Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1st Year

Baz

“You got everything, kid?”

“Yeah, it’s all in the bags”

“Well let’s get going then.”

Fiona’s trying to pretend she isn’t upset I’m leaving. I’ve been living with her for the past year since I decided I wanted to and my father didn’t put up a fight when I asked. I finished packing a few days ago out of anticipation and I’ve checked that everything is in there at least five times since then.

 Fiona says I don’t need much for Watford, but I figured future me would appreciate having stuff from home in case I miss it. Fiona is taking one of my bags from my arms while unlocking the doors to the car, me following and going to the left side of the car. 

“Back seat, El.” She says as I reach for the front passenger seat door

“Why? You scared of me getting us into an accident?”

“No, you’re just a fucking child and I don’t need your father bitching about this. So, back seat, kiddo”

I groan and open the door to the back seat, throwing my bag beside me. This one’s got all my clothes packed in it. Fiona turns on her terrible music to the highest possible volume and turns her neck around to face me.

“Ready, kid?” 

I nod.

After a drive that feels like hours with Fiona’s awful music blasting, we arrive at Watford. Fiona parks outside the gates and picks up one of my bags, leaving the other two for me to carry. 

The school is huge with different buildings scattered around the campus. We get through the main gates and walk to the inner ones, we could have driven up to the inner gates and parked inside, but Fiona didn’t want to accidentally hit kids on our way in, so we’re walking.

 As we get closer I can see more of the school and its buildings and the people. I know the names of all the buildings since I used to live here with my mother during the school year before she passed. I was five when that happened. When she died and I got turned. I think Fiona’s a bit scared that being here will make me sad and remorseful and miss my mother, but I think I’m more than willing to be here so I can learn more about her. She was the headmistress before she died and the mage took over, which has led to my aunts never ending hatred for him and his heir.

  “The gates wouldn’t even let her in! That’s the entire reason the mage made Sarah his heir! Because she couldn’t fucking get in without it! What a load of bollocks that is!” I heard her complain all about Sarah and the Mage on our way here and I’m a bit exhausted from it, to be honest. 

We get through the inner gates and make our way onto the courtyard, where a gathering of other first years are stood around, looking wide eyed and frightened by the new scenery. The crucible ceremony is tonight so most of the first years are here by now, either waiting outside or in the great hall having tea with their parents for the last time until the winter holidays. I spot a chubby girl with a mess of red frizzy hair on top of her head with a girl a bit taller than her following, looking around nervously. The girls got mid shoulder length curly golden hair, half of it tied into a bun at the back of her scalp. Blue eyes and a broad frame. 

Sarah Snow.

Fiona points to her from behind me. “That’s her. Be as much of an asshole as you can be to that kid, ok, El?”

“Got it” I nod and turn back to face her

“Alright, I gotta go, so. Have fun, kiddo. I’ll come for you in the winter and you can tell me all the shit you’ve done by then to Sarah.” she smirks “But just, be good, ok? Don’t do anything too stupid. But piss off the Mage while you’re at it-”

“Do you want me to cause distress or not?” I interrupt. She smiles.

“Cause as much shit as you can, Eleanor.” She hugs me and then quickly lets go to head off. She knows I’m not a fan of my full name, so she doesn’t use it nearly ever unless she’s being formal of some kind. But I appreciate the use of my full name in this situation because it’s her way of saying she loves me without actually having to say it. Pitches hate being soft.

I scope out the crowd of other students, eventually spotting Dev and a pale, weedy boy beside him. Dev’s my cousin from my dad’s side, so I know I get along with him, but I’m not sure of this other kid. 

“Hey Eleanor! This is Niall!” Dev waves to me and points to the boy at his side once I’m in hearing range

“I prefer El now, actually.” I say formally. Matter-of-factly. El sounds less like Eleanor. Which is good because Eleanor sounds too much like someone I’m not. I don’t know if I’m sure how to explain my disconnect from my own name, but El is just better for now.

“Okay, well, El, this is Niall. NIall, this is El, my cousin.” Dev is smiling, he must be excited to have a friend here that isn’t a blood relative.

“Hi.” Niall says quietly. He must be shy. I don’t mind. I stick my hand out to him, he takes it and we shake. Our hands pull away and he looks at me with a small smile on his lips, then turns to Dev. 

“When does the Crucible ceremony start?” Niall asks

“Soon. I think. Maybe around 5:00?” Dev replies, looking to me for confirmation. It’s about 4pm right now. 

“Yeah at about 5:00” I really don’t wanna stand around and chitchat for the next hour but I suppose I have no choice.

Simon

The Crucible ceremony has just started, and I’ve been following the Mage and Penny around for the entire day. I met Penelope yesterday and she immediately decided we were friends, which I’m ok with, because I know nobody else here. She’s got bright red hair (which I’ve learned was a spell gone wrong) so it’s easier to spot her amongst the crowd of people getting pulled to their roommates for the next 8 years. Penny starts moving towards a girl with pointy ears and pastel blue dyed hair. They shake hands and that’s it. They’re bound as roommates now. 

I’m starting to believe the magic isn’t working for me, that maybe I’m not a mage at all, and I’m getting nervous. I can feel myself sweating so I take off my sweater and tie it around my waist. I’m wearing an old t-shirt and trackies that the care home I was in before the Mage found me gave me. 

The Mage said that my uniform will be laying on my bed once we get assigned rooms, and I’m excited. I’ve only ever gotten hand-me-downs and whatever was cheapest at a second hand store, never new clothes that were made for me, I feel a bit like royalty. 

I’m still waiting. It’s been ten minutes of watching everyone around me shake hands and converse and I’ve gotten nothing. Maybe I should talk to the Mage…

And then I feel it. All the magic pulling me forward. I stumble and look for whoever could be my roommate. I see a girl with grey-tan skin approaching me. She’s got long, wavy balck hair that reaches past her shoulders and she looks so pissed to see me moving towards her. I know this girl, the Mage went on a rant to me about the family she comes from. 

Eleanor Grimm-Pitch.

I’m holding my hand out to her, waiting for her to take it, but she refuses, standing there with her arms crossed. 

“Snow.” She says, looking me up and down

“Yeah?”

“The Mage’s heir.” 

I don’t know why she’s saying all of this. It’s all true, we both know it, so I’m not sure why she feels the need to repeat it all. I’m still holding my hand out to her, and she still isn’t taking it, the prick. 

