Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1: "We are Lovers"

<3

I was eighteen the first time I left my house and never came back. It was the best moment of my life.

It wasn't easy. I spent a lot of time figuring out where to live, expending lots of my saving in the first months and struggled to even get where I am. When I finally found a small student room I'm living at now, it was too late for me to even complain about the damages in it. The small balcony had a broken window that I had to fix, the small kitchen had a lot of furniture almost broken and not good painted, the ceiling was dirty and took me three days to clean it all. However, the bathroom was nice and in good conditions. I also had a nice view and an amazing lighting, that was helpful for my painting. Sadly, the lack of space made the room be a small kitchen, a small bed, small bathroom and a small painting studio. But it's my home and I love it.

When I did the big change of my life, my best friend Cassie was a big help. She was also really worry about me, almost trying to convincing me to live with her and her parents until we found a place together. But I wanted my independence and went I got it I became the happiest.

I can for the first time in my life experince freedom and peace. I can paint and live in peace. Until I have to move out again, but until now it hasn't been the case.

Living alone made my life a routine. Working in a library-coffee shop in the day, getting home around three o'clock and work on my painting until seven o'clock when I was heading out to the bar two blocks away from my small building. I liked it. It was obviously inconvenient working till late Sunday night or Christmas day but I had Mondays and Tuesday free, that was good enough for me.

At the end of the day, working in the coffee shop and the bar wasn't my whole life plan. I was saving money for collage while also working on my portafolio. I was decided to be the great painter I wanted to and giving up that dream wasn't my plan. Even now, years later after I left my house, I'm more to motivated to continue.

Job wasn't boring. In the coffee shop I was either doing coffee or reading some art books. It was usually quiet and relaxing in there, most of clients enjoying the quietness and calm atmosphere of the place.

The bar, however, was a different story. The name was "Underground" because it literally was. The big red door, with the name of the bar o top, opened a way down of stairs. The basement of the old building was remodeled to be a safe huge bar. There was an exit door and all the security once you were already downstairs. The bar was loud and full of neon red light. As a bartender I was usually doing drinks, most of other jobs include taking out some trash and sometimes doing the accounting. I have two coworkers, we took every time we weren't busy to talk, trying to make the shift a good moment for everyone. Also, we enjoyed talking about the bands that played every weekend, giving our owns opinions.

"Today do the tip counting, I have to leave early!" Lisa, my coworker, screamed to me.

"Fine!" I screamed back, while fixing my uniform because people was already getting settle in the place.

The uniform was a normal black dress and white lace socks, with the word Underground in neon red over the white small apron around my waist. Despite the fact that being a bartender was a more inconvenient work for some people, it was actually my favorite one. It had my favorite coworkers, we were only three girls in the bar, me, Lisa and Tina. Five guys for security, the seat up and cleaning crew. All nice and gentle people. My favorite thing, though, was the music. The bar usually played rock live, the only moment we played no live music was until waiting for the bands to settle and the change of presentation. The seat up crew spent most of their time just making the huge stage in the bar a nice and good pull up place for the bands.

Getting to know the bands was interesting. Lately my paintings were inspired in some of them, the member would usually sit in the bar and talk to us, they were interesting people with fantastic stories.

That night, like almost every Saturday, a new bad was playing. If Mery, the owner, liked them enough, she would asked them to play every opening night. The method of the bar was smart enough to keep the live music playing from Wednesday to Sunday. People payed a small amount for entering and if the band liked, we usually increase the clients. Mery managed an Instagram account for it and was really good at making the bar even more relevant. Weekly a new band was in and their plan was to stay for the pay.

The crew was helping the band to settle down in the stage. I watched them for the distance while focusing on preparing my first drink orders of the night. They were three members, a girl with blue and short hair that had a bass over her shoulder, a black long haired guy that was tall and brown skinned, he was holding drumsticks and there was a guitarist, with also dark hair but it was only long until his hair meet his neck and created kind of waves in his forehead, his skin also brown and big eyes. All of them were beautiful.

I put in my first orders, trying to have a conversation with my client as I usually do. Cassie used to be worry about the harass in the bar but Mery had a strong policy and, thankfully, we were protected. That obviously didn't avoid men being disgusting towards us but luckily they were usually took out the bar in less than a second. Young clients were usually the best ones in conversations, old clients were the best tipping but both were possibly assholes.

I gave my service smile before heating to the computer to mark the order and prepare the receipt. Tina came next to me, holding unopened beers in her hands. She was blond and short, with beautiful cheekbones and long lashes.

"Lisa is leaving early today, so we have a lot of work." She said

"Yeah, I'm doing the tips accounting tonight." I said.

"The fridge door is kinda damage so take care. I already told Mery about it."

"Is it a big damage?"

"Just be careful."

I nodded, paying attention to the computer. Tina just mentioned it because she knows how clumsy I get sometimes.

"God, today's band is so hot!" She screamed a mumble, looking at them.

I follow her look, also admiring the bad. Usually band members were attractive, Lisa, Tina and I were usually having the conversation of which of them would we date but eventually only Lisa got the dates. She was the prettiest of all of us, with red curly hair and huge breast that made me jealous.

"You think the bassist is into girls?" Tina asked

"They usually drink after playing, talk to her."

"I'm so into bassist players." She said dreamily, after shaking her head and opening the beers "Wins a drink whoever gets a phone number at the end of the shift."

"Deal." I laughed, knowing that most probably I was gonna loose. Last time I won it was months ago.

I didn't consider myself ugly. I was just way to shy to be confident and that was kinda hard to explain. I was the youngest and that was obvious. I had a baby face despite the fact that I had long cheekbones. I liked my long curly hair and my big hips, that also helped my ass look better, but people usually liked blonds and redheads more than dark heads and small breast. But that was only a disadvantage for me when it was about the tips. Dating was a lost point but one that I didn't care about so much.

I liked the casual dating and sex, it was the only thing I was doing after breaking up with my school boyfriend. I was so focus on the artist I wanted to be that dates were more like an inspiration to some art than an opportunity to fall in love. Fall in love was in a waiting list that I didn't planned to mark.

The bar was already full, a crowd of people already formed in front of the stage. Almost all of the tables full. The white lights went off, leaving the stage in the red and blue lights and then the smoke machine started to work. The sound of the drums marked the beginning of the bands performance.

The drummer was in the back, impotent and strong energy form his way to play, but also the way he moved his head every time they hit the drums. The bassist was pure beauty, her energy attracting a lot of attention, her hair moved at the rhythm of her fingers and her huge black boot. All about her was calling you to look at her. The guitarist was the singer as well. His dark black hair covered part of his eyes but he didn't seen to care, his fingers moving fast and firm while he keep his eyes in the distance of the crowd. He was like hypnotized, moving and singing knowing he was being look at. Seductive and hypnotizing. Born to be a star, like Mery used to call them.

I payed attention to the song, wondering if they were covering another band. But it didn't matter how much I try to think, I was almost convinced it was an original song.

"Fade into the moon,
screaming into the void.
Oh, take my eyes with you,
I don't need them anymore."

Bands that performed original music were usually the ones to leave to bigger places. This one was on their way to the top, the people in the bar enjoying the performance, clapping and jumping around.

"Lonely thing,
the portrait still hangs
close to me.
Leave me please,
before I beg you to stay
the night.
No, please don't be here this night. "

Then, the guitarist played a solo. His face calm and almost too poetic for the situation, his eyes focused on his fingers while he played the quit notes. Sweat starting to make his hair greasy and he looked like all the reasons why every groupie ever existed.

He played the last note pulling his head back in a quit move, making his hair fly and his eyes face up, his jawline, neck and Adam's apple all good define by the white lights of the stage. He walked closer to the microphone, his eyes deep.

"Thank you, We are Lovers, and please enjoy the show." He said, his voice as deep and raspy as his singing voice.

No way he was single.

Tina gave a beer to a client and then walked next to me, the bar nearly empty now that everyone had a drink in their hands and focused on the band performing.

"Look at them." Tina said, dreamy while looking at the stage. She was melting into their spell and so was I.

"Is been a while since we had band that played original music.” I mentioned.

"Yeah, they are always the hottest."

I laughed. "You are about to fall and scream for the bassist girl."

"Look at her!"

I was. I was looking at all of them. Curious and enchanted. It was as if they had some quite of sexy and mystery energy attached.

"Also the band's name is Lovers" Tina said "Fuckers, they know what they are doing."

They did. Because each of them, in their way to perform and play the music, with slow and rhythmic movements, the face expression of someone that it's just having a great time, they did look like lovers. Passionate and dedicated, warm and seductive.

"I want the guitarist's number."

I was mostly thinking out loud. I was good at flirting but I sucked at giving the first step like asking for a number. I was also really interested about his vibes, I was good at them with people and also in what I based all my dating history. Still works for me.

The last songs is almost ending, all of them playing the bridge of the song in a climatic performance. They played like they've been doing it forever. The guitarist came close to the microphone to sing the last verse and then he looked at me. Our eyes meeting, my stomach falling. I was too busy looking at him to look away and I also didn't wanted him to look away. So we kept eye contact while he sang.

"Till the other frontier,
reaching you like
something I missed.
The desire of the memory
of your gaze
and the seconds to count
when your mouth was in mine.
I miss who I was
before I heard you talk."

My mouth felt dry and my stomach jumped. The sexual appeal of that man was immaculate. It was like vibrations and the sound of his deep, raspy voice that made me feel something in every place of my body. His eyes were dreamy and big, a little red like with old tears, long lashes and seductive. I couldn't stop looking at him, not when his eyes felt like telling me truths but lying to me at the same time.

"Thank you." I heard that he said, breaking the eye contact to look at the audience but his eyes came back at mine almost immediately "We are Lovers."

And the lights went off. I almost don't survive that tension.

As the show ended, the second band of the night was getting ready to go up stage. The bar was crowded and Tina and I, in Lisa's absent, were going crazy with the amount of orders. Mostly only beers but there was always some cocktails order. The tip jar was growing up, thankfully.

About the time the second band was already up stage and playing, the bar started to get empty again, little by little everyone focusing in the show. Tina and I almost scream in gratification, both of us sitting taking the opportunity to rest. No one tells you about how much service jobs can made your legs hurt.

"Fuck, she had to leave for what?" Tina asked, cleaning the sweet of her forehead and trying to put his hard back.

I pulled my hair out of my neck, giving it some air. "Didn't say, I thought you knew."

I actually didn’t knew much about my coworkers. Nothing they didn’t share but we weren’t close friends. I was clear on that. However, I liked them and the plans of them being my friends was on the table, the problem is that to keep friends is nice to do something with them that is not just working together. Sadly that hasn’t happen much.

"I already want this shift to end." Tina groaned

"Excuse me?" A voice came from the bar.

"God, more?" Tina mumbled, her face discomposed for the pain.

"I'll take it." I stood up.

To my surprise, the person in the bar was the bassist of the band. She smiled at me.

"You are a doll." I heard Tina but ignored her.

"How can I help?" I asked, giving my work smile.

"Three beers, please." She asked.

"Any specific?"

She laughed "The cheapest."

I nodded and head down the hall of the cocktail bar to get the beers in the refrigerator. I tilted down to grab the handle and pulled up strongly because of how heavy it is, then the refrigerator door came flying to my face, my fist hitting my lower lip and my head flying back in pain.

"Fuck!" I groaned. I pull the door down, closing it. I stood straight, putting my hand over my mouth. I tasted blood, my lip was probably broken.

"Are you okay?" I heard. I looked up, the drummer of the band was standing in the bar, probably he came back of the bathroom that was close to that part of the bar.

"I am, I forgot the door was broken" I answered awkwardly, my lip was pulsing.

"You should put some ice in it." He gave me a smile.

"Thank you." I pulled my hand away so I could smiled back.

He left the bar, his long hair moving a little with him. He walked to the table at the corner of the bar, in the right part of the stage, where the lights were lower. The other band member was there, with a couple more people sharing two tables.

I grabbed the beers, successfully this time without hitting my face. I kept my lower lip inside of my mouth, the blond already stopping. I opened the beers and walked back to the front of the bar. Tina was standing, speaking to the bassist. I pulled the beers in the bar, giving her a smile.

"Thank you." She said, smiling back and giving a nod to Tina.

"Oh my god, what's your name?" Tina asked.

"I'm Élise." she said.

"Of course." Tina mumbled. "Nice to met you, we hope you guys play here again." Tina knocked her knee against my leg.

"Yeah, we loved the songs." I added.

"Oh, for real?" She asked, smiling for the compliment.

"Yeah, best ones we've heard around." I added. Not only being nice, I was being honest.

"Thank you." She smile "Reid is gonna be happy about it."

"Which one is Reid?" Tina asked, her smile big as possibly. She was baiting her lashes to Élise.

"He writes the lyrics and plays the guitar." She added.

So the singer’s name was Reid.

"What's the drummer's name?" I asked in curiosity.

Élise smiled at me, like she knew why I was asking. "It's Moshe."

"You all have cool names." Tina said, she was trying to keep the conversation so badly.

"Thank you and thank you." She said, smiling at both of us and taking the beers with her.

I watched her leave and then looked at Tina, laughing at her act.

"Was it lame?" She asked.

"No, but you were kinda rushing." I said, sitting down again.

"Maybe is because I'm so tired." She sited back, too.

I pull out the small ice machine, taking out three ice cubes and putting them in a cloth napkin. I closed it and pulled it in my lip. Tina tilted forward to me, watching my lip.

"What happened?"

"I did it to myself with the refrigerator door."

"But I told you!" She said, surprised.

"I forgot, is been so busy tonight."

"Go to the bathroom and clean it. Take a break if you want to."

"But your feet hurt." I said, we were both tired, the night was crowded and the closing time was three hours away.

"I've never said I couldn't take a break later." She said.

I smiled and let the napkin down in the small table under the bar. The ice was melting and my lip felt cold.

"Thank you, I'm having my smoke break." I stood up.

"Can I steal one later?"

"Yeah, they are in the bag in my locker."

"Thank you."

I walked back to the end of the cocktail bar, to the door at the end of it with the hanging sign of "Service only". The hallway was short until the door to the private women bathroom. Next to it was the men bathroom and Mery's office at the end of the hall.

I walked in, going pass the lockers section and walking straight to the mirror. My lip was red, I washed my hand and then pulled my lip down, seeing the small break in it. It wasn't a big deal. I washed the sweat out of my face and neck. In my locker I used my small towel and grabbed the cigs, my phone and lighter.

I came back to the bar and walked out of it, getting to the back of the bar to use the back door to head outside. Upstairs to the door in the dark and lonely alley, so I walked to the main street, heading to the front of the bar. I sat down in the small stairs to the main door of the building, away from the door of the bar.

I putted my phone in my lap to pull a cigar out and into my mouth. I lighted it out, breathing a long sip of smoke and holding in before exhaling slowly. I was a slow smoker, or maybe a normal one, so I grabbed my phone having something to put my mind in. I had missed calls from Cassie but I try not to put my mind into it. So I deleted the notifications.

The calls affected my mood immediately. I let my phone down staring at the street in front of me. I liked the city, a lot of lights and nice buildings to see. Usually people around at that time of a Saturday. I liked it here, at the beginning I was so scared of failing but I adapted really well. And I'm doing well, because I can do it, I'm capable and probably more smart than...

"Do you have a light?"

I pull my head up, looking at the man in front of me. It was the guitarist of the band. Reid. His eyes were color brown and big, he was really attractive.

"Yes." I said, taking the lighter from my lap handing it out to him.

"Thanks." He took it, all of his fingers touching my hand in such a slow movement full of tension. His eyes never let mine and I was so into it to look away.

Where the fuck did that sexual tension came from.

I watched him light his cig while I kept smocking mine. All his poses were confident but shallow, his energy felt strong and seductive. Probably the most direct tension I've ever seen a man hold. In a good way.

"You are the guitarist." I said. I was kinda nervous, it was usually easy to flirt when I'm at the bar and Tina and Lisa had my back. But I could do it, I took a couple of shots earlier.

"Yes." He mumbled "I'm actually..." he took a sip of his cig "I'm the vocalist, I just play the guitar because someone has to." He finished, smoke leaving his mouth just as the words.

"Why don't you get a guitarist?" I asked in curiosity.

"We tried, we suck with other people. But we are great playing together." He smiled. That was a nice looking smile.

"Do you guys know each other for a while?"

He pointed at the spot next to me "Can I seat?"

I nodded, moving a little to give him space. I put the cig in my mouth and felt his eyes on my. He was looking at me all the time.

"Moshe and I grow up together." He added.

"Moshe.. the drummer?"

He smiled "Yeah." He put his cig in his mouth and breath in while frowning "What's your name?"

I pointed at the pin in my left shoulder. I was moving the cig to my mouth but froze at the moment he leaned close to me, to see the pin in my shoulder. I felt his smoke close to my chin.

"Ress?" He asked, sitting straight. I nodded, trying to pretend I wasn't affected. "I'm Reid." He said, smiling.

"Nice to met you." I smiled and handed him my hand.

He took it slowly, his eyes glued to my eyes. The shake was slow, I smiled while he grinned, the cig in his mouth while doing it. He was really attractive... Fuck, my break time.

"Sorry I have to go back in." I said, pulling my hand away and breaking the spell. I gave the last sit and stood up, walking to the trash can and putting in away the stub.

When I turn around, he was standing up, too. I watched him look at me, his eyes moving through my body, when our eyes connected he gave me a smile.

"See you inside then?" He asked, his smile inviting.

I smiled "Yes."

But I didn't walked away, some vibrant energy kept me there. He looked at me, while also finishing his cig. Then he walked closer to me in slow steps.

"You told Élise you liked our lyrics." He said, I saw him put his stub in the trash.

"She told you?"

He nodded "I take critics about my lyrics seriously, is part of the trying to be good at it.”

"They are your lyrics?" I asked, with a teasing smile. I liked that we could had an easy conversation.

"Surprises you?" He laughed, looking chill and friendly. He was so comfortable and easy going. Moved as if he was floating over gravity, he didn't even looked tensed.

"I honestly thought the drummer was the writer." I was lying, just wanting something to say.

"He composed everything we do."

"For real?"

Our bodies were close, comfortably talking as if we knew each other from a long time. He nodded at my question.

"So you are a writer?" I asked

"You are bleeding." He mentioned, before I could even try and shut up. And in a quick move, his hand was holding my jaw to see it better.

I get completly frozen, finding my voice not being able to work and my mind neither. I pulled away from him, being awarded of how close we were.

"Ress." I heard a scream.

Tate, one of the security guys came around the alley.

"Tina is waiting for you, she can't alone and the band already stop playing." He said from afar.

"Oh my god! I'm going." I told him "See you." I said simply to him and starting to walk away before hearing his answer.

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: "Into you"

<3

Next Saturday came really quit. I had a free day of the coffee shop, getting to have a slow morning for myself. I grabbed some groceries, took breakfast out while reading. I loved morning walks, something about the cold wind and the coffee smell in the streets. Gladly I had a great time before the awful night we were about to had. The weekends when bands play live were the more busy ones but tips were always good. Usually my rent savings came out all my Saturday's tip.

That night was gonna be easier than last weekend. Lisa was there so we all occupied the usual spots we worked with. Lovers were playing that night. I was hoping to cross at least a smile with one of them, specially Reid, but the bar was already full before the go up stage and I was too busy making cocktails to even look up. I knew they were playing because of the music. Also, I was paying attention to their lyrics. It was the same song of last time but this one time I listened closely to more parts of the song.

"You vanish in my hands,
melting in front of my eyes.
I won't do it again,
please it won't happen again.
I'll silence myself forever
if my opportunities to love you
are a waste.

Till the other frontier,
reaching you like something I missed.
The desire of the memory of your gaze
and the seconds to count
when your mouth was in mine.
I miss how I was before
I heard you talk."

For some reason, the original lyrics made me remember couple of things I used to write before. I was into poetry but my parents thought it was a waste to concentrate in. They hated every single artistic part of my life. Not even liking that I wanted to be in a dance team for a while when I was a child. I missed writing the most, a lot of my memories are written down and they are different than my memories alone. In my morning walk I got myself a notebook, trying to keep up with my writing again. Now I was independent and strong and I could write if I fucking wanted to.

I walked to the computer to put in some orders in. Lisa was talking to a client and Tina came walking down to me.

"Is her boyfriend!" She screamed in a murmur. She was shocked but looked happy for Lisa.

"Is he?!" I also screamed in silence. Honestly, for what I heard of Lisa she wasn't the boyfriend type, so he was definitely special.

"You think that is why she wasn't here last Saturday?" Tina asked, murmuring next to my ear while keeping an eye in the couple talking in the bar.

I shrugged my shoulders and keep doing the job. She started to put away dirty glasses.

"Did you got a number that night?" She looked up to me, interested in winning maybe. I bet she got Élise number somehow.

I didn't got Reid's number. Actually, I never saw him before the small talk we had outside the bar. The work was too much, usually three was already a lot of work for a bar so big but when one of us was missing it was torture. The band left as soon as the closing time and I stayed in more than half an hour doing counting of the tips and changing to my clothes. I got home around four in the morning.

"No, did you?" I asked her in a neutral tone.

"Well no, but the bassist came back and we keep talking." Tina said, a smile in her tone.

"Is she into girls?"

"Don't know how to ask!" She gasped, her face frowning in shame.

I laughed at her frustration. Tina stood up and looked at the stage. Élise was there, a powerful gaze of beauty and enchant was her hole aura. It was interesting because Tina had a septum piercing and a lip piercing. Her style was really gothic. They would look beautiful together.

Lisa came to us, her boyfriend disappearing somewhere in the crowd of people. Everyone's attention was in the band so the three of uf took the free time to talk and sit down, resting our feet.

"Is that the new band?" Lisa asked, a bottle of water in her hand.

"Yeah, they played last Saturday." Tina said, with a funny smile.

"They sound good." Lisa said, nodding at the rhythm of the music. I agreed with her.

"They are called Lovers" Tina said, making a funny imitation of a sensual voice at saying the word. She was not hiding how impressed she was by the band.

"Ress, how were that night tips?" Lisa asked with a look that was close to shine in hope.

"The huge amount we'd had in like two months." I answered, nodding while showing my surprise by it. I was happy when I stopped doing the counting last Saturday.

"If they make us win tips we need to convince Mery to keep them." Lisa said, smiling happily at the idea. Nothing tasted better than good tips.

The moment Lovers stopped playing, the crown of people started to grow around the bar and we all took our places, working as quick as possible to make the huge wave of people disappear. Everyone was talking about the band, apparently they were really liked and that was exactly what we all wanted to hear.

As fast as possible, trying our best to reach to our break level of the night, we served all the orders till everyone was already with a drink and away. Bar was empty again. I seated down in my spot, worrying about my leg pain so tried to massage them. As soon as I concentrate in it, a voice comes from the bar.

"Hello?" A raspy deep voice said.

"Fuck." I mumble, almost too tired. I stand up anyways, giving my best smile. And then I'm frozen but I keep smiling, begging to heaven that he didn't notice my reaction.

"Hi." Reid said. He smiled at me the same as the first day we meet, with a strong shocking and slow movement that made his lips form the sexiest smile I’ve ever seen.

"How can I help?" I'm trying my best to keep the professional tone. But something about the way he's looking at me makes me nervous. Is like his eyes are making love to mine, I'm trying my best to not look away because I'm so intimidated by them.

"Three beers, please." Keeping his nice expression while his eyes burn my entire body.

"Any specific kind?" I asked, my voice almost sounding affected so I quickly fix it.

He smirked. "The cheapest."

I gave him a small smile and nod, remembering it was the same answer Élise gave me. Maybe an inside joke thing.

"Sure." I gave him a last look before walking to the end of the bar. Lisa and Tina were on a break again, but they checked who was in the bar and just gave me cheeky smiles. I almost shocked my head, softly laughing at the situation to not consume myself nervous.

I walked back, beers open and cold in my hands. I putted them in the bar, giving a welcoming smile.

"Thank you." He said, but he didn't take the beer. He stayed there, looking at me. Then, he put his hand in his pocket and took it out, my lighter in his hand.

I didn't remember he had it until Sunday morning when I was trying to have a cig. I spent most of the week asking for one borrowed so I was actually thankful he gave it back.

"Thank you." I took it. Again, our hands touched in a slow and sensual movement, electricity vibrating out my skin. We were burning. Or, at least, definitely I was.

"Yeah, you forgot." He said, putting his hand away, keeping his eyes looked in mine. "So, you liked tonight's songs?" He asked putting his hands in the bar and leading forward, ready to listen to me.

I got excited, noticing he wanted to have some conversation. Is not like I spent a whole week practicing what to say to him next time I see him… but I kinda put together some imaginary scenarios that were helpful.

"I loved them. " I said, laying softly over the bar. My legs were hurting but I didn’t think the talk would take took long. The end of the night was close and usually bands used their free time in the bar to celebrate the gig.

"Which one was your favorite?" Reid asked, starting to have a drink of one of the beers. I couldn’t understand why he was so into my opinion of the songs. But I couldn’t judge when I was constantly asking for criticizing for my paintings.

I blushed, embarrassed for what I was about to say. "I didn't... I didn't catch the names." My face was a apologetic smile.

He smiled back though, as if he founded funny my shame for it. "I get it, you are also working while we play."

"But I..." I blushed again, smiling awkwardly, "I remember this lyrics like... The desire of the memory of your gaze." I recited "Is beautiful" It was my honest opinion, not me just wanting to cheer him up. The concept of eyes was so interesting to me, you could do so many things with it.

"Thank you, that one is called Visions." Reid said, his face was interesting, putting on a small frown as if he was so invested in my answer.

"But I had payed attention to most of them, I like how you guys sound." I explained “Everyone in the bar is really liking you guys, too.” I added, maybe trying not to sound like I was just giving a compliment for other intentions.

"You think we could ever play here and you could pay attention?" He asked, his body leading closer to mine. Our face were close, centimeters away but close enough. He was beautiful, his eyes were round shape and long lashes. Also, a small pink tone was filling his cheeks and tip of the nose.

"I don't think so." I said honestly. For a while I enjoyed covers better because if I knew the song I could enjoy it. New songs, however, could take me a while.

"Well... what if you heard us somewhere else?" Reid asked, giving me a hopeful smirked with a cheeky tone on it.

I was almost shock in the slow process of understanding that he was inviting me to something. Or at least trying to. I opened my mouth to answer when a hand palmed his shoulder. I stood straight immediately and he did too, looking behind himself.

"Coucou, we are thirsty." Élise said and then she grabbed the two other untouched beers. "Hi." She smiled to me. She was the definition of cool girl, even the way she said hello.

"Hi." I smiled at her and turned to my side, watching my coworkers being back to work. They were probably closing open accounts because closing time of the bar was close. "I'm sorry I have to go back..." I started.

"Wait!" Élise called "What do you do after work?" She asked, moving her head slightly to the side and looking at me with with the friendliest expression.

I usually go home and sleep, way too tired to even think about anything else. Also, my money situation wasn’t the best one so selling drinks instead of drinking them was my only choice now. Thankfully in the bar I could steal a shot once in a while. Saturday was my exception only when we had a special occasion like a birthday or some type of made up celebration. It was also better because I did saved a lot more drinking in the bar I’m already working it that some random bar and sometimes the crew will stay and drink but most weekends we were spend. We let the celebration to Tuesdays when almost no one was around.

"Go home." I said, sarcastically.

"We are going to this party later, wanna crash?" She asked, nicely. Reid was there, drinking his beer, his eyes glued to mine, waiting for my answer.

"I... don't know." I said, almost too impressed on how fast things were happening.

"You can ask Tina, she was so nice to me last time. Tell her I say hi." She added, giving a smirked when she mentioned Tina.

My eyes went back to Reid, I swear I almost felt like crossing my legs, he needs to stop doing whatever he was doing with his eyes. I couldn't take it.

"Fine, I'll tell her." I agreed. The idea lowkey took me by surprised but I was more than willing to take it, specially if Tina was going which made me feel more comfortable about the idea of hanging out with the band.

"So you are going?" Reid asked for assuring, my body completely frozen when I heard him.

I gave my best smile, trying not to be obvious about how much he affects me. "Sure."

"See ya later." Élise said, waving at me.

I waved and then walked to the end of the bar, almost having a panic moment for what just happened. I couldn't talk to Tina immediately, the work was a lot when closing was soon. Closing accounts, cleaning most things and doing the counting.

It was in the bathroom, while we were getting dress that I mentioned it. She almost screamed at me.

"You could have said that earlier!" She said and then run to her clothes bag. "Where is it?"

I felt my face go white for how dumb I was. "I didn't ask!" I gasped.

"Ress!" She screamed.

"Sorry I was so shocked I..." I babbled.

"Is fine maybe... they are waiting for us" She said, starting to get dress. She put on the same white dress she came to work with.

"You think so?" I asked, finishing to get on my long black skirt and my crop top.

"I mean... They must have noticed by now they didn't tell you where." Tina said, she almost looked not so sure about it.

I wasn't as positive about it. Just didn't thought they cared enough. Maybe they were too cool for it? It was three in the morning, I couldn't think of any party going on later than that. Lisa said goodbye before we walked to the way out by the back door, we saw her leave with her boyfriend, both disappearing in the dark night. Me and Tina walked to the main street, trying to find our usual way home. Tina lived a few blocks before my building so we usually walked after work together. Before we could take our turn, someone shouted.

"Hey!" Élise said, her arms swimming in the air calling us. She was jumping and laughing.

The band was outside of the bar, the same spot I first talked to Reid last Saturday. Reid and Moshe smoking cigarettes, sitting in the same stairs while looking at us.

Tina smiled happily and grabbed my arm before starting to walk in their direction. "I told you." She mumble over her smile.

"Hi!" She said. Moshe nodded to us. He had a nose piercing and a lip one, both looking so good in his face, his hair pull in a ponytail away from his face. He was way too beautiful to be behind drums. His aura was strong but mysterious. If he turned out to be a quiet guy he was a full on prize.

"Hello." I said, standing back when Tina walked straight to Élise and they started to talk in soft tones.

Reid stayed in his place next to Moshe, but turned his attention to me. The light open flanel falling into his knees.

"We were waiting, forgot to tell you where the place was." He said, giving me an apologetic look.

"Yeah, I forgot to asked." I said, awkwardly. I was too distracted back there.

"This is Moshe, he's our drummer." Reid said, nodding at Moshe direction.

I waved and he smiled at me. "I know her." Moshe said, his voice was a small wave of something warm.

"We are not far from the party, wanna walk?" Reid proposed, standing up. Moshe followed him.

I nodded and then all of us started to walk the three am lonely streets of the city. Passing by the still open restaurants and bars, discos also in the place and every time we when pass one I thought that was the place we were gonna arrive.

Moshe was asking me questions and Reid listened, also asking things. Turns out his not as quiet but honestly his voice was pleasing to hear, so thankfully he wasn't. Mostly about working in the bar, it was the usual conversation when you met someone as a bartender. Is later when the other personal questions start. Tina and Élise were walking in front of us, lost in their own conversation. Those two had something going on and I was happy about Tina, is being a while since she was into someone. She use to focus on work to erase herself from dating after breakups.

"So when did you guys started the band?" I asked, looking at both of them that were walking each on by my side.

"When all three of us realize it was that or being broke." Moshe said, serious but a clear joking tone. His soft laugh was also raspy and deep. I joined him.

"We just realize we could made money of It." Reid added, smiling in fun.

Moshe was liking his personal space but Reid was walking close enough for our arms to swing together sometimes.

"And you are the lider?" I asked Reid, keeping my eyes on him.

"Yeah, right." Moshe said in a serious tone. He was sarcastically playful.

"We don't believe in that. We all have an important job and we need to accomplish it." Reid said, in a soft tone.

"Élise is the one with the personality, we are the talent." Moshe added.

Élise turned around, apparently she was listening. "Hey! I'm talented." She said, gasping as she was offended.

Moshe walked close to her, putting his arms around her "Of course you are, chérie" he gave her a wicked smile.

He stayed with Élise and Tina, walking with them. Reid and I staying in the back, walking slowly and keep giving small glances to each other from time to time.

"So is this party a band thing?" I tried to make conversation because the tension was killing me.

"No, is just our friends getting wasted until dawn." He said, softly giggling at it.

"You guys have a lot of friends?" I asked, my body turned to his direction, giving him my attention.

He started to only look at me while he walked. I tried doing the same while not tripping with my own steps. Our steps became more calm and at the same rhythm.

"We have a big group of people we hang out with but mostly is just the three of us." Reid answered.

"You guys are really close?" I just wanted to know some more about him.

"We've been since first year of college." He started.

"What year are you in now?" He interrupted, surprised that he was a student.

"Third." Reid nodded.

I smiled almost feeling the envy in my veins. The idea of college was the only thing in my mind lately and hearing someone having a good experience in it just made me wanted it more. Just having an experience at all will be enough for me.

"What about you?" He asked, softly.

"What about me?" I frowned, feeling confused.

"Are you in college?" He asked, his eyes were still deep on me but his attitude had a more friendly vibe.

I gave a sad smile. "Not yet, but I'm planning to."

"So you are saving for college?" Reid guessed.

"Yeah." I said, almost with a sad laugh.

His hand went to my shoulder, squishing it almost in support. I stopped walking, keeping the eye contact. His eyes were talking prose. "You got this." He smiled honestly and dearly. I felt his empathy close and strong.

"Thank you." I mumbled, amused by the interaction. Where is this chemistry coming from?

I stayed stood there, looking at him. Never in my life before I had felt this instant connexion, the need of just wanting to hook up with him but also so interested by him and wanting to talk about things. Or just kiss him, I'll took any offer.

"We are here!" I heard Élise scream. We looked at them rushing to the building and quickly followed them.

The party was in a apartment at the end of an old building. No elevator in sight so we had to go up stairs and stairs with low lighting till stage five. The outside bright going through to the small windows in the middle of the stair hallways. The apartment was a big living room full of people, two balcony doors open to the outside. There was smoke in the air but it wasn't cigarettes, it was weed. The cigs smokers had to go to the balconies. The lights were yellow but small, all lamps none a general light in sight. Moshe, Tina and Élise went to the kitchen to take a drink. Tina gave me wink while she walked away. She was cheering for me.

I stayed with Reid. He said hi to a lot of people and always introduced me. He called me Ress with a long extension of my name at the end, almost sounding like he was singing my name every time. I almost kinda noticed an accent but It was mostly overshadowed by his deep voice. I said hi to a lot of strangers and rejected every joint offered because I didn't wanted to be high in a room full of strangers, at least until I read more the environment I was in.

Eventually Reid took me to a small couch in the corner of the apartment, close to a walk a low lighting so we kinda had privacy. He seated next to me while giving me a glass of paper. His arm went straight to the back of the couch, almost behind my shoulder.

"It just coke, let me know if you want a drink." He offered, now his voice in a more deep tone.

"I'll like a drink." I manage to say, being already affected by the fact that we were in a intimate position.

He gave a smirk and then grabbed another of the full glasses in the café table next to the couch. I putted down the coke while taking the drink. I took a sip while his eyes looked every single one of my moves. I needed to either hook up with him or leave. This was getting to much.

"So..." Reid started, looking at me from his comfortable position in the couch, laying his side in the coffins while keeping his gaze on me. "You are a bartender"

"I'm not." I said, then chuckled.

"Is your job" He chuckled too.

"Oh, no!" I sip on my drink. "I meant I’m a painter" I clarify.

"You are? What do you like to paint." He asked, leaning close to hear me out from the loud music around us.

"Well… anything that comes to my mind. Can’t say I have a proper style yet" I felt uncomfortable mentioning it.

"That happens to me with my writing" Reid put his arm on the edge of the couch, allowing him to lean closer to I could feel his breath over my ear.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I guess is an artist experience." My hands were playing with the cup, trying to focus my nervous acts in it.

"What do you paint with?" He was interested in it. That was when I thought that maybe he knew a lot of people that were interested in something creative.

"I've been working with watercolors my whole life. I'm trying different things now, but I like watercolor better."

"I hope I get to see some of your work later." He said, giving me a soft smile and his eyes brightened for a second.

I smiled and relaxed, lay my back in the couch making me be closer to his face. He approached more, his whole body lenguaje concentrate in me.

"So you are a painter, working to save for college and, I imagine working in a portafolio, you don't go out much right?" He guessed my whole life.

"It has been a while since I have, yes." I got shy for a second, honestly work and college applications consumed my whole time.

"So, you liked it here?" He smirked.

"It's nice, you know a lot of people." I kinda didn't have much to say because I spended so much time working, I usually don't go out as much.

He grinned. "I don’t really know every person in this room." Pushing his finger over his mouth, he tease “Don’t repeat that.”

"Secret is safe with me." I laughed softly.

He gave me a big smile. Inviting and honest. "So you don’t have many friends, I’m guessing."

"I... think so, yes." I agreed, laughing nervously. My eyes went to his and them down my glass.

"Well, I’ll be your friend." He proposed, taking a sip from his drink.

I chuckled “Nice offer."

"And we can hang so that way you can hear our songs without being interrupted by your job. Then, his face gets closer to mine, I could felt his breathing on my cheek and I was sure a short movement could have us kiss at some point.”

His eyes covered every corner of my face, staying in my lips for a short amount of time before going back to my eyes.

"I would like that..." I also speak low, trying to keep with his gaze. The energy surrounding us changed immediately.

His eyes were heavy on me, I swear that stare can make you beg. I wanted to kiss him. His mouth red for the drink and partly open while his eyes move to every inch of my body.

He smirked, slowly and dangerous. "Do you wanna... go someplace with me?"

"Some place?" I frowned, wanting more information.

"A private one." He clarify.

Tina would have scream yes for me already. I looked through the place, trying to catch her eye. She was in the other part of the living room, sitting between Élise and more people, all of them having an active conversation. Moshe was talking to some boys, his posture more serious and professional. Not that I haven't had casual sex before but I was always aware of where I was, I was alone so I had to take care of myself.

"Where?" I asked, looking kinda insecure.

"Balcony? We could grab a smoke." Reid added immediately, like trying to fix if it was too quick.

I smiled at the second. I was thankful. I wanted to be in a private place with him but the fact he didn't think of a room as first choice was nice. And also good for me because I was trying not to fall into it so quickly even if I was clearly failing.

"Sure." I nodded softly.

I left my empty glass in the café table before taking his offering hand to help me stand up and following him to the balcony. I looked behind my shoulder and had eye contact with Tina. She gave me a smirk. The space in the balcony was small, almost enough for someone to stand looking outside and someone standing looking inside and that was exactly the position we took. We were in the corner hidden from the inside with low light. I stood there, laying my back to the glass window of the balcony. He laying against the whole balcony, looking at me and ignoring the whole view behind him. I ignored it, too. I was looking at him and at how good he looked with shadows forming in this face. He had a nose piercing too but the most noticeable thing about him were his tattoos, both of his arms with them here and there. It looked like a lot of small drawing in a piece of paper.

He took out two cigs and put both of them in his mouth. He lighted both of them at the same time, his hands stopping the wind from taking away the fire. I was sure the look of my face said it all while I was trying so hard to not be obvious. But everyone of his movements was attractive. He gave me one of the light cigs and I looked at him all the time while putting the filter in between my lips and giving a small sip to then inhale and exhale the smoke. His eyes went dark, as if he was thinking the same things I was.

"So... how long have you been a bartender?" Reid asked while leaving his cig in his mouth.

"I few years now, different bars." I lied, being too good at it. "I’ve only been in Underground for a couple of months" I added, giving another sip of my cig when I finished talking.

"You work all night and sleep all day kind of person?" He asked, mostly.

"Yes." I laughed at my own sad story.

"You barely have time for yourself." He started, he gave the only step it was needed to both of us to be close. My hand got froze on its way to my mouth. Reid's hand flew to the curl falling in my check, putting in behind my ears. Our bodies were closer and I was froze by his touch. "You work really hard, right?" He mumble, looking at me with full empathy but also a bit of desire.

I nodded, slowly mostly cuz my words were stuck in my throat. I had to looked up just a little bit, we were almost the same height if it were for a few inches.

"You are gonna be fine." He said, smiling at me.

"Thanks, is all I want." I answered, feeling dizzy by the electricity of his closeness.

His hand stayed in my ear, stroking my hair in that part of my head, sending shivers through my whole body. I took another sip from my cig, trying not to look away but trying to stay put.

"So…" He said, almost to himself. He was looking at me as if he couldn't believe somehow.

"What?" I frowned, not understanding where that came from.

He shook his head, smiling softly. "I'm thinking out loud." His hand went down and I missed his touch.

I gave him a smile back. "What are you thinking?" I asked, giving a playful smirk.

His cig was laying in his hand, burning alone while he ignored him. Smoking was no the reason why we are out here.

"That I'm really... really into you, Ress." Reid said, softly but sensual. A kinda dirty and inviting tone.

"Are you?" My voice when low in excitement but also trying to flirt back as better as I could.

He nodded slowly and throw his cig away. His hand went back at me and started to move from my ear to my jaw. His fingers touching my skin as if it was delicate and smooth. . I was burning whole when his thumb started to stroke my chin, giving soft strokes and then, slowly, while his eyes helped that part of my body to feel more hot, his finger stroked my lower lip, slowly and soft. His eyes staring at my lips so intensively.

"Reid?" I mumbled, my voice weak.

His eyes went back to my eyes but my his hand stayed in place. "Yeah?" He asked.

"You wanna kiss me?" I asked, using all the bravery on me. My body felt full of him, his energy consuming me and making my legs weak, my heart beet and my breathing got hard.

"Yes, please, can I?" He said, so honest and soft, sounding almost like begging for a yes that I just felt like jumping and kissing him. Instead I nodded, my breathing starting go get slow and strong.

He grabbed my jaw, pulling in it up with his thumb and kissed me. Our lips soft and warm against each other, his breathing hitting the side of my face making my legs feel as useless. His tongue was the first to came to action, liking my lower lip. I opened my mouth, my tongue hitting his and then we were nothing but a hot mess.

I throw the cig away, not giving a fuck about not finishing It. I pulled my arms around his neck, moving my hands throw his neck and hair, finding It soft to touch. His arms went around my waist, getting his body closer to mine. He was touching my back and sometimes pulled his hand in my hair, stroking in it. I was stuck while his mouth touched mine in a deeper feeling. I arched my back, my chest pushing his and he took that as an invitation to more because he hugged me closer, now our chest touching and our legs close, while he kisses me and kisses me. He kisses just like he sings, enchanting and inviting, mysterious and slow but in a hot dance that want you to get more and more. I was melted in his arms and my hips moved slowly again his and he grabbed my hip stronger, deeping it the kiss at the time.

Next thing I feel is his leg going between mine and then grabbing my hips to pull them closer to his. I felt his hips move against mine. I wanted to have sex with this stranger and I wanted now. But I didn't know how to asked, so I just enjoyed the closeness and warm kiss that was gonna be the end of me. His hands never touch more than my back and hips and I never took mine away from his neck and hair but we were both so in the mood that our hips keep moving together as we breath out our kissed, softly moaning against our mouths and I enjoyed every raspy moan in the deep of his throat.

I pulled away, feeling a need for a break to breath. He looked straight to me, not going away. We didn't even separe our bodies, we stayed hugged against each other.

He kissed me again. This time strongly and hotter. His tongue going quickly inside of my mouth and massaging it against mine in a slow sexy dance. Our breathings hot and heavy, his hand in my cheek moved slowly to my neck that he touch slowly before slowly riding down my arm. I was starting to get turn on just by a kiss, I'm so lame. I felt his hands move to my hips and bringing them closer, making me give a small moan and I heard a deep grunt in his throat. His mouth took my breath away and I was consumed by everything he was. I almost moaned when I felt him bite my lower lip, keeping it in between his teeth and then letting it go. I stood there, watching his mouth in surprised but also wanting for me. I'm sure he heard the small gasp that leave my mouth. I looked up at his eyes before kissing him again.

It was like I couldn't get enough of the kiss. I wanted to be kissed this way forever, I felt desired and powerful all the time. I heard a moan in the back of his throat when I returned the favor and also bitted his lower lip. His hands grabbed my hips stronger, like he was about to lose control.

He pulled away from the kiss.

"Ress?" He mumbled, out of breath and so hot at the deep soft sound.

"Yeah?" My throat was dry and my lips felt warm.

"You wanna go home with me?" Reid asked, looking into my eyes. A silence and bright beg in them for my answer.

I stayed in silence. I never expected things to go this quick but I wasn't mad about it. I wanted him, so badly,

"Yes." I mumbled, pulling my arms tight around his neck. As soon as I stopped talking, he kissed me again.

I was lost. He had me.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: "Be a Lover"

<3

I tried to memorized really well all the walking distance we made from the party to his apartment. I sent my location to Tina, just preventing anything. We left the party after I stopped to talked to her, Reid went and mumble something to Moshe in his ear. Tina almost screams when I told her I was leaving with Reid.Thank God the music was loud. I never had one of this before... like so quickly, I mean. One night stands, yes, after a date or something. Maybe, was also the fact that I was too quickly attracted to Reid. Usually a guy had to convinced me that I was attracted for me to say yes and he was quickly to do so, can't be blame for that.

Reid told me the walk was short but it felt so long, so slow. I was also too embarrassed to walk fast, I didn't wanted to seem desperate. Even if I lowkey was after all that in the balcony of the party. It took us a long time to stop kissing and leaving the party, everytime we said we were leaving, his mouth felt back to mine again and I couldn't not kiss him back. Until it was enough and we decided to leave.

We were having a slow walk. My favorite type of walk. He offered a cigar and I said yes. At least could help me with how nervous I was getting, the fact that he was a stranger was something I couldn't forget, not only with him but with every person I have ever hooked up with. The good thing about Reid was also that he works in the bar so even if he turned out to be a killer then I had already left enough clues against him. Besides that, I was just nervous every time I had foreplay before sex, I knew I was about to get intimate somehow and that got me chills. Reid putted out his cigar box, pulling two of them out and then both of them were in between his lips. I saw him reach for a lighter in his pocket, and burning the edge of both of them, his Adam's apple moving while he breathed out the smoke. Then, he reached them with his free hand, pulled his head back a little and breathed out a huge cloud of smoke to the dark night. I was so attracted to that, what.

He offered me the one cigar while putting his in his mouth again. I was looking at his lips the whole time i reached for my cigar. I saw him form a small smirked and I immediately looked up to his eyes, feeling embarrassed.

"How long had you lived in the city?" I asked just to break the small silence that had me dying.

"Almost two years now." Reid answered, his voice sounded funny, like he knew what I was doing while asking a random question.

"You must know it really well." I said, breathing the smoke out. I was also curious because I didn't knew the city that much yet, all the time i've been here not only is been little but also full of work.

But I actually got really relief when Reid shrugged and answered "Not really, I spent too much working or with the band or just sleeping." He added with a small laugh. Those lines around his mouth appeared again and I was immediately distracted by them. He noticed me staring at his mouth, for a second time and I looked away so ashamed that I almost hit myself. I stared at the streets, blushing.

"Me too." I said kinda laughing. It was mostly a better laugh than cry type of situation, I was trying so much to sound cool maybe I was ruining.

He looked at me with a frown on his face "You've been living in the city for two years?"

I shaked my head and put my cig away from my mouth. "No, the routine I mean."

He laughed when he realized "Yeah, is the young adult time fun." He rolled his eyes at the irony of the comment and had a sip from his cigar.

The lighting of the street was strong but covered by the big trees. Full of trees and nice lamps were everything we could see beside the buildings. I was looking around distracted from him, memorizing every part of the city that I haven't seen before, until my eyes cough his again and I saw him looking at me. He looked at me more when I wasn't watching, in some way I think I do the same but try my best to hide it. He let's it be, not ashamed of his attraction towards me. He wants me to know it. Good to know he didn't think I was weird for me staring at his mouth.

I gave him a slow smile, acknowledging the gesture.

"You live alone?" I asked. It was one of my usual questions.

"No, Moshe is my roomate." He said with a soft laugh.

"Oh, is he?" I actually tho all them lived together.

"Since we came here." He added, smoke covering this mouth a little while he breathed out at talking. I needed to stop looking at his mouth.

"Élise lives with you guys too?" I asked, smocking the last of my cig and putting it away.

"No, she thinks we are kinda messy." He added, kinda like reading my mind.

I stopped myself from almost gasping. I always put a stop on men that are dirty or just too messy. I'm not the police of cleaning but god damn just try a little.

"What do you mean?" I nervously laughed, hoping for the better and fearing the worst.

He shurred. "Just kinda messy when the work is too much or just after a party, don't know how to explain without telling stories I definitely don't want you to know." He joked. "It would be too embarrassing." He explained, putting a sad gesture as joke.

"So you are not like usually messy?" I tried again, hiding my embarrassment looking at my feet.

He stopped walking and that made me stop too, turning around to look at him. He was giving me a shocked almost fake face. "You think I'm dirty now?"

"No." I said so quickly I laughed.

"I borrowed that to myself, I'm not gonna lie." Reid said, following with a laugh. We were kinda into nervous laughing, I could tell.

"I'm just..." I putted my hands throw my face to hide the embarrassed blush in them "Is a fair question." I defended myself.

"It is, is why i'm embarrassing." He said, taking the whole situation as a joke while I was close to be mortified.

We were too comfortable joking around each other. It was shocking how the attraction we had could translate to different interactions.

We arrived at his building. It was a really beautiful red color bricks old building. No elevator, so a long way stairs up. Reid lived in floor number six. The way up stairs was kinda weird, full of the awkwardness and excitement proper of the occasion. We were in silence, slowly taking the steps up, barely looking at each other and the second our eyes meet we will smile and look away. The tension was so strong and intimidating.

We were both breathing too heavily when we arrived.

"It doesn't matter how many times I go up them, is always a nightmare." He said, looking in his pockets for his keys.

I nodded in a tired move. Yes I was walking a lot lately but I was also so tired of it. It was definitely a full time job.

He opened the door to his apartment and invited me in with a gesture with his hand. His place was bigger than mine, for sure. It was also a shared place so it made sense. Kitchen in the left, living room in the right with a small balcony and in between them, a small hall that connected the two rooms and the shared bathroom. It was really nice. Reid asked me to take off my shoes at the door.

"For cleaning reasons." He said. I did the same at mine's but didn't mentioned it.

We walked to the living room. It was full of music and a full band set up in the corner next to the balcony door. There was a big sofa too and a nice and small tv. It was definitely adaptable to student life budget but nice put. I couldn't see any dirt till the moment which was good.

"Do you want something?" Reid asked, putting his flannel off and looking straight at me. I was sure he knew what he was doing.

"Water." I answered, playing with my hands because I didn't knew what to do with them.

He let me alone in the living room. I walked around, watching a little more close their music collection. It was mostly vinyl which not surprised me at all. I was interested in their taste, wanting to wander around their references for music or if we had some similar selections. It was actually a full complete mix so I looked around trying to find something that I liked. I also looked around looking for a record player and it was well put in a small table next to the drawer where they kept the vinyls. Reid came back almost immediately, handing me a glass of water while having one glass himself. I took it, giving him a smile and trying my best not to touch him to not get electrocuted. I failed.

"Thank you." I said, my voice shifted in a way it sounded so weak for some unknown reason.

Reid smiled and walked to the sofa. I followed him and seated next to him. I wasn't as close and he noticed, moving closer without any shame while leaving his now empty glass on the table.

"How old are you?" He casually asked, putting his hand throw my hair again. His eyes were to my neck and I got chills.

"I'm twenty one." I answered and then asked him back just to say something.

"I'm twenty two." He answered too, and pulled himself closer. I finished my water, feeling my throat go sore for the emotions in my stomach.

"Where are you from?" He asked, his fingers slowly moving to my cheek and his eyes covered my whole body. I looked back at him.

"Outside the city." I said vaguely, trying to not make it a big deal. Also, hopping the ignore the subject because i definitely didn't wanted to talk about it.

He nodded slowly, thinking for a second and the he smiled slowly. "Yeah, me too."

For some reason, we understood each other even if we knew nothing about the other. It was like an invisible connection, a quiet scream of I get you and maybe that was why we were so into each other. I putted my glass of water next to his and then seated back, my back laying in the sofa and looking at his eyes. We were close but kinda trying to figure out how to get closer. Reid's hair fell a little into his face, moving in his cheekbone. I putted my hand up, taking in it with my fingers and stroking it. I dared to looked at him and the burn on his eyes melted me in a way I couldn't understand.

Reid was the one that moved forward and kissed me. His lips soft but desperate in mine. His hand move from my cheek to my jaw and then traced it way down my neck where his finger slowly touched the skin, like looking for my heart beat. My hands were in his hair, moving them as fast as the feelings in my core. It was starting to affect me for real, specially now that we were actually alone. The kiss became messy, his tongue going inside my mouth and making me feel weak, I was trying so hard to kiss him as intensively. Our noses will touch each other in a soft caress while our lips and tongues danced together in a sensual pray.

Reid pulled away, breathing heavy and putting his hands in my hips, stroking them.

"Let me know if... is moving too fast or... anything, let me know." He said, looking at me with honesty in his eyes.

"Is okay..." I said, my voice in a murmur thanks to me being breathless. His lips took my breath away.

He gave me a small smile when he heard me and standed up, pulling me by my hand. We walked to his room, the one in the right side of the apartment. Reid opened the door and turn the lights on. I was also lowkey expecting a mess but it wasn't, not if we ignore the pile of clothes in a corner because I keep a similar one. He had a big bed in the center of the room, a guitar laying in the floor and a bookshelf next to a desk full of note books. He was a real writer.

I heard him close the door behind me and I stayed still, not knowing how to move in a space that wasn't mine. Reid putted his hands around my waist from behind me. His chin rested on my shoulder and I felt his breathing in my ear. "See any mess you should worry about?" He mumbled in my ear. My shoulders shake a little when I tried to hide my snore. "No, is okay."

Reid's hands traveled from my stomach to my waist and then down my things and touching my legs. "What do you want?" He mumbled.

I was surprised of hearing the question, not something I heard a lot in my life. I turned around, looking at him. His eyes had got dark and his lips were parted, he kept his arms around me, now squeezing my hips. I trailed my hands up his chest till I reached his neck and let my arms go around it. My eyes never left his the whole time. My face was close to his and I got closer, our lips together but we were not kissing.

"You." I said, trying my best to look provocative.

He gave me a smirk and traced his nose against mine. "I can be many things."

My words were kinda stuck on my throat because I wasn't used to talk when about to have sex or during, even. I pushed away my shy self, knowing I was already there and I wanted to enjoyed it. I decided not to ruin this for myself.

"Well... aren't you guys called Lovers?" I asked lowly, my hands playing with the hair of his neck. "I want you to be a Lover." I mumble carefully while paying attention to his reaction.

His mouth opened in a small moan and I was happy I got the reaction that I wanted. Next thing I know, his hands grab my head and pulls me close to him. We kissed messy and quickly, our hands touching each other. I traced his chest and shoulders, taking my time to touch his hips. Reid wasn't shy. His hands squeezed my hips and then moved down to grab my ass in a hard squeeze and then one of his hand when up, tracing my whole hips and back until he found my breast and touched so gently and soft, to the grab it so hard that I moan in his mouth.

His hand in my ass helped him to put our hips closer, stroking my center against his now obvious hard on in his pants. I circled my hips against his, wanting to feel him closer to me. I feel Reid go tense and then both of his hands grab my thighs, pulling my up and making me put my legs around his hip. Now my core is really touching his and I moan loudly at the pleasure feeling. My nails start tracing down his neck and shoulders in a bad effort to grab onto something. His mouth leaves mine and goes to my neck while he walks to the walk next to the door, pressing me against it and our hips making a mess to each other.

I was getting so hot, feeling myself get so turn on by him. Reid's tongue was moving in my neck, leaving open mouth kisses and my breathing was getting harder. I moaned, crossing my legs stronger around his hips. He moaned at the feeling of our centers closer and I fell in love with the sound of him in pleasure. It made me things.

Reid pulled his forehead against mine, looking at me while trying to normalize our breathings. "You want a lover, uh, love?" He asked, his voice was raspier now. "I can be that for you." He kissed me in a slow and hot move, pulling away when I tried to kiss him harder. "Are you gonna be a lover to me?" His questions came as a beg.

"Yes." I breathed out leaning forward to kiss him, wanting more.

He kissed me back and then said during kisses. "Tell me."

I was kinda confused at the amount of conversation but if it worked for him... "I want to be a lover for you." I mumbled against his lips, my voice low and deeply affected by the situation.

He looked at me with a smile and then kissed me. This time, he started walking with my still hung up to him. Reid seated in the bed in the center of his room. Our hips ketp moving and we moaned while our lips crashed together. I felt his hands go up my back, trying to catch the edge of my crop top. He pulled it up, his other hand stroking my back. I pulled my hands up and broke the kiss to help him take it off. When I was already only wearing a bra, I leaned down to kiss his jaw before going down to his neck. I wanted him to feel as I was. About to faint if he kept touching me.

He grabbed my ass again, rolling our hips in a sensual move and I moaned against his neck. He pulled his head back, moaning as his hands were still moving my hips. I was ruining my underwear at this point. Reid started to pulled the zipper of my skirt down and I moved to kiss his lips before standing up. Reid looked at me with his eyes full of sins and his lips red and parted for the kissing. His chest moving in a heavy breathing. I was so intimidated by him, who didn't seem to want to look away at all. I pulled my hands up my waist, grabbing my skirt and started to pull it down, moving my hips a little to make it ease. I was looking down the whole time, trying not to affect myself by his gaze. When I stood straight he trailed his eyes down my whole body in a slow moment that felt like ages, I was being so detailed look at that I felt shivers down my body. I walked closer to him and Reid putted his hands up, touching my clavicules and them trailed them down to my breast. His eyes were on my chest, looking at it so intensively.

"So beautiful..." He mumbled, his eyes mesmerized at the look of my half naked body.

He grabbed my hips, putting me back on top of him. I gasp at the shift and grabbed his shoulder to stabilize myself. One of his hands went to my hair, taking in all into his fist, making me gasp. The other went down the cup of my bra, pulling it down until one of my breast was out. He looked my in the eye before pulling my hair, making my head go back, arching my back. Then, his mouth was in my breast, leaving wet and hot kissed. I grabbed his hair, stroking it in pleasure.

"Oh..." I managed to mumble.

His mouth played with my nipple and then sucked into it, making me moan and move my hips strongly. It was being soft with his tongue and then he'll suck on it, sending electric shocks straight to my body. I opened the bra, wanting it away from me and Reid was quick to help me getting it off, his mouth in the same place in my breast making me weak. He pulled away just to give me a small and gentle kiss in the center of my chest and then going for the other breast, sucking into it just as sensually and slowly, using his hand to touch the one were his lips laid before. I was close to be done.

I traced my hands through his back in soft strokes, putting his shirt up slowly. He pulled away from my breast, reaching my hands and helping me to put his shirt off. He had a lot of small and medium tattoos in his chest and arms, making him look so hot. I took a look at him, his long hair was getting messy and some of it was stick to his forehead due to sweat, his breathing was fast and his cheeks were red. He was so hot. I reached for his arms but he hugged me closer, our naked chests collapsing with each other and Reid moaned close to my mouth at the feeling. It was warm and electrifying.

I was about to kiss him when he moved his whole body around, making my back now hit the bed and he was on top of me.

"Are you feeling it, love?" He asked while moving in top of my, his hands touching my legs.

I didn't know what he meant exactly but I guess I was feeling it. So I nodded.

"Are you not gonna talk to me, love?" He said to my ear, sending shivers through my body. I frowned, not getting it. I usually didn't talk to the people I sleep with, just a casual hook up, what's there to say? I don't think that much. Reid however seen to be into dirty talk and even though I've never done it, I will give it a try but I just didn't know how.

"I asked..." He looked me in the eye while his fingers touch my core, moving my clit in circles, making me moan. "Are you feeling it, love?"

"Yes." I moaned, my hips were a mess, moving closer to his fingers.

"How does it feel?" His voice was low like a breath away from the pleasure, so seducing. How did he do it. That and his slow finger play in my center was ending me.

"Is... good." Fuck I was so bad at that.

"Only good?" He mocked, his fingers going slower now.

I whined and putted my hands on his hair, pulling in a beg. "Is really good."

"Yeah?" He grounded, racing his brow when his fingers moved faster. I moaned a yeah to his lips, being distracted by his lips in mine moving in open kisses and hot sucking. His fingers kept moving in circles down my core and he moved to kiss my breast now. His hand touching and grabbing it every sensible aspect of my nipple and the using his mouth, making me whine and beg in a desperate move. I was more than turned on at his point. He kissed both of my breast, slowly sucking and grabbing into them, probably leaving a few marks here and there.

He looked into my eyes when he started to move his body down, placing his shoulders between my open legs. He traced my whole torso with his hands while moving down, making sure to touch every part of my body so intensely.

"Are you wet for me?" I heard him say while his nose trace the border of my underwear and then my pubis.

"Yes." I breathed out.

"Tell me." He humble, his lips now tracing my core over my underwear. I moved my hips against him.

"I said yes." So bad at it, fuck.

A raspy and low laugh came from his cheat, sending vibrations to my body. He looked up, our eyes meeting. I was kinda embarrassed I was slow to follow the talk but Reid gave me a dark and hot smirk, one that got me so weak and ready the second I saw it.

"Tell me, love, are you wet for me?" His eyes were burning into mine while he talked.

"Yes, I'm wet for you." I said, almost too quickly as if I was excited I found the good answer.

Reid gave me another smirk and he kneeled in the bed, his knees between my legs. He putted one of my legs in his shoulder, turning to the side to give it a kiss, right in my ankle and then moving down leaving small kissed until my inner thighs making me moan and grab the bed sheet because I need it.

His lips sucked into the skin of my inner thighs, I could felt the mark that could show up tomorrow but it felt so good I didn't care. He could do that to me any time. Sucking my skin as if it was delicious to taste and then giving gently hot kisses. He was way too good at this.

"Please..." I moaned, feeling so bad for the heat in my core being ignore.

I felt him smile against my skin. His hands go up my hips, taking my underwear and taking it off me, leaving me naked in his bed. I was kinda nervous every time someone watched me full naked, a weird feeling of insecurity. "Fuck, Ress." He said, looking into my core, not being shy for it. Two of his fingers traced it down making me whine, moving my hips against the bed. "So wet for me." He mumbled and I melted.

Then, Reid's tongue traced the same way his fingers did. I moaned, loud. Long, slow and hot he moved his tongue up and down my center making my whole body feel weak. I looked down to him, finding him watching up to me the whole time. I kept my eyes on his while and I putted one of my hands around his neck, softly stroking it. His mouth grabbed my hips, squeezing them when he started to deeply kiss into my heat. My head went back, moaning at the pleasure. His two hands grabbed my ass, pulling me up to his mouth and then I was dying from pleasure in such a quick and fantastic way while the kissed got deeper into me, moving his tongue into my clit so fast and the sucking it between his lips. He grounded and moaned, enjoying himself while his mouth kissed and sucked every pleasure of my body. I pulled my hands in his hair, grabbing into it strongly and moaning over and over.

"Reid..." I gasp into the hot air of the room, my legs moving in his shoulders.

His tongue was quick and playful, adding so much pleasure into my clit and then going down tracing the tongue into the entrance and then up to my clit and again, and again. He traced his tongue quickly against my clit.

"Oh, oh, oh" I kept moaning, about to lose my mind.

He stopped, making me whine, and looked up to me. "Is it good, love?" His lips were red and dirty, his hair was messy, short hair falling into his forehead.

"Yes!" I said quickly and grabbed his hair harder in a beg.

"You want some more?" He said with a playful smirk.

"Yes, please" I whined and putted my legs around his neck.

Reid gave me a hot last look before going down and moving his mouth full open all over my core over, destroying me with his tongue. I was so wet, making a whole mess on his face but way too turned on to even feel mortified for it. Reid seen to enjoyed it. His hips were moving against the bed while his hands squeezed so hard into my ass. I closed my legs stronger around his neck, feeling them go tense while he didn't gave me a break. My hair pulled his hair almost too harsh and I felt my orgams like a bomb, exploiting trough me in a surprising second.

"Reid, fuck... oh!" I moaned while arching my back, moving my hips against his face. I was floating and I was crashing at the same time, bliss going through my body.

His mouth kept moving into me, making the feeling so strong and almost overwhelming. I whined, pulling away from him because it was getting to strong to handle. Reid pulled back, tracing his mouth to my inner thighs, up my belly, breast and then, grabbed my chin to give a open mouth kiss. Full tongues and messy breaths. I tasted myself in his messy lips while sharing with him probably the hottest kiss.

"Was I a lover to you, Ress?" He asked against my lips.

"Yes..." I managed to said trying to recover from my high.

"You want me to keep being a lover?" His hands were moving up and down my hips and breaths.

"Yes, please..." I gave a small moan while tracing his shoulders with my hands, still tired from my climax.

Reid smirked and gave a slow kiss, slow and full of sexual tension. How was he so good at this.

Then, he pulled away to stood up in front of the bed. I laid naked and breathless, watching him open his bell in a slow move. His eyes were still on my body while he pulled the bell off and opened his pants to put them off. I used my hand to help me seat, keeping my eyes up to his looking so submissive from this position. Is not like I've done this a lot but I liked that he was... playful before the whole sex thing. It was a good turn on and I wanted to give back the favor, hoping to do it right. I traced his tattoed body with my eyes, finding more tattoos in his legs and hips. He pulled a hand over his hard erection when my eyes moved down. I seated straight, pulling my hands up to his hips. He looked at my eyes with burning desire and impatient as I putted my hand inside his boxers, stroking his cock in slow movements. I heard him gasp. I put his cock out of his boxers, watching it hard and wet for the pre cum in the deep red tip. I kept moving my hand around it, moving my eyes up to his gaze. Reid was open mouthed moaning while looking down at where my hand moved.

In a quick move, I traced my tongue over his tip in a slow movement. I felt his hands grabbing my hair while he groaned. I looked down to see him focus on me so I moved forward, putting the whole tip inside my mouth.

"Fuck me..." He whimpers and closes his eyes.

I kept my eyes on him when I started to put his cock deeper in my mouth. I was moving slow because I wasn't sure if it would fit all. I moved my hand around it, stroking it trying to help it feel more pleasurable. Reid moaned again, his fingers getting tense in my hair and his hips moving in. I was started to get turn on just by the exciting sounds he was letting out. I've never been with a guy that made so many noises and I found it so hot watching him get lost in pleasure. Reid pants into the air, his mouth open and his eyes close. I moved more confidently, sucking him in and out, moving my tongue around it and doing my best to breath from my nose. He groans and then, pulls out the boxers down his hips, kicking them away with his feet to then watch into my eyes, intensive and inviting, while grabbing my hair more strongly, making me whine at the sweet pain.

"Keep going, love." He said with a smirk.

I moved my hand faster while I try to use my tongue over his tip to then suck it into my mouth. A deep moan came from his throat, his head was pull back, lost in the pleasure while I suck him in my mouth. I got lost the vision of his moaning and making sexy gestures, his mouth open in a need for air. Reid looked so hot while being in pleasure, the vein in this neck, his arms and stomach getting tense and his chest going up and down following his heavy breathing. Brows frown, neck exposed and Adam's aple moving down when he chokes with his own breathing while his eyes shut close to his high...

"Fuck!" He says suddenly and pulls me away from him. Reid leads down, kissing my mouth in a open kiss full of whimpers and heavy breathings. "Such a good lover..." He mumbles against my lips before kissing me some more.

"Why you stop?" I asked him.

Reid just smile and gave me a small pek before standing and searching for something in the drawers of the small table next to his bed. I lean back on my palms again, catching my breath, feeling kinda dizzy for the whole situation. I watched Reid pulled out a condom and then putting it on. When he was done, he looked down to me with me a smirk, his eyes traveling down my body.

Reid pulled his hand up, tracing his fingers through my cheek and then my lips, his thumb tracing my bottom lip in a slow move and his eyes followed his actions. How could I not be affected by that.

"Is a lover soft or is a lover rough?" He mumbled, his eyes fusioning in mine.

"What..." I felt weird again, trying to keep up with his dirty thoughts.

"Is a lover soft or is a lover rough?" He repeats in the same deep tone.

I started at him for a second before realizing what he wanted me to say. I was thinking about what could sound more seductive, not wanting to fucked it up. Also, hating my brain for not thinking fast in this situations, so I said what I was feeling...

"Is both." I said, sounding breathless. Honestly, the fact that we were moving into softly seducing each other to quickly take us to pleasure is really exciting.

Reid closed his eyes and moaned. I wanted to crossed my legs at the look of him. When he opened his eyes, the dark feeling of his eyes full of sins was strong. "All fours, love."

I moved awkwardly over the bed, shifting my positions until I was hands and knees in the bed. I was anticipating his touch but the shivers I felt shocked me when his hands traveled down my spine to my ass, grabbing one of the cheeks to give it a squeeze and then giving a small spank that makes me gasp. One of his hands keeps squeezing my skin and then I slowly feel his tip touch my core. I moan and moved my hips back to feel it closer but Reid grabs my hip, squeezing it.

"Still, love..." He said and his hips moved forward slowly, pushing into me little by little until he was all inside of me. I heard him moan when he circles his hips. "Ress..." He groans.

I feel him grab my hips and then starts pushing into me, at a slow but deep moves. I pulled my head back, looking over my shoulder to see him. He was looking just where our bodies hit together and his mouth was parted while he gasp into the air. Reid starts to bust into me, in a hot and slow rhythm that makes his hips slowly hit my ass as I try to keep up, my head falling down at the pleasure. I whine feeling the deep sensations he was waking up in me. His breathing got me distracted, the heavy pants he gave got me haunted, feeling so turn on by his moans, by his words. I arch my back, pressing my fingers hard into the sheets. Reid moans and squeezes my hip, starting to move a little faster but still so deep.

It feels like I couldn't have enough, like I needed this strong feeling in a even strong way. I started to move back, arching my back and hitting my hips against his. Reid leans over, his chest touching my back.

"You want more, love?" He whisper against my ear, his voice sounds more raspy

"Yes" I answer still moving my hips back, feeling him deep inside of me.

"Tell me." He said, leaving soft kisses against my ear.

"I want more" I whine, feeling my throat sore for my constant gasping.

He pulls away, his hips starting to moving in fast bust, hitting mine in a rhythm that got me sinking my face to the bed, moaning loudly while feeling the pleasure go up my whole body. Reid groans a lot, every deep push comes with a hot and deep sound of pleasure out of him. One of his hands grabs my shoulder, pushing me down strongly against him.

"Fuck!" I scream into the sheets feeling him go into me so harshly.

I feel Reid squeezing my hip harder, painting as he fucks hard into me. His fingers pressing into my skin while our body collapsed with each other I moan into the bed, trying not to be so loud. His hips crash into mine, hitting my all the good spots inside me, feeling it so deeply.

"You like it, love?" He asks, slapping my ass making me whine and yelp in surprise.

I didn't know if I could talk, he was stealing all my breathing, I was gasping my way out of this.

"I... i like it." I manage to say. My elbows were pressed in the bed while I hold myself.

"How much?" Reid slapped my ass again and a burning feeling growing up in my skin that made me feel his hip crash deeper. This was the best sex I've had till now. I whined, moving against him. "Tell me love, how much do you like it?" His hands grab my ass, using it as balance to push into me.

"A lot..." I painted, feeling breathless "I like it a lot." I was getting too breathless to speak, my mind was blur in the delicious lunges.

I feel one of his hands go up to my hair, pushing it away, letting my neck exposed. He leaded down, chest press against my back and hips moving in the same quick beat, kissing my exposed neck, sucking my skin. His hands go up to my breast, pressing my nipples between his fingers every time his hips hit mine. I screamed a breathless beg, arching my back and giving him more space to kiss my neck. I looked back, watching him as he uses my chest as a grab to move easily into me. I saw his face go red and his lips part, his hot breaths hitting my shoulder. Our eyes meet in a hot bubble where our eyes just encouraged our hips to move strongly. Reid grabbed one of his hand around my jaw and leaned to give me a open mouth kiss. I moan into his mouth, being to breathless for this. Then, I feel him touch my clit and my hips snap.

"Be a lover for me and come, love." He mumble into my lips, kissing my softly as he destroys me with his hips and fingers.

The hard moves made me moan, closing my eyes feeling so close to be done. My whole body felt tense and warm, my hips keep following the rhythm, my legs felt weak and soon to give up. I screamed into Reid's mouth to then fall into the bed, moaning and screaming into the sheets when his fingers moved faster against me and rocked his hips faster, I was being so loud and totally lost to even think about it.

"Oh...oh... oh, fuck... Reid..." He fucked me out of my mind, loving every deep brust and the way they touched every pleasurable spot.

He groans into my ear while he pushes against me in hard moves, his grip in my hips getting tighter, I was maybe getting marks there. A few rough more bust and I screamed into the bed, feeling my whole body go tense and then explode into the pleasure. I couldn't stop moaning not only for the orgams going trought me but the quick crashes of Reid's hips against mine still, fucking me along my whole orgasm making my toes curl and my eyes snap shut.

"Oh fuck me, Ress..." He groaned in my ear while his hips smack into my ass. "Oh, fuck me..."

I heard the deep groan in his throat and with a last brust he moan, burying his face into the crotch of my neck. His orgams crashes his body, making him go all breathless and weak. His hips rolled against mine slowly till they stopped. He rested against me, both of us conscious that we weren't in the more comfortable position but way too tired yet. A minute, or more, after I feel him move, his hands softly stroking my hips while he pulls out of me. I gasp, feeling way too sensible there.

I stay in bed, now resting my knees and laying on my stomach. Reid disappear for a second and then rest next to me, he pulled the condom off and now he is trying to keep his breathing normal. We stay in silence, staring at each other while our heavy pants fill the room. I notice his face getting tired, his eyes now small and his cheek red in a blush, parted red lips and messy hair falling down his sweaty forehead. He was so gorgeous.

He gave me a small smile and stroked my hair behind my ear. "Was I a lover, Ress?" He mumbled.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: "Bad guy."

 <3

I was almost falling asleep when Reid woke me up. His hair was messy, falling on his red tired eyes, his mouth was red and dirty. Feeling kinda dizzy I still let him took me to the bathroom and when the bright white light went on, everything changed. I felt exposed, bunch of random eyes on me and I felt like covering my naked body. Reid was cleaning himself, moving around getting me a towel. I was feeling was too shy to even start cleaning in front of him, feeling bad for staring at him while he got cleaned and frustrated because my head was ruining a good moment. I felt like needing a time alone and Reid noticed, when I couldn't help myself and I covered my chest with my arms.

"I'll give you privacy." Reid gave me a sympathetic smile.

I felt my cheeks burn but I still smiled back at him. "Thank you." I mumbled.

He left me alone, walking around naked as if was nothing because, duh, we just had sex. We are supposed to already not deal with the awkwardness of the first intimate moment. I cleaned myself after I pee, kinda ashamed when I realize how sore I was. Definitely the best sex I had but it wasn't something I'll mention to Reid, specially when actually talking about sex in any context with him now was something I didn't wanted to even think about. I can't think of a more embarrassing situation, even if half an hour ago I was enjoying sex with him.

Now, in my mind, everything was different and all my body could feel it.

When I stepped outside, Reid wasn't in the room and I sighed in relief to be able to put my clothes on in private.

My clothes was still in the floor, spread around in the passion that it was throw. My underwear was ruined so I had to not use it at all. This walk of shame was gonna be an adventure. I've always felt kinda confused at the end of sex, maybe because I overthink the situation a lot, or maybe the internalized slut shame behaviour that haunted me. I was kinda hearing the terrible voice whispering how shameful it is that I had sex with someone I met a week ago, only twice talked to him. Shame.

"You are nothing but a whore, Ress." Over and over again in my head.

The horrible stomach ache started and I felt my cheeks turn red, feeling exposed and kinda anxious of feeling judge for invisible eyes. How was it possible that I did such thing as enjoy sex...

"Hey" I heard.

I woke up from my train of thought and looked up at Reid. He was leading against the frame of the door, wearing his old clothes and his hair was still kinda messy.

"You looked... kinda worry, are you okay?" His expression was full of worry or maybe I was reaching.

"I'm fine." I lied. "Is just that... is really late." I mentioned. It was kinda early morning and outside was cold. I needed to get home soon or the sun was gonna rise.

He pulled up his brows "Oh, you wanna go now?" He pulled his hand up, showing me a joint between his fingers. "I was gonna invite you."

I couldn't say no to that. Specially because distractions were my only copying mechanism. Being high to avoid the intrusive thoughts that hunted me after sex sounded great.

Reid gave me one of his hoodie when he noticed how simple my outfit because the wind was strong and the early morning was cold. He guided me to the balcony in the living room and we seated in the small chairs that were there, around a pretty circular table with an astray in the center. The city was kinda going to sleep and waking up at the same time. It was such a strange time of the day, the wind was cold and for some reason my skin kinda felt used in a good way and in a bad one.

"You are quiet." Reid mentioned. He eyes were on me while he played with the lighter between his fingers, holding the joint in his lips.

"Oh, am I?" I pulled my eyebrows up, didn't noticed when I was so much in my head.

He frowned and leaded forward to me "Did I did something to make you uncomfortable?" A worried expression was on his face.

I quickly shaked my head "No, not at all." It wasn't about him and I couldn't figure what it was either. "Just... too much in my head, maybe I just need a distraction." I changed the subject.

Reid gave me a last look before lighting the fire and putting it close to the edge of the joint, slowly suking into it to burn it on. The fire was off and he kept sucking the smoke to then putted out and hold his head up, the smoke leaving in the dark sky. He gave me the joint, his eyes burn into mine I felt my hand shake when I took it. How was I possible that I was feeling bad about having sex with him but I was also feeling so attracted to him...

I pulled the joint between my lips and gave it a sip, feeling the smoke fill my throat and the into my lungs, to then leave it out. Reid putted his shoulder in the table, resting his cheek to his hand and his hair slowly moving with the wind. Somehow that made him look even more attractive.

"So... why do you like to paint?" Reid asked, in a normal curiosity.

I shrugged. "I kinda being studying it since I was a child and..." I casually putted my hair behind my ear. "I used to hated it because I wasn't good at it but when I finally learn it I enjoyed it very much. Little by little it became my favorite thing because is... the closest to what my head is seeing"

He nodded, taking the joint I handed him back. "Sounds realistic." Reid murmured before taking a sip from the joint.

I leaned in the table, resting both of my elbows in the table, my hands cold hands in my warm cheeks. "Why do you like to write?"

Reid gave me a smile with the joint still between this lips. He pulled it out, handing it to me. "My dad used to be a writer."

