Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Just when Isa thought Even’s maniacal laughter and cry of agony was the worst thing he’d ever heard, they heard Ienzo’s voice. They just knew it was him. Isa felt it in the way Lea froze like a statue next to him and his own blood turned ice cold. They’d never heard the kid speak, but there was no mistaking the tiny moan and ragdoll thump escaping the lab as he must have crumbled to the floor. Isa felt Lea’s shaking fingers brush his. They grabbed each other’s hand and took off.

Their escape came to an abrupt stop when Lea pushed him into a corner, out of Captain Braig’s way. He saw them, Isa was sure of it. But he only cast them a weird, thoughtful look before striding ahead to the lab which had gone eerily quiet. They should have run. They did not. They stood there, pressed into each other against the wall, breathing heavily while trying to be quiet; Lea’s distress was making Isa way too anxious. He needed to be able to think. They needed to know what was going on. Deep down Isa hoped against hope that Captain Braig would somehow sort things out. Catch the bad guy.

“What’s going on?” Captain Braig’s voice echoed through the hallways.

“Isa, I’m scared…”

Lea was crying. He had tears in his eyes and only managed to repress his sobs because he thought their lives depended on it. He was clutching Isa’s arms painfully.

“I don’t wanna die.”

It broke Isa’s heart—the silent whisper, the desperate plea—he’d never let anyone hurt Lea.

“Hey! Is this how you wanted it? Xehanort! You wanna fill me in?”

Isa closed his eyes and strained his ears, holding Lea close to keep him from bolting. His forehead pressed into his friend’s. He could almost taste the sweet yet salty smell of the tear-streaked skin. He struggled to keep his own breath under control.

“Keep quiet,” he whispered.

“Hey! Do you remember now, or... Wait, did you never lose your memory?”

They both jumped when Braig was—ripped apart? What was Xehanort doing to everyone? The strangled sounds seemed to go on forever. Lea couldn’t hold back a sob anymore. Isa reacted immediately, feeling Lea freeze in his arms, as he covered it up.

“Shh,” Isa said, pulling back. “Stay quiet. It’s going to be okay.”

Lea shook his head, eyes wide. Isa looked away, unconsciously nibbling at the salty taste on his lips; Lea had pushed them into one of the security camera’s blindspots, so as long as Xehanort could see the monitors, they should stay put.

Would they be able to make it out, though? Shadows had already started to pour all around Radiant Garden. The heartless were in the streets; the whole world was going to be affected, Isa could feel it. If they managed to get out of the castle, where would they go? The terrifying calm started to wash over him. There was no way out.

Lea’s arms suddenly around his neck brought him back; Lea’s tear-soaked face against his chin; his rising chest against Isa’s… Isa took a deep breath and pushed him gently yet firmly away; he cupped his cheeks in both hands and looked into his emerald eyes, hoping to convey reassurances. He really loved Lea. So he kissed him.

He felt Lea kiss him back, hesitantly, but Isa knew Lea loved him, too. Lea always wanted more from him. Isa was never surer.

“Do you trust me?” he asked under his breath, breaking the kiss.

Lea nodded. Isa waited until Lea opened his eyes and looked at him; he nodded, determined.

“We’re not running,” he said, holding Lea still as the red-head’s whole body screamed you’re insane. “We’re not.” He said again. “He’ll catch us and kill us, you know that.”

“Isa…”

“I know what I’m doing. Remember how we got in? Just follow my lead. It’ll be okay.”

Lea stared at him with wide-eyed panic, but he blindly followed when Isa pulled him by the hand, back towards the lab; and Isa almost couldn’t see where he was going as he let go of that hand and hoped Lea’s footsteps would keep following him.

Lea stopped when they reached the doorway. Isa turned to look at him one last time, bottling up all of his emotions, and entered the lab.

***

When Isa’s hand left his, Lea thought part of him was dying already. He rubbed at his tears, following the footsteps of his best friend, committing his straight back and soft, determined chin to memory. He was terrified, he couldn’t deny it, every instinct in him screaming to run away; but he couldn’t go without Isa. He had to trust Isa.

When Isa stepped in to the harsh light spilling from the doorway, Lea stopped. It felt final. Isa turned to look at him for a long moment; Lea saw the scary determination settle in his eyes. Then Isa took the last step into the lab and Lea followed.