It takes her a long ass time to take my hand, the iron’s almost melted. I don’t know how she could bear the magic for so long, I felt like I was going to throw up if I didn’t take her hand right away. We got assigned to our rooms, we are in the Cloisters near Penny, and Eleanor is already a living nightmare to live with. She started off with making a list of ground rules that I have to follow or she’ll “ground up my bones to a fine powder.”

No. 1. I can’t go on her side of the room

No. 2. No touching any of her stuff in the bathroom 

No. 3. No touching any of her stuff in general

No. 4. She takes morning showers so I should include that into my schedule

No. 5. Avoid her by all means

That's it. Five rules. All of which I plan on breaking at one point or another, out of spite towards her perfect-ness and entitlement. With her stupid perfect hair and stupid perfect face and stupid fancy richness and her stupid perfectness. She could do anything and nobody would care because she’s so stupidly perfect that nobody bothers to correct her when she’s being wrong. I want to switch roommates immediately, but I decide to hold out for at least a month before I ask. So here we are. A month of stupid bloody perfectness.

Baz

Sharing a room with Sarah is like sharing a room with a loose bear, she shows no boundaries and just does what she wants. She also barely talks, and when she does it’s just a mess of stutters and stammers. I know that she grew up in care homes with no one to talk to, and that her awful speech probably derives from that. I also know that I shouldn’t be a dick to her about it.

 But I still am a dick to her about it, even though I feel terrible afterwards. I just want Fiona to be proud of me, and this is what she asked me to do. To be a complete and utter arsehole to Snow. So that’s what I’m doing.

Simon

I’ve held out for three months with Eleanor, and I’m finally bloody tired of it. I’ve asked the Mage to switch roommates, but he refuses.

“The Crucible drew you together, you must treat her like a sister.”

“Well she’s an awful sister in that case.” I mumbled. And then he sent me back to my room so I could rest up before he put me to training the next day. 

That’s something the mage does, sends me off on adventures or training for adventures every other day. It’s brutal, and I hate it, but there’s nothing better for me to do. 

Penny says it’s stupid to make an eleven year old go to fight big magickal creatures, she doesn’t like the Mage, and she thinks I should tell him I don’t want to do it. But it’s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s that I’m not sure how to do it without going off. 

The Mage says I’ve got magic like nobody else’s, which is true, I’ve got so much magic. Enough to cover the entire world with it all. Enough to defeat anything that comes in my path. But that’s the thing, it’s so much that I don’t know what to do with it. It’s too much to know what to do with. It doesn’t help that I’m terrible at wand work.

 The Mage gave me his fathers wand, Penny thinks that’s why I’m terrible at spells, because I don’t have a wand from my parents or my biological family. 

I don’t have a biological family. I’ve got care homes, sometimes the odd foster family, Penny, and the Mage. That’s it. That’s the closest I’ll ever get to a family. 

My real parents left me at a care home with Sarah Snow written on my arm, the workers there assumed that it hadn’t been too long after I was born before my parents put me there. They thought maybe only a few days or so since I was born, so my birthday’s listed as June 21st.

 I never celebrate, never saw the point in doing anything for a day I’m not even sure I was born on. Just an anniversary for when my parents decided they didn’t want me. I don’t think they left me because they didn’t want a child, if they didn’t want a child why didn’t they just abort it? But I think they weren’t as ready as they thought. 

Which is great for them, out there living their best life probably not even briefly thinking of the child they left, but it sucks for me. Stuck in the system with speech issues from having nobody to talk to. Just stuck. Until the Mage told me I had magic, and then I ended up in a school for mages. With a rude roommate who doesn’t talk to me unless she wants to say something snarky. Lovely. 

I’m going on another mission today. To fight off some trolls or something similar. I’m excited, but it’s cold out and I’m freezing. It’s the end of November and I’ve only got a worn out jacket. The cold’s nipping at my skin and leaving it red. 

I’m usually incredibly warm, just an endless ball of heat, but I’m still cold. I’d kill to be back at Watford right now, which is what I’m doing, I guess. About to kill some old stupid trolls just for validation from an old man with a moustache.

 I love the Mage, but he’s getting on my nerves with his constant taking me on missions. I’ve got other bloody issues! Like how the hell do I move my wrist right to properly cast a spell to keep my boater on my head! 

I usually get Penny to spell the boater on because I can never do it, but it’s still annoying that I can’t be practicing how to do the spell on my own because instead I’ve got to be out in the cold swing the Sword of Mages at some stupid trolls. 

Trolls aren’t stupid but I just hate them a lot so I’ve decided that is the equivelent to being stupid. They’ve got green-ish skin and a stubby figure. 

There’s a troll in front of me right now. Licking his lips. Holding a sharp rock. Staring at me like something he wants to kill, which is true as far as I’m concerned. I summon the Sword of Mages with the incantation and hold it steadily. 

He looks me up and down (we’re about the same height so it looks a little weird) and he comes at me, holding the rock in the area of my stomach. I slash my blade right through his neck, leaving his head to roll on the ground, staining it with dark red blood. 

The odor smells awful, I’m gagging. I look around to find the mage, staring at me. He doesn’t look proud. Whatever. He gestures his hand to where I just killed the troll, and all the sudden there are at least seven more surrounding me.

 Perfect. 

Baz

Snow’s gone on another mission with the Mage and as much as I despise her, I feel bad for her. She doesn’t deserve to be set to murdering magical creatures every other day just to please some grown man in a Robinhood costume.

 She’s just an eleven year old girl, she may be a powerhouse of magic, but she’s still just a girl. A girl who doesn’t know anything about her parents or how to do magic.

 Maybe I shouldn’t be so mean to her if she’s just a girl, but I’m also just a girl. A girl who wants to make her aunt proud. 

It sounds wrong, but I’m not sure which words sound wrong. None of the words sound wrong individually, but together they all sound wrong. I’ve been doing a lot of questioning about words lately. Not the idea of them just. Words. Words that refer to me. Those are the confusing ones. 

Like Eleanor, I’m not sure about that word, but I’m also not sure what’s wrong about it. 

It’s just a name. It’s my name. 

No it isn’t nags a voice in my head. It is my name. Eleanor Grimm-Pitch. I don’t have a middle name, all the middle names my parents had picked for me were intended for a boy since that’s what they were expecting, so whenever they got a girl, they chose Eleanor and didn’t have enough ideas for a middle name. 

Wouldn’t that be so much better? Being born as the boy with a first and middle name? The voice nags on. Shut up shut up shut u-

Basilton Grimm-Pitch. Just a boy who wants to make his aunt proud.

