Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 1

“Z, do you know when the boys are coming round?” Liam’s hand hovers as he examines the rows of cheese just in front of him. Manchego, smoked gouda, camembert…whatever he picks Zayn can choose a wine to pair. Did he remember to put that on the list?

“Hm?” Zayn mumbles from his right, eyes glazed over while staring near the chevre, turning his head a fraction too late to have really been listening.

“If Niall’s coming over I’ll get a pound. He’s a hoover.” Liam grabs the cheese before even waiting for an answer, which seems to wake Zayn up from his daydream, reaching one hand into the display case, the other steadying himself on Liam’s forearm.

“Here. I want options.” Zayn adds another wedge to the trolley, moving between Liam and the display. 

“And that additional option you chose was brie? Basic.” Liam teases, eyes crinkling when he smiles. “Just get a whole wheel. We’ll do a baked brie for Waliyha when she visits on Sunday.”

“She should be the one providing food. We’re doing her a favour. You’re doing her a favour. Which, thank you by the way.” Zayn loves his sisters, but he thinks Liam lets them get away with too much sometimes, dropping anything to help them with school or work, spoiling them with thoughtful gifts at holidays. He’s their favourite brother, and he’s not even a Malik. Technically.

“It’s not a favour when it’s family.” Liam shrugs, pushing the trolley again while staring at their list. “Besides, I actually think it’ll be fun. I never get to talk about my work in the kind of digital space she holds. It’s exciting.”

“We’ve all been on H’s channel like a dozen times. Though that is mostly just us being shit at baking so he can get views. Think we’ll be doing another holiday video with the five of us this year?” Zayn’s pulling the trolley from the wrong end, waiting for Liam to follow them to the next aisle.

“Practically tradition at this point. Last year’s yule log was unmatched. Trended for almost a week. Though that may have more to do with you and H dressed in the Mean Girls Jingle Bell Rock outfits and less to do with our baking abilities.” Liam laughs to himself while putting Yorkshire in the trolley for Louis’ next visit. God forbid Louis drink another brand if they run out. They didn’t hear the end of that for a month last time.

“You were shirtless for the entire second half of the video, and before that you were only wearing an apron. Don’t come for my thirst trap when you were practically indecent.” Zayn drops his fair trade coffee in the trolley next to Liam’s coconut water. “And Niall had that little elf outfit that was basically just green pants with a matching vest and hat. Lou was the only one fully clothed and even he ended up wrecked, covered in red lipstick from H that I don’t think any of us even noticed because we were pissed off that eggnog.”

“You’re the one who drizzled caramel sauce down my chest and licked it off. On camera. And asked Niall to do a body shot off you while we waited on the cake to cool.” Liam squeezes Zayn’s hip teasingly. 

“You say that as if it’s out of the ordinary. When we start drinking it’s always going to be chaos. Even sober, if we let Louis be in charge I doubt we’ll make it through the night without ending up on the local news.” Zayn scoots past Liam to grab the spices they’re nearly out of.

“That was one time! And I’m still impressed we managed to find 18 drag queens to meet us at a footie field in Doncaster of all places with less than a day's notice. Louis really is a gay icon with that kind of power.” Liam rearranges the trolley a bit to make room for the rest of the shopping.

“I’m only mad Lou made himself the referee so he could spend the whole time taking the piss out of the rest of us trying to play in heels and full drag while he blew his little whistle and bossed us around. And he gets all the credit for the 5,000 pounds we raised for that LGBTQ+ centre just because he made a few phone calls.” Zayn huffs and crosses his arms, genuinely annoyed.

“Z, you and I both know that we are all platonically whipped for Louis and would literally drop everything to do whatever gay chaos he plans. Though I guess H is more than platonically whipped…and occasionally literally…I’m getting off topic. Why are we in the crisps aisle?” Liam looks around and grabs some water biscuits to go with the cheese he chose earlier. “Right, may as well since we wandered in here.”

Zayn’s staring at where Liam’s jumper is riding up when he reaches for the top shelf, but he looks up when Liam hands him the box to put in the trolley. “What’s left on the list? Can’t believe we’re spending a Friday night at Waitrose. When did we get old, Li?”

Liam chuckles and moves around Zayn to reach for the list again. “Looks like we still need some of the bulk stuff. Can you choose the wine, meet me at the till?”

“You and your fucking grains. I swear. I’m better with wine anyway.” Zayn detours to the wine section just as Liam’s phone rings, distracting him from definitely not staring at Zayn’s ass. God, he really loves jogger season.

“Mum! Is anything wrong?” Liam always answers his family’s calls the same way. He lets his mom fill him in about his dad, her job, etc. for a few minutes while he wanders over to the dry goods. Sounds like she’s having some drama with Susan at work. After finding what he needs from his list, he makes a detour to the sweets to grab some Freddo’s for Zayn. Those stupid little chocolate frogs make them ridiculously happy, and who is Liam to deny them that.

While his mom finishes her story about the new trick the dog learned, Zayn walks back over with a questioning look and 4 different wines. He braces himself on Liam’s elbow while placing the bottles next to the mounds of produce Liam selected earlier. Z gets Liam’s attention with a hand in the middle of his back, waiting for their eyes to meet. Liam covers the receiver and mouths “Mum” before saying, “Sorry mum, Z and I are in Waitrose…Yeah…Plenty of fresh veg I promise…Okay hold on.” He turns to Zayn with the phone out, “Here. Mum wants to say hi to her favourite kid.”

Zayn reaches a hand out and takes the phone with a wide grin. “Hey mum. Yeah, he’s been good. Proper boy scout,“ Liam raises his eyebrows in disbelief, making Zayn giggle before answering Karen. “…I’m fine. Been working a lot recently. I’ll send you the draft if you want?...Yeah we’re seeing Waliyha on Sunday. He tell you about the video?...Yeah, she’s trying to do more educational content, see how it goes over with her viewers…I know, he’ll be perfect. Such a natural when it comes to teaching. And nice of him to be her first video for the series……..Next month? What wedding?...Vera…Yeah I remember her, but it’s been a while. Whose kid is she? Geoff’s side of the family?...Oh. Yeah. I definitely remember now.” Zayn laughs and Liam is distracted enough to run the trolley into the nearest display. That laugh. God, Liam loves Zayn’s laugh. ”...Nicola and Ruth going as well?...Well, if Liam wants me there, of course.” He covers the receiver and hisses at Liam, “Another bloody wedding? How is it you never run out of cousins?”

Liam chuckles and takes the phone back. “Mum, you can’t just assume I’m bringing Zayn. What if he’s busy? Or doesn’t want to be dragged to yet another Payne family outing?” Zayn swats him on the chest. He may pretend to be annoyed, but Liam knows he loves spending time with the Paynes. Liam covers the receiver again while his mom keeps talking (mostly to herself), “Wait, are you even free that weekend? What about your book?”

“Finished by then babes. Due to the publishers in two weeks. Takes them a while to get back to me with edits so I’ll have some time off.” Zayn starts pulling them towards the exit. He’s ready to head home and cuddle on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

“Alright mum I gotta go…Yes I’ll make sure Z sends you a draft this weekend. Okay, love you too. Bye.” Liam puts his phone in his back pocket and takes over control of the trolley again. “Mum and dad are going out dancing tonight. How’s it possible my parents’ life is more exciting than mine?”

“As your flatmate and the most interesting person you know, I am personally offended. We keep things very exciting. Look, I even put two different gelatos in the trolley for crying over Schitt’s Creek with H on Tuesday. An utter romp.” Zayn’s been distractedly daydreaming about a night snuggled on the sofa with Liam and doesn’t notice himself being redirected over a few aisles. “Wait, aren’t we finally done? I want to head home.”

“We still need some carbs. We deserve it.” Liam smiles at Zayn while guiding him with a hand on his back. “I want to wake up and eat my weight in bread tomorrow. Lazy Saturday, don’t you think?”

“Never gonna argue that, babe. Just don’t tell H. Always gets mad when we eat store bought instead of asking him.” Zayn lets himself be walked towards the bakery, always happy to let Liam drag him around, especially in the direction of carbs.

After they’ve spent five minutes arguing over which baguette to get (‘Day old is better!’ ‘Not this again, it's a 30p difference.’ ‘It adds up!’) and another detour to the cut flowers (Zayn insisted it would brighten the hall), they finally reach the till to start bagging up and head home.

***

After 28 years, Zayn and Liam had spent almost half of their lives living together. When they were 16, Zayn and his family had moved in with the Paynes after his parents’ split, Trish being left at the house in Bradford while Yaser figured out what the rest of them were going to do. It had been a wonderful few months, despite everything they were going through. Zayn was able to breathe for the first time in his life, away from his mother and spending all his time with Liam and his family. He started in therapy, wrote the bulk of his first book, and began deciding what his life was going to be.

After about six months living with the Paynes, Yaser had found a new house for the family back in Bradford, but after a lengthy decision process that involved his therapist, Zayn elected to stay with the Paynes until he finished his A-levels. He still saw his dad and sisters every week, sometimes multiple times a week, but he needed the space to build himself back up and it wasn’t healthy to go back in an environment where he had experienced so much pain. It was a complicated decision, but it was the right one for Zayn, and he could not have had a better support system than the Paynes (and the other families as well, who would find any and all excuse to take care of the Maliks).

When Zayn decided not to go to University, he was worried that he and Liam would drift apart as they followed different paths. Instead, Liam gave up rugby, chose a career in academics (he decided to study queer history), and insisted they should live together since they would both be in London anyway, Niall was going to University in the states to study music, and they definitely didn’t want to live with the fiances. Harry and Louis were their favourite people in the world, but all five of them agreed it was best if they had their own space to be disgustingly in love and on top of each other.

Then Zayn thought that after Liam graduated and started at his first teaching post that he would want his own space. Apparently not. And Zayn was never going to be the one to put space between them. So they rented a modest flat down the street from the now married Harry and Louis, Niall usually staying at both flats since he was still moving around so much after quitting school and getting his golf career started. It was the first stretch of time that all five of them were living in the same city, not having to schedule holidays and trips to get together, able to just walk down the road to hang out.

Now the two of them share a flat in Hackney. Zayn has been writing professionally for a decade, first published at 17, and has no intentions of changing careers anytime soon. Liam is a professor, actively working on a detailed history of the AIDS epidemic in the London queer scene, focusing on trans and gender nonconforming members of the community. They certainly had different career paths, but anyone would be hard pressed to find a better suited intellectual pair, always sharing their work with each other and obsessing over obscure interests.

Their Hackney flat is a reflection of their personalities and passions. The front hall is always decorated for guests and changes depending on the season. There’s a tray for keys and wallets, a few pictures sat next to it, and usually a vase of flowers, or maybe a seasonal decoration if it’s around the holidays. Liam always tidies the front hallway, keeping their shoes on the mat, and Zayn does his best to keep it orderly after Liam has sorted it (but it doesn't usually last long). There’s also a lead hanging by the door for when they take care of Clifford and he needs a walk around the block.

 To the left of the entryway is the kitchen, well stocked with anything and everything for when they have visitors (usually various family members), and designated comfort items for each of the friend group. Harry always wants proper matching tea sets in various patterns, Louis can’t do shit in the kitchen but has a specific mug he always uses, and Niall has an Irish flag apron tucked away for when he pretends to help with the baking. Zayn always has exactly what he needs to make one of his dad’s recipes, and Liam has his fancy blender for his smoothies and protein shakes and green juices. He might not be an athlete anymore, but he can’t break the habits after all those years of training. 

Zayn loves spending an afternoon baking something together before the other three come over, Liam in the apron Zayn gave him when they moved into their first flat (sturdy canvas with his initials embroidered in purple), Zayn in a vintage half apron from his maternal grandmother, a forgotten recipe note still in one of the front pockets. He and his sisters each got one for Christmas the first year they were away from their mom, and it was one of the most important gifts Zayn had ever received. Wearing that apron feels like a hug from his Granny and a reminder he still belongs to the Brannans, after everything.

Liam loves those afternoons too. He would catch Zayn sneaking a taste of batter out of the corner of his eye and pretend he hadn’t. Wait until the perfect opportunity to leave a flour handprint on Zayn’s ass (it was basically tradition by this point). Occasionally Harry would join them, especially during Bake Off season, and they would try the technical challenge from that week, usually only saving their attempt thanks to Harry’s extensive knowledge. Niall and Louis avoid the kitchen at all costs, but are happy to taste test from their spots on the sofa, arguing over sports.

Past the kitchen, the main living area feels like a den, warm brown tones dominating the space, a fireplace at the centre, dark wood furniture, and blankets all around. There are bookshelves on the wall to the left from floor to ceiling (well, as high as bookshelves go), and an art wall on the right side of the sofa. They own hundreds, if not thousands of books at this point, ranging from graphic novels to vintage Wilde. Some of the art is Zayn’s, most of it from local artists, especially ones they know personally. None of it matches, but together it fits. One entire shelf of their overflowing bookcase is wholly dedicated to foreign copies of Zayn’s books, and a few signed copies for sending to fans.

Down the hall are both of their bedrooms, Liam’s on the left and Zayn’s on the right, their shared bathroom in between. Liam’s room is cosy and well organised. The walls are fawn brown, with one deep purple accent wall behind the bed. Liam makes his bed every morning, folding the lilac duvet back to reveal the ivory sheets underneath and placing  three decorative pillows in their spot before smoothing the surface. In lieu of overhead lighting, Liam prefers a lamp on each side of his room connected to a remote he keeps in his bedside drawer with his kindle. He also has a thoroughly organized and well stocked selection of sex toys, lube, and condoms for whenever the occasion arises. His wardrobe is tucked off to the side, everything folded neatly and organised by function, then by fabric. The only thing on the wall is a painting Zayn had given him when they lived in their first flat while he was still in University. Zayn never told him what it was about, but Liam thought he knew, could recognize the use of the rose hues for certain shapes and the desperation in the movement of the brush strokes. It had been for Liam to understand and no one else, and it was his most prized possession.

Zayn’s room across the hall is slightly more cluttered, but generally well organised. The walls are cream colored and covered in floating shelves, some housing books, others plants, and a few have action figures he collected over the years. The desk in the corner is one of the most used spots of the apartment. If he’s not typing his books up in bed at all hours, he’s sat at the desk writing and sending thoughts to his editor during business hours. Since he spends so much time at that desk, Liam had helped him pick out a squishy armchair big enough for him to sit cross legged when he wants. Notebooks cover practically every available surface, Zayn always having random sentences or phrases or nonsense thoughts that come to him and need to be written down somewhere just in case. Unlike Liam, Zayn only makes his bed the one time a week he does laundry and on the other days lets the ruby red duvet mingle with the rose sheets like a bouquet of warmth. Zayn’s clothes are folded and put away in the same way David Rose folds cheese into an enchilada recipe, which is to say clumsily and only because it’s vaguely necessary. His drawers contain a haphazard compilation of graphic tees, joggers, and patterned socks. All of Zayn’s proper attire lives in Liam’s wardrobe, since they’re almost the same size and can share suits and dress clothes as needed.

Spending time in their Hackney flat feels like a hug from both of them, soft surfaces and warm everything. They’ve lived together for so long that all of their spaces feel shared, even their separate bedrooms. Whenever Niall or any other family members spend the night Zayn will let them use his bed and sleeps in Liam’s room, happily cuddled up together just like when they were young, Liam the little spoon more often than not (the main exception when Zayn has nightmares and Liam crosses the hall to comfort them back to sleep). They spend most evenings snuggled together on the sofa reading or watching the telly, Liam reading Zayn to sleep when he has insomnia and Zayn reading to Liam after an extra long day of teaching. Comfort covers every inch of their flat, beginning and ending with the way each is the other’s keeper.

***

When they finally get home from the shop, Liam lets out a relieved sigh, toes his shoes off by the door, and takes Zayn’s bags so he can lock up behind them. Liam is proud of their entryway, the way it feels warm and homey, full of scarves and coats and comfort. Zayn meanders around him with a gentle squeeze to Liam’s waist, heading to the kitchen to start putting away the groceries. Both busy in their own heads, Zayn thinking through a difficult chapter that’s been bothering him all week and Liam planning out his weekend, they take their time putting away the shopping while trying to decide on dinner.

“I know we just got back, but why don’t we do a takeaway? I don’t feel like cooking, if I’m honest.” Liam comments over his shoulder while restocking the pantry. He carefully folds and tucks away their bags-for-life until next week, smiling at the tiny rainbow embroidered on their favourite one. As he stands up, Zayn embraces him from behind, hugging Liam to his chest. “When did you sneak them in the trolley? How do you always know when I need Freddos?”

Liam smiles and rubs his hands over Zayn’s forearms, leaning back into the hug. “I know you have a lot of long nights these next two weeks. You deserve a treat, and the frogs make you smile.” Zayn hums in response and kisses Liam’s shoulder, holding Liam close for another moment before stepping away.

“Takeaway sounds great. How about the Greek place down the street? Haven’t had that in ages.” Zayn puts away three of the wine bottles, holding the fourth, a Sangiovese, out to Liam. “This should go with that thing you like.”

“That thing? Dolmades? Yeah this should work. What do you want? I’ll call and order.” Liam reaches into his back pocket to retrieve his phone. He ignores the notifications from the group chat, seeing another selfie of Lou and Harry, a response from Niall that’s just a puking gif, and then another text from Niall planning brunch together the next day at his flat.

“You know what I like better than I do. Just pick something I’m sure it’ll be great.” Zayn opens the wine and pours a glass for each of them, carrying the bottle with him to go snuggle into the left corner of the sofa. Liam arranges the flowers they chose while he orders their food. It’s an entire process. Liam chooses a round, short vase made of green glass to complement the white carnations, pale pink roses, and assorted greenery. He takes the time to tape a grid, trim the flowers to the appropriate length, and artfully place each individual stem before setting the bouquet on the hall table, adding an ivory place mat underneath before joining Zayn in the living room.

Liam flops down on the sofa and lounges opposite Zayn with his feet in Zayn’s lap, taking a sip of his wine and closing his eyes. “It’s been a long week, if I’m honest. This time of year always catches up to me. The students start worrying about everything, the professors are all stressed about their research. And I have my own work to focus on. A quiet night in is perfect, as much as I was whining earlier.”

Zayn sets his wine down to start massaging Liam’s feet, slowly easing some of the tension of his week. “I know you haven’t been teaching for long, but you’re amazing at it. Your students learn more from you than just the course material and the other professors are always coming to you for advice on relating to the kids and general gay knowledge. You’re like the resident queer expert…Which I guess you are, but it’s still sort of unbelievable that your job even exists. In the best way. Wish I would’ve had a teacher like you while we were in school.”

Liam hums, eyes still closed, relaxing a bit more with each stroke of Zayn’s thumbs up his arches. “Imagine what it would’ve been like to have an out, queer teacher. No really, imagine? Think of how different my life would’ve been. All five of our lives, if we’re being honest… It’s a heavy responsibility sometimes. Feels like I’m representing an entire demographic of the population and I am thoroughly inadequate.”

“I know, babe. I feel the same with my writing.” Zayn finishes rubbing Liam’s feet, always absentmindedly in contact with him, and presses a gentle kiss to the inside of each of Liam’s ankles before laying his feet across his lap. “Readers treat me as if I’m some kind of expert, but all I know is my own story. It’s a lot of pressure when you’re treated like an authority on something so individual and personal as sexuality and gender identity.” Liam has his head leaning into the couch, watching Zayn with tired eyes while he continues. “I know they won’t tell you, so on behalf of your students I’m going to say thank you. Someday they will appreciate what it means to have you teaching what you do and being out while doing it. You could’ve done anything with your life. You’re fucking brilliant. Probably could’ve gone pro with the rugby as well. But you chose to study queer history and teach it to the next generation. That’s brave, babe. So brave. I’m always proud of you.”

Liam hums again sleepily and nudges Zayn with his toe before changing his position to place his legs on the ground and face the fireplace, taking Zayn’s hand for a moment to say, “You’ve been a good influence on me. Don’t think I would’ve taken this path without you. Seeing you get published at 17 absolutely changed my life. Especially knowing what it took for you to get there. Talk about brilliant.”

 Zayn feels warm all the way down to his toes and snuggles further into the sofa, putting his legs on Liam’s lap now while he picks up the remote. “What do you want to watch tonight? Do we want to happy cry or sad cry?”

“Why does there have to be any crying?” Liam mumbles mid yawn, one hand on Zayn’s ankle.

“Please. We’re both softies. Can’t go ten minutes into a film without the water works.” Zayn gives up quickly and hands the remote to Liam. He’s scrolling through the Netflix homepage when he hears Zayn’s phone start vibrating. “It’s Lou. Must be mad we didn’t answer that picture as if they don’t send three of those a day…Alright, Lou?” Zayn answers after only two rings.

“Tell him we need to know what time we’re meeting tomorrow. I wanna sleep in.” Liam sets down the remote, having given up on finding something to watch. He shifts Zayn’s legs off his lap onto the sofa and walks over to the bookshelf to start searching through their options.

“Lou, if Harry was gonna talk over you the whole time, why didn’t he just call me…Just put me on speaker…Now you’re muted. Lou you’re too young to be this bad with your phone…Can you both hear me now? Jesus.” Zayn sounds exasperated, but he’s smiling wide. He tucks the phone into his shoulder and reaches out to light the candle in the middle of the coffee table, filling the room with the scent of (apparently) coconut daydreams. Liam laughs softly from where’s stood in front of the bookshelf, listening to Zayn and Louis squabble for another minute and smiling fondly to himself.

“No, we’ll be busy that weekend. Some Payne cousin is getting married. Karen just told me…Of course I’m going, who else would Liam bring?...Don’t you think you both would know if he was dating someone? We practically live in each other’s assholes, I swear…Wait, you think Niall’s going to the same wedding?”

At that Liam turns around, abandoning his search, surprise evident on his face. “Put them on speaker. I only know one reason Niall would be going. Oh this is going to be amazing. Fuck I love being right!”

“Lads, I'm putting you on speaker. Li is wetting himself. I think he has gossip…Okay Liam, share with the class.” Zayn sets his phone down on the coffee table and turns to face Liam, chin is his hand while he waits for Liam to answer.

Liam looks ecstatic, happier than he has any right to be if Zayn’s being honest. ”Guess who my cousin is marrying. No, guess.”

“Payno, I’m fucking tired, mate. Just tell me whatever the fuck you’re dying to say so we can harass Niall about it tomorrow.” Lou’s voice is all sass, even through the shitty speaker.

Zayn just looks up at Liam, motioning for him to continue. Liam spaces out for a moment, getting lost in the way Zayn’s eyes are reflecting the candlelight before hearing Louis grumble through the speaker again and remembering what he was talking about.

“Right, well remember how I said there would be a group of Canadians from her fiancé's family at the wedding? And who do we all know that’s Canadian with an English mum, and who’s completely in love with Niall?” Liam says with a smile that sparkles in his eyes.

“Fuck, no way? Fucking finally! Do you think…wait no, he and Shawn just got back from that holiday. Oh my god, this is why he made plans for us to meet tomorrow! Niall never makes the fucking plans. Should’ve known. FUCK.” Louis is clearly losing it on the other end of the phone. Harry can barely be heard in the background, trying to contribute to the conversation with a gentle, “Lou be nice. This is gonna be hard for Niall.”

Zayn’s just sitting there staring at Liam, mesmerised. After a moment he catches himself and looks away, focusing back on the call to agree with Harry. “H is right. We all have to act surprised when Niall tells us about Shawn tomorrow. This is a big fucking deal. We all know the hell he went through getting over Vicky.”

Liam takes over the conversation again, “Okay now I’m glad we figured it out tonight because clearly Lou needs several hours to get this out of his system. Harry, I usually don’t bring this up because ugh but please distract him until tomorrow so he doesn’t do something fucking stupid like call Niall right now.”

The buzzer goes off, and Liam automatically starts walking to the door. “Lads, food is here. We’ll see you tomorrow. I’m sleeping in so Harry you can fuck off with your suggestion of 8am brunch. You’re welcome Louis. Love you both.”

“Love you two. See you tomorrow.” Zayn says before ending the call, smiling down at his hands for a moment before looking back at Liam over the sofa and standing up to grab what they need from the kitchen.

“I swear you have like a sixth sense or something. How do you always know? You were the first to know about Lou and Harry too, even before they did and we were only about 13.” Zayn starts getting out cutlery and plates for their takeaway and clears a spot on the coffee table, shifting the candle to the side and out of the way.

Liam pays the delivery driver and grins at Zayn while he walks back into the flat with the food. Zayn doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything so beautiful. “I think I’m just good at reading people. I pay attention to the small things. Like Safaa’s obsession with foreign films and your rants about the price of your Freddos.” Liam says while settling back into his side of the sofa.

“You turned off Netflix and gave up on your book search. What are we gonna do, watch each other eat?” Zayn grumbles, waiting for Liam to decide so they can start in on their dinner.

“I could make a rude joke right now, but I won’t. I figured we’d just watch Branagh’s Hamlet. We won’t cry and we can stop it whenever to head to sleep.” Liam says as if it’s obvious. Which, with them it is.

Zayn stares for a moment before, “God I fucking love you, you know that? We should just get married already.”

“We already kinda are, Z. Ask literally anyone who knows us.” Liam smiles to himself, while finishing distributing the food on both their plates. He feels warm, not sure if what he’s thinking is reckless optimism.

“Yeah but we aren’t shagging, and if we were married I would expect to be getting railed at least twice a day.” Zayn says with a completely straight face. He’s not even remotely joking.

Liam nearly chokes but manages to answer, “You’re a menace. Take your plate. If you hate it, there’s still leftovers from when H was here yesterday. Thank god we have a cheffy friend or we’d both starve.” And if Liam files away that piece of information for later? At this point he should just be taking notes.

Zayn finally starts eating, moaning around his first bite as if he hasn’t eaten in weeks. “You’re ordering for me from now on. This is so much better than what I was gonna get…Turn on the fucking film Payne. We aren’t getting any younger.”

“Right, sorry. I just like watching you eat. Not like…you know what I mean. You enter another dimension or something. It’s distracting.” Liam presses play while picking up his own plate and relaxing into their comfortable quiet. 

***

They finish eating dinner in silence, always easily distracted by this adaptation. They first watched it together on the sofa at the Paynes when they were about 15, the other three boys having no interest and skiving off to play footie outside while Zayn and Liam were engrossed, obsessed with the choices made ranging from the costuming to the cinematography. If they weren’t busy eating right now, they would both have their favourite copies of the play in front of them so they could follow along. As Rosencrantz and Guildenstern greet Hamlet, Zayn pauses the film and clears their plates, leaving the leftovers in the fridge. Liam retrieves an old copy of Hamlet from the bookshelf, one with annotations from both of them, and even a few from H. He refills both of their wine glasses, finishing off the bottle before rinsing it and placing it in the recycling, and grabs the plum coloured blanket that Harry crocheted for their flat when they moved in a few years ago.

When Zayn comes back to the sofa he lays between Liam’s legs with his back on Liam’s chest, settling in to read along and pulling the blanket across their legs. Liam reaches his arms around Zayn, holding the book open on his lap so they can both read the verses. Zayn turns the pages as they go, brushing Liam’s hands each time he does, and they both feel a little tingle in their fingertips with each new page. The third time he brushes Liam’s hand, Zayn keeps his fingertips there, tracing Liam’s hand tattoos as if he were redrawing them, marking each petal in his memory. Liam feels like his hand is on fire, as if Zayn really is inking the roses into his hand again, hyper aware of how gentle Zayn’s touch is. It feels like a blessing, and he knows that Zayn knows it’s for them. He never explained the tattoo and he never had to. Zayn lays his hand on top of Liam’s after that, occasionally tracing Liam’s fingers with his own as if it's a habit.

It’s a measure of how exhausted they both are from the past week that they only make it through the end of Act 3 before Zayn is fully asleep and Liam is drifting off too. Liam would rather just let them both sleep, Zayn warm on his chest, but he wakes Zayn with a hand through his hair, brushing strands off his forehead where they’ve fallen to cover his eyes, those beautiful golden brown eyes. “Come on, Z. Bedtime. We can’t sleep on the couch.”

Zayn squints against the light from the telly and buries his face in Liam’s chest. “Christ, did I fall asleep already? I really wanted to see Yorick tonight.” Zayn nuzzles further into Liam’s chest for a moment before he stretches and starts to get up from the sofa, careful not to elbow any important parts of Liam. Liam steadies Zayn at the waist from where he’s still seated, waiting for Zayn to move out of his space so he can turn off the telly and put away their wine glasses.

Zayn stumbles drowsily down the hall to his bedroom with one hand on the wall and Liam calls after him, “Go brush your teeth and put on actual pjs. You’ll thank me in the morning.”

“Yes, mother.” Zayn mumbles while flipping Liam off over his shoulder and ignoring his advice completely.

Liam just laughs softly and heads to his own room for the night, changing into a soft tee and black pants before washing his face and moisturising. He goes to say goodnight to Zayn and finds them face down on their bed, still in their track bottoms and with the overhead light on. “Well this won’t do.” Liam says quietly, then, “I’m taking off your joggers at the very least. And I know you’re still awake, so at least nod.” Zayn grunts and nods, letting Liam pull his joggers off, shifting his hips to help the process along. Liam pulls the covers over Zayn, presses a kiss to his temple, and turns off the light while he backs out of the room.

After Liam leaves, Zayn rolls over on his back, fond smile firmly in place. The feeling of Liam tucking him in carries him off to sleep. 

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 2

The next few weeks pass by in a rush of activity. Zayn spends every waking moment finishing his next book, cans of red bull and chocolate frog wrappers littering his desk. Liam spends any time he can find outside the classroom interviewing survivors of the AIDS epidemic for his research. They still see at least one of the group almost every day because after almost three decades it’s automatic. Harry brings by whatever leftovers he has from his blog (and he might make a few extra meals to put in their freezer just in case). Louis goes with Liam on some of his interviews because sometimes Liam gets a bit overwhelmed and needs the support. Niall had to go back to the states for a tournament, but he got to see Shawn, and when he got back he dropped by their flat for dinner to watch Lou’s team with the rest of the group.

By the time the weekend of the wedding comes around, it’s Thursday night, Zayn and Liam have their schedules cleared through to Tuesday, and all that’s left to do is pick up the dry cleaning and finish packing for the trip. They’ll be staying at Liam’s parent’s place in Wolverhampton where they have semi-permanent use of the loft. None of the group ever needs a hotel if they’re anywhere near one of their families. Anne will never let Niall forget the time he booked a hotel for his tournament near Holmes Chapel.

Liam’s stuck at work for now, but Zayn decides it might be time to finally start packing what he needs for their trip, seeing as they leave in the morning. While he stares in his wardrobe, not actually accomplishing anything, he feels his phone vibrate in his front pocket.

“Alright, H?” Zayn answers, still staring at their jumpers as if they will begin to fold and pack themselves. “Yeah, Li’s still at work. Won’t be home for a bit…Course you can come over just let yourself in. I’m pretending to pack. Bring the child.”

Fifteen minutes later Zayn hears the front door open and a scuttle of paws on hardwood. “Is that my nephew I hear?” Zayn gets up from the couch, setting aside the Marlowe he was reading so that Clifford can jump all over him. “Did you have a good walk over here? Look at you in your little sweater.” Zayn lavishes Clifford with attention a bit longer before standing up to greet H, who’s already in the kitchen fussing around.

“I’m making tea.” Harry says it as a given, which Zayn guesses it is. “We’re gonna need it.”

Zayn pulls H into a hug, arms tight around his back. “Knew something was up when you checked Liam wasn’t home. Make us some tea, I’ll go cuddle Clifford on the sofa.” He lets Harry go with a quick hair tussle and walks back towards the living room where Clifford is happily chewing on a rope from his designated toy bin that they keep tucked next to the bookshelf.

“Cliff, come.” Zayn pats the spot next to him on the sofa and Clifford climbs up immediately, laying his head on Zayn’s lap, sprawling out to take up all the remaining space. “Your son acts like he hasn’t seen me in a month when I was just round yours yesterday. The drama!”

“He gets it from his father.” Harry is putting the tray together, proper tea sets laid with matching teaspoons and milk and sugar. Pouring the now boiling water into the pot and placing the tea cosy on top Harry adds, “I told Lou the other day that football is as much performance as it is sport and he got mad and stomped his foot. Like actually huffed and stomped like a cartoon cat. I couldn’t have made that up if I tried.”

“You’re the one who married Twinkerbell. Would have thought the tantrums were pretty routine by now.” Zayn laughs and texts a selfie with Clifford to the group chat.

“I was lured in by the cake. You can hardly blame me.” H walks over to join them on the sofa, placing the tea tray down on the coffee table. “So…”

“So.” Zayn pets Clifford, waiting for Harry to start talking. He has a feeling but doesn’t want to steer the conversation.

“I have gender questions for you.” Harry is sitting cross legged at the end of the sofa with a determined look.

“Straight into it then. Right.” Zayn shifts to face Harry a bit more, making sure he knows he has Zayn’s full attention. “Well I’m an open book, H. What do you want to know?”

“I’m trying to figure some things out. Was wondering if you could talk me through how you processed everything. Cuz like, you came out as genderqueer while we were still teens and just like you seem so completely sure and always have.”

“If it appeared like certainty on the outside, then my acting skills are better than I thought.” Zayn chuckles but it’s mostly at himself. “Had a hell of a time figuring things out, it just wasn’t near as dramatic as everything around coming out as bi.”

“I guess I’m wondering like how you realized you weren’t cis and like how you figured out what identity felt right.” H pets Clifford, gaining comfort from his solid warm fluff.

“Well, I had my sexuality sorted pretty early. Probably around 9? We all came out pretty young, but that’s to be expected given…everything. Even though I didn’t like say it out loud until I was older, I knew when we were still kids.” 

“Yeah, I remember. None of us ever really had to come out to each other. Just started snogging each other when we felt like it. And other people. God, we were horny little teenagers.”

“We were. But we’re all fit, so makes sense.” Zayn pours tea for both of them, adding a sugar to his own and a dash of milk to both cups. “Anyway, it was a few years later that I started to figure out the gender part.”

H takes his tea from Z, nodding along while Z talks.

“I think for me, and this is different for everyone, but I actually knew my pronouns first. So like I knew that I was comfortable with he/they but didn’t know what that meant. D’you remember when I had you all start using both?”

“Yeah. Probably around 16? It was so long ago, but it wasn’t like a big deal with any of us so it wasn’t that memorable.” H takes a sip of his tea, still giving Zayn his most intense eye contact. It’s something you get used to being close to Harry, this gaze that stares into your soul.

“Right, some gaming night at the Tomlinson’s I think. Anyway. At that point I was living with the Paynes and sorting through all the trauma with my mom, lots of therapy, lots of books and films to help me process. Lots of writing. And through all of that, there were a lot of things that helped me figure it out. Because at that point I knew I wasn’t a cisgender man.” Zayn takes a pause to drink his tea and give Clifford a head pat where he’s still snuggled up between them. “But I also knew that I wasn’t a trans woman. So that was actually probably the most confusing part cuz like if you’re taught about trans identities at all you only learn about the binary.”

“Definitely. That’s where I always get stuck. Cuz like, I still feel like a man, but not always? And it’s not the same everyday. But anyway, keep going. This is helping.” Harry shifts further into the couch, getting more comfortable.

“What got me there was actually the anti-racism work I was reading. Once I understood that the gender and sexuality binaries are a direct product of colonialism and white supremacy, the fog started to pull away…I realised what I was feeling wasn’t just who I was, but who most people are on some level. And that fighting against that identity would be playing into a coloniser mentality.” Zayn pours himself another cup of tea while he continues. “I still identify as a man, but there’s more to me than that. It’s like I’m a man, but I’m also a person, existing in androgyny and occasionally on the feminine side of gender. Like a man plus other presentations. And genderqueer seemed to fit that best, at least for me. And that has always been true. But no one ever told us that was even a possibility, otherwise I think I would’ve figured that bit out before my sexuality, if I’m honest.”

Harry stares for a few moments before saying with complete sincerity, “You have the wisdom of Uncle Iroh.”

Zayn laughs a full body laugh, setting his tea back down so it doesn’t spill. “That might be the best compliment I’ve ever received, H.”

“I meant it…I think I have a lot of reading and self-reflection to do. There’s things I know about myself that definitely aren’t cis, but I’m still not quite sure in what direction. Can you send me some book recommendations? Besides your own. Read those like a dozen times each, obviously.”

“I would never recommend my own books. There are far smarter and more eloquent writers who tackle this sort of stuff. I just write my queer little stories and hope they resonate with a few people.” Zayn shifts on the couch to pull Harry closer into a hug over Clifford, rubbing his back soothingly. “You don’t have to have all of the answers right now, or ever. Who you are doesn’t change when you figure out a label, just how you explain it to other people.”

Harry hugs Zayn back, careful to leave room for Cliff in the middle of their cuddle sandwich. “Don’t tell anyone about this yet? I just want some more time to figure it out. Obviously Lou knows I’m dealing with some gender stuff, but he’s never questioned his gender identity so there’s some things I just need to do on my own. He’s giving me space to figure it out.”

“You picked a good one. I can give him that. I’ve never known anyone as supportive as Louis. He will have your back and love you to the depths of your soul until his last breath. I hope you aren’t worried or doubting that.” Harry shrugs in Zayn’s arms, clearly having worried about it. “None of that, H. Louis knows who you are, even if you don’t have the word for it yet, or an easy way to explain it. You two love each other in a way that could never be broken, especially not by something that isn’t wrong. And who you are isn’t wrong, H. I need you to hear that.” Zayn pulls back to look at Harry full on. “There is nothing wrong with you. Alright?”

Harry nods, tears in his eyes, but a small smile on his face. “Thanks, Z. I know that rationally, but it still helps to have the reminder sometimes.”

Zayn gives Harry a forehead kiss before pulling him back into a hug. “You want to keep talking about it or just kinda sit and let your dog use us as a pillow while we watch Drag Race?”

“The second option. Only one episode though, we both have shit to do.” Harry settles back into the corner of the sofa, getting comfortable again.

“Perfect. Just remember to take your time, H, and give yourself grace. I’m here if you need me.” Zayn picks up his tea again and hands the remote to Harry. “Let’s watch a Katya episode. You pick which one.”

***

Harry leaves about an hour later, catching up for a few minutes with Liam when he gets home and before he and Clifford start the short walk back to theirs. While Harry and Liam discuss the plans for Louis’ game this weekend, Zayn goes back to his room and stares at the assembled pile of clothing in the middle of his bed. He is now regretting how he left his packing til the night before the trip, while Liam has had everything except his suit packed since the previous weekend.

“Just put your things in with mine, Z. It’ll make the train easier and we’re sharing the loft anyway.” Liam says, walking through Zayn’s doorway while handing over his own meticulously packed suitcase. He cringes while watching Zayn “fold” their things for the weekend.

“Fine. But don’t complain when I make a mess of it. Can’t be fussed with your bloody ‘system’ for the weekend.” Zayn says over his shoulder while looking through his shoes. “Who the fuck folds their pants, Li? Or socks?”

“People who don’t want to be panic packing the night before a trip, that’s who.”

Zayn shoves an unfolded pair of joggers right in the middle of the suitcase while maintaining unblinking eye contact with Liam who seems completely unfazed, though he does spend a moment longer than necessary staring back. Liam turns around and leaves Zayn to put his things in with Liam’s, knowing he’ll re-do it later anyway.

“I’m headed to pick up the dry cleaning. Your suit under my name again?” Liam moves towards the hallway to grab his keys and a scarf before he heads out.

“Course. I never remember to pick it up anyway, babe. That’s your job.” Zayn has fully given up on packing now and wanders to the kitchen instead. “I’ll start dinner while you’re out. One of my dad’s recipes?”

“Always. Tone down the heat tonight though. We have the train early tomorrow and I don’t wanna be struggling.” Liam heads out with a smirk over his shoulder. He knows Zayn will make it extra hot now just to fuck with him.

***

Z: /picture of Biryani simmering/

Z: Still my favourite.

Yaser: Always has been :)

Z: Liam told me to tone down the spice.

Yaser: Absolutely not. He’ll adjust.

Z: I think I’ll add extra. See if he complains.

Yaser: He’s too nice to say anything. Do it.

Z: Nah. I’ll play nice. We have Vera’s wedding this weekend.

Yaser: Karen told me. Send me a few pictures :)

Z: Course. Love you.

Yaser: Love you. Always.

Yaser: You’re my favourite, but don’t tell your sisters.

Z: Liam’s your favourite.

Yaser: Who told you?

Z: /eye roll emoji/

***

Liam returns about a half an hour later with their suits, a bouquet of peonies and lavender blossoms, and a bottle of wine. “I grabbed a Riesling. Biryani, right?” Liam says as he walks back in the flat, hearing Lil Nas playing through the Alexa.

“Yeah. Always, if I have the time. Flowers for your mum?” Zayn checks on the rice then takes the Riesling from Liam to chill it in the fridge, giving him a grateful kiss on the cheek. He hates running errands.

“Yeah, thought I’d be a good kid this trip. Bring her something nice.” Liam goes to pack their suits with the rest of their things.

“You’re already bringing me. But I guess the flowers will be a bonus.” Zayn calls out as he sets the dish to simmer. He leaves the kitchen to finish packing, but when he looks in his bedroom he finds Liam with the suitcase open on the bed, packing for him. Zayn walks over to where Liam stands, having started reorganising what little Zayn did manage to shove in there already. Zayn lays his hand on Liam’s, stopping him from picking up the purple jumper. “Li, you know I can do that myself. Go relax or sum.”

“Nah, you finish dinner, I’ll make sure we’ve got what we need for the trip. My family and all that.” Liam gently removes Zayn’s hand and starts refolding again. Zayn moves the hand Liam shifted off to Liam’s neck to give it a gentle squeeze, then trails it down his back before stepping away to go back to the kitchen.

“Our family, if you would only ask, babe.”

Liam snaps his head around to look at Zayn, but Zayn’s already walking back to the kitchen, leaving Liam to think that over while he ostensibly finishes packing their suitcase. He refolds everything three times without noticing, mind elsewhere. Liam opens his phone and scrolls for a few minutes then walks over to Zayn’s wardrobe and picks out a few more things to add. Just in case.

***

Liam’s yawning incessantly the next morning once they’re settled on the train in a row to themselves near the end of the carriage. Zayn’s happily in the window seat with Liam cuddled into his side, sleepy and quiet. Liam’s hands are wrapped around his thermos and he looks soft, wrapped up in his scarf and long coat. Zayn smiles, putting one arm around Liam’s shoulders and guiding his head to rest on his shoulder. He runs his fingers through Liam’s hair and mutters into the top of his head, “I know it’s an early start, but you went to bed early last night so really I should be using you as a pillow and not the other way around, babe.”

“Didn’t get much sleep, if I’m honest. Couldn’t get my brain to shut off.” Liam keeps his head on Zayn’s shoulder and rests his hand comfortably on Zayn’s knee. “Just one of those nights I suppose. Might take a quick nap if that’s alright.”

“Yeah, course. I planned to do some writing anyway… Lots of inspiration lately.” Zayn adds, though he thinks Liam’s already started to drift off. He leaves Liam’s hand on his knee, but takes the thermos and places it safely in his own lap. Zayn resettles a bit once he has his journal out, writing steadily with occasional glances down at Liam asleep at his side. When Liam nestles closer after a jostle from the moving train, Zayn kisses the top of his head, resting his face in Liam’s hair for a moment and breathing in before going back to writing.

***

Liam wakes an hour before they get to the Wolverhampton station. Zayn closes his journal and shifts to help Liam readjust to the world of the living. “Look who’s back. You were dead to the world, Li.”

Talking around a yawn, Liam stretches his arms above his head, “You make a great pillow. I always sleep best when you’re here.”

“That so?” Zayn is smirking, but his eyes are warm. He hands Liam back his thermos and makes to get up. “I need the loo. Move, or I’ll wee on you.”

“I’ll come with you. Good to stretch our legs a bit before we get there.” Liam says as he stands and starts down the aisle, still a bit groggy from his nap. Zayn walks behind him, a hand on Liam’s lower back guiding him in the right direction.

They’re back to their seats in under a minute and Liam pulls out his copy of The Anthropocene Reviewed . It’s heavily annotated, and he’s been reading sections to Zayn for the past few weeks. They both love John’s writing, and they’re in full agreement that this is the book he will be remembered for. It’s a perfect encapsulation of the inherent worth of humanity, while fully acknowledging the inevitable damage the species has done. They both find it incredibly comforting, the way John examines the world and his place in it.

Just as Liam’s found his spot from last night, Zayn’s phone rings. “Alright Doniya? Yeah we’re on the train now…staying at the Payne’s in our loft…wedding’s tomorrow morning but we’re staying til Monday…Did Niall call you yet?” Zayn chats with his sister while Liam reads about Canada geese and whispering.

Zayn ends the call several minutes later and turns to Liam, “Doniya says hello.” He looks down at Liam’s lap where the book is still open in his hand. “Read to me? Quiet though. Not everyone can appreciate John’s writing before noon.”

Liam hums in agreement then starts reading softly, “What are we to do about the cliched beauty of an ostentatious sunset? Should we cut it with menace…” Zayn looks out the window at the passing countryside and puts his legs across Liam’s lap for the rest of the ride. When Liam starts running his hand up and down Zayn’s calf, Zayn’s whole chest feels warm, like he’s being lit from the inside. 

***

Z: /video of Liam reading/

H: looks cosy <3

Z: It is. Very.

Louis: /side eye gif/

Niall: whipped

Z: /shrug emoji/

H: Pretty sure that I’m the only one getting whipped

Louis: Harold.

Niall: Not like it’s news, Lou

Z: Maybe H isn’t the only one…

Louis: EXCUSE ME

H: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Z: Calm your tits. Nothing new…yet.

Niall: I looked away from the phone for one minute

Louis: Would love to hear Payno’s thoughts on this

H: Louis no

Z: He’s busy. Reading.

Niall: And you’re busy doing kegels?

Z: Might be.

Louis: If I speak I will get yelled at.

H: You’re at work. Go focus on work, Lou.

Louis: Fine. But tell me if something happens.

Z: No.

Louis: Zayn if you don’t

H: I’ll tell you, obviously

Louis: Love you

H: Love you

Niall: Shawn says hi

Z: Liam says hi

Z: /picture of Liam’s hand on Zayn’s leg/

H: Clifford says hi

H: Wait

H: WHY IS NO ONE ELSE HERE RIGHT NOW

H: Zayn?

Z: Talk later, H.

Z: :) :) :)

***

When they finally arrive, Zayn sits up and they both stretch for a moment, readjusting to the world outside the pages before the train comes to a stop. Liam retrieves their suitcase while Zayn gathers their coats and scarves, making their way out onto the platform and blinking at the surprisingly bright sun. Liam glances around for a moment before saying, “Was thinking we could walk. It’s nice out today and it’s only a short ways away. Like 20 minutes.”

“Sounds perfect.” Zayn answers, while wrapping Liam’s scarf around his own neck. “What, I like yours better. You can have mine if you’re cold.”

“No, I’m fine actually. Looks good on you.” Liam admits with a tug on the scarf and a fond smile before starting down the road. They fall into step while discussing what Liam read on the train. Sharing thoughts about what they were reading (and writing) was as natural as breathing to them. 

“I love the Harvey chapter. ‘Hope is a prerequisite to my survival,’ I think he said? Wish my writing was that vulnerable.” Zayn adds offhandedly.

Liam stops walking and grabs Zayn’s hand, waiting for them to look at him, “Your writing is beautiful, Z. I wouldn’t want you to write like anyone else.” With a short squeeze he lets go of Zayn’s hand and keeps walking. Zayn beams at Liam before grabbing his hand again and lacing their fingers together. Liam looks at him with a question in his eyes. Zayn just shrugs, kisses Liam’s knuckles, and keeps walking with their hands connected. “Come on, your mum is waiting. And more importantly, Milo is waiting.”

***

They’ve barely opened the door when they hear Milo tearing through the house, racing to greet them in the entryway. Milo jumps on Zayn immediately, his whole body wagging. Zayn kneels down to be at Milo’s level and talks to him in his baby voice while scratching him behind the ears. “Have you been a good dog for your parents? You been good? Are you so happy to see me? I missed you. Yes I did!”

“How is it possible that Zayn is everyone’s favourite and he’s not even a Payne?” Liam says in exasperation to his mom who’s just appeared around the corner. “Technically.” Zayn adds, not taking his attention from Milo for one second. Liam sets down the flowers they brought on the hall table, stepping around Zayn and Milo’s interaction to do so.

“Z will always be my favourite, you know that. And Milo’s got good taste. Can’t blame him for wanting to jump on Zayn at any opportunity.” Karen says as she moves forward to embrace Liam. They hug for a minute while Zayn continues to fawn over Milo who’s now rolled over on his back, legs in the air, begging for tummy rubs. After Milo is calmed down, sated from all the attention, Zayn stands and gives Karen a tight hug, mumbling near her ear, “So good to see you, mum.” Karen hugs him back just as tight saying, “Glad you came. Been too long since we’ve had a proper visit. Missed you.” Zayn nods as he lets her go and steps out of her space.

“I’ll take our stuff up to the loft, Z.” Liam says as he starts up the stairs. He and Zayn hold eye contact for a second too long and he trips on a step, laughing before turning to walk properly, unable to keep a smile from taking over.

Karen steers Zayn into the kitchen and puts the kettle on, arranging the flowers in a vase while they wait for the water to boil. Zayn smiles when he notices it’s the exact same way Liam displays flowers for their flat, patiently trimming and taping and floofing until it’s just right. He smiles even wider remembering that Liam’s the one who learned first and must have spent an afternoon or two giving his mom lessons. Always the professor.

“I think the best perk of being your mum is reading your books early. Your new book is incredible, love. We’ll talk about it later, but don’t think I didn’t pick up on that, dear. I recognize my son even in a fictional world with a new name.” Karen says with her back turned.

Zayn seems unbothered though. “Still waiting for him to notice. Thought I made it dead obvious. Well…I think he does know, just hasn’t decided what to do about it.”

“That kid of mine can be painfully unaware when he wants to be. And sometimes overly cautious. Give it a bit more time. You know I’m happy to have you here for any reason. Always.” Karen says while getting their mugs out as the kettle whistles.

“Being in this kitchen always reminds me of you and my dad working out those recipes together when we lived here. Without you he never would’ve bothered with half that shit. And Geoff was always running to the shops when you lot ran out of some random thing. All the wine Anne and Jay brought didn’t hurt either. Can’t say I remember Maura doing much besides taste testing. Guess that’s where Niall gets it from,” Zayn reminiscences while staring at his hands on the counter.

“I’ll never forget the night we’d already burnt the daal twice but he said we had to try again because he had to prove he didn’t need Trish’s help with cooking or anything else. After that, it became revenge cooking. Always motivating.” Karen remembers with a twinkle in her eye. “Having Yaser and you kids here for a few months were the best times. And of course keeping you around even longer until Liam whisked you off to London with him.”

“Wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else, mum.” Zayn replies through his smile. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to properly thank this family for all they’ve done for him.

“When are the girls getting here?” Liam asks as he joins them in the kitchen, taking the seat next to Zayn who turns and gives him a bright smile when Liam places a momentary hand on his lower back before letting it drop back to his own side.

“Tonight, hopefully. Your dad will get them from the station on his way home from work. Just Nicola and Ruth this time. Leaving the husbands at home this round. Don’t think they mind though. The extended Payne family can be a bit much.” Karen sets the tea aside to steep and leans on the counter, focusing on her son. “Speaking of: Liam, have you read Zayn’s new book? I’ve read it three times already. So proud of you, Zayn.” Karen beams at Zayn before turning her attention back to her son. Subtlety is not one of Karen’s talents.

“Yeah, of course. It’s amazing. Best they’ve written.” Liam reaches over and squeezes Zayn’s knee. “Can’t wait for everyone else to read it. Sometimes I wish you used your name though. You deserve the credit.”

“You know I don’t want name recognition. Not my thing. I just want to share my work and chill at home. With you.” Zayn sets his hand on Liam’s where it’s still on his leg, giving it a gentle squeeze before settling it on his thigh, keeping it in place with gentle pressure and a thumb tucked into Liam’s palm.

“What are you two going to do the rest of the day? It’ll be a few hours before the rest of the family gets here. I’ll be sorting things around the house for a while, might be in and out this afternoon.” If Karen notices the hand holding, she’s smart enough to keep it to herself until she can gossip about it with her husband later.

“Think we’ll walk Milo later, maybe get some work done. What do you think, Z?” Liam takes his mug from his mum, blowing on it gently before taking a sip.

“Yeah, I want to finish drafting the section I was working on earlier, then we should take Milo round the neighbourhood. Beautiful weather today, somehow. Mind if we take our tea up to the loft, mum?”  Zayn makes to get up from his spot at the counter while Liam walks to the fridge to grab a snack for them both.

“No, you two relax upstairs. Just let me know if you need anything.” Karen glances knowingly at Zayn while they head toward the stairs, Zayn winking at her over his shoulder.

***

The afternoon passes in comfortable silence. Liam finishes his nap and reads a few more chapters to himself while Zayn works on whatever he was writing earlier on the train, both of them laid out on the bed, Liam cuddled into Zayn’s side while they rest against the backboard and use a lap desk to steady their notebook. After a few hours they decide they need a break and take Milo for a walk before the rest of the family returns. Once they’re out of the house Milo runs ahead, chasing anything that moves and bounding back occasionally for attention and praise. Zayn and Liam wave at the neighbours they know, and reminisce about the ones that moved, taking their time wandering the neighbourhood.

“I miss the Wilsons. They were always great to have around.” Liam says, glancing at a house a few down from his parents’. “And they were Milo’s favourite dog sitters by a wide margin.”

“You hear from them lately? I think I have them on instagram, but none of them post very often.” Zayn laughs when Milo barks at a tree. He’s not entirely sure there’s even an animal at the end of that attention.

“Milo! Come here…good boy. Good dog.” Liam gives Milo a quick head scratch as a reward for good listening. “He’s such a handful. Good dog, but a whole personality hiding behind his training.”

“He’s his parent’s kid. No doubt about it.” Zayn watches Milo run ahead again, this time to investigate a hedge. “Why don’t we have a dog, Li?”

“We used to travel too much. Now…well.” Liam doesn’t finish the thought aloud. There’s a lot that would need to happen for a dog to enter their life. A dog together would mean a commitment to…more. “Do you…?”

“I want a dog, Liam. I’d take Milo if I didn’t love your parents too much to steal him away.” Zayn dodges the conversation they’re avoiding with the joke, but he won’t lie about being ready for a dog. And for all that would mean. It’s just not the time for that conversation right now.

Zayn points at a small brown house on the corner while they keep walking. “Definitely don’t miss Mr. Davis. Unpleasant, to say the least. I’ll never forget the first time he called me a poof. I thought you were gonna kill him, Li.”

“He would’ve deserved it. After everything you’d been through...I’m lucky dad overheard and handled it. I wasn’t used to hearing it back then. I didn’t use to handle it very well.” Liam kicks the ground with his hands in his pockets. “That was when I was still in rugby, too. Could’ve really hurt him.”

“Wish we didn’t have to be used to hearing it now.” Zayn admits so quietly that Liam almost misses it. Liam reaches his arms out and folds him into a hug with one hand on the back of Zayn’s head and whispers in his ear, “I’d still hit him. Even now, all grown up. I know I shouldn’t and whatever but I don’t really care. Be worth it to keep you safe.”

“Don’t go getting arrested on my behalf, Li. He’s not worth it…But thank you. For then and for every time since.” Zayn breathes Liam in and bunches his jumper in his hands. He lets out a huge sigh and feels Liam’s shoulders relax in response.

“I know. I wouldn’t. But I’d want to.” Liam sounds so serious it makes Zayn smile. He’s so protective, but he could never actually hurt someone. Zayn feels so safe with Liam, always. They don't break their hug until Milo starts jumping on them, jealous for the attention, and they walk a bit closer together after that, hands occasionally brushing where they swing at their sides.

***

Z: Remember that time you heard Mr. Davis call me a slur?

Lou: that little rat? 

Lou: yeah why?

Z: No reason, we’re just walking past his house.

Lou: wonder how long it took him to stop itching.

Z: Probably as long as it took him to figure out what you did.

Lou: so…he’s still itching?

Lou: that was not an intelligent man.

Lou: obviously.

Lou: fucking bigot.

Z: I know Li helped you.

Lou: no idea what you’re talking about.

Lou: /sipping tea gif/

***

After about an hour out with Milo they head back to the house, more relaxed than they’ve been in weeks. They’ve only been back in the living room for a minute or so when they hear Liam’s dad and sisters walk in the front door. Milo stays at Zayn’s feet while the family congregates in the doorway, Zayn and Liam standing up from their spot on the sofa. Geoff gives Liam and Zayn a joint hug before greeting Karen. Nicola and Ruth hug each of them in turn before switching their attention to Milo who is now desperate for affection from his big sisters. Liam nudges Zayn’s shoulder with his own and gets him to look at Milo with his ear turned inside out, a ridiculous smile on his face that makes Zayn laugh.

Nicola stands up from petting Milo, looks the two of them up and down, and asks without preamble, “So, you two shagging yet?”

“Jesus CHRIST.“ Liam groans while Zayn calmly answers, “No.” Ruth and Karen both fall over laughing while Geoff runs a hand over his face. Clearly this is nothing new. Zayn reaches out and rubs his hand across Liam’s back while starting to giggle, Liam still flushed and flustered. Count on Nicola to say exactly what everyone is thinking.

“On that note, who’s ready for dinner?” Karen asks once she’s done laughing, wiping tears from her eyes. They all head towards the kitchen, Liam looking a bit faint, but Zayn’s still got a hand on his back so he leans into Zayn’s side for a moment to groan “sisters” into their shoulder before following his family in for dinner.

***

Dinner with the Paynes is like family chaos, in the best way. Liam loves everyone at this table so much he feels like he’s invincible. Seeing Zayn fit right in, as always, joking with his sisters and gossiping with his mom, it feels right. Zayn has always felt at home in this house and with these people, long before they took him and his family in for a few months. The Paynes have been a second home for Zayn, and being here with Liam, joking and laughing and sharing life around the dinner table, it’s everything Zayn wants. It’s all so natural and warm. Zayn and Liam keep catching each other’s eyes as they laugh along, their bodies automatically turning towards each other to share their joy.

After dinner, they all settle in front of the telly for movie night, just like always. Karen and Geoff are in their armchairs, Nicola and Ruth are sharing a sofa, and Liam and Zayn are tangled up on the second sofa with Milo. Zayn lays with his back on Liam’s chest (his favourite spot) and pets Milo while Liam runs his hand through Zayn’s hair, twirling a strand around his fingers every so often. Zayn lays his head back on Liam’s shoulder, relaxing further into him with each passing minute.

“Oi, Li, you still have a thing for Justin Timberlake?” Ruth turns her head to ask a few minutes into Friends With Benefits.

“I still have a thing for JT and for Mila. Don’t make me choose.” Liam shoots back, not taking his eyes from the screen.

“You’re so painfully bisexual, babe.” Zayn adds without even turning to look at him. “If the clear phone case, cuffed pants, and inability to sit in chairs wasn’t a giveaway.”

“Do you want to be the pot or the kettle tonight, Z? I’ll make them switch to Pride and Prejudice so they can witness your bi panic instead. Don’t think I won’t.” Liam teases while poking Zayn in the side, making him squirm in his lap.

“How very dare you.” Zayn doesn’t even try to hide his smile, instead snuggling further back into Liam’s chest and sighing happily. “The hand, Liam. The carriage hand. And the misty morning? You can’t blame me.”

“They have a point, Liam.” Nicola answers from across the room. “The hand. It’s an iconic moment in film history.”

“Zayn always has a point. Thank god we never fight because there’s no way I would win.” Liam tickles Zayn again, making him laugh and kick around before finally catching Liam’s hands and holding them across his chest while catching his breath.

“You act like we agree on everything when just yesterday we argued about which Spiderman goes with which spider daddy: Venom vs Deadpool.” Zayn snuggles back into Liam again, still holding onto his hands so the tickling can’t recommence.

“Obviously Andrew Garfield goes with Venom.” Ruth has fully stopped paying attention to the film now, turning around to join the conversation. “And Tom Holland has to be with Deadpool. The vibes wouldn’t work the other way.”

“Thank you! That’s what I said! Liam thinks they both go with Venom, which yeah he could handle them, without a doubt. But Tom has to be with Deadpool.” Zayn is always ready with his Marvel opinions and more than happy to debate them. “But at least we agree that Hulk and Bruce Banner are both aspec.”

“Obviously.” Liam adds with a laugh. “But can we go back to watching Justin and Mila now? Justin is so good in this one.”

“Of course, babe. Enjoy your eye candy. We can rekindle the Star Wars twink debate tomorrow.” Zayn turns to boop Liam’s nose before settling back in on his chest while Milo lets out a sigh as if all this movement has really thrown off his nap.

Nicola makes a disgusted noise. “Get a room. You two are worse than Lou and Harry.”

“We have the loft. Happy?” Zayn answers while putting Liam’s hand back in his hair. “I didn’t tell you to stop, Liam. Pet me. I’m tired.” Liam sleepily plays with Zayn’s hair as requested, eyes back on the telly, and uses his other arm to hug them closer to his chest. 

“We also have our flat…” Liam mumbles near Zayn’s ear, making him smile and scoot his bum back into Liam’s crotch, giggling when Liam catches his breath and freezes, flushing immediately.

“Behave, Z.” Liam whispers for only Zayn to hear. Zayn sighs but readjusts to be in a more relaxed cuddle spot again. He can misbehave later when they’re alone.

Karen smirks but doesn’t say anything, listening to the kids bicker like a mother hen. Geoff is already asleep in his chair, having missed the conversation entirely. Zayn is so comfortable he could happily stay in this moment forever.

***

When the movie ends they all head to bed mumbling goodnights and see you in the mornings. Liam and Zayn wander up to the loft, Liam keeping a hand on Zayn’s back as they walk up the stairs since there’s no light in the stairwell.

They take turns getting ready for bed. Zayn brushes his teeth and sets out pjs for both of them while Liam showers, Liam’s standard white tee and black pants, Zayn a spiderman tee and black trunks. Liam reads a bit from an old copy of Gatsby he found laying around the loft while he waits for Zayn to come to bed. He thinks it might be Louis' old copy based on the doodles and comments in the margins. Zayn walks back into the loft towelling his hair and smiles when he sees what Liam’s reading. “Haven’t read Fitzgerald in a while. Can’t believe how gay that one is.”

“I know! Even Lou noticed, based on some of the notes I’m reading. And that’s impressive.” Liam yelps as Zayn throws his towel at Liam.

“Oi. That’s my best mate you’re talking about.”

“Our best mate. I don’t think you get to claim him any more than the rest of us.” Liam complains while throwing the wet towel to the hamper. It goes in perfectly. Zayn rolls his eyes, unable to imagine a world where Liam isn’t perfect at everything, or one where Liam isn’t automatically concerned about laundry being left on the floor.

“Come on, bedtime. I’m still tired even after my nap.” Liam pulls open the sheets next to him, making a spot for Zayn to fit in on the side nearest the window.

Zayn crawls across Liam’s lap to the far side of the bed, taking his time and making sure Liam gets an adequate view of his ass on the way. “Remember when all five of us would share this bed?”

“You mean last year?” Liam laughs as he turns another page. “You think we’d fit if we add Shawn, or is he too tall?”

“I don’t think height’s the issue, babe. And we’ll make room.” Zayn has snuggled himself into Liam’s side and pulled the covers up to his chest. While waiting for Liam to turn off the light, Zayn takes full advantage of getting to watch Liam read in his tight white shirt, his entire upper body defined by the lamplight. “You know, it’s not fair that you get to look as good as you do and be as smart as you are. That just shouldn’t be possible.” Zayn observes while running his hand along Liam’s bicep, gentle fingers tickling Liam but not enough to make him squirm.

“Have you ever seen yourself? Have you read your books? If either of us has an unfair advantage, it’s definitely you.” Liam isn’t looking at Zayn, instead he’s pretending to read remarkably well, his eyes fixed on the phrase, He looked at her the way all women want to be looked at by a man. And yeah, Liam knows that look. Could feel it on him right now.

Zayn takes the book out of his hand and leans over him to lay it on the bedside table. “Sleep, Liam. We need sleep.”

“Right. I’ll just…turn off the light then.” Liam moves to switch off the lamp before laying back down and staring at the ceiling.

Liam has never felt less tired. His mind is racing, his palms are sweating, and all he can do is lay there until he falls asleep. But it’s not anxiety for once, it’s a feverish hope that he doesn’t want to shake. After several minutes he hears Zayn whisper, “Why aren’t you sleeping, Liam?” Liam just shrugs, even though it’s dark and he knows Zayn can’t see him. Neither of them says anything for another minute, their hearts beating in rhythm, loud enough for the other to hear. “A matter of infinite hope, I suppose.” He finally mumbles.

Zayn grunts, recognizing the quote and says, “Just…come here.” And he reaches over and pulls Liam towards him, making Liam the big spoon and wrapping Liam’s arms around his waist. Zayn presses a soft kiss to Liam’s palm before settling it on his stomach, keeping it in place with his own hand.

“Goodnight, Li. Love you.”

Liam snuggles into Zayn’s back and breathes deeply. The combination of Zayn’s warmth and his familiar smell always calms him down. “Love you…so much.”

They both fall asleep almost immediately after that, wrapped up in each other.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 3

Liam wakes suddenly in the middle of the night and it takes him a few seconds to figure out why. Zayn’s still in his arms and he’s shaking, his breathing panicked and shallow. Liam immediately starts rubbing his hand across Zayn’s chest, hoping to get him to wake up a bit before trying to move him. After a minute of Liam’s soothing, Zayn stops shaking and his breathing starts to calm, still sleeping through his nightmare.

“Zayn, Z, wake up. It’s just a dream. It’s not real, love, wake up. I’m right here.” Liam turns Zayn to face him, hands on Zayn’s shoulder gentle but firm. Once they’re nose to nose Liam places his hands delicately on either side of Zayn’s face, stroking his cheekbones with his thumbs, wiping away a few tears that have started to fall. Zayn’s awake now but he won’t open his eyes yet, his face closed off and scared. “Look at me, babe. I’m right here. It’s just a dream.”

Zayn finally opens his eyes and the pain Liam sees there is enough to shatter him. Almost immediately after they make eye contact, Zayn starts crying softly and buries himself in Liam’s chest. Liam holds him close, feeling every shaky breath and choked sob that Zayn lets out as if they’re sharing a body. “It hurts, Liam. It hurts so bad. I’m so scared.”

“I know, love, I know. It’s not real. Not anymore. I’m right here. She can’t hurt you anymore.” Liam continues running his hands along Zayn’s back and mumbling consolations in his ear. “I love you, Z. She can’t get to you. I got you.” The pain Zayn is feeling is both emotional and physical, remembered and experienced. The nightmares bring back the person that Zayn was in those traumatic times, and the person Zayn is now has to sit with his past and help it put itself back together. Liam’s arms around him hold those pieces close enough that he can reach out and puzzle them back into place safely, a light guiding his hand and reminding him how to find his way back to now.

Zayn calms down after a few minutes of stillness but he doesn’t move from his spot on Liam’s chest. He’s trying to focus on Liam, on the way he feels so warm and solid, his calm voice and unassuming touch reminding Zayn to come back from where his mind took him away. Liam lets him take his time, patiently grounding him back to the present and away from the nightmares. “I’m okay now, Li. I’m alright.” Zayn mumbles, unconvincingly, still huddled in Liam’s embrace.

“Do you want to talk about it? Tell me what you remembered?” Liam speaks so gently, and Zayn is soothed by the warmth in his voice. He’s safe to be honest with Liam, always, but especially when he’s this vulnerable.

“Not really. It’s nothing you don’t already know. Just a few memories of some bad nights. Can never predict when the nightmares come. Hate it when this happens…I can’t breathe. My chest feels like I’m tied up and can’t move. My heart won’t stop racing because my adrenaline is too high. It’s like I’m being held over a cliff and all it would take to push me over is the panic letting me go.” Zayn has never had the right words to describe this feeling, to let someone else see from inside of the pain.

“I know, babe. It’s alright. I’m here to catch you, you’re not going to fall. Let’s just lay here for a bit, yeah?” Liam tilts Zayn’s head up to look in his eyes. He still sees so much pain there, and it brings him back to a time when nights like this were the rule instead of the exception, when it was rare for Zayn to sleep through the night without a full panic attack. Maybe it’s this room, the place where Zayn first began to put himself back together, Liam always by his side. “I’m not going anywhere. You have me, Zayn. I won’t let go.”

“It’s just not fair.” Zayn starts crying again without warning, the pain bursting back out of him like it’s desperate to be seen. “She gets to live her life and I have to deal with the nightmares and the scars and the memories and the pain. She has to live with what she’s done, but not as much as I do, and not as much as my dad and my sisters and you. What kind of fucking mother does this to her kid? I was barely alive by the time she was done with me. And for what? Because I’m queer? Because I’m different? Just because she could?”

“It’s not fair, Zayn. You never deserved any of it. Not a single moment of what she did to you. You are so brave, love, so strong. I’m so proud of you.” Liam presses a kiss to the top of Zayn’s head. “You have never been anything but loving and kind and gentle, despite what your mother did. There’s no reason for what she put you through. No answer that makes any of it better.”

“I can still feel it, Liam. All of it. Like she just hit me and I didn’t dream it. I can feel the bruises down my back. I can feel the black eye and bruised ribs from being pushed down the stairs. I swear my wrist stings like it’s still bleeding from the broken glass. When it’s in my sleep it all gets shoved together into one memory, without the space inbetween to heal. And the things she used to say, Liam... Just unbelievable. I hear it ringing in my ears on a loop, calling me every fucking slur for queer she could remember while she fucking beat her hate into me.” Zayn pauses and turns his face back into Liam’s chest for a minute. He breathes him in and reminds himself of where he is now, Liam’s smell and his body and his love so wonderfully familiar. “I know I’m awake now. I know I am. But my body doesn’t understand. It fucking hurts and that’s not imagined.”

Liam never knows what to say. What could he possibly say? Nothing will ever undo any of this. Liam wants to fight anyone who ever hurt Zayn, but that wouldn’t fix it. “I just…I love you, Zayn. So many people love you. You’re safe now. I’ll always be here to keep you safe. I know I can’t make it go away. Rationally I understand that it’s in the past. But you’re in pain now, right now. God, I wish I could transfer even a fraction of that to me instead. I promise I’ll be here, just like always, whatever you need. And you’re so brave for telling me about it. For telling anyone about it. So fucking brave, you have no idea. I’m so proud of you.”

Zayn lets Liam’s words filter through his pain for a moment, taking away some of the sharp edges. “I know. You make me feel safe. Always. You’re the only one I want to be around when it’s like this. It’s so painful and I don’t want to put that on anyone else. But I know you’re not leaving and you never make me feel like I should get over it or hide it…I’m so fucking tired. Feels like I ran a marathon. Whole body is sore and my chest hurts from crying. Still can’t breathe.” Zayn stays huddled in Liam’s arms, breathing deeply and calming himself down. 

They lay in silence for several minutes, Zayn relaxing slowly and Liam continuing to offer whatever comfort he can. “Do you want to go back to sleep, Z? I’ll stay up all night with you if that’s better. Or I’ll keep you safe while you sleep. Whatever you need.” Liam asks after a few more minutes of quiet.

Zayn turns himself around so he’s the little spoon again before answering, turning his head over his shoulder to talk. “Read to me? Please? And keep holding me, my back on your chest? It helps. It always helps. It’s where I feel most vulnerable…sorry.” Zayn looks so tired, and it’s not from lack of sleep.

“Of course. Never apologise for that, Zayn. You’ve done nothing wrong. Now, what do you want me to read?” Liam reaches over to turn on the lamp and see what options are on the bedside table. “Inkheart? This one’s got some of your notes in it.” Liam smiles when Zayn nods at the suggestion and readjusts to hold Zayn the way he needs. Zayn hums sleepily and snuggles back into Liam’s chest, putting one of Liam’s arms around his waist and holding it in place. Liam starts reading quietly, “Rain fell that night, a fine, whispering rain…” and Zayn is soon distracted by the familiar story.

After only a few pages, Zayn is asleep again, his breathing even and his face calm. Liam keeps reading silently to himself until he reaches the end of the chapter before setting the book aside and turning the lamp off. He moves them both so they’re laying more comfortably and wraps both his arms around Zayn. Liam listens for any signs of renewed nightmares or troubled dreams, but all he hears is Zayn’s steady breathing, a sign that he’ll hopefully sleep through the rest of the night. Liam stays awake for a bit longer, making sure Zayn truly is settled and sleeping peacefully. He presses a kiss to Zayn’s temple before finally letting himself drift back to sleep, holding Zayn close.

***

Zayn wakes early the next morning, just beginning to move while the sun breaks through the  fog. He turns himself over to lay on Liam’s chest, breathing him in and laying a hand over his heart. Soft, sleepy Liam might be Zayn’s favourite, if he had to choose. He wants to wake up to this everyday for the rest of his life, and he thinks they’re both almost ready for that. He knows they are. Despite the middle of the night panic, Zayn feels rested and comfortable as he nuzzles into Liam, adjusting to the dawn sunlight.

He lays on Liam’s chest for a few more minutes before getting up as gently as possible to use the bathroom. He kisses Liam’s cheek so softly, trying not to wake him, and traces a hand through Liam’s hair, taking a moment to memorise how Liam looks this morning. Zayn has a feeling about today already, a certainty deep in his gut, and it’s barely started. “Love you, babe.” He whispers in Liam’s ear before pulling himself away and leaving the room.

When Zayn returns, Liam is awake, waiting for him to come back, watching him with warm eyes and a sleepy smile. He yawns wide and stretches his arms above his head and Zayn can’t help but melt at the sight. His mind wanders to how desperately he wants to kiss Liam awake and hold him in his arms, but not yet. 

“Didn’t mean to wake you. Sorry.” Zayn says as he carefully climbs back into bed. The sheets are warm and sleep rumpled and the morning is still quiet around them.

“S’alright. I don’t mind.” Liam yawns again and reaches a hand out to Zayn. “Come here. Plenty more time to cuddle before we have to get up.”

“Read my mind, babe.” Zayn settles in facing Liam and glows when Liam kisses his forehead before pulling Zayn onto his chest again.

“I’m way too comfortable to get up anytime soon. What if we just stay in bed and don’t go to my cousin’s wedding?” Liam could stay snuggled up with Zayn for hours and be perfectly happy. He loves having Zayn all to himself, and he’s feeling extra protective after last night. He knows Zayn can be a bit fragile for a few days after the nightmares.

“I think Niall would actually drive here and kill us. He fucking hates weddings. Unless they’re Irish. I had to hear all about it last week when he came over.” Zayn starts playing with the hair at the back of Liam’s neck while talking. “This’ll be the first time we see him with Shawn since they got together. Should be interesting.”

“Don’t think it’ll be much different if I’m honest. Since Shawn can’t be out yet, they’ll probably have to keep a bit of distance.” Liam sighs heavily. “Fucking hate that part of Shawn’s job. And I know it’s hard for Niall.” Liam’s laying on his back, one arm above his head and the other over Zayn’s back while Zayn lays on his chest, their legs intertwined. He’s very aware of Zayn’s wandering hands, but doesn’t know what he wants to do about it.

“Lucky they have us. At the wedding, but also our group is the best…Okay I’m biased but I think we might be the most supportive friends I’ve ever seen.” Zayn’s hand has moved from Liam’s neck to his stomach and he’s proud of himself for keeping his touch above Liam’s shirt. God, he wants to peel that shirt off of Liam and breathe him in, skin to skin, kiss his way down Liam’s chest and…Not yet.

Liam coughs and moves his hand lower down Zayn’s back pulling him a bit closer. “Guess Shawn is one of us now. Niall wouldn’t have started that relationship if he wasn’t serious about it…” Liam loses his train of thought as Zayn’s hand slips beneath his shirt and starts drawing circles on his stomach as if it’s nothing, as if they wake up like this every morning. “You, uh, what do you want to um do together? I mean like before the wedding. Like before we have to get ready. Should we-”

“I think you should go for a run. Seems a nice morning for it.” Zayn smirks while he keeps his hand on Liam’s stomach. His hand isn’t doing anything untoward, just a delicate pattern of casual intimacy. He can tell how flustered Liam is by the way he stopped making sentences. So maybe he’s a little more bold than he thought.

“Right, okay. Sure. What…D’you want to go for a walk? We can take Milo down to the cafe, take our tea outside and just relax a bit?” Liam is fully flushed now, and he can feel it. His face is ten degrees warmer than the rest of his body.

“Sounds perfect, babe. But we have to get up to do that. Which means you, Li. You have to get up. Go on.” Zayn removes his hand from under Liam’s shirt and presses a quick kiss to Liam’s chest before pushing him off the bed.

“Zayn! What-” Liam and Zayn are both laughing so loud now that the dog starts barking downstairs.

“Oops.” Zayn isn’t even a little sorry, laughing at how easily Liam just rolled off the edge. “Just helping you get your morning started.”

“You’re lucky I love you.” Liam sounds grumpy but his eyes never lie. Zayn can read the love there, brighter than ever. Liam gets up off the floor and as he’s about to walk away Zayn reaches over and pinches his bum. “What-” Liam jumps, turning around to see Zayn still huddled under the sheets.

“What? You’ve got a nice bum. Now go sort out that situation in your pants and then we can go on our walk.” Zayn looks convincingly innocent, his eyes never straying lower than Liam’s chest. He doesn’t have to see Liam’s morning wood to know it’s there because he just felt it under him a minute ago.

“Zayn! We are one floor away from my parents!” Liam is now covering his crotch and backing out of the room clumsily, clearly distracted. “And I will go sort this out. I’m not ashamed of a little morning wank. Healthy. Gets the blood flowing and all that.”

“Mhm. Right. See you in 30 seconds.”

Liam flips him off before closing the bathroom door to go “shower”. Yeah, Zayn has a good feeling about today.

***

This cafe has been a staple for the Payne household for as long as Liam can remember. While he waits his turn in line he peruses the menu as if it hasn’t been memorised for over a decade. His usual: a London fog, oat milk, no sweetener. Zayn’s: large chai, dash of milk, one sugar (says it reminds him of his family, even if it’s usually Anglicanized bullshit). He could order for the whole family without even needing to ask. And now that he thinks about it, that’s what a good kid and sibling would do, so he makes a mental note to do just that.

The person working the till calls him forward to order. “Liam! Good to see you! Been a while since you’ve been in town. See your mum all the time, of course.”

“Morning, Ella. How you been? How’re the kids?” Liam smiles wide and chats easily, knowing there’s no one waiting behind him at the moment. He’s known Ella his entire life. They’re the sort of friends who see each other around the holidays, share memes on instagram a few times a week, and the Paynes get a holiday card from her family every year.

“Oh they’re all grand. Little Josh has a play on at the school next week, so I’ve been hot glueing for a fortnight. My fingers could fall off.” They both laugh before Ella says. “Alright, down to business. What’s on the menu for the Paynes today?”

“I’ve decided to be a good kid and order for the lot of us. My sisters are in town too for my cousin Vera’s wedding and everyone was still asleep when we left.” Liam vaguely gestures with his head out the window to where Zayn is sat with Milo.

“Oh, you bring Zayn with you? Give him my love. He’s always been my favourite, though I suppose Harry is a close second.” Ella winks at Liam.

“Let me guess, I’m dead last?” Liam raises his eyebrows and smirks. “It’s alright, Zayn’s my favourite too.”

“Oh we all know, Liam. Not exactly subtle about it, mate.” Ella laughs and leans over the counter to poke him in the cheek. “Missed having you and the lads around. But enough about that, what are we making for you all today? The usual?”

“Yeah, london fog, oat milk for me. Chai with milk, one sugar for Z. Yorkshire for my parents. I suppose Nicola will want Earl Grey, leave the teabag in, and Ruth’ll want a Cambric, nonfat with honey.” Liam glances at the display case. “And surprise us with a few pastries? Thanks, Ella.”

“Not a problem, Liam. Give us a few, I’ll call you over when it’s ready.” Ella turns away and joins the other barista to get the order started. Liam walks around the cafe, glancing around at the pictures on the walls, smiling at the picture of himself with Zayn, Louis, Harry, and Niall from years ago, probably about the age of 9. They have a hot chocolate each and their arms are around each other, Louis pulling a face at the camera. It had been over Christmas holiday and they’d just been at the skating rink with all their parents and siblings. He’s glad to know that visitors to this cafe, and to this town, will see how happy they had all been on that day.

Something outside of the window catches his eye. Liam glances through the glass and his eyes crinkle in a grin. Zayn is leaning forward talking to Milo, giving him all the attention in the world. To be on the receiving end of Zayn’s undivided attention feels like staring into a fire on a cold winter night. Mesmerising, warm, and peaceful. Zayn leans back in his chair and lets Milo settle at his feet, the sun glistening high on his cheekbones, giving him a golden glow. Before Zayn moves, Liam slips his phone out of his pocket and snaps a picture to post. He shouldn’t be the only one who gets to appreciate Zayn.

“Liam, we’re all set here.” Ella calls to him as he puts his phone away. Liam walks over to the counter to retrieve the tray of teas and bag of pastries. Thanking Ella, Liam heads out to Zayn, not wanting to be away from him for the rest of the morning, or for the rest of his life if he can help it. Life is best when shared with Zayn.

***

Zayn waits outside with Milo while Liam orders their tea and tilts his face to catch the early morning sun. Milo sits under the table, head on Zayn’s trainer, watching the door for Liam to re-emerge. While he waits he checks his phone, sees a bed selfie with Niall and Shawn in the group chat, and types back “Hotel? Surprised Karen didn’t make you stay with us.” A minute later he gets a reply from Niall, “too tired for an orgy last night. And you can’t expect me to share Shawn already.” Zayn laughs at Niall’s cheek as he sees Liam walking out on the patio with their breakfast, setting his phone aside.

“You see the happy couple?” Zayn takes his tea from Liam who sits down at the other end of the table.

“Which one? The pic H posted with Lou and Clifford, or the bed selfie from Niall?”

“Both…It’s nice that we’re all settled now, though. We are getting to that age.” Zayn takes a sip of his tea, staring at Liam incredibly pointedly. He’s still feeling bold today. Must be something in the air.

“Yeah. Yeah, we are… Well, I mean, you haven’t found your someone yet, though, Z.” Liam won’t meet Zayn’s gaze, instead leaning down to pet Milo. He doesn’t want to assume where Zayn is steering the conversation, just in case.

“That so? Hm…” Zayn reaches his foot under the table and links his ankle with Liam’s. When Liam finally sits back up and looks at him he says, “Funny. I thought I had.” before looking away and watching the passerby. Zayn rests his hand palm up on the table while staring out across the street and waits. He’s leaving the option open because maybe Liam’s ready too. Liam stares at Zayn, stares at his hand on the table, and with what feels like a Herculean effort, reaches over and takes Zayn’s hand, holding it gently, cautiously, as if Zayn hadn’t just said that. Zayn reacts immediately, linking their fingers together and watching Liam with eyes that reflect all the sunlight of the morning. The way he looks at Liam isn’t like how he looks at anyone else, as if he’s the only thing he can truly see, a fixed point in his attention around which everything else fades.

Liam thinks he might actually die, his heart racing and the air suddenly feeling incredibly thin. It’s just holding hands, something they’ve been doing their whole lives. But he knows it’s not just holding hands. Liam is so fucking nervous but he’s also so full of hope that he feels he might float away as it fills him up. Meanwhile, Zayn has an entire parade of butterflies in his stomach so he takes another sip of his tea and tries as casually as possible to continue their conversation. “Noticed you didn’t include yourself in that either. Something you need to share, Li? You meet the person you’re gonna settle down with?” Zayn might be pushing his luck, but he’s truly enjoying the teasing. It’s not as if they haven’t talked about this before, or as if their loved ones don’t point it out on a rotating schedule.

Liam is panicking. He has absolutely no idea how he’s expected to answer that question. They’ve been carefully sidestepping this conversation for so long he’s not used to the rules here. But he and Zayn are still holding hands and that fact is what gives him the courage to say, “Might have. If you behave at the wedding, maybe I’ll tell you about them.”

“Don’t push your luck, James.” Zayn kicks him under the table, “I will behave how I please.”

“I can’t believe you just said that.” Liam takes his hand back and crosses his arms across his chest, pouting.

“Not my fault you went through your middle name phase for an entire year.” Zayn is smirking as he pulls up twitter, typing as Liam starts his rant.

@zmwrites: I’m in love with the world’s smartest idiot. Send tweet.

“It was not an entire year. Barely 9 months. And Louis used to have everyone call him Lewis. And then there was that one holiday where Niall pretended to be American. Oh! And you had that skater boi phase for like three consecutive summers. So me trying out my middle name isn’t even embarrassing in comparison.” Liam is too busy pouting to notice Zayn get up from his seat and walk around behind him. Zayn wraps his arms around Liam’s chest and presses a soft kiss to the side of Liam’s neck, his lips lingering there for what feels like hours but is probably just a moment too long. Liam’s entire body breaks out in a chill, especially when Zayn whispers in his ear, “Whatever you say, babe.”

Both of their phones vibrate with a series of notifications at the same time. Zayn goes back to his seat, and Liam already misses his arms around him. They both pick up their phones to answer the group chat.

H: Zayn, this is your reminder that I have your twitter notifications on.

Lou: harry, it’s too bloody early

Lou: get off your phone love

H: Lou go look at twitter

Niall: You didn’t even answer my post coital selfie but you have time to check the bird app?

Niall: Unbelievable.

Lou: ZAYN

Liam: I’m guessing none of you have been on instagram. Sad for you.

Z: Shut it, James.

Niall: hahahahahahha please tell me we are bringing James back

Liam: Wait, what did I miss on twitter?

Lou: I call him James when he’s being a tit

Z: I’m literally sitting next to you. Why are you texting this?

Liam: okay LEWIS

H: Li you know I was on insta because you liked my post about the dacquoise

Z: Wait, what did I miss on instagram?

Lou: gay disasters the lot of you

H: LIAM

Niall: WHY ARE WE YELLING MY EARS ARE SENSITIVE

The group chat notifications continue, but both Zayn and Liam are ignoring them. Zayn staring at instagram, Liam at twitter.

“When did you even have time to take and post this picture, Li?” Zayn thinks he might actually be blushing, which is not something that happens to him. Liam had posted a picture of Zayn leaning back in his chair with his eyes closed, facing the sun captioned “Love is not consolation, it is light.” just a few minutes ago. If Liam is trying to woo Zayn through the social internet, it’s working splendidly. Then again, he didn’t even tag him so.

Liam doesn’t answer the question or ask Zayn about the tweet, but he is absolutely beaming. Instead, he stands up, grabs Zayn’s hand to pull him out of his chair and says, “Come on, we have to head home and get ready.” This time he doesn’t drop Zayn’s hand and they walk the few blocks home in silence, Milo trotting along ahead of them, a tray with tea for the rest of the family in Liam’s left hand, and the bag of pastries in Zayn’s right. They’ve made this walk home from the cafe together hundreds of times, though they both feel the shift. Everything means more now, or is starting to, and they can barely contain their joy as it spills out through their smiles.

***

They’re still early so they can take their time getting ready for the wedding. When the trio gets back from the cafe, half of the Paynes are still asleep. They leave their tea and snacks on the kitchen counter, texting the family group chat to let them know it’s there. After kissing Karen good morning as she walks into the kitchen, they head back up to the loft to start getting ready for the day. 

“You know, we still have a bit of time. Might take a quick nap.” Zayn is yawning around a smile. “Come cuddle me so I can snore on you properly and not from a distance.”

“You don’t snore, babe. But alright.” Liam lays down next to Zayn, pulling out his phone and putting on his blue light glasses. “I’ll just…catch up on some work emails. Probably should do that anyway.” He feels Zayn staring from beside him. “Need something, Z?”

“Glasses.” Zayn mumbles. Liam glances down at them and sees they’re flushed again, transfixed and mind clearly elsewhere. Well then.

“What about the glasses?” Liam knows exactly what about the glasses, but he opens his gmail and starts a new message, seemingly indifferent. He doesn’t want to push Zayn, but he’s not about to turn down the attention either. Zayn isn’t the only one being bold today.

“They’re…you should wear them more often.” Zayn rolls on his side and sets a hand on Liam’s chest, still staring. When Liam wears glasses he can’t look away, now more than ever. Zayn pictures a quiet night at home in front of the fire, Liam next to him on the sofa, book in hand, concentrated on the page until Zayn crawls into his lap, gently taking the book from his hands and putting it aside, tracing Liam’s lips with his thumb before removing Liam’s glasses and….Zayn clears his throat and focuses back on his right hand where it still rests on Liam’s chest. He floats his fingers down Liam’s sternum to rest on his stomach for a moment before taking his hand back and snuggling deeper into Liam’s side, as if that will help his heart stop racing. He squints at the sunlight before pulling Liam’s nearest arm over to shade his eyes from the sun. “Wake me up in a half hour. I need time to look good. Have a lot of Paynes to impress today.”

Liam chuckles warmly, “You could walk in like this in your joggers and jumper and still be the fittest person there…are you asleep or ignoring me?” Liam waits for an answer. “Ignoring me then. Guess you won’t mind if I just-” and Liam starts to take his arm back from covering Zayn’s eyes. “Don’t you dare” is mumbled grumpily from Zayn’s direction. Liam smiles fondly before turning his attention back to his phone to send a few emails and scroll through a few websites, double checking some details before setting it aside to lay down and snuggle up with Z for a few minutes.

***

Way too soon, Zayn is being woken from his nap with a gentle hand on his cheek. Gentle, but the ideal amount of waking up would be zero. “Five more minutes. Need my beauty sleep.” He turns away from Liam in protest, bringing the pillow over his face to block out the sun.

“I already let you sleep for an hour, babe. Come on, I’ll make you another tea if you get up.” Liam moves away to gather his things and find what they need for the day.

“Tea? The way I like it?” Zayn is squinting against the sun again, watching Liam sort through their clothes and laying out what they need at the foot of the bed.

“That depends. You going to get up?” Liam stops what he’s doing and watches Zayn stretch and roll himself over the side of the bed, landing on the floor with a thud and reaching out a hand for Liam to help him up. “I suppose that counts. Come here, grumpy.” Liam brings Zayn into a hug, rubbing his hands along Zayn’s back to wake him up and kissing his forehead before stepping away. “Go freshen up while I make your tea. Already laid out our suits.”

Zayn closes themself in the bathroom while Liam goes downstairs to the kitchen to make each of them another cup of tea. He’s feeling nostalgic so he chooses the mugs they made together as kids, Liam’s a simple red with an L on the side, Zayn’s a bit of a creative mess, every colour of the rainbow fighting for attention and no discernable pattern. Karen has kept them all these years, tucked away for when they come back to visit. Once he’s satisfied that Zayn’s is still practically boiling, Liam takes both mugs back upstairs with him, nudging the loft door open to find Zayn face down on the bed again.

“Nice try but I made tea. Deal’s a deal.” Liam sets the tea down on the bedside table and flops down next to Zayn, reaching out and tickling him until he cackles uncontrollably and tries to squirm away from Liam who just pulls him into a tight hug, laughing softly into his shoulder. Everything about today just feels so warm and natural, like spending lazy mornings together is part of their forever.

“I suppose you’re right. Deal’s a deal. Tea me.” Zayn sits up and holds his hands out expectantly, fingers wrapping around his familiar mug once Liam hands it over. Liam takes a sip of his own while waiting for Zayn to try it. “Extra hot. You always make it perfect.” Zayn leans over and kisses Liam on the cheek before finally standing up and starting to get ready.

They had never been shy changing around each other, but today they both pointedly aren’t watching the other until they’re suitably clothed in their underthings. As promised, Liam has laid out their suits and everything to go with them. Zayn’s outfit is all black, a crisp black button up under a black suit and a black silk tie. The all black look is his go to for formal family events, and he’s also aware how it defines his cheekbones and heightens the warmth of his skin, lips, and eyes. He’ll be glowing today. Liam’s laid out another black suit for himself, but his has the thinnest of pinstripes and an ivory dress shirt with a black tie very similar to Zayn’s. Liam’s suit is lined with a pale lilac satin, and he has a pocket square to match. They’ll look gorgeous together in photos, and Liam had made sure of that when choosing his outfit for the wedding.

