Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I sketch a picture of hydrangea I found in my phone gallery into my lilac sketchbook. My knees are curled to my chest and the sketchbook sits on top of them. I hum to the rhythm of the beautiful piano instrumental I put on shuffle of my music playlist. The summer breeze hitting my skin and the boisterous laughter around me reminds me of the jovial energy of the university.

I stick out my tongue and my eyes become smaller as I finish the intricate details of my sketch. A picture of a hydrangea bouquet turns itself into a sketch of a hydrangea inspired ball-gown. the tones aren't gratifying, but it might suffice for a rough sketch I make while sitting under an enormous and towering willow tree. I drop my pen to the bright chartreuse ground beneath me as a ball roll to my feet.

"Oi, Jude Duarte"

My grip on my sketchbook tightens as I shot a look upwards. In front of me stand familiar faces that I grow up to throw hate to. Locke, the one who turns the smallest thing into an entire drama. Valerian, the one who has never failed to get himself into detention or, the problematic one. Nicasia, people say she's the luckiest to be treated like a princess in her small friend group and she loves being empowered. And then, the worst of them all, Cardan Greenbriar. He has it all, people used to call him prince of the school. He provides a topic for Locke to exaggerate. He causes an argument with his sharp tongue until they throw an insult at Valerian and his friend throws himself into a fist fight. He has the power of charming everyone in our school, and he lets Nicasia have the power as his girlfriend.

But, this is not Elfhame High School and we are no longer kids.

I hastily take my belongings and shove them into my bag, completely ignoring the fact that my bag looks like a horrible rat nest. I glance around, searching for any signs of Vivienne and Taryn and realize they are still not here. I steal a glance at my watch, noting that it is half past three. I make my steps and Cardan stops me, his tall figure looming over me. 

I look up at him sharply. "Out of my way, Greenbriar"

He smirks and leans down, his black fringe brushing my forehead. "And, why should I, Duarte? You won't let me enjoy a bit?"

His friends laugh out loud as if he had said something so hilarious. Cardan grins lazily and I roll my eyes. I am so not in the mood to be made fun of. "Move out of my way, Greenbriar. I have no time for your stupid little games" I push him to the side as I see Vivi's car parked at the other side of the big field. Cardan's eyes widen in incredulity and Nicasia's jaw slackens at the sight of me boldly pushing her boyfriend. Valerian and Locke laugh. 

Their reactions indicate that no one has ever spoken to Cardan like that. Maybe no one has.

I shake my head and puff a breath of indignation as I walk past Locke and Valerian. As I make my way towards Vivi and Taryn, I hear Cardan calling my name. I stop dead in my steps and turn sharply. He is wearing the smirk I'm so done witnessing half of my life.

"Duarte! You really hate me, don't you?" he asks playfully.

I raise an eyebrow. He really thinks I care about his games, huh? "Almost as much as you hate me, Cardan Greenbriar"

I quickly turn away, refusing to acknowledge the abashed look on Cardan's face. Oh, look away all I want, but that doesn't stop me from thinking. Why does he look so surprised? He makes it clear himself that I hate him. And, I retort with with the sarcastic answer I always use on him and his friends. The feelings have undoubtedly been decided mutual since we were in school. If he isn't surprised by my open hatred, then what could possibly make him look so shocked?

Maybe he doesn't hate me?

Oh, pull yourself together, Jude. Cardan hates being less than others.

Incredulous as it may sound, I've known a lot of things about Cardan. We went to the same school since we were seven - and of course, it is not possible to escape his taunts and malice for over a decade. Oh, what nice memories they all were. Cardan made fun of my clothes for being cheap and not customized like his, Nicasia bullied me to do her work, Locke threatened me to not report him for skipping History class by spreading my ugly pictures and Valerian pushed me down the stairs until I got my left arm fractured.

Oh, and he nonchalantly admitted that he did it for fun. Bastard.

I did mention I know a lot about Cardan, right? Cardan Greenbriar, the youngest of six, his father's favorite, the smug bastard who always know how to prick at my skin and touch my nerves. Cardan Greenbriar, whose outfits are specifically designed with expensive and posh materials, the prat who thinks he is better than anyone else and the person who makes people who are better than him, his rivals. And of course, I am definitely in the list.

"Jude, are you good? You've been quiet since you entered the car" Vivi asks, looking at me from the rear view mirror. Taryn, who sits beside me, chuckles.

"You're either sketching dresses in your head or thinking of the best way of kicking Cardan's ass. Liliver told me his ass is divine" Taryn and Vivi high-five each other and laugh.

I grimace at Taryn's words, feeling the disgusting puke clogging my throat. Why the fuck does Cardan's ass has to be involved? "I wasn't thinking about him! Just- I was just pissed off at the lecturer! Professor Ivan needs a stick shoved into his mouth, honestly!"

Vivi shakes her head and drives the car. Taryn, on the other hand, is grinning devilishly at me like an idiot she is. Sometimes, I wonder if twins are given the power of reading each other's minds. If Taryn can know whether my thoughts are about Cardan, then it would be easier if I can sense her sneaking out to see Garrett at night. I grimace at the thought of the two would do.

"Oh, Lili and Van are joining us tonight. And yes, Garrett too" Vivi rolls her eyes as Taryn wears her impish grin.

After the dinner with our three friends - eh, two friends and Taryn's boyfriend, I rush to my room. The dinner is neither exciting nor disappointing - it is almost bland. Without Heather's presence and humor, it feels like something is lacking. Vivi has explained that her girlfriend is not feeling well.

And now, here I am, books and clothes everywhere. Vivi and Taryn need to at least reprimand me twice if they want me to clean my bedroom. I've been searching for it everywhere - in my bed, my wardrobe, my bag, on the bookshelf and even in the trash can under my study. I don't know why I decide to check the trash can, but I couldn't find my lilac sketchbook. I am very certain I shoved it into my bag when I escaped Cardan and his friends at the park. I let out an annoyed grunt and rummage through my bag again.

"Hey, Jude! Do you want some bing- what is going on here?" Taryn's eyes find me sitting on my bed, her mouth slightly agape.

"Taryn! Have you seen my sketchbook?"

"Uh.. which one?"

I roll my eyes. Really? "The lilac one, you daft bint!"

She glares and scowls at me. "Ask nicely, please? Are we talking about the one with shiny butterflies and your name embroidered to the spine?"

I want to throw out some sarcastic comment, but decide it would be best to just keep my mouth shut. I look up from my bag and look at Taryn. "Yeah, that one"

"No, I haven't. Did you take it to the park?"

I nod - there is no point at lying. The lilac sketchbook is like my only friend at school - when I couldn't comprehend the lecturer's speech, I would judge their outfit and sketch a better one. This often happens in Professor Ivan's class. I try to remember when was the last time I saw the sketchbook. I gasp, my bag slips out of my grasp and falls to the floor. Taryn blinks at me.

Oh my God.

"I must have left it at the park! Taryn, I need to go get it!" I say, starting to panic. Taryn thrusts up a questioning eyebrow, her face shocked in incredulity. "Jude, it's night! No one is going to steal it!"

"Really?" I ask, feeling slightly better.

"Taryn nods. "You want some bingsoo?"

"The choco one?" I press my lips. Taryn smiles. 

Chapter Text

"Locke! Locke! Locke!"

"Cardan! Cardan! Cardan!"

"Alright, ladies and gents! We don't want to ruin the fun, do we? How about five dollars if Locke wins, and ten in Cardan wins"

Taryn and I look at each other as we observe the crowd in the hallway. As I raise myself to my toes, I can see Valerian saying something indistinct - the crowd is surprisingly loud and energetic for a halcyon autumn morning. Taryn pulls me into the crowd despite my persistence to stay away from the morning drama. I roll my eyes but when my eyes catch sight of black hair and russet hair, I gasp - are watching Cardan "the stay away from bullshit" Greenbriar and "always go for dramatics" Locke?

My jaw unhinges at the sight of Locke punching Cardan in the stomach - that looks so awful. I grimace at the painful expression on Cardan's face and turn my head away, finding Liliver standing beside me.  The girl with silvery white hair is recording everything with her phone. I roll my eyes - of course she would go for the drama at the Photography Club. I nudge her side using my elbow.

"Liliver, what's going on?"

Liliver smiles. "You haven't checked the group chat? Cardan ranted about finding Locke and Nicasia snogging the daylights out of each other. And yeah, he has pictures and got so pissed off" Liliver raised an unamused eyebrow, as if she's expecting this to happen.

Nicasia can be very flirtatious, especially with the people she's close with. I remember Cardan didn't seem to care much or at least he wasn't a possessive bastard who's jealous all the time. But, seeing or finding out his own girlfriend cheating on him with his best friend is crossing the line.

"Locke! You fucking son of a bitch! Didn't your father teach you about not stealing? Oh wait, your father's dead!" Cardan laughs and heads towards Locke, punching him right in the face. 

"It's your fucking loss! Nicasia chose me!"

The two best friends are toppled to the ground now. Cardan's face is so scarlet with rage as he pins Locke to the ground. A high-pitched voice interrupts the fight, earning angry grunts from the boys. Nicasia stands beside Valerian, her mouth parts with fury. "Cardan! Let Locke go!"

Okay, the peak of the drama is what I like.

Cardan releases his deadly grip on Locke and rise to his feet, making me realize how tall he is even from this distant. The guy's eyes are on Nicasia, cold with fury but his mouth is twisted in a wicked grin. He throws his head and bursts out laughing. I've forgotten how scary he can be when he's angry - I feel shiver running down my spine.

"Well, well. If it isn't Nicasia my girl- oh wait. You're a cheater now"

Nicasia glances at Locke, looking back at Cardan. "Cardan, wait. I can explain"

I stare at the couple in the center of the crowd. Cardan is taunting Nicasia with the look in his eyes while Nicasia's expression is like she's trying to lie at him. I wonder what lies is she trying to create. Cardan has pictures and Locke taunted Cardan. Their inner circle's relationship is complicated. This is why rich pretty girls shouldn't involve themselves in a relationship - everyone craves for the forbidden fruit.

Cardan is not a forgiver - but, the way he stands as he studies Nicasia's expression looks like he wants to reconcile and forget the argument. I watch him, and he tilts his head at my direction - his mouth moves, saying something at me. Before I am given the chance to comprehend his words, Cardan picks his bag up from the floor and walks away from the crowd.

God dammit, this is not the time for his riddles.

As soon as I finish my noon class, I leave the hall and head to the park. I sprint to the big willow tree only to find out my sketchbook isn't there. I sigh and drop my bag, feeling slightly dejected. There is at least twenty untouched pages and there are so many things I want to draw. I curl my knees up to my chest and take out my file, studying the colorful notes I made in class.

I don't realize how long I've been sitting in this position, with my iPad and notes propped up on my curled knees until I hear the bell indicating the end of evening classes. It is Wednesday and I don't have evening classes for this semester, making me realize how much I miss my freshman year. I miss being panicked over too many assignments and evening to night classes - it feels surreal to think I'm graduating next year. In the meantime, I somehow grew an attachment to the big tree I'm currently sitting beneath. This is my favorite place to study beside the study lounge. 

I tuck the hair escaping my ponytail to the back of my ear as I examine the crowd of students depart from the doors - they are obviously mix of freshman students to the seniors. I return my focus to my notes but the look up again as the chattering noises grow louder and deafening. My eyes observe the people leaving and immediately catch sight of Cardan and Valerian bumping their fists together. Nicasia and Locke are not in sight - they probably are snogging somewhere in an empty classroom.

My gaze is fixed on the iPad in front of me instead of Cardan as I realize he's making his way to the field. Is he planning on annoying him since I didn't give him the chance yesterday? Oh, golly - at least I am prepared to taunt him with his two best friends' newfound relationship. I brace myself and look up at him, finding his long stride and stupid smirk at my direction. Oh God, I'm so sick of that! I scowl at him, keeping bold eye stare.

"Hello, Duarte. Sketching again?" He asks in a playful voice, the one he uses for the past decade taunting me. Although, I have to admit the maturing of his timbre is attractive.

Oh, Jude Duarte! Wake up and stop dreaming!

I look up at him with a smirk while twirling my Apple pencil in one hand. "Well, at least I don't lose my boyfriend to my best friend. Or, in your case, girlfriend"

I later find out whatever comes out from my stupid, impulsive mouth is horrible as Cardan's eyes widened, and his face pales visibly. God, I really am amateurish at the art of taunting. I feel the shame and regret sinking into my stomach but when I glance up at Cardan, he laughs. He grins wickedly at me, but there is no look of malice or teasing in his ebony eyes as he bends lower, looking at my confused reaction. He laughs again, as if he's witnessed something so hilarious.

"Nice attempt, Duarte. But, I'm hardly affected" he sits down next to me, kicking his bag to the end of his feet. 

"But, she cheated on you"

"Ah yes" he leans against the tree, closing the distance between us. I suck in a shaky breath and he speaks again. "Well, it's hardly surprising. Nicasia is a flirt, Jude. I just don't expect her to be with Locke" he says in a matter-of-factly voice.

"So, you're not angry she cheated, but proceeded to punch Locke in the face?" I raise a skeptical eyebrow. Their inner circle's drama is more complicated than mathematics.

"I'm his best friend, yeah?" And, obviously I gave him what he wanted. Drama" he laughs bitterly and looks directly in my eyes. "You see, Jude? Locke loves attention. I've known him since we were like, five. I'm not surprised if he secretly works at a gay club as a male stripper to get attention"

I want to laugh, but a snort escapes me, instead. "Yeah, but it's still cruel to punch him, call his mom a bitch and remind him that his dad's dead" I murmur, but loud enough for Cardan to hear.

"You think I care if my words actually hurt my friends? I'm not kind, Jude. Not to you, not to anyone else. And, like I said, I don't care"

I say nothing. It isn't my intention, but I really don't know what to say. I study the brittleness on Cardan's face - he looks defeated, as if he is aware that his action can cause him to lose friends. Now that he mentions it, everything starts to make sense. He doesn't care about offending his friends because they use him for power and status. I decide this is not the time to study the topic - we can engage in this conversation in another time. If there is another time.

"Are you here to mock me or just want to talk to someone?"

"Well, I'm just bored" he kicks his bag softly.

I later find my lilac sketchbook in his bag. I want to pull it from him and take back what's mine. He catches the fury in my eyes and laughs before taking the book out of his bag. I've been looking for it everywhere and it turns out to be with him for almost a day. Cardan smiles and takes out another book, handing it over to me.

"Sketch me, Duarte"

Chapter Text

"Sketch me, Duarte"

A cringeworthy and loud silence slides its way into the middle of our conversation. Or at least, Cardan's evening bullshit. A tiny crash of air is all it takes to break the silence and I burst out laughing. One hand presses against my stomach while the other hand goes to brush the tears leaking from the corner of my eyes. Cardan's face scrunches up into a scowl, completely unable to actually spot the humor.

"What the fuck is so funny, Jude?"

I inhale, gaining my composure. I look back at him and he looks offended and I have to reprimand myself mentally to not laugh at him. "Well, it's funny. You just ask me to sketch your face. Is this a new bullying tactic? I'm impressed, honestly"

Cardan's eyes roll to the back of his head, before returning his gaze on me. "That's what you think? Jude, I've seen your arts and I like them. I dislike you, but I recognize talent. You could gain about a thousand bucks if you sketch my face"

Oh, how can I forget this side of him. The self-absorbed jerk grins playfully at me as if we're playing some games. Does he really think so highly of my rough sketches? Can sketching him earn me a thousand dollars by selling the piece? If a rough sketch of Cardan costs that much, then I will be rich and successful by selling a full-painted portrait of Cardan Greenbriar. I feel the heat spreading to my cheeks as I imagine him lying down between lush satin covered pillows while judging my works. 

"Thanks for the compliment, Greenbriar. But, I'm not-" my words die completely at my throat as Cardan lies down on my lap, grinning with false sweetness. I jerk my knee up and hit the back of his head but Cardan refuses to move. Instead, his entire being relaxes while I sit here, trying to figure a retort at his behavior. It's hardly indecent, but I just feel so awkward. "-interested" I swallow.

"Hmm? A thousand and a half, then?"

My eyes almost pop out of their roots. A thousand and a half for a sketch? The last time I was commissioned to sketch someone's face in high school, I was paid forty-five dollars. The price Cardan offers me is beyond absurd. Who in their right mind would spend a thousand and a half for a rough facial sketch? I inhale sharply, staring blankly at the football field in front of me. 

Cardan is definitely not in his right mind, considering the offers he makes and the way he comfortably makes my lap his personal pillow. But, am I in the right mind when I feel his presence comforting and reconsidering the benefit I would get from his offer? I stop a frustrated groan and bounce my knees, startling Cardan who is on the verge of falling asleep. I roll my eyes - he has been bullying me for over a decade, I should not take any interest in his sweet lies.

"Apologies, Greenbriar. But I'm afraid I have other affairs to attend" I pick up my stuff - books, stationeries, iPad and shove them all into my bag. I abruptly stand up, ignoring the way Cardan rolls on the grass as I move. I don't spare him any glance as I walk away. I ignore him as he walks up towards me. When he reaches me, I stop a taxi and ignore him again, watching the frustration building on his perfect angular face.

Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude
Jude please Jude

"Bastard" I mutter under my breath as I crumple the little note on my desk. The supposedly good morning has barely started and it is already ruined. I toss my bag to the vacant chair beside me and tilt my head to look around. Everyone is either revising rough notes, chatting or just spacing out. There is nothing interesting every morning, but for the least I could say, it has always been good.

Until a bastard pastes a note on my desk with my name written all over the tiny piece. 

I whip my head to the back of the lecture hall and find Cardan sitting there. His feet, covered in expensive Louis Vuitton loafers, are placed on top of the well-polished desk. Valerian sits next to him, the blonde's back covered with scarlet blazer with silver embroidery - probably customized for him - is talking to Cardan and his face twists into an irritated scowl. Nicasia and Locke are absent from their inner circle again.

Cardan turns his head and as soon as our eyes meet, he sneers at me. He leaves his seat and walks towards me, his what could be considered as a very expensive bag for class takes its place on top of the vacant desk. Fuck these rich kids with their absurd collection expensive accessories. It would not surprise me if Cardan actually has a room of shoes only in his house.

He removes my bag from the seat and places it on top of his bag, before sitting himself next to me. He smirks playfully and my face immediately shifts into a scowl. I crumple the small piece in my fist even further as I stare intensely at him. Cardan smiles as he watches me, his loafers covered legs come to rest on top of my bag that surely costs nothing to him. My knuckles grow white with fury as I watch him, but I am bereft of the capability of kicking him.

How is one's enemy supposed to be attractive?

Cardan doesn't bother starting a conversation and I don't feel the slightest twinge of shame as I study his appearance. His dark hair has a hint of gold at the back - he's probably dyed his hair recently - his ebony eyes are studying me as same as what I am doing to him. He has dark eyelashes that are long enough to make the camels in Dubai whine in jealousy. His protruding cheekbones and sharp jaw are his best features. Well, his nose and lips are perfect too. And, well, being the youngest of the six of the rich Greenbriar line, of course he looks up to his older siblings for good taste in style. I could use his features for sculpting practices.

Dammit, Jude Duarte! Get a grip on yourself! 

"Done ogling me, Duarte?" Cardan's voice comes out in a lazy drawl. I almost topple from my chair as his voice pulls me out of my trance. I quickly snatch a piece of parchment to hide my cheeks that are definitely burning like a ripe tomato. Cardan laughs before taking the paper away, his fingertips ghosting mine as he watches me with a penetrating gaze. 

"Are you mute or are you considering my offer?"

I glare at him and snap. "I am not mute, and I, with all dignity I have, is opposed to the offer of sketching your face" I sneer at him.

I rise from my chair, and for a moment I think I am in control of the situation until Cardan stands up to his full height, towering over me. Holy shit, he is at least half a foot taller than me. His index finger ghosts my jawline and he uses it to tilt my chin upwards. My breath hitches as he caresses my cheekbones, completely ignoring literally everyone in the lecture hall. 

"Really, Duarte? This is a once-in-a-lifetime choice" 

"Get your hands away from me, Greenbriar. I don't care about your offer"

Cardan lets out a breathy laugh, his breath fanning my face. He smells like cedarwood, and I feel my heartbeat quickening. His fingers play with my earlobe. "Jude, you are smart, you know? But-" he inches closer, our noses touching- "I wonder if you'll ever outsmart yourself. You're ever so talented and pretty" he smirks before leaning in for a kiss.

It is brief, but it is enough to send fire through my blood vessels. Before I could relish in the sweetness of his lips against mine, realization hits and my hand rises and lands directly on his cheek. The entire class gasp and Cardan's posture goes rigid. My face is red with fury and embarrassment as I step back, looking at Cardan with seething rage. "What-" my voice is trembling as I speak- "do you want from me, Greenbriar?"

"For you to oversmart yourself, Jude. I don't-" he frowns, attempting to choose the right word- "tolerate obliviousness" he smirks as he picks up his bag ; his eyes never leaving me as he makes his way back to his seat next to Valerian. The blonde seems like he was the one being slapped by me as he watches Cardan with unblinking eyes, the smirk never wavering. I clench both my fists together, turning away from his vision, aggressively wiping my lips.

Through the day, I find myself incapable of focusing on the lectures as I keep turning my head to look at Cardan. He doesn't bother to focus either as he keeps returning intense gaze after gaze at me. I might be hallucinating after the brief kiss, but it downs on me that I am the reason he isn't able to focus. By the end of the day, I realize I've used the violet sketchbook he gave me the previous day to sketch him.

A low groan escapes my throat and I instantly bang my forehead on the table, feeling embarrassed. Seriously? Just how dumb can I go? I pinch my temple softly to soothe the pain and whip my head around, realizing that I'm the only person left in the class. Am I going to pretend Cardan and Valerian are not discussing like mockingbirds at the back of the hall? I certainly am. 

I tidy up my desk and keep everything in my bag, making sure there is nothing left behind. I take the sketchbook and check the content, glancing hesitantly at Cardan. It seems like I've hit him too hard just now. Ugh, he deserves it anyway - I didn't give him any permission to kiss me. I sigh and rip the pages containing the sketches, pacing quickly to the back of the class.

"Greenbriar, wait!" I say, feeling the embarrassment roaring inside me. Cardan turns at me and I follow his eye direction - my cheeks turn completely red as I realize I'm gripping his sleeve. I clumsily let go and avoid his eyes, feeling those deep ebony eyes looking down at me from such ridiculous height. I hold out a hand, giving him the papers. "Here, the sketches"

I look up and find him studying the sketches. I feel the loud thumping of my heartbeat, and certain that if Valerian comes any closer to my side instead of Cardan's, he would've heard it and I would melt into a puddle on the floor, dying of shame. Cardan's face remains indecipherable as he stares back at me. 

"Jude" he says, his tone so unfamiliarly cold. I feel shiver running down my spine. He doesn't smile, but I swear I see his mouth twitches a little. There's no way my eyes are deceiving me. "Thank you"

Oh, just another way of saying I hate you.

I hate you too.

Chapter Text

How do one convince themselves that someone hates them? It's absolutely difficult - it is ridiculous and impossible. Most people can feel it, but never certain unless they've done terrible things to the others. But, that's not the case with me and Cardan. I know he hates me, and he knows I hate him. We don't have to spit loathsome comments at each other every time we cross paths, but even an outsider can tell and explain. 

First of all, his expressions. The smile, the eye roll, the sneer, the way he looks at me. It is enough to explain how much he hates me. Don't even get me started on the way he talks to me. There was one time in middle school where I accidentally got a mark higher in History and the next hour, I found the entire school laughing at pictures of me sleeping in class. It was so embarrassing, and I prefer to not remember it all, thank you very much.

Secondly, the letter. Well, it might have looked like a childish quarrel from people who've only known me in college, but if this happens back in the time when we were in school, I would rather lock myself in my bedroom instead of facing Cardan the next day. This is not the first time Cardan has sent me letters. He's done this since he accidentally found me writing my diary - more to like reading me writing about my fat crush towards Dylan O' Brien.

Hey, my younger self thought I can have the chance to kiss and marry him.

And, the kiss. It was my first kiss! Whole my life - for the entire 22 years of my life, I had never kissed anyone in school or in my neighborhood. Why would I kiss a neighbor anyway? Back to the story. It was my first kiss and Cardan was the one who took it away from me! For once, why can't I have something nicer in life? It will always be Cardan.

Money? Cardan. Fashion sense? Cardan. Great friends? Cardan - no, I have no interest to befriend his friends, but I wish I had friends who understand me completely and not just discard me at the end of school year. A better life? Cardan. Everything is always about Cardan. Always. Now I understand why Vivi said the world revolves around Cardan.

I grit my teeth thinking about the brief kiss. That smug bastard.

The door to my shared room with Taryn flings open, revealing Taryn with eyes wide as she searches for my face. "Thank fuck you didn't break-"

"Did you really kiss- what the hell is going on here?!" Taryn's mouth drops in surprise as her eyes fix themselves on the wall. I shrug nonchalantly and turn back to the wall beside my bed, reading the notes I've pasted there - big notes, by the way. My eyes flit across the first picture to the note, to the next picture accompanied by another note and to the other as well. I hear the loud noise of book dropping and Taryn appears beside me in the blink of an eye.

"Should've stop doing that. You're not a vampire, it's giving me heart attack"

"Well, this is certainly giving me heart attack. I heard Greenbriar kissed you and then, there's this? Got some loose screws up there, twin?" Taryn hit my head with her knuckles, brushing softly.

I roll my eyes and clasp my hands together, studying the wall in front of me. Seriously? What is the big deal of having Cardan's face all over my wall? Wait. What? What the fuck am I actually doing? I shriek in realization and rip everything from my wall, stuffing all the notes I've spent hours writing and analyzing into the lowest drawer on my desk. I grab my pillow and scream in frustration. If only I study my exam notes like that, I would be recognized by all the geniuses in the world.

So, what am I now? A Cardan's genius?

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I look at Taryn and as soon as I see the bewilderment on her face, I groan into my pillow.

"That was... surprising. Anyways, why did you have Cardan's pictures on the wall? And, did you really print them from his Instagram feed? Let's not talk about how most of them are in Polaroid form"

"Shut- just shut- just shut the fuck up, Taryn! I'm trying to gather my senses here!" I massage my temple as I lay down on my bed. Right, the kiss had kick some insanity into me.

I look at the pictures I hastily put in my drawers. Have I done all this under subconsciousness? I would've remembered the notes by this time now, but I have no recollection of writing or reading them at all. I remember stalking Cardan's Instagram feed to find any flaw in his fashion sense - in which, I wasted 3 hours zooming in and out the screen of my phone and failed embarrassingly - but I don't remember printing them all in Polaroid form! Seriously, what has gotten into me?

I look up, finding Taryn looking at me with concern. I am not sure how all of this turn out to be, but this - whatever is happening now is absolutely ridiculous and should not be happening at all. Taryn is sitting on my bed, looking at me concerned, ready to ask me questions about Cardan and the kiss. I really need to thank all the deities for not letting Taryn read the notes even if I don't remember what were written. I may check on them later.

"So, I'm not going to ask about the wall. But, did Greenbriar really kiss you?"

I raise a lazy eyebrow. "Would you believe me if I said he didn't?"

"Well, that's the truth, then" Taryn stands up and I abruptly jump out of my bed, following her out of our room until we reach the kitchen. Taryn sits on the stool and pours us mango juice and I sit on top of the soapstone counter. "How did you know? You weren't in my class"

Taryn smiles through her glass. "The thing is, it's you and Greenbriar. Do you think it won't spread like an infectious disease? You might not know this, Jude, but you're famous. Like, on Cardan's level, I have to admit. Some people still call me Jude's girly twin instead of my real name because they don't me well. Let me tell you, if the two of you ever dated, it would break the news"

"Ew! There's no way in the world I would date a bastard like that!" I make a disgusted expression and frown as Taryn laughs.

"What? It's not like I'm not telling you the truth. With Cardan's heavy involvement in the society and your popularity as a great student, being the teachers' pet and all, I don't doubt it would make the newspapers sell like hot cakes" Taryn raises a hand to stop me from protesting. "Besides, everyone in the campus - I repeat, everyone knows just how much you both hate each other. Wouldn't it be sweeter if you two dated? Who knows, the nemesis for over a decade find an end with falling in love with each other?" she smiles impishly.

I roll my eyes. "Seriously? I need to confiscate your romance books right this instant. Even the spicy ones. You've been reading too much. Enemies to lovers only happen in fictional world, Taryn. This is real"

"It's not impossible. Garrett and I were sports rivals - I always wanted to win more than him. Alas, here we are. All whipped for each other"

I have to resist the urge to throw up into the sink. All this advices from Taryn are not helping me at all. I might stay single and virgin for the next decade and I really couldn't care less. There's something that hurts me in the inside knowing that I lost my first kiss to my long-standing rival, which I have no intention on liking at all. Seriously? Who in their right mind want to kiss their enemy? Even if it was brief, it still hurts. I want to save it for someone I really want to spend my life forever with.

Enemies to lovers - sports rivals to lovers, in Taryn's and Garrett's case can happen in real life, if only the two of them develop feelings during their time screaming and inserting different opinions to each other. But, Cardan won't like me anytime soon, and the same goes to me. She might just be elated because someone finally kissed me for the first time in my life. She might as well create a world in her head of me and Cardan dating, but no such thing will ever happen in real life.

This is getting out of hand. Taryn's imagination is out of my league. I need to confiscate her stash of romance books as well as her card before she starts spending on new ones. I might just let her buy books that have very little romance after this. Seriously, a crazy athletic girl like Taryn Duarte actually is very fond of reading fluffy romance novels? Who would even believe that? Even Garrett needs to accept the fact that his girlfriend has a very weird interest that's so different than sports.

"Jude!" I flinch when Taryn screams into my ear. "What the hell?"

"Hell yourself. I've been speaking for five minutes to you and you weren't listening. What were you thinking?"

Five minutes? "Sorry, not important. So, what were you saying?"

"Garrett things. Not any importance to you. So, the kiss. You slapped him?"

"I did. If you think I didn't, think again. Seriously, if there weren't anybody else in the class, I would've kick him on his dick. But, I don't want to risk his reputation by such petty act"

"Right. You might kick me off my stool for this, but I still think Cardan might actually have a tiny cru-"

"Will you ever. drop. the. subject? Seriously? You said this since last year! And, there's no sign indicating that!"

Taryn stares at her cup and mumbles "so what does he mean by he wants you to over smart yourself anyway?"

I blink, unable to answer the question. I don't even have the answer for that. Why does he want me to over smart myself? 15 years living with his presence in the same class, and I still can't figure out why he would say such offensive things and act like a petulant child demanding chocolate around me. Or, he can be maturely irritating sometimes - especially when we're forced to do works together.

Not even sketching him can make me figure out his behaviors towards me.

The gossip of Cardan kissing me is still on people's mouths after two days. Even Professor Ivan who I despise most knows what happened! I have class with him today and he keeps grinning at me and Cardan all the time for the entire two hours and a half. While I was being a mess of flustered student, Cardan seemed to enjoy the attention he received from the lecturer who rarely spares him any considering his reputation in the campus.

Not that Cardan gives a single fuck about his reputation that got worse since the day he punched Locke in the hallway.

I sigh for the hundredth time as I erase more mistakes from my sketch. The homecoming party is coming soon and Taryn and I have decided that we want to make our own dresses. I sketch and design, while Taryn will choose the fabrics, settle the measurements and stitch everything in piece. Please don't make me explain why I have to design the dresses despite taking architecture while Taryn is the one who's more driven to designing - let's say, she's planning to be a fashion designer after graduation.

So, I was supposed to be in the same course as Taryn. We've planned this together after finishing school, after considering our interests and future plans. However, the luck was never on my side - not even once - and when we both registered, only Taryn's name was on the list while mine was automatically sorted into architecture. Well, at least I still can use my drawing talent for a future.

After all, it's the only talent I have. 

Despite people keep telling how Taryn and I look so alike each other, Taryn has always has this charm where people would want to go near her while I remain alone behind her. The first two years of elementary school wasn't pleasant when I have absolutely no way to shield myself from anyone who got in my way and tried to piss me off.

I was lonely - lonely and alone are too different things, and I like being alone -, I was socially awkward and if I'm not spending time studying, my nose is always stuck in my thick sketchbook. Taryn has so many friends and although she tried so many times to make me comfortable around her friends, I was never able to. I was too awkward. I was too quiet. I was too cold.

Well, no matter how cold I was, Cardan and his little gang always knew how to crawl into my skin.

I tap my pencil furiously on the library table as I chew on my bottom lip, trying to force out any designs I have never seen in runway videos or expensive boutiques. What is the theme again? Right, Nights of Nobles. Taryn has explained to me about this whole noble thing - royalty and nobles alike, wearing gowns and suits that take them hours to prepare. This doesn't involve choosing accessories and hairstyles again. Seriously, how am I suppose to draw something so insane for the sake of university's party?

But, again, I don't want to let Taryn down. She's been wanting to attend homecoming since freshman year, but we had never get the chance because of financial problems. And, when we finally get the chance, instead of spending time in expensive boutiques finishing our savings to buy dresses and jewelries, we decide it would be best to design, measure and pick the fabrics ourselves. I look around the library and as soon as something clicks in my head, I grab my pencil and start adding intricate designs.

Ah, let's hope Taryn can finish this perfectly.

I hear footsteps from the outside and look up. I stare at Valerian who's sitting on the stool outside the glass pane of the library sternly. He sneers at me and makes a rude gesture before pointing to my back, disappearing in millisecond. I whip my head and find Locke with stack of books, looking down at me with his tawny eyes. I roll my eyes. "What?"

Locke chuckles and takes the seat in front of me. My jaw tenses immediately. "Relax, Duarte. Just trying to find a table to put my books on. Sketching? Predictable"

I close my sketchbook instantly. "That's none of your business. A table? There are lots of empty ones here" I say with a sneer.

"Yeah, I'm not blind. Just wanna talk to you"

I raise an eyebrow, doing nothing to hide my shock and curiosity. "We're not friends. What do you want to talk about?" my fingers dance on the table, watching him with a serious expression.

The teasing smile on his face immediately turns cold. His eyes are sharp as he looks at me. "Nicasia's words. I'm only delivering. She wants you to stay away from Cardan"

I almost laugh right in front of his face. I frown, trying to make sense of his words - Nicasia's words, as he said. Locke stares at me unblinking, and I burst out laughing. Annoyed glares immediately come at me and I blush, whispering sorry's at everyone nearby. I turn back to look at Locke.

"I beg your pardon? Tell me you didn't just tell me your girlfriend asked me to stay away from her ex boyfriend" I huff a breath of amusement, arms crossed as I pick my pencil. "As I recall, she was the one who cheated on him. With you, of course. And, my words, you're delivering. Tell Cardan to not demand someone he bullies for over a decade to sketch his picture, thank you very much"

"Nic knows about that and she's furious. I don't know why" Locke cuts me, hinting jealousy in his words.

I massage my temple and look at him. Like I really care if he's jealous of Nicasia's interest towards Cardan. She's been a flirt ever since we were teenagers, I don't see why he should be jealous. Cardan had no problem with that during his relationship with her - or maybe, that's what I saw - but, Locke should've known Nicasia can dump him anytime she wants just like how she did with Cardan.

She knows Cardan asked me to sketch his face. She wants me to stay away from Cardan, she's fuming that I sketched him - is she jealous? Why would I bother about such a thing? It's really none of my business. I put my book into my bag and stand up, leaving the table without looking at Locke. I keep walking as I hear his footsteps behind me, trying to catch up. Why the hell is that bastard following me? It is already good to not have any silly interaction with Cardan, but Locke has to ruin it.

I walk and walk and walk until I realize I have no way out. Good, dead end. I stare at the wall in front of me and take a deep breath. Let it be a game if he wanted it to be a game. Without any moment of hesitation, I jump and grasp the top of the wall and climb until I'm on the other side. I flinch as I see blood dripping from my hand, but that's not the case now.

I take a glimpse and see Locke struggling. I tighten my hold on my back and begin walking faster before running out of nowhere as Locke's footsteps get louder. Seriously, what does he want from me? I run and run and run until I'm out of breath, but I keep running, completely ignoring passerby who look at me like I've been chased after some crazy dogs. I turn my head and see Locke panting, taking a moment before chasing after me again. Okay, I am obviously being chased after a crazy dog at this point.

I run faster, making sure he loses me from his eyesight but as soon as I reach the front gate of my townhouse, I jump in surprise. It was my plan to get off his sight but somehow he is the one who succeeded in getting away. Locke stops a couple of meters away from me, breathing hard. I grab the baseball bat, holding it cautiously.

"What- why the hell did you run from me?!" Locke screams.

"What? You're a guy! And I was stuck in a dark alley! Of course I had to run instead of walking past you like we're friends!" I say, keeping a tight hold on the bat.

Locke stares at me with eyebrows furrowed. "I have no intention of harming you! Why don't we sit and talk like normal people?"

"No can do! I need to go home!"

"But, I need to talk to you! Make me your guest and serve some coffee. This is urgent"

I tilt my head in suspicion, the head of the bat pointed at Locke. He raises both hands, cautiously stepping closer. "Put the bat down and we can talk like normal people. It's about Cardan. It's urgent and important"

The bat drops and I raise an eyebrow. I check Vivi's car and after deciding she's at home, I throw the bat into the thick bushes and open the gate. Locke grins and follows after me and we both enter the house. I can hear people talking from the kitchen and immediately recognize it as Vivi and Heather. I make a quick gesture with my hand to make sure Locke stays quiet. 

Locke sits on the small couch, his long legs hitting the small table in front of him. Those boys really need to stop growing. I can see both Valerian and Locke's heights finally stopping, but Cardan seems to grow everyday. Is he aiming to be a tree? I put my bag and hang my jacket on the dining table chair and sit on the couch beside the one occupied by Locke. His eyes roam around the house, judging everything. I huff a breath of indignation.

"Done talking shit about my house in your head?" I say coldly with arms crossed.

"What do you mean? I was just looking"

I raise an eyebrow at the usage of innocent tone. "Well, my house's small. No decorative ceilings like yours. No marble walls or expensive furniture. No weird statues placed in corridors. What else? Of course you would be talking shit about my house"

It is Locke's turn to raise his eyebrow. "That's what you thought my house looks like? My grandparents house, yes. Not the one where I live with my mother. The way you described - it seems more fitting for Cardan's house. My mom's not from a rich family, so she worked hard to get where she is now. After my dad's death, my grandmother kicked us out from the family manor. Bit tragic, thank fuck that old woman died years ago. I might jump off a cliff if I had to listen her nagging again"

I roll my eyes. I would be so glad if he jumped off a cliff. "Get to the point"

Locke makes a face before straightening his posture. "Cool. About Cardan. Again, Nic's words. She said if you have any intention of pursuing any relationship with Cardan, she would personally punch you or slap you just like how you did to him"

My jaw falls, I stare at him in disbelief. He chased after me like a crazy dog just because he wanted to tell me this? I want to slap him into oblivion. This is stupid. This is totally incredulous. If Nicasia is really jealous, maybe she can just shamelessly turn up at Cardan's door and demand his forgiveness. I sigh and look at him. "Get out of my house"

Dear Diary,

Whoever tells you can be so dear, huh?  
It's been a week since the kiss and Cardan seems to be avoiding me. Well, good for the both of us. I don't have to endure his taunts anymore.
Nicasia, on the other hand. Well, she has always been a little bitch, hasn't she? Keeps throwing crumpled papers just to piss me off. I swear if she did it again in our next class, I will personally come to her desk and rip all the notes she's forced me to make.
It would feed me satisfaction to see the anger on her face at that.
Cardan is finally talking again to the two. Nicasia is overjoyed. They are former partners, at this point.
Why am I not liking this? Cardan avoids me after stealing my first kiss, but talks to Nicasia who cheated on him with his best friend?
Why am I hating this?
Cut it out, Jude. At least he's not bothering you.
God, but a day without his taunt feels so weird. Fuck you, Greenbriar.
I hate you.

Jude-

I stare at the blue journal before slipping it into my bag. I take my books and walk out of the hall, glancing at the back seats. Cardan is still talking with Nicasia, the girl is smiling, but he looks unfathomably cold. I blink as he turns to look at me, our eyes meet. I turn my head and quickly leave the building. No, I don't want to think about him or the kiss. Not now, not anytime.

"Duarte, wait!" I hear his voice calling after me and I stop.

"What?" I turn, but refuse to meet him in the eyes.

Cardan sighs. "You've been avoiding me ever since the kiss. Why?"

Me? Avoiding him? He was the one who did that! Besides, it's not like we're friends to talk to each other everyday. "I'm not avoiding you. You didn't say anything, why should I? You know, about the-" I feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I recall his lips on mine. I can feel the light pressure there as I touch my trembling lips.

Cardan smirks. "You're upset. That was your first kiss, right?"

"Shut the fuck up!" I glare warningly.

"Sorry in advance. I didn't know, but I'm glad I'm first. It surprised me you haven't kissed anyone before. You're a virgin" Cardan smiles and scratches the back of his neck. "I- I just can't fathom it. You're beautiful. I thought you might've at least dated once in high school" he says and I raise my eyebrow. Cardan raises his hands. "I know, it's none of my business, but still surprised"

I cross my arms together, finally looking up at him. "Are you here just to tell me you're sorry about the kiss? And, thank you for reminding me I've been a virgin for 22 years. What a good reminder, that is. First my sisters, and now you"

Cardan chuckles and takes something out from his pocket. "Glad to do the honor. Here. I told you I'm going to pay for the sketches. They're beautiful. I gotta go. See you tomorrow, Jude" Cardan smiles again before running to join his friends.

I stare down at the white envelope in my hands. Did he... did he just hand me over a thousand and a half bucks like it's nothing? Of course it's nothing for him - it doesn't scratch anything in his bank account. What the hell is wrong with him? He apologized for the kiss. He was surprised because I'm a virgin. He called me beautiful. Again. And... he kept his promise to pay me. I'm sure my cheeks are as red as tomatoes now as I think back about his smile and kiss. He praised my art.

I feel loud thumping of my heartbeat that could break my ribcage. I groan silently, muttering curses. What the hell is wrong with me? I am supposed to hate him, not being fascinated by such sweet lies.

I hate you, Greenbriar. I will never stop hating you.

Chapter Text

The rain has died down a few minutes ago, but the grounds are still muddy and soaked. I enjoy sitting under the transparent roof of the university's greenhouse while drawing or studying, but there is no greater joy than to be out in the grounds, studying movements as I transfer them all into stories in my sketchbook. My sketchbook is wide open as I add more details into the sketch for Taryn's dress. 

She wants something soft and flowery - I suppose the greenhouses can help me find the inspiration. Despite the theme of the homecoming party being Nights of Royals, such opulent ballgowns would be such a hassle for the girls. Of course there would be a little waltz here and there, but a party includes such normalcy like alcohol and I believe the students rather have more fun instead of curtseying and displaying formalities to the nobles.

By nobles, I mean Cardan and his friends.

Our campus is big, and obviously, there are so many famous kids here and there. Most of them are known for their influences on social platforms, their participations in all programs held by the university and as well as their looks, charms and friendliness. Most people here are known by those traits - and somehow, quiet kids are quite the spotlight at one time. But, none of them are famous as the four jerks.

All of them are famous and respected for their kindness - if I'm not mistaken, all these famous people here have good and warm personalities. And then, there are Cardan, Valerian, Locke and Nicasia. They are only known - and somehow, respected by everyone - only because of their parents. Cardan's parents are both famous and respected business partners that have helped many people throughout the years. Locke's mother, who came from an ordinary family, unlike his deceased father who came from an old money, has pursued her ambition of becoming an artist. Her arts are being sold all around the world, put in such famous museums like Louvre in Paris.

And, Valerian's father is a great politician. Although politics has never ring a single bell of interest in me, I have read his father's biography for a school assignment - he's gloated, proud of his heritage, but somehow still received the lowest mark. A shame, I must say. His father has fought for so many people, promising them a better future. And by what I can remember from the thick biography, he is an excellent politician and I respect him for that. 

And then, there's Nicasia's mother. Many said that the reason of Nicasia's flirtatious behavior is because she has never known her father. But, all I know about her mother is the woman is an activist, as well as a respected fashion designer. She has worked with so many people and most of Nicasia's outfits are from her brand - which means, let people be fascinated by what her daughter wears and they will visit her boutique to buy everything.

I have to admit, those dresses she wears are gorgeous. If only the price isn't so ridiculously expensive, I would've bought them as presents for myself.

And, I am still wondering how did their kids become bullies. But, it's hardly important for me. It feels great they are not trying to piss me off now. As long as they know how to keep their petty opinions to themselves, I don't have to butt into their business. I click my tongue at the beeping noise of my phone, checking Vivi's message. Of course, she's out of the town with Heather. I check the time and realize I only have ten minutes to run to my class. Wednesday. Evening class.

Seriously, I need to graduate quickly.

I speed up my steps as I enter the faculty building and run towards Professor Fierch's hall. As I enter the hall, Professor Fierch is not in sight. Only a few students have arrived from their recess. This is my favorite class because it is the only time I can see Taryn. I don't bother checking who are in the class as I march steadily to the front seat.

Teachers' pet, Jude Duarte. Always sitting in the front and raising hands to answer questions.

I put my bag and books on the table, arranging everything properly. As I move to take my seat, I hear screeching sound and as soon as I realize the void underneath me, I collapse and my back hit the small step in the lecture hall. I look up and find Valerian staring down at me with a smile filled with malice and eyes filled with hatred. Laughter erupts around me and I turn back to see Locke and Nicasia throwing their heads back as they laugh at me. Cardan sits on the empty chair behind me, his expression unreadable.

I grit my teeth and as I try to stand up by gripping the edge of my desk, Valerian pushes me down again with a hard shove from my back. I press my lips together as I fall face first, before scrambling to my feet. Are they really serious? Why the hell are they looking for trouble in the class? The loud thumping of my heartbeat roars in my ears, my anger blinding me.

"What the hell do you want from me?" I ask harshly, ignoring the pain in my knee. 

"Just looking for a source of laughter. You can be a good contribution" Locke says, sneering at me.

"Her entire existence is a laughing stock, why bother?" Nicasia says lazily as she drapes an arm around Locke's.

"How does it feel to do the honor of sketching Cardan? Have you had any idea how much it embarrassed him?" Valerian takes a step closer, his hands on my shirt collar.

I shove him hard and turn to look at Cardan. The expression on his face remain still like a cold water, but there's something else in his eyes. I clench my fists on my side, I should've known he wanted to make fun of my arts. I should've known it was a lie when he thanked me. His words of thanks was just another way to express his hatred towards me. I want to kick him so hard and stab on his pulse point that he suffocates and begs for my forgiveness. But, first of all, I want to push Valerian first and break his leg.

The anger all those years ago when he pushed me down the stairs in middle school for fun resurfaces. 

If he wants to hurt me, then I'll hurt him worse. I won't keep a humble profile and let people step on me like I'm a dirt. I don't care if I was expelled for using violence against an important person. I won't give them the satisfaction of hurting me. I will hurt them back, in worse way possible. "How dare you..."

"Oh, what is this? Dresses? Are you making your own dresses for the party because you can't afford one? Aww, this is sweet" Nicasia looks at me with a mocking smile as she flips through the pages of my sketchbook.

"Nicasia" Cardan looks up at her, his tone is a warning.

Nicasia scowls at him before putting the sketchbook back on my desk, and I grab it before Valerian or Locke can get a glimpse. I hope they don't know that this book used to be with Cardan before he demanded me to sketch him. The memory only adds more fuel into my already burning rage.

"Whatever you want from me, I won't give it to you. Now, get out of my way before I report to Professor Kaye of your pettiness. And Valerian, don't make me report about you trying to harm me" I keep a tight hold of my sketchbook and push Valerian aside, heading to my seat.

Their faces pale at the threat to report them to Professor Fierch. Kaye Fierch is the old friend to their parents, and they mostly mind their behaviors in her class. So, if I ever decided on making a report, it would be them who will feel threatened. Fierch knows everything about them, as she has repeatedly say during her class to warn them to not cross the limit. Thus why causing problems in her class will put their lives at risk.

"Fierch's class. You guys sit at the back. She'll want to ask me questions"

My posture goes rigid as I realize Cardan won't be sitting at his usual seat at the back of the class with his friends. I look up and see Professor Fierch entering the class with her usual smug face. Taryn beams as she takes the seat beside me. I hear whispers around me, judging the expression on Fierch's face. Of course, it's not rare to see that smug look, but her eyes show something else.

Fierch is wearing a black blouse that tucks into her beige flare pants with a pair of shockingly bright red high heels. The class goes quiet at the loud clicks of her heels, but it doesn't slip my hearing that some of them are snickering. I roll my eyes and begin writing down some notes as the woman starts talking.

Half an hour passes and no one bothers to ask any question. Taryn is beside me, trying her best to stay awake as we all listen to today's lecture. Fierch moves to writing down questions and asks all of us to solve them. Ah, this is my favorite part in her class. Answering questions - especially the tricky ones - has always been my forte.

"The first question. Anyone wants to answer?" I raise my hand at the opportunity and I hear groans from other students. Fierch smiles. "Miss Duarte"

"It's 7.6" I say confidently, my pride swelling.

Fierch frowns upon my answer. Oh no, I know what that means. It means I got the answer wrong. How can that be possible? I've never done any mistakes in Fierch's class. I stare down at the equations I've done in my notebook and count them again. Still, 7.6. I look up at Fierch, but she smiles at me, assuring me it's fine. No, I can't possibly get this wrong - there is no way I counted them wrong. I count a few more times and still get the same answer. I sigh.

Okay, so-"

"7.56. Greenbriar" I hear Cardan's lazy drawl behind me.

"Mister Greenbriar. That's-" Fierch looks at me before looking away again. "Correct. Please come to the front and write down your solution"

"Write it yourself. I've sent the solution to you" Cardan says coldly.

I hear gasps in the class at his rude response. I whip my head and find him staring down at me with the same coldness as his voice. How dare he speak to Fierch like that? Even Fierch seems bewildered at his impoliteness. No one has ever spoken to Fierch like that, be it students or other lecturers. To see Cardan doing it - it feels scary. Fierch sighs and takes her phone, walking to the board to write down the correct answer. I feel someone kicking my chair.

I roll my eyes and turn to look at Cardan. "What?"

He smirks. "You daft. It says three significant figures, not round number"

"You'll regret calling me a daft and embarrassing me, Greenbriar"

Fierch thanks us all for attending her evening class before leaving the hall with a brief goodbye. I pick my books and walk out of the hall with Taryn, discussing about our dresses. I feel the anger resurfacing as my eyes meet Cardan. I grit my teeth and walk faster, ignoring Taryn who's catching up behind me.

"Okay, something's wrong. Spill it out" Taryn grabs my arm.

I remain silent as she pulls me to sit on the bench in the lounge. "What kind of punishment I would get if I kick someone at their shin?"

Taryn raises a skeptical eyebrow, studying me thoroughly. "Cardan? Well, if it's someone like him, no doubt you will be expelled. But, if we were in Fierch's class, I'm almost sure Fierch would demand explanation from Cardan and protect you, instead"

"That doesn't sound convincing. Something's different. Cardan talked back to Fierch, do you think she'll act that way?"

"I don't know"

Right, just what I need. We stand up and walk to our lockers and keep some books in there. What a wonderful evening. I already have a peaceful week last time, away from Cardan's taunts, but today's incident is totally crossing the line. I press my lips together and tighten my grip on the spine of my sketchbook. I feel like I want to cry - somehow, after over a decade Cardan finally crawls under my skin like a snake by making fun of my art.

Art has always been the only thing I hold dear to my heart. Everyone can excel in academics, everyone can be pretty, everyone can be kind, but they are not enough for me. Every thoughts and feelings are poured into a mess of sketches until they look like a story. Ever since I discovered that one ability, I use my diary to sketch to express my feelings if they can't be described by words - in other way, it's my coping mechanism.

And, the only thing I'm good at is making me feel embarrassed. Cardan has used something I so deeply care for against me - his friends made fun of me for sketching. I have been called by so many names and have been done wrong so many times, but nothing feels like this. It's too much, even for me. I don't know how I'm still here, surviving all their taunts and mocking. Sometimes, they even use violence on me. Cardan did lay a finger on me once and the next thing he knew was my palm hard and strong against his cheek.

It was satisfying to slap him.

I look up at Taryn and find her staring at her phone. Without saying anything, I pull her with me and walk straight until we reach the university's grounds, ignoring Taryn's questions. I whip my head around, trying to spot Cardan in the field. He is so going to regret embarrassing me.

"Okay, what are we doing here? Vivi is coming in five minutes, Jude!"

"Then, give me four minutes to settle my business" I say firmly, dragging her with me.

"Where. Are. We. Going?" Taryn asks but my feet don't have any intention of stopping anytime soon. I ignore her and she snatches her hand away, earning a swift glare from me before I whip my head at Cardan's direction. My knuckles are growing white from the fury and the stupid smirk on his face as I walk further only adds more fuel into the cold rage emitting from me. I feel like he can see flames surrounding me but hardly feels threatened because he is a dragon.

Dragon. The cause of fire. Mayhem.

"You son of a bitch!" without further hesitation, I fling my fist upward and punch him square in the jaw. I can hear cracking sound, but I'm not sure whose bones are cracking now. Cardan stumbles to the ground, groaning at the unexpected blow of pain. His nose is bleeding - I must've hit him too hard. 

Good. 

"You bitch!" Valerian throws himself forward but Locke and Nicasia are faster in keeping him in place. I look at him and Cardan who's still on the ground, my chest heaving from anger and satisfaction. Valerian struggles to get away from the strong grip of his friends, so they let him go and he stumbles to the chartreuse grounds. His white jacket is soaked in mud and Cardan is still groaning from the pain. He doesn't even try to fight me back.

"What the hell are you doing, Duarte?" Cardan scrambles to his feet but staggers backwards as I ready myself for another punch.

"What kind of question is that? You embarrassed me! You made fun of my arts and called me daft in class! I already got the answer wrong and you have to-"

Cardan stands up, one hand holding a white handkerchief to stop the blood circulating from his nose, the other one grasping for my collar. "You choose violence, then? You wanna know what it feels like to be punched like that?" his voice is deadly as he pulls me forward, glowering at me.

My blood feels cold at his tone. He's angry. I've forgotten how intimidating he can be when he's angry. I try to wrench myself free from the grip, but Cardan tightens his grip, bringing our faces closer. My breath hitches and my heart thumps at an uncontrollable speed - a mix of fear, anger and embarrassment. I hear Taryn's voice screaming, demanding us both to stop. Cardan looks down at me, throwing away the bloodied handkerchief and brings his other hand to fist at my collar.

I don't waver. Despite the fear mingling into my anger, I stare back at him. And, at that point, I know I touch his nerve. Cardan lifts me off the ground and shoves me to the nearest tree, using his strength to channel his anger. I scream, feeling sure there will be bruises and cuts when I get home. "What the fuck are you thinking you're doing?!" I scream at him.

"What I did today was mere pettiness. You kept everything and channeled them all out with that punch. Now, let me give you a punch as equal as that so you'll learn your lesson" at his words, which I am absolutely certain are no empty threat, my face goes completely white. Cardan might have been a bully since we were children, but I never give him the satisfaction. He embarrassed me in front of our classmates, I pulled a prank on him that made him laughing stock for a week.

He raises a hand and I feel the shift of air as I feel Taryn running towards me, and as soon as I close my eyes, I hear the punch. Not on me, but Cardan's grip on my collar goes still. I slowly open my eyes, finding Taryn's arm wrapping securely around my waist as the other blocking Cardan. But, that doesn't surprise me. My hand flies to my mouth as I let out an involuntary gasp. A blonde girl stands in front of both Taryn and I, shielding us from Cardan's furious blow, her dainty arm holding him. 

Cardan stumbles backwards and releases me, creating distance. The girl in front, shorter than both Taryn and I, winces in pain at the punch. She turns her head at us and I recognize her immediately. Rhyia, Cardan's sister - which order, I don't know. "Rhyia! What are you doing here?"

"That was a very nice greetings, Cardan. Now, tell me, why did you have your hand around a girl's collar? As spoiled as you are, I don't remember anyone in our family teaching you violence, you little shit" Rhyia pulls Cardan down by tugging at his ear, and he flinches. Their height difference is visible even from my current position. I can still feel the pain of being slammed against the tree as I try to get up.

Taryn helps me and I look up at Cardan who's talking to Rhyia with panic on his face. As soon as he turns his head at me, I look down. I can feel the anger radiating from him as I walk away with Taryn, unwilling to spare another glance at him. I flinch when Taryn taps my shoulder lightly but offer a tight-lipped smile as she looks at me with guilt in pity. I don't need any sympathy for this. I punch Cardan because of my anger and no matter what I think, I have to accept the consequences of my own actions.

Maybe if he didn't bully me at all, then I might never lay a single finger on him.

"Wait! Jude Duarte!" I hear Rhyia's voice calling me.

I turn my head and find her running towards me. I raise an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry on Cardan's behalf. I know my brother's a bastard, I just didn't know it's this bad. Forgive him, please?"

I watch Rhyia with silent fury and disappointment. I couldn't form a single word upon hearing her sincere apology. I know she is apologizing to me because she feels guilty, but Cardan doesn't. He never does. I press my lips together, holding back any curses I want to throw at Cardan. "I don't want your apology. If Cardan ever feel guilty, then he should be the one seeking forgiveness for bullying me since we were children"

"Jude!" Taryn's eyes go wide.

Rhyia smiles, but the guilt is still obvious even if she attempted to conceal it. "I'll tell Cardan that. He surely has a lot to apologize"

I watch Rhyia turns her heels back and my eyes follow her figure and I observe her speaking to Cardan. I have to stifle a laughter as I watch her drag Cardan away by pulling the end of his ear - I can hear him speaking faster than he's ever done back in our French class during high school and I have a feeling that it might be because of the pain I cause. I watch them and when mine and Rhyia's eyes meet again, I smile at her.

Taryn squeezes my arm. "Well, you're going to be absolutely fucked tomorrow"

I laugh. "Right. Absolutely fucked"

Chapter Text

I flinch as Vivi massages my shoulder, releasing all the pain building up from the hard shove. Damn Cardan and his furious strength. My shirt is lying on the bed beside me, blood coating the shoulder. If only I knew he could be that strong, I would've prepared myself for his blow.

Vivi sighs as she touches the wound on my shoulder. "Rhyia called me. God, you're lucky she's not the type to report things. What if she tells her pa-"

"Well, I'll tell her Cardan bullied me for over 10 years. It's easy. I'm not letting these bunch of rich wankers step on us like dirt" I say, contempt in my voice.

Taryn lies on the bed, a fashion magazine in her hand. "At this point, I don't know who's bully and who's bullied. You two basically bullied each other since school" she laughs.

I remain silent at Taryn's words. I hate it - I absolutely hate it when she says something valid about me. Well, obviously I have stood up to Cardan so many times, but none of them were for public display. I don't know what has possessed me, but I definitely intended to embarrass him in front of everyone else just now. I flinch again when Vivi taps slightly on my wound.

"This one's pretty bad. I don't remember him as someone who has such a short temper. That was quite a blow"

I let out a choked laugh, feeling the bite of the pain. "You think anyone can keep their temper in check after being punched? Now, that could be amazing"

"Yeah, now, stay still. I would like to stitch your wound in silence, without any distraction"

Vivi jabs the needle into my skin and I bite back my lip from letting out a howl of pain. No, it would be less painful if I stay quiet. I should distract myself. Perhaps, a strategy to face tomorrow? Cardan might want to do something to embarrass me again. Well, it might not be him. It could be Valerian. He seemed ready to exonerate me into pieces when I punched Cardan.

Well, then I'll just do the same to him.

I gasp silently as Vivi pulls the stitches on my shoulder. God, when I get back to class tomorrow, I'm going to throw a chair at Cardan and give him another wound. I don't care about expulsion anymore. If that can rid Cardan from my life, then I'll be just fine. Well, maybe more than fine. Perhaps, all the fortune can rain on me with less waste of space and time in my life.

A life without Cardan seems like heaven.

Vivi wraps the bandage around my armpit and shoulder to keep the stitches in place. I heard the clinking sound of needles and metal hitting the container Vivi uses. I look down and I have to resist the urge to vomit at the sight of bleeding clothes. That is a bad wound. Vivi says something to Taryn - demanding her to fetch a glass of water or something before turning to look at me. Her expression is serious as she tosses the wounded clothes into the dustbin.

"Let me get this straight, Jude. I told you, if it were someone else, Balekin or Elowyn, you would be in trouble. Alas, Rhyia was there to pick him up. I'd say luck was on your side"

I roll my eyes. "I don't think luck has ever been on my side ever since I met Cardan"

Vivi smiles and takes my hand in hers. "He must be really awful for you to say such a thing"

"Cardan's a bastard. The bravery he had to insult my arts. He was lucky I didn't bring a knife with me"

Vivi raises an eyebrow in incredulity. "He insulted your arts? I would be dead if I did that" she snatches my sketchbook and flips through the pages, her brows furrowed slightly. "There's nothing to insult here. God, this boy must be so dumb to realize that"

I feel a smile tugging at my lips at her words. Vivi rarely gives out compliments, but when she does that, I feel appreciated. It's not much, but it's everything. Vivi gets up from my bed and Taryn returns, handing me a glass of water. I smile weakly at her and Taryn leaves, giving me time to get adjusted to the wound on my shoulder.

I walk and stand in front of the mirror, watching the bandage tightly wrapped around the area of my shoulder. Well, at least it doesn't effect my hand or I might not be able to sketch for a couple of days. Speaking of sketching, I need to get back to designing the homecoming dresses. If I can't finish mine, then at least Taryn's. 

Honestly, I don't care about homecoming. I'd rather sit on a tree branch and sketch a treehouse with golden lightbulbs instead of wasting my time dancing for hours in a fancy dress that I'll wear only once. I'd rather have a Marvel movie night with Vivi and maybe Heather too, instead of standing alone in a massive ballroom watching other people socializing.

