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Chapter Text

“Did you hear? The An Ding peak lord of Cang Qiong sect self destructed!”

“Ha! Heaven has eyes, that traitorous spy finally  got his retribution!”

“Aiya, Ol’ Wang, your tongue is too wicked, to  speak ill of the dead! Perhaps the peak lord still had a conscience, and shattered his soul  because he could not live with the guilt of collaborating with demons!”

“What an implausible explanation, a self-serving fellow like that, how could he have a conscience! I  heard, what Mobei-jun asked him to do was too cruel, even someone as spineless as that would rather self destruct!”

“Ah, now you mention it, my mother's brother’s second cousin’s wife said, not only did the peak lord serve him on the battlefield, Mobei-jun also wanted him to service the king in bed!”

“Think about it. Why else would someone as cowardly as him care about honor, ah? Clearly, the humiliation was too great to bear!”

“These demons truly have no shame! First Luo Binghe, that collaborator with the demon race, covets his pure and upstanding Shizun, now this Mobei-jun, lusting after his own subordinate, even in death he will not let him rest in peace!”

“Ah?”

“A traveler from the north told me, a wandering cultivator who witnessed with his own eyes, that vile demon still keeps the body in his fortress, in his own room, doing who-knows-what to it every night!”

“This Shang Qinghua, indeed deserves such a fate! That’s what you get for collaborating with demons!”

//

(5 years later)

“...one shichen...no, half a shichen more, please, Shizun...mm mmm mm...”

Ah? What is this, soft and mushy, the beds at An Ding are clearly harder than his little air-

Mud! A pile of rotten mud! Ah, which shixiong is it again, who decided to play a prank on this poor, defenseless - 

That’s not right. 

Isn’t he already a peak lord? Not that he spends much time sleeping on the peak, ah! With all the work from his spoilt second-generation demon son, how would he have the time to take...

Aiya, stop thinking, stop thinking, be more down to earth, let’s first dig ourself out of the soil before getting to the bottom of this!  

Only...when Shang Qinghua tries to sit upright, his limbs refuse to move. Like a vegetable rooted in the ground, the Great God Airplane cannot get up, let alone shoot, ah!

Might as well lie down, rest a little as he waits for his strength to come back - this feeling really is quite weird and nice, in both his lives before, Airplane had never experienced the sensation of waking from a long, refreshing nap! 

After spending great effort, like a lotus from the filth, or the member of a lecherous lord, he is able to rise, look around at his surroundings...ah, judging from the human-sized hole some chi away, it seems like Cucumber-bro has left without saying goodbye! What a heartless shixiong, no wonder no one suspected you weren’t Shen Jiu! 

The sun is bright, Shang Qinghua, time to get up! 

...never mind, let’s sleep in today.

//

to be continued...

Chapter Text

There once was a creator god, whose loneliness grew more intense over time. Thus the goddess Nüwa created mortals. From yellow earth, she molded the shapes of people with her own hands. But the goddess grew tired and could not make every single person by hand. So, she took the end of a rope, dipped it in mud, and began to swing it around, forming the rest of the populace in this manner. It is said that the highborn nobles are descendants of those that Nüwa touched with her hand, while the common people were formed from mud stirred up the rope.

The great Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky was a stallion novel writer.

A relatively reputable stallion novel writer.

Releasing ten thousand words in a day’s span, with expert speed and willpower, the author’s periodic eight chapter burst releases a legend on Zhongdian, to be glimpsed but not attained, a feat only achieved by hours of perseverance, not sleeping or eating, not even using the toilet till he was done. 

So naturally, without thinking twice, when Airplane juju could get inspiration, he of course would jump at the chance. 

To put it nicely, it was ‘to gain inspiration’, to be crass, it was to plagiarize the ancients, such is the life of a broke author, ah. 

One hand on the keyboard, the other setting down a cup of instant ramen, the great god Airplane begins to type. 

