Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This isn’t the end, but the beginning; or, rather, somewhere in the middle. 

PRESENT

Seokjin takes a sip from his beer, half-listening to Jimin’s rant about his and Namjoon’s cancelled appointment with a wedding florist, half-wishing he were anywhere else but here. Every so often, his eyes shift anxiously to the entrance of the suljib, waiting for the inevitable.

“And I understand that they probably have a lot of clients that they have to schedule, but this is the second time they’ve completely mixed up our appointment with someone else’s! If it wasn’t for the fact that Joonie-hyung’s mom is adamant about having this lady do our floral arrangements, I would have dropped them forever ago.”

“She fell in love with the arrangements at my cousin Jiyeong’s wedding, and ever since then she’s had her heart set on a similar, but better, style for ours,” Namjoon sighs. 

“It’s your wedding, shouldn’t you be allowed to make the decisions?” Seokjin asks, a genuine attempt at staying engaged in the conversation, anything to distract himself from the rolling waves of tension in his body. 

“You would think that,” Jimin laughs, dropping his head into hands, “but she terrifies me. Hyung is her eldest and she keeps joking - in the way that you can tell that she’s not joking - about me ‘stealing her baby’.” He lifts his head with determined eyes, slamming a fist on the mahogany table. “I have to get her those flowers. I have to.”

Namjoon yelps when Taehyung reaches over the table to slap his head. “Hyung! Stand up for your fiancé! Why are you letting your mom walk all over you two?” 

“It’s not that easy! She is paying for most of the wedding. And it’s not like she doesn’t like Jiminie,” the tortured groom explains as he grab's one of Jimin's hands and clasps them together over the table. “She loves you, you know that. She raised us by herself, this is just a lot for her. It’s just- She likes to be … in control, and if we can give her just this one thing, then it will save us a bigger headache down the road.” He lifts their intertwined hands up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to Jimin’s knuckles, “I’m so grateful for your patience, baby?”

A loud guffaw erupts from Hoseok, already a flushed red from his whiskey, “Wow, it sounds like you have a pleasant six months ahead of you.”

There’s laughter, cooing, but Seokjin can’t take his eyes off of the couple’s laced hands, a heavy weight settling in his stomach as they speak.

He takes another - longer - sip.

“Well, if you decide to elope, let me know. I’ll sneak you both down to the courthouse myself,” he offers, his voice sounding faraway to his own ears. 

“Ha, well, as tempting as that sounds,” Jimin smiles tiredly, his fingers spread across his cheeks, “I can’t just run away from my problems.”

“Right.” 

The conversation continues, turning now on how the happy couple have finally settled on designs for their wedding rings, but Seokjin’s focus is waning by the minute. He can’t stop shooting quick glances to the bar’s doors, dreading the arrival of the two people missing from their group. He’s not even doing a halfway-decent job of hiding his distress given that Hoseok has already had to place a hand on his thigh to stop it from shaking, mouthing a ‘you ok?’ with concerned eyes. Seokjin nodded yes, delivering a small, close-lipped smile, and hoped that it was enough to assuage Hoseok.

But the dead knot in Seokjin’s stomach grows tighter, and he can’t help but feel on edge. Restless, he drags his hand through his hair, using his fingers to apply pressure to his scalp, his body unable to stop moving. He’s recently dyed it back to black, an impulse decision prompted by heartbreak, but now he’s thinking he should have cut it as well. Kneading at the ends that reach the bottom of his neck, he realizes it’s getting too long.

He shouldn’t have agreed to come, he should have invented an excuse - work, illness, a date, anything. But he knows it would have looked suspicious - Yoongi never organizes these outings, which must mean he has important news to share and therefore Seokjin, as his oldest friend here, needs to be present. He wonders if Jeongguk knows what this is about, and his thoughts touch briefly on the source of his torment – that the news is about Yoongi and Jeongguk. After all, they’re arriving together, something that hasn’t happened in a while.

Seokjin takes another drink, a few gulps this time. He doesn’t even notice the growing wet drops on his gray slacks. 

“Hyung,” he turns to his right, and sees Hoseok’s drooped stare focused on the beer in his hand, “I think your glass has a leak.”

“Oh.” He lifts the glass above him to get a better look, but the warm and dim lighting of the bar is not entirely helpful to see through the amber of the beer. So he rubs his thumb on the bottom, and sure enough, he feels it before he sees it. A crack in the glass. 

“Yah, Hoseokie”, he laughs, quietly amused, “Inebriated and still observant, that’s impressive.”  

The younger rolls his eyes, “I’m always attentive, exc- excuse you.”

It’s true. Seokjin had almost jokingly called him out when Hoseok - rather forcefully -  maneuvered himself into sitting between Seokjin and Taehyung, as if they hadn’t been broken up for months now. Seokjin had long moved on after all. But then he remembered how perceptive his friend is, how in tune he is with the emotions and actions of others, and deduced that if Hoseok wasn’t trying to create a buffer for Seokjin’s sake, then it must have been for Taehyung’s.

The realization only further exacerbated Seokjin’s unease for the night.

“I’m sure the bartender will give you another one, hyung,” Jimin chirps, pulling Seokjin away from his tangential reflections.

“They better!” Seokjin exclaims in mock offense, settling into character. A menial task sounds good. Anything was an upgrade from sitting, doing his best not to stare at a pair of doors that should not be commanding this much attention from him. He stands, asks his friends if they want anything from the bar, and already feels a little better at doing something besides trying to combat the agitation coursing through his veins.

He taps his fingers on the bar counter as he waits for the bartender to finish tending to other customers. It’s a Tuesday night, which means it’s not terribly busy, but the bartender is pretty and he’s sure that’s enough to attract every single person [sometimes not even single, as he knows through personal experience] in the bar over and ask for a drink.

It’s while he’s waiting, staring absentmindedly at the mirror wall behind the counter, that he sees the door to the bar open, Yoongi and Jeongguk walking in. 

His chest tightens at their arrival. As they take off their winter coats, he admits that they look good. Yoongi in his casual style - black jeans, black long-sleeves, and black bucket hat. Jeongguk, like always, takes his breath away. He’s in a faded red and black flannel with the top unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up to expose his forearms, and his typical black cargo pants and black stomper boots. A black baseball cap over his long black locks topping it all off. It doesn’t escape him that Yoongi and Jeongguk match.

His heart rate picks up when he sees Yoongi’s hand on the small of Jeongguk’s back, gentle and secure. Jeongguk whispers something into Yoongi’s ear as they look for their friends, and Yoongi laughs. It’s nice to see Yoongi laugh. To see him happy.

Once they spot the group, they excitedly walk over to their table in the corner.

Seokjin’s mouth tastes like ash. 

“Good evening, sir, what can I get for you?”

A distraction.

The response is automatic. He turns his head and dramatically holds his hand to his heart, “Oof, sir. Hit me right where it hurts.”

The girl laughs, bright. She’s even prettier up close. Focus here, anything to take your mind off of the clusterfuck that is your life.

“Oh no! I swear I started speaking before I even looked over. Please don’t tell me I just earned the bar a bad review right now!” Funny, too. Seokjin genuinely laughs at the bartender’s mock distress. But even with his attention on their small interaction, he can still hear Jeongguk’s unmistakable laughter cut through the ambient noise of bar chatter and music. He doesn’t have to look to know that Jeongguk’s nose is scrunched up and his smile is dazzling and wide.

He shakes his head.

“No, I’m not in the habit of taking my grievances online,” he responds, concentrating on the bartender and his order. 

The girl breathes a theatrical sigh of relief, “Good to know. But let me make it up to you, what can I do for you oppa?” 

Seokjin’s mouth drops in shock as the girl cheekily laughs. “We don’t even know each other’s names!”

The bartender points to her name-tag, “Hello, I’m Yeji, please take good care of me.” She gives a slight bow before looking expectantly at Seokjin.

“You - Oh, you’re a bold one,” he chuckles. “I’m Seokjin.” 

“Ok, so what can I do for you, Seokjin-oppa?”

He rolls his eyes, and lifts his glass of beer from the bar counter. “I think there’s a crack at the bottom of this glass. I was hoping I could get it replaced.” 

Instantly, Yeji transitions to professionalism, “Oh, I’m so sorry about that! Of course, let me get you another one. What were you drinking?” 

Seokjin gives his order and laughs once more when Yeji does a two-finger send off as she walks away to get him a new glass. But with the entertainment of the bartender gone, he’s forced to be alone with his thoughts and nerves once more. He knows he needs to look back to his table and acknowledge Yoongi and Jeongguk’s arrival before he heads back from the bar, but the swirl of emotions he feels every time he sees the couple [semi-couple? On-a-break-but-not-quite couple?], together or separately, makes him nauseous. The uneasy feeling that had started in his stomach makes its way up to his chest and throat, telling him that he’s already fucked for the night. So, he plasters on his best and friendliest smile and turns around. 

Yoongi catches his gaze first, and his friend gives a small and relaxed nod as a hello when Seokjin half-heartedly waves. Wanting to rip the Band-Aid off at once, Seokjin looks to Yoongi’s side to give Jeongguk a wave as well, but his blood turns cold at the youngest’s expression. There’s a small, almost imperceptible, frown on his small lips, but Seokjin sees it clearly. The younger's doe eyes are narrowed and his strong body is tense, the cheery demeanor that he had walked in with is long gone. A frustrated sigh almost escapes Seokjin - what the fuck could Jeongguk be upset about? What right does he have to glare at Seokjin when Seokjin is the one who feels his heart ripping to shreds with guilt and longing every time they have a group outing?   

“Ok! One brand-new and crack-free glass of hefeweizen for our Seokjin-oppa. Apologies again for the inconvenience.” 

Yeji’s voice startles him out of Jeongguk’s scrutiny, and he turns around to see the young bartender setting his new beer in front of him.

“Thank you so much, Yeji-ssi. Just add it to our table’s tab. Should be under my name, Kim Seokjin.”

Yeji waves him off, “Please, I’m not charging you for this. It’s our fault that we didn’t check before serving you. Now you’ve had to waste precious moments with your friends over there to deal with me.” 

Seokjin balks, “Of course I should pay you! I was mostly done with that glass and you’ve given me a new full one!”

“Nope!” the girl responds, holding up her hand. “If you want to pay me, then please ask your friends to give the bar a good review online, specifically mentioning me. I have tuition and my girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. I can use those reviews to negotiate a raise.” 

“Fine,” Seokjin acquiesces with a pout, “but we’re going to order more than our normal amount. Be prepared to add that you’re a high-seller to your bullet points as well.” 

Yeji victoriously nods and bounces over to her next customer. 

The short walk back to his table is torturously long. Even with Seokjin refusing to look again, he can feel Jeongguk’s eyes boring into him as gets closer.

He settles back into the seat next to Hoseok’s, only to see that Yoongi and Jeongguk have chosen the seats directly across from him. He’s just replaced his glass, but he’s gripping the new one so tightly that he wouldn’t be surprised if this one cracked as well. It hasn’t even been a whole hour since Seokjin arrived and he already feels exhausted, his energy weighing down further with each passing second.  

“Hyung! It’s good to see you,” Yoongi teases, “For a second I thought we had lost you to the bartender.”

“Aish, Yoongi-yah,” Seokjin protests meagerly, looking anywhere but directly in front of him, “She’s a sweet girl. Everybody here better treat her nicely; she’s trying to get a raise.” 

“Isn’t she a little young for you, hyung?” The words are spat out, fast and vicious. Even Jeongguk himself looks shocked by the fact that he said them at all. 

It’s enough to make the ice in Seokjin’s veins thaw and boil, and he moves to make direct eye contact with Jeongguk, challenging him. Better to stare him down than to feel despair at the sight of Jeongguk’s arm over Yoongi’s shoulders.

“Wasn’t even thinking about her in any kind of way, but thank you for that Jeonggukie,” he responds flatly. There’s a flash of guilt and remorse on Jeongguk’s face before it reverts back to a blank slate. But it does the job, and Jeongguk is quickly directing his gaze at the table with dejected eyes.

“I was just teasing,” he murmurs, “sorry.”

“It’s already forgotten,” Seokjin replies, desperate to move on and keep the attention off of him and Jeongguk. If necessary, he and the youngest can figure out whatever that was later, but now is most definitely neither the time nor place for the conversation.

Thankfully, Namjoon intervenes, demanding to know why Yoongi wanted to meet up all of a sudden. 

“Don’t tell us you’re pregnant,” Jimin jokes and Seokjin almost chokes on his beer. Bitter bile builds on his tongue, his skin feels like it's being scrubbed raw. 

“Hilarious,” Yoongi deadpans, “but no. This is actually my news, not Guk’s. He was just the first to know and he wanted to pick me up from the studio to congratulate me,” he says as he turns to look at Jeongguk, soft, matching smiles on their faces. 

Seokjin can picture it now - an excited Jeongguk rocking back and forth on his heels as he waits for Yoongi, the way he must have run up to him when he saw him, Yoongi probably pressing a shy kiss to Jeongguk’s grinning lips. They were trying to work on their relationship after all. Fractures all along Seokjin’s composure.

“Outro Music offered me a contract to be a lead in-house producer last week. I’ve been thinking about it, and while I like the flexibility that comes with freelance work and I’ve been able to do well, I’m going to take it. I signed today.” 

And with that Seokjin promptly sets his distress aside. 

Whooping erupts around the table, Hoseok scrambling over a cheering Seokjin to reach Yoongi. “Oh my god! Congratulations! Min Yoongi, you genius!”

Seokjin makes his way over as well, jumping on top of Hoseok’s back to join in on the growing group hug. “Yoongi-yah! Don’t forget me when you’re famous!” he screams, immensely proud of his best friend of nine years. He feels a hand on his back, a touch he would know anywhere, and peers next to him to see a muted Jeongguk, smiling but hesitant in his touch. Without even thinking twice about it, Seokjin lifts one of his hands and ruffles the soft hair underneath the younger's baseball cap before bringing it down to massage his neck. Innocuous gestures.

“Wait! This deserves a new round! Seokjin-hyung, go see if your new friend will give us a discount on tequila shots for everyone!”

The effect of Taehyung’s words are instant, Jeongguk immediately stiffens under his fingers. 

Seokjin has no choice but to ignore the youngest’s reaction. “Yah! We’re not taking advantage of her,” he scolds, “we’re going to pay and we’re paying full price!” 

“I can order them,” Jeongguk offers hurriedly, but Seokjin shakes his head. 

“No, I’ll do it. As Yoongi’s only hyung here, I should pay for them. Wait here,” he announces to a new round of celebratory cheers. 

He didn’t expect Jeongguk to follow him up to the bar, but he’s not entirely surprised that he does so either. 

“What are you doing?”

“What? You’re not going to carry seven shots back by yourself, let me help you,” Jeongguk defensively grumbles.

It’s a good excuse, even if they both know that it’s a lie. 

Yeji isn’t tending to anyone when they arrive at the bar counter, and Seokjin steels himself for what will, at best, be an agonizingly uncomfortable interaction. 

“Seokjin-oppa!” Seokjin sighs at the way Jeongguk’s jaw swiftly clenches with Yeji’s words. “Making good on your word I see. What can I get for you and your friend here?” 

“Hi Yeji-ssi. We’re celebrating my friend’s - this one’s boyfriend,” he says pointedly, clasping both hands on Jeongguk’s shoulders -

“- he’s not exactly my boyfriend -”

“-recent job news. If you could give me seven shots of your best quality tequila, I’d be most appreciative.” 

“Of course, oppa. Congrats to your boyfriend-not-boyfriend!” Yeji squeals at Jeongguk. And Seokjin can tell that Jeongguk has still not given one single thought on how to explain his situation with Yoongi, because he starts and stops for a few seconds before settling for a stammered ‘It’s complicated. But thank you’. Yet there’s something else in Jeongguk’s face, a hint of the petulance that Seokjin feared on the walk over, that gradually makes itself known.

“Sorry, but … how old are you?” 

Seokjin inwardly groans. It takes everything for him not to slap his hand against Jeongguk’s mouth. 

Yeji, however, appears unbothered. “I’m 20! In my third year of university.”

“Oh … congrats," he says slowly. "Are people your age even allowed to work here?”

“Jeongguk,” he warns tersely.

Yeji shrugs. “Well, they hired me, so. If anything, I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to this establishment,” she smiles. “Let me get you those drinks then. And I’ll be sure to use the tequila we serve to our most distinguished guests.” 

“Fit for royalty?” Seokjin jokes.

“Of course, my liege,” Yeji bows before bouncing away.

Seokjin counts down from three-

two-

one-

“Well, she’s definitely into you,” Jeongguk scowls.

“She isn’t.”

“I just stood here as a witness to you two engaging in that corny joke. If that’s not flirting, then I don’t know what is.”

“Believe it or not, Jeongguk, but some people actually share my humor.”

“You think that because everyone flirts with you, so you just assume that is normal behavior.”

“You say that as if you don’t experience the exact same thing.”

“It’s different hyung. You’ve always looked like you – with that … face and those … shoulders. You wouldn’t notice things like this, you’ve never had to.”

“She’s just doing her job, Guk-ah.”

“Hmm.”

“Seriously, Jeongguk, what the hell?” Seokjin huffs, genuinely annoyed now. “Why would you even care? You haven’t even given me a simple ‘hello, hyung’ or ‘how are you?’ since you arrived. Instead, all I’ve gotten are these passive-aggressive comments about a woman who has done nothing except serve us our drinks and be nice. God forbid someone else outside of our circle makes me laugh! You don’t even like me enough to be behaving like this, and even if you did, it's still rude!”

Jeongguk shrinks back, ducking his face down so that the bill of his baseball cap covers the defeated look on his face, and Seokjin just hates, absolutely hates, how he immediately wants to apologize and kiss his cheek, how worry floods over where valid frustration once bloomed. 

“I’m sorry, hyung.” Almost inaudible, but it’s there. 

“No - it’s not - You don’t have to -” Seokjin takes a deep breath, “let’s just have a good time, ok? This is Yoongi’s night.”

Jeongguk nods, and brings his gaze to Seokjin’s once more. This time, there’s no jealousy, no anger, no hostility. It’s tired, like Seokjin’s. Contemplative. Seokjin allows himself to openly stare back, taking in Jeongguk’s features once more, as if he had never done this before, even though he knows he will be able to perfectly recall every detail of Jeongguk’s face and body for the rest of his life. His unguarded eyes, smooth skin, and delicate lips. The small scar on his cheek. The ear and lip piercings that always leave a cooling, metallic taste in his mouth. Jeongguk’s face is so naturally kind and inviting, but can be intimidating and enthralling when serious. Everything that Jeongguk has to offer, he has seen. 

He wonders what Jeongguk sees when he looks at him.

They don’t speak again until they’re back at the table with their drinks. 

The rest of the night passes in celebration, quieter on Seokjin and Jeongguk’s end, but no one ever notices. Seokjin does his best to engage, of course. He always does. When Namjoon complains about the hours at his lab, Seokjin leans back, pressing his lips together as he nods in active listening, ignoring Jeongguk’s piercing gaze on him. When Jimin suggests potential blind dates for Taehyung and Seokjin offers encouraging words, he ignores Jeongguk's sharp inhale at Taehyung’s joke that no one would ever be as good as Seokjin. When Hoseok, far more settled down, nestles into Seokjin’s side as his two drinks wreak havoc on his sobriety, Seokjin ignores how Jeongguk stiffens every time Hoseok snuggles in deeper. It’s jealousy, yes, but it's born out of his natural competitiveness. Nothing beyond that, he tells himself.

But Jeongguk should rest assured that he isn’t alone in his quiet discomfort.

Out of self-protection, Seokjin looks away every time Yoongi brings Jeongguk closer to his side, every time the reconciling lovers shoot each other soft smiles, every time he hears Yoongi call Jeongguk jagi, an endearment he hasn’t stopped using even throughout their break. Or maybe they’re actually back together now. Seokjin doesn’t ask.

He’s aware that Jeongguk is sneaking glances at him every time Yoongi caresses Jeongguk. That Jeongguk - sweet, caring Jeongguk - is worried, apologetic, perhaps even wanting to give Seokjin a pitying, comforting touch. But what good is wanting to do so when nothing can be done about it? What would all of their friends think if they knew that Seokjin knows Jeongguk’s warmth just as well as Yoongi does; that those same soft lips that Yoongi has kissed have painted love onto Seokjin’s neck; that he has also whispered sweet praises into Jeongguk’s ear as he writhed beneath Jeongguk’s body?

They would hate him, and he would deserve it. There are days when even Seokjin can’t look at himself in the mirror. 

His head pounds with a growing headache.

At one point, embarrassingly needing breathing room from his own friends, he even thinks to head back to the bar and spend the rest of the night laughing at Yeji’s corny jokes. Maybe propose gift ideas for her girlfriend. But he’s disappointed when he looks over and notices that his spritely new friend is no longer tending. His only escape now gone makes him eager to head out. His patience for this front he’s put up all night in front of his friends is spent, he feels increasingly cracked open. So, when Namjoon and Jimin move to leave fifteen minutes later, he walks out with them after waving a quick goodbye to the group and making a stumbling, but genuine, offer to take Yoongi out for a celebratory meal at a later date.

It's not until he's halfway home that he remembers the baseball cap that Jeongguk was wearing is his.   

Emotionally drained, he doesn’t even have the energy to make it into his room when he enters his apartment. He simply grabs a bottle of whiskey and sits on his couch, annoyed at his own anger and disappointment. All of this is his own doing. If he had possessed enough restraint, if he had been just slightly less selfish, he could have avoided this entire mess. He’s angry - mostly at himself, a little at Jeongguk, but basically at everything.

Only a few minutes into his self-loathing, his phone rings. Upon seeing the name, he almost doesn’t answer. 

But. 

Well. 

As Kim Seokjin knows, self-restraint, when it comes to Jeon Jeongguk, is an area where he’s lacking.

“Hello?”

“Hyung,” Jeongguk responds quietly, “are you … are you busy?”

Seokjin looks down at the bottle of whiskey in his hands, at the work clothes that he hadn’t even bothered changing out of. 

“No, why? Aren’t you with Yoongi?”

“I just … you left … but then I noticed - I noticed that she was gone too … are you with her?” the younger asks, voice tight with an edge of sadness. If it wasn’t for the twisted satisfaction that Seokjin feels knowing that he has a hold on Jeongguk too, he would find Jeongguk’s audacity honestly astounding. 

“No, Guk-ah. She’s not here. I did not go home with the 20-year-old bartender who I was not interested in and who was not interested in me. She has a girlfriend, Guk.”

“Oh.” Seokjin can hear the weary relief in the younger’s exhale.

He taps against his bottle, unsure whether to ask what he wants to ask, but he gives in. “Guk-ah, where’s Yoongi?”

“He went back to his place. I told him I felt sleepy so I came back home.” Seokjin’s breath hitches. It’s a little laughable to say that they have rules for this - especially when whatever it was is already over - but not staying with Yoongi on a big night for his career and instead calling one of his best friends is certainly something that would go against them.

“Seokjin-hyung,” Jeongguk’s voice is clear and stable now. “Come over?” 

But Seokjin will always be the first to admit that while he often tries to avoid doing the wrong thing, he very often does the impulsive thing.

The elevator up to Jeongguk’s apartment is shared with a young family, a couple and their small child - a perfect picture of domesticity that sets a deep ache in Seokjin’s heart. It makes the ride up feel stifling, like he’s not meant to admire or want such normalcy, not with his intentions for visiting Jeongguk. 

By the time he knocks on Jeongguk’s door, he’s already so done with this night of admonishing himself, of maintaining careful behavior, that his facade of self-control is gone when Jeongguk opens it. 

Despite Jeongguk’s composed face not betraying anything, he witnesses in real time how his body goes from tense to relieved at the sight of Seokjin.

Seokjin steps in and shuts the door behind him, shedding off his coat to throw on the kitchen island. He leans back on the door with a dark and heavy gaze on Jeongguk’s face. 

“Why am I here, Jeongguk?”

With two steps, the younger wraps himself around Seokjin’s body, hiding his face in Seokjin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry- I know that you’re free to go after whoever you want and that I don’t get an opinion and that I have no right to be jealous, I know-“

No, this won’t do.

Seokjin gives Jeongguk a slight push, not missing the instant panic that shifts onto Jeongguk’s face, before turning them around to press him against the door.

“Hyung.” Jeongguk’s eyes are wide and wet. 

“Guk,” he says, voice rough as he crowds closer, brushing his nose against Jeongguk’s, “Why am I here?” 

Jeongguk noticeably swallows, but he’s able to respond calmly. “You know why.” 

And that’s all Seokjin needs to crash his lips against Jeongguk’s, the younger immediately draping his hands around the elder’s neck. They kiss desperately, devouringly. Seokjin channels all of his frustration into Jeongguk’s mouth, grazing his teeth along his bottom lip, swallowing his moans when Jeongguk opens his mouth for Seokjin’s tongue. Jeongguk in turn pushes his hips against Seokjin’s, chasing friction as he brings the man as close to his body as possible. He begins to unbutton Seokjin’s light blue Oxford shirt, pulling with rough eagerness, sighing as Seokjin’s tongue curls around his.

“Hyung,” he gasps for air, Seokjin sliding his lips down to his neck. The kisses here are light, soft. A lingering, cooling trail of wetness from his earlobe to his collarbone.

“Hyung, please. Please.” He can’t get enough of hearing Jeongguk beg. Not when he’s wanted for Jeongguk’s affection for so long, even if this is the only way he has ever been able to get it. 

He pulls away, tugging at Jeongguk’s shirt to get it off.

“What do you want, baby?”

Once the garment is thrown to the ground, Jeongguk’s fingers immediately fall to Seokjin’s belt, unbuckling it with a practiced ease. The younger even has the nerve to snicker as he presses his palm against Seokjin, eliciting a harsh moan from the elder. 

“Fuck me,” Jeongguk speaks against his neck, a firm kiss planted right underneath his jaw. “Please.”

Any other time, he’d be surprised. Jeongguk is the one who is usually keen to be inside of Seokjin. But the words bring the harsh reality of what they’re doing to the forefront of Seokjin’s conscience.

He shouldn’t.

They shouldn’t.

Not again.

Seokjin drops his forehead to Jeongguk’s bare shoulder, his hands stilling on his hips. “Jeon Jeongguk, you’ll be the death of me. You know we can’t keep doing this. You’re the one who said that you wanted to figure things out with Yoongi. You made your choice.”

A breath. 

“I know." Jeongguk’s voice is quieter when he speaks. "But I just couldn’t stop thinking about you and that - I know it’s fucked up. That I shouldn’t ask this of you. But – we never – we never had a real goodbye. To us. Can we just have one more time? And I’ll never bother you like this again,” The younger wraps his arms around Seokjin’s shoulders, “Can you be mine, just for tonight?” 

That’s the problem, he thinks. He’ll always be Jeongguk’s. 

He presses a soft kiss on the tattoo covering Jeongguk’s right shoulder.

Seokjin shouldn’t be here.

Not hovering over Jeongguk, both of his hands flat beside his head, drinking in the sight of a naked Jeongguk below him. He shouldn’t revel in Jeongguk’s lustful stare as he leans back to sit on his heels, shrugging off his unbuttoned shirt before standing up to take off his pants and underwear. He shouldn’t be spreading Jeongguk’s legs, leaning down to wrap and move his lips around Jeongguk's cock until he completely hardens, locking his eyes on the other's the entire time. He shouldn’t be thrumming with anticipation as he crawls on top of Jeongguk and between his thighs, kissing his way up from his abs to his neck, stopping at his pecs to give one of his nipples a lick and a suck, the way he knows will make Jeongguk shudder. He shouldn’t be grazing his teeth on the younger’s pulse point, feeling his moans vibrating on his lips. He shouldn’t be allowing Jeongguk to dig his fingers into Seokjin’s back [marks are only ever left on Seokjin’s body, there can never be any evidence of them left on Jeongguk], intentionally flexing his back muscles so that Jeongguk can feel them shift under the pads of his fingers. Seokjin shouldn’t be laying his body down on top of his, pressing him deeper into the bed. And he shouldn’t bring his face up to meet Jeongguk’s eyes - Jeongguk’s hooded, vulnerable eyes - losing himself in them. He most certainly should not bring his lips, finally, sweetly, hopelessly, to the younger’s, slotting them together, nor letting Jeongguk suckle on his plump bottom lip while he tangles his fingers in his hair, kissing him like a lover would.

Because they weren’t lovers. They could never call themselves that. It was bad enough that they were here, doing this. Again. To call themselves anything bordering on romantic, anything that could paint this horrible thing that they were doing as something resembling good would only be a mockery of what love is supposed to be. 

Not when Yoongi unconditionally trusts them both.

And yet, as he licks into Jeongguk’s warm mouth, melting into him, he knows, despite telling himself otherwise, that he wouldn’t have changed anything if he could. 

“Hyung,” Jeongguk’s panting breath stirs him out of his thoughts. “Don’t use a condom tonight. I want to feel you.” 

Seokjin’s eyes widen, “Uh-”. He stills. 

His hesitance makes Jeongguk freeze as well.

“You haven’t - I mean do we … have to use them? Is there -”

“I haven’t slept with anyone else, if that’s what you were going to ask. I’m clean. But have you and -” Seokjin stops there, unable to say his name. “If you’ve had sex in the past few days, then we should use them,” he says, the clinical tone making both Jeongguk and him grimace. 

“We haven’t. Done anything, I mean. We're only talking, we’re not even officially back together yet.”

Yet.

This is a mistake, he shouldn’t be here. 

A hand touches his cheek. “Hey. Hey. What’s wrong?” Jeongguk asks, concern laced in his tone. 

“Everything about this, Guk-ah,” he responds with a dry laugh.

“Hyung, if you … if you don’t want this, we can stop.”

That’s the thing. Jeongguk always gives him a way out. Seokjin never takes it. The temptation of Jeongguk in his arms always proves too great. 

He presses his forehead to Jeongguk’s. “This is the last time. After tonight, we’re only friends. This never happens again.”

Jeongguk nods.

“I mean it, Guk.”

The kiss Jeongguk places on his lips is gentle, lingering. He can taste the remnants of tequila and grapefruit flavored soju on Jeongguk’s tongue, and he hopes to god that Jeongguk made this decision sober. But he knows Jeongguk chose this sincerely when the younger brushes his thumbs across Seokjin’s cheekbones, eyes wide and genuine. “I’ll be better. I promise. We just need closure, right? So that we can move on.”

Seokjin doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to move on. This whole affair will leave lasting scars on him, some wounds will always remain red and glaring.  

He returns Jeongguk’s kiss with more force, pouring all of his want and heart into it, pushing his head deep into the pillow. If he can’t have him ever again, then he at least wants Jeongguk’s body to forever hold the memory of Seokjin’s touch, the warmth of his skin against his, how they were able to meld perfectly together. For his body to never forget the way Seokjin touched love - love - all over Jeongguk. Jeongguk will probably actively try to forget whatever feelings he developed for him, but maybe his body will remember something.

He reaches one hand down to wrap around Jeongguk’s length, thumbing his slit at the top. He uses the precum to create a smooth glide, pumping his fist up and down slowly, Jeongguk breathing harshly beneath him. 

“Are you sure about no condoms?”

“Yes,” Jeongguk groans. “I want to feel all of you.” 

Seokjin sucks in a deep breath, “Ok.”

The bottle of lube they’ve been using is almost empty, but it’ll be enough for tonight. When Seokjin settles himself back in between Jeongguk’s legs, towering over the younger, he almost wishes he could take a picture of Jeongguk like this. Body glistening with the sheen of sweat, his muscles tense with anticipation, his wavy hair damp, his face - 

His face.

There’s a look on Jeongguk’s face. He’s seen it a couple of times before. It’s intense, but vulnerable. Seokjin tells himself that he’s interpreting the wrong meaning from his features, that he’s reading what he wants to. He almost wants Jeongguk to look away, because he doesn’t like hoping for feelings that come with that stare, the warmth, the adoration, the love. But at the same time, he wants his eyes on him, pitifully willing to take whatever Jeongguk can give. He can’t say any of this to Jeongguk, he can’t ask what his look means, Jeongguk might not even realize that he’s doing it. If anything, Jeongguk will simply apologize, upset at having hurt Seokjin but not for not loving him. And Seokjin can’t blame him. He knew what he was signing up for.

So instead of telling him to look away, to look anywhere but at Seokjin, he sinks a lubed-up finger inside of Jeongguk, breathing in relief when Jeongguk shuts his eyes in a moan. 

Enjoy this, he tells himself, this is the last time. Make it good for the both of you.

He massages Jeongguk’s walls slowly, his fingers knowing exactly what to do. Eventually, Jeongguk begs for more and Seokjin adds another, scissoring them inside of the man underneath him, opening him up for Seokjin. Once he starts using three fingers, he finally begins to brush against Jeongguk’s prostate, a spot that he was deliberately avoiding specifically to annoy Jeongguk. When Jeongguk clenches his jaw and stifles his moan to avoid giving Seokjin the satisfaction of knowing how well he can play him, Seokjin only quirks his eyebrow and presses on it harder.

Sex is sometimes like this for them. A push and pull, teasing each other throughout. A competition. Might not be entirely healthy for the current moment, but it’s them.

Eventually, it all becomes too much - Jeongguk needing something more, something deeper; Seokjin’s cock feeling neglected and untouched.

“Hyung,” Jeongguk gasps as Seokjin pumps his fingers in and out, “fuck me. Please, god, fuck me.” Before Seokjin can even reach for the lube, Jeongguk is grabbing it himself, spilling it onto his hand and sitting up to grab Seokjin’s cock. Seokjin hisses upon contact, finally feeling some relief as Jeongguk coats his length with the last bit of lube they have left. 

They kiss, Seokjin grabbing himself at the base as he gently lays Jeongguk back down before guiding himself to his entrance. He teases again, just so he can hear another frustrated yell, before he begins to push in. 

He goes slow.

Not for taunting, nor because it’s his usual preference. But knowing that this is the last time, he wants to feel everything, the way Jeongguk probably does as well. The drag of his cock inside of Jeongguk’s warm walls, the lack of barrier between them, is almost overwhelming for the both of them. 

He pushes Jeongguk’s legs to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as his hands dig deep into the meat of Jeongguk’s thighs. 

“Hyung, so - so good, feels so - fuck - good,” Jeongguk pants as Seokjin buries himself inside, keeping his doe eyes on his face. 

“Yeah, baby? You feel so good for me too, Guk. So warm- and – god – so tight. Always take me so well.” 

Jeongguk places his hands on Seokjin’s shoulders, tapping against them before sighing, “Move hyung, please.” 

It might be the unrequited love talking, but fucking Jeongguk always feels like heaven. Seokjin’s pace is fierce but with precision, angling his hips just right to get the gasps and whines he wants out of Jeongguk. Yet, he doesn’t think it compares to the way Jeongguk arches his back to bring Seokjin in deeper, how he meets Seokjin’s thrusts with his rolling hips, the way his walls massage Seokjin as he moves inside of him. Jeongguk has always excelled at everything and that included both fucking and being fucked by Seokjin.

But sex was never just sex with Jeongguk. In the middle of it all there was always Seokjin’s heart. Things have gone too far, have gotten too messy because as much as he wants to tell himself that he’s being silly, he can’t help but feel that some of his affection is returned at depths Jeongguk had never planned for. He feels it in the way Jeongguk’s hold on him is firm, but delicate, in the way he keeps trying to hold his eyes open and on Seokjin, in the way he holds Seokjin’s face close to his, not always kissing, but always there. It’s too much.

So, he moves his face to Jeongguk’s neck, grunting pleasure into it as he inhales the scent of him. He lets go of his legs to bring his arms to Jeongguk’s waist. The thrusts now are shallower, but Jeongguk’s cock is caught between them, making the younger moan into Seokjin’s ear. 

Jeongguk uses the grip in his sweat-drenched hair to brings his face up and kiss him deeply, Seokjin now moving his hips to a more languid pace but reaching deep inside of Jeongguk every time his hips meet the younger’s ass. 

“Hyung, that feels good. Don’t stop, please don’t stop.” 

“I won’t,” he promises, “I got you.”

“You’re - you’re mine?”

“I’m yours.”

Jeongguk’s moans reach a crescendo until they break on a soundless gasp, his back arching as he hooks his legs around Seokjin’s hips, bringing his body as close to his as possible as he comes untouched on their stomachs. 

“Seokjin, let me feel you. Please. Fill me, make me feel yours,” he pants into his ears, still holding on tightly to Seokjin. His hole hasn’t stopped spasming around Seokjin’s cock, sucking him in, and with Jeongguk’s hot breath begging him to finish inside of him, the tension in Seokjin’s body releases, his orgasm shuddering throughout his body. Stars erupt behind his eyes, white heat flooding his entire body. His hips stutter, and he lets Jeongguk milk him dry as the younger presses kisses all over his face. 

“Seokjin-hyung, mine. Mine," Jeongguk mumbles under his breath.  

His body collapses on Jeongguk’s. The younger doesn’t seem to mind the dead weight given that he keeps his arms secure around Seokjin’s neck, refusing to let go. Seokjin feels physically satiated, but the exhaustion of the night only sinks deeper into the marrow of his bones. Jeongguk keeps planting small kisses on the side of his head, his legs still tight around Seokjin’s hips. It feels intimate, but it’s not meant to last. The sweat and cum on their bodies is already starting to cool, the moment close to over. 

“Let me clean us up, hm?”

Jeongguk constricts his hold. “Hyung,” he groans softly.

Seokjin gives his forehead a tender kiss. “I’ll be back, Guk. But I just need to get a towel, ok?”

Running a washcloth under hot water, he grows concerned. Jeongguk is almost never like this. He doesn’t get clingy in bed, doesn’t get quiet and soft. Usually, there’s light-hearted teasing or casual cuddling, but the undercurrent of sadness and vulnerability present in Jeongguk now is new. 

When he comes back to Jeongguk’s room, he approaches him wordlessly, carefully cleaning him of the cum on and inside of his body, waiting for Jeongguk to speak first. But the younger says nothing, refusing to look at him as Seokjin takes care of him.

It isn’t until he’s placed the used towel in the hamper and reaching for his pants that Jeongguk speaks.

“What are you doing?” Jeongguk’s face is half-hidden into a pillow, but Seokjin can still see the frown on his lips. 

“Grabbing my phone to check the time?” It’s a lie, they both know that. Seokjin was dressing to leave. To run, like a coward. 

“Don’t go,” Jeongguk says, voice hoarse [from sex? from panic?], “I know tomorrow is a workday, but do you think you can stay a little while longer?” 

Confused, Seokjin nods and lets go of his pants, walking back to Jeongguk. He lies down facing him, grabbing the hand that lies between them. Jeongguk uses it to pull Seokjin closer, until the elder’s head is under his chin. 

"I've been meaning to tell you," he murmurs as he strokes his hair, "I like the black. Like that you've still kept it long too."

Seokjin nuzzles into Jeongguk's neck. "Thanks. I did it myself. Just needed a change, I guess."

They stay like that for a moment. Quiet, save their soft breathing and beating hearts. Warm bare skin embracing each other. 

“I don’t want you to think that you don’t mean anything to me, hyung,” Jeongguk whispers, each word a dagger in the silence.

“Jeongguk, you don’t have to-”

“I do have to. Because you have to know, hyung. This is all my fault; I’ve been so fucking selfish. I just can’t - I can’t hurt him any more than I already have.” 

Seokjin’s eyes sting with tears, but he won’t cry. Not now. Maybe later, when he’s alone, when he doesn’t have to hold himself back for the sake of someone else, but not now.

“I’ve been selfish too, Guk.” 

“But not in the way that I’ve been,” Jeongguk takes a deep breath, “I do like you. Please know that. Please know that I like you too.” 

And Seokjin’s heart stops, the words he had wanted to hear for so long now unleashing hurt instead of the comfort he thought it would bring. He tries to push back the memory of him confessing to Jeongguk when his feelings became too much to deny, still early on in their affair. And then the memory of Jeongguk rejecting him only a few days ago. When he doesn’t say anything, Jeongguk continues, voice low. “What you said at the bar, me not liking you, that’s not true. I know I shouldn’t have behaved that way; it was so fucking childish. But, god, I can’t even put into words how much I like you.” 

But not enough, a is what a pettier Seokjin would respond with. 

“Thank you,” he whispers back instead, “I know this isn't easy for you, Guk. I know you love him. I don’t blame you for wanting to make it work with him. That was always the agreement anyways.” He takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of them present on Jeongguk’s chest, “I knew what I was getting myself into. I don’t want to hurt him either.”

All of this will remain a secret. No one will ever know. Jeongguk and Seokjin will move on with their lives until this night, and all of their previous nights, becomes a faded memory. It will be as if nothing ever happened. 

“The next person that you love,” Jeongguk says wetly, “they’re going to be so fucking lucky, hyung.” 

And god bless Seokjin’s sense of humor for never missing a single opportunity, “I mean, yeah? Obviously.”

It gets the intended reaction. Jeongguk releases an unattractive snort into his hair but the sound quickly turns into a choked sob. “Please don’t choose someone with more muscles than me, it’ll be really bad for my ego,” he teases through tears. 

Seokjin pulls his head away from Jeongguk’s chest, and moves to cup Jeongguk’s face between his hands. His heart breaks upon seeing Jeongguk’s red-rimmed eyes, the tears staining his cheeks. And well, honestly? He’s more than a little surprised. He’s never thought lowly of Jeongguk, and he never once believed that Jeongguk would be able to walk away from this with no attachment, but he’s realizing now that he had underestimated Jeongguk’s feelings for him. 

“Hey,” he whispers, nudging his nose with his own, “It’ll be really hard to find someone with better thighs than you.” Jeongguk smiles, small and sad, but it’s there. 

“Jeongguk-ah, I love you. So much,” he says with a shaky voice, “and it’s normal right? For it to hurt a little. But your reasons -”

He takes another breath.

“- for choosing Yoongi aren’t wrong. You two have so much history, yeah? You loved him before you ever felt anything for me. I get it. Ok?”

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

He knows. “I know.” 

“I'll understand if you don’t - if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, but I don't want to lose you.”

“Look, it’ll probably be a while before we can hang out just the two of us. I’m going to need time, Guk. But we’ll still be friends. I promise.” 

Jeongguk nods. “Why are you comforting me? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? You should be mad at me. Yell at me. Complain to others about what an asshole I am.” 

Seokjin is mad. He doesn’t think he would be human if he wasn’t. He’s mad at Jeongguk for not choosing him, for asking him for one more night knowing the damage it will cause afterwards. He’s mad at himself for wanting Jeongguk to choose him, knowing how that could only come with hurting Yoongi. And for always running to Jeongguk as soon as he asked. But more than anything he’s just mad at their entire situation. At meeting the right person at the wrong time. But telling Jeongguk any of that wouldn’t do any good. Not when he can see the guilt that Jeongguk is already imposing on himself. 

“There’s no point in making any of this worse,” he reasons instead.

Jeongguk nibbles on his bottom lip, still cleaning his face from his tears. “Hyung, let me do one thing for you. Please? Whatever you want. I don’t - I don’t want to end this with me just having taken and taken without giving you anything in return.” 

The request is an attempt at a peace offering, but it tastes acrid in Seokjin’s mouth. What could he possibly ask for that could even compare to what he wants the most? He’s already accepted that he can’t have Jeongguk, that he’ll have to move on. There’s nothing that Jeongguk can give him that will save him from that process. But Jeongguk’s eyes are so genuine, so longing, that he knows coming up with something will help the both of them. All he can think of is extending this night, this bubble, for as long as possible. 

“Then can I stay?” Seokjin asks hesitantly, “I’ll leave early in the morning to shower back to my place before work. But can I stay tonight?”

Jeongguk noticeably relaxes in his arms. “Yes, of course. I want you here.” 

It’s a restless night.

Seokjin awakens to the sight of the hazy blue light of dawn infiltrating Jeongguk’s room. It’s early - much too early for Seokjin’s preferences, and probably earlier than what he had set his alarm for. He can feel Jeongguk’s arm around his waist, his chest upon his back, steadily breathing in and out. He takes some selfish seconds for himself, grazing the veins and tattoos of the arm draped around him with his fingertips, indulging in the feel of the warm, solid chest behind him.

Eventually, he has no choice but to get up. Time was never on their side. He unwraps Jeongguk's arm from his waist carefully and untangles his legs. He makes no noise as he sits on the end of the bed and redresses, his eyes on Jeongguk sleeping peacefully the entire time. Jeongguk like this almost looks childlike - his cheeks puffy with sleep mask his defined jaw, his usually calm and collected face drawn into a pout, lips slightly parted. He almost leans in to give Jeongguk one final kiss - on the lips, on the cheek, anywhere. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to risk waking him, it’s no longer their night and the light of day is making this entire situation seem a little less tragic and a little bit more pathetic.

He’ll move on. He has to. People heal from heartbreak all the time.

Jeongguk will eventually forget whatever feelings he has for him.

He and Yoongi will be happy. In love.

So he doesn’t kiss him. He stands up and leaves, gently closing the bedroom door behind him. Jeongguk’s apartment is small, a one-bedroom with a kitchen, something that's supposed to pass for a living room and not much else, but it’s one of Seokjin’s favorite places. Every inch of the space screams Jeongguk, from the collectible figurines neatly organized in his bedroom to the work station that takes up an entire wall in the living room just through speakers and monitors alone. He commits it all to memory - it will probably be a while before he feels ready to come back here again. 

He checks his phone for the time, thumbing through the notifications on his screen. There’s a message from Hoseok, bemoaning his drunken state, swearing to never drink again, and committing Seokjin (without even asking) to drinks again on Thursday. He laughs, a small reprieve from his melancholy, replying ‘sure, fine, whatever’.

But he freezes when he sees a message from Yoongi – a thank you for coming out, that he knows he and Seokjin have both been busy lately, and that he’s grateful that Seokjin proposed a meal. That he hopes they can schedule it soon.

He doesn’t answer right away. He can’t. Not while he’s still in Jeongguk’s apartment, the smell of their bodies still clinging to him. But the message serves as a reminder that no matter how much he may love Jeongguk, it was never meant to last. He wants to groan. To scream. His heart aches at the thought of Yoongi ever knowing, of causing pain to his own friend. He doesn't know yet if Jeongguk will tell him, but if he does then he knows he'll deserve whatever consequences come his way. 

It was wrong when they did this the first time. When it was Jeongguk thrusting inside of him, moving their bodies up and down on Seokjin’s couch, Seokjin moaning beneath him as Jeongguk grunted in his ear. Yoongi and Jeongguk had decided to go on a break only three days earlier, and Seokjin is more than certain that despite their agreement allowing them to see other people, Yoongi never imagined - nor would he have been okay with - Jeongguk fucking one of his best friends.

They didn’t speak to each other for days afterwards, the guilt of what they had done very nearly incinerated their friendship, flames of shame swallowing them whole.

Their friends had noticed something was wrong. So had Yoongi. The eldest and the youngest of the group had always had the easiest banter between them, always orbiting around each other, amusing the others with their natural shared playfulness. The sudden icing over of their friendship - the way they refused to look or speak at each other when they were all hanging out, no longer mentioning the other in conversations, no reactions to messages sent in their group chat - was hard to miss. Yoongi, who still loved Jeongguk despite their complicated status, and who always looked out for Seokjin, tried to encourage them to talk it out, never even tried to pry for information. [Jeongguk told him that he cried himself to sleep the night Yoongi gave him a pep talk to reach out to Seokjin, that he was sure they could work through whatever the issue was. They didn’t deserve Yoongi’s kindness.] Everyone else chalked it up to a slight tiff that must have occurred, but that it was probably something that Seokjin and Jeongguk could very likely resolve on their own. Surely, this was something that they could get over in a couple of days. After all, the two fought every now and then, as friends sometimes do. So no one pushed. Jeongguk and Seokjin would work it out.

And they did. They tried. As terrible as Seokjin felt about what he had done, he missed Jeongguk, his friendship, his smile. Whatever attraction he felt towards the younger would simply have to be let go of, he couldn’t live without Jeongguk. And Jeongguk felt the same.

They met at a coffee shop. It had to be somewhere public, somewhere where they wouldn’t let themselves get emotional. Somewhere they couldn’t make another mistake. The conversation was horribly awkward and stilted, both of them agreeing that they felt sick about what they had done. So, they agreed to forget about it. To never, ever, mention it, to move on.

And it had worked. For a while.

Until it happened again. 

Once is a mistake, twice is a choice. Three, four, eventually they stopped counting. They knew that what they were doing wouldn’t end well for anyone. They ended it, tried to end it, multiple times. But for some reason, for however all-consuming the guilt was, for however it nearly destroyed their friendship the first time it happened, how it could damage their entire group, how it could damage Yoongi, it never proved enough to hold them back from doing it again.

They’ve talked about it, of course. How Seokjin felt that he was supposed to be the responsible one, given his age relative to Jeongguk’s, that he had known Yoongi for longer, that he was the best friend. Jeongguk would then try to take the blame himself - he was the newcomer, the boyfriend, that at least Seokjin possessed enough self-awareness to break up with Taehyung as soon as he realized he was developing feelings for Jeongguk, weeks before they had even started. That because Yoongi and Jeongguk were still together at the time, Seokjin had at least tried to put some distance between him and the couple, wanting, needing, room to get over his feelings. 

But how could Jeongguk have known what Seokjin was doing and why he was doing it? All he knew was that Seokjin was closing off, and while Jeongguk knew that Seokjin could be that way with other people, it devastated him to be on the receiving end of it. So, he chased after Seokjin, stuck to his side like glue, never analyzing why it was that he couldn’t bear any growing distance between them.

And Seokjin let him close the gap. Seokjin let his own feelings grow deeper roots into his heart, despite it being something that could not be returned.

He promised Jeongguk a friendship, but, if he's honest, he's worried if that's ruined now as well. 

He wonders about the day when it won’t hurt to think of Jeongguk, when he'll be able to look back at this moment and scoff at himself for being an idiot. He hopes that Yoongi never finds out, will never hate him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to stop loving Jeongguk, but he hopes that one day it will be a different type of love – one without longing, one where he’s not holding on to these stolen moments that never should have been theirs in the first place and made him a person he never wanted to be. At the very least, the end of this is welcomed by his sanity, even if it’s rejected by his heart.

Because the truth of the matter is that you can’t fall in love with the love of your best friend’s life and expect a happy ending. Someone will inevitably get hurt, and honestly, you’d be an asshole to hope that it’s anyone other than you, the person who developed the inconvenient feelings. Even if Jeongguk and Yoongi had broken up completely, it would have been an impossibility with Yoongi’s feelings for Jeongguk. From the beginning, from the very second Seokjin realized that he what he felt for Jeongguk went beyond friendly fondness, this would have been the extent of what he could have received. A relationship rooted in sheets and secrecy, the promise of an occasional warm body but never a complete heart. Seokjin would have been a fool to think otherwise.

There wouldn’t be a romantic blooming love between Jeongguk and Seokjin. No bashful first kisses nor nerve-wracking first dates. That was Jeongguk and Yoongi’s story, not theirs. Their moment ended hours ago.

He looks around one last time. This is it. The end. A painful contraction of his heart, a lump in his throat. There’s no avoiding the pain of loss, but there’s no avoiding this outcome either.  

Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a notebook and pen on Jeongguk’s work desk and he realizes he should at least leave a goodbye note. But upon uncapping the pen and tearing out a sheet of paper, his hand freezes. It’s not like he can write ‘Thanks for last night, had a good time’ or ‘Take care, see you soon’, as if it had been a casual hookup. Not when there’s so much to say.

He anxiously taps the tip of the pen on the notebook, all of the things he wants Jeongguk to know threatening to spill out. How he’ll always have his heart, how he hopes – genuinely hopes – that he and Yoongi will be happy. To not feel too bad, Seokjin’s a big boy, he’ll move on. He wants to remind him of all the things that he needs to do to take care of himself now that Seokjin will be keeping his distance for a while. That he loves him. Loves, loves him.

With a stroke he begins, putting to paper the last intimacy that he will share with Jeongguk.

Chapter Text

ONE YEAR AND TEN MONTHS AGO

(An evening in late February)

A hand landed on Jeongguk’s jumping knee, pulling his gaze away from the car window and towards his boyfriend.

“Don’t be nervous. It’s just a dinner,” Yoongi patiently repeated. “They already love you and they haven’t even met you yet. You’ll be fine.”

Jeongguk managed to still himself. “I know, hyung. But this is like, real, you know? It’s like meeting your parents.”

“They’re friends, Guk,” Yoongi said, laughing. “Do you think I was stressed out when I met Yugyeom and Mingyu?”

The younger frowned. “That’s different. You met them right when we started dating, there was nothing to live up to. We’ve been together for three months – I don’t know what kind of image your friends might have built up about me.”

“Trust me, they’ve only heard good things.”

Jeongguk sighed heavily. “This is why you should have let me meet them earlier,” he dramatically lamented, shaking his head.

“Maybe I liked having you all to myself for a little bit,” the elder countered, feigning aloofness by not even looking at Jeongguk as he spoke. “Didn’t want to share you just yet.”

Jeongguk kept his gaze on Yoongi for a few seconds before turning to look out the window again, a blushing smile claiming his face.

At Yoongi’s insistence, they had agreed to take their relationship slow until Jeongguk had graduated from university, the elder reasoning that there was no need to overwhelm Jeongguk in his final three months of school.

At first, the idea had tremendously annoyed Jeongguk – he had fallen hard and fast for the producer and he knew, even if Yoongi was initially more restrained in his affections, that Yoongi felt the same way. He had dated around in university, had even had a few short-lived relationships, but never had anyone ever asked to take things slow for the sake of school.

So, he couldn’t see why Yoongi was so adamant about only seeing each other once a week, even putting limits on how often they would talk on the phone as if he were a high school student seeking permission to date. But Jeongguk did it, and without too much complaint, because he liked Yoongi, and was eager to prove that he was serious about him.

[And secretly, perhaps, there was a small part of Jeongguk that feared that Yoongi wanted to go slow because he still felt wary about dating a university student. So, he constantly tried to demonstrate to Yoongi that he was more than ready to have a Serious and Mature relationship.

He set up dates far from campus and the studio where he interned so that Yoongi wouldn’t associate him so much with his student persona.

He introduced Yoongi to Yugyeom and Mingyu, his closest and most well-behaved friends, to show Yoongi that he wanted to make a place for him in his life.

He even took Yoongi apartment hunting with him so that the elder could see how Jeongguk was responsibly preparing for a post-university world.

His boyfriend, however, never budged on his rules.]

Eventually, Jeongguk came to appreciate the benefits of Yoongi’s decision. The slow and steady pace of their relationship became a source of comfort for him and, because of its unhurried nature, a new area in his life where it was pretty easy to excel. There was never any pressure from Yoongi. They simply just were.

Loving Yoongi was easy. Easier than anything he had ever experienced before. Perhaps three months in was too soon to classify it under Real Love, but Jeongguk always fell head-first when something grabbed his attention for longer than two seconds.

The two were much alike – they shared a love for music over all else, often losing themselves in conversations for hours on end about their favorite songs or about compositions that they were struggling with. To the great amusement of Jeongguk’s friends, they shared an equal love for the color black [perhaps it was not entirely equal, as Jeongguk definitely became more obsessed with the color after meeting Yoongi]. They were both naturally shy, which made even getting to the point of an actual relationship a miracle in and of itself - Jeongguk prided himself at having been the one to take the initiative in that aspect. They were not the greatest at discussing their feelings, but Jeongguk never tried to hide his emotions and Yoongi was incredibly perceptive, so it still worked out.

So, at the end of February, once Jeongguk had his diploma in hand, a job that he would start in the following days, and a small and humble apartment that he had been able to pay for by himself, Yoongi finally set up a date for him to meet his friends.

Jeongguk was determined to push past whatever timidity and reservedness he would usually experience when meeting new people and make a genuine effort in bonding with Yoongi’s friends. He needed the evening to go well so that Yoongi could see that they were at the stage where they could start combining their worlds and move past the cautious phase of their relationship. He was nervous, yes, but he knew how to hide the buzzing energy in his body behind a performance of unshakeable confidence.

Besides, the way that Yoongi spoke about his friends – always full of amusement and love and fond exasperation – made Jeongguk sincerely enthusiastic to meet them. He was terrified as fuck, but enthusiastically so.

He had already memorized certain things.

There were Hoseok, Namjoon, and Seokjin – Yoongi’s friends from university. Seokjin and Yoongi had been roommates since their first year, and they had met Namjoon and Hoseok, both a year younger, in a shared psychology course. They strengthened their friendship through library study groups and late-night ramen binging, the four inseparable since then.

Then there was Jimin, also from Busan and whom Namjoon had started dating one year ago, and who very quickly became friends with the rest of them. Knowing that a boyfriend had so easily integrated himself into this original group of four made Jeongguk feel optimistic about his own situation.

And Taehyung, a childhood friend of Yoongi’s from Daegu who had moved to Seoul a few months ago. He'd also been immediately adopted by the group, specifically creating a close friendship with Jimin.

He wasn’t intimidated by the fact that they were all older than him, but god, he hoped that they wouldn’t default into treating him like a child.

He was 21 after all. Grown.

“Ready?” Yoongi asked as they exited their taxi, the February winter air messily whipping his black hair and bringing forth an endearing rosy hue to his cheeks. Maybe it was the rose-tinted glasses of their honeymoon phase, but Jeongguk didn't think he would ever find anyone more perfect than Yoongi. 

Jeongguk couldn't help but give him a quick peck. “Ready.”

They entered the apartment themselves, Yoongi explaining that they all had each other’s keycodes – a testament to how closely they all trusted one another.

As soon as they walked in, he saw a short, brown-haired man with choppy bangs barrel towards him.

“Oh my god, Yoongi-hyung! Is this him?!” This incredibly affectionate stranger screamed as he wrapped his arms around the two arriving guests.

“Ah, Jimin-ah! Let us actually get through the door first!” Yoongi complained, fondness palpable in his voice.

Jimin slowly let them go with a pout, before turning to Jeongguk and grabbing his hands.

“So, you’re Jeongguk-ssi? The reason why Yoongi-hyung is all smiles and heart-eyes all the time?” Jimin teased.

“Yah, Jimin-ah!”

Jeongguk flashed Yoongi with an ‘oh, really?’ smirk before directing his attention back to Jimin. “I guess I am,” he replied with an amused laugh. “And you’re Jimin-ssi?”

“Jimin-hyung,” Jimin exaggeratedly corrected. Jeongguk could feel his nervousness rapidly melting away. “Quick, quick! Take off your shoes so I can introduce you to everyone. Most of us are in the living room,” he directed as Yoongi grumbled that it should be him introducing his boyfriend to his friends.

Not a second later, Jimin dragged them both down the hallway until they came into a large open living room.

“Hyung! Tae! It’s Jeongguk-ssi, Yoongi’s boyfriend!” Jimin exclaimed, announcing his arrival as if he were an honored guest at an aristocratic party.

“Jimin, let’s slow down before we overwhelm –“

“Nonsense, hyung, we’ve waited long enough,” a tall man with a boxy grin said as he approached Jeongguk. “I’m Taehyung! We’re so glad to finally meet you,” he said as he hugged Jeongguk [and wow, was Jeongguk surprised at how physically affectionate Yoongi’s friends were].

“Nice to meet you, Taehyung-ssi.”

“Hyung,” Jimin chirped.

Jeongguk waited until Taehyung nodded his agreement. “Taehyung… hyung.”  

And before Taehyung could even step away, the other man in the living room jumped into their embrace, flashing a heart-shaped smile at Jeongguk. “I’m your Hoseok-hyung, or Hobi-hyung if you want.”

“Nice to meet you too, Hoseok-hyung. Happy belated birthday,” Jeongguk said, quietly proud at having remembered the detail upon hearing the name.

Hoseok gasped. “Oh, that’s so sweet of you. Thank you! Congrats on your graduation, by the way. If you ever want embarrassing stories about Yoongi from uni, please ask me. I have hundreds of incriminating pictures and videos.”

“Yah, Hoba!”

“Wait, Yoongi-hyung, I want to hear more about this,” he laughed, allowing himself to slightly lean into Hoseok’s side. A tactile and affectionate person despite his shyness, he was secretly relieved to see that Yoongi’s friends were the same way.

“See, Yoongi-hyung! Shush! Let us bond with our new best friend here. The one you’ve hidden from us for months- ”

“I already explained-” Yoongi began to protest. “Whatever. Do what you want,” he sighed with a warm smile. “Where’s Namjoon and Seokjin-hyung?”  

“Ah, Joonie-hyung was really stubborn about trying to make fried chicken, but it’s been like a total disaster,” Taehyung explained, “Seokjin-hyung is in the kitchen trying to save it and Namjoon is with him, just … mourning his attempts, I guess.”

“Who even let him try to make fried chicken, anyways? We’re lucky he didn’t burn himself.”

“Hey!” Jimin defended, his finger in Yoongi’s face, “He was really excited about this and I was not going to be the person to take this away from him. If he wanted to try, I had no reason to stop him. Besides, worst comes to worst, we can just order something.”

“Love made you weak, Jimin-ah.”

“Hyung, give it a few months and you’ll be even worse,” Hoseok interjected as he hung off of Taehyung’s shoulders, the words drawing a blush from both Jeongguk and Yoongi.   

The barrage of teasing and cooing directed at Yoongi absolutely fascinated Jeongguk. Suddenly, the cool and collected image that he had attached to his boyfriend no longer appeared to fully fit the Yoongi in front of him. Jeongguk was aware that he sometimes idolized the elder, but the fact that he could be so easily flustered made him seem less like someone to worship and someone a lot more human.

 Yoongi ignored Hoseok’s words and yanked Jeongguk away from the bubbly trio. “Guk, let’s, um, go to the kitchen. So that you can meet hyung and Joon.”

“Don’t worry, these guys are much more chill,” Yoongi whispered as he opened the sliding doors to the kitchen.

“Aw, but that was fun. Your friends are really funny,” Jeongguk giggled, his worries long forgotten.

There was clattering and hushed bickering in the kitchen when they entered, with two men huddled over a skillet that must be the source of the horrible combined smell of burnt breading and delicious chicken in the enclosed space.  

“No, Joon-ah, it’s obviously not ready. If I take it out now, we’re all going to get salmonella.”

“Hyung, the recipe said to fry for only 14 minutes! It’s turning black!”

“I’m telling you it’s not cooked!”

Jeongguk didn’t realize it at the time, but he would commit every detail of this moment to his memory.

