Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

December 1998

‘Most years the entire precinct is as silent as the grave,’ Elliot overhears Munch telling Olivia during a coffee break. ‘They call it ‘on duty’, but really Christmas day is paperwork, napping in the cribs, and waiting for the clock to indicate home-time.’

‘You bothering my partner?’ Elliot interrupts, looming over Olivia’s shoulder and peering at the two mugs in her hands. ‘One of them for me?’

Olivia has been his partner for just over half a year now, and it’s the easiest working relationship he’s had in his entire career, despite not even wanting to accept a new partnership when she first arrived. From day one however, she’s had his back, and he could even call her a friend beyond the ties of the precinct, or so he’d like to believe. She’s incredibly competent on the job, and their sense of justice but also of humor have connected them in a way he hadn’t expected when he first shook hands with the determined yet fresh-faced ‘Detective Benson’ from eight months ago.

Olivia rolls her eyes at his question, raising a mug without comment and handing it across to him. He takes it from her gratefully, inhaling the coffee as the strain of their already-ten-hour shift begins to make itself known.

‘I was just telling Olivia about the fun we’ll be having this 25th,’ Munch tells him, leaning back against his desk and darting his eyes between the two of them. ‘I guess I’ll have your lovely partner all to myself this year.’

‘You’re on shift this Christmas?’ Elliot asks her directly, surprised that it hadn’t come up before. Olivia is not someone to share many personal details about her life, but she’d been opening up to him in the last few months. Now as he reflects back, he realizes that whenever he had been describing his own Christmas traditions with Kathy and the children, she had always found a way to change the topic of conversation before she was required to share her own.

‘Yeah,’ she confirms, nodding and taking a sip of her coffee. ‘Doesn’t seem like much of a hardship though, from the way Munch describes things.’

It’s almost expected that the newest member of the team takes the hit at Christmas during their first year, so Elliot shouldn’t feel as bad as he actually does, wondering what plans she would have otherwise had, if she hadn’t been stuck down at the station. He knows she doesn’t have a large family, but perhaps she likes to spend time with her mother.

‘Well,’ he says, to lighten the mood, even if he’s the only one seemingly bothered by the situation. ‘I feel sorry for you, not because you have to work on Christmas, but because you have to work with Munch for a full shift. Cruel and unusual punishment for the newbie, I say.’

‘Heeey,’ Munch says, wrinkling his nose and dropping back into his chair dramatically. Olivia laughs at them both, and then heads back to her own desk, pausing to knock her fist gently against Elliot’s shoulder.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll be your partner again after Christmas,’ she tells him with a smirk. ‘You won’t have to learn to share.’

Elliot huffs in response, ignoring the implication that he doesn’t like his partner working with other people.

The fact that Olivia has to work over Christmas leaves his mind over the following few days, as a case takes up all of their attention. But as the 23rd of December comes to a close, and he’s facing several days at home with chaotic celebrations, presents, hyper children and noisy family members, he is abruptly reminded when Olivia pulls his stack of paperwork onto her own desk, and winks at him.

‘A present for you,’ she announces. ‘I’ll use your paperwork for entertainment this Christmas.’

He waits until she is distracted by some weird conspiracy discussion with Munch and Cassidy for a moment, before slipping out of the station for ten minutes to the grocery store. It isn’t much by any means, but he manages to find a brand of instant coffee which is of far better quality than the sludge served at the station, and he figures this will at least help her through the day.

He keeps the jar of coffee tucked in his pocket, and when they are finally collecting their coats to go home, he gestures for her to go on ahead.

‘Be there in a second,’ he says, nodding at the lifts, and hovers until she disappears from view before placing the jar on the desk along with a post-it note with a scribbled ‘Merry Christmas - E’ attached.

In the days following the holidays, everything is back to normal, and the only update Olivia provides about her Christmas on duty is that it was ‘quiet’. Elliot hesitates about describing his own family celebrations, but he soon realizes Olivia enjoys hearing about it all, asking detailed questions until she hears a near blow-by-blow account of his Christmas day. She says nothing about the coffee, and he doesn’t ask - almost forgets he left it for her, in fact.

It’s two months later before he spies it again. It’s a late night in the precinct, and he left five minutes earlier to go home, before realizing he had forgotten his keys on his desk. Olivia is still in the station, and as he walks in, he sees her hide something guiltily behind her back.

‘Ah, it’s only you,’ she says, her shoulders lowering, and he sees her bring the coffee back around. She notices him eyeing the jar, and shrugs in response. ‘I don’t like to share good coffee.’

December 1999

‘So, what are you doing this year?’ Elliot asks her directly, after she’s deflected the topic one too many times. She can feel his gaze boring into the side of her head, despite staring resolutely out the front window. They’re scheduled to be on this stake-out for at least another three hours, and she knows he is sensing her avoidance.

‘I’m on duty,’ she admits, not entirely sure why she hadn’t wanted to confess, except for the fact that she knows for some reason this will bother him. True enough, his first reaction is to frown heavily, and shift in his seat so he is facing her more fully.

‘Again?’ he asks, fingers almost tapping her forearm before they retreat to safety. ‘Usually, we rotate so people don’t have to do it several times in a row.’

‘Well, it’s not like I have family to spend it with,’ Olivia says, and then immediately feels as if that is a pathetic thing to have confessed. ‘I mean, I’ll celebrate a couple of days afterwards, it’s no big deal to me.’

‘What about your mother?’ Elliot presses. She bites her lip, and then shrugs. Her and Serena have a long-standing agreement to avoid seeing each other on Christmas, after one year that went spectacularly wrong. Now, they meet on December 27th - a date which has no pressure or expectation, where they can have dinner and talk without making it mean too much more, and where Serena tries to be as sober as possible. Olivia is grateful they have built their own tradition, which works for their imperfect and tiny family unit.

‘I’ll see her afterwards,’ she reassures him. ‘Really, El, it doesn’t mean the same thing for me as it does for you. I’m just glad you get to spend time with Kathy and the kids.’

He sighs heavily, and then leans over enough that he can bump his shoulder briefly against hers as they both go back to concentrating out the window, on the hunt for their suspect.

‘As long as you don’t try to fall on your sword for me,’ he says grumpily. ‘When it’s my turn for Christmas, I’ll take the shift and you better enjoy the time off.’

‘Sure, partner,’ she says, but it’s with a teasing tone. She won’t be promising anything, especially because she knows she’ll take his shift next year and make sure Cragen doesn’t allow him to book the hours.

When the Christmas duty finally rolls around, she enters the office to find Munch already there, leaning back in his chair and reading a book. She’s just pulling off her coat when her eyes spy something perched on the corner of her desk - a familiar-looking jar of coffee, once again adorned with a post-it note from Elliot. She tries to hide her smile as she feels Munch’s eyes dart across the room to her face.

For the rest of the year, she will use this coffee sparingly, for some reason enjoying prolonging the moment before it is finished. But for Christmas, she enjoys multiple mugs of the caffeinated fuel, allowing her to get through an uneventful shift. Munch spends the entire time engrossed in his story, surprisingly quieter than normal, and she carries out her own tradition - finishing up all her leftover paperwork, as well as working through Elliot’s stack.

December 2000

Kathy has given him a long list of tasks to complete before Christmas, including picking up specific presents for Lizzie and Dickie that have been placed aside at the toy store, and Elliot can feel his stress levels rise just contemplating how he will manage to complete everything before the 25^th, when he’s expected to be home with the family.

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Cragen had told him, straight-faced and serious when Elliot had informed his Captain that it was his turn to take the Christmas shift. And when he had tried to protest, Cragen had ordered him out of the office with a pointed finger, and a brisk ‘talk to your colleagues if it’s so troubling for you.’

He had tried to talk Olivia out of it, but one of the reasons they made such a good team in the first place was thanks to his partner being just as stubborn as he was - perhaps even moreso - and so despite his best efforts to be a team player, he is again able to spend the holidays at home with the family. And now, two days before Christmas, she is helping him cover his ass yet again.

‘Give me your credit card,’ she says without much patience, her fingers waggling in the universal ‘hand it over’ signal as he rummages around in his pocket. ‘You take the cash and buy Maureen’s present, and I’ll pick up the twins’ toys with the card.’

They’re standing outside a mall, using their precious few lunch minutes to try and knock off a few items from his to-do list, and he’s practically never been as grateful for his partner as he is right now, even including the times she has had his back in confrontations with criminals.

‘Thanks again,’ he says weakly, as they eye the seething mass of people entering and exiting the mall.

‘Come on, Mister Detective,’ she says with a smirk. ‘I’m sure we can survive the Christmas shopping crowds.’

Twenty minutes later, and they are meeting up again outside the shops, Elliot carrying not only his daughter’s present, but also some food as a reward for both himself and his partner. Olivia spies him through the crowd, and her smile is so blinding that he almost halts from the impact.

‘I’m feeling grateful that I don’t have any Christmas shopping myself, after dealing with this,’ she laughs, and it’s a joke from her perspective, but the full meaning of the words hit Elliot all at once. Serena’s funeral had only been three months ago, and Olivia now truly is alone in the world when it comes to relatives. She had told him after last Christmas about her tradition with her mother on the 27th, and now she wouldn’t even be able to enjoy that time with someone.

He takes a deep breath, pushing those thoughts aside for a moment, and instead raises his hand that is carrying the food.

‘I bring a peace offering,’ he half yells over the noise, and her eyes light up at the prospect when she spies the restaurant’s name on the side of the bag.

Christmas comes and goes as usual in the Stabler household, with overly-sugar-fueled children bouncing around with excitement, endless cooking in the kitchen, mountains of wrapping paper, and services at church which finally bring some calm to the proceedings.

Elliot had left the usual jar of coffee on Olivia’s desk for her duty, but this year it doesn’t seem like enough. On the 27th of December, when he’s supposed to be back on duty but his partner has a day off, he sneaks out of the precinct and drives over to her apartment. She doesn’t answer when he rings, so he waits patiently until he sees a figure walking slowly down the street towards the building, recognizing her even from a distance.

‘Hey partner!’ he calls, stepping out of the warmth of the car and into the frosted air, his breath puffing in a cloud in front of him. Her eyes are slightly red, and he knows without asking that she’s visited Serena’s gravestone beforehand.

‘What are you doing here?’ she asks, confused. ‘I thought you and Fin were supposed to be on duty today.’

‘I’m breaking all the rules in order to bring my partner some very important supplies,’ he announces with a flourish, leaning into the back of his car for a moment and gathering up a bag. ‘Let me in?’

She unlocks the front door, and they stand side-by-side in silence in the lift before they reach her flat. Once inside, she watches him curiously as he takes his time to hang up his coat, take off his shoes, and make himself at home for a moment.

‘Cragen won’t miss me,’ he says with a shrug, failing to tell her that Cragen had given him a nod of understanding when he caught Elliot leaving work. He unpacks his bag slowly, covering her sideboard with cookies and Tupperware containers of leftovers.

‘I had far too much food for lunch by myself,’ he says, with an air of innocence that he knows she doesn’t believe for a moment. She opens her mouth, clearly intending to argue, and then shuts it again, reaching into a cupboard to find some plates instead.

Neither of them mentions Serena’s name, or Christmas, or anything about traditions, but instead they have a casual conversation about work as they eat. By the time they are finished, Elliot is gratified to see Olivia’s eyes are no longer rimmed with red.

December 2001

Christmas in New York seems slightly unusual this year, with the fallout of what happened in September still being felt several months later. At the same time, it’s as if some people want to overcompensate with celebrations, trying to bring as much cheer and joy to the world as possible. Kathy Stabler is clearly one of these people, and Olivia is staring, perplexed, at the invitation to a Christmas lunch.

‘Ah yeah, I told Kathy you might be working that day,’ Elliot says, leaning over her shoulder and peering down at the invitation laying on her desk. ‘But we’d like it if you did come...I’d like it.’

Olivia has every intention of not attending a large Stabler family gathering for Christmas, the entire prospect seeming too daunting to face. But when she goes to Cragen to announce her usual intention of working the Christmas shift, the Captain stares at her silently for a long moment, and then shakes his head.

‘I believe we work on rotation here,’ he says smoothly. ‘And you’ve done this duty for three years in a row already.’

She knows what he is saying is bullshit - that he had no issues before with her working Christmas, understanding that this is something she prefers to do. But Fin and Munch are down on the duty sheet, and Olivia suddenly finds herself with no excuse to avoid the party. She tries to think of some other reason, but Elliot’s quiet reminder a few days beforehand, iterating the fact that he’d like to see her there, finally makes her bite the bullet and accept the invitation.

It’s the first time in a long while where she isn’t working over Christmas, having taken the same shift as a uniform officer in the years before joining SVU, and it feels strange to put on a red dress and heels, and catch a cab to the Stablers’ home.

Stranger still is having to face the party once she arrives, with a house that is brightly lit with Christmas lights, loud carols blaring from the stereo, and a large mix of people who she doesn’t recognize, except for the Stabler kids running around along with additional small children.

‘Olivia, you made it!’ Kathy’s voice is overly-enthusiastic, and Olivia has to remember to smile and not just thrust out the bottle of wine she has brought with her.

‘Thanks for inviting me,’ she manages to get out, before she is being ushered into a room full of loud chatter and too many people. She manages to stay a while, mixing politely with whomever she is next introduced to, as well as a couple of other police officers she assumes are from Elliot’s time in the force before her arrival.

Finally, she manages to slip into a corner, nursing a glass of wine and taking a quiet breath.

‘Hey Liv,’ Elliot says, leaning against the wall beside her. It’s the first time they have managed to get a moment to themselves, Elliot otherwise playing dutiful host next to his wife, and she sinks towards him for a moment, relieved at the company.

‘Hey,’ is all she says in response, but that is enough. They stand there in silence for a while, before Elliot is called away again, and Olivia lasts only a short while longer before she manages to say her thanks and escape.

She spends the night at home, her flat silent and bare from decorations, and it’s a reflection of her life now that this feels far more familiar and comfortable in her eyes. She vows that next year, she will ensure she is back on duty - that is now her Christmas tradition.

December 2002

It’s Christmas Eve, and Elliot can barely stand to be around his family.

It doesn’t matter that IAB cleared him from shooting Kendall, or that the man had brought shame to the NYPD by being a dirty police officer. The fact that he had used Elliot for suicide by cop still sits heavy in his mind, and he can’t shake off the feeling despite it being a few days later.

He had spoken to a shrink about it, as ordered by Cragen, but Olivia’s words rang true - that it didn’t help much, to alleviate the strain of having to kill someone, even on the job.

And now, he is expected to put all of that aside, and get in a bright, Christmassy mood, with cheery music and decorations, children with expectations and a wife who needs him to help make their day tomorrow magical. It’s a daunting task, and he can barely get through breakfast without snapping at Dickie to be quiet, or telling Kathleen that she can’t yell at her sister so loudly. Instead, he quietly washes up all the breakfast dishes, staring into space as he finishes his task, and then goes to find Kathy.

‘I’m going out for a while,’ he says, and she stares at him for a long while.

‘Alright,’ she says, and he knows it isn’t alright by the tone of her voice, but he needs to find a way to cope with everything running through his mind right now, especially for Christmas day, and he won’t find it at their house.

The drive to the precinct is also quiet, and when he enters, Munch is nowhere to be seen - most likely napping in the crib.

Olivia has her feet up on her desk, a pose she would never normally be seen in if anyone else was around, and there is a level of peace that washes over him when he looks at his partner, sipping her coffee casually and reading a magazine.

He clears his throat, unable to say anything in that moment, and her eyes shoot across to his in surprise.

‘El?’ she says, dropping her feet and instantly coming to stand before him, coffee almost sloshing out of the mug in her haste. ‘Is everything alright? Kathy? The kids?’

He nods quickly, not wanting her to get the wrong impression.

‘Everything is fine,’ he says in response to her questions. ‘I just...I…’

He doesn’t know how to continue, so shrugs instead. She eyes him for a moment, and then pushes him gently so he is sitting in his usual chair, with her leaning against his desk.

‘El, I know this is tough to work through, but you just have to process it in your own time,’ she says softly, understanding without the need for his explanation. ‘And no-one here judges you if you take a while to sort it out in your own mind, or if you need to use therapy for longer.’

He snorts at this, and crosses his arms defensively.

‘You were right with that,’ he says. ‘It didn’t help much. And taking time doesn’t really work when I have to put it all aside for Christmas. Usually, it isn’t so difficult to separate home life and work.’

Olivia sighs, staring over his shoulder for a moment and clearly thinking through how she wants to respond. He waits patiently for her to react.

‘I’m guessing you didn’t share the details with Kathy,’ she says, holding up her hand when he goes to interject, as if she doesn’t need him to confirm her suspicions. ‘I don’t think you really to, either. At least, not yet, not if you’re not ready. But El, you don’t have to just be this pillar of strength for your family always. Family is also a source of strength for you too.’

He tips his head back at that, gazing up at her as she turns her eyes fully back to his. The way she’s leaning against the desk has almost shifted her to standing between his legs, and for some reason, he has to push down an urge to bring his hands up to her waist. He blinks, and moves the thought aside.

‘How do I do that?’ he asks, and it’s such a broad question, one that he should be able to answer himself, considering how long he has been both a husband and a father. But Olivia’s patience with him is endless, and she just smiles slightly.

‘Go home and hug your kids,’ she says, reaching out to pat his shoulder. ‘Hug your kids, hug Kathy. Let them help you feel the Christmas joy, not the other way around.’

He nods slowly, reflecting on what she’s telling him.