番外：创世纪 （Extras: The Account of Creating the World）

There once was a creator god, whose loneliness grew more intense over time. Thus the god created ...

Comments

#569 Sha Hualing’s Little Bell:

What a mood killer. Where  are the pretty sisters?

#1742 Bing-ge’s Heavenly Pillar:

Another chapter, the quality really is going down. Does Airplane juju do anything besides write? Maybe if he had some p*p*p* experience the plot would be better!

     Replying to #1742 Anonymous:

• Ha, what do you think, the author of a stallion novel, this kind of pervert, who would want to stand within 3 feet of him, let alone p*p*p* ! 

//

“There once was a creator god, whose loneliness grew more intense over time. Thus the god created mortals, humans and demons, shaping them from earth and mud. Demons were made from the hardier earth, so they were stronger and more powerful, whereas humans, made from river mud, were delicate and weak of constitution, thus they are reliant on their wits to survive instead of  physical prowess.

But even between humans and within demons there are differences between the strong and the weak. Because, some were sculpted from the god’s own hand, for the others, he did not expend the same amount of effort and time. Those whom the god favored and their descendants are blessed to be extraordinary, above the rest.”

“...is Mo-er also extraordinary?”

“Indeed, being from the  ancient demon bloodline, second only to the heavenly demons, born to rule this realm, Mo-er must be the - the  m-most loved of the creator god...”

“Niang! NIANG!”

“...silly child. Niang is fine. Come  to the altar with me.”

“Mn!”

Her ice cold hands lay out the offerings. His small palms clumsily follow.

“Mo-er,  be good. These  cannot be eaten, they are for the god to eat.” 

“But niang, where is he?”

“...ah, Mo-er, I haven’t finished the story yet. After the creation of mortals, there was a hole in the heavens. Fires raged out of control and water flooded the earth. The merciful creator god mended the heavens and fixed the hole in the sky to save the world. After that, no one ever saw or  heard news of  him again.”

“Mo-er still doesn’t know where.”

“Niang also doesn’t know. But which god does not treasure his creation? Being the god’s the most loved, if Mo-er prays, he will listen, and protect you from harm. Come, Niang will teach you.  First, you must kneel, and say,  Great god...”

I do not have much time left. 

Please  watch over my son. 

That year, he was four. 

//

to be continued...

Chapter Text

(5 years ago)

“Shang Qinghua! Get back here!” 

“No!”

Wailing and shrieking,  hair askew and robes disheveled, his technical ability is practically identical to the highest paid actor in the year’s blockbuster xianxia show - who knew behind laozi’s ugly looks in his previous existence lay such prodigious talent, ah! This is really a case of wasted - 

Shang Qinghua, focus!

Looking down at the crowd below, then back at Mobei-jun, his large and menacing fists clenched and shaking from agitation, Qinghua cries yet more noisily, even shedding a few fake tears out. 

Laozi thought it out well - this scene, when viewed by onlookers,  is really quite dramatic! A disgraced cultivator of high status atop the highest roof in the city (it was necessary for the array to work), with a powerful demon right behind...Airplane has not lost his touch! 

When staging a play, a big audience is naturally best,  this is no different! His spectacle must be as public as possible, to let everyone know he’s dead!

Heavens,  Bing-ge is back too soon, luckily Cucumber-bro has acted fast to save his  little life, successfully averting his own crisis, as for Airplane juju,  who knows when the tainted lotus will seek retribution against the sect, or his handsome king’s wrath overflows and he  decides to  get rid of him?

As the saying goes, 先下手为强 (the first to strike has the advantage)! 

“SHANG QINGHUA! Come back!”

“I - I won’t! My sect has disowned me, I am a traitor, mistreated by humans and demons alike! Reviled by the world, my name is spit on,  what do I have left?! Today, I will accompany Shen shixiong!” 

Screaming a top level monologue, worthy of a B-class  villain, truly, he can consider changing fields from writing to acting ah!