Braig’s body was disintegrating under Xehanort’s mildly curious gaze. There was no trace of the others. Lea didn’t know whether to be even more scared, or relieved. He didn’t care about Braig. He just didn’t want the same to happen to him. He stood a step behind Isa, itching to grab him and go.

Xehanort looked at them. His eyes bore into Lea’s for a second, then moved back to Isa with something like intrigue, and amusement.

“Master,” Isa said, so poised it sent a chill down Lea’s spine. What the fuck?

Xehanort nodded for him to go on, with a small smile on his lips.

“Is this the experiment you mentioned the other day?”

“Indeed,” Xehanort answered. “Your fellow apprentices volunteered for the honour of testing our hypothesis.”

“Was it successful?”

Xehanort chuckled.

“Have I given you reason to doubt me?”

Isa shook his head. He stepped forward. Lea held his breath.

“What’s going to happen to us?” Isa asked, still in this inhumanly even voice. How in the world could he sound so detached?

“You will be reborn by my side. This is just the beginning of the journey.”

“I want to be a part of this. And Lea, too.”

Once again, Xehanort’s gaze flicked to Lea’s and Lea struggled to keep his composure. Trust Isa, whatever Isa said or did. Just follow his lead.

“Very well.”

Lea’s eyes widened as Xehanort held out his hand and summoned a weapon like barbed wire made into a blade, with a piercing blue eye that stared right at his friend.

“Come,” Xehanort summoned.

Isa went. Without a glance to Lea or a trace of hesitation. Perfectly subservient. Lea wanted to cry again.

It happened fast. One second, Isa was still there, his back to Lea, familiar and grounding, the next the blade had stabbed him in the chest, releasing a blinding light and Isa fell to his knees, then forward, Xehanort barely looking down as the boy lay at his feet. He turned to Lea instead, gauging his reaction.

Lea couldn’t move, forced himself not to look at Isa’s lifeless body again—it was burned into his memory anyway. He was the only one left. He didn’t want to see Isa disintegrate.

“You wish to join our ranks, too. Into the new world?” Xehanort asked, stepping over Isa to approach him.

“Yes,” Lea said, probably much less convincingly than Isa, but with a defiance he at least knew was his. He couldn’t bring himself to say “Master.” He’d never. It was all for Isa.

Xehanort laughed, openly, with a smirk and a glint in his eyes he hadn’t shown Isa. A fire similar to Even’s unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

“Will your bond survive the strain, I wonder…”

And then there was unbearable pain.

Chapter Text

***

Earlier, during a summer vacation…

***

Lea tried to finish his math exercise before looking up again—tried, and failed. He didn’t see the point. He knew he could do it. Writing it out was just a waste of precious summer time.

But Isa was reading anyway, dead set on doing his part, and the quicker he finished, the faster Lea could maybe convince him to do something else.

He didn’t dislike homework per se, however uninteresting. He even liked doing it with Isa—the peace and quiet of Lea’s room, the occasional sound of Isa’s sighs and the rustling of paper as he turned a page, and then another. Lea didn’t like his room very much, or his house as a whole, but he liked how, with Isa in it, it felt like they really owned the place, left to their own devices, flaunting their secrets in a way nobody else could see. Isa was sitting straight against his bed with his head slightly cocked to the side, his legs thrown out on the crappy carpet, crossed at the ankles, the sun casting geometrical shapes of light through the blinds around his body…

Lea squirmed a little, sprawled on his front, a few feet away from him. He didn’t dislike these moments, really, but there’d been a nagging feeling in his gut for months, and it kept intensifying, day after day, making the experience tense and uncomfortable. He felt like he had to say something; he’d been trying all summer—bumping into Isa to hang on his arm, flitting around him to capture every second of his attention, throwing his arm around his shoulders… and letting go, because it made Isa uncomfortable. Isa smiled to him, though, even when he complained about Lea being clingy. He’d bump his shoulder into Lea’s just once, when it was inconspicuous. He never complained right away when they had ice cream and Lea would slouch and sprawl so widely, his knee would rest on Isa’s leg for minutes.

Isa’s head so close to his bed covers was giving Lea distracting ideas; like what if the blue hair rubbed against his sheets—would it make sparks? Would Isa want to lay down with him? Lea wasn’t sure he could actually handle lying next to Isa to read the same textbook. He felt so agitated already.