‘Thanks Liv,’ he says eventually, standing up and at once, their positions are reversed again, with him peering down at her. Her face is relaxed and open, without the stress he usually sees when they’re on the job, and he thinks about how she has no-one to go home and hug herself.

The precinct is still quiet, Munch nowhere in sight, and so he reaches out carefully, hands landing on her upper arms and then drawing her in close. She hesitates for a moment, then wraps her own arms around his waist, her head tucking into the side of his neck for a brief moment.

‘Merry Christmas, Liv,’ he tells her, nose buried in her hair.

December 2003

Christmas seems bleak this year, despite it usually never being a very important date in her calendar. Perhaps that is due to the fact she can no longer text Alex for a girl’s night out, grabbing drinks and discussing work, their lives, and any random topic they think about, and so her world of friends feels just that little bit smaller. Every year, Olivia is always reminded at Christmas how few friends she has around her, and how everyone in her life has other people waiting for them at home, or at least wanting to celebrate the holidays with them.

Even Munch has a date, and has arranged to be on call instead of down at the precinct, so Olivia knows she’ll be facing the day alone.

At least for Christmas Eve, Elliot is on duty with her. They managed to close a case mid-morning, and so for the afternoon, they are enjoying the feeling of accomplishment that comes with arresting a perpetrator, even if they know the road ahead won’t be so easy for his victims. Elliot has made them two mugs of her ‘special’ coffee, bringing in a new jar for her just that morning with a smile on his face, and they are both relaxing at their desks, writing up their paperwork and occasionally making a random remark to prompt the other person into laughing.

At last, Elliot throws a balled-up piece of paper her way, where it bounces off her shoulder. She raises her eyebrow at him, without taking her eyes away from her monitor.

‘I have something for you,’ he tells her, throwing another small ball of paper, and this time they both watch it ricochet off her lamp and slide across the floor under Munch’s desk. They silently agree to leave it there.

‘What is it, El?’ she asks, and he seems in such a good mood that her musings over bleak Christmases and having no family are pushed into the back of her mind.

He doesn’t respond, bending down instead to rummage through a bag at his feet. He emerges after a moment, holding a Tupperware container up in triumph, and thrusts it towards her over their desks. Olivia takes it with trepidation, shaking it slightly to hear the rattling inside, and then peeling off the lid to peer within.

Inside sit a pile of cookies, covered in brightly colored icing that looks as if it had been haphazardly spread on, in an attempt to decorate the Santa and reindeer shapes.

‘Maureen made them,’ Elliot says with a soft smile, and Olivia picks one up to smell the rich ginger sweetness coming from them.

‘They smell delicious,’ she says, and truly means it. Elliot fidgets for a moment, and then blushes.

‘Imayhavedecoratedthemmyself,’ he blurts out.

‘Sorry, you what?’

‘I may have decorated them myself,’ he admits, and Olivia’s eyes grow wide in sheer joy.

‘I have Elliot-Stabler-decorated cookies?’ she asks, bringing the container closer to her chest in excitement. Elliot’s neck flushes red in embarrassment.

‘Yeah, well I won’t quit the day job to become some artistic person,’ he admits. ‘It’s not exactly a strength of mine.’

Olivia shrugs in response, her smile not dimming in the slightest.

‘I dunno, Stabler,’ she says in a commanding tone, placing the lid back on the container and gently placing it on her desk alongside the coffee jar. ‘I feel that just makes them extra special.’

In the end, Christmas is not as bleak as she feared it would be, and she spends the day nibbling through a large pile of cookies decorated especially for her, and drinking the ‘good’ coffee that she has come to expect every year. In amongst Elliot’s paperwork, she leaves post-it notes with random musings and comments that entertain her, and she knows will make him laugh when he discovers them.

In the late afternoon, her phone lights up with a text.

‘Merry Christmas,’ he messages her, and she smiles.

‘Merry Christmas El,’ she sends back.

December 2004

Elliot is in a foul mood.

It’s the first time in decades - since he can truly remember - where he won’t have Christmas with his family, won’t be able to wake up on Christmas morning to watch his children open their presents from Santa, won’t be able to have a meal together, or hugs from his children, or attend church as a family, or anything that makes Christmas a joyful time of year.

Kathy is still at her mother’s, and they have decided, with Elliot’s grudging agreement, that it is best for the children to have Christmas there, especially since it’s a long drive between that house and Queens. He’ll have them for the 26th instead; logically, he knows this is only one day after, and it shouldn’t make much of a difference, but emotionally all he can think about is not spending time with his children on Christmas.

In reaction to this, he signed himself up for duty on the 25th instead, figuring it would be better to keep busy rather than feeling sorry for himself in an empty house. He could have pushed for Olivia to take the time off instead, but selfishly, he would much prefer to spend time with her instead of Munch any day of the week, but especially on a day where he is struggling.

When he arrives for work that morning, he can’t shake off the grumpiness that had settled into his entire body from the moment he woke up in a dark and quiet house. Olivia shoots him a smile and a quiet ‘Merry Christmas’ when he shuffles up to his desk, but he only grunts in response, dropping heavily into his chair and glowering at his computer screen.

Their morning is spent in near complete silence, with few emails coming in, and even fewer phone calls. Elliot can’t help but tap heavily on the keyboard in annoyance whenever he has to send a response.

Olivia supplies him with cups of coffee and the occasional store-bought cookie, but otherwise leaves him to sit unbothered at his desk, clearly wary of triggering his mood any further, knowing how upset he is over not being with his family for the day.

There is a tiny fake Christmas tree sat just between their two desks, adorned with a couple of small glass ornaments. When he had first arrived in the office, it felt as if it was mocking him, highlighting the absence of a large, heavily decorated tree in his own house. But as the morning stretches on, and lunchtime approaches, he finds himself staring at the ornaments, puzzled. It doesn’t seem like an ‘Olivia’ thing to have, this tree sat in the middle of their desks, nor does he ever recall seeing it in one of her drawers, as often as he roots around in them trying to find additional pens or empty forms.

Suddenly, he has a realization that perhaps she had bought this for him instead, knowing how much missing Christmas properly had affected him.

He sighs, letting go of his bad mood, and then scribbles down a note on a piece of paper, gently tossing it over towards his partner. Olivia lets it bounce off her shoulder, and roll across her desk slightly. She eyes him for a moment, and then, at his nod, uncrumples it.

‘Yes to lunch, and yes to you paying,’ she announces, reading his question. ‘I know a place that’s open today.’

She stands, grabbing her coat, and he’s quick to follow. As they wait for the lift down, he bumps his shoulder gently against hers, turning his head to look down at her.

‘Sorry I was in such a bad mood this morning,’ he says apologetically. She shrugs carelessly, but he can see the corners of her lips turn upwards slightly.

‘Apology accepted,’ she says lightly, and then he feels a brush of her fingers against his forearm. ‘I understand how disappointing it must be, El.’

He thinks about the ‘special’ coffee she has willingly plied him with, the cookies she probably bought just for the purpose of sharing them with him, and the tiny tree on their desks. The smile he directs her way is genuine.

‘If I couldn’t be with my family, I’m glad I could be with you,’ he says, and the return smile she provides fills him with warmth.

They go to a tiny deli a few blocks down from the station, with a questionable exterior that makes him think he may get food poisoning, but the food inside is delicious, and the ambiance is calm. It’s not the large, fancy Christmas dinner he’s used to having, but the company is great, and he thinks he can almost get used to this as an additional tradition around this time of year.

December 2005

Usually, Christmas is actually a quiet time of year, with cases suddenly increasing with depressing regularity just after the holidays instead, as if the good cheer and alcohol have combined to bring out the worst in people.

This time however, it does not appear as if they will be given a break, and are indeed mid-case when the 25^th arrives.

Elliot had his children for Christmas Eve this year, and through to the morning on Christmas day, so they can do presents and stockings and breakfast together before he takes them over to Kathy’s. Olivia is glad to see her partner is much happier by the time he arrives at the office, still surprised that he even booked to be on duty at all for the day.

‘Can’t abandon my partner during a case,’ he had told her, when she questioned his decision. ‘Besides, we gotta have our lunch at the usual place.’

The ‘usual’ place had only been for last year, but she can’t complain about the fact that they seem to already have a Christmas tradition set in place. It’s the first one she’s had since her mother died, and she guards it close to her heart, trying not to appear too happy about the fact that she’ll be spending the day with the person who means the most to her in life.

She had dug out the tiny Christmas tree again, which had otherwise sat forgotten at the back of her desk drawer, with the slight hope that it would be needed again for this year. When Elliot spots it, he smiles and digs around in his pocket.

‘I have something for this!’ he says, pulling out a small and ugly pine cone decorated as a Santa and hung on a string. He places it triumphantly on their tiny tree, and Olivia laughs at how pleased he seems with himself.

They spend the next few hours concentrating hard, wanting to push the case forwards and not being lazy purely because it’s the Christmas shift. By the time lunch rolls around, they’ve outlined some leads that can be followed up for the afternoon, and especially the next day when people might be more amenable and willing to share details when disturbed in their homes compared to today.

‘Come on, I’m buying this time,’ Olivia announces eventually, when her stomach starts to growl loudly enough to be heard by the both of them. Elliot feigns a shocked expression, and she punches him on the shoulder without bothering to be too gentle. ‘Hey, I pay sometimes.’

‘Yeah yeah, you’re a poor Detective too,’ he grumbles, prompt enough to be wearing his coat already, and holding hers out so she can slip into it.

They go to the same deli, but this time order the food to go, for some reason both of them wanting the privacy that the quiet precinct is providing for the day. The food gets spread out across Munch and Fin’s desks.

‘If it leaves any crumbs, serves them right,’ Elliot announces, leaning back in his chair and enjoying his sandwich. Half of his food migrates across to her plate, and in return she hands over half of her own sandwich. They sit in silence for a while, enjoying the meal as well as the company.

‘I have to say, this is a better tradition than I’m used to,’ Olivia says lightly, wanting to express what it means to her that they’re together, without actually having to say the words. Elliot’s blue eyes stare at her for a long while, until she feels her cheeks warm slightly and looks away.

‘I like this tradition too,’ he says softly, and they make eye contact again for a moment before a ringing phone shatters the peace, working once again coming to the forefront of their attention.

December 2006

It’s been a difficult year for their partnership, Elliot isn’t going to lie. Olivia’s transfer to Computer Crimes, her disappearance while she was undercover in Oregon…he’s almost grateful that they had the disagreement over the Sennet case a month ago, allowing them to clash, and he hates arguing with Olivia, but it also helped to find stability again after months of uncertainty.

‘Who else would put up with me?’ Olivia had said, sat on his doorstep at a ridiculous time in the morning, and he had heard both the apology but also the sadness underlying her words. And the truth is, there isn’t such a thing as ‘putting up with’ Liv in his life – he’s incredibly grateful she’s been there by his side and protecting his back for all these years. He meant what he said before, that the job and their partnership was one of the few things he had left in his life, and then he had to go months without having her around at all. It’s not an experience he would like to repeat.

Neither of them are “due” to take the Christmas shift this year, but he knows Olivia will have booked it anyway, Cragen having long since given up trying to make her rotate out. He knows at this point, she prefers to be working for the holidays, and can appreciate more nowadays that a quiet, empty house is not exactly the best at creating festive cheer.

He has the children for Christmas dinner, splitting the day with Kathy so she has the morning and he has the afternoon in a mirror of what had been organized last year, and so it isn’t possible for him to take the full shift with Liv. He knows Munch has shifted back into his usual tradition instead, and at least he knows she won’t be alone for the day.

But the usual coffee left on the corner of her desk doesn’t feel like enough, especially when she’s mostly drinking tea instead, and so he rises early and spends the entire morning preparing everything possible for when his kids arrive, just so he has a bit of time at midday to leave the house. He drives to the precinct on practically empty roads, entering the station quietly. Munch is not at his desk, and Elliot takes a moment to ponder if the man ever stays at his desk at Christmas, or if he always spends the day in the cribs, before he spots Olivia’s empty desk also. There is no tree on it, as if she didn’t want the cheer without him there. Perhaps that is an egotistical view to have, but he pauses for a moment to pull out her drawer, finding it tucked away at the back along with the small decorations – including the pine cone Santa that he had brought. He takes a moment to set it back up on her desk, smiling at how it looks before he is interrupted by a quiet ‘El?’ from behind him.

‘Hey Liv,’ he says, spinning around. ‘You didn’t put the tree up.’

She’s clutching a mug of coffee, eyes darting between him and the tree in confusion.

‘I thought you had the kids this year?’ she says, but it’s a question rather than a statement. He nods, picking up her coat at the same time and holding it out for her.

‘I do,’ he confirms. ‘But later…right now, we have a tradition to keep.’

She looks at him for a moment, and then places the coffee down, relenting and clearly willing to follow whatever scheme he has planned for them.

He ushers her out of the station, and watches her smile as soon as they turn the corner towards the deli.

‘You drove all the way into Manhattan to have a sandwich?’ she asks, her breath coming out in puffs when it hits the cold. Her nose and cheeks are pink from the frosted air, her hair shining bright in the winter sun, and Elliot can’t help but register how beautiful she looks in that moment.

‘I drove into Manhattan to continue my Christmas tradition with my partner,’ he tells her, and she’s speechless for a moment, before nodding.

‘Well then, partner…I think it’s your year to pay,’ she tells him, and her smile glows.

December 2007

Olivia doesn’t like to think of herself as the “Grinch”, or even someone who dislikes Christmas, but it does seem as if the festive cheer is especially obnoxious this year, with the loud music grinding on her ears.

She’s almost tempted to take time off, not for Christmas purposes, but rather to get away from the work that fills her days and nights with the darkest side of humanity; away from New York, which currently seems extra cold and grey for her, and away from her life, which is particularly depressing and void of enjoyment right now. She had told Agent Cooper that the job was her family, and never was it truer than at this time of year – and this one most of all.

She refuses to admit that the reason why she is feeling this way is because she knows already that Elliot will be busy with his newly reunited and expanded family for Christmas. Baby Elliot is barely a few weeks old, and she understands her partner will be juggling the presents, the cooking, the decorating and looking after his wife, children and newborn.

And where does that leave her?

Nowhere, and nor should it. She isn’t anything other than Elliot’s partner at work, and it isn’t his fault that she has no other family or friends in her life, not even Simon, who hasn’t responded to her messages in months, and this fact has propelled El to be the most important person in her life. She’s always known it wasn’t true the other way around – that his family has always taken priority, and that is the way she wants it.

She feels ridiculous for being so upset over Christmas. It’s always been ‘just a day’ before, even through her childhood, and she’s not religious either. She tells herself that the previous few years have just been something she should be grateful for, and now it is back to the same old routine.

She doesn’t end up booking some far-flung holiday abroad, nor does she escape the city she loves, despite its darker sides. She dutifully signs up for work, forcing a smile for Cragen when he takes longer than usual to approve, and is there prompt and early at her desk, ready as always to help any victim that comes her way.

She refuses to take out her bad mood on Munch either, who is truly part of her tradition at this time of year, or so she reminds herself. A small and petulant part of her wants to throw the tiny tree in her desk into the trash, and ignore the coffee jar that sits in its usual place on the edge of her desk. She squashes the urge, instead taking out the small pine cone Santa and hanging it off her computer monitor, where it brings a small smile to her face.

The rest of the morning is spent focusing on paperwork, including Elliot’s as usual, and midday hits before she even realizes. This time, she pulls out some leftovers from the previous night, already knowing she won’t want to go to the deli to buy anything fresh. She’s just finishing up, when her mobile rings. It’s a familiar number.

‘Hey,’ she says, answering promptly. ‘Anything wrong?’

There’s a pause, and a slight chuckle.

‘Why is that always your first response when I call you?’ Elliot’s voice comes down the line, and she can hear children yelling in the background, with some terrible Christmas carols blaring away over the stereo.

‘The nature of our jobs,’ she throws back at him. He makes a sound of agreement, and then they fall silent. ‘Is there a reason you called, El?’

‘I just wanted to say Merry Christmas,’ he tells her softly. ‘Did you enjoy your usual sandwich?’

She hesitates, but ends up lying to him.

‘Yes, it was great, even if I had to pay for it myself,’ she says, with a false upbeat note in her voice. For some reason, she doesn’t want him to feel guilty that he’s not there with her, despite wishing exactly that he would be.

‘Liar,’ he says after a moment. ‘I bet you had some shitty leftovers instead.’

He knows her too well, but it makes her laugh anyway, that he can tell she is trying to hide the truth.

‘Merry Christmas, El,’ she tells him, refusing to let him know he’s correct. Kathy’s voice filters through, a screaming baby following her calls for Elliot.

‘Merry Christmas, Liv,’ he tells her, and she clutches the phone to her ear for a long moment after he hangs up.

Her and Munch are called to a particularly violent crime scene that afternoon, but the warmth of hearing Elliot’s voice doesn’t dissipate even in the cold December air.

December 2008

Some days, Elliot is reminded that just because they are willing to work at making their marriage successful, or just because they have a new one-year-old baby, doesn’t mean the underlying issues in his relationship with Kathy have magically disappeared.

It’s unfortunate that the holiday season is a time of year that brings these issues to the forefront, but he figures in part it’s because the stress levels of making up for the previous years where the children had to shift between households have added pressure on both of their shoulders, and so everything is exacerbated. He’s never home enough from work, he’s not around for Eli when needed, he’s late in picking up the presents, he’s not involved in the decision-making of the holidays enough. On top of that, some of their extended family is supposed to be staying with them for a week, and the amount of organization it requires to be prepared is making things worse.