Oh. That’s what was wrong with the words.

Chapter Text

2nd Year

Baz

It’s a month into second year now, Snow’s still doing her missions with the Mage, but she’s also started spending some time out in the lawn with the goatherd and her goats, which is hilarious to me so I take any chance I’ve got to make fun of her for it. 

“Have fun with your girlfriend?” I teased one day when she got back to our room. I’ve been referring to Ebb as Snow’s girlfriend for the past bit because it pisses her off enough to make her go off sometimes. I don’t know why she hates it so much, I’ve just been assuming she’s homophobic. 

“Fuck. Off.” She said before storming into the bathroom (the rooms on the upper floors of the Cloisters have bathrooms attached to them and the people roomed on the first floor have to share the communal bathrooms.) I smirked at her when she left the bathroom and she glared at me for the rest of the night, probably trying to figure out how to kill me. Whatever, let her try, I’d kill her first. 

I spent most of last year and this summer trying to figure out the stupid words I stressed out over. I still don’t know, to be honest, but I know there might be a chance I’m trangender. The idea of that fills me with dread.

  How will I tell my parents? How will my dad react? Daphne would probably be okay with it. How would all that happen at Watford? Would I be switched to one of the boys’ dorms? In that case, who would be my roommate? Would I even get a roommate? Would the Mage even care enough to switch me to the boys’ dorms? Or would he just keep me with Snow? Probably the second one… How would I explain this to Snow? Does she even deserve an explanation? No, she doesn’t. But she kind of deserves to know why her roommate is leaving to live with the boys. Will the boys’ dorms even ever accept me in? Are the buildings here old enough to be transphobic? 

Most likely. I guess I’m stuck with Snow and sometimes Bunce whenever she breaks in here to get away from her roommate (Trixie.) Bunce is nice to have around, she’s smart and actually challenges Snow’s thoughts. She makes her rethink her strategies, and I pretend to not listen to what they’re doing together. I plug in my headphones to make it look like I’m listening to music, and sometimes I do, but most of the time I listen to the two of them figure out how to save the world or something like that.

 I wish I were doing that right now, listening to Snow ask stupid questions and getting smart replies, but instead I’m doing Greek homework on the floor near my desk. I could just sit at the desk, but nobody’s here for me to look perfect for, and I like sitting on the floor. It’s just nicer. I’m not sure how to explain that but it's not too soft and I like that. Snow’s off with the Mage, Bunce is off being smart somewhere else, Dev and Niall are probably in their room playing video games or watching a movie together, so I’m alone. I like the solitude, but it gives me too much time to think, and I have a lot to think about.

I finish the Greek, and I’ve got no more homework so now I’m fully alone with my thoughts. Thoughts on my gender. Not fun. 

I tried binding my chest down this summer, and it felt so nice, so me , but I’m scared to ever do something like that in front of people, no matter how happy and me it makes me feel. I still do it sometimes, when I know I’m completely alone, like when Sarah’s on her missions or, when it was the summer, when Fiona was at one of her Normal boyfriends’ houses.

 I bought a proper binder, I may be scared of being trans, but I’m more scared of damaging my ribs and trying to explain to my parents how I did it, so I figured I’d be ok with safe binding.

 I used a gift card I got for my birthday last year that I never used to buy it, and it was scheduled to go to Fiona and I’s flat when she was away, so it worked out perfectly. It showed up at the door, and I was so excited. I put it on, and I felt so happy to feel like myself, but I ended up crying on the bathroom floor. 

Begging the air for me to be born a boy. Apologizing to nobody for who I was. Pleading nothing to turn me back to a girl. I was never a girl. I’m not a girl, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that (probably nothing yet since I doubt anybody is going to listen to a 12 year old girl begging for someone to let her be a boy (boy, him, be himself.))

I brought the binder to school, for moments like this when I’m alone and I want to be myself. And I’m alone right now with nothing to do, so I move to my dresser and dig down to find the small box that is hidden at the very bottom of all my folded clothes. 

I feel the smooth edges of the box and pull it out, carefully taking off the lid. There sits a small, black, folded half tank binder. I take it out, feeling the fabric in my hands. I move to the bathroom to put it on. I don’t like getting changed outside of the bathroom, it feels too open. Too vulnerable.

I struggle with putting the binder on, but once it’s on it feels like a lot of weight is off my shoulders. I like the pressure of the tight fabric against my chest, it’s a reminder that if I can’t openly be myself, I can at least have this. 

I leave the bathroom to go grab a dress shirt from my wardrobe to put on top of my now flat chest so I can see what I would look like if I were a boy going to Watford, and there sits Snow on her bed. Staring at me, I can hear the gears turning in her head. 

Well. Shit.

Simon

“When did you get here?” El had a look of shock on her face, then panic, and now she’s just full of hate.

“A few minutes ago, why aren’t you dressed?” She's wearing what looks like a tight tank top cut in half, but she’s not the kind to wear cropped shirts, so I’m assuming it's just a long-ish sports bra. Probably better for playing football or something, it’s not really my business, I don’t really care, I’ve just never seen Eleanor only half dressed.

 We have an unspoken rule that we never get changed in front of each other, so this is all not something I know how to discuss. 

“I was getting changed and forgot a shirt, if you must know. '' She moves to her wardrobe and grabs a t-shirt and some flannel pajama bottoms, then slams the drawer.

 She goes back to the bathroom to get changed, and she’s taking bloody forever. I need to shower, I feel so gross from today's mission (I had to climb through a mossy cave, it was amazingly disgusting. I smell rank) and just want to wash away the grime. 

She needs to hurry up, or I’ll murder her I swear to Merlin. Not actually, though, because of the anathema and I don’t feel like having my body frozen up for a week again (I punched El last year, I couldn’t participate in classes for the next eight days.) 

Maybe I’ll just break into the washroom. No, she deserves her privacy. But what if she died or something? Good, let her die. That’s mean. Good. 

I hate El but I don’t exactly want her to die , at least most of the time I don’t. Sometimes I do, like the first day this year when I started crying from the overwhelmingness of being back at Watford, and she said I ruined her plans to push me to tears.

 I hate crying in front of El, it makes me feel too open and I don’t want her to know I can be vulnerable. I guess everyone can be vulnerable, but I don’t want her to have proof I can be. I don’t think I can imagine her being vulnerable, she’s much too tough and much too “if anybody sees me upset I will off everyone in the world and then myself.”