But, I know how much this party means to Taryn. Although she has never mentioned it, but I always see the longing in her eyes every time Heather or our friends talk about homecomings. So, I will never let her down on this - besides, I have no reason to disappoint her. I grab my pencil and sketchbook and begin sketching all over again. You think I will keep the design Nicasia has made fun of? No, I will not give her the satisfaction.

Never again.

I turn on my iPad and look up for types of dresses and fabrics and colors to match with my designs. I rip pages and draw new ones, improving the intricate details on our dresses. I add more layers to make them fancier and colorful, making sure I don't miss any important details. Taryn with her flowery themed gown and mine with a blue gown with pockets, just in case I need to prepare for anyone to make fun of me. I smile at the thought of Nicasia looking at our dresses in disbelief. She will surely tell her mother to make something better.

I don't realize how long I have been drawing while sitting cross-legged on my floor, papers crumpled around me. I must've gotten so worked up over the aspect of seeing Taryn wearing something I designed for her. I hear Taryn's voice calling me for dinner and I put down my pencil, throwing the other designs into my dustbin. I put my sketchbook on the desk and walk out, a smug smile on my face.

Taryn shots up an eyebrow as she looks at me. "Okay, you look happy"

Well, I am certain our dresses will be the best at the party" I grin excitedly.

"Okay, I told you last night about the dresses, but I haven't show you yet. So, I've chosen roses, red and white-"

"Hi, Jude!" a student greets me cheerfully.

I smile. "Oh, hi!" I turn back to Taryn and open my sketchbook. "So, that's the design I chose, I want to know if you like that-"

"Jude, you good today?"

I stare at the student talking to me. I smile again. "Yeah, good. Hope you're doing good today too. Anyways, back to what I was saying, Taryn. Roses or orchids? I can alter everything today before we go out to find the fabrics. I've checked shops we can go to and they are not-"

"Jude! You're so amazing!" A first year approaches and beams at me. I stare at her unblinking, and immediately force a smile. Seriously, another interruption and I will throw my sketchbook at them. I turn back to Taryn and roll my eyes in irritation. She chuckles and takes a look at the sketches.

"Did you stay up all night picking colors? I have no complaints at all. For your dress, maybe some constellation inspired details on your dress. It's blue after all"

"Thanks!" I take the book and write down some notes before closing it. As we walk through the crowd of students, I've been receiving greetings non stop. I mean, it's not like no one's greeted me for the entire four years in this campus, but the amount of greetings I've been swarmed for the last five minutes causes me to lose my breath just replying to them. The tendons in my mouth hurt from smiling too much at these students I consider stranger.

Taryn and I depart ways with a quick teasing. I pace quickly to the lecture hall and drop to my chair, not wasting any time to cover the topics I haven't studied yet. Seriously, that was very wise of me to stay up all night sketching and choosing colors instead of studying for today's quizzes. Professor Ivan is going to taunt me for the rest of my life. Yeah, I better do some revision instead of fretting about the possibility of something that hasn't even happened yet.

I open my book and before I can even start a light reading, a few students tap me lightly on my shoulder, giving me warm greetings. I smile at them, too busy with the calculation in front of me. I don't have any idea why is everyone suddenly warm to me today, but I definitely do not want to know. This kind of thing often leads to problems. But, I am not a clout chaser, so I insist on staying away from any of these bullshit. 

I check my notes repeatedly, trying to memorize everything despite the noise in the hall. Clenching my jaw, I try to concentrate harder, ignoring all the noises around me. What is everyone so excited about? I look up and see Cardan entering the class, his expression cold and guarded, a hand beneath his jaw. Behind him, Valerian, Locke and Nicasia follow, persistent in avoiding me. Good, I don't want to deal with any of their bullshit.

I don't turn to look at them as they head to the back of the class. There is no use to do such thing at all. A guy comes to sit on the empty chair beside me - which has been empty for the entire semester - and smiles warmly at me. I don't know his name but I'm pretty sure everyone calls him Eddie. Edmund? Edward? Eduardo? Heh, I don't even bother to know a classmate's name even after years. I smile back at him.

"Hello. Can I help you?"

"Well, it's nothing. I just want to say what you did yesterday was amazing. It was stupid, but amazing"

I raise an eyebrow in confusion. "What.. I did? Uhm, what did I do?"

"You punched Cardan motherfucking Greenbriar square in the jaw because of what he did to you. That was an amazing shit there. Seriously, I want to have that courage-"

"Eddie! You have a death wish? Stay away from her!" a girl, Melanie screams at him.

I turn and see Cardan looking at me with vengeance in his eyes. My expression remains cold as I watch him. Locke and Nicasia are holding Valerian from doing something embarrassing. Well, more like throwing himself into a messy fight with me. Cardan averts his gaze away after a few seconds and I frown. My phone beeps, and I see Cardan's Instagram notification. That's an interesting way to fuck things up again.

Enjoy this while it lasted, Duarte.

I look up from my phone, tilting my head slightly at Cardan. He smirks as he watches me, and I raise an eyebrow in challenge. I don't want to miss the fun. If he wanted to humiliate me further, I have ten ways to reciprocate his energy and I am capable of making nine of them look like accidents. I might save the last option for my own satisfaction. I turn back and put my phone in my bag, looking at Professor Ivan stepping into the class with his judging look.

"Good day, lads. Ready for your test?"

The entire class grunt in response as we all instantly remove all our books from scattering on top of our desks. I hang my bag on my chair and check my phone for the last time before putting it away. This test is hardly that complicated. Professor Ivan will send us the questions through the class group chat and all we have to do is tap on the link and answer the questions. 

If he's in a good mood, then the questions will be simple. But, if he's not...

"Greenbriar?" Professor Ivan's voice echoes through the silence.

I turn and see Cardan hastily removing his legs from the desk. "Yes, sir?" he drawls, sounded almost bored.

"Beside Miss Duarte, please. Your last test was horrible. Should be thankful I didn't send that to your parents. Or better yet, Rhyia" the lecturer throws Cardan paper on the floor, causing the whole class to erupt into laughter.

What the fuck? I turn back and see that Cardan is just as surprised as I am. No, he looks furious. I snort. Of course, who in their right mind wants to sit beside the girl who punched him in the jaw literally less than twenty-four hours ago? But, there is no objection as he picks his bag and makes his way towards the vacant table beside me. I roll my eyes. Why can't I have a nice day for once?

Not that it gets any better since I found out Cardan also took the same course. 

I huff a breath of indignation as he drops his bag on the desk beside me, dropping himself to the seat. He doesn't bother to take a glimpse at my obvious irritation as he opens his mouth. "Stop looking at me like you're one step away from cutting me into pieces. Fuck it, I didn't ask for this"

"Oh, like I asked" I reply through gritted teeth.

"Please. Things could've gotten a lot worse, you bitch" he whispers, and I can feel his breath against my skin. Why the fuck is he so close?!

I whip my head at him, letting my hair slaps his cheek. "That mixture of blue and purple seems so aesthetic. I can make a whole art gallery with your face"

Professor Ivan taps a hand on my desk. "Cut it off, lovebirds! Get ready!"

I try to say something in defense, but the sharp look he gives me is enough of a threat. I press my lips together and take my iPad, checking the link he just sent us. I don't bother looking at Cardan as the test starts. I read the first question and feels like everything I've memorized scattering on the floor, mixing with one another. I have to resist the urge to curse loudly and bite my lips as I try to find an answer.

Wonder-fucking-ful.

I can hear Cardan muttering curses in low whispers, which doesn't help with the frustration building inside me at all. I glance at his screen and it seems like both of us are stuck on the same question. Professor Ivan's phone rings and he rushes up from the hall, with a rushed reminder - don't cheat, you little snakes!

Okay, now what am I supposed to do? I can't seem to remember half of the things I've learned. I'm not entirely stupid, but this? Oh God, I feel so stupid for not remembering the basics. I feel a slight movement under my desk. I don't bother to check and resume to trying to get answers out of my brain. Another movement - a kick. I look up and find Cardan looking at me, trying to take a peek at my screen. I glare and turn the iPad slightly, away from his peripheral vision.

"No cheating" I whisper.

Cardan smirks and rolls his eyes. "Please. Like you've never cheated in little tests before"

"That was school. We were kids. And, why are you talking like that? We're not friends, Greenbriar"

"Soon will be" he chuckles while keeping his eyes on mine, expecting me to feel entertained. "Come on, I give you an answer. You'll give me one"

"Stop barking. I don't want to get expelled. Especially with you" I roll my eyes and return my focus on my iPad. 

I skip the questions I'm incapable of summoning answers to, and answer the ones I remember. The thing about me and my tests are, I memorize things and I pour those shit into exam sheets or whatever you call it on your screen like I'm copying them from textbooks. I hate it when teachers asked Jude, did you copy things from your books? You're cheating? or say something like Jude, get all your books and bag away during tests, I don't want to see you cheating in exams. 

Let's be seriously honest. Those teachers were so annoying. Thank God I was always on top of the class or they might take the suspicions to another level of distrust. Well, that is not something I should be bothered about right now. This piece of shit beside me is a much bigger problem.

Cardan is very persistent in trying to distract me - getting my attention - annoy the shit out of me - God, you can call it whatever the fuck you want - by looking at me the entire time. Is he really desperate to get an answer that he has to provoke me like this? Honestly, if he were Taryn, I will just simply give up some clues. But, no one in their right mind will help their bully.

I can't do this anymore. I tilt my iPad slightly to his decision, and even though I am not looking, I can see the quirk of his lips. There really isn't anyway for him to not get what he wants. "So, which question?" I whisper, still avoiding to look at him.

"12"

"D. My turn. First question"

Cardan snorts. "A, duh. That's literally the basic"

"Okay, and? Thank you for your sincere help" I sneer and return to my previous position. I hear Cardan chuckles, and I have to resist the urge to kick his knee under the table.

"I still don't understand why would you remain silent about this. What she did was violence. You can sue her, dude" I hear Valerian's voice from distance.

I turn to poke at my lunch with disinterest as I watch Taryn enjoys her meals. Yeah, people have been talking about what I did to Cardan yesterday and it is getting infuriating at this point. And, to be honest, this kind of attention is overwhelming. The four twats are sitting on a table behind me, so I believe Valerian said that on purpose - to spite me so I can cause a scene again.

Locke seems unperturbed by his friend's mood swings - that is what you adapt to after over a decade being friends with each other. Honestly, the only good thing I can see about them is their loyalty to each other. As violent Valerian can be, he still cares for his friends. And, dramatic as Locke is, he still cares for them all. Nicasia is probably the most obvious when it comes to her affection towards the boys. Growing up together and I can see that she takes care of them like she's their eldest sister, always keeping them in check - her breakup with Cardan is still hilarious and ridiculous. 

But then, there's Cardan. He knows how to get away after causing trouble but he wouldn't risk his neck to help his friends at all. Well, maybe once or twice in high school - only if it gave him some good. Well, as loyal as he can be, he's still an annoying bastard. I role my eyes and shove my food into my mouth without a second thought.

"Waste of time. I mean, that was a good punch. It took my stress away" Cardan laughs. He really has an ability to deliver a sentence that looks so much like a compliment as well as an insult.

I hear Valerian snorts. "Not funny, Kai. I'm being serious" Cardan's middle name.

"If you as much as care about her, then go on. Sue her, but don't involve me. Locke can help you create some drama so your dad will believe what you said"

Locke chuckles. "I have better things to be done. Thank you very much"

"If that doesn't include fucking Nic-"

"Valerian!" Nicasia finally speaks, and I can feel the embarrassment from her despite not looking at her.

They all burst out laughing, echoing the quiet cafe. Not many students are here, mostly are just who have finished today's classes or those who have no intention of returning home yet. Well, that's a different case for me and Taryn. We are exhilarated to know who will be in our team for the final year project. It is an obligation for all fashion and architecture students to have collaboration for final year. Taryn is hoping to be in the same group as me, but really, I don't know if it is possible. 

Although, having Taryn and someone decent from my faculty will be luck for me.

"Speaking of Jude Duarte, that punch isn't that much of a nuisance. Really, I am more excited to see the final project team names" Cardan says, and I can feel shiver running down my spine. Really, it shouldn't bother me, but he said my name, so that means I am completely fucked.

"We promised to pair up together, Car. Val's with Nic. You can't really change things now" Locke says bitterly, as if he knew what Cardan is talking about.

"Trust me, Locke. I know what I'm doing"

What? What is he doing? He mentioned my name and he is excited to look at the name list. This can't all be a ploy to annoy the shit out of me, right? Although, maybe I deserved it after that one punch. I look up and find Taryn looking at me with concern in her eyes. I raise an eyebrow in question at the display of emotions.

"You good? You're not eating"

I smile forcefully. "Nervous. I don't want to end up in a group with people I don't know well"

"Trust me, we're going to be in the same group" Taryn laughs, and I laugh too, getting rid of the uneasiness at the pit of my stomach.

I freeze instantly as I find my name on the information board. I can hear people whispering around me, obviously pointing to my name on the list. Taryn seems like she is at a loss of words, too. If this isn't the worst nightmare in my life, then I don't know what is. Someone please slap me so I can wake up from this horrible nightmare - because honestly, what the fuck does-

"Jude?"

"What?" I ask, regretting the harsh tone of my voice. Taryn sighs and wraps an arm around mine, trying to make sure I feel okay.

"At least we're in the same group, right?"

"Yeah" I say in total despair.

Group 17
Theme: Medieval Boutique and Designs
Leader: Taryn Alana Duarte
Members: Jude Sophia Duarte
: Cardan Kai Greenbriar 

This is so fucked up.

Chapter Text

I am silent for the entire day, only dreading of what to come tonight. If Taryn notices the slight change of my behavior, she doesn't make any mention. Neither does Vivi who seems to be able to read me on the first glance after Taryn and I returned home yesterday. I am obviously going insane just by the thought of this.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Extremely pale, to the point I think I might be sick and dying. Well, maybe it's true. Cardan has said to meet up at his apartment for tonight and although Taryn doesn't seem to bother much about it, but the uneasiness inside me keeps building by time. Honestly, petty as I might sound, Taryn should be the one setting our place to meet up as the leader. 

I check my bags - my books and all stuff that I might need for tonight's meeting. Well, some snacks too - in case I feel like running away from being in a closed space with Cardan. I shake my head and take a deep breath. I sound like I didn't see Cardan everyday since elementary school. What difference could this one meeting make?

Maybe it's because we have to work together...

"Jude?" I flinch when Taryn taps my shoulder. My mouth pulls into a grim line as I look up at her.

"Stop thinking about it too much. It's not like he was the one to decide which group he's going to be put into. Didn't you hear Locke yesterday? Cardan was supposed to be paired with him" Taryn shrugs and sits on my bed. 

"We promised to pair up together, Car. Val's with Nic. You can't really change things now" Locke says.

"Trust me, Locke. I know what I'm doing"

Well, maybe. Just maybe if he didn't make it sound like everything was planned, then it wouldn't bother me much. Besides, I am lucky enough to have Taryn in the same group. It's a good thing Taryn is the leader too - she will have my back and make sure Cardan will not do anything rash or stupid. Well, at least not something that involves me anyway.

"Right? What time is it? We should get going"

Taryn nods and takes her bag as we walk out from our bedroom. Vivi has offered to drive us but we refuse and ask her to go on a date with Heather, instead - or at least, try to patch things up with her girlfriend after their big fight. Taryn and I walk together to the nearest bus stop and wait for a cab.

The sky is getting darker by each minutes. The lights from the cars on the road are ruining my eyesight trying to catch any cab. Even if there is a cab here, it will take us at least take an hour to arrive at Cardan's apartment - the bad traffic doesn't seem to help either.

Taryn is frowning at her phone - probably noticing there is no way we're arriving there on time. I gnaw my lips and try to think of a solution. What else is there? We already walked away from our house and it would be absurd to ride our bikes to a luxurious apartment. I can just imagine the guards giving the weird look upon seeing two young girls arriving at such a prestigious residency with fucking bikes.

Taryn looks up and sighs. "So, we have to walk"

I widen my eyes. How can she say such a thing so easily? "Walk? It will take at least an hour if we drive. Well thank fuck we don't have any car" I sneer and roll my eyes.

"Well, says the one who refused Vivi's offer. What other solution is there? Fly there? I mean, if I have wings, I would've done that already"

"Not funny!" I slap her arm and Taryn makes a mocking painful expression. I glare sharply at her. I cross my arms and look away sulkily - Taryn is right, after all. I don't even know why did I refuse Vivi's ride. Maybe I'm just terrified to answer questions about Cardan. I sigh and turn back to look at Taryn.

"Fine. Let's walk. You've missed the track, I bet"

Taryn smiles. "Definitely"

An hour and a half.

Cross that. Almost two hours until we make it to the residency. Taryn and I are panting and I have no doubt that our hair look like a total catastrophe of a bird nest right now. We haven't even arrived at Cardan's door yet. I hope he's not angry or waiting for us. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind much considering he doesn't ring any of us up.

Taryn sighs and we both enter the elevator together, waiting it to arrive at Level 28. I watch the designs inside the elevator - all shining and well-polished. I wonder if posh people ever do things in halves when it comes to flexing their money to the world. If this is where Cardan lives alone, I wonder how big his other siblings' houses are - or how expensive they all are. I wonder what kind of household he grows up in.

Yes, I've known him for impossibly long time and I've never been to his house. He used to invite the entire year for parties during high school years to one of the hotels' ballroom that his parents owned just to show off. The younger me was envious of him, but to think again he is still a jackass no matter how rich he is.

As soon as we catch sight of the unit with number 1113, Taryn and I look at each other and frown. Without communicating, I think we both can understand what we're trying to say to each other. Weird choice of unit, to be honest. I can hear noises inside - he probably has some guests, that's why he doesn't ask about our whereabouts that much.

Property of Greenbriar, Cardan Kai
Unit 1113

I scoff at the plate on his door. Of course. Only rich wankers like the Greenbriars will have golden name plate on their houses' doors. Taryn rings the bell and in less than five seconds we hear a clicking sound, unlocking the door for us. Someone pulls the door from the inside for me and Taryn to enter and my eyes widen as I catch sight of the person standing behind the door.

Dain Greenbriar. Cardan's third eldest.

The blonde is looking at us with a smile but also there's a big question mark on his face no matter how hard he tries to conceal it. Of course, why would twins show up at his brother's house at nighttime, right? I curse myself mentally. Handsome man, please do not get the wrong idea.

"Cardan? You said you were waiting for guests, didn't you?" Dain turns to look at his brother who comes out from the kitchen with a glass of wine.

Cardan is chewing something and as soon as our eyes meet, his eyes widen in surprise. Surely he must've known we were supposed to meet tonight - he was the one who decided where we should meet after all. I tilt my head at Taryn but she frowns and shrugs her shoulder, clearly at lost of what is happening. Cardan shakes his head and approaches us.

"Right, come in. You, get lost"

My eyes are unblinking at the way Cardan speaks to his brother. Dain raises an eyebrow but doesn't seem to mind his ill manners. He smiles one last time at us before joining his other siblings in the living room. I turn to look at Cardan but his expression is indecipherable. Well, this certainly isn't how I expected things to go on.

Cardan leads us upstairs, completely ignoring his siblings. Taryn and I smile at his sisters who are waving and greeting us cheerfully from the dining table. We arrive in a room that happens to be a study or a small library and I turn to look at Cardan as he slams the door shut.

I watch him as he stays against the door for a few seconds and abruptly take my eyes away as he approaches us. None of us say anything as I help Taryn with her notes of suggestion and budgets. Cardan seems to be examining all the notes, taking his time reading them from time to time.

Ten minutes passed since we start checking the notes, and no one has said a thing now. Taryn sits on the couch and Cardan has his legs crossed on top of the table as he writes down his suggestion while I sit crossed leg on the floor and calculate our budget to buy all the stuff needed.

I look up at Cardan, seeing the concentration in his eyes as he compares his notes with Taryn. He has his pen positioned between his upper teeth and lower teeth. Has he always been so serious about his work?

"I would really appreciate it if you start fussing about the budget instead of burning a hole into my head, Sophia" he says as he smirks at me.

My eyes are wide in surprise. No one has ever used my middle name except my parents. I feel the heat rising to my cheeks and take a seat beside Taryn. She raises a skeptical eyebrow at me and I immediately shake my head. No one really remembers my middle name - it's too normal and plain, so why would Cardan remember such a thing?

Cardan changes his sitting position and turns to look at us. "We promised to meet at seven and yet you arrived at quarter to nine. May I ask what's keeping you away at such time? This is only the first meeting, and yet you both have shown horrible attitude as to show your displeasure to work with me"

I don't know what to say. Every word he says feel like a bullet tearing its way straight into my heart. I glance at Taryn beside me and see the she doesn't even meet Cardan's eyes. He seems angry with us. I don't realize if he would be offended at us for not arriving at the promised time. But, come to think of it again. Even I myself would be annoyed if someone doesn't appear at the time I promised to meet them.

"We're sorry. We don't have any transportation and the traffic was horrible" Taryn says in a low voice, guilt lashing out of her.

I look up at Cardan whose eyebrow is raised. "You walked all the way to come here? Well, Taryn. I know you're an athlete, but there is always a solution. Don't your sister have such a big brain that she's so proud of? What say you, Jude?"

I pale visibly at his question. What excuse can I make? I mean, Taryn's honesty leaves me no space for excuse or lie. I press my lips together and look away. "Sorry. There really isn't any excuse I can come up with" I say, completely resigned as I look at him.

His gaze softens as our eyes meet, but he blinks and looks down at the papers on the table. "Anyone knows how to call? Right, I might need to teach you both on that too. You're the team leader, Taryn. Knock some sense into your head if you remember your own responsibility" his voice is rich with sarcasm.

I watch Cardan as he stands up and makes his way towards the bookshelves. Even though I couldn't see his face now, he is clearly upset with us. I am not sure which part upsets him more. Part of us being late or the part where he assumed we don't want to work with him. Probably that one is more bitter than the current situation.

Taryn looks at me and gestures me to approach Cardan. I frown and shake my head, protest clear in my eyes. Taryn rolls her eyes and points to the paper, giving me signals of the words she wants to say but to afraid to - you go and talk to him. You know him better than me, so go. I don't want to ruin my grades just because of this little incident. I sigh - fine, whatever - and gather Cardan's notes.

I read them and is surprised at how meticulously written all of these despite only being written a few minutes ago. I know he is a smartass, but I didn't know he is really this smart. I sigh and stand up from the couch, nervously making my way towards the furthest shelf where Cardan is leaning against with a book in his hand.

I gulp slightly. His position is lazy, one arm propped behind his head as he scans the text in the thick white book. His dark midnight hair falls down to cover his forehead, adding a strange attractiveness to him. His white shirt's sleeves are rolled to his elbows and his long legs are even more visible with the black pants he puts on. I blink my eyes as I feel the beat of my heart quickening. 

Cardan snaps his book shut and tilts his head slightly upward, closes his eyes and asks "what?"

Even his calm voice is scaring me. I fidget slightly and ignore all the voices in my head as I stand in front of him. Cardan glances down at me, almost uninterested as he watches my outfit. A plain white tee with a pair of denim jeans. "You're upset with me and Taryn" I say.

Cardan sighs and finally opens his eyes, looking at me. "Thank you for stating the obvious. What the hell do you want?"

"Look, I don't want this to be a problem, okay? You don't want to work with me, and I don't want to work with you. The reason I didn't ask for a change is because of Taryn. I don't want to burden her with my selfishness. So, please. Don't make this a problem. I want my marks and you want yours, it's simple"

Cardan lets out a low laugh. "I never said I don't want to work with you, Duarte. But you are way too obvious. Now, I'm even more upset" he says and steps closer to me.

I instantly back away, but Cardan keeps coming closer like predator preparing to take his prey whole. I walk back until I realize I am trapped between him and the shelf behind me. My heart beats quicker as Cardan places one hand against the shelf, smirking at me. "I'm upset with you, Jude"

"Cardan, what-" before I can say anything, he captures my lips with his, kissing me. Instead of tensing, I feel my body relaxing as his hand slides down to touch my arm. I kiss him back softly and grasp his arms, pulling him closer to me. I have forgotten how warm those lips felt when they first landed on me.

I feel his tongue slipping into my mouth as I gasp, holding him closer. I didn't get to feel his body pressed against mine the first time he kissed me. Of course, it has been brief and filled with anger instead of passion. I sink my nails into his shoulder and Cardan instantly lets out a low groan.

His tongue is exploring the insides of my mouth but I don't know what to do - I keep running my fingers through his hair. He surely has realized by now how inexperienced I am in this. Kissing, snogging, or even sex - I haven't had any experiences in them at all. And now, Cardan has me under his control and we're literally snogging the lights out of each other.

As if sensing my insecurity, Cardan breaks the kiss and looks at me. His cheeks are flushed pink and his hair is messy from the ruin my fingers have done. I feel the rush of heat on my cheeks as I look at his slightly parted lips. I straighten myself and look down at my feet, embarrassment crawling visibly at my skin.

"Are you okay?" Cardan finally asks, concern in his tone.

I look up at him. What am I supposed to say? I sigh. "I suppose I am. Just- it was abrupt"

"Sorry. I- when I kissed you in the hall, it was only to annoy the fuck out of you. But, your lips- fuck, what am I saying?"

I raise an eyebrow. "What about my lips?"

Cardan turns back to the shelf behind him, refusing to meet my eyes. "Nothing. I'll come later to start discussion. Go now"

I don't know what to say so instead of forcing him to tell me what he seemed to want to tell, I walk away towards our table. Taryn is lying down on the couch with my iPad on her chest. She's probably scrolling through Pinterest or Google to find some inspiration. As if sensing my presence, she turns to look at me.

"Where's Cardan?"

"Right here. You can divide our tasks now, team leader"

Chapter Text

"So, final decision. Cardan will manage the budget. Jude, you will handle our materials and designs. And I will be drafting out the reports and finish the final parts!"

Cardan and I nod, instantly taking notes down. Taryn surprisingly makes a great leader. She has such a professionalism that I have never seen from her. Cardan doesn't seem to have any intention in delivering thinly-veiled insults in a way of praising any of us at all. He is surprisingly pleasant to work with.

For the first time in my life, I've seen Cardan being respectful towards others beneath him. He is really cooperating with us for this project. I glance up at him and catch the calculation in his eyes as he looks down at his notes and phone, before turning to Taryn. He's had that look for our entire discussion - he seems to always be asking questions.

"We should set a day to meet up, don't you think? We can't meet everyday. We need to study for finals and obviously, after classes, we all are already exhausted and feeling like absolute shit" Cardan looks up at Taryn.

"How about Saturday night?" I say, finally suggesting something instead of agreeing for the first time for the entire conversation.

Taryn turns to look at me, considering my suggestion. I turn and find Cardan also looking at me. I can't decipher the look he is giving me - it is nothing insulting, but more like he is about to object the idea of meeting on Saturday nights. Before Taryn can even have a say in the issue, Cardan stands up abruptly. Taryn and I look at him.

"I'm not free on Saturdays. Weekly family dinner" he says, his voice distant.

I blink, glancing at Taryn briefly before turning to look at him again. "Oh, well. How about Friday night? Taryn only have two classes and we have 3. We can stay the night to discuss and finish everything" I say.

Taryn's eyes blink in interest instantly, but we both look at Cardan, waiting for his answer. If he is going to make it complicated, I will punch him in the jaw again. No, even the kiss won't bother me. Even the scent of him or the sweetness of his lips won't stop me from punching him. Even the moment when his weight pressed against me- for fuck's sake, stop it.

I shake my head and sigh, sitting down on my chair and begin comparing my notes with Taryn's and Cardan's. Mine looks like a complete messy nerd notes with doodles here and there, as well as some random sketches, while Taryn's notes are simple and organized. As for Cardan, well - not as messy as mine, but solid. As if they aren't brief notes he took while listening to Taryn. They look like notes from someone who really is interested in the project. 

I put their notes down and start to put my books into my bag. I glance at the clock - it is quarter to one now. This is what happened when I decided to reject Vivi's kind offer to send us here. Well, I really do not have any idea how Taryn and I are supposed to go back home without any transportation. I am not willing to start another two hour walk when all I need right now is a good sleep before the morning's class.

"Friday nights are fine" Cardan says, looking down at his books.

Taryn smiles and grabs me by my shoulder. I jump slightly and scowl, surprised at the sudden touch. "We'll get going now. So, Friday nights, here? Unless you have any other place, you can text us. Or, just tell Jude-"

"What? Why the fuck-" Taryn steps on my toe with her pumps as a warning. I grit my teeth, trying to hold back a scream of pain, smiling forcefully at her. "Right. You can text me if you have other things to do" I look at Cardan briefly before turning my head back to Taryn - stop stepping on me, you idiot!

Taryn bids Cardan goodbye and I ignore the pain as we walk out of the small library - or at least, that's what I assumed the room to be. The lower floor is already silent, except for the slow voices coming from the TV. I can see the rest of Cardan's siblings already asleep on the couches and- the carpeted floors. Well, that seems hilarious. This place seems to have a lot of room and yet they choose to sleep in the living room.

I hear footsteps and turn, seeing Cardan in nothing but a black shorts. His upper body is shirtless as he walks down the stairs, frustration is obvious on his face as he looks at his siblings. I feel the rise of heat on my cheeks as I observe his body. He's slim but also very muscular. Guess all the rough training of basketball really paid off. Plus, his height also makes him more attractive.

I hate how the more time I spend around his presence, the more I find him attractive. Like, he could just be staring at a shelf - probably burning a hole into it - and I could still make a comment about his hair or his side profile, especially his perfect jawline that is so sharp that can cut through skin like razor. It is unfair how someone who's bullied me for over a decade can be so painfully and breathtakingly beautiful.

"Are you two leaving?" Cardan asks, and I spot concern in his eyes. Is he worried about us?

Taryn smiles. "Of course. Our next discussion will be on Friday. Besides, both Jude and I need to-"

"But it's already one. And, you don't have any car. Besides, I can't send you back home with my siblings sleeping like untamed frizzy monkeys here"

What does he mean? I look up at him, meeting his ebony eyes. Cardan's gaze doesn't waver as he stares at me from the stairs. He looks so fucking attractive even while sleepy. One snog and all you can think right now is how attractive he is, huh? - I mean, no one can really deny it. 

"So, you want us to-"

"Stay the night. I'll show you the guest room upstairs"

Before I can say anything to object his kind but ridiculous suggestion, Taryn grips my arm and beams at Cardan. She has that sweetly sick smile on her face but I know she's threatening me to not say anything. I curse her mentally - what the hell are you doing? You've been like this for the entire night. "Thanks!"

Taryn pulls my hand and we walk upstairs. Cardan doesn't say anything as he leads us down the hallway to the guestroom which sits only a few door from his room. I know it's his room because I see his name's written on the door - does this man really have all his possession carved with his name? 

Cardan opens the door and steps aside, giving us room to step into the guestroom. It's a spacious room for guests. There is a small couch and a dressing table, as well as a small wardrobe - all in white. In the middle of the room stands a small bed that I have no doubt will only fit one of us. I glance at Taryn who's already sitting on the bed.

Right, only one person can sleep on the bed.

Looks like I'm going to be sleeping on the floor tonight.

Before I could step into the room to put my bag, I see Taryn flashes me a smirk and turns to look at Cardan. "It seems like this bed is too small for the two of us. I have sensitive skin, so I can't sleep on the floor"

Taryn glances at me. What are you doing?

"And Jude's allergic to dust. Besides, my sister can't sleep on the couch because it's leather. She's a bit sensitive with them"

Cardan stands silently at the door, examining me from head to toe. I really want to punch and kick Taryn, but I don't really have any excuses to her words. Whatever she said was true - I have sensitive nose and apparently, leather is the last thing I would love to sleep on especially when I'm terribly listless. Cardan folds his arms, not taking his eyes away from me.

"You'll sleep on my bed. I can sleep on the couch there tonight" he says it so casually, as if it's not weird to invite a girl to sleep with him - even though not on the same bed.

"I'm sorry, what-"

"You should go, Jude" Taryn smiles at me.

I open my mouth to say something, but press my lips together quickly as I glare at Taryn. I am not going to forgive her for doing this. Is she still supporting the idea of me being with Cardan? I should've never told her about the time he kissed me in the hall. God, she really is pushing me into this stupid plan of hers. I swear I'm gonna get back at her.

I follow Cardan out of the room, resisting the urge to stare at his back. I want to curse and drown myself. How can someone's back be so stupidly attractive? The toned muscles of his arms, the sharp blade of his shoulders as well as his slim figure. Man, he is mouthwatering. I shake my head, feeling my cheeks burning again. Cardan pushes open his door and invites me in, closing the door.

I jump at the sound, but turn away quickly, inspecting the room. His furniture are mostly silver and white. His bedsheets are- I gulp. Satin bedsheets. Of course, I should have known a rich wanker like him would definitely sleep with satin sheets instead of cheap and comfortable cotton ones. Honestly, this material can't even give them some heat, how can they sleep in these sheets every night? I put my bag on his desk and sit at the edge of the bed.

I watch Cardan as he hangs his jackets and shirts in his wardrobe before taking a small blanket inside it and a pillow from the bed. He plops onto the long couch and fixes the pillow beneath his head before he realizes I am looking at him. Cardan raises his eyebrow and looks at me.

"Spill it out"

"Don't you have any other guest rooms?"

"No, only one. I don't really have guests. My siblings sleep there sometimes, but they prefer everywhere except the bed. One time I found Dain literally sleeping in the library" he lets out a laugh as if he's telling me a joke.

I keep looking at him. I don't know if I can trust him or not. I have never been in a room with a guy before, and of course, this is scaring the shit out of me. By sunup, I will kick Taryn's ass for putting me in an embarrassing situation. Cardan turns away from me and looks at his phone, but he seems unfocused. He sighs and looks at me.

"Sleep, Jude. I'm not going to do anything to you. Both of us are exhausted, anyway"

I watch him for a few seconds more before taking off my jacket, putting it on the floor beneath the bed. I slip under the satin blanket and shiver as the smooth material slides against my skin. I turn to face the balcony, refusing to face Cardan despite him literally lying down on the couch. Has he always been this kind?

After a few minutes, I turn to the other side and find Cardan already sleeping on the couch. I observe his face from my position. He looks calm and friendly - not like that stern or cold look he always gives during classes. I wonder how beautiful he is up close. Although we've kissed, but I never really get to appreciate his face. I closed my eyes when we kissed - he might think I was embarrassed, but the truth was I was lost in sensation of his lips against mine.

I instantly pull the blanket up to cover my face, feeling embarrassed of ogling Cardan while he's asleep. Go to sleep, Jude!

I wake up to the noise made from my alarm. I press my eyes shut as I look for my phone. Where is - right, it's on the desk. I've forgotten I am literally asleep in someone else's house. I kick the blanket off me but when I look down, I find arms wrapping around my waist. And, that is also the moment I realize someone breathing evenly against my neck.

I freeze in horror. What - what's going on? I tilt my head slightly and find Cardan asleep - literally sleeping beside me. I start to sweat nervously. Does this mean - could this mean - did we sleep on the same bed last night? I don't remember him joining me on the bed. I bite my tongue, resisting the urge to scream. He doesn't do anything weird to me, after all.

I check myself again and realize I am still wearing the same black spaghetti tank top as well as my denim jeans. Right, nothing happened. I try to breath and the bed shifts. I turn my head and find Cardan already looking at me. He seems still sleepy - his ebony eyes stare into my walnut ones, and I feel my heart palpitation quickening. Oh God, it's quarter to seven. Let me have my peace.

"Good morning" he greets me with a lazy smile, his voice rough and scratchy from his sleep.

I feel excitement pooling in my stomach and my cheeks begin to turn red again. "How- how did- you were on the couch last night" I say, too embarrassed to meet him in his eyes. God, it's not like we're talking to each other after a one-night stand!

Cardan places an arm across his eyes, covering the light from outside. The sun is about to rise. He smiles, as if knowing I am still waiting for an answer. "That fucking couch is too small for me. I don't want to suffer from a back pain. Besides, the bed's enough space for me"

"You were hugging me" 

"And you like it. Or else, you might scream or kick me away by now"

"Would you want to wake up in pain, then?" I scowl at him. Which one is crazier and more stupid? Kicking Cardan off the bed because he hugged me while we were asleep or liking the feeling of his arms around me? What kind of person like it when they fell asleep in their enemy's bed later to only find out the said enemy has been hugging them the entire night? But, when I think of it again, I feel a sense of longing, wishing his arms are still around me.

God, I'm so fucked up. If this hadn't been for Taryn's slyness, I wouldn't have end up here at all. That little witch - I swear I'm going to create memes out of her pictures and send them to Garrett. Well, no, I'm just joking - yeah, maybe not. I turn to look at Cardan and when I realize he's still shirtless, I turn away to stare at the balcony. Cardan laughs as he sits on the bed.

"You made sleeping with me like the worst thing you've done in your entire life" Cardan laughs, still not taking any of this serious. I just stare at him, unsure of what to say. A part of me really wants to scream at him right now, but a part of me wishes to be held by him again. I blink my eyes. Cardan's laugh drops and as soon as he looks at me, his expression turns serious. He sighs. "Right. I'm sorry. That probably crept the fuck out of you"

"Well, just a bit" I say, looking pointedly at the floor. 

Cardan clears his throat and sits at the other end of the bed. I watch him check his phone in silence. Right, I should get going now. My first class starts at nine, so I can go home and take a bath, pick decent outfits and eat breakfast before going to the university in some small cab. Let's just hope the traffic is doing perfectly fine.

That is, if Taryn doesn't leave me here - although I have the feeling she would just to annoy me.

"I should go and wake Taryn now. We need to go home and take a bath" I say, reaching for my jacket on the floor.

Cardan stands up and looks at me. He seems to hesitate to tell me something as he studies me from head to toe. He glances at his phone and sighs. "Taryn's left earlier. She has class at eight"

"That motherfucker did what?!" Taryn, you are so fucked up. By the time we both finish our classes, my fist is going to be on your pretty face for literally leaving me here all alone with Cardan. Well, not really alone. But, what good would it be if his siblings found me and him in the same room? His own room? When the owner is completely shirtless and wearing only shorts?

They will think we did it!

My face pales in horror and I quickly run into the bathroom to wash any smudge of my makeup. Lesson learnt, don't ever sleep with your makeup on. I look around the sink and nonchalantly grab Cardan's facial cleanser and apply it on my face. I lean closer to the sink and slap the water to my skin and when I straighten myself, I find Cardan leaning against the door while watching my reflection from the mirror.

My eyes widen and my cheeks turn red. I shriek and grab a face towel, throwing it to him. "ARE YOU A GHOST? WHY DIDN'T I HEAR YOUR FOOTSTEPS COMING?" I shout at him.

Cardan chuckles and steps beside me. He takes his toothbrush and paste, glancing at me from the mirror. He doesn't take his eyes off me except for the brief second when he spits out the paste to clean his mouth. Cardan wipes his mouth and turns and sit on top of the sink, looking down at me.

"Ah, it's actually nice to have someone as a company here" Cardan smirks.

I roll my eyes. "You're hardly alone. Your siblings are still here, I believe"

"Yes. And imagine if they find us in the same room, what would they think? I can just imagine Elowyn and her nosy ass asking did you have sex with your guest while we're asleep? Imagine the shock" Cardan says, leaning down so our faces are closer.

I frown and point my index finger, pushing his chest so he moves away from me. "Are you threatening me to be responsible? Taryn put me into this situation, and you didn't object her. And when I woke up, I found you were sleeping beside me. I am just a victim, I'm hardly responsible"

"Right. But you do realize all my siblings are aware of just how much I hate you" he says, finger fiddling with a strand of my hair. 

I slap his hand away and scowl. "And I hate you too"

"Hmm. Your lips on mine last night begs to differ" he says, a winning smirk on his face.

I glance at the mirror and ignore the way my cheeks are turning red. I step back from him and grab the doorknob. I hate him. I hate him I hate him I hate him. I hate him so much that I feel like I'm drowning in my hatred - as if the hatred is suffocating me but giving me no choice but to live with it. I hate his voice, I hate his body, I hate the way he speaks to me, I hate his lips, I hate the taste of his lips on mine. I hate his stupid and perfect face. I hate every single inch of him. I hate him.

"I hate you" I say through gritted teeth.

"Uhm. So you said. You have quite a talent of saying the obvious"

See? This is what I mean when he has a talent of delivering thinly-veiled insult in a way of praising people. I clench my fists and slam the door open, heading back into the room and snatch my bag. I do not spare Cardan a glance as I open his door room. I stop dead in my tracks as I find Rhyia standing in front of the door, confusion etched on her face.

My face pales visibly. Oh my God, someone can bury me a grave and I will gladly walk into it right now. Rhyia raises an eyebrow and I turn my head sharply, and realize Cardan is heading out of the room while putting on a black shirt. I slap my forehead, wishing I can just melt into a puddle right now so I wouldn't have to face this kind of embarrassment.

"Uh. Sorry, did I disturb anything?" Rhyia asks, looking mildly confused. But when she studies my features, she frowns. "You're the girl who punched Cardan right? There's no way you guys-"

"Nope, nothing happened, Ree. I let her sleep in my room last night because we finished the discussion too late. Her twin stayed in the guestroom, but Jude's skin is sensitive, so she can't sleep on the floor. So, I offer her my bed"

Rhyia raises an eyebrow. "Where did you sleep then?"

"On the couch. But-" Cardan seems scared to say the truth. I doubt he's actually scared of other people, but this probably happens because Rhyia is the sibling he's very close with. "the couch was uncomfortable. I slept on the bed later on. I didn't touch Jude, I swear I didn't. We didn't do anything"

Rhyia seems unconvinced with Cardan's answer, but when she turns to look at me, she beams. She holds me by my shoulder and takes me down the stairs with her, leaving me completely confused. What does she even want to do now? God, does this bloodline really have a habit of grabbing people's arm without telling them their intentions?

Rhyia takes me into the kitchen and I catch sight of utensils and dough and various sprinkles and chips. I find a cookbook and baking pan too. Elowyn and Caelia are arranging the cupcakes in a tray while baking the others in the oven. I look at Rhyia and she smiles. Elowyn and Caelia look up from their activities, smiling at me. "Hi, Cardan's guest!"

I smile awkwardly at them. I don't know if that's an insult or maybe they just don't know my name. But, didn't Cardan tell me they know about me? Ah, I shouldn't be thinking about Cardan now that he is no longer in my sight. But you're still in his house, don't you remember - shut up. I accept the drink Caelia offers to me.

The girls are all so beautiful that it makes me feel so small to be here. Elowyn's hair is dried seafoam green and it stops before her shoulders and the top of her hair has dark shadows. Assuming that Balekin and Cardan both have black hair, Elowyn must have the same before dying her hair. Caelia and Rhyia are both blonde, the same shade as the one I catch on Dain's hair last night. Except, it seems like Caelia has dyed pink and purple highlights into her hair. 

Their features are sharp and perfect - if perfection exists, by any means. They are all shorter than me which surprises me because all the men in their siblings are impossibly tall like trees on mountains. I am not short by any means, like I am actually considered tall as a girl, but whenever I'm facing Cardan, it feels like facing a gorgeous tree.

Didn't you say you should not be thinking about Cardan, Jude?

I shake my head and find Elowyn looking at me. "Out of space. What were you thinking about?"

"Oh? Um, nothing. I like your hair" what the fuck? That is so abrupt.

Elowyn smiles and offers me another glass of juice. "This is so far my favorite color. I might continue dying this color just to spite my parents at family gatherings" Elowyn smiles suggestively, pouring herself another glass. I think I can see where Cardan gets his annoying trait from. But, I don't really find Elowyn annoying - maybe it's because she doesn't seem to be the type of person to annoy people for no reason.

"I don't know you can bake" I say, glancing at the cookbook beside me. Caelia sits beside me with a friendly smile, her pink highlights reflecting in the lights of the kitchen. "Well, that's people's assumption on us. Greenbriar, born in diamonds and golds, what other talent can they possess? And when I open my own bakery, netizens were so shocked as if it's not normal for a human being to open a bakery"

I chuckle at the annoyed expression on Caelia's face before downing the remaining of my mango juice. Rhyia joins us later on with a tray of cupcakes and food decorations, her expression masked and unreadable. I look at her and she looks at me. She looks cold right now, as if she's about to investigate me on something. "Right. What about you help us with the cupcakes while we ask you some questions?"

"Rhyia" Elowyn says, as if it's a warning.

"Relax. Nothing's harsh, sister" Rhyia smiles.

"I have classes at nine-"

"Have fun, Jude. Skip a day. You can ask Cardan for notes later. We intend on taking you to Caelia's bakery today"

"But-"

Rhyia raises an eyebrow at me, as if challenging me to object her invitation. I sigh and pick a cupcake and begin putting sprinkles and accessories on the wrapping paper. Honestly, being in a circle of powerful people is almost as terrifying as having to stay in Cardan's room. Not that it is any better when I am stuck with his sisters.

Skip a day? I don't think I have ever done that. Except if I am not feeling well. Obviously, despite how studious I am, my mom will always force to sleep and rest once she realizes I am sick. I feel a sharp pain in my chest. It's been months since I last seen Mama. I sigh and shake my head.

"Are you and Cardan together?" 

I blink my eyes and look at Caelia. "No. We hate each other"

"Really? That young chap seems a bit suspicious lately" Elowyn says, fingers fiddling with the sprinkles.

"Well, Cardan said all of you know about me. So obviously, he's told you just how much he hates me. Not that it's any better. I mean, he deserves to be hate because he's a complete jackass" I say and spray the sprinkles on top of the cupcake. I grab the small box and fold it nicely after putting the cupcake inside it.

I look up and find all three pairs of eyes on me. They are looking at me as if they are studying me - not judging or calculating any movement, just looking. I frown at the indecipherable expressions on their faces. Did I say anything wrong? What did I say? As the memory hits, I slap my forehead. I did not just call their precious spoiled little brother a jackass.

Well, I guess I need to run back home now.

Before I could mutter an apology, Elowyn, Rhyia and Caelia burst out laughing. I freeze as I watch them. Why are they laughing?

"What did you just call Cardan? That's an amazing thing to call our brother" Caelia laughs, wiping a tear forming on her eyes.

"He's horrible, I'm not gonna lie. So, El. I guess you will have to believe this girl really punch Cardan in front of so many people" Rhyia elbows Elowyn with a grin.

Elowyn presses a hand to her stomach before looking up at me. She seems to have the most fun among the three of them. "A jackass. A punch. All in one week. Girl, you're amazing"

"You're not angry I called Cardan jackass?"

"Nope! Why should we? I've put his name in my phone as Cardan Stinks for way too long. It's time I put Jackass Brother now"

This is a surprise. I do not have any idea insulting their brother will sound nice to them. Well, maybe if he isn't a complete piece of shit around literally everyone - it's obvious with the way he talked to Dain last night - it is no surprise that his sisters won't bother back him up with all the things he's done.

I wonder how spoiled Cardan really is as the youngest.

I can see he is actually close with his sisters - probably because both Caelia and Rhyia's age gaps are not so far than him. Considering that Elowyn is also his sister, so obviously he spends most time with all his sisters. As for Balekin and Dain, I do not know much about their relationship with Cardan.

After what I witnessed last night - the tension between Dain and Cardan as the youngest told him to fuck off, I'm pretty sure his third brother isn't his favorite. Balekin and Cardan are like twins - except Balekin looks strict and totally put together while Cardan is the lazy and messy little brother. I wonder if they are actually close to each other.

"We will continue more at the bakery. Ladies, let's take everything out now!" I stumble out of my chair with boxes of cupcakes in my hands, hastily making my way to follow the Greenbriar sisters. Great, just when I think I can get rid of Cardan for a day, his sisters are about to ask me every single thing.

Well, maybe don't get yourself into trouble next time.

Chapter Text

I open my bedroom's door with a heavy sigh and throw my bag somewhere near my desk before throwing myself into the bed. My muscles feel like they have been hit by metal balls - I close my eyes and inhale the sweet scent of lavender in my room. Taryn is probably out for the night with Garrett considering that tomorrow is Saturday.

Ah, so many things have happened today.

Right, you and Cardan hate each other since the first time you set eyes on each other.

Does Cardan show any changes around you recently?

Do you know Cardan's favorite color? Guess what, even his ex doesn't know about this.

What do you think about dating Cardan?

I sigh as I remember most of the questions being asked by Cardan's sisters. To be honest, I really don't get the point of that friendly interrogation both at his apartment as well as at the bakery. So, I skipped class, I got held back by Cardan's sisters, I helped them at the bakery and ended up in an interrogation with weird questions about their brother. 

I wonder if Taryn is actually involved in all these. After that little bravado last night as well as leaving me with Cardan in the morning, I will not hesitate to kick her out of our shared bedroom if she is really involved. I sigh and roll on my bed, staring back at the ceiling. I can hear the rain falling heavily outside and perish the thought as I close my eyes.

There are still other things that need to be done. I have to text someone to ask to borrow their notes. I snatch my phone and scroll through my contacts. I really do not have that much numbers in my list. Really, I only have my family's numbers, as well as some of my old school friends. Well, not exactly friends, but I used to work with them. And then, there are the numbers of the bullies.

I honestly have no idea why I have Locke's and Valerian's number - as I remember I have never worked with them - but, I have Nicasia's number for almost three years now because we used to work together during the first semester. Yes, there were so many arguments being involved - obviously because of our pettiness and Nicasia's continuous accusation of me stealing Cardan's attention from her.

Alas, she's the one who cheated on him.

I scroll through, ignoring the only option I have in my contacts. I try to find any of my classmates' numbers but turns out there is none that I actually talk with. I save their numbers from our class group, so it would be rather awkward for me to approach them. It will probably be less awkward if I can reach them on Instagram. Well, fuck. I am not even that active on my personal account. I spend most of my time just sending time-lapse of my digital arts and posting random sketches there.

Right, now who should I contact?

Do I really have to ask Cardan? Isn't there any other options that I can get? Unless I want to fail my finals, I can pretend those notes are not important. Besides, if he asked why I didn't go to class, I will simply dodge the question and demand the notes instead. Clever, Jude.

J: Hey Cardan
C: Jude

I roll my eyes. Even the way he texts annoy the shit out of me.

J: Right, I'mma make this brief. I want to borrow your notes from today's classes
C: You want to borrow my notes? Just why were you absent today?
J: Is that really necessary? It's not like I really wanted to ask for yours. You're the fifth I've asked for

I lie, of course.

C: So you texted me because everyone else refused to lend theirs to you? I might say I'm doing the same
J: Why? 
C: They are my notes. Why should I lend them freely to you?
J: For fuck's sake, I just need some notes to copy from or else I might not know what to do
C: And, how does your problem bother me?
J: God, you're so annoying
C: YOU are annoying
J: All I asked is for you to lend me your notes. Don't drag this for too long
C: You ignored my question. Why were you absent?
J: Is that really your business?
C: If you want to borrow my beautiful notes, yes, it is

I sigh. I can just imagine him smirking after sending that text. That smug bastard. I would have insulted him directly if we were not working together for the final project. 

J: Rhyia urged me to skip class. I was in her bakery and I just returned home
C: Ree did that? What was she on about?
J: Idk. Now, I've answered your question. Can I borrow your notes?
C: Fine. It seems like my sisters are starting to like you, so I don't really want to get in trouble
J: What's that got to do with me borrowing your notes?
C: Nothing. Wait, I'll send them to you

I stare at my phone anxiously as I wait for Cardan to send his notes. He is no longer online and it is almost five minutes. What the hell is he doing? If it wasn't for the notes I desperately need, I will simply take a bath and go to sleep. Is he trying to find an angle to capture all the notes? I know Cardan doesn't use his iPad much to write notes. He usually handwrite them. It's absurd to think someone like him actually enjoys taking notes in class.

My thoughts disappear as I hear the soft creak of my door. I turn my head and find Vivi smiling at me. She is wearing her favorite blue oversized shirt that covers half her thighs as she stands there. I put my phone down and smile back at her.

"You have a guest downstairs"

I frown. "A guest?"

Vivi nods. "Uh-huh. Go downstairs. I'll order some pizza"

"Okay...?" I reply hesitantly before walking out of my room.

I walk down the old staircase of the small townhouse and find familiar messy black hair and broad shoulders sitting on the couch. Why is Cardan here? Did he drive all the way home to meet me here? Wait, that would take him at least an hour to arrive, so how? I shake my head and take the seat at the empty couch.

"You come here"

"Hello, too. Is that how you greet your guests?"

"Is there any time that you can stop being an annoying piece of shit?"

"You curse a lot for someone with gentle face" Cardan says with a mocking smirk.

"You bas-"

"Cardan, do you mind staying? I actually order some pizza for dinner" Vivi approaches us.

Cardan turns to look at her with a smile. "Sure. Thank you for the invitation, Vivienne"

"Oh, you remember my name" Vivi says, completely caught off-guard.

I roll my eyes. Is he flirting with my sister right now? Someone, please dig me a grave.

Cardan laughs. "You're Rhyia's friend. I spend too many times with her to not remember you"

Vivi laughs and leaves us all alone again. To be honest, Cardan is a nice person, but he surely does enjoy annoying and angering me. I roll my eyes and glance to the black thin file in his hands. Are those his notes? Cardan finds me staring at the file and hands it over to me without any question. I blink my eyes and hesitantly take it from him.

"It takes at least an hour to arrive here. How did you drive so fast?"

"I was out drinking with Balekin and Dain at the small bar down the alley"

"You bring your notes along?"

"It's in the car. I want to email them, but I don't have your address. That's why I come here"

And somehow he has my house address. I wonder if he got it from Locke. I open the file and scan his notes with my eyes, and instead of focusing on the notes, I get distracted by the random doodles and the colors of his highlighters. Of course, I am not surprised at his creativity. But, I just love the doodles and the bright colors.

I glance briefly at Cardan and see that he is checking his phone with a smile. He is smiling in such an affectionate way that I have never seen on him before - except when he used to look at Nicasia. I wonder if he actually has find himself a replacement for Nicasia.

As the thought wash over me, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. Isn't it supposed to be a great thing that Cardan finally has a girlfriend? At least, he won't have too much time to annoy me unless he has any intention of putting my life at risk for being under the strict watch of his girlfriend. But, why am I feeling like this?

I should feel relieved. I should feel happy. I should feel okay that he finally won't talk to me that much except for our project discussion. Am I... jealous at the thought of him having a girlfriend? No, that doesn't make any sense. He's dated Nicasia and I hardly feel a thing. Probably more annoyed because the two's powers are just absurd.

Of course, we kissed and slept together, but nothing really changes. I hate him, and he hates me. He kisses me for the sake of spiting me. To annoy me. To remind me of who or what I am to him. To let me know that his hatred for me will never stop. To remind me how low of a person I am compared to him. So, why do I still feel this way?

What is wrong with you, Jude Duarte?

"Jude? Why are you so quiet? Too immersed with my notes?"

"No. I was thinking about something. Besides, you were smiling at your phone, so I didn't want to disturb you" why am I like this?

It takes a few seconds for Cardan to understand what I'm saying. As the realization downs on him, his face goes pale with horror. "Fuck, no. I don't have a girlfriend. Elowyn sent some stupid pictures of signboards she found on Google"

Oh? God, why am I embarrassing myself again?

"Besides, if I already have a girlfriend, the entire university will know. And, it's not like the girl I like realizes it" he smiles at me and leans back.

"Pizza is here! Jude, can you help prepare them? We have no beers left at home. I'll go to buy some"

Vivi drops the pizzas on our dining table and without waiting for my answers, she storms out with her car key. Great, now I am in this place alone with Cardan. This stupid consequences of being trapped with people who basically purposefully leave me with Cardan is making me sick. They definitely do this on spot.

Taryn, the mastermind.

Cardan's sisters, the interrogators.

Vivi, the clueless assistant.

I stand up and walk to the dining table, taking the pizza boxes with me. I open the boxes, studying the pizzas one by one. And, it's not like the girl I like realizes it. What does Cardan mean by that? He likes someone and that person doesn't see it? Isn't he used to flirting? So, maybe it is his fault that he isn't making the first move.

Fuck, why am I even bothered by this?

I reach for the cabinet above my head and look for the plates to arrange the pizza. I have no fucking idea if the cabinets are getting higher day by day or I am probably growing shorter. Well, let me get this clear again - I am not short. And, I'm pretty sure there is no change because Vivi's little staircase to reach the cabinets is still at the same height.

I grit my teeth as I stand on my toes, trying to reach for the plates at the back of the cabinet. I. Do. Not. Need. That. Little. Staircase. Vivi. Uses. She is short, I am not. A satisfied smile crawls its way to my lips as I finally manage to grab for three plates. The extra is for Cardan - as per Vivi's request to let him eat dinner with us.

I roll my eyes at the thought.

As I close the cabinet, I slip before my feet can reach the ground and instantly close my eyes as I feel myself falling. I press my eyes closed, waiting for my back to hit the floor. After a few seconds, I realize I am not falling. Am I- floating? My eyes flutter open and I find my palms on someone's chest, and someone's arm around my back. I find the plates resting on the countertop.

I look up and find Cardan looking at me with concern. His arm is behind my back and my palms are resting on his chest. I shriek and jerk away from him. But, due to the influence of shock, I lose my balance again and somehow end up in Cardan's arms, my face buried in his chest. I feel my cheeks turning red.

"You clumsy girl" Cardan says, a finger playing with the hair falling away to my back.

I clear my throat. "Uhm. Right, you can let me go now"

"I'm afraid you're going to fall again"

"Since when do you care? Let me go" I push him and take the plates on the countertop. I turn away and downcast my eyes, too ashamed to look into his eyes. At this point I'm convinced Vivi is taking advantage of the situation to leave us all alone by an excuse of buying beers. I shake my head and begin cutting the pizza to put them on the plates.

I ignore Cardan as he takes a seat on the stool opposite me. I press the pizza roller tighter, feeling the embarrassment rising inside of me. Right, ignoring him would be the best. There really isn't any good to bother about the existence of Cardan.

I watch as his hand moves to take a plate that I've placed a pizza on it. I watch his rings - the Greenbriar signet ring shining bright against the light of the dining room. My eyes follow his fingers fiddling with the end of the pizza as he takes it from the plate, and slowly bringing the food to his mouth. I watch the way his throat bobs as he swallows the pizza.

I hear a soft chuckle. "I really appreciate it if you don't ogle me when I'm eating, Duarte" he smirks, and I abruptly look away. What the fuck? I did not -

"I wasn't looking at you!" I cross my arms defensively. 

"Oh yeah? Look at the pizza" Cardan's smirk grows bigger. I look down at my pizza and realize they are not cut properly. When will I ever stop embarrassing myself?

"Well, maybe I got lost in my thoughts. You don't even have any proof that I was looking at you"

"You've got a point. But, it seems like you like my rings"

I flush instantly, completely at a loss of words to deny his statement. He wasn't lying, I do like those rings. I clench my jaw and as I hear the sharp rap from the door, I turn. Vivi opens the door with a smile, showing us two plastics of beers to the both of us. Good, I don't have to be alone with Cardan any longer.

"Beers are here!"

"Yeah, Vivi. Which store did you go? You took so long"

"Eh, I left you two so you can discuss about whatever work you have. You know, just giving some privacy" Vivi wriggles her eyebrows teasingly.

"Vivienne!" Cardan and I say at the same time, and as the realization sink in, both of us turn away, avoiding each other's eyes.

"Cute. How's the pizza, Cardan?" Vivi is still wearing that teasing smirk of hers. 

"Perfect. Thanks for the treat, Vivienne" Cardan says, completely looking away from me.

Vivi chuckles as she sits next to me. "You're the guest! And, Vivi is fine. You practically grew up seeing me spending time with your sister, I suppose calling me Vivi is normal for you"

Cardan looks at Vivi with a smile. He is still not looking at me. Huh, now that my sister is here, he finally knows how to act like a guest, huh? I roll my eyes.

"I'll keep that in mind"

Cardan and I toss Vivi to her bed, watching her giggling as she mumbles Heather's favorite coffee brand in her intoxicated state. I press a hand to my forehead, letting the embarrassment wash away. Honestly, how can she get drunk in front of a guest? I sigh and walk out from the room, Cardan following me as we walk down the stairs.

I send him until we're at the gates without any words. 

"See you on Monday" Cardan turns to look at me, smiling genuinely.

I feel my heart skipping a beat as I watch that smile. I've seen him wearing that smile when he looked at his phone - when he told me Elowyn sent him some funny memes. I force myself to smile back. It's not sincere, but, at least I know my manners. 

We stand facing each other in silence for a few seconds. Clearly, this silence is almost comfortable and I have no idea why. I watch Cardan as he takes off his signet ring, taking my hand and tossing it into my palm. My eyes go wide, staring at the signet ring in my hand. The silver G is glinting in the moonlight.

"Why are-"

"Take care of it. I want to see it on Monday" he smiles.

"Wouldn't your parents ask? You have family dinner tomorrow night"

"I have another one. I can use that one. You can keep it"

"Uh-" I blink in incredulity. "Thank you"

Cardan smiles as he slips into his car, driving away while I stand here, dumbfounded. I shake my head and look down at the Greenbriar signet ring in my hand. It's- really beautiful. It looks like every bit of ancient aristocracy is carved into this little piece. I put it on my ring finger and realize it won't fit. I pull at my necklace and unclasp it, put the ring as a locket before clasping the necklace again.

What a long day.

I spread my arms wide as I step out of the bus, letting out a high-spirited scream. Finally, after two months, I can inhale the scent of citrus of this countryside. A whole weekend free of Taryn and Vivi pestering me with questions of when I'm going to get a boyfriend. A whole weekend free of assignments - I finished everything last night - and a weekend free of nuisances.

A weekend free of Cardan. What a blessing that is.

I carry my bag as I walk down the road, smiling brightly as I look at the greenery around me. I am going to spend the entire weekend with my parents at this small countryside, before returning tomorrow night and fretting about studies again. Right, I should take advantage of this time instead of thinking about classes.

I stop in front of a small wooden house with garden surrounding it. I can see a man bending down, plucking tomatoes from his garden, his head covered with straw hat. I put my bag on the door and step into the garden, approaching slowly before hugging the older man from behind. He jerks but as soon as he sees me, a bright smile lights up on his face.

"Jude, my little pumpkin!" Dad throws his hat away, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug.