"Oh was he? What did he write?" I asked, holding the joint close to my face.

He casually putted his feet close to mine and I felt my body tense "Mostly short stories and some poetry. But he was also a full time reader, name a book and he read it," He looked comfortable talking about his dad, keeping a soft expression and a chill smile.

"He sounds smart." I gave a sip to the joint.

Reid gave a smile. "He would never admitted it."Now his feet was touching mine, being directed by the contact. "So... are you uncomfortable?"

I coughed, feeling the smoke getting stuck in my throat. It wasn't the questions itself what shocked me, it was the memories that it bring out. I usually kept my dark thoughts deep inside my brain, hoping they disappear with time. Reid's hand was immediately on my back, gently padding. "Are you okay?" He asked, thinking my cough is because of the smoke

"I'm fine" I managed to said, keeping my hand in my mouth and hadding the joint to him. I pulled myself together and seated straight. "I'm sorry about that."

He gave me a chill smile. "Are you? You look tense" He asked again.

I looked down my hands, feeling uncomfortable. "It just cold."

"It is" He nods and his body moves closer to mine, his hand stroking my shoulder and back.

"You are not used to cold weather." He tells me seconds later

"Not at all.”

His body gets closer to mine and I feel his urge to bring some heat to my body. But the idea makes me nervous, considering he was successful at getting me hot before.

I breather the smoked out and watched the sky getting a soft dark blue. The sunrise was coming soon. I handed the joint back to him.

"I should go."

Reid frowned "Now?

"I mean... is kinda getting late and, well, I guess Moshe is coming at some point." I added, trying not to make it weird.

"He's staying with Élise tonight." He mentioned lowly, avoiding my eyes as if he was ashamed. I think he was blushing... "I asked him, to not make you uncomfortable."

I was glad. Probably the most disturbing thing that could happen to me is someone listening to me having sex or even watching me.

"Thank you for that." He offered the joint again and I declined it, already feeling high. "I should... anyway, leave... before the sunrise."

Reid nodded, smoking the rest of the joint and then turned it off in the ashtray. "I'll walk you." He added, the smoke leaving his mouth in a smooth move.

I felt mortified, feeling ashamed of walking with him. I was kinda not feeling like it seeing him more... it was hard to explain but it was kinda the reason why I only had one night stands, I didn't have to see the person before. And now... I was kinda mad with myself because maybe I fucked up... maybe hooking up with that I have to see every weekend is not a good thing. Walking alone was the best for me now, hoping to clear my thoughts from whatever crazy thing was already my head overthinking.

"Oh, no, you don't have to." I said.

"Is really late, you don't know the city a lot." Reid said, sounding like trying to make a point.

I shrugged "I know how to get home." I actually did, I always found my way back.

Reid eyes moved through my whole tensioned body, I was trying to stay as far from him and my arms were around my body, covering myself. He noticed that I really wanted to go on my own or maybe he thought I was uncomfortable, and both were right.

"You are also high..." He added in a slow tone.

I wa getting frustrated at that point. Maybe something about people not thinking I'm able to do something that makes me go so mad. I knew he was trying to take care of me somehow, but I was just not in the mood. It was hard to explain and I just wanted to go home and be left alone.

"I'll be fine, really..." I said, softly. "Is not like I haven't done this before." I tried to not sound as annoying as I was feeling, hoping to not be rude.

"Sure, I'll walk you to the door, then." He finally gave up after a long silence.

I immediately felt my shoulders relax, didn't noticing before I was so tense. Maybe Reid did noticed and that's why he stopped insisting. We walked to the door, where he offered to hold my hand while I putted my shoes on and I was about to reject him before I almost fall into the floor. Maybe I did needed help but also the shoes were kinda hard to put on. When I finally stood straight I reached the edge of the gray hoodie, ready to put it off. Then, his hands fell on me, stopping me.

"Don't. Is cold outside, you should keep it." Reid said softly. His hands were warm.

Is not like he was kinda starting to freaked me out but... yeah a little. I was getting mad with myself, suddenly I was becoming this annoying overthinker. But somehow the fact that he was so worried... that has never happen before. Usually the guys I hook up with don't even blink at me twice when I'm leaving, and the girls just say goodbye. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself and thinking so much about the kindness, but it was just quick. The whole situation kinda was making me sweat out of stress.. I was torturing myself, being hard on every decision I was making as if I needed to keep a good track for someone.

"Hey." I heard. "Is just a hoodie, Ress, okay? Is just cold outside." Reid said, as if he could read my mind. Somehow that freak me out more.

"Thank you." I said, awkwardly. I took my bag from the floor. "And... it was nice... thanks..." I added, completing conscious that I sounded like a total idiot but I couldn't help it.

"Thank you, too." Reid said, smiling. "Be safe." He added and squeezed my arm in a friendly touch, taking me for surprise.

I waved weirdly and then walked out, hearing the door getting close behind me.

I walked home feeling way too distracted with my thoughts to be cold, ashamed for not be wearing underwear under my skirt or the fact that the sunrise was about to rise and I was just walking home. I was so embarrassed and I couldn't understand exactly why. This wasn't the first time this happen, it was kinda like the usual reaction I get even if I did had a good time. It wasn't a feeling about the experience, it was about me... being sensual, being into sex, daring to enjoy a sex life. It was like, yes, I could understand that there was nothing wrong with having sex, is the reason why I keep having it. It just... I can't help it. Can't help my brain from repeating old conversations, old screams and shameful comments. All that judgement. Fingers point at me, such a shame. The only walk of shame I was having was me torturing myself on the way home.

"You are nothing but a whore, Ress."

The moment I closed the door of my house, I realize how tired I was. My legs felt weak, I was feeling cold and my body was full of shivers. My feet hurt, the amount of hours of work and walks accumulated in then. A headache was starting in my forehead, just above my eyes. I was tired and sleepy which was a problem because my house was a mess, I had dirty dishes from the rush dinner I had cuz I was running late to work, got distracted painting. My clothes were throw everywhere in the small couch I had next to the big window and my bed was undone.

I took my shoes off, throwing then away and letting my feet rest. I put my bag down and debated if I should take a shower or not, to later decided that I just had to. I still kinda smell like... sex. And like Reid, a lot considering I was still wearing his hoodie. My hair was also messy and, despite the cold, I was sweaty. I walked to my small bathroom, it had a small shower and not a lot space to move but it worked and that was enough. I took a look in the mirror and I felt.... ashamed, suddenly a lot of eyes stared on my direction and the mouths mumble words and word of shame. What a shame... look at you, Ress.

My hair was a mess, even if I tried to fix it before I left. But that wasn't it. It was my tired eyes, my red cheeks, my swallow lips and my neck... The hickeys started to show more now and they were a lot. I forgot to mention him not to... Now, I felt stomach sick. It was there, marked in my skin my behaviour. Everyone would take a look at it and it would be an scandal. Is tattooed on me or at least for a few days. I took the hoodie and crop top off, putting it in the basket of dirty clothes. I look up and down to myself and I noticed the other marks in my body... they were everywhere. My collar bone, my boobs, my chest. I took my skirt off, wanting to see if my body had any other mark. His fingers were marked in my hips, they were small marks but they were there, five shades of fingers where he grabbed me while he was... Nevermind. My inner thighs had purple and red marks as well and I was ashamed to remember pretty well which one was his fingers and which one was his mouth. I felt a warm in my core at the flashbacks of the night, shaking my head when I realize what was I doing.

I was kinda in shock. I glanced at myself... full of marks of a night that was the best sex I've ever had. I had a great time, Reid was nice and passionate, I was so excited for it to happen and I ended up enjoying it, so... Why was I feeling so ashamed for it? It was unfair, ruining this experiences for me, always making it more than it was. But my annoying anxiety of someone actually shaming me for my sexual life was... well, scary. So I was in that place after a hookup where i'm just trying to not be so hard on myself just for having sex, sadly it always took a couple of days.

I was under the hot water when I finally let myself cry. More than sad, I was angry. I hated how my brain destroyed a nice experience like finally having sex with someone decent or just the fact that at least I had a nice moment, how was it possible that I could think that way of myself...Obviously I talked about this with Cassie and she had a lot to say about it but the last advice is always to go to therapy and... I can't afford it. Is either that or the rent of the month. Is not my fault, I didn't make the system. Also, already having the memories haunting me is enough for me not being so excited about telling my issues to a stranger. I just have to deal with it, slowly calming myself down and slowly remembering that it was okay. Or that it will be.

It usually lasted just a couple of days, maybe four if I'm too bad but no more than that. Different things helped. Having Tina and Lisa validating my sexual life and actually hearing my sex experience as something normal and not something to be a shame was always good. I knew the second I get to tell them about it my brain will be better. I tried to get my breathing normal while I thought about every other time I told them about a one night stand and their usually comments after it. They have never shame me for having a sex life, never once making me feel about a bad experience. Maybe that why I liked the work so much, having two good friends was good for me. I went to bed with my wet hair in a towel and a big shirt over my body. The sun was already up, shining through my window. I could hear the people already walking up and my up door neighbor doing their usual loud morning routine. I layed in bed, closing my eyes feeling really tired because of my running head. Putting my arm over my eyes to avoid the sunlight, I let out a sigh hoping to feel better later .

Maybe I just needed some sleep.

I woke up not feeling better, close to 2pm. I spent most of the afternoon cleaning the kitchen and eating some leftovers. I also did some journaling, it was maybe the only thing close to therapy that I had right now. I needed to get some ideas out of my head, maybe that way my thoughts would be more clear and least scary. It would not control me anymore. I didn't paint that night, for some reason I wasn't feeling like it. Also, my feet still hurt and I was... um, sore. Like, my whole body was. So staying in bed was the only thing in my mind, specially because it was my last free day.

I watched so many movies in my computer, being nothing but a waste in bed. My mood was off but at least I was trying to keep myself distracted and hydrated. I didn't felt like eating, tho. I felt like I was going through a breakup, like I lost my virginity with someone I didn't want to and... I needed to stop. I wanted my mind out of it so I kept distracting myself, avoiding every destructive thought. Cassie send me an email around seven, when I was already getting ready to eat something for the first time in the day.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Hi!

Omg sorry, this week is been a mess. School is being a challenge but I can handle it.
How are things with you? How's college? Any new friends?

I meet this new guy, he invited me to this skateboard competition.

I know what you are gonna say, bla, bla, bla, but he's cute, hahaha..

I'll tell you everything over the phone, is too long to write and I hate it.

but you don't fucking answer my calls, too long to write. You'll regret make me do this, hahaha.

Anyways. Is not like I wanna fill you up with bad new but my mom has been asking a lot about you.
Like a lot, I think they are still looking for you but don't worry, I didn't say anything and I won't.

Just take care and call me when you can, I worry about you and just wanna know if you are okay.

Love you Ress

Write me back!

Cassie :)

I've been laying to Cassie longer than what she even imagine. I never told her I was going away without anything planned, not to go to college because I was too broke for it. I even lied to where I was. It was a last minute decision, I was already in the bus station and I changed my bus ticket to a new place. I just felt safer if actually no one new where I was and little by little I kept lying about every other detail, painting her a life that I'm not living because I'm broke and on my own. I trust Cassie, but I knew if she knew how I was living now in comparison of how I used to, then she would be too worry and then those honest feelings could take her to tell them were I am. I can't take that risk.

I didn't answer her email, I wasn't feeling like it. I just went to bed hoping they could never find me because, fuck, they were still fucking my head up.

I had a better morning, specially because my night was nothing but flashbacks of the night I spend with Reid. I woke up not feeling so mortified, I was actually feeling kinda better and my hickeys were disappearing little by little. It was one of my short days, where I just had to work in the coffee shop. I had a coffee and a smoke in my balcony. I watched the people run around the city while having my breakfast, feeling the consequences of not eating well the day before. I was tired and kinda weak.

I spent too much time trying to hide the marks on my neck with makeup. I kinda got it but I wasn't happy about it somehow so I wore a turtleneck, thanks to the cold weather that was today as well. I had a quiet turn, just having a few morning clients and spending more time in fixing some late counting. I wanted to go home and paint during the rest of the day, keep my mind out of dark things. I was, again, just focus on trying to put my life together, even if the little ache in my chest was still there.

I spent the rest of my days trying to clean up my head, dealing with my pain on my own and trying to use my painting to make me feel better. It was kinda working, being so busy at work was also a really good distraction.

When Thursday night arrived, the marks on my neck were faded enough for the makeup to me enough. I was feeling better, trying to use my best poker face to face my friends and, eventually, Reid.

I got to the bar around six, staying outside the door for personal only to finish my cigar. I was nervous, I couldn't lie, but somehow sharing my sexual experience and hearing cheer ups as feedback always made me feel good. Kinda like needing validation about having a sexual life but I knew it wasn't okay.

I was blowing out a cloud of smoke when Tina was right in front of me, a big smile in her face. She was glowing, looking more excited that I've seen her since I started to work here.

"Night, Ress." Tina said, happily.

"Night." I answered, laughing at her expression.

"Guess who hook up with a bassit." Tina singed, moving around kinda silly dancing.

I don't know if it was relief but I felt a weigh go off my shoulders. For some reason the fact that Tina was with Élise made things... well, kinda feel more normal to me. I was happy about her and whissed the words I was about to say to her, where also the ones I'll say to me.

"For real? The weekend? Good for you!" I tried to clapped, looking kinda silly for the cigar on my hand.

"Yeah, just after the party" Tina grabbed both of my shoulders and happily said: "God, it was such a good weekend for us." She was cheerful and excited, as if we accomplish a goal. "Also, youuuu, whoreeeeeee." I got frightened for a second, but I remembered it was a usual joke she and Lisa used to do. "You need to tell me all the details, now!"

I blow a smoke a give a nervous smile. "I'm not sharing all the details..." I tried to hide how deeply embarrassed I was feeling.

"Okay but was he good?" Tina screamed a mumble.

I putted the cigar close to my mouth and raised an eyebrow. "Was Élise good?"

Tina nodded quickly. "Oh, she was! I've never been with someone so... oh my god, I don't know how to explain, so... sensual."

I knew what she meant but I wasn't sharing that.

"That's so good for you, T." I smiled. I hoped things between them actually work out, specially seen how excited Tina is about it.

"So... was he good?" Tina asked again when I was throwing my cigar away.

I gave her a smirk. "He was." Is all I say before heading inside the bar.

Usually I don't share the details unless it was a really bad experience like that one time a guy was trying to choke me and not in a fun way.

The three of us loved Thursday nights, it was actually the favorite of the week, we don't get our feet that tired and we can actually talk to the clients, instead of doing the run and serve we always do in the weekends. Also, the band didn't played today so that's specially a good thing for me. I could fix my head a little better before actually seeing Reid.

We sitted down when no client showed around for about ten minutes. The bar was almost empty, only usual clients around.

"So..." Tina started and I knew what was coming. "Ress and I hook up with members of the band." She said to Lisa, with a cheeky smile

"Oh my god" Lisa screamed "You whores!" She joked, or so I got seconds latter "When? How? With who?" Lisa started to asked

"I was with the basistt. Her name is Élise and she's beautiful, right Ress?" Tina pushed her shoulder against mine.

"She is." I agreed, keeping my eyes in my phone.

"And who did you fuck?" Lisa asked me, getting closer to my face but keeping her voice loud enough.

"Oh my god! Lower your voice!" I tell her, feeling shy. "The vocalist..." I added in low voice, looking down to my fingers.

"He's hot!" Lisa screamed.

"So hot!" Tina added.

"He is." I agreed, not knowing what else to give out.

And then Lisa gives me her cheeky smile, the one that always comes before the questions. "So... where's the details?"

"Oh, no!" I whined.

Lisa whined too. "Please, I have a boyfriend now, I can't go around having casual stuff. Your story will save me."

"What about Tina's story?" I just wanted the attention out of me. But also I wanted to have a deep conversation about whatever my head was going about.

"Oh, she was so good!" Tina started "When we got to her apartment..."

"Actually..." I started, putting my phone down and looking at them. They both gave their attention. "I wanted to ask you..."

"Oh my god, he was actually bad?" Tina asked in shock.

I laughed. "No is not that." I putted my hair behind my ears. "Maybe I’m too shy to talk about it" I actually didn’t wanted to overshare, I like when they did but I guess it was harder myself.

"Oh, you slut!" Lisa laughed, definitely not understanding that’s she made me flitch of surprise at her word, the I remember she may not meant it.

"Aren't we all?" Tina joked. And the conversation ended with all of us laughing and going back to work.

Friday was a nod on my stomach but I knew how to keep it cool. Even that one time when this random guy got kinda obsessed with me and next thing I know there's a fight in the bar. I've also seen Tina and Lisa go through the same thing over and over, their advised when I first hook up with someone I met in the bar was:

"They are gonna like act like it wasn't the big deal, just do the same."

So I was chill about me, because I was good at ignoring situations I don't like. I wasn't even worry about talking to Reid after what we did. At the end of the day, he wasn't the problem, it was my fucked up mind and my sad life story.

When the band arrived for the sound check, we were too busy cleaning the space and making the preparations for the night. So we didn't shared a look in the whole preparations moments of the bar. But I was also trying to not look in their direction. I could hear their distant conversation, the observations about the sounds and planning the order of the songs they were gonna play that night, but I wasn't gonna look. I was going to make it as longer as need too.

We took a small smoke break before the opening of the bar. It was kinda my idea, considering how uneasy I've been feeling, nicotine has been my only company the whole week. Lisa stayed inside, being the only one of us who hated smoking. Tina and I were trying our best for our uniforms to stay put in our bodies, the wind was cold and strong.

"God, I'm freezing." Tina said, holding his cigar with a shaky hand.

I was okay, somehow cold weather didn't affect me that much. "Let's go inside, then."

"I'm finishing my smoke." She whined.

I laughed and took a sip of my cigar, feeling the smoke get stuck in my throat when I heard the familiar laughter of Élise. One part of me prayed that it was only her. I was also thankful I was with Tina and not alone, I couldn't imagine how fool of myself I would be. I had two options: Reid is the guy or I'm the bad guy, so neither of those situations I liked.

"Is that the band?" Tina asked in a whisper, her face as shocked as mine. She was closer to the hallway to the door staff only, so I was the only one with vision of the principal door of the bar. I took a glance with my eye, keeping as discreet as possible too afraid of who I was gonna see. It was all of them, the whole band. I took a sip of my cigar.

"Yes." I was calm on the outside.

Tina blushed immediately, taking her hand off his skirt and starting to fix her hair. "Do I look good?"

I laughed at her "You look really pretty, T."

"You too, Ress." She gave me a smile. I wish I were nervous as she was feeling nervous.

"Hey!" I heard and I knew it was over, we were gonna have a smoke session together.

I turned to my side to look at them and my eyes felt into Reid immediately, even tho the voice that called was Élise. He was wearing a white shirt and a letter jacket, his cigar layed off between his lips and his hands were on his pockets. His hair felt into his eyes and he gave me a smile when our eyes met, glazing up and down my body. I smile back but quickly glanced to Moshe and Élise that were just next to him. If I was doing this he need to stop being attractive.

They walked to our direction, maybe thinking I was alone because for a moment every hi was just to me, until they reach us and Élise saw Tina.

"Hi!" Élise said to her, giving Tina and I a kiss in the cheek.

Moshe nodded to us and my eyes felt into Reid, again, watching him smile at me softly. I was ashamed of the blush in my cheeks but I just smiled back. The moment I felt into someone, the dark memories disappear. But the second the hook up is over, I'm feeling shitty again. It was a weird toxic circle.

For a moment there was a deep silence between us three. Élise and Tina were focus on each other and I was trying my best to not look Reid so I was just looking at Moshe not giving a fuck about anything or anyone.

Moshe gave me a smile and nodded at their direction. "Kinda rude." He joked. "Hi, Ress, nice to see you again."

"Hi." I said, feeling shy. Sometimes I felt Reid eyes on me, but I was too shy to confirm. Or maybe I was just reaching and he wasn't even blinking at my direction.

"You got home okay?" I heard Reid ask. His back was against the building wall and his cigar between his lips was now on, his eyes were on mine feeling like a laser on my skin. He was so good at looking at people...

"Yeah... yes, I did." I managed to say, distracting myself with my own smoke.

"Did you had a fun time in the party?" Moshe asked, taking me by surprise. For some reason I though at the beginning he wanted to make the conversation about what happened between Reid and I, but actually he was asking because the last time I saw him was at the party.

I took a sip from my cigar and shrugged. "I've never seen so many people smoking in one place." I joked, trying to chill and just have a conversation.

"Oh, you should go out with us more, then." Moshe pushed his arm against Reid's and he was him a smile to follow the joke.

"I'll like that." I said, actually kinda lying just to be nice.

"We have a party next weekend, you would like it." Reid said, his eyes burning in mine and I felt naked and vulnerable.

"We'll see..." I said, vaguely. For some reason I felt confused, as if part of me was waiting for a change of behaviour in Reid, like keeping myself in guard for a moment of when he will disrespect me because now he can. Or at least my fucked up brain thoughts so. However, he was acting just as he did the other days.

It was me how was different and they noticed. Both of them. My short awkward answer was followed by a weird silence, Reid was now looking at me but I kept my eyes between him and Moshe, who was in silence watching the whole encounter happen, he kinda looked entertained by it. Moshe excused himself, saying he had to take a call. I didn't know if he was lying or not but I did saw him pulled his phone away when he was already far from us. I kept my eyes in my shoes, focusing on my cigar and that I had to be back inside in a couple of minutes. It wasn't later until I saw a pair of black shoes in front of my that I pulled my head up.

Reid was staring at me, his face full of confusion while his cigar hold between his lips. He kept his hands away, keeping a safe distance with me.

"Are you okay?" He asked, a frown was on his face but his eyes were nothing but questions.

I wasn't but he wasn't who I was gonna talk about it. "I'm fine." I lied, even gave him a small smile to make it better.

Reid nodded, taking the cigar in his fingers now and blowing out the smoke before looking at me with a frown. "Are you sure I didn't make something to make you uncomfortable?"

This time I frowned. "I told you, you didn't..."

"Yeah, I know but, like," Reid took the cigar out of his mouth and make a weird face. In that moment I noticed he was just as uncomfortable as I was. "You are looking at me like you don't even wanna look at me at all."

My heart felt to my stomach. I was the bad guy, I was the one acting different when things are supposed to be just casual and normal. I was the one making him feel uncomfortable.

I felt my face go red. "Oh, no! Is not that, is just..."

"Ress" I heard and I got mad. It was time to go inside. "We need to go inside." Tina said when I looked at her.

I nodded and gave Reid a sad smile. Part of me felt relief for having some more time to organize my thoughts before talking to him. But also, I was just sad that that was the idea I was leaving on him.

I ignored the band while they played because last thing I needed was more reasons to be attractive to this man. I couldn't see him in the eyes anymore, the moment I do everything is just more confusing when is actually clear and simple: I need to take my job seriously, everything else don't matter. I worked as hard as I've ever worked, maybe to keep my mind away from my own screaming voices. I was having one of those hard moments when I was over analyzing every single of my moves, words, reactions. It was tiring.

When the band stopped playing Élise was the one that came to the bar and Tina served her. Later, Moshe came around and Tina and Élise where still in the bar, the three of them talking as unbothered and comfortable. I focused on my clients, keeping a gentle smile, allowing myself to feel distracted and actually having something to do.

I was finishing some counts when I saw Reid in his table. He was talking to some people, just as the other members of the band. I was praying in silence that he hook up with someone tonight so I could be the forgotten hook up and now he has something else to focus on. For some weird reason, I felt like smiling when Reid started to flirt with a girl, now at least I won't feel bad for going around making guys feel like shit because I can fix my head. Now he could just forget we even had something.

At the end of the night I just went home alone, not even waiting for Tina to walk together. I wanted to be under my blankets and sleep. I was tired of my own head, wishing I could turn it off. I was also worry about so many things. One of the saddest things about this is that I thought I was in a better place, not having this moment of feeling like waste, like a shame, like something worth it to hide and forget, like something made to use and throw away . If I could switch my brain I would so gladly. But I just lay tired after a long night of work and hate myself for not stop thinking about the vocalist's hoodie that was in my room's floor.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: "Messed up."

<3

Luckily, talking to Reid, or the band, happen to be something that worried me to something that didn't happen at all. The band started to get more popular, the bar posting a lot of content that made the bad page go bigger. Now, they had a lot of followers, so more weekends there was more people. The band went to hang out between them just drinking some beers, to be surrender to people that were interested in them, their looks, their music, their talent, their personalities. And honestly, they did a good job doing the popular band, talking to everyone and being nice, but also giving each other time to be a little pretentious and rant about music. Three tables were all put together just for Lovers and their increasing fanbase.

Mery was happy because the bar was doing good, me and the girls were happy because tips were going up but the feet pain was something else. Little by little we were starting to realize that Lovers brings the biggest amount of people ever since the bar started to have live music. We weren't ready for so many people so by the time our shift ended, we were so exhausted no one wanted to walk home. It was definitely killing me.

That was the only thing going on my life, overworking my ass in my two jobs and in my painting to avoid any cringy thought that could go throw my mind, and completely failing. The loud shaming voices were gone but I still felt kinda weird when I think about the night Reid and I... even if is an actual memory I like to go back sometimes, specially when I wanna...Well. I was trying to avoid that from my brain.

I was too tired to even feel shy or uncomfortable with Reid. Last Saturday, when he came to the bar before their show, Reid asked for their usual three beers order, giving me kind words but nothing else. The burning passion wasn't gone, just a little turned off. We were "fine" because I never really could explain why I was acting the way that I was, so maybe in his mind I was maybe this weird girl and hook up with and now give weird looks. It makes me feel bad, but I just don't know how to even talk about it now and, honestly, I'm happy that everything ended with us just not talking, being around but not over each other. Normal people respect and stuff, just like if we did was nothing. Because it was nothing but two adults wanting to get laid. And I don't want that peace to go away, to go back to that awkward day outside the bar. It was nice this way, casually ignoring each other.

However, my whole mood changed when I answered Cassies's email, after a long time of avoiding it. I was standing in front of my big window, a light cigar on my lips, my pajamas were still on and my hair was messy.

"So then we when to his dorm and, oh my god Ress I swear, the place smelled like old cheese." Cassi giggled in the other line.

"That sounds gross." I answered actually already wanting a change of the subject, so I did. "Sooo, your mom is asking about me?" I asked with no hesitation, just wanting to be over with it. Since I first read it in the email I've been thinking about it.

There was a long silence before Cassie cleared her throat. "Okay, don't go all crazy..."

"I won't." I said immediately, knowing that most probably I was going to get crazy in private.

"They want to fill up a missing person report." She said, quickly as she was throwing a bomb.

I frowned. "But I'm not missing." I was confused.

"They think you are."

"I literally let a note that said, goodbye and fuck you all." It did say that, I was proud of it. I didn't write nothing else, they didn't deserve my words.

"They are saying is a lie and someone took you..." Cassie started to explain, a boring tone in her voice.

"Oh my god." They were going insane and that made me kinda scared. A part of me always just hoped that they forget about me.

"But, don't worry about it. You are not a minor so the police is just gonna laugh at them." Cassie tried to help me feel better.

"Yeah, no one look up for old people." I joked, actually feeling kinda worry. I remember dad knows people in the police...

"No, lies, I would look for you if you were missing, babes."

"I know but I'm not."

I kinda wish I was now, honestly.

"How's collage?" Cassie asked, changing the subject.

I cleared my throat, pulling in my tears. "Is fine... you know, lots of work for due and so little time."

"And is your work fine?" She so sweet. I miss Cassie more than anything else from home.

"Work is fine." She knew about the coffee library job but not the bar job. "You know, is just tiring."

"It will be okay, Ress. I'm so excited for summer vacations so I can go see you." She said, excited.

I felt the blood go down my body, eventually feeling pale and thirsty. "Yeah..." I laughed in a nervous reaction. "Can wait, for real."

Sounded like the moment I would die, but I had time, good enough time to make an excuse to convinced her not to.

So now the idea of them looking for me was into my brain in such an insane way. I found myself looking by my shoulder when I'm walking down the city or just doing groceries. So, due to the big anxiety I was going through, I needed to find some weed. It always works when I'm having some anxiety episodes. The thing was that, because I was new in the city, I didn't know any dealer so I had to use my other abilities.

And they kinda started to fail little by little, all when I needed it the most. The flirting in the bar didn't work, neither the offering a free drink.

That night in particular, I was almost having an attack every second at work, feeling like the oxygen was not getting to my lungs. I wasn't even smiling, fuck that when I couldn't even try to and calm myself down. Lisa didn't smoke and Tina's dealers wasn't answering the phone. I could be a little more calm if I could chain smoke but stuck in work I had no way out.

When the band finished their show of the night and the wave of people came to bar, I felt my body being so tired that I was about to close my eyes if that made me work better. I used the opportunity to tried and listen to some clue that I could tell how had some and wanting to share. I didn't heard anything, the whole crowd was just talking about the band.

When my break arrived, I almost runned outside for a smoke. The wind was colder but couldn't care less when what had my legs shaking was my anxiety. I lighted a cigar quickly, giving it a big deep breath and then, slowly let it go from my nose. My shoulders stopped being tense and I pulled my head back, forehead up to the sky and I watched the few starts shine while I took another sip. I came back to life, my chest still moving up and down from how fast my breathing was, my eyes were wide and full of panic and my shaky hand made the burned ashes fly away from my cigar.

My throat felt tight and my eyes burned, I was about to cry there in the fucking street and I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to have another sip of my cigar but it was pointless, my breath got cough in my chest and I felt dizzy for a second. I lay forward, putting my elbows in my knees trying my best to make my breathing normal. I've been here before, this started a long time ago and I learned how to make them better. Unfortunately, they have also gotten worse with time. My whole head was around the idea of being found, being trapped again and hearing their voices again and again.

I was starting to calm down, the ashes of my ignored cigar fell down to my shoes, making me finally concentrate on something and breath better. As I tried to made my breathing normal, slowly stood up straight and let my head rest in the wall behind me. I focused only in breathing and my eyes got lost in the stars...

"Are you okay?" I heard and I jumped getting surprised. "Woah, is okay." Reid said in soft voice after my reaction.

"You just... scared me." I said, breathless again.

"Are you okay? I went out and you sounded like... out of breath." He explained, his expression full of worry or maybe confusion.

"Oh, no." I faked laughed and rested my back against the wall, just because I was kinda dizzy still. "I just breathed in wrong and coughed."

Reid looked at me like for a few seconds, maybe trying to find the lies in my face because all I could see is that he didn't believe me. Luckily, I didn't care that he didn't.

He took a step again from me. "Yeah." He mumbled lowly a few moments later, his head slowly nodding. "That's good..."

Then he walked away, not giving me a second look. I felt dumb and kinda embarrassed, the fact that this were our interactions now was sad even if it was the best. We had a nice conversation when we first me, I remember him asking to read my poems, even the invitation to the party. Reid was open to keep hanging and, the sad part was, that I wanted it too and messed it up. Having friends like the band was actually something I would like and ruined it before nothing could happen.

I ended up having the worse night at the bar, working like a robot and my mind in the clouts. I didn't even stop myself to talk to the clients.

Not only that, but my job in the coffee shop also got bad. I flinched every time the bell of the door ring, scared it could be someone that found me. I wasn't worry about the bar, I knew it was the last place where they could find me but the coffee was a high risk one. Maybe I should quit...

I let the idea fly away from my mind, my broke ass can't allow to quit any of my jobs. Now things were worse because I was being miserable in what I thought would make me happy, like living alone, having a job and painting. I was chain smoking, crying almost every night, not sleep a lot and my creativity was down to zero. I couldn't recognize myself over those days but I kept moving, trying my best to not give up just yet.

I became a loner, just as I used to be. I barely spoke more than the necessary to my coworkers and I found myself enjoying the night walk homes, even if I still needed to check behind my shoulders some times. I spent two weeks in survival mood, being as different as I always was every time my brain was doing whatever it was doing to my body.

Saturday we were closing the bar, slowly walking out of the service door. I quickly said goodbye to Tina and Lisa, avoiding any deep conversation. Getting my cigars from my back and my lighter, I walked slowly trying to focus in lighting my smoke but my lighter was already done. Not working. I got frustrated, quickly turning it on several times in a hope for it to work. I finally gave up, sighing deeply, a deep groan sounding in the back of my throat. I really needed a cigar right now.

"Ress!" I heard and my attention got focus in Élise and Moshe, both of them standing under a light in the street, sharing a joint. She waved at me and moved her hand to tell me to go to them. I was relief Reid wasn't around, it was already uncomfortable last time we spoke I didn't needed to add more to the list.

"Hey, you guys." I smiled to them.

"Here, we saw you struggling there." Moshe said, giving me a friendly smile while handing me a lighter.

I happily took it and mumbled and thank you before quickly lighting my cigar. I took a deep breath, feeling my lungs get full and then, slowly, my head getting dizzy. My shoulders relaxed when I breathed out the smoke.

"Thanks." I said to Moshe, handing back the lighter.

"Oh, Ress, I was gonna tell you." Élise said, euphorically smoking from the joint and them quickly talking. "We have our first official concert."

"Oh, you do?" I was kinda confused so I asked..."But isn't like... a concert what you do in the bar?"

Moshe and Élise laughed. She handed me the joint, giving me a funny look. "Here, my lovely Ress." I took it, excited to finally give some weed to my system. I had already given out in my haunting for a dealer. Maybe I would ask them.

"An official concert is like, well, sell tickets and promo and a longer song list and usually bigger places, bigger crowd." Moshe explained.

"Oh... Oh! That's so good for you." I said genuinely, I knew it was sooner or later they were gonna be successful. "Good luck in that." I took another sip from the joint.

Élise putted her hand in my arm, sending shivers over my body. "You should totally come, right Moshe?" She said, her voice going low and deep, her eyes to Moshe were playful and cheesy.

"Totally, Ress, we all want you to come." Moshe raspy voice in that sensual tone affected me more than I thought. His eyes were traveling up and down my body.

Wait... were they flirting with me? Both of them?

I gave them a nervous smile, passing the joint to Moshe. "Stop, you both are not funny."

"So you don't wanna see our show?" Élise asked, pouting in a cute face.

"I mean... sure. It depends, tho. I work a lot." I said, still feeling Élise hand on me but she quickly putted away to take the joint back.

"Is next Friday, around ten." Moshe said, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Here, give me your number and I'll send the flyer to you."

I blushed, taking Moshe's phone in my hand and starting to dial my number. "I actually can't go but I would like to see the flyer either way."

"Why not?" They both said, actually looking kinda disappointed. It was nice, we haven't talk in so long and still they were acting just as the first day, still being nice and friendly.

"I have work." I shrugged, actually kinda happy to have an excuse. I took a sip from my cigar when I gave the phone back.

"Tina is taking the night off, you should too." Élise said, smiling just as she fixed the problem.

"If she takes the night off them I can't, Lisa will stay alone and is too much work for one person." I said, shuddering.

"Oh, no, Tina is sending someone to replace her."

That meant losing the tips of the night plus maybe also paying the person for the overnight and my budged wasn't ready for that, I fucked it up really bad lately for my constant smocking.

"I'll think about it." I said, just to let the conversation go. I knew they would insist to have me there, I couldn't win against them.

Moshe putted his hand on my shoulder, giving it a small and friendly squish. "You should really have some fun, Reid told us all you do is work."

"Well, is not all..." Wait, Reid told them? Reid told them about me? I was nervous to think about what did he said to them, what image of me was in his mind, what are his memories of the night, where they too different at mine? I cleared my throat, trying to hide how much the mention of that affected me. "Is not all that I do... I'm a painter."

"And what does a painter need? Inspiration. See something more than just work every day." Moshe said in a really lost voice but he made sense. Élise agreed with him, slowly nodding. Both of them looked really high.

However, Moshe had a point. Maybe the reason why almost every single one of the project I've started in the last month had ended up in a single draft. Maybe it was truth, go outside and get distracted, see something knew was good for me. Maybe I would give the concert a second thought, it could be good for me.

"You are right." I giggled and they joined at my laughter before we where interrupted for the sound of the door of the bar.

Reid was walking out, his arm around the girl's waist that was next to him. They were looking at each other, ignoring everything else. I couldn't keep my eyes away from them but, most specific, from Reid. I could see the way his eyes were included in his flirting game, his body language and his tense jaw. He looked really good from this angle, I couldn't lie. When they stared kissing I looked away, feeling my cheeks burn.

We all stood there in silence, finishing the joint with a soundtrack of soft moans and saliva. It was getting kinda awkward at this point. When they finally stopped, I heard everyone breathing in relief with me. Reid came close to us seconds later, alone this time.

"Hey." He said, his eyes moving to mine and giving me a weird smile. Uncomfortable.

"You took so long, god!" Élise whined.

"We had the joint without you, you lost." Moshe said in a funny tone.

"You all replace me in the blunt rotation?" Reid said, faking gasping in shock.

"Ress is better than you. She smells good, right Moshe?" Élise voice went down again, in the flirting tone. I got nervous, feeling really affected by Reid's presence, added to the fact that I was still trying to figure out of they were fucking with me or being serious.

"Oh, she does. She's coming to see us on Friday."

"I still don't know..." I mumbled, keeping my eyes in the floor, avoiding to see Reid.

"But we all want you to come, right Élise?" Moshe said, smirking.

"Oh, we do..."

"Alright, stop now." Reid said, shaking his head and laughing softly. "I'm sorry about them." He told me, they only time in the night that our eyes meet. "They think everyone would get it."

Get what?

"We are sorry if we made you uncomfortable." Moshe said, giving me a friendly smile now.

They didn't. "You didn't." I was kinda into it if I'm honest.

"But, being honest, we all want you in the concert. Right, guys?" Élise said.

Moshe said yes but Reid stayed quiet, slowly nodding but looking away. It was weird again. It was like he rather to do anything but interact with me.

"I'll try." I stepped away, holding my bag. "I have to go, see you, guys." I waved at them, wanting to leave as fast as posible.

"Wait! We are going that way, too." Élise said and I felt like dying. I didn't wanted to walk with them.

But I did. We all walked in silence until Moshe started a conversation around the concert. I asked a couple of questions, actually interested because I've never been in a concert, specially not in a rock concert. Then, there was a big silence while we all light a cigar. I tried to walk between Moshe and Élise, feeling really comfortable with them. But then, a little later, they started to walk together, holding what I thought was a private conversation so I stepped back, walking behind them.

I stepped into Reid's shoulder and I quickly move away. "Sorry." I mumbled.

He didn't say anything, just walked a little away from me. It was weird, he was keeping his distance in a literal way. Not only talking, also we being together in any situation. He doesn't even look at me, after all that time when he couldn't keep his eyes off me. I felt like crying, feeling bad that I messed up because of me and only me to blame. It was the hardest part, knowing it was me the one that caused the awkward silence around us, our eyes in our shoes and our smoke being the only thing that crossed a look. It was such a different picture from what we were doing last time we walked together.

"I'm here." I said the moment we got to my street. I needed to leave.

"Oh, yeah? Where do you live?" Élise looked around, trying to catch a look of the address.

"Just down the street, in the building." I pointed behind me.

"We can walk you to the door..." Élise started, already pulling Moshe to follow me to my building.

"Oh, no, is right there. I'll be fine." I gave them a smile, my eyes moving to Reid that was watching down the street with a frown on his forehead. "Well, see ya."

I walked away not waiting for an answer. I finished my smoked in the few seconds it took me to get to the door of my building. I putted away the but and looked behind my shoulder out of curiosity, surprised that all of them were still there in the corner of the street, looking at me walk. I went inside, wondering if I could see them trough my window but they weren't there anymore. They waited for me to get in the building and then leave.

I fell into my bed, full dressed and knowing I wasn't sleeping anytime soon. Instead, I took out my counting notebook and started to see how much extra hours I needed to do to recover if I went to the concert.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: "Free night."

<3

I was really nervous. When I was sixteen, my breaking rule era, I tried to go to a concert. It was one of my best plans to escape home without being noticed. But the friends that told me they were gonna pick me up never showed up, I remember standing in the front garden feeling sorry for myself. I never tried again but, honestly, one one asked again either.

I wanted to go to a concert since forever, since I first started to downland illegal music and watched MTV Unplugged. It was one of the first thing I grow up knowing I wasn't allow to. Not only I was excited for breaking that one rule I couldn't break since now, but also the concert itself, the live music, the first time actually seeing a live show and maybe the only opportunity I'd ever had of watching Lovers play.

With intention or not, Moshe advised actually stuck in my brain a lot. I spent a long time on Sunday thinking about it when my phone ringed with Moshe's message, the flyer of the concert. It was a collage of three mouths painted red, blowing kisses and with nice handwriting it said: "Come fall in love. We are Lovers." It was cool, everything red, black and pink, just as all of their energy. The more I looked at the flyer the more I wanted to go and eventually I ended up asking Mery for the night off, who was actually happy I was finally taking a free night. I was excited to actually go out more and be less miserable at least for a night, so that way my painting won't suck. I was making friends, after two months of being alone in the city I finally was actually hanging out with people outside of work.

I had a couple of problems that Tina helped to figure out. She was really excited when I told her I was going, so decided to help with anything possible to avoid me not going. Tina asked someone she knew to replace me in the bar and invited me to Élise's place, where they were gonna have a small get together before the concert. I was happy to be invited but nervous because all of them went to concerts before, of course. I was the only one missing out.

It kinda made me feel good to have something to wait for, it had been a long time since I hang out with friends, since I've been in a party place that is not my job and did nothing that wasn't me painting alone while drinking wine or just a random date that end in a hook up. Actual fun and not coping mechanism is what I wanted. So, I got a little carried away. I went to the thrift store, hoping to find a nice outfit for the concert and I did after hours of searching throw clothes. I ended out finding a nice short pink leather skirt with red hearts in it and a small black letter jacket. I knew I could made it work with one of my crop tops and I was happy to know I pulled out something cute to wear for only 10.00.

That Friday morning I served every coffee and putted every muffin in the microwave feeling excited for the day to end, waiting happily for the moment when I was getting ready, the concert and finally listening to Reid's song lyrics. I stalked the Instagram of the band from my new account with 0 followers in it. I didn't eve had a profile picture so I didn't bother in follow but I watched every picture. One of the things about Lover was their visual style, they seem to follow so kinda of emo but also pink look. It worked really good together, every photo was kinda like a picture of The Rocky Horror Picture Show with a really cool filter. I realize they had songs two songs in a music platform but decided to not listen them. I wanted the concert to be the first place where I first really listen to them.

I don't know if it was Tina or Moshe who gave Élise my number, but she texted me.

"Coucou! I'm so excited you are coming with us, we all are gonna have a little pre party thing so be ready to get wasted! See yaa later, lovely."

The pre party definitely sounded like an excuse to get drunk and I was about to take it. I needed my mind away from planet earth. I haven't been drunk in so long, have fun with friends with so long. I was smiling to my phone while answering and then I pulled it away when I heard the bell door ring.

"Welcome, how can I..." I stopped talking because my eyes saw a really surprised Reid. "Hi, how can I help?" I continued, keeping my professional tone.

He walked slowly closer to the counter, his face changing every second his brain processed a thought. "Un cafe, s’il vous plait." he finally said.

I nodded and stared his order. I felt him uncomfortable and if I was the reason well then please can someone kill me.

I was counting his change and overthinking about how much he probably hated me when he spoke. "I didn't know you work here, you know?." His tone was shy, kinda like giving me an explanation.

"Okay." I was surprised he talked to me now, he hasn't being doing that in the bar. I didn't expected him to know about my second job so I was just confused by his words.

"I was walking by" Reid continued, his hand went up his arm and started to move it up and down. "Élise place is not away from here and we were talking some things about the concert and stuff."

I couldn't understand why was he explaining himself so hard for being in a coffee shop that was in a main street. This, for me, was nothing than a casualty. Everyone could go into a coffee shop just for coffee, is such a normal thing to do.

"Are you ready for the concert?" I gave him his change back, taking the opportunity to change the subject.

"We are kinda too nervous but we are ready." He said and I turned my back to start making his order. "I heard you are coming tonight... that's good." Reid added, clearing his throat while speaking.

I was glad to not be looking at him right now, maybe in my face would be draw how much I liked that he said that but also confused me how he could say that after weeks of not wanting me close to him, or at least acting like it. "Yeah, is kinda my first concert so I'm really excited?" I said after pouring the ice in the cup.

"You've never been in a concert before?" Reid asked in such a surprised tone I looked behind my shoulder to confirm how shocked he was.

I laughed, shaking my head and going back to concentrate in the coffee. "No, never."

"Why no? You don't like music?"

I wasn't as into music as I was into painting. However, I liked my music, it was helpful and inspirational, but also distant like somehow it wasn’t really mine.

"I just never had a change." I answered, trying to make it sound like not a big deal.

Reid didn't say nothing else and I finished his order, putting the cup in the counter and giving him a friendly smile. "Thank you for visiting us." I said, following my script. He kept his eyes in the cup of coffee, staring at it but not taking it. I stood there, feeling kinda weird to seeing him thinking right in front of me, I looked away feeling I was maybe way into his business.

"Are you free now?" Reid asked seconds later. My eyes went back at him, surprised at the question, his hair hit his right eye, his cheeks were pink and his lip piercing made him look so...

"Why for?" I asked, feeling my voice weak. One of the reason why I didn't wanted to be too close to Reid is was because if he, right now, asks me to go to his place I will say yes, that was exactly my problem with myself. I just don't think and let myself go away to then let myself die in guilt.

"Just talk, you know." He shrugged. "I think this is the first time we've seen each in the day light." He chuckled.

I looked behind my shoulder, the clock in the wall up the top shelf. "Well..." I started looking back at him. "My shift ends in half an hour, I don't know if..."

"I can wait." He said quickly, whatever he wanted to say to me was maybe really important.

Reid stayed in the back of the coffee shop, he picked a book from one of the shelf and seated by the window, slowly drinking his coffee. I couldn't concentrate, I was looking at him. He looked exactly like the type of guys that would read in a coffee shop, I could see his nails painted red. I was making an order when I got lost realizing his hair had grow just a little and the sunlight gave it a bright brown color. I also noticed that his everyday clothes not so different to the clothes he wore in the club. He was wearing long black pants, band shirt and black jacket. Reid looked really cute, actually, really handsome. It was the first time I noticed he wasn't only hot, he also had a really pretty face, his monolid eyes had the longest eye lashes, his jaw looked tense but it made it look so good and...

I almost burned my hand with hot milk.

While changing into my own clothes, my stomach started to hurt. Me and Reid haven't been alone together since that night that we hook up and honestly I didn't thought we would ever had the opportunity to talk alone again. I was hoping to have the opportunity to explain myself to him enough to comeback and talk like normal, I wanted to be at least the nice co worker he could say hi to, not the girl he needs to avoid all the time.

I looked at the mirror, admiring my dress and my cardigan, blushing when small flashbacks of my night with Reid came back. The marks in my body were all gone, they only ones really alive where the ones in my head. It was something that happened to me sometimes, the random memories that gave me a jump scare because it was like I couldn't control it. I was making a cocktail an suddenly I was back there in that night, everything looking, hearing and even smelling the same. Memories are wild.

He was already waiting for me outside the coffee shop when I steeped out to the cold weather. I realized that the habit of the hands in the pants was because of the weather.

"Where do you wanna talk?" I asked him after a few moments of us just looking at each other in a tense silence.

The wind was moving his hair when he answered. "I can walk you home, we can talk while we walk."

I chuckled, walking in the direction to my building. It was less than seven blocks away, I made sure to be close to all my usual places because I didn't knew the city a lot.

"What is the obsession with walking me home?" I said, keeping a hold of my bag to avoid hit him with it.

Reid's presence next to me wasn't the same as that night. That night was exciting, we were greedy for each other, impatient to get home, happy to get to talk. Now our bodies were away and our steps were slow, I could feel a tense vibe but it was more than just me, this time Reid was avoiding his eyes too, he didn't wanted to be there because it was uncomfortable. We both were. This time the destination was the end, not the beginning.

"You don't know the city a lot." He explained, his hands in his pockets. "Walking alone is kinda dangerous."

"I don't live way too far from here. The bar is also close. I don't go out much so I only know how to go to certain places and spend the rest of my time in the same area." I explained myself, keeping my eyes in the streets to avoid his eyes. I made this walk everyday but I loved it.

Reid nodded, looking at his feet while walking. "That's good." He cleared his throat and seconds latter added: "Walking alone at night is still dangerous." his voice was with precaution, like a soft reminder.

"I usually walk with Tina so there's nothing to worry about." I gave him a small smile, mostly to calm him down. The sounded just like Cassie that night we said goodbye to each other but I'm a adult woman that know that need to take care of herself. I wasn't gonna run out from house with at least a pepper spray in my pocket. I was really proud when I spent my first pay check in a good door lock and a teaser.

He finally just nodded, not adding anything else. I looked around, seeing the usual little stores and the buildings behind them, the busses go by and the people walking by around us. It was a nice day despite the cold weather, there was not sign of rain and small sun rays were slipping away from the clouds.

"You... want a smoke?" Reid asked after a long silence between us.

"Sure." I nodded.

I saw him take his cigarette box from his back pocket and take out two cigars. Reid took his lighter from his front pocket and when both cigars were on his mouth, he lighted them up as if it was really easy. The vein in his neck look more marked when sucked in the smoke of both of them, his jaw looked so good when his head was pulled to a side like now and his eyes got a bright from the fire. He took both cigar out of his moth, handing mine to me while he exhale the smoke, looking so hot I felt my legs go weak.

"You are nothing but a slut, Ress."

I pulled my hand up to take the cigar, taking care not to touch him, it was easy because he also kept his hand away. I took a long sip, feeling really relieved for a little nicotine because I was confused for this random walk with him that came out of nowhere, confused for me being so into him still and for him to just being in that coffee shop, my job, before my shift ended.

"So..." Reid sounded serious. "There's something I wanted to talk about." I could hear how uncomfortable the conversation was about to get.

I frowned, really confused of what was happening. Reid was about to said something that made him embarrassed or maybe scared to say, whatever it was it wasn't easy to say. Whatever it was, here I was hoping it wasn't STD's because then I would kill him and that could get me in lots of trouble. Please don't have herpes or worse...

"Tell me." I said, keeping my eyes in my moving feet, smocking in silence.

I kept a slow walk but could hear Reid stop walking, I let his presence behind and I immediately noticed so I stopped as well.

"I need to look you in the eyes." He said, taking a quick sip to his cigar with a shaky hand. "This is a serious conversation."

My eyebrows went up quickly. "Is it?" I didn't wanted to sound like I was uncomfortable but I really were. Please don't have herpes or worse...

"Yeah."

Reid then stayed silence for a few seconds, finishing his smoke loving every second his body inhale and, when it was over, throwing away the but. I did the same, mostly annoyed for finishing it so I quickly so I took a new cigar from my own. This was way too much for me to face it without a smoke.

Reid walked a little closer to me and I breathed out the smoke, watching him straight in his eyes. I could tell my face was probably really serious but I was just waiting for the, apparently coming, bad news or whatever he was about to say. We were in the middle of a long street, a long window of a empty building next to us, no one walking by and the sound of the cars were softer. We had a lot of privacy to talk.

"I noticed that you've been really weird lately." He started, his eyes battling to stay in mine, I could see the blush in his cheeks and the way his Adam's apple moved. He was nervous. What the fuck was going on. "I mean, I don't know you enough to know if you actually have but what I mean is..."

I took another sip, hoping my jaw wouldn't shake and watched him think his next sentence. I didn't know where this was going, especially because he looked like he wished to be anywhere but here.

"What I mean is..." Reid started again, one hand playing with the hair in his neck. "You changed like, immediately, after the sex. At least that's what I noticed and well..." He putted his hand in his arm, rubbing it up and down. It looked like something he did often. "I just wanna know, Ress, if I..."

I was lost, completely confused by his posture, his tone, the conversation. In my mind, yes, I did acted different but that's not his to feel embarrassed about, is mine to apologize for. All this time I was thinking I was the problem, what was I missing?

"Reid, no." I quickly said, shaking my head and taking a step closer to him. "You didn't do anything to me, I promise. I told you that night."

"Yeah but then, that night outside in the bar; you were so tense and distant" He shuddered. "That's why I wanted to talk to you and tell you that if I fucked it up then I fucking deserve for you to kick me in the face."

I pulled away my burned out cigar and gave him a small smile. "I understand but you didn't do anything to me, okay?"

Reid nodded, slowly smiling. "Good to know, I was worried about you." He cleared his throat. "Um, Tina... she has also noticed that you've been different."

"Have I?" I mean I wasn't surprised of my change of attitude, I was surprised that he knew because of Tina or that Tina even noticed. Didn't expect anyone to noticed just because, deep down, they didn't know me and I didn't know them.

"Yeah" Reid frowned in a soft gesture "Is there's something wrong?"

I shock my head quickly. "That doesn't matter. I am so sorry I made you feel like you did something wrong, you didn't" I told him, as honest as I could. My biggest fear was that the idea he had of me after that night and all this time he thought he did something bad to me.

"Don't, is fine." Reid sighted. "Are you okay, tho? There's definitely something going on." He asked again, his eyes showing the little lines in the corner when he wrinkled his nose in worry..

It was nice to see that he was actually worry about me even if he didn't knew what was going on with me at all. Even he didn't knew me at all.

"I'm fine." I smiled, pulling my hair away from my face. "Just tired, working is hard and tiring, I haven't had a free day or just, you know, fun in so long and... well, I still don't have money for collage so I guess I'm just... sad because I'm a broke adult." I laughed at myself, also happy to feel the energy different.

Reid gave me a sympatethic smile. "Been there. It gets better.." He assured me, his eyes full of honesty. We weren't tense anymore.

"Hope so."

"Besides, you have a free night tonight, right? You are coming to the concert, you are having fun." He tried to cheer me, sounding really nice. He was really nice.

"Yeah, is nice that I'm going."

"I'm glad that you finally get to actually heard us play." He added, smirking. "You said there was no way."

I rolled my eyes, teasing. "I thought you meant, like, in the bar."

"Oh, so we never were a band good enough to have a big concert?" Reid teased and we happily laughed, feeling really comfortable having a random conversation.

I softly punched him in the arm, joking. "You know what I mean."

We look at each other while our laughs fated, for the first time again we were two co workers that could just talk, no tension or anything. But there was something because our eyes meet in a secret we both shared, memories that belonged to both of us. His eyes moved down to my lips and mine did the same with his. His lips were a little parted and his cheeks burned. Mine were too. When our eyes meet again it was more than obvious that we both were caught in our heads and in the tension around us. I felt like crossing my legs.

It was Reid who cleared his throat later. "Well, lets walk you home." He said.

We were no more than two blocks away so I walked trying my best to think of something to say, we where still walking in a generous distance but this time there was not something that it was wrong, this time it was a type of blush in the air. Hard to explain.

This time, Reid didn't stop in the corner of the street, just kept walking beside me as normal and I was happy he did. We climbed the small stairs that took us to the main door of the old building and I took out my keys of my bag.

"See you tonight, then?" Reid mumbled.

"Sure..." I nodded, pulling my hair behind my ear. "Élise told me she's having this... pre thing."

Reid laughed. "Oh, yeah. Is just Élise excuse to get to the concert drunk." He stared at me for a few seconds. "So, are you going?"

"Yeah, I'm so excited." My excited was real but my legs felt like they weren't next.

Because Reid gave me a smirk and then said: "See you there then." to finally walk away, saying goodbye.

He waited for me to close the door of the building to start actually leaving. I went upstairs happy to know that in the concert tonight him and I weren't gonna be acting weird and uncomfortable, specially because it was him who I was gonna see perform so that definitely was a situation to avoid. I was also excited to get to know Élise and Moshe more, talk to them just like the other night. They are cool people.

I was gonna go to my first concert and I was gonna have fun for the shake of my own head.

<3

I was shaking way too much. Not only for the cold and my uncover legs but because I could heard them all behind the door. I couldn't recognize any voice, it just sounded like a lot of people trying to talk while music played out loud. I fixed my skirt, hoping to keep looking as good as I last check at my place and knocked at the door before I could regret it.

Cold wind and weed smell were the first things that I noticed when the door got open. Élise was there, a short black leather skirt, long black leather boots that reach til her knees and a pink corset, also in leather, that combined with her hair. Her makeup was eye liner, glitter and deep look. Her eyes...

"Oh, Ress, chérie, t’es très belle!!" She said, making small exciting whines and giving me a hug.

I hugged her back, laughing in a nervous reaction.

"Allez" She said, opening the door wider. "Chez moi c'est chez toi.".

I followed her inside doorway that had closet, where my coat, shoes and small bag ended up.

Élise gasped when she saw my outfit. "Ress, you look so good!" she gave me a bright smile.

"Thank you." I smiled back at her, feeling the burn in my cheeks. She made me nervous, I couldn't hide that.

Élise took my hand, taking me inside of her nice apartment. It was a small place, just like mine but bigger. There was a small hallway in the door and then a open view to a small living room, where everyone was and a small kitchen were the table was full of different bottles of alcohol, mostly wine. She had a lot of plants and colorful furniture.

"Ress is here!" Élise cheered.

Loud alternative rock was playing. The atmosfere was fascinating, soft purple light hanging from the walls, sweet smell of candles even if people was smocking weed inside. In the small sofa there was just Reid and Moshe, both rolling some more joint, the coffee table full of the items. There were two people I didn't know next to them, sitting in shared coffin. Tina was in a small chair full of pillows, smiling brightly at me when I came in and she stood up.

I hugged her, happy to see her here and said hi to everyone else, trying not to make eye contact with Reid and failing. He gave me a friendly smile so it was worth it.

"I love you outfit, babe." Tina said, smiling sweetly to me. Her eyes were deep red.

"You are baked." I giggled, not laughing at her, just commenting.

"And you are next." She said and turned around to look at everyone. "This is Ress, we work together." Tina was glowing confidence.

Élise walked behind the stranger, putting both of her arm in their shoulder, hugging them and putting her chin between the space of their heads. "They are Rich and Jeni."

Jeni had a big curly hair full of small accessories that looked like small sparkly white butterflies. Rich had more soft curls bu they were tight in a bun over his head and he had the most perfect cheek bones I've ever seen in a man. We shared our small hi's and I finally seated in the small chair beside Reid, there was not other place available. I could see Élise in Moshe lap because of it.

Élise pointed at the table "You can take whatever you want to drink." She offered.

I actually preferred to smoke. "I rather smoke..." I started, opening my bag offering to pay.

"Oh, no, no way." Moshe said this time, he was holding a just finish rolled joint. "We can't charge you for weed."

"Oh, thanks." I said putting my bad back. I was broke, if someone was offering for free there is not way I can say no.

"Is just because they don't pay for it." Reid said, joking. His eyes were lazy and chill.

Élise laughed and slowly kicked Reid's knee with her boot. "Neither do you."

We laughed and then Reid said: "It falls from the sky."

"I wish." Moshe said in a fake whine.

Élise moved forward, slowly reaching Rich and Jeni. "Confirmed the after party?" She asked them.

"Yes, is at ours." Jeni said, looking at her phone. "Hope you don't mind going to bed at 5 in the morning."

"If I don't die before it." Rich said, he kept a chill pose. He looked like he was in his own head.

Reid leaned forward, his elbow slowly touching my knee when he took a joint of the table and then backed up. Relax and unbothered, he lighted the joint taking a big inhale and handed it to me.

"For your first concert." He said, a small smirk in his face.

I took it, feeling a fool for his eyes."Thanks." I mumbled.

"You've never been in a concert?" Jeni asked in surprised.

I was exhaling when I shocked my head. "No, never had the change before."

"You better play like gods tonight them." Rich said. "Imagine if you traumatize her with concerts."

Moshe laughed "Fuck you, we are good."

"We already listened to them before" Tina added, she was holding a beer. "at the bar."

I nodded and passes the joint to the her because she was in front of me. "Yeah, I heard them before. They are good."

Rich seated straight and raised a eyebrow "Yeah? What's your favorite song?" He teased.

"Oh, c'mon." Tina rolled her eyes laughing.

"I can't name one song but I know they sound good." I said, highly in honesty. "Tips are good when they play." I added.

Everyone laughed, Tina coughed because she choked in her smoke. She quickly gave it to Rich. "You haven't listen to Lovers play before?" Tina struggled to ask.

Rich let out a sarcastic laugh "That band of stoners?" He took a big sip of the joint. "They suck." He giggled while exhaling.

"He just love fucking with us" I heard Reid mumble I got slightly surprised of seeing him close. His arms were resting on his knees, which made him be close to me enough to talk.

"I think he's funny." Or I was high but whatever.

"He is, you better never be high around him, you throat would hurt in a few minutes." He said but I could tell he wasn't serious. He was just casually joking and I liked it.

"Isn't that something the singer should be worry about?" I gave him a cheeky smile.

"Yeah, the problem is that I'm not a singer." He gave me a sad fake face.

"Oh, right. You are the sensible writer."

"That's right I am." Reid gave me that look, the one that got me to kiss him so fast, to go to his house so fast.

Thankfully, the joint came back to him, handed it by Moshe. Reid took it, keeping the same position. I looked away, worry about where my head was.

"Where did you guys know each other?" I asked, not exactly because I wanted conversation but because I needed distraction.

"We meet in college." Jeni said. "We shared some classes for like two years, right?" They nodded.

They've been in college for three years now? I felt the urge to cry because others had what I wanted. I breathed back my feelings when I took the joint back.

"So you are all in a band too?" Tina asked. As it looked, she was meeting them tonight too.

Élise throw her head back, laughing. "As if!"

"Jeni manages our instagram page, tho. She's great." Moshe said, holding a jumpy Élise in his lap.

"Is easy when they are just pretty faces." Jeni tease but it was funny so I laughed, and so did Tina and Rich but no one of the band.

Élise faked a gasped and leaved Moshe lap to go running to Tina. "Is that true?"

Tina gave away the joint, having her hands free to stroke her head and then she said, very sincerely. "Yes."

Élise took it as the joke that it was. Moshe, however, groaned softly. "You just leave them keep those superficial ideas about us." He was teasing as well. I loved how all of them copy their jokes dynamic so quickly.

"What do you think, Ress?" Tina asked me, I could see the devil smirk in her face shinning proudly. She knew exactly what she was doing.

I moved my eyes back to Reid, feeling my cheeks burn when I noticed him looking at me, waiting for an answer, just as the rest of the living room.

"Yes." I said, honestly as they asked me to.

Reid gave me a slow smirk that I've definitely had seen before and I took a mental note of staying away, maybe befriend more Jeni to avoid be to close to him. Specially not sober, when my mind only get reckless and wild. I noticed Moshe eying us from his side eye and then he gave me a ally smile. It was weird, for some reason I couldn't avoid to think Reid probably told him all about that night but also he could've mention I acted like a crazy person after it.

For what I could tell, I was about to have an interesting free night.

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 7: "First concert."

<3

The concert was in an event that I couldn't understand the main subject to, because there was a lot of things going on. It was outdoors, in a big far away field that took us around forty minutes to get to in the metró. It was a fun ride, the first time I saw the young people all dress up and drunk on their way to a party. The space was loud and full of laughs.

The field had a big stage in the back, were there was a band currently playing when we arrived. Around the big stage there was a few small stores of different things, I even saw one table selling edibles. People were around drinking, jumping to the music and walking around in groups, hanging out away from the big group of people. I couldn't tell how many people was there but definitely three times more people of what I've ever seen in the bar.

Red, purple and white lights surrender us and the loud music made us speak next to our ears.

Tina was the one that screamed into mine. "Don't let go of my hand."

In that moment I realized that the band had to take a different way to go behind stage. I grabbed Tina's hand and noticed how Jeni and Rich were also holding hands, forming a line while we tried to walk between the crow. People were loud and extremely drunk, hardly letting us walk to a decent spot to watch the band. Slowly, we reached the decent spot close to the stage but not too close because people denied to move anymore. We were okay, it was close enough.

I tried to concentrate in the band that was playing now but the soon finished their show, saying a small goodbye.

"In a few minutes we would have our next band." Someone said in a microfone. "Thanks for enjoying us today!"

Then, loud music started to play and the stage turn on in a white light. To my right, Jeni were showing Rich the idea she had for the promo and the videos of this event.

"They let me put a camera on stage, all they have to do is press record. I hope they don't forget." She said, anxiously moving her hand to the music.

"If they forget, they lose." Rich joked, putting an arm around her shoulders. "No work, Jeni. We are friends in a concert."

"Yeah, we are!" Tina said, moving between me and Jeni and started to sing a long the song playing now.

"Is their music like, to dance to?" Rich asked. Maybe he truly hasn't hear any of them.

"It depends." Were Jeni's answer. The one I was thinking about.

We started our own conversation while waiting and me and Tina finally had the opportunity to actually get to know them. Rich was a history student, he read a lot and even had a podcast talking about historical moments. Jeni liked marketing and social media, that why her job was the page but truly she went to collage to study Administration.

"I know, I know..." She started, laughing. "People always have the same reaction. And I do hate it but... is useful. Thanks to that I've done some good things for the band."

How interesting the fact that things did made sense with each other. She looked happy to help them grow, full of ideas for them future pictures and promos. Jeni even showed us the ideas she had for their album cover.

Suddenly, the music stop and the stage was dark. Red light was full on, showing every member of the band. Impotent, magnetic and beautiful. That was all they irradiate when, without an inicial word, Moshe putted his hand up and marked the bit of the beginning of the song with his drumsticks. A slow guitar and soft drums started the song and then, Élise joined with her bass and then Reid started singing and I felt my knees go weak.

You vanish in my hands, melting in front of my eyes.

I won’t do it again, please It won’t happen again.

I’ll silence myself forever, if my opportunities to love you are a waste.

Till the other frontier, reaching you like something I missed.

The desire of the memory of your gaze and the seconds to count when your mouth was in mine.

I miss how I was before I heard you talk.

Next time I will recite your favorite lines, let myself burn to give you light.

I won’t do it again, please It won’t happen again.

I'll silence myself forever if my opportunities to hate you never appear.

Till the other frontier, reaching you like something I missed.

The desire of the memory of your gaze and the seconds to count when your mouth was in mine.

I miss how I was before I heard you talk.

Can my tears be enough? I don't have anything left to cut.

But in the other end theres not end at all, and I fly to the unknown.

Counting all the visions I have of your eyes, every time I felt into my knees begging please, please

Don't become a vision.

Please, please, don't become a vision.

Till the other frontier, reaching you like something I missed.

The desire of the memory of your gaze and the seconds to count when your mouth was in mine.

I miss how I was before I heard you...

<3

I would love to say that in my first concert I will be eyes open, wishing to keep the images on my mind forever. However, I kept my eyes close because I wanted to listen to them, not see them. I saw them in the bar every Saturday, at this point I memorised all of their stage present but listening to them, it was something almost impossible when you have a drunk guy screaming his beer order to you.

I knew I probably didn't had any other chance to listen to them, so I did. Every word, I listen to every word and I felt in love. Not only for the small relatable lyrics, but just the lyrics. I wasn't trying to put my hopes up all this time but honestly, Reid did surprised me and I felt bad for even doubt that he could write good things. I fell for the song, and for the second one and the third until they stopped playing and I opened my eyes, frowning feeling confused.

The music stop, their show ended. The only played three songs, I was kinda dissapointed because I wanted to hear more. I couldn't remember the last time I was into something, not even my own art more than my collage portafolio, so I felt nice to feel this nice conextion to the lyrics and their music. It was nice to remember the feeling that took me to paint in the first place.

I actually lost that feeling a long time ago, when my art became more like a rebelde expression of how I was different than them, but also a constant plan to defend it because no one could respect me. When I finally let home, It became my ticket to collage and a big obligation, one that I couldn't fully enjoy half of the time for being so tired after work. Now, I was hoping nothing to come home and paint.

I was so lose in my sudden inspiration trip that I didn't noticed Tina pulling my arm so we can go out of the public. A sea of people was all walking to the same way in the side of the stage, I tried to watched over the bunch of heads ahead of me but I couldn't see nothing than Rich leading us to where we where going.

Then, I heard a small scream followed by another and Lovers where surrender by fans. When we got closer, Jeni actually told us to stay away so she could make some shots of then just talking to the public. I could tell how Moshe and Reid still kept an eye on Élise because mostly men were approaching her. It wasn't a crazy fan moment, it was a moment when they realize they were a people out there supporting.

"Is going up!" Jeni said happily, holding her phone. I took a look when she showed me and I could see she meant the followers of their Instagram account.

"Oh my god, I still don't follow them!" Tina said, pulling out her phone.

"Fake fan." Rich sang, teasing with a smirk.

I laughed until I felt like choking because I heard Tina said: "Ress doesn't either, c'mon."

I felt my body go froze. The social media subject is one that I avoid because I would let people know that I'm hiding. And yes, I am, that's why no one should know.

"I will later, my phone is dead." I lied.

I deleted all my social media the night before I left. I needed to let no sign of the person I used to be, where I used to be, how I used to look or dress. Now I was nothing but my own self and my birthday was the day I let that horrible place. The only social media I had was where I posted my paintings.

Then, I felt an arm around my shoulders and I could see Moshe next to me. He was kinda sweaty, smelling like probably the best thing I have ever smell. There was something about this whole band that was attractive.

"Someone said after party!" Moshe cheered.

I saw Reid staying away, girls all around him pulling out their phones and smiling. Apparently, the rule of the singer goes right to every band and Reid knows how to fix in his place, smirking in a hot expression and being charming and mysterious. He knew he was fucking hot.

"Do you liked my show?" I heard Élise asked but she was only focused on Tina's answered that immediately took the opportunity to flirt.

I felt Moshe squeeze my shoulder and I looked up at him, he's so tall.

"Did you liked the show?" He asked me, smiling softly.

"You guys are great, is so sad I miss it on work." I said, trying not to sound as crazy as I knew I could.

"Well you just need to come to all of our shows outside the bar." He joked.

"I'd had to quit my job, then."

"Oh we would pay you all." Élise said and I looked at her direction. She was hugging Tina.

"For coming to your shows? That's lame!" Rich giggled "How much are we talking about, tho?"

"Oh, you wish we payed you to see your face." Moshe said, getting away from me and rushing to Rich to fake punch him.

"I need to be a hot bartender?" He teased and I could see the huge smirk on his face when Tina and I looked shocked and Élise and Moshe almost pale.

"STUPIDE!" Élise screamed, joining Moshe in the punches that now didn't see like too friendly.

Tina walked close to me, mumbling in my ear "What do you think that means?"

"Maybe they know each other since a lot time ago." They all looked like such old friends, if they told me they graduated high school together I would believe it.

"No, no that." Tina whined "The hot bartender mention"

"Wasn't that a joke?"

Tina rolled her eyes and she pulled me aside, holding both of my hands and looking into my eyes. Her purple makeup looked so good in this light.

"Yeah, silly but you know how some jokes need a punchline to work. Well, maybe the punchline is a inside joke."

"So... is a joke?" I was confused but I guess Tina knew better than me.

"I hate you sometimes!" She said, kinda laughing but looking frustrated. "What I mean is that they talked about us, they think we are hot. Or, well, at least Élise thinks I'm hot but..."

"I don't think Reid..."

"I'm not talking about Reid." Tina said, shaking her head and a cheesy smirk on her face. "Is Moshe, I think he's into you."

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: "After party."

<3

I didn't gave a second thought to Tina's mention of Moshe being into me. Specially when we arrived to the after party.

The métro was closed when we finally when out of the place of the event. Streets were full of people moving around and we quickly started to make our walk to the after party. I didn't really knew where we were, it was definitely a part of the city I haven't had the opportunity to explore yet, so I was walking lost in paying attention to the streets, the buildings and houses, the trees and street numbers. I even took a moment to see if I could get here on my own from my house and then I felt an arm slowly touch mine, in a subtle friction that made me come back to reality and look to my side. Reid was smiling at me, this was the first time he talked to me after the show.

"Hey, you never said anything about the show." He said, not in a complain tone but in an asking for my opinion.

"It was nice to finally heard the songs, I loved them." I said trying not to sound too dumb.

Reid gave me a shy smile, he looked like he really took his work seriously and he liked the feedback. I understood the feeling and I wanted to talk to him about his songs but some part of me was worry about how I would act in those conversation, sometimes talking too much was my biggest flaw and oversharing with Reid was not in my plans so I need it too keep it as objective as possible. "Yeah? What did you like about them?"

I faked to needing time to think. "Well, I really like your writing."

"Thank you." He nodded. "Do you have any critics?"

I had and kinda feel ashamed for even have something to say when writing was not my biggest skill in the moment.

"Not really" I started, weirdly putting one of my curls behind my ear. "Should I?" I waited for a second, feeling kinda uncomfortable because he was watching while we kept walking, listening.

Deep inside me, I was waiting for him to be an absolute asshole. It had happen before, specially with lead singers of bands, they tend to be really pretentious and critics are not they favorite thing at all. Lisa knows all about how dramatic can it be. And honestly, his reaction was gonna be a deal breaker between me and my attraction to him. I also gave my safe answer, because at the end of the day, what do I know?

However, to my surprise and kinda making me feel annoyed, he gave me a perfect answer.

"You are right." He giggled, looking a little blushed. "I shouldn’t expect you to." I looked at him while he pulled his hair out his face for the wind, hoping to hide to excited expression. "I’m glad you liked us."

"And all that people did too, you guys did great." I said, honestly.

"Yeah, that was crazy" Reid looked at me through his eyelashes while he took out a pack of cig from his pocket. "I thought I was not going to enjoy it but I did."

"Why no? Can you even see the public from up there?" I mumbled, taking my focused back to my steps instead of him.

Reid held out the cig for me and I took it, avoiding his eyes. "Maybe in other stages, but on this one I could see everything. Front row people’s faces were very clear, so they made me a little nervous" He took a drag of his cig and thought for a second.

For the first time I took a sip of my cig and gave him a small smile. "You didn't look nervous at all. You looked very confident."

"Yeah, is all about faking it until you make it, right." Reid jocked, softly giggling while talking.

There was a few minutes of silence, when we both concentrated on our own smokes and steps. Then, I remember we are holding a conversation where I’m not completely shaken up about them, so I try and continue, not wanting to ruin the moment.

"Are you in a writing major?" I asked, striking softly my cig so the ashes would let go. Reid nodded while taking a drag of his cigar. "How is it?" Is not like I wanted to major in writing, I was just curious about college.

"Is all that I ever wanted... and I kinda hate it for it." I softly laugh next to him. "Don't get me wrong, I love it. But is still challenging and... a big reminder that you are not the only twenty year old writing about their sad life. There's a bunch of us." He giggled.

I stopped walking and turned to meet his eyes with a soft frown in my face. "Mmm, what kind of twenty year old do you think I am?"

Reid's eyes burned mine and my knees felt weak. Without noticing, I asking him to read me in a way and now I was feeling a little intimidated, standing there, watching the smoke slowly leave his body through his nose while his eyes tortured me and then, fucking then, gave me a sad smile. "Lost." He said in a soft tone and I felt like fliching for a second but Reid was right and I knew it. "But that doesn't mean is forever." He added, giving me a sympathetic gesture.

"Only all my twenties." I added in a silly tone, in a way to keep the tension down.

"Nah." Reid shook his head, his hair moving along. "I gave it a year and you'll be fine."

I pulled on eyebrow up, teasing him. "And how are you sure?"

"I’m not." Reid shrugged and concentrated on his smoke for a moment to then throw it away. "But hope does work sometimes."

"What if I don’t have hope left?" I always felt that way about myself. Like I don't really believe things will actually get better even though is all I’m reaching for.

Reid gives me a sad smile and moves forward to grab my hand, squeezing it softly between his and looking my with sympathy eyes, “You can take some of mine”

I chuckle, feeling my face burn out of shame and flattering at the same time. I don’t expect him to say nice things, yet he’s good at conforming words.

We arrived to a big old building again, soft green color and brown windows. From the outside we could see the big party that was going around, the neon lights shining through the window. All the way stairs up Rich ranting on about the host of the party and how he owned him money from a poker game.

"You don't even play poker." Moshe said in a sarcastic serious tone.

Rich shuggered with a silly smile "He doesn't know that."

Tina holded my hand when we finally arrived to the door of the apartment of the party. It was nice to know she was next to me in this place I've never been before. I felt Reid present behind me but holded my desire to look behind me. At this point it was hard for me not to show how much I was attracted to him and his constant flirty and passional way to talk.

The place was a big living room with neon lights in the ceiling and a dark smoke effect that looked like a smoke machine but due the smell I was sure it was weed. People dance around each other, holding drinks and passing around joints. The place felt warm despite the cold weather outside and I immediately felt the need to put my jacket off.

Élise took us to the small closet next to the kitchen door, where we holded ours coats and I made sure to have my cigarettes box in my purse. Before I could even turn around to see more of the place, I felt Tina's hand hold my wrist and I was being pulled to the dance floor.

I didn't had a lot of opportunities to dance in my teenage, not in the way people dance in parties at least. My first party ever was with Cassie and I was awkward and uncomfortable while dancing. Now, after countless parties and working in bar, I've learn that in a party no one is looking at you, everyone is focused on having their own fun.

So I did, I had a lot of fun dancing at parties. It was I wasn't able to do it as often do to my job but every time I had the change, the same euphoric feeling of freedom filled my body. I moved my body around feeling relax and having fun, from time to time stopping to dance along with Tina and Élise that stayed next to me all the time. I could see Rich and Jeny dancing together and, behind them and surrounded by people, there was Moshe and Reid. They weren't dancing, just chatting with all of the public that was more than willing to listen to them.

Then, Reid's eyes met mine and I felt the need to look away, but my reckless stage was more than turn on, and kept my eyes on him while I kept moving in the rhythm of the music. He gave me a smirk, not being shy when ignoring everyone around him to focused on moving his eyes all the way up and down my body. I knew we just arrived but I wanted to take him somewhere private, where we could again...

Élise body bumped into mine in a dancing move and I matched her energy moving closer to her to dance together. She moved forward a little, screaming her words for the loud music.

"I saw that." She told me with a playful tone.

"What?" I pretended to not know what she was talking about.

"He's really into you, you know that?" Élise gave a devious smile when she revealed the secret.

I didn't knew that. Somehow I always wanted to believe that Reid was still into the idea of hooking up with me but just because we already did, so the process was easier now. However, not him actually being into me was in my mind. Not even if I was, indeed, into him.

"Good to know." I said, grinning in confidence. I was sober of substances but high on the feeling of doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing before.

And that also was having sex with Reid.

