Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Caleb's head is swimming with memories and possibilities. He knows it would work, why wouldn't it? He's thought of every detail, every possibility. His mind is so focused he almost doesn't hear Essek talking to him.

"Would you do it? I would help you."

Suddenly he's back in his own body, blinking rapidly. Did he say that out loud? He looks at Essek, who's looking back at him intently. He didn't even realize he was talking. He focuses again on the room around him and gathers his components. Steeling his resolve, he burns everything around him, and disintegrates what doesn't burn to ashes. 

Essek is still watching him, his intensity never waivers. When it's done he leans closer to Caleb and says "Good."

They stay for a bit longer, watching all those plans and possibilities become nothing, their biggest desires and temptations turning into ashes, and then Essek suggests they find a safe spot to place the tower and rest for the day. Caleb just nods and follows him. The drow sends him worried glances a couple of times, but neither man says anything. 

They leave the T-doc and find a safe enough place, Caleb methodically placing his components and making the somatics necessary while Essek stands nearby, keeping watch. As soon as the door appears, Caleb walks inside, without bothering to look back or close the door.

*****

Essek is worried. He saw the fierce look in Caleb's eyes become unfocused once everything was destroyed. He knew how much of a big decision it was, for the both of them. And yet, when the time came to make it, he already knew he could not do it. Not if it meant losing the Nein in his life, not if it meant not having Caleb in his life. He prefered to live in a broken world with his friends than a better one alone in his Towers. He is a coward, after all.

But then he heard Caleb talking about his own plan, and what that room meant to him. The pain and loss written all over his face, the surprise when Essek suggested helping him. He realized he wasn't meant to hear it, at that point, that the other wizard was so lost in his own mind he didn't realize he was talking. So he stayed quiet after that, waiting for Caleb's decision. In the end he chose the same, even though Essek could not understand why at first. But then those blue eyes became glazed and distant, his pale hand stuck in position after casting, and the drow knew something was wrong. He tried coaxing the other back to him with small sentences and practical plans, but Caleb only nodded and followed him along, his mind still trapped inside.

He hovered anxiously nearby while Caleb called his tower into being, his movements still sluggish, trailing behind his thoughts. Essek desperately wanted to help his friend, but he wasn't good with comforting others. He wasn't even good at comforting himself. He opened his mouth to say… what? Something witty, perhaps? But as soon as the translucent door appeared Caleb walked inside, not looking back. Essek managed a moment of desperate courage while inside, and reached a hand to grab his friend's shoulder before he could float up and disappear somewhere.

"I'm going to request some dinner, do you want anything specific?"

Not the best distraction but by now Essek was running out of ideas. 

"No, just order whatever you like from the cats, I don't mind."

Well, it was a full answer at least. He waited for Caleb to look at him over his shoulder to give him a thin lipped smile and a nod.

"Alright. Should we meet at the dinner table in 30 minutes?"

Caleb bobbed his head, not looking back this time. Essek let his hand drop as the other wizard floated up, and stayed behind to order the cats Caleb's favorite foods before going to his own room.

Thirty minutes later, bathed and dressed, Essek arrived at the dinner table to find it empty. Odd, but being the kind of day that it has been, not very surprising. He sat at the table and waited. Ten minutes after that he was beginning to truly worry. Their meal was getting cold, but he dared not touch anything without his companion. 

Ten more minutes after that Essek was panicking again. His stomach was twisted in a knot, and he couldn't wait any longer. Ignoring the judgemental looks from the cats he got up, leaving the whole meal untouched as he made his way to Caleb's bedroom. He stood at the door a few moments, trying to decide the best course of action, his own fears of intruding warring with the growing anxiety in his chest. He knocked once, twice. Called his name. No answer.

Calling back to whatever little courage he could muster, Essek tried the door knob. It twisted easily in his hand, and he found himself looking into a very simple room, with a single bed at the end and a small wooden table at the corner. He realized he never saw Caleb's bedroom before, not even during the tour. Most of the Nein eventually brought Essek to their rooms to boast on how well-thought it was. How much love Caleb showed them through the attention to details. He knew this, of course. His own room was the materialization of Caleb's newfound trust in him (though still a bit fragile), a symbol of their friendship. Essek was shocked to see that none of that love and care was present here, in Caleb's room. It made his heart squeeze in his chest, to see once again how low the zemniam thought of himself.

But more than anything, what was glaringly obvious was the lack of said man's presence in the room. Essek slowly let himself in, softly calling out Caleb's name while entering, feeling like an intruder but doing it anyway. It didn't take him long to notice the coat on the floor, leading to the bathroom. It wasn't a big room anyway. He floated towards the coat, looking carefully inside the bathroom through the space the door left ajar, and saw more clothes scattered around.

"Caleb? Are you there?"

No answer again. He knew he shouldn't, all of his body was screaming at him of how improper this was. But he was worried about his friend, so he steeled himself again and, blushing furiously, opened the door fully.

Inside was a very simple washroom. A small basin at his right, a wooden bucket next to it and, occupying most of the room, a simple wooden tub to his left. He finally found his companion, sitting inside a now cold bath, knees brought up, his slim arms wrapped around them and head slumped over. His copper hair, now a shade more red with the water, was loose around him, covering his face. Essek could see he was breathing by the shallow movement of his back, but otherwise there was no movement, no acknowledgment of his presence here. 

Throwing all etiquette to the wind, Essek kneeled beside the tub and pulled Caleb back, gently pulling at his shoulder with a tentative hand, until the other wizard finally lifted his head and looked around. 

"Caleb, please look at me."

He turned his head, dazed, and it was plain on his face the pain he still felt. His eyes were red and beginning to swell, his lips chapped even with all the water around him. There were two faint red marks on his forehead, where he's been resting his head on his knees for… for how long?

Caleb breathed a smile that didn't stay when he locked eyes with Essek. His blue eyes didn't stay locked either.

"I'm sorry, my friend. I… I seemed to have lost track of time."

If Essek was panicking before, now he was full-on terrified. The human never in his life ever not know what time it was. He remembered everything, and he always, always, knew the time. He took a deep breath and tried to remember everything he ever learned by watching Jester and Caduceus. He prayed to whatever gods were there that he would know enough to help. By the light, he missed his friends so much. They would know what to do.

"I believe you have bathed enough for today, my friend. Come, let me assist you in getting up."

He took Caleb by the arm and gently helped the human get up, trying with all his might to not look at anything. He may have risked all his century-old ingrained sense of propriety but there were still limits to his sensibilities and he was not going to ogle this man on his most fragile moment, damnit. Thankfully, there was an old robe hanging on the wall behind the door he came in, and Essek quickly wrapped the human in it. He saw a towel folded on a bench in the corner behind the door, and took it as well.

The zemniam looked so fragile Essek was afraid he would break if he let go. So he kept his voice low, his movements slow, and carefully led them both out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom. He still didn't let go of the arm he was holding. When they were both seated at the edge of the bed, Essek allowed himself a glimpse at the full state of the other man. His hands and feet were wrinkled from the time in the water, his face still haunted, but a bit more present. Good. He put the towel around Caleb's shoulders to soak up the water streaming from his hair.

"I apologize for intruding in your quarters uninvited. You were late for our dinner and I worried."

"No, I'm the one who should apologize, mein freund . I… it was a long day, I guess."

There was a moment of silence, while both stared at their own feet and the growing pool of water on the wooden floor. Essek wondered if this was the kind of place Caleb grew up in, or if it was just as much as a nondescript room as he could think of for himself.

"It was. And we need to eat to keep our strength. Would you accompany me in having some soup? I can ask the cats to bring them here."

A pause, then " Ja , that would be nice."

Looking at the open door to the corridor, Essek catches a small group of spectral cats positioned by the door, watching him openly.

"Mr. Biscuit, could you please bring us two bowls of hot soup? I'm sure there is still enough from dinner." There was more than enough, since no one ate it, but he didn't want to make his friend anxious by reminding him of that.

The black and white cat gave a soft mrrr and walked away with his tail up, while the others took their leave. He turned again to ensure Caleb that dinner was on its way, only to get caught being stared at by a pair of surprised blue eyes. He couldn't understand why, but the open expression on the wizard's face made his stomach flip. The blush that he managed to fight off a couple of minutes ago threatened to come back, and so Essek tried his best to avoid eye contact while they waited.

When the black and white cat reappeared, somehow managing to balance a tray with two hot bowls of soup with only his tail, it took both men a minute to figure out where to eat, since there was not enough space on the small desk for the both of them, and the bed would prove to be a challenge. Eventually Essek just sighed and resigned himself to sitting on the floor, the both of them sitting cross legged close to each other. He waited for Caleb to start eating before he took his own spoon, and they ate slowly, in silence for a while. Finally, after finishing his meal, Caleb let out a small sigh, and Essek could relax a bit seeing the wizard act a bit more like himself again.

"Better?"

"Better. Thank you."

"Anytime."

The drow gave him a small smile, the warmth of the soup mixing with the now familiar swell of emotion inside at the sight of his friend relaxing a bit. He's done something right, it seems. But then they both got up, their dinner finished and Essek completely out of ideas on what to do next. They looked awkwardly at each other for a while, as apparently Caleb was also at a loss on how to proceed. He gave Essek a weak smile, but this time it stayed on his lips, and his eyes were focused again.

"Thank you. For everything. It was… a rough day for me. But I'm glad you were with me to see it through. I wish I didn't have to put you through such trouble, though."

"No trouble." Essek lied easily, feeling glad he actually did help this time. "I understand it was a hard decision to make. You don't have to, but if you wish to talk about it, I can be a good listener."

Caleb still seemed too fragile, but Essek wanted to put the offer out there, just in case. He knew little of the other's past, and what he heard of his plan hinted at a devastating story. He wished he could help share the burden, take some of that pain away.

"If you don't mind, I'd rather just sleep right now. I can tell you more tomorrow, perhaps?" He looked apologetic, like he owed an explanation when Essek already felt like an intruder. 

"Any time you want, Caleb."

The drow awkwardly started to hover back to the door, feeling like he has overstayed his welcome already, but hesitant to leave the other alone.

"I will let you rest then. Until tomorrow Caleb Widowgast."

The use of his full name pulled a bit more at the corners of the human's lips, which in turn widened the drow's smile. 

"Good night, Essek Thelyss."

Essek felt his whole body sigh in relief after closing the bedroom door behind him. He looked at the growing number of spectral cats sitting in the corridor, staring at him. Apparently he wasn't the only one worried. He knelt down by them and whispered in a conspiratorial tone "Call me if you find anything suspicious happening? Please?"

A few swished tails, a few slow blinks and two meows is what he got in return. As good a reply as he will get, with these. He got up and floated back to his own chambers, a mix of fear and accomplishment in his chest. His trance that night was filled with memories of his interactions with his cleric friends, wondering if he made them proud.

Chapter Text

Next day, Caleb woke up to a room full of cats. Some were sleeping with him, occupying every possible space on his bed. Others were in various states of sleep or waking on the floor. Many were just stoically staring at him. It helped. He had a terrible headache from crying too much the night before, a hole in his chest where his hopes of seeing his parents again used to be. And a massive moral hangover from letting Essek see him in one of his worst states since meeting the Nein.

So yeah, having the comforting presence of his spectral cats helped his mood a bit. He spent some time wondering how he could manage to avoid meeting Essek again, and even entertained the idea of asking Jester to modify his memory for a bit, but knew this was a lost battle. He was going to face his travel companion eventually. There was still a lot of Aeor to uncover, and there was only the two of them. Actually, they really needed to discuss that one. They never did plan much ahead of the visit to that  room, and last night’s events meant they never had their usual moment of planning for the next day, right after dinner.

Sighing loudly, he rubbed his face and got up to make himself presentable. With some luck his face would not be as puffy and red as he felt it was by the time Essek saw him again.

By the time he did find Essek, Caleb wished he had done so sooner. The drow was uncharacteristically kneeling on the floor of the library, scratching the chin of a tabby cat and surrounded by five others. He was smiling to himself while whispering something that Caleb could not hear. Caleb had no recollection of seeing Essek showing such open affection to anyone before, let alone his spectral cats, and the image hit him like a loose moorbounder. Damn this beautiful man and his worming into his heart. Now he would never again forget it, just one more memory to the collection of things-about-Essek-that-made-Caleb-soft that he pretended he didn’t revisit every night before falling asleep. Before too long, though, Essek must have sensed his presence, because he looked up straight at Caleb. Still smiling, he got up to walk towards the human.

“Hello. I trust you slept well last night? You seem better today.”

Essek kept his voice light and his demeanor open, but it still made Caleb blush with embarrassment. He couldn’t help but duck his head and hold his elbows as he answered.

“Ah, ja, I did. I feel better too. Thank you, for your help. I’m sorry you had to see that… but thank you.”

“You have nothing to apologise for. I can only imagine how much a decision like that must have hurt. I only wish I was better equipped to help you.” 

Essek looked so earnest with his answer that arguing about his grounds to apologise for anything felt like a snub of his friend’s feelings, so Caleb decided to focus only on the second part.

“You are. You helped me immensely last night.”

Even with his head ducked he could see Essek smile proudly and look away. Caleb thought that maybe he saw the drow blush as well, but his dark complexion made it very hard to tell for sure. They stood around for a few awkward seconds, both desperately looking for a way to change the subject, until Caleb remembered.

“How did you know-”

“Do you feel like-”

They both looked up, now definitely embarrassed for speaking at the same time, and spent another few awkward seconds doing that silly little dance people do when trying to decide who goes first. Essek convinced him this time, only because Caleb desperately wanted to escape his awkwardness. 

“I was only going to ask, how did you know Mr. Biscuit’s name? Last night you called him specifically by name, when you asked for our dinner.”

“Oh, I don’t really know all of the cats' names, but I remember seeing you talk to that one once. I remember him because his fur makes it look like he’s dressed for a gala of some kind.” He said it with a small shrug, like it was not a big deal. Well, maybe it wasn’t for Essek. When Caleb kept staring at him, he finished, at bit demure “It felt rude to ask for dinner from a cat that I could not name.” If Caleb Widowgast, famous cat lover, was not in love with Essek Thelyss before, this would be the moment he would decide to fall for him. Did Essek even know how much it meant to him, this small kindness, this attention to one of the things he loved most in the world? Did it even matter if he knew? 

He realized he was just staring dumbly at his friend, which only made Essek even more self conscious, so Caleb scrambled for something to say that would save his rapidly disgracing image. “I see. I can teach you the names if you wish.” He tried not to wince too hard at his own lameness.

Essek looked around the tower before replying with a laugh “I believe that would take a great deal of time, but perhaps you could teach me a few instead? Enough to not be judged too harshly by them.”

He made it impossible to not smile back. “It’s a deal then. I will teach you the names of your favorites, since you seem to have become quite acquainted with some.” And then, because he was desperate for anything that would not make his heart melt even further inside his chest, “Now, what were you saying?”

“I was about to ask if you felt amenable to discuss our next steps. Since we have already reached our main goal here, there is a debate to be had about exploring further or going back to the surface.” He looked at Caleb a bit more serious, his eyebrows regaining some of the worry they had the day before. “Unless you wish to take the day to rest. We have certainly exerted ourselves enough to deserve a day off, if you will.”

The last thing Caleb wanted was to spend his day moping around with his feelings and his dark thoughts. Not to mention a whole day reliving his embarrassment from the previous day. He needed a distraction. His arms itched and he held on tighter to them, trying to not give into the temptation of scratching. “Actually, I believe the work will help more than resting ever will. And you are right, we do need to decide our next steps. So I would say we can look at the map we have so far and make plans?”

Caleb did not need to look at a map, and they both knew that. But Essek did, and it was nice to sit at their usual desk in the library, surrounded by books and dim lights and the occasional cat bringing snacks and drinks. So there they went, to decide their plans. 

It wasn’t a long debate, in the end. They both were immensely curious about the secrets Aeor kept, but knew that it was much too dangerous for only two ‘squishy wizards’, as the Nein so helpfully pointed out several times. Still, they had options. And Caleb had the distinct impression that Essek was stalling for time before having to face his own fate with the Dynasty, so they decided to stay and explore a little more. Just until they ran out of healing potions and provisions. Which would take about a month, if they were lucky. So a plan was made to try and gain more ground. Since most of the levels from the Genesis Ward were already explored before they went into the T-dock, there was no need to retrace the steps from their first visit. And there was so much to uncover!

By the time they had it all mapped out, Essek looked as excited as Caleb felt. It was almost enough to make him forget about his internal turmoil for a while. Not for the first time, Caleb marvelled at how well they worked together, and how much he never wanted this partnership to end. He knew it would have to, eventually. He knew it would crush him when the time came. But for now, he had Essek for himself for a few more weeks, and he was going to make the most of it.

They had a good day this time, covering a lot of ground with just one encounter with a frost salamander, and managing to escape with barely a scratch. Thanks to Essek’s sharp senses, they avoided a surprise attack, and then it was a matter of enough fire and dunamantic magic to end things quickly. They found more official-looking buildings in the Praesidis Ward, and scavenged whatever they could that was not utterly destroyed and held a modicum of information. They were uncovering grounds that have not been studied for a thousand years, and yet Caleb’s usual fascination felt muted. He wanted to forget the day before, to be able to finally put behind his sins, bury them in a damp and dimly lit prison cell, alongside Trent. But they were still there, his ghosts. Dampening his most exciting and happy moments of newfound freedom, trying to drag him back to that dark place he barely escaped before. He still tried to keep up appearances, but he probably wasn’t as good a liar as he was before, because he still caught Essek giving him anxious glances from time to time. The drow even tried a joke or two to keep him smiling, though he mostly just laughed at how unbearably cute Essek was at trying to be funny when he was clearly way out of his depth. Maybe that was on purpose as well.

By the time they decided to call it a day, Caleb was exhausted. He knew they didn’t exert themselves physically any more than they did on their normal days, but he still felt like he tried to accompany Beau on one of her training sessions. It was earlier than they used to end their explorations too, so either Essek felt as tired as he did, or he just suggested it to force Caleb to rest a bit longer. Caleb decided he was too tired to care.

Once inside, they went to their respective rooms to clean up and then go back to the fourth floor for dinner. Caleb arrived first, and when Essek met him there, he looked relieved, like releasing a breath he seemed to be holding. A pang of guilt flashed through him. The night before must have been scary for his friend, and he didn’t even think of checking in with him about it. They exchanged small pleasantries and ate in comfortable silence while Caleb gathered his courage. Might as well let him know now, before they were both blindsided by Caleb’s faulty brain again.

“I owe you an explanation.” He said bluntly, wanting to just rip off the band-aid at once. The sooner he explains, the sooner he can stop talking about it. Essek gave him an inquisitive look, so he expanded “About my… uh, episode . Yesterday.”

“You owe me no such thing. You had a difficult choice to make, as did I. Your past traumas are your own, and there is no debt between us anymore, no favors to pay.” The drow said this primly, back straight and hands folded over the table, right across from Caleb, like they usually sit. The Shadowhand coming back to hide his insecurities. But Caleb knew him better than this by now. He knew that Essek was avoiding his gaze to not look too curious. He knew that fear of being bothersome, of imposing on others. He still had to fight against those fears every now and then.

“You are right, we both had to make difficult choices yesterday. But only one of us made a fool of themselves and needed to be rescued.” Caleb gave a depreciative huff at his own expense before looking back at Essek. “I didn’t realize how much of a scare I must have given you until we came back to the tower. And for that, I am very sorry. I should have been a better friend and host.”

Essek looked like he was about to retort, but for once he seemed at a loss for words. He opened his mouth and closed it again, looking intently at Caleb’s face. He was taking in his serious facial expression. Good. “I frankly do not recall how much of what I said at that moment was aloud. But I’m sure it was enough for you to gather why it was so important for me to bring my parents back.” Essek gave him a terse nod, still intently looking at him. “I, ah, maybe one day I can tell you more details, but-” Gods, where does he even start? His chest felt tight and his eyes threatened to water. There was a lump in his throat, so he tried swallowing around it before continuing. Essek awaited him patiently, and looked back at the table to give Caleb a moment. “But, suffice to say, I am responsible for many terrible deeds. And even though I know I made the right choice in not going back, even with my torturer being held accountable for his sins, they still weigh on me. And they should. But sometimes these memories sneak up on me, and I- well, you know.” He gave a small apologetic shrug at that. 

Two minutes went by where they both contemplated the table before Essek blurted out “Is this why your room is so uncomfortable?” Caleb’s head snapped back at his companion and Essek’s expression mirrored his own surprise. But even as Caleb still recovered from the sudden break in Essek’s usual guarded demeanor, the other just frowned in determination and kept going. “Are you still making yourself pay for your sins? Is this why you do not show yourself the same level of care you show others?”

“It’s… it’s complicated.”

“It really isn’t.”

“What makes you think that my room is uncomfortable? I know it’s not the same level of standards you are used to, but I am more than fine-”

“Caleb.”

He was picking at the end of his scarf in an obvious attempt at avoidance, but apparently Essek was having none of it, by the crossed arms and stern look he was giving. His annoyance at being put on the spot vanished, and Caleb could feel his cheek warming and his shoulders rising up to his ears, looking just like the scolded child he felt he was at the moment. Essek let out a long breath through his lips, and briefly closed his eyes before looking back at him. 

“I do not mean to judge your choice of style. Whatever you feel most comfortable is fine, it does not need to meet my standards .” Caleb must have hit a nerve with that one. “But I really do not think you hold yourself to the same level of care as you do others. And that is unacceptable. I do believe the rest of the Nein would agree with me on this subject.” His voice sounded much more empathetic this time. It did nothing to quell the guilty feeling that was still making itself at home in Caleb’s stomach. He kept silent.

“I don’t know your sins, and I don’t presume to know them. But I am fairly certain that they do not amount to betraying your own kind, offending their religion and sending thousands to their death. So, please, give yourself more credit. A little indulgence will not make you stray from your path. Trust me, I know.” He gave his own depreciative huff at that, and turned pleadingly to Caleb. “If not for your own good, then for your friends. Don’t think I am above telling on you to the others. You know better than I do how well they would take a notice such as this.” He finished with a teasing tone of voice. Caleb, the smitten sorry soul that he is, could never resist smiling back

“You know, if you do tell the others you will have a very hard time explaining to Jester why you know what my private chambers look like in the first place.” 

Essek looked equal parts embarrassed and amused as they laughed at the image Caleb invoked. He missed his friends, he realized, as the memory of Jester sent a pang to his chest. He pushed the thought away for the moment. No need to get into that right now.

After the laugh died down, he gave Essek the most earnest look he could. “I am not good at indulgence, but I’ll try.” Essek seemed satisfied with his answer, for now at least. He let the subject drop and they retired to the library to review their findings and plan for the next day. 

When Caleb went back to his room to sleep, the small army of cats was already waiting for him inside.

Chapter Text

Essek Thelyss never cared much for cats. Actually, no, that’s not entirely it. He never had any reason to think much about cats, or any other animal, really. Aside from the occasional moorbounder as a means of transportation, there wasn’t any need to think about them. And it’s been ages since he needed a moorbounder to travel anywhere. It’s just not that common in Rosohnna. He had no idea it was so different outside of the Dynasty.

It wasn’t until the Mighty Nein showed up with their weasels and beetles and cats that he realized there was such a thing as pets. And a thing they were! It took him no time to notice how much Caleb loved cats and everything related to them. At first he found it quirky. Maybe even a little cute. But the more he got to know this human and his brilliant mind, and the more attached he became to him, the more he grew to love everything he did. Including cats. And who knew they could be such interesting creatures?

He was pretty sure that real cats were not the same as the fey Caleb had, or the spectral ones at his tower, but since he had no real experience to compare, he had to make do. They seemed to like petting at the head and curling up near warm places, and they had very soft fur that made those two first very pleasing to anyone they chose to have around. And they did choose. Very willing creatures, those. 

So it was that, after a brief exposure over the course of a few months, and an intense exposure during the last couple of weeks, Essek began befriending Caleb’s cats. Spectral cats, sure, but still. After that worrying night, he somehow managed a deal with the denizens of Caleb’s tower: whenever Essek was not around to keep an eye on their favorite human, they would. And if they ever found anything unusual or suspicious about Caleb, they would alert him to go help. They didn’t really have any other scares after the first one, but Caleb seemed to act very affected still, even after a week. He seemed constantly distracted and lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t joke around or flirt or laugh as much as he did before. As much as the flirting flustered him, Essek missed that one the most. 

It wasn’t really open flirting. Nothing like the official courting rituals of his people, or the blunt and open way humans seemed to operate (as far as he knew), it was… demure. A spy game, almost. You hold your card close to your chest, but still drop hints here and there to keep the other interested. Essek was no real spy (just a traitor), but he knew the game. Caleb seemed to know it well too, and they enjoyed the very, very subtle banter they kept for a few months now. It made Essek more at ease, even when it flustered him, because it meant that he was a friend, someone Caleb trusted enough to keep around. He knew it also meant other things, things he had not even considered for decades, knew not how to go about anymore, and he was always very frustrated at not knowing things. Those things he tried not to think about. Maybe one day.

But now Caleb stopped all of it and Essek knew that was not a good sign. His friend (and oh how that word still warmed his black, egotistical heart) was still suffering from his traumas and he had no idea how to help. He said Essek did good when he had that episode, which was nice, but he was still new to this whole empathy thing. He felt empathetic, he hurt to see the people he grew to love hurting, great. Now what? What do people usually do in a situation like this? Caleb was still functional, so he could not use the same tactics he did before. His attempts at humor worked a little, but he was running out of repertoire fast. He thought about asking him to open up and tell him what was wrong, but feared pushing too much and setting back their relationship. It was not his place, anyway. He broke their trust once, and had no right to demand anything anymore. He was trying to be patient and let Caleb sort this out on his own, since surely he has done this by himself before, but they were not really in a situation that allowed for distraction and mistakes. How ironic it was, then, that the universe decided for them in the end.

They had been exploring the same area as the last days when they stumbled upon an old laboratory. It was a large and low stacked building, all depth and no height. It would look inconspicuous at a first glance within this neighborhood of big official buildings, were it not for the suspicious lack of windows. Unsurprisingly, it caught their attention. They first traversed a destroyed lounge, pieces of cracked ceiling creating debris all over the floor, walls sporting fissures and holes that they could easily walk through. After that there were the administrative rooms they came to associate with this part of the city. They tried to scavenge for any interesting documents, but those rooms were in even worse shape than the lounge. Curiously, they were also lacking a great deal of parchments. It felt like someone was here before, either when the city fell, or sometime after that, and took anything of interest before them. Sighing for their bad luck, they pressed on. The next set of rooms were the labs per se. There were four of them, two to each side of a corridor that led to a wide room at the end. They poked around the labs to find nothing unusual - unusual for Aeor, that is: rows of glass cylinders filled with some kind of liquid and those monstrous creatures in stasis within. Some of the cylinders were broken and its contents long gone. Some equipment scattered around, rusted or broken or too specific to understand its use. Again, no sign of any kind of documents regarding the work that was done here. Essek found Caleb’s eyes as they surveyed the last lab and found the same frustrated and wary expression reflected on the human’s face. Something was wrong, they could feel it. And yet, there was one last place to look. Silently, they nodded at each other before heading carefully to the last room. After weeks working together in a place that could summon terrible creatures at the faintest sound, they soon learned how to work together without the need for much talk. It felt good, the way they easily fell into tandem. 

Essek went out of the lab first, being the one able to hover silently. His skin felt clammy as his anxiety peaked. He could feel it in his bones: there was something off with this place. But they were here for an expedition, and he knew the risks when he came. His hands itched to cast a lightning bolt at anything that moved, but nothing did. Back in the corridor, everything seemed as calm as before. He looked to the door to his left, the one leading to the last room, to find it ajar. He took a deep breath before slowly peeking through it. His breath caught in his throat at the sight before him. On the other side of the room, taking over the whole back wall, was the most complicated and advanced machinery he had ever laid eyes on. He stood frozen in place, taking it all in until he felt Caleb behind him, placing a hand between his shoulder blades in silent question. Snapping back to reality, he drifted fully inside the room, now that it was clear that there was no threat around. He looked back just in time to catch Caleb’s reaction to the machinery, and was not disappointed to see the look of utter awe on his face. He allowed himself the fond smile that spread on his own face for just a little bit, before turning back to the wonder in front of him.

Two hours later, none of them had the slightest idea of what that machinery was. It was clearly connected to the lab research, but only due to its location. Other than that, it made absolutely no sense to either. It seemed to harness some sort of electrical power through the use of pistons and cylinders similar to the ones on the labs, but those did not seem to be made for storing creatures. There were more tubes coming out of the central part of the device (it was a huge single device, that much they were able to find out) up into the ceiling and disappearing into the ground, to gods knew where. There were many levers at a central panel that none were inclined to risk touching so far. At least not before they knew what they did. Their identification spells showed something inside that mixed Evocation with Abjuration, and that did not bode well. 

“A mixture like that could only be used as a means to defend, don’t you think?” Caleb’s eyes were still losing their unnatural glow from his Identify when he turned to Essek.

“Well, those schools also have access to many spells that could cause harm, so it seems to me a bit early to assume… though it could be used as a failsafe when one surrounds oneself with terrifying creatures, I suppose.” 

“But why this building? And why only here, and not in other places we saw the same cylinders? The creatures we saw in suspension here did not seem so different from any other.”

“It baffles me as well. But not enough to try and press any buttons yet. I feel like those missing documents might explain this, and it was probably the reason they were taken. Maybe this was being kept secret from society?”

“It seems so.” He stared at the machine for a while longer, trying to will it to share its secrets, until he heard Caleb sigh audibly. “Unfortunately, I believe we are pressed for time, my friend. If we delay any longer we could get caught here during the night, and I definitely do not feel safe within these walls.”

The idea of spending the night so close to those laboratories sent a chill down Essek’s spine. “Me neither. Come, let us find a place to rest for the night. We can come back in the morning to investigate further.”

They turned to leave while exchanging theories, going back to the corridor when Essek’s ear twitched at a new noise. 

It was faint, at first, but soon became very clear. Something was coming inside. The creature must have caught their scent, or heard them talking, or it was just having a very lucky day, because before Essek had time to warn Caleb, they both heard its steps speeding up in their direction, followed closely by a loud hiss.

Caleb swore loudly in Zemnian as they took their fighting stance, Essek’s hands already preparing his previous lightning spell to release as soon as the creature came into range. At the other end of the corridor, a large metallic door was crunched and shoved out of the way like it was made of parchment. The nullifier came next, towering over them and taking up space in their only way out. Essek released his bolt immediately, and he felt more than saw Caleb’s signature firebolt being released as well, but they had little to no effect. The nullifier charged at them, successfully clawing at Essek’s arm and pain shot immediately through his system. He screamed and heard Caleb calling out to him, but there was no time to reply, as another set of steps sounded behind the creature. As a second nullifier came to view, the wizards realized they were severely outmatched, and with nowhere to run. Throwing more spells as they retreated to the machinery room, they barely had time to push the door closed (with no small help of Essek’s control of gravity) before a serpentine head slammed it open again. It wasn’t enough for it to push his whole body through, but they knew it was a matter of time. This is it, this is how we die , was all Essek’s frantic brain supplied in his panicked stupor. He stared at the beast trying to enter, frozen in place while nursing his bleeding arm.

“The machine!” Caleb yelled as he ran to the complicated panel, but Essek could not move or reply. His companion must have done something right, though, because soon enough there was an intense buzzing sound coming from behind him, vibrating through the floor and walls. He turned back to Caleb, who was wearing a very self satisfied smirk despite their very dire situation, and almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. The machine came to life, and started to shake centuries of dust from itself as it rattled. At the start of the buzzing sound, the nullifier froze in place for a couple of seconds, but soon started to double its efforts. The door creaked and the metal gave way, opening enough to let a shoulder and an arm join the head that was still hissing at them. The mouths at its torso started to chew at the door, and an enormous arm slashed in their direction again, barely missing Essek, as he was pulled back by the fabric of his coat. The buzzing sound began to climb, its volume and intensity growing so strong that Essek instinctually pinned his ears down and against his head. Caleb cast magic missiles against the creature, and Essek broke out of his panic to do the same. They both hit but it seemed that the sound was damaging more than any spell they cast so far. They retreated further away, Caleb holding tight to Essek’s non-injured arm, but both kept their eyes peeled at the foe ahead. 

The buzzing sound came to a head, and was immediately replaced by an impossibly loud and warbled WOOOOOOOOOM  that spread like a wave from behind them and hit Essek like a wall. He covered his ears and screamed in pain, or at least he thinks he did, because for all the strain in his throat from the effort he still heard nothing over the sound surrounding him. He curled in pain, and then everything turned black.

******

There was a high pitched sound at his ears, and warm hands touching his face. Everything hurt. Essek felt each second of his almost 200 years of life weighing him down, pulling at his eyelids as he fought to open them. With great effort he managed it, and was rewarded with Caleb’s worried face inches away, taking up all of his field of vision. He could see the man was saying something, but he couldn’t hear anything other than the annoying sound. He felt a hand guiding his face back to focus on blue eyes and tried to understand what he was saying, but nothing came through. He must have closed his eyes again, because after a moment there was something cold being pressed against his lips, and he opened them again to see a glass bottle with red liquid sloshing inside as the source of the feeling. A healing potion, his mind supplied from somewhere in the recess of his exhaustion. He opened his mouth to accept it, and saw relief wash over Caleb’s features as he tasted the bitter herbal liquid going down his throat. He immediately felt warmth wash over him, like a very comfortable blanket, the telltale sign the potion was working, and closed his eyes again.

******

The second time Essek woke up, it was to the pressure of a hand over his mouth. Startled, he opened his eyes to see once again Caleb hovering over him, this time using his free hand to signal for silence and then point to the door. Realizing they were still in the machinery room, he stood still to take notice, and saw a claw of something scratch the floor through the gap on the door. They waited in complete tense silence for what felt like an eternity before the creature gave up and another one entirely until Caleb relaxed the hand on his mouth. Essek took this opportunity to sit up and take stock of his situation. The incredibly loud sound was gone, thankfully. The ringing in his ears was dialed back to an annoying but faint background noise. And they were now on the corner of the room that could not be seen through the opening on the door. Caleb must have dragged him while he was unconscious. He looked to the man in question and realized that he had been speaking, but Essek could not understand him over the ringing in his skull. The human looked at him with a mix of worry and frustration. He touched his ears to check on them and his fingers came back with blood. Anxiety shot through his system again.

“Caleb, I think my hearing is impaired. I can’t hear what you said, I-I can’t…”

He felt hands holding on to his arms, commanding his attention back to the wizard sitting in front of him. His touch was always so reassuring and safe, it made Essek immediately concentrate on his breathing until he felt it even out again. Turning back to the other wizard’s face, he tried his best to block out the high pitched sound and focus solely on his voice. He kept his eyes trained on Caleb’s lips, trying to read them as well, even if they were dangerously close to a distraction. It took him a few more minutes, but finally something started to come through.

“... hear me…ow? Ess… say something… can.”

“Yes, I can hear you. Barely, but I can.” The ghost of a laugh escaped him with relief. The damage was not permanent. He was getting his hearing back. 

“What happened to the nullifiers?” Caleb winced at his question, and he realized he probably said it too loud. He was going to have to learn how to gauge his volume again.

“I’m not su… think the machin… flee… ran away.” Well, that was good at least. They were not dead, which was always a good thing, and there was a machine that spooked nullifiers. If only they could learn more about it without trying to kill Essek in the process. One thing at a time. He gingerly stood up, Caleb refusing to let him do it without help, and decided that he was done with that particular building for the day. He opened his mouth to voice this exact thought to Caleb as his hands moved automatically to activate his floating, but nothing happened. He closed his mouth and tried again, looking at his feet to make sure it was not just an imbalance resulting from his pierced eardrums, but nothing again. He couldn’t even feel the comforting sensation of magic curling around his fingers as he made the somatic gestures. He looked at Caleb in alarm, and received a sheepish shrug in return.

“No magic? Caleb, what in the Light happened here?”

Caleb winced again. He was probably going to attract every single creature in this neighborhood shouting like that. There was a sympathetic look in response, a hold up finger asking him to wait, and some shuffling around his bag of holding before the other wizard, heaving a sigh for his precious materials, to take out some parchment and ink to write. Despite his sympathy for Caleb’s mourning over paper (there was always a need for paper), Essek was relieved he didn’t have to piece together truncated messages again. A few moments later, he was handed the message.