His home issues aren’t the only thing preying on his mind recently either.

Olivia still isn’t sleeping well. She hasn’t for several months, and whenever he’s asked, she’s brushed it aside, either pretending she was fine or unwilling to discuss something so personal about her own struggles. He isn’t even sure what has triggered her sleepless nights, but the dark rings under her eyes, her mood swings and increasing headaches he knows she’s suffering all tell a story of someone unable to get a full night of sleep regularly. Sometimes he’s managed to persuade her to have a nap in the crib, but it never lasts long enough for her to look refreshed afterwards.

Perhaps the issues she’s working through is something related to her personal life only, but when he searches his mind for when he first started noticing the changes, his mind goes uncomfortably time and time again to the case where she went undercover at a prison. She had always maintained nothing had happened, but his instincts tell him there is something more she is hiding, and there is a fear lodged next to his heart as to what that might be.

In recent months, she had started improving slightly, or so he thinks, considering he doesn’t actually have any overview of her sleeping habits at home. But in the recent run up to Christmas, he notices the fatigue settling back into her entire body.

All in all, he’s worried about his family, he’s worried about Olivia, and some days, the stress feels overwhelming.

He works Christmas Eve, barely able to stay awake himself for the day, considering the late night of cleaning and wrapping Kathy roped him into the previous day, and the early morning start of relatives arriving before his shift even started.

He’s staring blankly at his computer screen, mind half on the case they are wrapping up, and half on running through his ‘to do’ list to see if there was any major item he missed, when a gingerbread cookie slides across his desk.

‘Hey partner,’ Olivia says, and her smile is bright even though her eyes are tired. He knows this time of year is never especially easy for her, and that she’ll be working again tomorrow, so he feels slightly selfish at the fact she’s clearly worried about his own mind today. Still, her mood seems light, and it helps him to be able to return a smile back at her, nodding towards the cookie.

‘Bribery for something?’ he asks, his tone clearly joking. She wrinkles her nose a bit, pondering, and then winks.

‘I get you this cookie now, you get me lunch later,’ she suggests, as if this was a great compromise, and the ridiculousness of their ongoing battle of payment makes him laugh.

‘I think half your lunches this year have come from me, Benson,’ he tells her, breaking the cookie in half and returning one side to her. ‘But I guess the bribery is working.’

Later, they’re walking back with bags of takeaway, when she gets a serious expression on her face, nudging his shoulder slightly with hers.

‘Everything alright with you?’ she asks, and he almost retorts that he could ask the same of her, but bites his tongue at the last minute.

‘A lot of pressure this time of year,’ he says, unwilling to outright complain about family to someone who has none beyond the walls of the precinct, bar a half-brother who is never reliable. Olivia nods anyway, and perhaps it’s this quiet understanding from her that prompts the next words out of his mouth.

‘I miss our tradition,’ he admits, and out of the corner of his eye, he sees her steps falter slightly in surprise at his admission. ‘I wish I could see you tomorrow.’

‘I miss it too,’ she says. He’s relieved that she’s open to sharing her viewpoint in this, since it’s not always the case, especially knowing they both feel the same way. They say nothing else on the walk back to the station, and as soon as they’re at their desks, it’s the normal focus on work until the end of the shift.

He leaves the usual coffee and note for Olivia, but wishes it could be more, if only to help her feel happier at the end of a long year.

The next morning is as chaotic as he had expected, with his children and their cousins running around and ripping open their presents. Breakfast is almost a production line of food, and Kathy’s brothers especially can eat a lot of food. Elliot tries to let the noise wash over him, but he’s just at the point of hiding in their bedroom for a moment of peace and quiet, when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

‘You have two minutes?’ reads the text from Olivia. He texts back a quick affirmative, and waits for her call. Instead, the phone vibrates again.

‘Outside?’

Despite not doing anything wrong, he checks for a moment that everyone else is occupied and therefore won’t miss him, before grabbing his coat and slipping quietly out the front door.

He’s surprised to find Olivia standing on the pathway up to his front door, nose pink from the cold and awkwardly shuffling her feet. He feels his face break out into a large smile.

‘This is a nice surprise,’ he says, as casually as possible despite it being a rare occasion for Olivia to be at his home. For a split second, the thought springs to mind that maybe something bad has happened, but Olivia doesn’t seem overly upset. In fact, she’s looking rather happy to see him also.

‘Well, I figured you didn’t want cheap deli sandwiches considering all the delightful food that’s most likely cooking right now,’ she says, and then thrusts a travel mug into his hand, another one clutched close to her chest. Their fingers brush together as he takes it, and he’s grateful for the warmth that seeps into his skin from holding the travel mug, now that he’s starting to cool down.

She says nothing else, just watches as he takes a quick sip, and then laughs as the familiar taste of his own gifted coffee rolls across his tongue.

‘A bit of tradition,’ she shrugs. He clinks their mugs together at that, and they both stare at each other for a moment, before looking quickly away.

Elliot can’t stay long, not when his family is inside the house and snow is starting to fall gently, settling onto his uncovered head in a way that makes him shiver. But they drink their coffees in near peaceful silence, and he takes the time to fully relax for the first time that day.

‘Thanks Liv,’ he says quietly, when it becomes apparent that they are both finished. ‘You don’t know how much I needed that.’

She nods at him, reaching out to take the mug out of his hand again. Elliot finds himself stepping closer however, bringing up his other arm to wrap her in a brief hug. Her body tenses slightly in surprise, and then relaxes as she carefully hugs him back.

‘Merry Christmas, El,’ she says, voice muffled as she tucks her face close to his shoulder. He squeezes her slightly tighter.

‘Merry Christmas, Liv.’

He watches her get back into the SUV, the tail lights growing dimmer in the distance as she returns to the station, before he turns to re-enter the house.

December 2009

The more things change, the more they stay the same, or at least that’s how it seems to Olivia. She’s staring at the brochures scattered across her coffee table, taunting her about holidays in the sun and a nice, relaxing time to be had by all.

Earlier in the year, she had been tempted to have a different sort of Christmas, one where she went on a nice holiday to some warm climate, foregoing the muddy slush of the New York winter and instead sunbathing her days away, relaxing and not thinking about work in any capacity. She had felt that at this point in her life, she needed to accept the fact that Christmas will always mean or be something different for her than for many others, and large family gatherings were not going to happen, no matter how much she had dreamed for something out of a storybook when she was a child and seeing how her own home differed from those of other children at her school. So far in her professional career, she’s built a whole tradition up around the fact that she works on Christmas, as if being a martyr for her colleagues and for the victims, or paying penance for her existence, is the role she needs to play each holiday season.

This year was going to be different - out with the old, in with the new, off to sunny beaches. And then, she was arrested for murder.

Strangely enough, it’s not the fact that she almost went to prison for a murder she didn’t commit that still lingers in her mind. Nor is it the fact that she was attacked in her own home by the man who tried to frame her, or that she was practically perp-walked in front of colleagues. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she had always had faith that Elliot and the rest of the team would help her sort it out, that her innocence would be proven.

No, frustratingly enough, it is something Tucker said that lingers in her mind.

‘No boyfriend?’ he had asked her in interrogation. ‘I just find it odd that nobody stopped by to look in on you.’

She wants to tell herself that it’s not an entirely true assessment, that Elliot had both texted her over her sick leave, as well as set about putting her to bed and making her tea when he came over to her apartment. But she’s also well aware of the fact that he came over because there was a relevant case; he certainly doesn’t have endless amounts of time to stop by to look in on her when he has a wife and five children at home, including a small baby. Isn’t it pathetic that she has now entered her forties and yet the only person in her life that cares to check in on her is her married colleague from work?

If she weren’t in such a self-pitying mood, she’d more readily admit to herself that Elliot has never just been a work colleague, and that even the rest of her team would have her back if only she called them for help. Still, she’s pissed at the fact that some cutting remark from an IAB interrogation has her reflecting on her life all these weeks later, to the point that she stalled whenever she even thought about booking a holiday, no longer in the mood for sunshine and relaxation.

One thing she refuses to think deeper about however, is the fact that at the back of her mind, it isn’t enough, what she has with Elliot. It has to be enough, because that is the hand she was dealt, he is loyal to his wife and children, and they’d never cross any lines that weren’t appropriate. But emotions aren’t logical, so while her mind knows all of this, she can’t stop the desire of wanting him to be that person who should check up on her, who should help her when she is sick, or notice if she is not alright. Besides Serena on good days, she’s never even had someone in life to do that for her, to be ‘her’ person’, and it cuts deep.

Instead, she is still alone, all these decades later.

On that pitying note, she takes a deep breath, picks up the brochures for the far-flung destinations, and drops them in the recycling at the same time as leaving her mug of cold tea in the sink. As soon as she arrives at work, she dutifully signs up for the Christmas shift.

This year, she doesn’t even consider dropping by Elliot’s house on Christmas day, almost surprised at how she had been brave enough to do so the previous year. Instead, she and Fin are called onto a scene early in the morning, and the only concession she makes is to fill up two travel mugs with the coffee that Elliot gives to her without fail every Christmas. This time however, she hands the other one over to Fin as they walk out to the car.

They don’t get back to the precinct until much later that afternoon, the cold outside so strong that Olivia feels the chill right down to her bones. Even the ride back with full heaters blasting hadn’t helped much, and now she’s wondering if she’ll ever feel properly warm again.

She wants nothing more than to go home and climb into a hot shower, but there are still several hours left of their shift, so she settles into her chair with a groan instead and pulls out her mobile with half-numb fingers.

There’s a text from Elliot waiting for her.

‘Check your desk,’ it says. ‘And Merry Christmas.’

She looks across the surface of her desk, not noticing anything unusual, until she starts to search through her drawers also. Sat in the bottom one, next to the tiny fake tree that she’s kept despite never bringing it out again, is a small wooden reindeer ornament. She sends a picture of it back to Elliot, hanging from her fingertip, with a message saying ‘it’s cute’.

‘Put the tree up, Liv.’ He texts back. She sighs, but ignores Fin’s curious look as she dutifully sets up the small tree, hanging up the original glass ornaments she had bought several years ago, along with Elliot’s Santa and now the reindeer.

‘Much better!’ he says when she texts him another picture, and she realizes the asshole made her actually feel in a Christmassy mood at last, just by looking at that small tree.

She spends the rest of the shift sneaking small glances at the tree and its new reindeer ornament.

December 2010

‘Hey, talk to me,’ Elliot says. They’re sitting in the car, two hours into a long stakeout, waiting for their suspect to exit the building on the prowl for a new victim. The man usually strikes around 4am, so he knows they have a while yet to wait, and in the meantime, he’s finding himself slightly distracted by his partner.

Olivia has been unusually quiet in the last few weeks. He thinks he knows why. Still, he needs to hear it from her directly, wants them to talk it out if it in any way makes her feel better. But Olivia is Olivia, and part of her personality is made up of large walls and warning signs saying ‘keep away’ when she’s hurting, so he’s well aware that he can only push so far before she balks and refuses to share anything.

‘Talk about what?’ she says smoothly, and they both know exactly what he means, but she’s forcing him to spell it out, clearly in a slightly defensive mood already.

‘About what’s bothering you,’ he says softly. He’s turned towards her, as she stares out the front windshield, so he sees when she tenses slightly, her eyes darting sideways to him and then forwards again.

‘Nothing important,’ she replies, crossing her arms. She shifts slightly in her seat, an indicator of her feeling uncomfortable, and he takes a risk by lifting his hand and resting it on the back of her neck, knowing the move could backfire.

Luckily, it settles her instead, and he watches as she closes her eyes for a long moment, before the tension seeps away.

‘It was always temporary,’ she mutters. His brain takes a moment to register, and then he feels the cut of his own words being flung back in his face.

‘Liv, I-’ he isn’t sure what he wants to say.

‘No, you were right,’ she tells him, this time pulling away from his hand and resting her back against the door. He takes comfort at least in the fact that she is turning towards him instead of away. ‘It was always temporary, but I couldn’t help envisioning Calvin being with me for Christmas. Guess I was just desperately dreaming of some family celebration, rather than facing reality.’

At this, she does turn away, and he knows she’s trying to compose herself. He reaches out again, this time placing his hand on top of hers and squeezing slightly.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. He’s not even sure what he’s apologizing for - perhaps his words, which had been the truth but not something he wanted to be the one saying, or perhaps because once again he is registering the depths of how much Liv has forever been seeking a family.

She shrugs, unable to respond, but a moment later, he feels her hand turn over slowly, their fingers gently tangling together. They sit in silence for the next hour, unwilling to let go of each other, until the suspect is spotted leaving his building at last.

Three days later, Elliot finds himself leaving his warm home and climbing into his car for a drive back to Manhattan. Kathy had not been impressed at his departure early morning on Christmas day, despite his promises to be back soon, in time to help finish cooking the rest of dinner. She doesn’t say much, but he senses the underlying frustration she feels, and is almost petty enough to throw into her face the fact that he’s only been able to be home at Christmas all these years because Olivia has taken the shift time and time again. He refrains instead. There is a fragility to their marriage, even all these years later, and some days, he’s surprised they are both still standing. Some days, he’s waiting for the foundation to crack and everything to fall down around him once more. None of this stops him from leaving anyway, set on his destination with determination.

He arrives at the precinct not long after the shift starts. Same as last year, it’s Olivia and Fin on duty, and they are clearly on a case because they are standing shoulder to shoulder, discussing something up on the board. He clears his throat quietly, making Fin spin around. Olivia turns more slowly, the surprise evident on her face before she even lands eyes on him.

‘Hey Stabler, couldn’t manage a couple of days off?’ Fin snorts. Elliot stuffs his hands in his pockets awkwardly, rocking back on his heels.

‘What can I say, I’m obsessed with this job,’ he says lightly. Fin raises a sceptical eyebrow.

‘Mmhmm, sure,’ is all he says however, and then jerks a thumb over his shoulder. ‘I’m going to go get another snack.’

They wait until he’s left before moving closer together, Olivia meeting him halfway amongst all the desks.

‘What are you doing here?’ she says, and then lets out a huff of surprise as Elliot steps in, wrapping his arms around her in a quick movement.

‘Just wanted to wish you Merry Christmas,’ he says, which explains everything and nothing at the same time. ‘It’s what families do today.’

She hugs him back then, and they are clinging to each other more fiercely than a gentle ‘Merry Christmas’ should have inspired. He can’t help but hold on for longer than appropriate, and she’s the first one to pull away in the end, stepping back and giving him an awkward yet happy smile.

‘Well, it’s not a sandwich at the deli, but I’ll take it,’ she says. He laughs, despite the fact that he feels a twinge of sadness at the fact they never continued that tradition. Her words remind him of the other reason he decided to come in person however, and he pats at his pockets for a second before finding what he’s looking for.

‘Well, this is also a tradition now,’ he says, pulling out a wooden ornament carved in the shape of a snowman. He’s happy to see she has set up the tree again this year, and it sits on the desk behind her.

Olivia steps closer once more, hand coming up to gently take the snowman from his fingers reverently.

‘Thanks El,’ she says softly, drawing it back and clutching it close to her chest for a second. ‘I think it’s a great tradition.’

He’s gratified that she thinks so, and when he leaves the precinct a few minutes later to face the drive back to Queens, he’s already thinking about what ornament he’ll be buying her for next year.

Chapter Text

December 2011

For the first time in a very long time, Olivia takes Christmas day off. It isn’t to celebrate the holidays, or even to go for a tropical journey away from the city. Instead, she spends the day in old but warm leggings and a grey hooded sweatshirt that used to belong to Elliot, drinking far more heavily than she’d like to admit.

It’s been half a year since she last saw, spoke to, or in any way interacted with Elliot, and only a few months since she learnt he had handed in his papers for good. The pain of his abandonment is cutting particularly deep at this time of year. There’s an overwhelming sadness that consumes her, and she’s simultaneously angry at herself for feeling this way, and powerless to shift her mindset to anything more positive.

She had already known this day was not going to be easy, after pulling open her desk drawer in the search for a specific form and instead seeing her and Elliot’s tree and ornaments. Her mind had flashed back to the previous year, to his hug and his promise of traditions, and she had almost broken down in the middle of the station.

So, she’s aware that she won’t be able to provide the work ethic today that the victims deserve, instead allowing the ever-eager Rollins to take over the shift instead. Cragen had almost looked relieved when she requested the day off, and she hates how transparent she is to the man she views almost like a father figure.

The wine bottle is cool in her hands as she continues to take long drafts, letting the alcohol slide down her throat without much of a thought. Tomorrow, she will be disgusted at herself. Tomorrow, she will reflect on how much her behavior tonight reminds her of her mother. Tomorrow, she will vow not to drink so much ever again.

But tonight, she welcomes the dulling of the pain.

-

Elliot is a wreck.

He can still barely sleep through the night, and his mood swings are volatile. He knows he should be going to talk to a therapist about everything, but he doesn’t even know where to begin with it all.

He knows Kathy is being patient with him because she can see the light at the end of the tunnel, that she believes now he has quit the NYPD and fully committed to the family and their marriage, everything will settle down and sort itself out. For her, it’s about weathering the final storm.

For him though, he’s drowning. And the one person who he could trust to help him, he can’t bring himself to reach out to, despite pulling out his phone and staring at her messages every single day.

She gave up texting and calling a month ago, and he feels pathetic at how much he misses hearing her voice messages, even if they were becoming more despondent and tired towards the end, until the final one was merely a quiet ‘bye El’. It had broken his heart to hear, but he’d rather hear the pain in her voice than be without her voice at all, and he feels disgusted by that thought.