I made my way to the kitchen of the place. Hoping for a drink to help me in my now, new goal of the night. The kitchen was empty and the only light came from a little lamp in the window. The table was full of random glasses and I choose the one that looked like coke with something I could really taste. As a bartender, it was funny that I didn't knew nothing about alcohol. I was having my second slow sip when I heard the door go open and I turned around planning to leave to avoid any talk with a stranger.

Reid was standing there, back leading to the wall next to the door, his hands in his pockets and smirk in his face. I smiled at him, putting my cup up again to my mouth but my eyes stayed in his. I didn't knew what it was but his eyes were brighting and I felt my stomach go wild in excitement.

"Having fun?" Reid asked, his hair falling into his forehead when his head layed down a little in a cocky move.

"I'm starting..." I said, keeping myself away, hoping for him to be the one to move closer.

Reid's eyebrow moved up and he smile to the ground when I pulled the cup down in the table again.

"Are you having fun?" I asked him, keeping my hands in edge of my skirt to distract them from shaking.

He slowly moved away from the wall, now standing straight and slowly walking to me "I'm starting..."

"Yeah?" I teased, giving him my best innocent smile.

Reid nodded and stop walking a few centimeters away from me. He kept his hands in his pockets, even if his eyes were inviting, there was a clear distance.

"You look really pretty..." He mumbled, eyes on me like he showed before he was not shy to do.

My smile slowly appeared on my face, not only feeling affected for the compliment but also in my attente to being flirty. "Thank you... you..."

Tina and Élise entered the room. A full mess of hands and kisses, I was sure I saw a tongue. They were unaware of our present, completely consume on each other and I felt ashamed to be witnessing their interaction so I look back at Reid. He was trying to be quiet, but I knew he wanted to laugh. I stare at him, also slowly starting to laugh at the situation. We didn't know what to do.

Élise put her hand inside of Tina's skirt and, quickly, her loud moan followed. We breaked, completely lots in our laughs and giggles. We were so uncomfortable we didn't know what else to do. Honestly, we couldn't find a better way to let them know our presence before things go heavier between them.

Reid and I stood there, in a uncomfortable silence and funny low smirks. He was the one that cleared his throat before Tina could took Élise skirt off. They broke apart, looking at us with a goofy expression and red eyes.

"Ops..." Élise said before stabilizing herself in the floor, her feets with a mind on their own. "This room is busy." she said to Tina but loud enough to all of us heard the teasing tone.

Tina took her hand, being the one that look the more sober, and started to pulled her out of the room. "Have fun, you two..." Of course she teased before leaving, giving me a wink.

"Yeahhhhh, have fun, you two." Élise blutter a laughed and their giggles were loud enough for us to heard even when we were alone.

I let out a laugh when we were fill with a weird silence. Outside the loud music was still playing. Reid laughed next to me, slowly moving a few centimeters closer. "They are wasted." He mentioned.

"And you?" I saw him smoke some weed before the show but didn't noticed if he had anything to drink.

"Sober enough..." His voice was deep and raspy, his eyes burning some place in my neck I couldn't tell, maybe my rising heart beat.

"Sober enough? For what?" I played silly, keeping my face and little layed down so I could look at him from my eyelashes.

"I think you know..." His eyes went back to mine and he slowly swallowing before closing the distance between us.

His hand closed around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to his kiss. It was desperate but slowly, with our painting breaths finding each other when our lips met again, his tongue quickly teasing my bottom lip and my mouth was open at the next second. My hands took a grip of his hair, our kiss going deep and Reid's free hand moving to grab my waist and pull my body closer to his.

My chest pressed against his, feeling the warm feeling of his body making me dizzy and moan, the vibrating sound making Reid groan. Our passionate kiss breaking, leaving us breathless and flushed against each other.

"Let's... find somewhere more private." He mumbled to my lips.

I nodded quickly and Reid was pulling my hand immediately, guiding us out of the kitchen. When walked through the full living room, Reid avoiding to talk to anyone in a rush to get somewhere. I thought we were leaving the place, but Reid reached the hall that had four door and took me with confidence to the last one in the hall. There was a few people in the hall, sharing joints and giving us looks when we walked pass. I tried to ignored them, realizing that Reid didn't even look at their direction. He opened the door for me, letting me get in first. He was closing the door when I heard it.

"Fuck, I need a groupie." One of the man in the hall said in a frustrated groan.

"Fuck off." Was all he said before closing the door and pulling the lock. "Sorry about that." He said when he turned around to look at me.

I walked around the room, looking at the walls full of pictures and a shelf full of cameras. "Who's room is this?" I asked, moving closer to see one of the pictures of the wall. It was the band, they all look younger and had different hair styles.

"It's Jeni's" He said, moving next to me to follow me around the tour of pictures of the wall. "She doesn't mind." He added later.

"When was this?" I asked, pointing out the picture in the wall where the band was in a small stage, all dress in formal clothing.

"Some college event thing. A year ago." He was behind me, slowly approaching when I finally felt his chest touch my back and his breath hitting the back of my neck.

"A year a go?" I said, ignoring how much my body responded to his. "You all look way too younger." Reid had gray hair, not dark like now, that made his features look brighter and not mysterious as it did now. Élise was hairless, like literally, she was bald. It made sense that a year later her hair was abode her shoulders. Moshe didn't had as much tattoos as now and his hair was shorter, still long tho.

"I don't know" He mumbled, his hand slowly moving to my waist where his fingers carefully moved. "We work harder now maybe that makes you age worse."

I wheezed and turned my head around to look at him, almost surprised as how close he was even though I could felt how close he was before. "I didn't mean it like that..." I mumbled too, taking advantage of the closeness and silent.

Reid moved forward to close the small space between the tip of our nose and his eyes moved from my mouth to my eyes, making my cheeks burn. "Mmm, I know..."

He is the one that kisses me, slowly touching our lips and then tracing his tongue to my bottom lip, making me gasp in the small move and my knees almost fail when I felt his teeth bite me. Slowly and teasing, waiting for me to react and I gave him a quick one, moaning slowly against his mouth. My heart is beating fast and my whole body felt uneasy, like something need to be fix and Reid was the one that could make it.

He releases my lip, moving back a little to have a good look of my blushed face. His hand grab my chin, pulling my face up and giving me a dangerous grin.

We are both ready for what is coming.

Chapter Text

Chapter 9: "Breakdown."

<3

It was sudden and for a moment I was so confused that I stayed silence.

Reid kissed me in such a slow and teasing way that I was fighting my urge to jump on him. I responded to his kissed and it affected me more than I expected, making my breath hard to catch because I was busy moaning against his mouth. His hands were crushed on my body, moving to my hips and waist to grab my breast in both hands. Slowly but firm and I immediately arched my back to move closer to his touch.

Behind my mind was the fact we were in someone else's room but if he mention Jeny didn't mind, then I guess I would believe him. I was that much not in my head right now, I was just aware of my body and the feelings that Reid provoked on me.

I felt a rush through my body and I pushed Reid backwards, making him trip on the edge of the bed and I let my hands on his shoulders. He looked at me through his eyelashes, tracing his bottom lip with his tongue while his eyes burned in my skin. I felt my eyes go heavy and I was totally enchanted by the look of him. His hair was messy but pulled away from his face, his cheeks looked red and my eyes quickly moved to his rapid chest, where his black silk chemise was opened, his clavicules, breastbone and a little of his top stomach was all on my view, with a small cape of sweat. When I finish looking him up, my eyes moved back to his eyes but got distracted by the gaze of his lips. Red and swallow, open and painting while his dark eyes had a small bright of something dangerous, something inviting.

I moved to sit on his lap on a quick move, putting both of my legs at each corner of his hips, making a comfortable seat of his lap and the hard on in his pants. Reid whizzed on my ear and grab my ass to press me harder down to him. The friction of our center making us moan in a loud noise.

"You are so wet." Reid mumbled in my check before leaving a kiss on it. His other hand moving to my center while he squeezed my ass in a most rapid way.

I was really turn on. For some reason, I was needy and impatient, kinda hating that our foreplay took a while before I was so there. I couldn't understand really why, so I tried to just follow his lead before my body's reaction were kinda surprising me.

His finger tranced my center over my underwear, making me whined and grab on his hair for balance. I was burning on fire, feeling my stomach on a deep knot I want it to stop.

"Reid, quick." I begged, holding myself to the edge I felt myself in. Desperate with my face burning and my breath getting stuck in my throat.

"Quick?" He mumbled in my ear, his warm breath causing me goosebumps. "What do you want quick?" His hand moved under my underwear, softly tracing my clit in a move that made me shiver.

"You..." I gasped, moving my hands from his shoulders to finish undoing his shirt.

I saw the grin on his face when he started to move his fingers faster in my nerves. "Like this?" his voice sounded like melted honey on your mouth.

I didn't know if I wanted to say yes or not so I just let out whatever went in my blurry mind in the moment. "Yes, yes... no... you... oh, yes." I couldn't form a single thought, too busy thinking of how much I wanted him, how was he making me feel. The burn in my lower stomach was getting harder to ignore and I moved my hip against his fingers and squeezed mine his open shirt, desperately needing to grab something.

Reid giggled with a sexy expression, his eyes dark and brightening. "You don't make sense, love."

If a voice could make me cum it was gonna be his.

"Is so good." I moaned, his fingers sliding into me making me whimper. "I want you, Reid... ah, yes." His fingers curled into me when I said his name.

I was about to bounce my hips when he pulled his hand away and felt like whined but I just bitten my lip in a confused expression. That didn't last long because quickly Reid pulled me into a kiss, my hands grabbing his shirt harder when he shifted us, making my back hit the bed.

His tongue caught me out ward, a small gap leaving my lips before I could follow his quick lead. I pulled his shirt off him, taking the opportunity to touch his arms, scapular and hard back. Reid pinned my hips into the bed, avoiding the friction I was trying to stole. His mouth moved to my neck, leaving wet and long kissed all the way down to my collarbones, where he sucked the skin for a long time, to my chest and my breast.

Reid's nose touched my nipple before his mouth sofly parted and his tongue gave me a lick and the sucked my whole nipple between his lips. My nails went down into his back, my vision getting blurry for how much I was feeling. Before I could beg for him to just finish the foreplay, he moved to my stomach and pelvis. HIs mouth carefully trailed the way to my center, where he gave a big exhale and his mouth devoured me.

It was so good I curved my back, hardly keeping my eyes open for how good this was. Reid was shocking a hard pleasure in my back. However, in the middle of my high I opened my eyes and stared in the white empty ceiling. Despite how distracted I was two seconds ago, feeling unraveled in Reid's touch, now everything was memories and pain.

I saw bunch of eyes staring at me. You are a slut, Ress, is all you know how to do. It was painful, a crush in my chest. I hated myself the moment I felt this but in the pass almost anymore realized, so I just putted my hand down in Reid's hair, slowly grabbing to make him think I'm still into it. However, my head was in space.

A different burn on my stomach started to form and I felt nauseous. I took a thigher grab in his hair to feel support for wanted to cry. I hoped my quick breathing was confused by sex noises. My eyes burned in a familiar cloud of sadness. I wanted to leave, I wanted to stop, but I didn't wanted him to see me like that. I was so embarrassed every time I cried.

I closed my eyes, hoping to making my breathing more slow and trying to stop the tears already wetting my eyes. I begged for him to just finish so I can go home and finally cry. I started to count on my head, hoping the minutes would go quickly. I was about to get to 50 when I felt Reid slowly touch my shoulder. I opened my eyes quickly, surprised he wasn't doing what he was.

Then, I realize, it was probably a while ago I stopped feeling him but ignored it. I looked into his eyes, trying to hide how ashamed I was. I couldn't read his expression, usually his sex eyes are expressive and seductive, the stars of the room. This, however, was kinda frowning, kinda pitty and confusion. I stayed in silence, not knowing what to say. Reid gave me a soft touch with his thumb on my shoulder and my body feel kinda relieved I was feeling some soft affection. It was nice, is been a while.

"Ress." Reid mumbled, his tone was down and slow, like he was about to ask a question. "Are you okay? I lost you, love." He said, being careful with his words.

A burn when up my throat, feeling exposed and seen. "I am." I lied and cleared my throat when I realized how my voice sounded. I faked a smile, making a bad job at hiding my wet eyes.

Reid laid down in the bed, his elbow giving him support. He gave me a sad smile. "No, you aren't, Ress. Was it something I did?" His thumb move more insistent in my shoulder.

I quickly shaked my head. "No, no, you did nothing wrong." I traced my face with my heads, trying to take away the disgusting depressive expresion it was on it.

"Then was wrong?" He asked then, didn't seen ready to let the conversation go as much as I wanted to.

I shaked my head, moving my eyes to the ceiling again. This time I was avoiding his eyes. "I don't know." I lied.

"Are you sure? You sounded like you were having some type on anxiety attack." I heard him say.

I let out a soft ironic laugh. "And how would you know?" I said, feeling annoyed by his insistence.

Reid shuggered. "I have them sometimes."

I didn't answer. Quickly feeling ashamed for my responde, specially after freaking out like that in the middle of having sex. I took a deep breath and said slowly. "I don't know..."

I didn't. I've never had an opportunity to check on my mental health, even when I been feeling kinda not okay since a long time now.

"Want some help?" Reid asked slowly. I couldn't understand what he meant but I nodded either way. I was that desperate to stop feeling like this, specially in front of a stranger. "Okay." he took my hand, slowly and looking at me all the time, maybe looking for a sign for me to pull away again. I didn't. His hand was warm and I surprised of how warm I felt it when he said. "You are freezing." I couldn't tell if I was but suddenly my legs shaked. "Now breath with me, okay? Inhale, deep. Now, exhale. Yeah, like that." I followed his orders, actually struggling to follow his fluid rhythm. "Is okay, go slow." He kept instructing me and I followed his breathing.

My eyes went shut, my whole body trembling either for the cold I was suddenly feeling or how shaked up I was. Reid's thumb draw circles in my head, giving more of that soft touch that was so stranger now. I like it, I concentrated in the feeling of it, the few memories of it and finally my breathing stopped being uneven and I was inhaling and exhaling just as he was.

"That's it, that's good. Keep breathing like that." Reid mumbled and I opened my eyes, maintaining my breathing and realizing how close he was to me. He was laying on his side, his whole body turned to mine, it was giving like a warm blanket, his face was close and his eyes were still in that weird expression I couldn't really read. He gave me a small smile and I smiled at him back.

"Thank you." I mumbled moments later, when we finally stopped the breathing and I was feeling better. I wasn't shaking anymore but it was cold, I got goosebumps and he noticed, his arm moving slowly up and down my arm.

"You cold?" He asked and before I could answer, he was pulling one of his arm around my shoulders and another in my waist, pulling my body to his and hugging me. Immediately, his warm skin gave me relief and I relaxed in his arms, slowly hugging him to. "There, that right. You are okay. You are safe." Reid mumbled in my ear and moved his hand up and down my back.

"Thank..."

"Don't thank me, Ress. Is okay." His hand keep his movements in my back and I became enchanted in the conform and warm, how relaxing and calm this was. I didn't even cared this was the first time someone did this for me. I let my eyes slowly go closed, letting myself fall in his arms.

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 10: "Blackout."

<3

I woke up first.

I felt this big warm blanket all our me and I tried to moved away but couldn't. I was trapped in arms and my arms were trapped in a body. The moment I realized the position we slept in, all the memories of last night came in a hurricane and I wanted to disappear. I was afraid of opening my eyes, his breathing was soft and slow so I was sure he was sleep but I wasn't even brave enough to face the consequences of my actions just now.

I was ashamed. The last thing I ever did in my life was sharing my personal things, my emotions specially. Cassie hated me for it for most of the time but eventually things just came to her without me even opening my mouth. Specially because those people were fucking noise. Cassie never brought it up until I did and that was years after we we've been friends.

Reid was a stranger in my books. Not a stranger as in a don't know who he is but a stranger as in i don't know if he can keep my secrets yet. I was debating myself between trying my best to squeeze out of him or face the consequences. I didn't want to. I was ashamed that he saw me in a state that I couldn't even name, vulnerable and weak.

He was really nice last night. Didn't made me feel uncomfortable, I wasn't even uncomfortable now. I actually kinda liked the way he was still holding me, both in our sizes, facing each other, our arms around each other, my head under his chin. This was... nice. It was a confort Cassie used to give me when we were kids, sadly while growing up she started to not like physical touch that much so hugs became just a special occasion thing. I remember Reid mentioned that he has anxiety attacks too, so I maybe he was gonna be nice this morning too. Or maybe he wasn't. That part of me on my brain was cursed and never letting me go, making me unable to not untrust people at least a little bit. I don't fully trust anyone but me, even Cassie sometimes gives me the small overthink but I've learn how to control myself with time. The feeling is still there, tho.

I already decided, since last night while falling asleep, that I needed to make up a lie to excuse the attack. I wasn't gonna bright it up, the excuse was me being prepare in case he asked questions. Reid is the one person I've sleep with that makes the most questions, sadly also the one I've had to lie the most just because of it. I wish he didn't ask me anything and ask him not to do it is way too suspicious, is a clear sign of a secret so lying was safer.

I tried to put aside the part of my completely worrying about anything, to wake up the part of me that loved details. Reid's arms were warm around me, never moving away from my back. His leg was above mine, bringing me closer to him. Our chest were touching and, still eyes closed, I remember he didn't had a shirt off so I was quickly conscious of his skin under my arms. His skin was really soft. He smelled like something I couldn't name but it was sweet and sour at the same time. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out in my mind and I heard him wake up.

Actually, I felt him. His arms moved around me, he was pulling away maybe surprised we kept this position over the night, but stopped the second he remember, too, my arms around him. I felt him stay still but trying to create some space between our faces anyways. I waited for a few minutes, pretending to be sleep and waiting for a reaction of his.

Nothing. So I slowly faked to wake up. My eyes got open and he was laying way closer than I was expecting. His left cheek in the pillow, hair messy falling in his forehead, right cheek and eyes. His eyes felt more like he was waiting for me to do the first movement, he look sleepy still but mostly just serious. He gave me a small smile when my eyes finally met his and I smile back, trying my best not to cringe at myself when I started to pulled my arms away and he quickly followed.

My arms felt tired, that position definitely hurted me and by the way he was moving his arms I could tell he was feeling the same pain I was. I laid still, just moving my wrists a little bit.

"Morning." I heard and I looked up at him immediately in a reflex. Mostly because I've never been in this situation so now I was indeed uncomfortable.

"Morning." I tried to said, my throat felt like shit for all the crying and I was sure my eyes were swallow as fuck. I must look terrible.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his eyes keeping precaution and giving me a sympathetic smile.

So it was coming and I was ready, kinda, mostly, I think, so I first need to win myself some time and just go with the flow, trying to ignore everything that happened last night.

"I'm okay." I simply said. "You? Are your arms tired?" I changed the subject as quick as I could, taking advantage of the fact that he was stretching his arms a little, it was hard not to notice when the rest of his body was still.

Reid gave me a softly smile. "Yeah, that was dumb of me, sorry."

"Oh, no, is okay." I was sure I looked mortified because of how quickly I answered that.

Reid didn't seen to noticed, he was looking down at me moving my wrist around. He pulled his hands out for me. "Can I?"

I was getting really confused at this point. Is not like this meant anything but I just never received something for someone for free. I always had something to give back and with him I was sure he maybe wanted sex but it was confusing because that was still on the table, what was this for them?

I still gave him my hands, not because I was lost it mean I wanted to lost his touch. I'm not gonna feel guilty for liking how something make me feel. Reid slowly traced circles on my wrist and slowly went up, actually telling me how to move my shoulder to made it feel better and it worked. He quickly did the same with the other arm and I swear my whole body relaxed for the first time in like ten hours.

"Thank you." I mumbled, concentrated in enjoying how relief I felt for a second.

My guard was up, I couldn't help but wait anxiously for the moment I've been waiting for since I woke up and, the moment Reid seated at the edge of the bed and look back at me, I waited again.

"Do you want some breakfast?" He offered, a warm smile on his lips.

He was nice... and that was starting to make me worry. Is hard for me to trust men, is the reason why all my last hook up had been women, and his constant decent act was so good it seen way too good to be truth. I nodded, leaving my thought aside. When Reid stood up and took his shirt form the floor was when I remember he didn't had it on all night, while I was all dress up and feeling uncomfortable for sleeping with all my accessories.

"Get yourself comfortable, I'll be back." Reid said before leaving me alone.

I took all my accessories off, feeling my head tired for the clips and my earrings, I took off bracelets and bra, feeling my back like a whole stone. I slept with all my makeup on and my eyes felt heavy and messy. I find my out of the bed and into the bathroom, trying to make myself not look bad. This is the first time I've ever woken up with someone so I don't know how the morning ritual worked. I just did what felt right for me, like washing my face and stealing a brand new teeth brush from under the sink.

I debated if I should take my clothes off but didn't wanted to make things more confusing between Reid and I. I seated in the edge of the bed, waiting for him and moving my eyes around the room, thinking about where did Jeni slept last night and, also, not like is my business but why can Reid just use her room as a hookup place...

Door was open, Reid's feet pushing it so he could walk inside, carrying my bag in one arm and a wooden tray. I stand up, trying to help but he ignores me until he puts the tray in the middle of the bed. It was simple eggs and waffles with syrup, fruit and coffee. I gave him a smile, actually feeling really thankful. No one, ever, had taking me breakfast to bed before. I was sure a little way too moved so I focused on something else to change the subject.

"Is that my bag?"

Reid took it off of his arm and lead it to me, "Yeah, it was in the hallway closet. Rich said your phone is been going on since early morning."

I frowned. I never got phone calls, all the ones I received from Cassie were usually scheduled because our busy time. I took my phone out, making myself more comfortable in bed while Reid started to eat. Indeed, I've got multiple calls from Cassie, which was odd and due to my lack of answer, after all of the missed calls notifications was the email she send me.

"Eat." Reid said softly and I look up him, seeing him with a relax grin and sipping from his cup of coffee, he looked specially handsome with his morning glow.

I putted my phone away, not wanting to read whatever had Cassie calling me before. After last night, I was still fragile and another breakdown in front of Reid was gonna be the most mortifying moment of my life and I would immediately not see him again. I concentrated in the food, again loving the fact that this was the first time I eat breakfast in bed with someone.

"Thank you for the breakfast." I said, trying my best that my smile doesn't get creepy for how big it is.

"Moshe made it for all of us, he said he hoped you liked black coffee because we run out of milk." He was being so chill and nice, never trying to make me feel uncomfortable.

"Where's Jeni? I thought this was her room." I said while casually having my fruit.

"She was with Rich, is fine, she rarely uses her bed lately." Reid rolled his eyes, joking.

It honestly didn't seem like we were bothering anyone, Reid's vibe was nothing but calm and still, taking his breakfast like it was close to noon already. I eated in silence, having zero ideas in how to deal with this situation. I was used to be alone, eat alone if in more specific so this routine was a stranger.

However, silence was nice. It wasn't weird at all, I sip my coffee and dare to look back at him and he was doing the same, a big grin on his face when our eyes met. I was nice, we were eating together and it felt nice, I used to have lunch at school with Cassie but silence was never an adiccion. This silence was comfortable, nice, full of calm.

"How do you ended up working in a bar?" He asked moment later, our plates empty and the wood tray in the table.

I giggled. "Why?" I just figured he must had other simmilars or random jobs.

Reid leaned on his back, his across the bed and arm behind his head. "You are painter... a bar is not a job I think it fits it."

I pulled my legs up to my chest, leaving my chin on my knee. "It was about money, not about... what I like."

Reid whizzed. "Is it fun?"

He looked even more relax now that we ate. His eyes were still heavy on my but they were calm and full of honesty, I couldn't explain it properly even to myself but they were brighting differently. I shugerred and smile back at him, trying to cope on his energy. "I liked the music."

"Yeah?" He tease "Is it that bad?" I knew he was joking, specially for the way his eyes looked like when he looked into me, asking me the question with his expression.

"It not bad… tiring, yeah." I shocked my head, a grin in my face. "I've never been so tired in my life"

"I’m glad you were able to take a break." Reid said, his hand softly touching mine and squeezing it. "You had a nice time?”

"Yeah, a lot" I was getting shy "I’m sorry that I…"

"Stop.” I looked up at him, surprised by his word but I saw a bright smile.

I sigh and lay down on the bed, thinking it’s late and I probably leave, thinking that maybe I’ve expended too much time here already and he already saw a part of me I was not exactly willing to share.

“So… “ laying down on the bed, he looked relaxed “what is the hardest drink to make?

I laughed, not expecting that random question “I’m not very good with names, reason why Mery should’ve fired me but she hasn’t"

"Mery is too nice to do that" he started, then he looked beside him and tapped at the bed. "Lay down, you look tense."

"Mmm." I couldn't help but smirk. “Or do you have other motives?”

"You’ll have to wait and see" His eyebrow went up, a playful expression on him.

I giggled, laying down on my back next to him. I was tense, actually, thinking too much about everything and feeling the deep shame behind last night. It was nice that he was being cool about it, but I clearly wasn’t.

Reid moved around to look at me, his hand under his head so he could see straight to my face and made a shiver run up my body. He studied me for a few second, before mumbling "So is there a hard drink to make”

I chuckle, he was good at distracting me. “Theres this one where you need to shake it for like ten minutes straight to get the perfect texture. It’s painful.”

He smirked, his other hand slowly started moving up and down my arm. "Who would be so pretentious to order one of those?."

"Oh, working in a bar gives you the opportunity to meet a lot of pretentious people" I realize I was more relaxed now, my body slightly moving to face his.

"What about me? Am I pretentious?" He joked but I still shocked my head quickly.

"No, you are… great." His thumb started to move circles around my skin.

"Yeah?" He leaned closer to me. “You are great too, love”

I got brave enough to use my hand to move his hair off his forehead. I looked at his eye all the time, trying to tell if he didn't wanted me to touch him but he lets me. I curled my fingers around the little curls falling onto his cheekbone and I pulled it back, stroking his head while I moved the hair behind his ear. Reid's free hand traced my stomach with the tip of his fingers and then slowly moving to my waist.

Were my eyes just like him? Full of a deep and strong desire, seducing and teasing. All the air between us changed. I was surprised he was not totally freaked out about me freaking out. He looked at me with desire and want and the realization made me shiver with anticipation.

"Reid..." I tried to start but I couldn't, I was breathless. I realized how much I was holding my breath.

He kisses me, stealing my breath away and pushing all my body against him. I let myself melt in to his body, get surrounded by his touch and smell, let myself not think of anything else but how good he makes me feel. How good he is at distracting me.

<3

A

Chapter Text

Chapter 11: “Soft.”

<3

It felt good. I was on top of him, squeezing his hips with my thighs, moving my hips around from time to time. His hands were on my ass, hips and waist, up and down, never stopping. Reid sucked my tongue into his mouth and I moaned, pulling his hair, the place where my hands hadn't left. It's been like fifteen minutes or something, maybe more, and we were just hooking up. The kiss started full of senxual tension and teasing and by the moment he pulled on to him, I knew it was coming.

Last time we took a long time with foreplay and now it seems like it was the same. Not a hurry, just enjoying the fact that we were kissing, slow and sensual, full of teasing and desire while touching each other. It felt so good, we been doing for a while because, fuck, it feels great.

I like foreplay. Allows me to connect a little more before the sex. Reid was so good at teasing and playing, he looked like he enjoyed the fact that he caused me reactions. I noticed when he pushed my hips with his hands to move my core against his, making me moan into his mouth. He was grinning when I opened my eyes a second later, a dark bright in his eyes. Fuck, he was fucking hot.

“Do you want it, love?” He mumbled against my mouth. He squeezed my ass, pulling all my weight down to him.

I grabbed harder into his hair. “Yes, Reid…” I didn’t know if it was because of last night's unfortunate interruption but I still pretty much wanted to hook up with him. At this point, I was grateful to know he wanted me too after watching me have a mental breakdown.

His breathing hit my cheeks and he grinned, getting away from the kiss and laying on the bed in a chill expression. “Is a lover soft or is a lover rough?” His eyes brightened in the hint of the joke from last night's question.

I rolled my eyes, moving my hands up and down his chest and stomach. “You know what I think.”

“Oh no.” Reid shaked his head and gave my thigh a squeeze. “You gotta choose this time.” He looked very pleased with himself, his eyes were red because of the weed and his lips red because of our kiss.

I stayed silent, actually not knowing what to choose. “Why?” I asked.

Reid shurred. “Is just fun, love, trying new things. But we do whatever you want.” He stroked my waist, making me feel more secure with his answer.

It was fun. I liked that he was nice and then switch to complely fuck me senseless. Now, choosing what version I liked better after such short experience was hard but I guess I was gonna try it.

“Soft.” I said, just for the sake of it being almost noon and everyone in the apartment awake. There was no music to hide our sounds anymore and it was then that I noticed I couldn’t hear anything outside either.

Reid's grin got bigger, now looking even more excited, I think he maybe thought I wouldn’t answer. “As you please, love.”

I could say anything else because he immediately turned us around, making my back hit the bed. His mouth landed on my neck, leaving a trace of open mouth kisses down to my clavicules. His arms were still around my waist, his hands slowly moving up my back, making my arch to give him more space.

Reid sucked under my ear and started to pull his hands down my shirt, touching my back and making me shiver. His fingers quickly undo my bra and move down, stroking my skin and moving around to my stomach.

He pulled away, looking down at my stomach when he started to pull my shirt up, taking it off me. I pulled my arms up, making it easier for the shirt to leave my body. Before he could do anything, I pulled my hands on the edge of his shirt and pulled up, letting him know I wanted him to take his off too. Reid did it, pulling his hands behind him and taking the shirt off in a quick motion I found so sexy.

Shirt on the floor, Reid moved forward to kiss my clavicules again, moving down slowly to the center of my chest and grabbed my two breasts with his hands while leaving a wide open kiss. I pulled his hair and arched my back, wanting to feel his lips in other places but he was taking his time. I knew he was by the second I said the word.

His thumbs found my nipples, slowly stroking from left to right making me whimper. I stroked the hair on the back of his neck, actually wanting to give some attention back but he was taking all the lead.

His mouth let open mouth kisses to his way to my right breast. I was tense, waiting for the feeling that was coming and then, I melted down in the bed, my head falling back and my eyes closing when his tongue gave my nipple a soft like, followed by a slow suck of his lips. My hips were moving under us, trying to feel a little bit of friction. He moved the hand that was replaced by his lips down to catch my thigh and move my leg to wrap it around his hip.

His lips sucked on my nipple again, distracting me, and a second later his hips were moving down, his hard on giving friction on my core. I moaned, moving my leg around him to feel him closer. His mouth let my breast and kept his way to the other.

“Soft like this?” he mumbled before sucking on my nipple.

I couldn’t answer. He always leaves me speechless, eyes closed and my mind on the point of pleasure he was exploring. He didn’t seem to mind my lack of answer, maybe because my reaction in general was more than clear, and moved to give my other nipple the same soft and pleasure feeling that had my toes curling.

“”Is it?” He asked again, his lips moving down to my stomach. Marching down in open kisses that caused shivers on my spine.

“Yes.. yes” I repeated, using my hands to push a little into his head, urging for him to move fast.

Reid found the zipper of my skirt and started to work on moving it down while his tongue traced my belly button, making my back arch and immediately taking that as an invitation to push up my lower back, taking down my skirt. I moved my legs, helping to get it off and sit in the bed, my hands holding my weight behind me.

He was on his knees and his eyes and his grin and his messy hair and… I was blushing. I felt my head going red and I looked away.

“What is it?” I heard him, a smile on his tone becuase of course he fucking noticed that.

I bite my lips and just shaked my head, I was gonna have a nervous laugh or some kind of stupid word vomit just for how nervous that question made me.

“Mmm.” was all I heard and seconds later Reid was opening my legs further, his hands moving from my knees to my thighs. “Are you okay, love?” He always called me love in a cocky but sexy tone, not romantic at all, just sexy in a way that made my stomach get on fire and I couldn’t understand how.

I nodded, still avoiding looking at him while I calmed down enough to not embarrass myself.

“You are not looking at me now, uh?” He asked, not in a complain but a teasing game. I didn’t know how to answer that and before I could think of a way to make this sexy, he won because he started to put my panties down. “You don’t have to look at me.” Reid said, his thumbs were the ones dragging the underwear down while the rest of his hand stroked my leg. “But I love to look at you, can I?”

I knew his eyes were on me and I looked back at them, feeling that question actually took away any sign of shame I could have and transformed into pure lust. His eyes, still kinda small and red, were very much demanding.

Reid’s eyes were so loud, the center so attention, the neon sign, the selling offers, the ice cream in hot afternoons, ocean waves, drugs.

I nod, feeling more speechless now that his eyes enchanted me.

Reid keeps his promise, because even when some of his hair got in the way, he looked at me. He looked at me all the time as he leaned forward my open legs, his shoulders now fitting between them.

His eyes were on me when his tongue slowly went out and gave a teasing lick to my clit. I took a deep breath, moving my hips for the feeling. His hands went to my hips, holding my softly against his mouth that now was making me a dead woman.

My arms actually shake, having a hard time holding myself in that position while I was feeling so much pleasure, it was impossible. I holded, not wanting to take my eyes out of Reid either. His gaze was exactly what kept me into him.

Reid started to move his tongue faster, moving in circles a couple times before sucking on my clit making me whisper. A big piece of his hair fell into his forehead, hiding his eyes and I quickly changed my weight to only hand, moving to take the hair out of his forehead and hold it back. Reid groaned against me and his lips and tongue sucked into my entrance and then my clit.

Now, I was accumulating all my stretch in my hold on his hair. Especially now that my legs were shaking so much.

“Reid, fuck.” I moaned, my arm giving up and falling on my back.

That didn’t stop me from keeping the hold on his hair and definitely didn’t stop him from grabbing his arm around my waist and holding me into his mouth to make me delirious. I became nothing but moans and gags, my breath having a hard time to catch with me but I was too busy thinking about something else. His mouth, it was all I was thinking.

Suddenly, it started. The feeling in my stomach of nothing and all, my core actually in fire. My legs were shaking before I could help it. “Oh, Reid.” I moaned, grabbing now with both of my hands his hair and moving my hips to his mouth. “I’m… i’m…”

He made a sound, one that vibrated into me and made me leave. I was gone. My eyes were shut and I couldn’t feel my legs or arms, not even my chest. All I could feel was an explosion, the feeling of being dizzy and a big crash.

I was painting for air in the bed, my eyes still shut for how much that took off me. Reid came back to me, slowly moving his way up to lean next to me. His hand found my chin and tilted to make me look at him. “Are you okay, love?”

I was painting for air still yet I leaned and kissed him. I went completely by my side to kiss him, holding onto his hair and face while he caught me right the same way. The kiss was a mess, a big proof of how eager we were of each other. My hips moving forward and his hands moving to my ass and things, pulling me closer to him.

“Fuck, Ress.”He said, moving away from the kiss and falling onto his back. I saw him quickly reach for the sleep pants he was wearing now, his more than obvious erection going free as he pulled down his boxers too. He reached for the condom on one of his pockets before leaving it on the floor. I let out a laugh and he followed, not killing the mood just making it more comfortable.

When the condom was on, I was ready to touch him when he did it first. His right arm went around my waist and his left one grabbed my leg. He pulled me against him, making me be on top of him, our naked core almost touching. My hands fell on his chest, his tattoo's soft skin was so warm.

I looked at him, really liking the way he was looking. His cheeks were red and his lips were swollen. His hair was falling into the pillow, a grin on his face to make it all better.

“You look so pretty from here.” Reid said, stroking my legs and reaching to grab my ass.

I smile slowly, loving whatever was going on now. My hips started to move back, finding my way to his cock but not putting inside me yet. Insted, I connected our centers in a way that made him grab my hips stronger.

“Fuck, Ress, I’m gonna be honest… I’m the one complaining about the foreplay now.”

I let out a laugh and leaned forward, letting my chest fall into his. My hands on the hair on the back of his neck. I kiss him in a way I’m just teasing him and hope he realizes, especially when he starts to move his hips up to find me but I don't let him.

I stop kissing him, moving back to sit on his lap. My hair kinda gets in the way when I try to look at him but I ignore it. “Soft?” That's all I ask.

Reid nods and his grin becomes the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. His lips parted, his tongue traced his bottom lip, his eyebrows went up just as his chest. I take his cock in my hand, helping my way to my core. I pushed down and immediately moaned at the feeling. Reid’s moan followed mine, making a loud echo. We were not as silent as we thought.

“Fuck, fuck…” He mumbles, his eyes force shut and his mouth open, painting for air. His hands squeezed my hips, making me move a little.

I gasp at the feeling, this position completely destroying me. I helped myself with my hands on his hips. I rolled my hips, forward and back. I could hear Reid’s groan, his hands grabbing me harder but I didn’t care.

I stopped, taking a moment to make sure my grab in his hips was enough and then I started to move. Riding up and down, gasping since my first second of pleasure because it was a lot. My head was back, facing the sink in a pleasure mask. My mouth was open, letting out loud moans.

Reid was right there with me, his hips sometimes would go up to find me, making me whimsper. One of his free hands moved from my hip to my waist, grabbing me to make me move faster on to him. My hand quickly travels to his hair, taking a much needed hold.

“Reid, fuck.” I moan, this position allowing all of this to be so intense.
“Yeah?” He mumbles, his mouth slightly open and swollen, His eyebrows up, all his face uncompone in pleasure.

I try to nod but I just close my eyes and move, my hips moving in circles, my legs feeling the burn of the effort but the burn of my belly wouldn’t let me stop. I, insted, put both of my hands in Reids chest and used it as balance to move faster.

Reid moans under me, his hands taking a big grab to my ass, pulling even closer to him if that is even possible. He was helping my moves to be faster, his hips finding me and I would let out small yelps when he hit the right stop.

“Oh, fuck, yes, there.. there.” I arched my back, all of my face facing the ceiling, my hair falling down my back.

I was being loud, unable to stop myself from making a sound. My nails went into his skin, the feeling being so strong and powerful my body almost couldn’t handle. I feel him move under me and I look down, seeing him moving to sit and his arms grab my waist. My naked chest was against his, the warmth of his skin making my nipples even harder. My arms were now hugging his neck, my fingers touching as much of his hair as I could.

“Fuck, love, just like that.” He said against my throat, our hips still moving fast.

I arched my back again, making both of us moan when I felt him even deeper. I screamed into the ceiling again, losing my mind for the feeling quickly again. Everything was spinning, I struggled to keep my eyes open until I gave up and shutted them at the exact moment that Reid’s mouth moved to my nipple, making me whimper.

“Yes, yes, yes.” My mouth was dry, my clit was hitting into his pubic bone, seeing electric pleasure shock into me. His hips rolled against me in the same rhythm I was trying to follow, making me feel him deeper and touching so many pleasurable spots inside me. I was gonna be done soon…

“Fuck, Ress, love.” Reid groaned, moving to bury his head in my neck. My arms got thigher around his neck and next thing I know he looked up to me and I was kissing him.

It was like a cloud of pleasure, so many things going on at the same time that were gonna end me very soon. It was so much it was close to bu abrumating but the kiss made it even. So intense but raw, full of desire and dirtines, being loud and making a mess. We were becoming a mess ourselves.

“Ah! I’m… oh, fuck.” I moaned into his mouth, my eyes aggressively shutting off, my hands grabbing a thigh hold in his hair, my legs were shaking and my breathing was non existent. I was gasping, lost in my pleasure

“Oh, fuck me.” I hear him whimper, his head falling into my chest while he reached his peak.

We were being loud, our breaths taking a long time to catch the normal beat. My head falled down into his hair, letting my whole body relax against him. That was when I noticed that his hair smells like fruits, like tropical fruits, some mangos and pineapple?

My thoughts leave my body when Reid lets himself fall back into the bed, taking me with him because of his hold still on my waist. Then, he rolls to the side, holding onto my legs now and slowly rolling his hips out of me. I whimper, feeling really sore for all of what just happened. He looks up to me.

“You okay?” He asks and I nod because I am. Reid smiles and leans forward to give me a small kiss. “You are gonna let me help you this time?”

I know what he meant. Last time I was really shaky and did not feel like staying with him if we had already finished our business. Now it was kinda better, he proved to be someone that won’t hurt me even when I’m vulnerable. At least till now and even if this whole aftercare routine was a strange thing for me, I nodded.

Reid helped me out to the bathroom, giving me some clothes to put on.

“Is not Jeni’s, is mine.” He clarified.

It was just sweatpants and a t shirt but definitely was better than my last night's fit. I thanked him and spent all my time in the bathroom drying my, now hand wash underwear, with a hair blower. I wasn’t planning to stay out last night.

When I stepped outside, the room was empty but the door was open. The sheets were changed and the bed made. The dirty plates were also not in their place. I took my things and put on my shoes, stepping outside of the room. It was past three o’clock at this point and I wanted to go home. I was also ashamed to be in Jeni’s room for so long and even had sex in it.

I was hoping to not see her when I stepped out, walking to the empty living room. I heard music playing from afar and faded voices all talking at the same time. I was about to get into the kitchen to see if I could find Reid when I heard a door open.

Rich steps out of a room that is flooding with smoke. He holds a joint into his lips and smiles when he sees me.

“Oh, good morning.” He says, pulling the joint out of his mouth and passing it to me. I take it, smiling at him.

“It's afternoon.” I added, before taking a sip of smoke.

He shuggers “Time is relative.”

He walks onto the sofa and lets himself fall down. That's when I noticed that the apartment is actually clean, not a sign of a party at all. Rich puts his feet on the café table and puts his hands behind his head, using them as a pillow.
“So, how good is Reid?” He asks, out of nowhere.

I cough, the smoke actually sticks in my throat and makes me choke. I was not expecting that at all.

“Leave her alone.” I heard, still trying to keep myself together. I fucking hate choking with weed smoke, makes my throat burn.

Reid comes out of the kitchen, walking next to me but before stopping himself to kick Rich in the head.

“Are you leaving?” Reid asks me. I smoke once again and nod, not looking at him.

“Well,” Rich says, standing up and walking to us with a cocky smile. “So good to have you at the party last night, Ress. Hope to see you again.” He winks an eye at me when I gave him the joint back and gives Reid a smirk before coming back to where he came from.

“You have practice.” He says, before closing the door behind him.

I fixed my bag on my shoulder and put my hair behind my ear, finally looking at him. For whatever reason, I am really shy now.

“I gotta go.” I say, feeling my voice lower than what I intended.

“I’ll walk you.” Reid says.

I shake my head slowly. not wanting to make another weird move that would let him to think I hate him or something. “You have practice. It's okay, the métro is just a street away.”

He nods, looking at me. I noticed that he is keeping a safe distance, his hands in his pockets. Maybe he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable and I felt extremely guilty.

So I’m the one that moves closer, actually thinking about giving him a hug but then thought that was weird so I just stayed there, staring at him. Reid gave me a smile and his hands quickly found my waist, pulling to him and giving me a kiss.

It was a hard to pull away kiss, one that if we took a little longer we would be all over each other again. I let myself go into the flow for a few moments, my hands finding his soft hair again and my tongue finding his.

I’m the one that pulls away, faded laughs bringing me back to reality.

“Can I have your number?” Reid asks, still holding me closer. “So I’ll know you got home safe.”

I nod, hoping he doesn’t see me smile while he frees me and reaches for his phone. I take it, marking my number and feeling a little worried while finishing. He was, officially, the fifth person to have my phone number. I gave it back, seeing him grinning.
“Thanks.” He means it and it makes me happy to know it.

I gave him another kiss, making sure it was short this time and left before I wanted to stay.

I walked all the way to the métro feeling like my day was supposed to be good. Still feeling the small ache in my chest from last night's episode but hoping to work on having a better day. I had a lot of painting work to do and needed to clean some brushes too.

Waiting for the métro, I pull my phone out. Cassie’s calls are still there and I quickly go to the last email she sent me, hoping to send an apology for not answering. Insted, I felt my knees get weak and hated being in public because all I wanted to do was puke.

From: Cassie
To: Ress

I’m so sorry, Ress. I’m so sorry.

That was all but enough for me to know.

Chapter Text

Chapter 12: “Practice.”

<3

I was afraid to look at my phone so I turned it off. I walk around in circles, biting my lips and thinking about all the things that could go wrong and how to avoid them.

I didn’t answer Cassie’s email. I was afraid of the idea of who was reading the emails and what parts. I went back to each of them, trying to see if I shared some information I should be worried about. I lied to Cassie about a lot of things, especially where I lived, so I knew the chance for them to find me was low.

However, now my first cover up was broken and I needed to think about something else. I was also worried about what Cassie told them and why. I know maybe it wasn’t her willing to say it but one part of me can’t help to feel betrayed. I feel like she stabbed me in the back, even if the answers are wrong.

I don’t know what to do. They are looking for me, something that I’ve known for a while, but this is the first time that the fair went up my spine and made me nervous. I even closed my curtains, just feeling watch and unsafe. I jump with a yelp when my phone rings, scaring me as fuck.

I walk to my bed, the place where I throw my phone and haven’t checked in. Even on Sunday, I just went to work and came back home as soon as I could. I wasn’t feeling like having conversations or anything. I felt bad when I declined Tina’s kind invitation. She is trying to be more my friend and I appreciate but it is not the moment now. I’m afraid of friends now.

I see the unknown number and I feel my breathing go faster. Is them, they found me, is over for me forever . I concentrate on my breathing, remembering Reid’s adviced and trying to make myself feel better. When I finished, the call was off and I exhaled in relief to see them jump, again, when my phone rang in a text.

I take it with shaky hands, afraid of whatever was gonna be on that text, afraid of them coming out of my phone and grabbing me. I felt like I was about to choke under invisible pressure.

From: Unknown.

Hey, guess you’re busy. I have a free monday, too, would you like to hang out?

Who is this? And why do they know I have free mondays? Oh, no, was it Tina? Tina told Cassie? I shake my head in the idea, is complely dumb to think that because they don’t know each other. Who was it then?

From: Ress
Who is this?

I quickly type, biting on my thumb nail while the bubble of writing is on.

From: Unknown.
So you forgot about me already?

Oh, no. Is them. I read the text over and over, remembering those words I’ve heard so much before. I throw my phone on my bed again, afraid that if I answer then they are gonna trick me or track my phone.

I walk around again, thinking about the solutions that are on my hands. Changing my phone number was the first one in my mind but my budget wasn’t ready for that this month. I know moving is an issue now, at least I know I was careful with my actual destination but the anxiety is eating me alive so bad I feel like they are about to knock on the door.

Then, my phone scares me again. my neighbors are gonna think something is happening to me.

The same number, again, another text.

From: Unknown.
Haven’t heard from you since you left on yesterday.

Yesterday? What happened yesterday? I came home and cried, feeling sorry for myself because no matter how much I try my life is still ruined, and went to work. That was all… wait…

From: Ress
Reid?

From: Reid
Hi

It just Reid. Yesterday I didn’t even look in his direction like I didn’t with anyone else. I barely talked to Tina and Lisa, which is hard considering we are co workers, and when the shift was off I run to my house as soon as I could. I just wanted to be on my own and was to shaken up to speak with somebody and mask it.

From: Ress
Didn’t know it was you, sorry

From: Reid
You wanna hang?
Do I? Honestly, no. I was still overwhelmed and overthinking. But staying alone at my place hasn’t been helping either. I’m just overthinking everything that could go wrong, draining my body and mind. Maybe I do need a distraction and at the end of the day, Reid has been a great distraction.

From: Ress
Sure, what are we doing?

From: Reid
Just hang

It was almost way too simple to think something could go wrong so I said yes. I focused on getting ready, taking a shower hoping for it to wash away the sadness on my face, fixed my hair to not look like I spent the whole night circling in my bed because I was too anxious to sleep.

Apparently, I was just gonna head to his house and hang so I just put on a long dress to cover my legs from the cold wind and a mid jacket. Making my way there, walking, I actually felt better to have something else to put my mind into that is not only how to keep myself away from those monsters. I debated if I should bring back the clothes he left me borrow, the ones I washed and immediately pulled away as if they had eyes of it’s own and I wasn’t feeling like being perceived.

It was a nice day. Close to four in the afternoon, a bunch of kids in the parks and people walking their dogs, the wind was not as strong as usual so it wasn’t cold to walk. I walked paying attention to any person around me, even if I know that they don’t know where I am. I was scared of suddenly seeing their faces on someone in the streets, my reaction would probably be just run. Yet I knew I had to try and not act crazy, drawing attention to me.

I climbed up stairs to his place, actually looking behind my shoulder from time to time even though it was more than obvious I was the only person around. With a big persecution delusion, I reached the floor of his apartment and took a deep breath. Reid already saw me once having a breakdown and that was enough. I fixed my hair and knocked on the door.

Moshe is the one who spend the doors, wearing pijamas and a lazy grin. “Oh, my dear Ress, so good to see you.”

“Hi, Moshe.” I smiled at him. He looks completely attractive and he only has his hair in a ponytail.

“Come in, please.”

Moshe opened the door wider to me, his arm pointing me to walk in. Their place in daylight was nicer, with a lot of natural light which made the color stronger. Reid was on the sofá in the living room, ripping on a guitar when he heard the door close and looked up to me.

He smiled when our eyes met and I was ashamed to immediately feel more calm now.

“Hey, you.” He says, leaving his guitar and his side.

“Hey.” I say, my voice coming out like a fine weak tone. I took the seat next to him, keeping my eyes on his guitar. “I thought you weren’t a guitarist.”

Reid gave me a smirk “Oh, I’m not. That’s just some toy.”

“Watch it!” Moshe screams from some place in the apartment. I didn’t realize he left us alone.

Reid leaded to me, mumbling to me: “He hates when I call them toys, can’t take a joke.” he shifted on the sofa, sitting closer to me. His arms rest on his knees. “Been calling you, though you disappear until I saw you at the bar.”

I gave him an apologetic smile. “I.. had a problem with my phone.”

He was gonna say something, leaning his face to my gaze when the door got open.

“Salut, les gars!” Élise screamed from the wide open door, holding her arms out in a dramatic pose and performance. She kicked the door closed with her long white boot. Then, moving her arms down to let her bag fall into the floor, her eye cover in dark glasses landed on me. “Ress, mon amour!”

She walked to me, moving to sit next to me and give me a wide hug. “So good to see you.”

Élise was nothing but nice to me. She has been so kind and friendly since the beginning. Her whole vibe, more than sensual and enchanting, is also free spirited and charming, with a great fashion sense.

“Hi.” I say, hugging her back.

She lets me go and puts her glasses down to her nose to uncover her eyes, giving me a grin. “I see that mister sad poet here has been bothering you.”

“He is not.” I giggled

“Sad poet?” Reid spoke at the same time.

Élise just put her glasses back on their place and smiled. “I’m gonna get ready.”

She leaves the living room, dropping her back at the closet chair and walking to the door where Moshe disappeared before, opening the door without knocking.

“Hello!”

“Baby, hey.” Moshe answer fades when he door gets close behind her.

I look back at Reid, who is now staring at one notebook in the coffee table. “Get ready for what?” I say, to catch his attention.

“Oh.” He comes back to reality, now a grin appearing on his face. “We have practice now, wanna see us?”

I’ve never seen a band practice before. Definitely an experience I’ve never thought I had before. I don’t know what am I gonna see but I was excited about it.

“Sure, that would be nice.” I say, also thankful for the distraction. Especially when my phone started to vibrate in my pocket and a chil ran up my body .

“Great.” Reid stands up, moving around the living room and moving some chairs around, so he can fix better the two microphones. “We have been trying to get critics that are not either our community manager or an asshole.”

I laughed, knowing he meant Jeni and Rich.

“Wait, don’t you guys practice at Jeni’s place?”

“Nah, that was an exception because it was closer to bring Moshe’s drums after the show. She hated us after that day, said she received neighbors complaints ”.

I giggle, walking to where the instruments where set up “What is that?” I ask in curiosity, being the only thing I don’t recognize.

“Oh, this thing.” He looks down at it, kicking it with his feet a little. “Is an amplifier, makes the guitar sound. Wanna check it?”

“Oh, no, I don’t know anything about it.” I shake my hands in front of me, denying the chance. “Better you show me.”

Reid smiles at me and leads to take a guitar from the spot in the floor. “Right,” he puts the long bell over his shoulder and takes a dark thin cable from the floor. “Now you are supposed to connect the cable to the guitar and amplifier” he does while explaining, “always make sure volume is down or it's gonna sound like a nightmare scream.”

I giggle, struggling to nervously play with my hands while seeing him touch some bottom and play with the guitar. I would love to understand what is he even doing but just the side of him was nice.

“Now it sounds.” Reid plays a note and the sound vibrates out the amplifier to the room and my ears.

I do jump up a little, not expecting it to be as high as when they were in the bar. Or well, almost. “Your neighbors hate you, right?”

He winks his eyes at me. “Just wait until Moshe starts on those drums.”

Reid starts playing some notes and fixing the cords. I watch him, taking the opportunity of not having a witness around. For someone who doesn’t consider themselves a guitarist, he looks like he was born for the spot. His fingers moving fast and smooth, his head bobbing up and down at the rhythm, making a few strings of his hair fall into his forehead. He also looked really good just playing.

“Let’s get this started, then!” Moshe said, reappearing from his room.

Élise comes out of the room behind him, a cloud of smoke following them. Moshe was the one with the joint, in a gracious move handing it to Reid before starting to get his drums in order.

“You are our invite today, Ress?” Élise asked, her eyes brighting in a teased tone. She took her bass and started to plugging it on as Reid did with his guitar.

“I am.” My voice was small with a nervous laugh. For some reason, being alone with all the band made me really nervous. Their energy was really strong together and it was like radiating to me. They were cool people, the kind of cool people you would see in the streets and think they are cool people.

Being exposed to them practicing was an odd thing. Moshe was wearing mostly pijamas, a chilly white shirt and gray sweatpants. He was moving around all his drums, frowning and switching his drums until he was comfortable enough to sit on his bank and take his sticks. Élise white dress was long until her ankles, moving around her legs, she was fixing the cords on her bass, her hair like an umbrella over her face. The golden hour was rising, making a bright yellow reflection in Reid’s also white shirt, his had a black of white logo of a band I couldn’t recognize.

“Well,” Moshe started, pushing his sticks on his lap. “What are we starting with?” he started to put his long hair on a ponytail and I wonder if he knew how attractive he looks.

Reid took the joint out of his mouth, holding a mic into position. “Let’s try the new one, still needs some fixing.”

Walking to me, he hands me the joint and winks. “Enjoy.”

This was a great distraction for my thoughts. A let my back fall back onto the couch, making myself comfortable while the show starts. I take a sip of the joint and watch Moshe put his hands in the hair and mark the beginning of the song with three taps of his sticks.

Élise started, playing soft notes on her bass. Moshe followed, marking the beat playing after every three notes of Élise. Finally followed by Reid on the guitar and then the song started, a quick build up of his guitar and then he lean over the mic, his eyes with a playful grin.

I know it’s late to call.
but I hear your answer

We meet at the late hours,
To lose our minds.

I’m still craving the nights that we shared
Even if you pushed me right out off your bed.

The breaths we share are on my head,
Can’t forget the way you felt.
But you hate to see me coming back
and beg again
When you know I’ve begged since we met

I can do it all over it again.

I bop my head to the beat of the music, listening carefully to Reid’s lyrics, the way I wish I could at the bar. Then, Reid frown, the guitar missed the beat and the whole band followed.

“What is it?” Élise asks, getting closer to Reid so she could peak at the notebook. “You told us you finished it.”

“I said I finished the first draft.” Reid clarified, walking to the café table and taking a pen. “Enjoying?” He asks me.

“I am.” I can believe my only two words have been the same over and over. I was doing my best. “I liked the lyrics, what is it called?”

Reid grinned. “Don’t know yet.”

I pulled the almost done joint in the ashtray, I was high enough already. Reid makes some notes and erases some of the lines.

Moshe played with his sticks, making them spin in his fingers. “How many fucking drafts do you need?”

“The necessary.” Reid said.

Moshe rolled his eyes, giving me a confident grin and silently making fun of him. I joined him, giggling.

“What do you think of the music?” Moshe asked, he looked like he was getting bored at the pause for the writing session.

“Its not done yet.” I say, putting my chin in my hands to rest my elbows on my knees.

“Not the lyrics, the music.”

I remember that Reid mentioned that Moshe makes the music. He composed everything they play and, apparently, Reid writes over it.

“Well I don’t really know much about music, but is nice.” I lied considering I was forced into classical music for a while, but they don’t need to know that. “I like the smooth beginning. That’s cool. The drum sound is really particular.” I added to my simple comment.

Moshe smiles at my words, actually making me look away when I realized the has mastered the same ability Reid had of fucking you with his eyes.

“She’s great public.” Moshe jokes, with Élise joining him in the laughter.

“So you are some kind of producer?” I asked

“i guess you can call it that. I don’t have a degree yet and definitely not my own studio.” Moshe joked while playing with his sticks.

“Do you go to music school?”

Out of all the band members, Moshe is the one I haven’t really talked to a lot. Mostly because he actually prefers to be quiet, expending most of his time just listening and reacting but almost not verbally. He also had this big wall of mystery on him, one that added spice into his rock star look.

“I do, almost finish now.”

“Yeah? When do you finish?”

“Next year.”

I immediately assumed he was older than Reid, at least for a few months or something. I smiled at him. “That’s cool, congrats. Do you play a lot of instruments?”

“So many that is unnecessary.” Élise said from her spot playing a song I couldn’t recognize in her bass.

“Around ten, yes.” He answers, ignoring her comment.

My eyes go wide open. “Ten? Wow, that must have taken a lot of time.”

“I’ve been playing some of them since I’m a child.”

“Are your parents musicians?” I couldn’t point out being so into something so young without being forced at least a little.

”No,” Moshe laughs, “they hate I’m doing it, actually”

“Most of our parents do” Élise adds with a giggle.

“Okay, think I got it.” Reid exclaims, putting up his notebook.

“He doesn’t.” Moshe winks at me, before he starts to mark the beginning of the song again.

Chapter Text

The song completely changed but even then, Reid was not satisfied. The sun was almost set outside and now the apartment shined in the artificial lights and by this time, the band had replayed the song more than ten times, but never finished because Reid kept interrupting to add or remove something on his notes.

I know it’s late to call.
but I hear your answer

We meet at the late hours,
To lose our minds.

I’m still craving the nights that we shared
Even if you pushed me right out off your bed.

The breaths we share are on my head,
Can’t forget the way you felt.
But you hate to see me coming back
and beg again
When you know I’ve begged since we met

I can do it all over it again.

I begging the talking to stall time,
You rather kissed me for a while.
To then take everything I have
And kick me out the curve when you are done

When Reid stopped the song this time to quickly scramble in words and write new ones, Élise took her bass off and Moshe groanned.

“You literally changed so many times now, what’s next?” Élise asked while making her way to the sofá next to me.

At this point, I was resting my back on the couch finding the most comfortable position to just watch them be. It was fun and I was more relaxed than how I woke up in the morning.

Reid bitted the end on his pen. “I was adding a few things, I'm almost done I promise.” he was concentrating in the notebook, focused on his train of thought. “We need a good bridge and I just can't finish it.”

Élise took a pack of cigarettes laying on the café table and walked her way around Moshe’s drums to reach the balcony door. “I’m having a smoke break.”

Moshe took her wrist before she could open the door. “Oh, no, we need to finish practice.” he’s tone was firm.

Élise whined like a baby. “But he’s not done yet.”

Moshe freed her and turned around to look at Reid and ask him “You are not going to be finished now, right?” he’s eyebrow was arched, as he already knew the answer.

Reid just played with the pen between his fingers, not even looking away from his words. “Define now.”

“You see!” Élise said, pointing at Reid with his arms.

Moshe just nodded and stood up, leaving his stick in the drums. “I’m going with you.”

Élise cheered, jumping up in small moves and clapping. Moshe opened the door and both walked into the cold and windy weather to have a cigarette break. I change my position, slowly moving my hands to my knees and leaning forward. Reid looked really focused in his writing process, his jaw was tense and his brow slightly frowning. I played with my hands, not really knowing if I should talk and distract him.

“Is it always like this?” I asked out of curiosity after a few moments of silence.

Reid nodded, “I mean, every writer has it way, mine is annoying if you ask Élise.”

I giggled. He looked up at me, grinning while closing his notebook. I watched him take his guitar off his shoulders with his free hand and then he made his way next to me on the couch. He sat as close as possible for me to feel his breathing in my shoulder when he talked.

“How are you liking the song by now?” Reid asks as he stills writes down words.

”I liked it. I don’t get what you are still changing it, but I’m not a write so do your thing. ” As I finished speaking, his eyes are on me and he’s smiling.

“Wished they will say that but, they would say yes to anything just to play the whole song. That's their thing.” Reid grinned and looked back at me “I’m changing it because I know it’s good, and because it’s good it can be better”.

I nod, “I get that, kind of what I do with my painting when I start a draft.

Reid just shuddered with a silly smile. “I usually have the songs done before the practice so we don’t have to take so many breaks, but it’s being difficult with this one.”

”Is it about hooking up with some you been before?”

”Not only that, but they also push them apart, even if they want them too”, Reid said and his words seem to inspire him because he started to write things down.

I stare at him, enjoying the way he looks right now. He sweats a little while playing, what made some of his hair get stuck in his forehead, which he tries to push away. He has a small frown on his face, staring at his notebook as if it was a puzzle to be solved. He looked handsome, he had some confidence and also relaxing aura. I stay quiet, not wanting to break his concentration.

“Well, “He clears his throat. “Ready to hear the whole song?”

“Is it finished?”

Reid smirks “I may change things before the final version but it’s good enough now.”

“Are you a perfectionist?” I tease him.

He gives a shrug “Only with my writing”.

“How do you choose what to write songs about?” I mumbled, being curious of his process.

Reid shrugs, sitting next to me. “It depends on what sounds Moshe it’s working on. It also depends in my mood, but Élise gets to say if she likes them or not. Usually she doesn’t have any objections.”

”Usually?” I tease him.

”There are some songs she had hated it” He laughs about it.

“You have some songs that you hate?”

He grins at me, “More than a few may I add.”

”So, is the song about a girl you know?” I ask, just out curiosity.

”Um, I wonder if I should reveal the full story or that will break the magic with the song” He looked actually thoughtful about it.

“You have a point. I rather hear what you just wrote” I nodded to his notebook.

”Wanna read it?”

”I like it better when you sing” I finish my words, not realizing I may have sound like flirting.

He doesn’t seem to mind, giving me a wink before the balcony door shut open, Élise and Moshe walking inside, followed by a cold wind that made my skin get goosebumps.

“You better let us finish the song now.” Moshe mumbled, taking his seat back in the drums.

Reid ignored him, taking his spot in front of the microphone and grabbing his guitar. Élise followed him, fixing her hair while waiting for the sign to be started.

“Okay, Moshe.” Reid said.

Next thing, Moshe puts his arms up, his drumsticks in his hands and clapping them three times before Élise started her notes with the baiss, quickly followed by Moshe and his drums and then Reid’s guitar started.

I know it’s late to call.
but I hear your answer

We meet at the late hours,
To lose our minds.

I’m still craving the nights that we shared
Even if you pushed me right out off your bed.

The breaths we share are on my head,
As I still can smell you on my sheets.
But you hate to see me coming back
and beg again
When you know I’ve begged since we met

I can do it all over it again.

I begging the talking to stall time,
You rather kissed me for a while.
To then take everything I have
And kick me out the curve when you are done

Leaving me wonder why you answer in the first place
Just to take my clothes off the next day
And you know we’ll be doing it again

The breaths we share are on my head,
As I still can smell you on my sheets.
But you hate to see me coming back
and beg again
When you know I’ve begged since we met

You wanna hear it over again.

An instrumental sounded, Reid leading with the song of the guitar in a high that were slowing down but backed up by the bass and then Moshe hit his drums making a great transition to a drum solo. A bright pink and yellow lighting was shining through the window, giving them more glow.

And now you show up at my door,
Sore eyes full with desire and regret,
And I easily ignore I’ll be used again.,
Even if the same at the end
I always love to begin
Or to know that I have more change
Before you finally give up
And decide to finally stop
this fucked up deal of secret kisses,
That I can’t never get enough off

So I will beg all over again.

You are doing it over again.

We will do it over again.

I tried to follow each member of band while they played, but it was hard when each one of them was magnetic. I found myself lost in one and not move to the other til a change in the sounds broke the spell. Reid stayed almost lazily, focused on not missing the notes, but fully concentrated on his lyrics. He looked relaxed, finally the song reaching the last chorus finished the song with a final hit in his drumm and the song was over. The room was silent for a few seconds and I looked around at their blanck expressions before slowly starting to clap.

All of them stared at me and I stopped, feeling my cheeks burn in heat and putting my hands down in my lap.

“That was good.” Élise said, walking closer to Reid to read from his notebook. He was the same, reading the page over and over.

“So we are done? Is that the final lyric?” Moshe asked, mostly sounding boring. He was playing with the edges of his ponytail.

Reid sighed, putting his notebook down. “I believe so, yeah.”

“Is the title Over again?” Élise asked, looking up at Reid.

He nodded “If I don’t change it up.”

”He always says lyrics are finished and the he shows up with a whole new song” Moshe says to me, a funny grin on his face, his intention clearly being mocking on Reid.

I only manage to giggle when Élise seats next to me, her arm pulling over my shoulders, “I think you are the good luck charm, Ress, he’s usually more annoying.”

I don’t dare to join on their tease, but I can’t help to laugh at it. Still, when my eyes meet Reid’s, he’s looking at his friends with a grin and a lazy eye roll, as if he just used to it.

“You guys sound so cool.” Is the only think I add. And I cringe a little about my words.

“You are lying, the acoustic in this place sucks” Moshe laughs, as he starts to check on his music sheets

“I don’t think I can tell…” I tried to say.

Moshe laughs. “She’s adorable.”

Élise agreed and took his bass off, walking to the couch and sitting next to me. “You can be honest if we sucked, Ress.” she said, her words melting out of his tongue.

I shake my head, looking anyway but her flirty eyes. “I’m don’t think that.” I tried to explain myself, realizing that now that they stopped playing all the attention is into me.

”You know, Reid loves when people criticize his stuffs, makes him feel smart.” Élise jokes, as she starts to turn on a joint I don’t even know where she got from.

“Don’t listen to Élise, she loves to make up lies about me” Reid said, looking at the music sheets Moshe gave him.

“I never lie.” Élise winks at me as she smokes the joint.

Moshe is suddenly next to me, too, sitting so close it pushes me being closer to Élise. Now, I was trapped between them.

“Reid loves when girls are mean to him, we can tell you some crazy stories” Moshe says, his grin made his eyes go so dark I had to stop myself from changing my position on the couch.

I blabbed. “I…”

”They are lying, love,” Reid is suddenly in front of us, and putting his feet on the café table, letting his arm rest on his now up knee.

”Thats his way to avoid the subject” Moshe mumbles in my ear and I can’t help but giggle, also pushed by the increased nervousness traveling up my body.

“Leave her.” Reid just said, rolling his eyes.

“Do we make you uncomfortable, Ress?” Élise asked, a teasing tone in his voice.

“No, no.” I lied. They did make me feel uncomfortable but not in a bad way. Somehow, I knew they knew that and was the reason why they do it.

Élise giggled and stood up, looking down at me. Her hand put one piece of my ear behind my ear and gave me a really dangerous grin. “Let us know when you get bored of the sad poet.”

“Out.” Was all that Reid said next, standing straight and his hand holding the back of his nose. However, he was laughing, a soft one that made his shoulder shake a little.

Moshe squeezed my shoulder before following Élise back into his room. Their goofy mood was on, giggles followed them while they kissed Reid on the cheek goodbye. He happily reciebed them but not before teasing them back by faking to choke them.

When the door to Moshe room was closed, we were alone again.

Reid’s eyes were too much so I gave him a small smile before looking away.

“Sorry.” I heard him say, “they like to mess around”

“Don’t apologize,” I shake my head and take the joint he offers me.

I heard him walk to me, my side-eye allowing me to see him take a seat to me where Élise once was. He was close, his knee brushed against mine and his hand grazed mine.

“But, you know.” Reid mumbled, “you can tell me if you think we suck”

I felt bad that I was not better at feedback and maybe that’s what they were hoping my presence was for.

“I’m sorry I don’t have much to say.” I look at my lap, now feeling more embarrassed than before.

Reid gave me a soft smile. “Why? I like that you like us. Makes me feel validated, writing school is such a constant criticism it’s nice to just hear nice things”

“I’m not saying it just to say it.” I try my best to explain myself

”I know, Ress, that what I like about you” His voice was hoarse, making a shiver jump up to my spine and making my stomach feel worse.

Chapter Text

Chapter 14: “Fear.”

<3

Reid offered to stay for dinner, Moshe was going to make vegetarian lasagna. I say yes, I didn’t want to be alone in my house and staring at the door with the fear that I was gonna be found. Insted, I decided I was gonna use this distraction as much as I could, especially now that my phone was still making noise in my bag.

“Are you gonna take that?” Reid asked, holding a bottle of wine in his hands and pointing with it the direction of the sound.

I was awkwardly standing at the end of the bar, hoping I wouldn't look as uncomfortable as I was feeling. “Oh, yeah, sure.” I mumble, forcing my shaky hands to get my phone out.

I put the sound off immediately, avoiding another one. The screen brightens and the notifications all start to show. 50 missed calls, 230 messages and one email. All from Cassie. My hands start to sweat and my stomach quickly gets that familiar pain that lets me know I need to calm down. I ignore everything else and quickly open the email. Is a long one, mostly three paragraphs. I look through it afraid to actually read the words and turn my phone down.

“Can I use your bathroom?” I ask, trying to sound chill. If I was gonna read that it was not gonna be in front of him. Or anyone for that matter.

Reid frowns but quickly just gives me a small smile. “Sure, use mine.”

I nod and mumble a thanks before leaving the kitchen and making my way inside his room. Everything is dark so I turn the light off and make my way into the bathroom. I make sure to lock the door, just to avoid anything. I sat down in the closed toilet, my knee shaking in a quick mode. I bit my nails while I look through the email and then I start to read.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Ress,

I don’t understand anything about what is going on. You refuse to take my calls and I know why. I messed up and I’m sorry but now I’m so confused. I don’t know what is happening, Ress. Can you explain? What is happening?

I’ll tell you what is happening here.

My parents started to talk more with yours and, like I mentioned, they wanted to make a missing person report and they did. Police started an investigation because they said the profile of running away doesn’t fix you. I was interviewed that time and I just said I didn’t know where you were but that you were fine because you wanted to leave.

But then, things started to get weird. My mom would call me everyday asking if I knew something, asking me for your phone number or anyway to contact you. When I asked why she just said that your parents missed you and really want you back home. They are doing events and conferences talking about how much they miss you and how they are sure someone took you away. Your picture started to show in the news, it was everywhere and then police said it was new evidence of you being abducted.

They interviewed me again and this time I broke. There was so much pressure, Ress, your mom would cry and kneel and beg for me to tell her anything. Your dad would offer me money and my parents constantly tell me they were disappointed that I could help you and I wasn’t doing it. After hours of interrogations I just told them what you told me, all that you told me.

I emailed you that night, feeling so bad with myself. But, Ress, the police went to your university and you are not there. You are not a student there, no one knows you in the city. You lied to me. I was so sad when I realized you lied to me just like everyone else but then I thought it was maybe to avoid me doing what I promised I wouldn’t. I was scared and for a second they convinced me you were in danger, especially when they didn’t find you on campus.

They don’t know nothing about the truth, only you do and I think you wanted it that way. Just let me know that you are okay and safe, please, Ress.

Sadly, I have bad news. Your parents are asking for a reward and working with international news channels to make the case more mediatic. They are not going to stop Ress and I pray for you to not be found but please be careful, they hurted you before and can do it again. I think that if you talk to the police, as an adult, they could help. I’m gonna talk to one of my professors for advice.

Please talk to me, Ress.

I’m sorry for being a shitty friend.

Love you,

Cass.

I stare into the screen even longer after finishing reading. I was confused, relief and mostly scared. I was afraid because it was the truth, they are not gonna stop. They have the money, the contacts, the power, they are gonna find me and I’m never gonna be able to escape.

A knock on the door makes me jump in my seat. I quickly put my phone away and walk to open the door.

“Hey, sorry, I was just done.” I quickly say, trying to sound composed.

However, Reid frowned and put his hand up, his thumb touching my cheekbone. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am.” I lie in my rush tone.

“But you are crying.” He says, his eyes questioning me.

I frown and turn around to take a look at me in the mirror. I was crying, I didn’t even notice that I was crying or when I started to do it. My eyes were red and my cheekbones were damp in tears. I quickly clean my cheeks, feeling ashamed for him to see me in this state again. I run to the bathroom for a fucking reason.

“Oh, sorry, sometimes my eyes just get watered.” I give a lame excuse and make sure to clean all my face before facing him again. “I’m okay.” I smile, giving assurance.

Reid doesn’t look convinced but he does what I was praying for him to do. He drops it. “Fine, Moshe started to cook already and Élise wanted you to taste the sauce.”

He gives me he’s playful roll of eyes and I sigh in relief. I follow him back to the kitchen, putting in the back of my head every thought of things going wrong. Now everything was fine, I was sitting in the bar next to a hot musician and his band making dinner for me. They were treating me as a host, with all of their attention on me and trying to make me feel comfortable.

I was already on my third glass of wine when Moshe finally took the lasagna out of the oven. Earlier, I tasted the sauce with Élise and Moshe teasing me again and Reid giglling and joking about how dumb they were. The sauce was nice, based on cauliflower and mushrooms, it was really good.

Reid put the plates down and Élise opened another bottle of wine. Moshe served the food, looking really happy with the results.

“Is so impressive that you cook, I can’t cook for my life.” I say, now feeling more relaxed with the alcohol in my system.

“You live alone, what do you eat?” Élise said while passing around the refill glasses of wine.

“I’m not gonna be judged by my cooking.” Honestly, I was a bad cook. Never did it before, I was never teached so I spend a lot of time looking into things on the internet and finally just eating lots of canned food and rice.

“You are welcome to eat with us anytime you want.” Reid says, taking his seat next to me. His plate in front of him. “Moshe is the one in charge of the cooking.”

“Don’t let him sell you fake advertisements, Moshe only cooks when he’s in a good mood.” Élise said, she was right across from me, next to Moshe who pushed her softly with his elbow.

“I’m always in a good mood.” Moshe teased, giving me a quick wink.

“He’s lying on that one.” Reid mumbled in my ear and I laughed, the room staying in silence.

“Stop, Reid, let us have her!” Élise jokes, throwing a piece of bread in his direction.

“Oh, but she already chose, right?” Reid said, his eyes burned into mine and my cheeks immediately went red. I was blushing and ashamed of three pairs of eyes looking in my direction.

So I did the only thing my drunk brain could think about. “Let’s make a toast” I put my glass of wine up, smiling awkwardly.

The band says nothing, just stares at each other with a fun grin and slowly taking their own glasses, putting them up, too.

“Mmm… for this night and the nice food that Moshe made for us.” I clap my glass with Reid’s and his does too, moving to toast with Moshe and I toast with Élise before doing a weird arm jungle in the middle by the end of it.

I took a sip of the wine, looking around at the three people around me. I was trying to be in their level, falling of course, and wanted to just have friends. It was fun to have friends that are not your co workers. Well, technically. They were laughing, talking about things I couldn’t understand about school and music but quickly getting me in the conversation and explaining me situations. I heard a lot of different stories.

Our plates were already empty and another bottle of wine was being opened, this time by Moshe. Despite the dinner, I was pretty close to being drunk on a Monday night when I was totally not planning it. I still took the refill, not feeling in the mood to be rationally thinking now. I was gonna escape from them in every stage, even mental.

“How did you guys from the band? Are you just good friends that play together?” I ask, letting my glass of wine down after a long sip.

Élise clapped, pulling her hands up. “I love this story, I love this story.” she was excitedly jumping in her seat.

Moshe teased her, making a face and groaning. “Oh, fuck, Élise’s version of this story is hell.”

Élise gasped. “Is not my version, is the truth.”

Reid grinned, taking his glass of wine and playing with it. “That’s debatable.” He joined the teasing.

Élise looked at me, pouting. “They are always doing this to me, Ress, save me now.”

I laughed, taking her hand over the table. “I wanna hear your version.” I say, giving her some courage.

“Woo!” Élise quickly cheared, taking her glass of wine and clapping it with Reid’s so quick that he didn’t realize until it happened. “Fuck you both.” She finished her wine and then took out a cigarette from her purse and the story begined. “So I was in my first year of college and I was so alone, you know, I didn’t know anyone.”

She made a pause to light her cigarette, and I took the moment to ask her: “What is your major?”

Moshe laughed “That’s a good question.”

Élise rolled her eyes while she exhaled the smoke out. “I just don’t know yet, I’m kinda having a lot of art and philosophy classes, some about fashion as well.”

“I love how you dress.” I say, being completely honest. One of the things that made her stand up, not only in her stage presence but also in her day to day, she dressed nice. She pulled together nice colors and monochromatic or combined looks that made her look so good. Almost like emo but fashionable and hyper femine, it is really unique.

“Thank you.” She says and for the first time since I met her I notice her get shy for a second and then quickly give the confice smile. “Moshe and Reid don’t appreciate my fashion.”

“That’s a lie.”

“I literally only wear clothes you approve.”

Moshe and Reid said at the same time, to quickly then start to laugh. Moshe was the one who sushed us, taking his moment to talk.
“Élise is the one in charge of our fashion. As a band, I mean, she’s the one with the ideas.”

It made sense. All of them always used different outfits but all of them followed the same vibes and sometimes even the colors.

“Yeah, without me they would probably still be wearing only pajamas all day.” Élise said, teasing Moshe for his still pj outfit.

“Is my free day.” Moshe just shrugged.

Reid started. “The point is that we met in our first year. And then…”

“Arrête!” Élise says, clapping her hands on the table. “Is my version, remember.”

Reid just rolls his eyes, giving a small grin before laying back on his seat and finishing his wine while Élise continued.

“So I was alone and hating everyone in my classes. However, I was in this class, oh… what was the name again?” She asked Reid.

He laughed. “Introduction to History of Literature.”

She nodded, taking a sip. “That’s it, so I met this guy that sat next to me, who was a total loser because he would read the saddest poems in class.”

Moshe laughed and Reid quickly said: “Hey!” but he was giggling too.

Élise softly laughed. “So I became his friend because I was so bored with no friends at all. And he mentioned Moshe wanted to make his poems into songs and I asked if they had a band.”

“Wait, so the band was basically your idea?” I ask her, enjoying how excised was about telling the story, I was definitely drunk.