“Not sure what happened. Maybe the nullifier? Possibly the machine. I’m without magic too. I don’t think it’s safe to go out before we get it back.”

“Great, just great.” This time the other didn’t wince, so at least he didn’t shout again. “I think it’s best we camp for the night here as well. At least we have the loudest machinery in Exandria to help us if something else approaches.” He saw Caleb’s shoulders shaking a bit from laughter and the mirth on his face helped ease out some of the tension Essek was holding on his own shoulders. Caleb took the paper back and started writing again. 

“I think it best if you slept close by tonight. This way I can alert you if I hear anything.” 

“Yes, I think it’s best this way.”

They produced their barely ever used bedrolls and Caleb put his flushed against the side of Essek’s, a faint blush coloring his cheeks and neck as he sat down and patted at his side for Essek to lie down. Hoping to all deities that Caleb had not caught on his tells yet, Essek gingerly lied where he was pointed. His ears twitching and his face hot as his arm brushed against Caleb’s thigh. He realized Caleb was not lying down yet, and shot him an inquisitive look. To which Caleb simply wrote back “You are more hurt than I am right now. I’ll keep watch while you rest, and then we switch.” Too tired to argue, Essek just nodded and politely turned his back on the human, trying his best to not look as affected as he felt.

*****

He woke up much later than expected. Instead of trancing, as was his usual, Essek decided to sleep, hoping it would help with his recovery. Apparently, Caleb fell asleep before he could wake him to take on watch, because he was currently lying down next to him, back to back. He turned to face the other and that’s when Essek realized what woke him up. Caleb was curled into himself and shaking like a leaf. He was probably mumbling something in his sleep, but Essek’s hearing was still not completely back to normal, and sounds below a certain frequency escaped him. Not that he would understand if he did indeed hear anything, as he was sure the human, like all creatures, reverted to his mother tongue during sleep. Now there was this new conundrum: should he wake his friend and relieve him from his bad dreams? Or is it better to not interfere, and hope that counts as rest just as it would with nicer memories? He was sure they were memories, Caleb was clearly not over his grief in what happened on the T-dock. Not for the first time, he considered reaching out to their friends, asking for help. But he knew Caleb would hate that, so he refrained. 

Unable to watch his friend suffer without any help, the elf decided to try and take another inspiration from what he saw the Nein do whenever one of their own was in distress. Very gingerly, he reached out and placed a hand over the other’s shoulder, his thumb running up and down in a soothing manner, just like he saw Jester do countless times before. It seemed to work, because only a few moments later the trembling stopped, and his breathing calmed down. There was a warm feeling gathering at Essek’s stomach, alongside the pride in himself for doing the right thing. He helped. The cold-hearted, aloof, solitary Shadowhand of Den Thelyss was soothing and his touch welcomed by someone. If only his mother could see him now. He cut off the very undignified snort that threatened to leave his throat at this thought, and decided that they were probably safe enough to let Caleb rest a bit more. He stayed watching Caleb’s back, keeping track of his breathing for a while, letting it soothe him, until the human shifted in his sleep. With a deep sigh, Caleb turned on his back, Essek’s hand still on his shoulder, following his movement, and then his own hand drifted up to hold Essek’s and put it over his chest. Essek stopped breathing entirely, too stunned to do anything but let the other guide his hand. Was that involuntary? Was he dreaming? For a few terrifying heartbeats he thought the other would wake up and see their hands entwined over his chest, but Caleb only tightened his grip once before his whole body relaxed again, back to a deep slumber. 

The drow, on the other hand, could not be more awake. Did Caleb know what he was doing? Maybe he did that with Veth before and thought it was her in his sleep. He knew that the duo used to sleep close to one another, so they were probably used to that. He surely could not be doing that knowing whose hand it was… could he? Even with all their previous history, Caleb always seemed to make sure that he did not cross any boundaries with Essek. And, being the person that he is, he was always equal parts deeply thankful and frustrated by it. This whole touching others business was not something he was used to. He barely knew how to interact with such a tactile group as the Nein. But the more comfortable he became with his friends, and the more aware he became of his own feelings for this wizard next to him, the more he wanted to. Touch and be touched. The very thought made him blush a deep purple. When did that begin, this need to stay close, to feel Caleb’s natural warmth? It was like gravity. He was constantly being pulled into Caleb’s orbit, and the closer he got, the happier he felt. He definitely snorted at his own thoughts this time, though the heat in his cheeks did not wane. 

His hand felt a bit clammy under Caleb’s, but he would rather face another nullifier than move it. He told himself it was because he didn’t want to disturb his friend. Definitely that, and not because it felt so good  to have it trapped in his body heat, to feel his heartbeats and deep breathing under his skin. Yes, definitely the not disturbing part. He looked at his face in profile, and it was probably the least worried he ever saw the other wizard. He looked almost at peace. Not a single worry line creasing his face, there was even a very small smiling tugging at his lips. It must be a good dream he’s having now. He did have nice lips, didn’t he? He wondered what it would feel like to touch it, but immediately cut that  train of thought right off his mind. He tried looking anywhere but Caleb to help calm his own racing heart, but his hand was trapped and there was nowhere to turn. Closing his eyes was a big mistake. Too many images wanting to be conjured once he did it, none of them helping the flutter in his belly. Increasingly flustered, he decided to go back to his basic trancing exercise. Let the thoughts come and go, unchecked. Deep breaths, in regular intervals. Focus on his breathing, not on his warm hand touching a very enticing human lying so close to him… damn it.

This was going to be a very long night.

Chapter Text

For the first time in gods knew how long, Caleb woke up from rather pleasant dreams. It started like most dreams he’s had since the T-dock: his parents calling for him from far away, him running after them but never being able to reach, their voices worried and asking for him before turning into screams, and then the fire. It always ended with the fire. 

This time, though, it didn’t. This time the dream shifted somewhere during his chase, the scene changing and morphing into a dome in a forest, and the voices calling him were happy nearby. He turned to find himself surrounded by friends. He was back at his tiny hut sharing nice memories with the Nein, and then there were dinners in the Xhorhouse and laughs at his tower and violet eyes with a soft voice, and then he woke up with a cold draft coming from the still bent door, and a warm hand on his chest.

Wait.

Startled, his eyes shot open and he quickly looked down to find his own hand covering a dark purple one, resting easily right over his heart. He followed the arm attached to it to find a wide eyed Essek staring back at him, as if caught off guard. 

“Good morning” was all he managed to supply, trying to make his sleepy brain cooperate.

“Ah, good morning.” He was still wide eyed. His ears twitched in the adorable way they always did when he was nervous, as Caleb came to learn after their weeks together. He loved seeing this side of Essek, with enough of his barriers down that he let his expressions show more. Not that Caleb would ever tell the other about this. He knew Essek would only try to hide himself again, mortified for letting go of some of those incredibly harsh social rules of Kryn high society. This was a knowledge Caleb selfishly kept to himself, to quietly feed his impossible feelings.

There was a moment of silence while they stared at each other, neither sure how to proceed. Essek swallowed noticeably and wet his lips, and Caleb was helpless to watch him do it. 

“...you seemed to be having a bad dream, and I remember Veth saying that touching helps. I’m sorry if I overstepped.” After a brief moment of hesitation, Essek pulled his hand away, and the space it left was felt somewhere deep inside Caleb. They were still staring, he realized, and it was becoming increasingly awkward. Clearing his throat, Caleb started to get up and try to find something to do with himself. His hand was still warm with the ghost of Essek’s nimble fingers. He tried not to focus on it too much.

“N-no, not at all. Veth is right, of course. Thank you.” He stole a glance back at the elf after getting up. His movements seemed a bit stiff, but not in a painful way. When he spoke, his voice was low and hoarse from screaming the night before, and his robes were still stained red with his own blood from the injuries that were now healed. All in all, he was his usual self, which was an immense relief. Essek’s reaction to the machine was frightening, to say the least, and the effects it had on him left Caleb seriously worried. 

Speaking of effects, he decided to try out a little experiment to test his friend’s recovery.

“How is your hearing? Can you hear me now?” He asked in his usual tone, while Essek was still focusing on putting the bedroll back into his bag of holding. The ear closest to Caleb perked up seconds before Essek turned to face him.

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

“I asked how is your hearing.” A little louder now, just to be sure.

“Oh. Not as well as it should, as you might have noticed,” he answered with a sad smile. “But improving, I think. The high pitched noise is getting lower, and I can understand all of your speech now, even if only when you speak up.”

“I will try to keep my voice louder whenever it is safe then, old man .” He made sure Essek could see the playful smile he gave with the jab. It worked. Essek’s sad smile turned into a real one as he went back to packing his belongings.

“As you should, young man . Respecting your elders is of utmost importance in every society, I should think.” He shot back primly, not even worrying to glance back. The warm imprint of Essek’s hand over Caleb’s chest spread further. Whether from the smile, the joke, or the choice of words, the human couldn’t tell. Whatever it was, it never failed to make his stomach flutter with something warm and anxious.

“Do you think that whatever it is that blocked our magic before has lost its effect by now?”

The drow stood up to look at his surroundings, as if the room itself might lend a clue, a slight frown on his smooth features. “I’m not sure.”

His smile turned just a little bit mischievous as he turned to Caleb. “Only one way to know for sure”, and his hands quickly made the movements Caleb was now used to associate with his levitation. Nothing happened. They both deflated noticeably.

“We need to get out of here. Whatever is causing this, it must have a spacial limit to its effect.”

“Agreed.”

They did their best to look around and leave the building without encountering any other creature, and for once luck seemed to be at their side. They managed to sneak out and kept going until there was a two block distance before testing again for signs of magic. For their immense relief, it worked. Essek immediately went back to floating and using prestidigitation to clean not only his clothes, but Caleb’s too. He let it happen, always happy to let Essek be himself and become comfortable enough to include Caleb in his little moments of fastidiousness. 

He realized suddenly that he would never let anyone else besides Essek or the Nein treat him this carefully. Anyone else trying to make him feel well taken care of would make him suspicious of hidden agendas, and very much on edge about his own feelings of self worth. Not the Nein, though. They spent months breaking through his walls and trying to make him believe in himself, dear Veth most of all. But he could never discount Jester’s pure radiance, or Fjord’s partnership, or Yasha’s sweetness, or Caduceus’ wisdom, or Beau’s tough love that only a sibling could compare, or Molly’s amazing chaos and levity. 

And then there was Essek. This wonderful, intelligent, awkward, prissy, dangerously powerful, beautiful drow who came to them with all the hidden agendas Caleb feared the most, only to be blindsided by his friend’s affection, just like he was at the beginning. He felt incredibly hurt by knowing of his betrayal, more so than Caleb expected himself to be. He thought he was in control of their dance before. It was only after that night on the bow of the Nein Heroez he realized how affected he became. How much in denial he was of his own dormant feelings and desires. He thought his quiet, passive love for Jester would be enough to protect him from the pull Essek had. He was a fool to think that his heart would ever play by his head’s rules. It never did before. He watched this same amazing elf finish his moment of vanity knowing that he would do anything to keep him safe and happy. He would fight a whole goddamn country if he had to.

But that was for later. Right now they had more pressing matters, like what in all hells happened at that building, and where could they go for answers. He waited for Essek to look back at him to make sure he would hear him properly.

“Do you feel well enough to explore more of this region? I think we should try to understand that machine, or at the very least destroy it to make sure you don’t get injured again.”

“Ah, I don’t think I would be much help in assessing approaching dangers for the moment, but I do feel well enough to investigate. There must be some kind of book or documents somewhere around regarding that awful contraption.” He made a face at the last part, his nose wrinkling in an adorable simulation of disgust that was clearly mostly just annoyance. Caleb knew well the difference by now. The Shadowhand never made adorable expressions in public, only serious, frightening ones. This version beside him now was so far removed from the one he first met they could be entirely different people. Focus, Widogast.

They spent the whole day canvassing the structures around the strange building, looking for any kind of information that would help them understand it a bit better, but came out empty. Keeping a safe distance from what they believed was the limit of the thing’s area of influence (they did learn a bit more about it, testing how close they could get to the building without losing their power - turns out it was a whole block, and it was still going, even almost 24 hours after the activation), they chose a somewhat safe construction to erect the tower and rest for the day. Essek’s hearing improved greatly as the hours passed, but he still complained about a high pitched noise in his head from time to time, so it was best to let him get as much rest as possible to heal. Caleb requested the cats to bring some heartwarming soup from his Zemnian childhood, a dish of root vegetables and pieces of meat that his mother always made when he was sick (and they could afford the meat). Essek seemed to enjoy it well enough. Caleb would never get over how good he felt making his friends happy with small gestures. It was one of the best feelings in the world, one of the few his guilt and self destructive hate never managed to touch. Showing his love through small acts like these was maybe the last pure thing inside him, and he would make sure that Essek got all of it before their time was over. He would make sure that the elf would at least be on a safe path to becoming a better person before they had to part ways again.

Things improved drastically the next day. Essek seemed to have his full hearing back, even allowing Caleb to test it by making all sorts of sounds, from the loudest to the most quiet all around him and asking him to point out the direction and volume. He sneakily said things with his back to the other wizard, trying different distances and asking him to repeat them afterwards. They were mostly silly sentences that made the drow display an incredible array of expressions, from exasperated, to annoyed, to downright flustered at having to say them out loud. His ears twitched several times, and he stammered twice, but his fond smile betrayed the offense he tried to portray when he decided playtime was over. Caleb’s face hurt from smiling so much. He couldn’t remember the last time his heart felt this full without his other friends around.

They went back to their previous search, making a circle around the building with the machine (their marked point zero) and going farther away at each lap they completed. They found several official buildings and books with the most fascinating information, but nothing about the contraption , as they began calling it. Finally, when they were nearly out of the whole sector and losing any hope of getting answers, they stumbled upon a collapsed building with signs suggesting that many people were trapped or crushed during their attempted escape. Most of the remains were long gone, only scraps of armour and a few personal items left to mark that a person succumbed there. They carefully rummaged through the wreckage, first just browsing inside what was left of the structure, then going through the crumbled pieces of construction once Caleb spotted what seemed to be a small pocket beneath a mount, as if someone got trapped instead of crushed in there. Essek removed most of the larger pieces above it with his skilled control over gravity. Something about that always makes Caleb’s whole body tingle, the sheer amount of power the other man handles with such finesse doing things to his imagination that would most certainly haunt his moments alone at night. He was saved from his own thoughts by the very object of his admiration, when Essek excitedly called for him to look closer at what they uncovered.

Beneath the rubble was… something. Probably a person, once, a millenia ago. The little pocket of the crumbled building managed to preserve the remains better than the rest, and they could still see bones and even pieces of fabric and leather. There was a shattered pair of glasses next to pieces of a skull that seemed to have been very finely made. Closer to the end of the pocket there were more bones, finer, smaller ones. A child, most likely. There was a necklace near it made of what looked like gold, but it appeared that the rest of the body was crushed under the other pieces of rock around them. Caleb gingerly took the necklace and spared a moment mourning this child he never knew. He turned back to Essek and the other body before his thoughts spiraled away from him to that dark place they always went. No time for that now.

The other wizard was crouched over the other remains with his back to Caleb, seemingly very focused on something. He went around as cautiously as he could, given the very small space they were in, and saw what caught his attention. Under the pieces of leather were documents, some still in very good condition. Apparently this person was carrying a bag with them during their flight, and these documents were important enough to go with them. He noticed Essek’s perk up at his approach and felt again the relief of seeing his friend back to his usual self. 

“I believe our search is over, my friend. Luck seems to be very much on our side today” he turned to Caleb with a large grin, holding up a page he took from the small pile. There was a little bit of soot stuck on the bridge of his nose that made Caleb want to reach out and remove with his fingers, but refrained. The information was more important. “These reference the contraption as some sort of failsafe, and there are mentions of its parts and function”, he gestured with the document he was holding to the others on the ground as he spoke eagerly, his eyes shining with the excitement of discovery. “We can understand it better now, we can even maybe use it to our own favor onc–”

Suddenly he froze in place, eyes wide. Caleb’s smile froze in place as well, waiting for his reaction. Something was wrong.

“Something’s coming” was all he said in a hushed voice, turning back to gather the papers hastily and shoving them in his bag of holding as fast as possible. Caleb took his position as watch guard, since he was already standing and had a better line of sight. He couldn’t see anything yet, but soon he too could hear it: small sounds of a creature approaching. More than one, if his ears did not betray him. He reached for his components pouch and waited. Essek stood up next to him, hands in position and trying to pinpoint the direction of the sounds. The space they were in did not help it, with wide streets and symmetrical blocks of buildings. The sounds bounced on the old structures and echoed around them. They were too exposed there, but could not know which way was safer to run. Caleb was about to tell Essek to try for a higher ground on the partially collapsed building when he heard growling coming from behind. Not close enough for a physical strike yet, but too close to comfort. Gathering his components, he turned to shoot three rays of fire into the creature, missing one. He vaguely recognized it as one of those terrifying dog-shaped monsters they encountered before, at the same time he heard more sounds coming from the opposite side and felt Essek at his back sending his own spells towards it. They were being surrounded. In his peripheral vision, two more creatures appeared to his right, facing the building he was considering as cover. Four creatures against two wizards were definitely not good odds, no matter how powerful they were. His mind raced through possible options of escape, but he could find none that circumvented facing at least two monsters, or becoming vulnerable to attacks for few but precious moments. He hoped their streak of luck did not abandon them now.

—--------

Things were not looking good anymore. They had managed to kill the bulldog-looking thing and one of the nullifiers (he had a strong suspicion they were the same they managed to escape two days prior, but there was no way of being sure of it) and one of the two creatures still standing seemed to be very hurt, but they were also themselves battered and almost out of spells. There was no easy way to escape still, they were cornered against the crumbled building as the fight progressed. Caleb chanced a look to check in on Essek.

“Any ideas? I’m open to anything right about now.”

“I’m afraid I’m nearing the end of my repertoire. There’s enough for an emergency exit but I’m not sure I’ll have enough time to cast it. If you manage to distract both of them I may be able to teleport us.”

“Do you think it’s wise? This place is not kind to this level of magic.” 

A ray of freezing blue left Essek’s fingers towards the still alive nullifier and he quickly smirked at Caleb. “I never said it was a good idea. It’s the one I have at the moment.”

This damn elf. One of these days they’ll have to do something about this… thing they have. Right now, though, Caleb needed to buy Essek some time. 

“Alright. Get ready then, I’ll get you your time.” Without waiting for any answer he stepped forward to block the other with his body and let Capeleb lose.

—----------

Transforming into any animal is always very freeing for Caleb. He can shed his worries behind, stop overthinking everything, stop worrying about others and just be . He loves the chance to let his instincts take the wheel and run with it for a bit. And becoming a giant beast with incredible speed is great fun in battles, when he can let his anger free to rain over his adversaries. No worries about being squishy, just punch or stomp or bite his way through his problems and done.

In the back of his mind he still knew who he was, he still knew what he needed to do, but they were more of a distant memory now. He had a bone to pick with a nullifier, and a weird-shaped panther with an eye for a tail that rubbed him the wrong way.

The nullifier was not such a tall order, in the end. He was hurt enough to go down with a few good punches. Biting off a good chunk of his neck seemed to help too.

The absorber, however, was still a nuisance. That damned tail kept getting in the way of killing the thing, and its claws were giving Capeleb more damage than desired. Even in his animal mind he could feel the cold grip of fear starting to settle in his bones. He might not be enough to kill this one, but it was fine, the small part of his brain that was still human supplied. He just needed enough to let Essek cast. 

Twice now the elf tried but was interrupted by the annoying nullifier before it died. He hoped that now he could keep the absorber at bay long enough. He threw himself against the panther-like creature one more time. They both look much worse for wear after, but Caleb had to push back and keep some distance to breathe. He was bleeding profusely from several places and knew he would not last as an ape for much longer, but there wasn’t any other option. His human brain, now filled with dread, tried to take the front seat and think strategically, but there was no time. The absorber jumped at him again, managing a sound bite at his torso. There was a sound behind him, someone shouting, but he couldn’t hear what it was. His mind was filled with pain as the panther-thing shook him and threw him aside, keeping a good chunk of his own meat between its teeth. He heard the voice again, but suddenly there was only numbness and cold creeping in. Some distant part of him tried to rebel against it, but there was no strength left.

And then there was only darkness.

Chapter Text

It all happened too fast. Caleb called out for ideas, he gave one that he knew was dangerous but it was all he had at the moment. Then suddenly a giant orange ape appeared where his favorite wizard should be, and Capeleb went straight to the fight, trying to keep two beasts focused on him while Essek decided which option was best. He could try to create a teleportation circle, but that would take too long. Or he could just teleport. But that would take a level of magic that they always tried to avoid, especially during battle. Magic in Aeor is always tricky, and the effects of higher levels could do more harm than good to risk it in life or death situations. He decided to try for the teleportation circle first. Maybe he could squeeze one minute uninterrupted while Capeleb tore through the nullifier. But the creature managed to dispel that during the few seconds his ape friend paid attention to the absorber, and that left him with no other choice than to risk his seventh-level teleport.

But then the snake-headed monster managed a swipe at him that left him disoriented for far too many seconds, and when he managed to focus again all hell had broken loose. The nullifier was gone, but the large orange ape was badly injured and still fighting against the panther-like absorber, and it was not looking good. He tried to find a way to get there and teleport with Caleb without taking damage, and while his mind desperately tried to find a way, he watched in full horror as the ape was brought down, and the wizard came back up. The absorber must have worn through all of the life energy the spell had, and it fizzled out. What was even more horrifying was realizing that Caleb was not backing up. He kept facing the creature as if he was still big enough to fight it. Essek desperately tried to warn him, to call him back, anything , but he was too late.

The absorber took a large bite to Caleb’s torso, shook him like a rag doll and threw him aside while focusing again on Essek. It still had parts of Caleb’s beloved coat, as well as flesh and blood, so much blood, between its teeth, and it was coming at him with the ease of a predator that knew it was a matter of time before it could feast on its prey. Essek didn’t care. He was screaming for Caleb, desperate to see any sign of life on the slumped form on the ground and finding nothing to reassure him. Seething with rage, he turned back to the panther-creature. Fuck Aeor and it’s weird magic laws. He immediately turned to cast, not on the creature, but directly above it, now that it was right beside the half collapsed building. A large sphere of sparkling purple appeared, pulling the absorber to it, and a large portion of the building as well, crunching both as much as possible before disappearing. He knew that even casting at a higher level would not be enough to kill it, but it felt incredibly satisfying to hear the sounds of bone crushing, and the large blocks of construction creating a mount above it. Dead or not, it was not a problem for a little while.

Now that his anger subsided a little, panic came rushing back, and the fey stepped all the way to Caleb, kneeling beside the man. He was laying on his side, hairs covering half his face, away from Essek. He was too afraid to see the damage, but there was no time for that. He gingerly turned the other on his back, and gasped aloud immediately. On Caleb’s left side, right in the middle of his torso, there were rows of deep gashes, turning his clothes and skin to ribbons. He could see white spots where the bones of his ribs were exposed, and everything else was a pool of deep red blood. Essek fought the strong wave of nausea that hit him at the sight, taking several deep breaths as he did his best to pull the coat over it, trying to use it as a makeshift tourniquet, and it was only then he noticed the lack of movement on Caleb’s chest. Caleb was not breathing. 

“No. No, Caleb, please. No no no no…”

He reached his trembling fingers to his friend’s neck, needing three attempts before his shaking limbs and his own breathing cooperated. His vision was blurred by tears flowing freely down his face now, but he didn’t care. There was no pulse. Caleb was dead, and no amount of healing potion or spell at his reach could bring him back. He must have screamed, because he could feel his throat straining from the force, but he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his own blood rushing to his head and the stream of he’sdeadhe’sdeadhe’sdeadhe’sdeadhe’sdeadhe’sdead going through his mind. Nothing else mattered anymore.

After what felt like forever, his hearing came back, to the sounds of rubble moving. He realized he was doubled over Caleb, his face a mess of tears as he straightened up instinctually to look at the source of the sound. The absorber must still be alive, and trying to get out. Right. There was still danger around. For a faint few seconds he considered just letting it happen, let the absorber take him as well, but before grief took over he remembered they still had friends. Cleric friends, who had brought people from the dead before. He was not sure exactly how it works, he never really paid much attention to religion in Rosohna and trying to understand Jester’s or even Caduceus’ logic was mind boggling so he mostly was just glad they did what they did. And they had brought Caleb to life before, back in the city of flesh, during those horrifying moments that Essek would never be able to get out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. They still had a chance, he could still have him back.

More sounds of blocks being moved, and a high pitched whine of a hurt creature below. Essek crouched over Caleb, bringing his limp body against his own, gently cradling his head over his shoulder, wearing Caleb like a blanket, holding tight to his body. The absorber started to claw its way out from under the crumbled building, just in time to catch a glimpse of Essek’s burning glare before they finally teleported away, to the one safe place he could think of.

—--------

In a flash, biting cold and subdued lights were replaced by stifling warm and glaring sunlight, momentarily blinding Essek. He flinched and closed his eyes for a second, still holding tight to Caleb’s body until he could see again. Butterflies were scattered around a familiar round room, trying to get out but unable to find windows. The sound of small but hastened steps coming up the stairs caught his attention and Essek instinctually raised his hand to cast, but stopped when he recognized the well dressed goblin gentleman he was introduced to months prior. Wensforth, that’s the name, he recalled.

The goblin just took in the scene in front of him, stopped in his tracks and announced “I’m going to call Master, just a moment” as he immediately turned and rushed down the stairs. Even though he understood very little of cleric magic, Essek was sure he was running out of time, and took this opportunity to message his friend.

“Jester, it’s Essek. Please, we need your help. Caleb is…” he choked on a sob, incapable of saying the words out loud. “Please tell me you’re in Nicodranas.” The tears were still flowing, and for once he couldn't care less how he appeared to others. The response was immediate.

“ESSEK! WHAT HAPPENED? We’ve been here for a few days now, we’re at my momma! Where are you?? What happened to Caleb??”

He was still focusing on Jester’s frantic reply when Wensforth appeared again, carrying at least three potions of healing, right behind the slim figure of Yussa. They stood at the top of the stairs while Yussa took in the situation. His usual calm demeanor was perturbed by a frown of worry and his mouth slightly open, as if to ask something. Essek gave him no time for it. As soon as Jester’s message was done, he looked up at the other mage.

“We need your help. We must get to the Lavish Chateau instantly, and I cannot teleport again.” He looked deep into the eyes of the other elf who he met briefly only once before, who had no reason to trust him but still let him know the sigil to his tower at Caleb’s request, and begged with all the intensity he still had in himself. “Please. We have no time.”

Yussa seemed to acquiesce at that, and briefly turned back to the goblin, who was still unsure of what to do. “It seems we’re a bit late for those potions, Wensforth. Please return them to their place.” Taking a last worried look at Caleb, Wensforth turned back down the stairs, while Yussa entered the room and settled in front of the circle. Essek had barely moved since arriving.

“I’ll gladly help the Mighty Nein whenever they need me. I hope Jester can bring him back.”

He began the somatics needed to teleport, and the drow managed to whisper a “thank you” before closing his eyes, focusing on the magic around them. The last thing he heard before the spell worked was Yussa’s light “good luck”.

—--------

When he opens his eyes again, they’re in a darker, larger room, full of tables and chairs that are momentarily turned up on the tables, with a stage and a bar and beautiful stairs coming down at the end of the room, near the stage. His limbs are complaining from the time he spent crouching, and Caleb’s body is starting to be too much weight for his thin arms, but he grits his teeth and holds tight. He’s trying to figure out if he should call out for Jester when he hears footsteps clambering down the steps, and his heart sings at the blurred sight of a blue tiefling running down the steps, followed close by a stern looking half-orc and a very confused lavender tiefling. His friends.

They seemed to be arguing about something. Jester with her pink backpack on her while she hurriedly yells at Fjord that Essek and Caleb were in danger and she was going after them, while Fjord is trying to reason with her that she didn’t even know where to go and Kingsley asks almost bored “who are we killing again?” when they reach the first floor. Essek has to call out her name to be seen amongst the tables, and the three of them stop midtrack for a second before they rush to him. 

“OMYGOSH ESSEK HOW DID YOU GET HERE?! I was going after you guys!” She yells as she grabs at them to look for wounds and freezes when Essek lets her turn Caleb away from his own body. “Oh. Oh, Caleb. Oh no.”

“I… tried to get here as soon as possible. We were surrounded and… please Jester, I know you and Caduceus brought him back before.” Essek knows he looks and sounds like a wreck. The tears that seemed to stop flowing when arriving at Yussa came back, the overwhelming feelings of seeing his friends and trying to explain what happened, having to watch their expressions turn somber and hurt too much for him. 

“Essek, that… we can only do that if the death occurred before one minute is up. It's been more than that since your message alone. I… I can’t perform revivify now.”

Jester is openly weeping now too. Caleb’s body is cold and unmoving in front of Essek, laid back on the ground when they came over to examine. Fjord is kneeling next to Jester, a hand on her shoulder as he stares at his dead friend. Kingsley is still standing, trying to hide a few tears that escaped and refusing to look at them. Essek just feels numb all over. The coat he tried to use to stop the bleeding was now all red and stuck to Caleb’s side, protecting his friends from the ghastly view of his wounds. At least he could do that much for them. Barely a minute into their mourning silence, Jester’s eyebrows knit together and she pouts in the way Essek has come to learn means she’s not giving up yet. 

“There’s– there’s this spell that Artie taught me a few months back, when we were still being attacked like every other day in the sea because of Uk’otoa…” 

“ Uk’otoa ” Kingsley whispers, probably as a reflex by now, and instantly looks back at them wide-eyed for the joke at such a bad time. But it brings a small smile to Jester’s lips (and Fjord’s too, as much as he tries to hide it), so he visibly relaxes and smiles back at her. Essek would probably smile too, but he’s too caught up in the slim chance Jester seems to be bringing up.

“And, well, this one would bring back someone who died over more than a minute. But it’s a big spell, and one I’ve never tried before so I don’t know if it will work!” She adds hastily, seeing the expression in Essek’s face morph into one of hope. 

“I believe in you, Jester. He does too, always.” He touches Caleb’s shoulder lightly, like he was just asleep and Essek was afraid to wake him. He wanted nothing more than seeing those blue eyes staring back at him again. “Could you at least try it? I will help in any way I can, just… he can’t stay like this. He can’t .”

The blue tiefling, this amazing woman who managed to sneak past all his defenses even before Caleb brought them all down, this incredibly talented cleric and mischief who became one of his closest friends, even despite his own resistance, looked at him with tears on her face and a fierce expression that brought back a little warmth to his battered body and crushed heart. Even now, even without touching him, she always managed to make Essek smile. She was truly a force of nature.

“He won’t, Essek. I won’t let him. He’s not allowed to die before he’s a very old and wrinkled man. We’ll make sure he comes back to promise that to all of us.”

She reaches out over Caleb’s body to grab Essek’s hand, and he gladly takes it. Relief is finally starting to wash over him, and he can feel his body complaining again about all the injuries and cramps from the uncomfortable position he still is. He ignores it a little longer, not wanting to leave Caleb’s side just yet.

“I just don’t have it ready today, but don’t worry, okay? We can definitely do this tomorrow and it won’t change a thing, I promise. Artie will take good care of him until then, right Artie?”

She looks to her shoulder, where a weasel is tucked below her hair and under the hood of her cloak. Sprinkles pushes his head forward and Essek is genuinely startled at how healthy he looks. He’s even a bit chubby now, maybe Jester finally learned how to properly feed him? While he puzzles at it, Sprinkles turns to Jester’s ear and seems to whisper something to her, which is a very weird image even if he knows her archfey “definetely-not-a-god” friend is the one controlling the weasel. Apparently he seemed to be saying all the right things, because once he scurries back to his hiding place Jester beams at Essek and announces with all the confidence in the world.

“He said he will totally take care of Caleb and make sure his body is safe until tomorrow. See? We’ll get him back, Essek, I promise.”

Essek allows his smile to grow a little, putting all his trust, all his hope on his friend. He knows that if anyone can do the impossible, it’s her.

—---------------

Between the three of them, Jester, Fjord and Kingsley manage to take Caleb’s body up to one of the rooms on the second floor and convince Essek to tend to his own wounds, and rest for a bit. They give him the room next to Caleb’s, insisting that sleeping next to a corpse would maybe not be so good to him, but Essek is still loath to leave Caleb alone. He spends some time soaking his sore limbs in a hot bath, but feels guilty to be doing that when his friend is dead in the next room. He tries to read, but his mind keeps going back to the battle, replaying it over and over in his head, trying to see what he could have done better, what could have avoided this outcome. He should have used his higher spell first, caution be damned. His friends try to make him eat, but his stomach is in knots over his guilt and sorrow. He goes back to the room assigned to him and curls up at one of the comfortable armchairs available there, staring at the wall he shares with Caleb’s room, imagining the still body of his beautiful wizard growing colder by the minute over the bed. He managed to stop crying when Jester told him about the new spell, but he still feels numb. 

At some point there’s a knock at his door, and he simply replies “come in” without even looking. He’s still hugging his legs and resting his face over his knees while he stares holes at the wall, trying to make himself as small as he feels. He doesn’t bother to look as he hears the door opening and light footsteps entering the room. It could only be one of the three people he knows here, and he’s too tired to pretend he’s ok.

“You know, when he told me he wanted to go back to that hell hole, I told him this would happen. And he did it anyway.”

The still slightly shrill voice, cracked and rough from crying, gave him a start, and the drow stared wide eyed as Veth crossed the room to him. The hafling looked as if someone had just carved her heart out of her. They probably did. He did. She was looking at the same wall as Essek had been staring, and turned back to look him in the eyes with an intensity he had rarely seen before. He was used to her glaring at him, but this was different. This was beyond glaring. She was staring at him like she could see his very soul. He stood frozen in place, terrified of the only other person in the entirety of this planet who loved Caleb as fiercely as Essek. And he failed her. 

“You were supposed to keep him safe. You were supposed to be the best in time magic. How the fuck did you let this happen?? How is it him lying there and not you?? Tell me, Essek, how did you manage to let my boy get killed after he survived so much?”

She’s trembling with anger and loss all over and he wants desperately to apologise, to say anything, but there’s a lump on his throat and he can’t get the words out. She’s still staring daggers at him as he opens his mouth to say something but closes again when nothing comes out. He tries again, and again. He slowly slides down from the armchair to sit on his heels in front of her, bringing their bodies to a closer height. It didn’t seem right to let her stare up at him like that. He knows she’s still staring but he can’t make himself look back at her now. He looks down at his hands over his knees and realizes he’s trembling too. Taking a deep breath, he finally manages to get words out.

“Veth, I… I tried, but I was not strong enough. It’s my fault, I should have done better, I sho–”

He hears more than feels the slap across his face, the sound reverberating through the room. With his face now turned to the foot of the bed, he can feel the imprint of her hand starting to sting on his cheek.

“You’re damn right it’s your fault!!! You should have done better! He was a fool to trust in you, and I was a fool to let him!”

She’s shouting at the top of her voice now, but neither of them care. He knows she’s right, and has no defense for it so he just hangs his head back down and lets her say her piece. She has every right to lash out at him.

“I knew he would be better off with Astrid, but nobody listens to me. She would never let him get killed like that!”

Essek has no idea why Veth fixates so much on the volstrucker, or why she is bringing her up right now, but he keeps his head down and his mouth shut. She huffs for a bit, but seems to lose some of the anger at his lack of resistance.

“You’re just going to sit there and not say anything?”

“I don’t really have anything of worth to say, Veth. Nothing I do would bring him back or undo my mistakes.” He sighs heavily. “You are probably right in all your accounts. I will take whatever punishment you see fit, if it will help you in any way.”

She huffs again, louder. “You can’t even be a proper bag guy when I need one!”

There’s a bit of a shuffle and her feet, that he can see through the edge of his vision, disappear to his right. He peeks up to see her slumped on the carpeted floor, her back to the foot of the bed, looking even more dejected than she seemed when she first entered the room.

“He was always a stubborn one, always.” Her voice has less anger now, more sadness. “I only wanted him to be happy, to be safe. But he was too smitten with you to see reason.”

That made him snap right back at her. Surely she was exaggerating.