I laugh at the nickname. I am Dad's little pumpkin, Taryn is his little fairy and Vivi is his little cinnamon roll. Honestly, I am not a child anymore to be called by such a name. "Hello, Dad. How have you been?"

Dad takes off his gloves and squeezes my cheeks, looking at me with that familiar fatherly smile. "Look at how much you've grown up! The last time I saw you, you were the size of my palms. I can't believe my little pumpkin is an adult now. It feels like yesterday when your mom gave birth to you and Taryn. I still remember the way you cried"

I blush in embarrassment. Although I have no memory of what happened when I was born, I know how embarrassing it would be for me. "Dad, I'm 22 now. You and Mom don't have to worry about us anymore. We will still visit you from time to time"

I turn and see Mom carrying a tray of cold drinks as she steps towards us. Dad holds me by my arms and looks at Mom, faking tears. "Eva! My little pumpkin said she's going to leave us!"

"Dad! I didn't-"

"Oh, Justin. You really need to stop being so dramatic" Mom puts down the tray on the wooden table, approaching me. "Hello, little pumpkin. How have you been?"

We kiss each other's cheeks and I smile at her. "I'm doing good, Mom. Exams and end year projects are approaching. You know, I'm a senior now"

"See? I told you little pumpkin is going to leave us! She must have plans after her graduation and will forget about us just like how other ungrateful kids do to their parents" Dad sheds another fake tear again and I sigh. This is exactly where Taryn gets her dramatic personality.

Mom rolls her eyes and pulls me to go with her. "Quit the drama, Justin. Come inside, it's getting hot"

Chapter Text

I hum the song Mom used to sing to me when I was a child as I shape the dough to make blueberry scones. It is a song Mom sung to me, Taryn and Vivi before we go to sleep when I was - probably 9 or 8 - and listen to Mom sharing stories about the other villagers. Dad is baking doughnuts for the three of us, making sure they are my favorite flavor - strawberry vanilla.

Dad keeps being dramatic about how I want to leave him to die all alone. I chuckle as I transfer the dough into the tray, taking out blueberries from the refrigerator. "Dad, I will never leave you to die alone. You know that"

"Yes, but I'm just saying. You know, kids these days-"

"Justin Duarte! One more time you say such a thing, I'm going to hit you with this ladle" Mom turns and glares at Dad. 

I laugh and turn back to settle my dough. I put everything in the metal bowl and put it into the oven. I sit on the stool and turn to look at my parents, finishing the remaining of my orange juice. Mom takes the stool in front of me, her eyes stopped at my necklace. My heart skips a beat.

"New necklace?" Mom asks.

My fingers instantly fiddle with the signet ring hanging from the necklace. I press my lips together before removing my fingers from the ring. "Yeah..." I say hesitantly. I can't tell them Cardan gives me this. That would be the end of me. 

If I told them a boy gave me the ring, they will bombard me with questions about boyfriends.

If I told them Cardan gave me his ring, they will think it's weird.

Yes, my younger self definitely told them everything about Cardan. You would think a girl who actually punched her bully would not tell about him to her parents, right? Well, I wasn't this bold back in the days. After all, Cardan was definitely twice my height at that time - he still is taller - but he was so much bigger than me especially when we were 12. His growth spurt is absurd, he seems to never stop growing.

Jude Duarte, you promised this weekend is going to be free of Cardan.

"Isn't that- the Greenbriar signet ring?" Dad frowns, looking at the necklace.

Oh, shit. Mom raises an eyebrow, Dad studies me with a suspicious look. Wonderful. Why did I decide to wear this necklace again? Well, the only reason is probably because I rarely take this necklace off, so that is probably why I just take it along with me today. Not that I expect Dad would know how a Greenbriar signet ring look like.

I mean, how can he know what a Greenbriar signet ring look like? The silver G gleams slightly because of the sunlight and I downcast my eyes. I can't bare to look at my parents right now. I am not ready to look at my parents and answer thousands of questions from them about the ring. 

How can their youngest daughter- the one who's been bullied since her childhood by none other than the youngest Greenbriar - possess such a prized possession of that bloodline? Obviously, they are going to bombard me with questions. Wonderful, I just want two days free of Cardan, that's all. Is it really that hard?

I need to return this to him by Monday. 

"Cardan gave it to me" I say softly.

Dad's eyes widened as if something just shocked him. "Are you dating him? I thought he's your bully"

I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly. "We- we're civil now. Taryn and I- we're working together with him for a final project"

"And are you dating him?" it is Mom who asks me this question now.

"No. I'm still in my right mind. But yeah. I guess this is just one of his ways to apologize. Putting his trust in me"

"Kids these days are weird" Dad says, sighing as he puts the sprinkles on the doughnuts.

Mom rolls her eyes - a habit that I undoubtedly get from her. "Justin, don't start"

I open the small window in the guestroom and smile as the night summer breeze hits my skin. I look up to the sky and observe the starless sky, watching the clouds moving to hide the moon. It is going to rain soon. Finally. Dad says it hasn't rain for a few weeks now. 

I remember when I was a lot younger, I used to wish I have wings so I can fly in the night to count the stars and make a lot of wishes for people I love. Mom and Dad had laughed at this of course. It's ridiculously absurd. I laugh softly as I think of it.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I decide to ignore it. I do not want to see any messages from my lecturers or people who want to ask me to lend them my notes. Not from Taryn or Cardan who most likely will text me for the sake of our project. And not from Vivi who will definitely text me and ask about what she's going to do about her relationship with Heather.

I sigh and roll on the bed, fingers tracing the G on the signet ring. This might just be a new habit I'm going to pick up if I decide to keep this ring for longer. Honestly, what was Cardan thinking when he tossed his family's heirloom into my palm? And, who in the world owns two signet rings personally?

I doubt he was actually telling the truth when he said he'll wear his other ring. The hatred we have for each other is already so obvious, but what makes me hate him more is his unpredictability. For a moment he can be all cruel and malicious - like the time he kicked dirt into mine and Taryn's lunches back in middle school.

And in the other, he acts all annoying by mocking or asking me questions - like the time when he replied to my texts. Or, he can also be the nicest person I've ever met - the way he smiled to me that night is leaving me with a thousand questions.

"Jude?" 

I look up and find Mom standing at my door with a smile. I smile back at her and quickly sit on my bed, inviting her inside. I look to see if Dad is also here, but he's probably asleep now as it is almost midnight. Mom sits at the edge of the bed, concern showing in her eyes. I frown.

"What is it, Mom?"

"I'm just worried about you. You know, you're no longer a child. Both your sisters already have their partners. I wonder when are you getting yours"

I smile awkwardly. Cool, I didn't see this coming. 

"Mom, I can still find someone after graduation. Relationships are not important when you have finals that will determine your future path coming. Besides, Vivi and Heather fought again for who knows how many times"

"But, my love. Aren't you planning on having a boyfriend? I've heard from Taryn that there are some guys in your university that have feelings for you for so long"

I laugh bitterly. "I don't know, Mom. I don't really pay attention to people around me"

"How about Cardan? I heard from Taryn he's being very respectful during your group discussion" Mom smiles, hope glinting in her eyes.

I suppress a laugh. Haha, very respectful. If only Taryn knew we kissed that night, her plans for me to end up with Cardan might be bigger. Look, if she found out we actually snogged each other that night, I believe she will try to push her agenda further and make it obvious to Cardan instead of silently threatening me.

"Yeah, he was surprisingly cooperating. I think that should be a good start"

Mom smiles and gestures me to lie my head on her lap. I sigh and crawl closer to her before resting my head there. She plays with my hair and I close my eyes, relishing in the affection provided willingly. It feels like the good old days again. 

When I was younger, telling her everything about my day seemed so normal. Even when I was in high school - even if those things involved Cardan's bullshit. But now, it feels too uncomfortable as I realize I'm no longer a child who should rely on my parents on everything.

Everything is normal, except for school and Cardan. I really can't stop thinking about him, huh?

"You seemed so lost in your thoughts" Mom smiles as she pats my head.

I smile. "About some assignments. There isn't anything important to think about"

"Try to look into it, my pumpkin. A boy puts his trust in you by letting you keep one of his possessions. And, not just any stuff, it's his family heirloom"

I frown at Mom's words. What is this abrupt change of topic? It takes a whole damn minute for it to sink in and when I realize it, I look down to find my fingers fiddling with the ring on my necklace. Wonderful, this is growing into a habit now. I might as well break this and fret about giving up my own life to pay for the damage.

No, I'm just kidding.

I sigh. "There's nothing to look into, Mom. Our hatred is mutual. We're just being professionals at work. Besides, maybe he's doing this to spite his family. Unless he has a wish to lose his head, he can ask me to keep this for longer time. I plan to return this on Monday" I remove my fingers from the ring.

Mom chuckles and stands up, bending slightly to kiss my forehead. "Taryn wasn't joking when she told me you really are clueless"

I frown as I watch my mom leave my room. What does she mean by that?

"Cardan-"

I am in a dimmed room, against a shelf - possibly a library. With Cardan. With. CARDAN. He has an arm wrapped around my waist while the other one against the shelf, blocking me from any possible way out. His eyes are dark as he stares down at me, his fringe covering his eyes. 

His eyes darken impossibly - as if it is possible for his dark eyes to go darker - but it is happening. My chest is heaving, my breath is uneven. Cardan presses himself closer towards me, eyes never leaving me. My lips, specifically. I try to remove his arm from my waist, but he is too strong. Impossibly too strong.

I want to ask him to let me go, but at the same time I want him all over me.

Cardan's eyes glance over the space around us, as if checking if there is anyone watching us. The hand against the bookshelf is now on my cheek, caressing softly. I feel excitement and anticipation pulling in my stomach, resisting the urge to pull him closer and closer to me.

"You're beautiful" Cardan whispers.

I hear a soft creak from the door, but before I can say a word, Cardan captures my lips in his. The taste and scent of his mouth against mine is unfamiliar - not like the other times we've kissed. He tastes like peppermint, oak, alcohol and sin - he is drunk. Cardan is drunk and he has me under his control.

Everything about the way his lips move against mine screams sin. Sin, sin, sin. But, I am unable to pull away. I am not paralyzed or cursed to stop at the moment - I simply can't pull away because I don't want to. Instead, I feel myself craving for more of his lips. Craving more of him.

I kiss him back after a moment of hesitation and Cardan breaks the kiss for a brief moment to let out a groan before latching our lips together again. I gasp and instantly wrap my hands around his neck, letting him lift me up until my entire presence is pressed against the bookshelf, from head to toe.

Cardan slips his tongue into my mouth, tasting every inch of flesh he can and I have to resist the urge to make a sound. I don't know where I am, but I know I can't get lost in his touches and kisses for too long or people might find out that we're inside this place- whatever this place is. Cardan's teeth nip at my lower lip and I let out a startled gasp.

He breaks the kiss and moves his lips lower to trail sloppy kisses down my neck. I close my eyes, fighting to not let out any noise. But, as I feel his tongue licking a long stripe on my jaw, I let out a soft moan and I swear - I fucking swear - I can hear Cardan groaning in my ears. As if he's just heard such a mellifluous melody.

My body is sticky with sweat - both from anticipation and anxiety pooling inside of me. I grasp him at his shoulders and wrap my legs around his waist, holding tightly as he takes me sitting on the table nearby us. Cardan removes all documents with a quick push before turning to look at me.

His eyes are molten dark, his cheeks are flushed and his lips are swollen. He is looking at me with that look - that look he gave me the night when he tossed me his ring. I wonder what he sees to make him react to me this way. Cardan's fingers trail the side of my arms, playfully tugging at the spaghetti strap of my tank top. His other hand is on my thigh, caressing softly.

Worst of all, I am aroused by his touches.

"Tell me to stop, Duarte. Tell me to stop and I will stop" Cardan says, voice low and rough. 

I have to clench my thighs to stop whatever I am feeling right now. "What is going on, Cardan? Why are you kissing me?"

"I don't know. I don't fucking know. All I think about is kissing you. Snogging you. Fucking you. Making you mine. All I can fucking think about is you, Duarte. What have you done to me? Do you hate me that much you have to fuck with my head?"

This is absurd, but a new surge of power comes rushing over at me. Cardan is confessing to me of what he's been thinking. I should be terrified, but instead, I am pleased. It feels like I have control over him - as if he is bound to me, to only think of me. Cardan grabs me by my chin, looking at me with hooded eyes.

"You fucking bitch. I hate you and yet all I think about is you"

I hear footsteps. I turn my head and see Taryn looking at us with eyes wide. I want to move but I can't. Despite having this feeling of being in control, I realize I am still under Cardan's power. Taryn's hand goes to her mouth as she studies us from afar. Why isn't she coming here? Is there any wall or barrier there?

And then another person comes. Cardan. Looking at us with a horrified look.

Then it hits me. That is not Taryn. That is me. Watching myself and Cardan with hands on each other. Even the other Cardan is staring with wide eyes. What is going on? Is this all a dream?

"It is indeed your dream, Duarte. Funny. I still have control over you despite this being your mind and imagination"

Then everything turns pitch black like I've been sucked into another realm.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

I frown as I hear a loud scream in the class. Honestly, there really isn't any reason for someone to actually make such a noise at Monday morning. I already hate Monday mornings since I was a child, and last night's dream doesn't change anything for the better at all. I curse under my breath as the dream hits me again.

Why did it feel so real?

The entire dream was so absurd and completely doesn't make any sense - even if it was a dream. Even thinking about it again causes me to go absolute mad. Besides, what kind of dream is that? And, the worst part is the ending! Those lines and poof! My alarm rang as if there's an arson in my neighborhood.

"Where is your ring, Cardan?" I hear Nicasia's voice.

I look up and find Cardan with Nicasia at the back of the class. Locke isn't here. Weird, wouldn't it cause more rumors with only the two of them here? Cardan looks almost bored as he looks at Nicasia.

"I don't see how that's any of your business"

"It is! Your signet ring! Where is it?"

My hand instantly flies to the signet ring on my necklace. This morning is completely fucked. I already am living a life with constant unluckiness, but having this signet ring just makes everything seems a lot worse. I sigh and bang my head against the table slowly, wondering what I did wrong in my past life.

Because, honestly. Why am I so unlucky?

"That's my ring, Nic. Can you stop bothering about this? What do you really want from me?" I hear Cardan's lazy drawl.

Nicasia hisses and I swear, the entire class turn to look at them. Huh, just like the old times where they picked up random fights just to steal people's attention. Cardan is sitting with his legs crossed on top of the desk while Nicasia stands beside him, looking as angry as ever.

Oh oh. Must the atmosphere drop dramatically every time those two are about to create a drama of two former lovers? Hey, look. Honestly, I like watching classroom dramas - but, not the ones involving the four bastards. Well, ones that involve Locke might cause some tea to be spilled, but ones with Cardan and Nicasia? Nah, that is one way to ruin everyone's morning.

Especially mine. And I won't let them do that. Not today.

"Nicasia!" I stand up, and embarrassment sinks quickly into me as everyone's eyes move to me. Well, fuck. I'm about to do something embarrassing, so why not do it all the way?

Nicasia turns sharply, looking at me with that oh-so-superior look of her. "You dare call me with such tone?" her eyes narrowed as she looks at me.

There she goes. "Well, we've known each other for so long. What's so wrong with calling you that? Unless you rather be called cheater. To be honest, that suits you more" gasps echo the classroom. I find Cardan leaning with his hands on the table, looking amused as to where this is going.

"Watch your mouth, Duarte! I can tell my mother any time about you!"

I bark out a laugh. Wow, younger me would be so horrified by what I'm about to do now. Yes, instead of trying to stop a fight, I end up putting myself into another fight. Why is this the only normal thing in my life? I look at Nicasia, boldly smirking at her. Her face turns red in anger.

"Relax. It's morning and no one wants any drama. Besides, your ex seems uninterested in one too"

"Just because Cardan is finally civil with you, that doesn't mean you have the right to say such things towards me!"

Nicasia approaches me, and without any warning, her hand flings in the air before landing on my cheek. I stumble backward and trip on my shoelace, falling down the stairs. Did I really just lose my balance after a slap? 

I bite my lower lip. That actually hurts. I hear gasps around me and I feel like cursing them all. Why don't they lend a hand instead of whispering and creating more drama? What amazing classmates I have here. I reach for a table with a hand while the other is pressed against my stomach.

Before I can even stand, I feel someone lifting me from the ground and I bite my lip harder to scream. Damn, that slap has such a weird power. It seems like I might have injure my own ankle. I look up and find all eyes on me. I mean, of course, but this time - they are looking at me in total incredulity.

I tilt my head slightly and finally see who's holding me. What- Cardan?! He doesn't look at me - his eyes are on Nicasia, filled with cold rage. I can taste the shift of air in his tight hold on my back. Cardan glances down at me coldly before returning his gaze on the wide-eyed Nicasia.

"You don't have to throw tantrum and hurt others just because you broke up with Locke and I rejected your offer to be my homecoming date"

More gasps. Locke and Nicasia broke up?! This is news to everyone.

Cardan doesn't let Nicasia speak as he walks out from the hall with me in his arms. I feel blush rising to my cheeks as we gain attention from literally everyone in the hallway. Cardan doesn't put me down until we reach his car. He opens the door of the backseat with one hand and slowly moves me to a lying position on the seat.

I look at him with bewildered look. "Cardan, what-"

"You're a fucking idiot, Duarte" he slams the door and moves to the driver's seat, driving us out of the campus.

Chapter Text

"Jude!"

Taryn slams the door open and runs into the room with Garrett and Vivi following from behind her. Cardan is sitting on the couch with his eyes closed - apparently annoyed with Taryn's loud voice. She stands beside me, frantically eyeing me from head to toe, checking the bandage wrapping tightly around my left leg.

Unluckily, I sprained my ankle.

I am in Cardan's apartment right now and it's been three hours of my stay. Cardan took me to a private hospital - which I assumed his family has business connection with - and demanded the receptionist at the counter to call for his personal doctor.

It was... chaotic, to say the least. Although I was in pain the whole time Cardan carried me in his arms, I really had no place to complain. There were so many people there and knowing damn well those people know who Cardan was - or at least recognize his family line - I am pretty certain there will be rumors and speculation among the upper class people. 

Worse of all, Cardan seems angry since the entire drama started. He doesn't even bother to ask if I'm okay - not that I care - or talk to me, he just pointedly ignored me which I'm sure he's done on purpose. I turn to offer a weak smile at Taryn and she slaps my arm softly and sits on the floor beside the bed.

"The last thing you would do is literally offend Nicasia, Jude. God, just what were you thinking?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Are you telling me it's my fault I fell down and sprained my ankle?"

Taryn blinks and instantly looks at me as if she's just realized what she said. "That's not what I mean. Yes, Nicasia is in fault because of that, but really. Why on earth would you ever try to offend her?"

"It was fun" I give her a cheeky smile and I feel a smack on my head.

I tilt my head upwards and find Vivi glowering. "Fun your ass, Jude. If I were there, I will just leave you to go to the clinic yourself"

I know Vivi doesn't mean what she said, but I pout anyway. It is still offensive even if it is a harsh joke. I glance and see Cardan and Garrett sharing quiet conversation with each other. Huh? Since when are they close with each other? 

Taryn has brought me some food to eat - chocolate and donuts mostly. All of them leave the room with Cardan who seems so eager to be rid of me at any moment. I doubt he will actually hesitate to jump out of his balcony just to not look at me. I roll my eyes - I will be glad.

As I take a bite from my second donut, I try to process everything that's happened for the last few days. That night with Cardan, the entire weekend with my parents and today. Obviously, this is his way of showing goodwill, but somehow he's dehumanizing kindness by being so unbelievably cold.

Cardan... he's never really a cold person - he seems like a bright sun beside Valerian despite the other having hair as sun. Okay, but that's not the point. Cardan is not cold, he is friendly and playful, to say the least. Even to me - but with purpose to annoy and anger me.

So, this entire side is new to me. Or, he's just probably angry at Nicasia for causing a drama.

Well, there is no reason to call me a fucking idiot, doesn't it? I sigh into my palm and shake my head, focusing on my meal. Cardan's demeanor is more difficult than anything one can possibly decipher. I look at the clock in the room, realizing it's half past three.

It's just sprained ankle, I shouldn't be staying on bed for too long.

I put my food on the small table beside the bed and push myself with my hands, putting one foot slowly on the floor. I slowly move the other one - the bandaged one - and flinch slightly as I feel the pain. I try to not use the leg so much as I lean on the wall, making my way towards the door.

A room in an apartment should never be this spacious.

I smile triumphantly as I manage to twist the doorknob. I walk out, still leaning on the wall and try my best to completely ignore the pain in my leg. It shouldn't be this painful - we've done the x-ray and the doctor said it's literally sprained ankle. This certainly isn't my first time spraining any of my body parts, so why does it hurt so much?

I barely make it to the end of the hallway before I feel myself being carried. I look up and find Cardan glaring down at me, looking completely furious. "I have already known you as an idiot, but I don't expect you to be this idiotic" he hisses and I feel like every word that comes out from his mouth is a venom.

Cardan takes me back to his bedroom and slowly drops me on the bed before turning to check the meds the doctor provided on his desk. I stare at his back, realizing that he is so tense the entire day. "Any reason to this unreasonable anger of yours?"

Cardan glares warningly. "Nic is being a bitch, Dain fucking with my head, some blasted stupid nightmares and your idiocy. Thank you for asking" even with that cold rage, his tone is still dripping with sarcasm. I really can't understand his personality almost all the time.

Selective kindness?

"Duarte" he says in a clipped tone, still studying the papers scattering all over his desk. "I have already so many things to deal with, and you and Nicasia has to fuck with my head this morning. Do you really expect me to not be angry?"

I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow. "I was just trying to stop Nicasia from causing any drama. I didn't expect her to really be triggered with my words"

Cardan sighs and finally turns to look at me. He doesn't meet me in my eyes, but I can see a brief flicker of concern in his eyes as he looks at the bandage wrapping around my foot. I roll my eyes - as if that was real. Cardan pulls his chair and sits while reading something with a frown.

"Nic has been a complete bitch since she found out we're working together. And of course, her breakup with Locke doesn't make any good"

"Why did they break up?" I ask, genuinely curious with this newfound fact. Cardan raises an eyebrow.

"He cheated on her. Locke- he never really takes feelings too seriously. I'm not surprised if he actually has more girls behind Nicasia during their relationship"

I don't know if I'm going to sound rude, but the question slips out anyway. "Did you- err- comfort her? I mean, you guys are still friends, right?"

Cardan doesn't say anything for a few seconds. I can see the hesitation in his tensed expression. "It's- I did comfort her, but I think she fell for him while still being with me, so yeah, the thought made me slightly bitter. As for the boys, Locke and I still have a line that we are not crossing and I prefer it that way. Val- you know how he is. Violent. I- hate it"

"And you're still friends?" I look at him.

"We grew up together"

Understandable. I mean, if I were to be put in a situation of being alone or staying friends with a bunch of jerks I've known since I was a baby, I will definitely stay with them too. Not that I have too much friends to even begin with. I look up at Cardan who now has his back facing me, reading some papers on his study.

"Why did you help me?"

"Isn't a thank you enough? What's with the question?"

"Just wanna ask" I say, more to mumbling to myself instead of answering Cardan's question.

I can feel his glare on me and instantly regret what I said. This mouth really can't keep itself shut at the most important times. Today is already bad, with last night's nightmare - that's so fucking disgusting - and Nicasia pushing me down the stairs. And then, this unfortunate moment of spraining my ankle.

Dealing with an angry Cardan is not something I want on a horrible day.

Cardan stands up and approaches me with a menacing smile. Fuck my life.

Fuck. My. Life.

"You wanna know why? Well, I don't fucking know! I should be angry at you for trying to mess up with Nic because obviously she is my friend, no matter how bitchy she gets! But, when I saw you fell down that stairs, all I can think about was screaming at Nicasia for hurting you! I don't fucking know why I'm helping you, Duarte! So just thank me and we can pretend like nothing ever happened!"

Cardan's face comes closer, leaving only a few inches between us. My face pales visibly, and I have to lean against the headboard to maintain the little distance between us. Cardan hisses and jerks back, throwing himself back to the leather chair he is sitting on. 

I watch him in silence, observing every little movement he is making. As I said earlier, Cardan is scarily tense for the entire day. Yes, I've seen him getting pissed off because of the smallest thing one could ever name, but I have never seen him this tense. He is noisy, and noisier when something pisses him off at classes.

But now, he seems guarded, cold and silent.

I roll my eyes. God forbids Cardan to be interesting.

"Thanks- for helping" I say, insincerely. I am not even sure if my gratitude can ease that anger of his.

Cardan sighs. "Just say what you want, Duarte. That's unnecessary"

He catches me. I grip the blanket and hesitantly meet his eyes. "What's bothering you?" I say, trying to choose the perfect words. "I mean, obviously my entire existence is bothering you. But, you never shut up about it. But, this? You're angry and quiet. And, from what I can remember, you're not quiet when you're angry"

Cardan looks at me, as if studying me to see if my question harbor any bad intentions. He doesn't say anything as he drags his gaze back to the paper on his hand, before sighing hard. He hands the paper over to me, and although I want to say I don't want to read it, I take it anyways.

I look at the paper - the document in my hands. Greenbriar Apparel & Clothing Co. : 2022 Fall Fashion Project

I flip to the second page. The list of people involved in the project.

CEO: Eldred Greenbriar
COO: Dain Stephen Greenbriar
Fashion Editor: Annet Anastasia Desvien
Co. Fashion Editor: Rath Roiben

Needless to say, the list of people involved in the project goes on and on and on and my eyes stop at one name.

Project Manager: Cardan Kai Greenbriar

"You're involved?" I ask with a curious tone.

Cardan glares at me. "Dain came here last night and handed me this. This is a fucking bullshit. He is fucking with my head. I already have a class project to be done, and he has the audacity to put me as a manager for one of the biggest projects in that fucking company? I told him I'm not planning to be part of that company"

"You mean, your family's company"

Cardan scowls. "Yes. But, whatever the fuck is going on, Dain is doing this on purpose. He's trying to piss me off"

"You and Dain are not in good terms?" I ask. Again, out of curiosity. It's not like I know everything about Cardan's background. We are not even friends to begin with.

Cardan smirks. "Well, he's never been one to like it when Father gives others more attention. Obviously, I'm the main target as I'm the youngest. Dain-" Cardan is quiet for a few seconds before he meets my eyes again. "is the star child. He can be a scientist if it weren't for his desire to get to my father's position. Dain loves to think he is the best considering that his mother, Taniot is the my father's first wife. He absolutely abhors my mother, and he hates Balekin and me. I can't really guess if he actually hates Elowyn, but if my father ever decided to give the company to El, he might riot"

"He's that horrible?"

The expression on Cardan's face shows enough amount of sarcasm I need for the day. "Oh, he's the perfect son. I offend him, he beats me. The best part is, Father never finds out. What a sweet brother thing we have for each other" 

"Sarcasm works best when you are trying to be playful, Cardan"

Cardan doesn't say anything afterwards and snatches the document away from my hand. I watch him walk out from the room, leaving me all alone again. I take my phone and texts Vivi - it seems like Cardan doesn't want me to walk by my own - to ask her when we're leaving, but she seems to want to stay for a little longer.

I look at the photo frames on the glass shelf besides Cardan's study. Most of them are pictures of him and his friends in high school. There is also a picture of our high school reunion and I was standing beside him with a scowl - he was wearing an identical one too. We were the class representatives in senior year so that was the only reason why I was standing next to him.

And there was a picture of very young Cardan with his entire siblings, wearing the identical Mickey and Minnie headbands. I push myself and walk towards the shelf, ignoring the pain in my ankle. There is a little note at the end of the picture - June 2006. A five year old Cardan is standing in the center with a big, naive smile while holding an ice cream.

Rhyia and Caelia, who were both seven and 10 at the time are standing beside him while hugging their toys. 15 year old Elowyn stood behind Cardan with a bright smile - her hair as dark as both Cardan and Balekin. And then, Dain and Balekin, who were both 14 and 17 at the time were on each sides of Elowyn, putting on the fakest smiles I've ever seen.

At least, Dain's.

Even in the picture, it was obvious that Dain hates Cardan ever since he was a child. God, they should never be jealous of each other - they come from the same family, after all. I mean, different mothers, but still the same upbringing. Obviously, Cardan is a complete bastard, but he seems to be getting along with all his siblings. Even with Balekin who I heard is so strict when it comes to work and responsibility.

My eyes travel to the second level of the shelf and gasps when I see a familiar picture. What- how did he get that picture? I shake my head and go back to the bed, turning myself completely against the shelf. Maybe the pain in my leg is confusing me. That's the only logical reason here.

I don't know how long I am in Cardan's house, but it seems like I fall asleep while waiting for Vivi and Taryn to finish whatever business they have downstairs.

"Cardan, thanks for helping Jude. Honestly, she only knows how to get herself in trouble" Vivi chuckles as we wait for the elevator to reach the basement carpark.

I feel like cursing everyone right now. Honestly, the injury isn't even that bad but both Taryn and Vivi refuse to let me walk on my own with the crutch. Taryn has an evil smile on her face as she takes my crutch away, resulting in this awkward and embarrassing position of Cardan carrying me for the entire time.

I look at Garrett, asking for help but he just smiles. Wonderful, they are all practically bastards at this point.

I break out from my trance when I hear Cardan's laugh at Vivi's words. "Well, this really isn't a problem. I just have to deal with Nic tomorrow. It's not Jude's fault, after all"

"Well, if she learns how to stop putting herself in trouble, then I might agree with your words" Vivi rolls her eyes.

"Vivienne Louise Duarte!"

We don't talk until we reach for the car. Vivi and Garrett walk together to the front seats while Taryn assists Cardan to open the backseat door and helps me to sit in the car. I scowl as I look at him, and he returns it with an equal look of displeasure. Taryn claps her hand, looking at both of us.

"Well, so many things have happened, and we haven't started on our project yet. We might need to postpone this week's meeting"

I gnaw at my lower lip. Of course, it is only going to be postponed because of my injury. I look at Taryn. "Taryn, this will probably fade in two days. We can still go to Cardan's house on Friday"

"Probably, Jude. We don't know" Taryn stares at me sharply.

Cardan seems silent for a while and suddenly reaches his hand out to hold mine. I blink my eyes but don't say anything. Taryn eyes our intertwined fingers suspiciously. I watch Cardan tilt his head up to look at Taryn. "If Jude's still not good on Friday, I'll come to your house. I mean, only if you're comfortable. You're the leader, you can reschedule and inform us later" he squeezes my hand, and I can feel my cheeks burning red.

"Oh. Okay, we'll be going now. Thanks for helping Jude, Cardan" Taryn says and walks to the other door and hops into the car.

Cardan releases my hand and helps to close the door, looking at me with guarded expression. I raise a hand and wave awkwardly, catching the sight of his mouth quirking a little smile as he waves back at me. Vivi drives out of the carpark and I lean back, inhaling a deep breath.

I turn my head and find Taryn's eyes narrowed at me. Oh. Fuck.

"What was that?" Taryn asks, her voice has shifted into something detective like that can be amusing at times - but so annoying for me.

"What- what?" I ask, cursing myself mentally. I really am terrible at deceiving people. Especially, when it is so obvious that my cheeks are the color of ripe tomatoes.

Taryn raises an eyebrow. "Cardan was holding your hand when I was talking to both of you"

"He- he did?" Fuck, that's not correct. "It was nothing" I avert my gaze to the window, staring at the roadside.

"Just answer the question, okay? What was all that about? Cardan knew I was pissed off about your injury and he was holding your hand. He is defending you, Jude"

I sigh and turn to look at Taryn. There really isn't any way to get out of this. Not that Vivi and Garrett - who are obviously listening - offering to help me to get out of this situation. My fingers fiddle with the ring on my necklace and when I glance at Taryn, I catch her expression. Oh shit, she doesn't know about the ring.

Just how fucked up can today be, Jude?

"Well, isn't this something?" Taryn crosses her arms, not taking her eyes off me. It terrifies me how we are identical to each other but are so different. "He was surprisingly respectful during our meeting. He didn't seem to object it when I said you're allergic to dust and all that. And then I found out he came Friday night to send you his notes when he can just email you with an excuse he doesn't have your email address. And then, he took you to hospital instead of sending you home just because you sprained your ankle and now, his ring? Don't tell me this is nothing, Jude"

I unclasp the necklace and put it in my pocket. Suddenly, it feels so illegal to wear necklaces in front of my family. I should have returned the ring to Cardan today, but alas, here I am. That bastard - why didn't he even ask about it when he can clearly see me carrying it everywhere? When that ring is clearly hanging on my neck the entire day?

"Well, it is something, but I don't know what it is. I am in the dark as well as you are. No one understands Cardan, Taryn"

"Notice how he calls you Duarte the whole day just because he's angry with you? I wonder why is that"

I roll my eyes. Ah shit, here we go again. "Try to read more into things? Lame girl moves, Taryn"

"He held your hand!" 

"We've kissed! What is so weird about us holding hands? He practically carried me the entire time when I can actually walk, so why is it weird when he held my hand?" all those physical contacts are completely illogical and unnecessary, but this is the only way to stop Taryn from bitching around into everyone else's business. I might sound like I'm keeping a secret from my sisters, but there really isn't any secret as to why he did those little things.

Like I said, I am in the complete dark. Cardan seems more unpredictable day by day and I hate it. I hate him.

God, why does that sound so wrong?

Taryn doesn't say anything afterwards - obviously defeated - and I thank all the deities I can remember the name of while I lean back to think about everything. Cardan and I kissed - twice. This doesn't count the snogging session in my dream - a nightmare, obviously. And, none of this makes sense because we have nothing. There is something between us - like a string holding each other, but in the middle of it is a knot that limits us from crossing it - but we are nothing to each other.

Mutual enemies? It hardly seems like that anymore.

Friends? We are not one to begin with.

Partners? Which kind? There are various type to list down.

Civil is the only thing I can say which is accurate about us. Civil, but still hate each other. No, I don't even see the point of my words, at this point. It is so obviously pointless and useless to think about Cardan and his crazy unpredictability. It can only cause me headache and I absolutely hate it.

So, why is he in my head all the time, then?

Chapter Text

"Are you and Greenbriar in a relationship?"

Eddie's question causes me to spit my coffee, coughing badly until several other customers are looking at us. I smile awkwardly at them and turn back to look at Eddie. He is wearing the face he usually uses when he wants to ask me a question regarding Fierch's lecture. I take out a tissue and wipe my mouth, pushing my coffee cup away.

Thank God I buy the iced coffee.

Eddie and I - we sort of start to become friends since the day after the day. You know, the day after the day I punched Cardan motherfucking Greenbriar square in his fucking jaw? Yeah, Eddie and I started talking since that day and I find myself comfortable with his presence.

His friends hate the idea of him being friends with me, of course.

I scowl. "What the hell, Ed?"

"Well, that was quite a scene on Monday. He seemed to care about you"

"And-" I raise an eyebrow, "your point is?"

"Well, I am merely curious. Besides, I know you've never dated anyone. So it is only the best to assume you're dating now- even if it is Greenbriar"

There is too much disdain in the way Eddie speaks about Cardan. I wonder if they actually have something against each other. Eddie is not from my school, so obviously he's only known Cardan in university. Unless, they might have known each other outside the school. It is possible, but what's that got to do with Eddie's dislike towards Cardan?

"You seem to know Cardan very well. But, you didn't go to our school" I say, looking at his foolscap paper.

Eddie sighs. "Cardan is a Greenbriar. My family, MacMillan - there's always a bad blood between us and his family. Schoolyard fights, business. It can be anything. Cardan and Dain are probably the biggest bastards I've ever set eyes on"

"Business rivals, I take?"

Eddie nods. He doesn't seem to elaborate more on what's that got to do with his dislike towards Cardan. Obviously, one doesn't have to know him since birth just to know how much of a piece of shit he is. But obviously, it's not my business to care about the blood feud between both families.

Except one. I want to know more about Dain.

"Dain"

Eddie turns his head sharply. "What about Dain?"

I gnaw at my lower lip, hesitating to state my true intention. Eddie - a MacMillan - surely has realized by now about Cardan's involvement in that fall project his family's company is planning. Surely, Eddie is aware of Dain's intention of setting Cardan up despite knowing very well the guy's not even finished studies yet.

"I'm assuming you know about the Fall project. Cardan is involved in it and he told me Dain put him up"

"Dain- what? And here I thought he's not gonna get any worse" Eddie sighs and runs his fingers through his hair.

I remain silent, waiting for Eddie to continue his words. It seems like he's trying to choose which words will probably be the best to explain everything to me. Eddie sighs again, looking away with his expression completely guarded. 

"Dain is a complete shit. You would have thought he might be a good person, with how perfect he looks. But, all the Greenbriar boys are shit, and Dain is the absolute worst. I've been into the family's business since I was a teenager and meeting Dain was almost like an obligation - and of course, he has to look down at me all the time just because my family's business is not as big as his. Cardan is horrible, but those are merely him being offended by the smallest comments, not things that involve the company"

"Dain has said so many horrible things to me and my family and he's obviously so obsessed with his hope to be the CEO. Absurd, as if he can be selected as one. It's not like I haven't heard the rumor of Mr Greenbriar decision to give Cardan the company"

I almost laugh at his last words. Cardan? His father wants to give the company to him despite knowing damn well Cardan doesn't want anything to do with his family's business? He hardly has any choices now with Dain setting him up for the Fall project. 

I tilt my head slightly and find Locke and Valerian at the cafeteria's double doors, pushing each other as if they were arguing about something absolutely childish. I roll my eyes when Valerian glares dagger at me. Really, I do not have time for silly fights.

Especially when my ankle is still wrapped and I still need to use crutch to walk without others help. 

Eddie's phone rings and he dismisses himself to answer the call. It seems like something urgent and annoying when I catch him scowling upon talking to the other person on his phone. I look down at the sketches of new designs for mine and Taryn's dresses, feeling frustrated all over again.

The party will be held a week after finals - which clearly means four months from now. I have less than two months to complete the final project and another two months to prepare for exams and the dresses. If I have to go through mine and Taryn's savings, I doubt they will be enough for us to buy fabrics and accessories for our dresses. 

And, that is what happened when you want an extravagant party dress but less expensive. 

No. If I really think about it again, the money spent on fabrics and accessories and other things are probably gonna cost the same price like the cheapest dresses in Nicasia's mother's boutique - which also means, they are all expensive, but not in the eyes of people who afford to buy dresses there.

Good, maybe I can ask help from Vivi or Liliver.

"Duarte!" I lift my chin up and find Locke and Valerian in front of me. Locke is showing every bit of displeasure he can express upon seeing me and the look on Valerian's face sounds as if he is one step away of stabbing a kitchen knife through my hand. I shake the image off from my head.

"What do you want?" I ask harshly.

Valerian tosses a container on the table, and I stare at it curiously and suspiciously. "What is this?"

"Cardan told us that Rhyia wanted to give you her cupcakes" Locke says, instantly receiving a smack in the head by Valerian. 

"What the fuck?"

"He didn't say anything about Rhyia! Cardan wanted to give-"

"Shut the fuck up, you little shit! Rhyia wanted to give you her cupcakes. Yeah, that's it"

I watch them hastily leave the cafeteria, still bickering like old married couple. The duo are either pranking others or bickering with each other. I look down at the container, eyeing it carefully before opening the lid. Who knows Cardan might want to poison me with his sister's cupcake?

Instead of discovering poisoned cupcakes, I find a strawberry coated donut with rainbow sprinkles and vanilla spray on it. My - my favorite donut flavor. Cardan hasn't spoken to me since Monday - if you can call yelling at me as equivalent to talking to me - so it really is confusing that he sent me this.

First of all, why did he ask Locke and Valerian out of all people to give me this donut? I mean, he knows the two will try to crawl under my skin - which surprises me when they left without snarky comments. Number two, why didn't Cardan just send it himself? After that little heroic stunt he pulled on Monday, and so suddenly I am invisible to him? I am really offended. 

Number three, why this donut out of all other tasty ones out there? Surely, someone like him will probably favor something weird like mocha coated donut with peanut sprinkles - I mean, if that flavor ever existed. Finally, why am I assuming that he knows what my favorite donut is?

Oh wait. It's not like he bought this for me. Rhyia wanted to give me this, right? Yes, I told her I like this flavor. I laugh at my stupidity. Why am I looking into things way too deep?

I spend the last ten minutes of my break with eating the donut before leaving for another boring class with Professor Ivan.

This. Is. Awkward.

We are in Taryn's and my bedroom - we, as in, Taryn, Cardan and I - and the whole thing is extremely awkward between us. Especially between me and Cardan. Taryn seems almost annoyed with the atmosphere that she clears her throat for a couple of time just to make sure we all give cooperation for this project.

"Cardan, are you sure we don't have to discuss this at the backyard? You seem very uncomfortable" Taryn asks Cardan while I keep my eyes on my iPad to find inspiration on Pinterest.

He must've hit his head on the curved ceiling when I feel a shift of weight on Taryn's bed. 

"Yeah, this will do for tonight"

No, it won't do. Cardan is completely uncomfortable and although I am not looking at him, I can feel it. He isn't not comfortable because he's in girls bedroom, but it's more like his height is causing him the disadvantage. 

Ever since he entered the room, he has no room to straighten his spine. I mean, if it weren't for his absurd height, it would not cause him that much trouble. I swear he grows at least 0.1 inch everyday because he seems to get taller and taller. I don't doubt if he actually is now taller than both his brothers. 

Taryn's phone rings. She smiles at us and leaves the room to answer the call. I sigh. What a good timing to be alone with Cardan. 

Cardan ducks his head lower, causing me to worry if he actually is going to break his spine.

"Cardan, the ceiling's not that low"

"That's because you're short" he says grumpily, clearly not in the mood to mess around. Either it's because of the project or because of his sitting position.

But, I am still offended. "Five-eight is not short, Cardan"

"I'm six-six" he says, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

I open my mouth to speak but shut it again before I can even embarrass myself. Six-six? I probably can't reach his chin at all now. No wonder Nicasia seems way too small beside her friends. She is short, that is one thing. But the boys are tall, and Cardan just seem to never stop growing.

Why is Cardan's height suddenly a big problem in my life?!

I really shouldn't be bothered.

I roll my eyes at the playful smirk he is showing as he realizes he wins the round of bickering. I look back at my iPad, trying to refocus on whatever I was scrolling on Pinterest just now. Right, Cardan might not be a menace or an absolute jackass for now, but there are still so many reasons to hate him. He is- predictably unpredictable.

Yes, I know how nonsensical that sounds, but can you really blame me? His switch of demeanor is confusing everyone - even his friends are confused with his behaviors. I am not going to talk about the whole Cardan-Nicasia-Locke triangle thing, but to be really honest, his consistent switch of demeanor has something to do with that.

It seems as if he is guarding himself from falling down into the deep end. 

I drop my iPad to my knee, sighing heavily. Why the fuck am I trying to study Cardan's behaviors again? It will be better just to pretend like we're civil.

Maybe we actually are.

"If your height is a complete disadvantage, why don't you just sit on the floor?" I turn my head sharply, studying the focused expression on Cardan's face.

He scowls, completely irritated by my question. "That is far beneath my dignity, Jude"

I scoff. "The fucking floor, Cardan. As if you have dignity" I murmur the last parts but it seems like Cardan heard me when I find him looking at me with a confused expression. The silence between us didn't last too long when Cardan sighs as he puts down his clipboard.

"You and Taryn are both wearing skirts. I can't sit on the floor because it is far beneath my dignity, Duarte" Cardan turns his head away from me and returns his focus on whatever he is scribbling on the test pad on the clipboard just now.

I feel heat rising to my cheeks. Right, that was very foolish of me to ask. I gnaw at my lower lip and I glance at Cardan, I catch sight of faint blush creeping onto the fair skin of his neck and the tip of his ears - obviously pierced with golds and silvers - as if he is also experiencing embarrassment from his words.

I stare at the skirt I'm currently wearing. It's - a miniskirt, to say the best. A black one. I slowly pull Taryn's jacket on her pillow and cover my legs with them, feeling embarrassment creeping in even further when I realize I have never revealed way too much skin in front of Cardan - or anyone besides my family, in general.

Where the fuck is Taryn?

"Let's say the budget is about-"

"Are you going to discuss the budget now? Taryn's not here" I snap. 

Cardan raises an eyebrow. "There are two parts of this project, Jude. The fashion part, and the architecture part. Which I believe is our part" Cardan bends slightly to hand me his clipboard. I take it hesitantly from him and study his messy notes - messy, but understandable. I look back at him and realize our faces are way too close.

It seems like Cardan isn't aware of our proximity as he clears his throat to begin explaining. "The budget for the building is the biggest, although it doesn't make much difference compared to the clothes. About $650 for the entire thing, if - we're choosing high-end stores. But, hey, you're an art person. Suggest me some cheap thrift and art stores and things can be reduced to quarter" Cardan smiles as he writes something on the paper.

Thrift and cheap art stores ;) is playfully written as a mock suggestion with his elegant scrawl. I hate how perfect he is at everything he does.

I freeze completely despite my brain and other organs in my system working like crazy. Cardan is way too close - I can smell the his peppermint toothpaste. I can tell he is wearing his favorite perfume - oakmoss and cedar strongly invade my nostrils and I have no place to move or complain. 

If he moves closer, our skin might touch and I do not want that. "Cardan" I whisper, realizing how rapid my breathing is.

Cardan raises an eyebrow but still not look my way. He is typing something on his iPad, still in the same position. "What?"

"You're too close. I- Can you move away a little bit?"

As if realizing the proximity between us, Cardan jerks abruptly and ends up hitting the small loft containing Taryn's books. As if hitting his head on the wooden loft is not painful enough, the stack of books waver before falling to hit his face. Cardan ends up lying on Taryn's mattress, groaning in pain.

I purse my lips together, resisting the urge to laugh. Cardan rubs his nose and forehead before turning his head sharply to look at me. "Shut the fuck up, Duarte. If you aren't going to help, then look away and continue your work"

"It's funny" I shrug and chuckle.

Cardan frowns at me as he moves the book to the edge of the bed, rubbing his head. That does look painful. "What's funny?"

"Oh, quit being dramatic. You can't really blame me to think seeing you hit something isn't funny. I mean, you are the Cardan Greenbriar, after all"

"Haha, very funny"

Cardan rolls his eyes and takes a sit on the floor next to me. Well, at least my legs are all covered with this ridiculously big jacket of Taryn. Then I realize. This is Garrett's jacket. Speaking of Taryn, why is she taking so long? I shake my head, refusing to let myself think too much of any possibilities of Taryn catching herself in stupid situations.

"I can suggest you small stores where I buy stuff. But, maybe weekends? I'll try to take Taryn with us, too" I say, mentally checking my schedule to see if this arrangement is going to interrupt my other assignments and arrangements. Cardan turns to look at me.

"Taryn doesn't have to be involved for the building"

"Of course, she does! She's the leader"

"Nope, it's a waste of time. We can discuss with her about the other half. The art store trip can work with only the two of us"

I roll my eyes. Is he annoying me purposefully just to piss me off? "Cardan, Taryn's our leader. We need to work-"

The door swings open and Taryn shows up with a bright smile. Cool, about time she shows up instead of leaving us in this mess of awkward interaction between two fully grown adults - yes, one of them is trapped in the mind of a toddler. You know who I mean, so I really appreciate it if we can just skip this part.

Taryn sits on the floor and takes her notebook, begins writing down her idea for reports and clothes designs. Cardan and I look at each other briefly before I hiss and turn my direction at Taryn. "Where did you go? Why did you take so long?"

Taryn smiles as she looks up at me. "Vivi asks me to buy some chicken. Late night cravings, I think"

"Man, she's acting like she's pregnant" I sigh. 

"So, what were you two on about?" Taryn claps her hands, switching into her leader mode in a swift.

"Right, how about all of us go-"

"Jude and I will go to the thrift or cheap art stores tomorrow. To buy some stuff for our Medieval building" Cardan cuts me off, and I glare at him.

"Will you stop calling them cheap? They are affordable, not cheap. And also, we all are going together. Not only me and Cardan"

"Sounds cheap to me" Cardan mumbles under his breath and I pinch his arm. He jerks away from me, scowling as he rubs the spot where I pinched him hard. Serve him right.

For an entire minute, Taryn doesn't speak nor does she is paying attention to either of us. I know that face she is making. People might mistake her for not paying attention, but I know fucking well she is thinking of something deeply to put me in a state just to annoy the shit out of me. 

Taryn tilts her head to look at us, still isn't speaking. I am uncertain if a quiet Taryn is better than a loud Taryn - both are horrible, actually. Thank God, I love my sister. Taryn drums her fingers on the floorboard as she stares at us. And right that instant, I know there is nothing good to come out from her mouth. At least, on my part.

Taryn brushes the air impatiently. "Right. You both can go tomorrow. I need to meet with Liliver to settle some works"

"Taryn!" I roll my eyes and glare at her. Taryn impishly grins at me. Well, if it isn't the smile of a schemer herself.

"I win" Cardan smirks at me. I punch his arm and scowl, not even attempting to hide the displeasure of having to work with him only.

We finish the discussion at quarter before one. Taryn pushes me out of the room to accompany Cardan out and I have to bite my tongue from hurling curses her way and force myself down the stairs to send Cardan to whatever expensive automobile he decides to drive here tonight. 

I cross my arms as we make our way to the front door, refusing to make any conversation with Cardan. He seems unbothered to start any with me either. We reach the front yard, and a sense of deja vu comes across me. Just like the other night. My fingers instantly fiddle with the ring on my necklace.

Cardan shoves his hands into both pockets before turning to face me. His eyes study me carefully and stop abruptly at where my fingers are. He clears his throat and smiles, and I feel a rush of heat creeping into my cheeks. Great, this is the time for me to return his ring.

"See you tomorrow, Duarte"

"Wait" I say, reaching out to him. Cardan stares at my extended hand and I quickly pull it back, looking away in embarrassment. "Your ring"

"Keep it" 

"Why?" I ask, genuinely.

"Must I tell you reasons to everything I do?"

"It's your family heirloom, Greenbriar. Of course I need to know whatever reason you have"

Cardan laughs softly and takes both hands out of pockets, one hand reaching out to brush the hair falling down to cover my face. I feel air stuck in my lungs, but I'm unsure if moving away from his touch is a a good decision. Besides, the cold wind tonight really makes me want to feel some warmth.

And- Cardan is undeniably warm. He watches me carefully, as if he is studying something so dear and special to him. The look in his eyes is indecipherable - it is almost incredulous to think he can actually look at someone that way. As if - as if I am special to him.

I don't know what is going on, but I lean into his touch, yearning for more. I step closer, allowing myself to let my guard down even for a little while. Cardan's fingertips caress my ears, trailing down my jaw before tilting my head up by placing his index finger under my chin. I inhale the sharp scent of his perfume, and press my lips together.

Being five-eight is seen as a complete high school girl if one were to stand beside a six-six Cardan Greenbriar. I realize how short I am beside him and it annoys me so much. I can't even reach his chin. I look up at him and find his eyes - the beautiful ebony eyes - still studying me.

"Remember what I said that time when I kissed you in the hall?"

"You want me to oversmart myself"

"That was it. And, it seems you still haven't figured it out, my darling Jude"

I feel something erupting inside me at the term of endearment he uses on me. "Figure what out?"

Cardan pulls his hand away and shrugs, turning to head to his car. As soon as he reaches his car, he turns to look and wave with a crooked smile. "Goodnight, Duarte"

Chapter Text

10. 00 a.m.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and sigh. This won't do. I have been choosing clothes for the last two hours and none of them fits what I want for today. Should I just steal one of Taryn's white skirt and sweater? That seems better - but honestly, who the fuck wear sweaters during summer?

I discard the black top and white jeans I'm currently wearing and walk straight to my wardrobe in nothing but bra and knickers. God, let me just have one day of ease to pick my outfits. For heaven's sake, I'm going to a thrift store that I went on daily basis back in high school. Why is it so hard to pick an outfit?

I push all the other shirts, sweaters, tank tops and blouses and dresses away until I catch sight of a crop top. I pick the top and study the patterns. I don't remember buying this one. This is probably one of Taryn's SHEIN purchases that she either bought for me or she put it in my wardrobe because she doesn't like it.

It is a plaid crop top with spaghetti straps and it is blue - my favorite color. I pick a white skirt from my drawer and put it on, realizing this will be enough for today's look. Huh, that is an easy one. I should have picked these instead of the other stacks of clothes in this room - Taryn is going to kick me out of the room after this.

I let my hair down and get my tote bag and white Converse - thrifted, obviously - and walk out from the room. Taryn is at Garrett's and Vivi is probably at work. I glance at the clock and realize it's already quarter past ten. I promise to meet Cardan at the store on 10.30. Showing up late will be the last thing I will do just because I was busy choosing clothes.

And, after whatever happened last night, I have no more intention of making a complete fool out of myself. I run to the nearest bus station and wait patiently for an unoccupied cab to appear out of nowhere. As soon as I find one, I stop it with a halt of my hand and hop in, asking the male driver to drive me to the art store.

"You seem to be rushing today" the driver says. Malcolm - or at least that's what I see from his nametag.

"Yes. I have to meet with a friend at the art store. You know, finals and all"

"Elfhame student, I take?" Malcolm fixes his mirror to focus on the road.

"Yeah. Senior year"

"Well, all the best for your finals then. If I had enough money, I will no doubt be in that place"

"I got scholarship, sir" I say, more like muttering those words to myself. Five minutes pass and we arrive in front of Starbucks nearby the art store - Dazzling Artsy. I pay Malcolm and say thank you to him before rushing out to Starbucks. Surely Cardan will wait here instead of browsing through stuff without me first?

And, as I squint harder, I find Cardan sitting under one of the tall umbrellas while staring at his phone. He doesn't bring too much things - possibly just a card and his phone. Credit or debit, I don't know - you can't really tell when your teammate is living with money like a waterfall. Well, cross that. We act as partners today.

No, just WORK partners!

Cardan is wearing a black crewneck and black pants - you would think someone like him will wear more colors right? Well, you're wrong. And obviously, more earrings and rings that I can even count. What is with rich men and wearing tons of jewelleries all the time? And- wait. He wears eyeliner.

No, this is not something strange about Cardan, unless you barely know him. He's always been the one to dress extravagantly, a little flick of winged eyeliner is considered a minuscule fragment in his extra fashion choices. Even in high school, there were days he showed up with hair like a bird nest - as if he's just returned from a fight - and winged eyeliner.

And no one bothered to say anything about it. 

I shake my head vigorously and slap myself. Tell me why I am standing here, thinking about Cardan's obsession with Sephora's eyeliner instead of greeting him? Oh, and the best part, it is already 10. 35. It really isn't good to upset one person named Cardan Greenbriar on such a breezy summer morning.

"Hey" I say, pulling the seat opposite from him. Cardan removes his glasses, looking at me with a bored expression. God forbids him to look ugly even just for once.

I am expecting him to say something about my tardiness, but what he says surprises me more. "You're not wearing the necklace"

I push the urge to touch my neck away and look at Cardan. "I'm wearing a crop top. What will strangers say about some random girl wearing a Greenbriar heirloom?"

"You're not random girl. If people ever recognize me here, you're not going to be random"

"Yeah, whatever. So, are we going now?"

"Drinks first, work later. On me" Cardan smiles, waiting for me to give an answer. I sigh inaudibly, pursing my lips before looking back at him. "Pumpkin Spice Frap"

Cardan grimaces at my choice of beverage but makes his move to the counter without any other words. I roll my eyes - there is nothing wrong with Pumpkin Spice, right? People who don't like that probably just have no taste in drinks. And as expected, Cardan returns with my Pumpkin Spice and black coffee. 

Of course. What do I expect from him? He might have amazing choice in wardrobe, but that doesn't mean he has good taste in drinks. Seriously, black coffee isn't that good. It is not that special but some people - like Cardan - act like it's the best thing Starbucks can offer. 

I say nothing as Cardan hands me my Pumpkin Spice and returns to his seat, also saying nothing to me. We stay in this comfortable situation of silence for a while - honestly, I am not complaining about this. Maybe we should just start be comfortable around each other if we want those good marks and brilliant grades.

I sip my frap silently while checking my phone, reading texts of Vivi's little story in our siblings group. Vivi is - as expected - sharing stories about her boss prancing around their shop like a little princess, demanding this and that without doing her job. Taryn and I have repeatedly told her to quit and just find a proper job that lives up to her degree, but she refuses.

All because Heather is also working there.

I wonder how love really works. I mean, yes, I've seen so many people falling in love. My parents, Vivi and Heather, Taryn and Garrett, Van and Liliver, but if I have to be honest, I really don't understand how the whole thing works. It's a wonder thing - love is. 

I wonder if there is a specific way of showing how one truly loves their significant other. Vivi shows it by always being on Heather's side - no matter what time is it. Taryn and Garrett show their love by their passion in sports. Mom and Dad are obviously connected through their love for culinary - yes, they met at a culinary school. Van spoils Liliver and her family with expensive gifts while Liliver uses her talent to make so many unique creation for her boyfriend.

There really isn't a specific way to show one's love to the other. 

"We should get going" Cardan breaks the silence and pushes his chair.

I hastily turn off my phone and stand up, losing my balance as I trip on my shoelace. Cardan is quick to hold my front as an arm extended in front of me. I press my eyes shut, trying to hide the embarrassment. Why am I always embarrassing myself when it comes to him?

Cardan kneels down and helps to tie my shoelace while I just stand awkwardly while holding my drink. Teenagers and others around us are whispering, as if shocked of the mere chivalry shown by the Greenbriar heir - at least, one of them. I can't really blame them, I am also surprised.

Cardan and his unpredictability is too overwhelming for me to take.

Cardan stands up and holds my arm, his expression unguarded and his eyes are filled with concern as he looks at me. "Are you okay?" he asks softly.

I don't dare to look at him. I am certain my cheeks are flushed like a high school girl in love. No, I am not in love with Cardan Greenbriar. "Yes, thank you"

Cardan clears his throat and pulls his hand away. The guarded expression returns and I can't see his eyes anymore as he puts on his sunglasses. "Right. Just tie your shoes properly"

Cardan walks out first and I have to quicken my steps so I don't miss him. It is not that he is walking fast, but because of his height, I need three extra steps just to walk beside him. We walk down the street of people bustling in and out of shops without words. Cardan is still holding his coffee, and I am still drinking my frap.

We enter Dazzling Artsy and I quickly walk towards my favorite section of the store - the paint section. I beam at the shop owner, Mr. Li who is counting the stock of the paints on one of the shelves. I give a gesture for Cardan to wait as I approach Mr. Li.

"Hello, Mr. Li!" 

"Jude! Hey, it's been months! What are you up to, little girl?" the elderly guy smiles at me and closes his book before turning his attention back at me.

"I'm looking for some new paint for college project. You know, final year and stuff"

"Ah yes. Dear me, look at how much you've grown. Your parents must be proud of you"

"Well, I guess so. How's your wife and Zixuan doing?"

"Oh, doing good! My boy's having his third child very soon. Pretty family, he has"

I chuckle and study the new paints on the shelves. "Well, this conversation has been delightful. But I'm afraid I need to start looking for stuff. My- grumpy teammate doesn't like wasting time that much"

We exchange a couple of words in Chinese and I walk back to Cardan who is still waiting with his arms crossed in front of the shelves. I approach him and pick a paint that catches my interest, studying it closely. I can feel Cardan moving closer as if the flat tile beneath us is shifting its weight.

"You can speak Chinese"

I turn to look at him. "My mom's half Chinese. Eva Cai"

"Any other languages?" Cardan leans against the shelf, looking at me with a crooked smile.

"French and a bit of Dutch. You?"

"French, Dutch, Chinese, a few dialects, I think. And- Tamil" Cardan smiles.

"Tamil?" I know most rich kids are good in French and some other European languages - add a little Asian languages and the dialects, but I don't know any of the rich white kids that can read or speak Tamil. That's- an interesting fact to know about someone who I've known for such a long time.

Cardan tilts his head slightly, taking the acrylic paint away from my hand. "My mom's Desi. She taught me and Elowyn mostly. Balekin and the rest can speak basics"

Oh, now that he mentions it, I can see where did he get his unique eyes from. Cardan pointedly looks away from me as we resume to the task on hand.

We divide tasks. I pick the paint while Cardan chooses some random things we can use as decorations for our model. While we're at this, I should go to the fabrics store to buy some fabrics for mine and Taryn's homecoming dresses. Surely Cardan won't mind as it's not like he's the one purchasing my fabrics.

We exchange opinions on the theme and color shades we should use to paint, but there is nothing more. Cardan continues with his task, while I continue with mine.  I wander off to the other section to find anything useful - or to waste money on more art stuff for my own benefits. Ridiculous as it may sound, I like spending money on paints just like how Taryn likes to spend money on clothes - knowing damn well we're both going to weep later because we're broke.

I scurry around, looking for ochre paint, but still couldn't find any. I've checked both yellow and brown sections multiple times and still find none. Where the hell did they put the paint? Just as I look up, I spot it on a shelf above me. Which. Requires me. To stand. On my. Fucking Toes.

I can't let Cardan see me trying to reach for something out of my reach after he called me short last night. He will do it over and over again.

I obviously feel offended when someone calls me short. Maybe it's because no one has.

Checking my surrounding for a couple of time, just to make sure Cardan is not in the same section. He can wander off to any parts of this store, as long as he is not in the same section as mine. My fingers reach out to the paints, jumping slightly so I do not have to balance myself on my toes.

Not that it makes things easier for me.

There is no stool or little plastic chair for me to step on. Mr. Li is probably upstairs - managing the bills and other things a store owner is supposed to do, so I can't really ask for his help. And, I don't really like that Marc the cashier - yeah, something happened when I was sixteen and he was lucky I didn't report him to the authority.

Right, I am just going to do this very quick. I drop the basket on the floor and reach a hand out, slowly - very slowly - balancing myself on my toes as I try to reach for the paint. This surely isn't that hard, right? I stick my tongue out, thinking it will help me to increase balance on my body. 

Come on, it is not that hard. I reach higher, cursing the shelves. I swear this thing becomes taller every time I reach up. I am just going to get this quickly and go find Cardan to finish this work. A little bit more... toes, please be strong, I promise I will massage you at home... GOT IT!

