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Chapter Text

The sun is standing high in the German afternoon sky and Seb has to shield his eyes with one hand to get through the pitlane without causing an accident due to being blinded by the sun. It’s the 15th of April, the day before the first race of the F3 season in 2005 and the first race Seb will drive in F3 for Mücke Motorsports.

The 18-year-old is sporting a huge smile as he walks along the paddock with a bounce in his steps. Throwing a glance over his shoulder he’s making sure his parents are staying at a distance, doesn’t want to be the uncool kid from the start, the kid with both of his parents always trailing at his side.

When he turns around again, he sees a flash of a big white smile, before he sits on the ground, confusedly blinking up against the sunlight. The man he’s apparently walked straight into is already on his feet again, cleaning the dirt off his white racing suit that shines bright against his dark skin. He’s holding out a hand for Seb to help him get up again, and with a slightly embarrassed look on his face, Sebastian takes it.

“I’m so sorry, I always forget to look where I’m going. Did you hurt yourself?” The man in front of him gives Seb a bright smile and shakes his head.

“Don’t worry about it, man, I didn’t look where I was going either. I guess we were both at fault. Let’s just not do it on the racetrack, yeah?” He chuckles lightly. “I’m Lewis, by the way. Lewis Hamilton.”

“I’m Sebastian. You’ve driven in Formula 3 last season already, right?” Seb remembers hearing Lewis’ name in people’s conversations around the track in Formula BMW last season. They were already talking about him as if he was the next Michael Schumacher and Seb was interested to see if those people were right.

“Yeah, I was. I drove for Manor Motorsport last season but I’m with ASM this season. What about you? I haven’t seen you around last year.” Sebastian shakes his head and is already opening his mouth to answer Lewis, when he feels a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Basti, always the clumsy one.” His mom and dad have caught up to them, both trying to suppress laughter. Seb feels his cheeks burning and he averts his gaze towards the ground. He’s fidgeting around with his feet, drawing small circles on the concrete, but looks up again when he hears an unfamiliar chuckle.

“It’s alright, I didn’t look where I was going either.” Lewis is still smiling, throwing Seb a slightly mischievous look as if he knows exactly how annoying it can be to have your parents around in the paddock. He probably does, to be fair.

“I need to go now, but it was nice getting to know you, Basti.” Seb’s nickname sounds so strange when Lewis says it - it’s probably just because it’s not the common British nickname for Sebastian - that he can’t fight the grin from spreading out on his face.

“Yeah, it was nice meeting you. Oh, and just say Seb. My parents are the only ones who call me Basti.” Lewis lets out a little laugh and raises his hand in an awkward movement as if he doesn’t know whether to wave or to shake Seb’s hand again. He opts for the waiving and Sebastian can’t stop himself from thinking how adorable that is.

“He seemed like a nice man,” his mother smiles and Seb mentally rolls his eyes; that’s always the thing his mother says about anyone after meeting them for the first time. But he can’t even disagree this time because Lewis did seem like an easy-going and friendly person.

His father nods in agreement, before he starts pushing on Seb’s shoulder to make him start walking again. They’re already late for the team meeting and there’s nothing his father hates more than being late.

Sebastian doesn’t see much of Lewis anymore that day as he is way too occupied with getting all of the preparations done in time.

The next day is stressful to say the least. Seb’s parents seem to be even more excited than he is and when he sees the chance to be alone for a minute without their constant chatter about performance and safety, he takes it.

He walks down a corridor in the garages, hears the bustling of engineers and the sounds of the cars from outside and hides in one of the door frames. Sliding down the wood he lets his head fall back and closes his eyes.

It’s not as if he’s nervous; how could he be after so many years of karting and Formula BMW? But then, why do his hands suddenly go all clammy and cold and why does he feel as if the air is being pressed out of his chest?

Seb is trying to take some deep breaths to calm himself down. He draws his legs close to his body, clutches his arms around them and lays his head on his knees. Just breathe in, slowly…. and out again, slowly.

It works for half a minute, then he feels his breath speeding up again and he has to bite down hard on his lips to suppress a frustrated scream.

It’s just a different Formula series, it’s not as if he’s going to race his idols in that car outside of the garages. It’s probably not even that different to the BMW series from last year. Get it together!

Too caught up in his own head, Seb doesn’t hear the steps that echo from the empty corridor walls. Only when he feels a hand lightly closing around his wrist does he look up. Lewis is squatting in front of him, his eyes filled with sympathy.

“Hey, you alright,” he asks, his hand squeezing Seb’s wrist in a comforting way. The 18-year-old wants to nod; he doesn’t need his rival, because when it’s broken down, that’s what the two of them are, to see him showing any kind of weakness in front of him. But the moment he starts to move his head, the air is pressed out of his lungs again. Seb is breathing heavily and puts his head between his knees once more.

He digs his fingers into the soft palm of his hands, tries to anchor himself in the here and now, but that lifeline is slipping away from him. He can’t stop the tornado of anxiety, fear, pressure and embarrassment from sweeping through his mind, hurling all of his self-confidence and excitement in the furthest corner of his head.

“Hey hey, shit, try to breathe, Seb, please.” Lewis tries his best to keep his voice calm and collected. The Brit lets himself sink down on his knees, his hand still wrapped around Seb's wrist. He's closer now than before which gives him the right angle to run his other hand up and down Seb's back.

"Just try to breathe with me, okay? C'mon, let's do this together. Okay, in… and out. And in… and out." Lewis tightens his grip around Seb's wrist, and the German tries to focus completely on the pressure of the other man's fingers around his arm. Focuses on how calloused the fingertips are against his own skin.

Seb is trying to get in sync with Lewis' breathing rhythm, his heartbeat slowing down agonising minute by agonising minute. He focuses on where he feels Lewis' skin on his own, where the warmth of the other man is colliding with the coldness that has settled in Seb's bones.

"You're doing great, man. Try a bit slower, just listen to me breathing. Slowly in… and out…" A few minutes pass where Seb solely puts all his energy in breathing in sync with Lewis. The feeling of having something hard and heavy on his chest slowly fades away and he raises his head just enough to see Lewis next to him. The other man sends him an encouraging smile, not stopping to breathe loudly and over the top for Seb to follow. They do this for another few minutes, until Seb exhales shakily.

"Are you doing any better?" Sebastian lets his head sink against the doorframe behind him and untangles his hand from Lewis' grip to push the blonde strands of hair out of his eyes. He closes them for a short moment, takes a deep breath, then turns towards Lewis.

"Yeah, I think so. Thank you, Lewis, really. I don't know what this was or where it came from, but I don't think I would've managed to get through it on my own. You didn’t have to sit down with me, you’re racing in a few minutes as well."

Suddenly, the realization hits him that he doesn’t know how long he has already been sitting there. Coldness shoots through his spine and he turns toward Lewis, his face agitated and his breathing starting to speed up again.

“Shit the race. How long have I been here? Did we miss the start? Shit, Lewis I’m so sorry.”
Lewis straightens up a bit, putting both of his hands on Sebastian’s chest to press him back against the doorframe, not letting him stand up.

“Hey, it’s alright, we still have some time. I just want you to try to calm down as much as you can before we go outside again. The race doesn’t start for another 20 minutes, trust me. I’ve got you.” Seb slowly sinks back against the doorframe, his hands falling to his sides. He closes his eyes for a second before reopening them when Lewis pulls his hands back from his chest, wrapping them around his legs instead.

“I just… I was never scared of a race before and I don’t know why I am today. I mean, yes, it’s bigger than the BMW series, but nothing really changed and-,” he stops short, embarrassment flooding his mind and he feels how the blood in his cheeks paints them red.

“I’m sorry, I’m sure you’ve got better things to do pre-race than sitting in an empty corridor and listening to the new kid whine.” Lewis just shakes his head, an honest smile on his lips.

“Don’t be sorry man, I was the same. I was so nervous before my first race last season that I hid in a corner and waited there with the full intention of not coming out again. But my best friend was looking for me until he found me sitting there and just pulled me out with him. Which was the best thing to ever happen to me, ‘cause I don’t think my team would’ve forgiven me for not taking part in the race.”
Lewis lets out a soft laugh, resting his chin on his knees. He seems lost in his memories for a moment and Seb isn’t sure if he can say something.

“Is he still driving in Formula 3 this season? Your best friend I mean,” he asks after a moment, happy to get the attention away from himself. He’s also honestly interested in the answer because, as far as he knows, he hasn’t seen Lewis walking around with anyone else in the paddock the last two days. Lewis focuses his eyes on Sebastian again and shakes his head lightly.

“No, Nico is driving for ART in the GP2 series this year. He’s also a test driver for Williams in F1, which is still so weird somehow. I’m sure he’ll be in F1 soon. Crazy, if you think about it, we’ve been dreaming about that since we were kids.” Seb has to smile at the pride with which Lewis talks about his best friend.

“You two must be really close.” Lewis nods at that. “Yeah, I really miss having him around. It was fun to drive in the same series as him last year. But -,” he boxes lightly against Seb’s knee and grins at the blonde one, “at least I already found someone else to beat this year.”

Seb laughs freely, for the first time in the last half an hour without any other thoughts in his mind. He punches Lewis against his shoulder, making the other one lose his balance slightly.

“Let’s see about that, shall we?” Lewis has to stabilize himself with his hands behind his back to not fall over and he tries to kick his foot against Seb’s, but the other one has already jumped up.

“You just turned from a frightened kid into a cocky teenager. Don’t be too full of yourself just yet,” Lewis says without any heat or malice in his tone. He grins up at Sebastian who reaches out his hand to help the older one up. Lewis playfully considers it for a moment, then laughs, grabs it and lets himself be pulled up.

He puts an arm around Sebastian’s shoulder and starts walking in the direction of the racetrack.

“Come one now, I’ve got a race to win.”

The two of them get closer over the next few weeks, hardly leaving each other’s sides during the weekends and they love to drive their trainers nuts with late night burgers or pizza. Seb also meets Nico once, who comes to watch Lewis’ race during a weekend when he doesn’t drive himself and they get along well from the start.

Over time, Sebastian starts to notice little things as well; like Lewis sneaking glances at Nico when he thinks the other one isn’t looking, or him taking every excuse he gets to touch the other one, an arm around the shoulders, a ruffle through the blonde hair, a punch in Nico’s side.

Seb observes it all, sees how Lewis’ eyes light up when Nico texts him, how they dim when he sees pictures of Nico with women at his sides in one of those stupid tabloids, even if he always tries to joke about it. Seb observes it but doesn’t say anything.

If Lewis wants to talk about it, he will.

It happens sooner than Seb has been expecting it to, though.

Seb and his dad have just arrived in their hotel in Nürnberg for the 11th race of the season, when he gets a text message from Lewis. Their dads have started to book them a double room after a few weeks into the season, seeing as it was cheaper than two single ones, since Lewis and Seb were always hanging out in one room anyways. It also gave their dads the possibility to take turns in accompanying the two men to the races, which meant less taking-days-off from work.

Seb frowns and bites down on his lower lip, lost in thoughts. The message doesn’t sound anything like Lewis usually writes, no emojis, no jokes. He’s been a bit off during the whole week, but Sebastian has just written it off as stress.

“Hey dad, is it okay if I already go up? I’m not really hungry anyway, we’ll meet up with you for dinner in a few hours, yeah?” His dad just gives him the look he’s started to get really good at due to lots of practice. It’s a raised right eyebrow, which creates some small wrinkles on his forehead, and a piercing stare that Seb can’t escape.

“I don’t want you boys ordering room service again, especially not ten different things like last time, are we clear?”
Seb sighs, catches himself from rolling his eyes.

“Dad, that was one time!”

His dad just raises his eyebrow higher, and he wins the staring contest after three seconds. Sebastian averts his eyes and fidgets nervously with his fingers. He just wants to be able to get to his room and to see what’s wrong with Lewis. He’s usually the positive and happy one, always a smile on his lips and a joke on his mind. Seb is a bit worried what the cause of change in Lewis’ behaviour is all about.

His dad sighs and hands him the room card.

“Alright, but I’ll see you both at 6 p.m. sharp, you hear me? And leave your phone on loud.”

Snatching the card out of his dad’s hands, Seb mutters a quick “see you later” and is already on his way to the staircase. They’re not that well paid yet as F3 drivers and because both their parents don’t mind saving a bit of money the hotels are never the best the city has to offer. Which means that Seb has to carry his suitcase up the staircase until he gets to the third floor.

He reaches Lewis’ and his room a bit out of breath and takes a second to collect himself. If he’s honest, there’s nervousness rising up, creating a lump in his throat, hard to swallow down.

Yes, Lewis and him have become fast friends and yes, they can talk about everything. However, that doesn’t mean that there’s never an awkward silence between the two of them in which Sebastian doesn’t know what to say.

When he’s met Nico and spent the weekend with the two of them, he’s felt affronted from time to time. Not that Nico and Lewis have wanted to make him feel like the third wheel, but they’ve known each other for such a long time already that they understood each other without words. They’ve been so good at reading one another’s mimics and thoughts, that Seb has often just sat there, observing them in awe of how close two people could become.

He is thankful for Lewis’ friendship, for his guidance and his never-ending belief in Sebastian.

But sometimes Seb catches himself wishing for more. Wishing for a friendship that runs so deep that words are not necessary anymore, a friendship without awkward moments where one doesn’t know what to say, no minutes where silence moves the hands of the clock. A friendship that is full of trust and understanding, where he knows what the other person is feeling even before they know it themselves and where he can anticipate what’s waiting for him on the other side of the door.

Because that’s the real reason he’s still standing in front of the wooden frame, the room key in one hand and the suitcase in the other: He doesn’t know what to expect once he opens that door.

Usually, Seb’s the friend for fun, breaking diets and football before the race. When it comes to things that run deeper, to the things that build Lewis from the inside and shape him into the person that he is, the Brit usually turns to Nico. And Sebastian understands that, but that makes it even harder to anticipate what is happening right now.

The blonde takes a deep breath, then unlocks the door and pokes his head inside the room.
It’s quiet.

Seb closes the door behind himself and leaves the suitcase in the hallway. He’s going to unpack it later. Slipping out of his shoes, Seb throws his jacket over the suitcase. The room looks untouched, only Lewis’ black gym bag on the floor indicates that he is here.

“Lew?” Seb asks, looking around the room. Has he left already again?

Frowning, Sebastian takes a look around, but Lewis is nowhere in sight. He’s about to take out his phone to dial Lewis’ number, when he hears a sound coming from the bathroom. The door is standing slightly ajar and Seb can see a tiny streak of yellow light coming out of the room.

He crosses the distance with fast steps and looks into the bathroom. Seb didn’t know what to expect, but it definitely hasn’t been this. Lewis is sitting on the floor next to the shower, his arms hugging his legs close to his body, his head buried between his knees. His shoulders move up and down in irregular motions and Seb can hear sniffling. It takes him a second to process the picture in front of him.
Lewis is crying.

For a second, Seb panics. He doesn’t know what to do or how to help Lewis and he actually thinks about calling Nico, but first of all, he doesn’t have his number and second of all, there must’ve been a reason why Lewis hasn’t already done that himself.

Sebastian walks over to Lewis and sits down next to him, leaning his back against the cold tiles on the wall. Seb has never seen Lewis cry before; neither out of sadness nor out of happiness. Biting down on his lip, uncertainty leaves his hand hanging in the air for a second, before he puts it on Lewis’ shoulder. He starts rubbing circles on the soft fabric of Lewis’ purple sweater with his thumb, not knowing how much physical closeness the other man wants or is able to bear at that moment.

“Lew… what’s wrong? You want to talk about it?” Seb’s voice is quiet and wavering, but Lewis doesn’t answer. He just stays in the exact same position as Seb has found him and the only movement he observes are Lewis’ trembling shoulders. He tries it again, but success remains elusive.

Sighing quietly, Seb scoots closer to his friend, the sides of their bodies touching, and he puts his arm around Lewis’ back, pulling him closer. He lays his head against Lewis’ shoulders and closes his eyes. For a moment, the older one goes stiff and quiet; then he leans into Seb.

When Lewis finally gives in and slumps against Sebastian, he isn’t sniffling anymore but full-on crying. Just sitting there, the minutes going by, Seb holds onto his friend, trying to give him as much support as he can.

His heart constricts with every sob that shakes through Lewis’ whole body and he has to fight against the tears welling up in his own eyes; not out of sadness but out of frustration that he doesn’t know what’s going on or how to help Lewis, how to protect his friend from the hurt he feels right now.

“I... - I’m just… - Nico…” Seb shushes him when Lewis tries to speak up through his sobs and ragged breath.

“Lew, don’t. Try to calm down first, okay?” He continues rubbing his hand over Lewis’ back in a comforting way, drawing circles on the fabric of the hoodie.
Lewis’ sobs slowly get less and less, but his shoulders are pulled up high to his ears and his head is still stuck between his legs. Softly, Sebastian brushes over Lewis’ head. The older one sniffs once more, then he slowly raises his head, his arms still hugging his knees close to his chest.

His eyes are swollen and the white around his dark brown irises is broken into little shapes by delicate red lines. There are tear stains drying on his cheeks, but fortunately no new ones are welling up in his eyes. Seb tilts his head lightly to the left and smiles softly.

“There you are.” He cradles Lewis’ cheek and wipes the tears away with his thumb. Lewis closes his eyes, breathing in deeply, before opening them again.

“You ready to talk?” Sebastian asks cautiously, not wanting to send Lewis back into the state he’s been in just a minute ago. He’s pulling his hand away from Lewis’ cheek and puts it back on the other’s shoulder, squeezing it lightly.

“I think so, but can we maybe sit down somewhere else? My back is hurting like hell.” Lewis chuckles lightly, a sound that immediately raises Seb’s lips into a smile.

“Sure, come on. Let’s get you up, old man,” Seb teases and untangles himself from Lewis before standing up, using the tiled wall for help. Lewis rubs his eyes with his hands that are hidden away by the large sleeves of his hoodie, drying the tears. He accepts Seb’s hand and pulls himself up, a bit wobbly on his feet.

“I’ll be out in a minute, just need to get some cold water on my face before, yeah?”
Seb just nods and leaves the bathroom.

He’s just sat down on the sofa, curling his feet under his legs and hugging one of the cushions close to his chest, when Lewis comes out of the bathroom. He looks small in his big hoodie and sweatpants, his shoulders pulled up to his head, hands buried in his pockets. Sitting down cross-legged on the other side of the couch, his fingers immediately start picking at the seam of his pants.

Lewis doesn’t look at Sebastian but continues to stare at his hands. He takes a deep breath and tries to say something, but it seems to get stuck in his throat. Pinching his nose, he squeezes his eyes shut.

Seb just sits there, looking at his friend, waiting for him to say something. He’s never been good at this, at calming someone down, reassuring them; he wants to help Lewis, but doesn’t know how.

“Fuck, this is so hard,” Lewis mumbles, his voice thin. “Promise me you won’t hate me afterwards?”

Sebastian raises an eyebrow; he’s confused to say the least.

“Lewis, why would I hate you?”

“Just promise!” Lewis’ voice is harder now and he looks up, a piercing look that turns the warm brown of his eyes into something cold and it bores itself into Seb’s eyes.

“I promise. I could never hate you.” He hears Lewis mumble something along the lines of yeah, we’ll see about that, and he wants to say something else, when Lewis spits out three words, fast and choppy, as if he’s scared they might hurt him if he takes his time to say them.

“I am gay.”

Sebastian doesn’t know whether he is even surprised or has just been waiting for it to happen. If he’s being honest, he’s known this since he saw Lewis and Nico together a few weeks back. He’s never had the time to sit down and think about what Lewis’ longing gazes or fleeting touches might entail, but the longer he ponders about it, the more it makes sense to him.

Lost in his thoughts, Seb must’ve been quiet for too long, because next thing he knows, Lewis has jumped up, pacing through the room.

“I knew I shouldn’t have said anything, I knew you wouldn’t understand. FUCK, why am I so stupid?!”
Sebastian can just stare at his friend for a second, too shocked at his outbreak. But when Lewis starts throwing punches against the wall, seemingly too caught up in his own hurt and anger, Seb snaps out of his trance and runs over to Lewis, quickly intercepting the blows.

“What are you doing, are you crazy? Stop hurting yourself!” But Lewis is fully at the mercy of his own feelings, and he rips his hands out of Seb’s.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” he seethes, taking a step back, his hands clenching into fists. His whole body is trembling, adopting a defensive stance. Sebastian holds his hands up in a soothing gesture, slowly taking a small step towards Lewis.

“Lew, I’m not gonna touch you, okay? But I promise you, that I don’t hate you. I’m not gonna pretend like I know how you’re feeling right now, but I could never hate you for being gay. It’s a totally normal thing and you don’t have to be ashamed of who you are.”

He’s speaking in a calming voice and either that or his words seem to have an effect on the man opposite of him, because Lewis slowly lowers his shoulders, his arms dangling down by his sides. His eyes are wide open, a hopeful shine glistening in them.

“You’re not messing with me?”

Seb feels a jab piercing through his heart, and he has to pull himself together in order to not let it show on his face. It hurts, that Lewis thinks he might not be okay with him being gay or that he could actually consider messing with Lewis in a moment like this. But he tries to put himself in Lewis’ shoes, tries to imagine how vulnerable he must feel right now.

“I’m not messing with you, I promise.” A small sob escapes Lewis’ lips and before Sebastian can say or do anything else, Lewis throws his arms around Seb, his face buried in the crook of Seb’s neck. The latter hugs him close to his body and presses his nose into the short dark hair.

“I’ve got you, it’s all right, Lew.”

He doesn’t know for how long they’re standing in the middle of the room, holding on to each other, their bodies breathing into one another.

“I think I might be in love with Nico.” Seb nearly misses the words Lewis mumbles into his shirt, his fingers clasped into the thin fabric, digging into Seb’s back.

“I know,” he answers, holding on to Lewis a bit tighter to give him the affirmation that not even this will make him hate or turn his back on him. Lewis just nestles closer into Seb’s body, his warm breath hitting against Sebastian’s collarbone. His shirt is getting damp in the place, where Lewis’ face is pressed against it, but Seb doesn’t complain.

“He’s got a new girlfriend. Told me about her on Monday.”

His heart breaks for Lewis; he can’t imagine how the older one must be feeling right now, and he wishes he could lift some of the hurt from Lewis’ heart, take it on to himself instead.

“I’m so sorry, Lewis. I don’t really know what to say, but I’m always here for you, okay?” He strokes lightly over Lewis’ back, feeling the deep breaths the older one takes vibrating against his fingertips.

They stay like this for a bit longer until Lewis carefully detangles himself from Sebastian’s hold.

“Promise you will not tell anyone about this?”
Sebastian holds his hand up, his pinky stretched out towards Lewis. “Pinky promise.”

Lewis laughs, rubs the new tears that have been welling up in his eyes away with the back of his hand and wraps his own pinky around Seb’s.

“Thank you.”

Chapter Text

“Yes, Sebastian! Well done, that’s P3!”

Giddy and with a beaming smile hidden behind the helmet, Sebastian parks his car in front of the third-place sign, removes the steering wheel and wriggles out of the tight seat. The last race of the F3 season this year ended on a high and Seb would’ve never thought that this season would be as amazing for him as it turned out to be. He might not have won a race, as most of the wins this year went to Lewis, but Seb doesn’t know anyone who deserves it more. Especially because that has meant that, out of his six podium finishes, Seb got to celebrate five of them with Lewis next to him.

When a familiar black and silver car pulls up on his left side, the corners of his lips lift even higher. Leaving the steering wheel on top of the car, he jumps down to the ground, running straight over to Lewis who’s just climbed out of his car as well and has his arms opened wide for Seb to bounce into.

“You did amazing, I’m so proud of you!” Seb screams at Lewis through his helmet, hoping the older one even understands his words through all of the noise around them. They’ve stopped jumping, both out of breath. Seb opens his visor first and then proceeds to do the same with Lewis’, as the other one’s hands are shaking too much from the adrenaline that’s still coursing through his veins. Their broad smiles match, nearly putting the sun to shame.

“You’ve just won the championship, man!”

Lewis hits Seb’s arm playfully, his hand staying there and squeezing it softly. “Party. Tonight. I need loud music and alcohol to make up for this crazy race.” Sebastian laughs at this and nods; he can’t wait to let loose and have fun tonight.

They both enjoy the podium celebration, taking the champagne fight a bit too seriously and walk back to their motorhomes absolutely drenched in sticky alcohol. They don’t really see the point in changing into other clothes, seeing as they will shower in their hotel room in a few minutes anyways, but Lewis’ dad, who’s with them this weekend, doesn’t want to let them into the car like that.

Apparently, they stink - Lewis argues it’s the smell of success - but his dad gives him a stern look and Lewis turns around and walks back to the motorhome, a snickering Sebastian right next to him.

When they’re finally back at the hotel, Lewis’ dad hugs them both and wishes them a fun night but also reminds them that he expects both to act responsibly.

“Yeah, yeah,” Lewis just answers mindlessly, grabbing Sebastian’s arm and pulling the 19-year-old after him. They take turns showering and help the other one to pick their clothes for tonight. Well - Lewis chooses, Seb just wears whatever the hell his friend throws on the bed for him.

He’s never been the most fashionable one; Seb is running around in a race suit or team clothes most of the time anyways, so he doesn’t really see the point in owning anything more than a few shirts and pants. But whenever he and Lewis go out or do anything out of the ordinary in the life of a racing driver, Lewis usually just chooses some clothes that he likes and gives them to Seb to wear.

Today it’s just a simple black shirt paired with some dark blue jeans, a jeans jacket and some off-white sneakers. Lewis is dressed more flashy - as always. Pairing a black skinny jeans, a yellow shirt, some necklaces over it, a purple cap and a leather jacket thrown over his shoulders is something Seb would never even consider, but he can’t deny that it suits Lewis.

Lewis grins brightly at him, throwing an arm around the smaller one’s shoulders and starts jumping up and down.

“Someone is excited,” Seb laughs, soaking in Lewis’ giddiness. The older one just smiles wider, his eyes already sparkling with anticipation.

“Of course. I’m the F3 champion, babyyyy. And we’re both single good-looking dudes and ready to mingle, am I right?” Seb just shakes his head at Lewis’ comment but can’t stop himself from laughing again.

“Okay, okay, let’s get you on the dancefloor, Prince Charming.”

They call a taxi to take them to the city centre of Hockenheim, both not entirely sure where to go since they’ve never been there during the night, on the look-out for a nightclub. They soon find some people their own age who are all seemingly walking in the same direction, and they decide to just follow them.

Seb is hugging his arms around himself in an attempt to warm himself - a jean jacket at the end of October with around 0°C definitely wasn’t Lewis’ best decision. But Lewis is not faring any better, and he’s rubbing his hands together before putting them back into the pockets of his leather jacket, searching for some warmth.

He can hear Lewis exhale relieved when they finally arrive at a club, the Tanzcafé Atlanta, and they quickly step into the line that has already started to form in front of the entrance. It’s only half past nine, quite early to start partying, and on top of that it’s a Sunday, but the people around them don’t seem to mind that.

Once they finally step into the hallway that leads to the only dancefloor the club owns, a gush of warm air hits Sebastian’s face, making it hard to breathe for a second until he gets used to the humid temperatures in the room. With the loud music and the deep and thunderous bass it’s hard to understand anything that people around him are saying and it takes Lewis two attempts to ask Seb what he wants to drink. He asks for a beer, but Lewis just raises his eyebrow at him and shakes his head in a feigned disappointed way.

When the older one turns towards the bar and gestures for Seb to join him, Sebastian’s chance of starting moderately into the night is gone within seconds. There are at least three different shots for each of them standing on the counter, every single one having an even weirder colour than the one next to it. Lewis has also ordered him a drink that looks suspiciously a lot like gin.

“Lewis, I don’t even like gin,” Sebastian groans, but the Brit is already handing him the first of the shot glasses; it contains a weird looking green liquid and Seb eyes it sceptically. Lewis doesn’t even answer him anymore, just downs the shot and looks expectantly at Sebastian. The latter sighs; today was the last race they’ll drive together in F3 as Lewis will be driving in GP2 next season and Seb doesn’t have it in him to go against Lewis’ wishes for their last night as drivers of the same series, which is why he downs the shot as well.

It tastes disgusting, and Seb can’t stop the muscles in his face from portraying his thoughts on it very visibly. However, Lewis doesn’t take mercy on him; he just laughs and hands him the next one. Sebastian sends his friend a pleading look, but the older one just throws his head back, drinking the second shot, before taking the last one into his hands.

So Seb just drinks with him.

Each of them grabbing their cheap Gin & Tonic - it tastes as cheap as it is, if not even cheaper - they’re making their way through the crowd at the bar, trying to find a space on the dance floor where they have a bit of room for themselves. It’s to no avail as the club is already bursting, so they settle for a spot close to the wall.

With the alcohol already clouding his mind the gin suddenly doesn’t taste that bad anymore.

The room gets warmer by the second and the bass of the music must be fully turned up, as Seb has a hard time making out any lyrics against the thumping noise. Lewis gets lost in the music immediately, moving his body to the rhythm, his eyes closed.

Seb is holding the drink in one hand while the other one is buried in his pocket and he’s moving his upper body to the music, trying to get lost in it like Lewis is, but it’s just not really his kind of music.

He needs more alcohol for that to happen.

Looking around the room, he notices a group of girls looking at Lewis and he has to hide his smirk by taking a sip out of the glass. For the first time this evening he lets his eyes roam over Lewis’ body, and he can kind of understand why these girls can’t keep their eyes from him. It’s a miracle they’re not openly drooling yet.

Lewis opens his eyes right at the moment where Seb’s are following the movement of his hips and the older one grins, stepping closer to Sebastian. “Like what you see?” he jokes and Seb can’t stop the blush from creeping up his face. He clears his throat awkwardly, not really knowing what to say as it would be a lie to deny it. To avoid having to answer Lewis’ question, Seb downs his gin in one go, earning a “whoop, imma get some more” from the man in front of him. Mentally cursing himself, Seb hands him the now empty glass; that was definitely not what he wanted to achieve with that.

When Lewis comes back, he’s got two long drinks and two more shots with him. The alcohol burns in Seb’s throat but where it would have been unpleasant half an hour ago, he doesn’t notice it anymore.

The room grows darker and warmer; at some point Seb is shaking the jeans jacket from his shoulders, throwing it carelessly in a corner of the room on top of Lewis’ leather jacket.

He feels his inhibitions slowly fading, feels the alcohol warming him from within. The blood in his veins paints his cheeks red and he is breathless from dancing and singing along to the songs he recognizes. The drink in his hand is getting less and less, but part of it still swaps out of the glass when Seb trips over his own feet.

Thankfully, Lewis’ hands on his chest hold him upright even though he is no longer steady on his feet either. The older one laughs, grinning at Sebastian, but Seb’s gaze gets stuck on Lewis’ lips. He could swear he’s never seen them this red before and his breath hitches in his throat when Lewis’ tongue runs over his lower lip. The neon lights of the room get caught in the wetness on the Lewis’ lips and Seb suddenly wonders how they might feel against his own.

He blinks a few times and forces himself to stop looking at those lips; his vision is already blurred a bit, mainly due to the flashing lights in the club, but partly because the alcohol has fully inebriated his brain by now. Seb feels as if his arms and legs are moving by themselves, and he doesn’t know how to regain control over them. But it’s easier to follow the rhythm of the music that way so he doesn’t overthink it.

At some point, the hours start to pass like minutes and the minutes like seconds, both men having lost their sense of time - and of mind, some might argue - long ago. The crowd is so large by now, that Seb has people pressing into him from every side, but he enjoys it. He relishes in the heat, the sweat, the laughter and the music in a way he never thought he ever would. It’s definitely because he’s drunk but his mind can’t even draw this conclusion anymore, so he just settles on focusing on the endorphins moving through his body.

Lewis wraps his hand around Seb’s wrist, pulling him towards the bar once again. Their half empty glasses of something Seb doesn’t recognize in his mouth - it’s some sort of alcohol and it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so he doesn’t question it - in their hands, Lewis orders two shots of Tequila. The bartender shoots them a strange look but puts the schnaps down in front of them anyways.

“Thaaaaaanks,” Lewis slurs, the grin on his face never fading.

There’s a new song starting now, and the crowd is going crazy when the first notes of Hung Up by Madonna fill the room. Seb rolls his eyes fondly when he sees Lewis’ facial expression; the Brit has been listening to this song on repeat for weeks now. Even though the people around him are screaming and shouting the lyrics he can still hear Lewis’ voice through all the noise.

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate

Lewis’ ability to hit the notes correctly has been long washed away by alcohol and Sebastian laughs at his friend, earning a pout from the older one. His drunk mind feels bad for it instantly and he starts singing along as well, trying to cheer Lewis up again by not hitting most of the notes on purpose. It earns him a happy grin and it just takes a second for the other man to pick up his singing once more.

I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

They both go for their Tequila shots at the same time; biting into the lemon, they instantly wrinkle their noses when the bitter taste mixed with salt hits their taste buds, but they wash it out with the alcohol.

Time goes by, so slowly

Lewis leans forward a bit, his eyes focusing on Sebastian’s lips. “You’ve still got some salt on your lips,” Lewis says, so close that Sebastian can feel the brunette’s hot breath hitting against the soft skin of his cheeks. He bites down on his lower lip, observes how Lewis’s breath hitches when his gaze is fixed on Seb’s mouth.

Time goes by, so slowly
I don’t know what to do

Lewis raises his eyes again, searching for Sebastian’s in the low light of the room and they just stare at each other, blocking out the world around them. He takes a small step back out of reflex, his back hitting against the bar counter, but Lewis simply follows him. Seb can feel his heart speeding up, his hands getting sweaty but somehow, he can’t break free from the other man; something doesn’t make him want to break free.

Lewis is closer than before now. Sebastian feels the warmth radiating from the older one's body, hears the sound of his irregular breathing, thinks he can hear Lewis’ heartbeat overpowering the music. He can make out small specks of gold in brown irises, can see the tiny movements of Lewis’ nostrils, swears the Brit’s cheeks are tinted in a reddish colour.

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you

He’s kissed girls before, knows how it feels to have someone else’s lips pressed against his own, but somehow kissing Lewis is different. He feels his friend’s light stubble scratching against his face, notices every single movement Lewis’ lips make against his own, tastes the alcohol on Lewis’ tongue when he licks into his mouth.

Seb’s back is pressed against the counter, and he has to open his legs wider for Lewis to get that tiny step closer, to feel the other man completely pressed against himself. He is too drunk for his mind to process what’s going on; future-him will have to deal with this.

When he feels Lewis mumble his name against his lips, all of Seb’s self-control is washed away and he can’t hold back the low moan that hits against Lewis’ lips, feeling the blood rushing down into his groin.

“Let’s get out of here?”

Sebastian has never agreed to one of Lewis’ suggestions faster and seconds afterwards he stumbles after Lewis, their hands clasped together to not lose one another in the crowd.

The cold air hits them like a brick wall when they step outside of the nightclub, and only in that moment does Seb realize that they’ve left their jackets in the club. But the alcohol and something else that he can’t put a name on are keeping his body warm and he forgets about the jackets as soon as the thought has crossed his mind.

Luckily, there are enough cabs standing in front of the building and Lewis opens the door of one, pulling Seb after him who nearly falls on top of the older one. Snorting, Lewis helps him straighten up and presses a kiss against Seb’s lips, slightly missing them due to the immense amount of alcohol that is moving through his blood. The cab driver clears his throat and Seb is quick to tell him the address of the hotel they’re staying in, so he won’t throw them out of his car again.

When he turns back to Lewis he is met with big, shiny eyes.

“You’re so smart, how did you remember that,” Lewis whispers awestruck, making Sebastian giggle.

“You’re so drunk,” he replies, his hands searching for Lewis’ body in the darkness of the cab.

“And you’re so hot.”

At any other given time, Seb would’ve wanted the earth to open up when something like that is said in front of a stranger, so he could hide away, but he couldn’t care less right now.
In the flash of a street lantern that brightens up the car, he can make out the Brit’s head next to him and he puts his hands on the back of Lewis’ head, pulling him closer. However, he’s quick to notice that he’s forgotten about the baseball cap Lewis is still wearing, and instead of feeling the other’s lips on his, he hits his head against the rigid material of the visor. Lewis laughs and turns the cap to the side before cradling Seb’s cheek and kissing him again.

They make out in the backseat like two teenagers who have never kissed anyone else before and it’s a miracle the cab driver doesn’t just stop and throw them out of his car.

The street in front of the hotel is empty when the driver pulls in and he breaks a bit too hard, the two men in the back seat having to hold on to their seatbelts in order to not fall forward. Seb quickly pays the driver, before opening the door, but getting out of the cab is another problem. Lewis nearly falls out of the door and face down on the ground, but Seb luckily catches him in time, pulling him backwards so Lewis can find his balance again. They throw an overly happy “thank you” at the cab driver, who just grumbles something into his beard, counting the money, before speeding away from the two men.

“I don’t think he liked us very much,” Seb giggles and Lewis tries to shush him, but ends up laughing as well.

It takes them at least ten minutes longer to get up to their room than when they are sober, but Lewis notices how good Seb’s ass looks in those jeans on their way up the stairs and he presses him against the wall, kissing him with an open mouth. And then Seb doesn’t loosen his grip on Lewis’ biceps because he’s mesmerized by how the muscles move under his hands whenever Lewis tenses up.

They’re standing in front of their room door for a full five minutes because Lewis is struggling to get the key into the lock; but how could he, when Sebastian is standing right behind him, pressed against his back.

“Sebbyyyy, stop that,” Lewis whines, when he can’t stop his hands from roaming over Lewis’ body. Seb just shushes him, suppressing a laugh, and grabs the key from Lewis’ hands to try his luck. Finally, the door opens, and Sebastian is pushed inside, pressed against the closest wall whilst Lewis kicks the door shut with his foot.

Seb winces, when the door closes with a loud sound that echoes in the empty hallway outside. Lewis just laughs, his body pressed against Seb’s, and he can feel the vibration moving through the other’s body. They kiss again and Seb is glad he has the wall on his back and Lewis pressing into him from the front, because his knees are starting to wobble, and the alcohol is acting like poison for his balance.

“Bed,” Lewis mumbles against Seb’s lips, pulling him along to where he believes one of the beds is positioned in the room. They mentally curse themselves for being the messy men they are, nearly tripping over their clothes and bags that are lying on the floor. It’s a master performance that they make it to Lewis’ bed without one of them falling down, concerning the intoxicated state they’re in.

They fall onto the bed without any grace, trying to create enough space for the two of them on the small mattress. Lewis is half on top of Sebastian, his leg pressing in between Seb’s, eliciting a moan from the blonde when he brushes over his dick. The older one puts more pressure on Seb’s groin, smiling against his lips when he feels the sweet sounds of pleasure coming from Sebastian.

Both too intoxicated for anything other than grinding against each other, they quickly lose their clothes. Sebastian hisses when he feels the hot, soft skin of Lewis’ dick against his own, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth hanging slightly open. He’s thankful for the alcohol in his veins and the slowness of his brain; otherwise, he’d be freaking out right now, seeing as he’s laying in bed with another man, when all this time he thought he's straighter than an arrow.

“You good?”

Seb just nods, too far gone for anything else, his hips buckling up into Lewis who presses back down. Lewis groans, his face hidden in the crook of Sebastian’s neck, and bites into the soft skin, eliciting a moan out of the back of Seb’s throat. Pushing his hand in between their bodies, which is nearly impossible, Lewis takes both of them in his hand, messily stroking up and down.

With messy and irregular strokes, the heat in Seb’s groin starts burning up, engulfing his whole body and he comes within minutes, Lewis’ name on his lips. His toes curl into the mattress below, his fingers digging into the soft skin of Lewis’ back, and Lewis shortly follows suit.

Their panting breaths are the only sounds that fill the room for a few minutes, but by the time their heartbeats have calmed down to a normal level, both men are already fast asleep, cuddled into each other.

When Sebastian opens his eyes the next morning, his head is about to split in half due to the searing headache that sweeps through his skull. He closes his eyes again, rubbing his hands over his face and pushes the strands of blonde hair out of his forehead and behind his ears.

He hears a rustling sound and opens his eyes as far as he can without sending another wave of pain through his head. It’s way too bright in the room, they must’ve forgotten to close the curtains when they came home yesterday. Which is weird, because Seb always remembers to close the curtains, so what made him forget about it yesterday?

Suddenly, it all comes back to him and now Seb could really need that hole opening up in the ground beneath him to hide from the rest of the world. He groans quietly.

“Memories came back?”

Lewis’ voice is raspy and tainted with something that sounds a lot like embarrassment and shame. When Sebastian can finally focus on him, he sees a bare-chested Lewis in just a pair of sweatpants standing in the middle of the room, his hands fidgeting, and his gaze averted to the ground. Sebastian slowly sits up, leaning his back against the headboard of the bed.

“There’s an aspirin and a glass of water on the nightstand,” Lewis mumbles, still standing in the same spot in the room as if nailed to the ground. He fumbles with the strings of his sweatpants, gaze directed at the ground as if the carpet was the most captivating thing in the room. Seb quietly thanks him and downs the aspirin with some big gulps of water before leaning back against the bed.

Gathering all his courage, Lewis takes a tentative step forward, his hands raised in an apologetic way. “Seb, I’m so sorry. I was totally shitfaced last night, but that is no excuse, and I shouldn’t have come on to you like that. I know you’re not gay and I really really didn’t mean for this to happen.”

The younger one can almost feel Lewis’ shame in his own body, and he closes his eyes again, resting his head against the wall behind him. He wishes he would’ve had some time to himself to think about this before having this conversation with Lewis.

He knows that he’s not gay, but he also knows that his drunk self had absolutely nothing against what has happened yesterday. There’s no way that there’s something else, something more between him and Lewis though, right?

So why should this drunk mistake change anything about their friendship and in how they interact?

Sebastian opens his eyes again, sending the other man a small smile, hoping to erase the worried expression Lewis wears on his face.

“Hey, don’t do that. We were both drunk, right? And it didn’t really mean anything to both of us. Let’s just forget about it?” His voice turns higher at the end, unsure if that is what Lewis wants.
But the older one looks relieved, his shoulders are relaxing again, and his hands stop fidgeting. He breathes out with a sigh and nods his head.

“Yeah, okay. So... we good?”

“Yeah, Lew, of course we're good.”

Chapter Text

2012

Seb is still on the phone with Hanna when he hears a knock. “Wait a second, there’s someone at the door.” Excusing himself from the conversation, he crosses the room with a few steps. Opening the door, he sees the friendly face of the elderly receptionist smiling at him apologetically.

“Mr. Vettel, I hope I’m not disturbing you. But your car has arrived to take you to Çırağan Palace.”

“Thank you, can you tell the driver I’ll be right down with him?”

Seb gives her a smile and she nods, before turning around and walking away. He goes back into his room, picking up his phone again.

“Hey sorry, my car is already here. Is it okay if I call you afterwards?”

Sebastian steps in front of the mirror to take one last look at his outfit for the FIA prize giving gala - a black suit with a white shirt and a black bow tie - and ruffles through his hair one more time. Hanna would give him hell for not combing through it, but he doesn’t see the advantage of that, it will just turn messy within a minute again anyways.

“Yeah, of course, Basti. I wish I could be there with you tonight.”

Hanna’s voice gets quieter towards the end and Seb knows that she is indeed feeling awful for not being there. She knows how much he hates to go to these events, especially alone. Usually, it’s only okay for him when Hanna is by his side. Her sweet smile and the soft pressure of her hand against his arm make everything a lot more bearable; with her, he even has fun at those events from time to time.

His voice turns soft, and a small smile is playing on his lips when he tries to soothe her.

“Honey, it’s okay. I know that you’d be here if you could. I’ll live through tonight, even if you’re not here with me. And I promise not to flirt with too many women.”

The last sentence gets a chuckle out of his fiancé and Seb knows she’s rolling her eyes at him right now. He takes his wallet from the nightstand, checks if the key card is inside and turns off the light, his phone tucked in between his head and shoulder. Closing the door behind him, he starts walking down the hallway towards the elevator.

“As long as you get back home alone…” Hanna laughs, and for Seb it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. “Honestly though, enjoy tonight. You deserve it, world champion.”

“I’ll try my best. I love you, talk to you later!” He ends the call right when the doors of the elevator open, a smile on his face and his heart full of warmth and gratitude for the amazing woman he has by his side. They’ve been engaged for two months now, and Sebastian can’t imagine marrying anyone else, building a life with anyone else, other than her.

The car ride to the Çırağan Palace Kempinski hotel, where the prize giving gala for the 2012 F1 season is being held, is quiet and gives Sebastian some time to think about the season that’s behind him.

It’s been tough and everything has only been decided in the last race, which made winning it that much sweeter and more overwhelming. Three-times world champion - just thinking about it feels surreal and Seb can’t fight the massive grin that’s spreading on his face.

When the driver pulls up in front of the hotel, Seb thanks him, before stepping out of the car. He’s immediately engulfed in the flashing lights of the cameras, and, for a few seconds, he can only hear the clicking sounds. Sebastian keeps his eyes on the ground before he steps on the red carpet that leads to the grand entrance of the location. There are a lot fewer photographers here and he finally looks up, pleasantly surprised when he sees a pair of brown eyes looking at him from a few meters away.

Lewis is talking to Martin Whitmarsh at the moment but quickly excuses himself, giving his team principal a clap on the back, before striding towards Seb. The two of them have managed to stay friends during the last seven years, even though Lewis is arguably Seb’s biggest rival when it comes to the championship (at least when Seb’s opinion is sought out). Lewis has had a tough year at Mclaren, finishing 4th in the driver’s championship and has spent hours on the phone with Seb after the season, talking about his disappointment in himself, the team and the car.

Seeing a more or less relaxed Lewis in front of him is a welcome change, and Sebastian smiles brightly at his friend when he comes to stand in front of him. Lewis looks good in his suit and tie, much more put together than Seb feels in his. They exchange a quick hug and Seb notes somewhere in the back of his mind that the clicking sounds of the cameras almost sound like a swarm of wasps in that moment.

“Hey, I’m so glad you’re alone here as well,” Lewis mumbles into his ear, before pulling back, leaving one of his hands on Seb’s right shoulder, the light pressure grounding him. Only in that moment does

Seb register that Nicole is nowhere to be seen, and he has to hold himself back from letting out a relieved sigh.

It’s not as if he doesn’t like Lewis’ girlfriend, he just… well, he really doesn’t. Especially since he knows that the relationship has been doomed from the start, taking into account that Sebastian remembers quite vividly when his friend came out to him years ago. He’s had long talks about it with Lewis but none of them seemed to go anywhere except ending in a fight between the two of them. Seb was always the one to quickly apologize because, at the end of the day, he doesn’t know how it feels to walk in the older one’s shoes.

And apparently, Nicole does make Lewis happy - from time to time. Just not in the way Sebastian thinks Lewis deserves. However, they’ve stopped discussing that topic after another fight the night right before the qualifying of the Spanish Grand Prix, where both of them drove horribly the next day, still angry at each other and not able to keep a cool mind for their racing.

Since then, Seb tries very hard to be overly nice whenever he meets Nicole. But something just bugs him about her, about seeing her and Lewis together, about the way Lewis’ eyes only shine half as bright as they should when he looks at her. Sebastian wonders how the media hasn’t picked up on it yet; but Nicole and Lewis are still celebrated as the celebrity couple par excellence. At least that’s what Hanna tells him.

“Yeah, Hanna couldn’t make it. What about Nicole?”

Lewis just shrugs, putting on a smile for the paparazzi who are currently trying to outdo one another by getting the perfect picture of the two of them.

“She’s got a fashion show or something.”

Seb chooses not to comment on that; he’s been getting good about letting this topic fall under the rug. Instead, he puts an arm around Lewis’ waist and turns towards the cameras, putting up a smile for a few seconds, before pulling Lewis with him.

“Come on, let’s get inside. I need a drink or else I won’t make it through the night.”

His mumble is barely audible, just for Lewis’ ears to catch and it elicits a chuckle from the other’s lips.

“Still not a fan of these events, are you?”

Before he can answer, they hear a voice behind them shouting their names. When they turn around, Nico and his girlfriend Vivian are striding up towards them, a matching smile on their faces. Sebastian looks at Lewis from the corner of his eyes, sees how the smile on the Brit’s face widens, sees how his eyes shine differently than before, how his posture suddenly seems even more relaxed and calm.

Sebastian feels a pang in his chest that he can’t quite identify; all he knows is that that’s the look Lewis should give Nicole every time he smiles at her. But he doesn’t and instead it’s the look he specially keeps for Nico.

They exchange hugs, blending out the paparazzi requesting them to turn towards the cameras. Quickly diving into small talk about the gala, Sebastian holds himself back from the conversation, his hands tucked into his pockets, taking in the beautiful facade of the hotel in front of them.

During the last years, he’s spent more hours than he can count with Lewis and Nico, the three of them getting along quite well. He’s never really felt completely at ease though, it was always NicoandLewis, the two of them most of the time inseparable, and him somewhere on the outskirts. As far as Seb knows, Lewis has never told Nico that he is in love with him. The longing looks, the search for that little bit of physical contact, and the broken heart have been only for Sebastian to observe.

He doesn’t know how Lewis bears looking at Nico with Vivian by his side, how he spends endless nights with the couple at their home, talking, cooking dinner together and playing board games. His best guess is that Lewis has decided long ago that the closeness and the friendship with Nico is worth more than his aching heart.

“So Seb, what have you been up to since the season ended?”

A soft voice breaks him out of his thoughts, and he finds Vivian looking at him with a smile. The blonde woman has turned more towards the Red Bull driver, leaving Nico and Lewis in their own little world of laughter and animated hand gestures. Seb wonders if Vivi knows about Lewis’ feelings for her boyfriend, if she notices the same longing looks and warm smiles like Sebastian does.

“Nothing special. I’ve mainly been at home with Hanna, enjoying the time away from F1.”

“How is Hanna doing? I’ve been wanting to catch up with her, but I always forget.”

Hanna and Vivian have become fast friends due to their husbands often being together on the race weekends during the times where they haven’t had to be with their teams. In the first few years, the five of them have often gone out together after the races; hitting up a nice restaurant or a good bar in the city, trying to see at least some parts of the places they’ve travelled to.

“She’s doing well. I’m sure she’d love to hear from you.” Seb sends her a smile and Vivian tells him she will try to make it happen, hoping the five of them would find some time during the next season to hang out together again.

Sebastian is saved from more small talk when Lewis and Nico finally end their conversation and propose to go inside to find their tables as the gala is about to start. When they’re asking for their seats, Lewis and Seb are directed to the same table whilst Vivian and Nico are seated at a different one. They say their goodbyes and split up as soon as they enter the room.

“Well, they certainly try to outdo themselves year after year.” Lewis says, looking around the room in awe and Seb can only nod whilst he’s trying his best to not walk into anyone else as the room is quite packed. The two of them quickly find their table and greet the other ones sitting at it, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries.

Before the waiter comes over to their table to note their drink requests, Lewis leans over to Seb to whisper something into his ear.

“I know you hate these events and I’d much rather not be here as well, seeing as I don’t really know why I am in the first place. I’m not getting any prizes tonight. But we could try to make it a bit more… fun.”

Sebastian has to hide a laugh upon seeing Lewis’ smirk. When his friend looks like that there’s most certainly a bad idea behind it.

“What do you propose?” Seb whispers back, his body leaning into Lewis’.

“How about a drinking game?”

Seb raises an eyebrow, shooting Lewis a disbelieving look.

“You really think it’s a good idea to get drunk during the prize giving when I’ll probably be the last one who has to walk up those stairs tonight?”

Not to mention that the last time the two of them have been drunk together was seven years ago and they ended up in the same bed that night, clothes on the ground and hot, sweating bodies pressed against each other. He’s been trying to avoid repeating that scenario over the last few years.

Seb has to blink a few times to get that image out of his mind and averts his gaze to the ground, hoping Lewis won’t notice the light pink colour that has stained his cheeks.

“Oh, come on, pretty please? You don’t want me to sit here all night, thinking about how shitty my season was while people are getting prizes for doing amazing the past year, without having any kind of fun, do you?”

When Sebastian looks at Lewis again, he is sporting his best puppy look, his lips pressed together in a pout. The German sighs and turns his face to the ceiling; Lewis has already won that argument.

“Okay, what do you propose?”

Lewis is grinning victoriously by the time Seb looks back at him and he leans closer to him once more. Biting down on his lower lip, he is seemingly lost in thoughts for a moment, before his eyes light up.

This definitely can’t be good, Seb thinks, but he can’t stop his lips from twitching up at the glee on Lewis’ face.

“I’ve got it. Every time, one of the winners thanks their team in the celebratory speech, we take one sip, and every time they thank their families, we take two. Oh, and if they thank their teammate, we order a shot.”

“Okay, you do want me to do some weird shit in front of everyone else on that stage, don’t you? Is your plan to get me dropped by Red Bull, so you can win the championship next year?”

