” She wasn’t used to Rahman being here and bit her lip at the words. Relief washed over her when the woman excused herself instead of sitting back down.  Shepard put her head into her hands and let out a groan. “I don’t know what to do.” She looked up at him.

“Are you referring to Saren or this Cerberus group?” he asked.

By now everyone knew about her little meltdown on Edolus - she didn’t care, she’d rip anyone apart that tried to judge her for that response. But she knew what she looked like to him. Dark circles that were beginning to fade before Edolus had now taken residence around her pale blue eyes. She hadn’t washed her hair in three days so it sat oily on top of her head. She was lost and not only because she didn’t know where to go next, but because something had awoken inside her. Something that had been asleep for a very long time. 

She shrugged and put her feet up on the console, the orange and yellow lights flickering. “Both.”

“First of all, get your dirty ass boots off my controls.” He nudged her feet off. She was about to argue, but something in his eyes told her she’d lose. “Second, I don’t know either. Saren could be anywhere…literally anywhere. Finding him seems like a monumental task.”

She rolled her eyes. “Stop, before your optimism blows me away.”

“I wasn’t finished. Finding him seems like a monumental task,” he repeated and then stared at her. Assessing her, judging her? She wasn’t sure. “But if anyone can do it…it’s you.” And she knew he meant it. 

“Thanks, Joker,” she said and gave him a gentle rub on the shoulder. She heard him mumble something along the lines of “don’t get used to it” as she walked out and toward the CIC. “We’re having a meeting,” she announced to the room and through the intercom system. “All essential personal can remain at their stations, officers and aliens meet me in the cargo bay.”

========

She looked at the crew of the Normandy waiting for her to speak and felt a surge of pride. “You all have done a great job in the last couple of months.”

Months. It had been months since Eden Prime.

“I know it feels like we’ve hit a wall, but we’re just getting started. I’m going to ask something of you and I know you’ll live up to the task. Our first priority is Saren and the geth. We need to be listening for any and all hints of anything abnormal happening in this galaxy. I want a report every day about incidences, even minor ones. We will find that bastard so help me God. In the meantime, I need everyone to look into a group called Cerberus. Get me any information you can find. I don’t care if it’s a rumor from your mother’s neighbor, Michelle - if it’s about Cerberus, I want to hear it. Most importantly, no one speaks a word of this. It is just as classified as anything else we’re doing. Any questions?” 

Silence. “Great, back to work.”

The crew shuffled out, but as usual, Kaidan lingered. She hadn’t talked to him since the other night when she told him about Akuze. She appreciated the space he was giving her even if she waited in bed every night hoping to hear the sound of him in the mess. “Something on your mind, Alenko?” 

“I just wanted to…you seem,” he cleared his throat. She loved how nervous he got when he was about to ask her something personal. She pushed the thought from her mind. “You’re doing okay?” 

“I’m fine, Alenko.” She need to keep that line up, the one she refused to cross but was becoming more and more tempting every day. “I just need you to focus on the mission. I can take care of myself.” She winced at the flash of embarrassment in his eyes but held her ground. 

He glared at her in disbelief. “Of course, ma’am.” She watched the distance between them expand and that warmness she felt sitting next to him the other night was replaced by something cold and familiar.

Loneliness. 

He turned to leave and it took everything in her not to run after him, to apologize and lose herself in his chestnut-colored eyes. She caught Garrus smirking at her from his post by the Mako. Don’t, she mouthed at him with an icy stare.  

“Commander Shepard, there’s a call for you in the conference room. A Commander Addison. She gave me a message that I don’t feel is appropriate to repeat,” one of the technicians announced into her private comm channel. 

Shepard laughed to herself. “I’ll be right there.” 

She took the elevator up and tried not to think about the look in Kaidan’s eyes. When she walked into the conference room and took in the sight of Commander Blair Addison - someone she hadn’t seen in many many years - the loneliness expanded. 

“You look like shit,” Addison said, her elegant English accent dripping with sincerity. 

Shepard returned the comment with a vulgar gesture. “Aren’t you glad you broke up with me? I don’t age well.” Addison looked exactly the same as the last time she saw her at their N7 graduation. Short black hair, perfectly tanned skin. Beautiful. She was smaller than most marines, but Shepard knew firsthand it wasn’t size that mattered.

“I don’t know…first human specter. CO of the Normandy. Has fame changed you, Emilia?”

She crossed her arms. “Not in the way you wanted. What can I help you with, Blair?”

“I can’t just call in to check on an old friend?” She blinked through her long eyelashes.

“We were never friends and you know it.”

“Right, lovers then,” Blair said. Emilia held back rolling her eyes. “As much as I hate to admit it, I need your help.” Shepard gave her a smug grin. “Oh, this is why I shouldn’t have bothered.”

“Just tell me.”

Blair sighed. “For the last nine months, I’ve been undercover with the Divinity crime syndicate, earned their trust, moved up pretty high in their ranks.” 

“Interesting job for an N7,” Shepard commented.

“That’s neither here nor there. Helena Blake -”

“I know who Helena Blake is,” Shepard growled. 

Blair groaned in frustration. “Could you stop interrupting me? Jeez, you really haven’t changed.” 

Shepard bit back her retort if only to prove her wrong. 

“Helena Blake is the head honcho and my main target. She’s working with two other idiots - Dillan Freed and Greg Armstrong. There is…unrest here. Freed and Armstrong think the syndicate should go into the red sand and slave industry.” 

Shepard clenched her hands into fists. 

“Oh, do I have your attention now?” Blair flicked her stare to Shepard’s arms. “Well, I’m honestly surprised they aren’t already in business with those scum, but alas it seems weapons and weapon mods are more Helena’s bag.”

Shepard was losing patience. “Get to the point, Blair.”

Addison glared at her. “Helena wants someone to take out Freed and Armstrong…and I need you to do it.”

“What! Are you out of your mind?” Shepard nearly turned the connection off right then. 

“Emilia, listen!” Blair pleaded. 

“I’m not an assassin, Blair.”

“Of course, I know that. Would you just listen, please?” 

Shepard looked into her eyes. There was a look of desperation in there that reminded her of all the times she had let her down, when she couldn’t be the person she wanted her to be- couldn’t let her in. She silently told her to continue. 

“She wants someone from outside the syndicate to do it, wants me to take their place. The Alliance thinks those two are more useful to them alive than they are dead, but I know them Shepard- they won’t talk. The things they’ve all done, the things they stand for- it’s sick.” Bile crawled its way up Shepard’s throat. “Technically I need someone to fake their deaths…but if they die along the way, if Helena happened to also die along the way, well…”

Shepard ground her teeth. “You mean you need a spectre when things get messy.”

The emotion was gone. Replaced in her eyes was a sharp spirited gleam. “That too. Isn’t getting your hands dirty in the job description?”

Shepard paced back and forth. This was a colossal waste of time. “Why should I help you? Maybe you’ve been in the dark for the last few months, but I kind of have something important going on.” 

“I have a lot of useful skills. Name your price.”

Shepard continued to pace and then stopped dead in her tracks. “Are you still friends with Sean Pensen?”

Blair immediately began shaking her head. “I don’t like where this is going.”

Emilia turned on her heel and stared at the holograph. “So you are?” 

“He’s an acquaintance. You don’t exactly get rid of a friend like that,” she growled.

Shepard bit her lip, deciding if this was really worth it. Once she asked there was no coming back from it. But she was a spectre after all and Anderson was of no help these days. She had gone to him first. She tried to do it the right way. “I want him to break into the Alliance classifieds and find information on a group called Cerberus.”

Blair’s jaw dropped. “Emilia...why?”

“The less you know the better, don’t you think?” She gave her a triumphant smile.

Blair folded her arms. “What am I supposed to offer him that’s worth a risk that big?”

Shepard shrugged. “I think you’ll figure it out if you want my help bad enough.”

Blair glared at her for several minutes. So long that Shepard debated just walking away. “Fine. You help me with this and I’ll talk to him.”

“No. You’re going to first make sure he can do it, that he will do it. Only once I know it’s a done deal will I help you.”

“Fine,” Blair growled. 

“Talk soon!” Shepard said and switched the line off. She rubbed her forehead and let out the breath she was holding, a headache coming on. Now she would have to find a way to explain this to her team.

Chapter Text

Alenko stood with his back up against the door that led from the cargo bay into engineering. He stared down at the floor of the dark hallway, illuminated by the powerful blue glow of the tantalus drive core. 

I can take care of myself. 

Well of course she could, he knew that. He was just trying to- he wasn’t sure what he was trying to do. There was a line in the sand between cordial and too friendly and they had crossed it the other night. He could feel that. At least she was smart enough to put a barrier back up. 

He heard her footfalls against the metal floor before he took the time to look up. “Lieutenant?” Tali asked. 

He forced himself to meet her gaze. “Hey, Tali.”

“Did you come in here because of my message? That was so fast, I just sent it.”

“Yeah, I did,” he lied. “I didn’t see what it was about though, just headed over. I was down here anyway.” 

“Oh, well…maybe we should talk privately.” Her facial expressions were unreadable through the purple-tinted glass of her helmet. 

He arched an eyebrow. “Sure, I can meet you in the conference room in five minutes.” She nodded in response and went back down the hallway. 

He headed out toward the cargo bay, hoping Shepard had cleared out by now. With no sight of her, he headed up to the conference room. Shepard was in there talking to a woman he didn’t recognize. He was about to turn around when he heard the tail end of their conversation. 

“He’s an acquaintance. You don’t exactly get rid of a friend like that,” the woman growled. 

There was a pause. He could imagine Shepard pacing in front of the holographic image. “I want him to break into the Alliance classifieds and find information on a group called Cerberus.”

Kaidan's heart dropped. Breaking into the Alliance database was so far up the chain of illegal behavior he almost didn’t care for her reasoning behind why, though he suspected what it was. Shepard refused to tell her anyway. 

At that moment Tali walked through the corridor with a skip in her step. She took in Kaidan’s pale face and was about to speak when he turned her around and walked her back into the CIC - he didn’t need anyone else knowing about this. 

“Shepard is uh…having a meeting. Maybe we can head back to the cargo bay and sit in the requisitions office.”

If Tali noticed his trembling hands she didn’t say anything. “Sure.” She shrugged and headed back down the way she came. 

He forced himself to follow her while he contemplated his options - stay loyal to his Commander, who had seen them through countless battles already. Or report her to command. He knew she had good intentions, right? But the more he thought about it the more he wasn’t sure he knew her at all. This was clearly against the rules and breaking so many laws, it was his duty as an Alliance marine to report her. 

They reached the requisitions office sooner than he expected and he knew he would have to put these thoughts on the back burner. 

“I want to talk to you about Cerberus,” Tali said. 

Great. 

“What about them? I think the Commander wanted all information sent directly to her,” Kaidan said.

Tali pulled up an encrypted file. “Well, that’s just it. I’m not sure what information there is or not. When we were on Feros there were a few computers in the Geth base I had hacked into. I’ve been trying to filter through the information and that name, Cerberus, keeps popping up. The files are too encrypted for me to search through - I’m more of a hack into it, hack it apart kind of gal.” He could hear the smile in her voice. She handed the data pad to him. “I know this is more yours and Garrus’s strong suit, but I figured you’d want to sort through it first.”

He looked at the screen and the coding. It would take him a few hours at most. “Thanks, Tali. I’ll get it to Shep - Commander Shepard as soon as I’m done.”

She nodded. “Good luck!” 

Thanks, I’ll need it, he thought, and gave her a silent smile. 

========

The following day Shepard notified everyone they would be stopping at a non-Alliance port and meeting an old colleague and fellow N7 marine, Commander Blair Addison. Scuttlebutt said that the two of them had dated in N-school, but Kaidan could have cared less if that was true. He still hadn’t decided what he should do about Shepard’s reckless behavior. Confronting her seemed like the best option, but she was avoiding him like it was her job, and Shepard was, if anything, a hard worker. 

He had spent the morning working out with the other marines in the cargo bay, had taken a shower that made him miss being on land desperately, and was eating his third meal of the day when they docked in port.  

“You think this Commander Addison knows something about Saren?” Williams asked from across the table. She had grown on him. There was no doubting she was an excellent marine, but she seemed to have changed her tune in regards to the aliens on the ship. He even saw her helping Wrex calibrate his new assault rifle the other day. 

“I’m not sure what relation Commander Addison has to all of this, but I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough,” he said. 

“Has anyone worked with her before?” Corporal Emerson asked the table. Everyone shook their head and the marine shrugged in response. 

“Lieutenant Alenko to the conference room,” Joker called over the intercom. 

Kaidan gave his marines a tight-lipped smile. “Duty calls.” 

By the time he got to the conference room everyone was already sitting down - Shepard, Garrus, Wrex, Tali, Liara, Pressly, and the woman Shepard had been talking to the other day. It was almost as if his presence was an afterthought. He tried to temper his anger. 

“Everyone, this is Commander Blair Addison. She’s a fellow N7 and a good friend of mine,” Shepard said. The way she said friend made Kaidan feel like she was anything but. “The Alliance has asked us to help her with a covert mission, she’ll explain the details to you.”

“And what? We’re supposed to just put our plans on hold?” Pressly asked.

Shepard glared at him. “We will do what we’re asked to do, Pressly. If you have a problem with this take it up with Hackett.” Pressly slouched into a pout. 

Addison’s eyes gleamed. “Nice to meet you all, it’s my pleasure and I want to extend my sincerest thanks for your cooperation and assistance with this.” 

Kaidan, unbeknownst to him, had spent weeks learning how to read Shepard's body language, and right now he was impressed she hadn’t rolled her eyes at that statement. He would bet the Alliance didn’t know anything about them helping Blair out.

Addison went on to explain that tomorrow a few of them and herself would be meeting with Helena Blake, crime boss, to arrange a mutual agreement about the assassination of her colleagues. The catch was that the Alliance wanted her colleagues alive and so it was their duty to capture them and fake their deaths. 

The whole plan was elaborate and preposterous enough that it might work. But there were a lot of risks. These weren’t senseless geth they were killing to protect the Alliance nation, these were elite mercenaries trained for battle. Unrest amongst the members of the syndicate had been fomenting for some time now and they were all on high alert. It was the fact that Kaidan didn’t believe for a second they were doing this for anything other than Shepard’s personal obsession over Cerberus that made him angry. He wouldn’t endanger his marines for that. 

“Questions?” Addison asked after giving them the bare minimum information.

“I have to agree with Pressly. This seems like a big risk to take, potentially involving us in a mission that could take resources away from our more important task,” Kaidan said. Pressly gave him a pleased smile. 

“This is my ship, Alenko. Fortunately and unfortunately for you, I make the calls,” Shepard shot at him. He bristled in response. 

He didn’t want to get into this with everyone around, but he would if he had to. “There isn’t another reason we’re doing this is there?” The accusations and insubordination dripped from his voice, but he didn’t back down.

He wasn’t sure what he expected to see in her eyes - embarrassment, shock? Instead, he found fire, burning away the snowstorm that usually colored her irises. “If you have something to say, Lieutenant, say it,” she growled.

“Maybe this is a conversation that should be had privately,” Liara interrupted. Her voice was a calm sea over the heat that had erupted so suddenly. “You’ll let us know if the plan changes, Shepard?”

Kaidan sat back in his chair and folded his arms. Shepard didn’t break his gaze. “Dismissed.” 

The team shuffled quickly out of the room except for Addison who stayed behind, clearly intrigued by the silent fight that was happening between them. Shepard broke her fiery stare to look at her fellow N7. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said as a dismissal. 

Blair’s smile was predatory. “See you then.”

When the door had shut Shepard stalked over to him, her presence was nearly suffocating. “What the hell was that?”

“I know about your deal with her. You help her with this she gets you information on Cerberus,” he spat.

There was the shock he was looking for, but it was simply a flicker before anger took over. It wasn’t anger like he’d seen in her before, it was calculated and cold. “So what?”

“So how could you endanger this crew for something so trivial?”

She stomped around the room. “You don’t get it, do you? Of course, you don’t…you’re just like everyone else.”

He wasn’t even sure what she was getting at, but the words stung. “Make me understand then, Shepard.”

She refused to look at him. “Something bad is happening here, something really bad and I’m worried the Alliance is trying to cover it up. You really think I would risk everyone's life - this mission - if I didn’t think it was something important?”

He tried to keep his voice low, but it was difficult as fury bubbled inside him. “It’s illegal, Emilia! We could all lose our jobs! I thought you cared about this team. Cared about me.” 

She let out an exasperated laugh that rooted him to the floor. “Care about you? You don’t even realize how much I care about you,” she mumbled. 

When she turned to look at him, for the first time since they’d met he felt actual fear grip him as she glided over, centimeters from his face. “You will call me Commander Shepard,” she snarled. “If you don’t like my plans, then report me Lieutenant, but until then stay the hell out of my way.” She shouldered his perfectly still body to the side as she stalked out. 

He was too shocked to turn around while she spoke, but he could hear the desperation in her voice. “These last few weeks, I thought we had built something…something that seemed like…I don’t know, trust? That was stupid of me to believe.” He heard the doors close behind her before he dared to breathe. It did nothing to relieve the weight on his heart.

Chapter Text

Liara stood with the Garrus, Wrex, and Tali huddled outside the conference room. When Commander Addison walked out, they feigned innocence, but she saw right through it, letting out a humorless bark as she walked off the ship. Liara was surprised by Addison and how cold she was. Shepard was the only N7 she had any experience with and the differences were night and day. Not that she was surprised, Shepard seemed to be exceptional in every way. 

The lieutenant and her spoke in whispers, barely audible to her and her comrades. “I’m outta here,” Wrex mumbled and stopped off. 

The whispers grew into shouting, mostly on the part of the lieutenant. Liara was surprised, he was normally so soft-spoken and gentle. It was clear what was happening - Shepard was only helping this Addison person to get information (perhaps illegally?) on Cerberus. Now it made sense why she’d stoop to keeping such negative company around, though no one could doubt that Commander Blair Addison was beautiful. Her beauty paled in comparison to Shepard’s though. Liara blushed as if the others could hear her thoughts, but Garrus and Tali were entranced by the argument. 

Liara didn’t disagree with Kaidan’s intentions though she didn’t appreciate the way he was going about it. She knew he had Shepard’s best interest at heart, she had seen the way he looked at her when he thought no one was looking. She could hardly blame him. 

At the sound of Shepard’s footsteps, the other two scuttled away. Foolishly, she stayed put and heard the broken words that came out of Shepard’s mouth before she left the room. “These last few weeks, I thought we had built something…something that seemed like…I don’t know, trust? That was stupid of me to believe.”

Liara’s heart grew heavy. Heavy because she knew Shepard had been through so much already, marveled at how strong and kind she was despite her past. The idea of her losing faith in something else was almost too much to bear. She tried not to think of the other reason it bothered her. Quickly, she moved out into the CIC and waited for the Commander to walk out. When she did her eyes were puffy, but no tears had come out, as if her body knew she should cry, but her mind wouldn’t let her. 

“Oh, Liara,” she said, surprised. She fixed the fiery ball of hair that sat on top of her head, letting it cascade down before pulling it back up into a neater bun. The smell of her, sea salt, and something floral flooded the space around her. “Did you need something?”

“I was just hoping to talk,” Liara said gently. She wanted her to know she wasn’t alone.

As if some great threat lingered behind them Shepard looked over her shoulder. “Sure, let’s go to your quarters.”

And as they padded quietly down the stairs, Liara could have sworn the Commander was waiting for someone to follow them. She was so distracted by Shepard’s demeanor - shrunken shoulders, steady but forced breathing - that she realized she didn’t have anything she needed to talk to Shepard about by the time they had walked through the medbay and were back in her room. 

She nervously rubbed her palms as Shepard surveyed the room and turned to her. “What is it you wanted to talk about?”

She would have to be bold. “I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay…after what happened on Edolus.” Shepard stared at her blankly. “Are you sleeping alright?” She knew the nightmares from the beacon had been keeping her up, no doubt the hunt for Cerberus was weighing on her even more. 

Shepherd pinned her with that stare, unwavering and bold. She wasn’t staring at her with malcontent, but rather intrigue. Surely trying to gauge if Liara was worthy of the truth that lay under layers of the Commander’s normal bravado.

“No.” Liara wasn’t sure what question she was answering until she said, “I’m not sleeping.” Shepard sat down on the chair closest to her desk and put her head in her hands - a warrior who badly needed rest. 

Liara sat in the seat next to her, turning her chair until they were facing. The Commander peered up at her after a few moments. “I could try to help you, you know with mind-melding. Sometimes it is helpful to have someone to share the burden with.”

Shepard gave her a half smile that barely touched her sea glass eyes. “The burdens I have…” she looked away, lost in a nightmare no doubt. “They’re things I would never want to put on anyone else.”

Liara nodded. She didn’t understand - her life until the last year or so had been rather boring and sheltered – but she wanted to. “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t think I could handle it. If it helps you even in the slightest, I want to do it.” She placed a hand over Shepard’s who winced at the touch but didn’t pull away. Her skin was cold but soft like velvety ice. 

“I haven’t had very good experiences with mind-melding. Every time something forces its way into my mind my nightmares get worse.” Liara looked at her and Shepard’s stare had become distant. “How is it that the one place that is supposed to be mine and mine alone is now infested with nightmares I never dreamed were possible.” Her voice had become venomous and sick and she pulled her hand away. Liara shuddered.

“The prothean beacon wasn’t made for your mind. It’s hardly a mind-melding experience. And Shiala…she only did that because you asked for it.” The tone with which she said those words was harsher than intended, but the Asari’s sacred power was nothing to sneer at. Shepard didn’t notice, surely trapped in her own thoughts. 

“I can’t.” She turned to Liara, warmth returned to her face. “Thank you, though. Offering that to me… means a lot. You’re a good friend, Liara.”

Liara’s heart fluttered and she hated it. She was a renowned scientist, an expert in her field, and a grown woman. She didn’t need to swoon every time Commander Shepard said anything nice about her. Yet, for fear that she’d leave she said, “I’ve been trying to find traces of my mother throughout the galaxy. Contacting old colleagues, friends, lovers even. But nothing. Everyone seems to think that Benezia suddenly changed half a year ago.” She frowned. 

“Your mother is a powerful woman, surely Saren is using her connections for something.” Shepard chewed on her lip, thinking. Then she grabbed Liara’s hand again and heat shot through the scientist, settling in her core. Liara was grateful that Asari lacked the red flush of embarrassment that humans seemed to get. “I’m sorry Liara. This can’t be easy, having to hunt down your mother. Listening to everyone say terrible things about her.”

Liara reveled at their palms touching, how her own skin seemed to warm Shepard’s. “We were never that close, but it is, without a doubt, disappointing.” 

“Well, I’m here if you ever need to talk,” the Commander offered. And with that, she dropped Liara’s hand. The two got up and Shepard walked to the door. 

Liara said quietly to her back, “Likewise, if you ever change your mind. You’re not alone Shepard. Not anymore.” 

She watched as the hardened war hero stiffened and then relaxed. When the Commander finally turned around she had a rim of moisture lining her eyelids. “Okay,” was all she said, and then she flitted through the doorway, taking all the air in the room out with her.

Chapter Text

Kaidan sat in the mess, his back against the wall to avoid prying eyes. At first glance he thought decrypting these files Tali gave him would be a piece of cake, but two hours in and he had only been able to open half of them. He tried to ignore the fact that he often found his eyes wandering to Shepard’s cabin door - she hadn’t come out all night. He was grateful though. At this point, he had nothing to say to her. That look in her eye earlier was so cold, that he felt nauseous just thinking about it. 

He realized now that the last few weeks had meant something to him, their friendship meant something to him. It wasn’t the fact that she was a great marine, smart as hell, and also happened to be beautiful. She listened to him - without judgment or fear - she listened to him and understood what it was like to be different, to question everything about yourself, and to come out on the other side a little battered and bruised but still human. Maybe most importantly, she trusted him. Not just in the way all marines trust each other on the battlefield, but with her secrets and her stories. A trust that she possibly hadn’t given to anyone except him since she lost her family. He felt his throat burning as acid crawled up, his chest tightened. 

He thought of the last few weeks and their late-night talks. Sometimes she’d spill her heart out, sometimes he’d share his burdens, though the most important one he still kept hidden from her. Sometimes they just sat in the rec room while he read and she worked on mission reports. He thought about her laugh - not the polite one she did in public or the more frequent one that carried no humor - the one that was brilliant and airy, that left her breathless and flushed, eyes glossy and bright. He had only heard it a few times usually by his own doing. That laugh transformed her from the jaded soldier to Emilia Shepard, whoever she was - he knew he had barely scratched the surface, that look in her eyes today was proof of that. 

She may have let him into her past, but what did it matter if he didn’t know the woman that sat behind that cabin door. He pushed the chair out from under him and winced at the shriek it made against the floor. If he wanted to find evidence supporting her he’d need help. 

========

Garrus sat at his bench next to the Mako reading from a datapad, a dim light hanging overhead gently illuminated the dark room. Kaidan approached him quietly as Wrex’s snores reverberated against the metal walls. He wasn’t sure why he took such careful steps, he imagined Wrex could probably sleep through anything. The turian peered up at him as if he could sense his presence, maybe he could. 

“Lieutenant, what can I do for you this evening?”

He liked Garrus well enough. They mostly stayed out of each other’s way, but he was an excellent sniper and had a knack for mission planning. Kaidan imagined that he would have made a great general. “I have a favor to ask you.” He pressed a few buttons on his omni-tool and watched as Garrus’s datapad lit up with a notification. “Tali found these files on Feros. I think they pertain to our mission on Cerberus, but it will take me days to get through them. I’ve already completed these,” he leaned over and swiped through the files in front of Garrus, “but it would be a lot faster if we split up the work.” 

Garrus sifted through the data. “Now?” he asked looking up at Kaidan. 

The lieutenant nodded. “Preferably…if you’re not busy.”

“Sure,” the turian said and gestured for Kaidan to take the seat next to him. 

They worked silently for some time, the only noise was the tapping of fingers on glossy screens and the slumbering krogan across the room. At first, Kaidan wondered how Garrus could stand it, but after a while, it became white noise in the background. 

Eventually, Garrus broke the silence and said, “I heard your argument today…well, a lot of us did.”

Kaidan stopped breathing. He wasn’t sure how much the aliens knew, but their loyalties were to Shepard only, not the Alliance. “And?”

“In most cultures, women tend to like you more if you don’t yell at them.”

He turned to Garrus, but the turian didn’t look up from his task. “I didn’t yell at her. And it’s not my job to make sure she likes me it’s my job to look out for my marines.”

“I wasn’t implying that wanting her to like you had anything to do with your job, quite the opposite…right?” Garrus met his gaze, what he imagined to be a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Kaidan’s cheeks heated and he swallowed hard. “I’m still trying to figure it out, but whatever it is I’m pretty sure I messed it up.”

“Is that why were staying up all night to find information to support her claims?” There was no amusement or malice in the question, just genuine curiosity. Kaidan wondered how much the aliens watched and were fascinated by their human behaviors. 

This was more than he was willing to share though, more than he even let himself think about. “I trust her judgment…I just - wait.” He flipped back to a document that flashed across Garrus’s screen. “That message. What does it say?”

Garrus read it aloud, “I don’t trust this Cerberus group. They may pay us well, but if this gets out before we’ve adopted an antidote…it’s just not smart. They won’t tell us what they want the samples for or why they wanted them delivered to the Matano system. My records show nothing of interest out there.”

“Who is it signed by?” Kaidan asked, but he was already flipping through information from the other day when he had been trying to find something on Armistan Banes. 

“Says it’s from the private logs of Doctor Gamorle. Do you think ExoGeni was working with this Cerberus group?”

Kaidan stared at his screen - the information glowing like a warning light. Doctor Gamorle - scientist for the Alliance until six months ago when he was dishonorably discharged. 

Shit. Shit. 

Even if Gamorale wasn’t working for the Alliance anymore this was too big of a coincidence to ignore. 

The Commander was right and he hadn’t trusted her. 

He thought of her beautiful eyes that always seemed to find his. Shepard had given a piece of herself to him that night she told him about her family, her home, Akuze. And that look she gave him today - it wasn’t anger, it was betrayal. She really meant it when she told him they were friends. A real friend - the kind that backs you up no matter what, someone who withholds judgments, who understands your flaws but likes you anyway. He briefly smiled to himself, he hadn’t had a friend like that in years and now he had royally fucked it up.  His stomach flipped as he tried to calculate a way to fix this. 

“Lieutenant?” Garrus said, breaking him from his trance. 

“I have to go.”

“Go where?” The turian asked perplexed. 

“To fix what I messed up,” he said as he headed toward the elevator. He stopped before he got there and turned around, “Garrus, thanks.” He was in too much of a hurry to see Garrus shrug in confusion.

=========

Standing in front of her cabin with sweaty palms, all his enthusiasm had waned as soon as he got to her door, but he knew he had to try. 

“Shepard?” he asked quietly, but urgently at her door. There was no response. He knocked and waited, but no one answered. It was late, she was probably asleep. 

Tomorrow. 

Tomorrow he would apologize and tell her how important their friendship was to him. They would figure out a more legal way to go about getting this information. He would help her because that’s what friends were for. 

========

The next morning Shepard deigned to bring him along to meet Helena Blake, though she hadn’t spent a single second looking in his direction. He was surprised she let him come though maybe she knew the fit he’d put up if she tried to keep him on the ship. He had been attempting to get a moment alone with her all morning, but she was doing a damn good job at ignoring him. 

Everything was made worse by the fact that today she wore her hair down - the deep ember locks floated in loose curls that fell down her back and draped over the chest of her armor. It took everything in him not to reach out and touch her.

 Garrus, Kaidan, and Shepard walked up to the meeting spot that Addison had set up on Ilium, the essentially lawless asari world dressed up with shiny skyscrapers and expensive gravcars. The world was luxury on the outside and underworld on the inside. 

Helena Blake was an older woman with ice white hair sitting in a perfect bun on top of her head, not a hair out of place. He could tell that she was beautiful once, still was in some way, though years of evading the law had clearly worn wrinkles into her forehead, the corners of her mouth, around her eyes. She wore a red floor-length gown that wrapped tightly around her sinewy body all the way up her neck. Addison looked different than yesterday. Adorned with deep black eyeliner around her brilliantly green eyes - had he noticed her eyes were green before? Her dark eyebrows and skin looked stunning against the emerald dress she wore. And suddenly he was jealous again. Jealous that she ever got to look at Shepard without layers of bureaucracy between them, got to kiss her with - 

He shook his head, he needed to focus. 

Helena’s eyes lit up in predatory delight at the sight of Shepard. “Commander Emilia Shepard. I have to say, I was surprised when Blair told me that she was old friends with the Alliance’s most notorious marine.”

Kaidan tried to hide the surprise on his face. Addison didn’t lie about who she was. He didn’t want to know the things she had to do, had to give up to get Helena to trust an N7. 

Shepard smiled with the lethal grace she wore so well. “Blair is so full of surprises.” Addison blinked. No sense of amusement was written on her face. 

“Well,” Blake looked over Kaidan and Garrus. “Who are your friends, Shepard?”

“Commander,” Shepard corrected her, her voice laced with a vicious kindness that made his skin crawl. Helena smirked but kept her stare on the two males. “This is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and Garrus Vakarian. They’re two of my most trusted associates.” He knew the way she said trusted was meant to be a knife in his heart. 

Helena sat down at the table next to them and the others followed suit. She ran a wolfish hand through Addison’s perfectly straight hair and tucked it behind her ear. The possessiveness of it made him shudder and he didn’t miss Shepard’s fingers twitch. Blair Addison played her role perfectly, even leaning into the touch that Helena provided. “While I trust Blair completely, tell me, why should I trust you?”

Shepard leaned forward, her elbows on the table and her chin resting on folded hands. She looked at Helena with a stare that could melt bones. “I don’t suppose you can.” A flicker of surprise moved across Blair’s face. Shepard leaned back. “Though, we’re not here to make friends Helena. We’re here to make a deal. I might fly an Alliance warship, but I am a spectre. I trust you understand what it would take for one to get to this position.” 

“And them? They’re not spectres,” she pointed to Kaidan and Garrus. 

Shepard laughed - angelic, deadly. “No, but they have other reasons to be loyal to me.” She winked. “And even more reason to fear me, should they ever decide another path is more worthy of their time.”

Kaidan knew it was all a rouse, but he couldn’t help but feel there was some layer of truth to her words. He forced his face to be an emotionless mask. 

Helena frowned but apparently didn’t care enough to push any further. “Here are the facts. Two of my colleagues - buffoons, both of them - have decided that they think they know what’s best. They’re scheming behind my back to take me out and name themselves as the new crime lords. Obviously, I can’t stand for this…not when innocent lives are at stake.” Addison looked at her with adoration. 

“Innocent lives?” Shepard asked.

“Certainly. The two are red sand dealers that make slaves out of their victims. Those who can’t pay are forced into batarian hands.” Kaidan looked to Shepard for some flicker of emotion, but she was steel - cold and hard. 

“So you want me to kill them?” Shepard asked with that unwavering calm. 

“Yes. Take care of them and I will reward you handsomely.” 

Shepard shrugged. “With what?”

Helena’s eyes gleamed as she said, “Are credits of no use to you?”

“I prefer to trade in other currencies,” Shepard said. Addison’s eyes betrayed her blank facade, this was clearly not part of the plan. “I’m looking for Matriarch Benezia. Find me information on her whereabouts or plans and your problem is taken care of.”

Helena’s eyes dropped to Shepard’s breasts and it was all Kaidan had in him not to lunge over the table and choke the woman to death. “I like a woman who knows what she wants.” Shepard didn’t flinch. Maybe that’s why she brought him, maybe this was a test. “Sure I can’t convince you to join our team, Commander?”

Shepard rose gracefully from her seat and Garrus and Kaidan followed. “I’m not good with commitment.” Blair let out a low laugh, much to everyone’s surprise. “I expect that information tonight. If it meets my expectations, I’ll send for the coordinates of your men.”

Blair rose, “I’ll walk you to the docks.” Helena nodded at her and the four of them headed to the Normandy. When they were out of Helena’s range Blair said, “I knew you were a good liar, but wow Emilia, stunning performance.” 

Shepard rolled her eyes. “I don’t know how you’ve suffered through her molesting gaze all these months.”

“It’s not so bad,” Addison winked and Kaidan cringed. The whole situation was bizarre. “She will get you that information and when this is all over, I’ll get you what I promised.” Shepard nodded and Commander Addison made to leave them. 

Kaidan reached out and grabbed the Commander’s arm. “Shepard, I -” 

She spun around with destructive force and he dropped her arm immediately as if touching her had burned him. “You’ve done a good job today of keeping your mouth shut, Alenko. Don’t ruin it now.” She stomped off toward the ship leaving him stunned. Garrus shot him an apologetic stare and then hurried to catch up with her. 

He tried to collect himself when Addison walked up to his side. “She’ll get over it. Don’t give up.”

He glared at her, infuriated. Everything had been fine before she came back into Shepard’s life. He knew it wasn’t her fault, not entirely, but it was far too easy to blame it on her. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Addison let out a dark laugh. It was so similar to Shepard’s that he wondered which one of them copied the other. “Four years ago I would have killed to have her look at me the way she looks at you.”

He unclenched his hands, still watching her walk away. “She hates me,” he murmured. 

“I used to pick fights just to see if I could get an ounce of emotion out of her, but I never could.” Blair shook her head. “Don’t get me wrong, that woman can argue. I thought this whole time it was what she had been through, all the walls she built to keep herself safe, but somehow it’s different with you. Not just in the way she spoke to you yesterday in that meeting or just now, but the way she looks at you when she thinks no one will notice.” 

She turned to him fully once the Commander was out of view and he hoped Blair couldn’t hear how hard his heart was beating. “We dated for two years and I loved her - God, did I love her - and she never once seemed to care. Not even the day I walked out of her life.” 