“It was Moshe's idea, he was the one with the idea of the band way before. I gave it a try and I liked it but we could never play them on our own.” Reid explains

“Because they needed me, of course.” Élise said, smiling brightly.

“We do, baby.” Moshe said, squeezing her hand.

“So I was there, totally happy that I met someone that writes songs because I’ve always wanted a band before. I was born to be the sexy girl in a band, right?” We all nodded. “So I asked him if he had a band and obviously he didn’t but that he wanted to. I told him I play the bass and he was like,” Élise cleared her throat and lowered her voice to fake talk like Reid. “I have a friend that plays the drums and he’s so good, we could use a bassist.” She giggled at her bad interpretation of the soft tone and lazy sexy eyes of Reid. We all laughed with her, Reid was getting blush. “So I said that I wanted to meet him too and he invited me here for the first time.” Élise grinned with devil eyes.

“Oh, no.” Reid said, sitting straight in his chair now. “I know where this is going, stop now.” he was laughing still but definitely had a serious tone.

Moshe gave him a fake punch in his arm. “Let her tell the story, dude.”

I look between them, enjoying their argument. Reid looks back at me and holds my hand against his chest.

“It's embarrassing, please don’t listen to them.” He said with a nervous laugh.

I laughed softly, finding all of this funny but this right now was even sweet.

“Oh, no, it is not embarrassing at all.” Élise says, serving herself another glass of wine. She was grinning in a devious plan, Moshe and her sharing looks and shore laughs.

“Lies.” Reid groans, his head falling back.

“He says just to distract you.” Moshe tells me, enjoying every second of Reid’s misery.

“I don’t need to know…” I started but was quickly interrupted by them screaming at the same time.

“Thank you!” Reid groaned.

“Yes, this is important for this story.” Élise pouted.

“Oh, believe me, you need to know.” Moshe was laughing so hard his eyes were watering.

Suddenly, all the sounds were cut by one phone ringing. I paralyze, fear coming up my spine when I realize it is not my phone. Élise takes her phone from her back and steps out the kitchen, apologizing, to take the call.

I sigh, hating myself for something so small to be able to harm me that way. I look to my side, where Reid is refilling my glass of wine. I lost count of how many I’ve had now but I happily took it.

“Thank you.” I mumbled to him, to then take a sip and hope the blurry drunk stante in which I was already could help feel distracted again.

Reid’s arm goes behind my chair, getting closer to my ear. “Are you having fun?” he asks me in a soft tone.

I take a look at Moshe, who is already ignoring us while looking into his phone. I turn back to Reid, smiling back at him.

“I am, thanking you for inviting me today.” If I had received that email being alone in my house, probably my reaction would be so much different. At least in getting drunk and not trying to finish my misery.

“Thank you for saying yes, Ress.” My name melts in his tone and I feel my cheeks burn in even more than the alcohol effect. “We can hang out whenever you want.” He adds, his tone getting more low.

My drunk brain immediately shifted to flirt mode and I was about to streak back when Élise came back to the kitchen, rushing to me.

“Ress, here.” She says, giving me her phone.

I look at the phone as if it was a monster I wanted to run away from. I quickly look back at Élise in confusion. “What?”

“Is Tina, says is important.” Élise says, rushing me to take it.

I nod in relief and take the phone. Is probably something about work, she probably got tired of trying to reach me on my tone off phone.

“Hey, T.” I say.

“Ress, oh my god, you are in the news.”

I hear the sound of the glass of wine hitting the floor before I even noticed I let it fall. I immediately stand up, mortified.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I mumbled while trying to move and pick up the pieces, still holding the phone to my ear. Tina's voice asking me what happened is in the other line.

“Shh.” Élise says, with both of her hands on my shoulders, she guides me to the seat that Moshe put away from me. “Take a break, it's okay, Ress.”

But is not. Nothing is okay. I feel my face pale, my hands are sweaty and shaky and my breathing is kinda uneven now. I take a deep break.

I clear my throat and avoid looking at anyone in the room with me while I talk to Tina. “What do you mean?”

“I think it is better if you see it yourself.” Tina says, her voice is soft as she was being careful with her words.

“No.” I quickly said back. “Tell me.” I’m not seeing it, that was what they wanted and I’m not gonna let them have that satisfaction.

“Well… the news is about a missing person case.” I heard background noise, fades voices of a news reporter. “A family is saying someone took their daughter and are offering a reward for information.” I close my eyes in fear, feeling my stomach starting to hurt. “They showed your picture… is you, Ress.”

“Maybe we just look alike.” I try to deflect her.

“Is you in the picture, Ress, it is impossible to not recognize it.” Tina mumbled, I could hear the pity in her tone. “What is happening, Ress?”

My life is over, that is what’s happening.

“I’ll call you later.” I fight back my tears, swallowing the hard not in my throat.

“But, Ress…”

I don’t let her finish. I quickly cut the call and left the phone on the table, running back to the bathroom where I was crying before, ignoring the three voices behind me asking what’s happening.

What’s happening is that all my plans are ruined now. And this couldn’t happen in a worse moment

Chapter Text

Chapter 15: “Lost.”

<3

The day I finally decided that I was gonna leave and started to make all my plans, I was nothing but optimistic. Yes, I didn’t really know the world that I was gonna be exposed to and finding a job was so hard, I managed to survive the first months on the money I stole from them. Well, technically not, but whatever. I was sure that no matter what was waiting for me out there, it was gonna be better than this nightmare.

Life was rose pink glasses shades for a while, even if I was having weird flashbacks and tormentous memories, life was okay. I two job, I was paiting, I was in peace, I had friends, my own fucking money and free. Everything was supposed to keep that way, that was the only thing I was asking the universe for.

Something else interfied. As my knees and throat were burning while I puked all the wine and dinner I had just moments ago, I can just think how tired I am of this. I’ve been tired my whole life, spending years and years hating everything about my life, so much that I run away. But now that running wasn't enough I just wanted to end it. I want this to end and I don’t know how to. They would find me, running isn’t enough.

Flushing the toilet, I make my way to the sink. My face looked disgusting. A mess of makeup and tears on my eyes and cheeks, my lips were still kinda dirty of vomit which was the first thing I cleaned. I was getting pale, maybe because I just puked my soul out or because I feel like I can’t breath.

I end up washing all my face, pulling my hair up first and washing my arms just in case I smell like puke. Gross. Now, all clean and staring at my own reflection, I didn’t know what to do next. They were behind me, what if they followed me or if I’m found while I’m sleep and defenseless. Panic went to my stomach and put on my chest, my breathing starting to get more and more uneven. Then, suffocation invaded me and I had an urgent urge to leave the bathroom. Shaky hands making my quick way up, I felt like I was being pressed, so hard that I was losing my ability to breath.

Stepping out the bathroom in a rush, I stop myself. I fear when I see Reid’s shadow, sitting on his bed. I scream and quickly cover my mouth. He immediately walks to me, a worried look on his face.

“Hey, is okay.” he mumbles, getting close but keeping a distance. He put his hands up, slowly moving them to me. “Is okay, is okay.”

I shake my head. “I’m-” I choke on my words, can’t even speak. “I’m okay…” I breathlessly let out.

Reid nods, a sad smile on his face. “You are, you are okay. Come here.” His arms reached to me, his hands waiting for mine to take them and I did. He slowly took me to the bed, sitting my on the edge and kneeling in front of me to look at my eyes.

“Let’s breath, okay love? Just like last time.” Reid mumbles, his hands holding mine, laying on my lap. “C’mon, inhale.” I follow him, finding it hard through my tears and shakes. “You are doing fine, it's okay, exhale now.”

I did, not really feeling anything different.

“Again, love, inhale.” He does too, breathing next to me and guiding the rhythm. “You are doing great, love. Exhale.”

As he guides me, his thumbs start to trace slow circles on my hands. A soft touch that I appreciate because it helps me to concentrate on something else than my head. After a while, my breathing starts to get better and my tears stop. My body shakes come down with every exhale and my shoulders lose all the tension.

I didn’t notice that my eyes were closed till now when I slowly opened them. Reid was still there, a comforting smile on his face that I did my best to return.

“Thanks.” I say, my voice’s small and weak.

Reid shakes his head and stands up to sit next to me in the bed. One of his hands doesn't let go of mine, still holding it in my lap and tracing the comforting circles. Now, I fear that he will ask questions. I’m afraid of venting out my life to people, as if it’s not out there enough already.

Reid squeezed my hand and I moved my gaze up to his. I couldn’t read his expression. He looked worried but something else was on his face that I couldn’t understand. Now I was there hoping that he wasn’t thinking of giving me away for the reward or something.

Oh fuck, now I have something else to worry about.

The realization hits me once again and I’m scared. I can’t trust anyone. No even then. Just as Cassie, they could easily think they would be doing me a favor. All I can think is that I need to leave and that I’m scared as fuck. I stand up quickly and he quickly follows, paying attention to all of my actions.

I walk out of the room, stepping into the living room to search for my stuff. I see Élise and Moshe in the kitchen, washing the dishes. I quickly take my bag and jacket and rush to the door. I don’t even stop myself to say goodbye. In fact I hope they don’t notice I leave at all.

But I’m stopped.

Reid is there beside me when I’m about to reach the doorknock. He looks like he’s trying to read my mind.

“Are you leaving?” He asks softly, giving me space by stepping away.

I look away from his eyes, clearing my throat. “Yeah, see you later.” I say and go to reach the doorknock again when he talks.

“Ress…” He sighed, his shoulders falling down and his face going soft and a compasive. “Whatever is going on… you can ask for help, Ress.”

“I, um, I’m okay.” I managed to say, only thinking about how much I want to leave.

“You don’t look okay, Ress.”

That’s my last drop. I open the door and quickly leave, closing it behind me. Not saying bye, nothing. All I can think about is running, spacing, leaving. I go down stairs so fast that I almost step on my own feet. Breathing hard and painting, I step in front of the building door and I fear. What is waiting for me out there, who can see me, how can I avoid it.

Is night, which means that I have the advantage of the lack of light. I quickly put a scarf out of my bag, rolling it around my neck and pulling it up in my chin as much as possible. I pray in silence, just wishing that I can get out of this. Not only now but everyday that comes. I painted my hair when I first moved out, I used to t have long light honey curly hair that falled down my waist. Now, it’s dark but I didn't straight it.

I step outside, the cold wind making my body shiver and I make my quick walk to the métro. In my ride, I focused on different people, thinking if maybe they are watching me and then hating the fact of feeling like the center of attention. I was not, no one was staring or even acknowledged me.

Stepping into my building, I make my way up the stairs hoping it is not the last time I do it. I double checked the principal door two times before leaving. I was afraid of any sign of me being an easy target. I used to, not anymore. I close my door with the three locks and also push a chair in front of it just to make sure. Shutting all my windows and curtains down, I let myself get into the dark and small confort that my house gives me.

lay in bed, letting myself finally cry deeply and feel bad. I’m mad with the universe, mad at them, sad about me. I finally take a look at my phone, focusing on Cassie's email and text from earlier. She was warning me, all the text was about the interview with the news and when will the story come out. I open the email, scared of what I’m about to read but also hoping to find some kind of answer in it. At least one answer that doesn’t make me feel like I lost it.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Ress,

I'm trying to call you. Your parents are definitely going to post your face on the news today. I tried to talk them out of it but my mom was extra annoying and, anyways, they don’t listen to me. So I talked to my professor.

She said that you can just contact the police and declare that you are not missing but also don’t want your family to know where you are. You are an adult so it is your right. Also, and this is more me than anything else, I think it would be a great time to actually talk about what happened, Ress, it would help for them to leave you alone if they are exposed. But that just made me hate the fact that they never got to see the consequences.

I haven’t said a word about it, just like you told me. Even when the police asked me. But, Ress, maybe you should think about it.

I love you, please write me back before I think you hate me.

Cass.

Maybe if I'd read it when I got it I could have avoided the extremely embarrassing moment of someone else seeing me being exposed, my secrets out. What if I run away again, but then my bank account looks at me and I know that would mean more months of struggling. All of that just for maybe having to run away again.

I can’t. At least, now I’m kinda safe. I’m away, so I have time and I look different so people wouldn’t notice. But what if they do. I go through my phone, dialing the number for the police but I'm too scared to call. I bit my nails, thinking about options. Maybe Cassie is right, it is just as easy as me saying something. But what if they say from where did I call.

I just don’t trust anyone now.

I throw my phone away, not having the courage. I have to go to work tomorrow, the possibility of someone coming in and asking if I’m the girl in the news is more than open. Maybe customer service was my worst choice of jobs but I really didn't have any more choice.

Overwhelmed and scared, I close my eyes wishing that the sleep would take the sad feelings away and tomorrow everything would turn out to be a nightmare.

Chapter Text

Chapter 16: “Illegal.”

<3

I wake up with the sound of knocks on my door. My body immediately freezes and the adrenaline goes up my head. I quickly think of a way to scape but I’m on a fucking four floor so I have almost no chance. Grabbing my phone from beside me, I make sure it is silent so it won’t uncover me. I stayed still in the bed, hoping that however was behind the door just assumed no one was home.

My legs and arms were frozen, unconsciously afraid to make even the smallest move. I was shaking my ass off of how nervous I was. THe knocks stop and I exhale in relief, hoping it is the end of it.

Until they start again. I focused my eyes to the doorknock, quick to react if I saw the small move on it. But it didn’t, the knocks just continued. They weren’t aggressive, just insisten. Mostly, I was nervous about how that person was behind my door. I don’t know any of my neighbors, so then just knocking on my door is strange. If it was someone outside, it means they need to have a key for the front door of the building, which means they can come in too if they want to.

THe knocks stop again but this time I’m still scared to relax for it, I won’t be until I hear the steps walking away. But nothing was hoping, not a sound and when I thought that it was over, my phone vibrated on my stomach.

I gasped, getting surprised by it and the knocks started again. However it was, I just made noise enough to let them know I’m home. I bit my fingers, my body shaking for the fear and wanting to punch myself for being stupid. So focused on the knocks, I forgot the phone was still vibrating in my bed. I take it, turning it off before reading the name on it.

It was Reid. I ignore the call, knowing now I’m not in the mood for facing him or anyone in the band if I’m honest. Something I would have to deal with before Friday but I have a few days. I see the time, realizing I need to go to work soon and if this person doesn’t leave, I won’t do it either.

When the knocks stopped for a last time, I finally heard the steps walking away from my door. I waited a few minutes, trying not to get too excited just in case they came back. But it was silence when I finally breathed in relief, all my body relaxing.

I couldn't sleep that night, just spending the hours rolling around my bed to check the door, jumping at any small sound and making sure no one was looking at me through my window. With tired eyes, I still made my way to the morning, getting ready with almost no energy and trying to not let the clock get to me.

Walking into the coffee shop, I feel relaxed with the smell of coffee beans and lavender smell. I say hi to my coworker I was about to cover in the shift and walked all the way into the back, to the only staff allowed room. Putting my bag in the locker, I got my hair in a ponytail and was already tying my apron when the manager came into the door.

“Good morning, Ress.” Sandy says, she's really young, I'm sure she's not in her thirties yet. “Can I see you in the office?” she asked with a nice smile. She has always been really nice.

I nod, smiling back to her and following her into the office. Monday is about the counting of last week. Working in a coffee shop has a different dynamic than working in a bar. Maybe because both are small businesses.

I walk into the small and gray office that Sandy tried to cheer up with some collages. I sit in the small chair and I’m ready to explain last week counting when I realized Sandy’s energy changed completely. She sitted down on the chair with her face now serious, an uncomfortable vibe around.

Sandy clears her throat while putting out a folder. My folder. Suddenly, I fear the worst. I play with my hands trying to stay calm. Sandy looks at me, giving me a sad smile.

“Ress…” She looks down in the folder, taking out some documents. “I want you to read that document please.”

I look down into the false cv I made months ago before applying. I swallow and speak as calmly as I manage. “Is my CV.” I simply put it that way.

“Read the name, please.”

My hands sweat and my stomach twist. I’m scared of whatever the point of this is, I’m scared that they realize that I lied. Still, I look down and read my name with a small voice. “Ress Harmon.”

I look back at her, my head still hanging a little down. My back suddenly hurt from how stressed I was. Sandy gave me a soft smile, her eyes looked full of pity and I felt like throwing up.

“I watched the news last night.” She simply said and my world fell apart.

Part of me was almost facing the possibility of this but that doesn’t mean I want it to happen. My breathing got a little faster and I tried to hold it together, sitting straight in the chair and looking at her back, not knowing what to say.

Speacheless, I heard her continue: “I need you to explain, Ress. You gave me false documents and we. as a business, could have been in serious problems.”

My whole body feels remorse, I honestly didn’t stop for one second into thinking how much this could affect other people. Especially Sandy and Mery that had been so nice to me.

“I…” I try my best to find my voice. “I know I gave false information… but my name is Ress…”

“I know your name, Ress.” Sandy interrupted. “What is happening?”

I swallow hard, avoiding her pitty big brown eyes. I was not ready to talk about this, let alone to tell her who is my boss. Fearing that I’m about to lose my job, I try to find the courage.

“I’m not lost, no one is kidnapping me or anything.” I immediately clarified.

“Glad to know.”

“But I…” I sight and move forward to put my arms on the small desk. “I run away.”

It may be the first time I’ve said it out loud and it is strange. It doesn't feel like my voice, it doesn't even feel like it is happening.

“No shit.” she says, laughing.

I don't know if it was also a sympathy move to make me feel more calm, but I laughed. Feeling a little less nervous now, I try to continue.

“They can’t find me, that’s why I lie in my papers.”

“But you are in a different country.”

I shake my head, a frown showing in my face. “They would find me. I already took a lot of risk keeping my second name in the papers.”

“How could they find you?” She asks, putting her chin in her crossed hands.

“They have a lot of power.” I try to not let out a lot of information, I still don’t trust her too much.

Sandy nods softly. “So you lied in your papers because you ran away and don’t want to be found. Why are your parents on television saying you were kidnapped? They don’t know you wanted to run away?”

“They do. I told them, I left a note explaining but… they don’t care, they want to find me.”

Sandy shigs, looking completely sad out of the sudden. “I’m sorry about that, Ress.” I nod softly. “This is so hard now, wow.” she says, moving her hands over her face to brush over any emotion she was going through now. “The thing is…” she started, her hands on the desk now, over my files. “I can’t have you here with false documents, Ress.”

“But is… not all are fake.” Sandy’s eyebrow rises. “Okay, it is but…” I breathe deep, holding my tears. “Please, I… They would find me if I provided real information. I didn’t lie in all of it, I do have a passport here, it is not illegal.”

“And that passport does not have your real name and I suspect, number, Ress, how did you do that?”

Cassie helped me with that. She was the only person I trusted with the process and asked her if I could have a few passports. They are not really fake, all three of them can be found in the systems. Cassie’s dad has… a lot of power. The reason why I did more than one was just the precaution of having to run away again, I didn’t want to feel trapped once more. She never told me how she made it happen, just showed up one day with them and assured me I won’t have any problem.

Well till now.

“They are legal, is all I can say.”

“Is not legal to have more than one identification, Ress. None of these documents are legal.” She was trying to sound soft but I knew what was coming so I just went with it.

“Am I fired?”

Sandy sighs softly and gives a small nod. “We just can’t work on not legal documents, Ress. This is not about your situation, it is the authenticity of the business. We need to be legal so we can succeed.”

“I understand and I never tried to harm you, guys, I just… I need the job.” My voice is almost rarkig at this point

“I understand, Ress. I do.” Her hand reaches mine, giving me a soft squeeze. Her free hand goes to open the small drawer in the desk, taking out a piece of paper. “This is for you.”

I look at the piece of paper with skepticism before taking it in. The names and numbers written down are not familiar but I noticed the words ``shelters” and looked at her confused.

“They can help you, Ress. I’m sure that if you explain your situation they can help everything get better. You can’t run away all of your life.”

But I couldn’t trust them either. I tried once, more than once if I’m honest and was disappointed every time. They can’t help me. Still, I keep the paper and simply say “Thank you.”

“In the future, Ress, we would love to have you back. You are a great woman.” Sandy is nice, it is not her fault, I understand. I’m not mad at her, she didn’t make all this happen.

I stand up, wanting to leave as fast as possible. “Thank you for everything.” I gave her a smile, not knowing if I’m going to see her again.

Before I could close the door behind me, I heard her call me.

“I really hope everything gets better, Ress. Stay safe.” I nod, feeling like it is impossible for me to hold back and close the door to quickly reach my locker.

I throw the paper in, not even wanting to look at it. Taking off the apron, I throw it inside before taking my bag and closing the locker.

I make my way out, walking through the front desk relieved to see my coworker busy so I don't have to have any conversations. Walking outside of the coffee shop I feel the ache in my chest. I just lost my job. I take a deep breath, trying my best to keep it cool while walking home.

I keep my head down and my breathing even to make sure I don’t start crying in the middle of the street. The cold wind makes me shiver and I try to protect myself with my arms. All the way, all I could think about was what am I going to do now. I need the money from this job and now, there’s a big possibility that I could lose my job at the bar too.

Fear goes up my back and I almost breathe relief when I realize I’m almost home. I climbed all of the stairs as fast as I could, only wishing to be able to get home and cry or scream or whatever. Breathless, I made my way to the door and held back a yelp when I saw Reid standing outside my door. He was wearing a more appropriate outfit for the weather.

“Ress…” He clears his throat, looking down for a few seconds. “Hi.”

I don't know what to say. I don’t even understand how it is possible for him to be there. I’ve never taken him here before, never mentioned on which floor I live or the number or my apartment. Suddenly, I feel scared and take a step back.

“Wow,” Reid frowned, “are you okay?”

“What… What are you doing here?” I managed to say. For some reason, I’m ready to run if I had to.

“Well, we were all really worried about you after you left…”

“But… How did you even get in here? You don’t have a key.” As much as I want to trust him, I can’t. I’m not safe now, everyone could stab me in the back. Just as Cassie.

Is it my fault that suddenly I’m scared? No, is the situation and well I have no choice. The moment I put my guard down can be over for me. I hold my bag strongly, making sure I have my umbrella inside. Is not much but it can be quick.

“I was talking to your neighbor.” He says with an uncomfortable smirk.

“A neighbor?”

“Yeah, this old lady comes out to walk her dog. She was making conversation so I mentioned you and she said she is your neighbor. She let me in.”

“That is like.... extremely dangerous.” I didn’t even know my neighbor was old and had a dog.

Reid laughs softly. “I confess I did lie to her a little to convince her.”

I took a look at Reid. He looks just as he does, a strong energy that is not negative, just intense. He’s wearing jeans and a band hoodie, a long black coat over his shoulders. A beanie in his hair. Red cheeks and sparkly eyes. I just relax and think he’s maybe inoffensive. I have never felt a weird vibe about him, was the exact reason why I had sex with him so soon.

“So…” I said, remembering I wanted to cry two seconds ago and now all my problems came back in flashes. “You want to come in?”

He gives me a soft smile “Yeah”

Is it just Reid… I’ve been with him in other situations and he has always been nice to me. I don’t have any memory that supports my insane thoughts, I’m just nervous. I wanted to be on my own, give myself time to cry about losing my job. Don’t really know why he felt the need to check on me but I admit it felt nice. Comforting to know.

“Okay.” I nod. I pull the keys out of my pocket and place them on the doorknock. Opening the door open, I welcome the second person to ever be inside my house. The first sing is my small kitchen and the bar, followed by my room in the back and my art space close to the big window.

I step inside, Reid following behind me and I close the door while pointing to the place where he could leave his coat. He takes his beanie off too, his hair falling free. I walk to my kitchen, leaving my bar and work stuff behind.

“Do you want coffee or something?” I ask, opening the desk and grabbing my bag of coffee.

“Coffee is fine.” He says, sitting on the bar facing me while I put the coffee in the oven and start making it. I focused on the work, not really being familiar with having visited. Tina was only here for two minutes. “I thought you were at work today.” he mentions moments later.

“Why would you come here then?” I ask, actually doubting. I look up at his eyes, making sure I see him answer.

“I went to your work before.” Reid gives me a shy smile. “Didn’t see you around so that got me worried… is why I got here.”

I nod, seeing the coffee boiling and turning the fire off before making a mess. I grab the two cups and say slowly. “Why are you worried? I’m okay.”

Serving the coffee, he doesn’t say anything. He looks at me while I pour the hot coffee in the mugs and take the sugar bowl out with the two small spoons. I take a seat in front of him, in the only free chair in the small bar. I put sugar on my coffee and move my spoon in circles while looking up at him. He looks at me with a small grin on his face, taking a sip of the coffee without sugar after taking the spoon and starting to add more than three sugar spoons.

“Do you…” he starts, looking down at his coffee moving in circles. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

I start to shake my head, trying to act clueless. “What?”

He sighs, maybe really I’m harder to break in that subject. In any personal subject, if we are honest, we usually don’t talk about our own life’s in a deep manner. “Why weren’t you at work today?” he just casually asks.

I look down my lap, stopping the mug middle way to my mouth and putting it down. I just shake my head, not daring to look at his eyes. “I don’t wanna talk…”

“Why not?” I felt his hand touch mine before I couldn’t even notice. I didn’t pull away, always feeling a weird comfort in his touch.

I just don’t know if I can trust him. Sex is really easy and quick deal, not a big personal matter into the act. It was never supposed to be like that, not in my plans even when I put my eyes on him the first time. Talking to him about my personal life is not even my plan now. I don’t know if I should trust anyone.

“I… don’t trust you.” I just let it out, looking into his eyes just for him to know that my words came from fear, not hatred.

Reid’s hands squeeze mine. “I understand… but you can, Ress.” His eyes were more intense than ever before but, more than that, they weren’t more reasons.

“Can I?” I’m not going to lie, I would feel nice. To actually have a partner in crime and feeling that someone is looking for my back. During my trip, I was constantly thinking about meeting a weird nice stranger that I just could trust. It obviously never happens, not until now?

“Yes, you can.” His body leans forward, his hand keeping his grip, his warm fingers making me get goosebumps. “I… I don’t know what is happening, Ress, I’m actually really confused and you don’t have to tell me anything. I just want you to know that… Well, I’m worried. We all are. We really like you, we don’t like the fact that you are going through… whatever is happening.” I don’t see a sign of dishonesty in his eyes, actually fearing the fact that I could trust him.

I have always known I need help. I just never got it, not like I needed it. Now, after so many times of being betrayed, I just feel too vulnerable to even faze the fact of someone else doing it. I remember each time he has helped me with controlling my anxiety and never has taken advantage of me in any situation. He has been nice, no matter how much I want to distrust. I take a sip of my coffee now, feeling it less warm than before.

“I got fired from the coffee shop.” I just say it, not actually understanding what I say in the beginning. Is the first time I even spoke the words. The realization hits me, feeling the warmth in my cheeks getting stronger. “I got fired cuz they saw the news, too.”

I feel the tears come down my face before I can even stop it. I keep my look down, hoping that he doesn’t notice but he always does. Reid always notices when I’m not okay. His hand just grabs mine stronger, trying to make me feel better from the distance.

“Is okay, love.” he mumbles, his voice raspy.

I try to calm myself but it is impossible, I use my free hand to cover my face to make sure he doesn’t see how ugly I’m starting to cry. We just stayed there for a while, my tears being the only sound and his tounch being the only thing distracting me. Our coffees were cold when my tears finally came to an end.

“Thank you.” I wiped away my tears, one of the many times he has seen me do it.

“I’m sorry this is happening, Ress.” He says, his hand stroking my arm.
“You were never meant to see me like this” I try to hide my face, but Reid doesn’t let me, searching for my eyes.

“You don’t have to hide from me.” I wish his voice weren’t so soft, so honest and kind. He sounds like he was actually begging for me to trust him. I have a weird feeling in my stomach now but not in a bad way.

“I know… I just… I’m scared.” My voice breaks.

“I know, love.”

I shut my eyes close, fearing he actually is going to make me speak out about anything that is worrying me. He has been good at waking things up for me that I didn’t even know I had.

“What am I going to do now?” I ask the question that has been going to my brain since I left the coffee shop. The same question I've been thinking about since I saw my face in the news last night.

“You are going to be okay, love, we've found you a new job.” He tried to console me.

Is it going to be as easy? What if they saw the news too? I didn’t even know if my job at the bar was safe now. I could lose that job too and if I do I would probably die.

“Yeah? Where?” I left out a sarcastic laugh. I would lie if I say I’m not mad at the universe. I've been mad since day one.

“Élise works at a boutique she could help.” He suggested.

I totally forgot they had work too besides playing at the bar as a band.

“What do you work on?” I ask, trying to take my opportunity in trust to know him too. I need to know if I actually can..

“I work at the library at college, getting books back at their place and taking chek outs.”

I smile softly, looking back at his eyes again for the first time since I cried. “Of course you do.” I say.

“Why? The sad poet thing?” He jokes too, matching my energy. He always does that.

I shake my head, now feeling shy to continue. “I just you, is clearly something you would love.”

“I do love it.” Reid nods.

“Do you work today?” I ask, looking at the clock on my wall. Is only ten in the morning.

“I have an afternoon shift. I get in at three.”

So we have a lot of time. Is it enough for me to know I can trust him for real? I don’t know much about his life, never been asking a lot of information either. However, he has never really tried to be not direct. I have known his house since day one, his friends, where he works. I don’t know anything about his pass either.

Does he really trust me? Why? It's not like I’m non trusty, maybe I just think people are as hard to trust as me. Maybe he’s the easiest person, the one that sees good in everyone. I never had that opportunity, do I have it now?

Chapter Text

Chapter 17: “Promise me.”

<3

Last time I tried my best to trust someone was when I was twelve and Cassie’s dad started to work with mine. That way, I started to see her every Sunday at lunch or dinner, in church, kids' parties and eventually the same schools. We ended up having sleepovers soon after and when she finally started to talk to me about things, I only did the listening work. I only wanted to listen to her stories and felt like I didn’t have anything to tell. However I did want to talk about things, especially when I started to feel the pain aches and I didnt know what they meant. I didn’t tell her about everything until we were fifthteen, keeping part of the story incomplete.

Only a month before I ran away I told her my made up story for her. I did want to say goodbye to Cassie, she was the only friend I had ever had, the first person that ever loved me shiflesly, I didn’t want her to be worried about me or think that I was about to stop talking to her. I explained to her we had to be careful, gave her the new email address I created and made her promise me to not tell anyone. We still missed that part. That's the reason why, some part of me was afraid of being open about my destination. I just didn't want anyone to know because I was afraid of this.

Even after years of knowing Cassie, someone inside me was just scared. I’m afraid all the time. But I didn’t realize how much I miss her until now, that a total stranger is trying to make me open up.

To trust Reid, maybe I have to do the same thing I tried to do before. Keeping sligh truth with lies and some avoidance. I have no choice right now, I’m way too exposed already, maybe in the future I could be able to trust him enough. Or maybe not, maybe he would disappoint me. I just don't want to rush myself to trust a stranger. Not after I was betrayed by people I knew too much.

“Your paintings” Reid pointed, he was still in his seat, his vision focused on my small studio in the corner. A few paintings were laid on the wall for them to dry. Some of them are old, I just haven't hung them. My paints and pencils were in the small table color orange that I found in a street corner. “Can I?” he gestured with his head to the corner.

I nod, standing up and taking the empty cups to wash them. I watch Reid walk to my studio, kneeling on the floor to have a better look of the paintings. He takes his time on each one of them, his eyes moving around every detail. I don’t paint lots of diverse things. First thing was portraits, I have some of just Cassie. Also plants and birds. I have some skies I’ve been trying but I haven’t found the color I want. Is the one laying in the wood hold, unfinished.

“Who is she?” Reid asks, making my lookup from the disher. He pointed at Cassie’s painting.

I put the rinsed cups in the drier and focused on watching my hands. Maybe trying to not make so much eye contact would be better for now. I take a minute before answering and finish drying my hands.

“Is my friend Cassie.” I mumble later, leaving the towel away.

He nods and moves his vision to the third painting. “I really like this one.” He looks at the portrait of Cassie. She is drinking tea, sitting on the terrace of her room. The views are the surrounded woods of tall trees, flowers and birds. Her face is kinda blurry by the paint, surrounded by a pink aura.

“Thank you, I worked on it for a while.” The first draft was when I first moved here and I finished just a few days ago. I just take my time, I would say I’m slow.

Reid stood up, his hands in his pockets when he turned around to look at me. “They are all really good.” He was trying to have some decent distance in every sense, even his words. He also smiled at me in the same way I always found enchanting.

“Thank you.” I managed to mumble again, stumbling back in my seat in the bar.

“Where’s Cassie now?” He asked, his eyes gazing at me while he took slow steps. I tried to move my eyes away from his.

“Not here.” I said, playing down with my hands.

“She posed for that one?” I noticed that he was trying to break the ice into a conversation. He was taking for real the whole trus me situation and he seemed interested. My plans did not involve me talking.

“No, it was made out of memory.” Is the only way I have managed to paint the ones I have now. Before, getting painting materials was impossible at home and I could even touch a brush until my first week here and after thousands of video tutorials.

“Wow, all out of memory? You are good.” He asked, standing right in front of me on the other side of the bar.

“Not really, just never tried with a model before.” I shuddered, I’m not interested in hiding anything related to my work. Is actually the only thing that I’m willing to share. Still, I keep my eyes down.

“Do you alway use water colors?” Reid asked, I could hear him taking slow steps around, as if he was just standing there weirdly. Couldn't look up to check.

I nod. “I like the way colors are mixed together with water. But I will use other paintings when I can pay for them.” I try to joke, I also want the tension to go and be able to have a conversation. At the end of the day, we both don’t really know each other but we are good at talking anyways. This is easier if it is not weird.

“Can I ask you a question?” I say seconds later, looking up at him. I figured that maybe me starting the questions would make it feel less interrogatory.

He quickly nods, stopping his sloopy steps. “Sure.”

“Did you plan on moving here?” It was a stupid question, I was not up to ask something I couldn’t aswer back.

Reid smiled, “Yeah, Moshe and I were looking for a school where both of us could take different classes.”

He never hesitated when I asked a question. It was more like the pause for the memory to come back alive and not actually making up a different answer. Or it seems like it. Maybe I thought he could hear me lying. I always think people hear me lying. Then, nothing happens.

“You always wanted to go to the same place?” At this point, I’m just trying to make the conversation be less an interview for me and more like a normal chat.

“Yeah, I’m emotionally dependent on Moshe.” Reid jokes, laughing softly and then continuing. “We had the idea of the band since then, being together would make it easier. It did, actually, even with both of us working and studying, we managed to make it.”

“What is Moshe’s job?” I ask out of pure curiosity. I couldn't picture Moshe in any job to be honest, he looked so unbothered about everything all the time.

“It's funny because he hates it.” Reid shows up with a small grin. “He does this thing at La Poste, more like the systemic part of the work, checking ins and outs.”

I laughed under my breath. “He does not have the look of an office person.”

“I know, he hates it.” Reid laughs with his eyes as well, I’m just noticing that. I still don’t know how but they look different. His eyes always communicated his feelings so well, it was like an open book.

Imagine if I fucking knew how to fucking read.

I look away from his eyes, feeling ashamed from him noticing me stare too much. I try to hide my red cheeks and make sure to distract myself with my hands.

“Why do you look away?” I hear moments later.

Confused, I pull my head back up, looking back at his eyes with a frown. “What?” I realized he walked closer now, standing across the bar.

“You do that. You are looking at me and then you just stop.” He never looks away when he looks at me so maybe it is easier for everyone to keep eye contact. Not me, not all the time at least. He takes a seat.

“I just… I just don’t wanna stare.” I mumble, actually feeling that same energy he has when he less me almost dumb talking. A little embarrassing to admit.

“You can stare.” Reid assured me and the answer shocked me so bad that I looked up. His grin left me breathless. I’ve been so stressed I forgot how filtry he can be and how much I like it.

I simply nod, keeping my eyes on his. He nods next to me, his grin forming now a smile. “Tell me something about you.” he says, standing up again and walking around my place again, making his way back to the wall of paints, also checking the few books I have.

“Like what?” I say, staying in the same place I found like my shelter just for being close to the door.

“Anything.” Reid says he focused on a painting I made about the bar public in a red color. It was another one that took a while, I wanted every detail for each customer.

I think for a second. I’m trying my best to maybe give him a hint about me. Just until I found out if he’s trustable. I try to go simple, not important.

“I used to wear braces.” I say, not caring that maybe is silly.

Reid laughs, his shoulders moving as he tries to hide it with a grin. “Me too.”

“Are all your songs personal stories?” I ask, relaxing my body over the bar and resting my arms.

“Of course, how else could I know what happens.” He turns back to look at me with a grin that fades seconds after. Then, he walks closer to me, giving a soft smile as he seems to be pushing space between us.

“Did you planned on moving here?” He asks me.

I sighed and gave him a shrug “Not really”.

“How did it happened then?”

I shake my head, not realizing until now he was using my question against me. “If this is about the news…”

Reid looks at me with a frown “How can it be?”

I stay silence, realizing I may sound too paranoid now. It’s not like I know he saw the news, and I don’t even know what the news say. I have my guard up but I can’t help it.

”Sorry, I’m on edge”.

“I see you are not relaxed.” Reid closes the distant between us, pulling his hand up and looking deep in my eyes. “Let me help you”.

Let him help me.. he has before, all surprises and inconvenient. Reid has already seem so many vulnerable parts of me, the smartest thing for me to do should be pulling from him as much as I could. Instead I take his hand, feeling like all my body craved to be close to him and took the opportunity now he offer it. I also felt like a complete idiot for feeling that way.

Reid pulls me to my bed, sitting next to me by the edge and keeping his eyes on mine. His eyes were intimidating and I feared he can notice how easily he makes me nervous.

“Now, breath with me, love.” He mumbles, his moves my hand to his chest until it’s wide open against his chest, feeling his heartbeat

He’s breathing way too slow as compared to me, but I try my best to follow him. Then, his hand moves to lay flat on my chest and that immediately makes my breath breaks because somehow his touch still affected me.

“Easy, love” His thumb slowly strokes my skin and I focus on follow him. “Inhale and exhale when I do.”

I try my best to follow him but my lip can’t stop trembling. He doesn’t give me up on me, just softly instructing me to breath like him, staring into my eyes and speaking all the time, until all I could heard and see was him.

“Good girl” He mumbles and only then I realize my breathing was calmer. “Now, feel your body. Are you relaxed?.” Reid asks me as his hand leaves my chest and goes up to my shoulder. Both hands stroking my shoulders and neck softly.

I nod and Reid shakes his head with a grin . “You don’t feel like it, love.” His voice is very soft but he also sounds worried. Like he’s scared to say or do the wrong thing.

My hand was still on his chest and I try to move it away but it was trembling too much. Instead I focused on relaxing and try to not avoid his eyes, to show him I was trying. He’s eyes are as intimidating as always, but this time are warmer.

Reid starts to move his hands to my hair, brushing away from my face. “It’s okay, love. It’s just me.”

I speak before I can think my words “But who are you? And you don’t who I am.”

“You are Ress.” He gives me a smile that feels comforting, “you are this beautiful girl I can’t stop thinking about, you work very hard for your dreams and… you don’t trust people easily.” He pauses, graving my face and pausing his closer, until our foreheads met and our eyes can’t look away from each other. “But I really hope you give me some of that trust, love.”

His words let me speechless, mostly because I was not expecting them. Reid is different to any guy I’ve been before, wanting to be around more for more than just sex and pushing me to speak about myself.

“Its hard” I finally breathe out, being the only thing in my mind.

“I know, love” Reid nods, pushing away but his hands remain on me. “But I promise you, you can trust me.”

I nod slowly, trying to process his words. I don’t know if I should trust him. I’m scared of everything that could take me back. But, honestly, I’m already close to doing this on my own. Maybe asking for help is not the worst idea, but I needed to do things right while on it or it could be my worst mistake. I slowly move my hand, touching the hair that falls on the back of his neck.

“I don’t mean to be rude…” I say second later, “I haven’t trust someone in a long time.” I mumble, feeling like my emotions are getting louder and confusing.

Reid kisses my temple and then puts his arms around me “Come here, love.” He pushes me into a deep hug, both hands pressed in my back, pushing my chest into his. His face is in my neck and his soft breathing causes goosebumps in my skin. I let myself melt into him, fighting with all the voices in my head telling me he was basically a stranger and trusting him was a waste of time. But other other part of me just like the comfort he gave me, the distraction he brought me and the complete relaxation that always fills me when I’m with him.

My eyes were watering without me being able to stop it. “I’m so scared…” my voice breaks.

“I know…” he kisses my hair over and over as I cry on his chest.

I wish I could be stronger and don’t allow him to see me this way. But it’s been an overwhelming day, the last hours of my life flying through me in a shock that let’s trembling and crying. And Reid, giving me nothing to allow me to hate him or fear him, just mumbles comforting words and stocks my skin and hair.

When my tears finally stop, I push away from him mortified that I let a trail of tears on his shirt. I quickly wipe my tears away with my hands. “Your shirt, I’m sorry.”

Reid chuckles and reaches for my face again. “That doesn’t matter love” his thumbs softly stroke my cheeks, pushing the last sigh of tears away.

I stare at him in silence, debating if I should continue with whatever I got into the moment I met him, or taking the smart decision to continue on my own only, as I had until now..

“You need to promise you will never ask about it.” I pulled out my only requirement. Right now is all I need.

Reid shakes his head, one of his hands moving to pull my hair behind my ear. “About the news, love? I didn’t watch them.”

“You didn’t?” By now, I was sure they all did.

“Élise did mentioned something.” He gives me an apologetic smile.

“Then promise me you won’t watch them. And you won’t ask, just… pretend that never happened.”

He sighs, realizing I need clear words.“I promise”

Is it me who moves forward to kiss him. It was more something impulsive, maybe I wanted to feel something more than just fear and anxiety. It was a slow kiss, soft mostly. It was a confort kiss. Reid had the ability to make me feel distracted from everything else, mostly because whatever he caused to my stomach was something new. I pull away, keeping my forehead close to his.

We stay in silence for a few seconds, our eyes having a silent conversation.

“I ran away.” I spit out, feeling a bullet in my stomach.

He laughs softly, his hand on my arm, moving to my waist. “No way.” he gave me a soft squeeze.

I frown, pushing away from him, “You said you didn’t watch the news.”

“But that’s not what the news are saying, right?”

“So I just give the impression that I run away?” I don’t realize my voice is more harsh, I’m feeling defensive about his comment.

Reid gives me an understanding smile, softly squeezing my chin, “You give the impression that you still are”

I sigh, suddenly feeling tired, “Doesn’t that sound like a girl with too much baggage to be around?”

He shakes his head, “Is a girl I want to help, even if it’s just distracting her from all that mess.”

Don’t know how selfish this can be but I really liked the way he made me feel. It was mostly the fact that I’m used to someone pushing to hard to console me and help me, not since Cassie. Still, I fear this is not selfless from his part but somehow I’m not sure as I move to kiss him.

This time I’m kissing him deeper, harder, touching him more of him and getting my body as close as his. I need this distraction and him offering it was something I was not willing to reject now. Maybe later, if he turns out to be as bad as I’m trying to convince me he is. But until them, I want to have this moment, this feeling, I want to have his kisses and touches as they seem to be the only distraction I can get from all that was going on.

Reid kisses me back as deeply, his warm hands traveling to my body and then he pushes us both so we lay sideways on the bed. This way, we can kiss deeper, our chest press together harder, our hips can can get closer and out legs can get tangled. He kisses me until I’m breathless, and once I take my breath back, his mouth is on mine again. We share deep kiss, then soft kiss, then teasing kissing and then sweet kisses.

I see Reid and all I see is someone I don’t know but deep inside of me I can't help but not feel so scared of. At the end of the day, he does look inoffensive. He’s laying down next to me, watching the way the sudden rain has started to hit the window. We are in silence, we have been for a while after we stopped our make out session. I’m looking at him, because I’m still trying to decide if I made the right choice at laying here next to him.

I just have so many things to think about. If I lost one job, I could be in risk of losing the second one too. Second one that I have to face tonight and if I’m also fired I could probably go insane.

I feel Reid’s hand go up my arm slowly and I move forward to the touch. Is really cold now that it has started to rain.

“You can stay quiet for a long time.” He mumbles, as if he was thinking out loud. His cheek layed on the bed, his eyes going a little closed.

“I had practice.” Is all I give away. I rather put the information out there in a more subtle way than just having a vomint word episode.

He nods, moving his eyes on the rain drops that make the small sounds over and over. After a make out session I felt like just laying down. We talked a little about the job that Élise could help me find. It seems like she works in a clothing store, they only pay the minimum wage but you have a commision for each seal. It doesn't sound so bad, except for the fact that I was hoping they haven't seen the news in a while.

“Can I ask you a question?” Reid asks, taking me out of my train of thought. I pulled my head up off his chest to look at him.

“Sure.” I say, not really sure if I’m going to be willing to answer it.

He actually thinks about his question for a second, leaving me frozen waiting for his words. I was getting nervous if I’m honest. It could be anything and I was preparing my speech if he decided to be mad if I didn't answer. It goes both ways.

His eyes met mine, looking serious and nervous. “Is Ress your real name?” Reid finally let out. I took a deep breath and went back to my spot on his chest.

I stare into the window. The rain is getting heavier and the cold wind is making me get shaking chills. I was expecting that question since last night. Honestly, I’m surprised he didn't ask sooner. I could easily say it was a question about my past, so he already broke his promise. Yet, it seems inoffensive as I think about it.

If I decided to not trust him, stay alone and try to face my issues it could be more difficult for me. With people on my side, maybe there would be someone to help with just a little of the heavy weight I've carried since so many years ago.

“Is my second name.” I responde.

I felt him nod and then his hand continued with the soft moves on my arm. “Can I know your name?”

I almost feel butterflies in my stomach. Maybe it is related to the fact that I have never met someone that asked me for consent all the time. It was one of my favorite things about him and it made me feel more relief about trusting a little more. He knows my full name, he knows my last name is fake, I’m not stupid. But still, the fact he asked, just made me feel better.

I sigh, moving out of his chest to lay down on the pillow, I move to my side to be able to look at his face. His profile is really pretty, his nose is long and thin, is really pretty. My view is interrupted because he moves to the side too, looking back at me. He talks with his eyes in all the senses. His lips are color red, maybe for the cold weather, and his hair, that always looks stupidly good, is pulled back but a few of them are falling down in his forehead.

“My name is Ress. Is the name I’ve been called for by the people that really cared about me.” My words are soft and slow, I’m thinking about everything I’m saying way too much. “But my birth name,” I continue, “is Marie Ress.”

His eyebrows go up and he nods. I look at him with narrow eyes, not understanding, and a cocky smile starts showing on his lips. I follow him soon, not containing the laugh that comes out of me. He doesn't either. And I have no idea what we are laughing about.

“What?” I ask, playfully pushing him back on his chest.

“Never thought that would be it, that’s all.” He keeps smiling, a few marks forming on his cheeks where his lips go up. I move my eyes up and down his face without being able to help it.

“I lied because of security.” I clear out, not wanting him to think I’m some crazy person just lying for no reason.

Instead, he moves a little closer to me, his hand moving up to my face. His fingers are cold against my hot skin and I shiver when his fingertips start to move up and down my cheek and jaw.

“I know.” His voice is hoarse. “You can ask me something in return.” He says.

I really don’t have many questions that wouldn’t involve the same answers from me. I was not about to play that game. So, I go safe.

“How did you go into writing?” I actually have been thinking about it for a while. Usually writers are sad people, it is not just me who says it. It was the same reason why I got into writing myself, the reason why it got taken away from me too.

Reid chuckles, his eyes hiding from mine for a second. When he looked back I noticed him blushed. “Well… I was like twelve and there was this writing contest at school. I had a crush on a girl in my class so I took the chance. But I had to be careful, I was twelve so I didn’t realize that it was a crush so I wrote this poem about friendship and love. I won first place.” He proudly adds. “After that, every feeling I felt like I could say out loud I just wrote it down and it felt better.”

“And you won more trophies?” I grin at him.

“Bunch of them''. They were not helpful in college applications, though.” He says, shrugging. His soft giggles were distracting.

“Would you have chosen something else?” I have a lot of regrets of my own. Not related to my choices but regrets.

“Not really… I mean, music was just the perfect adiccion I needed.” Reid’s phone rings in his pocket and his hand leaves my body to go and take it out his pants.

The screen shins and I close my eyes because it is really strong. He comes back next to me soon later, now holding the phone close to his face. “Tina and Élise are on their way.”

I sit up quickly, my heart jumping out my chest. “Really? Why?”

Reid follows my action, moving his hand again up and down my arm while shushing me. “Is okay, is fine, they just want to help.”

“Did you tell them something?” I blur out.

Reid signs, looking at me with sore eyes. “Ress.”

I move my eyes down to my lap, ashamed of how quick I am to be nervous and untrustful. “Sorry.”

“They just want to help, about the boutique and about… keeping you out of sight.” He tries to talk me down, I can feel it in his tone.

Never thought I would become someone that has a person trying to cope with their feelings. I nod, making my way to stand up and turn the lights on. The room has gotten darker now because of the rain, even if it is only noon.

I watch Reid switch to the edge of the bed, his back to my view while I make my way to the fridge and make sure I have enough drinks if someone wants some. Now, I’m feeling more nervous than before and starting to second doubt myself. I couldn’t even last a day. I make my way to my bedside table, opening the first drawer to take out the box of cigarettes out of it.

“Want one?” I asked Reid while I made my way to open the big window and get out to the small balcony. Only two people fit in here, three if you are really squeezed.

I feel him follow me outside, moving back and forth until we face each other, standing on each edge of the balcony. I pulled the open box to him, Reid took the cigarette and immediately put it between his lips.

My hands were shaking when I started to light it up, the cold wind making my skin shiver. I took the first puf so I was happy to feel what it was not really warm, but close to it. I was about to hand him my light when I realized he had pulled out one of his own. Reid grinned, his face being covered by the smoke. I looked away, feeling like I needed to think.

I took another sip of my cigar, letting the smoke stay in as long as I could. I was feeling a little defieded, the whole idea of not being able to do it by myself. I had heard it from the first time from Cassie, when she insisted about the passports, and then when she insisted we both should go, a suggestion I had to deny everytime and it always broke my heart. If I was going to need someone I would’ve wished that it was Cassie. These are the moments when I miss her. I haven’t made up my mind if I trust these people or not and now they know my secret. I either trust them or stay alone and fail, as it has been apparently.

“Ress.” Reid said, his voice soft and a little concerned.

I take another sip of my cigar before looking back at him.

“Everything is going to be okay.” He assured me, like he knew I needed to hear it.

I nodded, exhaling the smoke and wishing he was right.

Chapter Text

Chapter 18. “Camouflage”

<3

Reid left as soon as Tina and Èlise got to my house. It was a harsh feeling to think about their plans. Facing everyone I know, now that they know one of my secrets, is weird. I feel exposed and uncovered, as if I just gave them an excuse to untrust me or use it against me.

But Tina and Èlise didn’t bring up the subject. No for the first half an hour or so where they offered to cook some lunch with me. They brought a few bags with them, some with food for the meal and others that I never got to see, were put aside immediately. We made some pasta and Tina made the garlic bread. It was just casual conversation between friends, especially while sharing the wine and just cleaning the end of our meal.

It was when I was done washing the dishes that I noticed they acted a bit more tense. I took a seat on the only chair available in my room now that they both were on my bed. They stopped mumbling to each other as soon as I did, giving me small smiles and warm looks. They were trying to figure out how to begin the conversation.

“I know you guys know, you were with me when I watched the news.” I told Èlise, weirdly giving a smile to try to show I’m not as nervous as I am.

Èlise gave me a nod and moved forward to put her arms on her lap. “I know it sucks, cherie, but everything will be fine.”

Is it? I’m not sure, honestly. I’ve never been completely and since I tried to believe it I just get convinced otherwise.

Èlise took Tina’s hand, giving her a comforting smile too. “Tina has something to tell you.”

I just realized that Tina looked as nervous as I was. She was the one that made the call, the one that let me know what was going on. Her expression was similar to mine when I looked in the mirror since this happened.

“You want me to leave you alone?” Èlise asked Tina. She shook her head and squeezed Èlise's hand.

Tina finally met my eyes. “I ran away too.”

She just says it like it, like she needs to spit it out soon before the words choke her. I understand the feeling of fear behind that confession.

“Oh.” It was all I had to say. My boundaries with questions may be as strong as she’s.

“I’m not gonna explain why just as you don’t have to, okay?” She frowned a little, the subject is not her favorite.

I nod, glad to hear it. I don’t like to talk about it either.

Now, knowing that information… How was it supposed to help me? Èlise has since focused on taking the bags that were untouched before and start checking the items inside.

“Can I tell you what was the biggest problem with that news report?” Tina starts playing with her hands, whatever she is going to tell me will snap a nerve on me, she thinks. Maybe she 's right, because I nod when I wish I didn’t. “You look exactly the same.”

First I frown, then I open my mouth to reply but quickly close it. “What do you mean?” Is what I ended up saying.

“When I… did it.” She made a face. “My main worry was to not look as I did, changing my image as much as I could to keep hidden.” She looked at me up and down. “You look the same Ress, in the picture in the news and now. Maybe a little different but the similarities are stronger.”

I feel my heart drop to my stomach. I thought I did a good job, changed my whole clothing and cut my hair. I used it down now when I used to wear strange hair styles all the time. All this time I’ve been this exposed and I didn’t realize? A cold hair of fear travels over my body and I feel the pressure of the worry on my head, right on my forehead. Yeah, I have a headache.

“I thought… I thought…” But I can’t finish a sentence. Anyone that has seen me on the streets since the news could have let them know is me. How could I be so stupid?

“Is okay, babe, take a breath.” Èlise reaches for my hand, her warm eyes with her worries frown being the only thing in my vision while I try to catch my breath.

When I finally come back to not be so stressed, my palms are so sweaty I feel like washing them.

“I didn’t want to tell you to get you worried. We want to help you not to look like that anymore.” Tina mumbled, taking one of the bags. “I don’t know your reasons, Ress, but I know they are as important as mine. So I want to help, is that okay?”

This feels unreal. The first day I met Tina, on my first day of work, she was the one that taught me all about the tasks, training me all along my first days at this new job. She didn’t seem like someone I could relate to at the moment, less someone that maybe lived a similar experience as mine. She was my smoke break partner but our conversations were never too deep. Now I realized she was not following my vibe, she was also avoiding deep conversation about herself. Different from Lisa that loves oversharing. She looked like a normal person, not as someone that had a big dark shadow behind them.

I nod. “Okay, okay, what should I do?” I look at both of them.

Èlise is the one that stands up and starts scrolling around her phone while speaking. “We have some ideas that may not be as pleasing so maybe tell us if you are okay with it.”

Well, it's not like I have a choice here. Is either I look different or I exposed myself to be found. I think I have already faced all the moments of fear in my life enough to blindly continue to whatever their plan is.

“What ideas?” I ask, open to anything but I myself have no ideas.

“But first… the more basic ones.” Tina starts, putting out of the bag items to dye hair. “We need to change your hair. You can choose the color, Èlise picked them.” Tina shows up the bottles.

“You would look so good with red hair. Your skin is gorgeous.” Èlise smiles, pressing the choice. I shrugged not giving it a second thought.

“Fine, let’s dye red.”

Tina frowns and lets out a small laugh. “That was quick.”

“I’m down to anything at this point.” I sigh.

Èlise hands me her phone. “Glad to hear that because this is another idea.”

Her gallery is full of tattoos. They were small but all different, related to different things and even done with different styles. I’ve never even thought of tattooing, though I like how they look. Reid has a few very cool ones. But for me it was just never a choice, especially for me money behind it.

“Tattoos can help me?” I asked them, looking up the phone.

“Yes, that and piercing.” Tina points out, I realized that she had it too. Tattoos and piercings.

“Why?” Just curiosity. The people looking for me would never look twice at someone with tattoos, does not fit the idea of the person they think I am, that I know.

“Is a visual distraction, easy to discard, say no because it is not the last memory they have of you.”

“How expensive can that be? I just lost one of my jobs.”

“Oh! About that!” Èlise exclaims and starts scrolling on her phone again. I watch her and Tina, who is focused on hair products.

“Would you like some red, black combination?” Tina asks me suddenly, she seems excited.

“Okay..”

“Here it is!” Èlise phone is once again thrown to my face. “I spoke to my boss. We need someone to cover the afternoon shift.“ I look through the email, and they want to interview me tomorrow. “The pay is not good all the time, it is mostly commissions. But I can assure you every holiday is like a gold mine.”

It was a small store. Selling clothes, accessories and some weird times that someone would choose for decor.

“How did you get my CV?” I ask her, just confused.

“Oh, I did that!” Tina told me, standing up now to start getting the hair product ready in the bathroom. “Mery lets me use her computer so I just downloaded the CV that you sent her.” She walked out, getting closer to me with a sympathetic look. “I kinda saw that you were getting out of your job… is one of the reasons why we need to do this now.”

The mention of Mery makes me shiver and I look at Tine, nervously. “Is Mery doing the same?”

Losing one job is already bad, losing the second one can be the most traumatizing thing to happen to me right now. I can just do one awful thing at the time.

“Mery will not, okay? First, she’s old and busy, she doesn't have time for news. And second… She is nice.” Tina chuckled. “She doesn't know about me either but I think she kinda suspected it. She will not and if she does we'll go together, right?”

Tina gives my shoulder a squeeze and I smile back at her, liking the comfort.

“And about the tattoos.” Èlise continues as she starts picking my hair and brushing it. “They can be expensive. It depends where. Rich does tattoos, you know, I’m sure he can help you with some.”

“Rich is a tattooer?”

“Not full time, you know, job and school and tattoos are not a good business when you haven’t tattooed like a thousand people or something.”

“Isn’t it about the style?”

“I would say it's more the price.” She giggles and reaches a hand to me to help me stand up. “Now let's go dye your hair red, okay?”

I nod, feeling more comfortable with the situation. I had no idea that anything that we just talked about was how our evening was gonna go. Now, I’m not only gladly surprised but also thankful. I get so overwhelmed with everything going on that I forget the rational important things. I’m also glad that they are the ones helping me. I have met Tina the longest and never though she would be more than the coworker I like to have smoke breaks with. She was helping me because she has been here too. It feels warm and nice, to know someone relates at some point.

I sat down on my toilet and they both started the work with my hair. I feel how Èlise starts dividing my hair while Tina mixes some yellow and white creams on a small bowl. When Èlise left the bathroom to put music on, Tina started putting gloves on.

“You’ve never dyed your hair?” she asked, grabbing back the bowl and mixing the now white cream with a small brush.

“No. What is that?” I point at the bowl. “I thought it was red.”

Tina laughs, moving to my side so she can start working on my hair. “Your hair is dark, babe, we need to take that color off so we can put the new one on.”

“Oh, okay.”

The soft sounds of the music start playing, Èlise humming along the song. She is dancing around a little, doing something with his hands that I can’t catch because Tina started to put the white cream on my hair.

The silence fills us for a moment, I’m just playing with my hands and now suddenly I feel back to the first day I met Tina, too insecure to know what to say or how to start a conversation.

“You told Èlise?” I asked out of curiosity, I was busted not exactly me sharing willing information.

“Yeah… it was not as bad as I thought.” Her hands move around my head. “She kinda figured out I was too… reserved with information. Since I told her it is easier for her to understand there's questions I don't wanna answer.”

“But why? I mean…” I look down to my hands, feeling maybe a little jealous of the fact that she chose when and how to tell and that was stolen for me. “Aren’t you afraid she will tell someone?”

Tina giggled, “I thought about it too. But honestly I don’t think she will get anything from it other than just me leaving. I just need to trust her. Besides…” She cleared her throat. “From where I left… no one is looking for me. I mean, maybe, but not in the same way as you.”

A pain grows on my stomach. It is true, at the end of the day I’m being chased, it's like I need to actually be aware because they can find me. Tina does not have that pressure and it makes me happy for her but just more worried about me.

“Can I ask you something?” I frown, feeling my head itching and my hand being slapped away by her.

“You can’t touch it. Tell me.” She said, moving away to grab aluminum paper from the sink.

“Is that for my hair?” I pointed at the pieces of the paper she was cutting.

“Makes the process faster.” She grabbed one piece of my hair and started dressing it with the paper. “We wait a few minutes and then Èlise comes to make your hair red.” I nod and let her continue. “So your question?”

“Oh, yes.” I clear my voice and look at the door to see where Èlise is. She is walking around my place watching my paintings, this is the first time she is here so I think she is using time to explore. “How do you know you can trust them? I mean, today this thing with Reid…”

“He’s just worried, Ress, we all are. I understand, though, I asked Èlise not to tell them, I mean, Reid and Moshe. Now the difference is that they just found out about you, which sucks, but I don’t think they will say anything.”

“But why? I’m… I’m really scared about them knowing because I haven't figured out yet if I trust them.”

“Well, now seems like the time, right.” She gave me a soft smile and continued with my hair.

I guess it is time to figure out if I can. I haven’t in a while so I feel too exposed and overwhelmed. When all my hair was covered in aluminum paper we went back to the room. Èlise had the idea to take a picture for the memory and I froze, feeling coming back to reality. Tina put her arm around me to hug me into the frame of the picture. I still smile.

The time we spent for the color to fade off my hair, Èlise was showing me around ideas for tattoos and a store where I can get piercings.

“A nose ring would look so good on you.” Èlise said, “Maybe you can do both, the side piercing and the septum.”

“Um, one for now is okay.” Mostly because I was terrified of the idea.

“Is a lip piercing something you would do?” Tina asked, scrolling on her phone.

“No.. I think my nose is fine.”

The timer went off, making us jump and then giggle. I washed my hair off with Èlise and Tina’s help and I went back to the same seat on my toilet while Tina and Èlise mixed the color red and a white cream in a new bowl.

“Are you ready to not recognize yourself?” Èlise smirked, walking closer.

I nod, I’ve been wanting to be a new person for a while so let it be. In fact I thought I became a new person the day I left my house, then when I went through all the ups and downs of traveling alone and then being with no money. I thought I was a new person when I rented my house. And I am, we just need to make it a noticeable thing now.

When it was time to wash my hair again, they didn’t let me look at the mirror. They wanted to be surprised. Elise took a hairdryer out of nowhere and started to move it around my hair, all while Tina was screaming what lipstick and eyeshadow color can I use now to match the color.

And by the time I look at the mirror my hair waves were more loose than before and the shining red color was making my brown skin glow. My cheekbones look different, and my eyebrows. A simple hair color makes me look around and see what parts of my face look different now, even if it was just an illusion.

I was ready to not be recognizable.

Chapter Text

Chapter 19. “Isolation.”

<3

In the middle of the small bathroom in the backrooms of the bar, I stand still staring at myself in the mirror and wondering if I look as different as I feel. I have had that question for a long time, since I dressed differently for the first time. Now with my hair red, the only shadow of my previous hair were my edges that Tina wanted to let them dark. Using my uniform for my job made me feel even more different, it's like I’m new.

I spent my Tuesday morning at my job interview and the afternoon crying. What a nice schedule. I've been consuming myself in my own head. Even overthinking my interactions with Èlise and Tina, no matter how nice they were to me. Reid was checking on me with texts that I didn't reply to except once to let him know I’m fine.

Coming to the bar on Wednesday I was nervous about Mery but quickly relaxed when she gave a simple smile and left for her office. Tina gave an assurance nod before both of us went to get ready. The easier days, Wednesday and Thursday, were quickly gone and to my relief in neither of both days Mery came to me to tell me nothing. She gave a compliment about my hair, though, just as Lisa.

Now, Friday night, I feel like I can’t stop thinking my world is about to end. I’ve even been picturing myself on piercings and the weird idea kept me staring for minutes and minutes, but even then I'm scared of not being enough. I didn’t even noticed it was time until Lisa knocked on the door, scaring the fuck ot of me.

Every Friday night was a mess, it didn't matter the time. As soon as the bar was open the customers were in, different from our previous two nights. When I finally make it back to the bar, where Tina and Lisa are struggling with orders, I take my small notebook and start doing my job.

Tonight a new band plays and then Lovers closes the night, so the place is crowded with different types of people. At this point it will be a lie to tell college students are not our main customers. Working on the drinks, I tried to keep myself put as best as possible. Since everything happened, I went back to being as reserved as I was, not talking to the girls during the shift. Now I’m uncomfortable, I don't have my mask on, or at least that one, so I feel like getting as isolated as I can to protect myself.

I think I should start saving for therapy.

In the meantime I set the goal of saving as many rent months as possible, just in case everything gets back and I get jobless. I’m also putting more money on my emergency savings, just in case I need to leave in a hurry. I’ve been thinking about running away again, now that I look different, maybe this news thing won't happen again and I don't need to feel this exposed. Maybe it would be safer for me to be a full secret again. It has been really hard to have the whole narrative being broken in front of my eyes and without me being able to stop it.

But now I'm more nervous about moving, too. I’m worried about my passports and I’m avoiding any encounter with an authority or anything alike. I’m stuck for a while and I feel so weird about it, my plans are crumbling in front of my eyes and I’m lost.

“Hey!” I hear someone scream. “Hurry up! C’mon!” I’ve been taking a long time just serving a simple coke and ron and the customer looks mad. I snap myself out of it and give them their order. I’ve been doing this a lot this week. I’m distracted, not on my mind and not paying attention to anything that’s happening. Too much in my head.

The new band is already on stage and I didn't even notice the announcement. The drum was the one making me jump to reality, followed by the crowd screaming.

I groaned and cursed, feeling useless. I don't even feel like I own my head, I never can choose over it. With the band playing, the public starts to leave the bar and I take my chance, needing some fresh air.

“I’m having my break!” I scream to Tina and Lisa, who nod at me keeping their attention to the new band performing.

With shaking hands, I make my way outside and the sudden noise transforming from party to just a quiet night with a small traffic was good for me. Exactly what I needed. I take a deep breath, putting my cigar out so I can light it up. It's not even cold, I’m just shaking because I’m not feeling calm. I’m not calm at all and now it is harder to keep it for me.

The smoke leaving my body does not take away the stress, but the dizzy feeling is enough to make me feel good. I walk in circles around the street, staring at my shoes while I just focus on smoking as fast as I can. Mostly because I would like two have a second one before I need to go back. Fuck, I havent even finished the first one, Im so wrong.

I found myself as lost as I was before, feeling like I made things good for myself and then everything was wrong again. I’m getting weaker, I can feel it…

“Hi.”

“Fuck!” I trip on my own feet. I didn’t realize he was walking to me, let alone that he came so close for me to talk. My walking in circles makes my dizziness worse. “Sorry, didn’t see you.”

“Yeah, you look a little distracted.” Reid smirks. “What’s with the circle walking while smoking? Is it better?” He puts a non light cigar on his mouth.

“No I was just…” I take a sip of my cigar. “thinking.”

He nods, fire on his lighter being protected by his hands while the cigar burns to live. “Nice hair.” he says, a cloud of smoke following.

“Thank you.” I just noticed he walked close to me even if this is the first time he saw me with red hair. “How did you know it was me if my hair…?”

“Èlise showed me the pictures.”

“Oh.” Well, of course she did. Since Tina has been so open about trusting them, I feel more bad for being so untrustful. But I can’t help it somehow.

“It looks really pretty, didn’t know that was what they were doing.” He giggled, tapping his cigar to make the ashes fall.

“They didn’t tell you?” I was surprised, I was hoping for Reid not to know about Tina to be able to trust Èlise. I’m horrible.

“Not a word.” he shook his head. “Nice surprise, the color looks pretty on you.”

I give him the smile back, feeling bad to see him always trying to cheer up because I’m always this down and worry.

I take a sip of smoke before speaking. “I never said thank you for… well, not only about being there with me but also calling them and trying to help. Thank you.”

“You are welcome, Ress.” He was keeping his distance or was I? I think it was me, all the time giving small steps back and forward.

“Also, sorry for being this… well, I’ve been a little weird so…”

“Wow, love, stop there.” So I did, almost ashamed to follow his demands as quickly. “A lot is going on, I would understand if you start running down the street screaming.”

I chuckle. “Don’t give me ideas.”

My cigar is done and I step on it to turn it off. I look up to his eyes, Reid looking as he always did. Kinda like he was a bad boy but he was really soft, at least to me, he looked mysterious as well but he was the one holding all our conversations. He wasn’t wearing a jacket today, a big jersey back cardigan and a underwhite shirt were his choice.

“Why are you stressed, love?” His body slowly moves closer, I noticed that mostly he's trying to make our contact a thing, trying to pass that wall I built and happy that he was able to see it.

I rolled my eyes. “Where do I start?”

“Well, you know…” He walked closer to me, “The positives can be hard to watch but I have a few in mind.”

“Yeah?” I arch my eyebrow. “Example?”

“This new look, you rock.” He grabbed a few strings of my hair, he meant it and that’s why it made me blush harder. Still, I continue to encourage him to share more. “Well, you got support, right?”

Support. Did I get support from all of this and all I can see is a nuisance? I’m a horrible person.

“Right.” I give him a smile. “I need to go back, good luck on stage later.”

“Wait.” He grabs my hand before I get to take a step away. His free hand travels up to one string of my hair again and then to my chin. He was about to kiss me, I knew it. And then… I fear the worst.

Was Red just nice to me because we were fucking? He was just keeping the secret for it too? As soon as we stop he will tell someone? I don’t even know how I felt at the moment, but the nausea was worse when I saw the look in his eyes the moment I pulled away, avoiding him to kiss me.

“I need to get back.” Is all I said, awkwardly stepping away from him.

Reid looks confused but also serious, just giving me a nod and small smile before I run inside as fast as I could. Now I know I ruined this too because my mind can’t find its inner peace.

By the time I was drying up glasses and Lovers was on stage, I felt bad when I noticed Reid didn’t stop to look at the bar once. I felt like a loser and someone that was just good at being alone. I was a contradiction and a concern, totally lost in how I treated every relationship I have, even if it is friendly. The thing about Reid is that he's unpredictable, not like any other lead band singer I ever hooked up with. Not the superiority complex, always talking about themselves and then never texting you back. It was easy if I'm honest. But I liked that Reid was not an asshole and I hate it at the same time because I don’t know if it is real.

Is he real? While I see him play on stage, singing with his deep voice and the curls of his hair always falling on his forehead. He doesn't look real, he didn’t seem real on Monday morning.

“Thank you everyone.” The claps slowly fade to silence. “This is a new song called Fever Dream. Soon on all streaming platforms.” Reid’s eyes found mine but looked away as soon as he noticed me. I was already looking his way.

The public giggles and then screams with excitement when Reid starts playing the notes on his guitar.

Now, he definitely avoids it looking my way. Especially during the bridge where he kept his eyes closed while singing.

“Every touch is tattooed,
Each laugh can be heard,
It was supposed to be the story of us,
Now the pages are not done.
Please never look back
Or I’ll run till I reach you,
When you choose the road
Without me,

Without me.

Without you
It was a fever dream.”

I felt like this was the moment when I completely rejected him. Even if in the back of my mind was the wish result, I hated the feeling. I hated that he didn't look my way while singing the song we wrote together, I hated that he looked away as soon as his eyes met mine and I hated that it was my fault.

Maybe it is for the best, I kept thinking. Some customers were back at the bar and I took all the orders I could, deciding to keep my mind busy with my job. Filling up the drinks I wish I was taking I only think that maybe is for the best. I need to be alone and figure out what to do. Reid was a great distraction but no one I need now, especially that for him was so casual now, just leaning forward for a kiss.

Maybe I was used to things being complicated. I cheer myself up just thinking that maybe keeping him as just a friend can be better for me. Or maybe not talking to any of them can be it. I keep drowning myself in crazy ideas to ease the feeling of fear and anxiety but it is not working.

Especially because, when the band was done and back on the dancefloor, I was quick to feel disappointment when Moshe and Èlise stopped by the bar and Reid didn't.

“Hi, babe.” Èlise smiles at me, she's a little breathless.

“Hi. Hi Moshe, great show.” I put away a few empty glasses.

“Thank you, Ress. Did you hear your song?” Moshe’s hair was up on a ponytail, his forehead and neck sweating.

“It's not my song.” I gave him a playful look.

Moshe ignored me. “That's some nice hair color you got there, babe.” He winks at me with a smirk. Èlise slaps him a little and I just giggle.

“Thank you, Èlise did it.” I take my small notebook out. “Three beers?”

“Just two, Reid is going around with some vodka.” Moshe said and I nod, writing the order and excusing myself while walking to the fridge.

I would lie if I say that I was not looking around the place to find him in the crowd. I was not successful, just almost tripping myself. I put the two beers on the bar in front of them, opening them with a quick hand move and handing it to them.

“Thank you, chérie.” Èlise says while Moshe hands the money. “By the way, I don’t know if Tina told you but we are having a party tomorrow for have one of our songs get to two thousands streams.”

“Oh, you guys, congrats!” I didn’t even know they were on platforms. Maybe it was obvious.

“Thanks!” She looks excited and I’m happy for them, they seem to work a lot to keep the band alive.

“We are just going to play some songs for friends and chill, are you stopping by?” Moshe asked before taking a sip of his drink.

“If Tina is going I’ll be there.”

“I’ll make sure to tell her you said that.” Èlise gives me a funny look with narrowed eyes.

“See you, Ress. Imma start calling you Red at some point.” Moshe pointed his beer at me, walking backwards.

“Please don't” I try to say, choking with laughter.

I watched them walk away from the bar, mixing with the crow and walking around the people until they reached their spot. Spot where Reid was making up with a girl, a slow and sensual kiss. He looked good kissing, maybe as good as it felt. And then I felt my face burn and my stomach hurt, I’ve never felt a little mad or uncomfortable watching someone I hook up doing it with someone else.

He was real, at the end of the day. I’ve seen more than one lead singer do this. Good to know he's real.

Forcing myself to get back to work, I was trying to cheat my brain to think this was for the best. I need to have a bigger wall now that half of things are out, I need to be sure who I’m trusting. Maybe it is for the best to leave aside this weird thing we had between us.

I even start finishing the orders on the computer, trying my best to not have a break moment inside the bar where my eyes can start wondering again. Lisa is the one coming to me, holding an empty tray against her wait.

“Damn, girl, are you about to ask for a raise?” She jokes, walking around me to start making drinks.

“I’m just feeling too energetic to stay still.” I lie.

And the way she tries to hide her laugh makes me think she knows too. “You are weird, are you okay?” she says, focusing on her drinks.

“I am.” Now I don’t know if Lisa knows or if someone told her. I was praying for her not to have questions about it. “Where’s your band singer?” Correction, I was praying for her to not have questions in general.

“He 's not mine.” Is all I say, focusing back on numbers.

“He sounds like yours in Tina’s stories.” She grabs a bottle and starts pouring in all the glasses.

“Well, there are stories.” I need this conversation to end. I'm still stopping myself from looking back at where Reid was hooking up with someone.

“Okay…” She grabs her tray. “Rude.” Is the last thing I heard her mumble when she leaves.

Maybe I had been. Maybe I am, for some reason my brain is making me do this weird thing for survival and soon I’m going to start acting like this with Tina. What is that about stories, c’mon.

But I don’t, I keep my mouth shut. That is my real defense mechanism. Not saying what I’m thinking because what I’m thinking is bad. I stare into the computer once I finished all the pendings, feeling bad because the shift is not over yet.

“Hi.” I looked up and almost fell back on the tall chair.

“Hi.” I weirdly smile at Reid.

He looks distant, the flirty eyes and cheesy smirk disappearing from his face. He looks cold and as mysterious as he is.

“Can I have an extra glass of ice, please.” It’s simple and cold.

“Sure.” I disappeared from his eyes quickly.

I’m annoyed and mad, I’m worried about me and now I also have to worry about every relationship I have and how I handle it. I see myself being alone soon and finding the perfect excuse to run away.

I fill the glass with ice and come back, leaving it in the bar and not waiting for a thank you, quickly moving back to take the order of the next client next to him. Reid stares at the glass for a few seconds to then walk back to his spot. I don’t wanna look at him and for him to notice that it bothered me. While I take the client's order, I see Reid handing the glass to the girl, the pretty girl with long lashes and boots. She doesn't look like she is going to become crazy and suddenly treats you like shit, like I have done twice.

Maybe this is a good thing. This is the best thing to do. When the client has his drink and walks away, I notice Reid’s eyes on me and I don’t look away, instead giving him a small smile to be decent. He, instead, looks hurt and doesn't even respond to them the same way. He turns his head to talk with his partner again.

I need to go back to be focused on just me and if pulling this distance will do it, then great. I need to not trust them and run away again, is the only solution that doesn't give me anxiety and takes my sleep away.

Chapter Text

Chapter 20 “New perspective.”

Reid.

<3

I was born believing I did something wrong by doing so. Spent years trying to learn what I did that people seem to dislike me so much. It took awhile for me to find someone that was not annoyed by every small move that I made and Moshe became the only source I trusted when my anxiety was about. The truth is half of the time is my mind doing dirty work because I’m used to being disliked. It took a long time for this feeling to disappear after so many years.

I was good at making people like me for my writing, especially girls. However, in college there were more poets like me and I was suddenly not as impressive. And then I became a band singer, finding out that I'm a good singer in a total accident and then the attention it came with became an obsession. It is like holding a paper that says you are hot, inevitably you have attention. Adding the guitar just made it stronger.

Never realized I wanted to be liked as much as I found out doing it. I guess everyone does. And I won’t lie and say I don’t enjoy every second of it. Every time I realize all eyes are on me and not in a bad way, it is like a rush of pleasure. My anxiety can quickly translate to me doing stupid things just to prove my thoughts when it comes to people. It ends badly eventually. It did with Ress. Maybe I just liked her or I was too worried about someone that lowkey reminded me of me. Since I met her I knew she was completely lost and as a still healing survivor I just wanted to help for an unknown reason. Didn’t realize my intentions could be misread with her, though. It is not like I don’t like her but I’m not doing it just because I like her. I guess pity can be a feeling too, but I will never tell her.

When I texted Tina for the address I didn’t think she would give it to me, I knew where her building was, just not which door to knock. But Tina was actually quick to do it, not even a question on why I wanted it, guess Èlise helped with that one. I was sure I did a great job doing what I can, just being for her, comforting her and letting her know I can help. I don't know what or how but I can. I was doing my best to not scare her away, especially because she looked like she was about to, all the time. I wanted it to be comforting, that's all.