In a moment, he will turn around and try to be as happy as possible for his children, pretend to be excited about their gifts to him, and to enjoy the fancy meal that Kathy is currently finishing cooking in the kitchen. In a minute, he will even go and set the table for dinner.

But for now, he presses his forehead against the cold glass of the window, staring out at the already-darkening sky, and allows himself to wonder what Olivia is currently doing. He pictures her at her desk, on duty at usual, and hopes she has an easier day than he is having.

December 2012

The flight to the Bahamas is only a few hours, but Cassidy is out almost instantly as soon as the plane is in the air, head tipped back with a relaxed expression as his breaths come in slow, even inhales and exhales. Olivia cannot settle down in the same way, shifting in her chair in an attempt to be comfortable, and stretching out her legs as far as they can possibly go when the chair in front is practically brushing her knees.

She’s finally taking that sun-promised holiday she had considered several times before, escaping both the job and the city for a few days. To those people who expressed surprise at her taking a holiday, she had shared some vague response about having too much annual leave saved up and simply wanting to enjoy some sunshine. It isn’t a lie - at some point, she thinks Cragen will just ban her from the station for a couple of weeks so that she uses some days off - but nor is it the true reason why she is wanting to get away right now.

In reality, she knows she’s running, pushing aside any memories of how pathetic she felt last year. Perhaps having a change of scenery and a moment to breathe isn’t a bad thing however; she’s determined to make the most of this holiday, even as it still feels rather strange to be taking such a step with Brian of all people at her side.

And she really does embrace the vacation mindset, refusing to read the news in case she gets dragged out of her ‘relaxation’ mode and back into stress. Fin knows he can call her in a true emergency, but beyond that she is trying to set aside the job that has been her entire life for the past fourteen years, if only for a few days.

When Christmas day dawns however, she wakes early, when the sun is barely rising at the edge of the horizon. Brian is still fast asleep, and she’s embracing the peaceful quiet atmosphere enough that she doesn’t want to be disturbed, instead seeking a private place to get lost in her thoughts. She slips out of bed, slipping her hand inside her bag and feeling around until her fingers catch on the object she had hidden away beneath all her clothes, and then pads downstairs. She had felt ridiculous not only buying a jar of instant coffee herself, but also packing it to bring it all the way to the Bahamas, but now she feels relieved that she was nostalgic enough to have done so. It’s the one tradition of Elliot’s that he had never broken in all the years they had worked together, and as the smell starts to emanate from the mug, it makes her feel a strange mixture of sadness and familiarity.

She pulls on a light sweater, and then takes the coffee out onto the front porch, where she sits in silence, watching the view and drinking coffee until the rest of the world begins to wake up.

–

‘Daddy, look!’ Eli screeches, and Elliot watches his toddler point excitedly at the large Christmas tree in the center of the marketplace. Kathy swoops in, scooping up Eli and holding him closer to the branches where his stubby fingers can brush against the pine needles, before she turns her own smile towards Elliot.

They’ve spent several months travelling around Europe, staying for a few weeks in one city, a couple of months in another. It’s freeing in a way his life has never been before, and yet, it also feels as if he’s using it all as a way to run from his past and his problems, never staying in one place long enough to get settled and lost in his own mind.

They’ve decided to stay in Italy for Christmas, and both of them have fallen in love with the country enough that there have been a couple of conversations about ‘what if’ and the thought of moving there permanently. He isn’t sure if it’s just vacation ‘blinkers’ or if Kathy really would want to live in Europe, so far from home and their other children, but right now he’s pondering the concept himself in a genuine manner. A fresh start, away from the pain and the temptation of reconnecting with parts of his old life, could be good for both of them.

Kathleen and Dickie will be joining them for Christmas day, with Maureen and Lizzie opting to celebrate in their own way back in the USA. It feels strange that the whole family won’t be together this time, but it’s something Elliot has had to slowly become accustomed to, as his older children begin to evolve into adults with their own, separate lives.

For now, he enjoys the time visiting Christmas markets in Italy, taking pictures of Kathy and Eli, who is himself growing up faster than Elliot remembers children growing. And when Kathleen and Dickie arrive at Rome’s International Airport two days later, he pulls them both into a group hug that lasts long enough for Dickie to mumble in an embarrassed manner and pull away.

They’re renting a small but elegantly-decorated house while they are here, and with all of their family Christmas decorations in a storage locker in New York, the Christmas decorations this year are simple and understated. Everything is slightly strange and new, but he tells himself that is a good thing. He needs to move on.

There’s no clearer indication of how times have changed than the fact that he’s the first to awaken on Christmas morning, instead of one of the children coming through excitedly. Even Eli is fast asleep, and will be for at least another hour, or so he hopes. He climbs out of bed quietly, trying to avoid disturbing Kathy, and makes his way downstairs. The small tree they purchased still has its lights twinkling, and he watches them for a moment before making his way through the kitchen and to the back door. Their rental house has a large garden attached, and it’s here that he aims for, bundling up in a warm coat, with thick socks shoved into his shoes. There’s no snow, at least not yet, but the steps down to the garden are cold when he sits. He wraps his arms around his own chest, huddling for warmth, and looks up at the still-dark sky. It’s early enough that the stars are only just starting to fade, and he watches them blink in and out as clouds pass. It brings him comfort that somewhere, Olivia is sleeping under those same stars.

December 2013

Truth be told, Olivia almost forgets about Christmas. It’s been the worst year she’s ever had to face, and despite surviving the ordeal, her scars are still plain to see - both the physical and the mental.

Throwing on some carols and getting lost in the capitalism of Christmas isn’t exactly high on her list of priorities, but it feels even worse to accept working on the day instead. As a new Sergeant, she should lead by example, but if there is one thing that she’s learnt from all of this, is that she needs to be kind and take time off for herself also. Perhaps leading by example this time is to have a break and avoid burning out.

So, when Brian asks her what she wants to do to celebrate, she tells him they should have a quiet day inside. Crowds of people, socializing and loud noises all seem overwhelming to deal with, and what is worse is that between the two of them, the majority of their limited friendship pool are also in law enforcement. Olivia’s tired of the perpetual stares and questions on how she is doing. Sometimes, she swears even civilians do a double-take when they see her face, which is either paranoia talking, or they recognize her thanks to the endless media coverage of her abduction, even all these months later.

For once, she won’t be alone at Christmas; even more shockingly, for the second year in a row. It’s something she had wanted often in previous years, and yet despite this, she can’t shake the feeling of loneliness that settles into her bones as the day wears on. When Brian announces he’s going to bed, she waves him off, reluctant to face her usual routine of tossing and turning through the night, with dark and disturbed nightmares.

Instead, she waits until she’s sure he’s asleep, and then leans against the window, gazing out into the city. In one hand, she clutches a mug of ‘his’ coffee; in the other, her mobile phone. There’s only one person she really wants to hear from today - has wanted to hear his voice for all of these months, ever since she first encountered Lewis, and yet he never called. Perhaps he doesn’t know.

She’s pondered ringing him again directly, but the one thing that has held her off for all these months is the fear that her heart is already too battered to face the disappointment if he doesn’t pick up. Tonight though, she’s feeling brave - or maybe desperate - and she finds her shaking fingers pressing his name in her phone.

The number has been disconnected.

–

New York is freezing when he finally disembarks from the plane, the cold wind taking his breath away for a moment. It’s not as if Rome is warm exactly during December, but there is a bitter chill in the air in this city, as if he’s being punished for abandoning his home for almost two years.

Kathy had wanted to spend Christmas with all of the children this year, and the easiest solution was for them to make their way back to New York, especially considering everyone had already spent time in Italy earlier in the year for Maureen’s ‘destination’ wedding. He was happy to see his kids then, and he’s grateful to see them now, but he’s struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is back here, that his running has come to an end. It’s not even completely true - him and Kathy have now settled in Europe properly, with him returning to work there rather than following a nomadic lifestyle and dipping into savings. There is no plan to live in New York again for a while, and indeed they’ll only be in the city for two weeks, over the Christmas break. And yet…it feels both like too long, and not enough time.

He’s tempted to reach out to Fin, or Munch or Cragen…even Melinda. On the other hand, he’s desperately afraid to run into Olivia by mistake, despite her living far away from Maureen’s home, where they are staying for their visit. He knows he’s a coward for feeling this way.

He can still vividly remember the last time they spoke, Olivia driving him back home after that fateful shooting. She had stayed in the car, watching him walk up to the house, and at the last moment had called out to him.

‘Hey El?’ she had said, and he had paused, turning around to look back at her. ‘Take care, alright? I’ll call you tomorrow.’

She had called, but he hadn’t picked up.

That wasn’t the last time he heard her voice, of course - he had listened to her voicemail messages over and over again, before deleting them all and leaving his US mobile behind when they went traveling. It wasn’t even the last time he had seen her.

That had been several months after the shooting, when he had handed in his papers and left the 1-6 for the final time. He had gone in early, to avoid running into anyone he particularly knew, especially considering how difficult it had been to walk through those doors again without having a flashback. Yet he had hesitated when it came time to leave, lingering by the exit without knowing why.

And then he had seen her, walking down the street, coffee in one hand, head down as she texted. The desire to go talk to her had been so strong, that his feet felt like lead when he turned and walked away.

So yes, he fears running into Olivia, because he knows that even now, two and a half years after he had left, he won’t want to leave again if he hears her voice, or sees her face. And yet, he also wants nothing more than to see her anyway.

Christmas is a blur of noise and sound, and most of it passes by without him registering. One thing he does notice however, is that his older children are behaving strangely around him.

At one point, Kathleen corners him in the kitchen. Her body language is agitated, and he watches her wring her hands slightly.

‘Dad, I just wanted to tell you…’

Kathy pokes her head into the room just then, eyes darting between the two of them quickly. Elliot sends a small shrug her way, indicating he isn’t sure what is concerning their daughter so much, but Kathy frowns.

‘Kathleen, come help me over here for a minute,’ she commands, and he watches as Kathleen reluctantly leaves, looking over her shoulder one last time.

December 2014

It’s late Christmas morning, and Olivia can’t bring herself to move from the floor. She’s huddled on the carpet, hugging Noah close so his little face is tucked close under her chin and her back rests against the couch.

A couple of weeks ago, she had been almost overly excited about the holidays, trying to think of a hundred different activities she should do with Noah for their first Christmas together. She had wanted to go all out, buying a massive tree, and any required decoration that a family should have, because she didn’t have any herself. She had envisioned hundreds of lights everywhere, and a pile of presents from Santa under the tree, even if Noah is too young right now to even understand the concept of Christmas, let alone ‘Santa’ or ‘presents’.

The challenge she faced from the social worker had put a stop to all of that however, creating instead a deep pit of fear in the center of her stomach that has slowly consumed her thoughts. She’s promised to be there for Noah, to prove she deserves to be his mother, and she should be confident that Judge Linden is on her side. She even has Trevor Langan in her corner, something her fresh-faced self of a decade or so ago would have been shocked to see. But there is an underlying threat permeating everything, the risk that Noah could be taken away from her in an instant.

She’s survived so much in these past two years, has faced down Lewis yet again, people trying to take her job away from her, trying to lead SVU, but she isn’t sure if she could survive being given the promise of having a family of her own at last, only for Noah to be ripped from her arms. Life has been kind to her in some ways, but unkind to her in others, and Olivia knows the system well enough to be aware that until any adoption papers are signed, she will not truly be able to relax over her role as Noah’s mother.

So now she sits, paralyzed from these thoughts and fears, on Christmas day no less, her son in her arms and a mug of cold coffee on the table. At the back of her mind, she’s frustrated with herself for ruining the first Christmas with Noah, having been unable to bring herself to buy much in the way of decorations or even a tree. Echoes of another little boy she had hoped to be a mother figure for, only to have him wrenched out of her arms, still haunt her memories.

Just then, Noah stirs from his nap against her chest, and she automatically leans him back slightly to see his face. His sleepy eyes make contact with hers, prompting a smile to spread across her lips without even noticing. At that, he giggles slightly, bringing up a small hand to poke lightly against her cheek, and then Olivia is half crying, half laughing at this small baby in her arms.

‘Come on Noah,’ she says softly, shifting to lever herself off the floor while keeping him safe in her arms. She may have failed to buy proper decorations for Christmas, but there’s something that sits in her hallway closet that will be perfect for this occasion. She moves Noah to her hip as she runs her fingers along the boxes stacked within, until she finds the one she’s looking for and pulls it out one-handed.

Back in the sitting room, she settles down onto the carpet again, placing Noah carefully between her legs and arms as she pulls the box closer to them both.

‘Look Noah, a tree,’ she tells him, sliding off the lid and lifting a tiny tree out. It’s been lying in that box since 2011, and her heart twinges to see it now, even as it prompts another small giggle from her son. Carefully she brings out each of the decorations also, placing the wooden snowman on last of all.

‘Merry Christmas,’ she whispers, to Noah, to Elliot…to herself.

–

They have managed as a family to come to an agreement of alternative years, in terms of location for Christmas. Elliot finds it slightly ironic, that he had struggled so much to alternate his Christmas hours with his children back when he and Kathy were separated, but now he is having to do the same thing despite being a reunited family, just by design of overseas living and adult children wanting their own lives.

This year thankfully, Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie and Dickie have all arrived in Rome, along with Maureen’s husband Carl. He knows Lizzie has a long-term girlfriend now, and is slightly frustrated at being so far away from her, so the length of time this agreement will last is questionable for future festive seasons, but for now he embraces the fact that his family is all under one roof once more.

It’s easier, celebrating in Italy. Easier, because there is no temptation to go and see Olivia, easier because there is a time zone difference, so there are fewer hours where it would be possible to call her, hear her voice and have a conversation. He hasn’t looked her up in all the time he’s been away, but if there’s one wish he can have granted at this time of year, it’s that she is living a good and happy life right now.

The family and celebrations keep his mind occupied for the majority of the day, for which he is grateful. It’s not until night hits that he once more feels memories of her creep into his thoughts. It’s 11pm, and everyone is heading to bed, but he knows that in New York, it would only be around 5pm - a perfect time to call someone. His fingers burrow into his pocket, brushing against his mobile phone as he stares out the window.

He doesn’t have her contact details programmed in, but as long as she hadn’t changed her number, he knows it by heart. It would be so easy…

‘Elliot?’ Kathy’s voice calls down the stairs softly. ‘Coming up?’

He starts slightly, and pulls his hand back out of his pocket, without the phone.

‘Be there in a minute,’ he calls back in a similarly low tone. He takes one last long look out of the window, up at the shared night sky, and then turns and heads for bed.

December 2015

Work has been hectic recently, but in a normal way rather than an ominous way. Olivia is getting used to running the place herself, embracing the extra responsibilities even if the added stress has not been so welcome.

This year, Christmas seems an exciting prospect. Noah’s adoption has lifted a weight from her shoulders so heavy that she is surprised that she could even breathe beforehand. Now however, there is no risk of losing him back into the system; she is legally recognized as his mother, and she can start building family traditions with him that she has longed to create her whole life. One thing she will ensure will never happen is for her son to have the type of childhood she herself went through, when it comes to family celebrations or even affection. He’ll know just how loved he is, and she has no problem telling him multiple times a day if necessary.

This year, they really do have a tree, adorned with twinkling white lights, some beautiful glass baubles hanging near the top of the tree, while some carved wooden ornaments sit on the branches closer to Noah’s height. The previous evening, she had been able to play ‘Santa’ for the first time ever, placing brightly wrapped presents under the tree once she had put Noah down for bed. He’s still too young to really understand the concept, but Olivia doesn’t care, determined to make it special regardless, and make up for the year before.

The small fake tree that once sat in her desk drawer has been brought out again also, and it sits proudly on the windowsill, decorated with the usual ornaments. It’s easier to feel the happiness of those past memories now, rather than merely overwhelming sadness, but it’s still so bittersweet. She’s not sure she’ll ever be over losing him, especially not having any answers as to why he walked away, but incorporating their tradition from years ago is something her heart wants, regardless of her logical mind.

In the days after Christmas, she will take Noah and they’ll go celebrate with her extended family, including Amanda and her sweet newborn Jesse. But Christmas day she guards for herself and Noah only.

The only concession she makes is once evening falls, and her son is fast asleep in his bed. She makes herself a mug of coffee, and despite having a fancy machine in her home now, she still uses the same brand of instant coffee that Elliot had bought all those years ago. It’s her own, private Christmas tradition, and she can’t seem to let it go.

When it’s prepared, she perches on the edge of the windowsill, fingers toying with the wooden reindeer that hangs off her and Elliot’s tree.

‘I wish you could meet him,’ she says, to no-one. ‘I wish you were here.’

–

It’s the ‘New York’ turn for Christmas, and Elliot still finds himself struggling to be back home. Because it is home, still, after all these years, but it also feels slightly different now he’s been away in Europe, bringing up a sense of familiarity as well as strangeness when he walks through the streets.

He’s also officially a grandfather now, and the entire concept feels overwhelming to him. How has so much time passed? How is Maureen old enough to be married and have her own children? It’s hypocritical, considering how young he was when he married Kathy and had Maureen herself, but he can’t pretend there’s anything particularly logical about his thought process.

He hadn’t been able to visit for the actual birth of Kieran and Seamus, too busy at work with assignments, and it’s the first time in a long time where Kathy had become angry about his work, something that had seemed like a regular occurrence back in the NYPD days.

‘Typical,’ she had muttered when he said he couldn’t go and that she should return to New York by herself for the twins’ birth instead.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he had shot back, and she had just raised her hands and walked out of the room.