“Veth, I know we have rarely seen eye to eye on things. And I know you have never really trusted me. And rightfully so. I did terrible things and broke your trust once. I still have much to do to repent and try to be better. But trust me when I tell you that there is nothing I want more than to see Caleb restored to life, and happy. It was… selfish of me to accept this journey to Aeor, I see it now. I am not yet the good person I aspire to become, and it made everything worse.” 

He looks back to his left, to the wall that keeps him apart from the human he longs to see again, to hear and touch again. He knows he shouldn’t, knows he’s not good for him. 

“I will end our collaboration once he is… restored. Make sure he won’t venture alone into Aeor. And then keep my distance, for his safety. I know it doesn’t undo the damage that was done, but perhaps it will be enough to avoid more.”

“Wait… 'collaboration'? You mean… Essek, does collaboration mean anything different in your fancy culture? Or is it a wizard-thing? Because you know, as a wizard myself, I should know about these things.”

When he turns back to Veth she’s squinting at him weirdly, and once again he feels like he’s missing something from this conversation. 

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean. We are friends working together on research and projecting new spells. As partners. I don’t think it bears any other meaning in Xhorhasian culture than in the rest of Wildemount, as far as I can tell.” Now they’re both squinting at each other. Why is it always so hard to communicate when it comes to the hafling woman?

“Wait. You mean to tell me that the two of you spent nearly two months over at Aeor and haven’t gotten down and dirty yet???”

Essek can feel his ears twitching wildly by now. His face and neck are so flushed he would probably be a shade darker than his usual plum. He desperately hopes the darkness in the room - for he never bothered to light any candle when night came - is protecting him from the embarrassment of being caught blushing in front of Veth.

“W-why would we—he’s—we, we are friends, Veth!”

“ESSEK! You two have been making heart eyes to each other for over a year now! I can’t BELIEVE you spent two whole months alone and neither of you made a move yet!! Not even a kiss???"

“Of course not! And I'll have you know I have most certainly never made such a thing as a heart eye ever in my life!” 

He knows that reverting back to his most primly self is a flimsy attempt at averting the topic, at best, but he is tired and hurting and definitely not in the mood to discuss his love life right now. So he makes his best attempt at huffing at this supposed indignity and prays to whichever deity is listening that Veth will latch onto that and drop the subject entirely.

“Right, and I never killed a baby manticore before.” She rolls her eyes at him. He squints at the whole ‘baby manticore’ part but now is not the best time to ask. Maybe later.

“I swear, you two are the dumbest smart people I’ve ever met in my entire life. We all know you like each other for months now. Fuck, we even have a bet going for how long it would take, and we are all losing it because you can’t even admit it out loud!”

She’s been full on screeching out loud, which only makes Essek shrink back into himself with embarrassment even more. They all know??? They have a bet over him and Caleb?? He’s too stunned to say anything, so he doesn’t. Some time passes between them in silence, each left to their own thoughts, while they calm down.

Then Veth sighs heavily next to him, the kind of sigh only a tired mother can make, the one that conveys all the weariness and love in the world in one puff of breath.

“Look. Jester told me a few of the details for the spell tomorrow. She says that we must compel his soul back into his body. Remind him why he needs to come back. You can’t hold back tomorrow. You have to show him. Make him remember that we need him here, with us. He might not listen if we’re not convincing enough.”

“I will do my best. I promise.” He looks sideways at her form against the bed, at this person that Caleb loves so much. The both of them have gone through some of the worst parts of their lives together, keeping each other safe and sane. Caleb told him many stories of what they went through, before they met the rest of the Nein. He has grown to respect Veth more than she will ever know. Maybe she should. He decides that she deserves to see more than just the front he usually puts around people, or the overwhelmed reserved person he is around the Nein most of the time. Might as well at least try to explain to her why her bet is not going to be won by anyone.

“I just… I can’t say some things. Just for now. I still have to do much to– to deserve him yet. I’m not good enough.” He can’t look at her while saying this, so he wraps his arms around his knees again and almost whispers the words straight to the floor. He’ll probably never be good enough for Caleb, and she’s the only person who could ever understand it.

She stands up again, and puts a hand over his shoulder. Gentle this time. Forgiving. 

“You don’t have to… you know, say it with all the words if you’re not there yet. But you have to let him know, Essek. He deserves to know.”

She turns around and starts making her way to the door but pauses midway to say over her shoulder “You know, you’re not my favorite option for him, but you’re not as bad as you think you are. As long as you keep trying to deserve him, I think I can accept Caleb’s poor choices in partners . Probably.”

The tone she uses for ‘partners’ is heavy with sarcasm, as is the smirk she wears before turning back to the door, but her tone for the rest of the sentence is anything but. Essek can’t help but smile a little at earning Veth’s respect and… blessing? He isn’t sure exactly if that’s what it was, but he’ll gladly take it. 

He is still in the same position on the floor a couple of minutes later, staring at the strip of light coming from the corridor through the slightly open door Veth left behind when he hears some whispers outside, followed by Jester’s loud “THEY HAVEN’T EVEN KISSED YET??” and at least two people shushing her. Two people who sounded suspiciously like Fjord and Kingsley. Oh gods.

He buries his face on his knees and tries to decide if he should be cursing or thanking his friends. Probably both.

Chapter Text

The rest of the night was spent pacing back and forth in his room thinking of what to do for the ritual, and when Essek finally grew too tired to stay awake, his trancing was a horrible mix of images of Caleb’s death and a spiral of self-loathing. Still, after what felt like days, his mind managed to latch onto his conversation with Veth, and he somehow managed to rest enough to regain his energy for the next day. He still felt like shit, but at least he had his magic back.

He still woke up many hours before anyone else, as always, so he waited to hear sounds of others moving outside. Once it was late enough in the morning that the others would also be awake, Essek anxiously went down to the first floor to meet his friends and see how fast he could get this ritual going. He found the four of them sitting around one of the tables, Veth’s family strangely not present (did she spend the night at the Chateau?). Other employees of the place were eating at separate tables. Marion was also not present. Come to think of it, Essek couldn’t remember seeing her since he got here yesterday.

Kingsley was the first to spot him coming down the stairs, being the one sitting on the chair that was facing it. He cheerfully waved at him to come sit with them, as if nothing was wrong in the world. Essek knew that Kingsley was a weird sort, even for Mighty Nein standards, but his cheerfulness still grated at him. The others at least seemed to match his own somber humor a bit more. He sat down with them, and was promptly forced to eat something. Jester kept putting things on a plate in front of him as Fjord tried to reason that he would not have enough strength to help bring Caleb back if he starved himself. He managed to eat at least portions of it, enough to satisfy the couple that was harassing him and finally bring the subject that matters most to the table.

“Jester, I do not mean to sound ungrateful for all of your help so far, but do you know when would it be possible to start this ritual?”

“Yeah, Jessie, not that I don’t love you, but now that hot boi is finally here, can we get to it? I want to sleep with my family tonight, but I won’t do it until Lebbie is back.”

Essek might not know where he stood with Veth just yet (she was still not looking or speaking directly at him since he came downstairs), but it still brought him some joy to know that there was someone else on his corner when it came to that specific wizard. Not that Essek would ever doubt the love the Nein had for Caleb. They loved him like family, and he loved them back just as much. He knew they would do anything for him; he saw it happen already. But there were times where he felt like Veth was the only one who could ever understand how deep his own dedication went. It was probably a very vain and selfish feeling to have, but one he still had some ways to go before shedding. 

“Yes, yes, of course! I just wanted to get everyone rested and fed before, you know… It’s going to be a bit of a hard moment, you know, so I didn’t want you guys to go in feeling too bad…” Jester shifted uncomfortably in her chair, her usual flair subdued and turning sadder by the second. Fjord, sitting beside her, put his hand on her shoulder with a mix of love and sorrow on his face before turning back to the table.

“From what I understand, this is going to take at least one hour and we’ll have to bring some sort of offering to summon his soul back. Three should be enough, so I’m guessing that Veth and Essek will participate, yes?”

Veth immediately nodded vigorously, but after a beat they started to note Essek’s hesitation. He was so sure of it yesterday, but now, looking at this table and seeing Caleb’s family, he started to doubt his place in this setting. They seemed to have forgiven him, and even welcomed him as one of their own, but he still wasn’t as close to them as they were to each other. Was it right of him to take the place for one of them?

“I’m not s–” he started to ask if it was his place to do it, but Veth’s voice cut through it.

“Yes, we’re both participating.” She said with a tone of finality, and sent Essek a hard look, daring him to contradict her. He shut his mouth and nodded. He promised her he would do anything he could, and if that was what she wanted, then he would comply.

A tense feeling caught the table for a beat, before Fjord cleared his throat and moved on like nothing happened.

“Great, so that leaves one more offering. Anyone here wants to volunteer?”

They all looked at each other, waiting for the first to move. Kingsley just shrugged and said “I don’t think it should be me. As hot as the magic man is, I don’t think I would be as compelling as any of you here. You know him longer.”

“Jessie?” Fjord looked at a very distressed Jester like she would burst into tears at any sudden movement. Which, to Essek, seemed to be the case. He pressed a bit further when she hesitated.

“Look, I can do it if you want. I want him back as much as anyone here, and not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been known to be quite convincing at times.” That managed to get a smile out of her, which was likely his intention in the first place. “But if you want to do it, then I’ll step back just fine. Whatever you want is a-okay by me.”

“I, I’m not sure I’m the best choice, Fjord. I mean, the ritual is already so new and I don’t want to screw up, you know? I want to help, but I dunno…”

She was still fidgeting and sniffling a bit, and it finally hit Essek that she was scared. Jester is so good at being the one giving support to others and keeping everyone happy that it was easy to forget that she, too, was going through a lot. Not only did she lose a dear friend, but she was also the one they were all counting on to bring him back, with a spell she never performed before. No wonder she was insecure; he would be too.

“We already have two people for it, maybe we can leave the third one to be decided? Or is it something that must be woven into the spell prior to its application?” Essek looked at Jester for answers, trying his best to show her some sympathy. He was not very practiced at that, so he wasn’t sure it was noted. Still, she came out of her shell a bit, more secure in the answer this time.

“No, the spell works even if we decide it at the moment. It just needs the offerings.”

“Ok, so we let the third one be a surprise.” Fjord said loud enough for the whole table, but he was looking directly at Jester. Good, he had his priorities straight. “Now, for components and shit like that, do we need anything special? Are we going to need to buy something or it’s all good to go?”

“We need a diamond, but I have one already. We can go now if you guys want.” She was looking less fragile, but it was still clear she needed a few minutes to get back to herself. So they all agreed on waiting another hour before reuniting in Caleb’s room, with the excuse of needing some time to do something or another so the real reason for the wait was not too obvious. 

The longer Essek spent in his room, however, the more insecure he felt. Was it really his place to even be there? Maybe Veth got it all wrong, and Caleb didn’t even think of him the same way he did. Sure, there was the mild flirting and the looks, but he surely saw the same looks directed at Jester a few times. And the flirting could be just his way of teasing Essek. They did start it all as potential enemies, and trying to keep the other close was always the best option when trying to discern the intentions of a possible target. He was sure that mild flirting was something Caleb did quite frequently before, during his training as an empire spy and it came naturally to him by now. And the touching… Well, he was very liberal with his physical affection with everyone around him. The drow also had a suspicion that there was a story behind those forehead kisses that did not start with him. What if, by showing his own feelings, Essek just pushed Caleb away? He was, after all, a traitor and a deceiver, and Caleb might feel used. Again. 

His spiraling thoughts were cut short by a knock on his door that was immediately opened without waiting for a reply. A lavender tiefling head appeared through it, smiling when its red eyes found Essek.

“Ah, there you are! Time’s up, we’re all going to Caleb’s now. You coming?”

“Ah, yes, I’ll be right there.” 

He must not be as convincing as he tried to, though, because instead of just going away Kingsley frowned and entered the room fully. He could not remember the last time - if ever - he talked alone with Kingsley, which only made him become stiff with anxious feelings. The tiefling just huffed a small, quiet laugh and came closer, though not close enough to enter Essek’s personal space, for which he was very grateful.

“Look, I know you and I don’t really talk, and maybe I’m out of place for saying this, but you seem like you really need someone to push you out of your pity party, so I’ll be the villain if I have to. You’re too much in your own head, hot boi. You need to actually take your head out of your ass if you want to see the world from the perspective of others.”

Whatever it was that Essek expected from this talk, that was not it. His words were hard, but he still wore the smile and very relaxed demeanor he always did, which only made things more confusing. Essek was too stunned to say anything in his defense, which Kingsley took as an invitation to continue, so he did.

“I’m aware that you made some terrible choices in the past, and that you still feel like you need to punish yourself for it and honestly, who am I to yuck someone’s yum, you know what I’m sayin’?” Essek had no idea what he was saying but still said nothing. Kingsley winked at him and kept going. 

“So whatever it is that’s swirling in that pretty head of yours, I suggest you put it down for later. Because right now one of us is dead and waiting in the other room, and we all believe you need to be there to bring him back. You can do your masochist scene later, when Caleb is back to actually enjoy the show. But first you need to call him back with whatever means you have.”

He stepped away with the same grace he entered the room, and Essek started to sigh in relief after the verbal onslaught when Kingsley abruptly stopped on his tracks to look back at the drow.

“And, just so we’re clear, no one here cares about your past sins. Not anymore, anyway. They may judge you for what you do from here on forward, but we all have enough dirt in our past to know not to keep it over another’s head. What matters is what you do with the time you are given with your loved ones, and trust me when I tell you, it goes faster than you think. Just try to enjoy the present more, ok?” The man actually patted Essek’s cheek twice, very lightly, still smiling softly and short-circuiting whatever was left of Essek’s brain for the moment. He left the room calling out “We’re waiting for you!” cheerily, leaving Essek to parse through his words and come back to his body for a few minutes.

—------------------

When he finally entered the room, Essek realized he dreaded going in there as much as he wanted to be there. Jester was sitting on a chair next to the bed, Fjord standing right behind her, both hands reassuring on her shoulders. Veth was sulking on the other side of the bed, and Kingsley was leaning against a wall, looking serious for once. And, in the middle of it all, was Caleb. Well, his body. Lying down in the bed as if asleep, except he looked even more dead than he did the day before. His skin was more ashen and his hair lost it’s usual shine. He slowly made his way to the foot of the bed, unsure of where to stand or what to do. That seemed to satisfy everyone, though, because once he stood there Jester started to work on her somatics. She put the diamond over Caleb’s chest and called out for The Traveler to help them.

Surprisingly, the archfey appeared in earnest this time, instead of just whispering to his protegé through his weasel persona. He stood by her side and went through the motions with her, until all the lights in the room seemed to dim around them. Artagan looked up to the ceiling and they all followed his gaze to see a swirl of green magic gather there. Looking back down, he searched the faces of those present to ask “It’s time to offer your requests for his soul. Who would like to start?”

Veth just said “I will”, and grabbed Caleb’s hand. She was already holding back tears as she put a small toy on the bed and started.

“Lebbie, I know it must be nice there, wherever you are. I know you wanted to see your parents again, and it must seem like you’re so close now. And I want you to see them again, so much. You deserve to see them again. But I’m sorry to say, it’s not your time yet. We had plans, remember? You still have much to teach me, and Luc and all those kids at the summer camp that we’re going to start soon. You still have so much to live, so much joy to experience. You most definitely can’t die before you at least become an old man, and I can assure you that your parents would want the same for you.” She pauses to sniff a bit and clear away the tears on her face before adding. “And yeah, I know it’s a low blow but I’m a mother too and I don’t give a fuck. You come back right now, you hear me? I won’t have you dying on me like that. I love you.”

She gives the hand she’s holding a fierce kiss, and the green swirl above them becomes brighter. Artagan smiles and looks around again. “That was very good. Who’s next?”

Essek is trying to gather his courage to come forward, but his feet are stuck to the ground and his mouth is very dry. He desperately looks around for reassurance, and when he locks eyes with Jester she gives him a smile before taking a deep breath and standing up. Essek has lost count of how much he owes her and her amazing heart, and makes a silent promise to try harder to earn it from now on. 

She takes out a small wooden figurine of a cat (that has a suspiciously phallic shape from afar), and puts it in Caleb’s hand, where she rests her own hand to speak to him.

“Hey Cayyleb. I know you are probably super rested right now and stuff. I mean, I’m pretty sure that being dead is not so bad, at least from what we know from Kingsley memories.” She seemed to try and keep a light conversation, but her voice was too subdued and there was no real mirth in her face. Then, suddenly, her whole façade crumbles and she takes a deep breath. “Shit, I really suck at this, don’t I? I don’t really know what to do here, Caleb. You were always the smart one, who knows what to say in these situations. No one could argue for a point like you did. Like you do . But you’re not done yet. I know it can feel like that from your side, but you’re really not done. None of us is. There’s still so much to do in this world. You need to come back to us, okay? Don’t make me ask Artie to drag you back, because you know I will!! I convinced a god into releasing Artie, remember? I’ll do it again if I have to!”

Even if her speech began on such a vulnerable tone, she seemed to pick up on her confidence and use it to her advantage. By the end of it, Essek could see a small smile peeking behind Fjord’s tusks, his hand resting on the back of Jester’s chair a little less forceful. When she finished, the green swirl on the ceiling started glowing brighter, and the Traveler smiled a bit wider, a bit more confident. They all turned to stare at Essek.

He was not ready yet. He would probably never be ready. Gathering all the strength he had, all his years of experience with his Shadowhand mask, the drow stood up straighter, took a breath, adjusted his hair (more of a nervous tic than a real desire to look presentable by this point) and floated to the head of the bed. He stood next to Veth, asking a silent question as he looked at her. She nodded and gave him more space, going to stand by Caleb’s feet. Nervously rolling the bead he had between his fingers, Essek sat down on the bed and doubled over Caleb’s face. Between facing the deathly pale face of the wizard and making his plea aloud on the same space as his other friends, he would much rather choose the former. He started speaking softly by the human’s ear, as if he was still alive and they were sharing a secret. Essek decided it was better to pretend.

“Caleb, my friend. I am well aware that I do not deserve to demand anything of you. In any other situation I would always defer to your choice, but I’m afraid this is not one of those instances. You did not choose this. This… this is all my fault. And I cannot let you suffer any more of my mistakes. I have already done too much. You have so much to do, Caleb Widogast. So many years of good that you can provide to this world, so many brilliant ideas. I would gladly give up centuries of my own life if I could grant you this time. You deserve it more than anyone else I have ever met, though I am not sure this is something you would wish for yourself… Alas, I cannot. I can’t do more than sit here and ask you to come back to us, and hope, wish, pray that whatever entity that can hear me will grant you this chance. You know better than anyone my own thoughts on religion, but I would gamble with any of them if it means making sure there is some good left on this earth. And you, my friend, you are it. Please. I don’t deserve this, but your- our friends do. The Nein still need you, and I know you still need them. Listen to their plea.”

Straightening up a bit, Essek takes the bead on his hand and places it on Caleb’s forehead, taking another breath as he realizes his fingers are trembling a bit.

“I do not know if this will work on you in this circumstance, my friend. But if I can help you with a bit of luck to find your way back, I would try anything.”

He whispers the verbal components of Fortune’s Favor and feels the white pearl disappear from his fingers. Once it’s done, he looks once more at the face of the man who turned his whole world upside down and took his heart with him and, feeling bolder than he ever did, bent down to press a kiss to the human’s forehead, right where the pearl was consumed. Bending a bit further down, his hand on the still heart of the other man, he whispered again in Caleb’s ear.

“You once saw me at my lowest point, my worst secrets revealed, and with a kiss gave me a second chance in life. Do not waste yours, Caleb.”

When he stood up again, he heard the sudden shifting sound of four pairs of feet hastily distancing themselves from the bed. And when he looked up all his friends looked suspiciously occupied doing anything but looking at him. 

Before he could comment on it, though, the glowing swirl of green flow started to pulse brighter and brighter until they were all blinded by it, completely encompassed by it, and a warm pulse of energy suddenly sucked all air and light from them into a small point on the ceiling. Essek was entirely blinded even when he could tell the light was gone, his sensitive vision still dealing with the imprint of that green energy. He could, however, hear a faint echoing laughter, and if he looked up at the point in the ceiling he could see a small shadow shaped like… well, like a small dick. 

He couldn't help but chuckle at his friend’s rather unorthodox (to put it mildly) methods. Still, he could not deny their efficacy.

Unable to stop blinking but still incapable of seeing anything, Essek was impeded from checking if the ritual worked. The room was silent, so he surmised that it either didn’t, or there was some waiting period. He felt the edge of the bed by his thigh, and gingerly sat back down before he stumbled on something.

“Jester? Was there any instruction on what happens after? Should we know by now if it worked?”

“Well, Artie said that it should be instantaneous, and he did say it worked!” Her voice was strained, almost trying to convince herself as well as the others. “But maybe his soul needs a moment to come back?” 

No one answered. No one said anything, just waiting with baited breath to see the results. Then the whole room gasped at the same time, and Essek felt a cold hand brushing against his own, the one he had resting on the bed.

—------------

The room erupted in cries of joy when Caleb finally came back, and Essek could breathe again. Still trying to get his sight back, the drow let out a surprised (and utterly undignifying) yelp as he was tackled to the bed as both Jester and Veth tried to get to Caleb at the same time, trapping him in a tight group hug even as Caleb coughed and tried to make his weak voice complain about being crushed back to death.

Eventually he managed to crawl out of the growing pile of warm bodies - Kingsley joined the girls right after them and pulled Fjord in with him, Caleb still trying to ask them to get off him, although the laughter in his voice betrayed his intentions - and floated back to his original spot, by the door. He let himself enjoy that moment for a bit, subtly drying the tears that kept falling. Then he made himself leave them to their moment. His duty was completed. He needed to pack.

Chapter Text

Caleb woke up from the worst hangover in his life, his memories for once too jumbled to be able to tell him what happened. Not that he had time to try it. In the space of seconds he woke up as if he was just surfacing from a body of water, like waking up from a deep sleep. Then he felt a warm presence next to him, and instinctively reached for it, even though his body complained and allowed him the barest of movement with his fingers. As soon as he made contact, though, a barrage of warm bodies and loud sounds crashed against him, a mixture of familiar voices, tight hugs and the wetness of tears. By the time they all calmed down enough to let him breathe again, they helped him sit against a wall of pillows and started speaking at the same time. He managed to get bits and pieces and, matching with his own spotty memories, gathered the gist of it.

He was in Aeor with Essek. He died. Essek brought his body to Nicodranas. Jester and The Traveler brought him back to life with a new spell. He would have thought that impossible, but the state of his body was a very convincing evidence. His clothes were in tatters, and even though he had no injuries, the blood that stuck to them was an alarming amount for a human. He had no strength left, feeling completely sore and drained even though he literally just woke up. Jester reached for him again and her familiar pulse of energy took away the lingering pain and tiredness. Not enough to bring him back completely, but enough to keep him awake for now.

Once he felt strong enough to think properly, Caleb realized who was missing from this scene. The last time he saw Essek they were fighting for their lives, and a cold dread gripped his sternum. “And Essek? Is he ok? Where is he?” 

“Wait.” Jester looked around a little lost, and the others joined her. “He was right here! Essek? Essek!” She started shouting in the direction of the slightly ajar door, still holding tight to Caleb’s hand. Veth kept fussing around him, fluffing his pillows and tucking his legs under the covers, while Fjord and Kingsley tried to joke around to lighten the mood. But it was very clear how spooked they were. It must not have been a pretty sight, whatever happened in the time between his death and his return.

When there was no reply to her calls, he heard Veth mutter under her breath “That little shit.” Then she looked back at Caleb using the most nurturing voice she had. The one he usually heard being used with Luc. “I think he stepped out for a moment. Let me go get him and I’ll be right back, ok Lebby?”

She barely saw him nod as she immediately spun around on her heels and then huffed and stomped her way out. Whatever it was that happened between those two, Caleb couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for what the drow was going to be subjected to.

“Don’t worry, Cayleb, he’s ok. We took care of him too. Veth will bring him right back.” Jester patted his hand and gave him an easy enough smile that let him know that at least there was no immediate danger. If you’re not counting Veth and her war path.

—-------

Essek did not come back that day. After an hour of thinner and thinner excuses and the muffled sounds of shrill shouts coming from the wall to his right, the group decided it was better to let Caleb rest and filtered out of the room. Jester promised to come back soon with food and to check on him, and she did, with Veth in tow. No one else mentioned Essek again, and even though Caleb was very curious, he decided he was too tired to press. In the middle of the night, when Caleb woke up from a light nap, he felt a presence in the room, and looked at the door to his room to catch the last movements of a shadow floating away. He slept better after that.

It took him 3 days to tire of his friend’s newfound shyness. He was too weak before to force anything, and his new experience gave him much to think about, but he needed to talk to Essek, and the drow just refused to show up, even when he asked Jester to call him again. She came back empty handed and apologizing, saying that he was going through a rough time and needed to remember himself. Her account of what happened sure did seem to be a very traumatic experience, and her description of Essek’s state of mind just made his heart squeeze into the size of an olive. He would gladly let his friend take his time then.

After the fourth day he was finally allowed to leave his room. Jester was adamant on Caleb resting as much as possible to recover his mind as well as his body, and not even Kingsley would be persuaded to let him escape for a bit. They gave him his backpack, so he was able to take a nice bath once he could stand again, and change into clothes that didn’t remind him so much of those awful moments. He mourned the loss of his beloved coat and book harness, but there was no salvaging them. He didn’t think he would be able to keep wearing them either way. Not with the marks of his deadly wounds in them. Jester took care of them, at his request. He would buy new ones later, and hate them for months until they were comfortable enough to not itch and restrict his movements, but there was no way around this part.

His first order of business was not, however, a shopping trip. He had more important things in mind, very big decisions he made on his forced retreat. The minute Jester told him he was free to walk around again - under strict rules to never ever die again, not until he was a very old man - he asked for privacy to change into outing clothes, then made sure she was not on the second floor corridor until he made his way to the next door.

The door was opened, so he had the chance to peek inside before knocking. He didn’t find Essek on the part of the room he could see, but he could hear the distinct sound of a page being turned, then stopping when he knocked.

“Enter.” Essek replied promptly, though with an almost bored tone. The look of complete shock on his face when he realized who had knocked was priceless, though.

“Hallo there. Can I come in for a moment?” The sight of the elf in front of him, jumping into a polite position on the reading couch from what he was certain to be an adorable ball of Essek, made his chest warm again, and he smiled. 

Caleb caught him twice in this position before, when they were dealing with a particular difficult document or going through a stressful day. Barefoot and with his legs folded against his chest, trying to not chew on his precious manicured nails as he rested his head on his knees. Essek only did this when he thought Caleb was asleep, snuggled on one of the couches of the library in the tower. He should know better than to ignore Caleb’s insomnia by then, so technically it was his own fault for getting caught. This time, though, he was sure that the other was much more than a little bit stressed. Either way, he was presently already back to his usual perfect posture.

“Ah… sure, of course. Here, sit.” He got up to offer his own place, but Caleb was sick and tired of sitting or laying down. He waved away the offer, giving his explanation to Essek. Still recovering from his surprise, his friend finally smiled back at him and stood up awkwardly, avoiding his gaze.

He closed the door behind him as he entered, and immediately noticed that Essek had his backpack intact, ready to go at a moment's notice. It made his stomach sour with its implication, but decided against opening with that particular subject. 

Both wizards stood facing each other, and spent a couple of pent up moments commenting on the other’s health, waiting to see who would break first from the pretense. It didn’t last long until Essek broke, though, which spoke volumes about his state of mind. Whenever they danced around a subject (other than this thing they had going on), both wizards too stubborn or too playful to be the first to acknowledge something, Essek usually won by a landslide. The drow had patience in spades, while Caleb… well, he was always the most anxious of the two of them.

“I am sorry I didn’t visit you before. I, ah, I wished to, but thought it was best to let you rest.” He couldn’t meet Caleb’s eyes for long, though he seemed genuinely happy for the human. 

“Jester told me you had a hard time dealing with all of it. I’m sorry I put you in such a traumatic situation.”

Essek looked up sharply then, shocked and then a bit… angry? Caleb had a hard time registering the emotions on his face, and they were all gone too quickly. Instead, Essek’s expression became intensely fierce, determined as he maintained eye contact. Caleb has seen him this upset before, but the strength behind those violet eyes always left him a bit breathless anyway.

“Caleb Widogast. You have nothing to apologize for, do you understand me? You were the one paying the price for my stupidity. You do not get to feel sorry for me here.”

The combination of the strong response and the meaning of the words left Caleb backtracking for a couple of heartbeats. It was not common for him to see someone else try to bear all the burden of the world on their shoulders. 

“ Your stupidity? Essek, I was the one who didn’t even realize I had changed back from a giant ape before it was too late, what are you eve-”

“You were following my plan , putting yourself in danger on my request . I was the one who was too cowardly to not make the right choice from the start. All because I wanted to conserve energy, of all things!” Essek must have realized he raised his voice and lost composure while talking, because he took a moment to breathe. Caleb was too stunned by the outburst to react before he continued, more subdued.

“It was my fault. All of it. I got you killed. I put you in unnecessary danger because I didn’t make the right choices and ignored the consequences. And then you paid for them. I… I’m not a safe company to keep, not when I keep letting you - all of you - down.” He was avoiding Caleb’s eyes again. Caleb waited a few seconds to gather his own wits with him and stamp down the anger rising inside. His suspicions were right then.

“Is that why you intend to leave?”

Silence. The anger inside him gave way to a deep feeling of hurt. For a brief moment, he wondered if this is how his family felt in the beginning, when he was still a ‘stinky wizard’ with too much self loathing to feel worthy of the love and confidence he was given. It must have been incredibly frustrating. No wonder Beau kept arguing with him.

“Were you even going to tell me in person?”

Essek didn’t respond, and kept stubbornly staring at a spot on the ground to his left. Caleb took a step forward, effectively invading Essek’s personal space, forcing the drow to acknowledge him there.

“Is this related to the argument you had with Veth? Because if it is, I know she means well, but–”

“Of course not!” Essek snapped at him, offended for Veth’s sake. Still, the bait worked, for he looked up to meet Caleb’s eyes for a second before turning back to the invisible spot on the ground. 

“She was the one who convinced me to stay longer, actually. I thought it would be best if I took my distance to keep you safe, but she reminded me of your stubbornness and how well that would go if you decided to find me.” 

The drow huffed a bit at the memory, and the human relaxed a bit. And then felt a little ashamed of doubting his friend’s best intentions. Veth would always put his happiness above all else, even when Caleb wouldn’t. He took the gap in the conversation to drive the point home. Essek and Veth were right in one thing: Caleb was not going to let him leave without a fight.

He took in the sight of this brilliant, wonderful elf in front of him. The Dynasty’s prodigy now wore simple though very well made clothes, both feet on the ground, shoulders slumped in defeat and deep purple shadows under his beautiful eyes. He looked defeated and exhausted. Caleb wished badly he could just envelop his friend in a tight hug and keep him there, protected, safe, loved, for the rest of his days. He wasn’t sure he would be welcomed at the moment, though, so he compromised into just staying in Essek’s space, so close he could touch him with barely a movement. Trying his best to show the other ‘I’m here, I’m not going anywhere’ . Essek once said the Nein were the ones responsible for changing him in a fundamental level, and even though they all believed his capacity for doing good was his own, that all they did was show him a bit of the way, Caleb felt like that made them all a bit responsible for Essek’s newfound self-doubt. He wasn’t very much used to feeling guilty or responsible for others before he met his friends. In the few weeks they spent together in those ancient ruins, Caleb could feel the palpable guilt Essek carried around, and knew deep in his bones how this new path could lead him into a new type of self destruction. He would not allow that to happen to the other wizard. He calmed his own battling feelings and tried again, with the most soft, empathetic tone he could muster.

“Essek, none of that was your fault. I agreed to your plan, knowing full well the consequences. If we are going to take that line of thought, it was my fault we were in Aeor in the first place. So I believe that automatically puts all deaths and risks occured on the ruins on my tab.”

They kept their close distance to each other, Essek staring at the ground to his left, Caleb staring at the top of Essek’s head, trying to get him to look up again without touching.

“Do not mock me, Caleb.” His words were serious, but there was no real bite to his voice. 

“I am not mocking. I am trying to tell you that you should not feel guilty for what happened. You already carry too many burdens, my friend, I don’t want to become one more.”

“You are never a burden.” This time with a bit more intensity. And something else, something that Caleb would not dare name yet, but felt warm inside.

“And neither are you. Essek, please, look at me.”

Reluctantly, he raised his head to meet Caleb’s eyes again. There was so much sadness and guilt on his face, Caleb felt a pang in his heart. He was trying to respect Essek’s well-known hesitation when it came to touch, but this was too much. His hands came up to soothe Essek, then caught himself midway when he realized he was about to cup that beautiful face. Thinking that might be too bold, he changed trajectories to hold onto his biceps, pleading and soothing at once with his hands, his own eyes searching deep into troubled violet, dark with pain.

“You made a miscalculation. You tried to be clever but your plan failed. It happens to all of us. It was not your fault.”

“You still died.”

Essek said it in such a pained whisper that it was Caleb’s turn to look away for a moment. This was not at all going the way he had planned. He tried to think of what his family did to him when he was the one stuck on a downward spiral. What was it that worked, and why. Humor usually helped lighten the mood. Sometimes being shocked out of a state helps too. He kept his hands on Essek’s arms, feeling the tension under his light tunic while he searched his brain for something. Then he remembered, and locked eyes again with Essek, this time with more mirth.

“Did you know Veth once killed Caduceus by accident?”

“W-what?” Whatever Essek was expecting, it was NOT this. Good. Caleb felt his own tension dissolve a bit and surrendered to the moment, showing Essek the fondest smile he could muster, trying to guide him back to a better place by example.

“ Ja . We were in a fight, and it was going very poorly for us. Caduceus fell close to our enemy, but he was still alive. Veth did not see him in time, though, and she shot a Fluffernutter in that direction, not realizing it was too close to Cad. He was instantly killed by the explosion. Fortunately, Jester brought him back right away. It was, of course, very bad when it happened, and Veth felt very guilty for a while. But now, when we remember it, it’s more of a funny story, about how completely unhinged we all are as a group and the lessons we learned along the way.”

Essek was staring in horror, mouth agape. At least his eyes were not so sad anymore.

“And Caduceus…?”

“Oh, he was a bit testy for a day, but then he forgave Veth and things went back to normal. He was the one who brought her son back to life too, when we were in the fire plane.” That was definitely not a funny memory, but his mind couldn’t help but follow its usual path. He sighed at all the ways his friends carried their own pain, and went back to the lighter aspect of this conversation.

“My point is, you are not a burden, or a risk. Not for us, Essek. We are your friends, and even when things go to shit we stick together. We take care of our own. That is exactly what you did. You brought me to safety, and made sure I could come back. Without you, I would be dead meat in Aeor long ago.”

He punctuated his sentences with a tight grip on Essek’s arms and staring directly into his eyes. There was a little less pain there, a little less guilt. Maybe he was absorbing it after all. Essek did not break eye contact this time. Caleb was so close he could see him swallowing while he thought on his answer. He could feel the arms under his fingers relax ever so slowly. There was a hint of an embarrassed smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He tried not to focus too much there. Not the moment for it.

“Ah, I don’t know about that.” Essek steeled himself a bit more again, still not ready to let go completely of his guilt. They were back to their usual battle of wits, then, maybe. “But I still believe I should have done better.”

“Well, then do better next time.” Caleb showed him a sly grin at that. Testing the waters, as they say. Apparently that was a bit too far. His eyes turned troubled again. Not as deeply as a few moments ago, but still enough to let Caleb know they were not done.

“I don’t think that going back is a good idea, Caleb. Not for now, anyway.”

Caleb sighed and couldn’t help but internally cursed Essek’s damned stubbornness. They were indeed mirrors of each other, in many more ways than Caleb ever imagined. Beau will be thrilled to know he is finally getting a taste of his own medicine. He knew he couldn’t press too much all at once, so decided to keep the wins he could get for now. As long as Essek stayed close by, he would have time to work on the drow’s issues with him. Letting him deal with them alone was not an option.

“Fine, a small reprieve before we return, then. Or are you still wanting to flee in the dead of night?” He offered a challenging smile at that, but his hands betrayed his real fear and stayed on Essek’s arms. 

A heavy sigh, and then “I promise I won’t flee. Not without saying goodbye.” There was a small smile at that. “I suppose we could stay for a few more days before deciding what comes next.” 