"Shit!" I trip on my shoelace again and close my eyes, readying myself to succumb into the pain and shame. I'm falling. I'm falling- or maybe I am not.  Why am I not falling face first on the floor yet? My eyelids flutter open slowly, and as soon as I catch sight of the thing that is blocking me from falling - wait, that feels like blaming them for my safety - I let out a scream.

Cardan is holding me by my shoulders, staring down at me with guarded eyes. A hand reach out to close my mouth - preventing me from attracting others - as he assists me to regain my balance. Cardan eases his grip and removes the hand on my mouth, his eyes dark with fury. I touch my arm, staring at my - well, damaged shoelaces.

Cardan flicks my forehead and I glare at him. "Ouch! What was that for?"

His expression is still indecipherable. "For being an idiot" he hisses, looking straight at me. "Why the fuck were you screaming?"

"Maybe if you didn't grip me so tightly, I can save my voice. It was a reflex"

"And yet you still can't walk properly on two feet" Cardan smirks, staring down at my Converse. "We still have things to do. I don't think you can balance on those shoes" his index fingers are now pointing at my shoes, looking with every amount of distaste one could show on their faces. 

"It's not like we're going to spend a day together" I mumble, but Cardan hears me and immediately scowls.

Cardan picks up our basket and pulls me to the counter. I try to run away from his grip to get back to the ochre paint, but when I see the paint already sitting in the basket - despite being a complete problem for me - I keep my mouth shut. Right, perhaps pissing Cardan off even more is not something correct or proper at all. Not when we're working together.

Marc the cashier puts all our purchases in a paper bag and Cardan takes out his card, swiping it carelessly to pay the bills. Cardan doesn't waste any time as he takes me out of the store, ignoring literally everyone who walk past us while whispering about our fingers intertwined together. 

We stop in front of his black Jaguar and Cardan instantly lets go of my hand without any sneer or offensive remarks. 

"What are we-"

"Wear this" Cardan takes out a pair of sneakers. Versace sneakers.

"There's no need-"

"The next time you fall because of that stupid ugly thrifted Converse, I'm not going to offer you any help, Duarte" Cardan's voice is clipped. He's not joking around. I hesitantly take the sneakers and observe the design very, very carefully - fretting over the possibility of accidentally ruining them. This seems new.

I open my mouth to speak, but Cardan is already walking to the driver seat. "Get inside. We're going to the thrift store"

I blink, too stunned to even say a word of protest. After several minutes, I jump at the sound of Cardan honking his car. I glare at him - what the fuck? Cardan nudges his chin up, asking me again, to get into the car. I roll my eyes and hop into the passenger seat, pointedly looking out of the window.

We don't say anything for the first five minutes of the ride and I feel like I can crawl out of my skin and grow another one. You know, just in case. I glance to the dashboard to see the time - 11.15 - but something else catches my attention. A name plate. Let me correct that - a gold name plate. A customized one.

I scoff mentally. Of course. The Greenbriars don't do things by halves, do they? Name plates? 24 carats gold ones. Estates? Just make sure they are the center of attention. Interior designs? Always the best with the best designers. Fame? They are born into it. Being complete jackass? Maybe Eddie wasn't joking when he said the Greenbriar brothers are assholes. 

I kick off my Converse - I need to buy a new pair at the thrift store - and put on the ones Cardan handed over to me. The ridiculously expensive Versace sneakers that feel way too much to be worn by me. Okay, they are just shoes and I know I am exaggerating - but who knows if these shoes actually cost triple my Converse?

Yes, I will need a lifetime to pay for the damage.

Cardan coughs to clear his throat and I jolt in surprise. He shrugs nonchalantly as I glare daggers at him. Could have at least make a gesture instead of surprisingly making a noise out of nowhere. I roll my shoulders, feeling tensed all of the sudden. Cardan, who seems to notice the slight change, places a hand on mine. I watch his big hand trapping my hand underneath.

"Are you okay?" he asks, making me both surprised and unamused by the gentleness in his voice.

I look up and turn to face him. That look again. He's given me that look several times now, since - since the signet ring night. Out of so many good names, that's the one my brain can make up? I blink my eyes, trying to look away, but Cardan's palm comes to make contact with my cheek softly. "Are. You. Okay?" his voice grows softer, the frown of concern deepening.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you?" I am not sure of what to say. 

Before I could relish in the warmth of Cardan's hand against my cheek, he pulls away and returns his focus on the road, pulling the gear. "Yeah, I'm fine. This is usually the time I wake during weekends" he says, completely avoiding eye contact.

There. He gave me that look and as soon as he realized he let his guard down, he'll act all cold to me again. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

"That's... very disciplined of you" I say with an eye roll, mocking him. I can see the smirk forming on his lips as I look up at rear view mirror. "Oh, whose shoes are these? They are definitely not yours"

At the mention of the shoes, Cardan's face pales visibly.  Panic commingling with shock - or maybe fear - as if he didn't expect me to ask him that question. 

"They are... uh-" he can try to keep his expression cool all the time, but his eyes cannot deceive me right now - "they are yours. Are they small?"

I don't believe him, but I decide there is no use of arguing about whose shoes they are. "No, they fit me"

The conversation die there and we remain silent until we reach the thrift store.

So many things have happened and I refuse to believe the day hasn't ended yet. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.

But, on top of that, Cardan's switch in demeanor and unpredictability have improved beyond anyone's reach. Seriously, how many times have he surprised me today? I lost count and I don't want to fret over it. But - well, obviously I am thinking about them.

He offered to pay for my drink at Starbucks - mind you, Pumpkin Spice is a bit expensive compared to whatever basic coffee he takes on daily basis. And then, the whole you're not random girl thing - for some reason, that made me feel... how do I describe it? Special? Yikes, you're not main character, Jude Duarte.

Yeah, I'm aware.

And then, the whole shoelace and are you okay's things. And of course, the Versace sneakers - they are yours. I nearly scoff right there and then when he said that, but holding myself back because it would sound disrespectful to someone who seemed sincere to help me. I do not believe his words at all.

Why would he give me a pair of sneakers that cost more than $500 after all?

And those little touches. Why does his touch feel so familiar to me? Ever since the first time we had our kiss - yes, I'm talking about the one in the lecture hall - I crave for him even more. I crave for him and hate him at the same time, and let me tell you, it is so exhausting. 

It feels so wrong to feel like that - especially with Cardan. Cardan, who I've spent almost my entire life hating and now - after an abrupt kiss and little touches, I start thinking of him slightly better. I should not feel like this - not with Cardan. He hates me, I hate him - it is supposed to be just like that between the two of us.

Cardan and I have spent our life hating each other - ever since we set eyes all those years ago. And, Cardan still hates me, no matter how many touches and words of are you okay he gives me - he probably returns home feeling disgusted with himself. And I feel a sharp stab right into my heart.

No, I can't let myself feel like this. Not again.

"Jude" Cardan's voice brings me out of my trance. I blink as I look at him. "You're not eating. Are you okay?"

Don't ask me that! I want to scream at him for all the mixed signals he gave me. I bite the insides of my cheek, holding my tears from coming out. "I'm not hungry"

"Jude" his tone is soft, and I want to tell him to stop. "Are you okay?"

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? "Can you stop asking that question?! It's annoying!"

Cardan's mouth hangs open, completely startled by my change of behavior. I don't bother to wait for his explanation as I spring up from my seat, grabbing my tote bag and storming out from the restaurant. I stop a cab and as soon as I hop in, a tear manages to escape from my eyes.

I hate myself.

Chapter Text

No, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck, no!

This is the fifth tissue box that I've emptied out today to wipe out all my tears. I told Taryn and Vivi I just want to stay in my room all day because of my period - which is the truth. But- it's been three days since I got my period and since- I know you're not dumb so I'm going to assume you know what I mean.

Today is Tuesday, which obviously means I am supposed to be attending classes. But, I skip classes - all of them. I'm not usually too moody when I'm on my period, but this time - oh, do I have to explain the details of the reason of my tears? Why am I being so dramatic?

This is not like someone just told me Dylan O'Brien kissing someone else when I was twelve.

Taryn and Vivi have asked me multiple times about my well-being - and I really want to thank them for being the best sisters a young girl can ask for. But, the more you ask someone who is weeping about their well-being, the more they weep. So, instead of answering them, I throw anything within my reach to keep them away.

To be really honest, I feel extremely bad for them. But, this damn period is making my emotions completely unstable - yes, keep on blaming the nature, Jude. I kick my blanket away and slip into my oversized hoodie, putting on my bedroom slippers. I check my reflection on the mirror - unkempt hair and bloodshot eyes. Dark circles and chapped lips.               

Straightforwardly, I look like shit.

I roll my eyes and make big stride towards the door, forcing myself to open it no matter how much I want to just stay locked up in the darkness that mirrored my heart all day - all week, actually. I pinch my eyes shut as the bright light interrupts my vision. Fuck, that's too much for my eyes. Now they hurt even more.

I walk out from the room with only one eye open - the one that hurts most is covered by my hand. I feel so hungry right now. I descend the stairs and head straight to the kitchen, ignoring the parcels on the small table in front of the TV. They must be mine, considering the fact that they are not in Vivi's bedroom.

I wonder where did Taryn sleep for the past two nights of me kicking her out from her own room.

I enter the kitchen and find Taryn reading a book while waiting for something to bake in the oven. Probably cookies. She looks up at me and her book snaps shut. Her eyes are watching me carefully - as if I'm going to throw a heap of books at her head for offending my emotional ass. Of course, my emotional outburst kind of freaked the shit out of her and Vivi.

"Hey" I attempt to give her my best smile, although I'm certain I look ugly.

Taryn smiles softly. "Hey" she gestures for me to sit beside her. "Not throwing anything today?"

I chuckle. Sincerely. "Nah, I'm good"

Taryn pours a glass of orange juice and hands it to me. "So, what's with the sudden outburst?"

"I'm on my period"

"Don't lie, Jude. Surely that's not the only reason. You cried too much - which you never did before, by the way. And, you skipped two days worth of lecture. Which obviously is not something you would do"

"What are you doing at home?" I look at Taryn. She smiles and shrugs nonchalantly. "All classes are cancelled"

I press my lips together into a thin line. There really isn't any way to get out of this, huh? Taryn puts her book aside, not even making at effort at hiding the curiosity on her face. I sigh heavily. Look, I do love my sisters, but sometimes I hope they can just pretend that nothing is wrong with me. Especially now. I really don't want to talk about this no matter how much I need to let this whole shit go. I am not going to spend another three hours weeping under my blanket just because of Cardan.

Taryn's phone rings and I quickly look at it. Cold sweat drips all over me upon seeing the name on her screen. Cardan. Taryn frowns at my expression - looking at the phone and my face, as if asking my permission to answer the call. I mouth a hard no and cross my arms together, shaking my head vigorously. I don't care if I look dumb at this point - I just don't want to talk to Cardan.

As soon as the ringing ends, Taryn's expression shifts into one of serious curiosity. I gulp - I can never escape from this.

"Okay, what is going on?"

"Promise me you won't tell anyone? Vivi? Garrett?" I say, feeling hesitant.

"How about Cardan?"

"Fuck, no!" my voice rises one pitch higher. Taryn raises an eyebrow. "Sorry. Didn't mean to shout"

Taryn leans back, her shoulders relaxing visibly. Good, I am not prepared to tell anyone about this. But, with Taryn, there is no turning back after I say a word that will hint her about the topic. I take a deep breath - readying myself of any possible breakdown or crazy reactions from Taryn.

"Cardan. Well, we obviously went out together yesterday and he was so unpredictable. One minute he was cold, and the next he's all fun and jokes and suddenly he's asking if I was okay. So many times! I know you're going to think I'm ungrateful because I feel annoyed when he asked me that, but I can't help it! I can't even hate him anymore! Whenever I try to say I hate him, it felt wrong! Which is absurd because we hate each other!"

I make a face as if I'm about to puke because of my own lie. "See? It feels so fucking wrong to say that!" 

Taryn doesn't say anything, which is good because I don't need her to say anything until I finish talking about the whole thing about Cardan. I have never thought the idea of hating Cardan would disgust me one day. Hating him feels like the only thing that seems forever. But, look at me right now. All confused and angry about the mixed signals and my own feelings for him.

"And he replaced my old Converse with Versace sneakers. Versace! He gave me his signet ring as if I deserve to take care of this fucking thing!" my fingers go straight to touch the ring hanging on my neck. "And, when we first came to Cardan's apartment, we kissed! You were doing something when you sent me away to talk to him and we snogged, Taryn! Like a couple! Disgusting"

A smirk appears on Taryn's face, as if I just said something that amuses herm Of course, she's been thinking about the possibilities of me and Cardan being together ever since the whole sketching thing. And of course, the fact that Cardan's sisters are interested in a girl who isn't Nicasia confuses me even further. Perhaps, if I didn't agree to sketch him or willingly accept that one kiss in the hall, this wouldn't happen.

I am not going to tell Taryn how I enjoy Cardan's touch and warmth when our skin make contact. That will be a detail that I will leave out of the entire story. Taryn hasn't said anything - probably still creating more schemes about getting me and Cardan together in her head. And, I know I have to stop her.

"He gave me all those attention for a day, and then continued to avoid me for the rest of the week until Friday! Excuse me, even if I still hate him, he can't just leave me with tons of questions about his switch in demeanor because I still have emotions! Last Monday, he was so freaked out about me after Nicasia pushed me and then proceeded to avoid me for an entire week? God, what the hell is wrong with him?"

I place my forehead on the table, sighing heavily. No, because I hate how confusing everything has become. I don't want to say it directly although I know what it is. I do not want to look like a complete damsel in distress just because of this confusing thing about a guy. Honestly, I'm not a teenager to dwell in this!

Taryn touches the back of my head softly, and I look up at her. "I honestly don't know what to say about this. Usually, I will just go for stupid jokes but-" Taryn removes the hair covering my face - "you cried and skipped normal human things for three days, so it must have affected you a lot"

"I don't know, Taryn. This is honestly so shitty"

"You like Cardan, don't you? You wouldn't be so conflicted if it isn't because of that. Besides, skipping classes means not seeing him. You're avoiding Cardan so that obviously means you like him"

I can't deny her and I definitely do not want to deny her. I push myself to sit properly on the chair, forcing myself to smile although it is no use. "Will you believe me if I said I don't?"

Taryn smirks. "Just like that time"

I let out a low laugh. "How long has it been? Two months?"

Taryn laughs loudly and slaps my shoulder, causing me to finally crack a sincere smile for the first time in almost four days. "Jude, what is the real reason you're so stressed about this? It's normal to like someone, you know this"

At the change of her tone, I wet my lips and look down at my slippers. Although I am aware of how feelings work, but I don't know how well I am at managing them. Of course, I was a teenager - which obviously means I used to have more than a crush when I was in middle school and during my junior year in high school.

No, we're not talking about my 12 year old self fangirling over Dylan O'Brien.

But, I also have no clue how good I am at managing rejection. I have never bothered approaching the boys I liked to confess about my feelings because they always end up with partners on Valentine's. Some of them switch girlfriends every two months, so I guess it was wise of me to keep my feelings to myself.

"He doesn't like me" I say. "That's the reason"

Taryn pulls me into a bone-crushing hug. Gosh, this girl is as thin as lithe but her hug is way too strong - this has to do with her stamina as an athlete. "Aww, my sweet twin. Cardan is stupid to not like you. Now, why don't you wash up and we go out to get ice cream?"

I don't smile, but I turn to look at Taryn with a nod. Maybe this can distract me from Cardan for a while.

"Saturday. What was that?"

I freeze when I hear the familiar voice. Cardan. What a good time to be stuck in a room with him. I was doing fine avoiding him during classes, completely ignoring the messages he sent me - I haven't read the ones he sent me since Saturday - and doing just fine attending the classes without having to interact with him.

And now, his first words when he approaches me is that. Oh, crap. I clench my fists together that if I didn't stop myself, my nails my sink in and I may bleed. With a heavy sigh, I turn to look at Cardan. He- looks miserable. As if something is bothering him ever since Saturday. But also, that look.

I perish any thought that will cause me another breakdown and grip the sling of my bag, daring myself to really look at him. "It was nothing"

"Don't you dare tell me that was nothing" he hisses, furious. "You stormed out after shouting at me when all I asked you if you were okay or not! You were embarrassing me! You are fucking with my head, Duarte!" 

Do you hate me that much you have to fuck with my head?

A sense of cold fury and horror wash over me as I remember what he said in that dream. Cardan has a tight grip on my arm - clearly warning me to not walk away while we still have this unfinished business. What am I suppose to say to that? I'm sorry, you gave me mixed signals and I start getting feelings for you, but I can't tell you because I know you hate me and we're supposed to hate each other until our last breath. 

I have no intention of making a fool out of myself today - or any day, really. I stare at him in silence, unsure of what to say. I know it was my fault to just leave the restaurant like that when all he did to me for the entire day was being nice and civil - and maybe a little too caring. But, it bothers me. He is supposed to hate me, not treat me well.

What kind of logic am I making? I want him to hate me, but I also hate it when he hates me? Someone please knock some sense into my head. Apparently, sticking around with Cardan has turned me into a piece of dumb shit who can't even make a proper decision for herself.

"Why bother? You hate me" I look back at Cardan, voice and expression as ice.

Cardan's grip on my arm twitch, and he slowly lets go. The expression on his face is a mix of disappointment and resignation. "I don't" his voice is clipped.

"You don't?"

"I don't. I stopped hating you long ago. Ever since high school. I tried to, but I can't. But, you - you hate me even until today. Even now. Even when I offer you courtesy. Not everything is done because of a reason, Jude. I just wanted to have fun with you on Saturday, that's why I asked you out"

Asked me out? As in - no. I stop myself before I can even think of the possibility. "Then, at your apartment-"

"I kissed you. Why would I kiss you if I hate you, Jude? I said that in the morning because I don't want to think about the previous night. It should not even happen"

I am at a loss of words. Cardan does not hate me. Or, is this just another one of his stupid tricks? My jaw trembles as I attempt to form a word. Something has to be said - I can't just stand here without saying anything. I have to say something or I will end up looking like a complete loser. And to look like a loser in front of Cardan Greenbriar? No, I will not let that happen.

My fingers find the hook of necklace and I quickly unclasp it, looking at the signet ring hanging there. I toss the necklace into Cardan's hand and take a few steps away from him, thinking of the best words to say. I keep a cold expression, holding back all the tears I have held in since I saw him this morning. I need to do this.

"I hate you, Cardan. You don't have to play with words just to make me confused with my own words"

And with that, I turn on my heels and slam open the door before leaving the room, not letting myself to look at the bewilderment on Cardan's face. I continue walking, trying to rid of any thoughts of Cardan in my head - maybe just throw away the good ones. I don't fucking care what his reasons or motives are, but I prefer to not know. I prefer the old, sarcastic and hateful Cardan.

Maybe if he starts being horrible to me again, I can start hating him back. He will also hate me again even if he has been unsuccessful for the last few years. I just need to forget all of his good deeds to me - including the Versace sneakers no matter how much I love them - and it will be so much easier to hate him. Cardan's part will be a lot more easier because I've been nothing but a complete petulant rival the whole time.

I cross the bridge in the university's garden and ignore all the looks everyone is giving me. I should return home and lock myself in my room and binge watch Euphoria instead of dealing with my emotions and feelings towards Cardan. Just as I'm about to pass the building nearby the campus's exit, someone drags me away into a concealed part behind the building.

A hand is pressed against my mouth to prevent me from screaming. I kick the ground beneath me, ignoring the fear and panic commingling inside me. Wait, how am I suppose to ignore that when I can't even see who's behind me? Fuck it, so I have to fight for my life now?

A familiar cold voice echoes the dimmed room I'm dragged into. "Drop her"

I brace myself using both my palms and knees on the ground, panting hard as if I have just returned from a 500km long marathon. I look up and the sight of familiar blue hair appears before me, looking completely appalled. I grit my teeth. Nicasia. What does she want from me? There are two guys on her side - I don't know either of them.

"You" I say.

Nicasia grips me by my hair, staring down at me with eyes filled with cold fury. "No. You"

Those words may sound simple, but when they come out from Nicasia's tongue, there is anything but kindness in it. Her lips curl up into a malicious smile, alarming of what I just put myself in. "What the hell do you want from me?" I hiss impatiently. I have got no time for her stupid little charade.

Nicasia straightens herself, her grip on my hair strengthens. I bite my tongue hard to prevent myself from screaming for help. Whatever business Nicasia has with me, I prefer it to be settled between the both of us only. I wish no involvement of other people because I do not want any drama. And, I won't give Nicasia the satisfaction either. I look up at her, showing absolute no fear that only infuriates her more.

Nicasia sneers. "What do I want from you? Guess the easy one" she brings our faces closer, and I resist the urge to spit at her face. "Cardan"

I blink in total confusion. Huh, what about Cardan? Nicasia scoffs, clearly irritated by the look I put on. "Don't play with me. You know what I mean"

I snort. Oh, now I'm the one playing? She's the one speaking very vaguely to me and now she says I'm playing around. "Well, stop talking vaguely then. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me the damn thing"

"Stay away from Cardan!" Nicasia says, tightening her grip in my hair. I flinch, barely holding back the gasp that involuntarily slips out of my mouth. Oh girl, you're really looking for trouble with the wrong person. I already have a bad day with the whole Cardan thing, and now she wants to talk about staying away from Cardan? How about she asks her own ex-boyfriend to mind his own business instead of giving a girl - who he hates for over a decade - mixed signals because of his confusing demeanor?

I grip her wrist and pull it from tugging at my scalp. Fuck those goddamn sharp nails. I straighten myself and brush off the dirt on my jeans, glaring at Nicasia. "How about you tell your ex-boyfriend to just do his work instead of trying to invade someone else's personal space?" I sneer at her.

The look on Nicasia's face is anger and shock. Why is she always surprised everything I said something that seems like defying her? Oh please, she's not a royal princess to be respected to that extent. 

"You have absolute no right to talk like that to me! Do you even know who my mother is?" Nicasia rises her voice. "Boys, hold her!" 

The boys whom I know nothing of try to grab a hold on my arms but I quickly dodge. They look at me in complete shock and fury, attempting to hold me again. I slide away and trip them both, causing them to fall face first on the floor. I kick their bums with a smile and turns back to look at Nicasia. 

"To answer your question, yes, I know your mother. But, what can she do about this? A random girl speaks rudely to her daughter? Oh, at least she uses no physical violence towards the pretty daughter" I say mockingly, making a face as I look back at Nicasia.

I walk up towards her, and for once thanking the deities that I'm five-eight and Nicasia is much smaller than me. I loom over her with a smirk, and that obviously terrifies her despite her failed attempts to conceal her emotion. Oh, so she hates being defeated. Now, imagine being in my position for over a decade, you lucky girl.

"Listen here, Nicasia. You cheated on Cardan with Locke, and Locke, who obviously never takes things seriously cheated on you" I point to her chest, bringing her closer to the wall behind her, trapping her. "You got what you deserved. And you took me here to shamelessly ask me to stay away from Cardan? Let me tell you a thing, pretty girl" the last part is a hiss - there is too much frustration building inside of me and Nicasia seems like the perfect person to help me rid of them.

"You bi-"

"I do not have to stay away from Cardan, or the opposite! We are working together and whatever happened during those times has nothing to do with you. I repeat, nothing! You have lost every opportunity with Cardan and he obviously doesn't want to get back with you!" oh God, this is going the wrong way.

I am obviously jealous of Nicasia trying to get Cardan's attention again and I'm hinting her this. Oh, but she's dumb, so it's not a win-win situation. 

"You stay away from me or I'll crush your skull with my bare hands, Nicasia" I push her and pick up my bag on the floor, rushing out of the room. Oh cool, this might be fucked up, but I don't really care anymore.

Binging to Euphoria is an absolute heaven. Summer on Thursday, all classes cancelled, including the four period long class of Professor Ivan - what a perfect day. I don't have to meet with anyone at the university - especially Nicasia and Cardan. God, if I were a sucker for drama, I would have punched Nicasia in the face just to teach her some lesson.

I hear the sound of the door creaking and look up from my iPad - I'm on my fifth time binge-watching Euphoria, by the way - and find Taryn with a few parcels in her arms. Could be mine, could be hers. I decide to ignore her and continue to watch the high expression on Rue's face which cracks me up all the fucking time. Who allows a high person to be this hilarious?

Taryn's classes are cancelled again today, so that is the only reason why she's at home. I don't know what's up with all the lecturers, but thank you for cancelling classes or my brain might burst because of overusage. So dramatic. 

"What you did yesterday was stupid" I hear Taryn says.

My face scrunches up in confusion but I ignore her again as I assume she might be talking to herself. That's a normal thing, after all. So suddenly, I feel a sharp tug at my earphones. I look up and find Taryn glowering at me. I snatch my earphones back and pause the scene on my iPad. "Okay, that was rude"

"Jude, you were being so stupid yesterday"

"What did I do?"

Taryn sighs. "Again? Are you always clueless about the things you're doing? I don't know watching Euphoria can get you high, too"

"Hey, no Euphoria slander"

Taryn groans and rubs her face with her palms. Of course, the amount of love I have for Euphoria annoys her all the damn time. I put my iPad on the table beside my bed and invites Taryn to sit beside me, and she flops instantly into my bed as if it's hers. I roll my eyes and she grins briefly before giving me her phone. I frown - what the hell is going on?

"Cardan called me. He said you won't answer any of his texts since Saturday and he told me what happened between the two of you yesterday, and all I can say is you were shit"

I sigh. Man, not this again. "That's hardly your business"

"It is, Jude. Cardan works with us, and we need to maintain a good relationship for this project.  But the two of you fucked things up and now I have to do something. Just listen to what I recorded"

I tap on Taryn's screen and listen with full focus to the less than thirty seconds voice record she prepares for me.

"Jude's not answering me, so I'll have to confide in you. Tell Jude, if she wanna talk about hating me, then at least be clever about it. Don't storm out of a restaurant after being civil for a day with me only to tell me she hates me. I mean, what kind of foolish lie is that? If she really wants to lie, then be good at it. Don't look like a stupid damsel in distress. Sorry for bothering you, Taryn, but your twin is confusing me with her behavior"

I scoff. Oh my God, do these people have the same personality of putting the blame on others? I return Taryn her phone and take a deep breath. I'm furious. At Taryn. At Nicasia. At Cardan. And most of all, I'm furious at myself. I admit, the whole thing with Cardan is my fault, but he doesn't have to confide in Taryn just because I didn't answer his texts. He's smart, he should realize I do not want to talk to him at all for the time being. 

"So, any solution? You're going to text him back right?" Taryn asks.

I glare at her. "No. If he wants to stay furious, then let him be. I do not want to talk about this anymore"

I take my iPad and walk to the door. As I leave the room I hear Taryn groaning and saying something like "stupid. They like each other but their ego is way too high"

I snort, finding the thought hilarious. Me? Ego? Dream on.

Chapter Text

"I think... we're finished?" Taryn makes a few steps to the back, giving us a full view of the model building.

The atmosphere here is extremely awkward. It's been over a month since the whole Cardan thing - yes, it is still fresh in my head - and we haven't spoken to each other ever since. Of fucking course, we still share words, but mostly they are all about our work or we won't talk at all. And, it seems like Taryn has gotten used to it.

I honestly feel bad towards Taryn because she is obviously stuck in the middle, trying to balance things between me and Cardan. We obviously had several fights during our discussions because apparently my choice and taste isn't what Cardan thinks will be suitable for our theme.

I keep my mouth shut about the feud between me and Nicasia. I was so positive that it was only a one-time thing, but Nicasia seems to never give up. She must have picked up the hint that I actually like Cardan and so she keeps using it against me. She keeps trying to get Cardan's attention whenever he wants to talk to me about work, and considering that the whole work thing isn't going to work on the shameless Nicasia.

And let me tell you, it was super annoying. What makes me more furious, Cardan seems purposefully treating Nicasia nicely after calling her a bitch earlier as if nothing horrible has ever happened between them. They are still hanging out together like some old school friends.

I mean, yes, they are old friends. But, a cheater is still a cheater. Man, I'm furious as if she's cheated on me. Oh God, as if I will date her at all! I look at the model sitting on the desk in Cardan's library, checking if there is anything I can fix. Well, I'm satisfied.

But, Taryn and Cardan don't seem to be satisfied with the outcome. Taryn looks like she needs to add some more thing, as if the whole thing is not enough. While Cardan looks like he's about to throw out negative comments just to piss me off because almost all the ideas are mine. But, considering the amount of sleepless nights, I think it's wise for him to just shut the fuck up.

A clap from Taryn breaks the silence, indicating the end of the project. I clap my hands slowly and cheers silently, pointedly looking away from Cardan. The only thing we have to prepare right now is the presentation - although, Taryn is always one step ahead when it comes to her part. She's completed all the reports and now we only need to memorize our parts.

Taryn is the you know, just in case type of person. And, as much as I like that about her, but seeing that she does this purposefully so I will need to spend another two weeks working with Cardan before the presentation week does not seem like a good idea. Oh, yes. I can read my twin very well.

"I think so" I finally say after minutes of silence.

"Yeah, it's perfect" Cardan says. I glance at him but he doesn't bother to make any eye contact.

I think - maybe if we stop talking or being nice to each other, maybe this feeling would go away. But, there really isn't any change. Cardan obviously has offered us kindness and assistant throughout the entire period of our project discussions. And, although he only talks to Taryn in a friendly way and buying coffees, I have a feeling he is doing that to prove that he doesn't hate me.

Oh, Cardan. He's a foolish one, isn't he? Is my acting really that well or was he just trying to convince himself that I don't hate him so he doesn't have to feel guilty for doing me so dirty for over a decade? Perhaps he only talks to Nicasia just because they've been friends for so long and I shouldn't even feel annoyed or angry.

I was the one who lied by saying I hate him, as a shield to hide my own feelings. It's rubbish, really. It doesn't make any sense that out of all men I find attractive, Cardan is the one I fall for. And every time he talks to other girls - excluding Taryn - I feel like kicking them out of the way and loop my arms around his so we can walk together. As the thought comes across my imagination, I turn on my heels and walk out from the library.

I head straight to the guest bathroom and as soon as I'm inside, I lean against the door. I take a sharp breath and close my eyes, then slowly opening them, staring at my reflection on the big mirror. My cheeks are flushed with embarrassment at the thought of walking hand-in-hand with Cardan in the college's hallway like a couple. 

This is absurd. A month is really more than enough to stop liking him, but I fail miserably. And now we have to spend another two weeks practicing for the presentation - which obviously requires more time with Cardan considering we're studying the same course. Taryn is way too clever for everyone's own good.

I splash the water to my face, watching the color fading slowly. At least I don't have to walk out with cheeks as red as ripe tomatoes as if a guy just gave me a bouquet of roses. I open the door and when I look up to see what's blocking me, I barely hide my gasp of surprise and instantly step back.

Cardan is standing at the door, staring down at me. Every emotions in his eyes are guarded completely well with a stare as intense and cold as ice shards stabbing right through my skin. He enters the bathroom and when I hear the soft click of the door locking, I take another step back - maintaining our distance.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"A month. You avoid talking to me for a fucking month since that shit happened. Care to elaborate?" Cardan raises an eyebrow.

I look down, feeling shiver running down my spine at our close proximity. The familiar scent of moss, oakwood and leather has me spiraling away from focus. "We're talking"

Cardan scoffs and lifts my face up with a finger under my chin, a smirk with eyes filled with fury meeting my neutral one. "You know damn well what I fucking mean, Duarte"

Shit. It terrifies me just how scared I am at the change of his tone. Cardan getting angry at me is normal - he will usually taunts me back or shouts at me. But this? When his tone is hard and low, with the extra usage of curse words? Plus the advantage of the unnecessary skin contact? I know I am going to be in so much trouble. I try to move, but his grip on my chin startles me.

"Answer me, Duarte" 

Panic rises inside me, but I still need to keep things cool. To face his anger is already terrifying, and to fuck things up even more will not make things any better. "What kind of answer would you want to listen to?"

Cardan's smirk grows bigger, satisfaction appearing as his face draws closer. "Oh, I don't know. A fucking explanation"

I push him away and straighten myself. I glare and point at his chest. "You're a fucking shit, Cardan. You bullied me for over a decade and you're not even sorry about it. And, the worst part here, after spending time with you, I can't even hate you anymore! I tried and tried, looking for your flaws and trying to remember all the shit you did to me, but every time I did that, there will be a fucked up part of my mind that will tell me we were young. You treated me like shit! So don't tell me you want a fucking explanation. You do not need an explanation to know just how much I hate you!"

I let everything out and storm out from the bathroom, giving him absolute no shit as I head towards the library. God, I have never thought liking him would hurt me so bad. I take a deep breath but as I try to exhale, tears start falling and my whole body trembles with fear, shock and pain. I collapse to the wall beside me, hugging my knees tight as I cry.

Dammit, I can't cry here. I need to get out and after that I can lock myself for hours - days, possibly - and weep until my eyes are dry. I need to get my bag and run out of here and urge Taryn to drive home and dodge her question and pretend like nothing has happened. Yes, that will be the perfect plan for whatever shit I'm stuck in.

I get up and resume to walk towards the library, ignoring the tears streaming down that causes my vision to go blurry. Just when I'm about to reach for the door knob, someone pulls my left wrist and before I could resist the grip, I am pressed against the wall and Cardan's lips are against mine, kissing aggressively.

I push him away but he places both hands on my face, looking at me with an unreadable expression. "Tell me you hate me and all our kisses mean nothing. Tell me, Jude" 

Cardan kisses me again without letting me say a word in reply or protest, and I helplessly melt into his touch. Oh, how much I miss his lips against mine. I loop my arms around his neck and let him carry this kiss anywhere he wants to. I am incapable of thinking straight, absolutely bereft of words - I am heady with the desire and overwhelmed with my own feelings for him.

Cardan's lips move lower to sloppily kiss my jaw, licking a long trail down to my neck before sucking softly. I let out a slow whimper and grab a fistful of his hair to refrain myself from falling. I tilt my head up, letting Cardan having more skin to devour. "Tell me this means nothing, Jude. Tell me"

Damn him and his words and his touches. I hoist myself up and wrap my legs around his waist, kissing him back with equal fire. Cardan groans as our lips meet again, this time kissing me harder. I hear a clicking sound but I am too lost in my own desires to even bother about my surrounding. I feel a hard surface underneath me and realize that Cardan has taken me into the library and deposited me on the desk.

We stare into each other's eyes for a brief second to catch our breath before giving into our wants again. I wrap my legs around his waist again, already memorizing the lean and sharp frame of his. Our tongues mingle together, fighting to get control over each other. Cardan pulls me closer, trying to minimize any distance we have.

"Tell me what we're doing right now means nothing, my darling Jude" Cardan's fingers brush against my spine and I shiver. Fuck you. I want to curse at him. But, I can't. I want to deny him, but I can't. Because I am so obviously falling into the deep end for wanting him and obviously, none of the kisses means nothing. If we hadn't kissed, this will never happen.

Cardan's fingers rest on the sleeves of my cardigan, as if asking my permission to remove it. I nod and help to push the cardigan away, allowing Cardan more skin contact. As soon as our skin meet, I feel warmth flooding over me and I swear I want to fucking melt into his touch. He kisses me again before pulling away, staring intently into my eyes.

"I like you, Jude Duarte"

What? I blink and as realization hits me like a Japanese bullet train, a fresh sensation of horror comes across me. I push him away and put on my cardigan, frantically looking around to search for my bag. I need to get out from here - I should not even be here, kissing an heir to a famous family in the town. I have to go.

I pick up my bag and when I'm about to reach for the doorknob, Cardan pulls my hand, looking at me. His expression is not of the indecipherable mask, instead, he looks crestfallen. I feel a sharp stab of guilt inside me as I watch the conflict of emotions warring in his ebony eyes. "Jude-"

"I'm sorry. I need to go home" I pull my hand away from his loose grip and run out without looking back at Cardan. Dammit, I'm so fucked.

I poke at my meal with absolute distaste. For the fifth time since lunch begins, I let out another sigh. Taryn and Vivi seem to have had enough of this whole thing about Cardan that they stop trying to help me. Although there's a part of me that feels angry at them for not giving me help, it is also my fault to run away from my problem like a coward.

Today is Sunday and I obviously have no other arrangement. But, if I can drive alone to scream my guts out for hours while blasting tons of Taylor Swift's songs in the car, I will literally grab the key and leave right this moment. God, it really is horrible to think I have such an idea when I still doubt my own driving skills.

I look up from my meal and find Taryn and Vivi looking at me. Both of them have the are we really having this bullshit again? look. Oh, of course they know about what happened on Friday night. Taryn obviously left me alone to make sure Cardan and I make things up, but the situation just got worse. And, of course they know the whole story of what happened two nights ago when I showed up here crying like someone just broke up with me.

And believe me when I say Taryn has had enough of the whole thing with Cardan. The look she put on her face that night when I told her everything that happened seemed like she's given up to make sure we reconcile. It's either of us making a move or just keep pretending nothing shitty has happened.

Vivi has finally stepped in - albeit, begrudgingly - just with a reason that she doesn't want to purchase more tissues just for me to use every time I want to weep about Cardan. Okay, reasonable enough. Hey, the girl's got other bills to pay, okay? I'm about to say something when Taryn's phone rings.

Taryn blinks as she stares at the screen. She shows me the name on her screen and I almost throw my spoon at her. She rolls her eyes and answer the call. "Cardan. Give me a second" Taryn steps down from her stool and I frown. Vivi looks at me, chin tilted up as if asking me to follow Taryn and eavesdrop on her conversation.

I roll my eyes and drag my feet out of the kitchen, hiding just behind the wall parting the living room and the kitchen. Taryn is talking to the phone while walking to check something at the window. She turns and catches my eyes and I abruptly look away. I really can't help but to feel curious when it comes to Cardan, huh? 

God, I am so helpless.

"You're really here. Wait, I'll go and talk her into this" Taryn's silence only remains for a few seconds before she speaks again. "You know how she is. Dealing with problems is not her forte" Taryn sighs. "I know, Cardan. Help that girl. We have presentation in two weeks and you guys are still not talking" Taryn glances at me, asking me to come closer. "No, it's not Jude's fault. Both of you are horrible to each other, so the only thing is that you have to solve things on your own"

"What is it?" I ask, finally close enough to hear what Cardan is saying on the line. But, before Taryn can say a word, Cardan ends the call and we just stare at the blank screen. Taryn presses her lips into a thin line before looking at me. "Cardan is outside. He wants to see you"

"Fuck, no" I say with a frown.

Taryn rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. Oh, shit. She's going to berate me. Honestly, between Taryn and Vivi, Taryn is stricter despite being the same age. I mean, yes, Taryn is older by five minutes but it is still stupid to feel troubled when she's about to berate me. Taryn is so much like Mom that she has ever took credit for.

"Look. You like Cardan, Jude. Stop playing dumb because that shit isn't working. What did he say? Out-smart yourself? There. Tell him you like him or watch him get back with Nicasia"

I make a face of disgust at the thought of the two being a couple again. Taryn slaps my arm. "Jude, you're so clever. But, when it comes to Cardan, I don't even know where did you leave your brain at. It's absurd, really. There is nothing wrong with liking Cardan. Okay, maybe things are a little awkward at first, but it's because you still carry the past with you. Move on, girl. How are you supposed to live up to the future if you're still haunted by your past?"

"He bullied-"

"And didn't you stand up for yourself? You've always done that, so it doesn't matter. You're brave, you're clever, you're beautiful, you know what's wrong and right for you, but when it comes to your feelings for Cardan-" Taryn inhales a sharp breath before looking at me again "- you always try to think he is horrible when in fact he's no longer that stupid seventeen year-old"

I press my lips together. Taryn is right. Taryn is absolutely right and I fucking hate it. I have always been the type of person who runs away from her present problems by thinking about shit that happened years ago. Sighing, I nod and grab my jacket, opening the door to find Cardan already waiting outside his car.

I feel the sudden urge to cry as I catch the expression on his face. The same crestfallen expression is on display, just like the other night - as if he is expecting another rejection no matter how much effort and courage it takes for him to come here to talk things out. And here I am, clutching my jacket and running away from things like a complete coward.

I blink the tears away and walk down towards Cardan, pushing open the small gate of the townhouse. He doesn't look at me as I approach him, which stings but things have to be fixed, after all. I stare at his outfit - a suit. He can't be- "I'm supposed to be at the hotel. Company's stuff" he says, giving me the answer of a question that remains stuck in my tongue.

"Oh. You look nice" Smells nice too. But, that will be discussed after all this is over.

"Right, about last night" Cardan's index finger traces the shape of my ear, looking at me with that look. "I mean what I said. I like you. And, I hated that I like you. I like you for years, probably ever since the time I stop hating you. Even when I was dating other girls, I think about you. I hated it. Because, I was bullying and treating you like an absolute shit, but I still was attracted to you. It was foolish, teenage me" Cardan lets out a bitter laugh, his gaze dropping to the ground beneath us. 

"I'm sorry, Jude. What a foolish thing to say. I don't even deserve to like you after all of those shit that happened. But, I really am sorry about what I did in the past. And, if you can't forgive me, maybe just my friends. I'm already used to you hating me, so-" he looks up at me, pulling his hand back to his side. "I better be going now"

No. Don't. I grab his wrist and he stops abruptly. "Cardan, wait" I say, my voice coming out softer than I expected.

Cardan doesn't say anything and I press my lips. Our distance is the appropriate one - we're not friends or lovers, so it's only proper we stand at this distance. But, I can't help but to feel his body pressed against mine again as we kiss. I shake the image from my head and look up at Cardan. I have to do this - I can't leave him hanging or I might feel guilty for the rest of my life.

"I like you too" I say, my voice coming out in tender tone.

Cardan blinks his eyes, looking almost incredulous. His ebony eyes are searching my face to look for any lies, but there is none. "What?"

"I like you too. And-" I drop his hand and step closer, ignoring the fact that we're standing on a roadside and he is towering like a tree in front of me. "I'm sorry about that. You know, Saturday. I was confused with my own feelings and I have never felt that way for someone. And you, of all people. You treated me good but then you ended up being cold and angry again. So I thought, what's the use of liking you? The whole month I tried my best to hate you again, but I can't. And when you kissed me again, it was not nothing" 

I don't dare to look Cardan in his eyes anymore. God, I never know confessing to the person I like - who is supposed to be the one I loathe - would be so embarrassing. And of course, that kiss means not nothing. When he kissed me that night, it felt like a whole fire has been lit up around us and only his lips against mine can soothe and smother things at the same time. 

I gasp when I feel Cardan's arm around my waist, realizing that there is no distance between us. He holds me by my waist and lifts me from the ground, and my eyes widen in surprise. I frantically look around, trying to make sure no one sees us. "Cardan, we're outside!"

A big smile is on his face as I look down at him. For the first time, I can see him from a different angle. He pecks my lips and his grin grows bigger, and I can't help to mirror him. "You're too short. My neck strained from having to bend down just to kiss you"

I wish my cheeks are not flushed right now. But of course, that will be very impossible with my feelings overwhelming me. My heart doubles its size as Cardan brings our face closer, kissing the tip of my nose and I have to resist the laugh that's bubbling at the tip of my throat. "I really am not joking. You are too short, Jude"

I roll my eyes and gesture for him to put me down. Yeah, it's cool to be lifted like I'm very light, but it's not really comfortable when you're outside and the chance of being seen is so high. "Again. Five-eight is not short, Cardan. You are too tall. What did your parents give you to eat as a baby? Tons of height pills?"

"Nah. Maybe I just have amazing growth spurt" Cardan smiles.

We both remain silent for a few seconds before laughing out loud. Cardan pulls me back and wraps an arm around my waist, pushing back the hair that gets in front of my face because of the wind. He kisses the top of my head and I blush, both my palms are flat against the hard pane of his chest. "So what are we now? A couple? Like boyfriend, girlfriend?" I hold his stare, unable to hide the smile growing on my face.

Cardan laughs softly and places a hand on my cheek. "I don't know. You decide. Ask me anything and I'll give you the exact thing"

I bite the inside of my cheek and stand on my toes, kissing Cardan's cheeks. I loop my arms around his neck to keep myself from falling, and Cardan laughs again. "Well, then. Cardan Greenbriar, be my boyfriend"

Cardan laughs again, and I can't tell if he actually thinks that I'm funny. "Maybe if you sketch me again?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, of course. You're truly the masterpiece of my arts"

"I'm honored"

Cardan and I stare at each other for a few seconds until his phone vibrates in his pocket and he clumsily opens it up to check it. "Shit. Dain asked where I am. You know what? I need to go"

"Right, of course"

"See you tomorrow" he smiles. 

I smile and wave awkwardly at him as he walks back to his car after pecking my lips. Well, that surely is something I need to learn how to get used to. I watch his car until it disappears from my sight and turn my heels back to the door, failing miserably at my attempt to hide the smile growing. I am surprised my cheeks are not yet hurt from too much smiling. 

I lock and lean against the door, covering my flushed cheeks with my hands. That surely was a one experience of rollercoaster of emotions. When I look up, I find Taryn and Vivi looking at me as if asking details for what happened outside. I bang my head against the door and sigh, approaching them on the couch.

"No need to explain. We saw everything" Vivi says with a teasing tilt of her eyebrow.

"You were so cute just now! And when he lifted you up, I feel like I'm watching a real-life rom-com, Jude!"

I roll my eyes and take the remote controller to change the channel on TV. "Oh, quit it"

"So, you guys are like -" Vivi's lips curl into a smile- "together now? Dating?"

I blush and keep my eyes on the screen. "I guess so. Boyfriend and girlfriend"

Taryn squeals excitedly and claps her hands as if she's just won the lottery. "Jude finally has a boyfriend! We should celebrate!"

Oh my God, what is Taryn without her stupid little celebration? We all laugh and get up to bake something in the kitchen - as a mean to celebrate me having my first boyfriend ever.

Chapter Text

Some chocolate for the day -  Cardan :)

I bite a grin from forming as I look down at the note pasted on top of a chocolate on my desk. It's already the end of Monday's class - no evening class, of course. And, it seems like the other students have left the hall when I was in the lavatory - Cardan has also left. I take out my purse and put the note in it, before taking the chocolate.

I take my bag and walk out from the hall, silently taking a bite from the chocolate as I walk down the hallway. There are no eyes on me - judging or questioning my life choices. So, that means that they clearly know nothing about me and Cardan. Well, it is probably good for now.

I keep on biting the chocolate while checking Mom's text messages until I bump into someone. I almost fall but thank God, the guy who I bumped into catches me by my wrist. I am about to thank him until I see the person I accidentally walk into. I jerk back with a startled scream, and his face twists into confusion. Valerian.

I raise both my hands as a shield, looking away from him. "I obviously didn't mean to bump into you. So please don't kick me down the fucking stairs and break my leg again"

There is a split second of silence before Valerian starts laughing. He is already terrifying, and the laugh doesn't help either. I blink as I look up at him. Huh? He presses a hand to his stomach, leaning against the wall and continues to laugh. I press my lips together and cross my arms. "What is so funny now?"

"You are funny. The way you just freaked out when you realized you hit me. God, Duarte. You should see your face" Valerian wipes the tears on his eyelids and straightens his back.

I roll my eyes. "Well, you threw me off the stairs when we were fifteen. Precautions are a must"

"Right. And I'm not sorry about it" Valerian smirks as he shoves both hands into the pocket of his navy blue blazer. I roll my eyes again - of course he isn't. What is with Cardan and surrounding himself with assholes as friends? I mean, he is kind of an asshole too, so I can see the similarities in all of them.

Cardan is manipulative, Locke is dramatic and attention seeking, Valerian enjoys violence and Nicasia? Well, maybe annoying and a little too flirtatious with everyone even when she is in a relationship. Well, now that she is single - I doubt that - she might try to sweet talk boys into doing things for her. Like asking those second years to grab me just so she can threaten me.

I scoff mentally at the thought. Oh my, as if I'm scared of her. "You and Kai" Valerian's statement breaks me out of my trance. I blink and look up at him, finding him still with a teasing smirk. "You guys are together"

Kai- Kai... who the fuck is - shit. Out of all people, he knows? And here I thought only my sisters and my closest friends know about this. I still need to get used to Cardan's middle name. Why do his friends call him Kai, though? Cross that - Nicasia has never called him Kai. Or maybe she did? Okay, I don't know.

"Cardan told you?"

"Umm.. kinda slipped out of his mouth when we were getting coffee this morning" Valerian says, a mocking lilt is obvious in his voice. I roll my eyes again - I am surprised they are still stuck to the roots. I think if I roll them way too many times in less than five minutes, they might fall off. Yikes, I do not want to think of that.

"He's happier than he's ever been. You know, Kai. He's been through a lot. With Dain fucking with his life and all" Valerian says, looking directly at me. I blink, unsure of what I should say right now. Yes, I am aware of the vague things Dain do to mess with Cardan, but I really have no idea if he is that bad. "I noticed that he only smiles like that when he sees you"

"Like what? And are you here to roast me for dating your friend or what?"

Valerian frowns. "No. Kai's not joking when he said you think every kindness has motives. Well, I still need to get used to the fact that he's dating you. But, hey, at least it's not Locke or Nic, you know?" Valerian shrugs. "And, let me know if you have any single guy friends. I want a boyfriend too"

My eyes snap wide at his words. "You're gay?"

Valerian waves his hand in the air. "It's not obvious? I came out when we were sixteen"

I blink. Well, that surely is something I missed back in high school. Valerian raises his hand and looks pass my shoulder, and I tilt my head slightly. Cardan is walking towards us, his hair the usual mess and his hands are in his pocket. He raises a hand at Valerian before looking at me, a bright smile etches upon his pale face.

He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer, and I instantly look down, feeling the heat rising to my cheeks. Valerian's eyebrow rises, teasing me as he waves at us before disappearing into the crowd. I slowly look up, finding Cardan's eyes on me.

"Hi" I say, fighting the urge to smile.

"Hello" he turns me around, looking around to make sure no one is glancing at our direction. "You're eating the chocolate"

I raise the chocolate bar in hand, shaking it slightly. "You should already know by now that I can't resist food"

Cardan laughs softly as his hand moves to wipe something at the corner of my mouth. He glances around before smirking as he looks down at me. I raise an eyebrow but Cardan doesn't say anything as he leads me through the crowd. Surely he isn't going to ask why I was talking to Valerian?

We don't talk the whole time we walk through the crowd and I see several students looking at the way our hands are intertwined together. There are questions and curiosity drawing on their faces and I feel like hiding myself with Cardan's bigger figure. It's not because I'm embarrassed, it's because I'm scared of the gossip that they will spread about us.

Cardan finally releases my hand as we reach his car. A white Audi Q7. Cardan opens the passenger door and I take a hesitant step and find his eyes on me. He nods and I slip into the car, eyes studying his dashboard. Okay, no more golden name plate or I'm going to fucking lose my shit.

Cardan hops into the car, turning on the engine. We turn to look at each other, and for a moment, there is just a stretch of comfortable silence. Cardan has his rings adorning all of his fingers, including his signet ring. I study him closely and find my necklace hanging from his neck. 

I feel my cheeks turning red. He keeps the necklace even after my outburst last month - when I said I hate him and tossed him back the ring along with the necklace, and instead of throwing the cheap accessory away, he puts it on. Cardan's hand rises to touch my cheek, the cold sensation of his rings grazing softly against my skin. I feel shiver sprinting down my spine at his touch.

Cardan's face inches closer, the emotions behind his dark and luminous eyes slowly become unguarded as our noses touch. I can feel his breath tickling my skin and I giggle softly - Taryn is right, I become absolutely someone else when Cardan is around. A smile etches on his lips as he brings himself closer, our arms touching.

"What are you doing?" I ask, a laugh bubbling in my throat.

Cardan's hand moves to tuck a hair behind my ear, his index finger tracing the round curve of my ear. I shiver and lean closer into his touch. His smile grows bigger. "I like this" he whispers.

"Hmm" my eyes flutter close, relishing in the warmth and softness of his caresses. Despite my eyes being tightly shut, I can feel Cardan's and my smiles mirroring each other, enjoying the littlest moments we can get after all the things that have happened between us. 

A moment of silence, a shift of weight, and I feel Cardan's lips softly brushing against mine as if asking for a silent permission to kiss me. I open my eyes slightly and hum before kissing him softly on the lips. Our fingers laced together the moment our lips move in sync, following the intense beating of our hearts.

Cardan's arm slides around my waist, pulling me closer despite knowing it is to no success. My fingers find themselves tangled in his beautiful midnight hair, messing and stroking, eliciting a soft sigh from him. Cardan's hand find the back of my neck, his nails grazing softly, and I lose myself to a whimper. 

Cardan nips at my lower lip, softly, gently biting and teasing, and I gladly grant him the access to explore my mouth. I sigh as our kiss turns feverish, hands grabbing at any skin we can feel against each other. His tongue is dragging a long trail down my jaw, kissing softly before trailing down to my neck, licking, biting and sucking gently to soothe the sensation.

I feel a new surge of fire burning inside me at his little teasing. Is there really anything this guy is horrible at? I pull his attention back to my lips, kissing each other sloppily. Cardan bites my lower lip, and instead of hissing in warning, I let out a soft moan that has him groaning at the skin of my neck.

"Cardan" I say breathlessly between kisses, unwilling to stop this. Cardan's fingers fiddle with the hem of my shirt and I feel my cheeks turning hotter. I pull away from the kiss and push away the fringe that falls down to cover his face. Our faces are still impossibly close, but this may suffice because I just need to say something.

"Are we going to kiss for the next hour or are we going to get some lunch?" I say, pointedly tilting my head at the direction of the dashboard.

His lips brush against mine, and we both reluctantly pull away. I suddenly long for the pleasure of his weight pressing against mine, feel of his skin touching mine. Cardan shifts on his seat, eyes never leaving me, clearing his throat. "I do want to kiss you for hours, however, I believe we are both famished after the classes"

I laugh and we continue to chat as Cardan drives out of the campus's carpark.

"Sephora? Really?" Hands on waist, I raise an eyebrow as Cardan tests another eyeliner tube.

"What? Come on. You have slept in my room. You should know that I have tons of makeup, Jude" Cardan laughs, pulling me. He tries to apply the eyeliner on me, but I quickly dodge, wriggling out of his hold. Nope, I am not going to trust him on doing my makeup. As much as I know how good he is with makeup, it is still dangerous.

"You make it sounds like we have had sex" I say, frowning as I inspect the iridescent palates of glittery eyeshadow. Taryn will definitely like something like this - yeah, even if I intend to buy that, I still need to find more money.

"So? I mean, you know we can" Cardan smirks, his face inching closer. My cheeks blush furiously, and at this moment, I wish I am not easily fluttered by his teasing. I push his chest away but he pulls me back, an eyeliner tube still in hand. "Okay, I won't say that again. But, can you let me do your eyeliner? I've never seen you use one"

"It's unnecessary"

Cardan snorts. "Oh, come on"

"I don't trust you. You might draw some weird lines to embarrass me" I glare, as if suspecting his intention of malice, but of course - of fucking course, Cardan is anything but threatened by my expression. I sigh and give in, granting him the permission. Cardan smiles, picking up another tube, checking the color to make sure they look good on me.

The truth is, I don't really know how to do makeup. I find them all mesmerizing and beautiful - this doesn't involve how Taryn successfully do something that looks similar like Euphoria themed makeup. She literally had me fangirling over her makeup set that we spent five hours doing our hairs and makeups before taking pictures to keep them in our memories.

Despite finding them amazing, I never really bother to learn. It's not because I believe in the mindset of no makeup, natural beauty - but, it's because I'm too lazy to even learn the simplest tricks. I do, however know how to apply certain things, but not to the extent where people will think they look amazing. Maybe just some bronze eyeshadow, blush and lip gloss and I'm done. 

Taryn's makeup skill is beyond mine or Vivi's skills. I am not sure where did she learn every tricks, but then I remember she's been into makeup ever since we were ten. Mom and Dad never stop us from watching and learning things that we enjoy, so I think that is one of the reasons why we all never stop to improve our talents.

Cardan's fingers gently lift my face, my eyes directly staring at his. His hand moves carefully to not touch the thin layer of makeup I put on, and I take a moment to study his face. Cardan is pale, so the shade on his face is surely from one of his makeup foundations. His eyeliner is there, barely visible, but if you take a closer look, you can see how perfectly angled and winged they are.

His eyes are adorned with light green eyeshadow that matches the color of his jacket, but he keeps them minimum. He needs no contour to sharpen or enhance his features, his high cheekbones and perfect razor-sharp jaw are giving absolute advantage to his appearance. His lips are soft and shiny - I'm assuming he puts on lip gloss.

"There you go" Cardan pecks my lips and I blink, completely startled. He hands me the mirror and I hesitantly take it, taking a moment to observe the wing of the eyeliner he has drawn on both my eyelids. I tilt my head, looking for anything odd, but find none. I pull my hair back and bring the mirror closer, silently admiring Cardan's handiwork.

I put the mirror and turn to look at Cardan, finding his eyes already on me. His tongue clicks, sticking out slightly, studying my face. "I can be a makeup artist like this"

"Yeah, yeah. Fine, you're good at this" I say, too lazy to put a fight with him.

Cardan takes the curls that falls down from my face and twirls them between his fingers. I realize the other customers' attention are on us - whispering and smiling as our eyes meet. "Cardan"

"I wanna kiss you" Cardan whispers and inches closer, and I immediately step on his foot with my heel, and he jumps away. "What's that for?"

"People are looking"

Cardan tilts his head sharply and studies the girls - mostly in their 20s and 30s - before looking back at me. An annoyed expression is on his face as he takes the basket filled with makeup and cosmetics - some are mine, but mostly his - and he leads us to the counter, his movement shows every familiarity towards the direction of the store. Even the staffs here know him - or maybe they acknowledge him because this building is under Greenbriar's Co. I roll my eyes at the thought.

We leave the store with three bags - Cardan's hands are filled with paper bags from every shops we entered. I only have three paper bags and they all fit in one hand. I glance his way and offer a hand to help him with his bags, but instead of giving me the bags, he moves them to the other hand and holds my hand. I feel my cheeks turning red, pointedly looking to the front despite feeling pinned by the weight of his gaze on me.

We walk hand in hand and I pay attention to Cardan's story about this shopping complex and his obsession with every shops in it. He once spent over $20000 when he was fifteen - literally overusing his father's credit card to buy clothes and some furnitures to put in his room. He explains to me that he was doing a room makeover at that time.

And of course, his action has its own consequences. When his father checks the bill, the old man almost get a heart attack by the amount of money his youngest child spent that resulted in Cardan facing his first - and certainly not last - restriction to go shopping for two months. He was only allowed to go to school and his mother has repeatedly reprimand him to not go shopping with his friends. And when he tells me about his experience being grounded, I laugh at him. 

I glance at my watch and find it is already half past four, and Cardan is still telling me some funny stories from high school. I can feel my phone vibrating in my bag - certain that Vivi and Taryn are now looking for me as I completely forget to tell them that I am going out with Cardan. Wait, cross that - is this a date? 

I look around and spot a bookstore and without letting Cardan finish his story, I drag him along with me. It has been so long since I last come here - probably a year ago with Heather, helping her to pick up birthday present for Taryn. I click my tongue as my eyes skim quickly over the stationeries and books on the shelves in front of me.

"What are you looking for?" Cardan approaches me, a quizzical expression on his face.

"Some art stuff. Something to add into my collection" I say, picking up the acrylic paint and place it in my basket. Cardan doesn't say anything as he follows after me - curiously eyeing palettes after palettes of paint. I end up purchasing three different paint sets and two sketchbooks - we are not talking about the other unused sketchbooks in my bedroom.

"I suppose I should go home now" I say as we head to the carpark.

Cardan frowns. "You suppose?"

I wave my phone in front of his face, rolling my eyes. "My sisters are definitely looking for me right now"

Cardan laughs and playfully tugs my free curls, running away before I can curse or hit him. I hop into the car after putting my purchases at the backseat, meeting Cardan's eyes again. We remain silent for less than five seconds and begin to laugh. Cardan takes my hand kisses my knuckles, sending a shiver running down my spine.

"We're dating today" he says, inching closer until our noses touch. He moves slightly, purposefully brushing his nose against mine. I need to keep in head that Cardan likes to do this, considering the amount of times he leaned in to bump our noses together. 

I look directly into his eyes, unable to hide the grin forming. "I think so"

"Wanna do this again?"

I giggle, nodding my head. "Of course"

Taryn enters the room, startling me who is obviously sitting cross-legged on my bed, watching the latest episode of Euphoria. First of all, what the hell? Second of all, pop off, Maddy. I pause the video playing and pull out my wired earphones, staring at my twin sister with a frown. 

"You good?" I ask, still observing her.

"Yeah- no, fuck, no. I couldn't find my cardigan"

I roll my eyes. "You have tons of those. I thought you lost a kitten or something"

"It's the one Garrett bought for me" 

I frown, trying to remember which cardigan Taryn is fussing about. Oh, right. The knitted black and white cardigan Garrett bought for her last year on our birthday. I try to remember if I've seen the cardigan anywhere and realize that I washed it along the other clothes in laundry last night. "It's outside, I think. I washed it last night"

"Oh?" Taryn blinks, turning to face me. "Well, I don't have to worry then"

Taryn removes her jacket and kicks off her shoes, shamelessly lying down on my bed. I narrow my eyes, as if threatening her but she just grins. I roll my eyes - there is no way I can be angry with her just because she's making herself comfortable on my bed. It's not like I've never slept on her bed when I got drunk.

As I recall the memory, my cheeks flush red. Oh my God, that is literally one of the most embarrassing memories in my entire life. It happened when Taryn and I both turned eighteen - Vivi has taken us down to a small bar nearby college and I only have several glasses, and I became heavily drunk that night that I threw up on Garrett and blacked out.

And obviously, in the morning, I woke up with probably the most horrible headache I've ever experienced, and Taryn has prepared me a hangover soup and pills, and Vivi told me what happened that night. I literally ran to Garrett's apartment to apologize to him and he laughed it off, understanding that it was my first time having alcohol.

I shake my head at the memory and turn my attention on Taryn. "Something's on your mind?"