He’s met his grandchildren over video calls these last few months, but the first time he actually gets to hold them in his arms brings tears to his eyes, although he’d never admit that to anyone else. Maureen watches him with her own watery smile, Carl tucked by her side, and for the first time, he’s grateful he returned back to the city, even if only for a few days.

Christmas day this year feels even more wild, with Eli being old enough to run around and truly enjoy the festivities, two young babies, Lizzie’s poor girlfriend Sofia being thrown into the family circus, and a house very full of people when they all come together to celebrate.

Elliot avoids some of the major chaos by cuddling his grandchildren whenever possible, settling into the couch with a baby tucked in each arm.

Olivia would have made so much fun of him, being a grandfather already. He can picture her smile, her teasing tone, her sparkling eyes as she would reach out to take one of them herself.

‘Getting old there, Grandpa Stabler?’ she would have said. ‘Will your knees allow you to run after perps anymore?’

Her voice is so vivid in his mind, and for a second he chokes up, unable to breathe when he looks down at the newest additions to the Stabler family.

‘You’d love them,’ he says softly, to the image in his mind.

December 2016

Olivia is stalling over making a decision for Christmas. She’s well aware that Ed is hoping to spend some of the day with her and Noah, but at the same time, she struggles to let go of the fear of allowing someone into her life enough that they become enmeshed into the traditions and memories she is trying to build with Noah. She’s used to people walking away from her, and to a certain extent, it’s easier to just prepare herself for the inevitable rather than keep on hoping.

Beyond protecting her own heart, she’s also slightly ashamed at how stressful she is finding the concept of creating specific traditions for her tiny family of two. She wants to have beautiful family stories, like the ones she used to hear from Elliot about how the Stablers celebrated Christmas. However, her own life has been devoid of family, and devoid of traditions, unless a stilted dinner with her mother from years ago counts, so she isn’t entirely sure what she’s supposed to do, or what are ‘normal’ things for family traditions. It feels slightly ridiculous to search online for inspiration, but for a while she makes lists in her mind for everything and nothing, some days wanting to do something simple and small, other days to go wild and do every single thing she can possibly dream up.

Eventually, her mind goes back to a Christmas long ago, where she ate lovingly-baked cookies from Maureen, decorated by El, and that prompts her into going to stock up her cupboards with supplies. On Christmas day, she stands barefoot in her kitchen, Noah sat in a chair staring solemnly back at her, and her mind ponders why she thought baking of all things was the idea she should run with, especially considering her general cooking skills. She’s far better than she was back when living alone, providing only for herself - Noah has prompted her to care about avoiding takeout too many times, or relying on too many processed foods, but she is still in the early stages of actually having any ability in the kitchen.

Forty-five minutes later, she has racks of gingerbread cookies cooling, as well as a mountain of bowls in her sink and a fine dusting of flour covering half of the surfaces in the room, Noah giggling away as he watches some flour particles still floating in the air.

Olivia wrinkles her nose at her son, unable to help smiling at his joy.

‘Just wait until you’re able to help me properly,’ she mutters. ‘I’m sure you’ll bring even more chaos to it all.’

When the cookies are at last cooled down, she helps Noah decorate them, uncaring over the smeared mess of icing sugar that covers the reindeer and Santa outlines until they are unrecognizable blobs of bright colors. Noah’s cheeks and hands are also covered in the icing, but she’s pleased at how much fun he’s having, and hence her by extension.

‘I think this is about the same quality of decorating as Elliot managed,’ she tells her son with humor, kissing the side of his head as they wash their hands of the stickiness.

After the baking and the opening of presents, they wrap up warmly and go for a walk in the park, the brisk air making their noses run, but it’s worth it for the sparkling white snow on the ground. Olivia watches other families using the park for sledding, filing it away as something that might be fun to do for future Christmases.

Ed comes over for dinner that evening, the compromise that Olivia had eventually managed to work out in her mind between having time with Noah only, and inviting him to join them. It’s a pleasant enough meal, and as she watches Ed playing with Noah and his new toys, she tries to envision this being the new ‘normal’ in her life - the three of them as a family, every Christmas.

Every time she tries to picture it clearly however, a different face comes up in her mind, until she shakes her head and banishes the entire thought away, blaming her wandering mind on the coffee she’s currently drinking.

–

This year is supposedly a year for being in Rome for the Stabler Christmas, but the alternating locations are already not working for the family, just as Elliot had suspected. He had discussed with Kathy about buying last-minute tickets to New York, but in the end, they had accepted the fact that even if they had turned up in the city, their children would have had other plans for the holidays - the downside of their children becoming adults.

Only Kathleen had made the long trip to Europe, spending a few days exploring Switzerland before making her way to join them in Rome. It’s strange, to be cooking the Christmas meal only for four people, and the entire house, despite usually housing only the three of them, feels extra quiet, as if Kathleen being there had only highlighted the fact that Maureen, Lizzie and Dickie are not.

Elliot is feeling restless, unable to get fully into a festive mood or want to celebrate properly. Their old traditions don’t fit anymore, and he feels simultaneously too tired and old to try and create new ones, and guilty that he might be failing as a father if he doesn’t put in the same amount of effort for Eli as the rest of his children. Thankfully, Kathleen seems happy to be visiting, pulling Eli away from his room and out into the city for shopping and sightseeing, her cheerfulness elevating the household in a way Elliot wishes he could do. She used to be the child most detached from him as a teenager, before she managed to get the medical attention she truly needed, but he’s grateful that now she seems to find the most comfort in family and her parents.

On Christmas day, they organize a family group call, connecting their large television monitor to his laptop so they could have the video on the big screen. Maureen sits in the upper left, Carl wandering around in the background with a child in each arm, occasionally peering closer to the screen to join in the conversation. Dickie calls from outside some party, having chosen to hang with his single friends for the year and celebrate with drinks and loud music, while Lizzie connects from the house of her girlfriend’s parents.

The more they talk about their lives and update him and Kathy about everything going on since they last spoke, the more Elliot feels a deep desire begin to burn inside him, the desperation of missing not only his children but also New York, their home, and the time before all this changed. Nostalgia is not helpful for anyone, especially not for him when his marriage hinges on him not turning back, and no thanks to the bridges he set up in flames when he walked away without a word. Yet he can’t shake off the feeling for the rest of the evening.

When Kathleen and Eli have wandered off to their bedrooms, and Kathy has gone to take a relaxing bath, he lingers downstairs, slowly cleaning the kitchen in a way to stall going to bed. His fingers keep brushing his pocket where his mobile phone is tucked away, itching to dial the one number he has wanted to call all day. Eventually, he drops into a chair at the table, pulling out the phone and resting it on the surface, staring hard at the screen as if it would ring magically for him.

‘Dad, are you alright?’ Kathleen’s soft voice breaks through at some point. He isn’t sure how long he’s sat there for, but his feet and hands are cold, and his eyes feel dry when he blinks them heavily for a moment.

‘Yes, yes of course,’ he clears his throat, standing up suddenly and crossing the room. ‘Are you?’

‘Just needed a drink of water,’ his daughter says, and he watches her pull a glass from the cupboard and fill it up from the tap. She comes to stand before him for a moment, as if assessing him.

‘You happy, dad?’ she asks. It’s not a question he’s expecting, and it’s certainly not one he knows how to answer automatically, his eyes darting back and forth across her face.

‘How could I not be, with you here?’ he says eventually, kissing her forehead. He puts his hands on her shoulders, spinning her towards the kitchen door and gently pushing her towards the stairs. ‘Now let’s both go to bed.’

That night, he lies awake in the dark, listening to the soft sounds of Kathy asleep next to him, and wonders what it would feel like to be completely happy.

December 2017

Olivia is not religious, nor is she particularly superstitious in any way. Some days however, it seems as if fate is out to make her life especially difficult at the end of every year, impacting her mood and upending whatever Christmas plans she had outlined in the lead up.

This year, it’s the nightmares.

Noah is still clingy every night, and Olivia isn’t sure how much is him struggling over the stress of the showdown with Sheila abducting him, despite him not truly understanding the situation, and how much is him processing the fact that someone important in his life is now gone, and won’t be back any time soon - or ever, if Olivia is being truthful with herself. She knows too well about how insidious feelings of abandonment can be, and it is something she never wanted for her son. But now he has two dead biological parents and a grandmother who will be in a psychiatric hospital for a long while, and some days Olivia wonders if Noah will begrudge her for the fact they have so little family - that her entire circle of friends exists from work.

Olivia’s own nightmares linger on the ‘what if’ questions - what if Sheila had shot her? What if Sheila had accidentally shot Noah? What if he had witnessed or been a victim of violence that she had never wanted in his life? It keeps her awake throughout the early hours of the morning, and every time she allows herself to sink into deep sleep, she is back in that room, facing down Sheila pointing a gun at her chest, and Noah goodness knows where in the house.

The fact that she keeps allowing Noah to sleep in her bed when he asks is as much for her benefit as it is for his - the fact that her arms are tucked around her son as soon as she awakens from the nightmare means she can settle her heart rate far faster, that she doesn’t have to climb out of bed and peer into his room every time she dreams she has lost him.

It’s unfortunate that a case pulls her away from the leave she’s taken from work, and disrupts the time she had promised her son would be just for the two of them. It makes her even more determined to make Christmas extra special, just to bring some joy and stability back into their lives, and a smile onto her son’s face.

Her determination over this seems to work - Noah’s dreams seem to calm over the days leading up to Christmas, and by Christmas Eve he is able to sleep the whole night in his own bed, too busy thinking about Santa visiting to worry about nightmares. Olivia herself is up late enough doing the final decorations and present wrapping that she also falls into a dreamless sleep for a few hours.

The next morning, Noah’s excitement is contagious, and they make their usual cookies with the same enthusiasm as always. His happiness over his new toys and books is the same as usual, and Olivia finally finds herself relaxing and enjoying everything rather than looking for signs of him struggling.

It isn’t until the evening where the topic seemingly comes up again.

‘Can I sleep with you?’ Noah asks, his eyes large and pleading, and Olivia feels her refusal die on her lips as she looks into his face.

‘Noah, you know you have to sleep in your own bed eventually,’ she manages, but it isn’t a ‘no’, and her son is smart enough to notice.

‘It’s Christmas,’ he sticks his bottom lip out. She knows she’s being played, but at this moment, it doesn’t really matter, and she heaves a sigh before drawing him in close for a hug.

‘For Christmas,’ she mutters. ‘Then you’re back in your own bed tomorrow.’

Noah runs and jumps into her bed as if she could change her mind again, burrowing under the covers until just his nose, eyes and curly hair peek out. Olivia isn’t even tired yet, but she lies next to him on top of the bed for a moment, allowing him to snuggle into her side.

‘You’re the best mom ever,’ Noah tells her sleepily, and the words take her breath away for a moment. Unable to say anything, she just pulls him even closer and kisses the top of his head, pouring all the love and affection possible into her actions.

‘You protect me from anything,’ he continues, his small hand coming up to pat her arm for a moment. ‘Did your mom do the same for you?’

Yet again, she isn’t sure what to say, but she can’t remain silent forever.

‘She tried,’ Olivia says softly. ‘She did her best to protect me.’

It’s not even the truth, or at least not how Olivia feels, but how can she explain to her young boy that sometimes she needed protection from her own mother? That her parents failed her in this world, and broke her heart. That the only parental figure she trusted was her Captain at work, who now lives too far away to be in her life much. That the only person who made her feel truly protected was her partner, who had her back from day one, and who went out of his way to make her feel safe.

‘Blink your lights when you get inside,’ she can still hear the echoes of his voice.

She looks down, considering what else to say, but Noah is already fast asleep, his small eyes shut tightly.

–

New York seems both familiar and strange, something that Elliot has gotten used to feeling now he’s been back a couple of times before. Still, it never gets easier.

Maureen’s agreed to host Christmas, but her house is otherwise too busy with two young boys and a husband, as well as Bernie staying over with them, so instead Kathy, Eli and he stay with Kathleen in the meantime. It’s a brief visit this year, with him due back to work not long after Christmas, but he’s grateful for the time off anyway, thrilled to see his children after their quiet holidays the previous year.

Kathy departs early on Christmas morning, to go over and help Maureen with the day’s preparations, so it’s left to him to corral Eli out of bed and into the car in time for them to arrive for brunch. Kathleen has been awake from an early hour also, helping pack the car with all the presents they need to remember. Elliot doesn’t want to mess up with gifts - Kathy wouldn’t let him hear the end of it if he forgot one.

Eli is finally up and in the shower, the car is packed, and Elliot is feeling just about ready to face the rest of the day when Kathleen corners him in the kitchen.

‘Ready?’ he throws over his shoulder as she enters the room, busy trying to make a cup of coffee before he has to drive over to Maureen’s. Kathleen doesn’t answer, instead shuffling her feet for a second before dropping into a chair and propping her chin in her hand. He can sense her stare on the side of his face as he finishes making the coffee before joining her at the table.

‘Eli will be a few more minutes,’ he tells her, patiently waiting for her to get to her own point that she clearly wants to share. For a while, they sit in silence, except for the shower whirring distantly from upstairs.

‘Are you happy, dad?’ Kathleen asks eventually. It’s the same question as she asked the previous year, and he still doesn’t know how to answer, taking a sharp inhale instead.

‘Why are you asking me that?’ he throws back instead, looking steadily at his daughter. She shrugs slightly, her fingers toying with the end of her hair for a moment.

‘You never seem that excited about your job, when I ask,’ she says, picking her words carefully. ‘And you live so far away…your grandchildren are growing up, and they barely know their grandparents. I always envisioned you as hands-on grandparents, wanting to babysit and annoy Maureen with your incessant attention.’

‘That’s not fair,’ he sighs. ‘My job is in Italy now. And your mother loves living there. Eli’s life is there. We’re visiting as often as we can.’

It’s a lie - they could visit far more - but it’s as often as he can handle it, which is about the same thing.

Kathleen shrugs, saying nothing else, and they sit there quietly until Eli joins them and it’s time to leave.

Her question lingers in his mind for the rest of the day however, plaguing him perhaps even more than if he was in Rome, because at least there he would have been far removed from the temptation of going to see someone he knows would help him answer that question.

After dinner, everyone is at last distracted by their own tasks, and it gives him an opportunity to slip out the front door, taking a moment to stand quietly with his own thoughts, his arms resting on the garden gate as he stares down the road. Somewhere in this city, Olivia is also celebrating Christmas. He wonders if she is with a partner right now, or even with children and a full family. Perhaps she is working, as she always used to do. Wherever she is, he hopes she’s happy. He wishes he could leave right now, go knock on her door and give her a hug, but he knows it’s just a dream, a nostalgic desire that he had closed the door on through his own actions so long ago.

‘Planning to run off?’ a voice behind him shatters the silence, making him turn in surprise. Kathy stands behind him, her arms folded tightly across her body, her breath coming in puffs of white cloud as she stares back at him. Her tone is not light.

‘I’m just taking a moment in the fresh air,’ he says tiredly. She bites her lip, staring down at the frozen ground for a moment.

‘I know you think about visiting her, every time we’re here,’ she tells him, and it takes a moment to register what she means.

‘Kathy, I haven’t spoken to Olivia since that day at the station,’ he tells his wife yet again. He’s had to repeat this over the years, and every time, it’s as if it’s impossible for her to believe. ‘We haven’t spoken, and I’m not going to run off and see her.’

‘Because you don’t want to, or because you can’t?’ she shoots back, and he opens his mouth for a moment, before closing it again without saying anything. ‘That’s what I thought.’

She doesn’t wait to see how he reacts this time, turning and marching back into the house with a frustrated tension in her shoulders. He feels numb inside as he watches her walk away.

December 2018

For once, work doesn’t seem overwhelmingly stressful and busy right at Christmas time for Olivia. She has time to do all the gift purchasing she wanted well in advance of the actual holidays, plus the food shopping and preparation for their Christmas meal. On Christmas Eve, she takes Noah over to Amanda’s house, where the whole squad gathers for a group Christmas celebration before the actual day. They’re the family that Olivia has created for herself and her son, and it fills her heart with a joy that lasts through the night to Christmas morning.

Despite Noah showing behavioral problems in the recent weeks, his mood fluctuating and angry at moments, she finds he is also on his best behavior over Christmas, and they spend hours having fun together, baking cookies as usual, opening presents, and going sledding in the park.

It’s not picture-perfect, and it doesn’t exactly match the dreams Olivia had as a child, but she’s proud of the life she’s now built for herself - that she has found a family of unique, troubled yet brilliant people, that she has a son despite the universe placing barriers every step of the way, that she has a Christmas with traditions now, just as she had always wanted.

There’s only one missing piece of the puzzle, yet she tries not to linger on thoughts and ‘what ifs’ when it comes to Elliot. She had tried to keep the anger at his abandonment burning bright and alive, but when that failed, she attempted instead to move on completely, telling herself that she no longer cares. Instead, she finds herself living with a strange mix of acceptance and sadness, an empty hole in her chest that will never quite be filled, but can be left numb and in the corner of her mind if she doesn’t reflect too much on their relationship.

Tonight though, warm from a pleasant Christmas, and feeling nostalgic whenever she looks at the small tree balanced on the windowsill, adorned with ornaments of a long-ago partnership, she is willing to sit and think of him for a while.

Pulling out a jar of a certain brand of instant coffee is like second nature to her at Christmas time; she always ensures that she has stocked up on December 1st. It’s not until she’s settled down with a mug, toying with the wooden snowman hanging from the tree branch, that another thought strikes her.