You don’t even know how much I care about you. 

That’s what she had said to him yesterday, barely a whisper. He didn’t even have time to process it before she barreled into him. 

“Look, I don’t know you Lieutenant, but if you feel any sort of way about that woman…” She shook her head in disbelief, “then fix it, fast. Because,” and he thought he heard her voice catch, “she is beyond rare.” And then she was gone, just as nimble and flawless as Shepard herself. 

“I know,” he whispered to no one.

Chapter Text

Shepard hadn’t gotten enough sleep and all she could hope was that it wouldn’t cost her today. Helena Blake had delivered on her promise and they had spent the last two days flying to the Fortuna system to hunt down her men. The asari matriarch was due to be in Noveria in three weeks. Apparently, she had some private business to attend to there. Shepard could only imagine what trouble Benezia and Saren could get into if they happened to find financial backing from some of the most wealthy and ruthless corporations in the galaxy. For that was what Noveria held - elite backroom dealings that shaped the way the galaxy functioned, all legal from a private perch on that snowy mountainous world.  

She was also avoiding Kaidan, avoiding him at all costs. The first day after their fight he had tried to talk to her at any opportunity, but she shut him down. She couldn’t fathom having to stand there and listen to his judgments or watch his eyes look at her with such silent disappointment again. The only reason she brought him to the meeting was because she knew she’d never hear the end of it if she left him out of the loop. She tried to leave him on the Normandy today, did her best to leave all of the Alliance marines out of this part - the messy part - but he wouldn’t have it.  If anyone thought she was stubborn, then they clearly had never met Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. 

She was a spectre. That’s what she told herself when she stomped out of that room past his petrified face a few days ago. She could make the decisions that others could not. Maybe that was true, she didn’t know anymore. What she did know was that something needed to change. She needed to change. She didn’t want to be an unthinking, weapon for the Alliance anymore. She wanted to be something better. And it was Kaidan who made her want that…because she didn’t think she couldn’t stand it if he looked at her like that one more time. 

But today wasn’t the day to change. She had sunk too deep into this deal and backing out now would risk all of their lives. She would give up a piece of her morality if it meant that her team was safe, that they were one step closer to Saren and Benezia, one step closer to hunting down the bastards that killed fifty marines on Akuze. 

The Commander placed her hand on her hips and surveyed the warehouse on the desolate planet. Towering sharp rock faces jutted up from the earth surrounding the compound. The soil on Amaranthine was an obsidian black and cool wind snaked up between her helmet and hardsuit. Blood would be spilled today. The blood of slavers and murderers and she would relish every single moment of it. She looked to her left at Kaidan who didn’t dare meet her gaze and to her right at Garrus. Wrex was behind her - an unstoppable team. She almost felt sorry for the scumbags inside this building. 

She didn’t need to speak. Didn’t need to tell them what their jobs were or the plan of attack. They had been working together for long enough that they were seamless, adapting to her orders once the battle had begun, each aware of their own strengths and weaknesses and those of their teammates. She almost beamed with pride. 

As they entered through the doors and stood in the entry port, Shepard tightened her grip on the shotgun in her hands. “On my mark,” she ordered and the doors cycled open. 

She had hoped for the element of surprise but was sorely disappointed to find the team inside armed and ready. Alenko had told them there were forty heat signatures on the other end. Not the largest group she ever brought down, but certainly nothing to laugh about. She had hoped that some of them would be workers, victims even, but taking one glance around the room, it appeared everyone in here was armed to the teeth and waiting…

Waiting as if they knew they were coming. It was a set-up. Fucking Helena Blake. 

As if he could read her mind Kaidan let out a breathy curse.

She grinned to herself, the kind of smile that made her enemies wet themselves and began shooting. The forty people in this room were no match for the four of them. Wrex alone could take on half of these people, Kaidan and Shepard the other half, and with Garrus on a sniper - they were toast. Despite that, she kept a close eye on everyone’s vitals. 

Wrex pushed off like a cannon and exploded into a group of mercenaries. Shooting and physically tearing them apart. Shepard focused on the snipers that littered the balcony - biotically warping them and then slamming them into a wall. They were too far for her to see the effects, but she took pleasure as each red dot on her screen faded away. She let Kaidan and Garrus deal with the drones that flew overhead and barreled her way upstairs to finish off whatever scum awaited them there. 

She took out a few mercenaries along the way with Kaidan’s help - he threw and she shot. And even though they hadn’t spoken in days and the last words they had said to each other were laced with anger, they moved on the battlefield like an extension of the other. She could feel every move he made, his presence, even from across the room and it shot hot sparks through her body. A feeling of power flooded her as she held one mercenary against the wall with her biotics and smashed the back of her shotgun into the head of another. She kicked his body into a crate and attempted to lift him the way she had only seen Kaidan do - the result was a snap in his spine. 

Oops.  

She shrugged and set her focus on the mercenary pinned against the wall, pleading for his life. She imagined what she might look like - luminous with an ethereal blue, her already sea-colored eyes sparkling with shocks of electricity. She hoped she looked otherworldly, like a demon, coming to claim his soul. She hoped that the last emotion he felt was fear because that’s all these scum deserved. 

Stalking toward him, she smiled, knowing that in doing so her teeth gleamed blindingly white in the backlighting of her biotics. She shoved her gun up against is trembling chin and didn’t flinch as his head exploded into bits of showering flesh. 

“All clear up here,” she said into the comm.

“Clear, Commander,” Kaidan said. She let out a sigh of relief. For all their hard work, that ambush was pathetic. 

She stared at the locked door in front of her and said, “Garrus, Wrex get up here and open this door.”

“Yes ma’am,” Garrus said. She could imagine that Wrex was grunting in response. She slapped them each on the back as she passed them, hurdling herself down the stairs toward Kaidan and a second locked room she had spotted earlier. 

When she stepped into the lower part of the warehouse he was already working away at it. Helmet off, his dark hair was messy. Beads of sweat dripped from the base of his neck around the sleek metal implant embedded into his skin and down into the depths of his armor. Her eyes scanned down his broad shoulders and imagined the perfect outline of the muscles in his back, his olive skin, the strength in his arms. By the time she approached him her mouth was dry, her mind blank of what she was even doing there. 

“Almost done,” he murmured.  

The locked room, right. 

“Shepard!” Wrex boomed over the comm line and she heard a door slam shut. Her heart dropped as a clap erupted from behind her and Kaidan. A gun was in both of their hands within seconds as they spun around, backs toward the still locked door. 

Helena glided toward them, flanked by three well-armored men, one of which was holding a metal rod to Blair’s throat, her hands tied behind her back. Shepard ground her teeth and growled at them. 

“I have to say, even I’m impressed with the efficiency in which you took down all those men,” Helena drawled. “My colleagues among them of course. Thank you by the way for that.” They had gotten close enough for her to see that the metal rod being held against Blair’s neck was actually burning her skin. Her fellow N7 didn’t even whimper as flesh melted underneath the hot electricity of the wand. She had seen them before, weapons made of titanium, used to subdue their subjects by sending electrical volts through their body - a sharp dagger at one end, but the shaft was hot as power flowed through it. 

The sudden memory of a training mission in N-school played in her head. They had all been thrown into an alien ocean, weighed down by their partner who was strapped to their back. All limbs were shackled by iron, the keys to each manacle being held by the opposite soldier. Blair had been her partner and by some miracle, they had made it out of that alive. They had made it through a lot together.

Shepard knew her eyes were desperate, betraying her hardened stance. “What do you want?”

“Well, what I wanted was for you to rid this world of my colleagues, but now I think I’ve grown bored of this traitorous liar and her friends.” Helena clicked her tongue as she caressed a finger down Addison’s face. The marine flinched at the touch even though it drove her skin closer to the weapon at her neck. 

Shepard knew at that minute that Wrex and Garrus were locked in the room above. She wanted to kick herself for being so blind, so cocky, and foolish. But the two of them could take three men easy, getting Addison out would be the hard part. 

The group stalked closer and Kaidan threw up a barrier around them as she braced herself for an attack. “Don’t get too eager,” Helena drawled at the same moment the doors behind them opened and four more men appeared, grabbing Kaidan and pinning his arms behind him. 

He immediately flung two of them into the walls of the room, effectively knocking them out. A tilt of his head and the metal rod at Addison’s neck lit up with a mass effect field and embedded into the mercenaries throat. 

Oh, he was good. 

After that stunt, the men holding him tackled him to the ground.

Shepard shot at the others as gunfire lit up the room, Helena more nimble than she looked dodged behind some crates. Blair, lethal even with her hands tied had one guard pinned while Shepard threw the other into the wall. She spun around to help Kaidan who struggled against the two guards that held him to the floor, but it was too late. She could only watch as one of the guards took another electrical prod and held it against the base of his head, next to his implant, and then drove the spiked end into his shoulder. 

His scream shattered her world. Through all of the horrible things in her life - the things she saw and fought through - she had never heard someone in so much agony. And every rude thing she said to him the last few days, every touch she shied away from, all the lopsided smiles he gave her, and the sound of her favorite laugh - the one he did when he was just a little bit embarrassed, it all danced through her mind. 

Her vision turned blue as she lit up the room with biotic energy and then she couldn’t see anything, could only feel the push and pull of gravity as she lifted one mercenary and bent his spine under her power, the other clawing up her leg as she pinned him with dark energy and the weight of her body. She didn’t see the man’s face form around the butt of her gun as she shoved it through his skull, but she did feel a flicker of movement behind a crate - a woman poised to escape. 

Even though it took everything in her to leave Kaidan’s limp body on the floor she turned and sprinted toward Helena who was making a run for the exit. Blair was fighting with the third guard that had regained consciousness after Shepard’s first throw. The Commander blasted his body with even more strength into the wall again and it thudded as he crumpled to the floor. 

“Shepard!” Blair called out, somewhere far away, but all Emilia could focus on was her prey. 

The evil woman that was now trembling, trapped against the wall, pleading for something. “I can be useful! The things I know…I have so much information,” Helena cried. 

But Shepard couldn’t hear her. She could only hear Kaidan screaming, her mother, his sister - screaming. She felt dark energy form around her fist and she plunged it into the woman’s chest until she felt the wall on the other side. 

And then there was silence. 

========

The sound of the doors opening stirred her awake. She winced as she adjusted to the unforgiving chair she had claimed in the medbay. Kaidan was on the cot in front of her - his only movements were the steady rise and fall of his chest. She frowned at the bandage around his shoulder, now soaked with blood. 

“I’m getting to it right now,” Chawkwas reprimanded.

Shepard tried to smile, but she could only muster up a pathetic one. Chawkwas had said he might be out for several days. She’d have to wait days to apologize to him, to hear his voice. As the doctor unwrapped his bandage her stomach constricted at the sight of his wound, the bruises that snaked like webbing down his neck. 

Another cycle of the door and Blair walked through. A band of burned flesh marred the tan skin of her neck. Dark hallows around her eyes made Shepard feel like at least someone looked as tired as she felt. 

“If you’d just let me put a bandage on that,” Chawkwas scolded. Blair shot her a glare that would send most people running away. Chawkwas just rolled her eyes and said, “she might be worse than you.” The doctor smiled at the half-laugh that fell through Shepard’s lips. 

“Can I talk to you?” Blair asked quietly. 

Shepard looked at Kaidan. “He’s in good hands,” Chawkwas said gently. Shepard nodded, not sure she’d trust her unconscious friend with anyone else. 

The two women walked into the Commander’s cabin. Shepard sat on her bed, springy and non-conforming under her weight. Addison sat at the desk chair. The room was not really big enough for two people. 

She hadn’t showered since their return from the mission and she knew she smelled like sweat and blood. The only injury she sustained was a deep gash in the side of her leg thanks to the mercenary she pinned earlier. At the time she thought it was his fingers, but as it turned out, a knife had been raked through her flesh. She didn’t even notice it until they got out of the Mako and found blood pooled at her feet. 

Chawkwas tried to fuss over it, but Shepard had growled so loudly that if Kaidan didn’t get help first she would make a perfect replica of the wound on her other leg.

First do no harm, right doc? She had sneered, a knife in her hand. God, she owed that woman a bottle of whiskey…or ten. 

“I just wanted to apologize,” Addison said. It surprised her, she thought she was going to get a lecture on reigning in her biotics. “I should have known what I was getting you into. She fooled me and I dragged you into it.”

“It’s not your fault. I mean it is,” she gave her friend a wry smile, “but I’m glad I was there to bail you out.”

Addison rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “You were crazy in there. I legitimately thought you lost it.”

Shepard huffed out a laugh. “I think I did.”

Addison looked at the Commander’s hands as if they threatened to ignite at any moment, “I didn’t know you were that powerful.”

Just for kicks, she lit up her hands and Addison flinched. Two months ago she would have hated that response, but now she wanted to laugh. Laugh and go tell Kaidan about it. “Me either,” she murmured. 

Blair had collected herself again. She tilted her head, tauntingly. “Your secret is safe with me, but girl, you have it bad.”

Shepard immediately flushed. There was no point in denying it. Not to this person, the one who probably knew her better than anyone except- 

It hurt her to think about how much she likely ruined any friendship with Kaidan. This whole thing was her fault. “I know,” was all she said. 

Shepard looked up as her friend let out a humorless laugh. “You know I was actually jealous of him? How pathetic is that? The minute I met him in that meeting and saw the way you looked at him-”

“Blair-,” she whispered.

“No, it's fine. I’ve moved on.” Addison looked at her with a sad kind of wisdom in her eyes, one born from trials and errors. “Really.” And Shepard knew it was true. “I’m happy for you, for finally finding someone to let in. He must be really special.” 

“He is,” she said breathlessly. She decimated those people for hurting him and she’d do it again in a heartbeat.

“You deserve it.” They smiled at each other. Shepard didn’t need to tell her that it was far from a happy ending. Blair knew the rules and regulations that would stop them from being together. Knew all the hurdles and hoops they’d have to go through to keep their jobs. And that was if he ever forgave her - if he ever let her in.

Blair cleared her throat and stood up. “You also deserve for me to leave you the hell alone. What do you say? See you in a couple of years?”

Shepard laughed. “Sounds good.” They had docked at an Alliance port somewhere in the Terminus yesterday, but Shepard had insisted Blair stay on the Normandy until she was feeling better.  As her friend headed to the door Shepard said, “You know I always have your back, right? No matter how much you hate me. You’ll always mean something to me.”

Blair turned around and gave her a wicked smile. “I know.” The doors closed silently behind her. 

The next day a file of information about Cerberus appeared in her inbox with a message.

I hope you find what you're looking for. Consider us even. 

--Blair

========

They stayed docked at port for two more days. Chawkwas insisted that if they needed to send Kaidan to a bigger hospital to see a neurologist, she wanted him to be able to get there as fast as possible. Shepard wanted to tell her that she wouldn’t let anyone else touch the lieutenant unless it was absolutely necessary, but she kept her mouth shut. The crew went about their business trying to ignore the giant elephant on the ship - Shepard wouldn’t leave Kaidan’s side. 

“I would do it if it were any of you,” she had told Joker one night. 

“He is awfully handsome, I’ll give him that.”

She had chucked a pillow at his head and he left. 

Sometimes Liara sat with her and they talked about what the scientist knew of Noveria. Garrus would come up at those times and they would discuss tactics. None of them said anything about the Commander being camped out next to her lieutenant and she was grateful. She didn’t feel like explaining it to anyone, not when she had barely begun to explain it to herself. 

Williams walked through the doors on the morning of the first day and then the second, coffee in hand. Shepard sat up and put down the book Kaidan had recommended to her on the table. Williams handed her the mug and plopped into the seat beside her just as she had done the day before. Yesterday they talked, about Ashley’s family and about poetry. Shepard was ashamed to admit that she had spent little time getting to know the soldier that she saw so much of herself in or at least thought she had. 

Ashley was vastly different than Shepard though, she spoke with hope and a glimmer of happiness in her eyes. She held her head high despite what had happened to her men on Eden Prime. Shepard hadn’t done that. After Akuze she had drunk herself into a stupor until Anderson pulled her out and offered her an invitation to N-school. Williams would make a good N7, she thought to herself, but she knew the truth - she’d never get in. Her family’s name had left a stain on her that wouldn’t come off no matter how hard she tried and that pissed Shepard off. 

“How is he doing?” Williams asked, blowing on the steaming liquid. 

Shepard shrugged. “The same. Chawkwas said that the electric shock basically reset his implant. She’s not sure what that means for him, but she thinks it won’t have any permanent effects.”

“Maybe his migraines will be gone,” the Chief offered. 

Shepard frowned. “I hope it didn’t have that much of an impact. That would mean any other slew of side-effects would be up for grabs.”

Ashley clicked her tongue and shook her head, “Such a pessimist.”

Shepard hugged her knees to her chest, eyes on Kaidan. “I fucked up,” she whispered into the fabric of her N7 jacket. 

In her periphery, Williams shook her head. “This isn’t your fault.”

The Commander turned her head to look at her, a wild desperation in her sleep-deprived eyes. “It is though. And the things I said to him,” she sighed. 

“He’s going to forgive you,” Williams said. 

She looked at his shirtless still form. She had seen him with his shirt off before, had admired the smooth plane of muscle that made up his chest, a body honed over years of training and battles. She couldn’t even enjoy it now as anxiety gnawed at her. “How do you know?”

Ashley didn’t say anything for a few moments. Shepard wondered if she was holding back a comment about how unprofessional their relationship was. Fraternization didn’t just include being romantically involved with one of her subordinates, it meant she couldn’t be friends with them either. Though the latter was usually overlooked. Instead, Williams said, “Because he waited in this exact seat for fifteen hours for you to wake up.” She sighed, “and that was before…well never mind.”

Shepard looked at her, a sly smile written across the Chief’s face. She wanted to hug her for not saying the words she knew everyone was thinking. Shepard took a sip of her coffee and sat back. “I’m sorry I was rude to you when you first joined the team.”

Ashley stiffened. “You weren’t-”

“I was and you don’t have to deny it. Kaidan was actually the one who told me to back off.” She could see Williams looking at him fondly. “It made me question why I was treating you so badly and I think it was because you reminded me so much of myself.” She turned to look at the young officer again. “But you’re nothing like me Ashely, you’re better.”

The Chief’s eyes glistened in the fluorescent medbay lighting and Shepard prayed Williams wouldn’t start crying, she didn’t think she could handle that with everything else going on. And then they both turned to Kaidan, his hand lightly brushing the sheet. Shepard was standing next to him in an instant. When she looked up, Williams smiled warmly at her and then left the room in silence. 

“Kaidan?” Dammit her voice was so shaky. When had she become this uneven ball of emotion?

He turned his head eyes still closed and winced at the movement. His eyes fluttered open, but he clamped them shut, his face contorting in pain. She placed her hand over his and he gripped hers with enough strength to break it. A worthy punishment for everything she put him through. Leaning over his bed she tapped on the screen that registered the command for morphine. “Don’t move too much, help is on the way.” A few moments passed and then he was asleep again. 

Reluctantly she let go of his now limp hand, moved her chair next to his bed, and waited. 

Chapter Text

The beeping noises of the medbay always made his heart race and as consciousness flooded back into him, he wished for death. His head felt like some great monster was trying desperately to claw its way out, destroying any rational thought or command he gave to his body. He remembered a hand, warm against his that eased the suffering, but it was gone now. He let out a groan of desperation. He would gladly die if it meant not having to feel this explosive fire radiating through his body. 

“Kaidan, I’ve given you some medications to help with the pain.” It wasn’t her voice - not the one that heated his core, solidified him, made him stronger - this was the voice of someone else he knew and trusted.

He let out a sigh of relief as it ebbed into a dull throbbing agony. He could remember who he was. His eyelids fluttered open to find Doctor Chawkwas standing over him, smiling.

“Do you know where you are?” she asked.

“The Normandy medbay,” he tried to say, but his voice was sand in his throat. He coughed and the doctor handed him a glass of water with a straw. He sipped it gingerly, careful to not move a single inch of his body too fast. “The Normandy medbay,” he said more clearly. The images of their mission for Helena flashed through his mind, he shut his eyes against the memory of pain, and then a flash of blue was all he could remember. 

“Don’t try to do too much too quickly,” the doctor warned. 

He ignored her and forced his eyes open. “Where’s Shepard? Is she okay?”

Chawkwas smiled and nodded her head to his left. Slowly he turned his head and there she was. Curled up on the bed next to his, in her BDUs, a bandage peeking out from her left pant leg. Her dark red hair fell in heavy curtains over her face which formed into a scowl as she slept. “She’s even moody when she’s sleeping,” Chawkwas murmured.

Kaidan laughed and it was the wrong thing to do. It hurt every part of him, a shockwave of pain from his head down his neck, spreading through his nerves like wildfire. He let out a gasp of breath so loud he was certain it would wake the sleeping Commander, but she just slept through it, lightly snoring.

“Just let it pass,” Chawkwas hummed. “Take a deep breath.”

He did as he was told and the pain faded into its lesser form. He kept his gaze on the Commander. She looked just as beautiful and unharmed as before their mission went to shit.

“She hasn’t left your side since the moment she brought you back on the ship - well except for the time I forced her to go take a shower,” Chawkwas said. It took Kaidan a great effort not to laugh at that.

“How long have I been out?” he managed to ask.

“Three or so days.” He turned abruptly to her, immediately regretting it. He gritted his teeth and seethed at the pain. 

“Three days?” he said through his teeth. 

“I told you not to do too much at once. Yes, three days. You took quite the jolt to your implant, but I suspect there won’t be any lasting effects.” She moved back to stand at her desk. “I gave her a sedative,” she murmured.

“What?” He could barely hear her through the pounding in his head. 

“Shepard. Every time you moved an inch she would startle awake. She was getting irritable and annoying without sleep so I sedated her.” The doctor shrugged and left the room.

Kaidan couldn’t help it, he laughed and took the pain that came with it. He moved his head again to watch her sleeping, dreaming…clearly she wasn’t getting her way with that frown on her face. He reached out, his shoulder aching in protest, and put his fingers over hers, rubbing his thumb over the soft skin that covered the back of her hand. Her fingers wrapped around his and he looked at her, still sleeping, but smiling under her sea of burgundy hair.

========

When he woke up again the pain was manageable even without medications. He knew she was there, awake before he opened his eyes. He could smell her, sea salt and orchids. Opening his eyes, he took in the sight of her: cross-legged, reading his book, hair back-up in a messy bun. She peered over the book and gave him a smile that melted his heart. 

“Hi,” she said quietly. Placing the book open on the table, he cringed at the bend in its cover. Watching his gaze she grabbed the book and closed it, laying it on its back. “Sorry,” she said sheepishly, but the damage was done - he could already tell. 

He smiled at her. “I’m out for a few days and you’re already ruining my stuff?” She let out a laugh of relief and her eyes glazed over. “Shepard,” he whispered. He wanted to touch her, hold her hand again, but he couldn’t.

She fought back the silver lining her eyes with success and gave him a bigger smile. “Chawkwas told me you woke up last night while I was asleep. She said you were in a lot of pain. Are you okay now?”

He told her the truth. “It hurts, but it’s much better.” 

“I’m so sorry,” she said breathlessly as if she had been holding the words in for days, he supposed she had. 

“Me too,” he said. She looked at him with confusion. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I dragged us into a dangerous mission for my own personal obsession over something.”

“But you weren’t wrong,” he said. He told her about the files he went through with Garrus and about Doctor Gamorle.

She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have put you or the team at risk. I shouldn’t have asked Blair to do those things. I’m ashamed of myself.” She fiddled with her fingernails. 

“Did you get them though?” he asked.

“Yeah, but I haven’t looked through them.” She sighed and paced around the room. He watched her flow up and down the walkway with inhuman grace. “I don’t know if I should. The Alliance keeps secrets for a reason. You were right, it feels like the wrong thing to do.”

He pushed himself to sit up in the bed, letting out a little groan as his weight shifted into his injured shoulder. She immediately stopped and flitted over to him. 

“You’re going to have to stop looking at me like I’m going to break any second,” he said.

She nodded solemnly and backed off.

“You have to read them. We didn’t go through all of this for nothing.” She bit her bottom lip and he traced the outline of her mouth with his eyes. “You’re a spectre, Shepard. Sometimes that means getting your hands dirty. Just make sure it’s for the right reasons. I know you will.” He smiled and then gave her a pensive look. “And when you don’t, I’ll be there to remind you. But next time I’ll be better, Emilia - I’ll be a better friend.” 

She looked at him with what he hoped was longing, but he didn’t dare let himself believe that it was. “You should get some rest, I’ll come back and check on you. We’ll be in Noveria in a couple of weeks and I need you back in action.”

He nodded. “Yes, ma’am.” But before she could move too far away he grabbed her wrist. She stilled in his hand, leaning into him. “You could stay,” he murmured.

And when she turned around to look at him, her eyes traced every part of his exposed body until he wasn’t sure he was breathing. It took him a second to even notice that his hand was still tight around her wrist and that her own hand gripped his arm. Nails dug into his skin as she looked so deeply into his eyes that he forgot that there was a Normandy, a rogue spectre on the loose, and a million reasons he shouldn’t pull her into him and kiss her until neither one of them could breathe. 

“You’re awake!” Williams boomed. 

They let go of each other instantly and Shepard looked toward the door. He glanced to the foot of the bed, grateful the blanket covered all evidence of the thoughts he was having a moment before. But if Ashley noticed the flush in both of their faces she didn’t say anything. 

“I brought you coffee,” the Chief said, handing him a mug.

And then Emerson was there, and Rahman and the rest of his marines flooded through the doors, each one happy to see him awake. He pretended not to notice as Shepard slipped out of the room and took a piece of him with her.

Chapter Text

Shepard walked out of the medbay and immediately into a freezing cold shower. She was surprised that steam didn’t form as the water covered her body. The way he looked at her, grabbed her. She took a deep breath and shivered under the poor water pressure. She was Commander Emilia Shepard, Commanding Officer of the Normandy, the first human fucking spectre. She would not be tempted to lose everything she built for a man. Even if that man was smart and talented and kind and good. Even though, when he looked at her it was like she had known him her whole life and every life before that. She wouldn’t give in to her desire to trace every inch of his body…

She let out a groan and turned off the shower. God, she needed a run. But if she couldn’t run then there was only one other solution to all of this. She stomped out of the communal bathroom and thanked a nameless god that she had a private bedroom.

========

That night was the first night in days she spent in her own bed. She had to convince herself, actually talk herself out of going back to the medbay to spend the evening in there on one of those flimsy cots.

Yet she still found herself in there the next morning and afternoon and now it had been a full day spent sitting next to the lieutenant - reading or talking, or writing reports. But what else did she have to do? The Normandy was heading toward Noveria early and all they could do was wait.

“Tell me about your family,” she said as he drifted in and out of sleep.

He opened one eye and turned to her. “My family?”

Sitting in her chair, legs propped up on his bed, she shoved his hip with her foot. “Yeah. I mean I already know your mom is the kind of mom who puts little spaceships in her son’s care packages.”

He straightened up. “Hey, you said you wouldn’t make fun of me!”

“I said I wouldn’t laugh,” she smirked at him, “there’s a difference.”

He glared at her but said, “I have an older brother. His name is Lucas and he is better than me at everything except when it comes to computers.”

She lifted her eyebrows. “Oh is he single?”

The look he gave her should have made her blood run cold, but she could guess the reasoning behind it and instead tried to hide her flush. “He’s married. Two kids.” He played with a thread on the bed sheet. “I haven’t talked to him in a while.”

She realized something she supposed she knew all along. She didn’t know Kaidan. Not really. She was too busy using him as a sounding board to realize that he never told her anything about himself other than the very little information he gave about Brain Camp and Rahna. It hit her harder than she expected.

“What happened, Kaidan?” she asked softly.

And because they had been peeling each other apart for over a month he knew what she meant. “We had these training days, really grueling ones. Vyrnnus wasn’t trying to make us into good little soldiers, he was punishing us for being human.” She knew Vyrnnus was the turian Conatix had hired to teach the biotic children on Jump Zero, that much he had told her.

So carefully, as if he was sifting through a broken glass memory, each piece ready to cut him, he relived it for her. And she hoped that like her own experience, sharing it would ease the burden for him.

Something Liara said to her rang clear in her mind. Shepard had told her she wasn’t willing to share her own burdens with anyone else, but she had already begun to do that…with Kaidan. And she thought that maybe, just maybe, the two of them - broken by their own experiences - could begin to heal with the help of the other. Maybe everything they had been through was too much for one person to carry, but if there were two of them…

His voice turned cold. “I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck.” The look on his face was nothing short of disgust, she realized for himself. “She didn’t want anything to do with me after that, but how could I blame her.”

That little bitch.

“That’s why you’re so reserved.”

“What?”

She frowned at his annoyed expression and sat back in her chair, placing her legs on the bed again. “Everything you do is controlled, tempered. I know how powerful your biotics are. I can feel them in a room, but I’ve only ever seen you use a fraction of that power.” She shrugged. “You had no control and it cost you. You killed someone and lost the girl you loved all in one day.”

He stared at her with a look that made her breathing slow. “How do you do that?” he asked.

She steeled herself. “Do what?”

He kept staring, unraveling her more and more. “Understand everything about me.”

She felt her self-control slipping, but held tightly to it. This was a time to be supportive of Kaidan, not for daydreaming. At least today he was wearing a shirt.

She cleared her throat and stared at something else in the room, ignoring his question. “I’m sure she made you feel like a monster. I’m sure you made yourself feel like a monster, but the truth of it Kaidan is that you were just protecting someone you loved. And at least for me - I would kill every batarian in the galaxy if it meant saving my sister.”

She held back that if it was seventeen-year-old Emilia he was protecting, she would have given him all of herself right then and there. And it was that thought that made her say, “But maybe I’m not the best person to compare yourself to.”

“You’re the best person I know.” She wanted to laugh in his face until he tilted his head to the side and said, “Though maybe that part about the mass genocide of batarians takes you down a notch.” He gave her a shit-eating grin.

She laughed. “It’s a miracle you don’t hate all turians.”

He shrugged and shook his head. “Even then I didn’t. How could I? They’re just sinners and saints like we are. Yeah maybe to some of those kids he was the evil turian commander, but to me, he was just Vyrnnus.”

She looked at him with awe. “And that’s why you’re the best person I know.”

“I didn’t expect to tell you that story and for you to say that by the end of it.”

“What did you expect?” she asked.

He looked down at his lap. “I don’t know. I’m not sure why it took me so long to tell you. I’m thirty-two years old, I like to think I’ve come to terms with my demons, but I guess your opinion of me matters too much.”

She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t a good person. She had done so many terrible things, things she was ashamed of, but he made her want to be one. To be as good as him. Instead, she stood up and adjusted her clothes. “I should go to bed.”

Worry etched into his face. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that it's just -”

“No. No, please don’t think -” she shook her head trying to get the words right, “I feel the same way.” That would have to be enough. She couldn’t allow herself to say anything more than that.

“Goodnight, Shepard,” he said as she left the room.

========

With only twenty-four hours to reach Noveria, Shepard had spent the rest of her time pouring over the Cerberus documents. Each one made her feel like she needed a shower. She was grateful for the distraction though and even more grateful the whole team was helping her.

Garrus and Liara sat on either side of her, with Kaidan - discharged this morning from Chawkwas care - in front of her, Ashley and Tali at the end of the table. Now and then she’d look up from her task to find him studying her before quickly looking away. It was all she could do to not sit there with a stupid smile on her face. A nudge under the table from Garrus kept her focused. They didn’t speak about it, but somehow he had figured out what was distracting her that day on the Citadel and while she appreciated him keeping his mouth shut, it was nice to know she had someone to talk to about it. Not that she ever would.

“I don’t get it. It’s a human terrorist group that claims humanity should be put above all else, though all I’m finding is these awful experiments they’ve performed on their own race,” Garrus said.

“I don’t think it’s supposed to make sense. They’re just sick people. The worst part is that almost all of them used to be Alliance personnel. Look at this,” Kaidan shoved a list of fifty names in front of Shepard and Garrus. “That’s just the amount of people who made up the original rogue faction. Think about how many more have joined since then.”

Shepard ran a finger down the list - of course, Armistan Banes was on there. She still wondered if he had really died or not. And what about Exogeni - was Cerberus behind the Thorian?

“Reminds me of a sicko I tried to hunt down when I worked for C-sec,” Garrus mumbled.

“Sounds like there might be a good story there,” Ashley said.

Shepard was intrigued. “Do tell, Garrus.”

The turian put down his data pad as they all watched him. “Early in my career, I was tasked with monitoring the black market. There was a month when I saw an up-tick in the trade of body parts, organs mostly.”

“Organs?” Ashley gasped.

“Yeah, unfortunately, that’s not an uncommon practice. But these numbers were astronomical - either some lab had severely messed up their project or someone was killing citizens and selling their parts,” Garrus said.

“Yuck, that is-”

“Just let him finish, Williams,” Shepard growled.

Williams shut her mouth and Shepard nodded at Garrus. “Anyway, we got a hold of a liver - ran some DNA tests on it. Weirdly enough, the turian it belonged to was still alive and very much convinced he had never lost his liver.” Garrus took a sip of water and continued, “some more digging, and I found that that same turian had done some work for a salarian geneticist named Doctor Saleon. We went into his lab thinking we’d find an organ cloning factory, but inside there was nothing. Not a single organ. I think they claimed they were researching trans-species transplantation, but not with actual models.” Everyone at the table was listening to his story with horror and fascination. “Finally we get ahold of some of his employees for an interview.”

A snort. “More like an interrogation,” Kaidan murmured.

Garrus looked at him with an unreadable expression. “Call it what you want. During the interrogation, the man just started profusely bleeding under his shirt. We forced him to have a medical doctor take a look and what they found was…disturbing.” The turian paused for dramatic effect, “Saleon’s employee had multiple organs growing inside his body, he was a one man cloning factory. And he was one of many many employees.”

“Ew!” Williams said as she made a vomiting motion.

Garrus just shook his head. “Most of the people who worked for him were poor, naturally. He would pay them each a percentage of the sale, but only if the organs were functional enough to sell.”

“Tell me you caught the bastard,” Kaidan grumbled. Shepard’s hands tingled at the anger in his voice.

The turian’s expression changed from depressed to angry in a flash. “That’s the worst part,” he growled, “he ran - grabbed his supplies and hostages and ran for the nearest space dock. By the time I caught up to him his ship was taking off over the Citadel.” He sighed. “I put in the order to have the ship shot down, but C-sec HQ overrode it. They said they were worried about the hostage’s lives and any civilian casualties if the ship crashed into one of the wards.”

“They didn’t want to go after him once he had left the Citadel?” Tali asked.

Garrus shook his head. “They wouldn’t budge. Said one man wasn’t worth the trouble. I was a young officer at the time so I just let it go.”

“Killing those people would have probably been a kindness after everything they had been through,” Ashley murmured.

“I guess I can see both sides,” Kaidan said.

Garrus just glared at him. To avoid a pissing contest Shepard said, “Do you know what happened to him?”

“I put out feelers now and then. I think he goes by Doctor Hart now, probably his idea of a joke. I have the name of his ship, but I’ve never had the resources to hunt him down.”

“Give it to Crosby and we can look into it,” Shepard offered.

Garrus just stared at her. The figures on his blue visor screen hurried back and forth and she wondered how he didn’t constantly get distracted from it. “Really?”

“Yeah. I can’t have someone like that running free under my watch.”

A laugh from Kaidan. “Commander Shepard to the rescue,” he mused.

“Shut up,” she said, but she was smiling at him.

Garrus pushed up from his seat ready to go find Crosby, “Thank you, Shepard. You don’t know - thank you.” It was the most emotional she had ever seen him get and it warmed her heart, but she just shrugged as if it was no big deal.

“Shepard,” Liara said breathlessly and all the happiness in the room faded out. She had honestly forgotten Liara was sitting there, but while everyone was enthralled in Garrus’s story the scientist had continued to look at Cerberus files.