The little sigh Yoongi gave before he cleared his throat. The whirring of the vent fan over the stove. The speed at which the two men turned their heads over their shoulders. The way that one of them raised his dark and perfectly shaped eyebrows and opened his full lips into a small o. He was wearing a blue sweater that day with light denim jeans, a simple enough outfit save for the alarmingly bright pink socks on his feet. The mesmerizing effect of the man’s profile - the delicate slope of his nose contrasting with his defined jaw – on Jeongguk would be seared into his mind forever.

Jeongguk had been stunned by beauty before, but never quite like this.

He knew who this person was. He had seen his pictures in Yoongi’s apartment, had seen pictures of all of Yoongi’s friends actually, but it would be this moment where his brain would immediately supply him with the name of the face right in front of him.

Seokjin.

“Joon, Hyung. This is Jeongguk. Jeongguk, these two poor excuses for chefs are Namjoon, he’s the one in green, and Seokjin-hyung, the one holding the tongs.”

“Jeongguk! What a pleasure to finally put a face to the name,” Namjoon greeted, “Uh, I’m usually a lot more put together than this-”

“That’s not true,” Seokjin quipped with perfect timing, receiving a soft ‘hyung’ from Namjoon in response.

Everything felt simultaneously slow and fast, a sudden need to impress and a sudden need to flee fighting inside of Jeongguk. If Jeongguk had been in possession of objectivity and a fully functioning brain, he would have recognized this rush of emotions for what it was: attraction.

Instead, he mistakenly categorized it as the return of his nerves.

Perhaps it was both.

“Ignore him,” Namjoon continued. “Anyway, welcome to mine and Jimin’s apartment. I preemptively apologize for everyone here.”

“Yah! Yoongi, are you hearing this?” Seokjin dramatically bellowed, waving around the tongs in his right hand, “Apologizing on behalf of everyone! Of me! You give someone your time and hard-earned cooking wisdom-”

“All you’ve done is yell at me!”

“You’re trying to poison everyone!” Seokjin yelled, using his free hand to grip the side of his head in frustration.  “Yoongi, come here,” he said, using the tongs to wave Yoongi over. “Please look at this chicken and tell me if you think that this is edible.”

Yoongi shot Jeongguk an embarrassed smile before making his way to the stove.

“Jeongguk-ssi, you come over too. You’ll have an unbiased opinion." In an instant, he grabbed ahold of Jeongguk's hand, pulling the wide-eyed and frozen boy to stand between Namjoon and Yoongi. “Hello, by the way. It’s nice to meet you,” he added with a wink.

Jeongguk knew that he was blushing furiously and immediately ducked his head to hide it. “Nice to meet you too, Seokjin-ssi.”

Yoongi inspected the chicken on the cooling rack, cutting it open to reveal incredibly pink meat.

“Oh, that’s not …” Jeongguk whispered under his breath.

“So, Yoongi? Your verdict?” Seokjin asked with a knowing smirk, his arms crossed over his chest.

Yoongi held back a chuckle. “Namjoon-ah, what is this?” He continued to poke at the mostly raw chicken. “You know to listen to Seokjin-hyung when it comes to things like this!”

“Oh. So it’s that bad?”

“Yah!” Seokjin protested. “Why do you take his word for it but not mine! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

And Jeongguk couldn’t help it.

He laughed, loud and unabashed, at Seokjin’s theatrics, his silent trance washed away by sheer amusement.

Seokjin flashed him a wide smile before shoving Namjoon out of the way so that he could stand right in front of Jeongguk. The eldest was only slightly taller than him, but the sudden proximity made Jeongguk stand up a bit straighter and subconsciously puff out his chest. There was a gleam in Seokjin’s eyes, a challenge.

“Oh Jeongguk-ssi! You agree with me then? Joonie here is failing to appreciate my efforts?”

He began to hear the mutterings of a oh my god, don’t but all of the advice Yoongi had given him about not indulging Seokjin’s antics was apparently forgotten, because, with a smirk and without hesitation, Jeongguk answered, “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

“Guk, I told you not to -” Yoongi groaned, but before Jeongguk could even defend himself, he was suddenly turned around by Seokjin, so that his back was pressed against Seokjin’s front. With an arm wrapped loosely across Jeongguk’s neck, Seokjin stretched out his other arm, tongs still in hand.

“Stand back!” Seokjin screamed, waving the tongs at Namjoon and Yoongi as if he were holding a sword. The two remained stoic and unimpressed, which was incomprehensible to Jeongguk who was again cackling with glee as this stranger held him hostage with a pair of kitchen tongs.

“This one,” Seokjin continued, now pointing the tongs at Jeongguk, “is now my new favorite.” He turned his head to look at Jeongguk, sizing him up as Jeongguk threw his head back in laughter, his face scrunched up into an uncontrollable smile.

“Jeongguk-ssi. You’ll always stand by your hyung, right?”

And Jeongguk still hadn’t recovered the ability to speak, but he nodded his agreement anyways, delighted when a huge smile spread across Seokjin’s face.

“Hyung! The chicken!” Namjoon screamed in panic, making Seokjin let go and turn back towards the stove, only to be met by the sad sight of two floating lumps of black in the skillet full of oil.

“Oh no, that’s unfortunate,” Seokjin muttered. He spun around once more to face Jeongguk again, placing his hands on the younger’s biceps, like a coach about to give their star player a pep talk.

“Jeongguk-ssi, don’t worry. Hyung’s got this under – wow, your biceps are really big. Whatever, not important – Hyung’s got this under control. I am not going to let Yoongi regret ever bringing you tonight.”

“I already am,” Yoongi lightheartedly complained as he pulled his boyfriend back, Jeongguk still recovering his breath with an uncontainable giggle escaping now and then.

“Oh my god, you won’t,” Seokjin stated matter-of-factly. “But go. Wait and relax in the living room. Not you, Namjoon. You’re not leaving until we fix this.”

They left the chefs to their duty, a rush of energy tingling throughout Jeongguk’s body.

“I really liked them,” he whispered as they walked back to the living room.

“Oh god, of course you did,” Yoongi responded, smiling.

The five waited in the living room as the two cooks tried to salvage their dinner, with Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok entertaining Jeongguk with stories about Yoongi and their group. Gradually, Jeongguk started feeling comfortable enough to talk freely about himself, especially once he started finding things that he had in common with Yoongi’s friends. When Hoseok mentioned that he, Jimin, and Taehyung loved going out to dance, Jeongguk was quick to say that he did as well, instantly earning an invite for their next night out.

Eventually the mixed smell of burning and savory began to tilt more towards the savory, and everyone cheered when Namjoon screamed out, “Dinner is saved! Give us fifteen more minutes and we’ll be good to go!”

Before Jeongguk could let his usual introversion stop him, he found himself volunteering to make a sauce to go along with the meal.

“Are you sure?” Yoongi asked, mouth close to his ear to give the question privacy. “You don’t have to do anything to impress anyone. Everyone’s already fallen in love with you.”

Jeongguk nodded. “I want to. Plus, it gives me more bonding time with Namjoon-ssi and Seokjin-ssi.”

But when he walked back into the kitchen, he was surprised, but not disappointed, to find that it was only Seokjin in there.

“Seokjin-ssi,” he said a little too loudly, the elder turning away from the stove at the sound of his voice. His chocolate brown hair, perfectly parted to the side, shined like silk under the kitchen lights and his lips were pursed in a question at Jeongguk’s unexpected appearance.

He hadn’t expected this scene in front of him, for it to be just him and a considerably calmer Seokjin. But still, he spoke with confidence. “I know how to make a really good sauce for fried chicken if that’s ok? I can whip it up fairly quickly.”

“Yah! Jeongguk-ah! Did I not make you feel like you can call me hyung?” Seokjin rebuked before shifting to a calmer and lower voice, “But yeah, that sounds good actually. We didn't have time to make anything to go with the chicken.”

Instantly feeling more relaxed with Seokjin’s casual demeanor, Jeongguk stepped into the kitchen. “Where’s Namjoon-ss- hyung? Do you think he’ll mind if I use their things to make it?”

“Oh, he left to go shower. He had flour and grease literally everywhere. But no, he and Jimin won’t mind. If anything, they’ll be beyond happy that you did it.”

Jeongguk had learned a fairly simple recipe from YouTube, so it didn’t take him long to find the ingredients, making small talk with Seokjin in the process.

“So, you know how to cook?” Seokjin asked as he handed Jeongguk a small mixing bowl.

“Mm, not really,” Jeongguk replied, “I mean, I like cooking but I haven’t been able to learn anything that’s more complicated than whatever you can prepare from a box. Sometimes, I help Yoongi-hyung, but I want to learn to do it myself.”

“It’s fairly easy if you like to do it, I think,” Seokjin said, “but if you ever want some lessons, let me know. I’m professionally trained.”

“Wow, hyung. Really?”

Seokjin grinned, “Well. Kind of. But not really. I took a year off between high school and university because I had no idea what I wanted to study, but my parents would have absolutely killed me if I ended up doing nothing but lounging around all day. So, I signed up for some cooking classes. I liked it enough that I ended up dedicating my whole gap year to it. It’s why I’m able to save this sad chicken.”

“Why didn’t you stick to cooking then?”

“Mm, I do love it, but sometimes it’s not good to make a profession of what you love, you know?”

Jeongguk shook his head, “Um, no, I don’t.” He laughed. “I studied music composition because I love it and I got a job as a composer for a video game company. The pay is pretty bad, but I’m happy with it.”

Seokjin blushed, the first time in the night Jeongguk had seen him genuinely embarrassed. There was satisfaction and endearment at having caused the reaction. “Oh god, that came out wrong. And good for you! Congrats, really! It’s good that people like you and Yoongi – and Namjoon too, he, like, loves rocks and is a geologist – are able to dedicate yourselves completely to your passions. I meant for me, I guess. I need that separation in life in order to enjoy things without pressure.”

Jeongguk hummed, “I get it, hyung. So, what do you do?”

“This is going to sound so boring compared to your job,” he groaned, “but I’m a marketing specialist. I basically come up with ads that will convince you to buy things you don’t need.”

Jeongguk could see it. He had only known him for about half an hour, but it was evident that Seokjin possessed enough charm and outlandishness to persuade anyone to do anything. “That doesn’t sound boring.”

Seokjin raised his eyebrow at him. “There’s no way you’re serious, but thank you anyways.”

“I’m being perfectly honest," Jeongguk said, biting back a smile. "Do you like it?”

Seokjin took a second to ponder, but nodded with a sincere expression on his face. “I do. It’s not overly exciting, but I’m good at it.”

“I’m sure you’re the best in your field,” Jeongguk teased, throwing Seokjin a playful smirk, a small part of him wondering at what moment he had started to feel so comfortable with the eldest.

Seokjin played along as he placed the last piece of chicken on the cooling rack. “Exactly, Jeongguk-ah. This is why you’re my new favorite.”

“Who was your old one?”

“Me, of course.”

“Wow, I even outranked you?”

Seokjin paused. “Ok, let’s just say we’re tied then. Now! No more distractions. I’m starving and about to pass out. If the sauce is ready, then let’s start taking things out to the table.”

The chicken, miraculously, turned out incredibly well, and Namjoon almost burst into tears when Seokjin swore that Namjoon had done most of the work, that it had really just been a matter of adjusting the temperature of the oil.

Jeongguk, having been a witness to some of the repair, knew that this wasn’t true - and it appeared that everyone knew this as well given the knowing glances shot across the table- but he admired their willingness to go along with Seokjin’s insistence that Namjoon take the credit.

But what most impressed Jeongguk throughout the night was seeing a side of Yoongi he rarely got to see. In their first three months of dating, he and Yoongi hadn’t really had the opportunity to spend much time with each other outside of Jeongguk’s internship. Whatever evenings they had free were usually spent on quiet dates or over at Yoongi’s apartment, rarely with other people.

So, seeing Yoongi now, joking around, just as loud and dramatic like his friends, made Jeongguk fall in love with him a little bit more.

And he couldn’t help but fall a little in love with Yoongi’s friends as well.

Jimin, who had the biggest heart and a mischievous streak.

Taehyung, an old soul who was so naturally sweet.

Hoseok, who possessed boundless energy and a great listening ear.

Namjoon, a man with endless patience and an incredible intellect.

And finally, Seokjin, who had made Jeongguk laugh more in one night than he had laughed in an entire month. Who, when Jeongguk commented how he was saving up for a car, offered to give Jeongguk a ride whenever he needed it so that he wouldn’t have to spend money on taxis and rideshares. As it turned out, Seokjin, out of everyone, was the one who lived the closest to Jeongguk, the eldest’s building only a ten-minute drive from the apartment that Jeongguk had rented above a GS25 convenience store.

“Yoongi-hyung,” Jeongguk jumped up and down with exhilaration as they made their way to their taxi, “your friends are so cool.”

“They’re ok,” Yoongi said nonchalantly, but his gummy smile was proud and wide, evidence that he was happy with how well the night had gone.

“Hyung, let’s hang out with them again soon. I want to get to know them better.”

“Oh god,” Yoongi laughed, “this is my nightmare. They’re going to corrupt you, jagiya.”

“But they’re so much fun.”

“Well, we make an effort to see each other at least once a week, usually on Sundays for lunch, but sometimes we only manage twice a month. Taehyung and Hobi are the ones usually responsible for organizing.” Yoongi’s voice became softer as he spoke. “We tease them a lot for it but I’m actually pretty grateful. Usually after university, friend groups start to grow apart because of work and life, but we’ve done a pretty good job of staying close.” He grabbed Jeongguk’s hand and shyly kissed his cheek before they climbed into the cab. “Even adding a couple of people here and there.”

Jeongguk’s heart thumped. There’s something about meeting someone who makes you feel welcome without judgment, an openness to friendship without preconditions, that brings about a sense of comfort and excitement.

He grabbed Yoongi’s hand, warmth blooming in his heart.

Everything felt like it was falling into place.

FOUR MONTHS AGO

(Early September, after a Dinner)

Jeongguk felt his throat slowly drying up. His eyes widening in surprise. The color draining from his face.

He could feel it all, but he couldn’t stop any of it.

At the very least, he thought, close your fucking mouth.

He knew that his reaction was only worsening this entire moment, but his body remained deathly paralyzed, unable to do or say anything.

No, all he did was helplessly watch as Yoongi’s hopeful eyes gradually dulled with doubt. And as much as he wanted to say something, anything, to assuage Yoongi, no words came forward.

Even when Yoongi scooted back on the couch - away from him - Jeongguk still couldn’t utter the response he knew Yoongi wanted to hear, or even anything to reassure him that the elder hadn’t just put his heart on the line for nothing.

And Jeongguk hates it when he gets like this – when he can’t articulate his feelings into words, his brain crashing as it’s overwhelmed with emotions. He can’t afford to shut down in panic, not now, not with Yoongi waiting.

But the earth was shifting beneath his feet and he just needed a second to think.

“I didn’t mean to put you on the spot,” Yoongi said quietly, finally looking away from Jeongguk’s stunned face. “You don’t have to say anything. Really. It was just an idea I had.”

“Ah, hyung. No, it’s not-,” Jeongguk responded, his voice audibly hoarse. He forced himself to pause and drink water, hoping it would buy him a few seconds to come up with something. “It’s just- I don’t know- I love you, I do, I just … wasn’t … expecting … this.” Apparantly, it didn't. 

Yoongi chuckled, but it came out awkward and off. Guarded. “Jagiya, we’ve talked about it before-”

But he stopped. Sighed. Shook his head. Every expression of disappointment a stab in Jeongguk’s conscience.

“Sorry, that’s not- Guk, if you need time to think about it, that’s ok.”

“I don’t.” Jeongguk carelessly stated, scrambling when hurt flashed in Yoongi’s eyes. “I mean- Hyung, I’m still- Do you really think you want to live with me?” He asked with feigned lightheartedness, a nervous laugh tacked on at the end.

Guilt razed through him when he saw confusion in Yoongi’s face.

“I do." The certainty in Yoongi’s voice made Jeongguk feel even more out of depth. Yoongi was so sure, always so sure of Jeongguk. Why couldn’t Jeongguk give that back to him right now, when Yoongi needed it the most? 

“Jagiya, I love you. I love spending time with you. I love it when I get to go to sleep holding you and when I wake up to your face. The days when I come home and you’re already here? I want that all the time. We fit into each other’s lives so well, Guk. I want a future with you, I just thought this would be the natural next step.”

It should have been, right? They had been dating for over a year and a half now and their relationship was, by all relevant metrics, going well. They had their lows every now and then, like any other couple, but nothing that they had been unable to handle.

Jeongguk had never been with someone so composed. He admired Yoongi immensely, was always in awe of his pragmatism and maturity. Every day with him had felt like being wrapped into a gentle hug, always comfortable and steady; never volatile or naïve like his short-lived university relationships.

No, their relationship was one of the few reliable pillars of Jeongguk’s life during his transition from university student to Real Adult, and Jeongguk was grateful for this one consistent thing amidst so much change.

But at that moment, as he sat on Yoongi’s couch, he wondered if he had created an image of their relationship that no longer matched with reality. If he had grown so comfortable with things as they were that he had stopped working towards what they could be.

Because – if he had to be completely honest – he had never seriously considered what his future with Yoongi would look like.

Yes, Yoongi was right – it’s not as if the idea were out of the blue. The couple would make comments in passing every now and then, “this would be easier if you just lived here”, “ah, I can’t wait for when we get a dog”, “When we finally get an apartment, let’s do this or that.” They had clothes and toothbrushes at each other’s places. Their fridges and pantries were stocked with snacks the other would eat. But Jeongguk didn’t think that abstract future was already so close, that Yoongi was taking real and concrete steps to make their throwaway comments into a reality.

And.

That was wrong, wasn’t it?

He should be thinking about their future. Yoongi was.

Jeongguk had always prided himself on being a good boyfriend to Yoongi, and he knew that he was based on the evidence at hand.

Everyone noticed how the elder had grown more quietly confident and self-assured in their relationship, how he no longer shied away from Jeongguk’s affections and instead openly indulged with his inner romantic self. Their friends would always comment that they could feel the happiness radiate from Yoongi simply by being around him, how it had been an evident change once Jeongguk had entered his life.

And Yoongi was an amazing boyfriend to him. The elder had been there for him as he struggled to figure out his life as graduation approached, had never once pressured him, had loved him when Jeongguk was so unsure of himself.

Jeongguk was fairly certain that he had never doubted their relationship. There was never any reason to. Being with Yoongi was like floating in calm waters. As long as no major waves came along, there was no reason to change anything that was already working well.

Yoongi had faith in him and he had faith in Yoongi. That’s all that mattered.

But now Yoongi was actually asking for more, for growth, and Jeongguk felt submerged under incessant waves.

The fact that he couldn’t bring himself to say yes or let me think about it for a few days, hyung felt like the shattering of an illusion – his relationship was something he felt they had perfected and yet, here he was, stopping their relationship from moving forward. A roadblock.

And Jeongguk recognized the irony of the situation – that he, who had pushed for more at the beginning of their relationship was now shocked that they couldn’t keep things as they were.  He almost wanted to laugh at how blind he had been to his own complacency, but he had a feeling that would only make matters worse.

“Hyung, I love you,” he finally began to respond. “I mean, this isn’t about whether or not I love you or not wanting to move forward with us, it’s just-” Jeongguk couldn’t take his eyes away from Yoongi, at the way the elder was no longer looking at him, his eyes cast down on the fidgeting hands in his lap instead. “I don’t know how to explain it but I just don’t feel ready for that right now. Fuck, I’m sorry.” His voice cracked. “I’m really, really sorry.” 

Yoongi turned his gaze back to the younger’s, reaching out to grab his hand, “Hey, it’s ok. I only want this if you want this. I know you love me. And it’s ok to not feel ready. Seriously. Don’t worry about it, Guk.”

His tone was genuine, but Yoongi’s eyes, always so good at never betraying any inner turmoil, told a different story.

Yoongi had prepared an entire dinner for this and Jeongguk had noticed how Yoongi had been thrumming with anticipation throughout the entire night, how he had been so excited when he asked Jeongguk if he wanted to live together. That they could search for new apartments, he had even already looked a few up. That they could make a real life together.

Logistically, it made sense. Jeongguk’s lease expired in two months and he still hadn’t decided whether or not to renew it. Everyone always commented about how small his unassuming apartment was [especially Seokjin, he allowed himself to momentarily grumble] but he was proud of the little home he had made for himself after university. Yoongi was earning well with freelance producing and Jeongguk had a stable income with his job [even if it was pretty low, the way first salaries usually were]. But he knew they could afford it. A bigger place for the two of them. A new home.

Yet, as soon as the words left Yoongi’s mouth – “I think we should move in together. I want that with you.” – Jeongguk felt his stomach drop. He suddenly became incredibly aware of the whir of the air conditioner, the hum of the refrigerator, the fast and loud beating of his heart. An overload on his senses.

The response should have been automatic – “Are you serious? Of course, hyung! I would love to.” – a kiss and laughter would have followed.

But instead, Jeongguk had only responded with a silence that spoke some of the uncomfortable truths that laid between them. They weren’t on the same page on where their relationship stood. They weren’t ready.

No, Jeongguk scolded himself, scratch that.

Yoongi was ready. Jeongguk was the one who wasn’t.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” He apologized again, with a quiet voice. He wanted to repeat it over and over. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this shouldn’t even be catching me off guard, I’m sorry.

“Maybe … later? In the future? Just … not right now.”

Yoongi gently nodded, his voice calm when he responded, “Of course, Guk. Listen, it’s totally fine. I’m not upset, really. I love you, that’ll never change.”

The elder pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before gathering their plates. Not wanting to wallow in his thoughts, Jeongguk stood up to help him and they silently cleaned up the living room where they had been having dessert. Cleanup was usually a quiet affair, one of those comfortable silences that develop between couples when superfluous words no longer need to be spoken to fill the air. But this silence was tense with rejection and guilt. [The awkwardness, they would later find out, would not dissipate for days.] Yoongi had said it was fine, but the gummy smile that he had had on his face all throughout the night was gone.

Jeongguk felt pangs in his heart. There was no way around it. He had failed Yoongi. Yoongi, who never asked him for anything, who had always given Jeongguk whatever he needed.

This should have been a happy night, the beginning of a new chapter for their relationship, but Jeongguk had slipped and fallen behind.

When they said their goodbyes later that night, Jeongguk kissed Yoongi with urgency, hoping to communicate as much love as possible to his boyfriend.

“We’re ok, right?” he asked, doubt unknowingly already seeping into Jeongguk’s mind.

“Of course, we are.”

PRESENT

Jeongguk shifts slightly as the slivers of sunlight that peek between the blinds fall directly on his face, slowly waking him. He buries his face in the pillow that he’s hugging, the desire to remain asleep strong and alluring.

The heater hums and blows warm air on his skin, but there’s a cold that he feels rattling throughout his body that won’t go away. Groggily, he opens his eyes but he fails to immediately recognize the things around him.

For a second, he’s confused. This is not his room.

This isn’t Seokjin’s room either, he thinks next. He shuts his eyes. No, of course it wouldn’t be. That – whatever it had been – was over, and had been over, for two weeks now.

There’s a surge of grief, but he catches it in time and he squashes it down deep into his soul.

As he blindly reaches down to pull at the comforter, his ear pricks at the sound of rustling behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, he’s temporarily surprised when he sees the back of another person.

It always takes him a while to wake up, to gather his bearings and become something resembling a human being, but the sight of that head of jet black hair that he would know anywhere jolts him awake. Another quick sweep of the room, and he finally recognizes it as Yoongi’s.

Ah. Right. They had left Namjoon and Jimin’s New Year’s Eve party together and had come back to Yoongi’s place.

He retakes his curled-up position and smothers his face into the pillow. Shutting his eyes once more, he is desperate for sleep to claim him.

But his brain restarts anyway, and his fragile dam breaks. The memories of the previous night come flooding back.

The soft kiss that Yoongi pressed on his lips when the clock hit midnight - their first kiss since they had separated.

The illusory hope he felt when Yoongi smiled afterward, that maybe things could magically go back to the way they were with no consequences to anyone.  

How that came crashing down when he lifted his gaze and caught the broken look on Seokjin’s face. The expression lasted less than a second, Seokjin quickly fixing his face into a polite smile before he turned to hug Jimin.

They had barely spoken to each other the entire evening. Or at all, really, since that Tuesday night when Jeongguk selfishly pushed and asked Seokjin for more than he should have.

[Eleven days ago, if one were keeping track]

And technically, Jeongguk supposes, that night had only been for “closure”. The real last time that they had spoken to each other – before the silence and the ever-widening distance – had been the week after Seokjin’s birthday.

[Twenty-one days ago, the number of days continually going up. Not that Jeongguk is counting.]

He knows that the guilt and pain he feels are to be expected. Seokjin had been the one to warn him about that.  But there was no other choice other than to simply get through it until things were normal again - until Jeongguk fixed things with Yoongi and until Jeongguk and Seokjin moved on from each other.

Jeongguk kind of hates it. The distance. But Seokjin had asked him for it, had said it was necessary for the both of them, and even if he wants to fight it, he owes the elder at least this much.

He misses him though.

Terribly.

He tells himself often that, once things are better, they can have it all back. The laughter, the touching, each other’s presence. Their friendship.

A terrified part of him screams that it’s selfish of Jeongguk to want any of that. That he has no right to miss Seokjin or to want anything from him ever again.

That it’s only a matter of time before Seokjin realizes it as well.

So, when Seokjin warily approached them for a celebratory New Year hug, Jeongguk held on a little tighter and a little longer than he probably should have, trying to communicate everything that he could into that simple hug.

I miss you.

I hate what I’ve done to you.

Don’t leave me.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

[But only as a friend. Right?]

The eldest left shortly after that, something about an early drive to his parents in the morning. Jeongguk didn’t believe a word of it. He almost challenged Seokjin to stay just a little while longer, the words on the tip of his tongue.

But he knew that he couldn’t, so he didn’t.

And Jeongguk isn’t sure how, but the warmth of Seokjin’s embrace lingered long after he was gone, his scent permeated everything in Jeongguk’s vicinity. It defies scientific explanation, he thinks.

Jeongguk tightens his grip on the pillow.

Yoongi never left his side the entire night and he never left Yoongi’s. They still hadn’t officially cleared the air, but it was now fairly clear to everyone and themselves that they were on the path to reuniting. They were spending more and more time with each other, arriving and leaving group hangouts together. He was playing the role of reconciling boyfriend perfectly.

It was really only a matter of time.

Later that night, Yoongi kissed him again on Jimin and Namjoon’s balcony, less chaste and more passionate than the kiss that they had shared earlier. When he asked Jeongguk to come back home with him, that they could Talk in the morning, Jeongguk said yes.

They stumbled into Yoongi’s apartment, Jeongguk following all of the steps to the dance that he once knew flawlessly well.

The giggling kisses, now driven by a euphoric fantasy of recapturing a love almost lost. The intimate touches, now seeking to recall the thrill they had brought before. The well-timed thrusts, now aiming to cement their reunion.

In each other’s arms, once again. Happy.

But now, in the morning after, there’s an agitation that Jeongguk can’t shake. A weird tension in his chest builds, something similar to panic but not quite, but it makes him shudder in discomfort, wanting to be somewhere else.   

It must be the unresolved guilt, he thinks. Guilt that he feels towards both Yoongi and Seokjin.

He shouldn’t have slept with Yoongi before talking things out, but he’ll hold onto the fact that he had made Yoongi feel good, that he could give him that much.

But.

He also feels like he betrayed Seokjin. Which. How could he, when they were never really together? A feeling of uselessness weighs heavily over him, unable to do anything more besides give Seokjin space when he knows that he owes him so much more.

It tears at him, but he can only hope that once he’s fixed his mistakes, everything will feel right again.

True remorse is demonstrated by actions after all.

Giving up on sleep, he shuffles away from the bed, restless in his need to move but careful to not wake Yoongi up, and heads to the bathroom to wash.

The artificial light of the bathroom is harsh and glaring, disorienting Jeongguk even more. He rubs his eyes rather forcefully, slapping his cheeks in an effort to get himself together. Checking his appearance in the medicine cabinet mirror, he sees a couple of hickeys on his neck and collarbone, evidence of Yoongi’s eagerness.

Seokjin almost never left marks.

He closes his eyes.

Stop.

He needs to let Seokjin go.

It’s bad enough that he couldn’t fucking control himself and repeatedly slept with one of Yoongi’s oldest friends. That he would be so weak and so selfish as to do that to Yoongi. It doesn’t help that he held on to Seokjin, like some greedy asshole, even after knowing how the elder felt about him. And to make matters even worse, to really drive in the knives that he’s lodged into the hearts of two people he cares deeply about, he had realized he had feelings for Seokjin. Feelings that couldn’t be acted upon. Feelings whose very existence were a betrayal.

He’s fucked up so much.

Jeongguk sighs heavily and leans over the sink, gripping the basin.

He’ll have to tell Yoongi of course, that he took advantage of the open part of the break. Yoongi deserves to know that there was someone else during their time apart. Through Jimin, Jeongguk knows that Yoongi has slept with other people as well, so he’s not necessarily afraid of admitting to that part of it.

But he also knows, simply by knowing Yoongi, that the elder’s love had never wavered. 

Not that Jeongguk’s had.

He’s made a mess, and he has no good excuse as to why. He's hurt both Yoongi and Seokjin. Has risked the friendships of everyone. Jeongguk swears that he isn't a selfish person, but, well, actions speak louder than words, he thinks derisively.

So, Jeongguk makes a promise to himself. He will make things right. He just has to put in the dedication and the effort. 

And once things are settled with Yoongi, he’ll repair his friendship with Seokjin.

He lifts his head and looks at his reflection again, eyes resolute.

He just needs time.

With Yoongi still asleep, he decides to work on making some haejangguk for breakfast.

He's rummaging through the elder’s kitchen, gathering up the ingredients he needs when he’s hit by a memory from a couple of months ago, of a morning in Seokjin’s apartment.

The night before had been the third time that they had slept together, and the first time Jeongguk hadn't fled as soon as it was over. It was as if they had convinced themselves that Seokjin’s apartment was their own tiny private bubble and nothing and no one else existed outside of it.

Jeongguk had woken up to the sounds of Seokjin moving around in the kitchen, a loopy smile on his face at knowing that Seokjin – the noisiest individual to have ever lived - probably thought he was going about it quietly.

He had pilfered through Seokjin’s wardrobe to find something to wear - intentionally leaving it slightly messy to annoy his hyung - before settling on only a pair of grey sweatpants, his body too warm for a t-shirt. Or maybe he was showing off. Sue him. 

He had tiptoed his way to the kitchen, careful to not make a single sound. Seokjin was turned away from the entrance, completely unaware of Jeongguk stealthily walking up to him until he felt a body suddenly latch onto his back. He screamed right in Jeongguk's ear.

“Ahh, hyung,” he had complained, burrowing his face into Seokjin’s neck as he wrapped his arms tight around his waist, no space left between their bodies.

“I’ve told you not to surprise me like that, Guk-ah!” Seokjin chastised, the scolding falling flat when he tilted his neck to the side, encouraging the loud and wet kisses Jeongguk had begun to leave on his skin.  

“But it’s funny,” he giggled into Seokjin’s neck, enjoying how the hot breath made the elder shiver. He moved his hands underneath Seokjin’s white t-shirt, tracing the warm skin of his waist.

“Stop,” Seokjin grumbled, “let me make breakfast.” But he leaned his head back to rest it on Jeongguk’s shoulder anyway, sighing as the younger continued his touches.

“You haven’t even started cooking,” he murmured, trailing his lips up to Seokjin’s ear, nibbling on the lobe and holding on tighter when Seokjin began to squirm.

When he began to grind his hips against Seokjin, letting him feel how hard he was getting, Seokjin stiffened and turned around.

“Ah Guk,” he mumbled, his ears and neck blushing red, “I’m – um – I’m a little sore.”

But his embarrassment morphed into a scowl when he saw the proud smirk on Jeongguk’s face, and he slapped the younger’s bare chest. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t even say anything,” he said, reaching for Seokjin’s hand and placing it back on his chest. “So, you’re still sore?” he hummed, stepping into Seokjin’s space, forcing him back against the counter.

Seokjin rolled his eyes, turning his face away from Jeongguk. “I’m not repeating myself.”

Jeongguk rested his forehead on the side of Seokjin’s head, rubbing their hair together.

“Hyung,” he sung low and gravelly into his ear.

“No.”

“Hyung,” he repeated. “Let me kiss you?”

Seokjin turned his face back towards his only slightly, and that was enough for Jeongguk. He leaned in, capturing the elder’s lips in an innocent kiss, too delicate and gentle given that he had basically tried to dry-hump him a few minutes ago. But Seokjin, all shame forgotten, moved his lips smoothly against Jeongguk’s, his hands roaming the younger’s chest with abandon.

“We don’t have to do anything,” he spoke in the sliver of space he had allowed between their mouths, his hands caressing Seokjin’s sides. “But, if you want,” he kissed him again, “you could fuck me.”

Seokjin’s eyes widened comically, the hands around his waist tightening in surprise. “We haven’t done that.”

“I know, that’s why I’m suggesting it. But we don’t have to do anything at all. I can help you with breakfast instead.”

There were no words from Seokjin for a few seconds. But when the elder bit his bottom lip in consideration, Jeongguk knew that he’d won. Seokjin hummed, dragging his hands down to Jeongguk’s waist and quirking his lip at Jeongguk’s half-hard bulge.

“Kiss me."

Jeongguk obliged, gasping when Seokjin suddenly groped his ass. Seokjin wasted no time, using the opening to sink his tongue into the younger’s mouth, increasing the intensity of their kiss with every flick of his tongue.  

“Ok,” Seokjin said when they finally pulled away for air.

Jeongguk wants to bash his head against the countertop. He can’t have a fucking sex flashback of another man while in Yoongi’s apartment. But the memories won’t stop playing in his head, a tape stuck in rewind.

How Seokjin carefully opened him up. How thick Seokjin felt inside of him, sliding his cock against Jeongguk's walls. How Jeongguk couldn’t stop the moans cascading from his mouth as Seokjin slammed his hips against his ass, a symphony of sinful sounds echoing in the kitchen. How his fingers grasped at the countertop until Seokjin let go of his hard grip on Jeongguk’s hips to intertwine their hands together, his broad chest feeling so warm and comforting on Jeongguk’s back.

How Seokjin apologized afterwards for biting hard into his shoulder when he came into the condom, promising to never leave a mark again – the vow a splash of cold water that brought them back to reality about their situation.

Jeongguk panics when he realizes he’s become somewhat aroused, but the guilt that courses through him is enough to kill it. He’s so fucking ashamed of himself, that his mind still romanticizes his time with Seokjin, that he had even allowed himself to be that shameless during those two months.

He tries to focus on making the soup. He just needs to spend more time with Yoongi. Yoongi, his first real love, his only true love.

The memories of Seokjin are salient to Jeongguk because they’re recent, he tells himself. But with time, they’ll fade.

They have to. He just has to work on it.

He startles slightly when he feels slender arms wrap around his waist and lips kissing his clothed shoulder.

“Morning.”

The sight of Yoongi’s puffy face resting on his shoulder brings a soft smile to his face. This is where he should be.

“Morning, hyung. Go sit down, I’m almost done here.”

“Look at you,” Yoongi chuckles into his shoulder, “up so early and making food. You’ve picked up some new habits these past couple of months.”

Jeongguk stirs his stew and hums. “I’ve always had potential, hyung. I was going to have to grow out of my assistant chef position at some point.”

Yoongi lets go of him to lean back on the counter, arms crossed against his chest and a calm and blissful smile on his face.

“I look forward to more meals from you then, Guk. Who did you learn how to make haejangguk from then? Seokjin-hyung?”

Jeongguk mentally applauds himself for taking the question in stride without panicking.

“No, watched a tutorial on YouTube.” It’s the truth. He did learn it on his own by watching an online video. It’s just that he learned it using Seokjin’s kitchen.

“I should call him soon," Yoongi absentmindedly comments. "It’s been so long since we hung out just the two of us.”

Jeongguk continues to stir.

“Weren’t you supposed to grab a meal with him?”

“Hmm? Yeah, but we haven’t been able to match up our schedules.”

It’s his fault, he knows it is. The two used to spend so much time together.

But it’s not as if he can tell Yoongi to give Seokjin space – that the eldest feels both guilt-ridden and heartbroken. And it’s not as if he can ask Seokjin to push past his feelings to meet with Yoongi, he would never be that insensitive.

No, all he can do is stir this haejangguk, unable to say anything that wouldn’t make things worse. If he bites his tongue any harder, he’ll probably bleed.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah,” says Yoongi distractedly, his eyes now focusing on Jeongguk’s appearance. “Wait, why are you wearing your clothes from last night? You still have clothes here; you could have worn something more comfortable. Or just borrowed something of mine.”

“Oh.” He's not sure why it slipped from his mind that he has a drawer in Yoongi’s right-side dresser. “Guess I just forgot. I feel fine in these anyways.”

“Ok. Well. Now you know for next time.”

Once they’re sitting down and eating, Jeongguk lets himself revel in the familiarity of this morning, a small comfort from his warring emotions. He had missed the sight of Yoongi across from him, animated but relaxed, chatting with excitement about the most random things. It had been a while since he had seen Yoongi like this.

They make small talk about what’s happening in each other’s work, what they’ve done with their friends. Jeongguk is careful to avoid anything that would relate back to Seokjin.

Eventually, they settle into one of their cozy silences as they eat. There’s something unsettling to Jeongguk about how easy it is to fall back into their routine movements, but he welcomes it regardless.

Upon finishing up, Yoongi steps away to make them tea, and Jeongguk’s uneasiness comes back tenfold. He knows that The Talk is approaching, and he has to decide now how much he wants to come clean on.

He tries to distract himself by looking around the living room, noticing that the apartment seems more organized than what he remembers. He’s unsure if maybe Yoongi had tidied up prior to the party in case Jeongguk came back home with him, or if Jeongguk’s constant badgering about being more orderly had finally made an impact.

There are new pictures put up along the apartment walls, mostly artistic photographs that Yoongi had probably finally gotten around to developing from his personal film. But his eyes settle on a couple of framed pictures he’s seen before.

The first one is from Yoongi’s university days – a group shot of him, Seokjin, Namjoon, and Hoseok. Namjoon carries Hoseok on his back while Seokjin has his arms wrapped around Yoongi’s neck, the eldest making a ridiculous smooching face as Yoongi tries to push him off. It’s fun and silly and it makes Jeongguk ache. 

The second one is of their first date. They had gone out to what would eventually become their favorite spot, a place that Yoongi had chosen after Jeongguk had made a passing comment about how he badly craved lamb skewers. Jeongguk had felt so giddy the whole day leading up to the date. He had been amazed that Yoongi, a genius producer he had befriended through an internship and who he not so subtly worshipped, had said yes to him, a fourth-year university student. He remembers how he had pined from afar, constantly admiring how pretty Yoongi was, how he seemed to know himself so well, how he never accepted any bullshit from anyone.

So, despite how shy the younger could be with people he barely knew, he took advantage of the occasional bravado that he had and leapt without looking. And it paid off. Yoongi had said yes.

The rest, as they say, is history.

He’s pulled from his reminiscing when Yoongi comes back with two cups of tea.

“Thanks, hyung,” he says as he retakes his seat.

“Don’t mention it.” Yoongi tilts his head to the side, his eyes lost in thought. “You’re starting to wear a different style now.”

Jeongguk pouts and looks down at the clothing he had worn to Namjoon and Jimin’s New Year’s Eve party.

It’s a matching top and bottom set with a black, blue, and pink tie-dye print and a black t-shirt underneath the unbuttoned short-sleeved top.

“You don’t like it?” he asks.

Yoongi nods. “I do. You look amazing. I think I just noticed that you’ve started wearing two-piece sets now. And pink as well. Ah, Hobi and Seokjin-hyung have gotten their hands on you,” the elder teases, but it makes Jeongguk tense in his seat. There’s a sudden flash in his mind of Seokjin in a ridiculous pink Hawaiian shirt and he immediately tries to get his brain to shut it down.

“Ah, hyung. This is my own style.”

“I know, I know. It’s really nice to see you come into your own, actually.”

Jeongguk fakes a smile. Memories of Seokjin are pushed to the forefront of his mind, his brain ultimately pressing play on one of two weeks ago, of the last time he had been with the eldest.

He had woken up alone. He had expected it.

After all, Seokjin had said that he had needed to leave early for work. And honestly, if he were Seokjin, he wouldn’t have wanted to spend any more time with Jeongguk either.

“It had to happen at some point.”

Regardless, it had still hurt.

Waking up to an empty side, the bed already cold. It was deafeningly quiet in his apartment that morning. As he showered and washed away Seokjin’s scent, his touches, and his sweat, he struggled in holding back tears and shaky breaths. He had no right to cry over a mess he created.

“Well, I’m glad I get to see it happen. I’ve really missed you, Guk.”

Whatever he thought he felt for Seokjin was simply him latching on to the person closest to him during a confusing time in his life.

No, that’s not right.

Seokjin is more than someone who was just there.

So much more.

A voice in the back of his mind unleashes a scathing scoff. What more? It had hardly even had time to blossom into anything.

[Stop.]

“I’ve missed you too, hyung.”

None of it should matter anyways. It had only been a couple of months of sleeping with Seokjin. It should never be able to compare to an entire relationship that he had built with Yoongi. Jeongguk had fallen in love with Yoongi, shared memories with Yoongi, had promised a future to Yoongi.

What happened with Seokjin had been temporary and was now a thing of a past.

“I’m really happy that you think we’re ready to be us again,” the elder says with a deep breath of relief, placing his hand in the middle of the table, palm up. Jeongguk looks down at the hand, at the path that it holds, and then back up to Yoongi’s vulnerable gaze.

He was taking a risk, exposing his heart for his and Jeongguk’s future. Jeongguk could never throw that in his face, not when the hurt that radiated from Yoongi the night he said no to moving in still clear in his mind. Not when he still remembered how horrible the month after that had been. Not here in the apartment where an exhausted Yoongi had asked him for a break.

He places his hand on top of Yoongi’s.

As he should have listed first, he loved Yoongi.

“I’m sorry I made you wait so long.” 

All the small moments that they’ve shared together – the first time they went out for drinks and Yoongi realized that Jeongguk didn’t know the difference between rum and whisky [he spent the whole night teaching him on a budget they didn’t really have]; all of the times they spent talking about music in Yoongi’s living room at ungodly hours in the morning; the quiet laughs; the promises – they mattered.

“Don’t get me wrong, I would have waited for as long as you needed. I hope you know that, Guk. But it feels really fucking good to hold your hand.”

It’s not as if he could ever leave Yoongi for one of his best friends anyways.

Jeongguk closes his eyes.

“I feel the same, hyung.”

Whatever he feels for Seokjin -

Stop. Stop thinking about it. You’ll never move on this way.

He had dumped the sheets stained from his night with Seokjin into his laundry hamper. By the time he had dressed for work, he was already sapped of energy, wanting nothing more than to hide away from the day that lay ahead of him. To grieve. Sitting on his couch with his head in his hands, he tried to catch his breath and settle himself before heading out.

[Stop.]

He had dragged his hand down his face, his eyes wandering absentmindedly around his apartment before landing on his work desk. On it was a piece of paper, neatly folded.

A note.

[Stop.]

He remembers crying.

[Stop.]

He never made it to work that day.

“Hey, you ok?” There’s a look of concern on Yoongi’s face.

Guilt pricks at Jeongguk’s skin. Memories stitch together in his mind in non-sequential order.  

The night of Seokjin’s birthday dinner comes next. How Yoongi, visibly drained, had pulled him aside.

Swallowing back the lump in his throat, Jeongguk tries to smile, “Yeah, of course. I think it’s the dry air.”

Yoongi looks unconvinced, but he says nothing.

Yoongi approaching him at Seokjin’s birthday dinner was the wake-up call he needed. He had allowed himself to get distracted by the eldest during their break, but that was in the past now. Yoongi was his past, present, and future.

So Jeongguk nods, circling his finger on Yoongi’s palm. “So … are we both on the same page then? We want to be together? Completely?”

The smile on Yoongi’s face shines brightly. “Yes, jagi. I love you; I want to be with you.”

It’s a warm feeling that shoots through Jeongguk, one of quiet satisfaction. So, he leans over the table and kisses Yoongi, sealing their reunion. His lips are thin, different from Seok–

He presses his lips firmer against Yoongi’s, intently focusing on how the elder’s lips push back against his.

Eventually Yoongi pulls away, flustered and laughing quietly. “Yeah, I missed you too, Guk.”

Jeongguk sits back, pleased.

[Ashamed]

“We’re going to be ok,” he says to Yoongi.

[To himself]

“Of course we are. It’s us. As long as we love each other and are open with one another about how we feel, then we’ll be fine.”

Communication is key. Any decent relationship advice will include this. He knows he needs to tell Yoongi. If he wants them to have a chance, then he needs to be honest. So Jeongguk musters up as much courage as he can to say the following.

“I have to tell you something,” he starts. “Something that happened while we were apart.”

Yoongi stays quiet, but signals that he’s listening.

Jeongguk takes a steadying breath. “I did use the time to try to figure myself out. And I think I’m getting better at knowing what I want for my future.”

Yoongi smiles. “I’m glad, Guk. Sometimes I forget how young you are, but it’s normal for you to feel unsure about things every now and then. You still have so many experiences ahead of you that are going to mold you into the person that you’ll be.”

Jeongguk nods, nerves blasting throughout his body.

“The next part that I’m going to say … I don’t want you to think that it happened because I no longer have feelings for you.” He inhales deeply, his heart beating a mile a minute. “Or because I was using our break as an excuse to do whatever I wanted.”

How does he even begin to phrase this?

An awkward silence stretches before them as Jeongguk tries to find the right words, not even entirely certain where he should start or end this. 

So, Yoongi beats him to it.

“Guk, are you trying to say that you were with other people?” Yoongi asks, directly and to the point. He had never been one for bullshit.

Jeongguk looks at him with shock. No anger or sadness is betrayed in Yoongi’s tone. Unsure of what to say next, voice suddenly gone, he simply nods once.

Yoongi holds his gaze and leans back on his chair. “We’ve been apart since the end of September, Guk. And we had agreed that we would be allowed to look around, so that we could be sure that this is what we wanted.”

“I know, but -”

It’s not that easy.

“- just because we agreed to it doesn’t mean it won’t bother you.”

Yoongi’s stoicism unnerves Jeongguk. He’s honestly amazed that Yoongi isn’t demonstrating more shock, that he isn’t more upset.

“It would be hypocritical of me to be angry at you for something that I did as well.”

Even more surprising than Yoongi’s lack of response, is how easily Jeongguk accepts Yoongi’s own confession. He knows that it helps that he already knew, but he expected some sort of emotional reaction at hearing the words.

“Oh?”

“There were a couple of people,” Yoongi admits. “No one important, just …” he looks down at the table, voice quiet, “something to combat the loneliness, I guess. It was only those two times. I know that I’m the one who asked for the break, but I promise you Guk that they meant and mean nothing to me. You’re the only one I’ve wanted all this time.” 

Jeongguk processes Yoongi’s words. Yoongi really isn’t the type to go out to clubs, so he wonders if they were people related to his work, or friends. He was aware that one of these encounters has been in Seoul, but Yoongi had spent November in New York, maybe the second had happened there. 

He wonders how he would react if they were people within their friend group. Obviously not Namjoon or Jimin. Nor Seokjin.

But what if he had been with Hoseok? Or Yugyeom? He tries to imagine it, not because he’s a masochist by any means, but simply to get a sense of how such information would hurt. It would be uncomfortable, but he would survive it. But he knows it’s not a fair comparison. Few of his friendships carry the same history as Yoongi’s friendship with Seokjin. 

He makes a firm decision. He’ll confess his own actions, but he won’t bring Seokjin’s name into this.

“There was someone,” Jeongguk admits.

“Just one person?”

There’s no way around it.

“Yes,” Jeongguk steels himself, “but it wasn’t a one-time thing.”

“Oh.” Seconds pass. “How many times?”

“A few.”

“What, were you two actually together? How many is a few?” Yoongi presses with a disbelieving chuckle.

Jeongguk panics. He can’t tell Yoongi, but he doesn’t want to lie either.

“Does it matter?” falls out of his mouth, and he wants to swallow it back as soon as he says it.

Yoongi’s eyes narrow. “Jesus, Jeongguk. Were you just waiting for an opportunity to run to this person? Who was it?” There it was. The flash of anger that Jeongguk expected. The questions he didn’t want asked.

“No!” Did he? Is that what he did? Maybe not intentionally, but subconsciously? Jeongguk’s breath starts to quicken, “It wasn’t- it wasn’t like that. What I mean is …” Jeongguk pauses briefly to calm himself, determined to keep his stable tone.

“I’m choosing us, hyung. I’m here right now and not with them. So, I’m asking, not because I’m being flippant, but because I’m thinking of the bigger picture. Does it matter?”

He gets through his response well enough, but his chest tightens. For the first time since they’ve started talking, he feels like he’s going to vomit. The thought of destroying Yoongi and Seokjin’s friendship with one question terrifies him.

Yoongi looks at him intensely for a few seconds, leaving Jeongguk in suspense of what the elder might say.

But then his face softens. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I can’t be mad at you for seeing someone else when we agreed that it would be ok. I shouldn’t react like this.”

“No, don’t say sorry,” he mutters. If you knew everything, you wouldn’t be apologizing.

Yoongi breathes a heavy sigh and looks down at their table, shifting so that he can rest his crossed arms on the edge of it. “And it’s absolutely over between you and this person?”

The elder looks back up, heart exposed. Afraid. 

A sob lodges in Jeongguk’s throat before he swallows it back. Waves of guilt and loss swell in his body, but he’s so close to the finish line. “It was never even anything.”

His heart cracks and shatters. Listen closely, and you can hear the falling fragments hitting the kitchen tiles.

It’s over. It’s really over.

“Then fine,” Yoongi says quietly. “We accept that we sought comfort in other people while we were apart, and move on. Like you said, we’re choosing each other. I love you, Guk.”

It had never even really begun. 

“I do too, hyung,” he replies. “I want to make things right with you. I promise to do my part to work on us. I’m in, all the way.” The words sound right. Confident. 

The way Yoongi’s face lights up is able to ease some of Jeongguk’s grief.   

“Look. We both needed this time. And if it turns out that this made us stronger, then it was for the best, Guk. Fuck, you’re the only thing I want. There’s nothing wrong with going at our own pace, as long as we’re going together.”

Jeongguk exhales. Nods. Smiles.

No looking back.

It had been one week since Namjoon and Jimin’s New Year’s Eve Party, one week since Yoongi and Jeongguk had announced that they were back together, and Seokjin was absolutely fine. Perfect.

Really.

The morning after The Last Night, he returned to his apartment expecting to break down as soon as he crossed the threshold. But he didn’t.

He rallied.

Went to work and buried himself in his projects.

Asked Hoseok to meet with him that night instead of the following because he desperately needed a drink. Still, he played the part of Fun Seokjin perfectly.  

And when he went home, a little tipsy and a lot lonely, he signed up for hookup and dating apps, spending a solid two hours responding to the messages that were quickly dropping into his inbox.

He didn’t really have any intention of meeting up with any of them, but it was nice to feel wanted.  

The two weeks that followed The Last Night went by glacially slow, a suffocating, repetitive fog of going to work, perfunctorily responding to their group chat with memes and quips, coming home - except for one night where he took a wedding-stressed Jimin out to drinks because someone needed to hear him vent lest his nerves culminate in murdering his future mother-in-law - and then messaging a random stranger to make plans that he would eventually cancel until he was ready for bed.

But it was usually once he was in bed, trying to fall asleep, that he would allow himself to feel the deep ache in his chest. And sometimes he would let himself cry, because even though he felt guilty for missing someone who he should have never wanted, he still felt undeniably shattered.

So his days repeated like this, with little variation.

Their weekend get-togethers were unavoidable, but he liked to think that he was deftly managing the situation without arousing suspicion.

When they all went over to Hoseok’s to watch a movie, he immediately took the open seat next to Taehyung, avoiding the three-person sofa where Yoongi and Jeongguk sat.

And after that, when, for some inexplicable reason, he invited everyone to his uncle strawberry’s farm for a day, he made sure to ride in Jimin’s car with Namjoon and Taehyung.

He didn’t notice Jeongguk’s eyes shifting nervously from the eldest to Taehyung, nor did he hear him ask Hoseok when the exes suddenly became so close again.

All in all, he pretty much succeeded in avoiding Yoongi and Jeongguk while upholding the appearance that everything was fine.

He had told himself that it had to be that way. That as long as Yoongi and Jeongguk were still “talking”, he shouldn’t be alone with either one of them. He couldn’t afford to make any more mistakes with Jeongguk, to give him any more of himself; and he couldn’t afford to have Yoongi see the guilt written all over his face, for Yoongi to know how terrible of a friend Seokjin truly was.

He imagined that with time and distance he would finally start letting Jeongguk go. And that once Jeongguk and Yoongi were back together again, he would let go of his guilt as well. Everything, with time, would eventually be fine and he would be able to have the two in his life again.

But then he saw Yoongi and Jeongguk kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve, and he experienced a minor setback.

He had considered faking sick to skip out of the party, but given that it also doubled as a celebration for Taehyung's birthday, he knew he couldn't. 

So, he went, and had actually gotten through most of the night fine. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Yoongi and Jeongguk after all, and he had even managed to joke around with Yoongi and Namjoon without dropping to his knees at Yoongi’s feet and demanding punishment. A win in his book.

However, he still couldn’t bring himself to talk to Jeongguk. Not when he still possessed an overwhelming desire to caress his face, hold him, and never let go. The last real communication between them was his note and he didn’t have the emotional energy to say anything more.

Still, the night seemed to have been going better than he had expected.

But then Yoongi and Jeongguk kissed and they were happy, and he felt himself becoming undone.

He knew it had to happen at some point.

He knew, and had expected, that it would hurt.

But wow, had he underestimated how much.

That was fairly stupid of him.

Knowing that Yoongi and Jeongguk would probably leave together and not wanting to subject himself to the sight, he left pretty immediately after midnight. 

He kept it together in the ride back to his apartment, didn’t really want to scare the taxi driver with a crying 28-year-old in the back of his car.

The worst part was that he had the audacity to feel betrayed. As if the world revolved around him and his hurt.  As if he were the one wronged, when in the two months that he and Jeongguk had spent fucking each other, he constantly had nightmares about Yoongi finding out and looking at him with disgust and heartbreak.

“Happy New Year,” he thinks he said to the driver as he paid and exited the car, but everything sounded muffled in his ears, the fog of the past two weeks smothering all of his senses.

He managed to make it into his apartment before devolving into a bout of laughter, the sounds choked and laden with pain.

He slid down his apartment door, his hands gripping at his hair as his head fell to his knees, darkly amused at his pathetic state.

He’d never felt this before. He’s been in love and had hard breakups, sure, but this? Feeling like something has been cut and torn from his insides and not even having the energy or will to stop the bleeding? Oh, it’s excruciating.

Losing Jeongguk is horrendous. Being jealous of Yoongi after lying to him is disgraceful.

He remembered how Taehyung cried when Seokjin broke up with him and how guilty that had made him feel. It wasn’t until that moment that he realized that he never even felt half of what Taehyung felt for him. Taehyung avoided him for a couple of months afterwards, which Seokjin now understood perfectly. Was this how Taehyung had felt? Had he caused him this much pain?

Maybe Seokjin deserved all of this – for hurting Taehyung by developing feelings for someone else, for spreading his legs for Jeongguk as soon as Yoongi stepped away, for being so careless with his own heart.  

He laughed until his throat felt raw and dry, until it became painful to even breathe.

His chest heaved with exertion and his eyes were wet from a few stray tears, but he had at least managed to stave off hysterical sobbing.

“Yah, Seokjin-ah,” he whispered to himself, “how could you let yourself get to this point?”

There was no answer of course. Only maddening silence.

This is the worst of it, he thought, the moment he had dread the most. Now, he told himself, now you need to let go. There's no other choice.

Eventually, knowing that he couldn’t live out the rest of his life on his apartment floor, he stood up.

The following day he received a series of texts from Jeongguk, the first private contact they’ve had between them since The Last Night.

Hi hyung

I don’t know how to start this

Yoongi-hyung and I are back together.

I told him that I had been with someone, but I didn’t tell him that it was you

I couldn’t do that to you

Anyway, I wanted you to hear it from me

I wish I had the right words to apologize for everything

There are two messages that Jeongguk sent after that, but they were deleted by Jeongguk before Seokjin could read them.

The confirmation didn’t worsen or lessen the hollowness in his body. He replied back a simple, “Thanks for letting me know. I hope you two find your happiness.” And he doesn’t know if it came across as genuine, sarcastic or overly formal but he couldn’t bring himself to labor too much over his response. He supposes that he should feel grateful that Jeongguk never mentioned his name, but it does nothing to alleviate his guilt. Maybe it would have been better if Jeongguk told Yoongi everything, but he knows that if anyone should tell Yoongi about the fact that it was him, it should be Seokjin.

He is, however, grateful that Jeongguk has respected the boundaries Seokjin has put in place, and he has no desire in crossing them either. He needs the distance.

So, out of self-preservation, he placed all notifications from Jeongguk’s KaTalk on mute. He then opened Instagram and muted Jeongguk and Yoongi on there as well.

When Yoongi messaged their group chat with the news, he sent a congrats, happy for you guys, and then muted the chat for the rest of the day. His brother picked him up an hour later and they headed out to their parents’ house outside of Seoul, and he never tells anyone anything.

The days pass, and he’s back in his routine of work, go home, eat, message with strangers [but he makes real plans this time], and sleep. There's less crying now at least. 

He’s pretty numb actually, which is sort of freeing in its own way.

Jimin proposes drinks at his and Namjoon’s apartment for Saturday, and Seokjin waits for Jeongguk and Yoongi’s response to determine his decision.

They eventually reply that they can’t, that they have a date and the group coos and awes.

Seokjin sends a kissy face emoji.

He’s fine.

So here he is, three weeks after The Last Night, and one week after Jeongguk and Yoongi’s New Beginning, at Namjoon and Jimin’s apartment with Hoseok. Taehyung had messaged them earlier explaining that he had forgotten about a friend’s exhibit and that he needed to attend and show support, making it a drinking party of four for the night.

“We had originally planned for 100 guests, but now mom wants us to increase it to 150, which is obviously more planning. But because of she’s funding the wedding, well, you know…” Namjoon trails off, tired and exasperated.

“Oh god,” Seokjin laughs, “I’m never getting married.”

“But hyung, what if I told you that my super amazing cousin who’s a doctor and loaded and ethereally beautiful, if I say so myself, is coming to the wedding?” Jimin asks with an innocent smile.

Seokjin plays along. “As beautiful as you?”

“Obviously not,” Jimin scoffs, “but Joonie-hyung has already laid a claim to my heart, so I can only give you the next best option.”

“Wait, why are you trying to set up Jin-hyung! What about me? I’m single too!” Hoseok exclaims.

“Yeah, but you go on dates. As far as I know, Seokjin-hyung hasn’t dated anyone since he and Tae broke up, and that was like six months ago.”

Seokjin feels his stomach clench, but he knows he can keep his voice light.

“Yah, Jimin-ah! Am I not allowed to dedicate some time to myself? Can I not find happiness and fulfillment within me?”

Namjoon reaches over the coffee table to grab his shoulder. “Of course you can, hyung. Minnie, leave hyung alone. He’s happy single.”

“Oh my god, you wouldn’t even meet him until June anyways. I’m just saying, if you’re single and he’s single, I can introduce you two five months from now.”

“Or, hello? You can introduce him to me?” Hoseok says, waving his hand in Jimin’s face.

“Or you too! Oh my god,” the youngest gasps, “what if you guys become a throuple?”

Hoseok and Seokjin turn to look at each other, mutual frowns on their faces.

“I’ve literally washed vomit out of Hobi’s hair.”

“I once had to bring toilet paper from my dorm to hyung and Yoongi-hyung’s because they had run out and hyung was on the toilet and couldn’t reach Yoongi-hyung.”

“Psh, do you know all the gross shit I’ve had to do for Joon-hmpf” Namjoon slaps a hand over Jimin’s mouth.

“Babe, no one wants to hear about that.”

Jimin pushes Namjoon’s hand off. “I’m just saying love isn’t all butterflies and rainbows, sometimes it’s really hard shit.” Jimin giggles. “Literally.”

Sometimes love is getting your heart stomped all over by a pair of chunky black boots, Seokjin wants to quip. He holds back.  

“Wow, you two. The epitome of romance,” Seokjin deadpans instead, with a little jealousy in his heart. “Really doing a lot to sell the idea of marriage here.”

“Whatever. But if you end up marrying my cousin, I’m mentioning this in my best man speech.”

“Nope, no way you’re his best man. That’ll be me. Or Joon. Or Yoongi-hyung.”

“Of course it will be me! I’m his confidant. Hyung! Tell him I’m your confidant!”

“It’s not going to be either of you,” Namjoon laughs. “It’ll probably be Yoongi-hyung. The same way hyung will probably choose Jin-hyung for his.”

Seokjin doesn’t react.

“What do you mean he’ll choose Jin-hyung?! That will be me, too!” Jimin screams, but it sounds muffled in Seokjin’s ears.

He’s fine.

“Yoongi-hyung would obviously choose me,” he thinks he hears Hoseok argue.

He’s fine.

Fine.

Fine.

He downs his glass of soju, laughing along and saying nothing until the conversation moves on to Namjoon’s new adventures is gardening.

He ends up drinking a little more than he probably should.

Once the night nears its end, Seokjin and Hoseok stumble out of the apartment, the younger having planned to stay the night at Seokjin’s anyway to avoid having to travel across the city at 2 am.

Waiting for their cab in the apartment lobby, Seokjin leans into a giggling Hoseok’s side. Loose-limbed and loose-lipped, it feels good to not stand on his own.

He feels Hoseok move his hand up and down his back, but not in the way Jeongguk does it. No offense to his one of his best friends, but Jeongguk’s touch is definitely better.

And now he feels sad.

“Jin-hyung, are you ok?”

Seokjin only whines in response.

“I think you had more than we think,” he hears Hoseok mutter. “Don’t worry, we’ll be at your place soon.”

“Home?”

“Yep, home!” Hoseok nods his head, too fast for Seokjin’s taste. “Remember how much you love your bed and your pajamas?”

He does love his bed.

“Yeah,” he says dreamily.

Still a little disoriented, he panics slightly when he’s placed into the backseat of a car, but Hoseok is soon sitting next to him.