Finally, after fifteen minutes, Eleanor comes out of the bathroom. Thank Merlin and Morgana I was this damn close to chopping down the door with my blade. She pushes by me when I move to the bathroom. I make my way to the door, then stop and turn around to face her. She isn’t looking at me, she’s grabbing the paper and textbooks off her desk and the floor around it and shoving them into her bag. 

“Uhh,” I start. She looks at me, one eyebrow raised. “Sorry, ‘bout walking in on you changing. Not that you were really changing, just. Sorry. For uh, seeing you only half-dressed I s’pose?” I probably don’t need to apologize, I didn’t do anything wrong, I just came back to our room and she walked out of the bathroom only half dressed. Not really my fault at all, but I still feel bad about it. I shouldn’t feel bad, she’s an arsehole to me, but I still do. 

“Shut up. Go get prettied up for your girlfriend, Snow.” Yeah ok fuck her. I take back what I said, I don’t feel bad. Ebb is not my girlfriend. She’s like forty years old, for Crowley’s sake! I just like being around the goats! Nothing to do with liking Ebb! I don’t even like Ebb! Well I like her but not like like her! I just like the coziness of her! And her goats! No being gay in sight! 

I don’t know why El has such a field day with me spending my time out with the goats and teasing me about Ebb being my girlfriend, I’ve just assumed she’s homophobic. She comes from a very old family, and she makes fun of the idea of two girls dating, so chances are she’s most likely homophobic. Just another list of reasons as to why I hate her. She hates gay people. And I’m gay. 

Ish. Kinda. Maybe? I’m not sure, I know girls are pretty, but everyone knows that, right? Girls are pretty, boys are pretty, I don’t really care too much. They’re pretty and I’ve got bigger issues than sexuality on my plate.

 Like murdering magical creatures all the time, that’s a bigger issue than who I think is pretty. El is pretty, I know that, she’s so perfectly pretty. Objectively, of course, I would never date her, I hate her too much. Penny is also pretty, but I would never date her either because she’s my friend. Agatha’s pretty, and I would date her, I know that. I’m not too close with Agatha, but we’re acquaintances, and I’d date her if given the chance. So, that settles that, then. I suppose I’m at least a little gay. 

Baz

It’s the end of second year, I’m packing up my clothes to go home. Fiona will be here in thirty minutes. Snow’s still here, she threw her few pairs of trackie bottoms and a few old t-shirts into a bag and called her packing done, now she’s just waiting for the Mage to come by and send her where to where she’s going this year. 

She knows she’s going somewhere in Canterbury. So she’ll be in Canterbury with all her chavvy Normal friends (does she have Normal friends? I always assumed she does, but she doesn’t look happy to go to where she can see them, so maybe she’s not got any? Huh. Snow without friends. Weird.) And I’ll be in Chelsea with Fiona while she asks nightly if I want to watch a movie with her. 

I rarely ever want to watch movies with Fiona, I’d much rather stay in my room reading shitty books (and the occasional good book. Like The Marvels. That’s one of my favourite books at the moment, not that I’ll ever admit it. If anybody were to ask I’d say my favourite is Little Women. Nobody needs to know I enjoy gay fantasy books.) But when I do, it’s normally fun. Until she starts ranting about Sarah and the Mage and the Coven and the Humdrum, then she leaves to go smoke on the balcony, and comes back a bit calmer. 

It happens every time we watch movies, and I just go along with it no matter how much I want to enjoy a night without thinking about Sarah. I’m always thinking about her, but at least I’d get a moment to focus on something that isn’t Snow.

I put the last of my clothes into my bag and my mobile chimes. Fiona bought me one last summer so I could text her about what the Mage and Snow are up to, but I never tell her anything. I check the message. 

Fiona: I’m here, get your arse outside.

I go to the door, pause to wish Snow an awful summer, rush down the stairs and out the door to the inner gates. There stands Fiona, looking pissed off.

“What took you so long?” I look at my mobile

“It took five minutes! That’s kind of an impressive time, actually”

“Whatever, let’s go. Do you plan on going to your fathers anytime this summer?” My dad must’ve asked her if I was coming. I think I want to, this summer, I want to see my half-sister. Her name’s Mordelia, she’s three now, but I’m scared to see my father. I see him on holidays and call him on my birthday, but that’s it. I’m nervous he’ll say something about my appearances, usually he just says I’m taller, but what if he starts saying stuff like “You’re becoming a proper woman now” or something stupid that’d make me feel wretched. 

“You good, El?” I snap out of my thoughts 

“Yeah.” We’re at the car now, I’m opening the door to the back seat and throwing my bag inside.

“So, do you want to go to your fathers or not?” 

“Yeah, I want to see Mordelia.” 

She grimaces, Fiona’s not a fan about anybody from my fathers side of the family, besides me. 

“Right, now get in the car. We’re watching a movie tonight, by the way!” I frown

She turns on her awful music, and I get in the car. 

Chapter Text

3rd Year

Simon

I rush to the Mages office to complain about Eleanor again (She’s started leaving our room at night, and her skin is too grey, so obviously she’s a vampire. Obviously.) I’ve come to the Mage to complain about Eleanor numerous times, he’s still not listening and still telling me to just live with it. Like hell I’m not going to ‘just live with it’ she’s a bloody vampire! I’m not living the next five years sharing a room with a vampire! I’m going to die! She’s going to drink me dry! 

I reach the Mage’s office, and he’s not there. I’ll just leave him a note then. Students aren’t supposed to be up here by themselves, but the room lets me in, so it’s fine. 

I leave him a note explaining why I want a new roommate and head back down the stairs onto the path to the Cloisters.

 It’s January, so it’s snowing a bit, not a lot and I’m not cold, but it’s pretty to look at. It’s also dark out right now and the snowflakes are glittering in whatever light there is out here. It’s quite a nice view, dark out, glistening snow, big buildings randomly placed. It’s a good feeling, comfort.

I’m at the door to mine and Eleanor’s room, and I think twice before opening the door. I’ve been doing that lately, since I walked in on Eleanor half dressed last year. It wasn’t too much of a big deal, but I still think twice before entering our room.

 I finally twist the handle and walk in. El’s at her desk, laptop open along with several textbooks and pieces of paper covering all the empty spaces. She’s taking notes on something, definitely not something magical, that wouldn’t be on the internet. Unless she’s looking at phrases that could be turned into a spell. I don’t really care either way.

 I make my way to the washroom to shower, stopping at my wardrobe to get pyjamas. I’m about to close the door behind me when she speaks. 