Shepard looked over Liara’s shoulder at the data pad and time slowed. For a minute all she could hear was a pounding in her head so loud she wanted to scream for it to stop, but then realized it was the sound of her heart as it beat slowly against her chest. Bile rose in her throat as she read the mission report in front of her. And suddenly the world was spinning and now she could hear other sounds but they were screams, pleas, and goodbyes. She wasn’t on the Normandy anymore, she was on that desert floor as a monster towered over her and acid burned up her leg.

“Shepard!” Liara’s voice was urgent as she placed a hand on her shoulder. The table came into focus and she could see worry in Kaidan’s eyes. She looked up at Liara, “Admiral Hackett is on the vidcom for you. Tucks, just paged.”

Shepard wasn’t sure how long she had been staring at the report but hot tears pooled in her vision. She aggressively wiped them away in hopes that no one would see them and stood up from the table. “I’m going to find them,” she snarled so quietly it was almost incoherent. Kaidan desperately grabbed for the data pad as she stormed up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The information had seared into her mind.

Data log entry #210

Akuze was somewhat successful. Raw data collected showed both maws appeared at the same time despite their previous known behavior of being territorial. Chosen frequency at 147Hz. Casualties were substantial as predicted. Survivors were minimal but incapacitated enough for easy acquisition.

She shook her head and fought back the tears.

No.

No.

No one survived Akuze, she made sure before leaving. She heard Toombs scream out as the maw attacked.

But what if…what if…

Incapacitated enough for easy acquisition.

She ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. These files were obtained from Alliance databases. That means they’ve had this information this whole time. She wondered if Anderson knew and prayed that he didn’t.

Hackett was waiting to speak to her. Did he know about the files that were now in her possession? She splashed water on her face and found herself standing in front of the comm room doors.

Deep breath.

“Shepard,” Hackett said by way of greeting as she walked into the room. Her face was a blank mask. She wanted to yell at him. Scream and tear down this entire ship, but the second she asked about Cerberus it might tip him off and it wasn’t just her job at stake here. No, she would be the perfect soldier.

“Admiral,” she said and saluted.

“Shepard, I have some disturbing news.” She held her breath. “There’s an Alliance training ground where we test new weapons and technology in live-fire simulations.” She let it out. “One of the VI’s we use to simulate energy tactics in the drills on the Luna base is no longer responding to our override commands. It’s gone rogue.”

She cocked her head. “Are you telling me this computer is thinking on its own?”

The holographic Admiral might as well have rolled his eyes with the look he gave her. “We’re not stupid Shepard, this is a virtual intelligence, not a true AI. It’s not self-aware, and it can’t access any external systems.” He stared at her as if regretting his decision to ask for her help. “We didn’t do anything illegal. I don’t need to tell you how vital VIs are to our systems.”

“How can I help, sir?” The Perfect Soldier asked.

“I need you to fight through the training ground to the VI core and manually disable it.” That seemed easy enough.

“Is this an urgent matter, Admiral?”

“Yes. The VI controls all of the base’s weapons, drones, and automated defenses. Your the only marine I have that can pull this off.”

Normally she would have been flattered, but today she was tired of being the Alliance’s puppet. “Sir, I’m going to meet with Benezia in less than two weeks. I’m heading to Noveria right now.”

“I know that Shepard. She’ll be there for a day or two at least though and as I’ve already said, you’re the only one I trust with this.”

“With all due respect sir, I’ve been hunting Saren and Benezia with no luck for months. This could be a real shot at pinning them down.”

“Your priority is getting Saren, but you have some time. I have faith you’ll be able to make it work. Hackett out.” His holographic form disappeared.

The Commander gripped the railing and screamed. The metal warped slightly under the dark energy that rolled off her body.

“Shepard?” His voice was barely a whisper from the doorway.

Her whole body shook as she held herself over the metal barrier, panting. She blew a stray hair out of her face and turned around to face him. His body leaned against the door, casual, though his face showed all the pain she was trying to shove down with anger. She couldn’t remember a time when the sight of her in this form didn’t make people run as far away as possible. Here he was, giving her space not because he was afraid, but because he was waiting for her cue to let him in.

It was too much. Shepard knew if he crossed the room, if he embraced her, she’d break and she refused to do that in front of him.

“What can I do?” he asked quietly.

“Tell Joker we need to turn around and head to the Luna base. Tell him we have to get there as fast as possible.” She choked back tears. “Can you do that?”

He nodded, confused, but not willing to question it. “Shepard, I’m sorry…we’ll find them-”

She couldn’t hear it. She didn’t want his pity. “Kaidan, please,” she begged, “I just need to be left alone.” Shepard gave him what was probably the most pathetic smile so as not to hurt his feelings, left, and then locked herself in her cabin.

Chapter Text

Kaidan finished giving Joker Shepard’s orders and then let out a sigh that was more dramatic than he intended. Joker turned around in his chair. “Is this the part where you want me to ask if you’re okay?”

The lieutenant narrowed his gaze. “No,” he muttered and then stomped out.

Everyone had left the mess after Shepard’s departure. He had never seen her so utterly shocked, though after reading that file he was surprised she didn’t break the table. He almost marveled at the warped metal bar in the comm room and how her biotics rolled off her body like steam.

He knew why the Alliance kept this information from her. What good would it do to tell her now? But the fact that those men hadn’t been apprehended years ago made him sick.

He stood in front of Liara’s door and pounded. When she opened it the look in her eyes was unreadable. The scientist turned her back to him as he followed her in. “A little warning would have been nice,” Kaidan said.

“I wasn’t aware that I needed to run things by you,” she snapped. “Are you her protector now? Should I have handed the information over to you so you could filter it for her?” The look she gave him was angrier than he expected and his fury simmered.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I would accuse you of doing anything wrong. I’m…I’m sorry, Liara,” he said. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. Her face was softer when he looked up.

“You’re not the only one who cares about her you know,” she murmured. And he knew the words she implied but didn’t say.

“I know,” was all he said in response. They sat in silence for a few moments and he tried to sort through his thoughts. “I can’t stand seeing her like that,” he said, the words vicious as he thought about the psychopaths that put on that experiment.

“Me too. I looked through the rest of the files and complied the information…so she doesn’t have to.”

He let out a sad laugh. “You know she’s going to read every single one of those files, probably more than once.”

“I hoped she wouldn’t. They’re vile,” she shook her head in disgust, “How could anyone do that to living human beings or any sapient species for that matter?”

Kaidan didn’t want to know the details, but he would read them for Shepard’s sake. To at least try to understand the pain she was going through. “Did you get names?”

Liara nodded. “A few. Certainly not all of them. It appears that some of them aren’t even alive anymore.”

He glared at nothing. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” Standing up he headed for the door, not sure of where he would go to fight the urge to comfort her. “You’ll send it all to me?”

“Of course. Kaidan?” She asked. He looked at her in response. “I’m a little afraid of what she’ll do.”

He thought about the raw power that emanated from her body, illuminating her like a lightning storm. “I think that’s a fair concern.”

Liara’s face was worried. “You think she’ll be okay?”

“I know she will be,” he said.

“How?”

He took a deep breath and let it out. “Because she’s better and stronger than anyone else I know.”

========

Except for going to the bathroom, Shepard came out of her cabin three times in the two days it took to get to the Sol System. The first time was to grab the data pad that had the Akuze information on it. The second was to grab a ten-kilogram bag of candy the whole crew shared. The third was to ask Kaidan for another book.

He tried not to be obvious as he sat in the rec room in the only chair that had a perfect view of her door. Even though he had been camped out there for most of the time they were en route, he still missed her come out until she was standing over him shoving a book in his face.

“Do you have another one?” she had asked, her eyes hollow and her skin pale.

He rummaged through his duffle and handed her a different one. He was going to ask her to sit with him, but she immediately turned around and went back into her room.

He debated following her, wondered if she would kick him out, but the thought of her begging him to leave her alone kept him rooted in place. Kaidan tried to tell himself that this was traumatizing in a way he could only begin to understand, but he missed her laugh and the way she teased him. If he was being really honest with himself he couldn’t stop thinking about that look she gave him in the medbay - ravenous and full of desire - before Ashley interrupted.

Now, watching her gear up in the cargo bay she smiled at everyone like nothing had ever happened. Even the lightning bolts in her irises had returned. She was practically glowing. “Ready to go kick some VI ass, Lieutenant?”

He wanted to pull her aside and ask if she was okay, but he didn’t dare. Shepard would come to him when she was ready, she did every other time. “Couldn’t be more excited, Commander,” he said with as much fake enthusiasm as he could muster.

========

A healthy appreciation for technology was something the lieutenant had learned at a young age. After eleven hours of fighting drone after drone, he wondered if he could ever look at another computer again in his life. His fingers ached from typing commands into his omni-tool with one hand while simultaneously shooting his pistol in the other.

On their way to the Luna base, Tali had shown him how she did her hacking maneuver, but he wasn’t very good at it. His body ached from crouching and he was covered in sweat. Even Shepard, who normally reveled in a battle of this caliber was getting tired. He assumed it was secondary to her lack of sleep and diet of candy over the last few days.

She barked commands into their ears, throwing her whole self into the fight. The medic in him worried about her overextending herself, but when Kaidan had suggested they take a break after the last facility was shut down Shepard asked him if he needed a break or if he thought she needed one. His silence had her heading toward the next building. Almost to the end of their mission, he could feel her energy waning as she pushed on toward the last door.

At the end of a long hallway, six drones sat behind a blue barrier waiting to rip them apart. Shepard and Williams hid behind thin scaffolding in the hall while Tali and Kaidan waited farther back in a room across the way.

“Three!” Shepard shouted. One shot into the barrier. “Two!” A second shot, turning it an orange hue. Kaidan braced himself for the onslaught. Preparing an EMC grenade, he looked over at Tali who had her hacking command ready to fire. “Go!” The barrier disappeared.

The drones peppered them with bullets. Tali managed to turn one drone on the others, but the machines shot it down quickly. Their distraction cost them as Shepard and Williams took another one out. Kaidan launched his EMC grenade and watched as the drone in front of him twitched against sparks of electricity until it combusted. The Commander and Williams took out a fourth one. Tali’s next trick weakened one and Kaidan shot it down with his pistol.

On his screen, Shepard’s kinetic barrier had dropped. He looked out of cover just in time to realize he couldn’t see Shepard or Williams.

The Commander’s suit registered a breach and her life support system flickered off.

He heard Williams shout and the last drone flickered from the map. He bolted out of cover. “Shepard!” Panic flooded through him.

“LT! Hurry!” Williams yelled.

He followed William’s tracker down the hallway and into the room the drones had come from. Shepard was unresponsive in a pool of blood that was rapidly growing in size. It was easy to find the problem as the wound in her abdomen bubbled with thick red liquid. She would bleed out in minutes.

“Williams, get my medical kit from the Mako! Now!” Kaidan didn’t need to check, he could hear her running as fast as she could.

Emptying the contents of his toolbelt onto the floor, he found a pair of hemostats. His friends used to make fun of him for carrying these around, but they came in handy surprisingly often. He unbuckled the top of his armor and tore it off before quickly removing his shirt and ripping it into long pieces. Convinced that the shrapnel was not doing any good by staying in there he removed it. Kaidan dumped medi-gel into the wound which dissolved quickly, blood seeping around his fingers in fury. He cursed with a word that rarely came out of his mouth. Shepard didn’t do anything half-assed, apparently, that applied to bleeding out too.

Medi-gel didn’t fix everything, but it contained clotting factors that helped with most minor to moderate wounds - this wound was severe. He dumped the rest of his medi-gel and hers into the wound and watched as the fluid became gelatinous, slowing to a quieter flow. Using his shirt to absorb the blood, he identified the artery that pulsed forcefully. With the hemostat, he clamped the hemorrhaging artery and gained control over the bleeding. The lieutenant held his breath and stared at the wound, waiting for her body to defy his best effort, but the bleeding stopped. He let out a small sigh of relief and glanced at her face.

Shepard was completely unconscious, her eyes glossy and barely open. Her lips were a pale pink and her normally light-olive skin was an off-grey color. Kaidan’s heart raced, but he disassociated and went back to her wound.

Shirtless, he sat in a pool of her blood, his hands sticky, coated in crimson as it dried on his fingers and seeped under his nails. As far as he could tell the metal hadn’t entered her abdominal cavity but nicked an artery in one of her abdominal muscles.

Without thinking about why her life support system failed, he hooked up his own to her suit to get her vitals. His stomach lurched as the numbers populated on his HUD. Shepard’s blood pressure was dangerously low and she wasn’t oxygenating appropriately.

Williams returned and gasped. “It’s like a crime scene over here.”

Kaidan gritted his teeth. “Williams, I need complete silence.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll go and try to get in contact with the Normandy.”

“Is Tali okay?” he asked, feeling guilty for not noticing her absence sooner.

“She said the smell of that much human blood was going to make her sick.” He heard the Chief’s footsteps recede.

In his medical kit, Kaidan found another canister of medi-gel. He poured the contents into her wound and packed it with gauze. Doctor Chakwas could repair it when they got back to the ship, but he would need to close it here. With delicate movements, he removed the bloodied top of her armor and tried not to think about all the times he daydreamed of doing this in very different circumstances.

Ashley spoke over the comm. “LT, Joker said he can’t make a pick up in thirty minutes.”

Kaidan growled. “Did you tell him the Commander has a very real chance of dying?”

“He said he’s doing his best, sir…we all are.”

Kaidan took a deep breath. This wasn’t anyone’s fault and Williams was right. “You’re right. I’m sorry…I just…”

“You don’t need to explain it to me, LT. I get it. Just do whatever you have to.”

I am the most qualified person here to do this, he reminded himself as the metallic smell filled his nose.

The lieutenant poured antiseptic over the wound and injected her with an antibiotic before expertly suturing her skin back together. Every knot he made steadied his breath. When he was done he pulled out the supplies needed to transfuse his blood into her. They had joked about this exact situation last week in the medbay when she found out they were the same blood type. His heart ached at the memory of her voice, that wicked gleam in her eye.

He needed her to be okay.

Kaidan lifted her out of the puddle of blood and over to a semi-clean part of the room. He cleaned the area around the vein in his arm and buried the needle under his skin, repeating the same process on Shepard. Blood, warm in the tube that lay against his skin, flowed through active suction directly into her veins. It wasn’t ideal, but it would have to do. He monitored both of their blood counts on his omni-tool and leaned up against the wall, closing his eyes in exhaustion. A few minutes into the transfusion she stirred. He saw panic set in as she tried to figure out where she was.

Kaidan stroked her hair, now caked in blood, reassuringly. “Hey, hey it’s okay. Keep still.”

Her perfect blue eyes found his and she settled down, slumping up against him. “Why are you shirtless?” A weak smile spread across her face.

He chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. You needed blood and I felt like donating.” He lifted his arm to show her.

She looked down at the tubing, unimpressed. “Oh. Okay. I’m not complaining.” Her eyelids fluttered closed and he sighed as her vitals began to trend in a normal direction.

After a few moments, she opened her eyes through heavy lids. “You’re cute,” she said, slurring the words.

He laughed quietly, but his heart pounded. A burning, tingly feeling passed through his body, coiling in his core. “You’re delirious.”

Shepard shook her head. “No, I’m serious.” She chuckled to herself and then looked at him intently. “You think I’m cute too, right?”

Kaidan took in the image of her - dark hair falling messily over her face and those sea storm blue eyes raging with life despite her body’s recent attempt at shutting down. She was slouched over in a black tank top that was now soaked in blood. Perfectly toned muscles mapped a landscape under skin that became a shade more normal with every ounce of blood he gave her.

He was sure she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Swallowing hard, he nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

A smile lit up her face. “I knew it. You like me.” She moved her finger to touch his nose, but missed and poked him on the cheek, leaving a bloody fingerprint behind.

He gently placed her arm back down. “Okay, Casanova. Settle down, we’re almost done.”

She giggled. “If I don’t remember this, will you remind me?”

He smiled at her, part of him wishing they could just sit in here alone forever. “Absolutely not.”

His comm line crackled to life. “LT, Normandy incoming. How’s the Commander?” Ashley announced.

“She’s going to be just fine,” Kaidan said as he disconnected the tubing between them and lifted her into his arms.

Chapter Text

Noveria was cold. Really fucking cold.

The chill wind swept off the snow-covered mountains and into the docking bay. Ice-coated walls soared above them. Here the light that passed through the foggy sky faded out and artificial light built into the walls illuminated their steps as they walked closer and closer to the entrance of Port Hanshan. Despite the heat support in her hardsuit, Shepard flexed her already frozen fingers in an attempt to keep them mobile. A shiver snaked up her spine as they got to the entrance—vast double-paned glass doors manned by three armored guards. She had rolled her eyes on the Normandy when the docking guards complained about an unscheduled arrival, but she didn’t expect things to be so…secure. Since when did spectres need pre-approved anything?

“That’s far enough,” one of the officers said, her hair twisted into a tight black bun over her head—a far cry from Shepard’s messy bun and rogue strands of hair that lay over her face.

“Something wrong officer?” Shepard cooed.

“You better hope there isn’t,” another officer with hair as straight as the stick up her ass growled.

The first officer gave her colleague an exasperated look. “This is an unscheduled arrival, I need to verify your credentials,” she explained.

Shepard folded her arms and leaned back, lifting an eyebrow. “You first.” She could feel her squadmates shifting their weight behind her, everyone was uncomfortable with how bold she was being—everyone except Wrex.

“We’re the law here, show some respect!” The straight-haired woman shouted. Shepard just gave her a wry smile.

“I’m Captain Maeko Matsuo, Elanus Risk Control Services.”

A blue electric scanner belonging to a drone passed over them, highlighting the scar that carved its way through Shepard’s face. They had already announced who they were when the Normandy docked.

Maybe it was the cold or maybe it was the dull pain she still felt from the bullet wound in her abdomen, but her patience had run dry. “All you need to know is that I outrank you,” she said with utter boredom.

“Ma’am they came here to start trouble.” The unnamed officer fingered her weapon.

“I can’t let you into the port area without confirmation of your identity,” Matsuo said in an apologetic tone. “Sergeant Sterling, secure their weapons.”

Sterling took a fluid step forward and unbuckled her assault rifle. By the time she looked up, Shepard and her crew had their weapons drawn. Everyone stopped.

“Nobody takes my weapon,” Shepard grumbled. “Now listen, we don’t need to start a fight.”

“We don’t?” Wrex asked. Shepard had to hold back a smile, maybe she had taken this too far. Their cooperation was vital to continuing their mission. Her bullet wound barked in protest as she moved into a firm stance.

The officers surrounding Matuso matched their response, the click of a weapon ready for firing echoed off the frozen walls.

The Captain stood perfectly still. “We have authorization to use lethal force. I’ll give you to the count of three.” A plea more than a command. “One.” Shepard had already sized up the situation, they were seven against three, this wouldn’t be a challenge at all. “Two.” But she really didn’t want to kill these officers. She had a feeling that would make getting into Port Hanshen just a tad bit difficult. “Thr-”

“Captain Matsuo stand down!” a voice yelled over an intercom. The officers did no such thing. “We confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here, Captain.”

A wash of disappointment passed over Sterling’s face. Matuso looked relieved. Emilia did everything in her power to not stick her tongue out at them. “You may proceed, Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit is less confrontational,” the Captain said.

Shepard shrugged and she heard Garrus mumble “don’t count on it” behind her.

“Gianna Parasini will meet you in the lobby,” Matsuo said. The officers dispersed back to their stations allowing the group to pass through the double doors.

Warmth washed over Shepard and she let loose a sigh. “You sure know how to make an entrance, Shepard,” Kaidan mumbled. She spun around and gave him a cheesy smile.

The lobby of Port Hanshen did not disappoint. Every surface was a piece of art. From the metal walls that appeared to be stone—as if the building was carved out of the mountain itself, illuminated by the glistening of melted snow—to the massive fountain that filled the room with the sound of falling water. The elegant floors made footsteps silent despite the weight of their armor.

A bronze-skinned woman with dark hair floated down the steps that led up to the concierge desk and smiled at them. “Commander Shepard, Gianna Parasini assistant to Administrator Anoleis.” She held out her hand as the Commander shook it. “I apologize for the incident in the docking bay.” Her handshake was delicate but firm. The woman’s beauty was hard to ignore as a tight floor-length fuchsia gown accentuated her features.

Shepard gave her a smile and said, “Warm welcome. Someone piss in your security chief’s coffee?”

“Captain Matsuo takes her job seriously, as she should.” Parasini slid her hands down the front of her dress and it was all the Commander could do not to follow the movement. “She is a valuable asset to this company and there are security protocols, Commander. Rules.”

Shepard lifted an eyebrow. “I’m not the best at following rules.”

“So I hear,” Parasini said with a wicked smile.

Liara cleared her throat from behind the Commander, snapping her out of her reverie. “We’re here in search of an Asari matriarch, Matriarch Benezia,” Shepard said.

“Benezia did arrive, but left a few days ago for the Peak 15 research center.”

Crap. “Then that’s where I need to be.”

“You’ll have to ask permission from Administrator Anoleis to leave the port. He can be found in his office upstairs, but I’m sure he has left for the day. It’s late,” Parasini looked at her omni-tool. “As our welcomed guests, there will be rooms available at the hotel for you and your—” She looked over the rest of the squad, an interesting bunch by anyone's standards. “Comrades.”

Shepard ground her teeth. Why couldn’t anything be easy? “Putting us up won’t be necessary.” A whine escaped from Ashley.

Parasini effortlessly grabbed a brochure from behind the desk and laid it out before them. Exquisite rooms and amenities were displayed in moving images on the electronic brochure. “Please, Commander. It would be our pleasure. Our hotel is one of the most well-rated and secure in the galaxy.”

A glance at the king-size bed and jacuzzi tub had her reconsidering. When was the last time she slept in a bed big enough to spread out in? Months? “Very well,” she said without interest.

Parasini smiled and explained how to get to the hotel. The group headed up to the elevator and found themselves in another extraordinary lobby. The concierge desk was just beyond a courtyard where moonlight poured over lush greenery and a fountain that erupted from the floor. The ceilings reached so far up that it was impossible to see if the stars above were natural or artificial.

“If this is what being a spectre gets you, sign me up,” Ashley said, whistling at the beauty in front of her.

“Don’t get used to it, Chief,” Shepard warned. “Everyone enjoy the rest of the evening, we’ll meet up tomorrow at 0700 sharp to devise a plan on getting to this research lab.” The group nodded in approval and went their separate ways.

========

The Commander almost passed out with glee at the enormity of her hotel room. Warm wood covered every inch of the floor while a different shade climbed the walls. Tall pillars separated the bathroom from the bedroom with bright lights illuminating a massive mirror. The king bed with rich chocolate linens lived up to its name as it took residence in the middle of the room overlooking the view.

The view.

An entire wall had been turned into an enclosed balcony that overlooked starlit snow and mountainous terrain, untouched save for the tiny road that wound through the giant alpines. And to her delight, a jacuzzi tub sat right on the lip. She dropped her duffle bag and undressed as quickly as possible, forgetting that she needed to fill the basin before she got in. Completely naked she wandered into the bathroom while the sound of rushing water roared in the background and took in the full sight of her body.

Her red hair tumbled down past her shoulder, just covering her breasts. The scar on her abdomen was so faint thanks to Kaidan’s quick work in the field. She barely remembered what happened, just knew he had saved her life. She brushed her fingers over it feeling the thickened skin beneath calloused fingertips. Moving her hand up to her left shoulder she felt another scar - one that had been there her whole life…or at least the only life she truly remembered. Matched by the slash across her face, hair missing from her right eyebrow. The mirror couldn’t see the scars that arched up her legs—sprays of acid from a monster so cruel she was only beginning to unravel its evil.

She would find Benezia and Saren. She’d stop the geth. And then she would take down this Cerberus group, even if she had to spend her whole life hunting them.

Chapter Text

Kaidan was running away from her. A panic settled as she looked behind to see the threat, but there was nothing there—nothing but a long sandy beach and the sun setting, lighting the sky on fire. She looked back at him, trailing him though seemingly out of reach. She passed by Ashley lounging in the soft white sand, reading a book. Garrus and Tali were playing a game of volleyball. Liara splashed Wrex in the water. She stopped running and smiled to herself, letting the salty air fill her lungs. She called out to him, but her voice was lost in the breeze, hair whipped around her face.

The air became cool and sharp, the sky turned from burnt orange to blood red and then fractured into a thousand pieces. A glass mirror shattering in her hands until she was standing in an empty black room facing a little girl she knew from another life, beautiful and blonde.

Her body felt like someone had set it aflame. The images of that warm beach lay in pieces in her hands, cutting her until she bled. Until she was standing in a pool of blood that did not smell like her own. The girl across from her frowned. In a blink, the room shifted to a battleground. Alien soldiers fighting for their lives surrounded her, she reached for her gun but she was stuck. Frozen in place as a massive monster roared from the ground.

Run, her body screamed.

Her voice, soundless in this abyss tried to escape but found nothing to hold onto. She was still standing in blood - red, blue, black. Thick as it began to form a river around her. As acid dripped from the maw of a beast.

“Help me!” she shouted against her own will. A laugh, cruel and ugly pierced the Earth and she was sucked into the river of blood.

Drowning.

Gasping.

Helpless.

========

Shepard startled awake as dawn rippled through the steep mountainside, glinting off the snow and warming her skin. She quickly assessed her body, certain she would be covered in blood, but found nothing. Nothing but the scars that were always there—some for anyone to see and some she only felt in times like this.

Realizing a run was something she could actually accomplish here she set out for the indoor track the hotel boasted on their arrival. An asari dressed in a sports bra and shorts that left little to the imagination stood outside the door handing out what appeared to be goggles.

“What is this?” Shepard asked as she twirled the pair in her hands. They were sturdy and flexible, made out of something lighter than silicone.

“This track is an immersive experience. Link the goggles to your omni-tool and you can run anywhere in the galaxy.”

Shepard’s breathing stopped. “Anywhere?”

“The database has over 10 million locations. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.” The representative smiled warmly at her.

The Commander walked onto the track, empty due to the early hour. It was soft and secure under her feet. The walls were made up of a neutral grey background. Shepard slipped the goggles over her head. They fit seamlessly, barely noticeable. Her omni-tool screen populated in her vision and with careful fingers, she searched for the one location she wanted more than anything to be there and yet hoped with all her heart it wasn't.

But it was. The typeface was plain, but the words stood out—seared forever in her heart and mind, and soul.

Mindoir.

After a few moments, she accepted the destination and held her breath as the world changed around her. There it was—that beach from her dreams. How many times had she played here? Ran as the salty water sprayed her and her sister. Laid in the sun with her friends only returning to the grassy hills and endless plains where her parent's farm stood when the sky turned a darker shade of blue.

And though it felt like the air had been sucked from her lungs she ran.

Ran until she couldn’t feel her legs. Ran until the sharp burn in her chest turned into a dull ache. Ran, hoping she’d reach the end of the artificial beach and knowing she never would.

Utterly exhausted she collapsed on the floor of that sandy world. She couldn’t feel it—the ocean breeze, the soft grit under her knees, Rylan’s laugh. But she closed her eyes and pretended she could until tears ran down her cheeks—hot as the fire in her soul.

========

Do not punch him in the face.

Do not punch him in the face.

Do not punch him in the—

“Thank you for your time, Administrator Anoleis,” Shepard said in her sweetest voice before heading out of the door with Garrus and Tali in tow.

“Thank you for wasting ours,” Garrus mumbled. The Commander didn’t bother telling him to keep it down.

As they walked out of the glass doors that lead to the main floor of Port Hanshan a lithe figure strode into view. “Commander Shepard, what a pleasant surprise.”

Shepard blinked once at Gianna Parasini. Despite the beauty in the deep purple gown she wore, she was in no mood for games today. “You told me to come here. Not a very useful—”

The woman pulled her aside quickly and whispered in her ear, her breath warm and moist against the nape of her neck. Shepard stiffened and withheld the reflex to pin the woman to the floor with her knees and a gun to her head. “Anoleis is not the only one with a garage pass. Meet me at 2000. The hotel bar.”

Shepard leaned into her touch and whispered a message back, “You’re lucky you’re still alive. Think twice before you touch me next time.”

Parasini let loose a carefree laugh, loud enough for passersby to hear. “I look forward to it. See you tonight, Commander,” she said loudly. A wink and then she walked through the glass doors to her office.

“What the hell was that about?” Tali asked when the woman was gone.

Shepard ignored it and headed toward Alenko and Williams’s location on her omni-tool. She had dispatched the two early this morning to hunt for more clues.

“Someone is fond of Shepard,” Garrus answered.

The click of their boots bounced around the quiet chatter and disgruntled expressions of the port’s patrons. Shepard whipped a lethal smile at anyone that glanced her direction for more than a few seconds. She thought about wearing her BDUs today, there was really no reason for armor, but the events of this morning left her feeling—vulnerable. So she passed through the crowds in her tight pale-camo hardsuit, a shell that protected her from external threats even though she knew the true threat sat internally.

Despite their early arrival, Anoleis refused to meet them for hours. It was quickly approaching lunch time so Shepard wasn’t surprised to find Williams and Alenko eating in the hotel restaurant, though the thought still annoyed her.

“Please tell me you’re taking a lunch because the information you found is going to get us out of here tonight,” the Commander said by way of greeting.

The two marines stiffened, Kaidan turned a light shade of red. “No ma’am. We uh…we didn’t find much.”

Shepard’s nostrils flared as she tried to stifle the anger bubbling to the surface. “Define much.”

“We spoke to the lead mechanic at the garage. He said there’s a blizzard going on right now. It’s shut down every normal entry out. Currently, the only people allowed out are those with a garage pass,” Williams offered

Anoleis isn’t the only one with a garage pass.

Shepard wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but she hoped the suggestion would lead them to Peak 15.

“How do we get a garage pass?” Garrus asked.

The two marines exchanged a nervous look. “We hoped that Anoleis would give you one.”

Shepard sat down at the table in a huff. She grabbed the sandwich on Alenko’s plate and took a bite out of it. His face shifted with concern. “Nope.”

Everyone stood silently while she proceeded to devour the rest of his meal. “I have a date tonight with Gianna Parasini,” she said, mouth full.

“What!” Alenko said, too surprised and a little too loud for his own good. Shepard had to hide the smile that attempted to creep across her face. He cleared his throat. “I mean, why?”

She chose to cut him some slack and ignored his first response. Everyone else seemed to do the same. “I think she has a way for us to get out of here. Though why she’s so willing to help us is beyond me.”

“Seems like she’s hoping to get something out of it,” Garrus said with a wry smile.

“Well she’s out of luck, but I’m willing to hear her out,” Shepard said. She pretended not to see the relief that briefly passed over Kaidan’s face. “That means we’re done for the day. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

“Where are Wrex and Liara?” Ashley asked.

Shepard thought of this morning. How Wrex happened to be waiting outside the track in the hotel gym. She had wondered if he saw her crying in there and was grateful that he didn’t bring it up.

I have something to take care of, he said.

When Shepard inquired if it was something she needed to know about he just shook his head and she found that she trusted him, wholly.

“Liara is in the hotel, looking up information on why her mother might be here. Wrex is taking care of some personal business.”

Ashley opened her mouth to ask another question but shut it at the stare the Commander gave her. “Everyone except Alenko is dismissed,” she said again since no one seemed to be leaving. The rest of the group shuffled away. Alenko shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Sorry if you were still hungry,” she said, half-embarrassed by her behavior.

He laughed lightly. “I’m always hungry, you know that.”

Shepard forced a smile and looked up at him. “I have a favor to ask.”

========

With a little begging, she convinced Alenko to meet her in one of the hotel training rooms an hour later to help her learn the biotic Lift maneuver. She specifically asked the hotel if they could have this room privately. With the padded walls and floor, she figured this would be a safe enough place for her to unleash her full biotic power, but she wouldn’t risk civilians.

The lieutenant stood in front of a table, different objects laid out in front of him—a bucket, a sandbag, and a screwdriver. She smiled at his makeshift classroom and hurried over to him. As she approached it was clear he was more restless than normal—wriggling his fingers and bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“You seem nervous.”

“This room is very similar to the training room we had on Jump Zero,” he said. “Not great memories.”

Shepard was all too familiar with images of the past today. She touched his arm gently. “If you’re uncomfortable, we don’t have to do this, but this isn’t Jump Zero.” She gestured around the room. “And there’s no one else here, just Kaidan and Emilia.” She smiled warmly.

He gave her a curt nod. “I’m fine, don’t worry about it,” he said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. If he was nervous after that he hid it well. “Alright, so we’ll start with something heavy and move down to something light.” He stood back and produced a smile that sent her heart racing. “Let’s see what you’ve got, Emilia Shepard.”

“Historically when I’ve tried this it’s shredded people into pieces,” she warned. The Commander flared, electric blue flicked off her skin and a familiar buzz filled the air. She aimed her focus on the sandbag and slowly lifted it up. The bag held in the air for one second and then exploded, raining sand everywhere. “Oops,” she said with a sheepish smile.

His eyes widened. “You weren’t joking.”

Emilia folded her arms and gave him a pouty lip. “I told you I was a lost cause.”

“No, you’re not. It just might take a little more work than I thought.” He smiled, laughter glinting in his brown eyes.

Despite the real frustration that was building in her chest she smiled with him. It would have been impossible to do anything else. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Oh, definitely. I guess it’s good I brought more,” he said, walking to the corner of the room. She hadn’t noticed the stack of sandbags piled in the corner.

She shook her head. “Wow, no faith.”

“With good reason.” He placed another bag on the table. Shepard flared again. “Woah, wait!” She stopped and gave him a confused look. “Well, if it didn’t work the first time, it’s not going to work the second time. We have to try something else,” he said, contorting his face in thought. She impatiently tapped her foot and he rolled his eyes. “Okay, don’t laugh. You trust me, right?” He walked toward her, coming around to her side.

His proximity made her heart feel like metal. “With my life, obviously,” she said, fighting to keep her voice neutral.

“Alright, raise your arms up at the sides.” In her nervous state, she moved to lift them in front of her. He inched closer to her until his skin almost brushed up against hers. “No, not like that—like an airplane.” Tentatively, carefully, he moved her arms in the right direction and quickly let go. “Close your eyes.”

Her throat bobbed, but she gave him a sideways glance. “Do I have to?”

“Trust, Shepard,” he said with an all too eager smile.

The Commander took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Her other senses heightened and the quiet of the room echoed the sound of her breathing. She felt the shift of his body behind her and hoped that in this deafening quiet he couldn’t hear the pounding of her heart. And though black was the only thing she could see, the heat from him standing so close sent an eruption of color in her darkened view.

“Flare.”

A command in her ear barely above a whisper. His voice was husky and smooth as it ran its way down her spine, electricity roiling in her core.

Despite the fact that all she could think about was how badly she wanted him to touch her, she followed his instruction and imagined the blue aura that now floated effortlessly around her body.

As if he heard her wish, he moved closer, pressing his body against her back—hands firmly planted around her waist, his cheek gently grazing hers, the steady rise and fall of his chest. She didn’t move, didn’t breathe. She was fire and ice, darkness and light. The only proof of her existence was the heart that beat boundlessly inside her chest. With a touch that was painfully gentle, he slowly moved his hands to follow the pattern of her arms—extended outward, until their palms were barely touching.

“Breathe,” he whispered into her ear. The sound of his voice, his subtly floral and smokey scent filled her until she wasn’t in this room. Until she was somewhere warm and bright. At his mercy she did as she was told; air filled the lungs she forgot she had.

And then suddenly she was snapped back to reality. A cautious urgency filled her as the presence of something else tickled her skin. Not electricity. Something foreign and familiar at the same time.

“Don’t move, but open your eyes,” he said.

