Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He knew he should never have allowed him to take the wheel, especially after what happened at the docks a few days ago but oh well, Frank thought - what could possibly go wrong?

Turns out a lot could – and did – take a turn for the worst, much to the nearly 400-year old conquistador-turned-skipper’s horror and dismay…

‘For the love of…’ Frank shouted as La Quila was headed straight for the riverbank, ‘MacGregor, watch out for the-’

BAM!

‘Riverbank’, Frank said as La Quila’s hull scraped alongside the hill of mud and earth before noticing one of the exhaust pipes had been ripped off by the impact and was now lying on the deck.

‘You idiot’, he said as he stormed under the canopy, ‘You can’t even follow the simplest of instructions!’

‘I’ll have you know that I was bought up as a fine gentleman surrounded by rules and expectations!’ MacGregor said.

‘Well’, Frank said, ‘You’re certainly not showing it; you could have had us killed!’

‘Well, everyone except me’ he thought.

‘Look, I’m sorry!’ MacGregor said, ‘Perhaps if a certain someone had taken better care of this run-down piece of sh-’

‘You even took off one of the side exhaust pipes as we were scraping along the bank, you stiff-lipped fop!’ Frank said.

‘You take that back!’ MacGregor said.

‘Not until you apologise!’ Frank said.

‘Would you two please stop arguing?’ Lily said, ‘The sun’s beginning to set anyway, so we might as well call it a night.’

‘I suppose you’re right, Pants’, Frank said before looking at MacGregor again.’

‘This isn’t over yet’, he said before leaving, ‘There will be consequences; just you wait.’

‘Consequences?’ Ha! Well, newsreel, that tiny scratch’, MacGregor said, referring to the severed exhaust pipe, ‘Would have been prevented had you been proactive and bought yourself a new boat!’

‘Hey!’ Frank said, ‘Has it never occurred to you that some of us can’t afford more than we’ve got!?’

‘Suit yourself, commoner!’ MacGregor said, ‘I’m going to bed.’

‘But what about dinner?’ Frank asked.

‘I don’t need it tonight’, MacGregor replied, ‘I’d rather have Proxima eat me for dinner, the way I’m feeling now.’

Chapter Text

BANG! BANG! BANG!

‘What the bloody hell?’ MacGregor groaned from his bed, ‘What’s going on up there?’

‘Noise woke you?’ Lily asked.

‘Yes, unfortunately’, MacGregor replied, ‘I can’t sleep under these conditions!’

‘Me neither’, Lily said.

‘It’s a wonder that Frank seemingly can without going crazy though’, MacGregor said.

‘Speaking of Frank’, Lily said just as another thunderous noise came from upstairs, ‘I didn’t see him at all down here tonight.’

‘Come to think of it, neither have I’, MacGregor said, ‘Perhaps we were both asleep when he came down.’

‘Hmm…maybe’, Lily said, ‘But his door doesn’t seem to have been touched, let alone unlocked, as far as I can tell.’

‘Perhaps you are right, Lily’, MacGregor said, ‘Where could the man possibly be then if he’s not down here?’

As if on cue, there was a pained shout of FUCK!!  coming from on deck followed by a small splash.

‘That must be him upstairs’, MacGregor said as he stood up, ‘I’m going to see what’s going on once and for all.’

‘Damn!’ Frank said, ‘I was sure I’d attached that properly!’

‘There you are, Frank’, MacGregor said upon approaching him, ‘What are you doing up so early, and what was that noise earlier?’

‘Well’, Frank said, ‘I was out here fixing the pipe the you damaged earlier when it fell off into the river.’

‘I see’, MacGregor said, ‘Well then, aren’t you going to go to retrieve it? We could use the headlight at the front of the boat to illuminate the area while you retrieve it.’

‘Absolutely not’, Frank said.

‘What?’ MacGregor said, ‘But-’

‘You’re going to bring it back here for me as punishment for what you did yesterday’, Frank said.

‘Me? Go in there?’ MacGregor said, No thank you; I am not treading foot into that disgusting river!’

‘Let me make this straight’, Frank said as MacGregor flinched, Either you go and get that pipe, or this whole thing is called off, expedition and all!’