Even trying to like her is hard. The flirty stage was easy, it is usually the easiest part, and it was fun when we were just having a good time. Now that her secret is out, everything is tense. I’m walking on eggshells because I realized how tense she is, just like me when we feel exposed. I know she's uncomfortable with that secret not being only hers anymore. I constantly feel her rejection when she's pressed or tense. It seems to be the only way for her to defend herself. Like a wall she puts up when she needs to be on her own.

I remember looking at her the first time and knowing she was a secret. I didn't know how much, though. And somehow I tried to fight it back by being open but it didn’t work because tonight she pulled away when I tried to kiss her. The fact that I know is a way for her to protect herself does not mean it does not hurt me. It actually annoys me, not only is the dislike a trigger but also confusing. I never know when she is not all close up in her mind.

And the kiss was an impulse, maybe I thought we were comfortable that way. We aren’t as it seems.

And I realized that I was jumping on my last habit of hating to be disliked. It is a traumatic effect. Her rejection was a reality check, though, bringing me back to realize not everyone has my perception. But then, I quickly needed to jump to someone that did. One of the things that I hated about myself the most is that I quickly needed to feel like after being rejected and it was hard to look for. And one of the things that I hated the most about Ress automatic dislike is that I never know the reasons. Always thinking about what move I did that was enough for her to walk away. I thought we were doing fine, especially after that morning at her house.

And Ress denying to have even one short conversation was the fall out of the night. Still, I went home with Pearl, who was really sweet and we happen to share some classes together so it was a nice distraction after all. She likes me but she doesn’t like me that much, she's constantly complaining about the things I talk about. She’s one of the people I hang out with I'm mostly quiet around.

I felt bad to even make her waste her time on me, but she didn’t complain the whole night. Not like I was being dislikeable but definitely not my true self, I usually try to be as nice and welcoming as possible with people I’m hooking up with. I was mostly quiet and pensive, taking the role of sad artist too long. Èlise will laugh at me.

Moshe saw me say goodbye to Pearl and make my usual walk of shame to the kitchen to drink something. I pour myself a glass of water and try to put my thoughts together. I'm an attention seeker who hates rejection because of anxiety, a great combo. It has been years of me thinking that I hate the person that I've become or that I am.

Holding his phone, Moshe follows me into the kitchen. “Have you seen on how many playlists we are now? it's amazing.”

I nod, actually not knowing. “Is amazing.” I try to follow his smile.

I always feel bad for not feeling as excited for the band as Moshe and Èlise, is not like I don’t care, I put a lot of work on it, but the excitement that they share is something I wish I could experience. Sometimes it feels like I do it because I’m good at it, not because I understand. I mostly don’t understand the constant plans Èlise and Jeni are making, I just follow them and write the songs. And mostly I feel weird now that so many people are actually reading what I write. Used to be someone to wish for, now I’m scared of.

“You invited Pearl for tomorrow?” Moshe asked, a teasing tone in his voice.

“She saw our post on Instagram.” I shrugged, put my glass away, swallowing the last sip of water.

“I’ve always thought you two would date.” Moshe casually adds, walking around focused on his phone.

I frown. “Pearl? I don't think she likes me that much.” I chuckled, putting the glass away.

Moshe rolls his eyes, sitting on one of the table chairs. “Please, she answers every time you call and you never do it constantly.”

I shrug. “I guess I don’t like her that way, then.” I brushed it off, sure she was maybe the one not really into me.

Moshe stays quiet, only nodding and going back to his phone. “Do you have Ress’s instagram? Can’t find her anywhere.”

“I don’t think she has one.” Especially because I have done my one research on trying to find any profile with her name and nothing. I did it even when I learned her real name and still no results. I thought she had followed the band’s profile on Jeni’s request, but looking around the followers I just couldn’t find her.

“Wouldn't she look like a more normal person if she did?” He asks as if it was obvious.

“You should tell her that.” I start walking outside the kitchen. “I’m going to finish the song.”

“Yeah good luck on that one.”

My room is a mess after spending the night with Pearl, the dirty sheets are still on the bed and my last night's clothes are still around the room. I shake my head, grabbing the sheets and walking to the washer as fast as possible to avoid Moshe jokes. Was pointless, he teased me until I closed my door again.

Making my way to my desk, I open the notebook exactly where I last closed it, a pencil in between to mark the pages. I read the only words I have written so far.

The first words I’ve eve learned how to say,
I can say no more.
Stuck in my throat, they choke me until I’m done.
How is it that I feel like throwing up?

At this point, I don’t even know what I’m writing about. This song doesn’t have an exact deadline, gladly, cuz I’m stuck on it. I’ve always written about love stories because it is simple, I’ve taken the simpler experiences just to make songs because it is easier than when I’m trying to write about anything else. Also, surprisingly, I found myself in more romantic contexts than I thought. Maybe because I’m a romantic myself, I don’t know, Elise is the one that thinks that.

Not doing a good job. Can’t seem to find more words, my brain always taking me back to the thoughts I'm trying to brush away. I just stare at the pages until I get tired. I went to bed frustrated just to wake up a few hours later to do the same. Stare at the pages until it was time to rehearse.

I opened my mouth only to sing, not adding myself in any conversation. Èlise bumped into me in one moment, her bass making a loud noise that made me jump.

“How’s the new song going?” She moves her eyelashes while looking at me. She was smiling as friendly and radiant as always.

I sigh, shaking my head. “Bad… I don’t know when I’m gonna finish it.”

Èlise frowned and looked at Moshe, sitting on his drums, who simply shrugged. She took her bass off, walking around the living room and looking at me with narrow eyes.

“Are you okay?” Èlise asked before putting her hands on her hips. “You’ve been weird since last night. Besides…” She adds when I open my mouth to answer. “You never say a song is going bad, you always use the first draft excuse.”

I blush, leaving my guitar aside. “Is not an excuse… is part of the process.” I mumble under my breath.

Èlise walks to Moshe, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Is he okay?” She asked him, both looking at me directly.

I looked between them in surprise and made a fake laugh. “Of course I am.”

“He’s been like this since Thursday night.” Moshe adds and I give him a deathly look, he rolls his eyes at me. “Is easy to tell, sorry.” He makes a quick note on his drums, adding to his joke.

“I’m fine.” I roll my eyes, walking to the sofa to let myself fall in it.

“Let’s guess!” Èlise exclaims, clappling. She clamps on Moshe's shoulders too, before running to sit next to me.

“Done.” Moshe chuckles, “I bet it's because Pearl told him she loves him and he's scared now.” he gives me a smirk, definitely just messing with me.

“Romeo here?” Èlise asks, giggling at the idea of it. “Please.”

I look at her with my arms crossed, mouth opened in disbelief. “What do you mean by that?”

Èlise takes her hand up and strokes my hair. “Please, you are the worst fuckboy I’ve seen. You fall too quickly.” She shrugs with a pout.

“I don’t!” I say mostly too quickly, frowning at her words.

“Remember last year when…” Moshe started and I put my hand up to interrupt him.

“Don’t. That was not falling quickly, we were kinda serious.” I shrugged, relaxing into my seat again. I was tired of the conversation, whatever was bothering me was not today the time to tell.

“You two dated for two months.” Moshe adds with narrow eyes. He’s just messing with me, I can see it in his eyes and just not in the mood so I flick him off.

“And we were for real. She was just an asshole.” I roll my eyes, taking a few steps to Èlise and stealing the joint from her hands.

“An asshole because she didn’t fall in love in two months?” Èlise was the one now accusing me.

“Okay, if you two are trying to check on me you are failing. Making me feel worse here.” I joke, standing up. “I’m fine.” I start making my way to my room.

“No! Wait.” Èlise runs behind me, grabbing my elbow and stopping me. “For real, Reid, we are just worried.”

“Yeah, I also think it's great you can love so much. I wish I could.” Moshe gives me a smile in an honest way to try to cheer me up now.

“There’s nothing to explain. I was joking too” I gave Èlise's hand a squeeze, trying to convince her to leave it.

“C’mon.” Èlise whines, her head falling to my shoulder when she hugs me. “What is going through that head? Maybe you can finish the song if you open up.” She encouraged me.

Since I met Èlise I knew she was a happy person. Looking positive at things all the time and being so good at communication. She loves to communicate. It was hard for me, writing for a long time was the only way I got to express strong feelings. She was a talker, always bringing things up, solving the issues at the immediate moment. She looks like she had a good house environment and we were soon proven right. She is happy and I’m happy she is.

“Nothing.” I break the hug. “I’m gonna shower, you both better get ready.” I’m good at avoiding the mindread game she likes to play. I’m not in the mood now, maybe later if I’m drunk enough. I make a quick way to my room.

I take a shower hoping to wash away any nostalgic thoughts.

The truth is everything started on Thursday night, when Jeni sent us the news. My worst nightmare came true. The most personal song I ever wrote became the most stream one, the first one of us to have a music video. I never showed it to the band when I first wrote it but Moshe was faster than me and would scroll through all my notebook when I handed it to show just one page. I never stopped him, he and Elise never put a lot of thoughts into the lyrics. However, he read this one and liked it so asked me why I haven't shown it yet.

“Is just the first draft.” I mumble, taking the notebook out of his hands.

Moshe smirked. “Showed it to Èlise. It's good, guess what? Already have a beat for it.`` He makes a quick applause before stepping out of his seat and walking to his drums.

“I don’t know… I’m not convinced of the lyrics.” I lied, moving uncomfortably on my seat.

Moshe just rolled his eyes, this is being an usual response of mine so he was over it. It was my way out this time because he didn’t mention it before. No… just took my notebook and showed it to Èlise himself. After that it was game over for me.

I have been keeping personal songs in a spare notebook now. This is not happening again. Art has always felt too exposing, especially writing. But I always tried my best to be as ambiguous as possible. This is the most direct one and tonight everyone is gonna witness it. It is not like they can suddenly read my mind and know what I meant behind every word, but it feels like it somehow.

Now I kinda understand how Ress must have felt. Ress. I’m not sure she’s coming tonight. Èlise said that she said yes and also accepted to go if Tina was going and Tina definitely was showing up tonight. But Ress isn’t. It’s Saturday, she is not missing her job, especially now she only has one.

We told Mery about us not playing tonight and she said it was fine because another band was playing. We lost tonight’s check, though.

Moshe and Èlise are extremely happy about our song winning so many streams and this band is the biggest project we all have. They really have hope on it and me too, I just need to be more careful. I control the narrative at the end of the day.

Heading to the party, Moshe and Èlise start talking about Jeni’s new idea for a video of us for social media. I don’t say anything, walking in silence while smoking. I never participate in the visual ideas or the social media ones, which is not my biggest strength. Èlise and Jeni are the brains on it all. Moshe and I made the music exclusively, Èlise is the one with lots of talents.

We are having the party at Jeni’s because her place is the biggest. She and Rich share rooms with Lèa, a girl that goes to all of Jeni's same communications and film classes. She helps sometimes with content as well. Their place not only has four rooms, also an office and the biggest balcony I’ve seen in the city. Jeni’s parents are rich, they got the apartment for her birthday, a month before she had to go for college. She only rented the rooms because she said it was too big and felt lonely.

It is a long walk from our place so we decided to take the mètro. Holding myself with one hand to avoid falling when the doors closed, I mumbled. “Maybe we shouldn’t play tonight.”

Èlise and Moshe looked up at me, stopping the conversation they were having.

“Why?” Èlise asked, her head moving to the side to analyze my face. She was doing her eye scamming thing again.

“I mean, it’s a celebration, right?” I shrug, keeping my voice cool. “Let’s just celebrate and get wasted.”

“But…”

“I kinda agree.” Moshe interrupts Èlise, who immediately gives him a deadly stare. “Sorry, chérie, I have a headache. The echo is gonna suck with so much people, let’s just have fun, right?”

This is one of the moments in my life when I want to kiss Moshe. He doesn’t eye scam me but always listens. He didn’t have a clue, he would have brought it up by now, but he knows I don’t want to play the song. I never suggested it for the bar or the rehearsal. We practice recording it and then I avoid it. Having to listen to it and watch the new video is the most I can handle tonight.

“But we told everyone…” Èlise started, a pout on her lips.

“Hey, we are releasing a new video, why don’t we focus our attention on it? You guys worked so hard for it.” I was honest, Èlise and Jeni were passionate about it and also perfectionists. They have been going on for days after filming to get the video as best edited as possible, all by themselves. They deserve the credit.

“Right, chérie.” Moshe moved his hand to Èlise's shoulder, giving her a squeeze. “You deserve all the cheers tonight, they are already going to hear us when the song plays.”

Èlise stares at me again. Her eyes are pretty and big and sometimes feel like daggers. Not because they are mean or intimidating. They were consistent, strong and felt like a computer scanner moving all around my face. I give her a smile before looking away. She is a stare I can’t hold.

“Fine.” she finally let it be.

When we walked to the door of the apartment, the loud noise of voices and music was coming through it already. I didn't expect for a lot of people to be here but found to be mistaken the second the door is open. Jeni is wearing a congrats hat and holding a cup.

“The band is here!” She screams, getting the door wide open and letting us in. “Everyone, the band ''Lovers ``!” She exclaims again, closing the door behind her.

Strangers and known faces clap while we make the way in. I give small smiles and nods in agreement, stopping to say hi to the people around the party I do know, hoping for the rest of them to be friends of friends before I feel in a fan party that I didn't even know we were having.

I quickly move my eyes around the room to find our friends, a known face. Rich is faster because I fell his arm on my shoulder as soon as I was being screamed at.

“You motherfucking stars!” He holds up his cup I suspect with alcohol and we walk together to the couch in the living room where the video will be played. “I always believed you guys will make it, you know.” He cheers, sitting clumsy beside me.

“Yeah, sure you did.” I roll my eyes. Elise, the more social of all of us, was with Jeni going around talking with people. I don’t see Tina anywhere, I guess she hasn't arrived. Moshe tried to follow up with them but as soon as my eye met his, he walked to the couch.

“God, I’m bad at this.” He groans, sitting beside me. “Are you already wasted?” He asks Rich, who is taking a long sip of his cup.

“Please.” He just says with a playful smile. “All these people just started to arrive early, each with a different bottle. I was just being a good host.”

“Sure you are.” Moshe said and our eyes met before we burst out laughing. Rich has always been the friend that we laugh with and about. He is fun and also careless.

Moshe takes out of his pocket his metal box. I cheer, leaning forward to help him. “Please, if I’m going to be forced to talk with so many people I need a distraction.” Opening the metal box, the small ziploc bag with the weed for the night, a few papers and cartoon filters. I grab the filter, immediately working on one.

“Quoi?!” I heard the loud scream and I didn't even need to lift my head up before Jeni was standing right in front of us. “You guys ain’t playing? You said you will!” She was ready to give us a big one for this.

“Is gonna sound like shit, Jen.” I answer, keeping my attention on the filter and moving to grab one of the papers to roll. “Besides, Moshe has a headache.”

His words, not mine.

“True.” He immediately backs me up. “Let’s just have fun, c’mon!” He says, opening the ziploc and starting to help me, dropping off weed on the paper I was holding ready to roll.

“How? How can you stand them?” She asks Èlise before immediately leaving, maybe fixing the schedule she had for tonight now that we told her this news. Èlise followed behind her, Rich making his clumsy walk to them too.

Jeni actually loves us, she's just a control freak. The reason why she is the best for our marketing. She's probably pissed because she was going to use the presentation for something. I honestly don't care, I'm more relieved of not being exposed to being filmed today when I probably have written all over my face how embarrassed and exposed I feel. Gladly, our music is not playing yet, people are getting in the party mood and I lowkey hope for it to stay that way.

Finishing licking the paper, I roll the joint and close it before Moshe quickly hands me a lighter.

“Was this planned to be a private concert or something? He asks, rolling my eyes. Mostly because he's probably, out of all of us, who less people know around here. I’m sure the strangers' faces are more remarkable to him, such a private person as Moshe.

“Now, what’s going on?” He asks, moving around until his body is facing mine. I left out the smoke and gave him the lighted joint.

“Uh?”

“You.” He takes a long draft of smoke. “What is going on with you?”

Moshe is my best friend, and is maybe the only person in the room able to identify what I am talking about in every verse of the song. He did since day one, maybe that's why he liked it.

I shrugged. “Should ask you, you have a headache.” I was not feeling like talking about it today, maybe tomorrow.

“Been sleeping like shit.” Moshe mumbles and smokes again. “I’m just thinking about a lot of stuff, as usual. You don’t, you look… Well, you were the chill one in our relationship.”

“I’m not chill anymore?” I joke, grabbing the joint from him and putting it in my mouth. “I’m chill.” I smirk.

“You know what I mean” He pushed his hair away from his forehead, “you usually look mysterious and melancholic but you looked tortured today.”

Well, fuck me alive with a hammer, I was hoping for my emotions to be hidden. Maybe Moshe just knows me too much.

“I’m fine.” I simply say, smoking to avoid speaking more.

Moshe nods but the frown on his face stays, he looks unconvinced. “Is it because of Ress?

“What?” I quickly ask, almost choking with smoke. “Ress? What about her?”

“Are you like this because of what happened with her yesterday?”

“Please, I’ve been rejected so many times is nothing new.” I was actually completely brushing off the conversation. I was bothered about Ress' sudden distance, as she usually does when she seems to be in a stressful situation. However, it was not that. It did bother me and maybe it will take a while for her to even want to look back at me. That was not it, thought.

In the meantime, I was more worried about what was indeed about to happen. My song will play. I was hoping for the video to be so good people will forget to use their ears.

“Well, good to know because we invited her.” Moshe moves forward to grab one of the unopened cans of beer on the coffee table.

“Shes probably not coming.” I take a slow sip of smoke. “Its Saturday.”

Moshe nods, drinking his beer. “Well, what is happening then?”

I smile, taking a final sip of weed before handing it back to him. “Is nothing, maybe I have a headache just like you.” I joke.

“Fuck off.” Moshe rolls his eyes and I laugh while standing up.

“Want something?”

He shows me his beer, meaning his fine by now. I make my way to the kitchen just to avoid the conversation. I can talk about it with him later, not in a room full of, what Jeni has been calling them, fans of the band. It was too loud too, anyone could overhear and that could be my last straw.

I mostly look for a distraction but in the kitchen I make myself a drink with some coke and ron and I’m quickly bored later. I’m quickly bored in general, about tonight, about the song, I want the night to end as fast as possible. Walking back, Moshe has abandoned his seat and is now talking with a girl I don’t know, Rich being the one introducing them.

I’ll be his next victim. I can feel it. I quickly finish my drink, feeling the burn on my throat before another scream is giving me the chills.

“You are here!” Elise screams from somewhere.

I move around on my seat, to look at the door. I’m just curious but mostly want to be wrong. I would like to see her walk past the door, it will be a great distraction. However, when Elise opens the door and jumps to hug Tina, I don’t see anyone else behind her.

She came alone. I knew it, Ress is usually not available on Saturday nights.

“Alors, les gars, is time for the premiere!” Èlise screams, running to the center of the living room, holding Tina's hand.

Moshe appears back next to me, the now smaller joint being handed back to me. I grab it, needing the smoke on my system quick and the clock to run as fast as possible.

The lights go off and the big TV starts shining a white bright light. The smoke swims along in the room while the video starts, more than one person with cigarettes or joints lit around. My stomach hurts in attending to be as discreet as possible of how bad of a time i'm having. I’m back at faking, my feelings are mostly on my face as clear as possible.

The first notes of the song start playing and take an anxiously long sip of smoke. I try to focus on the video, wanting to appreciate the hard work Jeni and Èlise did. We filmed together only one day and I have no idea of how the final result was. The other shots were a project Jeni and Èlise wanted to do on their own and Moshe and I are clueless enough about the subject to not get in the middle.

There's mirrors and eyes around the whole video. I see a pair of eyes, not knowing of whom until I realized is Tina for how excited Èlise was signaling at the TV. Then, the shots of us. We filmed in an empty parking lot, Rich running around all the time holding a mirror to get the shots I'm seeing now. It is good. We are not playing on the video all the time, Èlise said something about “giving us storyline”. The video is edited so well too, all the video with red, black and purple colors that were just bright enough to keep the video in a dark mood. I loved it but I was also having a hard time watching.

The lyrics are chasing me, I look around the room to see who may be listening too closely to the song. Everyone seems to be focused on the images but I feel Tina’s eyes on me and I freeze. Then is not only her but Èlise, followed by Jeni and Rich. Slowly, I feel how the walls of the room start to close and every single head in the room turns around to look at me. I can feel his eyes burning on my skin. The eyes in the video became unbearable to see and I feel like every mirror is about to break.

“Hey”

“Fuck!” I jump, pushing away the hand that suddenly appears on my shoulder.

“Damn, I was just going to ask you to share it.” Moshe says, holding both of his hands up and baking up as much as he can. I glazed at the joint of my head and the people around me, all of them focused on the video still playing. I sigh, moving my hand to give him the joint and I stand up.

“Where are you going?” He asks, arching one eyebrow. “Is not over yet.”

“Bathroom. I’ll be quick.”

But I won’t. Actually, as soon as I close the door behind me I find myself wanting to stay there. At least until the video is over and people stop talking about the song and I can just get wasted and party with my friends, as it was supposed to be. I couldn’t handle even one more second of it listening to it. Hurts too much. I need to make sure the focus of the cheers and the claps are not on me at the moment or everyone in the room will see me get sick. I’m close to.

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 21: “Can’t hurt.”

<3

Reid

When I first wrote my feelings down, I remember the big wave of relief that covered my body and head. It was a feeling that I quickly got addicted to and writing became my only way of communication for a while, until I had to learn how to speak too. And how overwhelming it was when my words also were my own dagger.

I quickly felt the deja vu of watching Ress running to the bathroom. I understand now, sitting on the toilet staring at my hands as if they are not real, why I would immediately run to check on her. In this position, your head goes to so many dark places and there’s no way to stop it. You can manage your breathing as much as you can but there's nothing that can turn off your imagination. Is our own personal sell. my writing was a way to free me, now is a way to put me in the spotlight as well. And I don’t know how to feel about it.

The hardest thing was that I could hear the echoes of the sounds coming through the door. Thankfully I came and hid because I totally feel myself remembering why I wrote every piece of that song.

I don’t know what I can do to make it right.
I sit around the rooms to watch you move around
and figure out how you would like to be loved.

There’s not sign of love on your eyes,
the lullaby has ended now,
and all I can hear is how much you regret
that I do see you with sore eyes.

Breaking my heart once again
as I step on the game
on hoping to ever feel your hug today.
Searching your eyes around the room
for a sign that we are okay.
But you don’t look my way.
You never look my way.

Can I ask how I am failing?
I didn’t make the rules nor have they written down.
Write them done for me,
I will try my best.
I will make myself smaller,
and invisible enough.
Just for you to look at my way.

How is it that your heart doesn’t ache?
Mine loses a bet for every scream to ignore.
The last time I saw your eyes
looking at me with something than more than hate
will forever haunt me as I’m…

Breaking my heart was again
as I step on the game
on watching you run to me today?
Searching your eyes around the room
for a sign that we are okay.
But you don’t look my way.
You never look my way.

Are your eyes a price to win?
Doesn’t matter how much I cry.
You never come my way to heal me up.
What did I do to you that can't stand to look my way?
Only seven and one toy.
I will play alone once more.

Is this how it is supposed to be?
Alone as my drawing are the only place
where your lips are from in a happy way.

Should I stop trying to give them to you?

Breaking my heart once again
as I step on the game,
Will I win to feel your arms on me?
Searching your eyes around the room
for a sign that we are okay.
But you don’t look my way.
You never look my way.

Should I stop?
You did it anyway.

As the song fades and the noise starts becoming the claps and cheers, I walk myself out of my head. I can visibly see every part of me that took me to those feelings. I’ve never been open about my things with no one but Moshe, only because he’s the only person I can trust. Elise asks questions and I answer, the subject has never come but I bet that after today I’ll be facing questions. I can answer, I just hate the conversation so I like to avoid it as much as possible.

I always thought that if I tried to open up that way with Ress, she would feel comfortable telling me things. However, it is not like I have my sad past on my forehead. She doesn't either but running away from home seems like not a good lead. My life is more like a creative theory. I can easily argue people into another one. It is one of the safest things about writing. The sad part is trying to pretend it is not something that hurted you.

Washing my face and drying my face, I take a last long deep breath before opening the door and stepping out. I’m immediately met with people congratulating me, as if they knew I was in the bathroom. I make my way through the hall, nodding and thanking everyone, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment. Maybe I’m not as good of a band member as Moshe thinks. I kind of find all of this really suffocating and is not even, like, a multiple of people. Just a few friends and strangers.

When I made it to the sofa, Jeni was taking pictures of Elise and Moshe. When she saw me, my hand was quickly grabbed and I was in the pictures too. Elise looked happy, giggling and moving around for the pictures. Moshe was just standing there, he was weird with the pictures so she was trying to help him out. I tried my best, just looking as if I didn't just have a breakdown in the bathroom. I kept my straight face. Elise once mentioned it works when you don’t feel like smiling.

“Can we stop now?” Moshe mumbles to Elise, who was holding his arm.

Rolling her eyes, she moves away next to Jeni. “Fine, we have enough anyways.” They both start to scroll through the camera roll looking at the pictures.

“Where were you? You missed the video.” Moshe says, moving close to me. I appreciate the noise and his discrete tone, so no one hears.

“Not feeling good, can we talk about this later?” The middle of a party is not the best place to have a deep conversation, that was a mistake I made a lot in the past. Ended up crying in a lot of random places.

He just nods at me with a small smirk. “Sure. I think they are playing a drinking game in the kitchen, want to join?”

Chuckling, I follow him to the kitchen. Moshe knows sometimes I need to just not think about it, a more happy perspective of reality and he provides it. We play the cards drinking game, when if you have a card with a lower number you drink. It’s my favorite way to get drunk, it’s quick and fun to hear everyone play along. I even talked with Pearl for a while, she had a lot of opinions about the video but none about the song, just what I wanted to hear. Moshe keeps his eyes on me, I can feel his instinct of taking an eye on me turned on. It makes me feel protected, I hope he knows I feel the same. I worry about him, those headaches have become a usual thing.

Already feeling no sober, I convinced him to make our way to the balcony for a smoke. More like I just mentioned I wanted a smoke and he started to walk outside. The cold air made me realize how weak my legs felt, a normal thing alcohol does to me. Moshe hands me a cigarette as he quickly lights on his. I take my turn on the lighter and breathe the smoke to the cold night, thinking on how much things have changed.

“Have I ever told you I really worry about you?” Moshe said, cigarette hanging from his mouth. He looked serious, his face expression for hard conversation.

“I definitely can notice sometimes.” I breathe out a cloud of smoke. “I actually think it’s nice, thank you. I worry about you, too, how’s your head?” I looked at him with a smile, his eyebrows were not as frowning as before.

Looking down, he shakes his head and takes a sip of smoke. “No, I mean, you really worry me.”

Fading my smile away, I narrow my eyes, confused. I just continue smoking not knowing what to say. Then I sigh, “Is it because I didn't want to play tonight?”

He shakes his head again, “No, I didn't want to play tonight, either.” He leans into the railing, supporting his arms as takes another sip of smoke. “You know back when we were in school… I used to think,” he looks at me, wide eyes trying to reflect on mine. “He’s going to do it, you know, one day when no one realizes, he will be gone.”

“You mean running away?” I arch my eyebrow.

“I wish.” His eyes stay on mine and I stare into his eyes for a few seconds until I understand his worry.

I hide my wince and speak as seriously as I can, taking one step closer to him. “I’m not… like that anymore.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “For real, I will tell you if I was, you don’t need to be worried.”

He takes a puff, looking away for me. “Why do you look so miserable today then? Is it because of the song?”

I move my hand, shifting to support my lower back on the railing and stretch my legs a little. For a few minutes we just smoke in silence, I stare into the sky and realize that it is not going to rain tonight. I also realize that my breathing has become normal now, feeling the most chill I've felt in the whole day.

“You know that for everyone it was like a heartbreak song right?” Moshe softly ads.

“Well, it was heartbreaking.” I mumble, keeping my eyes to the ground now.

“You know what I mean, it is not like everyone can read so easily into you.”

I look at him while exhaling smoke. “Can you?”

Moshe laughs, standing straight and resting his hip on the railing. “C’mon, I could see through every word of that song. Since day one.”

Confused, I rambled, “Then why would you show it to Elise if…?”

“Because it's a good song, Reid. It's good.” He takes the last smoke of his cigar. “And yes is sad and is fucked but not everyone will know what you mean. Using something like this to fight the memories is the best thing you can do, I know you get it.” Throwing the but of his smoke, Moshe puts his hand around my head and brings me forward to kiss my forehead and then step back into the party.

Overthinking, I found myself to like the silence of the balcony but still go inside as soon as I finish my own smoke. I try to take advantage of the party, talking to as many guests as possible and following Jeni’s indications for pictures for the account of the band. I try to keep my poker face, taking Moshe words as comforting to hear. Maybe it was true, no one was mentioning the song at the end of the day. Just compliments about the video.

Yes, for lots it is good and such a good song that will be added to their playlist, but nothing deeper. I set up my brain on fun mode and focused myself on celebrating what this was. A success for us at the end of the day. Not trying to let my pessimist side win. I had as many small talks as I could, accepted every drink and smoke that was handed to me and even joined another drinking game that a group of people were still having in the kitchen.

The night passed by fast as I got drunker and drunker and managed to smoke as least as I could so I wouldn’t end up puking soon. I was putting aside all the thoughts in my head with escapism, the only thing I’m good doing.

The place was getting emptier and emptier as the time went by. Pearl and I even talked about leaving together but I ended up choosing to stay. I was definitely not in the mood. Past three in the morning, I was having another cigarette on the balcony, looking down on the lonely street and thinking, for some reason, that Tina is here so Ress will have to walk home alone tonight. Worried, just hoped she got home safe. It was not a long walk but she was alone on the streets at night. Exhaling a cloud of smoke I watched it fade into the cold air and staring ahead I think I’m too drunk now because I blink several times just to make sure what I’m seeing is not in my head.

Closing my eyes strongly, I shake my head with a snicker, knowing I must be crazy. It is just that, too many drinks on one hard night. But when I open my eyes it is clear again.

Ress is walking down the lonely street. She holds onto her purse for dear life and is constantly checking on her sides and behind her. I can’t see her face clear, the light low and how high the balcony is, making it hard. I can see her new bright red hair shining and she’s wearing a way too simple dress for the weather. I can see her shiver a little.

When I see her get into the building I continue smoking trying to convince myself that it was not real. I was just thinking too much about her walking home. She’s home, she won’t be here tonight. Besides, she seems to be trying to be as away from me as possible. Gladly I would like to know why, is still something I’m trying to figure out. The dynamic “is me not you” is obvious, but I don’t buy it. It has to be me somehow too.

Back in the living room when my smoke is over, I see Moshe and Rich on the sofa fighting for the remote of the big tv, a music video of David Bowie playing on the screen.

“He doesn't let me fucking play a song.” Moshe groans, fighting him as he can with his obvious drunkenness.

“He wants to play a depressive shit, this is a party!” Rich is struggling with keeping his hand with the remote away from Moshe, he is definitely smaller than Moshe.

“You don’t know what song I want!” Moshe groans, one of his hands trying to push Rich’s head away.

“You're always listening to some depressive music, dude.” Rich complains, slapping his hand away and reaching for the remote.

The truth is that Moshe did like sad music but not the slow, soft tempo, kind of ballad sad songs, more like those depressive songs that sound so happy you forget the lyrics is fucked up.

The doorbell of the house rings, and I wince when the few people around the room completely ignore it. I stared at the door for a few seconds, wondering if it could be Ress or my head is just having fun with me today. Don’t think so, today is Saturday so she can’t be here.

However, the door rings again and this time, Jeni leaves the kitchen to walk to the door.

“Can’t any of you listen?” She complained, walking to the door. Rich throws her a kiss, laughing at her annoyed expression.

I take a seat next to Moshe, the winner of the remote fight, keeping myself from the view of the front door. Mostly, I didn’t want to stare into the door when whoever was behind her came in. If it was Ress, I definitely didn’t want her to know I was just there waiting for her to walk in. Not that I was consciously, and not that I think she will like considering our last conversation.

After it I just decided to stop trying to flirt with her, especially knowing now the position she was in. If she needs a friend, tho, I can be that. Does she wants it?

I can hear the door being open and Jeni screaming in happiness. The door is quickly closed back and next thing I know, Jeni is dragging Ress from her arm to walk to us.

“Look who made it!” Jeni put her arm around Ress shoulder, hugging her closer. Ress looked uncomfortable, she always had this expression of wishing to hide so clearly. Never thought it was literal, just that she was shy.

Moshe jumped out of his seat, hugging her with two arms. “Ress, you made it!”

“Only the last one to get here.” She joked, her eyes landing on mine for a second to quickly move away when she realized I was looking at her. I did the same.

“Oh, please, let’s watch the video again!” Jeni clapped and the blood left my body for the second time today. I thought the misery of listening to the song was already over. Jeni ran to the kitchen, maybe looking for Elise, Ress staring at her with a lost expression.

“C’mon, have a drink!” Moshe pulled her onto the couch, to sit next to us. When our eyes met again, I took the lead.

“Hey, Ress.” I smiled at her, loving that I'm drunk enough to not seem as affected because of the obvious change of our interactions.

“Hi.” She gave me a small smile, looking down to her hand quickly.

Rich, seated on the edge of the couch now, holds an open beer for her. “I think you just broke the record of the latest you can be to a party.” he joked, a playful smirk on his face.

Taking the drink, she softly giggles. “I honestly don’t think so.”

She showed up after her shift. We all knew she had to work today, even Moshe, so it is really weird for me that he even invited her in the first place. Moshe seems relaxed now, his usual lazy grin appearing as he stares into Ress and then up to me, the headache not being obvious on his face anymore. He made Ress seat just in between us but sticking closer to her than me.

“We are so happy you made it anyways! How was the bar tonight without us?” Moshe asks her, he quickly gives me a look that I don't understand.

Putting one piece of her now red hair away, she answers “Well, it was not a public favorite.” she nervously says and I stare at her with no shame. Maybe I’m too drunk to care.

Before I could say anything, even maybe start a simple conversation, Elise comes out of the kitchen, Tina quickly following her. Both seem excited to see her and Ress leaves her seat to go say hi to them. Moving in my seat, I focused on something else before I walked to her and started the conversation about why she wanted to stay away from me.

Or me from her, I don’t know at this point. Her being here tonight was not in my calendar and now I have to face the fact that, what she said, or well not exactly, the situation. It made me feel like I overstepped something but I didn’t realize what. I always thought we were on the same page, even the first night we hook up together, to then realize her mind is somewhere else all the time. I can’t ever read her. Can she read me? I think I’m transparent enough.

“...and I thought you couldn’t come tonight at all, I’m so happy you are here.” Elise said, dragging Ress back to the couch.

Tina is the one that takes Elise's hands and moves her around so they can sit next to Moshe, on the other side. Space being a challenge now so Ress and I are closer and I’m keeping my view straight, not wanting her to realize I actually wanted to look at her until she wanted to look back at me without an expression of pain.

“Sorry I wasn’t here when the video premiered.” Ress adds, playing with her untouch beer can on her hand.

“We are watching again!” Jeni said, the remote on her hand now while she adjusted the tv.

I look around the room, everywhere feeling a little more quiet now. Moshe finds my eyes and gives me a comforting nod. I try my best to breathe deeply, reminding myself that they were words, words I wore and they are okay. They can’t hurt me, they are made for other intentions.

The video starts playing and I take the opportunity to side look at Ress. I wanted to see her react to the song. I haven’t had the change exactly since that day in practice and that song was not similar to this one at all. Her expression gives me nothing, she is really good at hiding whatever is going through her head.

I watched the video for the first time. Tina is in most of the clips, mostly her eyes. Her eyes faded in images of us playing. I felt bad for hiding in the bathroom out of my own worry and missing it. Jeni and Elise did a great job. I can see them both smiling so proudly and paying attention to everyone’s reaction to the video. At the end, Ress starts a slow clapping that Rich, in his goofiness increased by alcohol, follows louder. I do too, I have a great team in my band and I’m happy about it.

However, as soon as the tv turns dark, I'm standing up and walking to the kitchen. The song still made me feel suffocated. The kitchen was empty now, the empty glasses around the place making a mess in the tables. I walk to grab some water, needing something to maybe feel a little less unable to breathe.

I stayed there for a while, just sipping the water and my drunk mind going around the song and the video, two different aspects of our art in such a good expression. I was trying my best to fight the thoughts of the past hurting me. I was proud that I at least watched the video and my friend’s expressions after if because they are so proud as well.

Looking down at my feet, I heard steps to the kitchen before I could see from whom. It is my time to leave, it is not an empty room anymore, and after giving my first and only step, I stop when Ress is in the door, staring at me with her dark soft eyes.

“Hey.” I grin at her, trying my best to look as chill looking as I would like to actually be.

“Hi…” She gives me a small smile, maybe uncomfortable about our last interaction. I’m not mad, though, more like relief she was the one that approached. Maybe things were just a confusion.

“I thought you wouldn’t come tonight.” I start moving my eyes from my hands and her hair while speaking, I can't keep my eyes on hers when I’m this drunk and she's looking so pretty and confused, I wanna kiss it out of her.

“I… didn’t wanna miss it.” She clears her throat, playing with her hands in front of her. “T and Elise insisted so… I’m here.” she gives me a small smile, our eyes meeting again.

I smirk, taking the opportunity that was given to me. “You are here, love.”

She doesn’t answer, just looking at me like she's about to say something but is not able to speak up. In a drunken decision, I start walking small steps to her. “I’m drunk, sorry about that.” I fake a pout, trying to make a joke about it.

It worked because she laughed, just a little, but she did. “Yeah, can tell.”

I fake a gasp, moving back as if she offended me. “Do I look too drunk?”

She shakes her head, getting shy on me she starts to play with her hands again. “Your cheeks… they get red, also your lips.”

Now that's an interesting observation I never heard before.

“And you?” I ask her when I stand closer.

“Me? What?” She frowns, her face making a cute confused expression.

“What's your excuse?” Now that I establish I'm drunk, I'm taking the opportunity to tell her things sober I will never even mention. On how much I distress about the fact that she always made me feel like I crossed a line. It is infuriating, never knowing where I am stepping where her.

“Do I need an excuse? For what?” She narrows her eyes, a nervous laugh following.

Holding my breath in, I let my drunk brain drain me away, “Why did you follow me to the kitchen?”

It was a bold statement, she could just come around to grab a drink or something. However, her arms crossed in front of her, her current way to protect herself and took a deep breath as she looked away, leading her gaze to the ground.

“Wanted to talk… maybe when you are sober?” She mumbles, looking around the room like she feels trapped.

Now, fuck, how can I convince her I’m not that drunk when is an obvious lie?

“We can talk now.” I shrug, trying to hide the fact that I’m logging for the conversation. “I can still talk.” I try to manage my way into it with a lazy grin.

She nods, now using her arms to hug herself. “Here?” She arches her eyebrow.

Good question, where? If we come out of the kitchen and walk to a room it's gonna look like a hookup and no other way. Also, I saw Pearl hanging on the balcony. Looking around the room I just nod. Guess we'll have an uncomfortable talk in the kitchen.

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 22. “Uncomfortable.”

<3

Reid

My back leading in the corner of the kitchen island, I'm thinking about whatever she wants to say that is taking a lot. In the meantime, I prepared myself another drink to hide me from overthinking this whole thing. I'm afraid to hear that I am the problem,of course it has happened before. Back in front of her,I stare deeply into her eyes that are avoiding me and wonder if I'm ever going to figure her out. She is definitely the most intriguing thing I have met. Is not like I have never met someone that is running away, college is full of them, but I’ve never found out in such news.

Plus, something that makes the runaway kids so easy to distinguish is their ability to enjoy their freedom till the point it can be dangerous. For Ress, however, it looks as if she was reserving herself more and more. She seemed like we were alike in things you would really talk about and sad that maybe I will never know.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna drink something?” I speak, breaking the weird silence.

She shakes her head, walking small steps around the space. I can almost hear the wheels of her head running around in her thoughts. What is she thinking so much about? I surely have a lot of thoughts myself, alcohol just makes it more fussy and easy to ignore.

“What is it?” I take a sip of my drink, not looking away from her nervous walk.

She sighs, staying still and staring at me. “I just..” She avoids my eyes again, looking down at the floor. “I don’t know how to not make this weird.” Her nervous eyes are so strong that if I weren’t as drunk, my look would mirror her.

I quickly take another sip from my drinking, trying to hide my frown. “It’s not weird, do you feel weird?” My voice is deeper as I try my best to speak softly.

“Yes.” Ress quickly answers, making it hard to hide my wince.

My eyebrows jumped up in surprise. I didn’t expect me to make her feel weird. My intentions were quite the opposite, I want her to be as comfortable as possible, with me around, with me talking to her, to us doing -whatever. But every time I take a step forward, she steps away from it. I’m about to hear her say she does not want to see me anymore? It has happened to me in the same context, this whole thing is ironic.

Swallowing hard, I try to ease the energy. “Well, I don’t feel weird.. if it makes you feel better.” I kinda lied at this point, overthinking her uncomfortable feeling.

Ress left out a dry laugh, looking at me with her, suddenly, sad eyes. “It’s because you are drunk.”

“Yeah, been trying to get you in this mood.” I joke, grinning cockily hoping it works to make her shoulder at least not look as tense. It does, her mouth starts to curve in a smile and then she is laughing, her eyes always get small when she laughs.

“No, I need to do this sober.” Giggling for the last time, she takes her hair out of her face before shaking her hands and leaving them to fall on her sides. She takes a deep breath “I just…” and she stops again, fighting to find her voice.

I can tell she does not do this a lot. Talking in general, it seemed, it made her nervous, it was a weird spot. She was good at casual conversations, but any deep talk can make her panic. She is panicking now, her hands can’t stop shaking and her eyes move around like finding a secure place.

“Hey, stop.” I push myself from the kitchen island and approach her slowly. Thankfully Ress does not step away, but her nervous eyes catch me and don't stay away from me, where I'm moving. “Here.” I hand her the glass of alcohol and give her a soft drunk grin. “I’ll make it easier.” I try my smile to be as friendly as possible, wishing the low lighting can hide how small my eyes feel.

After giving me a nervous look, she holds the glass and takes a slow sip. Then, after meditating for a second, she finished the glass completely.

“Wow, easy.” I giggle, taking the empty glass she quickly handed back, and putting it away.

Helping herself to dry her mouth with her hand, Ress mumbles “Thanks.” I make my way back to my old spot. I don’t want to make her feel more uncomfortable.

I don’t say a word, just wait. She is still having a hard time staring at me. I, however, don’t even try to hide that my eyes are focused on her. In a drunken thought, I tried to keep my eyes on her forehead to see if I could read her mind. No success, obviously. But her face did give me clews, somehow she hates that she is here yet here she is. I’m confused about where we are going.

Clearing her throat, Ress starts. “Yeah, I was… well, I wanted to…” Sighing, she closes her eyes in shame. “What I meant is that…” she continues, eyes still shut.

“I can start… if you'd like.” I shyly propose, I’m feeling bad just seeing her struggle with her words. Just want to take her out of her misery, maybe listening to me could make it easier for her. I think for a while, knowing what I want to ask because it has been in my mind, even if I try to deny it even to myself.

Confusion is obvious in her face when she hears my voice but she still nods.

“Well, last time I saw you,“ I started, looking down at my feet to not make her feel pressed and to make my words come easier, never had a conversation like this so early on a hook up, usually takes more than two months. “Well… You are really hard to read.” Is the most simple explanation I can give to all of it.

“Am I?” Ress asks in shock, her eyes wide and frown stronger. As if I have not expended every moment of our time together trying to figure out what she really means. I can tell she does not realize how other people perceive her.

I nod, giving her the opportunity to continue when I saw her take one single step forward.

“That’s what I wanted to talk about, I…” She looks down, maybe deciding is easier for her that way. Don’t blame her. “Well… I never planned for everyone to find out that I runned away… especially not in the way you did, that was embarrassing.” Ress looks so small when she tries to not talk about no superficial things, her voice and words just fade as her eyes lose a small amount of brightness. Everytime the conversation gets deeper she becomes smaller. “And well, now you know and… more people know and it's been hard for me to… trust.” She finally meets my eyes and I wince a little again.

“Trust?” I frown, “You mean you are scared I'm calling for the reward?” I joke around.

But then, she does not laugh, just looks at me with nervous wide eyes and my already small smile fades, “Oh, you did mean that.” is not funny anymore.

Ress shakes her head “And I’m sorry but I… I’m not used to this many people I don’t really know around me, I don’t know your intentions and it makes me question things.”

“Intentions?” I mumble, my voice hoarse now the alcohol has made everything more blur.

“Yeah, like… why do you keep being around me, or Moshe, or Élise?” She shrugs, hugging herself with her arms. “I'm just scared, you know?”

I nod. Processing my ideas for a while, silence is the only thing around us for a few seconds. She obviously has trust issues about everyone, not surprising after trying so hard to hide it. But I also have the thought that she will never truly trust me, I can see. Ress is running from something that scares her so much she is even precautious now she is away from it. Maybe I won’t ever hear her full thoughts, but luckily that has nothing to do with mine.

“Wanna know my intentions?” I ask, moving close to her but not enough to make her flinch. She does not, just stares at me waiting for my next words. “I do have intentions, yes… calling in for a reward for you was never a choice, tho.”

Her eyes move from mine, blush on her cheek growing as she is feeling ashamed. “What are they then?” her voice is a mumble but is firm. I don’t know how to prove someone can trust me, not when they won't share anything about themselves. But I can try, even if it is giving her the trust she wants.

“Just to confirm, tho.” I start, moving one step closer now, keeping my hands to myself. “You wanna know that you can trust me, right?” I will repeat the words she wants to hear at this point, Élise is completely right about me.

“I mean…” she puts a piece of her red hair behind her ears. “Yeah, I do.”

Nodding, I play with my ear piercing while I stare at her. She is indeed the most odd thing. Why is she even here today when she has work tomorrow? Why is she even a person that can exist and live as she is a mystery and maybe in danger. She was just something I was intrigued by, somehow being told not to reach for her secrets dragged me a lot more to curiosity. I’m digging my own grave.

“Well, let me be clear then.” I give her a soft smile, looking up and down her face. “When I saw you for the first time I thought… Wow, she is really hot.” She lets out a laugh and I join her. “All cute giving me your lighter and breathless because of the job but also because you like me back, too. Didn’t you?” I ask her just to hear how she is feeling about my words.

She blushes, as she puts her hair away. “I… thought you were handsome, yes.”

“So in reality I want to just hang out with you, I think you are cute and interesting, an easy pass on my list.” I give her a grin but she does not seem to give up to it, she is still serious. “But mostly, after everything I just… I get it, you know? Wanting to leave a place so bad you’ll do whatever…”

“You do?” She asks in a weak tone.

I nod. “And is so lonely, I know…” I slowly put my hand up, hoping she would not react to it. When it reaches the edge of her hair, she stays still, eyes now glued to mine. “Just wanted you to know that there is comfort whenever you want to search for it… you just need to search for it.”

“Comfort?” Ress asks in a soft tone, maybe a word she has not put into the situation. “You want to be a comfort to me?”

“Hey, I can be good at it, I give amazing advice too.” I joke around, not waiting for this to sound deeper in her head. “Mostly, it can be just a distraction, you know… not because bad things are happening it means that we need to think about it all the time. Hang out with friends help you keep your mind out of things”

Staying silent, she just stares into my eyes. I sometimes think she is trying to find a way to prove I’m untrustable and lying. I take my time to look at her back, actually liking that I can now that she is. She looks tired, actually, her under eyes looking big and dark, her mouth is dry despite the fact I just saw her drink sometime and she is wearing clothes close to pajamas, totally different from the uniform I know she was using a few hours ago.

“Okay, so in that case,” She starts, now moving away from my hand. “I want to trust you, guys. Like, all of you. Is not easy, I’ve been… on my own for a long time.”

“Totally get that.”

“But being honest I… also like the, um, comfort you give me. Is nice…” She looks away again. “But I don’t like that sometimes I feel like you are trying to get into my head or something.”

I give her a shameful smile. “I am, sometimes, trying to understand where you are coming from.”

“Well, if… comfort continues then you need to stop doing that.” Ress looks at me while she mentions every word, she means it.

I smile, feeling like teasing her now just to ease her mood. Don’t know if it is the right choice, I’m drunk. “Comfort as sleeping together?”

She does not hide how it made her flinch, also does not hide how she bites her lips and giggles softly. “Yeah, I…. I’m not gonna lie and say I haven’t had fun with you but… The questions, trying to figure me out… I don’t like it, I don't wanna do it.”

Is not the first time I'm hooking up with someone that tells me this. Usually, the conversation happens after a few months of me, apparently, annoying their feelings for me out. Now, not only soon but also more serious, I feel bad to say yes even thought is the right thing, because is what she wants. The truth is I want to ask her questions and figure her out, I want to find out what she is thinking all the time she looks like she’s not even in the room, to find out what she is running from.

“Okay.” I nod. “No more of that.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be friends” Ress quickly clarifies. “I think you are great and so nice to me… I just don’t want to finish this conversation with you thinking I'm the worse”

Laughing under my breath, I just look at her with my tired eyes. “So you want to be friends that don't really talk about the past and give each other… comfort, once in a while, right?”

She blushes more, probably hearing the words that way for the first time.

“Are you mad if I say yes?” She is so brave to also look so scared all the time, she is a different thing at the same time, how is it possible?

“Why would I when that is what you want?” I give her more reassurance, her switch of moods so smooth but also constant was something I wanted to understand more.

“And what do you want?” She asks me back leaving me speechless for a second.

I don’t really know. I want to be able to talk to her without so many boundaries, of course, but it is something I need to win. Sadly, it looks like the price does not even exist. I want to be around her with her boundaries, better than pretend I don't like her.
“I want you to believe that you can trust me.” I tell her.

She doesn’t speak a word, her eyes scanning my face looking for clues of my lies or any other proof that she can walk away. I stay there nervous, my hand wanting to move for touch but I see her lost in her head so I don't interrupt her.

Then, to my surprise, for the first time since she entered the place, Ress leaves her breath out, exhaling and relaxing her body for the first time.

“You were really nervous about telling me this?” I reach for the edge of her hair again, she does not stare at my hand this time, just lets it be.

“I mean, It does sound crazy.” She admits.

“Crazy?” I mumble while with my free hand I slowly touch her wrist. “I don’t think it's crazy… pretty straight forward, I will say.”

I can feel the small bumps on her skin and they start to shiver a little. Does she know that, in this case, she is really transparent? She seems to not be able to hide strong emotions and I liked that, somehow, I did have a way to at least figure her out.

“So you are not…?”

“Mad?”

“More like uncomfortable.”

I grin, my finger now moving up and down her arm, watching closely to her reactions. “I’m actually more comfortable now, knowing what you’ll like or not… That means I only need to obey.” By the time I finished talking, the space between us was not there anymore and her chest started to move faster as her breathing became uneven.

“Obey? You make it sound as if I'm using you.” She tries to laugh at how nervous I'm making her… In a good way now.

“You can if you aren’t” I tease her, my finger curling the edge of her hair.

She laughs now, looking relaxed and with her guard down now. “Don’t give me that power, Reid.”

“Why?” I grab a piece of her hair, playing around it with my fingers. “Will you abuse that power?”

I could just kiss her. Pull her up the table and make out with her as long as I want. The problem was the kitchen, without a door for our dismay and with someone soon walking in to grab something. It was not private enough.

“You are coming back home tonight?” I ask Ress, hoping she understands my question.

“Well, it depends…”

“Salut, I’ve been looking for you!” Pearl shows out in the room, either pretending she did not see us step away from each other or just not caring. “I need to leave, we have this big project presentation tomorrow.” She walks to us.

“Sure, thank you for coming, Pearl. It’ll mean a lot to Élise if you share it…”

“On my blog? Done!” She proudly shows up her phone that I can not read because it is quickly moved away. Then she looks at Ress and I guess her words before she can even continue.

“She is Ress.” I said. Ress says hi just waving with her hand and with a smile

“Oh, an amazing hair color.” Pearl tells her, smiling at her.

“Thank you!”

“Anyways, call me or I will kill you okay.” Her pointy cute nail accusatory points at me and I just nod, following her along.

She steps forward, giving me a quick kiss I can’t avoid before getting to Ress and kisses her twice on her cheek.

“Don’t miss me!” She walks away, not looking back at the ruined moment she left behind.

I force a smile, putting my hands into my pockets, “That’s… Pearl.”

“She seems really nice.” she simply adds.

I don’t know how to put myself back in the situation we were in. The interruption broke all the energy we had going around. Then, I decided to do what she's been doing, being direct.

“I have hooked up with her.”

She smiles playfully. “I figured. She didn’t seem to mind about this, though.”

“We aren’t a couple.” I shake my head, now moving my hand from her hair to her shoulder, slowly moving my fingers up and down. “She is my friend, I wouldn’t get mad if it was the other way around.”

“So you never catch feelings?” She smirks, a mixed expression on her face.

“Oh, my friends will disagree.” I laugh it off.

She chuckles next to me and looks behind her shoulder “Speaking of them… maybe we should get back.”

Giving a few steps, my drunk brain decides to make the move before I can process it. Stopping her by grabbing her hand, she looks back at me and I grin, knowing my eyes look really small but not caring.

“Are you staying tonight?” She hesitates in her answer. “What I meant is.. some of us are, you know. If you don't wanna fall asleep we can at least wait awake until the metró opens. Then we head home.” She nods at my words. “Is for you to not walk alone at fucking midnight, that’s fucking scary.”

She chuckled when she seemed to realize what I was talking about. Obviously staying the night, in our terms, could sound like I was just trying to have sex.

“Of course, thank you.” I didn’t realize which of my two propositions she said yes to but I still grin in satisfaction.

Nodding, I followed her out of the kitchen, where now the amount of people has reduced to apparently only us. The clock in the wall was around 4:00 AM. I could see Élise covering her mouth while yawning, her head laying on Tina’s head while both were on the couch. There was no sign of Moshe and Jeni was seated on Rich’s lap where they spoke in whispers. Ress freezed behind the scene, not knowing what to do thinking we interrupted. Tina notices us come in, a grin on her smile while she eyes us both.

“We are about to go to bed, are you staying, Ress?” Tina askes, Élise looks up at us waiting for the answer as well.

I’m still not sure of what she agreed to before so I wait for her answer as well.

“Yeah, I’m actually really tired.” Surprisingly she says.

She was working tonight and without Tina so maybe it was double work. I quickly felt bad that for a second I thought about kissing her and starting something. Alcohol makes my thoughts confusing and fuzzy.

“You can’t take my room tonight.” Jeni mentions while playing with Rich’s hair.

“But you never use it anymore…” I start.

“Moshe is there! God, you are so annoying.” Jeni rolls her eyes while laughing, her words clearly a joke.

“Moshe went to bed already?” I ask out loud.

“He was really tired.” Élise answers me, then she steps up from her place in Tina’s lap, stepping up the couch and handing her hand to her to help her stand up as well. “We are next, I’m about to die, bon nuit!”

Tina waves goodbye at us while Élise drags her to one of the free rooms. Out of Rich and Jeni’s rooms, the only option left was the room at the corner of the house, the only bad thing about it is that it is the room used for guests to enter, maybe we’ll need to change the sheets.

Ress does not know the house, so knowing Jeni’s room is out of option confuses her in where to go. I pull my hand in her lower back, softly pushing her to walk.

“Let’s go.” I mumble and she nods.

She nervously says goodnight to Jeni and Rich, who are clearly ignoring us while we make our way to the hallway. I guide her to the room almost at the end of the hall, turning the lights and immediately moving to the bed to take the sheet out.

“Can you please check in that drawer for new ones?” I ask her while I take the sheets out of the room, dropping them in the laundry room. When I'm back, she is finished making the bed and I make my way to wash my hands, I don't know who used those sheets.

I looked at my reflection and noticed my hair messy and my face full red. Washing my face, wishing to wash away my wasted face, I hope the night just continues as good as it has since I decided to listen to Moshe a little. When I’m back in the room, Ress asks to use the bathroom and I stay in the room just contemplating our conversation. She makes me even more curious.

I have not dare to even google her real name, not wanting to break any trust around her sharing it with me. But I feel like doing it, as if I could fix something knowing. Shaking my head, annoyed, I connect my phone to charge, then take off my shoes and bell, hoping to be as comfortable as possible with the clothes on because I didn’t think she wanted it off. When she comes out of the bathroom, now her hair up in a bun, she walks to me with shy steps.

“Do you have something I can sleep on?” She does not look at my eyes and I’m glad but maybe she will notice how I was staring at her mouth.

“Well, there's not a closet here so I don’t think Jeni has anything…” Looking around, I gaze at my shirt. “Unless you want my shirt.”

She looks at my shirt and then me, deciding what to do. “You don’t have to if it is…”

“It 's okay.” I quickly say, taking it off. Mostly because I do not sleep with a shirt on so it is a great excuse to take it off without implying something else. She looks at me frozen, receiving the shirt with eyes that can’t decide where to go. They land on my eyes.

“Thank you.” She smiles and returns to the bathroom to get changed.

Laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, I'm asking myself all the questions I have before with Ress. I haven’t read a full newspaper about her case, not since the only one we saw. I think we all decided it was best not to before speaking to her. Now, I’m curious, what is the media saying, what are their parents saying, why if she is not a minor they are looking for her. I had so many questions and she was not able to tell me anything. I can guess the fact that I'm even thinking about googling her name could upset her.

Ress comes out of the bathroom, holding her clothes on one hand and the other one to constantly pull down the edge of the shirt. It was not short, it actually covered her all, but it was obvious she was not wearing any pants.

When she moves up to bed, I wait to know if she is going to say something. I also wonder if I should say something after all.

“Thank you for coming tonight, must have been tiring after work.” I simply say, feeling like I'm frozen in my position in the bed. Ress breathing is steady and calm, she covered herself up her chin. It was chilly.

“It was nothing, say it to Moshe for inviting me.” she mumbles, both of us staring at the ceiling.

“I didn’t say anything because…”

“Shh..” She hushes me, her hand moving so she can grab my hand. I don't look at her, I don't think she is looking at me because she sounds really sleepy. “Is okay, Reid. We are fine, right?”

“Yeah.” I squeeze her hand, closing my eyes. “We are.”

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 23: “Do I wanna know?”

<3

Reid

I’ve woken up in bed with girls for a long time now. It always feels comfortable, nice, like a warm reminder I’m not alone and it quickly turns even better. With Ress, though, I’m a little weird out. It's like, despite the conversation we have, I still can keep lots of things out of my mind. Starting with her past, always thinking about it.

Especially now, that I’ve decided just to lay on my side and stare at her still sleeping. I wonder what happened to her that life suddenly was so bad she had to leave. I wonder if it was the same as mine, I didn't run away though. Does that make me weaker or stronger? I don't even wanna know. I just know, now early in the morning when the house is fully quiet because everyone is still in bed, that I won’t be able to ignore it.

I won’t tell her anything about it just.. do my own investigation. Or at least as much as I can, last time we spoke in her house, I understood that the news was full of shit so maybe my sources are not that trustworthy. Either way, that is all I have now.

I stood up, deciding to not bother her and make my way out the room as quick as possible, picking up my pants and socks as the morning cold started to affect me. Closing the door as quietly as possible, I look around while yawning, no one my sight which is better.

I make coffee, knowing I wake up maybe too early for going to bed as late as I did. I couldn’t fall back to sleep, I did try. I make my way around the living room, all the mess from the party still laying around. I decided to do something with my time and clean.

I picked up empty glasses and bottles, put away some food leftovers and cleaned the kitchen. The smell of alcohol was noticeable. When I finally got my coffee done, I sat on the sofa laying as lazily as possible. I turn on the TV just to have something to keep my mind into. I could play something but everyone will hate me.

Sipping on my coffee and going around the channel, I think it would be better if I just played a movie. When I pass by a news article with a picture of Ress on it, I come back quickly, thinking maybe my brian just tricked me. But no, it was there.

“...Until this moment the police still have no information about the whereabouts of Marie Ress Elizandria. We want to remind the public that there is a reward up to anyone that can come with information of her whereabouts. This is the story.

The twenty one year old disappeared from her house on the morning of August 11th of 2018. She was last seen on August 25th, 2019 when she was caught by the security cameras of the International Airport leaving on a plane with the destination of Montreal, Canada. After that she has not been seen again. Her family is sure this is all related to a Human Trafficking case and they are doing everything in their power to bring Marie Ress back to safety with her loved ones.”

I’m frozen, hand with coffee hanging off how surprised I am. Ress was in Montreal? Why? When? Well, of course now I know when. The images change and a middle aged woman, really thin and elegant is on the screen. She looks like a lawyer.

“My daughter, my beautiful daughter.” The woman cried her words, I looked down on the screen and saw the name: Janine Rose Elizandria, mother of the victim. She is Ress's mother. “She will never just leave us like that. She was such a good and educated girl, she was afraid to even go out much! She loved expending time in the house with us. We were not having any arguments.” The images cut and then there's images of her house, that is her house? Is the side of this fucking building. I’m in shock. “Someone must have convinced her to let us, there's no way she can just leave on her own. Someone took my baby and I just want her back.” The woman sobs, her sorrow and sadness so strong that even the people behind her tear up a little. Even I feel bad.

The reporter from the beginning continues the narration “Marie Ress has no social media, her phone was left in her room before she left and, in her parents words, she has no funds to take care of herself. Marie Ress is in danger, let’s help her get back to us.”

“Damn.” I heard a mumble and jumped on my seat, hot coffee dripping on my bare stomach. I curse at the hot liquid on my skin. “Oh, wow, why are you so jumpy like this?” Tina chuckles as she sees me overreact to her present. She’s laying on the corner of the hallway, arms cross in front of her while she leans on the wall in a chill pose.

“Well you fucking scared me.” I giggle next to her, mostly to hide how in pain I am, making my way to the kitchen to clean the mess I made.

I put the now empty cup on the sink and take a towel that I get wet to pass it over my chest and stomach, the skin already getting a little red. Tina enters the kitchen, holding a dirty towel that I don't even know where she got it from.

“A little spilled to the floor, sorry to spook you like that.” She gives me a smile, putting the towel away and washing her hands in the sink.

“Is okay, I…” I shake my head, not looking at her. “I thought you were Ress so I got a little worried.”

She hums, now walking around the kitchen. I point to her where the coffee is done and she makes her way. “Ress probably wouldn’t say anything, just take her stuff and leave.”

And that was a very sad statement. Will I continue on just trying for her to not run away from me? The wave of relief I got when I saw Tina and not Ress behind me was enormous. She would’ve had to leave and never speak back to me because she felt exposed. She’s so unpredictable and is hurting my head.

“Will it be weird if I ask you not to tell Ress about it?” I say, walking slowly to her.

Tina chuckles, she and Elise are way too alike sometimes, especially when it is about laughing as if nothing is happening when the other person in the room is clearly struggling. She shakes her head, finishing to pour her coffee and taking a sip.

“Why would I tell her? She will be triggered. Besides… I also saw the news, you know.” She shrugs. “It's not like they are not out there.”

I nod. They are, I could understand why Ress will be so anxious about it. It kinda can feel like she is being chased. I do feel like shit to know this because it will trigger her, but everything was so confusing, damn. Why are they looking for her if she is okay? Why is she not telling them she is okay?

“Have she told you… something?” I shyly mumble, avoiding her eyes while I speak. I guess at this point I just want to see their point of view. Elise told me that Tina and Ress spent a lot of time talking, actually bonding a lot after everything came down. So I’m guessing maybe Tina can know sometime, at least a little more.

“You mean about her running away?” She boldly asked, she was more straightforward than I thought. I even looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was still around.

“Yes, that.” I nodded, looking back at her. She was smirking, an expression that I was not expecting considering my question.

“You like Ress, uh.” She teased me, completely having fun in this situation. Damn, she was just like Elise.

“I guess I’m kinda obvious at this point.” I admit. I’ve never been ashamed of my feelings, not even when I have to admit they were wrong or reckless.

“Oh, you are.” She laughs, taking a sip of her coffee later as if she didn’t just leave me speechless. “So, you are worried about her?” Tina speaks again.

I walk to the small chairs in the kitchen island, mostly to be closer to Tina so we can lower our voice. “I mean, of course. Suddenly she’s in the news and finds out she ran away. But also she is… so… how can I say it…”

“Unstable?”

“I was gonna say unpredictable but, yeah, I guess it fits too.”

Tina sighs. “Well I don’t know more than you do. She’s like cement, hard and dry cement in that head, you can’t go through.”

I nod at her words, completely understanding. “That’s the thing… even when it is just about us hooking up.” I blush but continue. “You know, whatever, still I can’t figure out what I’m doing right or wrong because it's like her head is always changing.”

Finishing her cup of coffee, she leaves it aside and grabs both of her hands. “Okay, I do want to tell you this.” She looks at me, giving me a deep stare. “She is scared, Reid. That’s the main thing you need to understand now. She feels lost and scared, the only thing she needs now is someone that makes her feel less lost and less scared, not more. Do you get me?”

I nod, not answering, just listening. I asked for her words at the end of the day.

“If you want to go around and find out what happened to her… and this is just my opinion.” She avoids my eyes, like she is kinda ashamed of saying it. “It can be a little invasive.”

I sigh, letting my head fall in my hand for support. “That’s the point. The news are a lie in her words. Even if I tried, what actually happened? It 's hers.”

“And it needs to still be, okay? Until she is ready.” Tina gives me a warm smile. “You know, I thought you were an asshole.”

I laugh. “Yeah, heard that one before.”

Tina giggles, pushing my shoulder slowly. “No but for real. With all the lead singer of a band look, kinda fuck boy if we admit it and all romantic and full of compliments. A jerk!” I can’t help but laugh because it is true. I do seem like it, a little of Elise’s fault too, considering she decides our looks on stage. “But you are really nice, and I know Ress likes you too, she is just scared and will spend some time trying to figure out if she can trust you. Just prove her she can, okay?”

I grab her hand, giving her a squeeze. “You are great at giving advice, thank you.”

“A curse and a blessing.” Giving me a last nod she leaves the kitchen, leaving me alone.

Remembering I kinda burned my stomach, I decide to go back to the room and find some burnout lotion. This was going to hurt. Opening the door as slow as possible, Ress is still laying asleep. I breathe in relief, she doesn’t even know I was gone. Gladly nor what was I talking about.

I get into the bedroom, trying to look around the draws for something for the big red mark on my stomach now. It is not a big deal, it’ll be gone maybe tomorrow. At least I had the precaution to leave my coffee cold a little before pouring it on me.

“What happened?”

“Fuck!” I jump, looking at Ress standing behind me in the mirror. I turn around to face her. Too early for this to happen to me twice today. “Sorry, though you were asleep.”

“No, I’m sorry for… what is that?” She points at my stomach.

I stare down and then back at her. “I… had a little accident making the coffee, it is not a big deal.”

With a frown, she walks closer to me. “Is it burning? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. “ I give her a soft smile. “How do you sleep?” I leave the lotion aside and wash my hands.

“Fine.” I see her nod in the mirror, she moves around still a little on edge. “Thank you for letting me stay.”

Drying my hands I smirk at her. “Whenever you want.”

I leave the bathroom, giving her some space. I spent the time she was inside making the bed and checking my phone. I live with my notifications off, only me deciding when I’m going to find out about things. I saw the long list of messages and knew what was waiting for me, so quickly I archive the conversation, not stopping to read anything. Not only is it too early but also is the only solution I found lately that is working. Just ignoring it, it’s not happening.

I get startled when the bathroom’s door opens and Ress comes out. Her hair is now up her head in a bum, she went back to walk around pulling my shirt as low as possible from her legs.

Laying on my side, holding my head with my hand, I look at her analyze her movement to sit in the bed so her legs are not exposed. “You got shy on me now?” It was an honest question, I felt the vibe since last night but didn’t want to say anything.

Ress opens and closes her mouth to answer but finally just softly snorts. “Is not shyness, more like… being polite.” she makes a face, not sure of her last words.

“Polite? How could you be impolite by just waking up?” I move my hand around the covers, trying to reach close to her hand laying next to her leg.

Ress doesn't answer. She thinks, I get myself deeply focused on her face, her thinking face, the way her eyes get lost, bigger and a little wet.

“Never heard that one before.” She says in a sad mirthful tone.

I reach for her pinky with mine, softly giving a touch. I look up to watch her reaction to a simple touch, she looks down and finds my eyes. She always has this sad undertone. As if she was layers, one that is always projecting distance and control. Then the one where she is always on edge, like ready to run on the emergency exit if necessary. After it, this one, the sad one. It is not usual, she tries very much to hide she even has had sad things to be sad about. But I see it, when she looks away for too long, when she is realizing things. I think her memories hunt her. Relatable. She does have the chill Ress layer, the one I saw in her first concert night. Carefree and relaxed, talking about her passion and just enjoying things.

Ress moves her finger to lock it with my pinky. I take the opening and slowly move my hand to grab her hand and softly move my thumb.

“What are you thinking about?” I mumble, just to catch her attention actually. Her gaze was focused on our hands, just deeply staring and losing herself away.

“I wouldn't know where to start.” She answered, her eyes don’t move.

I hum, just looking at her. My hand where my head is laying starts to hurt, so I extend my arm so now my head lays on the pillows. I get a better look at her face now. Her face is red for some reason, maybe her hair makes the effect. She caught me staring at her, giggling and quickly looking away.

Shaking her head, she tries to let go of my hand, I hold it a little stronger. “You see? You are shy of me now.” I tease her, just trying to get her away from her head a little.

She pushes her hair away from her face, leaving one side of her neck uncovered. “Maybe I’d always been… a little.”

I frown, making my grip on her hand softer and moving my fingerprints on the inside of her hand now. “Why?”

She shrugs, chuckling. “I guess that’s how I am.”

“Um, I can disagree on that.” I look up, finding her eyes while my fingers move up and down her arm. “I’ve seen you been not shy at all.” My voice goes lower without noticing it and I quickly feel her skin get goosebumps under my touch.

To my surprise, Ress takes a quick look down my mouth and next thing I know she is kissing me, moving down so she can reach me and I gladly take it.

She is warm, like her heart is always beating fast and all the blood quickly gives her a warm touch and her cheeks red. One of my hands rested on her check, moving her hair out of our way in our kiss. My other hand quickly finds her thigh and I feel her skin react to my touch.

She kisses me while she touches me in ways that I don’t think she is aware are very pleasing. Moving her hands up and down my chest and stomach, moving her hands to my neck and really slowly pulling my hair. Her pelvis pushed down to my lower stomach, making me feel weak. I really like the feeling of being wanted, knowing she doesn't want to do this with anyone in this place but me. I like to feel needed and she sounds so needy while she quickly moves further down and pushes down straight to where my cock hurts.

I’m the neediest, of course. I need to be needed and I need to be wanted. Of course, I need this too. I don’t compare the girls I hook up with in my mind, but I do compare the feelings I have while I’m with them, it is inevitable to remember how I felt, more to any other detail.

I hooked up with Pearl a couple nights ago, with her I think comfortable will be the word. No matter what I do, what I say, I could trip on my ass or accidentally fall on my cock and Pearl will laugh and quickly brush it off. She reminds me of the breeze, pleasing and nice, even when inconvenient, strong and chill. She makes me feel comfortable and able to express whatever random thought.

With Ress, I feel like I need to pull back a lot. There are a lot of things that I normally do to “connect” more with the girl I am with. But with Ress I can’t do it, she will get scared and sneak out my arms. She will never let that wall of distrust down if I try to do even, what I thought, was the simplest pillow talk. She makes me feel like I’m constantly proving myself. To be fair, right, trustable, whatever.

I like that she takes the lead, I will let her. I don’t want to push her to a way of turning back. She is the one that breaks the kiss, I stare at her looking down at me, her brown eyes being darker than usual and her red bags falling down her cheeks.

I don’t say anything, I want to see her next move. Then, Ress takes my hands and puts them both on her tits. I swallow, feeling more uncomfortable on my pants but with no shame I keep my hands on her breast over my shirt she was wearing, swollen and full, moving around when she does. I grin, loving whatever is going on with her now.

Ress moved forward, her nose touching mine, and slowly mumbles. “Is a lover soft or is a lover rough?”

Now, I can’t help but have the biggest and devious grin on my face. She looks like she is about to show me how not shy she can be. And I can’t wait.

“A lover is rough.” I mumble on her lips and with a quick move I take her mouth on mine. She lets me, giving me the control back quickly when her hands focus on unzipping my pants. I move my hands around her breast, touching her nipples over the fabric with my fingertips to see her jump and gasp.

I move my right hand to her neck, pushing her harder against me and pushing my tongue further in her mouth. In a slow move I take a hold on her hair, waiting for any reaction. Ress just moves her hips harder against me and her hands start to pull down my pants.

I stop her, grabbing her hair and pulling back, her head moving back till our kiss break. Breathless, I stare at her face trying to see her change her mind. Instead, she moves her head up my neck to push my face to her lips. I don’t let her, grabbing her hair harder.

“Do you want to be the rough lover or do you want a rough lover?” I ask her, trying to see where we are going and how I can continue. She doesn’t speak, maybe my biggest problem if we are doing this.

“Why don’t you say anything?” I brush my free hand up and down her cheek slowly.

Ress still stays quiet but she starts to blink, like quickly thinking, and then with her hands she tries to push my mouth against her again.

“Shh.” I mumble against her lips, putting my point finger on her lips. “Tell me, love.” I move my finger to her bottom lip. “What do you want?”

She bites her lips, seems like she is shy at the end of the day. Don’t remember pushing her this much to speak while we have sex, maybe I just want to see her limit.

“C’mon, love. You aren’t shy of me, remember?” With my finger I slowly pull her lip down, then brush my thumb over it.

She nods, her hands moving up my neck to my hair. Then, I feel her pull my hair too, my head moving back till my eyes reach her.

“I want you as the rough lover.” She says, so sudden after a few seconds of silence that I thought I imagined. Then, I saw her confident smile and I lost it.

I moved us around, to push her under me on the bed. Her red hair spread in the pillows and her naked legs open and inviting. I get on my knees between her legs, staring down for a few seconds while I just touch her. She is really soft. I reach the edge of her shirt, well mine whatever, and pull it up off her body. She pulls her arms up to make it easier.

When I throw it somewhere in the room, she is smiling. I smile back, pulling my pants down to find some relief. It feels better. Now, I want to give her what she asks for, but I want her to ask me to. For some reason I feel like sex is the only carefree conversation we can have, and I want to take every second of it.

My hands move to her stomach and then hips, giving her touch until I move them to her breast but not fully touching her yet.

“Do you want me to touch you?” I look at her eyes while I speak, hoping she does not look away.

She blinks and nods.

I shake my head. “Tell me, love.”

Her bottom lip shivered and she quickly bit it to hide it. I just stared deeply in her mouth, she’s just so hot. She swallowed but didn’t say anything. I get impatient, so I move forward, my mouth landing next to her ear.

“Oh, you want me to be rough but you want to be quiet?” My voice hoarse while I mumble, I feel my mouth dry of the excitement. She let out a deep breath and moved a little, her hands reaching my hair.

“Let's do this, um?” I bit her ear and moved down to leave kisses down her neck. “If you don’t speak I’m gonna have to guess, you want me to guess?”

I feel her nod but still move away from her neck to see her. She nods again. I smirk deviously, enjoying every second of her just laying there so needy for me.

“Let’s guess then.” I move my hands up to her breast, stroking each one in my hands. “You want me to touch you… you want me to do things that you didn’t know could turn you on, right?” Her pupils are dilated and I see them bright in passion. She just nods again.

I breathe out a frustrated whimper. “Now, work with me a little, love. C’mon, you can tell me whatever you are thinking.” I move my fingers to gently stroke her nipples, she moans and pushes her chest to my hands. “I will guess that you don’t want this if you don’t speak.”

“I do, I do.” She answered quickly, making it hard for me to hide my grin. I pitch one of her nipples harder, making her move her hips up to find mine. She is good with body language, wish she used fucking words.

“What do you want, love?” I ask her again, this time my nose touching her, my eyes staying on hers to make sure I can see every reaction she has.

Again she has a hard time, but then she softly mumbles. “I want you to do things to me I didn’t know I could like.”

I shamelessly moaned, this was exactly what I needed. I take her mouth on mine, kissing her deeply and happily taking her tongue in my mouth. I move my hands down, to move her panties down her legs and finally have her all naked for me. She follows my action, moving her hands down my ass to bring down my boxers. Fuck, she has some moves that let me still for a second.

I break our kiss, focusing on putting away her underwear and mine. When I look back at her, it seems like a fire of confident has being turn on inside of her, because she pushes herself with her arms so she is half seated but looking up to me, her eyes giving me the biggest fuck me expression.

“I also want you to surprise me.” She says, slowly like she is tasting each letter and I almost fall on my knees. Maybe making her speak was bad for me, I will literally do whatever she asks me right now. I’m that weak.

I grab her chin and kiss her roughly, making sure I let her breathless. Pushing away, I move her around so her back is against my chest. Both of us kneeling on the bed, I kiss her neck and move one of my hands up her breast and let one slowly stroke her lower stomach.

“I bet you've been wanting this for a while, right?” I tease her, my fingers finding her nipple and the other one touching her pubis.

“Yes,” She strokes her ass against my erection and I wince. I return the favor, pinching her nipple harder.

“Wish you said something.” I suck on her pulse, her back arching and she is making sounds that make my tip get wet.

She does not speak despite my words being totally a way to tease her to continue with the dirty words she was pulling out a few seconds ago. She surprised me in a different way, moving her hand back to grab my cock and stroke it.

“Oh, fuck.” I moan on her neck. Returning the favor, I move my hand down and find a mess between her legs. “So wet, uh?”

Ress just moves her hand harder around me, definitely making me weak. She is realizing how much power she has over me, maybe something I should be scared of.

“I don’t care if I cum on your hand… you need to tell me, love, that way I can give you all you want.” I move my fingers slowly on her clit, my mouth attacks the spot behind her ear.

“I…” She whimpers, “Please, move your hand.” Her hand stops tho. I’m thankful, she was making me crazy.

My fingers move harder on her clit, a whole wet sound while she just gets more and more to the point she is done and over. I want her there, as soon as I can. I want to hear her ask for it. This is maybe the only moment we have to truly speak and is not uncomfortable. She will get excited by my questions, not scared. My only chance to feel maybe we can hold a normal conversation.