"Oh. You went out on a date with Cardan"

Ah, here we go. What is Taryn without her little interrogation session? I put my iPad away and stretch my arms, pointedly looking up at the ceiling to avoid Taryn's words. They are not questions, but if you try to interpret her words properly, what she actually means is - how was your date with Cardan?

"Come on. Tell me. Those are quite a purchase" Taryn's perfectly manicured finger points at the paper bags sitting on my dressing table. 

"Mostly Cardan's" I say in a slow voice, but Taryn jumps out of the bed with a raised eyebrow. "Only your first date, and he is already spoiling you? Girl, he's down bad for you!" Taryn shakes my shoulders, and I have to force myself not to push her away. 

"Is he a good kisser?" Taryn asks abruptly.

"Whoa. You're asking me if my boyfriend is a good kisser? Trying to compare him with your own?"

Taryn snorts and brushes a hand in the air. "Just answer the question and stop dodging" 

I roll my eyes and cross my arms in front of my chest. "I think we have about a kiss and a few shared snogs. And, he does look like a good kisser, so yeah" I blush, remembering of the time Cardan and I kissed in his library on the night of our first project discussion meeting. Taryn catches the tiny flush on my cheeks and claps her hands.

"It's been only two days and I am already so excited about your relationship"

"Why am I always surrounded with dramatic people?"

"Us side characters add more spice" Taryn says, giggling excitedly.

I let out a dramatic gasp, covering my mouth with my hand. "Damn, I never know I will listen to Taryn Alana Duarte thinking she is a side character"

"Oh, shut up" Taryn slaps my thigh softly and rolls her eyes.

We both giggle and I quickly dismiss myself from the room as my phone rings. Of course, who else will be calling me out of nowhere - literally unannounced - in the middle of the night if it isn't Cardan? I tap the green button on the screen after closing the door, a smile forming on my face as I hear his voice.

"Hi. Are you feeling better?" I ask as I walk downstairs. Cardan has left the class earlier today, skipping the classes after ten because his fever was getting worse. So, he informed me in advance that he was returning to his apartment to get some rest. And, it is midnight, I hope he is doing perfectly fine right now.

Cardan clears his throat, coughing slightly. "A bit. Might as well get better because I can finally hear your voice" I am certain if he can see the color on my cheeks right now, a big smirk of satisfaction will appear on his horrifyingly beautiful face. I tease my lower lip as I sit on the couch, glancing around to see if Vivi is still not in her bedroom so she won't hear me.

"Cardan, I'm being serious"

He tries to bark a sarcastic laugh, but ends up coughing again. "Nope, definitely not feeling better. I'll be absent tomorrow"

"Yeah. Tell me if you need notes" I say, biting back a chuckle as Cardan starts whining about his assignments. Of course, what is college without procrastination, right? I cross my legs together as I listen to Cardan talking about his purchases on our date yesterday. A date. I really need to get used to this whole date thing.

He talks about his plan for the summer break, about the party he plans - he thinks inviting everyone (over 300 people) in our faculty seems nice for a pool party at one of his dad's resort in Texas. I am absolutely speechless at his idea - literally unused to his big parties.

I know he used to invite a big amount of guests to parties for the last four years, but I have no idea how he manages to keep everyone in check. Maybe, that's the advantage of his family running business like hotels and resorts so he doesn't have to worry about the mess, he can just point fingers at the staff if something goes wrong. Yeah, an asshole.

The asshole that I willingly date.

I shake my head and laugh as Cardan says another joke about his party. I stick with my thought - I have no idea how he's going to manage over 300 people during a two-nights party and I know it is completely absurd. Unless that guy manages to pull that off, I will give him all the credit.

"Cardan" I glance at the clock. "I think it's late already and I'm going to either resume watching Euphoria or go to bed. You know, night routine"

"Okay, one more word, Maddy's hot" Cardan says, bursting into a fit of laughter.

I laugh, rolling my eyes. "Anyone who disagrees have to go to therapy"

We bid each other good night and I stare at my screen for a few good seconds, staring at my wallpaper. It's a picture of Cardan doing my eyeliner at Sephora yesterday - he sent the picture to me, with a short text of one of the customers there follow me on IG, she sent me this, a cute one. 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that is just his way of low-key bragging about him being a literal celebrity in Sephora yesterday. I shake my head as I get on my feet, ascending upstairs to my room while humming some rhythm that suddenly comes in my head. I open the door and find Taryn on her bed, reading a book - of course, another day, another book.

Taryn snaps her book shut and smirks at me. "All two days and you're already answering his call in private?"

"You did the same with Garrett" I snap back with an eye roll.

"Not all the time" Taryn frowns, her stance becoming defensive.

I snort and put my phone on the nightstand, slipping easily under my blanket. I turn off the bed lamp and when I catch Taryn still looking at me suspiciously - or curiously - I shake my head and turn to face the wall. "Go to sleep, Taryn"

Chapter Text

"I still don't like you, you know"

"Same. But you seem like a great company"

I roll my eyes as Valerian follows me around the library, handing me the books to be arranged back on the shelves. It's been two weeks since Cardan and I start dating - start spending more time together with preparing for the presentation - which is tomorrow, by the way - and ever since then, Valerian seems trying to get under my skin all the time.

Not in a way to piss me off, but just being genuinely honest and annoying and also not violent - which is novel to me, by the way.

Maybe that's the effect I have after dating his best friend - which seems to be the only one remaining in their inner circle. Nicasia avoids Locke or any questions about him like he is a disease - a disease of cheater - and Locke seems to have more agenda flirting with girls despite having a new girlfriend. What's her name again? Tilly? Tiffany? When it comes to Locke, no one can really guess.

I take out my library card and take the books from Valerian's arms, handing them to the librarian on duty. She gives me a dirty look, but a sharp glare from Valerian is all she needs to humble herself to resume her work. I stare at him unblinking, confused by his sudden lash out.

I thank the librarian - Lizzy - and scurry out from the library while checking emails from Professor Ivan, informing me about the time for my group's presentation for tomorrow's event. Valerian is following me silently, seems unbothered to spit out any mean comments about my appearance or behavior today. 

"Okay. Why do you keep following me?" I ask, abruptly halting my steps.

"I'm not following you. I'm not some sort of creepy stalker who follows people for no reason"

I raise an eyebrow. "Don't play dumb"

"Okay, fine" Valerian sighs, a look of defeat on his face. "I'm trying to keep Nicasia in line"

"What does that have to do with me?"

The expression on his face seems troubled, as if this is an information he wants to keep to himself, but still need to warn someone about it. Someone who seems to be involved in this. I cross my arms and tilt my head slightly as I look at him, waiting patiently for his explanation. Valerian takes out his phone and reluctantly hands it to me.

Pictures. He is showing me pictures he receives from someone with the name of Mark. Several pictures of two guys - who seem familiar - standing nearby the campus carpark, looking as if like they are taking pictures. I check the next picture and catch sight of blurred blue hair - quickly thinking it is Nicasia. A voice message comes next. Valerian tells me it's a conversation record between Nicasia and the two guys. I try to remember their faces - they seem familiar. Right, the second years who dragged me into an empty storeroom under Nicasia's order. With slightly trembling hands, I tap on the voice message.

"I literally have no fucking idea why he is dating her. That bitch, out of all people. And, if I am not mistaken, Valerian and her sisters are the only people who are aware about their relationship. Get more pictures. She is not getting out of this fucking thing. I'm going to make sure she pay for it"

"You want us to take pictures? Like, follow her and Cardan around, stalking them?"

"Is there any problem? Jude Duarte has earned herself quite a reputation by now. First, those stupid sketches she did for him, and then so suddenly they are working together. And then, instead of siding with me, he fucking drove her to hospital and embarrassed me in front of my classmates. And now, dating her? After this? Fucking her shameless cunt? Cardan Greenbriar has a thing about playing with people beneath him, you know"

"You can't really expect us to take pictures. They'll find out"

"I'll pay you. Any amount you want. All you have to do is do as I say and keep your mouth shut when someone asks you suspicious shit. Do you get me?"

"Yes, miss"

It takes me a whole minute to process what happens in the conversation. Nicasia finds out about my relationship with Cardan when no one else but Valerian and my sisters know. She's been keeping an eye at me ever since I start working with Cardan - it's been two months. She told me to stay away from Cardan and threatened me. And now, she's stalking me? I click my tongue, feeling the anger inside me rising. If Valerian is here, then surely Cardan is the one asking him to keep me as his company when his not around? I look up at Valerian.

His blonde hair is messy - effect from his habit of running his fingers through his hair whenever he almost fall asleep in class. Yes, I am aware of this because I used to sit behind him during middle school and somehow realized it was a habit of his. I ball my fists together, trying to control my temper instead of screaming at him. Valerian is not in fault, and I won't start a scene in the middle of the hallway.

"So, Cardan asks you to stay around me"

"No. He doesn't know about this. I went to Nicasia's house on Thursday to finish our project and found pictures of you and Kai kissing in the car. They were good pictures, but the fact that she kept them, printed them, scared the shit out of me. I can't really tell Cardan about this, he might not believe me"

"Why not?"

"Nicasia is his first friend. Even if she's acting like a total bitch, he will end up defending her. One of the reasons why they got into a relationship in the first place"

I swallow the thick lump on my throat, feeling uneasy at the mention of Cardan and Nicasia's past relationship. Honestly, Nicasia's brain is fucked up. I am dating her ex boyfriend, not her boyfriend. A shameless cunt? What am I? Some sort of a whore or a prostitute at strip clubs? I'm a fucking virgin, for heaven's sake.

If Valerian brings this topic up to Cardan, assuming he won't believe a single word, then what could I possibly gain if I were the one to tell him this? Will he pick Nicasia's side, an over two decades friend - turned girlfriend - turned ex - turned friend or me, his girlfriend who he recently dated after years and years throwing hate and torment on? 

"Play dumb. I don't think she's aware that you know about this"

Valerian grabs my arm, turning me to face him completely. He seems enraged that I am taking this issue lightly. "Play dumb? Look, I honestly don't like you and I will never understand why Kai dates you. But I have no right whatsoever to question his choices. Whatever Nicasia is doing, it is dangerous. It doesn't matter if I know. She will do all she need to do just to ruin yours and Kai's relationship. And, as much as I don't like you, Kai's happiness matters to me. And, he is happy with you. If anything happens, I won't hesitate to kill both you and Nicasia on spot for ruining him"

Valerian releases his tight grip on my arm and turns around, pivoting on his heels as he walks away from me. I blink, completely horrified at his threat of killing me. I feel shiver running down my spine in fear and shrug the feeling off, running into the hallway to the cafe. A nice chocolate drink is what I need right now.

As I step into the cafe, I am greeted by glares by several girls - Cardan's fans. They seem to question Cardan's choice in dating me and the look in their eyes are pure disgust at my low status as well as the fact of me dating Cardan. Taryn was right - dating Cardan will instantly turn me into a campus celebrity. I keep my head down as I bolt towards the counter, too exhausted to listen to them talking absolute shit about my appearance.

Obviously, why would someone like Cardan - a guy with a perfect upbringing, who knows how to dress and socialize with perfect appearance - date me? I wear the same jacket twice a week, wear the same sneakers and sandals for over a year, a girl who seems to be perfectly contented with her simple life. So, when the news about us dating enters the campus grounds, I am pinned to the ground with suspicious glances, suffocates to complete misery at their quick shit-talk.

I know this relationship will eventually get a backlash, but I didn't know people will take this matter like some kind of serious politics issue. Just two students dating after years of rivalries, but just because one of them is of upper class, while the other is of middle class, possibly nearing the low class lifestyle, everyone seems to frown upon the fact we're dating. All because of that fucking lifestyles and upbringings that have been instilled in people's mind as a way to view others.

The higher your status is, the more power you get - which allows you to do whatever shit you want without thinking about the consequences. You can judge people, you can talk shit about them, you can rip their dresses and embarrass them in front of a crowd without worrying about being sued because you have money to make up for it. It's disgusting how we live in a developed country - which foreigners defined as perfect - but still live with the mindset of people from the first century. It's sick and has to be stopped.

I purchase a lasagna and a chocolate drink and look around to find a seat. Maybe if I choose my words properly, Valerian will still follow me like a reluctant puppy so I won't receive dirty looks from people. I take a seat at an empty table nearby the door of the cafeteria, away from prying eyes and stupid mouths of Cardan's fangirls spitting absolute nonsense about me.

I put my tray on the table and put my bag on the vacant seat, taking out my iPad and putting on my wired earphones. Time to resume another episode of Euphoria - oh my God, the last episode was so shocking. The entire thing with Jules and Rue - you're fucking dead to me - and also the whole Cassie-Nate-Maddy case - you fuck my ex and you're fucking crying? - bring me into an absolute speechlessness. Anyway, Maddy is such an icon.

As I take a spoonful worth of lasagna, I feel something soaking the thin material of my tank top from my back. Something sticky - milk? I remain silent as I hear laughter around me, completely frozen in horror at the scene of being alone while a group of girls are cornering me. I slowly pull my earphones, standing up to look at them.

A girl with light brown hair is holding a glass - obviously the one who poured milk on me - is smirking as if she's done something so amusing and laughable. I grit my teeth and my body starts trembling with anger, my fists keep curling in and out to remind me of the last self-control I have before I snap. 

"I was minding my own business, and you poured a fucking glass of milk at me?" I say, trying to remain calm, but fail.

"Anyone saw me pour the milk? No? Where did you get the idea of that, Duarte?"

"Your glass"

She barks a sarcastic laugh, and all the girls surrounding us laugh with her. A gang. A complete, shitty gang of gorgeous girls who think they rule the world. A group of girls with their toxic friendship and backstabbing nature. Girls who can't see people get more advantage than them. 

"You say that just because you see me holding a glass. It's not like there's a proof of me pouring milk on you, Jude Duarte"

I roll my eyes. What in the name of Regina George wannabe is she trying to pull off right now? "First of all, I'm not stupid and I know you poured it on me. Second of all, you know my name, but I don't know yours. Third of all, I don't have any fucking idea why you poured that on me"

Her face turns red, either from anger or embarrassment at my words. I hope both - this type of person needs to be humbled down and not being praised for her mean comments about others when she barely knows them. Even her friends turn silent at my words. I recognize several faces and let out a soft laugh - fucking freshmen.

"What are you laughing about?!" the girl raises her voice, expecting me to flinch. I do not, of course.

"Nothing. I just find it funny that freshmen are aware of me. Has no one ever teach you manners?" I hiss and bring my face closer to hers. Her eyes widen in both horror and humiliation. "Don't try to pull a Disney mean girl wannabe until you know how to respect others, little girl"

I am so fucked up. The girl raises her hand and I immediately close my eyes as I hear the swish sound of the air, preparing for the slap to land on my face. The thing is, if they are triggered by other's opinions, then they will do everything in their power to defeat the other. I wait for the slap but it never comes.

I slowly open my eyes and stumble back to my chair, unable to stifle the gasp that slips out of my mouth. Cardan is towering over everyone, his hand tightly gripping the girl's wrist. His face is white with rage, his pupils darkened with malice, the hard line on his lips shows every bit of cruelty I've forgotten he had. The girl's eyes are wide in surprise, trying to wriggle her wrist out of his hold.

"Cardan, it hurts-"

"You tried to fucking slap my girlfriend, you fucking bitch"

"I did not-"

Cardan's grip twists, and the girl lets out a yelp of pain. "Lila, I watch you from the beginning. Let me remind you something. Yes, our families are business partners, but you hold no such power here. I have the advantage over you, giving my girlfriend the exact advantage. If I ever caught you trying to hurt Jude again, I will not hesitate to ruin your fucking life, you pathetic freshman"

Cardan doesn't waste much time as he releases Lila's hand, putting his jacket to cover my back before taking my bag. I grab my iPad and run after him, keeping my eyes down as we walk out from the cafe. I walk beside Cardan, glancing up at him. His eyes are still dark with anger, and his entire posture seems like they are radiating a very uncomfortable energy of rage.

"Cardan, thank you-"

"You defended yourself. There's no need to thank me. Lila has always been a little bitch and you did well standing up for yourself. I was just there to scare her off"

"Still, my cheek is going to be red now if it weren't for your interruption. So, tha-" my words are cut abruptly as Cardan brushes his thumb against my cheek. His gaze - which was hard with anger - has now soften, gazing affectionately at me. That look. He steps closer and when I feel his breath against my forehead, I quickly look down.

"Look at me, Jude"

I hesitantly raise my head, watching the sparkle in his eyes as he continues to rub my cheek softly. He leans in and places a soft kiss against my lips, and I have to resist the urge to wrap my arms around his neck. I don't want him to end up smelling like a glass of milk, too. It's enough that his jacket smells like the cafeteria's milk, I don't need to ruin his perfect scent too - which has been my favorite scent, I admit.

"My apartment? I'll bake something while you change" Cardan says softly as he pulls away from the kiss.

I smile, and for a moment, the entire thing with Nicasia and Lila doesn't matter to me. "Yeah, sure"

"Pancake? Want some blueberries?"

Both my hands instantly place themselves on the side of my hips, raising a skeptical eyebrow at Cardan as I descend the stairs. Cardan is in the kitchen, reaching for the caramel and pour it on top of the pancake on the obsidian counter. He has a lopsided smile on his face, seem too happy for an early morning of a Saturday.

Yes, I am in Cardan's apartment - I slept here last night and there was no sex. Although the topic has never been brought up ever since we started dating, I believe we have had a silent agreement to not mention it until both of us are ready. Or for this case - at least until I am ready.

Our group presentation ends well with Taryn's perfect script and our enthusiastic way of explaining and speaking. The professors and the dean himself seemed to be satisfied with our project. But, I've heard notorious rumors that those professors don't go easy on final year students - let's hope we have impressed them to render them completely speechless of any malicious comment so we will secure ourselves good grades.

I step into the kitchen and take the seat in front of Cardan, watching his fingers gracefully moving to put blueberries on top of the pancake. Cardan looks up at me with a bright smile but as soon as he sees what I'm wearing, his mouth twitches and slowly forms into a smirk. His eyes darken and pupils slowly dilating, his eyes trailing the skin of my collarbone, and leans back as he drinks in the sight before him. I fiddle with the hem of my shirt - Cardan's shirt - and slowly look away from him.

"Look at me" he says, his voice low almost as if he's holding back a groan.

I tease my lower lip and look up at him, slowly walking to his side, giving him the full view of my body. The grey shirt covers me until the top of my thighs, giving Cardan the full view of my legs, and he unabashedly ogles me. But, it doesn't slip my notice how his fingers twitch, refraining himself from touching me. I step closer and I can hear the loud rhythm of his heartbeat, his eyes filled with desire. I take his hand and place it on my waist. Cardan's breath hitches.

"Fuck" Cardan whispers.

"What is it?" I feel anticipation pooling in my lower abdomen, chanting want all the time.

"You're fucking with me. Who knows you'll look good in my shirt?"

Cardan slowly gives into his desire, his index finger trailing the side of my face. He pushes the hair in front of my face, eyes never leaving mine. His hold on my hips never falter, instead, his hold tightens as he pulls me closer. The heady scent of moss, oakwood and leather are clouding my senses again. Cardan's face inches closer, his smirk growing bigger as he detects the desire in my eyes. He cups my face and kisses my forehead. "Tell me to stop and I will stop"

"No" I try to remain calm, but my voice and expression betray me. "Don't stop, Kai"

Cardan groans and lifts me up, putting me on top of the counter. "Say my name again"

"Cardan Kai" I bite my lip, attempting to hide the grin, but to no avail. Cardan barely stifles a groan before slamming our lips together. This is not like the kiss we've shared in the car - soft, slow, passionate and understanding - but this is filled with burning desire and a feeling that words seem to never can explain. Cardan bites my lips and I gasp, allowing his tongue an entrance to explore my mouth. Our tongues find each other just at the same time our fingers tangle in each other's hair, pulling and pushing for more.

Cardan's free hand slips between my thighs, kneading the soft flesh, eliciting a loud sigh from me. His lips start trailing kisses down my jaw, his teeth grazing the skin of my neck before biting hard. I let out a startled gasp, but his sucks softly, soothing the pain. I relax against his hold and he puts a distance between us, studying my flushed face.

"Are you sure you don't want to stop? Because, once we start, I will not go back until I get exactly whatever the fuck I want from you"

I have no experience in love or sex, but I am very experienced in the act of provocation. Thus why, despite knowing that whatever Cardan has in mind is not a good idea, I crave for it. I want it - I want him to get it from me. I want him. "No, don't stop"

Cardan grips my face by holding my chin, forcing me to look up at him. "Look at me and say what you want, darling"

"I want you" I say, my voice coming out breathless.

"What do you want, Jude?"

Cardan's fingers twitch as he draws small circles on my knees, telling me the little amount of patience he has left in him. His eyes are as dark as one's eyes can be - expressing how many wicked things he wants to do with me and to me. I wonder how long he has been holding himself. I know he wants me, but this is a topic we have never speak about. But I can see the way he looks at me in the hall, in his car, after we kiss, while our limbs are tangled together in his bed, while we're walking together. And, there were days where I purposefully wear miniskirt to class and he stared at my legs, literally spacing out until I have to pinch his arm to pull him back to earth.

"Please, touch me" I say, trying to sound calm, but the tremor in my voice shows how desperate I am for his touch. "Please, Cardan. Touch me"

His fingers slowly trail my inner thigh, while his other hand squeezes my thigh, eyes never leaving me. The word please is at the very edge of my tongue, resisting the urge to ask him to go faster. At this point, I can just come undone by the intensity of his stare and the teasing movement of his fingers. My chest starts heaving as if I've just returned from a marathon, unable to stifle the sigh that comes out of my mouth.

I roll my hips slowly - a very small movement, just to make sure Cardan doesn't see it, but he does. He removes any skin contact we have, and I let out a frustrated groan. Cardan laughs, the sound dark and arousing, and I press my thighs together to give myself some friction. If he doesn't want to do it, I can do it myself.

After all, it's not like I haven't come at my fantasies about him two nights ago.

Cardan remains silent as he studies me. If this is a whole different scenario, I might want to be stared at, but right now, I just want him to touch me and render me thoughtless with every little wicked imagination he has in mind. Cardan presses both hands on my knees, spreading my legs. He pushes the shirt covering my thighs away and I lift my hips up for him, and Cardan lets out a stuttered groan as he catches sight of my satin knickers.

I am so going to buy Taryn the new Dior saddle bag for persuading me into purchasing this undergarment. 

Cardan lets out a satisfied, breathy laugh as his index finger presses against the center of my knickers. I gasp at the abrupt touch, trying to clamp my thighs again, but Cardan pins me with a warning gaze. "You're so fucking wet for me" he inches closer, his finger pressing softly and the tip of his nail grazing lightly.

"Have anyone else see you like this?" he presses harder, and I let out a sigh. Shit, that feels good.

"No, I'm a virgin" I whisper, too breathless to even stare at him.

Cardan smiles. "Fingers?"

"Only mine" I say, trembling with desire.

Cardan pushes my knickers aside, and when I feel his middle finger circling my clit, I close my eyes and let out a loud moan. "What are you fantasizing about, my darling Jude?" Cardan's voice is as manipulating as the movement of his fingers can be, and I place both arms on the counter, balancing myself.

"You" I say, keeping my eyes shut.

Cardan circles another finger on my clit, giving more pressure, and grabs my neck. "Look at me in the eyes and say that again" he whispers, kissing the tip of my ear softly. 

I open my eyes and look at him, rolling my hips slightly to get the friction I want, but Cardan's grip on my neck tightens - asking me to obey him. I gasp and grasp him by his shoulders. "Cardan, please, please, please. I want you. Please don't do this-" my words are halted abruptly as Cardan plunges a finger into my folds.

I don't dare to close my eyes, so I watch the way his finger moves, hitting the right spot that has me clenching around his finger. Cardan chuckles and pulls me in for a kiss, his tongue slipping into my mouth at ease as if he's memorized everything. He adds another finger and I unintentionally bite his lips - it surprises me - and Cardan hisses.

His other hand slips under my shirt - his shirt - and starts roaming the length of my torso, eliciting another sigh from me. His fingers move faster, and instead of teasing my clit with light strokes, he plunges his fingers deeper and change the pace of his thrust abruptly. He squeezes my thighs, pushing me so I lie down on top of the counter. 

"Fuck, you're beautiful. You're so fucking tight- fuck, Jude" Cardan's voice drops low, his eyes never leaving me and I grip his arms and start moving my hips to match his thrust. I let out a loud moan and Cardan silences me with a kiss, before pulling away again to look at me. His breathing starts to become ragged, and when he brushes a spot - a sensitive one - and I yelp.

The pressure starts building in and my mouth becomes extremely loose again, starting to beg and plead and making noises that I never know I am capable of doing. At one time of this lifetime, I might have think how embarrassing this whole thing is, but right now, this might be the moment that I would like to watch on repeat for the rest of my life. Cardan's mouth finds my neck, kissing and licking and sucking as he keeps thrusting his fingers, harder and faster, causing my moans to turn into loud noises.

"Cardan- I'm, I'm close. Please, Cardan. Don't stop, just please don't stop. Please go faster, please, please, please - oh" my body becomes completely still, my thighs shake, and my mouth hangs wide open as I feel my orgasm dripping down my cunt. Cardan's eyes are wide with pride as he slips his fingers out, his eyes slowly moving towards me.

"Fuck" he whispers.

Cardan helps me to stand on my toes, my thighs are still shaking from the intensity of the orgasm I just had. He washes his hand quickly and goes back to me and instead of the dark eyes he had just now, his gaze softens and he tilts his head, studying me silently. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am. That was-"

"You should change. I mean, surely you're not gonna wear soaked knickers for an entire day. Wash up" he says, his voice slowly becomes guarded and distant.

I instantly look up at him and Cardan pointedly looks away from me, and I have to resist the urge to stomp on his feet. "Why are you talking to me like that?"

"Like what?" he asks, looking up at the cabinets in front of him. 

"Like- I don't know. You always do that. One moment you're giving me everything, and then the next you'll start to avoid me, being cold. I'm your girlfriend, Cardan. Not just a former nemesis that you-"

Cardan grips me by my shoulders and looks at me. "Hey, I'm not avoiding you. I just need a fucking wank and I need you to go upstairs first so I can wank to the thoughts of fucking you. Get upstairs, go wash up and we'll have breakfast and we're gonna discuss the whole sex thing"

I blink, too stunned to form words, and after a few seconds, start laughing. "Yeah. Go on. I'm washing up. Can I still keep this on?" I tug at the collar of the shirt.

Cardan's lips curl up into a smile and he kisses the tip of my nose, laughing softly. "Sure. Off you go"

I continue to laugh as I walk up the stairs, hearing a rumbling sound as Cardan slams the bathroom door. I slip into Cardan's room, finding the bed completely unmade and I instantly am reminded of Vivi's non-stop reminder - don't leave your bed unmade in your boyfriend's house. That's embarrassing - and I feel heat rising to my cheeks. I walk up towards the bed and start arranging the pillows and putting the blanket back in place - why would someone who lives alone has ten pillows in his own room?

Vivi and Taryn have been the most supportive sisters ever since Cardan and I start dating. Well, maybe not entirely. Vivi likes Cardan as a person and despite thinking he is a good boyfriend for me, she is still suspicious of him, especially after all the fights we have had in the past. Taryn, however, is the most insufferable person I have ever known - every time I am not going out with Cardan or spending time at his apartment, she will take me out to buy new clothes or learn new makeup tricks.

So, thank you to my sister for persuading me to buy that damn satin knickers.

And, thanks to Cardan, Taryn always turns me into her Barbie doll every time she teaches me makeup tricks - exclude the blonde and blue eyes parts.

I discard my clothes and step into the shower, turning on the tap. I let the water run through my hair as I think of the events that have happened for the week. Valerian, Lila and Nicasia. She came to see me two nights ago at my house with an excuse she wanted to borrow my notes. I know well that was not her truest intention, but I played dumb and let her come anyway, to see what she was about to do. As expected, after making sure we were both alone, she threatened me to break up with Cardan.

Considering how defenseless and friendless she was at the time, I didn't react to her threat, which infuriated her more. That girl literally came to my house and expect me to feel threatened with her mild threat? Break up with Cardan or I'll make sure you regret this. She's all looks and talks when it comes to Cardan - her words that night humored me a lot. You have no idea how much Cardan means to me. I am barely functioning with him -  oh my God, so dramatic. 

If she's barely functioning, then why bother thinking about getting back with Cardan? How about going to Locke back, instead?

I snort at the impossible thought and reach out for the shower gel. This is not my first time using Cardan's bath set, so it doesn't really bother me at this point. I clean myself up from head to toe and pick a fluffy towel and wrap it carefully around my body. I step out and pick out a new set of undergarments, putting on a pair of khaki jeans and match it up with Cardan's shirt. His shirt is not too big for my body, it is more about his height that has the shirt covering half of my thighs.

I take my bag and phone and leave the room. I peak from the stairs and catch sight of Cardan arranging the pancakes and orange juices. I bite my lips as I watch the way his hands move, the way his fingers flexing as he taps them on the table, instantly thinking of what just happened with those fingers. Really, I can never think of those fingers properly anymore.

I walk downstairs and slip into a chair facing Cardan, smiling at him. He grins and tugs at my hair playfully before taking his seat. "So, I put blueberries. You're okay with them?"

"Yeah, I like blueberries"

"Right. Let's not beat around the bush" Cardan says, picking his pancake.

I blink at him, unsure of what I'm supposed to say regarding the topic. A cold horror starts creeping in inside of me as I feel he is going to act cold again just like he did after being decent to me all the other time. "Wait. You're not going to break up with me if I'm not ready for sex, aren't you?"

"No. I'm not going to break things with you just because you're not ready for sex. For heaven's sake, I'm not sex deprived. And, relationship is not only about sex, you know? It's about teamwork and understanding. Let's say, we have a misunderstanding. I see you with a guy, you see me with a girl, we both assumed one another cheats. And we will ignore each other. What will you do?"

I press my lips together and shrug my shoulders. "Just- stay silent? I mean, I'm not cheating, I have nothing to explain"

"Okay, will you accuse me of cheating just because you see me holding hands with other girls?"

Cardan studies me intently, waiting for my answer. "I- I don't know. Just explain yourself and things will be cleared" I frown, feeling pressured under his stare and the tone of his voice - as if he is interrogating me. "Why are you asking me this question?"

Cardan doesn't say anything to answer my question, but instead, he pushes for another question. "What will you do if you were caught cheating? Will you deny it, or will you admit and tell me the truth?"

I clench my teeth and stab the pancake with my fork, glaring at Cardan. Aren't we suppose to discuss about consent and sex? "Stop interrogating me. You said you won't beat around the bush. Why are we discussing things that are not even involved in the topic?"

"You're not answering my question, Jude. You said, if you saw me with other girls, I will need to explain that I am not cheating. But when I said about catching you cheating, you dodged my question. Will you explain yourself or will you let me decide?"

I wet my lips and stare at my pancake, feeling anger rising inside me as Cardan continues to pressure me with his stare. He doesn't say a word anymore, persistent of waiting for my answer. If Cardan was caught cheating, he will explain and apologize, no matter the truth or not. But if I were in the same situation? The lack of romance in my life is really taking an advantage on me. 

"I'll explain, I guess?"

Cardan raises an eyebrow. "Set your spine straight"

"That's my answer. What else do you expect me to say?"

"You're not being fair. You said I have to explain if you assumed me to be cheating, but you said you don't have to. But, if you were really cheating, you will explain. Do you mean I will need to say it in both scenarios?"

"I never said that!" I say, denial completely etching across my face. "I just told you what I would do, but I never said you have to explain for both scenarios. I just said-" then it hits me. Cardan is right - I'm being unfair. I shut my mouth and cross my arms, pointedly looking away from him. I really can't win against him at this point, right? Cardan is more experienced when it comes to relationship, so he surely knows more about this.

And although I've never been in one - making him the first - I've seen Cardan with his past girlfriends since middle school. They either broke up on good terms or Cardan got cheated on. Cardan always got cheated on. It is not something new at all at some point, but his loyalty in his past relationships mean he is actually a good boyfriend no matter how horrible he can be towards others. He has every right to ask me these kind of questions if he has had enough of his past relationships.

"I'm sorry. You're right, I'm unfair"

"I'm not faulting you, Jude. I just want to tell you what teamwork and understanding are. I trust you, Jude. I'm not saying I'm a victim from my past relationships, but this is real world. I really want to know what you will do because-"

"I know. I'm sorry" I walk up towards Cardan and place a hand on his shoulders. Cardan wraps an arm around my waist and pull me to sit on his lap, burying his head in the crook of my neck, breathing the scent of his own shampoo. His hand shots up to reach for my cheek, smiling as he caresses it. I laugh softly.

"Are you always like this? Clingy, soft?" I say, ignoring the heat coming to my cheeks.

Cardan chuckles and traces a finger on my collarbone, and my breath hitches. "Not really. I just really like you"

I laugh and peck his lips before leaping out of his hold. I return to my seat and resume eating my pancake, watching the tip of Cardan's ears turning red. He extents his hand and takes mine, caressing my knuckles softly as he studies my face. The look on his face is affectionate, full of passion, and adoration. I ignore the return of heat to my cheeks as I offer him a spoon of the pancake. 

"You wanna feed me?"

"Can I?"

Cardan laughs and inches closer to take a bite from my spoon. He does the same and I laugh as he pokes my nose and leaves a cream on the tip of my nose. I do the same and I run away to the living room, escaping Cardan before he can get any revenge. But Cardan leaps faster. Before I can even get pass the long couch, he pulls me back and my back hits his chest, and he turns me as his chest vibrates with laughter. I hit his chest with my fists softly, before Cardan lifts me up until we are both seated on the couch. And, I'm sitting on his lap.

"This feels nice" I say, resting my head against his chest.

We continue to talk about random things, about classes, discussing topics that will come up in our exams and as well as gossips about celebrities. We talk and talk, not realizing how much time has passed, only stopping to order some Chinese food for lunch and sit together in the living room while we decide on what show we're going to watch. Cardan fights for The Queen's Gambit while I insist we watch Euphoria - no matter how many times I've watched the show. In the end, we watch Anne With An E.

Evening comes, and we only realize we've spent hours lying together while watching shows when Caelia screams from Cardan's phone to go for his weekly family dinner.

"So, I'll see you later?" I say, reluctantly walking to the door.

"Yeah. You're going to the pool party?"

"Sure. I don't wanna miss the fun"

Chapter Text

Taryn and I rush out of Vivi's car, ignoring her screaming to remind us to behave knowing damn well no one behaves at party - especially a pool party. From here, I can see lantern lights flashing every color one can name and hear the loud scream of people having fun. Taryn squeals excitedly, taking my hand as we walk into the resort building. We head straight to the receptionist counter and the woman dressed in black frowns upon seeing identical twins standing in front of her.

"Hello, ladies. What can I help you for today?"

Taryn smiles. "We're here for Summer's Pool Party?"

The woman smiles. "Wow, so many guests that young chap has. Names?"

Jude Dua-" the woman looks at me and brushes me off. "You can go. Your name's been checked in"

Taryn and I blink but I quickly tighten the sash around my waist to wrap the thin cardigan around me as I make my way towards the pool. I wait for Taryn and after almost three minutes, she arrives with a slightly annoyed look. I laugh and she slaps my arm. The music is way too loud that I barely hear what Taryn says so I avert my eyes to the arch entrance of the pool, looking for Cardan.

I pull Taryn towards the entrance and greet the other students standing there. Cardan was exaggerating when he said he's inviting over three-hundred people, he can't barely stand all five of his older siblings in the same roof. From first glance, I can tell there are about sixty to eighty people around the pool. A few of them are playing games in the pool, some are playing games and taking shots after shots of tequila, while some have small talks on the couch at the edge of place. And the others - well, they are making out.

Taryn offers me a glass of wine and I reluctantly take it from her, barely paying her any attention as my eyes move around to look for Cardan. He should have been here by now, right? Or- maybe he is intending to show up late as the head of the party. But, that can't be possible. Valerian is already playing in the pool, laughing and shouting as if there is no tomorrow. Locke is also here, his eyes are ogling every girls walking pass him - I roll my eyes to resist the urge to puke. And Nicasia is sitting with a bunch of girls who I don't recognize, laughing and clapping their hands.

It's such a rare sight to not see the four of them walking together. I mean, of course it has been a while - ever since Nicasia cheated on Cardan, he and Locke are turning cold shoulders on each other - but it's still weird to not see them hanging around and causing troubles. Locke is obviously not making any effort to explain his ugly behavior, and Cardan has also made no effort to clear the bullshit between them.

Occasionally, I catch Valerian talking to Nicasia in the college's hallway, their voices are kept low as if they don't want others to hear their discussion. I wonder if Valerian actually confronted Nicasia regarding her creepy stalking behavior and threatened to end her life if she fucked up. Yes, I know he is doing all that because Cardan is like a brother to him, but surely, there is something so fucked up in his brain that has him so comfortably using violence against others. 

"You've got the girlfriend privilege" Taryn says, raising her voice slightly to gain my attention.

I take another shot of the tequila, frowning at her. "What privilege?"

"Your name's been checked in. Cardan or insiders must have done that after he told them you're his girlfriend"

"What does that have to do with privilege?"

"The Greenbriar family privilege. You haven't heard of it? Partners of any Greenbriars get this privilege on most of their events, be it annual gala or random college parties like this. Garrett explained to me that this privilege allows you to literally do anything in any of the Greenbriar lands as long as you don't invade their privacies"

"Such a thing exists?"

Taryn laughs, and loops an arm around mine. "Let's say you're a special one. Cardan has never let anyone else use this privilege before, he kept it to himself. Not even Nicasia knows about this despite trying her best to admit she was his girlfriend"

I roll my eyes and pull Taryn away from the tequila table. Yes, that's enough alcohol for her tonight - I am so not going to let her embarrass herself again. The party will last until Sunday and Thursday night is not a good time to get drunk when this is my first ever party - not Taryn's, she's been to a few small parties with Garrett for the past two years. And, as I can recall, she's never returned home drunk. Or at least, in the morning.

Let's hope I am not going to get drunk tonight - that memory from my eighteenth birthday was embarrassing enough.

"You girls are here!" Garrett beams at us and Taryn immediately slips out of my hold, resting her cheek against her boyfriend's bare chest. I resist the urge to puke and roll my eyes, earning a confused look from Garrett before we both start laughing. It seems like Taryn is not completely sober at all.

Garrett wraps an arm around Taryn's waist and I walk by his other side, following him because I have no intention of getting lost in such a big place while looking for my boyfriend who seems to never want to arrive at the right time. I mean, this fact should not really surprise anyone because Cardan is also late to his family's formal events. So, it really isn't a big deal if he is late to a party.

Garrett offers me another shot of tequila and when Taryn tries to snatch it from his hand, he quickly dodges her and flicks her forehead. I laugh, not entirely surprised with my twin's low alcohol tolerance. That must have to do with our bloodline's low alcohol tolerance. Mom literally can't drink at all - one shot and she will start to spit complete nonsense. How do I know this? This is literally the only thing my mom's family talk about every year during New Year's Eve - you know, the Chinese New Year's Eve.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but it is at least one of the things my family joke about during the celebration. You would think after years of growing up and living with Chinese relatives - with all their extravagant red and gold and orange accessories - I will get used to them, right? Well, it's a love-hate thing. For some reasons, I love going to my grandparents' house for the celebrations, but the noises actually irritate me sometimes. Especially when you have a bunch of Chinese relatives and cousins who shout at each other despite being ten inches apart.

Anyways, I still love them all. If it weren't because of them, I might not know how to survive my middle school Mandarin classes - Mrs. Lang was a complete monsters to us thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old kids - so, I owe them for teaching me Chinese all the time. I glance at Garrett and just smile as he looks at me hopelessly as if asking me to help him with his half-sober girlfriend.

"You're an expert at that. You went to parties together, you're used to this, I take?"

"She's not usually this drunk. Fucking tequila, who are you joking with? God, Taryn, hold on" Garrett takes Taryn's right arm and lifts her up from the ground, and she smiles before letting herself sleep in his arms. Garrett sighs.

"Fucking hell, she's really drunk over five shots of tequila. Is she drugged or something?" I say, eyeing my sister suspiciously.

"I'll take her to my room. No, I won't have sex with your sister while she's drunk or drugged. I'm not a fucking low piece of shit, dude" his voice turns defensive as I raise an eyebrow.

"How long have you been dating? Five years? I know what kind of person you are, bro. No worries, just take her. I don't wanna deal with a drunk twin tonight"

"Yeah, go fuck your boyfriend, then" Garrett laughs and I throw a plastic cup at him as he walks away with a sleeping Taryn in his arms. I ignore the rising color to my cheeks as I make my way to sit by the pool, looking at people splashing water and throwing ball and playing games, while shaking my legs and wrapping my cardigan to hide my body.

I take my phone and check my texts, to see if Cardan has texted me. No, no texts or missed calls. Where the fuck is this guy? He should have at least informed me his whereabouts or maybe tell me what he is up to at this moment. It's already half past nine and he hasn't given any signal to show up. I glance around and while I am distracted, I feel water sipping into the thin cotton of my cardigan. I look down and find a shirtless Valerian smirking at me as he rests both arms on the side of the pool.

"Oh, out of all people, it's you?" I roll my eyes, tightening my sash.

Valerian hoists himself up and sits beside me, grinning teasingly. "What? Come on, aren't we like, the best duo? Partners in crime?"

"Ew. Are you on drugs? When have we ever been the best duo? Every time I see you, I want to fucking punch you in the face" I punch his arms, and Valerian laughs before slipping back into the pool, splashing another set of water at me. I kick his shoulder and Valerian loses his balance, falling deeper into the pool. 

"You wanna play water fight? I'm looking for a partner" Valerian says, splashing more water at me.

I give him a rude gesture and glare. "Don't fucking splash the water or I'm not playing whatever fight you want me to be involved"

"Cool" Valerian pulls me and I hit him when I almost choke on the pool water. I punch his arm and Valerian hoists me up, and I reluctantly sit on his shoulders, careful enough to avoid any unnecessary skin contact. High school me will definitely choke him with my thighs until he can't breath, so, this is such a rare sight. Valerian hooks both arms to balance ourselves, and using all strength I have, I start pushing at my opponent.

With the amount of taekwondo fights I've won in the past, I doubt I will need Valerian to win this round of the fight. I can just easily kick them into the water and call the game a day. Okay, with the amount of taekwondo fights I've won and earned medals and trophies in probably middle school, why didn't I just fight Valerian when he was about to push me down the stairs all of those years before? With that, at least I can save my unfortunate ass from more unfortunate shits.

Valerian surges forward and I raise both hands to push our opponents - Michael and Lizzy - who seem to not want to lose at all. Seriously, Michael is all limbs and bones - it should not be that hard to trick them into unbalance. And then, there's Lizzy who is like a popular soft girl who knows absolute shit about sports and fights - but she seems more like an expert in this game.

I let out a loud scream and with the new surge of adrenaline, I use all my strength and finally, Lizzy lets out a defeated scream and falls into the water. Valerian's fist goes up to the air, letting out a scream of victory. Everyone screams and cheers for us - ignoring how loud the noise has become - and as I turn my head, I catch sight of a familiar midnight hair, and when Valerian finally lifts me off of him, I realize it is Cardan. 

He's crouching with a stick of cigarette and a glass of tequila in his hands, eyeing me with dark eyes - he doesn't seem impressed despite the amount of clapping he's doing. I swim to the edge of the pool, smiling at him as I rest both hands on the side of the pool. I hoist myself up and despite how quick I am to tighten the sash around my waist, I catch Cardan's eyes eyeing the exposed skin of my thighs as I sit beside him. 

"You're late" I say, offering him a kiss on the cheek.

Cardan doesn't look at me as he tosses his cigar away. "You seem to be having a lot of fun with Val"

His voice is unbelievably cold, so I take a closer look at him. After catching the brief display of emotions in his eyes, I bark a hysterical laugh. "Are you- jealous?"

"Nah, I'm not" denial is obvious in his voice.

I let out another laugh and takes his glass, drinking the remaining alcohol in it. Cardan rolls his eyes and pulls me closer, burying his head in the crook of my neck - kissing and nipping at my skin - and I have to hold myself from making any obscene sounds. This is definitely not something that is supposed to be happening in front of a bunch of other people.

Cardan places both my legs on top of his, his lips never leaving any skin he can get with my cardigan still on. I look around, unsure if this is the right time to really make out. I pull myself away from Cardan and he looks at me, completely puzzled. "Don't give me that look"

"Oh, come on. I just wanna kiss you"

"Not here, Cardan" I whisper, looking away for a second and when my eyes catch Nicasia looking at me - fume in her expression - an idea comes to my head. I pull Cardan up with me and stand on my toes to reach him, giving him a slow kiss on his lips, the tip of my fingers trailing the length of his torso. "How about we take this somewhere else?"

"Somewhere only you can have access to? I have plenty"

Cardan leans back and kisses the tip of my nose, twirling his finger on my sash. I slap his hand away and giggle, resting our forehead against each other. I cradle both his cheeks and glance around to find Nicasia still looking at us. Look, I'm not the kind of person to really start a drama in front of people - unless if my anger takes control over me - but there's something so enjoyable about messing with Nicasia. 

Look, Valerian might think she's dangerous or a complete psycho, and I won't deny that - I am completely aware of her stalking behavior but I know she's not aware of my knowledge. I have no idea if Nicasia is aware about Valerian keeping an eye over her, but that certainly isn't something I want to discuss right now. I won't say anything and just live my life unless she chooses to get violent and physical. But, as far as I can recall, she couldn't even throw a fucking tennis ball without whining about how hot the temperature is.

"I didn't book any room. I wasn't planning to stay here, so I'm not sure where we're supposed to go"

Cardan laughs. "You're not planning to stay? So, what? Vivi's gonna drive you every night and fetch you?"

"I mean- that sounds like some shit I made up in my head"

"What a waste of time. How about you stay in my suite?"

I slip away from his hold and intertwine our fingers together, examining all the rings on his knuckles. His signet ring is glinting under the moonlight and I remember the morning he had his fingers inside me. I wet my lips and let Cardan covers my hand with his - looking up to find him smiling brightly. He kisses my forehead and pulls me to the dance floor, starting to move his hips towards the music. I laugh and when he spins me around, I yelp.

"Cardan, I don't dance!" I shout, fighting the volume of the music.

Cardan smirks and twirls me around faster, before pulling me back into his arms. Soon enough, everyone starts joining us on the dance floor, singing, screaming and moving their hips to the groovy music and jumping around to let go of their stress after the damn finals that have everyone putting their literal lives on edge. Okay, maybe I am the only one being dramatic.

Well, I really don't know how to dance, so I am not sure as to how I am supposed to move myself to the music. With Taryn blacking out five minutes into the party because of her horrible alcohol tolerance, I really am not sure as to how I should behave here. Really, parties should not be that hard. I've watched Euphoria and other high school drama shows for way too much - I know water fights and games to force people into multiple shots, dancing should be the easiest part of all these.

Finally gaining the confidence with Cardan constantly provoking me to dance with him, I remove the sash on my waist and reveal the black bikini underneath my cardigan. Cardan instantly clicks his tongue, his eyes darkening as he eyes me from head to toe, taking in the sight of me wearing barely any clothing before pulling me closer. I giggle softly as he kisses the skin of my neck, pushing my cardigan until he manages to taste the skin of my shoulder.

I laugh and pull away from him, spinning and spinning until I reach the buffet table. I pour two cups of tequila and crook a finger towards Cardan, directing him to come closer to me. Cardan smirks and as soon as he takes a cup from me, he laughs and lifts me up so I'll be seated on the table. He looks up at me with a mischievous grin as he places a hand on my thigh, and I drink my tequila, kissing him softly.

"You're enjoying this way too much" Cardan says, his lips on my neck again.

"I'm at a party. I'm supposed to be enjoying myself, you idiot"

"Come on, now. Let's go to my suite"

I laugh and let him pull me, ignoring literally every stares I'm receiving for enjoying myself way too much. By all means, I am also ignoring Nicasia who is practically glaring daggers at me. Oh my, this is a party! Free of threats, free of studies, free of exams, free of problems, free of stress - just a few days and nights living my best and having fun with alcohol, lantern lights, music that fucks my eardrums and also just my boyfriend. Why bother about someone's psychotic ex who just seem to never get over the fact her ex is dating someone else? No fucking use.

Oh, fucking get over it!

We arrive at Cardan's suite after minutes of just giggling and drinking and tossing cups in the elevator, collapsing to the nearest couch in the living room. Cardan hovers over me, peppering kisses all over my face and neck and shoulder, laughing and giggling mixing together with my squeals and surprised yelps. Not in a bad way, at least. 

"Do you wanna have sex?" I push Cardan down, trailing my fingers down his bare chest.

Cardan laughs and takes my hand, looking at me affectionately. "Right now? As in, on the couch?"

"Wherever you like, really. I don't really mind" I say, smirking as I lean down to kiss him. Cardan pulls away and sits on the couch, holding my hands in his. I frown as I look at him - the expression on his face looks like as if he is studying me and my brain. 

"How many shots did you have?" Cardan says, but when I dodge the question by trying to kiss him, he pulls away, looking at me cautiously. "Jude, how many shots did you have?"

I roll my eyes. "I don't know. Are we supposed to bother about how much we drink at a party?" I say, annoyance completely obvious in my voice. Who wouldn't be annoyed if someone keeps asking about how many shots did you have at a fucking pool party? I mean, no one is supposed to be bothered by that.

"If you want to have sex, then you have to be completely sober. We can't fuck if you're under alcohol influence, Jude"

"Cardan, I'm sober. I'm literally thinking straight right now. Stop worrying, you have my fucking consent"

Cardan doesn't seem pissed off or annoyed with me, but he seems to worry. What is it that he is so worried about? I am not drunk - I am completely able of thinking straight and I am obviously not under any alcohol's influence. Where is Taryn anyway? One moment I remember walking into the party with her, and the next time she disappears just like that.

Ah, who cares where she is right now. That girl is either sleeping her drunk ass off or fucking Garrett in some small hotel unit while I'm here in Cardan's massive suite that seem to give me more and more privilege as his girlfriend. I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow at Cardan, studying him as he leans against the couch, looking at me with a concerned look.

"Where's your sister?"

"Why do you bother?" I say, moving into a defensive stance.

"You're fucking drunk. I can't have sex with you right now"

"Cardan, I'm not drunk! I'm doing just-" I stand up and trip on my toe, ends up falling into Cardan's arms. Cardan sighs and I giggle, playing with the hair falling down from his face. He smiles, and although my vision is getting blurry - which I have no fucking idea why - I catch sight of Cardan whispering something to me despite the words being indecipherable.

I hear soft voice as I feel m body being lifted up from whatever awkward position I'm in, and a moment later, I feel myself lying down on a soft bed with the most comfortable pillows I've ever placed my head on. I feel the slight shift of weight on the bed, and find Cardan tucking the blanket around us as he lies beside me. He inches closer and turns to face me, the tip of his nose brushing against mine. I can smell the scent of tequila on his breath, but I'm too intoxicated to even make a complain.

I feel his fingers brushing against my cheek, removing the hair covering my face. He places a soft kiss on my forehead and places an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "No worries, Jude. I'll wait until you're sober and ready"

"Hmm, goodnight, Cardan"

"Goodnight, Jude. I love you"

I might hear his last words wrongly, but what can possibly be true when I'm too drunk to even set my priorities straight? That night, I fall asleep with Cardan's arms draping around my waist, my whole body feeling comforted and contented with his familiar warmth. And for the first time, I feel like if anything goes bad, I have Cardan to be on my side.

Chapter Text

"Shit!"

Okay, let's have a brief story time. So I wake up at about half past eight - yes, the sun is already up and it feels like shit - and I am right now suffering from this horrible headache because of the alcohol I have consumed last night. Seriously, Jude Duarte? What was I thinking that got me so intoxicated for the rest of the night? I have promised to not get drunk after Taryn started wobbling on her feet because of her fucking low alcohol tolerance problem, and I also ended up drunk.

The best part is, I don't have any idea where I am right now. I must have blacked out last night because the last thing I can remember is kissing and drinking and laughing and dancing with Cardan, completely ignorant towards my other problems. I mean, I do remember what happened before I blacked out - did I really black out? - because I remember having water fight with Valerian as my partner because Cardan showed up late at the party. I remember talking to Garrett and laughing at him handling the tipsy Taryn. And, considering that my last memory was with Cardan, it is safe to assume I'm in his place.

Where or which one, I can't guess. With him, no one can guess which house he is staying. This is my first time coming to this hotel - I've been to his family's hotels before for tournaments - so I really have no clue how the rooms look like. This might be his other apartment or this might be his suite in this resort. The fact that this bedroom is bigger than my bedroom combined with mine and Taryn's closets renders me completely speechless.

Okay, but there is another problem than my current location right now. You would think I will wake up with a smile and walk straight out of the bedroom to look for Cardan, right? Well, that certainly will be the first thing I do in the morning ever since I start sleeping in Cardan's room every Friday and Saturday nights. But, to wake up with my first word literally saying shit, surely that means I am in a deep trouble. 

Do you want to know what the problem is? Here. I take my phone and scroll through my texts, catching sight of an unknown number with over ten notifications. Look, I do not have many numbers in my contacts. Mostly just people I'm close with or people I work with - mom, dad, my sisters, their partners and close friends, Valerian and Cardan, and also some numbers of people I keep contact with. This number is completely foreign - and the amount of irritation I receive is almost too much for my anger.

You really think you can have Cardan forever? Bitch, you can rot in hell and I will be glad while I slip back into Cardan's life. I don't even understand why he likes you in the first fucking place. You're hardly an eye candy - I doubt he actually likes you

And then, this unknown number sent me several pictures from last night. Mostly pictures of Cardan and I at the pool party. I should be relieved they didn't get to take pictures of us in this suite, but, no one feels relieved when they realize they are being stalked by their boyfriend's creepy and psychotic ex. I sigh and put the phone back on the nightstand, kicking the blanket off myself.

When I look down at my body, I realize I am still clad in the same black bikini and cardigan. I look around, checking to see if there is something I have forgotten. We didn't have sex, right? I'm pretty sure Cardan wouldn't agree to have sex with me while I was drunk. Unless, he was also drunk - but how did I end up here anyway? Did Cardan carry me from the party and let me sleep here? I gnaw at my lower lip and walk out from the room as I rushingly tighten the sash around my waist.

"Cardan?"

I head straight to the living room and catch sight of a bag - my bag? Relax, Taryn or Garrett or both of them must've send my clothes bag while I was living my best life sleeping on the softest mattress one can ever get a chance on being on. I unzip it and take out a white shirt, slipping into it and head straight into the kitchen, finding Cardan sitting at the counter with his hand under his chin, staring blankly at the wall in front of me.

He must be so deep in his thought that he doesn't realize I pull the chair in front of him. I take my moment to study his face, unable to deny his horrifying beauty despite it being morning and everyone is either still blackout drunk or rushing to get whatever they need to get ready. But, Cardan? He seems to be effortlessly beautiful no matter what time it is.

His eyes are as dark as woods and sky in the middle of the night, his high cheekbones are angled upwards with a hand propping under his chin, showing the razor-like sharpness of all his facial features. His hair, all messy and unmade, is covering his forehead - it seems like his hair is longer than the last time I checked on it. He has two rings adorning his long fingers as he drums them on the counter - his signet ring and a silver ring on his index finger.

If I take a look closer, his name is engraved along the outer wall of the ring - Cardan Kai are written in cursive white letters. He really does have something against his last name, always reluctant to put them on forms or any other papers. Perhaps, the signet ring is enough to show his heritage. I wonder if he has any ancient family history that makes his family way too respectable in our modern days.

I mean, except for the fact that he's like second of third cousin to the country's royal siblings, I don't know what makes the Greenbriar so respectable.

"I wonder what are you thinking while staring at my hands, Jude"

I break out from my trance, and find Cardan's gaze on me. My cheeks instantly turn red at the light tone of his voice, as if accusing me of something inappropriate. "I was just looking at your rings!" 

Cardan laughs and leans closer to brush his nose against mine. My breath hitches, and Cardan's lips curled up into a wicked smile. "There are many things that these rings can do. I mean, to you" his smirk grows bigger as our eyes meet, and I feel like succumbing to the earth, feeling embarrassed. "They can make you scream my name. The signet ring seems to be the best candidate"

I hit Cardan's chest and bury my face there. God, is there anything this man does that doesn't give me a whole another level of embarrassment that sends my entire being spiraling, my mind hazy and my mouth silence? Or, how his voice literally sends a shiver sprinting down my spine and the coiling sensation in my lower abdomen to start rising? Or, how the lightest of his light touches has me going crazy and desperate for more of his warmth and skin?

Fuck it, I'm head over heels for him.

Cardan's breath is warm against my neck as he inhales the scent of my shampoo. Besides brushing our noses together, this is another thing he likes - burying his face in my hair to get himself lost in the scent, pretending to give me innocent physical affection, when he actually wants to kiss and lick at the skin of my neck. I mean, if your own boyfriend is Cardan Greenbriar, you will not be complaining at all about the attention he's provided.

As expected, his lips latch instantly on my neck, his breathing turning rapid and shorter as he kisses me there. I bare my throat to him, giving him more expanses of skin to be devoured, and Cardan lets out a slow groan. His fingers are tangled in my hair while his other hand is drawing circles on my thighs. I gasp and instantly cling to him, enjoying the little amount of pleasure I can get right now.

Cardan pulls away but before I can move closer, he pulls me in for a kiss - hurried and desperate for every inch of each other. His fingers are still tangled in my hair, while his other hand moves under the hem of my shirt, his fingers finding the waistband of my thong. It would be much better if I don't have to remember that I am still clad in last night's bikini, just covered by a big shirt. But Cardan seems to not know when to feel bothered.

He toys with the waistband as he nips my lower lip, and I let out a startled gasp, giving him the entrance into my mouth. Despite the embarrassment crawling at my skin, I can't help but to surrender to his offering of pleasure and blissfulness. Cardan's hand brushes against the length of my arm, and I resist the urge to make a sound as the coldness of his ring kisses my skin. As if noticing this, Cardan pulls back and looks down at me, the white in his eyes almost gone.

"Do you have any idea what happened last night?" his voice is hard, almost as if he is trying to control himself.

My body goes rigid as I sit on the stool, unable of thinking of an answer. "Well, to be honest, I don't remember how I end up in your..." I look around hesitantly, trying to find a suitable name of this place. "-suite"

Cardan doesn't say anything as he fixes his position, leaning away from me. I resist the urge to whine and pull him back to me. Does he have to cut the game off like that? And here I am, despite being completely head over heels for him, there is still a reason why Cardan Greenbriar is necessarily hated by many others. His way of playing tug of war will always annoy me - he will make himself the weakest by pulling the last of the string, but in the end, he strikes, pulling people into the deep end.

And I hate how he is playing this game hard with me. He knows I was drunk, so he asks. But, that's hardly the real reason why he asked, I believe. It's only because he can - so he does it. But, how did I end up sleeping here? Like, what happened? The blank spot in my memory seem to never want to recover. Did I do anything embarrassing last night that Cardan has to stop us from pleasure midway? Or, is he just trying to purposefully annoy me so I won't get what I want?

I cross my arms as I look up at him. Cardan raises an eyebrow and removes the hair that fall to cover my face. "You really don't remember" his voice is clipped, but there's a disappointment at the edge of it all.

"Please tell me I did not do anything embarrassing. Because if I did, I will pitch myself off the balcony and drown in the pool" no worries, I want to live. That's just my way of being exaggerating in preparing for more embarrassing situation. Cardan's neutral expression doesn't waver even for the briefest of seconds - yeah, that will do it. I must have done something terribly embarrassing that has him thinking to-

"I hope you don't think asking me to have sex with you while you were drunk is embarrassing"

"I did WHAT?" now that I think of it again, the idea of jumping off a building to save my unfortunate and dumb ass is a nice and genius idea. I might not hesitate to pitch myself off the tallest tower in the world. Why bother dealing with embarrassment when you can just forget and let it be?

Cardan chuckles and intertwines our fingers together. "That's not even the best part"

"Cardan, don't-"

"You said you won't mind if I fuck you on the couch"

I blink, completely speechless at the way Cardan's mouth curls up into a grin, as if he is trying so hard to not laugh at my drunk demeanor. What is so funny about me being drunk? Please, can someone hand me a shovel so I can dig the soil to bury myself to save my ass from all the unfortunate situations, again? What was I thinking? I was drunk, not losing my mind. I press my lips together as I look back at Cardan, ignoring the embarrassment and the urge to punch him in the face for thinking this is funny.

"Please tell me that's all"

"Eh? You were too persistent that I have to carry you to the bed. Thank God you weren't resisting, then" Cardan chuckles and shrugs his shoulder, putting the conversation to an end.

I frown - surely there is something more than that. Cardan is not the type to just end a conversation he starts with the sole intention of annoying the other person - he will continue to tease until something happens or the other person snaps. And if it's in our case, I will usually snap at him. It almost feels like there is something bigger than me being drunk and embarrassing myself and he wishes to not talk about that. Not that the slightest disappointment in his voice is any help either.

Did something else happen? He seems so disappointed that I don't remember how I end up in his suite, sleeping on his bed. He seems reluctant to elaborate more about my embarrassing moment. Did he say something to me and he was hoping that I remember it? If it's that, then my alcohol tolerance is supposed to be blamed - why do I black out every time I get so drunk? Oh my God, Jude Duarte.

I open my mouth to say something, but the ringing from Cardan's phone causes my voice to die at my throat. Cardan frowns as he stares at the screen, sighing before picking up the phone. "It's fucking morning. What do you want this time?"

What- what a friendly greeting, that is. I remain on my seat, trying my best to not catch the conversation between Cardan and the person on his phone. Who could be calling Cardan at an hour as early as nine in the morning that has him greeting with such contempt in his expression and voice? I mean, how can someone be so annoyed just because of a morning phone call, right?

"Fuck you, Dain. I have a party. You can't expect me to halt the party just for a fucking seasonal project you put me into without discussing with Father"

Oh, no wonder he's so pissed off. I am aware of the unhealthy relationship Cardan has with both his brothers, but what I have heard from Eddie and Valerian are a bit too much for my own mind to take. How can Cardan possibly survive with a brother who physically abuses him for years but still manage to make everything looks so perfect in front of their friends? 