“Half fun complaining to me about your lord and saviour?” She turns her head to face me and smirks. Her hair is shorter than it was in second year, and I think she keeps cutting it shorter. It’s barely below her ears now and at the beginning it was just above her shoulders. So she must be cutting it often, but the bathroom never has cut hair anywhere so I don’t mind. I don’t mind anything she does as long as she cleans up after herself.

“Yes actually. I’m hoping to finally get a new roommate this year.” I reply

“Unlikely, I’m too pretty for anybody to actually want to get rid of me.” She turns back to her homework.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you want to believe.” I turn back and close the door behind me. I’m mad that she’s right. She is pretty, the tosser.

I get out of the shower, dry myself off, get dressed into a shirt and pyjama bottoms and look at myself in the mirror. My hair’s at my shoulders, golden and curly. I’ve got bangs, too. Agatha insisted on giving me bangs (we’ve started becoming friends) one night when Penny and I were in her room. Phillipa was there (Agatha's roommate) and it was a bit awkward with her there, but she stayed out of our way. Agatha doesn’t like her too much, they don’t argue as much as me and El, but they still dislike each other.

 I don’t know how I feel about the bangs, I definitely don’t hate them, but they look a bit off. I’m pretty sure the only reason I don’t hate them is ‘cause Agatha did them. 

I notice a small bottle of cologne on the counter. I pick it up and turn it in my hands. El doesn’t leave her stuff around much, so it isn’t hers. I open the door and look at Eleanor sitting on her bed, reading. 

“Next time you’ve got guys over when I’m gone, tell them to not leave their stuff on the counter, thanks.” I toss the bottle beside her, it gently landing on her sheets. 

She looks at the bottle, then to me, her eyebrow raised. She picks up the bottle and puts it in her bag that's resting against her bed.

 Oh. Well I didn’t actually think she was having guys over while I was gone. I just wanted to tease her. But I guess she’s fit enough to have blokes falling head over heels for her, she’s probably got loads of guys waiting to have a chance to kiss her in our room. Disgusting, I don't want to think about my enemy snogging someone in our room.

 I crawl into my bed and try not to think about it further. 

Baz

Okay, she isn’t exactly wrong , but she’s not quite right. Niall was here (not sure how he got into the Cloisters. Boys can’t enter the girls’ dorms, and girls can’t enter the boys’. Then again how’d I manage to get in here. It’s all a mystery, and I don’t really care.) And we were kissing. But the cologne wasn’t his , it was mine . Niall gave it to me as an early birthday gift. We came out to each other during the break when he came over. Dev was supposed to come too, but his parents decided to make it a family night, so it was just me and Niall. That’s when he came out to me.

“I’m bi.” He said, out of nowhere. We were just silently watching a movie when he said that, then he started to cry a bit. I turned to him. I figured as much, but I hugged him anyway. I didn’t know what to say, I’m shitty when it comes to other people's emotions. I pulled away from him and said the words for the first time since I realized I wasn’t a girl. 

“I’m trans.” I searched his face for any sign of what he was thinking. I never thought that Niall was a transphobe, his parents are very left-winged, but then I felt even safer with him in that moment. Realizing he also wasn’t cishet. I felt my eyes brim with tears, I didn’t wipe them away or anything, I just let my eyes fill with them, then let them trail down my cheeks. He looked at me up and down, then barreled into me with a hug. I fell back in surprise and smiled. He was okay with it. And it was easy. And he was on top of me. On my bedroom floor, my laptop abandoned beside us. And he looked in my eyes, then my lips, then back in my eyes. Then he kissed me. And I kissed back, not out of want, out of chasing the excitement. Chasing the adrenaline that came with coming out. 

We kept kissing, until our mouths were sore and we started another movie. I wasn’t sure if we were dating then, I don’t think we were, I think it was just some teenagers messing around.

We still aren’t dating, we’re still just teenagers messing around. Two boys kissing in their bedrooms when their roommates are gone. Just to get feelings. Just to get rid of other feelings. Just to have something else to focus on. We never go further than kissing, we never do anything other than kissing. Thank Merlin, I don’t think I could handle anything else. Niall and I are content with our situation, running off to each other's rooms to snog, then pretending nothing ever happened when we hang out with Dev. It works out well for us both.

Simon

Eleanor ran off a while ago, probably to go snog some bloke behind the school. 

That’s what’s been going on for the past few months. She runs off mid day and comes back looking wrecked. I shouldn’t mind, but I do, it pisses me off, especially when I come back and she and our room look wrecked. 

Like, kiss whoever, I don’t care! Well I do care but just keep it out of our shared room! I live here too!

 Everytime I get mad at her over it she just claims I’m upset that she’s kissing someone and I’m not, which is not true. Actually, it’s sort of true, but not entirely! I’m more pissed that she snogs someone in our room every time I’m not there and pretends nothing happened or rubs it in my face. 

Anyways, El isn’t here, so Penny and Agatha are. We’re doing spellwork, I’m failing miserably, and talking. It’s May, school’s ending soon, so we’re talking about our plans for the summer. 

Mine are the same as always, go to some care home, but Penny plans on touring with her dad for Humdrum reports. I don’t think much about the Humdrum, I’m aware of what’s happening with it, but I’m more focused on the other adventures the Mage puts me through. And Agatha plans on signing up for more dance and horse riding classes. Both sound better than what I’m doing this summer, but whatever, I suppose it could be worse. Like I could be spending the summer with Eleanor. 

I’m so tired of Eleanor, she’s as stupidly perfect and pretty as she was in first year. In fact, I think she’s gotten more stupidly perfect and pretty. She gets prettier every year over the summer, more confident, more sure of herself. And it pisses me off. Just go be stupidly gorgeous somewhere else with your stupid boyfriends! No need to be bloody beautiful in front of me!

“Sarah? You good?” Penny asks

“I’ve gotta go.” And I leave. I want to see El, to tell her to stop being so perfect all the time.

Chapter Text

4th Year

Simon

I ended up finding Eleanor that night, she was walking back to our room when she scowled at me. I’m not sure what I intended on talking to her about, so I didn’t end up saying anything. 

I spent the summer thinking about Eleanor. I don’t let myself think about anyone or anything at Watford over the summers, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about El. I think I missed fighting her. I’m glad to be back to having the ability to fight her. 

Baz

I came out to Fiona over the summer. She was more than okay with it, but she’s also shit at knowing how to handle emotions, so she patted me on the back and said “Took ya long enough, lad.” 