Once they’re almost fully dressed, and since the rest of the family is now awake, Liam decides to play their 90s/00s playlist. They still have a bit of time before they have to leave and what better way to spend that than vibing in the loft. As What Dreams Are Made Of blares through the speaker, Liam grabs Zayn’s hand and says “Dance with me, Z. This is my jam.” Zayn is more than happy to scream sing along while they dance like degenerates to Lizzie McGuire. And that’s how they end up completely out of breath and flush faced when Karen comes to check on them, knocking a few times before peaking around the door and feeling like she’s stepped into a romcom.

“Don’t let me interrupt, just wanted to check on your plans for transpo today. Did you plan to drive with us?” Karen is smiling wide, looking every bit the proud mom that she feels.

“Alright, mum? Can we drive there with you and dad? Not sure how late we’ll stay though. We can always catch a cab home.” Liam says while still holding both of Zayn’s hands in his from when they were dancing just moments ago. Zayn takes advantage of his distraction and jumps on Liam, wrapping his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck. Liam steps back to readjust his weight but catches Zayn easily, and starts spinning them while still chatting with his mom. She picks up their now empty mugs to bring back downstairs with her.

“We’ll be leaving soon. I want to take a few family photos before we leave. Meet us downstairs in five?” Karen blows them a kiss before leaving the loft again, giggling to herself while hurrying to gossip with Geoff about how cute that was.

“Gonna dance with me at the wedding, Li?” Zayn asks while still held in Liam’s arms. “I’m the best dancer you know.”

“Lou is the best dancer we both know, but I guess you’ll do.” Liam teases before kissing Zayn on the cheek. “Guess we should finish getting ready so we can go take pictures for mum.”

Zayn hops off of Liam’s waist but leaves his arms around his neck. “Yeah...I want to remember today.” He brushes a thumb over Liam’s cheekbone and Liam’s hands tighten on his back. They stand there sharing space for a minute before Zayn drops his hands back to his sides with a sigh.

They step away from each other and grab their suit jackets. Zayn reaches over and adjusts Liam’s tie once he’s suited up. “Can’t have you looking disheveled already. Haven’t even had my way with you yet.” Zayn smirks when he sees Liam immediately flush at the comment. But he reaches up to grab Zayn’s hands where they’re still fixing his tie and Zayn stops breathing for a moment, unsure what to expect. Liam has one of Zayn’s hands in each of his and he presses a kiss to the palm of each one while staring straight into Zayn’s eyes.

“You look stunning, Z. Not a thing I would change.” Liam says it so earnestly that Zayn might actually cry. They spend another moment staring at each other, Zayn taking one of his hands back to lay it on Liam’s chest. The spell breaks when Milo barks at them from downstairs, making them both turn their heads in the direction of the loft door. Liam looks back at Zayn with a tilt of his head behind him, “Now, let’s go take those photos for mum so we can save Niall from this fucking wedding. He’s been blowing up the chat all morning.”

Liam leads Zayn down the stairs by his hand and they meet the rest of the Paynes in the entryway with Milo waiting obediently in a bowtie. Zayn doesn’t drop Liam’s hand but kneels down to Milo, “You look so handsome. Yes you do! You’re so cute I’m gonna keep you! But shhhh don’t tell your mom.” Liam watches the exchange with crinkly eyes and a small smile. He loves how soft Zayn is for dogs.

“You two cleaned up nice.” Nicola says, looking them up and down with her arms across her chest. “And you match.”

“I’m wearing all black, Nic. Hard not to match me.” Zayn stands up from petting Milo and pulls Liam closer, letting their hands drop to hold Liam at the waist under his suit coat. “But thank you. Liam made sure we would look presentable. He gets the credit.”

“You all look lovely as well, including you, dad.” Liam adds, always the good kid, even now. “Pictures, yeah?” Karen nods and ushers them all outside, but before following them, Zayn squeezes Liam’s side and pulls him closer to whisper, “You look absolutely incredible, Liam. I’ll do my best to behave, but fuck. I could spend the entire day memorising how you look right now and know that not a second was wasted.”

“Zayn, I-” Liam tugs on Zayn’s hand when he tries to bring Liam outside to join the others, stopping him from going any further.

“Not right now, okay? Later. Promise.” Zayn leans forward and kisses Liam on the cheek again, letting himself linger a moment too long and feeling Liam’s hand warm on his back, holding him close. “Now come on. Pictures with the Paynes.” Zayn steps away and tugs on Liam’s hand again, Liam following happily this time, putting the sun to shame with how bright he’s smiling.

Karen lines them all up for photos and puts them through the routine. Just the kids, Geoff with Liam and Zayn, Karen and the girls, Milo with Liam and Zayn, and etc. Milo poses for every single photo, a true natural in front of the camera. They are all in a great mood, the sun is shining, and the pictures turn out beautifully. Liam and Zayn can’t take their eyes (or their hands) off each other, and Karen sneaks several candid shots that she texts to them both.

“Will you text those to my dad for me?” Zayn asks Karen once he sees some of the pictures. “I never remember.”

“Oh, they’re going in the parents’ group text for sure. But I’ll send the best to just Yaser. He’s always so proud to show you kids off.” Karen smiles down at her phone, sending the pictures, and maybe a bit of commentary as well.

Once they’re all satisfied with the results of the photo shoot and Milo is safely back in the house, Nicolla and Ruth take Karen’s car while the rest squeeze into the family car and Geoff drives them towards the country home that’s hosting the wedding. Zayn gets another instagram notification from @LPayne (he decided to turn on all notifs for Liam’s posts since missing the one earlier in the morning). Liam posted one of the pictures that Karen sent them, Liam’s hand on Zayn’s waist, both of them staring into each other’s eyes, blind to the rest of the world. The caption reads “ Wedding date ” with a heart emoji in each colour of the rainbow. Zayn sees that @tommostyles91 has already commented “simping on main, payno?” and that Liam liked the comment.

Zayn leans his head on Liam’s shoulder before posting his own picture. Liam opens the post notification from @ZMalik with the caption “'Is love this safety I feel in our silences? Is it this belonging, this completeness?’ You are my safe place, my favourite person, and at least for today, my dance partner. ” with a teddy bear emoji at the end. The picture is so natural, Liam hugging Zayn from behind, Z laughing at something Liam said, his hands resting on Liam’s forearms where they wrap around his chest, Liam grinning at Zayn without a care in the world. And of course there’s already comments from @HTStyles (“I'm obsessed with this ”) and @Nialler (“I ship it ”). Liam finds himself staring at the word “partner ” over and over for long enough that Zayn takes his phone out of his hand and places it face down between them. Liam pushes down his anxiety and holds the back of Zayn’s neck in his hand before placing a kiss on his forehead and resting his chin on Zayn’s head, pulling him into a hug. “Love you, Z.” 

They spend the rest of the car trip gossiping with Karen and Geoff, predicting the antics of various relatives, trolling instagram to see what the other cousins are wearing, and reminiscing on the most memorable Payne family weddings of the past decade. Zayn’s been to almost all of them, a member of the family with a standing invite, if Karen has any say in it. It’s familiar and exciting and fun and everyone in the car is glad for this day, for this chance to be together and look to the future. Zayn and Liam keep their hands linked the whole drive.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 4

They pull up to Pendrell Hall and Geoff parks the car in the allotted spots to the side of the manor house. The house’s exterior is absolutely stunning, a mid-Victorian country home originally built for Edward Viles, a writer of short stories. Turrets cover the exterior of the home, with rounded windows and memories of occupants past. The brownstone with the off-white accents is going to look absolutely stunning in pictures, and Liam could so easily imagine his own wedding here. The walks around the grounds together the morning of, hand in hand enjoying the scenery before everyone else shows up and the day gets hectic. They would plan to get ready separately so there was some surprise, but Z would realise quickly that half his stuff is in Liam’s dressing room and they’d end up putting each other together instead, adjusting shirt cuffs and tucking strands of hair where they belong before heading outside for the ceremony. They would want an evening ceremony, the setting sun framing their vows, and the twinkle lights turning on as they walk down the aisle, officially wed. Their whole extended family would be weeping and the two of them would spend the rest of the night inseparable, sharing a dance or two and surrounded by their loved ones. With that thought, he turns to watch Zayn getting out of the car, looking better than he has any right in his all black suit, his hair hanging a bit in his eyes, and an easy smile on his face while he talks with Karen. Liam has always appreciated how close Z is with his own family, especially with his mum. He’s already an integral part of the family.

Once they’re all out of the car and have their belongings, Karen insists on another picture, this time a selfie with the four of them for her to post on facebook. Zayn feels Liam watching him, so he grabs him and kisses his cheek just as Karen snaps the picture. He can feel Liam’s smile where his lips meet his cheek, and knows he has his own smile growing in response. Zayn thinks he’ll be lucky to make it through the day without snogging Liam senseless. He hopes he’ll be unlucky today.

Zayn takes out his own phone to take a selfie of just him and Liam. He can’t stop staring at Liam, at how comfortable and happy he looks, his inner light shining bright and making him absolutely captivating. No wonder Zayn can’t look away. Liam laughs and takes the phone from Zayn saying, “You might want to look at the camera for the picture, Z.”

“But why? You're right here.” But he does turn, tilting his head to lean against Liam’s, both of them smiling softly when Liam takes the picture. They take a few more, Zayn eventually moving Liam’s hand that’s holding the phone to different angles, trying to capture the right lighting. “If you care so much, why don’t you hold it yourself?” Liam laughs but he’s just teasing. He knows Zayn doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. Zayn pulls him in by the waist and gives him a squeeze just as Liam takes the picture, capturing a genuine laugh from both of them, Zayn looking at the camera with Liam turning to look at Z.

Karen looks away from the two of them to glance through the pictures on her own phone and stage-whispers to her husband, “Do you think I should ask the wedding planner about available dates for next year?”

“Mum!” Liam grumbles, but Zayn laughs uncontrollably for about 10 seconds before saying, “Don’t know if I want to wait that long, Mum. Better make it next season.” He pats Liam on the bum and says, “Get a move on Liam we can’t be walking in behind the bride. It’s bad form.”

Liam turns to him, eyes him up and down with a smirk, then picks him up bridal style, and says to his parents while walking away, “Apparently Z’s in a mood so I’ll take it from here. See you in there.” And with that he marches them across the front lawn the rest of the way to the entrance. Zayn nuzzles into Liam’s neck and bites his collarbone, laughing when Liam almost drops him before recovering enough to walk through the doorway.

Stopping inside the entry of the house, Liam sets Zayn down but pulls him back against him when he makes to walk away, one arm secure around his chest and the other reaching down to tease Zayn’s hand. Liam has his whole body pressed against Zayn’s back and says for only Zayn to hear, “We have to be decent around the Normals, Zayn. If you keep this up I’ll be blowing you on the front lawn.” And then Liam leaves a mark of his own on Zayn with a quick bite to his neck, covered with a gentle kiss. “Promise?” Zayn replies, winding his free hand into Liam’s hair and holding him there, not so subtly pushing back into Liam.

“Jesus Christ, Z. I am actually going to be hard in front of my entire family and I can’t even do anything about it. Fucking torture.” Liam knows there’s people around and he’s barely holding it together. “Speaking of which…” Zayn whispers back as he sees Liam’s nan walking over to greet them. “Oh no you don’t.” Liam hisses in his ear while Zayn starts to pull away. “You have to deal with them too, babe. Them’s the rules.”

“Fine, but I’m not going to play nice. That one always calls me Aladdin.” Zayn says while pointing at Liam’s Uncle Piers over in the corner. He turns into Liam to slowly trace his fingertips under the front of Liam’s waistband while breathing against the stubble on his jaw before immediately turning around and saying to Liam’s nan, “Good to see you again! Been ages since I’ve seen the whole family. How’ve you been,” a bright smile stretching his face.

Liam tries his best to hide behind Zayn, because he’s now visibly hard and flushed after that little stunt Zayn just pulled. “Hi Gran! Lovely to see you again.” Liam repeats Zayn’s words, knowing his nan is only hearing about 23% of what’s going on around her anyway. He leans over to give her a quick peck on the cheek and says, “Gran, we have to go find our seats. Our seats, Gran. The ceremony’s set to start in ten. Ten minutes. Yes, time to be seated. Where’s Granda? Look Gran, he’s over there talking to mum. Phil, your husband. Yes. He’s in the corner with my mum. Karen. Yes, your daughter-in-law, Karen. Geoff’s wife. Geoff, your son. Yes, that one. No Gran, don’t go find Geoff he’s the other way. Behind you. Yes, that way. No, the other corner. Look, Phil is waving at you. Yes, he looks great. So do you, Gran. Love the dress. Yes, we’ll talk later. Talk later!”

“And you.” He says turning to Zayn, who looks incredibly innocent given the circumstances. “You keep your hands to yourself, at least until the reception starts and I can do something about it.” He grabs Zayn’s wrists gently and places his hands at his side, away from where they were already sneaking their way under Liam’s coat.

“Oh, I love a challenge, babe. Careful what you wish for.” Zayn runs a hand down Liam’s sternum and watches his eyes widen before he turns around and starts walking towards the back of the house, waiting for Liam to catch up. “And we’re sitting with Niall.”

“No arguments here. Maybe he’ll keep you in line.” Liam says, knowing that if anything Niall will only heighten the chaos, and he knows Zayn agrees when he hears a snort of disbelief from Zayn’s direction. When he finally catches up he pulls Zayn close and kisses him behind his ear, making him skip a step and stumble, Liam catching him with a grin and a hand around the waist. “Would you look at that? Seems two can play this game.” Zayn doesn’t say anything in response, but Liam sees he has his thinking face on, so he starts preparing for whatever is brewing in that beautiful mind he loves so well.

***

They find that Niall and Shawn are seated halfway down the right side of the guests, on the outside away from most of the family. They make their way over gradually, Liam stopping every few feet to talk to another relative while Zayn waits (im)patiently for him to move along. Zayn has fun with it though, sneaking in little tickles or hand brushes to sensitive areas at every opportunity to make Liam blush and squirm the entire time. Most of the relatives ignore him anyway, despite Liam introducing (or in some cases re-introducing) them to every single one of them. Zayn doesn’t mind though. The relatives he actually likes are all seated similarly to Shawn and Niall, away from the rest and just waiting for the ceremony to be over. Looks like Liam’s cousin Neta and her partner Claud are near where they’re headed, and that brings a smile to Zayn’s face. He points them out to Liam when they wave before turning back into each other to gossip. Zayn has barely been paying attention to any of these conversations, but Liam is an expert at small talk. Instead, Zayn continues to take every opportunity to distract him as subtly as possible. At one point he slips his hand under Liam’s suit and slides a few fingers under his waistband for a moment, one finger just grazing the top of his ass,  and giggles when Liam chokes mid sentence. After that Liam makes his excuse with the rest of the relatives and steers Zayn quickly towards their destination. Liam knows better than anyone that when Zayn is in the mood for mischief, there’s little that can be done besides just letting it happen. But secretly he loves every single second of the teasing, feeling a flutter in his stomach and a warmth in his chest each time.

Once they’re finally walking up to the open seats next to Niall they hear, “Oh good, my parents are here,” accompanied by a bright smile and sparkling blue eyes. Shawn is visibly confused, looking between the now ecstatic Niall and the new arrivals. “I’m lost. Someone explain this joke to me like I’m 5.” Niall sets a hand on his knee and gives it a quick squeeze, eyes darting to Shawn’s lips before looking back at Z and Liam.

Liam laughs in response, saying, “It’s good to see you, Shawn. Haven’t had the chance since you two got back from your trip to Cooperstown. How’ve you been?” Zayn takes the seat next to Niall, Liam settling in on his other side, both turned to continue their conversation.

“Never been better, but you already know that. I’m surprised Niall was able to wait until that brunch to tell you all. The codependency is both charming and expected at this point.” Shawn may look innocent, but he’s as sarcastic as the rest of them when he wants to be. “And you brought Zayn, thank god. I don’t even know most of the family here, so at least we’ll have the two of you to hang out with. My parents and sister are over there somewhere. Not even sure where right now.” Shawn giggles, his eyes focusing briefly on Niall before looking back at the others.

“He didn’t even invite me. Can you imagine? Had to hear about it from Karen.” Zayn swats Liam on the chest and grins at his offended, “Ow!” Liam dramatically rubs the spot where Zayn touched, but there’s a fond smile on his face and he’s staring at Zayn just slightly too long. Shawn raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.

“So what’s the deal? How out loud are you two allowed to be today? Don’t want to cause any problems for you, obviously.” Zayn makes it clear his question is for both Niall and Shawn to answer, looking back and forth between them. Shawn sighs and squeezes Niall’s arm briefly before answering. Niall looks at the ground and fidgets his hands in his lap.

“We can’t say anything, at least not yet, to the extended family. But obviously my parents are aware. And my sister. But I’m not about to ask all 160 people here to sign an NDA so we may just have to sneak away later on. Wouldn’t mind that, would we?” Shawn slides his hand onto Niall’s knee and whispers something into his ear that makes Niall look at Shawn like he’s the only person who exists in the entire world, his eyes shining, biting his bottom lip and tapping his fingertips on Shawn’s hand so briefly that only the four of them could notice.

“I’m so happy to see you two together, you have no idea.” Liam is nothing but sincere. “And you’re one of us now, Shawn. Welcome to our big, dysfunctional family. Oh! That also explains your question from earlier. Niall is obviously a child, what with how he carries on. So Zayn and I have to change his diapers and put him down for his naps when he gets cranky. H feeds him at regular intervals and Lou handles the discipline when he gets in trouble at school.”

“Good practice for our little ones someday, I suppose.” Zayn says, only mostly joking. He stares at Liam so openly happy that Liam takes his hand and kisses his knuckles before resting their hands in his lap and tracing over Zayn’s finger tattoos with his thumb. They’re both unashamedly staring now, bright smiles and warm eyes.

Immediately Niall freezes and whispers, “Shawn, babe, this is very important. I need you to entertain these two for about 30 seconds.” Niall pulls out his phone and starts typing furiously.

Niall: THEY ARE IN LOVE

Niall: IT’S SO

Niall: THEY’RE SO

Niall: I can’t even sneak a picture to show you

Niall: Unbelievable, honestly

H: The bride and groom? I hope so?

Niall: NO NOT THEM

Lou: context, Neil

Niall: OUR IDIOTS

Niall: IN LOVE

Niall: RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

H: dslkfjsdlkjfdslkjfdslkjfdslkjfldskjfds

H: Details, Niall! Focus.

Lou: fucking finally

Lou: what’d they say?

Niall: They haven’t said anything but OH MY GOD

Niall: You should SEE them

H: Spill. Everything.

Niall: THEY’RE HOLDING HANDS

Lou: They cuddle all the time

Lou: That’s not new

Niall: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

Niall: THEY’RE STARING AND THERE ARE HEART EYES

Niall: And I think when they were talking to a random I saw Zayn slip his hand into Liam’s pants

Niall: Whatever he did Liam fucking choked and brought him over here instead

Lou: Well that’s progress at least

H: What else?

Niall: And there’s been a lot of teasing. More than their usual amount.

Niall: There was a joke about having children. Except I DON’T THINK IT WAS A JOKE.

Lou: They’re already talking about kids? And they aren’t technically together?

Lou: Shit.

H: But both of their posts on instagram today. Are you sure they aren’t together?

H: Or maybe they’re both waiting for the other person to like make a move or something?

Lou: Z won’t answer their phone.

Lou: Fuck.

H: Niall try to find out if they figured it out yet.

Niall: gotta go Shawn’s only so good at distracting them

“Niall, why is Louis calling me?” Zayn asks about ten seconds later, turning his phone to show him the screen. “And again? And why is Harry trying to facetime me at the exact same time?”

“Why isn’t anyone calling me?” Liam pouts at Zayn who rolls his eyes before silencing his phone and tucking it into his pocket.

“No idea, mate. But don’t answer. Wedding’s about to start and all that.” Niall is a terrible liar and they all know it. “Oh fuck me, I was kidding but it really is. Alright everybody shut up.”

They all turn to face the front where the groom and his retinue are waiting expectantly for the bridal party to walk down the aisle. The groom is in a basic black suit, pale gold waistcoat, black bowtie, and a white rose on his lapel. His entourage are all in identical black suits with black ties and pale gold pocket squares. “I was gonna make a men in black joke but I think that film is actually more diverse than the wedding party by having exactly one Will Smith in it.” Zayn says to Liam, loud enough for Niall to giggle and Liam to shush him through his smile.

When the string quartet starts into A Thousand Years Zayn groans and whispers “Someone tell the straights they need to pick a new song. Shit’s embarrassing at this point.” Liam tries so hard not to laugh that his entire body is shaking and Niall barks a laugh once before composing himself. Liam thinks that maybe putting Zayn in the middle wasn’t the best idea given his history of performing entire comedic routines during the weddings of distant relatives.

The bridal party makes their way down the aisle, dressed in a pale yellow that matches the groom’s side of the wedding party with bouquets of red roses. “The colours are alright.” Zayn says. “But barefoot? I would quit the wedding. Take notes, boys. Shoes mandatory at our weddings.” Niall pretends to type it into his phone before Shawn reaches over and stops him with a gentle, “Niall.” Liam is still just doing his best to hold it together.

Once the wedding party is all in place at the altar in front of the bandstand the quartet starts into Pachelbel’s Canon in D. Immediately Liam puts his hand over Zayn’s mouth and says, “Don’t.” Niall giggles again and even Shawn starts breaking, his shoulders shaking in a silent laugh. Zayn removes Liam’s hand from his mouth by licking it, to which Liam smirks and wipes his hand on Zayn’s cheek. “Zayn, behave. My cousin is having her moment.” They all turn to watch the Bride walk down the aisle with both of her parents. She looks absolutely stunning in a custom ivory Kate Halfpenny gown, a 3 yard train following them down the aisle.

“Are the three of you actually crying right now?” Shawn asks, genuinely surprised. Niall has just wiped away a tear, and the other two aren’t much better.

“Shut it, Canada. I’m crying about how expensive this wedding is.” Zayn says, sniffling through his tears. “Think of the starving children.”

The other wedding guests nearby have caught on and Liam hears at least 3 other people start laughing along. He’s torn between pride and a need to stop it before Zayn really gets into the jokes. He decides on a middle ground when he feels Zayn getting ready for a quip about the officiant’s appearance, which is ridiculously similar to the infamous minister from The Princess Bride.

Reaching under Zayn’s coat and giving a gentle squeeze to his waist, Liam whispers against his cheek, “Z, I know. I saw him too. But I’m one good joke away from wetting myself so I need you to do me a favour.” He pauses to make sure Zayn is paying attention. “If you keep the jokes to a minimum, I’ll have a surprise for you when things get to be too much with my family later.” He drops a soft kiss on Zayn’s cheekbone before turning his attention back to the front.

“I’ll do my best, babe. Not my fault I’m a chaotic bisexual and this is the most tragically straight wedding of the decade. The jokes write themselves.” Zayn mumbles into Liam’s ear, making Liam squeeze Zayn’s waist a bit tighter and look down at the ground to try to keep himself composed. Just when he thinks it’s safe to pay attention again…

“Okay but did anyone notice the taxidermied doves on Aunt Patricia yet? Remind me to get her number. Fit.”  Zayn decides that’s enough for now when Liam has to actually bite his own hand to control himself and Niall collapses with his hands over his mouth and his head between his knees while Shawn is wiping away tears of laughter and rubbing Niall’s back between his shoulders. Taking the piss out of heteronormative weddings is one of Zayn’s favourite pastimes. He puts his arm comfortably around the back of Liam’s chair, smiling when Liam leans into his side.

The remainder of the ceremony passes without major incident, Zayn containing himself for Liam’s sake. He only riffs on the use of the Corinthians verse with, “Never heard this one before. Is it new?” which is incredibly tame by his standards. And he stops himself entirely from commenting on the weird remarks about the couple’s fertility, knowing they’re a bit crass for the middle of the ceremony and he can use them later when everyone’s had a few and more likely to find it charmingly blasphemous. He just squeezes Liam’s knee to let him know he’s showing an incredible amount of restraint.

Liam spends most of the ceremony daydreaming, thinking about his future, their future, and hoping a wedding is going to be part of it. Certainly not one like this. Neither of them would want that. But something small, just the five of them and their respective families. Zayn in a beautiful red suit, a bridal moment to match the mandala tattoos he’s always wanted, looking like an absolute vision worthy of the gods. Liam doesn’t care what he’s going to wear, only cares that he’ll get to be the one to stand by Zayn in front of everyone they love and cry through the whole thing. Liam knows there won’t be a single dry eye that day. The whole extended family is ridiculously weepy at the best of times. It’s all so clear, and he knows they’re so close to being there. Their whole future is finally in reach, and Liam starts to tear up while thinking about it.

Zayn reaches up and wipes Liam’s tears with a fond smile and a knowing look. But when it gets to the sentimental part, and the bride and groom get ready to read their vows, Zayn’s shocked out of the moment when Liam leans over and whispers in his ear, “Already have mine written. Revise them once a year just to make sure they’re ready.” Liam keeps his head on Zayn’s shoulder after that, waiting for the response he knows is being calculated by the moment.

When the vows are over, and the couple have kissed to “make it official” or whatever it is the straights do, Zayn finally moves Liam from his shoulder, grabs his face in both hands and stares into his soul to say, “I’m actually going to kill you for saying that while we’re surrounded by your family and randoms. I will deal with you later.” He seems to struggle with himself for a moment, searching Liam’s eyes and studying his lips before letting go of Liam’s face and tuning back into reality.

The bride and groom are walking back down the aisle followed by their wedding party, all attempting to walk in time to the song and failing, the quartet now playing The Wedding March. “This is the best choreography I’ve ever seen.” Zayn says at a normal volume, and Niall, Shawn, and Liam all finally break, properly laughing and clutching at their stomachs. At least the rest of the guests are already cheering and clapping in celebration as the wedding party makes their way so Zayn gets away with it with a proud smile and a hand on Liam’s back.

Things calm a bit and all the guests start to leave their spots and move over to the cocktail hour. Niall and Shawn excuse themselves to go spend time with Shawn’s family, Niall reminding them to find them in a bit. Zayn and Liam retake their seats while everyone else clears out. Taking Liam’s hand in his, Zayn puts his other hand on Liam’s cheek to hold his attention. “The light-soaked days are coming.”

Liam smiles bright, absolutely glowing with hope. “Never been more sure of that.” They sit that way for another minute, Zayn dropping his right hand from Liam’s cheek to turn and sit facing forward again. They relax back in their chairs and stare at the now empty wedding altar together, hand in hand, both lost in their thoughts about the future.

“You still want those mandala tattoos?” Liam asks quietly, thumb brushing over Zayn’s left hand while he wonders aloud.

“Well, you already went ahead and got the roses, so I think you know the answer to that one, Li.” Zayn turns his head and grins at Liam, head relaxed against the back of his seat.

“Total coincidence. Not like roses hold any special meaning for me.” Liam smiles back and they both take another moment just to get lost in each other’s eyes while the world moves around them. It’s a beautiful day and they’re in no rush to ruin it with small talk and mediocre finger foods.

But eventually they can’t ignore that they’re the last ones left in their seats and that the pull of familial responsibility is calling to them. “Time to go be with the others?” Zayn asks, letting out a sigh while he searches Liam’s face.

“Yeah. Should probably get it over with…I’m really glad you came with me.” Liam leans forward and kisses Zayn high up on his cheekbone. He doesn’t pull away after, both of them momentarily frozen, so close, so incredibly aware of how their cheeks are touching, their hands still linked, their chests placed together, their breath warm against the other’s face. They fit like this. But there’s people around and it doesn’t feel like the time now either. Because they deserve to give that moment the time and space it deserves, not rush through it to go deal with drunk relatives. So Liam does pull back and stands up, taking Zayn with him by the hand. Zayn glances back at the ceremony space one more time as they walk away, tucking away the memory with all the rest.

While Zayn and Liam reluctantly make their way over to where Nicola and Ruth have sequestered themselves away at a table, Liam’s cousin Neta stops them.

“Liam, if you don’t fucking lock this down, I am kicking you out of the family.” Neta glances at where their hands are still joined between them with a knowing smirk. “I was sat behind you lot with Claud and that’s the most fun I’ve had at one of these in ten years.” Turning her attention to Zayn now, she adds, “Save a dance for me later, yeah?”

“I’ll do my best, but I might be a bit busy. Occupied. Otherwise engaged…” Zayn trails off with a wink, turning his head to mumble, “Just something to consider,” into Liam’s ear.

“Zayn, I swear to god…” Liam mutters under his breath, squeezing his hand tightly and looking up at the sky as if expecting deliverance.

Neta ignores Liam and keeps chatting with Zayn instead. “And Claud wants to commiserate about marrying into this family over drinks sometime. Give us a DM and we’ll set something up, because I’ll forget otherwise.” Neta starts walking away to join Claud in the queue for the bar and points at Liam to say, “Take care of Zayn. They’re the best of us.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 5

Once the ceremony space is cleared of guests and they’ve all migrated to the cocktail hour in one of the other gardens, there is no avoiding the extended family. Luckily, Nicola and Ruth have saved room to join their table for a while, the kind of foresight from his elder sisters that Liam is always glad of.

“Hello, dear brother of mine. Zayn. Glad you two could finally join us.” Nicola says as they reach their standing table. She and Ruth already have a glass of cabernet each, leaning on their elbows while they gossip about the family.

“The ceremony ended like six minutes ago, Nic. And Zayn here was being fawned over by Neta, so we’ve been busy.” Liam loves to banter with his sisters, especially when he’s in this good of a mood. “You two missed some true comedy from Z today. Should’ve sat by us.”

“Got tracked down by mum and dad before we could. They wanted a shield from Aunt Patricia. Can’t say I blame them.” Ruth answers while swirling her wine glass.

“That is a stand out hat, that is. Real art.” Zayn says with a smirk, bumping Liam’s hip with his own.

“Right, but the officiant. We were all thinking it.” Nicola says looking around the table. In unison they all say, “Mawwiage!” Immediately followed by uncontrollable laughter from the whole group.

Once the laughter dies down Liam turns Zayn’s head with a finger under his chin and asks, “What do you want? I’ll go get our drinks while you hang here.” Liam moves his hand to rest on Zayn’s back while waiting for his answer, his attention completely focused on the way Zayn’s eyes are sparkling in the late afternoon sun.

“Pick a wine, preferably a white like a Riesling or just something light. Or whatever you want we can share. Thanks, babe.” Zayn kisses Liam on the cheek before he steps away. He turns back to the Payne sisters once Liam walks away and laughs at the smug expression on their faces.

“I’m all set Liam, thanks for asking!” Ruth calls after her brother, which makes all three of them giggle. “Well, Zayn, I see he’s even more whipped for you than usual. Any particular reason for that?”

“Yes, please, do tell. Love to hear you talk your way out of this one.” Nicola pokes him in the cheek and laughs when he cringes away before taking another sip of her wine. “Are you two done burying your heads in the sand? Do I finally get to introduce you as my brother in law? You about to be a Payne?”

“First of all, I’m already a Payne. Mum would be cross to hear you say otherwise. Second, bold of you to assume your brother won’t be a Malik. Third, never introduce me at all. I defy explanation. I contain multitudes. I am unknowable.” Zayn stares Nicola down while speaking and adds, “But I’m working on it. We’re getting there, just give us a bit more time. If I can be patient my whole fucking life you can wait a bit longer.”

“Fine, but I want in the wedding party. And I’m picking my own outfit.” Ruth huffs. “I’ve been planning for this since Louis and Harry’s wedding and that was like eight years ago. You lot are taking too long to settle down. Oh god, imagine Niall’s wedding! Proper Irish and all. Gonna be amazing.”

“Don’t let Niall hear you talking about that yet. He scares easy ever since Victoria.” Nicola reminds her sister with a fleeting glance at where Niall and Shawn are chatting with some of Shawn’s distant relatives. “But Liam, we can mock him endlessly until the day it finally happens. It’s practically our duty as his wise older sisters. Already married and that.”

“Be my guest. But I don’t think he’ll be needing much convincing.” Zayn smiles to himself, looking down at his hands. He knows how Liam feels about him. It’s just about the timing.

“Of course not, Z. You’re the best person I know, and anyone would be absolutely phenomenally lucky to be with you.” Ruth reaches out and grabs Zayn’s hand while she finishes her thought. “But, and I will deny it if you ever tell him I said this, I think my brother might be the only person who deserves you.”

Zayn looks at Ruth and Nicolla in turn, truly beaming. “It’s not about deserving me, but he certainly takes care of me. I know it’s taken this long because we both had a lot we needed to work on personally, and he’s a bit terrified of hurting me in any possible way. Which is totally fair because I wasn’t ready for anything serious for a long time. Well, most of my life, if we’re honest.” Zayn pauses for a moment, remembering those times like a phantom pain, still there but not in focus. “But Liam knows I’m good now, and if he doesn’t know how I feel about him…I’ve never been very subtle. And we’ve talked about it before. Wrote all three of my books for him, and probably all the rest that I’ll ever write. He’s my world, and always has been. Fucking love him, so much, you’ve no idea. It’s not a question of if we’re together, just when.” Zayn is slightly teary now, and he sees he’s not alone. Nicola and Ruth love their brother and they’ve always known it was going to be him and Zayn, since they were kids. They tease him, but they can see how he and Zayn love each other, the way they’ve always chosen each other, never a doubt that they match.

“What are you all crying about?” They all wipe their eyes quickly when Liam returns to the table, two glasses of wine set down as he rejoins the conversation. He shifts behind Zayn and hugs him tight, his hands around Zayn’s waist, and his head resting on Zayn’s shoulder. “Were they being mean to you, babe?” He looks at the side of Zayn’s face and sees a watery smile, hoping those are happy tears. 

“What did I just tell you two about him protecting me?” Zayn rolls his eyes fondly while looking at them across the table. “I’ll always be safe as long as Liam’s around.” 

“Damn right you will. Who are we fighting?” Liam gives Zayn a squeeze before moving to stand on his left.

“No one yet, but keep that energy. You know how some of the Uncles get and I don’t know what to expect from the other half of this guest list.” Nicola turns her head to look off to her right. “We should probably all disperse, do our rounds, get it over with. Ruth, you’re coming with me since we didn’t bring the husbands or kids. You’re my buffer.”

“Fat lot of help that’ll be when I’m the one throwing hands, but alright.” Ruth says before picking up her drink and following Nicola towards their grandparents.

“Come on, Zayn. You can just tag along, but we actually like a few of these people so let’s walk around. And if it gets to be too much, just tell me, yeah?” Liam waits for Zayn’s answer before doing anything.

“Alright. But like full honesty, Liam. I am a bit fragile after last night. So I’ll let you do all the talking, and if I need to take a break I’ll tell you. I can always find Niall and skive off.” Zayn isn’t looking at Liam, focusing instead on a lawn ornament just to have something to see, but he’s not surprised when Liam pulls him into a tight hug. They stand there like that for half a minute, just holding each other, Liam gently rubbing a hand over Zayn’s upper back. They don’t need to talk. Sometimes they just need to be surrounded by each other.

Liam steps back from their hug, takes Zayn’s hand, and leads him away into the crowd, a glass of wine in each of their free hands, and thank god for that because Zayn has a feeling they’re going to need it.

***

Surprisingly, cocktail hour doesn’t go too poorly, at least not for the first half. Liam keeps them surrounded by the good relatives, the ones who encourage Liam’s work as a queer historian and who fight with the conservative contingent at family holidays, and when their favourites are busy talking amongst themselves, with the neutral ones. Zayn feels comfortable around this group and he relaxes a bit, sipping on his wine, and leaning on Liam when he needs comfort. Liam loves having Zayn at his side, brags about Zayn’s writing, and handles all of the conversation while keeping an eye on Zayn.

While talking to a Payne cousin and his wife, Liam mentions that Zayn has just finished another book. Apparently this was news to the man (despite having known Zayn through the Paynes since childhood, meeting him several times, and being Neta’s older brother). “A writer? Really?” He looks Zayn up and down in disbelief, evaluating everything from his arm casually around Liam’s waist to his skin colour, and doing the predictable bigotted calculations that Zayn is used to by now. “Anything I would’ve read?”

Zayn smirks at Liam briefly before giving the man his own once-over. He takes a beat before tilting his head at the man’s general milquetoast cishet vibes to answer, “You? Unlikely.” Zayn then glances over at the woman he’s married to with a wink that makes her blush. “Don’t think you’d come across it in your church group’s recommended reading list.”

And that’s Liam’s cue. “Oh, Zayn, I’ve just seen Gran. We’ll have to catch her before she wanders off again.” Zayn laughs softly while taking another sip of his wine, Liam starting to turn him away from the conversation with a practised guiding hand on his back. “Lovely seeing you both again.” Liam adds over his shoulder.

“That was my best behaviour, and you can’t say otherwise.” Zayn whispers into Liam’s ear while they wander vaguely in the direction of Liam’s gran. “The shock on his face to think that I could have the audacity to be an intellectual? Honestly.”

“His fucking loss. You are exceptional.” Liam gives Zayn a brief kiss on his temple as they walk up to his Gran. “Alright, Gran? Told you we’d find you later.”

“Leroy! So glad you brought Zayn!” Liam’s grandma reaches for Zayn, a few drinks in and without a chaperone. She holds Zayn tight for a moment before stepping back to hold him at arm's length and nodding approvingly.

“You, she remembers.” Liam mumbles to Zayn who lets out a giggle while moving back into Liam’s side. Gran smiles as she sees them fit together automatically.

“Always great to see you.” Zayn answers Geoff’s mom with a smile. She’s always made an effort to include Zayn, even if she can’t remember the names of most of her own family members or the location of her husband, even as he walks over to join them with a brief kiss to his wife’s cheek.

“Zayn, Liam. Good to see you. You’re looking smart.” Geoff’s dad embraces Liam and claps a hand on Zayn’s shoulder. “So…you two going to be next?”

“Ask your grandson.” Zayn answers, tilting his head toward Liam who splutters, turning red. Zayn pats him on the back while he recovers, seemingly innocent. Liam avoids the question because oh my god what does Zayn possibly expect him to do with that? This is not the moment.

“Phil, take me to our table. These young ones tire me out.” Gran winks at Zayn before turning back to her husband and leaning on his arm. Zayn’s always thought that maybe her bad hearing was a bit of an act. “Love you, Levi. Zayn, you be good to my grandson.” She waves vaguely over her shoulder while Phil guides her into the reception hall, the two of them some of the first to head indoors.

They take a break from socialising for a minute and catch their breath, spending some time people watching and setting aside their mostly empty wine glasses. Niall and Shawn seem to be engaged in a conversation with one of Shawn’s relatives, Niall’s knuckles white where they’re holding tight to his wine glass. Before he can step in, Liam sees Shawn’s younger sister greet them, putting a hand on Niall’s shoulder as she joins the conversation. “Looks like we’re not the only ones worried about them today.” Zayn says as an aside, his attention also focused on their friends.

After a few minutes, they decide to brave the masses again, finding only their favourite people now that their social batteries are running low. The afternoon had been proceeding so smoothly, but the other shoe had to drop at some point. While chatting with Neta, Claud, and Geoff, a conversation from the group to their right filters over. With each statement all of their posture tenses, but none more so than Zayn. Liam immediately stops talking to listen in, knowing one of them will have to deal with this soon.

“Fucking immigrants. This is England! England!” Uncle Piers is clearly already well on his way to being drunk, but he would be saying the same things sober. “Got plenty of decent, hardworking Englishmen who are fighting for their jobs. I say we tighten restrictions. Farage had some good ideas a few years back.”

“Glad we’ve got Boris in charge now. Man of the people, he is. Knows what’s what.” One of the men from the groom’s side of the family seems to have met his racist, uneducated soulmate in Piers.

“And you know it’s not just the good ones that are getting in. Low skill, uneducated, and with those terrifying outfits. The way they treat their women, truly appalling. And what’s the screening, huh? Bet they haven’t thought of that. Idiots.” 

“Brexit is a right mess, though. Should’ve been handled by now. Time for an independent England. The EU wants to tell us what to do while taking all of our money? Absolutely not. Terrible.”

“At least we can close the borders. But what about the trash already here? Fucking fairies everywhere. Absolutely disgusting.”

“Makes me want to vomit. Saw the neighbour kid wearing a skirt last week. But don’t worry, I set him straight. Let him know what’s what.”

“Good on you! Clearly his parents aren’t the right sort. D’you sort them out?”

“Marched over to that house and gave that kid a lesson. Tore that dress right off him and marched up to the front door with it. When they opened the door, saw the father had nail varnish on. Imagine my shock! Never seen anything like it. Let him know where his kid was headed if they didn’t do something about it. Told them to give him a good smack next time he acted soft. Ought to do the trick.”

They’ve all finally had enough. Zayn looks ready to explode, Geoff’s face is completely red with anger, and Neta and Claud look physically ill.

“Dad.” Liam tilts his head in their direction and says, “I’ll be there in a sec.” Geoff walks over in that direction to start handling the situation, Neta and Claud heading inside. “Zayn, look at me. Look in my eyes…I got this. I’ll handle it. I do this for a living, remember? I know how to handle this garbage now.” He has Zayn’s face in his hands, knowing he’s having a hard time focusing right now. Zayn feels like he left his body at some point and all he feels is anger and pain underneath a layer of numb detachment. If Liam’s hands weren’t holding him, he doesn’t think he’d be feeling anything right now.

“A fucking kid, Liam. He fucking traumatized that kid and no one can undo that. Doesn’t matter - I - what kind of person-” Zayn has tears of anger in his eyes and Liam knows he’s close to breaking in front of everyone. “I know, babe, I know. Let me handle it with dad. Don’t waste your energy on them, they don’t deserve it. I’m the one unfortunately related to that excuse for a person.” Liam still has Zayn’s face in his hands and wipes away the tears that have started to fall and waits until Zayn focuses back on Liam before letting go.

“Here. Take this and find Niall. I assume he and Shawn are having as much fun as we are right now.” He reaches a hand into the inner pocket of his suit jacket and pulls out a cigarette tin and a lighter. “I’ll come join you once we’ve calmed everyone down and those two are sorted. Might even be able to find out which neighbour and reach out to the parents…” Liam pulls him into a hug and says, “I love you, Zayn. I know how personal this is, and I’ll take care of it. I promise. Go find Niall and hide out behind the house for a bit. Text me if you need me sooner, I’ll come find you.” Liam holds Zayn close for a moment longer and whispers in his ear, “I’ve got you, Zayn. I’m not going anywhere.”

Zayn nods into Liam’s neck, breathes in deeply, and kisses Liam’s neck softly saying, “Thank you. Love you, Liam. Always.” Before pulling away to go find Niall.

***

After glancing around the garden and seeing Niall absolutely nowhere, Zayn wanders behind the house, finding Niall already there looking like he wants to drown himself in the pond. “Fuck, Niall. Why didn’t you come find me?”

Zayn rushes over to where Niall is leaning against the wall and hugs him tightly, “Where’s Shawn? Why are you back here alone?” Niall doesn’t answer right away, just hugs Zayn back and sways them on the spot. Zayn may be going through his own shit, but he can recognize that he has Liam and it looks like Niall is, at least currently, alone. He lets Niall exist with him for a minute, holding him but not breaking the moment. Sometimes Niall just needs someone to be with him while he processes what he’s feeling.

“Fucking hate weddings, mate.” Is what Niall finally manages to say into Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn pulls back to look at Niall and say, “Yeah, I know. Fuck, you know I know. You’ve got good reason, especially right now. This shit pisses me off. I’m guessing you thought this through, knowing you. Why the fuck did you agree to come?”

They both sit down on the lawn, turned away from the house, taking in the landscape but not really seeing any of it. 

“Same reason as you. This is my family now, too. I knew that and all that came with it before we got together. Gotta get used to it sooner or later.” Niall shrugs but looks completely defeated. “Actually it was Karen that sent me over the edge. No! Not like that!” Niall quickly reassures Zayn when he sees his horrified expression. “No, she’s absolutely lovely as always. So glad you have her. Anyway. She hasn’t officially met Shawn yet and she said, ‘Now where’s that young man of yours. I need to welcome him to the extended family.’ And Shawn was over with some distant relatives, lying through his teeth about his life and his music and all the rest. And I know he has to. I fucking know. It’s not negotiable at this point. But I wanted to just pull him over to Karen and let them meet properly, no fucking barriers of ‘Don’t look too romantic. Don’t hold his hand. Pretend you’re just mates.’ I don’t like seeing Shawn have to hide when it’s not his choice. And I feel dirty letting it happen right in front of me.”

Niall pauses to breathe and Zayn rubs his back comfortingly while Niall stares out at the lawn. Zayn takes another minute before answering. “You know what H would say right now?”

“Oh I can guess well enough. I’ve had about eight breakdowns over dinner at theirs recently. Always saying, ‘You can’t change other people, Ni. But you can love who you love and have that be enough.’ And I know that makes sense and it’s true. But it still fucking hurts, mate. The world is fucking broken.”

“The world may be broken, and we may be broken pieces of a broken world, but there’s still love worth having and people worth fighting for.” Zayn also looks out over the distance, trying to see what Niall is seeing. “You’re worth fighting for Niall. And so is Shawn. And so are Louis and Harry. And I would die for Liam.” Niall smirks at that while Zayn continues, “We can’t do much about the world at large, but I can write what I write, and Liam can educate the next generation, and you can be an out and proud athlete, and H can inspire his following, and Louis continues to be the gayest man in English football. That matters. All of that matters. It doesn’t fix today, but it gives you something to hold onto until it is better. And it will get better. God I sound so fucking cliche but you have to know it’s not forever. We have to remember that or what the fuck is the point of us or anything?”

“I know. Like logically I understand. Just having a crisis. And I think it’s been earned. As always.” Niall laughs before sitting quietly for a minute. “Thanks, mate. Having you here is making this bearable. But what were you looking for me for?”

“Liam sent me away before I ended a few relatives. Told me he’d handle it. I know he will, he’s so much better about it than I am. Always has been.” Zayn smiles softly, remembering all the times Liam has stood up for him through the years. And all the times he’s stood up for Liam when he wasn’t willing to fight for himself. Things are so different now, Liam managing absolutely awful people with grace and efficiency. Zayn will always be in awe of how well Liam deals with the pain he confronts in the world.

“You know what else will help?” Zayn pulls out what Liam handed over with a smile. “Liam brought these for us to share, the generous, thoughtful bastard. I’m gonna fucking marry him, I swear. Don’t make that face, I know you already texted Lou and H about us earlier. You’re a terrible liar. But I’ll forgive you if you light one up with me and help me be those racist homophobes’ worst nightmares all wrapped into one person.”

“Can’t argue with that.” Niall smiles and takes the tin from Zayn. “We’re sharing though. Neither of us can afford to pull a whitey tonight.”

“True. Now hurry up and get a move on. I want to go explore the house before Liam notices we aren’t back here anymore.”

***

Significantly calmer and each half a joint higher, Zayn and Niall walk in through the back door of the house, spot the wedding party taking pictures in the ballroom, and scurry up the stairs, past the roped off sign. The staircase would be breathtaking if they took the time to actually look at it, covered in intricate carvings and clearly handcrafted.

“Alright, Ireland. Where do we start? Honeymoon suite?” Zayn turns to Niall, letting him choose their adventure. “All I care about is finding the library before we get caught.”

“Oh, honeymoon suite is a must. And I just know they’ve got some weird shit hidden around this place. Hoping for a taxidermied bird, presumably something extinct, given the time period. How long d’you think we have?” Niall is scanning the area, deciding where to begin.

“I give it ten minutes before anyone notices. I’ll owe you twenty quid if we find the ghost of a Dickensian orphan in one of these wardrobes.” Zayn starts towards the nearest door, opens it to find a dressing room full of wedding day preparations, and closes it again after only a moment. “Nothing fun here. Next.”

Niall opens the door across the hall, frowns at the innards of a broom cupboard, then turns his attention to the other end of the corridor. They try two more rooms, finding one is completely empty for pictures and the other is a small guest room. Still not what they’re searching for.

“I’ll bet the honeymoon suite is end of the hall. Look at that door. Practically asking for a blood sacrifice for entry.” Niall walks determinedly down the hall, Zayn following right behind with a grin.

“Fucking jackpot, mate. Good eye, Ni.” Zayn opens the door to what Niall has correctly identified as the honeymoon suite. “Right, I don’t want to fuck anything up, but where’s the en suite. I gotta know what they’re stocking for the special night. I looked up how expensive this place is, so I’m expecting a Rolls Royce hid in the tub.”

“Right. So we’ll just ignore the rose petals on the bed, the hand carved Georgian writing desk, the magnificent antique fireplace, and head for the loo. At least you have your priorities sorted.” Niall rolls his eyes, but doesn’t argue. “What’ve we got, Z?”

“Stunningly boring, I’m afraid.” Zayn calls to Niall who wanders over to join him. “Extra loo roll, sanitary products, shampoo that costs more than my rent, and only a few fun bits. Not even anything flavoured. Shockingly tasteful, if I’m honest. Was hoping for something a bit more exciting, maybe a vibrator or some beads. It’s not like most people getting married will have thought to pack that in their overnight, especially the abysmally straight pair we witnessed not an hour ago.”

“That ceremony could’ve been in a Hallmark film, mark my words.” Niall opens a few drawers but finds them all empty. “I bet the wedding planner took that deposit, sat with a tub of ice cream on the sofa, and just wrote down everything from whatever wedding happened to come across the screen…That truly is an inordinate amount of lube. Did whoever stocked this think it was about to be an orgy of exceptionally dry orifices? I pity their sex life.”

“Probably learned everything they know from our beloved British schooling system. Or they’re one of those ‘not til the wedding night types’ which I accept as valid, though I doubt it’s practicality. Regardless I’m taking a few of these for later. They definitely don’t need this much. Here, catch.” Zayn throws a handful of lube packets and a few condoms at Niall while placing a few in the inside pocket of his suit coat. “Never know when you’ll need to be prepared.” Zayn winks at Niall and laughs when he tilts his head to the side, raising his eyebrows in agreement.

“Thank god we booked a hotel for this trip. I love the Paynes but they don’t need to know what Shawn and I get up to, and we definitely won’t be keeping quiet.” Niall laughs loudly before saying, “What the fuck are you and Liam gonna do? Cuz after watching that spectacle today, there’s no way you’re gonna last another night without fucking like rabbits. It’s just facts.”

“Don’t think I can argue with you there. It’s practically all I can think about these days. Have you seen Liam? Like really looked at him? Because I have. Want to lick every single muscle on his body, I swear to god. And it doesn’t help that he’s fucking smart as shit, which might be the most fit thing about him. He could recite a sonnet from memory while fucking me into another dimension…Not that I’ve thought about that.” Zayn flushes slightly while Niall cackles and slaps a hand on his shoulder.

“Good to know you’ve got it all planned out. You and Payno deserve a healthy sex life. The two most attractive people I know and you end up with each other. Now, we should probably leave before someone finds us here.” Niall takes another moment to glance around the room while Zayn examines the writing desk. No way he was going to leave without giving it some attention. He snaps a picture to show Liam, and maybe to include in his next book as a character detail.

Niall intrudes on his concentration to ask, “Looking for the study, yeah? Probably on the ground floor.”

“Good point. You find a bird yet?” Zayn asks as they leave quietly, carefully closing the door to the suite behind them.

“Nah, but my money’s on some kind of gallery room attached to the study with all the weird shit they’d steal on their travels abroad. Gotta be at least a bird or two in there.” Niall nearly runs into a hall table, Zayn tugging him away at the last moment.

“Might be tough to sneak into a room downstairs, but we’ve had plenty of practice. Wish we had Lou with us. He’s the best at this.” Zayn starts down the stairs with Niall close behind. They manage to slip out from behind the rope without any staff members noticing, and turn to go behind the stairwell and explore the rest of the main level.

They find the study on the third try and it’s currently empty. “First person to find a book by an author with melanin wins.” Zayn says when they walk in and start looking around. Unfortunately, it’s almost exactly the type of library that Zayn has always wanted someday, but his would be a little more…homey. More inviting, warmer, less like a museum. He and Liam already have enough books for a small library, but someday he’d love a room just for all their books, where they could spend their rainy afternoons, their quiet winter nights, and everything in between.

“We’re gonna be in here all night, mate. Can’t I just find a gay author for now and consider that a small victory?” Niall is walking around the other side of the room, scanning the titles with precision. Zayn smiles, thinking he’s sufficiently distracted Niall from the mess of earlier.

“No. Every rich British person owns Wilde. They get to be homophobic 99% of the time, but then they want to read Dorian Grey and feel smart so they make the exception. And they’ve always got leather bound Shakespeare, as if he wasn’t a fruit and a half.” Zayn is now crouched down by the floor searching the lowest shelf. “Alright, nothing on this side. Yours?” Before Niall can answer, the door creaks open slowly and both Niall and Zayn freeze.

“Knew I would find you here.” Liam says as he walks into the room, Shawn following just behind and closing the door after them. Liam smiles at Zayn with a tilt of the head, and Zayn nods back with his own bright smile. “Come on you two. Enough of an adventure. Reception’s about to start.”

Niall actually brightens by about twelve shades when he sees Shawn and runs to him across the room. He immediately grabs Shawn and kisses him, hard, causing Shawn to stagger back before catching Niall and holding him by the waist. Shawn pulls back to stare at Niall and say, “Hi, handsome. We’ve got about three minutes alone so get it out of your system.” Niall doesn’t hesitate for a second before kissing Shawn again, moving him back against the bookshelf.

“Right. Well. We’ll see you two in a bit. Three minutes, for real. They’ll notice you’re gone.” Liam turns to Zayn who’s now at his side and holds the door open. “After you, babe.” Zayn brushes his whole body against Liam’s front on his way out, and gives him a kiss on the cheek, whispering, “Missed you.”

Liam giggles and grabs Zayn by the hand when he starts to walk away, closing the door behind them to make sure Shawn and Niall have a minute of privacy. “It was like half an hour, Z. And I think you and Niall got up to plenty of fun on your own based on how I knew to find you snooping through the house. Some things never change, though I guess without Louis you probably didn’t do anything truly chaotic like move all the furniture six degrees to the north or turn all the paintings on one side of the corridor upside down.” Zayn is leading the way to the ballroom, but he’s in no rush. And Liam might be purposely pulling back a bit to slow him down so they can have some time alone to breathe.

“The night is young. Maybe I’ll just have to bring you along for the next adventure.” Zayn stops just before they get to the reception and turns to give Liam a hug, stopping him in his tracks. Liam lets out a soft “Oomf” but his hands immediately circle Zayn. “Thank you, Li. I know you hate dealing with that too. So fucking proud of you, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t think you’d ever let me forget.” Liam loves Zayn so much he thinks it must be visible as far away as the continent. “It’s never going to be easy, but I know how to deal with it better now. And I’m intimidating when I want to be, apparently.”

“Hm. My teddy bear. Squishy on the inside but strong. So strong.” Zayn keeps Liam in the hug, letting him relax a bit before they go into the reception hall. He’s stroking the back of Liam’s head with one hand, feeling some of the lingering anxiety melt away as he does. Liam sighs and his shoulders relax, arms holding Zayn even tighter. “How bad was it, Liam?”

“Bad. There was shouting. On their end, not ours…That’s where Shawn came in actually. Brilliant. He completely distracted them with the ‘Hi, I’m Shawn Mendes’ routine, perfectly timed. People don’t want to be assholes to famous people.” Liam keeps his head tucked on Zayn’s shoulder while he talks, feeling Zayn nod occasionally. “That calmed them down enough that we were able to finish our conversation at a normal volume. Don’t know that we made a difference but….we tried.”

“You did. Even if all they learned from that conversation is that they can’t act like that without push back. Half those idiots only get away with it because no one says anything. And you’re always the first to step in and hold people accountable. Bit reckless at times, but so brave, Liam. So protective. I love you for that, you know?” Zayn kisses the top of Liam’s head with a sigh. “You alright to go back in there?”

Liam doesn’t want to let go of Zayn, but he’s calmer now, at peace with Zayn near. And they have all the time in the world, so he gives Zayn one last squeeze before stepping out of the hug and grabbing their hand. “Come on. Mum said you have to sit next to her tonight. I think she’s feeling a bit protective after Dad told her what happened.”

“Alright. As long as you’re on my other side.” Zayn always wants Liam as close as possible, and he also can’t wait to tease Liam all night if that’s what it takes. He’s so fucking ready to start the next chapter of their story. And he wants Liam to write it with him.

***

Niall: found the dead bird, as promised

Niall: /picture of him snogging Shawn in front of a stuffed quail/

Z: Right, but did you find the ghost?

Lou: you violated a dead bird for a selfie?

Z: Technically, I think they only violated each other.

Liam: You two better hurry back.

Liam: Wedding party will be here in a minute.

H: You two are so cute <3 So happy for you, Ni :)

Z: /picture of him holding Liam’s hand on the table/

Lou: EXCUSE ME

Z: Gotta go :)

Niall: Wish you two were here. It’d be a proper party then.

H: We’ll see you on Monday, Niall.

Lou: brunch date with all the gays

Lou: someone call the papers

Lou: the rainbow will be seen from space

Lou: /painted nails emoji/

H: I apologise on behalf of my husband. He’s very gay.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 6

As wedding receptions go, they’ve been to far worse. The guests are seated at rounds of eight with the bride, groom, and their wedding party seated at the head table at the end of the ballroom. The decor is minimal but tasteful, vases of cut roses in the wedding colours are at the centre of each table and the nameplates are hand drawn with the guests full name and a small design. Zayn laughs and shows Liam when he notices his is labelled Zayn Malik Payne, wondering who was responsible for that subtlety. Each chair is draped in an ivory cover with a pale gold bow at the back and the table is set in the English style (probably to appease the older relatives in attendance).

The food is surprisingly well chosen, the wait staff is attentive, and Liam and Zayn are sat with Karen, Geoff, Nicola, Ruth, and somehow also the gay uncles ™, Michael and David. They’ve been chatting amiably for almost an hour already, just starting  on the third course of their dinner. Zayn’s even impressed with the fact that they both requested the vegetarian option (they try to keep their diet vegetarian about 90% of the time) and that it was more than just a few limp haricot verts in butter like at the last wedding. He’s actually enjoying the roast artichoke, smiling when he sees that Liam already finished his. The obligatory speeches will start soon, followed by the rest of the reception, which will hopefully include some quality music if nothing else. Zayn would love an excuse to dance with Liam, holding him close, teasing him, any excuse to move things along at this point because they’re about five minutes away from snogging at the table. Rumour has it the couple hired a local band for later in the evening once the older crowd have headed home and they can party properly, so there’s that.

 “Everyone else agree we have the best table?” Geoff says to no one in particular, holding Karen’s hand on the table between them.

“Cheers to that.” Michael raises his glass and everyone joins for a round of clinked glassware. “I’d like to thank Ruth for switching our table assignment with Patricia and that kid of hers. What’s his name? Stanley?”

“Adam, angel. It’s Adam. Stanley belongs to your sister, not mine.” David rolls his eyes at his partner. “Honestly, makes us look like a couple of old queens.”

“We are a couple of old queens, dear. Practically ancient.” Michael is seated on Liam’s left, and reaches over to pat his hand. “I might miss being young sometimes, but more often I’m glad to have made it this far and to have done so with this grumpy old man at my side.” Michael may be speaking to Liam, but Zayn is the one who answers.

“I hope one day we all have what you two have. You’ve been together practically all your lives, right? Reminds me of Lou and Harry. Soulmate level.” And if Zayn puts his hand on Liam’s leg under the table while he talks across him to Michael, who’s to say it isn’t a coincidence. He doesn’t even believe in actual soul mates...not really anyway. But when he thinks about Liam it’s hard not to at least consider the possibility.

“I don’t know that I believe in soul mates,  at least not in the traditional sense. And if they do exist, we may have many.” Michael answers Zayn, looking off thoughtfully. Seems they’re on a similar page.“I think it’s sad to believe our romantic relationships are the only ones that match our soul.”

“I have to agree, Uncle Michael. I think there’s more at play than fate, and our choices are equally as important as whatever may or may not have been planned for us by an unnamed higher power.” Liam places his wine glass back on the table after taking a sip. “And I think if platonic soulmates did exist, our whole group would definitely fit the bill. What are the chances our parents would meet the way they did and keep us all in orbit together our whole lives? Statistically improbable.”

“Always been a smart one, Liam. Wise beyond your years since you were a kid. Still remember when your parents brought you home from the hospital and you were already smiling wide, your eyes so intelligent from the beginning. Maybe you’re an old soul.” David raises his glass in a toast to Liam.

“Cheers to that!” Michael also raises his glass to Liam before draining it.

“Slow down, angel. Still a long night ahead of us, and not everyone will be nearly as bright as this group.”  David then completely undermines his point by gesturing to a passing member of the wait staff for another round for the table.

“To think is a dangerous thing.” Michael answers his partner with a grin. “People will always be scared by what they don’t understand.”

“Or by what seems too complicated to understand.” Liam adds, thinking about his work. “Can’t tell you how often people stop being bigots once I explain something to them properly. Not immediately, of course. But eventually. And I acknowledge the privilege I have to even have that patience. Means I’ve been lucky to avoid the direct hatred others experience every moment of their lives.”

“You’re incredible, Liam.” Zayn looks at him with a mixture of admiration and pride, and enough love to start a fire. “Can’t even imagine how many lives you’ve changed already, even indirectly.” He squeezes Liam’s leg gently and lays his head on his shoulder for a moment before sitting up again.

“You too, though.” David answers from a few seats away. “Your books are an invaluable way to teach empathy to your readers. And by extension the people they will encounter.”

“Yes! Your books!” Michael loves talking about Zayn’s work. “I still remember reading the first one before knowing you wrote it. I was already recommending it and proudly selling out of the store’s supply before Karen told me.”

“I can’t thank you enough for always being such a champion of my books. The both of you.” Zayn looks to both Michael and David individually. “And none of them would have been written at all without Liam.” Zayn gently brushes Liam’s chin to get his attention, the two of them sharing a moment before dropping their eyes.

“Are we that obvious, angel?” David turns fully to his husband, ignoring Zayn’s giggle and Liam’s head snap in his direction.

“Mmmm probably. What was that thing you told me about these two? Ah, yes. ‘You turn him into poetry because you can’t have him any other way.' Exactly right.” Michael gives his partner a brief kiss before turning back to them and grinning at their surprised expressions.

“Did you really think we don’t gossip about the two of you?” David says to them before sipping his wine. “The number of bets…” He trails off when he sees Nicola shoot him a look across the table while she’s still embroiled in a heated discussion of napkin shapes with Ruth.

“And how many is Louis involved in?” Zayn asks, while rolling his eyes. That makes Liam laugh and relax again, leaning into Zayn to continue their conversation, Michael now asking Liam questions about his work.

The rest of the table has been people watching while the gay uncles have this earnest discussion with Liam and Zayn. The stark divide between their own conversation and that to his right is comical to Zayn, and he finds himself grinning. “We would find a way to have philosophical debates at someone else’s wedding, wouldn’t we, babe?” Zayn says while sliding his hand a bit further up Liam’s leg. He’s never been more attracted to Liam than when he gets to watch his brain in action. Liam stills for a second, clears his throat quietly, then adjusts to shift down and let Zayn move higher up his leg. Well then.

“How’s business at the shop? Haven’t been round for months, sorry about that.” Liam asks Michael and David while Zayn gently brushes his hand up and down Liam’s inner thigh, occasionally tapping out a rhythm as he lets his hand wander. “You hear Z finished the new book? Should be ready for the shelves next year sometime, but of course he’s already working on the next one.”

“Well, we always sell out of those quickly. Might have to order double of the new one just to keep up. Talented young writer you’ve got there, Liam.” Michael says, smiling over at Zayn who is always happy to hear genuine praise of his work from someone who knows what they’re talking about. There’s not a bookseller in London that Zayn appreciates more.

“I think that could be arranged.” Zayn says with a wink. He’s still caressing Liam, painfully slowly and dangerously close to -  Liam turns to raise his eyebrows at Zayn who is now letting the back of his hand trail along Liam where he’s dressed to the left. Zayn keeps the conversation going but moves his hand back to a slightly more chaste spot, more thigh than dick. “I still don’t plan on live signings for this book, but I’d be happy to do some kind of exclusive thing. Signed limited edition or something? I’ll talk to my publisher when we get closer to the release date.”

The sound of clinking glassware sounds around them and they all turn their attention to the front of the room while the speeches begin. Liam tries his best to pay attention to the goings on around him, but if he’s honest 98% of his attention is focused on where Zayn’s hand remains on his thigh. He reaches down and moves Zayn’s hand, resting it palm up on top of his leg so he can trace patterns in Zayn’s palm. He takes his time gently teasing Zayn’s fingers, occasionally tracing up his wrist and back again, knowing how much handplay affects Zayn. While listening to the maid of honor’s speech he repeatedly circles Zayn’s ring finger, not exactly subtle, but he doesn’t think he gives a fuck about that anymore.

Zayn and Liam laugh in the right spots, groan at the bad jokes, and appear to be participating fully in the group experience that is the terrible wedding party speeches. The reality is they’re both in a world all their own, their energy focused on the places their legs touch, the spot where their shoulders meet, and the way Liam is basically making love to Zayn’s hand right now under the table. They’re brought back to reality (a bit) when the speeches are over and the bride and groom take the floor for their first dance. Zayn and David both groan loudly when they hear the opening notes of Your Song by Elton John.

“Can we reclaim Elton for the gays yet?” Zayn asks the table. Nicola tosses a jordan almond in his direction before looking back at the dancing couple who, to be fair, look completely in love, though not great at dancing. Liam stops his teasing and brings his hand up to rest around Zayn’s shoulders across the back of his chair, his free hand fidgeting with his wine glass.

“I wonder - “ Liam cuts himself off before finishing the thought, a flush creeping up his cheeks.

“Le Cygne.” Zayn whispers to Liam, “But I’ll let you pick the second dance song if you like.” He’s had that answer ready since he was 17.

“And if I pick The Thong Song?” Liam whispers back.

Zayn smacks Liam on the chest dramatic enough for Karen to shush them. “Privileges revoked, babe. You’ve ruined the moment.”

“I hope not. We were just getting somewhere.” Liam stares at Zayn and not so subtly licks his lips.

“Liam, if you don’t - “ 

This time it’s Ruth who shushes them accompanied by, “Normal people are crying right now.”

“God, imagine being normal. Couldn’t be me.” Liam smirks and pulls Zayn closer where his arm is still around Zayn’s chair. Zayn gladly takes advantage of the decreased space to softly (god so softly Liam might cry) kiss the side of Liam’s neck, once, twice, okay basically just leaving a mark now. Zayn knows that they’re tucked in a corner of the room and everyone is focused on the front. If anyone were to glance at them it’ll look like he’s whispering something to Liam. In a way he is, using his lips to press everything he can’t say right now into Liam’s skin, knowing nothing will get lost in translation.

Liam closes his eyes and tries to keep his breathing even despite feeling like he’s sprinting full speed towards where he and Zayn are headed. He moves his hand into Zayn’s hair, giving him permission to continue. Zayn makes getting a love bite feel like the most intimate, precious moment of Liam’s entire life. How is he supposed to care that anyone else is in the room with them when Zayn is like this? Gentle and close and all his. He knows what Zayn is saying, knows what he wants, and he can’t believe they’re finally here.

He feels Zayn move back a bit, the absence of his lips like the sun shifting behind a cloud. “You smell fucking amazing.” He murmurs to Liam, sliding his left arm behind Liam’s back to pull him in even closer. He rests his head in Liam’s neck before leaving one more gentle kiss and sitting upright again, smirking when he sees the small mark he’s left behind.

The bride and groom’s first dance ends and the DJ announces it’s time for the father daughter dance. Zayn has to admit it’s an adorable song choice, taken from The Parent Trap, and the bride and her dad even learned the handshake from the movie. Everyone in the room is grinning wide, a few teary eyes being dabbed while the father of the bride spins her around, crying a bit himself. It’s definitely the highlight of the night so far, more genuine than the speeches or the choreographed first dance.

Maybe it’s the joy so plainly on the bride’s face, or knowing what’s coming next, or just a combination of everything happening, but Zayn feels his chest start to tighten and his breathing become more difficult. Fuck, he thought he was doing alright. He should probably get out of here, and fast. Somewhere in the background the father daughter dance ends and the DJ announces it’s time for the groom to share a dance with his mom. Zayn doesn’t even hear the music and he can barely see, his vision starting to tunnel. He’s not even sure if he’s breathing, feeling like he’s underwater and can’t do anything to get back to the surface.

Liam still has his arm around Zayn, and he turns to look at him, sensing the shift immediately. Zayn starts to turn away, pull into himself, anything to stop from having a panic attack right now. “Fuck.” He whispers to himself. Karen has caught on now. She looks at Liam and nods her head toward the exit just behind them.

“Z, I’m going to take you outside, alright? I know you can’t really hear me right now so I’m going to help you up and bring you with me out the side door.” Liam stands up, bringing Zayn with him. He ignores the looks they get from everyone else at the table, turning away from the crowd and keeping an arm around Zayn’s waist. He walks them calmly out through the door and into the entryway. Zayn is following blindly, letting Liam guide him through the house and to the back door. He thinks he’s stumbling a bit, can vaguely feel Liam holding him up while they walk. He feels something change and it takes him a bit to notice they’re outside now, the air colder, clearer.

Zayn starts wheezing, completely unable to catch his breath now, tears streaming down his face and he’s incapable of stopping them. He can’t see through his tears and he feels the ground beneath him, his hands cold and numb, but definitely underneath his weight. He’s probably fallen forward on the grass. Is he by himself? He shouldn’t be by himself in case he passes out. Is that Liam? He hears someone saying his name, maybe a hand on his neck? He’s on all fours now, chest heaving but no air getting in. He’s choking on nothing, can’t get a deep enough breath to even choke properly. His head is spinning, he might fall over. He’s dizzy. Is he still kneeling? He can hear his pulse in his ears and nothing else. Everything is blurry. Where is he right now? He feels something damp, the grass maybe? Someone’s moved him and put his arms around their neck. Liam. It has to be. Okay, he can see a bit now. Definitely Liam. He’s saying something. What’s he saying? Thank god for Liam.

“My mom - she” Zayn is still wheezing, can’t get the words out, but he has to tell Liam. He needs to. Liam needs to know. “She - Liam - She hates - me - she hates me - “ Liam’s on the ground with him. Is he on Liam’s lap? He’s on Liam’s lap. Liam’s rubbing his chest, trying to help him breathe. Good, that’s good. He hasn’t left. “She - Liam she - oh no - hurts - can’t breathe -”

“I’m right here, Zayn. I’m staying right here.” He hears Liam talking as if he’s underwater. He needs Liam. Did Zayn say that part out loud? Maybe. Focus. Where’s Liam? Is that his hand on his back? Yes, definitely. Liam’s holding him, probably, but he can’t feel anything right now. Can’t even breathe.

“Don’t - Liam - please don’t - “ Zayn manages to say. “You help - please don’t-”

“I won’t. Never. Not leaving, Zayn. You’re stuck with me. Remember?” Liam’s holding him in a hug now, rubbing his back, still trying to calm his breathing. “Can you match my breathing, Zayn? Feel how I’m breathing. Here.” Liam holds one of Zayn’s hands on his sternum, the other on his own. “Follow the pattern. Deep breath in, hold it as long as you can.” Liam keeps breathing as slow as he can, trying to break Zayn’s hyperventilating before he passes out. This is the worst panic attack Zayn’s had in a few years, but the only thing to do is wait it out, be here when he comes back to himself. Zayn feels warmth in his hand from both sides, Liam’s chest in his palm and Liam’s hand holding his. Okay, focus on that. Warm hand. What else? Listen. Liam always talks him through this. Breathing? Liam said hold his breath. Right. Warm hand, feel Liam’s breathing. He thinks he can feel it. Steady and calm. Liam. Focus on Liam. Zayn can feel Liam all around him, one inch at a time if he tries hard enough. He manages to take a deep breath but chokes halfway through, his lungs not ready yet. Liam rubs Zayn’s back as he keeps trying to breathe, “Good. That’s perfect, Zayn. Keep trying. I’m right here.”

“Li - my mom - why? - what did - my fault - hates me - not her son - she told me - I’m not - she doesn’t - can’t stop - why can’t I stop?” Zayn can breathe enough to string longer thoughts together, still wheezing, but not as harsh anymore. “She hurt me - I - I -  didn’t get help - my fault.”

“Not your fault, Zayn. None of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong.” Liam holds him close again now that his breathing has calmed down enough. He needs Zayn to know he’s here, and that’s only going to happen if he’s surrounded and safe. He knows how numb Zayn gets when these panic attacks hit.

“I’m so broken - so broken, Liam. She knew that - She saw - saw how fucked - fuck.” Zayn stops talking because it’s making it worse. Back to trying to breathe. Focus. Breathe, then talk. Breathe, then everything else. Find Liam. Liam always shows him the way out of this.

“You can tell me in a minute. Just keep breathing. Focus on my breathing, match mine.” Liam holds him close, but not too tight. He keeps rubbing Zayn’s back, trying to warm him up a bit because he’s shaking pretty violently now, shivering from the adrenaline flooding his body. He wishes he would’ve thought to grab a coat for Zayn on their way outside but there wasn’t time. It’s alright though. Zayn always calls him a personal heater. And it’s not too cold out tonight. 

They sit on the ground together for about five more minutes, Liam waiting patiently and reminding Zayn he’s there. Zayn slowly comes back into his body, one sense at a time, the numbness falling away as Liam and their surroundings come back into focus. Zayn’s breathing has returned mostly to normal, but he’s still shaking a bit and he’s definitely not steady enough to stand up. But he’s getting there.

“Sorry.” Zayn mumbles once he feels like he’s ready to talk. He hates that anyone has to see him like this, but if it has to be anyone he’s glad he has Liam here.

“You don’t have to apologise, Z. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Liam pulls Zayn into a tighter hug now, one hand on the back of his neck, holding him in place while Zayn starts crying again. “Cry as much as you need. We’ve got nowhere to be and no one to worry about. Just us, yeah?” Zayn’s tears are wet against Liam’s neck, but he’s crying so quietly it’s the only way Liam knows it’s happening. He’s always been such a quiet crier, as long as Liam can remember.

Zayn lets the tears fall, but he talks through them. Zayn needs to tell him, even though it hurts. “She won’t be at our wedding, Liam…She won’t walk me down the aisle. Or dance with me. Or be in any of the pictures. Or help me pick out my suit. She won’t be there for any of it. And not because she can’t, just because she won’t.” Zayn’s still crying but more as a release than anything else. He needs Liam to understand. “She hates me. Doesn’t want me. Has no interest in being my mom. Won’t know her grandkids. Will never read my books. She won’t be in any part of our future.”

Liam doesn’t say anything. He knows Zayn needs to talk this out and doesn’t need a response yet. So he holds him close, like always, and lets Zayn share what he’s been holding back.

“I know I should say fuck her. After what she’s done to me? After…all of it. She doesn’t deserve to be there. But she’s my fucking mom, Liam.” Zayn starts crying a bit harder again. It hurts to admit this to anyone, but especially to Liam. It feels like a secret he’s been holding onto for years, this pain he feels from her absence. “She’s my mom and I can’t not love her. I don’t know how. Doesn’t matter what she does to me. It fucking hurts. I wish I could rip her out of my heart and set all the memories on fire. But there’s still the good ones from when I was little. And the way she always took such good care of my sisters. And how much she used to love my dad. I can’t think of her as evil, even if everyone else does. She’s my mom. She’s still my mom…Why doesn’t she want me?” Zayn takes a break from talking and just lets the tears slide down his face silently. That last sentence is the heart of this pain. And showing it to Liam feels like jumping and hoping it’s not a cliff.

“It’s okay if you still love her, Zayn. You can’t just make yourself stop loving someone, even when you hate them. Our hearts don’t work that way.” Liam wishes it were that simple, wishes he could take away the part of Zayn that would always love his mom. But then he wouldn’t be Zayn. “You don’t have to feel guilt for loving her. What she did doesn’t change who you are. You love deeper than anyone I’ve ever known, and that kind of love doesn’t just go away. It’s okay to be upset that she won’t be part of our wedding, that she won’t know our kids, that she’ll never really know you. She might not deserve it, but if you need to love her, if you still love your mom, then you do. I’m not going to tell you it’s wrong.” Liam feels Zayn relax as he talks, as if he was worried Liam wouldn’t understand or even worse, that he would judge Zayn for how he feels. But he could never judge Zayn for this. For any of it.

Zayn nods slowly and curls himself a bit tighter into Liam’s chest, taking the deepest breaths he can manage. He puts Liam’s hand in his hair and relaxes a bit more when Liam gently runs his fingers through the hair at the back of his head. It soothes another piece of Zayn’s panic and he reclines into the touch. “Thank you…for everything.” Zayn mumbles from his spot on Liam’s chest. Liam shushes him and kisses his forehead, “You never have to thank me for this. This is where I want to be. Here. With you…You comfortable like this?”

“Can we…can we take a walk? I think moving a bit might help. Maybe loosen up my lungs a bit, get some of the adrenaline out.” Zayn looks up at Liam, his heart wide open, and so incredibly vulnerable. Liam can see the whole universe reflected in his eyes. He loves this person so fucking much that his chest aches.

“Of course we can. Let me help you up.” Liam stands up from the ground, brushing his hands off on his trousers before offering them to Zayn. Zayn takes Liam’s hands, able to feel their warmth now that the numbness of the panic attack has worn off. He could drown in Liam, if that were an option. “Where do you want to walk?”

Zayn shrugs, “Around. Want to go see the pond. And the sky is clear so we can see the moon. Maybe just watch the world for a bit, take a moment to ourselves and breathe.” He reaches out to take Liam’s hand and pulls him closer to walk beside him. They wander in silence for a while. The quiet of the evening calms Zayn back to a normal level and he can enjoy the moment, hand in hand with Liam, walking along under the night sky. It’s calm out here, removed from the noise and the stress. It never gets this quiet in the city, and Zayn lets the quiet wash over him. But it’s not really silence. He can hear the way the air moves through the trees, the animals that tiptoe through the underbrush or huddle in the bushes, their own footsteps soft on the ground as they walk.

Liam glances around while they wander, checking on Zayn every minute or so to make sure he’s still alright. They pass underneath a tree and Zayn’s face meets a moonbeam, so stunningly beautiful, but in a way that feels quiet. Zayn’s beauty is so natural, so unassuming, so gentle, highlighted by the sun’s light reflected off the moon. Liam’s mind wanders for a minute, thinking about Zayn, and the moon. “What do you think Artemis sees when she looks down at us?” Liam asks, having reached a point where it feels okay to talk again.

Zayn laughs softly, the way Liam’s mind works so endearing to them. “Depends on which version of Artemis we’re talking about. If she’s the moon, I imagine she sees it all. The good, the bad, all the quiet nights like this one, all the sad ones, all the secrets people whisper in the dark. She can appreciate it differently than Apollo. He gets the day, with its brightness, its energy. Artemis gets the most intimate, personal moments. She sees the last goodbyes to a loved one, the times people cry themselves to sleep, the first kisses, nights out in the rain while the world falls away. People can be more vulnerable at night…I think what she sees is the truth.” Zayn glances up at the moon while he talks before turning his focus to Liam.

Liam stops them for a moment so he can look at Zayn with his full attention. “You really are the most brilliant person I know.” He brushes his hand through Zayn’s hair again and brings his hand under his chin in a gentle caress before letting his hand drop again. “And the most beautiful. Speaking of Artemis, the moonlight suits you, matches you somehow, with how gentle and honest it is. That’s what made me think to ask.”

Zayn pauses for a moment, considering something. Moonlight. Honesty. Seems there’s a theme to their evening. “Have I…Have I ever told you why I like it when you play with my hair?” He searches Liam’s face, waiting for a reaction, but all he sees is calm. Well, Liam looks a bit confused, but not surprised. “No. I mean, I know you do, but most people like attention…Do you want to tell me why?”

“Yeah it’s. Well. My mom used to shave my hair as a punishment. Like, it’s hard to explain…” Zayn is clearly hesitant, not having shared this information before, but it’s Liam. They talk about everything. “If I did something she didn’t like or she thought I was acting too queer she would say my longer hair made me look too feminine and she would shave it off while I cried. I loved my hair. And maybe it was stupid, and not that important, but it was important to me…”

“Zayn, I-” Liam starts, but Zayn stops him with a finger over his lips.

“No, it’s okay. I just need to share these things with you. It’s important. You’re important. I don’t want to have any secrets. I never have, but there are things I’ve not shared before. Like this.” Zayn feels his voice shaking, but he keeps talking with a shrug, trying to minimise how monumental this trust is. “It took me four years after she was gone to shave my own head because I wanted to and it was how I wanted to look at the time. And I had a breakdown about it. You remember? A whole day where I couldn’t leave my bed. You brought me tea and read to me while I cried…But it was also good because I was able to do whatever I wanted with my hair after that. It was like I had ownership over that part of me again.”

Liam really isn’t sure what to say, but he puts a hand back in Zayn’s hair. “I love your hair and I will happily tangle my fingers in it whenever you want. I’m glad it brings you comfort. You should feel loved, always. And I’m happy you told me. I don’t want us to have any secrets either.” Zayn smiles and feels Liam give his hand a gentle squeeze in response.

“There’s another one, then. Give me a minute, this one’s harder. Deeper.” Zayn squeezes Liam’s hand this time and looks up at the moon. He just needs a moment to put his thoughts together.

“Take your time. There’s no rush. Never a rush with me. You don’t have to tell me anything you aren’t ready to talk about.” Liam waits patiently while Zayn processes for a moment more, rubbing his thumb across Zayn’s hand.

“So. You already know part of this. You know how I always feel most vulnerable when my back is exposed. That’s not a secret. But I haven’t told you the whole story…Hold on, just a second.” Zayn sits down on the grass and pulls Liam down next to him. Once they’re settled he shifts a bit closer into Liam until he can feel his warmth against his side. “Right. So. Remember those years where my eating disorder was like properly out of hand? Like nauseated just looking at food? Think I was like twelve at the time.” Liam nods and waits for Zayn to continue. Zayn looks out into the darkness, focusing internally now, watching the memory as if through a window. “There was this one night, my mom made some awful casserole thing, could never eat it again after that night…Anyway, I could only eat a few bites before I felt sick and my mom started screaming at me. She sat there and started forcing the rest of the food on my plate into my mouth while she yelled. I was crying, begging her to stop. She wouldn’t…Then I was sick. And she made me eat what came back up.” Liam makes a disgusted noise from beside him and mutters a soft “oh my god”.

"I know. But that’s not it…” Zayn pauses to take a deep breath. He can feel the pain in his back already just from thinking about this. “When I couldn’t stop being sick she threw me out of the chair onto the ground, then picked up the empty chair and threw it at me. I was turned away from her so it hit me in the back. Probably cracked a few ribs. Luckily missed anything important. Hurt for weeks, covered in bruises and a few cuts. But that seemed to satisfy her because she left me alone the rest of the night. I cleaned up the kitchen and myself and went to bed. Didn’t sleep of course. Everything hurt. Walking hurt. Laying down hurt. Breathing hurt…Existing hurt.” Liam has never felt more angry or frustrated in his life. Hearing about this, and for the first time, even after so many years. How fucking dare someone do that to anyone, but especially to a child? Especially to Zayn? Liam puts a concerted effort into staying calm. This isn’t about him, it’s about Zayn and what he needs to share. Getting angry right now won’t make any of this better. Liam takes a deep breath and waits. He can tell Zayn is still processing. He can only imagine what it feels like to revisit this kind of memory. After another moment, Zayn starts talking again, quiet but sure.

“My dad wasn’t home and my sisters had already gone to bed. Wasn’t the first time I took care of myself after one of her outbursts, and it wasn’t the last time either. But it was one of the worst. And I couldn’t really do anything, honestly. Just avoided anything strenuous for a few weeks. Said I wasn’t feeling well, which I guess wasn’t even a lie…Never told anyone about that night. Except my therapist, of course. And now you.” Zayn lets out a shaky breath, but he feels a bit better having told Liam. “I get phantom pains in my back a lot. If someone touches me without asking it scares me, automatically puts me on edge. Don’t like having my back to a crowd, always want to face the entrance, know where people are around me. It helps to calm my anxiety about it.” Zayn turns to face Liam now, putting a gentle hand under his chin to make Liam meet his eyes.

“But I trust you, Liam, 100%. Never feel scared if you’re around, because, and I don’t even know if you notice, but you always protect me from that trigger, like stand behind me or put a hand on my back so I know you’re there. And I don’t think you’re even aware you’re doing it, it’s just instinctual.” Zayn feels more tears on his cheeks now, but these ones are because of love instead of pain. “You’ve always kept me safe, Li.”

“Can I - Can I hold you? I know you feel really vulnerable right now.” Liam asks Zayn quietly. When he nods with a smile, Liam moves to sit behind Zayn, arms coming around to hug him. “I love you so much. You are so incredibly brave for telling me all of this. I’m so proud of you for getting yourself through that. I’m sorry that she did that to you. I can’t even imagine. And I’m so glad it’s over now.”

Zayn leans back into Liam. He feels so calm in Liam’s arms. “There’s one more. I was really young but you should know this one too.” Zayn isn’t sure how the evening led them here, to him sharing these truths so easily, but if he traces a path, it all leads back to Liam. To Liam’s patience and empathy and warmth. 

“Whatever you need to tell me. I’m here. Not going anywhere. Take your time.” Liam keeps holding Zayn, hoping he can feel all the love he’s putting into this hug.

“Think I was seven when this happened? Mom decided she’d had enough of me, told me I wasn’t her problem anymore. Don’t remember what set her off, but I suppose it doesn’t matter.” Zayn shrugs in Liam’s arms. “She put me in the car with my sisters and drove to the bus stop at the edge of town. Took me a minute to realise what she was doing. Of course I started panicking. I tried to lock my door, but she had the keys so that didn’t work and it only made her angrier. She pulled me out of the car by my legs. I was holding onto the seatbelt, almost choked myself on it when it got tangled on my neck.” Zayn hears Liam inhale deeply, clearly holding himself back for Zayn’s sake. “She finally got me out of the car and I remember just screaming as loud as I could, begging her to let me back in the car, that I’d do anything if she’d let me come home. My sisters were crying, confused, not sure what was going on…Eventually mom drove away. Left me there. Don’t know how long I was sat there but must’ve been a few hours. Didn’t even leave me with a coat, and it was winter.” Zayn pauses for a moment, moving past that part of the memory and setting it aside. “Some old woman eventually asked me where my parents were, brought me into her house so I could call home…But, don’t know if you remember, I called your mum to come get me. Stayed with you for a few days. I’ve no idea what I told your mum or how I got to stay for a while. But those few days were some of the happiest I remember from when we were kids. I remember my dad and sisters came to visit for a day before taking me home…I remember that day a lot in my nightmares. Don’t think I’ve ever been more scared than when she drove away…You’re the only person who’s ever heard that story. Never been able to tell anyone else before. But I love you. And you’re safe. And I’m sorry you have to know this now, but I think I needed you to know.”

Liam’s crying, his tears mixing with Zayn’s where their cheeks are touching. “You were so young, Zayn. What the fuck were you supposed to do? I’m so fucking glad you called my mum and came to us for a bit. I actually remember that week. Dad let me stay home from school one day while you were there so we could all go to the park and walk around downtown. I had no idea that’s what was going on, but I’m wondering if my parents did. Obviously didn’t know how bad, but why else would you have called my mum from a random bus stop and begged not to go home? I think Louis came to visit that weekend too. Might even have a picture of it back at the house…” Liam pauses to hold Zayn close and kiss the side of his head. “Thank you for telling me. I know it’s absolutely awful to relive all these memories. I wish there was more I could do, but I will sit here with you for as long as you need. I’ll always be here, Z. I’m not ever going to leave you.” He and Zayn are tangled up together still, Liam wrapped around Zayn, cocooning him while he bares his soul.

“I needed you to know these memories. I can’t keep them to myself all the time. And I’m ready now, Liam. I want you to know all of me, even the scary parts that keep me up at night. You know everything now. Well, there’s probably some other memories that will come up at some point, but those are the ones I needed to share.” Zayn turns his head to look at Liam, to see the remarkable person that has sat through all of this, for so many years, and never once complained or shied away from the awful truth of it. “Thank you for listening. And for being you. It’s not a cliche when I say you’re my person. I know I’m safe with you, always. You never push my boundaries. You give me space and time to tell you when I’m ready. I’m so fucking lucky to have had you my whole life. You, and Lou, and H, and Niall. But especially you.” Liam holds Zayn even tighter in response, rocking them slowly side to side for a minute.

“Let’s sit for a bit, yeah? I know you like when I read to you, but as I haven’t any books with me, what if I just tell you a quote and you can listen and cry and do whatever you need and I’ll be right here?” Liam kisses the top of Zayn’s head, waiting for him to nod. “This one’s from The Painted Drum. You’ll probably recognize it:

‘Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.’ ”

Zayn is crying. Liam is crying. They’re both a mess, but they’ve never been closer. “Thank you, Liam. For everything.”

***

They stay where they are on the ground for a few more minutes, listening to the sounds of the night around them, feeling like the calm after the storm. Seems like a month ago they were leaving their flat to come to town for this wedding. But eventually Zayn starts to shiver from the cold and Liam suggests they should probably start walking back towards the house. He helps Zayn stand up, pulls him into another hug, then takes his hand and starts the slow walk back to the wedding reception which feels like another reality right now.

They walk on steadily until they reach the pond where Zayn pauses to look out at the water and watch the moon reflected on the surface. He smiles at Liam, “Artemis really does get the truth, doesn’t she?” Zayn starts to walk again, taking Liam with him by the hand. Liam resists for a second, waiting for Zayn to turn and look at him again. “I love you, Zayn. In case that got lost just now. I love you, and I’m always going to love you. I need to know that you know that.” His eyes are searching Zayn’s face, making sure he understands how deeply loved he is, right now and always.

Zayn smiles and steps back into Liam’s space. “I know, Liam. I’ve always known. Just like you know that I love you and I’ve always loved you. And not just because you hold me when things are bad and pick up the dry cleaning and surprise me with chocolate and know my favourite books. Yeah, it’s that. But it’s also the way you joke with me about the shit on the telly and help me cook my dad’s recipes and the way you look first thing in the morning all sleepy and warm. You’re my favourite person, Liam. I’m so lucky to have you, as whatever you want me to be to you.”

They’re close enough to the house now to hear the music from the reception streaming out onto the lawn through the windows. They both recognize the song at the same time, La Vie En Rose unmistakable and meant for them, a gift from the universe, or Artemis, or whoever is responsible for this moment. “Dance with me, Liam?” Zayn puts his arms around Liam’s neck, already knowing the answer.

Liam has his arms around Zayn’s lower back, holding him close while they shift under the moonlight, all alone in the garden, dancing to their song. Zayn has his head on Liam’s shoulder, humming along to the music, blissfully happy to be here with this amazing man having this movie moment. It’s like he’s been given a gift for doing the difficult thing, for being honest and open and letting himself be seen.

Zayn feels Liam’s grip loosen a bit on his back so he pulls back enough to look in Liam’s eyes. He sees his own love reflected back at him, finally here, together. They both feel the truth of this moment and what it means for them. Zayn moves his hands up to cradle Liam’s face, tracing his thumb along Liam’s bottom lip.

“Can I kiss you?” Liam asks quietly, solemnly. Even now, he’s making sure this is what Zayn wants, what he’s comfortable with. Zayn just needed him to ask.

With a feeling beyond love, something closer to life itself, Zayn reaches his hand behind Liam’s head, tangling his fingers in his hair and bringing them together for a kiss 29 years in the making.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 7

Being kissed by Zayn is the answer to every question Liam has ever asked. He feels split open, the only way to let in all of what Zayn is offering him. Time has never felt more constructed than the exact point their lips touch, when a single breath captures every moment of his life, past and future. Liam has never understood the universe and his place in it more completely. Loving Zayn and being loved in return eludes language. This kiss is an exchange of breath, a way of sharing what keeps them alive. It’s a meeting of their souls, their lips understanding each other in a way words will never be able to explain, even to themselves. Zayn isn’t Liam’s friend, or lover, or any word he knows in any language. Zayn is part of Liam, inextricable, their hearts sharing rhythm, their lungs sharing air, their minds sharing light. 