I have to give point to Dain for his discernment. He is a clever person, but there is no doubt that Balekin is also unaware of the fact that his youngest brother - who is also from the same mother - was physically abused when they were younger. However, it is a bit off that Cardan's sisters have made no mention about his strained relationship with Dain. Only Elowyn steps in from time to time to stop Dain from taunting Cardan.

Cardan and Balekin might have a relationship people might call not visible, I think it is probably because of their large difference in age. There is also the matter of Balekin rarely spends his time at home ever since he turned sixteen, mostly living the rest of his last teen years alone in the apartment his father bought him. This is something that Cardan told me a few weeks ago but made no effort to mention it again.

"I wonder where you get that fucking idea. Fuck you, Dain, I never give a single fuck about what's going on in the company. Between me and you, I have a better life because I have a perfect plan for my future and a beautiful girlfriend, even. While you? Well, didn't you just have threesome with women when you were in Hong Kong last month?"

It's not the fact that he thinks it is necessary to make a slight mention of me in his argument with Dain to defend himself that startles me, it is the fact that Dain, despite being the son of one of the most respectable people in the business empire, is a disgusting philanderer. Not only did he physically abused and mentally manipulated Cardan, he is also in fact casually performing intercourses with women despite on a work trip.

I do not have anything against sex with multiple people or the people involved in it, but Dain Greenbriar's unprofessionalism renders me of anything but bad judgment. 

If he really is going to be the next CEO of Greenbriar Inc. , then his professionalism should be on top of his list. Just because he went on a business trip alone, that doesn't mean he can act as if it's fine to have sex with multiple women at once. I grimace at the thought and turn my head to look at Cardan who looks like he is on the verge of throwing the plate in front of him away as he presses his lips, listening to Dain berates him.

Older siblings berating you about the responsibilities you have towards your family is so annoying.

"You son of a bitch. The day you die will be the happiest day in my life, Brother"

Cardan ends the call before we both can hear any other words from Dain and we both settle an intense silence. Cardan is angry - there is no point in denying that. I think this is probably the reason why he's always saying mean things towards others in school. People might see him as spoiled, but no one knows the horrible treatment he received from a brother.

"Your brother is horrible"

Cardan gives a short, mirthless laugh as he turns to look at me. "You only met Dain once and you both have never exchange words"

I snort. "A philanderer? Really? How old is he? Thirty-something?"

"Thirty-one" Cardan glances at the screen of his phone. "Nothing goes against Dain's ways or words. But, turns out I'm always a bit of a rebel, that's why he hates me"

i tip my head back and laugh, and Cardan eventually joins me too. We both get up from our seats and instantly run to the room to fight for the shower. Cardan ends up letting me use the shower first, and when he offers to join me in shower, I throw a fluffy towel at him and we both laugh it off.

Idiot. I've fallen for him.

"Tell me why I should take off my rings again?"

I chuckle as I turn my head to look at Cardan. We are walking down the stairs heading to the pool where other guests are already gathering for the second night of the party. Actually, the party goes on and on for an entire day, but during the day, other people who stay at the hotel lounge around under the sun, thus why the party is at its peak during the night.

I chuckle as Cardan pouts, looking at me as if he is demanding me to not take off his rings. Man, he surely loves those rings so much. However, as much as I like see his fingers - his long, sexy and wicked fingers - adorned in expensive jewelries that cost more than Vivi's car, he needs to take them off or I might jump on him before the night even begins.

God, the things those rings do to me has me going insane with unspeakable thoughts and desire. And, if Cardan is smart enough, I know he will take them off to prevent me from embarrassing myself in front of a crowd of people we know. Or, he might just take a moment to enjoy himself while I am drowning with embarrassment if he still wants to keep wearing his rings.

"Just put on the signet and the one with your name, then. Keep the rest" I glare at him.

Cardan barks a laughter, brushing his hand against my arm and when the cool metal of his ring hits my skin, my hands reach out to slap his chest. Instead of flinching or whining in pain, Cardan's laughter grows louder, echoing the empty hallway as we descend the stairs. "Shut up" I roll my eyes.

"You do have a thing for my rings. Especially this one" he lifts up his little finger, showing the signet ring.

I blush and grab at a strand of my hair to remind myself that I should be serious. "You brought it up first this morning. Let's not go to the point you didn't give me any orgasm"

Cardan barks out another laugh but I'm already walking a few steps further, ignoring him completely. It is not that I'm upset with him for not giving me any orgasm, it's because he stopped midway and never make mention of giving me one for the whole time we spent in his suite. I mean, yes we eat and play and read and laugh together for the whole day, but it still annoys me. To make it all simple, this is just me being upset because I didn't get what I want.

For fuck's sake, I'm not a little child.

Cardan's fingers wrap around my dainty wrist, and I shot a mildly annoyed look at him. Cardan turns me to look at him, and I pointedly downcast my eyes, to where his hand is resting. A hand is on my waist, clear of any fingers except the two I made mention of. I honestly hate men who do little things, but this guy? How can anyone possibly cheat on him if this is how he behaves during a relationship with them? He's been anything but horrible to me.

I mean, of course, we still fight, but in the end of the day, we always find ourselves tangled together under the sheets.

"Hey, I'm sorry" Cardan says, his voice slow and soft. "I stopped because you haven't take any hangover soup yet, so I thought you might still be tipsy. So, it's my bad, really" his hand lifts up to touch the side of my face, and I strongly resist the urge to completely melt under the warmth of his hand. What is it with this man and his touches that has me constantly on edge and desperate? We have yet to have sex, and I already fall for all his little touches.

The thing with Cardan is really making me incapable of thinking properly. His words - he even apologized for the littlest things he did. What is it that Taryn mentions to me about the stash of books she reads on daily basis? Oh yes, men written by women - these type of men are the ones who set the bars and standards way too high for all the girls. And Cardan? He is definitely written by a woman if he is ever a fictional character. I wonder how can-

"Oh, and I ordered Pumpkin Spice for you. I hope that can stop you from getting angry at me" Cardan smiles, his eyes alight with affection as he stares down at me.

I am rendered speechless of his words. That's definitely one way to cure my heart. "But you don't like Pumpkin Spice"

Cardan grins and pokes my nose. "The scent is disgusting, sorry to say. But you like it, so that's why I bought it" he says, looking away and I catch the hint of blush at the curve of his ear. "It should be here any minute. Perhaps we can wa-"

I rush to wrap my arms around his torso, leaning my head against his chest. Cardan freezes for the briefest second, but continues to wrap his arms around me. As he exhales, his breath tickles my shoulder and I shiver slightly. He is just breathing, Jude - you can't possibly be aroused by that. I look up at him. "Thank you"

"Anything for you, my darling god" he says, tucking a hair behind my ear. This is definitely becoming a habit for him now.

I don't think I can trust my voice to form any words now after that term of endearment. I mean, the only thing I know how to do is embarrassing and making myself feel stupid, so I'm not gonna get anywhere with this. So, instead of saying another word to Cardan, I pull his hand and we walk straight towards the drinks table.

But, even that doesn't stop my head from repeating his voice as he said my darling god. 

Taryn, help me. I am in love with this man.

Chapter Text

"You can just find another partner!''

"Well, sorry. But she was my partner during last night's game!"

"But she's my girlfriend! I don't want my girlfriend on the opposite team! Especially with you!"

"Bitch, that's rude! She knows her game!"

"She's teaming up with me, not you!"

I flex my fingers and my acrylic nails clash together, making soft clicking sounds as I turn my back to look at Cardan and Valerian who look like they are a step away from throttling each other into the pool. I leave for less than three minutes, giving them all the time to discuss, and now they are fighting of who is going to be the partners for tonight's water fight. You know nothing is going to be good when both Valerian and Cardan start rising their voices at each other.

God, please don't kill me.

I step in between them, halting Valerian who is already red trying to make reasons as to why I should team up with him. Cardan is still talking, as if not realizing I am already standing in front of him. I take a deep breath and do the best thing I can do in this moment. I stomp on his foot with the heel of my sandal, and Cardan jumps and yelps in pain. He looks at me, and I give him an innocent shrug.

"What was that for?"

"Stopping you idiots from making a complete drama" I roll my eyes, pointing my fingers at Cardan's chest. 

"Well, forgive me for wanting you to be my game partner" Cardan crosses his arms, his eyes narrowed as he inches away from me. 

I raise both my hands and give him a nonchalant shrug. There is no reason to be so upset about that, okay? It is not like I agree to partner with Valerian tonight. Although, if I think of it again, pissing Cardan off is one of the best things in my entire life. Well, maybe I can say I'm going to pretend to find someone to partner with Valerian and then crawl at Cardan's skin by partnering with Valerian. Oh yeah, that sounds extremely amazing and fantastic.

I glance at Valerian, asking for help but he raises both hands, giving me the look I gave Cardan earlier. Well, it seems like I need to find someone to be Valerian's partner. That guy seriously needs to find himself a boyfriend or I might start recommending every guy in books that Taryn talks about on daily basis. Oh, speaking of Taryn, perhaps I can ask her to be Valerian's partner for the game. Let's just be clear, I still am going to be on Valerian's team, but this is just a way to trick Cardan.

"Look, I'll go ask Ta-"

"Hi, Cardan!" a familiar voice interrupts me, and my head instantly turns to search the voice.

The calmness on my expression shifts as I realize who was greeting Cardan. Nicasia has both her hands on Cardan's arm, looking up at him like a lovesick girl. I grit my teeth - a bit too hard - and if Valerian didn't tap his hand on my shoulder, I might have crack some of the teeth, or even bleed my gum. I look up at him briefly and turn back to look at Cardan.

He is looking at me, but seems to surprised to say anything about Nicasia literally latching herself to him like a disgusting leech. My fists are clenched as I walk towards him, ignoring the way Nicasia is trying to close the distance between her and Cardan as I push her away. I might look stupid and crazy, but I will never let his ex lay a hand on him like that. Step on my fucking corpse and see if I try to drag you into afterlife with me.

"Hey. We're having water fight. How about you partner up with Val-"

"Nicasia can partner up with me. You can go with Val"

Cardan pushes me away as he takes Nicasia hand, leading her into the pool. I scoff and bite the inside of my cheek, glaring at him assisting her to sit on his shoulder as they prepare themselves for the game. I cross my arms and roll my eyes, turning to pull Valerian's hand as we make our way into the pool. I ignore the screaming and cheering as I hop onto Valerian's back, pushing all the thoughts to the back of my head. 

It's fine, it's just a game. It's just a game and it is all for fun - I keep repeating those words in my head but it seems like any horrible thoughts won't perish the moment my eyes catch Nicasia's. Of course - of fucking course she has to give a look of mockery as Cardan has both his arms locked around her thighs, balancing them both. 

I am already upset with Cardan for pushing me away - who gives a fuck if he buys me the whole Starbucks just to make sure I get my daily Pumpkin Spice? And Nicasia has to fucking spite me even more. When I win this game, I'm going to strangle the breath out of her life that she will beg me to do it quicker so she will die peacefully. 

God, there is no reason to be this upset.

I have no idea why Cardan pushed me away and chose to partner up with Nicasia instead, but I know for a thing, when this game is finished, I'm going to kill Cardan for doing that. I don't care what his reasons are, Nicasia being his choice for the game has given me enough reason to throw them both into their doom. I take a deep breath and Valerian taps two fingers on my thigh, signaling that the game is about to start.

As the whistle blows, Valerian moves first and my hands move to push Nicasia off Cardan's shoulder. Fall, fall, fall, fall, fall. Drown yourself. My life is never at peace ever since Valerian told me about Nicasia's creepy behavior and it will bring me great satisfaction if I manage to push her out of my way - out of Cardan's life - and win this game in a heartbeat.

The scream grows louder and I have a feeling that Nicasia is taking this game a little too serious just like me. And as the tension builds, I feel like even the spectators realize the competition surrounding us as the atmosphere grows more intense as the time passes. I am not going to fucking lose this game just because my boyfriend is teaming up with his ex.

I let out a frustrated scream as I push Nicasia, but Cardan's tight grip on her thigh has me more frustrated as they both surge forward to attack me and Valerian. I honestly feel bad for him that he somehow gets himself involved with the whole Jude-Cardan-Nicasia bullshit, but I really have no choice. If Cardan ever decides to betray me by getting back with Nicasia, Valerian will be the first person I run to. 

As the thought comes across me, I push Nicasia again and again, tearing a loud scream from her. Valerian taps my thigh, warning me to control my anger. "Calm the fuck down and don't choke me, Duarte!"

"Kick Cardan or anything, then! I want to win!" 

If there is anything I'm extremely good at when it comes to games, it is playing dirty. I will not hide my intention if I set my goals on winning - that will be a waste of time. The whistle blows, and we switch sides. Valerian and I are now at the left side of the pool, both are out of breath from the amount of energy and scream we let out - and I am extremely frustrated at the fact that Cardan doesn't let me win. Does he want to embarrass me?

"Start!"

This time, Cardan and Nicasia strike first, and Valerian steps aside, making both of them almost lose their balance. I bump my fist with him and we strike, and Nicasia howls in pain as I use the tip of my sharp nails to poke at her finger. Valerian leaps and I watch the way his leg moves underwater as he kicks Cardan, causing him to let his grip on Nicasia loose, and they both fall into the water.

A loud scream rings my ears, coming from all around the pool. Nicasia is choking on the water as Cardan pulls her back, and I let out a smirk as I stare down at her. Valerian lifts me off him and I swim to the edge of the pool, leaning against the wall as Taryn comes to my side, offering me a glass of tequila. Well, at least she's not drunk tonight.

"Announcement!" I look up and bump my fist with Valerian, excited to know the result.

"The winners-" Marc looks at us, and offers a soft smile. "Cardan and Nicasia!"

Disappointed scream tears through the crowd, and I splash the water before getting up with Taryn's help. I wrap myself in the towel she gives me and walk towards Marc with both my arms crossed. I push the hair covering my face roughly, trying my best to control my anger that is literally on edge as I glance at Cardan and Nicasia hugging each other. I mentally gag at the view as I stand before Marc.

"What do you mean they win? They fell!"

Marc looks at me, his expression almost boring. "Sorry to say, but they won the round, Jude"

"They fucking fell into the pool! Are you really serious now?" I raise my voice, and everyone looks at me.

"Valerian kicked Cardan, and I know you were trying to hurt Nicasia just because you're jealous. So, they won"

This is even more painful than being slapped in the face. I nod and force myself to smile before turning my back on Marc, storming away from the crowd that have their eyes on me. Really? Does he have to go that far to embarrass me? I tilt my head and catch sight of Cardan kissing Nicasia's cheek as he rise to the edge of the pool, a smile on his face. I look at Valerian and signal him to follow me out of everyone's prying eyes.

"I have never seen you this angry before" Valerian says as he hands me a cup of tequila, joining me to sit on the couch.

I roll my eyes and drink the content in one sip, looking back at him. I clench both my fists together, eyeing Cardan who is still talking to Nicasia as if he doesn't have a fucking girlfriend who is observing his every movement at this exact moment. I let out a frustrated scream and throw my cup away, causing Valerian to jump out of the couch in surprise. I turn my head to look at him, and he has both hands raised in front of him as a shield from any unexpected attack.

I cross my arms and gesture for him to sit beside me. "Does he have to be a fucking dick?"

"Isn't that what you previously thought about him? I mean, when you two were clawing at each other like cats fighting for food?"

"He is still a dick, but that? What the fuck is he doing?"

"Man, if you're asking me to be your relationship counsellor, I will gladly jump off a cliff instead of doing that" Valerian says with a laugh but when he sees me glaring at him, he forms an awkward smile. "Look. I have no fucking idea, but my best guess is he's trying to make you jealous"

Me? Jealous of him? And Nicasia? I'm seriously going to beat them up after this little emotional outburst session I'm currently stuck in. I frown and snort, clenching and unclenching my fists as I look at Cardan offering Nicasia drinks and food. Okay, that's it. That is it. He is going to pay for all this shit. I stand up and turn slightly to face Valerian, trying to stay calm despite the fire building inside me.

"You know what? I'm going to kick your best friend's ass right now"

"O- kay? But, which one? If you want to kick Nic, I'm going to pretend I see nothing"

"Not her, you dumb. It's Cardan. I can deal with her later"

Valerian shrugs and laugh softly, standing up, towering over me. I mean, he is tall, but shorter than Cardan, so he doesn't seem too tall. But maybe he is? What is it with me and surrounding myself with guys who are over six-two? Why do they have to be so tall? Valerian makes a cheering pose and I laugh. "All the best. Kai deserves to be knocked some senses into his head"

I laugh, and hit his chest. "You're a good friend" I say with a smile. "But don't think I won't kick your ass one day. It's not your time yet"

Valerian barks a laughter. "True friendship is at its peak!"

I laugh again and brush him off. I turn on my heels and walk straight towards Cardan and Nicasia, controlling the emotions on my face despite the whispers around me. One thing that I get from a relationship with Cardan, one that I will continue to hate for the rest of my life - is the constant drama I'm involved, either I'm the one who starts it or anyone else or Cardan himself.

As he is talking to Nicasia about his future plans, I grab him by his wrist and pull him away from everyone. I glimpse at him for a second and catch the mild annoyance on his face and decide that it would be best to ignore it before I lose my temper again. As soon as we are away from loud noises and prying eyes, I drop his hand and cross my arms. Right, let's settle this like real adults and not hitting or using violence.

Cardan leans his back against the wall, his expression is unreadable as usual. "You're pissed off"

"Thank you for stating the obvious, but we are in a dire need of a serious talk"

Cardan runs his fingers through his hair, and I resist the urge to look at his rings. I mentally slap myself - focus! - the thing this man can do with his being and his rings are insane, in my opinion. I shake my head and clench my fists, straining my neck as I look up at Cardan who seems almost bored with my tantrum. What a fucking dick.

"What do you want to talk about? The party's not done yet"

"You know damn well what I wanna talk about!"

"Oh yeah?" Cardan leans closer, his lips curling up into a titillating smile. "Does this have to do with Nicasia?"

"Don't be a fucking dick, Cardan. She's your ex-girlfriend. And you pushed me away when I was about to suggest Taryn to be your partner and honestly, fuck you. You pushed me and chose your ex-girlfriend. If you wanted to do that, then do it behind me. You know I don't like her. No, in fact, I hate her"

Cardan's expression doesn't waver, almost as if he is unaffected with my words. He leans closer, and as I feel his breath against the skin of my cheek, I blink to stay focused and ignore the shiver running down my spine. "You chose to partner up with Val. I see no fault on my part"

"You heard him. We were partnering last night!"

"How does that make any difference? I mean, I'm not blaming you, but you made it clear you wanted to partner up with Val, so I went to Nic considering that she was there. It really wasn't that deep" Cardan rolls his eyes, making it clear that he is annoyed with my outburst. Seriously, I do not want to punch him - at least, not right now.

"You pushed me away" I say, emphasizing on pushed. "I mean, I don't care, to be really honest. But then you just continue to just have fun with her while I storm off after losing the fucking game and you were not trying to stop me. What did you do? Kiss your fucking ex-girlfriend on her cheek and continued to chat with her like nothing's ever happened between the both of you? What a fucking hilarious thing to watch between two ex-lovers, Cardan!"

"No fucking way you're upset because you lost the game. Jude, it's a game, you know this. Nicasia happened to be-"

"Shut the fuck up. If you're still attracted to her, then don't fucking-"

My words die at my throat as Cardan slams our lips together, pushing me to the wall behind me. I slip out a moan as Cardan's hands start roaming all over the length of my upper body, pulling me closer than ever, trying to get as much skin as he can. As his tongue plunges into my mouth, I clutch onto his shoulder, moaning softly between kisses.

Cardan's hands move lower and lower, pulling my legs up for them to be wrapped around his waist. My fingers find themselves tangled in his hair, kissing him with more vigor. I nip at his lower lip and Cardan hisses, his big hands travelling down to grip my ass. The hiss is a warning, one for me to behave while he does whatever he wants.

"Say that to my face again" Cardan pulls away from the kiss, gripping my chin. His voice is hard and low, and his eyes are darkened with desire. "Fucking say that to my face again" he pulls me back into a kiss, this time stronger with more force, gripping me so tightly that I have no doubt will leave imprints of his hand on my skin.

Cardan's lips move to kiss my jaw, slowly making his way to kiss my neck. I grip onto his back tighter, uncaring if I might leave crescent marks on his back. He grazes his teeth against the skin of my neck, and I instantly let out a soft moan. Cardan bites softly, and I feel a low scream tearing its way out of my throat. Cardan breathes against my name, a low laugh escaping his throat.

He grips me by my hair, tilting my head to kiss the curve of my ear. "You know-" his fingers trail lower, playing with the straps of my halter, "-if I were still attracted towards Nic, I wouldn't be here with you in my arms-" he pulls one strap down, his fingers ghosting the underside of my left breast, "I will probably be somewhere quiet with Nic, kissing her, touching her, fucking her"

"You're a fucking menace, Greenbriar" I whimper, leaning my head against the wall. "Don't you say her n-" my words are cut abruptly, again, as Cardan presses a finger to my covered center, staring right into my eyes. Damn him and those fingers - he runs the tip of his finger against my underwear, putting light pressure that has my whimpering growing louder by seconds.

He pushes my knickers aside, and I gasp instantly at the feeling of his finger against my fold. Cardan's eyes are locked on mine, watching my reaction as he teases my core. The combination of his titillating smirk and the way his finger circles my clit send tiny sparks of arousal crashing through my lower abdomen.

Cardan pushes a finger inside my core, and I let out a squeal of surprise. "You're really wet" he says, moving his finger slowly to control the obscene sound escaping my mouth. "Is this all for me? Is this all for me, my sweet villain?"

"Yes" I reply breathily, robbed of all sane thoughts. "Yes, for you, please"

Cardan inserts another finger into me, and I bite his shoulder, holding back the scream that is threatening to tear its way out of my throat. As much as I like to scream for him, it really won't do us no good especially now, when we're outside, hiding behind a wall that separates us from the rest of other guests. Cardan groans as I clench around his fingers, feeling the orgasm building inside me.

"Cardan, please. Please, faster. Please-"

Cardan doesn't wait for me to finish my pleading as he changes the speed of his thrust, his fingers angling deeper that I feel like if he pushes deeper, he might hit my cervix at any moment. I let out a loud moan, one with no coherent words formed, except for one. My mouth couldn't stop chanting his name as I ride myself on his fingers, clutching his back tighter than before to keep myself from falling down. I roll my hips to get more friction, and as Cardan's fingers hit that one spot - I let out a scream.

My orgasm continues to build and build and build - it seems like to never stop at all. The thing this man can do with his fingers and his entire being - it's crazy how I am always bereft of thoughts whenever his body and warmth are pressed against my skin. Is there any other guys that can make me feel the way he makes me feel? No, I don't think so.

"Come, Jude. Come for me"

"Yes, yes, yes - oh" I close my eyes, pushing the urge to scream his name. I continue to move and clench around his fingers, desperately moaning and begging for him to move faster so I can come. And, as his fingers hit my sensitive spot, white spots appear before my eyes and I swear I would have screamed if Cardan didn't shut me up with a rough kiss.

My head hits the wall with a loud thud as I come, riding my high on his fingers until I come down while clinging to him. The kiss turns softer and our breathing become short and ragged as he lifts me off him, helping me to get back on my feet. I look up at him and catch the desire still hovering in his eyes. I rise to my toes to kiss him again, and Cardan offers me a soft smile.

"Never say that to me again, Jude. Never"

I reach out to hold his hands, looking up at him. His gaze has soften, staring down at me with affection. "I was angry at you. And, I was afraid that you might still like her after what she's done to you. And I- you know what she's like. Horrible"

Cardan leans in and kisses my forehead, his fingers reaching up to trace the curve of my ear. "Yeah, I don't think anyone is really good. We're balanced, both good and bad. You just pick what you wanna be. But, never say that again, okay? No one's ever make me feel the way you make me. You live in my mind rent free, Jude. I'm sorry I made you angry. I still-" Cardan smiles, glancing back at the party. "Well, wanna get back to the party?"

I smile as I wrap my arms around his neck, looking up at him with a voluptuous smile. "I have something more exciting in mind. Something we can do together. Alone"

Cardan smirks and lifts me up, brushing our noses together as his grip on my waist tightens. "I won't deny you. Not anymore. Whatever you wish for, I won't deny them" he giggles, and carries me to the elevator. I laugh and ask him to put me down, but Cardan shuts me up with a kiss as we enter the elevator, heading straight to his unit.

"I have done my waiting, Jude" Cardan's voice is low as he throws me on the bed, the room accompanied by the dim moonlight outside. He crawls up on the bed, staring at me with unfiltered desire as his eyes travel down to valley between my chest. Cardan does a quick work at divesting me of my bikini, leaving me completely bare and powerless to him. His arms are on both sides of me, caging me beneath him with a smirk that tells me all his wicked intention.

I place a hand on the hard plane of his chest, looking up at him with brimming desire. "Please, Cardan. Please don't make me wait anymore"

Cardan twirls with a strand of my hair in his finger, tilting his head as he looks at me. "I will skip all the teasing, all the playing, as I am really impatient and I want to hear you scream my name so bad. But, I have a question"

I roll my eyes, mildly annoyed with his little speech. As arousing as it is to listen to him speak in such a tone, there is nothing more I need than him fucking me after all those waiting and I'm not ready yet little excuses I always come up with. "Speed it up"

"You really have no patience, my villain" he whispers and my thighs instantly clamp together, too aroused to even think of anything else. Cardan lets out a low laugh before bending lower, kissing the valley between my chest. His fingers trail down and once he reaches of my thighs, he pushes them open and trails his finger on my slit. I gasp as I meet his eyes, dark as the storms and brimming with desire. "You're wet still"

"Cardan, please- touch me-" I gasp when he kisses the underside of my breast, his lips hovering and his breath warming my skin.

"I haven't ask you my question yet" he says, trailing kisses everywhere but not my breasts. My chest is rising up and down following the ragged sound of my breathing, unable to take my mind elsewhere to distract myself. He better ask me that question right now or I might just fuck myself and come apart right in front of him.

"How long have you been fantasizing about me, Jude?"

"Sometimes before we started dating. I- I can't remember when-"

"Have you ever come to the thought of other guys in your head?" he whispers, the dominance and possessiveness overflowing like waterfall. 

I manage to croak out a desperate "no" and that is Cardan's undoing. Miraculously, his lips find my breasts and I arch my back, moaning and gripping at his hair as his tongue circles my nipple. He licks and bites gently, and I let out a soft moan, feeling myself growing wetter each second. The intensity of the look in his eyes as he keeps them at my eye level is helping me no further.

He doesn't look away from me, not even at the briefest of seconds, as his fingers trail the length of my upper body. I want to close my eyes, too overwhelmed with the desire and the way he moves - too overwhelmed to spill my feelings for him. My fingers scratch his bare back, and he groans - taking a breast into my mouth while the other is squeezed with the strength of his hand. He sucks my nipple, and a scream tears from my throat.

"Cardan-" I croak out, desperation obvious in my voice. "You said you will skip the teasing"

Cardan rises, kneeling on the bed while staring at me, removing me from any pleasure of the warmth of his skin. I hate that he knows what he's doing and I don't. Cardan's smile turns voluptuous, one that could be described as a predator's who has succeed in catching its prey as he leans closer with eyes as dark as the night sky. He takes a strand of my hair and studies it with a curious expression, as if I am a wondrous and rare thing he's never seen before.

"Surely you won't stop me from enjoying the sight before me, my villain. I didn't wait long only to be denied, my love"

I moan and pull him into a greedy kiss, our lips slotted together in a sloppy and messy manner, the sound of skin against skin loud in the dimmed bedroom. It feels almost surreal, but it's real. And I know no matter how much I want to deny it, this is real. It's real. Cardan and I are together - sharing our little secrets together in the dark of our room, a secret and intimacy that belongs only to the both of us. 

In a matter of seconds, divests himself of his underwear, his cock slotted perfectly between my slit. I look down and gasp at the sight in front of me, looking up at Cardan with eyes wide in disbelief. "You're so big. I don't- I don't know if I can-"

Cardan grips my chin, bringing our faces closer. "You can, and you will" the commandeering tone in his voice has me whimpering beneath him.

I am not sure how, but the way he says that gives me confidence that I can take him - that I can do it as long as it guarantees the pleasure I seek from no one but only him. "Please" I slip out and Cardan enters me slowly, giving me his word to skip all the teasing.

I gasp and instantly grip both his arms, feeling the pain and pleasure commingling inside me. Cardan, as if noticing this, directs his gaze at me, devoid of everything but concern and desire. He tries to move and I wince, trying to pretend it is not as painful as how I actually feel. Relax, I tell myself, this is normal. Everything hurts at the beginning. I close my eyes and when Cardan's hand touches my cheek, I lean into his touch. "Are you okay? We can stop if-"

I shut him off with a kiss before pulling away, looking up at him. "No, it's fine. I just need to get used" I lift my hips slightly, and when I feel more comfortable, I let out a loud moan and my grip on Cardan's arm loosen. I wrap my arms around his neck and nod, signaling him to continue.

The concern in his eyes disappears as he starts moving inside me, groaning and gripping at the rest of my skin. He slides deeper, his groan turning feral as my moans grow louder at the littlest amount of skin contact. I couldn't think straight - I am unable of forming coherent words. His name falls from my mouth like an addiction - I can't stop and I don't want to stop.

Cardan is my euphoria. If I were to be really honest, I have no idea how did we go from throwing buckets of water at each other during school's annual sports day to having nights that we share together, our limbs tangled together in bed and under the sheets, sharing gazes of affection and adoration, cracking smiles and laughter towards jokes only the both of us can understand. 

He moves, changing the speed of his thrust and I let out a scream. My walls are clenching around him, desperate to chase after the pleasure he so willingly provides for me and only me. I roll my hips to seek more friction, moving in sync with Cardan. Cardan grips my hips tightly, undoubtedly leaving imprints of his fingers, and starts going deeper and deeper and deeper until a scream so loud - louder than I thought I have ever done - tears out of me.

Cardan moves faster, his pace is maddening and brutal and uncontrollable, fucking us both in a way no other thing can describe. His grip is strong and painful, and I see white spots start forming in my vision as I try to keep my focus on Cardan's expression and the way we move together. I grip his arms and roll my hips again, and Cardan groans, biting my shoulder to stop the scream coming out of him. My hand trails down and when I find my clit, I let out a moan, stroking myself as Cardan thrusts deeper and faster.

"Fuck! You're so tight-" he lets out a noise, also struggling to form words as we both move together to seek the pleasure out of each other.

"Cardan, please. Faster, please"

"Yes, Jude, yes. Come for me. Come with me. Scream my name. I want to hear my name from your mouth as I fuck you right-"

I cry out as the orgasm builds inside me, lifting my hips higher as I try to take Cardan, all of him inside me. Lost in bliss and unbridled pleasure, my moan and pleading grow louder, obscene noises coming out from the both of us - be it from our throat or the noise of our skin slapping each other. Cardan grips the sheets beneath me and grits his teeth, and realization hits me. He is going to come, too.

"Cardan- Cardan, please"

"Yes, Jude. Come. Come right now. Come for me"

I come apart with a loud scream of his name, my voice hoarse from all the moaning and shouting and pleading for him. I continue to ride my high against him until Cardan screams my name as his cock spasms, coming inside me as he grips the sheet. I close my eyes as my legs shake, feeling the pleasure crashing through me. Cardan's breath fans my face as he comes down his high, before collapsing next to me.

I shift as Cardan pulls the sheet to cover us, smiling as our eyes meet. Cardan gathers me in his arms, and I rest my cheek against his chest as my finger traces the angle of his sharp cheekbone. Cardan's lips curl down into a lopsided smile, this is probably the first time I have ever seen him so carefree and happy. He is always so guarded and although he laughs and smiles and jokes around all the time, he always keeps his emotions guarded.

"Well, that certainly is a first" Cardan lets out a breezy laugh, tracing the curve of my ear.

I let out a soft laugh. "My first. Not yours"

"Oh, I shall rephrase" Cardan smiles. "That certainly is the best sex I have ever had"

"Exaggerating" I raise a skeptical eyebrow.

Cardan laughs and kisses my forehead. "No, I'm serious. That was so fucking fantastic"

I bite my lower lip and slap his chest playfully, Cardan's laugh vibrating loudly in the bedroom. I laugh with him too, and before I can even form another word, perhaps a thank you, perhaps a you're a great boyfriend, perhaps a you are the best, but it seems like sleep has taken over me long before those words can even form themselves inside my head. I don't know what he is saying as I succumb to sleep.

Perhaps, maybe, just maybe - if I had the courage, maybe even an I love you.

I love you, Cardan.

Chapter Text

I wake up to the view of Cardan's smile and his finger twirling a strand of my hair, his lips swollen and soft from all our kisses. I open my eyes slowly and place both arms under my head, looking up at him with a sleepy smile. Well, that sex certainly has drained me of all my energy. "Good morning" he greets, his voice rough. 

I blush. "How long was I asleep?"

"I have no idea. It's already morning. I mean, I didn't keep track on time, too busy watching you" he smiles, brushing the tip of our noses together.

I giggle softly and turn to take my phone on the nightstand, checking the time. It's half past eight, and the sun is already up - not much fun because I didn't get to see the sun rise gracefully and elegantly. But, to wake up with Cardan gazing at me affectionately, his eyes light up with adoration and admiration, that is a better way to start my morning. 

I let out a yawn and pull the sheet to cover my body as I lean against the headboard, my fingers reaching out to push the hair covering his eyes. Cardan laughs and closes his eyes, and I take a moment to study his lashes - long and beautiful that when he closes his eyes, his lashes rest against his cheek. Cardan opens his eyes, his dark eyes looking at me - unguarded and filled with emotions as another smile curls up.

"What are you covering for? I've seen everything" he says with a smirk.

"It's early in the morning, Cardan" I say, slapping his chest.

Cardan laughs and comes to sit beside me, intertwining our fingers together as keeps his eyes on me. I feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I smile at him, leaning my head against his chest as we both turn to look at the view of the sky outside the wide window of Cardan's bedroom. Actually, I would like to call this place as mine too. Ours.

I mean, how could one possibly be greedy and refuse to share such luxury with others, right? This mattress is even better than the one at my place and as well as the one in Cardan's apartment - or maybe it's because Cardan is here, so it makes everything better. So, if I manage to get Cardan to sleep on my bed - just sleeping - maybe I will like that bed better.

As if realizing something, Cardan shifts on the bed. "Oh, water for you. Your throat must be hurting" he turns to his nightstand, handing me a glass of water.

"It actually does" I take a large gulp, smiling at him as I look down at our fingers lacing together. "Thank you"

Cardan doesn't say anything for a while, just looking at me with that familiar look in his eyes. At some point, I am no longer bothered by the way he looks at me. Instead, I find that I quite love it. It seems almost impossible that I am here, on his bed, beside him, smiling with him, with nothing but quilt covering our naked bodies. Believe it or not, my younger self would have an emotional outrage if she can ever see us now. 

In moments such as this, the silence is much preferred. Cardan takes my hand, and kisses my knuckles. His eyes are still on me, and I couldn't help but to revel in the insurmountable amount of attention he is giving me. "You know, I don't really praise people for their goods"

"Well, that's because you're obsessed with yourself"

Cardan smiles. "I mean, if you were born with such features as mine, you would be obsessed too" Cardan and I laugh, and I tilt my head, waiting for him to continue. "But, you. You hardly were any difference. I mean, you're stubborn, you're annoying, you're - my younger self would call you poor. And what infuriated me most, you were so much better than me despite your low status"

"And you hated me for that" I say, taking the ring on his index finger - studying the silver carved Cardan Kai there.

"Hated is a bit of an understatement. I loathed you. You were so obnoxious, so loud, so infuriating. Every time your hand rose in the air, I felt like shutting you up. It annoyed me how eager you were to answer all those questions. Until one day, I just accepted it. Middle school, I guessed. And then, things went down, opposite from my expectation"

"Is this high school? Tell me about it"

Cardan tilts his head as he looks at me, tracing his finger at the curve of my ear. "High school was absurd. It was to be the best among the best. I saw you and Taryn entered the class, talking and laughing as if you weren't expecting to be in the same class as me, again. I thought I was seeing someone else, but I knew it was you. You looked different, let's excuse your poor choice of fashion at the time-"

"It was VSCO era, you were too stupid with your grungy emo style. Practically draped in black, white and red like some evil Disney character back in the 60s"

Cardan laughs and wraps his arms around my waist, kissing my shoulder as he breathes in my scent. I laugh, checking the clock. We are supposed to be out for breakfast or anything by now, but I find myself invested in listening to Cardan's side of story. After all, it is only logical that every stories have two sides, right?

"Well, VSCO or grunge or emo, all I'm saying is you looked absolutely different. I never really considered you the beauty of all beauty in the past, but when I saw you that day, it felt different. I wasn't able to focus on classes as I kept staring at you. And remember that one time when the teacher called me out for dozing off? In History? The one you laughed at? I remembered feeling so angry that I wished to wipe that laugh off your face and making you kneel and apologize to me for such humiliation"

I laugh and nod. Of course, how can one possibly forget such perfect moment? Cardan rarely falls asleep in class, and if he does, it means he really is exhausted from his previous night's activities. And of course, my loathing for him at that time revealed itself when he was forced to walk out of the class while everyone's eyes were on him. Taryn had to stop me from laughing or I might be the one being kicked out of the class.

And, the next day, the teacher was fired and removed of all license and contracts to teach at any schools in our city. Of course, Cardan has used his advantage and told his father to do anything to the teacher who has humiliated him. Bad news for the teacher, and as much as I pitied her, it was also a happy moment for us students. Nobody liked her, anyway. But still, to be suddenly fired and kicked out of her own town for calling out a student of a higher status than herself is just on another level of absurd.

I don't think I will ever understand rich people, to be really honest.

"We still don't get to the point when you stopped hating me" I say, turning to my side so I can look at Cardan better.

"I think it was some time before your birthday. When we were 16" he says, frowning as if he is trying to remember that change in his life. "We were to exchange gifts, and I got you. You got mine. And- you crocheted a scarf for me" he says, looking at me.

Ah, yes, I remember that. To be honest, the scarf wasn't really anything that deserved to be called special or cool. I was just into crocheting at that time so I made so many of them for my family and closest relatives. Considering the fact that I suck at buying gifts for outsiders, or a person I hated, I decided to just make something I already know how to make. And plus, it was November and it was cold. Of course everyone needed warmth. Besides, I didn't want my enemy to die because of frostbite. Who else am I going to annoy, right?

"It was nothing. I mean, crochets were a big trend at that time, and I know you enjoyed fashion, that's why I made one" I press my lips together, feeling the heat rising to my cheeks. To think about it again, that was an absurd thing to be given to your enemy, but I was young - and dumb. I mean, if we take a closer look, I am still dumb, but I was dumber back in high school. Everyone was dumb in high school - there is no other fact than that.

"But I liked it. I honestly don't have any patience to learn crocheting, they look so difficult and annoying. My sisters have made me learn how to do them, but I never really get into it as I was busy with basketball. So, when you gifted me the scarf, I wore it during my family's winter vacation. For an entire week, that was the only scarf I wore"

"I'm... touched?" honestly, I don't really know about what to feel when it comes to the scarf. Mom has bought many of the thread and it wasn't helping my obsession. If I weren't studying or sketching, I would be sitting cross-legged in my bedroom, learning every single technique to make sure my garments looked perfect. I ended up taking them all to family gatherings, teaching all my cousins and some of the interested aunts and uncles to make cardigans and scarves.

"So I liked that scarf. I still have it at home, in my room. Maybe, that was when I started to see you in a different angle?" Cardan tucks a hair behind my ear, smiling as his palm rests against my cheek. "I saw your talent, your intelligence, your enthusiasm, and I found it entertaining. Not in a bad way, but I know at that time I wasn't able to hate you anymore"

I smile as I lean into the warmth of his palm, looking up at him with a smile. Cardan's smile is big, but there is something indecipherable in his eyes. Somehow, during the whole time he told me about him hating me, he has realized he let too much of his emotions out and his walls have returned to their place, guarding him so well that he seems to not be hiding anything.

But, I know. I know there is so much more than just those story. I have no idea why I can't make myself ask more - is it because I'm unsure of my own feelings, or is it because Cardan seems so unperturbed by keeping things from me? Probably the second option - he seems so convenient at hiding things that at some point, it feels normal. I know he have secrets, and I know I should be bothered to ask, but I do not. Because it feels normal.

But, one thing that I'm glad about is how we overcome our hatred towards each other. We were both horrible to each other - we shared the same competitive nature that made us hated each other for being better at something. But, we overcame that hatred, right? By working together, talking, laughing, hanging out, communicating - I mean, really communicating - and understanding each other better, we realize that all of those are just petty arguments.

It's funny. Him, who I wished to never see again is the one I'm holding tight to right now. Could this be love? I don't want to lose Cardan - I have come to realize that he is one of the only people who really sees right through me, who sees me for who I truly am without me having to cover or make things up just to make myself feel better. Despite birthed in different statuses, he helps me to overcome those horrible thoughts and perceptions, and I know thank you isn't enough. 

Is this love? There is no exact explanation of how love could be, but this feels like it. The missing piece on my jigsaw is Cardan, the piece that completes the jigsaw. When I'm with him, the hollowness in my head is filled with sudden burst of happiness. The littlest things he did makes me so happy and cherished and loved. I've never fallen in love before, so this is such a novelty that I can't come to describing how beautiful it feels.

I want to tell him, but wouldn't it be too quick? It hasn't even been 3 months yet. Plus, the possibility for Cardan to not have such feeling is possible. Why would he love me, right? I press my lips together as the thought comes crashing like waterfall, moving away from Cardan's embrace. I pick a shirt - Cardan's shirt - on the couch and put it on, turning to look at Cardan. He has a crestfallen expression on his face - is he offended that I walk out of his arms without saying anything?

I clear my throat and clip my hair together. "I'll go order some breakfast"

"I know it's a bit late to ask, and you probably have made your decision, but can I be your homecoming date?"

The question is too abrupt after our conversation that my brain seems to be short-circuiting for a few seconds. Cardan is holding my hand, a ring on my index finger. The car has stopped in front of my house, and Cardan is looking at me with fear of rejection as he asks me that question.

"Sure. What kind of decision would I have made?"

His smile returns, and I resist the urge to laugh. Cardan pulls me closer, kissing my cheek. "I just thought maybe you already have a date. Val, or even MacMillan" he rolls his eyes at the mention of Eddie. I laugh and slap his arm - there really isn't any need for him to be so jealous over my friends, which also happens to be his. Okay, except Eddie. They really are not communicating in the best way to have year-long hatred towards each other.

Ah, talking about year-long hatred, Jude Duarte.

"I was waiting for you to ask, to be honest"

"Well, what color are you going with?"

"Something blue. Dark blue"

"Oh cool! So, I guess I'll see you again. Surely your sisters are waiting for you now"

"Definitely. And don't skip your family dinner"

Cardan rolls his eyes and snorts in total disbelief. I slap his arm and he laughs. He removes his sunglasses and looks at me. "Yeah, and got berated because I held a party instead of doing my work. For fuck's sake, let me have my fun before I graduate"

I laugh and kiss him on the cheek before hopping out of the car. I close the door and Cardan immediately rolls the window down, smiling so brightly at me. Unable to hide the smile forming on my face, I roll my eyes as I look at him. I wave at him as he starts driving out of the neighborhood, and turn to the direction of my house as his car disappears from my sight.

I take out my key and unlock the door, slipping into the house without making any sound. It's almost five in the evening, and I've just returned after the wrapping up session of the party. Not many guests stayed - apparently exhausted from the continuous merriment since Thursday. I stayed technically because it's Cardan's party, and there's no way I'm leaving him alone to call it to an end. I close the door slowly and make my way towards the staircase.

I step slowly, making sure to make the littlest sound possible, wishing to not get caught by my sisters for going to the party for the whole few days. Taryn has returned home on Friday night, but I didn't follow her. Oh, you know what happened on Friday, don't you? 

Vivi has informed to come back early even if it means returning at the last day of the party, but 5pm does not look or sound early. So, the best thing I can do right now is step slowly and sneak into my bedroom without making any sound. Can someone breath without making any sound? I definitely need to learn that skill every time I sneak out.

I look around, keeping careful eye towards my surrounding. Vivi's car is not outside, so that means either she is out for work or she is out on her date with Heather. To be honest, I am not certain if they are still dating. The difference in culture is frustrating - at least on Heather's part. Vivi doesn't care about her culture or anything about her background, she just wants to have fun. Yeah, that's pretty selfish of her considering the life Heather has to go through.

I reach my room - the one with a wooden plate with Jude&Taryn written on it. I twist the doorknob and find it unlocked, immediately letting out a relieved sigh. Let's hope Taryn is not here. As soon as I open the door, my eyes go wide at the sight before me. Well, this certainly isn't how I want to see my room after a few days not sleeping here.

Fabrics and scissors and threads are everywhere. Two mannequin dolls stand at the center of the room, with blue and purple fabrics draping all over them. I turn my head and see Taryn sitting cross-legged on her bed, frowning as she checks her iPad. Well, if only she had told me she returned early to finish our dresses, I would have come home with her.

"Taryn"

Taryn looks up, surprised to see me in the room. "Oh, you're home. I didn't hear you opening the door. Ah, our dresses are almost done. Just a little touch-up and we're done" Taryn says, her voice colder than usual. She's never used that tone on me and I feel guilty when she doesn't even bother to look at me anymore as she realizes I'm already in the room.

"Taryn, are you angry at me?"

Taryn glances at me but before I can meet her eyes, she turns to pick the fabrics scattering on the floor before tossing them into the trashcan. "Nonsense. Why would I be angry at you?"

I drop my bag on the floor and sit on my bed, trying to catch Taryn's eyes. Remember when I said I wished I have telepathy to guess what Taryn's going to do? Yes, this is a rare moment where I will not need that. For some reason, Taryn is never really angry at me and whenever I offend her, she will just shrug it off. Of course, we will probably not talk for like an hour or two, but after that, with no apologies or explanation, we will talk again.

But, there are also time where she's angry with me that she seems to not want to talk at all. Or when I ask her question, she will shrug it off and sit on her bed, reading her book for hours. And now is one of those times. I should have remembered about the dresses for homecoming and returned home early.

"I'm sorry. I lost track of time and I was with Cardan. So, that's why I-"

Taryn finally turns to look at me. "Jude, I'm not angry at you. I really mean it. I'm just a bit tired"

I blink, looking up at her with slightly relieved reaction. But I still feel conflicted even if her words are the truth. Taryn approaches me and sits beside me, taking my hand in hers. I am unsure of what to say, and when Taryn squeezes my hand, I look up at her. She forces a smile at me - it is the truth, she really is tired. The bags under her eyes are too real to be seen as one of her makeup aesthetics - she must have stayed up and fretted about the dresses during my absent.

A sharp pang of guilt washes over me like a river flood. I want to apologize again, but as Taryn opens her mouth to speak, my words die in my throat. "Never ever apologize for spending time with your boyfriend. I understand how it's like, so don't feel sorry. You know my emotions get the best of me when I'm tired"

I nod and press my lips together, feeling something inside me easing at the comfort of her words. Perhaps Taryn is right - maybe I don't have to feel guilty just because I spend days and nights with Cardan without even bothering to contact any of my sisters or my parents. Oh, that is another matter to worry about.

I know not what to believe. A part of me still feels guilty for prioritizing Cardan over my sisters and other important things, but another part of me - the selfish part of me believes that I am right because it is Cardan. That part of me believes spending time and creating memories and doing things with Cardan are the only things that matter to me. Even if he does not feel the same, it is fine. Love is temporary. Everything is temporary, after all.

And then, there's the matter with my parents. As much as I hope for indifferent reactions, but I know something is about to click if I told them I am dating Cardan - that I am besotted with Cardan, out of all people I can fall for. Mom will probably accept him with open arms and make him like her own son like how she does to Garrett, but I know not what to expect when it comes to my dad.

Throughout the entire time of elementary and middle school, he was the person I vented all my problems to. They can be anything - my insecurity, my struggles, my uncertainty at things I want, and also about Cardan - and he would listen to me like all fathers would. And every time I talked about Cardan, I ended up crying in his arms because I felt terrible and weak. Throughout middle school, he was the person I mostly talked to - except when it came to my menstruation cycle. 

And as much as I hate to imagine it, I have a very strong feeling that my dad is not going to like the idea of me dating my former nemesis. Dating Cardan is one thing, and then there's the matter of me and Valerian calling a truce and being friends right now. I know not what to expect from him, but I do believe my dad is not going to allow me to befriend the blonde. Come to think of it again, involving myself within Cardan's inner circle is as stupid as one can be.

I snap out of my thoughts and direct my eyes toward the mannequin dolls in the middle of our room. I study Taryn's purple dress briefly, before going to look at my dress. The top is the color of midnight, somehow reminding me the dark shade of Cardan's hair. Slightly lighter shade of blue muslin gathers as my skirt, frothing quantities of it. I tilt my head and observe the puffed sleeves that start just above my elbow so my shoulders are bare. There is a curtain of soft satin flowing down from the back of the waist down to the floor - the material adorned with little pearls and beads all over it.

I am unsure as to who I should thank for this creation. Taryn comes from behind and wraps her arms around my shoulder, and we both beam at each other. "Taryn, these are so beautiful. They are perfect"

Taryn's smile grows bigger. "They are your designs, Jude. I am just merely finishing them up"

I snort and smack her shoulder playfully. "Quit that humbleness. You're as good at designing as I am. And, considering that you take fashion designing, I doubt you are less than me"

"That definitely is a compliment" she says and walks to her bed, and we both laugh in joy. "The only thing I'm worried about is how everyone is going to react to our dresses. Oh, I kind of want to start my own brand"

That's actually a very good idea if Taryn wants to skip the part of working for other small fashion business. Out of nowhere, the memory of Cardan showing me his family's company project file comes to my mind - the one regarding the Fall season. I look at the wall beside Taryn's bed and at the board next to her desk. So many designs and pieces of fabrics are pasted there for research purposes. 

Maybe she can work with Cardan. I mean, technically, work for Cardan, but aren't they friends? So it doesn't really matter if Cardan takes Taryn under his wing. Plus, I believe if I tell Cardan this, he can take the matter to Dain and it can help them to find more designers with greater talents than the one they already have at the company. I look at Taryn and turn to look at our dresses.

"Taryn, you know the Greenbriar company has their fashion show twice a year, right?" I say, still looking at the dresses. I have no idea how I'm supposed to bring this topic up. We are a week away from graduation, and considering the challenge for post-graduates to find work these days, maybe I can secure us a spot at that company. Or, at least Taryn's.

"Yeah, they are fabulous. I wish I can work with them at least once in my life"

"That's what I'm going for" I say. And before I can resume, Taryn shots a curious look as she sits on her bed. 

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

"Well, Cardan is actually managing the fall project for that company and they are still using the same designers they have been working with for the past five years. So, I think perhaps I can get you to work with him and the rest of his team"

A quizzical look comes on Taryn's face, apparently still confused with my words. "Wait. Let me try to get the point. You are offering me a spot in Greenbriar Inc? You? Is this some sort of another Greenbriar girlfriend privilege you have?"

I shake my head at the ridiculousness of her words. I sit on her bed and hold her hands. "No, not some stupid privilege. It's just an idea I came up with. I haven't talked to Cardan yet, but I know he will like the idea. He keeps complaining about how those designers are as annoying as Dain, and I think having a friend working with him is a good idea"

Taryn raises a teasing eyebrow. "Of course, Cardan will like the idea. It's your idea"

I shake my head and laugh softly. "My idea or not, it is brilliant. You're a great designer, and if Cardan think you're no good for that company, it's his loss"

"You won't mind your twin working with your boyfriend?" Taryn's eyebrow - if possible - rises higher. I snort and roll my eyes. 

Taryn hugs me and I smile, for the first time feeling really appreciated as a sister. Due to our differences despite being twins, I realize that Taryn spends more time with Vivi, making it difficult for me to become close to her - especially with my absolute trash social skills. But now, as she hugs me, I resist the urge to spill my tears. It is not meant to be sad right now, this is a moment where we take a long look and savor each of it.

A memory for one to always remember if any storms of hardship ever came. Taryn releases the hug and looks at me, a bright smile and a tear escapes her eye. I chuckle and wipe the tear away, smiling comfortingly at her. "I will help you with Maddy's makeup for the party. I love you, Jude"

"I love you too, Taryn"

Chapter Text

As promised by Taryn, she helps me with doing a Maddy inspired look for tonight's event. That definitely doesn't help my obsession of Euphoria - especially now the finale is very close. Our graduation ceremony is done yesterday - both Taryn and I have graduated with our degrees and are now looking for some small work that suit our degrees.

As for Taryn, I have brought up the topic to Cardan and without asking my motives or doubting any of my request, he agrees and takes Taryn into his team. He also told me that Dain has no objection towards the suggestion - he didn't tell his brother it was my suggestion to make things easier - and now Taryn is helping Cardan with designs and he is helping her with the company's rules. She is no official employee, but she is probably going to be recruited soon.

As for me, I might settle for a job at any art galleries nearby. Once I manage to save enough money, I will buy myself a car so that I won't have to trouble myself by booking taxis or asking Vivi to drive me to work. Cardan has suggested for me to work at his family's company, but I have no wish to do so - at least, for now - and I want to work at a place that suits my liking. When you're desperate for a job, you really can't care less if your boss is going to be a good or a tyrant one.

Besides, if I were to work at Greenbriar Inc, that means getting swept into a department under Dain's or Balekin's control. There is no way I can get under Cardan's wing as it is impossible for him to have one of his own. Except, his title as an heir allows him to also get a high position post-graduation. But to be really honest, I don't have any idea and I don't want to think about it.

I have applied to several art shops and galleries - including an art gallery under Greenbriar Inc. Although it seems absurd when I can use my privilege as Cardan's girlfriend to get a better job at the company, I prefer to stay low as to avoid any of the people who might be aware of our relationship. One thing about dating a Greenbriar, we are constantly photographed. Of course, it is shocking at first, but I grow accustomed to it by now. 

I take a last look in the long mirror next to my bed, observing my outfit and accessories and hair and makeup and shoes I choose for the night. I have chosen a pair of white d'orsay heels that have sparkles on the heels - a gift by Cardan. He sent these a few days ago - his butler sent them - with a wish of seeing me wearing them one day. And at that time, I already chose to wear another pair of white ankle strap heels, but later changed my mind as I can't help the delight inside me upon receiving his present.

They are gorgeous, and although those words don't feel right, I can't seem to find other words to describe how perfect they go with my dress and accessories. My hair is arranged into a low chignon with a few hairs flowing down to frame my face and to highlight the sparkly blue earrings I put on for the night. I borrow one of Taryn's cute purse to put my phone and money inside. With the last intake of deep breath, I open the door and descend the stairs with butterflies pooling in my stomach.

The satin flows down on my back, making me look like a princess in those Disney shows I used to watch daily when I was younger. I wet my lips and smile shyly at Vivi and Heather who are looking at me with awe, seemingly bereft of speech. Vivi smiles and approaches me, pulling me into a hug before kissing my cheek. "Take care. And don't be rash"

"I'm in a dress, how can I possibly be?"

Vivi raises an eyebrow, and I let out a sigh. She's right. Even in skirts and expensive shoes, I can still get myself into trouble, if not, creating one. "Fine. I won't be rash"

Vivi's lips curl up into a satisfied smile. "Well, then. Make sure that your sister is also not drunk"

I laugh and wave at them as I make my way towards the door. I nervously twist the doorknob, and find Cardan waiting on the bench outside my gate, a bouquet of flowers resting beside him. As if sensing my presence, Cardan picks up the bouquet and turns to me, a wide smile on his face as our eyes meet.

I lower myself into a curtsy and Cardan makes a dramatic bow, and we both laugh. Cardan approaches me and offers me a hand as he helps me to walk down the stairs without tripping on the curtain behind me. His face is one of indecipherable amusement, the look he always has with him whenever something catches his interest. And, I want to believe that my dress is catching his interest for him to look at me like that.

The bouquet exchanges hands and I take a moment to revel in its scent, both comforting and thrilling at the same time. Cardan still hasn't spoken a word and I, too, is afraid to trust my own self because of the loud thud of my heartbeat. It would be so embarrassing if Cardan can hear my heartbeat right now as his intertwines our fingers together, kissing the ring on my finger. 

Cardan is dressed in a blue suit - a shade slightly darker than my dress - and he has silver rings adorning fingers on his hands. The shirt inside is white, with a tie matching the color of his suit. His hair is done in the usual mess - reminding me this is a party and not a formal business galas like the ones I watch in movies filled with aristocrats with their absurd outfits. Cardan's hand rests against my back, and I almost jump at the warmth of his skin.

Is he too warm or the night is just too chilly?

To say the least, Cardan looks impossibly beautiful tonight. He looks like a prince who comes straight out of a fantasy romance books that Taryn always tells me. The one with hair dark as midnight, eyes the color of storms and the persona where the girls who leave him can never receive any good. Cardan has always been horrifyingly beautiful, but tonight - right now - he looks ethereal. It seems surreal that I am dating this man.

I have to tell him tonight. I need to tell him that I love him tonight. I will tell him tonight.

"Have I told you how hideous you look tonight?" Cardan asks, looking at me with a titillating smirk.

I know he means to tease me, so I roll my eyes and cross my arms together. "No. Tell me"

"I can't" Cardan's lips turn into a soft smile as he takes my hand, leading me to his car.

I slip into his car with a smile and Cardan pecks my lips before running to his seat. I laugh as our eyes meet again, enjoying the little moment of laughing for no reason just by looking at him. Maybe because it's him - because it's Cardan. The mere thought of him has me smiling, how can I possibly not laugh when I'm with him? My world feels complete just by his presence beside me. I wonder if he thinks the same from all the looks and laughs and touches we share together.

We don't talk for the rest of the ride, but our fingers remain intertwined together as a mutual understanding of nerves. Cardan knows I am nervous as this is my first ever party - except his pool party - and as someone who knows a lot about parties, he has assured me that he will try to make me feel as comfortable as possible.

Cardan's eyes are stuck on the road as he drives, not even once glancing at my direction. I take the moment to study his sharp features - those features I have come to love and admit as beautiful ever since we were young. I watch the way his jaw clenches every time the traffic lights turn red, completely irritated by the sudden halt. His cheekbones are even more visible when he has his hair styled that way. I wonder if he thinks of me as beautiful as I think of him.

Remember when I said I know absolute nothing about love? But now, I believe this is the definition of love. It is a broad spectrum, love is. And to define it specifically is one hard task. But I do know that when I'm with Cardan, it's love. The sense of belonging every time he gathers me in his arms, the guarantee of protection every time our limbs are tangled together in bed, the sense of home when I know he is close to me. Love is like home - the sense of belonging, familiarity and protection are guaranteed in ways more than one.

As I study his features and expression silently, I wonder what he thinks of love. Surely he knows more about it than me. He's been in relationships ever since high school - and although thirteen was a young age to get yourself involved with someone, but love is ageless, it can happen anytime and anywhere with whoever you are destined to be with. Surely Cardan has fallen in love before to know what it feels like.

Does he love me like the rest of his former lovers? Or, does he love me more than them? Or, does he love me less than them? Surely, there is one lover who he holds dearly to his heart. Although I know not of his feelings, but to think of him preferring his former lovers than me stings. It feels like someone has jabbed a needle to the very center of my beating heart - so little pressure but the amount of pain it sends is like a shockwave of the ocean washing all over a town.

It's better to not being loved instead of being loved less.

"Jude, are you ready?" Cardan rests a hand on my shoulder, and I offer him a smile.

"Yes, I'm ready"

Cardan walks out from the car and opens my door, offering me a hand as we enter the ballroom where the homecoming party is being held in. A banner of our university's name is hung high on the ceilings, the disco balls and loud music brightening up the mood. This is a party for all recent post-graduates, and I realize this is probably the last time we will meet each other. Maybe some will end up working together, but some will drift apart and if the friendship is strong enough, then maybe they can save the strained relationship from being broken apart.

My eyes move around, spotting Taryn with a group of guys and girls. Garrett is by her side, an arm on her back. Noticing me, they both smile and wave, and I grin at them as I make my way towards the photo booth with Cardan beside me. We should take pictures - I didn't dress up as magnificent as a princess to not take any pictures.

Liliver and her friend, Nore are sitting on the chairs beside the booth, holding cameras.

I greet them and offer Liliver a hug. She smiles at me and her jaw drops instantly at the sight of my dress. "Girl, you look so beautiful! Spin around, I wanna take a look!" 

I spin around and laugh as Liliver claps her hands, adoring the pearls on the curtain of my dress. Cardan places an arm on my waist and asks Liliver to take pictures of us. She accepts the request with obvious delight, and starts clicking on her Canon camera before taking out a lime green Instax camera to make polaroid of us. I smile as Cardan pulls me closer, kissing my cheek as Liliver captures our picture.

She gives us two polaroid pictures - one with us looking at each other with bright smiles, and the other is the one where Cardan kisses my cheek. I take out my phone and ask Liliver to take some more pictures of us and she giggles, accepting the offer in delight. After finishing with the photography session, we thank her and Liliver kisses my cheek as we depart. It didn't slip out of my hearing that she shouts you guys are the best campus couple that has my cheeks red and Cardan bursting into laughter.

The music turns into soft ballad one and Cardan offers me a hand, taking me to the dance floor. All those nights spent in his apartment, he has thought me the basic dancing skills that I can master within minutes. Our eyes are locked together as we move to the rhythm, ignoring the eyes of others watching us as they also join us on the dance floor.

"You're the most beautiful person I have ever seen" Cardan says, his gaze still locked on mine.