“You alright?” Isa asked, snapping Lea out of his daydreaming.

“Wha—yeah. Yes. ‘course.”

He looked down to his lines of numbers and x’s to solve, feeling his neck burning. He chanced a look up and Isa was still watching him.

“It’s nothing. Let me finish my math.”

He crumpled and threw a ball of paper at him for good measure.

“Gimme a break, Lea…”

They settled into the comfortable-uncomfortable silence once more. Lea finished his homework in record speed, he thought. And no way he was letting Isa copy it right now.

“Alright. I’m all set.”

“Wow,” Isa deadpanned. “You sure?”

He did look genuinely impressed and not as doubtful as he pretended to be, which always pleased Lea to no end. People always assumed he was stupid. Isa knew better.

“Are you done with your part?” No way Lea was going to go through their entire reading list. Good thing Isa liked to write recaps and make flashcards and tell him all about the things he read, to better memorise it. They were the best school partners.

“No. But I can take a break,” Isa said, marking the page and setting the book aside.

“Awesome!”

Lea sprang up on all fours and gave him what he hoped was a dazzling grin. Isa took him in with a side-glance and lopsided twist of his mouth, which Lea knew was a smile.

“What do you wanna do?” Isa asked.

What did Lea wanna do… He sighed and settled down cross-legged, scratching his head. He didn’t plan ahead of wanting to sit near Isa and soak up his warmth—although, admittedly, Lea was the furnace out of the two. Oh well… he’d figure it out.

He crawled over and plopped down next to his friend’s legs, facing him, hugging his knees to his chest. Isa stared at him quizzically, so Lea pretended to be deep in thought. He bit his lip and looked at the ceiling in exaggerated thoughtfulness.

“Hmm. Dunno. You?” He rested his chin in his hand and drank in the sight of his friend’s face, wonderfully close and open.

Isa was usually more relaxed after reading than he ever was outside, where there were people to deal with and unwanted stimuli. (Yes, Lea does know that word. He’s got a great memory.) Lea liked his little frown better than his outside-world scowl.

Lea remembered one time, a year ago, maybe more, when he’d said, “Hey, Isa. Let’s kiss and see what all the fuss is about!” But Isa had stared at him like he’d gone mad—“Why would I do that?”

But maybe, just maybe, if Lea tried again. Maybe Isa would let him? This wasn’t some kind of dumb experiment. He really wanted to.

“Hey, Isa…” Lea said, clearing his throat, as Isa didn’t answer his question or move away.

“What.”

“Is it okay if I try something?” Lea asked, nervously fiddling with his shorts, otherwise he’d be nervously fiddling with the carpet threads, and that would look ridiculous. He couldn’t look at him. Sometimes Isa’s beautiful, ice blue gaze was also intimidating.

“Depends. What thing?”

Jeez, this was difficult. What if Isa pushed him away? Lea couldn’t handle it.

Mind-reeling, heart-racing, feeling like he was backtracking some, Lea asked, “Can we, uhm, lie on the bed? I could read with you…”

Isa blinked at him, making him feel stupid.

“I’m just sick of being on the floor,” Lea mumbled.

“Okay,” Isa said slowly, shifting to stand.

Lea released the breath he’d been holding. Crisis not completely averted, but at least he’d get to be close to Isa for a little while.

They lay side by side on the narrow bed, Isa pushing the pillow aside to open the book in front of them, all the while staring at Lea questioningly. Lea pretended he was acting perfectly normal, although nerves were eating him up. He could do this. Just read and enjoy being close to Isa at his most relaxed. Enjoy being the only person Isa let his guard down around, somewhat.

He was so caught up in his inner breakdown, it took him a little while to notice Isa hadn’t started reading at all, but was still watching him.

He was so close, their shoulders touching, their sides touching, their legs touching if either of them shifted just so. Their arms, their space. Lea looked back helplessly.

Isa’s gaze flitted down his face, briefly, then immediately back up. Lea gave him no time to escape—pushing up on his elbow and stealing the kiss he’d wanted forever. Isa’s breath caught in surprise. Lea let it linger for a second, as long as he dared, to commit it to memory, just in case it had been his one and only shot, then he pulled back and waited for Isa’s reaction. He’d gone for the corner of his mouth, not because he couldn’t aim, but because he really just wanted to say how much he cared about him, give Isa an out while he conveyed his affection, though he hoped Isa would not take the out… Or maybe he had just chickened out at the last second.