A compromise. Caleb could work with that.

“Good. Then come with me, let us meet our friends and see what else I missed while we were away.”

—------------------

They spend the rest of the day indulging Jester’s ideas: going shopping for new clothes (since they only carried heavy cloaks and thick fabric for the cold ancient city and were indeed starting to suffer under the heat of Nicodranas), trying to find a new book holster for Caleb (no such luck yet, since Caleb had high standards and was very particular about it), trying out a bit of the local cuisine (Caleb loved everything, but Essek was still suspicious of some of the more lesser known seafood), letting her paint a new parasol for Essek (this time a bit more to his taste, even though Caleb was pretty sure Essek would not mind at all another pink frilly one) and even risking a quick trip to the beach when the sun was setting and the light did not hurt Essek’s eyes too much. Caleb, Jester, Fjord and Kingsley didn’t miss the chance of a nice swim in the warm water while Essek politely refused to strip down to his smallclothes (even when they offered for him to use a disguise self to keep hidden from them) and elected to keep watch of their belongings on the sand, where he sat under his parasol watching them from a safe distance.

By the end of the day Caleb was exhausted, his body still losing its last tendrils of death around it, but incredibly satisfied. Having their friends nearby to keep Essek occupied and smiling lifted an enormous weight off his heart, and settled some of his earlier fears of losing him. No one ever stands a chance against Jester Lavorre’s natural magnetism, and Caleb was always glad to have her helping him in making Essek smile more. His true smile, not the diplomatic one he used to hide behind.

Going back to the Chateau they were once more surprised, this time with the return of the Ruby of the Sea. Caleb hardly had time to wonder about Jester’s mother until she reappeared, apparently working on her own fears as she was convinced to spend a few days with The Gentleman. Which was very fortunate, given that she was spared the sight of her daughter suffering, and his own ghastly presentation. He let the sounds of the conversations around him and the comfort of the presence of his friends wash over him as he watched them with a fondness he never knew he was capable of in his adult life, after all that was broken in him. Despite it all, he could have this small moment of joy and satisfaction, right?

Eventually Essek noticed (he always noticed, his traitorous heart supplied) he was basically dozing off on a chair and convinced Caleb to go back to his room for the day. They pretended not to notice Jester snickering behind them, or Kingsley’s crass jokes, as they always did. Then he let the drow gently take off his shoes and tuck him in bed with delicate hands and a soft voice that lulled him right into sleep the moment his head hit the pillow. The last thing Caleb remembers is mumbling “thank you” to Essek, and watching him smile while he bid good night.

Chapter Text

Essek was so sure. 

He knew what he had to do to keep them - keep him - safe. He was a liability, putting them in unnecessary danger every day he spent with his friends. Once the Dynasty found out about him, they would be high on the queen’s list of suspects already, and if she found them all together… he couldn’t think about it. The best thing for them all would be for Essek to go far away, disguised and cutting all ties with his old life. 

A part of him still suffered the loss of his brother, the only person in his Den that he did in fact love as family. But that was a loss he had been preparing himself for years now, and their separation since the death of their father only facilitated the whole ordeal. He never expected the Nein, though. They came into his life as pure chaos, and changed him on a fundamental level. How was he supposed to deal with their loss?

It was his own cowardice and egotism that made him accept the time he had with Caleb in Aeor. He was never able to say no to those pleading blue eyes, that godsdamn accent and soft voice whenever Caleb used them on him. The brilliance shining through his every word and expression. He was captivated from the first request for a lesson on Dunamancy, Essek knew that now. Not that he realized it in the moment, but hindsight really made everything crystal clear. 

So he said yes to the temptation of discovery and new magic and time with the wizard that stole his supposedly dead heart. He really could not think of anything else he would rather do than that. And for a moment it was wonderful, even with all the dangers the place offered. 

But then Caleb was dead in his arms and reality came hurtling back. Serves him right for thinking even for a moment that he could have what he wanted. 

He should know better by now. Life was never fair, and the gods would never favor one that spurned them and betrayed his own kind.

He knew he should leave, he just needed to see Caleb restored to health again first. But then, of course, the Nein happened again. Veth found him packing and screeched her head off until he agreed to at least talk to Caleb and convince him to not try and find Essek once he left. 

For a person who seemed so insistent in reminding Essek how unworthy of Caleb he was, Veth sure was very clear about not allowing him to leave. He couldn’t blame the hafling for her fierce protection of her human friend. Essek felt the same, and understood her feelings better than she would have ever thought possible. But he was sure that her interpretation of Caleb’s feelings toward himself was off target. There was something between them, yes, but most likely it was his own feelings skewing that relationship. 

Either way, his friends were much safer if kept at arm's reach. 

He wanted to check in on Caleb, to make sure he was here and safe, but his cowardice got the better of him. He spied on the convalescent wizard when everyone else was asleep, just to make sure he was still breathing, but kept to his room for most of the time. He should know that Caleb would not take that well, he should not have been as surprised as he was when the human showed up at his door, demanding to know why he never visited. The hurt on his face when he asked about the bags ready to go at a moment’s notice. Essek knew the safest choice was to leave, to put distance between them, but he could never deny Caleb. 

So he agreed to stay a bit longer. He promised himself it would only be long enough to make sure the others would agree to his reasoning and let him go without putting themselves in danger. He is a hypocrite as well as a coward, it seems.

Still, it was good to go out with his friends again, even if he had to disguise himself and pretend the sun didn’t hurt his eyes. For a few hours he allowed himself to just enjoy the company of the people he loved more than his own country and old aspirations. He laughed with Jester and tolerated Kingsley’s obnoxiously obvious flirting. He traded pleasantries and wisdom with Fjord and delighted in trading light-hearted barbs with Veth. He tried to help Caleb find a new coat and book harness, doing his best to avoid the reason why his friend needed those.

It was a pleasant day, but one that he was heavily watched. He could see and feel, all day long, Caleb watching him like a hawk. Keeping him close and clutching at his arm at every opportunity, as if Essek would turn into smoke if he looked away for too long. The drow, for his part, pretended not to notice and let the other manhandle him as much as he wanted. Not that he minded it much, but it was increasingly hard to keep the pounding of his heart and the goosebumps on his skin whenever Caleb touched him. He knew he had scared the redhead that morning and, even if he could not promise to stay, he would try his best to show that he would keep his word and not leave without notice. 

Whatever Caleb needed, he would provide. No matter what. Essek knew he was too far gone to fight it by now.

—--------------

When they made it back to the Chateau the group was pleased to see the Ruby of the Sea had finally come home in high spirits. Essek never managed to meet the famous courtesan in person before, even though Jester told him numerous tales of her mother. Watching them embrace with such love, Essek couldn’t help but feel his envy bubble up for a bit. He knew that Kryn high society would never allow open affection the way they did outside of Xhorhas, but a part of him still mourned the relationship he could have had with his Umavi if not for all the expectations placed upon them. 

That was all immediately forgotten, though, once the brightness that is Jester Lavorre turned back to him with the widest smile on her face, proudly introducing him to her mother.

“ESSEK! Meet my momma, Marion Lavorre, the Ruby of the Sea.” She gushed at the beautiful red tiefling poised by her side, her kind eyes taking her daughter’s usual shenanigans in stride. 

“Momma, this is my friend Essek Thelyss. He’s the one I told you about, you know? From the Dynasty .” She stage-whispered the last part to her, even though his drow form was plain for anyone to see, now that they were dragged up to the third floor and into the Ruby’s sitting room. The second they arrived and Jester had word of her mother returning they were all immediately brought up there and he’d been told it was safe again to drop his disguise.

“Oh, I see.” She gave Jester a knowing look that made Essek squint his eyes instinctually. That kind of reaction was always a sign of Jester being up to something, but Marion swiftly turned back to him with the ease of someone expertly used to charming others, and Essek had no choice but to let the suspicion drop for the moment.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Thelyss. My daughter told me many wonderful things about you, and all the ways you helped her and her friends during their adventures. I appreciate all you did to keep my Sapphire safe.” 

This time her face and voice told him of true warmth and gratitude, and he could easily see where Jester got her natural magnetism from. This was a woman that made it impossible not to  love her. Essek saw no reason to keep himself from being affected by her, so he let it happen. The Nein really did make an everlasting impression on him.

She extended a hand to him in greeting, and the wizard took it and bowed over respectfully, as he knew would be the correct way to show deep respect in these parts of Exandria.

“The pleasure is mine, Ms. Lavorre. Jester, I am sure, has greatly overstated my help, though I am very proud to be able to help her in whatever capacity she sees fit. I am constantly humbled by the sympathy and friendship this group has shown me.”

Her eyes a bit wide with surprise and mirth, Marion turned slightly towards her daughter as she pulled her hand back and purred “He really is as polite as you mentioned, what a dear”, before turning back to Essek with a knowing smile.

“No need for that poise here, Mr. Thelyss. You may speak freely in front of me, I am more than accustomed to the… frankness of Jester’s friends. And I am positive that it’s you who underestimate your own value for your friends, if even half of what my daughter tells me is true. Do not let your guilt keep you from appreciating the good in you.” 

Oh, so it wasn’t only the charm that Jester got from her mother. Her eyes pierced his as if looking straight into his soul, and Essek realized what a menace those two tieflings were with such a powerful combination of insight and magnetism. He should be feeling too exposed by such a display, should be worrying about fortifying his walls and maintaining a neutral façade, but instead he felt his shoulders relax and an amused smile spread over his shocked expression. The Shadowhand had no place here, with his friends. This was the space made for Essek of the Mighty Nein.

“Ah, I… if that is what you wish. Thank you, Ms. Lavorre.”

“Marion, please. As long as you are under my roof, you are a guest of the Lavish Chateau and under my protection. It is not much against an entire nation, I’m afraid, but it is enough for a respite from the harshness of the world for a little bit. I do hope you know that and make use of it as much as you wish.” 

Essek couldn’t help but feel the motherly warmth of her face spread into his chest and fill him with a sense of security that was against all of his cold logic, but stronger than any other he felt before, barring the moments he felt protected by the Nein. Is this what Jester felt growing up? 

But this was too much. The feeling became too overwhelming, suddenly threatening to spill over and he had to swallow a lump in his throat before answering with all sincerity.

“Marion, then. Thank you again, I am forever indebted to such a kind offer, and put my own friendship and powers at your service should you ever need them in return. And please, call me Essek.”

“Let us hope neither of us ever need to use the protection offered then, Essek.” She smiled at him again, before turning to the others with the same warmth she showed him, leaving Essek a bit lost with his own feelings. 

—---------

After greeting everyone, Marion offered drinks and music in her sitting room to listen to their new adventures and in return tell news of Babenon and the goings on of Zadash (mostly things she heard about, as she still had a hard time leaving the underground of the Evening Nip). Jester, Fjord and Kingsley lounged comfortably around her in the room, as it surely was not their first time doing this type of soirée. Caleb sat in a corner a bit more detached, occasionally joining in to correct a fact or add a detail on a story. Essek kept to the other side of the very plush room, sitting on a fainting couch and slowly sipping the exquisite wine Jester gave him, enjoying the scene before him. 

The room was filled with very comfortable chairs and couches, pillows of all shapes, sizes and colors littered the furniture and the carpet covered floor. It was a mixture of textures and styles from all over Wildemount, which led him to believe they were mostly gifts from her clients. Plush, thick wool carpets made out of animal skin shared space with intricate stitching or weaving depicting scenes or geometrical shapes. There were even silked ones that looked more like sheets than anything supposed to be stepped on, though those were kept near the corners so they could last longer.

The only window of the room, right behind the couch Essek was in, was large and had heavy drapes of silky maroon material, currently held back to allow the cool breeze in and a clear view of the ocean. 

The whole room was bathed in the rich reds and pinks of the setting sun, contrasting with the already colorful room in materials of all shades. The walls were covered in professional paintings of the Ruby herself, as well as Jester in varying ages and sizes, and some beautiful landscapes of the Menagerie Coast. To his left, almost hidden in draped deep red cloth, Essek could see a beautifully carved white door that probably led to Marion's bedroom. 

He was currently distracted by the sheer amount of wealth and comfort he was surrounded in, trying to imagine what it must have been like for Jester to grow up in such a place before becoming an adventurer, accustomed to all kinds of hardship, when the blue tiefling herself cut him off by dropping very heavily next to him.

"Oof! It's a very nice room, isn't it? I noticed you were looking at my momma's place."

"It is indeed very nice. Your mother has impeccable taste. And, I assume, many wealthy clients,” he added with a small playful smile. Jester was in her best mood again, and the drow wanted nothing more than to compensate for the days he saw her mourning their friend by keeping her that way. 

"Oh, big time! All the rich guys and gals like to spend money with her and give her gifts and all that to stay on her short list. She doesn't take many customers anymore, you know, so if you want to spent time with the Ruby you gotta be reeeeeaal rich." 

"I see. I confess I have only heard of her during my time here and when you mentioned her, but I did not manage to investigate further on the subject."

He didn't mention the reason why he was in Nicodranas before, disguised as lord Thain. They all knew that, and Essek didn't feel like ruining the moment with painful memories. Thankfully, Jester seemed to feel the same, since she steered clear of that bit and focused back on her mother.

"Oh, she has the most beautiful voice ever! People come from all around just to hear her sing! But mostly she's known for her harrumph harrumph, you know?" Her dark blue brows danced on her face as she gave him a knowing smirk and a not at all subtle wink. Yes, Essek did know what she meant, even if he didn't want to.

"Yes, I understand." 

He tried to reply using his most bland voice, even though he knew his ears were betraying him terribly at the moment. He could feel the tips becoming hot and a flicker or two escaped his control. He hoped desperately that none of his friends had caught on to his tells yet, he was becoming terribly open with it around them. Trying to disguise his blushing state with a sip of his wine, he quickly used the first excuse that came into his mind to try and change the subject.

"So, I understand that she was spending some time with your father, is that correct? I'm glad that she wasn't here to witness all… that." He waved his hand in a general manner, unable still to say the words. 

"Oh yeah, she was! You don't know this yet, but that was a big deal with my momma. She doesn't really like to leave the Chateau, and my dad can't really leave his place because of all the underground stuff he deals in, so they never get to see each other. But! My dad and I managed to convince her to work on her fears a bit and, since she already knew his place, we figured she wouldn't be too scared, you know? It was mostly just trying to figure out how to get her from one place to another. So I talked with Yussa, you know him? The wizard on the weird tower in town? Oh right, yeah, you came from there. Anyway! I talked to him and convinced him to teleport her there and then my dad would find a way to teleport her back after a week so she wouldn't spend too long out, you know, so she agreed and that's what we did."

For the life of him, Essek would never not be amazed by Jester's incredible ability to tell stories and convince very powerful people to do her bidding. Still reeling from the barrage of information, the drow managed to stop blinking long enough to question, "I'm sorry, you said your father was an underground… dealer?"

"Yes. He's The Gentleman, ever heard of him? He's a big deal over there in Zadash. Has lots of friends in Shady Creek Run."

He had no recollection of a person dubbed 'the gentleman' but knew enough of Shady Creek Run to understand just what kind of person he must be. Suddenly so many things about Jester started to make sense, and Essek couldn't help but feel his respect for his friend deepen even more.

"Ah, I think I… get the picture, as you say, yes. Though I'm afraid I do not know of your father. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I guess it's better that you didn't know him before, this way when you meet him he'll have to be nice to you because of me and not because you guys were working together on shitty deals and stuff."

"Yes, I suppose so." The conversation fell into a natural pause, both of them contemplating what ifs. The tiefling still had her usual bubbly personality, but he could sense that the turn of the subject left her less joyful than before, so he tried changing gears again. 

"If you don't mind my curiosity, how was it that your parents met? If they are always kept apart from each other there must have been some change from the way they started, yes?"

That managed to brighten her back up. Few things made Jester so excited as love stories.

"Oh Essek, it was so beautiful!!!” She immediately brightened up and started gushing over the tale. Good, that’s safer ground.

“So, my momma was always very famous, right? And she always had all these clients paying all this money to see her and stuff, but one day this guy came in, and he wasn't very rich, but he saved enough money to see her and once they spent time together they fell super in love! It was like, love at first sight, you know? And so he spent all his money to keep seeing her, until she finally agreed to marry him and leave the Chateau and would live happily ever after and all that!” If someone would ever possibly become capable of turning their eyes into hearts, it would be Jester at that moment.

“But he didn't have any more money and he didn't want her to live a poor life, so he said he was going to work as a sailor for a while and save money again, and she would wait for him here. That's when she found out she was pregnant with me, by the way. But! He never came back! She was so heartbroken for such a long time, but she still told me all she knew about him and I knew that she still loved him so much, so when I had to flee from Nicodranas I decided that I was going to find my dad and live with him for a while and finally get to know him and why he never came back."

"You had to flee Nicodranas?" It was hard retaining much details at the speed Jester was telling her story, but that much was impossible to miss. Instead of clarifying though, she just shushed him and kept going.

"But then I met Fjord and Beau and then we met all the others and we started having adventures together so I kinda just left it for later, you know. Like, it wasn't that urgent or anything, so I just focused on helping everyone and seeing the world, like my momma told me to. And then when we got to Zadash we met this guy named the Gentleman! I didn't know it was him at first, but then we came back to talk to my momma and she was all like 'Jester, I told you about him' and we were all 'whaaaaaaat' and then I went back there and talked to him and he confessed he was my dad after all. It was all very dramatic and stuff. But they still couldn't see each other, cuz my dad said that he started working with illegal stuff to get rich enough to marry my momma but he couldn't really leave Zadash anymore. It was so sad, Essek, you could totally see that they still loved each other!"

At this point the drow simply gave up on interrupting and nodded along to the story. He would never admit to it out loud, but he was also starting to get invested in it, his wine mostly forgotten in his hand.

"So you know, I really wanted to get them together again, but it was really hard to convince them, they were so stubborn! It was so stupid, they just chose to keep suffering instead of talking or anything." She looked straight in his eyes at that, and Essek felt compelled to drink from his forgotten glass to evade her pointed look.

"But then the whole Icky-thong thing happened and he was threatening to kill our families and I thought 'well technically the best person we know of that can help hide people is my dad, we should totally take them there'. So we took Veth's family and my momma there and you know what happened?" She turned to him fully, both hands resting next to his leg on the couch and a mischievous look on her face, clearly expecting him to participate.

"Ah, they… talked?"

"They talked!” She waved her arms around like it was the most exciting thing to happen ever, and it was hard to not get roped in the feeling with her. She really was a good storyteller, Essek had to admit.

“And you know what? They totally realized they were still in love with each other and decided to try and make it work, eventually! I mean, sure, they're not like officially together yet, and my dad is still trying to figure out how to be able to come to Nicodranas, but they send each other letters every now and then, and they just started this whole teleporting thing, so who knows? Maybe they will get together eventually. My momma is thinking about retiring anyway, so it's mostly a matter of time, I think."

“I see. That’s very good then. I am glad for them.”

She smiled at him and nodded along, before adjusting back to her seat and letting another pause in the conversation happen. This time it was a comfortable one, which allowed Essek to take a few seconds to digest everything, and once again wonder about the incredible people in his life. 

Looking around, he saw that Marion was still the perfect picture of poise and elegance, listening to Kingsley talk alongside Fjord. Caleb was still on his seat on the other side of the room, practically nodding off as he pretended to listen. He seemed well enough earlier in the day, but by now the sun had set completely and the only source of light were the candles and lamps arranged around the room, and even in the shade it was possible to spot the dark bags under his eyes. His heart felt heavy for the man, the mess of feelings and plans tangling inside him with the wine. Jester’s stories just added to the mess, and the drow wondered briefly who was in fact guiding this conversation, and to what end.

"You know, I always told myself that I would never let the same thing that happened to my parents happen to me." Essek was brought back to Jester to realize that she too was watching Caleb. Her tone was quieter now, more serious, but she didn't turn to look at Essek. 

"It was just so stupid, to let someone you love so much go because you were scared of them not liking you back, or scared of not being who you think you should be, you know? But then I almost did the same thing with Fjord. I almost lost him because I was too afraid that I wasn't as experienced as Avantika, or as pretty as my momma, or some stupid shit like that. And he almost did the same thing. He told me that afterwards, when he wasn’t as scared anymore.” 

Her profile was so serious, still looking ahead at Caleb and then at the half-orc who was clearly putting on his best to impress his mother-in-law, and suddenly she seemed much wiser and older than the Jester who pranks people for fun and draws dicks everywhere.

“But then, when we were going to Aeor and it started to feel like we could die at any moment, I guess that Fjord realized that nothing's for sure, you know? That's when he came to my room and asked if he could kiss me." She looked down, uncharacteristic demure and blushing at the memory. Essek felt torn between smiling at his friend and looking away to respect her privacy. Before he could decide, she looked up at him, bright eyed and earnest.

"I learned after a while that loving someone is very scary, Essek. We get so scared of what the other person will think, because rejection sucks so much and we feel like we might die if they don't love us back. But not saying anything is even worse, because then you miss out on so many beautiful things you could have. It's the scariest thing I've ever done, but it's the most rewarding too. I'm pretty sure that my momma and my dad would tell you the same if they could. Keeping all this love to yourself only makes you more miserable. So don't hold back, ok? Even if you're too scared to say something, just staying close enough to share that love helps. And who knows, maybe one day the other person might realize that they don't have as much time as they thought and then they'll completely surprise you with a confession of their own. The only way to be sure of what other people are thinking is asking them. Never forget that, ok?" 

She smiled sweetly at him, as if she hadn't just put his worst fears into words right there in the same room as his friends and his… and Caleb. He opened his mouth to say something but couldn't find anything to say. His face must look completely open because whatever she saw in there, Jester took it as a sign of enough confirmation to satisfy her. She patted his leg and got up with a light 'just something to think about' and went back to her conversation with her mother like nothing happened.

Another few seconds went by until Essek noticed his mouth was still open and his hand was still midair, as if frozen in the middle of an argument, so he resumed drinking his wine while turning Jester's words in his head. She was right, this was the scariest thing he ever had to go through in his life. Forget betraying his country, forget facing an undead city in the Astral Sea or fighting one of the most dangerous archmages in the continent. This feeling, this realization that one word, one wrong reaction from Caleb would completely destroy him, this was the scariest thing ever. He thought he was hiding it well enough, but apparently not. Apparently they thought that he was the one misunderstanding things. Was he misunderstanding the situation?

Maybe it was time to start listening to his friends for once. Maybe he could afford a little more time with them after all. Just a little bit. Enough to try and understand what they were trying to show him while he figured out his next steps. Maybe he could try a little bit of courage for once. Maybe…

He finished his wine and took in his surroundings again. Nearly everyone was engrossed in a story Marion was telling them. Caleb was lightly snoring in his chair. He would most certainly regret his position when he woke up. Maybe Essek could help out a bit. It's what friends do, after all.

He got up and walked across the room. He could feel the others looking at him and trying to be subtle about it, so he tried his best to ignore them. With a gentle shake on the human’s shoulder, he managed to wake Caleb up and nudge him from his chair, offering to help him back to his room. Kingsley loudly joked about not tiring Caleb too much, but Essek firmly ignored him and brought his friend down the stairs to his room, then helped with the covers once he saw that the other was barely awake enough to take off his boots. 

He heard Caleb mumble a 'thank you' before becoming completely unconscious and the drow softly murmured 'good night' back at him. 

Jester was right, it was terrifying to love someone. And his fear of rejection, of not being enough, was too much to do anything about now. He watched Caleb's sleeping figure, his hair nearly loose from its tie, spreading on the sheets. His face was so calm, free of its usual wrinkles of worry and pain. He would never be enough, but maybe he could offer what little he had to make things better for his friends. Maybe he could hope for a little bit. Or at least pretend.

Essek was not so sure about anything anymore.

Chapter Text

When Caleb woke up the next day, curled on his side like always, his heart was a little lighter than the day before. His friends were there, they were happy, and Essek was not going to flee without at least giving notice in advance. He even allowed Caleb to openly cling to him during their shopping trip, which was a good thing since the ginger was not so sure he felt confident enough to let Essek out of his sight for long. So he needed some bit of reassurance, so what? He just came back from the dead, he could be a little clingy if he needed, right? (he still cringed a bit at the memory either way, feeling too childish)

He had a plan for what he wanted to do the day before, a decision made after a terrible day back to the land of the living, his body still so tired and weak. He wasn’t afraid of dying and never coming back. On some very dark days, he actually wished for it. After what he did in Aeor, that would be the only way he would ever see his parents again, and sometimes the grief the thought was behind him took him by surprise. It was like losing them all over again, but this time he didn’t break. He wished he could say it was all thanks to his growth, but he knew it was in part thanks to the company he kept, and the reasoning given to him moments before.

He turned in bed to lay on his back, still comfortable under the very nice sheets of the Lavish Chateau, and rested an arm over his forehead with a sigh. Even the ceiling of this place had beautiful designs made of white plaster, adorning the unnecessarily complicated chandelier and the corners where the ceiling met the walls. What a difference from that cold, dark place they were not even a week before, preparing to spend even more time exploring.

For weeks now, Caleb replayed Essek’s words to him on that day, how certain the drow was of his choice to keep his mistakes instead of risking even greater ones trying to fix it. Instead of losing his friends. He was right, in the end. Even if Caleb’s plan worked, who knew what would happen to this reality? There were too many variables to account for, and the universe does not play nice. Any unplanned consequence might have made everything so much worse. He knew that. Still, his chest felt hollow whenever he thought too much about the image of his last chance turning into ashes under his hands. 

No, best not dwell on it too much. He rubbed his face with both hands, in an attempt to physically push the train of thought away. He was in a happy moment, in a happy place now. With his friends. He had something to do before he would even consider any darker corners of his mind, he owed this to himself.

It was a simple plan, after all. He was undeniably in love. He was tired of pretending otherwise. And dying without at least letting the other know left a bitter taste in his mouth. He deserved at least this much after all he’s done to atone. 

So it was rather simple: just get Essek alone somewhere safe and tell him. Let him know there are no expectations, no reciprocation needed besides his friendship, but if he needed some time apart to feel less perturbed then fine, Caleb could give him that. All he needed was to keep Essek’s friendship, to be able to help him. To see him grow into the man they all believe him to be. He should have done the same with Jester, really, but he couldn’t take her looking at him with pity at the time, and she’s too happy with Fjord now to go stirring any pots. 

It was too late for that with Jester, and now he would forever feel like he’s keeping a secret from his family, the only group of people he wouldn’t hide anything from. He felt like he was cheating on his friends with that bit of hidden information, even if those feelings have already changed, developed into a more platonic kind of love. He still loved her, of course. He would probably always love her, like he still loved Astrid and Eadwulf. But this was a different category of love; it was the love he knew would only ever live inside him, wishing the others happiness without his participation. It was more bitter than sweet sometimes, but that's how things are with him. Nothing to be done about it. But he had a chance to avoid that with Essek, and needed to take it. The drow wizard was an incredibly intelligent man, he would certainly understand Caleb’s reasoning, his need to put it all out in the open. No more secrets. 

There was a time when Caleb entertained the fantasy of simply seducing the man, to see if it was just his loneliness and physical attraction being mistaken by love, something that would dissipate once the itch was scratched. Whenever Essek flirted back he felt a thrill like no other. Even his casting did things to Caleb that made him blush a bright red if he admired it for too long. 

But it didn’t take long for him to notice that Essek was a rather reserved person. He wasn’t the type to just have a tryst. Some of the Nein were even skeptic if Essek ever engaged in sexual activities at all. It was really a toss coin at this point. Beau was of the opinion that the drow was too uptight and probably didn’t even have his first kiss yet. Veth was team “calm waters run deep” and was adamant that behind that cool exterior there was a kink freak with possibly a sex dungeon hidden in his tower. Both sounded incredibly attractive to Caleb either way, so he refrained from choosing sides. 

He knew there was sexual tension there. He wasn’t so oblivious to the point of not noticing that his desire was reciprocated. But desire is one thing, feelings are another. Essek has shown him friendship, yes, and trust. But Caleb wouldn’t hope for anything beyond that.

He was getting sidetracked again. Right, talk to Essek. That was the plan. Easy to do, two steps only, he already knew exactly what he wanted to say. But.

But he was still a mess. Essek was also a mess. Was it even fair to throw this on his lap when they had so much to work on still? What if he got scared and broke his word to Caleb? What if he just disappeared one night? Essek still had the amulet against scrying (they all did, but some of them took it off after his former master was arrested). If he fled it would be almost impossible to find him. It was still too dangerous for the former Shadowhand to go alone. 

What if he felt used, or betrayed? What if he thought that all this time, Caleb helped him only to try and take advantage when he was at his most fragile moment? That thought alone made him nauseated. He sat up to keep his stomach from revolting too much. 

His door was closed this time, the sounds from outside muffled and distant, the corridor dark in comparison to his room, where sunlight filtered through light curtains that moved to the wind. Nicodranas was warm enough that leaving the windows open was better than suffocating on a hot bedroom, and the Chateau was safe enough that no one would dare to try and enter through it. Besides, Caleb liked waking up with the rising sun, enjoying the presence of the star he barely got a glimpse of when below hundreds of meters of snow and rock. So he always left them open, with just the semi-translucent white curtains closed to give the barest hint of privacy.

Sighing heavily, he got up and started to dress for breakfast. His mind supplied it was still early, only 7:14, so he had good chances of having his first meal by himself. He needed to find his courage.

—------------

Three days later, Caleb could not yet find enough courage to put his plan to work. 

He had ample opportunity during that time too. Essek had gone with him and Jester to another two shopping trips, the last one ending in Caleb deciding that he had no rush in finding his new book holster now that he knew how to use wrist pocket (that Essek kindly taught him the first day they talked after his resurrection). 

After that was decided, they spent most of their time inside the Chateau (for safety), locked in a cramped table in Essek’s room once he invited Caleb to study their findings from Aeor with him. 

Going back into their easy collaboration made them both feel better, the drow smiling a little easier than the last few days, their speech accelerating to keep up with the velocity of their thoughts. Finishing each other’s sentences and ideas. He almost blurted everything out twice now, after a particularly exciting moment, looking into violet eyes creased with laughter, trying desperately to not stare at enticing lips stretched into a wide grin, fangs peeking out. But twice now he lost his nerve at the last second. The doubts were still too loud in his head, the fear of rejection still too much. Coward.

During lunch on the third day, Jester sheepishly told them that Beau, Yasha and Caduceus would be joining them for an impromptu Mighty Nein reunion between that night (if the wizards had teleport memorized that day) or the next day (if they needed time to memorize it). Essek looked horrified.

“Jester, I don’t think it’s the best time for this…”

“But Cayleb , I had no choice!! Once I told Beau you died she was so pissed that she wasn’t here to bring you back, I had to offer her something!”

“Why did you even tell her that?? Of course she would be angry, that’s why I wasn’t planning on telling her anything!”

Jester leveled him with a look that told Caleb he was about to regret his words. She rarely used that annoyed stare, and whenever she did the effect was equally comical and a bit terrifying.

“Not tell Beau?? Are you kidding me, Caleb? You DIED, and then you wanted us to, what? Pretend nothing happened? She’s my friend too, of course I was going to tell her!”

“Letting her know serves no purpose besides getting her upset. There was nothing she could do here to help, no need for her to worry about me this time.” This was the most logical option. He knew that. But he should have guessed by now that nothing the Nein did was logical.

“She would be upset either way, Caleb. But I’m sure she would not feel so hurt if you didn’t try to hide things from her again.” Fjord, sitting by his side on the table, put a hand on his shoulder in a friendly manner, as if trying to instill his words through touch as well. 

“Just… let her chew you out a bit when she gets here, then say you’re sorry and move on. You know she’ll only get worse if you don’t talk to her.” His crooked smirk deflated Caleb’s anger and he let the protests die inside. No wonder these two worked so well together. Between Jester’s charm and Fjord’s charisma it was nearly impossible to contradict them. It didn’t help that the half-orc was unfairly handsome.

Caleb allowed his shoulders to slump in defeat and sigh his resignation. He gave Essek a side eye and a small ‘I’m sorry’ smile before facing the blue tiefling again. Essek looked less terrified, but still at least one shade paler from fear.

“Fine, whatever. It’s done anyway, there is no point in continuing to explain my perfectly logical plan now.” Jester blew him a raspberry and he gave a little chuckle in response.

“But why is Caduceus coming too? I understand why Yasha might come, she at least can help to keep her wife from strangling me to death. But Caduceus is in the Grove, and he doesn’t seem like the type that would be angry about late news.”

“Welllll… I mean, we will already have everyone here anyway, it seemed rude to just keep Duceus out. Besides, I’m sure he would looove to have a talk or two with you about not dying, even if he isn’t mad at you.” Jester winked at him and Caleb knew he would have a lot of explaining to do very soon. Oh great.

—-------------

Since only Essek had teleport memorized that day, Caleb was allowed a few more hours of peace of mind while Jester and Marion insisted on closing the whole place for the next night, so the Nein could gather without issue. 

The manager of the house wasn’t happy, especially since Marion had just come back from her vacation, but he knew better than to try and go against the wishes of the Ruby. And, once she announced that she would be paying twice the regular fee of the day for all employees to take a night off, there was no arguing the idea. Bluud, as always, would stay by Marion’s side, but that was it. Caleb tried offering his Tower for the occasion, but the Lavorre’s insisted they wanted to host, so that was the end of it.

After making sure everything was in place (and badgering Caleb to confirm he did indeed memorize the teleport spell that day), there was nothing else to do but go fetch the remaining members of their weird family. Jester came back from the kitchen door into the main space, where they were all gathered for the festivities, and made a beeline to the wizards.

“Ok, ok, ok. So the kitchen says everything is done, we just need to take things from there whenever we want to eat, and I’m pretty sure Caduceus will want to do something on his own. Now, who goes where? We need one of you to go pick up Caduceus, and another to go pick the girls.”

“I’ll go get Caduceus”, Caleb supplied immediately. Just because he couldn’t hide from Beauregard didn’t mean he had to start it early. Essek was startled for a second from his energetic response, but quickly recovered and huffed a small laugh at him. Kingsley not-so-subtly coughed ‘coward’ nearby, causing Jester and Fjord to giggle. Caleb couldn't care less. Better face his empire sister in a safe environment, after all teleportation is done and both healers are around.

“Alright, I will get Beauregard and Yasha then. I’ll return in a few minutes.”

With that, both casters blinked out of Nicodranas, leaving nothing but arcane power leftover behind.

—-------------------------

Fetching Caduceus was rather simple. He blinked into existence in the Grove, breathing in the strange welcoming smells of wildlife, and promptly found the firbolg by the door to his home, calmly talking to his little sister. 

Once he spotted Caleb, Caduceus finished his goodbyes and met the wizard halfway there. They hugged for a bit and Caleb took him back to the party.

His part done, Caleb had a few more minutes of respite while they waited for Essek to return. Apparently they were taking a bit longer because Yasha couldn’t decide if she should bring a sword with her, just in case. Caleb tried hard to ignore the anxiety souring his stomach with worry by downing a shot of whisky as surreptitiously as possible (though he was pretty sure that at least Caddy saw him do it).

Turns out there was no need to worry, because not two minutes later Essek and his two friends blinked into the saloon and Beau immediately turned around until she could zoom in on Caleb.

“YOU DECEIVING, GODSDAMN SELF SACRIFICING BASTARD!” She stomped in his direction while her voice boomed in the wide space. He only had time to wince before she got to him, crossing a few meters of distance with the speed only monks could achieve, and crushed him into the tightest hug he ever received. Caleb could feel his whole body constricting and the air leaving his lungs, and tried weakly to maneuver his forearms (the only part of him that still had movement besides his legs) to awkwardly pat her back. 

“You asshole! You don’t get to die like this and not let me know or try to help, do you hear me? We’ve been through this, dammit, we always talk things through together!” 

He knew he would have bruises on him later, but he let her hold him a little tighter and tried his best to hide a squeak of pain. The shoulder where she buried her face in was wet with tears, and her voice was wavering with it. His heart broke for his adopted sister then. He truly did not want to make her suffer, but it seems like he kept failing at it. Once her hold softened enough to let air back into his lungs, he finally managed to answer her.

“Alright, alright. Next time I die I will do my best to let you know, ok?” His monotone voice was supposed to give away the joke, but instead of laughing she dropped the hug to hold him by the shoulders and glare from an arm’s distance.