It’s been over twenty years since she started working at SVU.

Her anniversary in fact would have been back in May, but when she explores her memory, she remembers difficult cases, being held hostage by Lourdes Vega, facing down cartels, and there’s no wonder it slipped her mind. There’s no-one even left at the precinct who would remember her starting year anyway, let alone the month she joined.

It feels a lifetime ago - how young she was, how full of ideals and hope. She still has that same passion, the same drive, but at the same time, she feels weary to her bones now, and the idealistic view of the world, where she could simply bring down the perps and save people, seems like a distant dream.

She occasionally reminisces with Fin about the early days of their career, but right now, there is an ache in her heart for her colleagues from day one. Munch, already jaded, yet willing to throw a humorous thought or conspiracy theory to the team, if only to make them smile; Jeffries, the lost soul whose career thrived much more when she freed herself of the darkness that comes hand-in-hand with SVU; Cassidy, sweet and naive in those early days, struggling to survive the harshness of the world until he too left the unit.

Elliot.

She closes her eyes, and remembers.

‘Let me introduce you to your new partner,’ Cragen says, ushering her out of his office towards a tall, harried-looking man who is paying more attention to rummaging through the paperwork on his desk than to the approaching duo. ‘This is Detective Stabler. Stabler, meet your new partner, Detective Benson. Transferred in today.’

The man turns his blue eyes on her, examining her with an assessing gaze.

‘Captain, you know I didn’t wa-’ he says, abandoning his paperwork search for the moment. Cragen holds up his hand.

‘I don’t give a damn what you want or don’t want, Stabler,’ he barks, and then points to a desk opposite Elliot’s. ‘This is your desk, Benson. Stabler, catch her up on the case once she’s settled in.’

Olivia feels the burning of Elliot’s gaze as Cragen walks away, and she turns towards her desk.

Dropping into her chair, she gives him a challenging stare back, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen from her bag without looking down.

‘I’m settled in,’ she says with a smirk. ‘Now hand over the files.’

Stabler opens his mouth, and then shuts it again. Finally, he laughs, although it is more from disbelief than humor.

‘Alright Benson,’ he says, throwing a file across his desk to land on hers. ‘Give me all you got.’

By the end of the day, they are theorizing together, scribbling things on the whiteboard in an attempt to outline the case’s timeline fully.

‘No, I disagree,’ Olivia complains, pulling the pen out of his hand and nudging him aside gently with her shoulder. She’s so engrossed in explaining her ideas that she continues talking for several minutes before she realizes her new partner is being quieter than she’s already gotten used to him being. ‘Problem, Stabler?’

Elliot shakes his head.

‘No problem,’ he says, and it’s one of the first genuine smiles she sees from him. ‘Continue, please.’

–

The irony, Elliot reflects as his eyes slowly blink open and take in the white, sterile environment he’s currently trapped within, is that the entire family did actually manage to make it to Rome this year, and yet he is locked away in the hospital.

It’s been four years since some of them have visited Italy for Christmas, and Elliot had been excited to host all of his children under one roof yet again.

‘It might be the last time we all manage it,’ Dickie had warned him over the phone a couple of days prior to their flight. ‘It’s a lot more challenging for us all to make it over there, especially for Mo. Honestly, I always felt like you preferred being back in New York anyway.’

Elliot had grunted in response, loathe to accept that Dickie was probably correct in his assessment - getting children, husbands and partners all across to Italy was a challenge, especially aligning schedules and work shifts.

And then, two days before Christmas, he gets stabbed on the job, the knife cutting deep into his abdomen. The doctors have assured him that there shouldn’t be lingering issues long-term, but only if he rests well and tolerates the proper healing process. Besides that, they are stern in their refusal to allow him to be discharged from the hospital so soon after surgery, which leaves him lying in a hospital bed for Christmas day, missing his family gathering.

They all visit him for Christmas morning, bringing a bag of presents to open in his hospital room. Kieran and Seamus are as well behaved as can be requested when hyped up on sugar and the expectation of Christmas, and eventually Maureen and Carl take them away, with the rest of the family departing soon after, to continue celebrations back at the house until it’s only him and Kathy left.

‘You should go home too,’ he tells her, his voice cracking slightly from fatigue and pain. ‘They’ve come all this way, and want to see their mother.’

Kathy leans forward, taking his hand in both of hers, and nods in acceptance.

‘I said I’d be back in a while,’ she agrees. ‘Wanted to have just a few more moments with you.’

They sit there quietly for a while, neither of them feeling the need to say much, instead wanting to appreciate Elliot surviving another near miss.

‘It’s times like these that I miss Olivia,’ Kathy says, and the sudden breaking of silence as well as the sentence she’s just uttered leaves him blinking in confusion for a moment.

They haven’t discussed Olivia or even mentioned her name, ever since their short argument last Christmas in New York. Elliot doesn’t understand why Kathy is bringing her up now.

She must understand his confusion, because she laughs self-consciously and shrugs her shoulders.

‘At least whenever you were on the job with Olivia, I knew she had your back…that she would do whatever she possibly could to ensure you came home safely every night. Nowadays, I don’t know who you’re with. All I know is that they don’t care in the same way as she did, and some days that leaves me wondering if I’ll even see you home alive.’

He’s speechless, turning over her words in his mind but unable to find any himself. Kathy isn’t even looking at his face, staring instead down at their clasped hands as her mind seems preoccupied with the past.

‘She used to keep me company, in the hospital,’ she continues, after a moment. ‘However bad your injury was, she’d be there to say “don’t worry Kathy, El will be fine”. Having someone to sit with in the waiting room always helped my nerves. Made me believe you would be alright, and you always were, eventually.’

She stands abruptly at that, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek and then the lips, her hands releasing his, resting instead gently on his shoulders.

‘The kids are waiting for me,’ she tells him, and he gazes back into her face for a moment. ‘Merry Christmas. I’ll see you tomorrow when visiting hours open again.’

‘Merry Christmas,’ he manages to croak out, and then watches her walk away.

They never mention this discussion again.

December 2019

Life is a series of ups and downs, something Olivia has learned to her success and detriment over the years. The year she had faced the worst monster in her own life for the final time, was the same as she was provided the most important and special gift in the world - Noah.

This year, she became Captain in September.

She buried her brother in October.

It’s two months later, and her mind still wanders to that phone call, to those final words she told Simon, to never contact her again. The knowledge that those may have been the final words he heard, not only from her but perhaps from anyone, eat her up inside until whenever she thinks of her brother, the guilt consumes her.

He was far from a perfect man or sibling, his demons meaning they were never able to grow as close as she’d like. Years of no contact drop away however, when she reflects that once again, she has no blood relatives in this world, besides a niece that she has no way of finding, and whose mother made it very clear years ago that she wanted nothing to do with Olivia or Simon.

Christmas eve and day pass in the usual fashion, her ‘new normal’ with the squad and her son, and the traditions she has clawed her way through life to create. But as the 25th of December draws to a close, she finds herself standing in front of her hallway closet, a glass of wine in one hand while the other hesitantly goes to pull open the doors.

Eventually, she finds the box she’s looking for, tucked towards the back of the pile, and carries it carefully into the living room.

‘Noah,’ she calls, gesturing to her son, who lies on the floor flicking through a new book, and pulls him close as he settles on the couch next to her instead.

‘What’s up, mom?’ he asks, his face tilted towards her but his eyes lingering on the box with curiosity.

‘I wanted to show you some pictures,’ she tells him, opening the box and placing a pile of photo frames onto her lap. ‘I wasn’t entirely open with you a couple of months ago. Do you remember my friend we ran into one day? The one who never showed for our lunch, and I discovered he had passed away?’

Noah frowns for a moment, and then nods, remembering the time where he stayed with Lucy and she went to the funeral of who she said at the time was her friend.

‘His name was Simon, and he was actually my half-brother,’ she says, picking up the only picture she has of her and Simon together, both looking so much younger, their smiles unsure but bright, and their arms flung around each other’s shoulders in an attempt to look casual.

‘You never mentioned him before,’ Noah says, fingers reaching out to brush against the frame.

‘We didn’t grow up together,’ she tells him carefully, and describes in simple terms how they shared a father but not a mother or childhood. She never mentions the real connection with her father, or the reasons why she and Simon truly hadn’t remained in touch over the years, but by the end of her explanation, she thinks Noah understands enough, and places the picture aside on the coffee table. Later, she will find a place on the bookshelf for it to be out in full view rather than tucked into a box.

‘Who’s that?’ Noah asks, pointing to the next frame on her lap, and Olivia can’t help but laugh at the picture: her and Elliot, standing to attention with a ridiculous expression on their faces, alongside Cragen. She had had many photos of Elliot around the flat for years, until it hurt too much to look at them, and Noah had grown up too much to not ask questions she hadn’t wanted to answer at the time.

‘That’s Elliot, my old partner,’ she says, a knuckle rapping against the glass in emphasis. ‘Before Nick. Him and I worked for years together.’

‘Where is he now?’ Noah peers closer at the photograph, scrunching his nose as he takes in all the details. ‘Why haven’t you mentioned him before either?’

Olivia pauses for a moment, considering.

‘He left,’ she says at last, propping the picture up on the table also. ‘Quit the job - well deserved. I’m not sure where he is. It was all long before your time.’

‘Then he missed the most important time,’ Noah announces, a fake-haughty tone to his voice, his arms thrown wide as he presents himself to the world. Olivia laughs at his antics, leaning forwards to kiss the top of his head, and perhaps that was his plan all along, to make her smile again.

‘You’re right, baby,’ she tells him. ‘He’s missed very important events.’

People have always left her, in life. She’s almost become used to it, but the pain is fresh every time it happens again. At least unlike Simon, Elliot is out in the world somewhere, hopefully living a good life with his wife and children, rather than buried beneath cold dirt.

–

‘Slow down, Seamus,’ Maureen calls, and Elliot almost trips over his grandson as soon as he enters the house, a pile of plastic toys and a slightly wild looking young boy frolicking around the main entranceway.

Elliot scoops Seamus up, tucking him under one arm and making loud engine noises as he propels the boy towards his mother in the living room.

‘Caught a rogue child!’ he announces loudly as he enters the room, and then flips Seamus so the boy is in both his arms, before dropping him unceremoniously but with the practiced ease of a parent onto the couch. Kathy and Eli enter the room behind him, and there is a loud chorus of greetings as everyone gathers together for the first time in a year. He’s seen Kathleen and Lizzie at odd times over the last few months, both of them taking the opportunity to vacation for the summer in Europe, but he had been busy at work, with barely any time to spend with them.

Eventually, Carl carries off the two boys, and the rest of the family spread out into different rooms and conversations, all taking the opportunity to catch up.

‘How are you, Mo?’ Elliot asks, settling beside her with a groan and pulling his eldest into a tight embrace. He feels her rest her head on his shoulder for a few minutes, letting out a deep sigh.

‘I miss you and mom,’ she tells him truthfully. ‘I miss my boys having their grandparents around. I feel like I’m missing out on Eli growing up, that soon I’ll blink and he’ll be an adult I don’t even know, rather than my brother.’

The words hit home uncomfortably, and he shifts slightly. Maureen pulls away, patting his knee once before sitting back and staring him directly in the face.

‘Bernie is getting worse,’ she tells him bluntly. ‘Kathleen is trying to support her as best she can, but we’ll soon have to be considering a facility if things don’t improve.’

The unspoken ‘and you aren’t here to help’ rings loudly in his ears.

‘I’ll sort it out,’ he promises, despite not having an idea of what he is supposed to do with his strong-willed but sick mother. ‘For now, let’s enjoy just celebrating Christmas all together, and in the new year, we’ll sit down and think through all options.’

Maureen nods, appeased, and then pushes upwards, standing slowly.

‘I know you love Italy,’ she tells him, and he’s not entirely sure that ‘love’ is the word he’d use, but he won’t ruin her perception, any which way. ‘But you’re missing out on life here in New York too.’

At that, she wanders away, to speak to her mother instead.

Elliot hears her, loud and clear, but places it aside for the actual holidays. They celebrate as one large family, and it feels joyful and light. He’s grateful to be in New York this time, even with the usual tug of temptation of finding out about his old life weighing in his stomach.

He’s also grateful that the entire family can be together this Christmas, because a few months later, borders around the world begin to close.

December 2020

As with almost everyone else in the world who celebrates the holiday season, Christmas in the Benson household is a quiet affair. Covid is still rampaging, and the last thing Olivia wants to do is risk exposing her son to a disease that could attack his already-compromised lungs.

The pandemic has been exhausting, and yet she doesn’t feel as if she can complain, considering everyone in the city is facing the same issues. Layering lockdowns and quarantines and endlessly changing rules on top of the job they are trying to do has felt an almost insurmountable task at moments during these past months, and she is grateful that they can all be at home this year; at least for SVU, the squad room will be quiet while people sit on call at the end of a phone instead of at a desk.

The year had started with Tucker’s suicide, and is now ending during a pandemic that refuses to calm down, and as their quiet and private Christmas day winds to a close, Olivia drops into an armchair with a tired sigh.

She knows Noah is disappointed that he hadn’t been able to see the rest of the squad for their Christmas Eve dinner, nor is he able to spend time playing with his friends. But their day had been pleasant enough anyway, with both of them playing board games and cards in lieu of any activity that takes them away from the safety of their own living room.

‘Love you mom,’ Noah says, as she tucks him up for the night. One day, he won’t let her be so clingy to their night time routine, but for now he still allows her to tug up the blankets until he is snuggled up tightly, before she kisses his cheek and switches off the lamp.

‘Love you too,’ she whispers, pulling the door closed. And then, she is alone.

She ponders getting into bed early, either to read a book or watch some television show that she always tells Fin she will get around to watching and yet never does. Something draws her feet back to the living room however, and she settles in with a mug of The Coffee and her feet tucked underneath her, staring out the window at the dark sky. If she lived somewhere less densely populated, she knows she’d be able to see beautiful stars shining in the dark. Instead, there are street lamps and a few car headlights, and flashing sirens as a police car races by their building. Somehow, the noise of the city is more calming to her than any scene of nature would ever be.

It’s here, in the dark, that she allows herself to worry about someone she hasn’t spoken to in many years.

She has no idea where Elliot is - if he had remained in the city, or fled to the other side of the country. Maybe he didn’t even stay in the United States, although she struggles to picture Elliot content to be separated long from New York streets - his home away from home.

More importantly, she has no way of knowing if he has remained healthy during this global pandemic. The city has been hit hard, with a death toll she feels cut her heart whenever she reads the latest figures. What if he had gotten sick? What about his children? Or Kathy?

She likes to believe always that he is happy and healthy, living a fulfilling life away from the darkness he clearly had to flee when he left her behind. But the uncertainty, the fact that she doesn’t know, and may never know, how he and his family are doing, consumes her mind for the rest of the evening.

Before she goes to bed, she kisses her finger gently, and rests it on the top of the small fake tree, which sits in its usual place on the windowsill. She’s not one to pray to a higher power, but she hopes Elliot can feel her love anyway.

–

None of the children can visit this year.

It hurts Elliot to be unable to hug any of his children besides Eli, especially since it has already been a year since he last saw any of them. Even Kathleen has stayed away, unable to justify flying all the way over to Italy during a pandemic, if the borders were open at all.

Seamus and Kieran have grown a lot since they last visited also, as demonstrated by the pictures Maureen sends to the group chat constantly.

Elliot realizes she is right - everyone is growing up, or old, too quickly, and sometimes he feels as if it’s all his fault, that he separated his family up. He knows that Kathy is content in Rome, that she hadn’t begrudged his need to escape New York for a while. But ‘a while’ has turned into years, and now he thinks back over the decisions he made, which has left him currently thousands of miles away from the rest of his family, missing years of them growing up, taking new jobs, building lives with their own loved ones and children. Lizzie will be proposing to Sofia soon, he knows, and yet, he won’t be there to give them a celebratory hug.

‘Don’t be so depressed about it,’ Kathy nudges his shoulder, as they gather their Christmas meal together. It’s been interesting, scheduling the time zone differences, but soon they will sit down together via video call, the best solution in these times. In the meantime, they’d tried to make it as fun a day as possible for Eli, although they also know he’s upset at not being able to visit his friends recently.

‘Sorry,’ he tells Kathy, and genuinely tries to build up the excitement, if not for him, then at least for his youngest son.

‘Come on Eli,’ he calls. ‘Time to make fun of your siblings for being old compared to you.’

Eli grunts from his bedroom, but emerges in time to carry plates full of food from the kitchen into the living room, where they settle on the carpet, backs against the couch and huddled closely together so that the camera can pick up all three of them.

‘Hi dad! Mom! Eli!’ Maureen’s voice filters through the speakers as she joins the call, and then suddenly Lizzie, Dickie and Kathleen are all there also, waving through the camera.

As dinner winds to a close, and conversation turns from light-hearted catching up to more serious topics, Elliot settles back and listens to his children give an update on how New York has survived during the most recent pandemic times.

There has been one thought eating away at his mind for months and months, all throughout the pandemic and seeing the death toll rise not only in Italy but in New York as well.

He doesn’t know how Olivia is doing.

He hopes she has kept safe and healthy, avoiding any unnecessary risks and staying locked away in her apartment at any opportunity she can. But he also knows her well enough, even after all these years, to expect that she would gladly put herself at risk if it meant saving or helping a victim, and he fears she is continuing to push herself too much in life.

It’s arrogant to think if he was there, he could protect her - not after all these years have passed. And yet, he knows the truth - that if he was there with her, he’d make sure she was putting herself first, even if he had to drag her kicking and screaming into prioritizing her own health.