“Say something, Isa,” Lea croaked desperately.

Isa blinked and swallowed. “What?”

“I don’t know? Anything? Tell me how you feel? I’m dying here.”

“Oh. Uhm. Sorry…”

“Sorry?”

“Calm down. You’re freaking me out…”

Lea opened and closed his mouth, breathing heavily through his nose. Damn Isa’s beautiful, collected voice.

“I’m trying.”

Isa stared at him some more, then sighed.

“What do you want from me, Lea?”

Lea should have known how thoroughly unprepared he’d be—he had known, deep down. Hence the waiting and waiting and waiting some more. It wouldn’t have done anything to wait just a little extra more, would it have?

“I want to kiss you,” he admitted. “You’re more than a friend to me.”

There. He’d said it. Something tied up in his chest loosened a little, making it slightly easier to breathe. Unless Isa pushed him away. He really didn’t want to lose him.

“Okay,” Isa said, his face undecipherable.

“Okay?”

“Okay, you can kiss me, if you want to.”

Isa looked so sceptical and unsure, Lea wasn’t sure himself what that meant. Was that a good sign? Yes. He’d said yes.

“Okay,” Lea echoed with a hesitant smile.

“Just,” Isa started, touching his hand in a warning—touching his hand! “Tell me before you do?”

Lea’s heart melted in his chest. “Yeah. Okay, I will.”

“Thanks,” Isa finally gave him a small smile.

Lea looked on and on, pouting just a little when Isa pulled his hand away. Isa looked away, shaking his head in embarrassment. Then back—

“So, do you want to read, or do you want to kiss again?”

“Definitely kiss.”

Isa chuckled in disbelief.

“Do it then.”

“You do it,” Lea rejoined, grinning.

Isa looked startled for a second. But then he sighed and leaned towards Lea to kiss him full on the lips. Lea beamed, chasing the kiss when Isa pulled back.

“Hold on,” he said, shifting so that he could push the book away and grab the pillow to lie on his back comfortably. Nights of imagining this felt like a rehearsal. He knew exactly how he wanted it. He pulled Isa up to him, sliding down himself to the perfect level, only pausing to ask, “Is this okay?”

Isa shrugged.

Lea bit back the annoyed comment—trust Isa to be difficult in EVERY circumstance.

It took a bit of coaxing for Isa to understand Lea wanted him close, but after a few pecks that made Lea dizzy with want, he eventually unclasped his hands and brushed Lea’s cheek before planting his hand on the other side of the pillow for better leverage. The touches of lips on lips lingered. Tantalisingly slow. Lea thought first kisses were supposed to be sloppy and awkward, not… torturously perfect.

Pulling at Isa’s collar, he made him lie on his side next to him and tried to keep the same careful pace while pressing closer, dragging Isa’s arm around his waist. He may have moaned when he opened his lips just a bit more and the tip of his tongue touched Isa’s lower lip; Isa may have shivered at the sound.

“Sorry,” Lea panted.

“S’okay,” Isa whispered back.

Maybe it wasn’t entirely okay, because Isa’s hand on Lea’s waist was holding him firmly away from him, not pulling him in. Lea tried to catch his breath, desperately keeping the contact by nuzzling at Isa’s face, chanting wordless pleas in his mind.

Gently, Isa let go of his waist and cupped his face.

“Let me,” he whispered.

Holding Lea still, he captured his lips the same way Lea had tried to do, sucking gently, asking for full control. Lea whimpered, which made Isa tense up for a moment, but then he did it again, touching his tongue to Lea’s lips, nipping lightly, testing… something. Lea could only cling to the back of his jacket, try to keep his hips to himself, and hold back everything he wanted to say like “more” and “please” and “touch me everywhere”.