Liam experiences all of this in the time it takes for Zayn to press their lips together and comes back to himself to kiss Zayn back, communicating everything he’s feeling and understanding and needing to share. He needs Zayn to know what this means to him, for them and for their future. Liam pulls Zayn closer to kiss him deeper, his right hand on the back of Zayn’s neck, left arm holding their bodies together, a tether to keep them grounded to the present. This kiss means forever, a choice they’ve both made to be here in this moment, accepting everything it took them to get here, and aligning their lives for as long as they’re able to share them. Liam lets Zayn press his mouth open for a deeper kiss, wishing there were a physical way to open his soul the same way, to give Zayn access to the deepest parts of him. He feels Zayn’s tongue on the roof of his mouth and a shiver runs through his entire body, ending with a deep moan that he presses into Zayn’s beautiful smile.

Zayn feels fully alive for the first time in his life. He has never known certainty like he did the moment he joined their lips, an understanding of who he is and an acceptance of his past that would not have been possible had he not opened up to Liam completely just minutes before. Liam has seen every corner of his reality, all the memories that he pushes into the deepest channels, hoping to keep them hidden. But he doesn’t have to hide them anymore, from himself or from Liam. Zayn can be free from the shame of his past, the space where it used to be already filling with love, with life. But it’s more than love, it’s beyond what Zayn has ever experienced or understood love to be. The way Liam loves him and the way he loves Liam in return extends beyond the limitations of a relationship. It’s part of Zayn more than the blood flowing through him or the air he breathes. The love they’re sharing in this moment exists outside of human understanding.

The way Liam kisses him feels sacred, the closest thing to divinity Zayn has ever known. Liam holds him with reverence, kisses him in a way that means forever, a promise and a hope. His lips are so soft Zayn could think it was imagined, too heartbreakingly perfect to be real. Liam tastes like moonlight and smells like elysium. God, the way he smells. Liam is the hearth, the warmth of home narrowed to a single spot, a welcome and a comfort, an always. Zayn inhales deeply while they kiss, experiencing his own life in surround sound for the first time.

Nothing about this kiss is desperate or rushed or unsure. Liam and Zayn have the rest of their lives, and they’re in no hurry to break this moment. Liam returns Zayn’s enthusiasm, knowing that Zayn needs this as much as he does. He pulls Zayn’s tongue into his mouth, taking control of the kiss. Zayn pushes himself further into Liam, trying to experience the kiss with every sense he can, wishing they could share one body. Liam moves his right leg between Zayn’s thighs, pulling Zayn onto him just enough so he can grind against him. Zayn moves himself along Liam, lining them up, rolling his hips in rhythm with the way Liam is kissing him. Liam licks the inside of Zayn’s bottom lip before teasing Zayn’s tongue with his own, asking Zayn to let him have it again. He sucks Zayn’s tongue back into his mouth, applying pressure between his rounded lips. Zayn moans into Liam’s mouth, the vibration felt through Liam’s whole body.

Liam pulls back to catch his breath, Zayn trying to follow him, not wanting to separate for even a moment. He presses their foreheads together and they breathe heavily, sounding like they’ve been running. After catching their breath for a minute Zayn presses a gentle kiss to Liam’s lips before kissing down to his neck, breathing him in. Zayn has his left hand in Liam’s hair, his right hand moving down to grab Liam’s waist. He tugs gently on Liam’s hair to shift his head to the side, his lips never leaving the spot where his neck meets his shoulder. Zayn has stared at this exact spot, this hollow that fits his lips, desperate to mark it, mark Liam in a spot only he can see. He’s never wanted anyone the way he wants Liam, in a way that consumes his attention and focuses him in the moment.

Zayn makes his way back up Liam’s neck to kiss him properly again, trailing his lips along Liam’s stubble and dragging his teeth along his jaw. He can feel Liam’s smile against his own, both of them so radiantly happy, light spilling out of them as if they’ve been newly anointed by the River Styx, their joy making them impervious. Liam reaches down and grabs Zayn’s ass in both hands, pulling them up into his arms and wrapping their legs around his waist. Zayn laughs into Liam’s mouth before letting his head fall back and staring up at the night sky. “Artemis, if you can hear me, you should know that the most honest thing I’ve ever done is love this man.”

He turns his face back to Liam, hands on his shoulders to keep himself steady. “Babe, why are you crying?” Zayn leans down to kiss the tears from his eyes, wiping the rest away with his thumb before meeting him in a wet kiss.

“I’m so fucking happy, Zayn. You’re it for me. You’ve always been it.” Liam hugs Zayn to him, and gently lets him back down to the ground. “I’ve been waiting for us to be ready for this for as long as I can remember. And now it’s happening. It’s real and I don’t have to wish for it anymore because -”

Zayn cuts him off with another kiss and then speaks his next words into Liam’s reddened lips, “You’re it for me, too. Since we were eleven and you kissed me under the stairs on New Year’s. That big house we had for the holiday. You told me all the grownups kiss someone at midnight. Do you remember that? That was the most important kiss of my life. Well, until now. There was a before and an after, and now we’re in the after.” So Zayn kisses Liam again, elated, giddy with the knowledge that he can kiss Liam anytime he wants…

“Oh my god. I can kiss you anytime I want!” The thought bursts out of him as he realises what this all really means. “Like forever, for the rest of my life.” Liam smiles wide saying, “Whenever you want, as often as you want, Z. This is for life. That’s why this feels how it does, for both of us. This is always.” Zayn jumps up on Liam’s waist again, his excitement contagious, Liam giggling into this neck. “I guess I’ll have to get used to this, yeah? As long as you carry me around sometimes too.”

“I already know you’re verse, Li, no need to remind me. I fully intend to take turns.” Zayn hops down and before Liam has a moment to adjust, Zayn has Liam in his arms. He keeps kissing Liam while he spins him slowly, loving the feeling of holding the universe in his grasp. “Now be impressed that I haven’t seen a gym in a decade but can still carry you around.” Liam leaves a quick love bite on Zayn’s neck that makes him groan and move his hips forward into Liam. “I’m impressed but not surprised. I’ve been waiting to put those legs to good use for years, Z.”

Zayn swats Liam’s bum gently before setting him back down on the ground, keeping his arms around Liam’s waist. “Happy, babe?”

“Completely, perfectly, incandescently happy.” Liam grins with a combination of mischief and pride.

Zayn moans and buries his face in Liam’s chest. “Fuuuck me, Liam. You can’t fucking quote that scene right now. I’ll have my pants around my ankles and my ass wide open in under ten seconds. Jesus, I don’t even think I’m joking. How many laws do we break if you fuck me on the lawn?” Liam can’t contain his laughter but he doesn’t have to. There’s no secrets between him and Zayn, no space left between their hearts. “Call me Mr. Darcy, I guess.” Zayn reaches down and starts messing with his trouser buttons. “Zayn, babe, oh my god, Z, not here.” Liam keeps laughing, entirely endeared. “Jesus, you’re like a cat in heat.” Liam grabs Zayn’s hands and brings them up to his face, kissing each of them before placing them around his waist. “We have all the time in the world for that. But for now, we should probably go inside for a bit. I’m sure my family thinks we’ve left the country, never to be seen again.”

“Wait. I want a picture. I need to remember this for the rest of time.” Zayn pulls Liam back into him while digging his phone out of his pocket and opening the camera. “Now kiss me under the moon and remind me I’m yours.”

***

@ZMalik posts a picture of them kissing, smiles visible where their faces are bathed in moonlight, captioned “ He is half of my soul, as the poets say. ” The comments under the picture begin almost immediately.

@HTStyles: GAY SCREAMING

@HTStyles: Love you both, so much - H

@Nicolathepayne: Ruth owes me a tenner

@tommostyles91: FUCK one of you idiots call us back. Love you

@RuthP23: Damn, happy days and all, but couldn’t have waited til tomorrow?

@Doniyadarling: my baby brother looks so happy :) love you, Z

@Nialler: Get a room. I recommend the library.

@S_Music_93: Niall, not now. (Happy for you two!)

@SafaaMalik: Only took 30 years, ya blind idiots. (and call Dad, he’ll explode. Liam’s his favourite, I swear)

@LottieTommie: Just once, I would like my brother to be wrong. But this time I’m so glad he’s right :)  Bagsy on the stag do

@Waliyhastagram: /rainbow heart emojis/

***

Walking back into the reception hall feels like floating. They had a brief stop in the restroom to clean off any remaining mud and dirt from the grass, and Liam used one of his embroidered handkerchiefs to dry their faces after splashing them with a bit of cold water. Zayn smiles when he sees Liam pull the handkerchief from inside his suit, somehow so perfectly Liam to have one tucked away for just this reason. Now cleaned up and giddy with joy, Zayn is being pulled along by the hand, Liam leading the way back to their table. Nicola, Ruth, and the gay uncles are nowhere to be found, but Karen and Geoff are sat at the table, holding hands and staring lovingly into each others eyes. Liam stops them a few tables away, pulls out his phone, and snaps a picture. He loves how in love his parents still are, even after all these years. He texts it to his mom, who sees it immediately and scans the room for Liam. So, she was worried and has been waiting for them to come back. She’s going to fuss like a proper mum, and they’re both going to eat it up.

It’s obvious Karen can sense the shift in them because she lights up and nudges Geoff with her elbow while gesturing them back to the table. Zayn hugs Liam from behind as they near the table, their hands circling Liam’s waist and their head resting on his shoulder. Liam turns his head and gives him a quick peck and Zayn feels like he could fly. Being able to kiss Liam right in the open, show the world how much they mean to each other, that is never going to be taken for granted. Liam walks into his chair before realising they’ve reached their destination.

“Careful, babe.” Zayn holds Liam upright while he regains his balance then pulls out the chair for him. “Go on then.”

“Such a gentleman, you are.” Liam takes his seat then stares up at Zayn with adoration, his eyes crinkling as he smiles.

“For you? Always.” Zayn sits in his own chair between Liam and Karen and says,  “Mum, look away. I’m about to snog your son.”

Karen laughs before replying, “Be offended if you didn’t to be honest. He’s pretty great.” She pulls out her phone and catches the moment just before they kiss, completely in their own world. They keep the kiss brief but when they turn to talk to the Paynes, Geoff is teary-eyed and Karen has her hand over her mouth hiding her smile. “Oh my lord, I - “ Karen seems at a loss for words. “I’m so proud of you both. You really are stunning together, just absolutely perfect.”

“All I’ve ever wanted was for all you kids to be happy and healthy.” Geoff has a few tears falling down his cheeks. He takes Karen’s hand and kisses it gently. “I want you to know how it feels to be as happy as I have been with Karen for the past 35 years.”

Now all four of them are weepy, happy smiles and crinkling eyes all around. Ruth and Nicola return to the table and start howling with laughter. They’ve clearly spent some time at the bar together. “Mum, it’s only been about five minutes. You’ve already got them all weeping?” Nicola teases her mother while winking at Liam.

“Blame your father this time. Sentimental old man.” Karen leans back into Geoff and kisses his cheek. “I picked a good man.”

“So did I.” Zayn says to Liam, “Never been more sure of anything in my life.” Liam is overwhelmed by how much he loves Zayn in this moment. He guides Zayn’s chin toward him using a finger to tilt his face up and kisses him deeply until he hears Ruth scoff in their direction.

“I will remind you two that we’re all sharing the house the next two nights and I only need to know so much about my brother.” Ruth has her arms crossed, but she’s smiling. “That reminder was mostly for you, Zayn. I see the way you stare at his ass. And the rest of him.”

“I’m not ashamed of that.” Zayn slips his hand onto Liam’s knee. “Could never be ashamed of loving you, babe.”

Nicola and Ruth both make retching noises while Karen puts a hand to her chest and says, “Aw. Bless them.”

“Alright, are we all recovered from this now? You’ve only been waiting for our whole lives, at least let us be gross for a little while. Now I’d like to take my partner for a proper dance if that’s alright with you all.” Liam rolls his eyes at his sisters before standing up again. “Mrs. Darcy, would you do me the honour?” He holds his hand out to Zayn whose stomach does an entire somersault. “Why, Mr. Darcy, I thought you’d never ask,” he replies before letting Liam walk him into the small crowd assembled in the middle of the ballroom.

Most of the older crowd has left for the evening, leaving the younger generation to enjoy the last few songs of the DJs setlist before the local band takes over and the party portion of the evening kicks in. Once they’re on the dancefloor Liam pulls Zayn into him, their fronts completely flush, no space left between them. The song isn’t one they recognise, but it’s easy enough to dance to, and easier still to ignore while wrapped up in each other.

“That was my first kiss, Z. Of course I remember it. I’ll remember that moment for the rest of my life.” Liam says into Zayn’s ear while Zayn dances on him on just the safe side of indecent.

“I mentioned that ten minutes ago, and you’re just getting around to bringing it up?” Zayn laughs but kisses Liam’s cheek sweetly. “My first kiss, too. You’ve been my first everything, Li. Maybe that should’ve clued both of us into this outcome from the beginning.”

“I knew.” Liam says immediately. “I realised after that kiss. Think I even told my dad that I was gonna marry you someday while we were on that trip. Obviously we’ve had a lot of life between then and now, but that never changed.”

“I think I knew too. But I had a lot I still had to go through, and it took me a long time to be ready for a forever. I think if you would’ve told me at eleven that we were gonna end up here I would’ve been sick on you. Never even wanted to plan for a future for myself until maybe five years ago?” Zayn has one hand in Liam’s hair now, absentmindedly caressing him while he talks.

“I know, babe. You’ve had more than enough on, and I’m so proud of you. The person you are, despite all of that, is absolutely beautiful. You love so hard and feel so deeply. For you, imagining the future wasn’t safe. You weren’t given the luxury of hope. But you took back your life, and look where you are now.” Liam is looking at Zayn with sincere pride.

“Dancing at your cousin’s wedding?” Zayn is trying to minimise this, but Liam won’t let him. 

Liam stops their movement and brings Zayn’s face up so he meets his eyes. “You’ve built an entire life for yourself, Z. You wrote your first book when you were 16 years old. Sent it off to publishers and agents and whoever else you could think of all on your own. Didn’t tell anyone about it. And then you kept the secret until it had a release date, barely wanted it to be celebrated. Only allowed mum a small party at home with just the families. You’ve remained so humble and honest and…you despite all the success you’ve had. D’you have any idea how lucky I am to even know you?”

“I wrote that book for you, d’you know that? I also wrote it for my dad and my sisters and the others, but mostly for you. And a bit for me, I suppose.” Zayn has his head on Liam’s shoulder again, Liam’s proximity comforting, always. “You say you’re lucky to know me, but you’ve no idea, Liam. There’s no way I would’ve made it this far without you, without your whole family, once mine imploded. I never thought I would make it to 28.” He whispers the last sentence but Liam still hears it, and hears what he didn’t say.

“I know. It hurts to remember those times, but I know. I love you so fucking much, I genuinely can’t imagine if…”Liam can’t say it right now, not with everyone else around, not when they’re here, and together, after all of it. And Zayn’s already been so vulnerable with him tonight, he must feel emotionally raw. “I’m so glad you’re here, Z.” Liam holds him tight, as if he can keep Zayn safe that way. But Zayn isn’t going anywhere, that particular anxiety in the past, so he relaxes a bit and gently starts moving them to the music again.

“You, um, when we were talking to your parents, you called me your partner.” Zayn looks unsure, somehow seeming to doubt Liam’s sincerity in using that term earlier. He fidgets with Liam’s collar and won’t meet his gaze.

“Babe. Look at me.” Liam waits for Zayn to sigh and then meet his eyes. “I meant it, yeah? You’re not my friend, or my flatmate, or my boyfriend. Oh god, imagine calling you my boyfriend, like we met on Grindr and I decided to let you stay the night a few times which is obviously fine for some people but -.” Liam’s losing the thread so Zayn puts a hand on his cheek to get his attention. He needs to hear Liam explain it, knowing that makes it true. “Right. Sorry. I’ve known you my whole life, Z. We’ve been dancing around this for 29 years. We already have a flat together,” Liam gestures around them, “go to family events together, share our lives. The only thing that’s changed is we won’t be seeing other people and we’re going to have a healthy sex life together. Which, I’m not going to pretend that isn’t a huge bonus. You’re fit as fuck, Z.” Zayn smiles and presses his body into Liam. “Twice a day was it? I think we’ll be lucky to keep it below three, but I’ll do my best.”

Zayn laughs loud enough for nearby couples to turn and look at them. “I can’t believe you remember I said that. That was weeks ago. I was only mostly joking…But I did specify that would be true if we were married…” Zayn knows he’s being a shit, but he also wants to hear Liam say it, make sure they’re on the same page.

“If you think that there’s a universe where I don’t marry you, you’re off your rocker, Zayn. I would marry you tonight if I didn’t have other plans for us.” Liam leans forward hovering just above his mouth and licks Zayn’s bottom lip before giving him the tiniest of kisses and pulling away again. “And if the rest of the family was here. Like OUR family, not this one. The gays. They have to be our wedding party, stood up with us while we cry through our vows.  And I want your dad and sisters there. That’s non-negotiable.”

“You’ve really thought about this.” Zayn looks a bit stunned, just processing all the things Liam said. Not that any of it is a surprise, it’s just he knows that Liam only says things he means, 100%. He pulls Liam forward by his tie and starts kissing him hard, tongue in his mouth and hands slipping beneath his suit to get closer to his skin. He wants Liam, needs Liam to know he feels exactly the same way. Zayn stops to whisper, “Can I take you somewhere?”

“You can take me anywhere. I’m yours, remember?” Liam gets one more kiss in before being dragged from the dance floor at a rather alarming speed. “Slow down Z, we’re gonna run someone over.”

***

Liam: Z and I will take a cab home, no need to wait for us :)

Mum: Let yourselves in when you get back. Love you!

Liam: Love you too, mum <3

***

Liam puts his phone back in his inner pocket as Zayn backs into the library, pulling Liam in by his hands, staring at him like he’s about to be devoured, eyes reflecting the moonlight that streams in through the fragmented windows. Which, okay.

The moment the door locks behind Liam, Zayn presses him up against it, hands in Liam’s hair and kissing him like he needs it to breathe. He’s desperate, more anxiety than passion. Liam’s actually a bit worried about the tension he can feel in Zayn’s body. “Zayn, love, slow down for a second. Look at me.” Zayn stops immediately, looking up at Liam expectantly. “What do you want, Z? I need you to tell me. No guesswork, yeah? And no chance of either of us getting hurt.”

“I know you won’t hurt me, Liam. And I know it’s impossible to promise that I’ll never hurt you, but I can promise that I will do absolutely everything possible to take care of you. I would rather hurt me than you.” Zayn has his hands on Liam’s chest now, feeling it rise and fall in time with his breathing, staring at where his hands lay.

“That’s what worries me, Zayn. I know you would let yourself get hurt. And I’m not saying this is an issue, I just need you to be absolutely clear with boundaries and consent. Otherwise we aren’t doing anything, at least not tonight.” Liam can still feel the tension in Zayn’s body, every muscle completely still. “Zayn. Look at me, please. I’m not going anywhere but I need you to hear me.”

Zayn knows he’s a bit out of it. This is all he’s wanted for so long and now that it’s happening he’s trying to rush into it too quickly. He lets out a shaky breath and relaxes his shoulders before looking at Liam again. “You’re right to slow me down, and I love that it means so much to you that you want me to slow down…D’you think,” Zayn pauses for a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing. “I know you need me to say things out loud, and I need to be touching you, like physical contact as much as possible to help my anxiety. So, how about you sit down on the armchair and I straddle you and tell you exactly what I want? That way I can have some control physically but you can still stop me or slow me down.” Zayn still has his hands on Liam’s chest, waiting for him to respond.

“Sounds brilliant. Now, come ravish me and take me apart with those beautiful words of yours.” Liam guides Zayn across the room to the armchair, taking a seat on it and helping Zayn up to kneel around him. “Kiss me?” Zayn asks once he’s comfortable. “I’m going to take off your coat and unbutton your shirt.”

“If you’re comfortable, take yours off too. But trousers stay on for now, yeah?” Liam smiles wide at Zayn before twirling a hand in his hair and bringing Zayn down to kiss him, slow and soft and gentle. Zayn relaxes once they’re kissing, almost all of the anxiety leaving him while he gets lost in the feeling of Liam. Liam’s hand in his hair, Liam’s thighs underneath him, Liam’s stubble against his cheek, Liam all around him. Zayn feels warm from the inside out. He starts work on Liam’s tie, loosening it slowly until it finally comes free from Liam’s neck. He slides his hands under Liam’s coat starting at the shoulders, pulling Liam’s chest into his while he slides the coat down his arms, stopping once he reaches Liam’s hands to join them with his own.

“Take my coat off for me? And my tie?” Zayn says into Liam’s mouth. “I want your hands on me, like now.” He takes their joined hands and places Liam’s hands on his neck. Liam holds his face to kiss him deeply for a few moments before moving his hands to shift Zayn out of his coat, maintaining their kiss while he loosens his tie. Liam runs his hands gently down Zayn’s back, causing him to shiver before pressing himself into Liam’s chest.

“Is that alright, Z? Too sensitive?” Liam moves his hands around to Zayn’s waist instead, holding him steady. Zayn disconnects from their kiss so he can look at Liam properly. He takes Liam’s face in his hands and rubs his thumbs over his cheekbones.

“Do it again.” He says quietly before kissing Liam again, letting his tongue explore Liam’s mouth. When Liam gently starts tracing patterns on his back Zayn arches abruptly into the touch, Liam having to hold him steady with both hands flat on his back so he won’t fall. “Take my shirt off, Liam. Take it off. I want your hands on my skin. Please.” Zayn has never felt anything like this before. He feels like all of his nerves are on fire, but in ecstasy instead of pain. 

Liam loves hearing Zayn like this, telling him what he wants and how he wants it. If this is a preview for their sex life, he’s worried they’ll never leave the bedroom, or the sofa, or the kitchen, or any other surface they’ll find at home that holds their weight. He takes his time slowly unbuttoning Zayn’s shirt, using both hands, letting his fingers trail down Zayn’s chest as he goes, feeling Zayn shiver with sensation as he does. He moves his mouth to Zayn’s neck, starting on a love bite near Zayn’s ear. When he reaches the last button he gently pulls the shirt out of Zayn’s trousers before sliding his hands around to Zayn’s back. Zayn moans at the touch, pushing himself forward into Liam.

“Do you want me to take it off or just leave it unbuttoned?” Liam asks him while gently rubbing his lower back where Zayn is slightly less sensitive.

“Leave it for now. Your turn.” Zayn can only think of having their bare chests moving together and picturing it, how it will feel to touch Liam’s warmth without any layers separating them, makes him desperate for the contact. “Keep your hands on me, Li. Never felt anything like it. Fuck.” Zayn kisses Liam roughly while unbuttoning his shirt, moving quickly and pulling the shirttail out of Liam’s trousers in a rush, making Liam giggle into his mouth. “Careful with the goods, Z. We might want those later.”

“I definitely want that later. But not tonight…Is that alright?” Zayn is suddenly unsure again, a bit of anxiety creeping back into his posture. Liam nods, encouraging him to keep talking with a kiss to the cheek. “I think I’m just a bit tired from earlier. As badly as I want you in me, and the other way around, I want to really enjoy it. And I think I may pass out if we try tonight.”

Liam kisses Zayn on the forehead, keeping his hands on his back. “Of course that’s alright. Besides, I had this idea that I wanted to take you on a proper date. Bloody romantic, I know. But I might have already planned it so…”

“I’m not done snogging yet though. Unless you are. But like, I’m really enjoying this, just getting to be this close to you, explore a bit and share space. Can we keep going, even if we don’t go any further?” Zayn has his hands on Liam’s chest again. He’s starting to realise he really enjoys feeling Liam’s breathing, it reassures him and gives him something to focus on.

Liam leans forward to kiss him again. “This is perfect. You’re perfect. Well, most of the time. Bloody difficult when I wake you up early, but other than that -” Liam gets cut off by Zayn biting his lip gently.

“You like when I’m grumpy in the mornings. I can tell. You get that look.”

“Yeah, alright. Doesn’t mean I can’t whinge about it sometimes though.” Liam rubs his hands gently up and down Zayn’s sides. “You still comfortable like this or do you want to try something different?”

“Actually,” Zayn has a sparkle in their eyes now. “I was hoping you could snog me against one of these bookshelves. Always wanted to get off in a pretentious library and now here we are.”

“That all? I think that can be arranged.” Liam helps Zayn to untangle himself from the chair.

“I accidentally told Niall something very specific earlier, and I’d like to have it be more than a fantasy.” Zayn has started backing them up to a bookcase across the room, facing the desk. “It involves you using that pretty mouth of yours in more ways than one.” Zayn smirks just before his back meets the bookshelf, Liam’s arm already behind him to soften the contact.

“The suspense is killing me, but I guess it can wait.” Liam leans in to give Zayn a chaste kiss before pulling back to look at them again. “Tell me what you want, Z. You’re in charge here.”

“Can I take your shirt off now?” Zayn has their hands already under Liam’s shirt, delicately caressing his chest hair. Liam nods, connecting their lips while Zayn slips his shirt off and onto the floor. Liam is so warm under Zayn’s fingers. He lets his hands roam while they continue kissing, feeling Liam’s chest muscles in action while he moves, knowing when his abs engage. “Take my shirt off, all the way off.” Zayn whispers it, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

While Liam slowly removes Zayn’s already unbuttoned shirt, carefully undoing the cuffs one sleeve at a time before guiding his arms out of them, he feels Zayn’s stuttered breathing against his lips. “You need it back on, Z?”

“No, I just need you. Please.” Liam’s so incredibly endeared. He would give Zayn the whole world, but all Zayn wants is him right now. “You make me feel so fucking special, Zayn. How do you always manage to do that?” He gently starts moving his arms behind Zayn, letting his hands trail across their back.

“You are special. I’m a fucking writer but when I try to explain it the words are never adequate. You exceed the limitations of my abilities.” Zayn is overwhelmed by the contact, but he wants more. “I need pressure, Liam. I want you all the way on me, and I want your hands on every inch of my back they can reach.” He reaches out to pull Liam closer while he talks, breaking off his own sentence when their lips meet again.

Liam presses his chest onto Zayn’s while they kiss and uses his hands on Zayn’s back to keep the contact consistent. The instant their skin meets Zayn groans, sounding like he’s releasing all of the tension in his body. He goes slightly limp in Liam’s arms, but he’s still kissing Liam fully, letting Liam explore his mouth while returning his enthusiasm tenfold. This might be the most relaxed Liam has ever seen him. Feeling Zayn like this, so content, so at ease, makes Liam the happiest he can remember. “Thank you,” Liam whispers it into Zayn’s mouth when they pause for a breath.

“For what? I think we’re both enjoying this, so I may as well thank you.” Zayn replies softly, still in his warm bubble.

“For this. For us. I know how much you’re trusting me to be here like this. I can feel it in every touch, taste it on your skin. You make this feel like magic.” Liam’s smile could power the country.

“Fucking hell, Liam. You sure you aren’t the writer?” Zayn pulls Liam back into him, kissing him a bit harder now and grinding his hips into Liam. “Take our belts off, they’re getting in the way…Please.”

“Careful with your back then. Arch into me for a minute.” Liam trails his hands slowly down Zayn’s back, not wanting to break the contact too suddenly. Zayn does as Liam asks, arching away from the bookshelf and into Liam’s body while Liam slides his belt out from his trousers. “Wait, can I do it?” He stops Liam before he goes to remove his own. Liam nods and Zayn slides his hands down Liam’s chest, taking extra time once he reaches his lower stomach, teasing under the waistband of Liam’s trousers while unbuckling and removing his belt. He can feel all of Liam’s muscles moving under his hands and he trails his index finger through the hair leading down from his stomach.

A sharp inhale is all Liam can manage when Zayn is teasing him like this. Zayn’s hands are so delicate, so considered. Every movement carefully measured, his desire being written into Liam’s skin. Liam lets his head fall back knowing that Zayn is moments away from kissing his neck. He smirks when he feels Zayn’s lips attach to his collarbone. He puts a hand in Zayn’s hair, holding him there, loving how confident Zayn is right now. Liam lets himself get lost in the way Zayn is enjoying himself, enjoying being with Liam, letting himself relax into their movement. After a minute he feels Zayn moving his hands to Liam’s waist, trying to change their positions but struggling against Liam’s solid stance. Liam giggles and Zayn stops what he’s doing to kiss him properly again. “Why are you laughing?”

“Is there something you want? Seems like you’re trying to accomplish something.” Liam laughs into Zayn’s neck but lets himself be turned around and pressed against the bookshelf.

“Right. Words. I’m getting a bit in my head, if I’m honest. Can I please push you into this bookshelf and have my way with you?” Zayn is waiting for Liam to answer, keeping his hands on Liam’s chest in case he needs to pull back or step away.

“I would love that.” Liam leans forward to whisper in Zayn’s ear, “And you can be a bit rough with me. I won’t break.” He trails his mouth down Zayn’s neck while he talks, joining their hands and bringing them above his head, pulling their bodies back together. Zayn rolls his chest along Liam’s front, the contact feeling like electricity flowing through him. “Can I mark your chest up a bit?” Zayn asks after they settle back into a good rhythm. Liam nods, “God, yes. Have fun.”

Zayn doesn’t need to be told twice. He immediately slides his hands down Liam’s front and holds him in place with his fingertips inside Liam’s waistband, a firm grip that lets him move Liam’s hips while his mouth is busy. He starts by kissing his way across Liam’s collarbones from right to left, occasionally biting gently and feeling Liam’s stomach clenching each time. He stops halfway when he gets back to Liam’s neck, breathing him in with a moan. “I’m never gonna shut up about how much I love your smell. It’s not your aftershave, it’s just you. God, I can’t wait to wake up to that every morning and drown in it every night while I’m falling asleep.” Zayn is leaving tiny kisses on Liam’s throat while he speaks, Liam trying to move his hips forward into Zayn, but Z is holding them steady.

After generous attention to Liam’s neck, Zayn moves his mouth lower to his chest, feeling Liam’s deep breathing beneath his lips. Zayn can’t believe how lucky he is to get to be the person who’s adoring Liam’s body right now, helping him feel everything he inspires in Zayn. He decides to avoid the more sensitive parts of Liam’s chest, knowing he can get to that later, and takes a moment to release Liam’s hips and run his hands up and down Liam’s chest. “Can you put your hands on me, Li? Helps me stay in the moment.”

Liam calmly places his hands back on Zayn, one arm around his waist, the other on his shoulder. He’s having a hard time concentrating, all his thoughts centered around the spots where Zayn has been, where he feels anointed. There’s no other word for it. “We are trying this horizontal with a blindfold when we get home.” Liam says, trying not to make some truly embarrassing noises that might alert someone walking past the library. When Zayn drops to his knees suddenly, hands staying on Liam’s chest, Liam’s hips move without conscious thought, almost smacking Zayn in the face with his still fully clothed dick, and he hears a few books fall off the shelf behind him.

Zayn lets out a loud laugh, his head falling back and his eyes crinkling shut. “I hope some of those were expensive, or I’m not doing this right.” He moves his hands slowly down Liam’s front, tugging a bit at his chest hair on the way. Liam groans in response, both hands now in Zayn’s hair, clearly holding himself back. “How much am I allowed to tease you?” Zayn asks, hands now having reached Liam’s waistband. “As much as you want, but I doubt I’m going to last much longer looking at you on your knees like that Zayn, Jesus…Fuck you can’t look at me like that. I will wreck my pants before you even get into them.”

With a moonlit smile, Zayn asks, “Can I unbutton your trousers? I’ll leave everything on if you want, but honestly I would really enjoy your dick in my mouth like right now.”

“Yes, 100% yes. You’ve no idea how much I want that. But I want you in charge. We can revisit face fucking later after we know our boundaries better. Use your thumbs on my hip bones to move me. It’s sharp enough that I’ll react immediately if you need my attention.” Liam is breathing heavily, adrenaline and anticipation flooding his senses, “This is your permission, Z. I am giving you my full consent. I will stop you if I’m uncomfortable…And I love you.”

“Love you too…will you try something for me? And I think for you, too?” Zayn starts unbuttoning Liam, pulling his trousers open but not down. He still wants Liam to be able to move as needed. Zayn kisses Liam’s stomach just above his pants, lets his lips trail down over the fabric, but not too low. He finds the spot Liam wants his hands to be and tests it out by pushing his thumbs into the hollow next to his hip bones. Liam gasps, “Yes, there. What do you want me to try, Z? I’m open to anything. Quite literally. Not scared to try anything with you.”

“It’s not like, a kink, I don’t think. But…if I was a sonnet, which would I be?” Zayn is rubbing circles with his thumbs along Liam’s hip bones while he talks, occasionally brushing his lips over Liam’s lower stomach, knowing the more he avoids Liam’s actual dick the more teased he’ll feel.

“That’s not the question I was expecting right now. But, Sonnet 116, if we’re thinking Shakespeare. Sonnet 17 if Neruda. I could probably make a whole list, but I don’t think a list is what you’re looking for?” Liam is still staring down at Zayn, watching himself be teased and he feels like he might start shaking with anticipation soon. Zayn is very very good at this and knows exactly what they’re doing, dragging this out and avoiding any actual contact where Liam wants it right now.

“Do you have 116 memorised?” Zayn starts teasing his hands under Liam’s pants again. When he doesn’t hear an answer he looks up to Liam to see him already in a daze. Zayn puts pressure on Liam’s hips as requested, which seems to wake him up enough. “Yes, yeah, memorised for years. Why?”

“Because you’re going to recite it to me while I swallow you down. Which, by the way. Don’t pull out. Want to taste you.”

“Oh-okay. Yeah. Yeah I can do that. Fuck.” Liam lets out a shaky breath as Zayn reaches a hand inside his pants, almost where he wants it. “Zayn, please. I want this, I want you.”

Zayn pulls Liam’s pants down slowly, maintaining eye contact with Liam while he does. Without looking down, he pushes Liam’s pants and trousers out of the way and kisses Liam’s stomach again, still avoiding any contact with Liam’s dick. “I won’t start until you do. Go on, then.” He presses into Liam’s hips to unglaze his eyes again. “I want you focused, Liam. Fully in the moment. Want you to feel every single second of this.”

Liam swallows and Zayn watches his throat move before he clears it to start reciting:

“Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.”

His voice is shaky, but warm. He’s not hurried, taking his time to put emphasis where needed. He means these words and he means them for Zayn. Still looking up at Liam, Zayn finally reaches his right hand down to gently take Liam in his hand. He moves his hand slowly, not applying too much pressure, warming Liam up for a few moments before using his mouth.

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove:”

Zayn breaks eye contact and leans forward to lick Liam from the base to the tip, painfully slowly, watching Liam’s reaction, loving the way his voice is getting hoarse. He licks his lips before placing them just at the tip, tasting the salt from Liam’s skin, his eyes closing in pleasure, unable to control his body’s reaction. Liam tastes so fucking good.

“O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests, and is never shaken,”

He hollows his cheeks and rounds his lips to slowly take just the tip into his mouth, once, twice, a few times while Liam pauses, having a hard time focusing. Zayn moves his hands to where Liam had requested, presses his thumbs in at the same time he lets his tongue start moving around while his lips stay closed around Liam, a gentle pressure.

“It is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.”

Zayn moves one of Liam’s hands into his hair, giving him permission to touch, experience this with Zayn, feel how he moves with more than just his dick. Hands back on Liam’s hips, Zayn looks up at Liam, squeezes him gently to get his attention, then takes him all the way down in one go, returning to just the tip quickly, teasingly. Liam has his lip in his mouth, seemingly having forgotten what he’s supposed to be doing. Zayn swallows him again, this time moaning as he reaches Liam’s stomach and pushing into Liam’s hips at the same time, causing him to thrust into Zayn’s throat and make him gag. Zayn pulls back then nods to let Liam know he’s good and to keep going, taking him back in his mouth right away.

“Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle’s compass come;”

Liam has never appreciated that line more. Zayn with his red lips and flushed cheeks as he keeps moving around Liam’s dick, not really stopping to breathe, occasionally moaning, the vibrations bringing Liam dangerously close to the edge each time. It’s almost impossible to keep talking, keep telling Zayn through this poem what their love feels like to him. He feels another squeeze on his hips, this time accompanied by one of Zayn’s hands moving around behind Liam to pull him forward into his mouth, the message clear. He wants Liam to thrust into him while he goes down. Fuck. Z really knows what Liam wants, and so instinctually.

“Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.”

Liam thrusts gently, but combined with Zayn’s continued pressure on his hips and his finesse while choking on Liam’s dick, the friction is almost too much. His body is on sensitivity overload, his focus completely on Zayn’s teary eyes, pupils blown wide with his own arousal. He hears Zayn gag a few times, but each time Zayn gives Liam a gentle squeeze to show he’s alright, that he wants it like this. Liam is so fucking close and Zayn’s only had his mouth on him for about 3 minutes.

“If this be error, and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.”

His task completed, Liam can focus fully on the feeling of Zayn’s mouth, the noises he’s making, his hands on Liam’s hips urging him forward even faster. He moves faster, but not deeper, not wanting to push the limit. Zayn is getting sloppy, spit falling down his front and on his chest. Now that Liam is moving on his own, Zayn holds up one hand to show what he’s going to do, then moves it under Liam to gently, like a whisper, trace his finger starting at the base of Liam’s cock and all the way back before starting to circle it. His finger is so delicate it feels even softer than if it were Zayn’s lips. And the combination of Zayn’s messy appearance with his tender touch and a spluttered “Love you” is what puts Liam over the edge. He pushes forward into Zayn, letting himself go deep in Zayn’s mouth, hearing him choke while he continues moving around Liam, but now just at the tip, eyes closed while he hums as if he’s just been given a gift. He takes Liam all the way in one more time after he’s done coming to clean him up before slowly letting Liam out of his mouth and tucking him back into his pants.

Liam drops to the floor in front of Zayn and pulls him into his chest immediately. He kisses Zayn deep, brushing his hair out of his eyes and wiping away any remaining tears. He can taste himself on Zayn, another physical reminder of what just happened. Liam has one arm moving up and down Zayn’s back comforting him, the other on his face. After several more minutes of lazy snogging Liam turns Zayn around in his lap so his back is to Liam’s front, their most comfortable position. Even better for both of them now that their top halves are bare, skin to skin, no layers of separation. “Zayn, that was fucking incredible. I’ve never experienced anything like that. You’re perfect. Just absolutely wonderful for so many reasons… How’d you even know what that would do to me? I’ve never thought of doing anything like that, with anyone.”

“When you fuck me, I want it to be Neruda’s 17.” Zayn sounds absolutely wrecked, like his voice might need a day to recover. “I’ve made a list and both of those were on it. We’re always on the same page… And I know what gets you off. Words mean everything to you. So when you talk about love while we’re fucking, it adds another level, for both of us. I fucking love you Liam. And the way I feel that most is getting to touch you, letting you touch me, removing those boundaries that I had to have for so long.” Zayn’s crying now, but it’s not sad. He feels only love and maybe a little bit of… “Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia,” he says, knowing Liam recognizes the quote from Looking For Alaska. He burrows a bit into Liam, letting his back be warmed in Liam’s chest.

“I’ve spent so many years imagining our future, Zayn. It was always going to be us. We both knew it, everyone we love knew it. And I feel like I’ve been reborn, starting this new part of our lives together. I want to love you with my whole self for the rest of our time together. Deal?” Liam is hugging Zayn close, knowing he needs the physical proximity after being so intimate. Physical contact, especially sexual, is extraordinarily charged and it always leaves Zayn emotionally sore, regardless of his physical state.

“I’d like that.” Zayn sniffles and feels Liam’s hand come up to wipe away his tears, making him giggle. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. This just means so much to me. You’re so important, Liam. Doing anything with you involves all of me, body and soul. And I feel empty in the best way, like I’ve lost everything that hurts and I only have room for light. Which is you, Liam. You’re pure light, the only thing that makes anything possible.”

“We really are two sentimental messes.” Liam’s tearing up now too, Zayn’s words hitting him deep. “I love you. I know I keep saying that, but language is limiting and it encompasses all the different ways I need you. So for now, until we find better words, I love you, Zayn. And I’m sorry the words are inadequate.”

Zayn turns his head around so he can kiss Liam while still wrapped up in his arms. They kiss lazily for a minute or two, just soft, warm brushes of their lips. “We should probably consider leaving this house soon. The reception should be over in about an hour, so we can definitely just Irish goodbye. Hopefully we’ve damaged enough of this library for them to replace a few things with something a bit more…not white.”

Liam laughs, always impressed with Zayn’s ability to make him laugh out of nowhere, so quick witted. “Lay with me for another minute, and I want a selfie. Yeah, I know our generation is self obsessed and whatever the fuck. I just want to remember this. And also give Lou an aneurysm before we see him on Monday.”

“Fuck, I love you so much. You’re everything. Five more minutes then we’re getting up.”

“Deal.”

***

Liam: /picture of him and Zayn on the floor of the library/

H: You two have never looked happier

H: What the fuck this is so much

H: I’m crying

Lou: You two look destroyed

Lou: Are those books going to be okay? They look a bit fucked on.

Niall: The library is a magical place

Z: I’m the one who gave you the idea earlier, Ireland.

Z: p.s. You’re welcome for that by the way.

Niall: Love you two. You’re going to be so bloody brilliant together.

Liam: I love Zayn.

Lou: Yes, James, we are aware

Lou: thank you for sharing

H: Be nice, they’re allowed to be gross for a while

Lou: I count 6 love bites on just the parts of them we can see in frame

Niall: I count 7 - Shawn

Z: Liam tastes amazing

Lou: Hey google, how do I unsend someone else’s text?

Liam: Hey, let my partner appreciate me as much as they want.

Niall: Partner? You didn’t skip straight to husbands/spouses?

Niall: I apologise for the sass, Niall’s had a night. But I love him sooooo much - Shawn

H: Lou, when did we become the least embarrassing couple?

H: I think we need to remedy that

Lou: Did you all know that we bought a new collar for H? It’s red.

Z: That’s not embarrassing, just kinky and kinda tame for you two.

H: Who wants a picture I’m breaking it in.

H: /picture of H’s naked torso with the collar visible and Louis clearly in frame/

Liam: Aaaaaand that’s enough for tonight

Liam: Goodnight, all of you. Love you.

H: Love you all

Lou: You’re alright, I guess.

Lou: Love you. Drink some water you look dehydrated.

Niall: Shawn and I love you all. I second that you look dehydrated. Good work.

Z: Night. Love you all. Thank you for…everything.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 8

“You hungry, babe?” Liam mutters to Zayn where his head is on Liam’s shoulder. They’re huddled together in the back of the cab on the way back to the Paynes, having finally left the wedding venue. It’s late enough that most of the town is asleep, or on their way.

“Yeah. We’ve had a busy night, haven’t we?” Zayn turns to leave a gentle kiss on Liam’s neck before settling back on his shoulder, too tired to do much more than cuddle.

“Excuse me. Could you stop at that kebab shop, end of the street? We’ll just walk the rest of the way from here…thanks, mate.” Liam addresses the cabbie from his spot in the seat behind the driver. As the car pulls up outside the restaurant, Zayn stretches and yawns, looking like a kitten disturbed from their nap.

“Food, Z. Then we can go home and sleep. You need sustenance.” Liam pays the cabbie and helps Zayn out onto the street. Zayn perks up a bit when he smells the incredibly fragrant air around the kebab shop. “You already fed me, babe…Sorry that wasn’t even a good joke, I really must be tired. Feed me. Food. I’m too tired to make decisions right now, Li. Just dump me in a seat and order literally anything on the menu.” Liam laughs softly while holding the door open for Zayn.

“Just…sit here. I’ll go grab us some food.” Liam drops Zayn into one of the seats near the window, gives him a quick kiss, then walks away to order for them. When Liam gets back to the table with two doner kebabs Zayn is mostly asleep, slumped forward on their arms, eyes shut and smiling softly. Liam sets the food down to take a quick picture, so in love and whipped for this person that it’s almost embarrassing. Putting his phone away again, Liam rouses Zayn by rubbing a soothing hand up and down his back while kissing his forehead. “You can sleep as much as you want when we get home, love. But for now, food. For me. Please.”

Zayn moves his head enough to give Liam a chaste kiss, smiling into it. “Love that I can just kiss you every time I think about it now. You’ve any idea how distracting it used to be? Hardly ever thinking about anything else when you’re around.” Zayn pulls his food towards him while Liam takes the seat beside him, linking their ankles together under the counter.

“Zayn, you have no idea. Your lips and your hair and your hands and your everything consume my thoughts so completely I’m surprised I’ve accomplished anything in the last decade. Well…longer than that, but you know what I’m talking about.” Liam takes a bite of his kebab, immediately re-energized just from the first bite. Damn, they both needed this.

“Yeah, I know. Still think we made the right choice though.” Zayn says through a mouthful. “We wouldn’t be where we are, ready for life together, if we hadn’t both agreed. I was a fucking mess, Liam. And you couldn’t be the one to clean it up. I had to do that myself.” Zayn puts his food down to grab Liam’s hand on the table, greasy hands be damned. “Knowing this was waiting for me made it all worth it. I don’t regret a single moment of our lives together, even if we weren’t officially together until now.”

“I don’t regret it either. You’re the most incredible person, Zayn. I would’ve waited another twenty years if that’s what it took…Now eat your food. You need sleep.” Liam pushes Zayn’s kebab back toward him gently with a smile. 

“At least I know you’re ace with aftercare. Shouldn’t be surprised. You’re the most considerate person I’ve ever known. God, I love you so much, Liam.” Zayn smiles back at him, so incredibly happy to be sitting in a kebab shop in the middle of the night, as if this is the most romantic moment of his life. There’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

They both finish eating in relative quiet, sharing occasional thoughts about the wedding and the reception, not having been present for much of the latter. “Ready to walk home, Z?” Liam clears their trash and holds out a hand for Zayn to help himself up. They walk out of the shop and start the short walk back to the Paynes' house, Zayn shivering slightly from the cold despite the addition of an overcoat that he didn’t have earlier in the night. Liam stops them for a moment and takes his scarf off to wrap around Zayn instead.

“Won’t you be cold? I can deal for a few more minutes, Liam. It’s a short walk.” Zayn can smell Liam on the scarf, can feel his warmth still clinging to its folds. He snuggles into Liam’s hand where he’s placed it against Zayn’s face. “I think I’m warm enough. Feels like summer from my head to my toes.” Liam seems very proud of himself for that one.

“You are such a dork, babe.” Zayn pulls Liam towards him to kiss him again. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it. He could stand right here in this spot kissing him until they both return to dust and no one is left to remember their names. But he’s still just one person, kissing another person in the dark of the night, and they’re both incredibly tired, though admittedly radiantly happy. “Sorry, I just can’t stop. I think I may be addicted to your mouth, Li.” Zayn pulls away and takes Liam’s hand in his, tugging him along toward the house. 

“Never have to apologise to me. Especially for that. If I die snogging you, I die happy. What a way to go, eh?” Liam swings their hands between them as they reach the street he’s known most of his life. “This is the first time we’re walking into my parents home as partners…should we wake them up? It’s a very special occasion.”

“If you wake them up, I will make you sleep on the couch…I won’t, but still. Your parents have been actual angels, Liam. And I’m sure we’ll be keeping them up tomorrow night, so let them get their rest while they can.” Zayn quiets as they reach the house, walking up the front steps.

“Naughty. But you’re probably right. Once we’re properly rested, we’re definitely gonna be all over each other, regardless of how thin the walls may be…okay shh. Careful up the stairs, Z. I got you.” They’re in the entryway now, Milo sleepily raising his head to acknowledge the intrusion. They tiptoe up the stairs to the loft and close the door behind them as quietly as possible.

“Can we please sleep naked? I just want all of you on all of me. It’s not even sexual it’s just a comfort thing.” Zayn is in Liam’s space, hands on Liam’s chest and staring at him with tired, tired eyes.

“Of course. Not like it’d be the first time…Let’s brush our teeth and then I’ll help you get undressed for bed. You’ve had a long day. Not going to keep you up any longer than necessary.” Liam guides Zayn to the bathroom and they brush their teeth in silence, maybe the most domestic moment they’ve had. When they’ve both rinsed and etc. Liam gives Zayn another kiss, finding himself doing it so naturally after only a few hours of this new level of intimacy. He takes Zayn by the waist and walks him back into the bedroom, slowly taking off different articles of his clothing while they go, letting them drop where they land.

“Wow, letting me leave clothes on the floor. You really are whipped, Li.” Zayn teases him, but starts helping Liam out of his suit as well.  They finish undressing silently, occasionally stopping for gentle kisses to whatever body part is nearest, a hand, a shoulder, a cheek. All of it feels natural, like they’ve always been this way. Which, in a way, they always have.

When they’re both finally undressed, Liam pulls back the sheets and lets Zayn crawl into bed first before sliding under the sheets himself. Zayn was definitely right, sleeping naked, skin on skin, is the most comforting thing he’s ever felt. “Come here, little spoon.” Zayn says once Liam’s under the sheets, pulling Liam into his front. “I love you so much Liam. Forever. I promise…We’re sleeping in tomorrow or I’ll tell mum what actually happened to that vase when we were 6.”

Liam snuggles back into Zayn and says, “Go ahead. Mostly Niall’s fault anyway. But I think sleeping in sounds perfect. Just want to wake up wrapped up in you, Z. Love you…” They both start to drift off and Liam mumbles in that moment just before sleep, “I’m all yours.” It’s the last thing Zayn hears before slipping into his dream, his soul so at peace and full of light that all he can do is hold Liam a bit closer before finally letting sleep take over.

***

The next morning, Liam snuggles closer into Zayn while gradually waking up. They’re facing each other now, Liam’s face in Zayn’s chest and each has an arm casually thrown over the other. Their legs are wrapped up together and Liam sleepily pulls Zayn closer with his eyes still shut, breathing him in and starting to wake up with a smile and a full heart. He drifts back to sleep for a minute before actually waking up, stretching a bit to let his body wake up too. Zayn grunts in his sleep and grabs for Liam who chuckles softly before kissing him gently and sliding out of the bed. “Be right back.” He whispers but Zayn is already back to sleep.

Liam takes care of his morning wee, brushes his teeth, fluffs his hair a bit, then tiptoes back to the bed, trying to keep his promise to let Zayn sleep in (it’s only 7:42 according to his phone). When he looks back at the bed Zayn is now in his spot, face down and curled up where Liam had been just a few minutes before. Liam smiles so wide it almost hurts. Gently, Liam lifts the edge of the covers and moves Zayn just enough to slide underneath his dead weight. Immediately Zayn sighs and relaxes onto Liam’s chest, not yet awake, but aware enough to know Liam’s there. Liam holds Zayn close, trailing one of his hands up and down Zayn’s back, the other propped behind his head.

Zayn begins to stir a bit now that Liam is back and nuzzles into him, leaving a sleepy kiss on Liam’s chest and smiling, eyes still shut. “Liam.” Is all he mumbles before rolling himself further on top of him. Liam puts his face in Zayn’s hair, bringing his left arm back down to hug Zayn close, living in their shared warmth. “You awake now, babe?” Liam says quietly into the space above Zayn’s head. He gets a grunt in return that sounds like “No” but it’s muffled in his chest, so who’s to say. But then Zayn lifts his head enough to peek at Liam with squinty eyes and a soft smile, and Liam forgets his own name and every thought he’s ever had in his life.

“I’m so fucked.” Is all Liam can say, making Zayn giggle.

“Morning.” Zayn moves up to kiss Liam before settling back on his chest, feeling so at peace because all he can feel and see and hear is Liam. He spends a minute or so listening to Liam’s heartbeat, tapping out the rhythm on Liam’s shoulder where his hand is resting, while Liam’s hand continues caressing his back in gentle circles. Moments like this where they can be quiet together are so special to Liam. Zayn always says everything with his body language, fitting himself into Liam and relaxing as if being together is all he’s ever needed. 

“This is the best morning of my entire life.” Liam says softly, not wanting to break the mood. Zayn moves his hands to Liam’s lips to shush him, leaving just his index finger to linger for a moment. Liam kisses his finger before Zayn drops his hand back to Liam’s chest, using the leverage of his movement to bring himself level with Liam, looking straight at him and saying, “Quiet time. Kiss me instead.” Liam smiles before pulling Zayn down into him, kissing him softly, sweetly, as gentle as the morning sun filtering through the curtains.

Zayn loves this, loves Liam, loves himself, loves everything about this morning. Waking up with Liam, wrapped around each other, is going to be reality for the rest of their lives. Zayn can’t help the smile that spreads across his face, starting in his heart and filling up the rest of him. He kisses Liam deeper, pushing him into the bed, starting to move their bodies together now.

Liam feels Zayn waking up…every part of Zayn waking up. They’re kissing deeper now, slower, and Zayn is not so subtly trying to create some friction between their bodies. Liam lets himself be kissed however Zayn wants to kiss him, and their movements are growing more purposeful, clearly angling towards something more. Liam pauses when he feels Zayn pull back for a moment and when he opens his eyes, Zayn’s pouting at him, looking grumpy and not at all like he was grinding on Liam moments ago. “What, babe? You okay?” Liam’s worried, anxious this is too fast for Zayn, so he moves his hands to Zayn’s chest to put some distance between their bodies.

“You brushed your teeth.” Zayn mumbles with a scrunched face.

“I - wait what?” Liam’s genuinely confused now.

“You weren’t supposed to brush your teeth.” Zayn is definitely grumpy. The pout hasn’t left, but Liam can’t help but laugh, his whole body shaking with it.

“Babe, I didn’t know this was a rule. You gotta tell me this stuff, remember?...Wait, why is this a rule?” Liam is torn between wanting to kiss the pout off Zayn’s face and cuddle him so hard it leaves on its own. He settles for rolling them over so Zayn is laying on his back and Liam is on top of him, but still keeping a bit of distance so Zayn can move him off if he wants.

“It’s part of the deal.” Zayn mutters, annoyed, but loving having Liam on top of him. His weight is comforting, like an anxiety blanket made out of his favourite person.

“What deal? Did I skip a chapter while I was asleep?” Liam is still laughing a bit, hands on either side of Zayn’s face.

“The deal. The whole thing. Us. This. We fall asleep spooning, we snore on each other, then we wake up and cuddle and snog, morning breath and all. You brushed your teeth. Now you’re all minty.” Zayn waves his fingers in the general direction of Liam’s face while he wrinkles his nose, as if Liam’s toothpaste is offending him.

Liam laughs again, this time loud enough to wake the neighbours, and he falls on top of Zayn, weak from how hard he’s laughing. He presses his laugh into Zayn’s neck, knowing he’s still pouting, but can’t stop himself just yet. “That is the most adorable thing I have ever heard. God, I love you so much, Z. I solemnly swear I will never brush my teeth before our morning snog ever again.” Liam leans down and starts kissing Zayn again, feeling his pout being erased with each kiss. “And here I was worried we were moving too fast and you wanted to slow down.”

“No, actually. I’d rather you sped things up.” Zayn says while pushing his hips up into Liam. “You wake me up early, I get to keep you in bed for a while. New rule #2. Add it to the list.”

“I like that one…You know, if you’re so fussed about my clean mouth, I have an idea for how to make it dirty again.” Liam smirks before starting to slide his way down Zayn, stopping at their chest, waiting for Zayn to give their consent before continuing. “Can I?”

“Use your words, and I’ll consider it.” Zayn is teasing Liam and he’s proud of himself for it. Liam squeezes Zayn’s waist saying, “Please, can I give you a morning blowjob, dear?”

“Thought you’d never ask.” Zayn smiles down at Liam and tussles his hair. “Can you move the blankets a bit, I want to watch.”

“Feisty when I wake you up early. I’ll have to remember that.” Liam moves the sheets so they’re only covering him from the hips down. He’s in no rush so he takes his time getting to his destination, kissing his way down Zayn’s body and occasionally moving back upwards for a moment and retracing his path. Zayn has one hand in Liam’s hair, the other is holding tight to the sheets beneath him, already tense with anticipation. Liam pauses once he’s below Zayn’s stomach and spreads his legs open a bit, deciding to pay some attention to Zayn’s thighs first.

Starting with Zayn’s left knee, Liam kisses his way slowly up to his inner thigh, stopping to leave a love bite that’s so gentle, Zayn doesn’t even feel it. “Is that alright, babe? Leaving a mark?” Liam pauses what he’s doing until he gets an answer. Zayn isn’t listening, clearly, so he bites gently on Zayn’s thigh, a bit lower than where he left the mark. “Z. Is this alright?”

“Yes, oh my god yes. Leave love bites on every available spot. I want your kisses written in my skin. Sorry I’m not remembering to tell you things right now. I’ll work on it.”

“It’s fine, just making sure you want this, want all of it. That’s non negotiable. I gotta know you’re giving consent. How do you want me to get your attention when you space out?” Liam is still between Zayn’s legs, but his focus is fully on Zayn’s eyes, waiting for a response, ready to move off him if needed.

Zayn thinks for a moment, keeping his eyes locked on Liam’s, which honestly isn’t helping him stay focused. Liam’s eyes are full of warmth, the kind of warmth that emanates from a campfire at the end of a long night of conversation, or a string of holiday lights left on for slightly too long, or a perfect cup of tea at the end of an emotional day, or laundry fresh out of the dryer, or the side of the bed that he curled into just a little while ago while Liam left to - 

“Zayn.” Liam is kneeling now, his weight on his hands on either side of Zayn’s hips. He reaches up and puts a hand on Zayn’s face. “Where’d you go?”

“I got distracted…by your eyes.” Zayn mumbles the last part, a little embarrassed to admit how easily he could do just that. “I look at you and I just feel…I can’t describe it. You’re ready to go down on me and all I can do is think about how much I love you and how happy I am to be here, with you. And your eyes, Liam, looking in your eyes is like falling into a hug, where I know you’ll be holding me tight and keeping me safe…No, you weren’t supposed to get sad!”

“I’m not sad, Zayn. I’m just really fucking in love with you. And every time you tell me how you feel I’m a bit overwhelmed. It goes right to the deepest parts of me, makes me emotional. If I’m teary, they’re happy tears. Yeah?” Liam moves back up the bed to kiss Zayn properly again. “This still what you want? Or you want to take a break?”

Zayn kisses Liam for a minute, then holds his face in his hands. “Get back down there and finish what you started…Please.” He gives Liam one more kiss before pushing down on his shoulders, making Liam laugh again.

“Well, I guess that’s pretty clear. Alright. Still need you to tell me how you want me to get your attention though.” Liam starts kissing his way down Zayn’s torso again, but a bit quicker this time. Zayn takes one of Liam’s hands in his own and squeezes, keeping their hands linked. “Just squeeze my hand tight. And I’ll do the same. And I’ll keep my other hand in your hair if that’s alright.”

Liam nods and keeps moving down Zayn’s body, almost back where he was a minute ago. He feels a nudge on his left side from Zayn’s knee. He looks up at Zayn who’s smirking. “Even me out?” Liam smiles and spreads Zayn’s legs again, this time moving to his right thigh to give him a matching bruise on that leg. “Just tell me what you want and it’s yours.”

Zayn gets lost in the sensation again almost immediately, feeling Liam’s stubble on his inner thigh, an area he didn’t know was so sensitive (then again, nothing with anyone else has ever meant as much as it does with Liam, so that’s probably part of it), loving the combination of Liam’s soft lips and scruffy face. He feels Liam squeeze his hand so he looks down again, sees that Liam’s waiting for his permission before moving on. “Yeah, whenever you want, Li. I’ll tell you if I want you to stop. Already amazing.” Zayn’s breathing is already a bit heavier, his body flushing in response to Liam’s proximity to his dick.

“You seem a bit sensitive already, so I’m going to use my hand first. That alright?” Liam squeezes Zayn’s hand while he talks, waiting for his response. When he gets a breathy, “Fuck, you’re observant. Yeah, hand first.” he kisses Zayn’s thigh one more time before taking Zayn gently in his left hand, slowly moving around him. Zayn responds immediately, squirming beneath Liam, the hand in his hair a bit tight. “Want me to slow down?” Liam asks.

“No, just not used to it feeling this good. I’m adjusting. Keep going.” Zayn squeezes Liam’s hand reassuringly and relaxes the hand he has in Liam’s hair. Liam moves back to Zayn’s left thigh, kissing the spot where his leg meets his torso while slowly warming Zayn up with his hand. “Actually-” Liam stops immediately, removing his hand and pulling back. “No, keep going, I just was wondering if I could put a leg around your back. I think more contact would help me stay…here.” Liam smiles wide and places Zayn’s left leg around his back. “Like this?” Zayn nods with a small smile. “Yeah, that’s better. Thanks.”

“You still want me to keep going?” Liam asks while rubbing a soothing hand on Zayn’s chest.

“Yes, I think I’m good now. I’m learning what I need. You’re the only person who’s ever like made sure I stay in the moment. That I’m always ready. Makes me so much less anxious.”

“Right, well we need to unpack that. Now or later?” Liam is frowning slightly but he’s not going to make Zayn talk about that right now if it’s not the time.

“Later. Definitely later. Right now your mouth on my dick is basically all I can think about.” Zayn giggles, but there’s no embarrassment, just giddy excitement. “Was thinking about it yesterday morning, too. But that was in the before.”

“And now we’re in the after.” Liam smiles wide, thinking of how far they’ve come in just a day. “Okay if I use my mouth now? Really want to taste you.” Liam flushes, not usually this bold.

“Yes, now please. Squeeze my hand if I start to float away again.” Zayn lets his head fall back, calming his breathing and caressing Liam’s head with his right hand while giving his hand a gentle squeeze with his left. “I’m ready, babe. I want your mouth on me.”

“Look at me, Z.” Liam waits just a moment more, squeezes Zayn’s hand back and waits for their eyes to meet. “You tell me the second you’re uncomfortable, alright?” Zayn nods, so Liam turns his attention back to what he was doing, using his left hand to guide Zayn into his mouth and starts by licking the underside with his tongue flat, letting Zayn adjust to the sensation for a moment before doing anything else. Zayn’s hand moves to the back of Liam’s head pushing him forward. Liam smiles before opening his mouth and taking Zayn in about halfway down, going slow and gentle for now. He feels Zayn stop breathing after he moves a few times so he squeezes their hand and pulls back for a moment, waiting for Zayn to come back to him.

Once Zayn’s breathing returns to (almost) normal, Liam starts moving again, taking Zayn deeper with each movement, letting himself enjoy this too now that he’s sure Zayn’s okay. He loves the way Zayn feels under him, his leg wrapped around Liam’s back, one hand in his hair encouraging him to continue, the other tight in his free hand, connected in as many spots as possible. He’s warmed up enough now to take Zayn all the way in, almost reaching his stomach but pulling back quickly so he doesn’t choke. He feels Zayn’s hand tighten on his so he moves his mouth off Zayn and looks up to see them staring at him.

“I just want to tell you you’re exceptional and I’ve never loved anyone more and please keep going.” Zayn smiles at him, out of breath but clearly so fucking happy. Liam smiles wide, kisses Zayn’s stomach and says, “I love you so much and I appreciate you telling me. Back to it then.” Liam squeezes Zayn’s hand again before putting his lips back around Zayn.

Zayn is having the time of his life. This is so much better than he ever imagined. Yeah, he’s been with other people, had plenty of blowjobs in his life. But everything means more now, because it’s Liam. He’s not just experiencing this on a physical level. It’s an emotional, almost spiritual experience. Scratch that, it’s the most spiritual experience he’s ever had. If kissing Liam was ecstasy, this is something he doesn’t have words for. He’s grateful for all the places he and Liam are connected, needing them to keep him tethered to the moment and not dissociate. He didn’t even know he could float away for an entirely good reason, thought that was reserved for the bad or the overwhelming. But he wants to remember this, wants to be fully present. So he tries to ground himself, focus on what he can, run his fingers through Liam’s hair, hold him close with his leg, he needs something on his back…

Liam feels another squeeze on his hand and slows down before pausing and looking to Zayn again. “Can you put your left hand round my back? I just need something behind me.” Liam takes his left arm and moves it behind Zayn, lifting his back gently and placing his hand on the small of his back. “This good?” He asks, waiting for Zayn’s reaction. Zayn pulls on his hand, “Come here for a second?” So Liam moves back up to be on a level with Zayn’s face, surprised when Zayn pulls him in close and kisses him deeply, pressing their bodies together and letting his tongue take over Liam’s mouth. “Thank you, Liam. Just - thank you.” There’s tears in his eyes, but he’s happy, so happy that Liam feels infected with it.

“Okay you can continue, I just needed to kiss you.” Zayn giggles again, pushing Liam back where he came from, getting both of them back into position, one leg behind his back, hands connected, Liam’s other hand behind his back, Zayn placing his own hand back in Liam’s hair, stroking his face for a moment and lingering on his lips then brushing Liam’s hair out of his eyes and tucking a strand behind his ear. “Okay, I’m comfy. Keep going if you want. Obviously only if you want, no pressure, honestly.”

“Oh, I want. I want to choke and gag and spit and make a mess, but I think today we’ll take it slow. We’re still figuring out boundaries for both of us, will be for a while. I’m just so happy to be here with you, doing this together, making both of us feel good. You ready?” Zayn nods and Liam gladly puts his mouth back on Zayn, moving a bit faster now, more confident in both of them and their communication. He takes Zayn deep, using his hand on Zayn’s back to hold him in place so he can move easier, focus on creating gentle pressure and breathing out to dull his gag reflex.

“Jesus fucking Christ. Liam, when did you get so good at this?” Zayn is breathing hard, hand on the back of Liam’s head barely able to keep up with his movements. Instead he focuses on gently rubbing Liam’s hand, letting him know he’s still very much present in the moment and doesn’t want him to stop. He feels Liam hum and was that a little laugh? That little shit. “I’m giving you your other hand back so you can move my hips. I’ll pull you off if I want you to slow down or stop…As if.”

Liam has both hands behind Zayn’s back now, careful not to hold him down, just give himself more leverage by keeping Zayn steady. Both of Zayn’s hands are in his hair now, gentle and soft, somehow not a single tug yet, despite how quickly he’s moving. That’s good, he’ll know if Zayn starts to get uncomfortable by the way his hands sit in his hair. He keeps moving for another minute, loving the taste of Zayn in his mouth and the sweat he can feel starting on his back. Liam can tell when Zayn’s response changes, knows when he starts to let go and gets closer to his release. Zayn’s breathing gets shallower, his stomach muscles holding steady, and his hands moving slower in his hair. Liam stops so he can ask, “You want to come in my mouth? I want that, but it’s up to you, I know you’re close.” Zayn nods, breathing hard and eyes dilated. “Yeah, I want that.”

Liam briefly runs his hands up and down Zayn’s back, bringing him back to the moment again before taking Zayn down all the way one more time, then staying near the tip, moving fast and keeping the pressure constant. He only has to move his head a few more times before Zayn arches off the bed and lets go. Liam can feel the throb of Zayn’s orgasm, can taste it on his tongue, hear it in the way Zayn groans before bringing a hand up to cover his own mouth and stifle the noise. Liam keeps moving for a minute, slower while helping Zayn down, hands moving softly on his lower back and eventually moving Zayn’s leg away from his back so he can shift out of his spot between Zayn’s legs.

Zayn has never been so present for one of his orgasms, even when alone. Liam kept him fully aware, feeling everything as it was happening, experiencing the past fifteen or so minutes with each of his senses. It’s overwhelming, a completely new sensation for Zayn. He feels like something has shifted in him, didn’t know this level of comfort and pleasure and affection could coexist, and that it would feel like this when it did. He’s really not sure what he’s feeling, just knows it’s completely different. He feels a bit…panicked? “Liam, what the fuck. Is that - should it always have been like that? I don’t know what...I’m a different person now, I think…Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Something is different.” He pulls on Liam, wanting him on top of him while he comes back into his body. Liam moves back up the bed, concern on his face.

“Are you alright? You don’t look alright. Did I hurt you? Was that too much?” Liam lays next to Zayn facing him, one hand on Zayn’s chest, the other waiting, knowing something’s happening.

“Hold me? Please?” Zayn feels tears starting behind his eyes. “No, you didn’t hurt me. Nothing like that. You’re everything, I just - I don’t know what’s happening.”

“Come here.” Liam pulls Zayn into his chest as he starts crying. “It’s alright, it’s fine. You’re safe. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, ever. I’m not leaving, Zayn. I love you and I’m not leaving. I need you to hear that…I think I know what’s going on. You want me to talk you through it?” Zayn nods into his chest but the tears don’t stop when he answers, “I don’t know what’s happening. I’ve never been this happy. Why am I crying? What the FUCK.”

Liam keeps rubbing Zayn’s back, soothing him while he cries. “It’s a trauma response. Totally natural in a situation like this. Let’s work on getting your breathing back first, okay? Then we can talk more. Just like yesterday, breathe with me, yeah?...That’s it. No rush, Z. Just focus on your breathing.” He pulls Zayn onto his chest again. “Can you hear my heartbeat? Focus on that. Feel how steady it is? Try to follow the sound of my heartbeat, feel the way I’m breathing underneath you.” Liam takes Zayn’s hand in his. “Tap out the rhythm into my hand. That’s it.” Liam keeps Zayn there until his breathing evens out again. “What else can you focus on? Tell me. What do you see? What can you smell?”

Zayn takes a deep breath before answering, his exhale still a bit shaky. “I can still hear your heartbeat, steady. And I can feel how warm you are under me. And your chest hair on my cheek. And I can smell you, just you, nothing added. You smell like…well I don’t know how to describe it. It’s a warm smell, nothing sweet or sour, it’s the way your shirts smell when I borrow them. Makes me feel safe. I can see your arm, some of your tattoos circling towards me. Can’t taste much of anything, my mouth feels dry. Do we have water by the bed?” He feels Liam shift and grab something off the nightstand.

“Here. Thought it might come in handy.” Liam hands over a glass of water, helping Zayn up into enough of a sitting position that he won’t choke. “You’re doing great, Z. Drink some water, keep breathing. No rush. Small sips.” He rubs Zayn’s back while he holds the glass with both hands, shaking where they’re wrapped around it. After about half of the glass is empty, Zayn passes it back to Liam. “You too, Liam. You need water after that.” Liam pulls Zayn’s back onto his chest, both sitting upright in bed now, and takes a few sips of the water himself before setting it back on the bedside table. “You want to talk through it now? I think it might help.”

Zayn relaxes back into Liam’s chest and pulls Liam’s arms to wrap around him, focusing on his breathing again before answering. “Yeah. Didn’t expect that. Like, didn’t expect it to feel like that and I’ve never reacted that way after sex.”

“Right, so I’m not a therapist, which by the way have you ever spoken to your therapist about sex before?” Liam has one hand rubbing Zayn’s chest, the other secure around his waist.

“No, not really the most important thing I’ve needed to talk to her about. And I’ve been out most of my life, so it hasn’t been like a crisis at any point during my treatment. And nothing like that,” Zayn gestures vaguely in front of themself, “has ever happened. Which, to be clear, I absolutely loved that, Liam. Just don’t know why it gave me a panic attack. But it didn’t feel like a normal panic attack? Am I making sense?” Zayn turns his face up to look at Liam as he asks.

“You’re making sense. I think you should talk to her about this when you see her next week, but I’ve done some reading up, hoping we might get to this point some day and I wanted to be prepared. Do you think you’ve ever really been fully present in your body when you’ve had sex before? Any kind of sex, with anyone of any gender?” Liam is completely focused on Zayn, but Zayn doesn’t see any judgement in his eyes, so he relaxes a fraction more.

“I thought so at the time, but now it’s obvious to me I wasn’t. That was so…different. I’ve never actually been in my body like that for sex, or for anything, really. But I didn’t realise. Thought that’s just what sex was like, ya know, like it felt good but wasn’t a whole body experience.” Zayn starts playing with Liam’s hand that’s on his waist, gaining comfort from being able to fidget.

“So from what I understand, in the past you’ve probably had a barrier in place. Like your mind has automatically taken you out of the situation, not knowing if it would be safe. Especially since sex is such a vulnerable thing. And you were so young when you learned not to trust physical touch that you wouldn’t even realise. So you dissociate enough that you can still be aware of what’s happening, but not fully feel it. Does that sound right?” Liam takes a break before continuing, wanting to make sure Zayn is up for this. It’s a heavy conversation.

“Yeah, that sounds…yup. You’ve been there for the worst of my dissociations. Not like the concept is new, just sounds like this would be less…dramatic? I guess?...So today. What - why did that happen, do you think?” Zayn settles a bit more in Liam’s lap, holding both of Liam’s arms across his chest now and burying his nose in them, breathing Liam in.

“You trust me, yeah? Like I know you do, but after all this time, your brain didn’t need that barrier anymore. You were actually completely in your body for maybe the first time ever. It will feel more intense for you than the average person because your frame of reference is so much lower. Like most people start at a five out of ten, you start at a two because of the detachment. So where most people have their senses heightened double, yours is multiplied by five. Sorry, why am I making this maths? We’re gay, we can’t do maths.” He feels Zayn laugh gently in his arms, a good sign. “So for you, it’s completely overwhelming. You felt panic after your orgasm because it’s one of the most intense things you’ve ever experienced and your body kicked into the fight flight or freeze response when that much adrenaline hit your system. So even if everything you were feeling was positive, which I sincerely hope it was, it was still overstimulation.”

“It was definitely all positive. I’ve never felt that good in my entire life. I definitely want that again, but maybe now I know what to expect, it won’t catch me off guard. I mean, I’m sure it’ll happen again, especially now you’ve explained it, but I’m hoping it won’t panic me…Did you know that would happen?” He turns to look at Liam again.

“I didn’t know it would happen, but I knew it was a possibility. I take this, I take us, very seriously. And knowing your past and how vulnerable physical touch is, I knew I should do some reading up about sex. So I started looking into it when we were…16? Probably? Might be one of the first things I properly researched. Look at me now, professional researcher, and very happy partner to the person I started doing research for.” He leans down to kiss Zayn where his face is still turned up to him. “How are you feeling? You alright? I know this is a lot to process.”

“Yeah. Still shaky, like always when the adrenaline spikes that high. But having you here, especially as it’s happening, and you know how to stop it before it gets out of hand, that really helps.” Zayn stretches up for a quick kiss before resettling. “You know exactly how to bring me back and never make me feel bad about it…I can’t believe how absolutely lucky I am to have you.”

“Shhhhh none of that, babe. It’s just part of loving you. It’s not a chore or a burden in any way. Knowing how to love you is literally the bare minimum requirement. I never liked most of the people you’ve dated, but I figured that was mostly just being protective. But maybe I knew they just didn’t fucking deserve you, weren’t willing to love you the way you should be. And like, you have to put up with all kinds of shit with me too. The way I always go around tidying, my anxiety about most things, there’s plenty of things that require work to love me too. But society hasn’t conditioned it to be thought of as difficult in the same way.” Liam runs his hand through Zayn’s hair, pushing it out of his eyes so he can see Zayn properly.

“You’re so fucking smart. Might be my favourite thing about you. Well, I have a lot of favourite things about you. But your brain.” Zayn whistles softly. “I could listen to your thoughts all day and never tire of it. You unscatter me, help me rearrange my puzzle pieces until they’re a recognizable shape again. I love you so much. You’re a remarkable person, and I’m so glad you love me too.” Zayn turns around all the way now, holds Liam’s face in his hands before kissing him with his whole heart, their joined lips the way he knows how to express all he’s feeling.

Liam holds Zayn around his back, closes his eyes while Zayn kisses him, feels them both relaxing again, the tension of the morning ebbing away. When Zayn pulls back from the kiss Liam presses their foreheads together so they can breathe in the same space for a minute. He feels the peace settle back into the room, the rest of the house still quiet for now.

“I think you should try to take a nap. I woke you up early, on accident but still, and after all that you definitely need some rest. Not sure if I’ll fall back asleep, but I’m content to just lay here and let you drool on me while the world wakes up around us.” Liam smiles, so fond that Zayn feels his chest tighten in response.

“A nap sounds like a good idea. But don’t let me sleep too late.” Zayn pulls them both back down into the bed, wrapping Liam’s arm around his waist again, fitting himself into Liam’s front and lining up their bodies from toe to chest.

“I won’t. Besides, we have a busy afternoon and evening today.” Liam smiles, waiting for that to process. 

“...we what?” Zayn turns his head around. “Explain yourself. I love activities.”

“I might have planned an activity or two for us. A proper date. Maybe you remember me mentioning it yesterday…” Liam grins, knowing Zayn’s about to excitedly flail at him.

“You planned what now? When? We haven’t spent a moment apart since the before times.” Zayn has turned most of his body around, wanting to know more, already excited for the rest of the day now, his eyes lit with giddy energy.

“Most of it’s been planned for over a year, but I ironed out the details Thursday night while I packed for us. I had a good feeling about this weekend and where we were headed.” Liam leans forward and kisses Zayn, one hand on the side of his face, rubbing his thumb over Zayn’s cheekbone.

“I love your lips.” Zayn says directly into said lips. “They’re my favourite colour…besides purple. But that’s like the colour I can tell people, not the one I can’t explain.”

“You mushy romantic little sap. God, how I love you. I love your lips, too, Z. Similar colour. Rose, right?”

Zayn turns back around with a huff. “Yes. Rose. It’s our colour…Now let me sleep so I can look well rested on our date. We’re taking a thousand pictures. I know you’re romantic as fuck, so I’ll need to rest up in advance.”

“Damn right. I’m gonna romance the shit out of you.” Liam mumbles into the back of Zayn’s neck.

“Let’s hope not literally. That’s what prep is for.” Zayn smirks, proud of his joke, and snuggles into Liam again. “Now shush. You’ve stolen my energy with that beautiful mouth of yours. Gotta sleep it off.”

“Yes, sleep, Briar Rose…Think I might call you that. Why didn’t I think of that before.” Liam feels a hand come around and cover his mouth. “Right, sorry. Sleep. Love you.” Liam gets a fond “love you” mumbled into his arm before he feels Zayn let out a big sigh and relax into sleep again.

***

Liam doesn’t fall back asleep, and after about ten minutes of trying he gets to thinking. And he remembers how Z blushed when he posted that picture from the cafe yesterday. And then he also realises he didn’t post his own update to instagram now that they’re official. He spends another few minutes thinking through what quote he wants to use and finally lands on one from Jane Eyre, one that he’s seen Z annotate in each copy they own.

@LPayne posts a picture of them from the night before, one that his mom had taken when they returned to the wedding reception and were just about to kiss. They look so in love, so happy, Liam feels his chest tighten in the best way just looking at it. He captions the picture, “I have for the first time found what I can truly love - I have found you. You are my sympathy - my better self - my good angel - I am bound to you.”

Liam sets the phone aside, snuggles back into Zayn, and thinks about the day ahead. He’s been planning this for so long, bits and pieces since they were teenagers, but the specifics for the past year or so. It was always going to be Zayn. Every time he saw a yellow rose he would send a picture to Zayn. Whenever he quoted a poem about love, Zayn’s face would appear in his mind. If his students asked about queer literature, it took concerted effort not to spend an hour talking about Zayn’s writing. He loves Zayn so deeply and so completely that this moment, laying together in the quiet morning light, was inevitable. This specific moment. They needed to wait, needed to get to this place before it could work. And they did. They waited and they loved each other through every second, knowing this was where they were headed. And that has made all the difference.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 9

A gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth is how Zayn wakes up again about two hours later. He feels rested and smiles into the kiss, squinting his eyes against the now fully risen sun. Automatically, he reaches out and grabs whatever part of Liam is nearest, which this time is an arm. Yanking a bit, he feels Liam lose his balance and fall into Zayn, laughing while he collapses on top of him. “Time’s it?” Zayn grumbles.

“Just about ten. Figured you’d want to get up soon.” Liam has repositioned himself to face Zayn who finally opens his eyes to the sight of his partner smiling fondly at him and reaching out a hand to caress his face while brushing his hair out of his eyes. “You ready to get up?”

Zayn thinks it over for a moment, eyes travelling over Liam’s face while staying bundled up in the blankets. “Hmmm…Kiss me awake and I’ll let you know.” Liam grins and leans forward to give Zayn one single, lingering kiss. “True love’s kiss to wake the sleeping Princess Aurora?”

“Something like that.” Zayn breathes back, feeling like he’s in a film. He waits, pursing his lips until Liam giggles and starts kissing him again, Zayn now pushing the blankets down a bit so he can extricate his arms. They take Liam’s face in their hands, keeping him in place after pausing for breath. “Don’t shave before our date. I like you scruffy…That sounds demanding…Do whatever you want with your face and your body and your life, I’m just letting you know I enjoy how you look with your beard growing in and I think you look fit and I also like how it feels when we kiss and do other things and -”

Liam cuts Zayn off with another kiss followed by, “shhh, I know what you meant. I know you would never tell me what to do with my body, Z.” He holds Zayn’s hands where they remain on his face, rubbing his thumbs across Zayn’s knuckles. “I’m already dressed for the morning, in case you hadn’t noticed, and no I don’t plan on shaving because as subtle as you think you may be, I am very aware of how much you like my beard. Even in the before times you would find any excuse to scratch my scruff and rub your face in it, like some sort of overgrown kitten.”

“You’re already dressed and ready? I wanted to shower together.” Zayn genuinely looks upset. “Wanted to get you all soapy and wash each other’s hair.”

“Plenty of time to do that for the rest of our lives. You’re stuck with me now, remember? Besides, not much room in this shower. Maybe we save that particular moment of intimacy for when we’re not always ten feet away from one of my family members.” Liam pulls Zayn’s hands away from his face, kissing them gently. “You, however, should go shower and get ready for the day so we can go get tea. Mum and dad and the girls already had their breakfast, so I figured we’d go back to the cafe and take our time this morning. We don’t need to be anywhere until mid afternoon. Thought I’d go for a run with dad after we get back, and I thought you may want some time alone to call your dad?”

“How do you always do that?” Zayn is genuinely amazed by Liam’s ability to read him, know what he wants and needs without even asking, though of course he always does ask to confirm. “Been a bit worried about it the past few days. Not like worried, more just…it’s going to be more of a conversation than just telling him how fucking happy and in love we are, you know? He knows enough of our history to know what it took me, took us, to get where we are. And of course we’ll talk about my mom…But I’m not as worried about that bit as I had been a few days ago. To be honest, don’t think we’d be here if I hadn’t had that breakdown yesterday. Needed to get that out of the way before I was 100% ready for this.”

Liam is listening patiently, letting Zayn share his anxieties. God knows Zayn has heard enough of Liam’s over the years. “I’ll make sure to take a while then, give you plenty of time. Have to pick up a few things for our date. Might have my dad help with that. He’s where I get my romance skills from, always doing little things to show my mum how in love he is. Been so lucky to have them to look up to…Anyway, he’ll enjoy it and I don’t get to spend as much time with him since we moved to London.”

“Imagine your parents once we have kids…Oh god what if they want to move in? I love your parents, but no. Same building, I would consider. Beyond that, we need our space…Why are you laughing?” They’re laying face to face, relaxed into the pillows and hands held between them.

“Just like hearing you talk so easily about our future. It makes me so happy, Zayn. I want everything with you. Wedding, marriage, kids, all of it. And you’re going to be such a great parent.” Liam’s running one of his socked feet along Zayn’s calves, waking his body up a bit more with the contact.

“Oh I know. I’ll be the fun one.” Zayn smirks and leans forward to give Liam a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’m aware. Now. You - “ Liam moves his hands to squeeze Zayn’s waist. “Need to go shower so we can get going. I’m kicking you out of bed.”

“Prince Phillip would never.” Zayn looks scandalised, but it doesn’t reach his eyes which stay fond and gorgeous.

“Prince Phillip was a twink, so you are absolutely right. More likely to run off with the stable hand once his duty to the kingdom was taken care of.” Liam takes the sheets off Zayn while he talks and before Zayn can react he has him in his arms, carrying him off the bed before setting him down on his feet and kissing Zayn’s forehead. “Shower. Now. I’m about to get bossy.”

“About to? Get?” Zayn teases Liam with a gentle swat to his bum. “Maybe I like when you’re bossy.” He winks at Liam over his shoulder while walking to the bathroom and shutting the door softly behind him. Liam smiles at the closed door for a moment before making the bed and picking out something for Zayn to wear. Purple jumper it is.

***

They walk into the cafe hand in hand, laughing about something Liam just said, completely in their own world. While they wait in line Zayn makes yet another attempt to find out what they’re doing for their date later that day, despite being completely unsuccessful for the ten minute walk over. “Just a hint! I have to know what to wear at least. That’s only fair.” 

“What you’re wearing is fine, but I’ll make sure we have layers for when it gets colder tonight. Already planned for that, Z. Give me some credit.” They’re second in line now and Liam pushes Zayn forward gently so he can hug him from behind, wrapping his arms around Zayn and holding him close. “Don’t want to spoil the surprise. We only get one first date, babe.” He kisses Zayn’s neck, his cheek, the side of his head, Zayn leaning into it with his eyes closed and a small smile.

“Well if it isn’t the inevitable, here to remind me that I’m always right. Oi, Payne. He’s not going anywhere, you can spare a glance for the rest of the world for a moment.” Ella calls to them from her spot at the counter. “Alright, Zayn?”

“Ella, lovely to see you, as always. Forgive my partner, he’s trying to avoid spoiling a surprise of some sort. You’d think he’d tell me anything I wanted if I flutter my eyelashes. Guess not.” Zayn laughs when he hears Liam’s annoyed scoff.

“Keep it up and I’ll cancel the whole thing.” Liam says before releasing Zayn and taking up his hand again, walking forward to meet Ella at the counter.

“Please. You would never.” Ella says to him, smiling wide. “You ordering for everyone again today?”

“Just us. Rest of the Paynes have been up for a while.” Zayn turns to Liam saying, “I got this one, babe. Go get us a table outside.” He runs a hand along Liam’s scruff before kissing him sweetly and gently shoving him away towards the patio. Liam winks at Ella before walking away, but Zayn misses it. “I would say sorry, but honestly not even a bit apologetic. We’re going to be all over each other for the next 50 or so years.”

“S’fine. Surprised it’s taken this long. I remember what things were like growing up. Two of you were always endgame, mate. At least you missed the morning rush so you’re not holding up the line with your obsessive cuddling.”

“You already know our order, Ella. I saw you start our drinks when we walked in. Good try at playing annoyed, but I know you still like us. Disgustingly in love and all.” Zayn feels his phone vibrate and when he checks it’s a text from Liam that just says love you to which he rolls his eyes and gratefully accepts their tea from Ella. “Thanks. Keep the change.” With a wink he turns around and smiles when she says, “This is 30 pounds, Zayn.”

“Consider it a thank you for putting up with us.” Zayn calls over his shoulder while walking out onto the patio.

“I love you, too.” Zayn says, leaning down to kiss Liam and setting their tea on the table. “I fell in love the way you fall asleep, just like Hazel said.”

“Come here.” Liam tugs Zayn to sit on his lap so he can hold him close, one hand on the back of Zayn’s head, the other holding his waist. He feels Zayn sigh and relax into him, putting his arms around Liam’s neck and nuzzling into his hair, a moment just for them no matter who is around. When Liam loosens his grip Zayn whispers, “not yet.” So Liam holds him tight a bit longer until Zayn is ready, and they go back to having their tea on the patio, sat on opposite sides of the table, feet tangled underneath and hands bridging the gap. And in both their heads the same soundtrack is playing, the beat of their hearts and the lull of their voices matching every note.

***

“You ready to go, dad?” Liam calls up the stairs from the kitchen. Zayn and Karen are sat at the kitchen table, gossiping like ladies who lunch about the wedding guests from yesterday. Liam’s obsessed with it.

“Keep your pants on. Haven’t been for a run in a while.” Geoff rounds the corner into the kitchen, now in workout gear and running shoes. “We’re coming back before we run errands, yeah? I’m gonna be disgusting.”

“Yeah we’ll work up too much of a sweat if you’re able to keep up with me. Just a few things we’ll need to pick up anyway.” Liam ignores Zayn’s “tell me tell me tell me” from across the room and grabs water bottles for both of them from the fridge. “One sec,” he says to his dad, who’s still in the doorway. Liam walks over to Zayn, pulls him up from his chair, and dips him like they’re in a movie while kissing him. When they’re upright again he pulls Zayn close to whisper in his ear, “It’s gonna be fine. Your dad loves you, full stop. No conditions.”

Zayn recovers from the somersault in his stomach from that kiss to whisper back, “Yeah. Just nervous. It’s a big phone call.”

Liam twirls Zayn this time before giving him a fleeting kiss, bringing Zayn’s hand up to hold his face. “Look at me. I love you. Always have, yeah? I know you have to talk to your dad before you can properly enjoy our date. I’ll make sure you have space to talk. Keep dad busy running errands later, and mom will stay away. The girls are busy shopping. Take your time.” Zayn pulls him back in to kiss him one more time, running a hand across his cheek and whispering, “thank you” into the kiss before finally letting him go.

“Let’s go old man. Keep up.” Liam pokes his dad in the stomach as he walks past him out of the kitchen and hands him one of the water bottles. They wind each other up the rest of the way out the door and onto the path.

***

About twenty minutes into their run Geoff signals to Liam to pause. “Let’s turn around soon. I think 5k is good enough.” Liam’s out of breath and he’s worked up a good sweat. “Yeah, okay. I guess it’s Sunday.”

“The Lord’s Day.” Geoff says, making both of them laugh.

“Race you home.” Liam says, staying just ahead of his dad the rest of the run just to mess with him.

***

Zayn and Karen pause their conversation when they hear Milo barking followed by the front door opening and Liam and Geoff walking back in the house.

“Fun’s over. The stinky men are here.” Karen rolls her eyes. Zayn laughs but gets up from his spot. “Be right back, mum.”

“I’ll put the kettle on. Get you some tea before you call your dad.” Karen busies herself with the kettle and a few mugs while Zayn goes to meet Liam in the entryway.

Liam spots Zayn walking his way and turns to him beaming, energised from his run. “Zayn, the weather is perfect! Exactly what we need for the afternoon.” He pulls Zayn into a hug, wiping his sweaty head all over every part of him he can reach. “See you in a few, dad. Just need you to bring yourself, I’ll drive.”

“Ugh. You’re sweaty, and it’s not even for any fun reasons. Go shower.” Zayn sounds annoyed, but he kisses Liam before shoving him off again. “Have a good run?”

“Great run. I give dad a hard time, but he keeps up. Impressive, really.” Liam’s holding Zayn at arm’s length now, not wanting to actually annoy him with his sweat. “You have a good chat with mum?”

“Mostly just gossip. When she and I get going it’s hard to stop us, and yesterday gave us plenty to go off about.” Zayn doesn’t mind the sweat so much, not right now, and he pulls Liam into him and gives his shirt a sniff. “Hm…I think I might have a thing for this…something to explore later.” He licks Liam’s neck, tasting his sweat before biting him just behind the ear, causing Liam to flush and pull Zayn closer, immediately turned on. Zayn’s eyes are wide and he’s staring at Liam’s mouth as if it holds the secrets of the universe.

“I’m gonna go shower now before we absolutely ruin the date I have planned. If you’re trying to trick me into telling you, it’s working. Naughty.” Liam gives Zayn another kiss before heading up the stairs to the loft. “Give me ten to shower and change then the loft’s all yours.”

Zayn hangs on the bannister watching Liam disappear up the stairs before returning to the kitchen to have tea with Karen while waiting for Liam to finish in the loft. He takes his seat at the table again as Karen walks over with two steaming cups of Yorkshire.

“Do you remember the first time you called me mum?” She peers at Zayn over her mug, blowing gently on the top of the tea.

“I would say it was that day I called you from the bus stop, but I don’t think so. Think it was before then.” Zayn is holding the mug in both of their hands, looking into the depths just to have something to see.

“I think that was the first time I was your mum. But no, you’re right. It was before then.”  Karen pauses, remembering the day at the bus stop, which she never had the full story for, but she knows that’s private and Zayn doesn’t have to tell her. She would have dropped everything to be there no matter what. “It was a few months before then. We were all on holiday together visiting the Horans in Ireland. Remember we used to do that every summer?”

Zayn nods, smiling, memories of racing though fields and nights spent in scratchy jumpers crossing his mind. “That was a great summer. They all were. Still go back and look at those pictures sometimes.”

“So do I.” Karen has a twinkle in her eye. “Anyway. One night you all had a very long day of terrorizing the lot of us and we were all settling in for dinner. You came up to me while I was setting the table with Geoff and gave me a big hug. When I turned around and knelt down to hug you back you put your tiny arms around my neck and said ‘thank you, mum’ in your quiet little voice and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Always such a sweet kid. And when I asked you what for you just said, ‘Liam.’ And then you ran away to go play with the others again.” Zayn looks at her with tears in his eyes, never having heard that story before.