Aware of herself again she laughed quietly at the suggestion. If given the option she’d never move from this spot. But as she opened her eyes she could see what the strange feeling was from. Kaidan’s own biotics illuminated his arms that rested just below hers. The force of it was an everlasting current of water lapping the edges of a smooth river bank. The dark energy that erupted from her skin was fury and strength lashing against his as it twisted around her limbs—a python wrapping around its prey.

“You’re so powerful, but that’s all it is, power. You have to learn to control it, it’s like breathing. If you don’t control it, you’re just letting it surge out of your body on full blast.”

“How?” she asked, the words almost catching in her throat. She was finding it too difficult to talk and remember to breathe at the same time.

“Just try to match mine. Take a deep breath, relax.”

He pushed his palms against hers and she fought the urge to intertwine her fingers around his. She closed her eyes again and focused on herself, but she couldn’t separate the electric feeling of being close to him from the buzz of her biotics.

After a few moments in this utter calm, she decided she didn’t have to. Because the warmth of his body, his heart pounding against her back, the sound of his breathing—it soothed her. And for the first time in her life, she was able to associate that dark energy with something other than the urge to fight.

Safe. You’re safe here, it sang to her.

Emilia leaned into him, praying to a God she didn’t believe in that this moment could last forever. When she opened her eyes she watched as their blue auras danced around each other, entwining fluidly over their bodies, flickering gently in tandem. She let out a quiet sound of wonder.

“See,” he said. His voice was so soft, but it roared inside her.

He stepped back and motioned for her to try again. The absence of him was ice through her blood. Frowning she closed her eyes and tried to remember the feeling of his body against her back, the warmth of his fingers touching hers, and she took another deep breath in. On the exhale she opened her eyes.

Blue electricity poured out of her and encased the sandbag on the table. She lifted it into the air and tried to focus, not on getting it right, but the way Kaidan’s breathing sounded against her ear. The bag floated effortlessly above the table until she gently placed it back down. She turned to face him, beatific. His eyes ignited, smoldering wood.

“I did it!” Her voice was musical, a quality that was unfamiliar as it escaped her lips.

Like a magnet she found herself in his arms, breathing in his scent, relishing the perfect contour of their bodies. He held her tightly, his grip pulling her body closer to his.

Possessive, in a way that burned her skin.

“Good job,” he said, pulling away from her. More restrained than she ever could be, than she wanted to be.

She cleared her throat. “That’s probably good for the day.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets and took another step back. “Yeah, we can…uh…do this again another time.”

And even though all she wanted to do was to bridge the gap and press her mouth against his she just said, “I’d like that.”

Chapter Text

Kaidan Alenko didn’t realize he was standing at the bar staring at his drink until Joker came up to him, Helmsman Rahman following closely behind.

“Hard day?” The flight lieutenant asked, breaking him from his reverie.

He stared at the amber liquid in his drink thinking one last time about how it felt to hold her, and then downed the whole thing. “Something like that,” he said and headed toward a table big enough for the three of them.

After seeing the lobby of the hotel, the bar was as you’d expect it. If calling it a bar was doing it justice. Like all the other walls in this building, the metal was artistically warped to resemble stone, the lights glittering off the surface like uncut gemstones. Flat fountains hung from the walls so that the roar of rushing water drowned out the secret dealings and private negotiations at every table. Alcohol bottles in every shape, size and color lined the walls behind the bar and asari waitresses dressed in short dresses delivered bubbling cocktails and smoke-filled beverages to the patrons.

The staff lieutenant wasn’t sure how long he had been at the bar, preoccupied with his memories of the day’s earlier events. After his meeting with Shepard, he had hoped that a physical release would allow him to resume the rest of his day, grateful for the privacy of a hotel room, but even that had done little to cool the fire that burned inside him. He turned to Joker and Rahman hoping for a distraction.

“What did you guys do today?” he asked as he typed in the order of his drink on his omni-tool and waved it over the scanner on the tabletop.

Joker shrugged. “Ran a couple of flight simulations. I know this place is supposed to be a resort or something, but man is it boring.” Rahman nodded in silent agreement.

“We’re not here for pleasure,” Kaidan said, the words ringing too true.

Rahman who was always polite just rolled her eyes. “We know that, LT.”

Kaidan frowned. “I see Joker is rubbing off on you.”

The flight lieutenant lit up as Rahman blushed. “It’s pretty hard to avoid wanting to be exactly like me.” She nudged him with her elbow as he expertly dodged it. “Hey! Careful or you’ll break a rib.”

“Oh, I was counting on it,” she said with a devilish smile.

Joker tugged his SR-1 hat into place. “I heard the Commander is going on a hot date tonight.”

Kaidan felt jealousy simmer. “It’s not a da—,” but the words failed him as Emilia Shepard walked, no glided, over to them.

“Woah,” Joker and Rahman both murmured.

Her cream-colored skin was moonlight against the endless black of a dress that formed perfectly to every inch of her body stopping just above her knees. Black, silky heels elongated her already graceful frame. Her hair, the color of a fine merlot, tumbled in soft waves over her shoulder.

But it was her eyes, always her eyes that made his heart stop. Outlined in delicate black lines and glittering make-up they were a depthless ocean, a tempestuous sea, the goddamn galaxy. He could get lost in them. To be perfectly honest, he’d be okay if he drowned in them.

She stopped at their table, a slow and cautious blink of her sinfully long eyelashes. “Too much?”

“You look beautiful,” Rahman said.

Kaidan wasn’t sure he was breathing as she turned to him, waiting for something, anything to come out of his mouth. “Good,” was all he managed. That and a nod of his head.

Idiot.

She lifted her chin up. “I think the word you were looking for is stunning,” she huffed.

Joker laughed and asked, “So where is the lucky lady?”

Shepard looked around, clearly unaware that every eye was on her. “She should be here.” Or maybe she was completely aware.

Acknowledgment lit up her eyes and the group craned their neck to see Gianna Parasini a few tables back. The woman waved, beckoning the Commander over. “Wish me luck,” she said and sauntered over to the table. Kaidan fought the urge to watch her walk away, instead turning his attention toward the beverage that replaced his empty glass. He didn’t even notice the waitress come over to deliver it.

Swirling the drink in the tumbler he took a tentative sip. Rahman and Joker were arguing about how fast Joker had made the jump through their last relay. Shepard’s laugh fluttered through the bar like his ears were made to detect the sound. He gave in to the desire to glance at her, her head leaning into her hand as she giggled.

Was it real? Was any of it real? Five minutes ago he would have bet his life on her being into him, but watching her with Parasini—he wasn’t so sure. There was no way he imagined what happened today. Her body soft and warm as she leaned into him. The way she seemed to melt at the sound of his voice. He supposed none of it really mattered in the end, pining over someone like her was only going to get him into trouble.

He tuned into the conversation just as Joker eyed him warily. “What about you, have you talked to Liara?”

The question startled him, though he wasn’t sure what he expected since he had ignored most of the discussion until now. He hadn’t even thought about Liara. How hard this must be on her. Her traitorous mother so close and yet out of reach in so many ways. He chewed the inside of his lip feeling guilty.

“I haven’t, she’s been busy all day.” He wasn’t sure if that was a lie or not.

“I can’t even imagine,” Rahman said.

“Are you close with your mother?” Joker asked her, a personal question. But he seemed genuinely interested. Kaidan hadn’t seen Joker ask a question about someone else that didn’t directly lead to his benefit in the entire time he knew him.

“She’s dead actually,” Rahman said. Suddenly the lieutenant felt like this was a conversation too private for him to be a part of.

“I’m sorry,” Joker said. And it wasn’t the fact that he apologized, a man who rarely said those words; it was the way he said it. How his eyes softened when he looked at her.

She shrugged. “It happened a long time ago, but thank you.”

Joker liked her, he really liked her.

His initial reaction was to scold him.

Jeff, what are you thinking?

But the hypocrisy in it hit him quickly. He laughed at the realization. Actually laughed out loud. The pair turned to him in disbelief. A completely inappropriate response to the topic at hand.

“Sorry, I was thinking of something else,” he said quickly. He took another glance at Shepard who seemed more than intrigued in her conversation. He finished his third drink and said, “I need to go. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” It's what he would have wanted if the situation was reversed. Joker shot him a look of confusion, but the lieutenant just walked toward the elevators and went up to his room.

========

He wasn’t sure if the knock was real until he heard it again. His room was mostly dark. Weak light bled through the blinds he had drawn shut. He lifted his arm as the omni-tool lit up telling him the current time: 0400. He pulled a pillow over his head and dug his face deeper into the mattress, groaning as the knock sounded again.

Shepard had sent a message to the team last night—later than he wanted to consider—that they would meet tomorrow 0800 to discuss what her meeting with Parasini yielded. He pulled himself out of bed and ran a hand through his hair. Squinting as his eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room, he walked toward the door, the wood floors squeaking under his bare feet. He opened the door fully prepared to tell whoever it was to get lost but was completely caught off guard by the woman before him.

“Oh! I’m so sorry,” Shepard said and he realized that he was standing in only his boxers. He wasn’t too tired to miss how her eyes had wandered over the planes of his chest, his abs, before she backed away.

A more awake version of himself might have gleamed at how flustered she looked, but he only felt embarrassed at how exposed he was. “Not what I was expecting,” he said, his voice a low grumble.

Her eyes flashed and she smiled. “Oh, expecting someone else?”

He let out a small laugh and leaned into the wall his forearm resting on his forehead. “What can I do for you, Shepard? Did our meeting time change?”

She looked at the floor and then the wall next to him, shuffling her feet anxiously. He furrowed his brow. “I just,” she paused, “do you run?”

“Sometimes?” he mumbled, closing his eyes.

“I wanted to show you something, if you—if you want to come.”

“Now?”

She only stared at him. No, not at him, through him. Her eyes swam with an emotion that reminded him of loss, of a sunset obscured by thick clouds—darkness coming on quickly, the daylight gone too early. And then it flicked away, her usual smugness replacing it as quickly as it appeared. “Nevermind. I’m very sorry for waking you up, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

She moved to walk away but he stopped her with his words. “Wait, Shepard. Give me five minutes,” he said and she nodded.

========

He pulled the goggles over his eyes and linked his omni-tool with hers. He actually hated running. He’d do it if he had to but preferred just about any other form of cardio.

A pretty beach populated his view and the woman that stood before him was something out of a dream. The water matched her eyes, her normally ivory skin glowed in the sun. The sand under his shoes was white, not the typical beige he was used to. Instead of the large rocks that lined the coast of Vancouver, trees lined the border of the distant beach. Foreign trees in colors he had never seen before. He turned around to see hills of sand and beyond it, endless grasslands and a forest that bled into the pale blue sky. She smiled at him, a sad kind of smile that made him want to hold her in his arms.

“What is this place? It’s beautiful,” he said.

“This is my home...or it used to be.” She spread her arms out and spun around slowly. “This is Mindoir.”

A tightness uncoiled inside him, warmed his body. Kaidan couldn’t stop staring at her. She wanted him to see this, to share it with him. It was enough to buckle his knees, but the lieutenant stood proudly next to her–the support he knew she needed. He didn’t know when she discovered this, how much time she had spent alone in this space before inviting him here.

It didn’t matter.

“I’ll race you,” he said, nodding at the beach ahead of them.

His favorite wicked smile spread across her face, “Oh, you’re on.”

And despite the fact that he hated running, he chased after her, because the truth was–he’d follow her anywhere.

Chapter Text

Shepard sighed dramatically. “What did I just say, Williams?”

The chief adjusted the settings on her assault rifle and aimed at the security guards in front of her. “I’m glad we didn’t have to kill anyone.”

“I’m glad we didn’t have to kill anyone,” the Commander repeated. She surveyed the ERCS security led by none other than the same Officer Sterling that wanted to rip her head off the other day. “And even though it’s you,” she gestured at Officer Sterling, “who has blessed us with their presence, I still don’t want to.”

“You dumb bitch,” Sterling sneered as Shepard winced and clenched her shotgun more tightly. “You think you can just come in here and do whatever you want? Break into buildings and steal data that doesn’t belong to you? You can’t just bludgeon your way through bureaucracy.”

The Commander sucked on her teeth and made an audible click with her tongue before letting loose another bored breath. “Eh, I can bludgeon pretty hard,” she said before dodging the bullet that soared toward her head moments later.

She didn’t need to check to know that her crew got into position safely before gunfire erupted in the offices of Lorik Qui’in. Killing the security agents on Port Hanshen really wasn’t what Shepard planned to do today, but she knew it was a risk when she accepted the mission given to her yesterday—acquire data that would indict Administrator Anoleis and his lackeys as corrupt and in exchange, Lorik would give her a garage pass.

It was this back door kind of bullshit that made her put her Alliance uniform away and her spectre uniform on, so to speak. She leaned over just in time to watch Garrus lodge a bullet between the eyes of one of the security guards. Alenko lifted two while Ashley took them out and Shepard threw Sterling into the wall behind her. The officer scrambled for her gun after making an impact with the metal, blood dripping from her nose. The Commander walked over to her, throwing up a barrier as two bullets tore at her shield.

“There’s four on the lower level,” she shouted through the comm.

The rest of the squad hurried down the stairs and the sound of bullets bouncing off shields resumed. Officer Sterling grabbed her gun and fumbled with it as she rose, lifting it toward the Commander.

Shepard slowed her pace and focused on the gun, biotically Lifting it from the officer’s grasp and letting it dangle in mid-air. She nearly screamed for Kaidan to come and look at what she was doing, but instead just smiled.

“This is a really exciting moment for me,” she said to Sterling. The woman stared at her wide-eyed and grabbed for her pistol. “Hm, I guess you wouldn’t care about that.” Shepard shrugged and shot at the woman’s kneecap and she let out a scream. “I meant what I said, I don’t want to kill you. Just tell me, is it all of ERCS that’s corrupt or just a small portion of you in Anoleis’s pocket?” Shepard stood over the woman’s body, crumpled on the floor as blood trickled from her leg.

“Matsuo has no idea,” she spat.

Shepard bit her lower lip. “I knew I liked her.” She heard her crew running up the stairs and stuck a hand out to help the officer up. “Come on, you’ll spend time in prison but at least you won’t be dead.”

Sterling gave her a cold stare and spat at her feet. The Commander rolled her eyes but kept her hand held out. After a few moments, Sterling took her hand and let out a small yelp when Shepard pulled her up. The Commander turned around to face her crew when she heard the familiar pull of a pistol from its holster, smelled metal as it heated, and she threw up her barrier. Sterling was dead before she could even fire thanks to a bullet from Garrus’s sniper.

Shepard closed her eyes and let out a sigh of genuine disappointment. When she opened them Alenko, Garrus, and Williams were staring at her. “Got the data?” she asked.

Kaidan nodded solemnly. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Let’s go then,” she said and they headed out of the Synthetic Insights Offices.

========

She sensed someone in her room before the lights illuminated the enormous space. So she was not surprised to see Gianna Parasini sitting at the table by the massive window. Shepard was surprised to see her normal tight floor-length gown replaced with grey high-waisted pants and a well-fitted black fleece turtleneck.

“You seem to have a penchant for danger,” Emilia said taking the seat next to her. Dried sweat and blood caked her neck and she tugged her gloves off, slapping them on the table.

Parasini watched her carefully. “I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot,” she said.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “Oh?” She unzipped her boots one by one letting them thud to the floor.

The voice that spoke was not the sultry woman that had flirted with the Commander these last few days. “My name is Gianna Parasini, but I’m here as an undercover agent for Noveria’s State of Internal Affairs. The executive board has been hunting Anoleis for some time. Rumors of his behavior have been spreading for months, but no one has any actual proof. Until now.” She nodded at the data storage device resting in Shepard’s pocket.

Adjusting in the chair, Shepard leaned back and let her arms fall over the backrest. “This belongs to Lorik Qui’in.”

“I know. I also know he promised to give you a garage pass, but if we can get him to testify in court about the material on that drive.” Parasini closed her eyes as if relishing the image that played in her mind. “Noveria will never be the progressive hub of galactic advancement if people like Anoleis are in charge.”

“I’ll talk to Lorik, but my primary goal is getting to Peak 15. If I can help you along the way, I’ll do it, but reaching Matriarch Benezia is far more important to me.”

Parasini nodded. “I understand. Speaking with him is all I ask.”

Shepard took the woman in. Out of the scandalous dresses, she looked regal and elegant. “So this was all a rouse?” she asked pointing between the two of them.

Amusement danced in the agent’s eyes. “Well, not quite.” She reached forward, placing a hand on the Commander’s knee.

Shepard watched her hand resting there, expecting something—any sort of emotion or flutter of excitement to pass through her. She couldn’t remember the last time she got laid.

But there was nothing.

She met the woman’s gaze, shifted her body out of the chair, and walked to the door. “I’ll let you know what he says when I speak to him tomorrow,” the Commander said, opening the door.

Parasini nodded and gave her a sly smile. The sound of her heels clicking against the wood grew louder as she walked toward Shepard and her exit. “Turned down twice now. Who knew you’d be such a professional,” she said.

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Goodnight Gianna.” The door closed and the Commander leaned against it, letting the back of her head rest against the cool metal. Her body ached and she longed to remove her armor and soak in the big tub only a few feet away. She began to unclasp the locks on her hardsuit when a knock nearly startled her.

She pulled up the door’s security screen, surprised to see the large figure outside it.

“Wrex,” she said as she opened it up. “I was wondering if you had abandoned us.”

The krogan huffed. “Turns out I like you too much, Shepard.” He peered inside the room. “Are you going to let me in or what?” She took a step back and motioned for him to enter.

Her bath would have to wait.

Despite the enormity of the room, it seemed smaller with Wrex’s large figure taking up space. He squeezed into one of the chairs she was just occupying and waited for her to sit.

Shepard smiled at him cautiously and said, “This seems serious.”

“I have a favor to ask you, but first I think you need a little backstory,” he said.

So she got comfortable and listened to his tale.

Chapter Text

The last twenty-four hours had passed quickly. A whirlwind of fighting both verbally and physically to get to where they were now—driving two Makos to Peak 15. Shepard had a feeling that once they left Noveria they would not be invited back to Port Hanshen anytime soon. But the contingencies of their future travel plans were of little concern to her as they traversed through the snow-blasted and rocky terrain of the mountain pass. She had willingly given up the responsibility of driving to her teammates—Wrex and Williams manning one Mako, Garrus and Kaidan in the other.

She glanced over at Liara in the seat next to her. The asari had been distant over the last few days, claiming she was doing research in her hotel room. Shepard could hardly fault her for it. Being on a mission that would likely end in her mother’s death was not something the Commander could even begin to fathom.

“Geth up ahead,” Kaidan said into the shared comm line.

It wasn’t anything new. Benezia had littered the path to Peak 15 with geth and hidden landmines. They did little up against the mass and strength of the Mako.

Shepard gripped the grab handle next to her and steadied herself as she rose to man the cannon. Looking through the sight she watched as a group of geth walked closer to the Mako, her field of vision lighting up with their fire. One release of the cannon had the whole group burning like embers. Metal bodies scattered into ash like paper in the wind. She was about to get back in her seat when she noticed something burning in the distance.

“I think there’s an overturned truck up there. Let’s check for survivors, but be cautious,” she said to Garrus, who was sitting behind the wheel.

As the flaming overturned vehicle came into view, Shepard lost hope for any survivors. So she was surprised when Kaidan said, “One heat signature!”

Groans of displeasure rang quietly in the cabin when Shepard opened the door and a cruel biting wind swept over them. Her boots crunched in ankle-deep snow, a flurry of ice making it hard to see through her helmet.

“Williams and Alenko out here, everyone else stay in the Mako,” she shouted over the roar of the snowstorm.

The officers quickly exited their vehicles and flanked her. Wiping away the moisture from her helmet she examined the wreckage. The vehicle had taken massive damage from the geth. Burn marks scorched the side that wasn’t coated in flames. Even from here, she couldn’t feel the heat of the fire. She was impressed it still burned.

Kneeling to peer into the cracked windows and crushed cabin she spotted a salarian hanging limply from his seat—likely a scientist based on the lab coat she could see under his parka.

Shepard switched her communication to an external speaker on her hardsuit and spoke, “Hello, I’m Commander Shepard with the Alliance. Can you hear me?” The scientist's big black eyes blearily looked at her, but he didn’t speak. “We’re going to try to find you a way out.”

With what little energy he had, the salarian shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak but the storm was an impenetrable wall of sound to a weak voice. Shepard examined the wreckage once more and switched back to the squad comm line. “Williams, switch out with Wrex.”

Within seconds the krogan was by her side, his mass never failing to surprise her. “Can you tear this door off?” she asked.

Wrex’s answer was lifting the metal and ripping it from its hinges. The Commander lay on the ground and shimmied her body into the flaming vehicle. In here the smell of fuel and fire poured into her filtration system before she had the sense to cycle the air, but there was a sense of quiet in here—the wind outside dulled to a wooshing and the fire crackled next to her, its heat finally making itself known.

“What’s your name?” she asked him as she surveyed a way to get him out. Blood dripped from his nose and a cut on his head.

“Zarsin Yels,” he choked out.

“Okay Zarsin, let’s see if we can get you out of here and back to Port Hanshen.”

Another shake of his head. No.

She smiled coyly as she examined him. “Somewhere else you’d rather be?” There was a wound on his side. It looked severe, but she couldn’t see it in its entirety.

“We did—we’ve done horrible things. The creatures, they can’t be stopped,” he gurgled, blood staining his lips.

The darkness in his eyes raised the hair on the back of her neck, but she didn’t speak as he said his last words. “Four, eighteen, seven, four. Forgive me.” She watched the remaining light drain from his face, his features going slack, and let out a sigh. She wormed her way back into the freezing world and looked up at her squad.

“He’s dead, said some string of numbers before he croaked.” She typed them into her omni-tool and looked up at the sky. The snow pelted down, big storm clouds lit up with electricity. “Let’s move out, we gotta make it there before this storm gets worse.”

When she strapped herself into her seat, watching the ice melt from her hardsuit Liara turned to her. “Did he say anything besides a code?”

The creatures. They can’t be stopped.

Shepard just shook her head. “Nothing useful,” she said as the Mako rolled forward.

========

The aching cold seeped through Shepard’s suit, passed the guard of her heat support, and sank deep into her bones. It was all she could do to keep her teeth from chattering.

“I read the general lab protocols last night,” Liara said. “The goal being this far out in the mountains is that if anything experimental escapes it will die from the cold before it reaches civilization.”

Williams rubbed her hands together out of habit, she’d get no friction in her armor. “Confirmation. I will freeze to death if we don’t get into that building soon.”

“I’m working as fast as I can,” Kaidan grumbled. As if his words were the code to break through the security system, the garage door began to open.

The team streamed into what appeared to be a storage space, dimly lit by the light flooding in from their entrance. Large containers— some stacked to the ceiling—covered the floor, their paint peeling and sides dented.

“If I close the door we’ll be in the dark,” Kaidan said as he fussed with his omni tool.

“Is there a way to tell what the ambient temperature in here is without the storm blowing in?” Shepard asked.

“Negative twenty-eight degrees,” Tali said. Possibly her first words since arriving.

Shepard jumped up and down in place. “Leave it then, we could use the light.”

A moan from Williams.

“I see another door up ahead.” Garrus motioned with his rifle light, illuminating metallic double doors in the back of the room.

The frozen floor was slippery under Shepard’s feet so when she looked down to examine it she almost missed the light of red that illuminated Liara’s chest.

Almost.

“Everyone down!” The Commander yelled as she pushed Liara to the ground. The group dropped as gunfire rained on them from three drones up ahead. “Tali!”

“Already on it Shepard!” The quarian yelled from safe ground.

Within seconds one of the drones was firing on the other two. Using that distraction Alenko and Garrus launched ECM grenades on one. Shepard, Wrex, and Ashley focused their gunfire on the other.

Silence filled the space.

Shepard looked over to Liara, a frown visible through her helmet. “It’s okay, it’s all clear. We should have been more prepared, I’m sorry.”

Warmth filled her smile as she found Shepard’s gaze. “Oh no, it’s not that. I just feel rather useless when it comes to dealing with technological warfare.”

Williams shot out her hand to help the scientist up. “We’ve all had a lot longer to practice.”

Shepard held back a smile at the display of camaraderie. “She’s right. Besides, last time I checked you’re the only one who can create a black hole.”

Liara’s fluttery laugh echoed against the walls of the storage room. “It’s not a black hole, Shepard.”

She just waved her hand at the scientist. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.”

They met up with the others at the doors, Garrus working silently on the interface attached to the wall. The doors clicked open within a few moments.

“Looks like someone’s better than you LT,” Williams mocked.

Kaidan threw his hands up. “I never said I was the best.”

Garrus chuckled. “I actually used the code he found to get through this door, but I appreciate the vote of confidence, Williams.”

Shepard glanced over at the krogan and said, “You’re awfully quiet Wrex. Feeling left out?”

He let out a snort. “Something’s off about this place.”

A creeping chill that had nothing to do with the snowstorm snaked along her spine, but she brushed it off as they walked into the next room.

Towers that matched her height, wrapped in thick wires, lined the walls. The contraptions, like a network of pipes, funneled into a platform in the center of the room surrounded by a half-moon desk covered in computers. Fifteen if she counted correctly.

Shepard imagined that if the power were on busy lights would be flickering over the consoles like Christmas decorations. Instead, it stood quietly. Vacant.

“Is this your wet dream, LT?” Williams asked as they examined their surroundings.

Wrex’s booming laughter filled the room.

“Nice, Chief. Toilet duty is all yours for the next two weeks,” the lieutenant said.

Shepard laughed at that.

“Worth it,” Ashley whispered.

“Jokes aside, what is it?” Liara asked.

Alenko hopped onto the platform. “My guess is it’s some kind of security system, but it’s powering something big.

A large armored door lined the wall on the opposite side of the room. Shepard pointed her finger at it and said, “Maybe that.”

“Could be. Guess we’ll have to turn it on to find out,” he said with a curious smile.

Chapter Text

Much to their dismay, there was no “ON” switch to the massive station that powered something beyond the door. Tali had lifted a panel under one of the computers and found the main power station, but with only an omni-tool to link it to, there was no way to assess how to turn it on.

Garrus leaned against the cool metal of the station’s scaffolding. “We need a stronger power source.”

“Yeah, but where are we going to get that?” Kaidan asked.

Tali pulled out from inside the panel, wires snaked along the structure in an intricate pattern. To most, it would seem like a jumble of cords, but it calmed Kaidan—each one had its purpose and place. “We could use one of the Mako batteries,” she said.

A rumble passed through the room, startling everyone, but Garrus just laughed. It was then that Kaidan realized the sound was Wrex snoring.

The lieutenant glared at the krogan. “Is he for real?”

“It has been hours since you started messing with that thing,” Williams drawled from across the room.

“At least it’s warmer in here,” Liara remarked.

“Barely,” The chief mumbled back.

Kaidan turned back to Tali and Garrus, the three huddled closely together around the dead power block. “If we use the Mako battery we may not be able to get out of here. That could be a death sentence.”

“You could use my life support battery,” Shepard said as she leaned over from the other side of the station looking down at them.”

“No.” The words came out of Kaidan’s mouth more forcefully than he intended. Everyone gave him a puzzled look except Shepard who he knew, despite her helmet being on, was raising her eyebrows at him. “I just mean that you’d freeze to death without your heating system.”

The Commander let out an exasperated laugh. “Trust me Alenko, I’ve been in colder weather than this and survived.”

He didn’t doubt it, but he wasn’t going to voice the real reason he didn’t want her life support system off. Without it, he wouldn’t be able to monitor her vitals or know where she was. It wasn’t a controlling thing it was just that she could be so damn reckless sometimes—he needed to know at a glance she was okay—safe.

“We can use that as a last resort, but there has to be something lying around here we can use,” he said.

“What about the drones we shot down in the other room?” Liara asked.

Tali shot up from the ground. “Great idea!”

They all looked to Shepard for permission, which seemed to surprise her. “Take Williams and be careful,” she said.

The three women went into the other room and Kaidan glanced at Shepard who was examining a different door, sealed by the lack of power, but not as hefty as the one in front of the station. He stood up from his spot, limbs barking in protest from lack of movement and the fierce cold.

“There’s got to be a generator or something for all of this,” she said as he got closer.

“We need a map,” he offered.

“Yeah, and we can’t just go barging around in here. If the lab is in lockdown because of some contaminant then we’ll all be screwed. God, if we came all this way to get stopped by a fucking door—”

“They’ll find something. We’ll get in,” he said more confidently than he felt.

“If they don’t, we’re using my life support system.” It wasn’t a firm statement, like she was testing his earlier outburst.

Wrex’s snoring was loud enough to drown out their voices, but he was still quiet when he said, “Just don’t. Please.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me. You know I did fine all by myself—”

“Well you’re not alone anymore,” he said, cutting her off. Something blazed in her eyes—a fleeting glimpse of emotion. Kaidan almost apologized for the informal tone, but she gave him the lopsided smile that made his heart flutter and whirled away toward Garrus.

He didn’t have time to agonize that this distraction was the very reason a relationship between them was forbidden in the first place because Liara, Ashley, and Tali came bounding back in.

“I think it’s just the thing!” Tali leaped across the room and knelt near Garrus.

Kaidan walked back over and watched her deft hands hook up what he assumed was a battery to the maze of wires. A single green light flickered on the side of the power station.

“Better than nothing,” Garrus said. He typed into his omni-tool for a few seconds. Kaidan could see they were in, but everyone else watched with trepidation as the turian flicked through numbered screens.

“A map at least,” Kaidan murmured to Garrus.

Garrus nodded quickly, still entranced by his omni-tool, and then said, “I’ll do you one better.”

The rest of the group looked around at each other, unaware of the mostly silent exchange of information between them.

Kaidan pulled up a map of the complex and illuminated it into holographic form.

“Great job guys,” Shepard said as she leaned over to examine the map, Kaidan holding his arm out so she could view it easier.

The lieutenant furrowed his eyebrows at the turian who still typed away. From his glance, there was no way they were going to be able to power anything else with the drone’s tiny battery. But then suddenly a wooshing noise fluttered over Wrex’s powerful snoring and they all turned their head to the door Shepard had been examining earlier.

“Yes!” The Commander bounded over to it and peered around the corner.

“Guess you are better than me,” Kaidan said, patting Garrus on the back.

“Well, it’s only fair. You can’t honestly be a biotic, the medic, and the best technician.” If turians could look smugly then Kaidan was sure this was it.

========

After spending what Shepard deemed as way too long looking at the map it was clear what obstacles they had to overcome. The facility was split into two separate parts connected by a tram. Kaidan suspected that was what lay on the other side of the armored door. The building they were currently in was something of a security and tram station. The landlines that powered the tram station were in a separate part of this building where Shepard would take Tali and Liara to restart them. Garrus and Wrex would stay behind to start working on running the tram once the power was back on and Kaidan and Williams would explore an unlabeled room in the building.

They walked cautiously, but the lack of heat signatures in a close radius had Kaidan feeling more relaxed about their safety (though there were always traps and drones so he didn’t let his guard down completely). As they rounded the corner it was clear that they wouldn’t find anything exciting in this room. It appeared to be a forgotten office space with dingy carpet and file cabinets against the walls. Despite the lack of lighting, there was a faint glow from the ice that lay crusted over the windows. He wondered if the storm had passed.

“So have you told her yet?” Williams asked. He paused his steps, hoping that he had misheard her. “I hate to break it to you, but it’s pretty obvious. Kind of painful to watch, actually.”

Kaidan spun around to face her, a wide grin visible through her helmet. He schooled his features into neutrality. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The chief rolled her eyes. “Fine. Pretend like it’s not happening, but no one cares. I hope you know that.”

He pulled open a file cabinet pretending to look through the pieces of paper. His mind was too preoccupied to be surprised by the fact that this research lab still had actual paper files. Williams pulled open drawers at the scattered desks.

He cleared his throat. “Who knows?”

“Me, Garrus, Wrex, Tali, Joker, Emerson, well…the whole crew, really. The Normandy knows, sir.”

His heart pounded in his chest as he gripped the metal cabinet. “Nothing is going on between us. I mean nothing has happened between us. We’re just friends.” The words came out as almost a mantra.

She stopped what she was doing and looked at him. “Can I ask you something?”

“I have a feeling you’re going to even without my permission.”

“Do you think after finding someone like her—no, not like her. Her, Commander Emilia Shepard. Do you think anyone else would ever compare?”

His throat bobbed. He knew what she was asking because they all felt it in one way or another. After knowing Shepard, none of them would ever be the same.

And they didn’t have to see her like he did to feel it either, something about her changed you. The way you saw the world, the person you wanted to be, the things you suddenly found yourself capable of.

He sighed. “No. No, I don’t.”

“Me either.” She shrugged. “I mean, if I was in your position. I don’t see a point in fighting it.”

“The point is that I like my job very much. I worked hard to get here and I’d like to keep it that way.” He looked down at the ground, rubbing his foot over the dirty carpet. “If I’m not a marine, Williams, I don’t know what I am.” He felt vulnerable saying the words, but that didn’t make them any less true.

The chief walked over to him and clapped him on the shoulder, willing him to look at her. “If I learned one thing from my dad, LT, it’s that there’s more to life than work. At least there should be. When’s the last time you actually lived?”

The lights in the room flickered on, the thin buzz of electricity filling the air and she let go of him. His mind was busy with her question, a flare of truth hanging over him. He didn’t say anything for a few moments.

She smiled again and turned away. “Don’t worry, LT. Your secret is safe with me.”

========

“From what I can tell there are no contaminants in the air in either building. Surely if it was toxic to be in here, Benezia wouldn’t have come,” Liara said, staring at her omni-tool as they all sat on the tram that moved them between the two buildings. The code the salarian scientist told Shepard saved them from hours of coding and the train had started without a hitch.

“Everyone keep their filter on just in case,” Shepard said.

Good thing we all have working life support systems, he wanted to say but held back. Shepard narrowed her eyes at him as if reading his mind, her mouth turning into a smirk.

“How much longer?” Williams asked.

“We’re traveling at about 5km per minute so it should be ten more minutes until we arrive,” Tali said.

Kaidan found himself grateful that he wasn’t the nerdiest person in the room. Not by a long shot. Looking around at their crew of misfits, he smiled.

The train jolted to a sudden stop as Williams said, “What the hell are those?”

It didn’t take long to see what she was talking about. Huge, brown creatures with long antennae and many legs swarmed the tram, tossing it from side to side as it rocked along the track. Green acid spewed onto the windows as Wrex held the tram doors shut.

“Why is it always acid?” Shepard moaned.

“Can someone please shut these?” Wrex bellowed over the shrieks and shrill scratching—of the bugs, they were giant bugs—as they crawled over the tram.

Kaidan rushed to the console at the end of the car and typed in a few commands. The doors shut as the creatures threw their bodies against the plexiglass. Everyone looked at Shepard who had her shotgun aimed at the ceiling as she mulled over something, chewing on her bottom lip.

“Can anyone see how many there are?” she asked. The tram rocked back and forth.

“I count eight,” Garrus called out.

The Commander looked up at the ceiling. “Okay. We have to funnel them in here, take them out one by one.”

Another slam and a curse from Williams.

Shepard unleashed a slim grenade from her belt and attached it to the roof of the tram. “Split up on either side. We can take them down as they pour in.” She gave them all a merciless smile. “Hopefully.”

They split into groups as she counted down and the grenade blasted a hole through the top. The impact hit one of the bugs and it toppled onto the tracks. Within minutes another one crawled into the hole, but instead of dropping down onto the floor it stayed attached to the roof and scuttled toward one group as another one rushed in after it.

“Okay, I did not anticipate that!” Shepard said as she released fire. Her shotgun blast was so strong it flung one of them across the car, its carapace exploding into chunks dripping with green goo. The creatures were distracted by the opening in the roof, which left the doors empty. “Open the doors now!”

Kaidan messed with his omni-tool while he threw a bug against the wall. The doors opened slowly, warped from the damage.

“Now!” Shepard yelled.