“Hoba,” he mumbles.

“Hmm?”

Seokjin laughs. “Remember when I totaled my car?”

Hoseok’s face falls. “You didn’t total it, someone crashed into you. It was an accident.”

“Yeah, but,” Seokjin sighs sadly, “I lost my car. I loved that car.”

Hoseok threads his hand through Seokjin's hair. “I know, hyung.”  

“I miss driving.”

“You’ll feel safe to drive again one day, hyung.”

“I used to give Guk rides all the time. Before he got his car.” He turns to Hoseok. “You know what my first thought was when the accident happened? Like once my ears stop- stopped ringing?”

Hoseok shakes his head.

“Thank god Gukkie isn’t in the car with me.’ Since it was the passenger side that got,” he slams his hands together, “you know.”

“Hyung, we’re lucky that you didn’t get hurt. That it was only the car.”

Seokjin groans. “I miss Gukkie too.”

“Hyung, Guk didn’t go anywhere. Do you want us to call him tomorrow?”

“No!” Seokjin shakes his head in panic. “No, don’t do that.”

Hoseok narrows his eyes. “Ok, ok, I won’t. Let’s just focus on getting home, ok? No more accident talk.”

“Yeah,” he exhales, “you’re right. It’s fucking morbid.”

When they arrive at Seokjin’s apartment, he walks Hoseok to the guest bedroom before heading to his in-suite shower.

The hot water feels good on his body, and he feels significantly more sober by the end of his shower than how he had felt when leaving Namjoon and Jimin’s.

Freshly showered and in comforting pajamas, he walks into the living room and sees Hoseok sitting on his couch, already changed into some clothes that he must have borrowed from the guest room and typing away on his phone.

“I told Jimin and Joon that we made it back safely.”

“Hmm?” Seokjin hums as he plops down on the couch next to Hoseok, “oh, good.”

Hoseok giggles as he sets his phone down. “It’s so fun to not be the messy drunk for a change,” he says with his eyebrow raised at Seokjin.

Seokjin laughs too, but even he hears how it comes out forced.

Messy. A million thoughts fly around in his head until there’s nothing but a consistent buzz. It’s either an effect of the alcohol in his system or his body slowly being worn down by everything.

“Hyung?”

“Hmm?”

The inhale that Hoseok takes is a heavy one, and one that Seokjin knows all too well. It’s the inhale he took when Yoongi said he wanted to drop out, the inhale he took when Jimin broke up with Namjoon for two days, the inhale he takes when he wants to discuss someone’s bad decisions.

Oh, this isn’t good.

“Are you ok?”

Seokjin turns and looks at Hoseok, at his worried face.

“I know something is wrong,” he starts. “You’ve always done a scarily good job of compartmentalizing things when you’re upset. But you’ve been … off these past few weeks, hyung. And I know I’m not imagining it. Jwaan,” he says to give his inquiry a light touch, “you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. But if you do, I’ll listen.”

Seokjin doesn’t speak for a while. Neither does Hoseok. They stay like this for a few minutes, on the couch, slightly turned towards each other, Seokjin fiddling with the couch pillow.

“I’m,” he responds slowly, “dealing with it.”

Hoseok nods, understanding. “Ok, you don’t want to talk about it. That’s cool, too.”

He does want to, actually. But he’s not that self-absorbed to pull Hoseok into his mess, to make him carry a burden that’s not his, to make him choose between lying to Yoongi or telling him a truth that will hurt him, to make him deal with Seokjin's feelings for Jeongguk.

“I fucked up. But I’m working on it.” He leans his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, “Thank you for worrying, Hoba.”

“Of course. I’m always here for you by the way.” Hoseok pats his head soothingly. “Listen, even if you … fucked up, you know we all love you, right?”

“I do.”

“There’s nothing you could do that could make us not love you.”

And Hoseok says it with so much conviction, so much finality, that it’s almost as if he knew everything that was going on in Seokjin’s head, every terrible thing that he had done.

And even though he doesn’t know, because no one does, his words and their sincerity are still a salve to Seokjin’s entangled emotions.

“I just don’t want you to run away from us If something is bothering you.”

He’s being dumb, he knows. He’s acting like a heartbroken teenager instead of like the adult that he is, and it makes him feel incredibly gross about it too, thank you.

“I won’t.”

Hoseok pats his head. “I just hope you’re being kind to yourself, hyung. Even if you did something wrong, you can't punish yourself forever. It won't fix anything, but it'll definitely hurt you in ways you don't deserve.”

The buzzing in Seokjin’s head stops. It’s like something suddenly clicks.

He keeps waiting for time and distance to heal him, but what has he himself done to actually move on?

He’s not trying to forget Jeongguk – he’s pretending he doesn’t exist. He’s not atoning for what he did to Yoongi – he’s pushing him away.

Despite constantly reminding himself of the things he should do, of the things he knows he has to do, he has yet to acknowledge an ugly truth. That he doesn’t want to let go of Jeongguk. That he doesn’t like that Yoongi and Jeongguk are back together.

As horrible as those feelings are, it's how Seokjin feels. And the sooner he recognizes that, the sooner that he can take steps to address it.

He’s been going about this the wrong way – running away, indulging in self-martyrdom and self-flagellation - further distancing himself from two people he’s supposedly scared to lose.

But Jeongguk and Yoongi are already back together, and Jeongguk has decided to not disclose who he had been with. The only one not moving forward is Seokjin, and it’s by his own doing.

He holds on to his guilt because Yoongi can’t punish him for something he doesn’t know, so he does it himself.

It’s been three weeks since he and Jeongguk last slept together and even longer than that since Jeongguk told him he was going to try to work things out with Yoongi, and yet he still holds on to his broken heart because it’s the only thing that remains from their ‘relationship’.

But there’s no point in holding on to Jeongguk when Jeongguk does not want him.

It hurts, but it’s the truth.

Seokjin wasn’t lying when he told Jimin earlier that he wants to work on himself. His happiness should not be this dependent on another person. 

An eerie calm begins to claim him.

He won’t wake up healed tomorrow. Some days will still be harder than others. But maybe Seokjin can start visualizing it now. What lies past the fog.

He can’t tell Yoongi what he did – he won’t do something that will sabotage Yoongi’s relationship when they just got back together – but he can be a better friend. He can be there.

He’s still in love with Jeongguk, and maybe it hurts to be around him, but it hurts him even more to keep him at arm’s length.

We all love you, Hoseok had said.

Maybe he doesn’t deserve to forgive himself, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try. He has no other option.  

He snuggles into Hoseok’s side. “I’ll try, Hoba.” He means it. “Thank you.”

When his phone buzzes with a message two days later, he doesn’t panic. Doesn’t run.

He wants to heal. He wants his friends back in his life.

Jan. 11, 2021

MIN YOONGI

Hyung

I have Friday off

Can I cash in on that meal now?

[03:30 pm]

Yoongi-yah

For you, anything

[03:42 pm]

Chapter Text

SEVEN YEARS AGO

(4 AM, during Finals)

Seokjin could feel his fingers beginning to type sloppily, his tired brain slowly shutting down. Living in the library while forgoing sleep and decent food was starting to catch up to him, and he cursed at himself for not going home for at least a couple of hours of rest.

Or, at the very least, consume something that wasn’t a granola bar or hours old coffee.

Because now every other word that he typed seemed to have a mocking red squiggly line underneath, and he couldn’t bring himself to fix the mistakes as he wrote. He would just have to remember to review his paper before submitting it.

Three more hours. That’s all that stood between him and freedom, and then he could finally indulge in the sleep that he had foregone for the past four days.

He glanced away from his computer screen briefly only to see Hoseok completely passed out on top of his textbook and Namjoon nodding off every few seconds until his eyes finally closed, pen still in hand.

He tsk’d but returned to his term paper; he’d give them twenty minutes of napping, but no more than that.

As he looked through his lecture notes for a reference that would support his argument, he heard someone settle in the chair next to him, the person loudly and annoyingly scraping the chair across the floor. Seokjin had half a mind to growl at his neighbor, but he refused to be distracted by a deliberate attempt at his attention.  Only when a lifesaving iced coffee was placed in front of him did he finally turn his head to look at Yoongi.

“Oh my god, you’re amazing,” he mumbled as he reached for the drink, his voice slurred with exhaustion. His friend only shrugged in response, an easy smile on his face.

“Those of us who are fortunate to be done should look out for those who are not.” His hand landed on Seokjin’s shoulder, “Also, if you’re unable to pass and keep your scholarship, I won’t be able to make rent. So. I need you to do well.”

“Your concern is overwhelming,” Seokjin deadpanned before nodding his chin towards their sleeping friends. “I’ll kick Joon’s leg and you kick Hoba’s. They’ll be so mad if they found out they slept through their exam prep.”

Yoongi grinned, and the pair gave swift and hard kicks to their friends' shins, startling them both awake.

“Yah, Yoongi-yah brought us coffee. Drink and wake up, I can’t believe you two abandoned me to work on my own.”

Namjoon muttered out an incomprehensible response, probably a thank you, and obediently brought his coffee to his lips. Hoseok, on the other hand, only stared at Yoongi, confused.

“I thought you were spending your first free night with Siwoo-hyung?”

“Ah,” Yoongi gave a dry laugh, “well, not anymore. We broke up.”

The indifference in his voice made Seokjin’s brain register the words a few seconds late, but as soon as he processed what Yoongi had said he turned away from his work.

“What do you mean? Why? What happened?” Namjoon asked, rubbing his eyes to fully wake up.

“We just- Hoba, I’m fine,” But Hoseok had already rounded the table to give Yoongi a hug despite his protests. “I don’t think we were good for each other. I went over tonight and Siwoo said he wanted to clear up a misunderstanding from last week, but then we were fighting, and I just-” Yoongi paused, his voice growing quieter. “I realized we’re too different to make each other happy, because we aren’t happy. We weren’t.”

“So, you broke up with him?” Seokjin asked, but he knew the answer. He had seen this outcome coming long ago, the relationship between his best friend and his boyfriend under the increasing weight of school, graduation, and the impending ‘real world’.

Hoseok and Namjoon were aware of everything as well, but Seokjin was the one who was there at two in the morning when Yoongi would come back emotionally exhausted from another argument with Siwoo. Seokjin was the one answering the door when Siwoo would come around asking for Yoongi, apologetic and desperate.

He liked Siwoo, he was a good guy who always meant well. And Yoongi was a good guy too. They just weren’t good for each other.

“He wasn’t going to do it, so I had to,” the younger answered.

Seokjin hummed, gently tapping Yoongi’s elbow with his own. Each friendship within their group had their own language for comforting, and while Yoongi could welcome a hug from Hoseok, his and Seokjin’s physical communication was more understated.

“How do you feel about it?”

Yoongi shrugged, or at least tried to with Hoseok’s arms still wrapped around his shoulders. “I’ll be fine. It was necessary. Look, don’t worry. You guys have finals and papers, this really isn’t that big of a deal. Focus on your shit, I’ll be okay.”

“Yah, you’re more important than a paper, Yoongi,” Seokjin lightly scolded.

“But not more important than our rent,” he laughed. “I sort of feel like a weight has been lifted off of my back. We weren’t right for each other. Really.”

Seokjin bit his cheek. If Yoongi was in a joking mood, then maybe he was fine. But the fact that he sought them out at four in the morning when he could have easily stayed home told Seokjin that Yoongi probably wasn’t as ok as he was trying to appear.

Thankfully, Namjoon could see through it as well.

“Hyung,” Namjoon said, his tone soft and patient. “I was about to leave anyways. My exam isn’t until the end of the week and I’m not getting any work done like this. Do you want to hang out with me back at my apartment? That way these guys can study and I don’t have to walk by myself.”

Relief washed over Seokjin. In all honesty, Namjoon was probably the best at getting Yoongi to talk when he was like this and he knew that Yoongi was smart enough to take a hand when it was reached out to him.

Yoongi remained silent for a few seconds, thinking.

“If Hoba is willing to let me go, then, yeah. Sure.”

Hoseok whined slightly but eventually released him, ruffling Yoongi’s hair despite the man’s complaints. “I’m fine, Hoba,” he repeated, but it sounded more genuine this time.

“Hoba and I will head to Joon’s as soon as we’re done, ok?” Seokjin said, offering the most that he could at the moment. “And then, I don’t know, we can drink vodka and decry love and school until we pass out.”

Hoseok nodded his head furiously. “I’m probably going to fail my developmental psych exam anyways, so we can cry together.”

“I’m not going to c-,” Yoongi chuckled, “You know what? Fine. That sounds good.”

Seokjin watched as his roommate stood, the movements in his body tired and slow. Even if he could see the end of the relationship coming, Seokjin’s heart still broke for Yoongi.

“Good luck on your paper, hyung.”

Seokjin smiled softly. “Thanks, Yoongi. I’ll see you soon, ok?”

As Yoongi and Namjoon made their way out, Hoseok closed his textbook and sighed.

“I can’t believe they broke up as soon as they were done with finals.”

“Sometimes it’s better to get it over with quickly instead of dragging it out.” Seokjin rested his chin on his hands, closing his eyes for a small break. “Once Yoongi comes to a decision, it’s done.”

“Yeah, but you can tell he’s not entirely happy with it.”

“Well, they did genuinely like each other, so it’ll probably take some time.”

“Do you think they have a chance at getting back together?”

“No,” Seokjin answered honestly. “I think once it’s over, it’s over. Like, there’s a reason why it happened, right? If it didn’t work the first time, why would it work the second time?”

“Yeah, but does hyung think that way?”

“I’m not sure,” Seokjin ruminated, tapping his fingers on his face. “But I’ll say that I’ve never seen him go after someone again after breaking up. And I don’t think Siwoo will be the one to change that.” He took a sip of his coffee, contemplating Hoseok’s questions. “Would you do it? Go back to someone you broke up with?”

The younger’s expression turned pensive. “I don’t know. I’ve had like one real boyfriend and definitely wouldn’t beg for another chance. But. People grow up. Or sometimes the circumstances change. I think if you still care about each other, there’s always hope.”

“Ah, Hoba. You’re a romantic.”

“I’m just saying – Like, let’s think about it psychologically. Ah, don’t give me that look. Listen, your brain continues to develop until you’re around 25. Your prefrontal cortex is still maturing during that time, and that’s what helps you inhibit impulses – say, like suddenly breaking up – and organize your behavior. You’re also more prone to risk-taking between 18 and 25, especially for male brains- What?”

Despite throwing him a skeptical look, Seokjin shook his head with a small laugh. “I think you’re going to pass your psych exam. But go ahead, continue.”

Hoseok grinned. “Look, everyone’s development is different, but I just wouldn’t trust any long-term decision making at our age. This is when we’re acting on impulse a lot of the time. Which is terrible considering right now is when we’re supposed to be deciding our careers or whatnot. So yes, I’m a romantic, but it’s also not impossible that the person that you are at 20 or 23 is going to be the exact same person two months or two years later. Which means,” Hoseok emphasized, “that yes, there’s always a chance. I think that was my point but I got a little lost along the way.”   

Seokjin centered his gaze back on his computer screen, at the red squiggly lines underlining all of his mistakes. His mind circled to his girlfriend and how she was applying to jobs outside of Korea. If he would be able to maintain hope for something if he and Yena took different paths after graduation. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t considered following her to wherever she decided to go.

“Fine. Maybe you’re not wrong. But I will have long-term regrets if I don’t finish this paper and I’m pretty risk-averse in losing my scholarship, so. Come on, let’s focus. The faster that we’re done with this, the faster that we can check on Yoongi.”

SIX MONTHS AGO

(A Saturday in mid-July)

It must have happened gradually, Seokjin thought, so slowly that he hadn’t even been able to notice. It was, perhaps, similar to rain falling over a river, little droplets slowly making the water rise until one determining drop pushes it to overflow.

And that’s how it felt now, he thought. Overflowing.

He could not pinpoint how or when. It was neither a hurricane nor an earthquake. No sudden revelation from one day to the next. How do you tell one drop of water apart from thousands just like it?

Jeongguk had simply entered his life one day and stayed.

And not to sound like a depressed 18^th century poet, but Seokjin, unfortunately, had begun to find himself mesmerized by the smallest details of Jeongguk’s being.

Perhaps it was the way Jeongguk smiled. The way his eyes would become crescents and his mouth would open wide, his nose scrunching up with joy.

Perhaps it was the way that Jeongguk laughed. The way he would throw his head back and giggle freely, his voice becoming increasingly high-pitched.

Perhaps it was the way that Jeongguk simply understood Seokjin. In the way Jeongguk listened. That was not to say that his friends didn’t, that his own boyfriend didn’t, but sometimes it felt like Jeongguk knew Seokjin better than he knew himself. 

[And that was dangerous, wasn’t it?]

Maybe it started with their car rides. Seokjin, wanting to be a good hyung and friend to his friend’s boyfriend, would sometimes give Jeongguk a ride to work, or, if they were both working late, pick him up on his way home. It was only a coincidence by the universe that they lived so close to one another and that Jeongguk’s workplace was on the way to Seokjin’s.

Stops for ice cream [or a bar if it had been that kind of day] after work were typical. There had even been a day when Seokjin and Jeongguk had blown off work to go to the movies, as if they were teenagers playing hooky from school.

Eventually, Jeongguk saved up enough money to buy his own car, and while the rides stopped, spending time together didn’t.

They would meet up at a park near their apartments to go on runs together. When Jeongguk bought his first gaming computer, Seokjin was the one who went over to help him set it up. Sometimes, on nights Yoongi would be busy working [which was more nights than not] Jeongguk would come over for dinner.

“Hyung, feed me.” Jeongguk would pout, his chin over Seokjin’s shoulder. “I’m a poor university graduate with barely a won to my name. Don’t let your favorite dongsaeng starve.”

Seokjin would laugh and [gently] elbow him in the stomach, “So? Am I made of money? Are you supposed to be my responsibility? Yah, all you do is take.”

After dinner, they would usually play video games and chat. If their talks ever veered into more serious topics, they wouldn’t pause the game or shy away from the conversation - they were comfortable enough with each other to share private thoughts.

And when Seokjin got in an accident, Jeongguk was adamant in driving Seokjin around everywhere and anywhere – work, home, out. If Seokjin was silent during their rides, still uncomfortable with being in a car again, Jeongguk would quietly put on a playlist and sing softly, the gentle sounds encouraging Seokjin to faintly sing along as well. When Seokjin started to greet Jeongguk with his more buoyant energy, Jeongguk would instinctively match him with lighthearted teasing.

It was familiar. It was friendship. It was the most comfortable Seokjin had ever felt with another person.

[Perhaps that’s when he should have begun to question it.]

Sometimes they would fight.

Not horribly nor dramatically, but Jeongguk seemed to just know how to push Seokjin’s buttons, and Seokjin had very quickly identified Jeongguk’s weak points as well, neither afraid to push back during an argument. But the arguments never lasted, both immediately offering apologies in the form of late-night strolls to street food stands.

Yes, perhaps it was the way that Jeongguk simply understood Seokjin. Perhaps it was the way that Seokjin felt that he understood Jeongguk as well.

All in all, Seokjin told himself that this wasn’t necessarily damning. Friends are close to each other, and some end up forming deeper bonds than others. So what if Yoongi’s new boyfriend had become one of Seokjin’s closest friends? He never felt troubled over his friendship with Jimin, who had come into their group the same way.

So, Seokjin carelessly assumed that he had found another good friend, and he even applauded himself for taking to Yoongi’s boyfriend so quickly. In all honesty, he felt nothing but fondness for Jeongguk in the first year that he knew him, had simply thought of him as Yoongi’s cheeky but sweet boyfriend, someone who he could get along with well because of their different but complimentary personalities.

He even felt protective over Jeongguk the first few months.

Yoongi was someone who sometimes struggled to open up to people past a certain point, and he didn’t want to see Jeongguk get hurt. So, he made sure to let Jeongguk know that if Yoongi was every busy or having an off night, he could always hang out with Seokjin. That way Yoongi could have his space when necessary and Jeongguk wouldn’t have to be alone.

To Yoongi’s credit, he did seem to be making a greater effort with Jeongguk, doting on the younger far more than any other guy he had dated. And Jeongguk, to Seokjin’s great relief, was much more understanding than Yoongi’s previous boyfriends had been.

Most importantly, and to Seokjin’s biggest surprise, Yoongi would talk about the future with Jeongguk in mind.

Which was good. Seokjin wanted them to be happy. Yoongi, because he was his oldest and closest friend. And Jeongguk, well, because-

Because there was something about Jeongguk that tugged at Seokjin’s heart. Maybe it was because of the fact that he was a recent university graduate living in an incredibly shitty apartment or because he lived nearby or because he seemed to genuinely laugh at his jokes, but he felt compelled to befriend Jeongguk for reasons beyond the kid being Yoongi’s new boyfriend.

The first time Seokjin and Jeongguk spent time together on their own was a couple of weeks after Yoongi had introduced the younger to their friend group. Seokjin had been planning to visit a grocery store that sold imported groceries and had remembered a comment Jeongguk had made about wanting to go, but not wanting to deal with carrying groceries back on the subway or paying a cab for rides there and back. So, he called the younger, asking if he wanted to join. 'We can go in my car', he offered. 'You don't have to do anything besides humor my jokes.' Jeongguk laughed and answered yes within a second.

Despite having only met once before, the two comfortably traded quips and playful taunts as they walked down the aisles together, the conversation flowing naturally. The trip had probably been the most fun Seokjin had ever had grocery shopping. Not necessarily a high bar to clear, but notable nonetheless.

A few days later, Jeongguk invited Seokjin over for dinner, having cooked with the ingredients he had purchased on their trip.

“Hyung, you have to be honest and tell me if it’s good or not. I’ve never cooked for someone else before.”

Eventually, to both tease and boost Jeongguk’s ego, Seokjin would loudly proclaim that out of all of Yoongi’s boyfriends, he could definitively rank Jeongguk the best.

Eventually, to the groans and complaints of the rest of their friend group, he began to tease that out of all of his dongsaengs, he liked Jeongguk the most.

But then.

Eventually.

Eventually, he noticed that whenever he said anything, whenever he joked, whenever he had food to offer, whenever he arrived to any group hangout, his eyes searched for Jeongguk first. Not to Taehyung, his boyfriend. Not to Hoseok, his drinking partner. Not to Yoongi, his oldest friend.

To Jeongguk.

He noticed Jeongguk’s tiny mole under his lips. He noticed that Jeongguk loved any movie or drama with Kim Taeri. He noticed the musculature in Jeongguk’s body. He noticed that Jeongguk talked a lot about stars and fate.

He noticed so many things.

By the time Seokjin realized what this meant, it was too late.

For a couple of weeks, he denied it to himself. It was beyond his comprehension that he would develop feelings for his youngest dongsaeng, for the boyfriend of one of his best friends.

And it was to his growing horror that he would feel excitement whenever Jeongguk called or messaged him, warmth whenever Jeongguk touched him, sparks whenever it was just the two of them.

He told himself that it was friendship, that Jeongguk was special to him because they spent so much time together and got along well. He told himself that the joy that he felt whenever he saw Jeongguk was because the youngest responded to his theatrics in a way the others usually wouldn’t, nothing more.

But eventually, the time came when he couldn’t deny it any longer.

The walls of denial crumbled one night in July, when Jeongguk picked Seokjin up after a particularly long day at work. He had successfully completed two deadlines, and had even received decent enough feedback from his direct supervisor, but the stress of getting the projects done after multiple sleepless nights finally caught up to his body. He had entered Jeongguk’s car with little energy, barely mumbling out a ‘hi’ with a tired smile as he buckled himself in. Seeing his exhaustion, Jeongguk quickly accommodated, putting on a lo-fi playlist and keeping the conversation to a minimum.

When they arrived to Seokjin’s building, Jeongguk exited the car with him wordlessly, typing away on his phone as they rode the elevator up to Seokjin’s apartment.

“Go shower,” Jeongguk lightly ordered as he grabbed hold of Seokjin’s shoulders and directed him towards his room. “I already ordered dakgalbi, it should be here within twenty minutes.” Seokjin halfheartedly complained that Jeongguk better be paying for it with his own card, hoping that the attempt at a joke would calm the warmth that wanted to bloom in his chest. 

They ate while watching a drama that Jeongguk had queued on Seokjin’s tv, mostly quiet until Jeongguk interrupted their silence.

“If you’re this dead when you do well at work, I’d hate to see you when you do poorly,” he said with a soft punch to Seokjin’s shoulder. Seokjin dutifully pretended to be fatally injured by it.

“Believe it or not, I’m pretty much the same. It’s the exhaustion more than anything,” Seokjin said, unable to admit that his silence was partially due to the fact that Jeongguk’s mere presence had left his mind jumbled, that this wasn’t the first time he couldn’t figure out why he wanted to be as close to and as far away from Jeongguk as possible. So he changed the topic instead, his eyes settling on the fresh tattoos on Jeongguk’s forearm. “I like these, do they hurt?”

“No, they itch more than anything. But they’re worth it.”

“Yah, you’re so badass, Jeongguk-ah.”

Jeongguk laughed. “Shut up. You should get one with me next time.”

“Only if you promise to get the same one as me.”

“Sure, what do you want?” he replied with excitement, which Seokjin should have expected but didn’t.

“A fish,” he said. Bullshitting, really.  He didn’t even have a reason for his answer. “A blue fish with shimmering scales, curved around like it’s swimming.”

He drew the fish in the air with his finger, but became flustered when Jeongguk raised his finger against his own tracing the invisible drawing Seokjin had made.

“Ok,” damn it, why was Jeongguk so agreeable to everything right now. “But why a fish?”

Seokjin shrugged. He didn’t know. He was simply saying whatever random thought crossed his mind, anything to keep him from overthinking this moment. “Why not?”

A pause lingered in the air before Jeongguk spoke again, his voice low and sincere. “You’re really cool, hyung.”

Seokjin turned his head to gasp at Jeongguk, ready to come back with an “I’m always cool”, but was knocked back by the gentle smile on Jeongguk’s face.

It wasn’t the most attractive that Seokjin had ever seen him – there was a bit of sauce on the corner of his mouth, he was still in his rumpled work clothes, and the light of the tv screen bathed his face in blue and the dark circles under his eyes a darker purple. But in Seokjin’s eyes, he was just right, and the overflowing urge to kiss him consumed his heart.

[Oh, this was so incredibly bad.]

It was more than a little alarming.

He tossed and turned in bed for a week, trying to figure out how this had happened. This wasn’t the first time he had developed feelings for someone unavailable, and he was more than aware that one can’t always control their feelings, but god was this possibly the worst person for his attention to latch onto.

Jeongguk saw him as a friend, and yet here he was, imagining what Jeongguk’s lips felt like. Most importantly, he was Yoongi’s boyfriend, and yet his heart traitorously disregarded their friendship every time it skipped a beat for Jeongguk.  Of course, he knew that he would never act on it. Nor would there ever be an opportunity – the couple had been together for over a year and a half and he had no reason to doubt their love.

What made him feel even worse was the fact that his burgeoning feelings were not only an insult to his friendship with Yoongi, they were a fatal blow to his relationship with Taehyung.

They hadn’t been together for that long – about six months, give or take – but he knew that developing feelings for someone else was wholly unfair to Taehyung.

Still, at least the answer was clearer there. Whereas Seokjin didn’t know how the fuck he was going to look Yoongi and Jeongguk in the eye now, he knew that the only solution with Taehyung was to end it.

Irrespective of whether or not anything could ever happen with Jeongguk – which Seokjin knew he should never actually want – it wouldn’t be right to hold on to Taehyung when he wanted someone else.

They had been casual, yes, but that didn’t mean Seokjin hadn’t formed an attachment to Taehyung to some degree.

Their relationship started from their friendship. Ever since Taehyung first joined their friend circle, he had teased and flirted with Seokjin, the two often fighting over who was Yoongi’s real oldest friend. Taehyung would claim the title by arguing that he had met Yoongi in middle school, but Seokjin would counter that their friendship had lasted only a year before Taehyung moved away, and that they hadn’t had contact again until Taehyung moved to Seoul. Seokjin on the other hand, had been with Yoongi every day since their first year in university.  

And then sometime last year, Taehyung grew bolder with his flirting. He would sometimes jokingly throw himself in front of Jeongguk whenever Seokjin called the youngest his favorite, or grab Seokjin whenever their group went out dancing and hold him close, arms wrapped around his waist and giggling in his ear.

Still, Seokjin hadn’t thought much of it, because, well, Taehyung flirted with everybody.

But then one February day a sweet and uncharacteristically shy Taehyung asked him out for dinner - “as in a date, hyung” he had explicitly stated – and Seokjin couldn’t find a reason to say no. After all, Taehyung was fun to be around and attractive. He was one of the kindest people that Seokjin knew. And it helped that they were already friends, so they already had some compatibility.

Why not give it a shot?

The relationship was as relaxed and low-maintenance as a relationship could be, mostly due to Seokjin’s own insistence. The day that Taehyung confessed, Seokjin had been clear that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, that he didn’t think he could give that to anyone at the moment. Taehyung had accepted it – “Relax, hyung,” he had laughed, “I’m not asking you to marry me.”

Their dates really mostly consisted of their group hangouts and the occasional sleepover but nothing really beyond that.

Easy. Chill.

But it was one thing to keep a relationship going and wondering if it would eventually change into something stronger; it was another to keep it going when you had feelings, real feelings for someone else.

And Seokjin couldn’t do that to Taehyung. He couldn’t use him as a distraction to keep him from daydreaming about Jeongguk. Seokjin had no idea how to start making his feelings for Jeongguk go away, but the one thing he knew he could do was give Taehyung an opportunity to start over with someone else.

He liked Taehyung, yes.

But his feelings for Taehyung weren’t strong enough to fight for something more, and he respected him too much to stay with him when there wasn’t anything there.

So, now, here he was, on a park bench facing the Han, breaking up with his boyfriend.

“What?” Taehyung said, almost inaudibly, his eyes widened with shock.

“Tae,” he tried to grab the younger’s hand but Taehyung immediately pulled it out of his reach. “I’m sorry. I am. It has nothing to do with you, you’re a great person. It’s just- I’m a little all over the place right now. Mentally and emotionally. And I don’t think this is a good time for me to be in a relationship.”

“If it has nothing to do with me, then can’t I help you?” he asked softly. “Hyung, I like you; I want to be there for you, to be with you.” He moved closer to Seokjin on the bench, unwilling to give up so quickly. “You don’t have to shut me out.”

Seokjin caught how his voice slightly cracked at the end, and it felt like something cracked in him as well. Even if the outcome was unavoidable, he had never wanted to hurt Taehyung.

But what could Seokjin say?

Seokjin had considered telling Taehyung the truth – I like someone else – but he was afraid of what that confession would lead to. Taehyung would ask who, and while Seokjin wouldn’t give a name, his body would eventually betray him. He knows how he blushes red when he’s flustered, and how he starts blinking and stuttering – he had already caught himself acting this way with Jeongguk, and if Taehyung ever witnessed it, knowing that Seokjin had feelings for someone that he refused to name, he would be able to put two and two together.

So, he gave other words instead. “Tae, this is something I need to handle on my own. I’m sorry.”

“We’ve been together for six months, hyung. And you’re just going to end it? Just like that, I don’t get a say? You didn’t even let me know anything was wrong,” he argued. There was an undertone of anger in his voice, but the hurt palpable in every word was worse.

“I didn’t mean to blindside you,” he responded, as gently as possible without coming off as coddling. “I do care about you. A lot. But I can’t give you more than that, and you deserve someone who can.”

Taehyung chuckled, throat thick and wet, wiping away tears that had begun to spill down his cheeks.  “You don’t need to say things like that, like you’re doing this for me.”

“I..” and Seokjin felt himself stuck. It’s not that he expected the breakup to go easily, and he knew that Taehyung was far more emotionally open than he was, but he was still taken aback by his reaction. It made Seokjin feel terrible, like he had wasted Taehyung’s time, because while he did enjoy their time together, it was obvious that the want was not equal. That how he perceived their relationship was not how Taehyung had perceived it.

He felt Taehyung’s eyes on his face, searching for answers that Seokjin hoped he wouldn’t find.

“You really don’t want this – us – anymore?”

“I’m really sorry, Tae,” Silence stretched, and he didn’t want to say it, but Seokjin owed Taehyung as much closure as he could give, “but I'm sure about this.”

“Fuck.” And the dam broke loose, Taehyung’s composure collapsing to where he could only cry, openly and freely. Seokjin moved to rub his back, unsure if anything more would make everything worse. “But I really like you hyung. I thought we could be more.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, meaning it more and more each time.

Taehyung shook his head, unable to look at Seokjin.

“I know you are. This is just- I wasn’t expecting any of this.” He muffled a dry laugh into his palms. “I thought we were going to hang out, not break up.”

It was a sunny day. Bright. Warm.

But now the sunlight felt glaring and the humid heat felt suffocating. It was hot. Too hot. Fuck, he should have done this inside. Somewhere with an air conditioner. He should have at least done that much for Taehyung. Why on earth did he think that the view of the river would be a source of comfort for the younger, when all the water could do was reflect the sun’s light to an almost blinding degree?

And Seokjin had not originally wanted to do this in a public place, but he couldn’t do it at Taehyung’s apartment with his other two roommates always hanging around and he didn’t want to make Taehyung travel all the way to Seokjin’s apartment for a breakup. But there’s never a good place or time to end a relationship.

All Seokjin could do was try to comfort Taehyung though it.

“You do matter to me. If you’re up for it, I’d still like for us to be friends, Tae.”

Taehyung wiped his face before he looked at Seokjin, his eyes red and swollen. “I don’t know if I can think about that yet. I don’t hate you or anything,” he mumbled, “but it kind of hurts to look at you right now.”

The vulnerability in Taehyung’s voice, the way he protectively curled into his body, pained Seokjin. But he couldn’t look away, he had to acknowledge what his ex was going through, be there for him in at least this. Seokjin thought that he had been clear on what he could give, but his thoughts raced as he tried to remember if he had led Taehyung on in some way.

Their last date had been a couple of weeks ago, a pretty standard night of dinner and a movie. Seokjin can’t be sure, but he thinks they talked about Taehyung’s favorite show growing up. Or maybe that conversation had occurred during their last group get-together?

Maybe that was part of the problem.

Well, besides the fact that Seokjin liked somebody else.

Seokjin couldn’t differentiate between Taehyung, the friend, and Taehyung, the boyfriend. And he was fairly certain that wasn’t going to change.

They parted shortly after, Seokjin ordering a cab for Taehyung while he decided to stay at the park.

“Are you sure you don’t want to think it over?” Taehyung asked quietly before he got in the car, unable or unwilling to look at Seokjin as he spoke. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?”

“This isn't about what you did or didn't do. This is all on me. I'm sorry.” The words felt so frustratingly hollow.  

The news spread fairly quickly, even though Seokjin hadn’t told anyone himself. Taehyung must have called Jimin first, which was basically the same as telling Namjoon. Namjoon then, of course, reached out to Seokjin immediately. Seokjin assured him that he was fine, that the couple should focus on Taehyung instead.

From there, he assumed that Namjoon was the one who told Hoseok and Yoongi. Hoseok called him about thirty minutes after Namjoon had, and he repeated what he had told their friend. Don’t worry about me. Call Taehyung and be there for him, I’m ok. Honestly. Yoongi sent him a text message, which was probably the best response out of everybody’s because the last thing Seokjin wanted was five different phone calls where he would have to explain that, outside of his guilt for breaking up, he was actually pretty ok.

And it was Jeongguk – it was always Jeongguk – who showed up to Seokjin’s apartment that night, a GS25 plastic bag in his hand, uninvited but welcomed nonetheless.

“You didn’t have to come over, I’m fine,” Seokjin said when he opened the door, but undeniable thrill vibrated throughout his body without permission.

He hated it.

He indulged in it.

Jeongguk shrugged, making himself at home on Seokjin’s sofa and shaking the bag out over the coffee table. There was a mix of Seokjin and Jeongguk’s favorite candies and two bottles of citron tea.

“I know it’s summer, but somehow I got a cold, which means I can’t drink alcohol, and I don’t think it’s fair if you drink when I can’t,” he said, his smile teasing but his voice sympathetic. “So, I did the best I could within those parameters.”

“Yah, what a good friend you are,” he muttered, taking the bag of jellies as he sat down next to Jeongguk, the younger flashing him a pleased grin in return. 

There was a small voice in his brain telling him that this is the last thing that he should be doing – hanging out with the guy he had feelings for, feelings that had made him break up with his boyfriend, especially given who Jeongguk was in Seokjin’s life – but he was too exhausted to listen. He had spent the past few days emotionally pummeled by guilt and confusion, and if anyone could help him forget about everything for at least a few hours, it was the person right next to him.

“You do seem ok,” Jeongguk calmly observed, opening the bottles of tea for the both of them. “That’s good. I was worried that you were trying to hide away from everyone and there was no way I was about to let you do that.”

He handed the bottle of tea to Seokjin, the gesture and words stoking the flames of the very fire he needed to put out.

“You being here makes me feel a lot better,” he allowed himself to admit. “But no, I’m not running away to cry by my lonesome self.”

“Ok, but I know for a fact that you’ve told everyone to check on Taehyungie-hyung and not on you, so excuse me for being concerned.”

Seokjin sighed. “Because I don’t need it. I’m not trying to be a martyr here, I just- I feel bad for hurting him, but I don’t feel bad for ending it. That makes me sound like an asshole, doesn’t it?”

“The fact that you’re pretty much ok means that you made the right decision,” Jeongguk said as he reached over to pat his knee. “At least, that’s what I think. And I bet you broke up with him as gently and as gentlemanly as possible. I get why Tae-hyung is upset, but he’ll get over it.”

Seokjin took a drink from his tea, trying to his best to ignore how Jeongguk’s hand remained on his knee.   

“You’re not the bad guy here, hyung. No one is. Sometimes things don’t work out. You can’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there.”

But god, did Seokjin hope that he’d be able to get rid of feelings. Anything to get his heart to stop fluttering over the guy sitting next to him.

Jeongguk is only a guy, he reminded himself, one person in a world of billions. Liking the wrong person could be dealt with easily just by establishing some distance and focusing his attention literally anywhere else.

He shook his head. “I just hope it doesn’t make things awkward. I don’t want Tae to feel like he can’t hang out with us, or for Jimin, for example, to feel like he has to divide his time.”

Jeongguk moved his hand to the back of Seokjin’s neck, massaging out the tense muscles, and the Seokjin had to restrain himself from slapping it away. ‘Don’t you see the effect you have on me?’ He wanted to plead. ‘You have to stop, otherwise I’ll want more and you don’t owe me that.’

But he would feel terrible pushing the younger off over innocent gestures that were normal in their friendship. Seokjin’s feelings were not Jeongguk’s responsibility.

“I don’t think that’ll happen. We’re too close to split up over breakups. We’re all adults, right? And honestly, I don’t think anyone should even be surprised.”

Seokjin raised his eyebrow, confused by Jeongguk’s last comment.

“What do you mean?”

The younger laughed awkwardly as he rubbed out a knot in his neck.

“Is it too soon to say that I never thought Tae-hyung was the right fit for you?”

PRESENT

He’s arrived a few minutes late, but even still Seokjin takes a second to himself before going inside the restaurant.

This is just a dinner. You’re not doing anything wrong, not anymore.

Everything is back to normal.

When was the last time he had spent time alone with Yoongi?

Sure, there had been their group hangouts. And there was one night in October when the two had gone out to dinner with Namjoon and Hoseok, and another night in December when they had gone to a movie with Jimin.

But Seokjin knows that he’s done his best to avoid Yoongi ever since he first slept with Jeongguk, and that he had only been saved by the fact that Yoongi had spent all of November in New York and most of December trying to get back together with Jeongguk and figuring out his job to notice Seokjin’s hiding.

But this night is meant to put an end to that.

He’s not running away anymore. He’s an adult who can accept that he’s made mistakes and try to be a better person.

Still, he has no illusions that the night will be easy just because he’s adopted this new approach.

After all, Jeongguk is Yoongi’s boyfriend - it’s only natural that he’ll come up now and then. He knows that there will be words that will trigger memories and emotions. Salt on healing wounds. Tests, for lack of a better word.

He just needs to get past them.

The restaurant is busy; Seokjin had chosen a fairly expensive and well-reviewed one, wanting to celebrate Yoongi’s new job the way that his friend deserved.

Or maybe it was an attempt to pay off his guilt. Who's to say. 

The host walks him towards their table, and he sees from a distance that Yoongi is already seated, typing away on his phone.

“Is this seat taken?” he says as an introduction. The groaning laugh Yoongi lets out is one of amusement, content. It helps calm Seokjin’s nerves.

“Hi, hyung.”

“Hey, Yoongi.” He smiles and takes his seat. “How are you?”

“Uh, good,” his friend grins. “Really good.”

He looks it, too. The Yoongi in front of him is well-rested, with dewy skin and healthy, full hair recently dyed orange. He looks better than he has in months.

“How about you, hyung? I know we saw each other on New Year’s, but I feel like it’s been a while. At least for just the two of us.”

“Yeah, well,” Seokjin coughs. “Work and stuff. But I’ve been fine. Ok.”

“Don’t worry, I get it. I feel like I’ve lost track of the days with Outro, between onboarding and finishing up my outside projects for the meanwhile – it’s all become a whirlwind.”

“You’re happy though, right? With your decision?”

“I am. They have a lot of faith in my vision, more than me sometimes,” Yoongi leans back in his seat and laughs. “I was worried to put my independent work to the side for now, but they’ve been much more flexible than I expected. So yeah, I can say I’m pretty good.”

Yoongi can be a person who’s hard to read sometimes, but it’s fairly easy to tell when he’s happy. Or, at least, Seokjin has always been able to tell. The light tone in which he’s speaking, his relaxed body posture, the way his face will subconsciously drift into a smile – Seokjin knows Yoongi is telling the truth.

“Then the chaos is worth it,” he responds. “I’m really proud of you, Yoongi. I’ve always thought you were a genius. I’m going to be so embarrassing when you start winning producer of the year awards. I’ll be telling everyone that I knew you back when you were a scrawny 18-year-old, and that I was the one who encouraged your dreams.” Seokjin ends with a dramatic flourish, grateful that his old self is able to come back with such ease.

“Yah, encouraged my dreams. You yelled at me every time you caught me awake at five in the morning.”

“Because someone had to look out for your wellbeing, Yoongi. I hope you’ve at least learned some healthy lifestyle behaviors now that we no longer live together.”

The back and forth is so easy, has always been so easy, even with their different personalities. Despite having only been seated for a few minutes, Seokjin already feels comfortable in Yoongi’s presence.

Yoongi nods. “Well, don’t worry. I tire out much more easily now, so I’m basically forced to get my eight hours of sleep. And Guk is pretty good at nagging me too, so.”

[The first test.]

Seokjin smiles. Breathes.

“Good. Someone needs to make sure you take care of yourself.”

“Yeah, he’s on it,” Yoongi responds, but it’s more contemplative this time. He clears his throat, the way he often does when he’s flustered but wants to maintain his cool. “I really missed him, which probably wasn’t great for the whole wellbeing thing.”

Seokjin’s smile remains on his face.

“Well, you’re back together now.” And then, because he’s a good friend now: “How is he?”

“Uh, he’s, um, ok. It’s only been two weeks, so still figuring things out and everything. It can’t be completely perfect immediately, right?”

Seokjin hears it. The slight edge in Yoongi’s tone that betrays his previous calm. If Seokjin were a better friend, he would ask him – as casually as possible - if everything was ok, and remind Yoongi that Seokjin was always someone he could talk to. But he can’t trust his motivations for prodding further, and, frankly, he doesn’t think he should know if there any problems in their relationship this early on.

“I’m sure you’ll work it out. You two deserve to be happy,” is all he can offer.

He means it. He does.

But he feels the shame and jealousy creeping back into his being and he doesn’t want to ruin his emotional state so early into their dinner. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked about Jeongguk in the first place, but isn’t that what friends do?

Regardless, he’s come across his limit, and his mind tries to come up with a different conversation topic. Just because he’s accepted that he has to face everything head on in order to move on, doesn’t mean that he can do it all in one night.

Thankfully, a waiter comes by at the right time to take their orders, and they’re able to fill the time waiting for their food with conversation about new recipes that they’ve tried cooking. It’s usually a topic that would bore their other friends to death, but it’s something that can entertain the two of them for hours. A comment about a restaurant in New York that Seokjin just had to try one day leads into Yoongi going into detail about his month-long stay in the city, how it had probably been the most productive month he ever had.

“So how was work gone for you?” Yoongi asks as he cuts into his steak.

“Good, I think,” Seokjin responds around his chewing. “I’m on a new campaign now, but it’s a lot more laidback this time around since we’re already past the holiday season.”

“I saw the commercials for the bedroom and office decor stuff you were working on,” Yoongi teases. “Almost convinced me to buy a new desk right then and there.”

“Yah, you should have!” Seokjin waves his fork at Yoongi. “I need to be able to prove that my ideas lead to an increase in sales! Where’s the support!?”

“Yeah, well I probably won’t need new furniture for a while,” Yoongi replies, but it comes out cagey and awkward, and Seokjin instantly understands why.

“Well, if you ever do, let me know.” He hates the part of him that hopes Jeongguk and Yoongi never ask him for it, that can’t stand imagining them ever finally moving in together. “They gave me an incredible discount,” he continues, stomping those selfish feelings down, “which means it’s your discount too.”

“Have you gotten anything with it?”

“Yeah, a mattress,” Seokjin responds offhandedly.

“Any good?”

He swallows the piece of steak in his mouth, but it feels almost impossible to do so. He reaches for his glass of water.  

[The second test.]

Originally, Jeongguk had come over to hang out. 

“Hyung,” Jeongguk groaned, fingers pressing deep into Seokjin’s waist as the older rolled his hips down, Jeongguk fully inside of him. He planted his hands on the younger’s sweaty chest, adjusting to the new position before slowly lifting up again. Jeongguk below him was a sight – wet black hair fanned out on Seokjin’s bed, brow furrowed and mouth slightly open, his chest heaving slightly as he let Seokjin take control. The sheets were wet, he remembers that, remembers clutching them at one point when he leaned over Jeongguk. The room is too hot, especially for November. Is it them? Maybe he left the heater on too high. His bed will be damp by the end of this.

Fuck, it’s brand new too.

They had agreed after the last time that they wouldn’t do it again, that the second time should have been enough to get whatever was in their system out. So, when Seokjin invited Jeongguk over to watch a movie - adamant that their friendship shouldn’t be affected by their mistakes - he genuinely only intended for them to watch the film.

And then, at some point during the first half of the movie, a kiss was shared.

“One more time is ok, right?” one of them had said.

Clothes were shed in haste after a third, devouring kiss. 

“Guk,” Seokjin panted, “feel you so deep inside of me.”

Had Seokjin always been such a fool?

Jeongguk exhaled a laugh, moving one hand down to palm at Seokjin’s ass.

“You can’t talk like that if you want me to last.”

“Really? A little sweet talk is what tips you over the edge?”

The younger glared and responded by thrusting his hips up, punching a moan out of his teasing hyung.

“What was that?”

A taunt. Even more annoying was that Jeongguk had the nerve to smirk. 

Seokjin scowled, but the move provoked him to move his hips faster, to chase after what felt good.

Afterwards, when it was over and they began to fall asleep in Seokjin’s bed - their legs intertwined, Jeongguk’s finger drawing fishes on Seokjin’s back - he couldn’t hold back his laugh when Jeongguk said, “I think we broke your new mattress in well, hyung.”

He has to force himself to loosen the grip on his glass, to get ahead of the memories and leave them in the past where they belong.

“It’s ok. I get my sleep,” he responds as normally as he can, unable to look at Yoongi.

He can’t change anything that’s already been done.

Even though it’s already over, he feels worse now than he did while he was with Jeongguk. Of course, his conscience bit at him during everything as well – it’s what would compel him to repeatedly try to end things – but the high of having Jeongguk look at him, kiss him, want him was too addicting and it overshadowed everything else.

It made him forget.

But now he was a month clean of Jeongguk, and he knew he had to leave those moments behind if he wanted to protect his friendships with Yoongi and the younger.  

“Resounding praise from Kim Seokjin,” Yoongi laughs, and Seokjin manages to chuckle too. “Is it at least better than your old one?”

Seokjin quietly sighed, frustrated as other memories were triggered.

A year ago - before Jeongguk, before Taehyung, before everything - Seokjin and Jeongguk watched a movie on Seokjin’s bed. The man had protested at first, saying he had a perfectly good television and couch in his living room and that he didn’t want to dirty his comforter with their clothes.

“But hyung, your couch is so uncomfortable and the tv in your room is so much nicer,” Jeongguk pleaded as he shoved Seokjin towards his room.

They compromised with Seokjin lending Jeongguk sweats that he could change into, the younger loudly complaining that his clothes were probably cleaner than Seokjin’s as he went into the bathroom to change.

“Do you keep the Mario plushies up all the time?” Jeongguk later asked, thirty minutes into the movie.

Seokjin rolled his eyes. “Don’t start Guk, or I’ll be forced to comment on the Iron Man figurines you have in your bedroom.”

“Iron Man is cool!”

“So is Mario!”

“Yeah, but like. Even if you bring hookups over?” He asked shamelessly, Seokjin coughing as he felt his ears and neck heating up.

"IF I’m having a one-night stand, I’m going over to their place so I can leave whenever I want, I’m not bringing them home,” he mumbled, annoyed when Jeongguk only laughed in response. “The only people who I bring to MY bed are people that I’m dating. And if I’m with someone it’s because I know they won’t judge me, including my Marios,” he said with a flick to Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“Well, people that you’re dating, and me,” Jeongguk retorted, hugging the pillow he was resting on tighter.

“Yes, and annoying 22-year-olds who clearly don’t understand boundaries.”

A slight pause is taken, but an eternity in a thought is sometimes no longer than half a second in the real world. Seokjin has to remind himself that these battles of memories are only in his mind, that he has his present to fix and live.

He can't get stuck in his head anymore. 

“As someone who should be encouraging higher sales for the products I’m paid to promote, yes,” he answers.

“Well, I’ll let you know then. I could probably buy Joon and Jimin a wedding present.”

“Nothing says enjoy your new marital bliss like buying them a new mattress,” Seokjin laughs.

He’s back. He’s good.

“As happy as I am for them, I would not go that far. I was thinking more along the lines of a cutting board with a good set of knives.”

“Aish, I didn’t design any ads for cutting boards, Yoongi!”

“Well, do one by June then!”

Seokjin stares at his friend with a deadpan expression until the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile. “You’re crazy if you think Namjoon and Jimin are people that you should give an expensive knife set and cutting board to. You can easily get them something a little more … appropriate for their lifestyles.”

“Yah, so mean.”

“I’m being practical, Yoongi.” He nods, “but fine, if that’s what you’re thinking about, then make sure to gift them a cookbook as well so that they at least have recipes they can follow.”

His friend hums, taking it into consideration, and nods. “That actually sounds good.”

“I’m known to have good ideas from time to time.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “Most of the idea was mine anyway.”

“Fine, fine,” Seokjin laughs in easy defeat.

The dinner is able to continue like this, casual and carefree, the rhythm between their conversation barely faltering for the rest of the night. With each passing minute and each quip traded between them, Seokjin could feel himself slowly let go of some of the weight he carried.

At one point, the conversation shifts to Hoseok and Yoongi’s approaching birthdays.

“Jiminie wants us to go out for Hoba’s birthday, to that nightclub he and Taehyung like to go to.”

“And what about Hobi wants?”

“Hoba just wants everyone to be happy, you know that. I don’t mind doing it for him, he likes dancing and he’s probably the only person who I’d be willing to go to a nightclub for.”

It was true – out of everyone, Hoseok was probably the most skilled in bringing out the more playful sides of Yoongi.

“What about you? Have you thought about what you want do for yours? 28 is … well, there’s not much to it, I guess. Just another year.”

Yoongi taps on his glass, thinking. “I don’t really care. We can just go out for dinner, like we did for your 28^th. It’s crazy, it feels like everything has passed by in a blur, but at the same time, the closer we get to 30, the less monumental some of the things that happened in our 20s seems.”

“Sometimes they are though,” Seokjin says quietly.

The thing is.

The thing is that even though Seokjin hates that he’s done something that could be so potentially damaging to Yoongi and their friendship, he’s certain of one thing.

He’s had relationships. He knows the difference between an attraction, a crush, like, and love. When he broke up with Taehyung, he felt bad for the younger’s hurt, but he also knew that Taehyung would be able to get past it because what they had wasn’t love.

And it means that he can accurately identify how he feels about Jeongguk.

He loves him. Simply. Wholeheartedly.

All of his life experience, all of the romances he thought were huge when he was younger only to realize they were mere blips allows him to know that this, what he feels for Jeongguk, it’s monumental.

But Jeongguk isn’t his, and he’s learning to let go and move on.

“I know I already asked, but you’re happy now, right?”

His friend nods, his eyes soft and bright. “Yeah, I am.”

Seokjin smiles, but looks down at his lap. “Then that’s all that matters.” 

As they leave the restaurant, he feels Yoongi tug on his shoulder. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.”

Seokjin stares, confused. “Since when do you have a car?”

“I don’t. I borrowed Guk’s.”

[The final test.]

At first, he thinks he should say no. On most metrics, the night has gone well. Seokjin was able to spend time with Yoongi in a way that was genuine and meaningful. There were times when he thought about Jeongguk, but he was able to stay in control of his emotions.

But the restaurant had been a neutral location, one free of past memories or associations, and even then, he was still sometimes gripped by reminders.

Being inside of Jeongguk’s car, however - and with Yoongi of all people - sounds like a recipe for disaster. The images and sensations that will flood back as soon as he sits in that passenger seat, breathes in the sage car freshener, looks out that freakishly spotless window are things that he very much does not want to experience right now.

But on the other hand, he has to learn how to engage with Jeongguk’s existence. He can’t want Jeongguk in his life while simultaneously avoiding anything related to him, it doesn’t work that way. He might as well rip off this Band-Aid now, and push past the memories that will inevitably come back. And while Yoongi might not be the ideal person to be in Jeongguk’s car with, he’s still an infinitely better option than being with Jeongguk.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he replies.

As he buckles himself in, he allows himself to look around the car. Nothing much has changed since the last time he had been inside – the same night that Jeongguk told him he was going to work things out with Yoongi, his brain cruelly reminds him – besides a few insignificant things. There’s an empty bottle of citron tea in one of the cupholders, and a pack of Jimin’s favorite gum in the slot underneath the radio, both of which must be recent since Jeongguk likes to keep his spaces tidy.

It’s incredible how the human brain works, how just being inside makes him feel like Jeongguk is right next to him, singing along to his song of the week, keeping one hand on the steering wheel while using the other to mess with Seokjin.

For a second, he humors the phantom sensations.

And then he lets them go.

It’s only a car.

The drive goes by relatively quickly, the two chatting comfortably about unimportant things, conversations that won’t be remembered but that somehow still nurture friendships.

It’s not until they pull up to Seokjin’s building that Jeongguk’s presence is felt once more.

“Guk says hi by the way. I know you’ve been busy, but I think he misses you.”

Seokjin nods, letting the words sink in, fighting the instinct of wanting to hide. “I’ll give him a call,” he says.

Maybe he will.

The warmth he feels at the mention of Jeongguk’s name hasn’t lessened any bit.

But the thought of it doesn’t hurt as much as it did weeks ago.

Jeongguk drives carefully in the rain, frustrated that he’s late in meeting Taehyung and Namjoon but also secure in the knowledge that the two are probably running late as well.

The rain cascades heavily, transforming his windshield into something resembling a watercolor painting despite his wipers best efforts to keep his field of vision clear.

So, he slows down even more, a voice in his head asking him to not risk an accident.

Despite the inconvenience that it causes, Jeongguk thinks that the storm makes for a pretty sight – dark grey clouds rolling across the sky, small rivers running over sidewalks, the curtains of silver rain falling over Seoul, the seas of umbrellas mostly black or blue, save for a few individuals with bright colors, committed to showing their personality in all instances.

Rain in February is a pretty miserable affair. It’s cold and the rain falls like it wants to beat you for daring to go outside while the dry air clings to you as if it’s trying to draw any protective heat you carry away from your body.

And yet, Jeongguk still ventured out, wanting to be anywhere but home.

He sighs and raises the volume on his music, a soothing jazz r&b fusion song complimenting the rain outside.

The past few weeks had been difficult.

On the surface, they would appear largely uneventful – he goes to work, goes home, works out, sometimes meets with Yoongi, sometimes he doesn’t, sometimes he plays games, sometimes he doesn’t, sometimes he meets up with someone else. Another friend. Namjoon and Jimin. Or Hoseok. Once with Taehyung.

[Never with Seokjin]

And sometimes he doesn’t.

Sometimes he’s just alone with his thoughts.

And then he goes to sleep.

[Sometimes he doesn’t sleep]

But underneath it all, he feels less and less like himself and he can’t figure out why when he’s working so hard to do everything right.

Work is going well enough. He’s engaging in hobbies. He spends time with his friends.

He’s being a good boyfriend.

They go on dates, they cook meals together, he sends good morning and good night texts on nights they don’t spend together. He’s satisfied that Yoongi is noticeably happier, that he can make Yoongi feel cared for.

But sometimes he just feels like he’s an actor playing a role, an outsider looking in, as if there’s a chasm between his mind and his actions.

Because there are nights when he comes back from Yoongi’s place and he can hardly remember what they had even done together, like he’s shut down parts of himself just to keep the play going. There are nights when his reactions to what Yoongi says and does feel so delayed that he wonders if he’s somehow broken.

He’s not sure what he’s doing wrong, and it feels like there’s no one that he can ask. Mingyu has been with the same girlfriend he’s had since their first year of university, and Yugyeom avoids commitment like the plague. None of Jeongguk’s university relationships had lasted longer than five months, so it’s not like he knows what to do. And the people he knows who do have experience in confusing relationships are people that he actually can’t talk to about it.

It’s not as if he could just go up to Jimin or Hoseok or Namjoon and seek advice.

At the very least, however, he can find comfort in two things.

One, Yoongi's happiness.

And two, Seokjin and Yoongi seem to be becoming closer again. Three weeks ago, Yoongi had gone out to dinner with Seokjin, and Jeongguk had spent the entire evening pacing restlessly up and down his apartment, worrying that he had ruined their friendship beyond repair.

But Yoongi had come back to his apartment, smiling and chatty, casually telling Jeongguk that Seokjin had said hi.

Jeongguk knew what his reaction was supposed to be and acted accordingly. He laughed and asked him what they ate and if Seokjin had shared any stories, burying the questions he truly wanted to ask – Did Seokjin seem okay? Did his face drop at the mention of Jeongguk? Did he eat well? Has he been sleeping?

He didn’t ask any of it, not even the things he normally would, overly cautious to not seem overeager for anything related to Seokjin. He simply smiled, ate the dessert that Yoongi had brought back for him with guilt settling in his gut along with the food, and went to bed next to his peacefully sleeping boyfriend.

Seokjin and Yoongi had hung out again since then, the two going with Namjoon to visit a book store a few days back for fun, or something like that.

However, he and Seokjin still haven’t really talked, and there’s nothing he can do except wait.

Seokjin, at times, feels like a ghost, haunting him. Jeongguk sees him when their friends plan things, but they don’t hang out or talk to each other on their own. There was an unspoken agreement to not behave as they did after the first time they had slept together, to at least keep up appearances that everything was fine. So, they’ll exchange words, react to what the other says when they’re in a group, but nothing beyond that.

‘He’s acting’, Jeongguk will think when Seokjin smiles or laughs at something Jeongguk said, because Jeongguk knows Seokjin and he knows when he’s being genuine and when he’s behind the walls that he’s put up to protect himself. ‘Let me in’, he wants to beg. ‘Don’t shut me out, please.’

But he knows he can’t ask. So, he doesn't push.

If Jeongguk had to be honest, he doesn’t even remember what they say to each other in those moments, the generic pleasantries fluttering away from his grasp before he can even hold on to them.

But at the same time, Seokjin seems to be more and more at peace every time he seems him.

Maybe he’s moving on.

That’s good.

[Maybe Jeongguk is the ghost]

Yoongi seems the most at ease he’s been in ages, which means he’s doing his job well.

That’s good too.

Everything is ok. Jeongguk will get there eventually.

[He should hope for that, right?]

Sometimes, when he’s alone, Jeongguk will read Seokjin’s note.

He’ll read it, over and over again, amazed that someone saw all of him – even the worst of him – and still loves [loved?] him. When he thinks back on that night, on how he had selfishly asked Seokjin for one more night when Jeongguk had already ended things, he can’t understand how Seokjin managed to write the words at all. 

Jeongguk knows that he shouldn’t, that it’s impeding him from letting go, but he fucking treasures that piece of paper. If it wasn’t for that note, he could probably be half-convinced that everything that happened between him and Seokjin had been a fever dream. Ask anyone to read their texts – a random set of ‘you home?’ and ‘drive safe’ – and they wouldn’t be able to assume anything. And it’s not like they took pictures of each other during their intimate moments. He wouldn’t even be able to ask Seokjin if any of it had really happened. There’s no evidence. Nothing. Only memories that he knows he’s supposed to forget.

But the note proves that it was real. It was real. It was real.

Everything with Seokjin happened so quickly. He blinked, and he fell. He blinked, and it was over.

It shouldn’t be this way. How can those few short months have such a hold on him? How could they alter so much within Jeongguk?

So he doubles down, works harder, spends more time with Yoongi, tries to put more feeling into his kisses, anything to ensure that everything that he put everyone through wasn’t pointless.

Is Jeongguk happy? It’s hard to answer. It’s not as if he feels nothing, it’s just-

[Stop it.]

He shouldn’t do this. 

This line of thinking won’t do anything good. He just needs to be a little more patient. 

He turns the corner and sees the museum, the grey brutalist building blending into the stormy sky.

When Yoongi asked Jeongguk for a break, he advised him to use the time to get a better idea of who he was and what he wanted. Jeongguk will quietly admit that he got a little distracted from that original goal, but he had discovered one harmless new thing about himself.

He apparently liked, and was good at, painting. It had started out as a simple curiosity when he realized that he liked his doing his own tattoo sketches, and from there he began watching a few YouTube videos to figure out the basics. When he managed to complete his first oil painting a couple of weeks ago, the result far better than he had expected for a first try, he sent a picture of it to Namjoon.

His friend, excited by Jeongguk’s skill and interest, then invited him to his and Taehyung’s museum outings.  