That was a good day. Being called lad. Fiona asking me about if I’ve told anybody else or just her, asking if I plan on telling my father.

“If you do tell him, just make sure to have me waiting outside the house to pick you up.”

I’m thankful for Fiona. 

She pestered me about name changes, and I realized I haven’t thought of a new name. I’ve decided on Basilton for one of my names (I’m giving myself a middle and first name) since that’s the name that first made me realize I was a boy.

 I also want a family name, so I did some reading on the Pitches when I went to my fathers house over the break (I wanted to see Mordelia again, she’s four now) and my step-mother, Daphne, just had twins. I don’t know why my father’s decided to start a new family so late in his life, but I like children so I don’t mind. 

So far the family name that I think I’m going to go with is Tyrannus. It’s an awful name, but my mother would have picked it had I been born a boy. So that’s what I’m going with. I’m just not sure what order to put the names in. So I call Fiona.

“Hey E- Sorry. Hey, boyo?” She’s not been sure on what to call me since I haven’t picked out a name

“Had I been born a boy, would my mother have put Tyrannus or Basilton as my first name?”

“Oh, thank Jesus, you’re finally picking a name. Uh, I think she would’ve put Tyrannus first, but do you really want that to be your first name?”

“Yes, I do. Thank you Fiona.” I hang up

Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch.

Simon

El is in our room, doing homework, casting spells, arguing with me, and I’m on my side of the room practicing my sword form. Eleanor hates when I do that,she hates it more when I do it on her side of the room. But I’m on my side of the room so I see no reason as to why she is getting pissed at me. 

“Honestly Snow! Could you not do that anywhere else?!” she yelled after I hit my wooden bed post with the blade

“Why don’t you go snog someone somewhere else? I’m staying here.” I hit my bed post again

“I don’t do that anymore” I look away from my bed to her

“Really? You come to the room every night looking properly snogged.”

She raises an eyebrow at me.

Baz

“Forget I was a vampire, Snow? I was off killing deer and drinking their blood, obviously.” Niall and I aren’t doing that anymore, we’re still close, just not in that way.

“Fuck off.” She turns back to her bedpost and slams her sword into it. It’s covered in hatch marks. 

I move my head back to my homework. My hair falls in my face. It’s much shorter now, I got a pixie haircut over the summer (which I ended up hating) but it’s grown out a bit since then. I miss my long hair, the way it was at the beginning of last year. Just above my shoulders. I’m growing it out to be that length again because fuck it, cis boys can have long hair, why can’t I?

I’ve been thinking about telling Snow about my trans-ness, but I’m not sure how she’d react. I haven’t even told Dev yet. What’s the order you do these things in? Your cousin then your roommate or your roommate then cousin? Who has more worthiness of knowing?

 I think I’ll tell Dev first. Then Snow. Then everyone else. Not sure what Snow’s done to be so high on my list. It’s just because she’s my roommate, and I’m not sure who else to tell. I hope she’s ok with it, because I have to live with her until I get switched to the boys’ dorms.

 Unless I never get switched, I’m still not sure what happens when a student transitions halfway through school, but I guess I’ll figure it out next year.

Next year. I’ll be Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch by next year.

It’s spring now, and I’m sitting on the Great Lawn with Dev and Niall. I’m going to tell Dev I’m trans, but I’m not sure how I will, but I’m gonna tell him. I’m not leaving until I’ve told him. I’m sweating with anxiety. Niall has assured me numerous times that Dev will be more than ok with it, but that doesn’t make it any less scary. It’s well frightening coming out to anybody but I’ve known Dev all my life? Surely he’ll be okay with it? But what if he doesn’t know what being trans is? I am not in the mood to explain how I was assigned the wrong gender at birth right now. 

Maybe I could text Niall and ask him to explain to Dev when they’re back in their dorms. Is that too much to ask of a cis guy? No, it’s the bare minimum for cis guys to understand. It’s below the bare minimum. 

I’ve decided I want to tell Dev I’m a boy, not that I’m trans. Being trans could mean so many different things depending on who says it, but me saying I’m a boy means I’m a boy, and hopefully it’ll be less confusing for him to understand. 

Wait no fuck that, why am I’m changing words just so someone who will never understand might understand? I’ll say I’m a trans boy. Both words. No confusion. I don’t know how many other ways I could say it. Probably a lot, but that’s how I’m gonna say it. Maybe I should include my pronouns when I say it too, just to make sure everyone fully understands. And my name. 

Fuck, I haven’t even told Niall my new name yet.

 I’ve decided to keep Tyrannus as my first name but have everyone call me by my middle name. I’d chuck the idea of the name Tyrannus completely out the window if it weren’t for my mother. 

Okay, I know what I am going to say. “Dev. I am a trans boy. I am a boy. My name is Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch and my pronouns are he/him.”  

And then hopefully he’ll get it and go about life pretending that has always been my name and identity. Crowley, I don’t want to do this, how do I even start, I need an opening. 

“You think they let girls play on the football team? We could get coach Mac to let you on the team, El. It’d be fun with you there.” He was talking to Niall and then turned to me when he said that. Here goes nothing, I suppose.

“About that, Dev. I’m not really,” I pause to look at his face. It’s full of confusion. Fuck he better understand or I am throttling him. 

“I’m not really a girl. I’m kind of a boy. Not kind of. I am a boy. I’m a trans boy. Transgender. He/him. Those are my pronouns. And my name is Tyrannus. Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch. Fiona said my mother would have liked me being named that.” Well, that’s not how I wanted to say that, but it certainly got my message across. 

Dev’s looking at me, shocked, and Niall’s beside him looking nervous as all fuck. Was this the wrong thing to do? Did I make a mistake did I say something wrong what did I do wrong can I take back what I said oh shit oh shit oh shi-

“Okay. D’you wanna play football still, then? Don’t see why coach wouldn’t want another bloke on the team. Tyrannus, is it?” He smiles. I smile. Niall smiles but still looks confused, probably wondering when I chose a name.

“Yeah. It’s Tyrannus, but I don’t actually want to go by that name, it’s only my first name out of respect for my mother. I’d prefer being called Basilton. Or nicknames of Basilton, I don’t really care, just not the old name.” I explain

“Wait- When did you pick out a name?” Niall leans over Dev and asks, he must’ve been too impatient to ask later.

“A few months ago. In the fall.”

“That was six months ago!” Niall exclaims, pretending to be mad, but he’s smiling. I’m smiling too, so is Dev. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled this much since I was a toddler.

“That’s a few!” I retaliate.