“No. No more dying, do you hear me? And no more unnecessarily risking your life either. We didn’t go through all that shit with the Assembly just so you could get killed trying to impress your boyfriend, I don’t care how hot he is.” She poked hard at his chest, punctuating her words with much more force than necessary.

He tried so hard, he did, but his cursed ginger complexion immediately gave away his embarrassment, turning his whole face and ears into crimson red. How his old master ever thought he would make a decent spy with such a huge tell was completely beyond Caleb. He was too damn easy to read. Before he even had a chance to defend himself, though, Beau had already brushed the evidence of tears out with the heel of her hands and pivoted until she found her next target, and marched towards Essek, loudly calling out to him.

“Speaking of which… Hey, hot boy! We need to have some words, you and I.”

Caleb watched as his poor terrified friend backed away but ended up having the monk with a firm arm over his shoulders, guiding him into a secluded corner. He could see his sister hissing something at Essek and tried hard to keep track, but suddenly his view was blocked by a wide torso covered in black leather, and a large hand gently rested on his shoulder. He felt a wave of warmth wash over him, sensing the faint smell of rain and the crackling of electricity around him as his bruises disappeared.

“There, that should help you feel better.” A very soothing and quiet voice came from above, and Caleb looked up to smile at his dear introverted friend. 

“Thank you, Yasha. I’m glad to see you again.”

“You too, Caleb.” She offered a small smile in return, and paused for a second before continuing.

“I’m glad you’re alive again, and well. We were both very worried when Jester told us the news.”

Caleb couldn’t help his guilt bubbling up again, and rubbed his neck trying to dispel the insistent pink that tinted his face.

“Ach, I know. I’m sorry for not telling you before, I just didn’t want to make you worry over what was already fixed. But I’ll keep you on the loop if anything happens again, I promise.”

He peeked up in time to see Yasha’s smile widen just a bit, but the steel in her eyes only grew.

“You better. Because if you ever make my wife cry like that again I will kill you myself, understood?”

The calm way she delivered her threat only made it worse. Caleb knew all too well that she meant every single word of it, and loudly gulped before nodding his understanding. He knew he looked terrified and made no attempt to hide it, it was better if she knew how serious he was as well.

“Uh… u-understood.”

“Good. Now let's celebrate you two being back and in good health.” In a blink of an eye, the deadly image of the barbarian gave way to the loving and gentle giant, Yasha’s smile now genuinely happy as she stepped aside to reach for a drink on the table behind Caleb and go back to their friends. Caleb stayed behind a bit longer, shaking away the last bits of the effect the two women left on him.

—-------------------

Many drinks later, Caleb has found himself again sitting in a corner of the space, slightly buzzed and watching his friends dance and enjoy each other. Veth and Yeza still traded heated looks and stood too close for what the song required. Caleb couldn’t help but feel a mixture of fondness for the happiness his friend found and a bit of jealousy for the life he would never have. He wanted to have children of his own once, before the Academy and all the horrors. He couldn’t bear the thought of constituting a family now. He’d rather just enjoy the company of his friend’s children and maybe someday students instead of risking passing on the darker parts of himself to another being.

Besides, it’s not like he had offers for partners at the moment. The only one he let himself indulge in thinking about during lonely nights was such a complicated matter that even considering a relationship now would be a lot, let alone include kids in the picture. Still, a part of him couldn't help but wonder how cute a little half-drow would look like.

The drow in question had been strangely gone for a part of the night, talking with Beau about something. When he reappeared, he looked stricken. He managed to pretend well enough quickly after, but the human was used to his little details now, and noticed that his ears were not as perked up as they usually were when he was excited about something. Maybe Caleb wasn’t the only one to notice, though, because Jester pestered him long enough to convince Essek to dance with her, asking him to teach her Dynasty steps to different rhythms until his posture finally relaxed and his smile became more like his own.

During one of the transitions between songs, Veth must have finally tired Yeza enough, because suddenly she was sitting right next to Caleb, her husband nowhere in sight.

“Oh my, I keep forgetting I’m not as young as I was. Three dances and I’m beat!”

She did look a bit breathless, but Caleb doubted that three dances would be enough to tire the retired rogue. He knew better than to underestimate the hafling woman.

“Veth Brenatto, for a woman of subterfuge, you are a very bad liar. Where is your husband now?” He gave her a crooked smile before looking around for said husband on the floor.

“Oh alright, it was Yeza who got tired. But don’t tell him that, I don’t want him to think he’s less than for it, ok? He went to get us drinks.” She pointed with her chin to the table, where Yeza was chatting quietly with Yasha, two drinks in hand.

“It will be our little secret then,” he turned back to her with a wink. “How did you two manage to leave Luc back? Are you not afraid he will wreak havoc while you are gone?”

“We left him with our neighbors. They have a little boy about his age and the two are thick as thieves lately. He was so excited for a slumber party that I doubt he’ll even notice us gone from the house.”

“Ah, that’s very good. Good to know he hasn’t been able to outsmart his parents… yet.”

Veth snorted loudly at that.

“Have no fear, it won’t be long before the little rascal is running circles around us. Yeza is already showing some white hairs with worry!” Anyone else might say this with worry, but Veth nearly glowed with pride for her son. Caleb could feel his own chest filled with warm pride and love for the little hafling. He would be a menace someday.

“So, what about you, Lebby? When are you going to finally stop stringing that one along and do something about your little crush?”

The change in subject was so abrupt it actually gave Caleb a whiplash. One second he was staring at the ground thinking about Luc, the other he was staring at his friend while trying to figure out how to respond to her prodding around his business. But then again, no one could ever accuse Veth of subtlety. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” He lied easily and schooled his face to show no emotion. That was such an easy reaction he barely had to think about it. Old dogs and tricks, etc. He knew she would not buy it, but it could at least give him a few seconds to think.

“Don’t bullshit me, Caleb. We went through this already. The danger is over, the threat looming over all of us is gone. What are you waiting for? You went all the way to Aeor for your wizard flirting shit and then come back without so much as a kiss to show for it? Why aren’t you the one dancing with him now, or - gods, forbid - making out in a corner somewhere?”

He looked at the couple still dancing some safe distance away from them. The two people he fell in love with, laughing and dancing together like the close friends they are, neither of them having no idea how he felt. His feelings for Jester may have changed, but the twinge of guilt still pulled at his gut. He didn’t want to have this conversation here, but, knowing Veth, he would not have a choice in the matter. Oh well. He sighed and focused back on the ground.

“I thought you didn’t like him for me. You were strangely focused on Astrid for a while, and we could hear you screaming at him from across the wall easily when I came back. What changed?”

“Pff,” she swatted at his shoulder with a little too much strength, forcing him to look back at her face, to see her eyes open and honest, even if her voice was light. “You know I don’t hate him. I mean, yeah, I was mad at him for a while, and it took me some time to let go of the thought of him interrogating my husband in that horrible place. But we actually talked about it once. He says that even though he can’t be sure what was done to Yeza, he wasn’t the one personally interrogating him, so I guess it’s not so bad? And anyway, Yeza is the one who has a say in it, and he seems fine now.”

They both glanced back at Yeza, now sitting down on a chair next to Yasha, listening intently to her talk. He did seem happy, and as far as Caleb can tell, didn’t seem skittish whenever Essek was around. One less thing to worry about then.

Veth broke the silence between them again. “Besides, even if I did think that Astrid was better for you - which I’m not so sure anymore, now that she’s taken Ickythong’s place - I’m not the one who has to decide. And you seem pretty sure of your choice anyway, so… I’m just trying to help you here, Caleb. You know that all I want is for you to be happy. If he’s the one that makes you happy, then by all means, go chase him! Take that squishy drow back to your tower and go get freaky with him! Just do something , because we’re all tired of watching you two pine for each other like teenagers for no good reason.”

Another sigh, longer and heavier this time. He loved his friends, but they could be incredibly dense and annoying sometimes.

“Veth, you know it’s not that simple. The danger is gone for us, but not for him. He still has to deal with the threat of torture and death everyday, and I… I’m not so sure as you all seem to be about this. All flirting aside, I’m still just a human with a shitty past and unknown future. I’ll be dead long before he reaches half of his lifespan. It’s not fair to just throw more problems at him right now.”

She turned to him dead serious, and jabbed a pointed finger to his chest, a repetition to Beau’s reaction earlier that night. He was going to get a bruise if this trend kept going.

“You, Caleb Widogast, are not a problem. Or a nuisance or something to be dealt with. You are a wonderful person who did incredible things, and I never want to see you put yourself as less than what you are, do you hear me?”

He just nodded to confirm, not looking at her. This was a discussion they had too many times for him to try and refute now. Besides, he was trying to be better at accepting compliments. The nodding was enough to smooth Veth’s ruffled feathers for now, and she continued in a softer tone.

“Now, I know that he’s going to live a very long life, but that is not your problem, it’s his. If getting with a human is not his thing, then it’s his loss. But it’s his decision to make. If you want him, then you deserve to go after him. And, I’m not an expert in Dynasty rich people, but you ask anyone in this room and they will all tell you that that man over there” she pointed straight at Essek on the dancefloor, thankfully oblivious to her gesture “is completely in love with you. Like, ridiculously so. It’s actually kinda cute, if you ask me.” She did give him a genuine smile now, successfully breaking through the fog of self doubt and hate that threatened to cloud Caleb’s mind and putting a smile on his lips too.

“I… I’ll think about it, Veth. I promise.” He added when she started to argue again. She huffed at that, but let it go.

“Fine. But don’t wait too long. That one was a fucking mess when he saw you die, and I don’t know how long it will take until he convinces himself again that he is not welcome with us. I swear to all gods, he’s as stubborn as you.”

They both laughed and she hugged him fiercely, as she always did, telling him how much she loved him and how proud she was. He held her tight and told her, as he always did, how much he loved her and how happy he was for her. Once they parted she stood again.

“Well, my duty here is done then. Now let me get back to my husband, I need to take him home before he gets too sleepy for sex.” Caleb groaned at her, still uncomfortable with how she always told the Nein way too much information on her sex life, but she just shushed him. “Hey, when you are married and have kids, you take as many chances as possible to do the deed. Because let me tell you, they are very slim!”

She turned around to go to Yeza, who was now clearly fighting to keep his eyes open, but perked up once she got to his side and whispered in his ear, the two of them quickly saying their goodbyes and leaving the Chateau.

He looked again at the space around him. Yasha gave him a little salute with her cup where she was sitting by the table with drinks. Beauregard and Kingsley were bickering while playing cards, while Caduceus and Fjord had a calm conversation next to them. Marion was talking with Jester and Essek across the space from him, all smiles and charm. Essek looked wonderful, as always. Poised and well dressed, even without his usual mantle and sporting simple dark blue trousers and a light gray shirt that flowed easily as he moved, but funneling on his forearms into long slim fit, a row of pearl buttons keeping it in place. He must have been staring, because Essek caught him looking and smiled a bit demurely at him, then turned back to the conversation.

Well, Veth was right in one thing. He could enjoy himself a little bit more now, and what harm could it be in doing it in the company of a friend?

Counting on the alcohol in his veins for the little bit of courage he needed, he got up and walked straight to the trio. Marion saw him first, since Jester had her back to him, and Essek suddenly seemed intensely interested in the subject. He entered their space right next to the drow, but kept his eyes on the Ruby.

“Hello there, Caleb. Are you enjoying yourself tonight?”

“Very much so, Ms. Lavor-err, Marion.” She didn’t need more than a serious look for the human to correct himself by now. “In fact, I came here with the intention of enjoying the night a bit more, if the two of you won’t mind.”

Then, finally turning to Essek with a small bow and an extended hand, “Would you have a dance with me?”

Essek’s eyes were as wide as saucers, his pretty mouth hanging open in surprise. Caleb tried to hide the smile, but it showed in his face anyway. He could see in the corner of his vision Jester’s shadow gesticulating wildly behind him, and Essek finally got himself under control again.

“I would like that very much.” He mirrored Caleb’s smile as he took the offered hand, and turned to excuse himself to the others, but was cut short by Jester.

“No no, we definitely don’t mind, right mamma? You two go dance and have fun, go on!” And then made shooing motions with her hands while Marion gave them a self-satisfied smile.

“Ah… alright then, thank you.” Essek replied weakly while Caleb just smiled at them and started to drag his friend into the dancefloor, though the drow complied easily enough.

He positioned Essek as the leading part and asked him to teach him a few steps of the Xhorhasian fashion, like he did with Jester. It made it easier to put the drow at ease and focused on them instead of the rest of the Nein - which he was sure was not so subtly watching them. It also made the drow look at him with a fondness that left his heart beating too fast for the slow song playing in the amplified box of music Marion had. 

But eventually they managed to get into rhythm, standing a bit too far for Caleb’s taste, as it seems to be the way in Dynasty court. Still, he was close enough to catch the details of Essek’s face, the way his eyes wrinkle ever so faintly when his smile grows, the unintentional peek of a fang when he huffs a laugh, the little bits of blue and silver in his violet eyes, the way his ears were finally back up in the position that showed him the most relaxed and happy. 

The way that, even though drow apparently ran much colder than humans, every point of contact of skin in their joined hands sent bolts of electricity through Caleb’s arm to puddle and swirl in the pit of his stomach. He was sure his ears were pink, but really, there was nothing to be done by that. If Essek noticed, he never mentioned it.

Caleb cleared his throat, not because he needed that to get Essek’s attention, but trying his best to not show how even this proximity affected him.

“Are you ok?” When snow white brows wrinkled in confusion, he expanded-

“I saw Beau chewing your head off earlier when she got here. I tried to intervene, but Yasha kept me in my spot so there was nothing to be done.” He shrugged a bit, apologetically.

“Ah, that. Yes, these two are rather hard to push against when they put their minds to it. I don’t fault you for not being able to pass through Yasha, though I appreciate the thought.” He kept his small smile on, but his eyes were back to the floor now, watching their feet do the work.

“Still, you seemed to come out of it a bit worried. I hope she didn’t try to bully you into anything because of my carelessness.” That brought his eyes back up to Caleb, startled before he seemed to remember why Beau was mad at them both in the first place. Caleb wanted to kick himself for bringing the damn subject back.

“No, nothing like that. Though she did have a few choice words on the matter.” He gave a little laugh at that, and lifted a bit of the human’s guilt. “She did not bully me into anything, though, no. Rather, she had, ah, news. From my old land.”

That sobered them both up quickly. Caleb knew that Essek was constantly worried about the Queen discovering his treason, and how close he believed her to do so. They had kept constant communication via sending during Ikithon’s trial, and when it was all done and Caleb asked if Essek would like to join him in a second expedition into Aeor, his friend was desperate for an excuse to leave Vurmas. 

They ended up planning that Caleb would wait for him at one of the least used and known entrances while Essek left orders ready and posted one of the most trusted people there to take his place ‘temporarily’ while he would ‘visit one of the most secure spots of Aeor to verify some new findings and be back in 4 days’. They hoped that would give them enough time to put some space between them and any search party that would possibly go look for the Shadowhand once he didn’t come back. They hoped that would be enough to put Essek as presumed dead, and his sins buried with him. They hadn’t discussed yet what Essek hoped to do afterwards.

A chill ran down Caleb’s spine as his mind raced with the implications of that sentence.

“Oh?” was all his brilliant mind could come up with at the moment. 

Essek sighed heavily, but kept his eyes trained on Caleb’s and his feet following the dance.

“Yes. Apparently Dairon still has some good connections in court, and has been informed that the Queen requested a full investigation into my work as Shadowhand. They did pass on to Beau that even though I am believed to be lost to the ruins, there is an apparent worry that I might be reborn soon, and the crown is unusually interested in my life choices until it happens.”

Essek’s hands were even colder than usual now, but he forced a loud exhale in an attempt to compose himself and smile again.

“So it seems that, even though my treason might have been found out, at least they are not actively searching for a live drow… yet. Which is better news than what I expected.”

Caleb squeezed the hand on his in a soothing manner, wishing he could convey with a simple touch just how much he appreciated this wonderful being in his arms. How much he wished he could protect Essek from any harm, even if he did cause the reason for it.

“You know, I am always amazed at how well you manage to keep yourself in check. I know for a fact that if our roles were reversed, I would not be able to handle it the same way.”

Now Essek did huff a laugh, even if a deprecating one.

“I am good at pretending, is all. I assure you that inside, I am terrified. I am running out of options and must find a safe path forward if I wish to stick around long enough to compensate for all my sins.”

“Well, we will find it together then. You do not lack help or resources, my friend. Not with the Nein at your side.”

Now the dancing did stop, and Caleb felt keenly the loss of Essek’s hands on his waist and hand as he took a step away, serious and not meeting his eyes again.

“Caleb… I can’t put you in danger. The longer I stay around–”

“The longer you stay around, the safer you are. Essek,” and the redhead pushed forward, taking that lovely face between his hands to make his companion look at him. “You are our friend, one of us now. And we will not let you get taken. We will help you, no matter what. Letting you face the Dynasty alone, it is out of the question. We will not leave you.”

He watched the transformation in Essek’s face as a variety of thoughts and feelings rushed through him. In the end he kept a pained but defeated expression as he covered one of Caleb’s hands with his own.

“I do not deserve this, Caleb. And I can’t live with myself if one of you gets hurt on my account. It’s not fair.”

“Nothing in this world is fair, mein freund . But I’m sorry to say, you are stuck with me - with us - until the end. Once you are in the Mighty Nein, you are in. No take backs.”

He still looked pained, but managed a smile again. “You are indeed very stubborn. All of you.”

“Yes, we are. And tomorrow we can plan this out with everyone. Now come, let me show you the steps of one of my homeland’s dances.”

He took the leading position now, showing where Essek had to rest his own hands, and making sure to stay much closer this time. If their position was a bit closer than what traditional Zenmian dances required, well, Essek would never know. 

They couldn’t really face each other now, not without bumping their noses and nearly kissing, so they kept cheek to cheek, and the only signs of discomfort Caleb could gleam from the other were physical ones, like the way his whole body tensed when Caleb pulled him close, or the ticklish twitch of his ear against Caleb’s face. The previous feeling of electricity this time was heightened by the increase of points of contact, making the wizard hyper aware of his own body and how much Essek could gleam from it.

There was absolutely no way Essek could not feel his own face getting hot now, but at least that could be attributed to the more vigorous dance. 

He murmured the steps to Essek and gave him little compliments when he got the dance and matched the rhythm. Essek’s ears flicked a bit more at that, and Caleb hid his smile behind his partner’s shoulders, lest one of his friends decide to call out his obvious move.

In the end, the Nein seemed to give them a bit of respite, and both managed to dance for a few more songs without interruption, until the party finally started to die down and go to bed. Caleb begrudgingly let his dance partner go to find Beau before she went to bed, and request a meeting the next day. It didn’t take much for her to understand why and agree to it. When he turned around, Essek had already gone to his quarters as well, and Marion gave him an apologetic shrug and smile as she took the music box away with her.

With his friends all going to sleep, there was very little for him to do but do the same, though sleep did not come until much much later, finding his skin still burning with the electricity the dance left in him.

Chapter Text

Trancing was nearly impossible that night. Essek kept replaying their dance and their conversation over and over in his head, his whole body tingling with the physical memory of their contact.

He felt like a freaking teenager again, except the first time he was a teenager, things weren’t this intense. What was it about Caleb that made him so godsdamn receptive??

His mind supplied him again with snippets of moments of the night. Caleb’s hand, so much bigger than his own, pulling him close and resting on his lower back. The heat of his body radiating through his clothes and Essek’s own. There were so few layers between them. Without his usual mantle and Caleb’s coat, they were both wearing nothing but blouses and pants. And the dance! The man kept them so close together they had to slot each other’s legs between them to avoid stepping on toes, their faces resting against each other like lovers. If he danced like that in the Queen’s court it would be the scandal of the week. It was too intimate, too close a thing to romance to be done in front of the Queen and the Umavis. 

His whole face burned with the memory and he covered his face to hide it, even though he was alone in his bedroom.

Not that sex was taboo in his culture. Drow actually had a very laid back policy with it and relationship configurations. When you live as long as they did, and then come back for multiple lives, it is really not uncommon to think that any kind of desire and feelings are normal. As long as all parties are comfortable, anything is game. But doing it and showing are two very different things. And showing such carnal needs in front of the most elevated, perfect souls of the country is just crass. There is absolutely no need to give into base desires in public, especially not when one is supposed to strive to become a perfect soul, as close to the Luxon as possible.

And Essek was… well, he supposes he was always different in that regard. He never really understood the appeal of it all, and when he reached the age of hormones and interest in sex, he couldn’t see what the fuss was all about. So he approached it in the same way he did all things: with a scholar’s mind and scientific methodology.

First, he determined the parameters. Which kind of people interested him? He supposed it was the male kind, since they were always the ones catching his attention. But a true scientist always double checks, so he made sure to try out female drow for comparison. After kissing one that showed interest in him in one of the neverending balls, he confirmed his theory. Women were definitely not his type, so he would stick to men. 

Next, refine the parameters. Obviously just any men would not do, so he needed to find out which type attracted him the most. Drow were an obvious choice, but he could easily see the appeal in other beings too. So race was not an issue. What really caught his attention was not physical appearance either, but intelligence. It didn’t take him long to figure that one out. If a person could not keep up with a stimulating conversation, then Essek would quickly become bored and disinterested.

With that in mind, he decided to try out his theories, put them to practice. The problem was, he was a prodigy, quickly surpassing his colleagues in school to learn more advanced subjects. He was also very private, rarely trusting others with his inner thoughts. So his pool of options thinned very quickly.

He began to question if this whole affair was even real. The way he heard his peers and brother talk about it, it was like sex was constantly on their minds. It was nearly all they wanted to talk about. Essek thought that must be exhausting, and therefore, impossible. No wonder he was considered a prodigy, he was putting his own time to good use instead of wasting it with such basic needs. But he knew his brother, and knew that Verin would never lie to him about such a thing. Tease, yes, incessantly. But never lie.

And Verin did seem to have a long string of lovers when they still lived with their Umavi. He was constantly getting caught trying to sneak someone in or out of the house, to the point where Deirta just gave up and asked the help to assist any of Verin’s visitors out of the house by the back door, where both the house and the person could keep their dignity by not being seen on the grounds at unseemingly hours. Surely Verin would not go to such lengths just to pretend interest in intercourse.

So he must be the one who’s different. Not that it was a bad thing, Essek couldn't care less about fitting in. He was already an outlier anyway, and when anamnesis did not occur and he was confirmed to be a new soul, his status as the golden boy only increased, creating an insurmountable chasm between himself and everyone else.

Still, his curious mind couldn’t help but wonder if he was missing out on something. He tried a house of pleasure once, to make sure, and even though the whole affair was pleasant, it was nothing special. The lack of intellectual interest and knowledge about the person with him only made it harder for him to respond physically, and the whole thing left him quite dissatisfied in the end. Not the worker’s fault, the poor man tried all the tricks in the book to please him. He was just… not into it.

He did have one relationship that almost made it, though. A cleric of the Luxon, of all people. Ristel was wicked smart, and with a wonderful sense of humor to boot. He caught Essek’s attention during a debate on religion between classes, and seeing a student of the clergy talk so openly about religious beliefs in a country that allowed no questioning of their god was incredibly refreshing. They spent hours discussing all kinds of subjects, including magic and history. Ristel wasn’t as interested in astronomy as Essek, but he listened intently to his ramblings and theories. 

Soon enough their friendship developed into something more, and even though Essek’s attraction to Ristel was much more pronounced than anything he ever felt before, it wasn’t as all consuming as it seemed to be for others. Still, he was fine with it. Ristel, on the other hand… 

The whole relationship lasted a little over a year, most of it consisting of Ristel complaining that Essek never had enough time for them to spend together, and even then he was never as interested in physical intimacy as his partner. He didn’t understand Essek’s drive for knowledge, his ambition. Ristel wanted a domestic life, not a partner that was constantly chasing the next best thing. Eventually he left, telling Essek that he needed more than what the mage could give him. It was as friendly a break-up as possible, even though it did break Essek’s heart at the time.

He now wondered where Ristel was. If he would mourn his supposed death. He hoped the other drow was finally happy.

After that, for many decades Essek was resigned to the idea of just not having partners anymore. It was too much of a hassle, and it only got in the way of his ambition. Once he became a traitor, his lack of partners turned into a matter of survival as well. No physical desire was worth getting caught. He was more than capable of dealing with that by himself anyway.

It was all under control, until a certain ginger wizard came into his life. A brilliant, funny, intense, curious, infuriatingly gentle and kind Empire wizard, who kept asking him for lessons, discussing his favorite topics with the same hunger for knowledge he had. Who kept touching him and flirting and looking at him fondly with those sky blue eyes, so filled with pain and passion.

He thought his interest was just because of the novelty, first. He was a human, and an Empire human at that. Of course Essek would be curious. He knew well that most of what he learned about them in the Dynasty was misleading propaganda, but he still wondered about the similarities between them, and how much of that propaganda was rooted in truth. He knew what the Empire said about drows, and though it was mostly gross misinterpretations of their kind and culture, there were true things buried beneath the garbage, so it stands to reason that the same could be said about his side.

But the more he came to know about Caleb, the more he realized that even if there was some fetish component involved on his part (and he was quickly losing ground on this theory), this was a very different human. And the closer they got, the more this particular human started to sneak his way into Essek’s carefully built walls. Before he knew it, he started to look forward to their time together, feeling more comfortable around Caleb and the Nein than he felt among his own people. When he realized what was really happening, it was already too late. The Mighty Nein had turned him into a friend, and he held this friendship closer to his heart than even his previous ambitions. How easy it was, in the end, to bring down the widely known cold and distant Shadowhand, and turn him into this new person he was still discovering.

He wanted to be worthy of these wonderful people. But most of all, he wanted to be worthy of Caleb, and the trust he put in Essek. He knew it was dangerous to stick around, that it would break him beyond repair if the Dynasty ever got their hands on any of his friends, but this selfish part of him couldn’t stop wishing for more time. More moments like this night, where he got to hold his friend close and feel his warmth and smell the magic and woodsmoke on his hair, and hear his Zemniam accent close to his ears… 

That thought alone made him shudder. Caleb was so close. He was nearly panicking when their chests touched, he was sure the human could feel his whole body tensing. He was too aware of everything, terrified of the idea of his body betraying him. When Caleb turned his head just a bit to teach him the steps to the dance, he barely managed to hear the words. Caleb’s mouth was too close to his temple, the ginger’s breath tickling the point of his elvish ear. Thank the Light he was using his ear cap at the moment, otherwise he would certainly not survive the embarrassment that would be his true reaction to that moment on his unprotected ear.

He never felt attraction like this before. While his former experiences had been enjoyable for the most part, he never burned for them the way he does for Caleb. He was never assaulted with memories and inappropriate thoughts in the most unbecoming moments the way he is now. He never fantasized about real people before. Whenever his body’s needs became too uncomfortable, he always preferred completely made up scenarios and imagined people. Now his fantasies were haunted by red hair, and pale, calloused hands. He hated himself for thinking of his friend in such a demeaning manner, but was helpless to avoid it. 

Sitting on his bed, Essek breathed deeply and accepted his defeat. He would not be able to trance while his body was still clearly pent up from the night. He would have to do something about it first.

—-----------------

When the torturous night was over, Essek finally joined the others for breakfast, and was informed that Beau called for a Mighty Nein meeting at dusk. Jester immediately sent a message to Veth to inform her (and confirm the hafling’s presence) and they all went about their own business.

Which, for Essek, was studying Aeor documents with Caleb. Thankfully the human acted completely normal and didn’t mention their dance, because Essek felt like he would combust on the spot if he had to think about it again (not to mention what happened after that, in that very room they occupied now. He could barely look Caleb in the eye for a moment).

Thanks to whatever it is that made him, they were soon engrossed by their study. The papers they found regarding that giant weird machinery were very detailed, and they were close enough to reverse engineer it to take all their focus into this one particular project for hours. The thing was apparently made to keep the beasts under control in case of an emergency, and the building they were in was a sort of quality control of the creations made, to ensure that all was as they were meant to be. It was all very interesting, and potentially useful, if they could find a way to turn it into a portable device, or a spell. Preferably one that would not deafen Essek again. 

They lost track of time (or at least Essek did, since Caleb always knew the time, in that damnable wonderful head of his) and didn’t realize it was time for their meeting until Beau knocked on the door, 

“Hey nerds, you better be dressed in there.” She poked her head inside without waiting for a reply. “Time for our meeting.”

Caleb rolled his eyes and smiled fondly at Essek for the joke, and he tried his best to keep his ears in place as he smiled back. After a few seconds of stretching sore limbs from long hours of hunching over a small table, they both went into Caleb’s bedroom, where all the Nein waited for them.

As agreed earlier that day, Caleb began to set up the tower, to make sure they had enough privacy and protection. While the rest of them milled about, Jester pulled Essek aside with a hushed voice and excitement brimming on her face.

“Essek, look! Look at what came in today!! The tanner brought it just a few minutes ago!”

She produced a square parcel small enough to fit in a small bag, and he quickly took it to hide in his wrist pocket, out of sight from everyone.

“Thank you, Jester. I could not have done it without you.” He held his dear friend’s hand in his, a rare sign of his affection, but one he knew Jester deserved like no one else.

She beamed at him in return, almost jumping in place now.

“No trouble at all! But you MUST tell me everything after, ok? I need to know how it went!”

“Yes, yes, I promise I will.” 

He was doomed there with his promise, he knew, but somehow was unable to feel dreadful about it. Jester’s excitement was contagious, and if there was anyone besides Caleb that Essek trusted with his secrets, it was the blue tiefling. As baffling as it seemed at first, she was the one who first showed him any kindness, and the one who never lost her trust in him. If pressed, he would let Jester know anything about him, because he trusted her to never judge him.

He wanted to search for a secluded place to look at the parcel, but there was no time. As soon as Jester pulled away, Caleb stood up in front of a magic door. The tower was ready, and everyone went in for their meeting. 

Caleb took them to the second floor of the salon, where the large table with the design of the Wildemount continent took center stage, and chairs surrounded it. Essek let them all take their seats first, as he always did. And, as always, he watched as the Nein positioned themselves to leave the only seat available right next to Caleb. He sat down and made his request for tea from one of the cats that came in shortly after.

Once all requests were made and they were all seated, Caleb stood up and called for the beginning of the meeting. The room fell silent for once, and they kept their attention on the wizard, who dived right into the subject with a serious, monotone voice.

“I requested Beauregard to call in all of the Nein because I believe we would be better solving this issue together. It seems that one of us is in danger again, my friends, and I for one will do my best to keep us all safe.”

Even though he had a strong suspicion of the reason for this meeting, Essek still felt too exposed at hearing his predicament being brought up like that. He let his ears pin to the side of his head but refused his instinct to cross his arms. He wanted to stay as neutral as possible, as long as possible. These were his friends. It was ok to be vulnerable around them. He kept reminding himself while Caleb turned to the monk across the table. 

“Beau, could you share with all of us the news you told Essek yesterday?”

She, as always, did have her arms crossed, and one leg up on the table, tilting her chair back in a very precarious angle. 

“Dairon reached out to me a few days ago with news from the Dynasty. Their contacts over there had some very interesting bit of gossip regarding the former Shadowhand. Apparently, they believe that Essek Thelyss, in a valiant but dangerous attempt to better serve Her Majesty, was lost to the ruins of Aeor during an incursion. After search parties all came back empty handed and there was no known evidence of him, there is now a common belief that he is dead. Strangely, though, there has been no official announcement yet. Dairon’s informants seem to think it has to do with the image of the court more than anything else, so it’s probably a matter of time until it happens.”

She sounded almost bored as she recounted the whole thing by memory, even though they could all see her journals open on the table in front of her. There was a general feeling of relief and sadness around the table, as if Essek’s fictional death made them sad even if he was sitting right there with them. After a beat of silence, Fjord spoke up, though he looked at Beau with suspicion.

“Well, that’s good, right? That’s good news for Essek.” 

He knew better than to expect a meeting like this with just good news. So Beauregard dropped the second part of the bomb.

“There is a catch, though. Dairon’s secret informant inside the Lucid Bastion told her that even with the belief that Essek is dead, the Queen still seems weirdly interested in him. She has requested a full investigation of his belongings and projects, and has made all in court sworn to secrecy about it until she has reached a decision regarding their findings. This informant is suspicious that the Queen knows more than what she lets on, and there is a general suspicion that the Shadowhand was involved in some sort of forbidden project. So whatever cover Essek has right now under his presumed death, there is a probability that it won’t be long before his secret is revealed. If they find out he’s alive, he’ll be in even more danger than he was until now.”

The moment of relief turned into tense preoccupation after she finished. Next to him, Jester reached her hand over his and patted it with a sympathetic smile. The others either frowned at the table or glanced at him with concern. 

Caleb didn’t look at him. Instead, he kept his eyes on Beau, and spoke up.

“And what does the Empire believe? Do you know?”

“The Empire has the same amount of information as the people gossiping in the streets. As far as our intel can gather, they believe Essek to be dead.” Taking her foot off the table now, she put both arms in its place, looking directly at Caleb when she continued, answering his unspoken question. 

“As for the Assembly, or whatever is left of them, there seems to be some kind of dissent whether or not to believe in the news. Archmage Astrid Beck is leading the side that believes the Shadowhand is dead but, as always, Archmage Da’leth is a pain in the ass and keeps requesting proof of fact. Either way, neither one of them is inclined to lead their own search party, so they will have to take the Dynasty’s official stand on the matter.”

“That’s nice.” Caduceus smiled in his seat, seeming at once completely oblivious to the situation and very satisfied by some kind of cleric insight. Essek could never tell with that one.

That seemed to bring some relief for Caleb. He let out a small sigh and his shoulders dropped a little. Essek tried to digest everything being said, but the dread gathering at the pit of his stomach and the eyes of his friends drifting back at him kept him on edge. Looking back at Beau, he noticed how she didn’t relax after relaying her information. She kept her brows tight as she looked at the table, like she was trying to decide something…

The thought came to him at once. There was still one point of interest she did not cover yet. Lamenting the life choices that made his life so complicated, he inhaled deeply before steeling himself again, and asking the question he knew his friend was battling with.

“And the Cobalt Soul? What do they believe in this matter?”

The monk in question looked up at him startled, but her eyes were filled with worry.

“Dairon knows the truth. I had to tell them so I could keep you safe, and retain access to the investigation. I don’t know if they told Yudala Fon, but I find that highly likely. I’m sorry man, it was the only way I could protect you.” She sounded truly sorry, one of the rare times where she showed Essek raw emotions instead of the coat of sarcasm she usually kept to protect herself.

Not only that, he knew she spoke the truth. Of all the entities to know the truth about him, the Cobalt Soul was the least probable to force him into an early grave.

“No need to be sorry, Beauregard. If you believe it is for the best, I trust you. And thank you for your help, truly.”

She looked visibly relieved at that, and nodded back at him as she put her usual mask of a tough person back on. “No worries, hot boy. We watch each other’s back, right?”

“Right.” He couldn’t help but offer her one of his own dangerous smiles in return. Beauregard was always a powerful ally to have, and a good friend to keep an eye on you. 

Looking a bit more at ease now that she had the drow’s approval, Beau went back to her business mode.

“Anyway, Dairon has put me in charge of this investigation, and told me they’ll send more info as soon as their contacts bring any more news. In the meantime, I’m told to keep an eye out on the Empire side of things. Caleb, how likely do you think Astrid would trust us enough to give some hot goss on the Assembly?”

The human resurfaced from his inner thoughts at that, and deflated at once.

“I… I’m not sure, Beau. I haven’t really talked with Astrid since the trial, and I don’t know how much she adapted to life as the Archmage of Civil Influence. The fact that she is openly defying Da’leth is a good sign, but with her…”

“With her you never know.” Beau completed.

“ Ja .” He sighed back. The table fell into silence again.

“Ok, we’ll circle back to that one later then.” She wrote something in her journal as she said it, the perfect image of the expositor at work.

“Wait. You said that there’s no official statement from the Queen about Essek being dead, right?” Jester, who was still resting her hand on top of Esseks on the table, spoke up for the first time, seeming distressed.

“Yeah, they’re still holding out confirmation.” Beau nodded back at her.

“So what does it mean for his family though? They don’t get to say goodbye until the Queen says so?” At the table’s lack of response, she turned fully to Essek.

“Do you guys have some kind of, I dunno, ritual or something? For the dead? I mean, I know that with the whole consecution thing people just come back, but it’s still the end of a life, right? There must be some kind of event to let people mourn or something.”