“I guess nothing has changed, then.” Zayn feels a tear slide down his cheek and fall into his tea. “I’m so grateful for you, for all of you, but especially for Liam. And you and Geoff are the reason. You’re such incredible parents. You love your kids unconditionally, and you took me in, took my whole family in. No idea what we would’ve done without you, without this house and without your family. I guess I knew, even as a kid, that you were going to be my mum someday. And now you’ll actually be my mum. D’you ever think this was going to happen?”

“I hoped. Especially when Liam told his dad that he was going to marry you when you two were about 11. Geoff came running to tell me, wanted to start planning the wedding that night. Silly man. But I guess maybe he was right. I always hoped you two would keep each other, and you always have. Lou and Harry have each other, Niall has Shawn now…and you and Liam, you’ve always had each other. Always been there taking care of one another, loving each other in every way you know how. I’m so happy, for you, for Liam, for all of us. Don’t tell the girls, but you’re probably my favourite. We’ve always been a little closer than the rest of the group. Always felt like you were one of my own and now you really are.”

“I’m crying into my tea. Look at us. Blubbering messes. We’re a couple of old hens.” Zayn laughs while the tears keep falling, but they’re happy tears. Karen wipes away her own then reaches across the table to grab Zayn’s hand and squeeze it tight. They sit like that for another few minutes sipping their tea until they’re interrupted by Liam and Geoff re-entering the kitchen, each walking over to the table to love on their respective partners.

“I hope those were happy tears I see.” Liam says as he hugs Zayn from behind, wiping a tiny tear from the corner of their eye. “This is a happy day. Smiles, sunshine, puppies - “

“PUPPIES?!” Zayn squawks. “Will there be puppies?”

“What have I done? No, babe, there will not be puppies. But I promise there will be plenty of other things. For now, you can hug Milo and stop asking me what all I have planned. You’ll know soon enough, but dad and I need to go pick up a few things and then we can go on our date. Deal?” Liam kisses Zayn while he pouts. “I never should have mentioned puppies, should I?”

“Probably not, no.” Geoff says from his spot behind Karen, his hands gently massaging her shoulders. “You ready to go?”

“I’ll meet you in the car in a minute. Zayn,” Liam helps Zayn out of his chair and picks up his tea for him. “Up to the loft with you now. Can’t have you peeking when we get back.” Liam walks Zayn all the way upstairs, a bit unnecessary, Zayn thinks, but when Liam sets Zayn’s tea down on the bedside table and presses him into the wall by the door, he smiles into the kiss.

“Naughty. And here I was thinking you just wanted to make sure I got some alone time.” Zayn pulls Liam into him, their snogging messy and rushed.

“Can’t blame me for wanting a moment alone with you. Bit difficult being in my parent’s house for the first few days, but we’ll make do.” Liam is grinding a bit into Zayn now, one hand behind Zayn’s head so he doesn’t get hurt, both of them breathing heavily. “And after the way you fucking licked me after my run. Fuck, Z. Most of that shower had nothing to do with getting clean.”

“Hm. Didn’t know I’d be into it, the sweat and the smell and all. Turns out if it’s you, I am. Next time you go on a run I want to do dirty things to you after. Lick the sweat off you, taste the salt on your skin, have you ride me until you’re shaking, completely worn out. Fuck, look at us.” Zayn stops kissing Liam and puts their foreheads together, arms still around Liam. “We should probably stop. Your dad’s waiting in the car and he definitely knows what we’re up to.”

“He can wait another minute. Can I-” Liam moves to Zayn’s neck and immediately gets a “Fuck yes. Please.” in response so he starts work on another love bite, Zayn moaning at the sensation. “You’re never allowed to shave again. Ever. Fuck, babe.” Liam makes quick work of it, using his teeth a bit and smiling with every completely out of control noise that Zayn is making. “I love how loud you can be. Our neighbours are going to hate us.” Liam leaves Zayn’s neck to snog him again, slower now, calming them both down a bit before they have to go their separate ways.

“What say we skip the date and just fuck right now? Haven’t prepped but I don’t even fucking care.” Zayn is completely serious, but Liam laughs into another kiss. “We are definitely going on this date. And you’ll be glad we did.”

“You should maybe clean yourself up a bit before you go back downstairs. You’re wrecked.” Zayn runs his fingers through Liam’s hair where he’s messed it up. 

“Nah, dad’s seen worse. Now. You. Phone. I have shit to do and you have news to share.” Liam pulls them both away from the wall and opens the bedroom door behind him. “I love you” kiss “I love you” another kiss “I love you” and another one “okay I’m going…one more for good luck?” Zayn rolls his eyes but leans forward and kisses Liam once more before closing the door on him. “Love you too.” He says through the door before walking over to sit on the bed and picking up his now lukewarm tea.

***

“You know what I’ve been thinking about recently?” Geoff says from the passenger seat, Liam driving them into town incredibly cautiously. He’s always driven a bit like a granny.

“Hm?” Liam is focused on turning the corner so he’s not looking at his dad.

“You never actually came out to me. Or your mum. Guess you never had to.” Geoff’s looking out the window, people watching while they chat. “D’you ever wish you had like, that moment?”

“Haven’t thought about it much, to be honest. I don’t even remember a time before I was telling you about my crushes and those crushes always included all genders.” Liam turns down a side street and pauses waiting for a pedestrian to cross. “But…I don’t know. I’m glad I never had to come out to you and mum. Means I was never ‘in’ so to speak. Didn’t have to hide.”

“I remember the first time you mentioned a label, but it wasn’t really a coming out. You just made a joke about being a bisexual disaster when your sisters were teasing you. I didn’t get the reference at the time, but I think we all just sort of continued with our day.” Geoff’s watching Liam now, genuine curiosity in his posture.

The road clear of foot traffic, Liam slowly makes his way down the road. “You and the other parents ever talk about it? Sometimes I think it’s wild that the five of us are all queer, while a majority of the rest of the siblings aren’t. But then I think it makes sense given being raised in similar environments and statistics and whatnot. Wonder if we would’ve been as close if we weren’t.”

“Hard to say. The five of you have always been closer than the rest of the siblings. Part of that’s age, but I think you’re just…matching. Always played off each other instinctually. And then as adults you all live in each other’s pockets…And yeah. We talk about it sometimes. Especially when you lot were teens and were dealing with the kids at school. And definitely after everything with Trish.”

“D’you remember that day? I do. Fucking awful.” Liam parks the car, but doesn’t turn it off yet. He turns to his dad while unbuckling his seatbelt. Geoff removes his own, thinking for a moment before asking, “What do you remember about it? We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. It was awful.” Liam turns the car off now, but neither of them makes to get out of their seats.

“I remember getting home from school and there the Maliks were, minus Trish. And Zayn just threw himself at me. Just completely collapsed, like he was unconscious. I’d never seen him like that before. I carried him upstairs and let him cry it out. He didn’t tell me anything that day. Not til the next when we all took the day off school. And work." Liam pauses and takes a deep breath, staring out the windshield. “All you and mum told us was that the Maliks were staying with us for a while, and they could talk about it when they were ready. And mum kept bringing tea while I sat watching over Z. I’d had Zayn’s things moved into the loft with me while he just laid there staring out the window. I don’t think either of us slept for about two days, especially once he started telling me what happened.”

Geoff’s watching out the window now too while people pass the car going about their business. They’re both looking, but the only thing they’re seeing are their memories of that night. “Wasn’t much better with Yaser. We got the girls to bed early. They weren’t nearly as bad as Z, still traumatised but nothing like Zayn. God, I remember when you got home, the way the fight just left him. Like a rag doll.” Geoff shivers from the memory, clearly still affected by it even a decade later. “Anyway, I left work that day when I got that call. He told me enough for us to agree immediately, no questions asked. All he had to do was say Trish was hurting Zayn, no specifics. He was beyond words. We’d already suspected, but obviously we didn’t know for sure. She was good at hiding it…Your mum and I felt guilty for months, wishing we had said something sooner. Had noticed more. Can’t even imagine the kind of pain Yaser was in once he knew. Genuinely can’t imagine. Your mum would never, and I don’t know what I would have done in his place.” Geoff sniffles and covers his mouth with his hand.

“He did the only thing he could: protect Zayn and the girls. And he was smart to just leave in the middle of the day while she was at work.” Liam looks over at his dad across the centre console.

“That was my idea. Knew someone in a similar situation who’d always wished they’d thought to do that. And Anne and Jay jumped in immediately to go pack up the rest of their stuff and drive it here.”

Reaching out a hand, Liam squeezes his dad’s knee gently. “You and mum did all you could, more than most. You rearranged our entire lives in less than a day.” Geoff pats Liam’s hand and gives it a quick squeeze before Liam moves it back to his own side of the car.

“Would’ve done the same for any of the other families too. We were close before you kids were born, and that only got stronger raising you all together. Spent more time with our group than with our extended families.”

Liam looks out the window again lost in his thoughts, fidgeting with the keys in his lap. “...How’d you…What made you suspect? About Trish, I mean. Cuz I never liked her, but didn’t know why.”

“I think you just picked up on cues from Zayn, even if you didn’t realise it. Your mum used to get in fights with her quite often when you lot were younger because of some of the comments she would make. Nasty homophobic things. All the mums would fight with her about it, but Karen made it personal. She always had a special soft spot for Zayn, from the first time they met when he was a few weeks old. I think her instincts kicked in early, long before we knew what was going on.” Geoff pauses, considering what to say next. “And at a point it became obvious that Zayn was absolutely terrified of Trish. The first time he came to stay with us he begged Karen not to go home. I figured he got in trouble for something, but your mum didn’t agree. Said she didn’t know what, but something wasn’t right. And he went through that for another decade before they all came to us.”

They sit in silence for a minute, processing the conversation. It’s much heavier than either of them anticipated when they left to run errands for tonight.

“I just…” Liam stops himself, but Geoff knows.

“You won’t.” He reaches out to Liam and puts a hand on his shoulder, holding tight.

“How do you know?” Liam turns to his dad, earnest concern written all over his face.

Geoff shrugs before answering. “We’re human. It’s inevitable we will cause pain, and that we will feel pain caused by others. But you and Zayn? You’ve been taking care of each other your whole lives. You know how to love each other better than you know how to do anything else. You’ll have fights, everyone does. But you will never hurt each other, not like that…That wasn’t just pain, that was destruction, what Trish did to Zayn…And I know you and I know Zayn. You would both rather get hurt than do anything to cause harm. And give Zayn some credit. He was a kid. She was his mom. Few relationships hold more weight than that of a kid and their parent.” He lets his hand slide off of Liam’s shoulder.

“I know it’s not logical and Zayn deserves better, deserves to live their life to the fullest, but I just want to hide him away and keep him safe sometimes. Not so much anymore. But there were a few years that I felt like I’d go mad. I know he had to do it himself. I know.” Liam has his head in his hands now, talking to the floor. “But I just wanted to help, and there was nothing I could do.”

“Nothing you could do? Liam, he wouldn’t have made it past 17 without you.” Geoff lays a comforting hand on Liam’s back where he’s leaned forward in his seat. “He told me so himself half a dozen times. He didn’t need you to do anything. He just needed you. And he still does.” Liam turns to look at his dad again, still visibly upset. “You can’t fix the whole world, but you can love Zayn and support them and do the work you do. I’m so bloody proud of you, Liam. Proud of both of you. Everyday that you both wake up happy is a big fuck you to those who would rather you live in fear. Nothing you could do?” Geoff shakes his head in disbelief. “Liam you’ve made me so proud with the way you’ve loved Zayn all these years, patient and unselfish and…temperate. I don’t know what changed after that party we had for his first book, but something changed for you two.”

“Yeah…yeah it did.” Liam looks away from his dad and rubs a hand on the back of his neck, looking out the window again.

“It’s fine you don’t have to tell me. That’s private. The point is this. You are the wisest person I know. So emotionally intelligent in a way that can’t be taught. If I had a single concern about you and Zayn being together I would be honest with you.” Geoff waits for Liam to look at him again before continuing. “I can promise you that, father to son, hand on my heart. I think that you two being together is the best thing for both of you. And taking the time to do it right, and making sure you were both ready, you both have shown so much maturity and genuine unconditional love. Like I said, can’t be taught. You and Zayn figured that bit out all on your own.”

“I love Zayn so much. For so long that it’s just a part of me…But it’s more than that, I think. We understand each other. Like it’s not about attraction or compatibility like with other people I’ve been with. Like yeah, Zayn’s fit. Obviously. I mean, I have actually seen him before.” That makes Geoff laugh, glad the mood is brightening a bit. Liam smiles softly before continuing.“But it’s more than just romantic love, you know? I know that without a doubt, no matter what happens or what kind of relationship we have, he’s my person. And he always has been.”

“Yeah, you’ve always been best with Zayn, even when you’ve dated other people. It’s not that they weren’t lovely, impressive people. But they weren’t Zayn.”

“No. They weren’t Zayn…” Liam pauses for a second before a huge grin takes over his face. “But now it’s finally the right time. I can’t tell you how happy I am, dad. Just unbelievably full of light. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this excited to wake up every morning, knowing that even if nothing else good happens, I have him. And he loves me too? I’m the luckiest person to ever live, I swear.”

“Speaking of which.” Geoff points through the windshield at the storefront. “Aren’t we supposed to be getting supplies for you to romance this man of yours? You only get one first date, and this is going to be quite a bit more than a regular date…Why am I not surprised that we’re at the florist?”

“I learned the language of flowers just to impress him because we both loved how the Victorian era authors used it. Around the same time we learned French together…I am so whipped. Bit embarrassing, isn’t it?” But Liam doesn’t seem at all ashamed.

“Nothing embarrassing about love, Liam. Never want you to be embarrassed about that. But yeah. You’ve got it bad. And it’s never been very subtle.” Geoff laughs while opening his car door and stepping outside.

Liam opens his own door and pockets the keys. “Yeah, the girls told me often enough.” Liam rolls his eyes. “Now help me pick up what I ordered from around town so we can go back and I can have the best night of my life.”

“So far.” Geoff adds for him. Liam looks up to the sky and responds, “I can’t wait.”

***

Z: You busy?

Yaser: For you, never too busy.

Z: Can I call you?

Z: Actually can we videochat?

Yaser: everything alright, Z?

Z: Yeah, great :)

Z: Just got something to tell you.

Yaser: Call you in just a minute. Your sisters are being loud.

Z: Always.

Zayn paces the loft while waiting for his dad to call. He plugs his phone in and sips his tea, jumping when he hears it ring. His dad’s face is looking up at him from the screen, a picture of the two of them from a few years ago on the night of his second book release. They had gotten all five families together again, this time at Anne’s place, and it had been one of the best nights of Zayn’s life.

“Alright, dad?” Zayn answers the call while sitting cross legged on the bed, back against the headboard.

“Left your sisters in the kitchen with the Tomlinson twins working on some bread thing they saw on H’s channel. If they burn the house down, I blame you.” Yaser smiles at his son, always glad to see him. “They miss you, Z.”

“They’re dramatic. Act like I’m never around. I’ve seen all of them in the last month, and I came home to visit this summer for a week.” Zayn misses them too, but he sees them enough. They’ve all got their own lives, all grown up now. “If any of you want to move to London, I’m all for it.”

Yaser laughs, his head falling back. “You could not pay me to live in London. But I know you love it. I’ll just come visit next time one of the others makes a trip. How are Karen and Geoff?”

“You were on the phone with them yesterday morning.” Zayn frowns at his dad. 

“Yeah but we weren’t talking about us. We’re yesterday’s news.” Yaser smirks at his kid now, waiting to see if he’ll say something. “Karen sent me some pictures from before the wedding.”

“Yeah. I, uh, I asked her to send you a few. I never remember and I know you like to have them.” Zayn’s not looking at the screen, instead focusing out the window.

“Gotta be able to show off all my kids. Especially when they look so happy…Are you happy, Zayn?” Yaser waits for Zayn to turn their attention back to the call. Zayn keeps looking outside but he smiles and says, “Yes. So incredibly, unbelievably happy.”

“That’s all that matters, Zayn.”

Zayn turns to look back at his dad now and sees him absolutely beaming through the phone. “So I guess the pictures kinda ruined the surprise?” he asks, a bit shy.

“Wasn’t the pictures that did it, but they’re lovely, Z. Looked like it could’ve been your own wedding day, you looked so happy. Though your sisters might have shown me your instagram post last night with their own commentary attached. They’re a bit excited for you…You seem nervous. You think I’d be upset?”

Zayn shrugs, looking away again. “It’s just…different. It’s Liam.”

“Why would that make a difference? You know we all love Liam. The Paynes are as much our family as anyone. And more than some of our actual relatives.”

“That’s just it. This is…Dad, he’s my forever. This isn’t just someone I’m dating. This is…it.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“You know?”

“It was always going to be Liam. Geoff and I have been planning the wedding for almost 20 years.”

“How…how’d you know?”

“I’ve been your father for almost 29 years. I think I know you pretty well by now.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. His dad has always teased him. “Okay but like how did you know know?”

“Why? Are you having doubts?” Yaser looks genuinely confused.

“No, no nothing like that. Never been more positive or secure in anything in my entire life.”

“Then what are you worried about?”

“Few things. I can be…there’s a lot that comes with me. You know, all the trauma and the nightmares and the panic attacks and the everything else. What if it’s too much?”

“What if you’re too much, you mean?”

“Yeah.” Zayn agrees quietly, tears starting to slip down his cheeks.

“Zayn, listen to me, because you need to hear this. You are not too much. You are not complicated or difficult to love. You are the best person I know, and I am so proud to call you my son. So proud, Zayn. You are a gift. I don’t usually get sappy, so you know I mean this. You are the amazing person you are because of all that, not despite it. You have fought for your life and your love harder than most people could ever imagine. And if Liam is the one? No, I’m not surprised. He has always been your safe person, always the one you would go to when you were upset or happy or for any reason at all. It was always Liam. It was just how you two were, from the time you were babies. When he would get anxious, you could always calm him down. And when you had a panic attack or a nightmare, he was always who you asked for, long before you lived together.”

“Yeah. He makes me feel safe. Always has. It’s just…how he is. It’s hard to describe.”

“Yeah. All the best things are.” Yaser is beaming at his son through the phone. He’s so happy for him and it’s written all over his face.

“It’s only been about a day, but I swear I’ve never been happier, dad. We didn’t rush into this. I’ve known this is what I wanted for so long now, it’s like we were always headed here, we just had to get some things out of the way first…Karen mention I had a panic attack yesterday?” Zayn glances back at the phone.

“She did. It’s not gossip, she just wanted to make sure you had me if you needed me.”

“Yeah, I know. She wouldn’t just blab about that. But she knows I would want you to know if something happened.”

“You alright now? How bad was it?” Yaser’s head is tilted in concern, just the way Zayn always does.

“I had nightmares the night before last. I think that’s what started it cuz then I was already a bit on edge. And I thought I was doing okay but then there was this awful relative that Liam and Geoff had to deal with, and then the mother son dance at the reception. It was just…too much. Caught me off guard.”

“But you had Liam…” Yaser waits for Zayn to continue.

“Yeah, he always knows what to do. Helped me get back to sleep after the nightmares, took care of me during the panic attack. And I um…I told him some things. Things about mum that I haven’t told him before. Or anyone, except my therapist knows most of it. I don’t really want to talk about specifics if that’s alright?” Zayn waits for his dad to nod.

“Of course. You don’t owe me anything, Zayn. I’m glad you felt comfortable with Liam and I hope he handled it well. Those stories can be hard to hear for someone who loves you.”

“Yeah, he’s perfect. Never pushes me to tell him anything and always knows what to say and do and how to make me feel safe when I’m vulnerable like that. But I think I needed that to happen before we could like be together? Like officially?” Zayn is fiddling with the hem of his joggers while he thinks out loud.

“Because you need him to understand?” The head tilt returns while Yaser listens patiently to his kid.

“Because I want him to know all of it. Everything. I think a bit of it was needing to know that even sharing the worst wouldn’t scare him away. But it’s also relevant to me and how I react sometimes, so it made me feel like there’d be less confusion.”

“Yeah I could understand that. Makes sense.”

“But mostly, I think I had to talk about mum not being part of our wedding. That’s really what the panic attack was…I know it shouldn’t bother me and I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. But it still hurts me and I’m still upset that she won’t be part of my life for the big moments. I think I had to share that with Liam because I’m gonna marry him, Dad, and sooner rather than later. I’d elope today if it wasn’t so important to both of us to have the family all there. And it felt like a secret I was hiding, like I couldn’t admit that it still hurt that she wasn’t going to be part of it, part of any of it.” Zayn clears his throat briefly, talking about this with his dad isn’t easy. He reaches out to take a sip of his tea before setting it aside again.

“It’s okay to be upset about that, Zayn. She’s your mom, even if she never deserved to be. You will grieve that relationship however you need to. Just like your sisters and I all had to take our time to make peace with it. None of us will ever be 100% over what happened, and I don’t think we should be. For better or worse, it’s made us who we are. Pretending we aren’t still affected by it wouldn’t help us.”

“Yeah.” Zayn smiles a bit. “Liam said basically the same thing…He’s so smart, dad. And not like book smart. I mean, he is. Absolutely brilliant. But he just understands how people work, how our hearts work. He didn’t judge me for it. And I think I still had a tiny piece of me that thought he would.”

“If there’s one person who will love you unconditionally, it’s Liam. He knows you, Z. He’s not going anywhere.”

“Yeah, keeps telling me I’m stuck with him. As if.” Zayn laughs softly for a moment. “I know that sometimes I’m going to worry that I’m too much. But I’m never going to worry that he’s going to leave, especially now. He knows me better than I know myself, I think. And he loves me anyway. He loves me so much, Dad.” Zayn’s tears are falling fast now, but they’re happy tears. “I love him and he loves me and we’re going to be so happy for the rest of our lives. I never thought I would get to this point.”

“You’ve worked so hard to get here. It’s not easy to do anything that you did, but the thing I’m most amazed by is how you healed. No one else could do that for you.” Yaser is teary now too, overwhelmed with love for his son. “We all loved you and supported you through those years, but you did all the hard work yourself…And now look at where you are, Z. I’m the proudest dad in all England.”

“Thanks, dad. Love you.” is all Zayn can manage, his voice thick from crying.

“Did we get through the sad bits? Can I move on to the teasing now? Back to being the fun dad?”

“I suppose. If you must.” Zayn rolls his eyes but breaks into a wide smile, wiping away any remaining tears.

“So I hear from an old bird or two that there’s a special date planned…”

“Ugh. I know! Said he’s had it planned for a year! How am I supposed to live up to that when it comes my turn?”

“Could be shit. You haven’t had the date yet.”

“It won’t be shit. Liam is a romantic bastard and he’s been planning this one. I may not make it through the night.”

“That what you’re wearing?” Yaser raises his eyebrows at the worn in purple jumper and grey joggers.

“Of course not. You raised me better than that. I’ve got an outfit planned. Gonna make Liam propose on the spot.” Zayn giggles. “I’m sure Karen will take plenty of pictures before we leave. And I know they’ll be sent to the group text, just like the ones from yesterday.”

“Can’t blame us for wanting to share our kids being cute. It’s our turn to be the bragging parents. It’s payback time.”

“Oh I know. Lou’s been losing it all weekend. We’re seeing them when we get back Monday. He’s gonna tear us to shreds…and then lovingly remind us that he’s happy for us and whatever. But the mocking, that’s already started. Can’t send a picture without him making some comment.”

“As if you’re any better. Everyone jokes about Louis and Harry and how obsessed they are with each other. Now it’s not as one sided, so I hope you’ve been preparing. Lou’s sharp. That’s why we have another group chat that’s just the parents with him. He gives us some of our best material.”

“Yeah, that’s cheating by the way. You get dad jokes or nothing.”

“Yeah, alright…” Their laughter dies down naturally and Yaser breaks the silence. “I’m glad we talked. I want you to know how happy I am for you, Zayn. How proud I am…and that Liam’s still my favourite.”

“He’ll always be your favourite. But it’s okay. He’s mine too.”

“Ugh so it begins. Now get off the phone with your old man and go get ready for your hot date. Have fun and be safe and be home by nine and whatever else I’m supposed to say.”

“I’m 28 and haven’t lived with you since I was 16.”

“Do you have protection?”

“Oh my god. GOODBYE DAD.”

“Bye, Z. Love you.”

“Love you too. Tell the girls I say hello.” Zayn waves goodbye before ending the call. He’s glad he made time to talk to his dad before the date. His dad is so important to him and he wanted him to know. Wanted to share his joy. And now he can focus on Liam, on the night ahead (funny they’re doing this like proper boyfriends and all). Zayn pulls his notebook over from the bedside table and opens to a blank page to start a list. He has plenty of time to get ready, just needs to write a few things down first.

***

Z: I’m getting ready for date night. Guess I’ll wear a bikini, underneath a tuxedo, covered by a parka since I can’t know what we’re doing.

Liam: /heart eye emoji/

Liam: Are you getting dressed up?

Liam: You’ll look perfect in anything, Z.

Z: You’re gonna come on sight.

Liam: Is that a promise?

Z: Let me know when you’re here. I want maximum impact.

Liam: I’m sweating. Dad is giving me a concerned look.

Z: Good. It’s already working :)

Liam: I have to get dressed when I get back too. You’re not allowed to distract me. We WILL go on this date.

Z: Okay, maybe I’m a little bit excited.

Liam: You better be. This is some romantic shit I’ve got planned.

Z: Way to undersell it. I have zero expectations.

Liam: I think you’ll be happy.

Z: I’m already happy. I have you.

Liam: BRB driving over the speed limit to come snog you right the fuck now

Z: Gay gasp

Z: You would break the speed limit for me?

Liam: No. But not from lack of love. I just take driving seriously.

Z: Yes, James, we know.

Liam: HEY. Just for that I won’t give you the hint I was going to.

Z: Suit yourself. Then I won’t send you the picture I just took.

Liam: /side eye emoji/

Z: Nope. You’ll have to wait :)

Liam: Be home in ten.

Z: Love you.

Liam: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 10

Zayn hears a knock on the door to the loft. “Are you decent?” Liam asks from outside the door.

“Never.” Zayn smirks, answering from his spot on the bed.

Liam opens the door and immediately drops everything he’s holding. “FUCK.”

Zayn laughs and stands up, posing for Liam. “What’s the matter, babe? Never seen me before?”

“ZAYN.” Liam seems frozen for a moment before pulling his phone out of his pocket and locking the door behind his back. “Hey Google. Set an alarm for ten minutes.” Google’s answer gets muffled by being dropped unceremoniously to the floor at the same time Liam pulls his jumper over his head with one hand. In three steps he reaches Zayn and picks him up.

“Babe, we have a date to get to, remember?” Zayn huffs when Liam lays him down on the bed and starts kissing him into the mattress.

“Blame the eyeliner.” Liam says between them, eyes flickering open momentarily to glance at Zayn again before groaning and rolling over to pull Zayn on top of him. “I set a timer.”

“Don’t think ten minutes is enough.” Zayn straddles Liam, hands on his chest, trying his best to remind himself that they have somewhere to be.

“It’ll have to be.” Liam leans up to kiss Zayn again but Zayn stops him with a gentle hand on his mouth.

“I’m already dressed and ready. You, on the other hand, could use some help getting out of this and into something a bit more…date ready.” Zayn slides his hands under Liam’s shirt and onto his stomach, pushing the fabric up and out of the way. “Let me undress you?”

“You can do whatever you want to me. You’re unbelievable.” Liam can’t stop staring at Zayn, at the open collar, the cuffed sleeves showing off his tattoos, the fucking eyeliner . “Unbelievable in a good way, I hope?” Zayn teases Liam, rubbing gentle circles into his chest from where he’s still straddling him. “You like the outfit?”

“You’re wearing one of my shirts. One that I specifically brought hoping you would wear it, because it’s our colour and you look gorgeous. Do you have any idea what that does to me?” Liam shifts his shoulders so Zayn can pull his shirt up over his head. Zayn leans in and kisses him before whispering, “Wearing your shirt but no pants.”

“You can’t tell me that right now. You can’t. We really have to go soon.” Liam groans when Zayn rolls his hips down, as if to prove his point.

“You set an alarm, remember?” Zayn runs his hands down Liam’s arms, joining their hands together. “Tell me if this is too much, yeah?” Liam nods and Zayn keeps their hands joined to bring them up above Liam’s head. He leans forward to kiss Liam again while continuing to grind down on him, the top of his abs visible where he’s left his shirt unbuttoned. “This okay? Or do you need your hands back?” He asks Liam while continuing to move on top of him.

“I want to touch you, but it’s fine. It’s hot. Keep doing whatever you want. I like when you’re in charge.” Liam squeezes Zayn’s hands in his to reassure him, moving his own hips in rhythm with Zayn now. They find a comfortable position and relax into the kiss, both of them hard from the combination of the friction and the theoretical time limit. “Keep your hands up here.” Zayn instructs Liam while shifting their positions.

Zayn moves so that he’s lower down on Liam now and puts his right leg in between Liam’s for more leverage. He starts kissing Liam again, this time with more aggressive hip rolling, his left hand moving behind Liam’s head to hold him steady. He feels Liam’s arms reflexively start to move so he pauses to say, “Hold onto the headboard for now.” Liam whines but turns his hands around and gently grabs hold of the top of the headboard, causing his back to arch up a few degrees.

With the fingertips of his right hand, Zayn taps at Liam’s wrist where his left arm is gripping the headboard, a playful nonsense movement just because he can, and slowly starts trailing his fingers down Liam’s arm while keeping their bodies’ movements in sync. When he gets to Liam’s bicep he scratches him gently, just enough to make him catch his breath. “Love how affected you get, babe. Feeling how you respond when we’re together. I love you and I love being with you.” Zayn kisses different parts of Liam’s neck while he talks, distracting Liam so he can bring his hand even lower, all the way to his chest now.

As Zayn traces his fingers down Liam’s side, starting just below his armpit, he feels Liam’s whole body shiver. He’s too sensitive and turned on right now for it to tickle, so his body reacts in pleasure instead, causing him to arch even further up into Zayn. Zayn grins into their kiss and takes a meandering path down the rest of Liam’s side, keeping his touch feather light and teasing. He knows that Liam’s abs are contracting hard underneath him even if he can’t see it, based on the way he’s still moving his hips with Zayn and holding tight to the bed. Reaching Liam’s waistband, Zayn slowly slides his hand below both layers of clothing on Liam’s hip. “Can I?” Zayn pauses to ask before moving his hand any further.

“Yes, absolutely. Can I touch you now?” Liam sounds desperate but Zayn is calm when he answers. “Not just yet.” They bring their hand back behind Liam and use it to push Liam’s hips further into him, the tips of their fingers just barely tracing between Liam’s ass before settling underneath, grabbing a handful and giving it a bit of a squeeze. “Bend your left knee.” Zayn directs, guiding them both into a more comfortable angle. “Okay, you can have your hands back now.” Liam sighs in relief and immediately holds Zayn close, both arms wrapped around their back.

“I appreciate the cuddle, but I was thinking you could grab my ass and move me how you want.” Zayn says bluntly, too in the moment to bother with subtlety. Liam huffs out a laugh but brings his hands where Zayn wants them and takes over control of Zayn’s hip movement. Zayn guides his hand back out of Liam’s pants and sits upright on top of Liam, putting his hands on Liam’s chest. “Tell me when you’re close, Li.” Zayn lets his head fall forward and looks up at Liam from under his fringe. “Fuck, keep looking at me like that, and I’ll be done in ten seconds.” Liam keeps moving their hips together, watching Zayn ride him and getting closer by the second. After another minute in this position with occasional stops for a kiss (Zayn can’t help it when Liam looks like that, mouth open and eyes shut tight), Liam squeezes Zayn. “You close?” Liam gasps, “Yes. God, and we aren’t even naked.”

Zayn reaches back to take Liam’s hands off him. “You’re about to be.” Liam gets out a quick, “What do you-” before Zayn is between his legs, pulling his joggers and pants off in one. Liam lets his head fall back and lifts his hips so Zayn can strip him. “Liam. Look at me.” Zayn has Liam naked now, waiting for him to focus. “I want you to hold me close while I use my hand to get you off. Is that alright?” Liam nods and reaches his arms out to Zayn who lays down on top of him, making sure to keep his fully clothed body just enough to the side that he won’t need a change of clothes.

Starting with his left hand in Liam’s hair and the right holding his face, Zayn drags his nails through the stubble on the left side of Liam’s face before letting his hand continue downward, his index finger pressing into Liam’s Adam’s apple and applying gentle pressure all the way down Liam’s body until he finally takes Liam in his hand. He moves his hand quickly but gently, especially since they didn’t add anything to smooth the experience, keeping himself pressed into Liam and kissing him deep.  Liam’s so close, Zayn can tell he’s moments away from letting go. “I want to feel it, Liam. Let go for me.” So he does, moaning into Zayn’s mouth (smart move on Zayn’s part because it would have been quite loud otherwise), and jerking up into his hand until he’s done, his movements slowing and his breathing calming down.

“Can I clean you up?” Zayn asks, already bringing his own hand up to lick it clean, wide eyed and satisfied. Liam wishes he could somehow capture this moment, how completely sated he feels. “You don’t have to ask, but yes.” Zayn leans down to kiss him, dirty mouth and all. “Still going to ask. Make sure you’re comfortable.” Zayn moves between Liam’s legs and licks his stomach clean, leaving kisses in between each spot. He stops before taking Liam in his mouth. “This okay too?” Liam nods so he uses his hand to guide Liam’s dick into his mouth, swallowing him down a bit at a time, and using his tongue to get what’s left at the top.

“Kiss me?” Liam asks once Zayn is done, putting a hand in their hair. Zayn smiles before climbing back up Liam’s body and giving him what he asked for. “I know some people don’t like it, but I love tasting it on you.” Zayn hums in agreement. “Me too. Can’t explain why, I just do.” They kiss lazily, both coming back down from the heat of the moment, when they hear Liam’s alarm go off. “Oh, fuck all the way off.” Liam groans in the direction of his phone. Zayn laughs but starts to sit up. “Time for someone to get dressed for our very important and mysterious date.”

“Why did I have to choose today to be romantic?” Liam rolls himself off the bed and in the direction of the heap of belongings he left near the door, digging in the pile for his phone to turn the alarm off. “You’re romantic everyday. No way I’ll ever be able to plan something as amazing as whatever you have laid out for us today.” Zayn is still on the bed, propped up on one elbow and watching Liam. “Bend over again, it’s a nice view.”

Liam looks at Zayn over his shoulder with a furrowed brow. “Not now. I have to get ready. What are you gonna do, sit there and watch me?”

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I think I’ve earned it.” Zayn winks at Liam who rolls his eyes.

“Fine, but no distracting me. The sun goes down at a specific time and I can’t change that.” Liam has moved over to their suitcase to start picking out what he’s going to wear and putting his dirty clothes in the hamper.

“No promises. I have a fit partner and a very recent memory of some excellent dry humping…I hope you’ll be feeding me at some point this evening. I’ve worked up an appetite.”

“What am I, an amateur? Now stop trying to get hints. Give me ten minutes to get ready and we’ll be on the bloody date and you’ll get your answers…Red or blue?”

“Red. We’ll match.” Zayn rolls onto his back and sighs happily. “I love you so much, you know that?”

Liam doesn’t answer, but walks back over to the bed and leans down to give Zayn another kiss. It’s like their lips can never be apart now that they’re together. “I love you, too.” Zayn holds him there gently for a longer kiss before letting him get up to continue getting dressed. This is already the best day of his life.

***

“Liam.” Zayn removes his seatbelt and turns sideways to face Liam from the passenger seat.

“Yes, dear?” Liam looks at Zayn, a knowing smile on his face.

“If this is a joke and we’re actually here for the dry cleaner you are walking back to London.” Zayn has his arms crossed over his chest, leaning back against the door.

“Hm. Could use the exercise. And I could always drop our suits off while we’re here…” Liam laughs when Zayn swats him on the arm. “Ow, babe.” Zayn rolls his eyes but uncrosses his arms.

“Before we go in there I need you to answer a few questions for me. Ground rules.” Zayn’s full attention is on Liam with an intensity that should be reserved for things like baking a meringue or watching space daddy (The Mandalorian).

“Okay. I’m all ears.” Liam holds up his hands in surrender.

“You’re a shit is what you are. You lied. To me. About puppies.” Zayn is back to being cross, taking stop one of their evening incredibly seriously.

“Is that the question? I was distracted and let it slip. You’re a very distracting person, Zayn.” Liam looks Zayn up and down and runs a hand along his open collar.

“Compliment me later. First, I need to know if I’m allowed to take one home, or if I get to pick three or four.”

“You do not get to take one home - No, stop pouting. They aren’t doing adoptions right now without a pre-approved application and we don’t live in the area.” Liam has Zayn’s hand in his now, rubbing his thumb gently over his knuckles.

“Maybe they’ll make an exception.” Zayn gestures with their free hand at the dog rescue but Liam shakes his head. “Believe me, I asked.”

“But what if - “

“We can meet the dogs and play with them and walk them around but we can’t take one home.” Liam brings Zayn’s hand up to his mouth for a quick kiss before laying their hands back into Zayn’s lap.

“Fine. I’m gonna keep asking but fine…Okay second thing, why are we here if we can’t adopt our first child?” Zayn rubs his free hand lovingly up Liam’s forearm, watching how his fingers move across his tattoos.

“Well I assume you want us to adopt a dog - “

“Obviously.” Zayn mutters, annoyed, still looking down.

“And even though we can’t take home any of these, we can meet some dogs and talk about what kind of dog we want and most importantly we can play with some puppies.” Liam gives Zayn’s hand a squeeze when he sees his face light up at that.

Zayn looks out the windshield at the building again. “Is this where Milo came from?”

“The very same. They’ve changed names since, but I think his adoption picture is still on the wall. If we can find it we should send mum and dad a photo with it.” Zayn brings his focus back up to Liam’s face again, a very serious look on his face. “Final question: Are all the dogs gay?”

“Zayn, what?” Liam falls back into his seat, laughing so hard he barely hears Zayn’s reply. “It’s a fair question. It’s called Rainbow Dog Rescue, Liam. Are the dogs gay or are the people gay?”

“God, I fucking love you so much, you know that?” Liam gets his laughter under control after a minute or two. “It’s probably a bit of both based on science and statistics and whatnot, but I don’t think that has anything to do with the name.”

“Shame. I’ve always wanted a gay dog.” Zayn’s smiling at Liam now, eyes wide with anticipation.

“You’ve met Clifford. Is a gay dog nephew close enough?” Liam’s still laughing every few words, in love with every moment of this conversation. Zayn is unbelievably adorable when he’s this enthusiastic. “Can we please go inside now? I think I’ve been very patient.” At that Liam snorts and says, “You’re the one who had 20 questions before we could leave the car.”

“I HAD TO KNOW IF I COULD BRING ONE HOME LIAM.” Zayn is being loud now, but it’s from excitement. Liam shuts him up with a kiss across the console of the car. “Come on. We only have time for about an hour here. You’ll kill me if I let you waste another second of that time.” Zayn’s already opening the car door and stepping out while Liam finishes his sentence. “You are absolutely right about that. And dog seconds are like seven of our seconds and we need to respect their busy schedules.”

“You are actually the most incredible person alive. Come here and hold my hand. Can’t have you running off and kidnapping a dog or two when my back is turned.” Liam holds his hand out, waiting for Zayn to walk around the front of the car and join him. Zayn faces Liam and grabs both of his hands, lacing their fingers together. “Um. This was a really cute idea and thank you for adding this to date night and I apologise in advance for probably ignoring you for the next hour.”

“It’s alright. I’ll get to take all the cute pictures and bask in your joy. What more could I ask for?” Liam gives Zayn a kiss on the cheek before dropping one of Zayn’s hands and using the other to walk him towards the front door.

***

Liam: Look.

Liam: Just look at Zayn.

Liam: /picture of Z looking through an interior window at a bunch of puppies/

Liam: I managed to capture the exact moment he saw the puppy room.

H: IS CLIFFORD GETTING A COUSIN???

Louis: Rainbow Dog Rescue? Bit on the nose, innit?

Zayn: Liam says we can’t take one home.

Liam: I didn’t say that, the rescue did.

Zayn: Okay, and you won’t let me do it anyway, so.

Niall: Is this the first fight? Are we witnessing history?

Louis: I’ll get the popcorn

H: Okay but is Clifford getting a cousin???

Liam: Soon, yes :)

Zayn: But apparently NOT TODAY because we follow the rules now.

H: This is cute. They even fight like they’re in love.

Liam: Louis.

Lou: Liam.

Liam: I’m so far gone, mate.

Lou: And? This is not news.

Liam: You don’t understand. 

Lou: Explain it to me then.

Liam: … I don’t know how.

Lou: speechless?

Lou: shit

Lou: you do have it bad

Liam: I KNOW

Liam: I’m overwhelmed. I love him so much.

Lou: Good. You deserve to be happy :)

***

“I’m posting that one to instagram. I want to brag about how good you are at dates and I’ve never been happier than when I was literally overrun by puppies because they knocked me over. You can’t even see most of me because there’s so. many. puppies.” Zayn is scrolling through the pictures on Liam’s phone and sending the good ones to himself and to the parents, and a cute selfie of them together to just the Maliks.

“Surprised it took you fifteen minutes to find the puppy room.” Liam’s driving them to their next stop of the night, eyes resolutely glued to the road and both hands on the wheel. A proper grandmother.

“I always visit the old dogs first! No one ever wants them but I do! I want all of them, Liam!” Zayn’s voice is getting louder while he talks, as if they didn’t just have this exact conversation while at the dog shelter.

“Yes, I know. An old mut, that’s what you said. The one that no one wants that’s been there the longest. I believe your exact words were, ‘we’re walking in the shelter and signing on for the one they can’t adopt out without even meeting it,' which is bold but very you, dear.” Liam keeps his focus on the road but reaches one hand over to squeeze Zayn’s knee. “Do you want a hint for our next activity?”

Zayn turns excitedly to Liam and puts the phone down. “Tell me.”

“No need. Check under your seat, Z.” Liam rolls to a stop at a light and watches Zayn pull a small package out from under the passenger seat, automatically holding it in his lap with reverence. “A book?”

“Open it.” Liam glances back at the road to start driving again, waiting for Zayn’s reaction.

“But you wrapped it all pretty with brown paper and twine and sprigs of lavender. I don’t want to ruin it. It’s special.” Zayn’s voice is soft now and he’s looking at the wrapped book like it’s going to break if he moves. Liam hears a sniffle and notices that Zayn’s mood has shifted dramatically.

“Babe? What’s wrong?...Hold on a sec.” Liam pulls over on the side of the road. They’re a bit out of the city now so there’s not much traffic, but he still puts the hazards on. Once they’re stopped he unbuckles his seatbelt so he can look at Zayn who has tears silently sliding down his cheeks.  Liam wipes a few away saying, “Talk to me, Z. Are these sad tears? Upset tears?”

“You love me so much. So completely. You notice everything.” Zayn’s still holding the book in both hands, the brown paper now splashed with a few tears.

“It’s just a book, Z.” Liam tries, but Zayn shakes their head immediately. “Not just a book. It’s not.”

“No. I suppose it’s not.” Liam sighs and pauses before explaining. “Yes, it’s a book, but it’s also your favourite soft brown gift wrap, like from that song in Sound of Music, and the twine always reminds you of those old movies where people carry around stacks of letters from loved ones, and the lavender is both relevant to this book and one of your favourite flowers because it’s purple and the smell calms you down. And a book is never just a book to you. Especially this one and what I’ve added to it.” Liam is a bit emotional now too, remembering just how easy it was to put this much love and effort into what is technically an after thought for this special day. “You don’t have to open it. It’s a gift and it’s yours to do with as you wish.”

“I want to open it, just overwhelmed. Liam, you love me so much . What am I supposed to do with that?” Zayn finally looks at Liam, head tilted to the side while he studies his face. “How is it even possible that I’m that lucky?”

“Luck has nothing to do with it. Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s not an accident.” Liam gently removes one of Zayn’s hands from the book and holds it in his own. “I ordered that book months ago and put it in the suitcase Thursday night when I knew we’d be on this date. I planned most of this last November and figured out how to move it from London to Wolverhampton over the past few days. I wasn’t answering work emails while you napped yesterday, I was sending texts and emails to get everything set up. I brought the shirt you’re wearing knowing you would choose it both because of the colour and because it’s mine. What I’m trying to explain is that I know exactly how in love with you I am, and I want to spend all of my available time and effort showing that to you, in any love language available to me.”

Zayn carefully sets the book on the dashboard and kneels in his seat so he can lean over the console. Taking Liam’s face in his hands he kisses him softly, like he’s the most precious thing in the whole world. Liam holds Zayn’s waist, keeping him from falling and wishing there was a way to hold him more completely. But even though they’re in the car on the side of the road and they’re both crying a bit, this still feels like a special moment. Zayn breaks their kiss to whisper, “I think I want to open my book now.” Liam smiles and lets go of Zayn so he can sit back in his seat before handing the book back to him from the dashboard and laying a hand on his knee.

Carefully untying the twine and setting aside the lavender, Zayn opens the package without tearing the paper, gasping when he unwraps the book. Bound in ivory leather with gold lettering, Zayn traces the familiar title with his fingers, lingering on the word ‘Pride’, the embossed words a pattern he’ll be tracing for the rest of his life. “I’ve never had a custom book before. Well, unless you count my own, but those are still mass produced. This looks hand crafted. Special ordered and designed. Liam, I love it. It’s…I think it’s the best gift I’ve ever received.”

Liam runs a hand through Zayn’s hair. “Open it. There’s a bookplate.” Zayn opens the cover to see a handwritten bookplate in the centre of the purple and gold endpaper, and tears fill his eyes immediately. “Will you read it to me?”

“My Dearest Darling,

‘You must know…surely, you must know it was all for you…you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love - I love - I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.’

All my love,

Liam”

“I’m fine. I’m totally fine. Just don’t look at me for a minute. This is not pretty crying.” Zayn covers his face with his hands and leans forward in his seat while he cries. Liam opens his door and walks around the front of the car until he’s on the passenger side, pulling open Zayn’s door and crouching down next to him. Zayn turns to him and starts to get out of the car, pulling Liam into a tight hug as he does so. They hold each other close for several minutes, Liam rubbing Zayn’s back and holding his head in place with his other hand, Zayn just appreciating having Liam in his arms.

“This doesn’t feel like a first date anymore, Li. That’s not a first date gift.” Zayn mumbles into Liam’s neck.

Liam pulls back from their hug to look at Zayn with a soft smile. “What does it feel like, then?”

“No, I’ve cried enough for now.” Zayn pulls Liam into another hug before stepping back. “Don’t we have somewhere to be? Presumably somewhere like Pemberley?”

“Not quite like Pemberley, but you’re on the right track.” Liam kisses Zayn and smiles when he feels himself being pulled closer. “You ready? We’re not far away now.” Zayn steps out of his space to take his spot back in the car, waiting for Liam to move, but he hasn’t left the passenger side. “Get a move on, Liam. Haven’t got all day. Someone mentioned sunset earlier and that’s probably starting about a half an hour from now.”

“Yeah, alright, keep your pants on.” Liam closes Zayn’s door, carefully checking that all of Zayn is inside the car before doing so.

“Can’t. Not wearing any, remember?” Zayn calls out as Liam walks around the front of the car and back to the driver’s side.

“Oh, I definitely remember. I, yup, that’s, uh. I’m gonna drive now.” Liam clears his throat, Zayn’s hand high up his thigh, always so ready to tease him. “If I run us off the road you get to explain to my parents what happened.” Zayn moves his hand to hold one of Liam’s and intertwines their fingers. “I think you can drive the rest of the way like this.” Liam smiles at Zayn before moving back onto the road, keeping their joined hands in Zayn’s lap for the remainder of their drive.

***

Less than five minutes later, Liam is parking the car in a small car park near a set of mediaeval ruins that Zayn doesn’t recognize. “Liam, I love a ghost hunt as much as the next person, but when I say we are the only living people here, I’m not kidding.”

“That’s kind of the point, babe.” Liam turns off the car and opens his door to get out. “Come on. You’ll see.”

Zayn climbs out of the passenger side and walks around to meet Liam near the boot where he’s gathering a few things. “Where are we exactly? I’ve lived in Wolverhampton a good portion of my teenage years and never been here. You’d have thought Louis would’ve pranked us round here at least once.”

“It’s the White Ladies Priory. Owned by English Heritage, so Louis probably knew he couldn’t get away with much.” Liam has a blanket, a torch, a camera bag, and coats for both of them. “Originally a convent but that was dissolved sometime in the 16th century. Now, as you can see, ruins and at this time of day, no one to bother us.”

“Except the dead nuns. This place is definitely haunted. And we’re gay and I’m brown. I’m like fresh meat to them.” Zayn takes the purple blanket and his Glen Plaid coat from Liam and falls in step beside him, bumping their hips together.

“We’ll be gone before the nuns can get you.” Liam reaches out a hand to pinch Zayn’s waist, making him jump. “Don’t plan to be here much past sunset. You figure out why we’re here?”

“If we’re filming a porno on the grave of some dead nuns you can count me out. I’m not fucking with that kind of haunting.” Liam laughs without restraint, caught off guard by Zayn’s response. “No, Z. We’re not filming anything. We’re here for pictures and to enjoy the scenery. Think about your hint.”

“It’s called comedy. And I figured out the hint as soon as I saw the lavender. You’ll have to check my eyeliner again before we take pictures because I haven’t got a mirror and it’s probably smudged from the crying.” Zayn looks out at the scenery now, at the open fields beyond the ruins. “Okay, I will admit this is beautiful and does look a bit like the misty morning scene from the film.”

“Yes. It does. And you look gorgeous. Bit unfair really. I had to put in effort to look good for these.” Liam sets down their things and opens the camera bag. “I’m thinking pictures in the actual ruins now, and sunset pictures out in the fields?”

“Obviously. We need the sun to warm up the stonework or the colour adjustment is going to be a nightmare.” Zayn has entered serious mode ™ and he’s surveying their surroundings with a critical eye. “Do I get to pose us and decide what kind of pictures we’re taking?”

“I was counting on it. You’ve an eye for this sort of thing. But this is also meant to be romantic so try to have a bit of fun with it. It’s not meant to be a chore.” Liam works on setting up the camera stand and holds out the camera bag to Zayn to pick a lens. “What d’you think?”

Zayn grabs the 28mm lens out of the bag and takes the camera from Liam, walking over to where a series of archways are lined up. “Let’s start here. We can play a bit with the distance and also just generally enjoy ourselves. But I want to save the real candids for sunset. Don’t think it’ll be too hard to look disgustingly in love and coupley, do you?” He turns to Liam who’s come up behind him and laid his head on Zayn’s shoulder, watching him line up the camera how he wants.

“I love watching you be competent. At anything. Writing, art, this, all of it. Love watching your hands at work. They should come with a content warning.” Liam’s wrapped around Zayn, a bit in the way of Zayn’s progress.

“You’re distracting me. Go be infatuated over there for like 30 seconds until I have the shot lined up then you can be wrapped around me all you want.” Zayn gives Liam a brief kiss before nudging him away. “Not gonna have these pictures get fucked because we’re horny.”

“Why? What’s so important about them, hm?” Liam is obediently waiting a few feet away with a smirk. “They’re just pictures.”

“Shut it. You’re not as subtle as you think, babe…Now get over here and let me love you on film.” Zayn holds his hand out to Liam before dragging him toward the nearest archway and kissing him while pressing the remote in the hand he has hidden on Liam’s side. “Romantic, you said? Snog me for a few in this archway before we take the more family appropriate shots.”

“Gladly.” Liam dips Zayn, making them laugh into the kiss.

***

When Liam stops the car again, this time in a very familiar location, Zayn actually laughs. “Ella is going to block both of our numbers and ban us from the cafe.”

“Nah. She’s expecting me this time. I’m just here to pick up our dinner for the evening. Want me to grab tea while I’m in there?” Liam opens his car door to step out and leans inside waiting for Zayn to answer. “Is that a serious question? We’re British. And tired. Get the tea.”

“Be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” Liam closes the door and trots inside, holding the door open for another customer before walking through the doorway himself. Zayn takes a moment to check his phone and sees it’s been suspiciously quiet the past hour or so.

Z: How is it I have zero notifications from you lot?

Z: Never shut up usually.

Louis: Liam told us not to bother you tonight

H: Lou that was a secret

Niall: hahahahaha Louis is such a bad liar though

Liam: I’m not even surprised. I leave the car for five minutes…

Z: Never leave me alone. That was a rule even in the before times.

H: So…how’s it going?

Z: Oh, we broke up already.

Niall: ZAYN THAT’S NOT FUNNY

Louis: I laughed.

Liam: Actually it hasn’t even been five minutes.

H: I’m fragile!

H: I screamed

H: Lou tell them that I screamed

Louis: What was that? My eardrums have shattered.

Liam: Behave for like 2 more minutes, Z.

Z: Make me.

Niall: So it’s going well then.

Z: Yeah. We like love each other or something.

Liam: Can confirm. We are very much in love or something.

Louis: I’m gonna be sick.

Louis: Send us pictures.

Liam: You’ll have them soon enough :)

Z: ………

Niall: Shawn says hello and also stop texting and go back to your date.

Liam: A wise man, that Shawn.

Louis: Goodnight, gays. See you tomorrow

Z: /purple heart emoji/

Zayn puts his phone away when he sees Liam walking back to the car, an overlarge picnic basket and a drink carrier with two teas in his hands. He opens his own door for Liam and gestures for him to hand over the picnic basket. “Can hold it on my lap for a few while you drive. You tell Ella I say hi?”

Liam settles the basket on Zayn’s lap then places the drink carrier on top. “No need. She made me promise you’ll text her a full review on some of the recipes in that basket. Apparently if the favour was only for me and not for you I was going to get day old pastries and weak tea, but she likes you and made an effort. Her words.” Zayn laughs while Liam closes his door again and gets back in on the driver’s side.

After backing out of the space, Liam drives them to the end of the street before parking the car again and turning it off. “We’re here. Final stop of the night, though we’ll be here for a few hours.”

“Liam. What the fuck.” Zayn is laughing with a confused expression. “Why didn’t we just walk?”

“Didn’t want to take one of the spots in front of the cafe. And the bookstore’s only open for another hour, then it’s all ours. Come on, up you get.” Liam gets out of the car, taking the tea with him, a sure way to get Zayn to follow. He grabs something from the back seat and tucks it in his coat before Zayn can tell what it is.

“How’d you manage that?” Zayn holds the picnic basket in both hands, walking over to where Liam’s waiting by the door.

“I have excellent references. 1) the gay uncles, 2) my dad knows the owner, and 3) a famous author as the special guest. I just had to promise no candles round the books and I said I would ask if you would sign a few copies while you’re here. And Michael and David sent a lovely, detailed email about how I’m their favourite nephew.” Liam guides Zayn through the door and leads the way to the middle of the shop where the owner is waiting for them.

“Liam? Haven’t seen you in ages. You’re looking grand. And Zayn? When Liam told me…well I shouldn’t say, I suppose. Big fan,” he whispers, though not too successfully. Nigel is a distant memory to Zayn, but Liam seems a bit more familiar, shaking his hand and grinning wide.

“Thanks, mate. I try to keep it a bit under wraps. Not much interested in being famous, but it’s always lovely to meet someone who likes what I write. Especially when it’s someone I know.” Zayn shifts the picnic basket to shake Nigel’s hand as well, Liam’s arm now around his waist, pulling him close.

“Where did you want us to set up, Nigel?” Liam looks around, sees a few quiet customers about the shop, mostly just reading in one of the designated armchairs spread about.

“I have a setup for you near the back, with the sofa and the coffee table. Figured you’d have a bit more privacy. And I set out all of your books we have in stock. Sign as many or as few as you like, Zayn. No pressure.” Nigel walks them through stacks and tables and mounds of books, meandering through the collection. “Oh, and Liam, I did find that copy you asked about. Left it out on the table with the others.”

“Perfect. Thank you so much for this. We’ve always loved this place, especially when we were kids. One of our favourite places to spend a Sunday.” Liam sets their tea down on the coffee table next to a sizable stack of Zayn’s books before they both sit down on the sofa.

“You mind if I tweet about signing these tomorrow morning? Don’t want anyone knowing I’m here now, but I like to let readers know the local bookstores I support and where they can find signed copies. Never know how many will show up, so I always ask before tweeting from my official account.” Zayn takes the purple fine point Sharpie Liam is holding out to him and signs the endpaper inside the first book.

“Not at all. That would be wonderful. I’ll come check on you in an hour or so after we close and before I leave you for the rest of the night.” Nigel leaves them with a little wave, always a bit shy but incredibly kind.

“Age of Innocence, Li? How’d you know they’d have a used copy of this edition in stock?” Zayn taps the cover of the book with the back of his sharpie before signing another copy of his own book.

“Oh, that reminds me.” Liam reaches inside his coat and pulls out a small brown parcel before handing it to Zayn. Zayn sets down their pen and takes it gently, carefully opening the paper where it’s folded at the end. He looks down to see a single yellow rose wrapped delicately with a small envelope behind it. “It’s empty, isn’t it?” Zayn asks Liam, picking up the envelope from behind the rose.

“Might be.” Liam turns Zayn’s face to him with a gentle caress of his chin and gives him a soft kiss. He loves when he can feel Zayn smile against his lips, knowing that he’s the reason. “You know I love you?” He whispers against Zayn’s mouth.

“I’ve gotten a hint or two…” Zayn gives him one more brief kiss before leaning away so he can take the rose out of its package. “It’s a shame they’re used for friendship now. Such a beautiful flower.”

“No matter the meaning for anyone else, I know what they mean to you. I remember when you would set them around your writing space while you worked on your second book. But they were special to you before then, too.” Liam starts arranging their things around the coffee table, setting their tea within arms reach and opening up the basket to take a few things out.

“Yeah, ever since I read this book in school. Felt like most of the class missed the whole point of the book, but it meant a lot to me. Wanted to use a lot of the same themes for my second book, and having a visual reminder kept me on track. And they’re beautiful…Also remind me that the love society plans for you isn’t always the truest one.” Zayn pauses to sip his tea, noticing Liam staring at him and not at all unpacking anything anymore. “What?”

“I’m gonna kiss you again. But I’ll keep it PG given our surroundings.” Liam grins when Zayn pulls him forward by his jumper to kiss him before he gets the chance to do it himself. “Never gonna get tired of kissing you.” Zayn says when he lets Liam go again. “Now get out whatever first course Ella planned for us so I can snack while I finish signing this lot before the shop closes.”

***

About 20 minutes and a few portions of vegetarian Wellington later, most of Zayn’s books have been signed, Liam has gotten up to look for books three times, and their tea is almost gone. The stack of books they’re taking home with them is looming large, but that’s nothing new. Just as Zayn is starting in on the last stack of unsigned books, this time an assortment of collaboration works with other authors, a new customer walks in, hands in his pockets, and seemingly a bit out of place. Zayn nudges Liam to get his attention away from On Looking: A Walker’s Guide To The Art of Observation and tilts his chin towards the newcomer who is now in conversation with Nigel. Zayn and Liam are close enough to catch slices of the conversation, and what they do hear grabs their attention.

“Well, you see, my kid came out to me a week or so ago now, and their birthday is coming up, so I looked up some books they might want and I knew you’d be the best chance to have them in stock.”

“You have a list? Ah, there we are. Let’s have a look.” Nigel reads the list for a moment before pausing, his eyes flicking over to where Zayn is seated in the corner, clearly listening in. “I see you have all of JMZ Brandan’s books on here…I can definitely recommend those. Let me go get those for you.”

Nigel begins walking their way, leaving the customer to look around at the stacks surrounding him. Zayn gets up and walks around the table, grazing Liam’s shoulder in passing. “Do you mind if I speak with him? I don’t mind when it’s one off conversations.”

“You would do that? I think it would shock him a bit, but in a good way. I can get the rest of the books on his list while you chat with him. Want me to bring him back here so the other customers don’t catch on?” Nigel’s flustered, clearly, but he’s smiling wide behind his round glasses.

“That’d be great. Thanks, Nigel.” Zayn looks down to Liam and sees him sitting, hand in his chin, elbow rested on his knee and staring at Zayn like he’s made of moonlight. “That okay, Li?”

“Is that okay he asks, as if he isn’t the actual most generous and lovely person to ever exist.” Liam gives Zayn’s hand a brief kiss before letting it drop again. “Tag me in if needed, otherwise I’m happy to just enjoy the moment.” Liam glances back where Nigel left the customer and Zayn sees him walking their way, a confused expression on his face.

“Nigel said you could help me with the Brandan books? Ah yes, I see. You have them all here.” The man reaches down to pick up the nearest one and opens the cover, confusion once again clouding his eyes when he sees the signature there.

“Hello, my name is Zayn. Though you may know me better by my pen name…I wrote these. I’m JMZ Brandan.” Zayn reaches out to shake the man’s hand, who at this point looks like he’s hit a bit of a wall.

“You’re…I don’t understand.” The man shakes his head, looking to Liam as if he has any answers for him. “Apologies, bad manners. Name’s Steven,” he says looking back to Zayn before dropping his hand.

“Nice to meet you Steven.” Zayn reaches over a hand to touch Liam’s back, asking him to stand up. “This is my partner, Liam. We’re in town for a family event and we’re spending the evening here. I offered to sign whatever Nigel had in stock in exchange for a cosy night in his bookstore.” Zayn smiles wide at Steven while he and Liam shake hands, waiting for the shock to wear off a bit. “Nigel mentioned you were here shopping for your kid’s birthday?”

“Right. Yeah, well they came out to me a few weeks ago, nonbinary they said, and they love to read, so I thought I’d look into some books that might help them feel…seen. My wife and I are so proud they were ready to share that side of themselves with us, and we’re just doing our best to be supportive.” Steven shrugs, hands back in his pockets. “Found some books online that a lot of people mentioned for nonbinary and queer kids. Yours were on every list, mate.”

“Wow. That is…I’m honoured. Truly.” Zayn feels Liam’s hand on his back. “Steven, do you want to sit for a minute?” When Steven takes the armchair across from them, Zayn and Liam settle back into the sofa.

“How old is your kid, if you don’t mind me asking?” Liam breaks the ice this time.

“About to turn 17. I’m a bit biased, but I think I have the greatest kid in the world. Don’t think I can take credit for how they turned out. Just incredibly kind and welcoming. Always have been. Can’t believe they’re 17. Where did the time go?” Steven chuckles, relaxing a bit now that the shock has worn off.

“I think, given what little we know of each other, that you have been very supportive of your kid and that support has changed their life. Honestly. I can only speak from my own experience,” Zayn looks at Liam again, “But Liam here, he’s a professor. Bit of an expert on this sort of thing.”

“I teach queer history, working on a history of the AIDS epidemic in London at the moment. I’d be happy to give you my information if you or your family ever want to reach out with questions.” Liam reaches into his pocket and takes out his billfold, removing an address card with his information. “My work email and office number. And if your kid is looking into universities in London, have them send me an email.”

“Payne? You related to Karen and Geoff?” Steven looks at Liam a bit closer now, recognition in his eyes.

“Those would be my parents. You know them?” Liam’s leaning forward now, excited to have a personal connection.

“Yeah. My wife, Susan, works with Karen. We see them at office events and the like. Good people, your parents. And a right laugh.” Steven has properly warmed up to them now, no hesitancy left in his posture.

“The Paynes are the best. Been so blessed to have them in my life, in our life.” Zayn gives Liam’s hand a squeeze. “If you and your wife, or your kid, ever needed anything, they would be happy to help. Or just get together if you ever wanted to have a place for your family to be welcome.”

“Yes, definitely. Especially seeing as how you’re already acquainted.” Liam smiles at Steven before turning to Zayn. “Babe, you want to…” He gestures to the piles of books in front of them.

“Right. I’d be happy to sign and personalise a book or two for your kid’s birthday, if you like?” Zayn picks up the purple Sharpie again, waiting for an answer. "Liam, do you see any spare paper? I’ve only brought my notebook.”

“I’ll go check with Nigel. I’m sure he’s got something.” Liam gives Zayn a quick kiss on the side of his forehead before going in search of something that Zayn can personalise.

“You two seem really happy. I’m sorry if the world hasn’t always been kind to you, and I want my kid to know that they can have a wonderful life.” Steven is smiling warmly at Zayn across the coffee table. “Meeting you has really made my week. Can I tell Avery that we met? I understand you must value your privacy.”

“Of course. I don’t mind when it’s someone I meet personally, just don’t want it to be public. But if you know the Paynes I think you must be the right sort.” Zayn lights up as Liam walks back, a stack of cardstock and a fountain pen from Nigel in his hands. “Thanks, Li.” He turns to Steven again. “Any particular book you think Avery would like signed? As you can see, it may be hard to find an unsigned copy on this table, but I can add a special note on cardstock and tuck it into one of them.”

“Maybe your first book? From what I’ve read it may be the one that Avery will feel most connected to, at least at first glance.” Steven shrugs again, but Zayn just smiles and takes a piece of cardstock to write on, Liam making small talk with Steven while he writes:

Avery,

Congratulations on your birthday and on coming out as nonbinary recently. Both of these things are worth celebrating.

I remember being 17, though I hope you have had quite a better time of it than I did. I came out as bisexual around the age of 15 and genderqueer at 17. Being a teenager is difficult for anyone, and I know it took courage for you to open up and share who you are with the people you love.

I anticipate wonderful things ahead for you. Your father is so proud, Avery. Very certain that you are destined for a kind and generous life. I hope that he is right. All of the best things in my life came from moments of vulnerability and love. Allow yourself the grace to be complex and nuanced and to share that with the world.

You are exceptional and interesting and valid and important every single moment that you are alive. I am glad to know of you.

Sincerely,

JMZ Brandan

(though you can call me Zayn)

Zayn shows the note to Liam, gauging his reaction before placing it inside the book. Liam softens and looks at Zayn with watery eyes, leaning to whisper in his ear, “The world doesn’t deserve you, Zayn Malik. I love you so much.” Liam gives him a brief kiss to the temple and rubs a hand on his lower back while Zayn places the note inside a copy of his first book.

“Here you are, Steven. I sincerely hope Avery has a wonderful birthday. And please do reach out if there’s anything we can do for you or for Avery.” Zayn hands over the book with the note inside, and Liam already has a stack containing one of each of the rest of Zayn’s books.

“I’ll walk you up to Nigel. He’s already gathered the rest of your list at the till.” Liam indicates for Steven to follow him.

“Babe…” Zayn tilts his head at Liam, who nods in understanding before continuing his walk back up to the front and adding all of Avery’s birthday books to their own running tab.

***

“Right, well that’s me done for the night. Feel free to continue browsing and enjoying the books until you leave later on. If you just close the door behind you it should be locked. And my number is on the counter by the till if there’s an emergency.” Nigel is standing by the door with them, locking it as he speaks. “Stay as late as you like, honestly. I’m happy to have a place full of books to offer to those I can.”

“Thanks for everything, Nigel. We truly appreciate it. And we’ll leave it just as we found it. Scouts honour.” Liam shakes Nigel’s hand before he ducks out and closes the door behind him.

Liam turns and takes Zayn in his arms, holding him tight. “Feels like hours since I’ve had you in my arms. How’d we ever manage before? Hm?” He sways them on the spot, both recentering now that they’re alone.  Zayn nuzzles into Liam’s neck, breathing deeply and relaxing into the hug. “Does this mean it’s time for dinner?...also I love you and you’re my person and never stop hugging me. I’m just hungry.” Liam laughs quietly and squeezes Zayn tight for another moment before letting them go and taking their hand to walk back to the area where they’ve set up for the night.

They sit back down on the sofa, much more comfortable now that they’re alone, Zayn letting his feet rest on Liam’s lap while he gets a few more things out of the basket. “Seems like everything’s still hot. Ella should patent these reusable warmer things.”

“Maybe after she inevitably wins Bake Off and becomes famous and leaves us all behind.” Zayn leans his head back into the sofa and watches Liam, adoration written all over his face. “How’d you manage to get wine glasses and a full bottle in there?”

“They’re stemless and also magic.” Liam grins at Zayn over his shoulder uncorking the bottle and filling a glass for each of them.

“Bordeaux? Where’s the chocolate?” Zayn’s energy has returned with the promise of chocolate in his future. He sits up properly, taking his feet off Liam’s lap to lean forward next to him.

“Dinner first, Z. Then dessert. Out of order and the flavours will be off. Or so I assume, having never tried it the other way round.” Liam lays out another set of plates that were strapped to the lid of the basket and opens one of the containers.

“Okay, yes that does smell amazing. What’d she make for us?” Zayn reaches out and grabs a roasted cube of sweet potato, not even bothering with utensils, but Liam swats his hand away before he can grab another. “We’re going to use plates like proper adults. Or at least we will attempt to use plates before you do whatever you want to do anyway. As you’ve so studiously determined, we have a side of roasted sweet potatoes to go with herb grilled chicken, chevre broiled on top, and a few of Ella’s famous dinner rolls of course. Yes, there’s plenty of butter from the dairy to go with them.”

“Dessert? Chocolate?” Zayn picks up another sweet potato, completely ignoring Liam’s huff of annoyance.

“For that I’m not going to tell you. You can wait til after you’ve eaten your dinner to find out.” Liam finishes making their plates and hands Zayn a cloth napkin with utensils inside. “Eat. You’ll be grumpy soon.”

“Yes, dear. But-” Zayn reaches into his coat on the sofa beside him and pulls out his notebook. “We have important business to discuss.”

“Important enough that you brought notes? You didn’t tell me to prepare anything. Should I have my lawyer present?” Liam takes a bite out of one of the rolls while he teases Zayn.

“We have the same lawyer, so I’m not entirely sure how that would work. But no. I just made a list earlier so I wouldn’t forget the important things.” Zayn opens his mouth and waits for Liam to give him a bite of his roll. He does, of course, even if he shakes his head while he does it. “What? My hands are busy.”

“You can multitask.” Liam rolls his eyes and hands Zayn a fork, waiting for him to start eating. “If it can’t wait you’ll have to talk while we eat.”

“Can’t wait. Very important. Need this recipe. Text Ella she’s brilliant. Then text H to have her on the channel. Maybe help her write a cookbook…” Zayn isn’t even looking at anything anymore except the middle distance, having lost the plot somewhere around the word recipe.

“Babe. Focus. Eat something and then tell me whatever it is that’s so important.” Liam pushes Zayn’s plate toward him gently, a visual cue for what he’s saying. Sometimes Zayn just forgets about the food in front of him.

“Right, okay, dinner.” Zayn cuts himself a slice of the chicken and closes his eyes to savour it. “Need this recipe too…Focusing. I promise.” He takes another bite before opening his notebook to where he marked the page earlier. “Are you paying attention, cuz this is serious shit.”

“Wow, way to not panic me. What are you about to tell me? You’re leaving me to move to the Tropics and live a life of luxury on the beach?” Liam’s stopped eating now, genuinely concerned. Zayn has notes. And a cursory glance shows it’s not just one or two things.

“Quite the opposite actually. I, well, after I talked to my dad I sort of realised that logistically we just need to talk through a few things. Like I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page and all that, but we need to be sure. Because this isn’t casual, Li. This is for the rest of our lives. Or…it is for me.” Zayn’s staring at his list now and not looking at Liam. But he feels a gentle hand lift his chin and Liam catches his eye. “It is for me too, Zayn. Not a doubt in my mind. But you’re probably right. Tell me your list. We can remove any anxieties either of us has about how serious this is, yeah?”

Zayn nods and leans forward to meet Liam in a kiss before starting. “Okay so number one. We’re getting a dog.”

“That’s number one?” Liam laughs and falls forward into Zayn’s chest before recovering himself. “Zayn, you had me panicking. What the fuck.” He keeps laughing for a minute, Zayn happily snacking on a dinner roll while Liam gets it out of his system. “Okay, yes, we’re getting a dog. Thought that would’ve been obvious after I took you to the dog shelter.”

“I made the list before we went. But it was the first thing on the list so you know it’s important.” Zayn is very serious now, waiting for Liam to agree about the dog.

“Oh, are you like, needing another confirmation? We can go next weekend if you like. We should probably send in an application beforehand though. I already found the shelter we’re going to go to. Had this planned for a year, remember?”

“Yeah, we’ll get back to that part later.” Zayn pushes Liam’s plate towards him. “Eat, Liam. It’ll get cold.”

“Fine. What’s next on the list?” Liam eats a few sweet potatoes, watching Zayn with more interest than worry now.

“Okay second: whose bedroom are we moving into? I figured yours, but you have a say in this as well.” Zayn takes another bite while waiting for Liam to answer.

“Yeah, I think mine makes the most sense. Yours can be more of an official office space for you, and a guest room, which it already is most of the time anyway. You can even keep your clothes in there if you like. Not like you don’t wear my things half the time anyway.” Liam proves his point by tugging on Zayn’s cuffed sleeves.

“That’s settled then. I’ll have my people call your people and set up a moving date and time. Coordinate our schedules.” Zayn’s actually checking things off his list while he talks. Liam feels a tiny pain in his chest from how in love he is with Zayn, now but also just generally.

“Very official. Let it be so.” Liam nods, stoic demeanour cracking when he sees the look Zayn sends his way. He giggles and goes back to his dinner. “So…number three then?”

“Kids. We’ve mentioned it but not had a real discussion. We don’t have to decide specifics, but we need to make sure we’re on the same page. What do you want? Do you still want to be a dad? Do you care how it happens? Or how soon?” Zayn has his pen ready to take notes.

“Right. That’s a bit of a jump in intensity there, babe. Give me a second.” Liam takes a sip of wine and clears his throat, turning himself to face Zayn. “Yes, I still want to be a dad. No, I don’t particularly care how it happens, though I’ve always wanted to foster, adopt, or both. If you prefer we consider a surrogate of some kind I would be open to it but it wouldn’t be my first option. What else? Oh, how soon. Not in the next year or two. We’ll have a wedding to plan, and if my guess is correct, Lou and Harry are going to be parents within the next year. So maybe when we’re 31 or 32 we can start really deciding specifics?”

“How many kids do you want?” Zayn wrote a few things down while Liam was talking, but he’s still focused on Liam, waiting for him to finish his answer.

“This an interview? Joking.” Liam winces when he sees Zayn's face. “This is important. You’re right. Um. Probably 2 or 3? Definitely no more than 2 if you want us to have biological children. But what about you? What do you want? There’s two of us in this relationship, and we’ll both be parenting these hypothetical kids.”

“I want to adopt and I want 3. I’d prefer if we could try to adopt siblings and make sure they stay together instead of being split up. And I had the same timeline. See?” He turns the notebook for Liam to see for a moment, but his hand is covering the rest of his list. “Okay that’s that taken care of.” Zayn reaches down and takes a slow sip of his wine, reading through his list, deciding what he wants to bring up next, eyes moving quickly over the page.

“Zayn?” Liam waits for Zayn to look at him. “You’re very serious right now. I’m glad we’re talking about this, but it’s our future we’re discussing. No need to act like it’s a business transaction, yeah?”

“Well…actually that brings me to my next item. And it’s the only one I’m sort of unsure about.” Zayn’s the most serious he’s been all day, not a trace of amusement in his face or voice. “So…thing is. I…Liam I have to admit something. And it’s not lying, it's more like a surprise?”

“A…surprise. Why do you look like someone’s ill?” Liam reaches for Zayn’s hand to keep him in the moment, and give himself a bit of comfort in the process.

Zayn takes a deep breath before continuing. “So, first of all, we’ll be getting joint bank accounts relatively soon. Unless you don’t want to. But I think we should. But we’ll get to that another time. Anyway…so turns out I’ve made more money than I ever thought possible with my books. Like a lot of money, Liam. And I give a lot of it away and I have savings set aside and a retirement fund and everything responsible, I promise. But I know it’s more than I let on. And when we actually have shared accounts you’ll obviously know so I had to tell you. Like I said, not really a secret, but I also don’t talk about it because I’m a bit embarrassed?”

“Embarrassed? Why embarrassed? You’ve worked hard on your books and if you’ve been successful it’s well deserved.” Liam gives Zayn a kiss on his temple, keeping their hands joined and rubbing Zayn’s arm. He can feel Zayn drifting away as he panics. “You don’t have to panic right now Z. I know it’s not a conscious choice. But I’m letting you know I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. Even if you’re filthy rich enough that Louis will eat you during the revolution.”

That snaps Zayn out of his thought spiral, a small laugh leaving his mouth and his breathing relaxing back into a normal pattern. “Okay, yes thank you for that. It helps me to have reminders that you’re here. And that you’re going to keep being here. But I never think to ask. So…thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” Liam kisses Zayn’s neck just below his jaw. Zayn can already tell it’s going to be a frequently visited spot. “Oh, and I love you.”

Zayn rolls his eyes at that, but smiles and leans over for a proper kiss before continuing. “Right, back to money. Dirty filthy I don’t want all of it money. I think I feel embarrassed because I know that like yes I’ve worked hard and my books have sold well, but there’s so many people out there who either due to circumstance or targeted disenfranchisement by the system haven’t had the same chances I’ve had and they should be getting the recognition and the success too. So it’s not that I feel guilty so much as I feel aware. And it’s the awareness that makes it difficult.”

“I think the awareness is what makes you a better person than most to handle it. You said you’ve been giving a lot away? What if we made it more formal? Set up some sort of official charity? Lou’s worked with quite a few, I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help. Or just whatever you want to do. At this point, seems the train has left the station, so as long as you keep writing, and writing well, this will be a continuing concern for you.” Liam picks up Zayn’s dropped pen and hands it back to him. He hasn’t taken any notes since money entered the conversation, but Liam thinks it might help.

“Hadn’t thought of that. Yeah…don’t want my name on it. I don’t want it to be like something I do to feel better. I want it to actually help people and not just be throwing money at a problem. Except the problems that do in fact need money thrown at them…Okay we’re gonna talk to Louis about this soon. I want you to be part of this, like I want you to be part of all of it. But I want a more concrete plan before I ask Lou. He’s going to ask all the questions and I want to be prepared.”

Liam moves his arm around behind Zayn’s back, moving his thumb in small circles. “Consider it done. Do you want to talk about that more, or are there other things on the list?”

“There’s more. Just a few more.” Zayn finishes writing a quick note before glancing at the list again. “Okay, last serious one. Speaking of lawyers, we’ll need to update our wills around the time we get married. If that’s still a thing you want to do. Even if you don't, we need to update our wills. It’s better than it used to be in this country, but we have to be smarter, more on paper than a straight couple. If something were to happen to me - no don’t. Anything could happen at any time.” Zayn puts a hand on Liam’s face and traces his cheekbone beneath his thumb, holding his gaze. “I hope I have a whole lifetime with you but I’m being practical. If anything were to happen I need to know you’ll be taken care of and you’ll know what I want. The last thing I would need you and my family worrying about is what I would’ve wanted to happen in that situation. It needs to be written down. And same for you, too.”

Liam swallows down his tears and nods. “Yeah. Alright. I don’t like thinking about that, Zayn. I just…I remember. I remember why you first wanted one. I remember those conversations and how terrifying they were at the time. And I know. I know that’s not why anymore. I know it’s practical, especially if we’re planning for kids and all that. But at least for now it brings me back to those times. I just need to process a bit before we do that, before we reopen that wound. I think give it a few weeks at least. Let me talk it through with my therapist some more. If I can anticipate it that will help. Can we wait, please? Just a bit.”

“Definitely. Not everything has to be right now, I just need us to talk about it so we don’t put it off. Especially the not fun ones like that. I’m not planning on going anywhere, I promise you. We wouldn’t be having this conversation, and we wouldn’t be together, if we still needed to worry about that. But having been in a place where it was constantly on my mind, the practicality of a will is something we can’t escape. But we don’t need to rush it. We can talk about it in a month or two and call our lawyer then. Deal?” Zayn brushes a few stray tears from under Liam’s eyes and gives him a kiss when he nods in agreement.

“Can I hold you before we keep going? That last one really got me, Z.” Liam feels a bit hollow. He really hates remembering the first few years after Zayn was free from his mom. For a year or two things were day by day, and when it was really bad, by the hour. And often the best they could hope for was that Zayn would want to get through the day. It’s astonishing how far they’ve both come, their personal growth absolutely essential to their success as partners for the future. Zayn moves Liam to position the spare cushions behind Liam’s back before putting his legs up on the sofa and sitting in between them so they’re both reclined.

“Dinner won’t be warm anymore, but I’m sure we can find a microwave around here somewhere. Nigel has a little kitchenette round the corner I think. You want me to keep going? I only have two more things on the list and I think you’re going to like the next one.” Zayn is snuggled into Liam’s chest now, his notebook open on his lap and pen in his hand. He feels Liam nod behind him and kiss the back of his head before settling his chin on Zayn’s shoulder.

“Okay give me a happy one then. I think we deserve some happy.” Liam cuddles Zayn as close as possible, reminding himself that Zayn is here with him, in his arms, talking about their future. This moment is proof enough that Zayn isn’t going anywhere. So Liam holds him close and closes his eyes while Zayn starts talking again.

“What would you think of us getting rings? Not necessarily engagement rings but also not not engagement rings? I don’t want to wait until we go through planning a wedding and whatever else. I already know what I want, but I want you to personalise it. And I’ve thought about yours as well, though of course I want you to decide what you want. You’ll be wearing it for a long time, I hope…I want a ring but if you don’t that’s fine obviously. But I want to be able to look at it and fidget with it and it helps me to have physical reminders of things. Is that…is that too much?” Zayn turns enough to be able to look at Liam and sees he’s smiling, sincere joy spread across his face.

“I already picked out the jeweller.” He gives Zayn a kiss. “recycled metal” kiss “fair trade materials” kiss “owned by queer artists” kiss “in Hackney” kiss “and I was planning on having Louis go with me to pick them out.”

“You already did all that research?” Zayn picks up one of Liam’s hands in both of his own and starts drawing patterns in his palm. “We’ve been together for about a day. When did you have the time?”

“I’ve told you. I started planning this night a year ago. I’ve had time. I didn’t know it would be this weekend until Thursday night. That’s when I was sure. But all the details? I’ve had months to plan.”

“Yeah you keep saying that. That’s the last thing on my list.” Zayn glances at his notebook before closing it, setting it on the table, and giving his full attention to Liam. “What is this about a year ago? What am I not remembering that set you on this course?”

Liam shifts them so he can get his billfold out of his trousers. He carefully opens one of the pockets and takes out a folded piece of paper. Gently, Liam unfolds the note and holds it out to Zayn who takes it with slightly trembling fingers.

“Read it.”

Zayn recognizes his own handwriting and knows which notebook it was torn from, but has absolutely no memory of giving it to Liam. “ ‘and if the devil was to ever see you he’d kiss your eyes and repent.’ Liam…where did this come from?”

“Bonfire night. Last year. How much do you remember?” Liam takes the paper back from Zayn and carefully refolds it before putting it back in his billfold for safekeeping.

“I don’t remember shit from that night. We were pissed. All of us. Except Clifford. He was sober.” Zayn has turned around a fraction in Liam’s arms, Liam holding him in place so he doesn’t lose his balance. “How is it that you remember that night?”

“I stopped drinking hours before the rest of you. I was sober by the time we all went to bed around 4am. Harry and Louis took your room, Niall crashed on the couch, Clifford knocked over your laundry and slept on that, and you crawled into bed with me.” Liam brushes a stray hair out of Zayn’s eyes and keeps a hand on his cheek. “Not unusual, of course. You were big spoon, like always, but you just could not stop talking. Most of it was nonsense because you were absolutely plastered. I even put a bucket by the bed that night.”

While Liam talks, Zayn’s forehead wrinkles, clearly not remembering any of this. “This doesn’t explain the quote, though.”

“I’m getting to that.” Liam pulls Zayn’s head into his chest so Zayn’s laying on his heart. “After a few minutes of you just refusing to stop chatting I asked you what it was you really wanted to say, because clearly there was something. You know how you get. Lou’s the same way. Won’t shut up until you get it out of your system. Like a nervous energy thing. But I also knew you were pissed so I wasn’t expecting anything more profound than like a plot point for your book or something along those lines.” Zayn hums to indicate he’s still listening and kisses Liam’s arm, the closest thing he can reach without moving. He’s listening to Liam’s heartbeat behind the words.

“But you turned me around so we were facing each other and you said ‘I love you, Liam.’ and I said ‘I know. I love you, too.’ But you shook your head and put your fingertips on my mouth to keep me quiet before giving quite the little monologue. I’m paraphrasing, of course, and removing drunk mumbling, but you said, ‘No, Liam. I love you. Properly. I’m almost ready. I don’t know how to tell you or to ask you what I'm asking. But you should know. I’m almost there.’ Knew what you meant of course, but I asked you why you were telling me if you weren’t ready yet. And you said, ‘Because I know you won’t remember in the morning. And this can be tonight’s secret, that I was bold enough to ask you to wait a bit longer, knowing I’m asking the universe as much as I’m asking you. And sometimes when I hold you while we sleep I see our future and I get impatient. It’s so close, Liam. And you’re it. You’re still my reason.’ And then you just turned me back around and fell asleep less than a minute later.”

Zayn turns around to look at Liam properly, clearly distraught. “Fuck, Liam. Why didn’t you tell me? You’ve had your life on hold for a year because I let that slip when I was drunk? That’s so unfair to you.”

But Liam just shakes his head and kisses Zayn’s forehead, smoothing the frown lines he sees there. “It wasn’t a sacrifice, Zayn. I knew you were pissed and wouldn’t have asked me something like that sober. But hearing you say it out loud was actually helpful for me because I knew we were getting closer to this, but since we had unofficially agreed not to talk about it until we were ready, I was anxious, unsure that we were actually on the same page. That’s why that night changed things. That and the quote.” Zayn looks where Liam has it tucked back in his pocket.

“When did I give it to you? I know it was torn out of one of my notebooks.” He lays a hand on Liam’s chest, his steady breathing a reminder of how solid Liam is, how tangibly here, warm and lovely and Zayn’s to love…He gets to love Liam out loud for the rest of his life.

“You wrote it sober but gave it to me drunk, that much I figured out. That’s not your drunk handwriting, but I also know it wasn’t where I found it when we went to sleep. So at some point, probably when you got up to have a wee, you sought out that notebook, tore out that page, and left it under my pillow while I was asleep. I make the bed everyday so I knew it was from the same night. If what you told me at night had felt like a dream, finding that quote felt like a confirmation of reality. You’d been thinking about us, and you had actually been waiting to talk to me about it, which is why you wrote that in your notebook instead of just reading it to me whenever you came across it. Which, from what I could google, you probably read it in one of the Arabic poetry books that we found at that market in Brighton.”

“And you carried it around with you for a year, Liam? Luke Danes behaviour.” Zayn might be Team Jess, but mostly because someone like Luke just can’t be real. But here Liam is, holding onto that scrap of paper like a holy relic.

Liam laughs, pulling Zayn into his arms again. “Yeah. Something like that…” Zayn kisses Liam hard, hands on either side of his face, breathing him in and holding him close, physically and emotionally. “You are absolutely unbelievable. Just the most incredible man.” He kisses Liam’s eyes, his cheeks, the tip of his nose, any spot he sees. There isn’t any way on this earth to show Liam what he means, how much he loves him. “How is it possible that you love me as much as I love you? The way I love you is so remarkably infinite that I understand the expanse of the universe. And then you go and do something like this. And I can’t believe you love me just the same.” Liam smiles into another kiss, hands on Zayn’s back, letting himself be showered in Zayn’s affection, Zayn’s words trickling into his heart like warm honey.

“Can I write you love letters?” Zayn likes pressing his thoughts into Liam’s skin, using his words and his lips together to transfer as much meaning as he can in each moment. Right now he’s tucked into Liam’s neck, returning to that spot where it meets his shoulder, the spot that feels like it’s just for his lips.

“Can you? Zayn, that single quote brought us here. That quote which I would’ve thought I dreamt without the physical reminder always with me.” Liam shifts down on the sofa, bringing Zayn with him so they’re more horizontal now, Zayn still pressed into him. “Are you sure we can handle where love letters would lead us?”

“I’m willing to find out. Gonna start hiding them around the flat for you to find, maybe tuck one into your work things, slip one in your coat pocket,” Zayn trails a hand down Liam’s chest and bites his lip while staring at Liam’s lips. “Anywhere I can think of. I have so many things I want to say to try to explain how I feel about you and about us. Our love is hard to describe. And I already wrote three books about it.”

“I noticed.” Liam smiles and kisses Zayn behind his ear, a spot so vulnerable it’s reserved for lips that hold meaning.

“Well you could’ve said something! Even your mum thought you hadn’t noticed! She brings it up every time I send her a new draft of one of my books. Pretty sure if we hadn’t gotten together this weekend she was going to stage an intervention.” Zayn pushes himself up off Liam for a moment. They can’t have sex in Nigel’s bookstore, and the way this is headed, they’re about to break that rule. 

“Your dad’s even worse. He texts me every year on your birthday and thanks me for loving you. Doesn’t even pretend it’s platonic. He’s not wrong, but I see where you learned to be so bold. Pretty sure he’ll be upping that text to include bank holidays as well now that we’re official.” Liam pulls Zayn back into his chest so he can kiss him again, hands moving down Zayn’s back to grab his ass and start moving their bodies together.

Zayn groans into the kiss, moving a hand into Liam’s hair and tugging gently when he reaches his neck, making Liam gasp and pull Zayn even closer. They snog heatedly for several minutes until Zayn giggles and brings a hand up to Liam’s lips.

“We canNOT have sex in this bookstore, Liam.” Zayn doesn’t move off of Liam, but he kisses him gently now, slowing them down and bringing them back to their surroundings. “And we have to finish this dinner or Ella might actually stop talking to us.”

“But what if I don’t care and I just want to stay here and love you until we both die from exposure?” Liam keeps kissing Zayn, in absolutely no rush to do anything else, tonight, or ever again. But Zayn pulls away again and starts to sit up. “We need to eat if we plan on doing anything else tonight. Can’t have either of us feeling faint halfway through an orgasm without it being on purpose.”

“You do make a good point. One more minute.” Liam’s pouting up at Zayn now, but Zayn just shakes his head and leans down to give Liam a quick kiss before standing up from the sofa.

“Come on. Let’s go find the microwave. Finish dinner. Maybe find a dozen or so more books to take home.” Zayn holds his hand out to help Liam up, his stomach doing a backflip when Liam takes his hand to kiss it instead, like some sort of fairytale prince. “I am in so much trouble.”

Liam laughs while standing up. “And why is that?”

“Because my real life is better than any story. You’re more heartbreakingly real than anything I could ever dream. Heartbreaking in the way I feel like opening up every last cell in my body to let you in. I want you with me at the molecular level. Who’s in charge of science these days? Get them on the phone, I have a request.” Zayn still has his hand in Liam’s, forgetting what he was supposed to be doing.

“Hm. They might be a bit busy at the moment. But I have a few ideas for how to get closer…have a bit of me in you and vice versa.” Liam pulls Zayn in by the waist again and kisses their neck, laughing because he knows Zayn just rolled their eyes.

“Subtle. Really no clue what you’re talking about. It’s a mystery.” Zayn steps out of Liam’s space and picks up both of their dinner plates. “We are eating dinner, then we are packing up and heading home. Unless you had another mystery location planned?”

“Nope, just back to the loft with us.” Liam says, but Zayn notices a secret smile that he tries to hide.

“Right…”

***

They do end up finishing their dinner, enjoying every last moment, and spending the meal with their ankles joined and constant little moments of connection. Zayn brings up the notebook he tore the note from, telling Liam he has a whole collection of quotes and thoughts he’s been writing out for years that he’ll save to show Liam til after they exchange their vows (since most of his will be taken from that book). And Liam tells Zayn how this date would have gone if it had been in London, their night at the bookshop spent at Michael and David’s store instead, and dinner prepared by Harry of course, photos taken in Hyde Park and a second set later on somewhere more rural. It sounds lovely, but Zayn can’t imagine this weekend having gone any other way.

When they finally leave (with 16 new books they have to figure out how to get home), they’re both warm and comfortable, wrapped up in a tranquillity that can only come from being with the person who understands you all the way down. It’s a short drive back to the house and they both hum along to the radio, laughing when one of Shawn’s songs plays and sending the groupchat a video of them jamming along to it. Much like the night before, they tiptoe into the house, trying not to disturb anyone else. Zayn waits at the foot of the stairs while Liam drops the basket off in the kitchen to deal with in the morning.