When he walks into the entry, he sees Taehyung already waiting, sitting at a green-cushioned bench and humming to himself as he absentmindedly stares at the ceiling.

“Hyung,” he waves as he approaches him, “sorry for being late, it’s like a hurricane out there.”

Taehyung turns his gaze away from the ceiling and greets him with a friendly smile. “Jeonggukie! Well, you’re still earlier than Namjoon-hyung, so you’re fine. Besides, I only got here five minutes ago.”

The youngest sits down next to Taehyung, who continues on in his humming.

“What’s that? It sounds familiar.”

“Hmm? Oh, it’s the jingle from the commercials hyung worked on. I was with Hobi-hyung when the first commercial came out and he made us watch it twenty times to boost up the views,” he laughed. Jeongguk laughed as well, it sounded like a very Hoseok thing to do. “I guess it’s been stuck in my head since.”

Jeongguk starts humming along. He hasn’t actually watched any of the ads, but he’d heard the campaign song before. Seokjin would sometimes sing it to himself and he had even shown Jeongguk a rough version of the commercial a couple of months back.

“How was your week?” Taehyung asks.  

“Terrible,” he groans. “I feel like I worked two 40-hour weeks in one. We had to completely redo some of our pieces even though they had already received approval. I swear I think this is my first time to a place that’s not my apartment or my job in days.”

He had seen Yoongi only once during the week, when his boyfriend dropped off a metronome after his broke, but the visit set him back even more. Yoongi had asked to stay, telling Jeongguk that the younger should relax a little, that he shouldn’t overwork himself, that spending time with Yoongi would do him some good.

And Jeongguk, always feeling guilty, always wanting to be good, didn’t – no, couldn’t – say no, despite knowing that Yoongi staying for dinner and a drama episode would mean he would be up until the early hours of the morning working. But his boyfriend wanted to spend time together, and Jeongguk knew that asking for only a couple of hours was beyond reasonable.

Taehyung comfortingly rubs his back. “Well, hopefully you’ll like it. There’s a lot of cool pieces here that you might be into.”

“Even if I’m not, it’ll be nice to just hang out. How'd the week go for you?”

Taehyung laughs. “Much more easygoing than yours. Work has been pretty chill. Went on a date on Wednesday and the girl was nice.”

The last sentence grabs Jeongguk’s attention. Of the many things he’s forbidden himself to think about, Taehyung and Seokjin’s rekindling friendship was one of them. He knows Seokjin had moved on from that relationship fairly quickly, but he was also well aware of Taehyung’s struggles in doing so. Taehyung never commented on it, at least not to him – and well, Jeongguk never asked either – but Jeongguk could tell that he tried to avoid being too close to Seokjin. Seokjin would do the same, but it was more out of respect for Taehyung’s feelings than anything else. Yet, the awkwardness between the two exes seemed to suddenly disappear one day and Jeongguk hated that it made him uneasy.

Because while Seokjin might have gotten over Taehyung, who is to say he wouldn’t go back again? Especially if there was a good chance that Taehyung was still interested?

“Wait, so you’re actually dating now?” He tries to ask as indifferently as possible, picking at a loose thread at the bottom of his sweater.

Taehyung nods. “Yeah, nothing serious. I don’t think I want serious for a while. But I’ve always liked dating and getting to know new people.”

“So…” Jeongguk says, voice low, “you’re over Seokjin-hyung?”

He shouldn’t care. Why is he even asking? It’s none of his business.

Taehyung looks at him for a second, musing, and then laughs. “Yah, Jeon Jeongguk. It’s been more than seven months since we broke up. It would be a little pathetic if I was still pining over him, no?”

The embarrassment that Jeongguk feels is instant. “How was I supposed to know?! You wouldn’t look at him for months and now you flirt with him all the time!” He splutters defensively.

“Gukie, I flirt with a lot of people. I flirt with you.”

“I … I know, but … what changed?”

Taehyung shrugged, but his smile softens. “I did like him. More than I should have probably. And- well, it’s embarrassing to admit this but who cares – there was a part of me that hoped he would regret breaking up. So, for a couple of months, I convinced myself that he just needed time to work through whatever he was going through.” His voice grows more contemplative, but it doesn’t dampen. “And then a couple of months ago - I think it was November? – It was movie night at Hoseokie-hyung’s, and Namjoon-hyung pointed out the hickeys that he was trying to cover up, remember that?” Taehyung gestures towards his neck, and that’s the last thing Jeongguk sees before he looks down at his feet.

“Yeah.” Of course he remembers, he’s the one who gave them to him.

“That’s when I finally started to process that we were really over. Honestly, it was the wake-up call that I needed. Because - while it wasn’t great seeing them - it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it would? It’s a much easier process when you know the other person has already moved on, because then you’re just like ‘Oh? What am I really holding on to?’ Seokjin-hyung was already gone. It was time for me to move on too. That’s basically it.”

Jeongguk doesn’t respond immediately, letting the quiet noise of the museum fill the silence. “I’m sorry that it had to be that way,” Jeongguk offers, meaning more than Taehyung could possibly imagine. An uncomfortable truth he hasn’t really made himself reckon with is that his actions affected Taehyung as well.

Taehyung laughs, not derisively, but as if he’s genuinely in a better place now, where he can look back on the past and be amused instead of hurt. “I think we’re fine now. I mean, we haven’t really talked about it, but things feel normal again. Which I’m grateful for because I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. But don’t worry, we don’t have to rehash a ‘hyung’s favorite’ battle.”

Jeongguk looks at him, puzzled, as Taehyung playfully pats his back.

“Gukie, when hyung and I were dating, you would literally scowl at me if I even joked that I was his new favorite. It was cute, your jaw gets all clenched and everything. You’re so protective of him, since the very beginning.”

“Yah,” Jeongguk halfheartedly protests, absolutely horrified that he had no idea he had behaved that way.

Had he been possessive of Seokjin even then? Even when they were just friends? The information causes a slight internal meltdown. Jeongguk had been certain that his feelings for Seokjin were recent, a result of an attachment formed from sleeping together, something he should easily be able to move past. But if what Taehyung is saying is true, then the timeline he had in is head is far from accurate.

Before he can delve into it further, Namjoon runs through the lobby doors, apologizing but excited nonetheless, and he’s forced to put the introspection on pause.

With Namjoon’s arrival, they begin their tour.

The museum is on the smaller side, mostly focused on contemporary art – a choice the eldest had made keeping Jeongguk’s personality in mind.

As they make their way through the galleries, Namjoon takes the time to explain tidbits here and there – the movements of art to which the pieces belong to, information about their artists, and so forth – while Taehyung eventually drifts away, distracted by the pieces that grab his attention.

The museum’s collections are definitely far more captivating that Jeongguk had expected them to be. His experience in the past with museums consisted of field trips where they would look at paintings and artifacts from ancient eras – which, sure, could be interesting to some, but were never that remarkable to Jeongguk.

These paintings and sculptures, however, seem to stroke parts of Jeongguk’s soul, little epiphanies blossoming each time he feels moved by a particular piece.

There’s one that holds his attention for a while.

It’s a painting of a river, the water clear enough that you can see below the surface, at all the fishes and pebbles and plants that reside underwater. The interesting part of it is that the only colors the painting uses are blue and white, the lines and shadows created by mixtures of the two colors.

He’s captivated completely, barely even noticing when Namjoon stands next to him.

“You like this one?” he asks.

“Mm,” Jeongguk nods, “I’m not sure why, but I do.”

Namjoon leans in closer to read the title card, mouthing the words to himself before returning to Jeongguk’s side.

“I’m not familiar with the artist, but it seems like it’s an exercise in technique. How one color can create a whole world depending on how you mix and apply it to the canvas. It’s nice.”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk responds, and then gives an embarrassed smile. “I think I just like the color of it.”

Namjoon laughs, “Well, that’s as good of a reason as any. Favorite color?”

Jeongguk presses his lips together and tilts his head, eyes still on the painting. “Not exactly, but I think it’s the one that makes me feel the most.”

“It’s an evocative color. People have used it to symbolize both royalty and nature. It's used to represent both sadness and peace. It’s on the flags of many countries.”

“Oof, I feel like that makes me pretty generic.”

Namjoon shakes his head, “No, it’s more about what it means to you. Blue can be found in so many things. So it's really a matter of when you see the color, what do you think of? What do you feel?”

He focuses on one of the fishes in the painting, in the way the painting seems like a picture that’s captured it mid-swim.   

[He thinks of promises made in ink, of fried chicken, ice cream, and late-night pleas of closure.]

“I don’t know. I’m not sure.”

“That’s ok. I think the important thing to take away is that it made you feel something, the what will come to you when you’re ready.”

Jeongguk finally peels his eyes away from the painting to look at something else, wanting to move on.  

“Is he usually like this?” Jeongguk asks, pointing his chin in the direction of Taehyung. Namjoon turns his head and looks in the direction Jeongguk is gesturing towards, chuckling a little as they watch Taehyung wander around.

“Yeah, I can only hold his attention for so long but we’ll come back to each other every so often, especially if we find something we think the other will like.”

“It’s cool that you guys do this. Thanks for inviting me, hyung.”

“I’m happy you actually wanted to come! It’s really nice to see all of this again through the eyes of someone experiencing it for the first time. Plus, I needed the distraction.”

Jeongguk nods, understanding immediately. “How’s the wedding stuff going?”

“Ahh,” the older lightheartedly groans. “Well, it’s going. I never realized so much went into planning a wedding. I’m beginning to think we should just elope.”

“Jimin-hyung would kill you.” Jeongguk chuckles.

“I know, but trust me, I’ve considered it. By the way, he’s probably going to ask you for help with choosing food stuff on the 13^th.  We have a meeting with our pâtissier to pick our side desserts but I have to travel for a conference, so I can’t go.”

Jeongguk smiles, “Free food? Of course, I’ll be there.”

“Great, Jin-hyung will be there too. Minnie said you two would probably do a better job of helping him pick the right food than I would anyways.”

Jeongguk’s composure doesn’t falter at all, but anxiety shoots through him all the same.

If Jeongguk’s unanswered texts and barely acknowledged smiles were anything to go by, Seokjin has made it pretty clear that he wants to avoid Jeongguk as much as possible. And as much as he wants to be friends with Seokjin again, to at least talk to him beyond simple hellos and generic jokes, he doesn’t want it like this.

Because if Seokjin already said yes, then that must mean he doesn’t know Jimin has invited Jeongguk too, and the last thing he wants to do is blindside him.

“Does Seokjin-hyung know Jimin also invited me?”

“Hmm? Um, probably? Why?”

Because I broke his fucking heart and if it wasn’t for the fact that we have the same group of friends, he would probably want nothing to do with me.

“Just wondering.”

He doesn’t know how to ask Namjoon to make sure without provoking more questions than necessary, and Namjoon would definitely be someone who could catch on pretty quickly.

But the concern remains throughout the day, and it isn’t until he’s home and alone that he decides that he has no other option but to ask Seokjin directly.

Feb. 6, 2021

hyung, i don’t know if you’ll read this but

jimin asked me to go to the dessert tasting too

i don’t know if you knew but if you feel uncomfortable with it let me know

i’ll come up with an excuse.

i miss you [Message deleted by sender]

[10:21 pm]

He sets his phone down on his kitchen counter, wondering how else he can contact Seokjin if he doesn’t respond, when he hears his phone buzz.

SEOKJIN HYUNG

I knew

It’s ok

I’m fine with it if you are.

Btw Hoseokie is coming too

[10:22 pm]

Jeongguk almost drops his phone. It’s been six weeks since Seokjin has acknowledged him outside of their group hangs, and, of all the answers that he prepared for, he did not prepare for the one where Seokjin was fine with it, knowing that Jeongguk would be there too.

oh!

cool!

He grimaces at himself. Cool? That’s the best he can come up with?

i'm really glad hyung

how are you?

Ok

You?

i'm alright

i went to a museum with joon-hyung and tae-hyung

it was cool, i had a good time

[10:24 pm]

I heard

I can’t believe I lost you to the Kims

[10:26 pm]

Jeongguk laughs. He’s so fucking happy right now, even if most of Seokjin’s answers are shorter than they usually would be. But there’s an opening here, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t take it.

you’re a kim too????

[10:27 pm]

Yeah the only fun one apparently

[10:29 pm]

i don’t knoooow

i had a lot of fun today

[10:30 pm]

Without me?

Impossible

[10:31 pm]

well then come with us next time

[10:31 pm]

Maybe

Listen I should go

I’ll see you next Saturday ok?

[10:33 pm]

Jeongguk sighs. He knows he should be grateful that they were able to have a conversation at all, yet it’s only left him greedier.

of course hyung

can’t wait

[10:34 pm]

But he recognizes that this is Seokjin establishing his limit, and he’ll respect it.

He ends up sleeeping better that night than he has in weeks.

The days pass faster than he had expected them to, and yet, Jeongguk is still wrapped up in a sort of nervous anticipation for them to go by even faster.

He wants to see Seokjin, yes. He’s also slightly terrified of seeing him.

It’s obviously not the first time that they’ve seen or spoken to each other since everything, but he knows already that it will be different now that Seokjin is open to talking to him again.

He pulls on the purple sweater sleeve underneath his coat, a nervous habit of his, before readjusting his black baseball hat on his head.

He’s about to open the door to the dessert shop when he hears a “Jeonggukie!” behind him.

He turns to see Hoseok casually strolling down the sidewalk, and Jeongguk is grateful to see someone that will ease his anxiety more than pulling on his clothes will.

“Hyung!” he greets, letting out a huff when Hoseok hops on his back to hug him.

“Are you excited to gorge yourself on delicious sweets for free?”

“It’s like you don’t even know me,” he laughs as he opens the door for Hoseok, the two walking in to the shop.

It doesn’t even take him a second to spot Seokjin. Their eyes meet from across the room, as they have before, but this time Seokjin doesn’t look away. The gaze holds, open and sincere, and Jeongguk lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Seokjin looks good. Relaxed. His almost neck-length hair is pulled up into a half-ponytail, the bangs falling around his face and Jeongguk doesn’t think he’s ever looked more delicate.

By the time he and Hoseok reach the table, he’s already decided to try his luck and place a hand on the back of the empty chair next to Seokjin.

All Seokjin has to do is look at him a certain way, and he’ll know whether it's ok to sit next to him.

“You guys made it just on time!” he hears Jimin say.

“Yeah, I caught up to Guk as soon as he was opening the door,” he hears Hoseok respond.

But all he sees is Seokjin smile. At him.

“It’s good to see you guys,” he says, eyes still on Jeongguk, pausing slightly at the top of his head and then following down to the hand on the chair. His smile remains warm.

Jeongguk sits.

“It’s good to see you too, hyung.”

Seokjin nods, a of affection in his eyes, before turning to Hoseok, already staring curiously in their direction. “Hoseok, I was just telling our Jimin-ssi about that time you dropped Namjoon’s birthday cake on our couch.”

Hoseok opens his mouth to mount a defense, but Jimin is already yelling.

“Hoseok-hyung, I love you, but you’re not allowed anywhere near the wedding cake!”

“I did them a favor! That couch was horrible – the color was atrocious, it was as stiff as a board, it had already lost one peg. They were using textbooks to hold that side up!” he lists out on his fingers. “If it wasn’t for me ruining it, Seokjin-hyung and Yoongi-hyung would have never bothered to replace it.”

“What favor? You didn’t even offer to help pay for it!” Seokjin screams, and Jeongguk loves it. Loves how Seokjin seems to genuinely be enjoying himself.

“Because I was poor!” Hoseok manages to get out between his giggles.

Jeongguk tests the waters. “So, all of your couches have been terrible then?” he asks with a teasing smirk.

The words cause an instant blush in Seokjin’s face, the man giving him a playful shove. “Leave Sofia out of this.”

They were laying on Seokjin’s couch together, lazing around one evening after work. It’s mid-November and it’s cold outside and it should be comforting to be wrapped up in someone else like this, but Jeongguk just felt so, SO sore.

“Hyung,” he grumbled, half-asleep already after their starchy dinner.

“Hm?” Seokjin grunted in response, further burrowing his head into Jeongguk’s chest. His cold nose made contact with his collarbone, making Jeongguk shiver.

“I have to get up, my back is hurting.”

“No, I’m too comfortable,” he mumbled.

Jeongguk groaned in frustration. “Hyung, please.”

“My house, my rules, Guk.”

“God, you’re so spoiled,” the younger complained, squirming around to find a more comfortable position.

Seokjin lifted his head to look up at him. “I’m spoiled? I just fed you dinner from my own kitchen, that I had made for myself, with my own ingredients, that I paid for with my own money.”

“You should use some of that money on a better sofa.”

“Sofia is great, leave her alone.”

“She’s terrible. How do you even sit on this thing?”

“You’re free to leave, Guk.”

The younger sighed and tightens his arms around the man on top of him. “Never, but I can’t believe you would choose a sofa over me.”

Jeongguk doesn’t know why this keeps happening. Why memories of their short time together keep popping up in his head. Why he misses Seokjin even when Seokjin is right next to him.

Thankfully, his spiral is interrupted when a woman holding a clipboard approaches their table.

“Hello, Jimin-ssi! I’m very happy to see you again.”

“Hi, Seori-ssi. Joonie-hyung is on a work trip, but I brought my friends with me today to help me choose the additional desserts for the wedding.” He gestures to his left, “This is Hoseok-hyung, and to my right is Seokjin-hyung and Jeonggukie.”

“A pleasure to meet you all. I hope this tasting today will be to your liking.”

The other three nod and say hello, as Jimin begins to jump up and down in his seat in excitement.

Seori explains how the appointment will go – they’ll each be given a scoring sheet where they’re asked to make notes of the desserts that they liked and if they have any notes on how they could be improved.

Throughout the following hour, plates of dessert samples are brought out: shortbread cookies with chocolate drizzles, puff pastries with strawberry jelly in the middle, a lemon bar that Jeongguk – to his great mortification – immediately spits out upon tasting it.

He apologizes profusely, swearing that he’s just not a fan of lemon-flavored desserts and that it has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of the dessert itself. The pâtissier accepts it in stride but it’s Seokjin next to him who can’t stop laughing.

“Yah,” he grumbles under his breath, “stop, it’s embarrassing enough.” But he can’t help but smile as well. Seokjin is laughing. Granted, he’s laughing at him, but it’s still a significant improvement from the polite smiles he used to give him before.

“Guk-ah, no, it’s just,” he chokes out, “you should have seen your face.”

“Hyung,” he lightheartedly groans.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says as he calms down, reaching for his glass of water. “Here, wash it down so you can try the next one.”

Jeongguk accepts the glass, his stern face falling into a smile.

For a second, everything feels normal again. Like it once was.

[And somehow it still doesn’t feel like enough.]

Another round of desserts is brought out, and Jeongguk tries to keep his mind on his task. He focuses on the ginger dark chocolate truffles and on the mini fruit tarts, doing his best to actually help Jimin decide on which desserts to pick.

And it’s all going fine until he’s trying a passionfruit cheesecake square. It’s the kind of flavor that he knows Seokjin likes, tart and creamy, and he doesn’t even think twice before tapping on Seokjin’s shoulder.

The eldest turns to look at him and Jeongguk is already bringing the square to Seokjin’s mouth before he even realizes how bad of an idea it will be.

Seokjin freezes, stuck. It lasts only half a second, but it feels like a lifetime to Jeongguk. He went too far; he’s acting too familiar. This action could have been seen as simply friendly fine months ago, but not anymore, or, at least, not now.  

He’s about to retract his hand. To play it off so that Jimin and Hoseok don’t look at them in confusion.

But then Seokjin parts his lips.

Everything feels like it’s moving so slowly, as if it were happening underwater. The way Seokjin moves his head closer so that half of the square is in his mouth, his lips brushing against the tips of Jeongguk’s fingers so lightly that he thinks he might have imagined it. Seokjin doesn’t look at him at all but Jeongguk can’t look away, his eyes on him as he chews, the way the side of his mouth lifts up slightly, the food puffing up his cheek.

It’s like he can’t control himself.

He pokes gently at Seokjin’s cheek. “Cute,” he mutters inadvertently.

But Seokjin swiftly wraps his hand around Jeongguk’s wrist and brings it down. He gives him a tight smile – the kind that Jeongguk hates, but one that he knows he deserves right now – and an almost imperceptible shake to his head.

He’s pushed too far.

Seokjin looks away.

Jeongguk tries to act normal. He asks Jimin about Namjoon’s work trip, and passes Hoseok a dessert sample that he thinks he would like. He talks about his recent museum trip with Namjoon and Taehyung.

But in the back of his mind, he’s chastising himself. Seokjin was only dipping his toe in the water, cautiously allowing Jeongguk back into his life, and Jeongguk basically pushed the both of them into the deep end of the pool.  

It’s a problem he sometimes has - not recognizing boundaries until he’s already crossed them.

They wrap up their dessert tasting with Jimin asking them to send him their rankings of their favorite three so that he can email Seori later with his selections, but all Jeongguk can think about is if he fucked everything up.

“What’s everyone doing after this?” Hoseok asks as they put their coats on near the exit, looking directly at Jeongguk.

“I’m not doing anything, was just going to go back home,” he answers. Yoongi said he needed a rest day, and frankly, Jeongguk doesn’t think he can even see Yoongi right now with the overwhelming confusion he’s feeling.

“I’m meeting an old friend from nursing school for dinner, but I don’t think I’ll be able to eat after this,” Jimin moans, leaning his head on Jeongguk’s shoulder.

It’s Seokjin who speaks next. “I have a tennis date.”

That explains the track suit jacket he’s wearing.

But other than that, Jeongguk doesn’t acknowledge the statement.

Jimin’s jaw drops open, pretending to be scandalized. “Oh my god, with who?”

“Shut up, it isn’t like that,” Seokjin, says rolling his eyes. “I’m just meeting up with a coworker who’s been bugging me about it for a while, and we found an indoor court where we could go to for free.”

Was the word choice deliberate? No, Seokjin wouldn’t do that. Besides, how would Seokjin know that such a statement would punch the air out of Jeongguk?

For all Seokjin knows, Jeongguk has already moved on. He should have by now.

And even if it was a date, Jeongguk has no right to feel any way about it.

Seokjin is allowed to do whatever he wants. It’s been almost two months since Jeongguk ended things.

But still, he can’t look at him. He doesn’t want Seokjin to see something in his eyes when he himself can’t figure out how he’s supposed to feel right now.

“Is he cute?” Jimin continues to prod.

Seokjin narrows his eyes. “She’s a woman, Jimin-ah! Shame on you for assuming a coworker means a man!” It’s playful and meant to shift the attention away from the original intention of Jimin’s question.

The way Jimin immediately goes on defense is evidence that it works. “Hyung! You know I didn’t mean it like that!”

There’s easy laughter afterwards, and then Hoseok speaks again. “Jeonggukie, I don’t have anything to do either. Do you want to go to a coffee shop down the block for some bitter Americanos that will cleanse out all the sweetness?”

He's always felt more at ease after hanging out with Hoseok, so he agrees without hesitation. Anything sounds better than going home and mulling over the afternoon in his head until he eventually tamps it down into the recesses of his mind where all of his interactions with Seokjin are currently stored away.

“Good,” Hoseok says as he hooks his arm around Jeongguk’s, pulling him away from Jimin despite his objections.

Jimin and Seokjin hug them goodbye, a normal enough gesture, but it’s Seokjin’s words that finally quiet his racing mind.

“We’re ok,” he whispers into Jeongguk’s ear. “It was good to see you. Really.”

His mind repeats the words again and again as he and Hoseok make their way to the café, Hoseok swinging their hands together back and forth, humming along but seemingly preoccupied with something.

Jeongguk can tell that something is troubling him, but he’s too distracted by the hope that he feels with Seokjin’s words to think too much of it. He didn’t ruin everything. Seokjin doesn’t hate him.

It isn’t until they’re sitting down that Jeongguk registers that Hoseok is becoming increasingly pensive, even as he finishes a quick story on his pregnant sister’s late-night cravings.

“What about her husband? Shouldn’t he be the one going out at three in the morning for seaweed snacks?” Jeongguk asks.

Hoseok twists his glass around on the table, a circle of condensation building around the drink.

“He’s a doctor on a night rotation right now,” he answers. “And as exhausting as it is, she’s my sister, you know? We live close enough to each other, I want to do all that I can to help her until the baby is born.”

Jeongguk isn’t surprised. “You’re a good brother. And a good uncle.”

“I want to do it," Hoseok says with a small smile. "I like being there for the people I care about.”

He leans back in his chair, his eyes on Jeongguk. Watching. It’s a habit Yoongi has too, and Jeongguk’s always wondered who picked it up from whom.

“You know I care about you too, right? You’re just as important to me as Seokjin-hyung or Namjoon. It’s never mattered to me that you’re the youngest or the one I’ve known for the least amount of time.”

Jeongguk nods slowly. “I do. You matter to me too. All of you do.”

“And I know I never said this while you and Yoongi-hyung were on a break, but … even if you two had broken up, that wouldn’t have meant anything to me. I would have still wanted you as my friend.”

He feels his muscles tensing. Every second that Hoseok spends staring without moving a single centimeter ramps up the anxiety within Jeongguk even more.

“Thank you, hyung. But we didn’t break up. So, that doesn’t matter now, right?”

Hoseok huffs out an empty laugh.

“You know, I’ve gone over and over this in my head, trying to convince myself that I’m wrong, but I don’t think that I am.” He drags his hand through his hair and takes a steadying breath. “And then I tell myself it’s not any of my business, but you’re my friend, and Yoongi-hyung is my friend, and Seokjin-hyung is my friend. And I can’t stand by and just wait for this to implode. So,”- another breath, but Jeongguk feels like it’s stolen from his own lungs - “So, Jeongguk, I’m going to ask you something and I hope you respect me enough to tell me the truth.”

The words make Jeongguk go cold, and he slowly puts his coffee back on the table.

There’s no way he knows.

“What is it?” His voice comes out steady. Calm.

Hoseok looks at him with concern.

Yet.

Also.

With determination.

He can’t know. He doesn’t know. How would he know?

“This thing that you had going on with Seokjin-hyung,” Hoseok starts, unraveling everything, “when did it begin?”

Chapter Text

THEN

Jeongguk waited in his car outside of Seokjin’s building, thoughts crashing against each other in his tired mind.  So much noise inhabited his head lately that all he wanted sometimes was to run away, to see what peace he could find away from the noise.

He rubbed his forehead with his hand and turned to look outside of the window, Seokjin coming into view.

Even from a distance, he could see how Seokjin’s eyes widened upon spotting him, and he couldn’t help but give a small laugh at knowing that the man was probably shocked by his punctuality.

The sun had begun to set long ago, but Seokjin had stayed behind a few more hours to work on a project. Or, at least that was what he had said.

For as long as Jeongguk had known Seokjin, he had no doubt that Seokjin was committed to doing his job well. But given the unusual number of times he had told Jeongguk that he wasn’t free to see him after work because of deadlines, Jeongguk had begun to suspect that there was more to Seokjin’s disappearance than simply being a dedicated employee.

When Jeongguk had texted him earlier that day, asking – again – if he could pick Seokjin up from work, Seokjin had – again – come up with a barely passable excuse.

He had told Jeongguk that he didn’t need a ride home, but this time Jeongguk had insisted, saying that he didn’t want to be alone, not right now, that he wanted to have dinner with a friend, and please, couldn’t Seokjin do that for him?

He didn’t explicitly use the card that he could have used – have pity on a heartbroken boy, hyung - but the implication was understood all the same.

So, this time, Seokjin accepted.

“Isn’t my timing impeccable?” Jeongguk joked as Seokjin climbed inside of the car.

“For a second, I thought your car had been stolen because no way was Jeon Jeongguk showing up on the dot,” Seokjin halfheartedly deadpanned before his lips curved into a sympathetic smile. His eyes searched Jeongguk’s face, and while it made Jeongguk uncomfortable, he had no right to complain when he was doing the same, trying to figure out why this was the first time he was seeing Seokjin in days.  

“So,” Seokjin said softly, breaking the quiet spell. “How are you? With everything?”

Jeongguk inhaled sharply at the question, small balloons of hurt bursting in his chest.  

“Ahh,” he turned away to look at the road, his hand shifting the gear from park to drive. “Let’s at least get a drink in me first.”

“Jeongguk-”

“I’m fine.” He answered tightly, trying to make it clear that he wasn’t ready, not right then. The silence that answered from the passenger side meant that Seokjin understood.

“You look so handsome, hyung,” he said, changing the conversation for their drive.

Seokjin rolled his eyes at the compliment, but his ears flushed pink all the same, “Yah, why do you say it like you’re surprised?”

“It’s been a while since we hung out just the two of us. I was going to ask you to pin a carnation to your shirt so that I could recognize you.”

He hadn’t expected for Seokjin’s smile to dim, but as quickly as his lips turned downward, he composed himself. Just as Jeongguk was about to ask if the elder was alright, Seokjin reached over to pinch his neck. “See if you ever get me to go out to dinner with you so late again. I better be home by a reasonable time Jeongguk.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know old people have bedtimes. Yah! Stop pinching me!”

They parked in the visitor’s lot of Seokjin’s apartment building and walked to a food stall a couple of blocks away, a place they had been to before and that had become their own little private spot, even from their friends.

Jeongguk remembers this. That it was the last day of September. A Wednesday. That the night air was cool, but not cold, the perfect temperature in the transition from summer to autumn. He remembers how Seokjin’s hair was a light caramel shade at the time. He remembers the gray sweater that Seokjin was wearing, and that he had been wearing jeans because it was casual day at work. He remembers that the moon was mostly, but not fully, visible that night, its brightness dulled by Seoul’s blinding lights.

Small metal tables covered the sidewalk by the stall, and they picked the one farthest away from the salivating smell of meat skewers to have an easier time withstanding the wait time.

“So … can I ask how you’re doing now?”

Jeongguk couldn’t help but snort as the question came the very second he had finished pouring soju into their glasses.

But he couldn’t quite bring himself to look at Seokjin in the eye.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. Quietly. “I … I’m not surprised he asked for a break. I hate that it’s gotten to this point, but-” He dragged his hands through his hair, as he had done countless times for the past month, and focused more on the drink in front of him than on Seokjin.

“A part of me is angry. At myself, because I couldn’t fix it in time. And at hyung for deciding all of this on his own. For trying to tell me what’s best for me. I’m not saying he’s wrong. No, he’s probably right, but still, I- just because I’m younger than the rest of you doesn’t mean I can’t figure my shit out, you know? I'm 23.”

Seokjin frowned. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way, Guk.”

“No, I know he didn’t, but it still bothered me, hyung.” He could feel a tide of bitterness approaching, so he took a moment to calm himself down. “And then there’s another part of me-”

Jeongguk didn’t want to admit this next part, hated that he even felt it, but he couldn’t keep it to himself. So, he paused, finally allowing himself to look at Seokjin. In his friend's expression he saw reflected the confusion and hurt he felt, as if Seokjin could feel it too.

“A part of me also feels like I can finally breathe,” he confessed. “I couldn’t- This past month has been so fucking draining, hyung. The silence and the passive-aggressive comments. Both of us telling each other that everything was fine and then getting annoyed when the other wouldn’t push for a real answer. We’ve just been avoiding conversations and each other, and it’s just- I mean, I get why hyung got frustrated. I’m frustrated, too. I don’t know, maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing.”

He took a sip from his glass, ruminating on all of the loaded sighs and blank stares and avoidant 'don't worry about it's that he and Yoongi had been exchanging for the past few weeks.

“Yah,” Seokjin lightheartedly admonished, “so you don’t have shit figured out. So what? Fuck, even at my ‘old age’, I’m still playing things by ear half the time.”

Jeongguk laughed a little at that. “Yah, you’re 27. That’s not that old.”

Seokjin raised his eyebrows. “Wow, didn’t even take the bait. You must be really feeling it, huh?”

Jeongguk laughed again, grateful for Seokjin’s attempts at keeping him from wallowing. But even then, he still worried over one question.

“I’m sure the two of you have talked. Is he ok?”

Seokjin’s expression softened as he tapped on the table, choosing his words carefully. “I don’t think ok is the right word, but he’s …,” Seokjin hesitated, staring off to the side, “He’s hoping that this will be good for the two of you, I guess. All he did was text me that you two were going on a break. I didn’t even know he was considering it. And when I called him, he didn’t really want to talk about it all that much. Jimin told me that he’s taking him to a bar, so he’s looking out for him tonight.”

Seokjin paused when one of the vendors approached their table to set their food down, waiting until the woman was gone before continuing.

“He told me that you two had agreed to not see or talk to each other for a bit.”

Jeongguk huffed derisively.

Agreed.

He knew that Yoongi was hurt by Jeongguk’s inability to answer some of his questions about their future, but Jeongguk was hurt too. He had been trying his best, couldn’t Yoongi see that?

And yet, all of the parameters on how this break was going to go had been set by only one of them, with the other only being asked yes or no.

“Yeah. I told him we didn’t have to. I don’t want one of us to have to skip out when we all get together, but he said he’d think about it. He also didn’t want to put an end date on … this. Said it would be counter-productive. So, I guess we’ll get back together whenever it feels right.”

“And you’re certain about that? That you two are getting back together?”

A knot pulled in his stomach with Seokjin’s questions.

Even if he couldn’t envision what their future looked like, Yoongi had been such a constant presence that he couldn’t picture life without him either.

“Yeah. I am. We’ve been together for so long, hyung. This is just … to breathe a little bit, to ease the tension from the past month,” he said, repeating the words Yoongi had said to him. “We just need some time to ourselves for a bit, that’s all.”

Seokjin bit his bottom lip, sucking on it slightly, Jeongguk's eyes drawn to the action.

He could tell that Seokjin was holding a comment back.

“What?”

The question startled Seokjin, and he released his lip, now wet and slightly red. Jeongguk continued to look without meaning to.

“Nothing. It’s good that you know that already.”

And it was obvious to Jeongguk that those weren’t the words Seokjin wanted to say, but before he could prod him more, Seokjin picked up a skewer and bit off a piece of chicken.

“Yah, eat. It’s good, Auntie Miran never lets us down.”

Jeongguk wasn't ready to let the conversation go just yet, there was still a scratch in chest needing to vent to someone he trusted. But he saw an opportunity for something else, and he. chose to after that instead.

“You’ll pay for another round, right, hyung? Help me ease my broken heart?”

There was a pause as Seokjin knocked back his glass of soju. Setting it down, he shot Jeongguk an unamused look.

“No.”

“Ah, hyung,” he complained, still staring as Seokjin took another bite, tugging the chicken off of the skewer with his teeth.  

They polished down a couple of skewers each before Jeongguk spoke again.

“Did he tell you that we’re allowed to see other people?”

Seokjin’s head snapped up at breakneck speed, his eyes shocked wide to an almost comical degree. “No, he didn’t,” he said, stunned. “I’m … wow, I wasn’t expecting that.”

Jeongguk chewed on the piece of lamb he had bit off. “He thinks that us dating before I graduated has kept me from experiencing things,” he said, unemotionally repeating Yoongi’s argument. “He said I’m free to do whatever I want. No restrictions. That way when we get back together, we’ll know that it’s without any doubt.”

“Oh,” Seokjin said, staring down at his plate, no longer touching his food. “How do you feel about that?”

“I told him then that the same had to apply for him then. It would feel too weird for it to be just me.”

Seokjin choked on a scoff. He looked apologetic for it when Jeongguk frowned, but shrugged as he answered for it. “Guk, you’re telling me that you’re not going to get jealous if Yoongi hooks up with or dates someone else?”

“I don’t think either of us will take up on it, so it’s not worth worrying about.”

“That’s pretty understanding of you guys, I guess," Seokjin mumbled. In an instant, he finished off his second glass of soju. 

“Yeah, maybe.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes, but this time the silence bothered Jeongguk. He knew that Seokjin was trying to understand, but the truth was that Jeongguk barely understood everything himself.

The desire to talk it out with someone was gone. He didn’t like have his feelings and thoughts under the microscope when all that he had been doing for the past few days was wonder why he couldn’t get his shit together in time to avoid this outcome.

He looked back at Seokjin, who was picking at his food without eating it, and a question that had been in the back of his mind crested the surface, shifting the conversation.    

“So, are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you?” Jeongguk asked.

Seokjin cleared his throat, his shoulders tense at once, and avoided Jeongguk’s questioning stare. “What?”

His approach was sudden and clumsy, but saying the words unleashed something within him. Seokjin, the one who he had connected with instantly in Yoongi’s friend group, the best friend who he had originally wanted so desperately to like him, the one who never actually treated him like the youngest, was someone that he feared was slipping away from him too.

So, he fixed his gaze fully on Seokjin and sat up a little straighter, wanting answers.

“You keep cancelling on me. And you take forever to text me back. You don’t ask for rides home anymore, and I know you’re not back to driving, which means you’re choosing public transport over me-”

“Guk, we still hang out,” Seokjin halfheartedly offered as a defense.

“Not as often as we used to,” he answered, exasperated. “And only because I basically force you. When’s the last time you made plans for the two of us. Or dropped by my place?”

Seokjin looked torn. Exhausted. Jeongguk realized he had seen this face before, more and more over the past few weeks. He hated himself for putting Seokjin in this position, but he needed to know why there was suddenly a growing chasm between the two of them.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not asking for an apology, hyung. I just want to know if I did something wrong.”

“You didn’t. It’s me. It’s just- it’s my shit.”

“What is? Seokjin-hyung, you can talk to me. I want you to talk to me.”

Desperation flashed in Seokjin’s eyes.

“Jeongguk." His tone was final. Determined. "I’m dealing with it.”

“Ok, fine."

The younger conceded, even if every instinct within him screamed to push deeper, that he couldn't let Seokjin push him away. But he wanted to be understanding. To be someone Seokjin could trust, the way Seokjin always was that person for him.

“You’re entitled to your privacy," he said, more to himself than to Seokjin, but he hoped the words would soften the tension. "But do you have to handle it away from me?”

A tired laugh escaped from Seokjin, as if what Jeongguk had said contained a hidden joke.

“It’s complicated," he sighed. But his features twisted into something pensive and remorseful.

"But I didn’t mean to make you feel like I’m pushing you away, Guk.” 

Without a thought, Jeongguk reached across the table to grab Seokjin’s hand and squeeze it tightly.

“Hyung, you’re always there for me. I just hope you feel like I can be there for you, too. Whatever it is, you can trust me. I wouldn’t let you deal with it alone.”

“I do trust you,” Seokjin muttered, his eyes on their hands as he brushed a finger over Jeongguk’s knuckles. Suddenly, and to Jeongguk’s surprise, he shook his head and laughed.

“Hyung’s being ridiculous." His hand tightened around Jeongguk's, and his eyes no longer seemed guarded. "Like I said, I’m still figuring shit out even at this age. But you’re important to me, Guk. You have me, don’t worry.”

The words seemed genuine, but Jeongguk needed more.

“Do you promise?”

Their gazes settled and locked on each other, intense but vulnerable. Open. 

“I promise.”

At that moment, Jeongguk made a choice. Whatever it was that was plaguing Seokjin, Jeongguk would be there for him. Seokjin didn't have to tell him anything, didn't have to share anything that he didn't want, that was ok. He would believe Seokjin wholeheartedly that he would never let anything push them apart.  

“Ok,” Jeongguk said, exhaling deeply, significantly more at ease.

They ambled their way back to Seokjin’s apartment, insolently shoving at each other as they walked down the sidewalk. They had only shared the one bottle of grapefruit soju, enough to relax them from their more serious conversations earlier, but not enough to impair them. As they walked, Jeongguk sneaked glances at Seokjin, exhilarated with having him this close to him again after weeks of distance. He pushed against him one last time before hooking his arm over Seokjin's neck, pulling him close. At least, he thought, he had Seokjin.

Even if they hadn’t drunk that much, Seokjin still insisted on Jeongguk staying for a little while to be sure that he was completely sober. Ever since his accident, he had become much more cautious with driving, not just of his own, but of everyone else’s. Jeongguk easily agreed, primarily to give Seokjin peace of mind, but also to spend a little more time with someone who had been so recently elusive to him.

As soon as they entered Seokjin’s apartment, they collapsed on to the sofa. Seokjin leaned his head on the backrest, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, while Jeongguk, hating even the tiniest bit of distance, still missing Seokjin despite having spent an evening with him, plopped down next to him. 

He folded one leg on the couch and turning his body towards the eldest’s. His head inched its way closer to Seokjin’s, a perfect view of his profile. Seokjin's always had a pretty face, he thought to himself. 

“What’s up?”

“Mm,” he turned his head towards Jeongguk, face meditative. “I guess I just realized- I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you this past month. I didn’t even realize it had gotten that bad between you two.”

Jeongguk clicked his tongue as he lifted his hand to card it through Seokjin’s hair, a reassuring touch that Seokjin had always liked.

“You said you have your own shit going on. What matters is that you’re here now.”

Seokjin laughed, “Well, technically you’re here. Thanks, by the way. For not letting me fuck us up.”

Jeongguk smiled back and let his hand fall hard on Seokjin’s thigh, the muscle tensing instantly. “Please. You think I’d ever let you run away from me?”

Seokjin’s eyes followed Jeongguk’s hand, biting his lip again.

“I’m glad you didn’t.”

A moment.

“Me too.”

Jeongguk didn’t notice that he had tightened his grip on Seokjin’s leg. That he had pushed himself up a little, enough so that his upper body now somewhat loomed over Seokjin’s lax position on the couch.

Seokjin's eyes shifted from looking at his face to looking down, away, his long eyelashes fluttering with every minute movement. 

“Just …” Seokjin’s voice was almost inaudible, making Jeongguk lean in closer. “You’re good at taking care of your friends. You’re good at taking care of me.” 

It felt good to hear. For someone to say that Jeongguk could do things well, that he wasn’t too young, too inexperienced, too lost. And it felt even better hearing it from Seokjin.

Jeongguk absentmindedly drew circles on Seokjin’s thigh with his index finger.

“I like taking care of you,” Jeongguk responded, voice low. His eyes fixated on Seokjin’s lips. “I like it a lot.”

All he could see and think about was Seokjin, his parted mouth, his half-lidded gaze now set on Jeongguk’s face.

Maybe it was the exhaustion, the whiplash of the past few days that led to this. Into latching on to the first bit of comfort he came across. In that moment, Seokjin wasn’t Yoongi’s friend, his university roommate, his confidant.

He was Jeongguk’s. Jeongguk’s friend, Jeongguk’s … everything that Jeongguk needed him to be.

When did their faces get so close?

The warm air between his and Seokjin’s mouths felt so addicting that he couldn’t pull away. He only angled his face closer.

“Hyung,” he whispered.

He leaned in first. That’s what he remembers. That’s why everything is his fault. Jeongguk leaned in first. He met Seokjin’s lips with a warm kiss, a gentle first touch almost innocent in nature.

He pulled back slightly, feeling Seokjin’s hand hesitatingly rest on his shoulder, before craning his neck again, pressing his lips slightly more firmly against Seokjin’s. He remembers realizing that Seokjin’s lips tasted like grapefruit and marveling at how soft they were.

Yet, while Seokjin’s thumb stroked his neck, his own lips remained unmoving against Jeongguk’s. Simultaneously participating and holding back.

So, Jeongguk tilted his head and kissed him again, properly, with fervor, relieved when he finally felt Seokjin’s lips gliding against his, a pleased hum vibrating from Jeongguk’s throat.

But he was surprised with how Seokjin kissed back, the unrestrained hunger that came out at once. He'd had people kiss him with desperation before, spurred on by lust and the need to claim him as theirs, but this felt different from a college makeout. 

Seokjin's hands cradled Jeongguk’s face as he pushed his lips deep and hard against the younger’s, and Jeongguk found himself welcoming it all without question. Every touch, every meeting of lips had his heartbeat quickening, his pulse racing. 

Yet, when a particular nip at the piercing on his bottom lip produced a soft groan, Seokjin pulled back, flinching at the sound. The daze in his eyes broke, replaced by a look of horror. 

“Oh my god. Fuck. Oh god. I’m so sorry.”

“- no, hyung. It’s not -” Jeongguk couldn’t string words together, the inebriation of want already coursing through his body.

“I shouldn’t have … I-I-”

“-Hyung, it was me. Hyung.” He cupped Seokjin’s face between his hands, staring directly into his widened eyes, avoiding the sight of his swollen lips.

“Seokjin-hyung.”

Inhale. Exhale. Don’t stare.

Still, Jeongguk pressed his forehead against Seokjin’s.

“We shouldn’t,” Seokjin whispered.

Still, he hadn’t let go of Jeongguk’s jacket, his hands fisting around the collar.

This is what Jeongguk should have done: stood up, apologized, and gone home. Because even if he was allowed to see other people, Yoongi and Seokjin were friends. Because even if they weren’t, being with someone else so soon was a mistake. The right thing would have been to go home.

But he didn’t want to. He wanted to chase the comfort, the brief respite from the mess of his life. It was as if a small part of him, a part he didn’t even know existed, recognized that in front of him was a fleeting window for him to have something he didn’t even know he wanted.

He felt every shuddering exhale Seokjin released on his lips. Felt every brush of Seokjin’s eyelashes on his thumbs. He needed more.

His brain tried to scream at him no, that this was a mistake, that this would hurt everyone. But the desire to taste Seokjin’s lips again, to feel his body against his own, had already engulfed him completely. 

He moved in closer.

Damning words fell from Jeongguk’s lips. “Tell me to stop and I will.”

And this is why Seokjin will blame himself. Because here was the exit ramp, laid out before him. They could have blamed the impulsive kiss on alcohol or tiredness, anything. But instead -

He tugged Jeongguk towards him. He reignited the ashes. 

Their lips moved together languidly, hesitation still clear in their movements. It was almost tender in its transgression. Everything inside of Jeongguk quieted down with each kiss.

Jeongguk's lips wrapped around Seokjin's plush bottom one as the elder took off the younger’s jacket. When Seokjin broke away to catch his breath, Jeongguk felt his arousal spiking at the sight of wet lips and the feeling of Seokjin’s hands on his chest. Unable to stay away, he left open-mouthed kisses all over Seokjin’s neck, tightening one hand in Seokjin’s hair to tilt his head back further for a greater canvas, painting the skin with his own colors.

One particular suck elicited a loud, unabashed moan from Seokjin, setting off an ambitious need within Jeongguk to hear it again.

There was no restraint from either of them anymore. Tongues slipped between lips, deepening their kisses, and little groans of pleasure mixed with the sounds of harsh breathing.

He leaned back against the couch and grabbed Seokjin’s waist to pull him over his lap, made momentarily breathless at the sight of Seokjin sprawled on top of him. Seokjin had always been stunningly handsome, but it was the way he looked at Jeongguk now, the tenderness in his gaze, that made Jeongguk feel like his heart was in his throat. He needed all of Seokjin.

You have me.

You think I’d ever let you run away from me?

So, when Seokjin leaned back down, using his hands to tilt Jeongguk’s chin up to meet his lips with another kiss, Jeongguk gave it to him. The pleased hum from Seokjin made the kiss sweeter, another wave of endorphins flooding within him. It felt good to not think, to only feel.

He used his hands to explore Seokjin’s body, touching it in ways he never had before. His palms roamed up and down the man’s broad back, gripping hard at his shoulders before making their way back down to his tapered waist. It was good, but it wasn’t enough, and he found himself reaching for the hem of Seokjin’s sweater. Seokjin moved in perfect harmony with Jeongguk’s touch, lifting his arms so that Jeongguk could take his sweater off.

“You too,” Seokjin demanded, making Jeongguk’s hips buck up into him. They took off Jeongguk’s top next, embracing each other again once their torsos were stripped bare. Never had Jeongguk imagined that he would ever hold Seokjin like this, shuddering in his arms as he licked and sucked the man’s chest. Never would he have thought that he would know what it would feel like to have Seokjin panting into the crown of his hair as he took his nipple into his mouth. It was too much. It was not enough.

He didn’t know how far he wanted it to go - it’s not as if he had kissed Seokjin with a blueprint on what he wanted to happen - but he did know that he didn’t want to stop. He would indulge in the intoxication of pleasure as far as he could, the part of his brain that had told him earlier to stop had long been silenced.

“Hyung,” he rasped as Seokjin began circling his hips over his crotch, making his jeans feel unbearably tight. He moved his hands back to Seokjin’s hips, encouraging him in his movements. “Oh, god. Hyung.”

After all, blood rushes faster than reason.

“Should we go to your room?” Jeongguk asked, voice strained.

“No,” Seokjin answered back immediately. “Here.”

“Ok. Here then,” Jeongguk whispered as he captured the man’s lips again.

He wrapped his arms around Seokjin and laid him down on the couch. Soft kisses peppered Jeongguk’s face, Seokjin would not let go either.

“Hyung?”

Kiss.

“Do you-”

Kiss.

“Can I -”

Kiss.

“Seokjin,” he groaned, stilling the man’s hips beneath him, using all of his willpower to put the smallest possible distance between their faces so that he could speak. Seokjin’s eyes were glazed over with lust, pupils blown wide with lust, and his cheeks were a rosy red. He looked desperate, a little out of control, and it made Jeongguk feel wild. He dragged his hand to the button of Seokjin’s jeans.

“Can I take these off?”

Seokjin paused and panic flashed across his face before he closed his eyes.

“We - We don’t have to. I can stop.”

Seokjin shook his head and inhaled deeply.

“No,” he whispered, opening his eyes, “I want you to.”

Clothes littered the floor as two bodies writhed together on the couch. When simple rubbing became too much, Seokjin whimpered against Jeongguk’s lips.

“Guk,” he gasped, “I - I’m ok. With whatever you want.”

There was a desire to kiss the vulnerability in Seokjin’s eyes away. How could Jeongguk put into words how he felt - that all he wanted was to drown in Seokjin, that for the first time in weeks, his racing thoughts finally felt quelled, that now that he had seen these bits and pieces of Seokjin in pleasure, he needed to experience all of it.

“Can I fuck you?” he inarticulately asked instead, not even able to keep the earnest desire out of his voice.

Seokjin’s eyes shot open and Jeongguk wanted to slap himself for phrasing it so crassly. He hid his face in Seokjin’s neck, hoping to conceal the embarrassment over his eagerness by grazing his teeth on the man’s throat and dragging his cock against Seokjin’s.

“I have - god- lube. And condoms. In my nightstand.”

He pulled his face back to Seokjin’s and gratefully pressed a soft kiss. “Ok,” he breathed on his lips, “wait here.”

The entire retrieval took less than two minutes, but every second away from Seokjin felt like an eternity to Jeongguk. He could not remember the last time that desperation had clawed into him like this. It was as if nothing existed outside of the apartment. What was the world compared to this moment?

When Jeongguk returned to the sofa, he found Seokjin lazily stroking himself. Clicking his tongue, he reached down to pull Seokjin’s wrist away.

“Let me take care of you, hyung.”

Seokjin’s eyebrows furrowed, glaring as a moment of pleasure was taken away from him. The look in his eyes was one of a challenge. “Don’t be a brat, Guk.”

Another wave of arousal washed over Jeongguk. This was what he liked about Seokjin. On a normal day, the eldest never made anything easy, always playfully pushing Jeongguk’s buttons. On a normal day, Seokjin like this was fun. Entertaining.

But laid out before him, naked and hard - taunting Jeongguk - Seokjin was tantalizing. Jeongguk wanted to take him apart, have his teasing pout parted in a constant moan of his name.

He let go of his wrist, instead moving his hand to the back of Seokjin’s head, threading his fingers in the man’s hair before tightening his grip.

“Ahh-”

Jeongguk muffled the moan with a hard kiss before releasing his hold.

He moved in between Seokjin’s spread legs, hooking one over his shoulder.

“Jeongguk, come on. Do something,” the man beneath him goaded.

A light and quick smack to Seokjin’s ass silenced him. “I’m getting there.”

He poured the lube over his fingers quickly, warming it up impatiently. When Seokjin started to tease hi again, he circled his rim with one finger before suddenly pushing it inside. It had the desired effect, with Seokjin choking on a harsh groan.

“You ok?” he checked in, afraid of having crossed boundaries.

[ignoring that the entire night was a violation of boundaries]

“Yes,” Seokjin panted, “keep going.”

One finger became two, eventually three. Jeongguk’s eyes rarely left Seokjin’s face, memorizing every reaction. Oh, Seokjin likes it when I twist it like this and Oh, Seokjin moans when I touch him here were little tidbits that he would keep forever.

“Please, Jeongguk. Fuck, please.”

Oh, Seokjin is not above begging.

There were no thoughts on how they wouldn’t be able to come back from this. The possible consequences this action would bring. The probability that this would enable future mistakes.

No, Jeongguk could only think about Seokjin.

Once he rolled the condom on, he brought his cock to Seokjin’s entrance and immediately sunk in. He tried to go slow, not knowing when was the last time Seokjin had been in this position, stretched like this. Seokjin’s eyes were shut tight and he hissed as Jeongguk pushed in deeper, making the younger stop.

“No, it’s ok. Keep going.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want it to hurt.”

Seokjin opened his eyes, laughing breathlessly. “I like it like this. Just don’t stop, please.”

Still, Jeongguk took his time, gradually moving in and out until one final roll of his hips had them meeting Seokjin’s ass.

“Fuck.”

No, there would be no coming back from this at all.

Seokjin’s hands gripped on his biceps as he threw his head back, and Jeongguk basked in it. Luxuriated in how warm Seokjin felt around him, that he could make Seokjin feel this way, that the sounds coming from Seokjin belonged to him now.

He thrust in and out, eventually letting go of Seokjin’s leg to bring their lips together, dipping his tongue inside of Seokjin’s mouth once more. Something ignited within him, something he couldn’t understand, and all of it poured into the way he kissed and fucked Seokjin.

He moved with roughness, worried that he would leave bruises on Seokjin’s hips and thighs, but he couldn’t hold himself back. And when he felt Seokjin’s fingers carving lines into his back, Jeongguk realized that maybe he liked the pain too.

“Hyung, you feel so good,” he groaned into his ear, reveling in how tightly Seokjin would clench around his cock, how well his hips pushed back on Jeongguk's thrusts.

Seokjin only moaned in response.

Yet, there was still some gentleness. In the way he ran his tongue over Seokjin’s lip, trying to soothe it from his bites. In the way Seokjin’s toes grazed over his bare calf. He moved slower, drunk on every sound and touch, on the warmth of Seokjin. When Seokjin's moans gave way to staccato gasps and his roaming hands tightened on Jeongguk's hips, Jeongguk knew he was getting close. 

“Jeongguk,” Seokjin pleaded underneath him, "make me come." Jeongguk, eager to please, slipped his hand between their bodies, taking hold of Seokjin’s cock. It felt heavy and hot in his hand, pulsing as he began to stroke it in rhythm with his thrusts. Up, down, in, out, and Seokjin made sounds that stole Jeongguk’s breath from his lungs, made him move faster, more desperately. Seokjin squeezed down on one particular thrust and then –

A euphoric bliss washed over Jeongguk, an ecstasy he never wanted to let go of. Warm liquid painted his hand, but he could barely even feel it as his high completely took over, up, down, in, out.

The shame didn’t reach them just yet. No, Seokjin still brought his arms around Jeongguk’s neck to pull him down for a kiss, and Jeongguk let himself be led. There were still toothy kisses and panting breaths stained on to each other’s sated skin.

Seokjin held Jeongguk’s face in his hands, caressing him as if he were something precious. They stared at each other with a softness that was wholly inappropriate for the moment.

Slowly, he pulled out. Slowly, he sat up. “Let me just throw the condom away and get something to clean us up.” Slowly, Seokjin’s eyes closed, nodding his head.

Jeongguk went into the bathroom and tossed the used condom into the trash bin, and rummaged through Seokjin’s shelves for a small wash towel.

But as he ran it through warm water, everything shifted.

He caught himself in the mirror, naked and sweaty, a red mark on his collarbone. At first, he smirked at the sight, but another look at himself, at his state in Seokjin's - Seokjin's - bathroom, had something in his chest caving. 

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

He felt his stomach drop, his lungs struggling to breathe as the overwhelming gravity of what he had done mangling something deep within him. Had he not said hours ago that he didn’t think he could be with anyone during his break from Yoongi?

Yoongi. Yoongi.

Barely three days after they separated had passed, and he had already fucked someone else.

His oldest friend, you asshole.

The warm water turned scalding hot and it snapped him out of his spiral. He blinked out of his unfocused gaze and realized that he had been in the bathroom for far too long.

He had no idea how to face Seokjin in his panic but the thought of having left him alone with drying cum forced him out of the bathroom and into the living room.

But the shame, it seemed, had claimed Seokjin, too.

The Seokjin he found had wrapped his arms around his knees, his head tucked into his body.

“Hyung?” he whispered, afraid that anything louder would break whatever protective shield Seokjin was trying to hide himself in.

The elder lifted his head.

“Hyung, hyung. It’s ok. It’s ok.” Jeongguk rushed to Seokjin’s side at the sight of wet eyes, but Seokjin barely acknowledged him, simply taking the washcloth from Jeongguk’s hand to wipe himself down.

“It’s not,” was all he said in response, his voice emotionless.

And it wasn’t, and Jeongguk knew this, but he couldn’t let Seokjin punish himself either.

“Hyung, we can figure this out. It’ll be ok.” Could they? The only thing saving Jeongguk from his own breakdown was Seokjin’s distress, but he would say anything to ease Seokjin’s anxious state.

Seokjin looked at him, finally, his own breathing rapid and erratic as well. 

“I think you should go,” he said, quietly but firmly.

Jeongguk shook his head. No, he wouldn’t abandon Seokjin in this state.

But no words left his mouth.

Seokjin stood, his caramel hair mussed and his peach skin still tinged pink, and picked Jeongguk’s clothes up off the floor.

“I need to shower, and you … you should go,” he said, with more assertiveness in his tone.

“I don’t want to leave you like this,” he whispered.

“Please, Guk,” he begged, before taking a muted second to compose himself. “You’re, um, definitely sober enough, and this- I can’t have you here right now.”  

Seokjin shoved the clothes into Jeongguk’s hands, avoiding any touch, and shuffled away to the bathroom, not once looking back at Jeongguk.

"Seokjin!"

The bathroom door slamming shut was Seokjin's only response. 

Seokjin leaned against the bathroom door, waiting for the sound of the front door opening and closing. Once he heard Jeongguk leave, a ragged gasp fell from his mouth.

This didn’t happen, it didn’t happen. You didn’t do this.

He stepped backwards until his legs hit the toilet, and sat down to stabilize himself. But upon seeing the used condom in the trash, another wave of shame surged within him.

He was supposed to be getting over Jeongguk, and yet, as soon as the smallest opportunity to have something he should have never wanted came within reach, he gave in to something he thought he would never do.

He didn’t think. It was that simple. As soon as Jeongguk kissed him, as soon as he put his hands on Seokjin, he surrendered to the feeling and rode the high until his orgasm faded away.

He should have stopped it, but the guilt stems from the fact that he had wanted it, all of it, all of Jeongguk.

No, no, this didn’t happen.

But he could feel the soreness starting to settle into his thighs and the raw sensitivity all over his neck. He could still feel Jeongguk inside him, his hands all over him, his hips between his legs.

It had felt so easy, like Jeongguk could read him perfectly, like their bodies just understood each other-

Seokjin shook his head.

No, that’s not true, you’re just justifying it to yourself.

It hurt that it felt good. It hurt that he hadn’t even realized how deep his want for Jeongguk ran. It hurt that he could have stopped it, multiple times, and chose not to. It hurt that he had done this to Yoongi.

And fuck, he had only said yes to the dinner because Yoongi had asked him to look out for Jeongguk. Hyung, he’ll come to you, Yoongi had said when Seokjin called to check in, be there for him. He should have said no, he should have made him go home after the kiss, he should have, he should have-

But as disgusted with himself as he was, his traitorous mind was already committing every touch and every look of genuine affection to memory.

No, he couldn’t let it. He wouldn’t let it. He quickly stood up and turned on the shower, uncaring that he was in the guest bathroom and not in his own. He would wash all of it away, all of the kisses and the cum and the lube and the sweat and the touches that he had been greedy for. Everything that had been a betrayal to Yoongi.

It didn’t happen, nothing happened.

Days passed, and he felt nothing like himself as currents of shame continued to pull him down to the abyss. All he could see when he looked in the mirror was someone who would betray a friend's trust and someone who would take advantage of a friend that had come to him upset and heartbroken. And for what? Just because he liked Jeongguk?

There were days he couldn't sleep, days he couldn't eat, and everything bled into each other until he had enough of the wracking guilt. 

He hadn't even called Yoongi to ask if he would be home - it was a decision borne entirely out of impulse, an overwhelming need to unburden himself to the person that he had wronged.  

He knocked on the apartment door, forcing himself to breathe evenly and maintain the courage to come clean.

He could do it. 

He could do it.

He needed to do it.

The Yoongi that opened the door had a beer in his hand and greeted him with dull and passive eyes, a small smile stretching his lips at the sight of Seokjin.

“Is this you checking in on me and making sure I’m still taking care of myself? Because I promise you that Hoba’s two calls a day are perfectly handling that all on their own.”

Seokjin’s courage wilted.

“Are you drinking alone?” he asked as a greeting.

Yoongi followed Seokjin's fixed stare to his beer and rolled his eyes. “Relax. This is the only drink I’ve had all night, and it’s literally as a reward for finishing a track like five minutes ago. I’m not hiding in the darkness drinking myself into a stupor.”

Seokjin stepped into the apartment, nerves bubbling underneath his skin. Like snowflakes melting upon contact, he could feel his will dissolving as it began to approach the actual reality of a confession. 

There was music playing softly from the living room, something that sounded chill and soothing, similar to the music Yoongi used to listen to in university when he was in his more melancholic moods.

Yoongi walked into his kitchen as Seokjin toed his shoes off, and by the time Seokjin made it into the living room, there was a beer waiting for him as well.

I have to tell you something, he had half-assed composed on the ride over, you’re going to hate me, but you deserve to know.

He sat on the sofa next to Yoongi, taking the beer into his hands but his throat felt too thick to drink any of it.

Before I start, I need to tell you that I like Jeongguk. As more than a friend.

“It hasn’t even been a week, you guys really don’t need to worry,” Yoongi said after taking a sip. “It sucks, but it’ll turn out ok.”

I’ve had these feelings for a few months now. But I’ve been trying to get rid of them, I never wanted them to get in the way of anything.

“Just because you’re optimistic doesn’t mean it isn’t painful now,” he muttered.