Trust Jester Lavorre to always be the heart of this group of misfits. His heart filled with love and admiration for this amazing tiefling and her wonderfully random worries.

“Yes, there are some rituals that are performed. But, ah, they are usually very personal and practiced only by the ones closest to the deceased. I am sure that my Den would have taken care of that by now, if they chose to believe the news that spread, even if the Queen hasn’t confirmed it yet.”

He thought about his brother, risking his life everyday in Bazzoxan, believing him to be dead, and was wrought with guilt. His Umavi might suffer his loss, but no one would truly mourn him besides Verin. He wished he could spare his dalninuk this suffering, even though he would probably suffer worse if he knew the whole truth.

“But is there like, anything that we could do? I mean, we’re your friends, I feel it would be very suspicious if you died and we just did nothing about it.”

She looked genuinely distressed at the idea, and it only increased Essek’s feeling of guilt. Before he could try to assuage her, though, Fjord piped in.

“Well, not that I don’t agree with you, Jessie, but so far it seems that neither the Dynasty nor the Empire remembered that we were his allies. So trying to show any sign of mourning would just bring attention to us, which would not be ideal right now.”

On Essek’s other side came Caleb’s voice, determined and serious as he has been during this whole meeting.

“I agree with Fjord, Jester. Besides, if it was really true and Essek went missing, we would not be here sitting on our thumbs and mourning. We would be out there, searching for him.” 

The drow, who so far was turned to Jester, looked behind his shoulders to catch the human wizard’s face, as intense and serious as his words were. His mouth was suddenly very dry.

“We should avoid bringing attention to ourselves at the moment, and start planning our next course of action. Essek, do you have any plans of what you want to do with your new lease in life?” And just like that, they were back to business mode. Essek turned back to his position and faced the whole table as he discussed his ideas and heard their suggestions.

—-----------------------

Two hours later, they finally had an idea of how to proceed. Beau had immediately forbidden any trips to Aeor until further notice, which made both wizards pout sullenly like scolded teenagers, but eventually they were forced to agree (or face the whole of their friends coming after them and keeping them prisoners in a safer place, as Beau, Yasha and Fjord so kindly put it). The Lavish Chateau, cozy as it is, was also out of the question for a longer stay, as it’s too exposed. Veth offered her place, but Essek refused for fear of endangering her family, so most of Nicodranas was out. 

They briefly considered the possibility of choosing a city at random, but most of them thought it best to have at least one of the Nein within walking distance to Essek at all times, for safety. The drow started to feel like an unwanted child at this point. He felt helpless and a burden, and hated the trouble he made his friends go through, sending his mind into a darker place. His sour mood began draining on Beau’s patience very quickly, and the meeting was nearing the point of being dismissed without an option until Caduceus offered to host him at the Blooming Grove for the foreseeable future. 

It was uncomfortably close to Xhorhas, and Essek still worried about the Clay’s safety, but in the end they all agreed it was his best choice for the time being. By the end of the week, once Beau was back in Rexxentrum and updated on the news from the informants, Essek would be informed of the go sign and expected to arrive at the Grove on the same day. All the others would return to their own houses as soon as possible, except for Caleb. He would stay behind with Essek, helping out with any and everything until the time came for him to leave. 

Well, more like he adamantly refused to leave until he made sure Essek was safe and no one was able to convince him otherwise. But Essek was not about to complain.

Jester, Kingsley and Fjord were expected to return to their ship and their journeys in the next two days, and the Nein would continue their lives as if nothing had happened. Essek’s stomach was tight in knotts and dread.

On their way out of the tower, Jester held him back while everyone else left and turned right back into the mischievous grin she wore before the meeting.

“I’m going to buy you guys some time, you do it now, ok?”

“W-what?” It took him a second to understand what she meant, and it did nothing to calm his flustered state. “Now??”

“Right now, Essek, before it’s too late!”

“Jester, that’s not necessary, I assure y—”

“Oh there you are! Essek was just asking about you!”

They were both turned to the exit door on the first floor, with their backs to the iris and what the drow was sure was a very confused Caleb as Jester turned back to wave at the other wizard. 

That conniving, traitorous little tiefling. Essek was going to make her pay, even if he had no idea how yet.

“Oh, is he now?” Caleb’s voice behind him was highly amused, probably sensing some trouble.

Essek turned very slowly so he had time to glower at Jester out of Caleb’s view, shooting daggers with his eyes while she gave him the biggest shit eating grin ever, and then schooling his face back to a diplomatic smile when he faced the other wizard.

“Ah… yes, actually. I was wondering if I could speak to you for a moment?”

“Ohh, that sounds very important and personal, I better leave you to it!” She sang in a very unconvincing way. 

And then, like the rascal she is, Jester skipped her way to the door, which she closed behind her while shooting a quick wink at them. Essek wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

“Don’t mind her. She’s just teasing, you know.” Caleb gave him an easy smile and a little pat on his shoulder to relieve the tension. Essek let out a breath that could maybe be considered a weak laugh.

“Come, let us talk in the library.” Without waiting for a reply, he stepped back until he was in the center of the iris and spoke ‘up’ out loud, all the while still looking at him with a challenging grin. The drow followed behind.

—-------------------

Essek never said it out loud, but he had a favorite spot in Caleb’s library. It was a little nondescript corner that was a bit out of the way, not too bright nor too dark, and the couches there were in just the right side of comfortable and practical. It was also very close to the section with books on History and Astronomy, which Essek loved to read whenever he was not studying or working. He used it enough times during their stay in Aeor that whenever Caleb needed to find the drow, he would go straight there.

So he supposed it wasn’t really that surprising that’s where Caleb took him now without so much as hesitating. It did make him wonder, though, since this was all Caleb’s creation, how much of this particular corner was made specifically for his liking.

It made it easier for Essek to talk, but he could still feel his hands sweating with nerves. He was not used to these kinds of situations, and kept worrying if he overstepped. Well, too late to worry now, Thelyss.

“So? You said you wished to talk to me?” Caleb seemed to be finding this all too amusing for the drow’s liking. The human was enjoying watching him sweat, he knew. A very aggravated part of his brain wanted nothing more than to find an excuse and run away forever. Essek quickly shut that up and forced himself to say the words he had rehearsed in his head.

“I… Yes. I, well. I supposed I am not the only one, but I noticed that you seemed very upset about the loss of your coat and book holsters after… that fight.” Light, how was he suddenly so bad at this?? He was a Shadowhand, for gods’ sake, his whole career was built around talking!

“Well, yes. They accompanied me through many adventures, and carried many memories. They were dear to me. But I’ve found a new coat and this very smart wizard taught me a very handy cantrip, so there is no reason to cry over spilt milk, ja ?”

“ Ja –I mean, yes.” Stick to the script, Thelyss. “Still, you have all helped me immensely in the past year, and I realized I never managed to properly thank you. And, yes, I know it is not necessary.” He quickly added when Caleb opened his mouth to interrupt.

“It is not a matter of necessity. You always try to bring out the best in me and I wished to find a way to show that your efforts are not without appreciation. So I asked Jester to take me to a tanner this week,” and with a quick movement he pulled the parcel out of his wrist pocket, “and I requested a commission from them. Jester told me they were the best in Nicodranas, and I must say they did seem quite knowledgeable on the subject.”

He handed the parcel over to Caleb, who just stood there paralized, his eyes round and big. There was a bit of self satisfaction inside of Essek for their reversed roles. The ginger turned pink as he took the simple cloth wrapped and held in place with twine, and stared at it for a couple of seconds before finding his words again.

“You… you commissioned something? For me?”

“I did, yes.” His moment of smugness was short lived, however. As soon as Caleb started to open the present, his dread came back in full force. When the wizard finally saw what was inside he froze in place and said nothing, and Essek immediately began to panic.

“Er, if it’s not to your liking we can change it, don’t worry.” Caleb looked back at Essek with his mouth hanging open. He still said nothing.

“I had to take your old holster with me for the measurements and requested to reuse a bit of it in some parts, but I assure you, it’s still all salvageable.”

Finally, finally , the human took out the new holster from its wrapping and started to unfold it. Essek was internally very pleased that the final product looked exactly as he had described. He made a mental note to pay the tanner a very generous tip after this for his good work.

“It’s a book holster.” The human was now turning the leather this way and that, completely enraptured by the object. The drow finally managed to exhale a breath. He didn’t hate it, or cursed Essek for using his old one. That was a good sign.

“Ah, I asked him to use some of the old leather to reinforce the shoulder straps, and some of the places that would cause most chafing. You will notice them by the slightly different color. Since you seemed to complain about ‘breaking in’ the new coat, I thought it would help.”

A little more emboldened by Caleb’s reaction, Essek floated a bit closer to him to point out the markings on the larger straps. “I also requested him to engrave the symbols of all schools of magic in it. I thought it would make for a nice addition.” That seemed to break Caleb’s spell on the new holster, and his head shot up to look at Essek. His mouth was still open and his eyes were huge. 

“The symbol for Dunamancy is a bit more hidden, closer to the ribs, so it doesn’t attract any unwanted attention, see?” He confided with a knowing smile, pointing to where his friend could see the engraving. When they both looked up at each other, there was a crease in Caleb’s brows and he stared so intensely that Essek started to worry that his anger had finally flared up. Before he managed to get any word out though, Caleb closed the distance between them.

It took a few seconds for Essek’s brain to understand what was happening. There were lips pressing against his own. Because he was being kissed. By Caleb. 

Caleb was kissing him.

Oh.

Caleb was kissing him.

It took him two more seconds to realize that he should be kissing back . He felt more than saw the human start to break away and rushed to chase him, to kiss him too. This time they both thankfully managed to not short circuit and kiss properly. Caleb’s arms snaked around his torso to pull him closer, and Essek happily obliged, putting one arm around the other’s shoulders and the other arm resting against his chest, a hand grasping the human’s shirt collar. He could faintly hear the holster dropping on the ground, but it was nothing next to the deafening noise of the rushing of blood against his ears, and Caleb’s little sighs and his own small whimper as they deepened the kiss and gods. Why did they not do this before???

Essek wanted nothing more than to drown on these sensations, to feel the taste of Caleb’s tea on his lips, and the heat of his body against his and the wonderful pressure of his hand against his back, but before long Caleb broke away. It still took them a whole minute to catch their breath again, their foreheads resting against each other, grinning like maniacs, and it took all the self control the drow could gather at that point to not kiss him again.

Then Caleb straightened and their foreheads weren’t touching anymore. But at least none of them moved to break away from the embrace. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have… that was presumptuous of me. I just, I saw your present and… I couldn’t help myself.”

The words were sincere, Essek knew that, but they were both grinning too much to actually show any regret in their actions. He was getting drunk on the intoxicating moment, much braver than he ever felt in his whole life.

“No apologies needed. I… Well, to be perfectly honest, if I knew that gift would encourage this reaction I would have done it much sooner.” 

That was apparently the right thing to say, because as he started to laugh at his own joke Caleb kissed it right out of his mouth, along with his breath. Once they parted again the human took a deep breath and extricated himself from his partner. His hand found Essek’s and he held it as he directed them over the couch.

“I-I am doing this out of order. I should… we should talk first. Properly.”

“Oh. Alright.” Essek took the offered seat, and tried not to panic again. Caleb was still holding his hand, and making small soothing circles with his thumb that did nothing to decrease his heart rate.

“I was planning on doing this for a little while now, but I guess I put the cart before the horses, as they say, heh.” He gave Essek a sheepish smile and looked at their joined hands while clearly searching for the right words. The drow patiently waited for him, trying to encourage by keeping an open expression of fondness. Even if the other wizard was about to let him down, he already got so much more than expected. He could be content with just that, if needed. 

Taking a deep, calming breath, Caleb kept his eyes on their hands before starting.

“I know that our friendship has been a bumpy ride, with much deception between us before we started learning how to trust. And I know you feel guilty about your part in this. But the thing is, we are both very flawed individuals, Essek. And as much hurt as I felt for knowing you were working with my old master, I know I have no real ground to stand on.”

“You have every right to feel hurt, as much as it pains me to know. I still have much to do to earn your trust.” Essek could still feel the tightness in his chest as the now well known feeling of shame and regret covered him like a blanket.

“No, no I don’t. You still don’t know all there is to know about me, Essek, all the terrible things I did. Besides, I have come to accept that there is nothing to be done about our past selves. If we stay trapped in our past we will never be able to look ahead and plan a better future. Essek. Look at me.”

They were both staring at their hands, at their movement as they caressed each other. So Essek took a deep breath and faced the man sitting next to him, still so close he could see all the different freckles in his nose and cheeks.

“You don’t need to earn anything from us, my friend. We have all moved on from our shock and there is nothing but love and acceptance now. We want you around. I want you around. The thought of letting you flee the Dynasty and hide on your own… It scares me so much. I can’t think of what I would do if anything happened.”

Caleb’s blue eyes shone with the threat of tears, even through the determination he showed so clearly. Essek’s heart broke a little.

“I watched you die. Twice now.” He blurted out without realizing. Caleb broke eye contact. “You don’t know how terrifying it was, Caleb. To try and hold your body together with pieces of your coat while I tried to find a way to find a cleric. I can’t go through this a third time. I can’t put you in danger like that again. And if the Dynasty finds out, if the Assembly–”

“If they found out, you are safer with us. And there is no reality in which we would not help you out. Going out alone only makes our goals harder, but we would do it anyway. Essek. I am sorry you had to see me die. But do you know what I saw?”

Caleb grabbed the drow’s hand between his and brought it closer to him. Forcing Essek to meet his eyes again.

“I do not know what happens when one dies, and I’m not interested in finding out by myself. Not now, anyway.”

“Well, I think it’s different depending on the person’s beliefs. I never really trusted religion, but I am still a country man, brought up under the traditions of Blumenthau, so I suppose that made it easier for the Raven Queen to find it. She told me that my destiny was still under debate, and she showed me a glimpse of what I could expect if I stayed. I can’t remember much, no matter how hard I try, but I know, I know , I could feel my parents there. Happy and at peace. I wanted nothing more than to go to them, but then she showed me what was happening in Exandria. She let me see and hear your pleas for my return, and once it was over she asked me to choose.”

Caleb was openly weeping now, his hands trapping one of Essek’s between them tight. Essek used his free one to run a thumb on one of his cheeks. Although Caleb kept his voice as normal as possible, his own was just a whisper.

“Why did you come back? If you could see them, why not go to them?”

The ginger let one of his hands go to dry his tears on the sleeve of his shirt and take a stabilizing breath.

“Because I still have much to do before I can compensate for the harm I have done. Because my friends were heartbroken and begging me to come back. Because you asked me to come back.” There they were again, those bright determined blue eyes trained on his, pinning him in place.

“I realized, as I made my decision, that I was done with this dance. I kept you at bay because I was afraid, and I had - I still have - so much shit to deal with. I’m tired of pretending that you don’t mean much more to me than I thought possible. I know there is still much to work on, and maybe you don’t feel entirely the same but… But I need you to know how I feel, Essek. I fell in love with you somewhere in the chaos that was last year and you deserve to know that. At the very least to be able to walk away if my feelings are a deal breaker. But if you want me, for as long as you want me, you have me.”

He knew, rationally, that he must be still breathing, otherwise he would be passing out by now. But it was hard to believe that his lungs were working at the moment. 

“I, ah…” He supplied intelligently, trying to form words as his mind couldn’t decide between absorbing the meaning of Caleb’s words and repeating “you have me” with that Zemnian accent over and over again.

“You don’t need to say anything now, or ever, if you don’t want to. But I need you to know that this,” and the redhead gently brushed his lips over their entwined fingers, overwhelming Essek’s nerve endings as well as his mind, “this is not just a distraction or a game. Not to me.”

The mage drow took a long and very unsteady breath, trying to join any fraying brain cell he still had under control to supply him with words. Anything, really.

He must have taken too long again, because once more it took the feeling of loss that came with Caleb retreating that brought him back into action. As soon as the human threatened to drop their joined hands Essek pulled it back to him, and mimicked Caleb’s action with his own lips in an attempt at keeping the other mage comforted while he tried to form coherent sentences. Suddenly he was assaulted by the image of his hafling friend yelling at him for not seeing the obvious, and couldn’t help but laugh.

Caleb looked at him with clear confusion, but just raised an eyebrow in question.

“Veth was right. We are the dumbest smart people she has ever met.” One red-brown eyebrow just rose higher, accompanied by an amused smile now. Essek wanted to bash his head against a wall for his own stupidity.

“You have no idea how much this means to me, do you, Caleb Widogast? What does it take for me to form bonds, to experience affection like this? Of course not, how could you know?”

Caleb just looked at him, amused and curious.

“I… do not engage in relationships like most people do. Making meaningful connections with others was always something I struggled with, mostly because I find that it is very rare to meet people who are not boring and… disappointing. That is why the Mighty Nein confounded me, at first. You were always so interesting, and open. And you, Caleb, you… I cannot begin to tell you how rare it is to find someone as intelligent and interesting as you. You intrigued me enough to show you some of my own magic, to help you with your spell, just so I could see your mind work. I have never felt such a connection before. And I feared, deeply, that I would break your confidence again if I let you know. So, now, to hear you tell me… I believe you are right, we do have much to work on yet. But I must tell you, it was never a game for me either. And I’m afraid I am very much in love with you too.”

There were many kisses wet with tears after that, and another hour before they could make themselves presentable again to meet their friends for dinner. Jester still wore that huge shit eating grin, though she kept quiet on the subject in front of the other (Essek knew she would wait long enough to have him alone somewhere before exploding, and regretted even more his earlier promise). The others sent them knowing smiles, but quickly went back to their usual banter. 

Caleb sneakily held his hand under the table whenever possible, and it was impossible to keep from smiling at nothing in particular with this much happiness bursting through his whole self, but they either managed to keep things very discreet, or the Nein suddenly grew a sense of propriety and acted as if they saw nothing. Essek doubted both.

As suspected, his sense of security disappeared as soon as he climbed the stairs to reach his bedroom and was accosted by Jester, who pushed him and herself inside his room and closed the door behind her. He managed a small peek at Caleb climbing the stairs and stopping in the middle of it as he caught sight of the scene before the drow was trapped with Jester and her unmeasurable excitement.

“Sooooo, how was the talk? Did he like your gift?”

By the look on her face Essek knew she knew damn well how he liked it, and this was just an exercise in torture for more details. Like the insufferable, adorable, amazing rascal that was his best friend. Essek wouldn’t have it any other way.

Chapter Text

Caleb could not remember the last time he felt this happy. Bren probably could, but his memories were still mostly tainted with his crimes. Caleb had his own crimes to deal with, but nothing like Bren. He also never had his feelings returned like that. 

Whatever Bren had before, with Asa and Wulf, was also tainted, and probably a bit too codependent. He still loved them both, worried constantly about their safety, but he knew that even if he had the chance (and neither Astrid nor Eadwulf seemed to have closed the door for this possibility, from his last interactions with them) he would not be able to come back. Too much has happened. He was a completely different person now, even if he still had Bren’s memories.

He looked down at the book holster displayed on his bed, gently caressing the imprinted symbols on the leather, feeling the soft give of his old one carefully stitched on the underside in some places, and didn’t even try to hold back the smile spreading in his face. He couldn’t even begin to process the fondness swelling up in him whenever he looked at this gift, Essek’s gift , to him. He knew his friend (were they still just friends?) had a keen eye and noted small details, but he never imagined having the drow’s wonderful mind focused on his own human wretched self. Caleb’s own self hatred kept screaming at him that he did not deserve this, any of this, but there was nothing it could do now. For the first time in years, this voice - that once boomed inside his head above all else - was tuned down to just a whisper. 

Much stronger and above all else now were the memories of this last week. All the moments Caleb got to spend with his found family and the drow he came to love deeply. Essek’s cold and delicate fingers on his arms and back when they danced, on his neck when they kissed. Those same fingers gently wiping away his tears when he botched his former plan of confessing his feelings and blurted out rather embarrassingly his fears and pain instead of calmly talking about how he would respect Essek’s space regarding all this. He was such a mess. 

And still, somehow, as shocking as it seemed, his fellow wizard loved him back. He was so sure of being discarded that he never even considered the possibility of Essek feeling anything but mild attraction and friendship for him. He was so lost inside his own head that he never noticed the signs (that he, begrudgingly, had to admit his friends were rightly pointing out). In hindsight, they did look a bit more obvious, but then again, his own feelings felt like a lighthouse beacon pointing straight at the drow for a while now, and it seemed like Essek was as surprised as he was. They were two oblivious fools, apparently. Veth was going to mock him mercilessly over this.

Which reminded him, they should talk. First the two of them, to figure out what this all means. Then, maybe, with the Nein. They probably knew what happened anyway, if Jester’s excitement on locking herself up in Essek’s room last night was any indication. She was giddy with it the whole night, her tail swishing anxiously behind her even as she pretended not to grin at them after her very not subtle parent trapping earlier. The others were better at hiding it, but not by much. They were kind enough to not immediately jump on them with questions after they very obviously left the tower together, smiling like teenagers and trying hard to not show it too much. But Beau still gave him a small nod and a smirk when they locked eyes, and Caduceus had a self satisfied smile while he looked on with his ever present understanding.

But that was for after. First, he needed to figure out what it all even means for them. Are they still just friends? They both mentioned that they were serious about each other, but that could mean anything, especially when there’s two very different cultures involved. They needed to figure out what they wanted out of this, their expectations, and what - if anything - they wanted to share with their friends. 

Despite all his contentment, the human could not help but feel anxious again. Suddenly he realized how unqualified he was for all this relationship navigating. His first and last attempt at one were with his two childhood friends in a very specific situation. They never really talked about it or gave it any labels. They were just… them. Nothing really changed besides the sexual component. After that he never had anything beyond friendship, and even that was hard to understand at first. Essek was probably not better at it, but maybe he had more experience?

He took a long breath to center himself. They needed to talk, no matter how little experience either one of them had. It was a good thing they were good at talking and figuring things out together then, right?

Caleb took the holster from the bed, and put it on himself. It fit like a glove. His chest was swelling with emotion again, his hands tingling with excitement. They could make this work.

He left his coat behind, like he always did these past days. It was too warm in Nicodranas for second layers anyway. He put his spellbook in its place, his other side still holding his letters to his parents. A reminder of what he still had to do to close that chapter of his life. No scarf either, even if it did always leave him feeling a bit too exposed. But with the new holster he felt a little more protected. 

The Nein would notice the new addendum, of course. Right now he couldn't care less. Let them notice and rib him for it. Let them try to guess what it all meant (for now). He was happy to let them. 

—--------------

As expected, there were many compliments to his new holster, and much teasing after they learned where it came from, but both wizards dodged it with minimum blushing and stuttering. They were used to the teasing by now, so it was easier to avoid confirmation of anything, and their friends let them be without too much meddling, which was a blessing. Veth came by quickly to say her goodbyes and the three sailors had hugged them and gone out to find supplies for their ship, so the only thing left was for them to take the visitors back home.

Caleb watched a little separated from the group as Yasha hugged Essek and told him she was happy for him, and then Beau lightly slapped his back in a fond way that almost sent the drow flat on his face in the ground if she hadn’t helped him catch his balance with the other hand. Beau’s voice was as friendly as she could make it while she announced “don’t worry hotboi, we take care of our own” and then began confirming some details about their plan. Essek’s ears twitched the whole time in the most endearing way, and Caleb realized, once again, he was too far gone for that one. 

Before he could hear the end of Beau’s speech, though, he felt a presence on his other side, and turned to find Caduceus towering over him, as is usual with the tall firbolg. He put his own hand on Caleb’s shoulder and his gaze was as open as it was piercing.

“I’m glad to see you healing again, my friend. You had a rough journey so far, but I hope you will make wiser decisions from now on.”

The wizard put his own hand atop of the firbolg’s, relishing in the steady and calm presence he presented, his good influence on all of them. 

“Thank you, Caduceus. It was not easy being dead, but I imagine the toll was much worse for those who brought me back. I only hope I can help them move on from the fright I gave them.”

“Oh. Yeah, being dead is not fun at all, and bringing others back is even less fun. But I meant your inner healing. Letting yourself open again for others to come in is not an easy task, I’m told, and I’m glad that you are finally in a place where you can accept some happiness for yourself.”

There it was, that glint in his eyes that showed how much Caduceus really saw them all, through all the bullshit and the secrets. Caleb shouldn’t be this stunned by now, but apparently it was ‘talk to Caleb about his feelings’ week in Nicodranas, and the cleric would never miss a chance to push the Nein in the right direction. No use hiding anything from this one.

“Ach, well, I am trying to be better. And it seems that even a stubborn asshole such as myself can allow himself to be a little happy. Just a little bit.”

“Well, I don’t know about being an asshole, but I do believe you are due to some happiness, Mr. Caleb. You both deserve it.” 

The redhead did not miss how Caduceus never denied his stubbornness, which was a good thing. They should always keep watch over him, just to be on the safe side.

“I don’t think ‘deserve’ is the right word, but I will defer to your judgment, freund . You know better than any of us about these things.” 

It was as close as he could get to accepting a compliment for now. Caduceus sighed and squeezed his shoulder a bit. There was some fond exasperation on his eyes that meant they were not done yet, but he would leave it be, for now.

“So long as you keep trying. And I hope you know that you are always welcome to visit us in the Grove. Our friend will need all the help he can get to deal with this new development, and I think you will benefit from his company too.”

“Thank you, Caduceus. I’ll see you soon.”

“You too.” He smiled and dropped his hand as Caleb turned to gather the lesbians, only to find them already waiting for him by the corner near the stairs. 

At this hour in the day, still before lunch time, the doors to the Chateau were closed to visitors, so they could gather and draw their teleportation circles there, in the wide space of the salon. Essek was already in the middle of his drawing, concentrated in his work. Caleb kneeled down at a safe distance to start his own. 

Once back in Rexxentrum, landing artfully inside their garden (without hurting Yasha’s carefully curated flowers), Beau bullied him inside for tea before going back. Caleb knew he was being ambushed and tried to dodge, but Yasha was as interested as Beau, and it was hard to say no to them when the couple started guilt tripping him into spending time together. Sighing heavily, he accepted his fate.

It didn’t take long into the small talk about their plans for the future (yes, Caleb was still interested in teaching at the Academy at some point. Yes, he did intend on living in Rexxentrum and help Beau with the work of rooting out corruption in the Empire. No, he did not know when Veth’s summer camp idea would come to fruition and how he would help) before Beau dove into the meat of it.

“So,” she started after a small lull in the conversation, a grin already spread through her face, “I take it you and hotboi finally took your heads out of your asses and decided to do something about all that flirting around?”

Caleb groaned and hid his face with his hands. Sitting at their dinner table, he had his elbows propped up so he wouldn’t let his head fall over the teacup in front of him. Across the table, by Beau’s side, Yasha’s eyes grew wide in delight.

“Oh, I think that means yes. When was this? Did you guys have a date in the tower, like we did?”

He peeked between his fingers to see her hugging her cup, so tiny in her large hands, as she leaned forward on the table. Beau still had her shit eating grin, leaning against the back of her chair with one leg resting transversally over the other, the very picture of someone gleefully reaping the winnings of a good bet. Which, come to think of it, she probably did. He sighed heavily again and dropped his hands.

“Fine. Yes, we kissed. There was no date, it just… happened. We haven’t talked about it yet, which is why I was trying to avoid this type of talk with you all.” He glared sullenly at the couple, but they just kept smiling. Yasha let a small pleased gasp leave her lips like she was Jester with her romance novels.

“And? What’re you gonna do about it? Is this a one time thing or…?”

“I don’t know, Beauregard, we really didn’t have any time to discuss details with all of you breathing down our necks the whole time.” He loved his Empire sister with all his heart, but she could really push his buttons sometimes. Apparently that’s what siblings do, according to Caduceus. Caleb wasn’t so sure he liked it.

“Yeah, fine. I get it, you couldn’t talk yet and all. I just wanna know how you’re feeling about all this, because you two have been circling each other for over a year now and, honestly, I don’t want to see either of you get hurt.”

She tried to sound dismissive, but he could hear her true concern beneath it. The fact that she included Essek in her tally made him equally happy and frustrated. This is why Caduceus argued so much with his own siblings, Caleb guessed. 

“This is exactly why I never said anything before, and why I am trying to discuss it with him first. I don’t want to hurt him, and I want to make sure he is safe and happy above anything else. If you let me go back to him, maybe I’ll be able to do it before he has to go into hiding for the foreseeable future.”

“You know, he wants the same things for you, Caleb.” Yasha’s soothing voice took over whatever Beau was about to reply to that, even if she spoke in a low tone, almost a whisper.

“He didn’t say it with all those words, but it’s very easy to see in the way he takes care of you. He looks at you the way I see Fjord looking at Jester, or the way I feel when I look at Beau.” She turned to her wife and linked their hands, gazing at her with open affection. Her pale face took on a rosy tint, still shy even after all this time. “I know you feel the same about him, but we just want to make sure that you’ll both stop trying to punish yourselves. Because when you do that, it’s not just yourself who is hurting anymore. And you two deserve to be happy together.”

“Yeah, what she said.” Even with her voice thick with emotion, the monk managed to sound arrogant. Caleb couldn’t help to huff a small laugh at that. He rubbed his face again, trying to collect his thoughts.

“You know, you are the second person to tell me this today. Maybe I should take that into consideration.”

“You should definitely take that into consideration, dude. Now go be gross with the wizard. And please, for the love of all gods, never tell me anything about it.”

Now he did laugh, the frustration over the intrusive talk all gone.

“Oh I will definitely not tell you anything. This was more than enough.”

He got up from the table and moved back to the space in the living room where the women pushed the center table aside for him to draw his circle. They stayed behind, sitting by the table, still able to see him from there, but from a shouting distance now.

“By the way, who won the bet?” His curiosity got the best of him as he drew the circle.

“Oh, I think it was Jester? Either Jester or me, we have to check our notes again.” Beau shouted back at him. No wonder the two of them were so eager to know, he mused.

“Jester bet you two were going to pounce on each other after one of you got seriously injured or some other dramatic shit like that. We figured it would happen in Aeor, but I guess you are even more uptight than we thought.” She snorted at that, and Yasha laughed by her side. Caleb rolled his eyes and started drawing faster.

“Well, good to see you both! Take care of yourselves!” He shouted one last time before vanishing back to the coast.

—-------------------

Back in Nicodranas, the day was still halfway through, but the trio was back from their outing and chaos was the order of the day. He and Essek were brought along on multiple trips to the ship to check on the state of everything (and show off a bit about the improvements made in the last few months), then to help out with planning and preparing as much as possible. 

They all promised that it was best if the wizards knew about their plans in case they needed to escape somewhere, but Caleb had a not so small suspicion that it was more an excuse to spend time together and help Fjord not grow bored out of his mind with the shopping. He let himself get dragged and enjoy the company of the people he loved for as long as possible.

Maybe a small part of him was also desperately procrastinating his conversation with the drow, but he kept that secret with him.

Once all preparations were done and dinner was over, though, there was nowhere else to go. Suddenly Jester had to show something to Fjord in their room, and Kingsley made himself scarce with an excuse about a date, and the two wizards were left alone again. There was a very awkward silence between them now, Essek barely able to look at him for long. Caleb could feel his palms sweating and his stomach did a very strange flip as he cleared his throat. No time like the present.

“Er… can we talk? I think that we should clear some things up after, well…” Oh gods, why was he blushing already??

“Ah, yes. I believe we should.” Caleb ventured a glance at Essek to see the drow looking much more calm and collected than he was, but his voice still betrayed a bit of nervousness. He blushed harder.

“Right. Ah, do you mind if I set up the tower? I think it would be best to not have our friends interrupting.”

“Yes, of course.” 

Without another word, Essek turned from the kitchen where they usually had their meals and climbed the stairs to the second floor. Caleb followed him, until they reached the corridor and stood between the doors to their rooms. The awkwardness only increased as Essek waited for Caleb to decide, ears pinned down and close to his head, eyes staring at the floor. He opened the door to his own room, not wanting to put Essek on the spot, and immediately began working on the spell, leaving the elf to close the door behind him.

Once it was done and the shimmering door appeared, Caleb gave him a crooked smile and shyly took them both to a different part of the salon, with a large couch in front of a nice cozy hearth. He didn’t want to put expectations over the talk, and Essek’s favorite corner had already some memories attached to it all. He hoped his impulsiveness from the night before did not ruin the spot Essek liked so much (and that he secretly kept adjusting to match the other’s liking).

Essek sat primly on one side of the couch, so Caleb took the other side, leaving a respectable space between them. The human tried hard not to scratch his arms as he fidgeted anxiously, and they both spoke at the same time when he tried to start the talk. Some more embarrassed laughs and small bickering over insisting the other go first passed before Caleb agreed to start.

“I thought it would be best to talk openly about what happened last night, since we had no time to dwell on details and, well… when we are dealing with a large group such as the Nein, things can get very complicated very fast.”

He took a long breath to calm himself, but before he could go on, Essek started.

“Yes, I believe it is best. I… ah, I want you to know that there are no expectations from my part, Caleb. I know I’ve said some very personal things last night, but if you regret anything we can just pretend it never happened. Or if you need space, well, I am leaving for the Blooming Grove soon so really there is no need for you to worry about this if this is what you wish.”

Caleb whiplashed so hard from staring at the floor the muscles on his neck nearly seized. He stared at the drow, who was now avoiding his eye contact by looking at the fire in the hearth, his back straight and his hands perfectly poised over his lap. Looking closer now, he realized that the other man wasn’t posing as his political persona to hide his embarrassment. He was preparing himself to be rejected. He would like nothing more than to reach out and show the elf how much he wanted this, but that is how they got into this mess, wasn’t it? He needed to use his words, for now.

“I–no, there is no regret on my part. Essek. Unless you are no longer interested, I have every intention to keep exploring this. Whatever this is. I meant what I said yesterday, my feelings for you are not something I wish to use and discard like bath water. I don’t know what your expectations are, and to be frank, I don’t know what exactly we can do with our situation as it is. But whatever you want from me, I will give it to you. I would very much like to spend as much time together as you wish, in any capacity you wish.”

Even without eye contact, Caleb kept looking directly at Essek, his body turned to his direction and his gaze as fierce as his words. The other wizard slowly let his guard down, not changing much of his posture, but looking back at him now, a small crease between his brows and the pain in his eyes the only hint into his internal turmoils.

“All I ask of you is to tell me what exactly do you want,” Caleb finished, leaving the question hanging in the air between them. Essek swallowed and took a moment to think.

“I… don’t know what my expectations are. I never even imagined you would react positively to my feelings.” Caleb huffed loudly in disbelief, and received an annoyed glare in response.

“Yes, I am aware that our friends keep complimenting my appearance, and that we have a history of dancing around each other. But you reacted quite strongly to my treason. And with every right to do so. Even with your forgiveness and our friendship, to know that the person who contributed - even if indirectly - to your torture has romantic feelings for you seems… rather distasteful. And I would rather hurt myself before hurting you again.”

Caleb did reach out now. He couldn’t bear the painful look on Essek as he spoke, and would not allow him to keep feeling sorrowful when they should be discussing much more pleasant things. He scooched closer to the center of the couch and grabbed the drow’s hand from his lap to stay between his own, and then brought it up to press his lips against the purple knuckles. 

“I could say the same for you, you know. Having a moment of clarity and realizing you have nothing to gain from associating yourself with a terrible human who was once the embodiment of everything your country has learned to fear and hate. I was hurt, yes, but so were you. And I don’t see anything besides a brilliant man in front of me right now, trying to be better every day.” That finally got a small shy smile from Essek, and his frame seemed a bit more relaxed. Feeling emboldened by his success, Caleb kept going.

“We could sit here all night and talk about our sins and what we do or do not deserve. And at some point, we probably will have to. But tonight I wish to be a bit more practical, and ask you sensible things such as when can I kiss you again, and what - if anything - we should tell our friends.” Now they both laughed, much of the tension between them dissipating. Caleb gave the hand he held another light kiss. “Though I must say, I do believe the proverbial cat is already out of the bag. I’ve been cornered twice today about it.”

Essek’s features softened as he smiled and turned his body towards Caleb on the couch. “I think you are right about that. Jester cornered me yesterday too. And Yasha and Veth both sent me suspicious looks all morning.”

He took a deep breath and finally met Caleb’s eyes, his free hand coming to rest atop Caleb’s.