Lewis is too slow to cover his mouth before the loud snort slips out through his lips, and their whole table turns towards them, staring at the two drivers in confusion. Sebastian tries his best to hide his grin, rubbing his hand over his neck, playing embarrassed. When the others have finally stopped looking at them, Lewis shoots Seb a questioning look, and Seb just sighs, nodding towards his friend.

He will definitely regret agreeing to this.

It doesn’t start out too bad. The first few winners either thank their teams or their families, which is okay, concerning Seb has ordered a beer and there are still a few sips left to take from his first one.

Then there’s Alonso, who, after receiving his trophy, decides to thank all three of them: the team, his family and, surprisingly, his teammate.

From then on, the winners seem to have an insight on Lewis’ and Seb’s game and apparently want to get Seb drunk as well, as they don’t stop thanking at least two of the three triggers they have agreed on. Usually, Sebastian would be immensely embarrassed by the glasses that are piling up in front of him and Lewis, but he already has so much alcohol running through his veins that he simply doesn’t care.

Lewis has recently started to giggle at every word the presenters are saying, as, according to him, the male presenter sounds like Kermit and the female presenter sounds like Miss Piggy. Once he’s whispered that into Seb’s ears - well, tried to whisper; it hasn’t worked out too well seeing as everyone at their table has shot them an irritated look - Seb hasn’t been able to ignore it. Now every time one of the two presenters opens their mouths, Seb and Lewis shoot each other a look, both already having their fingers wrapped around their chairs in order to be able to put their energy into something else to hold them back from laughing out loud.

Lewis is trying to dry the small tears that have welled up in his eyes due to him concentrating very hard to suppress his laughter without anyone noticing, when the presenters finally call out Seb’s name. Sebastian’s hands grip around the back of his chair, stabilizing himself, when he stands up, shooting Lewis a dirty look when he cackles about Sebastian’s weary balance. Trying his best not to stumble over his own feet when he walks up to the stage, Seb has to suppress a relieved sigh when he’s finally standing in front of the crowd.

He accepts the trophy with a bright smile, Christian Horner at his side, and feels the endorphins running through his body when he turns towards the applauding attendants. He needs a few seconds before he can start talking, his tongue twisted in his mouth and his brain momentarily swept empty; he wishes it would be just because of the pride and happiness he feels about his third world championship and not due to the alcohol he’s consumed.

His eyes find Lewis’ in the crowd and suddenly there’s a warmth spreading throughout his body, when all he recognizes in those brown eyes is pride and genuine happiness. He sends him a smile, before a thought crosses his mind and Seb asks the presenter for the microphone.

“Thank you, thank you.” He pauses, taking a look at the shining trophy in his hand, still taking in the applause. “Please don’t exert yourselves, I’d be sad if you didn’t have the energy left to clap for me next year, when I’ll be standing on this stage again.” A grin rises up on his lips, when he teases the anticipated laughter out of the crowd.

“As I’ve said plenty of times before, the season wasn’t as easy for us as the one before. We’ve had a hard fight with Ferrari and Lotus and having the title decided in the last race was a pressure I would’ve been happy to go without. But with the absolutely amazing help of everyone at Red Bull, we’ve managed to secure the third championship in a row.”

Seb is searching for Lewis’ eyes again, a glee in his eyes and a smirk on his face, that lets Lewis know exactly what’s going to happen next.

“Which is why I owe an immense thanks to my wonderful team. I know I’m not an easy person to work with, but somehow, we always end up on the right track again. I also want to thank my family for always having my back and being supportive whatever happens.”

He pauses again, nearly starting to laugh at the scathing look Lewis sends him, already having to take three sips of his latest drink - a Gin & Tonic. Seb knows that Lewis is debating whether or not Sebastian will actually go in for the kill and thank his teammate. Knowing about how bad the relationship is between Seb and Mark, Seb would usually never go as far as to use the words ’thanks’ and ‘Mark Webber’ in the same sentence.

But he is too far gone and enjoys the little revenge he gets on Lewis to actually care about it.

“I also want to thank Mark for being a teammate who always pushes me to work the hardest and drive the best that I can.”

This earns him a few shocked looks and reserved applause but, most importantly of all, a middle finger from Lewis hidden underneath the table so only Seb can see it. Sebastian gives the microphone back to the presenter who doesn’t really know what to say and thus quickly steps out of the way, letting Sebastian and Christian pose for some pictures.

When the blonde is paving his way back to his seat, he sees that Lewis has already ordered his “thanking-the-teammate-shot” which one of the waiters is placing in front of him right when Sebastian is back at their table.

“You’re a little shit, you know that?”

Lewis doesn’t look too happy, but Seb just shrugs his shoulders, grinning openly at the older one.

“You wanted to play the game, I just went with it.”

The McLaren driver shoots him another one of his dirty looks - they’ve certainly been piling up tonight like the empty glasses of alcoholic drinks on their table - before downing the shot without pulling a face. Just in that moment, Seb feels a hand on his shoulder, and he turns around. Nico and Kimi are standing behind them, the latter stifling a grin when he sees the empty glasses in front of his fellow drivers.

Nico, however, raises his eyebrow, looking at Lewis, then at the empty glasses, at Seb, back at the glasses and back at Lewis.

“Did I miss something?” he asks, a disapproving sound in his voice that doesn’t sit well with Sebastian. Lewis just grins up at his best friend, his eyes already having a certain gloss in them that comes from the alcohol and shakes his head.

“Nope, I just wanted to make this evening a bit more pleasant.”

This earns a grunt from Kimi which sounds suspiciously a lot like a laugh. Nico sighs, his eyebrow arching up even higher and Seb ponders for a short moment if Lewis and him could annoy Nico so much, that the eyebrow would disappear completely underneath the blonde strands of hair.

“We’ve actually just wanted to see if the two of you were heading to the afterparty as well,” Nico says, his eyebrow slowly regaining their natural position, much to Seb’s dismay. “But seeing as you’ve definitely had enough alcohol for one night, maybe it would be better if the two of you just headed back towards the hotel.”

Lewis rolls his eyes and stands up but has to steady himself with one hand on Seb’s shoulder which seems to prove Nico’s point. Giggling, Lewis boxes lightly against Nico’s chest.

“You’re way too uptight, man. We just wanted to have some fun. And of course, we’re going to the afterparty, right Seb?”

Without giving Sebastian the time to answer, Lewis starts walking towards the exit, pulling a surprised Kimi with him, his arm around the older man’s shoulders. Sebastian can’t help but laugh; nearly drunk Lewis is even giddier and happier than sober Lewis. When his gaze focuses on Nico again, he realizes that he doesn’t look too amused, and for a second Seb considers asking the Mercedes driver what the hell his problem is, but he decides against it, not really interested in having his mood spoiled.

Luckily, Vivian saves him from talking to Nico as she’s heading towards them, her jacket already thrown over her shoulders. The couple quickly heads out after Seb tells them to go ahead. He just wants to give his prize to Christian first, who’s booked a safe in the hotel to store the trophies until tomorrow, so they won’t run the risk of losing or breaking them.

After that he takes a car with Christian and his wife to the location where the afterparty is being held. Seb is trying his hardest not to let the amount of alcohol he’s already consumed that night shine through, which ends up in him being mostly quiet during the ride, listening to Christian and Beverly’s conversation.

The three of them split up as soon as they arrive at the club, Christian and Beverly heading towards a high table that overlooks the crowd whilst Sebastian is searching for Lewis, Nico, Vivian and Kimi. He doesn’t have to look long, Lewis’ laughter travels through the whole room even though the DJ has already turned the music up to a max.

Chapter Text

Seb is squeezing through the crowd and already regrets not handing his jacket in at the checkroom; the air is hot and humid and the alcohol that’s coursing through his veins just adds to the heat that is spreading through his whole body. When he arrives where the others are standing in a half-circle, Lewis spots him first.

“Sebbyyyyy.”

He’s got a Lewis Hamilton hanging around his neck faster than his brain can process it.

Sebastian looks at the others, not really knowing what’s happened in that short time he hasn’t been with them, whilst patting Lewis’ back. Shooting Kimi a quizzical look, the man raises his arms in a defensive way, a half empty beer in his hands.

“He wanted to drink and I’m not his babysitter.”

“Hell yeah, I want to drink and you’re gonna drink with me,” Lewis says, pushing himself away from Seb again, only to walk towards the bar. He ignores Nico’s “maybe you should just stop” and Seb really wishes he would’ve asked what Nico’s problem is before. Even Vivian eyes her boyfriend questioningly.

Lewis comes back with five shot glasses in his hands and Seb is amazed he hasn’t stumbled over his own feet or ran into someone else on his way over to them. Handing everyone their small glasses, he raises his own into the air.

“Let’s toast to a better season next year!”

Seb can’t stop himself from muttering an “even better” into the glass before drinking it, getting boxed against his shoulder by Lewis next to him, and he snorts into his empty glass.

From that moment on, Kimi and Lewis take turns in getting new alcohol as soon as they’ve run out of it and even Nico relaxes after some time, his laughter getting louder and more sincere. The music is not really what Seb would describe as music, but it gets better the further the night goes on.

At some point, the whole room is dancing the Macarena, jackets piling up on tables, sweating bodies stumbling into each other, screaming apologies filled with laughter through the noise. The thumping bass of the music makes it impossible to have an actual conversation with anyone, which is probably why nearly everyone is drunk at this point.

Sebastian tries to manage his drinks for as long as he can; it’s a tightrope act to not take too long for Lewis to get mad at him for being too sober as well as trying to go as long as possible in order to not succumb to the alcohol and reading about the things he did inebriated in the newspapers tomorrow.

He’s also trying to look after an absolutely smashed Lewis, who is taking turns in loudly singing offkey, hanging on to Nico (when he nearly started grinding against the blonde, Seb quickly pulled him away which ended in Lewis trying to grind against him instead of solving the problem - at least Kimi seemed to have a good time watching that) and pouting whenever Nico and Vivian even just came as close to holding hands.

Luckily all of them are way past being sober, so no one really questions Lewis’ mood swings or the glances he throws at Nico. At some point, when Vivian has her arms thrown around her boyfriend’s neck and Nico’s hands are wandering dangerously low down her back, Lewis portrays his feelings very openly on his face.

He’s stopped moving but is still swaying back and forth a little, which is more because of the ethanol in his veins however, than the desire to dance to the music. Lewis’ eyes are hooded, and his mouth is slightly open as if he wants to say something, but his voice is stuck in his throat.

A weird feeling strikes Sebastian, starting in his heart and grabbing onto the blood pumping through it, spreading through his whole body. It makes him feel hot and cold at the same time, a strange sensation that gets even worse when Lewis keeps looking at Nico like that.

Sebastian is quick to grab Lewis by his wrist, pulling the other man along with him.

“Come on, we’re going.”

The McLaren driver tries to resist, but he’s either too drunk or too tired and mixed up in his own feelings, that his resolve is too weak to actually work. Seb takes their jackets - he definitely is proud that he hasn’t forgotten about them on the next day - and quickly says goodbye to Kimi, who doesn’t really seem to care, too content with the drink in his hand and the music that runs through his body.

When the two of them step out of the door, Seb heads for the alleyway around the club, hoping to not attract anyone who might be interested in taking pictures of two drunk Formula 1 drivers. He wants to give Lewis some time to calm down and make sure he’s alright, before he’ll call a cab to take them to their hotels.

The night is so cold that his breath creates small white clouds which dissipate as soon as they leave his mouth. He shivers, the jacket he’s wearing is way too thin to be appropriate for a December night, and the sweat that’s drying on his skin makes the wind feel like ice water being poured down his back.

There are just a few dumpsters standing in the street, other than that, the alleyway is empty. The nearest streetlamp gives Sebastian enough light to see the man next to him, but it’s nearly impossible for anyone walking past the street to recognize them. Lewis leans against the brick wall, his head falling back, his eyes closed.

“Why doesn’t he like me?”

He nearly misses the words Lewis mumbles. Sebastian sighs, rubbing his hand over his eyes; he’s definitely way too drunk to have this conversation right now or like, ever. If he is being honest, Seb doesn’t really understand what Lewis sees in Nico anyways.

Yes, he can’t help to admit that there are worse looking men than Nico and he does see the qualities the other German has as a friend, after all, he likes to hang out with him from time to time as well. But to be more than that?

It’s hard for him to picture Lewis and Nico together, as in LewisandNico. The two of them holding hands or kissing each other is a concept that Seb tries to erase as soon as it comes up in his mind. There’s just something… off about it. Something that doesn’t feel right, and it makes his stomach churn because he knows it would turn Lewis into the happiest man alive. But he can’t help that something in his body from fighting against the mere idea of it.

He steps next to his friend, his back against the wall and their shoulders touching. Seb tries to think about what to say when Lewis turns towards him.

“You know what? Nevermind, he’s stupid and I don’t need him,” Lewis slurs, letting out a low chuckle. If Sebastian has hoped that the cold air would help him to sober up a bit, he has to admit that 5°C is apparently not cold enough to achieve that.

Before Seb can answer, Lewis has suddenly stepped right in front of him, their chests touching, their faces mere centimetres apart. He can feel the words Lewis utters against his skin, feels the cold air biting into his chapped lips.

“If he doesn’t want me, I’ll just move on to someone who does.”

Seb’s breath is speeding up and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, doesn’t know if Lewis will stumble and possibly fall even if he just carefully pushes him away. This feels wrong, all of it, but he can’t stop himself from licking over his lips when Lewis lowers his gaze, his eyes getting locked on Seb’s mouth.

“Lewis, what are you doing?”

His voice is breathless and his fingers curl around the cold bricks of the wall behind his back in an attempt to ground himself. This shouldn’t be happening right now, this can’t happen again, what if someone sees us.

Lewis presses against him, his hands placed right next to Seb’s face, and Sebastian still doesn’t know what is happening, doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t-

Does know that his body is fighting against his mind right now, that his skin is yearning for the warmth radiating off Lewis’ body, feels his lips tingling in anticipation of being touched by a pair of others. Seb bites down hard on them, completely at the mercy of his emotions whilst being too slow to process anything of it.

He’s had seven years’ worth of time to figure out what has happened that one time between Lewis and him, and he has come to the conclusion that he might not be as straight as he’s always thought. But during those seven years he’s never been with another man, has never felt the need to try it. Yet, Lewis seems to hold some kind of spell over his body; it somehow always bends to his will whenever the older one needs it to, and Sebastian doesn’t understand why.

“I know you’re probably sad and angry right now and like, really drunk on top of that. But this-” Seb raises his right hand enough so Lewis can see when he gestures between them, having to restrain himself from just putting it on Lewis’ hip to pull him even closer, “this doesn’t make sense right now.”

“It does make sense to me.” Lewis finally raises his gaze again, his eyes finding Seb’s, a defiant look in them.

And Jesus, does it make sense to Sebastian as well when he stares into those brown eyes, which look nearly black in the low light of the night. His breath hitches in his throat and it’s getting harder and harder to not surge forward, to not bridge the distance between their lips.

The skin on his neck is tingling and Seb wishes he could blame it on the cold wind that’s dancing through the alleyway, bringing the tiniest snowflakes with it, but he knows it would be the biggest lie he’s ever told.

“You know that bowtie is an extremely good look on you.”

A low chuckle escapes Seb’s lips and hits against Lewis’. His hands have somehow found their way on the other’s hips and he digs his fingers into the black fabric of the jacket Lewis is wearing. He feels lightheaded, like he’s drunk on what-ifs and do-nots. Seb feels his heart racing, feels his breath coming out too short, feels the adrenaline running through his body.

“Just wanted to be different from all of you with those boring ties.”

This time it’s Lewis who chuckles, his eyes still locked with Seb’s, making the smaller one squirm beneath him. Lewis licks over his dry lips, feels Sebastian’s gaze following his tongue and his arms nearly give in, he can just barely stop himself from crashing into the blonde in front of him.

It takes them a split second to make a decision that they wouldn’t have made sober.

Lewis’ lips are cold from the air and for the first short moment they feel stiff and alien against Sebastian’s. But when they melt around Seb’s lips he can’t stop wondering how they’ve waited so long to do this again.

It’s not sweet, it’s not romantic, it’s not perfect - it’s hot and wet and they keep missing each other’s lips because their minds are not only drunk on alcohol but on adrenaline, drunk on one another.
Sebastian whimpers when he feels Lewis’ tongue against his lips, and he pulls the other one closer towards him. He needs Lewis’ weight against his body to make sure he’s not drunkenly dreaming up some scenario in his head.

“God Seb…”

Lewis runs his hand through the blonde hair, tugs lightly on some strands, heat rushing through his body when he hears the sounds he elicits from Seb. He bites down on Sebastian’s lower lip, runs his tongue over it in an apologetic way. A spark explodes in his stomach when Seb’s tongue is suddenly fighting against his, sending warmth through his whole body.

They’re both panting heavily into each other’s mouths, Sebastian digging his fingers into Lewis’ back whilst the latter has his hands buried in soft hair. Their pants are getting tighter and Seb’s forgotten where he is because his fingers open Lewis’ jeans, sliding them down at the same time he’s getting on his knees.

Lewis’ eyes widen, before he squeezes them shut and throws his head back, not knowing how to deal with the sensation of Sebastian’s wet and warm mouth around his dick. His arms are pressed against the wall, threatening to buckle underneath his weight and the pleasure that runs through his bones gathering straight in his groin. He’s moaning Seb’s name and lets his head fall forward against the wall.

If Sebastian would've been asked if he knew what he was doing in that moment, he would've had to negate it. He doesn't know what came over him in that instance and why he would even think about giving Lewis a blowjob, something he has never done before in his life. On top of that, the two men are in a public space where people could walk by any second, but that doesn’t even cross his mind.

The only thing Seb can think of is how Lewis tastes different than anything he's ever experienced and how he never wants Lewis to stop making those sweet sounds.
Lewis is too drunk to actively try to hold his climax off, but he tries to warn Sebastian with a breathless whisper. Seb doesn't seem to care though, as he's not stopping his rhythm. On the contrary, he tries to hollow his cheeks even further, his tongue dancing around the soft skin, leaving Lewis a whimpering mess above him.

When Lewis comes, he has to bite hard into his arm to hold himself back from moaning Seb's name so loud that they'd run the risk of waking up people in the houses around them.

He needs a few seconds to come back to himself after that, just barely registers Sebastian pulling his trousers up again and turning him around, so that he can lean against the wall to stabilise himself. Lewis is panting hard, his eyes still squeezed closed, his legs trembling.

"Fuck," he breathes out, opening his eyes just a little to see Sebastian standing in front of him, whose head is tilted to one side, a tired but huge grin on his face. Lewis closes them again and rubs his hands over his face, laughing incredulously.

"I can't believe you just did that."

He feels the Seb stepping closer, his body leaning into Lewis', burying his face in his neck. Lewis’ fingers find their way to the nape of Seb's neck, mindlessly playing with the short hair.

"I can't believe I did that either," the younger one mumbles, his hands gripping onto Lewis' jacket. His head feels heavy, and his mind is clouded not only by alcohol but a sudden tiredness as well. There's nothing he wants more than his bed right now, even the heat in his stomach has turned down to a small dimming flame.

"Can I pay back the favour?" Lewis starts pressing feathery light kisses against Seb's neck and earns a sleepy sigh from the man who's still cuddled into his body.

"If the favour involves a big and comfy bed with a lot of pillows?"

Lewis chuckles, his mind a lot more sober after standing in the cold for the last twenty minutes, and if he's honest, the blowjob has played its part in sobering him up as well. He feels that Seb could definitely fall asleep right then and there, so he searches for his phone to finally call them a cab.

By the time the car arrives, Sebastian has managed to open his eyes again, but he still leans against Lewis who has an arm around his waist. The driver eyes them critically, not entirely sure if they're sober enough to not vomit into his car on their way back, but Lewis' smile seems to convince him to drive them to the hotel. He helps Sebastian into the car, smiling when the blonde lets his head fall onto his shoulders.

“You can sleep. I’ve got you.”

When Sebastian opens his eyes the next morning, he needs a few seconds to figure out where he is. His face is buried in some soft white cushions, and he can feel the blanket folding around his half naked body. The sunlight is too bright, and he has to close his eyes again, trying to remember how he got back from the club to his hotel room, but his mind is blank.

He takes another try in opening his eyes, blocking the sunlight out of his face with his hand and looks at the clock on the small table next to his bed. When he sees the time, he’s immediately sitting up right, bolting out of his bed.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

It’s currently half past eleven in the morning and he’s supposed to take a flight back home in an hour.

Sebastian’s mind is clouded from the rest of the alcohol that’s still running through his veins and his movements are a lot slower than usual, which is why it takes him much longer than anticipated to throw the rest of his stuff in his suitcase. Thankfully he didn't unpack much of it yesterday.

Seb slips into a pair of jeans, putting his phone and wallet into the back pockets, and pulls a hoodie over his head. He quickly dials the number of the reception, asking for a cab to get him to the airport as soon as possible.

Taking his suitcase, he puts on a cap to cover his hair and searches for his sunglasses in the hope to be able to hide the dark circles under his eyes as well as himself from any potential media at the airport.

When he finally sits in the cab, mentally cursing himself for not even taking a minute to brush his teeth - he hates that feeling and once he’s noticed he hasn’t done that, he can’t think of anything else but that - he pulls out his phone. He’s actually impressed by the battery performance; he would not have thought that it could live through a night without charging up.

Seb’s quickly going through his messages. Christian is asking him where he is but has fortunately taken his trophy along with him to the airport; Hanna wishes him a good morning and asks when he will arrive at the airport; and then there’s a message from Kimi and one from Lewis. Frowning, Seb opens Kimi’s message first, which contains a simple ‘Call me’.

Throwing a look at the driver of the cab, who’s currently talking to someone else on his phone, which Sebastian luckily cannot hear a lot of due to the plastic that’s separating the driver’s seat from the backseats, he dials Kimi’s number. Kimi takes a long time to answer and Seb is already about to stop the call, when he hears a grumbling “hmpf?” from the other line.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

Seb lays his head against the car window and shuts his eyes. He’s massaging his temples with his fingers and mentally goes through his suitcase to figure out whether he still has some painkillers with him, so he can take them at the airport to stop the incoming headache from getting worse.

“Nah.”

Kimi’s short answer makes Sebastian chuckle, and he sighs out loud.

“Why did you want me to call you?”

There’s a long silence and Seb’s wondering whether or not Kimi is still there, when he hears the other man clearing his throat, his voice coming out quiet and muffled.

“I didn’t know you and Lewis were a thing?”

The second Kimi says Lewis’ name the memories hit Sebastian and his eyes fly open, mouth parting in shock. His heart is beating so fast he thinks he’s about to hyperventilate while the scenes from last night replay in his mind.

They were drunk, there was an alley, they kissed… he gave Lewis a freaking blowjob.

Drunk. In an alleyway. A blowjob.

Sebastian’s mind is running miles, playing the pictures over and over and he can’t stop them, can’t stop seeing them.

“Seb, you still there? Are you okay?”

Kimi’s voice pulls him out of it, and he croaks out an “I’m okay” even though he clearly isn’t. He takes a deep breath, trying to figure out what to reply.

He wills his hands to stop shaking and digs his fingers into his thighs in an attempt to ground himself, to get himself back into the here and now.

“Why… Why would you think Lewis and I are a thing? Which we’re obviously not.”

He quickly adds the last sentence, keeping his voice down so the cab driver won’t be able to hear what he’s saying. The last thing he needs is for this to get out into the open. It would most certainly be a feast for the media and an utter catastrophe for him and the team.

“You sure? I went to look for you to see if you wanted to head back to the hotel as well, but you seemed… preoccupied.”

“I don’t know what you’ve seen, but I can assure you, there’s nothing going on between me and Lewis.”

Sebastian is biting down on the inside of his cheeks, hoping that Kimi will just accept it like this and never talk about it ever again. Then it hits him that Kimi might not have been alone when he went looking for Lewis and himself.

“Did… did anyone else see something?” Seb stumbles over the words, praying intensely that the answer is No, promising to never do anything stupid in his life ever again if the Lord just hears him out this once.

“No, and I didn’t see anything because as you said, there’s nothing going on between Lewis and you.”

Seb feels as if there’s a whole mountain being lifted off his chest and he doesn’t know how to express his appreciation for this.

“I- thank you, Kimi. Honestly.”

He just gets another “hmpf” out of the other man, who’s clearing his throat before following it up with a well-intentioned advice.

“Just - if the thing that doesn’t exist ever happens again, try not to do it somewhere where people can actually see the non-existent thing from possibly existing.”

Sebastian’s mind needs a few seconds to understand what Kimi is telling him with this.

“Yeah, yeah. I promise.”

They quickly say they’re goodbyes after that, wishing each other a relaxing winter break and a happy Christmas with their families. When he hangs up, Sebastian’s thumb hovers over Lewis’ text notification for a second, trying to decide whether he wants to know what the other one has written or not.

He decides against it and turns off his phone completely after telling Hanna that he will catch a cab from the airport, and she doesn’t have to come all the way to fetch him.

After that, he’s left alone with his thoughts and a guilt that is threatening to overwhelm him. Tears are welling up in his eyes and he has to swallow hard to keep them from coming to the surface, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

Should he tell Hanna about this? He’s got no clue how she would react; probably throw him out of the house, but then again, that would be the only thing to make sense. He’d probably do the same.

But he can’t lose her, he can’t lose what they’ve started to build with each other, can’t lose the relationship and the sheer closeness that allows them to know exactly what the other person thinks without uttering a single word.

Seb suppresses a sob that’s been rising up in his throat and he presses his head against the headrest.

How could he be so stupid - again? Lewis and he have been at that point before and he’s promised, even made a vow to himself, that this would never happen again. And yet it has.

He knows that it doesn’t mean anything for either of them. Lewis was just too caught up in his feelings for Nico, searching for a way to get all of the emotions he’s been bottling up for years out of his system. As for Seb himself - he’s not exactly sure why he did it. Out of pity for Lewis’ situation? Out of curiosity? Because the alcohol did things to his body he had no control over?

He has to tell Hanna. Their relationship is based on trust and honesty; the only two things that help them to get through the world of F1, to live in a world where Sebastian is constantly being targeted by the media, where tabloids make up stories about him every day anew.

When he steps out of the cab at the Istanbul airport, he’s made the decision to tell Hanna, whatever the consequences. But she deserves the truth, and she deserves to hear it from him.

The house smells of fresh ground coffee, lilies (Hanna’s favourite flowers) and of the sea-salt candle he brought back home for her the last time he was at the Red Bull factory in Austria. He wandered around the grounds during his time off, and there was this sweet little candle shop down the road. The elderly couple, family Wegler, have been making their own candles for 35 years already.

Frau Wegler has asked him all about his relationship with Hanna, wanting to know his girlfriend’s favourite comfort food as well as her favourite place in the world, before handing him the sea-salt candle, arguing it would be perfect for her. Hanna instantly fell in love with the smell, which is why Seb already knows he will have to stop by the shop to get new candles the next time he’s at the factory.

Sebastian closes the door softly behind him, trying to be as quiet as he possibly can. He slips out of his shoes and jacket, hanging it up in the wardrobe, and walks through the hallway. The soft carpet muffles his steps and Hanna doesn’t seem to have heard him yet.

When he reaches the living room, he finds her sitting on the ground, Christmas cards laying in a half circle around her. Sebastian leans against the doorframe, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his head leaning against the wood.

Hanna is so absorbed in her work that she still hasn’t noticed him, and he takes it as an advantage to just look at her.

Her light blonde hair is falling into her eyes, and she brushes it back every few seconds because it’s too soft to stay tucked behind her ears. She has a pen in her hand with which she mindlessly draws circles on the list in front of her, which is probably filled with all the names of the people they’re - well, she’s - sending Christmas cards to this year.

Hanna’s body is covered by her favourite light pink blanket which has already some small holes due to being used so much, but she’s forbidden Seb to buy a new one. She looks tiny sitting on the ground like that and suddenly there’s a weight back on Sebastian’s chest, pressing down on his heart, making it hard to breathe.

He can’t do this to her, he can’t tell her the truth, can’t look into her eyes while breaking her heart into pieces. Taking a quiet step back, Seb’s in the hallway again, searching for his phone in the depths of the jacket he’s worn before.

He’s too much of a coward to face the consequences for his behaviour, too afraid to lose the beautiful woman who is currently sitting in their living room, writing cards to their friends and families in both their names.

When he finally fishes the phone out of the jacket pocket with trembling fingers, he opens the chat with Lewis. Seb doesn’t even read what Lewis has texted him, and he’s just typing out a message and hitting send without reading over it.

Chapter Text

It’s been some time since Lewis and Sebastian have actually hung out with the sole intention of just hanging out, so Seb is a bit confused when he opens his hotel room door to find Lewis standing in front of it.

“Oh, hey. Did I forget something was on? Do we have a press conference?”

Seb’s voice carries an uncertain tone to it, but Lewis just shakes his head. He looks as if he’s nervous; his hands can’t stop fumbling with the seam of the white team-shirt he’s wearing, and he hasn’t stopped shifting from one foot to the other.

“No, I just… I was wondering if I could talk to you for a second?”

“Sure, come in.”

Seb steps back, holding the door open so Lewis can come inside, then closes it after him. His hand remains on the handle for a bit, and he takes a deep breath, trying to calm down the heartbeat that’s been taking up speed as he’s opened the door to find Lewis standing in front of it.

By the time Sebastian is back in the room, Lewis has already made his way to the couch and sat down in one corner, grabbing the closest pillow, hugging it to his chest. He always does this when he’s nervous. Sebastian lingers in front of the couch for a second, before sitting down at the other end.

Ever since that Istanbul Gala a bit over a year ago, their relationship has changed. They haven’t seen each other as much as before and their lives have begun to drift apart. They were still talking in the paddock as well as having phone calls to update the other one on their life from time to time, but the closeness has somehow gotten lost over the previous year.

Minutes of silence have started to creep into their conversations, as well as a lot of awkward small talk that makes Seb’s stomach churn, a nauseous feeling spreading through his body. More times than he can count has he actively avoided picking up the phone when Lewis called. Sometimes, Seb lies awake at night, stares at the ceiling and ponders about how their friendship might be like if he hadn’t taken a step back after that one night. He never would have thought that it could hit him that hard to not have Lewis next to him every step of the way.

“Sooo… What’s going on?”

Seb decides to break the awkward silence lingering between the two drivers. Lewis seems to appreciate it, sending the German a small smile. He hasn’t stopped playing with the seams of the pillow, but he clears his throat, his gaze fixed on the loose strand he’s twirling around between his thumb and index-finger.

“Nico asked me out a few weeks ago.”

This is definitely not what Seb has expected.

“Uhm, like a date?”

The smile on Lewis’s face shines brighter now and he raises his head, a twinkle in his eyes. He looks happy, properly happy.

“Yeah, a date. We’ve been going on a few of them, secretly of course. And he asked me to be his boyfriend.”

Sebastian has to avert his gaze to the ground; he can’t look into Lewis’ face, doesn’t want to show how taken aback he feels because he can’t quite understand the reason for that himself. Probably, because he’s thought Lewis would tell him sooner if something like that happened. After all, he’s been there for all of the ups and downs in Lewis and Nico’s relationship during the last years. Been there for all the times his friend was crying about Nico, always the one Lewis could hold on to.

But then again, it was his fault that they haven’t seen each other as much during the last year. He wanted to take that step back, he stopped speaking to Lewis on a daily basis. He stopped taking the calls.
So, Sebastian takes all the negative feelings and locks them into the farthest corner of his mind, throwing the key as far away as possible.

Looking up again, he has a huge smile on his lips and when blue eyes meet brown ones, Lewis’ nervousness vanishes from his features.

“I’m so happy for you guys, Lew. Honestly. I know how long you’ve been waiting for this to happen, and you deserve it so much. You deserve all of the love he’s giving you.”

Lewis smiles even brighter and Seb can’t stop himself from returning it. If Lewis is happy that’s all that counts and he’s sincerely hoping that Nico won’t screw this up. Lewis deserves to be loved.

“Thank you, Seb. It means a lot coming from you.”

Lewis straightens his leg and nudges his foot against Seb’s, tilting his head lightly to the side, an honest expression in his eyes.

“I’ve missed you.”

This time, Sebastian doesn’t avert his gaze but keeps it locked with the older ones, his emotions bared open on his face.

“Me too. Let’s not do this again?”

Lewis laughs and before Seb knows it, he’s buried underneath the other man who hugs his arms tight around Seb. He lets out a surprised chuckle before he wraps his arms around Lewis’ neck, hugging him close.

“You’re an idiot, Seb.”

Sebastian is still thriving on the high of the Singapore Grand Prix when Hanna and he walk through the corridor of the hotel, their hands intertwined, Sebastian swinging them back and forth. Hanna can’t stop laughing at the giddy and happy state her husband is in, loves how he finally seems to have his spirit back.

The 2014 season is hard; not only for her husband but for everyone else watching, cheering him up, waiting for the wins as much as he does. The second-place tonight is definitely something though; not as good as a win, but then again, Lewis has just driven incredibly well.

It’s already quite late, but they have a flight tomorrow at noon and their daughter is with her grandparents at home which is why they agreed to have one or two glasses of wine in Lewis’ room. Lewis, Nico, Seb and Hanna haven’t had a lot of time to catch up during the season as the Mercedes and Red Bull schedules always got in their way and Hanna usually stayed back home with Emilie.

When Seb knocks on the door, Lewis opens, a tight smile on his lips that he tries to hide as best as he can when he sees Sebastian and Hanna in front of the door. Seb raises his eyebrow, silently asking Lewis if something has happened, while his friend hugs Hanna. Lewis just shakes his head lightly, but Seb can feel that something’s wrong. As Hanna moves further into the room to greet Nico, Seb grabs Lewis by the wrist, stopping him from turning around.

“Hey, everything okay?” Seb asks in a low voice, his gaze fixed on Lewis’ face. The brunette seems tired, more than usual after a race; he looks lost in his big hoodie and sweatpants, his eyes are small and there’s even some redness to it. It looks a lot as if Lewis has been crying.

“Have you guys been fighting again?”

Lewis just sighs, rubbing his palm over his face and tries to dodge Seb’s inert gaze.

“Nico was just angry that I invited you two over. He wanted to go to bed soon, understandably after that race. He’s in a bit of a mood, because he feels like the team didn’t do enough to prevent the DNF.”

Sebastian has to bite back a comment that’s right on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t want to make it even harder for Lewis as it already is. Lewis’ dream of Nico finally realizing he’s had feelings for him as well and them getting together has been short-lived. Either due to the constant need of hiding, the fact that they’re fighting against each other on the track every other week or that Nico still hasn’t divorced Vivian; their relationship has had to go through some hardships, and they’ve already broken up twice in the year they’ve nearly been together now. It’s been a constant up and down instead of the consistency of a steady relationship that Lewis is longing for.

“Lew,“ Seb sighs, but he gets interrupted by Nico, who’s calling for them from the balcony with an impatient tone to his voice. Sebastian rolls his eyes, giving Lewis a pointed look, but it softens when he sees Lewis’ pleading eyes. He squeezes the brunette’s shoulder shortly and nods his head towards the balcony where Nico and Hanna have already opened a bottle of wine.

“I promise I won’t say anything sarcastic.”

Lewis shoots him a thankful look and the two of them quickly join their partners outside. The air is still warm when they step out of the door and Seb sits down next to Hanna, his right hand finding its way to her thigh. She gives him a small smile, one hand wrapped around the wine glass. She’s got a light red stain on her lips already and the wind blows softly through her blonde hair. She looks beautiful.

Hanna and Nico have been talking about Emilie before Lewis and Seb joined them, and Sebastian can’t keep the smile off his face when his wife shares another story about their daughter. Emilie doesn’t yet recognize her father on TV, she’s still way too young for that, but apparently the craziness of race weekends always gets to her as well.

She never sleeps during the races, no matter how tired she is, and if anyone even tries to put her somewhere where she can’t hear the noises of the cars coming out of the TV, she’ll start to scream and cry.

“I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Hanna laughs at Nico’s comment, but Seb is just annoyed, knowing exactly that it was meant as a sarcastic stab. Somehow their relationship has turned bitter once Lewis and Nico started dating; Nico is constantly throwing snarky comments at Sebastian, leaving the two of them bickering, until Lewis steps in and puts an end to it. But today, mainly for Lewis’ and Hanna’s sake, Seb just forces a laugh as well, not in the mood to have a fight with the other man.

“Yeah, Basti’s mum always tells me that he was a loud and cranky baby as well.”

That even gets a chuckle out of Lewis, which is why Seb doesn’t comment on it, just hits Hanna’s shoulder lightly. She turns towards him, a smile on her lips and she looks more relaxed than during the last months. Sebastian can’t help but return the smile.

“You’re lucky I love you.”

Hanna just grins and takes his hand in hers, placing them on her thigh again, fingers intertwined. When she looks back at the other two, who are sitting on the other side of the table, her face turns sympathetic.

“So, how are you two doing? It must be hard with the media constantly being around you.”

Hanna and Sebastian don’t really speak about Lewis and Nico that often; mainly, because when Seb is home, he spends as much time with Emilie and Hanna as a family as possible. She asks about them sometimes, when she sees another picture of Nico and Vivian in the media.

Sebastian doesn’t quite understand why Vivi hasn’t divorced Nico yet and somehow goes along with her (ex)husband being in a relationship not only with another man, but Lewis out of all people. She must be quite convinced to know that he will come back to her one day; she’s still coming along to big events to be the woman by his side.

Lewis has told Seb once, that Nico is paranoid anyone might find out he’s not “normal” (Nico always puts that word into quotation marks to show he doesn’t mean it in a serious way when he talks about not being straight; Seb thinks he’s definitely serious though and that Nico has actually a big problem with being bisexual). That’s one of the reasons the two of them are using their energy more on not being discovered by anyone, rather than putting it in their relationship to work things out.

Lewis sighs, a sad smile on his lips and he lowers his head.

“Yeah, it’s hard. I mean, some people at Mercedes know about us, like Toto or Bono, which makes it a bit easier. But they do want us to be seen with women from time to time. I think they’re still hoping
Nico will get back with Vivian and that I might change my mind and fall in love with one of the women they sometimes set me up with.”

“Which is kinda sad seeing as you came out to them after splitting up with Nicole last year,” Seb remarks, earning a weary chuckle from Lewis.

“I guess they would stop trying, if they knew that the only person sitting at this table with whom Lewis has never ended up in bed with, was Hanna.”

The silence that follows is deafening.

Seb isn’t sure if Nico even intended for them to hear his comment, but he knows that they all have, Hanna included.

Panic spreads through his body and an ice-cold feeling runs down his spine. He shoots a frightened look towards Lewis who mirrors it, his eyes widened in shock. Lewis knows that Seb has never told
Hanna about those two times where they got too close and he’s only told Nico because he wouldn’t stop bugging him about it, who was somehow set on the idea that Lewis and Seb must’ve had something going on at least once over the years they’ve known each other.

“Wait, what?” Hanna’s chuckle is carrying an uncertain tone and she looks towards her husband, a questioning look in her eyes. Seb feels his palms getting sweaty and his mind is running, trying to find a way to get out of the situation. He’s about to just dismiss it as a joke, he knows Hanna would go along with it, when Nico straightens up, a confused look painted on his features.

“Wait, Seb never told you? Shit, I’m sorry. I thought the two of you talked about it.”

Seb clenches the hand that’s not intertwined with Hanna’s into a fist, his anger momentarily overpowering his shock. He’s sure Nico is just playing confused right now, but he doesn’t get why, doesn’t understand what he’s done to the other one to have Nico seemingly hate him so much that he would go this far.

“Nico, stop it.”

Lewis’ voice is quiet but trembles with suppressed anger. Seb would shoot him a thankful look if his eyes weren’t still locked with Hanna’s. He knows that he’s lost any chance of dismissing this as a joke once she’s looked into his eyes; he can’t lie straight to her face again and his eyes seem to lay the truth bare because suddenly there are tears welling up in Hanna’s. She pulls her hand out of her husband’s as if she’s burned it.

“When did this happen?”

“Hanna…” Seb wants to calm her down and tries to put his hand on her shoulder, but she just jerks away from him, the chair scraping over the floor of the balcony with a horrible screeching sound.

“When Sebastian.”

Seb lowers his gaze, biting down hard on his lips and he has to take a deep breath before he’s able to answer her.

“After the Istanbul Gala in 2012.”

She’s up within a second, a mixture of fury and anger written all over her beautiful face and Sebastian has never felt this small and horrible in his life. There are tears running down her face and Seb wants to stand up and dry them, wants to tell her that he’s sorry and that he’ll never do something like this again, but he knows that it’s the last thing Hanna wants right now.

For a moment, she just stands there, looking at Sebastian, then at Lewis, her arms hanging by her sides, motionless. Seb is still sitting in his chair, searching for something to say but his mind is blank; nothing seems to be good enough right now. Even Nico doesn’t speak, for once.

A quiet sob escapes Hanna’s lips and she covers her mouth with her hand, the tears still staining her cheeks. She shoots Seb another look and he’s sure he will never forget the hurt and disbelief he sees in her eyes, sending a stab right through his heart. Seb gets up on his feet, but Hanna backs away, holding her hands in front of her as if she wants to protect herself.

“I don’t want to see you tonight and actually - I don’t want to see you at home either. Do you understand me?”

Her voice quivers and Hanna has to bite down hard on her lower lip to keep new tears from welling up in her eyes. Seb’s mouth goes dry and there’s a nauseous feeling bubbling up in the pit of his stomach, making its way up his throat, preventing him from saying anything at all.

“Hanna -”

As soon as Lewis starts speaking, Hanna turns towards him, her eyes sparkling with anger.

“I definitely don’t want to hear a single word from you. I can’t believe you could do this to me, both of you.”

And with one last gaze at Seb, Hanna turns on her heels, leaving the room as quickly as she can. For a long moment, Sebastian just stares at the point where Hanna has been sitting before, her cardigan still thrown over the back of the chair. His hands are shaking, and he crosses his arms in front of his chest, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of his arms, searching for something to hold on to. He tries to concentrate on his breathing, tries to figure out what exactly has just happened.

“Nico, what the fuck? You knew exactly that Hanna didn’t know about that. I told you not to say anything!”

“I’m sorry, I must have forgotten about it.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!”

“I wonder if there’s gonna be one time when you’re having my back instead of his.”

Sebastian is still staring at a spot straight ahead, doesn’t process what’s happening around him or doesn’t care - he’s not entirely sure. He feels as if he’s somehow there on the balcony in the Singaporean night but at the same time somewhere far away. Seb doesn’t notice Nico leaving, only hears Lewis’ small plea for him to stay that gets stuck in his throat.

Lewis lays his head in his neck, rubs his face with the cold palms of his hands and lets out a long sigh. For a moment the two men just stand there, the light breeze dancing around their ankles, both lost in their own thoughts. Then Lewis makes his way over to the blonde, carefully places one of his hands on Seb’s shoulder, squeezing it softly.

“Hey, you okay?” His voice nearly gets lost in the wind; it’s not enough to shake Sebastian out of his trance. Seb still seems trapped in his own thoughts and Lewis can see how his fingers dig into his arms, the nails probably leaving little crescents in the soft skin already.

The Mercedes driver steps in front of Seb, gently prying open his hands, and unfolds Sebastian’s arms until he can hold both of the other’s hands in his. He squeezes them and tries to catch Seb’s gaze, but Lewis can’t find access to his eyes; they’re glazed over and Seb stares at an unidentifiable point in the distance.

Lewis tries it one more time, carefully shakes his friend and finally manages to snap Sebastian out of whatever thought has held him hostage. Seb blinks a few times, his forehead crinkled, and his eyebrows drawn together. Lewis’ thumbs draw half circles over Sebastian’s skin, and he lightly tilts his head, shooting Seb a questioning look.

“Are you back?”

Sebastian just nods and pulls his hands out of Lewis’, looking at them for a long second as if to figure out what he should do with them.

“I need to talk to her.”

“Seb, I don’t think it’s a good idea -”

Sebastian finally looks into Lewis’ eyes, a defiant gaze in them.

“I have to, Lewis! I need to make this right, I should’ve told her the truth back then, but I didn’t and now Nico couldn’t shut that goddamn way too big mouth of his, and - why did you even tell him about us in the first place? It’s none of his freaking business!”

All of the hopelessness in his bones suddenly gets pushed away by red, hot anger. Seb balls his hands into fists, and he wishes he could let all of that out, preferably by hitting something until his energy is gone, until he feels nothing at all. Lewis is surprised by the sudden outburst that’s directed at him and he takes a tiny step backwards, his hands held up.

“Seb, look I’m sorry that Nico told Hanna, but you’re being unfair right now. I never intended for Nico to say anything. Please don't start a fight with me too, I’ve had enough of them tonight.”

As soon as Lewis speaks, his voice quivering slightly, Seb’s anger dissipates into thin air. He closes his eyes for a moment and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I was out of line.”

“It’s okay, I understand.”

Lewis is always understanding, is always the one to accept an apology no matter how half-heartedly it was meant; he’s a sucker for harmony and that’s probably the only reason he and Nico are still a thing.

“I still gotta talk to her, try at least.”

He can hear Lewis sigh, but he keeps silent, and doesn't say anything against his decision anymore. Instead, Lewis follows him through the hotel room and leans against the door frame, when Seb steps out into the hallway.

“If she doesn’t want to see you, you can always crash here on the sofa. I don’t think Nico will come back tonight, he’s probably gone to his own room.”

Sebastian just nods, a tiny but grateful smile on his lips. He takes a deep breath, then turns around and starts walking to his and Hanna’s room.

Once he stands in front of the door, he’s suddenly not sure if it is such a good idea anymore. He’s got no room key, because Hanna put the one they took with them into her phone case, leaving him with no option now but to knock. Seb’s hand is floating in mid-air for a second, before he lightly hits the wood with his knuckles. He hopes Hanna is still awake.

Seb can hear someone walking inside and he thinks that the sound gets louder, half anticipates the door to open any second, but then the steps fade, leaving nothing but silence in the long corridor. He exhales, unintentionally having held his breath, and the air leaves his mouth with a quiet sigh. Waiting a few seconds, he knocks again.

“Hanna, it’s me. Please open the door.”

“I told you to leave me alone.”

Her voice sounds closer than he thought it would; she must be standing right behind the door inside the room. Sebastian lowers his head, his forehead sinking against the cold wood that separates the two of them.

“Honey, please. I just want to explain. I’ll leave right after, if you want me to.”

“To go back to Lewis?”

He should’ve known that this was coming. Seb swallows hard, searching for something to reply that doesn’t just further fuel her line of thoughts, but he comes out empty handed. The truth it is, then.

“He offered to let me sleep on the couch in his room, yes.”

He hears a sarcastic laugh coming from the other side of the door and it hurts; it hurts because that’s not Hanna right now, it’s the anger, hurt and mistrust speaking - and he is the cause for it. Seb digs his nails into the soft flesh of his palms, his fists placed next to his head against the wood.

“Sure. The couch.”

“Hanna, please. I know I’m in no position to ask for this, but please let me just come inside and explain. Please.”

Sebastian is full on begging now and he would go on his knees in front of the door, if it meant that Hanna would just hear him out, give him a chance to explain. He’s almost lost all hope, when the door is suddenly opened, and he has to grab the door frame to not lose his balance.

Hanna has her arms crossed in front of her chest and her lips pressed into a thin line. The wrinkles on her forehead deepen when her gaze meets Seb’s, her eyebrows drawn together. But it’s her eyes that make Seb’s breath hitch in his throat; those light blue eyes which usually sparkle with joy, love and happiness are hooded, resembling a stormy, windy sea instead of the infinite blue horizon Seb usually sees in them.

“You’ve got five minutes,” Hanna mumbles and she has to turn around, has to turn away from her husband to prevent her resolve from crumbling the minute she can feel him close, can smell the perfume that usually makes her feel like coming home.

Sebastian steps into the room and closes the door quietly, before following Hanna into the main area of the hotel room. She’s got her back to him, folding her clothes on the bed and placing them neatly into her suitcase. She almost looks impassive if it weren’t for the slight tremble of her hands.

“You wanted to talk, so talk.”

Sebastian is standing in the middle of the room, his fingers fumbling with the wedding ring on his right hand, unsure where to begin. He starts and stops twice, tries to work up the courage to say what he’s come here to say, but it feels as if there’s a lump in his throat, growing bigger and bigger with every passing second, making it impossible to talk.

After the silence becomes too deafening, spreads out in the whole room like an acid gas and builds a weight on his chest that makes it hard to breathe, Hanna turns around. The anger has faded from her face and there’s just tiredness left in her features. She helplessly raises her shoulders and tilts her head to the side, her eyes filled with sadness.

“I thought we were a team, Basti. I thought that we told each other everything that happened - that was our deal, remember?”

She sinks down on the bed behind her, her slim fingers gripping the bed sheet that’s spread out beneath her.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were… bisexual? Gay? Am I just your wife, because there needed to be a woman in your life?”

Her voice gets a hysteric touch and suddenly Seb is back in control over his body, can finally cross the room until he’s standing in front of Hanna. He lowers himself down onto his knees and cradles her face with his palms. The words stumble out of his mouth with an urgency that makes the woman in front of him look up.

“Hanna, I know I’ve lied to you, but please believe me when I say that I love you more than anything. I would give up everything for you. You’re not just the woman by my side, you’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of. You and Emilie are my life.”

Seb speaks so fast that he has to stop for a moment, has to take a breath in order to get the rest of the words out of his mind and finally into the open.

“I’m not gay, but I’m not straight either. I guess that makes me bisexual? I honestly don’t know, there was never anyone who made me question this, made me question us.”

“Except Lewis.”

Hanna’s voice is flat and nearly gets drowned out by the siren of an ambulance that’s driving past the hotel. She’s still not touching Sebastian, her hands grabbing so hard onto the blanket that the skin over her knuckles turns white, nearly transparent.

“Lewis didn’t make me question anything. We were drunk and it just… happened. I wanted to tell you, but I was too much of a coward. I was afraid that I would destroy everything that we’ve built, and I knew I would hate myself for the rest of my life if that had happened.”

He lowers his right hand from Hanna’s face, wraps it around her fingers which are still buried in the blanket and lightly covers them with his own. It stings in his heart when Hanna twitches; but she doesn’t pull her hand out of his this time.

“I want to believe you, Basti, I really do, but…” She helplessly shrugs her shoulders, biting down on her lower lip, and raises her head slightly towards the ceiling, trying not to cry again. It’s a losing game, however, and Hanna sniffs; she can’t hold the tears back any longer and they pave their way down her cheeks. Sebastian’s heart breaks and there are tears welling up in his eyes now as well, leaving his vision blurred. He takes both her hands in his, places them on her knees and lowers his forehead onto them.

“Truth is, I always had this feeling that there’s something I don’t know about, something that you’re hiding from me. And Lewis and you were always so close… I mean, I would’ve never thought that that’s what it was about, especially after you told me about him and Nico. But Basti, are you sure that there’s nothing more between the two of you?”

Sebastian presses his eyes shut and concentrates fully on the feeling of Hanna’s hands against his forehead; tries to soak in the warmth that radiates from them. He doesn’t let his mind wander, doesn’t let himself ponder over the question Hanna has just asked, but instead answers quickly, the words hitting against her body.

“I’m sure, Hanna. I know how this must all look for you, but I promise I don’t have feelings for Lewis. That was never even something that I thought about.”

His tears are slowly receding, leaving his skin parched and itching for some cold water. He presses a featherlight kiss against Hanna’s hands before looking up. She’s staring straight ahead at a point in the room that Seb can’t make out. She seems lost for a moment, before a light jolt ripples through her body and she softly pulls her hands out of Seb’s grasp.

“Maybe you should have.”

Her voice is feathery light, just merely discernible in the silence of the room. Sebastian sends her a confused look, unsure what Hanna is playing at.

“What do you mean?”

She lowers her gaze, blue eyes meeting blue eyes and Seb wishes he would feel just the tiniest bit of warmth that she usually gifts him with when her eyes meet his. But right now, they are distant, as if she is lost in her own little world, too far gone to come back to him tonight.

“Maybe you should have considered it. Maybe you should’ve taken some time to figure out why it happened.”

Sebastian is growing restless now; he doesn’t know what else to tell her, how to make her believe him. His fingers grab around her thighs, lightly digging into the jeans she’s wearing.

“Hanna, please. You’re making this into something bigger than it needs to be. I was drunk, Lewis was drunk. That’s all there is to it.”

He realizes too late that he’s gone too far.

Hanna sends him an angry look and pulls her legs up on the bed, out of reach for Seb whose arms just hang loosely next to his body now.

“I’m making this into more than it needs to be? You cheated on me with a man and didn’t even tell me! Yet I’m the one blowing it out of proportions? Basti, do you even hear what you’re saying?”