My cheeks turn hot, and I resist the urge to look away. I rest both palms against his chest, and Cardan drops a hand to place around my waist. "Such flattery won't win my heart, Cardan"

"I'm not using any flattery. I mean it. You're so beautiful, Jude" he says, spinning me to the music before locking our gazes together again. "I want to shower you with praises everyday for the rest of my life, Jude. You are all I want by my side. Every single imagination of my future has you in it"

I am uncertain as to what to say of his sudden confession. Surely he must be joking as he said that, right? I look up at him, trying to search any lie or trickery in his eyes, but I find none. His walls are up again, but he still has that delicate smile on him as he spins me around. He pulls me closer and holds my hand, guiding me into the dance he taught me.

Every single imagination of my future has you in it. There is a burning desire to keep holding onto him as I drown myself in his words. I know not what to believe - it seems too impossible to think of him to say something like that to someone like me - someone so different in life and status. Someone so different and low compared to him.

Even if he meant that speech, they are the biggest obstacle in one's life. Surely Cardan realizes that this relationship is not meant to be forever - isn't love temporary? And he clearly has made no declaration of loving me and I, too, despite the burning desire to tell him what I really feel. 

A change of song brings me out of my trance, and a ring bells inside my hand. Time to change partners. I smile at Cardan as he takes another girl's hand - Nicasia. I look up and find that I am now dancing with Valerian. We don't speak for the first minute of the dance until he squeezes my hand, and I look back at him.

"You seem troubled" he says, concern obvious in his voice. Since when had we start caring for each other?

"I- is it possible to love someone only after three months dating?" I say, uncaring of what his reaction is going to be as I continue. "I'm confused. I've never fallen in love before, and I have no idea how it feels. But I know now that I love Cardan. And I'm scared"

Valerian spins me around and when our eyes meet again, he offers me a reassuring smile. "I believe if you love him, then tell him. Be the first to move. And don't think of rejection, never think of rejection. Once you think of it, it will spread through your body like a virus that ends up stalling the time you have with him. And, if you want something to believe in, then believe that Cardan is also in love with you as much as you are in love with him"

I look down to our feet, completely conflicted with my own heart and mind. "If I allow myself to think so, wouldn't it be worse? Won't the thought of him preferring his exes corrupting my mind?"

Valerian kisses my knuckle and smiles. "Then, don't think like that. Be selfish. Sometimes, you have to be selfish to acquire someone you love" he says, spinning me again. My back rests against his chest, and I bite my lower lip, resisting the urge to cry into his arms. "Be selfish, Jude. It's fine. If you are afraid of losing him, then be selfish"

The music stops, and I thank Valerian for his little encouragement before departing. I turn back to look at him and find him making a cheering pose for me, and I smile. I turn back and look for Cardan in the crowd - it should not be so hard considering his terrifying height. Who allows a person to be as tall as a tree or a roadside light? I walk through the crowd to get to him but before I can get there, someone steps on my dress and a ripping sound rings in my ears.

Furious, I turn my head and find Nicasia stepping on my dress with a satisfied smirk. I clench my jaw as our eyes meet, trying to push my anger away. "You ruined my dress" I start, my voice trembling from suppressed anger. Nicasia's smirk grows bigger, as if what she did is something to be very proud of. 

She approaches me with a smile and stops when we are standing right next to each other. "Your dress is just an ornament. Surely you know I'm going to ruin your life if it meant getting Cardan back"

Fear and panic rise inside me but I try to keep my emotions hidden, hissing at Nicasia as a warning. "Cardan won't like you if you hurt me. He already dislikes you for cheating on him. Keep dreaming"

"Oh, you don't want to know what I will do to have him back. He is mine, Duarte. You know that"

I let out a breezy laugh, suddenly entertained by her claiming Cardan as hers. I grab a cup from the nearest table and pour it on her dress, reciprocating the energy of ruining my dress. Her eyes grow wide, fury slowly setting ablaze in those pale eyes. I smirk at her, satisfied with the damage I've caused. "And you know I won't let that happen. Whatever happened between the two of you is none of his concern anymore. So, stay away from Cardan or your life is going to be ruined"

I walk away, carefully glancing at the ripped part of the drape. Thank God, it is not too visible if one were to glance my way. The last part is a lie - I have no intention of ruining her life, but I will do everything in my power to make sure Cardan won't go back to her. I won't let that happen. Even the thought of them getting back together scares me enough as it is to see them really together.

I find Cardan and walk towards him, and he instantly pulls me closer to him. His expression is puzzled as he catches sight of the fabric of my dress. "What happened to your dress?"

"I accidentally stepped on it. It's fine, nothing that I can't manage, actually" I say, giving him a reassuring smile. Cardan smiles and offers me the marshmallow and we walk through the crowd while laughing at the conversations we overheard. I look up at Cardan as he looks to the decorations, his gaze seems unfocused.

Can it happen? Can Nicasia and Cardan happen again? Or, will Cardan go back to his former lovers? The thought terrifies me so much that it feels uncomfortable to stay in his arms. But, I remain silent as I look at him. What if we break things off one day? Who will he go to when we are over? Will he go back to make things up with me or will he find a new lover? Or, will he go to his oldest friend, Nicasia, to seek comfort from her?

I shake my head and take his hand, leaning my head against his chest as we listen to the soft music. "Cardan. What you said just now, when you said your future involves me, did you speak the truth?"

Cardan smiles and leans down to kiss my lips softly. "It's the truth. I didn't lie to you, nor will I ever lie about such a thing" he says softly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. His eyes are calm and unguarded despite the color of storm, and I can see the emotions displaying there, as if he is trying to say something with just those eyes.

"Why me?" I whisper, barely audible, but Cardan hears me, nonetheless.

He turns me facing him, but I refuse to look up at him. Every time I think about my feelings for him, the next thing I imagine is us breaking up and him going back to Nicasia. And, I don't ever want to think about that. I don't want to think of the possibility of Cardan getting back with her. I don't want him to get back with his ex who has a creepy behavior of stalking me. I hate her and I am scared of her. But I am also scared of losing Cardan to her.

I love him so much that it hurts to imagine him with someone else.

"I don't need a reason for that, Jude. I want you to know that I'm always with you. I will always protect and take care of you and will never ever let you go. I know that, it is my promise to you. I knew little else" he cups my face with both his palms- "but I always knew you"

I rise to my toes and press my lips against his, pouring all of the untold confession that I wish I can tell him easily without worrying of the consequences. Tears immediately fall to my cheek, but I refuse to break the kiss. I cling my arms around his neck and pull him closer, kissing him desperately as if this is the last time we will ever get to kiss and feel each other with our emotions and vulnerabilities completely unguarded. 

"Don't leave me, Cardan. I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you" I say, my voice breaking as tears spill more, falling to my collarbone and Cardan's suit. We stay in this position for a few seconds, before I pull away, looking away from Cardan. Cardan pulls me flushed against himself, pressing a soft kiss on my forehead.

"I won't leave you, Jude, nor will I let you go. I promise you that" he says, a big thumb coming to wipe the tears on my cheek.

I force a smile despite the pain building inside me just because of looking at him, and wrap my arms around his neck. "I will hunt you in afterlife if you ever leave me, you know that"

Cardan lets out a laugh and shakes his head. "You don't have to worry about that. I choose you, and I will always choose you"

My hand reaches out to touch his face, and Cardan leans in, resting his forehead against mine. It doesn't matter if this is temporary, I will push the dreadful thought away and cherish all the moments I have and have yet to make with him. I want to tell him so many things - but it hurts to just think of telling him those if it means losing him one day. They are better unsaid - I will tell him once I'm ready. I will - that's my promise.

"I might need to go to the toilet. Need to fix my makeup" I say, stepping out of Cardan's arms. 

Cardan laughs softly and pecks my lips, nodding. "Don't take too long"

"I won't"

I smile as I walk away, ignoring the splintering of thoughts echoing the walls in my head. Maybe I don't have to tell him today - maybe he already knows about my feelings and has no problem in reciprocating my feelings. Maybe he already knows and he also loves me, but too afraid to say. Maybe he is also confused with his own feelings - once filled with hatred so hot that it gave him pleasure but now it turns into something else - hotter, but different.

The music is loud enough that I can hear them from the toilet outside the ballroom. I place my purse - Taryn's - on the counter and take out my mascara, fixing the dried ones because of my tears. Thank God, none of it are smudged despite the amount of tears escaping me. I take out my phone and find three new messages from Taryn. I open it and read them all.

T: hey! i want to take pictures with you. wya?
T: cardan told me you're in the loo. meet at the booth
T: oh, and nore is managing now

I let out a soft chuckle as I type my reply. 

Be there in 5 mins :)

I put my phone back into my purse and re-apply my lipstick and smile at my reflection in the mirror. Glancing around and after making sure no one is here or watching me, I take out my phone and begin taking pictures of myself with various expression. It's not even two minutes yet, hope Taryn doesn't mind waiting. 

I take the polaroid Liliver took and put it at the back of my phone - the one with Cardan and I looking at each other with bright smiles and flushed cheeks. Ah, Cardan must have taken the other polaroid - that sneaky little thing. I smile as I look at the picture before texting Taryn, informing her that I'm on my way.

As I step out of the toilet, someone grabs me by my wrist and before panic can take over my senses, I turn and twist his arm, kicking him hard in the stomach before flipping him down. Well, at least those taekwondo lessons are paid off. Without looking at the face of my to-be attacker, I storm off towards the direction of the ballroom.

Before I can get into the ballroom, before I even get the chance to step on the staircase leading to the door, someone grabs me by my waist and wraps a weirdly-scented cloth against my mouth. Despite the tight grip, I push away the panic and fear building inside me, trying to fight off the incredible strength. How can one possibly be this strong?

I struggle against the person strong grip, using the heels of my shoes to hurt him. But it is to no avail. I feel my energy draining out of me and my head becomes dizzy out of sudden. Black spots start appearing in my vision and I try to remain conscious, thinking of a way to get away from this person.

The scent of the cloth against my mouth is too much. I can't think, I can't fight, I can't run away. The world starts become blurry as I am dragged away by an anonymous identity. I catch the sound of door closing and mere seconds later, I am dropped against the cold cemented floor. There's a stabbing pain in my head as I try to make out what place I'm in.

I couldn't lift a finger, I couldn't croak out any sound to ask for help. My lungs start to burn, and I clutch to my chest despite the pain that is about to explode from my head. My head hits the floor, and realization comes across me. Fentanyl - I've been drugged. But the realization is too late.

My world turns pitch black in the matter of seconds, pain and fear taking all over my body.

Chapter Text

"Where am I?"

The world around me is accompanied by the bright sunlight, and I am lying down on the grass. I sit back and look down at my outfit - a white dress that stops below my knees with short puffed sleeves. Around me are beautiful flowers in various soft colors - lilac, stardust, mulberry, burgundy, verdigris, cream, ivory, baby pink, baby blue, periwinkle, mint - and small animals such as rabbits and cats. 

I brace my hands on the bright chartreuse grass beneath me as I stand on my feet, ignoring the fact that I am completely barefooted. I look around me and find trees and fireflies circling above me, and I smile at them. I raise my hand to touch the air, enjoying the way the summer breeze is hitting my soft skin.

At some point of my childhood, I have decided that summer is my most favorite season and every time it is summer break, I will try to learn many things to create more memories - either with my family and relatives or by my own. I remember learning how to cook so many Chinese cuisines during summer break when I was 13, and learning the crochet as well as getting myself into more types of art and painting.

Those are one of the happiest moments in my life. Right now, I am standing alone on a field surrounding me with beautiful flowers and exotic animals, but I feel empty. As if there's a part of me that has been ripped away and I am here to search the missing part. I touch the flowers and instantly gasp when my hand goes through them instead of feeling their texture.

I pull my hand away and clutch it closer to my chest, staring at the flowers with wide eyes. What is happening? Why can't I touch them? Why did my hand go through them? I raise my hands to the direction of the sun, and see shadow forming. That means I'm not dead, right? I can still feel myself - solid and hard - so why can't I touch those flowers?

I continue to walk and try to touch the animals, and they run away from me. A sharp pang of pain hits me straight in my heart like a bullet, and I resist the urge to cry as the animals run further away from me. I spot a mirror and instantly run towards it, looking at my reflection.

My body is lithe - as if I have lost several amount of weight. A dress that's supposed to fit me perfectly now hangs loose on me, flowing with the wind. My hair is put into a neat braid that rests on my shoulder. My cheekbones are hollow and there are dark circles under my eyes - it's no wonder those animals run away from me. I look like shit - even I myself is terrified at the sight before me.

Before I can get lost in self-insulting, I turn away from the mirror and continue to wander around the field aimlessly. Isn't there anyone living nearby? I can't seem to find any small cottage to give me hope of someone else living here, and to be honest, can a bread miraculously appear? I am so hungry right now. It feels like weeks of starving but only a few days have passed.

Let's be honest. Wherever this place is, I need to leave. I have no idea where I am and although this place is so beautiful, but I need to leave right now. There is no such thing as beauty lasting forever. I am certain something bad is about to happen if I were to stay here longer. I shake my head and look at the sky above me.

"Look, this place is beautiful, but also boring. I don't know where I am, but please take me home. Are you God? Well, please come here and take me home. I don't want to die single and unloved"

I place my hands on the side of my waist, waiting for any response. I don't care if it's the sky, the water, the grass, even the air, but someone - something has to answer me. After a full minute of silence and still no answer, I roll my eyes and sigh. "Listen here, you shit" I say, speaking to no one and nothing. "If I can't go home, then let me have some food. Perhaps creamed bread and chocolate?"

Well, I sound so crazy right now. But, I can't really blame myself for that. I am hungry and desperate for a taste of expensive French baguette. It will be such a blessing if someone or something can provide me wine so I can get drunk and ignore the fact that I can't return home. Who knows what can change my mind? If the chocolate here tastes better, I might consider making a living and die alone here - as long as I am with my unending stock of chocolates.

My stomach growls, and I instantly place a hand on it. Damn it, perhaps a fresh meat? Or a glass of milk? Oh, what I would kill just to eat the duck my Chinese grandmother cooks all the time during New Year's Eve. I press my hand harder, and instantly flinch as I feel a sudden stab of pain.

It's not much, but it's not bearable for me - especially when I'm hungry and starved and unsure of my own well-being. My hand moves lower and when I place my hand on that one part beneath my stomach, spots of blood start appearing on my white dress. What- what is going on?

I turn my head around and find flowers and animals dead - and I instantly gasp in horror. The tree branches move away and the fireflies drop dead to the ground beneath me, and the bright chartreuse color of the ground turns into the color of a murky seawater. Fear rises inside of me, mingling with the pain in my stomach and the one that starts growing on my leg.

"Jude?"

I don't have to pay attention to the face of the voice as I turn my head. I don't know if there is any loose screws in my head, but I run towards the voice. A guy in white suit. "Cardan!"

I don't know why I run to him, but I do. Isn't he suppose to be my enemy? But why am I crying as I make my way towards him? And then, realization hits me. Every time I move, the distance between us grows. I know not what to believe, so I take another step. Cardan seems so far away right now.

I dare myself and take another step, but before I can check the change, I collapse to the ground, crying. My dress is dirty with little spots of blood and the hem of the dress is filled with dirt. My tears fall down as I try to stop the pain although I know it is to no avail. What is going on? What should I do? 

"Jude, don't cry" Cardan's voice is breezy, and it makes me want to cry harder.

I glare up at him. "Well, don't just stand there! Come here and help me!"

"I can't, Jude" Cardan says, and tears start to spill again from my eyelids. Dear Heavens, when did I become so weepy? I have never cried this hard before. And, out of all people, why is Cardan here? Why is he the one who has to witness me completely weak and covered in blood and dirt? Why does he have to embarrass me like this?

I cry for a few moments, forcing myself to ignore the pain. I look up at Cardan, his hand reaching out. I don't even realize he is right in front of me. "Come back to me, Jude"

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

Cardan doesn't elaborate, but instead, he repeats himself. "Come back to me, Jude. Come back"

"You shit! Can you just explain-"

Nicasia appears beside Cardan, taking his hand and smirking as she looks down at me. I look back at Cardan, and find him looking at Nicasia with obvious infatuation. What is happening? Didn't they break up? Does he still love her? The thought brings a stabbing pain into my heart. I look at them, confusion and panic rising inside me. What the fuck is going on?

"Look at him. Your lover. He asked you to come back, but you can't"

"He's not my lover" I hiss, annoyed at Nicasia's words.

Nicasia's smirk grows bigger. "Oh, not yet. I told you I will do anything to get him back. I can ruin your life"

Cardan turns to look at me, his expression indecipherable. "Jude, come back. Come back to me, Jude"

And with that, Cardan and Nicasia disappear within thin air, and I scream. I scream, cry and scream and cry until I am out of energy. Blood is around me, coming from my own self, but I don't know why or how. The scent is making me dizzy - I can't think straight. I want to go home - I don't want to stay here. I miss my sisters, I miss my parents, I miss my friends.

And most of all, as much as I hate to admit it, I miss Cardan Greenbriar.

"Please" I croak out. "Please take me back to Cardan"

I open my eyes and meet with the sight of bright lights and white walls. My eyes move around, trying to make a guess of where I am. Where is this place? Am I lying down? And what is this horrible pain that I feel on my stomach and my leg? I glance around and find the top of black hair. The face is down, but I know who it is. 

I feel tears forming in my eyes as my fingers twitch. "Cardan" I whisper, barely audible.

Cardan sits up straight, his eyes frantic as he looks at me. His hair is longer than the last time I saw him, and it seems like he didn't shave for a week. There are dark circles under his eyes - I assume they are from the lack of sleep. He is wearing a white shirt with black jeans. Nothing more, nothing less. He looks miserable.

"Jude? Jude? You're awake? I'm not dreaming?"

I am unsure of what to say, so I just look at him. "Pinch your cheek to see if you're dreaming or not"

Cardan nods and instantly pinches his cheek, and when he flinches, a single tear falls from his eyes. I am too surprised to form words at the display of emotions. Cardan has never cried - not even once in my life has I ever seen him cry. He takes my hand and places it against his cheek, and I almost jolt at the sudden rush of warmth. Oh my God, I miss his touches so much.

The door pushes open, revealing Vivi and Taryn. ''Cardan, are you-" their eyes trail over to me, and their eyes widen in surprise. "Jude! Taryn, go call the doctor!"

Without wasting any time, Vivi rushes into my room and sits on the opposite side of Cardan, her eyes searching me to see if she is also dreaming. And as the realization sinks in, Vivi bursts out crying, and I instantly reach out to hold her hand. Vivi cries into my palm and although I am supposed to grimace at that, I resist the urge. Plus, I am too tired to give any reaction right now.

A few minutes later, Taryn returns with a doctor and two nurses behind her. Vivi stands up and offers me a smile, and I offer her back a weak smile as she walks out from the room with Taryn. Cardan reluctantly releases his grip on my hand as he walks out, his eyes never leaving me as Taryn guides him out. I'm in a hospital - how did I end up lying in a hospital bed?

"Hello, Miss Duarte. Perhaps you want some water?" the doctor smiles as he pours a glass of water for me.

I take the glass warily and gulp everything down, ignoring how badly sore my throat actually is. God, how long was I asleep? I clear my throat and put the glass back on the nightstand, staring at the doctor in confusion. The nametag on his coat shows the name Martin - well, he definitely doesn't look like a Martin.

"Miss Duarte, how are you feeling?"

"Well, clueless. Dizzy. Sore in my leg and I have no idea why"

Martin frowns upon my last words. Well, what's so weird about that? I certainly remember flipping a guy who's obviously taller than me - and I know it was a guy because of how disgusting he smelt - and then someone covered my mouth with fentanyl soaked cloth that has me dizzy and unable to breath or think properly. And then that weird dream and/or nightmare with blood soaking my white dress and Nicasia and Cardan. Well, how did I suddenly bleed? 

"Miss Duarte-"

"Call me Jude"

"Well, Jude. You were unconscious for several days"

I raise my eyebrow as I see the doubt on his face as he speaks. Well, I am certainly not buying that. Martin sighs. "You were unconscious for seventeen days, due to the major factors of concussion and intense loss of blood. You were rushed to the OT as soon as you got here on Friday, August 25th at 10.30 pm. You were dosed with a big amount of fentanyl and were shot twice, one on the side of your leg, and the other a few centimeters away from your fallopian tube-"

I raise my hand, looking at the IV drip attached there. I press the hand to my body and feel the pain resurfacing - oh, that is certainly one way to bring back a pain I have no recollection of receiving. I study my nails and turn my head to look at Martin and the two nurses. "I was shot?"

Martin nods. "Twice. So I was saying, the bullet was close to your fallopian tube but we managed to remove it and I believe there will be no bad consequences. But, the chance for you to become sterile is very likely, but we can't be certain. We will give you meds that will help to prevent any such thing from happening"

I raise my hand, halting whatever speech Martin is about to explain. I close my eyes, trying to put all the information into place. So, I was admitted to the hospital the night of the homecoming party and was sent straight to the Operation Theatre because I loss a big amount of blood. I was drugged and shot twice. But I don't remember getting shot - is there any screw loose in my head?

But, there is one thing that I remember that was supposed to happen that night. I was supposed to tell Cardan I love him, but I didn't. Because I'm nothing but a coward - a pathetic and useless coward who can't even be certain of her own feelings. I press the heels of my palms against my eyes, regretting every inch of stupidity that exists within me.

"This certainly has been a delightful news, but I do not remember being shot. I do, however remember someone covering my mouth with fentanyl soaked cloth"

"It seems like the concussion has erased a part of your memory" Martin says, writing something on his clipboard. The scribbling sound coming from his pain has me resisting the urge to throw the tissue box at him, asking him to stop making that little noise. It is extremely annoying, and the annoyance doubles in this big hospital room. This seems like a room for someone with privilege or a respectable figure - how can I be placed in this ward?

"Who took me here? I remembered being dragged into a room, but after that, everything seems blurry and it hurts to try to recall any of it"

Martin seems hesitating as he opens his mouth. He takes a deep breath and looks at his clipboard for a few seconds before looking back at me. "I think you can ask any of your visitors out there" he says, tucking his clipboard between his arm and the length of his torso. "I'll be going now. Press the button if you need anything, the nurses will come to your aid"

"Thank you, Doctor" I watch as Martin and the two dresses in uniform follow him out of my room. I glance at the glass pane separating me and the bright hallway outside. Vivi and Taryn are sitting with their heads facing me, while Cardan sits on the other side, his head on Elowyn's lap. I guess he doesn't really care how miserable he looks at this point if he is willing to sacrifice his self-image by clinging to his sister.

I watch Martin speaks to Taryn and Vivi, and Cardan - who is no doubt listening to him as well - springs up and fixes his hair, and I bite my cheek as I try to hold back my laugh. It feels bad to laugh when I'm here and he looks like he's seconds away from crushing a stone to Martin's head as he listens tentatively to the doctor's word. I turn my head to the nightstand and find my phone. The clear case has little spots of blood smearing at the edge, and I grimace.

The door pushes open rather harshly and Cardan storms into the room, his eyes frantic as he searches me. He drops to the seat beside my bed, sighing hard as he takes my hand. He doesn't look at me as he rests his forehead on my palm, and I feel his tears soaking my skin. He is crying again. I wonder how many times he's cried while I was unconscious. And, even as I am witnessing it now, I find myself incapable of believing that Cardan Greenbriar has shed tears in life. His own tears, I mean - he made me cry in the past quite too many times.

"Cardan, I'm here. Stop crying"

Cardan looks at me, and despite the tears, his stare is sharp and furious. "You fucking idiot! It was supposed to be our night! Do you have any idea how worried I was? I should have followed you to the toilet" he says, regret heavy in his voice. A sharp stab of pain goes straight to my heart.

"It was the girls' toilet"

"Well, I can wait outside while you fix your makeup or anything" Cardan mumbles, and I let out a soft laugh. My fingers instantly tangle themselves in his hair, relishing in the softness and smoothness of them. Our eyes meet and I force a weak smile. Weak, but sincere. "Your hair has grown longer. And, you didn't shave?"

I say, touching the scrub under his chin. It's not much, but it's there - I can feel the roughness as I touch his cheek. Cardan rests his head on the bed, his gaze goes up at me with affectionate grace. "There's no reason to bother about that when you were in coma for almost three weeks, Jude"

"Don't be like this, Cardan. Look at you - you're miserable. Did you eat? Did you bathe? Did you even sleep? Tell me nothing bad happened when I wasn't here. Tell me you took care of yourself when I wasn't here, Cardan"

"Your sisters and mother made sure I ate - your mom sent me this Chinese cuisine that I've never tasted before and that was probably the only big meal I had. El came to send me and take away my dirty clothes and I stay here every night with you. I- I was afraid to leave you. I don't know what will happen if I'm not here and I don't want to lose you when I'm away"

He is here - he stayed with me when I was unconscious, living in a world of living and dying. Did I die in my coma? If I did, then this must be some sort of reincarnation or something that can't be explained nor understood by the science. But, among all that, Cardan stays with me during my weakest, vowing to always protect me. He didn't break his promise - not even once.

I feel the words threatening to slip away from my tongue, but I hold back. No, not yet. I can't say that right now - I don't know what he is feeling and I am too afraid to make a positive guess of anything that he is capable of feeling when he looks at me. I wonder what he really wants to tell me but struggles to even say it.

Those inky black eyes have become one of the most important parts of my life. I wonder what he thinks and feels when he has his eyes on me. I wonder what could he possibly hiding behind those eyes. I wonder what he feels when our skin make contact, be it during moments of intimacy or when we're cuddling and holding hands and playing around. I wonder what he thinks of me every time I laugh and smile and embarrass myself to bring the honey-like sound of his laugh.

Do you love me, Cardan? Do you love me as much as I love you? Does it hurt? Falling in love despite knowing it's not permanent? 

"Cardan, I'm sorry" I say, tears sliding down my cheek.

Cardan's finger brushes against my cheek and he sits on the edge of the bed slowly, careful not to hurt my leg. He cradles my face with his big palms and his eyes are a display of emotions - unguarded as he looks at me with concern and affection. And maybe, love. Who am I to even guess, right? He holds me like I'm fragile - he brings our faces closer. "Don't cry, Jude. You're safe now"

And when he kisses me, I feel like I can finally breathe again. All sense of safety, protection and belonging come flooding over me at once, threatening the sob that starts forming at my lungs. No, I can't cry. Cardan is right - I am safe. Even if it is temporary, but I am safe. I am with him. I am safe with Cardan and his welcoming embrace. I will never be in danger again.

And perhaps, one day if I have the courage, I will tell him. And, I hope it's not too late when I finally gain the courage. Nothing is ever too late - it is better late than never, right? But for now, I am glad to return into his warm embrace, clutching to him as I inhale the familiar scent of oakwood, moss and leather from him. I love you, Cardan. I don't want to lose you too.

"Hello, Kai's girlfriend! And also, my new best friend! How are you feeling today?"

The door moves and Valerian appears with a teasing smile, clad in one of his red shirts. If Cardan has tons of blacks and whites, then Valerian has a mass amount of red and the similar shades of them. In his hand is a paper bag and my first thought is he brings me food. Please let them be food - the taste of the meal in this hospital is horrible. How do some patients survive months with eating those? There aren't even salt in them.

But, the way he addresses me has me rolling my eyes. To be honest, I don't mind the whole Cardan or Kai girlfriend thing - although it's making me cringe - because can you possibly imagine Valerian Willemdorf acting friendly despite him craving for violence at least once a day? But, nothing is ever more disgusting than the way he calls me his best friend. Not in a bad way, but until I find the chance to kick his ass, then I might consider myself as his new best friend.

"Please tell me you bring food"

"I went to your house just now. Your mom asked me to bring you these. Something Chinese, I'm not sure how to pronounce"

"Let me guess" I take a sniff from the container and frown. "Dàn juǎn?"

"Something like that. I don't know what it means, but it smells nice"

I laugh and remove the lid of the container, taking the chopsticks from Valerian and begin to poke at the meal my mom sent me. "Welcome to Chinese culture, these are egg rolls"

Valerian raises a skeptical eyebrow and I roll my eyes, taking a big bite from the egg roll, reveling the way it melts in my mouth. Oh my God, this tastes so much like my grandmother's egg rolls. Is she here? As I can recall, that old woman hates coming to America, complaining how busy the streets are. Does she or does she not realize how packed Beijing and Shanghai are?

Valerian sits himself on the small chair Cardan occupies himself on all the time he is here. I ask him to go home and get some rest today as a show of gratitude. And of course, he protested and refused. By after convincing that I will be fine and I will be receiving other visitors, he reluctantly let go of my hands and waved at me through the glass as he left. I had laugh at his clinginess. We spent an hour talking on the phone last night.

"So, you're mom's Chinese?"

I hit my chopsticks together. "It's obvious. Isn't everyone aware about this? My parents have shown up to school events every year, and literally everyone can tell I don't look fully white. You and Cardan are the most oblivious people I've met"

Valerian snorts and rolls his eyes, resting his head with his arms holding his neck at the back. "Well, forgive me. But you weren't my center of attention back then"

"Oh, the irony. Fifteen year-old you would like to say something else" I sneer, in a joking manner.

We remain silent and Valerian narrows his eyes at me, and after that, we both start laughing. Valerian phone's rings and he excuses himself to answer it - that's probably his dad. I take another bite of my meal, while catching certain words from Valerian. Yeah, that's definitely his dad. What is with rich kids screaming at their elderly through phones?

I finish my meal at the same time Valerian finishes his phone call, slamming open the door with a slightly irritated look. He plops onto the chair he was previously sitting, eyebrows furrowed as he scrolls down his phone. That definitely means his mood is ruined after a phone call - I would like to be excluded from his violent nature.

I'm not saying he will resolve to violence in case something doesn't go his way, but to assume him to stay calm after years and years of being one of the victims of his hands is a bit weird and too forgiving. I do not forgive or forget what he did to me, and I hate myself for doing that because he deserves every single bad thing in this world after being so horrible towards many people. 

But, I don't think I want to approach him with that topic now. Of course, we still joke about the whole middle school thing, but we never really broach the topic to gain explanation or apology or even discuss the factor. Maybe, it really isn't anything important - we were all still young, and although Valerian said he was doing it for fun, I believe it was his ego that has taken over him. He probably felt guilty but too embarrassed or too egoistic to bother apologizing to me.

"When are you getting out?" Valerian asks abruptly, pulling me out of my trance.

I blink at him. "Well, if there's no difficulty, it will be tomorrow. Probably on Sunday. And I still need to rest for a whole month to recover"

"You're not going to work anytime soon, if that's the case"

"I have applied to several art galleries looking for curators and still waiting for replies"

"Why not settle into Greenbriar's? It's more promising for your future" Valerian frowns.

I shake my head, refusing to even let myself think of working in the same place as Cardan and Taryn. "I don't want to. A lot of reasons, actually. I made sure Taryn has a spot there, and that's definitely the girlfriend privilege. And, speaking of that privilege, people might think I get a spot there because of Cardan or any insiders - it could be anyone, really. And then, if I were to work there, I think it will take me a long time to warm up to my colleagues"

Valerian lets out a low laugh, and I frown. I am quite certain there is no reason for such humor right now. And, as our eyes meet, I know exactly what he is going to say. And I know I will not like the words that will come out from his mouth. "You know, you don't have to feel miserable about your feelings for him"

"I don't get your point"

Valerian glares at me. "You fucking get my point. You love Cardan, but you're afraid of what your heart says because you always listen to your head. I don't have to fucking be your fucking friend to know, Jude. You have been hiding in-" he makes a gesture with his arm "- in this fucking shadow for years. 16. Everyone knew you were different. I went to school with you ever since I was fucking 7, even if we weren't friends, which was true, I fucking saw it"

I don't say anything. I am not ready for this kind of conversation, and to talk about it with someone who happens to be involved with my past - my horrible past - I wish to never talk about it. And, as right as he can be, I don't want to fucking listen. I'm not ready to listen to whatever the fuck my heart is fucking telling me - be it about Cardan or forgiveness or my own decisions. I turn my face away from Valerian, looking out of the window.

"See? This is your fucking problem. You are afraid of what to come of you because of your fucking past. You build a wall around yourself, and it is more visible ever since I started talking to you - you don't hide your feelings, but you're afraid of them"

I grit my teeth, turning my head to look at him. "You know, out of all people, you have no fucking right to say a thing about my fucking past!" I remove the blanket covering me and stand on feet, ignoring the pain in my leg. I want to cry - fuck it, I want to scream for all the pain everyone has caused for the past years. Not even a single day goes by without me wishing a better day for myself. Not even once. "You made what I am! You know, and you are not fucking sorry about it! You, and your little group of fucking fucked up friends! You fucking know this, and you fucking blame me?! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

I collapse to the floor, placing my head on top of my knees, crying. I don't know how much it takes me to just say such a word to him. Whole my life, no matter how defensive I get, I am always scared of them. Not even once in the morning I forgot to dread about what's to expect of me once I arrive at school. Same thing happened everyday. Once I had enough, I snapped, and people called me crazy and weird for snapping at them. They fucking make my life a mess. They fucked up my life when we were all young - I don't fucking care about their feelings or their concerns, all I know at that time was they were horrible. I wished misery upon them.

"Why say this to me? Why not Cardan? Isn't he like the enabler of any drama? Why? Because you're dating him and you fucking love him? That's it? Why-"

"Because Cardan proved to me he can fucking change! He stopped being so horrible when we were in high school! He apologized so many times and I forgave him! Whenever one of you - especially you, Valerian - fucked with me, Cardan went to see me and apologized! Even when it wasn't his fucking fault! I fucking hate you. I'm not even kidding you"

Valerian doesn't say anything and for a few seconds, we remain in our positions. I remain sitting on the floor, while Valerian stands, his fists clenching and unclenching. After a few minutes, I hear the door slammed shut and flinch. Of course - of fucking course he won't apologize - he is never sorry for all the horrible things he's done to me in school. I don't care if he wants to play the role of best friend now, it's impossible - until and unless I manage to put the past in the past, then maybe I don't have to worry anymore.

And then, I am left to weep alone on the tiled floor of the hospital ward - frustrated with hatred and forgiveness for people and my love for Cardan. 

Chapter Text

I take a sip of the water on my nightstand and swallow the pills the nurse has prescribed for me to take. I put them all back on the nightstand and glance at the clock - it is almost nine in the morning. Mom and Dad are probably on their way to see me right now - if they didn't get stuck in the traffic.

As I sit with my back relaxed against the thick and soft pillows and my body warmed with the the most comfortable blanket I've ever used - exaggerating, I know - my mind makes a repeat of what happened last night just to make sense of everything. Can I curse my brain without hurting myself physically? Because I can't even get a nice amount of sleep last night after what has happened.

Don't pretend to be stupid or feign ignorance in front of me. I know we both - you and I - know exactly what happened last night. The bitter and shocking truth about Valerian's and mine newly formed rocky friendship. I can't help but to think of his words over and over again, despite the urge to break down multiple times.

"See? This is your fucking problem. You are afraid of what to come of you because of your fucking past. You build a wall around yourself, and it is more visible ever since I started talking to you - you don't hide your feelings, but you're afraid of them"

Am I afraid of my feelings? Or did his words crush my ego and break me down? A part of me thinks he is right - I know he is right - and it is not up to debate. But, there is another part of me - the shriveled, vengeful, egoistic and selfish part of me - who wishes nothing but horrible things to happen to him. And then another part of me - the traumatized teenage girl - thinks forgiveness is a good and a right thing to do.

Seeking revenge doesn't make me a better person than any of them. I will probably just sit in the same category - as horrible as they all are. But, what if I don't want to be better? Instead of being afraid, I can be something to be afraid of. If I cannot be better than them, then I'll become so much worse. Oh my, I wish I had the energy in me to become that vengeful teenager again.

Now, why do I sound so old?

The door slides open, revealing Mama and Papa with their concerned smiles. My lips automatically curls up into a smile as they come in, and Cardan - who is obviously towering than the rest of us - emerges into the ward with both his hands in his pockets. I watch him takes a seat on the small couch near the wall, and offer him a weak smile which he replies back with a similar one. He seems so tired - apparently still exhausted from all the sleepless nights of staying by my side.

"My little pumpkin! So sorry we couldn't see you yesterday. Junli was making a fuss about the apartment" Papa says and hugs me, and I feel my cheeks heating in embarrassment at the nickname.

I am not embarrassed about that nickname - because I obviously grow up with it - but to have Cardan witnessing my parents babying and calling me their little pumpkin is a bit embarrassing and childish to me. What is with parents and their weird nicknames that always bring their children into embarrassment?

"Grandma's here? So... she made the dàn juǎn?"

"Yes, she made it, my daughter" Mama says, sticking to addressing me in Chinese instead of English. I glance at Cardan and find him looking at his phone with a frustrated expression - or anything that resembles that. He is quiet - probably because Mom and Dad are here and he wants to give me some privacy. 

"How are you feeling?" Papa asks, pulling my attention away from Cardan as I turn to look at him.

I try to move my leg and flinch when the pain jabs right through me. "Seventeen days spent in another realm doesn't heal someone instantly, Papa"

"We thought we might lose you when we received the call. Your Mama here doesn't hesitate to book a flight. We were in Australia and when we heard about you, she was the first person to make a move while I panic. We didn't even have enough time to pack. Just throw things into our suitcases and rush to the airport with Uber"

"I'm sorry I ruined your holiday, Mama, Papa"

Mama slaps my arm softly and offers me a soft smile. "Don't be. We can make a time for another holiday. Right, Justin?"

"Sure do" Papa nods, and I catch him glancing in Cardan's direction.

Cardan's phone rings and without saying anything, he walks out from the ward. I watch him lean against the glass panel outside - frowning as he speaks on the phone. Anything that can has him letting out that familiar expression must be about work or Dain. Specifically, Dain. I turn to look back at my parents, offering them a smile.

Mama and Papa smile back, and I feel a sharp stab of pain in my heart. Why do they look so old with the lines on their foreheads and the way their eyes crinkle every time they smile? When have they become so old? I remember laughing and rolling on the grass in our old house at the backyard, covered in mud and dirt after riding the bicycle or sitting on a mat and pretending to be princesses on picnic while Mama and Papa cook for us in the kitchen.

Vivi, Taryn and I would dress up as princesses in the same dresses we bought specifically for the playacting - yellow, purple, and blue - and Mama and Papa would costume themselves into some sort of royal chefs. We would have our own crowns and sparkly shoes and plastic jewel. Our laugh would echo the backyard until we were all exhausted, sleeping together on the mat that was too big for all of us at one time.

So, when did we get so old? Vivi would be twenty-five on January. And, if things get better with Heather, they might proceed for engagement and possibly marriage. Taryn and I are twenty-two - our birthday is yet to come, but that explains it. Mama and Papa are now fifty, soon will be fifty-one. When did all of us get so old? Graduating high school feels like a long, long time ago. Once I recover, I'm going to find a work. It feels like yesterday when I came home as a ten year old with my straight A's results.

"Your boyfriend is a gentleman, you know" Mama starts, breaking me out of my thoughts. 

I blink at her. "Whatever do you mean by that?"

Papa scoffs, as if disagreeing with her. "The boy's afraid of us. That's why he did that"

"He's a good boy! A very respectful one. You're the one acting like a grizzly bear who's about to eat him alive" Mom protests, narrowing her eyes at Dad.

Papa doesn't like Cardan -of course he would have had bad impression on him. Papa crosses his arms and glares at Mama, challenging her to proof her points. I laugh and they both look at me with raised eyebrows. I suppress my laugh by placing a hand in front of my mouth, looking back at them.

"You both have very different opinions about Cardan" I say, stifling a laugh.

"You know how your dad is. He seems to never let go of those boys who did you wrong in school. You guys were children, I'm sure they have all man up. Plus, you're dating Cardan. Surely you guys have reconcile some time during the whole project thing" Mom says, a big smile pastes on her face.

Papa scowls, apparently refusing to agree with my mama. "That boy has ruined my little pumpkin's life when they were in school. You can't easily forgive him like that, pumpkin"

"Justin! Stop complaining and learn to be grateful. He paid for Jude's hospital bills and let us and my mother stay in an expensive hotel suite!" Mama slaps Papa's arm, and his scowl wavers. Only, that isn't what surprises me. What did Cardan do for them again? Or for me? Well, shit - he could have told me instead of being silent all the time.

"Cardan paid for my hospital bills? What hospital is this?" 

"Elfhame City Medical Centre, my dear"

"What the fuck? You can't be joking me"

"Language" Mama pinches my arm. "I'm not joking. You are indeed being treated in ECMC, in the VIP ward, and all the bills are paid by your boyfriend. And that expensive hotel suite! Isn't he a gentleman?" Mama says, and I believe she is already planning to invite Cardan to family dinners and a series of gatherings from both sides of my family.

"Mama, you cannot joke about this" I switch to Chinese - a habit I realize having since middle school whenever I want to say something but feels like it is the most nonsensical thing in the whole world. "The bills probably cost over thousands and hundreds. And then, the hotel? Mama, you cannot be serious about this"

"But I am, my daughter. You can ask Papa here"

"Papa, tell me Mama is joking"

"No, she's not. That boy paid for everything and took care of you. He never left - unless when there are other visitors or when the nurses are cleaning you up" 

Oh? Oh, this certainly is the news that no one can see coming. Why is there no one who bothers to tell me about this? Vivi or Taryn? If Mama and Papa know, then my sisters are obviously aware too. Now that I get the hint behind all this, I remember how both my sisters refused when Cardan offered them food when they left the ward yesterday. I take a deep breath and press my lips together - trying to make sense of everything. A part of me wants to thank Cardan for all the things he has done, but there is another part of me - the bigger part - that feels angry at him.

Why spend so much for the sake of my own health when he has something better for him? He sacrificed his time and literally everything to take care of me and stay by my side while I was in a realm between life and death, and now I find out he spends his money - thousands of them - to pay for my treatment and give my parents and grandmother a place to live temporarily? No, I am not being ungrateful - okay, maybe a bit - but has anyone told him that he doesn't have to do anything just to make things better. That is not how life works.

"He loves you, my daughter" Mama says.

"Did he say that to you?" I say with an eyebrow skeptically rising.

Mama shakes her head. "I'm your mother. I'm a mother. I can tell if you are in love. And, you obviously are. And it is obvious that Cardan is in love with you too"

I have long given up putting high hopes by listening to people who has nothing to do with my personal business talk about it. Obviously, my parents take a big role in my personal life, but considering the fact that we live away from each other - I'm in the city, they live at the outskirts, at the countryside - gives them absolute no right to speak about my personal business. And, the whole thing with Cardan is already confusing - I don't really want to get my hopes up, to be really honest.

"He's never told me anything. Ma, don't get my hopes up"

"How long have you guys been together? Almost 4 months? This is the thing with kids nowadays. Always doubting yourselves. No one is going to hurt you if you express your feelings, my dear"

 "Let me know if he ever try to mess your life. I won't hesitate to beat him up"

"Papa, you know if any guy is to mess with my life, I am the one who's going to bite their heads off"

Mama and Papa laugh, and I laugh along with them. We continue to discuss random things - mostly about where I am planning to work at and if I were still going to live with Vivi and Taryn. Or, Vivi, at least. Taryn is moving out to stay with Garrett - it's closer to her workplace now. And, when I told my parents I plan on getting a work as a curator at small art galleries, they berated me for about twenty minutes. I mean - as long as I can settle into a small apartment in the middle of the city, I don't see why not.

A call from my grandmother is all it takes for my parents to rush home. It really is not a good decision to leave her alone in America. Right now, I am leave to my own again, and Mama's words come crashing to me like a shockwave. He loves you, my daughter. Honestly, if I were to think of it again, I don't know what should I believe in. At some point, I want to believe what she said. I want to believe Cardan is as equally in love as I am with him. I want to tell myself that Cardan loves me so I do not have to worry about rejection. 

But, I also do not want to get my hopes up. It will be too dangerous to experience heartbreak and I am not ready to experience one either. Valerian's words ring in my head, reminding me of all the things I have spent my entire life fearing of. My feelings, my words, my actions - on top of all, it is always my feelings. I have never been in love before - it is always the tiniest crush over the nerds or the athletes - but with Cardan, it is just too complicated. Experiencing love feels like a high school teenager who learns about relationships from books and movies that raise your standards to the sky.

A snort comes out from me as the thought appears. I mean, if a girl is lucky with such high standards, it has to be Taryn. I don't think I have ever heard her complain about Garrett or say anything bad about him - not even at the beginning of their relationship. I mean, yes, they are indeed sports rivals turned lovers like those written in romance books. And maybe - just maybe if I were a bit friendlier like Taryn, it would be so easy to understand the whole thing about feelings and relationships in general.

Cardan walks into the hospital ward, looking mildly frustrated as his fingers scroll through his phone as if something just pisses him off. But, as he looks up at me, his gaze softens and a smile quirks up at his lips. He approaches me and places his phone on the nightstand, taking my hand and kisses my knuckles, cracking a smile on my lips. He takes the seat beside my bed and rests his head on the edge of the bed, his smile growing bigger as he looks up at me. I feel my cheeks heating up.

I love you. But, not yet. Too vulnerable, too weak, too emotional. I will tell him once I am ready - once I know and fully understand the whole love thing. My fingers trail along the length of his shoulder blades and go straight to his hair. Cardan closes his eyes as I rake my fingers through his hair, and I let out a soft giggle. Cardan laughs and I feel a sharp pain in my heart. I have no idea almost three weeks of coma makes me miss him so much to the point hearing his laugh hurts and makes me the happiest at the same time. My hand moves to touch his cheek, and Cardan leans into the touch.

"I can do this for my whole life" Cardan says.

I caress his cheek gently. "Do what?"

"Spending time with you. No one's ever make me feel the way you make me, Jude. You brought out the best and worst of me at the same time. I mean, is that even a thing? Well, the thing is, I will literally do anything for you, even if it means beating the shit out of others if they hurt you or giving everything up"

Giving everything up. Yes, we are in need of a serious talk about the money he spent for me. "Cardan, can you be honest?" my smile vanishes.

"Sure" Cardan pulls away from my touch, realizing the change in my voice and the atmosphere. "What is it?"

"I won't beat around the bush. How much did you spend for my hospital bills?" I turn my head to face him. "Be honest, Cardan"

Cardan's expression wavers. "No exact number. I mean, it's a big one"

"Cardan" I say, sounding exasperated. Maybe I am. "I am not being ungrateful, but don't you think it's too much? This is a big amount of money. And the whole hotel thing. What were you thinking? My parents can stay at my house, you don't have to-"

Cardan rises to his toes and places a kiss on my lips, causing all the words to die at the back of my throat. I struggle within his grip on my wrist, resisting the urge to push him away but at the same time wanting to pull away from the kiss. Cardan pulls away first, his grip loosening as he sits back on his chair. I stare at him, not saying anything - hoping for the silence to explain everything. But, of course it does not.

"Cardan-"

"I did that for you. I don't care what it takes. It was all for you, Jude"

"You don't have to do that. For fuck's sake, Cardan. You neglected your own work, yourself even. What were you thinking?"

Cardan slams his hands on the table, and I flinch. "I fucking did it for you, Jude!" he says, half-shouting. When he catches the expression on my face, he instantly looks away. "I'm sorry, I need to go"

I watch Cardan walk away without sparing another glance at me, his expression conflicted and indecipherable. It seems like he is on the verge of breaking down - have I said something wrong? I fiddle with the seams of my blanket, staring blankly out of the glass panel. This is it. My emotions have always bring the worst out of me. And thus why I hate showing them - it makes me vulnerable, and makes me the most horrible person to ever exist. I let out an exasperated sigh, trying not to think of any of the incident 

But, it doesn't change a thing, of course. And Cardan doesn't return for hours.

He returns when I'm already on my way to sleep. He doesn't make any sound but I can hear him getting himself comfortable on the small couch at the corner of the room. My heartbeat is increasing by every second passed, and the temperature drops drastically - or maybe it's just my overthinking. I turn to look at Cardan and find him already lying down, his arm covering his eyes and his legs hanging over the couch. I clear my throat.

"Cardan?"

Cardan moves his hand away, turning to look at me. "You're not asleep yet. Did I wake you up?"

I shake my head. "Come here. You'll get back pain if you keep sleeping on that couch"

"You can get hurt"

I wanna say those words, but instead of that, I offer him a weak smile, and say "I missed you. Come here" I tap on the empty side of the large hospital bed, making space for Cardan to lie down. He walks up to me and joins me on the bed, and I turn to face him, our limbs tangled together after almost three weeks. I missed him - I missed him so much it hurts to finally have him back beside me. I inch closer to him, resting my cheek against his chest. Cardan drapes an arm on my side, careful not to touch my wound.

"Did I upset you? I'm sorry" I whisper.

Cardan presses a soft kiss on my forehead. "No, you didn't. You have nothing to apologize for, darling. Go to sleep"

"Cardan... bought those for me?" I point to the mountain of boxes beside my desk, looking at Taryn.

Taryn nods, taking closer step as if worried I might fall despite having a tight grip on the crutch. I am being discharged today, and my sisters are the one driving me back home. Okay, Vivi drove me home - and Taryn. I am in my room, and the first thing I see has rendered me speechless. I take a look at the amount of boxes and paper bags sitting there, taking half of my personal space in the room. I sigh and limp to my bed, taking a seat there.

"Have you checked them?" I look at Taryn. 

Taryn pulls the chair on my study. "About three? There are too many. He's head over heels for you"

"Shut up" I roll my eyes. I take one box and when I open it, I find a new set of sketchbooks with my name carved in gold on top of them. I press my lips together, resisting the urge to scream. This is not the time to fangirl over Cardan's presents for me. I hand the sketchbooks over to Taryn, and she puts them on my desk.

Taryn takes a box, and I take another. Shoes, dresses, and some accessories. A necklace with my name - a silver one. I don't think I have ever told him I like silver jewel. Bracelets, more rings and earrings, new books and some t-shirts that he left notes like I have the same one. Let's wear these together <3 that has me smiling in happiness. I should have gotten used to Cardan's habits on buying me gifts on daily basis, but this still sometimes overwhelm me. 

Taryn gasps. "Look at this!"

"What?" I blink at her, confused.

"Open it yourself. It's YSL!" Taryn exclaims.

I take the black paper bag from her and take a look at the golden logo of YSL. Why on earth would Cardan spend his money on such expensive present for me? Does this guy has any limits to his money? Does the Greenbriar family's bank account made of water? Like, the money keeps coming in all the time for Cardan to spend so much. I take out the box and pull all the ribbons away, taking the lid off. Taryn screams and I throw the lid at her.

"That's YSL Gaby Satchel! Do you know how much this costs?" 

I remain silent, staring at the turqoise bag that sits on my bed. I feel like cursing myself. Of course, I am happy to receive this bag, but I also feel stupid to even receive this. Cardan must have seen me scrolling through YSL website the other day before the party at his house. No - he must have seen me calculating the money I need to purchase this bag without hesitation. And, of course I know how much it costs. This bag is literally the cost of my college fee during freshman year!

I sigh, looking up at Taryn. "2500 dollars. I know, Taryn"

Taryn blinks at me, her excitement replaced with a puzzled expression. "You look unhappy. Are you feeling good?"

I offer her a sweet smile. "I like this bag, seriously. I looked at the website few weeks ago and Cardan must have realized it. But-"

"Are you feeling guilty that your obscenely rich boyfriend spends his money on you? Girl, you're living everyone's dream!" Taryn sits beside me, taking the bag and starts inspecting the quality. My fingers play with the hem of my skirt, looking at the excitement on my sister's face. I want to call Cardan right now - to tell him to stop buying me too many gifts, especially the expensive ones. It makes me feel extremely guilty that he spends his money on me like it doesn't cost him a thing. And, that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that I am incapable of paying him back for all the things he's done for me.

"Shouldn't I feel guilty? Taryn, he spent so much on me! My hospital bills, he even gave Mama and Papa place to live. And then, this? Let's not talk about the other presents!" I feel tears slipping down, but too distracted to even wipe them off. Taryn takes my hand and wipes my tears away, offering me a comforting smile.

"You love him, don't you?"

I press my lips together to suppress the cry, and nod slowly. Taryn pulls me into a hug and I rest my forehead against her shoulder, letting myself cry slowly as the fear comes creeping in. I tighten my hold on Taryn, and she pats me in the back. One thing that I can be grateful about when it comes to having a twin is we don't have to say words to understand each other. It's all written there, and all we need is each other. 

"Tell him, Jude. I can assure you he feels the same about you"

Chapter Text

I sit cross-legged on the floor, taking out the outfit from my old drawer. A smile curls up on my lips as I take in the sight of the oversized basketball jersey before my eyes. Perhaps this jersey is the beginning of the changes and all the turning points in my life?

"Hey! You piece of shit!" Valerian's laugh echoes the hallway as he laughs, a few people surrounding him as I collapse into the pond. 

Of course, he has to secretly tie my shoelaces together and push me into the small pond in the school courtyard. Ugh, now I smell like chlorine! Valerian and Locke clap their hands and walk away, but not before they can get their hands on my sketchbook and tossing it into the water beside me.

I bite my lips as tears threaten to fall down. Ignoring the laughter and whispers and mockery from literally everyone else, I grasp the edge of the pool and pick up my sketchbook, grimacing at the soaked pages. Great - very great. I didn't spend hours - maybe days - to finish a sketch, and they have to ruin everything. Does it feel great? Ruining things just because someone is less than you?

I wipe the tears smearing my cheeks with the soaked edge of my sleeve, picking up my ruined sketchbook. Either I throw this away or keep it and dry it under the sun to make sure I can still use it. Surely the last few pages are worth of usage. I shake my head and head towards the nearest bathroom, locking myself in a cubicle.

As soon as I lock the door, I drop to the floor and loud sob spills out from my lungs. Out of all day, why do they have to ruin my day today? I mean, of course it's not a choice to which they can choose what day they can bully and ruin my day, but it still hurts. Especially when I am wearing the shirt Vivi knitted for me. She stayed up for few nights just to make new shirts for me and Taryn and those bastards have to ruin everything.

I press a hand to my mouth, trying to hide the sound of my crying from echoing in the cubicle. Why am I crying? I am not usually this weepy if they ruined my day. By them, I mean Cardan, Locke, Valerian and Nicasia. My outfit is all wet and now I can't go to class anymore - and then I will have to ask someone for notes. What a brilliant day.

I wipe my nose and stand up, pushing out the door of the cubicle and walking out calmly. I pretend like nothing has happened despite the obvious puffiness of my eyes at the dried tears on my cheeks. I splash the water on my face and wipe all the excess of ruined makeup remaining on my face, putting on a fake smile as I go. Move on, and call it a day.

Or I can just go home and change my outfit - there is no way I'm going to class smelling like a swimming pool.

I step out of the restroom and instantly bumping my head into someone's chest, groaning as I step on my shoelace. Well, at least I have the wall to keep me on-balance. I look up and instantly take a step back as soon as I recognize the person I bumped into. Oh no, not today. I have no more energy to let myself and my day be ruined again.

Cardan fucking Greenbriar is standing in front of me, brushing his hand likely in front of his chest, the spot where I hit. I roll my eyes - maybe use his eyes and walk properly next time if he doesn't want to bump into me? If I didn't know how much the worth of his Balenciaga shirts, I would've embarrassed him in class by cutting them all. 

"I've had enough of your friends, so please get out of my way"

I shove his arm and move but stumble back as he pulls me with him. No one is in the hallway as he drags me to the end of the building and I keep turning and twisting to let go of his grip. Where is he taking me? And, not to be a bitch, but can he get his hands off me? I pull back as he stops, looking at me with an indecipherable expression.

"I told I've had enough. Get the fuck out of my way" I say through gritted teeth.

Cardan's expression remains the same - cold and guarded. "I'm not here to taunt you. You're already a mess - it's a bit waste, if you ask me"

I roll my eyes and cross my arms, tilting my head to the side with a boring manner. "Well, fine. What do you want, then?"

Cardan takes something out from his bag, handing it to me. A jersey. His jersey. I resist the urge to roll my eyes - you can't really help the habit when it's one of the people you hated for your entire life is in front of you. "Why are you giving me this?"

"Why do you always need reason when people want to be kind to you?"

"Maybe because it's you. And you are not a nice person" I snap, intending to not lose.

"I can be nice. Change into this" he says, taking my hand and putting the jersey on top of it. I blink.

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm going back to my house to change, and then I can go to class"

"There's hardly any time left for recess. Just wear it" Cardan says, almost impatient with my petulance. 

I raise my eyebrow, but instead of questioning his moves, I rush into the nearest restroom and discard my shirt and skirt. I put on the jersey and rummage through my bag for my black shorts, putting it on. I walk out from the cubicle and check my reflection on the mirror. I quickly pull my hair tie down to hide the name on the jersey - why would I be parading around the school wearing Cardan's jersey?

I walk out and find Cardan waiting outside, eyes on his phone. I muster all the courage I can get and approach him slowly. "Thank you" I say reluctantly.

Cardan nods and puts his phone into his pocket, not even bothering to take a look at me. Good, I don't need further insult just because he lends me his jersey. He turns on his heels and starts walking, and I start running after him. I don't know what's pushing me, but I approach him anyways. "Why are you being so nice?"

His steps halt abruptly, blinking as he turns to look at me. "I told you I can be nice"

"Sometimes I prefer truth than lies" I say, totally not buying his excuse.

Cardan sighs. "No lies. I just don't have time to mess with you today"

"Come now. If you want to embarrass me, then just do it. I'm here, your opportunity is present"

Cardan lets out a bitter laugh. "You really don't listen to people, don't you?" he places both hands in his pockets, turning to fully face me. "I don't like you. However, I value the academics just how much you value them. Val pushed you into the pond and I know it will make you miss all the lessons. I don't want to lose my competition. So, you're welcome, Duarte"

I watch him as he walks away. Well, that makes sense enough, if you ask me. I don't want to lose my competition - of course, that's a very Cardan Greenbriar thing to say. He makes everything a competition, every opportunity a fight, every word a debate, and everyone else a rival. I really shouldn't expect something better from this boy.

"You thief. You still keep it?" Cardan lifts his head up from the book he's reading - the one he nonchalantly picks out from Taryn's bookshelf. He is looking at me with his head slightly tilted, his posture relaxed as he leans against my bed and his lips quirking up a smirk. He snaps the book close, watching me with an intensity that almost had me turning red.

I smile as I look at him. "I didn't steal it. You gave it to me" I say, attempting for a probably blunt humor.

Cardan laughs and snatches the jersey from me, sticking out his tongue. "I lend it to you. You didn't return it"

"Give it back! I like your jersey!" I say, moving towards him. Cardan laughs and raises his hands, remain unmoving as the jersey keeps switching hands. I still have three weeks to fully recover from the gunshot, so I prefer to not move or use my legs too much unless necessary, but Cardan is really giving me no choice.

I stand on my knees and snatch the jersey from him, ignoring the slight pain on my bandaged leg. I smile in triumph as I pull the jersey into my arms, and Cardan quickly pulls me to sit on his lap. I yelp, and we both laugh as I rest my head against his chest. I unfold the jersey and a smirk curls up on my lips as I look at the white print of Cardan written on the top of the back of the jersey.

Taryn and Cardan take turns in taking care of me and although I do not need further care from other people now it is already the second week - which also means, I can walk without help - but Cardan insists on coming here to take care of me. He should probably be at work by now but as Cardan said - if Dain doesn't know, then I don't have to worry.

"Wear it. I want to see you in it"

I snort. "No. I'm taller, it won't fit"

"Jude, you're twenty something shorter than me, don't give me that look" he says as I raise an eyebrow. "I made it big considering how I easily grow in high school"

"Is that an insult or an excuse to make me wear this?" I say, looking up at him while placing my hand on his chest.

Cardan smiles and brushes our noses together, leaning back to take jersey from me. I raise my hand, making a distance between him and jersey. "I'll take it or you wear it"

"Greenbriar, I swear to God-" I sigh, moving away from his lap. "You've bewitched me, you self-obsessed prick"

I raise to my feet and walk towards the bathroom, laughing at Cardan when he says "I don't believe in God!" and locking the door. Shorts in place, hair down, sweater off and jersey on. I take a look in the mirror - what I said was the truth, it looks shorter now on me, but still fits. I roll my eyes and step out of the bathroom, finding Cardan's eyes already on me.

I sigh, waving my hands in the air. "How do I look?"

Cardan's tongue darts out, and I watch his pupils slowly dilating as his eyes drink in the sight before him greedily. I feel heat running to my cheeks and shiver down my spine at the intensity in his gaze. Cardan leans his head on my bed, crooking a finger for me to come towards him. Yes, he definitely has bewitched me by that single movement.

I wet my lips and walk towards him with slightly wobbly legs, immediately falling into his lap as he pulls me closer. Cardan places his chin on my shoulder, looking at me through his lashes. I stare down at where our hands are intertwined together, feeling the blush spreading to the tip of my ears.

His hand finds the hem of the jersey, his knuckles brushing against my thighs as the smooth material twists in his fingers. I lean my head against his chest, meeting him in the eyes - the sparkles in his onyx eyes remind me so much of the stars in the night sky. My hand rise up to touch his cheek, and Cardan laughs.

"You haven't answered my question" I say with a smile.

Cardan places a soft kiss on my lips. "You look beautiful, my love"

Love. I watch his expression falters for a moment - as if he is trying to make sure not too much emotion is being displayed. Cardan has been too obvious at attempting to hide his feelings, and I know - and he definitely knows what he is doing. But, no matter how many times I try to make a sense of it, I can't even wrap my head around any conclusion.

I should tell him now. I should tell him now about my feelings. Of course, I said it's never too late for everything - and I said it is better late than never. But, maybe stalling won't do me any good either. Valerian told me to not bother thinking about any possibility of negative reaction or rejection. Be selfish. That's a wonderful advice.

Speaking of Valerian, I will have to deal with him later. Or, if I want to.

"Cardan" I start, looking down. "I need to tell you something"

Cardan's smile wavers, a frown slowly forming on his face. Oh my God, please let this go the way I hope for it. I slide down from his lap, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Should I begin with a time-consuming speech or should I just go straight for the words? Let's just go on.

"I love you" I blurt out.

Shit. No, that is not it. I'm supposed to begin with some very dramatic speech about everything he's done to me - or talk about how I have been so confused about my feelings for the past few weeks - or say something about how nice he looks or smells. Not just a fucking I love you - I fucked up, and we're going to call things off. Cool.