“Like that, Ress?” I ask mumble in her ear, moving my fingers fast to see her tremble. She nods frantically. “Uh uh. Tell me.” I groan.

“Yeah, like that… please.” She lets out, so desperately that it seems as if she was biting her tongue.

I do as she says. My fingers move faster and I keep my eyes on her face. I see her lose her mind, her cheeks turn red and her mouth opening and closing as she can hold her sounds. Her eyelashes flutter and she frowns in such a beautiful way.

“Yes, I’m there.”

I stop. She complains as soon as I do, giving me a confused look when she finds my eyes. I smile, giving her a deep kiss.

“Love you mouth, Ress.” I break the kiss to say, soon moving to kiss her again. “Do you want my mouth, love?”

Her eyes shine in a flash of desire. She grins at me as she moves out of hold. Turning around to look at me, I think she will move forward and I wait for a kiss. She does but, curving her back, her mouth is down on the tip of my cock.

“Fuck.” My hands find her hair in a reflex. I stare down at her in surprise and desire. It is insane how much she can be reserved and let me speechless the next second.

She waits no time, one of her hands moving around my cock while she tries to get it deeper in her mouth. I shamesly moan, no holding back anything.

In this position her ass is in full display, round and curve. Her soft back moving as her mouth pushed me to the edge faster.

“Ress… stop, please.” I can’t cum now, I will die and then not be able to continue until I have breakfast or something.

She does not listen, or she ignores me. She just continues, her free hand finding my balls and I’m almost on the floor.

“Fuck, please, please, I can’t…” I groan, choking on a moan while I pull her hair trying to get her to listen to me.

She stops, her eyes looking up to find mine and I moaned again just at the sight of it. I push her up and my tongue is inside her mouth. I can’t help how turn on I am at the moment, she has always made me feel like I’m about to cum on my pants but now, fuck.

“Fuck me, please.” I think I didn’t hear it the first time, I blink trying to figure out if it was my mind because it was the smallest mumble. “Fuck me, Reid.” She repeats it, looking straight to my eyes with such a hot expression I felt it was more like I command.

And I was so willing.

I slowly push her back, her back finding the bed and I take her legs to put them apart. I crawl closer, thinking to give her back a little of her own medicine. My mouth lands on her pubis and I kiss my way down, I touch her, mesmerized with the side of her wet pussy.

Her whole self shakes, one of her legs finding my shoulder. I grin, looking up to find her eyes. Her blushed face is staring at me already, she looks so beautiful from here.

“I want to give you all you want, love.” And my tongue moves up her clit, her head falling down the pillows as she moans.

I move my tongue deeper, anxiously wanting to take her to the desperate edge. Her hands find my hair and she is reckless, she pulls as hard as she moans. At this point the people in the house might be waking up, but I don’t even give it a second thought. I move down, pushing my tongue inside of her.

“Reid, fuck, I…” Her words don’t end, she arches her back and I soon find my head trapped around both of her legs. And I love it.

I go rapidly, feeling the excitement of the moment. So turned on it’s almost painful, my hands find her ass as she pushes her pussy deeper on my mouth. I hold her in position, pushing my tongue faster on her clit and keeping my eyes up to see her.

She breathes so rapidly. her breast moving up and down. Her mouth is open wide and she is loud and shameless.

“Reid, please, I’m so close.” She begs me, her head moving up the pillow so her eyes focus on me. She pouts, desperate.

Moaning, I devore her. She tasted as if she had fruits for breakfast every day. She tasted as if she drank a sweet poison every day. And it is so hot, warm and messy, completely messy. As the tip of my tongue strokes her clit as fast as I can, she becomes a mess at my sight.

Her back arches, her eyes roll back, her breasts are pushed up and her nipples grow hard. She comes on my tongue and I drink her way to her pleasure. I continue until her legs are shaking so much, they can’t hold on my head anymore. I continue until she pulls my hair so much it makes my moan. I continued until I heard her beg.

“I can’t… I can’t…”

So I continued, wanting to push her to the edge. I felt powerful in this position, I’m the one making her trembler, the one that is making her back arch, the one that is making her get wetter and wetter as she pushes deeper in my mouth.

And I feel it coming in my tongue before I hear it.

“Oh, fuck, I…” She screamed, completely lost. Her hips move frantically, now trying to push away.

I grab on her ass stronger, holding her into my mouth and ignoring her whimpers. “I can’t, please…” Her eyes roll back, I¡m pushing my tongue faster on her clit so her orgasm continues and continues. Her legs shake so much I can feel her closed the harder on my head.

“Oh, fuck!” She yells out and then falls back into bed, her eyes rolling, her body trembling and her mouth open as she gasps the feelings out.

I pushed her into the limit, till the point she was pushing my head away and I managed to hide my chuckle. Moving her legs away from my neck, I see her full body on display. She is gorgeous, her face is blushed, her nipples pricked and I feel dizzy.

It is surprising how much I'm enjoying that we are in this position. That I am here. With her. With Ress.

I crawl up her body to face her, I find her lips and she slowly moves them against mine. Her hands quickly found my hair and shoulder. Her hands are cold, but her whole body is warm.

“You think I’m done?” I mumbled in her mouth and left her speechless. She shakes her head and I follow her, teasing her. “Turn around, love.”

Her eyes look up and down my face before she is moving around, to lay face down in the bed. I watch her, the edge of her hair falling on her shoulders. She moves her hand around to look at me, expecting. I smirk and move up from the bed. She frowns.

“Not going anywhere.” I tell her, moving down to pick up my pants and find the condom in my pocket. I put it on, stealing one more look at her while I stroke my cock in my hands. Her eyes move up and down my body and I see her body shake a little.

“Cold or nervous?” I ask, making my way back to the bed, now I move to be on my knees around her legs, just below her nice round ass.

“Maybe both.” I heard her say. Ticking my tongue, I grab her ass as hard as possible.

“Or maybe just nervous.” I mumble, now both of my hands having a great time grabbing her full ass.

“Maybe.”

I hum, moving forward to grab her ear between my teeth. “Why? Thought you wanted me rough.”

“Not that just… you. You make me nervous.” She avoids my face when telling me.

“Good nervous? Bad nervous?” I ask her, my tip finding her ass and I move to give myself a little relief.

“Good… definitely good.” She answered quickly, her ass pushing up against me.

I groan, having a great time at her reactions. Loving her to just answer with excitement and no fear.

Moving away, I take her hips and move her up so she is on her knees. Her ass looked so much better from this position I got distracted for a second. Quickly, I spank her ass and see her yelp at the shock. Then, she does not say a word.

“Is that okay?” I move my hand around her asscheek, right where my hand hit.

“Yes.” Her voice is almost there.

I spank her again, she jumps and moans this time. “You like it?” My voice is hoarse and my throat dry. I’m as affected as she is, hope she can realize.

“Yes.”

Less than a whisper, I barely heard it. And because it was requested by her, I snap my hand against her ass again and she screams in surprise.

“Didn’t catch that, tell me again.” This my grab on her ass is stronger, as her silence process I take her hair on my hand and pull it, pushing her chin up. I move forward, my mouth finding her jaw. “Tell me again.” I groan.

“Yes, I like it.” I see her eyes close and her mouth open as she gaps. She is blushed and sweaty.

I give her a quick kiss and let her hair go. I grab my cock, pushing my tip to tease her folds. I almost lost in my own game, because her warm and wet skin just made me weak.

Moving my hips, I push inside of her quickly. She groans, fisting the sheets as she arches her back.

“Oh, fuck me, love. You are too good for me.” I grab her hips hard, moaning as I start seeing blurry. “Tell me if I do something wrong, okay?”

She frantically nods, I guess she’s done talking. With a dark grin on my face, I start rocking my hips as fast as I can. At this point, I don’t give a shit about the noise. She is responding at each one of my moves, pushing back her hips and her insides gripping my cock so hard I curse.

Her ass snaps against my lower stomach each time I push inside of her. She is getting more wet and the sounds are getting nasty and loud. And I fucking love it, just snapping harder to hear her more.

“Oh, Reid, fuck.” Her elbows give up, as she falls to the bed. I grab her hair to pull her up, my arm wrapping around her waist so her back is against my check.

I let her hair go, now grabbing my hand around her neck. “C’mon, love. You wanted it, right?” My words fall onto her check where I push kisses, my hips hitting on her still as I see her face break down in pleasure.

“Yes, yes…” She has fewer words, more moans. The sounds that come out of her just making this way more better

I push my fingers harder against the sides of her neck, she gaps and opens her eyes.

“Is that…?”

“Yes, yes, please, Reid.” She blurts out, pushing her hips harder to move on my cock and one of her hands moves back my neck. I moan at her words, feeling closer to losing my mind.

I squeeze her neck, moving my cock harder inside of her. She opens her mouth in pleasure until any sound is out of her mouth and her eyes roll back. She is so fucking gorgeous.

“Oh, love, you are fucking kill me. You are so fucking wet.”

I a dizzy, more like extremely horny, moment I move my free hand down to her folds to find her clit. This is when her eyes snap open again and she moans loudly, her head falling down my shoulder.

“Oh, I’m so close, please.”

Good to hear because I am too. Moving my finger in circles on her clit, squeezing her neck and snapping my hips, I want her to feel as good as I am while her pussy grips my cock so hard I feel like I’m about to explode.

“You are close, love, um?” I leave a kiss on her mouth, catching a moan on the act.

“Yes, Reid, please…” She pulls the hair in the back of my neck, making me groan. Her other hand suddenly moves to push my hand harder against her clit.

“Oh, you are so close, uh?” I tease her, moving harder, she nods as I speak, losing her words completely as I feel her push so hard around my cock that I’m scared I will cum the next second.

Ress is only a mess of gasp and moans and I follow her, staying speechless as I squeeze her neck harder and I feel her cum around me. She screams, her eyes close and cheeks red. Swollen lips where only sounds come out.

I let go of her neck and move my hand away from her folds. Grabbing her hips, I keep moving inside of her, making her climax last as much as possible. She falls forward, hitting the sheets while she shakes in pleasure. Screaming and grabbing the sheets strongly. I groan, feeling like I can't. Until I can't any more because I cum, with the most shameless moan I’ve ever let out.

I can’t hear, I can’t speak, I can’t see. All I can do is feel her, I feel her as I cum so hard I may be confused like someone that is in pain. But I’m actually floating. Breathless, I fell down on her back, feeling unable to move.

My whole body is dumb and I hope I’m not heavy. Ress is not moving even, her fast breathing going softer as she just lays there. When I feel more awake, I move from her body to lay on my back on the bed.

I still feel dizzy in pleasure so I just lay there next to her, recovering from the big wave of pleasure we just had.

Feeling back to myself a little more, I take off the condom and fold it to put it away. Getting more comfortable in the bed, not feeling like I can move my legs yet I look back at her.

She is looking at me already, a lazy smile on her face while her eyes squint.

I move a piece of her hair out of her face. Ress looks like could fall back to sleep at any moment.

“Are you okay?” I check, just wanting to hear her voice, honestly.

She moves her body closer, her head finding my shoulder as she sights. “You always make me feel very good, thank you.”

I smile back at her, moving my head so I can kiss her. She does not push away, she kisses me back and lets me do aftercare just as I like.

<3

Chapter Text

Chapter 24. “Guard down?”

<3

I didn’t realize how content I was until Monday afternoon, when my phone rang with a text that completely destroyed it all.

Content is such a funny concept for me, at the beginning I used to confuse it with silence and peace, with being on my own. Content was never someone else, it was always me. But on Sunday morning I woke up on a bed that is not mine, knowing that the empty space was previously occupied by Reid and it made me smile.

I was actually really content about him not being mad or weird out for what I told him, that he does not feel bad about me not wanting to talk about me or the news. One part of me was still on high alert, but I quickly got myself easily melting back to the feeling of content, not alert, content. He had the power to do that to me.

His friends, or my friends too as they insist I call them, also made me really content. Moshe’s text inviting over, insisting that everyone will be glad to see me and oh, they were. Élise rambled about how fun it would be if I go during our working hours, we don't share any shifts, she only showed up to tell me that. It was nice to have people insisting on seeing me, for some reason. Tina even convinced Lisa to take the night on her own, she failed but she tried.

I was even content that I was walking around with Reid’s clothes, not caring at all that this could easily be mistaken as a walk of shame.

So content I was, that I didn’t even care that Moshe catched us kissing in the kitchen, right after Reid offered to do breakfast for me and I offered to do the dishes. Moshe just gave us a lazy grin and left us to it. Or he tried, because soon the whole house was awake and we weren’t alone anymore.

I was almost ready to go, Reid offered to walk me to the metro even though I denied several times, it was only a few blocks away. But, before, I was planning on showing the band something I did for them but I was too nervous to mention since last night.

I did it on the night I last spoke with Reid. I spent the whole working shift just thinking about him, I mean, them. Or I was trying to convince myself I was thinking of them as a whole and not only on Reid, but definitely he was part of my thoughts. So I took the only way I knew how to express my feelings and the results were so nice I wanted to show them.

I was just really nervous. As soon as I told them I wanted to show them something, their curious eyes followed me around while I walked around the living room.

“It’s just something I did randomly.” I added on a nervous tone while I scrolled through my phone.

No one said a word. I can feel Tina looking at me with a grin, she always seems to be proud of me doing something I’ve looked like I would never do. This was one of those things, I was pushing myself to do this as well. This is my first opportunity to get feedback from my painting. Before, it was Cassie, but as my best friend she was supposed to be nice about her comments. They don’t, they can be honest. But most importantly, showing my paintings is also my only clue of trust I can give at the moment.

I finally found the picture and gave it to the closest person in the room to me now, that is Reid, as ironic as it sounds for me. He looks down at the picture on my phone, Moshe leading over his shoulder to take a look. They don't say anything, only sharing a quick glance with each other before passing the phone to Jeni and Rich, who were seated on the big coffin chair. Élise seems to be inpatient, because she stands up, taking Tina with her by the hand, and walks to the back of the coffin chair to have a perfect view of what Jeni and Rich are looking at now.

“Oh my god” Élise mumbles, looking at the scream in a look that may be surprising but also hidden disgusted for my twisted brain.

“Fuck, you did this?” Jeny gasped, looking at me till I nod and then gasping again. “I can’t believe it.” She looks at Rich. “Can’t you believe it?”

“Didn’t know you could paint, Ress.” Moshe says, giving Reid a smirk that he answers with an eye roll. “Is very good what you did there.”

“Thank you… I wasn’t sure if you were going to like it.” I giggle, trying to sound chill about it and not show how insecure I am with my painting. No one but Cassie, and Reid that one time, have seen them. I’m sure Tina and Élise took a look, but they never mentioned it. This is the first time I was willing to listen to feedback because my painting was the only thing that kept me going and at this point, I only think I’m good at it because I like doing it. No one else had said it. Not that they had to but… I wasn’t planning on me being the only one buying my own art. Not in the long term, at least.

“Are you kidding, Ress?” Tina walked to me, pulling her arm around my shoulder and hugging me. “You are so good, that is one of the most pretty things I’ve seen.”

Tina has become the closest thing to Cassie I can have now. When I found out she had also runned away, for some reason I trusted her more. I’ve been seeing her like more than a co-worker, she took my hair virginity that should mean something. As well, since that little chat we had, we now see each other with a small hidden smile of complicity. We know we are both on this together, even not knowing each other's story.

I moved my eyes to Reid, wanting to see his reaction. Nothing I could read, at least. He was staring at his phone, tapping quickly and not really giving me more than a quick look and a smile before going back to his thing.

The painting was a portrait of the band. All of them, actually, Jeni, Rich and T being on the back of the painting as Moshe, Élise and Reid rest at the front, being the whole center of attention of the painting. Just as they are in real life, at least I tried to express it that way. I played with the idea of lovers and kisses and hands, touch, as killing weapons. I had a lot of fun doing it. Mostly, it's been keeping me busy these days. I feel like my life is ending one more time, but I already did it so many times before that I needed to go numb.

Painting helped me go numb.

I finished it on Saturday morning, and staring at the painting for a while during my smoking break at work was what made me decide to go to the video premiere of the band, knowing it was really late already. I wanted to keep searching for that feeling that made me go numb. I was getting really used to it, the feeling of nothing is actually wrong, even if it is. They made me feel like a normal twenty something. Getting a drink in my hand as soon as they see me, inviting me to places I've never been and Reid making me feel things I haven’t before. They made me numb and I liked it. I was pushing the fear and distrust away to replace it with numbness.

“I didn’t have your picture, guys, so it is mostly an interpretation of yours…” I began to explain the plaiting, hoping to be ahead of any comments.

“That’s what makes it better.” Reid finally spoke, making me move my eyes to him so quickly I was embarrassed. Jeni agreed with him, still holding to my phone and looking at the painting, making zooms here and there. “We should make it an album cover.”

My eyes were wide open. “Oh, I wasn’t…”

“We are going to need pictures taken of it. Can I go to yours?” Jeni asked, giving me back my phone. I was about to reject the offer until she continued. “Oh, wait, I don’t know the lightning there, do you mind bringing it over? Oh, wait, no, we can pick it up!”

I was overwhelmed by the amount of acceptance the piece I did for only peace of mind and relaxation was receiving. I agreed with Jeni, offering to let her know as soon as I’m home free so she and Rich can pick up the painting to take it back here and shoot some pictures.

“Oh, Ress, you are so talented!” Élise holded both of my hands, smiling wide. “Why don’t you share it? Don’t you have a page to post them?”

And there it was. The question I knew could come at any time.

“I do.” I pull out my art account, everyone immediately taking out their phone to take a look at it.

It didn’t have many posts, mostly the painting I had back home. The small minority were my favorite ones, the ones I did back when I was not allowed to have painting for more than just a hobby. I couldn’t take them with me when I left, so I took a picture to remember them. The page has no clues of who the person behind the art is. The profile picture is a Juana de Arco’s painting. The bio only said that it was my own artwork and that's it. Only the small R on the right end of each painting could give out that this belongs to me.

They didn’t mention anything about it, mostly focusing on the other paintings of mine that they haven’t seen. Especially Jeni, who now was running with ideas for the visual concept of the band, having Rich take quick notes on his phone.

By the time I was walking to the metro, with Reid by my side, I realized that even though it was cold, it hadn’t rained for a while now. The sky was clear and birds were singing. I was loving this feeling of numbness and dizziness of the now fresh air. I felt as if I was high on something, only I was completely sober.

“Your painting is great, by the way.” I heard him talk, his hands in his pockets. “I really liked it, we’ve been trying to have an album cover for a while now but me and Moshe sucked at pictures. especially Moshe, he hates them.” He left out a giggle and continued. “Thank you for doing it, Ress.”

I smile at him, wondering if me taking his hand now would be weird. Maybe. “Your welcome… I did it, like a… friendship gift, let’s put it like that.”

Reid grinned, “So friendship uh. Good to hear you use the word.”

I felt the blush come up my cheeks and I scratch my arm in shyness “Yeah, I’m sorry for being difficult about it, it's just that friends…”

“Hey.” Reid took my hand, giving me a quick squeeze. “Don’t apologize, Ress. Is fine.”

I was content when he looked at me, he had big, honey eyes, with his long eyelashes and cute face frown. He had like a resting frown face, as if he always had something in mine. Do you have a secret as bigger as mine, Reid? I always think that when I meet people, do you have a secret story you don't want anyone to know about? But about Reid, specifically, what keeps him up at night? But asking him seems unfair because I wouldn’t answer.

“Also.” He continues as we walk to the entry of the metro, walking down the stairs. “You just became Élise and Jeni’s favorite thing. Let me tell you, they will ask you for more.”

“As soon as I have time, again. Promise.” I chuckle, knowing that I was lying. I already had a new sketch done, this was only with Reid and I put it away as soon as I realized what I was doing. I even turned around, to not see it because it was making me nervous.

“So…” Reid laned back to the wall of the subway, the stairs to take me to the gate of my train were next to us. “We won’t be playing tonight at Underground.”

“I know, I checked the schedule.” Mery was mad about it, the new band was not being well received yet and we haven’t had a selling night like the ones we had with Lovers yet.

“But I can…you know,” He shrugs lazily, his hand scratching his arm. “...call you, see if you are free and we can… hang.”

“Hang?” I turned my face to the side, grinding as his eyes dont allow me to find him.

“Yeah, I mean, not because we are not playing at the bar we can’t see each other, right?” His eyes finally met mine, giving a soft look that made my knees shake a little.

I nod. “Right… right, yeah, I’ll like that.” I said before regretting it.

Reid smiles, that sexy grin of his that makes me a little breathless sometimes. I smile back, waving goodbye to him but he stops me, taking my wrist.

“Wait…” He looks shy now that I’m looking at him, waiting for his next move. He moves forward, kissing me in such a sweet way that my toes curl and I realize this is the first time we share such a small and innocent affection.

Is usually quick, rushed and passionate, like we were waiting a while to devour each other. This kiss is gentle and soft, so much that my skin gets goosebumps and the moment that he breaks it, I feel the need to kiss him again. But I don’t, getting frozen in shock. “Bye, Ress, see you later.”

And just like that, I force myself to walk down the stairs and realize what I’ve done.

I spend my days avoiding Reid, not only because I was afraid about trusting him, I was afraid about me wanting to trust him. I had the sad realization that, for the first time, I actually hated to be on my own and I wanted to be with him. With them, even, all of them make me feel more comfortable than I’ve ever imagined. And it was a sad realization, because loneliness has been my weapon, my wall, my protection against everything else that could hurt me or make me feel bad.

But yesterday I found myself missing them, even T, because work with only Lisa is a little bit tiring, especially with her boyfriend around the bar all the time. And at the end of my shift, I realized how much I didn’t want to get to my apartment and sit alone until I fell asleep. And with those confusing thoughts on my head, not even fully understanding them, I made my way to the party I promised myself I wouldn’t go to.

And I don't regret it, which is making me more worried about me being as comfortable and okay with people that I don't know that well. If I've learnt something in my short life, it’s that you never really know people.

That night, during my smoking break on my shift at Underground, I realized that I never replied to Cassie. Mostly, because what am I supposed to tell her? But feeling comfortable with people that's not her, is really weird and something I'm not used to, so it makes me miss her.

I can’t tell her a lot now, I don’t know if the police have her phone or if she was convinced by her parents to give out every information she gets from me. I do trust her, I just don't know if she trusts me that I’m safe.

I write a simple answer on text for her:

I think it’s better if we cut contact for a while, until I figure out how I will do things. I don't hate you, Cassie, I actually miss you a lot. I promise you I’m safe and okay, please be the same. Love you.

And just like that, I blocked her number, knowing it is going to be a shock for her but is the only way I can help myself at the moment. Keeping contact with her while the whole investigation was happening, did not feel safe for me now.

And I was right because I felt the most scared I’ve been since I arrived on Monday to the job I was still getting used to. The manager, Julia, was really nice to me. She gave me a tour around the store on my first day, explained some of my tasks like putting stuff back on their place and doing the checkouts. She even explained to me how to talk with the customers, offering help or convincing them to buy something. It had a lot more things to do than the coffee shop, especially because in a coffee shop you don't need to convince people to buy you coffee.

“Remember, each sale you do is a bonus on your paycheck.” She announced with a smile that I answered with a nod, putting a mental note on my head that this job will require me to talk even more than when I’m at the bar.

It was hard to keep track at the beginning, but I quickly got it. Me and my only co-worker, Inés, open the store after the lunch break so we have to do cleaning first. We are also instructed to make the place always smile nice, essential oils laying on a stand.

A few clients showed up at the first hours, Inés taking the turn and helping them while I stayed at the main desk. I was taking my time working on passing the inventory of what we sold last week, when suddenly my phone rang out and I pulled it out, hoping it was Reid because he was the only person I was waiting for a message from.

But all the color left my face, I felt like the store was now ten times smaller and I felt that familiar but annoying punch on my stomach. The message was from an unknown number, which was scary enough, but what it said made me go pale and I realized that my breathing was starting to be a little shaky.

Running doesn’t always work. We will find you, Marie Ress.

My hands shake and I look around the store, nervously trying to see who is around me. Just a few women in the store and Inés trying to make her sell. I open the number and don't even recognize where it is from. I immediately blocked it, but it didn’t help the anxiety I felt the whole afternoon. They found my phone? How? I immediately turn it off, knowing that I’ll be without a phone for a few days because I need to throw this one away as soon as I leave my shift.

I got a similar text, back when I arrived at my first destination in Canada and immediately threw my phone away and buyed a ticket for a different place. But now… how? Is it possible that they find me everywhere I go?

I spent the rest of the day jumping every time the bell on the door rang, I almost screamed when someone tapped my shoulder just to ask me a question and I kept looking at the street, through one of the store’s windows, scared that maybe they could walk in at any moment and find me. But everything was normal, except the fact that my phone was still off and was going to remain that way. It’s a burner phone, I could find another one quickly but if they found this burner phone, then it was over, they could find the next one.

I almost feel scared to walk home when the afternoon ends. I looked over my shoulder the entire time I made my way to my apartment, worried that someone may follow me. I found the first trash bucket that I saw on the street and tossed my phone on it, not even wanting to see it again.

My first paycheck from the boutique may be a new phone, but now I’m thinking that maybe not having a traceable electronic device on me is the best for now. Uncommunicated and scared, that's how I felt when I finally made it home that Monday afternoon.

And I wonder if this is what is going to be like now, me being so scared and reaching for every distraction of it, but not being able to escape what’s chasing me. Is my life destined to constantly run away from them?

Chapter Text

Chapter 25: “Like you.”

<3

I stayed without a phone for the whole week because I was afraid of buying myself a ticket back to hell.

I realized that any positive thoughts or feelings that were going through my head were gone. Every plan I was trying to make was slowly breaking and I didnt know how to stop it. I was getting so shocked by fear that it stopped me, suddenly everything stopped motion.

The walks were a torture. Walking to the métro, seeing faces look at me in quilt curios look that I will overthink until my hands start to shake. I suddenly pay attention to everything around me. The sound of people breathing, where their eyes are directed at, what they are doing with their phones, the sounds of the doors opening and closing, the announcing voice of each gate.

It was terrifying. To be so scared of everything.

My job was the worst part of it. This was a high boutique, the métro taking more than twenty five minutes to arrive. In the most expensive part of the city, different from the bar that was in a pretty central place of the city. Now, every person walking in was someone I was scared of. “High profile” people scared me, I ran away from them for a reason.

They are a mask, a scam, a cold hearth company of people that just worry about numbers and checks. They will do the unthinkable to make it, to keep it, to have power drip over their hands.

And I had to face them, each time. I have to smile at them, follow them around, help them find the things they are looking for. And I’m also paranoiac, staring at them, paying attention if they are paying too much attention to me, checking over their shoulders when they are not looking at what they are doing on their phone.

I’m sure I look like a creep on the security cameras, especially when the ringbell of the door makes me jump, which is almost every time. I was doing sales and the numbers, at least I was not failing on that, but all the customer service part of the job was going wrong.

I was not okay and it was getting harder to hide.

This afternoon, on my shift from 12pm to 4pm, I started my shift by fixing myself up. The uniform is all about the professional look. I put my short hair up, I wear nice black dresses that are the closest I have in comparison to my co workers and use makeup to hide the fact I haven't been sleeping. Then, I organize the place and turn on the lavender vaporizers. I clean the mirrors while waiting on Inés to walk through the door.

She does not, but Élise walks in with a happy smile. I thought it was the dirt of the mirror, but after wiping it off I still saw her. She was there, dressed in the most beautiful white dress that ended on her knees and high heels that made her look so tall and elegant. Her black coat and glasses ended her look. She was a show stopper.

“Hi, Ress!” She runs to me quickly, giving me a hug. She smells like a cologne I used to have, back then. “Guess we share a shift today!”

I was so deeply relieved to see her that my expression couldn’t match my feeling. I was tense, but still trying my best to smile back at her.

“I’m so happy to see you. Never thought we had a shift together.” I smile at her and put away the cleaning supplies, while she makes her way to the back of the desk.

“Oh, I asked for the change.” Élise mentions, casually taking her glasses and coat off. “I was so sad about not playing on Underground, because we are getting paid more in other bars. And that also meant seeing you less, so now at least we can see each other at work, right?”

I didn’t realize she would try to reach for me. Maybe she really wanted to be my friend and try to be closer. Or she had a weird interest in me, which made me even more scared because what if she is one of them. I didn’t realize any of them were trying to reach me.

I brush the crazy idea of my brain, trying to enjoy the fact I can keep a conversation during my shift with someone I actually know. The week without a phone also meant a week where my conversations were Inés, if she was feeling like it, and Tina and Lisa only while at work.
Inés is too cold. This is the first time ever I see Élise alone, most of the time we hang out with other people and don’t ever have one on one conversations.

She is really chatty, talking about the clothing and promotion, she even comments on the outfits some customers are wearing, she talks about the band and her classes, she talks about Tina as well, and I liked the fact she never waited for me to share something back. She was happy with sharing and me only listening.

By the half of our shift, no customers had come in for around 20 minutes, so I walk around the store putting clothes back on their place while Élise follow me behind me, talking about the band.

“...And I keep telling them that social media is the only way we have, but Reid is so lazy with it and Moshe, oh my god! Moshe denies as if he is scared of it. Is so annoying when we are so talented and that’s literally part of the deal, right?” She wines behind me, organizing the perfume shelf behind the desk.

I just hum in agreement, concentrating on my task. “I see how that is frustrating.”

She rolls her eyes, helping me to accommodate some items. “They are so annoying, and that’s not all. I swear I’m only still their friend because I love them too much, but I have so many embarrassing stories to tell.” she giggles.

“You don’t have to.” I chuckle, actually not minding to hear it. “I think Reid will mind.”

“When we first met you, god! All day long asking about you. And now it is the same, it’s exhausting.” Élise shakes her head in laughs.

I blush, feeling a little exposed and embarrassed when I ask. “Reid asks about me a lot?” I actually think it’s actually cute and makes my stomach flutter.

“Yeah, a lot. Tina is tired of him. Moshe too. He is so pushy.” Élise laughs it off and walks back to the desk, to start doing the counting of the day when the perfume shelf is done.

However, I'm still confused. For her, it was a stupid comment on a dumb situation. For me, she just said something that completely took me off. Because I could stand and understand why Reid would ask Tina questions about me. But Moshe? Why?

I walk to the desk, casually leaning over while laying my elbows on it, and watching Élise work. “Did you just say Moshe?” I giggle, trying to look chill about my question. “Why would he ask about me?” I play with one of the accessories laying on the desk to distract myself.

Élise only shrugs. “I’ve been asking him the same question.” She looked up from her notes. “He always asks about you, if you are coming or what you are up to. Now that I think about it, he may be doing it for Reid.” she shrugs.

Reid will be too shy to ask? Doesn’t sound like him at all. I don’t push it, just continue to finish my last task and be ready to leave out the door as soon as I can. It was Wednesday, which meant I had to work at the bar today and only had two hours to change and eat before my next shift.

“Oh my god! Look, Ress. I’m not crazy.” Élise called me and walked to me, showing me her phone, the screen with her conversation with Moshe. “He is asking if you’ll come to the bar we are playing this weekend.”

“Oh, I can’t…” I start to shake my head.

“I know, I keep telling him. He is so annoying.” Élise rolls her eyes, but pure affection pouring out of her when she starts to reply, completely ignoring how nervous this made me. “Tina always says he looks like he's into you or something.” She laughs, making me remember that indeed Tina said that and I never noticed, but why did she?

At the end of the day, I don’t know Moshe. Yes, he is a friend of Reid but what else? Why is he asking so much for me? Wanting me around? He never does it directly, never to me, we don’t even have long conversations, he does to other people. I guess I have some questions for Tina tonight.

“Hey, what happened to your phone? Jeni says she’s been writing you to get the painting.” Élise casually mentions at the end of our shift, we were walking out after closing our shift tap and the next staff arrived.

I nervously laugh about it. “Oh, it broke. An accident, I’m really clumsy.” I’m begging for her to take it as it is.

“Oh, no! That’s so sad, Ress. Sorry.” She gives me a hug that I happily take. Is nice.

“Is okay, I’ll just save for a new one. Not a big deal.” I play it cool. I know they know my “situation now”, but sharing the reason why I get rid of my phone makes me uncomfortable, sharing too much.

“I’ll let Jeni know. Rich just got a free weekend from his job, he can do your tattoo if you’ll like.”

I make a face. “Umm, I don’t think I can pay.”

“Ress… c’mon.” She squeezes my hand, giving a smile. “Just let me know so we can make it happen, okay?”

I nod, pulling her for a hug because I know she knows why she is doing it. She is helping. They are helping. I have people that can help me. But then again, the idea of Moshe being too interested in me made me nervous. I just got rid of my phone because of threads, I’m allowed to be nervous.

Me and Élise part our ways at the gate, we need to take different trains to get home. Then, I spent my whole trip back home wondering if I should get myself something that helps with anxiety. I might need it. But I don’t know what.

I made sure to look behind my shoulder when I was by the door of the building, while I walked up the stairs and when I was opening the door to my apartment. I was high alert and probably would look like a crazy person in the eyes of someone else. I was becoming one, I guess.

I use my free time as fast as I can, showering as soon as I get home, knowing that if I wait until sunset, it will be too cold to handle. I cooked, trying to use it as a distraction for the past days of fear and tiredness. Finally, I make my way to my bed and lay down, knowing I still have a long night full of work and I’m exhausted.

Not having a phone now feels pretty good with me. I’m home alone and nothing can disturb me. Just me and my peace. I have the next couple of hours before I need to head to Underground for my shift.

I was worried about myself. I was nervous, obviously, it's obvious from meters away that I have my guard up. Scared. Paranoic. Anxious. As if I was about to catched. But that’s what it feels like. And I was worried that someone would notice. It was becoming harder to keep it cool and simple, when things are complicated.

I put music on the only entertainment method that I have: my computer. Is old, I made sure it didn’t have any new computer system installed, it makes it easier for me not to be searched. I got it one year before I left, when I first started planning my way out.

I start to pull away some clothes, my apartment being too messy from the days of me not feeling myself. Then, I’m completely shocked in fear because there’s a knock at my door. I stay still, as if that would help me.

But then, the sound is on again. I shake my head, putting the clothes on my hands. I stare at the door, trying to figure out who could be outside and I quickly look in my visor to check. Jeni, Rich, Reid and Moshe are outside my door, which reliefs me but also fills me with questions.

I can’t hide my frown at opening the door, I’m really confused by them being here.

“Hey, girl!” Jeni kisses both of my checks as soon as I open the door and comes inside.

“Um, hi.” I say, walking out of her way. Rich followed, just giving me a nod and a smile before coming in.

Moshe hugged me, as I stayed there not really understanding why they were here and how little to not ready I was for visitors at the moment.

“You look good, Ress.” Moshe finally says, heading inside without an invite too.

I stay at the door, looking at Ress that is standing in the corner, hands in his pocket, grin on his face. He looks really pretty in daylight, his eyes and hair look brighter and he has this kind of glow.

“I told them we shouldn’t do this.” He finally says, giving me an apologetic look.

I snicker softly, looking down at my feet because the way he looks at me just keeps getting me more nervous. “It’s fine… I have to go to the bar, tho.”

“Yeah, and I told them that. I’ll make sure we are out before it, I swear.” Reid walks slowly to get closer.

I nod, moving aside so he can come in too. He gives my hip a squeeze while he walks inside, leaving me frozen for a second out of such a casual but intimate touch.

“I’m sorry for the mess, you guys.” I casually mention, while closing the door. All my painting stuff was messy all around the corner, my bed was full of stuff and I had a chair full of laundry undone. “I wasn’t really expecting visits…”

“We won’t be long.” Jeni mentions, she had already found the painting I did of them where it was hanging on the wall. “Sorry we show up like this, your phone is broken, Élise said?”

“Um, yeah.” I walk quickly to my bed, to put some clothes aside so Moshe and Reid can take a seat.

They don’t sit down, tho. All of them standing in the corner and looking at my paintings. Then, I felt my blood come out of my body and feel like I was about to get pale. Because there it was, my painting of Reid that was still unfinished but clear to view. If I had known someone was coming, I would have hid it.

Even the fact that I started to paint it was embarrassing enough. They seeing it, especially Reid, made it way worse. Now I had to pray the unfinished details help me lie my way through it if they mention anything.

“Hey, Ress, you have some good brush tecniche here.” Rich says, looking at me from over his shoulder and then back to the painting. “You took classes or something?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t finish tho.” I lie, still putting things away to distract myself. I saw Moshe and Reid mumbling to each other. I realize now that Élise's comments made me more nervous about Moshe. Never saw him and felt nervous, now I was worried about what he was even doing here.

“Can we take the painting now?” Jeni walks to me, taking a seat on the chair I happened to make empty now. I threw all the mess in the closet. “The band will have concerts in some universities next month. We will be traveling for a few weeks, some different towns and we need, like, great promo. We are running late, tho, so we need to take some pictures of it asap.” She shows me her phone, all the different dates they have to play.

“Of course, you can take it. This looks like so much fun, I’m glad they are getting bigger.” I glance at Moshe and Reid, they mumble conversation now joined by Rich.

“I know! Me, too! It has been so hard since their first EP. And now is an album that is lowkey making me go insane, but I'm glad our work is paying off.” Jeni proudly mentions.

I forget how much Jeni is involved in the bad in general. She is the reason why the band gets gigs and promotions, she films the videos and takes the photos. She makes their visual image and I can’t even imagine how hard that work must be.

“We will of course take the painting back to you, right babe?” She asks Rich, who immediately stops paying attention to Rich and Moshe, and nods to whatever words she said, because he did not listen.

“Is okay. You can keep it.” I shrug. “I’ll pack it for you.”

I walk to my painting corner, Moshe and Reid’s conversation stopping as soon as they see me get closer. I take out the glassine paper and tape from one of the drawers and pick up the painting to put it on the floor and start working on it.

Reid kneels down beside me, helping me to unwrap the paper. “Need help?”

I don’t, but it’s nice, so I nod. “Thank you.” Is still shocking to me how much he can make me nervous. Not in a bad way now, but in a good annoying way. In the way that I actually like him, so him speaking to me makes me feel like I’m going to throw up.

Our hands brush each other all the time he helps me with the wrapping, each time he will catch my eyes and give me a smile. And I was stupidly smiling back.

“You are painting more I see?” He mentions helping me to cut the tape.
I focus my eyes on the paper, ignoring his eyes for my own good. “Yeah, it's therapeutic for me…”

“Hard days?” His fingers touch mine, he does not even try to make it casual. I look at him now, nodding but showing at the same time.

“I’m okay, tho.”

He doesn’t say anything, just giving me a final, not convincing nod.

“Make sure they don’t break the frame of the canvas. Changing it ruins the painting.” I mention, starting to pull myself up and Reid is already there, offering me his hand.

“Don’t worry. Can this be framed?” Rich is the one that answers, taking the painting and holding it down his arm.

“Sure. It actually helps them not to be damaged. I haven’t done it because…”

“It 's okay.” Jeni says, walking to us but looking down at her phone. “We will take care of it.”

I see Moshe standing by the window now, he is looking outside and seems to ignore our conversation. I wonder what he is looking at, or he may just be thinking. Either way, it makes me nervous. I wish he didn’t look as suspicious. But someone staring at the window shouldn’t be suspicious.

“Élise said you want some tattoos, uh?” Rich says, making my gaze at Moshe break.

“Yeah, I mean, that sounds fun.” I giggle, trying to make this sound as casual as possible but I’ve never gotten any tattoos, so this conversation is new to me. I was hoping for Tina to set it all up.

“I have a flash tattoo event next month, so I have some new materials. You can come by this weekend.” Rich offered.

“It will be so much, Ress. Tina said you are planning on getting a sleeve, I can help you choose. Made a mood board and all.” She passed me her phone again, the gallery full of different tattoos.

“What’s a sleeve?” I ask Reid. He gives me a grin, his eyes getting soft as he looks between me and his friends.

“Is your arm full with tattoos, they can be all different designs or the same one. Depends on you. The idea is no space clear from ink.” He explains, taking the opportunity to look at Jeni’s moodboard over my shoulder. “Didn’t know you wanted a tattoo.” He mumbles, making my skin shiver when his breath hits my neck.

I clear my throat, giving Jeni her phone back. “It was Tina’s idea. I don’t really know much about this. How long does it take for the sleeve? Like more than two hours? I have work.”

Rich laughs, shaking his head. “Oh, no, we can’t tattoo a full sleeve on you in one go. It's a process. A few tattoos one day, then others, until you have a sleeve.”

“Sounds like a lot of work.” I give Jeni her phone back. “I’ll choose some and let you know?” I ask, not really knowing what I am even going to do for tattoos. Or in general.

“Text them to me, I need to make the stills.” Rich holds the painting harder and groans softly to his girlfriend. “Can we please leave? I’m going to miss my class.”

“I know, I know…” she takes her bag.

“Can I take the ride? I have a clase too.” Moshes asked from the window, the place he had not moved away from.

“Okay, but let’s move people! I’m failing this class.” Rich called out. Jeni kisses me goodbye, Reid and Moshe talking once more before Rich laughs, approaching them and punches Reid softly with his shoulder. “Leave him alone, he wants to have privacy with his girl.” he teased.

Reid gives him a push back, before the three of them laugh and say goodbye. They all leave me alone with Reid.

“Sorry about Rich.” He immediately says. I just giggle, brushing it away.

“It 's fine. I notice he’s always joking with you guys. It’s fun to watch.” I mentioned walking to the kitchen to get something to drink.

“Yeah, he’s an ass.” He said, but he’s smiling.

“Want something?” He denies, so I take water for just myself and set myself a think to give me time and think why did he stayed. We haven’t spoken since I threw my phone away, I imagine he may have sent some unreplied texts.

“So your phone broke, I heard?” I heard Reid say. I nod, swallowing the water as slow as possible to take away how weird my stomach and throat feel. He casually lends over the small land in my kitchen. “That explains a lot.” He laughs, shaking his head.

“What do you mean?”

He changed the subject. “Sorry about your phone, I know money is hard.” Reid gave me a soft smile and I took it.

“It’s okay, though. Didn’t use it much.” I brush it away. “Jeni said you guys have concerts next month, you will travel.” I sat in one of the kitchen island’s free chairs, keeping my distance from him but now closer.

“Yeah, it’s very good for us, money coming in more often than just bar gigs, you know?” Reid sits next to me, moving the chair so he is facing me and I have no other choice but to face him too.

“Sounds like some much fun, you’ll be on the road for a while, um?” I rest my check on my hand, my shoulder on the counter, close to his hand.

Reid nods, he is doing that thing where he looks at me till the point he is no longer looking at me. “Yeah, around a month.” He answers when his eyes find mine again.

“Is this the band’s first unofficial tour?”

“That’s why Jeni is going crazy.” He jokes, his hand moving closer so the tip of his fingers touch the skin of my shoulder and arm. He stays quiet for a moment, his eyes again on me but not really. I move my hand, leaving the spot on my cheek to lay down my palm on the corner next to him.

Our fingers softly touch each other and he looks at me again. And smiles, making my chest jump a little.

“Sorry if me staying now was weird.” Reid mumbles, his hand now fully grabbing mine and his thumb made his way, scrubbing my hand.

“It’s not, I didn’t mind.” I answered him, almost too quickly.

Reid’s pleased smile goes bigger and now his other hand finds knee, leading forward to be a little closer. “I’m not going to lie, I got a little worried when you didn’t answer my texts.”

I giggle nervously. “Why? I’m always just at work.”

Reid hums, his hand on my knee moving to my check, pulling strays of hair away from my face, slowly and patiently, making me feel dizzy. “Just me thinking you maybe don’t even like me sometimes.”

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise, to then frown in confusion. “Why would you think that?”

Someone who walks around so confident, I was even surprised the thought came through his head. I was actually expecting him to think I was more into him than I actually was.

My question seems to please him and he just mumbles, while stroking my cheek. “We all have some crazy thoughts that scare us, right?”

I nod, staring at his eyes but then I start to shake my head. “I do like you, you know?” I squeezed his hand and unconsciously moved on the chair, so our knees were touching.

Reid pleasantly smirks, “I like you, too, Ress.”

He started it. Or I did. I couldn’t really notice, we were just kissing so deeply but soft that my toes were curling and my hands were quick to find his neck. His soft hair was there for me to grab each time he bit on my lower lip. His hands were on my hips, squeezing and touching as much as he could.

“I have to get ready for work soon.” I say, breathless, after pulling away.

He only nods, leading back to kiss me again. I let him, wanting to not care for a second. I liked this random make up season. I was not ready for it but it definitely changed my mood today. It was becoming very usual for Reid to be the only good thing to be happening and that was becoming worrying for me.

But while I figured it out, I just enjoyed it.

“Can I go with you for your tattoos?” He suddenly asked, when we stayed quiet for a while, taking our breaths back.

It relieves me to know that he will be there. He has tattoos, he must know what the deal is. But it also surprised me that he wanted to be there. “Sure… that’ll be great for my nerves, actually. Thank you.” I stroke the hair on the back of his neck.

“You don’t have a phone, so just let me know with Tina if you want.” He suggested. I didn’t realize how my lack of a phone would interfere with my communications with him until now. Especially when the band will be away, it will be impossible for me to speak with them.

“I will get a phone… one of those old ones, you know.” Especially because I’ve been reading that older phones are harder to track.

For a few moments, Reid doesn’t tell me anything. He looks at me as if in a question. He can’t find the sense or reason for it, it just is a question.

“Ress… are you okay?” He asks me, suddenly ruining the mood for you.

“Of course I am.” my nervous laugh gets a little more weird so I quickly stop it.

I know why he is asking, which makes it worse, but Reid simply nods, kissing me again.

This time is faster, deeper and a little messy. We still tried to keep distance from each other, the time being against us, but our hands were making sure we could touch each other as much as we could. And it ended so quickly I found myself almost whining when his lips left mine.

“I have class and work, too.” Reid pulls away, standing up. I follow him, walking him to the door.

“What is your class about?”

“Is a Creative Writing course, we have different genres each semester. We are working on novels now.”

“Are you a novelist? Or do you see yourself more as a poet?” I ask, leading on the door to wait for him to grab his stuff.

He coffs a soft laugh. “I guess now I’m trying to figure it out.” He walks closer to me, invading all my personal space and I happily lay my head on the door to catch his gaze. “See you this weekend, right?”

“Right.” I get to mutter before his lips are on mine once more.

I was feeling divided on how comfortable and good this made me feel, just making up with Reid. Being with Reid. Speaking with Reid. He was comfortable, safe, a distraction, something that makes me feel good. It was necessary for me to start putting some distance, before his kiss leaves me worse than now that my legs are shaking and my stomach is on fire.

He is burning me and I think I’ll let him for a while.

Chapter Text

Chapter 26: “Strange”

<3

Reid

I was six years old when I first experienced heartbreak. I clearly did not understand that until years later. But since then, I’ve been obsessed with love. What love can become and destroy. What love lives for and dies for. When you love a friend, when you love your mom, when you love a partner. And after years of thinking about the same, I discover that each one of them is extremely painful. No exceptions.

Love lives for pain, it encourages it, it needs it, search for it. As if the feeling itself was so powerful, it became self destructive.

This is what our first album is about. How painfully beautiful love is, like every other band out there. And I still need to review a few lyrics, being behind my work. Moshe was upset with the small producer we paid for the recordings, Jeni was so stressed it was stressful to see, Élise was walking around with a hundred tasks because she only trusted me and Moshe with the music. Even Rich was doing work assigned by his girlfriend for all the preparation done for the small tour we will have.

I’m transcribing all the lyrics to the computer now, Jeni requested it to do lyrics videos. She’s so into the band I’m not willing to not work, even if they definitely only trust me around the lyrics for the music. My phone vibrated and notifications and I took a quick look, hoping Ress told me she got a phone. But it isn’t her. I lock my phone, so the ring of the incoming call can shut off.

It’s not okay how much I think about Ress. Not always in the right ways, or at least that’s what she’ll think. News about her are on TV every day. I once googled her name, the real one, and the amount of articles to read overwhelmed me. I can’t even think what it does for her.

But no none of them are new. Every single one of them stopped narrating when she arrived in Montreal. After that, they all say there are no updates and that the case is still open.

Moshe always said I picked small obsessions. I once watched the same movie ten times in one single day. Writing itself came from the obsession I took for reading. I became obsessed with playing instruments and stopped only at the guitar, because it was the first and only one I learned how to play.

Now, I am obsessed with checking updates on all the news about Ress. Everything seems fine, which means, there’s no new information and no one knows where she is. No update means she is okay, she has been undercover, the secret is still there. I know that the second I see an update about her being here, she will disappear. I can almost see it happening.

So the obsession for checking the news was also like a ticking clock. It was an expiration date, the day she will leave and never look back. And I was praying it never came, even if that was selfish with the crying parents on every news about her.

She wanted to be here. Or at least, she doesn’t want to be with them.
.
Feeling already distracted from work, I grab my pack of cigars and lighter, and I make my way to the balcony. I need to clear my head from her. The secret made it hard for me to not make imaginary assumptions. None of them makes sense, all articles are the same, everyone says the same about her, nothing new or that gives a clue or why did she run away.

They don’t know she did? That’s why they are searching for her? Or she is running from them as I can obviously suspect, because she doesn't even mention them. Even the idea of asking her makes me nervous, she will never answer and get upset. What I don’t understand is why. What did they do? What happened? Why isn’t Ress asking for help if they are the bad guys? What happened to her?

I notice Moshe laying on the sofa. Focused on the screen of his phone and wearing headphones. I walked past him only to stop myself because I can immediately see Ress’s picture on the screen, while someone speaks on a microphone. Is that a podcast? There’s podcasts about Ress’s case?

I tap on his shoulder, his head immediately moves up and as he sees me, he straightens, turning his phone off quickly.

“Hey.” He smiles, putting his phone away. I follow his moves and then stare at him.

“Was that a podcast?” I curiously asked, putting my unlight cigarette between my lips.

“Um…” Moshe stares down at where he put his phone, “yeah, kinda… yeah.” He slowly nods.

I narrow my eyes, knowing that he is not telling me something. He looks more tense than usual, and that is weird for him. Moshe is the most anxious person I know, besides Ress, but today he looks on edge. He looks as if I catched him on something.

“C’mon.” I say and start to walk to the balcony.

Moshe follows me, I pass him my pack so he can take one cigar for himself. I use my hand to cover the wind, lighting my smoke waiting as he does the same.

Moshe can read me as much as I can read him. We’ve known each other for too long, it kinda becomes against us, to be able to know what’s wrong with the other so quickly. But it’s also good, because we can go straight to the point.

“Why are you weird about it?” I ask him, not understanding what can be shared in a random podcast that is not of our knowledge now.

Moshe simply shrugs, focusing on his smoke. I move around, so he can face me. Exhaling the smoke, I try to figure out if I know what’s on his mind, but for the first time in many months, I have no idea what the fuck is going on his head.

“Hey,” I tap on to give him a soft pouch on the arm, “it’s just a podcast.” I try to laugh about it, but his face is still serious and his eyes avoid me, so I quickly get in his mood. “Okay, what the fuck is going on?”

“Nothing. Just don’t want you to be mad at me.” Moshe mumbles, before taking another sip of his cigar.

“Why? Because you are searching for information about Ress’s news?” I gave him a shameful smile. “I do it, too. Sounds more like a thing that would upset Ress rather than me.”

“Maybe I thought you'd be mad on her behalf.”

Moshe’s staring at the street, looking at all the people walking around. He’s been staring at the windows lately, all the time, right and left on the street when we are outside smoking, looking always behind him when we walk. I may have brushed it away till now, that is more obvious something is up.

I’ve seen Moshe in so many different versions of himself. After practically growing up together, we’ve seen enough of our good and bad sides. Last time I saw him like this, his father had passed. He never cried, being serious and quiet was his choice. He also stopped eating, so he stopped taking his anxiety pills. And he looked exactly like now. It wasn’t until months later that he finally broke down, regretting the guild of not saying goodbye to him combined with the relief of his death.

At that time, it was easier for me because I deep down knew what was bothering him. The reason was right there, even if I did end up finding out things he had never mentioned about his father before. Now, it’s harder because I have no idea what about Ress can make him like this, as if he was nervous and worried but also tense and on edge.

“Why would I? I just said I’m doing the same.” I breathe out a cloud of smoke, turning around to stare down the street just like him. Nothing looks out of the ordinary.

For a few moments, we smoke in silence while I wait for that wall of Moshe’s to slowly burn down and open up. It always works, I just wait until it gets to the point for him where he needs to speak about it. And I’m patient.

“Do you know who Ress's parents are?” Moshe suddenly asks, taking me by surprise.

I frown. “I mean… I’ve seen them on the news.”

Moshe looks at me, he looks almost concerned but there’s something on his eyes I don’t recognize. “No, I mean, have you searched for Ress’s parents online?”

I shake my head, “Have you?”

He doesn’t say anything, turning off his cigar on the improvised astray we had outside. “You should google them.” Before walking inside, he turns around. “By the way, your mom called.” and he leaves me alone, as if we didn’t just have the more confusing conversation.

Finishing my smoke, I checked my phone and saw the missing calls, to then quickly turn it off when another call rings on. Brushing it away, I concentrate on the other subject.

I never paid too much attention to Ress parents, maybe one part of me did believe they were just worried about her. At the end of the day, they are crying on every news airing. I found myself quickly going back to my room, sitting in front of my computer and quickly searching for the news articles with Ress’s parents' names. Their pictures and names are everywhere, entreviews, the search for her with the police, and press conferences.

I opened one the most recent press conference, the one that aired more than six months ago. Their chief of police is the first one speaking, talking on not updates of the case and the funds they are investing on the search for Ress.

Then, it’s her parents' turn. Her mother looks so elegant and put together, it creates a contrast with her big under eyes circles, tears and pale face. Her father looked like a wall, impenetrable, hard. He had a serious look on his face the whole time, he looked cold and distant. The audience sobbed as soon as Ress’s mother started to cry.

“Today… It’s been two years and two months since the last time I saw my daughter. I still remember the last words we shared, the last hug I gave her.” She wipes her tears, her voice breaking. “I’ve been praying everyday that the updates are positive. But when they aren’t, they just don't exist. And there’s nothing that kills a mother more than not knowing where their child is.”

Ress’s father comforts her mother. A simple shoulder squeeze. I snooze the video, going forward to see if her father is ever in front of the microphone. He is, right before the end. I read his name appearing on the screen as soon as he spoke: Ruy Stefan Elizandria.

“We’ve been speaking with the police to have the possibility to up the reward. We are willing to do whatever is necessary to find our daughter safe. We hope that whoever has her, please put your hand on your heart. Marie Ress is missed back home. Please give her back to us.”

I stare at their faces, wondering what I’m about to find out. Ress has never mentioned her reasons to run away, she never mentioned running away in the first place. And now, I stare at their parents' faces wondering if I’m about to find something and if the answer was always in front of me.

I googled her mother’s name first, just thinking maybe I’ll get no results besides the news. But I do, finding that both of them have wikipedia pages. I also find news articles that are not about Ress’s but about their careers. They are fucking politicians and I’m just finding out. I should’ve suspected it when I saw the videos of Ress’s house on the news.

Feeling a little guilty to maybe find something that Ress didn’t want me to know, I still go over and read their pages because now I can’t just pretend I don’t have questions.

“Janine Rose Elizandria, previously called Janine Rose Jeanne, (born August 31, 1982) is a politician, media personality, and businesswoman who serves as senator.

Janine Rose graduated from the National University with a bachelor's degree in fashion marketing in 2003. She became president of her father's fashion business in 2010 and grew the business to more than 700 stores around the country.

She founded the beauty brand Roses from 2004 to 2015, she co-produced and hosted the reality television series The Next Look!, a show to promote both her fashion and makeup business.”

I stop reading, feeling overwhelmed. They are basically millionaires and with power. Opening her father’s page next, I find myself not being shocked at him being ten times richer than his wife.

“Ruy Stefan Elizandria III ( born December 28, 1955), is a billionaire business magnate, philanthropist, and investor best known for being the prime hereditor of his father’s hotel business, holding the positions of chairman, chief executive officer (CEO) and president while also being its largest individual shareholder.

He was Mayor of his home town from 1999 to 2007, being the first Mayor to be re-elected in the history of the town's founding…”

“Salut!” Élise storms inside, opening the door with a loud noise, making me jump and, as a reflex, put my computer’s screen down. Élise stares at me with an eyebrow arched and a smirk. “What were you doing?”

“Nothing…”

I feel like a teenager getting caught watching porn. And her accusatory eyes were not helping.

“D’accord…” Élise smirks get more devious as she walks inside and gets comfortable on my bed, taking her shoes off and laying down. “It looks like you were committing a crime, you have an online girlfriend again?”

I cringe and sigh as I shake my head. “She was never my girlfriend, we were pen pals.”

“Anyways…” she rolls her eyes. “Did you finish the transcripts?”

“I’m on it.”

But Élise frowns, her expression completely changing. “Due friday.”

“I know.”

“And you better don’t take longer because…”

“Can I ask you a question?” I suddenly asked her.

Élise stops, mouth drops, she tries to say something but then just shuts up and waits.

“Are your parents politicians?” I just want to make sure that I know the difference of power between being rich and being rich with political power. One definitely sounds more dangerous than the other.

Élise laughs, her whole face changing. “What the fuck? Why do you suddenly care about my parents?”

“No suddenly.” I defend, “I tell you to say hi to your mom for me all the time.”

“You know what I mean, where is this coming from?” She sits straight, to look directly at me.

I shrug, “Curious.”

“Liar.”

I stare into her eyes, hoping I can break her but Élise looks like she wants to kill me. She has a soft spot for Moshe, maybe being the fact that he lets her do anything she wants. However, I try my best to keep my soft pout and I stare into her.

Élise laughs at me, but she still answers: “They are not. So?”

“Nothing.” I told her. I stand up and make my way to the hallway. “Let’s get Moshe, we need to have practice done before 6pm today, I have homework.”

I hear her yell: “Good luck with that, his door is locked.” Which makes sense why Élise is in my room, she enjoys invading Moshe’s personal space more than me. She says he's more fun.

Stopping in front of his door, I can't hear any noise to tell what he is doing. I try to get in and quickly hear the lock on. I start knocking.

“Élise is here, we have practice!”

“Give me five!” The only thing he screams back and then again, is all deep silence.

I’m still confused while I make my way to my door, so I can tell Élise we should be setting everything up. Instead, she almost crashed into me when she’s walking out, her phone in her ear.

“... Of course, no problem. Here he is.” and she hands me her phone. I frown, staring at her, and she mouths “it's your mom”, making my shoulders fall and my jaw get tense.

I take her phone. “Why are you calling Élise?”

“Because you don’t take my calls, teddy bear.” My mother wins on the phone line.

“Don’t call her again. She is my friend, not your secretary.” I walk inside my room, not wanting Élise to hear the same fight over again.

“More like your secretary, sweetie, you could just take my call.”

I left out a deep breath, less than a minute in this conversation and I’m already losing my mind. “What do you want?”

“I’m sorry, teddy bear, you know I hate doing this to you…”

“Yeah, what is it?” I cut her off, knowing what her next words will be. I’ll be hearing them for a while now.

I hear her cough before answering “I’m getting kicked out of the room.”

“What? Why? I paid the whole year.” I try to keep my tone low, even though I feel like screaming.

“I know, but I asked for the rent money back…”

“What?” I ask more loudly than I would like. Passing my hand through my face, I try to brush again the exasperation. “What the fuck? When?”

“Don’t scream at me.” She groans. “I needed it.”

“Yeah, for rent! What the fuck did you spend it on?” I start to walk in circles around the room, I’m getting so mad I need to let it out somehow.

“Oh, teddy bear, don’t be mad at me…”

“You know what?” I let a loud sigh out, feeling exhausted already. “Don’t say anything. I’ll handle it. Don’t call this number anymore, okay?”

“How are you going…”

“Okay?”

“Damn, okay.”

I hung up, holding Élise's phone with a thigh grab as I held the urge to throw it at the wall. I quickly blocked my mother’s number on Élise's phone before turning to find her. She was standing by my door, giving me a sympathetic smile.

“I don’t mind that she calls me.” She tries to be nice.

“That’s not the point, but thank you.”

I find my phone and go around my account, realizing I can’t pay all the amount as I did before. It took me months to save it full at the end of the day. The anger had my cheeks turned red and my leg started shaking as I called the landlord to promise her that I will pay her right now for two months and then will send the rest.

“Please don’t ever give any refunds to her, okay? Nothing. No refund if I don’t ask for it.” I finish the call, sending the money as the last thing I do before groaning, frustrated, and letting my head fall into my hands.

I feel Élise sitting next to me on my bed, giving my arm soft strokes as I tried to put myself together.

“You know, if you need help…”

“No,” I quickly answered. Worried I was maybe too rude about it, I grab her chin and squeeze it, smiling as I continue. “Thank you, chérie, vraiment, but no, okay?”

Élise nods, staying in silence for a few seconds and then mumbles: “Is she…?”

“I’m guessing. What else would she take the money for?” I shake my head, standing up. “Let’s not talk about it, I’m going to find Moshe.”

I walk out of the room before she can answer. Élise knows how much my day is ruined after my mom calls, even if I still hope that it should be different, that her call should make me happy. I knocked on Moshe’s door, more loudly this time. He quickly answered the door now.

“What were you doing in there?” I frown at him, trying to take a look inside his room. Everything looks normal.

“Masturbating.” He says in his tone so serious that if he weren’t my friend, I wouldn’t know if he was joking. He closes his door behind him and starts walking.

“Élise’s in my room.” I say, watching him walk all the way to the living room.

“I’ll wait for you guys there. I need a smoke.” He simply says, not looking back. I arch my eyebrow, trying to understand if I’m actually reaching or he’s acting weird. Maybe he’s high on something. But either way, I can’t figure out what he's thinking.

I walked inside my room, to find Élise sitting on my desk, the computer open in front of her and she was reading the news articles I had read about Ress.

“Putain.” I mumble as I walk closer. She turned on the chair, her face was full of questions and I sadly understood.

She doesn’t say anything for a while and I turn the computer off, not wanting those articles around. “You weren’t supposed…”

“Does Ress know that you are doing this?” She interrupts me. There’s something about her tone that makes me think for more than a few seconds. Élise is quick to judge me and make fun of me, not in a bad way, that’s her love language. But she asked this question with curiosity, not a single among of judgment or complaint.

I shake my head. She nods.

“Please, don’t tell Ress.” I quickly asked her. “She won’t like it, she will think…”

“That she can’t trust you… yeah, I know.” She looks down at her hands, her whole vibe going down and she looks concerned about something.

“Hey, are you okay?”

I hear her sigh before her eyes meet me and Élise is giving me her common smile, just a little smaller this time. “Just thinking… it’s sad that Ress is in trouble, right?”

I nod, fighting the urge to push it but not really wanting to at the same time. I finally decide to just tell her that Moshe is waiting for us and she immediately runs to him. Her look of sadness fading as she finds him and they seem to have made each other’s day.

We have our practice as we all pretend that somehow, we weren’t all a little in our heads.

But, for the first time in a while, I didn’t know what was eating Élise’s mind, much less Moshe’s. I know I can be predictable, but now I’m thinking maybe I’m just surrounded by mysterious people.

Chapter Text

Chapter 27. “Friends.”

<3

I got an old phone. It was a 2005’s edition, the ringtones were the same nostalgic ones. It’s also a burner phone, I can’t have any other contact than texts or calls and that was enough. It has cool games tho.

I knew my opportunities for contact were gonna be limited. So, I took every chance I got to have other people do internet stuff for me. Mostly, it was Tina and Mery, who thankfully let me use her computer sometimes.

I took advantage of my smoke breaks with Tina and told her about the tattoo moodboard. Jeni had already sent it to her, so we scrolled together through it and picked the tattoos. Most of them were simple, the ones with big details Tina advised that will take longer and be more painful.

I spent a few nights wondering if I should text Ried now that I have a phone, but his number went away with the phone I threw away and asking Tina for it was being hard.

I knew she wouldn’t mind, it would make sense in her head, but I couldn’t take myself to ask for it, even if I did want to reach out to Reid all these nights.

Tonight, while I exhale the smoke of my cigar, I realize I may be avoiding him for how comfortable I’m feeling around him, and how much that scares me. And somehow, it’s affecting me. I found myself feeling lonely and missing him.

I don’t even listen to the new band, I can’t even remember what they play or their name. I’ve been too focused on work, or using it to not be in my head. I realize that I like being around him because it’s comfortable and safe and I can’t get used to it.

One thing I promised myself, back when I started to plan how to free myself, is that I couldn't get too comfortable in one place. Always needed to be ready to get out and leave. I knew that my destiny was to keep running and lately I was starting to keep peace with that. And not allowing myself to get too close to Reid was part of it.

But the other part of me, the one that felt lonely and anxious, missed the comfortable feeling. How distracting, how quiet my head gets when I’m around Reid because it gets full of him. Selfishly, I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, even knowing it could end any day.

But can I be that mean to him? I can’t dare.

“Hey, did you get a new phone already?” I heard Tina ask me. She was typing on her phone. “Élise is asking, she said is tired of Reid asking her.” She giggles.

I softly smile at the thought of him waiting for my text and then I quickly turn sad. I’m already turning this into something that can only end badly. I’m already making him wait for something I probably can’t give. And I feel guilty.

“Don’t do that.”

“What?” I frown at the sound of her mumble.

Tina put her phone away, looking at me with serious eyes. “I know what you're doing.”

“Having a smoke?” I sarcastically say, but she it’s not having it.

“Pushing people away and feeling lonely it’s not the right way. Believe me, being there done that.” Tina gives me a smile, a different take on her serious tone. “Reid’s nice to you, it’s okay if you like him.”

I avoid her eyes, continuing to smoke in silence for a few seconds. I don’t think Tina fully understands, even if I know she means well. She’s not being chased, no one is after her and it makes it easier for her. And I’m not mad about her not being at my place, I just know her advice doesn’t apply to me. But she doesn’t know that, so I can’t blame her for that either.

So, I simply shrug. “I just don’t think it’s fair to him.”

“Did he say that?”

I shake my head, but I clearly haven’t been able to have that conversation with him. It feels like the point of no return, the moment when he could clearly decide what I already know: this is pointless. But maybe I am getting ahead of myself. Or maybe he already decided that on his own.

Either way, this feels like a protection wall I have to build up for myself. I rather my phone being something only I know of, this way easier for me to not untrust every person on my contact list.

“I don’t have a phone yet.” I lied to her. “But, um, tell Reid I’ll see him at Rich’s tomorrow, right?” I finish my smoke, knowing our break it’s about to be over and Lisa must be hating us.

“Just hope you don’t start sabotaging yourself. It’s stage two, you know?” Tina stands up, giving me a warm smile. “Don’t hate me for worrying about you.” She rolls her eyes and giggles.

“Of course not, T.” I walk to her, giving her a hug. “Thank you… you are a great friend.” I mumble.

I heard her groan, hugging me more. “Finally you jerk.” She laughs and I laugh with her. “C’mon, Lisa is gonna take half of the tip jar if we don’t come back now.”

I made the decision that it was safer for me if only my landlord, Mery and my manager at the store, Céline, had my number. Which it’s the only reason why I needed a phone, at the end of the day. I asked for all of them to keep my number confidential.

I needed to do whatever I could to feel safe again. I’ve been trying to do the things that are helping me with my chest pain and paranoia. Last thing I needed was to have insomnia, and I knew I was almost getting there.

It’s Saturday, 7am and I'm fully awake already. I’ve been sleeping less and less. Last night I got home around 4am. I wasn’t in bed until I made sure that the door and windows were closed, three times.

So I wasn’t really surprised when my eyes looked red and tired. Under eye circles have been so dark and common for me these last few days that I was worried my makeup was going to run off. I didn’t have the money to get more. Still, I pushed myself to get ready for today.

Not only did Tina arrange it, Élise remembered and mentioned Jeni, who pushed her boyfriend until Rich invited me for the tattoos. Reid offered to go, I don’t even have to pay for the tattoos. I will feel like a horrible person if I don’t go.

They are being nice to me, all of them, and the fact that my guard was still up made me feel ungrateful, even though it comes from a place of protection. But they don’t know that.

By the time I had breakfast and cleaned the kitchen, it was only 9am and I knew Rich told us to come by around noon, so I had a lot of free time ahead of me. I still had uncleaned corners in my house, but that was not on my plans at the moment.

I sit on my desk, checking on my email to make sure I don’t have to keep any information before deleting it and creating a new one. Cassie had that email and after everything that had happened, I’m afraid someone else may have it.

I need to do the same as my phone. A new start. I open the inbox, realizing I have more unread emails than I was hoping for. Some are from Cassie, some I don’t recognize.

I realize I’ve been sitting in silence staring at the screen for a while now. I got completely paralyzed by fear. I don’t remember if I’ve been breathing until I exhale, I choke on my own saliva, my sweaty hands are cold and shaking as they lay on my lap, I don’t even blink until I read the unknown email.

[email protected]
10 days ago

Poor Marie Ress, aren’t you scared enough already?

We will find you.

The same threat repeats again in three more emails, the last being dated 2 days ago.

[email protected]
2 days ago

Be careful who you trust, Marie Ress, because we will find you.

In a rush of adrenaline, I ran to my window to check outside, not even caring that I could look crazy. The street was empty and the buildings close enough to have their windows face mine were closed. Still, I pushed my curtains down, the room becoming dark for only being the middle of the morning.

I check my locks and run to grab the small phone, to check if this number has also been tracked. Nothing. It 's empty.

The last email particularly made me feel nervous. As if actually they were so close. They were trying to scare me and they were being successful.

As I sit back in front of the computer, I quickly open Cassie’s emails, washing for at least some more information on what’s going on there now. The only relief that I had is that any threat has mentioned where I am. But, why would they tell me? Still, I hope deep down Cassie would tell me if she knows something else.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
15 days ago

Ress,

Please answer my calls. I’m begging you.

Cassie.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
13 days ago

Ress,

I know you may think you can’t trust me. I’M SORRY! I didn’t know what to do. I’m scared for you, please answer my calls, I can’t write this down. Please Ress.

Cassie.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
10 days ago

Ress,

Can you at least text me back??!!

Cassie

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
8 days ago

Ress,

I got your text and I feel like the worst person in the world. I just want you to know that I love you and I swear that after that first conversation with the police, we haven’t spoken again.

They did ask me for all that I knew about you and I thought it was for the better to share it. I’m sorry, I felt trapped and I was worried about you. I just hope you know I will never do it again.

I don’t know what 's happening, Ress, but things here are strange. Everyone is looking for you but at the same time, everyone it’s weirdly calm, as if they know you will just appear someday. My parents were the ones that advised me not to speak with the police again. They seem really nervous lately but they don’t tell me anything either.

I can’t go back home. My parents want me to stay on campus and they are selling the house. We are moving and I think everything that 's going on may have something to do with it, but I’m so in the dark I have headaches everyday.

I just wanted you to know, maybe knowing that I’m not close to your parents will make you trust me again. Or not, I wouldn’t blame you.

I just hope you're safe and please remember I’m only a phone call away.

I miss you, Ress.

Cassie.

I’m feeling pale as I finish reading. I’m relieved about Cassie not being back there anymore, especially now that they know she helped me. But, that’s what scares me now. If Cassie’s parents are worried, it’s because they may have been threatened. I’m not surprised, but feeling deeply guilty. Causing trouble for Cassie and her parents was never on my plans and now they are moving away because they’ve helped me.

I type Cassie’s email address on a piece of a paper before deleting the email address. I was planning on reaching her, but I needed time.Something was going on, Cassie and her parents were definitely being tracked and having me in her inbox right now wont help her at all. I just realized I did her a favor cutting all communication.

It’s the best for now.

As I delete the email address for good, I decide to not have another one. Not now. In a quick fear, I checked the only social media account I had. I recently shared it with new people but I never gave it to Cassie. I had the thought that they got my phone number and email from Cassie, not because they actually found me. I never gave Cassie that art account, just as I’ve never told her I paint. If that’s the case, I’m still safe, I don’t have to pack my bags yet.

There’s nothing on my art account, only the notifications of new followers that I never followed back from them… Moshe, Reid, Jeni, Rich, Élise and Tina. Other than that, there’s no threatening messages.

I sigh in relief, the only small one I can have in these circumstances. Now, I just needed to pray for this new phone number to never be tracked. If that happens, everything it’s fine.

There’s a fucking not at my door that makes me jump. I would never get used to it, especially not lately that I was checking my lock was on every five seconds. I was getting more nervous by the time.

I turn off the computer and close the closet door, where I always keep it. It’s better for me to not have people know I can access the internet. Then, I get to the door and look through the visor, realizing that my whole mood changed the second I see Reid.

He’s there, looking so good that I can’t help but stare for a few seconds before realizing I have to open the door. As soon as I open it, he smiles and I feel as if my mind blocked all the fear and anxiety I felt moments ago.

“Hi.”

“Hi…”

“I know you weren’t expecting me, but…”

“It 's okay.” I quickly answered. “C’mon in?”

Reid nods, a grin of excitement as he walks in. I shut the door close, realizing I’m nervous. I was always nervous around Reid, a feeling that lately it was getting closer to the fine line of fear. But even when I was about to have a panic attack a few minutes ago, strangely now I was nervous about other things. Do I even look good? Is he here to pick me up? I was getting all blushed and feeling things in my stomach.

“.... it would be better if I just came by.” I heard him say and realized I’ve been weirdly standing by the door, just staring at him as my head went by.

“Sorry, can you say that again?” I walked to him, he was standing in the middle of my small living room., brushing away my embarrassment.

Reid smirks. “I was just saying that… because you don't have a phone by now, and you’ve never been to Rich’s place and it’s in another neighborhood… I thought it would be better if I just came by.” he finished with a shrug, as if he was unsure I believe his reasons to be here.

I can help but smile at the gesture but still shake my head. “I can still find the address, I’m good with directions.”

He shrugs. “Now you don’t have to.”

“Thank you, you didn’t have to…”

“I wanted to.”

I chuckle, walking past him. I pushed away a pile of clothes from my bed. I will offer the usual chairs from my kitchen land but they were busy with more mess at the moment. My bag and coat were lying in one, ready for me to take them when I got out and the other one was full of unwashed painting brushes.

“Sorry about the mess…” I walk to open my curtains so we are not in the dark anymore. He didn’t mention anything about it, but I didn’t want to be weird about anything.

My new goal was to be as lowkey as possible with him. Having one panic attack and crying in front of him was more than enough.

Reid stays in silence as I see him already turn to face my painting and I get so ashamed that I don’t speak again. Standing by the window, debating if I should jump, I see him stare at my unfinished portrait of him.

Because I was not ready for his visit, just like last time, with the exception that now the painting had more details and it was pretty obvious who it was. I feel my face go warm and I immediately regret not putting it away while Reid focused on it. I try to read on his face, but he doesn’t give me anything from this distance and a piece of his hair is falling on his forehead.

He looks at me and I wish to be invisible. “Is this me?” Reid mumbles.

As he waits for an answer, I start to giggle nervously. “No, um, I mean… yeah, um.”

And he giggles with me, or at me, at this point I’m confused and completely ashamed. I think he sensed how much it made me nervous, but he didn't make it easy for me when he started to slowly walk towards me.

Tossing his head to the side, Reid smirks as he stands in front of me. “No? Yeah?” he teases.

I look down at my feet, a small nervous laugh being the only sound I made until I feel Reid's hand on my face. With his thumb and pointing finger, he pulls my chin up to meet his eyes. He looks at me, his thumb now finding my cheek and softly stroking it.

“You are blushing.” It’s a statement, not a question, but I still nod in a sort of trance now that he’s standing closer.

“I… You just weren't supposed to see it.” I try to hold into his eyes, but it’s hard on how much they intimidate me, not in a bad way, but in a way that makes my knees feel weak.

“Why not?” his thumb strokes my check.

“It’s not finished yet…” I lied.

I just thought his face was beautiful. I still remember the night I started the painting, it was after the night of the band’s music video release party. I was so content and happy with the events of the weekend, that on Sunday night, knowing I won’t be up early on Monday, I started the painting.

It started with something else, actually, but as much as I thought about him, I slowly found myself painting his face on the canvas. It was impulsive, so I really didn’t have a reason on why I did it or for what.

I used to paint things that I like too much. Maybe it’s the same reason now, but I can’t tell him that.

Pushing a piece of my hair away, he smiles at me. “It looks very good even if it's not finished. " Did you take a picture of me or something?” He jokes.

“Um, no…” I cleared my throat. I liked how close he was but it was not helping at all with my nerves. “It’s out of memory.”

His eyebrows shut up in surprise. “Fuck, Ress, you are fucking incredible.”

I shake my head with another nervous giggle that at this point was making me sound stupid. “It’s really not finished yet.” I brush away his compliment.

Grabbing my chin again, his soft eyes met mine. “Why are you nervous?” Reid asks, his eyes falling down to my mouth and then back at my eyes.

I roll my eyes while chucking, “I just hate that it’s not finished and you saw it.”

“Are you a perfectionist?”

“I just don’t think it looks good when it’s not finished.”

“It looks amazing, Ress.” he gives chin a squeeze and stares at my lips.

It has been like this with Reid since I met him. It’s like he’s a magnet, I can’t help it. I can’t even place what it’s exactly about him for me to feel like I wanted more, I wanted him. And that was about to be the end of me. If I let this go too far, if I let this get more than just being friends, then I would be selfish and the worst person.

Still, I was feeling selfish because I didn’t want to let it go anytime soon. Not when he asks if he can kiss me, making me feel butterflies stabbing my stomach and I nodding quickly as the anticipation and excitement of kissing him completely enchants me.

Chapter Text

Chapter 28. “Tattooed.”

<3

Reid and I walked to the métro and we were on a long trip ahead of us. I was never going to admit it to him, but if I were on my own, I would’ve missed my stop or been in the wrong gate more than once. I have not been in as many neighborhoods for me to know the whole métro, less the city.

Having him as my tour guide also gave me the opportunity to focus on other things, like looking at him, the way his nose scrunches when he chuckles, his hands are always on his pockets but sometimes he does bite his nail, the way he leans over the nearest wall or the tubes of the metro. He catches me staring at him more than once, till the point I started to just smile at him when he did because looking away was starting to make me feel more ridiculous.

Reid didn’t seem to matter. He gave me an even bigger smile when he realized I wasn’t looking away. We were on our last trip to get the Rich’s. I was standing next to him, too close considering it was crowded.

“I know you don’t have a phone now, but I wanted you to check it.” He passed me his phone, his free hand helping him not to fall.