“I know, but you don’t understand, hyung,” Yoongi said emotionlessly. “It was painful before, too.”

I’m sorry I never said anything before, I was too embarrassed.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” And he couldn’t tell if the question was pulled from genuine concern or a defensive attempt to cast blame on Yoongi too.

“Because I told myself that it was all fine. That it was just a rough patch, but it wasn’t. It felt more and more suffocating every day.”

I met up with Jeongguk on Wednesday, like you asked.

Hesitatingly, Seokjin posed a question. “Do you still love him?”

Yoongi smiled sadly. “Of course I do. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. The break is to save our relationship, hyung. To give us some breathing room from the pressure.”

After dinner, I told Jeongguk he should stay because I didn’t want him driving.

Seokjin looked away to say the next part. “Jeongguk said you guys gave each other freedom to, um, do whatever you want.”

Yoongi paused, and when he opened his mouth to speak again, his voice came out softer than before. “Yeah. Well. Sometimes I feel like Guk is so young, you know? He’s smart, but I just want him to figure himself out, that’s all. I scared him with the whole moving-in thing, but maybe once he gets to see what else is out there, he’ll be more confident about our future.”

I don’t know how it happened. One minute we were talking, and then. We kissed. I didn’t stop it.

“But what about you?” Seokjin asked, allowing himself to momentarily pretend that he was a decent friend. “You can’t just be doing all of this for him if it’s going to hurt you.”

Yoongi looked away, sighing. “I’ll live my life. I really do think we’ll be stronger because of this, hyung. I trust him to come back to me.”

I slept with him. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

"He'll come back," was all that Seokjin could bring himself to say.

He couldn’t do it. Maybe he was a coward, maybe he was lying to himself, but he couldn’t burden Yoongi with something that would destroy his faith in Jeongguk just so that he could release some of his guilt.

“It’ll be good,” Yoongi quietly repeated to himself. “We’ll be fine.”

Seokjin couldn’t find it within himself to contact Jeongguk at all, but Jeongguk never called or messaged him either. They couldn't even manage to volley memes back and forth in their group chat. 

The complete collapse in communication was fine. Ideal, actually, for Seokjin’s efforts in convincing himself that the night had never happened. That it had meant nothing.

Yet when they all visited a tailor shop to get their wedding suit measurements, Seokjin quickly realized how half-assed those efforts had been.

Stiff hellos were exchanged and they avoided each other at every step, deliberately staying far apart and averting their gazes from one another.

And it was obvious that they were doing a terrible job of hiding their discomfort, as Seokjin caught almost every questioning glance - including Yoongi's - thrown their way. He almost collapsed when he saw Yoongi approach Jeongguk, the words ‘is everything okay’ easily readable from his lips. 

“Hey, what the fuck is going on?” Jimin hissed at him after the two were the first to have their measurements finished.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answered flatly as he zipped his jacket up, hoping his hands weren’t visibly shaking.

Jimin narrowed his eyes, his glare burning through Seokjin’s conscience. “Look, if you’re fighting with Gukie, then figure it out. It’s awkward enough with him and Yoongi-hyung and … whatever they’re doing, plus you and Tae are, like, still operating at 80% normalcy. We don’t need you two acting as if the other doesn’t exist over a stupid fight. And I swear to fucking god, Kim Seokjin, if it’s related to another video game thing, I’m putting the both of you on shit duty at the wedding.”

Somehow, Seokjin found it within him to laugh at the ridiculous threat, but Jimin’s words felt like a splash of cold water. So much existed outside of what happened between him and Jeongguk, and he owed it to everything else to try to fix it.

“I’ll talk to him.”

But he didn’t. Not right away. Even if he missed Jeongguk terribly, every time he thought about contacting the younger, memories of that night came rushing back.

He wished so badly to undo it. The touches and the kisses and the feeling of Jeongguk no longer mattered. At least before, even if he was keeping his distance as he battled his own feelings, he still had Jeongguk as a friend. He could look at Yoongi with something of a clear conscience. 

Now, he didn’t even have that, and he had no idea if he could ever have, or want for, it back.  

He let one day turn to the next, hoping that time would dull everything from that night.

It didn't. 

It was Jeongguk who called instead. 

Hyung, we should talk, he said.

Hyung, I miss you, he added.

I’m sorry for what happened, he offered.

I want us to talk. Can we meet?

Yeah. Sure.

They met at a coffee shop near Seokjin’s apartment, the kind of overpriced spot that would usually make Jeongguk pout at Seokjin until he offered to pay for them both. He paid for his own drink that day. 

“I’m sorry,” Seokjin started after a long moment of torturous silence, looking at each other only to look away. “It was my fault.” Jeongguk opened his mouth to respond, but Seokjin continued speaking. “You were in a vulnerable moment-”

Jeongguk’s eyes widened.

“Don’t do that. Hyung, I- I kissed you. I asked to take it further. You did everything you could to comfort me and I- I put you in this position. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“You didn't force me. I said yes,” Seokjin said quietly. “I’m older. I should have been more responsible-”

“Hyung, stop,” Jeongguk said, frustrated, “Don’t treat me like that, not you. We fucked up. Fine. You want to take the blame? Well, I do too. Let’s just agree that we both weren’t thinking.”

“No, we definitely weren’t,” Seokjin wryly agreed, finally taking a sip from his coffee. Another lull in the conversation, and then: “Are you going to tell him?”

Jeongguk closed his eyes, and it was then that Seokjin noticed the dark circles underneath them. “I don’t know. I feel like I should.” He opened his eyes again, and his face looked so innocent and lost. “We fucked up but it was a one-time thing, right? If it would hurt him to know, then … fuck, I don’t know.”

Seokjin tried to not take the words personally. After all, he regretted it too. He didn’t want to hurt Yoongi either. But hearing Jeongguk insinuate it as a mistake was agonizing as well. He hated that he was wounded by that, that a part of him was giving space to hurt when he should only be disgusted by what he had done.

“I went to his place a few days after we-” he motioned between them with his hand, not wanting to say the words. “I wanted to tell him. But … I couldn’t. It’s like you said. I didn’t want to hurt him.”

“Oh ... How was he?”

“Ok. All things considering.”

Jeongguk nodded, processing. “I … I am sorry, hyung. Not just for ... that, but for how I left. I felt like I abandoned you when you were freaking out.”

“No, Guk, I wanted you to go.”

“Did it actually help? For me to leave?”

It hadn’t.

“Yeah. Showering calmed me down. Then I had to do some stretching anyways and that helped too.”

A short, unexpected laugh erupted from Jeongguk, surprising Seokjin. The younger look shocked by it as well. “Sorry, it’s just … the sofa was probably the worst place to … do that. It’s stiff as hell.”

It wasn't even funny. Not really. Seokjin shouldn't laugh at a horrible thing he was trying to forget. He knew all of this and yet he still gave a small smile in response.

“Shut up, Sofia was fine," he muttered. "I’m just old.”

Jeongguk shook his head slightly, a bit more relaxed now than he had been earlier. “I don’t know what came over us, but … I don’t want this to ruin everything.”

“It won’t, Jeongguk,” he said. He hoped.

“So … we don’t ... mention it,” Jeongguk said slowly, trying to gauge Seokjin’s reaction. “We just … move on.”

Seokjin forced a smile to signal his agreement. This was what he had wanted too, right?

“Yeah. I think that’s best. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to lose you either, Guk.”

“You won’t,” the younger quickly responded. “I just want things to be normal between us, hyung. I miss you.”

That, at least, gave Seokjin reassurance. And maybe it was just a matter of pretending until they were over it, and Seokjin could do that. He could pretend.

“I miss you too, Guk. Friends?”

Jeongguk smiled, easy and soft. “Friends,” he nodded.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, hyung,” Jeongguk huffed in his ear before taking his lobe in between his teeth. Seokjin moaned, arching himself into Jeongguk’s body and tilting his head back against the wall.

Not again, not again, but all protests in Seokjin’s mind were smothered when Jeongguk’s mouth moved down to his neck, dropping wet kisses around the fake pearl necklace that he had worn during Jimin’s birthday party.

They had agreed to forget and move on. For a few days, Seokjin honestly tried. They started to text each other again, and Seokjin even allowed Jeongguk to pick him up from work, and they were fine. At night, when Seokjin was alone with his thoughts, he told himself that he didn’t have feelings for Jeongguk anymore, that he had only been confused by an immature crush.

So when the day of Jimin’s birthday party rolled around, Seokjin told himself it was okay to go with Jeongguk. Because the birthday had fallen during the week, the celebration had been held off until the weekend, with Taehyung planning a do-it-yourself costume party at Namjoon and Jimin’s apartment. Yoongi, who had already celebrated Jimin’s birthday by taking him and Namjoon out to dinner on the actual day, would be missing the party to finalize some things for his New York trip, and Seokjin hated that a part of him felt relieved that he wouldn’t have to be in the presence of alcohol, Yoongi, and Jeongguk together.

As soon as Jeongguk and Seokjin arrived, a Hoseok wearing a police hat and a rainbow vest shoved them through the crowds of people and towards the spare bedroom.

“You’re not allowed into the party until you put an outfit together!” Hoseok screamed as he shut the bedroom door, leaving them with four giant storage bins overflowing with cheap costumes and accessories.

“What are you going to dress as?” Seokjin asked as he eyed the boxes. He could spot feather boas, cowboy hats, and flowy Joseon robes, and he knew immediately that Taehyung had picked everything out himself.

Jungkook grabbed hold of a Hawaiian shirt, looking at it questioningly before placing it back in the bin. “Something cool, hyung,” he answered, a cheeky grin on his face. “Obviously."

The way they had easily reverted to their dynamic was slightly unsettling to Seokjin, but he told himself that he was overthinking it. This was good. This was normal, the way it should be.  

“Mm, I forgot that our Jeonggukie is the coolest that there is,” Seokjin lightheartedly teased, rummaging through plastic crowns and giant sunglasses until he came across pink satin fabric. He pulled on it, easing it out of the bin until it was fully in his hands, a pink satin robe with a giant white heart on the back and the words ‘Ana’s Bachelorette Party Vegas 2015!’ written in pink lettering over the heart.

“Jeongguk-ah, you know some English. What does this say?”

Jeongguk looked over and laughed, crawling over to take the robe from Seokjin’s hands. “It’s from a bachelorette party. I guess the bride gave these robes to her friends to celebrate.”

“Well, it’s mine now,” Seokjin sang, peeling off his top so that he could slip the robe on, not wanting to risk tearing it on the shoulders by having a thick sweater on underneath.

It wasn’t until he heard a sharp inhale from Jeongguk that he realized what he had done. He stiffened immediately, unable to look at his friend.

No, it’s fine. It’s fine. Friends change in front of each other all the time.

“It’ll look good on you,” Jeongguk said in a low voice before clearing his throat.

Seokjin slid the robe on quickly, his eyes still avoiding Jeongguk’s direction, and tied it tightly around his waist.

Shake it off. Don’t make it awkward. It’s fine.

His hands dove back into the box, desperate to find anything that he could make a meaningless conversation out of.

“Guk, what about this for you?”

He pulled out an old fencing uniform from one of the bins, along with a plastic medieval sword. It seemed to be about his size and it was perfectly white with no stains, which Seokjin knew Jeongguk would appreciate. There was an Italian flag stitched on the right arm, and the letters ITA covered the back.

He lifted it up proudly and sighed in relief as the younger’s tense face finally melted into a bright smile.

“I love it, especially the sword,” he laughed. “Do you think it will go with this?” he asked, tugging on a plastic Cuban link necklace that he must have put on while Seokjin was trying to distract himself.

Seokjin gasped in dramatic awe. “If anything, I think more fencers should wear chains.”

He handed the fencing outfit and the sword to Jeongguk, who looked at the clothes in his hand before slowly lifting his gaze back to Seokjin.

Immediately understanding his questioning eyes, Seokjin scrambled to his feet. “Oh, um. I’ll leave so that you can change.”

“Wait,” Jeongguk’s voice stopped him before he opened the door. “It’s fine. We’re friends, right? Just … stay in case I need help putting it on.”

Seokjin nodded, an uneasy warmth spreading underneath his skin. He looked away, knowing that one look at Jeongguk’s body would bring back images and sensations that he was working hard to forget, and focused instead on taking off his jeans and switching them for a pair of white lounge pants.

You don’t like him. It’s a crush, it’s nothing.

He could hear the rustling of clothes and assumed that Jeongguk was taking off his shirt and jeans. He continued to stare hard at the ground as Jeongguk obviously struggled with the uniform.

“Wow, this has a lot of parts,” he heard Jeongguk mumble to himself.

“Do you need help?”

“No, I got it.”

More rustling and then a sigh of satisfaction. “Ok, it’s on. Can you zip the back for me?”

Seokjin turned around and was met by the sight of Jeongguk in fencing gear and he instantly hated himself for suggesting it in the first place. The uniform fit him like a glove, and somehow the piercings on his face and the chain around his neck didn’t look out of place at all.

Seokjin averted his gaze as he moved behind Jeongguk, and his fingers fumbled as they grabbed hold of the zipper. He pulled the zipper up carefully, worried that it might break easily with its age, but the choice forced him to see how the uniform would hug the younger’s waist and back as it was properly fit to his body.

He cleared his throat once he had readjusted the link chain so that it wasn’t caught inside the jacket.

“There! All done!” he said, far too loudly.   

Jeongguk turned around and raised his hand between them, in it a plastic pink pearl necklace.

“Um. I also found this. I think it fits your look,” he said, his eyes on Seokjin’s neck before he dragged them up to his face. “Can I put it on you?”

This is dangerous. This is toeing too close to the line, Seokjin.

But friends can put accessories on each other, so Seokjin nodded yes.

Jeongguk stepped closer, his eyes dark. Gently, he placed the necklace on Seokjin’s neck, and the plastic pearls felt cool against his bare collarbones. He could feel Jeongguk’s fingers brushing against the back of his neck as they struggled to clasp the necklace together.

“You can move closer if you need a better look.”

The words were spoken on their own volition, out before Seokjin could take them back, even though he knew he could easily clasp the necklace on himself.

But Jeongguk only nodded and brought his head closer, hovering over the spot where Seokjin’s shoulder met his neck. Seokjin could feel every soft breath that Jeongguk took.

Eventually, after what felt like a lifetime, the sound of a locked necklace clicked.

Jeongguk, however, didn’t move away. Neither did Seokjin.

Instead, his hands rested on Seokjin’s neck, and his thumbs gently rubbed small circles into the skin. Seokjin tried to keep his breathing even, to not move at all, lest the smallest movement burst this fragile bubble between them.

When Jeongguk brought his face back up, his eyes were still on Seokjin’s neck, cloudy and unfocused. When Seokjin involuntarily swallowed, Jeongguk’s eyes followed the movement along his throat.

“Jeongguk,” Seokjin said faintly, slowly bringing his head forward until their noses brushed against each other. Jeongguk slipped his hands off of Seokjin’s neck, smoothly dragging them down to Seokjin’s hips as fire erupted inside of Seokjin. Unconsciously, Seokjin brought his own hands to Jeongguk’s forearms, not to push them away, as he should have done, but simply to rest them there. Their breathing fastened as their faces tilted towards each other.

He shouldn’t. Not again. Stop this.

Someone knocked on the door.

The bubble burst.

“Are you two done? We have guests who are waiting!” Hoseok shouted.

As if they had been stung by reality, they both instantaneously jumped away from each other. When Seokjin looked at Jeongguk, the younger opened his mouth with words at the tip of his tongue, but the door handle turned before anything could be said.

Hoseok’s head popped in. “My bros! Are you done?”  

Jeongguk nodded, his eyes narrowing on Seokjin.

As they exited the bedroom, Seokjin mumbled something about looking for Jimin, anything to get away from whatever almost just happened as quickly as possible.  

But as he turned to walk away, he felt a hand on his wrist. Jeongguk looked at him with unreadable eyes.

“I’ll go with you.”

It seemed that the large guest list had included Jimin’s nursing school friends, some colleagues from the hospital turned friends, and some of Namjoon’s friends from work. As they walked through the maze that was Namjoon and Jimin’s condo, Jeongguk placed his hand in the small of Seokjin’s back, guiding him. ‘Don’t want to lose you,’ he whispered into his ear, the volume of the music having made it impossible to speak with greater distance.  

They found Jimin and Namjoon on the balcony, Jimin in a Peter Pan shirt and a crown, and Namjoon wearing medical scrubs with a dinosaur print.

“Happy birthday, Jimin-ssi,” Seokjin said, embracing the giggling man tightly.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!” He screamed as Seokjin gently handed him over to Jeongguk so that they could hug as well.

“Min and Tae did five shots earlier,” Namjoon explained with an endeared tone, “one for every five years he’s been on earth.”

“25 YEARS!” Jimin screamed, stumbling a little until he was back in Namjoon’s arms.

“Wow, you’re definitely gone, aren’t you?” Jeongguk asked as Jimin grabbed his hands to swing them around.

“He’ll be okay,” Namjoon chuckled, “but I thought it would be a good idea to bring him out for a bit so that he could get some fresh air. Don’t want him passing out before we even sing him happy birthday.”

“Hyung’s the best, he loves me so m-much,” Jimin cried as he buried his face in Namjoon’s chest, before he pulled away with widened eyes. “Wait! Jeonggukie, go- go get Hobi-hyung and Tae! Let’s take a group picture b’fore we all lose each other. For my birthday.”

It wasn’t until Jeongguk left that Seokjin realized that, since they had exited the bedroom, the younger’s hand had never left the small of his back. He didn’t want to think about why that was, about why Jeongguk wouldn’t leave his side, about why Jeongguk had been staring at him so intensely. No, instead he asked Namjoon about any wedding updates, ignoring the questions his subconscious badly wanted answered.  

Jeongguk came back with a drunken Taehyung and an amused Hoseok, the former immediately barreling towards Seokjin as soon as their eyes met.

“Seokjin-hyung, you’re here too,” Taehyung cheered, the school uniform blazer he wore already falling off as he wrapped his arms around Seokjin’s waist.

Before Seokjin could even laugh it off, Jeongguk carefully peeled Taehyung’s arms off of him. “Ok, let’s calm down now,” he said, the words making Taehyung cackle.

“Ah, maknae, so predictable. Now, hurry, take the picture so we can go hav’ fun.”

They squeezed in together as Namjoon lifted his arm to get the right angle for the picture, everyone smiling.

For the rest of the night, they walked around, slipping in and out of different crowds for passing conversations. Their hands would brush here and there, and they would exchange knowing and entertained looks as they slowly became some of the only sober people at the party – Jeongguk because he was driving, and Seokjin out of solidarity.  

At one point, after they joined a circle with Hoseok and Jimin, Seokjin noticed one of Jimin’s coworkers approaching Jeongguk. She was beautiful and bold, and she kept grazing his arms with her fingertips and giggling into his ear.

And while Jeongguk didn’t encourage her, Seokjin observed that he didn’t push her away either, seemingly humoring her blatant flirting.

It irked at Seokjin.

Not because of jealousy - no, he could tell that Jeongguk wasn’t interested - but out of a sudden fear that he was no different from this woman. Had he not placed his hands over Jeongguk’s arms earlier? Had he not leaned in wanting more?

But then Jeongguk’s gaze would drift over to Seokjin as he spoke to her, and Seokjin hated how he felt a thrill at realizing that he was different. That whenever Seokjin looked, Jeongguk looked back.   

It was Jimin who pulled Jeongguk away and pushed him back over to Seokjin.

“Oh Guk, I know you and hyung have this ar-arrangement now,” and god, it was amazing how quickly the color drained from Seokjin’s face at Jimin’s words, “but I’m begging you. Please don’t go home with one of my coworkers, it’ll make me feel so bad,” Jimin drunkenly chided.

“I won’t,” Jeongguk calmly responded, his eyes completely on Seokjin. “I have to drive Seokjin-hyung home anyways.”

They left the party a little after two in the morning, back in their normal clothes except for the cheap, plastic necklaces they still wore.

A part of him, hidden and hated by Seokjin, but growing stronger all the same, liked how Jeongguk had looked at him when he put it on, and wanted him to look at him like that again.  

When they arrived to Seokjin’s building, Jeongguk placed his hand over Seokjin’s knee before approaching the entrance to the guest lot.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. The question was in the look that he gave Seokjin.

Whatever you’re thinking, don’t.

Seokjin nodded yes.

They were quiet when they entered Seokjin’s apartment, kicking off their shoes and putting their jackets in Seokjin’s coat closet.

They didn’t do anything right away, instead Jeongguk simply followed Seokjin as he went into the kitchen and poured them both a glass of water.

Jeongguk didn’t touch his, but Seokjin drank his completely, needing something to steady him before he spoke.  

“So, you want to fuck me again?”

Jeongguk’s eyes widened almost comically, genuinely surprised at the crass honesty of Seokjin’s words.

But Seokjin couldn't be bothered to sugarcoat anything. He was being selfish, he knew this, so he needed to hear Jeongguk say that he wanted him too. That if they were to do this, they would fall together. 

“I think if we’re going to do ‘something’ we know is wrong, we should at least be a little more direct on what we’re both thinking.”

A pause.

“I’m free to do this, you know that right?”

“Not with me.”

Jeongguk gave a mirthless laugh, leaning back on Seokjin’s fridge. “I know, but … I’m not alone in this, am I? You- That night, I thought you were just trying to be there for me, that you let me take it too far. But you want me too.”

Seokjin inhaled sharply. It was a statement, not a question. 

“I do.”

“We’ve already had sex once. Maybe that’s the problem. It created tension and now it’s just there, between us. This way, we lay it to rest. We get whatever … this … is out of our system.”

It was bullshit. Seokjin knew it, and he knew that Jeongguk knew it as well, but a part of him clung to the words anyways, wanting it to be justified.

So he nodded, agreeing far too easily. Just one more time. That was it. Seokjin could accept that. 

“Ok. But we can’t do it again after this, Jeongguk.”

“I know. Yoongi-”

“Not only because of that.”

Jeongguk’s brow furrowed at Seokjin’s interruption.

He had never planned to tell Jeongguk this, but Seokjin was so tired of hiding so much that something had to give. So, he closed his eyes, and let one wall fall.

“I have feelings for you," he said, rushing through the explanation to get the words outs before he could lose his resolve. "I’ve had them for a while. And I’m not asking anything from you. Really. I don’t need you to like me back and I don’t need this night to mean anything. But after tonight, we can’t do this again because I can’t risk growing more attached to you. So. Yeah. Because of Yoongi, but also because of me.”

When he opened his eyes, he realized that Jeongguk had stepped closer.

“Since … when?”

“Around the time I broke up with Tae. That’s why I ended it.”

“But that was July.”

Seokjin's smile was a tired one. “Yeah, so you can imagine my predicament.”

“I- I didn’t know. Hyung-”

He lifted a finger to silence him. “I don’t need anything from you, Guk. You don’t owe me anything for something that you never asked for. I’m telling you this so that you know what you’re getting into and you understand where I’m coming from.”

Jeongguk’s hand wrapped around his finger. “We don’t have to do this if it’s too much for you,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to push you.”

“You’re not,” Seokjin said, shamelessly bringing his lips to Jeongguk's ear, wanting Jeongguk to make him forget about everything that wasn't them. “Trust me to handle myself. I want this too.”

Seokjin gasped as Jeongguk fingered him open, his own nails scratching against the wall. There was an unspoken understanding that Seokjin didn’t feel comfortable doing this in his own bedroom, so they had stumbled into his guest room instead.

Wanting more, he pushed his ass back against Jeongguk’s fingers, trying to show him that he was ready.

When Jeongguk pulled out, Seokjin assumed it was to finally put on a condom, but instead Jeongguk crowded him against the wall, pulling his cheeks apart to slide his cock between them, teasing him.

It felt amazing, and also fucking infuriating.

Seokjin didn’t know Jeongguk could be like this. Before, when Seokjin didn’t care and he and Yoongi would talk about sex, Yoongi would describe Jeongguk as sweet and careful.

‘Guk’s the most gentle guy I’ve ever slept with.’

The Jeongguk behind him now was anything but soft, but that was ok - Seokjin didn’t want that Jeongguk. This would only be sex. Anything more, anything tender or caring, would add kindle to a flame that Seokjin wanted to smother out.

So, he reached behind him, grabbing hold of Jeongguk’s ass and pushing him harder against him.

“Just fuck me.”

Jeongguk huffed in his ear, amused at his impatience. He kissed his shoulder and dragged his hands up from his hips to caress his back.

“So gorgeous, hyung. Just for me.”

Seokjin whimpered at the compliment. He didn’t want it.

“Jeongguk, I’ll kick you out right now, I swear to god.”

Laughing, Jeongguk pulled away, still too slowly for Seokjin's liking. But then the sound of a foil packet ripping joined their heavy breathing, and only a few seconds passed between Seokjin seeing the wrapper fall on the floor and feeling Jeongguk push inside of him. 

The first time Jeongguk fucked him, Seokjin had been more than pleasantly surprised by how well Jeongguk filled him and how overwhelming pleasure sung in his body with every thrust. But there had been so many other emotions in the whirlwind of that night that the memory of how Jeongguk felt had gotten muddled with everything else.

But now, already willfully setting aside his conscience, Seokjin could focus completely on every stroke, and god did Jeongguk feel so fucking good inside of him. 

“That’s it, baby,” the elder encouraged, the word slipping out unintentionally. “Don’t stop.”

“Feels good,” Jeongguk said thickly, his Busan accent starting to slip out. “Fuck, how do you feel so good?”

Before Seokjin could answer, Jeongguk pulled out and turned him around.

“Want to see you.”

Seokjin nodded, lifting one leg up to hook around his waist as Jeongguk pushed in again. Jeongguk gripped his hips and pulled him down to his cock on every thrust, and Seokjin felt so full that he fell forward, wrapping his arms around Jeongguk’s neck and burying his face to nip at the skin there.

He heard Jeongguk groan, but his hand tightened in his hair and pulled his head back.

“People will ask questions,” Jeongguk panted.

Seokjin swallowed harshly and tried to not think about it, tried to keep the flickers of shame at bay, selfishly trying to stay in the moment.

“Guk, harder,” he groaned, focusing only on the pleasure he felt.

“Fuck.” Jeongguk readjusted his grip, hitching Seokjin’s knee over his elbow, reaching deeper inside of him and successfully driving out any other thought.

“Like that?”

“Mm”

“Hyung, tell me I make you feel good.”

“Good, fuck, so good, baby.”

Jeongguk changed the angle of his thrusts, grinding into Seokjin and hitting his prostate directly.

“There, Guk, there,” Seokjin moaned, digging his fingers into Jeongguk’s shoulders. It took only a couple of more thrusts for Seokjin to come with a shout.

Jeongguk leaned forward and dug his face into Seokjin’s neck, nosing at the necklace, unleashing a heavy moan into his skin as he pulsed and filled the condom.

They didn’t exchange any words as they came down from their highs, but the aftermath didn’t feel as fraught as the first time.

When Jeongguk stepped away to get rid of the condom and grab a small towel, Seokjin didn’t spiral into immediate self-disgust. He let Jeongguk clean him, and didn’t even grimace when Jeongguk dropped the dirty towel on the floor. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Jeongguk’s neck and lazily kissed him.

Neither of them sought to deepen it, they simply stood there, skin still bare and flushed, loosely holding on to each other.

When Seokjin finally removed his arms, the plastic chain necklace Jeongguk had been wearing dropped to the ground. 

Jeongguk snorted. “I can’t believe it fell off now, instead of- you know- during.”

Seokjin bent down and picked it up, placing it on the dresser next to him. He reached behind his neck to unclasp his necklace and placed it on the dresser as well.

“Well, these were probably made with the cheapest glue and plastic. It’s a miracle they didn’t come off at the party.”

“Can’t give them back now.”

Seokjin gave a faint laugh. “No, definitely not.”

Jeongguk smiled and hesitatingly let go of his waist. “So … what now?”

And as much as it pained Seokjin to say it, he knew he had to.

“It’s like you said,” he replied, his smile slightly dimming. “We just needed to release the tension.”

When Jeongguk left, Seokjin didn’t break down. He didn’t rush to the bathroom to wash everything off.

Maybe he felt less guilty because he felt this time they had ended it right. They were both in agreement in how to handle this, and they were ready to move on. 

Or. 

Maybe he felt less guilty because, well -

Get away with something once, and your pride tells you that you can get away with it again.

The confession had surprised Jeongguk. He hadn’t expected it and he had no idea how to process it. Seokjin liked him. Seokjin had feelings for him. Suddenly, the distance Seokjin had tried to impose made sense. Suddenly, the fervor that Seokjin had responded with their first time together made sense. Suddenly, everything felt clouded and distorted.

He liked sleeping with Seokjin.

[even though he knew he shouldn’t]

Seokjin liked him.

[which didn’t scare him as much as it should]

But Jeongguk loved Yoongi.

[then why was he doing something that would hurt him?]

But Jeongguk had been the one to make a move on Seokjin, which meant-

What, exactly?

He was attracted to Seokjin. He found comfort in Seokjin. He trusted Seokjin.

 [maybe, wrongly, he liked him too.]

A part of him almost began to hate himself for sleeping with Seokjin a second time, not only because of Yoongi and what they were risking, but because he felt that he had inadvertently used Seokjin’s feelings against him.

But then he remembered how Seokjin had asked him to respect that he knew himself enough to know what he wanted. It was a plea that Jeongguk had made himself countless times before, and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to respect it from someone else.

So, if Seokjin was ok with everything, then Jeongguk had no reason to be unconvinced by anything. They had fucked, and maybe it was a mistake, but it was done and out of their system. With everything out in the open now - at least, between them - they could go back to normal. 

He still texted with Yoongi every now and then, checking in to see if the other was okay or – now that he had left for New York - to ask about how his trip was going, but with neither of them being great texters their conversations were at a minimum.

Regardless of their complicated status, he was proud of Yoongi, at how he never shied away from taking a chance on himself and his art and he only hoped that he could one day have that much faith in his work. Even if his recent actions contradicted it, he still wanted Yoongi to be happy.

They had all gathered at a rooftop bar to give Yoongi a proper send-off the night before he left for New York. Despite the awkwardness of their separation and the guilt he carried over what he and Seokjin had done, he mustered up enough courage to approach his estranged boyfriend. To hug him and wish him the best.

“Thanks, Guk,” Yoongi murmured, holding on tight to Jeongguk.

“I can’t wait to hear everything you work on, hyung. You’re going do so many cool things and meet so many cool people,” Jeongguk said as he stepped back.

“None as cool as you.” Yoongi said it with his usual casualness, eliciting a small chuckle from Jeongguk.

“I’ll miss you,” he said sincerely. Even if they had seen and spoken to each other less and less over the past month, it didn’t mean that Jeongguk wouldn’t feel the complete absence of someone who he had been with for almost two years.

“Jagiya, I’ll miss you, too.”  

A laugh caught his attention as he spoke with Yoongi, and he glanced across the bar to see Seokjin, bright against the Seoul skyline, doubling over at something that Taehyung had said.  

“I’ll see you when I get back?” Yoongi asked, startling him.

“I’ll be here.”  

A couple of days into November, he had picked Seokjin up to go over to Jimin and Namjoon’s for dinner, the four ordering in stew to warm them up now that the season had turned chillier.

The dinner had been fairly ordinary, until Namjoon got up to use the restroom and Jimin turned to Jeongguk with nervous eyes.

“What?” Jeongguk asked, suddenly tense with the change in Jimin’s demeanor.

“Joon-hyung is going to kill me to for telling you this, but- I- you should know-”

His eyes briefly met with Seokjin’s as he set his spoon down, unsure of what Jimin was trying to say, but giving him the time to get it out.

“I know I haven’t been the best at really understanding what you and Yoongi-hyung are doing, because, like, when I broke up with Joon I immediately regretted it, but you two have been on this break for a month now and you both act like it’s whatever, and maybe it is, maybe I’m only seeing it from my experiences-”

“Hyung,” Jeongguk interrupted, anxious and worried. “Breathe.”

Jimin nodded, and inhaled deeply.

“I saw Yoongi-hyung. With someone else.”

Jeongguk wouldn’t be able to describe what he felt in the moment that Jimin said those words. Like a fragile piece of pottery breaking and revealing the hollow inside.

He looked up to see Seokjin’s mouth dropped open, disbelief on his face.

“What do you mean?” the eldest asked, tone deep but even.

Jimin bit his lip and looked back into the hallway, as if he were checking that Namjoon wasn’t coming back just yet. “I went over last Sunday to drop off some stuff Joonie-hyung wanted to give him for his New York trip, and, well, I knocked and no one answered so I figured he was asleep, and I was like, ‘ok, I’ll just go in and set it somewhere’ but when I opened the door, um,” he began to fidget in his seat while Jeongguk sat very, very still. “I walked towards his bedroom, and the door was open, and- he was in there with someone else. He didn’t see me, but I saw … everything.”

“Oh.” But before Jeongguk could further respond, he looked up and saw Namjoon standing at the end of the hallway, clearly distressed.

“Minnie, I thought we agreed to not tell him!”

“Jimin,” there was an undertone of anger in Seokjin’s voice, and Jeongguk could tell that he was trying to keep calm. “That’s Yoongi’s business, you have no right to tell us.”

“He deserves to know, he’s still his boyfriend!” And Jimin’s eyes were panicked, as if he was unsure if he had done the right thing, and Jeongguk didn’t want him to feel guilty for looking out for him. 

“I appreciate what you’re doing, but … he’s allowed, hyung,” he said, but his voice sounded strange to his own ears.

Grim, curious questions ran through his head. In all honesty, he had never expected Yoongi to take advantage of that part of their new arrangement given that Yoongi had offered it for Jeongguk’s benefit.

But the fact that they had both already slept with other people felt damning. It didn’t have to mean anything, he knew that. It could have just been sex. Yoongi’s social circle was fairly small, and Jeongguk couldn’t really think of anyone that Yoongi would hook up with or anyone that he would be remotely interested in.

Well, would he ever guess that you would sleep with Seokjin?

“Ok I get that, but aren’t you two at least going to try to fight for your relationship? You still love him, don’t you?”

Jeongguk picked up his spoon again and mindlessly swirled his soup with it, unable to look at anyone, especially Seokjin, as he processed the question. He did love Yoongi, of course he did, he would always love Yoongi.

“We decided on the break so that we could have breathing room from our expectations of one another, to think about who we are and what we want when we’re not worrying about hurting each other’s feelings. You don’t have to understand it, but it’s what we agreed to.”

“And that’s perfectly valid, Guk. Every couple works things out in their own way,” Namjoon said gently, trying to temper the tension. “And I don’t think anyone has any right to judge, especially any of us.”

Jeongguk nodded awkwardly, only to shift his gaze towards Seokjin.

His eyes were downcast, and there was a guarded expression on his face half-hidden by his black baseball cap.

“I’m sorry if I’m putting you on the spot,” Jimin said, interrupting Jeongguk’s thoughts. “I know- I mean, like I personally know that relationships and emotions can be complicated and overwhelming. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk cleared his throat. “It’s ok, hyung.”

“You’re just looking out for everyone, Jiminie,” Seokjin added, his voice far away.

There was an awkward moment of silence until Namjoon spoke again.

“I know this might be hard to ask, but if you could try to forget what Jimin told you. It really wasn’t our place to say anything, and you two will have a better shot of getting through this if we don’t interfere.”

Jeongguk gripped his spoon. There were so many secrets now that had accumulated in such a short amount of time.

He looked at Seokjin again.

“It’s already forgotten, hyung.”

There was silence in the car as he drove Seokjin home, a blur of city lights passing by them as they both stared straight ahead.

“It probably doesn’t mean anything,” Seokjin said suddenly, murmuring, “he loves you, you know that.”

“I know,” Jeongguk responded, his hands tight on the steering wheel. “It’s still weird though.”

“It’s okay if you feel-”

“I know,” Jeongguk snapped, cutting him off, instantly feeling guilty at doing so. “I’m sorry. It’s just- I’m not mad. I’m just … shocked,” he said, processing his emotions as he voiced them.

He knew that Seokjin was forcing himself to be there for Jeongguk in a way that was unfair to Seokjin, that he would give Jeongguk advice on how to protect his relationship with Yoongi even with his feelings and that he would blame himself for any doubts that Jeongguk had. And yes, maybe Seokjin was his own person who could make his own decisions, but Jeongguk had made it incredibly easy for him to fall. He didn’t want or need Seokjin to feel that he had to help Jeongguk through this.

He glanced down and saw Seokjin’s hand on the seat console, and the urge to hold it arose.

“You know what’s the most fucked up part of it all?”

“What?”

Jeongguk exhaled deeply. “A part of me feels a little relieved,” he confessed. “We’re both free to do what we want. So why shouldn’t we?”

Seokjin didn’t respond to that, but Jeongguk could feel his eyes on him. He assumed that Seokjin was gathering his thoughts, trying to come up with something helpful to say, but instead-

“Can you pull over at the first convenience store we pass?”

Jeongguk snapped his eyes over to Seokjin, baffled. “Sure? But we can go to my building's GS-”

“Mm,” Seokjin shook his head. “I want ice cream now.”

“It’s … November,” Jeongguk said, shooting him a strange look, even more confused than he was before, but he had never been one to deny Seokjin anything.

“Ok,” Jeongguk muttered, “ice cream now.”

They parked in front of a tiny corner stone, quickly buying melona bars and rushing back to the car to escape the cold, but Seokjin grabbed his hand before he could go to the driver’s seat, pulling him to the back instead.

Jeongguk crawled in after him, the two shuffling around in the backseat until they were both sitting side by side.  

“Just don’t get any ice cream on the seats, hyung.”

Seokjin huffed and dramatically rolled his eyes. “I won’t, you dictator.”

They unwrapped their ice bars and ate silently for a few minutes, the sounds of licking and chewing the only disturbance to the quietude.

“Did you know that red has the longest wavelength in the color spectrum?” Seokjin asked after a moment, his eyes on the convenience store’s flashing red and blue neon lights. “We can see red farther away compared to any other color, so that’s why it’s chosen to mean stop.”

It was sudden and unrelated to anything, so Jeongguk could only laugh. “Where did you even learn that?”

Seokjin took a pause. “From Yoongi,” he said quietly. “He always knows little tidbits like that.”

The neon lights flickered to red, drenching them in its glare.

“Is that why you like to wear pink? You like to grab people’s attention from kilometers away?” He asked, trying to keep the conversation away from any uncomfortable topics.

Seokjin grinned. “No, I wear pink because I like it and I look great in it,” he said smoothly and confidently.

“You do,” Jeongguk genuinely agreed. The lights shifted to blue, but Jeongguk still caught the blush on Seokjin’s cheeks.

“I had a dream about a pink fairy once,” he added, keeping the conversation going.  

“Was it me?” Seokjin asked without missing a single beat.

Jeongguk laughed, brightly and lightheartedly. “No, no it wasn’t. I was trying to convince the fairy to teach me to fly, but it didn’t want to. So I stole its wand and tried to cast a spell on myself so that I could do it without their help.”

“A brat even in your dreams.”

Jeongguk laughed again. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“So, did you learn how to fly?”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling proudly as if it had actually happened.  

“That’s a nice dream," Seokjin said softly, playing with the stick that once held his now-eaten ice cream as the car was submerged in red again. "Um. I, uh, have … nightmares, still. About driving.” 

Jeongguk stilled, the reminder of the accident feeling heavy in his chest.

“Well, that makes sense, hyung. It was pretty traumatic.”

Seokjin chuckled humorlessly. “I didn’t even get hurt Guk. I was completely fine.”

“No, hyung, don’t do that. Don’t minimize it like that.” I was fucking terrified for you, he left unsaid. 

“But I have to get over it, right? Driving’s an essential skill, I can’t just live the rest of my life afraid of getting behind the wheel again.”

“Who the fuck cares? Look at Namjoon-hyung. He doesn’t drive and he gets by just fine.”

Seokjin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, that’s because whenever he does need a car, he has a driver in Jiminie.”

“Ok, well you have a driver in me. You know that.”

They swam in blue light again, and Jeongguk felt like he had fallen in a trance.

The way Seokjin looked at him then, his head laying on the backseat headrest, was so trusting, so vulnerable that he wanted to just protect him from everything. To blanket his body over his and shield him. To know that he’s under him, not for carnal purposes, but to know that he’s safe.

Not all urges are born from lust.

Still, there was a desire to kiss Seokjin, but he knew that he shouldn’t, so he didn’t. He shouldn’t want to anyways. They were done, two times had been more than enough. After all, it had only been sex.

“You have me,” he repeated, softly, leaning over to tuck a caramel strand behind Seokjin’s ear, not missing the way Seokjin's breathing hitched as he got closer.

“Guk?”

“Hm?”

Seokjin’s voice fell to a whisper. “I’m a little relieved too.”

Eventually, done with their ice cream, they returned to their seats in the front of the car. Jeongguk turned a playlist on, something quiet and calm, and drove as Seokjin randomly sang along to a lyric here and there.

When he pulled up to Seokjin’s apartment building, he almost drove into the guest lot, not yet ready to say goodbye, but he knew that would be a mistake.

They looked at each other quietly, the bright glaring lights of the lobby of Seokjin’s building completely illuminating the inside of the car.  

Jeongguk didn’t mean to, but he could feel his gaze drifting down to Seokjin’s lips. He looked away before his actions could get ahead of his thoughts. Seokjin didn’t say a thing, instead taking off his baseball cap and putting it on Jeongguk.

“I’ll see you later, Jeongguk.”

“Have a good night, hyung.”

A shift occurred in their friendship after that night - there was no underlying uneasiness when they interacted, no forced smiles hiding feelings of shame. It was as if the knowledge that they weren’t alone in what they had done had – rightly or wrongly – liberated some of their guilt. Jeongguk didn’t have to convince himself that they were fine, because they were fine. [What Jeongguk and Seokjin refused to admit out loud was that, unless Yoongi had slept with one of Jeongguk’s close friends, what Yoongi had done was nothing like what they had done.]

So, when he went over to Seokjin’s a few days later to watch a movie, as friends can do, he didn’t overthink it when they kissed. And when he led Seokjin to his room, to his bed, Seokjin didn’t stop him, and when they were done, fucked out and wrapped around each other, Jeongguk didn’t leave.

That was the only time, of course. Until the following morning. And until it happened again two days later. And then again and again, the repetition dulling the blade of guilt more and more until it could no longer stab at their conscience. Hubris calcified in the spaces shame had left.

One night he even convinced Seokjin to come out dancing with him, Jimin, and Hoseok. He toned it down in front of their friends, but that didn’t stop him from attaching himself to Seokjin’s back as they danced. There was a sick thrill in pushing the boundaries as far as he could without getting questioned.

“At this rate, hyung’s never going to get laid,” Jimin complained as Jeongguk refused to budge, a spark of jealousy in his stomach at the thought of Seokjin hooking up with someone else.  

Jeongguk brought Seokjin home that night, gripping his back as Seokjin fucked him.  

Their time together continued like this, paying lip service to ‘this is the last time’ but no longer feeling as obligated to uphold it.

Sometimes they spent nights together without having sex. They wouldn’t even kiss. They would talk and hang out as they used to, with the only added element being that their touches carried more intimate knowledge than they had before. Whereas before a slap to the knee or a massage to the neck would have been nothing more than playful friendliness, no different than sharing these touches with any of their other friends, now there seemed to be more emotion laced behind them.

They didn’t seek each other out for it necessarily. It’s not as if they shot each other ‘hey, you up’ texts in the middle of the night, or went on dates. That would be too intentional. That would mean acknowledging what they were doing.

Instead, they spent time as they usually did, and if it so happened that something led to something else, ‘ah, well, it’s not like we planned it’ was offered as an excuse after the action could no longer be undone.

They were laying in Seokjin’s bed when the first snowfall fell on the first day of December, unexpectedly early. It was nothing to write poetry about, it dusted over Seoul more than anything, a warning of the winter to come. They hadn’t had sex, hadn’t had it in days actually, because they’ve stopped, for real this time. Or so they’ve said.

But they lay in Seokjin’s bed all the same, dressed in Seokjin’s sweats because he still would not allow Jeongguk to be in his bed with clothes he had worn outside.

Their legs were tangled together as the snow fell and dotted the black night sky with white, a pointillist portrait of Seoul outside of the window as Jeongguk talked about a recent movie he had watched.

“Can I give you spoilers?”

“No, what the fuck?” Seokjin rolled his eyes at Jeongguk’s pout and buried his faced into his pillow.

“You’re not going to watch it anyways!”

“I might!”

“Hyung, I have to talk about it with somebody.”

Seokjin shifted slightly to peer over at Jeongguk. “Ugh, fine.”

“Ok, so, in the end, they don’t get back together. Like, the movie is them spending the entire night talking and reminiscing and figuring out where they went wrong and, like, forgiving each other. But then they don’t end up together! She returns to Gwangju and ends up getting married to someone there, and he stays in Seoul even though he could have easily been a doctor in Gwangju too!”

Seokjin laughed but looked at him with sympathy. “Well, it sounds more like it was about giving each other closure. That’s a form of love too.”

Jeongguk groaned and turned to lay on his back. “I guess. But I just feel like I emotionally invested so much in those two hours only to end up gutted in the end.”

“Guk, just because they didn’t end up together doesn’t mean it isn’t a happy ending. If they both manage to move on and find happiness elsewhere, that’s ok.”

Jeongguk frowned. “Stop being so mature. Let me complain when something challenges my belief that true love is eternal.” But he couldn’t help but giggle at Seokjin’s unamused face.

“Fine. Complain all you want, hyung will listen. But stop watching movies that are marketed as tragic love stories if you know you’re going to cry afterwards! You’re setting yourself up!”

“No, they’re still nice to watch.”

Seokjin raised one of his eyebrows. “Ah, so you agree that something can still be worthwhile even if doesn’t have the ending you want?”

“… Shut up.”

“Make me,” the elder laughed.

Had it been a few months ago, Jeongguk would have responded by kicking at Seokjin or throwing a pillow at his head.

He knew that Seokjin hadn’t meant anything by the statement, but it didn’t stop him from reaching over and cupping his cheek. It didn’t stop him from firmly pressing his lips against his. And it didn’t stop him from settling back into his spot with a smug smile, satisfied when he saw Seokjin’s ears tinge pink.

“You think you’re so smooth,” Seokjin grumbled.

“I think you think it too,” he responded without missing a beat, and when Seokjin screamed and rolled over to face the wall, he grabbed onto his arm and pulled him in closer, until their foreheads touched and every breath could be felt on each other’s lips.

Jeongguk didn’t ask anything from Seokjin that night, and Seokjin didn’t either. Their lips didn’t meet again and their clothes stayed on. They simply held on to each other as it snowed outside, and that, Jeongguk thought, was just as nice.

That sweet taste of sin. Eve would have never been so tempted if the apple hadn’t looked so enticing, and Adam would have left well enough alone had it not been for the fact that his affection for a mere human eclipsed his higher loyalties. But shame catches up to everyone eventually, puncturing naked skin with its talons, and the venom of self-hatred flows.

Yoongi returned from New York City just in time for Seokjin’s birthday, with Hoseok and Taehyung being the ones to pick him up from the airport.  Jeongguk had sent him a text welcoming him back, but felt his heart accelerate when he received a ‘Glad to be home. Missed you a lot, jagiya.’  

Jeongguk had missed Yoongi too. A part of him felt lost without Yoongi, and he was happy to have him back. But he was self-aware enough to know that it was a subdued happiness, and that it crumbled under the weight of knowing that a collision was coming.

He and Seokjin didn’t really talk about Yoongi’s return, even when their group chat began to send messages back and forth on how excited they were to have Yoongi back. He never asked Seokjin how often he spoke to Yoongi, or if he ever felt glints of guilt when he spoke to him. He figured, knowing Seokjin as well as he did, that he knew the answer without needing to ask.

Jeongguk willed himself to focus only on Seokjin’s birthday, telling himself that he could deal with the mess surrounding his relationship with Yoongi later. And maybe it was an exercise in avoidance, but by that point Jeongguk had become quite adept in acting as if everything was fine.

But still Jeongguk could feel the licks of impending doom deep within his chest, that something would come to an end and there was no avoiding it.

They would be celebrating Seokjin’s birthday at a sushi restaurant in Hongdae, and, as expected, Jeongguk would be picking Seokjin up to take him there.  

When Seokjin opened the door, Jeongguk couldn’t help but whistle – partially to fluster Seokjin, partially because the man truly deserved it.

His hair had grown a little longer in the time they’d been … doing what they were doing, but he had swept the caramel strands back, revealing his strong eyebrows and forehead.

“Please, don’t. You know I get easily embarrassed,” Seokjin complained, lifting his hands to cover Jeongguk’s eyes.

Jeongguk giggled and grabbed Seokjin’s wrists to bring his hands down.

“You look good, Seokjin-hyung,” Jeongguk said sweetly.

“Thanks. You look good too, I guess,” Seokjin said with his best attempt at unaffected before cracking a smile. “You look great, Guk.”

Jeongguk smiled proudly before pulling Seokjin in to hug him close. “I know I texted you earlier, but, happy birthday, hyung,” he murmured into his ear.

Seokjin’s arms tightened around him. “Thanks, Jeongguk.”

The younger pulled back slightly, catching Seokjin’s gaze before he leaned in for a chaste kiss. He felt Seokjin sigh into it, and he took it as permission to give him another, and then another until their lips were smoothly moving against each other, Seokjin's hand gently cupping his cheek. 

"Let’s ditch them,” Jeongguk said breathlessly.

Seokjin laughed into the kiss, their teeth knocking against each other.

“Easy to say when it’s not your birthday dinner,” he said, pushing him away. “Come on, we’re going to be late.”

They weren’t the first to arrive, but they also weren’t the last, and that’s how Jeongguk found himself at a table with him, Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok while they waited for the others.

He was relieved to see Yoongi. Somewhat. There was warmth in seeing someone he cared about after such a long time, but there was also an alarming chill as everything slowly converged into an inescapable situation.

And he knew he wasn’t alone in this. From the corner of his eye, he noticed how Seokjin imperceptibly stiffened at seeing Yoongi and Hoseok. But Seokjin quickly shook it off, running to the table to give Yoongi a hug welcoming him back.

“It’s good to see you again, Yoongi.”

“It’s good to be back. Happy birthday, hyung.” Yoongi laughed, his eyes shifting to Jeongguk as he hugged Seokjin. “I’ve missed all of you.”

Jeongguk approached him next, and it was incredible how familiar it felt to hug Yoongi, as if a month hadn’t passed, as if nothing had changed at all.

But he didn’t know what to say besides, “Welcome back, hyung.”

Seeing Yoongi up close allowed him to see the purple shadows underneath the elder’s eyes, the way his skin was paler than normal. ‘It’s the jetlag’ he told himself, but even he didn’t believe it.

He took the seat next to Hoseok as Seokjin sat down next to Yoongi, and he felt a knot in his stomach at the sight of the two men in front of him. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how much he was potentially fucking things up by going after Seokjin. After all, it had weighed on him at the beginning. But it’s amazing what you can convince yourself of if you lie to yourself often enough, and Jeongguk had so effectively bought into the reality that he created that he didn’t realize it was only a fractured version of it.

Get it the fuck together. You can figure this out later, do not fuck up Seokjin’s birthday.

“Hyung was just telling me about New York and all of the cool stuff he got to do,” Hoseok said, interrupting Jeongguk’s thoughts. “Hyung, tell them about that underground club you went to!”

Yoongi waved it off, “We can talk about it later. It’s hyung’s birthday, I want to hear what he’s been up to in his last month of being 27.”

Seokjin answered without hesitation, twisting his lips into an appeasing smile. “Not much. Work has been pretty busy with the holiday season coming up, besides that just- nothing really.”

“Hmpf, hyung almost never hangs out with us during the week anymore,” Hoseok pouted. “We barely see him!”

Seokjin and Jeongguk’s gazes locked for less than a second, and Jeongguk could read the agitation in the elder’s eyes.

“Ah,” Jeongguk stepped in, “Hyung’s actually been talking to his team lead about lessening his work load, so that should change soon.”

“See, why don’t I know that?! At least you get to see him whenever you give him rides, but when’s the last time hyung and I met up for after-work drinks? I miss my drinking buddy.”

A genuine frown appeared on Seokjin’s face. “Seok, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize- Let’s go next week, hmm? Hyung will pay.”

Hoseok smiled in victory, and the topic thankfully died with the arrival of the remaining three.

Jeongguk tried to engage in conversation, but his eyes kept flitting between Seokjin and Yoongi, at the way Seokjin was so incredibly over-attentive of Yoongi and the way Yoongi kept sneaking glances over to Jeongguk. But still, he tried to focus on dinner and the others, hoping that the night would be over soon.

When the dinner began to wind down, Yoongi silently stood up and walked over to Jeongguk’s side, the younger’s heart beating faster and faster with every step that Yoongi took towards him.

“Hey,” he spoke into his ear with a gentle whisper. “Can you come with me for a sec? It’s for Seokjin-hyung.”

He turned to look at Yoongi behind him and saw the quiet nervousness in his eyes.

“Yeah, ok.”  

The sound of the chair scraping across the floor as he moved to stand up grated his ears, but it was all that he allowed himself to focus on. When he lifted his gaze, his eyes locked with Seokjin’s and he could read the instant panic in the elder’s eyes. Jeongguk tried to offer a reassuring smile, but he could feel stress coursing throughout his body as well.

“Don’t be too long!” He heard Jimin sing, and he was confused by the man’s proud scheming smile.

As they walked away from the table, he felt Yoongi’s hand brush against his. “Jimin texted earlier to tell me that he and Namjoon-hyung asked the kitchen to store Seokjin-hyung’s cake in the fridge while we ate,” Yoongi explained as he guided them in the direction to the kitchen.

Jeongguk nodded his head in understanding, his body releasing some tension. “Oh, ok. Wait, why isn’t he getting it then?”

Yoongi suddenly stopped and turned to face Jeongguk. His behavior turned shy and his voice was a touch softer when he answered. “I asked him if we could go get it. I wanted a chance to talk to you, just us.”

A mismatch of emotions swirled in Jeongguk at hearing the words.

“Guk, I miss you. You were all I could think about when I was in New York,” he quietly confessed, his voice struggling to maintain its usual dry tone. He couldn’t quite meet Jeongguk’s eyes, but that was ok, because Jeongguk couldn’t quite bring himself to look at him either.

“I know we didn’t put an end date on the break, but a part of me had been hoping that we would have figured things out before I left. But then neither you nor I brought it up, so I figured, ‘Ok, maybe a month in different cities will help. A real break.’ But jagiya, it’s been two months now. Can we just- can we at least start talking and try to work this out?”

The table where their friends were sitting – where Seokjin was sitting – was no longer visible from where they were standing, but Jeongguk still turned to look in that direction.

Had it really been two months? It clicked in Jeongguk’s mind then that they were approaching their two-year anniversary in a couple of weeks, but is it still an anniversary when you’re on a break?

He turned to look at Yoongi again, at the fragility and fear in his face, and the guilt that he had held off for the past few weeks exploded within him. There was no running away from it; he had been willfully ignorant of the situation that he had been creating for the past two months. He felt trapped suddenly, he needed to think.

He steadied himself. “I'm sorry I made you feel like this, hyung. But, I don’t know if now is the time-”

“I didn’t want to bring it up like this, but it felt wrong to do this over a text or call. And this is the first time we’re seeing each other, so- Look, I’m not expecting an answer now, I just want us to talk.”

There was an instinct in his body to grab and hug Yoongi, to assure him that he loved him, that he should never doubt Jeongguk again. But he couldn’t tell if that instinct was born out of love or out of commitment.

“We’ll talk,” he promised. “I- We’ll talk.”

Yoongi nodded, his shoulders sagging in notable relief. Had Jeongguk done this to him?

“Ok. Good,” he said, instantly more at ease. “Let’s get the cake before Jimin kills us.”

Jeongguk drove Seokjin back to his apartment in almost complete silence on his end, his mind preoccupied by his conversation with Yoongi. They were going to start talking this out, together. That’s good, he told himself. That’s what he had wanted, from the very beginning.

He glanced at Seokjin sitting beside him, mumbling along to a 70s trot song with made up lyrics, and it was such a ludicrous sight and such a relief to his warring thoughts that he couldn’t help but laugh, endeared.

But when Seokjin turned, flashing him a wide and bright smile, his laughter died down.

He was going to have to end it. He knew it. It was an ending that was inevitable, but it was an inevitability that they had ignored for the sake of convenience. He was going to hurt Seokjin, and he hated it, but he couldn’t find another way out. It didn't matter that he was beginning to realize just how much he liked Seokjin too. It wasn’t as if he could just end it with Yoongi and openly pursue his friend, it would never work, not with the way they were all so intricately tied together.

And after so much time together, after being the reason Yoongi needed a break, he at least owed it to Yoongi to try.

He felt a finger poke his cheek.

“What’s wrong?” Seokjin asked, looking at him strangely.

But he wouldn’t do it tonight. Not on his birthday. Nothing was more important to Jeongguk at that moment than ensuring that this night ended on a good memory.

He pulled Seokjin’s hand to his mouth and playfully bit at his finger. “Don’t distract me when I’m driving.”

Seokjin giggled and jostled his wrist free.

When they arrived to Seokjin’s apartment, he went ahead and parked in the guest section.

“You’re coming up?”

Jeongguk nodded. “Your birthday’s not over yet.”

As soon as they entered Seokjin’s apartment, before Seokjin could even turn the lights on, Jeongguk grabbed him by the waist and pulled him in. He leaned back against the door, bringing Seokjin in closer until they wrapped their arms around each other.

“What are you doing, Guk?” Seokjin asked, trying to hide his pinking cheeks.

“You know what I’m doing.” It came out smug and flirty, the way Jeongguk intended.

Seokjin huffed but brought his face closer until their lips met gently and a kiss was shared. It was genuine, and trusting, and filled with so much sweetness and Jeongguk could do this, he could give Seokjin this. He could give himself this. When Seokjin pulled away, Jeongguk tightened his hold on him and chased his lips, capturing them again.

“Please don’t tell me that you’re gifting me a hook-up instead of an actual present,” Seokjin said, laughing against his mouth, before moving back slightly to shyly gaze down at their feet.

Jeongguk smiled lazily in the dark. “I’m poor, hyung.” This was good, he was doing well, this was them – light, easy, and fun. He brought his hand up to hold Seokjin’s face, brushing his cheek with his thumb. “We can do whatever you want, it’s up to you.” Say yes, let us have this one more time. Seokjin’s eyes fluttered as he spoke, but they closed completely as he gave himself time to think.

“Let’s go to my room.”

Seokjin moaned as Jeongguk moved inside of him and Jeongguk drowned in it, slowing or grinding down just so whenever he wanted to pull a particular sound out of Seokjin. It was strange in a way, how well he knew Seokjin’s body by now, how Seokjin’s pleasure was tantamount to his own.

But it wasn’t enough, he needed to be touching all of Seokjin, to give him as much as he could of himself. 

He paused for a moment, unable to hold back a laugh at Seokjin’s complaining groan, and kissed the calf on his shoulder before setting his leg down.

“What are you doing?” Seokjin panted.

Jeongguk leaned down until their chests were touching, indulging in the intimacy of the embrace.

“Hi,” he spoke against Seokjin’s lips, waiting for the man to smile or laugh at the corny gesture.

But Seokjin didn’t smile. He didn’t laugh. He squirmed and closed his eyes. “Stop looking at me like that,” he whispered.

Jeongguk’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Seokjin shook his head and then smiled, but it was tight and small and off. Wordlessly, he began to move his hips back, causing them both to moan.

“Just … fuck me. It was starting to get good.”

Jeongguk scowled. “I don’t know, hyung. Sounded like you were having a good time already.”

Seokjin dragged his hands through Jeongguk’s hair, grabbing tightly and bringing him down for a deep and wet kiss. “Remind me, then.”

Jeongguk slept over that night. He stayed until Seokjin woke up. He kissed Seokjin when he left. 

He stretched their time together as far as he could, committing every last moment and detail to memory.

In the week following his birthday, Seokjin never received a single text or call from Jeongguk. It was absolute silence and the worst part about it was that Seokjin had expected it, so he didn’t reach out to him either. Something had begun to gnaw at him the night of his birthday, the way Jeongguk had kissed him, the way Jeongguk had fucked him.

Seokjin wasn’t an idiot. He could put two and two together. Yoongi was back, and Yoongi still loved Jeongguk and Jeongguk still loved Yoongi. Seokjin had only been a placeholder, a warm body. A distraction.

The silence from Jeongguk didn’t raise any questions for Seokjin, no. It was the beginning of an answer, one that had already been known since the start. The moment Jeongguk kissed Seokjin, they had created a ticking time bomb, and now they were in their final seconds.

So when Jeongguk finally texted Seokjin on Friday, asking him if they could meet, Seokjin said yes.

He knew what was coming.

He had no right nor any reason to put it off. 

The ride was painfully quiet. Neither made an effort to put on music to fill the silence, each in their own respective worlds of dread.

“I’ll make some tea,” was the only thing Seokjin said when they entered the apartment, listlessly heading towards the kitchen while Jeongguk closed the door.

He chose chamomile for himself, lemon honey for Jeongguk, figuring they would both probably need something to calm down, and waited.

They stood by the stove, the sound of water slowly starting to bubble disturbing the stillness of the kitchen. He could see Jeongguk from the corner of his eye grabbing the hem of his sweater. He’s nervous. Seokjin wanted to laugh. Wanted to just punch Jeongguk’s arm and say, ‘Just get it over with. You’re making it worse for the both of us.’

But he didn’t.

The whistle on the kettle blew, and Jeongguk grabbed the handle before Seokjin could, pouring the water into the mugs.

When there was nothing else left to do, no more sips to take, no more seconds to steal from time, Jeongguk finally spoke.

“I’ve been talking to Yoongi-hyung.”

Yes, Seokjin had figured.

“That’s good,” he said instead.

Jeongguk nodded halfheartedly. “We- we’re going to try to figure things out. We’ve been together for so long, hyung. I have to try, so you and I- we shouldn't ... anymore.”

Seokjin didn’t say anything, having never expected anything different even if he had pretended that this ending would never come.

He had never been able to lie to himself as easily as Jeongguk did - mostly because Jeongguk moved with the infallibility of someone who had never had something not go their way - but still even Seokjin had allowed himself to forget a few essential truths. 

Jeongguk would always have Yoongi. Yoongi would always have Jeongguk. And Seokjin had always wanted for the people he loves to be happy. 