Liam takes Zayn’s hand and leads him up the stairs, Zayn holding Liam’s forearm with his free hand. They pass Milo halfway up and each give him a quick pat on the head before he curls back into a ball to go back to sleep. They reach the door and Zayn stops, looking at Liam when he hears soft music coming through the closed door.

“What-” But Liam cuts him off with a kiss before opening the door and walking them inside, locking the door behind them.

“Liam…”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 11

Zayn is speechless, completely shocked while he tries to take in his surroundings. There are candles everywhere, all of them rose pink and in globe votive holders, the flickering lights dancing on the glass. And every surface not covered with candles is overflowing with roses, pink, yellow, lilac, red, and white, all arranged with stems of lavender and sage. The room smells absolutely incredible, floral and earthy and warm. He hears their song playing softly in the background, wondering if it’s on a loop or if they got home just at the right time. Everywhere he looks the room has been completely transformed, the candlelight bright enough that when Zayn looks at Liam he sees his own reflection looking back at him.

Liam waits for Zayn to take it all in, process everything he’s seeing and feeling as they stand just inside the door together, hands still joined at their sides. He sees Zayn looking at each individual flower as if he wants to memorise each petal and decipher a pattern in their arrangement. The moonlight catches Zayn’s face and plays with the candlelight in his eyes, the effect transformative. Zayn looks ethereal, so beautiful he can’t be real. And when he turns to Liam he looks at him in an entirely new way, a combination of awe and wonder. Liam has truly surprised him, despite his trail of breadcrumbs. He places a hand on Zayn’s cheek, softly rubbing his thumb up and down. Zayn closes his eyes and kisses Liam’s palm, walking himself forward into Liam’s arms to hold him close.

“Can I stop pretending this is a first date now?” Is what Zayn finally whispers into Liam’s ear while holding him so tight their bodies are fusing together.

“I’m surprised you let me get away with it for this long, if I’m honest.” Liam just keeps holding Zayn, taking in the moment for himself. He’s never going to be the first one to let go.

“Fucking knew it.” Zayn mumbles, but it’s fond. “Knew it when I saw that book.”

Liam sighs and nuzzles into Zayn’s neck. “Yeah…I figured you would…Zayn?”

“Liam.”

Liam picks his head up and looks at their surroundings before kissing Zayn and pulling back from their hug to hold them by the waist. “You gonna let me do this properly?”

“Give me another minute to take it in. Only gonna happen once.” Zayn turns himself around in Liam’s arms, but keeps Liam behind him, arms still around him holding him close. He feels Liam put his head on his shoulder so he smiles and lays his head on top of Liam’s while he looks around the room. The song changes and he knows what they’re listening to now. “Liam…”

“Yes, dear?” Liam kisses his check before setting his chin back on Zayn’s shoulder.

“How did you get this playlist?” Zayn starts humming along and leans back into Liam.

“It’s on your spotify. Easy enough.” Liam runs a hand through Zayn’s hair and smiles when Zayn sighs happily.

“But I used Urdu so no one would know what it was.” Zayn opens his eyes to look into Liam’s.

“You think that by now I wouldn’t recognize my own name in Urdu? I’ve seen you write it often enough. And I’ve picked up pieces over the years.”

“You’re such a little shit. I love you.” Zayn turns himself around again to kiss Liam, soft and gentle and sweet. “Okay, I’m ready now.”

“I don’t think either of us is much for the kneeling thing, so how about we sit?” Liam takes Zayn by the hand again and walks him over so they can sit on the edge of the bed together. He takes both of Zayn’s hands now and he feels the tears hitting his eyes already, and he hasn’t even started talking yet. And when he looks at Zayn, tears are already falling down his cheeks.

“We aren’t meant to be crying yet, I haven’t even said anything.” Liam laughs and wipes away a few of Zayn’s tears before taking his hands again. “This is the happiest I’ve ever been, Z. I have so many things I need to say to you to get this right. But if I forget something, I’m sorry. Because you are ineffable. And in case it isn’t abundantly clear, this is me asking you. Asking you to love me, and be with me, and share my life, and marry me, make it official. But we’ll get to that last part in a minute.”

“Do I get to take a turn when you’re done? I have 28 years of thoughts to share.” Zayn kisses Liam again, his favourite thing to do. He never wants to stop, never wants their lips to lose contact. He wants to share everything with Liam, life, love, breath, all of it. He feels Liam pull back from the kiss so he opens his eyes again and waits for him to talk.

“Feel free to interrupt me with a kiss as often as you please, but I really do want to say these things, Zayn. Words now, sex later - yes I said sex. You can wait ten more minutes.” Liam’s laughing now because Zayn looks like it’s his birthday and Christmas combined, as if that wasn’t where this evening was already headed. “And we have to talk logistics before we do that too. But that’s not what we were talking about. Damn, you are distracting.”

Zayn smiles wide, “It’s my special talent.” Before kissing Liam again, but just once this time. 

“I don’t even know where to start. There’s so much, Z. And being back in this room? I didn’t plan for this, as you know, but somehow it’s fitting. To be back here with you, ten, or maybe even eleven years later, finally at the place we knew we were headed…I never told anyone about that night. It felt too special. Just for us.”

“It was. Just for us, I mean. I never told anyone either. I think…pretty sure most people could guess we had sex at some point but no one could understand that night except for us.” Zayn looks away, seeing the past more than his current surroundings, the room transforming back to that time that now lives only inside his memory. “That night…well you know already. But that night kept me here. It was the only thing I could go back to for so long. You were always the only thing I was sure of, the only person I trusted all the way down. Eleven years is a long time, but it was worth it. It was all worth it.”

Liam smiles automatically when Zayn turns to face him again, shifting himself back to the present. “You’re worth it, Zayn. All of it. I don’t regret a single moment. We did what we said we would. We lived our lives, figured ourselves out, decided what we wanted. You fucking fought for yourself and you have no idea how proud I am of you. For that and for everything else. You really are the most remarkable person. Knowing you has changed me. And loving you has transformed me in ways that are hard to see because I can’t remember a time when I didn’t. There was never just one moment where I knew you were my person, because we’ve had a whole lifetime together already. But there were some special moments where it really hit me. Can I tell you about them?”

“I’m going to cry the whole time and you’re not allowed to stop telling me just because I’m weeping. Always tell me how and why and when you love me. You only say things you mean 1000%. It’s one of my favourite things about you.” Zayn kisses Liam for a minute, both of them still teary, smiling into each other before Zayn pulls back to let Liam keep talking.

“I think the first time I like knew we were different was our first kiss on New Years. I kissed a few other kids around the same time, but when I kissed you I FELT it. Butterflies, tingles all the way through my body, all of it. I remember thinking it was what the movie kisses must feel like because it was so special. And I knew I wanted to kiss you again and hold your hand and touch your hair and I just had the absolute biggest crush on you. And you were so pretty and cute and you did this little giggle right after I kissed you and looked at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours and said it was the best first kiss anyone had ever had and you were sure because that was the year you decided you were psychic. Which…maybe you were because here we are.”

“I stand by it. Best first kiss. How many people can say their first kiss and their last kiss are the same person? Okay, besides Louis and Harry. They’re the exception to everything.” Zayn rolls his eyes, thinking about how ridiculously in love those two have always been.

“I think we’re an exception too. Just in a different way.” This time Liam is the one who kisses Zayn, letting go of his hands to lift his chin. “You remember the first time we snogged properly?” Zayn nods, giggling. Some things never change. “Hard to forget.”

“Fair enough.” Liam tilts his head to the side and grins. “Think we were 14 by that point? We went to go see Becoming Jane because none of the others wanted to see it but we both love Jane Austen. Remember how it was just like a bunch of nans and then us sat all the way up in the back of the cinema? I spent like the first half of the movie reminding myself we weren’t on a date, but then you grabbed my hand like halfway through and I remember my stomach fell through my ass I was so nervous.” Liam squeezes Zayn’s hands now, thinking about how far they’ve come. “And then like ten minutes later when we were both kinda bored with the film you just grabbed my face and started snogging me and I completely forgot where we were or that other people were around until that one woman got mad and told us to leave. And you flipped her off behind my back while you kissed me a bit longer. I was so in love, both because you were kissing me and because you did it again even when someone said we shouldn’t. Always so fucking brave.”

Zayn smirks. “I remember it a bit differently. You kept fidgeting the whole time, but it was adorable. Your hands were shaking you were so nervous. I knew you wanted it to be a date, but your anxiety was starting to get bad that year and you never would’ve asked me. So I just took your hand because I wanted to and because I didn’t want to wait anymore. And then I spent the next ten minutes just watching you watch the film and your lips just looked so…perfect. Couldn’t stop staring. So I just kissed you.” Zayn shrugs casually, as if that moment hadn’t reset Liam’s expectations permanently. “It wasn’t complicated or thought out. Just wanted to kiss you and it was all I could think about. And when I heard that old bird going off I felt you get tense and I didn’t want that. Didn’t want you to be nervous to be kissing me or anyone else you wanted to. So I kept kissing you until you relaxed again…But then we left because we were still only 14 and I didn’t want to get kicked out. Figured you wouldn’t appreciate that.”

Liam’s forehead creases in confusion. “You mean to tell me that was a date this whole time and I had no idea? And that we’ve already had our first date? My whole life is a lie.”

Zayn rolls his eyes and kisses Liam again. “That one didn’t count. You didn’t know it was a date, even if you wanted it to be. We both knew about this one so this is the one that counts. But this is also more than a date, so maybe we still haven’t had a first date? Who decides that? What makes it a date? Maybe we go on dates all the time…Oh my god. Liam…we’ve been dating since we were 14 I think. Like even this whole time when we were seeing other people and living as flatmates, I think we were dating. Just without the physical aspect, but even that…that’s a blurry line for us. Always on top of each other. So just without the snogging or shagging…Oh my god. Liam, we've been dating for 14 years.”

“Don’t tell Louis. He’s been telling me that this whole time. He can’t be right about this too. Oh my god, Zayn. We’ve been dating for 14 years. Like we haven’t but we have?” They’re both just staring at each other now, not expecting the conversation to lead here. “This is not why I brought it up. I just wanted to tell you that I loved you in that moment and I was very aware of it and there’s more. But like…kiss me for a minute?”

“Never have to ask. I’d never stop if I didn’t have to.” So Zayn pushes Liam back onto the pillow and snogs him into the bed for a few minutes, neither of them taking it further than that, just enjoying the moment, still surrounded by the flowers and the candles and each other. “I can tell there’s more. You want to tell me the rest?”

“Why can’t we do both at the same time? But yes, I actually do. I think it matters. It materially matters that I have an entire history of love for you to share. I want you to understand how much I’ve thought about this. And I don’t want this to feel rushed or too sudden or too soon.”

“Shhhh it doesn’t feel like any of those things.” Zayn strokes Liam’s forehead with his fingertips to smooth the frown lines that start to form there. “It feels like inevitability, but in the sweetest, most natural way. But I love hearing you, and I love when you tell me these things. So like I’m gonna shut up now so you can keep talking.” Zayn rolls off Liam to lay next to him instead and keeps a hand on his chest, feeling his steady breathing and that grounding heartbeat that always keeps him here, in every sense.

“The next one isn’t very happy. But it mattered. And also I was talking to my dad about it earlier so it’s fresh in my mind…You remember the day you and your family came here?”

“Pieces.” Zayn looks away from Liam and focuses on his own hand where it’s still on Liam’s chest. “Apparently I might never remember the whole thing. But I remember being in this room and not sleeping and you being here. You never left me. Just waited and watched. You were my only constant for so long. Now, there’s more. But still you. Always you, Liam.” He reaches for Liam’s hand to link their fingers.

“I didn’t know you would be here. I just came home from school and here you were. But I saw you and in a moment you were collapsed into me, just…lifeless. I’d never seen you like that. And I had no clue what was going on. So I did the only thing I could think of, which was to bring you upstairs and wait for you to come back to us. You didn’t talk for at least a day. Don’t think you slept at all. Even when I laid down with you and tried to read you to sleep.” Liam pauses while they both sit in their memories for a minute. “I don’t want us to be sad tonight, but I know that day changed everything. You became my first priority, and it wasn’t even a choice at first, it was instinctual. But it’s been a choice every day since. You never had to ask. I needed to be there for you in the same way you needed me to be there. And vice versa. You’ve always been the first person I go to, for the good and the bad. Sharing life with you just…fits.”

“I’m so glad my dad brought us here. I needed to be here. I love the other families, but they don't have you. And I needed you, specifically. You never made me feel like I had to explain myself or tell you things I wasn’t ready to talk about. You’ve always been so patient and you never pitied me or were condescending or patronising. You just gave me the space to exist and heal. I don’t think you have any idea how that was exactly what I needed. YOU were exactly what I needed. And you still are, Liam.” Zayn wishes there was a way for Liam to feel what he feels, to know exactly how Zayn sees him. Because words just aren’t enough in this case. “I need you to understand this is very much not one sided. I want this life together as much as you do. I’ve been fully ready for a few months, but was just waiting for the right time. And I guess we found it.”

“Yeah, we did. Even if it wasn’t what I planned or thought would happen. But that’s for the best I think. Even if I planned where we went and what we did today, you were part of it too. You made this happen for us as much as I did.” Liam plays with Zayn’s hair for a moment, still delighting in the way it makes him smile.

Zayn pauses for a breath, thinking back on their incredible day. “I didn’t get you an engagement book. I didn’t get you anything yet. I want to get you something. There’s no way it will be as special and perfect as my book, but I want you to have something too…Besides our rings, obviously. I want something more personal that’s just for you.”

“You don’t need to get me anything, Z. That book was a gift, not an obligation.” Liam sincerely hopes Zayn doesn’t feel like he has expectations. That’s not what he wanted at all.

“I know. It’s the most precious physical object I may ever own. But I want to. I want you to have a reminder just like I have. Let me get you something. It won’t be expensive or elaborate, just special. I want to…I should’ve been more prepared for this. Should’ve known we couldn’t go one day together without planning a wedding.” Zayn smiles again, remembering that this is technically a proposal and he officially gets to be Liam’s for the rest of his life. How fucking incredible is that?

Liam sees Zayn smile wide, but it’s a private smile. He wonders if they’re thinking the same thing, how they’re so casually talking about their future because it’s what they’ve both been waiting for. “I’ll love anything you give me. It’ll be special because it’s from you. Speaking of which, I already have the painting. I don’t know that anything could ever be more special than that. The flat is burning down, that’s what I’m grabbing. No contest.”

Zayn pulls Liam onto his chest now, running his hands through Liam’s hair and kissing the top of his head. “That painting was the only way I knew how to tell you all the things I couldn’t say. About that night and about us. And the way you’ve kept it all these years, the only thing you hang on the walls in your room…I think it meant as much to you as it did to me. I’ve always found ways to have reminders of that night around me, and I wanted that to be yours.”

“It was. It is…Can we talk about the night of your book party? I thought tonight might finally be the time. Being back here, in the room where it happened, but in a completely different place in our lives. And back together, well, together for the first time. Or not. We were certainly together that night, in every sense.” Liam pauses and takes a breath, pulling Zayn closer somehow. “And now we are again. But this time it’s not desperate or painful or haunting. Now we’re here in the light, starting our forever. And I think we can revisit it together. And I think we should.”

“I think we need to. I know why we never talk about it. We wanted and needed to keep it separate so we could focus on ourselves for a while.” Zayn still has Liam on his chest but he’s starting to get restless. “That memory is sacred to me, Liam. It’s not an exaggeration to say that you saved me that night. Replaying those memories gave me enough to hold on to that I wanted to stay. Everything from my life before was ruined. It always had been I just couldn’t see it. But that night was just us. No one else. And you are everything, Liam.”

“I can honestly say I did not expect it, but I wasn’t surprised. Like, if it had just been sex, if that’s all it was, I don’t think it would’ve actually changed much. We’ve both had sex with enough people by now and it was never that. It wasn’t even my first time…Not that virginity is real or that the concept of it matters or that it being your first time was that important.” Liam doesn’t want Zayn to think he had any judgments that night or any other.

“It was though. I could never have trusted anyone else with that. I see that now, and I knew it then even if I didn’t admit it to myself at the time. I just knew I needed you, and wanted you, and desperately needed something to hold on to. It wasn’t even about the sex. Like yes that was important and amazing, but it was more about the vulnerability. For both of us. You were the only person who got to see how bad it was. Allowing you to see me that broken and you loving me anyway…Liam?” Zayn suddenly stops himself from continuing his thought.

“Babe?” Liam moves his upper body enough so he can look at Zayn, waiting for him to keep talking.

“Can you take my shirt off, please? And yours too if you’re comfortable? Feeling us together without layers in between would be helpful while we talk about this…and then I want you back on my chest if that’s still where you want to be.” Zayn’s eyes are wide while they stare at Liam, open and trusting and honest.

“It was getting a bit warm in here anyway with all these candles.” Liam smiles while taking off his own jumper. He leans down and kisses Zayn while unbuttoning his shirt, pulls his back off the bed with one hand while sliding Zayn’s shirt the rest of the way off without breaking the kiss. Zayn has his arms around Liam, hands holding tight to his back. Liam lays them back down on the bed and slides down to lay on Zayn’s chest again, sighing and nuzzling into him for a moment. He always gets comfort from Zayn’s presence, his warmth, his smell, his voice. Everything about him feels like sinking into a hot bath, relaxing and special and safe. Liam waits a few moments before saying, “I think we did the right thing. I don’t know how either of us managed to agree to it, but somehow we knew it wasn’t the right time. That we had the one night, the one time letting ourselves be together before we did the hard work that we both needed to do separately.”

“It’s why we fit. We both understand that we can’t work as an us if we aren’t taking care of ourselves as individuals. I didn’t even want to be alive at that point. It would not have been healthy for either of us to put that kind of pressure on a relationship. I would’ve only gotten worse, trying to keep myself afloat, and you would’ve drowned trying to save me.” Zayn tries to focus on Liam’s weight on him, a reassuring feeling especially when they’re talking about these types of memories. “We had to do it the way we did. Don’t think we would have been able to fix what we would’ve broken if we tried to be together back then.”

Liam puts a hand on Zayn’s chest next to where his head is laying, fingertips just barely moving in small circles. “I realised that about a year later. After we moved into our first flat in the city. It was just a night in, watching you work on your next book while I did schoolwork. We were so cosy and quiet and together, and I had this moment of ‘this wouldn’t be possible if we were dating.’ We were both still fighting with ourselves, and I knew we wouldn’t be able to be that close if we were physically involved at that point. I’ve had moments like that every few months ever since. Until about two or three years ago.”

“I think that was the same for me too. I’ve been stable for years, but not really in a good place until the past few years. And healing isn’t linear, and you saw what I was like yesterday. Things can come back to me at any time. But I know how to handle them now, and you are just perfect when I’m like that.” Zayn gently strokes Liam’s back and he smiles when Liam hums and closes his eyes at the touch. “You know it’s temporary and you don’t try to fix it. You’re just with me until it passes. You’re empathetic, instead of sympathetic. That’s what my therapist told me when I tried to explain why you’re the person I want with me when it’s bad.”

“My therapist called it solidarity. Explained that I was walking with you on your rocky path instead of trying to move the rocks, or something like that. It made sense at the time.” Liam shrugs and presses a kiss to Zayn’s chest.

“It makes sense, babe. I know what you mean. I talk about you like every time because you’re a constant in my life. The others come up too, of course, but you’re the one I live with and everything else. And even though she doesn’t know about the time we had sex, she knows pretty much everything else. Knows that I love you and that I want to be with you. Do you talk about me often in therapy? I’m not trying to be conceited, I’m just curious.”

“Yeah…sometimes. Since I mostly see her for my anxiety, and I used to have a really hard time of it. Especially when we were still teenagers. I knew I couldn’t fix what happened but it was really frustrating for me to just watch you have to deal with it. I would get anxious, worried that you were getting worse, even though I knew all the things you just said, about healing being complicated and all that. She helped me be okay with just…holding your hand while you fought your own battles. And she knows I’ve been in love with you my whole life. I could never have lied about that or pretended differently. She would’ve called me on that immediately.”

“One time I told her that you were my best mate and she stared at me for ten whole seconds before telling me to try that sentence again. So yeah…same.” Zayn laughs and Liam feels it all the way through where he’s still laying on Zayn’s chest. Liam rolls himself all the way on top of Zayn and pushes up off the bed a bit so he can look Zayn in the eyes. “Can I change the topic again? I think maybe it’s time for me to give you the list of all the reasons I want to marry you. If you want to hear it.”

“I want to hear whatever you want to tell me. I love you and your words and your everything.” Zayn pulls Liam forward for a quick kiss before letting him lay down beside him again.

“It’s not an actual list like yours was earlier. But there are thousands of reasons. I’ll try to pick the most important, or at least the ones I remember right now.” Liam runs a hand through Zayn’s hair while he talks. “I love the way you look when you’re writing. You get so focused and you look…complete. Like it’s the thing you’re meant to be doing. And when you read you have these little things you do. You change how you sit every three and a half minutes, almost exactly. And you hold your mouth in this specific way that I always want to kiss, slightly pouting your lips while you’re thinking about what you’re reading. And you have to have a pen when you’re reading so you can underline and make notes. I picked up that habit from you. But I think you actually can’t start reading without a pen in your hand.”

“I like to interact with the words. Make it more of an activity than a passive experience. I think it’s part of why writing is so natural for me.” Zayn has that exact look on his face that Liam was just talking about, so Liam pulls him in for a kiss like he’s always wanted, giggling when he feels Zayn smile against his lips again.

“I love that when we cook or bake you always put your apron on before we even get out the ingredients. And I love that you always want my help as an excuse to spend time together, even if all you have me do is hand you things. And when it’s my turn in the kitchen you always offer to help and usually spend most of the time telling me about your writing. It’s become like the soundtrack to our evenings. And I love that too because your writing is so personal that it feels special that you want to talk to me about it.”

“We have fun in the kitchen. Always. Even if we’re just heating up leftovers. We can just relax and share our day while we're there.” Zayn has always loved how at home they feel together. So natural. “But also…I’ve thought about um. Doing things. In the kitchen. On the countertop, specifically.”

“Believe me, I’ve thought about it too. I think we’ll be lucky if there’s a surface in our flat that we don’t fuck on at some point…But I’ll get to that later.” Liam laughs with a spark of mischief in his eyes where they crinkle.

“Fine. But don’t leave that part out. I want to know that you find me attractive. And I want an excuse to detail every single thing I love about your body.” Zayn emphasises each word with fingertips dancing across Liam’s torso.

“That’s next on the list. I love that you’ve gotten so confident in telling me what you need and what you want. It really helps me, helps us, to have clear communication, especially about how we need to be loved. It’s vulnerable to talk about those things. So when you tell me what you want me to do or remind me that you love me too, it feels warm. Like we’re sharing more than just words.” Zayn’s hands are still wandering, but Liam doesn’t mind. He loves that Zayn finds comfort in him.

“I’m trying to be better about it. It’s a learning curve for me. But you make it easy, never judging what I ask for or share. You’ve given me the space to feel safe being vulnerable and open about what I need. And right now I need you to hold me while you keep talking.” Zayn grabs at Liam’s arms and puts them around himself, smiling and closing his eyes for a moment while he feels Liam rub his back, their faces now just a space apart.

“I love that when we sleep we always wake up cuddling. You hold me close even when we aren’t awake. And you don’t snore, but sometimes you do these little sighs when I move and you start to wake up.” Liam gives Zayn a kiss on the tip of his nose. “And if I start to shift away while you’re asleep you reach out to pull me back in automatically. Sleeping together is going to be my favourite thing I think. Just getting to fall asleep holding each other and waking up with you already there. Beginning and ending our days together. It’s a simple thing I guess, but I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of it.”

“I sleep the best when we’re together. Some nights I used to lay awake wishing I was in your bed just to have you close. Did you know that when you sleep you always reach your feet back and put them between my legs? They’re not cold, I think you just like to be reminded I’m there. It always makes me smile and hold you tighter.” Zayn pulls Liam closer and puts their foreheads together. “When we’re alone and comfortable, we’re always cuddling. Always. It just feels right. I always want to be physically connected, even if it’s just the tips of our fingers.”

“I love when you touch me, in any way. You treat me like I’m precious and important. Your hands and your lips feel like they’re writing your love into my skin. When you touch me I hear what you’re saying just as well as if you said it out loud.” Liam takes one of Zayn’s hands in his own and gives it a gentle squeeze. “And I love how sensitive your hands are. I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there about your hands taking in as much of the world as they give back to it through your writing, but I’m not the writer in this relationship so you’ll have to get back to me on that one.”

“I’ll add it to the list.” Zayn kisses Liam gently, their noses brushing in passing so Zayn rubs them together, making Liam crinkle his and giggle. “What else?”

“I love that when we watch something we’ve seen before you whisper the lines that you love to yourself, and sometimes I catch you glancing at me when it’s something I can tell makes you think of me. Like…the entirety of Pride and Prejudice. And most of Princess Bride.” Liam can’t help but kiss Zayn again. It is maybe a bit ridiculous how they can’t stop, but then again they’ve been waiting long enough and who could possibly blame Liam. Zayn is exceptional in every way. “I love that you explore new hobbies and interests with me. We’ve learned languages, studied obscure historical records, travelled to truly random places for the flimsiest of reasons. You just want to experience life, and specifically with me. Knowing how far you’ve come to want to do any of that makes it even more meaningful.”

“You’re the reason for all of it. And I don’t mean that in the putting everything on you way. I mean that I trusted you and loved you and admired you and you were and are valuable enough to me that I could find infinite reasons to keep going in order to know you better.” Zayn places a hand over Liam’s heart, a precious reminder of the life that is Liam. “I wanted to see what you would do with your career, watch you become a parent someday, hear your thoughts on world events. You inspire me everyday, and you always have. Your existence was proof to me that there was still life worth living, because you could be in it.”

“Zayn. Babe. Now I’m crying again.” Liam is true to his word, a single tear falling from the corner of his eye and landing on the bed space in between them. “Can I ask you now? Before I get too weepy.”

“You can ask me, Liam. Pretty sure I have my answer ready.” Zayn smiles at him from only inches away. They’re both still laying down, faces close enough that they’re sharing air, bodies intertwined almost as tangibly as their hearts.

“Zayn, I have loved you for as long as I’ve understood what those words mean. I want to spend the rest of our lives sharing that love. I want to grow and learn and explore and everything else together.” Liam pauses to take a shaky breath. “I’ll never get the words quite right or be able to properly explain what you mean to me. But I don’t want to wait another minute. We’ve taken the time we needed and we’re here. We’re ready for it all.” He puts a hand on Zayn’s cheek and shares a teary smile with them. “And I’m wondering if you’ll marry me.”

“Yes. Absolutely without any hesitation. Yes, Liam. I want to marry you.” Zayn pulls Liam into another kiss, one hand on the back of his head, one of Liam’s hands still on his face. “For a while I thought I didn’t believe in marriage for myself. Until I realised it was because I couldn’t picture it with just anyone. Couldn’t see it as a hypothetical…And then I’d see you.” Zayn caresses Liam’s cheek. “You, Liam. There. Always there. Loving me and making me laugh and being so wonderfully you. And when I thought about waking up with you in my arms, and seeing you with our kids someday, and being old and grumpy together in 40 years, it was so obvious. And once I knew, I couldn’t unknow it. Even though my heart always knew, my head needed some time to catch up. And to get the rest of me sorted. And you waited, you beautiful, patient man. You never stopped living your life, but I knew that the moment I was ready, you would be there. Because it was always me for you, too.”

“Always. All these years, living together and growing up and seeing other people, I’m so glad for those years and those experiences. But this is what I was always waiting for.” Liam pulls Zayn into him and holds him close, tucking his face into Zayn’s neck and breathing in deeply. He feels Zayn relax even further in his arms and wrap one leg around Liam’s calf.

“Even figuring out that this was going to happen tonight, I was still surprised. I think part of me will always be surprised by you, Liam.” Zayn kisses Liam’s collarbone before pulling back to look at him again. “This was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I never would’ve wanted a public spectacle for this moment. Just you, me, and a discussion of our life.”

“Well, seeing as it’s us, we could never do it the traditional way. We don’t even have rings yet.” Liam has Zayn’s hand in his and kisses his knuckles to make his point. “But I like it that way. This is a decision we’re making together, not a shock for you to process in front of other people. We’re the only two that matter here. And I wanted to be alone for this, one of the most important moments of our lives.”

Zayn presses their mouths together again for a slow kiss. They can feel Liam’s soft lips, hear his steady breathing, smell his aftershave, taste his mouth. It’s absolutely intoxicating and Zayn is so far beyond in love that he knows he’ll never be able to explain this. Never in a thousand novels or a hundred years of trying. He just wants to be Liam’s in every way.

“Do we have to wait until the wedding night, or could we maybe have sex now?” Zayn moves to Liam’s neck to kiss his birthmark and leave another love bite nearby.

“There’s literally nothing I want more right now, but we have to talk about that for a minute.” Liam doesn’t move away from Zayn, but he tries to focus. Zayn’s making it difficult with the way he’s exploring Liam’s torso with his hands while kissing his neck. “Like logistics. What you want. What I want. Do we need protection. All of that.”

“We don’t need protection. But we can use a condom if you want.” Zayn kisses Liam once before Liam puts a hand behind his head to hold him back for a moment. “What?”

“We have to actually talk about it, Z. I know we’re both clean. We get tested together regularly. I haven’t had sex with anyone beside myself in almost a year. I don’t think we need to use a condom either.” Liam kisses Zayn once before continuing. “Been about a year for you as well, right?”

Zayn nods and kisses Liam gentler this time, more meaning behind it. “Didn’t want to have sex with anyone else anymore. So yeah. About a year. We’re both good.”

“Right, that’s sorted. I have them in case you change your mind.” Liam pulls Zayn more on top of him now. “Keep kissing me, but tell me what you want. Like, physically. I prepped earlier, so if you want to top you can.``

“So did I.” Zayn smiles and bites Liam’s neck gently. “Since I wasn’t sure what you would want. I’m happy with either. Plenty of time for both of us to be beautifully verse for the rest of our lives. I just want to be close to you. You choose, babe.”

“I think you should top this time. Especially after this morning.” Liam runs a hand down Zayn’s back while pressing their hips together. “Ease you into the whole us having penetrative sex thing.”

“We’ve done it before, Li. And you topped that time.” Zayn flips them over so Liam’s on top of him now, as if putting them back in that position is needed to jog Liam’s memory of that night.

“That was completely different. And it was 11 years ago, Z.” Liam kisses Zayn again between thoughts, barely pausing for breath. “What if I tell you that I want you to fuck me tonight because I’ve been thinking about it for more than a decade and I don’t want to wait any longer. I want everything with you, and that includes you inside of me. I want you to eat my ass, open me up with your beautiful fingers, and fuck me the way only you will know how, the way I need. You know me, Zayn. I want you to show me how well you know me. I want to feel it.”

“Fuck.” Zayn groans and rolls them back over so he’s on top of Liam again. “I can do that. I can definitely do that. I want you to feel as loved as I did all those years ago. I want to take care of you too. And I want you to keep telling me what you want and how you feel. I know that matters to you, that it’s an important part of this.”

“See. You’re already showing me.” Liam smiles into the kiss before holding Zayn by the waist in both hands. “I think we have to get naked next. Might be helpful for the whole sex business.”

“Look at you being a little shit. Confident when you know what you want, hm?” Zayn sits back so he can take off his own trousers, throwing them off the side of the bed. And with no pants on he’s naked incredibly quickly.

“I like when you’re in charge. Told you that.” Liam pulls Zayn back in to kiss him again, Zayn pressing himself into Liam. “I want you to take mine off too. But take your time warming me up. I don’t want this to be rushed.”

“I fully intend to take my time, babe. Stop me if I’m making you uncomfortable or if you need anything.” Zayn gives Liam one last deep kiss while undoing Liam’s trousers. “And I’ll take this opportunity to tell you some of the reasons you are so fucking fit.”

Liam lifts his hips for Zayn to pull down his trousers and toss them off to join his own on the floor. “Pants now too. Then you can tease me. But I want us both naked, Z.” Zayn kisses Liam on the chest before doing as requested, sliding Liam’s pants down his legs and adding them to the pile. He takes a moment to stare at Liam, appreciate how privileged he is to have him like this. Liam is his to love in every way. “I must be the luckiest person alive,” he says when he catches Liam’s gaze.

“I would argue, but how about we just call a truce? We can both be the luckiest people.” Liam reaches out for Zayn to lay back on top of him and holds him close once he does. “I want you to be as much on me as possible. It’ll help you and I love having you close.”

“Yeah, I want to be touching you the whole time, too.” Zayn tries a body roll on Liam and smirks when Liam stops breathing for a moment and his eyes roll back. “That was easy.” Zayn laughs and catches Liam in another kiss. “I’ll take my time. Otherwise I think we’ll both be done in about ten seconds.”

“I want you to mark me all over. Every inch you can reach. Kiss me, touch me, play with me. I’m all yours, Zayn. I will tell you if I am uncomfortable. Just…oh my god just please fuck me already. I’m so ready.”

“Hm…where to start? I guess top to bottom? Don’t laugh, that wasn’t even a joke, babe.” Zayn puts a finger over Liam’s lips when he giggles before holding Liam by the back of the neck to kiss him deeply and let his other hand grab Liam’s leg and wrap it around his waist. “I love your hair. Especially when you grow it out like this. It frames your eyes and it’s all wavy and I like playing with it and messing it up.” Zayn runs a hand through Liam’s hair while talking before cupping his chin. “And your eyes. They’re so warm Liam. It’s like getting a hug when you look at me. And your eyes crinkle when you smile and it’s so adorable that I want to watch it happen on a loop in my dreams.” Zayn presses their foreheads together before giving Liam a tiny kiss. He moves his hand to scratch at Liam’s scruff and says, “You already know I love your beard. You look like gay jesus or something.”

Liam laughs at that one, showing off the eye crinkles in full effect and rubbing a hand down Zayn’s back again, the other arm above his head now while he lets Zayn adore him. “I feel like Take Me To Church should be playing after that. Worship me, Z. I promise to return the favour.” Liam has never felt more warm and loved. Zayn loves him in exactly the right way, in a way that can’t be explained. Zayn just…knows him.

“I love you when you’re like this, Liam. Letting me adore you and indulge you and take you apart. I want to do this every fucking night.” Zayn pauses to kiss Liam again, tongue deep in his mouth and hand on his cheek. He’s kissing Liam with his whole body, nothing held back.

“We can and should do this every day for the rest of your lives. In fact, I’m going to specifically request it in our vows. But like, toned down a bit. Our families don’t need details.” Liam shifts under Zayn to be flatter on the bed, giving Zayn more access to move them both around.

“Don’t tone it down. A little scandal never hurt anybody.” Zayn takes advantage of the repositioning to slide a thigh between Liam’s legs and apply just a hint of pressure. “Now shh. Let me keep telling you how fit you are and why I want you for the rest of our days.”

“Yes, dear.” Liam lets his hand move even further down Zayn’s back until he’s just brushing the top of his ass, smirking when Zayn pushes forward into him. “Hm. Something for another time I think.”

“Yes. 100% yes. And I know you have the fun toys. But they’re at home so for tonight just focus on letting me love you and letting yourself go a bit, yeah?” Zayn takes Liam’s hand and moves it further down, placing it firmly on his ass, indicating he should keep it there while he keeps exploring Liam. “Hold me and move me on you while I keep going. Warm me up too, babe.”

Liam pulls Zayn’s body into him with a slight thrust, making Zayn groan and bury his face in Liam’s neck. “Warm enough?” He bites Zayn’s neck gently while he catches his breath.

“Fuck. Yes. Maybe too warm already. I’m going to go back to focusing on you now.” Zayn kisses Liam’s neck behind his ear then turns his face to rub his cheek on Liam’s scruff. “I think you were right. Still too overwhelmed to bottom tonight.”

“We can work up to it. No rush. And when it does happen, it’ll be incredible, Z.” Liam brings his hands up Zayn’s back for a moment so he can hold him with his hands on Zayn’s shoulders, a grip that says ‘I’m right here and I’m never leaving’. The way that both of them can simultaneously be so in love and so in lust is a beautiful combination that they want to bathe in. “Hold on one sec, babe.” Liam holds Zayn with one arm and uses the other to move the sheets out from under both of them and to the side.

“Good thinking. Knew I was marrying you for more than just your ridiculous body.” Zayn kisses Liam again and loves the way he sees Liam flush at the compliment. As if Liam doesn’t know exactly how fit he is. He’s spent years of his life thinking about it, when Liam comes back from a run sweaty and energised, when Liam stretches and Zayn catches sight of his abs when his shirt lifts up, forget that, when Liam walks around shirtless as if it’s nothing, like it doesn’t make Zayn catch their breath every single time.

“I want to keep my attention on you because you ground me. But if I start to lose focus, bring me back? “ Zayn is earnestly asking Liam, another moment of vulnerability between them. This is about more than tonight, and Liam knows. Their memories are in the room with them in a way that would be harmful to ignore.

“Always. I will always bring you back to me, Zayn. I’m not going anywhere. Let me be your tether.” Liam keeps his grip on Zayn’s shoulders and stares deep into his eyes until they clear and he feels Zayn relax again. “You still want to do this?”

“Yes! Yes, sorry didn’t mean to yell that. I think I’m still worried you’re going to change your mind or something. I know you won’t, we’re bloody engaged now, aren’t we? It’s just my own insecurities. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re absolutely wonderful, Liam.” Zayn stops talking to calm himself down, moving himself down Liam so his face is laying on his chest. “Let me lay here a minute and come back. I want this Liam. You have no idea. Just trying not to get too in my own head. Just rub my back for me and let me ground myself in you. I like what you said, being a tether. You keep me connected…Love you.” Zayn whispers the last part like an admission into Liam’s chest and feels Liam tighten his grip on his back before moving his right hand to massage Zayn’s back gently. Liam kisses the top of his head and whispers back, “I love you for right now and for always.”

They lay like that for a few minutes, Liam enjoying Zayn’s warmth and appreciating his trust. Zayn is spending the time listening to Liam’s heartbeat, feeling his chest rise and fall beneath him, using each of his senses to take in Liam in this specific moment. He’s going to remember this night for the rest of his life, and he wants to experience it on every plane of existence. After some time passes, Zayn picks their head up and sees Liam watching them fondly. “Welcome back,” he says with a warm smile. Zayn adjusts so they can kiss him again. “Okay, I’m good now. I’m here. Have I ruined the moment or can we keep going? Get back to letting me adore you.”

“You haven’t ruined anything. We were moving a bit fast, so if anything you did us a favour.” Liam holds Zayn by the hips when he sits up to straddle Liam’s waist, putting his hands on Liam’s chest.

“I think…if I cry, I don’t want you to think I’m wanting to stop or that I’m in pain or anything. But I can tell I’m already emotional, and I think this will be a release for me in more ways than one…probably for you as well.” Zayn smiles a secret smile, acknowledging the double meaning and sitting back on his heels. “Point being, if I am crying I know you’re going to ask, but don’t assume it’s sad crying. They’re going to be tears of relief. And love.”

“Your body and your heart are going to react how they’re going to react. Yes, I will still check in with you, but I will be doing that anyway. If you need to cry, let it happen. Who knows, I may cry as well. Can never predict, especially when I care as deeply as I do about you. This is special. It can be overwhelming, even for me, to think about what this night means for us. Tears are probably warranted. ” Liam reaches a hand up to Zayn’s face and puts his thumb on Zayn’s bottom lip, tracing his mouth while cupping his face with the rest of his hand. “We’ve been crying basically all weekend, so what’s a few more, hm?”

“We really have. It’s been a lot to process, I suppose. All good. Like so unbelievably happy, Li.” Zayn moves a hand to brush Liam’s temple and tuck a strand of hair behind his ear. “Like I said, tears of relief and love. So much love I’ll never be able to tell you enough times for it to add up to reality. But I’m going to try.”

Liam’s eyes haven’t left Zayn’s while they’ve been talking, watching Zayn’s emotions swirl together in the golden brown depths. “You’re so beautiful, Zayn. When I look at you like this you’re just absolutely gorgeous. Have I mentioned that yet?”

“Probably. But never stop. I love it.” Zayn keeps his hands on Liam’s chest and readjusts to get himself in a bit more of a…position. He loves Liam’s chest, well he loves all of Liam’s body, really. “Fuck, Li, your body is unbelievable. You know that?” Zayn can’t help himself from ogling Liam a bit, his eyes running up and down Liam’s body, and his bottom lip between his teeth. “Can I- '' Zayn holds onto Liam’s chest tighter and moves his hips while looking up at Liam.

“Play with me, Z. Have fun. I promise to tell you if I want to stop, yeah?” Liam moves his hands to Zayn’s hips and guides his movements, watching Zayn close his eyes and lean his head back, hands still on Liam’s chest. “I am ridiculously hard already, just watching you move like that.”

Zayn brings his face back down and opens his eyes, smiling. “Oh, I’m very aware. And you’re not the only one, Li.” Zayn glances down at where he can see his own dick hard on Liam’s stomach, watches Liam’s eyes follow his gaze before groaning and taking Zayn’s hands, pulling him forward so their lips meet again. Zayn gladly lets himself be pulled back into Liam and lays his body down on top of him again. Liam has both his hands under Zayn’s ass, moving them together while they kiss, Zayn with one hand still on Liam’s chest, the other moving behind his head and holding it where he wants it.

“You listed a few things earlier. Rimming, opening you up with my fingers. Anything else you want to add to the list, babe?” Zayn asks when they pause for a moment. “Want to make sure I take care of you. Do everything you want.”

“We could do nothing but this and I would still be completely happy.” Liam kisses Zayn’s jaw and smiles. “But yes, I would love for this to go further if you’re still comfortable. And I think that list is a good place to start, especially for our first time together-” Liam pauses when Zayn scoffs, “ I know second time. I know. Believe me, I could never forget.” Liam chuckles at Zayn’s pout before kissing it away. “That was a first time, and so is this one. We’re going to have a lot of first times together.”

“Good. I want to do everything with you. Starting with that list of yours.” Zayn starts kissing Liam’s chest again, shifting himself lower on the bed to do so. “You alright if I make my way down your body and have a bit of fun as I go?”

“Absolutely. Where do you want my hands, Z?” Liam watches Zayn start kissing across his chest again while he waits for an answer.

“Anywhere you want, but keep them on me. I need to know you’re still here. Like obviously you are but my body will need the reminder. So hands all over me, please. And keep your legs around me as well, at least for now, yeah?”

“Love you.” Liam tilts Zayn’s chin up for a moment to meet his eyes again. When Zayn beams back at him he soaks it in like sunshine, letting it wash over him and warm every part of his soul.

“Love you too.” Zayn responds before kissing Liam in the centre of his chest. He reaches for one of Liam’s hands and interlocks their fingers while kissing further down Liam’s front until he reaches the middle of his stomach, pausing to leave a mark. Liam plays with Zayn’s hand with his eyes closed, focusing on how this all feels. Zayn bites gently and Liam shivers before opening his eyes to see Zayn smirking up at him through his eyelashes. Liam thinks that look might be the end of him, until Zayn maintains eye contact and licks his stomach, and he knows Zayn will always find new ways to push him over the edge. “Fuck, Z. Already so fucking ready, Jesus Christ.”

Zayn squeezes Liam’s hand before bringing it up to his own head, waiting for Liam to play with his hair. When he does Zayn hums happily, his mouth still pressed against Liam’s stomach, and Liam feels it deep in his gut. He would do anything to keep Zayn this happy. Zayn leaves a few more kisses in his path while he makes his way to Liam’s dick, but he just presses one gentle kiss at the base before kneeling upright and putting his hands back on Liam’s chest. “Okay if I keep going?” he asks, seeing Liam already treading into Wonderland. Liam nods but Zayn needs more, so he moves back up to kiss Liam and bite gently on his lip to get his attention. Liam moans and says, “Yes, keep going. Please.” Zayn smiles into another kiss before moving his hands to Liam’s sides.

One hand on each side of his ribs, Zayn trails his fingers agonisingly slowly down Liam’s sides, watching him shiver and seeing the goosebumps cover his skin. He takes advantage of Liam’s fragile sensitivity to drag his lips down Liam’s jaw, letting his breath pause just as he’s about to kiss Liam again, waiting for Liam to be the one to bring their mouths together this time. When he does, it’s so gentle, their lips barely touching but both of them lingering, the stillness between them sacramental. The moment passes, but they’re both in a different space now, one all their own to explore together.

Giving a gentle squeeze to Liam’s waist, Zayn keeps their lips connected while bringing his hands across Liam’s torso and down his stomach, tapping out a rhythm with his fingertips and feeling Liam’s abs contract underneath his hands. When he reaches Liam’s legs he applies a careful pressure and flattens his palms, opening up his thighs, breaking the kiss so he can focus on his lower half. He keeps his hands flat on Liam’s legs as he reaches his knees, pausing to drop a kiss on the inside of his left thigh. Liam’s back arches and his hips open wider, inviting Zayn in. Zayn hears Liam sigh softly and looks up to see him smiling with his eyes closed.

“You look so happy right now, babe.” Zayn whispers, and Liam hums in agreement holding one of his hands out for Zayn to reach. Zayn takes his hand and puts it on his face, holding it in place with his own. Without opening his eyes Liam says, “You do too. I can feel your smile.” He caresses Zayn’s face with his fingertips for a moment more before letting his hand drop to Zayn’s shoulder and running down his arm where it’s still placed on his knee. Using Zayn’s hand, he pushes to open his legs up even more, sending a clear message.

“You ready for that? I want you on your stomach for that, Li.” Zayn laughs when Liam opens his eyes to wink at him before bringing his leg above Zayn’s head and flipping himself over, knees bent and fully in position in under ten seconds, looking at Zayn over his shoulder. “Fucking diva. Alright then.” Zayn chuckles, putting his hands on Liam’s lower back. “Flatten your legs for me for a minute. I’ll move you back when it’s needed.” He keeps massaging Liam’s back while he does as told. Zayn crawls back up Liam’s body and lays himself flat on top of his back, a position they haven’t found themselves in before, except when spooning, and this is so far beyond that. Zayn takes both of Liam’s hands in his own and stretches them out to the side while kissing the back of Liam’s neck, slowly moving his hips so that his dick moves across Liam’s ass. Liam grips Zayn’s hands tightly and presses his hips back into them, but doesn’t otherwise try to move. “Good. Stay put for me, babe. But tell me if you need me to stop.”

“Please don’t stop. Please. You’re so good at this, Z.” Liam mumbles, since his face is squished into the pillow. Zayn squeezes Liam’s hands once before letting them go and repositions the pillows to give Liam more support under his head. “Need you to be able to breathe, babe.” He moves a strand of hair out of Liam’s eyes and kisses Liam behind his ear, sitting up so he can put his hands on Liam’s back without any weight on him, except where their hips meet. Zayn circles his hands over Liam’s back while continuing to move himself over Liam’s ass, a cross between a massage and dry humping that has Liam grinding back into Zayn and turning his face into the pillow to muffle the noises he’s making. Zayn scoots himself off of Liam after a few minutes of teasing and drags his nails down Liam’s back, just enough to bring Liam back a bit from the edge. When he reaches Liam’s ass he takes it in his hands and asks, “Still alright?  Ready for me to keep going?”

Without answering Liam shifts to open his hips again, knees out and ass in the air. “You look stunning like this, dear, but I need words.” Zayn smiles waiting for Liam to answer, keeping his hands still where they are.

“Yes, fucking eat my ass, Zayn. I’m serving it up for you. Go to town.” Liam grumbles over his shoulder before turning his head back to face forward with a disgruntled pout. Zayn smiles fondly and can’t help but lean up for a kiss after that little temper tantrum. “So demanding. But I love it.” Liam smiles before pushing Zayn away gently and pointing back down where he wants him. “Please.” He adds as an afterthought making Zayn laugh before moving back where Liam wants. He moves his hands down Liam’s back and between his legs, opening his hips a bit wider and kissing the base of Liam’s spine. “Move your hands to support you, Li. You won’t remember your own name in a minute.”

“Promise?” Liam says while readjusting, his breath catching when he feels Zayn blow gently over his hole. “ fuck ” he whispers before shutting his eyes and turning his face forward to put his weight on his elbows and push his hips higher and wider. He feels Zayn start kissing the back of his legs, starting with the right leg, occasionally lingering and (hopefully) leaving a bit of a mark. He groans just at the thought of having Zayn mark up his body and he feels Z laugh softly to himself when he does. Zayn switches to Liam’s left leg and Liam feels one of Z’s hands trailing it’s way up his right where his mouth had just been, eventually just barely grazing from the base of his dick back to his ass. Liam can’t even decide where to focus, Zayn’s hand or his lips or his hair where it’s tickling his skin. He’s already overwhelmed and Zayn’s mouth still isn’t where he wants it. Zayn finally finishes marking up Liam’s thighs and kisses the bottom of Liam’s spine again while he gives his waist a quick squeeze.

“Yes, still good. Amazing.” Liam manages to reply, glancing over his shoulder to see Zayn smile and move his hands to Liam’s stomach from behind, a firm hold in front of each of his hips. Liam groans and turns his face back around just as he feels Zayn’s lips make contact. It’s barely a kiss, more a whisper of things to come, and Liam has to shove the pillow into his face to muffle the noise he makes, especially when he feels Zayn pulling his hips backwards to deepen the contact. This is so much more than Liam could have imagined, feels nothing like it has with anyone else, the way Zayn starts using his mouth feeling like a promise somehow. Where the fuck did Zayn learn how to do this? Liam feels like his whole body is on fire, beginning and ending with where Zayn’s tongue is perfectly fucking him one beautiful, infinite moment at a time. Zayn’s fingertips dig in slightly where they’re still holding Liam’s hips and he manages to shout through the pillow. “Fuck yes, keep going. Just - how?” Zayn’s tongue disappears and he feels them smile between his cheeks, knows they’re smirking with a hint of pride before resuming.

Zayn might be a bit obsessed already with how Liam responds to him, trying his best to maintain a semblance of dignity but in reality very close to screaming it would seem. He knows exactly what Liam will like, when to speed up, when to slow down or be gentle, when to let Liam yearn for it before giving him what he wants. Liam was right, Zayn is the only one who knows him this well, the only person who can be with him in this exact way. After another minute or two of enjoying Liam’s ass, Zayn decides it might be time to slow things down again, if the way Liam is pushing back into him is any indication. He leaves one last gentle kiss in his wake before moving his hands away from Liam’s hips and back to his sides, gently turning Liam over. He thinks he picked the right time based on the way Liam barely resists, just lets himself be laid down, keeping his eyes closed while he breathes deeply.

“Be right back. Breathe.” Zayn whispers before kissing Liam’s chest and starting to slide off the bed. Liam catches him with a slow hand and mumbles, “in the drawer.” Zayn kisses his hand before opening the nightstand and finding a travel size bottle of lube. Before he can grab it, he feels Liam tug on his arm and lets himself be pulled onto Liam’s chest, Liam holding onto him, one hand on his back, the other in his hair, legs wrapped around him too, his breathing heavy. Liam can’t believe how something as sexual as what Zayn just did could make him feel so seen and loved. And this is just the beginning. He kisses the top of Zayn’s head and breathes him in, tightening his hold, Zayn responding by nuzzling closer into his chest, taking in Liam’s warmth and smell, his favourite combination. “You happy, Li?” Zayn mutters between heartbeats.

“Oh, Zayn. Happiness is inadequate for this. How did you make that feel like love as much as it felt like sex? You’re really something else.” Liam tilts Zayn’s chin up to kiss him, but Zayn puts a hand on his lips before he can. “No, it’s alright. I don’t mind, Z. Kiss me, please.” Zayn waits a beat before removing his fingertips, and letting Liam pull him into a kiss. Liam’s lips feel impossibly soft and responsive after several minutes spent with his lips exploring one of the strongest muscles of his body. The contradiction is new to Zayn. He’s never known anyone to kiss him afterwards but he can’t deny it’s wonderful. They keep the kiss closed, just lips and noses brushing, a hint of Liam’s stubble felt on Zayn’s sensitive skin. Zayn sighs contentedly into the kiss and feels Liam smile against his lips. When Zayn breaks the kiss and stares intently at Liam, they both see the whole world reflected back in the other’s eyes, an understanding between them that ties them together. Zayn feels something deep in his centre, a certainty, and he can trace it back to Liam, feel the tension perfectly balanced, the give and take keeping them connected. “A tether.” Zayn whispers like an epiphany. Liam’s brow furrows for a moment before smiling wide and whispering, “Always.” Zayn pulls him close, his face in Liam’s neck, arms around his shoulders as best he can given that they’re still flat on the bed. “I just - I felt it just then. A physical pull in my gut that linked to you. Like fucking magic. I understood it before, but now I’ve felt it. Physically.” Liam holds him close and runs a hand along his back, soothing Zayn’s now erratic breathing.

“Fuck. I love you so much, Liam. Everytime I think I’ve reached the limit, you expand my boundaries. Break down every barrier I didn’t even realise was there.” Zayn feels Liam hold him tighter and whisper something, but it gets muffled against his shoulder because they’re holding each other so tight. He relaxes his hold on Liam just enough and waits patiently for him to repeat what he said.

“You’re my tether, too.” And that is what finally brings tears back to Zayn’s eyes, so he buries his face in Liam’s neck again and lets them fall, knowing that Liam is having the same moment. They stay like that for at least two songs, wrapped up together and at peace. Liam’s the first to relax his grip on Zayn and come back down to earth just a fraction, so he gently starts playing with Zayn’s hair and waits for him to come back too. When he does Liam kisses his temple and moves his hands back to Zayn’s waist and waits for their eyes to meet. “If you’re still up for it, I still want to have sex. Seems we communicate pretty well with our bodies, and we still have so much left to say. Things that are beyond words.” Zayn nods and kisses him on the forehead before reaching over and grabbing the lube out of the drawer, closing it softly and shifting himself to be seated on Liam’s lap again. “I know it’s been a while, but do you think we could do this facing each other? I’ll go slow, I promise. Make sure I’m not pushing you physically before your body is ready.”

“That’s how I want it too. Want to be able to kiss you and look in your eyes and talk to you while we do this.” Liam takes the bottle from Zayn and opens it, dropping just enough onto Zayn’s fingertips before setting it aside, within reach for both of them. “And I use different toys fairly often so even though it’s been a while, my body is still used to the stretch.”

“Still going to take my time.” Zayn moves between Liam’s legs now, opening his hips again. Liam brings his left knee up, opening himself up more and waiting for Zayn’s hand.

“You only need one hand for that, if I’m not mistaken. Gimme.” Liam holds his hand out and takes Zayn’s free hand to pull him forward, smiling when Zayn takes the opportunity to readjust and place himself over Liam’s right leg. Their joined hands end up on Liam’s chest while Zayn finishes warming up the lube between his right fingers. “You ready, babe?”

“For you? Always.” Liam kisses Zayn’s knuckles before setting their hands back on his sternum. He closes his eyes when he feels Zayn’s fingertips make contact with his already sensitive rim, a soft groan escaping his lips when Zayn slides the lube gingerly around the surrounding area. Clearly, he’s done this before, and just like everything else, he’s perfect. He feels Zayn kiss the knee he has up just as he slides the tip of his first finger inside of Liam, distracting him from the sensation just enough to keep him relaxed. Liam feels a squeeze on his hand so he opens his eyes. “Perfect. Keep going.” Immediately Zayn starts moving just the one finger in and out of Liam, starting to circle slowly once Liam relaxes around him. “Go ahead, Z. You can add another.” Liam arches his back when Zayn does just that, pushing himself down on Zayn’s fingers.

“Slow down, Liam. I’m not going anywhere.” Zayn laughs softly before moving his hand again, kissing Liam’s stomach just to the side of his dick. He knows it would be too much right now to add another sensation. “Still comfortable? You’re right, you’re not very tight. And you’re relaxing around me quickly.”

“I’ve never been more comfortable. Feels amazing, Z. Not an ounce of pain or discomfort so far.” Liam moves their hands down to his stomach now and flattens Zayn’s palm underneath his own. Zayn loves it, can feel the way Liam is breathing this way without having to guess. “Honestly you could probably add another, just keep it slow for a minute.” Zayn looks at Liam while testing the waters by applying a bit of pressure inside of him before nodding and adding a third finger while simultaneously biting his stomach gently, another perfect distraction that kept Liam from noticing anything more than a bit of a stretch. Zayn starts to leave a love bite in the same spot while slowly easing all three fingers in and out.

“Babe, let me loosen you a bit more before you move your hips. Need me to hold them in place? I know it isn’t always easy to be patient.” Zayn removes his hand for a moment and disengages his other hand from Liam’s stomach to grab the lube, dripping a bit more onto his fingers and warming it up again.

“Move your hips up my leg a bit. That’ll hold me in place enough. And you can even have a bit of fun if you want.” Liam manages to wink at Zayn who rolls his eyes, but does as he says, bringing their hips almost fully together. He still needs a bit of room to move his arm so he uses his own body to open Liam’s hips a bit wider and put his free hand back on Liam’s stomach under Liam’s hand. Slowly easing his fingers back into Liam he watches Liam’s face change from relaxed to turned on in an instant. “That slight pain kink is showing up, isn’t it?” They ask, smirking when Liam bites his bottom lip and tries to move his hips, but Zayn keeps him in place. “Not tonight, babe. That’s a whole other discussion to have.”

“I know, and we will. Later. But Z you’re somehow so gentle and so thorough at the same time. I swear we were made to have sex with each other.” Liam says with complete sincerity, pausing to breathe between phrases as Zayn starts to move his fingers deeper, making sure he’s as prepped as possible. Liam stops talking because now all he can focus on is Zayn’s fingers inside him, almost the feeling he’s after. And he can tell Zayn is purposely avoiding direct contact with his prostate, making him practically whine while trying to chase his fingers. But of course he can’t because he’s being held in place. Liam can tell he’s stretched enough by now, but it still feels amazing so he let’s Zayn keep going, occasionally clenching around his fingers to give Zayn a preview. Who says he can’t enjoy himself and focus on Zayn too?

“Liam, if you’re trying to prove a point, all you’ve done is make me sweat and start leaking on your stomach. Jesus. I’m not even in you yet.” Zayn slowly removes his fingers and maintains eye contact with Liam while putting them in his mouth to clean them off (a bit). Liam’s jaw drops for a moment before he grabs the bottle of lube and drips some into his own hand. “Come here and let me lube you up. After that little display I need to do something, anything, just please.” Zayn moves again to between Liam’s legs, lining himself up where Liam wants him, taking himself in his hand and waiting for Liam to take over.

Zayn groans and lets his head fall back when Liam takes him in his hand, thrusting gently into it and letting Liam warm him up for a few moments. He feels Liam readjusting himself below him while he does, putting both knees up now. Liam lets go of Zayn’s dick and holds his fingers up, waiting for Zayn to take them in his mouth. He does, gladly, moaning around them and finishing by licking up what’s left on his palm. He’s always loved a bit of a dirty cleanup. “You ready, Li? I need you to use your words, now more than ever.”

“Yes, I’m ready for you to put your beautiful dick inside of me and use your gorgeous body to give me the most amazing orgasm of my life. Now, preferably.” Liam fixes the pillow beneath his head while he talks and settles himself into a comfortable position, waiting for Zayn to finally fuck him after a decade of want.

“I love you so much, Liam.” Zayn says while lining himself up, one hand under Liam’s back to hold him steady. “Love you-” Liam stops and catches his breath as he feels Zayn start to push inside of him. It feels…unbelievable. A combination of a year without a sexual partner, the knowledge that it’s Zayn, finally, and the way in which Z is easing himself inside, slowly and steadily while focusing on how Liam’s body is responding, going at just the right pace and waiting for Liam’s muscles to relax around him. He feels Zayn move his free hand to his diaphragm before saying, “I need you to breathe Liam. Your ass may be relaxed, but your lungs aren’t.” That gets Liam to laugh, which in turn resets his breathing. Fuck, Zayn knows him so well.

Now that Liam’s breathing normally again, Zayn takes a moment to appreciate this, having Liam underneath him, so trusting and just beyond beautiful. The way his skin is reflecting the candlelight has him glowing amber, and Zayn feels like he can taste it. He’s almost all the way in Liam now, still patiently letting him adjust, Zayn already biting his own bottom lip because it feels amazing, and so far above just the physical level. He catches Liam staring at him so he smiles back, and he knows Liam can see how gone for him he feels right now. They’ve crossed the barrier of another first in their relationship and time stands still for a moment just as Zayn slides all the way in, both of them letting out a breath when it happens. Liam reaches a hand out to them and Zayn gladly leans forward onto his body now that they can both relax a fraction, their chests meeting at the same time as their lips, Liam wrapping his legs around Zayn while they kiss, pushing him in even deeper.

“You still alright?” Zayn whispers against Liam’s lips, his hands moving up into Liam’s hair. Whatever lube’s left on there will get washed away in the shower, but he does smirk a bit when he sees how wrecked Liam already looks.

“Beyond. You’re everything, Zayn. Feels incredible already…You can start moving anytime.” Liam pulls Zayn closer again with his legs, making him giggle and his eyes light up.

“Keep your hair on. I want to savour this. I know what I’m doing, Li. You don’t want this quick and easy.” He pulls his mouth just out of reach of Liam’s lips. “You need to be teased.” Zayn tugs on a piece of Liam’s hair. “Need to be edged.” He pulls out part way before slowly sliding back in. “Deserve to be worshipped.” He lets his hands roam down to Liam’s chest and play with his chest hair while moving in and out again, even slower. “You want to beg.” He rolls his hips in circles for a minute, still slow and gentle, making Liam groan and loosen the hold his legs have on Zayn. “Want a hint of pain.” He presses his teeth into a bruise from earlier, hard enough for Liam to feel it, back to moving his hips softly in and out while he talks. “Need me to be gentle.” Zayn trails his fingertips down Liam’s side, making him shiver and push his hips up to meet Zayn. “Want to hear me.” He buries a moan into Liam’s neck just below his ear to coincide with a deep thrust, Liam bringing a hand up to hold the back of his neck and keep him there. “Need me to take my time with you.” Zayn tilts his head the other way to kiss Liam deeply, matching his lips movements to those of his hips, Liam’s tongue chasing his but never quite catching it. “Want to taste yourself on me.” He finally lets Liam have his tongue, pressing it into the roof of Liam’s mouth and feeling his whole body shudder and his ass clench around his dick. Zayn almost blacks out from the sensation and takes a moment to breathe, putting his focus back on Liam. “You want to feel it afterwards. Want your muscles to be sore.” He brings his hands down to Liam’s abs, feeling them contract while Liam moves his hips in time with Zayn. He knows Liam’s abs will be as sore as his tomorrow. Fucking is hard work. “You want to come together, and you want me to make you wait.” Liam moans, Zayn finally having found his prostate, but not staying there for longer than a heartbeat. “You want me to come in you. Want to feel it happen inside of you.” “Please,” Liam gasps, his breathing rapid, but even. Zayn smiles, moving his lips back to Liam’s ear to whisper, “And you want me to eat it out of you, clean you up with my mouth, and let you taste both of us when I’m done.” Liam bites into Zayn’s shoulder gently, putting his hands on Zayn’s hips and pulling him as deep as he can, moving himself around Zayn until he’s angled exactly how Liam wants him.

Zayn stops talking, having gotten Liam most of the way there, focusing on moving how Liam wants, watching Liam letting go beneath him, getting them both closer to the edge. He tries his best to ground himself because if he’s honest he could’ve come about five minutes ago. The way Liam moves and sounds and smells and feels, everything about this, about Liam, is absolutely perfect. Zayn wishes this could be infinite, letting their bodies love each other in a way that matches their souls.

“Zayn, I-” Liam opens his eyes to meet Zayn’s and sees he’s barely holding it together. “I know, Liam. Just a minute longer…stay?” Zayn whispers the last part and Liam understands. It breaks his heart open just a little bit more.

“Come here, Z.” Liam waits for Zayn to readjust, laying flat on top of him now so their bodies are fully connected and their lips can brush together. Zayn moves faster now, keeping his hands on Liam’s hips so he can get them both right up to the edge together, using his torso to add friction to Liam’s dick. When Liam feels a tear drop onto his cheek from Zayn he’s not surprised to feel tears in his own eyes. “I love you so much,” he mutters, his voice breaking. “Let go, Z. I’ll catch you.” Zayn chokes on a sob before moving his arms around Liam’s back and letting himself go, releasing everything he’s feeling into Liam. Liam feels Zayn’s orgasm with his whole body and it’s what finally brings him to his own release, holding Zayn close with his arms and his heart, that tether they share pulling them both together into an ocean of bliss. Zayn cries gently through his orgasm, so overwhelmed with love and sensation and joy that he tries to press into Liam’s body so he can feel it too. Liam understands everything Zayn is sharing and holds him tight, feeling like he’s been seen all the way to his soul by the way Zayn loves him, his own tears wetting his cheeks while his body calms back down.

They lay tangled up in each other for what feels like a lifetime. Zayn memorises everything he can, storing it away with every other memory of Liam, the person that will always inspire him to live and love and breathe. Liam feels full in more ways than one, overflowing with love for the person in his arms. They’ve shared something most people only yearn for.

After they both come back into their bodies Liam squeezes Zayn’s waist, nodding for him to ease out. Zayn does, going slowly and kissing Liam softly before moving between his legs. True to his promise, he puts his mouth back on Liam’s ass, but gentle this time, soft and slow and reverent. Liam’s never been bold enough to ask a partner to do this, and Zayn just knew, just like with everything else. Zayn’s careful not to overstimulate the already oversensitive area, doing just enough to clean him out, Liam occasionally clenching against his tongue and feeding him a bit more of his own traces until he’s taken it all back. Zayn doesn’t even hesitate, no embarrassment between them in what they both want.  When Liam’s ass is clean Zayn moves to Liam's stomach, realising he has a bit of Liam on his own torso. He licks up what’s left on Liam, taking his time and maybe spending a full minute just licking his abs like they’re fucking candy, eventually making Liam giggle because it tickles. Zayn smiles and sits up, pulling Liam with him so he’s kneeling in Liam’s lap. “Clean me off, Li.”

Liam grabs Zayn’s waist and brings his mouth to their stomach, kissing and licking and an occasional bite to even them out. Zayn keeps his hands in Liam’s hair, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head in praise. Liam was absolutely amazing for him. When Liam’s satisfied, Zayn sits down from where he’s been kneeling, placing himself fully in Liam’s lap while pulling Liam into another kiss. They kiss lazily for several minutes, hands on each other’s back and tongues slow and soft. Zayn hums into their kiss and Liam smiles before taking his tongue again, wanting another taste of Zayn before they have to separate to breathe.

“You were amazing, Liam. You’re an incredible bottom, you know that? Far and away the best sex I’ve ever had.” Zayn watches Liam glow from the praise, his eyes shining before he pulls Zayn into another embrace.

“Zayn I don’t feel like sex is even adequate to describe that. That wasn’t just our bodies, it was all of us…How did you even know that?” Liam leans back from the hug to look in Zayn’s eyes.

“Which part, love?” Zayn kisses Liam’s cheek and puts a hand on his face, staring intently into his eyes.

“All of it. The specifics. I’ve never mentioned even half of those things to you, and some of them I’ve only dreamed about.” Liam feels Zayn’s thumb stroking his cheek, but he can only focus on how Zayn’s eyes look, the only thing behind them love.

“I know you, Liam.” Zayn leans forward to bring their lips together again. “I pay attention to you. You’re my favourite person in the world. I just want you to be happy.”

“You have no idea, Zayn. I feel seen in the most vulnerable and beautiful way. You really are magic.” Liam kisses Zayn’s forehead and holds him there for a moment as if he can absorb a bit of Zayn through their skin.

“Can we shower together? I’m…well I would say exposed, but that’s not quite it. I just need to have you near me the rest of the night. Need you with me, know you aren’t going anywhere.” Zayn searches Liam’s eyes for a hint of too much, but all he sees is understanding.

“Wouldn’t want it any other way.” Liam shifts Zayn off his lap but links their hands together and helps Zayn stand up from the bed with him. They both laugh as they try to stand up, their legs and their everything sore from all the exertion. “Now help me blow out these candles before it becomes an actual furnace in here. Oh, and open that drawer again.” Liam nods his head at the bedside table, waiting for Zayn to find them.

“Frogs! You brought chocolate for after?” Zayn wraps himself around Liam, causing him to stumble back and his knees to collide with the bed again, giggling into Zayn’s neck.

“Of course. Anything to make you happy, Z.” Liam kisses Zayn’s neck before moving to grab them each a snack. “Now, eat. We need the sugar.”

***

They take a long shower together, soaping each other all over and washing each other’s hair. If there was an aftercare Olympics, they would both win with the way they massage each other’s shoulders to relieve any lingering tension and make sure to pause for kisses every minute or so. They giggle and flirt their way through the shower, letting the water wash away any weight from earlier in the weekend.

After they’re dry, Liam offers to moisturise Zayn, really just an excuse to keep his hands on him. He smiles at how blissed out Zayn gets, glad that he’s reading this all correctly, that he still knows exactly how to take care of Zayn. Zayn returns the favour happily, his soft hands writing his love into Liam’s skin over and over in a pattern Liam understands.

They brush their teeth together like an old married couple, bumping their hips and mock fighting over use of the sink. It’s exactly as domestic and natural as they’ve always wanted. Liam makes sure they both drink a full glass of water before turning off the light and leading the way back into the bedroom.

When they finally fall back into bed, clean and satisfied and exhausted, it feels like forever. Zayn pulls Liam into him, holding him from behind and wrapping himself around Liam, pressing a kiss to his shoulder and sighing into a more relaxed position for sleeping.

“Night, Liam. I love you. Forever.” Zayn whispers in the sleepiest voice Liam has ever heard.

Liam turns his head to press their lips together. “I love you for always, Zayn.”

“As long as I’m living…” Zayn responds, his heart swelling when he sees Liam nod before turning back around and scooting himself back further into Zayn. They fall asleep almost immediately, hearts beating in sync.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 12

Liam’s alarm wakes them early the next morning, Zayn reaching over to snooze it before Liam can stop him.

“But-” Liam grumbles, not really fighting, letting Zayn pull him back into full spooning position and hold him tight.

“No. Cuddle me for ten more minutes.” Zayn kisses the back of Liam’s neck and settles behind him again, letting himself drift back to sleep for a few minutes lulled by their shared warmth. And in what feels like an instant, he hears Liam’s alarm again, this time letting Liam grab it and turn it off before rotating to face Zayn and wake him up. Zayn might be grumpy in the morning, but it’s Liam so he’ll allow it.

“Have to get up in a minute, Z.” Liam kisses the side of Zayn’s mouth and combs his fingers through their hair. Zayn is absolutely beautiful in the mornings, rested and soft and warm. It’s incredibly tempting to let Zayn keep sleeping for as long as he wants.

Zayn squints his eyes open to look at Liam and pouts his lips, waiting. When Liam leans forward again for a full kiss Zayn whispers against his mouth, “Good morning, fiance,” feeling Liam smile immediately in response.

“Good morning, fiance.” Liam wraps himself around Zayn in a tight hug, one of his legs around Zayn’s hips and face buried in his hair. “Best morning of my life.”

“You going to say that every morning now?” Zayn teases Liam, but it’s warm and fond. It’s also the best morning of his life by a wide margin.

“And if I do?” Liam blows a raspberry on Zayn’s neck making him squirm and giggle and effectively waking him up. They’re so disgustingly in love with each other and Liam wouldn’t want it any other way.

“Alright, you win. I’m up. Kiss me again then pick out my outfit.” Zayn pushes Liam off his chest gently, stretching and making little noises while Liam climbs out of the bed and heads to the bathroom. He turns when he reaches the door to say, “You really are the most adorable person, you know that? I think I’m quite in love with you.”

“I sure hope so. Would hate for this marriage to be one sided, babe.” Zayn blows him a kiss which he catches in his hand and pats into his own cheek, making Zayn giggle again. “You’re ridiculous. I love you, too.”

Liam chooses a soft pair of old black jeans, a red jumper, and a black beanie for Z to wear for the day, putting the beanie on Zayn’s head himself with a kiss to his forehead. He’s dressed himself in blue jeans and an ivory jumper. He can’t be bothered to worry about covering either of their love bites from the past few days, but he supposes there’s always scarves if it’s a concern.

“I’ll go make us tea for the train. Pack up the rest of our things?” Zayn gives Liam a brief kiss before heading downstairs to the kitchen. He finds Karen and Geoff already there, sharing their morning tea with their hands linked across the table, Milo at their feet. “Morning.” He smiles wide at them while walking over to the kettle.

“Making tea for you two?” Karen asks from across the room. She and Geoff are the picture of marital bliss, even 30+ years into their relationship. Zayn smiles just thinking about having that kind of time with Liam. It feels like such a gift to know that they’ll have that and more. He can’t wait.

“Yeah. Li’s upstairs packing.” Zayn retrieves their travel thermoses from the drying rack and adds a tea bag to each while waiting for the water to boil. “So…” He turns around to face them again. “How long have you two known and don’t say you didn’t because I know he had help.”

Karen splutters into her tea and Geoff flushes exactly like his son. Did they think Zayn would believe gay faeries set that room up for them?

“It may have been a group effort. Yes.” Geoff says after a moment. “But you get to include your father in this too. Yaser helped, even if it was over facetime. We spent an hour or two bickering over exactly where to place everything, made sure it looked just right.”

“I did the flower arrangements. But I’m assuming you could’ve guessed that much.” Karen takes a sip of her tea, having recovered and now looking smug. “Nicola and Ruth made sure the music was correct and lit all the candles and took a few pictures when Liam texted you were on your way back.”

“So how long?” Zayn has his arms crossed and is leaning against the counter, looking stern. He’s actually beaming with joy on the inside, but he wants to see how much they’ll spill before he breaks.

“Well he told me he was going to marry you when he was eleven. But technically…about a year.” Geoff mumbles the last bit. Zayn realises why when Karen scoffs and reaches across the table to swat him gently.

“You’ve known a year? He only told me yesterday. I mean, I knew, but still.” Karen takes her tea back up, looking cross.

“Called me last November. Told me he didn’t know when but he knew he was going to marry you and wanted to talk through some ideas… I believe Louis may also be aware.” Geoff looks guilty, but also proud. It’s clear he’s very happy with this outcome, even if he didn’t like having to keep it a secret.

“Wow. That was easier than I thought.” Zayn uncrosses his arms and walks over to them, giving each a kiss on the cheek and beaming at them. “You two could never keep a secret from me, could you?”

“From you? Never. You’re my best confidant, Z.” Karen pats his cheek gently. “Probably why Liam called his father and not me, come to think of it. I never could’ve kept that from you.”

“It was mentioned…” Geoff focuses on his tea, but Zayn sees the smirk he’s trying to hide. “The two of you and your gossip. Can hardly blame him.”

“Well, I’m waiting for a congratulations any moment now…” Zayn stands with his arms out, and almost immediately is brought into a tight three way hug with both Karen and Geoff, Milo jumping up on all three of them with an excited bark. Karen gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek before stepping back and taking his face in her hands.

“I’m so happy for you two. You’re going to have an amazing life together.” Karen says with pride in her eyes. Geoff adds, “I’ve never been more happy, for both of you.” Zayn gives each of them another hug individually and a head scratch to Milo before letting them sit back down. This is his family, and he’s so lucky to have them. Their support, their love, their guidance. He can’t imagine having it any other way.

“As your future son-in-law, do I get to ask a favour or two yet?” Zayn is back at the kettle, preparing their tea now.

“You’re already our kid, but I suppose a favour would be allowed. What do you need, Z?” Karen answers, almost to the word how Zayn would have predicted.

“We can’t possibly keep all the flowers. I want to take some back with us, preserve some. And of course you can keep what you like. But could you bring the rest to the care home in town? Liam and I already talked about it but I don’t think we’ll have time to stop before the train.” Zayn’s finished making their tea, one ready thermos in each hand.

“You two really do think of everything. Of course we can do that. Neither of us has to work today, so we would be happy to spread a little joy on your behalf.” Geoff answers, hand back in Karen’s grasp.

“One more, if I could.” Zayn is near the doorway now. “Could you store the candles and their holders for a few months? We’d like to use them at the wedding. What do you think?”

“I think that’s a beautiful idea, Zayn.” Karen answers, nodding her head. “But I’ll remember to keep one or two just for you two to have for memories.”

“Thanks, mum. We’ll come say goodbye before we take the train. Love you.” And Zayn walks away and back upstairs to his partner, full to the brim with joy.

***

Liam’s making the bed when he finds it, tucked under the pillow he used last night, just like the one he found last year. He picks up the paper, wondering at what point Zayn woke up and did this without him noticing. Zayn always has been a bit of a restless sleeper, so maybe early morning? Even though he was sound asleep and wrapped around him by the time Liam’s alarm went off. Liam unfolds the notebook paper and sees it’s written in the same purple sharpie he was using to sign the books last night.

“My wife’s the reason anything gets done

She nudges me towards promise by degrees

She is a perfect symphony of one

Our son is her most beautiful reprise.

We chase the melodies that seem to find us

Until they’re finished songs and start to play

When senseless acts of tragedy remind us

That nothing here is promised, not one day.

This show is proof that history remembers

We lived through times when hate and fear seemed stronger;

We rise and fall and light from dying embers, remembrances that

Hope and love last longer

And love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed

Or swept aside.

I sing Vanessa’s symphony, Eliza tells her story

Now fill the world with music, love, and pride.”

We lived through it all, Liam. We rose from dying embers. You are the most perfect symphony.

I can’t hear this sonnet and not think of you.

For so long I knew that nothing was promised and that was all I knew.

But now I know another thing too. You.

I know you, Liam. And I know our love.

And that is more than I could have ever hoped for when all I knew was tragedy.

You’re my proof that history remembers, that hope and love last longer.

And when I feel the weight of the world and its hate and its cruelty, I will have you.

I will hold you in my arms and listen to your heartbeat and feel your steady breathing and soak in your warmth. And you’ll tell me to look at you, and I will, and your eyes will bring me back.  You will bring me back. My tether to what’s real and what matters.

Sometimes I wish the burdens of the world wouldn’t rest so comfortably on your shoulders. That the hate and the pain and the unbearable weight of humanity might pass you by sometimes and rest somewhere else instead. It seems unfair that you have to handle so much of it. Even Atlas cannot hold up the entire world on his own. But your heart was built to love without restraint. And I wouldn’t change that for anything. So instead I will ask that you let me lift some of that weight, keep it manageable, help you sort through the pieces as they pile up, and that you let me bring you back, too. Hold me close, kiss me like you need it to breathe, love me with that beautiful, empathetic heart. And I promise to be your tether, too.

Thank you for never letting me go. Thank you for being my reason. Thank you for being my light.

You are ineffable, too.

Z

Zayn comes back to the loft with two thermoses of tea and finds Liam crying on the floor next to the bed, head in his hands and note on the ground beside him. Zayn kneels down in front of him and gently moves his hands away so he can look him in the eye. “I meant it. Every word.” And when Liam pulls him in and hugs him tight and cries into his shoulder, he feels a bit of the weight that Liam always carries around falling off. 

“Zayn?” Liam’s voice is so soft when he finally breaks the silence, still holding Zayn tightly.

“Liam.” Zayn hugs him tighter still, feeling like he’s holding Liam together right now. It’s a beautiful, honest moment of trust for Liam to be this vulnerable. It takes him another minute before he can answer, letting out a sigh and relaxing into Zayn’s arms.

“Thank you for seeing how heavy it is.” And maybe that breaks Zayn’s heart a little bit, and maybe Liam feels a little broken admitting that he needs the validation, but their broken pieces fit together and the sum of their broken hearts is like an answered puzzle, the picture finally in focus and complete.

And so they sit together for a few more minutes until Liam feels light enough to breathe again. Zayn kisses him and Liam feels the promise that he wrote being repeated through their lips. And they both know that this, these moments together, will always be everything they need.

***

@jmzbrandan tweets:

Spent a perfect evening with my partner at @TheBookNook in Wolverhampton and left behind quite a few signed copies. Say hello to Nigel if you stop in. Sending love xx JMZ

***

“Remind me how we left with one shared suitcase, and we’re returning with a suitcase, two bags of books, and armfuls of flowers?” Liam says as they climb the stairs to their flat.

“I think we may have gotten engaged? Could have something to do with it.” Zayn says over his shoulder, digging in his pocket for his keys. When he finally frees them and finds the one he needs, he sets aside the books and unlocks their home, holding the door open for Liam.

“Wait, stay there.” Liam sets their things just inside the entryway and walks back into the hall. Grinning wide, he scoops Zayn into his arms to carry him bridal style across the threshold, Zayn giggling and wrapping his arms around Liam’s neck.

“Isn’t that for after the wedding, Li?” Zayn says as Liam sets him back down inside their home and kisses him sweetly.

“I think we broke any of those rules already on account of being gay and living together out of wedlock and whatever else.” Liam carries the rest of their things in from the hallway and locks the door behind them, turning to Zayn again. Zayn tugs him into another hug and sways them together for a moment.

“Honey, we’re home.” Zayn whispers, turning around to stand in front of Liam and facing their flat together, both seeing it with new eyes now. “The first time we’re here as an us. Can’t believe it’s only been about three days. So much has changed.”

“Yeah…but also no. Being with you feels more like a continuation than a new beginning. Because it was always you.” Liam holds Zayn close from behind, head on his shoulder again. Zayn leans his head back to kiss Liam, closing his eyes and putting a hand in Liam’s hair, humming happily to himself and saying, “It was always you, too.”

Liam takes Zayn by the hand and pulls him into their flat, abandoning their things in the entryway. He keeps Zayn’s hand while walking into the kitchen and reaching beside the fridge to pull out a collapsed cardboard box and handing it over with a grin. Zayn tilts his head in a question while taking it in his free hand. “You’ve lost me, babe.” Liam just smiles and tugs his hand again, walking them to Zayn’s room now.

“Moving day,” is all he says, kissing Zayn on the cheek and nudging him into the room. “Hop to it. I want my fiancé moved into our room, please. Should be able to find it alright. It’s just across the hall.”

“You are absolutely ridiculous and I love you so fucking much. Oh my god.” Zayn is gasping for air, laughing so hard he can barely get the words out. Liam drops the box from his hand and picks Zayn up, sweeping his knees out from under him and carrying him over to the bed, laying him down gently and kneeling over him. Zayn reaches their hands up and pulls Liam into him, kissing him intently and winding himself around Liam completely. Liam lets himself be gathered into Zayn immediately, both of them so incredibly happy, giggling and smiling between kisses. They stay that way for a few minutes, eventually stopping to just lay and stare into each other’s eyes, Zayn playing with Liam’s hands between them and Liam brushing Zayn’s hair out of his face when it falls to cover his eyes.

“This may be the first time I want to be late for something.” Liam says, making Zayn laugh and kiss him again.

“Don’t have to leave for another half an hour. I could probably move all the important things in that time. Can work on this room later this week.” Zayn sits up, taking Liam with him. “We’ll be too busy later tonight to be moving my things, so best get it out of the way.”

“Busy, hm?” Liam pats Zayn gently on the bum on his way out the door, meandering back to the entryway to retrieve what they’ve dropped. “Hurry up, then. I’ll unpack from our trip while you move. Deal?”

When he doesn’t hear an answer, Liam glances back to see Zayn already has about a dozen notebooks in his arms, starting to walk across the hall, pausing when he sees Liam staring. “What?”

“Of course you would start with those.” Liam genuinely feels like he could burst with how much he loves Zayn. “Can I propose again? Once doesn’t feel sufficient, given who you are as a person.”

“More than sufficient.” Zayn drops the notebooks on Liam’s…No, their bed now… and chases Liam into the hallway, jumping on his back before he can react. “You’re stuck with me now, babe. And you aren’t allowed a redo. Perfect proposal from a perfect man. No take backs.”

Liam carries Zayn back into his old room and drops him on the bed again. “Focus. We have to go tell the others so we can get back here and spend some time together. Alone.”

Zayn salutes him with a mock serious face. “Yes, sir.” Before hopping off the bed and grabbing a handful of books to carry across the hall.

“Something besides books, Zayn.” Liam rolls his eyes, letting Zayn walk past him and into their room again, adding the books to the pile of notebooks already there.

“No.” Zayn turns away from Liam to start organising the books on the nightstand on his side of the bed, which he now realises was suspiciously empty already. He turns around to see Liam watching him, smirking.

“Already cleared a few drawers, too,” he says before returning to his own task of unpacking from the weekend. 

***

“You ready, babe?” Zayn has a hand flat on the door to Louis and Harry’s flat, looking back at Liam and giving his hand a squeeze.

“Best get it over with. The teasing is going to be relentless. And filthy. Lou’s been saving it for years.” Liam reaches around Zayn and turns the doorknob, the sound of scrambling paws and excited barks greeting them before the door is even cracked open. Zayn kneels down immediately once they’re inside to roll on the floor with Clifford. Liam stands to the side and lets it happen, a ridiculously fond smile already in place.

“I missed you so much. It’s been too long. I know. I know, you’re such a good dog. Were your parents good? Did you behave for them? You did, I know. The best boy, Clifford. Your Uncle Liam and I are getting you a cousin. Yes we are! You want to meet your cousin? You do? Ready to have a playmate? Go on walks together? That’s a good boy. Yes, all the attention. I missed you too.” Zayn hasn’t even spared a glance for any of the humans in the flat yet, until he gets an annoyed “Oi!” from a few feet away. He sits up at the same time as Clifford, both smiling wide and looking at Louis.

“Alright, Lou?” Zayn says from the floor, holding his hand out for Liam to help him up, Clifford jumping on Liam now that Zayn is distracted.

“That depends, you going to come inside properly and save some of that enthusiasm for the rest of us?” Louis’ eyes are shining bright as he walks towards them, immediately pulling Zayn into a tight hug. Hugging Louis feels like family, always. 

“So fucking happy for you, Zayn. So fucking happy. Yeah?” Louis says before letting him out of the hug with a hair tussle. “And you.” Louis turns to Liam and drags him into another crushing hug. “Proud of you, mate. So bloody proud. You’re beaming, you know that? Absolutely lit up like a Christmas tree.”

“I’m so happy, Lou.” Liam has his eyes closed, soaking up some of the pride Louis is pressing into their hug. “He’s everything.”

Louis squeezes him tighter for a moment before stepping back and tilting his head behind him. “H is in the kitchen. Obviously. You two - “ He turns to look in the sitting area where Niall and Shawn are in their own world on the sofa. “Come say hi to these idiots.”

“Seen them.” Niall says with barely a glance in their direction, making Shawn laugh and squeeze his knee. Shawn stands from the sofa and meets them in a group hug, one arm going around each of their shoulders. “Happy for you two. Really. You really suit each other, you know? It’s like you match.”

Zayn and Liam look at each other and smile, Liam rubbing his thumb over Zayn’s knuckles before giving the same hand a kiss. “Yeah, we do. Always have.” Zayn responds slowly, not taking his eyes off Liam.

“What the fuck Disney film did I just walk into?” They hear Louis snark from the kitchen. “When are the woodland creatures showing up to clean the house?”

“To be fair, they weren’t much better at the wedding.” Niall says, walking up behind Shawn, one hand on Shawn’s back. “If that was before they figured this out, we’re in for a long brunch.”

“Good. Haven’t had enough time together, all six of us.” They all turn to where H is standing by the oven. “I’ll come love on you two in a minute. Just waiting for the cauliflower bites to finish in the oven.”

“Take your time. We’ll be annoyingly in love for another 50 years or so.” Zayn absentmindedly pulls Liam into his side, arms going around him and pressing a kiss to his cheek while glancing in the direction of where H and Louis are at the stove. “Be right back.” Zayn gives Liam a quick kiss before walking to the kitchen, leaving him to chat with Shawn and Niall for a minute.

While walking over to H, Zayn shoos Louis out of the kitchen saying, “Go annoy my partner for a second, would you?” He pulls Harry into a hug, one hand in his hair and the other tight around his back. He mumbles quietly, just for Harry to hear, “You doing alright, H? Haven’t been able to check in since we talked on Thursday.”

Harry hugs Zayn back and sighs into his shoulder. “Yeah, m’alright. Been doing a lot of thinking. Might have some more questions, things I want to ask you about.” They both step out of the hug, but keep their voices low while they continue their conversation.

“All in your own time, H. No need to rush anything.” Harry is giving him one of those soul searching stares again, and this time Zayn sees a bit of loneliness behind it. “Why don’t you come over tomorrow, spend some time at our place, have a bit of a stream of consciousness conversation? I need help with the guest room anyway, so if you want to keep it private just tell them that instead, yeah?”

Harry nods and turns back to the stove for a moment, deep in thought. Zayn knows there’s more so he waits, watching H fidget with the oven gloves. “I think I might not be okay right now.” And yeah. Zayn knows that feeling a little too well.

“That’s alright. Sometimes things come around and knock us off our axis a bit. Come here for a sec.” Zayn has his arm out, bringing H into his side and turning them to face the rest of the group who are all busy in their own conversation. “You see that man you married over there? He would literally move a mountain for you. He loves you more than should be humanly possible and he always will. And Liam? He would protect you from anyone and anything without hesitation. I don’t call him a teddy bear for nothing. Soft, but incredibly strong. Niall has always been the person you need to see when it gets to be too much. Don’t be afraid to call him up when you need a breather. Shawn, well that’s up to you. He’s part of us now, and I know he would do whatever you need. And me?” Zayn turns to look at Harry again. “I’m here to be your confidant. Whatever you need to process or question or cry about, I’ve been there. Maybe in a slightly different way, but I will never judge you for any of this…There’s not a single person in this room who wouldn’t be there for you at a moment's notice. You have us, all of us, while you’re figuring it out and for all the time after. It’s okay if you’re not okay, just…let us know if you feel it spiraling. That’s what we’re for.”

“I think I’m really lucky to have you as my best friend.” Harry answers after a moment, squeezing Zayn’s waist briefly before settling in beside him to look at their friends.

“Yeah. Me too.” Zayn boops Harry’s nose and turns back around to face the kitchen, the mood sufficiently lightened for the time being. “Probably starve without you.”

“Please. You and Liam are both amazing in the kitchen. Always so dramatic.” Harry smirks while taking the cauliflower out of the oven. “You and Louis can fight it out for the Oscar sometime.”

“He’ll win. The way he carries on about football sometimes. Unbelievable.” Zayn automatically starts helping Harry finish getting everything ready, grabbing serving dishes from the cupboard.

“So…how was the date?” Harry sneaks a treat to Clifford with his eyes on Zayn, watching him light up immediately at the question.

“Unbelievable. Perfect. Romantic. Best night of my life.” Zayn turns to Harry to tell him all about it, completely forgetting what they were doing.

“I saw the puppies. Where’d he take you after that?” Harry is leaning back on the counter, arms braced behind him while they talk.

“He gave me a book. Well, it was more than just a book. But H. Pride and Prejudice. Custom made. And he put a bookplate.” Zayn has his hands on his face now, still not quite believing it himself.

“You love books! And that’s like maybe your favourite one.” Harry sneaks a glance at Liam, and catches him watching Zayn every few seconds even though he’s deep in conversation with the others. “And after the book?”

“We took pictures at sunset. At some place that Liam found. I picked the angles and the shots and everything else once we got there. Obviously.” Zayn flicks his hand to emphasise his point.

“Obviously. Do we get to see the pictures? Or are they like a secret date night thing?” Harry sees Zayn smile and look down before answering.

“You’ll see them. Soon.” Zayn winks before continuing. “Then we picked up dinner from Ella at the cafe. Apparently Liam’s had this planned out for about a year, but moved it to Wolverhampton last minute given…everything. Otherwise he said you would’ve been our special chef.”

“That actually makes a lot of sense. He’s been asking me weird questions about random recipes he finds online. I thought he was just going through something and coping with pinterest. Been there…but turns out he was wooing you. So.” Harry pushes the plate of crepes out of Clifford’s reach just as he jumps up to grab it.

“Well whatever you told him worked. He and Ella picked a perfect dinner for the bookshop. Oh! We spent the rest of the night at the bookstore in town. You saw my tweet?” Zayn smiles when H nods. “Yeah I signed some copies for them, actually met a reader. Well, a potential reader. It’s complicated, I’ll explain later. Tomorrow. It’ll fit that conversation.”

“Spent the night in a bookstore. Liam really pulled out all the stops. Can’t imagine a better place for you two to have a date. How many books came home with you?” Harry laughs when he sees Zayn start counting while mumbling to himself.