At his wits’ end, looking like a man with no road left for him  to go, Mobei-jun thunders, right as Qinghua is about to do the deed. 

“You dare?”

Usually, the  peak lord of An Ding has no guts to defy an order, but since he is soon to be a dead man, might as well vent all the frustrations kept within this immortal body now, before he has no chance to in future - because Shang Qinghua will definitely, absolutely make sure to hide from his king, hide well, so they will never cross paths again!  

“What don’t I dare!”

He howls with the temerity of one unafraid to perish.

“I’ve endured you for very long, you pampered and spoiled young master, vile-tempered second-generation demon!

You saw my temperament was not bad, easy to deal with, cultivation also lacking, easy and satisfying to torment, right? You thought laozi was really this…this…ah?!”

Shocked into silence, Mobei-jun’s entire self starts to tremble, no doubt fuming from his subordinate’s public rant - my king is indeed quick to rage!

As if having consumed 熊心豹子胆 (the heart of a bear and the guts of a leopard), Shang Qinghua continues. 

“No one likes getting beat up every day, and no one would really run around giddily all day after getting beat up every day! I’m not actually a dog! Even with a dog, if you give it two kicks every day, with time it’ll also learn not to bother you anymore!”

“Do you want to die?!”

Of course! If not, why is laozi here?! 

The king is already  moving closer and reaching out, most likely wanting to throttle Qinghua himself for his audacity.

It is time for the grand finale! 

“My king, I really am leaving. After I leave, you absolutely will not be able to find me again, so don’t make a useless effort. So, my king, goodbye then.”

Farewell, my king! I wish you a good life, long and happy with a sweet wife!

...Ah, better not, let’s leave the sweet wives to Bing-ge.

“The peak lord of An Ding self destructed!”

.

.

.

.

.

WTF! 

Pain pain pain, it hurts, IT HURTS, who knew the process of self-destructing would be so painful ya!

Staggering back, Shang Qinghua nearly topples off the building, if not for the unexpected force of a  strong pair of arms  encircling  his waist.

The great king pulls him close to his firm, broad and sturdy chest, rocking the  limp figure now worse than an  ordinary human’s, with no spiritual power to speak of. (Reaping the good karma of his past existence, Airplane juju peeks a bit more.)

System! What plot twist is this?!

A noble and aloof face enters his line of sight, aiya, the pain must have muddled Qinghua’s  vision, in those  cold blue eyes  staring intensely  back at him, he seems to  see a hint  of water!

“Qinghua. Qinghua.”

My king, don’t look so distraught, like an emperor whose favorite concubine has left the world, this one guarantees you’ll find another administrator doubling up as a accountant for the northern desert if  you gave better employee benefits, ah! 

On his last breath, he gasps.

“Then, my king, take care.”

Stooping so low as to wipe the blood from his lowly servant’s  mouth  in rough,  desperate and  hurried strokes, like a child trying to fix an unsalvageable favorite plaything, Mobei-jun must really value his abacus skills! 

It’s just..

MA YA, my king, I’m dying here, could you be more gentle!!! 

Seeing the droplets rolling down those perfect, pale cheeks, he absolutely  cannot resist, immediately uttering through bloody lips before he loses his nerve.

This, could be considered a rather inappropriate resignation letter, ah!

“Seeing you, I was...very happy. Really - you’re...even...more...handsome...than I - imagined...” 

Chapter Text

“Seeing his shizun thus, the mighty war god, winner of a hundred out of a hundred battles, bare chest exposed with sweat dripping from his temple as he practiced martial forms, the young disciple...”

“Wept in his heart, despairing - ”

“MY KING!” 

Ma ya, 人吓人吓死人 (people scaring people, will scare people to death), you nearly gave this one a heart attack! 

This ability of ‘Mysterious Phantom: Come and Go Like a Shadow’, sounded like a good idea then, but now, with Mobei-jun’s icy breath against his exposed neck, reading his own trash writing, this...