So, this was good. What was best. After all, who was Seokjin to Jeongguk? A friend, yes, but nothing more. Yoongi was the love of his life. Jeongguk had always intended to get back together with Yoongi - he had said it from the very beginning. He loved him that much.

“Are you going to tell him? About …” Us almost came out of his mouth, but even just the thought of the word made him want to scoff. “you and me?”

“I don’t- I don’t know. We’ll probably have a lot to talk about but …I don’t want to cause problems between you two.”

Seokjin shrugged weakly. “You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do,” he answered, his voice growing smaller by the second. “Just tell me if you decide to tell him.”

“Sure,” Jeongguk softly, almost inaudibly, answered

Armor began to build around his heart, his chest feeling tight and heavy.

“You were right to not text or call me while you were figuring this out. We should, um, continue that. For a while.”

Jeongguk’s eyes widened and he took one hesitating step closer. “Until when?”

Seokjin shrugged again, his gaze steadfastly fixed on the floor. He wouldn’t cry, Seokjin always hated crying in front of other people.

“Hyung, you know you mean a lot to me, right?”

Irritation and grief bubbled over. Seokjin laughed him off, the sound empty and off.

“Yah, Jeongguk-ah. You don’t have to do that."

Jeongguk had the audacity to look hurt. “But you do, hyu-”

“Please, Jeongguk. Stop.” 

Every word, every kiss, every touch – Jeongguk was his pied piper, leading Seokjin towards something that he was never going to be able to deliver, and Seokjin was done pretending.

“Actually, I don’t even think there’s anything else for us to say," he said dismissively. "So you should probably go.”

Jeongguk, unlike Seokjin, was never good at holding back emotion, his eyes tinging red immediately.

“No, I won’t,” he said with gritted teeth. “We- I- we should talk about this-”

“What is there to talk about Guk!?” He yelled, frustrated and afraid and wanting to hide and he just needed Jeongguk to leave. “You’re going to try to work things out with Yoongi. That’s great! I’m happy for you two, really! What else needs to be said?”

Maybe it was unfair of him to raise his voice at Jeongguk. Hypocritical. After all, he had no one to blame but himself. He went into this willingly, knowing that someone would come out hurt. That it would most likely be him.

But rightly or wrongly, his heart was breaking. He had been grieving from the very second he had been met with silence from Jeongguk’s end. Even now, Jeongguk had opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out.

“You can’t even-” But Seokjin stopped himself, not willing to hit Jeongguk where it hurt the most, to accuse him of being too unsure to know how to properly handle things.

“I love you,” he found himself croaking instead. He didn’t know why he said it. Maybe it was the panic of knowing that whatever they had was dying that pushed him to say something he hadn’t yet admitted to himself, but he knew the words were true. The shock and guilt on Jeongguk’s face, however, was enough for him to want to swallow the words back.

“Hyung, I-”

Jeongguk reached for his hand, but Seokjin withdrew it, wanting to protect it, himself, everything from Jeongguk’s touch.

“I’m not trying to manipulate you into staying by saying that. I just … want you to know, I guess. Because I really do need you to leave me alone for a while.”

“I don’t want to lose you-”

“Just focus on working things out with Yoongi, ok? Don’t hurt him, he doesn’t deserve that-”

“Hyung, stop. I’m trying to talk, don’t push me away-”

“I’m not. I just need space-”

“That’s- And then what? We go back to you ignoring my messages? You cancelling on me?”

Seokjin bristled. “Jeongguk, respectfully, you haven’t contacted me at all this past week, and I get that it was because you were figuring things out, but it still hurt. So, you don’t get to manage how I’ll deal with this.”

Frustrated, Jeongguk clenched his jaw, but he did stop talking, and for that Seokjin was grateful.

“It was just sex,” Seokjin muttered. “We’ll get over it.”

Jeongguk’s eyes watered, but no tears fell. “You know that’s not true, hyung.”

And it was nice to hear, but it was far too late for it to mean anything. “It’s going to have to be, Guk.”

Jeongguk left shortly after that, Seokjin escorting him out in silence.

Numbed, he finished the rest of his tea and dumped what remained of Jeongguk’s, transfixed as the yellow liquid travelled down the drain.

His head pounding with a sudden headache, he dragged himself over to the couch that Jeongguk hated and laid down on it.

He wasn’t sure of how long he stayed there, unthinking and unfeeling of everything, and he was only pulled out of it when his wandering eyes settled on a picture on his corner table. A photo of all seven of them on a beach trip faced him, taken before Seokjin fucked it all up with Taehyung, Yoongi, and Jeongguk. His breathing turned ragged as he stared hard at the picture, hiding his face when their smiling faces eventually became too much bear.

Chapter Text

PRESENT

Adrenaline pumps through Jeongguk at once, not so much a rush of flowing water, but a surge of combustible fuel, only one match away from bursting.

Maybe [or at least he desperately hopes] he misheard Hoseok. He supposes that it’s even possible that his paranoia of the past few months has devolved into a full-blown hallucination. Perhaps the entire day has been a dream - from accidentally feeding Seokjin one hour earlier to sitting here in front of his reckoning.

But Hoseok won’t look elsewhere. His earnest, unrelenting stare bores into the depths of Jeongguk’s conscience, revealing the hollow craters.

So he forces himself to answer Hoseok’s question.  

“There’s nothing going on between me and Seokjin-hyung.”

Not necessarily a lie, Jeongguk has actually grown quite skilled at finding the right words that will bend the truth without breaking it.

Still, Hoseok sees right through it.

“Mm, yeah. That much I figured.” It’s not said with any snark or condescension - the way Jeongguk knows he probably deserves to be spoken to - but as a light rebuke against any potential bullshit. “But that’s not what I asked.”

The temptation to be evasive grows stronger. Well, then I don’t know what you’re asking. It’s almost instinct when it shouldn’t be, because Jeongguk never used to hide in fear from the truth before.

But still, he feels his jaw tighten. An undercurrent of anger - ready to lash out at Hoseok for confronting him - runs through him, but that’s not who he is.

He hates that a part of him wants to do it regardless.

Hoseok leans forward. Uses the seconds Jeongguk needs to fight his worst impulses to take another small sip from his Americano.  The silence between them is close to unbearable, but the ambient noise of the coffee shop feels like nails scratching against chalkboard.

“Whatever you think … happened,” Jeongguk says finally, choosing his words carefully, “it doesn’t matter anymore. Everything is fine, Hoseok-hyung.”

He responds steadier than he had expected himself to. But one need only to look underneath the table to see his shaking leg to know he’s not as composed as he appears.

“Jeonggukie,” Hoseok’s voice comes out soft, patiently trying to coax Jeongguk’s defensiveness down. “From where I’m sitting, I think it very much still matters. Things do not seem fine.”

How? How do you know? What could you possibly know?

He tries to read Hoseok’s posture, his face. There’s no anger. No disgust. Not even irritation at the fact that Jeongguk is skirting around the truth, unintentionally denying the very respect Hoseok had asked for. The observation does enough to subdue the hostility that was beginning to take shape.

Out of all of them, he knows, Hoseok is the least judgmental. The most forgiving. If ever he had a chance to talk to someone about the mess that he has created, it would be now. But it’s hard to let go of the reality he has so shoddily constructed, even with someone as understanding as Hoseok.

“What is it that you think you know?”

Because Jeongguk still has to be careful. Still has to be sure that he’s not giving away more than what he’s being asked.

Hoseok quirks his eyebrow as his tongue pushes his bottom lip out, contemplating. He takes a few seconds to gather his thoughts. “Guk, I’ve known hyung for about eight years now. I know what he’s like when he likes someone, and I know what he’s like when he’s hurting over someone” – Jeongguk looks away when Hoseok says this, the first to break their staredown –   “Actually, for a while, I thought the tension surrounding you two was because Seokjin-hyung had maybe developed a crush on you, and that’s why he’s been so-” he waves his hand around in a vague motion, “-withdrawn lately. So, I thought, ‘Ok. It’s not an ideal situation if he likes Guk as more than a friend’, but I know Seokjin-hyung. You can’t push him to tell you something that he doesn’t want to tell you, he only retreats further. All you can do is let him know you’re there until he’s ready to say something.”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk quietly agrees, a ball of lead in his stomach, his coffee long forgotten.

Hoseok adjusts his posture before proceeding, “Still, I did try once to talk to him about what was going on – I’m sure you of all people have noticed the way he goes quiet sometimes even in the middle of all of us, or how he’s completely stopped talking about anything personal. But he kept shut, said he was dealing with it. I figured he felt ashamed about how he felt about you, so I didn’t want to force him into admitting it. Just reminded him how much we love him. Gave him some time to come around.”

Hoseok, for all of his never-ending energy, is incredibly observational, so Jeongguk knows that he shouldn’t be surprised that he had managed to pick up on Seokjin’s tells, but he is. Fierce protectiveness swells in Jeongguk – he wants to shield Seokjin from questioning eyes trying to pick apart his pain and find the source of it. But he knows that Hoseok is doing this out of genuine concern, not morbid curiosity.

And he knows – and it absolutely kills him to acknowledge this – that Jeongguk’s desire to protect is far more harmful to them all than Hoseok’s genuine attempts to understand.

“But after the night I tried to talk to him about it, something still seemed off,” Hoseok continues, interrupting his thoughts. “Because an unrequited crush shouldn’t have Seokjin-hyung this upset; it never has before.”

It hurts to hear this. It hurts to know that all the wounds that Seokjin carries are inflicted by him. Jeongguk was more than aware of the many quiet ways Seokjin had changed. It was something that battered his conscience every day. Whenever he saw Seokjin look away from him, whenever he saw him hesitate to talk if Jeongguk was next to Yoongi, whenever he left their hangouts early, exhaustion and relief in the elder’s body as he would exit the door – behind his mask of seeming indifference, Jeongguk took note of it all.   

“A couple of weeks ago, Tae and I were going through group pictures for Yoongi’s birthday,” Hoseok continues, a flash of endearment crossing his face dies as quickly as it comes. “And I saw- something. I don’t know. But it kickstarted these … thoughts … in my head.”

He runs his hand through his hair, and gives a sad laugh. “God, Jeongguk, I didn’t want to think about it. I felt guilty for assuming anything badly about you two. Crazy for even considering it. But it keeps bothering me. The fact that you two were so close during your break from Yoongi-hyung – Jesus, all of those fucking car rides-” he pauses to shake his head, clear the disappointment beginning to show in his tone, “but it seems that those have stopped, right? And the fact that you were jealous of that bartender, that you get jealous of Taehyung still- It’s just- Am I being crazy, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk huffs. All of this is circumstantial at best. Hoseok didn’t say that he had seen the two in bed together, or that he’d seen them kiss. And it doesn’t seem like Seokjin has said anything to him either. It’s all assumptions.

So Jeongguk knows that, if he wanted to, he could lie. He could try to reason things away, feign offense at Hoseok for even daring to suggest that he and Seokjin would hurt Yoongi in that way. The temptation to do so is there, sure.

But it’s quiet in Jeongguk’s mind. For a second, all of the thoughts and whispers and accusations in his mind stop. Now that they’re voiced by someone else, there is space for a real moment of peace.

Hoseok has come to him with no other weapon but the truth. No scorn or insults in his questions. He’s extending an opportunity for Jeongguk to talk.  

If Hoseok is willing to listen, then maybe Jeongguk can have someone help him. Help him to untangle his mind, help him be better for Yoongi, help him help Seokjin.

Jeongguk sits up straighter in his seat. He knows bravery is often fleeting, and if he doesn’t grab hold of this window now, he will regret it later.

Voice even, he answers.

“No. No, you’re not.”

Hoseok clicks his tongue, and finally closes his eyes.

“Did you have a relationship with Seokjin-hyung?”

A chance for honesty – maybe days, weeks, months too late.

A chance nonetheless.

“Yes.”

It’s barely audible, the weighted inhale Hoseok takes, but Jeongguk manages to hear it. Even so, he appreciates the effort to cover it.

“Ok,” he says, pensive. Fingers scratching slightly against the table, he asks, “So, when did it begin, and when did it end?”

Straightaway, he understands the real question that Hoseok is asking, the one hidden behind efforts to establish a timeframe.

“I didn’t cheat on Yoongi,” he answers quickly, Hoseok’s eyes snapping open to look at him. “What Seokjin-hyung and I … were … was only during our break. Nothing happened before that and nothing happened after that.”

It’s silent for a moment as Hoseok processes his answer.

Eventually, he can only say: “I don’t think that’s going to make much of a difference in the end, Guk. I know you were allowed to see other people, but why Seokjin-hyung?”

It’s a question he asks himself often enough, and yet he’s come to no answer. Why? Why not a stranger or someone else? Why did he kiss Seokjin that night? Why didn’t he want to stop? Why did he keep going back?

“I don’t know.”

Hoseok doesn’t say anything in response, clearly waiting for Jeongguk to elaborate.

But that’s the whole truth. Or maybe, somewhere, deep and crudely carved – like a dagger scratching against a stone - Jeongguk does know, but it all feels so big, every emotion related to this situation dwarfs him, makes him so feel so pathetic and tangled. It’s overwhelming in its confusion. It all seems so much bigger than him, this situation that snowballed into this monstrosity of emotions and betrayal and guilt and he doesn’t know where he, Jungkook, begins, and where his faults end.

“I don’t know,” he repeats again, softly.

Somehow Hoseok’s voice is even softer than his. “Ok. Can you tell me how it began, then?”

Jeongguk inhales deeply, and begins. 

“A few days after Yoongi-hyung and I went on a break,” he starts, keeping the actual number of days to himself. “Um. Seokjin-hyung and I went out for dinner and then back to his apartment afterwards. And then, I just- He was there for me, and I- I just- I wanted to kiss him. So I did.”

It's a poor excuse, but it's only because Jeongguk can't find the nerve to go into greater detail. Because the way he held me made feel like I could do anything. Because the way he looked at made me see myself differently. Because the way he kissed me made me feel safe. And I wanted to give him all of that too.

“You two slept together that night?” There’s no judgment betrayed in Hoseok’s balanced tone, but Jeongguk thinks he sees a tinge of incredulity in Hoseok’s eyes.

“Yes.”

The answer hangs in the air. Cold, harsh truth cast out. He knows it should have felt wrong to kiss someone else after almost two years of being with only one person. At the very least, it should have felt off, strange. It shouldn’t have led to deeper kisses, intimate touches, to fucking. It shouldn’t have felt like relief. It shouldn’t have felt so easy to give that side of himself over to someone else.  

“And how often would you see each other for … that?”

Jeongguk gives a weary sigh, but there’s a release of tension in it as well. “Not that often at first. We both felt horrible. But then … I don’t know. We slept with each other,” images of all the moments he shared with Seokjin pass through his mind, “and the world didn’t end. I … liked spending time with him, it felt good. Not just for sex, but … I don’t know. But we started seeing each other more and more.”

Had it been anyone else, he would have received immediate pushback: What do you mean it felt good? It felt good to sleep with your boyfriend’s friend? You felt horrible and yet you did it again?

But Hoseok doesn’t ask any of that.

“When was the last time?” He asks instead.

“December.”

“And you ended it because …?”

It’s Jeongguk’s turn to stare at Hoseok with slight confusion, not understanding the question when the answer is so obvious. “For Yoongi-hyung. The break was over, I had to go back to him. So, whatever it was between us - Seokjin-hyung and I, I mean – is over. It’s in the past.”

“I don’t think it is, Guk. If anything, it’s still very much right here and right now, and it’s getting worse. If I can notice it now, then it’s getting worse, not better.”

“What’s getting worse?” The confusion grows exponentially, and he does try to keep the exasperation out of his voice, but his control is slipping.

Hoseok raises his brow, his eyes in disbelief. “Your feelings for Seokjin.”

It’s only then that Jeongguk notices how tightly he’s gripping the edge of the table. He lets go at the sight of his white knuckles, the fight in him beginning to waken. He needs Hoseok to believe him, so he stares back at him with equal resolve.  

“Yeah, but … it’s normal that I became ... attached. We’ve always been really close and- add sex to it, of course I was going to feel more, but it doesn’t matter. I belong with Yoongi-hyung. Everything else will fade away with time.”

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok tilts his head, bewilderment marring his expression, “just to be clear: your plan is to stay with Yoongi-hyung as you work through your feelings for Seokjin-hyung?”

“Look, I know how it sounds, but … you don’t get it, hyung,” he grits out. Frustration builds inside of him – he knows his logic, his reasoning, but he can’t find the right words to get it out. The emotion, however, is there, ready to breech the surface, only needing one more push to tip over.

“Ok. You’re right, I don’t, and that’s ok. I’m not one of the people who has to. But have you told Yoongi-hyung about any of this?”

Jeongguk doesn’t mean to scoff, but he does. He coughs to try to cover it up. “Um. I told him that I had been seeing someone else. But, no. He doesn’t know it was Seokjin-hyung.”  

“And I doubt Seokjin-hyung would say anything to him either,” Hoseok mutters to himself, eyes downcast before raising his gaze again. “Look, I understand you feel confused and overwhelmed right now, Guk. It's a difficult situation to be in. But you know you have to tell him, right?”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen, his adrenaline spiking once more.

“What? No. I can’t-” Hoseok opens his mouth to speak, but Jeongguk is faster. “Hyung, I was only with Seokjin-hyung when I was allowed to see other people, and it was over by the time I got back together with Yoongi-hyung. What good would it do to tell him now when it will only hurt him and it doesn’t affect anything anymore?”  

Hoseok’s face darkens, and it’s the first time in this conversation that he feels Hoseok lose some of his composure, frustration seeping through in his voice. “You just told me that you’re not over Seokjin-hyung. So, no, Guk. Whatever you had with Seokjin isn’t over. That’s why you have to tell Yoongi. Not only that, you know damn well Yoongi-hyung would have wanted to know that you two were together. Listen, just listen to me-” Hoseok raises his voice only slightly as Jeongguk tries to talk over him, but it’s enough to silence him. “I understand that you don’t want to hurt him. But this? Keeping him in the dark? This is hurting him. And when he finds out – because he will Jeongguk, you know that he will because the secret will eat you and Seokjin-hyung up until one of you breaks – it’s going to be worse the longer you wait to tell him.”

Although it’s Hoseok speaking, it’s Jeongguk who’s breathing heavily, every word a scratch, every sentence a constellation of cracks against compromised glass. What agitates him the most, has him feeling like a cornered animal is that he can’t say anything back. There’s nothing that Hoseok said that isn’t true. So he tries another line of defense, the one that terrifies him the most.

“This isn’t just about me, hyung,” he says, tone low and stern. “Me telling Yoongi-hyung about this would mean getting Seokjin-hyung involved again. I’ve already hurt Seokjin enough, I can’t ruin their friendship on top of it, especially because of my own personal fucked-up feelings. If Yoongi-hyung breaks up with me, then- Fine, whatever, I deserve it. But this will destroy his friendship with Seokjin-hyung. You know that.”

This at the very least has Hoseok pause, has him looking off to the side and pursing his lips. It’s a couple of minutes before he responds. “It could happen, you’re right. But I don’t know that it will. And you don’t either. And, frankly, if it does, then that’s something that they will have to figure out for themselves. You can’t keep the truth from him just because you want to be in control of the consequences.”

“Hyung,” Jeongguk pleads. He hates begging, but he’ll do it for this, for everyone. “It’ll ruin everything. I can make this right. I promise you that I can. Yoongi-hyung - he's happy - and Seokjin-hyung- look, it’s only been six weeks-”

“Exactly, Guk. Six weeks is still within a reasonable timeframe to tell him. Every second you wait is a second he’s going to doubt once he finds out. Do you really want him to think that months of your relationship with him and in his friendship with Seokjin since you two have gotten back together has been a lie? You cannot do that to him, he doesn’t deserve that. Don’t make it two or three months when you can tell him now and have a better chance at ‘fixing’ things,” he takes a slight pause before he says the next part, cautiously. “If that’s really what you want.”

“Of course, it is,” Jeongguk answers instantly. But he balks at Hoseok’s continued, wordless stare. “You don’t believe me.”

“I believe that you feel bad. And I believe that you want to do the right thing. But Jeongguk … I do see the way you look at Seokjin-hyung. I don’t think that’s going away anytime soon.”

“It will.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

"It's going to have to."

"Feelings don't work like that, Jeongguk. Come on, I know you know this."

Something inside of Jeongguk begins to break, feelings he's been trying to fight enclose on him. “What do you want me to do, hyung?! Leave Yoongi for Seokjin? That seems like a surefire way to make everything worse!”

“No, I’m not suggesting you do anything with Seokjin-hyung. Right now, I'm more concerned about how Seokjin is dealing with all of this than on what ends up happening between the two of you. And … Jeongguk, yeah - usually I’d advise a friend to breakup if they have feelings for someone other than their partner.”

“This is more complicated than that, hyung.”

“How?”

“Because he’s my boyfriend!” A wall shatters, a simple question and words spill over faster than Jeongguk can process them. “Because he loves me! I made a promise to Yoongi! Because then what was it all for?! What did I put everyone – Seokjin, Yoongi, me, and you now – through if I just end up giving up? We’ve built something together! I made my decision! I can’t just walk away from Yoongi-hyung and everything just because I’m a little confused right now!”

If Jeongguk’s outburst surprises Hoseok, he doesn’t show it. As Jeongguk drops his head into his hands, embarrassed at having such a moment in such a public setting and using his ballcap to hide his face, Hoseok simply pushes one of their cups of water towards him. He motions for Jeongguk to pick it up and waits for him to drink a little before speaking again.

“What about Yoongi-hyung’s choice, Jeongguk?”

“Getting back together was something the two of us decided -”

“Yeah, because Yoongi-hyung thought you were as committed as he was-”

“I am-”

“No, you want to be, but you like someone else as well, so no, that’s not an equal commitment-”

“Hyung-”

“Jeongguk. If you want to be with Yoongi-hyung as you try to get over Seokjin-hyung, then that’s your choice, yes. But did Yoongi-hyung sign up for being with someone who also has feelings for someone else? Look, maybe he’ll want to stick by you as you work through this, but he gets to decide that. Not you.”

It’s an argument that strikes a chord immediately within Jeongguk, leaving him speechless. There are few things he hates more than someone deciding for him, and yet, here he is, doing it to someone else. Someone who he is supposed to love.

The heat of anger dies. Pained remorse washes in instead. There’s no defense he can give when he knows Hoseok is right. Yoongi would have wanted to know it was Seokjin. Even if what Jeongguk had done was technically permitted with what they established for their break, that doesn’t excuse him from choosing Seokjin, and it doesn’t excuse him from not telling Yoongi.

“You didn’t give him all of the information to make the choice he thought he made, Jeongguk. You didn’t tell him that you slept with Seokjin, and you didn’t tell him that you still like Seokjin. He deserves to know that so that he can then decide whether he wants to be with you.”

A beat. Two. 

A ruined “Fuck” is all that Jeongguk can say.

“Guk, listen. You've done something hurtful, yes; but I know that you are not a bad person. I get wanting to secure the best outcome for everyone, but your guilt is clouding your judgment. Look," he sighs, "can I ask you something?”

Jeongguk almost laughs at the request. The entire conversation has been led with Hoseok’s questions. What else can Jeongguk do but nod yes?

“When was the last time you thought to yourself ‘I love him’-” He holds up his index finger before Jeongguk can even answer, silencing him so that he can expand, “And I’m not referring to saying the words - anyone can say them whether or not they mean them. When was the last time you actually thought them?”

Jeongguk stills with the question. His mouth opens, ready for retort, as his mind processes a hundred memories at once.  

Recent dates, waking up to each other in the morning, time spent together – surely in there, the words were felt and thought.

Seconds pass, turning into minutes.

Hoseok bites his bottom lip and nods, as if Jeongguk’s silence was all he needed.

When Jeongguk finally finds his voice, it’s with barely any conviction. “I do love him.” He does. He must. He did before.

Hoseok reaches over to grab hold of Jeongguk’s hand and it’s only then that he realizes that he’s shaking. “Jeongguk, you shouldn’t be with someone because you think you should be with them. You should be with them because you want to be, I know you know that.”

“I know,” he repeats, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Do you ever think it when you’re with Seokjin-hyung?” He asks so quietly, Jeongguk almost thinks he’s imagined the question. He must feel Jeongguk freeze in his hold, because he adds: “You don’t need to answer that to me. But I do think you should spend some time thinking about how you would answer it.”

There’s no quick snap back. His throat feels thick, and he can feel his eyes getting wet. Why can’t he say anything?

“I don’t want to presume anything but if you’re holding on to Yoongi because you feel guilty, then that’s not fair to him, Guk. That isn’t love. And hyung deserves to be with someone who is with him because they love him. Guilt is not enough reason for you to take that away from him.”

I do love him, he wants to repeat. Wants to say it more forcefully, so that Hoseok will believe him. So that he’ll believe it himself.

Nothing comes out.

The pillars of Jeongguk's defenses crumble before him, leaving him bare against the reality of his situation. There are no more excuses to hide behind, no more shadows to hide in. 

“Ok,” he concedes, voice distant. “I’ll tell him.”

“When?”

The ask for details brings some composure back into Jeongguk.

“I- Soon? Am I really supposed to give you an answer right now?”

“No better time than the present.”

He sees it immediately, flashes of a future Yoongi, broken, upset. Already his resolve begins to weaken. 

“I need time to do this right, hyung. I- He’s been … really looking forward to your birthday. He’s, um, been working a lot. Hasn’t been out in so long. If I tell him this week, it’ll ruin that for him.”  

Hoseok, however, doesn’t look convinced.

“Guk, respectfully, there’s never going to be a perfect time to tell him. The longer you wait-”

“I know, I know. Just. After your birthday. I’ll have to talk to Seokjin-hyung first anyway. Tell him that I’m going to tell Yoongi so that he can prepare himself.”

Hoseok sighs, but the ways his shoulders slump tells Jeongguk that he’s swayed him.

“Two weeks, Jeongguk. If you don’t tell him, then I’ll tell Seokjin-hyung to tell him. And you know he’ll listen to me.”

Two weeks. Two weeks to not fuck it up anymore the he already has. Two weeks to try to make this as less painful as possible.

“Ok.”

By the time Jeongguk arrives home, he feels exposed and raw, his mind and heart excavated to expose the rotting core.

It’s a far cry from the anxious excitement he had felt heading to the dessert tasting, and it’s a completely different feeling from the touches of guilt he had been feeling for the past few weeks. Now it’s no longer a quiet fear of being discovered but the impending trepidation of a truth that that has caught up to him, a harsh light singing his skin as it shines relentlessly on him.

He makes his way to the room and collapses onto the bed, foregoing turning his lights on but swinging an arm over his eyes regardless.

Groaning softly to himself, he allows himself a moment of hiding in the darkness and quiet. With the knowledge that there’s no avoiding what’s to come – telling Seokjin that he’ll be telling Yoongi; telling Yoongi everything – he cannot help but sink further into the bed, every minute passing by ushering in an ending of stolen time.

He has no idea how he’s going to bring any of this up to Yoongi. By the way, the person that I was with? It was Seokjin-hyung. Oh! And on top of that, I can’t seem to move on from him. Is that okay with you?

But it’s how Jeongguk knows that Hoseok is right. That if he had been upfront from the start, if he had told Yoongi-hyung everything, including his feelings, then, maybe, all three could have started rebuilding everything from a stronger foundation of trust. Maybe Yoongi wouldn’t have forgiven them, but there would have been a stronger chance for it compared to now.

“If that’s what you really want”

Nausea churns through him. Of course that’s what he wants. It has to be. Yoongi gave his heart to him a long time ago, and it's a responsibility he has to see through. 

He reaches for his phone, opening up Instagram to go through pictures of them together, hoping that the images jumpstart real emotions instead of phantoms of them. As he scrolls he sees that Jimin posted pictures of his dinner, that Taehyung uploaded a video of him getting ready for a night out, -

Seokjin on his tennis date. Outing. Whatever.

He tosses his phone away, and admonishes himself. Because as much as his friends like to tease him, Jeongguk isn’t jealous. He isn’t possessive. He’s never been like that with Yoongi. Maybe in a couple of his earlier relationships in high school and college, but he had gotten over it. And he hates that somehow it comes roaring out with Seokjin. He won’t delude himself into thinking that it’s something romantic when it isn’t. It’s childish and unhealthy and he knows this, and yet knowing that it’s wrong does nothing to suppress the sharpened knives he wants to yield whenever he sees anyone express an interest in Seokjin.

But when it comes to Seokjin, he finds himself doing things that he never thought he could or would do with anyone else.

It doesn’t help to know that he’s not alone in behaving like this. Jeongguk knows that he is Seokjin’s one blind spot, that for no other person would Seokjin have even thought to carry out this type of relationship, or to keep their secret for as long as he has. He’s not proud at having this effect on him, not when he knows it’s only caused Seokjin pain.

Fuck, he’ll have to talk Seokjin first. If he’s lost on what to tell Yoongi, he’s in agony at having to face Seokjin when the elder had finally begun to spend time with both Yoongi and Jeongguk again. I know I left you to deal with everything by yourself. I’ll be adding to that, actually - have fun with your best friend being pissed off at you because apparently I can’t stop thinking about you.

But he knows that he has to start figuring it out. 

He’s deep into his lament and scattered planning when he feels his phone vibrate next to him. 

Feb. 13, 2021

YOONGI HYUNG

What do you want to do for dinner?

You can come over and I’ll cook

Or we can order in?

[07:12 PM]

There’s a conditioned urge to respond in a way he knows Yoongi will like. Sure, I’ll come over. We can order in. It would lead with him going to Yoongi’s, maybe talk about the tasting – leaving out how happy he was to see Seokjin, how relieved he felt to be hugged by him, Hoseok’s confrontation – and ask Yoongi about his day.

But he can’t. Not with the way he’s feeling right now, like a million oversensitive nerves bundled together, rubbing each other raw.

So, again, he bends the truth.

I don’t think I can hyung

not feeling too well

[07:14 PM]

Ah probably all of the sugar

Do you want to me to bring over something light?

[07:14 PM]

Shame twists in his stomach, a fitting punishment.

no don’t worry about it

just going to try to sleep it off

[07:16 PM]

Ok, call me when you wake up to see how you’re feeling

Love you

[07:16 PM]

love you too

[07:17 PM]

Hoseok’s words echo in his mind.

When was the last time you thought to yourself, ‘I love him’?

He tries, again, to think. But he can’t see clear memories, only experiences muddled together in a sequence of events, as if Jeongguk’s brain feared delving any deeper than a surface-level recollection.  

His gaze floats around his room, unfocused. The room isn’t much to look at – if you manage to avoid tripping over the bed, you could probably move across it in five steps.

A small diffuser sits on his night stand and there are two shelves on either side of his window with Iron Man figurines that he should probably put away, but can’t bring himself to do so.

“Why?” Seokjin had asked when Jeongguk had mentioned the thought to him. Seokjin had probably thought that he had done a wonderful job at suppressing the roll of eyes the question brought, but Jeongguk had noticed it.

"I don’t know. Aren’t I too old to have this out?” he answered in a tense voice, grabbing the figurine that Seokjin had picked up from the elder’s hands. It’s not that he didn’t trust Seokjin, but Seokjin and Jeongguk could go from casually talking to roughhousing in a matter of seconds, and he had no interest in risking his precious collectibles.

“Guk, do you like them?”

He gave a half-hearted shrug. A week had passed since his disastrous dinner with Yoongi, and he had been roiled with uncertainties and insecurities ever since. Seokjin’s presence – a rare occurrence in those days – helped, but it didn’t stop the nagging thoughts that he was screwing up his longest relationship for reasons he couldn’t figure out.

Jeongguk liked to think that he and Yoongi were similar in what mattered and different in ways that kept their relationship interesting, but now he wondered whether they were growing together as well as he imagined.

Yoongi could spend an entire night reading philosophy while Jeongguk could spend hours out dancing. Yoongi visited historical sites to marvel at the architecture while Jeongguk visited arcades.

But Seokjin’s question was much simpler than all of the runaway circling in Jeongguk’s mind.

“… Yes,” he answered after a moment.

“Yoongi doesn’t care about what you own, but even if he did- You’re the only person you need to please, you know that right?” It wasn’t the words but the shift in Seokjin’s tone that startled Jeongguk. Gone was the bantering from earlier, replaced by a deeper and sincere voice. Suddenly, Jeongguk felt bare, and regardless of how close he was to Seokjin, he wasn’t ready to have his innermost doubts laid out for discussion.  

“You’re just saying that because you have this shit in your room, too,” he said, a not-so-subtle attempt at lightening the mood.

Instantly, Seokjin picked up on it. His face softened into a playful smirk, accommodating to Jeongguk’s quiet request. “Exactly, and isn’t your hyung the coolest person you know? So, what does that tell you?”

Scoffing, he gave Seokjin a gentle shove out of feigned exasperation, but the cramped space made Seokjin lose his footing and fall on Jeongguk’s bed.

Laughing, Seokjin loudly yelled, “Pushing me doesn’t make the truth go away, Jeongguk!”

He’s able to smile a little at the memory, but is unprepared for how this small tickle of amusement quickly blossoms into something bigger, a comforting warmth spreading throughout his body.

Jeongguk usually doesn’t like dwelling on the past. It’s a horrible habit that he can’t seem to break, but his mind instinctually traipses to regrets and failures instead of brighter memories. Consequentially, he’s instead learned to keep pushing forward without looking back. So, to experience this right now, a memory that’s innocent in nature, ghosts of soft laughter and teasing filling the silence of the room instead of the usual hushed reproachments that haunt him? Well, it leaves him breathless.  

He catches sight of himself in his window, the small close-lipped smile he had felt on his face now a wider and softer grin in the reflection.

Immediately, his smile drops. Stone-cold guilt floods in, locking his body from its relaxed warmth.

He covers his eyes once more, digging the heels of his palms into the sockets.

When was the last time you thought to yourself, ‘I love him’?

With hidden demons lurking in the crevices of recent memories, he focuses instead on remembering the first time he said ‘I love you’ to Yoongi.  

It had been a week since their five-month anniversary, and Jeongguk couldn’t wait any longer. It’s not that he particularly cared for these kind of things – yearly anniversaries and such were things he was happy to celebrate, but he also wasn’t one to want to commemorate every single little event either. Thankfully, neither was Yoongi. But the marker was notable nonetheless, not so much for what it was but for what it meant – this was now Jeongguk’s longest relationship and he felt none of the restlessness or indifference that had inundated his previous relationships.

Instead of cooling off and slowly ghosting each other as they lost interest, Yoongi and Jeongguk were finding new ways to let each other into their lives. Jeongguk had begun to spend more and more time with Yoongi and his friends and Yoongi was learning to trust Jeongguk with his quieter and more vulnerable sides.

There was genuine excitement in making plans with each other, and reliable happiness whenever they spent time together. What else could it be but love?

In truth, Jeongguk had wanted to say the words earlier, but he was afraid of scaring Yoongi off, of having him think that Jeongguk was only caught up in the whirlwind of graduation and living on his own, confusing finally enjoying their relationship as two people in the real world with real, hard-earned, never-ending love. But Jeongguk was certain. No one before had made as much sense to Jeongguk as Yoongi.

But he knew that didn’t mean that Yoongi felt the same. He didn’t doubt Yoongi’s affection for him, but Yoongi was older, more experienced. What was new and thrilling for Jeongguk may have just been normal phases for Yoongi, and he had no way of knowing because Yoongi never spoke of his past romances in detail.

Sure, there were throwaway comments at times – “oh, that’s the song I wrote after I broke up with so and so” or “I visited there once, when I was dating this person” – but the conversation usually ended there.

So, armed with curiosity and emboldened by shamelessness, Jeongguk sought out the next best source.

“Has Yoongi-hyung been in love before?”

Seokjin glanced quickly over to Jeongguk before directing his gaze back on the road, a smile on his lips. “That’s, uh, probably a question you should ask Yoongi and not me.”

They were on their way to Yoongi’s for dinner, the two heading over together after Seokjin had picked him up from work. The date was originally meant to be only for Yoongi and Jeongguk, but once Yoongi had found out that Seokjin had offered to drive Jeongguk over, he had invited his friend as well.  Despite Seokjin’s protests of being too old to third-wheel, they had managed to convince him with promises of his favorite chicken.

Jeongguk didn’t mind - he found that he really liked spending time with Seokjin.

“What good is having access to the best friend if you won’t give me the gritty details?” Jeongguk huffed, turning his body to face Seokjin with his best attempt at a stern face.

A guffaw slipped from Seokjin’s mouth, making Jeongguk’s thin-lined mouth tug into a smile.

“What will you offer me in return for Yoongi’s deepest secrets?” Seokjin hummed. “You can barely cook-”

“-Hey! I’m learning! You said you’d be supportive!”

“- You refuse to introduce me to your single older brother-”

“Junghyun-hyung is too good for you. I’m watching out for him-”

“- And you can’t even go five minutes without insulting me,” he finished, an unamused expression on his face as his free hand reached over to flick Jeongguk’s forehead, his attempt thwarted by Jeongguk’s hand immediately wrapping itself around Seokjin’s and pushing it down.

“So you’re not going to tell me?”

“Nope. You’re going to have get that information the good old-fashioned way. Talking to your boyfriend.”

Jeongguk settled back into his seat, crossing his arms over his chest but quickly schooling his voice and expression to appear unbothered.

“Fine,” he said, voice unaffected. “What about you?”

Seokjin snickered, glancing over again. “What about me?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Maybe it was too intimate of a question. They had only known each other for a couple of months and had only really begun spending more time together as of a few weeks. Jeongguk liked all of Yoongi’s friends, but there was a natural ease with being around Seokjin. The age gap between them was technically the largest, but in practice felt nonexistent. Not once did Jeongguk ever feel awkward around Seokjin.

But he knew that didn’t necessarily mean that they were so close that he could easily ask such private details.

And yet Seokjin answered breezily enough. “Yeah, once.”

Jeongguk snapped his head back to look at Seokjin, taking note of his relaxed demeanor before making the decision to push further.

“With who?”

“My last girlfriend in university, Yena. We were together for almost two years.”

There was a fondness in the way Seokjin spoke, a nostalgic tenderness in his eyes. Jeongguk doubted that any of his exes would remember him that kindly.  

“What happened?”

“Graduation. We had different dreams. Or rather, she had these huge, ambitious dreams, and I was more go with the flow. She got a job in Tokyo. I offered to go with her. To learn Japanese and find a job or whatever, but she said no. That I needed to figure out my own path. She was right, but I didn’t see it that way at the time.”

“So … she broke up with you?” He couldn’t keep the incredulity out of his voice. For however much he goaded Seokjin, he couldn’t ever imagine anyone walking away from him. Not because of his face or body – although he knew those could be reasons enough to stay for some people – but because Seokjin was … special, in his own way.

“No, I broke up with her.”

“Wait, what? Why?”

Seokjin gave a bittersweet smile, the dull pain of a lost love making itself known. Even if it had been years, even if he had moved on, Jeongguk could see that there was still a part of his body that remembered the love and the hurt.

“I thought I was doing her a favor. That she should have been able to experience a new environment without me holding her back. She was really mad at me.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Jeongguk muttered, but instantly rose his hands in defense when Seokjin turned briefly to narrow his eyes at him. “Sorry! It’s just- I mean, I really hate it when people try to make decisions for me, especially because they think they know better. It’s insulting. So, I can see why she was mad, that’s all.”

It didn’t take long for Seokjin’s stiff glare to break into a cool smile, letting out a quiet laugh. “No, I know I was an idiot. Sucks that I had to learn it the hard way, but you’re right. I thought love was being willing to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else, but really what I was doing was giving her no voice in the matter.”

“So, do you … still?”

“What? Love her?”

Jeongguk gave a small nod, engrossed in The Romantic History of Kim Seokjin and no longer worried about crossing boundaries with such personal questions.

Seokjin shook his head. “No, I don’t,” he answered casually, before pausing with a slight hum. “Well, mm. I think there might be a part of me that always will, but it’s not necessarily that I’m still in love with her, just that the person that I was then will always love the person that she was then too. I actually ran into her a couple of years ago, and it was nice to see her again, but we’re such different people now. I didn’t feel anything but nostalgia. It hurts to know that it ended the way it did because of me, but an end is an end, like it or not. The important thing is that we both moved on.”  

“Huh,” Jeongguk said softly, turning back to look at the road. “That’s really mature, hyung.”

Seokjin smiled, wide and bright. “I know, right? But don’t let my coolness fool you, Jeon Jeongguk. It took a lot of crying into a bottle of vodka to get to this point.”

The image of Seokjin at 21 years old - Jeongguk’s age now, he realized - drunk and heartbroken, made something inside of Jeongguk ache. It seemed jarring to think about given the Seokjin that sat beside him now, speaking so easily and freely about a dark moment in his life.

“Well, anyways,” Seokjin’s voice brought him out from his thoughts. “That was the first real heartbreak of Kim Seokjin. It’s only fair that someone with a face such as mine is humbled every now and then.”

“I don’t think she humbled you enough,” Jeongguk dryly retorted. But once the words were out, he immediately worried that the wisecrack maybe was a step too far.

Seokjin only laughed, making Jeongguk scrunch his nose into a smile. He liked their dynamic – it seemed that they could stretch and pull at each other in a number of ways without ever snapping off.

“No, and let’s hope no one ever does.”

They arrived at Yoongi’s shortly after, Jeongguk greeting his boyfriend with a longer than usual kiss to the loud complaints of Seokjin.

“Get a room.”

“Get a boyfriend, hyung.”

“I’m trying!”

Laughter and easy conversation accompanied their dinner, with Jeongguk holding Yoongi’s hand under the table, infatuated and resolved to make this work.

But when Seokjin left shortly after helping them clean up, he instantly felt some of his initial courage depart as well.

Jeongguk never thought that he would have a hard time telling someone he loved them. He wasn’t always forthcoming when he was feeling down or when he was angry with someone, but in matters of dating and relationships, he had never struggled with making his feelings known. If he liked someone, he told them. How could love be any different?

But as Yoongi cuddled into his side, the two watching a movie Jeongguk could not bring himself to pay attention to, Jeongguk hesitated.

It was hardly a romantic setting, and he had done nothing special to build up to it.

What if he had this all wrong? What if he was confusing love with something else? If he had never been in love before, how could he really know that’s what it was now?

But then he felt Yoongi slip his fingers between his own, an anchor amidst his swirling thoughts.

It was a risk, yes, but Jeongguk was never one to let doubt get in the way of taking a leap.

“Hyung?”

“Hmm?”

Quick and fast, like jumping off a cliff into the unending sea.

“I love you.”  

Yoongi straightened up, pulling away from Jeongguk to look at him, a questioning look on his face.

Jeongguk knew it was sudden, but it was real.

“I love you,” he repeated, a little slower, voice a little deeper, and relief washing over his body at being able to say the words. Yoongi’s face startled for only a second before breaking into a gummy smile as he ducked his head down to mutter, “Yah, this is how you bring it up?” in an incredibly endeared tone. Jeongguk giggled, and his heart swelled when Yoongi looked back up, face incandescently happy, to add, “I love you, too.”

The memory is warm and sweet, tinged in nostalgia and cotton candy softness.

It also feels punitively naïve.

There’s only fatigue in Jeongguk’s soul as he turns over to bury his face into his mattress. There was love once. It was there. Jeongguk had it in his hands, there should be no reason as to why he’s struggling so much now to recall the last time he had felt the words bloom in his chest, not out of a command, but out of a recognition of a rising tide of emotion.

His fingers, before he’s even cognizant of the movement, begin to make their way over to his nightstand. On it lies a philosophy book that Yoongi had lent him, but Jeongguk will be honest that he’s found it incredibly difficult to read more than a few pages at a time. However, right now he knows he’s not reaching for the book, no. In it, folded neatly in half, invisible to the wandering eye, is Seokjin’s note. Fingers dance over the book cover, but he knows that he shouldn’t open it, because running to Seokjin – whether it be to his words or his body – every time Jeongguk feels rattled is what has further complicated everything in the first place.

He won’t do that now. Refuses to use him like that in this moment. 

So, he withdraws his hand, but he sits up, looking for a pen and paper instead.

He drafts what he needs to say to Seokjin first.

That he’s struggling to get over him, and he needs to be honest with Yoongi about it. That Yoongi deserves to know everything regardless. That he knows he’s going back on his word of not naming Seokjin, but that this might be the only way forward for everyone. That he’ll understand if Seokjin chooses to never speak to him again after ruining everything in his life. That he’ll make it clear to Yoongi that all of this was Jeongguk’s fault, he’ll do as much as he can to protect their friendship even if it dooms Jeongguk’s relationships with them.

On another page, he starts jotting down words and phrases he has to be sure to say to Yoongi: That Jeongguk started it all. That he mishandled everything afterwards. That Yoongi is one of the most important people to him. That none of this was ever done with the intention to hurt him and he's sure the sentiment will sound meaningless, but it's true. That he does lov- That his feelings for Seokjin-

His hand gets ahead of his thoughts, writing and scratching things out, repeat. Jeongguk forces himself to breathe, and he reminds himself that he has a few days to find and say the right words.

He can’t be hasty, not with this, not with so much at risk. 

On the morning of Hoseok’s birthday celebration, Seokjin wakes up late.

He had intended to get up at eight, go for a run to clear his mind and shake out his limbs, and use the rest of his day to laze around until heading over to Jimin and Namjoon’s.

Hoseok’s actual birthday had been two days earlier, but he had wanted to spend the evening with his parents, sister, and brother-in-law, telling the rest of the group “I’ll see you all on Saturday. I have no desire having everyone present as my parents ask why I’m not on the path to marriage yet.”

They had decided to all meet at Jimin and Namjoon’s, seeing that their apartment was the most centrally located for dinner and clubbing afterwards.

So, in Seokjin’s dreams of perfect planning, the day would have started easily enough had he woken up at the time he had set his alarm for.

Instead of eight in the morning however, he wakes up at two in the afternoon.

Later, he will wonder if that was somehow a sign from the universe, a warning that his attempts at getting his life together might very well be for nothing.

But for now, Seokjin only curses at having missed his alarm.

There’s no real reason for the late wakeup, but he’s noticed that he’s been sleeping more and more lately, his body easily exhausted by the simplest of days. He entertains the idea that it’s a sign of aging, but he’s also well aware that a 28-year-old can’t really use that as an excuse.

Still, he tries to not fuss too much over it. He tries not to fuss over anything anymore, simply moving on from one task to the next, one day to the next.

If he’s tired, then he’s tired. No point in trying to read into things more than necessary.

Because of his late start, he skips the run, which leaves him rather restless as he rushes through the rest of his day making lunch, buying his groceries for the week, showering, and getting ready so that he can be at Namjoon and Jimin’s by seven, their agreed upon meeting time.

It’s all somewhat fine until he’s standing in front of his closet, trying to figure out what to wear.

He knows what he’s gravitating towards – black slacks and a neutral top, simple and in line for what he would usually wear for a dinner with friends – but he also knows that Jimin will absolutely have his head if he doesn’t wear something a little more fitting for a night out dancing.

So, he inhales deeply as his hands sort through his wardrobe, looking for clothing to wear for an activity he usually never does.

It’s not that Seokjin hates clubbing, but it’s not really his idea of fun. Usually, the nights end up with he, Namjoon, and Yoongi sitting back at the bar, only occasionally joining the rest on the dance floor for a song every now and then.

He tries to think of the last time he went out dancing, but as soon as his brain conjures up the memory of a sweaty Jeongguk pressed tight against his back, his arms slung loosely around his waist as he nosed along his neck whenever their friends weren’t looking, he shuts the memory down.

Because he can’t.

He can’t.

He’s been doing well lately; Or, at least he likes to think that he has. Whenever Yoongi wants to meet up – rare, but often enough – he’s there. The knot in his throat whenever Yoongi brings up Jeongguk or whenever one of their friends talks about the couple is easier to ignore now. And while he hasn’t spoken to Jeongguk since Jimin’s dessert tasting one week ago, he’s happy with the way it went. For the most part.

He still felt a dull ache at seeing Jeongguk – beautiful, teasing, wearing his ballcap [even if, by this point, he doubts that Jeongguk even remembers that it’s Seokjin’s]. It did feel nice to be able to relax in his presence, to joke and laugh with him as he used to, but for as much as he tried to live in the moment, there was still a thrumming of want.

Hugging Jeongguk goodbye, feeling the warmth of his body against his own for the first time since New Year’s, still felt like coming home.

But he meant what he said – he does think that they are, and will be, okay. A dull ache today when yesterday was searing pain is still an improvement. So, he thinks – or rather, hopes – that he’s slowly crawling out of the heartbreak. They haven’t spoken since then [And maybe, briefly, Seokjin felt a pang of disappointment at Jeongguk not initiating any conversation now that Seokjin had indicated that he was fine with talking again. And then he reprimanded himself for feeling that way at all.] but it’s only been a week, and he’s cautiously optimistic about where they are now.

So, he refuses to indulge in memories. They’re not helpful to his journey now, and they change nothing of the past. Tonight, he will see Jeongguk and Yoongi together and it will be okay.

It has to be.

He opens his eyes again, not having realized that he had closed them, takes a deep breath, and rummages through his clothes once more.

Eventually, he settles for a satin red button-down, a white bomber jacket with black embroidered flowers, and ripped black jeans. He’s in the middle of dabbing on some light makeup when he hears his phone ring.

Upon seeing Yoongi’s name, he answers.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hyung, are you still at home?”

“Uh, yeah,” he taps on the phone to check the time. “But I’m heading out soon.”

“Do you want to wait and ride with us? We can come pick you up.”

His reflection in the mirror stills, and there’s an instant recoil in his gut at the suggestion. He can’t even imagine how Jeongguk would be comfortable with it either.

Because he’s moved on, you idiot. Get over yourself.

He shuts his eyes tight. Whatever assumptions he has about Jeongguk don’t matter anymore. What matters is how Seokjin feels himself, and he knows that he’s nowhere near ready to spend time alone with Yoongi and Jeongguk, especially in the claustrophobic enclosure of a car.

“No, don’t worry about it Yoongs. I’m, uh, actually-” his mind filters through a million excuses, trying to come up with something believable, “- stopping by a friend’s first. So, um, no need.”

There’s a slight pause on Yoongi’s end before he responds with: “Oh, ok. So, I guess we’ll just see you at Joon and Min’s then?”

“Yep.”

“Ok. See you soon.”

“See you.”

The call ends and Seokjin clutches the sink as he lean his forehead against his mirror, smudging some of his foundation on it but it’s something he can’t bother himself over at the moment. He lets out a shaky exhale before leaning back to look at his reflection once more. Slowly, he schools the anxious twist of his lips into a polite, close-lipped smile.

He’s fine.

“What are you wearing?”

“Yah, Jimin-ah, there’s no way you can find something wrong with this. I dressed precisely to impress you of all people!”

“Relax, hyung, I’m just kidding,” Jimin says, grinning as he circles around Seokjin and grips his sides in appreciation. “You look great, but don’t you think you’ll get hot dancing with a jacket and a long-sleeve?”

“Well, I know you you’re used to seeing me dance hours on end between you and the rest of your demon squad, but I think this night I’m going to try something different and hang out with Joon and Yoongi at the bar,” he answers dryly.

“Yes, well you say that now,” Namjoon hums, “but the second Jimin finds someone for you – which he will – I’ll take your jacket so that you don’t suffer from heat exhaustion on the dance floor.”

“I- ok, fine. Thank you,” he answers somewhat hastily, not really having any desire to broach the subject of his love life on this night.

It’s not something that he’s shared with anyone, but since his dinner with Yoongi in January he’s forced himself to go on a couple of dates with people he’s found through dating apps.

It’s not that he deems himself even remotely ready to start anything with anyone yet - he hasn’t even kissed or slept with anyone new - but he figured he might as well try going out and getting to know other people, at the very least to remind himself that Jeon Jeongguk is not the only person in the world.

It’s an effort that’s been minimally successful. He’s had decent enough dates, sufficient distractions for an evening, but no one he’s wanted to meet up with again.

He's saved from the conversation and his thoughts with the arrival of Taehyung and Hoseok, the two often sharing rides since they live in the same neighborhood across the city.

There are hugs and kisses as they each take their turn wishing Hoseok a happy birthday, a frenzied and chaotic mess of love.

“Happy birthday my Hope,” Seokjin says as he squeezes Hoseok close, the younger laughing as he tries to loosen himself.

“Thank you, Jjwan,” he giggles before finally escaping Seokjin’s constricting hold. “How are you?” he asks, and Seokjin doesn’t pick up that the question comes in a tone that’s a touch more inquisitive than what it was before.

Seokjin shrugs, giving a standard response to a standard question. “Pretty decent.”

But, for some reason, Hoseok takes a second to gauge his response. There’s a cryptic look on his face, something which Seokjin can’t decipher within the flash of a second that he sees it, but before he can think too much about it, Hoseok’s observing eyes soften.

“Glad to hear that, hyung.”

Yoongi and Jeongguk arrive last, hand in hand, and Seokjin doesn’t lose his voice and he doesn’t look away. Instead, he joins the circle that welcomes the couple, waits for them to hug and wish Hoseok a happy birthday first, and then hugs them hello as well.

“Did you manage to stop by your friend’s ok?” Yoongi asks when Seokjin approaches him, and Seokjin, with all the practice that he’s had over the past few months, doesn’t even blink when he answers.

“Yeah. It was a work friend, we had gotten our credit cards mixed up at a hoesik” he says, voice lightheartedly annoyed, as if he wasn’t truly bothered [which of course he wasn’t, none of it was real] but only playing it up for the sake of entertainment. “Took like five minutes.” It should unnerve him, the fact that it’s so easy to lie to one of his oldest friends - the fact that Yoongi, who’s known for him so long, doesn’t even realize it - but it comes instinctually now.

“Well, good that you got that sorted out,” Yoongi answers, rubbing his shoulder as he moves on to Taehyung, leaving Seokjin with Jeongguk.

“You got a haircut,” are the first words the younger says to him, making Seokjin self-consciously reach to the back of his head.

“Um. Yeah. Like a trim. Wanted to keep it long but it was also getting to be a handful,” he answers, making a mindful effort to not give Jeongguk a once-over, but he fails terribly. Jeongguk looks great – he always does – in a black silk button down with a blue splatter paint design over it, his dark blue pants hugging his legs in all the right places.

“I like it,” Jeongguk says, and it takes Seokjin a second to remember they’re discussing his hair. “It looks good.”

"I've been meaning to tell you – I like the black. Like that you've still kept it long too."

The words reverberate in Seokjin’s head before he can help it, but he instantly wills them away, not wanting the reminder of them already so early in the evening.

“Thanks, Guk,” he mutters, before reminding himself that he can’t be awkward, that things are fine now, that he truly does want to be Jeongguk's friend. 

So, he grins, nice and wide, and adds, “It’s good to see you.” He pats Jeongguk’s arm for good measure, and if Jeongguk can see through his act, he doesn’t give it away.

They make their way to the restaurant, an eclectic and modern place known for their seafood only a couple of blocks away from the apartment building. The dinner goes by quickly enough as food and drinks are shared, everyone catching up on each other’s lives.

Hoseok laughs and laments over his birthday dinner with his family, but he speaks about his parents so lovingly that whatever complaints he has about their nitpicking can be easily disregarded. When Namjoon derails into a passionate discourse that he had during his academic conference, it’s only Jimin – who has almost certainly already heard these stories– who appears to be wholly captivated, while the rest of them shoot knowing looks across the table, completely endeared by Namjoon’s sincerity but a little lost over the actual substance.

Everyone’s relaxed and happy, and so is Seokjin, as long as he doesn’t stare right in front of him for too long.

Across from him, as stories are told and laughs are shared, Yoongi scoops the crab meat out of the shell to place on Jeongguk’s plate, the younger’s eyes wholly fixed on the action, the two completely lost in their own world. It’s a scene so utterly domestic and touching that it both settles and inflames something in his chest.

Sincere happiness for someone else.

Burning absence over someone else.

He rips his gaze from the two, sweeping over the table at his other friends instead, every single face smiling and laughing and he reminds himself that this is the best situation for everyone.

“Jin-hyung,” he hears suddenly, jostling him out of his thoughts, “did you hear me?”

He stares at Jimin blankly, not wanting to say no. But having no idea what the younger could have possibly said while he was lost in his thoughts, Seokjin can only sheepishly grin. “Ah, Jimin-ssi, how am I supposed to hear you when you’re all the way over there!”

The younger sticks out his tongue before smiling wolfishly. “I said, in honor of Hobi-hyung’s birthday, I’m going to make it my personal responsibility to make sure he ends up going home with the hottest guy tonight. Do you and Taehyungie want in?”

He can’t help but nervously laugh. “Want in for what?”

“My wingman services, duh.”

It’s Taehyung who torments next. “I don’t know how you’ll possibly find someone hotter than me and Seokjin-hyung. The three of us should just go home together, actually.” It’s a toothless proposal, one made to be provocative and fluster both Hoseok and Seokjin in one go, so Seokjin accommodates by complaining loudly that such an idea is ridiculous.

He isn't really that bothered by Jimin’s constant prodding of his love life, knowing that it comes out of a genuine, albeit slightly misguided, wish to see them all happy. If anything, he takes it as indirect confirmation that Taehyung is truly over him, because in no universe would Jimin so openly talk about Seokjin dating and sleeping with other people if he knew that Taehyung still had feelings for him. So, he sees no need in actually stopping these back and forths, knowing there’s no real intent behind it.

“Ugh, I’ve already proposed that to Hobi-hyung and Seokjin-hyung with my cousin and they shot it down,” Jimin responds, pouting. “Apparently, they’re ‘too close’ to get involved with each other.”

“He’s like my brother!” Seokjin exclaims, painting a playfully disgusted look on his face.

He doesn’t see that Hoseok isn’t looking at him. That he isn’t looking at Jimin, nor at Taehyung. Hoseok’s eyes, briefly, have floated over to Jeongguk and Yoongi’s side of the table, and if Seokjin were to follow his gaze, he’d be met with a Jeongguk who has parted his lips to release a breathless chuckle.

“Obviously, we’re all joking,” Hoseok clarifies - to whom, Seokjin doesn't know but he doesn’t think about it – and clears his throat. When Seokjin finally turns to look his way, he only sees Hoseok grabbing Taehyung’s hand next to him. “But I can settle for the third hottest person there, Taehyungie,” he says with a flirty lilt.

They wrap up their dinner and start ordering rides to the club, grouping each other off in sets of three and four. Taehyung, Hoseok, Yoongi, and Jeongguk head out first as he, Jimin, and Namjoon settle into the next car.

There’s a line at the entrance, but Taehyung – who’s in possession of the most interesting list of connections that Seokjin has ever encountered – easily gets them in, to the grumbles and curses of everyone they walk past.

It’s as they’re walking in that he feels fingers around on his wrist, gently holding him back.

He looks behind him, to the tattooed hand wrapped around his forearm, following the line of the arm until his eyes reach Jeongguk’s face, uncharacteristically stoic.

“Hyung, is it ok if we talk?”

Seokjin looks at him in confusion before glancing ahead of him once more, their group already out of sight.

“Right now?”

“No,” Jeongguk says, his eyes hard to read, “Later. I know we’ll probably be hungover tomorrow, but maybe Monday? I can pick you up from work?”

The idea sounds downright terrible, and Seokjin’s immediate instinct is to decline. But he takes note of how Jeongguk is asking him – voice an octave lower but earnest, looking at him straight in the eye. It’s not a question posed over text or call, where it would be easier to say no. So, while he doesn’t like the idea, he doesn’t feel right to dismiss it straightaway either.

“Can I think about it?” He holds Jeongguk’s gaze to communicate the concern of what he’s to say next. “Um. I’m just not sure if it’s a good idea for us to hang out yet.”

Jeongguk purses his lips and nods. “Yeah, of course. But I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t important.”

He wonders if Jeongguk wants to talk about them and how they’re going to navigate their friendship now that they seem to be a little more comfortable around each other. It’s a discussion he would rather not have, preferring the reconciliation to happen organically instead, but if Jeongguk wants to talk it out, then Seokjin has to at least consider it.

“I’ll let you know tomorrow, ok?”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk nods, a small, relieved smile twitching on his lips, as if the hope of a yes were just as good as one. “Thank you.”

They catch up to everyone else, no one having noticed their absence as half of the group crowds around the bar while the other half scout for a standing table to claim.

As the oldest, Seokjin heads to the bar as well, offering to buy the first round of drinks before they split off into Those Who Dance and Those Who Hang Back. They knock back shots at their small table, the bass booming throughout the club making it almost impossible to hear each other over screams of ‘Happy birthday!’ and ‘to Hobi!’. The fog of dry ice and flashing blue lights makes Seokjin feel like he’s somehow walked into a dream of Bacchanalian indulgence. He slides his jacket off, because as much as he hates to admit it, Jimin was right. The restlessness he's been ignoring since he woke up surges forward, and it already feels way too hot to be wearing two layers. A little concerning given that he hasn’t even made it out to the dance floor yet.

Before he knows it, there’s another round of drinks at the table. It’s Yoongi screaming and laughing now, ordering everyone to drink more. Yoongi doesn’t get like this in public often – loud and wild, completely carefree. It helps Seokjin somewhat loosen up as well, so he downs this shot too, the burn of tequila warming him from the inside out, numbing his anxiousness. 

“Ok! Now!” – it’s Taehyung’s voice that’s trying to battle against the music – “Because it’s Hobi-hyung’s birthday, we are ALL going to go out for the first song together-”

“-they don’t have to Tae-” Hoseok screams amidst tipsy giggles, the two shots already having their effect.

“Of course they do! They can come back to the table later! It’s just one song!”

“Gaja! He’s right, let’s go!” Yoongi bellows, already grabbing Jeongguk’s hand in one hand and Seokjin’s elbow in the other.

A push and pull amidst a sea of people dancing under flashing lasers until they manage to make space for their group of seven, Seokjin has only barely began to move along to the music when he feels hands on his shoulders.

“Jimin, what the hell are you doing?” he yells, flustered but somehow not completely against the fact that the younger is currently unbuttoning the top half of his shirt, revealing the lines of his chest.

“We’re showing the world what’s available, hyung! Trust me on this!” Jimin laughs back.

Seokjin doesn’t move to undo Jimin’s work. He doesn’t let shyness claim him. He decides to welcome it. To close his eyes and sway, letting the music guide his movements.

It feels nice to let go.

When he opens his eyes again, he experiences a slight disorientation in the darkness but he knows his friends are around him.

Jimin grabbing hold of Taehyung so that they can sandwich a hooting Namjoon between them. Yoongi is pushing himself back against Jeongguk’s chest, sliding his hands over his boyfriend’s arms to swing them around his waist.