Before Seb can answer, Hanna holds her hands up to stop him from replying. She takes a deep breath and Seb can literally see how she raises a wall around herself, detaching herself from her husband.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore tonight. Please just take your bag and go. I don’t want you at home next week, actually, I don’t want you at home at all before you’ve taken some time to think about what you want. I don’t recognize you right now, Basti and that scares me. I need some time to myself to process this.”

Seb has to lower his head to hide the new tears that are running down his face and squeezes his eyes shut, the nauseous feeling rising up in his stomach once again.

“Hanna please don’t make me go.”

When she doesn’t answer him, Seb looks up, but Hanna doesn’t look at him. Instead, she stares pointedly at her hands in her lap. Sebastian swallows, holding back new tears from welling up in his eyes and slowly straightens up. The wedding ring on his hand seems to weigh a tonne, trying to push him down again; down on his knees to beg for Hanna’s forgiveness once more.

But if there’s one thing he’s learned as a racing driver it is to accept a defeat.

Seb quietly goes to pick up the bag with his clothes that Hanna has seemingly packed when she’s come back to their room before. For a second, Seb just stands there, stares at his wife who sits in the middle of the king-sized bed, slumped down, her eyes rimmed red from the tears that he caused.

“I’m really sorry.”

Hanna doesn’t react, just keeps on staring at her fingers, so Seb turns around and walks out of the room. When the door closes behind him, he has to lean against the wall, steadying himself. He feels as if there’s a part of him that he’s just left behind; a part that he’s severed from his own body the moment he closed the door. Seb is fighting against his mind, fighting against the urge to just slide down the wall, breaking down right then and there in front of their room.

But he pushes himself off the wall, forces one foot in front of the other until he arrives at Lewis’ door. Lewis opens it immediately after Seb has rapped his knuckles against it. He takes one look at Sebastian, before pulling him inside and closing the door behind them.

“I guess it didn’t go well?”

When Lewis takes the bag out of Seb’s hands to put it on the ground and wraps his arms around the younger one, Sebastian can’t stop the tears from streaming down his face, can’t stop the sobs from wrecking through his bones, can’t stop himself from breaking down in the arms of his best friend.

Chapter Text

2014

Seb spends the next two weeks at Lewis’ flat in Monaco. He’s called Hanna once after the first three days, but she hasn’t picked up the phone, just texted him later on, saying she’s sure he’s not done thinking about it yet. With the option of going home out of the window, Seb has considered visiting his parents, but seeing as he doesn’t really want to talk about what’s going on between him and Hanna, he’s discarded that option quite quickly as well.

So, when Lewis got off the phone with Nico the morning after Seb and Hanna’s fight, his lips pressed together whilst holding back the tears, and he’s asked Seb if he wanted to come with him to Monaco seeing as Nico just broke up with him again - well, there hasn’t been much to say against it, really.

On the plane to Monaco, they’ve made a deal with each other: no talks about either relationship as long as the person in question doesn't make the first move with the intention of speaking about it.

Up until now, a week into them being roommates, the agreement hasn’t been broken yet. They’ve quickly fallen into a natural routine: the first one to wake up would always go for a short walk with Roscoe and Coco in the morning - with a cap, sunglasses, and hoodie to not get recognized by any paparazzi - and bring breakfast back to the flat. Then they would go on to spend the morning training and the afternoon either on the terrace with a good book or walking around Monaco, trying to find all the little nooks Lewis has never had the time to visit.

"Seb, I'm bored."

Sebastian mentally rolls his eyes, not removing his gaze from the book he's currently reading. The sun is high up in the sky and the golden rays hug warmly around Seb's legs. They're sitting on Lewis' terrace and, up until a minute ago, Lewis has been reading a book as well.

"Go train," Seb says without looking up.

"We already did that this morning."

Seb can’t stop the corners of his mouth from twitching, clearly hearing the pout in his friend’s voice. Lewis has been restless the whole day and Sebastian has lost count of how often Lewis has gotten up from the chair, putting down his book, to play with Roscoe and Coco (who just want to sunbathe and sleep, not play, mind you) or going inside and coming back out with an apple or a banana.

“Go for a run.”

Lewis just gives a nonverbal humph, clearly not satisfied by Sebastian’s lack of commitment. He gets up and walks towards the railing of the terrace, his arms propped up and his gaze turned towards the sea. From where they are, they have a fantastic view over the ocean and for the first few days Seb simply has sat on the chair and stared at the horizon.

He’s been mesmerized by the different shades of colour the sea could adapt during the day, depending on the sunlight. He doesn’t really like Monaco, isn’t a fan of the loud city where something’s always happening. But this view has helped calm him down and sort his thoughts out. He can’t remember a time during the last years where he’s been as relaxed as he is now.

Seb misses his girls a lot, of course, especially Emilie. Hanna has sent a couple of pictures of their daughter without any comment yesterday and Seb has been so close to calling her again, but he knew she wouldn’t pick up the phone. So, he just stared at the pictures of his daughter, an empty feeling spreading in the pit of his stomach.

“I’m too tired to go for a run and it’s way too hot anyway.”

Sebastian finally lifts his gaze from the page he’s currently reading, his right eyebrow raised slightly. Lewis is sitting cross legged on his chair again, his chin propped up on his hand and his lips forming a very visible pout. He’s also sporting the biggest puppy eyes Seb has ever seen but he’s trying not to look Lewis directly into his brown eyes, otherwise he will give in within seconds. Keeping a finger in between the pages of the book, he closes it, letting out an exaggerated sigh so Lewis knows exactly how annoyed he is.

“It was just getting really thrilling.”

“But I’m bored.”

Seb can’t help but laugh, arousing an annoyed look from Roscoe like his own one just before. The poor dog doesn’t understand why it can’t be a day like any other; sitting on the terrace, letting the sun shine brightly in their faces and just doze for a couple of hours or read a book.

“Okay, what do you want to do?”

A huge grin is spreading on Lewis’ face, knowing he’s already won Seb over.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

He quickly pulls his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, opening one of the tabs in his browser. Lewis holds the display of his phone towards Seb, who just wrinkles his forehead, trying to decipher the words.

“I can’t see a thing, it’s too bright.”

Lewis rolls his eyes and sends Seb a prompting glance. “Well get your ass up then?”

“Why do I have to get up when you want to show me something?”

He still gets up, however not without a loud groan and a long search for the bookmark that’s somehow fallen beneath his chair. When he finally finds it and puts it in between the pages, Lewis is still sitting on the chair like that, arm stretched out. Seb would give a lot for those arm muscles that are seemingly never tired.

Crossing the few steps between them, Seb crouches down in front of Lewis and even though he’s in close vicinity, he still has to squint his eyes to be able to read what’s on the display.

“Princess Antoinne Park Monaco. Very popular with families and looping between the olive trees of the park, the mini-golf reopened a few days ago - you wanna go play mini-golf?”

Sebastian doesn’t know whether this is a joke or if Lewis is actually serious, but when he looks up and sees the smug expression he’s certain Lewis does, in fact, want to go play mini golf.

“Lew, we’ve got like 23°C, there’s not a cloud in the sky, it’s the afternoon and you think it’s a good idea for us to go outside where probably the rest of Monaco will be as well?”

“Oh, come on, we’ll just put on a disguise.”

It's slowly getting a bit ridiculous, but Sebastian knows he'll probably go along with it anyways. Not only because he hasn't been at a golf (or mini golf) course in a long time, but also because it will probably help Lewis stop thinking about Nico for a few hours.

Seb doesn't go against the deal they've made whilst boarding the plane to Monaco, but he knows that Lewis is having trouble sleeping and he catches him staring at the phone in his hands with an open chat (that Seb is pretty sure is the one with Nico) from time to time. As far as Sebastian knows, Nico hasn't texted Lewis yet.

Lewis has vowed to himself to not make the first step this time, but Seb can see that Lewis is already caving; he's missing Nico too much to go on any longer without talking to him.

"If I don't have to wear a fake beard, I'm in."

In the end, the two drivers opt for sunglasses, caps and discreet clothes.

As soon as they step out of the doorway, Seb wants to turn on his heels and get back inside. The streets are full of people; families eating ice-creams, couples searching for the little bit of shade they can get underneath the trees and people running around with huge shopping bags, seemingly having the best day of their lives.

Lewis thrives on the busyness of Monaco, he loves the crowds, the people, the city. Seb - not so much. He really misses the solitude of Switzerland.

Their walk to the park takes them a good twenty minutes and it definitely feels warmer than the 23°C it’s supposed to be. They’ve left Roscoe and Coco at home; for once, because the dogs wouldn’t have any fun at a mini-golf course anyways and second, because they’d probably be the reason people would recognize the two men within a short time.

The park itself is stunning and Seb is left to just stand and marvel at the architecture of the wall surrounding it, whilst Lewis gets their clubs and balls. Even though it’s late September, most of the flowers are still in full bloom, showing off their mesmerizing colours, contrasting the bright green of the grass beautifully. Seb would definitely love to hit up the gardener to get some tips on how he manages to cut the box trees so evenly - his always look like a mess at home when he tries to get them into a round shape.

“The lady over there just told me that we’re lucky and apparently not a lot of people are in here today to play mini-golf. So we can take as much time as we want without being disturbed.”

Lewis hands him a putter and two of the small white balls he’s got in his hands. They search for the first hole which is not far from the entrance to the park and Sebastian lets Lewis go first.
It quickly becomes clear that competition, no matter what they do, is embedded in their hearts and they soon take the game way too seriously.

“Lew, you’re cheating! You’re not allowed to touch the ball twice, the first one is your only hit no matter if it rolls anywhere or not!”

“You’re seeing things, I didn’t touch it twice, I touched it once! I was just holding the putter very close to the ball to try to get a feel for how I have to hold it!”

Sebastian rolls his eyes when an innocent smile is sent his way and crosses his arms in front of his chest, pursing his lips.

It’s only when Lewis does the exact same thing again at the next two holes that Seb throws his arms in the air, exasperated.

“Stop doing that!”

Lewis can’t even hold back his cackle this time. The Mercedes driver has to bite down on his lower lip to not start full on laughing, too amused at how quickly he can rile Seb up. When it’s Seb’s turn, he walks over to the white ball and bends down, taking it and putting it back onto the ground a few centimetres further on. There’s a smirk on his lips before Lewis even reacts to it.

“Hey man, what are you doing? You’re not allowed to move it!”

Seb just shrugs his shoulders and turns around to the other man who’s come to stand next to him, his hands on his hips.

“I’m just following your example and make up my own rules.”

The grin on his face deepens when Lewis throws him an annoyed look. He knows how much Lewis always wants to win; it’s something that lives deep in his bones, something he’s not able to shake off.

He doesn’t expect his friend to have a go at him though, so when Lewis steps closer, a mischievous grin on his lips, and reaches out to tickle him, Seb is too slow to dodge.

He’s full on laughing and writhing underneath Lewis’ fingers in mere seconds, too focused on not falling down on the ground to even have the strength to get away from the other man. The tiniest part of his brain that's able to function right now just hopes that no one is around to see them acting like 6-year-olds.

“Lew… stop it... please.” Seb is wheezing, tears welling up in his eyes from laughing too much. He’s trying to escape but Lewis has slung one arm around his waist, holding him close, while he knows exactly where to tickle Sebastian with his other hand to make sure that the blonde is a laughing mess beneath him. It’s the nine years of friendship that give him that knowledge.

When Lewis finally takes pity on him, they’re both breathing hard, a big smile still painted on both their faces. Seb sinks to the ground, wrapping his arms around his stomach as protection in case Lewis decides to start again. His muscles hurt from laughing and he’s still chuckling even though the movements hurt his ribs. Laying down in the grass, he closes his eyes and turns his face toward the sky and breathes in deeply.

He feels a weight against his shoulder and when he turns his head slightly to his left and blinks against the sunlight, he sees that Lewis has laid down next to him, his head leaning against Seb’s left shoulder. They both stare into the sky for a few minutes and catch their breaths again. A small smile plays around Sebastian’s lips, and he lightly nudges his shoulder against Lewis’ head.

“Thanks for forcing me to go out. It’s actually nicer than I thought it would be.”

It elicits a soft laugh from Lewis who keeps on staring into the sky, but Seb knows him well enough to be able to picture the smile in his mind.

“You make it sound as if I’ve dragged you out of the appartement against your own will while you’ve tried to hold on to the doorframe or something.”

“I mean, you could see it like that...”

Seb breaks off when he feels Lewis sitting up, his hands dangerously close to his sides again and he quickly rolls away, sitting up as well. Sebastian’s laughing again, his hands in a defensive posture in front of his body.

“Just joking, please keep your hands away from me.”

Lewis tilts his head, his lips pursed, and pretends to think about that for a moment. When he gets up though, he steps towards Seb and offers him a hand to help him up.

They do the remaining holes, enjoying the playful competition against the other one, whilst bathing in the warm rays of sunlight that kisses their skins. Lewis wins - of course he does - but Seb insists the whole walk back to Lewis’ appartement that he’s been cheating all the way through the game. Lewis just laughs, telling Seb how he’s just a sore loser and needs to grow up.

Roscoe and Coco are definitely happy when the two men arrive back home again and while Lewis goes straight into the kitchen to prepare dinner, Sebastian grabs two leashes and takes the bulldogs out for a short walk around the block. When they come back, Seb is instantly hit by a delicious smell the moment he steps through the door. He unhooks the leash from Roscoe and Coco’s collars and the dogs walk directly into the kitchen, either hoping for some leftovers or their own food.

Sebastian follows the bulldogs but stops in the doorway when he sees Lewis dancing in the kitchen to a song that’s currently playing on the radio. Lewis hasn’t noticed that they’ve come back yet, and he’s fully concentrated on cutting some vegetables whilst moving to the music, his lips forming the words to the song.

Smiling, he just stands there for a moment, watching Lewis being his carefree and happy self that he hasn’t shown much of during the last few months. The battle for the championship as well as his problems with Nico have taken their toll on Lewis and more often than not is he wearing a masked expression on his face, closed off and impenetrable. It’s a shame, really, that other people don’t get to see this version of Lewis as much anymore as a few years ago.

As soon as the song changes Seb pushes himself off the doorframe and walks into the room. He has to bite back a laugh when Lewis turns around and nearly falls over Roscoe, who’s just sat down next to his owner without making a single sound.

“God, I swear, one of these days I’ll fall over him and break my neck.”

But there’s not a single hint of annoyance in his voice as he bends down to scratch the dog behind his ears, a loving expression on his face. When Lewis looks up again, Seb is already grabbing one of the cans of dog food that are neatly stacked up on the counter, preparing dinner for the two bulldogs.

“I hope you’re hungry because I’m pretty sure I’ve just cooked dinner for a whole football team.”

Seb laughs at that but doesn’t shift his focus from dividing the dog food fairly into two bowls; he’s made the mistake of giving more food to Coco one time which has earned him Roscoe’s cold shoulder for a whole evening.

Once the two dogs are fed and Lewis and Sebastian have had their dinner as well, the men move to the couch, Seb with a book in his hands and Lewis playing around on his phone.

It’s quiet for a while, the only noise filling the room is Coco’s snoring, which has surprisingly turned into a calming sound for Sebastian during the last week. Roscoe is sleeping on the couch in between the two drivers, his head bedded on Lewis’ feet and his legs buried underneath Seb’s.

Sebastian’s so immersed in his book that he doesn’t notice Lewis putting away his phone, observing the blonde for a short while, before he decides to pull him out of his reading.

“Hey, I know I’m breaking the deal here, but have you had any messages from Hanna?”

Seb takes his time before looking up from his book, not entirely sure if he wants to talk about this tonight; he’s been doing so well all day to not let his thoughts wander into that direction. In the end, he closes his book and settles a bit further into the cushions behind his back. He doesn’t meet Lewis’ eyes, fixating his gaze on the trophy wall behind Lewis.

“No, not really. She’s been sending me some pictures of Emilie but that’s been it. I haven’t said anything either, though. I’m not really sure what she wants to hear from me.”

He’s been thinking a lot about Hanna’s words during his restless nights, where he’s rolled from one side to the other in his bed, sleep simply refusing to come to him.

“She told me to think about what I want and to think about who I am, but I know all that. I’ve been trying to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen.”

When Sebastian’s gaze locks with Lewis’ all he can see is sympathy laced into those brown eyes. He’s pulling his legs close to his body, trying not to wake Roscoe with the movement, and plays with the buttons on his shorts.

“I guess she wanted you to think about your sexuality,” Lewis offers, resting his head on the backrest of the couch.

“But there’s nothing to think about that either,” Seb says, his voice carrying an exasperated tone with it, “I’m bisexual, I guess, but that doesn’t change that I’m married to her and that she is the love of my life.”

“You guess you’re bisexual?”

The conversation is taking a turn that Sebastian doesn’t really know how to work with; his sexuality is something that he hasn’t wasted many thoughts on, mainly because there hasn’t been anyone except Hanna who would’ve been concerned with it. He knows he’s not entirely straight because even though he has been drunk during those times where he and Lewis got a bit too close, it never felt weird, and he’s definitely enjoyed it.

Leaning his head back, his eyes stare straight at the white ceiling above him. Sebastian doesn’t talk about sex with other people and it’s only because of their close friendship that he doesn’t dodge the conversation.

“Lewis, how would I know? I’ve been with Hanna for a long time now and as far as I can remember, I’ve never been attracted to a man. When we… I mean, when you and me…,” Seb is awkwardly gesturing with his hands, not entirely sure how to voice his thoughts out loud. Lewis takes pity on him.

“When we were way too drunk and things happened?”

Seb shoots him a thankful gaze before continuing.

“Yes, that... We were drunk then. I don’t think I’ve ever been attracted to a man whilst being sober.”

“So you think I’m attractive when you’re drunk?” Lewis can’t help himself from saying this, a wry smile on his lips. Sebastian just gives him an annoyed look.

“Not the time for that,” he huffs, and Lewis puts his hands up in an apologizing manner.

A silence spreads across the room, both men lost in their own thoughts. Eventually, Lewis breaks through the quiet first.

“But don’t you think that’s exactly what Hanna meant? That that’s what she wanted you to think about? Maybe she’s scared you’ll leave her someday because you’re too curious about it. Cause let me tell you, sex with a man is definitely something else.”

If Roscoe hadn't lain between the two men, Seb would’ve definitely kicked against Lewis’ shins for the last comment. Instead, he just groans, putting his face in his hands. He doesn’t react any further, so Lewis takes it as a cue to continue.

“Have you ever thought about it, though? Sleeping with a man?”

“I’d really like a glass of wine, do you want one too?”

Seb is about to stand up from the couch, fully aware that he’s just running away, trying to slip out of the conversation that Lewis apparently wants to have but he doesn’t.

“Seb, come on. I’m only trying to help here.”

Lewis’ voice is honest, making Seb stop in his movement.

Of course he’s thought about it sometimes. But there’s never been a chance of actually giving in to those thoughts. There was always Hanna at his side and, like he’s told Lewis before, no man has caught his attention.

But he can’t deny that there’s been lonely nights in his hotel room, too riled up from the race, too edged on to just simply go to bed, where the darkness around him shaped into the figure of a man; the image of broad shoulders, low moans and a heavy weight on top of him unfolding in Seb's mind making him writhe beneath the blanket within seconds.

He feels the blood rising up in his cheeks and tries to banish those thoughts, it's to no avail to think about that now.

“Seb, you still with me?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he’s still hesitating, unsure whether to talk to Lewis about this, but in the end he decides that if he cannot talk to Lewis about it, there'd be no one else to speak to. He sighs and sits up a bit straighter, placing his chin on his knees.

“Of course, I’ve thought about it. And I guess I’m curious, but it's never been something that could actually happen.”

Lewis just looks at him with his big brown eyes; it’s the look where Seb always gets the feeling he’s said something utterly stupid, and Lewis is just waiting for him to realize that himself. Seb wrinkles his forehead, his eyebrows drawing close.

“What,” he says, his voice tinged with a defensive tone, but Lewis just continues to look at him like that. Sebastian lets out an exasperated sigh and takes the chance of Roscoe changing his sleeping position to kick lightly against Lewis’ feet.

“Just say what you want to say.”

“You’re telling me that there’s never been a chance of you hooking up with another man? Like as if no one ever hit on you?”

Seb is so surprised by the question that he nearly chokes on his own spit and gives Lewis an incredulous look.

“I don’t think so?”

Lewis just chuckles at that, shaking his head, and Sebastian feels like a little kid being scolded by an adult. He’s frowning at Lewis, the wrinkles on his forehead getting deeper.

“You’re just oblivious," Lewis states, the grin still plastered on his face.

“So you’re telling me you think I’ve been hit on by men before and just didn’t notice it?”

The conversation is getting weirder with every passing moment but at least Seb doesn’t have the urge to run away anymore; there’s something about Lewis that always calms him down eventually, something that makes even the most ridiculous conversations bearable.

“Come on, you don’t actually need me to tell you that you’re good looking, right? There’s always been girls surrounding you, even if you didn’t pay any attention to them, so why should it be any different with men?”

“I don’t know,” Seb answers honestly, “there might have been some, I guess? But that doesn’t change the fact that there was never a chance for me to get into that, even if I would have noticed them. Hanna’s been there for a long time now and I know how hard it was for you, with all the media surrounding you all the time. Especially when you and Nico started going out and how much you had to hide.

I don’t know if a single hook-up just to see how it’s like would’ve been worth it.”

Now it’s Lewis who becomes thoughtful, his eyes wandering restlessly around the room, seemingly searching for an answer. In the end, he opts for countering with another question.

“Don’t you think you might regret not trying it out some time in the future?”

Sebastian shrugs his shoulders at that, not sure how to answer the question. It’s not as if he could miss something that he’s never done before, right?

“I might, but like I said, it’s not as if I could just go into a bar right now, flirt with a guy and go home with him. That’s a bit too obvious and on top of that, I’m still married.”

“Yeah, married to a woman who wants you to be sure about what you want.”

“I don’t think she was telling me to go have sex with another man with that, after we’ve just had a huge fight about me cheating on her with you.”

Lewis sends him another one of his looks and Sebastian just answers it with an annoyed huff. He runs his fingers through his hair, feeling exasperated. They keep on ending up at the same point without getting closer to an actual solution.

“Look, I appreciate your concern and all, but it’s just not possible even though there might be a part of me that’s curious,” he admits, averting his gaze. “But there’s too much at stake here to throw it away just to hook up with a man.”

“You could always just ask someone you know,” Lewis says nonchalantly, making the blonde snort.

“Like you or what?”

The last thing Seb has expected as an answer was for Lewis to just shrug his shoulders.

“Are you being serious right now?”

“Oh come on, it’s not as if we haven’t done anything like that before. We’re friends, we know it means nothing and we’re both pretty lonely right now.”

Sebastian can’t believe that Lewis actually means what he’s saying, and he doesn’t know what to reply, so he just sits on the couch, gaping at Lewis, a dumbfounded expression on his face. The other man chuckles lightly, loving the sensation of rendering Sebastian speechless as it doesn’t happen often. He quickly turns serious again, however, afraid of having crossed a border that wasn’t his to cross.

“You know what, forget about it. That was weird of me to offer. Sorry.”

When Sebastian doesn’t answer immediately, Lewis lets out a sigh and leans forward. He’s looking straight into the blue eyes, hoping to get an answer out of them.

“Are we okay?”

Still slightly taken aback, Seb nods at Lewis, giving him a small smile. Lewis smiles back and decides to let that conversation rest for tonight; Seb doesn’t look as if he wants to continue talking about it and even though Lewis likes to push other people towards their boundaries, he doesn’t want his friend to become distant as a result. He reaches for his phone again, scrolling through Instagram to give Sebastian some time to sort his thoughts.

The blonde can’t forget Lewis’ offer though and there’s a hot feeling growing beneath his skin that makes him restless; it forces his gaze towards Lewis, lets his eyes follow Lewis’ tongue that’s darting out to wet his lips, makes him focus on the way Lewis’ Adam’s apple moves whenever he swallows. There’s a tingling sensation that starts in his fingers and spreads through his whole body; suddenly he’s trying to remember how Lewis’ lips feel against his and whether it would be different to kiss him sober.

“Okay.”

Chapter Text

2014

Lewis looks up from his display and gives Seb a confused look.

“Okay?”

“I think I want to… try it, I mean.”

Now it’s Lewis who has been rendered speechless. He lowers his hands, his lips slightly parted, and he blinks a few times before being able to answer.

“Are you sure?”

A breathless chuckle escapes Seb’s lips; the situation has taken a strange turn, but he feels like there's no other way out of this than straight through and somehow his body is yearning for the other man's as if his skin has just remembered the distant feeling of Lewis' body against his.

"Yeah, I think so."

Sebastian can feel his heart speeding up when Lewis puts his phone away, his movements slow as if he's convinced Seb will change his mind any time soon. But the younger one doesn't; instead, he's straightening up a bit, his motions having an awkward touch to them, not sure what to do next.

Their movements wake Roscoe out of his slumber and the bulldog lets out an annoyed little huff, before he jumps from the couch to lay down next to Coco on the carpet.

For a second, both men are simply looking at each other, unsure of what to do next, and an awkwardness fills the air, mixed with a tension that raises the hairs on Sebastian's neck.

Then, Lewis moves first; he slowly bends forward, only has to shift his legs a bit to sit up in front of Sebastian. His hands hang in the air for a moment, hesitant, whilst his eyes search for permission in the blue ones in front of him, before he softly cradles Sebastian's face.

Seb can feel his heart hammering in his chest and his own hands, which are wrapped around his legs, are getting sweaty. His lips are slightly parted, and his breath comes out in short huffs. The anticipation builds up in his bones and spreads through his body, turning his skin even more sensitive than it’s already been and when Lewis' thumbs start caressing his cheeks it feels as if there are tiny little jolts being sent through his body.

"Tell me if you want me to stop," Lewis mumbles before leaning forward in an agonisingly slow way to give Sebastian the possibility to back out. Seb's eyes flicker from the deep brown eyes to slightly wet lips and back, his breath getting stuck in his throat when Lewis is just mere centimetres away. He closes his eyes as soon as he feels the light pressure of Lewis' lips against his and for a second, he just lets himself process the feeling.

It's awkward at the beginning; rough lips against his and the stubble of Lewis' beard is such a new sensation that Seb is momentarily just sitting there, unsure of how to react, just focusing on the movements the other man's lips make against his. On top of that, their sitting position is far from pleasant, as Seb's knees are digging into Lewis' upper body and Lewis has to bend over them in a weird way, making it hard for him to kiss Seb right.

But when Lewis' lips part slightly and his tongue hits against Seb's lips, the latter lets out a small moan, his legs falling to the sides, giving Lewis the room to crawl closer. Sebastian wraps his arms around the other man, pulling him towards his chest, his fingers digging into the fabric of the shirt Lewis is wearing.

He can feel Lewis smile against his lips.

Lewis’ fingers caress Seb’s cheeks before he lets his hands wander down over the broad shoulders, up Sebastian’s neck and into the blonde hair where he lightly tugs on some strands, revelling in the sounds he’s able to elicit from the younger man.

Seb is completely overwhelmed; it feels so much better than he remembers and being sober certainly allows him to appreciate how good of a kisser Lewis actually is.

Rearranging his legs beneath him, Lewis ends up on Sebastian's lap somehow which brings their groins together and Seb's mind suddenly goes completely blank. His breath hitches in his throat and his fingers dig into Lewis' back, pulling him even closer. Lewis’ head is higher now and Sebastian has to straighten his neck a bit to be able to keep on kissing him.

This whole situation should feel weird and strange and awkward because this is Lewis, his best friend for over nine years, but all Sebastian can feel is the heat growing in his stomach, engulfing his whole body and mind in arousal. He can’t recall a time someone else has made him feel like that before.

His jeans are growing tighter by the second and he can’t control his movements, can’t stop his hips from jerking upwards against Lewis’, surprising the other man. The low groan that’s stumbling over Lewis’ lips comes from deep down and it sends sparks along Sebastian’s spine. Tugging on Seb’s collar, Lewis slowly straightens up, trying not to break their kiss whilst detangling their legs beneath him.

“Bedroom. Now,” he mumbles against Seb’s lips and pulls him up. Seb simply mirrors Lewis’ actions, their lips still locked in an open-mouthed kiss as they try to get up from the couch without falling over.

Once they’re both on their feet, Lewis pulls Seb closer again and his tongue is darting out, licking a wet stripe over Sebastian’s lips. With a sudden rush of confidence, Seb pushes Lewis back until the older one feels the wall against his body, enclosed in between the man in front and the concrete behind him. Lewis’ hands wander down Seb’s back until they reach the blonde’s ass, and, with a sudden jerk, he presses Seb’s groin against his. Their moans fill the whole room and by now, Seb is not even able to kiss Lewis back properly anymore.

The feeling of Lewis’ hard dick against his own is so overwhelming that he can’t form any coherent thoughts.

Suddenly however, there’s a pressure against his right leg and even though Seb tries to ignore it first, he has to detach himself from Lewis when it doesn’t go away. Still breathing heavily, he looks down only to see Roscoe sitting next to him, his little head tilted to the side and a paw resting against Seb’s leg. The dog’s eyes have a curious look in them, and Sebastian doesn’t know whether to laugh or to be annoyed.

“Okay we definitely need to move this into the bedroom, I don’t want the babies to watch.”

Lewis’ rough voice is doing things to Sebastian’s body that he can’t explain, and he has to hold himself back to not just turn around and simply continue what they’ve been doing a second ago. Pushing himself off the wall, Lewis takes Seb’s hand into his, pulling the other man after him towards his bedroom.

Licking over his already swollen lips, Seb simply follows suit, chuckling when Lewis closes the bedroom door behind them to make sure no dog will disturb them this time. Lewis takes a tiny step backwards, suddenly looking small in the big bedroom, a hesitant look painted on his features.

“Are you still okay with this? I don’t want to force you to do something you will regret later.”

This should’ve been the time for Sebastian to consider what they’re doing right now, to stop himself from going further, stopping them from taking a step too far. But instead, he just smiles, steps in front of Lewis and pulls him in for another kiss.

It turns heated within seconds again and Sebastian starts walking in the direction of the bed, holding on to Lewis with his hands placed on Lewis’ sides, and the latter takes cautious steps backwards in order not to stumble.

They ungraciously fall onto the bed when the mattress hits against the back of Lewis' legs, Seb having to catch himself with his arms in order to not have his whole weight fall on top of Lewis. The older one chuckles softly against Seb's lips, his hands finding their way into the blonde hair again, fingers combing through the strands, lightly putting pressure on Sebastian's head.

Seb lets out a sigh of pleasure that hits against Lewis' open mouth and takes the opportunity to slide his tongue through Lewis' lips. For a few minutes, their heavy panting is the only sound filling the room.

Lewis runs his hands down Sebastian’s spine, smirking when he feels the younger one arching up against the light pressure of his palm, and plays with the seam of Seb’s shirt before slipping his fingers underneath the fabric. Seb hisses against his lips when Lewis’ cold fingertips dance over his spine, running along the broad back of the younger one. His hands start to draw circles on Sebastian’s shoulders, travel down his sides, run along the seam of Seb’s trousers and slip underneath the waistband.

He can feel Seb writhing above him, and the blonde has stopped kissing back, lost in the way Lewis is discovering and caressing his body. Sebastian buries his face in Lewis’ neck, his hot breath hitting against Lewis’ throat, and he presses an open-mouthed kiss against the dark skin before lightly scraping his teeth over it.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Lewis tilts his head slightly to the other side, giving Sebastian more room to press kisses down his neck. His fingers fight against the button of Seb’s pants for a moment before he’s finally able to open it, letting them slip underneath the blonde’s underwear without hesitation. The anticipation stops Sebastian in his motions and his fingers dig into the soft fabric of the blanket, trying to find a way to get rid of the excess energy that electrifies his body.

When Lewis’ fingers wrap around Seb’s dick, the blonde can’t hold back his moan and he buries his nose deeper into the Brit’s neck. His arms start to tremble, and he has to put all of his efforts into holding himself up to not just drop down on the man beneath him.

“Fuck, Lewis.”

“It’s alright, I’ve got you. Just enjoy it,” Lewis mumbles, a smirk rising on his lips when Seb’s only answer is a low moan.

He builds up a slow rhythm of moving up and down Sebastian’s dick as well as he can, but the pants make it hard to have enough space for his movements.

An unhappy sound falls against his skin, when Lewis pulls his hand out again and Lewis chuckles at that, pressing a kiss on top of the blonde hair.

“Pants off,” is the only thing Lewis says and with a swift motion he turns the two of them around so that Sebastian is lying beneath him. His mouth runs dry when his eyes meet Sebastian’s; the light blue eyes are clouded by lust and desire and it unravels something deep in Lewis’ stomach that expands throughout his body, sending heat through his skin and bones, down to his toes. He bites down hard on his lower lip, but the moan still slips through, echoing off the walls in the quiet room.

He simply stares at the younger one for a second, with his eyes wandering from Seb’s lips to his shoulders, down his slim torso and stopping at the bulge in his pants. He can feel the tension radiating from Sebastian, can feel the strain it costs the blonde one to stay still beneath his gaze.

The knuckles of Seb’s hands are shining white in the low light of the moon that’s coming through the windows, bathing the whole scene into a silvery colour. The moonshine makes Seb’s skin look even more pale, nearly porcelain-like.

“Lewis,” Sebastian whines when he can’t take it anymore, his fingers digging so hard into the blanket he’s scared it will rip eventually. Lewis is pulled out of his thoughts, and his fingers find the seam of Seb’s shirt, pushing it up the blonde’s body and over his head. Leaning down, Lewis starts pressing soft kisses against Sebastian’s stomach, whilst he’s making short work with Seb’s pants and boxershorts, pulling them down at the same time.

Suddenly, the awkwardness is seeping into Sebastian’s mind again as he’s laying naked in front of Lewis whilst the other one is still fully clothed. It takes all of his willpower to not cross his arms in front of his chest or to slip underneath the blanket to dodge Lewis’ intense stare.

When it comes to body shape and muscles, he’s by far not the most defined one, especially in comparison to Lewis or Nico. He’s always been small and slim, the scrawny kid, whilst everyone else was quick to put on some muscles.

Lewis notices him squirming underneath his gaze and he wraps his hands around Sebastian’s wrists, leaning down close to Seb’s face.

“Stop thinking. You’re gorgeous, even though this is the only time I’ll ever admit to that.”

This rouses a chuckle out of Sebastian, the tension dissolving when Lewis closes the distance and presses his lips against Seb’s again. It quickly turns messy and soon they’re both moaning into each other’s mouths, tongues fighting for dominance. Sebastian follows Lewis’ example and undresses him, throwing the clothes out of the bed where they land on the soft carpet.

The feeling of Lewis’ naked, hot skin against his takes Sebastian’s breath away and he can’t stop his hands from running over Lewis’ back down to his ass and up his sides again only to let them rest on his biceps. When Lewis moves slightly upwards to be able to press his lips on Seb’s again, he slides his leg between the other man’s and presses his groin down.

“Oh god.”

Sebastian throws his head back when he feels Lewis’ hard dick against his own, his grip around Lewis’ arms grows even tighter, his hips jerking upwards. The blush on Seb’s face has wandered down his neck as well, painting his light skin in a soft pink colour and single beads of sweat are forming on his forehead.

He wants more, wants to feel as much as Lewis will give him, wants to give all of him to the other man. They grind against each other, lost in the passion that runs through their veins and frays their nerves, stopping every single thought short in its track that doesn’t contain Sebastian or Lewis.

Lewis breaks their kiss and lets out a light chuckle when Sebastian’s lips chase after his. The older one lays his forehead against Seb’s, trying to catch his breath while he feels Sebastian’s chest moving up and down in a fast pattern.

“Why did you stop,” Sebastian whines, opening his eyes to look into Lewis’. He’s breathless, with swollen lips and a blush that stains his cheeks in a dark red colour; his blue eyes stand out even more, seemingly electrifying. Lewis’ breath hitches in his throat and for a second he just stares at Seb, before catching himself, clearing his throat.

“Do you still want to have sex?”

Sebastian’s eyes get even darker at that, and Lewis can feel Seb’s fingers dig into his arms. Seb is evidently lost for words or doesn’t know how to form his thoughts into a coherent string of sounds.

Eventually, however, he gives Lewis a nod.

The older one presses another short kiss against Seb’s lips before getting out of the bed to walk over to the drawer. He can see Sebastian sitting up out of the corner of his eyes, feels the blonde’s intense stare against his back, can feel Seb’s eyes rake over his naked frame. His dick twitches at the sensation and it takes him longer than he wants to get the lube and a condom.

Going back, he sits down in front of Sebastian again, who is leaning against the head of the bed now, his legs slightly covered by the white bedsheets. Lewis sees Sebastian eyeing the lube and the condom and he nudges his foot softly against Seb’s knee.

“Hey it’s alright. If you don’t want to, we’ll just stop.”

But Seb just shakes his head, taking a deep breath before lifting his head, looking straight into Lewis’ eyes.

“No, I want to, I’m just nervous, I guess. Which is stupid I know, but-”

Lewis quickly leans forward, pressing a kiss against Sebastian’s lips to make him stop rambling on.

“Seb, it’s okay. We’ll do this slowly.”

It’s still a mystery to the blonde how this is not at all awkward, and instead he just feels safe and calm when he looks at Lewis.

There’s this strange feeling running through his veins, however, making his heart pump faster and harder whenever Lewis’ touch lingers on his skin, but Sebastian can’t figure out for the love of God what that feeling is. It’s not desire or lust, it’s not a red and hot feeling, rather a calming sensation that shuts off every single thought that’s not connected to the man sitting in front of him.

He’s been lost in his thoughts for a moment, so when he focuses on Lewis again his eyes widen when he sees him spreading the lube on his fingers before reaching behind his back, slowly starting to prepare himself. Sebastian doesn’t know whether to keep looking or to avert his gaze, but seeing Lewis like that, his eyes squeezed shut, his lips slightly parted and the moonshine hitting against his dark, bare chest ignites a hot desire in the pits of his stomach. A whimper escapes Sebastian’s lips as he just sits there, staring at Lewis, whilst fighting against the instinct to wrap his hand around his dick that’s painfully hard by now.

Lewis looks like a freaking Greek god the way he sits in front of Seb, and it feels almost dirty to look at him, to listen to the sounds rolling off Lewis’ lips, to know that he’s opening himself up for Sebastian. The blonde has to dig his nails into the skin of his thighs to keep himself from letting out an obscene moan. When Lewis opens his eyes again to see Seb staring at him he just smirks and tilts his head to the side, giving Sebastian a prompting glance.

“You could’ve at least used the time to open the condom.”

Seb’s mind hasn’t caught up yet, but his limbs function on pure instinct, grabbing the condom Lewis has thrown onto the bed and ripping it open. Whilst Lewis wipes his hand clean against the blanket, Seb rolls the condom down on his dick which is definitely not an easy job with trembling fingers.

“Sit up straight against the headrest,” Lewis says and Seb quickly does as he is instructed, anticipation building up again, making it hard to breathe.

Lewis sends him an encouraging smile, before crawling up to sit in Sebastian’s lap. He cradles Seb’s face in both of his hands and raises his head slightly so he can press a kiss against Sebastian’s lips.

They get lost in the movements of their mouths until Seb can’t hold himself back anymore, pulling Lewis even closer. He feels Lewis laughing against his mouth.

“Eager much?”

Sebastian just lets out a nonverbal sound and Lewis takes pity on him. He grabs Sebastian’s dick, not letting off from kissing the other man, and slowly lowers himself down onto Seb.

Letting his head fall back, Seb’s fingers dig hard into Lewis’ sides, while he’s trying his best to hold himself back from jerking up his hips and pulling Lewis down at the same time.

The sensation of being inside Lewis is something he’s never experienced before, something he can’t compare to anything else, and he squeezes his eyes shut, his breath short as his toes curl into the mattress.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Lew…” he mumbles, the words getting stuck in his throat. The fight against himself and his desire to just start fucking into Lewis is getting harder by every agonizingly slow second that Lewis takes to lower himself down onto Sebastian.

When he finally bottoms out, Lewis is breathing hard, his forehead sticky with sweat and Sebastian can feel Lewis’ thighs trembling when he presses them against the blonde’s legs. Seb opens his eyes slightly and looks up at Lewis, whose brown eyes look nearly black, hooded from lust and desire.

“Can I move?” Lewis asks after a few seconds, straightening up slightly and Sebastian can’t help the snort that escapes his lips.

“I thought we’d just sit here like that now.”

“Smartass,” Lewis huffs, rolling his eyes at the younger one.

Seb is about to mutter something else when Lewis suddenly starts moving and Sebastian’s mind is wiped clean, the only thing leaving his mouth a whimpering moan when he throws his head back again. Lewis starts to build up a slow rhythm, lowering his head to press his lips against Sebastian’s, licking into the other man’s mouth.

Seb starts jerking his hips up whenever Lewis comes down, resulting in Lewis mumbling the longest string of curses that Sebastian has ever heard against the younger one’s mouth.

Their movements soon become sweaty and messy, both of them too far gone to hold on any longer. Running his hand down Lewis’ abdomen, Seb’s fingers curl around the other man’s dick, and he starts jerking him off in rhythm with his hips. Lewis is fully leaning against Seb by now, his body shaking more the closer to the edge he gets.

“Fuck, Seb, this feels so good,” he mutters against Sebastian’s lips, his hands curling into the blonde hair, tugging at the strands so hard that it nearly brings tears into Seb’s eyes, but it just edges Sebastian on even more and he’s thrusting up hard into Lewis by now.

When Lewis finally comes, he arches his back up, his head tilted towards the ceiling. He repeats Sebastian’s name over and over again and Seb can’t help but stare at Lewis, can’t help but think how beautiful the other man looks with sweat covering his body that glistens in the low light of the night. The hot feeling in his stomach grows bigger until it engulfs him completely and, when Lewis keeps moving through his climax, his fingers tugging at Sebastian’s hair, he comes as well, gripping hard onto Lewis.

When both their bodies grow limp, Lewis falls forward against Sebastian again, his face nuzzling into the crook of Seb’s neck. They stay like that for a few minutes, Lewis’ body wrapped around the younger one’s, their breaths still coming out short and heavy.

Straightening up first, Lewis leans back far enough to be able to look into Sebastian’s face. His eyes are small and tired, lips red and swollen from kissing and his short brown hair is sticking out in all directions. A breathless laugh escapes his lips and Lewis leans down once more, pressing a soft kiss against Sebastian’s mouth.

And Seb suddenly knows.

It doesn't come with a loud bang or the sound of trumpets; no, it slowly settles beneath his skin, embracing his whole body like a net. And, in a way, the knowledge leaves him caught, leaves him breathless, struggling like a fish on land.

He knows what that feeling in the pit of his stomach has been trying to tell him for the past few years.

Knows that it's been Lewis all along, igniting fires in his bones and building a home around his heart. And all of it suddenly makes so much sense. The warmth he feels when he is around Lewis, the tiny jumps his heart makes in his chest, when he feels those brown eyes on himself, the way his whole body constricts when he sees Lewis and Nico together.
But he also knows that what they’ve done today won’t happen ever again; knows that Lewis doesn’t feel the same about him; knows that his own place is next to the woman he married last year.

He leans forward to capture Lewis' lips in a last sweet and slow kiss, numbing down the desperation that's wrapping itself around his heart. Sebastian doesn’t even try to hold back the single tear that runs down his cheek. It's merging with the sweat on his face, disappearing without a trace.

Two days later, Sebastian makes the decision to fly home to Switzerland for a day before he has to be in Japan the following weekend, hoping to be able to set things right in his marriage. Hanna opens the door for him, Emilie in her arms, and steps to the side after looking at him for a second, letting him back into their home.

And when the images of Lewis naked body pressed against his with the sweet sounds that left Lewis’ mouth still so prominent in his ears emerge in the darkness of the night, Sebastian doesn’t hold on to them, but banishes them into the depths of his mind, rolling over in his bed to wrap his arm around the woman laying next to him.

Chapter Text

2015

“You fucking hit me, Lewis!”

“Nico, it was a tap! If I’d hit you, you would’ve had to retire.”

Lewis’ voice sounds tired and repetitive as if he was a broken record, bound to repeat the same few sounds over and over again.

“I had everything to lose, and you knew that! You forced me wide because you knew exactly that you wouldn’t have another chance of passing me!”

For a second, Seb is pondering on just walking past the room, taking the few minutes between the podium ceremony and the post-race conference to cool down, sort his thoughts out and just enjoy the third place with the rest of the Ferrari team. But somehow his legs don’t listen to what his mind says, and he stops in front of the door, peeking through the small gap where it hasn’t been shut entirely.

He’s just glad most of the people in the paddock are still occupied in the garages and that the journalists are already on their way to the conference room, because the scene that’s unfolding in front of his eyes would be a gold mine for any reporter.

The two Mercedes drivers are standing in the middle of the room facing each other, barely half a meter of distance between them. Lewis has his racing suit zipped down halfway; the sleeves tied into a knot so he’s not dragging them through the dirt with every step he takes. He’s the pure personification of exhaustion; his eyes are small, his forehead wrinkled, and his body looks like it would much rather lay on a couch right now than face Nico.

Nico, however, is fuming; he’s looking at Lewis with a mixture of anger and frustration, jaw clenched, and hands balled into fists. He’s staring down at his once-again-boyfriend and where the mere height difference of a few centimetres is usually not noticeable, with Lewis shrinking down into himself Nico is towering over him.

Lewis closes his eyes for a second, pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers and takes a deep breath. Sebastian has to hold himself back to not hit his head against the doorframe because he knows exactly what Lewis is doing right now: collecting his thoughts, storing his emotions somewhere deep in his mind and putting his feelings back to have Nico’s come first. Lewis takes a little step forward and, almost sheepishly, touches the blonde’s shoulder.

“Babe, please…”

“Don’t call me that!”

Nico snaps, flinching away from Lewis the second he can feel the touch against his body and takes a step back. Sebastian’s stomach churns at Lewis’ expression; the older man looks as if he’s been slapped right in the face. He quickly recovers though, leaving the nasty suspicion nagging at Seb’s mind that Lewis has had to do that way too often during his on and off relationship over the last years.

“I’m sorry,” Lewis says and even from a distance, Seb can see him deflating, leaning away from the man in front of him, “let’s just talk about this when we get back to our room after the press conference, okay?”

“Our room? You really think there’s still an us after what you did today? You cost me the fucking championship just because you couldn’t deal with me being better than you.”

Lewis crosses his arms in front of his chest, his fingers digging into the fabric of the fireproofs; Seb is sure that they’re trembling. Lewis blinks his eyes furiously, trying to hold back the tears that are welling up in his eyes.

“Seriously? You’re breaking up with me? Again? Because of a stupid touch on track?”

Nico scoffs, his eyebrows drawn together, his hands on his hips.

“No, not just because of the stupid touch. You’re my worst rival when it comes to everything that I’ve ever wanted in my life.”

Tears are silently running down Lewis’ face by now, down his cheeks, stopping short on his chin before getting big enough to drop down onto his white shirt. He’s not bothering to brush them away though; Lewis keeps his eyes locked straight with Nico’s, only the light quiver of his lips betrays that he’s not as stoic as he wants to appear.

“You told me once that I was everything you ever wanted.”

“And you believed that? How could I, how can anyone, really love you when all you do is look out for yourself at the expense of everyone else around you! Honestly, Lewis, you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

The sob that escapes through Lewis’ lips is enough to break Sebastian’s heart in pieces and, without wasting a thought on what he’s doing, he storms into the room, anger and hate boiling hot in his body.

“For fucks sake, Nico, shut up!”

He squeezes into the space between Lewis and Nico, forcefully pushing the latter one away. Nico stumbles, looking surprised for a moment, before he catches himself. His expression turns into a sneer, giving Sebastian a onceover, a scornful look painted in his features. A smirk forming on his lips when he sees the younger German in front of him, trembling from the momentary fury that is running through Sebastian’s veins.

“Oh sure, Sebastian the knight in shining armour coming to rescue Lewis from the bad, bad boyfriend. That’s exactly what you wanted all along right?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

But Sebastian just gets another scoff out of Nico. He rolls his blue eyes; they're laced through with bitterness and something that looks a lot like jealousy.

“You know what, the two of you really deserve each other.”

With that, Nico throws Sebastian another disparaging look and just leaves.

Seb closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath before he turns around to his best friend. Lewis has his hands pressed to his chest which is moving up and down way too fast and for a moment Sebastian worries he’s about to black out.

“Lew? You with me?”

He gently places his hands on Lewis' shoulders, his fingers applying a light pressure to the muscles underneath the shirt. Lewis just blinks furiously, tears still running down his face, focusing on a point next to Sebastian’s hips.

“I can’t… I can’t bre-... breathe,” he hiccups, his breaths getting sharper and louder.

“It’s okay, I’m here. Come on, sit down for a second,” Seb mumbles, slowly pulling Lewis towards a chair next to the wall. He sits down heavily, his eyes still glazed over by tears, hands clutching to his chest. Squatting down in front of him, the younger one carefully wraps his hands around Lewis’, slowly lowering them down on his knees. Seb can feel how Lewis’ nails dig into the palms of his hands, but he doesn’t care, too focused to get Lewis to breathe normally again.

“Hey, remember how you helped me through this the first weekend that we met? Where I was freaking out because it was my first ever F3 race and you just sat down next to me and helped me get my breathing under control?”

Sebastian starts to ramble, not really sure of how he’s supposed to react to this, to react to Lewis being so utterly at the mercy of his own feelings. Lewis rarely breaks down; no, not even rarely, more like never. Having control over himself, his words and his actions was something he’s had to learn way too early in his life and Seb has seen only a handful of occasions where Lewis broke out of that self-control.

So to say that this makes him feel kind of helpless is a big understatement.

“Lew, breathe. Try to listen to me, okay? Let’s breathe together.”

For a few minutes, their breathing is the only sound filling the room. Sebastian starts to draw circles on the back of Lewis’ hands once he’s sure that he is okay with being touched at the moment, his skin not too sensitive for any kind of physical contact.

The synchronised breathing seems to help, and, after a while, Lewis stops hiccupping and his tears slowly recede. His inhales still have a rattling sound to them however, as if there was something heavy pressing down on his lungs.

With a long sigh, Lewis leans forward, lowering his head on Seb’s shoulders. The latter tilts his head slightly so that it’s laying against the Lewis’; he’s still contemplating what to say to Lewis, unsure of what he might need to hear right now.

“Do you think he meant what he said?”

Lewis’ mumble nearly gets lost in Sebastian’s overalls, seeping into the soft red material. Seb loosens the grip around Lewis’ hands and uses his free hand to run it through the short hair on the other’s neck. It gives him a few seconds to think about his answer; he’s pretty sure Nico has meant it exactly like he said it in that moment, but he doesn’t want to put Lewis through more anguish than he’s already had to go through today.

“I don’t think so. But that doesn’t make it okay, Lewis. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour and his words, you know that, right?”

“Mh.”

Suddenly the anger seeps back into Sebastian’s bones, and he straightens up a bit, taking Lewis’ face in his hands, tilting it up so that he can look directly into the other man’s eyes. For a second, Seb gets lost in the way the light reflects in Lewis’ eyes, isolating the small shards of amber gold that are laced through the different spectres of brown. He blinks a few times and clears his throat before he’s able to say anything.

“Nico is an asshole - No, don’t interrupt me now, I swear to god, Lewis.”

He can see Lewis biting down on his tongue, his eyebrows drawing close together, whilst he’s holding himself back from speaking the words that have just wanted to stumble out of his mouth.

“Nico is an asshole and what you two have going on is not healthy. It’s toxic and I’m done watching you get hurt over and over again. You deserve so much more, so much better. Do you hear me?”

Lewis sighs and averts his eyes; he’s playing with the rings on his fingers, twisting them around, sliding them up and down.

“Lew, come on, you can’t actually think that this is what you deserve? That Nico is who you deserve?”

When Lewis raises his gaze again, he has a defiant look in his eyes.

“What exactly do you know about healthy relationships? You keep on cheating on your wife.”

Sebastian flinches back as if the words coming out of Lewis’ mouth carry a hurricane with them, making it feel as if he’s momentarily underwater, drowning with the water filling his lungs. He can see the regret that immediately fills those brown eyes, but it doesn’t change what Lewis has just thrown at his head.

Scrambling up, Seb crosses his arms defensively in front of his chest. Lewis follows suit, wrapping his hand around Sebastian’s arm as the younger one is about to turn around to head out of the room.

“Seb, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean what I said, I swear.”

Lewis’ eyes are wide open and the fear of having destroyed something between the two friends merges with regret on open display.

“I was lashing out at you even though you were only trying to help and you don’t deserve that. Please don’t go, please don’t leave me as well.”

Seb sighs, pulling out of Lewis’ grip to rub his hands over his face. They’re both tired, they’re both on edge and they should probably be on their way to the post-race conference by now.

“Sebastian, I’m sorry. Please. I really am.”