He’s torn also in terms of her living situation. Embarrassingly, jealousy burns hot in his chest whenever he even tries to imagine her living with a partner; at the same time, he lies awake some nights, worried that she still lives alone. What if she falls ill? What if no-one is there to help her, make her a cup of tea? What if whatever squad exists there now doesn’t notice how sick she might get before she really asks for help?

‘You all better call me soon,’ Kathy is saying, and he’s interrupted from his thoughts by the realization that the video call is coming to an end. He lifts his hand and points to each of the kids, and then Kathy.

‘Call your mother, children,’ he says, with a mock-menacing tone, and they laugh while simultaneously rolling their eyes.

‘I miss them,’ Kathy says later, as they climb into bed.

‘Me too,’ he tells her, pulling off his reading glasses and dropping his head heavily onto his pillow.

Kathy switches off the lamp, and he can hear her move quietly in the dark as she settles herself down also.

‘Perhaps we can visit New York some time in the spring,’ she muses out loud. ‘Would be nice to see the kids, and maybe the borders will be open again.’

‘I hope so,’ Elliot replies, patting her arm in the dark before turning away and getting comfortable on his side. ‘Let’s aim for spring then.’

Chapter Text

December 2021

Christmas is a subdued affair, despite best efforts to the contrary, and the most light-hearted part of the festivities comes the weekend before Christmas, when they gather together for a meal and celebration that is removed from the pressure of the 25th of December.

Even Ayanna’s news regarding Wheatley’s release doesn’t hit him as hard as it otherwise would have done, not when Olivia turns up to his house five minutes later, hand-in-hand with her son and with a shy smile on her face. He pushes the news aside, cornering it off into the back of his mind, so that he can be present and enjoy this moment instead - that after all the pain and hardship they’ve faced throughout the year, he has the rest of his family together under one roof, and that they are able to find joy despite losing Kathy. And on top of this, he now has Olivia back in his life.

Sometimes it feels surreal that Olivia has seemingly accepted his return, and is willing to take the steps forward to find balance again between the two of them, to find forgiveness. He meant what he said - he wants to know about her life in these past ten years, to raise his head above the surface of his own issues and see her clearly. There’s a fear lingering in his mind too, the fact that she had described it as things that had ‘happened’ to her, which brings up ominous thoughts in his mind. For now though, he sits back and watches as Noah makes friends with Seamus and Kieran, jumping straight into whatever fantastical architectural design they were trying to build before he accidentally ruined it.

His plan had been to spend a lot more time with Olivia during this visit, laying more of the groundwork of their ‘friendship’, but instead he observes as she’s pulled in a hundred different ways by the rest of the people at the house. Bernie wants her to test out the cookies, Maureen is looking to ask her opinion on something to do with the boys, Carl wishes to have a casual conversation that isn’t based at a funeral or in the height of emotional turmoil for the family, while Lizzie shyly introduces her girlfriend, Sofia. Kieran and Seamus want to meet Noah’s mother, one of them dragging her by the hand to come join in with their playing, and even Dickie approaches her at one point. Elliot can’t make out their conversation over the general noise level from the rest of the family, but their expressions are serious until finally Dickie breaks into a smile, patting Olivia’s shoulder and then wandering away.

Kathleen hovers around Olivia the most, and in some ways, Elliot can sense her seeking out some motherly validation in her approach, trying to make Christmas perfect for everyone whilst also missing her own mother. Eli conversely avoids Olivia, making Elliot wonder if there is a problem or if it’s simply embarrassment from her being involved in helping out with many of his recent issues. At dinnertime however, he finds Noah sitting on one side of Olivia, and Eli sliding into the seat on her other side. Having lost the right to sit next to her, Elliot chooses the seat opposite instead, all the better for staring at her face, and watches as something mentioned in the diner conversation, which he himself is barely following, causes Eli to tense up. Olivia reaches out absentmindedly, resting her hand on his son’s forearm for a second before sliding it away again, and Eli’s shoulders relax again.

By the time the evening winds to a close, Elliot is torn between being vaguely disappointed that he hasn’t managed to spend much one-on-one time with Olivia himself, and grateful that she already plays such an important role in his family’s world.

That warmth and cheer seems further away on actual Christmas day. Maureen and Carl have taken the boys to visit Carl’s parents, and Lizzie has also decided to go visit her girlfriend’s family. Elliot wishes his entire family would still be there, but he can also appreciate that perhaps it’s easier for them this way - an attempt to distance themselves from the void that is Kathy missing from family gatherings. Kathleen and Dickie, always his two children seemingly unlucky in romantic love, both turn up, and between the three of them, they make the day as cheerful as possible for Eli, and as calming as possible for Bernie, who has seemed slightly agitated in the last few days.

Eventually, the day is nearing its end, and Elliot takes a deep sigh of relief and sadness, as he registers that they’ve managed to make it through the first Christmas without Kathy. Dickie calls it a night by 11pm, leaving to go back to his own flat, while Kathleen decides to crash on their couch instead. Eli insists he is going to bed, but Elliot knows he is most likely going to play some of his new video games until the early hours of the morning. It’s not something he can begrudge his son at the moment.

Finally, he is alone with his thoughts. He lingers in the kitchen for a while, clearing up the final few dishes without worrying too much about disturbing Kathleen, considering how deeply she sleeps. He’s reluctant to head to bed himself, so after some hesitation, he grabs his coat, keys and phone, slipping out the side door to go stand on the patio.

The phone rings three times before she picks up.

‘Hey,’ her voice is low and rich in tone, and he hears her shifting around, as if she’s already in bed. It’s unsurprising - he knows he’s calling late.

‘Hey,’ he says, his smile obvious in his own voice. ‘Was calling to wish my friend Olivia a Merry Christmas.’

‘Merry Christmas, El,’ she replies. ‘How was it?’

‘As expected,’ he tells her. ‘Not easy, but we managed. What about you? I heard you were dealing with bomb threats yesterday…had me worried.’

‘Never a dull day at SVU,’ she agrees. ‘But we’re all fine…we caught the guy. And as I’m sure you figured out from the lack of news regarding a bomb going off, we also managed to stop him in time.’

Work is a safe topic, but not exactly the one he wants to linger on. They lapse into a pause for a moment, quiet but not in an uncomfortable way.

‘Can I see you?’ he blurts out, his brain slower than his heart, because he barely realizes that is what he has asked. There is an inhalation of breath at the other end of the line, but Olivia says nothing, so he pushes ahead, playing what he hopes is his winning card. ‘Friends should see each other on Christmas.’

At that, she laughs, and he releases the tension he didn’t even know had crept through his body.

‘Is that so, Elliot?’ she challenges him.

‘It’s what I hear,’ he continues, in a faux-innocent voice.

‘It’s late,’ she says, but she hasn’t said no yet. ‘What about Eli?’

‘Kathleen is here if he needs anything,’ he says. ‘And my mother. Also, I’m the only one still up, so I doubt they’ll be missing me.’

He can practically hear the warring factions of Olivia’s thoughts, between her desire to be sensible in the face of his request, and the slightly rebellious streak she’s always had in life.

‘Fine, but send me a text when you arrive,’ she says at last. ‘I don’t want you waking up Noah by ringing the doorbell.’

The roads are practically empty as he drives over to her building, and he’s thankful that he can get there in near record time without having to speed. He shoots her a quick message when he’s in her elevator, the guard at the door clearly expecting his arrival, and by the time he reaches her floor, she’s leaning against the door frame, watching him approach.

‘Merry Christmas, El,’ she says again, and then lets out a small ‘oof’ as he wraps her tightly in his arms, one hand on her back while the other rests on her neck, drawing her in close.

‘Merry Christmas, Liv,’ he says. It’s been more than a decade since he’s been able to say those words properly to her, since he’s hugged her in celebration of the festive season, and his mind goes back to that final time in the precinct, where they hugged so closely. He had already felt a certain way towards her then; it’s something he can admit to himself now, all these years later.

Eventually, Olivia pulls away, her eyes searching his face for a moment, before she steps inside the flat again, one hand sliding down and taking his hand, leading him inside after her. Unlike last time he was here, her home now is filled with tiny strands of Christmas lights, and in the corner of the room stands a middle-sized tree, branches heavy in decorations. It’s not something the Olivia of years ago had ever done, and he feels happy at the fact she has finally been able to build Christmas traditions with her son.

‘I hope friends are content with a mug of coffee,’ she says softly, watching as he toes off his shoes and hangs his coat on a hook. ‘I’m not breaking out the wine at this hour of the night.’

‘Coffee is perfect,’ Elliot tells her, and makes a vow to himself not to go on the usual ‘coffee was better in Italy’ rant that he finds himself doing now he’s living back in New York. No-one wants to hear it, apparently.

Olivia is quick at making them both a cup, and he hovers awkwardly in the middle of her living room until she’s returned and directs him towards the couch. They sit side by side, close enough that their knees brush.

‘I brought you something,’ he says, breaking the silence that had fallen naturally around them. He puts his hand in his pocket, bringing out the small package that he had spent hours agonizing over just a couple of days before and placing it in her hands.

It’s then that he sees it.

Up on the windowsill stands the small tree from all those years ago, which had once lived in a drawer in her precinct desk. His breath catches in his throat, as he notices the ornaments hanging from its slightly crooked fake branches…the glass ornaments Olivia herself had bought, his small pine cone Santa, the wooden reindeer…the wooden snowman he had given her as a promise for Christmases to come.

‘El,’ Olivia breathes beside him, pulling off the wrapping paper and holding his present in her hand. The glass snowflake glitters as she holds it up to the light for a moment.

‘I’m sorry it’s so late,’ he says, turning his attention back to her. ‘I…I’m sorry, Liv.’

She says nothing, instead standing slowly and walking over to their tree, where she hangs it carefully at the front, where it can easily be seen. She returns to sit by his side, her fingers seeking out his, until they are holding hands tightly, both staring ahead at the snowflake.

He wants to kiss her, but knows he cannot…not right now. It’s too soon, and she has already asked for them to be friends. ‘For now’ echoes in his head - they need to be friends for now.

Olivia stays quiet for a moment longer, and then clears her throat slightly, letting go of his hand and twisting around to face him properly on the couch.

‘So, Grandpa Stabler, huh?’ she asks with a smirk, and he accepts her decision to move the conversation on.

‘You’re not so much younger than me,’ he says, pointing a finger at her rather pleased expression. She raises an eyebrow at his daring to bring up her age.

‘My son is almost the same age as your grandchildren,’ she argues. ‘I won’t be a grandparent for years yet.’

Her expression and tone are so close to how he had always imagined her teasing him about being a grandparent, that he almost chokes up from the familiarity. It’s something he never thought he would have again.

He takes a sip of coffee to hide the fact that he’s being far too emotional about discussions of grandchildren. The taste is surprisingly familiar, hinting at something nostalgic from years gone by.

December 2022

The chaotic noise is almost overwhelming for Olivia.

It’s not even that different from the previous year - a household full of Stablers, Stabler-Murphys, girlfriends - even for Dickie, this time - and of course Noah and herself.

And yet, the energy is understandably different, with everyone clearly more excited and eager to embrace celebrations to their fullest rather than the underlying pain and sadness being felt last year. On top of that, it’s actually Christmas day rather than the weekend before, adding pressure to make sure everything goes smoothly and no tradition is left overturned.

The real reason she’s trying to dampen down feelings of anxiety however, is because it’s also the first Christmas where she and Elliot are a couple, and she’s unsure of her place in all of this Christmas chaos.

It’s not as if it’s a secret; everyone knows, and had varying reactions, although gratifyingly most had been along the positive scale. Even the slight issues that had arisen - mostly with Eli struggling to accept not only her place in all of this, but also his own - had been short-lived. Overall, it had been easier than expected to slot into their family, perhaps because she had always been orbiting the Stablers for years already.

She’s also pleased to see that Noah’s friendship with Seamus and Kieran has continued to grow thanks to the play dates they’ve organized throughout recent months, with Noah seemingly unbothered by them being a couple of years younger than himself. At least she doesn’t have to worry about her son being accepted into the family for Christmas - he’s already at play a couple of seconds after they’ve entered the house, being overseen by Eli also, who is surprisingly good with him too.

‘You alright?’ Elliot asks, coming to stand next to her and sliding an arm around her waist. He leans in to kiss her temple, fingers tightening on her hip at the same time.

‘Fine, El,’ she tells him softly, despite it being rather obvious that she had been hovering awkwardly in the living room doorway for the last few minutes, watching the children play. She almost tells him her concerns, her questions over what role she should be playing under his roof and around his children at this time of year, of what expectations everyone has of her, but hesitates when she looks up into his peaceful expression. He’s so happy to have them all here, and she doesn’t want to ruin the moment with her anxiety.

‘Liv, thank goodness!’ Maureen bursts into the hallway, a slightly smoky cloud billowing behind her as the door to the kitchen swings closed again. ‘I was hoping you could help me with the cooking a bit…I don’t know half the recipes and dad is useless at this.’

Elliot shrugs, his shoulder brushing against hers as he leaves his arm tight on her waist.

‘What can I say…I’m great at pasta and pizza, but not much else,’ he says cheerfully. Maureen rolls her eyes at him.

‘Yes, and Grandma B only has skills with dessert baking, and Kathleen has the ability to set the kitchen on fire just by looking at it.’

Maureen turns pleading eyes towards Olivia.

‘I can’t promise I’ll be much better,’ Olivia says, stepping away from Elliot’s embrace towards his harried-looking eldest daughter. ‘But I can certainly try.’

‘Don’t let her modesty fool you,’ Elliot calls after them. ‘From an empty fridge and take out menus to now, she’s turned into quite a chef.’

Olivia manages to help Maureen and Dickie rescue Christmas dinner, and she’s barely taken a step out of the kitchen for a break, before Kathleen is cornering her instead.

‘Liv, we have Noah’s presents hidden in the office,’ she says, voice low to avoid being overheard. ‘But I wasn’t sure what your traditions are with him. Do you want them under the tree?’

Olivia’s surprised that they’ve bought Noah more presents anyway, but she nods. They’ve done ‘Santa’s’ presents already this morning, so gifts from others are fine to be placed under the tree.

‘Great!’ Kathleen says, and hurries away again.

‘Olivia dear, come and have a glass of wine,’ Bernie calls, wandering out of the living room to herd Olivia back in with her. ‘Here, come sit next to me.’

‘Wait, wait, wait,’ Lizzie says, hooking her own arm around Olivia’s instead and gesturing for Bernie to move away. ‘I need to talk to Liv in private for a few minutes.’

Olivia finds herself being led out of the room again, and down to the office instead.

‘I was hoping to get your opinion on something,’ Lizzie tells her, and the girl has a rather nervous energy about her. ‘I showed it to dad, but he’s not very helpful at this sort of thing, and Katie and Mo have completely opposing opinions on how I should go about it.’

She pulls a box out of her pocket, and thrusts it towards Olivia, flipping open the lid as she does. A beautiful diamond ring shines brightly from within.

‘I want to ask Sofia to marry me today,’ she says breathlessly. ‘But I’m not sure whether I should do it in front of the whole family, like Mo thinks, or late tonight when we have complete privacy, like Katie thinks. And then…maybe I should be waiting until next week, when we’re visiting her own family, because what if she’s upset that I do it here rather than there?’

She pauses for a moment, inhaling deeply, and Olivia can sense the stress radiating from her. She takes the opportunity to grasp onto Lizzie’s hands with one of hers, while she picks up the ring box with the other.

‘Firstly, the ring looks beautiful,’ she says with a smile. ‘Sofia will love it. And secondly…it’s whatever feels right for the two of you. But if you’re really worried about how to balance it all, maybe you can take her out onto the patio and ask her in private at some point during the evening? With the lights, it can be quite romantic. You could video call her family afterwards so they feel included, and then come inside to celebrate with the rest of us.’

‘Liv, that’s a great idea!’ Lizzie exclaims in relief, pulling Olivia into a long hug.

‘There you are,’ Elliot’s voice comes from behind them, as he pushes open the office door. ‘Can I have Olivia back yet? You children keep stealing her from me.’

‘All yours, dad!’ Lizzie says, stepping back and shooting Olivia another smile. ‘Thanks again, Liv!’

‘I see you’re rather popular today,’ Elliot says once she’s gone. He slides his hands onto either side of her neck, tugging her forwards until his lips press firmly against hers, and she relaxes into his embrace as they steal a moment for themselves.

Later, Olivia sits on the couch, watching everyone celebrate Christmas and gifts, and a new engagement. She’s tucked into Elliot’s side, his arm around her shoulders while her head rests on his chest, feeling tired after a long day, yet truly content. Noah, Seamus and Kieran are practically napping on a pile of cushions on the floor, while Bernie has already fallen asleep in a nearby armchair. The excitement of the day is just calming down, when it strikes her.

All those years as a child, dreaming of a Christmas full of family and friends and tradition, and she finally has all she could ever hope for. She has her squad, an odd family formed through hardship and love and having each other’s backs. She has her son, the other member of the Benson duo that has faced the world together for so many years. And now she has Elliot back by her side, followed by an entire crowd of Stablers who have welcomed her and Noah with open arms.

‘Alright?’ Elliot asks softly, and she burrows deeper into his embrace.

‘Perfect,’ she whispers.

December 2023

‘El,’ comes a voice from far away, and Elliot groans slightly, turning his face into his pillow in an attempt to avoid waking up. Years ago, he would have been up in an instant, rolling out of bed for whatever case required his attention, but nowadays he is content to have a slightly slower pace in life.