My king! Of all the times, why did you pick this ‘auspicious’ moment to come in! 

“M-my king, what brings you here?”

Shang Qinghua sweetly smiles, like a good employee who has not been slacking off, not at all! 

“Grown cold.”

Frowning, the king points to his bowl of cold congee, wrinkling his high (perfect!!!) nose in distaste.

“Why are you eating cold food. This king can make you noodles.”

My beautiful second lead ah, to tell the truth, your noodles are...not comparable to even the most unhygienic roadside stall, but that is not the point! 

“My king! Don’t mind me, I’m just feeling a bit sentimental, haha, it’s a tradition, ah, an old festival from my hometown, we eat cold food on this day! This...it’s a little obscure, even Cu- Consort Shen would not know of.” 

Being a Shanxi native before he moved to the city, unlike that Peerless Cucumber, born and raised in a Tier 1 city, Airplane’s family - that is to say, before the divorce, his elderly grandparents, before they passed away - still commemorated 寒食节 (Cold Food Festival) each year, eating food not cooked by fire. 

Having resigned himself to never returning home, at least he could be filial and remember.  

“It’s called the Cold Food Festival, as the name says, you can only eat cold food. My king, actually, there’s a story behind this!” 

“Tell me.” 

Now, on most people, such an expression would be an obvious sign of disinterest. But on Mobei-jun, these wrinkled brows and glaring eyes are a clear indication that he is, indeed, attentively listening, like an obedient little disciple! 

Speaking of, lately, his demon king has developed a great interest in human customs, always demanding Shang Qinghua tell him this and that, why people wear red for weddings, what is a bride price, in return, sharing about demonic marriage rituals, come to think of it...this can be considered a cultural exchange, ah! 

“As my king wishes! Then...a long, long time ago, in the human realm, during the chaotic 春秋战国时代 (Spring and Autumn Period) of Chi- of the central plains, haha, did I say China? The land was split into multiple states. One of these was the state of Jin.

Now, the duke of Jin had many wives and naturally, many offspring. The court intrigue was really too much, scheming here and there...where was I? One of his wives established her son as the duke’s successor. A different son, Ji Chong-er, was wrongfully set up - a bit like you, my king, being cast out by Linguang-jun! 

He was framed for revolting against his father, and the prince had no choice but to flee for his life to his mother's family in the north. Only 15 of his men were loyal enough to follow him into exile. Among these men was Jie Zitui, a loyal follower who shared weal and woe with his prince.”

Stopping to take a short rest, Shang Qinghua discovers - how strange, Mobei-jun seems fully engrossed in his story, listening as if he was the most hardworking gaokao student in cram school! 

Weird. 

“My king, are you sure you want me to finish telling?”

“Continue.”

“On the road, Jie Zitui would entertain his prince with his poems and music. Not only that - once, passing through the territory of Wei, the exiles’ supplies were taken by bandits. Although soon starving to death himself, Jie Zitui prepared a hearty soup of meat and wild herbs for the prince to eat, so Ji Chong-er could survive, but did not eat himself.”

Tired of propping up his head with one arm, Mobei-jun switches to using the other. Time passes so fast, has it been...half a shichen already! My king, don’t you have pressing affairs to attend to?! 

“His devotion was so great he disregarded himself and put his prince first.” 

Aiya Mobei-jun, there’s no need to get so emotional, this one is merely recounting a simple folktale - what an unexpected reaction! 

The next part is rather disgusting, my king, please hang in there! This Shang Qinghua will not spare you with his storytelling! This one will exaggerate a bit, add some dialogue to make it fresh, but the events are the same, ah! 

“ “This is good soup.” 

The prince praised after eating, wanting another bowl. 

“The meat is fragrant, what animal is this?”

“My prince,” Jie Zitui confessed. 

“The meat in the soup was cut from my own thigh.”