Lewis rarely uses his full name and whenever he does, it wakes up those small butterflies Seb’s locked far away in order to keep them from unfurling their wings and growing stronger. He sighs again, before taking a look at the man who’s standing in front of him, fear still prominent in his eyes.

“I know you didn’t mean it,” he mumbles and takes a step forward, wrapping his arms around the older one. Lewis makes a thankful noise in the back of his throat, hugging Seb close to his chest, his face hidden against Seb’s neck.

“Everything you said is true even though it’s hard for me to accept that,” Lewis admits when they’re loosening their grip around each other, taking a tiny step backwards to be able to look Seb directly in his eyes. “It’s just… Sometimes I feel like I deserve whatever Nico and I have going on, that I deserve all of the hard times, that they somehow even out all of the luck I have with driving right now.”

“Lewis there’s nothing to even out. In every pole position, in every trophy you get - there is a lot of hard work that goes into that. It’s not luck, it’s willpower and ambition and an incredible amount of discipline.”

There’s the tiniest smile hiding in the corners of Lewis’ mouth, but Sebastian takes it as a win. Lewis lightly tilts his head, shooting Sebastian a thankful look.

“Thank you. For everything. I honestly don’t know why you’re still sticking around after all those years.”

Because you mean more to me than you’ll ever know, you idiot, Sebastian wants to throw at him.

“Because you’re my best friend,” he settles on instead, “you ready to go face Nico and like 50 journalists?”

Lewis chuckles, but his eyes betray him. He’s definitely not alright and the following twenty minutes next to Nico will probably be pure torture but there’s nothing he can do about it now.

“I’ll be okay.”

Lewis is far from okay when he knocks against Sebastian’s hotel door later that evening. He’s apparently been holing himself up in his room, with nothing there but the pressure of the silence weighing down on him. Seb is given a weak smile when he simply steps away from the door without a comment, letting Lewis into his room.

They sit down on the bed, Lewis immediately cuddling into Sebastian, his head tucked under Seb’s chin, and the latter simply wraps his arm around him, hugging him close to his chest. Reaching for the remote control on his bedside table, Seb turns on the TV.

“What are we watching?”

Seb just smiles, knowing that Lewis isn’t looking at the TV right now when he chooses the movie on Netflix that he’s been searching for. He settles deeper into the cushion behind his back, his fingers playing with the seam of Lewis’ sweater. When the familiar red background emerges, Lewis looks up at him, a sparkle in his eyes and a big smile on his face.

“Matilda?”

Seb just offers him a grin before nudging him slightly, prompting the older man to look towards the TV again.

He’s lost count by now of how often he and Lewis have watched ‘Matilda’ already; it’s been Lewis’ favourite movie since forever and whenever he has been feeling down or they have had a bad race weekend, they’ve been going back to that movie. It always feels as if they’re being thrown back ten years; back into a time where everything seemed a bit easier and lighter.

When Matilda, Seb’s second daughter, was born earlier this year, Lewis had just sent him the picture of the DVD with a question mark; Seb only responded with the emoji of a shrugging man. He doesn’t need to rub the long fight he’s had with Hanna about the name for their second daughter under Lewis’ nose. It’s better if Lewis doesn’t know that Sebastian has chosen that name because it will always remind him of those days they spent together, feeling free, without a care, as if the world was at their feet and they just needed to take a tiny little step to conquer it together.

Knowing the movie by heart, the blonde has a hard time trying to stay awake. It’s been a long and straining day and fatigue slows his mind and weighs down on his eyes. He can’t stop himself from sinking deeper into the cushions, and Lewis’ body heat seeps through his clothes and envelopes him in warmth like the sun on a warm spring day, making it even harder for Sebastian to stay awake.

When the credits finally roll up on the screen it takes him a few minutes to come back to reality, having nodded off during the last few minutes of the movie. With a low grunt, Seb tries to straighten up a bit, his arm having fallen asleep due to Lewis’ weight on it. When he looks around for the remote control he notices the wet patch on his hoodie, right where Lewis’ face is placed on his chest.

“Hey Lew, you alright?”

His voice sounds muffled and a yawn ripples through him when he straightens even more, trying to catch a glimpse of the other man. Lewis just makes a nonverbal sound, burying his face in Seb’s chest, his fingers clenching around the soft fabric of his sweater. Sebastian lets out a small sigh and turns down the volume of the TV, before starting to run his fingers through Lewis’ hair in a soothing gesture.

He doesn’t really know what to say; they’ve been through this three times already and somehow Lewis and Nico have still ended up getting back together again. However, it feels different this time, it feels final. Lewis seems to notice that as well because he presses into Sebastian even more, his grip around the smaller one growing stronger.

Lewis doesn’t scream or sob, instead he lets the sadness just roll over him, leaving him with the dreaded feeling of emptiness.

They stay like this for a few more minutes, Seb running his fingers through Lewis’ hair and the latter burying his nose into the red sweater, inhaling the scent of the citrusy detergent Sebastian always uses.

“I’m sorry, I think I just need some time.”

A sad smile appears on the blonde’s face when he hears those words coming out of Lewis’ mouth. He’s pretty sure “some time” will be the understatement of the year. He doesn’t tell his best friend so, though.

“I know. I’m here if you need me.”

Lewis finally straightens up as well, facing away from Sebastian when he tries to wipe the tears from his face without the other one seeing it. It’s not really successful however and when Lewis turns around, he sighs at the sympathetic look Sebastian gives him.

“That bad, eh” he chuckles, running his hand through his hair.

Seb bites down on his lower lip to not say something stupid along the lines of your eyes are red, your cheeks are sunken in and there are dried up tears staining them, but you’re still beautiful to me.

He definitely has to work on keeping those thoughts of his more under control.

He opts for an “I’ve seen worse” followed by a light chuckle, earning himself a weak hit against his shoulder.

Lewis takes a deep breath and throws Seb a small smile before stepping out of the bed, a bit wobbly on his feet.

“I should probably get back to my room. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck…”

“Is Nico there as well?”

The mention of his ex-boyfriend’s name leaves a hesitant expression on Lewis’ face but he’s quick to compose himself again, his hands disappearing in the pouch of his sweater.

“I don’t think so. Bono told me he’s asked for his own room before the press-conference and when I came back to the room afterwards all his things were already gone.”
Sebastian just nods at that and gets up as well, following Lewis towards the door. Lewis has his hand already on the doorknob, when his shoulders tense and Seb can literally see the gears in his brain working.

“Lewis?”

He slowly turns around, a look in his eyes that Sebastian can’t read. He’s about to say something more when Lewis suddenly steps in front of him, only mere centimetres between their bodies. Seb’s mouth goes dry, and he can’t avert his gaze, his eyes locked with Lewis’, a silent conversation playing out between them.

He doesn’t flinch when he feels Lewis’ hand cradling his cheek, doesn’t say anything when he leans in. Seb’s heart is beating so hard by the time Lewis’ lips finally press against his own that he’s pretty sure everyone in the hotel can hear it.

The younger one’s been longing for this moment since the last time he’s felt those lips against his own, but at the same time dreading every memory of it that’s been rising to the surface at the most inappropriate times.

It feels as if there are an angel and a demon sitting on his shoulders, fighting hard against each other, both wanting different things from Sebastian right now. He tries to block out the nausea rising up in his stomach, the feeling of his heart breaking in advance before anything really happens. Opening his eyes, he stops the kiss, even though he knows he won’t be able to stomach Lewis’ gaze.

“Lewis, please. I can’t.” Seb takes a step back, biting down hard on his lips when he sees the hurt flashing in Lewis’ wet eyes. The tear stains have almost dried up, but Seb is scared Lewis will start to cry again.

“Seb… I need you please… I’m falling apart here, man.” Sebastian has to close his eyes, his hands balling up in fists in order to restrain himself, to not give in to Lewis’ begging. He knows how hurt
Lewis is, how he is grieving and longing for Nico who has broken his heart in a way that no one deserves to have their heart broken.

A few years ago, Seb would have said yes without giving it another thought, would have kissed Lewis and tried to help him forget before the other one even had to ask. But now there are his little girls in his life, the two people he loves more than anything else and he can’t do this to them, can’t do this to their mother again, to Hanna.

He also can’t do it to himself; not when it’s taken this long to carefully distinguish the platonic feelings from the romantic ones, storing the latter in the furthest corner of his mind. He’s not ready to patch himself up again, not ready to have Lewis for a night before giving him up once more, longing after the other man from afar whilst trying to be the best husband and father he can be.

Seb takes another step back. When he opens his eyes again, Lewis is still standing in the same spot; his arms hanging down by his sides, his shoulders sagging, his eyes dull and full of new tears that run silently down his face. He looks even smaller than he is. Seb’s heart hurts; he hurts in ways he never thought he could as he looks at Lewis in that moment.

“Seb. Please.”

He’s never heard Lewis beg like that before, has never seen him cry like that before. His chest tightens, Lewis’ broken voice embedding itself like little sharp pieces into his heart and soul. When the older one looks into his eyes again, Seb can’t look away. All the energy and happiness, the giddiness and positivity that usually radiates from Lewis’ beautiful brown eyes are gone. They leave a lifeless shell, someone Seb doesn’t know, doesn’t recognize.

Afterwards, Seb will say this was the moment where he gives up and gives in. With two quick steps he stands directly in front of Lewis and without considering his actions for another second, he kisses him hard. Lewis lets out a broken sob before hanging onto Seb as if his life depends on it.

Lewis has his arms wrapped around his neck, his fingertips pressing into Seb’s back, when the latter carefully manoeuvres him back towards his bed. Once Lewis feels the edge of the bed behind him, he lets himself fall, not being able to stand up any longer, pulling Seb with him.

Trying not to fall directly on top of Lewis, Seb holds himself up on his arms, his hands placed next to Lewis’ face. For a second, they look into each other’s eyes, mere centimetres between them.

Seb can feel Lewis’ heavy and hot breath against his skin, can feel him squirming underneath his body. He focuses on those brown eyes that are still filled with sadness, but the sorrow is slowly being pushed away by dilated pupils, lust and desire overpowering Lewis’ other thoughts.

Slowly, Seb leans down again, bridging the small distance between their lips. Lewis’ are slightly parted, little puffs of air hitting against Sebastian’s mouth before he presses his against his friend’s.

He can feel the rough texture of Lewis’ lips, his own moving over all these little places where Lewis’ teeth have buried themselves into them; probably to stop himself from crying in front of everyone else during the press conference after the race. Just mere minutes after Nico has broken up with him, has told him he couldn’t be with someone who was his worst rival, couldn’t be with someone he had no love for anymore.

Fury wells up in Sebastian’s chest, fury and anger at the other man who has broken one of his best friends, has broken someone he never thought could fall apart like this.
Seb kisses Lewis harder now, his hands roaming over the other man’s body. He feels the hem of Lewis’ sweater underneath his fingers and pushes it up to his chest. Letting his fingertips dance over the soft skin, he caresses every little part of toned muscle he can get to.

When Lewis’ quiet sobs turn into small sounds of desire, Seb feels as if his heart can finally beat again. Lewis bends his body upwards, tries to feel more of Seb against himself, his own hands slipping underneath Sebastian’s shirt, pressing the man above him downwards. A low moan escapes Seb’s lips, his jeans growing tighter around his groin with every passing second.

“Seb, I need you,” Lewis mumbles against the other’s lips as he tries to draw Sebastian’s hoodie up and over the blonde’s head. Seb straightens, helping Lewis to get rid of his own sweater before he does the same to Lewis’. When Seb looks down at him again, his breath hitches in his throat. He lets his eyes wander over the beautiful man, retraces his way with his fingertips, sees Lewis shudder beneath his touch.

He follows the black lines of the tattoos that are drawn onto the skin and feels how some of the lines, the newer ones, are elevated a bit. When he bends down to press featherlight kisses onto Lewis’ stomach the other man isn’t able to hold back his moans anymore. Lewis’ groin buckles up, pressing against Seb’s hard on. Biting down on his lips to stop himself from letting out an embarrassing sound, Seb’s arms tremble beneath him due to the sheer desire that shoots through his spine.

“Fuck, Lew.”

“Come on, Seb. I want you- I need you to fuck me. Now.” His mind going blank, Seb does the only thing he can do at this moment: give in to Lewis’ wish. With one swift motion, he pulls Lewis’ sweatpants and boxer shorts down at the same time.

Lewis tries to unbuckle Seb’s belt, but his hands are shaking too much, so Seb pushes him away, wiggling out of his jeans before throwing them out of the bed. There is a second of hesitation in Seb, a second where he thinks about Hanna.

He is cheating on her - again. And like before it is with Lewis - again. How is he not able to break this cycle, how does he always end up here?

But those thoughts move to the back of his mind as that is currently filled with Lewis and the sweet sounds that escape his lips when Sebastian lets his hands roam over Lewis’ legs. Filled with the low moan that sends shivers down Seb’s spine when his hands find their way to Lewis’ dick. Filled with the sensitive, soft skin underneath his fingertips when he lets them dance over it.

“Seb.”

A small smile plays around Seb’s lips, and he bends over Lewis once again, slowly lowering his body onto the latter. When bare skin hits bare skin, their groins meeting without a layer of clothing in between, a moan escapes Seb.

Lewis doesn’t leave him any time to adjust, and he presses himself up against Seb’s body, starts grinding against him, his hands tangled in blonde hair. He kisses him hard, more teeth now than lips, gasping against Sebastian’s half open mouth.

“Please, please, please, please,” he whispers between kisses.

Lewis has clasped himself around Sebastian, his hands buried in blonde hair, his legs crossed over Seb’s back. The younger one is overpowered by sheer lust and unable to form any coherent thoughts. The only thing he can do is feel; the naked skin against his own, the pressure against his groin growing harder, the heat spreading through his body.

Sleeping with Lewis is easy. They don’t need any words, don’t need to ask questions, it feels safe; it feels like coming home. They understand each other in a way no one else can.

Like the first time, Lewis prepares himself. Sebastian presses featherlight kisses against Lewis’ lips who is already writhing underneath him, reduced to a mess of moans.

“Do you have a condom?” Due to Seb technically being spoken for, he doesn’t carry them around with him, but Lewis seems to have thought about that beforehand.

“Right pocket,” he mumbles, his eyes pressed together, fists buried in the sheets. “You definitely came here with a purpose,” Seb mumbles when he searches for Lewis’ sweatpants that have somehow gotten lost in the bed. The comment earns him a kick from Lewis and Seb chuckles.

“This is not the time to be sassy, hurry up!”

He is finally triumphant in locating the pants and fumbles to get the condom out of the pocket. Quickly ripping it open, he pulls it over himself, having to concentrate hard as his hands are shaking too much.

“Sebastian, come on!” Lewis whines, locking his feet behind Seb’s legs and pulling him towards his body again.

“I’m here, I’m here,” Seb says in a soothing voice, propped up on his left arm whilst lining himself up against Lewis with his right one.

“Please tell me when it hurts, okay?”

Lewis just nods, pressing his lips together, his head thrown back, so Seb has a full view of Lewis’ neck. He gulps, pressing a kiss on Lewis’ Adam’s apple, before slowly pushing into the other man.

When Lewis hisses, Seb stops immediately in his motions.

“No, no, don’t stop, just keep going, I’m okay.”

Seb finds Lewis’ hands digging into the sheets and intertwines them with his own, positioning them next to Lewis’ face. Lewis has his eyes pressed close, his forehead wrinkled.

“Lew, I don’t want to hurt you,” Sebastian mumbles, pressing a kiss against Lewis’ forehead.

“You’re not. Please.”

With a sigh, the blonde gives in and slowly starts to bury himself deeper. He has to restrain himself from just pushing in, the desire being so overwhelming that his mind is swept empty. The only thing he can think of is Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis.

After what feels like ten minutes, Sebastian has finally bottomed out. Pressing his forehead against Lewis’, he stays like that for a moment, enjoying the feeling of being one with the other man, of not knowing where he ends and Lewis begins.

“You okay?” he mumbles and when Lewis nods, Seb slowly starts to pull out again. They quickly find a rhythm that feels so familiar, even though it has been some time since they’ve last been in this situation. For a few minutes the world is reduced to just the two of them; naked skin on naked skin, open mouths pressing against each other, too wound up to actually kiss, hot breaths hitting against sweaty skin.

When Seb feels the heat in his stomach growing even more intense, he releases Lewis’ right hand and lets his own wander down Lewis’ side, halting once he can close it around the other man’s dick.

He feels Lewis twitch beneath him, moaning Seb’s name, too far gone to be able to form any accurate words. He starts to jerk him off in rhythm with his thrusts, pressing his forehead against Lewis’.

“I’m so close,” Lewis moans, straightening up a bit so he can press his lips against Sebastian’s once again.

“It’s okay, just let go. I’ve got you,” Seb mumbles against his lips. Lewis lets out a small sob, his hips rocking up against Sebastian’s once more before he comes with Seb’s name on his lips. The other man lets out a string of curses, most of the words in German which Lewis doesn’t understand, and he follows him shortly after that.

Silence spreads out across the room when the two men regain their breaths once again, Seb having slid out of Lewis and lying down next to him. Tired and worn out, Sebastian caresses the hot and sweaty skin, pressing a kiss against Lewis’ shoulders.

He hasn’t opened his eyes yet, but Seb can see that tears are running down his cheeks once again, merging with the sweat that is drying on his skin.

“Lew,” he says softly, but the other man just shakes his head, pressing it deeper into the pillow. With a sigh, Seb gets up and walks into the bathroom. He throws the condom into the bin, before cleaning himself up.

Taking a moment for himself, his hands grip around the cold stone of the sink and he looks up, meeting his own gaze in the mirror. There’s someone staring back at him, whom Seb doesn’t recognize; or more accurately, someone he doesn’t want to recognize. The guilt over what they’ve just done again washes over him and he can’t stop picturing Hanna in his mind who’s probably asleep in their bed right now, their two girls by her side.

The words Lewis has thrown at him a few hours ago still sting, even though he knows that he hasn’t meant them the way they came out. That doesn’t change the truth they carry, however. Sebastian is apparently not able to lead a healthy relationship, neither for Hanna nor for himself.

The last hour has just shown Sebastian how predictable he is when it comes to Lewis, how little he needs to give in to his feelings, how easy it comes to him to put Lewis first. A feeling of nausea is taking over, mixed with disgust at himself as well as at his non-existent self-control, and Seb has to swallow hard to keep it down. Lowering his head, he fixes his eyes on the drop of water that’s hanging from the tap, the excess water growing bigger until it’s big enough to surrender to gravity.

He hates himself for being so quick to gamble his family and his life just to get a few moments with Lewis where he can pretend that what they’re doing is real, that it’s okay - that Lewis feels the same.

Of course it’s convincing, all of it is. The touches, the moans, the kisses, the gazes. It’s easy to feel like all of that is happening because of him, because Lewis wants to have these moments with him and only him. But those thoughts are gone as soon as they stop, Lewis’ lips leaving his, the painted skin too far away to whisper any more of those beautiful lies into his ears.

And when his eyes meet Lewis’ afterwards, he can clearly see the sadness reflected in his brown eyes, the regret that he’s just Sebastian, not Nico.
It hurts; it hurts so much that Sebastian feels as if his lungs were pierced but he’s thankful for that pain. It brings him back to reality.

After a few minutes he goes back again, a damp washcloth in one, and a glass full of water in the other hand. Lewis is still lying on the bed, but his face is dry and his eyes open, staring at the ceiling. Seb sits down next to him, putting the glass on the nightstand, before carefully cleaning up the other man, his hands lingering longer on the soft skin than they probably should. He throws the cloth in the direction of the bathroom door, taking Lewis’ hands into his after that.

“Hey, you okay? Come on, sit up for a minute. You probably haven’t had anything to drink in the last hours and I don’t want you waking up with a headache tomorrow morning.”

Lewis doesn’t resist when Seb pulls him up.

He takes the glass into his hands and starts sipping the cold water. When he’s done, he leans back against the bed frame. His eyes are red from the tears, but his lips are curled into a small smile. His dark brown hair is tousled up and his lips full and red from kissing.

He has never looked more beautiful to Sebastian.

Seb has to turn away when the thought crosses his mind and instead searches for his briefs among the clothes on the ground. When he finds them, he quickly stands up to pull them on.

“You can stay here for tonight, if you don’t want to get back to your room.” Turning around, he sees that Lewis has already put on his boxers as well, giving him a grateful smile.

“Thank you Seb, for everything. Really, I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

Seb feels heat rising up in his cheeks and averts his gaze towards the ground.

“Always.”

He gets back into bed after that, lying flat on his back so Lewis is able to position his head on his chest right beneath Seb’s chin. He intertwines their hands on his stomach, his fingers playing with the rings on Lewis’ hand.

“I’m sorry for bringing you into this position… again,” Lewis finally mumbles against his skin, his voice sounding tired. Seb doesn’t have to ask what he means but, instead of letting the thoughts come back and overwhelm him, he just shakes his head, pressing a kiss on top of Lewis’ head.

“It’s okay. Good night, Lew.”

“Night, Seb.”

They have a team meeting early on Monday morning. Sleep still heavy in his bones, Sebastian has to drag himself to the meeting room, slumping down on one of the chairs. It takes a lot of effort to not just lay his head on top of the table and get a few more minutes of sleep. He gives his race engineer a thankful nod when he wordlessly puts a cup of tea in front of him.

The night has been way too short for him; he hasn't been able to fall asleep because he felt like he needed to absorb as much time as he could get with Lewis cuddled into him, his arm draped around Seb’s body, his head placed on his chest. Seb has spent most of the night looking at the ceiling, trying to focus on Lewis’ deep breaths, ingraining the feeling of the other man’s body on top of his in his mind.

“Sebastian, are you with us?”

Maurizio is looking at him with a piercing gaze, and Sebastian has to fight against the blush that creeps up his neck.

“Yeah, sorry, go on.”

He’s trying to follow the meeting as best as he can; fortunately, it’s just a quick debrief after yesterday’s race and not an in-depth analysis of the data. Seb definitely would not have been able to focus on numbers this morning.

He feels Kimi’s stare on him during most of the meeting and he tries to console the other one with a small smile, hoping it will ease the worry off of Kimi’s face, but it doesn’t quite work out as well as he hoped for.

When Maurizio ends the meeting, Sebastian just wants to go back to his room and get half an hour worth of sleep before he has to head to the airport. But Kimi stops him in his tracks, holding him back with a hand wrapped around his wrist.

“Do you have a moment,” he grumbles and Seb sighs defeated, but nods anyway. They wait until the rest of the team is out of the room, leaving the two drivers to themselves. Kimi leans against the wall and eyes Sebastian up and down, before giving him a disapproving look, his eyebrow raised up high.

Seb doesn’t really know how to respond to that, so he just lets himself fall back into one of the chairs, sliding down until he can lean his head against the back of the chair and closes his eyes.

They stay like this for a few seconds, until Kimi clears his throat, audibly requesting Seb to open his eyes again.

“Lewis and Nico?”

Even though Sebastian is used to the way Kimi talks by now, using as few words as he can, he sometimes still struggles to understand what his teammate wants to say. Especially with two hours of sleep and only one cup of green tea. So he just tilts his head lightly, shooting Kimi a confused look.

“Huh?”

Clearly annoyed, Kimi rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“Lewis and Nico broke up again?”

Sebastian just grows more confused at that. Not a lot of people know about Lewis and Nico, and he is pretty sure that Kimi would be one of the last drivers Lewis would tell. Not because Kimi wouldn’t be able to keep it to himself, but because the two of them don’t really share any kind of relationship other than sitting next to each other in press conferences from time to time.

“Oh, come on, Seb, anyone with eyes knows that there’s something going on. And it was pretty obvious in yesterday’s press conference that something happened. So, Lewis came to you again?”

Left speechless, Seb just gapes at his teammate who lets out an amused chuckle, his eyebrow still raised up high.

“Just because I don’t talk much doesn’t mean I don’t see things.”

“I guess…”

When Kimi doesn’t answer, but instead sends Seb a prompting glance, the younger one caves.

“Yeah, they broke up again. I think it’s for good this time though,” he mumbles, not really wanting to get into too much detail as it isn’t his story to tell and he’s sure Lewis wouldn’t appreciate Seb just spilling the beans.

“And he came to you?”

Sebastian can’t fight the blush this time, so he lowers his head and stares at his intertwined hands instead of Kimi. He doesn’t even know why he’s blushing, it’s not as if Kimi would know what has happened between him and Lewis (again) - he has merely asked the blonde if Lewis came to him afterwards which could mean nothing and anything at the same time.

But he somehow can’t shake the feeling that Kimi already knows; after all, he has seen the two of them making out behind the hotel where the Istanbul Gala has taken place a few years ago.

When Kimi lets out another annoyed sigh, Seb looks up again, a bashful gaze in his eyes.

“Oh, come on, Seb. Don’t play dumb with me.”

“Yeah, he came.”

“And you let him? Again?”

Sebastian is still not entirely sure if they’re talking about what he thinks they’re talking about, so he once again opts for silence and avoids Kimi’s eyes. His shoelaces definitely look a lot more interesting than he’s ever thought shoelaces could look.

By now, Kimi is growing restless and he’s pushing away from the wall, sitting down next to Sebastian. He kicks against Seb’s foot, definitely with more force than would be necessary and Seb can’t hold back the “Ouch” that slips out of his mouth. He shoots Kimi an irritated look and rubs his ankle where he’s hit him.

Leaning forward, his arms on his legs, Kimi keeps his icy blue eyes on Seb, making him squirm in front of him within seconds.

“Cut the crap, Vettel. You’re way too obvious when it comes to Lewis. It’s a wonder no one’s started questioning it yet, because you’re definitely not good at hiding it. I just don’t understand why you do it. You’ve got Hanna and the kids back at home and Lewis apparently always chooses Nico. Does he even know you’re in love with him?”

Sebastian chokes on his own spit, his eyes bulging as he starts coughing.

He’s been avoiding saying these words out loud in connection to Lewis, never dared to lay his feelings bare like that, so when Kimi confronts him with them, Seb doesn’t know how to deal with it.

When Seb can breathe again, Kimi’s gaze has turned sympathetic, a sad smile on his face.

“I’m sorry for confronting you like this. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay ‘cause you didn’t seem to be okay. You can’t keep on letting Lewis use you whenever he wants to. And it’s your choice in the end, but you should definitely stop cheating on Hanna. It’s not you.”

Seb doesn’t think he’s ever heard Kimi talk that much before and he’s still left speechless, not daring to open his mouth because he doesn’t know what would come out of it. Instead, he keeps on playing with the wedding ring on his right hand, thinking about what Kimi has just told him.

After a few moments pass, he swallows hard, trying to get the lump out of his throat to be able to talk without a quivering voice.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, ‘cause it’s torture. Seeing him walk out of the room this morning after last night was the hardest thing I had to do in a long time and I’ve been trying so hard to resist him, Kimi, I swear I’ve been trying to be faithful to Hanna, but I just-”

When his voice breaks, Seb buries his head in his hands, covering his eyes. Kimi doesn’t need to see him break down even more than he’s already allowed himself to. It’s hard to keep the tears from welling up in his eyes; Sebastian’s so tired, tired of the weekend, tired of always caving in to Lewis, tired of himself, and it doesn’t help that his nerves are already on edge from racing anyway.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, softly squeezing it. Kimi usually doesn’t do physical contact, so Seb knows he’s looking absolutely miserable right now.

“Seb, I’m not gonna act as if I know what it feels like. I mean I can partly understand why you’re doing it, but you’re so much better than cheating on your wife just for pretending there’s more between you and Lewis for one night. Because there isn’t.”

His heart aches when he hears Kimi say those words, because he knows it’s true, sees it in Lewis’ eyes whenever he looks at him. Knows he’ll never be like Nico to Lewis, because Nico was Lewis’ first in every way and deep inside Sebastian is sure Lewis will never love anyone as much as he loves Nico. But there’s still some part in him trying to fight against it, trying to fight against all the odds because Lewis is somehow worth all of what he has to go through.

“I know that I swear I do…” His lip starts to quiver again, and he bites down, shakily drawing in a breath. His hands try to paint in the air what he’s struggling to put into words, but it doesn’t bring his point across either.

“Lewis has been in my life for such a long time, that it’s hard to imagine it without him. We’ve tried that once before, after the Istanbul gala, but I can’t do that again, I can’t lose him again. That’s even worse than knowing I can’t have him, because that only makes it hard to breathe, but when he’s not there I don’t feel like I can breathe at all. Not having him close is suffocating me.”

Kimi’s hand is still on his shoulder and Seb is thankful for the light pressure his teammate applies, grounding him in the here and now, keeping him from vanishing in the swirl of thoughts that’s threatening to pull him in.

When Seb looks up again, Kimi seems lost for words. He’s wearing the stoic expression he’s known for on his face, but the light blue eyes seem warmer than usual, more sympathetic. Before Kimi can reply however, Seb starts speaking again.

“It won’t happen again, I need all of my energy to focus on Ferrari and winning the championship. Whatever I feel for Lewis won’t get in the way of our team, I promise.”

Sebastian feels leigh weighted, his mind is slowing down, and he wishes for nothing more than to feel the soft fabric of a cushion underneath his head.

“I know that Seb. This wasn’t supposed to make you feel guilty. I’m genuinely worried about you. I know you will always give all you have for the team, no matter what is going on.”

Sending Kimi a thankful smile, Seb reaches up and covers his hand with his own, squeezing it lightly.

“Thank you, Kimi. It means a lot.”

“Just… promise to talk to me, if you need someone, okay?”

Sebastian just nods at him, trying to stifle a yawn, but he’s unable to do so. Kimi chuckles at that and pats his shoulder whilst straightening up.

“Come on. Let’s get a few more minutes of sleep.”

Chapter Text

When Sebastian gets out of the car he is fuming. It takes him longer than usual to detach the steering wheel, his hands still shaking from the rage that hasn’t died down during the last laps, his mind too focused on the restart after the second safety car.

Britta tries to console him when he’s back in the garage, but Sebastian can’t really hear what she’s saying, the blood rushing through his ears is overpowering every sound coming from around him.

He somehow gets through the interviews, trying to supress the anger that is running through his veins, opting for sarcasm when he’s asked about the situation between him and Lewis. He knows he only fuels the fire like that, knows that he will probably get told off by Ferrari afterwards, but he doesn’t care at that moment.

It’s only thanks to Britta and Angela that the two men don’t start a fight in the middle of the paddock when their gazes meet once the interviews are over. They get them back to the hotel without an incident, not erasing any of the anger and disappointment Sebastian and Lewis feel in one another, however.

“Seb, can you please promise that you’ll stay in your room and blow off some steam there? We don’t need a picture of you and Lewis in a fight in the media tomorrow. Do you understand me?”

Britta rolls her eyes when she doesn’t get a reply from the blonde who’s just sat down in one of the armchairs, his jaw clenched, and his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“I wish I could lock you in here, but I guess I’m not allowed to do that.”

A snort escapes Seb’s lips but he doesn’t relax his features, the scorn still deep on his face. Throwing her arms in the air in a defeated way, Britta gives him one last exasperated look, then she turns on her feet and walks to the door. Before she steps through it, she turns around one more time, a piercing gaze in her eyes.

“I’m warning you, Seb. If I see or hear anything from the two of you, I’ll resign, and you’ll have to do all of this shit on your own.”

The blonde woman doesn’t even wait for an answer before closing the door behind her, leaving a sulky and still fuming Sebastian behind.

“Sure, whatever you say” Seb throws against the already closed door, knowing fully well that Britta won’t hear his words anymore. It’s probably better this way.

There’s a tiny part within Sebastian that’s scared she will keep her word and actually resign - which would definitely end in a disaster for him - but the rest of him simply waits for another five minutes, then pushes himself out of the chair and down the corridor until he is standing in front of Lewis’ room, the loud and irritated sound of his fist knocking against the wood echoing through the hallway.

Lewis opens the door within seconds, momentarily startling Sebastian, his hand still high up in the air. But when Lewis' eyes squeeze together, his jaw clenching, and his eyebrows furrowing, the anger is boiling hot in Seb’s body again.

He doesn’t even ask if he can enter the room, just storms past Lewis, who grunts in response and closes the door harder than necessary behind him. He looks as mad as Sebastian feels; arms are crossed in front of his chest, his body and face radiating tension.

Their gazes meet and even though the two men stand at least five metres apart, Seb can see the anger sparkling in Lewis’ eyes.

“Why the hell did you brake-test me?”

Sebastian cracks first, his voice cold and sharp like a knife.

“I didn’t brake-test you! I don’t even know why you would think that!”

Sebastian has experienced Lewis being happy, giddy, sad, tired and defeated in the past, but he’s never seen him that angry before, definitely not with the anger directed at himself. Right now, however, he is seething, his shoulders shaking and his whole body tense.

“Of course you did, you went round the corner and braked afterwards when I had no chance of seeing it! As if I would just drive straight into your car, are you mad?!”

Sneering, Lewis tilts his head in a mocking way.

“Sure, you’d never drive into me. And after you hit me from behind? Must’ve been my imagination hitting the side of my car then, right?”

“I wouldn’t have hit you the first time, if you hadn’t brake-tested me!”

“Fucking hell, I DIDN’T BRAKE-TEST YOU.”

They’re both full on yelling by now, gazes locked, their heart rates increasing. Sebastian has never felt more annoyed by Lewis in his life and it’s such a strange sensation that it seems to fuel his anger even more.

“YES, YOU DID, JUST ADMIT IT WAS YOUR FAULT.”

Lewis has taken a few steps towards him, his arms down by his sides now, hands balled into fists. He’s breathing hard through his nose, his lips pressed together in a thin line. Lewis is trying to hold himself back from screaming, knowing that the walls of the hotel aren’t that thick and it’s not unlikely that someone walking down the corridor might hear every word they’re yelling at each other. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s still extremely pissed off at his best friend, though.

“It was not my fucking fault, Sebastian, the only one screwing up was you! You nearly cost me the fucking championship.”

Seb would love to say that he has just as much, or even more, control over himself, than Lewis, but truth be told, that self-control is currently being washed down the drain. Seething, he takes a step towards Lewis as well, the two of them now only a small distance apart.

“I don’t fucking CARE about your championship! I couldn’t even try to win because I got a penalty for the mistake YOU MADE.”

Lewis digs his finger into Seb’s chest, their bodies only separated by a few centimetres.

“You got a freaking penalty, because YOU drove straight into my car!”

The heat spreading through the room turns uncomfortable and makes it harder to breathe for both of them. It raises the hairs on Sebastian’s neck in an anticipatory way, goosebumps forming on his skin.
The tension in the room is getting so thick that it could be cut with a knife and Seb can’t avert his gaze, his cold blue eyes locked with Lewis’ dark brown ones. He’s still fuming and, in comparison to the other man, he is unable to keep his voice down.

“BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU BRAKE-TESTED ME!”

That’s all it takes to make Lewis snap, the older one pushing Sebastian back against the ugly yellow wall of the room and Seb doesn’t know whether he should be proud or scared that he could force Lewis to break character that easily.

“God, Sebastian, why are you so FUCKING IRRITATING RIGHT NOW?!”

With his back pressed against the wall and Lewis crowding his personal space from the front, Sebastian has a hard time concentrating on what he wanted to say just a minute ago. He can feel Lewis’ hot and damp breath hitting against his slightly parted lips, Lewis breathing hard, his chest moving up and down in an irregular motion.

Not able to stop himself in his tracks, Sebastian lowers his eyes to Lewis’ mouth, watching the Mercedes driver licking over his dry lips to moisten them. Seb swallows hard and presses back against the wall, trying to get as much space between him and Lewis as he can.

Clearing his throat, he forces himself to lift his gaze again. He tries to remember what he’s just wanted to say before Lewis has pushed him back against the wall, but his anger is currently merging with a heat that’s starting to coil in his stomach, rising up through his whole body.

So instead of forming coherent words, the only thing that leaves his mouth when he opens it to answer is a ragged breath. The blonde scrambles for anything, but there’s not a lot that makes sense, so he just turns Lewis’ words around, using them against the older one.

“You’re fucking irritating!”

Lewis lets out an incredulous sound, halfway between a snort and a laugh.

“That’s the shittiest comeback I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Sebastian rolls his eyes at that, still too annoyed at Lewis to take it as a joke.

“Sure, Mr. I-always-have-to-have-the-last-fucking-word-or-else-I’ll-die-on-the-spot.”

When anger flashes up in Lewis' eyes once again, Sebastian has to stifle the smirk that’s threatening to form on his lips. He’s not in the mood to make up already, the frustration and anger still settled too deeply in his bones.

Lewis is standing even closer now, their bodies pressed together and there’s an odd feeling of exhilaration mixing with the negative emotions in his stomach, making his skin itch and his fingertips tingle.

“Sure, ‘cause you’re so much better, Mr. Know-it-all.”

Sebastian groans, throwing his head back against the wall in exasperation.

“Can you never shut up?”

“Make me.”

Their gazes meet for a second and Sebastian knows precisely what Lewis means with this, can see the dare as well as the certainty that Seb will never do what he has just implied behind Lewis’ eyes, assuming that he’s won this round because the younger one will yield.

So he does exactly the opposite of what Lewis expects.

When their lips meet it’s more of a clashing together than an actual kiss, too much adrenaline and pent-up frustration pumping through their veins, shutting down their minds. Lewis lets out a surprised gasp, but kisses back without hesitation, his fingers immediately making their way into the soft blonde hair. He tugs on some of the strands, satisfied when Sebastian hisses against his lips. In return, the younger one grazes his teeth along Lewis’ lower lip, biting down harder than he would normally do, but it does its job and a breathless moan leaves Lewis’ mouth.

“You just can’t stop being fucking irritating, can you?” Lewis groans against Sebastian’s lips, kissing him more forceful than before, need and desire battling against the anger and frustration in the air around the two men.

"Shut up!”

Sebastian’s fingers find their way underneath Lewis’ team shirt, his nails scratching along the spine, leaving marks against the skin no one but him will be able to see.

Breaking their kiss for a second, Sebastian is panting for air, trying to fill his aching lungs after having them deprived of air far too long. Lewis takes the opportunity to kiss down Seb's neck, sucking on a spot of light skin, biting down harder than necessary. It does the trick, and he gets rewarded by a sharp intake of breath followed by a moan that hits home deep in Lewis’ stomach.

Grinning against Sebastian’s neck, one of Lewis’ hands loosens its hold on the blonde hair and instead wanders down and between their bodies, palming against Seb’s erection that stands out clearly against the soft fabric of his training shorts. He’s pressing against the younger man with all of his own weight, pinning him hard against the wall. Lewis can’t help but cackle when Seb lets out another moan, his fingers digging deep into the muscles of Lewis’ back.

“Didn’t know you like it hard” Lewis whispers in Seb’s ear, before biting his earlobe and licking over it right after.

Sebastian just grunts and when he opens his eyes the blue irises sparkle with suppressed anger.

“Fuck you” he spats against Lewis, but the breathless sound to his voice takes the menace away and Lewis just laughs, knowing fully well he’s riling up the younger one even more.

“I think you can do a better job at that.”

Before Sebastian can even attempt to answer, Lewis kisses him again, his tongue slipping into Seb’s mouth. Somewhere between Lewis licking into his mouth and Lewis’ hand sliding into his shorts to grip around his dick, Sebastian feels the frustration and anger leaving his body, making room for a burning desire.

Pushing back against the older one, Seb leads them blindly through the room until they hit the bed. Lewis stumbles when he feels the wood against his legs and falls back, pulling Sebastian with him.

Breaking apart just for a second, Sebastian uses the chance to pull Lewis’ shirt over his head, straightening up a bit when he does the same to him.

Lewis seems to have calmed down as well, their kiss turning slower and their hands roaming over the other’s sweaty skin get less aggressive, adapting to a more tender touch.

There’s still some frustration in the back of Sebastian’s mind but at the same time he can’t stop himself from enjoying this, can’t stop himself from seeking as much of that naked skin against his own as it’s physically possible, his mind only concentrating on the moans and gasps that are leaving Lewis’ mouth.

His hands hold tight against Lewis’ hips, sure that they will leave some kind of bruise for the next day, but the thought of it being his mark on Lewis’ body turns him on even more, makes him kiss the man beneath him even harder.

At some point, Lewis succeeds in pulling both their shorts down, the heat in the room increasing to a nearly uncomfortable temperature when their groins touch without a single piece of fabric in between.

Sebastian has to pause for a second, his heart beating so fast that he’s scared it might stop, the pleasure overwhelming his senses. He squeezes his eyes close, his arms trembling underneath his own weight, trying to hold himself up to not bury Lewis underneath his body.

“Already struggling? Damn, I’m good today” Lewis smirks, the grin growing even wider when he wraps his hand around Seb’s dick again and feels a jolt going through Sebastian’s body.

Well, it didn’t take too long for Lewis to be annoying again.

For just a second, Seb considers leaving Lewis naked and achingly hard on his bed, just to see the shocked and needy look on his face, to feel some of the power he might have over Lewis. But that would mean he’d have to get off on his own as well and that would just not do any justice to the situation they’re currently in.

Instead, he opens his eyes and keeps them locked with Lewis’ while his right hand lightly strokes over Lewis' dick, before wandering further back, pressing against the warm skin, smirking when Lewis involuntarily opens his legs wider.

“Fuck, Seb.”

When Lewis throws his head back, Sebastian can’t help but admire the view in front of him, can’t take his eyes off Lewis' neck, eagerly following the movements his Adam's apple makes when he moans again.

“Lube is in the bedside table.”

Sebastian refrains from commenting on this, instead he just reaches over and opens the drawer. It takes him a moment to grasp the bottle, blindly searching for it in the drawer because he can’t take his gaze off of Lewis who’s lying in front of him looking so unfairly beautiful with his stupidly handsome face.

His fingers close around the bottle, and he fishes it out, not bothering with closing the drawer again. Lewis feels him hesitating for a second and opens his eyes again, a questioning look on his features.

“I’ve never done this before.”

A flush spreads over Seb’s cheeks, painting them a scarlet red, when Lewis raises an eyebrow, his brown eyes shining with confusion.

“‘Course you did? I didn’t think it was that bad that you actually forgot about it. Twice.”

If possible, Sebastian’s cheeks turn even darker and Lewis has to hold himself back from saying something absolutely stupid, like calling Seb adorable. Sebastian rubs his hand over his neck, his gaze averted to the bed, away from Lewis’ piercing eyes.

“No, like. I’ve never prepared you.” He’s trying to get the words out as fast as possible, nearly stumbling over them when they leave his lips, but Lewis doesn’t laugh at him, doesn’t tell him he should just get a grip.

Instead, he takes the lube that’s lying next to him in his hands and opens it, squeezing a bit of it on Seb’s fingers.

“Just, spread it a bit. That’s going to warm it up and make it less uncomfortable. And then just be careful. I promise I’ll tell you if I need you to stop.”

Lewis’ hoarse voice makes Seb’s stomach do a little flip, but he does as he is told, and his fingertips are circling around Lewis’ entrance. It’s the weirdest sensation he’s ever felt when he presses against the muscle, his fingertip sliding into the heat of Lewis’ body. But it seems to do the job, because Lewis can’t stay silent, his mouth parted, a sigh rolling over his lips.

Encouraged by Lewis’ bliss, he goes on, carefully opening the other man up, the heat building up once again when he sees the effect he has on Lewis.

“Okay, you need to stop or else I’ll just come right now” Lewis moans, his hands grabbing hard onto the blanket below him. But Sebastian keeps going, loving the power he holds over Lewis a little bit too much right now. He changes the angle of his fingers and suddenly Lewis’ whole body constricts before he arches his back up, moaning so loud that Seb is momentarily scared someone might hear them.

“Sebastian, fuck.”

The sight of Lewis beneath him, a whimpering and writhing mess, makes Sebastian’s breath hitch in his throat and his skin feels like it’s burning. All of the bitterness and anger from a few minutes ago is gone, his emotions getting the better of him. There’s a short moment where Seb can feel the butterflies crawling out of the corner he banned them to, stretching their wings for the first time in what feels like years, making him feel light and giddy; he feels as if he is sitting on a roller coaster on the highest point of the track, mere seconds from descending into open air. Sebastian is pretty sure he could get drunk off this feeling, could get drunk off Lewis in front of him; he never knew anyone could make him feel like that.

“Seb, please.”

Finally giving in to Lewis’ pleas, Seb slides his fingers out, wiping them clean against the blanket. He leans forward, capturing Lewis’ mouth in a slow kiss to give him some time to calm down again. But Lewis seems to have other plans, because even though he’s kissing back, he stretches his arm as far as he can, rummaging through the drawer of the bedside table.

Seb can’t help but laugh against Lewis’ lips, pressing a last kiss on them, before straightening up again.

“Eager much?”

Lewis just grumbles and sends him a look that is probably supposed to be annoyed, but his eyes only reflect the lust and need that is currently coursing through his veins. He rips the package open, throwing it over the edge of the bed, before wrapping his hands around Seb’s dick again. Moaning, Seb leans his forehead against Lewis’, his eyes closed as Lewis lets his fingertips dance playfully over the soft skin, before he rolls the condom over it.

It takes him a bit longer than he wants to, but Seb has started kissing down his neck, sucking on the skin that Lewis is so willingly presenting, and Lewis’ fingers start to tremble in anticipation.

Positioning himself, Sebastian sends Lewis a questioning look, silently asking for permission to go on. Lewis just gives him a lopsided smile, his arms wrapping around the younger one’s back, pulling him even closer. Slowly pushing inside, Seb has to hold himself back from just simply burying himself in Lewis in one go, the heat and tightness of Lewis’ body is nearly too sweet to just take one small taste at a time.

It feels achingly slow, taking all of Sebastian’s self-control and he can feel the sweat forming on his forehead. When he’s finally buried deep in the older one, Sebastian presses one hand on the mattress next to Lewis’ shoulders, the other one grips his hip firmly, his fingers digging into the soft skin.

“Can I move?”

Lewis has his eyes pressed tightly together and his head is pushing down against the cushion underneath it. He has to remind himself to breathe again while getting used to the feeling of someone being inside him; it’s been a long time and it is so overwhelming that he doesn’t know which sensation he’s supposed to concentrate on. Blindly searching for Seb’s hand next to his face, he detangles the fingers from the blanket and intertwines their hands, getting a soft kiss against his lips in return.

“Yeah, move” he finally croaks, his free hand gripping around Sebastian’s waist in the desperate attempt to find something - anything - to hold onto when Seb starts moving. His first thrusts are slow and uncertain; he doesn’t know how much strength to use, doesn’t want to hurt Lewis. But the man beneath him soon grows restless, too riled up to be satisfied with the slow pace in which Sebastian is moving.

His hand slides down Seb’s back and lands on his ass, impatiently forcing Sebastian to quicken his pace. Lewis relishes in the surprised moan that Sebastian can’t hold back, and he leaves his hand where it is, his fingers gripping hard into the skin.

Their rhythm gets harder and messier, the pants of both men echoing off the high walls of the hotel room. Seb buries his nose in Lewis’ neck, breathing in the scent that’s so typically Lewis mixed with the sweat that’s forming on his skin.

Seb’s body and mind are purely running on adrenaline and desire by now and when Lewis doesn’t stop moaning his name, he wraps his hand around Lewis’ dick, jerking him off in an unsteady rhythm.

Lewis turns his head, his lips searching for Sebastian’s, searching for an outlet for all of the emotions that are currently trying to break out of his body. They kiss messily, more panting than an actual movement of their mouths against each other. When Lewis comes, it feels so much more intimate that way, however. Feeling his own name hitting against his lips whilst Lewis doesn’t know where up and down is anymore, getting undone underneath Sebastian with the blonde’s name on his lips, is the last push Seb needs.

“You’ve got something on your neck” Kimi says instead of a Good morning or How are you, his eyes resting on a spot on Sebastian’s neck where Lewis couldn’t stop himself from sucking on last night.

“Maybe you should consider getting some make-up to cover up your one-night stand. Can it even still be called that? More like a three-night stand stretching out over a few years, probably.”

Sebastian ignores Kimi, ignores the shame that’s embracing his whole body, ignores the disappointment in those light blue eyes that keep staring at him from a distance when they make their way down the hallway of the hotel to get to the car that will bring them to the airport. He zips up the jacket he’s wearing, hiding the spot a bit better, and puts his sunglasses on.

He’s tired and feels hung-over, as if he’s had way too much alcohol last night. Instead, it’s just the aftereffects of getting drunk on Lewis and sex.

“You’ll never learn, will you?”

No, he will probably not. And he can’t even blame Lewis for this one; if anyone is at fault, it’s probably himself. Sebastian doesn’t reply; he stares straight ahead, his mouth pressed into a thin line.

Britta meets them outside, eyeing Seb with a raised eyebrow, her arms crossed in front of her body. The wind has picked up overnight and carries a cold with it, sending a chill down Sebastian’s spine. When a car pulls up in front of them, Britta opens the door and waits for them to get in. Before Seb can get inside, however, she wraps a hand around his wrist, holding him back.

“Thanks for not making a scene yesterday, I appreciate it.”

The snort coming from inside the car sends another jolt of guilt through Seb’s body and he gets into the cab without a reply, avoiding Kimi’s accusing gaze as well as Britta’s confused one for the whole journey. Whilst fumbling with his fingers, attempting to get the nervousness that is running through his whole body under control, he tries to come to terms with last night, tries to come to terms with how easily Lewis seems to be able to forget about it.

When Seb stood at the door about to leave Lewis’ room after they’d woken up in the morning with their legs entangled and Seb’s head Lewis' chest, Lewis just let out an embarrassed chuckle.

“I guess it’s true that sex helps to ease tension.”

“I guess, yeah.”

“Are we okay?”

Seb sighed, not sure how often they’d had to answer that question in the past already, but he nodded, pulling Lewis in for a hug.

“You’re gonna tell Hanna about it?”

“Don’t think it would do any good, would it?”

Leaning against the window of the car, Sebastian starts to count all the red lights they have to stop at, his mind searching for anything to hold on to, so he doesn’t have to think about how he’s turning into a person he’s never wanted to be.

It’s ironic how he can only truly be himself around Lewis, but at the same time Lewis unintentionally brings out the worst in him, making him cheat on and lie to his wife once again.

Chapter Text

2018

His hands are still shaking, fingers digging into the thick fabric of his racing suit to stop them from trembling, even though he’s been out of the car for more than ten minutes already. But the adrenaline, the excitement and the joy, this irrepressible joy, that makes him feel as if he could tear trees out of the earth with his bare hands, makes it hard to slow his breathing down, makes it near impossible to stop his heart from leaping every other second.

Running his fingers through his sweaty hair, he can’t hold back the laughter that’s bubbling up his throat and Valtteri just gives him a knowing smile, content to bask in the joy that’s radiating off Sebastian. He’s talking with his hands and feet, recounting a specific situation to Val before his eyes fall on the screen on the wall that’s been captivating all of Lewis’ attention for the last few minutes.

Lewis has been uncharacteristically quiet in the cool down room, keeping to himself after throwing Seb a tired smile and a thumbs up when the race winner has entered the room a bit later than the two Mercedes drivers.

They’re showing the fight between Max and Lewis on the screen right now and Sebastian follows the movement of the dark blue car whilst observing his best friend’s reaction out of the corner of his eyes. Lewis rolls his eyes at the slow motion, lifting the towel to wipe the sweat off his face.

“He’s such a dickhead.”

It slips over Lewis’ lips and Sebastian has to turn away from him, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead, hiding the smile behind his hand when he notices the cameras are still pointed right at them. Lewis doesn’t often lose his cool but when he does it usually never has the desired effect, at least not on Seb. To him, Lewis looks about as menacing as a tiny kitten; a tiny kitten with a filthy mouth sometimes, but that doesn’t take the tiny kitten out of the equation.

Seb is glad about the buzz in the cool down room because that means that at least no one other than Lewis and Valtteri have heard the snort coming out of his mouth. It does lift the corners of Lewis’ lips for a split second though.

Stepping next to his friend, their backs towards the camera, Seb softly bumps his shoulder against the other man’s.

“You alright?” he mumbles, taking one of the water bottles off the counter.

His eyes don’t leave Lewis when he unscrews the bottles, focusing on the single bead of sweat that paves its way down the dark cheek and he quickly takes a large sip out of the bottle, forcing himself to avert his gaze.

It’s pure adrenaline that makes him want to trace the way of the drop of salt water with his tongue.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

Sebastian only has a second to nod before they’re ushered out of the room and up the steps to the ceremony. He tries to stay close to Lewis, using the opportunity when it’s just the three of them in the hallway to grab Lewis’ hand and squeeze it for a split second, before Lewis is called out on the podium.

The smile he gets this time is more open and honest than the one before and it leaves Sebastian a tiny bit breathless, even though he definitely blames that on the adrenaline that’s still keeping his body under an extreme tension.

It’s also the reason why he misses the fond, but exasperated look Valtteri gives him as he observes the fleeting interaction.

Flashing lights, cheering fans, bright, joyful faces beneath them, people calling his name, shouting in glee - standing on the podium will never not have this overwhelming effect on Sebastian.
He loves giving something back to his team and the people who chose to support him, and always have his back. For a short moment, he feels as if he’s on top of the world, standing on the highest mountain, everything he ever wished for right there at his feet.