And Seokjin can’t help it. His eyes search for Jeongguk’s face, only to see the younger’s eyes staring straight back-

“Seokjin-hyung! Dance with me!” he hears at once, Hoseok already roping him in, moving him to his rhythm.

Placing his hands loosely on Hoseok’s hips, Seokjin seeks solace in the distraction. 

Because Hoseok is happy, always so happy, and Seokjin just wants to borrow a little bit of it, a little bit of that unshakeable belief that things will somehow work out. So, he holds Hoseok as they dance to the music with everyone else, praying that happiness can permeate skin.

A song turns to two, then three. Partners are switched, then they dance together in a circle, as a group.  

Eventually the three who were bound to tire first make their way back to their table, sweaty and parched.

“Fuck,” Seokjin pants, “I’m going to get water from the bar. Do you guys want me to bring you back some?”

“God, yes. Do you need help?”

“Nah, I got it.”

He slithers into an open spot at the crowded bar, not even attempting to wave down the bartender who’s on the other end. Patience has always come easy for Seokjin, so he has no issue with waiting until the guy comes further down.

“Jin-hyung!”

It startles him because it’s a voice he doesn’t recognize, and when he turns to search for the owner of the voice in dim lighting, it’s a face he doesn’t know, staring back at him in equal confusion.

“Yeah?”

And it’s not Seokjin who answers, but the guy next to him, also swiveled around, looking at his friend and then back to Seokjin, probably wondering why this random person is staring at them.

It takes a second before it clicks.

“Oh!” Seokjin laughs, embarrassed, leaning in to the space of the man beside him because the music is so loud he won’t be heard otherwise. “Sorry! My friends also call me Jin!”

“Ooooh!” The guy behind them hoots, a growing smile on his face. “Well, this is my friend Jinwoo! Hyung, I was just going to ask for you to spot me a drink, but uh,” he gives Seokjin a very obvious look up and down, “that can wait! My friend Jinwoo is very single and very funny! Bye now!”

The man next to him, Jinwoo apparently, groans, mortification evident on his features even in the dark. “I’m so sorry! Don’t mind him, he’s very drunk!”

“No, it’s ok!” Seokjin says, waving it off. “I have a friend just like that too! Constantly trying to set people up!”

Jinwoo laughs, and-

Seokjin finally gets a good look at him. The first thing he notices is that the man is fit. His biceps stretch the sleeves of his shirt and his low neckline shows off his thick neck. He’s only slightly taller than Seokjin, but his build around his frame makes him look much larger. For some, it could be intimidating, but the man’s face is kind. Sweet.  

Seokjin stretches his hand out. “I’m Seokjin!”

It seems the man takes the opportunity to take him in as well. And he must like what he sees, because when he answers, he moves closer, wrapping his hand around Seokjin’s, firm and tight, “Jinwoo! Seems we have a lot of things in common then!”

“Wow, you are very strong!”

“Oh, I’m sorry! Grip too tight?”

“No! Just,” and Seokjin definitely has some alcohol coursing through his system because he has no shame as he lifts his free hand – the other still being held by Jinwoo – and grazes his fingertips across Jinwoo’s bicep. “I think your arm is bigger than my face.”

“Well, I should hope so! I’m a physical trainer, so I need to look the part!” If Jinwoo is flustered by Seokjin’s touching, he doesn’t show it. “What about you? Model?”

It’s terribly cheesy, and he can tell that Jinwoo knows it as well, but it has its intended effect as Seokjin is reduced to slapping his new friend’s arm, giggling as he ducks his head in sudden coyness.

It’s only with his head tilted downwards that he notices that half of his chest is exposed thanks to Jimin’s stunt earlier. It doesn’t embarrass him so much as it emboldens him.

This is flirting. He’s flirting with another person without forcing himself to do it. He can’t remember the last time he felt a spontaneous attraction to someone. It’s terrifying and relieving all at once to know that he’s already in the middle of it with little hesitation.

“I’m in marketing!” he answers. “Less fun, but probably for the best!”

“I’m sure the industry thanks you for your sacrifice!” He lets go of Seokjin’s hand but scoots in closer, enough that Seokjin can smell the subtle cologne on him. Seokjin doesn’t take a step back. He straightens up, smug and proud, his body immediately recalling how it would weaponize confidence to his advantage.

“Well, it’s nice to know a person like you thinks so!”

“I do!" he confirms, just as confident. "What are you drinking?” Jinwoo asks, successfully waving the bartender down to their side. And Seokjin must truly be impressionable right now, because he finds the move incredibly attractive. 

But then he remembers he’s at the bar for a reason.

“Fuck,” Seokjin laughs. “I’m supposed to be getting water for me and my friends!”

Jinwoo hums. “Can’t interest you in a drink before you head back to them?”

“Of course you can!” A loud voice chirps right next to him, startling Seokjin.

“Fucking hell! Where the fuck did you come from?”

Jimin throws his head back in laughter. “I’m getting the next round of birthday drinks!”

Seokjin tries to spot their group, but the club has filled up so much since they arrived that he can barely see the tops of their heads past the crowd.

"Hyung, you stay here with your new friend! I can bring everything back!”

And it’s not that Jimin’s presence ruins the mood, but it instantly sobers Seokjin up so that self-consciousness floods over him. Suddenly, he feels too exposed, too much under the spotlight. He places a hand on Jimin’s shoulder, strong and steady.

“No, I’ll head back with you.” His timbre is resolute enough that Jimin knows he can’t badger Seokjin into staying.

“Ugh, I fucked it up, didn’t I?!” he hears Jimin wail, and to his surprise Jinwoo answers before he can.

“Not at all!” He responds, greatly amused instead of horribly put-off. The man is a stranger, yes, yet Seokjin finds himself charmed regardless by his easygoing nature. That’s probably why something tingles under his skin when Jinwoo leans into his space once more.

“Seokjin-ssi,” Jinwoo brings his mouth close to Seokjin’s ear, reducing his need to yell but the words sound loud to Seokjin all the same. “If you want to find me later, I’ll be out there,” he suggests, motioning towards the dance floor.

His voice is enticing, and with the alcohol and dark lighting, it’s almost enough to enchant Seokjin into following this man he doesn’t know. It would have been enough for a Seokjin from before, eager to experience all the different kinds of likes and attractions that there could be between two people.

But for now, “it was nice to meet you,” is all that Seokjin responds. It’s not necessarily a dismissal, but it’s all that he can give at the moment.

Jinwoo nods in understanding, still helps them order their drinks and waves them goodbye as they walk back to their table.

“Hyung, he looked like sex on legs!” Jimin bemoans as they carry their drinks back. “If you don’t want him, I’m throwing Hoseokie-hyung or Tae in his direction!”

Seokjin wants to retort with a joke or a tease – show that he’s taking all of it in stride – but he’s overcome with an urge to scream.

He is trying. He wants to want, to have the desire to kiss the first pretty girl or boy who looks his way. But he can’t, because every time he even considers it, he feels the memory of a touch that belongs to someone he cannot name. And he hates that he can’t even discuss any of this with anyone. That shame and guilt has him so cut off from everyone else.

But he doesn’t say this.

“Next time, Jimin-ssi.”

He’s surprised to find that everyone has come back to the table, and wonders if he was at the bar for longer than what he thought.

“Hyung, where’s the new boyfriend? The one apparently worth abandoning us in our hour of thirsty needs!” Yoongi asks with mischievous cackles, theatrically straining his neck as if he were trying to locate Jinwoo.

“Haha, I can take all of these waters back you know!” He says as he begins to distribute the plastic cups, automatically handing Yoongi one first. 

“He’s hot, hyung.” It’s the third time tonight Jeongguk looks at him straight in the eye when he speaks. His voice is casual enough, but the way he raises his brow at Seokjin hints at a challenge.

“Yeah, well …” Seokjin trails off, puzzled by the look Jeongguk gives him. It’s not jealousy, Seokjin can tell that much. It feels like it’s something more akin to amused disbelief.

“Oh, you should have seen them! They were so wrapped up into each other that hyung didn’t even notice I was standing right next to him!”

Jeongguk laughs dryly but says nothing more as he lifts his beer to his lips.

“Yah! Why are we all standing around here! Let’s go back out there!” Hoseok screams suddenly, pulling both Taehyung and Jeongguk with him. Taehyung follows easily enough, giggling and wrapping himself around Hoseok, but Jeongguk tugs himself back.

“I’ll stay here.”

“No, jagiya, come on, dance with me.” Yoongi – high off of Hoseok’s energy – takes the last sip from his water and grabs hold of Jeongguk’s hand, dragging him as they follow Hoseok and Taehyung to the dance floor.

The four disappear into the crowd almost immediately, and Seokjin is surprised that Jimin and Namjoon stay put next to him.

“You’re not going?” He’s asking Jimin more than he’s asking Namjoon, but Jimin only shakes his head and leans back into Namjoon’s chest.

“Want to spend some time with this guy here for a bit,” he answers, lifting his hand back to pat at Namjoon’s cheek, his engagement ring shining in the darkness. In front of him they disappear into their own world, not as an intentional move to make Seokjin feel excluded, but in the natural way couples do when their eyes lock and everything around them becomes noise.

The sight fills Seokjin with longing and a rush of memories and sensations that are so wholly unwelcome, he finds himself reaching for Hoseok’s unfinished drink, using it to chase his own before walking away.

He meanders with no real direction, but the movement of the crowd inevitably pushes him into the dance floor.

It’s much more tightly packed now than it was when Seokjin had been dancing with his friends, but the rum from his and Hoseok’s drinks has him not minding it at all. He can’t really see anyone he knows from where he’s standing. A sea of unfamiliar faces surrounds him instead and finally, finally, Seokjin is as alone as he feels.

It’s not long before someone attaches themselves to his back, but he doesn’t care. He lets a stranger’s hands on his hips guide him. He doesn’t know this song – he’s often horribly behind on the trends anyways, only catching a glimpse here and there from Jeongguk’s playlists – but the person behind him seems confident enough to know how they want Seokjin to move.

So, he follows their steps, their waves, drifting away from his mind and into his body. Until he feels them press against him, their arousal obvious and their intentions clear, and Seokjin’s forced to push them away.

“I’m not interested,” he mumbles, looking for another spot to lose himself in. The beat changes into something hard and fast, and everyone around him begins to jump, vines of arms shaded in blue blocking his view.

It has him stumbling until he finds himself staring at Hoseok, wholly wrapped around an incredibly attractive man, tongue halfway down his throat.

He laughs to himself, almost wants to go back to their table and grab Jimin to let him know he can at least rest assured that the birthday boy will likely get laid.

But looking around him, he notices that neither Taehyung nor Yoongi and Jeongguk are near, everyone probably claiming their pleasure for the night.

The realization only heightens his profound sense of loneliness.

It’s terribly cliché, he thinks, tipsy and giggling to himself. The sad person in the middle of a crowd in ecstasy.

Fuck, he can't do this. Can't wallow in a fucking club.

Five seconds - that’s what he gives himself to regroup before he heads back to his table, to sketch a smile on his face before he returns to the familiarity of Jimin and Namjoon.  

Five-

Four-

Three-

Two-

He feels another hand on his hip.

“Seokjin-ssi! You made it!”

A second chance.

Seokjin will take it.

He grins at the man in front of him, slinking in closer until his own hands rest on the Jinwoo’s waist and his lips brush against his ear.

“Can I get that drink now?” His voice comes out sultry and smooth, and the way Jinwoo smirks means that Seokjin won’t have to do much to get whatever he wants.

Whatever he needs.

“Of course, but … is it ok if we dance a little first?”

What a gentleman, Seokjin thinks, asking instead of taking.

Seokjin nods, and within seconds his arms are around Jinwoo’s neck and his legs part for Jinwoo’s thigh.

“Fuck, you’re incredible,” Jinwoo exhales into his ear as his hands caress his sides, probably marveling at how his fingers can wrap around waist.

God, it’s nice to hear. To be treated as something other than a secret or a distraction. The thinly veiled desire encourages Seokjin to be reckless.

“My tongue is better.”

The way Jinwoo’s eyes comically widen has Seokjin suppressing an endeared smile. He’s rarely ever this forward, and when he is, it’s mostly in jest, to knock his opponent off-balance. Never as a genuine attempt at seduction.

Seokjin threaded his hand through Jeongguk’s hair, savoring the way Jeongguk’s jaw clenched ever so slightly. “Hm, is that so?” he mused softly.

They had been having a debate of sorts.

Who, out of the two of them, was the weakest?

Before, when both were people with a semblance of morals, they would usually try to settle this in more inoffensive ways: wrestling, taking turns on a punching bag at the gym, one trying to bridal-carry the other for the entertainment of their friend group.

Seokjin almost always lost.

But now, they were on far more even playing ground.

Jeongguk nodded, seemingly unbothered, until he felt Seokjin tighten his hand and yank his head back. An inaudible gasp slipped from Jeongguk’s mouth, and the younger looked vexed at having the sound stolen from him.   

Seokjin had him right where he wanted, or so he thought. “So, me on my knees, mouth open for you – that wouldn’t do a thing?”

He expected to be pushed down on the couch. To be stripped in a state of frenzy. For Jeongguk to break first.

Jeongguk’s lips quirked into a smirk, the eyes of someone who will prematurely claim victory in order to ensure it as an outcome. Of someone who refuses to let go of control.

He slid down from the sofa, parting Seokjin’s legs to kneel between them.

Strong hands gripped his thighs as Jeongguk tilted his face up to look at Seokjin.  

“I don’t know,” he said, tauntingly. “You tell me.”  

Seokjin pulls himself out of the memory before it can go further - he can't let his mind sabotage him right now, can't let it take form as a ghost of Jeongguk wrapped around him, glaring at this person who has been able to make Seokjin finally feel something.

Jinwoo chuckles at the words, but he doesn’t surge forward like Seokjin expects and - sort of, kind of - wants right now. What he does do is tighten his grip around Seokjin’s waist and bring his hips flush against his own. And he does lean forward to say “I’ll be glad to let you prove it” before pulling back with a satisfied smile. It’s a little thrilling to be forced to wait, to remember what it’s like for anticipation to build as they dance together and suggestive lyrics propose ideas for later.

So Seokjin lets his body take the reins, empties his mind of all thoughts as he feels Jinwoo’s chest against his own. The anticipation rises into a crescendo and Seokjin is about to break first when Jinwoo finally closes the gap.

Suddenly, he remembers Jeongguk kissing Yoongi at their New Year’s Eve celebration only days after The Last Night, so easily moving on and forward.

It’s a little ridiculous, he thinks as he opens his mouth for Jinwoo, how much he would fret over the idea of kissing someone new. Because right now, Seokjin’s tongue is meeting Jinwoo’s with eager lust, mapping this new territory, and he's almost able to tune out every thought.

They’re still dancing, or as close to dancing as two people making out can get, grinding into each other as sweat and heat build on their skin.

It’s not long before Jinwoo starts to kiss along his jaw and then down to his neck, Seokjin encouraging the action by tilting his head back and sliding his fingers into his hair.

Seokjin doesn’t really do random hookups anymore, mostly because it’s far too easy. There’s hardly ever any chase in it, not when he knows that it only takes one look for someone to ask him if he wants to come home with them.

But this right now feels good.

Right now, Seokjin likes how he’s being kissed. How he’s being held. Wanted.

Maybe he’ll regret this come morning, but right now? Right now, he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t know how long they last like this and by now he’s long forgotten that he’s here with other people. All he wants is more and more, to be drowning in someone else’s touch that it makes him forget about everything else.  

When Seokjin is forced to break their current kiss, in need of air and rest for his numbed lips, Jinwoo moves his kisses to Seokjin’s face.

“I want you,” he mouths onto his cheek.

For tonight, for Seokjin, that’s enough.

“Ok,” he exhales. “Let’s get out of here.”

Jinwoo pulls away slightly, eyes hooded and lips swollen, with a slight hesitance.  

“I- how drunk are you?

Cute. But Seokjin’s sobered up quite a bit by now.

“I’m fine,” he says, playfully rolling his eyes, “but it’s sweet of you to ask.”

“Ok, then. Your place or mine?”

“Yours.”

“Fuck.” Jinwoo presses his lips to Seokjin’s once more. “Wait for me while I close out my tab?”

Seokjin nods, finally remembering that he’s not at the club alone. “That’s fine. Have to find at least one of my friends and tell them I’m heading out anyways. Just, uh, meet me outside.”

It’s a blur of movements after that. Hands locked together as they move away from the crowd before they let go – one heading for the bar, the other towards friends.  

He’s immediately teased by Yoongi as he reaches for his jacket from the pile they had made underneath the table.

“Hyung, that was quite a show. Getting ready for the second act?”

Seokjin’s ears flush scarlet. “Oh god, how did you even see? It’s like a mosh pit out there.”

“We were trying to make our way back here. Only saw like a second though before we were shoved out of the way. I don’t know how you guys do this all the time,” Yoongi says, directing the last statement at Hoseok.

“B'cause ’s fun,” he responds, red and sighing contentedly. 

It's only then that Seokjin realizes it’s only Hoseok and Yoongi at the table.

“Wait, where’s everyone else?”

“Dancing or getting more drinks. If you want something specific, text Namjoon. It’s his turn to order.”

Seokjin resists the urge to look back at the dance floor, to get a final glimpse at someone he should be forgetting.

“Ah, no, actually,” he says, letting go. “I’m heading out.”

Yoongi and Hoseok’s eyes widen simultaneously, Yoongi immediately whooping.

“WAIT, YOU’RE ACTUALLY GOING HOME WITH HIM?! KIM SEOKJIN!”

“What?” He bemoans. “Don’t make this a thing! I saw Hobi making out with someone too, why aren’t you on his case?”

“I got his number,” Hoseok says, his smile dopey and proud until the corner of his lips droops. “Wait- wait, hyung, you sure about this?” He looks at Seokjin and then at something off in the distance. His speech is slurred but he speaks with a sense of urgency when he says, “You- you know that you don’t haf’ to p-prove anything to anyone, right?”

And Seokjin appreciates the concern, but he can’t help but start to feel a little annoyed at all of the over-examination his love life has undergone tonight.

“Yes, god, I am. Just let me go fuck in peace,” he whines. It’s petulant and childlike, but it gets them to laugh, even if Hoseok’s laugh is a lot more muted. But, well, Hoseok under the influence of the most minimal of alcohol is always more subdued so Seokjin tries to not overthink it.

“Go, please,” Yoongi grins, delighted. “We’ll tell the others you said goodbye.”

“Thank you,” he says, slipping on his jacket as he turns to look at Hoseok. “Happy birthday, Hobi.”

“Just … be safe, hyung. Hav’ fun.”

He nods and waves goodbye, eager to be back in the escape Jinwoo provided.

“Don’t forget to use protection!” he hears Yoongi yell behind him.

Seokjin lifts his middle finger up as his only response.

The cold air nips at his overheated skin, but it’s more liberating to his system than shocking. He spots Jinwoo almost immediately, greeting him with a hard kiss that continues as they wait for the ride Jinwoo ordered to arrive. 

Once the car pulls up, they waste no time; they both know what this is. Seokjin feels a little bad that the driver has to put up with two people making out in the back of his car, but his sense of propriety only reaches so far.

It’s only when they take a second to breathe that they finally speak.

“By the way, your friends are adorable.”

Seokjin hums, pressing light kisses across Jinwoo’s neck. “What do you mean?”

“I ran into a couple at the bar. One of them was very drunk and kept telling me to take care of you and to make you happy.”

Seokjin throws his head back, remembering that it was Namjoon getting more drinks. And knowing that Namjoon would never behave that way, it only leaves one option.

“Oh my god, I swear I’m going to kill Jimin,” he says, skin mottling red in mortification.

“See, I think it’s cute that they care this much. All my friends said was ‘Get it, hyung.’”

“Trust me that’s much better,” Seokjin says, before smoothing his voice into something silkier for the moment. “Now, kiss me again.”

Seokjin pants, limp and satisfied. Remnants of orgasm are still coursing through his body, erratic sparks along wires of hot energy as he calms down.

The sex had been good. Better than good if the undercurrent of arousal still humming in his skin is anything to go by.

So, he knows that he should be feeling better. He’s overcome a mental block; he’s let himself find pleasure in the touch of another. And he does feel happy with himself to some extent.

But as he stares up at the taupe ceiling of Jinwoo’s bedroom, the euphoria of orgasm gradually fading, he has a moment of panic. The damp sheets beneath him, the sweat cooling on his chest, the cotton of a wash towel wiping at his skin – all are sensations that are terribly familiar and numbingly foreign at the same time. What he did was perfectly okay; but for a fraction of a second, it feels very, very wrong.

“You ok?”

“Hm,” Seokjin nods. Calm down, you’re fine. You’re allowed to have sex, Seokjin. “Yeah.”

He turns on his side, appraising the scene before him. Red marks on the juncture between Jinwoo’s neck and shoulder shine vibrantly against his flushed skin – it’s been a while since Seokjin could have someone like this.

Tossing the towel into a hamper, Jinwoo turns off the lights before crawling back into bed. He rests his head in one hand, leaning over Seokjin, and places the other hand on his waist.   

“It’s up to you, but,” he traces a finger across the lines of Seokjin’s abdomen, “I won’t mind if you stay.”

Reality starts to seep into this break from it.

“Look, you should know that I’m not, um, looking for anything right now,” he whispers into the dark.

Jinwoo is kind and fun and funny, all the things that could help remind Seokjin that there’s so much more to experience if he lets himself have it. 

But the fog of dancing, drinking, and fucking has cleared, and Seokjin still has to repair all the little fractures of his heart before even thinking about letting someone new have access to it. 

Although he can’t see Jinwoo’s reaction at his words, he takes comfort in the amiable laugh he hears, the bass of his voice attractive and soothing.

“That’s fine,” Jinwoo says. “Doesn’t change the fact that we had fun. And really, the offer stands. Not really in the habit of kicking out people I hook up with at three in the morning.”

Seokjin exhales in relief, settling deeper into the bed.

“Good,” he sighs, "because your sheets are really soft.”

In an unusual reemergence of his sensitive sleeping, he opens his eyes as light begins to fill the room. He lifts his head from Jinwoo’s chest, grimacing as his body starts to waken. It doesn’t take long for him to dress, but he does it quietly. His phone had read 7:15 when he checked it – barely four hours of sleep – and he would feel guilty if he woke Jinwoo up.

He waits for the ride he ordered in the living room. It’s a nice apartment, he realizes. He wonders if Jinwoo is a physical trainer for actors or idols. From what he’s seen, he’s probably charming enough to work with the prickliest of people.

If Seokjin had maybe met him two months from now, this scene could probably play out differently. Seokjin would have forced himself to have fallen back asleep, but he would have struggled to do so - an excitement over getting to know Jinwoo better would have kept him awake. Maybe once awkward but endeared ‘good mornings’ were exchanged, they would have gone out to get breakfast. They would have talked about their friends and families over coffee and soup, and eventually, make plans for a real date later in the week.

Had it been two or three months from now, maybe, this could have been the start of something new.

Seokjin grants a small smile to himself.

It’s a nice dream for someone else.

His phone chimes and he exits the apartment. He doesn't leave a number or a last name. 

On the ride home, Seokjin drifts in and out of sleep, his eyes only capturing the haze of Seoul bathed under blue morning light through the passenger window. Before he realizes it, he’s rolling it down, leaning his head slightly to breathe in the cold, fresh air. He doesn’t leave it rolled down for too long, wouldn’t want the driver to freeze, but it's enough for the frigid air to pass through him. He might not be better, however that can be defined, but he certainly does not feel worse. What he does feel, like a sigh of spring in winter, is that he's moving forward with time.

The first thing Seokjin does when he’s back home is hop into the shower. He snickers quietly when he sees his reflection in the mirror, his own neck and chest brushed in pink and purple. The warm water soothes his tired muscles and relaxes him enough to want sleep again. So, he buries himself under his covers, and lets exhaustion claim him once more.

His phone, placed on silent to not disturb his sleep, sits on his bedside table. Eventually, it will read:

JEON JEONGGUK
Missed call (2)

Chapter Text

THREE MONTHS AGO

(A Morning after a Night Out)

Seokjin could feel a nose twitching on his shoulder, a heavy arm across his waist, a sturdy thigh wrapped across his left leg. As if trying to meld their bodies together, Jeongguk had smushed himself to Seokjin’s side, burrowing even closer as he slept.

“Guk,” he whispered, tilting his head down to brush his lips against Jeongguk’s forehead. “Wake up.”  

They were in Jeongguk’s bedroom, his unbelievably small bed complicit in Jeongguk’s attempts to cover Seokjin’s body with his own.

“No,” he grumbled. “Shh, hyung. Go back to sleep.”

Seokjin squirmed, his body sore from a night of drinking, dancing, and sex. He sighed loudly and dramatically, hoping Jeongguk would get the hint and release him.

But Jeongguk merely held on tighter.

They had gone out to a club the night before with Jimin and Hoseok, supposedly to help Jimin blow off some steam from wedding planning.

Seokjin hadn’t initially been on board with joining them, but Jeongguk had insisted. ‘It’ll be fun, hyung; I promise to pay for your drinks, hyung [Seokjin had rolled his eyes at this]; I’ll behave, hyung.’

He hadn’t.

Jeongguk hadn’t let anyone else dance with Seokjin, had barely even let Jimin or Hoseok touch him.

It was something that Seokjin had noticed before, at least to some extent, but had never really given it much thought. Jeongguk never really asked him about his dates, would easily misremember the names of people Seokjin had brief relationships with, and would always be there as soon as those flings were over.

It was different when Seokjin dated Taehyung, however. Taehyung and Jeongguk were friends. He couldn’t as effortlessly dismiss the relationship or the person as he had done with the others. Even so, there were times when Jeongguk behaved in a way that should have risen some questions from Seokjin. The way Jeongguk played around with Seokjin more than normal on their double dates, massaging his thigh or neck in the middle of dinner, should have made Seokjin suspicious.

But Seokjin simply wrote those moments off as Jeongguk being unwilling to share Seokjin’s attention. Even now, laying in his bed when they hadn’t even planned to go home together, Seokjin didn’t really ascribe Jeongguk’s actions at the club to anything other than harmless jealousy.

He was, of course, aware that he should technically be put off by such acts of possessiveness. But in the privacy of his own thoughts and desires he could admit that he liked it. He liked it when Jeongguk claimed him as his.

Because for as much as he liked to pretend otherwise, there was always a voice in the back of his head, often ignored but always cutting, warning Seokjin that whatever he had going on with Jeongguk wasn’t real, that none of this would last.

After all, he wasn’t Jeongguk’s, and most importantly, Jeongguk wasn’t his.

So, he took what he could.

If other people paying attention to Seokjin made Jeongguk move closer, huff into his neck as his fingers gripped his waist, so be it.

He knew that he shouldn’t encourage it. From no other person would he have tolerated it.

But Jeongguk’s jealousy was more petulance than anything else. His pout, his clinginess, was, in a way, endearing. Perhaps a rude comment or two would escape him, but that’s as far as it went – he was far more focused on fervently trying to prove to Seokjin that only he was worthy of Seokjin’s attention.

And Seokjin let him prove it. Seokjin let him take him home, take him to bed. Seokjin encouraged Jeongguk every step of the way.

“Fuck, Seokjin,” Jeongguk had moaned, low and throaty, chanting Seokjin’s name like an incantation as Seokjin fucked him. Seokjin loved hearing his name like this, wrapped and caressed by Jeongguk’s voice dripping with desire.

“Seokjin-hyung, please,” he had begged, and Seokjin twisted his hips just right so that Jeongguk could think of nothing else but him and the moment.

In that moment, Jeongguk was his.

[Maybe Seokjin was possessive as well.]

[Maybe they brought out all the parts in each other that they shouldn’t.]

Seeing that Jeongguk refused to wake up, Seokjin considered his options. He could wriggle out of Jeongguk’s arms – the man would most likely try to hold him closer, but Seokjin was sure he could escape if put his mind to it – or he could stay in bed.

Stay in this stolen moment.

Seokjin shut his eyes.

This was the problem. Whenever he and Jeongguk were ‘on’ – joking around, cooking together, fucking, or whatever – Seokjin could, a little too easily, free himself of all regrets and doubts.

But once the noise died down and his euphoria settled, the guilt creeped back.

Today.

Today will be the last day. You can come back from this if you end it today.

A fluttering sensation on his neck interrupted his thoughts. Waves of gentle kisses descended upon his skin, Jeongguk humming throughout the adoration.

His eyes blinked open slowly, already relaxing into this high, complicated feelings receding as quickly as they had come.

“I thought you wanted to sleep,” he sighed, fingers curling into Jeongguk’s hair.

“This is better,” Jeongguk murmured, interrupting his own words with another small kiss on the column of Seokjin’s neck. “You smell like me.”

“I’m gross. I should shower.”

Seokjin could feel a hand roaming across his chest, fingernails slowly trailing down to his stomach.

“Sure. You can borrow some of my clothes then.”

A warm tingling sensation ran across Seokjin’s spine with the words. Jeongguk was anything but subtle, and Seokjin couldn’t help but tease.  

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just get your name tattooed across my neck?”

He couldn’t see, but he could feel Jeongguk’s lips widen into a smile on his jaw.

“What do you think I’m doing right now?” he said, laughing, before sweetly sucking another mark on him.

“Jesus, you’re incorrigible,” Seokjin responded coolly, trying his best to not give Jeongguk the satisfaction of another sigh. “I came home with you, didn’t I?”

Jeongguk hummed again, the sound vibrating against his throat until the younger pulled away. The mattress squeaked and groaned as Jeongguk brought himself to hover over Seokjin, a smug grin on his face before he leaned down to kiss “Yeah, you did” against his lips.

“Incorrigible,” Seokjin repeated softly, the word swathed in fondness.

Today, Seokjin. Today. Before Yoongi comes back from New York.

But the words floated away like dust as Jeongguk’s hand tucked some of Seokjin’s caramel locks behind his ear, his fingers lingering on the warm skin.

“Your ears say otherwise, hyung.”

Knowing that he was cursed by a traitorous body, Seokjin switched tactics. He licked his lips and puckered them into an exaggerated pout, stifling a laugh as he witnessed how quickly Jeongguk’s eyes zeroed in on his mouth.

“Be nice to hyung, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk’s dazed look shifted into a delighted grin and he brought his lips to Seokjin’s once more.

These were the moments when Seokjin liked to pretend that there was something real between them. That what Jeongguk felt for him was more than lust mixed with jealousy.

But Seokjin supposed that it didn’t really matter whether he did or didn’t. It’s not like anything could actually come of it. He shouldn’t even want for it.  

Jeongguk’s tongue pushed into his mouth, and the thoughts excused themselves from his mind once again.

Shamefully and shamelessly, Seokjin told himself to enjoy this for now.

After all, the time would eventually come when he would have to let go.

Today, Seokjin.

Or, perhaps, maybe tomorrow.

PRESENT

It’s almost ten in the morning by the time he wakes up again, stretching his stiff arms above his head and twisting his back to loosen it up. The idea of coiling around his body pillow and drifting off again is tempting, especially after an interrupted sleep, but he wants to be better about getting his day started at a reasonable hour.

Still, like molasses in winter, he takes his time in moving through his morning. Ambling off to the bathroom before unhurriedly tidying up his bed, it’s a while before he finally checks his phone to see if he has anything he needs to do later on in the day.

At once, every one of his senses jolt awake.

He’s surprised – and more than a little unsettled – by the missed calls he has from Jeongguk.

His thumb hovers over his name, unsure if he should return the calls now that he’s seen them, or ignore them, setting them aside until he’s sure he can handle whatever Jeongguk wants to talk about.

His first thought is that maybe they’re calls to ask about meeting up on Monday but, given both calls were made early in the morning, he highly doubts it.

There are other – likelier – reasons behind the calls, but he doesn’t let his mind wander there.

He shakes his head. There’s no point in overanalyzing when he has no information on hand.

What he knows is this: had this been a few weeks or even just a few days ago, he would have ignored it for as long as he possibly could, hoping that Jeongguk would get the message.

But he considers himself stronger now. Whatever Jeongguk wants to throw his way is fine, Seokjin can take it.

He presses call.  

It barely gets past the first ring before Jeongguk picks up.

“Hyung.”

Seokjin clears his throat, trying his best to not jump to any conclusions upon hearing the younger’s detached tone.

“Guk. What’s up?”

A beat.

“Are you busy?”

“No, I- I just woke up. Why?”

Another pause, but Seokjin can hear how Jeongguk sucks in a breath.

“Can I come see you?”

Seokjin’s mouth parts slightly. He doesn’t even try to keep the confusion out of his voice when he answers.

“What do you mean? Like, now?”

“Yes.”

He says it so brazenly, as if there weren’t a million reasons as to why Seokjin would hesitate to agree.  

“You can’t just- I could be with- with someone, you can’t just ask that.”  

He can’t see it, but he can hear Jeongguk rolling his eyes as he says, “You don’t bring one night stands back to your apartment. Besides, you just said you weren’t busy.”

He feels like he should say no. This entire situation feels frighteningly familiar, and he has no desire to fall back into past tendencies with Jeongguk anymore, not when he’s been working so hard to get back to himself.

“It’s not- I don’t care about what you did last night,” Jeongguk says quietly, disrupting his thoughts. “This has nothing to do with that.”

“Then why do you want to come over?”

Seokjin can picture Jeongguk now, opening and closing his mouth as he tries to find the right words he wants to say.

“There’s something you need to know. And it’s best if you hear it from me.”  

Seokjin’s stomach drops.

“Know what? What’s wrong? Is someone hurt?”

“No, no, just – I need to talk to you. And this isn’t a conversation for over the phone.”

There are few things Seokjin hates more than feeling like he’s out of the loop, and he can already feel a building irritation at Jeongguk’s vague responses.

“Don’t you know shit like that only scares the other person even more? Just tell me what’s going on.”

“Hyung, trust me that this will be better in person. Please?” Jeongguk pleads, a note of desperation coming through. “I can be there in ten minutes. Unless,” he pauses for a brief moment, “you’re not home. But I, um, can wait until you get back.”  

Seokjin presses the pad of his fingers against his eyes, trying to figure out what the best course of action here is. He hadn’t even decided yet if he was willing to meet with Jeongguk on Monday, but it seemed worrying over that was pointless now.

As he hesitates, he notices that Jeongguk doesn’t push while he thinks it through. He’s laid out his request and, albeit in an ambiguous manner, answered Seokjin’s questions. Seokjin could say no, but whatever it is that Jeongguk wants to talk about is obviously something that Seokjin cannot avoid.

“I’m home,” he says with a low but audible sigh. “You can come.”

“Ok. I’ll be there soon.”

The next ten minutes pass by slowly and quickly. He tries not to let his mind get ahead of him, but rogue questions still pop into his mind as he cleans up his living room.

Why did Jeongguk sound like that over the phone? He said it had nothing to do with Jinwoo, so is it vain of Seokjin to still believe that it does? Why isn’t Jeongguk passed out with Yoongi after a night of partying?

It’s still too soon when he hears a knock on his door, and Seokjin forces himself to take a few steadying breaths before answering it.

“Hyung.”

This time, Jeongguk says it softly.

It would be an understatement to say that Seokjin is baffled by Jeongguk’s presence, even if he himself had told him that he could visit. Seokjin and Jeongguk haven’t spent any time alone together since … The Last Night, precisely due to Seokjin’s own insistence.  

He’s not prepared for the competing emotions he feels at once, so he’s silent as he tries to get ahold of himself.

And then Jeongguk speaks.

“I’m sorry for calling and showing up like this.” The remorse in his tone is genuine, the nervousness in his demeanor subtle, but unmistakable. There’s a heaviness weighing over Jeongguk, that much Seokjin can tell.

“It’s okay,” Seokjin says, finding his voice, and he realizes he means it. “Come in.”

They settle into his living room, and there’s a brief flush of embarrassment as Seokjin watches Jeongguk shimmy out of his winter coat and he realizes that he forgot to change out of his own pajamas.

But it passes once he takes note of Jeongguk’s appearance.

Despite wearing normal day clothes, he looks even more disheveled than Seokjin.

His hair is messy, falling over his eyes, and his shoulders slouch completely – he seems both exhausted and defeated.

“I fucking hate this couch,” he mutters as he sits down first, fidgeting as he tries to get comfortable. An imperceptible, humorless laugh follows the comment.

“Guk-ah … are you ok?”

Humming halfheartedly, Jeongguk turns to look in his direction, but not quite at him. Even from this angle, Seokjin sees how pale and dry his skin looks, how the bags under his red eyes are shaded with a purple-gray hue.

“Can you just … is it okay if you sit next to me?”

Seokjin nods and quietly walks towards him, his soft steps across his floor and rug the only sounds in the apartment.

More and more questions begin to race through his mind as he takes his place next to Jeongguk.

Should Seokjin have suggested a coffee shop instead? Somewhere public? Is Jeongguk hungover? He looks a mess, should Seokjin get him something first?

“Guk, are you … hungover?” is what wins out, his concern over Jeongguk now overriding everything else.

Jeongguk gives a small smile. “Yeah, but don’t worry. I already took something for it.”

“Ok,” Seokjin says, his uneasiness still on high alert, “then … what’s wrong?”

The corners of Jeongguk’s mouth fall.   

“You’re going to hate me,” he says, with an assurance that makes the nervousness in Seokjin’s stomach roil even stronger.

“I could never-”

“Don’t say that,” the younger interrupts, a sad attempt at a teasing demeanor almost succeeding. “Because you might.”  

“Jeongguk,” he doesn’t restrain himself this time, he reaches out and places his hand over Jeongguk’s tightly clasped ones. This move is not to comfort Jeongguk but to comfort himself, because he’s now beginning to sense that whatever is wrong is bigger than what he expects it to be.

Slowly, gently, Jeongguk loosens his hands, using one to grab Seokjin’s, intertwining their fingers together.

Finally, he looks at Seokjin straight on. His gaze trails from Seokjin’s eyes to his mouth, warm eyes caressing his face, until it stops abruptly at his jaw.

Seokjin knows what his sight has locked in on, but there’s no flicker of possessiveness in the younger’s expression.  

Still, Jeongguk stares as if under a spell, and he calmly brings his free hand up to Seokjin’s neck, extending his tattooed fingers to trace the marks left on his skin.

It’s quiet. Not a word or sound is shared.

The silence is terrifying to Seokjin, because there’s no reason Jeongguk should be here, with him, one hand holding his own and the other grazing the bruises left by someone else’s lips.

He almost, almost, apologizes for them, if only just to break the silence.

But the self-respect he’s been working to rebuild stops him, reminding him that he doesn’t answer to Jeongguk, and that who Seokjin spends his time with is his business and only his business.

So, he keeps his mouth shut as Jeongguk’s fingers brush against his neck, the light touches leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“Did he treat you right?”

Seokjin nods.

“Didn’t do anything you didn’t want?”

Seokjin shakes his head.

“Good,” he says quietly. He moves his hand, this time using it to cup Seokjin’s face, and as badly as Seokjin - still, after everything - wants to lean into it, to indulge and take the way he has before, he knows that he won’t. He refuses to inflict more damage than he has already.

Only one word screams in Seokjin’s head now.

Yoongi.

He doesn’t know what Jeongguk is playing at, but the worry that Seokjin feels now magnifies tenfold, the air between them thickening with restless tension.

“Guk…” he says again, but he has nothing to follow it with.

Jeongguk takes the lead.

“I’m sorry. I want to start it like that. I’m sorry.”

Seokjin can’t help the way his fingers tighten around Jeongguk’s as a response.

“I’ve hurt you so badly. I made you think that you were alone in this, that I moved on and didn’t think about you, about us, again, but that was never true. I think about you every day. I miss you every day.”

No, no, no, this can’t happen. Stop. No.

But he doesn’t interrupt Jeongguk, telling himself that this isn’t what he thinks it is, that maybe Jeongguk is only talking about missing their friendship, that it couldn’t possibly be about anything else.

“I’ve fucked up. A lot,” Jeongguk continues, following it with a barely suppressed, scathing scoff. “And it’s probably going to cost me everything, but that’s – those are the consequences, and I accept them. But what I hate, hyung, what I absolutely hate is that I can’t undo how I’ve hurt you and Yoongi.”

Jeongguk’s voice catches on a lump.

Seokjin can feel it in his own throat as well.

“Jeongguk, what are you talking about?” he manages to say, his voice shakier than he wants it to be.

Time stops for a moment. A drawn-out breath. It marks the beginning and the end.

Jeongguk releases a deep and heavy exhale, as if it were pulled from the very depths of his soul.

“I told him, hyung. I told him everything.”

FOUR DAYS AGO

(A Date after The Talk)

Jeongguk stared down at his glass of wine, simultaneously mesmerized and distracted. Every time he swirled it around, the red would cling to the side, staining it slightly.

“Do you like it?”

The question was whispered into his ear, an action denoting intimacy and familiarity with its kind warmth.

Keeping a relaxed smile on his face, he responded, “Yeah, it’s good.” A perfect imitation of being at ease.  

“Are you sure? You’ve barely sipped from it.”

Or maybe he hadn’t been doing as good of a job as he thought.

Jungkook stared down at the crimson wine again. It’s very presence felt menacing somehow.   

“Just want to take it easy tonight,” he answered honestly, setting the glass back on the table.

A questioning look appeared on Yoongi’s face, but it disappeared quickly enough.

“Okay. Don’t push yourself,” he murmured.

Nothing else was said and the two turned their attention back to the singer in front of them.  

It was rare for them to plan a date during the week, but Yoongi had received an invitation to a showcase at an underground bar, some sort of initiative begun by someone at the label to test the artists they were planning to debut.

It was nice date. It was them.

But when Yoongi ordered them two glasses of wine for the show, Jeongguk found himself scared to drink it. He wasn’t sure why. They had already shared half a bottle during dinner and that had been fine, leaving Jeongguk right on the edge of slightly buzzed without tipping over into tipsy.

But more, with the promise of a brief escape that it carried, seemed dangerous. As he stared at his drink, he realized that he didn’t really drink heavily anymore, at least not since he had gotten back together with Yoongi.

Maybe he was maturing.

Maybe not.

He couldn’t stop replaying the conversation he’d had with Hoseok, never-ending questions swirling around as he tried to go about his day, occasionally cresting from his subconscious to his conscious mind.

Do you love him?

He wanted to say yes. It would make everything easier if the answer was yes. He wanted to focus on the date that they had planned, to believe that every step they took forward together would strengthen them enough so that when Jeongguk finally confessed, they would be able to survive it.

He could say, ‘I’m sorry, hyung. I became confused. But whatever I feel for Seokjin doesn’t compare to what I feel for you.’ He would take responsibility for what he had done wrong, and fight for their relationship, the way a remorseful person in love would do.

But he had to believe it first. No more making promises with wishful words, no more ‘I don’t knows’ and ‘I’m not sures’.

He needed to genuinely answer the way that he knew that he should.

So, do you love him?

Jeongguk chewed on his bottom lip, his eyes drifting back to the glass in front of him.

He was aware that mulling over the question this much didn’t bode well for the answer. But the thing was that Jeongguk couldn’t definitively say that he didn’t love Yoongi either. He wanted Yoongi to be happy. He made time for Yoongi. He had never struggled this much with letting a relationship go before.

What other reasons could he feel these things if it wasn’t love?

Don’t be stupid. You know what other reasons there could be.

Jeongguk dragged his gaze back towards the stage, fighting to push these questions away. Now was not the time to lose himself in this.

He had been hopeful that he could manage the night fine. He didn’t want to think about the fact that he was eventually going to have to tell Yoongi everything, and that every second until then would be self-inflected torture brought about by his own decision to wait.

Yet he was still adamant on holding off until after Hoseok’s birthday. Of that, he was certain. Yoongi was shy to show it, but Jeongguk knew that he was excited about going out, that he was pushing himself to advance on projects as fast as he could so that he could enjoy that weekend without any sort of pressure.

And he couldn’t tell Seokjin before the birthday either, didn’t want him freaking out the entire time they were out together, or worse, making up some excuse on why he couldn’t go, raising everybody’s suspicions.

So, until the birthday passed, Jeongguk would just have to take it one day, one hour, one second at a time.

Cooking dinner together had been fairly easy, greeting Yoongi with a kiss and a hug were well-practiced steps, and he had managed to catch Yoongi up on the dessert tasting without stumbling over mentions of Seokjin and Hoseok.

Yoongi, on his end, had talked about how his weekend alone had been exactly what he needed, and he expressed his gratitude towards Jeongguk for always being so understanding of that side to him.

“There’s nothing to thank me for, hyung,” he had said, his foot shaking nervously under the table. He didn’t deserve the praise, not when he knew it had nothing to do with him being ‘understanding’ and everything to do with him being a coward.   

“Of course there is. Not everyone gets it.”

But as they sat in the cozy bar, the darkness only disturbed by the warm stage lights and the lit candles of the surrounding tables, Jeongguk couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu.

Selling a dream of a special night, tossing rose petals on what would could likely end up becoming a bitter memory, had he not done this before?

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just fuck me. It was starting to get good.”

A silent sigh escaped Jeongguk. Seokjin had been able to see through it.

You haven’t let go of him either.

For all of the thought and consideration he gave to his feelings for Yoongi, he tried to not think about his feelings for Seokjin too much.

No, he hadn’t let go of Seokjin. That much was true. He knew that he should want to, and a part of him, exhausted and simply wanting to feel some semblance of peace again, honestly did. Another part of him, however, was absolutely terrified of losing him. He had barely managed these past months of limited contact, to not have Seokjin in his life at all would be his own special hell.

He knew it wasn’t right for him to be so overwhelmed by a feeling like this. It couldn’t possibly be healthy.

But the thing was that none of it mattered. Regardless of whatever his or Seokjin’s feelings were, they would have to forget them.

Maybe it would take weeks, months, but it was the only course available to them.  

Hoseok had been unconvinced, but Jeongguk honestly believed that he could move past his feelings for Seokjin because there was basically no other choice.

There was no future for them, not like this, not with everything.

Jeongguk would confess his feelings to Seokjin not out of a hope that something could happen between them, but simply because Seokjin deserved to know why Jeongguk would be coming clean to Yoongi.

He peered over at his boyfriend, who sat entirely engrossed by the performance, unaware of Jeongguk’s warped thoughts and feelings.

He never questioned how often Jeongguk would zone out, lost in thought. Instead, Yoongi likened these instances to his own quiet moments. He trusted the younger wholeheartedly, and it was this trust weighed on Jeongguk.

Do you love him?

The guitarist began another song, and Jeongguk tried to follow the rises and falls of the pretty melody. It was terrible to think this, but he was grateful that they had chosen to go to a showcase, something that would put a lid on any conversation deeper than hushed whispers about the performances.

He just needed more time to think things through, to get things right.

He looked at Yoongi once again, at how pleased and relaxed he seemed, warmly lit by their table’s candles, waiting to feel something like love.

TWELVE HOURS AGO

(Under Blue Dancing Lights)

In theory, Jeongguk had known that this could – would – eventually happen. Even just a few moments ago, before they had even left for the club, he had half an urge to pull Hoseok aside and ask him what the hell Jimin had been referring to during his birthday dinner – What cousin, hyung? What did Jimin-hyung mean by his cousin and the two of you? – before his sense caught up to him.

Seokjin could date or hook up with every single person on the planet and Jeongguk had no right to question any of it.

He knows this. He’s repeated this to himself often enough in the past few months.

Facing the reality of it, however, was another thing altogether.

Because this, Jeongguk could immediately tell, was different.

This wasn’t like watching Seokjin joke around with the bartender from a couple of months back. This wasn’t even similar to the pinprick of jealousy he felt at hearing Jimin prod Seokjin about his tennis date with his coworker. And somehow, all of the times Jeongguk felt frustrating exasperation at seeing Seokjin and Taehyung together paled to the indescribable emotions he felt now.

Because Seokjin, underneath the soft lighting of the bar, looked giddy. Weightless. Free.

And it wasn’t Jeongguk who was bringing a smile to his face. It was not Jeongguk who was making him laugh.

It was this random person, unwittingly undermining everything that Jeongguk had believed about himself.  

Objectively, in its own twisted way, it was somewhat amusing.

If this were a sitcom being filmed in front of a live audience, Jeongguk would direct the audience to laugh here, because, well, of fucking course.

After all, was this not what Jeongguk had originally wanted? To be able to have something like this again? Out with his friends, standing next to his happy boyfriend, all the while still having Seokjin as a friend?

This was how it was supposed to be, and does Jeon Jeongguk not always get what he wants?

What perfect timing.

“What are you staring at?”

He didn’t process the words in time, didn’t even register Yoongi’s voice really, too distracted by the way Seokjin was confidently showing off his open chest to The Guy.

The question, however, was caught by someone else.

“Wait, is that Seokjin-hyung- Oh my god, yeobo, look!” Jimin shrieked with delight. “Is that Seokjin-hyung actually flirting with someone?!”

He blinked, his eyes focusing on the reactions around him. At Yoongi and Jimin standing on their toes to get a better look at the bar, at Namjoon and Taehyung exchanging playful looks, at Hoseok, already somewhat drunk, staring at Jeongguk with unmasked concern.  

Jeongguk shrugged and feigned a cool smile, not allowing his shock to emerge as any sort of visible emotion.

Tonight was Hoseok’s night after all. And Jeongguk’s main responsibility was to make sure Yoongi had a good time.

Nothing else should matter.

So when he heard Jimin plot to go up to the bar and ‘get a better view of the guy’, Jeongguk’s only contribution to the conversation was to ask for a beer.

He could handle this.

In fact, there was really nothing to handle.

He was here with his own boyfriend, and Seokjin was his own person, free and perfectly capable of making his own choices.

“Damn, look at that guy’s arms,” Taehyung said in sincere awe. “Good for hyung!”

He should be more like Taehyung. At ease. Supportive. If Taehyung, the only one present who was actually Seokjin’s ex, could take all of this in stride, then so could Jeongguk.

So, when the others laughed, he did too.

“You can’t tease hyung when you’re up there,” he could hear Namjoon plea to Jimin. “He’ll get all embarrassed and then he won’t do anything.”

“I know, I know.”

Objectively speaking, Jeongguk could admit The Guy was attractive. If this were any other friend, he knew he would be cheering them on for such a catch as well. And isn’t that what Seokjin and Jeongguk ultimately were?

Friends?

“Do you think hyung will get his number?” The genuine glee in Yoongi’s voice was palpable, as if he were watching one of his favored basketball teams pull away with the win. Yoongi liked to pretend that he was above the gossip and chatter over their friends’ love lives, but, sometimes, he was almost as bad as Jimin.

Shortly after Seokjin had begun dating Taehyung, Yoongi had mentioned to Jeongguk that a part of him felt relieved that the two had started a relationship.

“Maybe this will be good for hyung. He’s dated since Yena, but he hasn’t really had something to that scale since. Not that he has to, obviously, but I think Tae and Seokjin might work out. They complement each other well.”

Jeongguk didn’t know then why the comment bothered him, why he wanted to push back, be petty and scoff, “No, they’re not going to last”, but the sentiment was there, lurking underneath his tight smile.

He didn’t like that he could feel a sort of sulkiness whenever anyone brought up Taehyung and Seokjin, didn’t like that he could feel some sort of misplaced jealousy over losing some of his friend’s attention.

So, he ignored it. Pushed it down.

“Yeah, hopefully you’re right,” he had said instead.

“Taehyung will probably want double dates,” Yoongi continued, grinning. “So prepare yourself.”

“Mhm.”

“Hyung won’t even have to ask for it,” Jeongguk found himself saying. “The guy will probably give it up himself.”

His response received laughter, even from Hoseok. Good.

It was all very funny after all.

Jimin wasted no time in skipping over to the flirting pair, and Jeongguk decided that he no longer needed to watch.

Whatever was going to happen was going to happen.

If he didn’t like it, then that was his own issue to deal with.

Not being able to look at Yoongi next to him, and even less at Hoseok, he kept his eyes on the back of Namjoon and Taehyung’s heads, all the while trying to ignore their running commentary.

“Ooh, he’s whispering something into his ear!”

“Oh, he’s definitely into hyung.”

He prepared himself for Jimin to return without Seokjin, for Seokjin to choose to spend the remainder of the night with The Guy.

It literally shouldn’t matter. Isn’t your attention supposed to be on your boyfriend?

“Ah, I think hyung turned him down.”

Instantly, Jeongguk’s eyes shot back up, watching with rapt attention as Jimin and Seokjin made their way back to their table.

Relief and shock and guilt danced within him all at once.

He really should not care. To even be paying this much attention to Seokjin’s actions when Yoongi was right beside him was an asshole move in and of itself.

So, as soon as Seokjin and Jimin were back at the table, handing out the group’s drinks, Jeongguk wasted no time in grabbing his beer and taking a few steady sips to settle himself.

Inhale. Exhale. Drink.

“Hyung, where’s the new boyfriend? The one apparently worth abandoning us in our hour of thirsty needs!”

He shouldn’t care, and yet he did, and there was no stopping his attention from automatically shifting to Seokjin to hear his answer.

“Haha, I can take all of these waters back you know!”

Deflective. Hardly a response.

And maybe it didn’t matter because Seokjin had come back. Jeongguk could already feel his agitation vanishing into nothing now that Seokjin was with them.

Yet, even so, he couldn’t help himself.

“He’s hot, hyung,” he said, trying to provoke Seokjin into a more honest answer, because something about Seokjin’s evasiveness scratched at something inside of Jeongguk.

Go ahead, lie to us both and tell me he isn’t when we both know that he’s attractive and that you’re interested.

Seokjin looked at him with confusion, as if he couldn’t understand Jeongguk’s response, and Jeongguk hated it. They used to just get each other so well, and now Jeongguk couldn’t decipher Seokjin’s answers and Seokjin couldn’t read Jeongguk’s reactions.

Seokjin had come back and Jeongguk had never felt farther away from him.

You two should have never been that close in the first place.

“Yeah, well ...”

“Oh, you should have seen them! They were so wrapped up in each other that hyung didn’t even notice I was standing right next to him!”

He couldn’t help but actually laugh at that.

He loves Jimin, he’s one of his closest friends, but at that moment he sincerely needed him to shut up.

None of this is Jimin’s fault. You’re the only one who is making this worse for yourself.

Under his breath, Jeongguk chuckled at that too.

“Yah! Why are we all standing around here! Let’s go back out there!”

He could feel Hoseok grabbing him, pulling him away, but he noticed immediately that Seokjin made no effort to move.

Ah. That’s right. Seokjin didn’t really like clubs. He was probably going to stick to the table as much as he could.

Jeongguk instinctively removed himself from the hold on his arm.

“I’ll stay here.”

Maybe this was an opportunity. If the rest went back to the dance floor, then he could have a few minutes alone with Seokjin. He wouldn’t ask about The Guy or talk about Yoongi, but he just wanted a moment. For what, he didn’t know, but just a minute or two away from everything –

“No, jagiya, come on, dance with me.”

This time, he let himself be pulled, as if it were muscle memory to always acquiesce to Yoongi’s needs, his voice activating some sort of automatic reflex within Jeongguk.

What the fuck are you doing?

Have you forgotten why exactly you asked Hoseok for more time?

By the time he seemed to gather himself, he was already back on the dance floor with his boyfriend, Seokjin nowhere in sight.

Jeongguk’s heart beat faster and then slower as he tried to adjust and loosen up.  

He joined in on the dancing immediately, physically trying to shake off the past fifteen minutes, but could only move around so much with the beer still in his hand.

In one quick movement, he tilted his head back and chugging the remaining half, cool, liberating liquid saturating his bloodstream along with the other drinks he had in his system.

It felt like nowhere near enough.

The lights had been timed to the song so that they would flash rapidly and blindingly, and Jeongguk reached his arm out in the brief moments he could see so that he could hold on to Yoongi.  

His hand found his waist first, and he brought himself closer towards his boyfriend, nuzzling his face into his hair, wanting to spark something within himself.

It’s fun. This is fun. You’re having fun.

The song playing was a fairly new one, but Jeongguk recognized it. He didn’t really listen to any of his old playlists anymore – they all reminded him of Seokjin, he could hear his voice singing along to every song on them – so he had become very familiar with the ‘New Releases’ playlist on his streaming app.   

Keeping his mind on the flow of the beat, he held on to Yoongi as he swayed their bodies to the right rhythm.

Songs started and songs ended, Jeongguk ignoring every lyric of love and yearning, focusing only on their bass and tempo.

At some point, he saw Taehyung pushing Hoseok into the arms of a man clearly checking him out, and he couldn’t even bother to feel guilty about the instant relief he felt at knowing he would have a break from the elder’s fretting.  

Still, he was surprised by how quickly Hoseok and his new interest were swallowed up by the sea of people around them, the two disappearing from sight in an instant.

A push and pull at every step, Jeongguk suddenly felt like he was fighting against a current, only now did he realizing how crowded the dance floor had become.

Normally, he wouldn’t mind this. He’s gone out often enough with Hoseok, Jimin, and Taehyung to places where it got like this – or, sometimes, even more chaotic – and he usually found a heightened thrill in giving himself over to movement and instinct.

But at this moment, the heat of other bodies and the blue lights of the club felt disorienting, the combination of the two almost causing him to lose his grip on his empty beer bottle.

“Hyungs!” he shouted, trying to compete with the loud boom of the music. “Give me a second, let me drop the bottle off at the bar.”

“Go to the other bar by the back!” Taehyung advised, pointing towards the farther end. “It’ll be faster there!”

“Tae and I won’t move from here,” Yoongi said, not even complaining when Taehyung grabbed his hands to swing them around playfully as other couples danced around them. “But can you bring back water? It feels really hot!”

Jeongguk nodded, and was soon trying to move quickly across the dance floor, knowing that Yoongi’s tolerance for the crowd would not last much longer.

Yoongi was good at putting up with things he didn’t necessarily like for the sake of the people he loved, and he could even temporarily set aside his own personal discomfort and have fun in the moment, but these bursts of energy eventually faded, and would burn out even faster without Hoseok’s social energy to feed off of.

So Jeongguk snaked around as deftly and rapidly as he could, soon finding himself at the smaller bar. Seeing that there were a couple of other people ahead of him, he turned to look back at the floor as he waited for his turn.

Even with the darkness of the club and the strobing lights intermittently coloring everything blue, the burst of red cut through.

It brought everything in Jeongguk’s body to an abrupt stop.  

And he should have looked away as soon as he recognized the shirt, should have instantly known what he would find, but his attention had already been secured.   

His eyes travelled from the red garment up to the flushed neck, where The Guy had begun to mark Seokjin’s skin with his desire, Seokjin’s hand guiding his movements. From there, it was only natural for Jeongguk’s gaze to settle on Seokjin’s face, on the blissed-out expression that he himself had brought out so many times before.

It felt like the mirror of a memory, but this time it wasn’t Jeongguk leaning in, basking in Seokjin. It was this this stranger, this person who Seokjin hadn’t even known just a few hours ago, and there was nothing Jeongguk could do about it.

He could only watch, chained to what was unfolding a short distance away, until Seokjin brought The Guy’s face up and kissed him.

Jeongguk looked away, turning back to face the bar.

The song continued to play, the lights continued to dance, the people at the bar came and went. Time marched forward, with or without Jeongguk.

He huffed at himself, surprised by his own surprise.

What did he expect? For Seokjin to pine for him forever? For Seokjin to always want Jeongguk above all else?

He swallowed dryly.

No, Seokjin had made it clear. He was in love with Jeongguk, yes, or at least he had been, but he was also going to take every step he could to move on from him.

Jeongguk had known that. Jeongguk had agreed to that, because, after all, didn’t Jeongguk want Seokjin to be happy?

Good for him for moving on, he thought, desperately trying to shield the thought from any encroaching sarcasm or jealousy. He didn’t want to be that person anymore, didn’t want his first reaction at seeing Seokjin be free to be one of bitterness. He knew how he felt, but he also knew better.

He reminded himself that he was the one who left Seokjin. Jeongguk was the one who chose Yoongi over Seokjin, even after Seokjin had told him that he loved him.

Good for him, he thought, working to internalize it more and more. Good for him for realizing he deserved better.

Good.

Good.

It’s all good.

“Hey man, what can I get you?”

It was almost frightening how unnervingly calm he felt.

“Three cups of water, please?”

The bartender nodded, reaching over to the stack of plastic cups next to the bottles of liquor, all speaking to Jeongguk at once with their alternating shades of gold and black.

“Wait,” he found himself saying, his hand already moving towards his back pocket for his wallet. “Do you have any grapefruit soju?”

“Yeah, how many glasses?

“Just the bottle.”

“Ok. Coming right up.”

He leaned on the bar counter, trying not to think, not to feel, simply shutting his eyes and waiting for the drinks he ordered.

“Three waters and a bottle of Jinro, grapefruit.”

Jeongguk handed his credit card over, and in the few seconds that it took for the bartender to process the payment, he opened the bottle and started to drink.

The taste was bitter. Grapefruits usually were, he supposed, didn’t even know why chose the flavor, but he drank it all, every single last drop.

The juice masks the alcohol with flavored soju. It’s a gradual burn, slowly building and then hitting all at once, invigorating.  

It first claimed his throat and then his chest before the sensation spread throughout the rest of his body.

In this numbed state, a desire pushed past his self-imposed control to make itself known.

He knew what he wanted to do. To turn around and walk back onto the dance floor and find Seokjin.

He would grab his hand first, pull him close until his lips touched his ear.  

It’s me, hyung. Remember? It’s me.

That’s selfish. You would ruin his and everybody else’s night, and for what?

The burn passed.

He didn’t stumble as he walked back – he could handle more than a few shots – but his body felt lighter. It was sort of nice, in a way. The night felt less real.

By the time he reached Taehyung and Yoongi, Hoseok was already back.  

“Fuck, thank god!” Yoongi laughed, eagerly grabbing his water and passing one of the other cups to Taehyung. “You were gone forever!”

Jeongguk laughed, his restlessness momentarily subdued.

But when he looked over to Hoseok, sweaty and flushed, his lips bruised and swollen, a spark of tension briefly disrupted his subtle buzz. It took everything within him to not allow his mind to flashback to Seokjin moments ago.

“Hyung, here! You can have my water!” he yelled over the music, concentrating on this, only this. “What happened to the guy you were with?”

Hoseok shrugged, but there was a pleased smile on his face.

“He was cute, but I want to spend the rest of my night with you guys!” he answered, swinging an arm over Taehyung. “He gave me his number though, so I’ll text him if I still feel the same in the morning!”