Hearing that, the prince did not ask for more.” 

Of course, who would dare eat more! Even Mobei-jun, a fierce demon looks out-of-sorts at Jie Zitui’s 舍己为人 (literally ‘giving up oneself for others’) spirit...heavens, am I giving him ideas? 

My king! Please don’t eat me! 

“And then?”

My king, you still want to continue listening? 

“Years later, Jin Chong-er was able to become the duke of Jin. The new duke richly rewarded all those who had been loyal to him, however, he overlooked Jie Zitui. Feeling humiliated and slighted, Jie Zitui retired to the countryside with his mother where he could not be found.”

Face darkening, Mobei-jun’s fists begin to clench tightly, into a ball, no doubt recalling some unhappy memory. 

A mistake! Shang Qinghua has made a huge mistake! 

My king, cease your anger, this humble servant has no intention, is absolutely not implying that you do not appreciate your subordinates! 

“Then?” 

“L-l-later, the duke remembered Jie Zitui’s self-sacrifice and wished to bring him back to court. Ji Chong-er personally went to search for his courtier, wandering the forests and the ridges. However, he was unable to lure Jie Zitui to out of the mountain he was residing at. Then...really, the duke was quite foolish, ah, he impulsively decided to set fire to the mountain to force Jie Zitui to come out and return to his court. The fire raged for three days and three nights, and then - ”

“The duke found him, took him back to his palace, and made him his consort. Yes. It must be so.” 

Mobei-jun nods, deeply convinced by his own reasoning. 

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Slapping his thigh, Shang Qinghua wants to laugh till all his teeth fall out! Practically ludicrous, my king, you are a spoilt son! Reality is not a harem novel, things do not work this way ah! 

“My king, I didn’t know you had a sense of humor!” 

Qinghua loudly proclaims, slurping his congee.  

“Please, it’s not as if the duke’s follower was some peerless beauty, hahahaha, what a joke, 笑死宝宝 (I’m laughing to death)!”

“Then, what happened?”

Mobei-jun, slightly embarrassed, asks. 

“After the fire finished burning, the duke found Jie Zitui and his mother’s bodies - they had both burnt to death. 

The duke renamed the mountain after Jie Zitui, my childhood hometown was in the same region as that mountain, hahaha! 

In his sorrow and guilt, he prohibited the use of fire to make food for several days to commemorate his loyal subject, a memento of his neglect and a mark of distinction for a good man.” 

(In that moment, Mobei-jun was very glad he was not born a fire demon.) 

“That’s all, my king! Haha, my king is indeed strong, could you...release me, a little, this one is - let me get you a pillow, my king, surely that is more comfortable to hug! Ma ya, the sky is dark out, it’s late, my king, don’t you have to leav- ”

“I will sleep here tonight.”

//

“- and then, Cucumber-bro, when I was done telling, he stared at me as if his beloved wife had passed! My king really thinks I’m slacking off, ah, I haven’t been able to take one step out of his line of sight for a week!” 

Pulling out his elegant fan, Shen Qingqiu’s formidable gaze shows no mercy, those phoenix eyes sparkling in sadistic delight as he smacks down on poor Airplane’s shoulder.

“Pain! Cucumber-bro, PAIN!” 

“THINK! Sometimes, I wonder, what your brain is used for. Airplane, you really are...You told him the story of 寒食节! What did you expect?!”

“Bro! We eat every meal together, sleep in the same bed - heavens, we even bathe together, the servants are gossiping...”

“SERVES YOU RIGHT!” 

“On the bright side, the employee benefits are not bad, just...a bit excessive, my king just declared a Noodle Festival for the northern realm to commemorate the ascension ceremony incident, ah!”

Chapter Text

“Don’t do it.”

“I’m going to do it.” 

“Don’t - damn, stupid Airplane, when do you ever listen?! Have you beat your airplane too many times that you’re now unable to think rationally?”