It feels good, too good, so much that he grumbles like a little child when Britta shoos him in the direction of the press conference room because he’s certain those journalists will find a way - they always do - to bring him back down to earth faster than he can say “championship”.

“Britta, please, please, please. Just let me skip this once, please, I’ll just say we took a wrong turn or something.”

He’s sporting his best puppy eyes and pouting lips, but it all has no effect on the woman tugging him after her. Britta’s rolling her eyes at him, but she’s not able to hide the grin on her face when she hears his stupid idea of skipping the press conference.

“It’s your job, Basti, and you’re the race winner. Don’t you think it would be a bit conspicuous if you’re not there?”

She replies in English for Antti’s sake, who’s giving them a confused look, not entirely sure what Seb has proposed.

“You’re a killjoy,” Seb grumbles, earning a laugh from both his friends.

“What crawled up your ass and died,” Lewis grins when he sees the three of them walking round the corner, his spirits a bit higher after the podium ceremony than before, “shouldn't you be jumping up and down in joy?”

Sebastian takes a quick look around to check if there are any cameras close by - he’s sure his friend already got reprimanded for calling Max a “dickhead” on live TV by Angela. Lewis sees his searching gaze and chuckles, bumping his shoulder against Sebastian’s.

“I already checked no cameras around. Angie will have my head if I’d have another slip up. So, what’s wrong with you?”

“He’s mad at me because I wouldn’t let him skip the press conference,” Britta replies instead of Sebastian, an exasperated tone to her voice.

“Oh god yes, please, let’s skip together,” Lewis laughs, mischief twinkling in his eyes and Seb can’t help but laugh along with him, his feigned annoyance already vanishing.

Britta huffs, the smile still ever so prominent on her lips, and rolls her eyes at them. She turns around to Valtteri, who stands a bit further off and focuses on his phone, an awkward air around him. He never quite knows how to act around Sebastian and Lewis together, they always seem so steadfast, calm and securely built within their friendship so that every little step feels like an intrusion.

He looks up, however, when Britta addresses him.

“Hey Valtteri, can you please make sure they’re not really skipping once I turn my back on them?”

The Fin knows that she’s joking, but he’s indulging her and nods, rolling his eyes at Lewis when his teammate decides to act like a toddler and sticks his tongue out at him. Sometimes the paddock feels more like a kindergarten than a professional working space.

“Val you traitor.”

Valtteri decides not to react to that, relieved when the three of them are finally called into the press conference room. At least then he will have some peace of mind because he’s pretty sure he won’t be getting the main attention today.

“We can still turn around and make a run for it,” Lewis whispers, when Seb holds the door open for him, Sebastian trying to supress the grin that wants to blossom on his lips.

It doesn’t take him long to wish they both would’ve just went with Lewis’ idea rather than sitting through this press conference.

“I believe, if my ears are correct, you used the word dickhead after the race concerning Max Verstappen and the overtake and the contact. Is that correct?”

Seb nearly groans out loud, restraining himself from not showing any kind of obvious reaction to the question that was posed at Lewis. He can see Lewis swallowing, his shoulders drawing up towards his ears as if readying himself for a fight he knows he will get as soon as he opens his mouth.

His lips move before he can stop himself.

“Can I answer that question?”

Seb can hear the nearly inaudible intake of breath to his left, sees Lewis leaning forward on his elbows, the brown eyes wide, staring at him for a few seconds before he averts his gaze again.

The journalist nearly gives him the same incredulous look, confusion seeping into his eyes, but he shrugs and waves his hand in a sort of dismissive manner, telling him to go on.

A low murmur has spread in the room, suddenly everyone seems even more agitated than before, their eyes glued on Sebastian. He’s close to sighing again, his eyes wandering over the people sitting in front him, their pens drawn, hungrily waiting for his next words that could easily be their headline for tomorrow, the icing on the cake.

Sometimes it’s hard not to see these journalists as vultures waiting for the prey in front of them to just die, heads cocked to the side, looking forward to their feast.

He decides to focus on Lewis instead, who’s leaning forward, his arms propped on the table, staring straight forward against the opposite wall of the room. The only reason Seb is able to see the skin over his knuckles turning lighter when Lewis clasps his hands together, his fingers digging into the soft skin of his hands, is because he’s sitting right next to him.

Sebastian knows that his best friend came into this press conference being aware that he would probably be the journalists favourite target of the day after his slip up in the cool down room - because he always is, having made a mistake or not.

He hates that Lewis has had to put on such a thick skin so early in his life and career, being only a kid then, he hates that Lewis always had to be more careful and had to work double as hard as anyone else.

“I think it’s not fair, you know, sometimes,” he nearly stumbles over his words, has to sit up a bit straighter, pauses briefly before continuing, “I don’t know what Lewis did, I’m sure he didn’t, you know, I…”

There are too many thoughts in his mind at the same time, too many things he wants to say, and it takes Seb a moment to sort them out and deliver them in a comprehensible way.

“We have all been in that situation where we fight someone, go wheel to wheel and it’s close and you have a lot of adrenaline going. Do you think, in comparison to football, if you had a microphone on a football player’s mouth that everything he says is something nice and is a nice message, when a guy tackles him and maybe sometimes, he fouls him or not.”

Lewis has been looking at him the whole time, eyes guarded, and hands still clasped together tightly, but now he’s turning away, his lips twitching treacherously.

“I don’t think it’s justified to give us these kinds of shitty questions and make up a story out of nothing, if we’re just racing and we’re full of adrenaline and sometimes, you know, we say those things.”

He’s positive he will be called into an emergency meeting after this, Ferrari probably far from being happy about him taking Lewis’ side, taking a stance for his best friend but also for every other driver who’s already had to answer any of those stupid questions before. But it doesn’t matter to him right now.

“I mean, if I hit you in your face, you’re not gonna tell me, ah, Sebastian, that wasn’t nice,” Seb has to stop to breathe in for a second, having forgotten to provide his body with enough air over the last minute, way too on a roll to focus on anything else than the words coming out of his mouth, “you know, it’s a human reaction. And sometimes I feel it’s all a bit blown up and artificial if we have these questions, trying to make a story out of nothing.”

Attempting to do some damage control, he lifts his hands in an appeasing way towards the journalist, his voice carrying a softer touch to it with his next words.

“So, it’s not personal, don’t take it personal, but I think we should just cut it right there.”

For a moment, the entire room is quiet. Sebastian leans back in his chair, trying not to look at anyone directly, his hands slipping behind his back into the space between his spine and the upholstered back of the chair. He takes his lower lip between his teeth, nibbling at a nearly loose piece of skin, his legs jumping up and down beneath the table.

Finally, the coordinator clears his throat, drawing the attention to himself and away from Sebastian. The poor man looks a bit caught off guard, but he throws a smile into the crowd, before he asks for further questions.

When they’re finally being excused, Britta is already standing in the door before Seb can even attempt to stay and chat with Lewis and Valtteri, motioning for him to get out of the room immediately.
Seb quickly waves goodbye to the two Mercedes drivers and weaves his way through the crowd of journalists who are packing their stuff, some of them already on their phones in talks with their co-workers.

“I should’ve let you skip,” Britta grumbles when she grabs Seb’s arm, tugging him after her down the corridor.

“I told you so,” he answers, but he’s wearing a rueful smile on his lips. He didn’t want to cause Britta any trouble, knowing that she wanted to get an early flight home tonight. Maybe he can try to get her excused from the discussion that will surely follow in the Ferrari motorhome.

“They’re not really happy right now,” Antti tells him, when he joins them outside the building. “But I think it was cool, it was long due to be said,” he grins, making Britta next to him groan.

“Don’t indulge him, Antti.”

That’s exactly what Ferrari are thinking as well, and it takes well over an hour of discussions until they decide on how to deal with it media-wise over the next few days. Sebastian doesn’t tell them that he’s stopped listening the moment Britta excused herself from the room to still catch her flight, which was approximately five minutes after the meeting had started.

He’s careful not to roll his eyes too obviously when he and Antti leave the room, but he’s apparently not been as successful as he wanted when his physio chuckles at his expression. Antti laughs and pats him on his back when their paths separate. Heading towards his room, Sebastian can’t wait to finally get a few minutes of rest for himself, before they’re off to the hotel for one last night in Bahrain.

However, opening the door, he quickly discovers that he’s not alone.

A pair of brown eyes and a warm but tired smile greets him and suddenly he’s sweating in his racing suit, his heart beating at an unhealthy rate. He gulps and closes the door, his eyes unable to leave Lewis in front of him.

His friend gives him a sheepish look, sitting cross-legged on Sebastian’s physio table, Roscoe laying in front of him, his little head propped up on Lewis’ legs. Contrary to Seb, the Mercedes driver has already had time to get out of his racing suit and Sebastian would give a lot to already be wearing short jogging pants and a white hoodie. He doesn’t have a white Tommy Hilfiger hoodie to start with, but he’d definitely take anything else as well.

“Britta let me in, I hope it’s alright. But I wanted to see you before we both leave tomorrow.”

Seb’s heart makes a treacherous leap, and he has to force it to calm down, reminding it that Lewis is nothing more than his best friend and that hearts shouldn’t react like this when the person it belongs to is standing in front of their best friend.

It’s to no avail, however, so Seb just tries to ignore it.

He shoots Lewis a smile when he slips out of his racing suit, throwing it over the chair right next to him.

“Sure, I just need a quick shower! I’ll be fast, if you wanna wait?”

He hates himself for sounding so unsure.

“Yeah of course, I’ll try not to fall asleep,” Lewis jokes but Sebastian can see that he is a lot more tired than he tries to let on. Racing is always hard on you, especially because it’s not just racing but everything else around it. And Lewis always seems to have even more going on than the average racer; an interview in London, a photo shoot in New York, a meeting with someone important in Monaco - he never takes a break, never sits still. It’s as if he isn’t physically capable of stopping.

Sebastian gives him a lopsided smile, throws a towel over his shoulder and vanishes in the bathroom.

When he comes back out a bit later Lewis has slid down the wall, nearly completely lying on the physio table, his phone in one hand and the other one scratching Roscoe behind his ears. He’s got the collar of his sweater tucked up over his chin, nibbling on the white strings like he always does when he’s feeling anxious but wants to hide it, searching for an outlet that isn’t as obvious as bouncing his legs or biting his fingernails. Even the fact that Lewis is wearing a hoodie in the hot April weather of Bahrain is another clear sign that he doesn’t feel comfortable in his skin right now.

Sebastian doesn’t pry, knows Lewis well enough that if he wants to talk about it, he will come to Seb on his own terms. That’s why, instead of asking, Seb gives himself a few seconds for just looking at Lewis, the other man too immersed in his phone to notice it.

The blonde seldom lets his feelings get the better of him, knows that if he lets himself dive down long enough his heart will find a way to convince his mind that what he feels isn’t unrequited and that Lewis’ eyes mirror the warmth in his own whenever they smile at him.

But sometimes, like today, he allows himself a minute of daydreaming. It hurts more afterwards, when he has to carefully tuck his feelings away again, has to will his heart to take up its normal rhythm again, has to force his eyes not to linger too long on those dark eyelashes or the corners of Lewis’ lips when he speaks. It’s worth those few seconds of fool’s paradise every time, though.

Sebastian forces himself to look away, wills his legs to walk over to the drawer in the corner of the small room and gets out one of the million identical red shirts he’s got in there. He pulls it over his head before he threads his fingers through his wet hair, winces a bit when his fingertips graze over the spot where the helmet has put a little too much pressure on during the race but couldn’t change it.

“Are you okay?”

Of course, Lewis has seen that.

Sebastian can’t help but smile when he turns around.

“Yeah, I’m alright, just an uncomfortable pressure point where the helmet didn’t fit well today.”

Lewis gives him a sympathetic look and taps his hand on the free space on the table next to him. Seb throws the towel on a pile on the floor and crosses the room with a few steps, hopping onto the table next to Lewis. Roscoe let's out a startled snort, lifting his head a little to side-eye Sebastian before he hops off the couch to curl up on the floor in the towel Seb has thrown on the floor.

“Well, he’s not in a good mood,” Seb says, drawing a chuckle out of Lewis who looks at him from below, his head leaning against the wall in what looks like an uncomfortable angle, not even a pillow tucked in between his neck and the panelling. Wincing a little when he thinks of how Lewis’ neck is going to feel tomorrow, Sebastian reaches for the Lewis’ arm and motions for him to move away from the wall, pulling his head carefully on his own lap.

It’s not as if they never cuddle, they do, just not that often anymore because somehow Sebastian is always caught in feelings of guilt, thinking that he’s taking advantage of Lewis like that. He’s searching for that little bit of touch, searching for as much closeness as he can get, for Lewis’ hands on his, the soft but calloused skin of his fingertips grazing over his knuckles, chasing down the shiver it sends through his veins.

Lewis puts away his phone, wriggling around on the physio table until he’s in a comfortable position, slightly rocking the table back and forth so that Sebastian has to hold onto the wall to keep them from falling down. Lewis smiles up at him apologetically, his forehead wrinkling when he has to lay his head back so that he’s able to look into Seb’s eyes.

A fond smile forms on Seb’s lips and he’s happy that Lewis decided to come see him after the race. It’s nice having Britta and Antti around, but none of them get how exhausting a race really is and how giddy and ecstatic and at the same time nostalgic and numb a race win, or a race in general, can make someone feel.

Lewis gets it, gets him, every time. They don’t have to talk for Sebastian to know that the other man understands him, knows what he’s going through. Most of the time, it’s enough for the blonde to get pulled into a short, but tender hug to let go of all the stress of the race, to feel as if the weight of the world has just been taken off of his shoulders. But he’s not gonna pretend as if having more than that after a race isn’t better, doesn’t help him to unwind even more.

Feeling a light nudge in his ribs, Seb flinches, his body moving away from Lewis’ fingers, unconsciously anticipating more than one nudge. He knows his best friend after all. But Lewis just chuckles, his head laying against Sebastian thighs warm and heavy, grounding Seb in the here and now.

“You were gone for a second, had to get you back,” Lewis smiles, his dimples seemingly deeper with the light casting shadows on his face.

“Sorry,” Sebastian replies sheepishly, his left hand automatically finding its way into Lewis’ short brown hair, threading through the strands that have already dried after his shower. It’s always soft and fluffy, and Sebastian would ask what kind of hair care Lewis uses but he’s not gonna kid himself into believing he would actually take the time to do it himself.

Closing his eyes, Lewis hums in response, his face as relaxed as Sebastian has ever seen him. He loves that he’s one of the only people that Lewis is okay with being like that - open, vulnerable, simply himself.

“Are you going to start purring any second now?” Seb laughs when Lewis squints up at him, a feigned pout on his lips.

“If all, I’m a dog, not a cat.”

“Sure you are,” the blonde snorts, letting his head fall to his right, leaning against the wall, basking in the moment and the tranquillity of it.

They sit like that for a bit longer, Seb’s hand having stilled in running through Lewis’ hair, now merely a soft pressure against the top of Lewis’ head, both too content to say anything else.
Lewis is the first to break the silence, his voice low, however, as if he wants to make sure that his words are only for him and Sebastian to hear.

“Hey, I wanted to say thank you. For standing up for me in the press conference… It meant a lot.”

“You don’t have to thank me. It was a shitty thing to ask and I’m sure you would’ve done the same thing,” Sebastian replies, trying to hide the flush that’s creeping up his neck. He’s never been good at taking thank you’s and other compliments.

But Lewis doesn’t let go so quickly and straightens up slightly, resting his upper body on his elbows, carefully so that his arms don't dig into Sebastian's legs. He’s sitting in a weird angle, trying to turn around halfway so that he can look into those blue eyes, but all that Seb can think about is that he’s too close and are those freckles on Lewis’ nose? How has he never seen those before?

“Just take the thank you, Sebastian,” Lewis smiles, his head tilted slightly to the side. He looks so young in this light that Seb has to swallow a lump in his throat, suddenly thrown back 13 years where he first met him. He can’t believe that Lewis decided to stick around his awkward self for such a long time without getting sick of him and his antics.

But somehow the both of them just fit, have always fitted, will hopefully fit forever. It just works like a driver and his car, like dark chocolate and red wine, like Eintracht Frankfurt and the Bundesliga, like fries with strawberry milkshake - even though he likes to fight Lewis on that last one. Because honestly, who dips fries into a milkshake?

Impossible not to return the smile, Sebastian gives in, nudging his thigh up against the back of Lewis’ head.

“Alright, alright. I’m taking the thank you,” he laughs, shaking his head over Lewis’ smug grin.

“You better do.”

Chapter Text

early 2020

“Matilda, can you help me out for a second?”

Sebastian is wiping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand, trying not to smear the dirt that’s sticking to his fingers all over his face. He’s currently kneeling in the flower bed he’s wanted to plant with the girls in their backyard, but Emilie and Matilda have decided that it was too boring, and that dad would do a much better job on his own if they didn’t stand in the way, leaving him by himself in the garden after five minutes. The sun is high up in the sky with not a single cloud in sight, and where this would usually be his favourite time to be out in the garden and enjoy the beauty of it, the weather has been way too hot during April this year and not even the light breeze of wind can help against the relentless heat.

It’s both a curse and a blessing to be stuck at home due to the worldwide pandemic that’s put the whole planet on hold. Seb loves being able to spend so much time with his family, especially since Julian is still a baby and he hasn’t had the chance of being there for all of the “firsts” with his girls.

The last two months have shown him how different his life could’ve been had he opted for another job instead of being on the road for most of the year, always on the go and never having the chance of settling somewhere, of really arriving at home. But the time away from Formula 1, from Ferrari and from the media has also proven once again that racing is anchored deep in his bones.

He can’t live without the speed, can’t live without the adrenaline and the sound. Can’t live without the feeling of getting into the car, leaving all of his thoughts and worries behind in the garages as soon as he drives out into the pitlane.

He misses racing more than he thought he would, and it scares him.

It scares him because he knows he doesn’t have a seat for next season, seeing as Ferrari don’t want him in the car in 2021 anymore. It scares the shit out of him because he doesn’t know how to live without it, doesn’t know how he is supposed to exist without Formula 1.

The car and Sebastian have always been one entity - they’ve always worked together, building a symbiosis, and, if one of them leaves, the other will die. He’s not ready to die yet, though, he’s not ready to have that part of himself - that reckless, confident and curious part - killed; carelessly thrown over the railing, leaving him in the dark depths of the ocean.

The thought of being forgotten terrifies him and there are ice-cold fingers closing around his very heart and soul whenever he thinks about it.

The thought of his wins, his championships and his skills suddenly turning into something meaningless keeps him up at night, painting dark circles underneath his eyes in the early hours of the morning when the sun ironically bathes the whole world in a beautiful golden colour.

He hasn’t told anyone about Binotto’s call a few weeks ago yet, neither Hanna nor Charles; hasn’t told Lewis even though he has been bugging him about it time and time again. He knows that Sebastian’s contract is expiring after 2020, but Seb has always assured him that he doesn’t know himself what will happen yet.

He hopes that not talking about it, not saying the words out loud, forming them with his own lips, will make all of it less threatening. Will save him from having to admit his failure.

Squinting his eyes, Seb tries to focus on the backdoor of the house. He’s not entirely sure if the girls have left the glass door open after getting back inside, fleeing from the heat into the more comfortable temperatures of the house, or if they’ve closed it behind their backs.

Where he’d usually be proud of them for finally remembering to shut doors behind them and not just leaving them wide open as an invitation for every stranger walking past their home, this time he’d be happier if they were still letting his monologues go in through one ear and straight out of the other. At least that way someone would’ve heard him call. After waiting for two more minutes he sighs, pretty sure that either Matilda hasn’t heard him or hasn’t wanted to hear him. Knowing his daughter, it’s probably the second one.

Grumbling to himself, he tries to get up without making his pants even dirtier than they already are after kneeling in the soil he’s just been digging up a few minutes ago. He can’t even brush the dust from his pants because his hands are dirty as well and he’s mentally cursing himself again for not remembering to get new gloves at the hardware store yesterday.

He’s already arrived at the wooden steps of the porch when his phone suddenly starts ringing. For a second, Sebastian struggles; he can either wipe his hand clean on his shorts and take the call or keep them somewhat decent and get back to whoever is calling him later. His curiosity wins though, and he quickly pats his hand against his thigh before getting the phone out of his back pocket.

Pleasantly surprised that Lewis is calling him, Sebastian accepts the video call.

“Hey, that’s a surprise.”

Sebastian grins into the camera, trying to shield his eyes from the sun with his free hand. Catching a glance at himself on the display he can see that his attempts to not get any dirt on his face haven’t worked out the way he wanted to, and he’s got two dark stripes stretching over his forehead. But seeing as it’s just Lewis he’s talking to, he doesn’t even bother to clean up.

“As if I never call you.”

Lewis smiles back at him, but it doesn’t look as bright and honest as Sebastian is used to. His best friend is currently quarantining in Monaco, just Roscoe by his side and as far as Seb knows, the Brit spends his time either working out or reading the books he’s neglected for far too long. Out on the balcony, the Monegasque sun is shining bright into Lewis’ face, but compared to Seb he’s been smart enough to put his sunglasses on.

“Only when you want something,” Seb gives back, his smile turning softer with his next words, however, “is everything okay, though?”

“Yeah, it’s just hard. This whole thing sucks… I haven’t talked to anyone face to face for a month and the only time I interact with other people is when I go grocery shopping. I’ve been contemplating whether to plan my meals just two days in advance, so that I can go to the supermarket at least three times a week. I’d miss flirting with the old lady there way too much otherwise.”

Seb can’t help but chuckle, knowing, however, that Lewis is trying to play it down and that he’s probably suffering more from the situation than he lets on. Lewis leans back in his chair, and even though the audio quality of Sebastian’s phone sucks (at least that’s what Lewis always tells him), Seb can hear Roscoe snoring in the background. It’s hard to imagine being confined to an appartement day after day, especially if one is as used to being on the go as the drivers are. Sebastian would probably go mad without his family and the big garden he can always escape to, whenever it gets a bit too much.

Suddenly an idea crosses his mind and before he takes the time to consider it, the words are already out of his mouth.

“Why don’t you come to Switzerland? We’ve got enough room in the house, there’s a gym in the basement, I can show you all of my favourite places and you’ll finally get to know the kids better.”

“Hanna won’t mind?” Lewis asks somewhat cautiously, but Sebastian hears how the Lewis’ voice changes, getting higher at the end, a tiny bit of hope shining through. If he’s being honest, Seb isn’t quite sure how Hanna will react.

As far as he knows, she knows nothing.

Well, nothing except that incident a few years ago but he’s been nothing short of trying to be the perfect husband and father since then - at least at home. He’s never told her about the other times, and she doesn’t seem to see the guilt weighing down on him whenever he sees how she single-handedly manages to keep their house from burning down with three children, who are all growing up to be the sweetest kids a father could wish for - no thanks to him, seeing as he’s barely been home.

Julian, the baby of the family, has been Hanna’s wish last year. She’s always wanted to have three children and Sebastian hasn’t been able to deny any of her wishes, trying to compensate for the guilt that’s been stuck in his mind ever since the butterflies in his stomach have first laid their eyes on Lewis. He doesn’t regret having a third child, loves all of his kids more than life itself, but sometimes his home doesn’t feel like home.

It barely shows any signs that he lives there at all; he’s never been one to flaunt his trophies, which is why just a small amount of carefully picked ones are placed in the cabinet in their living room. Other than that, the place lives and breathes through Hanna, Emilie, Matilda and Julian - everything wears Hanna’s mark, be it the flowers on the table, the cushions on the couch, the pictures on the wall, the carpet in the hallway or Bruno’s bed in their bedroom. He’s happy she’s made herself the home she’s always wished and longed for, but all it leaves Sebastian with sometimes is emptiness and the feeling that something, someone, is missing.

A giggle pulls Sebastian out of his thoughts and when he looks down, Matilda is standing next to him, her small hands grasping at the seam of his shorts. He can’t help but smile when he sees the huge grin his daughter is sporting, her face framed with soft blonde curls and her blue eyes just a hint lighter than her dad’s. Where Emilie and Julian look more like their mother with their soft and thoughtful eyes, Matilda has that same curious twinkle in hers as her dad and the same mischievous smirk playing around her lips.

“Papa, who is it?” she asks curiously, her eyes stuck on the display of her dad’s phone.

Smiling, Seb squats down beside her, holding his phone at an angle that allows her to see Lewis who’s grinning broadly, waving at Matilda.

“Hey, Bee. How are you?”

“Uncle Lewis,” Matilda screams happily and even though the 5-year-old doesn’t understand a word her godfather says, she’s beaming at him. His best friend hasn’t seen a lot of Seb’s kids, no wonder as he himself hasn’t really been around that much, but Lewis and Matilda have had a special bond from the beginning. When Seb asked Lewis if he wanted to become Matilda’s godfather, Lewis couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day and he already started to buy her little gifts when she wasn’t even born yet.

The first time Lewis got to hold her was at Matilda’s christening, their work schedules having been so packed that he wasn’t able to visit earlier. He’s been so careful with her, as if she was made out of glass, never taking his eyes off the small baby who slept soundly in his arms throughout the whole ceremony. Whenever Sebastian or Hanna tried to take Matilda away from Lewis after the christening to get her to lie down in her bed, when they were back at their house, the baby started crying, her little fingers gripping hard onto the white shirt Lewis was wearing. He just chuckled at that and kept the girl in his arms, the smile never leaving his face.

It’s been hard for Sebastian to tear his eyes off the picture in front of him that day; it stirred something in the depths of his stomach, awakening a feeling that spread through his whole body, leaving a sense of calm and serenity, a happiness that he wanted to put into a jar to open up whenever he wasn’t feeling well.

Lewis’ gift for his daughter’s christening was a tiny stuffed bee that never left Matilda’s side from that moment on. She still loves that toy to pieces, even though it already looks a little bit deranged from all the places she’s already dragged it with her. Even her first word was ‘bee’, and much to Hanna’s dismay it meant that she was able to say an English word before a German one. That’s also the reason why to this day Lewis’ nickname for Matilda is Bee.

“What would you say if Lewis came to visit us?”

Matilda lets out another happy sound, jumping up and down whilst still holding on to Sebastian’s shorts. Lewis can’t help but laugh which seems to wake Roscoe up as the bulldog is coming into the picture now as well, looking as grumpy as ever when he lets his head fall down onto Lewis’ lap.

“Roscoe as well?” Seb’s daughter asks, and Lewis doesn’t even need a translation for this because he knows how much Matilda loves his dog.

“Of course, Roscoe is coming as well, he misses his old friend Bruno a lot,” Lewis smiles, patting the head of his dog lightly. He looks calmer now, his face having softened during the last minutes he’s been on the phone with Sebastian. Seb can’t help but smile at that, feeling like a weight has been lifted off his chest now that Lewis seems to do better, but he averts his gaze towards his daughter to hide the obvious relief in his features. Even after years of burying his feelings, it’s still hard to keep them completely locked away sometimes.

Pressing a kiss on top of the blonde curls, Seb straightens up again, his joints cracking when he stretches his legs. He gives Matilda a light pat on her back, beckoning his daughter towards the porch door.

“Can you get me a few paper towels so I can clean my hands?”

Matilda just nods at that, and with one last, big wave at Lewis, her blonde head vanishes back into the house.

“She’s the sweetest,” Lewis says, a soft expression in his features.

“I know. She’s got you wrapped around her little finger quite well,” Sebastian replies, a laugh slipping out of his mouth. There are a few seconds where both men just grin at each other before Seb awkwardly averts his gaze, his free hand rubbing over the back of his neck. He nearly freezes though, when he remembers the dirt on his fingers which he’s probably smeared right over his skin by now.

Sighing quietly, he decides to just ignore it - he does need a shower later anyways.

“So, you’re coming?”

“Well, now that you’ve got Bee involved and I don’t want to disappoint her, I can’t really back out anymore, can I?”

Sebastian chuckles, shrugging his shoulders. “I mean, you can but I don’t think it will end well. So, I’ll see you next week? And I swear to God, if you only come for three days, I won’t even bother to pick you up from the airport, Lew.”

Lewis laughs in that bright, contagious and warm-hearted way he sometimes does; it’s another one of those little things Seb would love to catch in a jar, ending up on his bedside table, always right at hand to open up when he needs to feel grounded, needs to feel at home.

“I’ll just book my flight to Switzerland for now and when you all get sick of me after two days with you, I’ll book my flight home at your place. Is that good enough for you?”

“Sounds good. I’m sure the kids will be over the moon that you’re coming to stay with us.”

I’m over the moon that you’re visiting is what he doesn’t say, but Lewis seems to catch on, smiling softly at him before they say their goodbyes and Lewis promises to text Seb as soon as he’s booked a flight.

“Good night, Em.”

He closes the door of Emilie’s bedroom quietly behind his back and smiles at Hanna who’s just stepped out of Julian’s room opposite of him. She looks tired, but not even the bags under her eyes can dim her beauty. A pang of guilt suddenly shoots through Sebastian’s body, and he wishes for nothing more than for this to be enough.

He wishes that the two of them bringing their kids to bed, going downstairs to get a glass of wine and to switch the TV on to watch one of their old favourite movies could be enough. That Hanna cuddling into him, his arm around her shoulder and her fingers playing with the wedding ring on his hand could be enough. That pressing a kiss on top of her head, his nose nuzzling into the hair, smelling her favourite strawberry shampoo could be enough. That kissing Hanna and feeling her smile against his lips could be enough, could clip the wings of those treacherous butterflies in his stomach that only seem to come alive with Lewis, wishes he could exile them forever.

But apparently there’s something wrong with him, because for some reason this picture-perfect life with three amazing children and a wife, who couldn’t be more supportive, more understanding, more loving, still isn’t enough.

A lump is forming in Seb’s throat when he stills in his movements, his hand staying on the knob of Emilie’s door, his gaze focused on Hanna. She’s beautiful, inside and out, and he doesn’t need anyone to tell him so, doesn’t need anyone to tell him that he’s hit the jackpot. That’s the worst thing in all of this, because he knows he could never have been luckier in his life. It’s not a question that he’s ungrateful, that he takes what he can get without thinking about how it might affect her. He is the villain in Hanna’s story, but she hasn’t figured it out yet.

After a few seconds, Hanna tilts her head, an uncertain look in her eyes.

“Are you alright?”

She crosses the hallway and puts a hand on Seb’s arm, squeezing it softly. Standing on her tiptoes, Hanna presses a light kiss on his lips and his hands automatically move to her hips, steadying her. When she leans back a bit, her eyes bore into Sebastian’s, the question still prominent in them. Trying to appease her, Seb kisses her again, his lips softly embracing her smaller ones.

“Of course, I am. How about a glass of wine in front of the TV? We’ve still got a bottle of the white wine you love so much.”

His answer seems to set Hanna at ease, because she takes a step closer and bites down on her lower lip, her eyes never leaving Sebastian’s. Her hands run up her husband's arms and she crosses them behind his neck, pressing herself closer to his body.

“We could also take this to the bedroom…”

She stills, when she feels Sebastian stiffening, her eyes closing in surrender, knowing she’s lost before there was even a start to it.

A new wave of guilt washes over Seb and his fingers curl into her hips, trying to make her feel the love that she deserves, but he knows he doesn’t succeed.

“Honey, I’m sorry, I’m just…”

Hanna looks up at him again, a tight smile on her lips. She softly runs one of her hands over the stubble on his cheeks, her thumb brushing over his lips.

“You’re just not in the mood. I know. It’s okay.”

It’s not.

But Sebastian can’t get himself to sleep with his beautiful wife, not today after he's talked to Lewis, the man still consuming his mind. He can't touch her naked body whilst knowing that he’d be secretly yearning for someone else.

Before he can reply however, Hanna presses another featherlight kiss on his lips. She steps back and puts her hands into the pockets of her shorts.

“You’ll go grab the bottle of wine and I’ll choose the movie?”

I don’t deserve you.

It takes Seb a moment to be able to talk and when he does, his voice quivers slightly.

“Sure, I just need the bathroom before.”

Hanna turns around and walks towards the staircase, the usual bounce to her step replaced by a feeling of powerlessness that creeps up on her even though she can’t quite place it.

“Hanna?”

She stops in her tracks and looks back at Seb who’s still standing in front of their eldest daughter’s bedroom. He seems to struggle for a moment, uncertain of what to say.

“I love you, you know that right?”

“I know, Basti. I love you, too.”

Lewis wouldn’t say he’s someone who ever really gets nervous. Not when he needs to do interviews, not when he's meeting people he's been looking up to his entire life, nor when he gets into his car. So it’s a completely new feeling when he gets hit by nervousness as he steps out into the foyer of the airport looking for Sebastian.

Roscoe is staying close to him, a bit uncertain about the amount of unknown smells and sounds that surround him. Lewis also likes to think that his dog somehow feels that he needs him to be close now and needs the reassurance that he's not totally on his own.

Which is, to be fair, a stupid idea that's been developing in his brain. It's not as if he's visiting the Queen; it's his best friend, the one person he would trust with his life, and yet he can't get that weird feeling out of his body, can't stop his fingers from fiddling with Roscoe's leash.

The pressure on his chest lifts a bit once he spots the familiar blonde hair he’d be able to pick out of any crowd within seconds, probably even at a packed Madison Square Garden - not that he’d want to be in such a crowd right now with the virus still spreading fast. Even though a mask is covering his face, Lewis knows exactly how big the smile is beneath it when Seb sets his eyes on him.

Taking a look around, Lewis makes sure that no one has recognized them yet, before he walks towards Sebastian, who stays where he is, leaning against the glass front of the airport building. It’s not as if he cares that people know about him staying with Sebastian, it’s been common knowledge that they’ve been really good friends for years now, but he doesn’t want the media following them on every step, trying to get some kind of content where there is basically none right now. Lewis knows they’re just doing their job, trying to earn their wages to be able to support their families, but it’s a difficult time for all of them and he just wants to be able to enjoy spending time with his best friend and his family.

Seb pushes himself off the wall once Lewis is standing in front of him, squatting down to pet Roscoe before even saying hello to Lewis. The latter chuckles and rolls his eyes in mock annoyance.

“Of course, this has all been about Roscoe. Just admit it, you’ve missed my dog so much you invited me over, just to be able to pet him again.”

Even through the mask, Sebastian’s snort doesn’t go unnoticed, and there’s a familiar sparkle in his blue eyes when he looks up at Lewis.

“I see nothing has changed, you drama queen.”

But he gets up nonetheless, pulling Lewis in for a hug. Lewis instantly gets hit by that typical Seb smell - his aftershave, that he’s been using for years now, mixed with something else he’s never been able to put a finger one, but it’s a smell so soft and light that always makes him feel at ease, no matter how anxious he might be at that moment.

“Hey you. Been way too long,” Seb mumbles against his shoulder, tightening his grip around Lewis’ back.

“Yeah, it definitely was. Thanks for inviting me, I felt like the walls would come down on me any minute now back at home. You’ve saved me,” Lewis says with a dramatic touch to his voice, getting a chuckle out of Seb, who loosens his grip, taking a tiny step back.

“Like I said, still a drama queen.”

Roscoe chooses that exact moment to bark, probably trying to make the two men aware that he’s still there as well.

“Even Roscoe agrees,” Seb laughs, dodging away from Lewis, who looks as if he’s wanted to hit his shoulder.

“How are you already annoying? I think I’m just gonna wait here until the next flight back to Monaco leaves.”

“Well have fun, cause that’s not for another week or so. There are only a handful of airplanes allowed to land or take off at the moment. But suit yourself.”

Grumbling, Lewis grabs the handle of his suitcase again, raising an eyebrow when Sebastian takes Roscoe’s leash out of his hands. But Seb just gestures at Lewis to follow him, already pushing through the airport door.

They get hit by a heat that Lewis certainly hasn’t been expecting and he’s sweating within a few seconds, the hoodie and long sweatpants he chose for the flight definitely too warm for the Swiss temperatures. Luckily, due to the few flights that are coming in during the day right now, the parking space is quite empty, and Sebastian has managed to get a space close to the entrance of the airport.

Lewis shoots a questioning look at Sebastian, when they get closer to the black SL65 Mercedes that shines in the afternoon sun.

“Not the Ferrari? I thought you’d force me into that red car just because you could.”

Even though Seb tries to hide it, Lewis still sees him wincing at the name of his team and he’s about to ask, but his best friend has already opened the trunk, gesturing for Lewis to put his suitcase inside.

Lewis makes a mental note to get back to that later but lets the conversation about Ferrari slide for now.

Roscoe gets in the trunk as well, hopping into the crate Bruno usually sits in. It takes the bulldog a few sniffles, but after a minute he recognizes the smell of the other dog and he snuggles into the blanket, his eyes falling close within seconds.

The drive to Sebastian’s house doesn’t take them too long, he lives just on the outskirts of the town. Close enough to reach a supermarket in a few minutes, but far enough that they don’t have to worry about random people walking past their house, recognizing the name on the doorbell. They sit quietly next to each other, and where it would have been awkward with anyone else, Lewis is actually quite happy to be able to take it all in in silence. He hasn’t had the time to visit Seb in Switzerland often during the last few years, so he’s always amazed by the country and its raw beauty again. The massive trees, the green grass and the mountains in the distance paint a beautifully serene picture and it feels as if he escapes from the harsh Monegasque reality into a Swiss safe haven.

Pulling into Sebastian’s driveway, Lewis lets his gaze wander over the gorgeous farmhouse with its half-timbered structure, the afternoon sun shining through the big open windows, illuminating the house. A content sigh slips through Lewis’ lips and he looks over at Sebastian, who is wearing a smile similar to his.

“Thank you for inviting me, Seb. I definitely needed to get away from my appartement for a few days and I already feel better.”

The younger one squeezes Lewis’ shoulder, his hand lingering a bit longer than usual, but Lewis doesn’t mind the reassuring weight, he even leans into it. If possible, Sebastian’s smile seems to get even brighter and, for a moment, Lewis gets lost in the ocean blue of Seb’s eyes.

They both wince when there’s suddenly the sound of a door banging against its hinges and Lewis turns his gaze towards the house where a tiny girl with blonde curls is currently running over the gravel.
He’s out of the car in a second and squats down, holding his arms wide open for Matilda to jump in.

It’s crazy to think that he’s just seen her a few times in real life, she’s already five by now, but she never seems to feel weird or unfamiliar around him. Lewis loves children and he sometimes gets lost in the sadness of not having his own by now, gets lost in the fear that he might never have any. But his nephew and niece as well as Matilda as his godchild are more than enough to make up for that.

The girl squeals happily when she jumps into Lewis’ arms, and he gets up and swings her around a few times, before he stops to ruffle his hand through her hair. He can see Sebastian leaning against the car out of the corner of his eye, his smile so bright that it’s nearly blinding him, and he has to look away again to not get lost in the warmth that’s currently spreading in his stomach.

“Hey Bee, have you missed me?”

He doesn’t expect her to understand him, after all she is only five, but she nods her head feverously, her curls jumping up and down. Lewis laughs and presses a kiss on top of her head, before trying to set her down again but Matilda just clasps her small arms around his neck, holding on to him.

“Matilda, darling, let Lewis breathe,” Seb says to his daughter in German, having come to Lewis’ side by now. But his attempts to get his daughter away from his best friend don’t lead to anything but her gripping tighter onto Lewis’ sweater. Sebastian shoots Lewis an apologetic look, but the latter just grins, his hand on the back of Matilda’s head whilst the girl is snuggling against him.

“I guess she’s really missed you.”

There’s this warm feeling again that Lewis can’t put his finger on when he hears the surprise mixed with happiness in Seb’s voice and he’s about to get lost in those warm blue eyes again, when he hears another pair of steps coming over the gravel.

Emilie is a lot more cautious than her sister and she hides behind her father’s legs, sneaking a glance at Lewis. Seb lays his hand on her head, stroking lightly over her hair.

“Remember Lewis? I know it’s been a long time since you’ve seen him, right?”

Lewis doesn’t understand everything that Sebastian is saying but catches enough words to know what’s going on. He carefully squats down again, his arm still holding Matilda in place who peeks out through her hair to see what’s going on.

“Hey Emilie.”

The 6-year-old throws a wary glance towards her dad who gives her an encouraging smile that grows brighter when Emilie takes a first tentative step towards Lewis, before throwing her indecision overboard and stepping into the arm that Lewis is holding open for a hug. Hearing the girls’ laughter when he stands up again to swing them both around in circles is the most fulfilling, he’s felt during the last few weeks, and it manages to make him forget all about what he’s left behind in Monaco.

He can’t find the words to thank Sebastian for what he’s given him with the simple invitation to visit.

Sebastian gets Roscoe and Lewis’ suitcase out of the car and Lewis wants to apologize for not taking his stuff, but he has his arms full with Matilda and Emilie who both cling to his neck now, begging him to swing them around once more. At least his German skills are sufficient enough to understand that.

When they walk towards the front door, Sebastian trying to keep Roscoe from running straight around the house into the backyard and Lewis doing his best to keep the girls from falling down, Hanna steps out of the house, a baby in her arms. Lewis has to force himself to not let any emotion show on his face, neither insecurity about what she’s thinking about him nor guilt about what has happened between him and Sebastian in the past.

Which is nothing really, at least that’s the sentence he keeps replaying in his mind over and over again.

A tentative smile is on his lips when they reach the doors and for a short moment, there’s an awkward silence that neither of the three adults is able to fill.

“Hey, it’s the first time you’re meeting Julian, right?”

Lewis could kiss Sebastian for always thinking of something to break the silence with, but he probably shouldn’t, seeing as that is exactly the reason why Hanna hasn’t been to any of the races after 2014 and has avoided being around Lewis the same amount of time. Instead, his smile turns honest, and he nods, curiously eyeing the six months old baby.

“How about I take the girls inside and you take Julian, Basti?”

She’s cautious around him but she’s trying not to make it too obvious and somehow this makes it a bit easier for Lewis, makes him feel a bit more comfortable. It’s obvious Hanna is trying to be open minded, trying to not be too prejudiced towards Lewis, be it for Sebastian or the kids, but it’s more than he thinks he deserves. So, when he’s kneeling down to let the girls run inside and there’s a small, but warm smile that reaches her eyes when she looks at him, he counts it as a big win.

Hanna turns to Sebastian, wanting to hand Julian to him, but her husband is still holding on to Roscoe with one and Lewis’ suitcase with the other hand.

“Just give him to Lewis.”

Caught off guard, Lewis doesn’t have any time to react to it and suddenly he’s cradling a tiny baby in his arms. Julian doesn’t even stir when he’s being handed over, he just snuggles into the warmth that’s radiating off Lewis’ body, sleeping soundly.

“He’s so small,” Lewis whispers, not able to avert his eyes. Julian already has a few strands of dark blonde hair and Lewis is pretty sure that once the boy opens his eyes, he’ll look at him with blue irises that he already knows so well from the man standing in front of him. Lightly stroking his thumb over the small hands, he can’t help but coo at the baby who wraps his fingers around Lewis’ thumb and holds on to it, without even waking up.

“He’s the tiniest out of the three of them. Matilda and Emilie were already much bigger when they were six months old.”

Sebastian starts to walk into the house as well, Lewis following slowly. He’s trying not to make any sudden movements or fall over one of the two dogs for that matter, as they’re currently running through the house after Seb takes the leash off Roscoe, tails wagging and the girls dashing after them. Emilie and Matilda’s joyful laughter and the dogs’ happy barks let Lewis doubt that the baby will sleep much longer, but to his absolute astonishment Julian doesn’t even twitch a single muscle. He’s probably used to the noise by now.

“Do you wanna see the garden?”

Seb is by his side again, having discarded Lewis’ suitcase in a corner of the big hallway. As far as Lewis can see, the house hasn’t changed that much from the last time he was here. Opening up to the living room that’s framed by big windows reaching from the ground nearly up to the ceiling, the hallway is always illuminated by light, creating a warm and homely atmosphere.

Lewis knows that Hanna has been the driving force when it came to furnishing the house and he’s gotta give it to her, the cream-coloured walls and the furniture that’s mainly made out of dark, beautiful wood show off her impeccable taste. She kept the rooms as minimalistic as she could, but with the family pictures and the kids’ toys scattered about, it still feels lived in, rather than those plain houses that just give off clinical vibes, far from comfortable or warm.

Lewis follows Sebastian who leads him through the hallway and the living room, before holding the terrace door wide open, so Lewis can get through without having to shift Julian in his arms.

Where the house just screams Hanna, the garden is all Sebastian.

With a smile on his face, Lewis steps on the porch. Seb has left some parts of the garden to itself, creating beautiful wildflower meadows where butterflies and bees are dancing in the sun rays, and their buzz mixed with the chirping of the birds instantly has a relaxing effect on him.

There is a huge apple tree in the middle of the garden with a swing attached to one branch, clearly well used and loved by the girls, and a single football goal, with a rather big hole in the net, stands underneath the shade of the tree as well. Another tree, it might be a cherry tree, but Lewis doesn’t really know a lot about trees if he’s honest, carries a huge treehouse that he knows Seb has built himself.

His best friend has sent him pictures throughout the whole process of putting it together, exasperated because Matilda was in her phase of “not letting daddy do anything alone” and thus always stuck to his side up to the point, where he wasn’t even able to take one step without having a little girl hanging onto his leg. It was endearing for other people to observe, but it delayed the completion of the treehouse for quite some time.

Letting his gaze roam over the garden, Lewis can also spot the newly planted flower bed and his smile widens even more when he sees that the shape of it represents a heart.

“Hey, you actually managed to shape it into a heart!”

He turns around to see Seb still standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame, a grin on his lips.

“Yeah, with absolutely no help from the girls,” he chuckles and pushes himself off the frame to step up next to Lewis. The Brit laughs at that, lightly bumping his shoulder against Seb’s. His gaze turns honest soon after and he tries to catch Seb’s eyes.

“This garden is so beautiful, it’s so you. I love it.”

Lewis knows without Sebastian having to say it out loud, that his friend sometimes feels as if he doesn’t belong there - not in Switzerland, not in this big, spacious house, furnished by his wife - when he spends most of his time away from it, away from his family. Seb tries to make up for it by creating something on his own, that belongs to this house and his family, where his kids can step into and feel as if he’s still there for them, even though he’s thousands of miles away.

“Thank you, Lew, that means a lot.”

Chapter Text

2020

The days start merging into one another, and Lewis soon feels as if he’s right at home, fits into this family as if he’s always been there. Hanna owns a small boutique in town where she usually works on designing her own fashion line, but with the pandemic going on she’s tied to the chair in her office at home, leaving Sebastian and Lewis with the job of looking after the kids during the day.

They have soon slipped into a routine, Seb helping Emilie with school as she’s still getting homework each day and Lewis sticks to playing with Matilda and watching Julian. The language barrier makes it a bit hard for the 5-year-old girl to speak to her dad’s best friend, but they’ve started developing their own sign language for the most common words, making it easier to communicate. Matilda mainly loves it because she finally has a secret language that no one else understands - at least that’s what Sebastian has told him.

Hanna is still kind of distant towards him, but Lewis can’t really blame her. He’s trying his best to not be a burden, often taking over the job of cooking for the six of them so neither Hanna nor Sebastian have to do that on top of everything else. Matilda has also started requesting Lewis to be the one doing her night-time routine with her and by the third night they’ve established that he sings her a good night song every evening, otherwise she won’t be able to fall asleep.

But Hanna still regards him with that look sometimes, when she thinks no one is watching; that look that she’s given him all those years ago on the balcony, when Nico’s told her about Seb and him, where suddenly all the warmth in her eyes was replaced by ice. Lewis wishes he could do something to regain her trust again, but he doesn’t know what and there’s no way he’s going to talk to Sebastian about it. Those are wounds that shouldn’t be reopened.

The sun is still relentlessly sending heat through the white curtains of the living room and Lewis misses the AC he’s got in his flat in Monaco, as he can’t stop sweating in his white T-Shirt and khaki shorts. Matilda doesn’t seem to mind the heat, she’s fully concentrated on the stack of UNO cards she’s got in her hands, her tongue sticking out of her mouth and her brows furrowed. She reminds him so much of Sebastian in moments like these that it’s almost scary.

“Can you play?” Lewis asks, and it’s just because they’ve played that game so many times already in the last few days, that Matilda doesn’t have any problems understanding what Lewis is saying.

"Yeah, yeah, just give me a second."

Lewis stifles a laugh, giving her some more time to think. He leans back on his arms, stretches his neck and blinks against the sunlight that's grazing his face. The two of them are sitting on the floor because sitting at a table is way too normal for Matilda, the stack of cards set up in between them. Roscoe and Bruno are lying on the parquet close by, trying to escape the heat by pressing themselves against the cold floor as much as they can.

He gives her one more minute, before nudging his foot against hers, trying to get her to speed up a little bit. But Matilda just raises an eyebrow and throws an annoyed look at him - there is that resemblance again - and sticks out her tongue. Lewis mocks a look of utter shock, placing his hand over his heart, his eyes wide open.

“I can’t believe you just did that to me.”

Matilda giggles, her eyes squeezed together, but after that she’s finally playing her cards.

When Sebastian enters the room an hour later, Lewis and Matilda are both lying on their stomachs next to the dogs, their limbs spread apart, searching for the coldest spot on the floor. Seb stops short when his gaze falls on them and he looks like he doesn’t know whether to laugh or to be worried.

“What are you doing on the floor?”

“The floor is cold,” Lewis mumbles against the parquet, his head tilted up slightly so he can look at Sebastian from down there, “we had to find a way to cool down, because you don’t have an AC in here.”
Seb just pretends not to hear the accusatory tone in Lewis’ voice, and instead he takes a moment to think, before his face lights up.

“Should we set up the pool in the garden? It’s way too early in the year, but according to the weather forecast it’s supposed to stay like this for the next two weeks.”

Upon hearing the word ‘pool’ Matilda immediately perks up, her eyes growing big even though she doesn’t know for certain what her dad has just said.

"Papa, can we set up the pool? Pretty pretty please?"

She’s up within seconds to stand next to Sebastian, her hands grabbing onto the rim of his shorts and her eyes as big as they can get. She’s got that puppy look perfected and Lewis counts down the seconds until Seb gives in. It doesn’t even take him four seconds until he nods, and shoos his daughter out into the garden, so she can decide where she wants them to place it.

It takes them the rest of the day to set it up and when they can finally step into the cold water, the sun is already on its way down the horizon. Sebastian has had to search for it in the garage at first, not really sure where they’ve put it after last year. When he comes back half an hour later with the packaging in his hands and a triumphant smile on his lips, Lewis has to free him of the cobwebs that are sticking to the blonde hair. He definitely hasn't taken a picture before though, why would he.

With Julian on his arm, Sebastian is sitting on the top step of the ladder that helps the kids to get into the pool without splashing half of the water out again. He’s currently talking to Antti on his phone, but Lewis is more focused on Emilie and Matilda, who are taking turns in giving him little rings to throw into the pool so they can dive for it.

When Seb finishes the call, he throws his phone on the sun lounger where Hanna has been sitting up until a few minutes ago and pushes his sunglasses into his blonde hair. He presses a tiny kiss on Julian’s forehead when the baby grumbles about his dad shifting him onto his other arm, before searching for Lewis’ eyes.

“Antti is coming tomorrow morning to set up a new plan for my training and we wanted to go for a run afterwards, do you wanna join?”

“Yeah sure, I haven’t done cardio in ages so that’s probably gonna be good.”

“Speaking of cardio, we could go on that hike we wanted to do on the weekend! It’s supposed to be really nice, not too warm and Hanna can watch the kids, ‘cause she doesn’t have to work.”

Sebastian’s been going on about that hike since Lewis has arrived in Switzerland. Apparently, the destination of the hike is his favourite spot in the world and Hanna has said that Seb usually goes there alone, to have time for himself and to be able to forget the world around him. The fact that his friend wants to share that with him intrigues Lewis even more.

“I’d love to.”

The smile Sebastian gives him is dazzling and Lewis has to blink a few times, before he’s able to focus on Emilie again, who’s been holding one of the rings out for him to take for at least half a minute now. He doesn’t know what kind of effect Switzerland has on him and why he can’t stop staring at Sebastian in his already old and faded plaid blue and white swimming trunks, but according to the girl in front of him he’s supposed to throw the ring instead of getting lost in his thoughts. So he does as he’s told.

Hanna calls them in for dinner ten minutes later, sending the kids to their rooms to get changed because she doesn’t want them sitting at the table in their wet swimming suits. The girls moan for a bit, but when Seb gives them a stern look, they quickly trample up the stairs. Lewis changes into some dry clothes as well, before helping Sebastian set up the table. He gets tasked with trying to get Julian in the baby chair, which proves to be more difficult than he thought, as the baby just doesn’t want to sit down.