The dreamy smile on Hoseok’s face was endearing, but the comment ignited more unwanted thoughts within Jeongguk.

Even if Seokjin didn’t leave with The Guy, they might trade numbers.

They could make plans to meet later.

“Hey, you okay?”

He probably wouldn’t have heard the question if Yoongi weren’t standing right next to him, leaning in close.

“Yeah! Just hot!” he responded, shutting down everything else.

He danced with his friends instead, Hoseok and Taehyung grinding on each other in a truly questionable way and Jeongguk holding on tighter and tighter to Yoongi as he pushed away everything else.

“Maybe we should go back?” Yoongi asked after a while, noticeably uncomfortable as people repeatedly crashed into their small circle. “We can get more drinks?”

Taehyung and Hoseok nodded their agreement, and while a part of Jeongguk knew that he should probably stop drinking for the night, another shot sounded much more appealing.

They forced their way back, the other three pushing and laughing while Jeongguk simply worked on keeping his coordination stable amidst so much movement.

There was so much blue everywhere – blue lights, blue faces, blue drinks in hands – that he almost felt like he was swimming underwater, his mind now fuzzy and slowing down.

“Wait, that’s Seokjin-hyung, isn’t it?!”

Yoongi always noticed everything.

That time, Jeongguk didn’t turn around. His drinks had worked too hard to get him to this stage of chilling the fuck out.

“Go hyung!” Taehyung cackled.

Jeongguk kept walking, but he could only go so far with one of his hands being held by Yoongi, who was currently turned around, laughing as he tried to get another glimpse of Seokjin.

So Jeongguk stood still, let Yoongi have his fun. He didn’t want to say anything, but when he caught Hoseok’s eyes on him, he shrugged it off.

“Good for him!” he said loudly.

Good for him, good for him, good for him.

Their table was a breath of fresh air, far from the riled-up crowd of the dance floor, and the mellow lights of the standing area felt far less straining on the eyes.

“Aw, no fun, we were just about to join you guys out there and you’re already back?”

Jimin complained, directing his pout to Jeongguk.

Usually, if someone wanted to go back on the dance floor, Jeongguk would be right there along with them, wanting to soak up as much dancing as he could before the night was over.  

“Hyung, we’re getting more drinks,” he said, voice as nonchalant as possible. He couldn’t go back out there. He wouldn’t. “Do you want one? It’s on me.”

The disappointment in Jimin’s eyes was obvious, but just as he began to sigh ‘okay’, Taehyung reached for his hands.  

“I’ll go with you guys Jiminie, we can sandwich Joonie-hyung between us again,” he flirted, deepening his voice as he aimed his gaze at Namjoon.

“Or,” Namjoon said, slowly stepping behind Jeongguk as if he were a shield. “How about you two go and I go with Jeongguk to the bar? And Guk, you’re the youngest. What kind of hyung would I be if I let you pay before me?”

“What the fuck? Yeobo, you let me pay before you,” Jimin laughed, trying to poke at Namjoon despite Jeongguk between them.

“You said you wanted to be a strong, independent husband!”

They laughed. Jeongguk did too.

But this scene between Namjoon and Jimin, the light banter and the teasing sourced in love, cracked something inside of him.

You’ve had that too.

He tried to will the voice away.

He’ll probably have that again with someone else.

That’s ok. Seokjin was probably better off with literally anybody else.

Wait.

Seokjin?

He opened his eyes again, not having realized that he had shut them. A small wave of vertigo hit him, but it was over soon enough.

As he subtly tried to steady himself, he noticed that Taehyung and Jimin had already left and that Namjoon was taking Hoseok and Yoongi’s orders. He was losing track of time.

“Okay, got it. C’mon Guk, let’s go.”

Jeongguk followed, eager to have another drink so that he could go back to the floaty feeling he had enjoyed moments ago, anything to distract him from everything he couldn’t process at the moment.

Later, later, later. Think about this later.  

This bar was far more crowded than the smaller one on the dance floor, and Namjoon and Jeongguk had to fight for their place at the counter.

Even once they found space to claim at the bar, it was almost impossible to get the attention of any of the bartenders, the two trying their best to wave someone down.

“Good luck on getting them over here,” a guy next to him suddenly said. “The group on the other end has like ten people and they’re all ordering at once.”

“Ah,” Namjoon said, sighing. “Are you waiting, too?”

The stranger shook his head, pointing to the flight of untouched shots in front of him.

“No, I ordered these a while ago, but I just got them now. It’s a little late, though, because now one of my friends is in the bathroom throwing up, another one is with him making sure he’s ok, and the last one abandoned us a while back for this hot guy he met when we got here,” he said before pausing, turning to them with widened eyes.

“Do you guys want to share while you wait? That’s far better for me then drinking all of these by myself or having them go to waste.”

Namjoon opened his mouth, and Jeongguk just knew that he was going to politely reject the drinks, so he accepted before Namjoon could say a word.  

“Yeah, man. Thanks.”

The universe always came through for Jeongguk.

“Yay!” their new friend exclaimed with a kind smile, handing two shots over to Namjoon and Jeongguk. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

“Jeongguk. This is Namjoon.” The reply was given quickly, Jeongguk’s eyes already on his salvation. But still, he had manners. “Yours?”

“Changho,” he answered, raising his drink towards them. “To new friends, then.”

“To new friends,” he heard Namjoon reply, but Jeongguk was downing his shot at once.

The tequila went down smoothly, Jeongguk barely feeling it beyond the initial warm flush, but it was enough to anesthetize something inside of him, albeit not everything.

From his peripheral vision, he could see Namjoon only drinking half of his.

Ah, Namjoon. Always the responsible one.

“Hyung, I’ll take yours if you don’t want it.”

Namjoon, trusting, shrugged, and handed his shot glass over to Jeongguk without a second thought.

Perhaps Jeongguk should have questioned that he could no longer feel the drinks.

“Aw, you two are so sweet,” Changho cooed. “Are you together?”

“Oh, no. No. I’m engaged and Guk has his own boyfriend.”

“Oh my. Scandalous.”

“No, no, we’re really just friends,” Namjoon said hurriedly, the words coming out in a panic. “Our partners are here with us; we’re just getting the drinks.”  

But Changho’s words had Jeongguk’s stomach churning. Was that what he looked like? A cheater? Could a stranger look at him and just tell?

“Don’t worry, I’m just joking,” Changho said, giggling. “Such gentlemen, getting the drinks. Your partners are very lucky.”

No, Yoongi isn’t lucky at all.

“What do you mean, Guk?”

Jeongguk swished his head to his left – a little too quickly for his worsening state – and took note of Namjoon’s quirked brow.

Oh, he must have said that out loud.

“I’m the lucky one,” he corrected.

Namjoon grinned. So. Probably the right answer.

“Trust me, Yoongi-hyung is very grateful for you, too,” he said, patting his back.

Oof, the jostling that came with the pats had his stomach twisting more.

Or, maybe it was Namjoon’s words.

He couldn’t tell.

“Well, look who finally decided to show up! Surprised you could detach your mouth long enough from your new lover to remember you have friends,” he could hear Changho taunt while he tried to get his sudden nausea under control.

“Shut up,” the new person answered back.

A nice voice. Friendly.  

Jeongguk turned his head to face his right once more, almost falling out of his seat at seeing The Guy standing right behind Changho.   

Surely there was a camera nearby, recording. This entire night had to be a prank.

In another universe, Jeongguk would be tapping on Namjoon’s shoulder, whispering, ‘Hyung, look at that guy’ out of simple admiration. But in this one, in this one where Jeongguk had clearly pushed the universe’s goodwill too far, he could only stare.

Good for Seokjin, he told himself once more, but fuck this guy.

“Here, hyung. Have the last shot, and tell me about the guy,” he could hear Changho say, and it only took a few seconds for Jeongguk’s brain to process that Changho’s The Guy was his Seokjin.

No, he’s not yours.

“I’m telling you absolutely nothing,” The Guy said, patting Changho’s head.

Ah, respectful. That’s good. Seokjin deserved that.

“Where’s Jisung and Junho?”

“Throwing up in the bathroom. But it’s okay, I made new friends,” Changho said, gesturing towards Jeongguk and Namjoon.

Namjoon greeted The Guy politely, and Jeongguk could tell that Namjoon didn’t recognize him from earlier.

Ha. You’ve spent enough time staring at him and Seokjin, of course you can identify him.

The Guy said his hellos – ah polite, so polite – and then turned his attention back to Changho. “Okay, well I’m heading out, so I need to close my tab. Can you go check on Jisung and Jungho and make sure they’re not dead?”

“You’re leaving?! Without us?! Hyung, don’t tell me you’re going home with the guy?”

Ah.

Of course.

“I said I’m not telling you anything,” The Guy answered, laughing. “Now, goodbye and go find the other two!”

Changho screamed something along the lines of “Get it, hyung!”, but soon enough he was saying his goodbyes to Namjoon and Jeongguk, and The Guy took his place at the bar.

“Have you guys been able to get one of the bartenders here?”

“Not at all,” Namjoon said, lifting his hand to wave again.

The Guy hummed, and then leaned over the counter, using his two fingers to whistle loudly.

“Be right with you!”

“Oh god, thank you,” Namjoon said with a grateful groan, Jeongguk remaining absolutely silent next to him. “We’ve been here forever. Your friend at least made the wait entertaining.”

“It’s no problem,” The Guy answered, before turning his attention to Jeongguk. “Hope Changho behaved.”

Jeongguk didn’t say anything, but he couldn’t stop himself from staring at The Guy, everything else around him fading away.

“Guk? You okay?” Namjoon’s voice behind him sounded concerned.

Fuck, he should probably start responding.

“You’re Him.”

“Him?” The Guy replied, with obviously no idea as to what Jeongguk could be referring to.

Jeongguk raised his brow.

And then he laughed. The sound came out sarcastic. Bitter. His control beginning to slip.

“The Guy Jin-hyung was make-making out with. You’re Him,” he said boldly.

“Oh,” The Guy looked surprised. Slightly embarrassed. “Um. Yeah, I guess. Most people call me Jinwoo.”

Jinwoo.

“He’s cool. Seokjin, I mean. I like him. Have you two known him for long?”

“Yeah, I’ve known him since university-”

“And I’m dating his other university friend,” Jeongguk cut in. “But Seokjin-hyung and I are friends too.”

His jaw instantly clenched as soon as he said the word friends, and he forced himself to loosen up at once.

“Then I’ve found the right people. Anything I should know to make a good impression?”

Jinwoo seemed sweet. Respectful. A Good Guy.

They were obviously going to fuck. There was no other reason for Jinwoo and Seokjin to be leaving together.

Like pressing play on a movie, he remembered how, in a state of panic, he had called Seokjin because he had irrationally believed that he had left with that pretty bartender and he wanted to stop him.

It hadn’t mattered to him that he was still talking things out with Yoongi, that it was beyond pathetic to call someone he had left to keep them from being with someone else.

But Seokjin had answered, Seokjin had come over, Seokjin had slept with him, because Seokjin hadn’t wanted to let go either.  

There was no closure that night, not really. Despite fighting it for so long, he has yet to move on.

It was simply a last gasp of breath.

Two months had passed since then, and Jeongguk once again felt scared, once again felt jealous, but neither were the prevailing feeling within him as he stared at Jinwoo.     

Instead, something crackled inside of him, a sense of loss searing through every other emotion.

It wasn’t that Seokjin was very likely going to sleep with this guy. Screw that, Seokjin could fuck whoever he wanted.

It was that this was a beginning. Maybe it wasn’t going to be this guy, maybe Jinwoo would only be a one-night stand, but eventually, Seokjin was going to start seeing other people. There would be no lack of interest in Seokjin. Eventually, he would find someone to be in a relationship with. Eventually, he would fall in love again. Seokjin would, eventually, choose someone else.

Good for him, he reminded himself, accepting it.

Don’t be the asshole who stands in his way, had he not ruined enough already?

He deserves to be happy, and Jeongguk would do anything to give that to him, even if this happiness didn’t include him.

His heart rate slowed, his muscles relaxed.

He could do this.

“You look like a nice guy,” Jeongguk said, a sigh involuntarily escaping from him. “I bet you’re a nice guy. You-you wouldn’t string him along. Which is good. He doesn’t deserve that. Hyung only de-deserves the best. And you- well I don’t know if you’re the best, but I bet you’re bet-better.”

“Better?” Jinwoo asked, not quite following where Jeongguk was going with this. “Better than what?”

“Hm?” Jeongguk couldn’t focus, but he needed to get this out there. “Yeah, just take care of him. You’re so lucky. I saw- He laughed with you. You made him smile – that’s good. Keep doing that.”

“I-um- okay. I’ll try,” Jinwoo replied, chuckling somewhat awkwardly.

He felt Namjoon’s hand on his shoulder, a gentle request for him to stop.

“Ah, Guk. I think you’ve had too much to drink.”

“Yeah, probably.”

He laughed once again, this time more quietly.

Thankfully for Jinwoo and Namjoon, the bartender finally arrived to tend to them.

Namjoon, probably a little mortified by Jeongguk’s behavior, allowed Jinwoo to handle his business first. But he warily kept his eyes on Jeongguk, as if afraid he would say anything more.

“Ok, well. I’m all set. Thanks, you guys.”

“No problem,” Jeongguk said without any emotion. “Have fun.”

Namjoon said goodbye as well, but waited until Jinwoo was completely out of hearing range before speaking again. “Jeongguk … are you ok?”

“Of course,” Jeongguk answered, swallowing this moment down along with everything else.

Plastering an unbothered expression on his face, he turned towards Namjoon.

“Aren’t we going to order?”

“I … I don’t know if you should have any more.”

“Hyung.” He suppressed a hiccup. “I’m fine.”

And then, because Namjoon still looked skeptical, he had enough wherewithal to add, “just sentimental, I guess.”

It was true to an extent, but Jeongguk knew that he had said it mostly because such a response would appeal to Namjoon.

Once Namjoon began to nod slowly, graciously trying to make sense of his behavior, Jeongguk knew that he was in the clear.

“Oh, we’ve definitely aged you if you’ve become a sentimental drunk, Guk,” he gently teased. “The Jeongguk I first met would only get chattier and more energized the more he had.”

“Well, maybe if we get some more drinks, we’ll get that Jeongguk to come back,” he joked, desperately wanting, needing, to get them back on track.

Was he drunk already? Yes. But a sort of detached melancholy was beginning to root deep into his chest, soaking up his flimsy buzz far too quickly.

Yet the joke landed somehow, and he secured the result he wanted.

Because Namjoon laughed, and then he ordered, and they then walked back to their table with six drinks and not seven, because remember Jeongguk, Seokjin left.  

“Sorry! The bar was really crowded so we had to wait a while. And, then-”

“We made a new friend. He gave us free shots. And now I’m a little drunk,” Jeongguk said, wrapping the story up quickly, avoiding any unnecessary details.

An arm wrapped around his shoulders. Yoongi?

Yes, of course Yoongi, who else would it be?

“Ah, jagiya, how did that happen? You know how to handle your liquor.”

Well, I had a bottle of soju when no one was around me, he almost replied, but he had enough remaining sense to know no one would appreciate that response. That it would spark more questions with uncomfortable answers.

“Tae and Jimin still dancing?” Namjoon asked, filling in for Jeongguk’s lack of verbal response.

Yoongi’s head nodded against his own, soft and warm. He should want this embrace, it should make him feel safe and comforted, and why, why couldn’t Jeongguk just feel that way?

“Yeah, but Seokjin-hyung left,” Yoongi added. “Remember the guy from the bar earlier? The one he had been talking to? They found each other again on the dance floor and Seokjin left with him. Right, Hoba?”

“Yeah,” Hoseok said, clearing his throat.

Tilting his head slightly so that Yoongi wouldn’t notice, he mouthed “It’s fine” to Hoseok, even if everything about Jeongguk screamed that no, nothing was fine.

The fact that Hoseok looked at him with a mixture of pity and apprehension only made Jeongguk feel worse, too perceived, too understood.

“Cool,” Jeongguk responded.

Closing his eyes, he drank his rum and coke in seconds.  

BETWEEN THE HOURS OF NIGHT AND DAY

He doesn’t remember much after that.

He has a scene of dancing again, everything blurred, brushed over with watercolors.

He has bits and pieces of being half-carried into the back of a cab, of the overwhelming sickness he felt with the turns and bumps of the road.

He doesn’t remember making it to Yoongi’s apartment, his arm over Yoongi’s shoulder, or mumbling the words, ‘I’m going to throw up’ as soon as they crossed the threshold.

He does remember at some point coming to in the bathroom, his head leaning over the toilet as Yoongi rubbed his back.

“That’s it jagiya, you’re doing good.”

‘No, no, no’, he wanted to say. ‘Don’t, please.'

Another wave of vomit came out of him instead, more painful than the last.   

No, no, Yoongi was supposed to be having fun tonight, not dealing with his heartbroken boyfriend.

Heartbroken?

“m’sorry,” he groaned, exhausted and helpless. “Don’ deserve you.”

“Yah, what are you on about? Don’t worry about it.”

Bone-tired, chest still heaving, he tried to pull it together enough to push himself away from the toilet. There were hands under his arms again, dragging him a little until he could be sat against the bath tub.

“You think that’s everything?”

Jeongguk nodded. He still felt the nausea in his stomach and throat, stinging tears in the corner of his eyes, and the room still felt like it was spinning, but there was a gradual numbness starting to make itself known as well.

The brightness of vanity mirror lights made it almost impossible for him to open his eyes beyond a squint, but even with his bleary eyesight he could make out Yoongi’s worn-out face.

What time was it? How long had they been in here?

“m’sorry,” he whispered.

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “Sorry for what? For this? Guk, it happens.”

imsorryimsorryimsorry.

He closed his eyes again, his consciousness starting to fade once more, until he felt a damp towel being wiped across his mouth.  

“Still,” he mumbled. “This is gross.”

There was a pitiable attempt to grab the wash towel from Yoongi’s hand, to do a little of the work himself, but his arms felt limp and heavy, barely moving the way Jeongguk wanted them too.

Yoongi gave a small, quiet laugh.

“A little. But it’s nothing.”

itsnotnothing.

“Should be ‘nough.”

“Enough? For what?”

Jeongguk muttered something incoherent, drifting in and out of consciousness.

He was somewhere between a dream and a memory.

“Stop fidgeting,” Jeongguk gently scolded, waiting for Seokjin to stop hissing before dabbing the antibiotic onto the wound again.

“That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one who has cuts all over their body. Everything hurts, Guk-ah.” The words came out with an exaggerated whine, as if Seokjin were trying to theatrically play up his injuries and provoke Jeongguk into playing around.

Jeongguk refused to give in. None of this was funny to him.  

Seokjin had been lucky, supposedly. Only a concussion and a few cuts to his face and neck, with a slightly deeper one on his forearm, but nothing that time and care couldn’t heal.

The stitches would dissolve on their own, and he could probably avoid permanent scarring as long as he followed the doctor’s instructions for taking care of his wounds.

So, Jeongguk cleaned and changed the gauzes, dabbing ointment in between and reminding Seokjin to avoid sunlight because he would be damned if Seokjin had any scars. Not out of an imposed vanity, but simply because Jeongguk didn’t want Seokjin to be reminded of the accident every time he looked in the mirror.

Jeongguk had seen how shaken Seokjin was by the accident, how he had trembled and quietly cried when Jeongguk drove him back home from the hospital.

Yoongi had only been able to stay the first night and with Taehyung stuck in Daegu on a work trip, Jeongguk had decided to completely take over Seokjin’s care himself.

“I live the closest and I have a car in case anything comes up, I can do it,” he had explained to everyone.

Seokjin was hardly a good patient, but that was okay. As long as Jeongguk could see that Seokjin was safe, alive, then he could put up with anything.

“I miss Jimin. He’s a funny nurse. You, on the other hand, have terrible bedside manner,” Seokjin deadpanned as he finally stopped moving and let Jeongguk finish applying the new gauze on his forehead.

“I just want to do this right, hyung,” he answered distractedly, his focus completely dedicated to perfectly applying the clean pad. “There. Now I’m happy.”

Seokjin turned around to face the medicine cabinet mirror, fingers hovering over the new dressings on his face. “Good job, Dr. Jeon. I’ll kill you if you tell Tae this, but I don’t think he would have been able to do it so cleanly.”

There was something about the praise that made Jeongguk smile to himself as he washed his hands. Seokjin was hardly cooperative, but he liked taking care of him.

“Won’t say a thing to him. But don’t think you’re getting this for free. I expect many free meals in the future,” he allowed himself to joke, but the laugh he received in response was off and it wasn’t accompanied by any scolding.

Their gazes locked in the bathroom mirror, and Jeongguk noticed how Seokjin’s smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Just,” he puffed out a laugh. “Just glad there’s a future, that’s all.”

Immediately, Jeongguk turned around, carefully wrapping his arms around Seokjin.

“It’s okay if you were scared, hyung,” he whispered, stroking Seokjin’s hair. “I was scared too.”

“Guk, c’mon. Wake up, drink this.”

Jeongguk held on a little longer, both to help Seokjin feel secure and to remind himself that he hadn’t lost Seokjin.

“Seokjin-hyung?” he mumbled, not quite grasping where he was.

“Um. No? Ha, Guk, he’s not here.”

“Oh. Oh, that’s right,” he slurred before a giggle tumbled out of his mouth.

“What’s so funny?”

“Seokjin-hyung said he wouldn’t,” another giggle forced him to pause, but he collected himself quickly, “-wouldn’t choose someone bigger thighs than me, and that is exactly what he chose.”

Yoongi didn’t laugh. Which was weird, because Jeongguk found it fucking hilarious.

“What do you mean?”

“Hyung. ‘s what he said. But he doesn’t owe me anything. Not really. ‘m the one who fucked up.”

There was silence after that, and that too felt overwhelming.

His nausea surged once again, fierce and violent. A sudden swell that had him scrambling back to the toilet. But nothing came out, everything from his stomach apparently already expelled.

He heaved anyways, his sore throat contracting around air.

“Okay, okay, you’re okay. Shh.”

Yoongi’s voice cleared through his confusion.

It was too gentle. Too caring.

It had Jeongguk flinching, wanting to curl into himself. The guilt felt crushing, filling up every space inside of him that had been emptied out.

Guilt over ending the night like this, guilt over drinking, guilt over lying, guilt over wanting Seokjin too much, guilt over not wanting Yoongi enough.

His body doubled over, retching sounds echoing off the bathroom tiles.

He needed this to be over. He needed it all out. He hated this. He couldn’t do this anymore.

“I lied to you,” he choked out, gasping. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Everything faded to black.

Three Hours Ago

(A Winter Morning)

Jeongguk startled awake only a couple of hours later, just as the sun began to rise. His bloodshot eyes opened to a glass of water and a small bottle of aspirin on the night table next to him. A pounding headache came to life at once and had him moving faster than he probably should.

There were no thoughts in his head. No chaos of emotions in his heart.

He felt carved out.  

His only priority at the moment was getting those two pills in his system and drinking all of the water that he could to soothe his aching throat.

He sat up on the bed, moving gingerly as the soreness in his muscles became more pronounced.

Everything was blank and groggy as he waited for the painkillers to take their effect, and it wasn’t until the throbbing in his head somewhat subdued that he heard the gentle and deep breathing beside him.

Yoongi slept profoundly, face buried into his pillow.

There was a brief moment of confusion, but then snapshots of the night before started to flash in his mind.

The drinking. Yoongi. Seokjin. A Guy. Dancing blues. Cutting red. More drinking. Throwing up.

“I lied to you. I’m sorry.”

“Fuck.”

He looked down at himself, noticing that he was now wearing sweats that he hadn’t been wearing the night before.

His conscience stung at realizing that Yoongi must have changed him out of his club clothes, probably struggling with Jeongguk’s heavy and stubborn body just to help him get more comfortable.

Thoughts still distorted and slow, he eased himself out of the bed and readjusted the comforter to cover Yoongi better.  

It was the very least that he could do.

Jeongguk sighed quietly. If Yoongi was in his sound mind to help Jeongguk in his drunken mess, then he would probably remember everything that did Jeongguk did not.  

There would be questions when Yoongi woke up, Jeongguk was sure of this, dread slowly settling into his veins.

He tried to remember what else he had said, if he had said anything incriminating or if he had left it at vague, worrying remarks, but nothing came back.  

The dull pain of his headache continued.

In the next minute, he was quietly out the bedroom door.

His feet led him into the living room, softly lit with beams of morning light.

The blue sky was beginning to cloud over, another grey and muted February day. Still, there was something peaceful about it, and Jeongguk decided outside was where he wanted to be.

Stealing a thick throw blanket from one of Yoongi’s sofas and wrapping it around himself, he walked out onto the small balcony.

A wall of cold hit him immediately, but the winter air somehow felt like an embrace.

The city had not yet come alive – no cars honking on the streets, no birds chirping, no children screaming. Only the sound of the occasional gust of chilly wind, howling lightly in Jeongguk’s ears.

A lazy Sunday, he took his seat on the padded patio chair and sat with the morning.

For a second, he felt thrown back in time. It was on a cold balcony where his relationship with Yoongi had started again, a New Year’s kiss that was meant to rekindle what was supposed to be the defining relationship of Jeongguk’s life.

It was in this apartment where they had reconciled.

The frigid wind brought him back to the present, an uncontrollable shiver passing though his body.

He could still feel the effects of his hangover, but they were far more muted now, the freezing temperature shocking every other sensation into nothingness.

Somehow, it felt comforting to sit in this solitude, as if time were slowing to a still.

In the absence of sights and sounds, no distractions or worries, he felt his body sag more and more into the chair.

For months, the guilt he has carried has felt like a second skin – he might no longer know how to live without it. It was in his every breath, his every move. When he woke up and when he went to bed.

He was exhausted. Not just from last night’s drinking, but from everything, from himself.

He inhaled, biting air nipping at his lungs as it passed through his body.

He exhaled, wondering if this was how it felt to teeter at the edge of a cliff.

Time passed and Jeongguk had no sense of how long he had been outside, his trancelike state only broken when he heard the sliding door open behind him.

“What are you doing out here?”

Yoongi’s voice was scratchy with sleep, his eyes barely open, but still he came out, in flip flops and without a jacket.

“Guk-ah, you’re going to catch a cold.”

“It’s not too bad,” Jeongguk answered quietly, hearing the hoarseness of his own voice. “But you should go back inside hyung, there’s no way you’re not tired. Go sleep, I’ll be in soon.”

Yoongi gave a slight shake to his head, taking the chair next to his.

“I’m not the one who threw up half his weight last night. I’m surprised you’re up.”

Jeongguk looked up at the cloudy sky. He hadn’t slept a full night’s rest in days. Each day had been marred by anxiety of what was to come.

“Just couldn’t sleep anymore. Jimin-ah always says that being outside in the cold helps him, so I wanted to give it a try,” he found himself unexpectedly admitting, a small bit of honesty seeping through.

Yoongi hummed softly at that.

An unease within Jeongguk began to grow, nerves bubbling as he glanced over at Yoongi, studying his face. He waited, anticipating that Yoongi would mention something about the night before sooner rather than later.

But the elder’s expression was blank, carrying the remnants of sleep more than anything else. They said nothing as they sat in the cold, no movement or sound until a noticeable shudder ran through Yoongi’s body and Jeongguk realized that while he had a protective layer around him, Yoongi had nothing.  

In an instant, he took the blanket off his shoulder and draped it over Yoongi’s.

“Thanks,” he muttered, his voice quieter than it had been before.

“You did more for me last night. Thank you, by the way.”

Yoongi gave a delayed shrug, his eyes piercing through Jeongguk’s bare conscience. “You don’t have to thank me for that. You would have done the same for me.”

Yes, that was true. Jeongguk would have.

Because, yes, Jeongguk loved Yoongi.

But as he sat here, under the cold, barren sky, with the stark, empty backdrop of a sleeping city, he resigned himself to this.  

Here he was, hungover, because his own truth had caught up to him.

He had been a fool to think that he could control how he felt over Seokjin, over Yoongi, to think that he could dictate his emotions upon acknowledging them, to orchestrate a faultless confession, instead of simply accepting his feelings as they were and coming clean right away.

Feelings, he had begun to accept, weren’t so quick to conquer. He had hoped that going through the motions of their relationship would bring it all back. The kisses would feel as comforting as they did when he was 21 and in university freaking out about job interviews. The smiles would feel as warm as they did when he was a wide-eyed intern seeking attention.

But he was never going to catch up to those feelings, not anymore.

Instead of realizing that he and Yoongi were on different wavelengths that were never going to converge, he held on, stealing months away from Yoongi in the process, for no other reason than Jeongguk’s stubborn determination that he could.

There was no perfection to achieve here. Everyone was going to end up hurt and the longer he waited, the more damage he wreaked, intentionally or unintentionally.  

Fuck the plan. He should have listened to Hoseok’s advice of telling Yoongi that very day. It would have saved Yoongi the trouble of caring for a sick boyfriend who was going to break his heart anyways.

“When was the last time you thought to yourself, ‘I love him’?

The problem wasn’t that Jeongguk didn’t love Yoongi, but that somewhere along the way, the type of love he felt had changed. It was big until it became smaller, a shadow of itself.   

Far too late with far too many consequences, Jeongguk acknowledged a painful truth he hadn’t wanted to accept.

Yes, Jeongguk loved Yoongi.

But he was no longer in love with him.

Grief consumed him, the tiny faults in Jeongguk weakening more and more. He felt similar to how he felt last night, something unsettled in his stomach threatening to travel up his chest and flow out of his mouth. It was psychological, he knew this, but he couldn’t stop the feeling, it possessed him completely.

Suddenly, without warning or tact, he spoke.

“Are we not going to talk about it?”

Nothing in Yoongi’s expression changed, but his body visibly stiffened.

“Talk about what?”

“Last night.”

“What about it? You drank too much. That happens. There’s nothing to talk about.”

He heard it instantly, the worry in Yoongi’s voice. The pause in breath before he had answered.

This was, in a way, an out. Jeongguk supposed he could take it. To keep working on how to handle these conversations. But saying “Ok, you’re right” would simply be another dishonesty in a different mold.   

A gust of wind blew by, drawing out a guarded truth.

“I don’t remember everything but I know I said some things last night. I-” Jeongguk could feel the cold now, a sort of pressure gradient building to a point where it could fracture a concrete foundation. “I think we should talk about it.”

Yoongi looked away, pressing his lips together and shaking his head.

Suddenly, without sparing Jeongguk another glance, he stood up and walked back into the apartment.  

“Hyung.”

He rushed in after Yoongi, his heart beating rapidly.

The warmth of the apartment was a greater shock to his system than the cold, a hellish heat burning him.  

At that moment, everything was still technically under his control enough for him to continue waiting until next week.

He could have still backed out, he didn’t have to do it, he could do it better. Nothing material had changed. Clearly, Yoongi did not want to discuss it, and saying anything would completely upend Jeongguk’s own plan to talk to Seokjin first.

But this was already over, the ground had already collapsed beneath them.  

“Hyung,” he said again, softly.

“What?”

He inhaled deeply.

“We need to talk.”  

With those four dreaded words, Yoongi turned around, nose and cheeks still pink from the cold.

“What you said last night doesn’t matter. You were drunk. You didn’t mean it.”

Yoongi was never like this. Avoidant. He had always been the one to face the hard truths head on, never one to lie to himself.

This would be his lasting impact, Jeongguk realized, horrified.

He was not good for Yoongi. He was not good for Seokjin. He was not good for himself.

“I know I said that I lied to you. I know I said I was sorry. Both of these things are true,” he said, pushing forward and hating himself more and more. “And I know … I remember that I talked about Seokjin-hyung-”

“Jesus.” Yoongi laughed, coldly. “Fine. Okay. But can we at least sit down first?”

Nothing could have prepared him for the broken look on Yoongi’s face, as if he could sense what was to come. But Jeongguk was the one holding the cards. He knew that the truth was worse than whatever Yoongi could possibly be imagining.

Jeongguk nodded yes.

There was no perfect arrangement of words, no perfect location. Whatever would make Yoongi comfortable was his only true guide on how to handle this.

They settled down at Yoongi’s kitchen table, and it all again felt like déjà vu.

“So,” Yoongi said as he tried to make himself comfortable. “Say what you need to say.”

His voice was dry, devoid of any emotion. A defense mechanism kicking in.

Jeongguk could do this. He could do this. It would hurt Yoongi more to continue lying to him, he told himself, reminding himself that he believed it. He could be truthful, regardless of how hard it would be.

“I should have been more honest,” was how he began.

A second.

“About what?”

Jeongguk closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and trying to remember his unfinished notes for this conversation.

“When we talked about-” Stop. Open your eyes, look at him when you tell him this. You don’t get to hide from it. His eyes opened once more, keeping his own emotions in check. “When we talked about having seen other people while we were apart, I wasn’t honest. To you or to myself.”

He could see Yoongi’s expression hardening, steeling itself.

“I wanted to believe what I told you. That it hadn’t been anything important. I was choosing you. I wanted to try with you, so how could … anyone possibly mean anything close to what we had? But-”

“I’m realizing more and more that’s not true. It- I-” Breathe. “I have feelings for him.”

There was no immediate shift in Yoongi’s features. Barely an acknowledgment that he had heard what Jeongguk had said.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I’m really sorry.”

At this, Yoongi gave a tiny, lifeless half-smile.

“Sorry for what? For not realizing it sooner? Or for liking him?”

The less painful answer would be to say the second, and Jeongguk briefly considered doing so. But he was committed to at least give Yoongi one conversation with completely honesty.

“Both.”

Yoongi crossed his arms over his chest, curling over himself slightly.

His breathing wobbled, but his face remained composed.

“And what does Seokjin-hyung have to do with this?” he asked, his braver side coming though, knuckles white as he gripped his arms.

You can do this. You have to do this. You already did this to him. You owe him this.

“Before I tell you, you have to know that we never wanted to hurt you. It was never supposed to become anything-” he began to ramble, trying to remember everything that he had wanted to say.

“Guk,” Yoongi interrupted, patience wearing thin.  “Just tell me.”

This was why Jeongguk had gotten stuck in his notes on this part. There was no way around this. There were no words to make it better.

He swallowed harshly, his dry throat scratching against itself.

“It was with him. It was Seokjin.”

He didn’t have to clarify what. They both knew.

It was as if all sound had been swallowed from the apartment, just Yoongi and Jeongguk sitting at a kitchen table in an ever-expanding black hole.

Yoongi’s first response was a dry, short laugh.

“You’re joking. Is this- are you joking right now?”

Jeongguk said nothing, letting the truth settle into the room as he let his silence answer for him.

“Seok- Our Seokjin?”

It’s done. It’s done. There was no undoing this now.

“So it was Seokjin? How? When did you even-” His voice sounded strangled, choking.

Yoongi stood up, disbelieving eyes on Jeongguk. He swallowed once, trying to get his breathing under control.

“No, you wouldn’t do that to me. Hyung wouldn’t do that to me. You two wouldn’t- you wouldn’t.”

Apologies were given now, a running faucet of meaningless words.  

“I should have told you sooner. Hyung, I’m so sorry. I should have told you-”

“Stop. Stop. Let me get this right,” he said, starting again with his voice cold and rough. “You and Seokjin-hyung were in a relationship while you and I were on a break? The break that I suggested so that you could figure your shit out? To think about yourself? About us? You decided the best way to do that was to fuck around with Seokjin?”

All of Jeongguk’s nerves were firing off at once. He couldn’t run from this; this was real and he had to see it through.  

“It was wrong. I know, hyung. Look, it wasn’t really a relationship -”

“How was it not relationship if you said it wasn’t a one-time thing?! That you two were together the entire time we were apart?!”

“We didn’t plan it, hyung.” No. Stop. That sounded like a defense and Jeongguk knew there was no excuse. “It was my fault,” he said, trying again. “I started it-”

“Why? Why, Jeongguk?”

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, could hear it in his ears.

“At the time, I thought it was just because hyung was there for me. But now- I think- It runs deeper than that. I don’t know when these feelings started, hyung. I really don’t, but-”

“No,” Yoongi interrupted abruptly, dropping his head into his hands. “I changed my mind. I need you to stop talking. Just- give me a second.”

Yoongi collapsed back into his seat, whatever fight that had come roaring out leaving him instantly.

Seconds ticked by, no sounds but that of Yoongi’s harsh, rapid breathing.

When Yoongi lifted his head again, Jeongguk could see pink indents underneath his eyes, marks of how deeply he must have been pressing his palms against the sensitive skin.

“How could you?” he said, voice defeated, almost inaudible. “With Seokjin-hyung of all people? You could have gone after anyone else. I told you that you could, that I wouldn’t hold it against you.”

How could you, how could you, how could you? The words sliced through Jeongguk at once.

[They would haunt him for weeks and months.]

But for this question, Yoongi expected an answer and Jeongguk had to try to give him one.

“I know how this is going to sound, hyung,” God, he despised his response already. “But the- the first time it happened- it wasn’t planned. We went to grab dinner that night and then-” How much should he tell him? Everything? No, there was cruelty in details too. “It happened, but we both agreed that it was a one-time mistake and that was it.”

“Guk, you have to stop doing that.”

“I- What?”

Yoongi gave a humorless laugh. “Trying to make it sound better. You can’t make this better. You fucked one of my oldest friends. You and Seokjin-hyung have lied to me for months, fucking months, Guk. So, give me a straight answer instead of ‘it happened’. You two went out for dinner and decided what? It would be fun to fuck afterwards? Just to try it out?”  

“No, no,” he could feel himself getting frustrated. Fuck, this is why he had notes, being articulate on the fly had always been difficult for Jeongguk.

Accept responsibility first.

“Hyung, it was wrong of me. I did something cruel and hurtful to you and I’m sorry. I should have -” He knew what he was supposed to say here, ‘I should have never touched him’. But while Jeongguk knew that he handled everything horribly, that he should not have done it, he couldn’t completely bring himself to wish to undo it. To lose memories of Seokjin.  

“I should have told you right away,” he said instead.

“Yeah, you fucking should have,” Yoongi said, quiet and chilling, before taking a steadying breath. “So, what changed? It obviously didn’t stop after one time. You two decided you wanted more?”

Jeongguk’s mind sped through every memory he had of Seokjin at once. At how desire clouded his reason, his conscience. Not just physical desire, but simply the need to be around Seokjin as much as possible.

“I lied to myself. I told myself that it was only physical and that it didn’t mean anything. That-” He inhaled sharply. “That I was allowed to be with whoever I wanted. And. Seokjin-hyung was someone that I felt safe with.”

Yoongi looked at him as if he were insane, and maybe Jeongguk was. He certainly felt like it, every word spoken out loud had him looking at himself with more and more disdain.

“He was my friend, Jeongguk. Did that not fucking matter to you at all?”

“It’s not that it didn’t. but- but I couldn’t- I wouldn’t let myself think about it. I only viewed him for what he meant to me. I didn’t want to accept that I was liking him more than I should, but I didn’t want to let go either.”

To this Yoongi said nothing. His mouth closed shut, and he ran his hand through his hair. A moment, and then two, and then he looked away from Jeongguk.  

“I’m sorry, hyung,” he repeated, knowing the words meant nothing against his actions. “It was so selfish and cruel of me. I’m so sorry.”

Each passing second of silence weighed more heavily than the last.

“When did it end?” Yoongi asked after a while, still facing away.

“A week after his birthday dinner.”  

“After I asked you if we could talk things out,” Yoongi whispered to himself, finally looking at him again.

“And you haven’t-” Yoongi inhaled deeply, a choked sound bleeding through, and it clawed into Jeongguk, piercing through his heart. “You two haven’t done anything since then?”

“N-” As if a highlight reel kicked in, his memory flashed back to The Last Night, when Jeongguk, in his panic, called Seokjin over one more time.

He knew that he was supposed to be honest, but he could see how every answer was hurting Yoongi more and more, and he couldn’t tell if Yoongi kept questioning out a simple desire for answers or if he was so inundated by the pain that he had decided to drown himself in it.

Out of fear that it was the latter, Jeongguk hedged his response.

“Not since we got back together,” he said.

Yoongi wasn't fooled. 

“But something else did happen? Before we got back together?”

“We- we saw each other one more time-”

“You mean you slept with him,” he accused.

Jeongguk nodded, face twisting in shame.

“When?”

“I- Maybe a week or two before the New Year’s Eve party.”

He saw how Yoongi’s eyes flashed, anger starting to overshadow everything else. “So, once you and I were already talking? Trying to work things out? You had to go and get in one last fuck before having to run back to your boyfriend?”

“It wasn’t like that, hyung! It had nothing to do with- with us- or with you-”

“Then what was it about?”

“I missed him!” Jeongguk screamed, his emotions getting the better of him.

At once, Yoongi stiffened, grief coloring every detail of his face.

He needed to explain, quickly, but Jeongguk could already feel a lump in his throat forming.

No, no, no. It wasn’t his right to cry. Not when he was detailing how he had wronged Yoongi.

“I know he’s your best friend, but he’s mine too. Even before - this, I was used to having hyung around me, all the time. I didn’t know what to do without him.”

No, no, no. These weren’t the right words, where were the right ones?

“After I told him I wanted to work things out with you, the week after the dinner, he told me that we shouldn’t have any more communication. That it was better that way so that we could get over- this thing- faster. And I guess I wasn’t used to not being around hyung, not even getting to talk to him. I was scared that I was going to lose him from my life. It wasn’t about … wasn’t about fucking him, hyung. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I was just scared and I missed him.”

Gaining control over his emotions, he managed to stabilize his wavering voice. “That was the only time. After that, we went back to not speaking, hyung. We don’t hang out on our own. We’ve had one text conversation and that was about Jimin’s dessert tasting and that’s it, hyung. I promise. Nothing has happened since you and I have gotten back together.”

Jeongguk could see the impact every word had on Yoongi from the anger and hurt at the beginning to some degree of comfort as he assured him that there had been almost no contact between the two since then.

The older’s breathing slowed slightly, and whatever tears that had been forming in his eyes were blinked back.

“I should have told you when we talked about having been with other people. You asked me who it had been and I told you it didn’t matter. I wanted to believe that it didn’t, hyung.”

“Of course, it mattered, Guk. It mattered that it was Seokjin.” he said quietly. “You knew that it mattered too, that’s why you didn’t tell me.”

The words stung. Worse was that Jeongguk couldn't deny them.  

“You wanted to protect him because you like him,” Yoongi continued, but Jeongguk couldn’t tell if the statement was directed to him, or if Yoongi was simply working through things out loud for himself. “Does that mean last night- you drank because Seokjin went home with that guy? You were- you were jealous?”

The words were spoken so quietly that Jeongguk had to lean in closer to hear the final question.

“I think that was part of it,” he softly admitted. “But not all of it. I- it was more that all the ways I fucked up hit me all at once.”

“Are you in love with him?”

“I don’t- I don’t know.”

He didn’t add anything more to it – no explanations or half-truths. There was nothing that could lessen the impact of that response.

“I can’t believe this,” Yoongi huffed. “You slept with my friend behind my back. You're confessing to me that you have feelings for him. You’ve kept this from me, both of you have.”

Suddenly, Yoongi laughed, the sound coming out wet and forced.

“Was any of this real?”

The question hurt. Not because of the doubt in Jeongguk that it conveyed, or because it invalidated their relationship, but because Jeongguk himself could no longer tell what had been genuine and what hadn’t been.

So, he gave the honesty that he could give.

“I chose you. You didn’t force me. Neither did Seokjin-hyung. I chose you because I wanted to. I care about you, hyung. I wanted this to work.”

He couldn’t tell how Yoongi felt about his answer. His face and body betrayed nothing. There was only silence as the answer was taken in and considered.

“Well, then, what about now? What do you want?”

Here they were again. The same question Yoongi had posed to Jeongguk before he asked for time apart. What did Jeongguk want?

At the time, the question had felt offensive to Jeongguk. Yoongi had asked it at the end of his own rope, exasperated by Jeongguk’s uncertainty when it came to their future. And Jeongguk knew that Yoongi asked out of a place of frustration, but the words at the time had felt condescending, a bruise to his ego.

Perhaps if he had been a bit more introspective and a lot less proud, this could have all turned out differently.

But now, Jeongguk knew.

He could plead for another chance. Swear that despite his feelings, he had no intention to act on his feelings for Seokjin ever again. Flowers not tended to wilt with time. He could promise to dedicate himself to repairing the hurt he had caused to Yoongi and their relationship.

But he knew that would be centering his pride as well, that he would be trying to prove to himself that nothing was unfixable for Jeon Jeongguk.

If he ever loved Yoongi, then he needed to do what he should have done as soon as his commitment had wavered.

“I think you were right when you told me I needed time to figure myself out. And I fucked up. I didn’t do that. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to face my shortcomings or maybe it was because I-” his voice grew quiet, knowing this next part would hurt, “- got carried away with everything surrounding Seokjin-hyung. But I think I need to take some time to step away from everything and try to figure out how I became this person. Because I don’t want to be this person, this asshole, hyung. I never wanted to hurt you.”

For this, he didn’t look at Yoongi. Maybe it could be interpreted as an act of cowardice, but a part of him instinctually knew that Yoongi wouldn’t want his reaction to be dissected as he processed Jeongguk’s words.

A few minutes passed before Yoongi spoke again.

“I should at least be the one to break up with you, no? Isn’t it a little much for you to tell me you’re hung up over Seokjin and follow it up with ‘I need to focus on me’?” The words were spoken with detachment, but Jeongguk could hear the hurt laced within them.

Yoongi stood up, looking down at Jeongguk, his face blank. “We should set up a time to pick things up from each other’s apartments. You don’t have to pack anything; I want to do it myself.”

This was it. No more pretenses.

“Okay,” he said softly.

Yoongi tapped his fingers on the table, twisting his mouth as if he wasn’t sure how to say what he wanted to say.

“I’m,” he stopped at the first word, clearing his throat before starting again. “I’m sure you’ll probably talk to Seokjin-hyung before me. Tell him I don’t want to see him. I do not want him to call me or text me. I do not want to hear from him at all.”

Jeongguk panicked. No, he couldn’t let the blame fall on Seokjin. At the very least, even if everyone hated him, he was adamant in trying to keep the fallout away from Yoongi and Seokjin’s friendship. Maybe it was selfishly naïve, but he had to try.  

“Hyung, he’s your friend. He loves you-”

Yoongi’s eyes narrowed, but they lost their fire immediately. “No, Guk. He isn’t. A friend doesn’t sleep with someone’s boyfriend. Mistake or not.”

“It was my fault, hyung,” he said, the words falling out of his mouth without filter. “I pushed him. I kissed him first, I- I initiated all of it. It was me. It was my fault. Not hyung’s. He had wanted to end it, he had wanted to tell you. I was the one who pushed him.”

Yoongi looked at him incredulously.

“He made his own choices, Jeongguk.”

“But he-”

“Please, Jeongguk, stop.” The words were groaned, deep and pleading. “All of this is bad enough; I don’t need to hear you defending him to me.” He looked around the apartment helplessly, lost in his own thoughts. “Fuck,” he whispered. “Fuck.”

There was a temptation to stand and grab hold of Yoongi. This entire time he hadn’t been able to give him one touch of comfort and it killed him that he couldn’t just know whether or not it would actually help.

“I don’t want to hear it, Guk,” Yoongi continued. “Not from you. I do not want to see or speak to him right now. Do you understand?”

Staying still, he nodded. He couldn’t risk making anything worse.  

“Good,” he sighed. There was a quiver in his lips, a brief lapse of emotion, but Yoongi quickly controlled it.

“You- you should go home,” he said under his breath, before speaking a little louder. “So is there,” a knot caught in his voice, “anything else you need to tell me?”

Jeongguk inhaled deeply and looked him in the eye, keeping his own emotions in check. 

“You didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry I did this to you.”

Tears spilled down Jeongguk’s cheeks as soon as he arrived to his apartment. He had pushed down as much as he could during their conversation but there was no need to continue to bottle everything now.

Here, alone, he could feel without fear that his emotions were inappropriate. His feelings for Yoongi may have changed, but he had loved him once, and he knew that it would be a while before Yoongi stopped loving him. It was a horrible ending to their relationship by his own doing, and Jeongguk would have to live with that for the rest of his life.

He managed to get himself into the shower, but his thoughts continued to race.

He had likely ruined their group now forever, and he wondered if the ripple effects would consume more than Seokjin and Yoongi’s friendship. He knew better than to hope that any of them would want to remain in his life.

Hoseok, perhaps. Maybe Namjoon. But he knew firsthand how fiercely protective Jimin and Taehyung were of their friends, and he doubted they would forgive this.

Not that Jeongguk deserved it.

As he patted his face dry, his mind conjured up the image of Yoongi last night, orange hair bouncing as he danced, gummy smile as he had laughed, radiantly happy.

He was aware of what would most likely happen now.

Yoongi would go back to his room, and hide. He would avoid calls and text messages, isolating himself in his pain.

No, Jeongguk couldn’t let that happen.

Maybe this was overstepping, maybe it was no longer his place, but someone needed to look out for Yoongi now that he no longer could.

He reached for his phone, going straight to his contacts to look for the one person who was already aware of everything.

Feb. 20, 2021

hobi-hyung

i told Yoongi

he knows everything now

please reach out to him as soon as you read this

i don’t want him to be alone

[08:45 AM]

Yes, this was good. Hoseok was an early riser. It was only a matter of time before he woke up and read Jeongguk’s messages. And Hoseok was always one to act quickly – he’d be at Yoongi’s doorstep in no time.

Yoongi would most likely try to refuse him, but Hoseok knew how to push, how to keep Yoongi tethered to his support system. 

He wasn’t sure how quickly the news would travel, but he knew it would reach everyone else faster than he would like.

Including Seokjin.

His heartbeat raced, the idea of Seokjin finding out through angry text messages or calls, of being blindsided, spiking his exhausted body into action. 

He didn’t regret forgoing his initial plan – Yoongi deserved to know, he reminded himself – but he knew he had put Seokjin in an impossible position. If Seokjin had moved on, he was dragging him right back to the entire mess, but there was no way to come clean with Yoongi, to give him a truth he was owed, without punishing Seokjin as well.

There was no energy within him to go through this again, but the situation was unavoidable.  

His fingers tapped on his phone, going back to his contact list.

“Please pick up,” he muttered to himself as the phone rang.

Seokjin’s voice answering machine answered instead.

“Fuck.”

He brought his arm up to cover his eyes, trying to steady his anxiety. It was still early, he reminded himself. Seokjin was most likely asleep.

Jeongguk was almost entirely certain that Seokjin had not taken the guy back to his place, but there was no way to know whether or not Seokjin was back home yet.

He had half a mind to just go over to Seokjin’s apartment and either wake him up or wait for him there, but he figured he had crossed enough boundaries to last him a lifetime.

Out of options, he called again, hoping this one would be answered.

“Hi, you’ve reached Kim Seokjin-”

Keep calm, keep calm, keep calm. 

He’ll call back once he sees your calls, he tried to reason with himself. After all, Seokjin wasn’t avoiding Jeongguk anymore [for now, his mind sneered at him] so he there was no reason for him to not respond.

Jeongguk would simply have to wait.  

PRESENT

At first, Seokjin answers with silence.

He doesn’t say anything, his own thoughts are quiet. He feels numb and burning and cold all at once, his heart sinking into itself.

“You did what?” he questions with a hoarse, pleading voice. Take it back, he wants to say, say you’re just fucking around. Please.

“I had to, hyung. I couldn’t live with it anymore – the lying – to myself, to him, to you-”

“You had to? You had to?” He can hear himself getting louder, hysterical. There’s panic pumping through his body now, he has to leave, has to run and find Yoongi, because what does Jeongguk mean that he told Yoongi everything?

“Hyung, I should have told him from the beginning. I was wrong for waiting this long, because Yoongi-hyung should have known-”

Stop.

There’s nothing but the sound of his own heart beating in his ears, and it takes Seokjin a few seconds to realize that he’s said the word out loud.

No, no, no, no, no, this isn’t happening. You’re still asleep. You’re not even here. You’re still with Jinwoo.

Seokjin’s breath hitches.

Straightening up, he narrows his eyes at Jeongguk.

“Is it … did you tell him because you were upset that I went home with someone else?”

Neither of them acknowledges the last word Seokjin has said and the implication it carries. No, Seokjin’s attention instead is on how Jeongguk’s eyes widen, insulted.

“No,” he says emphatically, and this time it’s his own fingers gripping Seokjin’s.

Seokjin had forgotten that they were still holding hands.

“I didn’t do it to punish you. For fuck’s sake, hyung – do you really think that lowly of me?” he bristles.

But he doesn’t let go.

And Seokjin knows to his very core that Jeongguk isn’t vindictive. Whatever jealousy ebbs and flows in Jeongguk, he would never sink to that level.

“I’m sorry,” he says, rubbing his thumb over Jeongguk’s knuckle. “That was self-centered of me. I know you’re not like that- I, I’m just. I’m so fucking confused here, Guk.”

Jeongguk’s furrowed brow softens, and Seokjin takes that for the forgiveness it is.

“I know,” he says. “Look this wasn’t sudden. I had- I’d already planned on telling him. I decided on it last week.” He pauses here, as if he wants to say something more, but is unsure how to go about it. Eventually, he just shakes his head. “I was going to wait still. Tell him next week. After I spoke with you.”

Seokjin nods slowly, trying to only focus on the words Jeongguk is saying, to not let his mind get ahead of his adrenaline.

“That’s what you wanted to talk about?”

“Yeah. Fuck, hyung. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he says, his voice starting to waver, his calm breaking. “I wanted to talk to you beforehand to let you know about what I going to do. So that you could have time to prepare yourself.”

Yes, that would have been nice, Seokjin thinks.

Better.

But there’s no making a bad situation good.

“So what happened?” He asks, voice sounding more and more overwhelmed with emotion.

Jeongguk lifts his head, their gazes meeting each other at once. Despite the steadiness of Jeongguk’s demeanor, there are a few dried tear tracks on his cheek that weren’t there before. A part of Seokjin wants to wipe them off, hold him.

Another part wants to shove him away, yell and disappear.  

He does neither.

“For the past week, I’ve been trying to get a better sense of my feelings,” Jeongguk starts, his eyes searching something within Seokjin’s. “I’m figuring them out still. There’s a lot of things I didn’t want to acknowledge, or didn’t know how to, and I’ve pulled you all into my mess.”

No, Seokjin wants to correct. I’ve pulled you into mine.

But Jeongguk continues to speak.

“I was upset last night. I drank. A lot. And yeah, ok, fine. Maybe part of it was because you left with someone else, someone attractive and who made you smile and who you could be with openly, but it wasn’t all of it. I think I realized -”

Jeongguk breaks into a brief, humorless laugh.

“– this whole time, I thought I was doing the right thing. But I had the example right in front of me. You broke up with Taehyung when you knew you felt something for me. Even if I couldn’t understand everything that I felt about you, I shouldn’t have gone back to Yoongi knowing that there was something inside of me that was yours.”

“But-” Seokjin begins stammer, trying to reconcile what Jeongguk was saying now to what Seokjin had believed for the past two months. “But you love him. I don’t get it, Guk. You two were fine. You-”

“I wasn’t fine, hyung.”

“No, you were.” They had to be. They were always together. And every time Seokjin spoke to Yoongi, he always spoke about Jeongguk happily. They were fine and Seokjin was going to be fine eventually too, and it was all supposed to be fucking fine.

“Hyung,” Jeongguk’s voice pulls him back to this cursed present. He leans in closer, pressing his forehead against Seokjin’s. It’s strange how familiar this feels. They’ve hardly touched at all in months, and yet Seokjin allows the moment easily, as if they had never been apart.

“I don’t want to say it now, like this,” he murmurs, quiet voice earnest. “This isn’t the right time. And if you don’t feel the same way anymore, it’s okay. But this, this,” he emphasizes, moving his hand to the back of Seokjin’s head, threading his fingers through his hair, “is why.”

The indirect confession hangs in the air, Seokjin’s little shuddering breaths the only acknowledgement of Jeongguk’s words.

“It hit me last night,” Jeongguk says, pulling back slightly. “And then again this morning. I should have been honest with myself that feeling something for you meant that how I felt about him had changed too. We were never going to be able to go back to how it was, hyung. I should have let him go. I owed my relationship with him that much. What I did instead? Peddling a version of our relationship built on lies? That was cruel.”

“No, you were trying-”

“I couldn’t do that to him anymore hyung. I told him this morning because I couldn’t lie to him anymore.”

“You can still fix it,” he pleaded, trying to hold all of the broken pieces together.

“No, hyung … we broke up. It’s over.”

Seokjin groans, a headache growing with every word that comes out of Jeongguk’s mouth. He thinks that he understands, but this is too much information at once, an upheaval of everything that Seokjin has known and felt for months now.

He wanted this and he never wanted this.

He doesn’t want to let go of Jeongguk and he wants to run and find Yoongi.

It all tastes sour and acrid.

He thinks he’s in shock, there’s no one, single, emotion that he can disentangle and pull to the surface, but his spinning thoughts eventually land on one thing.

“What did- what did Yoongi say?”

He’s terrified of the answer, of the consequences, but if it’s already done, then he has to know.

“He’s upset. Hurt. Angry.”

Yes. Of course. That made sense.

“But I told him most of it was my fault, hyung.” He says it in a hopeful voice, as if just by saying and believing it that will make it true. The gentle, naïve stubbornness that Jeongguk unwittingly carries is often endearing enough for Seokjin that he lets it be, but right now he can’t.

Seokjin shakes his head. Because, no it’s not true. Seokjin is older, Seokjin knew better, Seokjin could have stopped it all as soon as it began, and he chose not to. 

“It was,” Jeongguk whispers. Seokjin shakes his head again, tears threatening to flow.

This was him. All him. There’s no hiding behind someone else. Especially not the boyfriend – the ex, his mind so clinically reminds him – of his best friend.  

“Hyung, hyung”

He can hear Jeongguk trying to grab his attention, but he can’t focus, his thoughts cascading one right after the other.

Yoongi, right now, is hurting somewhere. As Seokjin sits here with Jeongguk, as they hold each other, Yoongi is sitting with feelings of betrayal and pain.

“I have to talk to him,” he murmurs, trying to pull away from Jeongguk. “I have to- I have to- is he alone right now? He can’t-”

“Hyung.”

Jeongguk’s free hand cups his cheek again.

“I texted Hoseok-hyung. He’s going to go check on him. But Yoongi- he made it very clear that he doesn’t want to see or talk to … us. Me or- or you.”

Something within Seokjin hollows him out. Loss, he thinks.

“Oh.” Yes, that makes sense. Why would Yoongi want anything to do with him ever again?

“Hyung, I’m sorry,” Jeongguk whispers again, bringing himself closer to Seokjin. “But just give him time, okay? I’ll help you. I’ll explain everything again, but just give him time to process.”

There’s nothing he can do. He thought he could make it better by pretending everything was fine, by being a good friend, but none of it was ever going to matter as soon as Yoongi found out the truth.

“Ok,” he says, but his voice echoes in his own ears. It’s quiet for a while, and Seokjin processes as much as he can.

Yoongi knows. He won’t want to hear from Seokjin. He and Jeongguk have broken up. And Jeongguk-

No, he can’t acknowledge what Jeongguk has said in regards to how he feels about Seokjin. How it settles something inside of Seokjin.

It’s wrong. It was wrong months ago, and it’s wrong now.

“I know I have no fucking right to ask,” Jeongguk murmurs, breaking the silence. “But, hyung, do you- are you angry at me?”

For as good of a job as he does in hiding it, Seokjin can still hear the hint of fear in Jeongguk’s voice, probably anticipating the worst.

“A little, yeah,” Seokjin answers, not having the energy for any sort of sugarcoating.

“Hyung-”

He wishes for so many things to be different, including for Jeongguk to have figured himself out faster. Or for Jeongguk to have never changed his mind on Yoongi. But there are so many things that could have gone differently that he has no reason to be angrier at Jeongguk than at anything else, including himself.

“But I understand,” he adds.

Sometimes, he wishes he wasn’t so understanding of Jeongguk. That he could muster up some sort of pettiness. To take out all of his anger on the source of all of his distress. But he knows Jeongguk.  

He’s misguided. Naïve. Indecisive. Selfish at times.

He’s young. Not cruel. Just young. And he’s trying.

“I get it, Jeongguk. I do.”

There’s a brief expression of relief that shows up on Jeongguk’s face before it’s replaced by a melancholic weariness.

“How are you doing with all of this?” Seokjin asks, but it’s more out of courtesy than anything else. He can see Jeongguk’s emotions on his face, in his posture. Jeongguk is hurting, and he probably won’t admit to it.

“I don’t like myself very much right now,” is all that the younger says.

He leans his head down, until his forehead hits Seokjin’s shoulder, and they sit like this, in silence. A moment of respite before the next storm hits.

Seokjin doesn’t know how long they stay in this position, but he squirms slightly every time Jeongguk fidgets, his hair and ear inevitably brushing against the marks Jinwoo had left.

“That guy- are you going to see him again?” Jeongguk asks after a while.

“No.”

“Why?”

Seokjin buries his face into Jeongguk’s hair, frowning slightly.

“I would be using him to make myself feel better.”

“You’re so mature, hyung,” Jeongguk murmurs, voice muffled by Seokjin’s pajama top.

“I’m not. Not really.”

“Hm.”

If Jeongguk nuzzles in closer, breathing Seokjin in, they don’t say anything in regards to it.

There’s still currents of anxiety running throughout Seokjin’s body, and he suspects Jeongguk is dealing with his own as well. Half his mind isn't even here, it's obsessing over Yoongi, and how he's now bearing the consequences for what Seokjin did to him.

But Seokjin knows they still have to address one more thing, at least for now.

“Guk,” he whispers, disturbing their quiet once again.

“Yeah?”

“You know we can’t ...”

Soft, measured breathing is the only response for a while.

“I know.”  

They both know.

There is no room for a Seokjin and Jeongguk to grow together like this. Something born in shadows, away from the harsh light of truth, rooted in someone else’s pain, is hardly strong enough to withstand any real obstacles. It did not bring out the best in them, it did not encourage them to be better. If they choose each other now, the parasitic guilt they feel will morph into resentment of one another, eating them both alive.

There is something a little like love between them, but the situation is hardly healthy. Barely nurturing. Perhaps it could have been, in a different world. But not in this one. Not as it is.  

So, they sit like this, highly undeserving of each other’s safety, knowing that it will be a while before they can, if ever, be like this again.

“But can we just stay like this a little while longer?”