The team rushed out, Wrex leading the charge as he body-slammed a creature back, its form hunched over one of the many empty tram station chairs. Kaidan closed the doors, locking two of the remaining bugs in the tram.

“Liara, singularity!” Shepard called out as she biotically Lifted a bug, her face glowing despite the carnage around her.

Kaidan beamed with pride, but it was short-lived as a spray of acid coated the floor in front of him, his shield taking most of the damage. He threw up a barrier and threw the bug back, Williams finishing it off with her assault rifle. Garrus shot down the remaining creature as it crawled from the tram, its body making a cracking noise as it fell to the floor.

“Ew. I hate bugs!” Shepard whined.

Liara stood over one of the bodies with Wrex, their brows furrowed. “I think these are Rachni,” the scientist said.

Wrex shook his head, his voice just above a whisper as he said, “Impossible.” But the way the krogan stared at them made Kaidan think it was very much possible.

Chapter Text

Shepard moved the body—carapace, really—with her foot. “It’s heavier than I thought.” A ripple of disgust moved through her.

Wrex laughed. “Commander Shepard is afraid of bugs?”

The Commander, warmed and no longer concerned about the air quality, removed her helmet and glared at the krogan. “I’m not afraid. I just hate them.”

She took her hair down and adjusted it back into a bun on the top of her head, those delicate pieces she always left out hung around her face like wisps of smoke. Liara had to stop herself from staring and focus on the creature that lay before her. She didn’t know much about them, but all asari were taught of the Rachni Wars in school with vivid imagery and videos.

“What could they possibly be doing here?” she asked.

“And what does Benezia want with them?” the lieutenant voiced. The name sent a shockwave of emotion through her. She had spent the last several days adjusting to the task at hand and what she might find coming to Peak 15, but nothing had prepared for this. She supposed that deep down she had hoped this would all be a misunderstanding, that Benezia was really on their side.

“Well, we won’t find out just standing around, let’s go,” Shepard said, traversing through the rachni body parts.

They walked through an entryway that lead to three different doors, each one adorned with an icon above it.

“Maybe we should try contacting the science team,” Tali suggested.

“I tried back in the other building. No communications are getting out, but I suppose I could try again,” the Commander said. Her attempt filled the speaker in Liara’s helmet and within a few moments, another voice responded.

“Who’s there?” the words crackled over their speakers.

“This is Commander Emilia Shepard. I’m a spectre investigating this lab. We’ve made it past the tram station, can you send us your location?”

“You breached security?” the speaker asked. Shepard rolled her eyes with impatience.

“They’re this way, Commander,” Kaidan pointed to the door on the right.

Liara hadn’t even noticed him tracing their location. She wasn’t sure what to make of Lieutenant Alenko. He originally presented himself as a friend, but his most recent behavior made her wonder if she had done something to offend him. These last few weeks were a whirlwind lesson in human behavior. Even Chief Williams’s mood toward her was changing and as far as Liara was concerned she wasn’t doing anything different.

She was still pondering the two humans when they happened on a few more, armed to the teeth with guns and armor. Shepard immediately sheathed her weapon and the rest of their crew followed suit.

“Stand down,” the armored guard said to his men. As they approached he spoke directly to Shepard. “Sorry, we couldn’t be sure what was on that tram.”

The Commander’s eyes widened. “Are you telling me those things can work a tram?”

Liara wanted to say that the rachni were supposed to be extremely intelligent beings, but the guard said, “Not that I’m aware of, but we weren’t exactly expecting visitors.” He stuck his hand out, “Captain Ventralis - private security for Peak 15.”

Liara didn’t need to look to know that the Commander’s returning handshake was firm. “Commander Shepard, this is my crew,” she said gesturing to everyone.

“And what do we owe the pleasure, Commander Shepard?” His tone was sharper than she expected.

“Don’t be so excited to see us. We’re only seven more people to defend whatever,” she gestured at their poorly made barricades, “you have going on here.”

And then something happened, the air changed, Shepard stiffened as she gazed at the man’s gun. “What company did you say you were from?”

“I didn’t. We’re a private security company hired by Binary Helix to defend the scientists that work here.”

Liara looked between her companions who sensed the change as well, but looked back at her with equal puzzlement and then the lieutenant fingered his pistol and said, “Captain is an interesting title for a private security company.”

Whatever the captain was about to say was drowned out by the sound of metal pulling apart behind them. They all turned, weapons out as three more rachni crawled from the grates in the floor. Liara admired how quickly the creatures moved given their size was almost that of a krogan. Against them, the three rachni were dead within seconds.

Shepard turned back around to face the Captain, but he spoke before she could say anything. “Thanks for that. There aren’t many of us left, but there are a few scientists pulling themselves together. Food and water are getting tight. In a few days if this problem isn’t resolved they're going to blow this lab sky high, but we haven’t heard from the main base in days.”

Shepard closed her eyes as if in thought. When she opened them they were a darker blue. “How many people are here? And what the hell are those things?”

“I’m no xenobiologist, ma’am. I just kill what’s attacking us. As for the people, there are about thirty of us left. This lab once had two hundred employees.”

“We’re looking for Matriarch Benezia. Have you seen her?” she asked.

His eyes darted away and then found themselves back in Shepard’s gaze. “She was here. Never said what she wanted, just went down to the Hot Labs two days ago. We haven’t heard anything since. She’s probably dead.”

“What is a ‘hot lab’? Williams asked.

“It’s where they do all of their biosafety level 4 research. You know, the real dangerous stuff.”

“We’ll need access,” Shepard said firmly.

Ventralis pointed to the hallway behind him. “Back there, through the doors, you’ll find the scientists. They can give you the lab layout and security codes, but going down there is a death sentence. You’ll be lucky if any of you make it out alive.”

Shepard nodded for the group to move down the hallway and said, “Thank you Captain Ventralis, but I make my own luck.”

========

In the confines of a barrack, Liara drank her water with ferocity. She wasn’t sure when the last time any of them ate or slept was, let alone use the restroom. Williams had told her that their hardsuits were made for them to go to the bathroom in without ever having to take them off. The thought repulsed Liara.

Shepard had spent the last hour talking to the battered and traumatized scientists outside. Liara sympathized with them, but she didn’t have the energy to engage in any meaningful conversations. The rest of the team sat quietly on their respective bunks, everyone exhausted from the journey.

Shepard waltzed in, her normally perfect posture slightly slumped—the only indication of her own weariness. “Someone is lying,” she announced.

Kaidan sat up from his bunk, eyes red and glossy. “What do you mean?”

The commander looked around and hesitated before Garrus said, “We scanned the room. You can talk openly.” It was the first thing the turian did when he walked into the room earlier, a task Liara would never have even dreamed of needing to do.

Shepard moved her way to the table in the center of the room and plopped down, her armor contorting against every angle of her body perfectly. She scrubbed her face with her hands. “Ventralis said Benezia never came up from the lab, but one of the other scientists said she was here a few hours before our arrival and moved to the ‘Secure Lab’, whatever that means.”

Williams moaned dramatically from her position on a top bunk. “All these different names. Couldn’t they just number the labs?”

“Not really the point, Williams,” Kaidan chided. He turned back to Shepard, “Why lie?”

The commander shrugged. “Covering for Benezia would be my guess. Did you see the Cerberus logo on his gun?”

They all sat up at those words and suddenly the way Shepard had been questioning the captain made more sense. Liara looked to Alenko who nodded solemnly.

“First Akuze, then Exogeni, now this? What the fuck is happening?” The commander focused her attention on Liara. “You’re sure you never heard the name Cerberus before?”

The words hit her hard. Did she really think that after all this time she would be hiding information from them? “Of course not, Shepard.”

The commander looked away but didn’t apologize. Sometimes she could be so stubborn. How long would it take to prove to them that she was just as much a part of this team as anyone else? “I’m not keeping secrets from anyone. I think you’d all have realized that by now,” Liara said and stormed out of the room. The tears filled her vision and ran down her cheeks. She found a bench outside the nearest bathroom and sat down trying to muffle the sobs.

Her weight shifted as someone sat down next to her, but with her face in her hands, she couldn’t see who it was. The smell of her gave her away. It always reminded Liara of flowers by the sea, salt-soaked and sunkissed. Even with the sweat and blood layered over it, she was unmistakable.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard whispered.

Liara looked up to find those blue eyes piercing into her. She wiped the tears away with embarrassment.

Shepard leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. “I’ve tried to be sensitive and think about how hard this must be for you, but I’m doing a shit job.” She opened them again and said, “When I lost my parents I was so angry and so lost.” The commander’s gaze was far away and for the first time, Liara felt younger than her despite the opposite being true. “How would I ever find my place in the world or know what to do? Who would guide me through life? I was a teenager at the time so I had been going through that phase where I wanted nothing to do with my parents, but once they were gone I felt a kind of loneliness I never imagined. That was it. It was just me.”

Shepard turned to Liara and she could see it—all the loss and loneliness, the wisdom and experience, the pain and love she kept buried so deep down. Seeing it in her face was like a physical blow and she reached out to hold her hand without thinking twice about it. Her skin was so soft despite the scars and calluses that lay on the surface.

“I didn’t mean for you to comfort me,” she said with a sad smile. “I only meant for you to know that I’m here with you. Your relationship with Benezia is different than anything I ever had with my family, but I’m sure you already feel the loss even though she’s not gone.”

But she would be, soon. The commander didn’t need to say the words that hung so heavily in the air.

“Thank you,” Liara said, the warmth from her hand feeding a fire in her soul.

“And I obviously don’t say it enough, but you’re a valuable member of this team.”

Liara shook her head. “You do. I just—I’m just overwhelmed, as you said.”

Shepard removed her hand, the absence of it like the cold mountain wind. “You don’t have to participate in this you know. You could stay here.”

She had thought about it of course. Their confrontation with Benezia was likely going to result in her demise and if she was being honest with herself she wasn’t sure she could stomach it. But the thought of sitting here and waiting was unbearable. “No, I need to see her. I need to hear the words from her.”

I need to know why, she didn’t say. Something told her that Shepard understood that.

The commander nodded and stood up. “Kaidan so kindly pointed out that everyone could probably use a few hours of rest so try to get some sleep. We’ll move out in five hours.”

Kaidan.

She wasn’t sure when the commander started calling him that instead of Alenko or Lieutenant, but the thought grated on her. You’re just tired, she told herself and followed Shepard back into the barrack.

Chapter Text

“Fly the greatest warship ever known to man they said. It will be fun, they said,” Joker muttered to himself.

“I’m sorry, are you complaining again?” Rahman spun her chair to face him.

“We’ve been sitting on our asses for days,” he groaned.

She pulled her hair into a ponytail, elegant hands working seamlessly. “I rather like the downtime.”

“Well that’s all well and good for you, but Daddy needs to see some action.” His fingers danced over the console, though the ship had been powered down for the better part of the week.

“You know for someone who never leaves that chair you sure do talk a big game.” She narrowed her gaze at him, a challenge.

“We went out to the bar a few nights ago. I leave this chair,” he stated.

Suddenly she spun his chair around so that they were facing each other, the movement threw him off, but not as much as the flirty determination in her gaze. “Watch a movie with me tonight.”

“Is that a request or a command?” he asked, hoping she couldn’t hear the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his chest.

She let go of his chair so that his weight spun him away from her. He used the moment to collect himself. Was she actually flirting with him?

“Oh forget it,” she said moving back to whatever task that was busying her before.

He wasn’t going to let his damn arrogance ruin this for him. He spun back to her. “What did you have in mind?”

A smile lit up her face, which he already thought was achingly beautiful. “I have a thing for old horror films.”

“Okay,” he said.

The smile widened as she turned to him. “Really?” He tried to keep his face neutral, but her excitement filled him with a heat that burned his cheeks.

“Sure, if you want.”

She rolled her eyes at him. No way his play-it-cool act was working on her. “I’m going to ask the bar if they’ll make us slushies and we can get popcorn too!” She stood to leave.

“Just make sure there’s butter,” he added.

She placed two gentle hands on his shoulders as she stood above his chair and said, “Obviously, Jeff.” He heard her boots walk out of the helm. Had she ever called him Jeff before? Should that bother him? He was technically her superior officer, but the idea of him being in charge of anyone was laughable.

A million thoughts ran through his mind before he shook his head and pulled up a flight simulation, but her voice kept creeping into his head. And the way her hands rested so lightly but with such purpose on his shoulders. He fired up the simulation and ran it.

A perfect score.

========

“And he told him that if he didn’t select me as the pilot it would be a disgrace to Human-Turian relations. I’m just lucky Anderson agreed,” he said, amused by the shock on her face.

“That didn’t happen. You’re lying,” she nudged his knee, gently.

He shook his head. “I’m flattered you think I could come up with a story that rich, but it all happened. How else do you think someone like me got this gig?”

The smile that had played over her face all night faltered, her face turning serious. “You’re a really great pilot, Jeff.”

“Well, I know that. And you know that. And anyone who gives me a chance to fly knows that, but I also have other—not so great qualities.”

To his surprise, she nodded her head. “You mean, that you’re a huge ass.” The smile returned to her face.

It was his turn to nudge her back as they sat on the couch in the rec room, the movie long over. He hated horror vids, but it hadn’t been bad at all, especially sitting next to her.

“So what were you doing before this?” she asked, her legs folded up on the couch as she tossed another piece of popcorn into her mouth. It was impossible for him to not look at her lips, glossy from her constantly licking the salt off them.

“Mostly running transports for asshole politicians.” He didn’t really want to talk about this. His career before the Normandy wasn’t something he was proud of.

“Well, I think Flight Lieutenant suits you,” she said triumphantly.

“And what about you? You don’t plan on staying on the Normandy forever.” Though the thought of sitting up there without her felt lonely already.

She shook her head. “I’m lucky to have gotten this as my first post, but I’d like to have my own ship. Maybe not one as grand as this, but someday.” She shrugged, but he knew she was good—great even. She’d climb the ranks quickly.

“Yeah, I think we all got lucky working on a ship this elite,” he said.

She caught his gaze, her brown eyes warm even in the fluorescent lighting. “Well, actually I meant getting to work with you.”

Yup. She was definitely flirting with him.

Her hand reached out and grazed his, the feeling sending a shockwave through his body. Her fingers lingered, a tentative touch as his palm opened up to welcome it. She danced lightly over the surface of his skin as a chill passed up his arm and settled in his chest.

With his back facing the door, there was no way anyone walking by would see, but something still felt wrong about the interaction. Even though the urge to lean over and kiss her was something he actively fought against. She smiled again, every gesture weakening his resolve.

And then for some odd fucking reason he thought of Alenko, and the look on that poor guy’s face every time Shepard walked into a room. How his gaze followed her every move. Suddenly he understood as a sense of responsibility washed over him.

God dammit, Alenko.

He cleared his throat, “Look, Mandira-”

Her eyes flickered to his as something like determination passed over them. “Shut up,” she said just above a whisper.

It surprised him. So much so that he didn’t fight it when she intertwined her fingers around his and turned to face the TV. “Don’t ruin it,” she said as she flicked the screen on and played another movie.

And as her hand warmed in his he thought it was best not to argue.

Chapter Text

Shepard’s teeth sank into her lip as her body made impact with the stack of crates behind her. The world swam in her vision as the coppery tang of blood filled her mouth. In hindsight, maybe facing off with one of the most powerful asari biotics was a bad choice.

The crate swayed and she looked up just in time to see the top one teeter back and forth, off-balance from her collision. But whatever self-preservation she had in her faltered as the noise of battle rang loudly around her. She distantly heard someone shout her name in warning, but stubbornly felt that she couldn’t be bothered.

And then her whole body was throttled to the side as the top crate came crashing down right where she had been sitting. Her barrier sang in protest as it repelled gunfire and someone pulled her behind a barricade.

“Can you hear me?” A blurry Kaidan leaned over her slouched figure.

She nodded once, admiring the different brown hues in his eyes.

A curse escaped his lips and she smiled, he was rather adorable when he was flustered. He fitted something into her hardsuit and a small pinch had her scrunching her nose. Within a few moments the world seemed to straighten, her senses sharpened, and pain radiated all over her body.

“Fuck!” she yelled wincing and scrambling for her gun.

“You hit that crate pretty hard, your suit automatically released some painkillers. Maybe a little too strong for the mild concussion you have. I had to reverse it, so you’re going to feel everything.”

She gave him a tight nod so as not to move her head too much. “Thanks.”

He winked and his smile sent a thrill through her. “Don’t mention it. Shepard, is that really a Rachni Queen?” They both gazed at the glass tube suspended from the ceiling. A massive Rachni scrambling in panic.

“Where’s Benezia?” she yelled over the roar of gunfire. He shrugged, aiming at another target.

She looked at her HUD screen—everyone was alive, and vitals were acceptable given the difficulty of this fight which had been going on for what felt like hours. Williams and Wrex had suit breaches but didn’t seem to be slowed down. Shepard moved away from Kaidan, scanning the room for the Matriarch when an asari commando came from her blindspot barreling at her.

She threw up an extra barrier and tore at the commando’s shield with her biotics. The asari didn’t slow down as she Lifted Shepard biotically. The commander got a shot in with her shotgun and dropped the commando.

Suddenly she was seventeen, training her biotics against one of the best commandos and something like happiness ran through her veins. She mustered her energy and took a deep breath.

This was her fight.

She had spent too long hunting down Saren and Benezia to crawl her way through this battle, taking weakly timed shots and giving in to the pain that lit up her body like lightning. She stood up, licked the blood off her lip, and removed her helmet. It was only getting in her way and if her enemies didn’t have them, then she didn’t need hers.

“Shepard, stop!” Kaidan yelled from across the way.

She gave him a thumbs-up, knowing it would really piss him off, and moved through the obstacles. She flowed through the battle like a wraith, taking down geth with ease and pummeling asari whenever they got too close. Her biotics burned across her body like wildfire, a power that threatened to consume her.

Maybe she wasn’t invincible, but she was unstoppable.

And as bodies fell in her path she finally cornered Benezia. The matriarch was weakened by the strength it took to summon her army. Emilia smiled at her, blood staining her perfectly white teeth.

She was death, honed into a weapon, masked by a human form. Her blood thrummed with the thrill of a fight as she Lifted Benezia into the air. Her flare was the hot white heat of the sun burning up.

“Shepard don’t!” someone called out distantly, but she didn’t hear them. She focused her mind back on Benezia who dangled limply in her biotic grasp.

“Shepard, please!” Liara’s voice, so small and fragile shattered her resolve, and every bit of energy drained from her as she dropped to her knees, Benezia falling with her.

A haze cleared over her and Liara ran to Benezia, kicking her gun aside.

“Liara, be careful!” Williams shouted.

Benezia looked at her daughter with an admiration that kept Shepard grounded.

“Saren is too strong. You won’t stop him,” Benezia said through gritted teeth. “You must listen, there isn’t much time. His whispers are incessant.”

“How?” Liara asked.

“As soon as I figured out what was happening, I sealed away a piece of my mind for this moment. In hopes that I would get a message to someone who could help.” Every word was pained.

“The indoctrination?” Liara asked feebly.

“It is a terror to be trapped in your mind. To beat against the glass as your hands torture and murder.” A choked sob came out of the matriarch as Liara held her.

“Listen. He sent me here to find the location of the Mu Relay. Its position was lost thousands of years ago.”

“How do you lose a relay?” Wrex asked.

Benezia, with eloquence only mustered by someone over a thousand years old, explained how a supernova explosion caused the Mu relay to be displaced. How the only living creature with knowledge of it was the rachni queen before them, imprisoned and tortured into telling her the location.

“Why is the relay so important?” Shepard’s voice was rough as the words slid through a swollen lip.

“Saren believes it will lead him to the conduit,” Benezia said. “He did not share with me any more information than that. I would tell you, I swear.”

“We believe you,” Liara whispered, though Shepard wasn’t sure that was entirely true.

“We need that information,” Shepard said as she got to her feet.

“I transcribed the data to an OSD, take it.” Benezia shoved the drive into Liara’s pocket. “Goodbye Little Wing. I will see you again with the dawn.”

“We can help you,” Liara pleaded.

“No, it is too late for me,” Benezia said as her eyes flashed to black and her hand gripped Liara’s throat.

Shepard took out her pistol and shot the matriarch clean between the eyes. She dropped Liara as her body slumped forward.

Tali ran over to the weeping scientist and held her in her arms. Shepard stared blankly at the scene in front of her: A dead mother and a living relic.

========

“You let her go?” Sparatus’s holographic form shouted at her as she gripped the metal bar in front of her. This time she didn’t grip it out of anger, she was indeed angry, but she was also exhausted. She hadn’t slept in several days and her whole body ached.

“I wasn’t going to wipe out an entire species based on the poor decisions of creatures from the past,” she challenged.

“No one should have to make that decision,” Tevos murmured.

“Certainly not a spoiled, trigger-happy, human,” Sparatus spat.

Shepard glared at him. He was lucky she couldn’t lean over and wring his neck. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have been the one to make the decision, but I was. I did what I thought was right so you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

“The blood of future generations is on your hands if this goes wrong,” he snarled.

“Somehow, I’ll find a way to go on,” she drawled and then cut off the feed.

The silence of the room was suffocating as she slumped to the floor. Her tears, hot on her flesh and searing through the wound on her lip, ran fervently through the grit on her face. She could still hear the rachni queen’s voice broken and beautiful. Wrex had been right, the rachni had wreaked havoc on the world and killed millions. But Shepard would never want to be judged for the actions of generations past, why should she do it to anyone else? And as much as the idea of murderous bugs rampaging through the streets threatened them now, she wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if she denied a whole species the chance to live in peace. She had survived this long on instinct alone and her instinct told her to let that queen be free.

But speaking to that ancient creature about the dreams she had, about the wrongs she wanted to right opened something in her. This mission dug at her subconscious in a way she had never experienced, forcing her to face something she never wanted to deal with: herself.

She had spent so long going from mission to mission—alone. Never having the time or space to welcome anyone else into her life. These feelings that she had toward the Normandy crew were foreign, yet familiar to her—a different version of herself she thought was gone.

“Shepard?” His voice was so gentle and comforting, like rainy days spent cuddled under the covers. Safe.

Still, she didn’t want him to see her like this so she shook her head, hoping he’d go away. No such luck.

She quickly began wiping the tears away, but seeing him standing there, still in his armor after hours of being on the ship, only made them come faster. He slid down on the floor next to her and pulled her into his side, her body fitting perfectly against his.

“What am I doing?” she choked out. “I’m not a god. I can’t make decisions like that.” She gave in to the tears, sobbing with unprecedented force.

He didn’t answer. He just held her until the crying slowed and breathing became easier. She pulled away from him enough to look at his face, expecting to find pity but instead there was strength.

“You’re doing the best you can,” he said as he wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, his thumbs just as dirty as hers. “Don’t listen to that guy, he’s an ass. You brought a species back from extinction, you saved all of those scientists, and you took out a corrupt politician. You’re the best of us, Emilia. That’s why they made you a spectre.”

“I almost killed her. Without even letting her speak, I would have done it,” she said, remembering the frenzy of the battle, Benezia floating helplessly in her grasp.

“But you didn’t. You did however display that Lift maneuver beautifully.” He smiled and she laughed. Standing, he helped pull her up, “Come on, Chawkwas is going to implode if we don’t let her examine us.”

Bracing her other hand on the railing she let him pull her to her feet. Her muscles cried out in agony, a faint rush of blood to her head made her unsteady. Kaidan nodded to the door and walked out. She couldn’t help but admire the fit of his hardsuit and the way it so generously showed off his well-muscled form. Smiling to herself she followed him to the med bay.

Chapter Text

A week after they left Noveria, Shepard looked up as she finished buckling her boots over her glove-fitting hardsuit in the brightly lit cargo bay. Kaidan was leaning against the Mako, arms crossed, his left leg cocked at the knee with the sole of his boot resting against the tank’s metal exterior. He regarded her coolly as she approached the driver-side door.

“You’re really not going to tell us where you’re going?” he asked her for the second time that day.

The commander—lifted, with one foot in the raised vehicle—looked across the roof of the Mako at her krogan partner in crime—eyebrows raised, silently asking for approval.

“No,” was all the massive creature said.

Shepard turned to Alenko, face in a mock apologetic grin. “You heard him.” She leaned into the tank and adjusted her seat accordingly.

The lieutenant came over to the door and began to shut it. He peered over at her one last time. “Since when is Wrex in charge?”

Shepard smiled at him and pulled the door closed. Looking over at Wrex she frowned at his look of disapproval. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Everyone is too nosey for their own good,” he grumbled.

“Welcome to human nature,” she explained, setting the Mako up for their drop onto Tunatau.

“I think my life was easier before I met you,” Wrex said.

She gave him a cheeky grin. “Certainly more boring, but don’t thank me just yet.”

========

Wrex rummaged through the crates in the now empty warehouse. Mercenary bodies littered the floor.

“See. Here’s the problem with not having the rest of the team. Neither one of us can hack into this omni-tool or that locked room.”

The krogan shot her a look of disdain, but said nothing and kept sorting through things, his reactions becoming more and more aggressive as his patience thinned.

Shepard had spent the last thirty minutes using whatever hacking skills she could remember from her N7 training to get into Tonn Actus’s omni-tool. The profiteer’s warehouse was a house of horrors. Relics of the past littered the walls. Crates with what she could only imagine were filled with the same items sat untouched on the floor. These were people’s family heirlooms, their belongings. Personal and treasured items, possibly the only vestige left of a legacy. It made her sick to her stomach and she had no problem gutting him and his sleazy bodyguards.

“I wish there was a way we could return these items to their owners,” she said wistfully.

“Most of these families are dead,” Wrex said, his tone absent of any emotion.

Shepard decided it was probably best not to say anything. Of all people, she could appreciate the tranquility of working in silence. Still, she found herself asking, “Why didn’t you want anyone else to come? No one would have questioned it.”

Wrex stopped what he was doing and looked at her. “You were the one who said you didn’t want to involve Alliance personnel in this.”

She considered this and then said, “Yeah, but we could have asked Garrus. Tali even.” She didn’t suggest Liara. Something told her Wrex didn’t see her as the most useful combat partner despite her excellent skills as a biotic. Plus the scientist had little to say to anyone since the events of the following week. He didn’t say anything. “Look as much as I love sitting here bonding with you, I was just curious. You don’t have to—”

“I’ve never told anyone the story I told you. The one about my father,” he said suddenly.

Shepard tried to hide the shock on her face. It wasn’t like he was the most forthcoming individual, but no one? The memory of Wrex showing up to her room that day in Noveria played in her mind. He had come with such secrecy and purpose that she was almost relieved to hear it was something about his family history and not something related to the mission. Something like guilt made her sorry she had taken the exchange for granted.

But she wasn’t sure why she was surprised by what he had just said. She hadn’t told anyone about her family history until she met Kaidan, not that it was a particularly big secret. Somehow despite her silence everyone knew about Commander Shepard’s past even before she became a spectre.

“Obviously many of the clan members knew, but I left that place as soon as I could. I haven’t spoken to anyone since,” he continued.

“I can understand that,” she said with honesty. But, when Wrex said it, it made it seem like he was hiding from something. “I haven’t been back to Mindoir since the raid.”

“That’s the raid that killed your parents?” he asked, still searching for his family’s lost items.

She nodded. “And my little sister.”

If he felt sorry for her, he didn’t show it. “What would be the point?”

That’s what she had been telling herself for over a decade, but a different realization dawned on her in that moment. “Well, it’s my home..I guess.”

Wrex grunted as he heaved a heavy item from the crate, the drop of it echoing throughout the room. “Humans are sentimental about weird things.” She laughed at that. “What?” he demanded.

“I’m not sure it’s just humans,” she said, eyebrows cocked in inquiry. He stared blankly at her. “Why are we going through all of this trouble to get your family armor back?”

He narrowed his gaze at her as the wheels in his mind churned over her words. She smiled at him triumphantly before he said, “I made a promise that I’d get it back. And if you don’t have a home and you don’t have a family what else do you have except your honor?”

She didn’t have a response. The omni-tool had finally unlocked after her many pathetic attempts to hack into it. She was about to tell him when he spoke again, “I’m not interested in getting the armor back because I’m trying to preserve our history. I’m doing it because I keep my word and scumbags like Actus shouldn’t get to make a profit off the suffering of others.”

Shepard supposed that was a good enough reason as any. It was certainly good enough for her, but watching him sort through the thousands of lost items in here—she didn’t believe it was the only reason.

“Well scumbag he may be, but the man keeps good records. Looks like what we’re looking for might be in that locked room,” she said pointing at the door across from them. “I should be able to unlock it with his omni-tool.” She hefted the Actus’s body up, “A little help?” she said under the strain of his dead weight.

Wrex came over and threw the turian effortlessly over his shoulder before sliding the omni-tool over the security pad. The doors opened in an almost silent whoosh. Wrex dropped the body like discarded garbage and strolled in. This room was clearly special—glittering metals of statues and ancient weapons sat mutely in glass boxes. Wrex walked over to a mannequin outfitted in a rusted maroon krogan battlesuit. With a shocking amount of delicacy, he grazed a hand over the chest piece.

Shepard left the room to give him some space, launching herself onto a closed crate while she waited for him to finish. Her legs dangled freely, a light thud every time her boots made contact with the crate behind them. She chewed on her lower lip thoughtfully and seriously considered, maybe for the first time, what it would mean to return to Mindoir—its beautiful beaches and large grassy fields. Had her parent's farm completely burned to ash? What stood in its place now? The memory of it was a monstrous ache that threatened to rip her open. She found herself wondering that if—by some small chance—she decided to go back, would Kaidan go with her?

“I’m ready,” Wrex said as he exited the room, a large box in his grip.

She pushed off the crate and nodded as they both walked out of the warehouse leaving all of those forgotten memories behind.

========

When they got back into the cargo bay Wrex wordlessly walked to his personal corner of the room and rearranged his belongings. To her surprise, no one assaulted them on their arrival.

“Commander, Anderson is waiting for you to call him back. Should I patch him into the conference room?” Joker said over the speaker.

Shepard frowned. She was desperately looking forward to a shower. “Did he say what it was about?”

“No, ma’am. He did say it was urgent though.”

An unnecessary sense of dread trickled over her. “Fine. Put him through, I’ll be up there in ten minutes.”

Unbuckling her boots, she kicked off each one before moving her hands through the routine motions of unclasping her armor locks. Hardsuit hanging neatly in her locker, she unzipped her form-fitting undersuit. The rush of air over her sweat-dampened skin sent a chill through her. Standing in a white Alliance undershirt and black shorts she walked up to the conference room. She hoped Anderson wouldn’t mind her casual outfit because she was not about to go change into her BDUs for him.

Shepard paused outside the conference room as someone was finishing up a call.

“We saw a clip of you on the news with that Lieutenant Alenko. He’s so handsome,” a young woman gushed. The commander pressed herself against the wall, shamefully listening in.

Someone scoffed. It was Williams. “Don’t even.”

“What? He’s hot. Or do you have your sights set on someone else?” the girl asked with serious intrigue. A third voice giggled in the background.

“First of all, I’m not some horny teenager that drools over every attractive guy she sees. I’m here to work, not find a boyfriend. Second, even if I was interested in him—which I’m not—he very clearly has his sights set on someone else,” Ashley said.

Shepard fought ineffectively to keep a smile from spreading across her face. She knew already, of course. It’s not like he was particularly subtle, though she gave him credit for the effort he was valiantly putting into pretending otherwise. But something about someone else saying it out loud sent her heart racing.

“It’s Commander Shepard, huh?”

“She’s so pretty!” the third girl exclaimed. Silence and then a whiny, “It’s true!”

“This is hardly the reason I call to speak to you guys,” Ashley chided.

“Well, it’s the only reason we call to speak to you. Normandy gossip is way better than anything else you have to say.”

“I hate to interrupt, but I already told you the Commander needs this room. She’s probably waiting for you to finish,” Joker’s voice cut out over Ashely’s communication.

“You never told me that!” Williams shouted.

“Oh…well, I’m telling you now.” You could hear the smile that sat on Joker’s face.

“Seriously, Joker? I could just—” Williams let out a disgruntled sound. “I have to go you guys. Talk to you later.” The familiar beep of a call ending sounded and Shepard prepared herself to look like she was just stumbling into the room. Williams eyed her suspiciously as she entered, but Shepard schooled her features into complete disinterest. “Did you hear my conversation?”

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Williams, I have much more sense than to listen into people’s personal calls, don’t insult me.”

The chief seemed to believe her and nodded as she left the room. A blush set over Shepard’s cheeks and she checked the school-girl giddiness she felt before answering Anderson’s call.

“It’s about damn time, Shepard. What in the world have you been doing?” The Captain said by way of greeting.

“Spectre business,” she said, knowing full well that would get under his skin.

“I almost forgot what a treat it is to speak to you,” he said.

She gave him her most genuine smile. “What’s up, Anderson?”

“We need you to return to the Citadel. It’s urgent.”

“We?”

“Admiral Hackett and myself.”

Her heart dropped. What was this about that they needed to speak to her in person? “Why? It’s going to take days for us to get there. Can’t you just tell me now?”

“I don’t need to give you a reason to report back here. You might be a spectre, but you’re still an Alliance marine,” he said without emotion.

She hated it, but the desire to please her superiors won out. “Yes, sir. We’ll be there in a few days.”

“See you then, Shepard. Anderson out.”

She stared around at the empty room. Any happiness she had felt upon entering had drained out. She gritted her teeth and stomped over to the bridge to give Joker his new orders.

Chapter Text

Captain David Anderson paced nervously in his office, occasionally stopping at his immaculate desk to adjust a stack of papers by a few inches.

“Enough, David. You’re starting to annoy me,” Hackett said from his seat—Anderson’s seat.

The captain moved to the extravagant balcony that looked over the Presidium. Never in a million years did he think he’d be standing in an office like this at his age. But it wasn’t pride that he felt. He missed the rush of action, the steady stillness of space. This wasn’t where he expected his career to be already, he still felt like he was barely thirty.

“Why are you so sure that she’s going to react negatively to this? She’s a professional after all. One of our best,” the Admiral said, absentmindedly scrolling through his omni-tool.

“I’ve known Emilia Shepard a long time. She’s an excellent soldier—hardworking, talented, disciplined.” He smiled to himself, reconsidering that last word. “She’s also more passionate than anyone I have ever met. Her emotions may not control her entirely, but they’re powerful. And this—” he frowned, regretting the situation he found himself in. “This is personal. It would be a tough pill to swallow for any individual.” He held back from saying his true feelings, that Emilia had been through enough—this last piece of her past might be the thing to break her.

Anderson left the balcony and went back into the office, checking his omni-tool for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. At any second she was going to walk through that door.

“Your concern for this woman, while commendable, is unnecessary. You’re not her father, David,” Hackett said, looking up from his previous task.

No, I’m not. He was slaughtered when she was just a little girl, he thought. Instead, he said, “Of course, I’m not.”

There wasn’t much else to say. Soon she would be here and he’d have to give her this news she deserved to know it. Had deserved to know it long ago.

Shepard walked through the door a few minutes later, Lieutenant Alenko and Chief Williams in tow. The commander was trying her best to look disinterested, but he saw right through it. Anderson straightened his posture and did his best to mirror her neutrality. Hackett stood as the three marines saluted them both and waited for instruction.

“We’ve spoken before, but it’s nice to finally meet you, Commander. I want to thank you for all the hard work you’ve done over the last few months,” Hackett said. Anderson was surprised. It had somehow slipped his mind that the two of them had never met in person.

“It’s an honor, sir,” she said with perfect clarity.

“How is the hunt for Saren going?” Anderson asked.

“Slower than any of us would like. As you know Benezia’s death on Noveria was an unfortunate victory. She gave us the Mu Relay coordinates that will hopefully lead us to wherever Saren has this ‘conduit’.” She sighed. “Finding where the Mu Relay leads is a massive task in and of itself. I have the team working on possibilities, but we’re taking shots in the dark.”