“...16. I think. But I’m shit at maths.” Zayn laughs too. “We talked. About all the serious stuff. Kids, money, wedding, all of it. But that probably doesn’t surprise you.”

“Nope.” Harry shakes his head gently. “You two and your lists and your schedules and your serious conversations. You switch from filthy flirting to existential philosophy in the space of a breath. Ridiculous.”

“Yes, well, that will never change. Just how we are. I’ll never be bored a day in my life with Liam. He makes me think. His brain is the most attractive thing about him. And you’ve seen him.” Zayn’s staring at Liam across the room again, eyes crinkling when he hears Liam laugh at something Shawn said.

“You and your thing for smart people. You have him recite poetry while you’re shagging or something?” Harry cackles when Zayn flushes and coughs, looking down at his feet. “Oh my god. I can’t believe…I was joking but alright. Good for you two. Or whatever. Glad you’re having a healthy sex life.”

“Oh we are. Very. And it’s only been a few days.” Zayn’s still slightly flushed but he’s also smiling. Clearly it’s not just about the sex. “He loves me so much, Harry. You’ve no idea. Like actual unconditional forever love.”

“Yeah. You too, though. You’ve never loved anyone the way you love him. Everyone in your life has seen that since we were kids.” Harry turns the kettle on so they can have fresh tea with brunch, which is almost ready.

“Yeah, me too…Everytime I think I figured out how much I love him, he does something and it feels like that scene in the Grinch where his heart grows three sizes. Like a physical discomfort from how much I’m trying to fit that love in my tiny human heart.” Zayn has a hand on his chest while he explains, a visual aid for what can’t be put into words.

“Settle down there, Professor Malik. Save some for the next book.” Harry hands Zayn the tea tray to start setting up tea service for everyone. They’ve each had a specific set for brunch as long as Harry and Louis have been married, and Harry picked a set with Shawn a few weeks ago to add to the collection, the group now complete in more ways than one. Zayn helps H finish what needs to get done in the kitchen as they keep gossiping about their partners, while Liam and Louis have their own catch-up near the seating area.

“They seem tired…You get anything out of them before we got here?” Liam tilts his head in the direction of the sofa, where Niall and Shawn have just retaken their spots from before. “I know they had a rough time at the wedding. Hell, we all did. But they left early.”

“Not sure, if I’m honest. They seem good though.” Louis nods, looking thoughtful. “I think whatever they’re dealing with isn’t between them…probably Shawn’s work again.”

“Yeah that’s…I can’t even imagine. I mean. I can imagine. But, that’s a lot of pressure for them.” Liam is keeping his voice down, knowing it’s a sensitive subject. “There were some bigots at the wedding. Don’t need to talk about it now, but I’m sure they heard their fair share. And it’s not as if they could even acknowledge it.”

“Well…they’re here now. And they seem good. Niall will talk about it when he’s ready. You know how he is.” Louis shakes his head and looks down. “You each have your own way, you know? Zayn and H always need to chat with each other when something happens, like some kind of information download. Z only comes to me after he talks to you and Harry. That’s always been true. You always need Zayn nearby to keep you calm. And you always come to me when it’s something important happening, but you’ve already made up your mind, made your pro and con lists and logic your way through it. And Niall needs to process things on his own, decide how he feels about things. Then he’ll tell you where he’s at when he’s ready. Shawn seems the type to need to talk about it out loud to decide how he feels. That’s good. Means he and Niall can both balance each other that way, yeah?”

“God, Lou. You’re such a dad.” Liam cuffs him on the shoulder with a smirk.

“Well…not quite yet.” Louis glances over at Harry and loses his train of thought, staring at his husband like he’s the entire world. Liam follows his gaze and gets lost in a love all his own, watching Zayn brighten the room with his quiet light.

“Lou, how busy are you next weekend?” Liam asks after a moment.

“I’m a very busy man, Payno. But I could probably squeeze something in. What d’you need?” Louis turns his attention back to Liam, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze.

Liam leans in to mumble in his ear, “Remember that jeweller I told you about?”

“Fucking KNEW it.” Louis half shouts, while Liam shushes him with absolutely no success. “Couldn’t even wait a full day. Of course not. I should’ve known.”

“Louis, I wanted Zayn to be able to tell everyone when he was ready.” He mumbles again, very aware that the surprise is likely ruined.

“Knew what? Have Zayn tell us what?” Niall’s hearing works incredibly well for someone who five seconds ago had his mouth glued to his boyfriend’s.

Liam sighs and looks up to the ceiling for a moment before turning to Zayn with a soft smile. “Come here, babe.” He holds his arms open and waits for Zayn to join him again, Harry trailing behind this time. When Zayn gets close enough, Liam takes him by the waist and lifts him, spinning him around and making him laugh, hands steady on Liam’s shoulders. When Liam lets him down again Zayn grabs him by the back of the neck and kisses him with a smile. 

“Well, go on then. Seems it’s time.” Liam tilts his head towards their friends, waiting for Zayn to share their news, still holding each other close. The other four are waiting, for once all focused on the same thing.

“We’re uh…we’re getting a dog!” Is what Zayn finally says, smirking at the groan that Liam lets out beside him, followed by a “here we go.”

“Try again.” Louis says from a few feet away, arms crossed with H hugging him from behind and his head on Lou’s shoulder.

“I’m starting to suspect I might be half Pakistani.” That earns a suppressed chuckle from Liam and a quick kiss to his neck.

“I’ll make sure to tell your dad next time I see him.” Harry says from behind Louis. He’s always the first to enable Zayn (unless Louis’ involved, then it’s all downhill).

“We’re in love and we’re living together in sin.” Zayn can barely keep his own giggle in check and lets out a soft “ouch” when Liam pinches his waist.

“Already knew that one. Next.” Niall calls from the sofa, causing a “Shh, Niall” from Shawn.

“Thank you for being here for this special moment.” Zayn pauses and takes a deep breath. “We just wanted to let you all know that Liam and I are both raging bisexuals and we understand if you need some time to process this information.”

“If you don’t get to the point I will revoke your Clifford visitation rights.” Louis doesn’t look like he’s kidding either.

“You’re right. What we really needed to tell you is that we had sex last night and Liam is an incredible bottom.” Zayn laughs proudly when Niall and Louis gag in sync, Harry says “nice”, and Shawn laughs into Niall’s shoulder.

“Oh my GOD, Zayn.” Liam groans, exasperated, before saying. “We’re getting married. We’re engaged. Affianced. Betrothed. There. That’s all you had to say.”

“But where’s the fun in that?” Zayn bites Liam’s bottom lip gently before kissing him softly, mischief lighting up his eyes. He plays innocent incredibly well for one so full of chaos.

They vaguely hear a groan from Niall and a cackle from Louis followed by, “Deal’s a deal. Make that phone call, Horan.”

“Happy for you and all, but couldn’t have waited even a week?” Niall moves to get his phone out of his pocket, but Liam stops him saying, “Hang on. Louis cheated. He’s known for months. So whatever you owe him, I say he forfeits.”

“You’ve known for months? Didn’t tell me.” Harry’s pouting at Louis now, not used to Louis keeping anything from him.

“Weren’t my secret to tell, Harold.” Louis kisses away his pout before turning his attention back to Liam and Zayn. “You might have told me about the proposal plans, but Zayn’s the one who gave it away years ago. Honestly I’ve kept this secret remarkably well for both of you.”

“What did you tell Louis?” Liam asks at the same time that Zayn says, “I didn’t tell you anything. What are you on about?”

“Didn’t have to say anything, mate. Dead obvious. You snog anyone nearby when you’re pissed, including my dear husband here, occasionally myself, and a few times even Niall. But not Liam. Never Liam. Been that way since we were teens. You think I wouldn’t notice that?” Louis’ giving him one of his looks, all mischief and wisdom wrapped into one. “Wouldn’t snog Payno because it would’ve meant something. He’s always meant something more to you. No use denying it, especially now.”

“Could never deny Liam. Would never.” Zayn is searching Liam’s face now, making sure he knows, even if Louis was just teasing. “He’s the only thing I know for sure. I trust him. All the way down.” They feel Liam’s hand moving soothingly in small circles on their lower back. Zayn is lost in Liam’s eyes, secure in the warmth he finds there, unable to focus on anything except the places their bodies are touching and the depth of love in those eyes. Those warm brown eyes that he knows will hold him close, embers burning low and steady and safe. His hearth.

“I know, Z. I’ve always known. I’m right here.” Liam sees the cloud move from in front of Zayn’s eyes before he nods and gently takes Liam’s chin in his hand, bringing their mouths together for a kiss. And even though they’ve kissed hundreds of times by now and maybe the magic should have dimmed a bit, Liam feels as filled with life as he did two days ago. The way Zayn’s lips speak promise into their kiss has him captivated, forgetting there’s anyone else around. He feels the moment in slow motion, every inch of their lips meeting and falling away again it’s own eternity. Zayn’s mouth is warm and soft and perfect, and it’s like kissing Zayn is what Liam was always meant to do. He knows his own self a little more because this is his purpose, to love Zayn and let himself be loved in return. What a beautiful life.

When their lips separate Zayn moves his hand to Liam’s neck and brings their foreheads together, keeping their eyes closed and their noses touching. “Love you forever, Liam.” Zayn whispers between them, Liam interpreting the words more with his lips than his ears. He whispers back, “For always. I promise,” before he kisses Zayn again, feeling the way Zayn understands him in the breath between their lips. When Liam finally opens his eyes he sees Zayn staring back, eyes clear and glowing. With love, with hope, with light. Always with light. Liam feels himself falling, weightless, safe in Zayn’s arms.

They return to their surroundings when they hear, “Fucking hell.” mumbled from the direction of their friends. They slowly turn their heads to see all four of them staring, looking like they’ve been smacked. None of them say anything for a minute until Harry clears his throat to ask, “What was that?”

“What was what?” Zayn asks, still wrapped around Liam.

“That. You two just…left.” Niall still looks like he’s seen a ghost, his eyes travelling back and forth between the two of them.

“We’re literally right here.” Liam half turns out of their embrace, keeping Zayn close but facing their friends now.

“You don’t see it because it’s you…what the fuck.” Harry looks to Louis to help him explain.

“Whatever we just saw, that was like watching your souls meet. Is that what you’re like together?” Louis seems more confused than anything. He’s never seen either of them like this before.

“Yes?” Zayn glances at Liam, also confused now. “The way we are…eludes language. We’ve said that to each other the past few days.” Liam kisses Zayn’s forehead in agreement.

“All I know is I could write a hundred songs and never be able to explain that. What you two have…” Shawn whistles quietly. “I’m so happy for you two.”

“What the hell took so long. I didn’t know you had that.” Louis gestures vaguely between them. “I knew you were fucking gone for each other but this…this is some special shit, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I do.” Liam looks at Zayn again, kissing him briefly before adding, “Worth the wait. Worth all of it. Zayn’s my person. Always has been, always will be.”

“Catch me.” Zayn says while already jumping, knowing that Liam always will. He wraps his legs around Liam’s waist and his arms around his shoulders, holding him as close as he possibly can. Liam hugs him tightly, hiding his face in Zayn’s neck.

“Someone get a picture of that. Disgustingly cute and all.” Niall says from the sofa. Zayn flips him off behind Liam’s back without needing to look over.

“Already done.” H is always the first to remember to take pictures. And thank god for that or the five of them wouldn’t have any photos together after the age of about 16.

“So…how long until the wedding?” Harry asks, looking through the pictures he took while showing them to Louis, breaking the tension when everyone laughs softly at his question.

“Right now if we could.” Zayn smiles wide. “But probably a few months. We’re not in a rush, but we also don’t really see any reason to wait.” Liam lets him down to the ground slowly and presses a kiss to his temple.

“You’ve done your waiting. Twelve years of it. In Azkaban.” Niall quotes in a perfect Gary Oldman impression, making every single person in the room groan and roll their eyes. Shawn kisses the side of his mouth and mutters, “such a nerd, Ni.”

“And on that note, I think maybe we add champagne to gay brunch.” Harry starts walking back to the kitchen, everyone else following behind.

***

Louis: the children have gathered for gay brunch

Louis: /selfie of all 6 of them taken by Shawn/

Anne: Aw look at my babies

Yaser: You all look so happy

Yaser: I’m glad you all made time for this while everyone is together

Louis: of course 

Louis: Your kid had to go and get engaged, didn’t they?

Karen: Aren’t they just ridiculous

Karen: Perfect for each other. You should have seen them this weekend.

Louis: I’m seeing them right now

Louis: Ridiculous is an understatement

Louis: /picture H took of Z in Liam’s arms/

Louis: So happy for them

Geoff: Karen save that one I want it on the gallery wall

Maura: How are my kid and his boy doing?

Louis: they’re alright

Louis: Liam said the wedding was a bit rough

Karen: It was. You know how some of our relatives are.

Geoff: My relatives. Unfortunately.

Maura: I know he’ll call when he wants to talk about it

Maura: Give them both my love

Louis: I’ll go point Cliff in their direction

Bobby: Pass along our love to all the rest. Tell them we say hello.

Des: Yes, tell them to call their parents

Louis: Did all the dads show up at once?

Louis: hello dads, welcome. your kids are alright

Mark: I guess that’s my cue to say hello

Mark: Can’t talk now, but send my love

Mark:  Liam and Zayn look so happy

Karen: They are. So incredibly happy. I’ve been crying all weekend.

Geoff: I can confirm that the Paynes have been a weeping mess for days. But good tears.

Yaser: We’ve been planning this wedding for 20 years. Incredible it’s finally happening.

Maura: Our kids are all settled. Or getting there. It’s what we always wanted.

Yaser: I just want them to be happy.

Louis: They are. I can tell you that for certain. Your kids are all so happy right now.

Louis: I’m glad we have this chat so I can tell you that when they forget.

Louis: We’re kids. We forget to reach out sometimes.

Louis: But all of your kids love you so much. And they’re doing well.

Anne: Have Harry call me later?

Louis: Course

Anne: How are you doing, love?

Louis: Doing alright

Louis: these lot keep me busy and on my toes

Louis: then there’s my siblings to love on as well

Louis: Always hard this time of year, but I’m doing alright

Louis: Harry loves me through the sad days. Wouldn’t know what to do without him.

Yaser: You know you have all of us, Louis?

Yaser: We each have a piece of Jay in us. And there is so much of her in you.

Anne: Yes, absolutely. 

Anne: This is me sending a mom hug

Karen: Me too. Mom hug.

Maura: Me three.

Geoff: I do not qualify as a mom, but here’s a Geoff hug.

Mark: She would be so proud of you, Louis.

Mark: You are your mother’s son, in the best ways. 

Louis: Thank you. Always.

Louis: It’s so hard without her

Louis: So lucky to have all of you

Anne: You’re my son too, Louis. I love you just the same as my other kids.

Maura: And you take such good care of the other 4. Well, 5 now with Shawn.

Yaser: That’s why you’re already an honorary parent. Always looking out for our kids.

Yaser: So let us look out for you sometimes too

Louis: Alright alright

Louis: Appreciate all the love

Louis: Have to get back to these idiots

Louis: I’ll send more pictures later after they all go home

Louis: Oh and we’re all getting together for Halloween so mark you calendars

Louis: Lots of love

***

“I’m still catching up on all of you. Can I ask a few more questions?” Shawn asks from his spot on Niall’s right, all six of them comfortably seated around a game of scrabble.

“Ask away, Shawn. We’re a lot to take in.” Liam smiles at Shawn while placing an arguably game changing triple word score as if it’s nothing. Zayn smiles and whispers in his ear, “Big words will get you everywhere, babe,” kissing him in that spot behind his ear that’s just for Zayn.

“Well, first I have to know. What is with all the ABBA?” Shawn points at the record player in the corner, currently playing Honey, Honey. “Absolutely love ABBA but it does seem a bit pedestrian for this group.”

“Mom and dad are the only ones who keep up the tradition.” Niall points a finger between Harry and Louis. “But it started with our parents.”

“Keep it up Neil, and no dessert.” Louis flips Niall the bird while staring at the board, trying to find a way for him and Harry to overtake Zayn and Liam’s score.

“You can’t take away dessert. I made his favourite.” H nudges Louis and moves a few of their pieces into a new word in front of them.

“We are exceptional at explanations. Truly. It’s a wonder Shawn has questions.” Zayn can’t help the sarcasm when they get like this. Liam squeezes his knee before actually answering Shawn’s question.

“Our parents met on their honeymoons. Niall told you that much, right?” Liam waits for Shawn to nod before continuing. “Well apparently there was some themed night at their resort while they were there and they all had to dress up as ABBA, and etc. So ever since, at all family events, it’s all ABBA all the time. Even on the holidays.”

“And it’s good music. Great, even.” Harry answers while placing their tiles on the board. They haven’t caught up to Zayn and Liam, but the gap has closed significantly. “It’s tradition. And it’s important to have those.”

“Absolutely. Agreed. And that’s great. I love that you five have so much history. It really grounds you, and now me by extension.” Shawn and Niall are failing miserably at this game, but they’re spending most of their time sneaking kisses and soft touches and whatever else they can, so it’s not a total loss. Niall places an s at the end of “it”, earning basically nothing except a kiss from Shawn.

“You have another question? I think you said questions, plural.” Liam says while considering the next move, pointing out a few options to Zayn.

“Turn it off, Payne. You’re not in class.” Louis reaches across both Harry and Zayn to flick Liam’s ear.

“Oi. He’s a brilliant teacher. Leave him be.” Zayn reaches across Harry now to push Louis’ shoulder. 

“Children, honestly.” H leans in between them and holds up the plate of cucumber sandwiches, knowing they’re all easily distracted by food. “Don’t let the bickering distract you. If we did, none of us would ever complete a thought.”

“It’s true. I’m sure you’ll join in eventually, sweetheart. It’s practically a skill the way we get at it.” Niall kisses Shawn’s temple and puts a hand on his back. “Go ahead. What else?”

“Well, you called this brunch-”

“Gay brunch.” All five of them answer in unison.

“Right. Gay brunch.” Shawn smiles wide. “It’s 6:30 pm now. I think brunch time has passed. Not that I’m complaining! I love this. Like so grateful to be included in your group.” Shawn pauses a moment before continuing. “Just wondering why we call it brunch when we’re about ready for dinner.”

“Gay brunch is more of a vibe than a meal.” Zayn answers while preparing to place a game ending loquacious on the board.

“Brunch is a meal. Gay brunch is just…us.” Liam smirks watching Zayn destroy any hope of the others catching up to their score.

“Sometimes occurs around brunch time. Usually just an all day event.” Harry adds. “And it always ends with those two destroying us at Scrabble.”

Louis scoffs and knocks over the remaining letters in front of him and Harry. “Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. I’ve been studying! Reading up on strategy. And for what?”

“For us to win by a slightly smaller margin than usual, it would seem.” Liam grabs Zayn and kisses him, ignoring the wolf whistle from Harry and the annoyed “oi, not in front of Clifford” from Louis. Now that kissing Zayn is an option, why would he ever stop?

“You know…I was thinking…” Zayn whispers for only Liam to hear, his lips soft against Liam’s cheek, “We need to head home…I want you alone…Now.” Zayn slides a hand onto the inside of Liam’s thigh while kissing his neck, feeling Liam tense and catch his breath.

“Um, right.” Liam stops Zayn’s hand from pushing further up his thigh and feels Zayn laugh softly into his neck. “Time to call an end to gay brunch I think. Zayn and I are really tired from the weekend. Been really busy, got engaged, cried a lot. So tired. And we have to work tomorrow-” Liam coughs as Zayn slides their free hand under his waistband from behind. “Work tomorrow. Bright and early. Can’t be late, got an early meeting with the department.”

“Shut it, James. You’re not subtle.” Louis and Harry have almost finished putting away the Scrabble board, tucking it away until next time with the rest of their collection.

“You know, I think Liam’s right. Been a long weekend. Shawn,” Niall turns to face Shawn, staring at his lips. “Didn’t you say you have to be in the studio early tomorrow?”

“Oh yeah, super early. I booked it for the whole day, starting at like 6am.” Shawn stands up, taking Niall with him. “Guess we should be going too.”

“You four are absolutely unbelievable. Horny little miscreants.” Louis sounds like an exasperated dad. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“Please. As if you and H aren’t about to fuck each other ten ways to Sunday as soon as we leave.” Zayn says while gathering their things, holding open Liam’s coat for him to slide into.

“Wait! Dinner’s in the freezer. You can heat it up later after you’ve…well. You know. You’ll need it.” Harry walks to the kitchen, pulling out four pre-portioned meals, two left behind for himself and Louis. “Vegetarian for you two. Vegan for Shawn. Niall, yours has chicken. Oh, and don’t forget dessert!” Harry hands each of them a slice of banoffee pie from the fridge, each individual slice with their initials in chocolate across the top.

“So. You knew this would happen and planned ahead?” Liam asks, taking his from Harry with a grateful smile.

“No, I knew this would happen and gently suggested it.” Louis says, stepping out of a hug with Niall and moving to hug Shawn. “Shawn, I know you’ll be gone for a week or two, but come see us again before you leave. Niall, make sure he does.”

“Course. And he’ll be back in a few weeks…” Niall gets distracted when Shawn laces their fingers together and kisses the side of his head. “My boy’s busy, but he always makes time for what’s important.”

“That was adorable.” Harry comments from where he’s just finished hugging Zayn and Liam. “Going soft on us, Niall?”

“I’m a complicated man, H. Lots of layers.” Niall takes a breath but before he can continue Louis cuts in.

“No. I’m putting my foot down. No Shrek impressions in front of the new boyfriend. He still needs to find you attractive a while longer.” Louis finishes hugging Liam and Zayn and gives them a slight shove towards the door.

“Right. Off you pop. Liam, I’ll call you tomorrow.” Louis winks in his direction, Liam smiling wide and nodding, one hand on Zayn’s back, guiding him away from Clifford who’s getting his goodbye pets from Uncle Z.

“Love you! Text us when you get home safe, please.” Harry waves goodbye to them all as they leave the flat. Louis hugs Harry from behind while they watch their friends head home.

“So…dessert first tonight?” Louis asks once the door is closed and locked.

“Obviously.” Harry answers, pulling Louis by the hand towards their bedroom, just as in love and insatiable as the new couples they just sent on their way. “I think I’m in the mood for pie…”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 13

As soon as the door to their flat closes behind them Zayn is in Liam’s arms, legs wrapped around Liam’s waist, kissing him hard and repeating “I love you I love you I love you I love you” over and over again. Multitasking has always been a special skill for Z. Liam locks the door with one hand, the other holding Zayn so he doesn’t fall. Zayn has one hand in Liam’s hair, the other holding him tight around the shoulders. Liam manages to remove both of their coats and hang them up next to the door, kicking off his own shoes and laughing when he hears Zayn’s clatter to the floor behind him.

“Bedroom?” Liam breathes out between kisses.

“Obviously. Now.” Zayn keeps kissing Liam while being carried through the flat. It’s a miracle they manage to make it the whole way there without running into anything. They even make it through the doorway without a bump. Liam gently lays Zayn down on the bed and crawls up to meet him by the pillows. “What do you want, Z? What’s the plan?”

“Sonnet 17.” Zayn says while pulling Liam’s body flat on top of him and untucking Liam’s shirt from his trousers.

“You want…” Liam waits for Zayn to say it. He doesn’t want to be the one deciding their pace right now, since he’s fine with literally anything and everything Zayn could want to do.

“Yes, Liam. I want you to fuck me.” Zayn stops kissing Liam so they can actually talk for a moment. “I want your dick inside of me, and maybe a few other things too. You okay with that? Like is that something you want too?”

“Yes. Definitely. Beyond excited. But don’t feel like you have to be ready just because I am. It’s okay if you want to wait or even if you decide you never want that.” Liam stares into Zayn’s eyes, making sure he’s listening, hearing that Liam will never ask or expect him to do a single thing he’s not comfortable with.

“I want it. I want you, Liam. I want to be with you in that way. In every way. Fuck, sometimes it’s all I can think about. Especially now that we’ve spent time together sexually. It’s so much more than just sex.” Zayn kisses Liam again, but briefly, a hand running through Liam’s hair while he talks. “I’m ready. I promise. I trust you enough to tell you if my boundaries are being pushed. And if I change my mind I will tell you.”

“I trust you too. Obviously. I trust you with my life, with my body, with all of me. And I’m happy you feel that way too.” Liam kisses Zayn again before standing up from the bed. Zayn makes grabby hands and whines, “Nooooo, where are you going? Snog me.”

“In a minute. Let me go clean up and then you can have the bathroom.” Liam leans down and gives Zayn another kiss, lingering until he feels Zayn try to take advantage by pulling on his shoulders again which makes him laugh. “Three minutes, Z.”

“Fine. But I’m going to pout the entire time.” Zayn crosses his arms and watches Liam leave the room.

“I would expect nothing less, babe.” Liam winks as he rounds the corner and closes the bathroom door behind him. Zayn reaches over to his side of the bed and grabs a notebook, determined to make use of his three minutes.

***

Liam walks back into the bedroom, now in his dressing gown, and sees Zayn naked and perched on the edge of the bed. He stops in the doorway and smiles, “Think I could get used to this. You’re so fucking beautiful, Zayn.”

Zayn points to a folded piece of paper on Liam’s bedside table. “That’s for you. Didn’t have time to hide it.” He stands up and walks to Liam to kiss him in the doorway. “Ten minutes. And I love you.”

“Love you too.” Liam holds Zayn’s face in his hands. “Take your time. No rush. I’m so happy to finally be alone together. Really alone.”

“Yeah, alright. Now go read.” Zayn kisses Liam one last time before walking into the bathroom to do his own prep.

Liam wanders slowly to his side of the bed and sits down, taking the paper in hand and breathing deep before unfolding it, reading the short note in the light from the lamp. 

“Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in the mirror.

But you are eternity and you are the mirror.”

Two lines. Two phrases. Zayn has completely undone him again, and all it took was 18 words, perfectly chosen and delicately written. Liam feels himself crying, his vision blurry, his throat starting to ache, and his nose sniffling. How does Zayn always manage to do this? He only had about two minutes to pick this and write it down. He must’ve had it memorised, though Liam has no idea where it’s from. He’s so fucking smart, and so completely full of love. No one loves like Zayn does. He sees Liam, knows him so well, better than he knows himself. And he treats Liam like he’s the most important person to have ever existed. “You are eternity and you are the mirror.” How the fuck is Liam ever supposed to live up to that?

After a minute or two of letting himself process, Liam shakes his head and sets the note carefully next to the one from this morning inside his leather journal. He’ll have to get something just for these notes soon. They’re too sacred to lose or damage. He only has a few more minutes while Zayn gets himself ready, so he refocuses and starts improving the atmosphere in the room. It won’t always be like this, with time to make it extra cosy and warm and pretty, but Liam always wants this to feel special for Zayn. Because it is special. Their time together, sharing their love physically and emotionally, it will always be more precious to Liam than he could ever replicate with a few candles or anything else. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try.

Eventually he’s found Zayn’s favourite candle (handmade, small batch, soy candles from a shop in Shoreditch), and he adds an unscented candle as well, both on Zayn’s side of the bed so they’re out of the way of their reach into Liam’s drawer. He sprays his cologne on both of their pillows before fluffing them, knowing Zayn loves anything that smells like him. Liam has his own playlist, just like Zayn’s, so he connects it to the speaker with the volume on low and smiles when he hears Edinburgh start playing. He turns off one of the lamps, but keeps the nearest one on for now so he and Zayn can see and talk through their options together once he’s ready. With the mood sufficiently set, Liam removes his dressing gown and hangs it on the back of the wardrobe door, climbing into the bed and waiting for Zayn.

When Zayn comes back to the bedroom he laughs and covers his face for a moment before walking over to join Liam in the bed. “You made it all pretty again.” Zayn says, kissing Liam before sliding across him and onto his own side of the bed (for now). Once he’s settled he reaches a hand out to trace Liam’s face. “Were you crying, Li?”

“Of course I was crying. Two sentences and I was a blubbering mess. How do you always do that?” Liam takes Zayn’s hand in his and kisses his palm. “You love deeper than anyone. And you know exactly what I need to hear.”

“I just love you so much, Liam. More than I could ever explain. But I’ll keep trying.” Zayn leans forward to kiss Liam softly and move their bodies closer together. “Kiss me? Please? I love the way you kiss. It feels important. Your lips and your body tell me what I need to hear.”

Liam gently moves his hands to Zayn’s back and brings him closer, kissing him slowly. They’re in no rush, and now they’re completely alone in their own home. Zayn moves himself to be more on top of Liam, keeping their kissing slow and gentle. He lets his hands move through Liam’s hair and down his neck, feeling Liam’s hands firm on his back, keeping him close. He feels so happy, so safe in Liam’s arms and in their home. Zayn smiles and sighs, breaking their kiss for the moment, but keeping his eyes closed and their heads together. “I really love you, you know that?”

“Yeah. I really love you too.” Liam hugs Zayn tightly, relaxing again when Zayn moves his face to Liam’s neck and kisses his shoulder before hiding his face there.

“Can you just hold me for a minute? I want time to take in all of this. First time in our flat and all that.” Zayn’s voice is a little muffled from where he’s still tucked into Liam’s shoulder. He breathes in deeply, smelling Liam all around him, Liam’s cologne in the air, the scent of his shampoo present this close to where Zayn’s laying. Underneath it all is just Liam, that comfortable, warm smell that means home. Everything about Liam is warmth, his eyes, his smile, his voice, his laugh, and his physical warmth too. He’s like a little space heater that Zayn gets to snuggle. Zayn does just that while he’s thinking about it, getting comfortable on top of Liam with their legs all tangled together and their arms around each other. He feels Liam relax underneath him the longer they lay like this, like being still together calms him down. “I like that we can be quiet together.”

Liam hums and snuggles his face into Zayn’s neck too. “I think I forget how much we need this. Just to be together, holding each other. I think it recenters me, keeps me tethered. I guess that’ll be our thing.” Liam moves his hands over Zayn’s back, smiling when they make a happy little noise and nuzzle into Liam’s neck again and mumbling, “Your hands make me feel safe. You treat me like I’m made of glass, so soft and careful.”

“You are important, Zayn. You’re everything.” Liam keeps tracing his hands along Zayn’s back while they cuddle, the world around them still and quiet, the music in the background fading away from their attention. They’re breathing in sync and if they really listen they can hear their heartbeats. Liam’s never heard anything more beautiful than that sound, solid proof that Zayn is alive and well and safe. He holds Zayn tight for a moment, thinking about how he can never take that for granted, not for a single second. To know that Zayn is okay and beyond that, that he is happy and loved, that’s enough for Liam. And he feels so honoured to be the one who gets to love Zayn like this, to love each other their whole lives, equals in all things. 

“You’re tense again. What are you thinking about?” Zayn picks his head up so he can look at Liam, bringing a hand to cradle his cheek. Liam looks deep in thought, his eyes still burning with love, but with a more concentrated light.

“Eternity. And the mirror.” Liam answers, leaning forward to kiss Zayn again, soft and unhurried. After sitting in stillness for so long, this kiss feels like eternity. Liam’s lips are gentle and warm, and Zayn thinks he can feel each individual hair along his face where they meet. He can taste Liam, taste the mint from his toothpaste mixing with the cinnamon from Zayn’s, and he can taste himself as well, a reminder of the history their bodies have shared. When they kiss like this it removes them from time, folding the past into the future and meeting at the present where their lips are still connected and their bodies fit together.

They both deepen the kiss at the same time, moving differently now, their breathing speeding up, their kissing messier, the sounds they’re making breaking the silence from before. But the connection they established hasn’t gone anywhere, they’re just colliding in a new way, one that feels both familiar and exciting. Zayn rolls them over and pulls Liam on top of him, loving the weight of Liam’s body pressed against his own. He wraps one leg around Liam to pull him closer, smiling when Liam readjusts to fit himself between Zayn’s legs. Being the same height definitely has some advantages.

Liam doesn’t know how long they’ve been snogging, doesn’t care to be honest. He could happily die like this, in bed with Zayn, snuggled together, kissing like they’re reciting their vows. But he feels Zayn’s movements change, his hands holding tighter, moving them forward. “We still need to talk about some things, Z.” Liam doesn’t move off of Zayn, just pauses where he is.

“Okay but hold me while we talk.” Zayn shifts Liam more to his side so they’re facing each other again but still connected, one of their hands playing with Liam’s hair.

“Do you want to see the options? I just want you to know what they are. We don’t have to use any of it and we can leave that for later if you’re not ready for that.” Liam hasn’t moved, just gauging Zayn’s reaction, relieved when he sees a bit of mischief show up behind their eyes and a smile take over their face.

“Thought you’d never ask. Show and tell time, babe.” Zayn kisses Liam before sitting up, pulling Liam with him and taking one of his hands. “And when we have time I want to go shopping together so we can pick out some things just for us.”

“I would love that.” Liam kisses Zayn’s forehead before turning around and opening his bedside table. “So there is actually more than this, but this is what I keep handy. I think it’s more than enough to start with.” Zayn has his chin on Liam’s shoulder, arms wrapped around Liam’s waist. “Where do you want me to start?”

“Can we take it all out and lay it on the bed? I want to see and feel all of it before deciding, please and thank you.” Zayn is already eager and Liam’s only just picked up the lube options to start. He might be a little excited to have some fun. It takes Liam another minute to take everything out of the drawer and lay it out next to them, slowed down by Zayn holding him tight like a koala. “Show me?” Zayn kisses Liam’s neck and looks at what’s laid out.

“I already put away all of the things that are made for people with vaginas, as neither of us can use those. But if you’re curious and just want to know what I have I’ll show you some other time.” Liam starts pointing things out while he talks. “Lube options, again only kept the anal lubes. Binned the rest as they were on their way to being expired anyway since it’s been a year. I don’t really care for the flavoured ones, but I have a few if you want them.”

“I hate the flavoured ones. I want things to taste like what they are, and those are so artificial. We can just toss them, but later.” Zayn reaches over and picks up the one he’s familiar with, which they used last night. “This has always been the one I like so let’s just stick with this for now. Glad to see you don’t have any of the numbing stuff.”

“Nope. That can get dangerous and I don’t like to mess with it.” Liam puts the rest of the lube options back in the drawer for now, letting Zayn hold onto the one he picked. “How long since you bottomed? It’ll help me know where to start with these.” Liam points out the different sets of plugs he laid out.

“About two years, I think? But I have my own dildos and plugs too for when I feel like having some fun.” Zayn picks up the anal beads and hands them back to Liam. “Not for tonight, but definitely want to use them another time…Unless you want to use them tonight?”

“I’d rather just focus on you tonight, give my ass a break.” Liam laughs and sets them back in their spot. “Oh I also didn’t get out anything for nipple play. But it’s in the storage box with the other more advanced stuff if you want it.”

“Not tonight. It’s not really my thing, but I know you’re very into it, babe.” Zayn smiles and kisses Liam briefly. “Don’t forget this is about you too.”

“You’ll have to keep reminding me. All I can think about right now is you and what you want. If you’re happy I’ll be happy.” Liam shrugs his shoulders and puts a hand on Zayn’s knee. He feels Zayn’s hand under his chin, turning his head to look at them.

“This is about both of us, Liam. Always. I’m so grateful that you want me to be happy, but I want you to be happy too. That’s non-negotiable. This is about more than sex. We’re partners, remember?” Zayn has Liam’s face in his palm, rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone. Liam doesn’t answer for a minute and looks down where his hand is gently moving along Zayn’s thigh just above his knee.

“I’m not used to making myself a priority…” Liam looks up again to see Zayn already staring back.

“I know, Liam. But you have gotten better about that, and I want you to know I see that. And maybe don’t try to fight me too much when I want to make something about you, too.” Zayn moves them so they’re facing each other properly again. “We both make each other so happy, so let’s go all in on that. Give ourselves away a bit and know we deserve to be taken care of sometimes. Both of us.” Liam nods and Zayn brings him into a hug, holding him close until Liam’s shoulders relax again as he breathes into the hug. He really does hold too much on these shoulders, Zayn thinks as he lets his arms drop to take both of Liam’s hands in his own.

“How about this: why don’t you choose at least one thing tonight that you want me to do for you, and then we can finish going through this lot and decide what else we want to do. Together. Deal?” Zayn sees Liam hesitate and stop himself from answering. “What is it? I promise I won’t judge you and if it’s something I’m not comfortable doing I will tell you.”

Liam leans forward and kisses Zayn before walking to his wardrobe to get out a large green box. He walks back to the bed with it and sets it between them. “Well this is the rest of it. What else do you want me to put away from what we already have out?” Zayn looks it over, hands over the three dildos that were out and one of the sets of plugs, keeping out just the lube and the pink glass plug set. He’s not sure if they’re needed, but just in case.

“Okay, show me what’s in the box, if you want.” Zayn puts a soothing hand on Liam’s back and kisses the side of his forehead.

“To be clear, I’m not ashamed of any of this or anything like that. These are just the things that we’ll use less often and some of them we aren’t ready for yet.” Liam is playing with Zayn’s hand but looking in his eyes. He opens the box with his free hand and turns it so he and Zayn can look inside together. “Right well those are vaginal  vibrators and dildos, so they’re just here for storage.” Liam moves them more to the side and out of the way. “This bag has a few cock rings in it. Never really been my thing but I have them if you want to play with them.” Zayn tilts his head but doesn’t interrupt. He wants Liam to keep sharing. “A few different types of restraints. I personally prefer the wrist cuffs over the ropes, but again I have both. Nipple clamps in this small box. I have a few different types. Don’t have any spreader bars, but if you wanted to try something like that we could go shopping.”

“No whips or paddles? I’m actually surprised. I know you have a bit of a pain kink. Not as much as Louis and Harry but it’s there.” Zayn hasn’t moved to touch anything in the box yet since he wasn’t given permission and Liam still seems a bit tense. “Is that something you haven’t been able to really explore yet? Would you like to?”

“Yes.” Liam answers immediately and flushes at how quickly the answer fell out. “Sorry, I mean yes I want to explore more of that. And no I haven’t really had the chance yet….And I wasn’t really sure if that was something we were ready to talk about. I know that your history will impact how we talk about and explore those options and I don’t want to trigger you. Obviously.”

Zayn takes Liam’s hands and feels they’re trembling alarmingly. And when he looks in Liam’s eyes he sees they’re wide with anxiety. “Liam, sweetheart, it’s alright. I’m glad you told me. Why are you so scared right now? Talk to me.” Liam stares back at him, mouth open, seemingly unable to answer. His anxiety is so high it’s choking him, cutting off his words and bringing tears to his eyes. Zayn can feel his shallow breathing and waits for whatever Liam needs to say that’s clearly terrifying him.

“Zayn, I can’t…I don’t want to hurt you.” Liam takes his hands back to cover his eyes and falls forward onto Zayn’s chest, his whole body shaking. He means more than just at this moment and Zayn can tell he’s been holding in that sentence for quite a while. Zayn holds him close, one hand on the back of his head, the other rubbing up and down his spine. “It’s okay, Liam. It’s alright. Deep breaths.” Zayn keeps Liam on his chest while he cries, rocking him gently and kissing the top of his head. Liam is curled into himself, his arms tucked in front of him, letting Zayn’s arms hold him together. He is so worried about hurting Zayn, the anxiety of it flaring up in moments like this, even after years of learning to manage it. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. But he feels so safe in Zayn’s arms, so he focuses on calming his breathing and grounding himself, feeling Zayn’s warm chest against his face, hearing Zayn’s soothing words, and breathing him in. The combination of Zayn’s warmth and his familiarity will always be what Liam needs to calm his anxiety. It takes a few minutes but eventually Liam unfolds himself and puts his arms around Zayn, returning the hug and letting out a deep sigh.

“Can we talk about it, Li? I’m okay to talk about it if you are.” Zayn keeps Liam in the hug and feels him nod against his shoulder. “Right, I’ll start this time. How long have you been feeling this way?”

“Since we were 16.” Liam mumbles it into Zayn’s shoulder before sitting up and wiping the back of his hand under his eyes. “Terrified of hurting you. Physically, emotionally, in any way.”

“You’ve never hurt me Liam. Not once in 29 years of knowing each other.” Zayn moves up on the bed to put his back against the headboard and pulls Liam with him by the hand. They settle in seated side by side, the box at the end of the bed forgotten for now. Zayn hands Liam a flannel to wipe his nose while he sniffles and continues to calm down.

“But I could. I know how strong I am. What if I’m not careful? What if I push something too far?” Liam’s speaking normally now, his voice even if a bit strained. He has Zayn’s left hand in his right and he links their ankles together. He feels better just being able to talk about this with Zayn. Zayn understands his anxiety and knows how to get him to the other side of it, together.

“That could happen. But I trust you and you have never been anything except gentle with me. I’ve only ever felt safe and loved with you.” Zayn lays his head on Liam’s shoulder. “Why do you think talking about pain play brought all this to the front of your mind all at once?”

“Well, the obvious reasons I think. Whether you would be giving or receiving pain, it could be a trigger for you…but I also think it’s because it feels selfish.” Liam takes a deep breath before continuing. “It’s something I want but it could hurt you. And nothing is worth that. I wouldn’t trade your safety for anything.”

“Liam, I need you to hear something. And I don’t mean listen to me say it, I mean hear what I’m telling you and believe me when you do.” Zayn waits for Liam to look at him before continuing, squeezing his hand to get his attention. “I trust you. And if you trust me and my judgement, you should trust yourself with me too. I know what it’s like to be hurt and broken and in pain. I know the type of person who would do that. And Liam. You are the furthest thing from that. You are kind and gentle and empathetic and brave. You would never be capable of hurting someone you love. And you love me more than I can even understand. You have been taking care of me longer than you even knew why. You look out for my safety and my happiness instinctually, and no one ever had to teach you how. And I love you for that, and for everything else. But I need you to trust me and I need you to trust yourself. We are imperfect people in an imperfect world. We will argue and we will disagree and we will test each other. But we will never hurt each other. Of that I am as sure as I can be about anything. I trust our love and I trust us. And I’m asking that you trust us too.”

Liam doesn’t answer for a minute, just stares at Zayn and processes what he heard, like Zayn asked. He lets the feeling of Zayn’s hand in his and the love in his eyes focus him on the meaning behind Zayn’s words. He trusts Zayn implicitly, with no hesitation, no qualifications or conditions. “I hadn’t thought about it that way.” Liam finally says, still deep in thought. “Of course I trust you. I trust you more than anyone or anything. And if you trust me, then logically I should trust me too…that helps. A lot actually.”

“You're the most incredible man I will ever know, Liam. Loving you is a gift because you are a gift. I could never have dreamt up a better partner or person. I meant it when I said I want to experience life with you. And part of that life is sex, at least it is for us.” Zayn puts his other hand on Liam’s chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath his palm, and happy to feel his breathing relatively calm. “I want to have fun and make love and fuck and snog and make a mess and clean it up. There are going to be things that I like better and things that you like better. We have different bodies and that’s a beautiful thing. It means I get to learn how to love you through sex and intimacy, and you get to do the same. We have the remarkable opportunity to let each other feel seen and valued and safe and loved with our bodies and our minds. Because they are not separate things. I love you because I know you and I know you because I love you.”

“Zayn…write that down. Please. I want to remember that. I want to add it to my collection.” Liam reaches across Zayn to grab one of his notebooks and a pen from his bedside table and hands them to Zayn who takes them with a smile.

“Cuddle me while I write and then I have another thing I want to say.” Zayn opens the notebook to a new page and does as Liam asked, carefully tearing the page and folding it once he’s done. “These words are just for you, Liam. They’re from the heart, written or otherwise.”

Liam takes the paper from Zayn, reads it through a few times, then takes his leather journal from his bedside table and tucks it inside. He leans back into Zayn with a sigh. “I love you so much, Zayn. And thank you. You hear the anxiety that holds me down and you know how to make it shut up…Did you say there was something else?”

“Well two things actually. First, I am more than happy to explore pain play with you. I’ve had time to think about this, just like you have, and I think it will be okay. Great, actually because it will be as much about trust as it is about pleasure.” Zayn pauses to gauge Liam’s expression, which is one of surprise. “But what I also think we should do is see a sex therapist. Just for this, but if there’s anything else you’re worried about we could add that. They're the right person to give us advice on how to keep it safe and healthy for both of us.”

“Fuck Zayn. That’s brilliant. I hadn’t even thought of that.” Liam brings his free hand up to his forehead and rubs his fingers across his brow. “We both see our therapists on a regular basis, but I hadn’t thought to ask for a consult for this specifically. I am so fucking happy that you are my person, Z. That is like exactly what I need to feel safe trying that sometime in the future…I think my anxiety stopped me from seeing that option.”

“Thought you might like that idea.” Zayn turns Liam’s face to him. “Can I kiss you?” Liam smiles in response and leans forward to bring their lips together. They both relax and feel some of the tension leave their bodies as they refocus on their connection. They find so much comfort in expressing their love, as if each moment their lips are together is fulfilling their most natural purpose in this life. Zayn plays with Liam’s hair while they kiss for a minute or so, Liam tracing circles on Zayn’s back with his fingertips. They’re both comforting each other layer by layer without needing to think about it.

“Did you mention there was another thing you wanted to say?” Liam asks when they pause to breathe. “I’m sorry if we keep getting off track. The things you need to say are important.”

Zayn removes a hand from Liam’s hair and points to the box still at the bottom of the bed. “May I?” 

“Of course. But I appreciate you asking.” Liam kisses him once more before letting him crawl to the end of the bed where the box still lays open. Zayn looks inside for a few seconds before pulling out a strip of soft black cotton and closing the lid.

“Is this why you got the box out?” Zayn asks while crawling back up to Liam, blindfold in hand.

“Yeah, it was actually. How did you know?” Liam takes the blindfold from Zayn and brings Zayn to kneel between his legs, facing him.

“‘We are trying this horizontal and blindfolded when we get home’ I think was how you phrased it?” Zayn says before giving Liam another kiss and sitting back on his heels. “If that’s what you want, I am more than okay with that. I would love to tease you and kiss you and adore you as much as you’re comfortable with.”

“Yeah?” Liam smiles and reaches out a hand to Zayn, wanting him to come closer. Zayn takes his hand and shifts to straddle Liam’s legs instead, sitting on his thighs and putting his hands in Liam’s hair.

“Yeah…I could spend hours focusing on you. Your body is insane, Liam. I could lick every single inch of you.” Zayn’s eyes are golden in the lamplight while he massages Liam’s head with his delicate fingers. “I would kiss every muscle, mark every spot with my lips, watch you lose every trace of stress left in your body while I love you out loud.” Liam has his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open, the combination of Zayn’s hands and their words both soothing and intoxicating. He lets Zayn kiss him, hands still in his hair, dropping the weight of the world off of Liam’s shoulders in the way only he knows how.

“I picked something for me. Now I need to know what you want, Zayn. Specifics.” Liam pulls Zayn’s chest onto his own, hands applying soft pressure to Zayn’s back, and eventually holding him at the waist when Zayn settles there, keeping their bodies connected. “I want you to tell me what you want. Whatever you want. I meant it when I said making you happy makes me happy.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, so it’s pretty specific…” Zayn brushes Liam’s hair off his face and tucks a strand behind his ear. “I don’t want it to sound like I’m giving you an itemised list or something.”

“I love lists. Instructions. Guidelines. The sexiest thing you could do would be to tell me, in detail, exactly what you want and in what order and what position and how fast and anything else I should know. I want the list. Last night when you were talking through what you had planned for me?” Liam lets his head fall back for a moment while remembering how he felt. “I think one of these days you could make me finish just with your words. But the follow through was incredible. I like when you engage my mind. And I think you need that too.”

“Can I have your hands?” Zayn waits for Liam to hold them both out for him, a question in his eyes. “Close your eyes for me. I won’t do anything without your full consent, just trust me for a moment.”

“I trust you, Zayn.” Liam closes his eyes and Zayn moves Liam’s hands to rest relaxed on top of his head, elbows out and chest as open as it can be.

“Don’t move. Keep your hands there, and breathe deeply. Listen to the music for a minute.” Zayn kisses Liam’s forehead and feels like he could die happy with the expression on Liam’s face. He looks so relaxed already, which was the goal. Zayn carefully moves away from Liam, back towards the end of the bed. Quietly, he steps off the bed, picking up the box and walking it back over to where it came from in the wardrobe, leaving just the blindfold near Liam’s side and the lube and plugs Zayn had left out from earlier still on the bed. Zayn glances back at Liam and sees him still blissed out at the head of the bed, calm and happy. He blows him a kiss even though he can’t see it. Tiptoeing, Zayn walks into the kitchen and gets two glasses down from the cabinet. As quietly as he can, he fills one with water and the other with ice, wincing when the ice clinks against the glass momentarily.

Zayn walks back into the bedroom, setting both glasses on Liam’s bedside table and tucking his left leg underneath him to sit on the edge of the bed. Cautiously, he lays his hand on Liam’s chest, just above his heart, not wanting to startle him. Liam smiles with his eyes still closed and drops his right hand to cover Zayn’s, holding it in place. “I missed you.” Liam mumbles, rubbing his thumb across Zayn’s hand.

“How are you feeling?” Zayn watches Liam slowly open his eyes and turn his face to them, smile widening as he focuses on Zayn.

“Come here?” Liam helps Zayn crawl up into the bed again, settling Zayn beside him and pulling them both down to lay face to face. He tucks a piece of Zayn’s hair behind their ear to say, “I feel so light, Z. Didn’t even know how much that’s been weighing me down. I think I was so used to carrying that fear that I felt its weight as part of me. But now it’s so much lighter.”

Zayn nods and kisses Liam between the eyes. “Remember how I said I needed to have that breakdown at the wedding before we could move forward? Well I think this was the one you needed to have. Both of us acknowledging our fears so we can work through them together. Partners.” Zayn smiles wide every time he says that word, still not used to being able to say it so casually about Liam.

“I’m glad you asked. Don’t think I would’ve brought it up otherwise.” Liam wraps a leg around Zayn and moves them closer. “You still want to have sex tonight?”

“Absolutely. But only if you do.” Zayn has a hand on Liam’s diaphragm, feeling his chest rise and fall as they cuddle. He loves how comfortable they are, how their intimacy comes from a place of knowing and loving and appreciating each other.

“Oh I do. Believe me, I am very ready. More now than I was before even. Thanks to you.” Liam leans forward to give Zayn a brief kiss before adding, “And I would like my list now. Please and thank you.”

“Yeah? Alright, give me a second.” Zayn kisses Liam on the chest before shuffling to the end of the bed to retrieve what was left there and setting it beside them. “Sit up for me.” Liam lifts himself up and sits with his back against the headboard again and waits, knowing Zayn is about to straddle his lap. It’s a comfortable position for both of them. Liam likes having Zayn be in control, and he’s never going to complain about having Zayn on top of him.

“Tell me if you’re uncomfortable or if I mention anything you’re hesitant about.” Zayn seats himself casually on Liam’s lap and waits for him to nod before continuing. “And I love you.”

“Love you too, Zayn. So much.” Liam smiles when Zayn kisses him softly, wrapping his arms around Liam’s neck and shoulders. They’re not in a rush, so they kiss slowly for a few minutes until Zayn moves his hands to Liam’s chest to gently put some space between them. “More snogging is first on the list. I’m obsessed with it. Your lips, Liam. You’ve no idea.” Zayn stares at Liam’s mouth while talking, so naturally Liam bites his bottom lip and smirks, making Zayn kiss him again, but just once this time.

“What comes next, then?” Liam mumbles, their lips still mostly connected. 

“I want you to open me up.” Zayn takes Liam’s hands and puts them on his back, wanting his warm hands on him, always. “But not just that. I know I’ll be tight so I want to be on my hands and knees with you behind me. I want to feel you behind me, Liam, know you’re there. I want your other hand on my back, your lips kissing my spine and anything else they can reach.” He’s whispering directly into Liam’s ear now, knowing he likes it when Zayn is quiet and gentle. “I want you to take your time, use your mouth if you want but you don’t have to. I want to be begging to be opened wider because you’re going so slow…And that’s when I want you to use Sonnet 17. While your hands are busy I want your voice to soothe and calm me. Keep me focused and in the moment.”

“That sounds so…intimate. I would love that. I want to take my time. I want this to be calm and relaxed. And I agree that on your knees is probably going to be the most comfortable for you.” Liam already feels himself getting worked up just thinking about it, taking his time with Zayn, feeling his body changing beneath him while he slowly gets him ready for more. “How will you tell me if you want me to stop or slow down?”

“I think I can just move away from that position, to be honest. And of course I can use my words. But I know we need to decide ahead of time. I promise I will keep telling you how I’m feeling, physically and otherwise. Deal?” Zayn stares at Liam, making sure that will work for him as well.

“I love your voice, Zayn. I always want to hear what you like, what you don’t like, what you’re thinking. But if I’m worried or think you’re drifting away, I will stop anyway, even if you don’t tell me to.” 

“Thank you….No really, I mean that.” Zayn kisses Liam and stares at him hard. “Thank you for being so aware and so careful with me. I’m not fragile but I’m not great at recognizing when I’m pushing things too far or too fast.”

“You’re getting so much better at it though. Even since the library you’ve started to be more vocal and more aware of your own limits with me.” Liam temporarily takes a hand off Zayn’s back to put it in his hair. “What’s next on the list? Unless that’s where you want to stop tonight.”

“No. I want you to fuck me. Tonight. Please. I haven’t stopped wanting it again since we were 17 and I think we’re both ready. So I really don’t want to wait any longer.” Zayn moves his body restlessly on top of Liam, as if his thoughts are immediately translating into his hips. Liam grabs him by the waist to hold him steady and kisses him before saying, “You can keep doing that, but I still need to know the rest of what you want, babe.”

“After I’m open I think I’ll need a break to calm down. So I want you to use one of those pretty pink plugs to keep me open. You can choose the size. I trust you.” Zayn hasn’t stopped grinding down on Liam now that he knows he can, and he’s kissing Liam everywhere he can reach. His neck, his face, behind his ear.

“Bought those for you. A while ago. Just thought you’d like them. And I had a feeling you prefer glass.” Liam kisses Zayn’s neck now, loving how they can have some fun while they talk. He won’t be bored a moment of his life with Zayn as his partner.

“Fuck. You know me so well, Liam. Yes, I love them. And I love that you knew I would.” Zayn kisses Liam again, tongue pressing into the roof of his mouth like he knows Liam likes. Liam moans into the kiss and pulls Zayn closer, letting Zayn move his ass on top of his dick. “I want to blindfold you and take my time exploring your body. I’ll try not to leave too many marks above the collarbones since you have work, but if you want, I’d like to mark up your torso and maybe your back too, wherever you’re okay with. I could kiss every inch of your body and still be hungry for more.”

“Yes, please, every single inch of skin you can find. And I don’t even care if the marks are visible. I’m not ashamed of this or us or any of it.” Liam guides Zayn’s mouth to his neck while he talks, waiting for him to start on a love bite. When he does, Liam tilts his head to the opposite side, relaxing into it and focusing on the feeling of Zayn’s lips and his tongue and that sound he’s making, as if Liam’s skin is coated in honey and he can’t get enough.

Zayn kisses Liam’s neck one last time, seeing a significant bruise at the base of Liam’s neck. “I brought some ice to use. I know we aren’t ready for pain play, but it’s sensation which is something. And if you’d like, I’d use it while I explore you. While you’re blindfolded. Do you want that?”

“That’s brilliant. Yes, I love temperature play. And that’s by far the easiest to clean up.” Liam laughs softly. “I sound like such a mum. Obviously if we make a mess it’s fine. And yes, please use ice or whatever else you’d like, just ask me first if you want to try anything else since I’ll be blindfolded.”

“Of course. I won’t do anything without making sure you want it first.” Zayn is completely still while waiting for Liam to respond. He needs to make sure Liam hears that. Trusting Zayn is one thing, but he needs Liam to know that trust won’t be misplaced.

“I know. You always check in with me. Last night was incredible, Z.” Liam rubs his hands up and down Zayn’s back for a few seconds, hoping to relax them again. “I have no concerns about being blindfolded with you. And I can always remove it if I need to.”

“How will you tell me if you want me to stop or slow down this time?” Zayn still isn’t moving, wanting to focus on this before he gets Liam worked up again.

“I’ll use my words. And like I said, I can remove the blindfold or move you off of me. If you do want to hold my hands down that’s fine. I’ll still be able to tell you, and I know you’ll keep checking on me.” Liam keeps running his hands across Zayn’s back while they’re talking, smiling when he finally feels Zayn relax again and shift his weight to be able to move himself around on top of Liam again.

“You can decide how long I tease you, blindfold or not. And once you’re done with that, I want you to fuck me. I want you to lay me down on my back and kiss me into the bed while you remove the plug, and I want you to use your fingers again one more time, just to make sure I’m ready. And because I love your hands.” Zayn reaches behind himself to move Liam’s hands to his ass, wanting Liam to hold him and move him while they keep talking. “I want your mouth on mine as much as possible when you’re inside me, and I want your body on me. Our chests moving together. I want us to be as connected as we can the entire time. I want to move with every muscle in your body, know when you’re getting close. And I want you to come inside me. I want to feel you letting go, I want to hear it and taste it.” Zayn pauses again, this time to kiss Liam again, both of them breathing deeply and pushing their bodies closer together. “I probably won’t come when you do, so I want you to use your delicate hands and take some of your come where it’s leaking out of me and bring it up to my lips. I want to lick it off, and then I want you to kiss me while you get me off with your dirty hand. Something about having your come all over my dick is just incredibly hot to me. Fuck.” Zayn lets his head drop back for a moment while thinking about it, refocusing to finish telling Liam what he wants. “And when I do come in your hand I want you to clean me up, and then I want to taste it on you. I want you to kiss me and cuddle me and tell me you love me and hold me close… And then I suppose we should shower and clean up and eat dinner so we don’t pass out.”

Liam waits a moment before responding, giving Zayn the chance to add anything he forgot, but Zayn seems quite ready to be done talking at least for now. “Just tell me when, Z. That all sounds amazing. You are amazing. I can’t wait to share all of that with you.” Zayn shifts himself away from Liam momentarily and picks up the lube, putting it in Liam’s hand.

“Now. Right the fuck now, Liam. Please.” Zayn lays himself down on the bed and pulls Liam on top of him. “I want you to kiss me, my leg behind your back while you start lubing me up. Then move me to my knees in a minute.”

“I love you telling me what to do.” Liam does exactly as requested, laying his body on top of Zayn and running his right hand down the outside of Zayn’s thigh while kissing him. Once his hand reaches Zayn’s knee he gently guides it around his own back, straddling Zayn’s other thigh so he has access to Zayn’s ass but their bodies are completely connected. “I’m going to get you warmed up, just use my fingers on the outside and stretch you a bit from there first. You ready?”

Zayn takes the lube back from Liam and pushes the pump down three times onto Liam’s fingers before dropping it back on the bed beside them. “Beyond ready.” He pushes his hips up into Liam, one hand on the back of Liam’s neck to kiss him deeply. Liam warms the lube in his fingers for a moment before carefully guiding his hand between Zayn’s legs. The moment his fingertips meet Zayn’s ass there’s an immediate shift, Zayn moaning into his mouth and pulling Liam even closer with every available limb, his leg behind Liam holding on like he’s about to fall and both of Zayn’s hands pressing into Liam’s skin as if they could reach beneath it. Liam instinctually removes his hand again, just in case, because that was a drastic change.

“Liam, put it back.” Zayn opens his eyes so Liam can see what’s there: love and excitement and not a trace of fear. “Good tension. Incredible. I want your hand, please. I’m more than okay.” Zayn reaches down and guides Liam’s hand back down, maintaining eye contact as he does. “My body is reacting but not in a bad way, I promise.” Liam’s shoulders relax again and he kisses Zayn before starting to circle his fingertips. Zayn is still reacting dramatically, holding onto Liam like a lifeline, but Liam trusts Zayn and trusts what he just said, so he doesn’t stop this time. Gradually, Zayn adjusts to the sensation and he relaxes into Liam again, his body moving more naturally with Liam’s. Thank god for that because there’s no way Liam was going to move any further with Zayn carrying that much tension, even if he had asked.

“Still feeling alright, Z?” Liam removes his hand again, but this time because he needs it to move their position if Zayn is ready. 

“I feel like I’m breathing for the first time again. It’s like a new barrier is removed every time we take another step, and it feels incredible.” Zayn is truly calm again, an easy smile on his face while he traces Liam’s mouth with his fingertips. “Once I adjust I can just relax and enjoy it. Just takes me a moment because it means so much more with you. I trust you so completely, Liam. I’m not in pain or uncomfortable, just overwhelmed. Like yesterday morning.”

“I think your body is ready for me to open you up, but are you?” Liam has his clean hand in Zayn’s hair, gently massaging his scalp and loving the way Zayn closes his eyes and smiles when he does. “I am so in love with you, Zayn. Just so undeniably, completely gone for you.” Liam can’t help but tell him again, because this connection they have is the most important thing Liam will ever know, and he needs Zayn to hear that as often as possible.

Zayn hums happily and lets Liam play with his hair for a few more moments before responding. “I think I’m too happy to tell you properly how mutual it is.” Zayn opens his eyes again and leans forward to kiss Liam sweetly, drawn in by his perfect pink lips and his beautiful smile, before flopping back against the pillows. “But if I was good at words right now you would understand that how I feel about you is closer to the meaning of life than it is to romantic love. What we have is so fucking special, Liam. I know a lot of people fall in love, but not everyone shares light the way we do. You breathe life into every moment. And that’s the most honest way I can explain it right now.”

“Fuck, Zayn. Not good with words? I’ll be hearing that in my dreams for the rest of my life.” Liam lays himself down beside Zayn for a moment, Zayn’s hand reaching over to rest on his chest and follow his breathing. He starts drawing circles on Liam’s torso with his fingertips again, already a favourite habit. 

“I really am ready, Liam. And I want to hear that sonnet. You take words we love and make them mean so much more when you speak them for me.” Zayn sits up again and guides Liam’s shoulders to sit up as well.

“Keep telling me how you’re feeling, if you can.” Liam has his hands on Zayn’s hips now, slowly rotating him to face the headboard before placing a gentle hand on his back to put him on all fours. “I trust you when you say you’re ready, but I need to know that the whole time, not just at the beginning.” Liam places a gentle kiss to the base of Zayn’s spine and drifts his free hand down Zayn’s back at the same time. He picks up the lube to add more to his hand, keeping himself in contact with Zayn the whole time, letting him know he’s behind him just like Zayn asked. He brings his right hand and rests the palm against Zayn’s tailbone, not wanting to startle him with any sudden contact. “Ready for me to start, love?”

Zayn rests his head on the pillow in front of him saying, “Very ready, Liam. Take your time. Make me beg for more.” And with that he widens his hips, quite literally opening himself up in front of him. Liam brings his body up to cover Zayn’s back while he moves his hand further down, his fingertips making contact with Zayn’s ass once more, but Zayn’s reaction is much calmer this time, pushing his hips back into Liam’s hand and letting his head drop. Liam kisses the back of Zayn’s neck while circling his fingertips, applying a bit of pressure now.

“I do not love you as if you were a salt rose,” Liam starts reciting the sonnet as requested, whispering it in the space just behind Zayn’s ear, Zayn groaning and pushing his hips back again in response. When he does Liam lets his middle finger push inside of him, his free hand on Zayn’s stomach holding him steady. 

“More. That’s not enough, Liam.” Zayn tries to push himself further onto Liam’s finger, but that’s not how any of this works. Liam shushes him softly and rubs his chest to calm him down. Zayn can be impatient but Liam knows exactly how to keep him grounded, soft kisses to his neck and his chest warm on Zayn’s back.

“Or topaz or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.” Slowly, so slowly Zayn feels like he can count each millisecond, Liam lets the rest of his finger push inside until it’s all the way in. Zayn clenches around him before relaxing again, letting out a deep breath and temporarily bringing a hand up from underneath him to squeeze Liam’s where it’s resting on his stomach.

“I’m good. Keep going.” Zayn glances back over his shoulder and gets a fleeting kiss from Liam who starts carefully moving his finger in and out of Zayn’s ass, getting a feel for how tight he is. Liam can tell it’s been a while for Zayn, making a mental note to go incredibly slow, even if Zayn is impatient. He kisses Zayn’s back while he gradually moves his finger a bit faster, occasionally testing where Zayn’s at with a slight angle. When he does, Zayn groans and pushes back into him, eager for more.

“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, ” Liam circles his finger now, testing to see if it’s time for another. As if reading his mind Zayn turns his head again to say, “More Liam. Please. I am not above begging. You go any slower and I might cry.” Liam chuckles warmly and gives Zayn another kiss, keeping their lips connected as he does what Zayn wants, adding his index finger and swallowing the moan Zayn lets out. “Yes. God yes, Liam. Keep going.”

Liam takes his time pushing both fingers all the way in. “in secret, between the shadow and the soul.” Zayn’s body relaxes quicker this time, unclenching after only a few seconds, and Liam’s fingers move easily in and out, helped along by the way Zayn’s moving their hips. “I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.” Zayn lays his face onto the pillow again, arching his back and forcing an angle. Liam understands why when, as he moves his fingers all the way in again, Zayn’s whole body shivers and he knows Zayn is showing him where he’s most sensitive. He makes another mental note but eases off, using his left hand to guide Zayn back upright for now. Slow and steady, patient and calm.

“Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. ” Liam moves his free hand to massage the inside of Zayn’s thighs, first the left and then the right, not wanting his hips to seize up while he takes his time. Zayn hums in appreciation, “You take such good care of me, babe. So gentle.” They’re still moving steadily, Zayn fully relaxed and wishing for more, but understanding why Liam is taking his time. Another minute passes of Liam guiding Zayn’s body to open up and Zayn turning his head for a kiss every so often, otherwise just enjoying the sensation and having Liam so completely surrounding him. “One more, Li. I’m so ready. You’ve been perfect.”

Liam moves his left hand back to Zayn’s stomach, holding him steady and removing his fingers for a moment. He reaches for the lube and adds more, this time directly to Zayn’s ass, then a bit more to his fingers again. Rubbing it in, he sets the bottle aside and kisses the middle of Zayn’s back, leaving a trail down his spine until his mouth meets his hand. He moves himself back to where he was before, making sure he’s as connected to Zayn as possible before patiently guiding three of his fingers inside of Zayn. He rubs his hand on Zayn’s chest, reminding him to breathe. “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.” Zayn turns around for another kiss, which Liam gives him gladly, not yet moving his fingers, just letting his fingertips rest inside for a few moments until Zayn adjusts. Zayn kisses him deeper and as he does Liam feels his body relax. It’s beautiful how kissing Liam seems to relax Zayn in a way nothing else does, both physically and emotionally. He lets his fingers slide further naturally and watches Zayn’s face change, letting out a tiny gasp when his eyes drift closed and his head drops down. Liam kisses his shoulder and starts moving his fingers again. “I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; So I love you because I know no other way than this.”

“I love you so much, Liam. So completely.” Zayn moves himself down to where he wants to be, head resting on the pillow and back arched. “Feels so natural with you. So easy.” Liam doesn’t pull him back up this time because he can feel that this is where Zayn is most comfortable right now. So he kisses one of Zayn’s bum cheeks where it’s pushed near his face, Zayn letting out a sigh, any remaining tension leaving his body. Liam keeps sliding his fingers in and out, Zayn taking advantage of his leverage to push back against him a bit and guiding Liam how he wants to be fingered open. Liam moves his left hand to Zayn’s back for a minute, occasionally running his fingers through Zayn’s hair, loving every single inch of Zayn’s body as best he can.

“Where I do not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand.” Liam matches his movements to what he’s saying now, laying his hand back on Zayn’s chest and tapping a pattern above his heart in time with the movement of his fingers in and out of Zayn. Zayn has never had anyone make this feel like its own special moment before, but little things like that, connecting the different parts of his body and his mind, it reminds him how tethered they are. He feels so honoured to be in this moment, to be loved by Liam, in a way that consumes him and sets him free.

Liam knows that Zayn is ready, can feel that his body has opened up as much as it’s able to right now. So he reaches for the middle pink plug, judging it to be the best for Zayn to use for the next short while. “So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.” Liam whispers the last line just as he removes his fingers again, this time to add lube to the plug before laying a hand on Zayn’s shoulder.

“You’re open now, babe. Can I turn you around?” Liam waits for Zayn to nod before grabbing him around the waist with his left arm and gently rotating him to lay on his back. Zayn takes a moment to appreciate Liam from this angle, concentrating on taking care of Zayn and glowing in the candlelight. “Kiss me again while you put it in?” Zayn reaches out his hands and takes Liam’s face in both of them, feeling his stubble beneath his palms and bringing them together for another kiss.

“Open your legs for a sec, Z. Unless you don’t want this anymore.” Liam watches a flicker of amusement cross Zayn’s eyes before he opens his legs wide and takes Liam’s hand that’s holding the plug, pushing it down where he wants it.

“I want it, Liam.” He says, letting go of Liam’s wrist to let him take care of it. He feels the tip move past the edge and glide in easily. Zayn can tell Liam picked the right size, big enough to keep him open but not so big he’ll be thinking about it while he turns his attention to Liam. “Kiss me for another minute, then it’s your turn. And that was wonderful. Even better than I anticipated.”

Liam reaches over to his bedside table for a hand towel while kissing Zayn again, wiping his hand clean before running it through Zayn’s hair. Zayn has both of his arms around Liam, turning them over so that he can lay on top now, still kissing like it’s the only thing they’ll ever need.

“Do you know,” Liam stares up at Zayn with adoration, “When you kiss me your whole body relaxes. It’s incredible. To feel you trust me so tangibly. Us together, this feels sacred." Zayn smiles wide before kissing Liam again, one hand on his chest and the other taking one of Liam’s own to hold tight.

“You are my proof that life has purpose.” Zayn brings Liam's hand to his mouth to give it a kiss. “That loving you with all of me can change the whole fucking world. So yes, this is sacred. If I believed in a god, you would be proof enough of their existence.”

Liam isn’t sure how to answer that, so he gathers Zayn in his arms and pulls him into his chest, wrapping themselves in the quiet. Sex might be an active endeavour, but these moments of stillness, of existence without condition, these are what bring them closer to the heart of it all. They can feel each other’s hearts beating, their chests rising and falling as they breathe life into another moment together. There’s no words in any language that they’ll ever find to explain this level of comfort. And so they don’t say anything while they listen to each other, their quiet its own melody that they’re memorising to recite again when the world is too loud around them.

The background song changes and it brings them back to the now. “Always think of you when I hear this.” Zayn mumbles as Love Like This plays softly. He toys with Liam’s hair while laying on his chest, twirling it around in his fingertips like it’s spun gold, soft and curly and Liam.

“Me too.” Liam answers, humming along through the chorus. He brings Zayn’s face up so their eyes can meet with a finger under his chin.“You said once that I was your reason. Well you were mine too. Still are. I wouldn’t be who I am without loving you.” He’s running his hands across Zayn’s back now, staring up at him with tears in his eyes, a bit overwhelmed by where they are. Somehow it’s only been about two days together, and it’s still new enough that he feels fragile.

“Can I love on you for a bit now? Let you fall apart beneath me while I hold you together?” Zayn runs a hand down Liam’s chest, stopping at his stomach. He looks into Liam’s eyes and waits for an answer. Liam reaches over to the bedside table again and picks up the blindfold they had set aside earlier, handing it to Zayn. “I trust you.”

Zayn takes the fabric from Liam with a soft kiss that he smiles into. “I’m going to talk you through all of it. Tell you how loved you are. How absolutely adored. You wonderful, beautiful man.” Zayn reaches across to pick up an ice cube from the glass on the table before straddling Liam’s hips again. “Just want to check your normal reaction to this before we add the blindfold. That alright?”

“That’s perfect.” Liam closes his eyes as Zayn puts one hand in his hair while leaning down to kiss him. Zayn is sufficiently distracting so he forgets the purpose of the exercise and his whole body shivers when he feels the cold ice drift across his chest, his back arching as Zayn moves it down his stomach before taking it away again with a small giggle into Liam’s lips.

“That was quite the reaction.” Zayn drops the ice back in the glass and uses his hand to warm the places it had just been, rubbing soothing circles into Liam’s skin before picking up the blindfold again. “I think I have the information I need. You want me to put this on or would you rather do it yourself?”

“You. I want you in charge here. I hesitate to say something like ‘use my body’ but sort of?” Liam puts his arms above his head now, leaving himself wide open for Zayn. Zayn has his hands on Liam’s chest, waiting patiently for him to explain what he means. “I trust you so completely, Zayn. And it feels really good, like on a mental and emotional level, for me to give over that control to you. I’m not necessarily talking about a dom/sub thing, but I suppose that is part of it…I just feel like I am so consciously in control and aware a majority of the time, and I want to give some of that up to you.”

“Like you want to let go? Just follow your trust and let me take care of you?” Zayn tilts his head slightly while looking down at Liam.

“I think that’s what we both want?” Liam puts his hands on Zayn’s legs now, sliding them up and down his thighs as he talks. “It’s balance, yeah? You had so little control in your life for so long and I had maybe a bit too much. So letting you take care of me, I think it’s what we both want. What we need, even.”

“I think you’ve just put into words why we’re so compatible sexually….wow.” Zayn takes Liam’s hands and puts them back above his head before rubbing his chest soothingly. “That mind of yours. Fuck, Liam. You know how much that turns me on.”

“I know it’s not all the time. I want to take care of you too. Obviously.” Liam breathes deeply as Zayn keeps using his hands to remove any tension he finds there. “But I think this trust we have, it lets us both be vulnerable in ways we can’t be, even on our own. Because we know each other so well.”

“Can I kiss you now? Amongst other things? Sometimes words aren’t enough.” Zayn holds up the blindfold again, Liam nodding and settling himself onto the pillow. Gently, Zayn lifts Liam’s head in his hand and lays the fabric across his eyes, tying it behind his head before guiding him to lay back again. “Is that comfortable? Too tight?”

“It’s perfect. I love your hands, Zayn. Your touch is always so considered. I feel special when your hands are on me.” Liam still has his arms above his head, his posture relaxed and open, waiting for Zayn to have fun.

“Now that you can’t see, are there any limits you want to add? Anywhere you don’t want me to touch or anything you want to be off limits?” Zayn hasn’t moved from his spot on Liam’s lap, but he’s aching to take Liam apart, inch by inch, absolutely shower him with love and adoration. His hands are restless, so he takes one of Liam’s hands to fidget with, bringing it to rest in both of his own and letting his fingertips caress his open palm.

“Nothing that’s off limits, but just warn me if you want to blow me or give me a hand job. I’m completely fine with that, but I just want to know it’s going to happen. Ass play is fine, no warnings needed, but keep it external.” Liam feels Zayn shift and stop himself a breath away from his face, letting Liam move the last inch to bring their mouths together. Even without his sight, Liam knows where Zayn is. He feels their presence all around him and he has never felt more at peace. “I love you.” He whispers, knowing Zayn is smiling that gorgeous smile that he’s so in love with.

“I love you more than anything. I’m going to start having some fun now. Stop me the moment you’re uncomfortable, even if you just need a break.” Zayn kisses Liam behind his ear in that hidden spot he loves before moving to his neck. He takes both of Liam’s hands in his now, holding them crossed on the pillow above his head. Kissing his way down Liam’s neck he stops and leaves a long, lingering kiss on Liam’s birthmark. “Have I ever told you how much I love your birthmark? I do, Liam. I really do. It’s uniquely you, and I think that’s why.” Zayn moves up to give Liam a kiss on the mouth again, pulling Liam’s hands to hold his back.

“I love kissing you like this. Makes me focus more on everything else. I love your lips, the perfect way they smile that I can feel even when I can’t see it.” Liam holds Zayn close and wraps a leg around him. Zayn moves one of his hands down to trail along the thigh that Liam’s moved, letting his fingertips tickle at Liam’s skin with how gentle they’re gliding. When he reaches Liam’s bum he flattens his hand to move Liam’s hips into him before flipping them over, pulling Liam on top of him.

“Touch me, Liam. I want you to know me in the dark. Recognize every inch of me by touch alone.” Zayn takes Liam’s hands and brings them to his own face, wanting Liam to start there. “Tell me what you feel, Liam.”

“I feel your beautiful hair, soft and smooth in my fingers.” Liam runs a hand through Zayn’s hair before tucking a bit behind his ear. “And these are your adorable little ears.” Liam leans forward to whisper, “I love that I get to tell you all my secrets and let you know me for better or for worse.” Zayn tilts Liam’s chin to kiss him before letting him continue. “And these are your beautiful golden eyes.” Liam is gently brushing his fingertips over Zayn’s eyebrows, just barely glancing over his eyelashes at the same time. “I could find my way no matter how lost I feel if I could see myself in your eyes.” Liam moves both of his hands to Zayn’s cheeks now, one index finger gently booping Zayn’s nose. “And here’s your cute little nose. I would know that nose anywhere. I think by now I’ve memorised the way it feels against my own when we kiss, but I’m always happy to have a reminder.” Liam leans forward, waiting for Zayn to bring their mouths together again. Zayn giggles quietly before doing just that, taking his time to separate afterwards, rubbing their noses together and making Liam scrunch his and laugh. “And now I get to appreciate your mouth. Those soft, perfect lips of yours that I could die kissing.” Liam uses the fingertips of his right hand to trace Zayn’s mouth, feeling his smile grow as he does.

“Zayn- ” Liam laughs and drops his head forward with a smile. “Your hands are very distracting.”

“I was counting on it.” Zayn squeezes Liam’s bum in both hands one more time before moving his hands up to Liam’s back. “Okay, as you were.” He leans forward to give Liam another brief kiss before laying back again. Liam’s right hand trails across Zayn’s collarbone now and a smile warms his face. “And these are your shoulders. I love your collarbones. It may be a strange thing to love, but I always picture kissing them when they peak out of your shirts. Used to drive me mad every time you wore that old batman tee.”

“Still have it. Guess I can add it back into the rotation.” Zayn runs his hands down the backs of Liam’s legs and watches him bite his lip in response. “And I started wearing that when we were like 16.” Liam shifts his weight so he can move his hands to Zayn’s chest without holding him down.

“Bold of you to assume I haven’t been completely in love with you even longer than that, babe.” Liam smiles again and Zayn knows it reaches his eyes even if he can’t see them. “It used to be my shirt before it was yours, or don’t you remember?” Liam’s hands are tracing Zayn’s shoulders and making their way down their arms now.

“Why do you think I used to wear it so often?” Zayn stops Liam’s hands with his own, releasing them again after only a moment. “Kiss me. I think you can find your way.” And he does, taking Zayn’s face back in his hands carefully and bringing their lips together again. They both forget what they were doing for a minute as they sink back into each other, so immediately comfortable. Zayn’s hands are all over Liam, and he’s aware of it in a way he wouldn’t be if he was distracted by Zayn’s appearance. His fingertips are more gentle, his patterns more intentional, the way he moves his body beneath Liam able to be felt with every hint of skin that’s touching, as if they’re connected more with their energy than with their bodies (though the way their bodies are moving together has never been more natural).

“I’ve memorised your upper body pretty well I think. Can I learn the rest of you tomorrow? I sort of want it to be my turn if that’s alright. Your hands are all I can think about right now.” Liam rolls himself off of Zayn to lay on his back again, reaching for Zayn’s waist to pull him close. He doesn’t want to be away from Zayn for a single moment right now. He feels a gentle tug under the blindfold that lifts it off his eyes. Liam blinks them open to find Zayn staring back at him, and he feels that tether between them tighten as their gaze lingers, neither of them looking away.

“Just missed your eyes. And I wanted to check in again. This still what you want? I know it can be more intense when you can’t see.” Zayn caresses Liam’s chin while he asks, scratching gently at the stubble he finds there.

“I’m great. You’re beautiful even with my eyes closed.” Liam gently reaches up and pulls the blindfold over his eyes again. “My turn.” He says it with a pout, knowing Zayn is smirking as he leans in to kiss his pout away.

“I would say keep your pants on, but that ship sailed about an hour ago.” Zayn smiles again when Liam giggles beneath him. “I want you to focus on your other senses, listen to the music, feel your body reacting where I touch you, take every single part of tonight and let it wash over you. So I’m not going to talk unless something’s wrong or I decide to do one of the things you asked for a warning beforehand. But you make whatever noise you want or need, and of course I’ll stop immediately if you want. Just want to make sure that’s alright because I know you need verbal cues.” Zayn has so far kept his hands in Liam’s, stroking his forearm while he waits for confirmation. He’s sitting just beside Liam, perched on the balls of his feet.

“Sounds perfect. If I need to hear you I’ll tell you…and maybe whisper in my ear from time to time just because it reminds me you’re still with me so I don’t worry.” Liam pulls Zayn’s left hand up to his mouth to give it a brief kiss before taking two of Zayn’s fingers into his mouth and sucking on them. Zayn laughs but lets Liam have fun for a moment before taking his hand back.

“Naughty. But you can be naughty as often as you want. I’m not about to stop you.” He rests his fingertips back on Liam’s lips while using his other hand to trail down Liam’s chest, resting briefly on his stomach when Liam licks his fingers again. Zayn traces the outline of Liam’s lips, watching his tongue chase them, and he feels Liam getting worked up by the way his abs are contracting beneath his open palm. Before he lets Liam catch his fingers he brings his right hand lower and trails it all the way along his body and across his inner thigh, finally letting Liam have what he wants when he reaches that sensitive spot between his dick and his ass, one that he knows Liam is especially fond of. Zayn draws tiny circles with just the pad of his middle finger, matching the pattern that Liam is making with his tongue, and loving the way it makes Liam moan around his fingers…until he suddenly stops, letting Zayn’s fingers out of his mouth. He freezes for a moment and asks, “Come here and kiss me? Please?”

Liam feels Zayn’s hands move away as he lays himself on top of Liam again. Liam brings his arms up and around Zayn to hold him and he feels recentered when Zayn brings their lips together again for a gentle kiss. He didn’t realise how much he would need Zayn’s weight on him while they did this. But as soon as all he could feel were Zayn’s hands it was like he was missing and Liam needed to find him, as if he was out of reach. “Are you alright?” Zayn whispers it softly into Liam’s ear, leaving a delicate kiss on his jaw just below.

“I couldn’t find you. Zayn, I didn’t know…” Liam waits a breath while he tries to put his thoughts back together. “It was like you were gone. I knew you were here but I think I panicked.” Zayn gently moves his hands behind Liam’s head and unties the blindfold, setting it aside and kissing the space between Liam’s eyes before he blinks them open again.

“Executive decision. We can try this again another time, but I think it’s too much for tonight. We’re still getting used to this.” Zayn pets Liam’s hair and kisses every inch of his face while he talks, letting Liam hold him tight. “It’s okay if you aren’t ready for something. Just like you don’t want to take things too fast with me, I don’t want you pushing your boundaries either. Alright?” Liam nods and kisses Zayn’s shoulder, the nearest part of them he can reach without moving. He takes a moment to resettle again, honestly caught off guard by how much that panicked him since that’s never happened before while blindfolded. But he’s fine now and he’s glad Zayn recognised he was too overwhelmed almost immediately.

“Do you think we could do all the things we talked about, just without the blindfold?” Liam shifts them slightly so they’re closer to eye level with each other, still holding Zayn close and watching a soft smile grow on Zayn’s face.

“If that’s what you want, we can definitely try it without the blindfold.” Zayn kisses him again but doesn’t move away yet. He wants to give Liam another minute to reorient himself. After some occasional kisses and a lot of cuddling Liam brings a hand up to Zayn’s face to get his attention. “I’m better now. I want to think out loud for a second if that’s okay. Then back to it.” Zayn smiles, kisses him on the nose, and props himself up on Liam’s chest, waiting for him to talk.

“That hasn’t happened for me before but I think I might know why. You know about my anxiety, but it’s always been strongest about you. Because there’s always been so much I couldn’t protect you from in this world, but the one thing I had was that I felt like I could always be near you in case you needed me. And I think I’ve just realised that even when I know you’re safe, if I feel like either of us is vulnerable, it helps me to know where you are. I know I can’t always have you with me. We have our own lives and we need space sometimes. But maybe, at least while we’re still adjusting to this new way of being together, maybe I just need more reminders that you’re here and you’re okay. And I promise I’ll work on it and try to be aware of when it’s getting in the way.” The way Liam is looking at Zayn while he talks is both apologetic and determined, like he’s worried this is too much of an issue but he needs to tell Zayn anyway.

“My turn?” Zayn waits for Liam to nod before adding his thoughts. “I don’t think you’re asking for anything out of the ordinary. Especially in a moment like this where you‘re so individually vulnerable. I’ve never felt like you’ve had expectations on my life or my activities, so I don’t want you thinking you’re being controlling here. You just want me close when we’re intimate. That’s normal, Liam. And I know you know that it’s normal if you were able to be objective. Which you aren’t because of where we are right now.” Zayn pauses to make sure Liam is still listening then adds, “It’s okay that your anxiety shows up sometimes. You are already so aware of it and how it affects your life. It’s part of you like anything else and you are so hard on yourself.” Zayn readjusts a bit so he’s not putting too much of his weight on Liam’s chest. “I want to make at least this much clear: this is not an issue. I am more than happy to be all over you. In fact, I would prefer it. It helps me too. And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. I actually feel safer and more connected that way too, and you already know that and I know you know that because of everything we’ve done together so far.” Zayn brings a hand up to Liam’s cheek before dropping it to lay himself on Liam’s chest. “Hold me for a minute before we do anything else. I think it’ll be good for both of us.”

Liam holds Zayn close, trailing his hands up and down their back and intertwining their legs while he focuses on them again. He feels so incredibly lucky to have a partner who listens so willingly to his anxieties and rationally tells him which are reasonable and which can be set aside. Zayn is so smart, just so unbelievably patient and loving and intelligent and Liam holds him close and thanks the universe for allowing them to be together like this, and for the rest of their lives, too. “Zayn?” Liam hears Zayn hum in response and press a kiss to his chest. “I’m really grateful. For you. For this moment. For all of it. I just wanted you to know that.”

“Me too. So glad that we’re here together, and that we get to keep being together for as long as we’re given.” Zayn shifts them so they’re laying side by side now, able to face each other equally. “I think I might be a bit in love with my fiance. But shhhhh,” Zayn puts a teasing finger on Liam’s lips and sees his eyes crinkle as he smiles in response, “It’s a bit embarrassing sometimes the way I can’t stop staring at him or kissing him or talking about him or writing about him. Honestly, he’s the most incredible man I’ve ever known. You know him? His name is Liam,” At that Liam giggles and buries the side of his face in the pillow, “about my height, but way more fit,” Liam furrows his brow, but Zayn puts a finger to his lips again, “way too much of a morning person,” Liam laughs out loud at that one, “oh and definitely the smartest person I’ll ever know.” Zayn taps Liam’s temple with his fingertips now before bringing his right hand down to Liam’s chest, “But most importantly he loves the entire world and everyone in it. His heart is easily what I love most about him. He loves me so much, and he shares his love so openly. How did I ever get so lucky?” Liam puts his own hand over Zayn’s now and holds it to his chest before leaning forward for a kiss.

It only lasts a moment before Liam smiles against Zayn’s lips and says, “He sounds pretty great. Maybe someday you can introduce us. He live around here?” Which makes Zayn scoff and reach his hands down to Liam’s sides to tickle him, making him laugh and squirm and flail until Zayn finally gives in and blows a raspberry on Liam’s neck before biting it gently and settling back in beside him. “I was trying to be romantic. You live right here, in this bed, with me, in this flat, and we love each other very much, and we’re getting married,  and I’m going to tell anyone who will listen all about you and how great you are.”

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Liam kisses Zayn again, happy and smiling and giddy. “Maybe I want to be the one shouting about my fiance to the world.” Zayn rolls on top of Liam now and snogs him properly, moving their bodies together and feeling them both getting back in the mood they’ve been chasing all night. “How about we call a truce and go back to having sex and just admit we’re both hopelessly gone for each other?” Zayn doesn’t expect a response this time, just keeps kissing and touching and loving Liam with everything he is. But Liam manages to answer, “It’s a deal.” before they both get completely caught up in each other again.

Less than a minute later, Zayn is breaking their kiss so he can focus on a few other parts of Liam instead. “Can I-” Zayn barely gets a word out before Liam groans, “Please. Literally put your hands and your everything all over me.” Zayn doesn’t need to be asked again, both of them having established what happens next half a dozen times over the past hour. He kisses his way down Liam’s chest, his hands following behind, spending just enough attention on Liam’s nipples to make him wish for more the second Zayn moves on. He skips Liam’s dick entirely and instead moves to his inner thighs, his mouth working on Liam’s right leg while his hand trails along his left. Zayn kisses and bites and leaves marks so thoroughly that Liam can barely keep up, his body flooding with sensation and he’s pretty sure he’s making some truly ridiculous noises, half of which are probably just Zayn’s name. Zayn switches legs after a minute, using his hand to gently press on the bruises left behind while he makes new ones on Liam’s left leg. Once he’s satisfied that Liam’s thighs have received adequate attention he leans forward to kiss his stomach, putting his hands beneath Liam’s legs to pull him close and just barely grazing his mouth at the base of Liam’s dick before dropping himself further down the bed to take Liam’s right foot in his hand, biting his arch gently while running his thumbnail from his heel to his toes and watching Liam arch off the bed in response.

“Zayn, what the fuck.” Liam is breathless and lets himself fall back to the bed when Zayn kisses his ankle gently before letting his foot drop. He reaches for the other foot and repeats the process, this time dragging his teeth down his arch before letting it fall back to the bed. Liam watches all of this, not entirely sure how Zayn is making his body feel these things through his feet? Where did Zayn even learn this? Zayn takes Liam’s left knee and pushes it across Liam’s body, eventually making him flip over onto his stomach with a groan and a mumbled, “You can mark up my back all you want. I like that.” Zayn smirks but lays himself on top of Liam, wrapping his arms around his chest from behind and holding him close for a moment. “You know I love you so much?” He says before kissing the back of Liam’s neck. Liam smiles and turns his face, pouting his lips until Zayn gives him a kiss. He settles his face back forward and lets out a deep sigh, completely content having Zayn hold on like the world’s most interesting backpack.

Zayn lets his hands creep downward while kissing Liam’s neck, eventually bringing them around to Liam’s back and starting on his shoulders. “Do you have any idea how ridiculous your shoulders are, babe?” Zayn massages his shoulders and his neck, working out some of the tension Liam carries there so readily and admiring how strong he is. “Think I might start giving you a massage every day just as an excuse to get my hands on them. Honestly, your whole back is just-” Zayn doesn’t even know what words to use, so he decides to let his actions fill in the blank, kissing and biting and leaving fresh bruises all over Liam’s back, as far down as his tailbone. Liam loves every single second of this, feeling Zayn completely covering him with love and attention while he relaxes and squirms and moans and begs for more. Starting back up at the top of his shoulders, Zayn alternates between soothing circles and gentle scratches down Liam’s back. Liam shivers beneath him every few moments, his back clearly sensitive to the changing sensations.

Reaching a hand out to the bedside table, Zayn carefully picks up one of the remaining ice cubes and kisses Liam behind the ear, whispering, “Tell me if it’s too much.” Liam nods and Zayn starts tracing a path down his back with the ice, focusing on the areas he’s already either scratched or bruised and watching Liam’s entire body shiver and break out in a chill. He follows the ice with his warm mouth, licking up the trail of water he’s leaving behind and continuing until the ice has completely melted. Before turning Liam back over he rubs wide circles into his back, palms flat and fingers delicately tracing along in their wake. But then Liam’s ass is right there, and how could he stop before massaging some of the tension out of his lower back and glutes and thighs and all the rest of him too? So Zayn keeps rubbing and kissing and loving Liam all the way down to his feet, feeling like Liam is long overdue for this kind of attention with how tight every single one of his muscles is. “You hold too much, Liam. I can feel it in every inch of your body.” Zayn’s back to holding onto Liam from behind, wrapped around him in a tight hug while whispering in his ear.

Liam sighs and snuggles back into Zayn mumbling, “Yeah, you’re probably right about that…But feel free to do that anytime. I feel like I’m floating right now.” Zayn kisses the underside of Liam’s jaw before slipping off of him to lay by his side instead. He takes one of Liam’s hands in both of his and kisses his palm, setting it on his own cheek while staring at Liam and rubbing his forearm. “Feeling better then?” Liam nods and pulls Zayn closer by the waist, bringing their bodies together and kissing him deep and warm.