I stare at his screen and it's my painting. The painting I made for the band. It was so perfectly photographed it almost looked scammed. It was edited, big letters reading LOVERS at the top and the dates for the small tours on the bottom. I realized I loved to see my painting with so many approvals, the likes and comments were exciting.

But then I realized my art account was tagged. And that one of my paintings was, for the first time in my life, being seen by a lot of people. The insecurity invaded my body as I felt unprepared and a complete rookie as a painter.

Still, I manage to smile at Reid. “I’m so glad you guys liked it and used it for the flyers.”

He rolled his eyes. “We are glad you painted it! You completely killed it,” I open my mouth to answer but he interrupts me, taking his phone off my hands. “Read the comments, people think it looks great too!”

I can see the excitement in his eyes and hope that he can’t see the insecurity in mine.

I giggle, pushing his phone away after he scrolls down some comments for me to look at. “Stop.” I was ashamed. I avoid his eyes, feeling suffocated for how small the space was and the fact that I can not take distance from him.

“Don’t you like that people like your paintings?” He pulls his phone from his pocket.

“It 's not that.” I shake my head, still staring at my shoes. “It 's dumb… but I think if people that actually know how to paint would see it, then they would hate it.”

It comes from being self taught in painting. I wasn’t born with the availity to paint by memory, it was just the only way I was able to do it without being caught, eventually I just got used to it. I googled and read books, but one ever gave me feedback because I wasn’t allowed to be doing it in the first place. And missing the opportunity to actually learn from others it’s my biggest insecurity about my painting at the moment.

Now, with so many new people, strangers, watching my paintings, I was feeling self conscious and nervous of the feedback. Even if it was completely positive, that was also not too good.

“You have a point, I don’t know how to paint.” Reid mentions. “Rich and Jeni don’t paint either, but they know a lot about art. They love your paintings.”

“They study art?”

“Not really, they’re parents are some kind of art collectionist… or were they investors?” He asks himself and then smirks. “Can’t really remember now, but it’s a family thing. It’s how they know each other.”

“They’ve known each other for a while?” I appreciate the opportunity to distance the conversation from me.

“They’ve been together since they were fifteen.”

I can’t help my surprised expression and it makes me feel ashamed for a moment but Reid just chuckles. “Wow, that’s a long time.”

“Yeah, they love each other a lot. It’s a nice story, ” Reid shrugs, still softly laughing. " Their love story, I mean. We have a song on the album about it.”

“Really? I’ll love to hear it.”

Reid smirks, “It’ll be out soon. I want to know your opinion about it, by the way.”

I nod, “You guys have the tour soon after that, right?”

“A week later.”

It surprised me that I was suddenly sad about the fact that I was not going to see him or speak to him for a month. But also, the protective part of me thought it was a great opportunity for me to adapt to his absence. It was necessary for me to not get too comfortable with him. Still, my stomach twisted at the news.

“Are you excited?”

He shakes his head and then sighs, “I mean, yeah, don’t get me wrong. We are just too busy getting it ready now to be excited.”

“Once you are on stage it will be exciting, right?”

“I hope so, yeah.”

The train stops at our final gate and Reid takes my hand to guide me through the people and out the door. We make our ways to the stairs.

We walk in silence around the, for me, unknown neighborhood.I try my best to look around, pay attention to the buildings and trees, there’s even some street art and I forced myself to even look up at the sky, but not Reid.

And I was failing. I was hoping that Tina’s words weren’t right, but deep down maybe they were. Because now, as I see him just walking, his hair being messed up by the wind , I feel a punch on my stomach as I realize that I’m digging my own grave.

Maybe I need to not look at him.

“Why is Rich tattooing at his parents house? I thought he lived with Jeni.” I ask to have a distraction from my own head.

Reid chuckles. “Jeni doesn’t want people walking around the apartment for tattoos. Rich’s parents are never around and we don’t have to walk the whole house to get there.”

“Oh, is it because of their job?”

“I’m guessing. I’ve never met them.”

We get close to the prettiest building I’ve seen. All white, black balconies and windows, it even had a garden. It was huge just from this view. And a wave of familiarity but also fear came up my spine.

“We’re here,” His voice takes me out of my head, “are you excited for your tattoos?”

“I'm a bit nervous. Would it be too painful?” I’ve never even faced the idea of tattooing my body until now but I knew the way it worked. I was only doing this under Tina’s advice to look as not as my past self as possible, and even determined I was still nervous.

“No too much.” I feel him grab my hand again, stopping both of us. “You can handle it.” After a soft smirk, he makes a gesture to his right, at the big building. “C’mon.”

Jeni’s apartment was shocking enough for me, by that time I was convinced that they were all broke students, but now maybe only Reid and Moshe are what I thought. This place was so upper class it made me anxious. It reminded me of places, moments, that I wanted to forget.

Every detail screamed wealth, Reid even had to ask for a code to enter at the elevator so we could get the apartment. Even the music playing while we rode it in silence sounded like the most pretentious song that I’ve definitely heard before.

When we arrive, we have a small hallway ahead of us and a door waiting at the end of it.

“I haven’t been here much,” Reid mentions as we walk to the door. “Rich doesn’t tattoo much lately.”

“Why? School?”

“Yeah and well, he’s not exactly… focused.” He shakes his head, looking at me with eyes wide open but a funny expression. “Please don’t tell him I said that.”

Reid opens the door and once we enter the living room, I confirm I’ve seen this type of money before. If I were on my own, I probably would think this was a set up and I was back to the places I once runned from. But I wasn’t, I knew as Reid hand was guiding me around, but still now I was worried that, maybe against my will, I’m hanging out with the same people I tried to move on from.

However, Reid does make me trust in Rich a little more. As I try to trust him, that I still struggle, this is one of the things that him being by my side just makes it feel better. Tina will be here too, so it won’t be as hard. I will trust that I’m safe here as long as I can’t prove I don’t have a reason to.

However, I still walk around with my guard up.

The room is empty but Reid continues to walk, another long hallway in our way. This one has family pictures on the walls and I take my time to stare at them. I can’t see siblings in the pictures, so maybe Rich it’s an only child.

As we reach one of the only two doors of the hallway, Reid turns around to look at me. “Ready?”

I nod, wanting to focus on the things that were actually happening, like that fact that I was about to get tattooed, and not my mind trying to figure out things I can’t confirm. As Reid opens the door, we enter a room that was completely decorated as a tattoo studio.

I was surprised, considering I didn’t think that Rich did his gigs at his house, but the whole place was equipped and ready. A desk was in the back of the room, next to a big window and Rich was sitting in front of it. A light helping him as he worked on something I can’t place from a distance. Jeni is next to him, playing music on the computer and Élise and Tina are sitting together on the sofa in the room.

As soon as we step inside, I’m being greeted by Tina and Élise. We three have become closer and it felt really nice to have girlfriends, especially after missing Cassie so much all this time and now not even being able to reach her. It's nice to have them. I see Reid walk to say hi to Jeni and then speak to Rich.

“Rich already got the stencils done, you’ll love them.” Tina is excitingly pulling me to where Rich is and I can see him working on the edges of pieces of paper, where the three tattoos were printed.

Rich says hi before going back to his task. I chose simple tattoos, Tina mentioned they took less time and work if they were simple lines instead of a bunch of details. They didn’t have much meaning or anything at all, I just thought they were pretty. Tina advised it’s better if they don’t represent anything I used to be. If I ever were.

An empty canvas was the stencil Rich was working on. It was going to be over my elbow, in the back of my upper arm. At the corner of the table, already done and cutted, an anatomical heart, that I was thinking of getting on my shoulder but I was not sure yet. And finally, a lighthouse on my wrist.

“Will this take a while?” I wonder out loud.

“Couple hours, c’mon help me pick the music.” Jeni says, pulling next to her and showing me the playlist she is making with Élise’s help.

“Don’t worry, when I got my first tattoo, I was more dramatic than anything else.” Jeni says, as she puts one song on. “It really doesn’t hurt that bad, you even get used to it.”

I can’t see Jeni’s tattoo’s as I look at her and I don’t dare to ask about them.

“I’m not that nervous… well, maybe a little.” I nervously move my hair to the side.

“You know what? You need a drink.”

“Drinks?” Élise asks from the sofa.

“Okay, let’s get some tattoos!” I hear Rich cheer behind me as he moves to disinfect his hands and get the tools ready.

With Jeni pushing my back and Élise pulling my hand, I get to the chair where I’ll spend the next couple hours. It was really tall, so I had to make a little jump to reach it. I sit at the corner, not sure on which tattoos we are starting on and which position I should take.

Rich has a stool next to it, where he sits as he fixes the car of tools, preparing the ink and needles.

“They are going to look amazing! Want that drink?” Jeni insisted again, winking an eye at me.

“Yes, please” A distraction will be amazing now.

“We’ll be back!” Élise screams as she and Jeni walk out.

Reid appears in front of me as I rub my thighs trying to calm down, the unknown keeps me nervous. He smiles at me, taking my hands and squeezing them. I see Tina watching over Rich shoulder to the stencils, asking him about a tattoo she wants done.

“It won’t be painful.” Reid assured me. “I’ll sit next to you, you can take my hand.” He jokes.

I laugh with him, appreciating his words even though I won’t be grabbing his hand, even if I want to.

“We are starting with the smaller one.” Rich turns around, a piece of cotton and a bottle in his hand. “Lay down.”

As I start to do it, I’m being stopped by two hands on my shoulders. Reid was suddenly behind me. “You need to take the jacked off.” He says, as he pulls it off my arms.

I ignore the shivers on my skin as I lay down, realizing until now that maybe choosing the tattoo to be on my shoulder could be really painful.

“Just relax.” Reid says as he sits down on the small chair. He’s still tall enough so I can see him. His eyes up my body until they meet my eyes and I’m more nervous.

“Don’t worry, Ress, I won’t bite you.” Rich winks at me as he desinfects my shoulder, right beside my collarbone.

I stare at the ceiling as the cold alcohol burns on my skin. Then, Rich shows me the cropped stencil of the anatomical heart. “This goes on your skin and it’s used as a guide to tattoo you.” He explains and he does and I just nod.

When he takes the stencil out, Tina is up behind him, moving forward so he can look at the stencil on my skin. “It’s gonna look awesome, Ress.” She smiles.

“Don’t bother the tatooer, damn.” Rich jokes.

I giggle, feeling less nervous as they all look more excited than me. Rich is already holding on to the tattoo gun when Élise and Jeni are back with a tray of drinks. Tina it’s already helping her, passing one to each of us. I take my drink while Rich takes his, taking a huge sip.

“Here, I can hold it for you.” Reid offers.

“Well, thank you.” Rich passed him his drink.

Reid still takes it, reaching for mine too as Rich gets situated.

“Let me know if you want a break, okay? And don’t move.” Rich mumbles as he gets situated and then the gun hums on and the needle touches my skin.

It’s uncomfortable at the beginning, almost making me whimper. But a few minutes later, it was like a distant pain I can’t place. Then, I realize it’s easily ignorable. The needle stabs me quickly as it moves over my skin and it’s not as bad as I was maybe overthinking it.

“It 's okay?” Reid asks, as I stay in full silence and almost paralyzed with fear of moving and fucking it up.

I move my head to the side slowly, “Yes, it’s not so bad.”

“You are being good, you don’t wanna hear about Jeni’s first tattoo.” Rich says, as he cleans the ink before going back to work.

“Everyone wants to know about my story.” Jeni says, as she walks to the end of my chair, taking a sip of her beer. “I was totally crying and shaking. Asking to stop almost every five minutes.”

“More like every minute.” Rich hums and the tattoo gun stops, as Jeni pushes him on the shoulder. “Damn, are you trying to kill her?”

“Wait until you are done.” She rolled her eyes at her but with a smile on her face.

“Can’t wait.” Rich winks at her before continuing.

From the back of the room, I heard Élise complain. “Ugh, you guys never stop flirting.”

“Are you almost done?” I ask Rich, as I still try my best to not move not even an inch but feeling like time maybe it’s going too slow for my taste.

“Soon.” Is all he said and I focused on other sounds than the tattoo gun humming. A song it’s playing, Tina and Élise are mumbling, Reid and Jeni are bothering each other and as much as I want to not pay attention to the feeling on my skin, I go back to it from time to time. I even happen to like it.

I could get used to it. Right now I feel dumb to even be nervous considering that I’m handling it very well. It reminds me of when I had my ears pierced for the first time. Moving the earring was painful but good, even a relief. It was similar.

“Done.” The gun hums off as I focus on reality again. Rich takes more cotton and a new bottle in his hand. He sprays me with it and as he moves the cotton over my skin, it’s when I feel the first real pain. “It’s an open wound, so you can’t touch it and you can’t scratch it.”

“You can’t get into a pool either.. or the beach.” Jeni ads.

“It’s almost freezing.” Reid points out.

“It won’t be soon.” she poke her tongue out at him.

Once my skin is clean of the extra ink, Rich takes his gloves off and takes back his drink from Reid. “Take a look at it.” He nods at the mirror beside the window.

Feeling the small burn on my shoulder as I move it, I stand up and go to the mirror to see what it doesn’t even feel real, as painful as it is now that it’s done. It hurts more now that I’m not getting stabbed by the second, how ironic.

As I see my reflection, I study the tattoo freshly done. The lines of the drawing are perfect and thin, it looks fresh and the skin around it it’s red. I look at it and then at my face and I smile as I don’t recognize the person looking at me behind the mirror. That was always the plan.

Reid appears behind me, smiling as he looks at my reflection too. “You liked it?”

I nod, turning around and being welcomed with my drink back. I quickly drink it, feeling a strange adrenaline run through my body.

“Rich's taking a break. We don’t want you to get overwhelmed. People don’t usually do more than one tattoo the first time.”

I shake my head, smiling. “I’m not overwhelmed. I’m okay.” I look to my side and see that Rich and Jeni are not in the room already. Élise is still at the computer, going around the music and Tina it’s on the couch, checking on her phone.

Reid gives me a soft smile. “Let’s just finish our drinks first. Do you want to play a song?”

“Ow, I have so many in the queue already!” Élise wines.

“Can you play one of your songs?” I ask, sitting next to Tina on the sofa.

“Yes!” Élise screams and it's quickly playing their first EP.

“Let me add a song.” Reid tells her.

“Putain!”

“Just one,” he laughs with her and softly pushes her aside, “move”

Sipping on my drink, I notice Tina hasn’t spoken since the tattoo was done. I stare at her and feel bad to take a look at what she’s looking at her phone, but quickly come back to see her watching what seems to be news articles about herself.

Confused and also not ready to be triggered now, I look away, focusing on the music playing, on the feeling burning on my skin, on the cold drink in my hand and the next tattoo I'll get. I focused on Reid, whose profile is looking really cute as he stares at the computer. His hair looks soft and his lips look so…

“Salut!” I heard Élise say, but she wasn’t talking to me. She was standing in front of Tina, who quickly put the phone away.

I stared at them, knowing that maybe some unspoken words were being shared between them and it was time for me to stand up. I didn’t mind, considering I was concentrating on Reid and how good he seems to look today.

And he started talking about his favorite songs, and all I could hear was his voice and all I could see was his beautiful brown eyes and hyperfocusing on this feeling of adrenaline and excitement. The sound of the door closing made me both jump in surprise. We noticed we were alone now, as Tina and Élise had disappeared out of the room.

Being alone with him, again, makes me want to jump on top of him. Maybe I should throw myself at him, I’ve done it before… and then I remembered I’m in the middle of getting tattooed and in someone else's house.I finished my drink quickly, trying to find a way to calm myself. I was definitely having some kind of effect after the tattoo, but I didn’t expect it to be this way.

“Wow,” Reid grabs my empty bottle off my hands. “You can’t get drunk while curing a tattoo.”

“What? Why not?” I whined, I honestly didn’t do my research on tattoos, I completely trusted Tina’s word on it and she never mentioned this.

“I’m not really sure. I’ve learnt it the wrong way.” Suddenly, he’s running his sleeve up and I’m just realizing how good his arm looks. “This is my first tattoo, I got it on my 17th birthday and got completely wasted after.” He has a lot of tattoos on his right arm, so he points out the specific music cord on his forearm, it was almost a shade of gray at the moment.

I leaned forward to see it better, it was almost fading, as if it was done with gray ink. “It looks like that because you got drunk?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure how it works. Something about the flow of blood or whatever.”

I keep my gaze on his arms, realizing that this is the first time I paid so much attention to his tattoos. I’ve seen them, but generally, not looking at the details. At each of them individually.

“I think this is the first time I’m seeing your tattoos so up close.” I mention, still looking up and down his arm to find the different designs that cover his skin.

“Yeah, we are usually too distracted when my shirt is off.” Reid smirks and I’m quickly doing it too. We’ve reached this really comfortable flirt stage and I was enjoying it.

The guilty feeling that was surrounding me the last few days was gone as soon as I remembered how good of a distraction he was for me. And I didn’t know if that made me a worse person, but it was the truth. Keeping myself in this comfortable place was dangerous but I was not ready to give it up yet, not when things were still going wrong and these were the smallest moments I got to have a break.

“Who’s ready for a second tattoo!” Rich is walking by the door, screaming, and I’m forced to put aside the plan of throwing myself at Reid in the middle of his friend's tattoos studio. .

Chapter Text

Chapter 29. “Finding out.”

<3

It’s been two weeks and my tattoos itch like hell.

Tina mentioned the cold weather it’s good for them because there’s nothing worse than the itching of the tattoo because of sweat. It will be spring soon, so I was hoping they were cured by them.

I've been happily staring at the mirror and realizing how little there is of the person I used to be. The anxiety that was hunting for me these days it’s still going but at least now I’m relieved that I’m harder to recognize.

The band leaves for their tour soon, they are having a “Debut Tour” party, which Reid said it’s only an excuse for Jeni to have content for their social media. I was excited for them, everything seemed to be going well for the band and even Tina was getting involved in working with them.

I have seen Reid just a couple times. Our calendars haven’t gone together and we are never in the same place just for casualty. Underground was the only place where we saw each other without planning it and since the band stopped playing there, we barely can talk.

But Reid has found ways to surprise me. He came by the bar on Wednesday night, when the bar it’s never full and we only open because we have to, some people show up for a couple of drinks but eventually the place it’s empty and it’s only midnight.

Reid sat in the bar, talking with me the whole shift. Lisa will show up and throw a joke before disappearing to her tasks again, but Tina only walked past us, not even recognising him. He talked about the band plans for the tour, invited me to the party and said he was excited about them being “on the road” for a while. By the end, only midnight because Mery was sure no one was gonna show up after that hour, Reid offered to walk me home. No kiss, no physical connection, nothing but talking about our days.

And I didn’t like the fact that when he was gone, I wished that I'd made a move instead of waiting for him.

Days later, he came by my house without notice or invitation. It was early Saturday, not even noon, and I was in my pajamas cleaning my apartment. He smiled when I explained the reason for my look and he only shrugged, offering to help me. He was acting like a friend. Being nice and having conversations. It’s not like he was distant, but his touch was not insinuating and his words were not flirtatious and deep down I wanted them to be.

As he cleaned and spoke to me about his week at work and his classes, he told me about a short story he had to write for a class and he played the song about how Jeni and Rich got together but I honestly did not pay attention to it. I was distracted by him.

He was explaining the lyrics, ignoring that I was not listening. He looked so handsome when he was just speaking about his songs. He’s so gentle and nice, that I almost found myself making a move but then a horrible idea came to mind. Why was I waiting for him to make a move on me? To flirt with me? Why was I even mad when it did not happen?

Since I met Reid, I haven’t hooked up with anyone else but him. Maybe that's why I’m thinking about him more often, why I’m always thinking about the next time that I’ll see him, or when I’m with him, I’m thinking about kissing him all the time.

It was becoming a problem that I was committed to solve, when I realized I spent the last two weeks constantly thinking about him. And it made me scared. I couldn’t catch myself being too weak. I needed a way to get Reid out of my head.

That sunday night at the bar I took every chance that I was given to flirt, but there were not many. It was becoming harder for me to find someone attractive and with all the loud music it’s impossible to even know if they are interesting enough. However, I took all the free shots I got from batting my eyelashes and smiling too much to some clients.

As it was getting late and the place was getting empty, a guy approached the bar. He was easy, or maybe I was getting frustrated that I found everyone exactly as uninterested, but still wanted to prove myself. He was not very good at flirting but he was nice enough. Or I was too drunk at this point. He waited for me while I got changed, time I spent trying to not forget his name but I was not successful.

We had a small chat while we walked in a different direction than my house, not even two minutes had passed when he already mentioned that his place was nearby and that I should come over. I said yes before I could find reasons not to.

I was hoping to have so much fun with this random stranger, just as Reid was once, that I remember how easy and simple it is, how fun and distracting it can be when a single name it’s not surrounding your head.

Unfortunately, I did not have fun at all. As it turns out, the guy was boring and bad at sex. And not because my review it’s so trustable, but because he did not make me forget. He did not make my thoughts leave my head, not be focused on my surroundings, forget about the times I’m willing to search.

On the contrary, I had to think for the experience not to be so bad for me, but even that failed, because I was mad. I was mad that this stupid guy was doing exactly what I was trying to avoid. He was supposed to make me forget about Reid but instead, he made me think of Reid even more.

I gave him a fake phone number before leaving out the door quickly. I was still frustrated and mad as I made my way home and the sunrise was starting on the horizon.

I was tired and embarrassed.

Next day at work in the store, I was trying for Élise not to notice my long face. Tina and Lisa are not so into asking me why I'm acting “strange”, mostly because we have so much work to do that there's no time to pay attention to each other's expressions or mood. But with Élise it's different, she pays attention to things. Nothing can be ignored by her and I know she collects little bits of information she uses for later.

But today was different. It was me who started to pay attention to her due to how odd she was acting today. Élise was a talker, she liked to make conversation even if people weren't listening. She also had comments about every customer we have.

But that day our shift started with silence from both of our parts and I didn’t even notice how different she was until it was lunch break and we ate in such a deep silence I know it’s unlike her. Élise was not paying attention to me, at all, and she looked like I’m sure I do something.

Distracted, lost eyes in nothing, barely speaking with the clients and not doing one sale the whole day. I stare at her in worry. I haven’t dealt with comforting someone else but me in a while, and myself was a lot of work already. But I couldn’t just pretend I didn’t notice she’s not acting like herself. Somehow it felt like I owned her to check up on her. But I was terrible at it.

As I was tagging for new pieces we received, I decided that maybe it’s for the best to start with small conversation, to distract her from her head.

“So, the party it’s this weekend, the tour is just around the corner, right?” I felt dumb as soon as I finished the sentence, because Élise did not hear me, or so I thought because she did not answer.

“Are you guys excited?” I kept trying, knowing that I still had a full box of tags to do and two more hours to go.

But Élise was not staring at her phone, completely focused only on it and did not even look up to acknowledge me. Getting frustrated, I finished the tagging in silence to give her some time. I know what it’s like to need some space.

As our shift went off with Élise not looking at the client and me taking the only two sales of the day, I debated if I should directly ask her if she’s okay. Instead, I finished my tasks and focused on cleaning for the change of shift.

She was next to me, helping me put misplaced clothes back on their original place in the store.

“I haven’t found a replacement for this weekend, Tina already found one?” I mentioned in another effort of trying to make conversation.

“Tina? What?” Élise quickly looked at me in distress, as if she just heard me for the first time in the whole afternoon.

“Um, no, uh, I was asking if Tina got a replacement already?”

“A replacement? For what?” As she continued, she started to look worried.

“Our shift this weekend… for your party.” I added slowly, hoping I was not making her feel bad.

“Oh” She went back to a straight face of confusion and then started to nod. “Yeah, right… right… I mean, no, I don’t know.”

“Are you okay?” I dared to ask her, her face went through a different feeling just by my silly questions.

Élise’s face suddenly lit up, as if she had practiced this quick way to put on a happy face, and looked at me as if I was crazy.

“Of course I am silly, why wouldn’t I?” She let out a small laugh, like bruising it off.

“You just looked a little distracted today, are you tired?” I didn’t dare to tell her she was so obviously acting differently.

“Oh, so tired! I already want that tour to end and it hasn’t even started.” She joked again and walked away, to continue accommodating clothes.

But later I was not able to notice how her face went back to her worry and I didn’t have the heart to remind her. So the shift ended with me playing along to her. I wished it was the same if I were in her shoes.

As the week went by, she acted more like herself but avoided any mention of Tina or even herself. All she talked about was the tour and how excited they were of being on a road trip for almost two months.

By the time Friday came along, I was already exhausted and frustrated that I woke up excited because I had a free night on Saturday. Not only because of it, I was going to see Reid. And I spent the rest of the day hating myself for even being excited about it.

Thankfully, the band will be gone for one months and I was planning to use that time to take Reid out of my head and mind.

The bar was full of tired people that day. There was something in the energy that was uneasy, but everyone quickly continued with their jobs.

As I was changing into my uniform in the bar’s dressing room, I heard muffled cries from the back of the room. I only had to steepen a little to see Tina’s hair and then I felt guilty for even being around to hear it.

I slowly take my things and close my locker door. She hasn’t seen or heard me and it was for the best. As I leave her alone to cry in privacy, I wonder if she and Élise had a fight because they both seem to be having a bad week.

Lisa does make a comment about Tina's red eyes while we are serving drinks at the bar, but I make a weed joke to brush it off. Tina only smiles at me and with the same silent mood and long face that Élise had, she works her shift. When she sneaked out for her smoke break, I followed her, ignoring Lisa’s complaints.

I smile more than usual and start casual conversation to distract her. Tina still stared at her feet way too much, so I worried that it was not working. At least, she was not crying anymore.

By the time we were walking home, I was convinced that I was becoming a worse friend as I spent more time away from Cassie. It’s not like I forgot to feel empathy, but I’m more aware of the approche now. Now I would hate being asked the wrong question at the right time. Especially with Tina, who is more like me than Élise would ever be.

But I didn’t want her to feel like I didn’t care about her and the long face she was wearing. Tina herself has pulled out with my long face, this is the least I can do. Under all the pressure of feeling insecure on how to speak to her, I decided to distract her by telling her the story of my bad hookup last weekend.

“...and he was a great kisser, so can you imagine how disappointed I was when I realized that was the only thing he was good at.” I rambled to her as we walked.

“That sounds like a bummer, Re.” I heard Tina mumble but her head it’s in the clouds.

“But, I mean, I still had fun anyways.” I lied to keep the conversation going. “Maybe next time I’ll have to…”

“So, you and Reid are not dating?” Tina asked me out of nowhere. Her question left me startled.

“No.” I shook my head and then a nervous laugh came out of me, “Why would you think that?”

Tina shrugs, “I don’t know… the way he talks about you, I guess. You guys always have this staring contest thing.”

“What? We don’t!” I defend myself, feeling mortified, with a nervous laugh to not kill myself in the spot.

“You do. It’s okay, it’s kinda cute.” She giggles, but even that sound was weak and mixed with other feelings I couldn't place.

I stayed quiet for a few seconds, feeling a little embarrassed by the question I was about to ask. “Um, how… um, how does Reid talk about me?”

Tina’s sad face disappears for a second as she laughs, but then her face goes back to normal and I can see something it’s eating her up. “It’s not like he does it in front of me, Élise…” but then she gets quiet, as if the mention of Élise’s name was heartbreaking for her.

As we approach the street where we take separate ways, I decide to not be a coward and be a friend to Tina. She has been there for me, she has helped me without me even asking or something even against my will. I owned her.

“Do you want another smoke?” I offered and she said yes.

As we sit on a bench of a nearby park, we smoke in silence as we watch the lonely street. Not a lot of people walk around at 4am on a Saturday night, and the few groups of drunk people walking around are only notable for their distant laughs.

“Are you okay?” I ask her after a long silence.

“Sure, why?” Tina mumbles.

“Because you seem a little off, that’s all.” I shrug, giving her a soft smile. “Just want to make sure you are okay.”

Tina nods at my words and smokes in silence. Then, she shakes her head, before being able to stop from crying. I stare at her in panic, completely in fear of not knowing this will be her next move. I open my arms, offering a hug as comfort and Tina takes it. Our cigarettes burn out in our hands as we still hug and she cries on my shoulder.

I never really knew if Tina and Élise were actually dating, at this point I think maybe they did because Tina looks heartbroken.

As she breaks apart and sniffles her nose, I give her a soft smile as she tries to put herself together. “I’m sorry, I’m so lame…” Her voice sounds broken as she cleans up her tears.

“Crying it’s not lame.”

“It is when you cry over something you cant even control, fuck!” Tina screams out and then realizes she sounded really upset. “Sorry, I’m…”

“It’s okay, let it out. I’ve cried about things I can’t control, too.” I encourage her as I take the done cigar off her hands so I can throw them away. I don't care if Tina screams out what she is mad about, I will freak out more if she keeps crying. Now I understand why Reid got so freaked out the couple times he had seen me cry.

“I’m more mad than I’m sad, I can assure you.” Her words were frustrated, she sounded mad but, and I was not going to tell her, she looked more sad.

“I believe you.” I nod.

“I’m fucking mad at her, fuck!” She screams out and then stays quiet, tears starting to silently go down. “And I’m sad because she made me mad at her.”

“Well… being mad at people it’s normal.” I try to go around without straight forward asking her what happened. At this point, I’m completely assuming it’s about Élise.

“I’m not crazy about being mad about this, right?” I shake my head at her questions, even though I have no idea what she is mad about. “Oh my god, I’m not making sense…”

“It 's okay…”

“That’s the problem, Ress, nothing, it's okay.” and she cries more. As her tears become even stronger, I wonder what could’ve happened between them for it to get to this point. “I just trusted her so much, why would she do this to me?” She speaks in between cries.

I rub her back as I continue staring at her, waiting for her to want to talk about it but not being able to even ask what happened. At this point I’m guessing it was very bad.

Tina’s cigarettes burn out of her hand, untouch as her cries dont allow her. I take it from her, tossing it. I do finish mine, hoping it helps me to remember how it was when I was in this position with Cassie and secrets and fear were not the center of our friendship. It was easier to talk, to know what to say and what would make her feel better. This was hard, because I didn't know any of it.

“Did you guys have a fight?” I mumble as she sniffles away from my shoulder.

“Yes… but that wasn’t the problem…” As she cleans her tears, she takes a deep breath and stays silent for a second, before angrily groaning. “God, I feel so stupid!”

“You are n…”

“Yes, Ress, I am.” Suddenly Tina is staying up, walking in circles as she rambles and I fear I’m seeing all the stages of pain go through her. “I am fucking stupid because I had so much bigger problems, so big I had to fucking run away and what fucking kills me? A girl! A fucking girl! I’m so fucking stupid!”

“Oh my god, did you guys break up?”

I fear that my question triggered her because she starts to scream again, eyes wide open.
“We weren’t even a couple yet! God!” She stops to cry again and I sit in silence fearing that I suck at comforting people.

I let her cry, fearing my next words will have her as affected. She slowly walked to the beach again, sitting next to me and using my shoulder to cry again. We stay in silence for a few minutes, I hear her cries slowly become softer and I manage to stroke her hair and console her with no words, considering I just proved how bad I am at it.

“She promised me, Ress…” Tina mumbles in pain, her broken words are so sincere that I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she is feeling like this. “She promised me and then she still did it and… it hurts so bad…”

Passing my arm around her shoulders, I hug her as I offer her a place to cry but not being able to offer wisdom with words.

“I’m sorry, T.” Is the only thing I can think of saying quickly. “You are not stupid, I mean it. You just have feelings, there’s no stupidity in that. It’s okay if a girl breaks you for a moment, doesn't mean you can be built back up, right?” I squeeze her shoulder as I push her hair out of her face, so she can breathe better within her muffled breaths.

As Tina breaks the hug, she stares at my face with a look of realization on her face. She looks like a mess, her cheeks and nose were red, tears still wetting her face and her eyes looked so watery it seems she was not done crying yet.

“He’s doing the same to you.” She suddenly whispers, anger and pain in her words.

“Um?” I ask her, confused on what she means.

“Oh, no, Ress… this can’t be…” She starts shaking her head and becomes a bigger mess of tears. I quickly realized this had no end.

It’s becoming colder and colder, Tina won’t stop crying anytime soon and I can’t even offer her water or a way to clean her tears that it’s not only my shoulder. It occurs to me that it’s better to not leave her alone tonight and my house is closer to the park we are at. I don’t even tell her, I just grab her hand and help her stand up.

I grab her hand all the way we walk, Tina doesn’t say anything, only let’s me lead the way as she continues to cry in silence.

When we get to my apartment, I take her coat and bag without asking her, I lead her to my bed so she can lay down. I stroke her hair and offer tea that she accepts.

As the water bowls and I prepare the cups with the tea bags and sugar, I can still hear her cries from afar but they go softer and softer. By the time I was serving the cups of tea, it was almost 5 o’clock and we surely did not sleep tonight.

Tina was not crying as she sipped on her drink, but her cheeks were still wet from her tears and her eyes and nose were bright red. I sit next to her in silence, feeling bad in not knowing what to say next and needing so much time to think about it.

“Do you like it?” I ask, nodding to the tea. “I got it last week, it’s like strawberries but with a honey mix…”

“Élise told me she’s been searching for news about me.”

As Tina says the words, I immediately feel my stomach sink for her. I didn’t even know the circumstances of why Tina runned away and, just as me, I’m sure she wants no one to know. That is the fucking point of running away. And to have your right to forget who you were being taken from you must feel horrible.

I don’t say anything and neither does she. As she finished her tea, she continued: “When I told her for the first time it was because… I swear, Ress, it felt like I could trust her. And I made her promise immediately, never ask, never guess, never search because it was too painful for me. And she promised… and she broke her promise and now I’m in pain…”

As her tears show up again, I feel like my eyes start to get watery because I want to cry with her. I want to cry for her. I saw how quickly Tina felt for Élise, and she looked the happiest since I met her. I don’t know if Tina loves her, but it does sound like her heart it’s broken.

“...and that’s why I felt stupid because I caused this pain. I runned from one to cause me another, I’m so fucking stupid…”

“T, stop.” I interrupted her, my tears finally showing down my cheeks. I take the empty cup of tea off her hands and leave it on the small table next to my bed, where my unfinished cup was laying. I pull her to my chest, hugging as tight as I can. “You are not stupid, stop saying it.” As I clear my throat, I continue: “Not because someone broke your heart and you couldn’t stop it means that you are stupid, it just means you are heartbroken.”

“I’m heartbroken for being stupid.” Her voice is muffled against my chest.

Shaking my head and ready to answer her, I remember the words she said at the park, the information I just searched and realized I skipped an important part of this.

“T… you said that Reid was doing the same to me? You mean, Reid has been searching for news about me?” I let the question out with the immediate anxiety of knowing the answer already, but needing someone else to confirm it.

Because if it was, then Tina was not stupid. I was. At least Tina was in love, at least she was so sure to be trusting and loving Élise that she willingly told Élise her biggest secret and trusted that Élise was going to treasure that. I, on the other hand, was exposed against my will and now I’m being betrayed by someone I haven’t even given that trust yet.

And now I don’t even know if I could ever do it.

Tina it’s still crying as she says yes, but she does not explain more and I don’t ask either. I just lay next to her, hugging as she cries, we both watch the sunrise as our tired eyes still can’t find a way to be closed.

The sad sounds of Tina’s cries it’s still around, but I lay in the silence of numbness for a long time, until my 8AM alarm clock rings and I realize that even if sadness was getting to me, it was replaced with a more dangerous feeling: Anger.

Chapter Text

Chapter 30 “Another free night.”

<3

I was planning to miss the party all together. I was planning on doing what Tina was gonna do. She was going to work because, as we spent hours talking, she needed to go back to focus on her main goal. And so did I. It’s almost unbelievable that I’ve allowed myself to get distracted by a dumb guy. A guy that was searching news about me, dispate me asking him to mind his fucking business. I felt stupid for even spending days thinking about him, all while he searched my name on the internet behind my back.

I needed to remember that I was running away and nothing, not even a stupid guy, was going to stop me. I was stronger than that, more horrible things I’ve been through…

However, I was really mad. It was so infuriating that I was not able to get over how pissed I was. I went from picturing myself kissing Reid, to picturing myself punching his face. I wanted to fight him, scream at him to mind his business and then I wanted to never see him again.

So I decided to go to the party.

Tina was shaking her head in disbelief when I told her, she was so convinced it was better for her to avoid Élise that it was hard for her to believe I was ready to confront Reid.

“If you punch him, tell Jeni to film it.” Tina joked, leaving as the afternoon came along so she can have a nap and a shower before her shift in Underground tonight.

I spent the afternoon painting the moment where I stab him for being a fucking liar. My anger had to go somewhere. But it wasn’t enough, I was arguing with him in my head as I took a shower, I even practiced some insults as I cleaned all my painting brushes and pretended to throw a punch, but I was not good at it.

I couldn’t take a nap, nor did I take a cup of coffee to keep myself awake, the anger was energetic enough for me. I started to get ready to fight a guy that was a liar. Fucking liar. For a moment, I even felt guilty, of course if I pulled my guard down this was going to happen. I could’t believe I trusted this fucking guy who was… a stranger, who is he at the end of the day? Unlike him, I’m not fucking googling his name.

I was ready to call him a fucking liar to his face.

But as I was walking to the métro, smoking as a way to relax myself, I got in peace with the fact that I was sad too. And I got angry at myself for even being sad about it in the first place. Then, that feeling that Tina had as she called herself stupid over and over again, that same feeling invaded me.

I was so fucking stupid. Reid, it's nobody, just a guy, just a random guy that had me crying and missing one day of my work just for me to tell him how angry I was to his face. I was acting like a stupid teenager. This was ridiculous.

For the first time in two weeks, I was crying . For the first time in a month I was crying for something that was not related to my past chasing me, but this alternative was not better. I felt like I was crying for something stupid, for nothing, for something that I could just ignore and run away from, as I did before, and never see Reid before.

But I wanted him to know how much this affected me, even if he didn’t care. And that made me feel even more stupid, because why do I even want him to know?

I had no way back now, the métro arrived and my replacement at work was probably arriving at the bar already. I was doing this despite still being confused on why am I even doing it. As I get out of the métro on the station in front of Jeni’s apartment, where the party was happening, I realize I need to know how much he knows now.

What does Reid know at this point, how much information was he able to get to maybe have a different idea of me, or maybe make speculations. Either way, I wanted him to know that he was not even close to the truth, that betraying me was not only stupid but unnecessary.

Betrayal. Can you be betrayed by a stranger?

And as I finally reach the door of Jeni’s building, pressing the bottom from the small box on the right of the main door, all the anger turns into shame. I am deeply embarrassed with myself, even for bringing myself here in the first place. But I was here and I was going to ask the questions I had.

I was sure the one to open the door was going to be Jeni, but it was Rich who happily invited me inside and immediately took me to the kitchen. He said everyone had to take a “welcome shot” and I gladly took it. I needed it. Rich was already drunk, or he sounded like it, but still was trying to be a good host. He said he will walk me to where Reid was and asked me about my tattoos and how they were healing. As we walk through the people, Rich suddenly gets pushed and his body crashes on mine.

“Oh, putain!” I heard him complain, before I could even process what happened, a pair of hands were grabbing my shoulders.

“Ress!” Élise was there, red cheeks that reflected on how drunk she was. Standing still was hard for her, we were basically swimming to one side and another as we stood.

“Hi!” I smile at her, feeling empathy for her at the sight of her red and watery eyes, but I quickly think of Tina’s tears and suddenly, it’s hard for me to feel bad for her.

“Where's Tina?” She screams at me over the music. Panic in her face at seeing me alone.

“I don’t know, I came alone.” I stuck to Tina’s plan and played dumb. She doesn’t want Élise to know we talked and me neither. I wanted to know if she told anyone else except us first.

“She said she was coming!” Élise said and then, she started to cry. Staring at her in panic because I don’t know what to do, Rich reacts for me.

“Oh, no, chérie, arrête!” Rich takes Élise off me, hugging her as he takes her over the hallway. “Reid it’s at the balcony” Rich said, before walking away with a crying Élise.

Okay, maybe I do feel bad for Élise as well. I can’t imagine how bad of a night Tina and her must be having. But as I walk to the balcony to find Reid, I remind myself that me and Reid are not Tina and Élise. Tina told Élise her secret because she trusted her, Reid found out about me and since I’ve been trying to trust him. Totally different and even if neither Élise or Reid had the right to do what they did, at least Élise could use love as an excuse.

What was Redi’s excuse? That was my question.

When I reached the balcony, I was hoping for the anger to be so strong and uncareful, that I would scream at Reid as soon as I saw him. But I actually stood at the balcony door, feeling nervous all of a sudden. The balcony was full of people, more than the amount that should fit in a balcony. The first person I saw was Moshe, being the tallest and also having the most distinct hair of all.

Close to him was Reid, but he did not see me as I was trying to reach for them because he was talking to Pearl, the girl he introduced me the last time I was at a party at Jeni’s place. The night I asked if I could trust him and he swore I could. At least, it was good that not much time had passed for me to realize he was lying.

“Ress!” Moshe screamed, getting me into a hug and I surprisingly took it. He smelled like alcohol a lot and I guessed that he was as drunk as Élise. “You have no idea how much Élise has asked about you tonight!” he laughed.

“I just saw her, yes.” I looked beside Moshe, seeing Reid still not noticing me and I realized that could be an advantage for me now. “Congratulations on the tour!” I told Moshe, smiling as if nothing it’s happening because I didn’t expect to have a public conversation. “Are you excited? Everytime I ask, I get a bad answer.”

“It’s because Reid and Élise are annoying, everything gets defined by their weekly mood.” He jokes, winking an eye at me. “It’s very exciting, we are hoping to have an increase of 40% in our streams after it.”

“You guys totally will! Where’s Jeni?” I asked, realizing I have not seen the owner of the house herself.

“Oh, she’s in a total business mood right now, talking with everyone in here to film a promotion for the tour.” Moshe pointed at the beer in his hand, noticing mines were empty. “Oh, no way you are not drinking, you want a drink?”

“it 's okay…”

“No, we have to get you a drink, wait…” Moshe turns his head around and screams: “Reid!” and turns to look at me, with another silly smirk on his face. “He’s been asking a lot about you too, but don’t tell him I told you.” Moshe winks at me, as if we have just shared a secret between us.

As soon as Moshe squeezes away through the people, he’s replace by Reid who quickly took his place and now it’s standing in front of me, smiling with his perfect teeth and doing whatever the fuck he does with his eyes that makes me go quiet and my mind blank.

“You are here!” Reid puts his arms around me and hugs me. I hug him back, feeling a little heartbroken and I don’t even know why.

“I’m here!” I say as we break apart, laughing nervously and staring at the floor, I can’t look him in the eyes for too long.

“C’mon,” I heard him mumble as he took my hand, walking inside of the apartament, leaving the balcony behind.

I’m about to ask where we are going but he rushes me to the kitchen. Moshe was already there, waiting for us standing in front of the kitchen aisle, he was pouring alcohol into the glasses full of a liquid that was color purple.

The kitchen also had lots of people, the lights were off in here, so I could only see Reid or Moshe because of the flashes of throbbing lights that were coming from the living room. I was thankful that my own expression could also be partially hidden.

“This is vodka, you drink vodka, right?” Moshe asked me but he’s already pushing the glass to my hands.

“Sure.” I giggle, thinking that this is the first time I’ve seen him this drunk.

“You don’t have to drink it because he’s giving it to you.” Reid says, but he also takes the glass Moshe served for him.

“Don’t listen to him because this is the best drink ever!” His arms are up, celebrating how proud he is. A group of people cheer for him and Moshe is quickly talking and cheering with them.

As Moshe disappears with the strangers, I look at the drink and debate that maybe being drunk will make this easier for me so I quickly drink it, ignoring the rule of not drinking while curing tattoos. Reid does the same, staring at me with a smirk even as he’s drinking.

“Did you like it?” He nods at my now empty glass.

I didn’t even maintain the drink in my month long enough to like the flavor, so I just shrugged with a small smile. This makes Reid laugh.

“Don’t tell Moshe, he will cry.” Reid giggles, his cheeks are also red and I’m noticing he’s drunk too. I didn’t realize I was arriving late to the party, as everyone seemed to have been on it for hours already. “Want another one?” He asks as he mixes vodka with the purple liquid on his own glass again.

I nod, giving him my glass and hoping that the drinks can make me remember how to talk. Reid starts the work for me, he always talks first as if he knows that I need to be pushed.

“I thought you weren’t gonna be here tonight.” Reid mentions, focused on his tasks.

I was thinking that maybe it was better if I wasn’t. I had a replacement for this day since he invited me. I was never as excited for a free day as I was for this one, before I found out what I now know.

“I was lucky this time.” I mumble, still avoiding looking at him for too long.

“I was lucky.” Reid says, giving me back my glass now full again and I have to look at his eyes again. “I really wanted to see you before we go.”

I smile, that sentence alone makes me feel blushed and flatter, but then I was back on the sad reality of remembering what he’s done. The band will be gone for almost two months, I will not see Reid for all that time, he still does not know I have a phone so there will be no way for us to communicate. Should I take this moment as a goodbye and disappear from his life after tonight? Or should I confront him and be honest on how he hurt me?

“I wanted to see you, too.” I heard myself answer instead and I quickly tried to shut myself up by finishing the second drink as quickly as the first one.

“Wow, there’s no rush.” Reid smirks, as he sips on the alcohol.

I actually had a lot of rush at the moment. If I didn’t get drunk I was going to be puking out of nerves because I was now debating if I should not tell him I know what I know. Should I disappear, once again, and just leave a bunch of questions unanswered. But at the same time, I wanted to fight with him. I wanted to ask him why, I wanted to know what he knew, if it was worth it, if he actually feels like he knows me now that he pushed me away. And I also wanted to be close to him, I also wanted to see him before they were gone.

It was so confusing I needed to be intoxicated. “Sorry, I don’t really have free days,” I mentioned, putting my glass away because two drinks in a row was enough to make me a little dizzy.

“That’s true, I’m glad you can have some fun tonight. Want a smoke?” He offered and as I nod, Reid it’s taking my hand again. He was touching me a lot tonight. A few days ago, I wouldn’t have minded. Now, I shake a little.

I thought that we were going back to the balcony full of people that were in the living room, but we walked by without stopping. Reid does not stop at the sign of a crying Élise still being comforted by Rich. I’m thinking he may already know what happened between Élise and Tina and had dealt with Élise already today. When we saw Jeni walking out from one of the rooms, Reid started to walk even faster, joking about us having to run away from her and her phone because they were tormenting everyone tonight.

I’ve been here before but maybe I was too tired because I couldn’t really tell where we were going. As we go inside of the room at the end of the hallway, we are back at Jeni’s room. The place it’s empty, no person being allowed in the hallway or the rooms, except us as it seems.

I stayed quiet in confusion, thought that I agreed to smoke but we were now standing in the middle of a room. Reid walks to the glass door on the right corner of the room, the balcony doors being open and the fast cold wind quickly hits me.

“Though this was better, there’s too many people out there.” Reid nods at me to follow him to the balcony.

I didn’t even notice this room had a balcony, it’s smaller than the one in the living room but with enough space. I can’t even see the living room balcony that’s full of people. I slowly walk closer to the balcony, stepping outside next to him. We were alone, other balconies beside us but they were empty. The view was different too, we were closer to the back of the building now and any sound of the party was able to be heard at all.

Being alone with him now was my plan but I realized this conversation was being harder for me. I didn't even have a plan at this point, because if looking at him was hard, then being alone with him could be worse for me. This is why this is a bad idea. Me being here it’s a bad idea.

How do I even go? I can’t do more than deal with it and face the fact that I’m feeling more than attraction for Reid. I’m still mad, just confused on how to work through it. And I also want this privacy, this moment where we can be alone and throw over each other if we want.

“I made this one specially for you.” Reid was pulling out a joint out of the ziploc bag. His rolling paper was red, so red it didn't even look like rolling paper. “To celebrate another free night, you work so hard.” He smiled as he handed it to me.

Looking between the joint and his eyes, I feel my knee go weak and I couldn’t help but smile at him. But I’m also confused, if he knows about Élise and Tina then why is he not talking about it? He doesn’t know that I know? I was kinda hoping he knew what I was here for. Not to look at his hot smirk as he does something so basic yet so nice. This was harder than I thought, I was so brave in front of my mirror earlier.

“Thank you.” I take a sly step back as the cold air makes me shiver but also the fact I can’t be distracted by anything but him right now, so it’s better to put some distance.

His face lights up with the fire of the lighter as the joint burns on. He looks beautiful, his hair looks longer? I was not sure, but his hair was falling to his forehead and cheeks more often. Exhaling a cloud of smoke, he immediately gives it to me.

“Have a blast.” Reid commented as I smoked the joint, a lazy smirk on his face. He was staring at me, or maybe I was noticing because I was trying to not look at him but I was able to feel his eyes burning on my skin.

“I’m gonna miss these when you are gone, I can never find a dealer.” I joke, nodding at the joint and immediately smoking again to avoid any uncomfortable silence due to my head not processing words.

“Just ask Rich, he’s gonna stay around.” He chuckles.

“Oh, I thought he was coming with you guys.” I give him back the joint, trying to avoid that our hands touched but he seems to lend forward for the touch.

“He has exams and we don’t have more space in the van.” He inhales the smoke, the action making his cheekbones and jawline look sharper and I push myself to look away again.

“Are you guys driving everywhere? Like a full road trip?” I haven’t gotten many details, not more than the list of cities and the dates.

“Yeah, Jeni made a schedule even for the designated drivers everyday.”

As I take the joint back, I giggle, feeling a little more relaxed than five minutes ago “Wow, you guys will have a lot of fun, uh? Do you have a road trip playlist?”

“We have a joint playlist. I’m also taking my stuff.” Reid shrugs, he started to move slowly to closer and I was debating if I should step back but stayed there.

“Your stuff? Your own playlist?” The smoke almost got stuck on my throat when his hand touched my hand and then close to my wrist, on a small stroke that made me have goosebumps. I don’t walk away, even though maybe I should.

“Yeah, some audiobooks as well, I don’t think I’ll have time to open an actual book with Jeni’s schedule.” Reid looks relaxed, calm, nothing bad happening, no bad news to give. He’s just staring at my wrist tattoo, stroking the skin surrounding it.

“You think it’ll be too tiring?” I cough a little, taking the opportunity to put some distance between us and get away from his touch. I gave Reid the joint, not feeling like it anymore, even though what made me cough was definitely him.

“The plan it’s that it will not, but most likely.” He comments, as if he was talking to himself. His eyes focused on my wrist tattoo. Then, his eyes are looking at me again. “It looks very good, how are the others?

He’s closer again and as I look down to my wrist, our heads almost crashed, so we chuckled and pulled away.

“Sorry, did I make you nervous?” He teases me, taking one last inhale on the joint before giving it to me.

Chuckling, I take it, still avoiding his eyes again but turning my arm so I can show him the tattoo over my elbow. “They are better, by the way. Not scratching has been hard, but I’m managing.”

He smiles as he looks at my empty canvas tattoo, the skin stopped looking red but it has been looking a little dry lately. Then, Reid moves closer and takes the strap of my shirt to the side so he can have a look at the tattoo on my shoulder. And again, I have to remind myself I’m supposed to be mad but also I’m supposed to be demanding answers. Not feeling completely shaking up for his touch. Not having my pulse affected. Not finding it so hard to push away from his touch.

His fingers slowly touch my collarbone, close to the anatomical heart that was carefully drawn on the skin of my shoulder. “It will scar soon, they may look bad for a few days but don’t be scared, they are just curing.”

“They will look bad?” I ask, looking down at my wrist again to not look at his eyes. I can’t do it right now. I take another inhale of the joint, hoping it helps my nerves.

As Reid hums, a lazy grin shows up on his face as his fingers travel from my shoulder to my arm, stroking my skin in such a gentle touch that still makes me tremble. Before I know it, Reid’s fingers are under my chin, pulling my face up so I finally face him and his lips are quickly on mine. I let him kiss me as I felt mad with myself. Ironic that last time I saw him he didn’t even make a move and I was even frustrated by it. Now, I was kissing him with the regret of betraying myself. I’m giving him too much power, to the point where I can’t stop myself from kissing him before even telling him that I’m really mad at him. The joint burns in my hand, completely forgotten at this point.

Because I can’t do anything except fall under his spell and that worries me. It worries me how easily I let him kiss me and just like that my head was full of him and I was not able to go back. I was totally willing to kiss him and more, if he pushed me to the bed right now I would happily continue, my stomach started to burn and I knew I had to stop myself.

“Wait…” I push myself away from him, I force myself to look at him, giving him a small smile.

Reid looks confused as he sees me walk to the other corner of the balcony so I can have a break from him.

“Um, sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Reid frowns, as he sees me immediately puts a distance between us.

“No…” I shake my head, forcing me to smile at him. “I just…” I cleared my throat, giving him the joint that was still on. “I need to ask you something and, well, being too close to you doesn’t let me think.”

My answer seems to make him relax. He keeps the distance between us, waiting for my words as he puts the joint off and back to the small ziploc bag. It’s funny how he is always insecure of doing something that straddles me and this will be the first time I will tell him he did. I don’t even think he can see it coming and that makes me even more confused. Why didn't Élise tell him? Or is he hoping I don’t know so he can continue lying to me?

“Okay.” Reid keeps the grin on his face, even looking amused.

But as his eyes stare at me, all of me, and innocently grinning as he waits for my words, I am quiet and trembling again. My words have been stuck in my throat.

As I think of how to even address this fucked up situation, a noise full of screams and muffled cries can be hear behind the door and we only manage to glace once before the door storms open and Élise in a mess of tears is being pulled away by Jeni, as Rich tries to hold the door and close it back, but Élise fights the both of them as she tries to get inside.

Reid quickly walks to them. “What's going on?” He holds the door open, letting Élise inside and she throws herself at his arms, sobbing in his shoulder. “Wow, chérie, qu'est-ce qui se passe?”

I walk inside too, feeling nervous all of the sudden. Jeni is already behind Élise, trying to pull her arms off of Reid.

“Ça va, vraiment? Allez, Élise…” Jeni mumbled on Élise ears, but she was not letting go of Reid.

Rich was rolling his eyes, he looked already tired and I understood, considering he has been dealing with her crying since I arrived. “Amour, arrête...”

But Jeni was determined and continued to try despite Rich and Élise's complaint. She even looks upset that Élise was not listening to her. Reid is focused on comforting Élise, by slowly stroking her back and he’s still asking Jeni to explain what’s happening.

“Nothing, Reid, she’s just drunk!” Jeni frustrately groaned and then mumbled to Élise. “Let's just go right now, Élise, please.”

“I can’t.” Élise cried harder, taking her face out of Reid’s shoulder. Her makeup was rolling down her face and she looked absolutely heartbroken. She was having a horrible night. “I fucked everything up, Reid, I’m so sorry.”

But her words made Reid frown, more confused, and Jeni pulled Élise's arm harder. “Élise, please…” Jeni is almost begging and I feel bad that I've even witnessed such a stressful and vulnerable situation.

And I fear I understand what’s going on. Élise has not talked to Reid about what happened and, at this point, she may have realized that Tina told me, even if neither Tina or I said so. But I stand quiet and confused because Reid seems to not know anything, but does Jeni know? Why her and not Reid?

“I’m so sorry, Reid, I’m sorry.” Élise continued, hugging Reid again and now crying on his chest. Reid looks completely confused and terrified, Jeni seems about to explode and Rich is so done he has already disappeared off the door.

Seeing myself as such an imposter in the whole situation, I tried thinking of the best thing to do to help. I took Jeni’s hand, softly smiling at her as her stressful eyes found mine.

“Let's just let them talk, right?” I give a nod to Reid which also nods to Jeni. “C’mon, she’ll be fine.” I pull Jeni outside and she lets me as she worriedly checks over her shoulder on Élise.

I close the door to give them privacy and as soon as they are alone, Élise cries go louder. Jeni shakes her head, pulling away her hair from her face as she looks sweaty and tired.

“God, this is a fucking joke!” she scoffs in frustration.

I give her a pity smile to try to make her feel better. “Wanna go have a drink?”

Jeni said yes and we went to the kitchen. She said her and Rich made some jelly shots earlier but they were too strong so they decided not to pass them around. Now, they look like a great option, so she quickly took them out.

I never hang out with Jeni this way, I could try to at least make her feel relaxed, but I also wanted information. Wanted to know if she knew, how much she knows and why, but as with Reid, it was easier said than done.

We did a shot. I proposed a tossed, but she was already drinking it. Then I asked her for the tour but that seemed to stress her even more because she took two more rounds of shots. One after the other.

“Sorry, I… don’t know how to distract you.” I awkwardly stand there, watching her drink.

“It’s not your fault, I’m too fucking upset, that’s all.” Jeni takes another shot and I stare at her as her anger turns into sadness, but she quickly realizes and puts an angry face on again.

“You are not having a great night, uh?”

She laughs, shaking her head. “Imagine babysitting a bunch of twenty year olds that don’t even care about your advice.”

“Why are you the babysitter, though?”

“Because they are all stupid! God! We have the beginning of the tour in one day and Élise is making this whole problem” Jeni rolls her eyes as she takes another shot.

“Yeah, she seems…

“I don’t even know what’s going on!” She interrupts me as she rambles. “I was enjoying myself and Rich told me she’s been crying all night because she did something to Reid. Je sais pas, je m’en fous.” she sighed lowly, looking at the ceiling. “I just need for them to not make this a mess so we can, at least, have the money we invested back.”

“I’m sure you will, I’ve seen the numbers you guys are doing, it will be good!” I tried to cheer her up, but my words were useless.

“I just need Élise to keep it together, fuck!!” As she finished her frustrated sentence, Rich appeared from the back of the kitchen and walked to her.

“Where is Élise?” He asks us, his arms surrounding his girlfriend quickly.

“She and Reid are talking,” I say, taking another shot for myself. “I’m gonna have a smoke.”

But they are already mumbling things to each other so they don't notice I walk out. I was glad to know, for me and for Tina, that Élise did not tell Jeni and Rich about it. Not even Reid seems to know until now. All this time I was sure they knew. It was good to know. It was the least Élise could do for Tina at this point, to keep it as private as possible.

As I walk out to the balcony, expecting to find many people, I see that most of the party has moved inside. Only a couple of guys were outside, sharing a joint. I light myself a cigarette, watching the buildings and lights from here and feeling relief that Élise was going to save me some work and tell Reid that I already know.

I’m not in the mood to explain long stories to get to my point. Especially when he just proved to be great at distracting me. I was going to be patient and wait for Élise to tell him, so he can come and apologize. I hoped for him to look as crashed as she did, they deserved to feel bad for the bad thing they did. I wanted to skip to the part where I called him a liar as soon as possible.

Chapter Text

Chapter 31. “Anger.”

<3

I stayed on the balcony for as long as I could. I was, somehow, waiting for Reid to come by and say his apology. I was almost impatient for him to tell me a long monologue about what he did and how sorry he was. He better have a great apology on his mind because I’m not going easy on him.

I’m not even going easier on myself. Feeling dumb and stupid, feeling small and alone. I feel as weak as I used to before and it made me mad that I allowed the feeling to come back to me once again.

After everything I’ve been through, after being betrayed by the closed people in my life, I’m standing here and waiting for a stranger to feel remorse about me. Fucking stupid I am.

But as time went by, the party continued and I didn't leave. Élise and Reid were nowhere to be seen. Moshe showed up again, still drunk and asked me why I was alone. I didn’t mention what happened, only shrugged and told him I was having a smoke. He joined me for one on the balcony, asking me about the bar since they’ve been gone.

He mentioned he’s been insisting to the band to play at Underground again, but because of the tour and all Jeny found it almost impossible.

“I bet Mery misses us, does she? Please say she does.” Moshe pouts but then giggles, making me follow him.

“I’m sure she does, our numbers were really high when you guys were there.”

He offered another drink for me and I accepted, completely tired of the amount of sobriety I'm in. We played a drinking game with some of Moshe's classmates. He introduced me to them but I quickly forgot all of their names as I took shot after shot.

And before I couldn’t control it, I was drunk. Laughing at jokes I couldn’t understand, talking about some of them about college and their classes, Moshe told all of them I was the one that painted the flier of the band and it was followed by questions about my paintings. I even told some of them my art account so they could see the rest of my paintings.

When I go out for another smoke, Moshe follows me telling me that he noticed I was alone and didn’t want me to get bored. Jeny and Rich were nowhere to be seen either and when he asked about Élise and Reid again, I shrugged to avoid it.

We smoke in silence for a few seconds as I think what the fuck am I still doing here.

So I decide, completely frustrated and seeing that I’m getting out of choices, to see how much information I can get from Moshe now that he’s drunk. Not exactly the moral thing to do with someone drunk but I fell out of options.

“You know Reid a lot, right?” I ask him.

“Maybe I know him way too much.” Moshe shakes his head, chuckling.

“Is he being strange lately?” I quickly look at him and wait for his answer as I fear that he may notice something weird on my question.

Moshe thinks for a second, then shrugs. “He may always have been a little strange. He works a lot to hide it, tho.”

That didn’t exactly answer my question so I debated if I should be more direct with my next question. Insted, Moshe starts to ramble.

“Besides, Reid kinda shifts his mood weekly. I’m sure if he acted weird a few seconds ago, it would be different now.” Moshe exhales the smoke and continues: “He’s very sensitive, as if he moves by the energy around him, even good or bad.”

I nod, smoking in silence and I wonder if they share everything, if after spending so much time being friends with someone it’s almost inherent to know what they are thinking of or why. Back when I spent everyday with Cassie, she learned to read me and I learned to read her. It was easy for us to find each other's discomforts. It wasn’t until I started to change that our relationship did.

“Why? Did Reid do something to you?” I hear Moshe ask, “I can punch him for you, you know.”

That makes me giggle, “No, it’s okay.” Even so, the offer sounded tempting. “He didn’t do anything to me… that I know off.” I added the last part wondering if it would make Moshe add something else but he didn’t.

We changed the subject, Moshe talking about Mery again and I found out through him that he knows Mery from a long time ago. He mentioned she was an old neighbor of his when he was a child. She moved years later and they didn’t run into each other until Moshe moved here for college.

“I was the one that got out shift at Underground. Before that, we were playing at college functions with no payment.”

“I didn’t know that, wow. I always thought Mery pulled the band from the bar’s promo.”

“It is. That’s how I found her again.”

The information made me glad. Now, at least Mery is someone I can ask questions just to be sure. After learning that I’ve been searched behind my back, maybe I will be following the same lead as Reid and start googling all the band’s names to make sure I can trust them.

After a few seconds of silence, Moshe is not even looking at me as he stares into the horizon and then mumbles: “Mery… sounds like Marie, uh?”

Frowning, I look at him in silence and then I just answer “What?” Lost on how he was even thinking about that.

At this point, I’m pretty sure he and Reid know my full legal name, they may even know things I would rather they don’t considering Reid’s auctions behind my back. But, why is he bringing it up? Moshe has always been the momeber of the band that I think it’s the hardest to read and reach, he’s mysterious and unpredictable and a wage of fear covers my body all of the sudden.

Realizing the effect of his words, Moshe shakes his head quickly, “I’m sorry…”

“Ress!” My name being called made me jump, especially after such interactions. Then, Reid was coming out on the balcony at a quick pace and Moshe took the opportunity to run inside, leaving me still confused.

With my face still frowning, Reid stares at me with wide eyes and heavy breathing. He looks different than before Élise burst into the room. His chill and sexy demeanor was off, he was now serious and seemed to be hyper aware of his surroundings. At this point, I don’t know if I can blame his red checks for being drunk because he looks as if he got sober.

“I… couldn’t find you.” Is the only words he says as his breathing goes back to normal. He does sound like he’s been running, which is hard to do in a place full of people.

“I’ve been here.” Is the only thing I answer. Now that I know he and Élise had talked, he must know everything so I can’t put my neutral face back up. And after Moshe’s comment, I feel even more uneasy. The three of them have definitely been having some conversations in private that the thought of them made me nervous.

Reid stays quiet too, his eyes are glued to me as if he’s trying to read my mind. He looks nervous, his hands are shaking and I only notice because I avoid his eyes again. I can feel the shame going through his body, I can see him thinking on his next move. And I don’t want to make it easier for him.

“I…” he looks around, noticing we are not alone on the balcony, some people hanging out in one of the corners, “C’mon.” Reid takes my hand and starts to walk inside the apartment.

It's so sudden I can't even throw my unfinished smoke away properly, it falls down my hand. Despite how mad I am now, his touch still makes me feel a little feverish, so I try to pull it off from his hand, but he doesn’t let me.

Reid guides me through my party at the end of the hallway, leaving Jeni’s room behind because we get inside the same room where we slept together last time I was here. The place where I layed happily thinking I could finally breathe more relaxed just to get the air cut out now.

Two people were inside making out, so Reid quickly asked them to go out. As we stay alone, I stare into the bed and wonder if I stayed there and now I am having a nightmare. I wonder if this is the last time I would speak with Reid after tonight. And I feel nervous all of the sudden. What he’s about to say would define if I would ever see him again or this is the only trick I’m allowing him.

And most likely it’s the second option.

Reid takes a seat on the edge of the bed and waits for me to follow him but I don’t. I keep my distance and don’t sit down, only leaning against the door and waiting for his words. As focused as I was on not looking at him, now my eyes were glued to him. I wanted to see his reactions, I wanted to see the regret in his eyes and, one part of me, was glad he was not as relaxed as he used to be when I came by.

He plays with his hands, his eyes are the ones avoiding me now as he asks me: “You said you were going to ask me something earlier?”

Fucking coward. I feel the need to laugh but I stay in silence. I keep a straight face as I answer. “I forgot.” I play dumb.

Because I don’t want to make it easier for him. Even if I know, even if he knows I know, I want to hear the words from him. I want him to tell me exactly what’s up, why is he nervous and every detail of what he did.

Reid nods, his eyes start avoiding mine now. He looks ashamed, I can feel all the energy of his body shifted, he’s not the guy that was smoking with me and kissing me like an hour ago.

He was more tense now and I was glad we were both almost sober for this conversation. He was also more distant, once I pulled my hand away when we entered the room, he did not touch me more and I was glad he was aware I most likely wouldn't let him.

“How 's Élise?” I ask to break the silence, staring at my feet.

“She’s not okay, I let her sleep…” He mumbles, running his hands through his face.

“She asked me about Tina earlier, is it…”

“I know you know.” He interrupts me, his voice sounding lower and a little broken, he even clears his throat. Staring at his lap, he looks like he’s confessing a crime.

“Know what?” I play dumb one more time, pushing the words out of him.

Reid pulls his head up, looking directly at me and for the first time since I arrived, I looked at him back, not risking looking away and seeing weak. Now, I’m stronger than I was when I first arrived at the party. His ignorance was worse for me because his distraction could easily pull mine. Now, there was no way back.

“I’ve been searching for news about you.” He slowly mumbles. The confession runs around the room as I think on how to answer. I was expecting him to ramble his way out of it, not being so direct.

I nodded once, “Wy?” I ask after the silence was unbearable.

“It doesn’t matter…”

“Of course it matters.” I frown, starting to feel more frustrated. I’ve been trying to not show the anger on me, but it was coming to the surface.

“You are mad…”

“Why?” I crossed my arms, a frown now permanent in my face. This is the first time I’m even speaking to him this brave. Anger is such a personal feeling, can not be expressed to just anyone around because it holds such an intimacy within itself. This feels more personal than any time we’d had sex.

With a sigh, Reid stands up walking to me but I take a step back and my back immediately hits the door. He stays still, a face of worry as he sees me so distant.

“I’m sorry…”

Rolled my eyes, hating his constant apology now, despite the fact I was almost earning for it before. “Why, Reid?”

“I… I was curious…”

“Curious? Fucking curious?” I started to scream and the second I realized I took a deep breath. “About what? Me?”

Reid looks at me as if he doesn’t understand why I don’t understand. “Yeah, of course you.”

“Why not ask me, then?” It was more a rhetorical question. Of course he wouldn’t ask me, I ask to not do it. But I also asked to not do this, and he still did.

Shaking his head, Reid passes his hands through his hair as he starts to walk around the room. “Ress, I've tried to respect your boundaries.”

My breathing gets faster as the anger, a feeling that I’ve tried to push away for so long, finally comes back to me. “Oh, are you? Is searching about me behind my back respecting my boundaries?”

“You weren’t supposed to find out…”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry, then, how dare I.” I sarcastically say and turn around to open the door and leave because I don’t want to see his lost puppy face anymore, but Reid’s hand is quickly on my shoulder.

“Please, don’t leave, let me explain.” I hear him, as I’m still turning my back to him. I think about it for a second, wondering if I should just leave now, but I’m here with a purpose so I close the door.

I pull away from his touch and walk to the bed, sitting for the first time and crossing my arms as I keep my straight face.

“I’m asking the questions.” I stare into his eyes. Reid nods, walking and sits next to me. “Why? And don’t say it’s because you were curious.”

He stays quiet for a second and I arch my eyebrow at him, getting impatient.

Reid sighs, shaking his head as if he’s debating on the right words. “I was curious at first, as much as you hate to hear it. Then… I was worried about you.” Reid looks at me, his eyes are almost shameful. “I… kinda was trying to know your reasons for running away without asking you because I know you wouldn’t like to talk to me. Then… It was like a reminder of how much time you will spend here before you think you need to leave.” Clearing his throat, he continues. “What I mean is that… I wanted to make sure no news was going out about where you are right now because… that will mean you’ll leave.”

His last sentence struck me in shock because he’s right about that, but different from him I’m not googling my name. Even that I’m afraid of, I rather the calmness of ignorance.

After debating on my next words, I ask: “How much do you know?” in fear for an answer I won’t like.

“Nothing different from the first news that came out.”

I look at him as if he was dumb. “Then, what was the point?”

Reid shakes his head, his hands are a mess in his laps as he looks nervous. He doesn’t answer, I guess the point on why he did it won’t have an answer because he doesn’t know it himself.

“What do you know now?” I ask directly now, letting my hands drop to my lap as I feel tired of all of this. I haven’t been this angry in a while, it’s exhausting.

“Um, your parents' names.” That itself startled me. “I know that they are rich or whatever. I’ve read the timeline from your case…” he chokes on his words and then continues. “I mean, all the timeline up for the police report.”

“Where do they think I am now?” I mumble, almost afraid of the answer.

“They lose your track on Montreal.”

I breathe and relax for the first time in the whole night. At least some fucking good news.

“Why does Élise know? Have you and her been searching for news about me together?”

Reid quickly shakes his head, his eyes open in anxiety. “No, I swear. She found out by accident.”

“By accident?”

“Yeah… um, she saw my computer.”

I nod, standing up and now it is me who is walking in circles in the room. There’s too much on my head right now, I wish I was less sober now. Maybe I need another drink. This seems so pointless, as if we are not getting anywhere and yet he is confirming that I shouldn't trust him. The only thing that I was sure of by now is that I made a mistake in thinking I can trust him.

“And what about Tina?” I stop in front of him.

He tilts his head up to find my eyes again. “I didn’t know about Tina. I swear, I just found out she… um, runned away too.”

“So is only Élise searching for news about Tina and you about me?”

Reid shrugs. “I’m guessing, yeah. I found out that Élise was doing it just now. I swear I didn’t know.”

Okay, good to know that Élise was careful enough.

“You would’ve told me if you knew?” I ask, knowing the answer.

Reid looks at me as if I just found the losing piece of the game. And I won, because he shakes his head slowly and I do my best to hide my jump of surprise, even though it’s not a surprise at all.

Feeling like my throat is closing out, I search for what I need to know before it is inevitable that I run out the door. The room is getting smaller and smaller.

“Who else knows?”

“That Tina runned away…?”

“About you and Élise searching for news about us.” I repeat the big issue again, wondering if he knows that it’s the biggest problem of it all. Not that me and Tina runned away, there’s nothing to fix or find out about it, it’s the digging in the past, the searching for answers we don’t want to give behind our backs.

“No one. I swear. It’s like… it’s as if me and Élise always knew it was wrong so… we kept it a secret. Even for each other until now.” He sounds like he’s realizing how bad the situation is, all the strong confidence of his voice has now faded.

“Why did you do it if you knew it was wrong?”

“I… guess I didn’t care.” Reid looks down at his lap, an aura of shame and regret it’s all I see when I look at him, but his words struck me in such an honesty that the cruelty of it all makes me shake.

“Right.” I mumble and walk to the door away, now decided to leave.

As I opened the door again, I heard him behind me.

“Please, Ress, you don’t have to run away from me.”

“Well, that’s what I’m doing.”

And as I’m about to close the door I heard him. “Why, because it’s easier?”

I get paralyzed for one second. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this anger. The feeling is so strong and warm that my whole body it’s like a recharge of energy. I feel my hands shake as I go back inside with my face burning red and I slap him. Right across his face. I don’t even think about the action or the reaction of it, I just feel it as if it was nausea, impossible to stop it.

“Fuck you, Reid!” I scream at him, strange tears falling down my eyes and I don’t realize I’m crying until it’s too late. “You don’t know shit about me! There’s not enough news out there for you to ever know me so don’t you fucking dare to tell me whats easier or not.”

The red spot of my slap lays on his face, his body gets frozen but still he screams “Then tell me! Tell me Ress, I’m willing to listen.”

“I don’t give a fuck if you are willing to listen when I’m not willing to tell you. I don’t trust you!” I scream out, frustrated that he can stand there and make me like this.

“Why not? I didn’t tell anyone I swear…” His face looks in pain, as if he just realized how much of a fuck up this was.

“Why not?!” I repeat his words, hating his audacity. “You did exactly what I asked you not to do!”

“You asked me not to ask questions and I haven’t!.. I won’t!”

“But you have!” I throw my hands over my face, trying to clean the mess of tears that are making me feel embarrassed. “Is searching about me behind my back better?”

I see him touch his face, the red spot now being stronger but I can’t get close to feeling bad for him. I wish I could hurt him the way they had hurted me. I would never pronounce the words, it would be giving him more power than he already has over me and that I’m not willing to do.

He hasn’t realized what this means for me. He hasn’t realized that he pushed me to trust him to the point that I was almost earning for him, earning for his care and worry, only for now I hate it with such a deep feeling that I wish I could pass some of the pain he causes me to him.

“I’m sorry, Ress.” I hear him mumble one more time. The silence is loud around us.

I realize then that it doesn’t matter. I can stay here all night long, scream at him of how much I hate what he did, listen to him apologize over and over again and even then, there’s no way back. I could never trust him again. I could never feel comfortable around him again.

The heaviness of my secrets are still mine and the pain that comes with them are too. He doesn’t know what he broke on me. He doesn’t know that my fear of them is stronger than any other feeling I can ever have so each time he apologizes, the words are empty for me. They don’t have any meaning anymore.

Scoffing, I take the door handle and open it again. “Yes, I’m running from you, Reid. I don’t want to see you ever again.” it’s the last thing I said, before closing the door behind me.

He didn't stop me this time and even if he did, I was determined to never see him again. I wanted to never see him or his friends, they may be as untrusting as he is. If Élise and him did it, why can’t they too? If Élise did it even with Tina holding her heart in her sleeve for her, why wouldn’t Reid when I can even dare to open myself up that way?

I don’t know them, I don’t know any of them. For all I know, they are all strangers and untrusting.

I successfully leave the party without running into anyone that can question my face of shock and anger. When I finally stand on the lonely street, I cry all my way home.

I’m as lonely as I’ve always been.

Chapter Text

Chapter 32: “Unofficial first tour”

<3

Reid.

<3

Regret is a feeling I was born with. Before even knowing what love was, regret was all that my body and brain could feel. When I started to feel different things, I thought the regret would fade out of me with time but it only got stronger. Loving made me regret more things, caring and even not caring. All the feelings of the world have regret within itself. And it’s too painful.

As the first unofficial tour of the band starts, I was hoping I felt excited that we finally have all we’ve been working on. But I walk around looking like a ghosh and I’m not the only one. At this point, our band could be called Les Misérables and it would be fitting.

Moshe usually looks like he’s miserable, not because he’s not or because he’s too much of it, that’s just how he looks. Me and Élise are usually the other part of the visual, the more attracting and seducing part so it can be a fine balance. But on the last rehearsal we had, Élise and I looked more like Moshe for Jeni’s taste.

Besides having Ress hating me and out of my life because she doesn’t trust me, I have Élise looking at me with regret as if she ruined her relationship and whatever I had with Ress at the same time. Élise looks more miserable than I could ever put into words. She has apologized more than once since I found out what happened. Élise looks at me with pretty eyes, as she is also responsible for what happened with me and Ress. But it’s not true, I brought that to myself.

Jeni was so upset it was hard for her to cool down. We even started thinking of having Rich on the road so he could keep her calm, but the suggestion only made her more upset. She’s pussing me and Élise to look less miserable, she was screaming at Moshe because me and Élise still have the same long face and she even screamed at Inés, when she did a recommendation for a promotion.

We all looked on edge because of something. I didn’t even realize Moshe was like that too. It’s an advantage to always have a sad serious face, that way people don't realize how much you’ve changed if you happen to feel sad. But with Moshe, due to his permanent misery, it was hard to notice until it was time for him to speak. He was not speaking, no more than to answer questions.

Jeni was in contact with a college group of people that were helping us with the sound and because Moshe is our main compositor, Jeni needed his approval for all the stage plans with the lights, the visuals and the positions of the microphones, but Moshe couldn’t care less. He answered with nods and shrugs, keeping his eyes on his phone.

Thursday, the night before we went on the road, Jeni was crying out of stress and I felt like a shit friend. She was basically doing all of our work and we were not being helpful. I stayed with her, apologizing for being a dick and assuring her I would speak with Moshe.

“If Moshe it’s not in the mood, I understand. I even understand whatever it’s happening with Élise and you, but you guys need to reschedule your sad time because now we are busy, okay?” Jeni pressed and I nodded, feeling even dumb she needed to tell me that.

We need to get back on our focus, but I was not able to speak with Moshe at all. To speak with Élise was easier. After such an uncomfortable conversation, we both knew what we were going through, so putting some sense in her mind was easier. Moshe, on the other hand, was so distant it was scaring me. Me and Élise hold the reason for our sad face in our forehead, but no one, not even me, can name a reason to be sure of why Moshe it’s acting strange.

Still, we managed to pack the van and be ready to start our journey early Friday morning. Sitting on the edge of the slipper door of the van, I have a cigarette as I think of all the regret that it’s hurting my body. After what happened with Ress, all I could think about it regret.