“Wait, you said we could do nicknames of Basilton, right?” Dev asks

“Yeah, as long as it isn’t something too stupid.”

“That’ll be hard for you,” Niall says to Dev “Everything you do is incredibly stupid.” Dev punches him in the arm. 

“What about Basil?” Dev turns back to me, Niall dramatically pretending to be injured.

“That works.” I love this. Dev trying out new names for me. Just guys picking out stupid nicknames for eachother. 

“Hmm. What about Baz?!” He gets excited for that one

“Why are you so excited about that one?” 

“So I can call you Bazzy.”

“Fuck you.” I’m still smiling. I don’t think I’m going to stop smiling. 

For once everything felt how it was supposed too

Chapter Text

5th Year, pt.1

Baz

It’s the end of summer, I’m leaving for school the day after tomorrow, and I’m at my fathers house about to tell him I’m trans. 

We’re eating dinner right now, so I suppose everyone’s going to find out I’m trans, but I’m most concerned about my father right now. Fiona’s waiting outside in her care in case he says anything rude (which is a likely case.)

Daphne can tell I’m thinking hard about something (I’m not sure how; I thought I was getting better at masking my emotions) so she speaks to me.

“You alright, Eleanor?” She asks politely while cutting a piece of meat. The smell makes my nostrils sting. 

“I’m trans.” Fuck, I didn’t want to say it like that. I had an entire speech memorized to explain to my family, just like I had Devs. Neither of these coming outs were supposed to go this way. 

Father’s zoned into the conversation now and so is Daphne. They’re both looking at me to say something further.

“I’m a boy-”

“No you’re not,” My father interrupts. Crowley, could this man listen to his son for two fucking second- “I didn’t raise a son. I’ve raised and am raising four girls. I was there when you were born. I know you were a girl and you’re not going to change that because of some nonsense your aunt is feeding you.” his words drip with venom. I think he’d be yelling if he didn’t have some composure.

“I knew this long before aunt Fiona fed me anything. I’ve known I was a boy and I know that I am a boy and there is nothing you can say that will change that.” 

“Well it just isn’t true, you’re not a boy.”

“Yes it is!And yes, I am a boy! And you can fuck off, honestly! I trust you enough to tell you something that’s been burdening me for the past five years and this is how you react!? I am a boy! My name is Basilton! But you’re growing too many grey hairs to understand that!” I’m the one yelling now. My father is silent, he’s sucking on his teeth. I wait for a second to see if he’ll say anything before I stand up to get my things and leave. 

He doesn’t. 

I make my way to grab my things from my room. I started packing before dinner but I was called for earlier than I had expected so I never finished. I don’t have much to pack, I’ve been staying here only for a week. 

I’m throwing my last shirt into my bag, closing the zipper, and throw it over my shoulder. Then I hear a small voice from behind me.

“What does being trans mean?” It’s Mordelia. Fuck I don’t want to answer questions, I just want to go sit in Fiona’s car while my aunt plots how to murder my father (she’s always despised him, but I’m sure she will despise him more when she learns how he reacted.) I decided to be nice. She's only a five year old after all, and I would much rather have her understand my identity than go about still calling me her older sister.

“It means I was not born in the right body,” I crouch to make sure I’m at her eye level. I’m trying to explain in really simple terms a five year old can understand. “I’ve got a brain that doesn’t match what people see me as. People see me as a girl, but my brain tells me I’m a boy. And some people don’t like that because they aren’t used to it, some people are afraid of what’s different from them.” I really hope that was an easy enough explanation for her.

“So you’re a boy?” She asks, her wide eyes looking into mine.

“Yes, that is correct, I am a boy.” I smile softly at her

“Well then you can’t have a girl's name that name isn’t meant for you.” I chuckle a bit.

“There is no such thing as girls and boys names-” I start, but I stop. I don’t have time to teach her about the complexities of society and it’s views on gender expressions, identities, and stereotypes. “I already have a new name”

“Ooooh, what is it!?” She's jumping. Why is a child so excited about my name change?

“It’s Basilton. Or Basil. Or Baz.” 

“Ok, Baz!” She skips out of the room and I get up to leave. I pass my father in the hallway. I flip him off. No respect for people who don’t respect me. 

“How’d that go, Basil?” Fiona asks when I reach the car

“Awful. Father claims I only am saying I’m a boy because you’re feeding me nonsense.” I open the door to the backseat and get in. I’m still not allowed to sit in the front seat. 

“Well, now I’ll have to kill him.” she smiles a bit, then turns around to me “You okay?”

“We don’t talk about feelings, Fiona.” I cannot believe she forgot what she was always telling me. “Pitches don’t show feelings. They show no remorse.” I always thought that was stupid, but I always listened. That’s how I’ve gotten so good at masking my feelings, sometimes I can’t even tell what I’m feeling.

“Well, we do when my nephew has to deal with his god-awful father and his wife.”

I smile at being called her nephew.

“Daphne is a lovely person, my father however-”

“-Is the shittiest bloke to exist,” she finishes for me “Want to go get food?”

It isn’t like Fiona to offer to take me for food. She must really want me to be okay.

“Yeah”

We spend the rest of the day pretending my father doesn’t exist.

Simon

I just got back from Penny’s room (she’s been putting off hanging out with me for a while since she started dating this bloke last year. She spends all her time writing letters to him and doing homework. No Sarah time in her schedule. Ew, “Sarah”, I’ve gotten used to El calling me Snow. And Sarah’s just an awful name in general.)

We hung out, she asked me my opinions on her essay, I said it was good, she said she could tell I was lying which was true. I zoned out halfway through reading the essay. And then she sent me back to my room so she could study. 

I need friends who don’t put their classwork so high on their list of priorities.

I’m flipping through pages of my textbook, I’m not actually reading anything, I’m just hoping my brain will magically take in the knowledge if I stare at the pages for long enough. It’s not working. 

Eleanor isn’t in our room, which is odd. Usually she goes off to watch the football team practice, then she spends about an hour with her friends, then she’s back here studying. And that’s it. She doesn’t do much else until she leaves at around 8:00pm to go to the catacombs (sometimes I follow her down there to see if she truly is a vampire, but I stopped since I found her drunk down there in October.) (I didn’t know she drank, and honestly, it scared me. I felt bad for her. I wanted to help her. I didn’t, I haven’t, not even 3 months later.) 

Maybe it’s weird to have your roommate's schedule memorized, but I’ve got to keep my eye on her. I don't trust El. 