Hackett and Anderson exchanged nervous glances. “I’ll see if we can put some other people on the task as well,” Anderson said, making a note in his omni-tool.

The two men made eye contact, an agreement. “Shepard, this is a matter that is best to speak about privately,” Anderson gestured at the two other marines and to his surprise, they didn’t budge. He turned to Hackett, a look of malcontent on his face.

Confusion and then surprise flared over Emilia’s face as she turned around to find the marines awaiting her command. “Dismissed,” she said and they nodded obediently before leaving the room.

“The loyalty of your crew is admirable,” Hackett said. “But need I remind you that those are still Alliance marines, they answer to the same chain of command they always have.”

“I’ll speak to them, sir,” Shepard said.

Hackett gestured for the commander and Anderson to sit down. The two of them took their seats as he leaned against the desk, a surprisingly casual gesture. The admiral looked to Anderson.

The captain ignored his anxiety and began, “The matter in which we have to discuss is sensitive information for many reasons.” He tried to convey empathy in his eyes if only for a few moments.

“Is this about Cerberus?” Shepard asked to his surprise.

“How did you know?” Hackett asked, not hiding his shock.

“I got an assignment from Admiral Kahoku that led me to them. I’ve been uncovering information for a few weeks regarding their stance on certain topics,” she said, clearly choosing her words carefully.

He had a suspicion when she had asked about Banes that she would dig deeper. Shepard was anything if not thorough. “Admiral Kahoku has been missing for three weeks,” Anderson said.

Another flash of concern and surprise. “What?”

He ignored the question. “Tell us what you know.”

“Not much. They’re a pro-human terrorist group,” she said, still feigning disinterest. Thorough and a good liar, at least he thought Hackett was buying it. Anderson knew better, knew that she wouldn’t have stopped at just that information.

Hackett spoke before the captain could continue. “Cerberus started as a rouge black-ops group that broke away from the Alliance.” Anderson looked at him with confusion, they had agreed to keep this part a secret. “They’re a black stain on Alliance history and one we like to keep a secret. Unfortunately, their numbers have grown rapidly and their name is becoming more and more public as they recruit new members.”

“Who is actually joining these people?” she asked.

“Extremists. Those unsatisfied with the rules and morals of the Alliance.” Hackett stood up and paced behind the desk. “We don’t know much about how they operate except that they are well funded and mostly controlled by an individual who calls himself the Illusive Man.”

The commander laughed. “I’m sorry. You’re not joking?”

“Theatrical monikers aside, Cerberus is becoming a concern to Alliance space. There are reports that their scientific branch is performing inhumane experiments, to say the least,” Hackett said and stopped walking. Shepard’s eyes darkened, her normal facade unable to mask a flash of anger. The admiral looked to Anderson to deal the emotional blow.

“Shepard, we received a report that Cerberus was behind the attack on Akuze,” he paused to assess her reaction but she was unwavering stone. “We don’t understand why just yet, but they were using the data on the thresher maw deaths for some reason.”

A flicker of light blue illuminated her hands, but she clenched her fists and it disappeared. “How long have you known?”

“That information is hardly necessary—” Hackett began.

Her voice was cold and firm, every word laced with venom as she turned her attention to Anderson, ignoring Hackett entirely. “How long have you known?” she repeated.

“A few months,” Anderson lied. It made him sick, but knowing they had hidden this from her wasn’t going to do her any good.

To anyone else, maybe even to Hackett, she was calm. But Anderson had seen her through too many traumatic moments to believe that there was anything except controlled boiling rage under the surface. He could see it in the darkness that consumed her normally pale blue eyes. After a few moments, she unclenched her fists.

“What are we doing about it?” she asked. A woman of action—he had taught her that—to channel her rage into something useful.

“We got word that they have a large base on the planet Bintu. We need you to get in there and extract information. We need you to shut them down,” Hackett said, relieved at her response, not knowing she was just getting started.

She looked down as the realization Anderson was waiting for set in. When she looked up the darkness was back, teeth barred and seething she said, “That’s why you’re telling me this. Not as a courtesy? Not because that was my fucking squad that was slaughtered, but because you need my help?”

“Commander Shepard,” Hackett scolded.

“Don’t!” she said standing up, closing her eyes against the explosion she was trying to reel in. Anderson didn’t stop her, they deserved this. “You have no idea what living with this has been like!”

“Don’t be so childish, we’ve all had to watch fellow marines die in the line of duty,” Hackett said.

Anderson thought she might scream, but instead, she glared at them both. “Find someone else to help you,” she spat.

“That is the person we chose to lead humanity?” Hackett yelled, pointing at the door Shepard had just stormed out of.

“I told you this was going to be difficult,” Anderson said, walking after her.

“Difficult? That was complete insubordination!”

The captain turned around to look at the fuming admiral. “Let me talk to her, just give me a few minutes,” he said and ran after the commander.

He found her pacing just outside the office, likely not wanting to find her companions as tears threatened to stream down her face.

“Emilia,” he said standing a few feet away.

She turned on him, the picture of heartbreak and desperation. He hated himself at that moment because like it or not she wasn’t just any marine or even his protege. She had become much more than that the day he carried her limp body from the wreckage of Mindoir.

“How could you keep this from me?”

“You know I can’t tell you classified information like that. And what? So you could go on another bender or worse a killing spree?” She glared at him. “Does it really change anything, Emilia?”

“Of course it does,” she said, but she didn’t give him a reason. He knew that there wasn’t a good one, but in her shoes, he’d be just as upset. She slumped down into a chair, her anger giving way to despair.

Sitting next to her he said, “You can sit here and hate me, I wouldn’t blame you. Or you can take this information, maybe a few months late, and do something with it.” It was the same options he always gave her and because she was who she was, he knew she’d make the right choice.

“I will kill all of them,” she growled.

He shook his head. “You won’t. You know they’re more useful to us alive than they are dead.”

She hung her head and silence passed between them. He was going to get up when she finally spoke. “I knew already.”

Shock hit him like a truck. “Excuse me?”

She didn’t look up. “I said, I knew already. About Akuze, about Cerberus.”

“How?” he asked, still bewildered.

She lifted her head and gave him a look that would send a lesser man running. “You have your secrets and I have mine.”

“And you knew about the base?”

She laughed humorlessly. “No. Otherwise, they’d all be dead.”

“So why the theatrics?” he asked, anger settling in. It came to a complete stop when she looked at him again—no malice or spite, but true sadness. Disappointment.

“You’re the closest thing I have to family,” she whispered. “The Alliance is my family.” She stood up wiping her eyes, fixing her hair, adjusting herself to be presentable. “Some family I’ve got.”

He didn’t stop her as she walked away, but before leaving she turned and said with utter calmness, “I’ll do it. But not for you or Hackett. For the marines that died at the hands of these sick assholes. And you can tell Hackett that damn right I’m the person you chose to lead humanity. Thank god for that because I have more honor than either of you.”

The words hit their mark as she passed through the lobby doors. He only hoped that one day she’d find a way to forgive him.

He walked back into the office to find Hackett typing furiously at the computer. “She’ll do it,” he said as he entered.

Hackett looked up. “Do we even want her doing it? I have half a mind to court martial her.”

Anderson bit back a rude retort. “We need her to do it. We can’t have this information floating around the Alliance. And here’s the thing you need to know about Emilia Shepard. She’s a force of nature. The most strong-willed person I’ve ever known. She will tear worlds apart for the people and things she cares about. And lucky for us, she cares about the Alliance. She cares about humanity. Probably more than most people in Alliance space.”

He let out a sigh, exhaustion weighing on him. “You want to find a marine to replace her? Someone who has managed to accomplish all she has in the time she’s had? Someone who has managed to find a representative of almost every species to join her crew—individuals who are blindly loyal to her?” He shook his head. “Good luck with that, Admiral.”

Chapter Text

Shepard sat at a musty bar in the wards finishing her fourth beer, neon lights flashing above her, the smell of unclean bodies floating in the air.

“Want to talk about it?” Garrus asked as he sat down and ordered them both a drink.

She laughed mirthlessly, swirling the puddling condensation of her beverage around the sticky bar top. “We’re all just cogs in this stupid fucking wheel, right?”

He sighed. “Right.”

She looked up at him with surprise. “Not exactly optimistic.”

Garrus smiled. “You don’t want optimism. And lucky for you because I’m not the guy to give it to you.” He sipped his beer as she watched him. “You want me to tell you the advice you already know.”

“Oh?” she said before chugging her beer.

“Mmm. It’s the same advice you’ve given all of us in one way or another since we started this crazy journey,” he mused.

She finished the beer with impressive speed and the world began to tilt slightly, the lines of reality blurring. “Humor me. What sage advice have I been spouting?”

Garrus paid for their drinks and pushed a glass of water in front of her. She frowned at it and then at him, but he silently ordered her to drink it. She sipped from it and looked back at him, he didn’t answer her question. He only smiled at her, infuriatingly. She finished the water and stood up, swaying to the side. He helped her catch her balance.

Throwing his arm around her shoulder to steady her he pulled her close as they walked off toward her apartment in the Presidium. Nausea had set in and no words passed between them. Once she was at her door he leaned next to her and said, “Break the wheel, Shepard,” and pushed the door open.

Inside was an apartment full of people and everyone yelled, “Happy Birthday!”

Drunk and utterly surprised she just stood there, taking it all in. The colorful birthday banner hanging over the massive window. Everyone from the Normandy was crowded in. The happiness from their faces started to fade to concern as she stood there stunned.

Kaidan stepped forward, each word coming out faster than the one before it. “I hope it’s okay. I know that today maybe wasn’t the best day to do it given everything, but we had already had it all planned and—”

She began to smile, her eyes glossing over. “It’s perfect,” she whispered. “I’m just…I’m a little drunk,” she said sheepishly.

Everyone cheered.

“Hell yeah!” Williams shouted.

Someone popped champagne, bubbles fizzing over her kitchen sink and music began to play loudly. To be honest she had entirely forgotten it was her birthday. She hadn’t had a birthday celebration in—she didn’t want to think about it.

Kaidan stayed close to her, a watchful stare as she greeted everyone and tried not to stumble.

Making her way to the kitchen, Tali fell into line next to her. “We weren’t sure what flavor of cake you like so we got a few options,” she said. Six different cakes sat on the counter.

Liara chimed in pointing at each one, “We have chocolate. Vanilla. Lemon. A flavor called, ‘birthday cake’ which is confusing. Chocolate with caramel buttercream. And my personal favorite, betini.” Shepard turned to her, confused. “It’s an asari fruit, similar to citrus.”

Alcohol-fueled tears lined her eyes. No one had ever done anything like this for her, not since she was a little kid. Everyone waited patiently for her to react. “Well, I have to try them all,” she said choking back the emotion. Cautious anticipation lightened once they all saw how happy she was and everyone moved around to mingle. She did stay in the kitchen to try every cake, after all it was there for her.

“So which one is your favorite?” Kaidan asked, leaning against the counter. His face was cleanly shaved and he smelled like her dreams—the good ones. She chewed thoughtfully. “We each picked one we thought you’d like.”

“Close your eyes,” she said. Warily he did as he was told. She stabbed a piece of lemon cake and said, “open your mouth.” Shoving it in as soon as he did. He smiled opening his eyes. “Which one did you pick?” she asked.

“Close your eyes,” he repeated back to her. She quickly shut them and automatically opened her mouth. She closed it around a soft piece cake, bursting with lemon. When she opened her eyes he had a smug look on his face.

“You know me well,” she said quietly.

“I do,” he said, his voice low.

Her throat bobbed and she took a step back as the heat of him tried desperately to pull her in. “I should mingle,” she said still barely audible.

He nodded never taking his eyes off her.

Shepard found Williams on the other side of the room, laughing with some of the other marines. She walked over and chatted with them, keeping her thoughts busy, but always aware of where he was in the room. It wasn’t hard to have fun though, being around all of these people felt right. It filled a space inside her that Anderson had so blatantly exposed today.

But they had to leave early tomorrow and they all knew it as she had notified them immediately after her meeting. And it was for that reason that the party began to simmer down just after the artificial daylight faded. Everyone began to leave, funneling out of the door and giving her hugs as they departed. She hadn’t been this happy in a long time, a stark contrast to the beginning of her day.

Against her better judgment she had hoped Kaidan would be the last to leave, but he ended up being one of the first. At least one of them was thinking clearly.

It was Garrus who lingered. She smiled at him as the last person left. “Break the wheel, huh?”

He nodded. “If there’s anything I’ve learned from you Shepard, it’s to never settle for second best.” The words warmed her.

“Thank you, for all of this. I mean I know it was all of you,” she said.

“We all helped, but it was Kaidan and Ashley that actually remembered. When is your birthday anyway?”

“Tomorrow,” she said.

“Well, happy birthday, Shepard, and good night.” He made a move for the front door but turned around. “Hey, what happened today? With your meeting?”

She just shook her head. “Nothing important, we can talk about it tomorrow.”

He nodded and shut the door behind him.

========

As she stepped into her hardsuit, readying for their drop into Nepheron’s atmosphere, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. Still, she buckled the clasps and put her boots on, painfully aware that Kaidan was watching her every move, a look of concern in his furrowed brow. She looked up meeting his stare and fought the heat in her cheeks, but his expression didn’t change.

“Can I talk to you?” He looked around at the rest of the team. “Privately?”

Anxiety. That’s what this feeling was. No, she didn’t really want to talk to anyone right now, but she needed to keep her cool. “Sure,” she said as cavalier as possible.

They moved over to an empty corner in the cargo bay. “Are you okay?” he asked her.

No.

“I’m fine,” she lied.

“Because it would be normal to not be okay about this.” His face contorted into something more genuine and then he glanced away nervously as he said, “You can tell me.”

I feel like my body is going to burst into flames and all that will be left of me is a pile of ash.

“Kaidan, I’m fine,” she repeated.

He didn’t buy it, not for one second, but he nodded. “Look, I’m not trying to be overbearing or anything I’m just trying to help. To let you know that I’m here, no matter what happens or what we find in there.”

And even though she didn’t ask, they were the exact words she needed to hear. The dread remained, but lessened. She gave him a tentative smile.

“Okay,” he said. “If you’re ready?”

What she wanted to do was to stay here with him, hiding in this corner until the world ended. She wasn’t ever going to be ready, but instead, she said, “Let’s move out.”

Chapter Text

Ice covered the landscape of Nepheron like a fractured mirror, dulled by the overcast shadow of slate clouds. Between the jagged mountains and frozen ground, the Cerberus compound sat like a sleeping giant. Three large canons guarded the entrance akin to the monster it was named after.

“Welcome to hell,” Shepard mumbled under her breath.

Kaidan couldn’t help but glance over at her every few minutes. He wasn’t sure what he thought would happen, but he saw the line of her sensibility pulled thin and taut, threatening to snap.

The Mako, with Garrus manning the gun, made short work of the cannons, but as soon as they were gone so was the element of surprise. With only one deployable vehicle and an entire base to take down, Shepard had crammed more than the safe limit of occupants inside the Mako for this mission with Liara instructed to go back for reinforcements. Now they sat perched, hidden behind an icy rockface, waiting for Liara to return with the Mako full of the rest of the Alliance team.

If he hadn’t gotten to know Shepard these last few months he would have thought this was just another mission. He would have missed that flicker of panic in her eyes lit up by the cargo bay moments before the drop, so foreign to her and the rest of the team. If he hadn’t been watching her so closely he wouldn’t have seen the way her fingers tightened over the shotgun grip with every breath. If he had been smart and ignored the feelings for her that now burned in his chest like an exploding star, then he would have thought her strength as they bludgeoned their way through Cerberus defenses was fueled by careful calculation and training instead of the storm that raged inside her, darkening eyes the only evidence of its ferocity.

Those blocking her path were carnage. She had promised Alliance command to take as many prisoners as possible, but anyone willing to defend the atrocities they found in this building fell at her decree.

Experimental tanks lined the walls in every room—a montage of all the horrors they had fought over the last few months—thorians, rachni, husks. Decayed bodies pounded on thick glass as man-sized arthropods scurried back and forth in their confinement.

If the commander was surprised, she didn’t show it. Emilia Shepard walked into that Cerberus base, a merciless god. She didn’t need the rest of them or the 6 marines that stood outside waiting for anyone who tried to escape. She was a blue flame that burned brighter than any he had ever seen, cleansing as it swept through the halls of this haunted laboratory. Those who laid down their weapons and begged for their lives were spared, efficiently bound, and taken outside to await the ship that would lead them to their imprisonment.

But words were not spoken amongst them as they cleared the base. They had become a well-oiled machine, their commander had trained them skillfully, and no longer did they need instruction—they each knew each other’s weaknesses and strengths. Behind her unstoppable force, they were an immovable unit.

Caught off guard, Cerberus never stood a chance.

Kaidan had been so swept away by the fluidity of things that he almost didn’t notice when they stepped through the door and found a Cerberus scientist with a gun to his head and Shepard nearly fell to her knees.

========

“Toombs,” she whispered, so low he barely heard it—may not have heard it if the name didn’t ring distant bells from a story she had told him months ago.

Hearing his name, a question on her tongue, changed the energy in the room. The marine’s grip on the gun was a vise though his hand shook with uncertainty. “Shepard.” A plea for mercy.

She shook her head in disbelief. “No.” The room was still as everyone watched the exchange between them, only Kaidan saw him for what he was, a ghost. “No, you died on Akuze. Everyone died on Akuze.”

Toombs let out a laugh that sent a slithering cold down Kaidan’s spine. “I wish I died on Akuze,” he spat at the man trembling beneath the barrel of his pistol. “They set it up, Shepard. They took me and kept me in a cage. Ran experiments on me for six years!” he screamed at the man, aerosolized saliva coated the scientist’s face.

Shepard’s face was an unreadable mask. “What did they do to you, Toombs?” Her voice was a shard of granite, the words slicing through the air.

Toombs shook his head and closed his eyes. He held the gun up to the ceiling but kept a firm grip on the prisoner kneeling before him. A whine of helplessness erupted from him as tears streamed down his face, making pathways through the grit and blood that coated his skin. It was then that the lieutenant noticed the scars that covered his frail arms—a roadmap of the torture he had been through.

“He’s lying! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” the scientist pleaded.

“Shut up!” Toombs screamed as he smacked the gun against the man’s head. A yelp barked from the scientist's lips.

The room looked to Shepard for guidance, her biotics were a quiet blue hum in her eyes, but she said nothing.

“Shepard, they have to die. For what they did to us, our team. For what they did to me!” He pressed the barrel of the gun into the man’s temple.

Kaidan could see it—the wheels of her mind turning slowly over memories that she wished she could forget; memories that went even farther back than Akuze. It was a dark place for her, one he had watched her battle since the day they met. One she battled long before she met him.

Shepard could be light and warmth—a gentle tide on a white sand shore, but something sinister lurked beyond. In the forest of her past, shadows threatened to engulf her. He had promised himself a long time ago that he’d always help her find her way back to who she was, to that illuminating smile and that laugh that made him believe in everything good.

With expediency, he switched his communication channel to private and spoke to her, “Emilia, I’m right here.”

She didn’t look at him, didn’t even acknowledge that she heard him, but with two breaths her fist unclenched. When she spoke her voice was silk and water, “Chris, I want them dead too. I want them all to be punished.” The marine looked at her, a wash of misery in his eyes. “But they’ve taken enough from us, from you. Don’t let them take your humanity. You’re not a monster.”

Toombs closed his eyes, his dark lashes wet. “I don’t want to be a killer. I just want all the screaming to stop.”

Shepard removed her helmet and walked toward him, light glistening off her tear-stained cheeks. “It never stops,” she said, “but it gets better.” Her gloved hand reached out to him for the gun.

After a few moments he handed it to her and the scientist let out a sigh. Kaidan wanted nothing more than to jam his knee into the man’s face. Shepard motioned to Ashley who gently took Toombs out of the room.

The next movements happened before he could blink. One breath Shepard was standing over the hostage and the next he was pinned against the wall, ethereal blue bleeding into the air around him as he hunched over trying to catch his breath. Shepard stalked toward him and grabbed him by the throat. Her body pressed against his as he writhed in her grasp, gasping for air. Her pistol shoved his chin up to the ceiling and yellow liquid pooled on the floor below.

Her words were serpentine. “Lucky for you, I’m feeling generous today. Generous enough to remember that if I don’t rip you limb from limb you’ll rot in a cell for the rest of your disgusting existence. But I promise you this: if you don’t confess to whatever horrors you did here and give every piece of information to the Alliance I will find you. And when I’m done with you, you’ll be begging me to kill you.” She laughed and it was the cruelest sound he had ever heard. “But I won’t. I’ll let you bleed out and watch as I destroy everything you have ever loved.”

She pulled her gun away and sucker punched him in the gut. He fell to the floor in his own urine, choking as she walked out of the room and said, “Someone please deal with this fucking garbage.”

Chapter Text

It had been three days since the assault on Nepheron and Shepard had only left her cabin to use the bathroom. Sleep continued to elude her. Every time she was lucky enough to doze off she woke rather suddenly by a variety of nightmares—each one more harrowing than the last.

She deserved it. She deserved every bad thing that had ever happened to her since Akuze—where she had walked away and left Toombs to die. To be tortured. Three days later and she had finally stopped throwing up every time she thought about what he had been through the last six years.

It should have been her.

And as she blared her music and festered in her thoughts like a spoiled brat she refused to speak to anyone, save for Chawkwas who demanded that she at least let her come in to bring food.

Everyone had tried, well mostly everyone. Wrex had the sense to stay the hell out of it. She had told everyone else to leave her alone and they listened. Everyone except Kaidan.

God, Kaidan. She actually screamed at him the fourth time he tried to talk to her. Screamed until he left and hadn’t come back.

It should have been her.

The Normandy deserved better. They deserved a stronger commander. She was hoping that one of these days when Anderson called for the tenth time someone would report her. Maybe then she’d get the punishment she so rightfully earned.

The door slid open and Doctor Chawkwas, unperturbed by all of Shepard’s emotional outbursts came strolling in with her medical bag.

“No lunch?” Shepard asked in a mocking tone.

“No, I’ve decided that I’m going to monitor your vitals but if you need food you can get it yourself. This whole thing has become rather ridiculous,” the doctor said. Shepard glared at her, but Chawkwas only stared blankly back at her and laughed. “Shepard, I’ve been around for a long time. I’ve treated many different species and soldiers. You’re not the first and don’t for one second think that you’re going to get under my skin.”

I bet I could, she thought maliciously and then shut it down under Chawkwas stone-cold gaze. She needed to stop taking the hatred she had of herself out on everyone else. She let Chawkwas examine her in silence, the doctor’s normal chatter was absent today.

“Is everyone doing okay?” she asked.

Chawkwas only nodded. No other information. She worked quietly and then gathered her things to leave. Before she headed for the door she caught Shepard’s stare. “Did you know that there is a celebration of life party for Benezia in a few days?”

Guilt knocked the wind out of her. “No,” she mumbled.

“Mmm. Well, there is. Her daughter will not be in attendance because she’s worried about you. She doesn’t want to abandon you in your time of need.”

Shepard scoffed, but the guilt began to spread. “That’s silly. She should go. She doesn’t need to be here.”

“Ah, but on the contrary, she wants to be here. And, I think she doesn’t particularly want to go to this party without having the support of her friends.”

Friends. Is that what they had become?

“I’m not worthy of being her friend,” Shepard muttered.

“That’s what I told her,” Chawkwas said, sitting down on the couch across from her.

Shepard’s eyes widen. “Well, geez, thanks doc.”

Chawkwas just shrugged. “It’s true. In this sorry state? You’re being about as selfish as anyone can be.”

Shepard looked away. She didn’t need this.

Tell her to get out, she told herself, but her mouth remained shut.

After a few moments of silence, the doctor picked up her bag. “You’ll let us know when you stop feeling sorry for yourself, then?”

Shepard didn’t answer. Doctor Chawkwas headed for the door, but before she could leave the commander said, “It should have been me.”

Chawkwas faced the door for a long time in silence and then turned back around and sat on the couch. Shepard watched her with trepidation, waiting for the words she so desperately did not want to hear—a consolation that it wasn’t her fault or worse that it was.

But the doctor said, “What you’ve done here, Emilia, on this ship is remarkable. You’ve created something I’ve never seen before—a team that works so seamlessly and cares so deeply about one another. You’ve created a family. Hell, even Pressly has expressed his concern about you.”

Shepard let out a light laugh. “I didn’t do that, they did it themselves.”

“Without you, many of them wouldn’t be here.” She settled on the couch. “The level of trust and openness has stemmed from you—it is what you have given them and in turn what they’ve given each other. And every single one of this crew is a wonderful person, but they’re following your lead.” Shepard locked eyes with her. “You’re their leader.”

She paused and continued, “What happened to Toombs is tragic, horrific. It’s not something that should have happened to anyone and if he were here right now he would agree with me. But that doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“It does. It matters—”

“No, Emilia. Whatever silly excuse you’ve come up with for yourself, no. When have you ever gotten stuck this deep in the past?”

She hadn’t, it was true. She had grown up quickly and learned to move on from the terrible things that happened to her. To bury it, somewhere far away where it couldn’t hurt her. That’s the person she had become—efficient, pragmatic, lonely.

“I’m not the same person anymore. I can’t…I don’t—” she scrubbed at her face, trying to find the words, “ever since I started this mission my life has changed. I don’t see the world the same anymore. I don’t know who I am.”

Chawkwas seemed to really consider this. “Well, let’s think about this logically. You’re still Emilia Shepard—human, female.” Shepard rolled her eyes, but Chawkwas continued, “You’re still an excellent soldier. As far as I’m aware you’re still the most stubborn and sarcastic person I’ve ever met.”

She laughed at that. “That’s not what I’m saying. I mean, I’m still me, but something is different…I just…never mind,” she said throwing herself on her bed.

Chawkwas laughed.

“I’m glad you think this is hilarious.”

“What has changed in your life, Emilia? What is different now than it was say, six months ago? And I’m not talking about the kind of mission you’re on or the promotion you got. Think hard.”

It wasn’t difficult to think about. She already knew the answer, could see all their happy and unique faces. She sat up and looked at the doctor, “I have—” Why were the words so hard to say? “I have people who care about me.”

The doctor’s eyes lit up. “I think most importantly, you care about them too.”

An onslaught of emotions welled to the surface—hot, whale-sized tears and choked whimpers. Chawkwas came over and placed a gentle hand on her back. “It’s okay to love people, to open yourself up, to feel things. As far as I’m concerned I think that’s what life is all about.”

Shepard wiped her eyes and let out a small laugh, a weight seemed to be lifting.

Doctor Chawkwas lifted her chin so that she met her gaze. “You’re upset because you feel as though you’ve let everyone down. Well, let me tell you: you haven’t let anyone down, but you will if you don’t leave this godforsaken room and take a shower.”

Emilia smiled and let out a real laugh. It felt good, wrong, needed. “I’m a little embarrassed to leave,” she admitted.

“You should be. That was quite the meltdown,” she chided.

Shepard nodded. “You should have seen me after Akuze.” She flinched as she said the words. Too soon. She wouldn’t be able to talk about it for a while.

Chawkwas only gave her a warm squeeze of her shoulders. “Oh my dear, we all know you have a flair for the dramatics.”

They both stood and Emilia grabbed her toiletries to head for the shower. Before they stepped through the door she grabbed Chawkwas arm gently. “Kaidan?” she asked with hesitation.

The Doctor smiled and gave her a wink. “I think an apology will suffice. One more thing.” Shepard raised her eyebrows. “Forgive David.” Anderson. She hadn’t forgotten their fight. “He’s a good man and he cares a lot about you. He was only doing what he thought was right, given the difficult position he is in.”

Shepard sighed and closed her eyes. “I know. I will.”

========

A shower and a few apologies later Shepard found herself at Liara’s door. Everyone was understanding, kind. Better than she ever deserved. Somehow she knew Liara wouldn’t be any different. She knocked gently on the door, the door pad light illuminating green as Liara welcomed her into the room.

“Shepard!” she said, the excitement in her voice nearly shattering her resolve.

Shepard gave her a hesitant smile. “I owe you an apology,” she said.

Liara’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”

“I know we talked a little bit after Noveria, but I haven’t been there for you like I should.”

The asari shook her head. “I needed time alone. Please don’t think you should have done any more than you did.”

Shepard nodded. “We should go to the party, for Benezia.”

Liara looked away and didn’t say anything. Shepard, not wanting to overstep waited for her to speak. She’d wait here all night if she needed.

Eventually, Liara sat down on her bed gesturing for Shepard to sit next to her. “I got word out to the other matriarchs about Benezia’s condition. Tevos helped me craft the right thing to say to them with out divulging too much information about the mission.” Shepard nodded, listening. “I didn’t want her entire memory tarnished,” she said, tears filling her eyes.

Gently, Shepard placed a hand on her back to comfort her. “I think that’s really nice.”

Liara nodded. “So it’s just a political event. I’m not sure I want to go.”

“We’ve spent the last few months hunting your mother. It might be nice to do something positive in her memory,” Shepard said and then added, “but we should only go if you want to.”

The asari’s blue eyes found hers. “I’ll think about it. Thank you, Shepard.” Shepard stood, adjusting her pants. “While I have you here I’d like to discuss the Mu Relay with you.”

“Great,” Shepard said, walking over to the desk Liara gestured at.

“I’ve been trying to figure out all the possible places the Mu Relay could lead to.” She shook her head. “It’s disheartening, to be honest.”

“Uh-oh.” Liara gave her a puzzled look. “It’s a phrase that means ‘that’s not good’”, she explained.

Liara smiled weakly. “The amount of phrases in the human language seems to be never-ending.”

The Commander laughed. “You have no idea. Don’t ever compare the rules of the English language with other human languages.”

“Noted. As I was saying,” a holo map of the galaxy illuminated. A million thin blue lines stemmed from a centered relay. “There are about two hundred and fifty theorized connections from the Mu Relay.”

“Wow,” was all she could manage to say.

“Indeed. I will try to compare my research data with possibilities, but we should look into other ways of figuring this out.” Liara looked desperately at Shepard. “With any luck, Saren is having the same difficulties.”

A shred of hopelessness began to build in her, but she did her best to ignore it. Her team needed her. She had to find a way to the conduit before Saren.

“We’ll figure it out. I’ll have the Alliance and Citadel teams working on it as well,” the commander said.

Liara nodded silently, the look of concern fading slightly.

“I have a few other apologies to make tonight,” Shepard said, trying not to blush.

Liara took her hand again, her skin warm despite the cool blue texture of her skin. “No one is upset with you Shepard, we all care about you.”

The words were almost too much to bear. The commander gave her a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Thank you,” she choked said quietly.

========

By the time she left Liara’s quarters, it was well past midnight. Kaidan was sitting alone in his usual spot in the mess. A gentle smile that made her weak illuminated the room.

They looked at each other in silence for a few moments before he spoke, “I heard you were out and about.”

The urge to find sanctuary in his arms was almost overwhelming, but instead, she sat across from him. “It’s starting to sound a little worn out by now, but I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “That’s because you keep apologizing when there’s nothing to apologize for.”

She found it hard to look at him. “I yelled at you. That’s not okay.”

“To be fair, you gave me a direct order—leave you alone—and I disobeyed. You definitely wouldn’t be the first CO to yell at their lieutenant.”

The words, meant to be considerate, were a reminder of how far over the line her feelings had taken her. It was her job to make the hard calls even if distancing herself from him was the last thing she wanted.

Shepard pushed out of the seat and gave him a sad smile. “Well, thank you for the leniency.” He looked disappointed as she stood. “Get some sleep, Lieutenant,” she said and headed back to her cabin.

Chapter Text

The asari matriarchs spared no expense throwing the celebration of life party for Benezia on Ilium. Once word got out that her intentions in working with Saren had initially been good she was welcomed back into their community posthumously.

Liara’s speech was eloquent and tasteful as she stood on the stage and spoke to an all too eager crowd. Kaidan admired her. He had never been one for public speaking let alone speaking to mostly strangers regarding a dead parent. A dead parent who not so long ago was shunned by these very individuals. In the spotlight, she spoke with pride and poise about her mother’s exceedingly long life.

Music hummed quietly in the background. The stage was draped with rich purple velvet to match the amethyst silk that hung limply from the ceiling. Jeweled chandeliers brought out a dim light that twinkled from their adornments like stars in the night sky, which was visible from anywhere in the room thanks to the expansive floor-to-ceiling windows that doubled as walls. Everyone was dressed in their best attire—suits and floor-length gowns. Kaidan was surprised to see that there were many different species here.

Liara’s words had him wondering what he might say in her position about his own father. They had never been close. Growing up, Kaidan never met his expectations of a man in the way that his brother did. He used to be close to his mother, his protector. But after Brain Camp, everything changed. He seemed to drift through life never quite fitting in anywhere. Joining the Alliance had given him something to do—a purpose where he could use his biotics for good, but something had always been missing. As he spent his adult life moving across Alliance space, the days passed seemingly without his acknowledgment until he suddenly found himself thirty-two and on a mission that would change the galaxy.

He couldn’t help but find Emilia in the room as if his body could sense her presence. Maybe it could, she did always seem to have a low-level biotic flare running. Prepared for anything. His eyes fell upon her elegant frame in a deep blue gown that fell to the floor, her entire back exposed until the lustrous fabric began at the curve of her waist. Her pale skin seemed to glow in the iridescent light and he imagined running his fingers across the strong structure of her back before letting his hand fall lower and lower. During this once-in-a-lifetime mission, he also seemed to have met a once-in-a-lifetime woman.

But they hadn’t talked in the last week. Not like they used to. He seemed to have crossed some line after Nepheron and while he hated himself for it—he wasn’t sorry. Whatever wall she had put up, he couldn’t blame her. It was easier this way to finish the mission out as professionally as possible. Even if it didn’t stop him from keeping a constant eye on her vitals during battle to the point of distraction.

During their last mission taking out multiple geth bases, Tali was able to retrieve the data she needed to complete her pilgrimage and while they hadn’t made any serious progress on finding the conduit, Kaidan could feel things coming to an end one way or another. Maybe when everything was over he’d work up the nerve to ask her out.

The spotlight on Liara dimmed as she stepped off the stage and walked over to Shepard, light applause sounding off in the room. Kaidan made his way to the bar and ordered a whiskey neat.

“I thought it might be weird to be here, you know since Shepard killed Benezia and all that, but it’s nice to finally have a drink,” Joker said as he ordered next to him.

Kaidan only nodded and sipped his drink quietly, actively fighting the urge to find the Commander in the now more lively group of people.

“You could ask her to dance,” Joker muttered as he drank.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “I’m not really in the mood for this, Joker.”

“If you don’t someone else will,” he said, motioning toward the exact place Kaidan had worked so hard to avoid.

She was stunning—vermilion hair cascading down her back and over her shoulder. A man, handsomely dressed and matching her height in heels leaned close and spoke to her as she laughed. It was all he could do not to Throw him across the room, but his feelings were unfounded. He didn’t have any claim on her and he pitied anyone that ever thought they could.

“What Shepard does off-duty is none of my concern.” The biggest lie he could have told. Joker knew it too by the smirk he gave him.

Kaidan excused himself. As pathetic as it was, he was prepared to leave the party as soon as his drink was done, but a balcony overlooking the whole of Ilium caught his eye. That’s what he really needed: fresh air.

It was a small space, big enough for two if you were getting cozy, but the cool night air soaked through his clothes and steadied the rhythm of his heart. At least no one was likely to bother him out here. Gravcars whizzed past with near silence and he recounted the last few months, painfully aware that whenever this did end, he’d never be the same again. Could he go back to a life off the Normandy? The thought made him queasy.

He lost track of time as he stared out at the asari architecture—skyscrapers that made Earth cities seem ancient and a thrum of colorful lights that reminded him of just how much life there was beyond his wildest dreams.