Just when he thought he would come, he instinctively curled up and broke the kiss, his leg tangling with Isa’s for a second before he decided that, nope, he had to get away. He shakily sat up and crawled awkwardly—theeeere it was—down the bed, over Isa who helpfully moved out of the way—NOW he picked up on cues?—and sprinted to the bathroom. He could still taste Isa on his lips, biting down to muffle a groan that would have been way to loud. Fuck. Okay. That had been way too intense. And why did he have to feel guilty? He hadn’t meant to get carried away. He hadn’t meant for it to feel that good—it had felt so good…

He drank and drowned his stupid burning face under the tap, then curled to the floor, his back sliding painfully against the cabinet under the sink. He felt a little ridiculous. He should have felt happy. He was happy, wasn’t he? He needed to check with Isa. Had he scared him away?

When he returned to his room, Isa was sitting across the bed, his back against the wall, hands carefully clasped on his lap. To his credit, he hadn’t picked up the book. He seemed to be waiting for Lea. They held each other’s gaze for a second, then Lea thought he was allowed to go sit next to his friend—boyfriend? Nah-uh—Isa would have to work for it—and Lea felt grateful that he hadn’t spilled the full extent of his feelings yet. Yeah, Lea was a little pissed off. He climbed onto the mattress and dropped forcibly back against the wall, sighing and feeling the fight ebb and flow in him. He needed Isa to say something, do anything to reassure Lea that they were okay.

“Sorry,” Lea said first anyway, not daring to look him in the eye.

Isa knocked his knee to Lea’s leg, the way Lea would do to get his attention.

“It’s okay,” Isa said, once Lea looked at him. He wasn’t smiling, he didn’t kiss him or hug him or any of the things Lea wanted one day with him, but he reached for Lea’s hand and laced their fingers gently together. “It’s okay. It was nice. Sorry, it was a bit much for me.”

“‘Kay…”

Lea wanted to say more, but it felt a little too much for him to deal with, too. So he stayed quiet and slumped further down, laying his head on Isa’s shoulder, petulantly daring him to deny him this comfort in his mind. He kept Isa’s hand in his; Isa didn’t let go.

He picked up the book and lay it open in his lap, still stroking the back of Lea’s hand.

***

That night, when Isa was safely away, uninvited to stay, for once, Lea lay on his bed in the dark, cool air drafting from the open window. If he closed his eyes, he could still picture Isa by his side; he just had to turn his head and feel the creases of the pillow case against his cheek. In this dream, Isa kissed him like he’d meant it earlier, tilting Lea’s chin up, coaxing his mouth open—Lea bit on his lip. Only he didn’t hold Lea’s head still this time—he slid his hand down Lea’s side and into his shorts to make him moan into his mouth. To make him feel good. To make him come. Because he, too, was desperately attracted to Lea. He, too, wanted Lea to make him feel good.

Lea wiped away the tears under his eyes and forced himself to believe his heart was going to be okay.

The next day, he met up with Isa at the usual place, powering through the awkward smiles and Isa’s falsely relaxed body language. When things seemed to be almost normal, and Isa didn’t flinch away when Lea brushed his hand against his for the fourteenth time that day, Lea tried to ask—

“Can I kiss you?” Quietly. Promise it won’t get out of hand.

Isa squeezed his hand briefly and apologetically, almost imperceptibly, shook his head.

No. No words. They never did it again.

Chapter Text

Radiant Garden Castle – Night

***

There’s something familiar in the way he freezes at the corner of the hallway, hidden in the shadow cast by the exit light, cut by the sharp angle of wall, all senses open in order to listen to the hushed conversation and remain aware of movements around. He holds his breath in check to a point that it’s almost too much, and his heart – his heart – beats faster. It’s not nerves, it’s that unbearable itch of pain and anger, of longing and sadness for something he’d never get, creeping up and up as he desperately tries to push it back down where it belongs. Betrayal, betrayal, betrayal. His fist clenches against the wall and he tries to listen, just listen. He wants to know, but what is really happening is that he can’t walk up to Saix—no, Isa—and Axel—this new Axel—like everything’s fine, nor can he turn on his heels and storm off with this incomprehensible feeling inside of him eating him up. So he stays frozen on the spot and waits, and sees in his mind the way the two men were standing close before Roxas hastily stepped back and hid. He can see their shadows entwined, long and dark on the floor.

“Roxas can forgive you,” Axel says, and Roxas wants to huff, but it hurts him that it’s true. He wants to leave that pain behind, wishes he could, with all his heart.

“I still can’t bear to see you so close to them, to him.”