“I would say that I am happy to have anything you have to offer me, but then we would be both pushing the decision from one side to another indefinitely. So I will say that, in answer to your questions: as much as I dread the amount of teasing we will endure, I agree that there is no point in hiding the truth from our friends. Though I would rather not let them know too many details, if possible.” A sly smile appeared then, a truth hiding behind a joke. “As for your first question, I would have you kiss me anytime you wish to. Now would be most agreeable, for instance.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Freeing one of his hands, Caleb reached out to hold onto Essek’s face as he pulled them closer. The drow went willingly, and this time was just as wonderful as the first, despite their very awkward position. Caleb had one of his legs folded over the couch, keeping Essek from moving closer to him, so only their faces and hands managed to bridge the gap. When they parted they kept as close as possible, hands still clutching to arms and necks and faces to keep their connection.

Slowly, awkwardly, they managed to agree on a few things, and decided to leave other details to when the time came to decide them. The first agreement was to try and talk as openly as possible, to adjust expectations and avoid more of their usual spiraling into catastrophe without necessity. The second was to not hide anything from the Nein, but only the necessary. No need for them to know every detail of their new relationship. The third was that, whatever this relationship was, they were both intent on taking it seriously, for as long as possible. This was not a tryst.

The fourth was that deciding what the relationship was would need more exploration of these new romantic aspects. Which, as both were very meticulous about their approach on any subject, meant experimenting. And kissing. A lot of kissing. Which is how the conversation quickly turned into explorations once the basic parameters were set.

—----------------------

Their position on the couch was not ideal, their knees bumping against each other and keeping them from getting closer as their kisses became heated. Caleb managed to put his arm behind Essek’s waist to pull him closer, over the leg he had trapped against the back of the couch. His thigh strategically pressing against Essek’s groin as his own used Essek’s free leg for some much needed friction. Essek shuddered and melted against him, letting himself lay back on the arm of the furniture and bringing Caleb with him. Once he started reaching under Essek’s shirt, however, the other mage put his own hand to stop. They broke the kiss and as Caleb searched the other’s face to understand, there was only an apologetic expression looking back at him. Essek’s beautiful silver brows were knit together in concern, marking a great contrast against his kiss swollen lips and still heavy breathing.

“I apologize. It’s just… erm, I’m afraid I’m not as… knowledgeable in this area as I would think necessary.” How on Exandria does this man manage to still be this articulate even panting and with a very obvious arousal in his pants, Caleb will never know. But the meaning behind them did cut through his own fog, calming his own breathing a bit.

“Do you want to stop?” He took his hand away the second Essek stopped him, but their legs were still entwined. “We don’t have to do anything, if you don’t want to.”

“No, no, it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just- I haven’t done this in a very long time, and I fear my lack of practice will… disappoint.” He wasn’t meeting Caleb’s eyes anymore, so he gently cupped the drow’s face to look at him.

“Essek, you could just breathe in my direction and I would fall apart. I sincerely doubt you could ever disappoint me here. But, if you are unsure, we can go slow, ja ?”

Essek let out a breath through a small smile, his shoulders letting go of the stiffness they gathered from that moment. “Yes, I think it would be better.” He reached his hand to cup Caleb’s cheek, mirroring the human’s gesture and pulling his face closer to his own. “Thank you”, he whispered against Caleb’s lips before kissing him gently. 

Even though he started the kiss, Essek was clearly letting Caleb take the lead again, so he made sure to not rush anything. Every new place he kissed or touched was preceded with a gentle “is this ok?” or “does this feel good?” and a moment to receive clear and positive responses. He slowly explored the elf’s neck and ears, delighted in finding out where the other was most sensitive and responsive (he had to be extra careful with the ears, he learned). He made sure he felt comfortable enough before trying under his shirt again. This time Essek let him roam free, reveling in the feeling of skin on skin, encouraging with small sighs when Caleb explored with his mouth.

When Essek’s shirt was already trapped all the way up, nowhere else to go, Caleb went back to his lips, looking into his eyes to make sure as he asked “Can I take off your shirt?” Essek gave him a clear nod and a breathless “yes”, his eyelids hooded, his face flushed. He had no right to look this good while so disheveled. They both sat back up so Caleb could pull the shirt over Essek’s head, the drow lazily keeping his arms up to help. His hair was far from the perfect coif he always had, but he didn’t seem to mind much at the moment. Somehow that just made it all even more arousing.

After a few more moments, though, Essek started to feel emboldened. Caleb let him take charge and do as he pleased, tried to encourage him the same way he was when the roles were reversed. Essek seemed to copy his previous path and moves, gingerly at first, but increasingly sure of himself as he heard Caleb sigh or roll his head to give him better access, or cradle Essek’s head against his collarbone as the other licked and kissed and nibbled. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity (even though Caleb knew precisely how many minutes it took, down to the seconds), Essek tugged the hem of his shirt. “Your turn”, he said with a smile, and Caleb happily obliged. 

The shirt discarded, Essek seemed a bit lost again. His eyes roamed Caleb’s torso but his hands hovered midway, as if unsure where to go first. Caleb took one of them and placed it on his chest to help. “You can touch me”, and pressed Essek’s hand under his own to demonstrate. Essek used their hands to push Caleb back against the couch and make his own exploration. While Essek’s skin was near flawless (and Caleb’s heart shrank in size while seeing the marks of their fight against Lucien and their time in Aeor interrupting the endless soft purple of this wonderful wizard), Caleb knew that his own was a roadmap of his struggles. He had scars all over, and where he didn’t there was always spots and hair. Essek didn’t seem to mind. Quite the opposite. He made sure to kiss all the scars he found, his hands played with his hair where they could, his spots got the same treatment. He seemed to take Caleb’s marks as an invitation instead of an offense, and such care was almost overwhelming.

But then Essek used his free hand to lightly trace the other arm, over his forearm. He closed this hand over scars, and Caleb instinctually jerked back as if burned. He could feel his throat closing and heart beating stronger in his chest. Startled by the sudden change, Essek pulled back a bit and raised his hands in front of him, in a sign of surrender. His eyes were wide open now, concern and fear written all over. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“ Nein … no. I’m fine, it’s just-” He didn’t know how to finish that sentence, so he chose to focus on breathing again first. He could feel Essek deflate in front of him, the drow’s breathing calming as well. It helped him calm his own breathing, his heartbeat slowly, slowly, coming back to normal. 

“Caleb, look at me.” He felt a hand gingerly turn his head, and Caleb opened his eyes (he didn’t even realize they were closed, when did that happen?) to see Essek sitting back up with those knitted eyebrows again. “What’s wrong?”

Caleb slowly pushed himself up again, keeping his arms folded and gripping his elbows tight. He was not going to scratch them now.

“It’s nothing, really. Ah, I just don’t like others touching my forearm.” He knew he was being evasive, but he couldn’t help it. The story behind those scars were not really pillow talk material, and he rather not show this sin just yet.

“I should have asked first, like you did. I’m sorry. I-” He made a move to reach for Caleb with both hands, but aborted the idea halfway and let them drop on his own lap, his face increasingly worried. “I seem to have ruined the moment, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault, Essek. We can keep going, I can-”

“Caleb, you can’t even look at me right now.” He winced at that. He didn’t realize how raw he still felt from his past abuse. Essek took a deep breath and tried again, with a softer voice. “Besides, you said it yourself, we do not have to do anything at this moment.” Caleb risked a glance at Essek again, and the elf had a softer expression to match his voice. Not pity, not guilt, just patience and understanding. That helped untangle the knot in his stomach a bit. “I’m sorry” he admitted with a small rueful smile. Essek gave his own small smile back at this. “It seems we are both sorry enough for now. Could…” He seemed unsure again for all of 5 seconds, before finding his resolve. “Could I touch you again? On your face” He amended quickly, clearly still worried.

Caleb nodded and made himself look straight at Essek again. He slowly put his hand on Caleb’s cheek, caressing his cheekbone with his thumb. He looked torn between affection and worry, and Caleb felt his heart swell and break at the same time. He leaned in for a kiss, kept it chaste this time. Smiled a little easier when he pulled back. Essek looked a bit more satisfied at that, and disentangled their legs to reach for his shirt on the floor. “Do you mind if I dress again?” Essek turned back to look at the other wizard while asking.

“Not at all.” Caleb watched him dress himself again and adjust his hair a bit (he had to bit back a fond chuckle at that). Then he picked Caleb’s shirt from the floor and handed it back to him. “You seem like you would benefit from this for the moment. Not that, ah, not that I would mind if you didn’t.” He flushed at that, and that alone almost made him refuse his shirt back. But he still felt raw and exposed, so decided to take it. Once he once again had his forearms clothed, Essek sat next to him on the couch, close enough for their legs to touch, but kept his hands to himself. Caleb missed the feeling of them on him, the weight of Essek’s body over him, but the moment had passed. 

“Would you like to talk about it?” Essek was closely searching his face while he asked, and Caleb couldn’t refuse those violet eyes this time. “Not right now. Can we talk about this some other time? I want to tell you, just… not now.”

“Of course.” Essek gave him a reassuring smile, one so rare that he really couldn’t help but relax a little more. 

There was a pause between them, and then “How about tea, then? I would really like one for myself.”

“Tea sounds nice.”

“Good.” He stood up and turned back to extend his hand to Caleb. “I think I’ll make it myself this time. Would you like to accompany me to the kitchen?”

“I would, yes.” It was becoming easier to smile again. He took Essek’s hand and stood up as well, but kept holding the other’s hand on his own until Essek needed it back to make their tea.

—-----------------------

With his head still swirling with conflicting emotions and thoughts, he let the drow - his drow - lead the conversation towards their research only half paying attention as they drank their cups. By the time they finished it, Caleb was feeling more like himself, and Essek looked a bit more satisfied at that. He tentatively reached over for the human’s hand, which Caleb held promptly.

“I think I should go back to my room now, as it’s getting late. But I don’t want to leave you alone. Would you mind if I kept you company tonight?” Caleb knew what he meant, but he couldn’t resist arching a dubious brow and a sly smile at that.

“Just for company, nothing untoward. Like we used to do when you had no magic left and we could only use the hut.” The mage added hastily. Caleb’s first instinct was to say no, he had no need for a babysitter. But the last phrase, combined with the soft smile the drow gave him melted away any resistance.

“ Ja , we can arrange that. Where would you like to stay?”

Essek turned a dark shade of eggplant purple and his strain to keep his ears in place was visible, yet he managed to reply “We could stay in my room, if you don’t mind. I would suggest yours, but… too many memories.” He grimaced in the end, and Caleb knew the other was picturing him, dead, on that same bed he slept currently. It made perfect sense.

“Sure. Or we can stay in the tower too, if you want. I’m fine either way.”

He perked up at the idea, which was adorable. This man was over 120 years old, a prodigy and one of the most powerful mages of his people, and still Caleb could not stop internally gushing at how cute he was. It was intolerable and he had no intention of stopping. 

“Oh, actually, the tower does sound better. I would like that.”

“Good. Let me show you something then.”

Caleb stood up and took Essek’s hand with him, bringing the elf along. He floated all the way to his own floor, and brought him to the door to his bedroom. Suddenly Caleb started getting anxious again, his heart racing and his ginger complexion making sure the whole world knew how he felt. He looked at Essek, who was equally nervous and trying to not show, taking a bit of solace from that. It was probably a cowardly move, but it helped, so he wasn’t going to overthink it for now.

“Erm, after the last time you were here, you made me promise that I would make changes. Improve a bit in the comfort department, so to speak. And I wanted to show you what I did.”

He opened the door to let them in. He watched Essek walk in and quietly look over the antechamber, with a thick wool carpet on the floor and high quality, varnished wood for the furniture. One wall was still completely covered with rows of books, and the next had a fireplace facing very cozy chairs and a small round table between them. Caleb rubbed his short beard nervously, and started explaining himself once Essek just stared with no commentary.

“It’s not too different because I still want this to remind me of home. I just…made it more comfortable.”

“I can see that.” Essek mentioned while he eyed the newly added painting of the nine members of the Mighty Nein having dinner at the Lavish Chateau, barely two nights ago. Then he looked at Caleb with a satisfied expression. “I’m glad you took my words to heart, and made it your own.”

Then, before Caleb could say anything, his companion went straight to the door to his chambers. Essek paused only to ask demurely “may I?”, to which Caleb only managed to nod in reply since his throat became very dry.

He followed the drow inside, and pointed out the other improvements there. The larger and more luxurious space for bathing (with a larger ceramic bathtub), the larger bed with linen sheets, the large writing desk with plush chair. All furniture changed from simple functionality into something made with care. It was also all made to fit two people, comfortably. Caleb belatedly cursed his own optimism and hoped Essek would not take notice of it.

If he did notice, he never mentioned, which was a small miracle. Besides, they had other embarrassing decisions to make. Such as, how to proceed into sleeping together when there was still a lot of unresolved sexual tension between the couple, and one of them didn’t even sleep. Thankfully their days in Aeor helped, and Caleb realized they actually did have a sleeping routine, even if it needed a few adjustments for a scenario with a bed and no need of layers and layers of clothing to keep warm. It made everything else much easier.

After that, it was rather quick to lay down facing each other, indulging in small reassurances that the other was ok and comfortable and light touches on hands and faces as sleep took over. The last thing Caleb saw that day was Essek smiling at him as his own eyes closed, thinking there was no better way to fall asleep.

Chapter Text

For someone so used to keeping everything under control, it was hard to let go of it and just follow instructions. Essek felt constantly too idle and with not enough time on his hands at the same time, anxious to do things his own way while trying his best to trust his friends and their chaotic plans. He knew them well enough to understand that, even though it didn't look like it on the surface, the Nein were very competent in protecting the ones they love. He knew there was no safer place to be than with them. Still, his skin itched with the need to do something.

He got up from Caleb’s bed reluctantly, still loath to leave the warmth and comforting scent of the human sleeping next to him, but if he stayed there any longer he risked awakening the other with his tossing and turning. 

The wizard had a few stressful moments during the night; Essek could only guess that his old demons were rearing their heads in Caleb’s dreams. He gladly chased them all away with his touch and soft words, soothing the human into better rest without pulling him back into consciousness. His lips on the other’s temple made the redhead sigh and cozy up to the drow, making Essek feel like the most powerful being ever. He kept his partner safe for the night, and would do so as long as he was allowed.

Still sitting in bed, he tucked a strand of copper hair away from a sleeping face and let himself freely admire Caleb once more before getting up for the day. He still couldn’t believe his luck. Of all the possibilities, amid the chaos in their lives and their countries, they still managed to find each other, to love and be loved in return. It all sounded absurd, like Essek was living in one of Jester’s smutty novels (and that thought made him blush with the implications it held), where starstruck lovers from different sides of an impossible barrier conquered against all odds the right to be together. And yet, here he was, not only allowed, but enthusiastically invited to share this intimate moment with Caleb. Trusted with his safety and dreams. It made Essek’s chest swell with love for this wonderful human next to him. It made him want to be better to deserve it. 

A sound that felt suspiciously too close to a happy sigh escaped his lips, and the drow finally left the bed to focus on his current plans. If he wanted to be better, he needed to keep his friends safe. He looked around the room again, taking in the dark space with his keen sight.

It was still very early, the sun would not be up in at least a couple of hours, and not a sound could be heard outside. 

Essek loved these moments here, in Nicodranas. It was eerily quiet, and the harsh light of the day was far away, leaving him free to enjoy his moments alone using his drow senses. In Rosohna there was never quiet like this, since his people never really followed strict daylight hours. Sure, they all followed time blocks as close as possible to it to make it easier to deal with other kinds living in and around their Dynasty, but it was more an imposed formality than a necessity. One could easily follow a different framework without prejudice. Not here, though. Outside of his home place of origin, everyone seemed to follow the strict rules of the sun. Shops opened and closed according to it, and even the establishments that dealt with evening entertainment, such as the Chateau, at some point closed down so all their workers would have enough rest before the sun came up again. He felt like the only creature awake for vast swathes of land, free to do as he pleased.

After stretching his limbs for a bit he went to the table in the chambers, and pulled out some paper and ink to strategize. Beau might know all of his resources and Caleb and Caduceus might be preparing for his new hiding place, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t do a little planning of his own. Besides, he promised he would not leave Caleb alone until he woke up again, and needed some distraction. So he started by accounting for all his resources and possibilities, before going into all the catastrophic scenarios his mind kept conjuring up in the quiet hours of the night. If anything went awry, he would at least make sure his friends are safe, and his wizard wouldn’t get in harm's way trying to save him. He was still trying to puzzle that one out hours later, when the sun outside of the magical tower was probably already shining over the streets and opening stores, and he heard Caleb stirring awake.

“Gutten morgen,” a sleepy voice greeted him from the pile of covers, and Essek couldn’t stop the foolish grin in his face even if he tried.

“Good morning. Slept well?” 

He safely tucked his papers inside his spellbook before sending it back to his wrist pocket, and got up to float back to the bed. Once there, Essek was greeted with the adorable sight of a disheveled Caleb, still yawning and stretching below the covers, like a satisfied cat. The human’s grin was also very catlike as he replied.

“You know I did. And you? I hope I didn’t make your trancing any harder.”

“Of course not. I… er, I enjoyed this night very much.” Essek could feel his cheeks burning and his ear’s twitching, he could barely look at the human while saying it. It all still felt so… weirdly intimate, vulnerable. Was it like this when he first started dating Ristel? He couldn’t remember, it was so long ago.

He felt a warm hand capture one of his own and looked to its source in time to see Caleb kiss his knuckles and smile warmly back at him.

“I enjoyed it very much too. I, ah, I wouldn’t be opposed to repeating it whenever you like.”

Caleb’s face took on a lovely shade of pink, and Essek blushed even harder in return. By the light, will he ever stop feeling like a teenager in front of this man? 

“I would like that very much,” he confessed to the mattress below them. 

There was a moment of silence between them, just the both of them holding hands and enjoying that small reprieve from their convoluted lives, until Caleb sighed loudly and started moving out of bed.

“Well, we should get going if we don’t want the others to barge in and get any ideas. Would you rather have breakfast here or with them?”

“Ah, I think it would be best to meet them, lest they start to tease us too much about our late arrival.” He gave Caleb a shy smile while watching the other sideways. This was still too fragile to sustain their friends' hackling yet, and gods knew how much details Jester had already wrung out of him after their first kiss.

Caleb chuckled as he picked up his book holster and put it on. Essek watched completely entranced while his… boyfriend? No, that sounded way too childish. Partner? Lover? That one felt too much too fast. He was getting sidetracked again.

He watched as Caleb carefully put his gift on, like it was a treasured thing, a relic. Like Caleb always did when cupping Essek’s face in his hands, or when he caressed the drow’s arms and back while they talked in bed, waiting for sleep to take over the human. He knew he was doomed to keep falling in love with this empire wizard for as long as he lived. And for the first time, he realized he didn’t mind this fate at all.

—------------------

Once they emerged together from Caleb’s room and joined the others for breakfast Essek realized they were yet to discuss how to approach this new development in their relationship with the Nein, and suddenly became hyper aware of his interactions with Caleb. Did they always sit this close together? Would the others notice his constant blushing? Would Caleb resent him if they noticed?

Kingsley, sprawled over a chair like he was never properly taught how to sit in one, smirked openly at their arrival, and Jester gave them a knowing look, but thankfully none of them said anything too overt once more (that is, besides Jester’s “Sooooo, how did you sleep?”, stretching the vowels as she grinned at them but that was nothing new by now). He was thankful for those small blessings, at least.

After that it was a bit easier to get back into their usual rhythm, the sailor trio loudly discussing their preparations as Caleb and himself stole small glances and smiles to each other. Once they finished eating and Caleb’s hand found his own under the table, Essek was too content to worry. 

They agreed that the drow was to stay inside while the other four would search for materials for their spells and buy last minute additions to their ship before sailing the next morning. Essek felt like a burden again, but tried his best to not show. This was his own fault anyway, no need to further worry the people he loves by adding his own feelings of inadequacy to the pile. He stayed back watching as his friends left the Chateau, only to see Caleb rushing back after a few seconds. For a worrying moment, Essek thought that there was something wrong, but the other mage simply jogged back to him to steal a soft, quick kiss before leaving again with red tinted cheeks. 

Suddenly he didn’t feel like such a burden anymore, his spirits lifting again as he went back into his room to further his studies and replay last night in his head over and over again.

—-------------------------

He thought he was safe after breakfast, but once his four friends came back from the streets, Essek turned around from his desk to greet whomever entered his room (not so secretly hoping to see copper hair and freckled face peeking in) only to find a grinning Jester closing the door behind her. Oh no .

Here comes trouble.

“Hiii Essek! Can I talk with you for a little bit?” She skipped inside, her tail swishing happily behind her as she made herself comfortable on one of the couches facing the dead hearth. Essek highly doubted that it ever saw even a glimpse of fire, with the constant heat of Nicodranas, but apparently that was the fancy thing to have in these parts.

“I suppose.” He cast a last look into his studies and heaved a sigh as he got up to join her. He knew there would be no way to say no to her, so might as well skip the pretense of denial.

He sat in front of his closest friend, and just looking at her face he knew what she was here for. He loved Jester to bits, she was the first person to ever show him unwavering affection and acceptance, she was the reason his walls crumbled so quickly around the Nein, the reason why he was here, now. But he was still a very private person, and her prodding into his personal affairs was always very awkward for him. The drow knows she means well, he just wishes she wasn’t so upfront about it all.

“Soooo…. How are things with Cayleb now that you finally kissed? Are you, like, suuuper in love with each other and making out all the time?” The devilish grin she gave him was full of teeth and hunger for more. She was devouring his personal life as it was one of her novels, Essek was sure of it. He sighed again, but couldn’t help a smile creeping up on his face at the thought of kissing Caleb.

“Jester, why must you ask this? You know what happened. I don’t feel comfortable giving out details of such intimate matters.” The moment the words left his lips, he knew he made a mistake. The blue tiefling lit up like the sun immediately.

“Ohhhhhh, so there are intimate matters! Essek!!! Did you guy have sex???” The last question came out so excited it was more of a high pitched squeak than words. Essek could feel his whole face burning, up to the tip of his now pinned back ears. Shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit

“I-no, I mean… ah, Jester, this is exactly what I mean. I… I am not good at this, you know that. Please, can we just… talk about something else? Anything else?” He was not above begging.

“There’s nothing wrong if you didn’t! I mean, Fjord and I took for-everrr to get there and it was all so romantic, I think it could be even better if you guys waited! I’m just saying, you know, you two seemed so intense, I thought you’d jump each other’s bones the moment you had a chance…”

“Jester…” Was it possible for one’s face to spontaneously burst into flames? It certainly felt like that for him. He covered his face with his handles, unable to deal with that moment. 

“Fine, fiiine , I’ll stop.” She huffed an exaggerated sigh, but Essek knew her well enough by now to see she wasn’t as put off as she pretended. When she continued, her voice was thankfully serious, though affectionate. “I just wanted to know how you guys are before we head out, you know. To make sure that you two won’t go back to all that pinning. You just suffered so much for so long, I want to see you happy for once.”

How was he supposed to resist that ? Essek could feel his walls crumbling again around him, his willingness to give into the friendship overpowering any resistance he still had in keeping Jester out of the loop.

“I appreciate the concern, Jester. Truly. And things are… developing, I think. We have not managed to decide on much yet…” He made the mistake of meeting her eyes, only to find Jester’s eyebrows dancing wildly in her face, dripping with innuendo.

“I bet you didn’t do much talking yet!”

“Not like that! I mean… gods, Jester, why must you make it all so hard?” She opened her mouth to reply and he quickly interrupted whatever crass comment she was sure to make. “I understand that this development seems very exciting to all the Nein, and I am sure that you will all have many things to say about it, but for now, can you please let us at least figure things out on our own? This is all so new, I don’t even know how to… It’s been so long since I’ve…”

He started to struggle with the right words again, frustrated at how hard it was to explain something so eluding as feelings and relationships. Thankfully his friend was still kind hearted, despite her teasing, and came to the rescue.

“I know, Essek. It is hard to figure things out. Remember when I told you how I had the same struggle when Fjord and I first got together? Sometimes things get a little scary and awkward, especially when we have to be more vulnerable around people. And I know you don’t like that. But Caleb, he’ll understand. And he will never judge you for it, you know? You two are so perfect for each other, I’m just happy that you finally decided to be together.”

She reached out her hand and placed it over his, where they were resting on his lap, and gave it a little squeeze in reassurance.

“I just want to see you happy, that’s all.” 

He looked back at her, and was startled to see an honest expression on her for once. No jokes or tricks, just his friend being truly content and filled with love. He mirrored her smile, letting his own love for her show as his other hand came to rest over hers, pressing it between his own in appreciation. 

“I know, Jester. And I greatly appreciate your concern.” After a small moment of silence, he gave in. She deserved at least a bit of gossip to entertain herself at sea. And who knows, maybe after telling her, she’ll pass it along to the others and then he wouldn’t have to actually confess his feelings in front of a group.

“Ah… things are moving slow, I suppose. There are many things yet to discuss and I believe that, with both our histories, it is better this way. But I am happy. Very much so. And I will try my best to make sure that he is as well. His - and all of our friends - happiness means too much to me, I will always strive to make it a priority.”

There. It’s out in the open now. His whole heart on a sleeve, for Jester to see and take it as she wishes. He thought it would make him incredibly awkward, but despite his still burning face and twitching ears, he actually felt… lighter. Like a weight was lifted off his chest. It felt incredibly vulnerable and exposed, but at the same time, it felt good to share his happiness with someone he trusts. Is this how the others felt too, when they showed their affections so freely? If it is, he could certainly see the appeal now.

He kept his eyes on his lap and their joined hands, but after he was done Jester pulled her hand free and he accompanied the movement to watch her place it with its other hand on her face, nearly squishing her own cheeks together as she gushed at him.

“ OHMYGODSESSEKTHATISSOSWEET !!! AAAAAAAAAH! You guys are so cute together, it’s like Tusk Love all over again!!!” She gushed for a few more seconds, then calmed down enough to talk again, though the spark in her eyes never faded.

“You. Are. Going. To. Be. SO. HAPPY. Together! I just know it! I’m so happy for you, aaaaaaah! Ok, I know there’s all these stuff you guys have to talk about, and I really support that, my momma always says that communication is important and she is so right , but like, I really hope you guys stop hiding it from us. Cuz, you know we all know about it, right? Like, I know you two thought you were being discreet and all that, but you’re really not. You keep making eyes at each other all the time, and smiling and stuff, and we all knew you totally loved each other for months now! There was even a bet at some point - I think I won that one, actually, I have to check with Veth - but like, there’s nothing to hide, you know? You can just, I dunno, hold hands and kiss and stuff in front of us, we’ll be totally okay with that!”

He highly doubted that the Nein would not react to those types of display of affection, and Essek himself was not the kind to feel comfortable with it, but he decided this was a debate for another time.

“Er… yes, thank you. I will keep that in mind. And also, thank you, trully, for all your support. I don’t think that all our friends will be as quick to approve of this… new status, but I do hope they will relent, eventually. Or at the very least understand my intentions.”

“Oh they totally will, Essek, don’t worry! I mean, Veth will probably give you a shovel talk, but that’s because Caleb is her boy, you know? She still likes you as a friend! And maybe Beau too, but I promise we were all cheering for you the whole time! We totally want you guys to be together!”

“I understand, Jester. Thank you.” The drow wasn’t as convinced to the tone she probably meant, but he couldn’t blame the others for being protective of Caleb. He would be too, if the roles were reversed.

“Ok, that’s all I wanted to talk about. And, you know, I totally respect you going slow and all that, I think it’s really cute and romantic and stuff… but, just so you know, I really think you two will feel a lot better once you have sex. It’s just, it’s been so long for the both of you, you probably need it by now. I bet you’ll feel much more relaxed after it!” The devilish grin returned full force at that. Essek could not keep his own groan in annoyance.

“Jester…”

“Alright, alright, I’m leaving now!” She rolled her eyes and got up, still smiling like the cat that got the cream. Then she patted his shoulder lightly (thankfully, otherwise she might have broken a bone), and finished with “Just think about it, okay?” and then turned around to leave.

Essek watched with a mixture of annoyance and mirth as the tiefling skipped out of his room even more excited than before. He never knew that what he needed in his life was a bit of chaos, until he met Jester.

Before Jester managed to close the door, though, she bumped into someone Essek couldn’t see, but the voice that came from behind the door could only belong to one person. His own smile grew as he watched Jester’s tail swish again.

“Oh, sorry, Cayleb ! I was just talking with Essek for a bit, but don’t worry, he’s all yours now!”

Gods, he could hear her eyebrows wiggling as she said that. He also heard Caleb mumbling something resembling a thanks before he appeared at Essek’s door, still flushed from Jester’s words.

“Ah, is this a good time to talk?” He must know how cute he is when he smiles so coyly, there is simply no way Caleb doesn’t realize how it makes Essek’s resolve melt just by looking at him.

“Of course.” The drow tried his best to keep his composure, but he knew it was a losing battle. He already could not keep his smile from spreading on his face. He made a welcoming gesture with his hand and got up to meet Caleb halfway, too eager to be close to the human again to even wait the few seconds it took to cross the room.

Once they met though, they seemed to be at a loss about what to do. Essek could hear his heart beating wildly in his chest, his breathing a bit more labored for the closeness to Caleb. They were close enough to touch, to hold each other, but neither seemed sure of how to proceed. Essek’s hands itched to touch Caleb, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually go forth with it, so he just stood there. Smiling like a fool as he stared into bright blue eyes.

“Hi,” Caleb all but breathed between them, still flushed and smiling.

“Hi,” Essek breathed back. How did one act normally again? He couldn’t remember.

Caleb broke the spell first, seemingly as breathless as Essek felt. He chuckled weakly and looked down into his hands, and only then Essek realized the human did bring something with him.

“I, ah, bought some spell components for you. I noticed you were running low on chalk and pearls, and took the liberty to stock up on other items as well.”

“Oh.” He did, actually, need all these components, but he hadn’t really thought about it for a while now. Come to think of it, the last time he used his chalk and pearls was in Aeor, now over two weeks ago… oh. Caleb remembered. Of course he remembered. 

That thought should not be as romantic or arousing as it was.

“Ah, thank you. How much do I owe you for those?” He took the proffered items from the human, cherishing the fact that, when their fingers lingered, he didn’t have to pretend to be an accident anymore.

“Nothing, you owe me nothing. Think of it as a thank you for all you’ve done for me recently.” The voice that came from above his head, as Essek was still staring at his hands, was so close, so filled with something that he could not really identify, but made him shiver all the same. He looked back up at blue eyes, intensely gazing at him, searching for something in his face, and the drow couldn’t help but tilt his own head up in invitation. Caleb licked his lips, and it was like a magnet dragging his eyes towards it.

“May I kiss you?” those same lips asked him, and there was nothing else in the world but Essek and the wonderful man before him.

“Always,” he answered at the same time he closed the distance. His body finally seemed to remember how to function Essek’s arms came to rest lightly on Caleb’s hips, Caleb’s own hands cradling his face to guide him into a better angle while his thumbs caressed his cheekbone. Essek let him take the lead and allowed himself to melt into the kiss, giving in to the wonderful sensations it brought.

“I still can’t believe that I get to do that,” Caleb said, still smiling, once they parted. They were even closer now, Essek could easily wrap both his arms around Caleb’s torso, though he kept them at his waist. Their foreheads were still touching, their breath still mingling. Essek felt more than saw the smile, and was sure that he was wearing one just like it.

“I could say the same.” And then, just because he could, he leaned in for another kiss, a shorter one this time. If there was anything better in Exandria, the drow was sure he didn’t know of its existence.

Chapter Text

There was a time in Bren’s life where studying was much better with company and impromptu make out sessions in the mix. Not as effective as studying by himself, but definitely much more fun. And memorable.

After he became Caleb, those memories started to take a distorted quality to them. What he thought was pure love started to feel tainted by manipulation and trauma, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Anything that reminded him of those times felt like ash in his hands and his lungs. It took him a very long time until he was comfortable again to share his knowledge with Nott, and then many more months until he was well enough to let his interest in learning from another mage surface. It was ok, it was Caleb learning and sharing now, not Bren. Trent could not touch those memories. Until he did.

The betrayal he felt with Essek’s reveal ran much deeper than the elf knew, and Caleb was well aware that he should share that knowledge eventually. But he wasn’t ready yet. Too much, too soon. He was just letting himself feel again, they were just starting this…thing between them. He didn’t want to scare the other mage, or reopen wounds he knew Essek was just starting to close. He could be patient.

Still, studying with Essek had somehow survived all that nearly untouched. For some reason, sitting beside the man that traded state secrets with his former master didn’t bring him the tightness in his chest that his memories did. Quite the opposite. Studying with the drow never felt anything less than exhilarating. He never met anyone who could trade ideas with him like that before. He never thought he would get a better learning experience than that.

Well, he never really did, in fact. Since the new make out sessions between studies are still as ineffective as before, even though they are even better than he remembers them being. He should probably feel bad about it, since most of what they were studying was groundbreaking magic taken from relics unearthed after a thousand years. But it was really really hard to feel anything but amazing when Esseks lips and hands were all over him.

For over 18 minutes now, their papers and books lay forgotten over their study table in the tower as the human and the drow got distracted discovering much better things. Like how long it took for Essek to take Caleb’s breath away with kisses (an embarrassingly amount of 37 seconds), or exactly which parts of Essek’s pointed ears made the elf shudder and bite his lip to hold in any sound (Caleb was very much intent on making him forget to hold those back too), or how much skin contact they could get away with before things got too heated and they had to stop.

That part was also still embarrassingly short. More so because they both had spent a long time without physical intimacy and now every small touch felt like a burning torch. But they were getting better at that too, with practice. And, at least for Caleb, many moments alone to deal with his desires by himself. 

Right now, he knew they had a little more time. They were both undeniably aroused and trying their best to keep ignoring that fact. But with Essek straddling his lap and moving unconsciously as Caleb worked on a small space in his neck, there was nowhere else to go. Once the drow finally let out a moan, Caleb felt the sound traveling down his whole body and a strong shudder served as a reminder that they needed a break. Gathering all the (very little) self composure he still had, Caleb leaned back in his chair to give them some space and held Essek’s waist in its spot to keep him from following.

“Caleb? Is everything alright?” Essek asked him between his heavy breaths. With a flushed face, slightly swollen lips, hair falling down his forehead he was just breathtaking to look at. It was just incredibly unfair to have this sight right on his lap and not be able to do more about it.

“I… yes. It’s just, ah, I think we should take a minute.” He noticed his own reply full of intervals to regain his breath, and Essek’s dazed eyes sharpened again, taking him in. Caleb probably looked as disheveled as the elf. Possibly more, with Essek’s newfound obsession with his red hair, using every possible chance to run his hands over Caleb’s locks, sometimes grabbing it a bit forcefully when things got intense. Caleb could not love it more. Then Essek’s eyes fell down to their joined laps and he blushed even harder. 

“Oh. Right. Yes, you are right.”

He cleared his throat and climbed out of the human’s lap with as much dignity as possible (which was not much with a tent in his pants and short of breath) and started to float. Caleb immediately missed the heat and weight of his partner on top of him but ignored it in favor of sitting straighter on his chair and trying his best to cross his legs.

“Ah, I think we could both benefit from some tea, would you agree? I will bring some from the kitchen.” Essek informed with a strained voice and immediately turned to leave without waiting for a reply, or Caleb’s reminder that they had cats for that.

That left the empire wizard alone with his thoughts, which, for the hundredth time, were yelling at him ‘why are we not bedding the gorgeous drow yet???’. And for the hundredth time he was reminded that this choice was his own. Even though Essek showed some hesitation at first, there was nothing in his current attitude holding them back. It was always Caleb who was the one to ask for time, and even though Essek never mentioned it, he knew the other was being patient for him , not the other way around. 

It wasn’t for a lack of desire either. Because Caleb wanted , and he wanted so much . He was plagued with very vivid dreams of purple soft skin and plump lips that woke him up with a very interested body and deep longing. They have been together for only four days and already Caleb felt like he was losing his mind with how much he wanted. But there were still those nagging insecurities in the back of his mind, keeping him from going forward. There was just so much yet to talk about. He felt guilty for keeping his secrets from Essek, but at the same time he was so scared of the other’s reaction over it. His friends knew nearly all of it and met him with a mix of pity and sadness that, even if very much fitting for the situation and good for his healing, was not what he wanted to see in Essek. 