“I’m ready whenever you are.” Zayn says in the space between them when they pause. “And I know you remember your list, so hop to it.” Zayn teases, biting gently on Liam’s bottom lip and patting him on the bum. Liam laughs and softly turns Zayn to lay flat on the bed, letting his hand caress his chest and stomach while he reaches down, stopping just before to say, “I’m gonna take it out now.” Zayn keeps kissing him while Liam’s fingers grasp the end of the plug and tug gently. He feels it slide out along with a release of tension in the general area, but nothing painful. “Hands, Liam. I want your fingers to restretch me properly.” Liam sets aside the plug on the bedside table and reaches for the lube instead, adding a few drops to his hand again before bringing it back down to massage the tension from the plug away. He starts by rubbing the outside again, restretching the surrounding area from where it’s been clenched for the past little while. Zayn shifts further down on the bed while continuing to kiss Liam, hands in his hair. “More?” Liam asks softly, Zayn agreeing with a quick, “Yes, more.” and a tiny moan when Liam carefully presses two fingers inside again. Since Zayn is already stretched, Liam is mostly releasing any soreness left behind by the plug before they take this further. It doesn’t take long before Zayn moves a hand to Liam’s face and places his fingers on Liam’s lips to get his attention. Zayn gives him a soft smile and whispers, “Ready for you now. Promise.” Liam smiles back from beneath Zayn’s fingertips and slowly removes his fingers again, wiping them clean so he can move his hands wherever Zayn wants them without making a mess.

“Can I?” Zayn asks when Liam picks up the lube one last time before happily handing it over with the hand towel for Zayn to use as he wishes. Zayn widens his legs slightly and lifts his knees off the bed. “You going to come here or do I have to chase you?” he teases Liam who is momentarily frozen while staring at Zayn like he’s forgotten this was where the whole night’s been headed. Liam shakes his head and laughs quietly before moving himself between Zayn’s legs, gently rubbing his open thighs to ease the way his hips are about to be stretched. “You look fucking incredible, alright? Caught me off guard again.” 

Zayn holds his now lubed right hand out and waits for Liam to move himself where he needs to be, taking Zayn’s hand and moving it to his dick before letting go to put his hands on Zayn’s thighs. Liam closes his eyes briefly and groans because he’ll never get over how it feels to be in Zayn’s hand like this, but he wants to see Zayn this whole time so he opens them again to find Zayn smirking at him before realising he’s been caught and pressing his lips together to stifle another giggle. Liam leans forward to bring their faces closer together, teasing Zayn and making him do half a situp for a kiss, pouting as he does.  Now it’s Liam’s turn to giggle because how does Zayn manage to go from overwhelmingly beautiful to ridiculously adorable all while keeping a very talented hand on his dick? He contains multitudes, honestly. Zayn is certainly enjoying this, moving slow enough to make Liam frustrated but also incredibly turned on, and loving watching the contradiction fight its way across Liam’s face.

“Zayn I’m about to come in your hand, honestly.” Liam is biting his own lip now and clearly making quite the effort, so Zayn moves his hand down to Liam’s balls instead to give them just the briefest of attention and watches him react accordingly before letting his hand drop with a satisfied smile. He reaches for the hand towel to wipe his hand clean so he doesn’t feel bad when he wants to absolutely wreck Liam’s hair in a few minutes. Liam still has himself braced on Zayn’s legs, taking a breath before moving where he needs to be.

“Can you lay on me once I’ve adjusted? And can I put my legs around you?” Zayn makes grabby hands again so Liam will lay on top of him and kiss him. So he might be a bit needy, but why the fuck else are they so ridiculously in love if not to remind each other every minute and a half?

“Of course. It was on the list, wasn’t it?” Liam isn’t even teasing, he’s actually confirming that like the concerned, meticulous partner he is. Zayn has one of those moments where he feels a swoop in his stomach because he’s overwhelmed by love and appreciation again.

“Put your dick in me please, before I become a useless, lovesick idiot who can’t remember my own name.” Zayn pushes gently on Liam’s shoulders to get him to sit up again, smiling when Liam sneaks another kiss on his way to his knees.

“I’m going to go slow, alright? Even if you think it’s too slow, I’m not speeding up until your body relaxes.” Liam positions himself so he’s just barely making contact, waiting another moment for Zayn to stop him if needed. But instead he shifts his hips so his ass hits Liam’s dick all on it’s own, making them both laugh, sharing a soft moment between them when their eyes meet. “Go ahead, Liam. I love you.”

“I love you so much.” Liam answers before focusing, needing to pay a bit more attention to mechanics for a few minutes to make sure no one gets hurt. He finally lays the tip of his dick in front of Zayn’s ass and gently pushes forward, barely doing more than making contact. Zayn catches his breath, but not because it hurts. He’s been wanting this for so long. Having sex with other people was never like it had been with Liam, and that was over a decade ago. He’s been waiting, longing for how it feels with Liam, and the immediacy of it hits him while he feels Liam easing himself inside. True to his word, Liam is taking his time, occasionally rubbing a hand over Zayn’s thighs or lower stomach to keep him relaxed, soothing away any discomfort Zayn may be feeling. And it is uncomfortable. It’s a dick in his ass, it’s always uncomfortable at first. But there’s so much more to it that Zayn can’t even focus on that. He’s not in pain, just adjusting, and Liam is so lovely like this, bathed in the satin moonlight, a delicate sheen of sweat covering his torso, and nothing but love and dedication found on his face right now. Zayn watches Liam watch him, checking constantly to make sure he’s comfortable and just generally happy while still focusing on moving them forward. He really is remarkable. Zayn smiles and it must be worth noting because Liam stops moving for a moment and tilts his head.

“I’m just in awe of you. Continue.” Zayn takes Liam’s nearest hand and gives it a kiss before placing it back on his torso. Liam smiles bright to say, “If I could I would kiss you right now. But I’ll save it for in a minute.” before focusing back on what he was doing. He’s almost all the way inside Zayn, but Zayn is still pretty tight. Even when he’s started moving it will be a minute before they can change positions and have their bodies aligned like Zayn needs. Just a few moments later he’s all the way inside Zayn and he pauses to let them adjust, bringing his right hand to Zayn’s face, as if holding his beauty in his grasp could ever be possible. “You’re just…beyond words, Zayn. You feeling alright?”

Zayn brings both his hands up to grasp Liam’s, one taking a hold of his forearm and the other just over his hand. “More than alright. I’ve wanted this for so long. Sex with you is so fucking special.” Zayn carefully guides Liam’s hand back to his waist, indicating he should start moving himself, that Zayn is ready for more. Liam holds Zayn and slowly eases back out almost all the way before sliding back in, moving incredibly slowly. One of the amazing things about both of them being verse is they understand how this feels in both situations. Liam knows how it feels to be a little tight to start with and moves slowly and deliberately to make sure this isn’t painful for Z. And Zayn knows what signs Liam is waiting for before moving faster and being able to lay with him like he wants. It already feels incredible. For both of them. They’re sweating a bit already just from how they’ve been working up to this for so long, plenty of foreplay and loving each other through every moment.

Liam can move more comfortably now, Zayn relaxed around him and beneath him, and honestly everywhere he can possibly be. Zayn has his eyes closed and his hands are searching for Liam, unable to focus on anything else except how he wants him close, to hold and to kiss and to love, for right now but also in a way that longs for forever. He knows there’s no such thing, and forever is impossible, and they only have now and hopefully a few more decades, but Zayn is reaching towards infinity and his hands are finding Liam, beautiful, brave, loving Liam. After what feels like a century of waiting, he finally feels Liam lay gingerly on his chest, asking him to open his eyes with a gentle hand to his cheek and a brush of a kiss. “Liam.” Zayn breathes his name as he opens his eyes. “Eternity and the mirror. That’s you. You are eternity for me.” He holds Liam close and kisses him as if it’s the first time, like he needs the breath they’re sharing to fill his lungs before they collapse from lack of use. He can feel Liam inside him, moving in a way that somehow feels still, the way he loves gentle and unassuming, as if the places they’re joined have determined the course of the entire world, physics and all the rest of the logic Zayn has ever known completely disregarded in favour of this connection. He feels them having sex, and it’s absolutely incredible, but what he feels more is the way they are together, their bodies understanding one another so completely and so naturally, their minds unable to comprehend the enormity of what it feels like to share life in this way.

Being held like this, as if he’s the central point of Zayn’s universe, is almost too much for Liam. He can feel the depth of Zayn’s love in a tangible way, as if they’re floating together into an abyss, but there’s no fear or alarm. They’re falling and catching each other simultaneously, flying and diving and sprinting at an impossibly far away goal that’s somehow already theirs. Liam spends another moment taking inventory of this memory they’re making. He’s holding Zayn firm and moving inside of him without having to give it much thought, Zayn’s body reacting in a way that gives him a roadmap to every new second just a breath before they arrive. And Zayn’s hands are in his hair and on his back and under his arms pulling him closer, as if he could share Liam’s body if he only tried a little longer, scratched a fraction deeper. Liam can smell them both, their sweat mixing together as their bodies collide, the scent mixing dangerously well with the candle he lit earlier and his own cologne still fresh on their pillows. And if he tries to focus on the music he hears their song playing, and it’s halfway through and he didn’t even notice because he was so wrapped up in Zayn.

“Zayn…love. Listen.” Liam breaks their kiss to whisper in Zayn’s ear, waiting for it to register. When it does Zayn smiles softly, but in a way that looks impossibly happy.

“Full circle. I can’t believe it. What are the chances?” Zayn pulls Liam back in to kiss him again, his mind returning to that night all those years ago when they first had sex, and this song was their grounding moment, the thing that reminded them for over a decade.

“C’est toi pour moi.” Liam mumbles the words into Zayn’s lips, suddenly aware of how close he is to heading over the edge. “It’s you for me too. Always.” Zayn whispers back, bringing both of his legs up and around Liam’s waist, hands in Liam’s hair and giving it a gentle tug. He can feel Liam holding back his orgasm, but he doesn’t need to. “Let go, Liam. I want you to let go.” He’s felt Liam climbing along with him for the past several minutes, neither of them needing very long to reach their release after so much buildup. Liam kisses Zayn even deeper, hands holding tight to their back while his whole body tenses and he moans Zayn’s name directly into his mouth, coming inside of Zayn the moment he was given permission. He feels his orgasm with his whole body, pushing it into Zayn so they can share it between them. His legs and his abs and his arms and his everything are on fire and Zayn is what keeps him from burning up, rubbing his back and kissing his bruised lips and soothing him back down from his deliverance.

When Liam seems to be mostly recovered and completely sated, Zayn breaks their kiss to remind him, “I want to taste it, Liam. And then I want you to use it to get me off, too.” Liam groans in response and mutters, “Christ. How are you even real?” before slowly pulling himself back out of Zayn, careful not to hurt him. Zayn readjusts himself subtly now that Liam isn’t fully on top of him and waits, feeling Liam’s fingers find their way back to his ass and carefully wiping up a trace of his own come to rest on his fingertips. Zayn reaches out for him again, still needing as much contact as possible. Liam lays himself back on top of Zayn and brings his dirty fingertips up to Zayn’s mouth, gently wiping a bit across Zayn’s bottom lip before sliding his fingers inside Zayn’s mouth. Zayn moans and closes his eyes, pulling Liam in closer and sucking hard on his fingers, the salty taste of Liam’s fingers in sharp contrast to the warm taste of Liam’s mouth just a minute before.

Liam removes his fingers from Zayn’s mouth and kisses him, a hint of his own come getting in his mouth when he does. Zayn kisses him sloppily, greedily, as if he needs to taste every different flavour Liam has to offer, from one end to the other. “Hand, Liam. Please. I want it dirty and rough and loud.” Liam smiles into their kiss and takes his right hand to move Zayn’s leg behind his back again so Zayn can hold him close. Moving down Zayn’s body slightly, he brings his hand back down to Zayn’s ass and rubs gently, a mixture of lube and his own come coating his fingers as he does. Zayn moans and pushes himself down against Liam’s fingers, so he lets his middle and pointer fingers slide inside again, Zayn making some ridiculously hot noises in response even though Liam is barely moving. He brushes up against Zayn’s prostate, but doesn’t aim too closely, not wanting to overwhelm Zayn after already having been fucked. He’s probably over sensitive already.

“I want your hand. And I need you. Here.” Zayn reaches for him and Liam sees it’s more than just a request. Zayn really needs him back up on top of him before he panics. He needs to be grounded, connected to his tether.

“I’m right here. Not going anywhere, Zayn. Never going to leave. Promise.” Liam uses his clean hand to brush Zayn’s hair off his forehead and scratch gently at his scalp while kissing him softly. Zayn’s arms are around Liam holding him close, his leg still wrapped around his waist. Liam brings his hand from Zayn’s hair to his cheek to get his attention, making sure he hasn’t changed what he wants.

“Go ahead. Better now. Just needed you.” Zayn starts kissing Liam again, relaxing as he does. Liam carefully takes Zayn in his hand, gently and slowly moving along his dick while keeping his body as connected to Zayn’s as possible before speeding up. He can tell Zayn is almost there already, just needs a few moments of this before he finds his own release in Liam’s hand. Liam moves his mouth to Zayn’s neck to kiss him there instead, leaving a small mark where his neck meets his shoulder, his free hand holding the back of Zayn’s head to keep them tethered. Zayn starts to arch off the bed, chasing Liam’s hand and his whole body tensing while he does. “I love you.” Liam whispers in the space near Zayn’s ear, knowing the reassurance will be what finally helps Zayn let go. And he does, groaning and contracting and working himself through his orgasm, getting Liam’s hand and his own stomach dirty in the process. Liam goes back to kissing him properly while he comes down from his high, Z occasionally pausing to whisper “beautiful” or “perfect” or sometimes just “love”. Liam smiles at how, even when Zayn is barely able to speak, he’s praising Liam, reminding him that he’s Zayn’s and that he’s loved. “Stay? Just for a minute?” Zayn is still breathing heavily, one of his hands tight on Liam’s back and the other playing with Liam’s hair again, holding Liam on his chest now and kissing the top of his head.

“As long as you want, Z.” Liam lays flat on top of Zayn with his arms secure around their back, neither of them caring about the mess or anything else right now because they’re together and in love and the rest of the world can fuck off for a few minutes while they savor this. Last night was incredible but this was special. For both of them. As they learn and grow and change and evolve together things will only get better, feel more amazing, their love deepening as their physical connection develops for as long as they’re able. Zayn is still caressing Liam, trailing his hand down his back and letting his fingers pet his hair while he kisses his forehead and his eyes and his cheeks and everything else nearby. He doesn’t want to move but he needs to lay all his love on Liam, show him how absolutely adored and special he is. Zayn is so safe with Liam, right now and for the rest of their lives. Sex with Liam is the closest thing to divinity that Zayn will ever experience. Liam is sacred, more valuable than anything on this earth.

“You still want me to clean you up or just cuddle?” Liam kisses Zayn’s chest and nuzzles a bit, breathing him in and giving him a gentle squeeze. He’s never happier than laying in Zayn’s arms, and he’s completely satisfied right now, his body and his mind so calm. Zayn is the only thing in the world that can silence everything else with his gentle light. When he’s with Zayn, everything is in focus, the important things so obvious and right in his grasp. Everything else can wait or fade away, because these moments together, this is what it’s all for.

“Cuddle. Shower in a few minutes. Then food. Then sleep. Cuddles the whole time.” Zayn kisses Liam between each thought, his heart warming as Liam’s smile grows each time, eventually making him giggle and bury his face back in Zayn’s chest, readjusting to be comfortable and letting out a sigh. Seeing Liam this happy is better than anything Zayn could ask for. He holds Liam for another few minutes, both of them living in this moment and keeping each other close. Love may be the word for this, but it hardly seems adequate. Whatever this is, it can’t be studied or explained or confined by human understanding, only felt in their souls in the space they share, their minds sending out light as they try to fit this moment into the deepest parts of themselves. They’ve been completely vulnerable and open, a new piece of them falling into place with each shared breath. They sigh together and snuggle closer, at peace and within love. This is what they’ve always been searching for.

***

“What on earth are you looking for?” Liam stops in his tracks on his way back into the bedroom, seeing that Zayn is in his old room throwing his clothes out of the drawers with reckless abandon. They’ve just finished showering, both pink and warm and clean, and Zayn was supposed to be putting on pyjamas, Liam about to put on his own.

“Mind your business.” Zayn keeps looking, rifling through his drawers like he’s on a treasure hunt. “Go get dressed. I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Oooooookay then.” Liam laughs with confusion but does as he’s told, walking back into their bedroom and putting on his standard white tee and black pants. Just as he’s finished pulling on his pants he feels Zayn’s hands cover his eyes from behind and he giggles, leaning back into Z.

“Do I get to know the great mystery now?” He turns himself around in Zayn’s arms, his eyes staying closed beneath Zayn’s fingers, but he leans in for a kiss, easily able to find his way without seeing now. He’s had practice.

“Open your eyes and tell me I’m pretty.” Zayn drops his hand but keeps Liam close, waiting for him to realise. When he does he picks Zayn up at the waist and twirls him around making him laugh and swat at Liam to put him down.

“Gorgeous. Beautiful. Fit. Unreal. How?” Liam kisses Zayn hard before tugging at the collar and exposing Zayn’s collarbone. “Worth the mess if you found it.” He bites gently before starting at a love bite, Zayn tilting his head to the side and putting one hand in Liam’s still wet hair.

“If an old batman tee has this effect on you, why do I bother with any of my actual clothes?” Zayn teases before tugging gently on Liam’s hair. “Dinner, or I won’t let you have your dessert.”

“Already had it.” Liam mumbles before moving to Zayn’s neck now, leaving delicate kisses everywhere he sees, his beard tickling Zayn’s shower sensitive skin.

“Naughty. But I meant actual dessert this time. Thank god H made us dinner or we’d just languish away in bed, getting our only calories from each other’s spunk.” Liam can’t help but laugh at that, smiling into Zayn’s neck before stepping back and looking him up and down once more. “You really are just the most beautiful person in the world, Z…Alright, dinner. Lead the way.”

Zayn takes Liam by the hand and into the kitchen. They reheat their dinner together, laughing and talking about nothing and everything, Liam making them herbal tea to make sure they rehydrate properly. They bring their dinner out into the living room, sitting in their normal spots on the sofa and facing each other with smiles so bright they could be blinding. Snuggled together under their favourite purple blanket, they play footsie and giggle like teenagers while Liam puts Bake Off on in the background, an episode they’ve seen a dozen or so times.

“Nancy is the best. And we still need to order her second book.” Zayn keeps up with Nancy on Instagram, he and H two of her most devoted followers. “And she’s mates with JVN now.”

“I know, dear. You’ve told me a dozen times.” Liam teases, reaching over to give Zayn a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll order the book in the morning.”

“If you do, I’ll make you that carrot cake tomorrow while H and I clean up my old room.” Zayn takes another bite of his tofu pad thai, eyes crinkling as he smiles at Liam, who grabs his phone off the coffee table, setting his own plate down so he can focus.

“I’m ordering it right now if it gets me carrot cake.” Liam’s already typing in the website while Zayn laughs and sets his own plate down.

“God, you’re easy. Come here.” Zayn kneels on the sofa and gently pushes on Liam until he’s almost laying down, setting his phone aside and kissing him softly. Liam folds Zayn into his arms and lets himself be kissed without a moment of hesitation. He can’t believe they haven’t been eating dinner like this every night for years. It just makes sense. It’s so easy to be like this, joking and laughing and kissing through life. How is it their first night in this flat as a couple? After a minute Zayn pulls back with another laugh and a hand on Liam’s chest.

“I’m the one who told you we have to eat dinner and here I am preventing that from happening.” Zayn sits up again and resettles on his side, picking up his own plate and handing Liam his. “Let’s finish eating so we can go cuddle until we fall asleep.”

“Fine. But I’m changing the bedsheets while you clean up out here. We made a bit of a mess earlier.” Liam smirks at Zayn before taking another bite of his dinner.

***

They finish eating in relative quiet, cuddling on the sofa until the episode is over and sipping their tea. Their two slices of banoffee pie were finished by the time the technical challenge was being judged. It might be Niall’s favourite, but all five of them have a weakness for it. Zayn clears their plates and mugs, carrying them into the kitchen to tidy up so they can go to bed. Liam gets clean sheets out of the linen cupboard and makes quick work of replacing the dirty ones, misting the new sheets with lavender before replacing the duvet. Zayn joins him in the bathroom, both brushing their teeth and having a quick wee before turning off the lights and getting snuggled into bed together.

“Will you read to me?” Zayn turns out of Liam’s hold to grab Civil Disobedience from where he left it on his nightstand earlier in the day. He cuddles into Liam’s side and kisses his shoulder, laying his right arm across his chest and his leg over both of Liam’s, sufficiently fitting himself around his person. Liam turns on a lamp with the remote in his nightstand and kisses the top of Zayn’s head, opening the thin paperback to the spot marked with a notecard.

Just as he’s about to start reading Zayn wriggles away again, untangling himself from the bed sheets and stumbling over to the window. “Wait. Need these open.” Zayn pulls open the curtains enough to let in the moonlight, a silver sliver falling across the bed. “Almost a full moon.” He crawls back into the bed and resettles where he was, Liam smiling down at him fondly before kissing his forehead.

“You really love the moon. More than before?” Liam tilts Zayn’s chin up to look at him. Zayn smiles and nods, moving his hand out from under the blanket to run his fingers through the moonlight as if he could feel it. He glances away from Liam, watching the light dance over his skin.

“You asked me about Artemis, and I spoke about honesty. And then I told you the true things that I hadn’t shared before. And that honesty is what got us here.” Zayn looks back at Liam before taking his hand and putting it with his own in the moonbeam. “I like the idea of Artemis watching over us. She’ll keep us honest. She’s a fighter. She’s gay. All the best things.”

Liam keeps his hand where Zayn placed it, feeling like he could soak up some of that energy. It feels so real, to put his faith in that night, in the time where they were both so open. “I don’t believe in a higher power, or in any deity. But I do believe in us. And I believe in all those things you mentioned. Honesty. Fighting for what’s good and real and true. You remind me of all of that everyday…Maybe you’re my Artemis.”

Zayn turns to face Liam again, sitting up so he can kiss him slowly and gently and with all the words he’ll never quite find. “I already decided that you’re my hearth. Warm and safe and constant. So that makes you Hestia. And I’m convinced those two were gay together so that works. I will gladly be your Artemis.” Liam lets the book drop to his side so he can hold Zayn upright while they kiss. Sometimes he wonders if the rest of the world would even understand half of their conversations, the way they jump from pop culture to greek mythology to obscure poetry to modern politics and everything in between. But they follow the same path, their intellect springing from the same well, the road they’re travelling familiar to both of them as if they’ve been down it before.

“You know I love you?” Zayn whispers against Liam’s lips, one hand holding his face and rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone.

“I know, Z. You keep reminding me, as if I could ever doubt it. You love me and I love you right back. Imagine the places we’ll take each other during our life together? I can’t wait.” Liam kisses Zayn one last lingering time before shifting him back to lay on his chest again. He waits for Z to get settled before picking up the book and reopening it to the appointed page.

“Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the fields and woods…” Liam’s deep voice is Zayn’s favourite sound. It contains so much of what he loves about Liam and what he loves about the world. He lets himself get lost in the words, rising and falling and breathing through each sentence as Liam reads. It’s a gift, the way he speaks meaning into these words. And it’s a gift he shares, with Zayn, his students, anyone who takes the time to listen to him speak. He lays comfortably with Liam, listening to his heartbeat beneath his voice, lets himself move with Liam as he breathes, relaxes into the nest of Liam’s chest with ease.

Liam reads to the end of the essay, setting aside the book and turning off his reading lamp. It’s quiet time now, neither of them needing to talk while they settle in to sleep. Zayn gives Liam a kiss goodnight before pulling him into his chest, stroking his hair and wrapping himself around Liam from behind. They fall asleep dappled in the gentle moonbeam that brushes past the edge of the curtains, the honesty of their love wrapped around them in their comfortable quiet.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 14

“Love this place. Might have to get another ring for H for our next anniversary from here. How’d you find it?” Louis has a vintage amethyst and gold ring in his palm, Liam waiting calmly at his side. “Actually, might go ahead and get this one. Set it aside for their next birthday.”

“I think H would love that. It’s beautiful and old and I’m sure the owner knows the story behind it.” Liam is leaning with his hip against the counter of the jewellery store. He brought Louis along a few weeks ago to commission rings for himself and Zayn, and now Louis is with him again to pick them up. Zayn had already known what he wanted, and Liam already knew the inscription to put inside, so it was relatively straightforward. “And I found this place on a recommendation from Julian, after many hours of pointless googling. The owner makes all the custom work and finds the vintage pieces himself. Exactly the sort of place for us.”

“Remind me to use your friends instead of google next time.” Louis sets the ring down and faces Liam again. “So. How’re you feeling? Big day.”

“It’s gay Halloween. Not that big of a moment We’re always gay and often in costume.” Liam glances towards the back and sees the jeweller returning, two ring boxes in hand. “Save it, I know what you mean.” He adds when he hears Louis start up again. “We’ve already been engaged for a few weeks, but yeah. This is another thing. Rings make it more official to other people, and I know Zayn has been excited.”

“He tried to get hints from me every few days. As if. I’d never ruin this sort of surprise.” Louis puts a hand on Liam’s shoulder as the jeweller arrives in front of them. “Well, what are you waiting for, Payno? Take a look.”

“Thank you.” Liam says to the jeweller before taking both boxes in hand. He opens the first to see a standard gold band with the most delicate vine of roses engraved around the outside. He already knows what the inside says, 'You are my light.', chosen by Zayn to personalise what Liam had already wanted. “It’s perfect.” Liam says, already teary. And he hasn’t even looked at Zayn’s yet. He carefully tucks his own ring back into its box and hands it back to the jeweller to be packaged.

“Now the other one.” Louis nudges it towards him gently, since Liam seems to have frozen in place, staring at the box. “It won’t bite. You already know what it is, mate.”

“What if it’s not right? What if I messed it up? Zayn deserves the world. Everything. It’s just a ring but it means so much more. What if this isn’t what he wanted?” Liam is still just staring at the box, hands resting on the countertop. He can’t seem to make them move to open it.

“You could give Z a ring pop and it would be perfect. He’s marrying you, not the ring. And he picked this out, remember? He told you what he wanted and why and he trusts you to add what you want.” Louis squeezes Liam’s hand where it’s still resting on the countertop, hoping to put some life back into it. “You already gave them that book. That meant more to him than I think you will ever know. At this point they might marry the book if you don’t get a move on and look at that ring.”

Liam laughs softly at that, finally reaching a hand out to pick up the ring box and pop it open. “Oh.” He doesn’t say anything else for a minute, just carefully traces the ring with his middle finger, feeling the cool metal and the grooves of colour Zayn had requested. His eyes take in the shiny black ring with a line of bright gold around each side and sees the hint of the inscription inside. He carefully takes the ring out of the box so he can see it properly, je vois la vie en rose. He couldn’t think of anything else to write inside. It had been their song for so long, had been such a huge part of their journey to get here, the reason for both of their love of the colour, one of the reasons for Liam’s hand tattoo, the reason Zayn still loved roses more than any other flower. And it had been the song playing in the background when they had finally gotten together a few weeks ago at the wedding. They knew it by heart, and in a way that made that phrase make sense. Their hearts knew the song and the lyrics and the path it drew to their story. He hopes it’s enough for Zayn, that it’s the reminder he will need when he looks at this ring.

“Y’alright?” Louis has had his hand on Liam’s back this whole time, but Liam just now notices, bringing his awareness back to his surroundings.

“I think…I think it’s perfect. It’s beautiful. I can see Zayn wearing it now and in 50 years. It’s exactly what I pictured.” Liam turns to look at Louis and sees a fond smile on his face.

“You two really are perfect for each other. I’m so proud. So happy for you.” Louis pulls Liam into a tight hug which he returns gladly. Louis’ face is squished into Liam’s shoulder, a bright smile crinkling his eyes. Liam pulls away from the hug to turn back to the jeweller again, closing the ring box and handing it over.

“Absolutely beautiful. I can’t thank you enough.” He offers his hand to the artist, who takes it happily. “Oh, and Louis would like to buy this ring for his spouse. If you have a moment.” Liam points to the amethyst ring while Louis takes over, discussing resizing and asking about the history so he can share it with H for their birthday. Ten minutes later, they leave the shop, Liam with both rings tucked safely in an inner pocket of his coat and a smile that could warm all of London.

“Alright, this is where we split. See you tonight. We’re all meeting at the pub, right?” Liam gives Louis a brief hug as they step away from each other to walk home.

“Yeah. Shawn and Niall should be there early to deal with security and all that. But you and Zayn can show up whenever. And eat before we get there. Can’t have any of us drinking on an empty stomach. We’re too old for that now.” Louis waves him away as they walk their separate ways.

“Love you, Lou.” Liam calls over his shoulder.

“Yeah, love you too. Now go. You’ve got business to attend to.” Louis smirks over his shoulder, watching Liam start his short walk home. He’s so happy for those two.

***

“Honey, I’m home!” Liam sings as he walks through the door to their flat, bending down as Francine trots over to get pets from her dad, her tiny head barely reaching Liam's calves. “Hello little miss. Were you a good dog while I was out? I smell like your Uncle Lou, I know. Clifford says hi.” He hangs up his coat and toes off his boots before dropping his keys and wallet and carefully taking the ring boxes out of his coat. He expected to be greeted by Zayn by now but he hasn’t heard anything yet. “Babe? Which room are you in?”

“In here.” Liam hears from the direction of Zayn’s writing room. So he’s still working then. Of course. Liam smiles and makes his way down the hall, Francine following at his heel. He peaks around the doorway to see Zayn folded up in his writing chair, deep in thought while he reads through a paragraph. Francine scampers in and sits on her bed near their chair, and settling back in where Liam knows she’s been ever since he left. “Can I come in?” He asks quietly, not wanting to ruin the moment if Zayn is deep in his own world.

Without answering, Zayn holds out a hand behind his head, inviting Liam in but telling him to keep quiet in the same motion. Liam walks softly into the room to take Zayn’s hand, wrapping him up in a hug from behind and kissing the side of his head. Zayn hums and leans back into him for a moment, eyes still locked on his screen. “How do you feel about discovering time travel for me so I can go back in time and find out what this town should smell like at night?”

Liam chuckles before kissing Zayn’s cheek. “Best I can do is access to the university archives and a trip to the countryside when we visit France next summer.”

Zayn sighs before turning around in his chair and kissing Liam fully, both of them closing their eyes and savouring the moment. Liam feels Zayn’s right hand trace through his hair before pulling him closer for a deeper kiss. “You’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?” Liam can tell when Zayn is still in work mode, even if he’s trying his best to focus on Liam.

Zayn groans and turns back to the computer. “Unfortunately, yes. But I think I’m going to just highlight and come back to it in a few days. Work on some of the next chapter instead. But not until Monday. Well, I will try to wait until Monday.”

“It’s okay if it can’t wait until Monday. You don’t work on a regular schedule and you shouldn’t force yourself to.”  Liam massages Zayn’s head and smiles when Zayn relaxes and closes his eyes, letting his head fall back against the chair. Liam slowly removes Zayn’s glasses and sets them on the desk, giving him a soft kiss before rubbing his temples with his thumbs. Zayn mumbles, “love you” while enjoying the attention, pouting when Liam takes his hands away.

“I’m going to take little miss Fran and read on the sofa for a bit, give you some quiet. Finish up what you need to then come cuddle us.” Liam kisses Zayn on the forehead and makes to leave, Zayn catching his wrist before he can.

“Did you get them?” He’s looking at Liam with shining eyes, excitement clearly written across his face. He rubs his thumb across Liam’s knuckle absentmindedly while he asks.

“Of course. They’re perfect. But no rush. I’ll have them waiting with me in the living room when you’re done in here.” Liam leans back in to give Zayn one more kiss before stepping away, Zayn letting his hand drop this time and turning back to his screen again. He puts his glasses back on while he refocuses.

“Love you!” Zayn calls to Liam without turning around, already typing again. “I’m busy but I love you so much.”

“Love you, too. Now focus!” Liam shakes his head before walking into the living room with Francine, settling into his side of the sofa with a copy of Smoke Gets In Your Eyes . He’s been meaning to read it for years after a recommendation from Louis, so he opens to the first chapter with a quiet sigh, his free hand petting Francine where she’s curled up at his side like a fluffy brown pillow, her white stomach barely visible and her nose tucked in under her tail. They're both content waiting for Zayn to finish writing so they can spend the next few hours snuggled up together in their home.

***

Francine’s ears perk up and she turns her head just in time to see Zayn flop onto the left side of the sofa, picking up Liam’s feet and setting them on his lap. Liam hums when Zayn starts massaging them, a habit they’ve had for years when sitting like this. Francine jumps off the sofa and trots over to her bed beside the fireplace instead, laying down for a nap. Liam keeps reading, halfway through a chapter and completely fascinated with what he’s reading. He never knew how much he could learn about life from proximity to death, and this book is making him think. Eventually he feels Zayn’s fingertips start dancing across his calves, staying there for a minute or two, then his hands find their way to Liam’s thighs, still not distracting enough for Liam to put the book down. Only when Zayn climbs up Liam’s body and flops down on top of his chest does Liam hold the book out of the way and focus on Zayn.

“I know you’re loving the book, and I promise you can get back to it later. But I’m ready for my taken token. And I also want to cuddle.” Zayn is staring up at Liam from where he’s laying on top of him, propped up on Liam’s chest like a mermaid.

“You have got to stop calling it that.” Liam tucks a notecard into the book and sets it on the coffee table. He had just finished a section anyway, so Zayn picked a good time to require attention. “I told you to call it a thimble if you have to have a nickname for it. At least that’s literary and romantic.”

“Fine. Thimble. I am ready for my thimble.” Zayn looks over at where the boxes are sitting casually on the coffee table. Liam puts a hand under his chin to get his attention, bringing their mouths together for a kiss. Zayn smiles and bites Liam’s lower lip gently, making him laugh.

“Feisty today? I can work with that.” Liam resettles further down the cushion so they’re almost laying down, Zayn putting his leg between Liam’s automatically so they can snuggle closer. Zayn teases Liam while they kiss, tugging his hair gently, letting his hands wander where he’s ticklish, using his foot to open Liam’s legs further. Eventually Liam gives in with a huff and puts his hands on Zayn’s chest. “You’ve made your point. Let me give you your ring before we become absolutely useless and horny.”

Zayn sits up and moves Liam at the same time so they’re seated on the sofa instead of reclining. He looks at Liam, chin in his palm, “Which box is mine?” Liam points at the box nearest himself, so Zayn reaches to grab the other box, taking it in his hand carefully. “Close your eyes.”

“I’ve seen them, Zayn. I’m the one who commissioned them and picked them up.” Liam rolls his eyes while he squeezes Zayn’s knee but does as he’s told, closing his eyes and waiting.

“I still want an element of surprise. Please and thank you.” Zayn waits a moment, making sure Liam’s eyes are well and truly closed. He peeks in the box to make sure Louis snuck the note to the jeweller to place inside. Sure enough he sees the cardstock propped up behind the ring, the red ink beautiful next to the bright gold. He holds the box open towards Liam and whispers, “You can open your eyes now.”

Liam reaches out his hand but stops, seeing the note tucked in there. “How?”

“Louis.” Is all Zayn has to add.

“Can I?” Liam has his fingers reaching out to the note, but hasn’t taken it yet.

“It’s yours, babe. Take it.” Zayn carefully removes the note and places it in Liam’s open palm before removing the ring and setting the box aside. Liam melts as he reads, eyes scanning back and forth enough that Zayn is sure he’s read it a dozen times.

“I want to be

in love with you

The same way

I am in

Love with the moon

With the light

Shining

Out of its soul.”

“Flip it over there’s more.” Zayn adds after a few quiet moments, Liam having taken Zayn’s free hand in his. Liam turns the card over to read the rest, this part written by Zayn.

I love you in the moonlight, while we gaze up at the stars. I love you in the sun, when we’re blinded by the day.

I love you when we lay in the rain, or play in the snow, or dance in the wind, or spend the day inside and never bother to find out what the weather’s like. It’s most honest to say that I love you through all time, because you are you in every circumstance or condition.

And those moments when I have found myself in the darkness, or lost in the maze, or fighting for air, you are eternally there, pointing me back towards life. Your love is the only guide I will ever need.

You keep me warm, you inspire my mind, and you know my heart.

You are my light.

Z

“A little postscript to the inscription.” Zayn adds when Liam just sits with the note in his hand, still reading it, flipping it from one side to the other. He finally looks back up at Zayn and sets the note aside so he can put his hand on Zayn’s cheek.

“I love you. And I’m still sorry that language is inadequate and that’s the closest I can get to explaining how I feel about you.” Liam leans forward for a kiss, Zayn giving it gladly, Liam’s ring now warm in his hand where it’s been waiting for the right moment. “Can I give you your thimble now?”

Liam laughs into the kiss at that and nods, sitting back enough so they’re facing each other and holding out his left hand. Zayn takes it, kisses his rose tattoo, and gently slides the ring on Liam’s ring finger. Liam can feel the heat from Zayn’s hand that’s been transferred, as if he needed to put a bit of his own light into the ring before giving it to Liam. It feels so right, so comfortable to have the ring on, as if he’s been ready to wear it for a long time. Which, he supposes he has. Liam stares down at his hand for a moment before holding it up and showing it off to Zayn.

“Well. What do you think?” He does the single ladies move with the ring, making Zayn giggle and catch his hand again.

“Perfect. I love the roses. And it looks like it belongs.” Zayn kisses the ring in its new home, knowing that kissing Liam’s ring is about to become another one of his habits.

“Your turn now. Close your eyes.” Liam laughs when Zayn decides to move them so Liam is sideways on the sofa and Zayn is laying with his back on Liam’s chest. Some things never change. “Okay but are your eyes closed?”

“Yes, fiancé dearest. Mine eyes be closed.” Zayn smirks when Liam pokes him in the side before leaning over and picking up the remaining box from the coffee table. He feels Liam’s hand gently cover his eyes. Smart. He had in fact been peeking already. He snuggles back into Liam’s chest and waits, taking a deep breath and finding comfort in being surrounded by his person. “Hold me. I’ll keep my eyes closed. Promise.”

Liam hesitates a moment, but moves his arm to Zayn’s waist instead, holding them together. Zayn immediately puts his own arms around Liam’s, squeezing tight. “You plan on breathing in that death grip, Z?” Liam teases, opening up the box slowly and smiling again when he sees the ring.

“If I die from cuddles, I die from cuddles. It’s how I’d want to go.” Zayn, true to his word, still has his eyes closed, but he relaxes his grip a bit on Liam’s arm.

“I’d rather have a good long life with you. Oh, and you can open your eyes now.” Liam holds his breath, waiting for Zayn’s reaction. The first thing he hears is a soft gasp followed by, “oh.” Zayn pushes himself further into Liam’s chest and brings Liam’s arm up higher, holding it like a lifeline. Liam can feel Zayn’s heart racing beneath his arm, but then Zayn reaches out a tentative hand and touches the ring as if he can’t believe it’s real.

“It’s for me.” Zayn whispers, taking his hand back again. Liam isn’t quite sure what this reaction is, but he doesn’t think it’s a negative one.

“Of course it’s for you. It’s what you wanted, right?” Liam carefully takes the ring out of the box and holds it in his palm, the inscription glinting up at them both.

“It’s…Liam it’s exactly what I always wanted. But it’s real. It feels different having it be real.” Zayn touches it again with just his fingertip where it now lays in Liam’s hand, as if it could burn him.

“Different how?” Liam moves his left hand up from Zayn’s waist to rub his chest, see if he can calm him down a bit.

“Not sure.” Zayn stills for a moment while he thinks. “It’s like…I think I’m as happy and in love as I can possibly be, and then another thing happens, another reminder that this is forever, and somehow that love gets even deeper. Like seeing the ring I’ll be wearing for the rest of my life…I told you I like physical reminders. I think this is why. This ring means you want to keep me forever. For as long as we’re here. And I already know that, I can feel it in every moment together. But having this ring, it’s a reminder I can hold in my hand.”

“That’s beautiful.” Liam kisses the back of Zayn’s neck and hugs him one armed. “Do you want me to put it on you?”

“Wait. I want to read it.” Zayn picks it up from Liam’s palm and inspects the inside carefully, mumbling the French phrase under his breath before setting it back down in Liam’s hand delicately. “You may thimble me now.” Liam can hear the tears in his voice, even if he’s trying to make a joke.

“You like it?” Liam asks, holding up the ring to the light, as if there’s any doubt. “Cuz you know I could always have them change it.”

“Don’t you dare.” Zayn pulls Liam’s hand holding the ring back down towards them, making Liam chuckle. “It’s perfect and you’re a big softie and I would like it on my hand now. Please.”

“Well hold your hand out. Bit difficult when you still have my arm trapped.” Liam laughs again when Zayn removes his left hand, holding it up like he’s inspecting his nails before offering it towards Liam’s right hand, waiting. Liam easily slips the ring onto Zayn’s finger, bringing it up to give it a kiss, just like Zayn did. Zayn rotates so he’s laying on Liam’s chest sideways, his face turned so he can listen to Liam’s heartbeat.

Zayn holds out his hand in front of him, staring at the ring and smiling. “I’m very happy right now.” He sighs and lets his hand drop, pulling Liam’s arms to hold him again.

“Me too. So incredibly happy, Z.” Liam kisses the top of Zayn’s head, settling in to snuggle for a bit. But before he can get comfortable Zayn starts climbing out of his lap, removing one arm at a time and looking like a confused baby deer, all limbs and not sure what to do with them. “Babe, what are you doing?” Liam reaches up to steady Zayn at the waist while he gets to his feet.

“Have to get your engagement present. Don’t move.” Zayn turns back to give Liam a kiss on the forehead before shuffling to the guest room, Francine taking that as her cue to follow him, stretching and trotting at his heels. Like parent, like child. Liam sits up and closes both the ring boxes, pushing them to the edge of the coffee table and out of the way. Soon enough, Zayn walks back into the living room, a large clothing box in their arms.

“Francine, would you please go to your bed?” As if she understands perfectly, she walks straight back over to her bed and lays like a sphynx, watching Zayn sit back down next to Liam and set the box on the coffee table. “Don’t want any of her fur on this just yet.” Zayn adds to Liam, one hand on his knee, the other on top of the box, holding it closed.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Zayn.” Liam takes the hand that’s on his knee and gives it a squeeze. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you owe me anything.”

“Excuse me, I will shower you with gifts and love and whatever else I please. It’s one of the perks of being yours.” Zayn leans over to kiss Liam’s cheek. “Now let me give you this very important thing, but I want to explain it because it has layers. Literally and figuratively.”

“Am I meant to open it myself or is this more of a presentation?” Liam has himself crowded into Zayn’s space, putting his head on Zayn’s shoulder and holding him close.

“Go ahead. I want to give you a moment to process before I start in with my explanation. I’m sure most of it you can figure out yourself, but I know those things matter and I want you to know how much love went into it.” Zayn picks up the box while he talks, laying it in Liam’s lap and turning to face him, putting a hand on his cheek before letting it drop back to his side.

Liam runs his hands along the outside of the box, taking his time before slowly removing the lid. Staring up at him is a square of black canvas with a large pink triangle and the words PREJUDICE MAKES PRISONERS OF BOTH THE HATED AND THE HATER in white fabric paint. Liam lets his fingers trail over the words, trying his best to focus and not just fall apart on the spot. He’s failing already, tears obscuring his view of the gift in his lap. “Zayn,” he manages to whisper softly, and he feels Zayn’s hand on his neck, his thumb rubbing tiny circles.

“I know it’s a lot. Take your time.” Zayn keeps his hand there, waiting for Liam to calm down a bit before telling him the next bit. He watches Liam trace each letter, outline the triangle with his index finger, feeling the fabric under his gentle touch as if it’ll tear if he moves any quicker. “Why don’t you take it out of the box, babe?” Zayn softly suggests, knowing he needs to be reminded it’s not just for looking at.

Liam delicately picks up the jacket and places the box aside, holding his gift in his lap now. “This is already so much to process, and you haven’t told me about it yet.”

“Why don’t you turn it over? There’s more to see.” Zayn kisses the side of Liam’s head and whispers, “Look closely.”

So Liam does just that, turning the jacket over in his hands and eyes widening when he sees that the colour inside of the jacket matches the triangle on the back. But he looks closer, knowing there’s more. And when he does he notices an embroidered triangle, a twin to the painted one of the reverse, that exactly matches the colour of the fabric.

“It’s reversible.” Zayn mumbles, hand on Liam’s back now while he watches him inspecting the pink side of the jacket “I’ll explain why in a minute. But it’s not going to break, Liam. It’s for you to wear. And hopefully for a long time. Try it on if you like, make sure it feels right.”

“Not yet. I want to understand it first. I can feel how much love you put into this, but I know there’s more I’m not seeing yet. And I want to see it. Then I want to have you help me put it on and never take it off.” Liam’s hands have stilled, turning towards Zayn now and waiting for an explanation.

“I think you missed something in the box. Take another look.” Zayn tilts his head towards the discarded box on the table, seeing the pink envelope hidden in with the tissue paper. “Maybe something handwritten.” Liam’s brow wrinkles in confusion before spotting what he missed, reaching out to grab it and setting it atop the jacket in his lap.

“Will you read it to me?” Liam looks to Zayn, his eyes full of love, and also quite a few tears. He doesn’t even know what it is yet, the envelope still unopened.

“It’s too long to read the whole thing now, but I’ll read you the last bit. It’s the part I put in bold. But I wrote out the whole thing since I know how much you love this poem and you like it when I handwrite things.” Zayn kisses Liam while taking the envelope from his hands. “And I love you. Feel like I haven’t said that in about five minutes so it’s overdue.” Liam kisses him back, feeling like they’re in one of those moments where they exist outside of time. “I love you too.”

Zayn clears his throat jokingly while unfolding the letter and starts to read, the humour in his voice replaced with solemnity, with reverence:

“You have waited, you always wait, you dumb, beautiful minister,

We receive you with free sense at last, and are insatiate henceforward,

Not you any more shall be able to foil us, or withhold yourselves from us,

We use you, and do not cast you aside - we plant you permanently within us,

We fathom you not - we love you - there is perfection in you also,

You furnish your parts toward eternity,

Great or small, you furnish your parts toward the soul.”

Zayn finishes reading and refolds the pages, tucking them safely back in the envelope. He feels Liam move before he has time to do anything else, in one movement taking the envelope from Zayn and setting both it and the jacket back in the box. He grabs Zayn’s face in both of his hands and kisses him deep, gently laying him back against his side of the sofa, Zayn’s arms pulling him in closer so they can kiss comfortably, wrapped around each other. Liam talks through their snogging, his voice earnest and rough. “You beautiful person, you remarkable man, you wonderful partner, what on earth have I ever done to deserve you?” He pauses to breathe for a moment, Zayn feeling like his lips are on fire. When Liam kisses him like this the only option is to revel in the warmth. Liam loves so gently that the lightest touch could bring Zayn to tears.

“Whitman, and my favourite poem. And I still don’t know all about my gift yet, but I know. I know that you understand how much it means to me. To have something like that jacket, a connection to history. A way to know everyone we lost along the way, just as sure as the Brooklyn Ferry.” Liam hasn’t stopped kissing Zayn, pressing his words into Zayn’s mouth and his neck and his cheeks, hoping some of what he’s feeling will be transferred through his lips. Zayn is responding with his whole body, hands caressing Liam’s face and chest and back while they kiss, legs wrapped around him to hold him close, hips moving with purpose, both of them groaning as their bodies collide. They hear a tiny huff of annoyance and both pause before giggling and turning their heads to see Francine looking very put out, paws crossed in front of her where she’s laying on her bed.

“She’s told us off, I think.” Liam laughs softly before giving Zayn another kiss. “Nothing too raunchy in front of the dog, it would seem.”

“She has so many rules. Should’ve come with a manual, honestly.” Zayn kisses Liam again before turning back to Francine. “You’ll have to go to the guest room if it bothers you that much.” And with that she gets up and wanders out of the room, and moments later they hear her hop up onto Zayn’s old bed, causing both of them to break out laughing, Liam burying his head in Zayn’s chest.

“Are we absolutely sure we adopted a dog?” Liam can’t believe they’ve only had her a few weeks and she already runs their life. “Never known a dog like her.”

“She’s our dog, no doubt about it. How did she live nine years with anyone else?” Zayn caresses Liam’s cheek and tucks a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “One of these days I’ll find her reading Tolstoy and I won’t even be surprised.”

“I’d rather she started with Turgenev if she’s getting to know the Russians, but she’s an advanced reader.” Liam kisses Zayn once more before sitting up, taking Zayn with him. He reaches to pick up the jacket again and hold it in his hands, laying it across both of their laps. “Will you tell me now? I want to hear all of it. All your thoughts and your considerations and your tiny secrets hidden in the stitches.”

Zayn picks up Liam’s left hand and kisses the ring shining there, keeping Liam’s hand in his when he lets it fall back to their laps. “I’ll get the logistical things out of the way first, since they’re important but the least interesting. First, I worked with Harris to design it. The concept and the quote and all of that was mine, but he picked the right colours and fabric, used recycled and vintage deadstock from the 80s and colour matched everything perfectly. Made sure it was historically adequate without being a direct reproduction, since I didn’t want that. I’ll get to that in a minute. And because it’s Harris’ work you know it will last all your life, so just know that I want you to wear it as often as you like. A piece of love from me and maybe a bit of armour against the world that you can wear on those broad shoulders that I love so much.” Zayn kisses the one nearest him when he finishes the thought.

“I figured Harris was involved. How is it that all of our friends are so talented?” Liam fidgets with the neckline before letting it drop again. “Tell me about the black side of the jacket next?” Liam adjusts it with his free hand so the triangle is directly under his flattened palm.

“Well obviously you recognize the reference to the original. David Wojnarowicz is one of the first queer artists and activists you studied. So you know where the idea came from. For a day or two I toyed with the thought of finding you an actual vintage pink triangle jacket, but I didn’t think you would want to wear a piece of history, and I could never feel alright with paying for someone’s memories in that way, and it would feel equally immoral to NOT pay for one if it was gifted to me for you. So I gave up on that line of reasoning. Though interestingly I did find one at auction, and I purchased it before it ended up somewhere it shouldn’t. But then I found the sister of the man it had belonged to through instagram and sent it to her through the post. As far as I know she has it in her own wardrobe now, a piece of her brother to remember him by.”

“That’s remarkable. I can’t even imagine what that must mean to her.” Liam wipes away a tear with his right hand and kisses Zayn’s hand that’s still held in his left. “Now you’ve given me the idea to start looking for these sorts of things at auctions and online and making it my mission to return them to where they belong.”

“I actually reached out to Louis about that. He thinks we could incorporate it into the charity he’s helping me build. Oh and the sister has actually heard of you because you interviewed one of her brother’s friends over the summer. And she said she would love to tell you about her brother when you have the time. Her name is Martha and she lives in Kettering.” Zayn really should be used to Liam completely surrounding him with hugs by now, but he still sighs and snuggles in closer every time. Liam holds him tight and mumbles near his ear, “I want you to come with me on that one. Please.” Zayn nods and squeezes Liam back, so in love with the man in his arms. Liam releases Zayn from the hug with a kiss to the forehead before looking back at the jacket. “Tell me more?”

“Well that’s the design part of it. I didn’t think you would want a direct recreation, because the ethics of that given that it’s a piece of both art and political history, and knowing how its inspiration is being used for the BLM and gun control movements, among others, would make you hesitant to insert yourself into those conversations. So I decided on more of an homage than a copy, at least for you. I’m sure others have perfectly good reasons for reproductions, but that wasn’t what I wanted yours to be. Does that make sense?” Zayn waits to make sure he’s explaining his thought process properly.

“It makes perfect sense. You anticipated my feelings exactly right. You know me, Z. That was never in doubt, but you really do know me exceptionally well.” Liam smiles when Zayn leans forward to kiss his cheek again in response. “And the quote? It’s from And The Band Played On, I think?”

“It is. I remember how much that book affected you in your first year of university. We’ve each read it a few times, and both the overall message of the book, along with this specific quote, seemed timeless. Perfect for you to pay tribute to all those we’ve lost to AIDS and to other societal prejudices. And I can hear you saying something just as eloquent, to your students or to a relative or to someone at the shops. It has your heart, even if you didn’t write it…And maybe I couldn’t pass up the connection to my own engagement gift.” Zayn smiles with a hint of mischief now, waiting for Liam to put that together.

“So not only have you given me the most thoughtful and useful and wonderful gift of all time, you’ve also managed to tie it to our engagement and to something that means enough to you that it’s already being written into your will?” Liam smiles wide before wrapping Zayn in another hug.

“Liam I love you a revolutionary amount, but if you keep tackling me I will never finish explaining your jacket.” Zayn hugs him back and bites his neck softly, laughing loudly when Liam bites him right back before sitting up again.

“Fine. I will try to contain my need for full body contact until after you finish your explanation. Just know it’s taking a lot of restraint. Because you are exceptional.” Liam takes Zayn’s hand again, needing at least some point of contact.

Zayn kisses him, shaking his head fondly at this absolutely adorable man he’s with. “That’s the most important parts of that side, so turn it inside out so I can tell you about the reverse.” Liam takes his hand back to do as Zayn said, carefully turning the sleeves the other way around and placing the embroidered triangle face up in his lap. “So I know the black side can be maybe a bit too loud for you to wear all the time. But I still want you to be able to wear it, especially in a circumstance where you feel you can’t safely do so. So you can reverse it and wear this side instead. It’s the same colour as the triangle on the black side, but only you will know that. And I asked Harris to add the embroidered triangle. I know you sometimes feel insecure about being straight passing and how it allows you access to places that other people are not invited. But I also know that if anyone were to give you even a moment of attention they would see the full you, the beautiful, queer, intelligent, amazing person that you are. So the triangle on this side might blend in, but if anyone looks closely, it’s there, ready to be seen and admired.”

Liam is close to tears again, holding the jacket up to get a closer look at the embroidery again. “Is there something written here? It’s tiny.”

“It says I am loved just in case you ever have a doubt in your mind. No one else will see it. That is just for you, to know it’s there and have my love written close to your heart.” Zayn traces the words with his own fingers before tangling them with Liam’s. “You are so loved, Liam. By so many. And especially by me. I don’t want you to ever forget it. And I hope that carrying that love with you will keep you warm.”

“Can I request that full body contact now?” Liam looks to Zayn, a hand under their chin so he can look into those beautiful eyes, Liam’s face so full of love and peace, as if being seen the way only Zayn can is the only thing he’ll ever need.

“Of course. I’ve explained it as well as I can, I think. If I forgot something I’ll tell you later.” Zayn stands up and pulls Liam with him by their joined hands. “We’ve got plenty of time before we have to be anywhere.” Zayn starts walking backwards toward their bedroom, Liam happily following along.

“What are the chances we can love each other with our bodies for an hour or so?” Liam pulls Zayn into him for a kiss, making him stumble a bit and catch himself on Liam’s shoulders.

“I would love that. But afterwards we should probably let little miss Fran take us for a walk. And let you wear your new jacket for a test drive.” Zayn walks them backwards through their bedroom doorway now, falling softly onto their bed and letting Liam move them both to rest on the pillows.

They spend the next two hours absorbed in each other, fucking and loving and kissing and laughing, delighting in the way they come together. They breathe life between those sheets, their bodies moving through each moment as if they were made to fit, intertwined. Their shared light removing them from time to love each other inside of an infinity all their own.

***

@ZMalik posts a selfie of the two of them. They’re smiling at each other, Zayn’s left hand on Liam’s face with his new ring front and centre. The caption: Thimble.

@LPayne: I literally cannot wait to marry you.

@ZMalik: I love my ring. It’s perfect.

@HTStyles: It matches you! - H

@Waliyhastagram: So beautiful! 

@SafaaMalik: Was today the day? Liam you did so good it’s what Z’s always wanted!

@S_Music_93: /three white heart emojis/

@tommostyles91: proud of you both. always.

@Nialler: lookin good. love ya

@Doniyadarling: omg Z I love it!

***

@LPayne posts a candid that Zayn took, Francine on her lead and Liam turning over his shoulder to smile at Zayn while on a walk. Liam’s new jacket worn with the black side facing out. The caption: Only one person could make me this happy. I love you, Zayn.

@ZMalik: Thimble.

@LPayne: If you squint you can see it.

@ZMalik: I can see it right now. On your hand in mine.

@LPayne: Never letting go.

@tommostyles91: I was going to comment something nice but then I saw whatever this comment section is and you two are officially whipped. Get a room.

@LPayne: Louis, we are literally at home. In our flat. That we share. It has multiple rooms.

@Nialler: wicked jacket, Payno

@HTStyles: This is such a great picture. You and Francine and Z are all gorgeous together. - H

@ZMalik: I love my fiancé.

@S_Music_93: I might have to borrow Francine. She’s the cutest dog.

@LPayne: I love my fiancé more.

@tommostyles91: I rest my case.

@Nicolathepayne: these comments are so gay chaotic, but you look absolutely radiant. Give Francine a treat from her Aunty Nic :)

***

@jmzbrandan tweets a picture of their hands together, Zayn’s hand mostly covering Liam’s rose tattoo, engagement rings visible, captioned: Some wonderful news to share with you, my lovely readers. I’m engaged to the most incredible man and I could not be happier. I hope that one day you all are as loved and adored and seen and inspired as I am. Love, always. xx JMZ

***

“So, how’s the cat?” Niall asks once they have a beer each, all six of them crowded around a circular booth near the back of the karaoke bar.

“Ask Zayn yourself, they’re right here.” Liam answers before sipping his beer, glad his Batman mask doesn’t interfere with that or any other mouth related activities he might have planned. Like snogging Zayn senseless on the dance floor once the karaoke is done.

“He meant Francine, obviously.” Louis says without looking away from the stage. Some random is currently destroying White Houses and not in a good way. It’s a car crash and Louis can’t stop watching.

“I will have you know I thought she barked yesterday.” Zayn shoots back at Niall, so immediately protective of his dog. Niall laughs immediately because Zayn is in fact dressed like a cat and basically just verbally hissed at him. Well, they’re dressed as Catwoman so close enough.

“But did she bark though?” H asks, their voice low under the music. He’s happily bopping along to the karaoke, keeping his head resting on Louis’ shoulder. They’re seated between the two new couples like a solid anchor in the middle of the group.

“No, it was more of a grumble. But she did give us a new rule today.” Zayn laughs and looks at Liam, tilting his head (adorned with cat ears) to have him explain.

“Her parents aren’t allowed to move past second base in her presence, apparently.” Liam rolls his eyes and leans back into Zayn’s arm where it’s draped across his shoulders, his cape getting more rumpled by the second. “And she still understands English way too well to be a normal dog. Full sentences, and they never have to be repeated.”

“Are you absolutely sure she belonged to someone else before you and didn’t just pop into existence the day you went to the shelter?” Shawn says from across the table, shouting over the now ear splitting singing. His Sherlock Holmes attempt is doing double duty as both a fan deterrent and an incognito couple’s costume with Niall’s Watson.

“I’m not sure of anything with Francine. But she’s perfectly ours. And maybe one day she’ll act like a dog and surprise us all.” Liam kisses Zayn on the cheek, Zayn turning his face so they can kiss properly, some of their lipstick transferring to Liam in the process. He wipes Liam’s lips free of the cherry red stain with his thumb, accompanied by a fond smile.

“Well Clifford is her biggest fan. I mention her name and he gets the zoomies.” H pulls out their phone from a mysterious hidden pocket of their Morticia Addams gown. “And look at this from when Z and I took them to the park last week.” They turn their screen around to show a video of Clifford following Francine like a duckling, despite being easily three times her size. Francine is walking calmly down the sidewalk, lead held loosely in Zayn’s hand while Clifford is making tiny steps to stay just behind her, carefully following her every move.

“D’you know, when we asked about her history all they could tell us was that she just showed up one morning, waiting politely outside the receiving door for the morning shift to arrive. No tags or collar, and not microchipped. They had her for months, expecting someone to claim her since she was clearly a family dog. No one ever did. And they said in that whole time she was never anything but polite. One of them even called her the Countess, which I found exceptionally fitting.” Liam snuggles closer into Zayn’s side while he’s talking, Zayn kissing the top of his head between the bat ears. “And apparently other people didn’t want to adopt her because she doesn’t have enough energy or something.”

“That’s rubbish. She has plenty of energy, she just focuses it differently.” Louis looks surprisingly good as Gomez, the pencil thin moustache frowning with him as he finally tears his gaze away from the stage to pay more attention to the conversation. “Smartest dog I’ve ever met. Who cares if those other people didn’t see that. She was meant to be with the two of you.”

The noise from the karaoke dies down a bit as the next person takes the stage, this time choosing to theatre kid their way through an Adele ballad. Liam brings his left hand up to hold Zayn’s where it’s draped above his chest, playing with Zayn’s new ring absentmindedly. The other four notice immediately, smiles growing as they shoot glances at each other.

“What you got there, Payno?” Niall smirks at Liam from across the table before taking a sip of his Guinness.

Liam keeps fiddling with a confused look on his face but Zayn rolls his eyes and brings his arm over Liam’s head with their hands still connected. He kisses the side of Liam’s mouth, then brings their joined hands up to show off their rings to the others. “They’re looking at our taken tokens. Surprised we made it this far without the mocking if I’m honest.” 

“Thimble.” Liam says, pouting at Zayn who just grins and kisses him briefly before turning back to their friends and putting his arm back around Liam.

“According to Batman they’re thimbles. And yes, they’re perfect. No I won’t take it off to show you because if we drop it on this floor it’ll be lost to the gay void.” Zayn pauses to sip his own beer and waits. And sure enough-

“I like taken token. What’s wrong with that name?” From H.

“You’re welcome by the way.” From Louis.

“That’s so sweet. I saw the pictures so I know they’re perfect.” From Shawn.

“Gay void. Band name. Called it.” From Niall.

“Jesus, one at a time.” Liam laughs at the predictably simultaneous reaction, deciding where to start. “H, it’s a thimble because of Peter Pan. It’s a cute Peter and Wendy thing. And I don’t want Zayn to feel taken, I want him to feel partnered.”

“But maybe I want to be taken.” Zayn’s turn to pout now, making Liam roll his eyes and slide his right hand onto Zayn’s knee giving it a squeeze.

“Lou, I’m assuming that was about the note you snuck to the jeweller. In which case thank you for helping Z surprise me.” Liam pauses to get a kiss from Zayn who decides to be a bit naughty and slips his tongue in Liam’s mouth, making him absolutely melt and everyone else around the table groan. When Zayn pulls away Liam follows him for a moment before realising and flushing. “What were we talking about?” He’s still staring at Zayn’s mouth as if hypnotised.

“Niall you can’t have a band name if you’re not in a band.” Zayn answers, continuing from where Liam got distracted, and once again wiping a bit of lipstick off Liam’s face. “And thank you, Shawn. They are perfect. Perfect ring from a perfect man.”

“Absolutely nauseating.” Louis says with a wide smile. “Can’t wait to embarrass the both of you with my best man speech.”

“Speaking of which,” H leans closer to them across Louis, “Any update on a wedding date? Can’t promise anything, but…we may have a kid to contribute to the guest list. Fingers crossed.”

“Fuck really? Everything crossed. Fingers, toes, whatever anatomy allows.” Zayn pulls H close across the table for a very inconvenient but necessary hug. They sit back down, H with slightly teary eyes and Louis looking like he’s glowing now, pulling his spouse into his side and whispering in their ear.

“That’s incredible. Is it official?” Liam braces a hand on Louis’ shoulder, practically bouncing up and down in the booth.

“No still waiting on some paperwork to go through and even then it’s all about placement. But…things are progressing. We’re really going to be parents.” Louis is answering all of them, but only has eyes for Harry.

“Fuck me. This is unbelievable. Didn’t know it could happen so soon.” Niall tussles H’s hair before slapping Louis on the back. “We have to throw you some sort of celebration. First of us to be parents…” Niall whistles softly, looking off in the middle distance.

“Keep us updated, yeah? I know I travel a lot and I’m busy but you’re all important to me too. And I can’t wait to meet your kid.” Shawn’s smile is so genuine and shy, like he thinks he doesn’t have a right to ask to be included in such monumental news.

“Of course.” Harry answers immediately, reaching out and laying his hand on top of Shawn’s. “You’re part of this family now, too. And our kid is going to be so lucky to have Uncle Shawn to look up to!” Shawn squeezes H’s hand gratefully with a small smile before Harry resettles next to Louis.

“April.” Zayn adds, making everyone turn to look at him confused. “We understandably got distracted by parenthood but April. Potentially the 25th but it isn’t finalised yet.”

“Wedding.” Liam clarifies as the rest of them nod in understanding. “It’ll probably be the 25th since that’s what Z wants, so I guess mark your calendars. We’ll be sending outrageously beautiful invitations when it’s official, but you’re the first to know. Obviously.”

“Karen was the first to know.” Louis says, chuckling. “There’s no way Zayn didn’t run the dates by her before even you, Liam.”

“I’m not ashamed of that.” Zayn finishes a sip of his beer before giving Liam a very moist kiss on the cheek. “Besides, Liam doesn’t care about when.”

“True. But we are both planning the rest of it together.” Liam ignores the eye roll from Louis. “I’m picking the flowers and mum is helping me arrange them. Decided I wanted to do at least one thing myself.”

“You two are honestly so cute.” Niall sends them a genuine smile before flailing and turning around to face the stage when he hears his song called out. “MY TURN.” He all but yells, shoving at Shawn to move out of the booth so he can get to the stage, kissing his cheek on the way.

“Someone record this for me? I want to watch properly.” Shawn looks like a love sick puppy while he watches Niall take the microphone in hand. H pulls out their phone, careful to frame the video so both Shawn and Niall can be seen clearly.

“This is a song for the most important man in my life: Mr. Sherlock Holmes.” Niall winks in their direction and Shawn giggles as the opening notes of Teenage Dream play through the shitty pub speakers. The gay Glee version, obviously.

“Sometimes I forget how fucking talented Niall is, Jesus.” Zayn whispers to Liam, not wanting to ruin this moment for Shawn. “How on earth did he ever give up music?”

“He made the choice he had to make. He can still sing and play guitar and piano and all the rest, just without the pressure.” Liam is equally impressed by Niall on stage, now partway through the first verse. He’s the only person they’ve heard all night who can actually sing, and more than that, he’s a born performer. Something comes alive when Niall’s on that stage. Every person in the pub has their attention firmly held by Niall while he serenades Shawn, his eyes never leaving his boyfriend for a single moment. Louis notices a few people glance in their direction, but luckily it’s dark and so far it seems no one has clocked Shawn. He’s not sure how much longer that will last, but there’s no one videoing except H right now.

Niall has the entire pub in a thrall, completely silent now with everyone watching, a bit shocked since this is basically just drunk gay karaoke and instead they’re hearing what could be a professional performance. Shawn is absolutely beaming, stars in his eyes while he admires Niall. The two of them are in a world entirely their own, the other four watching them fondly, so incredibly glad that Niall has finally found someone who makes him so unbelievably happy. As Niall finishes the song and the music dies down the pub erupts in applause. Niall waves them off before taking a small bow with a laugh. He holds up a hand and signals to the DJ before leaning into the mic again.

“Now this next song is a surprise for the idiots I brought with me who will now be joining me up on stage. Come on, up you get.” Niall waves them over and waits while the five of them look around the table at each other before Louis nudges H and Liam on each side of him saying, “Come on, get a move on. Can’t leave Neil hanging.” They make their way up to the stage, Shawn adjusting his fake moustache and pulling his hat a bit lower on his face, but with a wide grin. He loves any excuse to perform, even if it is a bit risky.

“Good. Now, I know you all know this one. If you would,” Niall signals once more to the DJ to start the next song, the six of them overcrowding the stage as the opening notes to Waterloo come across the speakers. “And the rest of you degenerates feel free to sing along.” Niall is working the crowd now while the others (except Shawn who’s just incredibly whipped) roll their eyes and start in on the parts they’ve been singing practically since they were born.

It’s fun and it’s loud and it’s gay and it’s joy. All six of them laugh their way through the song, banter thrown in as they go, Shawn not even bothering to change his voice, and the end of the song comes way too soon. The rest of the crowd loves it and they start a chant for an encore, all of them on stage laughing so hard they can’t breathe until the DJ starts playing Dancing Queen. So of course they stay for one more song, this time letting the crowd do most of the singing while their group stands in a line with their arms around each other, eventually just dancing along to the music with reckless abandon.

It’s a perfect night.

***

Back home in their flat, Zayn and Liam cuddle up together on the sofa, freshly showered and in their pjs. Zayn lays on Liam’s chest with Francine curled up on his lap. They have the fireplace on and the soundtrack to Pride and Prejudice is playing softly in the background. They both have books to read, but Zayn fell asleep a few minutes ago, his book folded on his chest while he breathes deeply, completely relaxed on top of Liam. Liam keeps reading for a few more minutes, free hand trailing his fingers through Zayn’s beautiful hair.

Liam sets his and Zayn’s books aside and nods at Francine to hop down from the couch. Gently, without waking him, Liam takes Zayn in his arms and carries him into bed, tucking him in with a kiss to the side of his mouth when he stirs and starts to pout. Pausing to get Francine from where she’s waiting in the hallway, Liam pats the duvet until she curls up at the foot of the bed. Liam turns off the lamps and lays himself in Zayn’s arms, smiling when Zayn wraps himself around Liam in his sleep and presses a sleepy kiss to the back of his neck.

“Love you. Forever,” Zayn mumbles, barely awake. “Love you for always.” Liam answers, yawning wide. “S’long as I’m living.” Zayn manages to whisper before falling back into sleep. Francine lets out a sigh and settles in for her long winter’s nap at her dads’ feet. Liam drifts off soon after, warm in the arms of his partner. Their little family is asleep and at peace, together and whole, a beautiful light.

Chapter Text

LA VIE EN ROSE

Zayn and Liam are stood near the back of the living room, glasses of champagne in hand while they listen to the last of the speeches. Karen gathered all of the families at the Payne house to celebrate Zayn’s book after his refusal of a more elaborate celebration. And after some coaxing, he agreed to allow a series of toasts. Luckily the only saps had been the Paynes and his dad, and Louis had gone on a bit of a proud big brother rant for a minute before reverting to embarrassing stories and teasing.

“Liam?” Zayn leans into his side and whispers in his ear, trying not to pull attention from Maura’s brief but genuine congratulatory toast. Liam leans in and hums in response, waiting for Zayn to ask his question, putting one hand on his lower back.

“Not here. I don’t want to hear yours here.” Zayn turns his head, waiting until their eyes meet. “Alone. Please.”

Liam stares back for a moment before nodding slowly. He tilts his head slightly, the unspoken question about if Z is okay clear in his eyes. Zayn nods back and turns to face the group again, taking a sip of his champagne and swallowing past the lump in his throat, willing the tears to wait just a little while longer. Maura finishes her toast and Geoff takes over, the last speech of the night if Liam won’t be sharing his.

“Zayn. You have done something truly remarkable, and I am so proud to have you as one of our kids. Your book is going to help so many people, and I know it’s just the beginning for you. Cheers.” Geoff raises his glass after just a few sentences, catching the room off guard, everyone else laughing before joining in.

“Short and sweet. Just like Louis.” Harry says before clinking their glasses together. The two of them are standing in the opposite corner of the room from Zayn and Liam, Louis taking his unnervingly keen attention away from them to turn to Harry and say, “I’m above average height. I’ll google it again if I have to.”

“Give it a rest, Lou.” Lottie tosses a crisp in his direction from her spot on the floor with Gemma and Ruth. 

Louis is looking back across the room at Liam and Zayn now, and he can tell that Zayn is about five seconds from being not okay in front of everyone. He catches Liam’s eye and an understanding passes between them.

“Liam, your-” Karen starts, but gets cut off by Louis interrupting and a subtle shake of Liam’s head when she glances their way.

“Mum, didn’t you say you and Anne found some pictures from the early days that you wanted to bring out?” Louis gets everyone’s attention switched to the mums just in time for Zayn to slip out into the hallway, Liam just steps behind them.

Zayn is frozen in the entryway, arms at his side and mostly full glass forgotten on the hall table. Liam can feel his stillness like a wave crashing all around them, unnaturally harsh and chilling. He sets his own glass aside and takes the last few steps until he’s just behind Zayn, cautiously setting a hand on his lower back so he knows Liam is there.

Immediately, so quickly that Liam can’t react in time, Zayn turns himself around and buries his face in Liam’s chest, his entire body crumpling like his life is leaking out of him and all that’s left is a painful shell. He isn’t even crying, doesn’t seem to have enough energy in him to cry, just collapsing further into himself and letting Liam support his dead weight. Holding him close and doing his best to keep him upright, Liam starts figuring out how to get him out of here and upstairs where he can have the space he needs. Maybe the party was too much, but it was already so little in comparison to what he deserved.

Liam hears a footstep and turns his head to see his mom peeking her head into the hallway. The noise coming from the living room tells him everyone else is busy and won’t notice they’re gone for a few minutes. It takes her one glance to know the state that Zayn is in right now.

“Why don’t you two go up. Let me know if you need anything.” Karen walks over to them and kisses the top of Zayn’s head gently where it’s visible above Liam’s arms. He lets out a noise that’s closest to a gasp and mumbles, “Thanks, mum,” not moving and feeling Liam’s arms tighten around him.

“Tell Yaser I’m taking him upstairs? He and the girls are staying tonight, right?” Liam waits for his mom to nod. “I think we’re done for the night. Tell him we’ll see him in the morning, and I’ll text both of you if we need anything.” He feels Zayn shiver in his arms, a sign he’s coming back into his body, even if only for a moment. Liam looks at his mom one last time, tilting his head towards the living room and mouthing “thank you” over the top of Zayn’s head. She blows him a kiss before heading back into the party, ready to cover their absence with grace and humour, knowing she can rely on Louis to distract at least the younger crowd if needed.

“Let’s go up to the loft. You think you can walk?” Liam rubs his hand across Zayn’s back, hoping to get some feeling back in his body. Zayn doesn’t answer for a moment, Liam’s words having to filter through the haze he’s drowning in before he can try to put their meaning together.

“Think so. Just numb. And tired. So fucking tired, Liam.” Zayn finally lets out a tiny sob but catches it in his throat, starting to pull himself out of Liam’s arms. Turning around, Zayn faces the stairs and lets out a sigh, the task suddenly Sisyphian, Zayn very much drifting away again thinking about the futility of it all and the unbearable pain he can’t escape. But he feels Liam’s hand on his back, holding him up and applying a gentle pressure in the right direction. Liam will catch him if his legs give out, or if he just…can’t.

It takes them over a minute to get up to the loft, but Zayn made it without a single stumble, able to focus on Liam, his hand on his back, his voice reminding him how many steps were left, his presence like a light in the fog of Zayn’s mind. Liam opens the door and guides Zayn inside before closing the door behind them, locking it so that no one from downstairs will disturb them. Hearing the door close seems to wake Zayn up and he turns to Liam, suddenly more alert than he’s been all evening. Zayn is safe here and the exhaustion that follows him around was dropped by the door. He can breathe easy now, alone with Liam in a space that has always protected him and let him rest. No expectations or pain, just comfort.

Without thinking about what he’s doing Zayn walks straight up to Liam and takes his face in his hands, kissing him slowly and deliberately. He may not have thought this through, but he knows what he wants, what he needs. Liam kisses him back for a minute before placing a gentle hand on his chest that puts a breath of space between them. His hands move to hold Zayn by the waist and when he looks in their eyes he sees every emotion under the sun. Liam can imagine the maze that Zayn is trying to navigate right now, similar to his own anxiety that is always just beneath the surface.

“Do you still want to hear my speech?” Liam brings their foreheads together and he feels one of Zayn’s hands move to the back of his neck, keeping him close. “It’s okay if you don’t. But I wanted to offer because I don’t know that you heard a word that was said earlier and I want you to know how proud I am, how proud we all are.”

“Yours are the only words I want to hear anyway. The only ones I trust.” Zayn brushes their lips together again. It could almost be imagined if Liam wasn’t so incredibly aware of the tension between them, always present but rarely acted upon. They’ve never talked about it, this thing between them, the way they are together. It’s as if the moment they’re alone everything just fits. They share space, literally, having shared this room and this bed for over a year now, but most days things only go so far as a kiss or two. But then there’s the constant cuddling, the way they hold each other close as soon as they can, the way they sleep wrapped around each other.

Liam is the one who kisses Zayn this time, moving his hands to Zayn’s back and pulling him closer. He feels Zayn warming up, the stillness from earlier falling away, but never disappearing completely. Zayn is so caught up in his own head, only able to focus on a single moment at a time, kissing Liam because it’s the only thing he understands without needing to analyse it. He loves Liam and he knows it’s mutual and he wishes he could just…be. Could let himself fall for Liam in the way he wants, and in the way Liam deserves. So maybe he’s still analysing it, even when he doesn’t have a doubt in his mind that this is what he’s meant to be doing. That loving Liam is the only thing he knows for sure.

“Okay, I want to hear it.” Zayn sniffles, tears having reached his eyes as he thought about how badly he wants to just be able to have this, and have it for real. But he shoves that down with a shake of his head and walks over toward the bed, taking Liam by the hand to join him. Liam waits for Zayn to sit with his legs crossed, back against the headboard and hands folded in his lap before sitting facing them, mirroring his position, but reaching out to take one of Zayn’s hands to hold in his own. Zayn gives him a weak smile before glancing out the window, seeing nothing at all. His free hand fidgets with the hem of his trousers, a small release of his nervous energy.

“I had a bit of it written up, but I think I want to just tell you if that’s alright?” Liam rubs his thumb over Zayn’s knuckles, his hand cold and unmoving until Liam gives it a gentle squeeze. Zayn doesn’t look away from the window but he nods and squeezes back, which is permission enough for Liam to keep talking. “First I need you to know how incredibly proud of you I am. I know everyone has been saying that ever since you told us about your book. But for me it’s genuine. I don’t know anyone else like you, Zayn. I don’t know where you found the time or the energy to write it. But also I know it wasn’t easy to get someone to read it, and then from there, to get an agent and a publisher and all the rest. And you didn’t have anyone’s help. That is…remarkable. There’s no other word for it.”

Zayn glances back at Liam, his eyes clouded with something Liam can’t read. “I had help, Liam. Just not with phone calls or emails. But I had help…you helped.”

“I did? I don’t think so. I mean wouldn’t I know? I didn’t know what you were writing or anything about it so how could I have-” Liam stops mid-sentence when he sees Zayn shaking his head and looking at his own lap, a small smile growing on his face before he stares at Liam again with sparkling eyes. “You helped, Liam. Maybe someday I’ll figure out how to explain it to you, but for now, just know I couldn’t have done any of it without you.” Zayn is searching Liam’s eyes while he talks, looking to see how much he’s understanding. He must understand enough because Liam nods and brings Zayn’s hand up to give it a brief kiss.

“I also want to tell you how much your book means to me, even if it hadn’t been you who wrote it. I don’t mean it doesn’t matter you wrote it, I mean objectively it has mattered to me because of the content and the beautifully honest way it was written.” Liam watches Zayn tilt his head, listening a bit more actively now and he hasn’t looked away again. Zayn hasn’t heard this from anyone else yet. His agent and all the rest had said it was well written and should sell well, but they hadn’t said that it had meant something personal to them. So he waits for Liam to continue, wanting to know if the book did what he wanted. “You know how our families are, and you also know that when we go out in the world away from them it’s not the loving, supportive environment we would want it to be. I think it’s really important that you wrote a book about queer people our age, that you’re a queer person who wrote it, and that it’s going to change lives. Kids who are queer will see themselves in the book, and people who aren’t will learn a lot by reading it. Because the characters are so real, Zayn. You feel like you know them, and because of that you love them. And I think that people who read it will maybe finish the book with a little less hate in their heart and maybe a bit more empathy for the queer people they will encounter. That is such an incredible impact you will have, and I want you to appreciate how brave you have been to write something that can do that.”

Zayn stares hard at Liam for a few seconds, processing and repeating what he said in his head. “Do you really believe that?”

“I do.” Liam nods and smiles warmly at Zayn, never having been more sincere in his life. “Knowing you changes people, and this book you’re sharing with the world is like knowing you. So you are changing the world, Zayn. Even if it feels too big to think about right now, I just want to acknowledge that’s the reality and then we can move past that.”

Liam still has Zayn’s hand in his while they continue to stare at each other, the energy in the room changing for a reason neither of them would be able to explain. Zayn hasn’t moved, but something in him has and Liam can see the change behind his eyes. They’re bright now, no longer as clouded or lost. He’s focusing on Liam and he’s concentrating, memorising what Liam just said and how he looks right now. All he can think about is what he wants, and what he wants is Liam. Even if they’re not ready or if they can’t really talk about it, he can feel the tension between them like a physical pull. As if reading his mind, Liam slowly leans forward onto his knees until he’s just in front of Zayn, still searching his eyes as if he can decipher what he’s supposed to do next. Zayn reaches out his free hand and takes Liam’s face in his hand, tracing his bottom lip before leaning forward and bringing them together in another kiss.

They’re both hesitant at first, kissing gently and not yet moving their bodies together. But as they continue they slowly lay down on the bed together, Zayn underneath Liam, wrapping his arms around him and thinking of nothing but this, of having Liam on top of him and how he wants more. Zayn moves his hands under Liam’s shirt where it’s come undone from his trousers, feeling Liam shiver as his cold hands hit his skin. His hands warm up while caressing Liam’s back, Liam’s hands finding their own way to Zayn’s chest and starting to unbutton his shirt.

After he undoes three of Zayn’s shirt buttons, Liam seems to realise something and stops suddenly, breaking the kiss and flopping off of Zayn to lay beside him. He brings his hands up to cover his face and says, “Sorry. Don’t know what I was thinking.” He only lays there for a moment before he feels Zayn’s hands gently lifting his own off his face. Liam opens his eyes to see Zayn staring down at him, a determined look on his face before he leans down and kisses Liam again, laying his own body on top this time and smiling when he feels Liam’s hands move to his back, holding him close. This is it, this connection is what Zayn has been chasing. “You’re my reason, Liam.” Zayn mumbles it against Liam’s lips and kisses him again so he doesn’t have time to respond.

“Hold on.” Liam breaks their kiss and gently lays Zayn beside him, turning towards him so they’re face to face. “What are we doing here, Z?”

“I love you, Liam.” Zayn caresses Liam’s face while they talk, but his eyes are sad and Liam can feel the sadness because he knows it too. There’s a reason they haven’t taken this all the way before. “Yeah, I - Zayn, I love you, too. I don’t think either of us is very good at pretending otherwise when we’re alone like this.”

“Can we just…can we have tonight? Please?” Zayn’s eyes are wet now, but there’s a lot of love mixed in with the tears. He does love Liam, he just feels a lot of other things at the same time and they’re all mixing together.

“Honestly Zayn, you can have whatever you want.” Liam probably shouldn’t be this honest, should hold back a bit, show some restraint. But his heart is hurting too, and he just wants Zayn to be happy, just one spark of joy or really anything besides the pain that weighs him down.

“I can’t promise more than tonight. I honestly can’t and it’s not fair to pretend otherwise, to either of us.” Zayn scoots himself closer to Liam so they can tangle their legs together. He’s immediately more comfortable just having that extra point of connection.

“Yeah, I know…I don’t think that I can either, Z. I know I love you and I know you love me back, but I don’t think we could handle an us right now.” Liam has tears starting in his own eyes and he feels Zayn brush one away before it can fall. They lay in silence for a minute while they both think about this. They’ve never spoken so openly about them, not since their first kiss 6 years ago. But it’s always been there, on the good days and the bad.

“We can talk about it more. But…please Liam. I need this. I need you. Even if it’s just tonight.” Zayn sounds desperate and heartbroken and Liam wishes he could fix it but he just can’t. There’s nothing he can do except be here.

“We have to talk about it. But not right now.” Liam leans forward and kisses Zayn gently, feeling his wet cheeks when he does, their tears silent. Zayn has always been a quiet crier. Sometimes Liam wished he would just let himself go and really cry it out. But maybe that would just be too much, too real.

“Will you stay up all night with me? If we have this night, I want the whole night.” Zayn sees that Liam is still crying too, but they’re not weepy. They’re both just feeling the weight and they’re too tired to do anything besides let themselves be together right now.

“What do you want, Z? I need to know how far you want to take this.” Liam kisses Zayn again. They can multitask while getting themselves on the same page. Zayn responds by rolling on his back and pulling Liam to lay on top of him.

“I want you. I want to do what we’ve been avoiding for years.” Zayn opens his legs to let Liam lay in between them. “I want us to be as close as two people can be.”

“You want us to have sex? Like all the way sex?” Liam pauses now because if that’s where they’re going they do have to talk a bit more. Zayn nods and smiles, finally a hint of something besides despair burning bright behind his eyes. “But Zayn we haven’t before. Like yeah hand jobs and blow jobs every once in a while, but sex is a lot more than that.”

“We haven’t, but you have.” Zayn leans forward and kisses Liam again before laying himself back down beneath him. Liam’s keeping just enough distance between them while he slows them down, even though his heart is starting to race.

“Yeah I have. But only twice and both times with girls. And not recently. This would be a first for both of us.” Liam sits up now and pulls Zayn up with him. “Of course I want that but I don’t, like, want to ruin your first time or have it be sad.”

“I’m with you. That’s literally all I could want. You’re the only person I trust, Liam.” Zayn wraps his arms around Liam’s shoulder and starts kissing him again, but he keeps them upright. They still have to decide some things. “I want you to fuck me.” He whispers into Liam’s ear. “I want it so bad, Liam. You make me feel safe.”

Liam knows how much that means because Zayn is constantly in a free fall, on the lookout for the next trigger. For him to tell Liam that he feels safe, that’s the most meaningful thing he could have possibly said. “We can do that. I…want that too. But it might not be great for either of us. Like sometimes anal sex is complicated and we would both be doing it for the first time.”

“It’s not about getting off, Liam. For either of us. I just want to be close to you.” Zayn can’t think of anything else right now, his body’s desire flooding his brain and, at least for the moment, shutting out the pain. “It’s just tonight. I know. Please, Liam. If you want it too, just let us have this. One memory of love. I need just one good memory to hold on to because I -” Zayn stops himself from continuing, feeling the panic creeping back in when he thinks about how little he craves existence. If this is all he gets, maybe it’s worth it. He just needs something to hold on to, and he thinks that maybe Liam does too, just not as desperately. “You’re my reason.”

Liam still doesn’t fully understand what Zayn means by that, but he feels tears start falling down his cheeks. He nods and kisses Zayn again, trying to decipher what this is going to mean for both of them, but knowing it’s not a mistake. They lay back down and kiss quietly for a few minutes, holding each other close and taking their time. Zayn takes his own shirt off and tosses it to the side before putting his hands back under Liam’s shirt and waiting for permission to remove it. Liam leans back and lets Zayn do just that before laying down on him again, their chests warm against each other now.

“Zayn there’s a few things-” Liam gets cut off by Zayn’s finger on his lips. Zayn is looking at him with a bit of amusement now. “I know, Liam. I have actually learned how gay sex works, even if the school system pretends it doesn’t exist.” Zayn sits up and lets Liam fall onto his back beside him. “Why don’t I go take care of that and you can just relax for a few minutes. Do you have condoms? Lube?”

“Yeah. Now that we’re that age I figured it’d be good to have on hand just in case.” Liam sits up now too and takes Zayn’s hand, already missing having Zayn’s body on his own. Zayn nods, kisses Liam’s hand, and walks to the bathroom at the other side of the room. “Be right back………love you.” Zayn says it timidly, not anywhere near the way he had been so desperately bold earlier.

Standing up from the bed, Liam walks to the middle of the room to meet Zayn. “You don’t have to feel bad about that, Zayn. Love you, too.” He kisses Zayn softly just once before letting his hands drop back to his side. “If you still want this, go on. And I’ll get things ready in here.” Zayn kisses him one more time before stepping away, even letting his hips sway a little as he walks, teasing Liam, knowing that he’s watching his back. When he turns at the doorway and sees Liam staring he winks before closing the door.

***

When Zayn comes back into the room he hears music playing softly in the background and sees that Liam lit a candle, an attempt to make this a pretty moment for both of them. Zayn’s naked now, and he assumes Liam is as well, because he tidied their discarded clothes from before and is waiting beneath the sheets for Zayn to join him.

“You’re so beautiful.” Liam is overwhelmed when he sees Zayn like this, especially knowing they’re about to have sex. He holds out a hand and waits for Zayn to take it, climbing under the sheets to join him, his cold toes finding their way between Liam’s ankles as he snuggles up to him. Things feel softer between them now that they’ve both agreed to this. Nothing is better or different, they still have to talk, but this is what they both want so badly, just to feel connected and loved and together, even knowing it’s painfully temporary.

“Hi.” Zayn is hiding his face in the sheets so only his eyes are poking out, but they look calm and happy. Liam smiles and pulls him closer under the covers so their bodies are pressed together and leaves a kiss on Zayn’s forehead. “Hi back.” They’re both nervous, but not in an anxious way. It’s mostly a feeling of new things and excitement, both of them able to set aside the rest of the world for a while to have this moment.

“How do we…?” Zayn pokes the rest of his head out of the sheets and brings his arms around Liam, trying his best to not think about how incredibly close their dicks are right now.

“Well, if you mean like mechanically, one of us should open you up a bit first. Have you ever, like, had anything up there?” Liam’s tone is completely calm, not a hint of judgement or embarrassment and Zayn is so grateful for that. Because he feels a bit out of his depth here. Zayn shakes his head, maintaining eye contact while pulling Liam’s body closer into his own and feeling Liam’s dick on his thigh. He shivers at the feeling before reacting in earnest, pulling Liam on top of him and kissing him hard. He’s desperate now, wants Liam inside of him, wants to feel so close to him that he’ll wonder if they’re two halves of the same person.

Liam gladly kisses Zayn, adjusting to being naked together like this for the first time. Even when they’ve messed around before it’s never been like this, always something keeping them from getting this far. The way he can feel Zayn moving beneath him is nothing like it has been with the other people he’s had sex with. This means something more with Zayn. He was right, it’s not about getting off, it’s about being together. And that is what is making all the difference. Liam feels his breathing getting shallow when he thinks about that, so he stops kissing Zayn to put their foreheads together and focuses on taking a few deep breaths. “Zayn, I know we said later, but we’re going to talk about this, right?” Liam opens his eyes and sees Zayn looking up at him with a mixture of hope and trepidation.

“Of course we are. This means….a lot. But we have all night, right? We’ll talk until sunrise and then we can go to sleep and start new tomorrow. But tonight,” Zayn kisses Liam gently, “tonight we can have this and worry about it after.” Liam takes a deep breath and closes his eyes again, mentally shuffling his anxiety to the side for now. Zayn’s right, they have all night. And they both want this so badly.

Zayn suddenly gasps and covers his mouth, confusion taking over his face. Liam has absolutely no idea what’s happening, but he pushes himself up and off of Zayn immediately. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? What-” Zayn pulls Liam back down on top of him and kisses him frantically, arms holding him so tight it almost hurts and legs wrapping around Liam’s own. Zayn is crying now, his tears meeting their kiss and Liam can taste it between their tongues. He’s not sure what’s happening, but Zayn is making it very clear that what they’re doing isn’t the problem. So Liam kisses them back just as deeply, his hands holding Zayn’s back and guiding their bodies together. They move together so naturally, as if they know how to do this without even thinking. It feels instinctual to let their bodies love each other, and they both feel how easy this could be, how they both need each other so desperately.

Zayn finally starts to calm down a bit as Liam feels him relaxing in his arms. Things feel less frantic now, but no less heated. They’re still using their whole bodies while they kiss, and they are both very aware of how hard they are against each other, using the friction between them to get them worked up. Zayn pauses and Liam can tell he’s thinking about something.“What is it? You still want this?” Zayn actually laughs softly at that before burying his face in Liam’s neck and taking a deep breath. “Liam, I want to wake up tomorrow.”

“I don’t understand. Do you mean you want to stop and go to sleep? That’s fine, Zayn. We can stop right now.” Liam starts to move off of Zayn but before he can actually move to the side Zayn’s arms pull him back in and he kisses him sweetly, bringing a hand up to hold Liam’s chin so their eyes can meet. “I want to wake up tomorrow. Do you understand?” Zayn has tears in his eyes again because he can’t say the words he’s not saying, waiting for it to click. When it finally does, Liam’s whole face crumples and he lays down onto Zayn, holding him tight like that could make the meaning behind Zayn’s sentence less true. This is one of those things they don’t talk about, something just for Zayn and his therapist, and if the nightmares are bad, sometimes Liam hears some of it. But it’s never been a full discussion. Zayn rubs his hands across Liam’s back to soothe him, just letting his tears fall and feeling Liam’s own wet against his neck.