When he’s finally managed to get Julian in, he straightens up again, and his gaze falls on Sebastian and Hanna in the open kitchen. Seb has his arms wrapped around Hanna from behind, his chin on her head, a relaxed smile on his face. He’s saying something to her that makes her laugh and Hanna puts her hands over Sebastian’s, leaning back against her husband.

They seem so happy and lost in themselves, that Lewis is sure they’ve forgotten that he’s in the other room. He feels a pang in his chest and has to turn away, his gaze getting stuck on a napkin that’s folded the wrong way. His fingers fumble with it, trying to make sense of how to accurately fold it, but his thoughts are too far away to actually register what he’s doing.

I wish that was me.

The thought crosses Lewis’ mind before he can stop it from emerging and it almost gives him a heart attack, almost makes him choke, because those five little words suddenly turn his world upside down whilst at the same time finally setting it right. It feels like he’s needed to see Sebastian and Hanna together, happily and in love, to finally realize what his body has tried telling him so many times before but failed as there’s been a wall around his heart, protecting him from any kind of emotions after Nico had left him standing in the rain, after he’s had to watch him leave without turning back.

It’s been Sebastian for such a long time that he almost can’t understand how it took him that long to finally get it.

Almost.

Because when he turns around again and he catches Sebastian pressing a soft kiss on Hanna’s forehead, her eyes closed and her hand cradling Seb’s cheek, he’s pretty sure his mind has just wanted to save him from another certain heartbreak. Hanna and Seb belong together and there’s no way he’s going to get in between the two of them. Not again. She’s his everything, the love of his life - Seb has said so himself many times.

And even though watching them feels as if the air was being punched out of his chest, and even though he’s secretly yearning for it to be him instead of the blonde woman in Sebastian’s arms, Lewis would never want Seb to lose something that so obviously makes him feel loved and secure. Seb deserves to have a reason to come home to, that gives him stability and love, something that’s permanent and right there whenever he needs it. Not something, or someone, like Lewis, who’s always on the go, always moving from one place to another, never able to settle down. He could never give Sebastian what he wants or what he deserves.

Lewis shakes his head, trying to let go of those thoughts, trying to get back to the place he was just a few minutes ago; where he was aware of how Sebastian always manages to calm him down with just a smile, of how the slightest touch of the blonde makes him feel at home, but where, at the same time, he was unaware of the reason behind it.

His love for Sebastian Vettel is not something he’s wanted to figure out during this trip.

The realization keeps him up for a long time that night and between rolling from one side to the other, turning the pillow over at least four times, and finally discarding the blankets to the end of the bed, he can’t stop the images of a bright smile, blue eyes and blonde strands of hair from emerging before his closed eyes.

When sleep finally comes he’s hit with another series of pictures of Sebastian. But those are images he’s stored in a drawer in the back of his mind and threw away the key. It’s images with lust-filled, darkened blue eyes, sweaty hair, half-open lips and moans that keep replaying in his mind so loud that it’s a wonder he doesn’t just come from that in his sleep like a teenager.

It’s almost comical that he wakes up to Sebastian’s cheerful voice in the morning, opening the blinds in his room to throw him out of the bed because Antti is already on his way over.

The weekend rolls around faster than Lewis would’ve thought and on Friday night they’re sitting on the floor in the living room with clothes, food and other items scattered around them.

“This will never ever fit in my backpack.”

“It will, if you pack it right.”

Sebastian is focused entirely on where he’s going to store the umbrella (“You said it would be the perfect weather, so why do we even need umbrellas?!” - “The weather in the mountains can change quicker than you can say Mercedes, Lew.”) and Lewis can’t stop himself from smiling at Seb’s expression, who has his eyebrows furrowed and his tongue sticking out in concentration.

“I’m not Marie Kondo, Sebastian, I usually just throw everything in my suitcase.”

Seb blinks at him, confusion written all over his face.

“You’re not who?”

Oh yeah, right. Sebastian and his utter aversion against anything that goes in the mere direction of pop culture or media knowledge. Lewis just laughs, shaking his head.

“Doesn’t matter.”

In the end, everything does indeed fit into their two backpacks, much to Lewis’ utter amazement. They put the backpacks in the hallway next to their hiking boots and the tent, and Sebastian goes through the list he’s written down one more time.

Always playing right into the German stereotypes.

Once he’s made sure that everything has a tick next to it, he shoos Lewis up the stairs, telling him to go to sleep because he needs all of his energy for tomorrow.

Lewis just rolls his eyes and kicks at Sebastian as the blonde is passing him in the hallway on his way to his own bedroom.

“I’m not a child, Seb.”

“Sure about that?”

Sebastian just laughs when Lewis flips him off and wishes him a good night, before he steps into his room.

When they leave the house the next morning, there’s still some mist hanging thick in the air, covering the grass with the smallest droplets of water. The first rays of the sun are peeling through the trees, reflecting in the windows of Sebastian’s car in the driveway, prompting Lewis to pull his sunglasses down on his nose. He shivers in his shorts, but Seb has promised that it will get warm within the next half an hour, and when it comes to the mountains Seb definitely has more experience than Lewis - so he just went with trusting his judgement.

According to Seb, it will take them about 20 minutes in the Mercedes to arrive at their starting destination and Lewis uses the time to doze off for a bit, his head leaning against the cold window of the car.

It’s times like these that he’s glad that Seb doesn’t feel the urge to fill every minute with conversation but rather enjoys the silence as Lewis does. He already knows so much about Sebastian, about things that his friend has told him over the last years that by now it feels as if the silence almost reveals more about his best friend than words ever could.

His head resting against the window, Lewis opens his eyes just a little bit, enough to be able to observe Sebastian. He’s always loved watching Seb drive; not only in an F1 car, but also like this. Just the two of them next to each other on a quiet road, the early morning hours nearly to themselves, only a few other people on the streets.

Lewis’ eyes follow the movement Sebastian’s left hand makes when he turns the steering wheel, his fingers gripping the leather in a relaxed way. Whenever Seb’s grip hardens, the veins on the back of his hand become more prominent and Lewis has a hard time trying not to openly stare at that.

The sun appears and disappears behind the trees, the rays getting caught by the golden wedding band on Seb’s right hand that’s resting on his thigh. Lewis bites down on his lips, closing his eyes again.

He’s been fighting against the thoughts that have been filling his head over the last few days, but he’s caught himself staring at Sebastian more times than he can count.

It almost seems as if his heart has just waited for him to finally understand what it’s been trying to tell him all along and now that Lewis knows, it’s trying to get Lewis to act as stupidly in love around Seb as he apparently is. Which is approximately around the level of a 13-year-old horny teenager and that’s just something Lewis doesn’t want to deal with, especially not in front of Seb’s whole family.

He knows he’s gay, hell, he’s even told Sebastian a long time ago. But somehow the realization of his feelings for Sebastian freaks him out, makes him feel more uncomfortable around his best friend than he’s ever felt before, more estranged than he’s ever wanted to feel when it comes to Sebastian.

When sleep hasn’t come to him for the third night in a row and he’s had enough of chastising himself for falling in love with Sebastian (“Seriously Lewis, it could’ve been anyone. Anyone but Sebastian, your best friend, a husband with three children…”), he’s called his brother, his voice ragged and tears forming in his eyes.

Nicolas actually had the audacity to laugh at him for a minute straight when he’s told him about Seb, and Lewis has been close to just ending the call, a mixture of hurt and confusion written on his face, when his brother finally stopped.

“Lew, I can’t believe it took you that long. Dad’s been asking me for years if there’s something going on between the two of you, because you always look so lovingly into his eyes.”

“I do not!”

“Oi, come on, don’t play dumb with me. Have you ever actually seen pictures of the two of you together? No wonder Nico was always so jealous of Seb.”

Lewis has wanted to end the call shortly after, not really in the mood to talk about his past relationship with Nico. But before he could say goodbye, ready to succumb in his own misery again, the soft tone to Nicolas’ voice stopped him.

“Lew, I'm sorry for laughing at you. It's just - I was waiting for you to finally realize your own feelings for the last, like, seven years. It's taken you much longer than I thought it would.”

Lewis has had to swallow hard and leaned his head against the wall, eyes closed. There has been a feeling of nausea bubbling up in his stomach, an uncertainty engulfing his whole body. If Nicolas has known and his dad has already suspected as well - how many other people have noticed Lewis’ feelings before he did?

“Why did you never say anything?”

He’s heard a soft laughter over the phone and suddenly wished he was with Nicolas, with someone who knows him inside and out, someone who will never judge him for anything he ever says. It’s been such a long time since he’s last seen his brother and he would give everything to just be able to get hugged by him right now. After Seb, Nicolas definitely gives the best hugs.

“Would you have believed me?”

“...Probably not.”

Nicolas has let out another laugh, but this time Lewis has known he hasn’t been actively laughing at him.

“What are you gonna do now, Lew?”

Lewis has mindlessly started picking at the fluff on the duvet, the room only lightened up by the small lamp on his nightstand. It has painted the room in a low, but warm yellow light. He’s shrugged his shoulders as if Nick could have seen him right then, a sigh escaping his lips.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nick, Seb is married, he’s got a family! And yes, we might’ve hooked up sometimes over the last few years, but... he loves Hanna. More than anything else.”

“Wait, go back a second. You’ve hooked up with Sebastian?”

Lewis has bitten down on his lower lip, having to stop himself from banging his head against the wall behind him. Shit. He’s never told Nicolas about that.

“Uhm… Oops?”

He has heard a snort from the other end of the line and when his little brother has started to speak again, there’s been a mixture of disbelief and surprise shining through.

“I guess, go get it tiger?”

There’s been a short silence in which Nicolas has seemed unsure of what to say next, has been holding his breath in a way that has made it hard for Lewis to figure out what he’s actually been thinking.

“But Lewis, what are you waiting for then? I mean, yes, dad likes to over exaggerate. But even the media picks up on the strong and unique friendship you have and I gotta say, Seb is not really good at hiding those longing looks either. Sometimes that eye-fucking is definitely a bit too much for me as your brother to bear, do you mind telling him so?”

Lewis has buried his head in his hands, groaning in embarrassment whilst Nicolas has just laughed again. He can be such a prick sometimes.

“Please don’t say that ever again. Those words out of your mouth just sound so wrong, man.”

Nicolas still hasn’t stopped laughing and Lewis has been contemplating once more if he should’ve just hung up the phone. But Nick has gotten serious again quite quickly.

“Hey, I know it’s scary. Especially with Seb having a family and a wife. But I’ve seen you two together so many times now. He really cares about you, a lot. And maybe telling him about your feelings might be worth a shot?”

It’s been sweet how much his brother roots for him and Lewis has known that Nicolas wishes for nothing more than him to finally find happiness and peace. To find someone who anchors him, holding him in one spot for more than five minutes, who forces him to slow down and just enjoy the moment rather than thinking about what’s going to happen next.

But Lewis has known that it’s not gonna be Sebastian who will give that to him, no matter how much he’s wished and yearned for it. Seb has already found his home, here in Switzerland, with Hanna and with his kids. And Lewis doesn’t want to be a homewrecker again. He couldn’t have borne the implications it might’ve brought if he dared to open up to Sebastian about his feelings. A sad smile has stretched over his lips, and he’s closed his eyes once again, steeling himself for the words that are about to leave his mouth.

“I’m sorry Nick, I know you’re rooting for me and Seb here, but that’s not something that’s going to happen. I don’t want things to become weird between him and me, I need him in my life too much to put it at risk just because I was stupid enough to catch feelings for him. His friendship is more important to me than anything else.”

Nicolas has tried to convince him to just tell Sebastian the truth but has given up soon once he’s realized that Lewis would not budge from his position. He’s let out an exasperated sigh and Lewis was sure that he’s mumbled something along the lines of you’re so stubborn, you idiot but at least he’s told him that he loves him, before he hung up.

Sebastian suddenly pulls him out of his thoughts when he turns left into a parking lot, the car slowing down before coming to a stop in one of the spaces. There are only two other cars parked underneath the trees, either due to the early morning hour or because they’ve seemed to have chosen a good day to go on their hike.

“Are you okay? You were so quiet the whole time.”

There’s worry tinted in Seb’s blue eyes when he looks over at Lewis, his hands still gripping the steering wheel. Lewis smiles at him apologetically and feels a light blush rising in his cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m good, man. I was just still a bit tired, you kicked me out of bed way too early.”

That draws a chuckle out of Sebastian, and he gently squeezes Lewis’ knee, before opening the door and stepping out of the car. Lewis can’t stop himself from watching Seb stretching, reaching his arms up high over his head. Even if he wouldn’t know first-hand that Seb has very pronounced back muscles, the T-Shirt certainly doesn’t hide them. Blinking a few times, he has to force himself to tear his gaze away from Sebastian.

Get a grip.

When he finally steps out of the car as well, Seb has already opened the trunk and is currently trying to strap his monstrosity of a backpack on. Where Lewis has gone for a trendier hiking outfit, Sebastian has just opted for true efficiency. And Lewis might’ve raised his eyebrows at someone else wearing khaki coloured multifunctional hiking shorts with a white shirt and a red and blue plaid flannel, but he has to admit that Sebastian is actually able to pull it off without looking like a lumberjack. And even if he did, he’d at least look like a cute lumberjack.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Sebastian looks at him with a raised eyebrow, his right hand already placed on the trunk door, waiting for Lewis to finally get his backpack out.

Okay, he definitely needs to get a grip and right now would be the best time to start with it. If he continues to act like that, he won’t even have to tell Sebastian. Instead, his best friend would just figure his lovesick glances out by himself by the time they reach the summit.

“I’m fine, honestly. Stop being such a dad.”

He can see Sebastian pouting at him out of the corner of his eye when he bends down to grab his own backpack.

“But I am a dad.”

Lewis just grins when he’s strapping his backpack on, a twinkle in his eyes. Sebastian shuts the trunk and locks the car before giving Lewis the keys to put them in one of the fifty little pockets his backpack has.

Chapter Text

2020

Then they’re finally on their way, silence stretching out between them once again. The air is still humid and the long grass leaves dew on Lewis’ bare legs when they move through an open field that hasn’t been mowed yet this year. The sun is already moving up in the sky and the rays reflect in the small drops of water on the grass and bushes, creating a field of tiny diamonds.

It’s such a simple but breath-taking view that Lewis has to stop for a moment to take it all in. Sebastian gives him a knowing smile and just waits, his foot placed up on a stone next to the path, his hands resting on his thigh. He’s turning his face towards the sun, letting it warm his skin and the sunrays get caught in the blonde hair. It looks nearly golden in the morning sun, almost like a halo, and Lewis is reminded of a much younger Seb with light blonde hair that fell into his eyes, always accompanied by a cheeky smile on his lips.

So much but at the same time nearly nothing at all has changed since then and Lewis is hit by a sudden feeling of tranquillity and calmness that stretches through his whole body, engulfing him with a warm feeling of being home.

After a few minutes of basking in the early morning warmth, they resume their walk. The world around them is still sleepy, and only slowly does the forest begin to stir, fatigue still deep in its roots. The first few bees are leaving their nest, searching for already open flowers in the meadow and some birds are preening their feathers up in the trees.

The nearly invisible track in the meadow finally opens up to a forest path that starts off easy but becomes steeper the longer they go on. Lewis is glad he’s listened to Sebastian and wore his hiking shorts from the start seeing as he is already sweating in his breezy outfit. From time to time the trail is a bit strenuous, but that doesn’t take away the beauty of the hike. Lewis is constantly switching between admiring the beauty of the nature around him and pointing things out to Seb.

He loves his cities, loves Monaco and the sea, loves New York and the buzz of the people, loves London and the way it always welcomes him back home - but here, within the quiet of the woods and no one to see him but Sebastian, he feels as if he’s finally his true self, the person he is when no one wants something from him, no one expects anything from him.

“Look Lew,” Seb suddenly whispers, his hand wrapping around Lewis’ wrist, holding him back. Lewis has to squint his eyes to see where Sebastian is pointing to, but the small bunny decides to do him a favour and hop out of the bushes, directly into their path. He sits up on his hindlegs, ears standing up straight, and listens to the sounds of his surroundings. His little nose scrunches up as he snuffles, his face suddenly turning towards the two men as if he’s just picked up their scent.

For a moment, they stare at each other, Lewis holding his breath. Tilting his head slightly, the bunny’s brown eyes go once to Sebastian and then to Lewis, before he shakes himself and disappears into the bushes on the other side of the path.

“It was adorable,” Lewis says, still trying to catch sight of the disappearing bunny, but he’s lost him within seconds. When he looks back at Seb, the man is smiling at him and only then does Lewis notice that Seb’s hand is still wrapped around his wrist, his thumbs caressing the skin. Fighting the blush from creeping up his neck, Lewis wonders if Sebastian realizes what he’s doing or if it’s just something he automatically does now, after so many years of friendship.

“Yeah, it was! And it wasn’t even afraid of us,” Sebastian grins happily and lets go of Lewis’ wrist, much to the latter’s dismay.

They continue walking through the forest for another hour, chatting quietly to not disturb the silence of the mountains, before Seb stops at a bench. Even though they try to train as much as they can, the two men are still out of breath when they sit down. Sebastian tells him it’s that special kind of hiking condition that neither of them seems to be having right now. In all honesty, Lewis doesn’t even know when he’s last been walking up a mountain. Seb probably has a lot more training when it comes to that, which is also why he doesn’t seem to sweat quite as much as Lewis does.

They sit for a while, taking sips out of their water bottles, and let their gazes wander. The sun is standing high up in the sky by now and when Lewis looks at his watch, he’s surprised to see that it’s almost noon. He hasn’t even noticed that they’ve been walking for such a long time already.

“How long till we reach the summit?”

“Probably another hour. And then we’ll walk along the ridge hiking trail for a bit longer until we get to the spot where we’ll put up the tent for tonight.”

Throwing a quick look at his best friend, Lewis is overwhelmed by just how relaxed Sebastian seems to be. He’s clearly in his element here, where nothing of that usual buzz of the paddock surrounds him.
It’s not as if he doesn’t fit in with the cars, the noise and the media, but he seems to be a different person there. Hiding this side of him behind sarcasm, snarky comments and dad jokes.

It takes them a little less than an hour, before the trees start thinning out and the air seems to be getting colder the further up they go. Lewis is glad that they can’t see the peak from the trail, and he only focuses on setting one foot in front of the other, trying not to slip on the gravel path or the stones that are smooth and rounded after decades in which hikers have been stepping on to them. He always feels that seeing the summit from afar, walking towards it but seemingly not getting any closer, is a lot more exhausting than taking one last big step and suddenly seeing the summit cross in front of a breath-taking view over the valley.

And then they’re finally there.

“Woah.”

Slightly out of breath, as that last part has been a lot steeper than the trail before that, Lewis props his hands into his sides and takes some long and deep breaths.

The air tastes different up here; it’s crisp and sweet, mixed with sunshine and freedom.

Even though Sebastian must’ve been up here more than a few times already, Lewis loves how his face lights up when he is able to point out the little village at the foot of the mountain where they’ve parked the car, or how he can name all the surrounding mountains and even knows how tall most of them are.

There’s some snow on the mountain tops that are higher up than the one they’ve climbed, painting the peak in blinding white, and Seb makes him promise to come during the winter so they can go skiing with the kids.

The two men sit down beneath the summit cross, their backs leaning against the stone pillar, their sides pressed against each other. Lewis can feel Sebastian breathing in and out, slowly and deep, as if he wants to store as much of that fresh air in his lungs, wants even the tiniest part of his body to be touched by the immaculate and untainted sensation of just having climbed a mountain to stand at the top of the world.

“It’s beautiful,” Lewis smiles.

“Yeah, I know. Nothing really compares to that feeling of straining your body for hours and then suddenly reaching the end. Once you’ve made it to the top, it always feels like a success. Not like driving.
There you can get to the end and feel worse than when you’ve started.”

Sebastian chuckles, trying to dub the honesty of his words, but Lewis knows that he meant it exactly the way he’s said it. And it’s true, all of it.

So instead of replying, he just leans more against Sebastian, sliding down a bit further to be able to lay his head against the other man’s shoulder. Seb turns his head a little, a soft smile plays on his lips when his eyes meet Lewis’, before he turns back, his gaze mindlessly wandering over the view that’s presenting itself in front of their eyes.

Lewis could sit here forever and not miss anything - well, except maybe Roscoe. But he would probably have to carry the dog up the mountain and that’s not the kind of cardio activity he enjoys doing.

“Ferrari are not going to renew my contract.”

It takes him a few seconds to actively register what Sebastian has just said, the information stuck on its way to his brain because it literally makes no sense to Lewis.

“What?”

He straightens up again, scooting away from Seb to be able to look into his eyes. But Sebastian is just pulling his knees to his chest, staring at a point in the distance, mindlessly plucking grass.

“Ferrari are doing what?”

“They said they were not interested in continuing on together.”

Seb’s voice is quiet, barely audible. Lewis still thinks he must’ve misheard and is trying to make sense of what Sebastian has just told him.

“Why on earth would they do that?”

His voice is quiet, too, but that’s because Lewis has a hard time suppressing the anger that’s boiling up within him.

“They want to focus more on Charles. Mattia thinks he will finally bring them back to glory, give them back the competitiveness and the championships I failed to give to them.”

And then Sebastian starts crying.

For a moment Lewis just sits in the grass and looks at Seb, his hands helplessly resting on his thighs, unsure of what to do.

“Seb, you did not fail. If anyone failed, it was Ferrari. They failed you so many times over the last few years that I don’t really get how you can still have so much love for that team.”

Moving to kneel in front of Sebastian, Lewis softly cradles Seb’s cheeks in his palms.

“Hey, look at me.”

Sebastian only obeys reluctantly. The tears have darkened his eyes and there’s a dejectedness mirroring in them that Lewis is unable to accept.

“I need you to understand that it wasn’t your fault. You gave them everything you had. Everything. And they just watched you struggling more and more while focusing on Charles so clearly that everyone else could see. They just took every idea and every proposition about the car you gave them, without giving anything back. Seb, they failed you. Not the other way around.”

Sebastian keeps his eyes locked with Lewis’ but the Brit can see that his gaze is far away, considering the words Lewis has just uttered, playing them over and over in his head. He closes his eyes and leans his head back against the stone pillar behind him.

Lewis is unsure of whether to push more or to give Sebastian some time to consider, but then Seb starts speaking, his voice nearly getting lost in the breeze that winds its way around the mountains.

“I just... I don’t get it. Did I forget how to drive? Is it possible to actually forget from one day to the next?”

Of course not, you’re a four-time world champion, did you forget about that, Lewis wants to say, but Sebastian hasn’t finished talking yet. It doesn’t escape him, that Sebastian’s face contorts almost painfully as if the words leaving his mouth are causing him physical pain.

“I should just quit. Stop driving, get away from Formula 1. It’s not like another team might actually want me for next season, ‘cause why should they? I’m not consistent, I’ve won only one fucking race and I wasn’t even able to finish three of the other ones.”

“Seb, Charles only won one more race than you.”

“And he’s also been on the podium one more time than I have.”

“This is bullshit and you know it. Sebastian, you’re one of the greatest drivers in F1 history, have you already forgotten about that?”

Eventually, Seb opens his eyes again, a surprised look shimmering through the darkened blue eyes as if he still isn’t used to Lewis having his back after all these years, as if he still thinks that even his best friend might turn away from him and leave him fighting for himself like everyone else seems to have done.

“Who the hell is supposed to fight me on the track the same way you do?”

Lewis’ voice becomes gentle and soft, finally seeming to get through the wall that Sebastian has already built around himself in order to protect himself from the heartbreak of losing something that’s so dear to him, something that’s connected to him in a way that he will never get rid of. The speed, the adrenaline, the mindset - all of those things are engraved in his muscles, his bones, his heart.

“Even if I stay and another team signs me, I don’t think you’ll be fighting against me on the track, Lew.”

Lewis sighs at the dejectedness that’s still shining through Seb’s words, but he tries to hold on to the tiny twitch Seb’s lips do as if they were close to curling into a smile.

“You don’t know that, and you will never know if you stop now.”

Sebastian rolls his eyes at that, but the tightness in his shoulders slowly loosens. Lewis notices that his fingers aren’t digging into his thighs anymore, instead his palms are brushing over the soft grass.
There’s even a smirk on his face, when he looks at Lewis again.

“Am I gonna get a typical Lewis Hamilton believe in yourself speech now?”

Raising an eyebrow, Lewis leans back a bit, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“What’s wrong with my cheer up speeches?”

His heart does a little treacherous jump when Sebastian smiles at him, an honest and grateful expression on his face.

“Nothing. I actually appreciate them… most of the time.”

Of course, Sebastian feels the need to add that last part with a smug look on his face that Lewis can only roll his eyes at. He huffs, mockingly annoyed, before letting out a sigh.

“You’re so incredibly…” Lewis struggles to find the right word to describe what he wants to say, and Sebastian takes advantage of the brief pause.

“Handsome?”

Sometimes Lewis thinks that there must be a tiny part of Sebastian’s brain that’s entirely dedicated to finding witty and sarcastic remarks as well as the dumbest dad jokes it can think of.

“I thought that was me. At least that’s what you told the entire press room last season.”

He can’t believe that Sebastian actually blushes, his hand rubbing over his neck in embarrassment and Lewis doesn’t know what to make of it. He can’t recall if he’s ever seen Seb blush because of him but he’d be lying if he says he doesn’t like it. Lewis is so surprised by it that he even forgets to tease the blonde about it.

“Ja, ja,” Sebastian mumbles, his gaze averted to the ground, seemingly trying his best to avoid looking at Lewis right now.

He’s cute when he’s flustered, Lewis thinks.

“Ja ja ist die kleine Schwester von scheiße.”

Sebastian snorts, a hand in front of his mouth to hide his big grin. He’s still trying to act mad around Matilda every time she says that, mainly because Hanna does not think it’s something a five-year-old girl should even know about, but in all honesty - Sebastian always has to fight against himself to not just start laughing out loud whenever his daughter says those words with full fervour accompanied by a pout.

“Of course, that’s the only German sentence you know. After all these years that we’ve known each other, my 5-year-old teaches you that.”

Lewis just grins victoriously and shrugs before leaning back, his weight supported by his arms propped up behind him.

They sit like that for a little while longer, faces turned towards the sun, enjoying the warmth of the rays. Only when Lewis notices that the tip of Seb’s nose is getting a reddish tint, he gets up, pulling Sebastian with him.

It’s a miracle that no one else has been coming up the mountain for the last two hours and Lewis is sure that part of this incredible feeling the hike has evoked in him is due to the fact that it’s only been him and Sebastian the whole day. They haven’t spent that much time together for ages and Lewis doesn’t even want to think about the fact that his flight to Monaco leaves in four days.

He’s grown so used to having Seb and the kids around him at all times; even Hanna has been opening up to him again after a rough start and the evenings spent on the porch, a glass of wine in each of their hands and a kid on each of their laps has given Lewis something that he never knew he could long for that much.

But whenever Matilda gives him that big toothy smile of hers - she’s lost her two front teeth last week - or when Emilie cuddles closer to him on the couch, or when Julian falls asleep in his arms faster than he does with Seb and Hanna, there’s a feeling of calmness settling over him, that he’s never known before. And it makes him both incredibly happy and sad, because he knows it’s only for a limited period of time and he’ll be back in his quiet and lonely flat in Monaco within a few days.

He gets pulled out of his thoughts by Sebastian who hands him a water bottle, urging him to take a few sips before they start the last bit of their hike for today. Since the path over the ridge is relatively even, the rest of their way is pleasantly easy. The path leads them slightly down the mountain and soon the first trees appear next to them again, the forest painting the evening a bit darker than it is as the sun vanishes behind the treetops.

Sebastian throws him a smile over his shoulder that’s telling Lewis it’s not long now, just you wait, and Lewis can feel himself getting nervous even though he has no reason for it. But he can’t wait to see the place that Seb so safely guards in his heart and that he hasn’t shown anyone else - yet. Something prompted the blonde to decide that Lewis should be the first one to experience it with him and that is enough to make the butterflies in Lewis’ stomach go crazy.

Suddenly, Seb turns right, leaving the forest trail and steps in between the trees.

“You haven’t planned all of this just to kill me now, right? I can have a word with Toto, maybe you can get the other Mercedes seat next year without having to get rid of me,” Lewis jokes and Seb snorts again. Even without seeing his friend’s face, Lewis knows that he is rolling his eyes.

“I’m pretty sure I would’ve thought of a smarter move to get your seat, Lew.”

Sebastian holds the twigs of a bush out of their way, letting Lewis step through and for a moment the latter holds in his steps, surprised by the view that’s presenting itself in front of him.

He’s standing at the edge of a small meadow that nearly has a perfectly round shape, encircled by trees all around. There’s a pond right in front of Lewis and Sebastian, the crystal-clear water reflecting the blue sky above them, a frog jumping into it when it notices the movements of the two men out of the corner of its eyes.

“Seb, this is beautiful,” Lewis breathes, scared he might break the spell by being too loud.

This place looks like it’s straight out of a fairy-tale and Lewis nearly expects a horse with a knight on its back accompanied by a small fairy to enter the meadow any second now.

Sebastian has a knowing look on his face when he steps past Lewis into the clearing, turning around in a circle, his gaze fixed on the sky. He looks so incredibly small compared to the nature around him, but at the same time, it feels as if Seb belongs right here. As if he was part of a fairy-tale that Lewis has stepped into, his knight in shining armour, or more like, his knight in khaki shorts and a plaid flannel.

"Do you like it?"

There's an uncertainty buried within Seb's voice and Lewis can't help but feel like Seb is actually worried he might not like it, might not like this piece that's so deeply connected with him.

"Of course, I do. It's gorgeous, I can't wait for the sun to go down and see the stars."

The smile Sebastian gives him is blinding and Lewis has to avert his eyes to the ground, tries to focus on putting down his backpack and starting to set up the tent. His heart suddenly aches for Seb's touches, having nearly forgotten what it feels like to have the soft fingertips dance over his skin, his lips lost in the longing for the faint reminder of the other pair pressed against them. It rolls over Lewis like a wave, and he can't stop the thoughts from emerging, his breath getting caught in his throat, his fingers suddenly stiff and the tent pole he's currently trying to put together slips through his hands.

"You okay?"

Lewis just nods, without looking Sebastian into his eyes, too embarrassed by the thoughts that are currently invading his mind. They continue to work in silence, only interrupted by Sebastian telling Lewis what to do, the instructions discarded in the grass.

Once they've managed to put up the tent, Sebastian starts to unpack his backpack, putting the Tupperware full of delicious food down between the two of them. They have leftover vegan lasagne from yesterday and pizza Margherita with a vegan cheese from the day before yesterday alongside some carrots, cucumber and bell pepper that they dip into home-made hummus. Lewis is pretty sure he's never tasted anything as good as this, but it might be the mountain air that gives the food this little something.

"How have you even found this place?" Lewis asks between taking a bite off his carrot, finally able to look into his best friend's eyes again without having the urge to kiss him senseless.

"I needed to pee and because there was a group of people behind me on the path, I went a bit deeper into the forest and I suddenly stepped into this clearing."

Lewis nearly chokes on the carrot when he starts laughing and Seb has to slap him on the back so he can breathe again.

"It's not that funny," Seb says defensively, but the smile on his lips is betraying his voice.

"Oh yes man, it definitely is."

Seb just rolls his eyes but doesn't stop smiling and Lewis knows that he's probably agreeing but doesn't want to concede. Apart from himself Seb is the most stubborn person Lewis knows.

Once the sun has vanished completely behind the trees, it doesn't take long for the first stars to appear, and Lewis is transfixed by the way they're reflected in the pond.

"Seb, look. It's as if the stars fell into the water."

The blonde chuckles but comes to Lewis' side, nevertheless. He curls in on himself, his arms wrapped around his legs, his head laying on Lewis' shoulder and the Brit hesitates for a moment before he puts his arm around Seb, pulling him closer to his side.

"Hey, Sebastian?"

"Mh?"

"Please don't give up. I need you there with me next season. I don't know how to do this without you."

Sebastian stays silent, keeping his gaze on the pond, and Lewis fears he might've taken it a step too far, might've revealed more of his feelings than he wanted to.

Suddenly, there's a streak of light travelling across the surface of the water and Sebastian's head snaps up, an expression of childlike wonder written on his face.

"A shooting star. Quick, make a wish!"

Lewis' eyes are still fixed on Sebastian, his thumb rubbing circles over the blonde's arm.

"I already told you mine."

Sebastian is pouting when he turns his head to look at Lewis, but there's a twinkle hidden in his eyes and Lewis is sure it's not the stars being reflected in the depths of Seb's eyes. He's got his own stars laced into the blue; stars that put these luminous balls of gas in the night sky to shame.

"Lew, you're not supposed to say it out loud or else it won't come true."

Sometimes Seb just can't hide his inner child, but Lewis is glad that he doesn't do it. It's adorable.

"It will come true if you promise to not stop fighting for your dreams."

Seb nestles closer into Lewis, one of his hands closing around Lewis’ hand that is not currently wrapped around Sebastian's shoulder and he intertwines their fingers. Lewis ignores the jump his heart does and the way his skin seems to burn where the younger one touches him.

"I promise."

He nearly misses it, because Seb seems to mumble it rather to the stars than directing it at Lewis, but it feels like a win, nevertheless.

A weight is lifted off of Lewis' heart and a content sigh slips through his lips.

"Thank you," he breathes, and before he can think about it twice, he presses a kiss on the blonde hair.

Chapter Text

2020

During the night, the temperature drops lower than Lewis has expected and in the early morning hours he’s extremely happy that Seb has made him pack an extra blanket - even though he’s complained about the added weight to his backpack before.

They’re both not the biggest morning people, so they start quietly into the day, each eating a pretzel that Seb has gotten from the bakery the day before. They taste a bit stale, but Lewis is just happy he’s got something in his stomach before they start packing up their things and getting ready to go back home again.

It takes them about two and a half hours until they step out of the forest at the foot of the mountain and Lewis feels exhaustion settle in his bones. He’s glad when they get back to the car and he can finally step out of his hiking boots and back into his comfy trainers. Sebastian laughs at his gleeful expression when he puts the boots in the trunk.

“You just have to break them in properly, then they’ll be as comfortable as your sneakers.”

Lewis just shoots Sebastian a weary look, not really convinced of what the blonde is saying.

“Still a questionable fashion choice.”

“The mountain is not a runway,” Seb mumbles, nearly inaudible, when he throws his backpack into the trunk and changes his shoes as well. But Seb probably just doesn’t want to get his car dirty with the hiking boots.

“Everywhere can be a runway, if you know how to do it,” Lewis winks and earns a groan from Sebastian.

The drive back home takes them a bit longer because there’s a flock of sheep standing right on the road, blocking their way, and the shepherd has a hard time trying to get them off the concrete. Lewis can’t help but take a video to upload in his Instagram stories, too amused by all of this, while Sebastian just waits patiently, as if it was a normal occurrence here in Switzerland. But what does Lewis know, maybe it actually is.

Matilda and Emilie are already waiting for them in front of the house, watching Bruno and Roscoe chasing each other around in circles in the driveway. They run up to them as soon as the two men get out of the car and it’s such a weird but nice feeling to know that someone was waiting for him to come back home.

He presses a kiss on top of Matilda’s blonde curls when the small girl wraps her arms around his leg. She says something to him in German that he can’t understand, but Seb is quick to translate when Lewis throws him a questioning look.

“She missed having you around to play UNO, because neither Hanna nor Emilie want to play with her.”

Lewis laughs at that and ruffles through Matilda’s hair. He promises to play a game or two as soon as he and Sebastian have unpacked the car and he’s had the chance to get a shower.

The rest of the day is quite uneventful. Lewis mainly spends it by playing games with the kids and baking a vegan apple pie with Sebastian in the afternoon, that ends more in a kitchen battle of who can get more flour on the other person than in actually baking a cake, but even Hanna gives them praise when she tastes the pie afterwards. However, that’s only because she hasn’t seen the mess that they’ve created in the kitchen beforehand.

Hanna offers to make dinner while the two men are sitting in the living room, watching the nightly episode of das Sandmännchen with the kids. Matilda has made herself comfortable on Lewis’ lap, while Emilie is sitting next to him, her legs curled up on the couch which leaves no room for Sebastian anymore. He sits down in front of the couch, leaning back against it, his gaze currently locked on his phone.

They haven’t talked about Ferrari and Seb’s contract anymore after last night, but Lewis can see that Sebastian is currently reading a newspaper article about his team that leaves a frown on his face. Lewis nudges his left foot against Seb’s back as softly as he can, so he doesn’t disturb Matilda.

“Stop it,” he mumbles when Seb glances at him and the blonde gives him a sheepish look, but closes the tab. Instead, Lewis can see that he starts looking at some old-timers that are being sold nearby - apparently the garage still isn’t packed enough yet.

He concentrates on the TV program again, when Matilda pulls at his sleeve, pointing towards something that’s happening in the Piggeldy & Frederick cartoon. He’s so absorbed in trying to catch up on the story behind the two animated pigs without being able to understand what the characters are saying that his heart nearly stops when he suddenly feels Sebastian’s hand closing around his ankle, his fingers lightly massaging the skin. But when he steals another glance at his friend, Seb doesn’t even seem to notice what he’s doing.

When Hanna steps through the door to set the table for dinner, the bottles of water nearly slip out of her hands as her eyes get stuck on the picture in front of her. Matilda is cuddling into Lewis, her small head tucked under his chin, his arm around her waist to keep her from falling down when he leans forward to see what Sebastian is showing him on his phone.

Sebastian has his hand loosely wrapped around Lewis' ankle, his other one holding up his phone so the Brit can see what he is talking about. But it's Seb's eyes and his smile that make her want to turn around and leave, that bore into her heart and soul in the most hurtful and suffocating way ever, because he's never looked at her like that. It's the look he’s saved for Lewis alone, the one she thought was lost along the years, lost in Seb and her building a house, building a family.

She doesn’t even want to think about the possibility of what's happened during their hiking trip and wishes for nothing more than the silence of the mountains to keep that secret, but she can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop the images from developing in her mind.

Hanna silently backtracks into the kitchen again and closes the door. Her back leans against the wood and she draws in a shaky breath as she’s sliding down the door, the two bottles of water still in her hands when she wraps her arms around her legs. There’s a clunking sound when glass hits glass that echoes through the kitchen.

It’s so unfair.

She can't believe that she has let herself be lulled by the last few years, can’t believe that it was enough to close her eyes in order to feel as if everything had gone back to normal. As if she has never had doubts about Sebastian, about them. As if she’s never had those images of him and Lewis haunt her at night.

The worst part is, she doesn’t even know if she has the strength to confront her husband about it or if she’s just gonna let this slide; again. Maybe she has to learn that it’s enough to have Sebastian come home to them every week for a few days, before being gone again, off to a different country, a different racetrack.

Off to a weekend where Lewis is always around the corner.

Hanna presses her mouth into a thin line, her fingers fumbling on the wrapper of one of the glass bottles. She doesn’t want to act as if everything’s okay, doesn’t want to pretend it doesn’t hurt, when Sebastian says I’m sorry, honey, I’m just not in the mood, doesn’t want to put her needs and wishes second to her kids’, her husband’s.

Is it too much to ask to be loved, to be cared for, to be desired? When is she finally allowed to take again, after years and years of just giving? Of having Sebastian's back, of being the perfect wife who is just there standing in the shadows, giving him room to shine, but always ready when he needs her?

Suddenly, someone’s pressing down the door handle, trying to open the door where Hanna is still sitting in front of.

“Mama?”

Hanna takes a deep breath, then she gets up, forcing a smile on her lips. She opens the door for Emilie, who regards her with a look that Hanna can’t quite decipher.

“Do you need something, Em?”

“Just wanted something to drink,” Emilie mutters and lowers her gaze, walking straight to the kitchen cabinet where the glasses are stored. Hanna furrows her brows but doesn’t say anything. When she turns around to finally do what she’s wanted to do a few minutes ago - that is, to set the table - Emilie speaks up.

“Is uncle Lewis Papa’s best friend?”

Turning back around, Hanna tilts her head lightly, confused as to why Emilie is asking her about that now.

“Yes Maus, he is.”

Em steps on the stool to hop up on the kitchen counter and fills her glass with tap water in the sink next to her, her legs dangling in the air. Usually, Hanna would reprimand her to get off the kitchen counter, but her daughter looks so lost in her thoughts that she probably wouldn’t listen to her anyways.

“So, he loves him like he loves you?”

“What do you mean?”

Emilie scrunches her nose up like she always does, when she’s a bit confused.

“Well, they’re always laughing, and they hug a lot, like you and Papa do, and uncle Lewis always helps Papa when he doesn’t know what to do on his phone, and they’re always smiling at each other.”

Hanna has to force herself to keep a straight face. This is definitely not what she was expecting but, in all honesty, after how she’s just seen Lewis and Sebastian in the living room, it’s not necessarily strange that Emilie might have picked up on something.

She’s gotta have a talk with Sebastian tonight.

Quickly crossing the kitchen, Hanna stands next to her daughter, leaning against the kitchen counter as well. It’s hard, trying to work out what to say, without letting her anger and frustration for Sebastian shine through, but she doesn’t want Em to pick up on that as well.

“Friendship love and relationship love are quite similar, Maus. They’re both based on the same grounds, like trust and understanding. But you also love every person a bit differently. You always love to assign people colours, right?”

Emilie nods, before she places her head on Hanna’s shoulder. The girl has started giving people colours that she associated with them a few years ago during a time where she was into drawing a lot and Sebastian and Hanna had to buy her one of those massive pencil boxes from Farber Castell that had 100 different shades in it.

When Emilie opened it, she looked at the different colours for a long time, before taking three of them out and going back to her parents to show them.

“Those are beautiful colours,” Seb has said, pressing a kiss on top of Emilie’s hair. The little girl has smiled her toothless grin at him, before pressing the dark green pencil into his hand.

“That’s you, Papa. Because you always love to be in the forest and you always comfort me, when not even my green cuddly blanket can. So, you’re like my cuddly blanket, but just a lot better.”

Seb’s had tears in his eyes afterwards, hugging his daughter close before Em wriggled out of his grasp, going over to her mother. Hanna’s gotten a sunflower yellow, because she always made Emilie laugh, even when she didn’t want to and because she was as beautiful as the sun in Em’s eyes. The last colour was a dark red and it was for Matilda, because she was still angry at her little sister for breaking the tower out of building blocks Emilie’s made this morning. (Matilda’s colour changes daily, depending on how well the two are getting along that day.)

Hanna smiles down at her daughter and lets her fingers run through the soft blonde hair.

“And just like the colours you give people are different, so is your love for each person individually. So, your Papa loves both me and Lewis, but he also loves you and your siblings, or his Mama and Papa.”

Emilie seems to think about that for a few minutes, turning the glass of water around in her hands. Then she looks up at Hanna, a smile on her lips.

“I think he loves you a bit more though,” Emilie answers in a low, conspiratorial voice, before she lets out a giggle, hugs her mother from the side and then jumps down the kitchen counter, walking back into the living room.

If only.

Hanna draws in a shaky breath and rubs her hands over her face, only noticing then that they’re slightly shaking. How is she supposed to go on like this, when even her 6-year-old daughter notices something? She’s just glad that Lewis will leave during the next week, letting them go back to being a normal family again, without anyone there who’s not supposed to be there.

Before she leaves the kitchen for the second time within the last minutes, she closes her eyes for a moment, trying to calm herself down and to not let her feelings show too much on her face. She doesn’t want to be an open book for Sebastian, and the kids don’t deserve a negative atmosphere when they can’t even understand what it’s about.

And after all, she’s done incredibly well in masking her emotions over the last few years, not only in front of the media or noisy neighbours, but also in front of her husband. Lewis is not going to be the one who’s throwing her off track.

When Sebastian finally opens the door of their bedroom that night after having cleaned the whole house whilst having a quiet chat with Lewis who has helped him do the dishes, all he wants to do is fall into bed. But when he steps into the room, Hanna is still awake, eyeing him with a gaze that’s the perfect showpiece for “if look could kill”.

"Get a grip, Sebastian."

Seb blinks a few times, confusion and fatigue slowing down his mind.

"What?"

"If your oldest daughter asks me if you love Lewis the way you love me you might want to overthink looking at him like a lovesick puppy."

It feels like a punch to his gut, all the air pressed out at once. He wants to say something, wants to defend himself and tell Hanna how he's definitely not a lovesick puppy. But his wife simply turns her back towards him, turns off the light and pulls the blanket over her head as a clear sign that she doesn't want to continue the conversation. In all fairness, it's not as if he would've known what to say.

He sees the seconds ticking away on the alarm clock but doesn’t realize he’s standing in the dark for two minutes, a coldness settling in his spine that’s making it impossible to move. Only when Hanna shifts underneath the blanket is he suddenly back in the here and now, and his feet carry him out of the room by themselves, his mind still not working properly.

The house is dark and quiet, only a narrow strip of light beneath Lewis’ door reveals that he is still awake. For a second Seb considers knocking on his door, but he’s not sure he can see Lewis right now without talking about what’s happened, and why he’s so rattled - besides, Lewis would want a reason for Hanna's reaction and Seb doesn't know if he can keep it to himself right now, or if he’d pour his entire heart out to Lewis right then and there.

And that’s something Seb has promised himself to never do six years ago.

So, he walks past Lewis’ door as quietly as he can, and goes down the stairs, his hands searching for the banister to avoid tripping over a step in the dark. He’s glad Roscoe is sleeping upstairs in Lewis’ room, because he wouldn’t be as indifferent to Seb coming into the living room in the middle of the night as Bruno is right now. The dog just lifts his head when Sebastian steps into the moonshine that’s falling through the window, but he stays quiet when Seb pats his head for a second.

Opening the doors to the porch, he steps out into the night, taking a deep breath of the cold air that’s chased away the heat of the day. There are just a few clouds in the sky, moving sluggishly across the firmament as it’s an almost windless night.

The stars don’t shine as bright as they did up on the mountain yesterday, however.

He sits down on the wooden floor of the porch, his back leaning against the house wall, the coldness of the brick seeping into the shirt he’s wearing, and a sudden shudder runs through his body. Seb doesn’t know if it’s because of the cold or the incident with Hanna.

His gaze is locked at the sky, desperately searching for a shooting star to cast a wish on, hoping for any divine entity to help him out of a situation he doesn’t want to be in. Giving up after a few minutes, he unlocks his phone, dialling a number he knows by heart.

"Seb? It's late..."

"I love him."

Kimi goes completely quiet on the other end, and Seb momentarily fears he might’ve taken him so much by surprise that his former teammate has stopped breathing. Then he hears the rustle of bedsheets and Kimi’s mumble in the background.

“Se on Sebastian. Tulen pian takaisin.”

Shit, he’s probably already been asleep and now he’s woken up both him and Minttu, just because instead of acting like the 33-year-old man he is, Sebastian behaves more like a teenager right now, not able to make any of his life choices or deal with the mistakes he’s made in the past by himself.

“Kimi, wait, please just go back to bed if I’ve woken you up.”

But Kimi just grumbles, and Sebastian can hear him opening and then closing a door, before he starts talking again.

“Okay, so why did you decide to throw me out of bed at half past eleven for telling me something I’ve known for a long time?”

Seb is glad that Kimi doesn’t sound too mad at him, and he leans his head back against the wall, closing his eyes.

“I’ve never explicitly told you though.”

Kimi laughs quietly and Seb knows, without seeing his friend, that he is rolling his eyes in that fond manner he always does when he thinks Sebastian has said something incredibly stupid.

“It was obvious, like I’ve already told you before.”

Kimi once told him that just because he’s quiet all the time doesn’t mean he’s not catching up on things that are happening around him and Seb should’ve probably listened to that earlier. Suddenly there’s panic rising within Sebastian, and he opens his eyes again, his gaze interlaced with fear when he looks back up at the night sky.

“Does anyone else know?”

Kimi stays silent for so long, that Sebastian is close to freaking out, his mind painting the most horrible scenarios where nearly everyone in the paddock knows and he’s just had enough luck over the years no one spilled it to the media - yet.

“I don’t think a lot of people really know. Most of them are used to your friendship by now, even though they might not fully understand it. But I don’t think anyone’s ever tried to read more into it.”

A calmness starts settling over Sebastian again and he exhales heavily. He pulls his legs close to his body and puts his head on his knees, closing his eyes once more.

“Okay… okay, good. I think that’s good.”

“So have you finally accepted you’re about as straight as a roundabout?”

Sebastian can’t help but snort at this, which then results in a fit of laughter when he tries to picture himself trying to recreate a circle with his own body, which looks as ridiculous in his mind as the mere thought already is and he tries to keep as quiet as he can, but - it was funny and Seb is just too tired, too worn out, too riled up by Hanna’s comment from before that he cannot stop himself.

“Is that fatigue or is your madness finally coming through?” Kimi asks and there is some kind of worry displayed in the way his voice softens.

For some reason that Sebastian can’t quite explain, this makes him even laugh harder and by now, there are actual tears forming in his eyes from laughing too much.

“I- I- I don’t know,” he hiccups, pressing his mouth against his arm, trying to not wake up anyone else in the house. Kimi lets him have his laughing fit, doesn’t say anything else and just patiently waits
for Sebastian to stop laughing. And, well, he’s probably regretting taking that phone call in the first place.

But suddenly the tears are no longer tears of laughter, but real tears; tears for his children, tears for the marriage he is currently driving to the wall, tears for his best friend and his own feelings that he will never be able to confess to him, tears for a love that he’s longing for with all that he is but that he will probably never get to feel, a love that will never be reciprocated.

Fuck, it hurts.

And Sebastian is sitting on his porch in the middle of the night, freezing in his shirt and shorts, crying because there’s so much in his life that he’s destroying right now, that his feelings are destroying.

All of a sudden there’s an anger boiling up inside him, momentarily overpowering the sadness; an anger that’s directed at Lewis because he’s making it so hard for Seb to not be in love with him, making
it so hard to not long for his beautiful best friend and for a second Sebastian can’t distinguish whether what he’s feeling for Lewis right now is love or resentment.

“He makes it so hard, Kimi,” Sebastian says, his voice only a whisper broken through by the sobs that are still shaking through his body and he clutches his fingers tightly around the phone, “he’s making it so damn hard to not be in love with him and every time I think I’m finally over this, finally over him, he’s back again with that stupid smile and those stupid eyes and his stupid laugh and I just - I fall in love with him even more than I was before.”

His sad laugh following the sudden outburst finally stops the tears, but it doesn’t stop the pain that makes him dig his fingers into his legs, trying to lessen the ache that contracts his heart painfully.

“Seb…” Kimi sounds as if he’s not sure what to say, a reserved tone to his voice.

“What am I supposed to do here? There's not a single option with a positive outcome and I don’t want to hurt the kids, I don’t want to hurt Hanna. But I don’t think we can go on like this, it’s just so unfair to her. She doesn’t deserve any of this. She deserves someone who can love her with all his heart and give her everything she needs. And that’s definitely not me, I’m just a sad excuse for a husband.”

Sitting up straight again, he can see the moonlight falling on his wedding ring, reflecting off the gold and it makes Seb’s stomach churn and nausea is rising up in him. It feels so much heavier, seemingly pulling him down even more and without a second thought he pulls it off, stuffing it in the pocket of his shorts. It doesn’t miraculously dispel his thoughts, but it feels lighter, easier. Maybe he should take it as a sign just how easy it was for him to take it off and put it away as if it’s never been there before. Only the skin beneath the ring, slightly lighter than the rest, stores the memory that there was something there before.

“Sebastian? Are you still with me?”

Kimi pulls him out of his thoughts and Seb tears his gaze away from his ring finger, instead opting to look at the night sky again.

Maybe there will be a shooting star willing to help him out after all.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry.”

“You stopped crying?”

There are still dried tears on his cheeks, but for now, Seb is calm again - or at least he tries to be. Overreacting is not something that will help him and theoretically he knows that.

“Yeah. I’m sorry Kimi, I just didn’t know who else to call.”

Kimi’s voice goes soft and Seb wishes he was here, so he could ask for a hug.

“Don’t be sorry. You can always come to me, you know that.”

Silence stretches out once more, but this time it’s comfortable and Sebastian can use the time to think.

“I need to tell her, right? Like, all of it.”

“Do you think you will fall out of love with Lewis at some point?”

Hesitation keeps Seb from answering immediately, but Kimi lets him take his time.

Will there ever be a time, when his stomach won’t do flips every time Lewis gives him that bright smile, where his dimples become visible, and Sebastian wants nothing more than to kiss them? Will there be a time he won’t catch himself staring at Lewis’ lips when the other one is telling him something, a time where he won’t have to chastise himself for searching for that little bit of skin on skin, searching for that closeness that makes his whole body tingle and the hairs on his neck stand up? Will there ever be a time where Lewis’ hug won’t make him feel like he’s just come home, as if nothing could hurt him as long Lewis was there right next to him?

“No. No, I don’t think I will ever not be in love with him,” Seb croaks, his eyes closed in defeat.

Not a chance.

“Then I just see one solution. You tell Hanna, you tell Lewis.”