“I was wondering what happened to you.” Her voice was glossy and dark like the whiskey that warmed the back of his throat. It surprised him when they first met because it was deeper than he expected, but now he couldn’t imagine her any differently.

She moved next to him and he could feel the heat of her body. Their shoulders nearly touched as he turned his head to watch her gazing at the view. He wasn’t sure what to say, he hadn’t noticed her looking for him, but the thought sent a flutter through his blood. “I haven’t been out here long, but I was thinking about heading out soon.”

She frowned dramatically and he became aware of a hint of alcohol that wafted from her. “What?” he laughed, “you seem like you’re having a good time without me.” The words came out more poignant than he intended.

“If given the choice between socializing with a bunch of strangers or standing out here with you, it’s no competition.” She shivered as her skin began to prickle in the breeze.

Kaidan removed his jacket and draped it over her shoulders, the gesture allowing her to move slightly closer to him. He welcomed it, so much different from the cool distance she had kept from him the last few days. “That bar seems pretty low,” he said, trying to ignore the feeling that his heart might claw out of his chest.

She only shrugged and they stood in silence watching the flow of the city. “You’re different than I thought you’d be,” she said after a while.

“How so?”

Another shrug. “I just expected you to be kind of an asshole.”

He laughed low and caught her smiling out of the corner of his eye. “And why would you think that?”

She moved her body so that she was facing him and giggled. He turned to her, anticipation driving his heart rate up. She shook her head ruefully.

“Come on, tell me,” he said, reaching out to playfully pinch her side.

She laughed again, a melodic sound.

Emilia Shepard laughed a lot. Sometimes it was humorless or polite, sometimes it was hearty and loud, but now and then she’d laugh like this—carefree, easy—and it would light up his soul. It was a laugh he liked to think she saved just for him.

“Fine!” A grin. “Usually men as attractive as you aren’t the most desirable to work with.” She tried to sound casual, but the flush in her cheeks betrayed her.

He steeled his voice to be as neutral as possible, but she was unbelievably charming. A wry smile spread across his lips. “Emilia Shepard, are you telling me that you desire to be around me?”

Her flush turned red and she covered her face with both hands. “That’s not what I said!” The words muffled through her palms.

He grabbed her playfully again and she backed away from him, hitting the side-railing of the balcony and stumbling back. He wrapped his arm around her waist instinctively to steady her but the movement pressed their bodies together. “Careful, don’t fall,” he murmured, their faces a breath apart.

She gripped the muscles in his back, her hands hot through his shirt. “You would catch me though, right?”

The storm in her eyes called out to him and her lips parted just slightly, pink and moist. “Always,” he said thickly. How easy it would be to lean forward and taste her. To push her up against the railing and run his hands under her dress.

She rested her forehead on his and breathed his name.

Permission. Pleading.

He had to remind himself that even though no one inside could see them they were still in public—ripping her dress down the center and making her beg for what she wanted wasn’t really appropriate.

Appropriate.

None of this was appropriate, but he didn’t care. All he could think about was her and how badly they both craved each other. That all he had to do was—

The speed with which she pushed him away from her as the door opened was a frozen blade between them.

“Oh! I’m—sorry—I—excuse me.” Pressly shut the door as quickly as he opened it.

Shepard cursed lightly under her breath but laughed. It was all Kaidan could do not to pass out. What was he thinking? He couldn’t be here—not with her. No matter how badly he wanted it. They had a job and it was almost over, he could feel it. If Pressly reported them everything he had worked so hard for would be gone. More importantly, everything she had worked for would be gone. He couldn’t let that happen. How was it possible he had this little self-control?

“Kaidan?” Her smile turned to concern when he hadn’t spoken.

He scrubbed his face with his hands. “Shepard, we can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

When he looked up she was mortified, nodding and putting hair behind her ear. “Oh my god,” she said bewildered. “I’m so sorry.”

The words were like sludge in his stomach. Why was she apologizing? Did she think he didn’t want to kiss her? He reached out to explain, but she was through the door in an instant. Chasing after her would only raise further suspicion.

He gripped the balcony railing, daring it to snap under his wrath. Nothing could ever be easy. A cold feeling settled over him as he looked out over the view and the city pulsing below him.

Chapter Text

The salted misty breeze reminded her of summers on Mindoir, a comforting feeling that passed quickly. This place felt wrong from the moment the Mako wheels spun through the shallow water. A lightning storm raged in the background. The sky lit like a camera flash with each burst.

She stared at Captain Kirrahe as they stood on a strip of beach. Saren’s base towered gloomily in the background. This was not what they were expecting when they answered a distress call from STG operatives, the message too garbled to fully understand.

Saren had cured the genophage and he was cloning krogan. Those were the words that just came out of Kirrahe’s mouth.

A clap of thunder.

“He’s making some sort of army?” Williams asked.

“That explains a lot,” Wrex said.

Shepard turned to him. “What do you mean?”

“All the krogan we’ve met over the last few months. It’s no wonder I didn’t know any of them. Not to mention they all smelled…wrong.”

“Nobody knows for sure what his intentions are, but I can promise you they’re not good. The base must be destroyed,” Kirrahe said.

“Destroyed?” Wrex boomed. “This is the cure my people have been waiting over a century for!”

Kirrhae stared helplessly at Shepard.

“I won’t let you destroy the one hope we have at reviving our population!”

“Wrex, maybe you should cool off,” Kaidan suggested.

Shepard almost laughed at his brazen bravery but stopped when Wrex made a move to grab him by the neck. She stepped between them. “Take a walk, Wrex!” The krogan glared at her, his gaze threatening to rip her apart, but all she felt was steel pulsing through her veins. “That’s an order, Wrex.”

He huffed, surprising everyone when fire didn’t come pouring out of his nostrils, and stormed from the camp.

“You’ll have to get that under control,” Kirrhae said motioning at Wrex’s fading image.

“I don’t recall asking you how to do my job,” Shepard snapped.

Wrex was the first krogan Shepard had ever known personally. The genophage was something they had briefly touched on in N-school, but what she learned about it was so far from the truth. Like all other species, spec ops taught that the genophage was simply a means to end a looming threat. A necessary way to keep peace in the galaxy. And maybe it was, but that didn’t change the insanity behind it.

Once he forgave her human ignorance, Wrex took the time to explain his people’s history to her and the truth was heartbreaking. If she was being completely honest with herself, she understood both sides of the story, but she hated the outcome. If this was truly a chance to help the krogan species—

But it wasn’t. She had met the krogan fighting with Saren and they weren’t normal. Wrex was right about them being “off”. As long as Saren had access to a “cure”, the krogan species would never know peace.

Captain Kirrhae didn’t flinch at her tone. “Ideally there would have been more of you here, but some is better than what we had before.”

“You have a plan to destroy the base?” Garrus asked.

“Sort of. Not really,” Kirrhae said, motioning to a holographic map in the tent.

Everyone followed, but Liara pulled Shepard aside. “Should I go try and talk to him?”

Shepard shook her head. “That’s not your job.”

“I don’t mind,” she offered.

Shepard shrugged. “Just don’t kill each other.” The surprised look on Liara’s face told her how successful this attempt would be, but the asari followed him down the beach.

Tali, Garrus, Kaidan, and Ashley made room as she made her way to view the map of the base. “Let’s hear it,” she said.

“The base presents two problems: one,” he said holding up a single finger on his three-fingered hand, “is its size. This place needs to go and the only way to do that is to blow it up.”

“Seems dramatic,” Ashley muttered.

Shepard ignored her. “Blow it up with what?”

“Exactly,” Kirrhae said. “The drive-core on our ship if removed and reprogrammed can act as a nuclear device.”

“You’re kidding,” Tali said.

Kirrhae tilted his head to the side. “What would be funny about that?”

“As much as I love the commentary, let’s just hear the plan in its entirety,” Shepard whined.

Kirrhae nodded and continued with the map. “We’ll need a team to take out this portion of the base, planting the bomb in this region where it is most central and likely to have an effect. I will split my men into three teams that will infiltrate here, here, and here. Hopefully distracting the geth enough that you’ll have no problem clearing the area.”

“And the second problem?” Shepard asked.

“Hm?” Kirrhae asked.

“You said the base presents two problems: size and what else?”

“Oh, yes. Of course. Here,” he said pointing to an area circled in red, “are two AA guns. Without taking these out, the Normandy will never be able to land to drop off the bomb and pick everyone up.”

“I assume the bomb is timed?” Kaidan asked.

“Yes, fifteen minutes.”

Ashley gasped. “Fifteen minutes? You want teams from this area and this area to get back here for a pick-up within fifteen minutes? Her fingers danced over the map as she spoke.

The salarian shrugged. “It’s not the best plan, but it’s the only one we’ve got. I’m open to other suggestions.”

It was a tight run, but they had pulled off worse odds in the past. “Is Saren here?” Shepard asked.

“Unknown,” Kirrhae said simply.

As if he was listening in Joker paged in. “Shepard, our initial scans show that Saren’s big fancy ship is here.”

Fucker.

Kaidan let out a sigh. “This is the closest we’ve come to catching him, I think it’s the best chance we have.”

“I agree,” Shepard said. “How many men do you have?”

“Fourteen including myself,” Kirrhae said. Shepard cursed. “I should also mention that you’ll need to travel by Mako from here, there’s no safer drop point out of the gun’s range.”

Meaning they were limited to how many Mako’s there were. Not for the first time, Shepard wished they had space for another vehicle on their shi.

“The Mako can fit five of us at most,” Garrus said.

“I have a favor to ask, Commander,” Kirrhae said.

“Yes?”

“I’d ask that you send one of your soldiers with my team. The team that’s taking out the AA gun.”

“That’s the farthest point from the LZ,” Tali pointed out.

Kirrhae nodded. “It is the least likely group to make it back. I realize it’s a lot to ask.”

Absolutely not, was what she wanted to say, but how could she ask him to risk his men if she wasn’t willing to risk hers?

Before she could respond Williams spoke up, “I’ll do it.”

“No,” Kaidan answered immediately. “You’re my marine, I’ll go.”

“No offense, LT, but it’s not up to you,” the chief said looking at Shepard.

“Shepard, no,” Kaidan said.

The conversation happened so quickly, she couldn’t even get a word in. “Stop! Are you both so eager to die?”

Everyone was silent.

Kaidan spoke in a gentle tone, “Of course not, Shepard, but this is the whole reason why we’re here.”

“Just give me a minute,” she said, walking away from the group. Everyone except Kirrhae followed her anyway.

She ran through scenarios in her head. Someone would have to defend the bomb in case anything happened to her. And she wasn’t going to ask one of the Normandy’s marines to do it alone, they’d need a leader. Someone with tech skills in case something went wrong. That left Kaidan, Tali, and Garrus. She’d need Tali — no one was better at disabling geth. Garrus’s skills with a sniper were sure to prove useful.

Oh, he was going to hate her.

She took a deep breath. “Williams will go with Kirrhae’s team. Alenko you’ll stay behind with the bomb. Everyone else will come with me.”

His jaw nearly dropped. “What?” She had never heard him sound so angry.

“Thank you, Commander. I won’t let you down,” Williams said.

“I know you won’t, Williams. And hey, we’ll all make it out of here. I’m not worried,” she lied.

Williams nodded, but she didn’t need the consolation. There was nothing but pure determination in her eyes.

Kaidan grabbed her and pulled her aside. “What are you thinking?”

“That I need to go see if Wrex plans on leaving this planet or not,” she said.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

Shepard looked past him. “Look, I have my reasons and I don’t have time to go through every part of my thinking process with you.”

“Is this…is this about the other night? Because I—”

Anger mixed with shame rose quickly to the surface, her cheeks reddening. She had tried desperately to forget about that night and how she practically threw herself at him. The whole thing was mortifying and she was seriously doubting whatever ‘this’ was between them.

“Ugh, no!” she practically screamed, before composing herself and lowering her voice. “I can’t believe you would even think I’d…jeez, Kaidan. No.” She pushed past him before he could comment and headed toward Wrex, passing Liara on the way.

“Any luck?” she asked.

“I would be careful Shepard. I’ve never seen him like this,” Liara warned.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

“Hey, Wrex!” she shouted and jogged over to him.

When she reached him she almost stumbled back. She had never seen so much fury in his eyes. He had never looked so…so…alien. “Wrex?”

“I can’t let you do this, Shepard. This is everything my species needs to rebuild, to thrive.”

“Is it though? I feel like—” Before she could finish he pulled his gun on her. He was fast, but she was faster and her shotgun hung parallel to his.

She laughed. Laughed at the absurdity of the situation. At how shit this day had turned out to be. Didn’t they all realize Saren was here? This mission could be over by the end of the day if they would all just fall into line.

He stared at her, perplexed. “You think this is funny? And I was so sure I was beginning to like you.”

Shepard stared down the barrel of his gun. “It’s a little funny, Wrex. Not the genophage, but your behavior? Funny.”

He huffed, his hold was steady, but if he wanted her dead he would have taken his shot. Maybe they’d both kill each other here on this beach. What a joke that would be.

“Wrex this isn’t what you want. This isn’t the freedom your people deserve. And we don’t know anything about this “cure”. All we know is that Saren is successfully cloning adult krogan. It’s not right and you know it. Come on, you’re smarter than this.”

“I don’t need you to tell me how intelligent I am,” he growled.

“Sure seems like you do.” She lowered her gun. “Look, if you want to kill me, do it. But don’t lie to yourself about what’s really going on here. Killing Saren, blowing this place to fucking pieces is the right thing to do.” She folded her arms. “And, I know for a fact that you already like me.”

A few moments passed and he lowered his gun. “You’re right.”

She fought the urge to nod her head.

“I’m sorry. It’s just…we’re not a mistake, Shepard. We deserve the same things everyone else does.”

She had the strangest urge to hug him, but she already toyed with fate enough for one day. “I know. We’ll figure something else out. I’ll do whatever I can, I promise.”

He nodded and holstered his gun. “You said blow to pieces?”

Shepard smiled. “Yes, there are nuclear bombs involved.”

He laughed, a sound that rattled the earth. “Well, what are we waiting for, Shepard? Let’s go.”

========

Shepard sprinted toward the AA guns when Kaidan’s voice crackled over the comm channel.

“There’s too many geth here for us to hold them off,” he panted. “I have to set it off.”

Her heart stopped and her body froze. “No!”

“We got this, go help LT!” Williams roared.

“Commander, go get Williams. There’s no reason to come back here.”

She could think of two very good reasons to go back there—if the bomb didn’t go off all of this would be for nothing, but more importantly, losing Kaidan wasn’t something she wasn’t sure she could handle.

“Enough! I am the one who gives the orders.” She took a deep breath trying to organize her thoughts, but her head was on fire from the beacon. “Lieutenant, do not set that bomb off that’s an order. Williams—”

“Commander, it’s too late, the timers running…I couldn’t risk it.” His voice was stern, but she could hear the shakiness behind it.

“Ma’am, with all due respect, it’s more important that the bomb goes off.”

“It’s going to go off!” Kaidan yelled back.

The sound of gunfire drowned out both of their voices, but it didn’t matter. Shepard could barely hear them over the explosive sound of her heartbeat. The timer had fifteen minutes until the bomb went off. She could grab Williams and still make it back in time for—

A light beep in her ear let her know that a private comm channel had been created. Kaidan’s voice came in smooth like the honey color of his eyes. “I should have kissed you,” he said.

Her breathing was too fast, she couldn’t hold enough of it in to aerate her lungs. “You’re so stupid,” she muttered.

He let out a low chuckle. The sound made her heart feel like it might explode out of her body. “Yeah, I am. It’s the one regret I have in this life. But if I couldn’t do it, I needed you to know I wanted to. Fuck Emilia, I really wanted to.” He paused and the gunfire seemed to slow down. “Shit. More just arrived. You’ll beat him, Emilia. I know it.” Another beep to let her know the line was closed.

She gasped, choking from the pressure that tightened around her heart. The air was too thick. His voice echoed in her mind and she could feel the way his hand felt in hers, her body pressed against his. She could smell him—that perfect, intoxicating scent. She could see the way his eyes lit up when he talked about something he loved and that half smile he gave her when she pushed him just slightly out of his comfort zone.

She clamped her eyes shut, willing time to stop so she could just think.

Ashley needed her. She was so young and talented. In the last few months, she had grown so much that her potential seemed infinite. It was Shepard’s job to protect both of them. How could she be here? How could she leave either of them behind?

She finally took a breath. She wouldn’t have to, she’d save both of them. There couldn’t possibly be that many geth. They would wipe them out and run back to get Williams.

There was time. There had to be enough time.

Shepard took off in a sprint, the rest of the team tailing behind her. She shouted the plan over the comm line.

“Williams, work your way back toward us—we’ll meet you halfway once we’ve eliminated the threat. No one is getting left behind.”

“Aye, aye ma’am,” she said.

Kaidan’s comm line had been shut off. Shepard cursed over his stubbornness, but she felt better. This plan would work. She wouldn’t settle for any other alternative.

The water sloshed up her legs as she pushed her body faster toward the site. As the doors slid open she looked around wildly. Two geth had cornered Kaidan and the two salarians he was with were dead, water passing over their wide black eyes.

She lifted one of the geth and threw it against the wall behind her. Wrex ran toward it, taking it out as she barreled toward the other one. Pushing it with her biotics into the retaining wall behind and shooting once she got close enough.

With the threat eliminated, she ran over to Kaidan, the water around him crimson with blood. Her heart accelerated as she searched his body for the site of bleeding—a wound on his leg. Her HUD screen told her that his blood pressure and body temperature were dropping. She rifled through her bag and pulled out a piece of rope to tie a tourniquet around his thigh. His eyes fluttered open and closed and he smiled for a second when he saw her and then his pupils dilated in fear.

“It’s okay, we’re all going to get out of here,” she said, reassuring his thoughts.

“What are you doing here?” he choked out.

She smiled, completely aware that she had officially failed at avoiding her feelings for him. “Well, I couldn’t let you die with regret.” Her eyes found Wrex and she called him over. “Think you can carry him back?”

Wrex grunted in response, offended by the question.

“Williams, we’re headed your way.”

“It’s tight, ma’am….but….I think we’ll make it,” her voice was strained against the rattle of gunfire.

“Hold out just a little bit longer,” Shepard said. “Joker, hang on for a pick-up location.”

“Yes ma’am. Ready whenever you are,” he said.

They ran toward the AA guns, somehow they still had ten minutes on the clock. She was triumphant, elated, once again she had beat the odds.

The sound of an engine erupted loudly. They all turned their heads to see a geth drop ship soar over them.

She’d deal with that later.

But the noise didn’t pass with the ship. It kept getting louder until Saren himself materialized. Hearing Sovereign’s words in her mind she felt like such a fool. Saren was hardly even a turian anymore. Wires snaked up his arms and his eyes reflected back in an unnatural way. He was just a puppet in a much bigger game.

I am the vanguard of your destruction. You exist because we allow it and you will end because we demand it.

It was a nice speech. One that rivaled with Kirrhae’s, “Hold the Line”. The arrogant part of her rolled her eyes as the mechanical voice threatened her. Warned her to surrender. Even as her mind went through all the horrors they had seen—more evidence of indoctrination.

She was Emilia fucking Shepard.

Water roared around her. She really didn’t have time for this. “Get Kaidan somewhere safe and go get Williams. I’ll handle this fucker!” she shouted to no one in particular.

Taking out her pistol she began shooting at him perched in the air. He threw a ball of dark energy at her. It narrowly missed, but the force of it was otherworldly. Her biotics crackled in response as she ducked behind a crate.

“This has been an impressive diversion, Shepard. My geth were utterly convinced the salarians were the real threat.”

“Not the smartest bunch are they?” Her voice was lost in the rush of the surrounding brown river, the smell permeating her senses. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.

“You can’t possibly understand what’s really at stake. If you did maybe you wouldn’t try so hard to disrupt everything I built here.” His voice rumbled, like the inner workings of a factory machine.

“Make me understand, Saren! I’m a reasonable gal!” She loaded an EMC grenade in the confines of her shelter.

“You’ve seen the visions from the beacons.” The words made her flesh raw. “You should understand what the Reaper’s are capable of. They cannot be stopped. Do not mire yourself in pointless revolt. Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms. The protheans tried to fight and they were utterly destroyed.”

She peered out from behind the crate taking a shot at him, but his barrier deflected it. “You don’t know me Saren, but I’ve never been one to play by the rules. I don’t like it when people tell me I can’t do something.”

He paced back and forth. Possessed. “Don’t be foolish, Shepard. If the protheans had listened, would they still exist? Isn’t submission preferable to extinction?”

She actually considered his question and shook her head. “The Reapers will never let us live!”

He shook his head. “Now you see why I never came forward with this to the council.”

“Because it’s insane?” she yelled.

Plumes of fire billowed behind him. “We organics are driven by emotion instead of logic. We will fight even when we know we cannot win. But if we work with the Reapers—make ourselves useful. Think how many lives could be spared.”

She came out from behind the crate. He clearly wasn’t an immediate threat. Anxiety pulsed through her as she realized her team hadn’t come back yet.

He continued as if she wasn’t even there. “Once I understood this, I joined Sovereign, though I was aware of the…dangers.” She could hear the hesitation in his voice. Saren’s voice, not Sovereign’s. “I had hoped this facility could protect me.”

“How’s that working out for you, Saren? You look great. Maybe a little stiff. Is he oiling you up enough?”

He shook his head, ignoring the quip. “I’ve studied the effects of indoctrination extensively. Though the transition from independence to subservience can be subtle, my mind is still my own. Sovereign needs me to find the conduit. That is my saving grace.” A mechanical smile that was not his own spread across his face. “For now.”

“Tell me what Sovereign wants with the Conduit Saren and we can stop him. You’ve given up, but there’s still a way to end this!”

“No! Sovereign needs me to find the Conduit. It is my only salvation for the coming invasion. My only hope.”

Oh god. Was she really feeling…bad for him?”

“You could help me, Saren. We can beat them together.” Fuck if she’d ever work with this guy, but without his tool Sovereign would be stuck.

“I no longer believe that, Shepard. The Reapers are too strong. The visions cannot be denied.”

“Oh come on, man! Listen to yourself. You’re a fucking spectre. Sworn to save the galaxy and all that shit. You’re just going to bend over nicely whenever some scary AI decides it wants to fuck you?”

“I am doing this for humanity!” he yelled, “My way is the only way any of us survive. But you would undo my work, Shepard.” His voice took a sharp turn, slicing the air. “You would doom our entire species for your own selfish pride. Complete annihilation. I won’t let that happen. For that, you must die.”

Finally.

Gunfire broke out. He mounted his green-goblin hovercraft that was absolutely absurd and ridiculously cool to look at and shot wildly at her. Geth dropped from a ship and stormed toward her as her team barreled through the doors at the right time. She looked at everyone, but Ashley was missing.

No.

Her distraction was her downfall. He shot at her, hitting her leg as she tumbled into the dirty water, scrambling for her gun. In seconds he was on her. Lifting her into the air by the throat as her feet lashed out for something to hold onto. As her chest burn from suffocation her vision blurred, but she grabbed onto his arms and used the leverage to kick him hard in the chest. He stumbled back as she gasped for air. Black spots in her vision as the timer ticked off closer and closer to detonating.

Saren scrambled on top his escape and floated in the air above her as she took aim. But he was too far away. “Joker, pick up now!”

“I’m already here, Commander!”

She looked behind her as the Normandy touched down. Half her team loaded Kaidan up, the rest running toward her.

“Where’s Ashley?” she yelled.

Garrus shook his head solemnly.

“No! No!”

“She didn’t make it, Shepard. She—”

His words were lost as Wrex barreled toward them. “We leave now or we don’t leave at all!”

Her head was still swimming from the lack of oxygen, but she stumbled into the ship as it took off and the world imploded.

Chapter Text

The medbay had a certain smell to it. Like the coppery tang of blood mixed with the minty smell of antiseptic.

It wasn’t comforting.

Emilia hated it. She had never spent so much time in a medbay on any mission prior to this. In fact, she actively avoided doctors and medicine. Something about someone shoving an implant in her brain against her will had her second-guessing the Hippocratic Oath. But at this point, it was second nature to be in here—the measured sound of machines beeping, Chawkwas’s silent presence, and the rise and fall of Kaidan’s chest in the bed next to her.

This time when he stirred she didn’t move. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. She couldn’t bring herself to leave either.

His voice was weak and raspy. “Commander?”

Emilia shuddered at the title. It felt misplaced and wrong, like a shoe that barely doesn’t fit—at first you don’t notice and then one day you’re dealing with the most painful blisters. So she ignored him and continued to stare.

“Kaidan,” Chawkwas said. “Your leg took a bullet and you lost a lot of blood. Surgery to remove it was successful and I imagine you’ll be back to normal in a day or two.”

“Thanks, doc,” he said.

“Any migraines?” the doctor asked.

“No actually, just a minor headache.”

“Good. I have some things to do. I’ll be back,” she said.

The door cycled closed and Shepard kept her eyes trained on the wall. Kaidan moved, adjusting himself so that he was sitting up in the bed.

“Funny running into you here,” he said. Easy, flirty.

He didn’t know yet.

A gnawing in her chest bit down as she tried to breathe. A strangled noise came out.

He shifted. “Hey, hey…what’s wrong? What happened?” His voice was soft, warm, welcoming.

But she still couldn’t look at him.

Kaidan moved the blanket off, preparing himself to come sit next to her and she couldn’t stand it. Whipping her head to him she caught his gaze immediately. Air passed over her cheeks—wet. She didn’t know how long she’d been quietly crying.

And then the softness in his voice was gone, replaced by something harsher—fear. “Emilia what happened?”

A voice that didn’t sound like her own said, “Ashley’s dead.”

His eyes widened before he shook his head as memories came back to him. “No. No, you said that you were going to help her. I diffused the bomb and you—you went back for her right?”

This broken voice, the one stumbling over tears, this was hers. “I thought I had time! And I would have had time, but Saren came—and you needed me…and—” Her words were lost in choking sobs.

Kaidan swung his leg over the other, wincing, and limped the distance between beds. Shepard gave in as he cradled her against him, rubbing his hand in a soothing circular motion over her back. He took her face in between his hands, wiping the tears with his thumbs. “Shepard, I told you not to come back for me.”

The tears continued to pour, his face becoming a blurry mess in her vision. “How could I not go back for you?” she whispered.

“Emilia.” He said her name in gentle reproach as shame beat its way to the forefront of her emotions.

“I thought I had time,” she sobbed.

The look he was giving her held so much pain. She could see the regret etching its way across his face. He moved a piece of hair behind her ear. The gesture was so intimate, she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve his pity or concern or whatever this was, but she couldn’t move away.

“I thought I had time,” she repeated meekly. Kaidan wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly to him as she cried into his chest, clenching the fabric so tightly she thought it might tear.

Minutes passed and crying turned to sniffling. “I failed her,” Shepard said.

She could feel the disagreement in the way his body stiffened and the shake of his head. Shepard pulled away to look in his eyes again. So much sadness.

“It’s my fault. I should never have set the bomb off without your approval,” he said.

Now it was her turn to disagree. “It needed to go off.”

His laugh, humorless and harsh in the quiet room made her recoil. “Yeah, but did it need to go off right then? What was I thinking?”

She didn’t respond.

“Did it, Emilia?” he demanded, his eyes were crystallized amber.

She shook her head back and forth. “I don’t know,” she whispered.

He cursed loudly and turned away. Shepard had only seen him this angry a handful of times and it pulled her from her own self-loathing

“Kaidan, this is not your fault,” she said sternly. “I’m the one in charge. It was my responsibility to get you both out of there so that means it’s my fault that she’s gone. Just like it would be my fault if you were gone.”

I had a choice and I picked you.

She didn’t think the words needed to be spoken out loud and when he turned to look at her, the emotion in his gaze felt like it might crush her.

“She would have made it back with the others but she stayed to hold off the geth. No one knew until it was too late. I would have had time if Saren—”

Suddenly the doors cycled open again and they both turned their heads to see Garrus standing breathless in the doorway. “I’m sorry. I know this is a bad time and I feel terrible too with everything that—”

“Spit it out, Garrus,” she said too harshly.

The turian straightened. “It’s Dr. Solis or Dr. Hart, whatever you want to call him. I found him, Shepard. But we need to act now.”

Dr. Solis, the salarian scientist who indentured innocent civilians into growing extra organs in their bodies so that he could harvest and sell them. It seemed like a lifetime ago that Garrus told them that story. Ashley had been so intrigued.

Pain sliced through her with impressive force. “Garrus, now is not—I don’t know if we can…”

“Please, Shepard. We may not get another opportunity. This bastard needs to pay and you gave me your word.”

She didn’t need to look at Kaidan to know he was fuming. But Ashley would want them to keep going. She sure as hell wouldn’t want a scumbag like this to get away.

“Okay. Give Joker the coordinates.”

“Shepard, we need to—” Kaidan’s voice added to the rush of thoughts pounding in her head.

“I know what we need to do!” she yelled.

He swallowed his retort.

“This is my responsibility. My choice what we do,” she said, hopefully reminding him that this was her burden and only hers to carry.

The lonely life of a commanding officer.

She had gotten too comfortable with them. All of them. She let them tear down her walls and get past her barriers. They were her friends now. But their well-being depended directly on how good she was at her job. And right now she was failing them…all of them.

“I said give Joker the coordinates.” She pushed passed Garrus and headed toward the comm room. There was more than one call she was dreading.

Chapter Text

Shepard held the barrel of the sniper tightly in her hand as Garrus took his aim. “No, Garrus,” she commanded.

“Shepard. I’ve been waiting for this for too long to not kill this scumbag,” Garrus growled.

“I know. I know it feels like the right thing, but it’s not.” She stood her ground as the salarian doctor, crumpled on the floor making pleas for his life. Little whimpers escaped him in between breaths.

Kaidan couldn’t stop thinking about the people they found when they boarded the ship—barely alive, bleeding, some sitting in their own vomit. Killing them was the kind thing to do. He didn’t blame Garrus for wanting to murder this scumbag, but Shepard was right.

“Why? Because Ashley’s dead? That’s not my fault,” Garrus snapped.

It’s yours. The unspoken words hung in the air.

But really it was his. Maybe it was both of their faults. After spending days agonizing over it he wasn’t sure and the truth was that it didn’t matter.

Ashley was dead.

Shepard let go of the barrel and stepped back as if his words physically hit her. “Yes,” she said almost inaudibly. And then again, louder. “Yes, because Ashley is dead. And I’m so fucking tired of all this blood on my hands.” She looked down at her palms like she could see them dripping.

Garrus’s grip remained steady. “This isn’t on you. This is my fight.”

Shepard shook her head, eyes boring into the turian. “My mission. My crew. You signed up for that, remember?”

Kaidan wanted to say something. To defend her, but he had a feeling it would only make everything worse. Suddenly he wished Liara was here, she was always good at diffusing a situation. Unfortunately for Shepard, she was stuck with him.

When the commander said she only needed two people, he automatically volunteered—regretting it the second the words slipped from his mouth. He no longer trusted himself or his intentions with Shepard. Like a drug, he just wanted to be around her. To make sure if she needed him, he was there—though most of the time she really didn’t. How could he let this happen?

A shot rang out and the salarian took one agonizing breath before collapsing.

“God dammit, Garrus!” Shepard yelled and stormed out of the room toward the Normandy.

Kaidan took a deep breath and followed her.

The three of them stood in the decontamination chamber as the familiar VI voice spoke in the background.

“Why don’t you just take my fucking ship, Garrus? While you’re at it, let me know where the conduit is hiding. I’ll let Joker know you’re in charge.”

“You’re being dramatic,” Garrus said.

Kaidan shrunk back into the corner.

Shepard whipped around and stalked over to the turian. She was a head shorter than him, but Kaidan had no doubt she would win in a fight. It wouldn’t come to that though…right?

“I’m being dramatic?” she yelled and then her voice became eerily quiet. “You defied a direct order from your commanding officer. Is that what they do in the turian military because my guess is no.”

Garrus stared down at her, silent.

“I can’t even punish you!” She laughed darkly. “I can’t demote you, can’t report you.” Dripping in sarcasm, she pretended to have an idea. “I know! How about I drop you off at the next port and you can find your own fucking way home. Is that dramatic enough for you, Garrus?”

The doors cycled open and she stomped into the CIC away from both of them.

Garrus was pinned to the floor and Kaidan could practically see steam coming from his ears. He went to move around him when Garrus said, “Bet you agree with her. You always agree with her.”

Kaidan stopped immediately, his back to the turian. “Hey man, I didn’t say anything. Your problem isn’t with me.” He took a few steps and then thought better of it, swinging around to face him. “Actually you know what—yeah, I do agree with her. You can’t just go around killing people because it makes you feel better. Because the world would be a better place without them. Yeah, that guy deserved a bullet to the head but did you ever think about all of the families of his victims who deserved retribution? Deserved the closure that his arrest would mean? Did you think that maybe he could have given more information on the organ trade so that we could catch other sick fucks that are trying something similar?”

Garrus narrowed his eyes.

“Maybe it would have amounted to nothing, but that isn’t your call to make. It’s hers. She’s the CO. She’s the spectre. And for better or worse she has more experience making these decisions. So yeah, Garrus. I agree with her. Because she’s right and not for any other reason.”

========

Kaidan sat in the dark confines of a sleeper pod. He didn’t mind them, actually. Something about the small space, the darkness, and the buzz of the filtration system helped to ease a mild migraine more often than not. But tonight he couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was his argument with Garrus, though an hour after it the turian found him and apologized.

Tensions were high. Since Virmire, the Normandy felt broken. Ashley’s absence was like a dark cloud hanging over them.

He pulled the lever that opened the pod and stepped out, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the ship’s lights. Grabbing his boots from the storage locker above he made his way to the mess.

At the sight of her, his heart sped up. She was chewing on her stylus and scrolling through something on the ancient data pad in front of her. On more than one occasion he’d asked her to let him take a look at it. Shepard wasn’t the most technologically advanced marine and he feared that the poor thing hadn’t been updated in years. But she always said no.

It was the sight of two mugs that put a tentative smile on his face as he approached her. The way her eyes lit up when she looked up at him took his breath away. “Someone sitting here?” He gestured at the spot across the table from her.

Shaking her head she pushed a cup to his spot as he sat down. “I hoped to run into you here,” she said with a smile.

Kaidan peered into the mug and then sniffed it. “Is this hot chocolate?”

She nodded before her brow furrowed. “That is what you usually have isn’t it?”

The gesture warmed him. “Yeah, it is.” He took a sip, nearly spitting it out. “More like cold chocolate.”

She shrugged and put the stylus down. “I’ve been waiting a long time.”

“How rude of me to keep you waiting.”

He missed the playfulness in her voice the last few days. “I thought so.”

“Shepard.”

“Uh-oh.” She sat back in her chair.

He frowned. “What do you mean uh-oh?”

“Every time you say my name like that it’s like you have a little black raincloud over your head.”

“I do not!”

“Do too, so let’s hear it.”

“I just—I wanted to talk to you about what I said on Virmire.” Heat burned up his neck, turning his cheeks a faint pink.

She shook her head gently, looking down. Long, finger-like bruises wrapped around her throat, fury lit in his chest. “You don’t have to explain.”

Swallowing the anger he felt, he found her gaze. “I just needed to know if it was the reason you came back for me.”

An unreadable expression remained on her face as she stared at him.

“I know you thought you had time to get us both and maybe it doesn’t even matter, but it’s all I can think about and I need to know if—”

“I don’t know,” she interrupted, never looking away. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath. “I don’t want to think I could let something like that cloud my judgment. But if it did—you saying those words wasn’t the deciding factor. That decision was made a long time ago.”

His flush deepened and his heart thudded heavily with every beat.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a sound of exasperation. “How am I this bad at my job?”

“Hey.” He reached out and grabbed her hand across the table. The smile that formed when he touched her almost broke his resolve. “Emilia, this mission is going to end soon. Either in a fiery ball of flames when the Reapers take over…”

She laughed, watching him.