‘Elliot!’ the voice comes again, this time with an accompanying hand brushing over the back of his head. He grunts in response, without moving.

‘I’m naked and you’re missing the view,’ Olivia says, amusement in her voice as his eyes fly open and he turns over in bed to find her fully dressed and leaning over him in the dark.

‘A cruel lie,’ he croaks out, one hand coming up to reach around the back of her neck and draw her closer. She willingly comes in for the kiss, lingering for a moment before pulling back a bit, hands resting on the mattress on either side of his head as she peers down.

‘Fin called. I have to go into the station for a few hours,’ she says softly, eyes meeting his in an apologetic way. She’s been busy with a serious case involving a serial killer, and he knows the entire squad has been struggling to deal with it all - he can’t judge or begrudge her need to continue to push the team and case forwards.

‘Don’t worry,’ he replies, his fingers sliding from her neck to trail down her cheek. ‘I’ll keep the boys occupied until you get back…we won’t open the presents without you.’

She darts forward for one last kiss before standing upright properly.

‘I’ll try to be back as soon as I can,’ she promises, and then grabs her bag, heading towards their bedroom door. Just as she’s about to pull it shut behind her, he calls out to her again.

‘Hey, be careful,’ he tells her, and she looks at him, the light from the hallway filtering through behind her and leaving her face almost in the shadows.

‘Will do,’ she tells him. ‘Love you.’

‘Love you too,’ he says, still feeling slightly in awe at how easily she shares those words with him now, after months of stumbling over communicating her feelings. As soon as she’s gone, he relaxes properly, not bothering to look at the clock, and manages to drift back to sleep, catching as many minutes as possible before he is disturbed by another natural alarm.

Sure enough, some unknown time later, yet another voice interrupts his dreams, this time accompanied by a tiny hand shaking his shoulder.

‘Elllliot,’ Noah says, his voice loud and excited. ‘Elllll! It’s Christmaaas. Where’s mom?’

Elliot manages to pull himself upright, rubbing a hand over his face before he looks at both 0f their boys. Noah is by the bed, eagerly bouncing on his toes, while Eli leans on the door frame, his arms crossed in an attempt to appear casual, although Elliot knows his son well enough to tell he’s almost as excited as Noah.

‘Sorry bud, your mom had to go to the station for a few hours,’ he says, swinging his legs out the side of the bed and resting his elbows on his knees for a moment. ‘Why don’t I make breakfast for us all while we wait for her?’

Noah sighs for a moment, and then perks up again.

‘Pancakes?’ he asks, his gaze calculating as if he knows Elliot will say yes to anything this morning, thanks to it being Christmas as well as because Olivia isn’t there.

‘Sure,’ Elliot agrees amicably. ‘Eli, good with that?’

‘Yeah,’ the boy says, shrugging slightly. ‘We can help make the batter if you want.’

Noah at this point has clambered up onto the bed beside Elliot, sitting next to him as if in imitation, elbows on knees and swinging his legs back and forth.

‘We’ll have to wait for mom to come back before we open presents,’ he tells Elliot and Eli sagely, as if they could think otherwise. ‘She can’t miss that. But there’s another tradition we gotta do this morning.’

Apparently, this tradition is baking and decorating gingerbread cookies on Christmas morning. So as soon as they’ve all downed a large stack of pancakes each, and the boys are clearly running on a bit of a sugar high, Elliot locates the recipe in the book Noah indicates. He calls out the list of ingredients, having Eli and Noah rummage through the cupboards for everything required, and soon they have a whole production line underway.

How hard can baking cookies be, Elliot reflects.

The answer is: harder than he anticipated, at least for someone whose cooking skills have expanded at least beyond pizza and pasta, but never fully into baking territory. Finally though, there are large piles of cookies cooling on the racks, despite the kitchen looking slightly as if a flour tornado has hit, with mixing bowls stacked high in the sink behind them.

‘We gotta decorate them too!’ Noah directs, as he has been doing all morning. Elliot also gets dragged into decorating, and it makes him flash back to a time many years ago, when he had tried to help Maureen decorate her cookies, if only to ensure extras were made for a certain partner of his.

Elliot is putting some flourishing touches to his fifth reindeer-shaped cookie - although it looks now more like an abstract painting - when Olivia pops her head into the kitchen, her eyes going wide when she takes in the chaos surrounding them.

‘I leave you for a few hours…’ she begins, and then Noah is scrambling off his chair, flinging himself towards her arms.

‘Mom! Merry Christmas! Do you like our cookies? Did you catch the bad guy? Can we do presents now?’

Olivia laughs at the barrage of questions coming her way, bending down to give her son a proper hug.

‘Merry Christmas,’ she says, kissing him gently on his cheek. ‘Yes, everything smells delicious. Yes, we caught the bad guy. And yes, we can do presents. Just let me get changed out of my work clothes.’

Noah stays in her embrace for a few more seconds, before excitement wins out, and he pulls away to run towards the living room.

‘Come on, Eli! Let’s get ready!’ he calls, and Eli smiles at his enthusiasm, always willing to follow Noah’s ideas. Elliot’s proud at how much Eli has grown in the last year, setting aside his issues and sharing his concerns with the adults in his life instead of burying them in unhealthy habits. He seems to enjoy being an older brother to someone also, rather than being the baby in the family, and years of playing with his nephews have made him great with children.

‘Merry Christmas, Liv,’ Eli says, coming around to give her a quick hug before following Noah into the living room. Olivia watches them both for a moment, before turning back to Elliot with her eyebrows raised.

‘In our defense, your son said it was a tradition we had to do,’ Elliot says innocently, his hands up.

‘I’d judge, but I’m pretty sure the kitchen looked like this the first time I tried to make them also,’ Olivia replies, before she’s leaning across the table to look at the cookies. He can see her eyes scanning the plates for a minute, and then she lets out a deep chuckle.

‘What?’ he asks, hands on hips in a dramatic fashion. ‘Our cookie skills not up to Chef Benson’s standards?’

‘I was just thinking, your decorating abilities haven’t improved in twenty years,’ she turns a brilliant grin towards him, and in the next moment, he’s pulling her into his arms for a deep kiss.

‘What was that for?’ she asks breathlessly, looking up at him with a warm expression.

‘I wanted to do that twenty years ago,’ he tells her sincerely. ‘Now, go get dressed into something more comfortable while I clean the kitchen, and then we can go let two very patient young boys open their presents.’

December 2024

They’re in the midst of decorating the house when Noah lets it slip out.

Eli is helping Olivia hang up Christmas lights around the room; she’s not a short woman by any means, but in bare feet she’s now easily much shorter than he is, and so his long arms are making the whole process go much faster. Elliot meanwhile is decorating the tree, placing whatever ornament Noah hands him higher up, while Noah himself decorates the lower branches.

‘Hey dad, can you put this near the front of the tree?’ he says casually, handing up a glittering glass bauble, and then falls silent, his mouth hanging open in surprise over what he just said. The room pauses for a moment, as everyone registers, and Elliot is the first to recover, taking the bauble from Noah’s hands gently.

‘Sure,’ he says easily. ‘Here alright?’

But Noah is up and out of the room before he finishes speaking, and Olivia can only take a step forward before she hears his bedroom door slam shut.

‘I knew you wanted to work your way up to a baseball team of kids,’ Eli says, but when Olivia turns to him, she’s relieved to see him smiling at his dad, unperturbed by the label Noah had assigned Elliot in his own life.

‘Hah hah, Eli,’ Elliot says, stepping away from the tree and meeting Olivia’s eyes with a worried frown. They don’t require words, with an understanding passing between them before they are both heading down the corridor towards Noah’s room. When they reach the door, Elliot rests a hand on her arm.

‘Let me?’ he asks, and Olivia can only nod as she watches him knock gently on the door.

‘Noah, it’s Elliot and your mom. Can we come in?’

There’s silence for a minute, and then a rustle as Noah moves to the door, reluctantly swinging it open before retreating back to his bed.

Olivia represses the urge to barge into the room first, to ensure her son is alright. Instead, she hangs back, allowing Elliot to enter before her, where he crouches in front of Noah so they can look into each other’s faces properly. Even after dating each other for so long, it feels strange sometimes to share parenting responsibilities of Noah with another person; it had been just the two of them for so long after all. But Elliot is a great parent himself, and she trusts him not to break her son’s heart.

‘Hey Noah, you know you don’t have to be ashamed or worried about calling me ‘dad’ if you want,’ Elliot says, his voice low and calm as he reaches out a hand to rest on Noah’s knee. Her son’s arms slowly uncross, as he searches Elliot’s expression to make sure he’s being truthful.

‘You don’t mind?’ he asks quietly, hanging his head, and Olivia’s heart almost breaks at his uncertainty.

‘I’d be honored if you want to call me that,’ Elliot reassures him. ‘You don’t have to feel pressured to do so either, you know. But if you want to, I’d be more than happy to be your father. I already think of you as my son.’

Noah hesitates for a moment, before leaning forward abruptly to wrap his arms around Elliot.

‘Thanks…dad,’ he says, voice muffled as he buries his face into Elliot’s shoulders. Elliot just holds him tighter, until Noah tumbles off the bed by mistake, and then both are laughing as they fall backwards into a heap on the floor.

‘Alright, let’s get back to the hard work of tree decorating,’ Elliot announces, hauling himself upright and grasping both of Noah’s hands to pull him up also.

‘Aye, sir!’ Noah jumps to attention, then races out of his room back towards Eli and the tree.

Elliot comes to stand before her, looking down into her face for a moment with a soft smile.

‘Getting a bit emotional there, Captain?’ he teases. Olivia shakes her head.

‘No,’ she lies, and if the shine in her eyes doesn’t betray her, then the slight sniffling sound she makes surely gives her away. She pushes gently against his chest to distract him. ‘Now go finish up decorating with your sons.’

Elliot swoops in for a kiss before he does exactly that, helping Noah hang the rest of the ornaments on their real tree, before setting up the small tree for the windowsill. Eli has gotten helplessly tangled with the lights in the meantime, and Olivia goes to rescue him.

Much later in the evening, she manages to rope Eli into helping her prepare hot chocolate in the kitchen, just the two of them, while Noah and Elliot collect up a pile of blankets for watching a movie.

After a moment of comfortable silence, she clears her throat slightly.

‘Are you alright with Noah calling El ‘dad’ too?’ she questions. She’s not sure what she’ll do if Eli does have an issue with it, but she knows enough to be certain he deserves to be asked anyway.

‘Of course,’ Eli says, so focused on piling up the marshmallows in each mug that he doesn’t even glance her way. ‘He calls me his brother already, you know. And I…I’m learning to call him that too. I enjoy being an older sibling.’

Relief washes over her, and she can’t help but lean in and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Being a teenage boy, he wrinkles his nose slightly, but doesn’t complain otherwise.

There is another brief pause in the conversation, and then he’s looking over at her, a hesitant expression on his face.

‘I hope you don’t mind that I won’t call you ‘mom’...’ he trails off. ‘It’s just…’

‘Eli, I consider you as a son to me,’ Olivia interrupts, not needing him to struggle through finishing that sentence. ‘But I’ll never aim to replace your mother in your life, and that is perfectly alright.’

‘Cool,’ Eli nods, and it’s casual but she can tell he isn’t quite finished on the topic. They continue to heat the hot chocolate while she waits patiently.

‘I do love you though,’ he says in a rush, just as she’s pouring it into the last mug, and then a red flush spreads across his cheeks in embarrassment. Olivia grins at him brightly.

‘I love you too, Eli.’

December 2025

There’s something secretive going on in the household, Elliot is sure. Olivia, Noah and Eli have been conspiring in some way, with Olivia receiving a couple of phone calls that made her leave the room so as to not be overheard, and twice now he’s stumbled into the living room to find the three of them mid-conversation, only for them all to fall silent.

‘Should I be worried?’ he jokes the second time, looking at their faces one by one. Olivia manages to keep a completely straight expression; he expected nothing less from her thanks to years of dealing with perps in the interrogation room. Eli has a nonchalant air, but his eyes give away his slightly guilty attitude. Noah doesn’t even try to hide it, beaming at Elliot for a second before trying and failing to school his face into something more serious.

‘Nope,’ he chirrups, and then scurries away.

‘Yeah dad, we were just telling Liv where she should hide the body if you fail at helping out this year with Christmas dinner,’ Eli tells him, patting him on the arm as he wanders out the room also.

‘Well I know that’s a lie,’ Elliot tells Olivia when they are the last two left, raising his eyebrow. ‘I’m sure you’ve had a plan for years about where you’d dispose of my body if needed.’

‘I’m not sure our boys would hold up well under interrogation either,’ she agrees. ‘I’d call Fin to help, anyway.’

Elliot rolls his eyes, reaching out to grasp onto her wrists and bring her closer.

‘Should I start planning my escape route?’ he murmurs against her lips, and can feel her smile brush his skin.

‘You’re safe for now, Detective,’ she tells him, and then pulls him the final distance so they can kiss.

It’s successful enough at distracting him that he completely forgets what they were talking about in the first place, as he allows his mind to be consumed by the feel of her body under his hands, and the movement of her tongue against his.

It isn’t until Christmas morning that it flashes up again in his memory, and he registers that it might have been about a gift for himself. The presents have all been opened, but instead of moving on, Olivia and Eli direct him towards the armchair, choosing to sit on the couch next to each other instead, both staring at him with twin expressions of anticipation. At the same time, Noah runs from the room with a quick ‘stay there!’ shouted over his shoulder.

Elliot waits patiently for all of five seconds, before he is casting a suspicious glance over at Olivia and his son.

‘Don’t worry, El,’ Olivia tells him softly. ‘Noah just has a final present he wants to give you.’

Noah skids back into the room at that moment, clutching a large brown envelope.

‘Here you are, dad!’ he says, thrusting it towards Elliot. ‘A present from us…well, from me.’

Elliot takes it carefully from Noah, squeezing at the envelope slightly. It feels like a pile of papers, which is not exactly the type of present he’d expect from Noah, but that just makes him more intrigued by what lies inside.

He slides his thumb under the envelope flap, opening it slowly and pulling out the papers within. On the top of the stack lies a note in Noah’s handwriting.

‘Dear dad,’ he reads. ‘I wanted to write you a letter to say that I’m really happy you are now my dad. You make mom super happy too, more than I ever remember seeing her before. I love when you come to watch my dance performances. And it was really awesome when you shouted at my teacher because they wouldn’t help with those kids that were trying to bully me.’

Elliot feels his eyes begin to mist up slightly when he realizes how much Noah seems to appreciate him being in their lives, but he blinks rapidly so he can continue reading.

‘I never had a dad before you arrived, it was just me and mom against the world. She’s an awesome mom, but I like having more people on our team too. Plus, you brought Eli too, and he’s a cool older brother, especially when he lets me play video games with him.

I know you said I could always call you ‘dad’ and you saw me as a son. But I was wondering if you would make it official too?

Love, Noah’

Elliot looks up, slightly confused, before Olivia nods towards the rest of the papers in his hand.

‘Turn it over, El,’ she says, while Noah shuffles slightly in front of him.

‘I love being your dad too,’ he reassures the boy, as he moves the note aside to see what else has been given to him.

In his hands is the paperwork for an adoption process.

For a moment, he is speechless, staring at the black, typed words that his eyes are seeing but his brain failing to compute. Then he reaches out, wrapping his arm around Noah’s shoulders and drawing the boy in for an embrace.

‘I would be honored, Noah,’ he says, sliding off the armchair to his knees so they can hug more fully. He can feel small arms go around his neck, and they hold each other for a minute before one of Noah’s hands lets go and gestures behind him. A second later, Eli is jumping into the embrace also.

‘Group hug!’ Noah says, knocking his forehead against Eli’s slightly. ‘Come on mom!’

Olivia slowly kneels down to join them, and Elliot can feel her fingers rubbing against his back gently.

An hour later, Elliot is still not over the request. The boys have finally gone to play with their new presents - or mostly, to play Eli’s newest video game together - and Olivia has started tidying up the living room in preparation for the household of guests they’ll be receiving later. But even though he’s supposed to be starting the Christmas dinner preparation, he’s standing in the kitchen silently, staring down at the papers clutched in his hand, his eyes slightly watering from the emotions.

‘This room sounds suspiciously quiet,’ Olivia says, breaking his reflective thoughts. ‘Hey, are you doing alright?’

‘I’m perfect, Liv,’ he assures her. ‘Just slightly overwhelmed…I never thought we’d be here, all these years later, and sharing kids.’

She laughs, and his heart stutters slightly at the smile that shines toward him; all these years later, and he’s still not used to her looking at him that way.

‘We’ve been sharing kids for a while, Stabler,’ she tells him, gently pulling the paperwork out of his hand and placing it safely away from the kitchen workspace. ‘I’m afraid you’re stuck with us forever now.’

‘And you’re fine with this, right?’ he checks with her, suddenly wondering. ‘You’ve been Noah’s only parent for his whole life.’

Olivia steps closer again, and he slides his arms around her waist automatically, resting his forehead against hers.

‘I never thought I’d be this happy in life, El,’ she whispers softly. ‘So kiss me quickly, because then I expect you to start cooking in preparation for the rest of our family arriving…or I really will need to call Fin for-’

He cuts her off, lips pressing harshly against hers, fingers tugging at her hair as his tongue invades her mouth.

They’re still having to finalize the cooking when the rest of their family begins to arrive, but the delay was worth it, and Olivia certainly has nothing to complain about. Anyway, it doesn’t matter - their sons can help set the table to speed the process along.