“I will tell Hanna. I promise. Even though I know what that will entail. But I can’t tell Lewis.”

There’s an exasperated sigh on the other end of the line as if they’ve had that conversation many times before today, even though they haven’t. But perhaps Kimi’s had this very discussion in his head already.

“Sebastian…”

Kimi never calls him by his full name except when he’s getting annoyed.

“No, please don’t try to change my mind, Kimi. I need Lewis in my life, because I can’t do this without him. And I know that even if I told him and he wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings, he would try to not act differently towards me. But something always changes, small things, that turn into something bigger and little by little, our friendship will change. And I can’t deal with any more changes right now, especially if I’m gonna have that talk with Hanna, because we both know what will happen after that.”

He stops for a second, to take a deep breath, nearly stumbling over the words that are coming out of his mouth, because he’s speaking so quickly.

“Lewis is the one constant in my life that I can always rely on. If that changes as well, I won’t know how to go on.”

“You’re a drama queen,” Kimi huffs out, but his voice is soft and fond. “I get it, though, but I just want you to be happy. I know you don’t believe it, but you deserve to be happy, too.”

Seb bites down hard on his lips to keep the tears that are forming in his eyes from wetting his face once more. Kimi’s words hit home more than he would ever admit out loud.

But why should he be worthy of love, especially Lewis’ love, when all he’s done over the past years was lie and cheat on his wife even though she was never anything but loyal and understanding. He’s turned into a man whom he would never want as a role model for his kids, yet here he is, representing all the wrong views and values.

“You’re thinking too loud.”

Sighing, Seb rubs his hand over his face, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to keep the headache away that’s already announcing itself with a dull throbbing in his temples. He’s gotta remember to take an Aspirin before going to bed.

“I know, I know. I think I should just go to bed now, I’m too tired to think straight,” he hears Kimi snort, but before he can say something, Sebastian already continues talking, “please just keep that comment to yourself, I know you wanted to say something. Thank you, though. It means a lot that you’re okay with me being… not straight, and that you’ve put up with all of my bullshit over the last few years.”

“It’s alright. Just get your ass to bed and get some sleep.”

There’s so much more that Sebastian wants to say, so much more he feels like he needs to thank Kimi for, but he already wishes him a good night and hangs up, the beeping sound of the ended phone call echoing in the quiet night.

Seb stays on the porch for a few more minutes, trying to calm himself down as much as he can, before he stands up, a bit wobbly on his feet. Bruno is fast asleep when he enters the living room again and he’s quietly crossing the room to get to the kitchen, where he searches through the drawer with their medicine for the Aspirin.

While the pill is sizzling away in a glass of water, Sebastian makes himself a bed on the couch, throwing off the pillows and taking one of the thin blankets out of the cabinet. He can’t go back into their bedroom tonight to sleep next to Hanna, pretending as if nothing has happened, and because Lewis is currently occupying their guest room he’ll have to make do with the couch.

It takes him a long time to fall asleep that night, either due to Bruno’s snoring or because Kimi’s words keep replaying in his mind.

You deserve to be happy, too.

He wishes he could believe that.

When Lewis wakes him up the next morning, Sebastian is happy that he doesn’t ask any questions, instead he just helps his best friend to tidy up before the kids come downstairs.

Lewis leaves two days later, and it feels as if some part of Seb is leaving as well. Even though he knows he’s hugging Lewis for far too long at the airport, he just tightens his grip around his best friend, his nose nuzzling into the crook of Lewis’ neck, and he’s glad Lewis seems to mirror his feelings.

“Promise me, you won’t give up?”

He knows Lewis is talking about Ferrari and F1, but it somehow feels as if it’s directed at them as well and Seb just nods against Lewis’ neck.

It’s hard, watching him leave, and even the fact that he turns around at least three times to wave one last time at Sebastian doesn’t make it easier to breathe for the blonde. He wishes he could’ve told him that he loved him and that he can’t wait to see Lewis again, can’t wait to hug him again.

Chapter Text

2020

"Hanna?"

Sebastian steps over the threshold of Hanna's room, his movements hesitant, not entirely sure if he's welcome in her space right now. It's been a few days since Lewis left and family life has slowly returned to normal, even though nearly everyone in the family misses Lewis and his presence in the house.

The blonde woman is sitting at her desk, a magazine in front of her, her fingers midway turning the page when she throws a look over her shoulder, giving Sebastian a questioning look.

It's been weird between the two of them and even the kids seem to have picked up on it by now. They're quiet around their parents, trying not to be too much of a nuisance, too much of an additional weight on the silent conversation Hanna and Seb seem to be having without ever saying anything out loud.

Kimi's words have been stuck in Sebastian’s mind for the last few days and he's been repeating them over and over and over again.

You deserve to be happy.

They don't just apply to him, however. Hanna deserves to be happy too, deserves to have a life that fulfils her, a husband that treats her as the amazing woman that she is. Sebastian has finally found some peace in this, has finally accepted that it might be better for everyone involved if they split up and go their own ways. It hasn't been an easy decision and he's been lying awake these past few nights, thinking about how to do this, how to talk to Hanna about it.

But it seems as if the best way to just get it done is to finally talk, to finally put those words out into the open.

"I think we need to talk."

Hanna sighs, a defeated look in her eyes as if she knows exactly what's coming.

Closing the magazine, she turns around with her chair, facing Sebastian who's sat down on the couch opposite her. Hanna pulls her legs up on the chair, wrapping her arms around them and places her chin on her knees.

Seb is glad that Matilda and Emilie are playing outside in the garden and Julian is sleeping in the room next door. It gives them some privacy and he’s thankful for that, given the fact that he’s unsure how the conversation will turn out. He’s not even sure if he’ll be welcome in this house afterwards - he’d totally understand if Hanna would throw him out.

"What do you want to talk about?"

Hanna's voice is quiet, anticipatory, a hint of defeat mixed into it.

She knows what this is about.

"I wanted to apologise. For the last few years, for not being what you deserve."

She doesn’t answer, doesn’t really react to what he’s said but he’s known her for such a long time that he sees the way her eyebrow twitches just a bit, sees the way the muscles in her jaw tighten.

Sebastian takes a deep breath, his gaze turned down, focused on the way his fingers are fumbling with the seam of his shirt.

“There’s more though and I wish I wouldn’t have to tell you this, but I’ve been lying for way too long and you deserve to know the truth.”

It’s so quiet in Hanna’s office that he could hear a pin drop. When Sebastian looks up again Hanna is studying him, her blue eyes distant, carefully guarding herself.

“Is this finally the moment where you admit that you’re in love with him?”

Sharp, cold, matter of fact.

There’s close to no emotion in her voice and it hurts Sebastian more than tears or screams would have. Sadness, anger and fury would have meant that she hasn’t closed herself off from him completely but the fact that she can say this without a quiver to her voice just tells him how often she’s had this conversation in her head before. How often she’s had to have this conversation with herself because he wasn’t able to stop himself from being a liar, from being selfish, from being an asshole.

“Have you ever truly loved me? Or was it him all along?”

Quiet, dull - a whisper.

Now he wishes her voice would’ve stayed emotionless, the sadness nearly too much to bear.

Seb wants to reassure her, wants her to know just how much he’s loved her, how much she’s meant to him, still means to him, and that for a long time he’s been certain Hanna was the love of his life.

But he knows that no matter what he’s going to tell her, she won’t believe him. And he can’t really blame her for it, it’s not as if he deserves any kind of trust from her after he so blatantly betrayed her, betrayed them, betrayed his family.

“I did - I do, still. Hanna, I love you so much,” he stresses, his body leaning forward, bending under the weight his words carry, “I love our kids, I love what we’ve built here, together.”

She still hasn’t averted her eyes and he can see that his words do have an impact on her, but she has enough self-control to not let it openly show on her face.

“You love him more, though. I never really had a chance against him.”

Sebastian closes his eyes, breathing in through his nose, trying to somehow lift the weight that’s pressing down on his lungs.

He wants to be honest with her, needs to be honest with her.

“It was never you against Lewis, Hanna. I don’t love him more, I just - love him differently.”

There they are. Those three words that will forever change them and even though it's only the second time Seb has used the word ‘love’ with ‘him’ it feels like the most honest thing he's said in a long time. He avoids looking at her, avoids meeting her eyes and the pain that is probably flashing up in them.

He really means the words he's said, he knows that he doesn't love Lewis more than Hanna, just knows that this love is different, works in another way than his connection to Hanna does. Sebastian doesn’t want to get into how Lewis makes him feel, though, how just a tiny touch paints a smile on his face and makes his heart break its rhythm. It would just be even more cruel to her.

“How often?”

“How often what?” Sebastian asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

“How often have you cheated on me with him?”

She’s still so calm and collected, sitting on her chair, her arms slung around her legs. Her face doesn’t betray any emotion and if he wouldn’t have known her for such a long time already - if she wasn’t the woman he’s married - he would think she was impassive, unaffected.

Sebastian has known that the question was prone to come, that she would want to know about that - he gets it, would probably ask as well if the roles were reversed.

Be honest, that’s what he’s set out to be.

But it’s so much harder to do in a real conversation than in one that he’s had in his head. He knows that by saying those next words there will be no turning back, that his next words will break this wonderful person in front of him in ways she doesn’t deserve and it’s going to break him, too.

Knowing that he’s the reason why they’re having this conversation in the first place, knowing that he probably won’t be welcome in this house anymore after this, won’t be able to see his children whenever he’s got some time off because with what’s going to follow, Hanna will ultimately take them with her.

He thought that this time, with Julian, he would actually be there to see him grow up, have his priorities set on being a father, trying to be home more than he has ever been before. But now?

Now he might even experience less than he’s had with Matilda and Emelie.

Oh god, Em and Matilda.

What if they think he’s abandoned them? What if they end up hating him for leaving?

He thought he needed racing to survive, needed the sound, the smell, the adrenaline to keep his heart beating, to keep the blood flowing in his veins. But he’s not that man anymore, doesn’t know if he ever truly was. Without his children the world is just dull and grey, and he’d never forgive himself if he lost them, too, in the aftermath of this.

“Four times,” he says, barely a whisper that passes his lips.

He’s nearly too much of a coward to look into Hanna’s eyes when he says those words but the least he can do is to look at her when he tells her.

Seb’s heart breaks the moment he sees the realization hitting his wife.

Hanna presses her eyes shut and buries her face between her legs, her arms hugging her legs tighter to her small frame. She’s not crying, at least not openly, but her breathing gets irregular, and Sebastian can see her shoulders tensing, sees how she buries her fingernails into the skin of her arms.

Helplessly he sits on the couch, not knowing what to do, what to say, how to act. He wishes he could go over, take her into his arms and tell her that everything will be okay, that they will be okay. But it would be just another one of those sweet lies he’s whispered into her ears over the last few years. Sweet and sticky like honey.

“Hanna...”

“Don’t,” she breathes against her legs, not looking up at Sebastian yet. It takes her a couple of tries to get the next word out and if Seb’s heart hasn’t been breaking all along, this would’ve been the final push. “When?”

Honesty.

Sebastian rests his elbows on his knees and lays his head down, puts his face in his hands, feeling as if all the weight of his mistakes, wrong-doings and missteps is currently coming down at once, pressing him to the ground. His fingers dig into his scalp, trying to search for an outlet for the pain that’s pushing down on his chest, making it hard to breathe.

His eyes focus on the rug that’s right in front of his feet, the white sticking out clearly against the dark beige of the parquet. Loose fluff and dust are dancing in the rays of light that flickers through the halfway closed blinds in front of the window. It almost looks like snowflakes, dust floating through the air as if nothing was dragging it down towards the ground, weightless, and it is rising up and up and up into the light. It appears ethereal.

Clearing his throat, he lightly lifts his gaze, his eyes getting stuck on Hanna, her small frame looks even tinier right now, slumped down on the chair in front of him.

“The last time was three years ago, after-” Seb has to clear his throat again, a lump making it hard to get out the words, “after the incident in Baku.”

Hanna doesn’t show any kind of reaction to it, stays in that deflated position, only her breaths lifting her shoulders a bit before they’re falling down again, trying to follow the air that’s pressed out of her body, chasing after it.

“And last week? On your hike?”

Seb’s so tired that by now he can’t even lift his head from his hands anymore, and he sighs, exhaustion written all over his features.

“Nothing happened on the mountain, Hanna.”

A sarcastic laugh leaves her lips and it’s another stab straight into his heart, piercing through his soul. She doesn’t even hide the disdain in her voice, when she mutters, “And I’m supposed to believe that after you’ve been lying to me for the last eight years?”

“Hanna, I swear nothing happened. We just talked a lot about racing and Ferrari not renewing my contract.”

The second he says those words out loud he realizes that out of everything he could’ve said, this was probably the worst. He gets proven right when Hanna’s head shoots up, a disbelieving look on her face.

“What?!”

He hasn’t told her about Ferrari yet.

“When exactly were you going to tell me about that?” Hanna’s chest is heaving up and down, her fingernails digging into the soft white skin of her legs, leaving angry red crescents on her thighs.

Sebastian is worrying his lip, trying to come up with an explanation for something he’s got no explanation for, no words that could describe what he was thinking. He can’t just tell her that it didn’t feel like the right thing to do because as this would be a truthful answer, it’s one that would only hurt her more.

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” he breathes out, feeling the warm air hit against his knees, the tiny blonde hairs momentarily flattened down until they right themselves up again, becoming motionless once more, as if nothing has happened.

The heat is heavy and unrelenting, not even the small fan in one of the corners of Hanna’s room is able to fight against it and provide some sought for relief.

It takes her some time to answer, 1 minute and 48 seconds to be exact, at least that’s what the alarm clock on her desk tells him, and when she finally raises her voice, it’s thin and tired, streaks of exhaustion and resignation laced through.

"What do you want from me now? What am I supposed to say? That it's alright and we'll manage?"

As his eyes meet hers, dark blue against icy blue, he can see defeat in the depths of them, defeat that spreads through her whole body, her shoulders dropping forward as if to create a physical wall around herself.

Sebastian still has his face in his hands, he rubs over it, pressing his fingers over his closed eyelids. It lessens the throbbing pain in his left temple for a few moments. He breathes in.

Hanna doesn’t wait for him to start talking however, her eyes blinking furiously, and it takes Seb a couple of seconds to realize that she’s trying her hardest not to cry. Her lips are quivering when she speaks up again.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Basti. This is not what I want or deserve. I need…” She fumbles, her hands outlining circles into the air, trying to draw the words she cannot find. “I want to be loved, Basti. I want to be loved, I want to be desired, I want to be the only one. I deserve to be the person you want to tell news like that first, I deserve to be the one you think of when you’re travelling the world, I… Me and the kids, we should always come first, no matter what. That’s what you agreed to when you said you wanted to have kids, when you said you wanted to become a father.”

Sebastian gulps, his throat turning dry as if he was standing in the desert, heat flickering around him, the wind carrying tiny grains of sand up into the air, right into his mouth. He wets his lips, his tongue feeling like rough sandpaper when it touches his palate, touches his lips.

“I wanted all those things, Hanna,” he croaks, his mouth still parched.

“And now?”

Now? What does he want now?

He knows that he wants Lewis; every single cell of his body craving for him, longing for the way his eyes crinkle when he makes him laugh with one of his stupid jokes, aching for the soft touch of his fingertips which are calloused and raw from playing the guitar for hours on end, yearns for the feeling of coming home, of being simply him, Sebastian, when Lewis holds him close, hugs him to his chest, where he can hear Lewis’ heartbeat.

His voice is quiet, wavering just a bit, when he speaks again. “I know that we can’t go on like this anymore. And you deserve someone who can give you all of those things, Hanna. I’m gonna make sure that you will want for nothing, you can stay in this house with the kids, and I’ll find my own place, just…” he fights against the tears that are threatening to form, he needs a few seconds until he can finish the sentence, “just please don’t take the kids from me. I know I don’t deserve any of your good will, but I just-”

He leaves the sentence open, not knowing exactly what he wants to say.

“I’m not gonna take away their father, Sebastian, who do you take me for? I’m not the villain here.”

“I know that that’s not what I meant, Hanna,” Sebastian hurries to say, “I’d understand if you would though, that’s what I was trying to say. After everything I’ve done and put you through, I’d understand if you wanted to be as far away from me as possible, including the kids.”

“I do,” her voice is tiny when she admits to it, rolls the words in her mouth as if to taste how they feel, as if she’s scared of the truth that they hold, “I do wish I could leave right now and hide somewhere where I wouldn’t have to be reminded of you every second of the day. This family was my dream, Basti. You were my dream, I loved you so much and I thought-”

She can’t keep the tears in anymore this time, a sob slipping through her lips before she can stop it from echoing through the room. Pressing the back of her hand against her mouth, she’s averting her gaze, but Sebastian can still see the tears rolling down her cheeks, dropping down on her baby blue shirt.

This time, he doesn’t stay away.

Quickly getting up from the couch, Seb crosses the room and kneels down in front of Hanna, cradling her face in his hands. His vision is blurred, too, salty tears finding their way down his cheeks, and he leans forward until his forehead touches hers, their noses merely millimetres apart. She doesn’t pull away.

“I’m so so so sorry, Hanna,” he croaks, tears hanging on his eyelashes, “I wish I could have spared you all of this.”

Hanna has stopped trying to hold back from crying and every single one of her sobs shakes her body, shakes through Seb’s body as well, shakes his inner core. He’s not sure if he’s going to be able to right that again. It’s not like a broken bone that can be mended after weeks of tending to it; this is it; this right here is the end of something he’s always thought would last forever.

“Why couldn’t I have just been enough, why isn’t my love enough,” Hanna sobs, her fingers grabbing onto his shirt, digging into his sides but he doesn’t say anything about it, just hugs her closer, breathes through the pain.

“I don’t know, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

They hold on to each other, her face buried in the crook of his neck, crying for their family, for their marriage, for each other.

Chapter Text

2020

The sky already looks like cotton candy when Lewis arrives back home from his evening run on Monaco beach, the sun painting the bellies of the white clouds in a deep purple. Sweat is running down his forehead and he wipes it away with the back of his hand, fumbling for his keys in the bum bag with his other hand, when he suddenly hears someone calling out his name.

The voice sounds oddly familiar, it pokes at something in the back of his brain as if trying to open up a drawer he’s closed some time ago and when he turns around realization dawns on him.

Nico seems out of place in the darkening streets of Monaco, but not because of how he looks - the white shirt and his blue linen shorts paired with the sandals fit perfectly into the city - rather because Lewis hasn’t seen Nico here in a long time. He knows that his ex-boyfriend still owns the apartment where they used to spend their hours together, just talking and cuddling, among other things he doesn’t want to recall right now. He just kind of forgot that this means they could actually run into each other at some point.

Lewis stays where he is, awkwardly shifting his weight from one leg to the other, his hand scraping over the back of his neck. He’s not sure what to make of this, what to think of Nico quickly striding towards him. The blonde crosses the street without really looking out for any traffic, a thing Nico has always done - it drives him a bit less crazy now than it used to before.

Coming to a halt a few steps in front of him, Nico seems to finally realize the awkwardness and uncertainty that’s radiating from Lewis.

“Uhm, hey,” Nico says, biting down on his lip, his hand doing a little wave.

The physical distance between them makes this whole scene even more surreal than it already is and Lewis has to stifle a laugh. Instead, he waves back, his head tilting lightly to the side, trying his best not to let the confusion play openly on his face. He’s grown from loving Nico being able to read him like an open book to resent it during their relationship.

“Sorry, is this too weird? I can totally just go, and we’ll pretend this hasn’t happened,” Nico mumbles, his whole body already turning around a bit, hesitation shining in his eyes.

It’s weird, yes. And just a year ago Lewis probably wouldn’t have stayed to wait for Nico to catch up with him in the first place, but something within him has turned softer over the last few months and so he shakes his head, pointing at the door they’re currently standing in front of.

“Do you want to come in? I just gotta take a shower, but you can make some coffee if you want to, nothing has changed in there.”

His voice gets stuck in his throat around the last words, reminding him how long it has actually been since he’s talked to Nico like this. How long since it’s been that he didn’t want to turn his back on the blonde and never see him again.

“Yeah, that would be nice,” Nico answers, relief strong in his voice.

Lewis fumbles for his keys again and when he finally gets them out of the bum bag, they nearly slip through his fingers, but he catches them before it can happen. He throws Nico a halfway forced, halfway still confused smile, and indicates to him to go through the door that is being held open by the porter who greets them both.

They step through the foyer, quietly crossing it and by the time they get to the elevator Lewis is already regretting inviting Nico into his flat. He doesn’t even know what he’s thought he could get out of this. Closure? He’s long since stopped expecting that, tried to make his peace with Nico and their relationship, put all of the anger, hurt and sadness in a box and neatly tied a string around it, closing it off from his reality, from his life.

He doesn’t like to dwell on things, especially if they’ve left him with scars he’s had to tend to by himself, scars that might’ve healed on the outside but that still leave him with phantom pain from time to time, tugging at his mind and heart whenever he feels himself getting too close to someone, when he’s starting to open up more than he wants to.

He knew that he’s been pulling away from Sebastian a little more each day after he’s realized his feelings for him, and he has tried to close himself off without letting Seb notice, but of course he had. And every step Lewis has taken away from him, Seb has followed, never leaving his side, never letting him stray too far away, never asking why he’s a bit quieter or why he’s looking at him in a weird way.

In the end, that’s been making it harder to leave Sebastian a week ago.

But even though he’s back in Monaco, the blonde doesn’t leave his thoughts. The smallest things remind him of Sebastian or bring back a memory that’s been somewhere in the back of his mind, pulling his lips into a smile at the most random moments.

Yesterday he’s stood in the grocery store, trying to recall what he wanted to make for dinner that night when his gaze crossed the vegan yoghurt section and he’s thought of when him and Sebastian went grocery shopping in Switzerland and Seb insisted on carrying all of their items in his arms the one time they forgot to bring a bag, and the yoghurt slipped through his fingers, making a huge mess on the ground. Seb had nearly tripped on the wet floor, barely hanging onto Lewis’ arm, which led to him dropping even more of their food. For a long second Lewis hadn’t known whether to laugh or to help Sebastian clean up the mess - in the end he’s done both, not being able to stop his laughter every time his eyes met Sebastian’s who was blushing so hard he nearly put the tomatoes, that were dripping yoghurt when he picked them up from the floor to shame.

“Lewis?”

Blinking furiously, Nico comes back into focus in front of Lewis again who for a second has forgotten that the other man is in the elevator with him. Nico is standing in the door to keep it from closing, shooting Lewis a questioning look.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Lewis mumbles and walks past Nico to his apartment door.

He lets them both in, vaguely pointing his hand towards the kitchen even though he knows that Nico remembers where everything is; nothing has really changed over the past five years. There’s a tiny flame of malicious joy burning in his heart when Roscoe comes around the corner, stopping dead in his tracks when he sees Nico. The bulldog lifts his head and sniffs, before he throws Nico a weary gaze and turns around on his feet, running back to the living room again.

“I’m just gonna take a shower real quick,” he calls after Nico who has already vanished in the kitchen, leaving Lewis with a queasy feeling in his stomach. Turning his back on Nico doesn’t feel right, especially not in his apartment where most of the memories he’s made with the blonde have been asleep for a while now. But the three minutes his ex-boyfriend has spent here already awakened some of the memories, they’re yawning and stretching, gripping after Lewis as if trying to lull him back in.

Forcefully shaking his head as if to get the thoughts out of his mind, Lewis turns around and quickly walks to the bathroom. He locks the door behind himself, something he usually never does, and strips out of his clothes.

It takes him just a few minutes to shower and when he walks back to the kitchen, barefooted but in sweatpants and a shirt, there’s already brewed coffee standing on the kitchen aisle. Nico, however, is nowhere to be seen.

Lewis takes a small cup of coffee, not filling it up to the brim, however, because otherwise he won’t be able to fall asleep in a few hours. Walking through the kitchen over to the living room, he sees Nico standing in front of the large glass doors that open up towards the sea. The sun has nearly vanished behind the horizon and bathes the night sky in an array of different shades of red and purple, colours Nico in the lights of the sunset.

He doesn’t look as good as Sebastian does in red, though.

“What do you want, Nico?”

It comes out sharper than he’s intended to, but he doesn’t apologize for it.

The blonde turns around slowly, his eyes shimmering in the golden hour, but it doesn’t tug at Lewis’ heart like it used to, doesn’t send cold and hot showers respectively down his spine - just makes him think about the last time he looked into those eyes when they were still filled with warmth and love instead of the coldness and envy that have found their way into the blue during the last few months of their relationship.

Now Nico’s eyes are a bit more distant, closed off. It makes it easier.

The blonde sighs, one hand tucked into the pockets of his shorts, the other one gripping around the steaming mug. For a brief moment Lewis tries to figure out how Nico is not burning the palm of his hand right now, but then he decides he doesn’t care enough to ask.

It takes his ex-boyfriend a few more seconds until he speaks, the question clearly audible, even though he phrases it more like a statement.

“I just saw you standing there, and I thought we haven’t talked in a long time, and maybe we should… talk, I mean.”

Nico lets his gaze roam around the room and Lewis follows it, trying to see it through Nico’s eyes; there’s not much he’s changed in his flat after their break-up, he’s mainly thrown out Nico’s things and his own stuff that reminded him of the blonde.

He still regrets that he gave away the entire special edition collection of The Lord of The Rings, however. It was a petty move, because Nico had bought it for himself as an early Christmas gift as the blonde loved those movies more than anything, and that edition cost him close to a small fortune. So of course, Lewis gave them to one of his mates when he’d come back home after the break-up and his eyes had fallen on the DVDs. Nico had never asked to get them back, though.

The blonde’s eyes have halted in their exploration, narrowing the slightest bit even though Lewis can see that he tries his best to conceal that. Looking over his shoulder, Lewis follows Nico’s line of sight, and his eyes fall on a picture of him and Sebastian that’s standing on the antique chest right below the picture wall that his mum has hung up with him the second he bought the apartment. She thought the room looked too sterile, too impersonal - not like Lewis at all. He loves the pictures she chose, often finds himself drawn to them, just standing in front of the wall, taking it all in. It gives him faith and belief, strengthens him in times where he barely sees his family and friends.

When Seb has visited him two years ago he’s stood in front of the pictures the same way Lewis always does; his eyes attentively taking in every little detail, chuckling at a tiny Lewis in a kart, smiling at the pictures of adult Lewis and Nicolas tackling each other in their dad’s garden, rolling around in the grass, as if they were children. When he turned around, he tilted his head slightly to the left, giving Lewis a look he couldn’t quite decipher.

“What,” Lewis asked, a chuckle in his voice, and Seb just turned back towards the pictures again before he spoke. “There’s just one of us up here.”

Raising his eyebrow Lewis had laughed, confusion seeping into it. He could’ve sworn Seb’s shoulders had tightened after he’d said that the muscles in his back moving the T-shirt just the tiniest bit, as if regretting the words the second they left his mouth.

“Guess you just have to give another one to me then,” Lewis had answered, his tone light, but sincerity resonated with it. Seb had gifted him one that Christmas.
Malaysia, 2015, Seb’s first win with Ferrari. They were sitting on the podium step together, Sebastian’s eyes lit up with pure and raw emotion, not being able to hold anything back, his face filled with immense relief as well as overflowing pride.

And Lewis- well, looking at that picture now, he is not really sure how it’s taken him that long to figure out that what he felt for Sebastian was more than platonic love, that it was something running deep, something that’s settled within his bones and right beneath his heart.

He can feel the heat burning up his cheeks and he rubs his hand over his neck, embarrassment hiding in the way he’s nervously biting his lower lip. Nico hasn’t said anything yet but when Lewis turns around, the defensive stance and his raised eyebrow speaks volumes.

“So, you and Sebastian?”

“What me and Seb,” Lewis retorts, trying to sound oblivious rather than nervous. He doesn’t really want to talk to Nico about this, doesn’t want to hear his take on it, doesn’t want to deal with Nico’s petty jealousy.

The blonde is about to roll his eyes, and Lewis knows because he used to be able to read Nico like the back of his hand, but then a tiny jolt seems to be running through Nico’s body and he sighs, putting his face in his hands for a second. He brings his palms up in an apologetic way, then, his eyes cast downwards.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to come here and start questioning you. It’s none of my business, I know.”

Lewis blinks, unsure of what to reply to that. Usually, Nico was never the one shying away from confrontation and for a moment he thinks that maybe it wasn’t just him who’d changed over the last few years. But he doesn’t want to raise his hopes too high - he’s been brought down to earth faster than he could blink often enough in the past, especially when it comes to Nico.

Not giving an answer, Lewis fumbles with the spoon in his mug, listening to the clanking sound of metal on porcelain. The silence that stretches out carries an awkwardness with it, presses down on Lewis and clouds his mind. He tries to come up with something to say but he blanks. He doesn’t know this Nico.

It fills him with a weird feeling of nostalgia.

The mind can be a funny thing sometimes, and currently it’s erasing parts of the memories that have painted Nico in dark, unwelcoming colours in Lewis’ mind.

It takes him back to the memories of them laughing hard until their stomachs ached, having food competitions until their bellies hurt in a different way, makes him think back to the tentative smile that crept up on his lips when Nico’s softly cradled his face in his hands and leaned forward, kissing him for the first time, inexperienced but full of the certainty that Lewis was the one.

Why did Nico’s name eventually turn bitter in his mouth, why did he start feeling caged in and cautious rather than happy and overjoyed whenever his ex-boyfriend’s picture lit up on his phone, when did he start bawling his eyes out in front of Sebastian about things that seem so tiny and irrelevant now that he’s looking back at them?

He knows that it’s simply the loneliness creeping out of his bones, re-painting his memories with Nico in the colours of a sunset rather than letting them stay in the dark and grey colours of an approaching storm, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is indeed lonely.

Lewis longs for someone to hold him close, not necessarily in a sexual way, just simply having someone else’s skin on his, someone else’s arms around him - longs for someone to hold him in a strong embrace, keeping him from falling apart.

Yearns for those piercing blue eyes on his, blonde strands of hair in between his fingers, red shiny lips puckering into a pout because Lewis takes too long to kiss them, yearns for those breathless sounds whenever Seb tries to suppress a moan but can’t because he’s blissed out beneath Lewis and - fuck, yes, he longs for Sebastian so much that he thinks he will burst into a million little entities any second now.

“Lewis? Are you alright?”

“Yes”, he nearly says with an ease that comes natural to someone like him, someone who’s had to play different roles his entire life, for someone who’s had to pretend to be a person he’s not for a thousand different journalists over the last few years.

But he can’t.

The word doesn’t come over his lips and his tongue twists in his mouth when he tries to cover up how the longing in his chest makes him feel void, how it leaves him feeling like an empty shell.

He gulps, struggling to speak past the lump in his throat, his eyes turning wide, and suddenly he’s an open book for Nico once again, the blonde’s face twisting with compassion the moment he recognizes the heartbreak hiding in Lewis’ features.

Lewis melts into Nico’s arms when they wrap around his waist, buries his face against the blonde’s shoulders and allows himself a few seconds of going back in time, where this was his favourite place to be. Nico even smells like he did five years ago. Without being able to hold back, a small dry sob slips over Lewis lips and he can hear Nico sigh, can feel the arms around his frame tightening their hold.

“What did he do?”

It nearly draws a chuckle out of Lewis - he’s pretty sure Seb’s asked him that exact same thing in the exact same tone whenever Lewis has come to him after he’s had a fight with Nico.

It borders somewhat on double standards when Nico says those words - but Lewis chooses not to comment on it, if he would he’s sure that the embrace he’s currently being held in would vanish and even if he will regret this later, he knows that he needs it right now.

“It’s not like that,” Lewis mumbles against the soft white fabric of Nico’s shirt.

“What is it like then?” Nico’s voice doesn’t hold any sign of accusation, pettiness or jealousy - it’s calm and soft, as if he’s genuinely interested.

A “why are you so nice to me?” almost slips over Lewis’ lips, his confusion over Nico nearly distracting him from the other blonde German who’s made himself comfortable within his mind. Typically German, spreading his towel right in the middle of Lewis’ mind to occupy the best place, not even thinking about leaving any time soon. Lewis has to hold back a chuckle that’s building up in the back of his throat.

“He doesn’t even know,” Lewis finally caves.

“That you’re in love with him?” Nico says this with a level of certainty that makes it sound as if he’d just told Lewis that the sun sets every day, as if it were something absolute, something that is obvious to everyone around him. Which it apparently is, according to Nicolas and Nico.

“Mh.”

Nico takes a small step back, forcing Lewis to lift his head from the other’s shoulder, placing his hands on Lewis’ shoulders in return.

“Are you sure that he doesn’t know? The two of you have never been subtle.”

Even though he knows that Nico doesn’t mean it as a stab, Lewis feels attacked in a way that he can’t quite explain. Why is it that the people he talks to deem themselves more suitable and omniscient than he is when it comes to his relationship with Seb? Shouldn’t he be the only one to know if Sebastian is aware of Lewis’ feelings for him and vice versa - if there even are any on Seb’ side?

Nico seems to catch up on the Brit’s thoughts and he quickly rows back.

“Sorry, did I overstep again? What I mean was that I’m pretty sure Sebastian’s feelings aren’t as platonic as you think they are. And where a few years ago that definitely drove me crazy, right now I’m telling you this because I can see that it’s hurting you.”

Lewis sighs, and he turns around, stepping towards the windows. The sun has nearly set by now and the streetlights are flooding the city with a warm, orange-y light. This was Seb’s favourite time of the day in Monaco.

Every night he went out on the terrace, a glass of water in his hands, his elbows placed on the balustrade, and he’d just stare at how the city unfolded beneath him. Seb could stay there for hours, watching the sky change colours, observing the people in the city, and listening to what was shouted through the streets.

During dinner he’d tell Lewis all about the scenes he’d witnessed from above, ever the storyteller, his hands gesticulating wildly in the air, a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes.

Jesus Christ is he smitten.

“How do you know though? I only figured it out three weeks ago.” His voice is small and soft, his eyes trailing over the skyline of the houses in front of him, their roofs almost disappearing within the black of the sea in the background.

“That you’re in love with Seb? Easy,” Nico laughs quietly, “I know what to look for. I know how you look and how you act when you’re in love.”

“Huh,” Lewis makes a nonsensical sound, surprised by the honesty and simplicity of the answer.

Of course, he’s right, though. It seems to be a German character trait, wounding itself through Lewis’ relationship with them like Ariadne’s red thread through the labyrinth.

“And how do you know that Seb feels the same?”

“Because I know how I was when I was in love with you. And Sebastian is even more obvious.”

Suddenly, his phone starts vibrating in his pocket and Lewis gives Nico an apologetic look when he pulls it out. Speaking of the devil.

“Uhm, is it okay if I take it? It’s Seb…”

Nico gives him a knowing smile.

“Take it. I can find my way out on my own. If you ever need someone though, my phone number is still the same.” The blonde smirks, before adding “if you haven’t deleted it yet. Answer the call, before it stops ringing. Bye, Lewis.”

Lewis presses the green icon when Nico turns around, a small smile on his face.

They’re nowhere near to what they once were, but for the first time in the last years he’s not as opposed to starting to talk to Nico again as he was before.

“Seb? Hey.”

“Hanna and I are getting a divorce.”

His confusion doesn't stop his treacherous heart from taking a leap.

Chapter Text

2020

It’s one of those days where not even the sun peeking through the clouds in the late afternoon can lift Sebastian’s mood. He tries to congratulate Charles on his points with an honest smile, knowing he’s failed as soon as the hurt flashes across the green eyes. But he’s got to give it to Charles, at least the kid tries to mask it, half a smile on his face, and he pats Seb lightly on his back. The younger man knows that it’s nothing personal, nothing against him per se, so he makes way for Sebastian to go straight to his room as quickly as he can.

The only thing saving Seb from being in an even fouler mood is the prospect of driving home to see his parents tonight, where he will be staying for the next two days until he has to show his face in Maranello again.

And even better, he doesn’t have to drive on his own because his mother has been bugging Lewis for the last three years to stop by and he’s never had the time to do so, but with them racing in Germany this year and two weeks’ time until the race in Portimão on top of that, there is no way for him to get out of it this time.

Well, theoretically, there is a way out, seeing as both of them are supposed to stay in their own bubbles, but Sebastian couldn’t really give a lot about Ferrari’s opinion right now and on top of that he just really needs to unwind after the last few months. And a two-hour drive with Lewis promises exactly that.

Angela and Britta have both agreed to help them, even though Angie was harder to persuade and, once Lewis is done with celebrating his win, the two women will make sure no-one sees Lewis and Sebastian getting into the same car to leave the track.

A small smile unconsciously paints itself across Seb’s face when he thinks about Lewis getting his 91st Grand Prix win, equalling Michael, hopefully this time finally getting recognized by everyone as one of the greatest - maybe even the greatest (though Sebastian will never admit that out loud to his best friend, Michael will always be The One for him) of all time.

It’s something he never thought would ever happen, but Lewis tends to achieve the unthinkable, constantly proving everyone who criticizes him wrong, setting new records while at the same time balancing at least ten other things. Seb is challenge-driven and always hungry for more as well, always striving for the best, reaching for the next highest step on the ladder, but Lewis does all of that on a different level.

Two hours later, someone finally knocks against the door in his motorhome, sheepishly sticking his head through the gap. At least Lewis has already changed his clothes.

“I’m sorry, it took a bit longer than expected,” Lewis says, offering Seb an apologetical smile when he steps into his room. Angela is standing behind him, leaning against the wall and is reading something on her phone, Roscoe’s leash threaded through her fingers.

“It’s alright,” Seb says, meaning it, and he hops off the physio table, “you’re not equalling Michael’s records every day after all, Lew.”

The smile on Lewis’ face grows from sheepish to bashful and he averts his gaze, his eyelashes grazing the soft skin beneath. Seb loves that Lewis still gets embarrassed with compliments, that sometimes he still manages to forget his achievements and greatness. It’s one of the most amazing qualities Lewis has - he’s stayed grounded, even with all the madness happening around him.

“I guess,” Lewis mumbles, rubbing his hand over his neck in a way that tells Sebastian more than words could say.

The sky has already turned from lilac to a deep dark blue once they make their way out of the Ferrari motorhome. Luckily, most of the team have already gone back to the hotel and the few staff members that are still there are used to Lewis being around Sebastian in the Ferrari motorhome as long as there are no cameras around, their gazes not lingering too long on the two world champions.

They get out through one of the lesser used exits, the rental car already parked on the grass next to the site fence. Lewis has suggested taking a cab, which Sebastian hasn’t even dignified with more than a disbelieving look and a shake of his head. After all, they’re basically just driving down the A3 - and that at night there won’t be any traffic slowing them down.

Sunday nights tend to be the nights when he gets the least sleep, too agitated and full of adrenaline from the race. So, he doesn’t really mind spending the next two hours on the road, Lewis next to him, the dark night sky surrounding them only broken up by the streetlights on the motorway.

Angela hands Sebastian the car keys and Lewis the dog leash before she quickly hugs both of them goodbye, telling them to please stay off the radar because even though she’s been hired by Lewis, she’s pretty sure Toto could fire her too, if the media got wind of Sebastian and Lewis both flouting their assigned bubbles - together.

Once they get in the car it’s as if they’ve stepped into a completely different world, their own little bubble so to speak, where it doesn’t matter that Lewis is a six-time and Seb a four-time world champion. Inside the car and away from the track they’re just Lewis and Sebastian, two friends who understand each other without words.

“I’ll be the DJ,” Lewis says, redundantly. He’s always the one in charge of music no matter the place or time.

“But please don’t play music Charles listens to, or his girlfriend for that matter. Just no Señorita or whatever it’s called.”

Lewis chuckles and puts his favourite Oldies playlist on - the one where he’s certain Sebastian knows more than only two songs. Even though Seb is always quite persistent in making sure everyone knows he’s not the most talented when it comes to music, Lewis knows for a fact that the younger man is able to unwind with it.

He’s seen it more times than he can count; Sebastian next to him, hands loosely wrapped around the steering wheel and his body relaxing into the driver’s seat whilst he’s singing along to the songs on Lewis’ playlist, no creases on his forehead, no Ferrari on his mind. Just the smile that seems to be glued to his lips and the twinkle in his eyes when he turns to face Lewis, trying to get him to sing along as well.

They spend the ride mostly quiet, both processing the day and the race, both content just basking in each other's company and the music that’s filling the rental car. Seb will take the car to Frankfurt airport on Wednesday, whereas Lewis will take a cab a day earlier that’ll take him to Stuttgart airport. They’ve decided it makes more sense for Lewis to use the smaller airport of the two, in hopes of him remaining unnoticed until he lands in London.

The streets are quiet, and they don’t encounter a single person when Sebastian steers the car through the small streets of Heppenheim until they reach his parents’ house. He parks the rental on the street, not wanting to drive up the gravel road as he knows from experience that it definitely wakes up his parents and the neighbours.

“I’ll take Roscoe for a quick walk, can you let me inside in like five minutes?” Lewis asks, hiding a yawn behind his hand. He’s squinting at Seb with small eyes, sleep prominent in them after being woken up from his twenty-minute nap just now.

“Yeah, I’ll have a look if Bruno is in the living room. Then we can get Roscoe into the guest room without the two of them waking up the whole city.”

Lewis chuckles in agreement, broken up by yet another yawn, and beckons Roscoe to follow him, the dog not really wanting to move his legs more than he has to.

Sebastian unlocks the door while pulling the handle towards himself, making sure the lock is moving as quietly as possible (he’s learned early on that it was the best way to not get caught when he was sneaking out at night). The hallway is dark, but Seb is immediately embraced by the smell of having come home, warmth seeping into his bones and spreading through his whole body.

He hasn’t realized he’s missed being home so much.

Shortly after Hanna and the kids moved out of the house in Switzerland and back to Germany in May, Seb has wanted to visit his parents, wanting to escape the immersing loneliness of the big empty house in Switzerland. But the specific entry conditions Germany put up because of Covid got in his way and he had to stay put where he was.

In retrospect, he is sure that it was important for him to be forced to be alone; alone with his thoughts, with his wants, with the emptiness that’s been constantly hiding in his bones, his veins, his heart.

He wouldn’t say that he’s processed everything that had happened. The guilt of having left his wife and kids still eats him up at night, when the darkness lays its shadows over him, seeping into his mind, showing him just what he’s lost and will forever miss.

It doesn’t even help that he’s talking to them every night and that Emilie keeps on sending him pictures on WhatsApp from Hanna’s phone - he just wishes he could be there to experience Emilie’s new hobby of taking photographs of anything that comes her way, to watch Julian grow up, and help Matilda with her homework.

Hell, he still can’t grasp the fact that he missed Matilda’s first day of school a month ago.

Seb puts his luggage down in the hallway, he’ll take it up with him to his room later on and opens the door to the guest room where Lewis will stay. It’s his mum’s old office but since she’s retired his parents have turned it into a guest room, mainly because whenever Matilda and Em have stayed over, the two girls didn’t want to sleep in Seb’s old room together.

Thankfully, his mother has already made the bed, there’s even a dog bed in one corner of the room. Roscoe probably won’t use it as he likes to sleep in the bed with Lewis whenever they’re in a place he doesn’t know or hasn’t been at for a while, but he’s sure Lewis appreciates the sentiment. He puts Lewis’ bag down at the foot of the bed and closes the blinds quietly, before he steps out again, walking towards the living room door.

The small hallway lamp lights up suddenly and Seb hasn’t even noticed that he was still moving around in darkness until then.

“Jesus Christ,” he hisses underneath his breath.

His parents got the automatic night light a few years back and he keeps on forgetting about it, being scared by it suddenly turning on nearly every time anew. He closes his eyes for a second, willing his heart rate to slow down to normal, before he opens the living room door a crack.

A loud snore fills the silence of the night that has stretched out over the house and Seb closes the door quietly again, trying not to wake Bruno even if he wouldn’t mind a cuddle right now. But he knows his dog and waking him up would mean not being able to close his eyes for the whole night because the Labrador would be too excited about Seb being home again.

When he goes back through the hallway, Roscoe is already squeezing through the small gap in the door that Seb purposefully has left open. Lewis enters right after him, smiling tiredly when he sees the blonde man.

“Bed is already made, and I’ve put your stuff in the room,” Sebastian whispers, nodding his head into the direction of the guest room.

“Great, thanks. Can’t wait to finally get into bed.”

Chuckling, Seb nods. He picks up his bag, and draws Lewis into a half hug, the older one leaning his chin on Seb’s shoulders, nearly falling asleep then and there.

“Come on, sleepy head. Only a few steps to your right,” Sebastian laughs low, a grin painted on his face when he hears Lewis grumbling.

They say their good nights and Lewis stumbles rather than walks into his room, leaving Sebastian to affectionately shake his head before he walks up the stairs to finally fall into his own bed.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee and the loud barking of two dogs draws Sebastian out of his slumber the next morning. He blinks in the bright sunlight that floods his room in the colours of an early morning, tinges the white of the walls in a shade of pale orange. Typical for him to remember to close Lewis’ blinds but not his own.

Yawning, he reaches his arms up over his head, his back pushing off the mattress, and enjoys the stretch of his muscles, before burying his nose in the cushions once more. Breathing in, the corners of his lips draw up immediately.

His mother still uses the same washing powder (yellow poppy seeds - he never really understood why that became a detergent odour) and it brings him right back to feeling like a 6-year-old trying to hide beneath his covers to not have to go to school. However, when he turns around in the bed to reach for his phone on the bedside table, he’s quickly reminded that he’s most definitely not a kid anymore because the bed is simply too small for him to even turn to the other side without being at risk to fall out of it.

Well, that short near-death experience certainly managed to fully wake him up.

Rubbing the last bit of sleep out of his eyes, Sebastian pulls himself up, quickly assessing the state of his room. Last night, he just threw his clothes on the floor, his bag looking as if it had puked the rest of the clothes he’s packed because he tried to find his pyjamas without having to turn the light on yet again. Deciding that cleaning up was a matter to sort out later that day, he simply pulls out a pair of dark grey sweatpants and a white shirt from the pile and changes into it.

The race of the previous day still sticks to his bones and one day later it might not have been the best idea to jump into a car right afterwards to drive another two hours so, when Seb leaves his room, he feels more like a zombie than a human being. That doesn’t keep him from jumping down the stairs, though, and that little kid in him urging him to do so every time will probably never die.

When he enters the kitchen, Lewis is already sipping on a cup of hot coffee and chatting with Seb’s mum who is currently standing at the stove, turned towards Lewis, preparing what looks a lot like vegan scrambled egg. Seb is sure he’s only ever mentioned once that Lewis loves to have that as breakfast - loving Lewis Hamilton must’ve apparently been laid into his cradle.

“Morning,” Seb says, grinning when his mum almost throws her hands over her head with joy, quickly crossing the kitchen to draw him into her arms. Placing his chin on his mum’s shoulder, he looks at Lewis, who smiles brightly at him over the rim of his coffee cup.

“Oh Basti, I’m so glad you’re here!”

“Me too, Mama.”

When she lets go of him again, she quickly wipes her hands over her eyes and his heart swells.

“Oh, don’t do that, mum,” he laughs warmly, wrapping his hands around his mothers to squeeze them softly. She shakes her head, a chuckle flowing over her lips, and she looks at Sebastian with so much love in her eyes that he starts squirming under her gaze.

It’s good to know that some things never change.

“I’m just really glad,” she emphasises once again, switching into English now as well to not leave Lewis out of their conversation. Before Seb can sit down on the chair opposite of Lewis, eight paws patter over the parquet of the living room and a wet, warm nose pokes the back of his knee.

“Awwww, hi big guy.”

Kneeling down, Seb buries his hands in Bruno’s fur, laughing at the dog’s excitement. Bruno’s wagging his tail like crazy, jumping up and down so that he almost knocks Seb over, who tries to balance his weight on the balls of his feet.

“Buddy, stop, it’s alright, I’m here,” Seb laughs, his heart soaring when he hears Lewis laughing along in the back, his friend amused by the scene in front of him. When Bruno finally calms down, Roscoe squeezes into the tiny gap, butting his head against Sebastian’s hands to demand his morning cuddle as well.

“I’m glad I don’t have the two of you around every morning, I wouldn’t get anything done with the number of cuddles you two want.”

Finally, after five more minutes of alternating between scratching Roscoe behind his ears and rubbing over the soft fur of Bruno’s belly, it seems as if the two dogs have had enough for the moment and they’re racing each other through the living room and into the garden.

Seb stands up with a groan, his knees cracking in the process, which earns him a chuckle and a treacherous grin from Lewis.

“Getting old?” he asks with a teasing smile, while at the same time devouring his breakfast as if he hasn’t had anything to eat during the last week.

“Well, you should know about it, grandpa,” Seb retorts, grinning at the look of mock offense on Lewis’ face.

“Boys,” Heike rolls her eyes when she puts the rest of the vegan fried egg on her son’s plate, giving them both an exasperated glance, “one should think the two of you have finally grown up after 15 years.”

“Never,” Lewis laughs, giving Seb’s mum a blinding smile with the biggest puppy eyes he can manage, and she snorts, giving him a light pat on the back of his head.

There’s nothing more grounding and heart-warming than watching Lewis interact with his family. His parents have always loved his best friend, taken him in whenever Lewis’ dad couldn’t come along to a race or when they had multiple back-to-back races in Germany, treating him as if he was their fifth child, belonging right in the middle of their chaotic pack of kids.

Seb gives his mum a smile when she hands him a cup of herbal tea, touched that she remembers how he hates coffee more than anything in the world, even though he’s home so rarely.

“By the way, Fabi said he was gonna drop by this afternoon, because he didn’t get a chance to see you during the weekend with all the Covid restrictions at the track.”

“Yeah, I know, he texted me this morning to ask if Lewis and I actually managed to go through with our escape or if Toto caught us and dragged us both back to our teams.”

Lewis snorts, looking up from his phone to meet Sebastian’s eyes.

“Imagine the picture the paps would’ve gotten.”

“Glorious. And probably followed by a shitstorm.”

Later that day, when Fabi, Lewis, him and his dad are sitting on the porch, faces turned towards the warm October sun while talking about the events of the German GP, Sebastian’s mum stands in the doorway, giving him a probing look, and her head nods towards the living room.

His forehead wrinkles up in confusion, but Seb stands up nonetheless, excusing himself from the table. He quickly scratches Bruno behind his ears when the dog gives him an affronted look for having stood up as he’s had his head placed on Sebastian’s feet for the last half an hour, lost in a deep slumber, before he follows his mum inside.

“Everything alright, mum?”

“Yes, can you just quickly help me with the coffee?”

Seb knows his mum well enough to see right through the excuse, but he doesn’t question it further, following his mother into the kitchen. He leans back against the kitchen counter, his hands propped up on the edge, fingers playing a made-up rhythm against the wood. He’s counting down the seconds in his mind while his mother takes five cups out of the cupboard, her back towards him.

“So, how have you been holding up?”

His smile turns wry, and he lowers his gaze, trying not to let the loneliness that’s been etched into his features lately spill their secrets in front of his mum. She’s already worrying too much anyway.

“I’m okay, mum. There’s so much to do, I don't even have time to think about anything.”

His head shoots up when he hears his mother scoff. Heike’s eyebrows have wandered up her forehead and she’s put her hands on her hips, her eyes probing.

“Basti, I’m your mother. Please don’t make this embarrassing by trying to lie to me.”

Sebastian sighs, tilting his head lightly to the side.

“Mum, what do you want me to say? Of course, I miss Hanna and the kids, of course I’m lonely, I…,” his hands are trying to paint a picture into the air that he doesn’t know how to draw. He’s been asked about this so much lately that he’s usually got a prepared answer he just simply reels off without thinking about it. But he doesn’t want to take his mother for a fool.

“You never told me why Hanna and you chose to end it…,” his mother’s voice has gone soft, her eyes shining with compassion and understanding, but all it does to Sebastian is make him feel crowded and overwhelmed. He doesn’t want to talk to his mother about it, doesn’t want to lie straight to her face because in no way will he be able to acknowledge the truth in front of her.

It’s not that his parents have a problem with bi- or homosexuality. When Lewis came out both of them took his best friend into their arms and told him nothing would ever change about their love for him.

But it’s always different with one’s own child. And Sebastian is not sure how well his mother would react if he’d tell her that Hanna and he decided to get a divorce because he couldn’t stop himself from taking every opportunity he got to be with Lewis and that the feelings he has for his best friend played a major role in his decision to end his marriage.

Clearing his throat, he pushes his hands through his hair, trying to tame the blonde locks that have been starting to grow out recently, stalling to give an answer.

“Uhm… We just realized that we’ve grown apart from each other during the last years and that it would be best for us and the kids if we take this step.”

Heike has turned her back on her son again, starts the coffee machine, and silence folds its layers over the room for a few seconds. Seb catches himself halfway through biting on his fingernails, a habit he’s somehow adapted to whenever he’s nervous, a coping strategy for times when the anxiety in his body gets too much to bear without having an outlet for the restless energy. He buries his hands in the pockets of the sweatpants he’s wearing, stopping himself from biting his fingers bloody again.