“Or, more likely, you’re going to stop Saren and save the galaxy.”

“What’s your point, Lieutenant?” She didn’t move her hand, instead twining her fingers around his as his blood heated.

When’s the last time you actually lived? Ashley had asked him. He thought she’d probably be proud of him for doing this.

“My point is that when the mission is complete we won’t have any…limitations. And I was hoping that you would consider going out with me?”

Her grip on his hand tightened slightly. “Lieutenant Alenko, are you asking me on a date?”

He feigned indifference. “Maybe prematurely.”

Her thunderous ocean eyes gleamed and she pretended to ponder. “Hmm. Can I think about it?”

“Of course,” he said genuinely.

“Well…I should probably just prematurely accept. I mean, if I change my mind I could always throw in the towel and let the Reapers win.”

They both laughed as his thumb traced gentle circles over the back of her hand.

“Shepard?”

Liara’s voice caused them to both let go immediately, turning to find her at the other end of the mess. Their smiles faded as the asari looked at them with a pained expression.

Shepard cleared her throat. “Hey, Liara. You’re up late.”

Liara looked between Shepard and Kaidan, easily piecing together the conversation she interrupted. “I think I know where the conduit is.”

Chapter Text

Goddess, how could she be so naive? Once she saw them together—holding hands it all clicked into place. The signs she misinterpreted, the way Shepard and Kaidan looked at each other, everyone’s whispered comments. Liara blamed it on her inexperience with humans.

But that didn’t change how much it stung.

“You know where the conduit is?” Shepard’s eyes widened and she stood up from her seat.

Kaidan’s flush remained, his eyes averting elsewhere. The least he could do is not look so ashamed—Shepard deserved more than that. Anger quietly built in her. Not from the gnawing pain she felt in her chest, but from everything. Chief Williams was dead, Virmire could barely be called a success since the only thing they accomplished was shutting down Saren’s lab, and Liara had spent the last forty-eight hours not sleeping so that she could solve a problem that would ultimately save the galaxy. And what were they doing? Flirting over hot drinks?

“Do you care or would you like to come find me when you’re done doing whatever this is?” she asked.

Her words sparked a furious flash from the lieutenant, but Shepard only looked hurt and Liara’s features softened. “Liara, I don’t know what you think is happening, but—”

“It’s okay, Shepard. I’m sorry I snapped…I’m just tired. Please come find me in my quarters when you’re ready.”

The commander walked forward. “I’m ready now.”

Looking at Kaidan one last time, Liara nodded and lead the way to her room. She was relieved when he didn’t follow.

When the doors closed, Liara walked over to the holoscreen at her desk to pull up the information. Shepard reached out and stopped her as she reached for the screen. “The conduit is important, but it can wait. We need to talk about what you saw out there.”

Avoiding her gaze, Liara shook her head. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Shepard gently pulled on her arm, willing Liara to look at her. When she did there was no shame, no anger, no deception. The sapphire pools of the commander’s eyes only held concern. “This isn’t about telling anyone anything…it’s about the fact that it clearly bothered you. Why?”

“It’s just been a long week. For everyone.” It wasn’t entirely a lie.

Shepard’s brow furrowed as she considered her words. “Yes, it has.” The commander let go of her arm and walked over to the bed a few feet away, sitting down and rubbing her face through her hand. “There’s a lot I’m not happy with about this mission. My behavior is the biggest one.” When she made eye contact again, that familiar sadness was back. Liara hated to see it. “If this all fails, the only thing I’ll have to show for this mission is the incredible friendships I have made.” She let out a disbelieving laugh. “Not exactly in the job description.”

Liara listened. Absorbing every word that came out of her beautiful mouth.

“If I have offended you in some way, it’s important to me. But if you’re sure that it’s nothing…I’ll drop it.”

She stared at her—hair that reminded her of fire, dark circles under her eyes from the lack of sleep, that smile that was always so kind and warm. Now was the time to say something. If she didn’t say it now then it would likely be too late.

“Kaidan is a good person, truly. If he is important to you in that way…then I’m happy for you, Shepard.”

A flash of confusion flitted over the commander’s face before a smile appeared. “Yeah. He’s um—he’s really special. If I’m being totally honest, I haven’t felt this way in a really long time…maybe ever.”

Each word was a blow to the chest, but Liara only smiled tentatively back.

“Please don’t tell anyone that I said that,” Shepard quickly added.

Finding her voice, Liara said, “Of course not. You can trust me.”

Another smile that broke her heart. “I know that.” The commander took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s see what you found.”

Biting back emotions that threatened to undo her she turned around to face the screen and pulled up an image of script she had translated. “I had been reading through the Matriarch Dilinaga writings and she speaks about places that hold great spiritual value. Some of them I had never even heard of, but there are only ten she specifically names. I got the idea that if the conduit was important to the protheans then maybe it’s hidden in one of these places.”

Shepard hung on every word.

“So I crossed these places with the possible Mu Relay exit points and I found something. Well, three somethings to be exact.” Liara pulled up the three locations all in very different parts of the galaxy.

Shepard stared at the names. “Well, I guess three is better than two hundred and fifty.”

Liara nodded. “Do any of the names ring a bell?”

Squinting at them again, Shepard shook her head.

Liara swallowed. Here came the uncomfortable part. “I’ve studied all of these places. While I may not have been to them, their features are in my mind. I know you don’t want to, but if we mind-melded…I may be able to figure out which it is.”

Shepard’s jaw clenched and Liara tried not to be offended. It wasn’t personal. “Shepard, if it’s too much, we can find another way. Three possible locations are—”

“I’ll do it,” she said with determination.

The asari tried not to let her surprise show. “Great, whenever you’re ready come find me.”

“Is now okay? I’d rather get it over with.”

Nodding, Liara braced herself and gestured to the bed. “Why don’t you sit down.”

The commander sat stiffly on the bed and Liara joined her. She tried to not think about how intimate this could be in a different situation.

“Place your hands in mine,” she said taking a deep breath.

Shepard’s hands were like solid ice and Liara let out a breathy laugh, meeting her gaze. “Shepard, I need you to relax. If you fight this it won’t work. I won’t let anything bad happen, I promise.”

The commander nodded tightly and sighed, letting her shoulders relax and her hands soften in Liara’s.

Liara channeled her power, staring into the commander’s eyes. She focused on warming Shepard’s hands and on the steady rhythm of their tandem breaths. “Embrace eternity.”

Her pupils dilated until all the color was gone and Liara found herself floating in pools of black. And then suddenly they were on solid ground, ash falling around them. A familiar buzz tingled in her mind. The longer they were in here the louder it would become.

Looking around she could see the remnants of war. The sky blackened with smoke and fires burned all around them. Prothean bodies littered the floor and somewhere in the distance, she could hear the laughter of a child. Shepard stood before her in full armor. Liara looked down, noting she was also in her armor. Unease was written plainly in the commander’s features.

“Shepard, this is only a place in your mind. Nothing bad can happen here.”

“Something bad already happened here,” she mumbled.

“Emilia! Go now!” A woman’s voice boomed through the sky and Liara watched Shepard shudder.

“This is a terrible place, but you can control it. It’s all about perspective,” Liara said calmly.

Shepard crossed her arms. “We didn’t come here for a psychology lesson, Liara.”

Gunshots rang in the background. Someone screamed in the distance.

“No, but I can’t stand to know that this is what populates your subconscious. I’m your friend and I can help you.”

“Emilia, I’m right here.” Kaidan’s voice echoed around them.

Liara smiled. “See. There are good things here too.”

“What is your happiest memory, Shepard?” Liara asked, trying not to flinch as the debris of a city fell around them, cracking like a whip. The same child’s voice echoed in the background naming off animals.

On the exterior, Liara hoped she seem calm, but being here was like a living nightmare. How did she survive every day like this?

“Horses, dogs. Oh! Kittens.” The girl said.

“Okay, but what is your favorite one?” This one sounded like Emilia’s voice, not Shepard, but Emilia—light and airy and young.

Shepard shook her head silently. “It hurts too much to remember.”

Another giggle from the sky as the charred, cracked ground became sand, but their surroundings stayed the same. “It’s tight, ma’am….but….I think we’ll make it,” Ashley’s voice echoed. Tears slipped down Shepard’s cheeks.

“I can’t do this,” the commander choked out.

“Okay. Okay.” Liara reached out to her and at her touch, the scenery changed to forest—beautiful and vast trees emanating cool shade as golden leaves flitted to the ground. Shepard let out a deep breath.

“Congratulations, N7.” A male voice said. Liara suspected it was Anderson’s.

The crashing sound of waves faded nicely into the background and the air smelled familiar—sea salt and lilacs, just like Shepard.

“This place is beautiful,” Liara said looking around.

Visibly more calm, Shepard stepped away from Liara and walked toward the sound of the waves. The crunch of forest debris was soft under her feet. “It’s Nevos.”

“The asari world?” she said surprised.

Shepard nodded. “Have you been?”

Liara shook her head. A million questions ran through her mind, but she didn’t want to overstep. “How did we get here?” she asked.

“The only way I can ever get out of that place. I have to think about somewhere I only ever felt safe.”

As soon as she spoke that last word the surroundings changed again and Liara held her breath as they sped through hundreds of images or interactions with Kaidan. Words rushed passed her as they both sat completely still.

“Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.” Anderson again.

“Alenko. Thanks for waiting.” Shepard.

“You jealous?” Kaidan. “Only a little.” Shepard.

“We can just be Kaidan and Emilia.” Kaidan.

“You could stay.” Kaidan.

“How do you do that?” Kaidan. “Do what?” Shepard. “Understand everything about me.”

The images stopped and they were back in the forest. Liara looked at Shepard and she had never seen her seem…embarrassed. Ever.

“I didn’t—I…” Liara stumbled on her words. Being in someone else’s thoughts didn’t just give you a glimpse into how they viewed the world, but also supplied an undercurrent of their emotions.

“Just—please don’t say anything. Let’s do what we came here to do,” the commander said with a tight smile.

Liara gave a quick nod of her head. “Right. What do you think of when I say the word, conduit.”

They were back in that terrible place in an instant. Saren’s words from Virmire echoing in the background, becoming louder and louder. His image flickered in and out in the distance. “Where is the conduit, Shepard?” Liara asked, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.

“I don’t know!” she yelled back.

“We need to find it if we want to stop the Reapers!” she shouted over the roar of Saren’s voice and the feeling of dread that hung in the air.

As if the words she spoke were the key, they found themselves in a completely new place. Vaulted ceilings towered above them with cracked sunlight escaping through overgrown vines that choked the glass on the roof. Pillars of prothean architecture surrounded them as they stood on a moss-covered floor. The silence was oppressive.

“I’ve never been here before,” Shepard said.

“Ilos,” Liara breathed. She had only seen glimpses of images, but here it was. A place so shrouded in mystery most didn’t even think it existed.

“Is that a name on the list?” Shepard asked excitedly.

Liara walked toward a pillar, reaching out to trace the statue. “Yes. I—I thought it was a legend.”

“Can we get the hell out of here then?”

The words startled her. She didn’t want to leave, there was so much here to be explored. “Yes, of course.”

Closing her eyes she imagined her room on the Normandy. The feel of Shepard’s hands in her own, the cool metal surrounding them. And in a flash they were back, sitting on her bed.

Shepard stared at her and Liara braced herself for backlash. “Is that where the conduit is?”

“I think so,” Liara said, never breaking away from her stare.

“Fuck yes,” the commander said closing her eyes and smiling. “We did it.”

Liara’s heart raced, a smile to match Shepard’s formed on her lips. “We did, didn’t we?”

Chapter Text

Despite the frequent trips they had made to the Citadel in the last few months, Shepard still found herself awestruck on the bridge as she stared out the Normandy’s windows at the monument spinning delicately in the ether of space. Its squid-like tentacles reached out as the ship passed through and the purple and blue glow of cities bigger than any she had ever seen expanded inside each arm. 

Millions of people lived here. And billions lived in the rest of the galaxy. That was what she was fighting so hard to save. It was all finally coming to a head—one that she would gladly cut off without a second thought. 

“As much as I love to hear you talk shit about The Council, remind me again why we’re stopping here instead of just going straight to Ilos?” Joker asked.

“Because Ilos is in the Terminus System and if we want a fair shot at getting to Saren, we’ll need backup,” Shepard said from behind him. 

“Even spectres aren’t allowed in the Terminus,” Rahman chided to Joker.

He scoffed. “Yeah, like Shepard cares about something like that.” 

The two helmsman turned to look at their CO who shrugged and said, “I never got a rulebook.”

Joker smiled menacingly at Rahman who rolled her eyes and returned to her controls.

As they began to dock Shepard walked back into the CIC, finding Pressly for the second time since his run-in on her and Kaidan. Mercifully he hadn’t said anything, but she was sure he was just waiting for the right moment to bust her. 

After Liara and she had found out about Ilos she woke everyone up to give them the good news. It was Pressly who had suggested asking the Council for help. Cynically, she had wondered if it was all a ploy for him to get an opportunity to report her, but as much as she hated to admit it—it made sense. 

“Commander,” he stiffened as she approached. 

“If we can’t get the Council to agree to send ships we’ll have to do this on our own.”

He only nodded in response. If he wasn’t going to bring it up, she sure as hell wouldn’t.

“It will be a suicide mission,” she added. 

Silence.

“Do you have a question for me, Commander?” he finally asked. It wasn’t rude, just pure curiosity. She wasn’t even sure what she was doing over here…maybe trying to feel him out before they faced Udina. 

She shook her head. “No.” The Normandy shuddered as it docked.

“Good luck with your meeting,” he said as she walked away.

“Thanks,” she mumbled.

Dealing with the Council was like dealing with a petulant child. Sometimes she felt like they only said no because they could. But this was different, if she was willing to risk her life for this they needed to learn to trust her. 

========

If she thought screaming would get her point across she’d do it. She would do anything to make these idiots see what a huge mistake they were making, but they wouldn’t listen. As the Council droned on about how the Reapers couldn’t possibly be real, her sanity was a tight rope, snapping in threads that frayed at the edges.

“I’m willing to die for this. After everything I’ve done. Everything I’ve been right about, you really think I’d put my life on the line for a hunch?”

“Your actions based on the last few months, Shepard, have been nothing short of insubordinate and brash. Quiet frankly, I’m beginning to question your sanity.”

“Sparatus—”, Tevos scolded.

“I’d be happy to show you what crazy looks like—”, Emilia started.

“That’s enough,” Valern said. “Ambassador Udina, I’m getting the sense that Shepard isn’t willing to let this go.”

Shepard fought the urge to stick her tongue out at Sparatus, but she stared at Udina with hope.

For once, please don’t be a piece of shit, she thought.

“Shepard,” he said quietly and she knew they had lost. “There are serious political implications here.” An angry tone entered his voice. “Humanity has made great gains thanks to you, but you’re proving to be more trouble than you’re worth.”

“You’re such an incredulous bastard,” Kaidan said under his breath though it was loud enough for Udina’s eyes to widen. Shepard bit back her laugh.

“If none of you will help me stop this, then I’ll do it myself.” It was the wrong thing to say.

“You will do no such thing.” Udina typed a few commands into his omni-tool. “As of now, the Normandy is grounded. Thank you for your service over the last few months, Commander. I think we can all agree you’ve earned some shore leave.”

The world tilted a little at his words and the last thing she remembered was Kaidan grabbing her as she lunged for Udina’s throat.

========

Shepard paced back and forth near the lockers outside the medbay. After she had calmed down, she was glad Kaidan stopped her from ripping Udina’s head off though she was certain she wouldn’t feel too much remorse.

She had never felt so defeated. It was as if the cumulation of the last few months—all the sweat, blood, tears, and death—hit her at once and she was beginning to wonder if she had anything left to hold together.

Kaidan approached her and the sight of him reminded her of how he defended her to Udina. She wasn’t sure she had ever seen him be subordinate before. She shook her head at the thoughts that ensued.

“Hey,” he said gently.

She slid down against the lockers, the cool metal singing against her skin. She looked up at him in response.

“Is this the seat you want when the Reapers roll in?” he asked with a smirk.

“How are you in a good mood?” she grumbled.

“Oh, I’m not. But the image of you lunging at Udina will live happily in my memories forever. Rent free, I might add.” He smiled at her and it almost made everything better. “I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t have stopped you.”

Emilia rolled her eyes and sighed. “No, it was for the best.”

He placed a shoulder on the locker, leaning against it. His gaze darkened and she knew he was back in the council chambers. “It’s unbelievable really. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? We’ve risked everything for this. And don’t get me wrong, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat…well maybe I’d do somethings differently, but—”

“Can’t just pull out a good old fashion, ‘It’ll be alright’, can you?” she teased.

His eyes found hers and his mouth formed her favorite smile. “It’s that easy, huh?”

She nodded with fake sincerity.

“Okay,” he said, his voice soothing her. “It will all be alright, Shepard. You’ll figure it out. I know it.” His gaze burned into her, setting her soul on fire.

“You know,” her eyes danced over him flirtatiously, “seems like we’re going to have free time while I figure everything out. Maybe we could figure some other things out too?” She held her breath.

This really wasn’t the time to be flirting, but if everyone else wanted to give up why did she have to be the only one who still cared? For once maybe she’d take the easy route. Maybe she’d give in.

“I’d like that.” He held his hand out to her.

Give in. Give in. Give in.

She grabbed it as he effortlessly pulled her up, pulled her in, and for a few moments the world slowed as their bodies molded to each other. She couldn’t tear her gaze away from his mouth, from lips she had been wanting to kiss for—

“Sorry to interrupt.” Joker coughed into the loudspeaker.

Shepard closed her eyes and took a step back. “Yes?”

“Anderson wants you to meet him at Flux, that club down in the Wards.”

“Joker?”

“Yes ma’am?”

“Nevermind,” she seethed.

She focused back on Kaidan who had stepped away from her completely to lean against the lockers again, a smug look on his stupidly perfect face. Something about him so casually staring at her like this, the muscles in his bicep just peeking through his shirt, the dark hair on his forearm, his callused hands thrumming against the metal. This is what her dreams—the good ones—were made from.

She felt silly asking him to come with her, after all, Anderson probably wanted to talk alone. Kaidan hated clubs—the loud music, the lights. She knew it might give him a migraine and yet, if she walked away from him right now all those pieces that were barely holding on might very well fall apart.

“I know clubs aren’t really your thing, but do—”

“They’re not,” he said briskly. “But helping you? Helping you is definitely my thing.”

Chapter Text

“I’m sorry, Captain Anderson, but even you don’t have the authority to release the codes.” The ship-traffic controller stared at him through her poorly cut bangs, reveling at this faux authority she held over him.

“There must be someone other than Udina who can release the ship.” He ground his teeth. His patience was thinning.

The controller shook her head back and forth slowly. “Not unless you want to do it yourself.” She laughed. “Good luck getting past security though.” Another poisonous smile. He made a mental note to fire this woman if he ever had the opportunity and stormed out.

Shepard had sent word that she’d meet him at Flux in ten minutes. He took a walk down the hallway to the control center. It was manned by three turian guards. Maybe twenty years ago he could get past them.

No. No, sitting behind a desk hadn’t aged him. If anything it only made him a better marine. He had never had so much time to go to the gym, something he was doing religiously again.

He followed the signs to the Wards until a thumping bass could be heard. As he walked up the stairs toward the club a salarian stumbled out and vomited on the floor. Three young women were screaming and jumping up and down in a group by the entrance. His ears rang from the surging music.

Okay, maybe he was old.

Anderson walked up to the krogan bouncer. “I’ll need to see some ID.”

Eyebrows raised he said, “Do you really think I’m too young to be in there?”

The krogan looked him up and down. “No. But this isn’t about age. You wouldn’t believe how many people are on this ‘Do Not Let In’ list I have.” He waved his omni-tool around.

Anderson peered around his shoulder. Neon lights flared up and down the walls like a lighthouse signal, cascading across the floor-to-ceiling windows, tinted so that the only view you could see in them was the club reflecting itself. Individuals from every species writhed against each other. Bodies seemed to melt together as if the club was made up of one homogeneous, electric being. It was the perfect place to discuss matters of…treason.

Anderson handed the bouncer his ID and walked inside, searching the glob of sweaty bodies for Shepard. They hadn’t talked since their fight. Recently she sent a message to him, notifying him of Chief Williams’s death, but it only held vital information. He didn’t think it was appropriate to reach out. Maybe she would see this as a peace offering.

Emilia stood by the bar next to Alenko. Head down and a drink in her hand she looked up at him through thick black lashes and smiled. Truly smiled. He hadn’t seen her look that happy in years. Something in him warmed and then froze over with icy anger. He wasn’t sure what was going on between them, but whatever it was was inappropriate. Anyone could see that plain as day. He should know, he once had his own dirty little secret. Leave it to Emilia to get herself into the one kind of trouble she wouldn’t be able to wiggle her way out of.

But he knew that if he went over there and reprimanded her she’d never look at him the same again. He was walking on thin ground with her and while what she thought of him shouldn’t cloud his judgment, he would be a liar if he said it didn’t. Besides, it wasn’t like he was here on official Alliance business anyway.

Anderson walked over to them and Alenko got awfully close to placing his hand on her hip before spotting Anderson behind her and straightening up, all the color draining from his face. That kid was always a straight edge. Again, leave it to Emilia to corrupt one of his best officers.

Just because he wasn’t going to scold her for her blatant disregard for the rules didn’t mean he had to pretend he approved. He looked between them as Alenko muttered a “hello, sir” and took several steps from Shepard. She frowned and looked up at Anderson like he was intruding. The nerve of this girl, sometimes. They both stared at each other, neither saying a word, Alenko’s eyes darting between the two.

She finally caved. “Did you need something?”

“Emilia,” Alenko chided automatically.

Anderson expected her to glare at her lieutenant. To dismiss him or roll her eyes or anything she would typically do to someone who was trying to tell her what to do, but she didn’t. She bit her lip and looked at him thoughtfully before turning to Anderson and giving him an, albeit forced, but apologetic smile.

“What did you want to discuss, Sir?”

The Captain held back his shock and stared at her. This was worse than he thought. Clearing his thoughts and focusing on his main task he gestured them over to a table where they could actually hear each other. When they were all seated he looked between them.

“What I’m about to discuss with you here could land you in prison, court-martialed, or even discharged from the Alliance. If you don’t want to incriminate yourself I suggest you leave.” He looked to Alenko, knowing that Shepard didn’t care about the rules.

The Lieutenant shifted uncomfortably but straightened his spine. “I trust you, Sir.”

He shouldn’t.

Anderson leaned forward. The club music was so loud it was unlikely anyone could hear them even if they were standing right at the edge of the table, but it still felt wrong to shout it. “First of all, I think it goes without saying that I believe you about the Reapers.”

The look of relief on Emilia’s face nearly made him smile.

“Second, I think the Council has their head up their asses about what we need to do next. The Citadel isn’t in grave danger…yet, but if you think Saren is in Ilos then it’s only a matter of time before he gets the Conduit.”

He paused and Emilia nodded at him to continue.

“That leaves us with a couple of options, both end in us breaking the rules and you getting out of the Citadel as soon as possible.”

“The ship is grounded, Sir,” Shepard said while crossing her arms. The formality in her tone shouldn’t have bothered him, but it did. He couldn’t help but feel this wall between them.

“I’m well aware of that, Shepard. All that means is we need to find a way to release the hold. There are two options—I take down the guards at the control center or I sneak into Udina’s office and release the hold from his computer.”

Shepard’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “That’s too dangerous. You could get caught or imprisoned.”

Alenko just looked at Emilia. “Shepard, this is the chance we’ve been waiting for. We need this.”

“Listen to Alenko. I’m not taking any more risk by doing this than you are leaving with that ship. We’ll all be implicated if this goes south. Everyone on the Normandy included.”

Gritting her teeth she looked at both of them. “This is the kind of stunt I might pull, but I won’t let you guys take the fall for this.”

Anderson sat back in his chair and shrugged. “Well, your other option is to watch Saren win. So take your pick.”

He could tell Alenko was fighting the urge to reach out and touch her. How fucking long had this been going on? God, he hoped she had the sense not to sleep with him.

Shepard looked at their surroundings as if the degenerates of the Wards would give her the answers. “Fine,” she bit out. “But break into Udina’s office. The last thing I need is you getting your ass kicked and imprisoned, Sir.” She said the last bit with the sass he had missed from this conversation and smiled.

“Warn your crew. Give me twenty minutes and be ready to leave ASAP.”

They all stood. Alenko leaned into her and said, “I’ll meet you at the door.”

She nodded briefly and stared at Anderson while he walked away.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked.

“Because I believe in you and I trust you. I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that, Shepard.”

Her eyes glossed over. “Be careful.”

Anderson raised his eyebrows. “Who do you think taught you how to be a deviant?”

That earned him a smile, but he couldn’t let her go without saying something. “You be careful too, Shepard. I don’t just mean about this mission.” He pointedly looked at Alenko and she flushed. Actually flushed.

“It’s not…nothing is going on between us. We’re friends.”

“Friendship is the foundation for any romantic relationship.”

She rolled her eyes. “Ok, Dad. Go on now,” she said gesturing her head to the door. “Prove to us all that you haven’t lost your touch.”

Anderson scowled at her but grinned. It wasn’t like them to talk about their feelings or their relationship. They both knew what they meant to one another. She didn’t outright accept his apology, but he knew they were back to being on good ground with the way she teased him. That was Emilia and he would expect nothing less.

Chapter Text

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and closed her laptop. After her meeting with Anderson, she got back on the ship and gave the entire crew the option of staying behind. This would be a mission some may not come back from and even if they did, what waited for them might be time in a cell. No one had left and it did something mushy to her heart. But that was short-lived as she ran through a million worst-case scenarios. The thing was, she had literally no idea what to expect on Ilos.

It was the waiting that was pure torture.

A knock sounded at her door and she called out for them to enter, grateful for the distraction.

Kaidan appeared in his perfectly form-fitting BDUs, sexualizing yet another everyday item. A cautious smile appeared on his lips as he walked in and the door closed behind him. She stopped hating the way her body longed for his touch, but she wished she could at least numb the feeling a bit.

Fuck. This was like being fifteen all over again.

“Hey Commander,” he said, his voice wavering.

She laughed at the formality. “Hey, Staff Lieutenant.” His face reddened. He looked awfully nervous to be in here. “Something I can help you with?”

Kaidan took a deep breath. “Shit’s really going to hit the fan when we get to Ilos,” he said.

Her body stiffened. “You’re not having second thoughts, are you? Because it’s a little late…”

“No. No, nothing like that. Though it is ironic. We had to break all of the rules to save the people who make the rules.”

She gave him a predatory smile. “Welcome to my life.”

He ran his hand down the back of his neck and glanced at the floor. There was something he wasn’t saying and it was making her uncomfortable.

“Kaidan, just spit it out.”

His eyes flashed to her and he nodded as if in solidarity with himself. “Look, Emilia.” She loved the way her name sounded coming out of his mouth. “I’m not naive enough to think that we’re all going to make it out of this alive.”

She held back a chuckle. “Dark, but okay.”

“I mean—I hope we do…I’m not saying… never mind. My point is that if something happens, I want you to know that I’ve enjoyed serving under you. It’s been an honor.”

Shepard cocked an eyebrow. “Lieutenant, as far as I’m concerned you haven’t felt the pleasure of being under me.” She stepped toward him as fire licked up his neck and his flush deepened. “What did you come here to tell me?” she whispered.

Their eyes met and any uncertainty he had when he entered the room was gone. In its place was lust—dark and dangerous. It pulsed in her blood and heated her core. “After everything that’s happened. Hell even before that, the thought of losing you…” He shook his head. “I can’t stand it.”

She took another tentative step closer to him, urging him to continue.

“The galaxy will just keep going. Even the Reapers will come around again, but my world would stop.”

With his confession, her breathing ceased. She never let anyone tell her what to do, why was she stopping now? How many hours had she spent the last few months agonizing over him and the way it would feel to have him pressed against her?

“If something happens to either of us then this might never happen.”

“What is this?” she asked so quietly she wasn’t sure he’d hear her.

“You and I. We.” He pointed a finger between the two of them. “We’re what’s important, right now.” He broke her gaze and paused. “Emilia…you make me feel…human.”

The words were like magic, lighting her up in the most intimate way. Like he was speaking to her soul. To every lonely, scared, desperate part of her. He saw her for who she was. What she was. And he wasn’t afraid, he didn’t want to change her, he wanted all of her. As is.

She licked her lips and inhaled him. “I—you…” She was getting lost in the flecks of amber in his eyes, stumbling over her words in a way that only his presence could induce.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he whispered. The sound of his voice trickled down her body until desire pooled between her legs.

They stood staring at each other like that for a few breaths. Temptation burning the air between them and sucking up all the oxygen.

“Are you going to do anything about it, Lieutenant?” she asked finally.

He answered by closing the gap and kissing her so deeply her world shattered. Letting out a whimper, she opened her mouth for him as his tongue invaded her, claiming her in a way she never thought possible.

She wanted more.

She wanted every piece of him.

Sensing her need he lifted her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist, never letting go of his mouth. He placed her on the desk and she swept the contents off. As they clattered to the ground he cringed looking at her data pad.

“It’s fine,” she said turning his attention back to her. He let it go quickly as she pulled his shirt over his head and their hands explored each other as thoroughly as their tongues. His fingers roamed over her body—through her hair, down her back, over her breasts, cupping one before squeezing it as she moaned and he tugged her lower lip through his teeth in response.

Kaidan pulled her shirt over her head and paused, marveling at the site and smiling. If she wasn’t wet already, that look on his face would do it.

“If that makes you happy, then wait until you see this,” she said as she pulled her sports bra over her head, her breasts spilling out, bouncing once before settling over the rise and fall of her chest.

His eyes glazed over, lips swollen from her kisses. “Fuck. You’re beautiful.”

She watched him carefully as he traced a finger over the scar on her shoulder and then down to the one on her abdomen where he frowned recalling the memory.

“I have more of those underneath my other clothes if you want to see,” she teased.

He let out a groan of pleasure and kissed her again before lifting her off the desk and placing her on the bed, pining her hands above her head. She could feel the length of him pressed against her thigh and she bit his lip as her need became overwhelming.

She wriggled underneath him and he chuckled. “Is there something you want, Emilia?”

She glared at him. “You know what I want.”

He pulled back. Straddling her so she could freely admire every curved muscle on his chest, his abdomen, the thick bulge in his pants. His olive skin like a Greek god, pleasure rippled through her.

“I’m not sure I do,” he taunted before sliding between her legs and undoing the button on her waistband. In one smooth gesture, he pulled her pants down and she gladly kicked them off. Making a move for his belt, he leaned out of reach and shook his head. “Not yet. Not until you ask nicely.”

She frowned, but in truth, she had never been more turned on. Had never wanted anyone more in her life. “Please,” she said giving him her best doe-eyed expression.

“Please, what?” He traced a finger down her stomach, inching closer to her center as her breathing hitched. His eyes locked onto hers as he stroked her gently and cursed when he discovered how wet she was for him.

“Fuck me,” she said, never breaking his gaze. “Please, fuck me, Kaidan.”

In a blink he was on top of her, crashing his mouth to hers. His kiss filled with months worth of desire as he rubbed himself against her and she pushed into him, craving more.

He leaned next to her ear and whispered, “No.”

Emilia groaned in agony and he laughed, moving his lips down her neck to her breasts where he sucked each of them into his mouth and watched as she closed her eyes and moaned. He continued to make his way down her body, licking her, kissing her as her hands dug into his shoulders. “If I only get to do this once, I’m going to do it right,” he murmured.

A single placed kiss over the area that burned the hottest nearly sent her into orgasm. And when he slipped her panties off, he ran a finger down the length of her and she cried out. He placed one and then two fingers inside her, never looking away from her face, and then sucked her into his mouth. The sound of his own pleasure causing her to buck into him as his tongue and fingers brought her closer and closer to the brink.

Emilia cried out his name as the world turned blue and her body lit up with dark energy. Every piece of her melted under his touch and as the pressure inside her began to spill over she stopped breathing. Pleasure crashed into her, thrashing her around in its wake. His movements slowed and then stopped as her body shuddered underneath his touch, her breathing heavy.

She opened her eyes to him standing, staring at her with a mixture of amazement and lust as he undid his belt and then dropped his pants, his boxers. She whimpered at the site of him—hard—as he stroked himself before hovering over her.

“I hope you know, you really are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

His words wiggled their way past the ruins of her carefully built walls and pierced her heart. There were so many things she wanted to tell him—that he had awoken some part of her she thought was dead, that when he looked at her she felt like she belonged somewhere for the first time in over a decade, that as long as he was near her she knew everything would be okay. But sentimentality was never her strong suit so she hoped he could see it in the way she looked up at him, the way she smiled at him, how badly she wanted all of him.

He flared his own biotics and kissed her, before plunging himself inside of her and taking her heart.

========

Even though there were fleeting moments over the last few months where he imagined this exact image—her laid out before him—expertly stroking his hand over himself to find some kind of release. It paled in comparison to how it felt to be inside her, to taste her, to hear his name escape her lips between whimpers and moans.

His head was so light and yet clear at the same time as he watched her dark energy erupt around him, finding his own to dance with—two souls running along the same rushing river.

He wanted to touch her everywhere, to learn every freckle, every scar, that made up the topography of her skin. He braced his hand in the sheets above her head, leaning into her as she begged him—harder, faster with every thrust of his hips. His other hand found the curve of her mouth, the soft outline of her lips—cool and dry on the surface, but hot and wet as his thumb parted them to open. She nipped at his fingers, a seductive smile spreading that drove him closer to the precipice. But he didn’t want it to end—ever—and if she kept looking at him like that, kept making those sounds as he pushed himself deep inside her he knew he wouldn’t last much longer.

Leaning back, he moved his arm under her, wrapping around her waist and pulling her over him so that their positions switched and she was straddling him. If he was in awe of her writhing below him, having her naked on top of him was heart-stopping. She leaned her palms into his chest and crashed down over him, eyes fluttering closed as a curse escaped his lips.

He had spent most of his life trying to manipulate gravity, but here, at this moment, it didn’t exist. The air he gulped in was cleaner, the pounding in his heart louder than ever, and every inch of him was singing in tandem with the feel of her skin against his. Suddenly it didn’t matter where they were or what they were up against. Every terrible thing that had ever happened led him to this moment—to find her—this beautiful, strong, miraculous being. His words rang true once more.

You and I. We. We ’re what matters.

He pulled himself up to claim her lips, grabbing the back of her head as he pushed himself further inside her. The kiss was aggressive, desperate as her tongue traced every inch of his mouth and she breathed, moaned into him. She pushed him back down onto the bed, her nails digging into the muscle on his chest as her breath became more ragged, her movement over him faster and less rhythmic. The way she bit her lower lip as her eyes rolled into the back of her head sent him over the edge. The clean white sheets bunched together in his grasp as the world exploded around him and she collapsed onto him, panting.

A laugh escaped her lips as his hand stroked the now damp hair out of her face, his chest rising and falling with each step he took back into reality. She rolled off of him, sweat glistening over the curves of her body.

“Better than you imagined?” she asked, her blue eyes glinting with electricity.

He nodded, still at a loss for words, and pulled her closer to him. Gently kissing her mouth, her nose, her eyelids as a smile formed on her face. “And you?” he managed to ask, his voice a quiet rasp.

The look she gave him set him on fire. She leaned in closer to his ear, nipping at it. “Out of all the times I imagined it, Lieutenant Alenko.” She kissed the soft area where his shoulder met his neck and licked the sweat off him.

Fuck.

Emilia climbed on top of him and a renewed strength passed through him as she said, “And I imagined it a lot.” The last word a whisper into his mouth as she bit his lower lip. “It was somehow even better than that.” Each word enunciated by a kiss to his neck, his chest, his abs.

The growl that came out of him had her in a fit of laughter as he pinned her underneath him and gave himself to her once more.