Lying on his bed and eating his melon seeds, his most faithful reader still has the gall to say in the tone of a lofty immortal. No need to 装模作样 (put up an act), bro, as if you don’t lie in bed every day after school, reading (my) stallion novels and taking your pillar in hand!

Never mind, never mind, his bro truly has a tough mouth but a soft heart, your intentions are appreciated, my bro!

“Ai Cucumber-bro, I am so touched! This one knows you mean well, that you truly care for me after all!”

“You - GET OFF ME! Get off me now, covered in sweat and you haven’t even showered...”

“Cucumber-bro don’t insult me, I don’t smell that bad!”

“Be serious, won’t you? Reeking like this, where did you go? The gym?”

“Hahahaha, Cucumber-bro indeed knows me too well! Where else?”

“Since when did you start to exercise?”

“I was running...after my king!” 

“Besides that ice king, what else does your brain contain?”

“Masterpieces of literature, ah! Ah, ah Cucumber-bro, stop hitting, STOP - ”

“You...Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Look at that Mo Beijun, what does he lack? Riches, a handsome face and talent, he has them all - just like Luo Binghe. The only thing he doesn’t have is feelings.”

“Hahahaha, laozi is already this shameless, what’s the worst case scenario? Stop worrying, bro! At most, he’ll only reject me like my parents did!”

//

Like the plots of his chapters, Shang Qinghua has half of his flawless plan thought out, but improvises the other half on the spot. 

Approaching the human ice mountain in his basketball jersey, a cold water bottle in clenched in his large palm, Shang Qinghua feels...a little intimidated. 

Airplane, press on! 

Since it’s recess, the crowd of students is a bit thick, but thanks to Mo Beijun’s godly height, Qinghua has no trouble chasing after him at all!

Scurrying like a wretched rat, Airplane rushes forward, nearly stumbling over an untied shoelace as he taps that muscled, broad shoulder. 

Ah, that frosty expression, those cold blue pupils of his ideal man glaring intently at him, for once focusing only on Shang Qinghua, too cruel, he almost forgets his initial purpose entirely!

He shifts forward with the intention to bow, but intentions often do not match reality, thanks to a jinx named ‘shoelace’, Airplane ends up falling on the ground on his knees, clutching a golden thigh to steady himself. 

“M-M-Mo Beijun, please accept my confession!”

Without a single word, the basketball team vice-captain takes the letter coolly with one hand, opening the envelope to read his most heartfelt words. 

“To: Mo 宝贝 Baobei jun (note: the actual Bei of Mo Beijun uses the character 北)”

Ah, my king, this isn’t an exam, people are looking, there’s no need to read it out loud!

“You. Class D student. (note: if you’re using 甲乙丙丁, D in Chinese is 丁 Ding, though not the same Ding as An Ding 定)”

“Y-yes?”

“You used the wrong character.”

“I...I used...hahaha, it - it’s a pun!”

Mo Beijun laughs.

“My king, please accept (correct character is jie shou 接受) my love. You want me to receive you? (Qinghua used jie shou 接收, meaning to receive)”

“I - I haven’t been writing much, t-too, too used to typing...”

“I can see.”

(It’s not that Mo Beijun is speaking particularly loudly, it’s just...the whole canteen is speechless, of course every sentence can be heard clearly.) 

“I’m very useful, I can take care of you after games, serve you drinks, fill your water bottles, wash your jersey, fold  - Elementary school sentences. Indeed from Class D.” 

“M-m-my king, it’s not nice to discriminate...”

“Hahaha, is Mo Beijun an examiner or teacher? Still has to correct your essays...”

“ - with this level of language ability...practically  asking to be roasted...”

“Stop talking, stop talking, he’s already so pathetic, don’t 落井下石 (kick stones down a well) - ”

Mustering all his dignity like a defeated NPC, the great Airplane juju wipes his glasses on his school shirt, before wiping the snot off his nose. 