‘We can’t give up yet!’ MacGregor said, ‘Countless people will die horrific deaths otherwise, not to mention Lily would never forgive me.’

‘Well then’, Frank said, ‘Perhaps it would be good for you for your sister to constantly remind you of the failed expedition in front of the world; just imagine the headline: “Expedition to Find Mythical Miracle Cure Failed, Little Brother to Blame” – I bet everyone would be really impressed by that.’

‘Hmm…I see what you mean’, MacGregor said reluctantly, ‘Fine, I’ll go and retrieve the stupid pipe and bring it here; I’ll just get undressed first.’

‘Um, Frank’, MacGregor said, ‘A little privacy would be appreciated.’

‘MacGregor, we are in the dark’, Frank said, ‘No-one can see us...’

‘Thank heavens for that’, MacGregor said.

‘Except Proxima’, Frank said, to which MacGregor swallowed nervously, ‘And other, more dangerous and hungry cats.’

‘Thanks for the information’, MacGregor said while proceeding to get into the water.

‘Oh’, Frank said, ‘And did I tell you that the river is swarming with piranha as well?’

‘Once again, thank you’, MacGregor said before inhaling deeply and diving under the surface, ‘If you see ripped clothing and blood rise to the surface, I’ll be in a fish’s gut – or, inside the stomachs of many; I’m sure I tasted delicious.’

‘Ok, I’ll remember to tell Lily that you were served up for the piranhas’ breakfast’, Frank said.

A short while later…

‘Finally!’ MacGregor said while dripping wet and half-caked in mud, ‘I do believe this is for you.’

‘Thank you’, MacGregor’, Frank said upon taking the small length of pipe, ‘Hopefully this has taught you a valuable lesson to treat other peoples’ property with respect.’

‘Yes’, MacGregor said, ‘I do believe it has.’

‘Good’, Frank said, ‘You may go and clean yourself off or whatever you need to do.’

‘Once again, thank you’, MacGregor said as he disappeared behind the canopy.

‘Oh, and Frank?’ he asked.

‘What?’ Frank asked.

It was then MacGregor decided to say what he’d really felt throughout the ordeal.

‘I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but please be a good man and shove that bloody pipe up your-’ MacGregor said before realising what he’d just said, ‘Sorry, that sounded just plain wrong.’

‘Anyway’, Frank said as the sun rose, ‘It’s all fixed now.’

A while later, below deck, Lily had woken up and was about to climb the stairs when she heard what sounded like a conversation – a weird one at that.

‘Just a little more and…’ Frank grunted, ‘There! It’s a perfect fit.’

‘Indeed’, MacGregor said as if he was short of breath, ‘I can’t believe how such a big object could fit into such a small hole so seamlessly.’

‘I know’, Frank said, ‘It may be a tight squeeze, but it was worth it.’

‘Yes, well’, MacGregor said ‘A man must ensure his equipment is always in working order.’

And that it’s in the best condition’, Frank said before Lily appeared from under the canopy.

‘Oh’, Frank and a now fully dried and dressed MacGregor said, ‘Good morning, Lily.’

‘Good morning, you two’, Lily said, ‘I heard you talking up here and decided to come and investigate.’

‘Oh, yes, well’, MacGregor said, ‘That’s because…well…let’s just say we were talking about how the pipe fitted into the hole and…’

Oh?’ Lily asked, ‘Am I interrupting something?’

‘Not like that!’ MacGregor said, ‘It’s the exhaust pipe that was ripped off yesterday during the “mishap”; it’s all fixed now.’

‘Which means we can continue down the river’, Frank said, ‘What were you thinking?’

‘Oh…nothing’, Lily said while looking briefly at the two of them, ‘At least we aren’t stuck here anymore.’

‘Speaking of that’, MacGregor said before leaving, ‘I’ll be at the back of the boat…’

‘But that doesn’t make any-’ Lily said before realising, ‘Ohhh…’

‘What do you mean “ohhh?” Frank asked.

‘I think my brother likes you’, Lily said.

‘Really?’ Frank asked.

‘Yes’, Lily replied.