Right as I think that, Eleanor comes in, kicking off her boots. She looks exhausted. And anxious. 

“Snow?” I look away from my textbook at her “Can I, uhh, talk to you? Real quick?” That’s odd. El never wants to talk to me, and she never questions what she’s saying. 

It must be bad. Or maybe she’s announcing she’s actually about to murder me. I don’t think that’s the kind of thing you announce to your victim, I never have. 

“Why?” 

“I just need too. And your limit is 10 stupid questions, then I’m cutting you off, alright?” She’s actually being serious. Not just mean. It all feels fake.

“Fine. What is it?”

“Alright. So. I’m a boy,” I stare for a second “No stupid questions yet, Snow, let me finish explaining.” I nod, still not talking. We’re making eye contact.

“Okay, so I’m transgender, I know that might be too confusing for you to understand so that’s why I gave you 10 questions. Not yet, though, I’m going to explain a bit first so maybe you don’t use up all your questions on basic stuff,

“I’m a boy, as I said, just not the way people see me. People see me as a girl and as Eleanor and as someone who uses she/her but that isn’t true because I’m a boy. I didn’t hate being a girl, it just wasn’t me. I feel better as a boy. Like life’s a bunch of questions but being a boy leaves at least 10% of the questions answered. So. Yeah. Also, my pronouns are he/him so. No calling me a she, because that’s just disrespectful. And lying. But mostly disrespectful” 

I’m staring at her- him. I’m staring at him. I’m confused, but not about his identity. I’m confused because I didn’t know that was a possibility. I’m confused because he described the way I felt. It’s a thought I’ve had before. 

I’m fine with being a girl, but I’d feel so much better as a boy.

I thought that was a normal feeling for girls, that it had something to do with misogyny, but if El- he’s right. Then maybe it isn’t normal for girls. 

Shit.

Baz

Snow looks zoned out. 

“Alright, questions?” I’m so nervous, but she’s the last person I have to come out too individually. Then I can just wait until everyone else catches onto Niall, Dev, and (hopefully) Sarah using a different name and pronouns for me. And I’ll tell people if they ask.

Snow snaps back to reality.

“Uh, is there a name change?”

“Wait, that’s your first question? I thought it’d be something like “What is being trans?” not like an actual question.”

“I grew up in care homes. I was surrounded by people whose parents didn’t want or care enough for them, so there were trans people there, it isn’t a new topic for me.” I’m actually shocked that Snow isn’t completely ignorant to everyone that isn’t a direct influence in her life.

“So, is there a name change?” she asks again. I smile a bit to myself and fucking blush . I didn’t even know I had the capability of blushing being a vampire and all.

“Yeah. It’s Basilton. Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch. But you can call me Basil or Baz. I don’t really mind either.” She smiles up at me

“Oh I’m gonna torment you so hard over choosing Baz as your name.” I smile more visibly this time, heat rising to my cheeks. I don’t think I should ever let myself drink so many rats again, I don’t need Snow knowing that she has the ability to make me blush. Or what her making me blush implies.

“Second question; You use he right?” She asks

“Yeah. Hopefully you know enough English to know how to use it in the sentence.”

“I do! I’m not stupid!” She’s yelling but laughing. I’m allowing myself to laugh a bit, too. Crowley what a mess she makes me.

“You sure about that?” I ask, still laughing

“Yes! I am positive!”

“Whatever you wanna believe, Snow.”

“Okay, third question. Are you switching dorms?”

I don’t want to switch dorms. I want to stay with Snow. I’ve developed a sense of comfort from living with her for the past five years. And I’m in love with her, but I just came out so there are more pressing matters at hand.

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll have to tell the teachers at some point, and the Mage, but I plan on doing that through letters. And I’m not sure how your precious Mage will react to one of his students being trans and wanting to switch dorms.”

“I’ll fight him on it. If you want to switch rooms and he doesn’t like it, I’ll fight him.” Snow says

“You would not -”

“Yes. I would. I don’t think the Mage is a bad guy and I don’t like fighting him, but if he doesn’t respect you then I will fight for it. I’ve got a sword, after all.” 

“O-okay” I can feel my face go red. She would fight someone she loves just for my comfort.

“Any more questions?” I ask, trying to change the subject before I start stumbling over my words again.

“Yes. How and when did you know?” Usually this would be too personal of a question for me to answer, but she asked and she’s being polite, so I’ll answer.

“First year. I referred to myself as a girl and I hated it, so I switched up the words, and everything went from there.”

“Ok, have you told anybody else but me?” I nod

“Yeah, I first told my aunt, then Niall, then Dev, then my family.”

“How’d your family take it?” Snow is showing no boundaries right now

“My aunt took it well, my father yelled at me and told me I wasn’t a boy, my step mother didn’t say anything, and my little sister took it the best out of anybody.”

“Was it super obvious this whole time and I was just really oblivious?”

“I’m not sure. Nobody’s really been surprised but there were some moments when I thought you would’ve known for sure. Like when I didn’t know you were in the room yet so I walked out in my binder with no shirt on.”

“What’s a binder?”

“It’s a thing that compresses your chest to make it flatter.”

“Oh. I thought that was just some fancy sports bra that was good for football training or something.”

“Crowley, Snow, I don’t even play football.”

“Yeah but maybe you were sneaking into practices or something.”

“You’re an idiot. You’ve got two questions left, by the way.”
“Okay, okay. Do I call you Baz in front of other people or do you want to announce it before I do.”

“You can call me Baz in front of other people, they’ll catch on eventually.”

“Are you gay? Since, y’know, you’re a bloke. And I know you had something going on with a bloke, or blokes, in third year.”

I haven’t really thought about it, I knew I liked blokes, but was it really gay if nobody saw us and everyone but the bloke I was kissing thought I was a boy? And I don’t know if I like guys anymore, I’ve been under the assumption that I’m straight since the beginning of this year. When I recognized my love for Snow and my adolescent crush on her, and she’s a girl, so why wouldn’t I be straight?

“I don’t know, I haven’t thought much about it. Okay. That’s all your questions, go back to studying and hating me.”

I turn to my desk, but Snow apparently still wants a conversation with me.

“Baz?” My name sounds so nice coming from her.

“What is it, Snow?”

“Merlin, don’t be a prick for two seconds. Can I have one more question?”

“No, you used all your questions up.”

“Please?”

“Fine.” Crowley, I’m weak for her.

She pauses before she speaks, thinking of how to phrase her question. 

“Would you be mad if I questioned words too?”