Maybe, I can fix what I said. "Well, what I mean is -" well, what is it? I love him, right? What does it mean, anyways? "Look, I know it doesn't make sense, and it's only like over 3 months or something, but I just want to tell you. And, uh, you know-" I purse my lips, looking down at the clothes scattering around the wooden floorboard "- you don't have to say it"

This is it. I might sound foolish, but maybe this is it. He doesn't have to say it because I am completely certain he doesn't feel the exact way of how I feel towards him. Or, maybe I don't want to listen to him. Of course, who wants to listen to your own boyfriend rejecting your feelings for him, right? 

I dare myself to look up at Cardan, and his expression is predictably indecipherable. Cold sweats start forming on my forehead, and I feel like I might drown in severe anxiety just by the guarded look in his eyes. Okay, that's the answer. He doesn't love me. So I guess we will break up and stay friends? Or stop talking? Any way or other, nice knowing him.

"Say it again" his voice trembles slightly, and I look up at him. "Say that again, Jude"

I blink at him. "I - I love you" I say, and guilt washes over me as the awkwardness surfaces. When has a confession be so awkward? I straighten my spine, properly looking at him in the eyes, ignoring the butterflies in my stomach. I try again - "I love you. I love you, Cardan"

Before I can open my mouth or close my eyes to brace for his rejection, Cardan pulls me back to sit on his lap and kisses me on my lips. I gasp as his tongue plunges into my mouth, instantly swiping his tongue as I let out a whimper. I wrap my hands around his neck, and Cardan places both hands on my waist, pulling me closer to his as our kiss goes deeper.

"I love you" he says in the middle of our kiss, pulling my legs to wrap around his waist.

"I love you" he says as he lifts me up from the floor, still keeping our lips touched.

"I love you" he says as he places a knee on my small bed, lowering ourselves as he places me on the bed.

"I love you. I love you. I love you" he repeats the words like a mantra, like an enchantment to prove me that our feelings are equal - to prove me that I don't have to worry about rejection. He pulls away from the kiss, breathing hard as a smile finds its way to his lips. "I love you, Jude" his voice is breathless as he says it.

My arms are still wrapped tightly around his neck, and despite the loud thudding of my heart, I find it in me to smile back at him. My chest is heaving hard, and I want to pull him back to me. I want to feel him pressed against me again. I want to feel his hands on me again. I want to feel his lips kissing me again. Always wanting and craving for more - greedy to keep him by my side forever.

"You - you love me? You're not kidding? You didn't say that just because I said it? You - you really mean it?"

Cardan lets out a soft laugh and lies beside me, forcing me to lean myself against the wall to adjust to the size of the bed. His legs hang at the edge of it - too tall to even fit in my bed. Cardan turns to face me and brings our faces closer, resting his forehead against mine. I blush as the heat of his breath brushes against my cheeks.

"Why would I be joking about feelings? That's such a middle school thing"

"You didn't just admit to playing someone's feelings when you were in middle school" I raise an eyebrow, a finger poking at his chest.

Cardan's laugh vibrates through the room, and I fight the urge to kick him off the bed. Let's hope nothing is broken because of his weight and height. Not that he's fat or anything - but he is big, and my bed is small for him, so it is a bit risky if one of us didn't move any time soon. His finger traces the curve of my ears, and I giggle softly.

"Well, it's not a lie. I was 12, what do you expect?"

I laugh softly and rest my head on his chest. Getting an idea in my head, I sit on the bed and tug at Cardan's collar, demanding him to take off the shirt. His smile is wicked as he tosses the black shirt away, lost between my clothes and old belongings on the floor. He pulls me to lie down next to him, the same wicked grin is still on his face, except it grows bigger. 

I raise an eyebrow as Cardan draws closer, catching the meaning in his dark eyes. Considering how dimmed my side in the room is, it is hard to tell the slight change in his eyes. Cardan's fingers find the hem of the jersey and he moves to hover above me, smirking as he lowers himself to pepper me with kisses on my face. 

The walls in my room vibrate with our laughter as we playfully kiss each other's cheeks and other part of the faces, trying our best to not capture each other's lips. Cardan has a hand wrapped securely around my waist and he abruptly changes our position. I slap his chest as I lay on top of him, struggling to move because his arms are literally draped over my waist.

"Now, what are we doing?" 

Cardan chuckles and runs his fingers through my hair. "If I have to be honest, I would like to have sex with you. But you're still injured and this bed is too small for me to enjoy lying down or even move around. I might fall off if I try to fuck you"

The walls in the room vibrate with my laughter, and I place a quick kiss on his lips. My eyes catch sight of the bag he bought me and look at him, keeping a small smile. "You bought me that YSL satchel"

Cardan smiles, running his fingers through my hair. "Do you like it?"

"You saw me checking the website, didn't you? Cardan, the cost is like our freshman fee!" 

"Yeah, I'm aware. Now, I know I spend a lot for you, but I enjoy it. Jude, I have zero control when it comes to shopping. I'll just buy anything I want"

I narrow my eyes, trying to decipher the look in his eyes. There is definitely something else he's done that has him saying such a thing. I rest my head on his chest and look at his eyes, ignoring the way my cheeks heat as his palm slides under the jersey I am wearing. Cardan sits on the bed while having his hand still under the jersey, ducking his head to avoid hitting the ceiling - or maybe the fan. I am on his lap, and Cardan's hand slides to my thigh, squeezing softly. 

"Cardan, you bought something, right?" I raise an eyebrow.

He brushes his nose against mine, a big grin on his face. "I can't always get my ways with you, can I?"

"Please tell me it's not something absurd"

I slide away from Cardan's lap and he leads me out of the room, his neck still bent at an awkward again. We walk down the stairs and Cardan takes my hand, and we walk to the island counter in the kitchen. Cardan bends down to reach for something, and when he puts it on the table. I let out a gasp. A Dior paper bag is before me, and Cardan has an arm on my midback, his smile growing bigger than ever. I place both hands on my mouth and look at him in disbelief, and Cardan nods. 

I pull the bag closer to me, taking out the white box with white ribbons that has Dior written in gold all over them. I take off the lid and find a white fluffy saddle bag in it, and I scream. Oh my God, I know this bag. I've seen a lot of big influencers on Instagram use these type of bags and Taryn told me that Liliver has a bag with similar design. Except, hers is completely leather and vintage, while the one before me is white, fluffy and soft. I certainly haven't thought about saving some money to buy this one day. I take the bag carefully and check the strap, a happy smile decorating my face. I turn and hug Cardan, burying my face in his chest.

"Cardan, thank you! I love it!" I say, my voice muffled.

Cardan kisses my forehead, and I lift my head up to look at him. "I bought the micro one, too"

"Cardan!" I hit his chest, but immediately stop myself from complaining. "I really can't complain, can I?"

"No, you can't" Cardan laughs, placing a soft kiss on my lips. "My sisters are obsessed with these. They keep asking me and my brothers to buy them" Cardan rolls his eyes.

I laugh and sits on the chair. "So, instead of buying the bag for your sisters, you bought them for me? I wonder what they'll say about this"

"Uh, they won't know. Besides, they have too many Dior already. El has this specific makeup room with all her Dior makeup collection" Cardan says, leaning against the island counter. 

"Sure she does" I chuckle.

Cardan laces our fingers together, and inches closer to kiss me. I sigh into the kiss and he kisses deeper, wrapping an arm around my waist. My fingers find themselves tangled in his hair, raking and running my fingers through them, messing them up. Cardan's lips are soft against mine, and he tugs at my lower lip with his teeth, and I let out a gasp. Cardan's tongue slides in and my nails grip the back of his shoulders, the grip so tight and I have no doubt I will leave crescent shaped marks. He lifts me up and puts me on the table, the kiss growing frantic by each second.

"I love you" he whispers, and kisses the line along my jaw. His lips move lower to kiss my neck, nipping softly at the skin there. I let out a whimper, and grab his attention back to kiss my lips. Cardan groans softly and kisses me back, and I teasingly nip at his lower lip. He hisses and tightens his grip on my waist, and I yelp. A sound of a key drop sets us apart, and I turn my head to find Vivi and Taryn raising their eyebrows at us.

"Taryn! Vivi!" embarrassment crawls into me, and Cardan goes still.

Vivi's eyebrow rises higher. "Were you fucking in my kitchen?"

"No!" Cardan and I scream at the same time, completely mortified.

Her eyes goes over to Cardan, judging him by the absence of his shirt and goes to me, her green eyes judging me by my jersey. Her eyes narrow in suspicion. "Just keep the shirt on" she turns, and Taryn smiles, before following her away. "For fuck's sake, I'm too caught up on being gay that I forgot I am actually bi!" I hear Vivi says.

I turn to Cardan, and we both burst into laughter. "I love you too" I kiss his lips softly, and take the bag into my arms. "And the bag" I laugh and run upstairs while Cardan follows me, laughter coming out from him, too. Well, this certainly is something I can let myself live with, and I feel contented to have him by my side. 

Chapter Text

Meet me at Starbucks - V

I frown at the note on the desk in my new office. Well, this job is a temporary one - just so I can get myself out of boredom while recovering as well as enjoying this wretched life of mine in the Greenbriar Art Gallery. Yes, so I did say I did not want to be a Greenbriar employee while being a Greenbriar girlfriend, but their art gallery is one heaven to have a look at! I take the Post-it on my desk and glance at the clock, realizing it is already lunch time.

Cardan has already sent me a message that he might not be able to lunch together as he has a meeting to attend. He says something like autumn is approaching, so shit is getting a little too serious. Let's not talk about Dain and his endless bullshit and that definitely cracks me up. I glance back at the note - this is Valerian's handwriting. How did I know? Well, because this V is definitely not Vivi. Besides, who else is V in my life instead of Vivi? The obvious answer is definitely Valerian.

Oh, so we're finally talking now?

I roll my eyes and take my bag - the Dior one - and walk out from the room. I offer smile towards the other staff as well as fellow curators, rushing out to catch a taxi to drive me straight to Starbucks. It actually doesn't take that much of a walk, but considering that I'm wearing pumps instead of Mary Janes or my flats, I don't want to risk way too much pain. It is already painful to walk around without my crutch, but work has to be done.

I arrive at Starbucks ten minutes later and find a familiar blonde sitting in the café, his gaze unfocused. I sigh and step into the café. Valerian is wearing a full navy blue suit with a grey waistcoat on the inside, gold cuff links matching the shade of his hair. I take the seat opposite him, and he instantly looks at me. His gaze studies my outfit - a black blazer matched with a white shirt underneath and a black skirt that rests a few inches away from my knees. His eyes widen at the sight of my bag.

"Damn girl, that is one expensive bag for an art gallery staff"

"Hello. And it's the Greenbriar Art Gallery"

Valerian snorts. "Don't make me laugh. You haven't received your first salary yet"

I scowl at him. I mean, he is not technically wrong in a matter of speaking, but he doesn't have to call me out for being moneyless and desperate for some at this point. "Well, what do you want?"

"I'm sorry about the hospital thing. But, I can't be sorry about what I did in the past. But, that's not what I'm going to talk about"

"Give me a break. Let me grab something for lunch, I'm famished"

I head towards the counter and purchase my pumpkin spice as well as a bag of bagels. I return to my seat and find Valerian frowning at his phone, the expression is the same when he first warned me about Nicasia at the beginning of my relationship with Cardan. Thinking of that again, it feels like it has been so long already. I pull back my chair and sit, arms crossed as I look at him. "Well, speak"

Valerian raises an eyebrow, but instead of the friendly teasing expression, a scowl - mildly annoyed and probably angry - etches upon his face. He clearly doesn't like my manner of speaking towards him. There is a briefcase underneath the table, and Valerian lifts it up, putting it in front of us. He opens it, revealing several files and documents with similar handwriting of CONFIDENTIAL. I click out a tongue, switching glances at him and the contents of the briefcase.

Valerian turns the briefcase facing me and leans back against his chair, as if trying to hide himself from public view. I mean, there's less than twelve people in this café, but considering that we're sitting nearby the window, it might be possible that some people might recognize him. I take a folder out, and when I open it, I find pictures.

Guns. Wound pictures. Bullets. Examples of fentanyl effects on victims and the effects they had on patients being put into anesthesia. Files of similar cases that have happened in the past. On the last page, there are several pictures of my wounds - the one near my hip and as well as on my thigh. I grimace at the horrid photographs. Valerian has an indecipherable expression on his face, his eyes completely guarded as he looks around. 

"Why are you showing me this?"

"Taryn told me - well, I asked her - that the police hasn't started any investigation regarding your case yet. And, Cardan hasn't discussed a thing yet, am I right?" Valerian's voice is investigative, his eyebrow rises and his hands are clasped together on the table.

At some point during my recovery phase, both Cardan and I decide it would be best to mention the whole thing after I am fully recovered. He doesn't tell me any reason, but I can make up two - or at least, assume. So, my first reason is I might not be ready to discuss about the thing that might trigger my trauma, and the other one is because the fall fashion project has to be done by a deadline, so Cardan has to give up a lot of our time together on that.

Although, he actually spends more time with me than doing his job. I wonder what Dain or his father has to say about that. Obviously, I am in no place to question about his job or his duties to one of the possible heir to the company, but it would destabilize the company if Cardan keeps up with his I don't give a fuck attitude and purposefully neglecting his work just to piss his brother off. And, I absolutely hate people with lack of professionalism.

But, who am I to know what is in his mind? It could be he actually asks for some time to spend with me. Blood is thicker than water, after all.

Back to the unsolved case. For the past month of my recovery, I have been sitting cross-legged on my bed - if not on the floor - day and night trying to remember who drugged me and shot me. Taryn has told me that Locke found me in a storeroom, bleeding and extremely cold and pale as if the temperature has been dropped to a degree beyond freezing point. She explained that he lifted me out of the storeroom and reached out to her.

And when Cardan found out, he freaked out and screamed to literally anyone who tried to calm him down. Which actually means everyone. An instant regret washes over me as I replay what happened that night after I left the restroom. I should have taken a careful look at the guy I flipped over that tried to drag me away that night. I mean, it would at least give me a moment of strength for flipping someone in my extravagant ball dress. 

And, someone came and covered my mouth with fentanyl soaked cloth. He was wearing a black mask - even his scent was impossible to remember. Has the drug mingle with my head horribly? Locke told me he found me around 10 and I was admitted at 10.30. How long does it take to arrive to ECMC? No matter how many times I try to recall being shot twice, I will always end up with a mild dizziness. And, that is one of the reason why Cardan says the investigation can be held for now - it would be too risky for my brain because the investigators are not likely going to ask nicely. They will force to remember, for sure.

"Yes. Before you berate me, I want to make it clear that we haven't brought the topic up because Cardan is busy and it is still a pretty traumatizing incident in my life"

Valerian's serious expression shifts, concern aligning his features. "But, you can discuss about it now" his words aren't a question, it is more like a statement to make me feel sure about my decision.

"Just don't force me into remembering anything" I say, slightly unsure with my own words.

Valerian nods and turns the briefcase facing him, before shutting the lid and looking ay me. "Very well. I am not going to force you into remembering anything. I'm just going to tell you something that I find suspicious that night" he stops, searching for my reaction. My reaction remains calm, of course. I am unsure of how to react to this. Valerian sighs. "The homecoming"

"I know. I remember that night, just not everything"

"I am not going to push you into going for an investigation, but I realized something that night. After we danced, I saw Nicasia confronting you. I don't wanna know what shit she said to you, but then after you hugged Cardan, you left to the bathroom. I didn't pay much attention, but when Taryn approached me and asked me if I had seen you, that was when I realized Nicasia was also missing around the time you were gone"

I remain silent, and Valerian looks at me. "You suspected Nicasia"

"I can't say I fully suspected her, but she's been acting differently ever since you were admitted to the hospital" Valerian frowns, as if trying to recall things that I have no business in.

Somehow, all the relationships and dramas in their inner circle have drifted them all apart. I feel bad, I won't lie. They have known each other for too long - some ever since they were around five or four. But, one relationship, one cheater, one drama, one case and everything they have built for the past years of their friendship crumble into ashes. I wonder if they want to reconcile. Valerian and Cardan meet every Wednesday and Friday nights for drinks - so, I think they are still close to each other.

I am uncertain about the case with Locke. Cardan has obviously gotten over Nicasia, but it seems like Locke wants something that Cardan has just to piss him off. Cardan loved Nicasia - there is no point in denying that. And Locke seduced her away from him, and dumped her about a month later by saying she is worthless and has no self-respect. This enraged Cardan - why would Locke do such a thing? And, Locke continues to do things that pisses Cardan off, resulting in the rocky waves in their friendship - are they still friends at this point?

And Nicasia. Nicasia loves Cardan - or, at least she thinks she is. I never really pay her any attention during the last month of college when she's not in my sight, but when she's around, I tried to piss her off by holding Cardan's hand or kissing his cheek. Cardan, as always, remains oblivious about this. From Valerian's observation on Nicasia stalking me - well, he said he is not stalking her - he has come up with the conclusion that Nicasia's love for Cardan might have evaporated long when she fell into Locke's seduction.

The feeling that was once pure is now filled with jealousy, rage and possessiveness. It is almost like she's obsessed with my relationship with Cardan. Valerian comes up with the theory that Nicasia is obsessed with Cardan because of all the advantages she can get while she's with him. It is the truth - it is possible that the city's economy probably relies mostly on the Greenbriar business empire. Being a part of the Greenbriar - friends, family, lovers, partners - gives one power. A power that is so easy to acquire but so hard to hold on to. Once you messed up, they will rid of you.

That is what Nicasia is looking for. Power. Being with Cardan gives her power that she rarely gets. Although her mother has her own fashion business, but it doesn't give her much benefit out of it. She likes to be on top - she likes to be the center of attention and Cardan is the person she can get that from. Maybe at first she doesn't mind sharing, but she will end up in greed. She will want more of the attention that leaves Cardan no choice but to rid her for his own benefit.

I remember Taryn saying about Nicasia not knowing anything about the Greenbriar privilege. I snap a look back at Valerian.

"It's impossible. She went to visit me when I was in coma" I say, placing a hand underneath my chin.

Valerian's expression is nothing but surprise. "She did what?"

"I know, it sounds impossible. But Cardan told me this. He was there when she came. Asking him questions and comforting him while I was probably dying slowly" I scowl. The thought of them still being friends annoys me, but I don't want to break Cardan's long-term friendship with Nicasia just because of some dumb and childish jealousy. It's up to him of what he wants to do about that, but as long as they know boundaries, I am fine.

"That doesn't add up to my suspicions. Why would she do that?" Valerian takes out his phone, his eyes frantic as he reads over something on his screen. I wonder what could it be that has him so suspicious of one of his closest friend. 

I lean back, taking a sip from my drink. "Are you trying to accuse Nicasia of being involved in the attempted assassination? Valerian, we don't have any proof"

"I told you, I can't say I truly trust her, especially with the loopholes of that night and that fucked up part of your brain. But, if she can stalk and take pictures of you and Cardan and threaten you to leave him, I doubt she's not able to do such a thing as shooting you to kill you"

I snort, brushing my hand in the air. I know he is being serious, but I can't imagine Nicasia doing such a thing. She is a girl of such specific upper class - she will not risk her reputation just for a boy she's been obsessed with by hurting the girl he is currently in love with. It is not worth the effort especially if it will cause such news and rumors to erupt.

"Jude, this is not funny"

I place a hand on my mouth, stifling a laugh. "I know, I know. But, can you imagine her holding a gun? Man, she can't even hurt a fly. And, how does one acquire such a big dose of fentanyl that completely mingles with parts of my brain as if I've been an addict for years? You're speaking nonsense"

Valerian opens his mouth to contradict my words but as his phone beeps, his words die down and he stares down at the screen. He lets out a sigh and hastily pulls something out of his inside breast pocket, placing it in front of me. My fingers twitch as I unfold the paper, realizing there are several numbers written in Valerian's messy scrawl. I look up at him.

"Call that number when you find anything suspicious" he picks the briefcase and makes his way out of the café. I hastily pick up my bagels and drink, catching up with him as he strides out to his car. Valerian stops abruptly, and I hold on to the pole of the umbrella, catching my balance. He turns to look at me - a guarded expression is on his face, almost as if he doesn't want to be recognized around here. "One more thing, Nicasia is collaborating with Cardan for that fall project. Her mom is, she volunteered to work in her stead"

Valerian slips into his car without letting me ask him any question, and I watch his car drives away until it is out of my sight. The thought of Nicasia and Cardan working together disturbs me. Refusing to let the thought disturbs me even further, I glance at my watch and rush to find a taxi to drive me back to the art gallery.

I arrive on the twenty-fifth floor of the Greenbriar Inc. building, my fingers twitching and my palms sweating as I make my way out of the elevator. I've been to the lobby on my first day to take my staff ID, but this is beyond any extravagancy I have ever witnessed in my entire life. My architecture degree is probably crying in remorse because of my decision to work in an art gallery instead of working in such a luxurious office concubine.

But, it will probably take me years of continuous hard work to ever manage to sit on a chair as expensive as Cardan's customized closet. The hallway is painted navy blue with chandeliers hanging on the white ceiling, wainscoted walls are around me, the frames painted in gold. There are several frames of unique architecture designs that were made by the architects of this company itself. I get so lost in the designs from the pictures and the models on display before me I don't realize someone has already waited for me.

A girl in beige suit with pearl white necklace and her hair put into a low ponytail who is also holding an iPad and a clipboard smiles as I turn to look at her. I bow slightly and she offers a hand for me to shake. "Should we go now? I believe we don't want to make him wait for long"

"Ah, yes. Sorry, everything is just so beautiful here. I got lost" I say, my smile growing with my excitement.

The girl chuckles as she leads me into a door. It is a room filled with probably around twenty people working and fussing about designs and figures for their projects. "My name's Tania. I've been Mr. Greenbriar's assistant for three years" Tania says, pulling me back into focus.

She explains to me about the rules of the company that those of high positions - besides Eldred Greenbriar, the CEO and the founder himself - can hire staffs that they know have potentials to shine within their ranks and talents. And, to think that I am brought straight to be one of those people with great potentials has my heart swelling in pride. At last, it seems like I might be working at Greenbriar Inc after all. 

Tania speaks, "Whatever it is that you intend or wish for when you first joined the company, I assure you Mr. Greenbriar can give you everything that you want. He is one of the most generous people I have ever known. Unlike his arrogant brothers" her voice is a whisper at the end, worried if anyone might overheard us.

I bite back a cynical reply and resist the urge to scowl at her words. I wonder if this Mr. Greenbriar is the same one Cardan has always talked about. And by that, I mean Dain Greenbriar. Yes, he has sent me an email through the company's email, asking me to meet him in his office to discuss about my position in the company. I enjoy working at the art gallery, but maybe it is the time for me to take a chance at a better future. And, Dain is probably an asshole, but considering of how Tania speaks so highly of him, he must be a good boss, indeed.

After all, all three Greenbriar brothers are total assholes. My palms continue to sweat as we arrive in front of a heavy wooden door with Chief Operating Officer, Dain Greenbriar. His middle name is being left out - is it Steve? No, it's Stephen - I've seen it once. Tania knocks and a rough voice insists us to come in, and Tania pushes the door open.

Dain Greenbriar is standing before his desk, staring out of the glass windows of his office. His expression is indecipherable as he takes a sip of his drink - a black coffee. He is wearing a white shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows and a grey waistcoat as well as grey pants. Three rings adorned the fingers on his left hand - one of it is the familiar Greenbriar signet ring. His blonde hair is straight, unlike Cardan soft wavy hair. He turns to me, and I feel his silver eyes pinned on me as our eyes meet.

"Tania, please brew some tea for Miss Duarte"

Tania bows. "Will do, sir" she turns and walks out of the room, leaving me and Dain still standing opposite each other.

Dain takes his glasses and puts it on, sitting on his leather chair. He looks up at me with the same blank expression I see Cardan puts on every time he feels troubled - is this some sort of family trait they have? I mentally slap myself at the thought of Cardan - focus, you can't mess this up. "Please take your seat, Miss Duarte"

I jolt in surprise at his voice and hastily slip into a chair in front of his desk. Dain offers me a soft smile. "So, I believe Tania has explained why I asked for you. I usually introduce myself to others, but considering that you are dating my little brother, I see no need for any introduction. Whatever Cardan told you about me, I hope you won't bring it into your job"

"There is no such thing worth mentioning, sir" except maybe for the part of you mentally and physically abusing Cardan when you were younger - I hear the voice in my head speaks. I shake my head.

Dain lets out a soft laugh - one that reminds me so much of Cardan's. He is getting a lot busier with new projects, and we can rarely spend time now, except during weekends. The last time I saw him was on Monday - and that was only for a kiss before we both departed to work. And after that, we haven't see each other. I miss him already. 

"I can see why Cardan likes you"

I frown at his interest in my relationship with Cardan. "I believe you requested for my presence for you to make me your employee, and not to ask me about my personal life that involves your brother, Mr. Greenbriar" I hiss at his name, and Dain's smile grows.

"I apologize. And, Dain is fine. Only Tania calls me that. The rest of my staffs call me by my name" Dain says. I don't say anything - it isn't on purpose. How do you think one is supposed to reply to such a thing? I shift on my seat and Dain clears his throat.

"Right, the reason why you're here is because I want you to be part of the architecture team. We need new talent and I want someone who is capable of the extravagance that looks so simple but so luxurious at the same time. And, I've seen your degree in architecture and some of your works, even the one with Cardan. I have to say, you deserve all the credits on your part of the project. I've seen your talent, and I am sure you know how much the Greenbriar values talents. So, what do you say?"

I look him dead in the eyes. Surely this is not some trick he is trying to pull over on me, right? Dain is as much as a master of manipulation as Cardan is master of chaos. And, although this is the first time I really speak to him, I know he is good at tricks and manipulation after knowing about Cardan's bad relationship with him. Although he is awful towards Cardan, but there is no doubt he is actually good and professional at work - except what I heard Cardan said to him on phone few months ago. 

I narrow my eyes in suspicion. "If I said yes, does this mean you can give me my own desk to work? So I can design anything I want as long as it brings benefit to me and the company? No tricks applied?"

Dain laughs softly. "Ah. I have nothing personal against you and like I said, I see your talents and potential to go further for your future. Why should I trick you into working with me?" the question implied is an accusation. I almost scoff when he says working with me - what he actually means is working for me. Because, there is no way I can partner with Dain Greenbriar in a project even if he is satisfied with the results. I have heard rumors that he is even harder to satisfy than Yale's top grumpy lecturers. 

I remain silent for a while, contemplating the offer and my dream for a better future. My heart does what it does best - asking me to do what I truly want without giving a single fuck about what people or the world is going to say. Which, in other word means keep working at the art gallery to fulfill my passion for art. But my head, the part that's always fighting for a place, whispers to me to accept Dain's offer - it is a nice one, if I have to be honest.

But, I have learned that having a deal with someone who obviously has an upper hand is a dangerous thing. If I accept his offer and work for him, that means I need to do everything in my best ability to please him with my projects. I mean, it's not like I haven't done similar thing in college, but it is scarier when he is someone I know. Okay, not really - but he is Cardan's brother and it affects me a little. If I messed up, there's no doubt he will fire me instantly.

And, considering the fact that I follow my head more than my heart - except that time when I confessed to Cardan - I accept his offer. Please don't make me regret this once in a lifetime decision that can decide my life and death - why am I so dramatic after dating Cardan? Dain's expression is one of relief and satisfaction - his smile returns to his face. He tilts his head as he looks at me. "Very well. I will show you your desk" Dain stands up and walks to the door. "Follow me, Miss Duarte"

I pick up my bag and smooth my skirt, making my way out of the door. We enter the room with probably around twenty-five people working and Dain leads me to a white cubicle - the other two beside me are occupied with a woman and a man around my age or probably a year or two older. They are both focused on their works until Dain and I approach them. They stand, bowing slightly to him. The man shakes his head.

"Jack. Sophie. This is Jude, your new teammate" Dain introduces me to them, and I blush slightly.

Sophie, the girl with dirty blonde hair and green eyes, pulls me into a hug and pats my back softly as she welcomes me into the team. "Hi, Jude! Welcome to the team. Elfhame graduate? I studied there too!"

"Hi!" I quickly free myself from her embrace before things get too weird and shake my hand with Jack's. He has bright red hair and blue eyes with light freckles across his face. His smile is one that reminds me off the easygoing and innocent best friend character I've always seen in movies and TV shows. I smile back at him.

"Introduce her to Martha and Luke. I don't wanna deal with those two" Dain rolls his eyes.

Jack and Sophie laugh. "You have to stop thinking they are annoying. They are pretty cool" Jack says.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Until they know how to stop nagging every time there's something lacking in their proposal, I will not know peace" Dain fakes a yawn and waves at us, brushing me off. Oh, so I have to do things on my own now? Jack and Sophie cheerfully bid Dain despite him not bothering to spare another glance at them. I huff a snort at his attitude - what a poser.

Jack and Sophie beam excitedly to me and quickly pull me to follow them to a small office at the end of our concubine. Outside the room, there is a guy black hair and warm brown skin - he has glasses on while he concentrates on his work. Jack taps his fingers on the guy's desk and introduce me to him. He offers me a handshake and introduces me his name. So, this is Luke.

Sophie enters the office and a woman dressed in complete dark green suit that compliments her tanned skin - probably a descendant of a Latina family - sits in front of her computer. I glance at the name plate - Martha Bolivar. Sophie introduces me to Martha and I quickly bow out of panic as I realize she is the team's leader. She seems cold when she concentrates on her job, but as soon as she turns to greet me, a soft smile appears and her voice is warm as she speaks.

Sophie pulls me back with her and Jack walks with us as we head back to our cubicles. They pull their chairs toward me and take out their notebooks to start a small ice-breaking session with me. I have never met people with such a big social energy just like them. We exchange info of each other and laugh together.

"Wait, you guys are 30?! You both look so young!" I exclaim.

Jack nods with enthusiasm. "Hey, 30 is a young age, little girl"

"My bad. I thought you guys are like 24 or 26, at least. 30, and you have a child, Sophie?"

Sophie nods and links her arm together with Jack's. His cheeks instantly turns similar to the shade of his hair. "And happily dating this precious bean!"

"I'm not a precious-"

"And I know you're dating the youngest Greenbriar son!" Sophie interrupts, and it is time for my face to turn red.

My hands brush the air and I let out an awkward laugh, scratching the back of my nape at her words. How did she find out about our relationship? Cool, now she's going to think I get this position because of my personal affair with another Greenbriar who clearly has nothing to do with this department. "Ah, but I did not get this work because of our relationship. Mr. Dain himself offers me this position" I say, my voice awkward as the words tumble out of me.

Jack laughs. "Oh, we don't care who you're dating with as long as you know how to do your work" Jack says.

We continue with several random questions before moving to questions about their upcoming project. We spend another two hours discussing new themes and ideas for the project before bringing everything up to Martha and Luke to get their approval. Jack and Sophie say something like man, when has Martha ever accept a proposal without complaining? and I laugh softly. Well, this certainly is a fun day and I intend on visiting Cardan to tell him everything. I smile as I think of him.

Chapter Text

I slip into Cardan's apartment silently, making sure the owner of the place doesn't hear me. Considering it's Friday and I have no work and it is my first day working for Dain and my new team, I decide to just stay here for a few days to make up for the time we have lost due to our jobs and duties. I can hear The Vamps' song blasting from the kitchen, chuckling as I hear Cardan singing to the song too. He has a nice singing voice - is there anything that this man is not good at?!

I bolt upstairs and put my bag there, before running downstairs and heading straight into the kitchen. I take a peek and find Cardan humming to the song while waiting for the cookies in the oven. Does he cook for fun when he's alone? I tiptoe and watch my feet to avoid falling, before wrapping my arms around Cardan's waist. I lean my cheek against his back, relishing the familiar warmth as I feel Cardan turning to face me. He places a soft kiss on my forehead and a big smile appears on his lips as I look up at him.

"I missed you" his voice is soft as he buries his face at the crook of my neck.

I blush and my arms rise to wrap around his neck, holding tight to his comfortable warmth. "I missed you too" I say, my voice coming out very soft and small - like a little child.

I don't have to look at Cardan to know that he is smiling upon hearing my words. Ever since that day when we both confessed in my bedroom, I have become more open with my own feelings and words. And if I have to be honest, I am extremely proud of this new development of my personality. Cardan lifts me up and puts me on the counter, his smile never faltering as he looks at me. I want to look away, but I can't deny how much I miss this man and his smile and his voice and his face and - stop right there. Okay, I miss him. I can't even describe it right now.

Because apparently when Cardan is around, I am incapable of thinking straight or making proper decision or form full sentences except my true feelings. My legs are hanging off the island counter, purposefully bumping my feet into Cardan's knees. He grabs a hold of my leg and I let out a laugh, and he laughs along with me too. I pull him into a kiss and when our lips meet, I feel like all the oxygen has resurfaced. Cardan places a hand on my thigh, softly drawing circles with his fingers as he kisses deeper, eliciting a soft sigh from me.

Cardan pushes my skirt up slightly and places a hand on my inner thigh as he catches my bottom lip between his teeth. I dare myself to open my eyes to look at him, and I find all his desires and wicked intention pouring from those beautiful dark eyes. I gasp and tangle my fingers in his jet black hair, letting his tongue plunges into my mouth. Cardan pulls me closer, pressing me against himself and I feel it.

Oh my God, he is hard as a rock.

"You have no fucking idea how much I missed you, darling" Cardan says, his voice low and rough. 

I feel my knickers growing damp at his tone, my breath coming out ragged as I find his eyes eyeing me with unfiltered desire. Cardan's hand slides higher, passing my skirt and he catches the button of my blazer in his fingers, tugging them softly. My heartbeat and my desire give away my consent and Cardan begins unbuttoning the blazer, pushing it off my shoulders, leaving me in my satin white camisole and my skirt.

Cardan's eyes flicker briefly to my cleavage before locking our gazes back together. The tip of his fingers trail the skin of my hand, up to my arm, my shoulder and my collarbone, and my voice catches in my throat as the shiver runs down my spine and arousal starts sparking in my lower abdomen. I try to make the littlest movement possible to rid of my desperateness of him, but Cardan seems to catch it as he grips my chin softly. He lets out a low laugh, a finger going to play with my camisole's strap.

"What is it, Jude?"

His voice is like an enchantment, heavy with magic that speaks to me with the sole intention of bewitching and seducing me. "Please. Fuck me" my voice comes out breathless, desperate and high in all wrong way possible. Cardan's smirk grows and he tilts my head slightly, before latching his lips on the skin of my neck. An arm hooks behind my knees, while the other goes to my back, lifting me up. Cardan doesn't let me speak as his lips return to mine, kissing me so aggressively as he carries me across the apartment.

The kiss grows hurried as we enter his bedroom - is it possible to call it ours now? - and Cardan drops me on the bed, crawling on top of me with a smirk of a proud predator who succeeds in catching his biggest and most important prey. He makes a quick work of removing his shirt and pants, my camisole and even my skirt, leaving us only in our undergarments. Cardan lets out a low groan and he places a hand on my thigh.

My thoughts are railed successfully away as Cardan's hand moves up to my knickers, pushing the smooth material away. I gasp and he pushes my legs apart, grinning wickedly at the sight before him. Cardan leans down, and when I think he is bending lower to kiss me, I realize I am wrong. Completely and unbelievably wrong. Instead, he kisses the side of my hips and I watch him as he moves lower until his face is a few inches away before my core. His eyes find mine, and he clicks his tongue.

"Will you let me, Jude?" he says, and my breath hitches as I feel his breath against my cunt. I feel the juice dripping out of me at his low voice.

My fingers twitch as I grip the sheets beneath me, my chest heaving and my body sweating and shaking with desire. "Yes" I breath out, and Cardan groans.

I am too distracted with my own desire until Cardan's tongue suddenly licks a long strip on my slit, and I automatically arch my back. His eyes are on me as his tongue moves - slow and titillating and hypnotizing - against my slit as if he is daring me to shut my eyes off as he brings me my pleasure. My mouth parts, and Cardan hums between my thighs, his teeth grazing the skin above my clit. I let out a loud moan as my grip on the silk beneath me tightens.

His tongue moves, gathering the moisture falling down along my slit before circling my clit. I let out a surprised scream, and Cardan places a hand on my thigh, gripping and squeezing harshly as if warning me not to do anything that will distract both of us from the pleasure. His tongue and teeth move in sync as he sucks on my clit, his mouth becoming red and swollen as he looks up at me. My chest rises up and down, our eyes locked together. He moves away from my cunt, and I let out a whine.

Cardan clicks his tongue as he looks at me. "Very impatient. Very greedy" he says, before leaning close to kiss the skin at my collarbone - his kiss lazy and sloppy. My eyes roll to the back in pleasure as I arch against him, and he gives a low laugh. My legs are shaking with the orgasm building, and he seems to be having fun holding the orgasm against my will as our eyes meet again. Starless sky night-like eyes meet mine, the tip of his fingers trailing the side of my torso.

"Take off your bra. Touch yourself" his voice is the sign of dominance. I am not the type of person to be ordered around by someone, but at his tone, and my own desperation, I arch slightly and unclasp my bra before wriggling the straps off my shoulders. Cardan's hand outstretched to me, and I hand the garment to him. He throws it away and quickly removes his underwear, revealing me the sight of his hard cock, the tip leaking with pre-cum. I let out a moan.

Cardan doesn't wait as he aligns the tip with my slit, before pushing in softly, letting out a stuttered groan as he spreads me open. I gasp and instantly arch, gripping his arms and digging my nails into his skin. I lift my hips to take him whole, and as we both adjust to the size and position, Cardan starts thrusting slowly inside me. My legs curl around his waist, and he lifts me, gripping my ass as he moves. His movement grows faster, our wanton moans and gasps echoing the room lit by the sunset light outside. 

I turn my head and kiss Cardan's lips, and his grip on my ass tightens as his lips move against mine, his thrust growing faster and harder by each second that passes. My teeth nips his bottom lip deliberately, and Cardan hisses in warning. I feel my orgasm building intensely as we move, and I break the kiss, throwing my head back as I let out obscene sound after sound, bereft of the ability to speak despite wanting to ask Cardan to move faster.

"Cardan, please. Please, please move faster. Please" I beg him. Cardan places me back on the bed and changes the speed of his thrust, and I let out a scream. My head is a jungle of desire - bright and alight with fire that runs down my spine and my cunt, spilling juices after juices as I clench around Cardan's cock desperately. He thrusts deeper and when his tip brushes against my g-spot, I let out a loud scream, holding tight to the sheets beneath me as my orgasm approaches me.

Cardan thrusts against the same spot again, and when he realizes he finds it, his mouth splits into a proud, wicked grin as I scream his name, the juice dripping out of me like the tidal waves of the sea. My cunt clenches around his cock as I come, and Cardan continues to thrust, trying to find himself the release too. Mere seconds later, Cardan's grip on me loosens, his cock spasms as he comes. He lets out a loud growl as he spills inside me, and I watch him. As soon as his cock softens, he slides out of me, lying on the bed beside me.

Our chests are still heaving and my throat is sore after all the energy I put into screaming his name. The weight of the bed shifts as Cardan turns and pulls me towards him, peppering kisses on the skin of my shoulder. A giggle explodes out of my lungs as I rest my head against his shoulder, looking up at him. His face is flushed - probably a reflection of the color on my heated cheeks. The juices dripping down my thighs are sticky and I force myself to ignore, having no intention to ruin the mood.

Cardan brushes the hair covering my neck, his eyes studying my neck closely. Then, his eyes move over to look all over my body, as if searching for something. A satisfied smirk appears on his lips. "Well, I surely had went a bit too rough on you" he says, chuckling to himself.

Just when I think the color from my cheeks start to subside, his words make them rush to my cheeks again. "Cardan!" I say, slapping his chest softly.

He places a hand against my cheek, his big thumb brushing the skin softly. "Come on. Let's get you into bath and you can tell me about your day"

I laugh as he moves from the bed, lifting me up. I lean my head against his chest and wrap my arms around his neck, relishing in the warmth of Cardan's chest against my cheek. At some point, I have gotten used to sex and nakedness that it feels comfortable to have direct skin contact without any such thing that involves intercourse. Of course, we still have sex regularly - not this week, unfortunately - but sometimes the little touches are enough.

How have I gotten so lucky? How is it that he manages to complete the hollowness in some part of my life? I don't know, and maybe it would be better that way, as I intend to not lose him. Not anymore. Not when I remember he is going to spend a month working with Nicasia, preparing for the fall project. We enter the bathroom and Cardan helps me with the shower.

I close the water tap and wipe my hands on the kitchen towel before moving to arrange both our plates and mugs on the rack. I turn on my feet and walk towards the living room, finding Cardan's eyes glued on the TV screen, the remote control in his hand. He is picking a movie to watch again - like we usually do every time I sleep here. I am considering moving in, but I am not sure if Cardan would want that to happen. I take my seat on the couch beside him, and Cardan pulls me to him, inhaling the scent of my shampoo.

"It's almost six months. Don't you want to move in?" he says, eyes still looking at the search screen.

My jaw twitches - did he just read my mind? No, that's totally impossible. I look up at him. "Do you want me to? I've been thinking, but I'm not sure"

Cardan's gaze finally meets mine. "Jude, if there is something I wanted, it is for you to live together with me. We can wake up and go to work together. I mean, the gallery is close to my office, so I can always send you there"

I know I am supposed to answer him, but I freeze at the mention of the gallery. Right, I haven't told him about Dain taking me into his wing yet. Although there is a part of me that believes that Cardan is probably aware about my new job in the architecture department, then I remember Cardan is working in the fashion department and his relationship with Dain is hardly getting better these days. If I have to guess, I will say it has become worse. 

"Cardan, I no longer work at the gallery" I say abruptly, trying to ignore the loud thumping of my heartbeat.

He frowns, looking confused as if he has heard something so peculiar. He seems to look for words to ask, but the only thing that comes out is a simple "why?"

I gnaw at my lower lip. "Dain offers me a position in the architecture department"

At the mention of Dain, Cardan's expression changes. His jaw clicks and his posture tenses, and I realize that he is angry. Like it has happened many times, I have become familiar with Cardan's temper. I have also experienced that loud and scary temper of his in the past, back when we were still filled with abhorrent for each other. But, there is nothing to top his silent anger. Although I have become familiar to it, but it is more dangerous than anything else of his anger that I have witnessed.

Every time Dain angers him, he becomes tense, quiet and cold. The cold rage is simmering out of him, surrounding him like a shield with sharp knives that could cut through bones, his eyes are completely guarded and no one can seem to figure it out. And now, I know why. Dain has shown him anything but kindness and every time he upsets Cardan - even the slightest issue - he will become silent. Because, he doesn't want to show it - it would make him weak, lowly, small and a child all over again.

And I know just how much it feels like. 

Feigning ignorance at my own fear, I touch Cardan's shoulder, trying to make him to look at me. "Cardan"

He doesn't look at me as he speaks. "Dain has clearly crossed the boundaries this time"

Cardan scoffs, and I swear I feel the fear inside me rising. I try to hold his hand and he instantly pushes my hand away, standing up with his fists clenched. I rise to my toes, and when I'm about to speak, Cardan walks away from me, slamming his hands down on the glass rack at the corner of the living room. It shatters from his strength, and blood spills out from his wrists, palms and fingers. I scream in panic.

"Cardan! You're hurting yourself!"

"Well, thank fuck for stating the obvious!" he hisses, stepping away from the shattered rack.

I run off to look for the first aid kit, and when I find it, I instantly rush to Cardan. I grab a black towel on the couch and wrap both his hands with it to stop them from bleeding, ruining the pristine white floor with their fierce and bright color. I drag him into the bathroom and when we reach there, I take the towel off and turn on the water spray.

"This is going to hurt a bit, but I need you to stay still"

Cardan doesn't say anything but when the water gently hits his wounded hands, he hisses and flinches. I look up at him and find him gritting his teeth as the water washes away the blood dripping down from his hands. I ask him to sit on the small chair beside the bathtub and although I expect him to protest, Cardan remains silent as he takes his seat. Even when he's sitting down, I can still feel how tall he is.

I hastily take out the antiseptic to wash away the remaining blood before taking a roll of bandage and start wrapping them around Cardan's hands. He flinches slightly as I put the pin, and I worry if I accidentally poke at his wounded skin. I am used to aid people when little injuries happen - considering that Vivi is always there every time I get myself into trouble, I decide to practice doing the same so if anyone is in need of aid, I can come to their rescue.

I finish wrapping Cardan's wounds and I hold his hand, observing his face. There's a cut on his cheek - it probably bled while I was too panic about his hands that I didn't realize about that one. There is a cut on his lower lip too. I wash the small towel and dab it on his cuts, and Cardan hisses softly. I place a hand on his chin, and our eyes meet. Cardan hooks an arm around my thigh, pulling me to sit on his lap.

He presses a kiss to the skin of my neck, burying his face there as if he doesn't want to look at me. It seems as if he's ashamed of his outburst. But, as Cardan's grip around my waist tightens, I realize what he is ashamed about. He isn't ashamed about the fact that he had expressed his anger to the point of hurting himself badly, he is ashamed because he think I might be scared of him after witnessing that. 

"Cardan" I whisper, and Cardan pulls me closer.

"I'm- I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to see that. I snapped. I'm sorry" his voice is shaking and his face is still hidden from me.

My fingers reach into his hair, caressing them gently with affection. "Cardan, it's not your fault. Look at me, please" I say, tilting my head slightly to catch his eyes. But, Cardan refuses. "Love, please"

His expression softens at the term of endearment that slips out of my lips. Love. I remember when I was so young, sitting in the backyard with Vivi and Taryn while our parents observed us from the patio, we would have different conversations about our life. There was one time Taryn brought up the topic of having lovers and asked what would we all call our partners. Vivi has come up with shortcake - which she never gets to use because Heather is taller - and Taryn said she wanted to call her partner as sweetheart or sweetie. And I came up with love - short, ordinary but meaningful.

"Please don't be afraid of me. Please, Jude. I can't - I don't want you to fear me" his voice is still shaking, but has calmed a little. I place a soft kiss on his forehead.

"I am not and will never be afraid of you, Cardan. I love you" I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Can we still talk about it? I mean, my new job?"

Cardan seems hesitant at first, but then he nods. "So you accepted the offer, I take?"

I nod as a reply. Cardan doesn't ask further questions which gives me no choice but to barrel on. "He's seen our final project and said that I have potential. Well, after insulting you, of course"

Cardan gives a hollow laugh. It seems like he is still furious with his brother, but he tries his best to keep his temper in check. He moves the hair covering my face and offers a soft smile. "My brother has always been the one to mix work and his personal life. I will be honest, Jude. I do not like the fact that you're working for Dain, but I have to agree with him. You have potential. But, if anything happens, you can ask to be transferred to someone else's wing. Preferably Elowyn's - Taryn and I work for her"

Cardan presses a soft kiss on my jaw and lifts me up, carrying me out of the bathroom. We stop at the first staircase, looking at the damage Cardan's done towards the rack, laughing. Yeah, we can sweep everything away in the morning. Cardan puts me down but my arms stay around me, and he pulls me closer to him as I rest my head against his chest.

Out of nowhere, slow music starts playing and Cardan spins me around the room. His knees and my thighs keep bumping together, and the dimmed room is filled with our laughter as we spin and playfully step on each other's feet. I am careful as I take Cardan's hands - afraid that I might touch the fresh wounds as we twirl around. Taylor Swift's Lover is playing and Cardan instantly pulls me into a kiss - his hands gripping my hips as he hoists me up to press his lips against mine.

My fingers are tangled in his hair and my legs automatically wrap themselves around Cardan's waist, refusing to let go of the kiss. Gasps and soft sighs are the only sounds in the room beside the heavy rain pouring outside. It feels as though the time has stopped. There is only him and I. Cardan and Jude. Us together. Our tongues slip into each other's mouths at the same time as we kiss, I feel my weight shift as Cardan puts me down on the bed.

Cardan only lets go briefly to remove his shirt before returning to kiss me again. I place both my hands on the hard plane of his chest, the tip of my nails gently scratching at the skin. The kiss is unhurried - one that we always have when we want to savor the moment after a few days of not meeting each other. Cardan's hand slips under my shirt and his lips find the skin of my neck, kissing softly before grazing his teeth against the skin. I moan - the sound soft and barely audible - but Cardan's eyes turn dark as he looks at me in the eyes.

I press my lips against his briefly before pulling away, a teasing grin appears on my face as Cardan scowls. "You're injured and I'm tired. Let's go to sleep"

I push him softly off me but Cardan has an arm under me. As I push him, he pulls me and now I am lying on top of him. The scowl on his face is replaced with a big grin, his eyes alight with mischief. I roll my eyes and slap his chest hard, and Cardan groans before laughing out loud. I listen to his heartbeat as I rest my head against his chest, realizing the rhythm and speed is similar as mine every time he is around.

"You have a nice body. I would like to watch you play basketball one day" I murmur.

Cardan's fingers ruffle my hair, and I move to lie down next to him. "You didn't watch me in school?" he asks, a smug tone in his voice.

I roll my eyes as I look at him. His lips is tilted slightly - a half-smile - and he is looking at me with that look. "You really are obsessed with yourself. I've watched, but never really paid attention. But now you're my boyfriend. I would like to see you in those jerseys and scoring goals in the court"

A big grin appears on his face. "Anything for you, my sweet Jude. Anything for you" he whispers and presses a kiss on my forehead, and I feel heat running to my cheeks.

"I love you" my voice is child-like - soft and slow, as if I wasn't the one who blurted it out first when we both confessed in the dim lights of my bedroom.

Cardan pulls me closer to him and I feel his fingers running through my hair as he looks me in the eyes. "I love you too. By you, I am forever undone"

My heart beats faster than ever at his words. No one's ever spoken to me with such honesty with a sentence that carries so much feelings. My eyes are getting tired despite my urge to ask him if he truly means that. But, I snuggle closer to him - as if we are not already latching to each other - and close my eyes. I can ask everything tomorrow - even about his outburst of rage about Dain.

Chapter Text

By the time I wake up in the morning, I was expecting to wake up next to Cardan. But, his side on the bed is empty and his last night's clothes are already in the laundry basket beside the bathroom door. I groan at the bright sunlight hitting my eyes as I turn my phone on, looking at the time that is already half past nine. I sit up abruptly and dial Cardan's number - where is he at such hour?

I hear Cardan's ringtone and find his phone on his desk. Oh my, he must have left it in a hurry and only take his work phone with him. Just to make it clear, Cardan has two phones - one is for his personal use, and the other for his work. His excuse was Dain literally calls me at every fucking hour possible, and I hate it. That's why I blocked him and told him to only call me by the other number if there is anything related to work. I was a bit suspicious at first, but when I checked his phone the other day - while he was asleep and without his permission - I found nothing but Dain and Taryn.

I take his phone and type in the password, checking his messages. Mine is above all the other - pinned with the name Sweet Jude. I blush and bite my lip as I tap on the message box, finding his text for me. I can just check it on my phone, but hey - Cardan has given me access to his personal belongings.

Good morning, and sorry, love. I am needed at a meeting. I'll tell you details later. Things are a mess with my dad right now

I put his phone after probably three minutes of staring without moving from my position, I put the phone away and stand up from the bed. I pick a grey hoodie hanging on the armrest of Cardan's study's chair and slip it through my head and move around the room to make the bed. As much as I love sleeping on this bed - because why the fuck wouldn't someone enjoy sleeping on this bed with their amazing, rich, hot, clever but stupid and amazing boyfriend? Did I say amazing? Yes, he's amazing - but I hate tidying this bed.

Look, it's not like I hate tidying his bed because it's too messy or too big, but the reason is because there are too many unopened boxes and parcels in this room. It is so hard to move around without looking down to see if I am kicking one of Cardan's many Louis Vuitton boxes and it annoys me. Cardan really needs to open all his parcels as soon as he gets them and keep them in his wardrobe. Like, why is he keeping them untouched? Is he making an unboxing haul or forgetting the existence of his stuff? Probably the second one.

I lift a few boxes beside the bed and place them on the study and return to the bed, pulling the duvet and straightening the surface. I inhale sharply and wipe the sweat on my forehead, bolting towards the bathroom after finishing with my first errand. I do not take much time to brush my teeth and wash my face before stepping into the shower. I might just go to the store in the lobby to get myself a nice burrito and a cup of latte.

After changing into a pair of sweatpants and a green shirt that obviously belongs to Cardan, I take my credit card and walk out from the house. For a Saturday morning, this is quite too quiet for me. My usual Saturday mornings are always filled with Vivi and Taryn screaming for me to join them for breakfast while I'm still under covers with my iPad on my lap, watching whatever show I am hooked at the moment. Or, it sometimes end up with me rushing to do some stuff that doesn't look like a big deal at all.

I like mornings with Cardan - our mornings are filled with usually one of us waking up probably ten to fifteen minutes earlier than the other, staring until the other wakes up. And then, the usual morning greetings and the lazy kisses and cuddles - and sometimes morning sex too, if we're not exhausted from the previous night's activity. We usually spend another hour in bed just talking and watching the movie Cardan played on his TV while sharing kisses and also, breakfast in bed is a must.

I didn't like it at first, but after a while, it was quite relaxing for me.

And then, we will both go to bath. Cardan usually takes the guest bathroom because he says that I might be uncomfortable to shower with him - which is the truth. Of course, Cardan has seen me completely naked too many times, but showering with him is just not something I'm quite comfortable at the moment. Maybe one day I'll be fine with it.  

There are also mornings where Cardan will wake up super early and wake me up an hour later with cookies and latte prepared for me. It is overwhelming, to think how much he cares about me. Ever since the incident at the graduation party, he has been doubling his effort in taking care of me even after I told him not to. I feel rather bad because I don't know what I can do to repay his kindness and love for me. Seriously, how can a man be so perfect?

I shove my hands into my pocket as I enter the café, walking straight to the counter to order my latte. After paying and five minutes of waiting, the barista hands me over my drink and I walk out to the nearby convenient store. It's a new store as I have never been here before. I wonder if Cardan goes down here to buy food or anything. I smile at the cashier as I pay for my bread - yes, I might just look for ingredients in the kitchen to see if there's anything I can use to make burrito, but now, I need something to eat because I'm extremely hungry.

I take the elevator and take a look at my phone. Tons of messages from my team are flooding in because Jack shared a picture and video of him proposing to Sophie. I send a congratulatory text in the group before returning my attention to my drink, stepping out of the elevator. I step into the apartment and check to see if Cardan is home, but he's still not here. God, it is weird to have a Saturday morning without him right now.

I walk into the TV room and freeze as I find a person standing nearby the shattered glass rack. I am not surprised because of the rack, but the person standing there is a very unexpected and uninvited guest for me and it is only morning. My grip on my coffee cup tightens, looking at Nicasia who's checking the frames of me and Cardan. She turns and when she finds me, the sour expression on her face turns into a soft smile.

"Well, I wanted to see Cardan, but turns out, you're the only one occupying his place" she says, and I can sense the mockery in her tone.

"Cardan's not here. And, I live here too, so put that frame down" I say, taking careful steps towards her.

Nicasia lets out a scoff and places the frame back before crossing her arms, looking at me. Despite being taller than her, I feel so small and intimidated. I wonder if Valerian's words are nothing but the truth. That this girl in front of me has actually shot me twice when I was drugged. I wonder if she even knows how to hold a pistol let alone pull the trigger. I try to make sure that my face is unresponsive as ever, and seeing the scowl forming on Nicasia's face, I know I did it.

"You live here? Are you too poor to buy a new house now that you're working? Pity, pity Jude. Using her pretty face to get Cardan's sympathy"

I stifle a laugh. "At least he chooses me over you because he knows I'm pretty"

"How dare you!" Nicasia hisses, her anger rising just as my laugh bubbles in my throat.

I cross my arms together and look down at her, stepping closer. "If you want to discuss about the fall project, then you should just do that on weekdays. Cardan's not working on weekends, so please, get the fuck out of this house"

"I could kill you, Duarte. I told you I will ruin your life just so I can get Cardan back"

I let out a frustrated sigh and click my tongue, rolling my eyes at Nicasia. Isn't she tired of this chasing game she's playing on her own? No one is participating - Cardan doesn't talk to her unless it's about their work. She is really unhealthily obsessed with him. "Go home, Nicasia. No one's playing your game"

I turn my feet away and head straight towards the direction of the stairs, ignoring the annoyed noise Nicasia is making behind me. As I reach for the railing, I hear the sound of the door being slammed open and the next thing I know is Valerian is pinning Nicasia on the ground, his face clearly furious as he looks at her.

Something clatters on the floor dramatically and I realize it's a pocket knife. I gasp and turn to look at Valerian. "What the-"

"Do you have a wish to die? Go hide while I hold this bitch!"

"Valerian! Let me go! Let me go! I will kill-"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING IN MY FUCKING HOUSE?"

Valerian freezes on top of Nicasia, so she pushes him away, rushing to her knife. But, I do the unthinkable - I run to the knife and take it before her, and she grabs me by my foot, causing me to tumble down and hit my head on the wall behind me. I let out a scream and try to kick Nicasia away but the pain is too much - my eyes are losing their vision. I keep the knife within my grip, refusing to let her get it. Whatever it is she is trying to do to me, I won't let her.

"Fucking hell, Nicasia! Get a fucking grip on yourself!" Valerian grabs Nicasia by her shoulders and pulls her away from me, and I lie down while inhaling deep breaths.

I sit up with the knife still in my hand, turning my head to look at Cardan. He doesn't look at me, but Nicasia instead - not in a good way, if you're curious. She's struggling in Valerian's locked grip on both her arms, kicking the floor with her sneakers nonstop to be free. Valerian's jaw is clenched as he tries to keep the girl in place. 

Cardan's expression is dark, as if he is on the verge of a serious explosion. His jaw clicks as he looks down at me, the look in his eyes indecipherable as he extends a bandaged hand for me to take. I reach to him hesitantly and when Cardan pulls me off the ground, he instantly wraps an arm around my waist before turning to look back at Nicasia.

"Why are you here, Nicasia?" Cardan says, his voice shaking with anger.

Nicasia doesn't answer, instead, she keeps trying to free herself from Valerian's grip. Cardan's fingers twitch. "If you think I won't make your life as hell as you made Jude's, think again, Nicasia. Why did you have a knife pointed at Jude?"

"Cardan, she didn't do-"

His grip on my waist tightens as a warning. "Shut up, Jude" 

"I wasn't pointing a knife at her. Nothing happened" Nicasia says, not even making an effort to cover up her obvious lie. My eyes widen at her words, and I feel my skin trembling with instant fire. I push Cardan away from my waist and walk towards her, slapping her right in the face. Valerian's grip is purposefully loosening, and Nicasia drops to the ground. I still have her knife in my hand as she looks up at me.

I grip a strand of her hair, forcing her to meet me in the eyes. "Did you just lie?" my words are trembling.

"I do not" she says in an arrogant tone, and I pull her hair tighter. She lets out a surprised yelp, clearly unexpecting the tug I did on her. 

My fingers tremble, the knife shaking between my grip. I hold it against her face, tilting my head slightly. "Drop the act, Nicasia. Or, I'll slice your face by myself"

Nicasia scoffs. "Slice my face? You should have known the consequences better of threatening someone of upper-"

Her words are halted abruptly because of the slap Valerian landed on her cheek. "Shut the fuck up, bitch"

Valerian is readying himself for another slap to Nicasia's cheek, but a hand wave from Cardan stops him. I glance up at him, taking in his expression. I have never seen him this angry before - not when he slammed me to a tree when I punched, not when he scolded me for injuring myself in the hall after annoying Nicasia, not when he destroyed the glass rack last night. He looks almost murderous - as if one movement and everyone will be dead.

Cardan places both his hands on his waist, sighing. "Nic, you're my best friend. Why are you doing this? Why did you try to harm my girlfriend?"

Nicasia remains silent, her lips pressed tightly together. There are tears brimming at her eyelids, threatening to fall. I am not sure what to make of that sight - she's been horrible to me ever since we were children, but she is also in pain right now. Plus, if I can forgive Cardan and Valerian, why can't I do the same to her?

I feel Cardan's eyes on me, and when I look at him, I find the look of asking for my permission. I am uncertain of what he is intending to, but I nod anyway. Cardan squeezes my hand before sinking slowly to his knees, meeting Nicasia at eye level. Valerian reluctantly lets go of her, a scowl clear on his face.

"Nicasia"

"You love her! You used to love me! For years! Even when we were in school! You don't love me anymore! I can't lose you, Cardan!"

Nicasia's outburst causes my body to stiffen. What did she just say? I glance in Cardan's direction, seeing the guarded look. I have not seen it in a while - the last time I witnessed that was after he slammed the glass shelf in their apartment. I release a shaky breath and clench my fists together, watching for the turning point.

I open my mouth, then close it again. I am unsure of what I am intending to say. This is too much of a drama for a morning that is supposed to peaceful. 

"Nicasia" Cardan's voice pulls me out of my thoughts. "You are my best friend. You have always been. I was young. We were children. But, I have always-"

"Don't you say you love me!" Nicasia shrieks, the sound bordering on hysterical. Valerian's grip on her is tight, no doubt he will leave imprints of his fingers, or better yet, bruises. Nicasia's feet stomped on the tiles. "If you truly loved me, I should be the one living in this apartment with you! I should be the one to be on your side and I-"

Nicasia's words are halted when a slap landed across her cheek, and she staggers away from Valerian's hold. Cardan rises to his feet and stares down at Nicasia, his whole body trembling with fury. "I love you as a friend, Nic. I have always been" he says, voice on the verge of cracking. "But, no amount of dignity will make me take back an ex who cheated on me with my other best friend. I love Jude, I loved you. And, if that is clear, you can leave my place and I don't want to see your face anymore"

"Cardan-"

"Oh, tell your mother there will be no more collaboration between us. You can ask any of my brothers, but I am no longer interested. Now, get out"

Nicasia does not waste any of her time. She furiously wipes at the tears trickling down her cheeks and gives me a hateful stare before rushing out, Valerian trailing after her. Burdened with guilt, I reach for the door but Cardan closes it the moment Valerian steps out, and he shakes his head.

"Cardan"

"Jude, let her be. She knows what she's done"

My mind is exhausted. "Fine. But we will talk after this"