“Zayn, I love you so much. It hurts to even think about that. I can’t even imagine…” Liam is still laying on Zayn with his face on his shoulder, holding him and just trying desperately not to say or do the wrong thing. 

“It’s a good thing, Liam. I want tomorrow, and that’s more than I’ve wanted in a very long time.” Zayn carefully takes Liam’s head off his shoulder so he can give him a kiss. “And just thinking about having this night together was enough to make that happen.”

“Are you sure this is what you want? That this isn’t going to hurt you?” Liam is so concerned for Zayn and it breaks Zayn’s heart a little because he knows Liam isn’t even thinking about himself. “I want this, Liam. Are you sure that you want this?” To his credit, Liam does pause for a moment before answering. He thinks of the alternative, of letting this pass them by and maybe never having this moment, and that is so much worse than having this night and maybe not another for a very long time, if ever. “Even if we can’t have tomorrow, we can have tonight together. And I would never regret that for a single moment, not in any stretch of my imagination.” Liam sounds so certain. Zayn wonders what it feels like to have a certainty like that. But he guesses he does know, because when he’s here with Liam and the rest of the world can’t get to them, he’s never been more sure of anything in his life.

“Come here.” Zayn brings Liam back into his space to kiss him again, this time moving Liam’s right hand behind him and placing it on his bum. “I want you to do it. I’ve barely done anything, even by myself. And I trust you.”

“I just want you to be comfortable. Kiss me for another minute before we do that.” Liam moves his hand more to Zayn’s lower back while they keep kissing, their bodies already back in the rhythm they’d found earlier. It’s so comforting to be in each other’s arms, wrapped up together and focusing on the ways they collide. Zayn grabs Liam’s hand and pushes it back down again, waiting for Liam to grab his bum with his hand. “I want you to have your hands on me. All of me.” When Liam squeezes gently and pulls Zayn closer, Zayn lets out a soft moan and pushes his hips up into Liam while arching his back. “Do it again, Liam.” He doesn’t need to be asked twice, using both hands to pull Zayn into him and helping him arch off the bed. This time he moans into Liam’s mouth because they’re connected and Liam realises that he really likes that, likes hearing Zayn be so into this, into him.

“I like hearing you. Is that…too much?” Liam watches Zayn for a moment and sees him shake his head with his eyes closed while his body keeps pressing up into him from underneath.

“I’m ready for more. Whenever you are.” Zayn opens his eyes because Liam has slowed down instead, his mind clearly occupied. Zayn brings a hand up to Liam’s cheek and smiles when Liam leans into his touch, seemingly without thinking. “What’s on your mind, babe?” Liam doesn’t answer right away, leaning forward for another kiss and moving his hands to Zayn’s back again.

“You.” Is all Liam says at first. But when Zayn waits patiently for more he adds, “It’s like my mind is quiet in a way I didn’t know it could be. And I’m realising how much anxious noise is normally there now that it’s absent…And you’re the only thing I can think about right now. And you’re just…Zayn, you’re…beyond words.”

Zayn doesn’t know how to answer that, because the way he feels about Liam doesn’t seem possible. They’re still so young, and he’s in so much pain all the time, but Liam is never that. Liam is safety and warmth and love and he wants to drown in that tonight. Just let both of them pretend that this can be their reality. Maybe someday. Zayn thinks he could keep putting up with all of it, with the nightmares and the pain and the numbness and the incurable exhaustion if one day, just maybe, they could have this, and have it for real. This would be worth it. Liam would be worth it. And if Zayn can feel the emptiness just out of reach, waiting for him to fall back in? Maybe it’s okay. Because this feels like a blinding light, holding off the darkness, at least for now. And that’s more of a promise than he’s ever known in his entire life.

“The rest is silence,” is what Zayn finally responds, whispering it into Liam’s ear while placing a hand on his chest and feeling Liam breathe beneath it. Someone else’s words will have to do for now since he can’t articulate his own.

“Hamlet?” Liam asks, giving Zayn a kiss on the cheek. He’s so soft with Zayn, so loving and gentle. Always.

“Fuck, Liam. Yes. Hamlet. Bonus points if you know the context….though actually maybe don’t think too hard about that because the context is a bit morbid given what we’re doing.” Zayn giggles at that, the mood lightening a bit as Liam joins in.

“Wait, I do actually know this….isn’t it when Hamlet dies?” Liam laughs properly now, letting his head rest on Zayn’s chest and feeling Zayn’s laughter beneath him. They laugh together for a minute, feeling the release of some of the tension they’ve been holding. “You quoted Hamlet and you picked the part where he dies?”

“In my defence, my brain has been like 30% Hamlet ever since we first watched Branagh’s adaptation.” Zayn runs his fingers through Liam’s hair and watches his eyes crinkle as he smiles. “Do you think that maybe later…like after…you could read to me? I like when you read to me.” Zayn is a bit shy now, not sure how much he’s allowed to expect from tonight. If it was just sex or just cuddling, that would be one thing. But getting to have both might be pushing it.

“Consider it part of aftercare.” Liam doesn’t seem embarrassed in the slightest, if anything his eyes shine a little brighter when Zayn looks back up at him. He’s looking forward to the rest of the night just as much as having sex. Because, as Zayn so succinctly put it, it’s about their connection much more than it is about any orgasm. Liam moves to the side and pulls Zayn on top of him, kissing him again and smiling into it this time.

While on top, Zayn once again brings one of Liam’s hands down to his ass and holds it there this time saying, “I’m ready when you are, Liam. I really want this. Want you.” Liam lets Zayn keep his hand there but doesn’t move yet, really wanting to slow this down and make sure they’re both relaxed first. When he feels Zayn’s hand loosen its grip a bit he gently flips them over again so that he’s on top, Zayn smiling up at him in a way that reaches his eyes, finally.

“I haven’t done this before to someone else, just with myself. So we’ll have to go really slow.” Liam runs a hand through Zayn’s hair and lets it rest on his cheek. He can feel the fond smile on his own face while he stares down at Zayn. He’s so incredibly beautiful, but not in an unapproachable or intimidating way. Zayn is beautiful in the same way as the first flower of spring, or a misty morning in the country, or the stillness of a moonlit night, in a way so natural and calm. He’s been in love with Zayn since before he knew what love meant, and it’s never been anything but unconditional. But this past year or so has pushed the limits of that love in ways neither of them could have anticipated, a constant ebb and flow of pain and want and love and despair and every emotion that is too big for either of them to process properly. Liam knows this is temporary. So does Zayn. And maybe knowing that is what gives them both the space to let this happen.

“We’ll talk, Liam. I promise.” Zayn leans up and kisses Liam gently. “I can tell your mind is miles away even if your heart is here.” Liam’s shoulders relax and he gives Zayn a shy smile this time, one corner of his mouth tilting above the other, like his face is reflecting how completely off their axis they are. They’re in new territory together and there’s no map to get them through.

“I think if I focus on you it’ll help. Keeping you safe and making you feel loved is what I want. More than anything else….I don’t mean I’m not wanting this too.” Liam clarifies when he sees Zayn frown up at him. He traces his fingers across Zayn’s forehead to smooth out the worry there. If only it was always so simple. “I want this so unbelievably badly. I love you, Zayn. Let me focus on you and I promise I will be happy.”

“In that case, get to it Payne…take your time though. I’ve only used my fingers a bit just to explore and it’ll feel different when it’s you…and of course really different when you’re actually like in me. Or whatever.” Zayn giggles as they finish their sentence, leaning forward and leaving a tiny love bite on Liam’s neck. Liam flushes in response making Zayn tilt his head. “You like love bites?” Liam nods while leaning over to the side of the bed where he’s already laid out a bottle of lube, a few condoms, a hand towel, and a glass of water.

“Can I give you a few while you put your fingers in me?” Zayn watches Liam open the lube and drop a bit onto his fingers, anticipation picking up significantly for both of them now. “I think about marking up your neck and your chest all the time.”

“Yeah I want that too. And it might distract you a bit if it’s uncomfortable. But I also need you to tell me when you’re uncomfortable and especially if you feel any pain. I can’t guess, you have to pay attention and tell me.” Liam is very serious now. They both know why. Zayn doesn’t feel pain in the same way as most people. If his brain thinks pain is coming Zayn will leave his body and need a concerted effort to come back into himself. “I know you’ll probably drift away a bit, on and off. That’s fine. But I need you to stay here with me as best you can. Deal?”

“Yeah, I’ll try my best to focus. If I’m being active that’ll help. Is it okay if I play with your hair and kiss you and use you to ground myself?......You’re always the best way to ground me. But I don’t want you to feel like I’m just using you or something. It’s because I trust you and you’re safe.” Zayn’s sadness has returned, but it’s not as strong as before, just at the front of the line right now.

Liam takes Zayn’s face in his palms, careful to keep his lube coated fingertips to the side. “Use me.” He waits a moment, seeing that Zayn doesn’t believe that’s what he wants. “Zayn, listen to me. Touch me and hold me and ground yourself and use me. If we only get this once I want you with me, the whole fucking time if possible.” Zayn turns his head to kiss one of Liam’s hands before scooting further down the bed to be truly underneath Liam who follows his lead and lays back on top of Zayn. He positions himself so Zayn’s left leg is free to move and feels Zayn put their arms around his shoulders holding him close.

“You ready?” Liam has his hand hovering vaguely near Zayn’s ass while he waits for an answer. Zayn smiles softly and nods, adjusting his hips one last time. Liam leans forward and kisses Zayn while bringing his fingertips to touch Zayn’s ass. He starts just spreading lube on the outside, slow circles to adjust Zayn to the sensation of something else being there. Zayn closes his eyes and focuses on the feeling, the excitement of having Liam’s hands on him is already going to his head. He’s never been this turned on in his life, even when they’ve messed around a bit in the past. He breaks their kiss to mumble, “I like it. Like your hands,” against Liam’s mouth and he feels Liam smile in response. “Ready for me to start working a finger inside? The first one shouldn’t feel like much of a stretch, just maybe a bit weird. New.”

“Yeah, go ahead. I’ll tell you if it hurts. Promise.” Zayn opens his eyes to glance at Liam, comforted by the love he sees so clearly staring back at him. “Keep kissing me. It’ll help.” So Liam does just that, pushing his tongue into Zayn’s mouth at the same time he gently pushes just the tip of his middle finger into Zayn, waiting for a reaction. Zayn just kisses him back and takes Liam’s tongue for a moment, playing with him. Liam slowly pushes his finger further inside until it’s all the way in, easing back out almost immediately. “You still alright, Z?”

“Just feels new, but doesn’t hurt. Kinda like it I think.” Zayn stops talking to kiss Liam again, feeling the way his finger is moving but not in a way that’s too distracting. It doesn’t necessarily feel good, but it definitely doesn’t feel bad. Not so different from it being his own fingers, or the douche he used earlier. But warmer, because Liam’s hands are like tiny furnaces. “Try adding another?” Liam thinks for a moment before removing his finger and reaching for the lube again. “I figure more is probably better, right?” Zayn giggles before agreeing. “I would definitely rather we use too much and end up sliding around than the alternative.”

Liam adds a bit more to his fingers before bringing them back down, this time putting the tips of both his middle and index finger inside and waiting. This will definitely be a bit more of a stretch than Zayn is used to. “Tell me when you want me to move, or if you want me to stop.”

“No, it’s fine. Still doesn’t hurt, but I’m definitely more aware of that. Try pushing in a bit.” Zayn remembers what they said earlier and focuses on the spot where Liam’s neck meets his shoulder where he sees a little dip, deciding it needs a love bite. “Come here, I want your neck…Please.” Liam leans forward for a quick kiss while sliding his fingers further inside, Zayn still relatively relaxed beneath him, which is a good sign he thinks. He doesn’t really have any frame of reference, but if he was in pain, Liam is pretty sure there would be some change. He tilts his head to the side and feels Zayn’s mouth on his neck almost immediately, kissing and sucking and definitely leaving a mark. Liam loves getting love bites, especially from Zayn, both the feeling of it happening and the reminder over the next day or so. Liam keeps sliding his fingers in and out of Zayn, not meeting any resistance, but still going slowly.

“How does it feel? Still okay?” Liam feels Zayn detach from his neck to whisper in his ear, “I didn’t know how it would feel, but I like having your fingers in me. It’s not really about the feeling, it’s about the knowing. Letting you in, literally.” Zayn goes back to Liam’s neck, but to a new spot, leaving gentle kisses this time before deciding on the next place he wants to mark. It feels a bit odd to have Liam’s fingers moving inside him, especially with the second one, but if anything it’s just making him more curious about when they finally work up to Liam’s dick being in him. “Liam, how many fingers is like a normal amount for me to be ready for you?”

“I think most people work up to three. Seems it’d be hard to do more than that and adding the pinky wouldn’t actually stretch you all the way anyway. You think you're ready for a third?” Liam is surprised at how quickly this has gone. It’s only been a few minutes and he sort of thought it would take a while, especially since they’re both new at this. “I think I want you to try to add a third and if it hurts you can go back to two since that feels fine.” Zayn kisses Liam’s mouth again, sighing happily as he does. “Love kissing you, babe.”

“Love kissing you back. Always have.” Liam reaches for the lube again. He thinks he’s been using enough but he really doesn’t want to underestimate and hurt Zayn. So he adds a bit more to his fingers and works a bit of it around the outside before very slowly pressing three fingers inside Zayn. Zayn arches his back this time and disconnects his mouth from Liam who removes his fingers immediately and waits a moment for Zayn to lay back down. “You alright? Did that hurt?”

Zayn pauses for a moment before answering, thinking about it then opening his eyes to look at Liam. “No. I don’t think so. But definitely more than I’m used to. Try it again? Maybe two inside first then add the third?” Liam nods then carefully puts two fingers back inside of him. “Yeah that feels fine. Back to that for a minute then try adding another.” Liam does as Zayn asks, not really sure how he feels about this yet. It’s the first time he’s done this and he’s done plenty of reading and watching advice videos but it’s so different actually having his fingers inside someone like this. And Zayn’s body is incredibly reactive, even if he’s not aware of it completely. Like right now he’s still breathing heavy and hasn’t relaxed all the way again even though he looks completely calm. But Liam knows Zayn better than he knows anyone and he’s not about to push this too fast too soon. “Tell me when, Z. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I want you to try again. Just let me focus a bit more this time. I think if I expect it I’ll be fine.” Zayn puts a hand in Liam’s hair, scratching gently at his scalp. Liam hums happily in response until Zayn leans forward to bite his neck gently which effectively brings his attention elsewhere. Why did he like that? Is he into biting? Or is it just because it’s Zayn? Why - No. Liam stops himself as he becomes aware of his thought spiral. “Zayn?” Liam waits for him to change to a more gentle kiss in the same spot before continuing. “I think I like when you do that? And I’m trying not to like analyse that right now so I’m just gonna say do it again. If you want.”

“Gladly.” Zayn mumbles before biting Liam’s collarbone gently. Just enough to make him aware of it. “Oh and you can try to add that third finger again.” Liam slows down his hand and pulls his fingers almost all the way out before slipping his ring finger in, just barely. This time Zayn winces but otherwise remains in place. “That alright?” Liam isn’t moving just waiting for Zayn to respond one way or another.

“Think so. Try to push in a bit more.” Zayn starts work on another love bite where he bit just moments before, hoping it’ll help him focus. He feels more pressure as Liam carefully pushes further inside, but he tries his best to relax and ground himself in Liam. He loves how Liam smells. It always reminds him of this room and this bed they share and how he will always be safe here. It’s warm, somehow, earthy. Zayn borrows his shirts just to have that comfort within reach. Without noticing, Liam’s three fingers are all the way inside now. Zayn is fairly certain that thinking of that comfort he feels with Liam is what let that happen.

Liam carefully starts moving his fingers, realising Zayn has calmed down significantly and is happily nestled in his neck, occasionally leaving tiny kisses but mostly just…cuddling. “You still with me?” He doesn’t want Zayn to dissociate at all, but especially this soon. Zayn sighs and kisses Liam’s neck again before shifting them so Liam can lay on him properly while he keeps moving his fingers slowly in and out of Zayn.

“I’m here. Very here, Liam…I like how you smell. It calms me down.” Zayn kisses Liam’s chest this time and relaxes, starting to maybe enjoy this? It’s not really uncomfortable anymore now that he’s more used to it. Still feels a bit weird and new but definitely not bad. “Don’t people, like, find their prostate this way? I’ve never tried.” Liam giggles because he could not have guessed that would’ve been the next sentence out of Zayn’s mouth right now. “Yes, Zayn. This is probably the fastest way to find it. You want me to gently feel around a bit?”

“I wouldn’t say no. I think I’m starting to kinda like this. Now that I’m adjusting.” Zayn notices that the way Liam’s fingers are moving changes subtly. Still gentle but definitely more than just in and out now. Liam isn’t really sure what he’s doing, but he has an idea of where he should be aiming, so he angles his fingers a bit and twists gently, stroking the area where he might find what they’re looking for when suddenly Zayn gasps out a loud, “OH.” and closes his eyes, bringing his free leg up to hold onto Liam, and his face burying itself in Liam’s neck again. Liam smiles but slides his fingers away. That’s probably a bit too much for them right now, but now they know.

Liam removes his fingers from Zayn and reaches for the hand towel to wipe them off. “I think you’re probably as open as you’re going to be. How are you feeling?” Liam lays down beside Zayn and places a hand on his chest, rubbing gentle circles and noticing that Zayn is very much in his head right now and didn’t hear him at all, or even notice he moved. He’s laying silently, staring at the ceiling without blinking, his breathing shallow. He feels cold in more ways than one, so Liam lays with him and waits.

Zayn isn’t sure what that feeling was. It was so intense and that became the only thing in his brain for a brief moment, eventually realising he was clinging to Liam even more than usual. He couldn’t even call it pleasure really. Mostly what he felt was a lot. Maybe too much, or at least for this moment. Was he supposed to like that more? Maybe it was just too much sensation for him on top of everything else. He was starting to like being fingered, so maybe next time this happens he’ll like it more. Wait, there won’t be a next time. Well, maybe there will but not anytime soon. Zayn’s ears seem to be filled with white noise right now. Is Liam saying something? Did he move? Zayn can’t stop staring at that shadow on the ceiling. Would he be able to see his prostate if someone were to open him up and investigate? What would it look like? Will it feel different when it’s Liam’s dick rubbing against it instead of his finger? Probably. Everything is going to feel different then. He’s wanted that for so long, wanted to be with Liam, and he’s so happy this is happening, even if it’s making him a bit sad, realising there’s a reason they can’t have this for more than tonight. He loves Liam so much. But he’s not ready to give himself to another person in the way he wants. He just needs more time. Oh god, but that means he actually wants more time. He wants more time? Actually wants that? What kind of magic is happening tonight? Well probably it’s not magic, maybe just emotional processing, realising that if Liam is in his life it’ll be worth it. Even if they stay just friends. Well they’ve never been just friends. But even if they never have sex again and just love each other through life, that would be enough he thinks. To know he loves Liam and understand that no matter what Liam loves him too. He loves Liam. He’s certain of that, and very little else. He loves Liam. He loves him and he always has and he always will. That’s beautiful, right? How could anyone find that ugly or disgusting or evil? There’s nothing wrong with it. Loving Liam is the easiest thing he’s ever done and the only thing that has given him even a tiny piece of hope. Why did his mom hate him for being gay? She hurt him so much. So many times. It just doesn’t make sense. Does that mean that now he’s having gay sex he’s in some kind of trouble? Is he wrong? Bad? No. No, there is nothing wrong with this. Anytime he thinks there is, it's just intrusive thoughts. That’s what his therapist calls them. He’s supposed to remind himself they’re fake and tell them to leave. Well those thoughts can fuck all the way off. He loves Liam. He is going to have sex with Liam and it’s going to be so beautiful. But what if it hurts? Does that mean he deserves the pain? Because he shouldn’t be doing this? No. That’s another one of those ones that aren’t true. But even if it does hurt, so what? He knows pain. He knows how to ignore it if he has to and deal with it later. And it’ll probably go away anyway. It’d be worth any amount of pain if he can be with Liam like this. But Liam probably wouldn’t want that. No, Liam definitely wouldn’t want that. Didn’t Liam tell him to let him know if something hurt? But what counts? Zayn hurts all the way down to the core of himself, sex or no sex. So maybe he just means if it’s because of the sex. Or does he mean he wants to see all of it? All the pain living inside of Zayn that he can’t seem to remove no matter how many times he works through a memory with his therapist. It might get more familiar but the pain hasn’t left, at least not yet. She said maybe it will someday. He trusts Liam, but showing him that pain, wouldn’t that ruin this? But if he’s not honest and pretends he’s fine Liam would know immediately. He would stop them and it wouldn’t matter how much Zayn said he was alright. So probably best to be honest and if he’s hurting he should say something. But he has to remember to specify if it’s physical or emotional. Physical they can do something about. The emotional pain they can sit with, hold it in their hands together, look at it, but they can’t do much besides acknowledge it. But maybe that’s enough. He thinks Liam would want to see it. He would want Zayn to be vulnerable and open if he’s able. Because he’s never been anything except completely honest and open with Zayn. Yes, that’s what needs to happen. Give themself to Liam tonight, and have it be more than just his body. They can show Liam the pain for once and sit with it together. He needs to be honest and he needs to make sure Liam knows he loves him no matter what. That’s it. That’s the thing he needs to focus on. He loves Liam. No conditions or hesitation. He can’t be in love with him properly, but he loves him and he needs Liam to know. Focus on that. Focus on that love and the rest will happen.

“Zayn. You hear me?” Zayn doesn’t answer, just lays there with his thinking face on, staring up at the ceiling but breathing calmly. Liam moves his hand to Zayn’s face instead and softly caresses his cheek, waiting for Zayn to process whatever he’s thinking. He’ll give it another minute before really being worried. Sometimes it takes a few minutes but Zayn will come back on their own. This could be one of those times. Without any change in facial expression, Zayn’s eyes start tearing up, and Liam feels a few start falling down his cheek and landing on Liam’s hand. Okay, that’s officially a sign that it’s time to start refocusing Zayn if he can instead of waiting. Liam leans forward and kisses Zayn on the forehead, moving his hand to Zayn’s chest to start rubbing it solidly, hoping to wake up his breathing a bit. Sitting up, Liam keeps one hand on Zayn’s chest, the other moving behind Zayn’s back to lift him into a bit more of a sitting position and into Liam’s lap. He holds Zayn close, rubbing his back now where he knows Zayn is most aware. He doesn’t know why, but Zayn is always most sensitive on his back. After about ten seconds of backrubs Zayn shivers and nuzzles their face into Liam’s chest, breathing heavily now. Liam takes Zayn’s arms and loops them around his own neck, doing his best to open up his lungs so he doesn’t start hyperventilating. He feels more tears from Zayn dripping onto his neck and he thinks he might be starting to come back because his arms hold a little tighter on their own and he even lets out a sigh. Liam moves one arm to Zayn’s legs, rubbing some life back into them and feeling Zayn is fairly cold considering how they’ve been bundled up together pretty closely. He brings the sheets up to cover Zayn’s legs and Zayn responds by tucking them up into himself a bit, a good sign that he’s aware at least that he was cold. Liam holds him there for another few minutes, warming him up and soothing him and feeling Zayn slowly start moving, his tears having stopped and his cuddling more intentional.

“Zayn. Babe. How about now? You hear me?” Liam whispers it gently right by Zayn’s ear, not wanting to frighten him with any loud noises right now, even if he can’t really hear them. Zayn responds by nodding and kissing his neck softly before going back to the spot he was in. “Alright, can you tell me if anything hurts? You numb? Cold?” Zayn just nods again. “Which one? How about one at a time…are you hurt anywhere do you think?” Zayn shakes his head slowly. “Okay good. That’s great. Numb?” Zayn nods and kisses Liam’s shoulder this time, changing the angle of his head a bit to rest in a new spot. “Okay, numb. That happens, yeah? That’s alright, Z. What about cold? Are you cold?” Zayn thinks for a moment before shaking his head and mumbling, “no” into Liam’s shoulder. “Right. Numb, but not in pain and not cold. Is that right?” Zayn nods again and squeezes Liam tighter for a moment in agreement. “Is there anything else you need me to know right now?” Another nod but no words. “Is it something bad?” For some reason Zayn lets out a tiny sob and buries his face in Liam’s neck again. He mumbles something directly into Liam’s skin that’s completely undecipherable and Liam feels another few tears against his neck. “Try again? I couldn’t hear what it was, Z.” Zayn lets out a shaky breath before pulling his head back just a little. 

“I love you.” Zayn says it’s so quietly but Liam hears an entire novel behind those three little words. He hears the pain that Zayn’s experienced for loving who he loves and being who he is. He hears the history and the memories that he’ll never be able to forget. He hears the cries and the screams that Zayn suppresses now except in his nightmares. He hears the joy that Zayn feels when he loves someone, because Zayn loves so deeply and so completely and loving is what he does best. Liam hears everything they’ve shared about their pasts and all the hopes they used to share for their futures before it all got torn apart one thread at a time with each horrible moment that Zayn spent with his mother. He hears desperation and hope in equal measure, both a plea and a thank you. There’s true anguish in that admission, and Liam knows it’s both because of his past and because he doesn’t want a future. What a heartbreaking thought. To know that Zayn has been hurt so badly that most days they’re lucky if he makes plans for the next one. That Zayn doesn’t see that even if he accomplished nothing special or lived an unremarkable life he was still interesting and valuable and important and absolutely instrumental to all of this, to the entirety of the human experiment. Liam hears all of that and so much more and he holds Zayn close, the most remarkable person he will ever know in his arms, crying as if he doesn’t even deserve to be doing that. How could the world be so cruel as to give Zayn this much pain? 

“I love you too. I love you and you love me and there’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. I’m sorry I can’t make it better. I’m just…I’m so sorry, Zayn. I love you.” Liam lets Zayn cry, glad he’s letting out a bit of the pain he always keeps locked inside. He can tell he’s still holding back, upset that he’s so vulnerable and needy right now, as if Liam could ever possibly judge him for any of this. “It’s alright, Zayn. You can let go. I’ve got you. I’ll always be here, no matter what.” Zayn sniffles and shifts himself so he can lay down on the bed and grabs for Liam to lay with him. He’s crying, tears streaming down his cheeks while he stares at Liam like he holds the only answer he’s looking for. When they’ve resettled laying down, Zayn curls up into Liam’s chest and puts his legs between Liam’s, letting himself be surrounded, held close and safe while he cries. He never lets go like this, never lets Liam or anyone else see him this openly wounded.

“It hurts. It hurts so bad.” Zayn’s voice is shaky and scratched, as if the pain is clawing its way out of him. Liam is holding him on his chest, one hand on his back and the other holding his head gently above his heart. Zayn’s not very numb anymore, having let the pain push its way through, something he’s always trying to avoid. But now he can’t stop crying and he feels ridiculous, ruining this moment and this night, when they were so close. “Please don’t leave. I’m so sorry, Liam. I’m a fucking mess.”

“Oh, love. Don’t apologise. Not for this. Never for this.” Liam kisses the top of Zayn’s head and rubs his back before wiping gently at the constant flow of tears. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Thank you for trusting me. Take your time, I’m honestly not going anywhere. We can lay here all night if you need.” Zayn nods and moves his arms around Liam, holding him as tight as he possibly can. He’s stopped crying but he’s shaking a bit, his entire body vibrating like the person inside is trying to escape. “You’re the only thing I’m sure of.” Zayn’s voice is shaky, but he’s talking now, and not just saying words. This is Zayn actually telling him things and Liam couldn’t be more grateful. He’s talking and he’s sharing and he’s showing Liam the truth, all of it, even the awful, vivid pain of it.

“Tell me whatever you need to tell me.” Liam kisses the top of Zayn’s head again before laying his cheek in the same spot, settling in to listen.

“I don’t trust anyone, Liam. Not our friends or our parents or even myself…..but you? I trust you. Only you.” Zayn kisses the nearest part of Liam he can find, which in this case is just below his collarbone. “I’m so sure when you’re here. That’s what makes this so fucking painful.”

Liam waits a moment, making sure Zayn is done with the thought. “Makes what so painful, Z?” He rubs his hands along Zayn’s back while he waits for an answer.

“Us. This. I want this and it’s the only thing I want. You’re the only thing I know, the only thing I’m certain of. But I can’t…” Zayn pauses and takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I want to give you me, but I can’t. Because I don’t even want me. I don’t feel like I even have a self to give. Not a single thing to offer. I want to rip my heart out and hold it out for you to take, but it’s like I’m searching for something that isn’t even there anymore. Or maybe it never was. Maybe I feel empty because I am.” Zayn trails off as he finishes his thought, his voice tapering while he spirals. Liam knows that path, follows it too often himself.

“You’re not empty, Zayn. You love so deeply. Maybe that’s why it feels like an emptiness. Because someone you love in the deepest part of you hurt you. That’s a really deep wound. It didn’t make you stop loving, it made it so you felt you couldn’t trust yourself. Or anyone else.” Liam is trying his absolute best to keep it together for Zayn. Hearing these things hurts him too. Zayn is so special, so important. And he’s been made to feel like he’s nothing. Their conversation is slow, both of them taking time to think between the words they’re sharing. “Do you want to tell me what that feels like? For you?”

Zayn nods but doesn’t answer right away, letting himself hold Liam tighter for a moment first. “I feel like I live inside the pain more than it lives in me. Does that make sense?” Zayn waits a moment until Liam nods. “It hurts to feel empty. It feels lonely and desperate and cold. Being in this kind of pain is really isolating. Because the only people who can understand it are the people who have felt it. But I don’t want to look for anyone who does because I also have this childish hope that no one else would ever feel the way I feel. It’s almost easier to believe I’m the only one in this much pain.”

“I wish so badly that you didn’t know what it feels like either.” Liam squeezes Zayn tight for a moment before letting out another sigh and readjusting them slightly. “Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything to help you and that’s all I want. I want to take that pain away from you and just let you breathe. Feels like you never feel safe enough to even be most days. I know you’re physically safe now, but it’s hard to watch you fighting these battles all on your own.”

Zayn moves just enough to give Liam a tiny kiss before resettling on his chest. “I feel safe here. With you. And in this room. Specifically this room…I think it’s because of that day. I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t even remember more than flashes. But I came here and you watched over me and you didn’t expect anything or ask anything. You just waited. You’re patient. And you never lie to me. Or pretend it’s okay. Or tell me things that don’t help. God, I hate when people tell me it’ll get better or it’s not forever or to just give it more time. They say it just to say something, as if I can’t rationally understand that it takes time.” Zayn flops onto his back so he can rant properly, Liam’s hand resting on his stomach instead. “I fucking know already. Don’t they think I know that? It doesn’t fucking matter than in a year I might feel better. I don’t even know that I’ll be here to feel better. And when all they do is tell me that I feel like screaming. Don’t they see that right now hurts too much to focus on later? I can’t see a second in front of me, and they want me to pretend I have the luxury of foresight? Fuck off, all of them. You’re the only one who’s never done that, not once. I know they’re trying to help, but it doesn’t. That just doesn’t help. But you do.” Zayn turns to Liam again and takes the hand that was on his stomach, holding it tight. “You help because you know you can’t fix it. And I’m sorry that feels hopeless for you. I wish you didn’t have to feel that way either. Because I know the only reason you haven’t pushed is because you know. You don’t know this pain, but you know your own. I can see that even when you try to hide it, and even with how bad mine is.”

Liam swallows, feeling like his throat has never been more dry. “You’re one of the only people who does see it. I think maybe I hide it too well sometimes. But everything is so loud. There’s too much to think about and worry about and I never know where to focus or how to help. I just want to make it better and sometimes I get lost spiralling when I can't see a solution.. And it haunts me that there are things I just can’t fix. There are some things that are just too broken, and I’m just one person. I hate that all I can do is be aware, and everytime I try to make anyone else aware they get mad. But how do they not see how bad it is? How many people are hurting? I try to do something about the homophobic kids at school and people tell me to just ignore it. How am I supposed to ignore it when they’re hurting me and so many people I love?”

Zayn turns around and picks up the glass of water that’s on the bedside table, handing it to Liam with a kiss on the cheek. “You’re always so honest with me, Li. You have no idea how much I appreciate that.” Liam takes a few sips of water before handing it back to Zayn who takes a sip himself before setting it aside again. He turns back to Liam and takes his face in both of his hands, staring at him with shining eyes. “I need you to know. No matter how broken and in pain and numb I am, you are the one I want in my life. Always. You remind me that there is still good in the world. That there’s a reason for me to fight. That I can love someone and feel safe and that trust is not a wasted exercise.” Zayn pauses to kiss Liam slowly, not leading to anything more, but sharing a moment of love before they keep talking. “But Liam, this is why.”

Liam knows where this is going and he feels tears starting in his eyes. He kisses Zayn back, Zayn’s hands dropping to his shoulders when he does as Liam holds him at the waist. “I know you’re right. I know we can’t. We love each other, but we can’t. Not for a while.” Zayn guides them both back to laying down again, still holding Liam close.

“It wouldn’t be good for us.” Zayn kisses Liam again, everything he’s saying confirmed with the way he’s loving Liam, bold and soft and sure. “I have to want to live for me. For more than just you. It’s not healthy for me to put all of that on you, Liam. Especially when I know you would literally do anything for me. I love you enough to wait until I can love you in a healthier way. But I have to do a lot of work to get there. And I can’t promise any sort of timeline.” 

“I know.” Liam kisses Zayn and floats his fingertips across their forehead before resting their heads together. “I don’t expect anything from you. I want you to take care of you. Always. And I will be here, when you need, whatever you need…And I have to work on myself too. My anxiety really gets out of hand sometimes. And I have my therapist now but I have a lot that I need to work through too. And I have to learn to manage all of this better.”

“You can’t put your life on hold for me, Liam.” Zayn is suddenly incredibly serious. Stern, almost. “I mean it. I don’t want you to spend your time pining after me, just wishing we could be together. I want you to date and shag and maybe even love other people. I couldn’t fucking live with myself if I thought you were holding back because of me. You deserve a full life. I will love you and I don’t want you to doubt that no matter who you are with or where your life leads you. Promise me that. Promise me that you are going to look after yourself, too.”

Liam scrunches his face, trying not to cry. “If I have to. Fuck, you telling me to do that might be the only thing that makes me actually do it. Makes me try seeing other people and whatever else. And that’s the fucking problem. I need to learn that I’m important, too…How lucky am I that you want that for me? That we love each other enough to want each other to be happy even if it means we aren’t together?”

“This absolutely blows.” Zayn laughs, but it’s harsh. Cold. “Why are we so responsible? Why can’t we just be immature teenagers and let things implode?”

“Because then we wouldn’t be us.” Liam gives Zayn a sad smile and a brief kiss. “We love each other but not in a way that’s for now. I have no doubt in my mind that I will love you for my life, for my whole life, even if this is the only night like this we ever get.”

“You mean you…” Zayn pauses, considering what to say next. “Still want this? I haven’t ruined this?”

“Not even a little.” Liam rolls to pull Zayn on top of him with a shy smile. “I’m glad we talked. We needed to.”

“Should’ve listened to you.” Zayn lays a hand on Liam’s chest and stares at it. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

Liam puts a finger under Zayn’s chin until he looks up, and when he does he feels himself falling, getting lost in those beautiful eyes he knows so well. Liam leans forward until Zayn meets him in a kiss, both of them now in the place they need to be to love each other through tonight. They’re quiet, this moment too solemn to disrupt with intrusive noise. Their bodies know what to do like they’ve been built for this specific purpose, their hands finding their way where the other wants them, their mouths opening to each other in perfect rhythm.

“Liam. Can we?” Zayn whispers while rolling Liam on top of him. “I’m ready if you are.”

Liam kisses Zayn again and reaches for the lube, handing it to Zayn. “You have to tell me what and when. I’m ready too.”

Zayn takes the lube and drops a bit on Liam’s right hand again. “I’ve been working on the difference between sensation and pain. So if I need a pause to figure out what I’m feeling I’ll tell you. Fingers again first?” Zayn drops the bottle onto the bed beside them and kisses Liam while shifting into a more comfortable spot. Liam moves his hand where Zayn wants it and pushes a finger inside, Zayn moaning softly into his mouth.

“Feels good this time. Better. Keep going.” Zayn knows what it feels like now, so while it’s still new it’s not unexpected. When Liam slides a second finger inside Zayn pushes their hips forward into Liam, figuring out how to move around his fingers now. After a moment he realises that he’s still here. Like…really here. “Liam. Oh my god. I’m not…I’m staying with you this time.” Liam smiles but doesn’t say anything, still focusing on what he’s doing and loving how Zayn is grinding beneath him. And he’s right. He hasn’t left. Hasn’t floated away this time. He’s relaxed and seemingly very comfortable, so after a minute Liam removes his fingers and wipes them off, understanding that Zayn is maybe ready for more.

While Liam sets aside the hand towel Zayn reaches past him and grabs a condom off the table. “Can I do it? Haven’t used one before on a person…obviously. Will you show me?” Zayn lays back down and waits for Liam to agree.

“You sure you’re ready? It’s not going to feel good at first. I know you know that, but it’s going to be really uncomfortable.” Liam holds Zayn’s wrist gently, rubbing his thumb over his pulse point while confirming it’s really time for them to do this. “From what I know it’ll be easiest if you’re on your hands and knees at first, but that’s entirely up to you, of course.” Zayn nods and pulls Liam into him to kiss him deep.

“I really want this. I know it will take a while. But I want to at least try…I know you’ll stop immediately if anything’s wrong. I’m so safe with you, Liam. You always take care of me.” Zayn holds up the condom again with a tilt of the head.

“Yeah, alright. I’ll show you. Go ahead and open it up.” Liam shifts himself to be on his knees and waits for Zayn. Zayn hasn’t moved, but he’s staring. Really staring. Liam giggles, “What? You look like there’s something you want. Spit it out.”

Zayn keeps staring, because his mind is now on a very singular course. “Can I blow you for a minute? I just…I really like it. Is that weird?” They look up at Liam and see him smiling.

“Of course that’s not weird. I would hope you enjoy it since we’ve done that about a dozen times before.” Liam lays himself back down and pulls Zayn on top of him. “Go ahead, but just for a minute or I’ll be done and we’ll have to wait a bit before trying anything else. You…finish me quickly.” Liam flushes when Zayn laughs at that, kissing his way down Liam’s chest now and pausing when he gets to Liam’s dick.

“Tell me when to stop.” Zayn waits for Liam to nod then puts his mouth around Liam’s dick. He wasn’t kidding when he said he likes it. Loves it even. He feels special when he gets to make Liam feel good like this, watching him squirm and moan and flush and hold himself back. He loves how intimate it feels, Liam trusting him with this, and Zayn trusting Liam in return. And the way it tastes, salty and warm and Liam. It’s just…god, he’s just so gay. Zayn giggles and drops Liam out of his mouth at the thought, taking a breath before putting his lips back around him, holding steady to Liam’s hips while he does.

Liam always has a hard time focusing when Zayn is like this, so confident and in control. He’s always like this when he has his mouth on Liam, as if he knows exactly what Liam likes, where to put his hands, how to move. He’s had other blow jobs from other people, but none of them have ever made him feel like Zayn does. Did Zayn just giggle? The vibration from it was an unexpected feeling, but certainly not a bad one. It’s only been a minute or two, but Liam can already feel himself getting close, holding onto the bedsheets and biting his own lip to try to stop the noises he’s making.

“Zayn, babe. I’m already close.” Liam gently puts a hand on Zayn’s face and watches him move off with a glint in his eye.

“I know.” Is all he says, picking up the condom again, and tearing off the corner. “Show me?” They ask, taking the condom out of the wrapper and waiting for Liam.

“Here, give me your hands.” Liam waits for Zayn to shift between his legs and hold his hand out. He guides Zayn’s fingers, setting the condom the right way on top of his dick. “Right, now roll it down all the way.” He helps Zayn, his hands showing him how, but letting him do it himself. “Zayn…” Liam laughs and lays back again while Zayn gently moves his hand along Liam. “That feels amazing but I wasn’t kidding.” Liam is breathing hard and is doing his best to focus. “Your hands and your everything else are very talented.” 

Zayn smirks and removes his hand, instead laying himself flat on Liam again so they can kiss. After a minute he stops suddenly, “Sorry, should’ve asked. I don’t know if you like that. Dirty mouth and all.” Liam pulls him back in and kisses him even deeper. “I love it. Love tasting it on you.” Liam is matching Zayn’s confidence, both of them way too into this to bother with being embarrassed about what they like right now. Feeling how Liam is very into all of this calms Zayn down, understanding a bit more that this really isn’t one sided. That Liam loves him too and thinks he’s fit and all the rest.

Moving off of Liam, Zayn tries to decide where to position himself. He knows, is the thing. He knows that he’ll be too exposed on his knees. He knows having his back open like that will bring him back to that painful memory. But he should try.

“What’s wrong? You need a break?” Liam reaches out and rubs a hand on Zayn’s lower back making him shiver again.

“Just a sec.” Zayn makes a decision, placing himself on his hands and knees cautiously and taking deep breaths. Immediately he feels the walls closing in, his breathing spiralling out of control, his heart racing.

“Zayn, babe. It’s alright. It’s fine.” Liam sees Zayn panicking, can feel it in the room. Within seconds of Zayn placing himself on all fours Liam carefully puts his hands on Zayn’s shoulders and turns him over so he’s laying down again, Zayn immediately curling themself into a ball and covering their face.

“I can’t do that, Liam.” Zayn says through his tears, because he’s crying now, hiding himself away from that memory as best he can.

“Can I hold you?” Liam gets a quiet “yes” from inside of Zayn’s huddle and moves himself behind Zayn, holding him and kissing the top of his head and reminding him he’s safe, that Liam isn’t going anywhere. Zayn relaxes slowly, eventually unfolding and turning himself into Liam’s front while calming down.

“I can’t talk about it, Liam. But I can’t. I’m broken and I can’t do that and I’m sorry and I knew and I tried it anyway and it was a mistake.” Zayn says it all in a rush, pushing the sentence out of him and sharing the absolute most he can without bringing the panic back to the front. But he feels better having told Liam. 

“You don’t have to do a single thing you aren’t comfortable with for any reason. And you don’t have to talk about anything you aren’t ready to talk about.” Liam kisses Zayn’s forehead and wipes away any remaining tears. “Thank you for telling me. If you still want to do this, you pick how. How do you think you might be comfortable?”

Zayn thinks for a moment, kissing Liam’s chest and breathing deeply. “I think I want to be laying down with you on top of me. Would that be alright?”

Liam tilts Zayn’s chin up to look at him. “That would be perfect. We’ll have to be careful and slow, but that would be true no matter what.” Zayn pauses then moves up so he can kiss Liam. He rolls them over again so Liam is on top of him, kissing him and holding him and relaxing again as he does. He loves kissing Liam. It feels like they’re fully connected when they kiss. It feels safe. Zayn moves his hands down to Liam’s waist and tries to shift him between his own legs. Liam laughs softly, breaking their kiss.

“You ready?” He looks at Zayn with warm eyes, bringing a hand up to brush his cheek and run his fingers through Zayn’s hair. Zayn smiles in return and nods, shifting again to bring his knees up and to scoot a bit further down on the bed. “You’re in charge here, Zayn. You will not hurt my feelings or make me upset if you stop me or slow me down or tell me no. Alright?”

“Yeah…I really think I’m ready. And I know you’ll be careful. Go ahead, Li.” Zayn leans up for one more kiss before laying back down and waiting, moving Liam’s hands to his hips as if to encourage him to move them forward. Liam waits for another moment and really looks at Zayn, takes in everything about him and this moment, giving Zayn another breath to change his mind. But when Zayn puts a hand on his arm and gives it a gentle squeeze he realises that Zayn is both fully here right now and as ready as they’re going to be. Which is really all he needed to be sure of.

Liam moves himself until he’s truly between Zayn’s legs and places the tip of his dick in front of Zayn’s ass. He takes a deep breath and looks up at Zayn one more time. Zayn smiles and nods and opens his knees just a bit wider. Slowly, as slowly as he thinks he can possibly move, Liam pushes himself forward, just barely pressing inside of Zayn. “Breathe, Z. I need you to breathe, please.” Liam pauses and moves a hand to Zayn’s stomach, rubbing softly to comfort him. Zayn does just that, a deep breath in, holds it for a moment, then lets it out. “I’m alright. I’m fine. Feels weird but doesn’t hurt. You can keep going…Love you.”

“I love you, too. You’re doing amazing. Keep focusing on breathing.” Liam presses forward just a little bit more, shifting his weight so he’s a bit more in control of his body and widens his own knees a bit. This feels so completely different from the times he’s had sex before. Emotionally, but really truly different physically. He’s been so focused, so concentrated on going slow and making sure Zayn is alright, that when he looks down he realises he’s already about halfway inside. “You still doing alright? I’m about halfway. Do you need me to stop?”

Zayn doesn’t know how to describe what this feels like. It’s uncomfortable. That’s probably it. But he also likes the way he feels stretched. Liam’s been moving so slowly and keeping him relaxed the whole time. But he’s not in pain. That much he’s sure of. “I’m…I think I’m doing great actually.” Zayn smiles up at Liam. “Thought this would hurt worse. But I think you’re just being extra careful…it’s uncomfortable but it doesn’t hurt. Can you kiss me?”

“Don’t think I can right now, babe.” Liam thinks for a moment when he sees Zayn lose a bit of brightness at that. “Hold on a sec.” Liam moves himself slowly back out of Zayn and lays back on top of him, giving him the kiss he asked for and he feels it all the way in the core of himself when Zayn makes a happy little noise and puts his arms around Liam, holding him close.

“Thank you…for all of this. You’re so special, Liam.” Zayn’s eyes are wet, but these aren’t sad tears. He just feels a bit overwhelmed. He holds Liam close and kisses him for another minute, letting his hands roam from Liam’s hair to his back to his sides, anywhere he can reach. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. You’ve been so trusting. I don’t want you to think I missed that part of this. It feels so fragile, but so…important. All of this.” Liam rubs a hand on Zayn’s chest. The way Zayn is looking at him makes him want to cry. His eyes are wide open, so full of love and trust and joy. It’s a look he hasn’t seen in a very long time. Maybe ever. So he leans forward and kisses him again, bringing Zayn’s leg behind his back and letting Zayn hold him as close as they possibly can, understanding that’s what they need right now more than anything. They stay close, kissing and mumbling little nothing pet names to each other for a few minutes until Zayn pulls back and focuses in the middle distance.

“What is it, Z?” Liam rolls himself off to the side and takes one of Zayn’s hands, bringing it up to kiss his knuckles.

Suddenly Zayn’s face scrunches, clearly trying not to cry. “Why the fuck did we have to learn French?” Zayn’s lip wobbles a bit and a tear slides down his cheek, Liam wiping it away when he realises what Zayn means. The music in the background hasn’t stopped and the song they’re listening to is La Vie En Rose, the original by Edith Piaf, beautiful, romantic, and way too poignant for this night they’re having.

“Oh, sweetheart. It’s a bit too real, is it?” Liam listens to the lyrics too and Zayn nods, leaning over to kiss Liam before laying back down with sad eyes. “Maybe…this is a good thing. This song I mean.”

“How?” Zayn sounds like he has a sore throat, tears still in his eyes.

“Well, I want ways to remember this night. How special it is…what if we use this song?” Liam brushes his fingers through Zayn’s hair while they talk.

“You mean when we listen to it we can remember right now? I think it’d be hard to forget. I’m going to remember this for the rest of my life.” Zayn reaches out and brings Liam closer. He needs Liam with him.

“The song. But we can think of other things…the colour rose. It’s beautiful, soft, feels like it fits this. What do you think?” Liam tilts his head with a soft smile.

“Yeah. Rose pink. And roses. Every type. They’re everywhere. But that’s a good thing. I want a lot of reminders.” Zayn seems happy again, his tears having stopped and the light in his eyes shining again. “Thank you, Li. Now it’s special and not sad. Well…still sad, but now it’s special and sad. Like this.” Zayn shrugs his shoulders and kisses Liam. He doesn’t think he’s making much sense right now, but it seems Liam understands him anyway. “Can we keep going?” Zayn moves onto his back again and grabs at Liam’s waist to get him to move back on top of him.

“If that’s what you want. A rose by any other name doesn’t do you justice, Zayn. You’re more beautiful than any flower.” Liam moves himself between Zayn’s legs again, grabbing the lube from where they left it to add a bit more, just in case. Better too much than the alternative.

“Compliments will get you everywhere.” Zayn smiles up at Liam and opens his knees again, getting himself comfortable. “Did the song just start over?” Zayn giggles because that’s exactly what just happened.

“I swear that wasn’t me.” Liam laughs too and leans forward for one more kiss before he can’t for a few minutes. “The universe must’ve heard us. Really wants us to get the message. It’s the rose tinted life for us. That’s what we’re waiting for. I like it.” He smiles down at Zayn who has that look back in his eyes. Trust, love, joy, all of it. And so much light.

Liam presses into Zayn again, still going incredibly slowly. He’s always wondered what it means when people say someone feels tight, and now he’s pretty sure he knows. Zayn’s ass is a very strong muscle, and he’s very aware of it, doesn’t want to push too far too fast. And he can feel how relaxed (or not) Zayn is like this, so he’s constantly rubbing his thighs or his stomach or his chest, anything he can to keep Zayn calm and help him release. He loves this, taking care of Zayn and loving him so openly. It takes about two minutes, but eventually he’s all the way inside of Zayn and somehow it feels like a meaningful moment.

“Z, look at me.” Liam waits for Zayn to open his eyes. He’s been focusing on his breathing and relaxing which is great, but Liam wants to check on him. When he does Liam sees he’s still aware, hasn’t started to drift away. “I’m all the way in. You’re doing an incredible job. Absolutely perfect, Z.” Liam is rubbing his hands on the inside of Zayn’s thighs while he talks, seeing Zayn smile up at him as he does.

“I feel alright. It’s uncomfortable but I’m not in pain.” Zayn shifts himself just a bit and gasps softly. “Right, you’re in charge of moving at first. Just…go slow.”

“Of course. I love you.” Liam knows they both keep repeating it, but he feels like he needs to. This isn’t just sex, it’s so much more. Gently, Liam moves back out almost all of the way, then slowly back in again. He keeps moving at the same pace for a minute, watching how Zayn reacts as he does. Tight is one word for how it feels inside of Zayn, but he thinks tense might be a more accurate one. “Just need to check, you feel alright still? I don’t really have any frame of reference for this yet.”

Zayn thinks for a moment then nods. “One sec.” He shifts his legs a bit while Liam holds still, eventually finding the position that feels most comfortable. “I know you can’t yet, but I want you to hold me when you can. Please.”

“Of course. As soon as I can. Anything else before I keep moving?” Liam has his hands on Zayn’s hips to keep him steady in the new position he found. Zayn shakes his head no and breathes deep. “Feels fine. Not good yet, still uncomfortable. Is that what you need me to tell you?”

“Yeah, just need to make sure you’re still here with me and that you’re not in pain.” Liam starts moving again, noticing that Zayn is definitely more comfortable like this. He’s not nearly as tense and he feels confident moving a bit faster now.

Watching Liam be so careful with him, so considered and patient, confirms for Zayn that this is the only person in the entire world he would’ve wanted to share this with. Maybe he’ll eventually have sex with other people, but this first time where he’s so vulnerable and unsure, he could only trust that with Liam. And this new position feels…nice? It's not any feeling he’s familiar with, but he likes it? Yes, if he lets himself focus on how it feels this is better. He likes feeling Liam move inside of him, the way it stretches him and keeps them connected so tangibly. “Liam. I’m ready. Come hold me.” Zayn needs him close now that he’s past the discomfort.

Staying still for a moment, Liam gently drops himself forward until he’s laying on top of Zayn. Zayn immediately pulls him in for a kiss and puts his legs around Liam, groaning softly into the kiss as he does. “Update?” Liam asks, waiting to do anything again until Zayn confirms he’s alright.

“Good. So good. Feels nice now. I like having you connected like that. Like this.” Zayn is still kissing Liam, letting his hands move all over him. “Want this to be good for you too, Liam.”

“Zayn, you have no idea. You’re incredible. The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” Liam carefully starts moving inside of Zayn again, holding him close and kissing him. He can tell Zayn needed this, needed him close. He seems to genuinely be enjoying it now, moaning and snogging Liam and moving with him and it’s absolutely incredible. Liam has never known anything like this. When Zayn stops kissing him to bite his neck (gently, but still), Liam drops his head and groans, now feeling Zayn leaving a love bite in the same spot as if he knows what Liam was thinking.

“Fuck, Zayn. Do it again. Keep doing it. Just…oh my god.” Liam knows he’s getting close, and he thinks Zayn might be too. “Zayn, wait a sec.” Liam carefully pulls out of Zayn but doesn’t move away. Zayn pouts and reaches for Liam’s face, grabbing it with both of their hands to kiss him deep.

“Why’d you stop? You okay? I’m fine. I’m great. Was loving it. Loving you.” Zayn moves his mouth back to Liam’s neck and bites the spot where his neck meets his shoulder before kissing it gently.

“I’m…beyond words. But I wanted to ask if you wanted to try something.” Liam pulls his head back so he can look at Zayn properly. “I don’t know if you’ll feel comfortable, but I thought I’d offer.”

“What? Just tell me.” Zayn kisses Liam quickly before staring straight in his eyes. He’s breathing heavily still, both of them very much still in the moment.

“Well…tell me if this is crossing a line. But you need your back covered, right?” Liam waits to see Zayn’s reaction. It’s something he’s noticed but they haven’t talked about it. But it sort of came up earlier when Zayn started panicking about kneeling.

“Yeah, I…” Zayn trials off immediately, but doesn’t look away.

“You don’t have to tell me. I just wanted to know if you want me to try to be behind you? It would kind of be like me as big spoon, but that way I could hold you the whole time.” Liam watches Zayn tilt his head slightly before smiling, his eyes still a bit far away, but not far enough that Liam is worried.

“Hadn’t thought of that…'' Zayn traces Liam’s face with his fingertips before scooting himself onto his side, waiting for Liam to fit himself behind him. Liam lays himself down too, pulling Zayn into his front and holding him from behind, kissing his cheek and letting them get settled in.

“You want me to try like this? I’ll be careful. Promise.” Liam kisses Zayn’s neck and waits for an answer.

“Yeah. Try. Please.” Zayn sounds like he might be crying so Liam waits, turning Zayn’s face enough that they can see each other.

“Tears? Good tears or you want to stop tears?” Liam brushes a few away and contorts his body a bit so he can kiss the side of Zayn’s mouth.

“Good tears. Feel safe. Loved.” Zayn smiles softly and Liam understands. Zayn needed this but didn’t even know to ask. Liam knows what that’s like well enough.

“I’m so glad. That’s what I want. I want you safe and loved. Always. Tell me if something hurts or you want to stop.” Liam kisses Zayn one more time before getting himself in position. Carefully, he lines himself up again, pushing inside of Zayn slowly. It’s a new position so he doesn’t want to assume it’s fine.

“You can move, Liam. Doesn’t hurt.” Zayn pulls Liam’s arm around him, but leaves the other to hold him at the waist so Liam can make sure no one gets hurt. Liam kisses Zayn’s shoulder before doing just that, easing himself in and out of Zayn while holding him close. They’re quickly back into it, Zayn pushing back into Liam in a way he hadn’t before. And it feels amazing for Liam. Of course it does. Sure his abs are sore and it’s hard work, but it’s also the most special moment he’s ever had. He’s back to the edge so quickly with the way Zayn is moving around him and holding him as close as he can, given their position.

“Zayn, I’m close. So close.” Liam doesn’t know what Zayn wants here so he slows down while waiting for a response.

“Me too. But I want you to come in me, Liam. I want to know what it feels like. What you sound like when you do that.” Zayn turns his head and waits for Liam to manoeuvre himself for a kiss.

“Fuck, I can do that. I can definitely do that.” Liam kisses Zayn one more time before speeding up again. He’s glad they put music on because neither of them is being very quiet. Listening to Zayn, feeling him, having him so close, this is everything Liam wants. And before he knows it he’s letting go, coming inside of Zayn, holding him close and pushing his orgasm into him from behind, biting down on his shoulder to muffle the sound he’s making. That was by far the most intense orgasm he’s ever had in his life, and coming down from it takes a minute. He keeps moving, slowing down and breathing heavy, kissing every inch of Zayn he can reach and keeping him close.

As Liam comes down from his high, Zayn feels his own just out of reach. Having Liam hold him close like that, moaning into his ear and pushing himself as far inside as he could, was…special. Zayn’s glad Liam came first. Hearing and feeling that is the hottest thing he’s ever known. He’s never been more ready to let go, be loud, make a mess, all of it.

“You’re. That was. Oh my god.” Seems Liam has lost the ability to make sentences. Carefully, he pulls out of Zayn, scooting back enough to remove the now spent condom and shifting off the bed to throw it away. “Come here, Zayn. You are incredible. That was incredible.” Liam pulls Zayn into his arms again, kissing him hard and slow, hoping he can feel everything that he can’t put into words right now. “Your turn, too. What do you want?”

Zayn knows what he wants, but he’s not sure how Liam will feel about it. “You can say no.” Zayn says, before even telling Liam what he wants.

“That was the most incredible orgasm of my life. Just tell me what you want, Z.” Liam kisses Zayn again and holds him on his chest for a moment.

“I want to lay on my back and have you ride me. I don’t mean like…you know. Just like move yourself on me, let your body move across my dick. Hands on my chest. I want to watch you on me.” Zayn closes his eyes just imagining it. Maybe someday Liam can ride him for real. But for now, that’s more than enough. He’ll be gone in less than a minute, he’s sure of it.

Liam gently pushes on Zayn’s shoulders until he’s laying flat against the bed, sitting up and arranging himself around Zayn’s hips. “Like this?” He carefully puts his hands on Zayn’s chest. “Why don’t you hold my hips and move me?” Zayn immediately reaches out for Liam’s hips and positions him where he wants him, bottom lip held in his teeth. 

“Liam, look at me. I want you to see it.” Zayn waits for Liam to drop his head and meet his eyes. “Fuck. Yes, like that.” Zayn closes his eyes for a moment to recenter, starting to move his hips beneath Liam, and guiding Liam’s body at the same time. He reopens his eyes to see Liam with his head thrown back, can see his abs working as he moves across Zayn’s dick, hands holding tight to Zayn’s chest. The image alone is almost enough to make him come. “Talk to me, Liam.”

Zayn feels more confident telling Liam what to do now. He knows what he wants and Liam seems to have no hesitation in giving him anything he asks for.

“Should I tell you that this is incredible? That someday I want to ride you for real? Let you come inside of me, feel it like you did a minute ago? I’ve had dreams about it. Incredible dreams. I want to feel you come, Zayn.” Liam is breathing heavily while he talks, loving the way Zayn has taken control of this and is guiding them both to do what he needs. “Let go for me…I love you.”

And Zayn does. He thrusts and groans and holds Liam on him by the hips while he comes, making a mess of his chest but not caring at all. Liam on top of him is something he wants. Someday, he wants this. Wants to be with Liam in that way too. And this was close enough to get him to his orgasm so quickly.

Liam slows down as Zayn finishes, his breathing returning to normal and his eyes opening to find Liam staring down at him. “Can I clean you up?” Liam asks, another thing he didn’t know he wanted until just now.

“What?” Zayn is still a bit out of breath, and not focusing super well. Liam shifts himself a bit and clarifies, “Can I clean you up? Use my mouth to clean your stomach and your chest?”

“Of…of course.” Zayn carefully puts a hand on the back of Liam’s head and guides it towards his stomach. Liam has no hesitation, licking up every bit he sees, leaving kisses and tiny love bites as he goes, basically worshipping Zayn beneath him while Zayn keeps a hand in his hair and just feels so incredibly loved and adored in this moment.

When Liam seems to be satisfied, Zayn puts a finger under his chin and guides their mouths together, moaning when he tastes himself on Liam. “I know what you meant now.” Zayn says between them. “Tasting myself on you. It’s…” He doesn’t know the word for it so he just pulls Liam’s body closer and kisses him again, over and over in a way that feels infinite, like they’ll never have to stop.

But of course they do. They’re both tired and spent and satisfied.

“Liam, I’m so happy right now. So happy. You love me so much. So completely.” Zayn kisses Liam’s forehead and puts his head on his chest, sighing softly when Liam nuzzles a bit and relaxes on top of him.

“So so happy, Zayn. So complete. I’ve wanted this for so long. And I love you.” Liam has never felt so at peace. Completely well rested, even though what they’ve just done was a very active endeavour.

“Can we lay here for a while? Cuddle? It feels safe, too.” Zayn wants to be on Liam’s chest now, so he switches them, Liam laying on the cleaner(er) side on the bed, and Zayn draping himself on top of him.

“Yeah. Cuddles and love and snogging. Sounds perfect.” Liam runs his hands along Zayn’s back and settles in. This feels like home.

***

“I’m thinking about giving up Rugby.” Liam’s been quiet for a few minutes, holding Zayn on his chest. “Been thinking about it for a few months.”

“You love rugby.” Zayn adds, not a question, just a fact. He’s moving his hand in small circles on Liam’s chest, comfortably relaxed on top of him. They’ve been cuddling for almost an hour, snogging and talking and laughing and just sharing space.

“But when I think about it, the things I love about it I can find elsewhere. And I don’t think I can feel comfortable in that environment anymore.” Liam’s looking out the window while he talks until he feels Zayn shift a bit. He looks down to see the obvious question in Zayn’s eyes as they focus on Liam. “It’s the culture of it. Homophobic. Racist. Casual violence as if it’s a joke. I’ve tried to do something about it, and none of them seem to see the issue. Not even the coaches.”

“Alright. I can see that. I know it’s been bothering you the past few years.” Zayn lets his fingertips trace over the side of Liam’s face, soothing some of the worry he sees there. “There something you want to do instead? Seems you’ve thought this through.”

“I think…” Liam’s never mentioned what he actually wants to Zayn or their friends, afraid they’ll mock him or think it’s a bad idea.

“What is it? I’m not about to laugh, Liam. You can do anything you want with your life and be absolutely brilliant at it.” Zayn moves up to give Liam a soft kiss.

“Do you think I could maybe be a teacher?” Liam’s forehead is wrinkled and he’s nervously biting his lip. Zayn smiles wide and kisses him again.

“I think you’d be a brilliant teacher.” Zayn is smiling so bright right now that it immediately eases the knot of anxiety that had been building in Liam’s chest.

“You think so? You can tell me if I’m being daft.” Liam has wanted to bring this up for months but wasn’t sure how. He felt like he needed to figure a few things out first, make sure it was even a possibility.

“Liam. Listen to me. That is potentially the best idea you’ve ever had.” Zayn sits up so he can explain himself properly. “You are patient and kind. You love to do research. You’re ace at explaining complicated things to people. You absorb new information like a sponge. You’re the smartest person I know…the world needs more people like you as teachers.”

Liam sits up now too, excited now that he’s not keeping this dream to himself anymore. “I want to study history. But like, proper history. Not half the bullshit they’ve tried to spoonfeed us.”

“Tell me more.” Zayn makes that a bit difficult by snogging Liam enthusiastically, his arms going around his shoulders as he kneels across Liam’s lap. “Fuck, this is so exciting, Li.”

“I know it’ll be a lot of work and I won’t be able to teach for years. But I think it’s what I want to do. I think it’s worth it.” Liam’s forehead is wrinkled again, his mind straying down those familiar paths of worry and foresight and focusing too much on the trees and not the forest that holds them.

“Shhhhh.” Zayn puts a hand in Liam’s hair and kisses his troubled forehead gently. “I can practically hear your brain working right now. Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been thinking about. Did you already choose a school? Who else knows?”

Liam spends the next twenty minutes filling Zayn in on all the things he’s been working on in private while he was writing his book. How he found schools in London where he had a good chance of being admitted. How he already applied and got in. How his dad is the only person who knows right now (though he’s positive his mum knows, but he hasn’t been able to talk about it yet). How he’s started slowly reading more books about the subjects he’s interested in, hoping to have a bit of a head start so he feels prepared. Zayn listens patiently to all of it, sharing Liam’s excitement and reminding him he loves him and that he’s so proud of him.

***

“Liam?” Zayn waits for Liam to glance up at them from his spot on their chest. They’ve been relaxing to the music and cuddling, occasionally humming along. Zayn loves having Liam lay on him, a warm presence in more ways than one.

“Hm?” Liam kisses Zayn’s chest and turns his head to look up at Zayn.

“Read to me?” Zayn loves Liam’s voice. He reads so well and with such care, placing meaning behind the words as he does.

“Hamlet, I’m guessing?” Liam rolls off of Zayn after he nods and walks over to the overflowing bookshelf against the side wall. “We’ll have to get another one of these when we’re in London. Already running out of room.”

“You…want me to come with you?” Zayn looks confused while he sits up, watching Liam pick apart the piles of books searching for Zayn’s copy. “But Liam, I’m not going to school. I’ve already decided. I graduate and I’m done.”

“I know.” Liam glances back at Zayn with a knowing smile before continuing his search. “Still think you should come with me. Louis and Harry will be in London too, if their plans work out. H isn’t going to school either. I think you’ll like the city…and of course I want you to come with me.”

“Even if we’re…flat mates?” Zayn’s proceeding with caution here. They haven’t talked about what happens after graduation, at least not concretely. Of course he wants to go to London with Liam and their friends. But he didn’t think he could without some sort of invitation.

“We better be. I’m not living with those two. I know too much already. We all do.” Liam laughs and stands up, finally having found Zayn’s favourite copy of Hamlet, a vintage one from the 1950s with a worn orange cover that he’s been annotating steadily for years.

“Okay….alright.” Zayn sighs, letting his shoulders relax again. “Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, love. You can always be honest with me.” Liam leans over for a kiss before settling himself on the bed again with his back against the headboard.

“I’ve been worried about what happens next. Like next year. I didn’t feel like I could ask you to take me along. I want you to have your space. Figured you would want it.” Zayn takes one of Liam’s hands to fiddle with, not meeting Liam’s eyes.

“Babe. Look at me.” Zayn still won’t meet Liam’s eyes, just shrugs his shoulders, tears starting in his eyes and he tries to hide a sniffle. “Oh, Z. Why would you think that? Hm?” Liam sets the book aside to pull Zayn into a hug. “Of course I want you to come to London with me. If I wanted space I would have it. The girls don’t even live here anymore. There’s two perfectly good bedrooms that one of us could take. You’re a smart person. Do the maths. Why do you think we still share a room and a bed and everything else?” Zayn shrugs again, even though Liam is still hugging him. “I don’t need space from you, Zayn. And if I ever do, I will let you know, alright?”

“But I know you, Liam. Don’t want you to feel like you have to keep me around. You’re going to have a remarkable life. It’s natural for you to want to make new friends and whatever.” Zayn finally glances up at Liam and sees him smiling softly. Liam should’ve seen this coming, should’ve known Zayn didn’t understand that they would always be an integral part of his life.

“So I make new friends. Why on earth should that mean I give you up? Or any of our friends for that matter.” Liam hugs Zayn again, cradling the back of his head. “I’m not a finite resource. I can keep you close and still expand my life. We’ve all been doing it our whole lives, and our group has never grown apart.”

Zayn pulls away from the hug and starts gently moving Liam to a new spot. “That makes sense…Think I just see myself as a burden. I know, babe.” Zayn lets a quiet smile reach his eyes when he hears Liam’s immediate protest. “I know you don’t see it that way. I have to unlearn it. But it’s still how it feels.” He’s moved Liam so that he’s sitting with his back against the headboard, a pillow supporting his head, and his legs open, Zayn fitting himself in between them so he can lay back against his chest.

“Comfortable?” Liam asks, now that they’re resettled. Zayn nods and turns his head for a kiss, which Liam gives happily. Zayn picks up his book, this book that he has spent hours and days deciphering, the steady rhythm of its words giving structure to his grief. Liam wraps his arms around Zayn gently so he can hold the book, opening to the middle and waiting for Zayn to turn to the page he wants. Liam sees Act Three and kisses Zayn’s temple, knowing that Zayn will never tire of these words.

“I know they’re famous, and I know that maybe it’s over analysed and whatever. But they still mean a lot to me.” Zayn trails his fingertips over the famous passage as if he can feel the words through his skin, like when he takes his hand back the ink will have stained his fingers red, the book bleeding back onto him the way he’s bled dry after reading them. “He knew this pain. Knew the agony of existence. And at least in this, I’ve felt less alone. Someone, somewhere understood how it feels. And I’m so grateful to have them.”

“Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. If it matters to you, it matters.” Liam turns Zayn’s head gently to give him another kiss before guiding him to lay back on his chest again while he starts reading. “To be or not to be…that is the question……” Liam reads the passage carefully, and when he reaches the end Zayn asks him to start again. He reads it slightly differently each time, Zayn listening intently and asking Liam to read it over and over, the combination of these beloved words and his beloved person healing a piece of him that he’s been nursing for years. When he finally feels a little peace, he places a hand over the book and sighs deeply, closing it and setting it aside, turning himself around in Liam’s arms so he can be held close while he thinks.

***

“What are mum and your dad going to do when we go to London?” Zayn is digging in their drawer for some joggers, throwing a red pair to Liam to pull on.

“Get a dog, probably.” Liam laughs when Zayn turns around immediately, his entire face lit up.

“You really think so? What kind of dog? Do you think they might get it now? Before we move in a few months? I love dogs, Liam. Maybe tomorrow I’ll ask mum about it.” Zayn is standing in place, completely distracted now while he thinks about the possibilities. Liam walks over and grabs a pair of joggers from the drawer and hands them to Zayn, kissing him on the cheek to get his attention.

“Put your joggers on and then we can talk about a dog.” Liam knew Zayn loved dogs but had no idea he loved them this much. If he knew that he would’ve had his parents get a dog years ago.

“I already have a list of names. I’ve wanted a dog my whole life…we don’t have any plans tomorrow. Today. Whatever fucking day it is. Can we go see some dogs?” Zayn is talking faster than Liam has ever heard, his enthusiasm infectious, struggling to pull on his joggers because he’s so distracted. Liam guides him back to the bed so they can watch YouTube for a bit to pass some time. It’s mostly just an excuse to cuddle some more.

“We can go see some dogs tomorrow, but we can’t pick one for the whole family, babe. I think my parents have to do that.” Liam chuckles while they get snuggled up again under the sheets.

“Fine. But I’m still asking mum everyday until it happens. I want a dog. I know we can’t have one in the city, at least not yet. But we’ll be home visiting all the time. And it’ll be good for them. Empty nest and all that. Need someone to take care of. And it’ll make sure your parents get outside because they’ll have to take it for walks and make sure it gets exercise and has time with its dog friends and meets all the neighbours.” Zayn opens Liam’s laptop and immediately starts to google, ignoring Liam’s laugh as he searches for dog rescues nearby, bookmarking a few as he goes.

***

“Shhhh. Everyone else is asleep, Z.” Liam hugs Zayn around the waist from behind and kisses his neck. They’re in the kitchen now, having decided they need snacks and Liam also insisting on tea if they’re going to be awake another few hours. They’ve added old jumpers on top of their joggers, but it’s still chilly in the middle of the night as they wander barefoot through the house.

Zayn has the fridge door open, picking out a few leftovers from the party for them to share. “Extra hot, Liam. I want it practically boiling.” Zayn whispers when he sees Liam filling the electric kettle. Liam nods and turns to the cupboard, getting down their favourite mugs, the ones they’ve had in this house since they were kids, Liam’s red with an L on the side and Zayn’s a rainbow of chaos. They made them on a family activity trip to one of those little shops where you get to paint a mug or a bowl or a vase or whatever and then pick it up the next day. The other kids had taken theirs home with them, but Zayn had handed his to Karen to keep safe.

A pattering sound catches Zayn’s attention and he turns to look out the window. He sees what he was hoping, gentle rain tapping on the glass as the sky opens itself up, giving this gift to the world. And to Zayn. Liam has been lost in his memories since seeing the mugs and jumps when Zayn holds him close from behind, placing a kiss behind his ear. “Come with me.” He whispers before stepping back and taking Liam by the hand, leading him to the door and walking him outside. Liam hesitates when he notices the rain but Zayn smiles and tugs on his hand so he follows, wincing as the cold water hits his face. Zayn is radiant, just completely full of joy and wonder and Liam lets out a laugh, ignoring the rain now because how could he focus on anything else? Zayn walks calmly into the yard, Liam holding tight to his hand and following behind.

They reach the pavement and Liam hesitates again, but Zayn doesn’t stop. He walks them into the middle of the street and tugs Liam down to lay with him in the road.

“But what if-” Zayn rolls over and kisses away the rest of Liam’s sentence and the anxiety behind it.

“It’s 2 in the morning. No one is driving down this road at 2 in the morning. And we’ll hear them if they do.” Zayn rolls onto his back again and closes his eyes, letting the rain soak him all the way down to his bones, a calm smile solidly in place. Liam squeezes his hand but follows along, letting his face turn up to the clouds and his body relax into the ground. He trusts Zayn.

The rain falls all around them, softening the edges of the harsh world. They can smell the petrichor so strongly this close to the ground, a smell that has always meant peace to Zayn because it’s when the world gets quiet. And it’s cold but not enough to be uncomfortable, just enough for Liam to scoot closer to Zayn so they can share a bit of warmth. Without opening his eyes, Zayn brings Liam’s hand up to his mouth to kiss his knuckles and scoot even closer still, the contrast between the warmth of Liam and the cool of the storm helping Zayn feel less than numb in a way that he hasn’t in a very long time.

“Liam?” Zayn mumbles, quietly because any louder would feel disrespectful to the moment.

“Zayn.” Liam keeps his face turned to the sky, waiting for whatever comes next. His anxiety has never felt less loud, the rain keeping it at bay somehow.

“My dad told me that when a baby can’t calm down you either bring it outside or put it in water…I think it works on big kids too.” Zayn rolls himself to lay halfway on top of Liam, both of them soaking wet but happy.

“Are you calling me a big baby?” Liam cracks a smile and turns his head to look at where Z is resting on his shoulder.

“Are you saying it worked?” Zayn smiles back and puts his hand on Liam’s cheek before leaning in for a rain soaked kiss.

They lay together in the street until the rain lets up.

***

Stripping off their dripping clothes and stepping into the hot shower is a shock to both of their systems. They’re shivering and smiling and kissing and free. That’s what this feeling is. They both feel free. And even if it’s just for a few minutes, it matters. So they take their time warming each other up under the hot water, snogging lazily just because they can, loving each other in a way that’s as natural as breathing (and in many ways easier). They dry off with fluffy towels and pick out the softest, warmest clothes they can find to snuggle in the bed again with their tea and their snacks. Things are quiet now. They don’t need to talk when they share this feeling. Because there’s no words that could ever describe it.

***

“I want tattoos. Like dozens of them. I’ve been planning and waiting until we’re old enough. Have a whole notebook filled with sketches of what I want.” Zayn is snuggled into Liam’s side while they watch old Batman cartoons and sip their tea.

“Me too, actually. Well, maybe not dozens. But I love the idea of marking my body with images that mean something to me. Or even just things that make me happy.” Liam tilts Zayn’s chin up for a kiss with that thought, smiling into it. “Like those beautiful brown eyes of yours. I look in your eyes and everything else goes quiet.”

Zayn giggles and drops his head. “You’re a sap. But I love you.” He picks up Liam’s hand and plays with his fingers for a minute. “Wanna see the sketches?” Zayn glances back up at Liam and sees him nod. He climbs over Liam and laughs when Liam taps him gently on the bum. “Naughty.” He mutters over his shoulder, smiling at Liam who looks very happy right now, setting aside their tea so it won’t spill. Zayn always has about a dozen or so notebooks in use at a time, left haphazardly around the room in places only he knows. Glancing around for a moment he reaches by the foot of the bed and picks up a yellow moleskine, grabbing a pen off the bedside table before resettling in Liam’s space.

Starting at the beginning, Zayn flips through the pages, pausing occasionally when Liam makes a comment or has a question about a picture. About a dozen pages in Liam stops his hand, laying his own on top of it and glancing at Zayn.

“Are these…?” He’s searching Zayn’s eyes, which makes him forget to say the rest of his question out loud.

“Yeah. Wedding mandalas…” Zayn shifts their hands so that he can place the sketches near his left hand, picturing them permanently inked there. “If I get married I’ve always wanted to wear red and have the traditional mehndi like the brides…d’you think that might ever happen?”

“Do you want it to?” Liam knows Zayn is still scared about being so openly genderqueer, that even though he’s out and comfortable talking about it most of the time, it’s complicated and sometimes they worry about how people will react. Understandable, given how the world is.

“If I ever get married, which, I can’t even go there right now. But if someday I get married, I want those things. I want to be ready to be so unapologetic and secure enough in my own self to fuck with those gender roles and not care who talks shit.” Zayn is tracing the designs over and over with his fingertips. It’s clear they mean more to him than any other in this book. “I just, ever since I was like a toddler, I would see the brides and I knew I wanted to be them. Never saw myself in the groom’s place. I wanted the bright reds and the beautiful henna and the traditions, well some of them, and it didn’t click why until I started figuring out my gender situation…and now that I know, I want that. For me. And for the kid I was who would gaze longingly at the beautiful art I saw and wish I could have it on my own skin…why are you crying?”

Liam sniffles and wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand before kissing Zayn like a vow, gently laying him down and holding him like he might break. Zayn feels Liam’s tears against his cheek and isn’t surprised to feel his own eyes starting to tear up in response. They kiss and they cry and they ignore the world around them for a few more minutes before they come back to themselves. Liam holds Zayn’s face in both of his hands, making sure Zayn is listening. “You’re so fucking special, you know that? You deserve the whole world, whatever you want. You’re beautiful. And I meant that you are beautiful, not your face or your hair or your body. You. Your soul and your heart and your mind. All those things that you are. Just absolutely radiant. I’ll never be able to explain it to you properly, Zayn.” So he kisses Zayn again and hopes that he understands.

“Liam…” Zayn mumbles into the kiss. “I want to show you another picture.” Zayn waits for Liam to sit up before picking the notebook back up and opening to the page with the mandalas again.

“Show me whatever you want, Z. Is it another tattoo?” Liam is holding Zayn from behind, chin rested on their shoulder while they look at the drawings together.

“Yes…and no. Liam, do you know what tattoos usually go with mandalas?” Zayn turns his head slightly and sees Liam shake his head no. Zayn pauses before turning the page. “I swear I drew these months ago. No way I could’ve known.” He finally turns the page, showing groupings of roses next to the mandalas, different patterns and arrangements but all the same theme. Roses and mandalas, overlapping, surrounding, supporting, intertwining. Liam stares at them for a few moments, the weight of it hitting him.

“A rose by any other name, Li.” Zayn takes Liam’s left hand and kisses the top of it, in the spot where a bridal mehndi would go. “A rose to match…I drew these for two people to share.”

“Two people, hm?” Liam smiles and kisses Zayn, intertwining their fingers while he does. “We’re a bit young to be talking marriage, don’t you think? Mum might want us to wait a year or two at least. Finish school and all that.” Liam giggles when Zayn rolls his eyes. He knows Liam is teasing, that he’s happy Zayn showed him these pictures. It feels good to be able to joke about this, no longer ignoring what’s between them.

“Tell that to Louis. He’s already got his engagement plans ready.” Zayn goes back to flipping through the book with a smile, his heart never having felt lighter.

“I’m aware. Who do you think has been helping him?” Liam tickles Zayn, fingers teasing at his sides while he laughs and drops the book and rolls over on the bed, taking Liam with him. They stare at each other with shining eyes and soft smiles, breathing heavily from the rough housing. Zayn shifts them so they’re laying side by side and takes Liam’s left hand again. Making sure Liam is watching, he turns it over and slowly kisses the palm of his hand before closing Liam’s fingers as if to hold it there.

“Roses do not bloom hurriedly; for beauty, like any masterpiece, takes time to bloom." Zayn waits a moment for the words to process before adding, “Keep that rose safe for me? It will last longer than any rose from any garden. All you have to do is think of tonight, and of me. And the kiss I left where the rose might someday go.”

“That rose is more precious to me than you could ever know. I’ll keep it. Always.” Liam knows the metaphor ran out at some point, and that Zayn knows it too. But neither of them cares or thinks they’ll find a better one. It’s not about the rose, it’s about the keeping.

***

“Time’s it?” Zayn rubs at his eyes, adorably sleepy where he’s laying next to Liam. Liam glances at his phone briefly before sighing. “About an hour til sunrise. You tired?”

“Yeah.” Zayn mumbles, nuzzling his way into Liam’s neck and breathing deeply. “But no sleep til the sun’s up…We should talk though.”

“Been talking all night, babe.” Liam strokes Zayn’s back while they cuddle together. How has the night passed so quickly? If he could just hold Zayn like this, keep him safe and warm and happy…

“We need rules. Boundaries. For after we wake up tomorrow.” Zayn pulls away enough so they can look at each other, eventually sitting up so they can both focus better. “What we’re okay with, what we need to agree to moving forward. The adult shit.”

Liam sits up too, holding Zayn’s hand while they face each other. “Yeah…best we decide that now so there’s no misunderstandings or anything. Which, that needs to be our first rule. Talking about shit when it’s bothering us. We both need to be better about that.”

“Agreed. I think after tonight it’ll be easier. We’ve both been more honest than ever before. So we just try to keep doing that, even when it’s hard.” Zayn knows this is an issue for him. He’s still learning to push past his immediate impulse to shut down and pretend he’s fine. It’s easier with Liam, but the wall is still there for him to climb, at least on most days.

“What else? You have anything specific?” Liam sees Zayn staring at nothing, a sign he’s processing before deciding what to say.

Zayn looks up, studies Liam’s face for a moment, then leans in and kisses him gently, keeping their faces close after their lips separate again. “We can’t…I can’t kiss you after we wake up tomorrow. At least not until we’re ready for there to be an us. Officially. It means too much with you. It means everything.” Zayn’s eyes are wet, so torn up because this is all he wants, so badly that he wishes they could just say fuck it and let it happen. But they can’t, and if they can’t then they can’t kiss.

“Just want to make sure I clarify because some people see them as separate things: that also includes nothing more, right? No sex of any kind. Basically start with kissing and beyond, it’s all off limits?” Liam would assume so, but he knows people who do more, but don’t kiss, and he doesn’t want any expectations that don’t match.

“Yeah. No kissing. No sex. But can we still cuddle and hug and all the rest? My boundary starts at kissing, but I need to know where yours is too.” Zayn is itching to fidget, so he takes both of Liam’s hands and traces patterns on them, as if envisioning what he would draw there.

Liam smiles down at where Zayn’s fingers are dancing over his palms, thinking for a minute before giving Zayn his answer. “I think kissing is a good boundary. Would feel too weird if we weren’t still physically close. We’ve been all over each other our whole lives and when I consider it, removing that would hurt both of us, I think.” Zayn nods while still looking down at their hands. Liam feels like he can understand a bit of the path of Zayn’s mind by the way his fingers move, the speed and the patterns and the intensity. Zayn has always communicated best this way.

“Zayn. I have another one, but you’re not going to like it.” Liam closes his fingers gently around Zayn’s until they look up at him. “You can’t push me away.”

“I won’t.” Zayn tilts his head, confused. He would never want to be apart from Liam if he didn’t have to be.

“I don’t just mean physically. I mean when I do what you’ve asked and start making new friends and maybe even dating. Don’t assume I want you gone. I never want that. I want you to hear that, and know that if anything changes, we already agreed that we’ll communicate honestly about these things. I do not want space from you. You are not a burden. I am fucking lucky to have you in my life and I will love you and want you close, regardless of our relationship status. Alright?” Liam is watching Zayn closely and he sees something move in his eyes, and he knows what comes next. “Zayn. Focus on me. Squeeze my hands.” Instead Liam feels his hands lose their energy. The warmth leaves them while Zayn’s mind trails off along a path down which Liam can’t follow.

Zayn is trying to focus like Liam said but he can’t. What Liam’s asking should be simple, should be straightforward. But it’s not. Liam says he doesn’t want space now, that he isn’t a burden now, but Zayn barely believes that. How is he supposed to think that extends into perpetuity? What happens when the nightmares don’t stop? When it’s five or even ten years from now and he still gets panic attacks? When he shares more of what happened to him and it scares Liam? When he’s dating someone and Liam has to choose between being there for Zayn and meeting them for a night out? He doesn’t want Liam to have to make that choice. He doesn’t want to be an obstacle in Liam’s way. He can’t be. That would hurt Zayn more than being cut off. Maybe he should just not go to London with Liam. Make it easier for Liam to have his own life. Make it so Liam never has to choose. Maybe - 

“Zayn.” Liam must’ve left at some point because Zayn feels something cool against the back of his neck. Wet. Cold. Probably a damp flannel or something. “Come back to me. I’m right here. Try to find me.” Zayn hears Liam’s voice but he can’t make his eyes focus on him. He’s staring but he’s not seeing anything. He can hear Liam talking, just can’t really make out the words. Zayn feels something warm on his face and it takes him a moment but he realises it’s Liam’s hand, like a tiny little heater warming him up. Zayn’s whole body shivers and he blinks a few times, his eyes finally starting to actually see again, even if he still can’t focus very well. After a moment Liam’s face comes into view, calm and steady and waiting. He can tell the moment Liam sees his eyes clear because he relaxes with a soft smile.

“There you are. Come here.” Liam pulls Zayn into a hug and rubs his back, Zayn shaking a bit from the aborted panic. “It was only a minute this time. You didn’t go very far. Just needed a tug on that string to show you the way. Remember how you told me about that? How when you try to explain the place you go you think of Ariadne and the maze and you need a reminder that you have the way out if you can just find it? I love the way your mind works, Z. Even when it takes you away you always have a way back.”

Zayn holds Liam close, mind still preoccupied, but at least he’s back in the moment. He tries to ground himself one sense at a time, smelling the soap from their shower on Liam’s skin, warming up by being in Liam’s arms, hearing the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears, suddenly far too loud. “Liam, I don’t want you to have to choose…This is me telling you what I’m thinking, like we agreed. I can’t ask you to choose between me and the rest of your life. And my brain is telling me that I should let you go to London without me and live a glorious life and save you that decision.”

“But Zayn. Don’t you see? Let your mind be quiet for a moment.” Liam takes Zayn’s hand and sneaks it under his own jumper so he can rest it just above his heart. “Tell me what you feel, Z. You know me, better than anyone. Is my heart racing? Am I anxious? Scared?” Zayn shakes his head, feeling Liam’s steady heartbeat and even breathing beneath his hand. Liam is calm, his body relaxed. He presses gently where his hand is resting until Liam lays down, Zayn curling up on top of him, head on Liam’s chest by where his hand remains.

“What my brain and my heart are telling me don’t match. My brain says you want a break, my heart says you want me close.” Zayn is honestly trying his best to communicate what he’s feeling, since they’ve already agreed to that. And it’s taking a lot of effort to do so. He would normally keep this to himself and just assume the worst.

“Trust your instincts, Z. You know I love you. You know I want you with me, now and in the future. It’s alright if your head has a hard time believing it. You’ve been taught not to trust yourself in the worst way. So I’ll just keep reminding you.” Liam is running his hands through Zayn’s hair while they talk. “And thank you for being honest with me about how you’re feeling. It helps to know where you are so I can remind you that I’m here. And so that I can be honest too. And I honestly want you to come to London with me and keep being my person and an integral part of whatever my life will be. I’m not lying. You would know if I was lying.”

“You never lie to me. Or really to anyone. Sometimes little white lies to your parents, but even those aren’t very convincing.” Zayn smiles thinking about how miserable Liam is at trying to get away with things, usually just admitting his mistakes before they can even be brought up by anyone else. God, what a remarkable person he is. Zayn squeezes him tight for a moment before relaxing again. “Do we need to keep talking about rules for tomorrow or do you think we have it covered?”

Liam kisses the top of Zayn’s head before answering, “Honest conversations. No kissing or anything further. No pushing each other away. Still cuddles and hugs and being there for each other. That about cover it?” Zayn nods and kisses Liam’s chest before sliding his hand back out from under his jumper.

“An hour til sunrise you said?” Zayn has a sparkle back in his eyes now while he shifts to look at Liam. “Kiss me until our lips are raw and tell me you love me.” Liam can’t think of a single reason not to, so he does. He kisses Zayn and holds him and loves him and he knows. He knows that someday they’ll have this. And it will be worth it because they’ll have worked to get back to this place. To a better one. But this, them together, this is not just for tonight. Their inertia led them here, and it will bring them back together when it’s time. Liam doesn’t have a single doubt that this is just a pause for them to heal.

***

The sky turns grey later than scheduled, and Zayn is grateful for the delay. He and Liam are still snuggled together, drowsy, melancholy, sombre. They stare at each other, neither wanting to look away, trying to memorise this chapter of their story. Zayn is tracing Liam’s lips with his fingers and Liam feels like he’s being christened, this night having reset both of their trajectories, and the path ahead yet to be decided. Liam spends his last few precious minutes studying the exact way that the dawn hits Zayn’s eyes, the golden amber softened just as the world had been when they were in love in the rain.

Zayn can’t stop staring at Liam’s lips, knowing that this is the exact colour of rose that he’s always going to remember. This beautiful soft pink, these lips that speak love and hold truth. Zayn may write another book, maybe even many more, but he’ll never be able to explain this night and this feeling to anyone except for Liam. What they’ve shared is just for them. Beautiful, painful, exhausting, hopeful, so many moments they’ll be remembering for the rest of their lives.

“What are you thinking about?” Liam mutters quietly against Zayn’s fingertips.

“Your lips.” Zayn leans forward and kisses him briefly.

“What about them?” Liam’s turn to kiss Zayn now, closing his eyes and knowing they’ll only have a few more.

“Secret.” Zayn whispers back. “I’ll tell you someday. Later…What are you thinking about?”

“Your eyes.” Liam can’t stop the way his voice catches now. The sun is relentless in its determination to rise, even as they both will it to slow down, but Liam is the one facing the window. “Zayn, I love you so much. You have no idea how much tonight meant to me.”

“I do, Liam. I understand. I love you and I always will and tonight was perfect. Just for us.” Zayn gently wipes away the tear that was sliding down Liam’s cheek, ignoring his own. “Thank you. For tonight, and every night before, and every night that’s going to come after. Thank you for loving me and keeping me safe. Thank you for being the person you are.” Zayn sniffles, seeing the way Liam’s face is slowly coming into focus as the sun rises.

“This isn't it, Zayn. Nothing ends here, alright? We’re just taking care of ourselves for a bit. But I know we’ll find our way back. When it’s time. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” Liam waits for Zayn to nod, both of them teary but content. They both needed this night.

“Sun’s almost up, Li…kiss me again. Then we have to sleep.” Zayn leans forward and Liam kisses him easily, finding each other with their eyes closed on instinct. It’s soft and slow and sure. And they both know it’s enough, can feel the finality of it echoing back to them through the other. They pull back at the same time and keep each other close, taking a breath.

“Sleep time. Otherwise how are we going to be awake enough to go meet those dogs in a few hours?” Liam smiles, knowing he’s just played his ace when Zayn giggles and starts to turn him around.

“Just so you know we’re getting a dog someday, little spoon.” Zayn kisses the back of Liam’s neck now that they’re snuggled into their sleeping spots. “When we’re ready for…all of it. We’re getting a dog. Deal?”

“Deal. I would shake on it, but I’m too tired. Spoon me.” Liam pulls Zayn’s arms tighter around his waist and lets out a sigh. “Z?”

“Love you too, Liam.” Zayn mumbles, already drifting off to sleep. This is the best sleep he’s going to have for a very long time, and he knows it.

“But one more thing.” Liam turns himself around in Zayn’s arms just for a moment and puts a hand on his face. “Look at me?” Zayn yawns and blinks his eyes open. Liam leans forward and gives him one last kiss. It’s what Zayn needed but didn’t want to ask. Liam knows him so well. “Love you,” Liam whispers against his lips before turning back around in Zayn’s arms. They both fall asleep quickly, the memories from this infinite night playing back in their dreams, their love’s foundation solidifying with each new moment as they start to heal.