And that was not even touching the fact that his past also included knowledge of his former lovers. Would that scare the drow away? Would he think less of Caleb if he knew, or become even more insecure about his own experience (not like Caleb had much more anyway)?

Gods, he was a mess. He groaned and rubbed his face, wondering once again what Essek ever saw in someone like him. Essek was clearly beautiful, wicked smart, resourceful, driven… he was just perfect. And Caleb was… well, Caleb. He had his own appeal, sure. He wasn’t unaware of how attractive he could be when necessary. His old master made sure to make him learn all the ways he could entice people through those means, and he made use of it more than once while traveling alone and with the Nein. But this was different. This was not a honeypot, or a stranger that he could bat his eyelashes at and try to sweet talk into giving him what he wanted. This was someone he deeply cared about, and wanted to keep around but had absolutely no idea why the other would want to. And now he was also holding back on sex too, to boot. If he kept that up for long, Essek might just get tired of all the teasing and leave him behind. Why couldn’t he just go through with it and be done already???

“Caleb?”

The soft voice startled him back to the present, and Caleb realized he was spiraling again. With his hands still gripping at his head, he used them to hastily comb his hair with his fingers and tie it up again, hoping his pretense at normalcy would stick.

“ Ja? ”

“Are you ok? You seem… a bit nervous.” Great, now Essek was looking at him with concern written all over his face. One more thing to add to the list of reasons he’s the worst partner ever.

“ Ja , I’m ok. Don’t worry about it.” He used to be so much better at lying, why is it so hard now?

Essek’s worried expression morphed into one of disbelief, one white eyebrow rising in question. He didn’t buy the human’s crap for a second.

“You can talk to me if you wish to, you know this, right? If there is something wrong…” the elf’s mind seemed to be working a mile a minute, and suddenly his suspicious face took on a serious note “... if I did something wron--”

“No, no Essek, of course not.” The thought of his partner feeling guilty over his own mess was just too much. Caleb quickly got up from his seat to grab the drow’s hands where he was floating a few paces away.

“I promise you, you did nothing wrong. You are perfect, as always.” Essek blushed a deep purple at that, and looked away to try and hide his smile. There, much better now . “I’m sorry to make you worry, I was just…” Just what, Widogast? Remembering your traumatic past? Wondering when Essek will finally leave you? “...I was just lost in thought for a moment.”

The dynasty wizard looked back at him then, his brows still coming together in a show of worry. He cupped Caleb’s face as if he was analyzing the most delicate parchment. 

“Well, whatever it is, I hope you feel safe enough to share with me when you are ready. I won’t pry, but I am here to listen to your troubles, Caleb. I am not the only one in need of understanding.”

Relief finally entered his body, dissipating the tension in Caleb’s shoulders and back muscles. He held Essek’s hand in place with his own, thankful for whatever time he had with his drow.

“Thank you. And I will.”

Once Essek smiled back at him a bit more easily, Caleb took the chance to move back to their studies, with freshly brewed tea brought back with Essek by the cats. His partner still shot him a few worried looks when he thought Caleb could not see it, but within the hour they were back on track. 

—------------------

The days passed way too quickly for Caleb. Before they knew it, it was nearly time for Essek to leave Nicodranas and go live with the Clays. He was very much relieved to have somewhere safe to keep his–to keep Essek while they figure a way out of this mess, but at the same time, he had the distinct impression that their little honeymoon phase would be over once they left the Chateau. After all, Caleb would have to go back to Rexxentrum soon, to help Beau with research and planning, and there would be no more study-turned-make-out-sessions everyday. No more seeing Essek everyday, at least for a while. That thought alone made his chest tight in anguish. 

But there was no way to avoid reality. Eventually they would have to do it anyway, at least this way they had a chance of being together freely once it was over. Caleb really hoped for that outcome, no matter how small were their chances. The Nein faced worse before, they could do it again for one of their own.

Essek was to teleport the next day, after sending to Beau and getting confirmation that no one was tracing their steps and it was safe to move. Which probably meant the end of morning or middle of afternoon for them, so they still had some hours to enjoy their last moments without the Clays watching them with their knowing eyes. Caleb wanted to make these hours count.

So the day started out as normal as possible: Caleb went out to look for possible arcane supplies and make sure nothing suspicious was happening in the area, then came back to join Essek on his studies, first in Essek’s room and then in the tower, with breaks for lunch and dinner. Except this time, they were rushing to catalog everything they had and decide which material was going where (either to the Grove, with Essek, or to Rexxentrum and the Cobalt Soul, with Caleb). And when it was time to stop for dinner, Caleb requested they finish up their packing and meet up in the tower for a farewell meal together. Or a date. Ok, fine , it was just an excuse to get Essek on a date, and his ginger complexion made sure Essek knew he was right when he asked Caleb point blank about it. 

He felt like a teenager again, getting flustered about the silliest things, like going on a date or thinking about Essek as anything more than a friend. Which they definitely were, but the official name for them never really came up, and even thinking of the drow as anything like it felt like an overstep. Caleb hoped they could at least figure that one out during dinner.

He worried endlessly over his choice of clothes (which was not much to choose from, really) and fussed over every detail of the meal and the tower and the cats and his holster until there was no more time and he had to put up the tower before Essek arrived in his room. 

When the expected knock on his door came, Caleb had thankfully set up the tower a couple of minutes before, and was collected enough to welcome Essek in with a smile. His partner looked divine, as always, now dressed in delicate fabrics in Nicodranian fashion. A simple tunic over simple trousers, but still thoughtfully put together, as everything about him was always. Even the muted pastel colors complimented his skin so well, it took a few seconds for Caleb to catch his breath again.

“ Hallo ,” was all he could muster as he held the door open for Essek to walk into his room.

“Hello,” the other coyly answered. The way he still felt a little embarrassed at meeting Caleb’s eyes in moments like these was the cutest thing ever. Caleb's smile grew wider, like the lovefool that he was. 

“This way, please.” Caleb bowed and directed to the shimmering door with his arms, in a mock servant pose. 

“To our date?” Essek smiled less coyly and more amused now, clearly enjoying the way his teasing made Caleb squirm.

“Er, yes, to our date.” Caleb knew how red his face was by the amount of heat creeping up his neck and cheeks. And by how Essek’s smile let a fang peek out as it grew.

—----------------------

Despite Caleb’s very obvious anxiety, dinner went perfectly well. Essek was, as always, the best company, and tried to keep Caleb comfortable with safe talking topics, like their studies and arcane theories. Neither of them mentioned the future, for fear of spoiling the mood. Once they were done eating, Caleb had the cats bring their drinks down to the salon, where they could sit by the fire on a comfortable couch and maybe get a bit closer.

Like magnets, it didn’t take long for them to find themselves again pressed together on the couch, panting and kissing with the urgency that only the future distance could impart. Caleb was pulled on top of Essek when he leaned back into a position that was more laying down than sitting, freeing their legs to slot together and leave more space for point of contact. The human quickly took advantage of that to position himself as comfortable as possible, while not missing any opportunity to feel the cool flawless skin beneath him. No matter how many new scars the drow got since adventuring with them, he would always be flawless to Caleb. Once his hands started roaming below the tunic, though, Essek gently caught it and broke their kiss to look into his eyes properly.

“I-I’m sorry, was that too much? Should I have asked?” Alarms immediately started sounding in Caleb’s head, the fear that he might be crossing a line souring the heat in his belly. He started to back up, but Essek gripped his hands to keep him in place again.

“No, it’s not that. You did nothing wrong. I just…” a fang caught his lower lip while Essek considered his next words. Caleb’s apprehension was quelled, but barely. Then he was caught again in the pull of violet eyes staring intently at him, and everything else stopped.

“I think I should tell you that I had thought about it and–and I know that we are taking things slow but, if you are doing this for me, then you should know that I’m ready. I’m not afraid, Caleb, I trust you. And I… want you. Very much.” 

To hear that, while Essek looked straight at him, was too much. He shuddered at the implication of the words, at the desire that burst back into life and burned him beneath his skin and it took him a moment to catch his breath again. When he opened his eyes (when did he close them?) Essek was watching him with open desire in his own eyes, reflecting his feelings back at him. Caleb tried to open his mouth and reply, but nothing came out. What was he supposed to answer to that ? Still, his hesitation showed, for quickly the elf below him started to amend.

“That is… unless you–there is no obligation for that either, I just thought that, because last time, and you were so gentle I didn’t want to assume… what I mean is, we don’t have to, but if–if you want…”

Oh gods, he was ruining it again. This perfect moment, this perfect man, and Caleb was about to lose it all because he was broken. 

“That’s not–it’s not you, Essek. I do want you, so much. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.” He couldn’t help but chuckle darkly at himself, his pitiful inner war between his body and his mind and the situation it put him in. Still laying on the couch below him, Essek relaxed marginally from the tension of the last moment, but his face was still full of confusion and worry.

“I should have talked to you sooner, about all this. I should not have led you astray like that, I’m sorry. I just, I thought I would be able to get over my own issues in time and… well, I wasn’t.”

A dark hand came to rest softly on the side of his face and pull his gaze back to violet eyes.

“What is it? Can you tell me? I want to help you. Even if we never do…any of this. Caleb, I want to help, let me help.”

It was all too overwhelming. Caleb had to close his eyes again to be able to deal with the wave of feelings washing over him, the acceptance and love and pure empathy so gently put on display for him. He didn’t deserve any of it, but Essek didn’t know that yet. He needed to know.

“I can show you. I think you will understand best that way.”

He got up, ignoring the way his whole body screamed to do the exact opposite, and offered a hand to get the other up as well. When Essek took it, he didn’t let go. They went back to the main column and floated all the way up to the 8th floor, and still Essek kept holding his hand as he waited for the entrance to unlock and open. He kept holding it even as he turned around to curiously take in the space and the doors occupying it.

Caleb’s heart was hammering so hard in his chest he felt like he was going to pass out at any moment now. But he had to keep going. He had to do this. So he took a deep breath, and started telling the person he loved the most the tale of how he killed his own parents.

Chapter Text

My dear readers,

I am so sorry I disappeared for so long. It was not my intention, I swear!

I have every intention of finishing this fic and I know exactly where to go next, but life did a number of tricks on me since March (both physical and mental) so I have not been able to write. I have a few words into next chapter already written, and even a full one-shot that was beta'd but I've been lacking the time and energy to do a last review and posting.

I promise I'll be back soon. Things are starting to look up and I've found myself getting back on the proverbial horse, but I can't pinpoint a date yet. I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, and it really pains me whenever I think about it (which is a lot more than you would imagine). But I really can't make many promises right now. All I can say is that I *will* come back with more of this silly story and our wonderful wizards as soon as possible. I miss them terribly.

In the meantime, please take care of yourselves, and do indulge in the wonderful stories this website has to offer. I'll be back before you know it. ;)

All the very best,

Eowyn

Chapter Text

Essek was fairly sure he was still floating, though he couldn't feel the usual faint hum of magic anymore. In fact, he's not sure he can feel anything at the moment. 

It's like his whole body had been carved out and his insides replaced by angry wasps, buzzing all over. His mind was drawing a blank, incapable of processing the wave of information that had washed over him during the last few minutes.

After what felt like an eternity, he realized he was still staring at the open door to an experiment room, the wooden chair with its leather restraints front and center even from the outside. He slowly turned to look at Caleb, who was wearing a mixed expression of relief, terror and worry. Watching Essek's reaction to his life's story, gripping his forearms so hard his knuckles were turning white. There were angry red welts where he scratched before.

“Astrid was right. We should have killed him.” 

His own voice sounded muffled and distant, like he was hearing himself through a wall. It sounded rougher too, an angry whisper that felt too tame to convey the overwhelming desire for violence pulsing through his veins. Caleb’s shoulders dropped down a bit from their initial tense position as he breathed something between a laugh and a sigh of relief.

“Well, that might have been satisfying at the moment, but it would not serve our purposes in the long run. We said no more children at the stake, and he needed to be found guilty for that.” 

Caleb did not have to specify which ‘we’ he meant. Essek had witnessed the days it took for the trio of Blumenthal wizards to give their accounts to Beau, and how much it drained them. He knew that, by the end of it, Astrid and Eadwulf were as keen to bring Trent to justice as Caleb was. Still, it did little to abate the cold fury taking over now. Essek didn’t think there was enough punishment in this universe to compensate for what Ikithon had done.

“Well, his usefulness is done now, I’m sure no one would mourn him if his body was found in his cell one day.” 

He was still unable to keep the anger from his voice, but found that he didn’t care much either. He wanted to burn this whole floor to the ground. He wanted to choke Ikithon until the despair in his eyes faded with his life. He wanted to show up at the towers of the wizards responsible for this like an avenging ghost or an angry god and turn their insides out. He wanted– there was a small sigh in front of him, and Essek realized he was staring at the ground, lost in a spiral of hate when the one who needed him the most was standing right there, vulnerable and hurt.

He looked up. From his spot at the entrance of the floor, Caleb still held his own forearms like a lifeline, but his eyes turned incredibly fond at Essek. And suddenly that was enough to bring him back to his body. Slowly Essek could feel again how hard his jaw was clenched, his nails digging painfully into his palms. 

“I am sure that that’s very true. But I think I like his current punishment better. The dead can’t feel anything, and as it is, Trent is now forced to spend his days in a dark cell with no powers, no voice and no use of his hands. Completely at the mercy of his captors, not a shred of control over anything.” There was a glint of something fierce in those bright blue eyes for a small moment, but it was gone now, replaced by the softer gaze again, tainted by the perpetual sadness that encompassed Caleb Widogast. 

“It makes me a bit less paranoid too,” he continued. “We don’t know if he ever took safety measures for his demise, and I wouldn’t want him coming back in a different body and catching us unguarded.”

The human took a long shaky breath, and Essek realized that Caleb too was probably experiencing some dissociation after exposing his worst moments. The drow allowed that moment to wash over him as well, breathing deep to force his own body to relax a bit. After a beat of silence, looking around at the other doors, the redhead continued.

“ Ja , I think I like it better where he is now.”

It was Essek’s turn now to soften his gaze and allow a sad smile to ghost his lips.

“Yes, you are probably right. It doesn’t take away my anger, though. Or my guilt in knowing that I once associated with such monstrous people in my search for knowledge. More the fool I was.”

“Essek–”

“I should have known better, Caleb. If I hadn’t been so self centered, so selfish , I could have avoided so much hurt.”

Essek knew better than to try and take all the blame. The Nein taught him to be a bit more forgiving with his past self. But it was hard to ignore how close he had been to turning into the same monster he had helped take down. The regret of ever thinking that he could work alongside someone who hurt his friends so much. How much different was he from such abject beings, if he negotiated and helped them?

But then Caleb, sweet, wonderful Caleb, with his impossible fond eyes and impossible big heart forced Essek to focus on his words.

“I thought we decided that there’s no use in self flagellating over the past, friend. We were the ones who took away the possibility to change it, remember?”

Essek was definitely floating, he knew it now. Because he could feel his body again, and see his own feet hovering over the ground as he stared at his hands, imagining all the metaphorical blood he had on them. He still didn’t move when he heard and felt Caleb’s presence next to him, but finally looked up once the human took his hands into his own, purple on white interlacing tenderly. Caleb was looking at him with such fondness that he was helpless to reflect it back on his own face, though it still hurt to think about how he did not deserve any of it.

“You could have done it. You could have brought them back, and saved yourself and your friends from such a horrible fate.” He couldn’t bring himself to ask Caleb why he didn’t, but the question hung between them anyway.

Caleb’s sad smile turned into a grimace, and he looked down at their linked hands as he took a moment. Essek waited patiently, fingers caressing the human’s hand to let him know that he had all the time he needed. That there would be nothing but love and comfort for him.

“I… I couldn’t. I thought I did. For so long, I thought I would be able to do it and change everything. But then I met the Nein, and—and I met you, and… I couldn’t risk it.”

When he looked back up, Caleb’s expression was one of deep pain, but also love. It broke Essek’s heart to see it. The human let a watery smile spread over and kept going.

“I saw you give up everything to keep us in your life and to keep your own growth, and I understood then. The ramifications of any change, the infinite possibilities it could create. As much as I want them back, I know now that I could not predict the consequences of this choice. I could have made it so much worse in trying to make it better. I could have ruined the lives of so many people, trying to fix my own pain. And I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t risk it.”

The human grabbed the elf’s hands harder and his gaze now held the fire he handled so well.

“ You taught me that, Essek. You showed me how even the best intentions can blind us to dark possibilities, and how to skirt temptation. Everything you did since that day on the Balleater – and even before that, if we’re honest – you didn’t just change yourself. You changed us. We all learned with you, alongside you. You will forever be one of us for it, and much more.”

“I… never knew that. Never thought of it this way.” To say that Essek was surprised was an understatement. The whiplash from the feelings rushing through him, from anger to sadness to so much affection his heart could explode. It was a lot. He blinked at Caleb, at their hands, at the doors around them. He kept his eyes locked on their hands, lest Caleb’s eyes made him speechless again.

“I hope that my example will not make you regret your decision. But know that I will help you in anything you decide. Always.”

A pale hand left their linked position to rest under Essek’s chin and gently pull his face back to its owner. He let it happen, and found himself staring into soft blue eyes again, so much closer now. 

“I say the same to you, liebling . Whatever you decide, I’ll help you. We will all help you. Please never forget that.”

Essek let himself get lost in the blue, let himself be brought closer and lost himself to the feeling of warm soft lips pressing against his. He let all his feelings show in the kiss, short and chaste as it was. When they parted, Caleb moved his hand to gently scratch the shorn hair at the back of Essek’s head as it pulled them forehead to forehead. 

“I won’t forget. I’ll never forget, or take it for granted.”

“Good.”

They stayed like that for a while longer, just enjoying the closeness and letting the tension from before wash away until Essek gently straightened up, realizing where they were still.

“Would you like some tea? I believe we could both benefit from some right now.”

Caleb’s smile was not as watery as before, and it lifted a weight in Essek’s chest.

“ Ja , I’d love that. Maybe with some whisky on it?”

They both chuckled as they left the floor.

“Anything you want, Caleb.”

—--------

Once in the dining room, Essek decided that tea would not cut it this time and instead requested one of the cats to bring them hot cocoa with a bit of whisky. He didn't miss the genuine smile on Caleb's face when Essek called the cat by name, and a bit more of the knot in his stomach unfurled. His human was still a bit stiff and jumpy from his tales and Essek longed to make sure he was back to normal as soon as possible.

They drank their steamy cups while slowly getting back to a lighter mood, talking a little bit about spell runes and the similarities between their schools of choice, or small encounters with the other members of the Nein. It was a bit stunted at first, and awkward. 

Despite his decades of experience in court, Essek had no desire to do anything as boring as small talk with someone as brilliant as Caleb. It just felt like a waste of a good opportunity. Unfortunately, that left a lot out of the table when their usual subjects were a bit too dense for the moment. So it took them some time to find their footing, but once they did, it all connected naturally. Caleb always made these things feel so easy and effortless, while Essek knew for a fact that he was not good at all of this relationship… stuff. And yet, here he was, completely engaged in a conversation about his life under one of the most powerful dens of the dynasty, sharing childhood memories like he was used to it. 

He did it mostly to see Caleb's eyes light up at every bit of personal information he got, and the way his body slowly relaxed as he laughed at Essek's childhood antics. Mostly. A small part of him, though, realized that recounting those stories made him feel lighter, more real. Like he was a full person again, not the untouchable marble of perfection he was supposed to be at all times. He blushed when Caleb cooed at how cute he must have been as a child, and his heart felt like it could burst from his chest with how full it was. 

It surprised him to realize that the vulnerability he used to feel while sharing about himself was not as scary this time. Somehow, at some point, he finally understood that he was safe here, with these people, and that he was not at risk of ridicule when letting them into his inner world. He never thought this was even possible.

These people knew his worst traits and they still stayed by him. Still loved him, still took him in as one of them. It felt too good to be true, sometimes. But he was trying to let go of the paranoia, just this once. Just this once he was willing to try trusting others fully.

Caleb laughed and reached for Essek's free hand over the table to interlace their fingers, and the elf was brought back to the moment. He couldn't help staring at the scars, knowing what he now knew. He desperately wanted to make Caleb feel like he was safe now, that Essek would never judge him or leave him to suffer alone again, but he lacked the words to do it properly. This kind of intimacy was never his strong suit. It made him feel wrong footed and scared. 

He tried not to make his staring too obvious but it seemed like he failed badly, for Caleb's laughter subdued, his other callused hand coming to rest atop their joined ones before trailing up the exposed forearm. The redhead traced a few of the scars lightly, avoiding the elf's eyes.

"It's ok to ask questions, schatz . I won't mind."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to–"

"It's alright. I'd rather you ask your questions now, so we can move on."

Well, when he put it like that…

Essek cleared his throat and adjusted slightly in his chair, trying to find the right words again. He hated not having the same depth of vocabulary in Common. Such a delicate topic would be hard enough in his own native language, having to do it through two cultural and language barriers made it all twice as hard.

"I, ah, I don't mean to intrude. And if you feel like I am crossing any boundaries I would thank you for letting me know."

He waited for Caleb to nod, and gathered his courage again. He stole two beacons from right under his queen's nose, he could do this.

"Do they hurt? Or… bother you in any way?"

Caleb sniffed and brought his head up, jutting his chin out a bit. His usual posture when he was getting under a mask. They both were aware of it, and it stung a little to not be able to see behind the curtain of Caleb's true feelings, but it was also expected by now. They had been through enough hard talks to know how the script went.

" Nein , they are just bumps in my arms by now. In fact, I have lost feeling in some of them, from all the scarring."

"I see."

Essek took a moment to digest the answer and think about his next question while Caleb patiently waited for him, looking straight into his eyes but not really all there. He hated it.

Before he could open his mouth, though, something flashed over muted blue eyes and dark auburn eyebrows frowned for a second. And then Caleb continued with a less robotic voice.

"They do bother me, sometimes. When I'm anxious or stressed or when I… remember things. They itch. Or burn. Or both. Sometimes it feels like the shards are still in there, even though I know he always took them out in the end. Like a phantom limb, except I never lost one."

His eyes were still muted, but there was an effort there to bring some feeling to his voice. Essek didn't know if he should feel proud of Caleb for his efforts, or angry for him and what he went through. Probably both. He caressed Caleb's hand instead, the one he was still holding over the table, between their now forgotten mugs.

"Do you not like it when I touch them, then? I can avoid your forearms if you want," he asked the pale hand on the table. 

A thumb started caressing his hand back, then disentangled them. For a moment, Essek thought he had gone too far and was terrified that Caleb was about to leave the conversation. But then Caleb's right hand came up to hold Essek's, and placed it over his left arm, still stretched over the hard wood created entirely by his mind. Essek could live a thousand lives and never get over how impressive this man was.

"You can touch me anywhere you want, Essek Thelyss. Your hands are always welcome."

The other's voice dropped to a low murmur full of intent, and the drow quickly snapped his head up again. He was met with a burning gaze that started a pool of heat low in his belly. His name never sounded sweeter than coming out of Caleb's lips.

But that was the core of the issue, wasn't it? The whole reason they were here in the first place. A dark part of him - a side of Essek's mind that whispered in the night about his shortcomings when he was alone and had no news of his friends - was back again, reminding Essek of how an hour ago Caleb panicked under his touch. That part that told him he should be someone Caleb would recoil from, not embrace. That he had no right to enjoy the company of someone he helped suffer, even if indirectly.

His throat was too dry again. Those blue eyes, too piercing. He focused on the scarred skin under his hand, too afraid to move brusquely and startle the human again. When he found his words, they came out too frail for his liking.

"Then why… what was it that stopped you before? I must have done something to– to trigger that reaction." 

" Schatz… "

He was rambling now, but he couldn't stop.

"If I am doing something to remind you of this– this monstrosity , maybe I can help you. Or not, if you don't wish to. We don't need to even do anything, ever. I just don't want to hurt y–"

"Essek."

Caleb's tone of voice left no room for discussion, so Essek stopped and faced Caleb once more. To his surprise, the other's expression was not one of sadness or anger, but just full of compassion. Essek wanted to kick himself for once more being the one comforted and not the other way around.

"I think there was a bit of a miscommunication here. The reason why I reacted so poorly before was not because of the memories of these shards in me," there was venom in the way Caleb spat the word 'shards', but it was the only time he showed any negative emotion.

"The reason why I reacted that way was because, whenever we had any of those sessions, or whenever we needed to interrogate someone or we just got back from being punished… every time one or all of us were in a bad place, the three would seek comfort together. I think– I think that my body just associates some things that it shouldn't because of it."

Oh. Well. That hadn’t crossed Essek's mind before. 

He tried not to picture a teenage Caleb (no, not Caleb, not yet). A teenage Bren, traumatized and tortured, holding tight to two equally tortured teenagers Astrid and Eadwulf, with no idea of how to navigate any of this and trying to survive. He pictured Trent Ikithon alone in a dark cell, instead, being fed like a toddler and completely helpless. It helped, a bit.

Essek tried to find something to say in return, but his mind kept coming back empty. His hand was still resting stiffly atop Caleb's forearm. He forced himself to relax and decided to try his luck. 

He reached for the inner part of the elbow, where the skin was still scarred but a bit smoother, his dark purple fingers slowly running over each bump on their way. His thumb rested on the junction between forearm and arm, passing back and forth over the darker green-blue lines that hinted at veins and felt the pulse below the skin speed up. He looked up to check, and was met with the same hungry eyes as before. A good spike then. He let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"What can I do for you, Caleb Widogast? What do you need from me?"

The pulse under his thumb jumped again at hearing Essek speak his full name. He smiled back knowingly, and filed that for later. Right now Essek was trying to be supportive, no matter how hard Caleb made it to stay focused.

A smirk showed on the redhead's face, but whatever dirty remark he thought of was discarded. Caleb opened his mouth to reply, but then closed it again, brow furrowed. After a few seconds he tried again.

"I… actually don't know. I guess I never really thought about it before. It's been so long, I guess I just never considered necessary. I'm sorry, schatz , I am an even worse mess than I realized."

The smile Caleb put on was probably meant to be reassuring and a bit self-deprecating, but the pain was still written all over his face.

"There is nothing to feel sorry for, Caleb. I am here for whatever you need, understand? We'll just… keep going at your pace, yes?"

Essek had no idea what he was doing. He hoped he was choosing the right path by letting Caleb hold the reins, even though it was the coward's way out. Though it did make Caleb relax and smile again.

The human took the elf's hand from his arm and brought it over to his lips, kissing it a few times.

"Thank you."

"Thank you ."

—--------

The move to the Blooming Grove was, thankfully, without issue. They were all clearly on high alert, but it seemd that the Kryn spies were not on to them yet. Essek was well received by the Clays and welcomed into their tiny spare room (that Essek suspected was probably a small closet before he came in, but was too polite to ask). He offered to help with everything and anything he could, both as a way to thank his hosts and to occupy his mind. They had him helping out with the garden, and using his once very prestigious magic to clean the house. They even taught him a bit of cooking, and how they made some of their tea (after he very solemnly promised to never share these recipes with anyone).

Constance was a warm motherly figure, constantly fretting over Essek to make sure he was comfortable and happy, while keeping him busy with the tasks around the house. Corrin and Cornelius were nice enough company, though they seemed a bit shy. Colton and Calliope were warm enough, but kept going out for their own adventures, so they never managed to build any real bond with him, while Clarabelle followed him around like a lost puppy, asking questions about his life, about Xhorhas and going on long tangents about her love of bugs. Of the family, he liked Clarabelle the most, though he would never admit it out loud. She reminded him too much of Jester to resist her youthful energy.

And then there was, of course, Caduceus. Essek never had much of an opportunity to get to know the firbolg better before, and was anxious about living with him and his family at first. And despite a few awkward moments during the first two days, the drow soon found his footing within this new dynamic. He found that the Clays were very much accepting and easy to accommodate, if not as open and forcefully friendly as the Nein were. 

Watching Caduceus interact with his siblings reminded Essek of his childhood with Verin, before they were both too ‘serious’ and ‘grown up’ to put jam in the other’s books or using graviturgy to levitate said brother when he was being too smug. Well, mostly it was Essek who was too serious or grown up for that. He needed the respect of his elders if he was to advance in his career, and playing with his brother was a part of his life that had to be sacrificed for this goal. He wondered if Verin still missed those days, if he still wanted to complain to Essek that he was being an asshole, if he still questioned if he was the one to blame. The sharp pain that Essek felt at these memories was like a wound he could not stop himself from poking, to feel again the punishment for his own terrible choices. He wondered if Verin would ever forgive him.

The work on the house helped him keep his darkest thoughts at bay, and Essek was deeply grateful for that, but the nights were still a problem. At the end of the day, he was still an elf at a firbolg house, with at least four hours to kill every night while everyone else slept. Most of them he spent regretting his past and trying to think of strategies to stay out of the queen’s grasp without endangering his friends. The other times he spent wishing he had more time with Caleb, missing his voice, his warmth, his lips. Those were the hardest ones to deal with, especially when he was a guest in a tiny tiny house with little to no privacy to deal with the way his body insisted on reacting whenever he thought too much about his new… about Caleb.

And it’s not like he never saw the man again. Even though he was stuck in hiding, Caleb still showed up whenever possible, stealing moments alone amongst the trees and the plants or dining with the Clays while telling all that was happening in the outside world. Or even the one night he managed to stay over, sleeping next to Essek and waking up to the most wonderful few minutes of intimacy. The night after that was the hardest of all.

Still, the first two weeks in the Grove were one of the loneliest Essek felt in a while. Even surrounded by people, the knowledge that his friends were scattered around, trying to help him, was one that weighed on his chest constantly. He had never felt so useless. And watching the love around him only helped him remember the bonds he lost or missed. It wasn’t the Clays’ fault, of course it wasn’t. Essek was deeply grateful for them, and felt his fondness for the family grow steadily every day. But now that he knew what it was like, to have friends he could trust with his life, to love and be loved so freely, its absence felt like a missing limb. He nearly begged Caleb and Beau to send him whatever books and documents they could spare to help with the research, and threw himself at it whenever possible.

It was a little after a month into this new routine that he noticed something different around the house. Constance and Corrin were more gossipy than ever, but refused to let Essek in on the subject. Which in and of itself was already very suspicious, since it took no time for Essek to be welcomed into their little fold and trade snippets of stories about the people they knew. But Essek also knew how sensitive he still was to some more… intimate issues, and that the two women would sometimes keep him out of the loop for his own sense of decency, so he let it go.

But then he noticed that Caduceus kept watching him closely, more than he usually did, and refused to share his thoughts. And then even Cornelius kept glancing at him and pretending he was not caught in the act, and Essek’s dormant paranoia reared its head again. What were these people plotting?

He tried to put on back his old mask again and pretend he didn’t notice anything amiss, but then they kept him from helping out in the garden and Essek realized that whatever wall that guarded his feelings before had crumbled to dust, and openly pouted about not being able to tend to his plants. He didn’t even try to hide his sour mood, hiding in his small quarters all afternoon, re-reading a book he brought with him about some magic or another. His mind didn’t care anymore as long as he could silently curse the universe like a moody teenager. 

When dinner time came, Constance called him over lovingly, as she always did, pointedly ignoring Essek’s lack of good manners as she accompanied him back to the kitchen. No one mentioned whatever it was that they were up to, but at least they all seemed too engrossed in the food to keep giving him weird looks, so Essek managed to relax a fraction and at least enjoy his own meal in peace. Before he could go back to his bed and resume sulking, though, Caduceus caught Essek by the arm.

“Mr. Essek, before you go, may I talk to you for a minute?”

The drow looked around to see the family going about their usual routine, though a part of him wondered if they were just pretending not to care while they snooped. Either way, Essek doubted this conversation would need any more privacy than what they already had. He shrugged as nonchalantly as possible.

“Yes, you may.”

The tall firbolg relaxed and smiled at that, and his grip on Essek’s arm turned into a friendly presence.

“I know that this is not the ideal situation for you. We are a bunch of loud people living in a very tiny house and you are used to something entirely different. So we are all very glad that you seemed to adjust so quickly to our routine.”

“Trust me, Caduceus, your family has been nothing but very kind to me, and I am very much grateful for your help. What I was or was not used to has no bearing to the situation. I am glad to be of any help at all.”

He was still mad, sure, but he would never be so spiteful as to not show his appreciation of the opportunity he received whenever possible. Whatever it was that the Clays kept from him, Essek’s fondness for these people would always take precedence. He internally chuckled at that, and wondered when he had changed this much. Or was it always there, this willingness to love so openly, and he’d just never had the chance to do this before? 

Caduceus continued, oblivious of his internal questioning.

“Well, we are certainly glad to have you here as well, Mr. Essek. You have helped us immensely in repairing our temple, and even Calliope can’t seem to find anything about you to be annoyed at. That is a big feat, let me tell you.”

They both smiled at that. Calliope was as lovely as all the other members of the family, but the sibling bickering between her and Caduceus was constant. They all brought out a side of his friend that Essek doubted even the rest of the Nein were used to seeing. It was a peek into Caduceus’ personality that was quite rare, and the drow felt very lucky to be able to witness it. But then he watched the usually serene face in front of him turn a bit sad again, and Essek’s stomach dropped.

“Still, I know it has been hard for you. And I am aware - well, at least I was told - that when one enters a new romantic relationship, one usually misses the other company much more than usual. I hope you will excuse me for assuming so, but I believe that part of your current mood has something to do with the absence of our Mr. Caleb.”

Essek blushed and squirmed under that knowing gaze. He knew there was no use in denying the obvious, but he still felt quite unsure as to how much he was willing to say about this new development. How did Caleb make it all seem so effortless? He tried to hide a nervous smile behind his hand but there was no hiding how his ears twitched.

“I, ah, I’m not as well versed in these things as I may seem, but I believe you might be right on that account, yes. I apologize if I have been giving the wrong impression to the others, though.”

Is that why they were all acting weird? Did they see him pinning and thought he was somehow unhappy with them? If so, there was a lot of apologizing Essek had in his immediate future.

“No, no, nothing of the sort,” oh thank the Light . “We just wanted to make sure you had a little bit of normalcy in your life, something to remind you why you are here now, you see? Sometimes we need reminders of our goals, otherwise we might get lost in the moment and start down a dark path.”

Caduceus’ brows furrowed at this and he looked back at the now empty kitchen, lost in thought for a moment. There was a memory there, a recognition of something painful that made Essek want to reach out and try to take away from his friend, to protect him. But before he could do anything, Caduceus’ long ears swinged with the movement of his head, shaking away whatever clouded his mind. When he turned back to Essek, his face was as serene and calm as ever.

“All of us here, we just want you to be happy, Essek. We know you carry a lot of pain and guilt, and you are still learning to grow, but we believe you should learn to enjoy happiness too, from time to time. To remind you why you decided to travel down this path in the first place. So, once again, we hope you will not fault us for our meddling, but we have a little surprise for you. In your bedroom.”

Whatever it was that Essek expected of this conversation, it was not this. His shock must have shown plainly on his face, because Caduceus only smiled wider and jutted his chin in the direction of the spare bedroom Essek called his. He looked back at the closed door not far from where they were standing, and felt the firbolg’s hand on his arm give him a little encouraging push.

“Go on, enjoy it. You deserve it.”

Essek turned his head back to Caduceus to thank him, but the other was already walking away.

“Ah, thank you…?”

“You’re welcome. Ah, and don’t worry about us, we are all heavy sleepers.” Caduceus said over his shoulders as he kept walking to his room, leaving Essek even more confused. Surely they didn’t mean anything too crass, right? Was this a prank? Were they bringing him into the sibling pranking system? Maybe that is how they were letting him know he was one of them now?? Luxon knows he wouldn’t put it past the Nein to do something like that and, well, Caduceus is one of them…

Very gingerly, Essek approached the door to the room he was occupying not two hours ago. Surely they didn’t have the time to trap the door, right? Just to be safe, he prepared a dispel magic before reaching for the doorknob, suddenly feeling very much on edge. Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves and focus on any possible attack, Essek quickly turned the knob and yanked the door open, arms stretched out in front of him in a defensive stance. Nothing. No buckets fell over his head, no strings were tied to the door, nothing jumped or tried to tackle him to the ground. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for a magical shimmering door to the wall on his right, and a human figure smiling smugly at him next to it.

“ Hallo, schatz .”