I can see Jeni giving Rich and Moshe orders to put some cages in the back of the van, she was adding tape and titles to each box and I was proud to see her so focused. Élise's stuff was already packed, she was sitting on the stairs of mine and Moshe’s building. She was staring at her phone and then to the street. Her leg was moving in fast anxiety and I felt so bad for her, I didn’t even dare to ask her how she’s doing.

As I see her anxiously wait for something, I light myself a cigarette and just think. I try to focus on the positives: the tour, the opportunities to share our music and the increase we were having on streams. On the bad side, everytime I think about Ress it feels like a punch on my stomach.

I feel like the worst person in the world. The moment Élise confessed what had happened with tears in her eyes, I knew I was about to lose Ress. It’s not like I’ve ever had her, but she gave me small pieces and I was more than happy with them. Sadly, I couldn’t even have them anymore. She said she doesn’t want to see me again and I believe her on that. So sad our last moment together was like that.

I wouldn’t want to see myself either. An asshole, someone who tells lies to a broken person, some that takes advantage of the given trust. I felt like I broke her, after insisting over and over that I wouldn’t do this to her, then I did it and it was for nothing.

I still don’t know more about her and now she hates me.

As I continue smoking in silence, refusing to help with the remaining boxes, I see Tina walking closer to us. She looks different. She used to remind me of Élise a lot, a strong personality and aura, completely open and fun. But now that I know her secret, against her will and mine, I couldn't help but to see her like Ress.

She had the same scared eyes that Ress was always wearing around. That armor on her body, protecting herself and an expression of fear and confusion, but never with cowardice.

Seeing her in that mood made me worry about Ress, and one part of me almost wishes she would show up too, but she doesn't. Élise lights up at the sight of Tina, but Tina is distant as they walk away to talk to private. I see them get away, wishing for the best so at least Élise can feel better.

I didn’t decide yet if I was mad at her or not, because I quickly decided it didn’t matter.

By the time the doors of the van was being pushed close, holding the mess of Moshe’s drums, Élise was walking back, this time on her own and looking worse than she was just this morning when she arrived.

I didn’t ask questions, neither did Moshe but he did offer his shoulder. I was the first on the scheduled drive. We will be driving three hours to the first city, where we will stay the weekend and play tonight and Saturday in a college’s small conference room. Tickets were sold, though.

As I drive, Jeni immediately pushes my hand away and she gets in charge of the playlist. I let her, sometimes it’s nice to let her think for me. In the back, Élise is still sobbing on Moshe’s shoulder, who is staring at the window, ignoring the crying Élise. Inés, who we were bringing just because Jeni insisted she needed an assistant for the pictures and videos, was already asleep, eye’s covered. Jeni was rolling her eyes on the front seat, as she stares in the driving mirror everytime Élise can hold it and her cries go louder.

I can see Jeni biting her lip more than once, holding the urge to say something. I even shake my head to her, giving her an understanding smile and turning the music up. Fighting now was not the solution, and I knew neither I was in the mood to hear whatever Jeni was going to say.

I knew she was upset because she didn’t plan for all of our moods to be completely fucked up by the time this tour started. Her hopes were very high and now we were acting just as we’ve promised we wouldn’t. So I try my best to hide whatever was happening to my brain, any thought of Ress and the fact that I won’t see her again, all so Élise can have the free pass to cry if she wants to.

When we arrived at the small hotel that was rented for the weekend, I almost moaned in relief knowing my body is completely tired and all I need now it’s get some sleep. That always helps my crazy head.

Élise wasn’t crying anymore, but she was quiet as she helped unpacked the van. Moshe was more lighted up now, talking and filtering with Inés as if he just realized she was with us. Jeni was strangely quiet as well, but I didn’t make a comment.

We were divided in two rooms, all girls will share one three bedroom and me and Moshe will share one two bed room. I was dragging my feed and bags on the floor as I made my way. I felt exhausted, as if I had a hangover and was anxious. Moshe doesn’t talk as I choose one bed and throw my things away, lying to fall asleep. Moshe disappears into the bathroom.

I only slept for about four hours, before I was shaken awake because we had to get ready. We needed to be there one hour before for soundcheck and Élise was doing me and Moshe’s makeup on the improvised backstage room we had.

Élise was in a totally different mood by the time we met in the van, ready to go. She looked in disgust at Moshe and I’s jeans and shirts, shaking her head as she went back to her room. Inés is cleaning and pulling up some cameras, the ones Jeni was planning to use and film all the performances.

As Jeni reads us the documents for authorization of our entry to the campus and the people that would help us with the event, Élise shows up with the new clothes for me and Moshe. We changed into dressing black pants and white shirts. Moshe’s shirt ended up open, Élise suggesting it would be good for his look. I was done the same and forced to wear a tie that I need help to put on. We let her do whatever she wanted with our hair, I was sure I almost heard Moshe yawn.

I’m hardly in the mood to be upstage, I don’t care about my looks right now and Moshe looks just like me but has no energy to try and hide it as I am. As Élise finished her makeup on the front seat, and Moshe got to drive, Jeni and Inés were talking about the camera work they were planning to do. I stared into the window and wondered why I’m not excited that this is starting.

With Ress still in my head, everytime my phone rings I get the delusional hope that it would be her, even knowing that she doesn’t have a phone. It’s always mom, call that I always ignore because I don’t need that right now.I spent the ride practicing the lyrics in my head, making sure I don’t forget any lines or beats because I’m all lost in thoughts.

The soundcheck was fine, the place was small but enough to hold inside 500 people. The stage didn’t really have a back place, so we had to try on the instruments all in the front of the stage as the people started to arrive. A very public soundchek that went fine and then we were playing as the place got full.

We ended the first night very successfully, Jeni made most of our visuals and she prepared a special ending with a set of lights. She was smiling by the time we were sweating and waiting turns to the small bathroom that was available for us. We managed to perform without looking like we didn't want to be there.

I thought we would be going as soon as the concert ended, but I was quickly pushed by Jeni and Inés. A bunch of drunk college students wanted to meet the band, so I put on my best smile and chatted and gave hugs to strangers. All I tried to remember was that this was the beginning of what we always wanted, so I should be more relaxed. I even accepted a beer that was eventually pushed in my hand.

We ended the night sharing a bottle of wine, tosting over our first night of a long two months of this over and over again. I was able to sleep as soon as I touched the bed, as Moshe. Jeni, Élise and Inés stayed awake until late, checking the videos and making the post to our socials.

Our first weeks went like that, on me working hard on keeping myself focused and ignoring whatever I was thinking about. Élise and Moshe were acting just as me, forcing us to work because this is what we’ve been waiting for. As the time went by, I realized we were only talking about the band or anything regarding the concerts, normal and trivial conversations. The last chat we had was regarding the gas money. Quickly, I felt sad at the realization. I loved being in a band with my friends because they were my friends. I didn't want us to lose that, so I plan on approaching them.

On week four, one more month before this is over, I decide to approach Élise. We haven’t spoken since the party in Jeni’s place. She was wearing her I'm always good face, the tears that she had cried were quickly putted behind her and she didn't stop, not even once second, focusing on the tour.

I thought it was easier to speak with her first considering I know what is happening to her. Or at least I can guess. For the first time since we met each other, it’s Moshe who I can’t read.

We are outside of a college campus, our concert and “unofficial '' meet and greet had ended. It was Saturday, a day we woke up way past noon because we were invited to a party and got wasted. Jeni said that ruined our schedule for the day, so we needed to be more careful.

Inés and Jeni went to find food, as Moshe said he will take care of the van so we don’t have to carry his drums all the way to the parking lot. I sat on the stairs next to Élise. I light up a cigarette and offer her one, to which she shakes her hand and instead, takes out a joint.

I snicker, as I give her my lighter. “Ça va, chérie?” I ask her, looking at her costume today. She looks very pretty, mostly wearing green tonight. She wanted to use different colors for each stage, to which of course Moshe and I just went along with her. We didn’t have many clothes, we were mostly wearing the stuff she was giving us.

Élise nods, smoking her joint. Under her makeup, I can still see her red eyes that are not at all related to what she was smoking now.

“I saw that Tina came around that day before we went.” I let out a breath of smoke, side eyeing her as I tried to read her reaction to my words. “Are… I mean, are you okay?”

Élise doesn’t say anything, but she shakes her head. I try my best to not give her pity on my expression, even if I did feel bad for her. I put my arms around her shoulder, pushing her to my side so I can hug her. As I lay a kiss on her head, I hear her softly whimper but she quickly puts her single tear away.

“She said she doesn’t want to see me again.” Élise mumbles with her face still buried in my shoulder.

Giving another shaky inhale to my smoke, I nod. “Yeah, Ress said the same to me.” I clear my throat, suddenly feeling sore.

This made Élise whine more, as she now uses both of her arms to hug me. “Oh, Ress, I’m so sorry I ruined it all for us.”

Shushing her, I rub her back. “You didn’t ruin anything, chérie, c’mon.”

“But I did.” She pulled away from me, this time her tears completely ruined her eyeshadow. She continued smoking as she tried to stop crying. Her hands are shaking and the weather it’s not even cold. “I can’t believe I was the one that ruined it all, I’m so stupid!”

“Hey.” I grab her hand so she can look back at me. “If anything, we both ruined it, okay? But don’t be so harsh on yourself.” Usually, these words are said by her to me but this time I guess things are different.

“That’s easy for you to say!” Élise pulls her hand from me, “I care about Tina so much, I wanted her to trust me so that way she can love me one day!” As she goes, her voice goes louder and angrier. “You don’t care about Ress more than the next girl you hook up with, that’s why this has been so easy for you!” Élise stands up, as if she needed to put physical distance between us.

I stare at her, confused on why she is taking it on me but I guess I did it to myself. I keep smoking as I watch her walk around, checking to see if someone is coming back and she finishes the joint all by herself.

“I do care about Ress.” I say after the silence was too long.

Élise turns her face to look at me, arching her eyebrow. “You don’t even look upset about all of this.”

“I am fucking upset, but you are more. And we are in the middle of this, so what do you want me to do? Should I lay down on the floor and cry?” I sigh, feeling confused on how I’m doing this wrong, besides the fucking obvious.

Élise starts to cry again and I take a deep breath, feeling like an asshole quickly. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong but I found myself standing up and hugging her to me again. I comfort her in silence but she is the one that mumbles between cries:

“I just can’t stand that you are not mad at me.” I frown at her words, thinking that I was actually doing the right thing at not adding that to the list of things she may be upset about. “Tina was the same… she didn’t scream, she didn’t yell, she wasn’t mad…” pushing away from my chest, Élise stares at my eyes with her tearfulls. “She just gave me this look… this look as if I stabbed her. And I did, I completely did it.” she cries again. “I’d rather if she was mad at me but she just looks at me as if I destroyed her.”

I listen to her words and feel heartbroken for her. I’ve never seen Élise like this before, she’s usually the sunlight in our group, the spark of happiness. This side of her made me feel bad about the fact I hadn't realized how serious it was between her and Tina. Of course I knew it was something, but never expected Élise to be this sad, this destroyed. I know what look she was talking about because that was the exact same way Ress looked at me when she closed the door and told me she didn’t want to see me again. And it hurted me, but Élise was definitely having the hardest time.

I don’t give an answer to Élise because I don’t have one. Just as I didn’t have answers when Ress asked. I just stand by her, letting her cry on my shoulder as we wait for our friends. At least the night it’s warm tonight, but Élise feels cold.

Chapter Text

Chapter 33 “Bad news.”

<3

Reid

Élise was confirmed to be heartbroken but she was still wearing her all good face. She looked focused and Jeni seemed to appreciate it. She was very happy because our first album was finally out and the songs were getting more streams as the tour went by. The results were positive despite our depressing behaviors, but that was good enough for Jeni.

I don’t know if Jeni found out or Élise told her, but she was starting to be less mad with everyone and feeling bad for Élise. Jeni was still always screaming orders around and making sure we didn't screw it up. But also, she was listening to anything that Élise said, even if she didn’t care, she was paying attention to Élise meals and how many drinks she was having at the few after parties we had been invited to the last weekends.

It was good to see Élise push through it, it was a good reminder that I could do it too. Heartbroken it’s not the word I would use to describe what I’m feeling. I’m actually still confused, all feelings were left at Jeni’s apartment and even if I was thinking about Ress, I was not thinking about how I was feeling about the whole thing that happened.

It feels easier when there’s so much to do now.

Moshe, however, seems to have other plans. He was being distant with everyone, not just me. As the nights went by and he got drunk, he usually flirted with Inés but didn’t make any moves. Then he disappeared into our room before me and by the time I was going to bed, he was emerging from the bathroom.

Maybe I was being a bad friend by not speaking to him. All we talked about it’s the gigs. We haven’t even spoken about what happened with Ress, even if I suspect he knows because Élise must have told him by now. I’m guessing, but he was not talking to Élise either.

Tonight, only one weekend left before the tour is over, I’m being cheered up by Élise and Jeni to speak with Moshe. They insisted that even if they tried, he wouldn't open up to them and we were all already tired of the rule of giving him time. A whole two months was almost over and he was not acting differently.

It was good to hear I was not the only one that was worried about him, but I was not optimistic about Moshe talking to me either now. He was hard to break when he was in this mood. And this one I don’t even recognize. As the girls go back to the front of the stage, I’m pushed to approach Moshe, I smile at him feeling a little too confident. We are alone in the small improvised backstage.

“Hey, there, haven’t seen you in a while.” I joke, trying to get his attention from his phone.

It works, because Moshe puts his phone away and looks at me with a fake smile. “Hey. When are we having dinner? I’m starving.”

Before I can answer, he’s walking to speak with Jeni about today’s dinner. I don’t give up as the night goes, trying to take any opportunity to start a conversation, but Moshe brushes me away with shrugs and nods.

As we eat, I stare at him to maybe get a hint of whatever he’s going through, but I don’t get anything, besides that cold and mysterious expression he’d always had. I’ve seen him in all types of moods, even ones he’s ashamed of, even ones I’m ashamed of, and after all of that I thought I knew him better.

We went to another after party that night, Jeni insisting that it would be easier to convince the people to follow the band’s instagram. I didn’t really care, as my mind was set in auto mode and was actually in the mood to get drunk.

As we make our way, I get teased by Jeni who says it’s surprising I haven’t hooked up with anyone and the tour it’s almost over. I think about answering her, but then I stay quiet because I didn’t even realize it until now. I was too focused on the tour, I guess.

I debate on whether or not I should make a move on someone. I was surrounded by people the second we got into a stranger’s basement where a party of college students was going along. I was being talked to and praised, free drinks were offered and even some phone numbers were being typed in my phone and into napkins that ended up pushed in my pocket.

Still, the night went without me making any moves on anyone. I was actually exhausted and thinking about a small thing that was bothering me. Like Ress, who I’ve been pushing into the back of my mind but seem to always come back.

I haven't checked for news about Ress since the day Élise found out about it. It’s been long enough now, any update on the case could have been posted and I had not been able to search for it, but somehow wasn’t capable of stopping thinking about it. I could do the google search really quick, but the thought made me feel a growing pain of guilt in my chest.

I ignored the urge of it getting wasted. I felt bad even thinking about it, hating myself for not being able to not care about it, but I do. I care so much that Ress hates me for it. I care about Ress, enough to want to know what the fuck it’s going on. How can she not see that?

The night was successful on Jeni’s plan, as she walked around talking with everyone she could about the band. Already close to four in the morning, I’m sitting at a table drinking alone when I realize that Moshe is next to me. He looks as always, his eyes maybe a little smaller now, and he has a cigarette and holds a drink.

Inés is trying to have Élise to dance, but Élise is focused on sharing the band's information with everyone. She's acting like Jeni, who I can’t find now around the busy living room. I’m very drunk at this point.

“When are we leaving.” I heard Moshe groan and I found myself agreeing with him.

The drinks were affecting me too much now, the place started to feel hot and I knew I was about to vomit. I pushed the urge away, playing with my hands and pushing my hair away from my face but it was useless. I stumbled outside, not even having the strength to look for a bathroom. I ended up vomiting behind a bush in front of the house, kneeling in the ground and making a drunk scene as I felt sorry for myself.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this state.

By the time I was rubbing my hand over my mouth to clean any mess, a cup was being pushed in my face and I looked up to see Moshe. He was looking at me in worry, maybe the same worry I was looking at him before, and insisted that I drink. It was water that immediately made me feel better.

I was able to not make a mess of my clothes and shoes, but my mouth tasted like shit and I was getting sleepy. Moshe offered me gum and helped me sit with me in the corner of the street. The sweat was now better but I felt as if the alcohol didn’t leave my body. Finally, the girls were running out the party and helping Moshe creep me to the van.

The next day, the hangover was a nightmare, especially when playing at the concert that night. I was lectured by Jeni who rolled her eyes at me as she gave me a pill for the headache. I promised to be more careful. My intention wasn’t to ruin everyone's plan of having fun. And I paid the price, playing that night with the worst headache and being the designated driver that sunday. It was definitely karma. But I would say I managed well, I was frowning most of the time because of my head, but the public seemed to like it.

When the gig ended, me and Moshe ditched the after party to which Jeni said she was not about to miss it, so all of them, including Élise, went out. Maybe it was the best time to speak with Moshe, but my tired body won and I heard the bathroom door being shut as I fell asleep.

The weeks were usually calm, only practice in the afternoons and Jeni forcing us to do some vlog for social media and speak about the gigs. Sometimes, Jeni pushed us to college events that were not music related at all, but she wanted to share our music as much as possible. Touring was not on Jeni’s agenda, but Élise managed to whine her way out of getting us to try restaurants and visit some touristic places. Most of them churches, nothing much.

Doing one of the requested lives by Jeni, I dumbly pay attention to the watchers list and have the hidden hope that I could see Ress’s art account. But I didn’t. Élise was the one taking the lead in the conversation, answering questions and giving us clues to join in. I was silent most of the time, but strangely, Moshe went along with Élise. He was talking and joking with her, ended up reading comments too and even made a joke about the cat eating my tongue.

The time passing seems to have made me worse and not better. I don’t know if the fact that I’ve bottle up everything and left it at home, or so I tried, would have made me worse but it seems as it did. Till the point where Moshe was the one acting the most normal, he looks as if he’s not even trying.

It was Wednesday, I was finishing a project for a class that was due the week when we were back. Only four more days and I was not even close to having it done. I’ve been using the tour to do nothing but think of all it comes with it. The music, playing live, the people, the phone numbers stuffed in my pocket, the smiles and filtering in the after parties. Even the bad small hotel rooms and the trips where Jeni would kidnap the stereo. I was trying to enjoy it before it was over and that was going to be soon.

Moshe came inside, putting his box of cigarettes on the closet table. He smiles as he walks around to find his stuff and I smile back feeling confused. He was looking miserable as fuck less than 24 hours ago and now he was suddenly in a good mood. He’s been like this since this morning. Moshe pulls his sheets of music out, checking on some pages as he seats on his bed.

“I’m working on a new song.” I hear him say.

I take my eyes out of my computer to stare at him, snickering as I tease him. “That's why you've been looking like that lately, um.”

“Fuck off.” Moshe laughs, shaking his head as he finds the pages. Then leans over to pass them to me. “Check it out.”

I rolled my eyes at him, focusing back on the unfinished words on my computer. “You know I suck reading music, just play it later.”

Taking the pages back, Moshe checks them up again. “It’s for Élise.” he says.

That’s something Élise would definitely like, she likes to remember she’s loved and it’s nice to see Moshe trying hard to show her, considering her state. The only thing I was doing was trying to get her girl numbers, but that was not working, so I offered to roll her joints. It was definitely not enough.

“That’s nice, does she know?”

Moshe snickers, leaving the pages in the small table between our beds and pulling my guitar from the floor to start playing it softly. “She’s been asking for it for a while, but she doesn’t know it’s almost finished.”

“Almost?”

“I need you to do the lyrics.”

The idea almost made me feel inspired. I needed to do something to show her I was not mad at her, even if she felt that I should. My words were not enough, so this seemed to be good. Moshe has always been good at making things right again.

“Sure, it would cheer her up. Tho, she’s been better lately, right?”

“Difference from you.”

I gaze at him immediately, his words hitting as if they were uncovering one of my secrets. As I narrow my eyes, I look back to my computer as I mumble. “You are one to talk.”

“Oh, c’mon.” He plays a loud note, “how is it that you are not used to my sad face? Some girls say it’s hot…”

“Well, you haven’t been very lucky with that one these past few days, so is it for that?” My serious tone kills his playful one.

Moshe stays quiet and I quickly feel guilty. Moshe likes to tease, he will flirt with anyone but relationships, even only physical ones, were considered a lot of energy for him, so he chose his time to have a break. It’s usually when he’s upset that he pushes everyone away and sadly, that was his common mood.

After a long silence in which I didn’t dare to go back to work because it looked serious, Moshe took a deep breath and gave me a sad shrug. “Same old story.”

Me and Moshe became friends because we both had fucked up childhoods. It sucks, but it’s what happened. Years and years of friendship, with a lot of ups and downs I’m not gonna lie, have taught me everything I need to know about Moshe, the same way he knows everything about me. That way, I know exactly what those words mean when he’s the one pronouncing them. I quickly feel bad that I even brought it up.

I make a shameful face, “I’m sorry.”

Moshe looks calm but serious. He can look so serious he looks like stone.

“It’s no problem.” His voice was cold but at least he was talking to me, as different as the previous weeks. “It’s even fucking annoying at this point.” Moshe rolls his eyes, trying to ease the mood.

I close my computer away from my lap, “Do you need me to…”

“It’s fine” Moshe groaned, but he was smirking. “Like you said, if it was too bad I would tell you.”

I nod, not wanting to push him too much considering he willingly came to talk after weeks of our casual and sometimes even too professional conversations.

“Let’s go have a smoke, I made this joint this morning.” I pushed my computer away, opening the small table between us and taking the joint and a lighter.

Moshe agrees and we end up walking all the way back to the back of the small hotel. Moshe said he had a joint late the other night and the receptionist complained, so it was better to not bother. A field with a few trees and long grass was on the horizon. Luckily, there was a bus stop by the end of the road and we sat down.

As we smoke the joint, we go back to speaking about music, once again. He spent a while telling me his ideas about the song for Élise, he said he had an idea about a title but now that he was thinking about it, it sounded dumb, so he would tell me later. Moshe was not a words person, so I understood.

“Have you heard about Ress?” Moshe asks, giving me a pity look.

“No.”

“She still doesn't have a phone?” He wonders as he gives me the almost finished joint.

“No,” but as I inhale the smoke, I frown in a high thought, “or she does and didn’t want to tell me, I don’t know.”

I feel Moshe weirdly palming my back and as I look at him, he looks kinda weird out. But he’s trying. Moshe doesn’t like physical contact for such sad reasons, that such a friendly gesture from him actually makes me smile. But, being high, instead I started to laugh.

“Oh, fuck off.” Moshe jokes, pushing my shoulder.

I throw the done joint to the road and try to calm my laughter.

“No, but for real,” I hear Moshe continue, “it’s so fucked up. All this with Ress and Tina. I’m sorry you and Élise couldn’t enjoy these gigs.”

“I’ve enjoyed it.” I shrug, getting serious.

“Reid'' Moshe sighs, standing up and walking in slow steps around the road, “you look miserable. And it’s not just me who thinks it, Élise has been crying about it too.”

Those words hurted me, “No, why? I told her that I wasn’t mad at her. That I’m fine.”

“You look like shit.” Moshe rolls his eyes. “And she knows what you said, but she also knows what she did.”

“Still… I’m not even upset about that.” I mumble, annoyed

Moshe leans his head, looking at me as if I was joking with him. “Are you going to lie to me, really? I know what happened.”

“What?” I stood up, trying to avoid his accusatory eyes, “I never said anything about that.”

“Yeah, because you haven’t spoken about it at all. And it’s fucking eating you up, even if you try to deny it.”

I try to scoff a laugh, but I fail. “I… this is completely stupid.”

Moshe arches an eyebrow and then shrugs, “If you say so, I guess.” but then he’s back with his cruel look of -I’m about to tell some truth and you are not gonna like it. “What’s the problem if you are upset about it? Feel it!”

“I’m not upset!” I blame my scream on being high.

“Then, what? You don’t care?”

I scoff again, shaking my head, “What the fuck? Of course I care”

“So?” He pressed.

“So what?” I sigh in a tired voice.

“What are you feeling? Why do you look so miserable?”

“Some girls say it’s hot…” I joke.

“Oh, c’mon.” He rolls his eyes.

“I’m not miserable.” I groaned.

“What are you feeling then?”

“I don’t know…”

“Of course you know.”

“I don’t fucking know!” I scream, looking at him so he knows I mean it. “I just don’t know, okay?”

Moshe nods, “Okay.”

He doesn’t say anything else and I’m glad because I need a minute. The whole subject made me angry and I was not even sure why I was angry. The sun was setting and I thought that Jeni must be going crazy about us not being at practice already. We remain in silence, Moshe offers me a lighted cigar and I gladly take it.

Regret has been my most common feeling, but I can’t say it’s the only one. I can’t also say for certain what the others are, they are just there making me feel overwhelmed. If I think too much about it, then I will think about Ress and I’m trying as hard as I can to not do it.

Eventually, we made our way back because it was too late already.

“I’m sorry for lashing out.”

“It’s okay, it’s better than you being all quiet.” Moshe jokes.

“Not, but for real…”

“It’s fine, Reid. I’m just worried about you.”

We reached the hotel and the sun was almost fully set. Both of our phones were at our rooms and we knew they must be full of missed calls, so we walked straight to the girls room where we’ve been having the practice today because it was the closest to the parking lot, where Moshe had to unloaded his drums, for which he groaned about.

The door was already open and Jeni was impatiently waiting at the door. As soon as she saw us, I was expecting a look of anger but instead, she looked pale. Her shoulders were down, she was frowning and all the color in her face was gone.

“Ça va?” Moshe asks her as we get close.

Jeni only shakes her head and walks inside to let us in. Élise is in her bed, at the corner of the room, hugging her knees to her chest as she’s crying. Moshe quickly walked to her and tried to ask her what’s wrong, but she was not talking. The TV was on and I noticed that Inés was nowhere to be found.

Confused, I looked at Jeni who closed the door and walked to grab the remote of the tv.

“What 's going on?” I sit on the edge of the middle bed, guessing it’s Inés’s, the closest to Élise’s. “Where 's Inés?”

Jeni shushes me and puts the tv volume on. Élise gives me a pity look before burying her head in Moshe’s shoulder. It was the news, the headline having Ress name on it and quickly I was worried that things were going to where I was more afraid of. Jeni looked terrified and Moshe kept a serious face as the news got on.

“...This afternoon the parents of Marie Ress Elizandria were notified and they are already going through the DNA process to have confirmation if the found body belongs to Marie Ress Elizandria. The French police it’s certain the body found two weeks ago in the South of France belongs to Marie Ress, due to all the evidence that points to her identity. However, this is still an ongoing investigation and the found body it’s still tagged as Jane Doe until it can be confirmed to belong to Marie Ress. Remember that Marie Ress Elizandria disappear from her house…”

Someone turns the tv off. Someone asks me if I’m fine but I don’t answer. I don’t move for a whole minute, feeling my body frozen. My brain was processing the words and the distants cries of Élise were not helping. As I tried to stand up, I found my body feeling strangely weak.

“Reid!” Moshe screams and suddenly I’m stumbling up, touching my pockets for my phone.

“Fuck, I don’t have my phone.” I groaned frustrated. “Jeni, give me your phone.”

“Reid, stop.” Moshe says but I focused on Jeni, who looks around for her phone.

“Who are you calling?”

“We need to call Rich! Tell him to go and check on Ress.” I say the words quickly, not caring if they would give me reactions.

But they do, because Jeni stops looking for her phone and I feel hands in my shoulder that make me jump but then I calm down as Moshe talks.

“You need to sit down, okay?” He’s pushing me so I don’t have a choice. “You can’t ask Rich to do that.”

“Why not? It’s just to make sure.”

“I don’t think Ress would exactly talk with Rich.” Jeni adds, sitting next to me and starts to brush my hair with her hand.

“They don’t need to talk, he just needs to make sure she’s okay.” I mumble frustrated, confused on how this is hard to do.

“Reid, c’mon.” Jeni looks at me with sorrow.

“How about Tina?” I stand up, running to Élise and kneeling in front of her, whose cheeks are still wet. “Call Tina, ask her to check on Ress.”

Élise cries harder at my words but I just feel like I’m about to go crazy. Not even caring that my suggestions sounded offended for Élise. Frustrated, I stand up and start walking to the door.

“I’ll call her myself, then.”

But Moshe is on my way again, giving me a look of disapproval that I hate as soon as I see it. “You need to calm down.”

“I’m fucking calm!” I scream and as soon as I hear myself, I sigh in defeat and walk to sit down again.

“It's Jane Doe, okay?” Moshe continues with a calm tone, one that annoys me considering I feel like I’m going crazy. "They didn’t say it’s Ress.”

“Don’t you understand?” I groan at him, feeling tears invade my eyes but I ignore them. “France. They are getting closer. Even if hopefully she’s not dead, she…”

“I know.” Moshe sits next to me, hugging me to his body, surprising me but I let him do it. “But you don’t know yet, so it’s still not real, okay?”

But his words are not enough to make me feel better. Jeni helps Élise to put herself together and the three spoke to me on how it was a bad idea to call Tina. If Ress hasn’t seen the news yet, we will be letting her know and it would scare her. That night, before Moshe and I went to our rooms, Élise hugged me and told me she was sorry this was happening. I shake my head to her words and soon her tears call mine and we cry together for a few minutes.

I spend the whole night awake, wondering if Ress it’s dead or taking a plane somewhere. I wonder if she’s scared, feeling alone and helpless. I get mad at her for not having a phone, in these types of emergencies, it would be so much easier if I could just text her to check on her. Her sad eyes were all I could picture as the night became morning. That was the first time I didn’t hear Moshe go to the bathroom.

Chapter Text

Chapter 34 “Look up to.”

<3

I’ve been spending my days with Tina. She was completely heartbroken the day the band went on tour. She did not give me details about her conversation with Élise, but she did cry the whole afternoon about it.

She stayed over that night, falling asleep in her tears as I watched her selflessly loving I was not in her place. We were having sleepovers very often, usually after work when we usually decide if it’s either her place or mine. We chose mine commonly, as it was the closest to the bar and usually we were too exhausted.

One night, Tina offered her house. I’ve never been to her house before. I never planned on becoming this close to Tina, but the universe seemed to be keeping us together. And lately, I didn’t want to be alone, the feeling being too loud for me at the moment and seeing Tina made me feel better.

Tina’s place it’s an apartment, not a small room like mine, she has an extra room that was basically her closet. She had a lot of shoes. It was cozy, with lots of plants and pictures on the wall. She has mostly posters of old movie posters, but a few photos of her with people I could figure were her friends or family but I didn’t ask. It was nice to see that her place was not empty, mine only has my paintings, beside the furniture.

She offered to play music and asked me if I wanted a drink. I stole some shots from the bar on tonight’s shift, so I declined but I saw her pour one for herself. We spoke about the band that was playing for the first time at the bar, they were some kind of gothic group and Tina spoke with one of them about their outfits, she said she was still thinking about them. I was as well, they were a new public favorite and our tips were becoming as high as they could.

“It’s been so long since I've liked a band that plays at the bar.” Tina mumbles, a silly smile on her face that fades as she finishes her drink.

“It has, yeah.” It’s the only thing I said, not wanting to bring Lovers or Élise up.

It wasn't necessary, because Tina was already crying and apologizing for it. I let her cry.

Usually it was a random thing that reminded Tina of Élise and made her cry. We will be just chatting about random things and our plans. Then, Tina will start crying and I'll let her cry because she needs it. She can’t exactly do it at work and, as I came to find out, she doesn’t hang out with anyone besides me, and Élise before all of this happened. Still, we manage to spend our time together talking about trivial things. We don’t speak much of ourselves and I feel comfortable knowing she understands that boundary because it’s also hers.

I thought that maybe being around her as she’s sad will help me with this anger state, but it was not happening. Lately, I had this weird feeling in my stomach, something I felt in my throat too. It was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t leaving me. A weird pressure and warm feeling that was eating me up but I couldn’t figure out how.

As the weeks went by, the tour started long ago and Tina tells me at work one night that she’s been cheating and I don’t understand what she means. She explains that she’s been checking on the band’s instagram account but she doesn’t leave any likes or comments. I dumbly ask about how they are doing, but Tina just says it’s fine and I don’t ask for more. She does insist later, without me asking, that she hasn’t spoken with Élise and she won’t. I think she was telling it to herself.

My goal is to take Reid and Lovers out of my mind completely. I still find myself thinking about Reid at night, when it’s almost morning and I can’t sleep, all my thoughts get full of him and then I spend the next minutes scolding me for it. Sometimes, when I’m using my computer, I play the band’s videos to have a way to see his face. Then, I’m not getting internet access for a week to punish myself.

I hate the fact that Reid can still be in my head. I hate that some sex flashbacks come back at me and still make me feel flustered. I hate that I feel like I miss him, for a weird reason. And it doesn’t matter how much I hate myself, he comes back to my head and the means to take him away are getting lower.

As I see Tina be so hurt and different to what she used to be, I’m glad to find out that Reid didn’t break my heart. I haven’t cried since that night at the tour’s party, no sadness left in my body, I was walking around as numb as possible. After weeks of thinking, I realized I was just disappointed. And still very very angry.

I was sure my anger was at Reid, but I was still confused if I was disappointed with Reid or with myself, but because Reid it’s to be erased from my head, I blame myself only.

Replacement it’s all I can do for now. I break the painting I made about him and throw it away, hating myself for even starting it. I thought about doing the same for the one I did for the band, but I think that it’s pointless, it’s even being seen by people I don’t know at this point. I do turn it around, tho, so I don’t have to stare at their faces.

My tattoos are now fully healed and I regret the fact that everytime I look at them, I think of Reid. Unfortunately, they are harder to take off of me and I never got them with the intention to remind me of Reid. I was damned.

I’ve also gone back to my old habit of betting for getting a phone number of someone from the band that was playing at the bar. It was a good excuse for me to speak to new people and, also, get Reid’s face as he leans over the bar and asks me for a drink, finally erased. Lisa was the only interested in the bet, even if she was not participating. Tina didn’t say anything, just let me be.

I haven’t hooked up with anyone else, though, the idea of it leaves me paralyzed as I remind myself that I’m supposed to be erasing problems out of my life, not adding them. Hook ups were never an issue before, when all the people I used to hook up with were assholes that didn’t gave a fuck about me or women that were too direct on not wanting nothing with me after one night.

It was better like that. Simple. A simple agreement of one night, and even if I saw them around the bar later, a simple head nod will do and we will never speak again. They didn’t invite me to hang out later on, or introduced me to their friends or saw me cry, or helped me through an anxiety attack, or fucked up my trust, once again.

Tinas hasn't asked me about Reid or what we talked about in the party. I’m not sure why she never brought it up, but I was avoiding the conversation altogether so it made me grateful. I never mentioned Élise, neither.

On a random Thursday I ran out of painting supplies. All my canvas was used, or destroyed, and my paintings were almost done. So I decided to get new ones because I got my paycheck for the week and I wanted to spoil myself. Knowing that painting was the only piece of mind I had lately, I couldn’t afford not to do it.

Tina insisted on going with me, “It’s been hard being alone lately… which is odd”, she mentioned as we walked. I don’t make a comment because I weirdly feel the same.

As the afternoon goes and becomes evening, Tina makes a comment about thinking of quitting her second job. I didn’t know she had one and she tells me she works at a restaurant in the morning shift, usually the one in charge to open the restaurant so the cleaning was not like at the bar, but definitely as tiring because she had to be on her feet all the time as well.

“Waking up early it’s killing me.” She whined as she saw me pick some paintings.

I was thinking of getting oils, but they were more expensive than acrylics and I was not sure about acrylics at all.

“We can search for a new job together.” I mumble, still focused on the price tags.

“Are you quitting the boutique?” Tina sounds surprised.

I shrug, not wanting the subject to get Élise related, so I brush it away. “It depends.”

I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Now that the band it’s gone and I’ve been working without Élise, I realize I feel calm and I don’t know if that feeling will remain when she comes back. I can’t trust her now as much as I can’t trust Reid. She and him did it, they are both untruthful. And seeing her will remind me of Reid, which was not in my plans. Élise doesn’t work on my shift, she asked for that change, but I don’t trust her to ask to be changed again.

Me and Tina start the search for a new job soon after that. I enjoyed spending as much time with Tina as I could. She distracts me and it’s a good reminder of what having a friend is. Cassie was still a big whole in my heart and not knowing about her made it worse. But at least, I had Tina and she was pushing me to keep going and I was doing the same for her.

Despite looking more sad than I could ever be, as the time went by Tina was working hard to get her personality back. She started laughing again, making jokes with customers and even making jokes with Lisa, who had been complaining about Tina’s long face this whole time. We are even back to our smoke break tradition, something we were having on our own the past weeks but it’s back again.

I saw Tina on the ground and still stood up, walking around with her head high and even if she was faking it, she was good at it. I wished to be more like her. If I was in the position she is, I would probably still be laying on the floor. Maybe that means I’m weaker than her, but I’m not sure. Last time I was on the ground I was able to stand up promising myself I would never be there again. Constantly falling and standing sound terrifying for me, but seeing Tina going it like a warrior made me proud of her.

It’s been the longest time since I last looked up to someone. When I was a child, the first person was obviously my mother but that quickly changed. Then, when I turned 10 years old and the teachers complained to my parents that I was having problems with writing and reading, I got a private teacher and I think that was the first time I was actually so impressed with someone. For years I was sure it was my first crush, but I actually just wanted to be like her.

Her name was Joyce and she was the first person to give me books to read because they were cute stories, not to study, and advised me to write down in a notebook so I could practice drawing my letters. Little by little she encouraged my journaling so writing could be easier for me.

She stopped being my teacher a year later, when she graduated high school and I approved my middle school entrance exam. Then, my parents found my journals and I was forbidden from writing. Joyce was one of my first paintings too, but it got ruined.

Then it was Cassie, who I always felt envious of in the very best way. Her parents only reminded me of mine because of their looks, sharing the same high class style that was almost too bright and irritating to look at. Other than that, they were very kind and Cassie has always been surrounded by love.

Unlike me, Cassie has siblings. She’s the older sister but she always says she doesn’t fit the first born stereotypes because her siblings are as spoiled as she is. And because her parents loved her, Cassie was free. Meeting Cassie meant my first time getting makeup on, she taught me everything and even gifted me my first eyeshadows.

Cassie had a lot of freedom I didn’t, but because of her parents working with mine, we were able to sneak out a few times, faking sleepovers and going out of Cassie’s window. Those few nights meant my first party, my first time getting drunk, my first kiss that was shared with a stranger, my first time meeting people my parents didn’t know first and the first joint I ever tried.

I started being friends with Cassie because I wanted her life, I wanted to be her, I wanted what she had. But I was also happy she had it. Till this day, I’m still envious of her.

Now, I find myself looking up at Tina. She was very strong and charismatic. The energy I wish to portray if I didn’t have such a strong anxiety.

The tour of the band it’s almost over and I thought knowing that Élise will be back in the city will affect Tina. However, Tina looked completely back on her feet again. She was not crying anymore when we did sleepovers and got drunk. Tonight, Thursday, so the shift was chill, she even joked on being back on the bet for a phone number.

We were at my place after work, it’s been more than an hour since our shift ended and we got here. She was speaking to me about her future plans. I found out she quit the idea of college a long time ago because she wasn’t even sure what she wanted to study and definitely didn't have the money. Tina wanted to open a bar, just like Underground.

“I know it’s not everyone’s dream but …”

“No, T.” I pulled my empty glass of wine on the island of the kitchen, where we were seated. “It’s perfect for you, I know you can do it.” I cheer her up and she gives me a soft smile.

“Thank you, I've been thinking about it for a while now.” Tina finished her wine too and shrugged. “It’s too much money, tho, it’s only a dream now.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. I have a dream, too. I want to go to college.”

“Oh, you do? Your paintings?”

I nod and she snickers. “I don’t know why you need classes, your paintings are gorgeous.”

“Yeah, well, still a lot to learn, I guess.” Standing up to fill our wine again, I give her a funny look. “But my point is that I don’t have money either, I’m still going to try.”

“Can’t you get a scholarship? I’m sure your portafolio it’s great.”

I thought about it before, but I will need some documents, like my birth certificate and high school diploma, that I conveniently forgot back when I runned out. Without Cassie, I can’t do fake documents that can be certified and besides, she will need to know and that was not on my plans.

“Already tried, they said no.” I lied, bruising it away with a shrug and then Tina wanted a smoke so we got to my little balcony.

At the horizon, the deep blue of the sky was starting to be lighter and the streets were lonely, no people or cars around. It’s not cold anymore, as the spring was already here and the flowers were slowly starting to bloom. We didn’t have to hide our shivers while we smoked.

“Ress, can I ask you something?” Tina speaks after we smoke in silence for minutes.

I nod, wanting on her words. She sounded a little off with her words, but the low lighting didn’t allow me to see her face and check it.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” She clears her throat, “I mean, for telling Élise about me.”

“What? T, I told you…”

“No, please.” She looks at me and in the faded night light, I see her sad smile. “I can take it. I promise. I just need you to be honest.”

I didn't answer immediately. The subject took me by surprise, guessing she didn’t even want to talk about it.

“I just been thinking lately… “ Tina continues as she slowly smokes, “and I wish I was more like you, you know?”

I’m surprised by her words, as I found myself looking up at Tina in admiration and wondering if I could ever be that strong. To hear her say that about me, left me completely shocked, as I don’t consider myself someone to look up to. All I've done in my life is feel fear and anxiety.

“Why?” I mumble, as I even forget to finish my smoke.

She looks suddenly sad, the type of sad face I haven’t seen on her in a while. “Because, we meet the band at the same time… and at the beginning I was relieved, you know? to see that you were with me getting to know them, so if I would fail at least I didn’t do it alone… But then, I did fail alone.”

I shake my head, “I don’t understand, T. If so, I failed too.”

“No,” Tina says in a small desperate scream. When she hears herself, she giggles and I worry about her quick reactions. “No, Ress, you didn’t fail. You did exactly what I must have done, wait and see if I could trust her first…”

“I didn’t do that because I’m smart.”

“Then what? Because I most certainly feel dumb, after being so scared and trying to protect myself… all it took was feelings for me to break again.”

“T…” My voice sounds sad as I mumble. And I am sad for her. I turn my cigarette off and pull her to a hug.

“After years of this, I can’t believe I don’t know how to take care of myself.” She sobs on my shoulder.

I let the silence be as I think of what’s best to say. I’ve seen Tina broken, so sad and distressed that not giving her the same vulnerability back feels untruthful to the friendship I’m trying to give her, to the friendship she deserves. It’s not until the ashes of her forgotten cigarette fail to my shoe, that I decide to speak.

“I didn’t trust Reid for being smart, Tina. I didn’t trust him because I’m scared. I was scared even in the moments I shared with him, I couldn’t even allow myself to fully enjoy them before everything stopped. You don’t need to feel stupid for trusting Élise, or anyone, because it was you strictly of love, not of fear.” I don’t pull away from her hug, because I don’t want her to see me cry. I was crying because I was too upset that we were here feeling down while the band had one of their best moments.

“Then, I should be more scared.” Tina pulls away from the hug, throwing the done cigarette away.

“No, T, fear is not the solution. It would consume you, I haven’t had a day of peace since the first time I felt scared.”

“But if not fear, then what can stop me from doing this to myself again?”

She left me speechless. I shake my head, not knowing what to say and Tina just cries harder. I pull her inside, getting her a glass of water as I wait for her to feel better. I take the opportunity and shake my own tears away.

I pour more wine for us, knowing that we now may need it more than at the beginning of the night. Tina stays in bed when a phone starts to ring. I feel paralyzed for a second, hoping I didn't forget and turn my off but it was hers.

“It 's Lisa?” Tina stared at her phone with a frown.

“Why would she call now?” it must be almost 5 am at this point.

Tina shrugs and goes out to the balcony again, taking the call. I was starting to feel hungry so I decided to make us something to eat, but I don’t have many options. As I drink the wine and stare at my fridge, Tina is rushing from the balcony.

“Oh my god, Ress…” Tina stumbles to me.

“What is it?” I close the fridge and let the glass of wine down, as I see her face more pale than before.

Tina doesn’t answer, she types on her phone as she starts to cry again.

“T, you are scaring me…” I say, as I walk closer to her.

Tina gave me a sad look before handing me her phone. I stare at it, thinking for some reason it may be related to the band, but it’s my old picture the one I see in a news article. For a moment, I just stared at the screen and wished it was just old news. The same as always, but I looked up at Tina and she looked worried, she looked as if she was ready for me to be the one having a breakdown next.

I read but at the same time I didn’t. All my brain processes were the words Jane Doe, DNA, death, France and my name. All in one quick rush of information that gives me a headache, before I realize my hand is shaking. Then, I take a deep breath and realize I’m not sure of what’s going on and why I feel a small breath of relief behind all the fear.

I’m not dead, obviously, and still deep down I had the small faith that the DNA will be correct, they will think I’m dead and I will be free once and for all. But that won't happen, considering I’m here, reading it happening and feeling the burden of what’s coming next.

They could start a search in France, now that they're suspicious of me being around. The news is not close, but being in the same country makes me fearful enough. Worse, Lisa called Tina, which means she saw the news and recognized me. Mery could have done it too, my manager at the boutique…

I give the phone back to Tina and slowly walk to my bed. I need to sit down. I was waiting for the rhythm of my breathing to hit me at once, but it was progressive, as I tried to breathe slower, my lungs betrayed me. I saw Tina kneel in front of me, her hands in my knees as she looks for my eyes.

“Shh, Ress…” I heard her and I breaked down. First, a gasp and a tear falling down my cheek, followed by uncontrollable sobs and tears. “Oh, Ress.” Tina hugged me, her arms around my neck and she let me cry on her shoulder.

I cry harder than I’ve cried in a while. The knob I was feeling in my stomach this whole time was trying to get out of my tears. I can’t even pronounce words, or breathe properly and I don’t try anymore either. I cry as hard as I can, letting Tina hold me as I try to take all the sadness of my body through my eyes.

Chapter Text

Chapter 35 “Jane Doe.”

<3

The first time I ever felt scared in my life, I was so little I didn’t know it was fear. It wasn’t like a dark hallway, a door closing during the night or the sounds of steps when the house was empty. It was dinner. Every day I had breakfast alone and lunch with Cassie at school, or her house, but dinner was a mandatory family event that I unfortunately had to be in.

I realized I was scared because it took me minutes to take a first bite, let alone finish a plate and sometimes, not even my appetite wanted to be in the room. Since then, it hasn’t stopped. Fear was my daily common, it's what I feel everyday when I wake up in the morning and every night before I fall asleep.

After crying, I felt into a state of numbness. Tina insisted for me to drink water at least, but I just shook my head and lay in bed, feeling frozen. I’m scared and more than that, I don’t know what to do now.

When I left Móntreal, it was because of similar news of suspicions that I was around Québec. They saw me in the airport arriving and since, every person with the name Marie was being interviewed, which is a very common name but not Marie Ress, so I felt like they could get to me out of correlation only. I was on a plane two weeks later.

Things were different back then, I still had money that I stole from my parents and I was able to even remain without a job for three weeks when I got to France and finally found a small waitress job, a month later I was working in Underground. Now, that money has run out.

I’ve been aware of how much not having money could affect me in the future, especially because I was never without it before. I handled it well, but it seems my biggest mistake was not making an emergency fund in case this happened. In case I had to run away again.

I don’t say anything as Tina lays next to me and falls asleep. I couldn’t, tho. I stayed awake as the sun rose up and I was still awake when Tina finally rolled around awake because her alarm was on and she needed to get to work. She notices my tired eyes and gives me a small smile.

“Try to rest today, okay?” She said as she stood up, taking her small toothbrush from her bag and walking to my bathroom. “Don’t go to work.”

I frowned at her words when they hit me. She notices my face and signs me to wait until she finishes and then it’s back, sitting beside me and putting her arm around my shoulders.

“I know it’s stupid to say it, but try not to overthink what I’m about to say” She starts softly, I can see she was afraid of my reaction but I simply nod. “Maybe it’s better if you stay here this weekend.”

“The weekend?” I was about to hyperventilate. That meant no one could see me and I was sure that my next step would have to be to pack a bag again.

“Just this once, while things get more calm.” Tina pulls me to her, hugging me, “I can see how terrified you are, and it’s too recent now.”

“How can I miss work the whole weekend? I… wouldn’t that be more suspicious?” If they saw the news and recognized me, only to see I don’t show up at work, it would be obvious.

“No if you have a good excuse, and me.” She gave a cheering smile before standing up. “I’m gonna steal some coffee, want a cup?”

I nodded, knowing that it was maybe going to be the only thing in my stomach, at least for the next few hours because I was still too stunted to eat.

“I don’t have a good excuse,” I continued as she made the coffee. “And… I would lose the paydays and tips.” I layed on my back in the bed again, staring at the ceiling and worrying about my lack of money and how much I need it right now.

“No, you won’t.” Tina smiled at me as she laid her hip on the kitchen island. “I have… a contact, well,” Tina chuckles, “it’s kind of a friend. He’s a certified doctor and sometimes he… makes me favors.”

“A doctor?” I turn around to look at her. I don’t need a doctor, even if I do feel like I’m about to go sick.

“Yes, doctor. You have a medical ID, right?”

“Um, yeah, but…” I mumble confused.

“If you have a medical excuse because you are sick or injured, you miss work the days the doctor says and they still have to pay you for the missed days at work. It’s literally the law.”

Oh, right, the law. I forget about it sometimes, maybe because it has never worked for me.

“Oh,” I mumble, “is this friend… I mean, do you trust him?” I wondered, unsure if I could have a stranger into it. It’s a lie, at the end of the day.

“No,” Tina busted out a laugh as she served the two cups of coffee. “He charges for it, does it all the time, I’ve… I’ve used some of them to miss work sometimes before. Not always, it gets suspicious.” she shrugs.

“I mean, wouldn't that be on my record? Wouldn’t I have to go to the hospital and leave proof that I was there?” I rumbled, still overthinking the suggestion.

Tina didn’t answer, and when I saw her walk closer holding the two cups, I sat up to get mine. She sits next to me and gives me a soft grin. “Don’t worry, okay? I wouldn’t be suggesting it if I knew it would be a problem.” I nodded and started to sip on the coffee. “It’s nothing big, that you have the flu or something and need to stay in bed, maybe add some fever on the lie, but that’s it. You miss work and there’s no suspicion because a certified doctor says so. Also, no need for the hospital, the medical history will say that he examined you in his private consultory and that’s it.”

Okay, that sounded easy. And even if I tried my best to keep looking for an excuse to doubt her plan, I actually trusted Tina. She’s been in my place and we worked together long enough to now be friends. I was hoping that was enough for her not to throw me under the bus.

“Okay… yeah, that sounds easy.”

“It is, don’t worry. Just stay here, don’t go out, you have food?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“So, stay here on the weekend. Paint something and take some rest. I will have the medical excuse and take it to the boutique and give it to Mery. I’ll say I was with you, that you have been really sick since last night.”

I nodded. Mery did see us leave together last night so it might work. I hoped my manager at the boutique was not in a bad mood, as Élise has been missing work and she said the lack of personnel has been obvious in the sales numbers.

“What about Lisa?” A fear thought came to me.

“I’ll talk to Lisa.” Tina brushed it away, sipping on her coffee. “She’s… noisy, yeah, but she won’t tell. I’ll make sure.”

“You will?” I ask in a weak tone, realizing I feel this weird and calm feeling at having her helping me now.

“Of course, Ress.” Tina squeezes my hand and smiles.

I felt like I was about to cry but managed to hold it. Tina reminded me of Cassie so much, not because they looked alike, because of the motherly eyes they both had. Cassie used to look at me with love, worry and even disapproval sometimes, but behind that was the worry of pure friendship. As I stared at Tina, I realized now I have a true friend again, after years of not seeing Cassie or having a friend, it made me emotional.

“Oh, stop.” Tina snickers as she pushes my tears away, that I was hoping they hadn't shown. “Now, finish your coffee, I'll get cold.”

By the time Tina was picking her bag to leave for work, I got out of the bed for the first time since last night, even after not sleeping for one second. Before she can open the door to leave, I hug her.

“Thank you so much, T.” I felt as if she wasn’t here, I would’ve gone crazy by now and she needed to know I appreciated that a lot.

Tina hugged me back before she left and I stayed in the middle of my small apartment, looking around and things still felt a little surreal and bizarre. I wonder if this is one of the last looks I would be able to give to it.

I spent the whole weekend feeling so anxious, I ended up pucking all my dinner on Friday night and by Saturday morning, I could even manage to eat breakfast. I went around between my bed, the bathroom and the kitchen, just to force myself to eat or to stare at the food I had no appetite for.

Despite Tina’s suggestion, I actually felt like I was not able to rest, even if I was not doing anything. I would be lost in thinking of my options of escape, redoing in my head all the planning I did when I first came here. I couldn’t sleep, wondering if my door would get a knock at any point, jumping up if I happened to hear any sirens in the distance and wondering if it’s a good idea to google myself right now.

I was very curious about what was happening in the case, any result could affect me in some way. I was also wondering how much money I needed for a plane ticket right now. But the idea of being traced by my searches terrified me, even if it made no sense considering it’s a big case now, so a lot of people must be searching it.

Tina comes around on Saturday, after the shift in Underground. She frowned at seeing me as awake as I was, and I lied telling her it’s because I slept the whole day. She tells me that the boutique manager did get upset, but still that they’ll see me on Tuesday. Mery sent me soup with Tina and the gesture made me smile.

I ended up giving up on Sunday morning, when I finally went to my computer and took it out of the hidden space in my closet. I searched the news and saw no new developments yet, which in a way was kinda disappointing. Then, I stare at the picture of me that the news article was using. It was the same that was used in every news story about me.

It was one of the school’s pictures for the yearbook. I was seventeen in that photo, not even recognizing myself as I stared at the old me. She was having such a bad time at seventeen…

Then, I spend hours staring at the mirror and at the picture, pointing out everything about me that seems to look different so I can be not really recognizable. My cheeks and nose used to be bigger, my mouth was smaller, my hair were long black curls and I looked more tan. Now, the cold weather that I was not used to made me look like a gosh, but my red hair did lighten up, I looked more tired too, the bright smile on the picture was not the face looking at me now.

I actually looked terrified and I was.

I spent the rest of the afternoon searching for the cheapest flight, but for what I could pay, the farest I could go was probably Bruxelles and that was pointless. I ended up crying as I showered, then crying again as I tried to make some dinner and finally, cried again when I tried to paint but just sat frozen, staring at the empty canva. I realized that I was trapped again. I was waiting for the green light, but seemed to be stopped in the middle of a one way road, and I was on the wrong track.

I was able to sleep on Sunday night, the three days of lack of sleep hitting me at once and winning against my anxiety, because I dozed off for more than 12 hours. Tina didn’t come around on Sunday, I imagine it was because with me not at work, the bar must be going crazy and I understood that. Still, I felt lonely and wished she was here to at least make me think of something else.

It’s Monday, my free day. The day of the week I enjoy the most, yet today feels like a sentence somehow. I felt like I lived the past days waiting for a hunt to be over.

I slept till past noon and was actually surprised by it, as I stumbled out of bed.I managed to eat breakfast and by the time I was done showering, I tried once again to do some painting and make some use of my time. The new paintings were still unopened and I played with combining some colors around, to get my mind to work at least.

I was about to start a brush when I heard a nod. I thought it was Tina, as she wasn’t around yesterday and today it’s her free day too. But as I reached the door to open it, I heard mumbles on the other side of the door, in a voice way too deep to be Tina’s and I froze at the sound of it.

The instant punch in my stomach arrived and then, I felt paralyzed. I manage to find the strength and softly walk to the door, so I can look through the visor, and my heart skips a beat when I see Reid behind it.

He’s talking on the phone, he looks sweaty and almost angry. Then, he tosses his phone in his pocket and knocks at the door again, a nervous look in his eyes.

I don’t answer, I don’t open the door, I just stare at him and flitch when the knocks go again, this time harder. When I get closer to the visor again, he is sighing and closing his eyes strongly, to then knock at the door harder.

“Ress, are you home?” I heard him almost scream the question. More knocks. “Ress!”

When he stops again, I look at the visor once more and don’t see him. Thinking he left, I stayed still for a few seconds to be sure and then I heard him again. “Ress, please… Please, tell me you are!” He knocked harder and I worried about the noise bothering my neighbors.

I pressed my back to the door, wondering if I should. I hate the feeling of joy I felt when I saw him, I hate to love that he’s here and I hate myself because I’m supposed to never see him again. I’m supposed to be so upset, him being here would make me mad. Instead, my hands itch to reach the door. But, for what?

What would I tell him? What would he tell me? I even slapped him on the face last time I saw him two months ago. It was for the best that he just left now. But he doesn't; he still knocks at the door.

“Please, be here… please, be here, please, please…” I heard his far mumbles followed by more insistent knocks.

This was bad. At this moment, I was the most vulnerable. I could open the door to let him take advantage of that or simply ignore how much I crave the fact that Reid can provide such a level of comfort and distraction to me and being in this state makes me need it more.

But it was a stupid idea, he’s not to be trusted. I’m not supposed to be wishing he actually doesn’t get tired and leave. But then again, I pray for him to leave so I don’t have to do this mental shit to myself when it comes to him.

Suddenly, the knocks stop and when I don’t hear them seconds later, I feel my heart drop. Relief and sadness surrounded me as I thought he was now gone. Still, I watched the visor again to confirm he’s gone and I found him sitting across the hallway, leaning his back to the wall, knees up as he held his phone and took a call again.

He looked tired and for a few minutes I wondered why he was not leaving. Then, I noticed his shoulders started to shake and Reid quickly put his hand up to brush away tears, the tip of his nose got as red as when he’s drunk. I surprise myself when I gasp.

I hate a lot of things about the situation I am in now, but this one it’s one of the worst. Because I’m betraying myself as soon as I move my hand to the handle of the door. I can’t help but want to see him now, even after swearing over and over that I was never going to again. I still don’t know what I’ll say as I open the door wide and stand in the entrance, looking at him.

Reid’s eyes immediately went up as the door opened and he quickly put his phone away as he was stumbling to stand up.

“Ress.” I hear him mumble and I’m about to say hi like a dumbass when he walks to me and pressed me into a hug. The force of his body makes me stumble a little back and he takes the opportunity to push us both inside, quicking the door close with his foot. “Ress.”

I’m still frozen, I felt like today suddenly became a simulation as I try to understand what’s going on. He softly chuckles a little more on my shoulder, both hands pressed on my back and lower back, pushing my whole chest to his. My hands are still on my side, as I try to make my mind up with his actions.

We haven’t seen each other in two months, I told him I never wanted to see him again, yet he’s here at my door crying and chuckling and hugging me. I hate the warmness I felt in my chest and stomach the second I felt his touch.

And then, he starts to softly kiss my shoulder and neck, making me go into a state of shock as he starts to speak, “Ress, you are here. You are here… you are here… you are here.” a kiss between each sentence and I felt my knees go weak.

I haven’t said anything yet when he lets me go off the hug, his hands moving to my face quickly. He looks at my face up and down and then starts to nod, “You are fine, you are fine, right?”

He looks deeply into my eyes, waiting for my answer. I nodded with him, as I felt he just stole my availability to form and pronounce a sentence.

“Please, talk to me, are you okay?” His thumb starts to move in my cheek.

I clear my throat before answering, “Um, I’m okay, what are you…?”

“I thought you weren’t here.” Reid shakes his head, closing his eyes quickly and then pressing a hand to my back again, to hug me to his body again. “I thought you weren’t here, Ress, I was so fucking scared. But you are here…”

As he continues to hug me and kiss my shoulder, I frown at his words, no understanding first why wouldn’t I be here. But then, I reminded myself of a very good reason for why I wouldn’t be here and why he would be scared of it. Reid mentioned he checked the news to make sure no new updates were up, now I’m totally sure he saw the news and he’s here because of them. What leaves me completely speechless is him reacting like this.

I haven’t even touched him yet, and I’m about to only do it to push him away but then he’s the one pulling away and his hands are finding my cheeks again, eyes not leaving mine in a way that was completely hypnotizing. I’ve failed for them before.

“You saw the news?” I ask before he can speak first.

He nods. “Not intentionally this time, I swear.” His thumbs stroke my cheek again and I see something in his eyes that I haven’t seen in him not even once until now. It 's fear.

“Okay.” I believed it this time, considering Lisa did as well and who knows who else. And because looking at him for too long, after all this time, still feels like a punch in my stomach.

“I thought…” Reid shakes his head again, his eyes full of tears once more. He shuts his eyes, hugging me again. This time, his face is buried on my neck, kissing softly as I can hear his low mumble. “I thought you weren’t here.”

His lips on my skin are almost closing my throat at the feeling of it. I’m confused on how my body and mind can have such different opinions and reactions to Reid. “I’m obviously not dead.” I joke, not knowing what better to say as I feel I’ve fallen in a prolonged shook state.

I felt Reid’s hand reach my hips, squeezing softly, and then his fingers move slowly on the edge of my shirt, his cold tips making goosebumps on my skin as he finally pushes my shirt up and strokes the skin of my back, making me tremble. “That’s not the only way of you not being here that makes me scared.” He mumbles, before kissing soft picks on my neck again.

I feel like crying because after days of feeling scared and nervous, here he comes and gives me such a peaceful moment, such a distranting and comforting touch that I hate myself for loving it, for wanting it, for not pulling from it. Even if it’s only for now. Just for a minute. Just today, and then I’ll be back to never seeing him again.

Finally, I pushed my arms around Reid’s neck, hugging him back. I heard his relief sigh and felt the deep kiss he gave to my neck. I close my eyes, relaxing on his arms for the first time and letting myself be consumed by the comfort that Reid gives me everytime.

Chapter Text

Chapter 36 “Truce”

<3

Once I hugged Reid I was afraid that if I pulled away, I didn’t want to see him again. That as soon as I see in his eyes again, I will remember the reasons why this is the first time we see each other in months and why it needs to remain that way.

If I don’t pull away from the hug, this feeling can last a little longer. I just need to keep still in as I hug his neck and his head is still buried in my neck. My breathing is weird and I hope he doesn’t notice, as if my lungs refused to receive air for a second and then it was back to normal.

Reid hasn’t said anything now. He’s quiet since I hugged him back, even his lips stopped at my neck. I kinda minded, considering the soft touch was nice, but the lack of it also made my head not go more crazy than it may already be.

Reid’s phone starts to ring in his pocket and I hear him soft curse, before he’s pulling away and I’m immediately not looking at him. I can’t now. I don’t even think I will be able to face myself in the mirror later.

“Sorry, it’ll be just a minute.” He mumbled and went out on my little balcony.

I stumble to my bed, feeling like I need to sit down because how is it that he’s here? How is it that I liked his touch after everything that happened? I was stupid. I was weak and allowed him to touch me and be inside my house with simple sad eyes. I felt for the worry of his voice and the look in his eyes, but now I didn’t want to see it anymore. I was not able to betray myself anymore, especially now that things are so dangerous and so many things are happening. Even if Reid can distract me from it all, I needed to remember the way he completely went behind my back, chasing after my past, chasing secrets I didn’t want to share.

One minute later as he promised, I see Reid walk inside and immediately look at my lap. I plan to keep my eyes down. Playing with my hands, I hope he has something to say or leaves out the door because I sure was out of words at this point. Even since the moment I opened the door.

“It was Moshe, he’s mad at me.” He mumbled, sitting in the bed next to me but keeping his distance when he noticed I’m not looking at him anymore.

“I always thought Moshe was not able to be mad at you.”

“He’s been mad at me many times, I’ve been mad at him many times too.” Reid shrugs with a small uncomfortable smile. I can tell he noticed my mood completely changed and now his mood does too.

“I just thought maybe you were very very close.” I shrug, brushing it away because it was a random comment.

“We are.” I feel the weight of the bed change beside me and I realize by my side eye that Reid has moved closer to me, but still kept distance. “Friends are allowed to be mad at each other. I did something dumb and he’s mad because he knows I’m not dumb, that’s all.”

I frown. Maybe I never really thought of it that way. Cassie has been my only friend, before Tina and meeting the band, and I was sure that I hadn’t be mad at her if it weren’t for this fucked up situation I can’t seem to espace of. Before that, we were never mad at each other, not even once.

“What dumb thing you did this time?” I mumble, trying not to sound bitter in my voice but I guess I failed.

“I’m sorry, Ress.” Reid speaks softly. “I shouldn’t show up like this today, I… I’ve just been worried and I know it’s not an excuse. I… didn’t want to use this moment to pretend like I didn’t do anything wrong because that’s not it, I promise.”

“Then, what is it?” Being mad at him makes the shyness in me go away. He may still affect me till the point my knees shake, but he can’t make me stutter anymore.

Reid shakes his head, a weird face on him, “I thought you were dead, Ress. And then, I thought that even if you weren’t dead, you may be gone either way. I… didn’t like any of those choices.”

I nod, looking at him again to make sure he looks as honest as he sounds, and he does. He’s frowning, his eyes still have a switch that makes them look off, he has under eyes circles and I just noticed. I dare myself to not let his eyes be a weapon against me, so I keep my look on him just as he does on me.

“You haven’t been sleeping?” I ask, to brush the subject because I’m not really sure I can talk about it now.

“You neither.” He gives me a sad grin.

I shake my head, not understanding, “How are you here? What happened to the tour?”

“Last show was last night. I got on a bus after it.”

“A bus?” I frown. The band was driving around for this tour, even Tina mentioned they were equipped with a large van.

Reid looked down at his lap, a shameful look as he’s the once avoiding my eyes now. “Yeah, I, um, one of the reasons that Moshe it’s mad at me. I kind of… ditched them.”

“Why would you do that?”

Reid shakes his head before looking up again, this time pure vulnerability was shining on his eyes and I felt as if I was about to fall into another trance with him, even if my face was still frowning at confusion, my heart was skipping beats because he was staring at me in that way again.

“I told you, Ress, I thought you weren’t here. I had to make sure you were.”

“So you… ditched your friends because of me?”

“No, no, it wasn’t because of you. It was because of me, I… I felt like I was going crazy.”

“Why?” I mumble in disbelief. A pure blank expression on my face made me think that maybe I should stop the questions right now, but I can't help feeling excited for his answer.

Reid scoffed softly, a small grin on his still serious face. “Why?” He shakes his head, maybe a little amused. “You know why.”

“I don’t.”

Reid pushes his face in his hands, a groan coming out the back of his throat and when looks at me again, he even looks a little frustrated now, but at least it made his eyes shine a little, which was nice.

“You do know why, Ress.”

I shake my head, looking back at my lap. “No, I don’t.”

Reid groans again, this time he closes his eyes and then opens them back to look at me in the most intense way I’ve been looked at. Last time I saw him, his eyes were as off as earlier, but now they are burning, like they’ve seen light for the first time and couldn’t look back.

“You know, Ress. I’ve told you before.”

“What?” My voice is small now.

Then, Reid chuckles, shaking his head again and pressing his eyes shut, as if he was suppressing a thought. “It doesn’t matter. I… I’m not here to talk about me, about what I feel, it’s not important. How are you? I… how are you?”

His body is leading forward to stare at me more directly, but he’s still keeping distance, his hands staying still on his lap.

“I’m okay.” I mumble.

“Yeah?” His voice makes me weak and I stay as still as possible to not be suspicious.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

For the first time, I grin. “No.”

“Fuck, Ress.” Reid squeezes his eyes shut again, taking a deep breath and giving me the most vulnerable look he has, the same one that looked at me back when I opened the door. “Can I… touch you?”

My reaction surprised us both, because I giggled. “You already have.”

“No, that was… like a reflex and completely selfish of me. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” I stare at my lap, because his eyes are too heavy on mine now and I can’t stand that he looks at me as I shrug, “it was nice.”

After a few seconds of silence, he asks again, “So can I?”

I nod and I feel his arm on my shoulder before he’s pushing me to his chest, hugging me once again. This hug is longer and more quiet. He uses both of his hands, deeply pressed in my back, to push me closer. I let myself be melted in him and the warmth of his body for a few more minutes. He smells sweet as I push my head on his neck and his hair is soft on my hands.

I silently schooled myself, arguing that I should be kicking him out right now. But then, I negotiate that I will in just a minute, and then a minute passes and I’m negotiating with myself again because I don’t want to pull away from him. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I feel one of his hands abandon my back and quickly feel it in my head, stroking it as he starts to mumble on my ear. “I’m sorry, Ress. I’m sorry I… did what I did, but this was exactly why I was doing it. I… was afraid that you would vanish and I wouldn't notice.”

I don’t say anything, mostly because I’m curious about his words, but I was also not expecting his apology right now. I thought all it had to be said about was said that night at the tour’s party.

“I’m sorry about what I said too, I… never meant it when I said that you were taking the easiest choice. It was stupid, everything I did was fucking stupid, Ress. Can you please forgive me?”

I realized that his voice had made goosebumps jump out the skin of my neck, where he’s pushing closer so I can hear his mumbles. I’m quiet again, closing my eyes and concentrating on the fact that he smells and feels nice, more than in the fact that I should be demanding his apologies as well now.

“I swear I meant no wrong, love.” His hand strokes my hair and goes down to my neck, where his fingertips let small touches too. “I swear I would never do anything to expose you, Ress. I fucking swear, please believe me.” His voice is getting desperate as he seems eager to hear my answers.

But I don’t give him any, I just snuggle closer to him until I’m almost over his lap. Reid’s body gets tense as he feels me move closer and then, he pushes his arms harder around my waist, pushing me to straddle his lap. I let him, negotiating with myself again that it will be just another minute.

“You don’t have to forgive me, Ress, but… please say you believe me.”

But he doesn’t know I’m speechless. That I’m refusing to push away because I’m afraid that fear would chaise me more and find me again. I was not able to even process his apology, nor my actions. I was feeling. I could feel his heartbeat against my check, the pulse on his neck was also going a little crazy as I breathed closer to it. His body is still tense, but his hands are still soft and gentle on me.

I think he may continue, but instead he’s quiet now. I do start to feel his hands go under my shirt and start to stroke the skin of my back with my soft touches. I melted, feeling defeated, feeling that I was in a bad position and yet liked it.

I realized then that I was pulling myself in a deeper hole because even after two months of not seeing Reid, I still melt at his eyes and hands. I still fight with that inner voice that tells me I should be away from him, I fight with her every time I’m near him. But maybe all of this could’ve been avoided if I listed. And now I had to listen.

I pull from the hug, stepping up from his lap and taking more than once step back so there can be distance between us. This may have started as a game, a form of distraction from everything that I gladly took. Even a trick for myself, if I want to put it any other way. But it was not supposed to be hard, it was not supposed to make me feel deeply and overthink every action, it was not supposed to let me hang for two months wondering if I could ever not think about Reid again. And here I am not only thinking of him, but craving his touch and enjoying his present. It is too complicated now.

“I believe you, Reid.” My voice is not as strong as I planned but I’m not backing up with my stare. I want to tell him this with my eyes looking at him, I want him to see in my eyes how serious it is for me now.

He nods, a serious look now that I’ve pulled distance again.

“I can’t forgive you and I won’t.”

“I understand that.”

“I…” I look down next, not standing his eyes on mine as I pronounce the next words, “I appreciate that you are worried about me, but it’s not necessary… and, well, I still think it’s better if we don’t see each other anymore.”

“Love, I swear I would never do something like that again…”

“It’s not just that.” I close my eyes, taking a deep breath as I push my words away. “I get it, I understand, I believe you, but… still, it’s for the best.”

“Why?”

I shake my head, turning my back at him because I feel a knob in my throat that may come out with vomit. “Because.”

Reid doesn’t say anything for a while and then I hear his steps and I fear that he may come closer or I may start walking to the door.

“Because you like seeing me?” I shake my head, but don’t say anything. I heard Reid’s sigh, but he continued, “You like me, Ress, just as I like you.”

“No, I don’t.” I lie, the words jumping out of my mouth quickly because I’m desperate.

Reid softly chuckles, walking closer behind me, he’s breathing quickly hits my neck and I feel a shiver over my whole body. “You do, love.”

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t like the idea of you not being here in any way, Ress, you know why?” He’s not touching me but his mouth is close to my ear, his lips softly stroking my ear lobe as he mumbles. “Because I like you… a lot.”

“Shut up, Reid.” I try to sound firm, but the sentence comes out of me more like a whimper.

“I’ve told you before,” he continued, his lips softly trapping my earlobe and I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling paralyzed. “You said you liked me back.”

“I did back then.” I try to brush it away, hating he’s using my words against me.

“So is that it? You don’t like me anymore?” I hear the worry of his voice, yet he presses even closer, though his hands are still away.

“No… I mean, that’s not…” I push away, frustrated, “You don’t let me think.”

As I turned around to face him again, Reid’s eyes went from somber and off to bright and eager, even a little vulnerable. He had his arms behind his back, as if he was pushing his hands to stay still. I didn't realize that my breathing had shifted until now, that Reid stares at my chest, moves quickly and then back at my eyes, giving me a smirk. I push my eyes closed in frustration, feeling like I can’t get out of here without being as direct as possible because Reid would take any change to distract me.

“Reid, I can’t do this anymore.”

“Is it because of what I did or because you don’t like me anymore after what I did?” Reid makes a face, as he starts to walk back and push more distance between us, getting to understand I was not backing up.

“Neither, I mean, yeah.”

“What?”

“I mean…” I groan, turning my back at him so he can’t see how hard this is for me. I’m supposed to be more chill about this, yeah I feel my mouth dry and unable to form the words I want him to hear. “I’m gonna be honest, okay?”

“Please,”

I take a deep breath before turning around to face him once more. I hope he can notice how vulnerable and weak I’m feeling, however I feel that I owe this to myself. This is the only honesty I’m ever going to be able to give him and maybe after doing it, he can finally be only a memory.

“You are right, I do like you. And yes, I also trust you a lot less now because of what you did, but I still like you, do you understand how bad that is?” Reid stays quiet and I continue, “I can’t do this, Reid. I can’t just… spend time with you and allow myself to like you more.”

“I’ll prove to you that you can trust me again, Ress. I swear, just tell me what to do and I will…”

“Not only that. I… it’s easier now that I don’t trust you. At least I can’t force myself to be away from you. But if I trust you again, Reid, it’s gonna be hard…”

“Then don’t love.” Reid shakes his head, his hands reaching and then pulling away as he tries to give me space. “You don’t have to be away from me, what would that solve?”

“My head,” I roll my eyes, mostly to try to push some annoying tears away.

Reis gives me a sad smile. “Love, you haven’t seen me in two months and your head is still a mess.”

I sigh, feeling the harsh of his words. He’s not the solution or the cause of my problems, but still, “Anyways, where would this go, uh?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m running away, Reid. I did not just do it once, I have to do it every time I have to. You have no idea what will happen to me if they find me.” I squeeze my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Are you leaving?” He tried to hide a gasp but it was obvious to me. At this point, we both look bad and with sore eyes.

“I mean, I don’t have enough money yet, but as soon as I get the…”

“No,” Reid shook his head, desperation in his eyes. “Ress, you can’t leave. Not now.”

I frown, “that’s not your decision to make.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, fuck, I mean… they are here. Not like, here, here, but if they have suspicion of you in France, every airport in the country may be tracking your name. You only kept your second name, but how many Ress’s are around? And then what?”

He leaves me speechless once more. I find that ability of him deeply annoying.

“I didn’t think of it…”

“I think about it a lot. You see, if you stay while things get calm, eventually you won’t have to leave at all. They will do the research, don’t find anything and move to any other next clue. They won’t look here twice.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I’m not, I’m just saying it may.”

I nod, realizing that all the anxiety is making me lately unable to not take a solid logical decision. Even Tina had to jump out to help me out as well. I was making a mess, being distracted by fear. Somehow, it was nice to hear another opinion. Yet, Reid still makes me want to run from him and to him at the same time.

“I’m also not asking you to make me promises, Ress.” Reid takes two steps forward and then gives me a smile. “I’m not expecting for you to stay here forever just because I want you to. I will, however, love to spend time with you while you want to be here.”

I exhale a nervous breathing. “This is a bad idea,”

“Why, love?” Reid finally breaks the distance between us, his hands touching mine as he strokes my wrists. “I don’t know why you runned away, Ress, but wasn’t it supposed to be for you to be free?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Then, what are you afraid of?”

“You.”

Reid looks up from our hands to my eyes, a frown on his face. “Me? Why?”

“You… make me breathe weird and… I can’t think, you don’t let my brain work. And I have this fucking nausea.” I don’t hide the frustration in my voice.

Reid’s reaction manages to let me freeze, because he grins and takes my chin, pulling my face up to look at him better. “Me too, love.”

“Shut up.” I squeeze my eyes shut again.

His hands find my cheeks, both of his thumbs stroking my dry tears away and I hear the amused me in his voice as he speaks, “Open your eyes, love.”

I don’t want to. I’m about to let him win. I’m about to get out of excuses, to get out of words and completely follow what he’s saying. But it scares me, I can’t allow myself to give him the power to destroy me in that way. Then, his lips slowly caress mine and he mumbles against them. “Look at me, Ress.”

I open my eyes, realizing my weakness. Realizing that I may be making a big mistake, but for the first time in my life this mistake I make it’s only about me.

“Everyday that you let me spend with you I will prove you that I’m trustworthy. Can you let me do that, please?”

Reid’s pupils are dilated, his frown is still present yet he looks as if he’s almost begging. His eyes switch from my eyes to my lips and his thumb keeps moving slowly on my skin. I feel my knees weak, I remember the lonely feeling I experienced this weekend and I found myself negotiating again. Just a little longer, just for a while…

Nodding, I finally put my hands on him again, feeling that they are shaking as I touch his shoulders and then his neck. Reid finally smiles, showing his teeth, eyes becoming smaller and the wrinkles on his cheeks getting wider.

“I promise you, love, you won’t regret it.”

He kisses me and I don’t move for a second, feeling in a trance. Then, I’m moving forward and searching for his kiss too. Everytime I feel Reid’s lips I’m suddenly not in my body, the way he kisses me like he’s making love to my tongue, the way his hands start to stroke every part of me he can reach and the small groans he lets out as he pulls me closer to his body, it’s like I can see myself loving it.

I don’t know what I would think of it later on, but now I’m willing to let myself enjoy this for a little longer. For as long as he can keep me in this state of me where there is only him in my mind and nothing else.