Sebastian doesn’t notice that his mother tenses up a little bit when she starts to talk again, her fingers curling around the cup of coffee she’s just poured, holding onto the warm porcelain in her hands.

“Sebastian, can I ask you something?”

The nervousness that’s been a gentle swell in his stomach intensifies and he can feel nausea building up, his hands getting sweaty in the pockets. It’s never a good sign when his mum calls him by his full name.

“Yeah,” Seb croaks, a lump in his throat that he cannot swallow down makes it hard to get the words out straight, “of course you can. Always, mum.”

“Does Lewis know that you’re in love with him?”

When Kimi asked that exact same question years ago, Sebastian felt stripped of all his secrets, his heart laying bare for his friend to judge.

When Hanna asked him that question, he felt regret and guilt pooling in his stomach, nearly choking him with the knowledge that those feelings have lost him a family and a home.

When his mother asks him, he feels caught like a deer in headlights.

He’s standing in the middle of his parent’s kitchen, his mouth hanging open, his pupils dilated, and there’s fear cursing through his body, making it impossible for him to move even a single muscle. He can’t do anything but stare at his mother, waiting for the blow to come. When Heike starts talking again, Seb involuntarily flinches, as if he’s expecting his mother’s words to carry poison.

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice? Basti, I’ve known about that for years.”

His mind is slow in processing those words, still trying to unveil a hidden meaning, a hidden disappointment or something worse, but the more he’s trying to lay open the different layers of what his mother’s just said, the more he understands that her words only carry one meaning: sincere maternal concern.

“I think I need to sit down,” Sebastian rasps, walking over to the kitchen table like in a trance, his legs wobbly and unstable, his hands gripping tightly onto the back of the chair he pulls out from under the table, sitting down with a loud thud. His mother gives him a worried glance and settles on the chair opposite of him, her hands gently laying on Seb’s knees.

“Hey, sweetie, it’s alright. It’s nothing you have to be ashamed of.”

Those words heal more in Sebastian than any of the sympathy he’s been getting over the last months from anyone else and for the first time after Hanna’s and his divorce, he feels as if he can breathe
freely again, as if a weight has been lifted from his chest. Leaning onto his elbows, Seb puts his face in his hands, his shoulders trembling with the strength he has to use to keep from bursting into tears in front of his mother.

He realizes now, in that moment, sitting in his parents’ kitchen, that that’s what he’s been feeling for the last months - no, not just the last months but the last years.

He’s been ashamed.

However, it’s not because of his sexuality or that he’s fallen in love with his best friend.

But he’s been and he still is ashamed of the person he’s become because of it.

There’s a hot and burning shame gripping onto his heart, that’s been telling him all those years that what he feels is wrong, that he doesn’t deserve to have the tiniest bit of hope that Lewis might feel something for him as well. He’s been ashamed of what he’s put Hanna through, of what he’s put his kids through. He’s been ashamed that he’s lost control, that he wasn’t able to keep his feelings for Lewis on a platonic level, that he wasn’t able to stop these feelings from bubbling up and piercing the surface.

For all those years, he’s carried the shame with him, thinking that the negativity, anxiety and hate he’s felt towards himself was well deserved - thought that it served him right.

It’s crazy to think that it only took his mother to mumble this one sentence in order to unravel something in Sebastian, to make him see how stupid he was in thinking he deserved to suffer.

Yes, what he did to Hanna was wrong and yes, he will forever wish he could turn back time and undo the scars he’s left on her heart.

But it doesn’t mean that he has to be ashamed of himself and his feelings for Lewis. It’s nothing he can rationalize and undo through logical thinking. His feelings for Lewis are as valid as everything else.
It’s okay to love him, it’s okay that there’s nothing he wants more than to pull him in his arms and never let him go.

A breathless laugh escapes his lips when he finally realizes this and, lifting his head, he sees his mother smiling at him, her eyes shining with so much love and understanding that he has to avert his eyes again.

She curls her hands around his wrists, her touch a grounding force.

“Basti, there’s nothing in the world I want more than to see you happy. And Lewis has always made you so,” she falters, the lump in her throat mirroring Sebastian’s, making it hard to speak, “so incredibly happy. Whenever the two of you were together all of the weight you carried on your shoulders seemed to be gone. I’ve never seen you smile more honestly than when you’re with him.”

Cradling Sebastian’s cheek in her right hand, she tilts his head up again, the warmth in her eyes helping to slowly close the wounds he’s been tending to over the last months.

“Of course, your father and I have hoped you would be happy with Hanna and the kids, but we always knew that you’ve already found your person. And no matter what will happen in the future, if you and Lewis decide to give it a shot, we’d be happy for you two. And so so extremely proud.”

“Mom…” Seb croaks, emotion deepening his voice, his eyes glassy. He’s blinking furiously, trying to keep the tears from spilling over, small droplets of water being caught in the dark, full lashes of his eyes.

He feels free, feels light.

“You should tell Lewis how you feel. He might surprise you.”

Leaning forward, he wraps his arms around his mother’s shoulders, his cheek pressing against hers and he simply stays there.

When he was five, he’s thought his mother was a fairy because her hugs always made him feel better, always cheered him up. He’d always thought it must be some kind of magic, because how on earth could a simple hug cure a sibling’s fight, or a broken toy, or a bad day at karting. Later he learned that it wasn’t magic, but pure endless love.

But who says that magic and love aren’t two sides of the same coin?

Chapter Text

2020

The smell of burning coal and Stockbrot still lingers in the air, when the sun kisses the horizon and bathes the world in a deep blue colour. They’ve decided to make the most of the good weather and light a fire in the garden, enjoying the - probably - last few warm sun rays of the year.

Fabian leaves around half past ten in the evening, when the flames have nearly completely subsided, all of them sitting in the chairs around the fire basket and vanishing underneath blankets. He gives his brother and Lewis a hug, promises to try to come to one of the last races of the year, and kisses his parents goodbye.

Soon after, Norbert and Heike start piling up the dishes and wine glasses, bringing them inside, before they also bid Lewis and Sebastian a good night, disappearing into the dark house.
Heppenheim is quiet during the night; the motorway is quite distant and during October it’s rather unusual to be outside after eight p.m., leaving the silence of the night to Sebastian and Lewis.

Looking at his best friend out of the corner of his eyes, Sebastian watches the last glimmer of the embers dance over Lewis’ cheekbones, casting shadows over his face. Lewis is staring up into the sky, his braids pulled into a low bun, a few of the shorter strands are loosely tucked behind his ears.

“Do you remember when we used to do this all the time during summer break? When we spent weeks at your parent’s house, because my dad and Nicolas were in America and my mum was busy with work?” There’s a wistful smile on Lewis’ face now and Sebastian is finally allowed to focus his attention wholly on Lewis without it being weird. A low chuckle slips over Lewis’ full lips and he lightly turns his head that was leaning against the back of his chair, looking over at Sebastian. “I miss those times, man. They were a lot easier.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Seb mumbles, turning his face towards the night sky. A bat flies right through the constellation of the Great Bear, another one following it close, the two of them dancing over the deep blue canvas of the sky. He smiles to himself; it’s refreshing to see something other than the ceiling of hotel rooms and the light of cities dimming the shine of the stars. “I miss the ease and the fun that we had before all of the F1 bustle really kicked off. And these nights around the fire always brought so much peace with them. It’s actually a miracle that mum hasn’t brought out the photo albums yet, she always loves to flip through them and reminisce.”

That brings Lewis’ attention back to him and the older man beams at Sebastian.

“Wait, your mum took pictures of that? I’ve never seen those!”

Disbelieving, Sebastian raises an eyebrow. “She never made you look through the photo albums with her?”

“Never! Can we do that now?”

He’s sporting his best puppy look and Sebastian smiles exasperated, but he doesn’t mind taking a trip down memory lane either, so he gets up and goes inside to get the photo albums from the shelf in the living room.

When he comes back outside, Lewis has already pulled Sebastian’s chair close so that they’re both sitting next to each other. Seb’s blanket must’ve slipped down in the process, laying discarded in the grass, but Lewis pulls his own up to show Seb that there’s more than enough space for the two of them beneath his own. His heart leaps when he thinks about how easy it would be to just cuddle up to Lewis like that, forget the world around him, forget that the feelings burning beneath his skin probably aren’t reciprocated.

Crossing the lawn over to where his parents have paved a small round square where the barbecue and the garden furniture are placed. His feet get a bit wet in the process as his socks soak up the dew that has already settled on the grass over the last few hours. He pulls them up on his chair and beneath the blanket when he sits down, the warmth engulfing him immediately.

He tries not to concentrate on how close Lewis is sitting next to him, how he can feel his breath hitting against his throat when he leans over, the photo album in his hands.

There are way more albums than he’s brought out, but Seb wasn’t really keen on showing Lewis his baby photos and he’s not sure if the older one would’ve been interested in them at all. So, he grabbed the ones starting in 2004, the year he won the BMW ADAC championship.

It’s embarrassing and nostalgic at the same time, seeing Lewis turning the pages, examining each of the pictures with such care that Sebastian is already adjusting to the fact that they’re probably going to need three hours for the two albums he’s brought.

“You were so adorable back then,” Lewis laughs when he closely looks at a picture of one of Seb’s podiums in Formula BMW, Mario Theissen handing him the trophy, the then 18-year-old beaming, a still fresh sparkle to his eyes.

Seb groans, rubbing his right hand over his face.

He’s always been confident in his abilities and talent, sure of the things he could change and improve, adapt and hold onto - he’s always known he was and still is a good driver, his ways around the car standing out among the thousand other kids whose dream was to become a racing driver.

However, when it comes to his looks, Sebastian has always been far from confident. Yes, he wears the cocky smile and the confident air around himself easily - but it works more as a shield rather than true self-confidence. Beanies, hats, caps, baggy shirts and shorts give him a chance to hide, and sometimes he curses the Ferrari teamwear for being so tight. He usually doesn’t read what the tabloids write about him, he likes to stay offline as much as he can, but the comments came through even to him over the course of the season; that he had become lazy, was neglecting his training. More times than he can count the media has written about his fitness and form, or lack thereof, rather than concentrate on his racing results.

Looking at the old pictures of himself now, blonde unruly locks, blemished skin and those cursed braces that he hated wearing more than anything - he always thought it brought even more attention to his, in his own opinion, weird and too wide grin - he remembers why he’s never shown those pictures to Lewis before.

“Those braces made me look horrible, I despised them so much,” Seb groans, peeking through the small gaps of his fingers that are still in front of his eyes. He can see the wrinkles forming on Lewis’ forehead, his eyes even more stuck on the picture, his thumb holding the page in place.

“I don’t even know what you mean, I’m pretty sure I would’ve loved you all the same, with or without braces,” Lewis mumbles, his voice quiet and low, as if it is a thought that has unconsciously stumbled over his lips, his gaze still intent on the photograph.

But Sebastian hears it, and even though it takes some time to actually process it, disbelief and shock too overwhelming in his head, it finally sinks in.

I would’ve loved you the same, with or without braces.

I would’ve loved you the same.

Slowly lowering his hands, he turns his whole body towards Lewis who suddenly must’ve realized what he’s said, his fingers gripping tighter around the thick pages of the photo album he’s holding.

For a second, Sebastian is contemplating whether Lewis had meant that remark in a platonic way, because of course they’ve always loved each other, without love they wouldn’t have made it this far. But his forced calm stature that’s being betrayed by the tremble in his fingers and the way his breath turns heavy, as if he’s preparing to flee, the muscles beneath the blanket as rigid as a spring under high tension, tell Sebastian all he needs to know.

The only question that’s remaining is if I would’ve loved you the same means I love you right now, if it means that the love Sebastian has been aching for, is still aching for, is not just a presence of the past but also of the present and future.

But the only way to know that is to take the chance and leap.

“Me too,” Sebastian whispers, the confidence he’s tried to put into his voice betrayed by the anxiety and suspense that’s still bubbling in his body. He’s waited so long for this moment and even though everyone’s told him to go for it, to lay his feelings bare, to trust Lewis not to react in a bad way even if he doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, he’s still scared of taking a step too far, of hurting their friendship in a way that they cannot come back from.

The tense look vanishes from Lewis’ face, making way for a confusion momentarily prominent in the wrinkles on his forehead, and he turns around, his head tilted to the side.

“Huh? You would’ve loved yourself with braces too?”

Seb nearly feels bad when he starts laughing, not expecting that his answer might rattle Lewis like that. The anxiety has turned down to a quiet simmer in his veins, overshadowed by a calmness that has started to spread in his body when he’s looked into Lewis’ eyes, into the dark deep brown that’s always carried this feeling of coming home.

“No, you idiot,” he chuckles, softly cradling Lewis’ cheeks in both his hands, “I would’ve loved you with braces as well.”

“Oh,” Lewis breathes, relieved laughter bubbling up in his throat, and he can’t stop himself from letting it out, his hands reaching up to cover Sebastian’s.

When the laughter stops, there’s an uncertainty laced through the brown of his eyes however, and Sebastian can feel the grip of Lewis’ hands faltering.

“What does this mean though?” Lewis’ voice is small, and Sebastian only hears the hopefulness within it because he’s been living with the exact same feelings for the past years.

Breathe. Calm down. Believe.

Take a leap.

“It means that I’ve loved you for a long time and that I-,” air, he needs air, Seb thinks, gulping, “that I still love you today and probably forever will.”

For a few seconds, they just look at each other, blue meeting brown, hopefulness meeting hopefulness, questions turning into answers.

“I love you too.”

It doesn't come with a loud bang or the sound of trumpets, there's no firework or any other kind of celebration. It's just them, like it's always been and always will be. And somehow it feels like nothing big has changed, they're still the same two men they've been before, Lewis and Sebastian, two best friends, in love with each other, finally arriving at that moment in time where it's okay for the other one to know as well, where they feel comfortable to finally reach for that missing piece and complete the puzzle - together.

Later, Sebastian doesn’t recall who leaned in first, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because Lewis feels the same, he loves him, he wants to kiss him, no, he is kissing him, he’s got his hands on Seb’s, fingers curling around his own and god has he missed those lips, the smell of Lewis’ shampoo tickling his nose, the way his braids feel under his fingertips, how Lewis gasps when Seb runs his tongue over his lips, the way Lewis pulls him closer, trying to get him on his lap.

It doesn’t even matter that the garden chairs collapse under them because they cannot withstand their constant movements and tugging and tries to crawl onto the other person, it doesn’t matter because they’re sitting on the ground together, cuddled into each other, their legs caught in the chairs, their stomachs hurting from the strain of suppressing laughter, Sebastian’s head on Lewis’ shoulder, Lewis’ fingers threaded through blonde strands of hair, their shoulders trembling, bumping against each other.

It doesn’t matter because Lewis feels the same.

Lewis feels the same.

Lewis feels the same.

Lewis feels the same.

He’s never felt so many emotions at once, never felt more at ease, and excited, bubblier and giddier and teary eyed, while at the same time achieving that underlying feeling of calmness, that quiets all of the other emotions currently running through his veins.

And still, that doesn’t matter either.

All that does matter is that Lewis is kissing him on a pile of blankets and garden chairs beneath the starry night sky, chuckling against his lips because all of this is still too big to actually grasp, to actually believe it’s reality, their feelings out in the open - reciprocated.

They’re climbing up the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible, and it reminds Sebastian so much of the first time they’ve stumbled into the same room together, and with one look at Lewis he knows that his best friend, boyfriend, whatever he is right now - his everything - feels the same way. Well, it’s only taken them sixteen years to come to that conclusion.

Opening the door to Seb’s room, Lewis pulls him inside and closes the door with his foot, pushing the younger one up against the wall. Burying his fingers into the blonde hair, Lewis leans his forehead against Sebastian’s, his breath hitting against the younger one’s lips in a staccato-like rhythm.

Holding his breath, Seb wishes he could capture the moment in a jam jar, to never forget the way Lewis’ eyelashes graze his cheeks in a flutter, how his eyes have turned so dark they nearly look black, his body pressed against Sebastian’s own; he wants to capture this moment to always be able to come back, to relive how it felt to have Lewis close for the first time with the knowledge that he’s not alone in this, that Lewis loves him, wants him, needs him - him and no one else. It’s mind-blowing to him, that he’s the reason for Lewis’ rapid heartbeat and the goosebumps on his arms, that he actually has that kind of effect on Lewis - simply him, Sebastian.

Lewis closes his eyes for a second, nudges his nose against Sebastian’s, a softness to it that Seb wouldn’t have expected after being pressed against the wall like that; he definitely doesn’t mind, though.

“Sorry,” Lewis breathes against his lips, his eyes still closed, the fingers in Sebastian’s hair lightly trembling, “I just - I’m a bit overwhelmed to be honest.”

“It’s alright, Lew. Me too.” He hesitates for a moment before he realizes that he’s allowed to ask the next question without feeling bad, without having to suppress a feeling of guilt that he’s betraying someone with it. “Do you wanna lie down?”

When Lewis nods, he crinkles his nose in that adorable way of his and, just because he can, Sebastian presses a kiss on the tip of his nose, before slowly pushing his best friend backwards. They fall into the soft bed sheets on Sebastian’s mattress, their legs intertwined, bodies closely turned towards each other, trying not to fall off like Sebastian nearly did this morning.

Lewis tucks his head under Sebastian’s chin, sighing happily when Seb starts threading his fingers through Lewis’ now loose braids as he’s lost the hair tie somewhere during their make out session in the garden. His fingertips apply soft pressure on his scalp, massaging the tense skin until Lewis steadily relaxes in his arms, his breathing slowing down more and more.

“How long have you been quiet? About this?” Lewis mumbles the words against Sebastian’s collarbone, nudging his nose against the soft skin.

“A long time…” Seb replies a little belatedly, his voice getting stuck in his throat. He’s not sure how Lewis might react to the knowledge that Sebastian has already been in love with him for more than seven years. On top of that, he knows that once it’s out in the open, Lewis will ask about Hanna. And he’s not sure he’s ready for that conversation yet.

“What does a long time mean?”

Sebastian nuzzles his nose into Lewis’ hair and wraps his arms tighter around him. He can feel Lewis settle against him, his body a grounding, comforting weight on his chest.

“Do you remember Monaco? After the Singapore Grand Prix?”

Closing his eyes, Seb waits for Lewis to understand what he’s telling him and, like he’s expected, just a second after, Lewis slips out from under Sebastian’s arms, propping himself up on his hands so that he’s staring down at his best friend from above.

“2014 Singapore Grand Prix?” Lewis’ eyes are wide open, any trace of tiredness vanished with the words that Seb has just uttered.

Sighing, Seb pulls himself up as well, sliding back until his back touches the wall. When he looks back at Lewis, the other man is still staring at him with an incredulous look in his eyes, the question plainly edged into his features, so Sebastian simply nods. “Yeah, that one.”

“But I was still with Nico for a whole year after that,” Lewis sputters, still trying to get to terms with Seb’s words. “How did you manage to see us together all the time?”

“I-,” Sebastian starts, expecting something else entirely to come out of Lewis’ mouth, so he stops, blinking his eyes confusedly, “What?”

“I mean, it was already annoying enough for everyone else that Nico and I constantly fought but if you’ve already had feelings, like if you were already in lo-, if…,” Lewis stumbles, not able to form the words with everything still being so new and when Sebastian leans forward to cradle Lewis’ cheek in his hand, he can feel the warmth spreading underneath his fingertips.

Lewis closes his eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath, leaning against Sebastian’s hand. “I just mean, it must’ve been so hard for you to be there for me, to listen to me talk about Nico and our relationship… Why did you never say anything?”

Sebastian’s lips twist into a wistful smile and he lowers his hand, his fingers curling around the seam of Lewis’ shirt, fumbling with the piece of fabric.

“I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship… I didn’t think you’d feel the same and if something changed between us afterwards, not that you would like, I don’t know, would stop wanting to see me, but confessions like that always change something and I couldn’t live with myself if that had happened,” Sebastian rumbles, his gaze dropping down, focused on his fingers and the seam of Lewis’ shirt.

Suddenly he feels fingertips underneath his chin, softly pushing his head upwards until his eyes meet Lewis’. Understanding shines through those brown eyes and Sebastian lets out a relieved breath he didn’t know he’d held in.

“Seb, it’s alright, I get it. I did the same thing…”

Curiosity fills Sebastian's mind and he wraps his fingers around Lewis’, pulling the other one’s hand into his lap.

“How long have you been quiet about it?”

“Well, it was kinda thrown into my face this year, but the longer I’ve been thinking about it, the more I get that it’s been there for such a long time,” Lewis answers, his fingers pressing against Sebastian’s, first tentative, as if he was still unsure if he’s allowed to do that. Lost in thought, he adds, “And I guess I can understand Nico a bit better now. It doesn’t change that he’s been a total asshole in the end, but his jealousy wasn’t unfounded…”

“Thrown in your face?” Seb digs deeper, deciding to not go into the issue of Nico and Lewis (again).

Lewis squirms a bit under Seb’s gaze, and he lowers his head, his free hand rubbing over the back of his neck. “Yeah, when I was in Switzerland with you and I saw you and Hanna, I…” Lewis breaks off in the middle of the sentence, his head shooting upwards, his eyes filled with grief. “Shit wait, is this why you and Hanna… Is this why you guys got divorced?”

Biting down on his lip, Seb nods, but is quick to give Lewis’ hand a soft squeeze. “Please don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not your fault, you didn’t force me to fall in love with you, it just happened. And I’ve tried so hard...” his voice breaks for a moment when his thoughts are thrown back to the years of suppressed desire and yearning, of years filled with overwhelming guilt and ignominy.

“I’ve tried so hard to get over you, to get over the idea of us that I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way. I was a terrible husband and father,” he shakes his head when Lewis is about to start speaking, giving him a sad smile, “I don’t want you to pity me, Lew, I know that what I did was horrible to my family. Hanna deserves better and that’s why we decided to get a divorce.”

“I didn’t know you were hurting so much,” Lewis croaks, his eyes suspiciously wet, mirroring Sebastian’s.

“I didn’t want you to know,” Seb laughs, a hint of sadness tweaked into it, quickly rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes. “Hanna and I just didn’t work out anymore and even though I did truly love her, it just wasn’t enough at the end and she deserves to have someone who focuses entirely on her. I hope that she can find that now.”

Silence lays itself over the room, only the ticking of the clock on Seb’s bedside table breaks through. With a sigh, Lewis turns around and leans back, a comfortable weight against Seb’s chest, his head once again tucked underneath Sebastian’s chin. The older one takes both of their hands and folds them over his body, intertwining his fingers with the blonde’s.

“I’m still sorry you had to go through all of that, but I won’t say I’m not happy about this,” Lewis squeezes Seb’s hands at that, laying his head back a bit so he can look at Sebastian from beneath. “I love you and I never thought I would be able to tell you without feeling like I might ruin something.”

Sebastian smiles, pressing a kiss on top of the dark braids, and tightens his hold around Lewis. The butterflies he’s kept closed off for years on end are fluttering in his stomach, still a bit subdued, as if they weren’t sure how to behave, but with every word Lewis says, with every I love you, they become more unhinged, filling Sebastian with warmth and happiness, so much unbound happiness, that he doesn’t know where to put it all.

“I’m happy, too,” Seb whispers, and he lets out a teary laugh when Lewis looks up to him, biting down hard on his lips when the tears threaten to spill.

“Oh Seb, hey it's alright, I've got you,” Lewis mumbles, turning around halfway so he can cradle Seb’s cheeks, pulling him down to kiss him, their lips moving slowly against each other, getting lost in the moment, in the kiss, in themselves.

“I love you so much,” Seb says between kisses, chuckling when Lewis sniffs, the Brit’s hands buried in blonde locks, “And now that I can finally say it, I will never stop.”

“Of course, you’d be the biggest sap possible,” Lewis jokes, but there’s a raw honesty and emotion hidden beneath it, “but I love you, too. More than I could ever put into words.”

They fall asleep a bit later, in between lazy kisses, murmuring sweet nothings against each other’s lips, their legs and arms entangled. It’s comforting for both of them that even without saying it out loud, they know that they’ve finally arrived where they were meant to be all along, in each other’s arms, finally together.

The next morning, Sebastian carefully detangles Lewis’ arms from around himself and does his best not to wake him when he steps out of the room. His mom is already downstairs, preparing breakfast, and he kisses her cheek when she hands him a cup of tea. Heike gives him a prompting glance, but he doesn’t address it, still a bit unsure how official Lewis wants to make this. If he even wants to tell anyone else.

But before Seb can lose himself in a downward spiral of thinking about how Lewis might have changed his mind overnight or that all of this just happened in his dreams, Lewis enters the kitchen. His eyes are still small from the lack of sleep they've gotten, but as soon as he sees Sebastian, they start shining, his lips twisting into a dazzling smile.

And then he just kisses Sebastian. In the middle of the kitchen, his hand on Seb’s cheek, and Heike standing next to them. As if he’s done it a thousand times before. A sweet, but short kiss that shuts up all the thoughts that have been roaming around Seb’s head. Just like that. Simply with a kiss.

Seb’s heart threatens to break out of his chest with the happiness that spreads through his body and soul.

Chapter Text

2020

The sound of a closing door draws Lewis out of his deep slumber, and for a second, he feels disoriented, can’t quite place his surroundings until his eyes get used to the light. Oh yeah, home. Monaco.

Toto organized a private jet for him and Sebastian right after the Championship party in the Mercedes’ garages yesterday, so the both of them could enjoy a few days in solitude, before Lewis needed to be back in England for the real party the following weekend. Toto knowing about the two of them wasn’t meant to happen and in retrospect it might not have been their best move to make out behind the Mercedes motorhome, but to his defence, Lewis had thought that the building had been empty by then, everyone already back at the hotels. It should’ve occurred to him that Toto always leaves as the last person, but he was too deprived of Sebastian’s touch to really consider the possibility of his team principal running in on them. Well, he did.

Lewis had never thought he could ever feel as embarrassed as he did then, but in the end, it got them a private jet back home, without Lewis having to fight his way through journalists to get back to the hotel and having to try to sneak through the floors unseen to get to Sebastian’s room. So, all in all, that kind of evens out the winks and trying-to-be-sneaky comments Lewis has to endure now when Toto thinks he’s being especially funny during meetings.

Turning around, Lewis realizes that the closing door must’ve been caused by Seb because his boyfriend is nowhere to be seen, and when he reaches over to Seb’s side of the bed, the mattress is already cold. Those early birds and their inability to sleep in just once.

Stretching his legs and arms, Lewis yawns before he heaves himself up and hops off the bed. His phone is laying on his bedside table, the notification light blinking furiously, but Lewis decides to ignore it. It’s too early in the morning to deal with all the congratulations from family, friends and fans. He wants to take his time with that, to let everyone know how thankful he is for their support and with his mind still foggy from sleep, he’s not capable of doing that.

Even one day later, Lewis can’t believe that yesterday’s win has brought him his seventh world title, equalling him with the best driver Formula 1 has ever seen. He doesn’t think it will ever sink in, doesn’t expect he will ever accept that other people will call him a G.O.A.T. or a legend. After all, he’s still racing nearly every weekend, he still tries to get better, to improve himself.

He hasn’t come to some ending stage of his career yet. Even now, after 13 seasons in F1 there’s always something new to learn and to adapt to, always a way to be even quicker, even if it’s just him holding the steering wheel a little bit different to what he’s used to. And as long as he uncovers new possibilities to improve, he doesn’t think he can be called a legend; it doesn’t sit completely right with him.

That isn’t to say that he hadn’t teared up after yesterday’s race when Bono and Toto were congratulating him on the team radio, and he could hear Angela screaming in the back. Neither did the tears stop coming when his boyfriend was the first at his car when he was still sitting inside to tell him how proud he was that everyone was watching him making history. Not trusting himself to be able to speak without openly declaring his love for Sebastian in front of everyone then and there, he opted for cradling Seb’s cheek, a touch that might look innocent to the outside but would tell the other man exactly what he wanted him to know.

And that was the fact that he wouldn’t have made it this far without him.

And even if Seb always laughs at that, telling him to stop talking bullshit, deep down he knows that Lewis is right.

Because it’s the same for him.

They both found something in each other that’s anchored them throughout most of their lives and especially throughout their racing careers. They’ve always helped each other to stay grounded, to not let criticism from the media get to them - always each other’s protection shield. Be it in the paddock, in press conferences or just in private. And Lewis will be forever grateful for that.

When he prods into the sunlit living room, hiding a yawn behind the back of his hand, he notices that Roscoe is gone as well. A soft smile lifts his lips - Sebastian must’ve taken the bulldog out for his morning walk. For a moment, Lewis stands in front of the big windows that are opening up towards the sea, letting the sun warm his skin, looking out over the ocean. Even if he cannot hear the waves breaking at the shore, just watching it has a calming effect on his mind. He’s sure this overwhelming feeling will stay for a long time, however, until he actually gets to terms with what yesterday’s race meant.

His eyes fall onto the piano that, due to the stress over the last few weeks, he hasn’t really managed to play for a long time. As if pulled by an invisible string, his feet bring him over to the instrument and he sits down onto the soft chair, his fingertips running over the black wooden fallboard before he opens it and touches the cold keys.

Music has always been his way of escaping reality for a few minutes. As soon as he pulls his headphones on and the first notes fill his mind, he closes his eyes and relaxes, finding back to himself, shielding his mind from every word that is thrown at him by other people. It envelopes him in his own little safe bubble where he can let go of all the pressure and just breathe along to the music.

The same goes for playing the piano or the guitar, or just creating some kind of beat on his laptop. Sometimes it takes a long time to get into the right zone and mindset and rather than to relax, he’s feeling frustrated because the little time he has to spend on it grows even smaller when it takes him half an hour to get started, for the keys or the strings to feel right under his touch again.

But today his fingers find the right keys by themselves, a soft and sweet melody filling the room, Lewis just making it up as he goes along, messing up the harmony sometimes or missing the right key, but he doesn’t mind. It’s just about letting go, about getting lost in the music and the vibe and the rhythm and the sound. He closes his eyes, leans back a little bit until the sunshine falls onto his face, his fingers still dancing over the keyboard, and he breathes out.

Sebastian finds him like this, engulfed in the melody he’s playing, the sun painting his face and his bare chest in warm orange tones, the black ink of his tattoos more prominent than usual. The blonde halts in the doorway, lets Roscoe walk himself into the kitchen to eat his breakfast that Seb has prepared before they’ve gone out, and he just leans against the doorframe, looking at this man that he’s finally able to look at openly without having to feel bad for it.

And he can’t get enough of it, can’t stop getting drunk on the feeling of being allowed to watch Lewis for as long as he wants - well for as long until Lewis notices it, gets flustered and tells him to stop looking at him like that, even though Seb knows for a fact that Lewis revels in that.

Sebastian places the bag with fresh buns and croissants from the bakery on the drawer in the hallway just around the corner, before he crosses the room. Lewis has noticed him by now, but he doesn’t stop playing, just scoots over on the chair a little bit so that there’s enough space for Seb to sit down next to him. He knows that Seb loves this; sitting next to Lewis at the piano, listening to him play, just getting engulfed in the music and the atmosphere.

Lewis keeps playing for another few minutes until the smell of the fresh croissants makes his stomach rumble and he laughs, his fingers stop pressing down the keys, only lying flatly on the keyboard. He turns towards his boyfriend, his head effortlessly finding its spot on Seb’s shoulder, his nose nudging against the soft, cold skin of Seb’s throat. His boyfriend’s fingers run over his scalp and the braids that he just recently re-braided, a kiss being pressed on his forehead.

“Someone hungry?”

Sebastian’s deep voice stirs something else than the hunger for baked goods in the depth of his stomach, but sleep is still prominent in his limbs, so he ignores it for now. That doesn’t stop him from pressing an open-mouthed kiss against Seb’s throat, feeling it vibrate against his lips when the other man chuckles.

“I’ll take that as a yes, but I don’t know what kind of hungry we’re talking about.”

With a grin on his face, Lewis lifts his head, a twinkle in his eyes that Sebastian will be forever in love with.

“Croissants, then you,” Lewis answers with a teasing note to his voice, jumping up from the chair when Sebastian is about to poke him in the ribs for that comment.

“I’m not sure if I’m okay with being second best to a croissant,” Sebastian huffs with a smile.

“You will be, love,” Lewis grins and he knows he’s got Seb wrapped back around his little finger with that pet name.

Sometimes things can be as easy as that.

When Lewis turns around to go set the table, his eyes fall onto the picture wall, and he’s reminded of the moment he spent with Nico in here, just a few weeks back. Filled with curiosity, Lewis turns back to Sebastian, remembering how Nico had asked him about the picture on the drawer in his living room, the one of him and Seb, of Malaysia 2015.

“Hey, why did you choose that picture of us from the Malaysian Grand Prix? There were so many others to choose from.”

Seb’s eyes search for the mentioned picture, and when he finds it, his eyes fill with a warmth that Lewis would love to catch in a photo to forever be able to go back to.

“Kimi showed me that picture and said it looked like you were in love with me and well… I kinda liked the idea.”

A warm, engulfing feeling of love spreads through Lewis’ body and he smiles. He walks a few steps back to his boyfriend who has to bend his head backwards to be able to look up at Lewis. Stepping in between Seb’s legs, Lewis cradles the blonde’s face in his hands, before leaning down, their mouths just centimetres apart.

“You’re the absolute sweetest, did you know that?” Lewis breathes against Sebastian’s lips, drawing a small huff out of the latter who rolls his eyes before leaning his forehead against Lewis’.

“Would you just kiss me already? I haven’t even gotten a good morning kiss yet.”

“Eager much?”

“Lewis,” Seb whines, getting irritated when the older one dodges his attempt at kissing him, Lewis’ hands still firmly placed on Seb’s cheeks, holding his face in place. Chuckling, Lewis takes pity on his boyfriend and straddles his hips, eliciting a surprised, sharp intake of air from Sebastian.

“You were saying?” Lewis grins down at Sebastian, his hands sliding down the blonde’s throat, the light pressure making the younger one tremble slightly beneath him, and Lewis leaves them laying on Seb’s collarbone, his fingertips applying pressure on the soft skin beneath them.

“You’re a menace,” Seb answers, his voice so deep he’s nearly growling, and his hand suddenly on the back of Lewis’ head, pressing him closer until there’s barely anything in between their lips anymore. Lewis’ breath skips, his heart hammering in his chest when he feels Seb’s fingertips dig into the muscles of his right hip, his boyfriend drawing his whole-body flush against his own, and he gulps when he looks in those blue eyes that now resemble a storm rather than the summer blue sky he usually sees in them.

He’s fallen in love with the kind, selfless, loving person Sebastian is but he could die for the moments when he just radiates confidence and pure want, when Seb knows exactly what he wants and is going to take it.

Kissing him, Sebastian’s tongue immediately pushes in between Lewis’ lips, opening the latter’s mouth so his tongue can slip inside. Lewis’ fingers dig into the soft skin of Seb’s collarbone, and he feels desperate, searching for something to ground himself when he still feels so overwhelmed, still can’t stop the emotional whirlwind that’s been coursing through his body since yesterday.

He knows that Sebastian can quiet it though, knows that within all the passion and heat and desire his mind is able to slow down, simply focusing on the man in front of him, his hands on his body, his lips moving against his own, his tongue in his mouth, hot breath hitting against wet mouths.

A whimper leaves Lewis’ lips, when Sebastian pulls him even closer and he can feel Seb’s hard dick against his ass, making him aware of how achingly hard Lewis himself already is. It’s crazy what the younger one can do to him with only a kiss.

Usually, there’s nothing that Lewis hates more than the unpredictableness of his own body; he shapes it, trains it, and forms it the way he wants it to be, strengthens his muscles for them to be as reliable as possible. He needs his body to function in a car without having to think about it, needs to be able to trust it being steadfast and solid when he’s racing around a track at 300km/h.

But somehow, he doesn’t mind being unpredictable when it comes to Sebastian - actually quite the opposite; he loves to experience how differently his body reacts to Seb, loves when Sebastian discovers a new way to make him writhe and plead for more within a few seconds.

He chases after Seb’s lips when they suddenly leave his mouth, only to trail kisses down the skin of his throat, stopping at the crook of his neck where he knows that Lewis is especially sensitive. His teeth lightly scrape over the soft skin, before he bites down carefully, licking over it afterwards almost apologetically. Almost.

Lewis can feel Seb grinning against his throat when the older one shudders, his hands gripping Seb’s shoulders hard. He leans his head back, however, giving his boyfriend even more space and when Seb continues his way down Lewis’ bare chest, stopping at his nipple, there’s a low moan filling the silence of the living room.

“Shit, Seb,” Lewis pants, his legs unconsciously wrapping around Sebastian’s torso when Seb starts sucking on his left nipple, the hand that’s still holding Lewis’ head is lightly tugging at the braids that hang freely around Lewis’ face. It wanders down, fingernails scraping over Lewis’ spine, pressing down on the dimple right above his tailbone, before both of Seb’s hands cup Lewis’ ass, pressing him down on himself, groins flushed together. His heart thrashes in his chest, and his mind is suddenly blank, leaving him with nothing but a burning hot desire for the man in front of him.

This time it’s not only Lewis’ moan that fills the room.

“Bedroom,” Lewis pants heavily.

Suddenly, there’s movement beneath him and when Sebastian tries to stand up, Lewis still wrapped in his arms, Lewis quickly reaches back and tries to support himself with his hands on the piano. He will forever deny that the high-pitched, surprised Oh has ever left his mouth, when Seb lifts him up as if he doesn’t weigh a thing.

“Fuck, that’s hot, babe,” Lewis groans, tilting down to capture Seb’s lips in an open-mouthed kiss, his legs wrapped around the other man, whilst Sebastian is trying to blindly make his way to the bedroom without hitting a wall or stumbling over a sleeping Roscoe. Good thing Seb knows the apartment very well.

Taking the closed door of their bedroom as an opportunity, Sebastian presses Lewis against the hard wood, his mouth once again sucking on the skin of Lewis’ throat, his tongue tracing the black lines of the tattoos on his chest. Lewis’ head falls back against the door with a thump.

He lets his hands roam over Sebastian’s shoulders and down his back, his fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt, trying to pull the fabric upwards. It’s a lost cause with Sebastian pushing him against the door, however.

“Off, off, off,” Lewis complains, his eyes closed, completely lost in the moment, drawn in by Sebastian and his devotion to try to wetly trace every tattoo he can reach from that angle.

“Mhhh,” Sebastian just mumbles against his chest, the tip of his nose currently circling around Lewis’ hardening nipple, desire flaring up hotly in his stomach.

“Seb,” Lewis whines, finally getting the other’s attention, who lifts his head, the bright grin on his face a stark contrast against the dark, lust filled eyes.

“Can I not take five minutes to appreciate the gorgeous man in front of me?”

Heat spreads in Lewis’ cheeks and he bites down on his lips, suddenly bashful. He never gets embarrassed when photographers at a photoshoot or the media at an event praise his appearance, but whenever Seb does it, he lowers his gaze, unable to look into the open, honest eyes of the man that he loves.

“I just want to be able to appreciate you, too.”

That seems to change Sebastian’s mind, because he awkwardly fiddles behind Lewis’ back to open the door, drawing a chuckle out of Lewis who arches his back off the door, trying to give Sebastian more space.

“You could just put me down, that would probably make it a bit easier.”

Seb shakes his head, and a tiny sound of victory leaves his lips as he finally finds the handle. The muscles in Seb’s core tighten when the door suddenly swings open behind Lewis, and he has to lean back on his heels, so they don’t tumble into the room.

“Wanted to carry you over the threshold.” Seb’s voice is quiet and muffled because his lips are already back on Lewis’ skin, kissing the junction between the jawbone and throat whilst he’s making his way through the room.

Adoration and endearment fill Lewis for a second, upstaging the raw desire that’s been flowing through him before, and a picture suddenly flares up in his mind, an image of a might-be-future, a spectre filled with love and hope and growing old together.

Lewis loosens his grip on Sebastian’s shoulders and instead curls his fingers around Seb’s face, lifting it up from where it’s currently pressed against his chest. When his eyes meet the dark storm of Seb’s, a gentle smile lifts his lips.

“I love you, you know that, right?” he croaks, his vision blurring momentarily when Sebastian beams up at him, suddenly soft. His arms tighten around Lewis and when the latter places one of his hands on Seb’s chest, he can feel his heart beating in his chest. Fast and loud, as if it wanted to jump out, straight at him.

“I know.”

The air around them has suddenly changed; desire and lust having paved the way for a softness that makes Lewis tremble when Seb gently lowers him down on the bed, crawling up over him immediately, his lanky frame covering all of Lewis muscular body.

“I love you, too, Lewis,” Sebastian says, pressing featherlight kisses on the lion’s head, on the N of the compass down to the S, his lips moving over the skin and muscles that clench underneath the soft caresses.

It’s nearly too much for Lewis to bear, the way Seb touches him, treats him, loves him. Unconditionally and without fear, as if he’s always done it, as if it was the most natural thing for him to do. It makes Lewis want to crawl into him and never leave, forever be there, forever be safe. Sebastian loves him as if he was born to do it, without ifs and buts.

Full send.

Sometimes it’s hard for him to accept that, and he keeps waiting for the catch, something that will make Sebastian start thinking, make him rethink their relationship.

He can’t be allowed to be this happy now, can he? They can’t be, right?

But whenever he voices this to Seb, his boyfriend tilts his head, understanding shining through the blue of his eyes. And then he just kisses Lewis, tells him to stop worrying, while he’s cradling Lewis’ face gently in the palms of his hands. And there’s never been anything else in his life that comes as easy to Lewis as trusting Sebastian.

A low moan slips out of Lewis’ lips when Sebastian dips his tongue into his belly button, before he presses a kiss on it, his mouth trailing down further until he reaches the elastic band of Lewis’ boxershorts. His teeth lift the elastic a little bit, tugging it down Lewis’ hips.

“Fuck, Seb,” Lewis grunts, when the tip of Sebastian’s nose softly touches his dick, his hands fisting the blanket beneath him. It’s taking all of his self-control to not buck up his hips even though he’s so desperate for every little touch he can get. “Babe, please…”

He doesn’t know exactly what he’s begging for, but when Sebastian drags down his boxers even further while his nose runs along Lewis’ dick, so softly, so lightly, barely more than a fleeting touch, he knows that he needs more.

Lewis lifts his hips to make it easier for Sebastian to pull his boxers down but as soon as he’s done that, Lewis pulls him up again, his fingers fisting into the sweater Seb is wearing - which is, by the way, definitely from his side of the wardrobe. Not that he would mind though, at least then he knows Seb isn’t dressed in his usual, sometimes a bit bland, plain jumper.

“Hi there,” Seb grins, voice low and ragged already, when he hovers over Lewis, the latter’s hands still grabbing onto his sweater. His eyes are dark, but the sunshine from outside breaks it up in little spectres of blue and for a second all Lewis can do is look into the deep indigo ocean that’s pulled him in so many years ago.

God, Sebastian is beautiful.

“Hey,” Lewis croaks, his fingertips wandering from the soft fabric to Seb’s skin again, fleetingly running up his throat, caressing his cheekbones. He shivers beneath Lewis’ touch but leans into it nonetheless, always desperate for more. “Take that off, why are you not naked already?”

Chuckling, Seb sits back, the balls of his feet pressing into the soft mattress beneath him as he tries to pull the sweater and his shirt over his head at the same time as Lewis is tugging down his trousers.

Swaying, Sebastian has to hold onto Lewis’ shoulder with one hand, while his other arm is still stuck in his sweater.

“Love, wait, just give me a second!” he laughs, his head still partly stuck in the jumper.

Pouting, Lewis falls back into the sheets again, his fingers running up and down the calves of Seb’s left leg.

“Just be quick.”

When Sebastian is finally naked as well, his clothes carelessly discarded somewhere on the ground around the bed, Lewis wraps his hand around Seb’s wrist, pulling him close once more. Nudging his nose against the other’s, Lewis is rewarded with the low, sweet chuckle that always seems to come directly from Sebastian’s heart.

Kissing Seb never gets old.

Especially not, when his boyfriend decides to bite down on his lower lip, apologetically licking over it right at the same time that he moves his body, their groins suddenly lining up, dicks rubbing against the other. Lewis yelps against Sebastian’s lips, his eyes pressing close so hard he can see stars, his fingers digging into Seb’s lower back.

The weight of the other man on top of him, ever so slightly moving, but never really moving against Lewis, leaves him breathless and writhing beneath Sebastian within seconds. Seb’s tongue slips into his mouth again, his hand slipping in between their bodies, rubbing over his nipple and it makes his toes curl into the sheets and his back arch up, right into Sebastian’s.

Seb hums encouragingly, his hand running down Lewis’ side now, wrapping around both of their dicks. He tries to build up a rhythm, but Lewis is already too desperate, his hips bucking up into Sebastian’s hand, the other man faltering in his movements. Halting, Sebastian pants against Lewis’ wet lips, the arm that’s currently trying to steady all of his weight is trembling with the desire that’s running through his veins.

“Lew, wait,” Seb mumbles, sounding wrecked already.

Triumph sparks in Lewis’ chest and he hopes that he will forever be the reason that Sebastian looks like that, breathes heavily like that, gets undone like that. He lifts his head a little, the tip of his tongue running over Sebastian’s lower lips, a grin hidden in the dimples of his cheeks when Seb’s mouth falls open, a moan slipping out.

He could happily do this all day and not miss anything else.

“I want-” Seb starts, but falters when Lewis’ hand wraps around his dick, thumb running over the slit. His forehead falls on Lewis’ shoulder, the moan hitting sweaty skin, teeth digging into Lewis’ collarbones. “Lew, fuck. Sleep with me, please.”

Surprised, Lewis stops, Sebastian’s dick pulsing in the palm of his hand. Unsure if he understood what Seb was asking him to do, he props himself up, Sebastian involuntarily having to do the same.
There’s a hint of pink staining the younger one’s cheeks and he bites down on his lip, his eyes fixed on a point on Lewis’ chest.

“Seb, look at me,” Lewis mumbles, his hand running up Sebastian’s hips, his side and shoulders until he can wrap it lightly around Seb’s throat, his thumb gently pressing up against his chin until his boyfriend is looking at him. “Are you sure about that? You don’t have to do that.”

Swallowing, Sebastian’s Adam’s apple moves beneath Lewis’ palm.

“No, I want to, I really do. I trust you.”

The love that flares up in Lewis’ body nearly crushes him and he pulls Sebastian down, kissing him hard and demanding. Wrapping his arm around Seb’s middle, he turns both of them around in a swift motion, revelling in the pleased moan that hits against his lips.

“I love you,” Lewis mutters against Seb’s lips. He presses another kiss against those soft, red lips before he reaches over to the bedside table, opening the drawer to get the lube. He can feel Seb’s eyes on him when he opens the bottle, gently coating his fingers with the gel and he raises his eyebrows in a question when he turns back to his boyfriend. Before he can vocalize it, however, Sebastian pulls him back on top of him, wrapping his hand around Lewis’ wrist to guide his hand in between the two of them, grinning when Lewis moans at his confidence.

“Cocky little thing.”

Sebastian laughs at that, but just a second later it changes to a low moan, his eyelids fluttering close when Lewis caresses his rim. It’s such a foreign sensation to Seb that he doesn’t know what to concentrate on, his hands desperately gripping into the sheets, searching for something to ground him.

“It’s gonna hurt a bit,” Lewis apologizes, kissing Sebastian when he can see the other’s face scrunch up, the feeling of being stretched open sending a burn through his abdomen. “It’s gonna get better though, I promise.”

He takes his time to open Seb up, reaches for the lube another time to make sure it’s as painless for Sebastian as it can be, and he whispers sweet nothings into the other’s ear, his mouth sucking on Sebastian’s earlobe, kissing a trail down his throat, nudging his nose against freckles on Seb’s shoulder. By the time Seb finally exhales and turns his head so he can press a kiss on Lewis’ temple, both their dicks have grown soft.

“I think I’m okay, Lewis, I’m ready.”

“You sure? I just really don’t want to hurt you.”

Lewis hisses when he suddenly feels Sebastian’s hand on his dick, the fingertips dancing over the soft skin, desire sending blood straight back down.

“You won’t, Lew,” Seb mutters against his lips, his tongue slipping into Lewis’ mouth again, “just fuck me, yeah? I really, really want you to fuck me right now.”

“Shit, yeah. Just- yeah, of course,” Lewis replies, breathless.

He scrambles up, his fingers rummaging through the drawer, trying to find a condom. A triumphal hum leaves his mouth when he finally grabs one. He rips it open a bit too enthusiastically and embarrassment flushes up in his cheeks as Sebastian laughs at his eagerness, when he’s carefully inspecting the condom for any tears. When he’s finally managed to pull it over his dick, Seb’s grin has vanished again, and instead there’s just this pure, open and trusting expression on his face, his eyes beaming with the love he has for Lewis.

“It’s gonna hurt a bit more now than when it was just my fingers,” Lewis apologizes again when he lines himself up, but Seb only sighs, burying his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck.

“Stop apologizing for this and just get on with it. I know that we have the whole day, but I’d like to eat the croissants semi-warm.”

An exasperated chuckle slips over Lewis’ lips, but he knows that Seb is just masking his nervousness with sarcasm.

“Kiss me, it’ll distract you a bit.”

Doing as he’s told, Seb still can’t help but stop when Lewis slowly pushes into him, his nose scrunching up as he tries to grow used to the feeling of Lewis inside him. It burns and it hurts, but he doesn’t say anything, just tries to relax, focusing on Lewis’ lips against his own.

“Seb, shit, this feels so good. Fuck,” Lewis grunts, doing his best to keep a slow pace even though the tightness around his dick feels absolutely overwhelming and it’s close to torture to push in so slowly.

When he’s buried inside his boyfriend completely, Lewis stops moving, and he remembers to breathe again. He presses a kiss on Sebastian’s lips, then on the tip of his nose and his eyebrows. Gently untangling Seb’s fists from the sheets, he intertwines their fingers, placing their hands next to Seb’s head.

“Are you okay?”

Seb nods shortly, his body still a little tense beneath Lewis, but he can feel him relaxing even more.

“Can you move?” Seb croaks, opening his eyes and Lewis is glad to see that there’s no trace of pain woven into the blue.

“If you want me to?”

“Would I have asked otherwise?”

Biting down on Seb’s lower lip, Lewis grins when Sebastian yelps surprised, his hands squeezing Lewis’ tightly.

“Be nice, or I’ll just leave.”

“Sure, you will,” Seb retorts, already starting to say something else when Lewis slowly pulls out and in again, a moan rolling over his lips instead of the witty remark that’s been on the tip of his tongue. He pushes his head back into the pillow, his body arching up towards Lewis, giving the latter a perfect view of the man beneath him.

It takes a bit longer until Sebastian feels pure desire running through his body, but when Lewis suddenly brushes over that one spot, he can’t hold back his moans anymore. He’s writhing underneath his boyfriend, fingernails digging into the back of Lewis’ hands, his hips surging up whenever Lewis’ are coming down and he doesn’t know what to focus on anymore, too overwhelmed by the feeling of having Lewis inside him.

Seb doesn’t know where his own body ends and where Lewis’ starts, and he just wishes they could always stay like that, tangled up in each other, open mouths searching for the other, sweaty forehead pressed against sweaty forehead, bodies writhing in pleasure. Nothing comes close to what he’s feeling right now, and he never wants it to stop, feels the climax coming way too soon and tries to hold back, his moans strained.

Lewis notices though and he just increases his pace, kissing Sebastian hard, every moan that hits his lips going straight down into his dick.

“Seb it’s okay, you can let go. I’ve got you, baby, I’ve got you.”

It’s barely more than a whimper, but Lewis still hears Sebastian’s “I know you’ve got me” before he gives in, a jolt running through his body when he comes, Lewis’ name on his lips like a mantra he whispers to himself when he needs something to hold on to. The legs he’s got wrapped around Lewis’ back just tighten more with every time Lewis pushes into him and it doesn’t take much longer for Lewis to follow, his head pressed into the crook of Sebastian’s neck, buried deep within his boyfriend.

They stay like that for a long time, blissed out, dozing off, arms wrapped around each other. It feels as if they’re in a bubble where time has stopped and it’s just the two of them in their own little world.

No F1, no title-fights and championships, no media and journalists, no friends and families. Just the two of them, naked like humans were intended to be, drunk on love and each other, the highest magnitude to be reached. And if someone told them that that’s where they would stay for the rest of their lives, tangled up in each other, Lewis’ head tucked underneath Seb’s, his hands in the blonde curls and Seb’s arms and legs wrapped around him, they’d both not be able to think of anywhere they’d rather be.

It’s taken them a long time but in the end they found what they were looking for over all those years. Found something in each other that they were searching for in every other relationship, found it in the one person that has always been there right next to them, steadfast and secure. Found it in each other.