“He’s a kid, Isa,” and it hurts so much to hear that, too, hurt that quickly gives way to prickling discomfort. What does Axel mean? “We’re not kids anymore.”

And then Roxas can’t hear anymore of the conversation but hushed murmurs; so he peeks around the corner and sees the two tall people facing each other, foreheads touching, Axel’s hands holding the other’s lowered face, fingers stroking reassuringly, coaxing his unstable friend out of the tipping zone, so gently, so affectionately. They are friends, Roxas repeats to himself, making himself see it; they were always friends; they were even best friends before you came along. And then his eyes widen.

Isa has yielded, eyes closed, brought his own hand up to rest on Axel’s waist, and Axel is kissing him.

Roxas can hear Xaldin’s contempt when they spied on Belle and Beast. He can’t remember the words, just the spite in “love”. Roxas still doesn’t know what love is, really, but he knows in his heart that friends don’t kiss each other like that. He wouldn’t. Axel handles Isa with such care, and no hesitation. And Isa presses into him like he’s claiming him back, like he can finally let go. The kisses break and they smile, soft, intimate, half-hidden from view, truer than he’s ever seen either of them. Axel seems a little hoarse and breathless when he says, “Let’s stop pretending… okay? You know I’ve been in love with you since we were kids. You know how much I’ve wanted you back…”

And the hunger with which Saix—Isa—kisses Axel in response to that knocks the wind out of Roxas, makes Axel himself stumble a step backwards before he recovers and loses himself into the kiss, too. Roxas can’t bear to look any longer. He turns and runs. Heart pounding. He has no idea why it hurts so much. Why he feels like he’s burning up. Shame and embarrassment? Unfairness? Envy?

If only Xion were here, he could talk it out with her; maybe he could kiss her; maybe they could figure it all out together.

So he ends up alone in his room, feeling empty and dumb, wanting to break things, and feeling at the same time that he really had no reason to.

Chapter Text

***

Memories more salient than this one had pushed the picture of Isa’s sleeping face to the corner of his mind, where all the puzzling recollections of past summers wasted away, devoid of emotion, hollowed out of what had made them memorable in the first place.

Was it even summer? They had sneaked out of their official sleepover and back in through Lea’s window, so drained they’d fallen asleep almost right away, crashing on Lea’s full-size bed, though they’d planned to pull his mattress to the floor next to Isa’s. It had been a long night of imagined terrors and very real scares, maybe back when they’d found the girl in the castle and vowed to magic her out. But maybe it had happened several times.

Lea had woken up first. He’d been a little surprised at that. Just as he was surprised to wake up to the face of the boy he was crushing on hard and couldn’t stop pining after, right in front of his. He’d thought, “this is mine, mine alone” and “he’s so beautiful.” It’s wasn’t yet dawn, as the light was still gray through the tilted blind slats. Isa’s blue hair had slipped out of control, a strand or two falling into his face. He was curled up on his side, facing Lea, his fist barely relaxed in sleep. He wasn’t frowning, which Lea thought might be just a trick of the half-light, blinking away the sleep so he could drink in the sight for as long as he could. He’d stifled a yawn, holding still, wishing he could brush the hair around Isa’s forehead, trace the line of his nose, his cheek, his ear—touch the ear stud they’d bought together, which Isa’s parents hated. Isa wanted many more of them.

Lea had looked his fill, falling in love just a little bit more—believing, somehow, Isa would want to be his boyfriend one day, enjoying this bittersweet dream for now. He’d fallen back asleep thinking they’d pierce their tongues together someday, then kiss it better, in one or another’s bed, with the world around them kindly going to hell.

He’d thought about this several times, in his room in the Castle That Never Was, unsure what the big deal was, wondering if he could ask Saix to come sleep with him one night to figure it out. But Xemnas kept Isa away from him most of the time, especially those first months. When he did see him, Lea wasn’t sure what friends meant anymore. He could only remember. Something important. Something he’d lost.

Years passed and he started to question whether Isa’s eyes had ever been blue. He remembered the closed eyelids and the soft blue hair as something that had died a long time ago; in all other memories, Isa’s eyes were gold. He wished, on one or another empty night, that he could play the memory beyond what had happened, stay awake until Isa stirred and looked at him with the truth of their hearts. And then Saix would barge in and lash orders at him—with that scar on his face only Xigbar ever dared to talk about.

Fair enough.

At a magic shop, in a world that had survived, Axel got tattoos on his own.

***

Now that he’d gotten Isa back, Lea didn’t want to go back to sleep. Unbelievably, Isa had stayed with him in bed through the night, facing him, resting his leg against his, eventually closing his eyes and dozing off, with the cross-shaped scar on his face making it seem like he was still frowning. And maybe he was. Lea wanted to rub his thumb across the mark and see if it would vanish. It felt surreal, to see his friend back where he belonged, safe under Lea’s watch and care, with his way too long hair falling across his cheek.

Lea brushed the strands carefully back behind his ear—back to normal; it hadn’t been a dream—he traced the shell—the human, curve of it—and touched the back of the protective ear stud Isa had bought the other day, to match his new outfit. The touch made Isa shiver in his sleep, and scrunch up his shoulder. Lea carefully pulled away.

He looked on, watching the man he loved sleep, thinking of those nights and mornings without him, when he would sometimes tell himself he’d get to sleep with Saix once they’d taken over the Organization—but for what?

They’d made it through. He could play out the weird memory from way back when and move beyond now—see what happened if he woke Isa up, touching him, kissing him—would Isa let him try to cut his hair?

Lea brushed the back of his knuckles gently against Isa’s half-clenched fist, laughing in silent disbelief when Isa stirred and seemed to roll his eyes even though they were closed.

“You awake?” Lea asked quietly.

“Yes,” Isa said, keeping his eyes shut, like Lea annoyed him.

“Did I wake you up?”

Isa shook his head.

“I have nightmares when I sleep.”

Lea kept knocking at his hand, absently—gently, gently—realising he was doing it when Isa sighed and grabbed his hand to hold it still, then brought the fingers to his lips to kiss them better.

Lea shifted and pressed a kiss to Isa’s forehead, moving down to kiss along the guiding line from his eyebrow to his nose. He kissed his eyelid, where eyelash met annoyed cheek.

“You’re such a pain, Lea,” Isa said. But he was smiling, so Lea shrugged and kissed that, too.

They kissed until the light outside turned gray and it would hurt like a bitch to get up—but they had nowhere urgent to go.

So Lea watched Isa open his eyes and could confirm, even in the half-daylight, that they were definitely blue.

Chapter Text

***

“Isa…”

Lea’s tone of voice sent a spark of anxiety up Isa’s chest. It wasn’t the usual teasing, lively firecracker of a call; it was soft, and it sounded the way Lea sounded when he was sad. The way his parents sometimes sounded when he would do something terribly wrong.

Isa looked at him, heart walled up and on his guard. Lea was indeed not smiling. He searched for something in Isa’s face then sighed and scratched the back of his neck.

“How do you feel about me?” Lea asked, averting his gaze at first, but then making sure he wouldn’t miss Isa’s response, occasionally glancing up from his shoes.

“What are you talking about?” Isa said, voice tense.

“Just what I said,” Lea snapped back, visibly frustrated. “I want to know how you feel about me. Like… Do you like me? What am I to you? Why do I feel like you’re leading me on?”

Lea’s voice broke slightly on the last question, but he cut himself off and managed not to… what. Lash out?

Isa was at a loss for words. He hated when Lea’s emotions burst the bubble of hard-won peace in his heart. He didn’t know how to handle how he felt. Lea was his best friend. What if things changed?

Lea took a sudden step closer and Isa immediately, instinctively stepped back. Lea’s mouth fell open in shock; he stepped back but visibly tried to remain in the vicinity of Isa’s space.

“Isa, what’s going on with you?”

Isa didn't know. He couldn’t feel much aside from the blood pumping in his head and a terrible, terrible itch on his wrist, which he started clawing at. His heart beat fast.

“What are you doing?”

His eyes burned, he wanted the skin off his arm, he felt—suddenly—Lea’s too real hands on him, trying to make him stop. He pushed himself free and curled into a ball.

And woke up with a start, struggling to breathe, skin crawling, eyes prickling with the urge to cry. This thing in him that Xemnas had nurtured, this tidal surge, his “beautiful” power, was making him sick. As a Nobody he’d learned—been trained—to let it out, until someone beat him back to his senses; as a person, everything just hurt, and he felt like if he did let go, he’d die. He fought back the nausea and shed instead a few tears for the kids he’d dreamed of. What if they had had this conversation back then? What if Lea had asked—and pried—and gently tried to take his hand again? What if they’d pushed past his defenses? What if Isa had tried to kiss him again, before it was too late? Would he have been able to love? (He had loved.) Would he have been able to tame the beast of anxiety and be the boyfriend Lea had wanted?

And what would that have achieved? More grounds for Xemnas to hurt them and break them? At least this way there wasn’t much for the Superior to take away from him. Axel’s existence had always been on the line to keep Saix in check. Xemnas knew, and it was always going to be about who could play the other better. Isa felt like Saix had always lost.

He stayed there, sitting in bed, shaking, in the dark, for long moments, gradually realizing he had no claws, just blunt, bitten nails that would bleed more than anything else he’d touch. He thought of Lea, not the kid he’d loved and betrayed, but the new Axel that had forgiven him for his years as Saix. Were they lovers now? This new person was patient enough to understand that Isa needed ridiculous amounts of space sometimes, most of the time. He’d even hugged him goodnight and let him walk alone to his room, although that wasn’t what he wanted to have with Isa, Isa knew.

“I just want to see you every day and make you happy.”

Isa stood and headed out into the hallway.

The prickle of anxiety came back when he laid his hand on the doorknob and knocked. He pushed the door open and entered the room without waiting for an answer.

He was greeted by a flash of white light and the whoosh of a flame that lit Lea’s face, in the general direction of the bed.

“Fuck… Isa.” He dismissed his keyblade and the room was dark again, save for the pale moon and city light that washed in through the window.

“It’s just me,” Isa confirmed uselessly, clicking the door shut.

Lea took a deep, steadying breath Isa could hear across the room; he gestured for him to come over. Isa walked over quietly and sat on the edge of the bed. Lea was rubbing at his face, his other arm wrapped around his knee. Isa must have woken him from a nightmare of his own—or woke him up to one, albeit briefly. He made Isa shuffle closer, laying his forehead on Isa’s shoulder as soon as it was possible do so, throwing his long, warm arm loosely around Isa’s waist. Isa put a tentative hand on his back, getting a faceful of red unruly hair.

“What’s up?” Lea asked sleepily, turning his face so that the mane wasn’t in the way anymore.

Isa subconsciously combed his fingers through it, once. Lea made a quiet, pleased sound and craned his neck to brush the tip of his nose to Isa’s jaw—his way of saying “I’m kissing you without kissing you—I’d really like to kiss you when you want to”.

Something gave in in Isa’s heart. He tilted Lea’s chin up to kiss him with everything he felt, his heart cracking, and cracking again when Lea hummed contentedly against his mouth and tightened his arm around him. Lea’s skin was warm, drawing him in; the warmth crept into Isa’s chest and pushed away the crawling aftershocks of anxiety; Isa couldn’t quite believe it, that they were both alive and that Lea allowed him to do this, that so many years had passed and Lea had waited for him to come around.

“You okay?” Lea whispered, keeping his face close, enjoying Isa’s rare display of affection.

No.

Isa swallowed.

“I wanted to be with you.”

His voice was so low and strangled he wasn’t sure he’d actually made a sound, but Axel wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held him close. The nauseating feeling crept up his spine in one violent scatter, but Lea held him through it. A sob escaped him; he was still in his arms.

The comforting fingers at his nape left as Lea wiped awkwardly at his own tears over Isa’s shoulder.

“Fuck…” he said again. “C’mere, baby.”

He pushed his sheet away and maneuvered Isa so that he could hold him as close as he needed while still giving him room to breathe; Isa gripped the back of Lea’s shirt with his sore fingers, and cried in the crook of his neck.

Axel—Lea—handled him like he could handle fire, where Xemnas had pushed and pushed at the emptiness in his chest until he was blind with hot fury and pain; Lea held his heart close and kept the fluttering blue flame alive, reassuring, “You’re okay, Isa. I’ve got you, babe. You’re safe. I’ve got you. You’re safe…”

He held him, close to his heart, until Isa felt the tremors finally recede, until he could feel both their pulses and believe it was real, and bearable, and harmless,—maybe, hopefully painless.

Until it felt like maybe he’d survived.