“Then I - I’m leaving. Seeing you this close, I was very happy. Really, you’re...even more handsome than I...imagined.” 

This time, while everyone is busy gossiping, you can barely hear anything, Mo Beijun shouts at the retreating back. 

“You dare?!”

To be honest, I don’t really have a goal in life, I just want to follow you for the rest of my life.

//

“What Mo Baobei jun, more like Mo 魔 Beijun! (note: Mo 魔 = demon, the Mo of Mo Beijun’s name uses 莫, as in desert) Cucumber-bro, I’m so angry, SO angry ahhh!”

Bashing his pillow with one hand - sorry, pillow-bro, you’ve done nothing wrong! - the other holds the phone shakily, quaking with anger and humiliation.  

This...this is too much! Rejection would be enough, does he have to crush a pure, devoted heart?!

Shang Qinghua is never liking icy male gods again!

If he had money he would sue for damages, Mo Beijun’s callous action has caused him to lose face, sleep and his daily income! His poor laptop is powered on and ready, but who has the mood to write?

“I’m fuming, really fuming, so angry that flames are coming out of my - ah! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Airplane! AIRPLANE! WTF...Are you okay?!”

//

“What happened?” 

“Electrical fire.”

Sighing glumly with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, Shang Qinghua truly resembles those tragic leads in Shen Yuan’s favorite ancient dramas ah, body in the abyss, bank account also in the abyss. 

Cursed! He must have been cursed, what else can explain the calamities befalling him one after the other?! 

Luckily, the fire didn’t spread to anyone else’s dorm, everyone is safe and sound, his little life was spared, it’s just that...

This Airplane will be homeless for at least three months, that’s all. 

“Hey. Are you okay?” 

“Mn.”

“You...Sleep here tonight. But my dorm is meant for just one person, the school policy doesn’t allow...it’s not a long term solution.”

“I understand.” 

“We can watch - ah, Binghe texted, he saw the firefighters and got worried - ”

“Binghe? LUO Binghe?!”

“D-don’t make a fuss, is there more than one Binghe in this school?”

“Bro! Ah, that’s right, Cucumber-bro is not a mere mortal. Wealthy, in the top class and...quite attractive, no wonder Luo Binghe would - fall for you!” 

“YOU!”

“I...What about me? Bring it on! Laozi isn’t scared!” 

“...Come to think of it, this time, Mo Beijun really saved your life. If you hadn’t been complaining to me about his cruel treatment, and typing a shitty chapter on that old laptop instead, sitting close to that overloaded power outlet, you could have landed in the hospital with severe burns. Mo Beijun can be counted as your benefactor, now you can offer yourself up to marry him to repay the debt!” 

“BRO!” 

//

“Hello? Ba? It’s Qinghua.”

“What is it? I don’t have time.” 

“I...I wanted to ask - could you...put me up for a while?”

“Aren’t you doing fine in school, why do you want to live here?” 

“Ah, my dorm is...being renovated - ”

“Don’t you have a mother?” 

“I - I’ll hang up now.”

“ - hua? Qinghua?”

“Yue-xuezhang! I - I didn’t hear you just now, sorry.”

“It’s alright, it’s alright. I didn’t want to disturb you, you seemed...busy. About the living arrangements, I’ve checked it out for you.” 

“Is there - ”

“All the dorms in this building are full. Thankfully, Mo Beijun paid for a two person dorm for himself at the start of the term for...personal reasons. He volunteered to share his dorm with Shang-xuedi after hearing about your, ah, unfortunate incident.”

Chapter Text

At the border.

Dusk. 

The streets are empty and devoid of people or animals, no acrobatic performances or night markets to be seen here, only a small teahouse leaking warm light, giving the town a bit of life. 

“Waiter!”

The venerable elder cries, placing a bit of silver on the table, not carelessly, as a rich young master does, but with the air of a shrewd merchant. 

“Coming, gongzi!” 

At the sight of the gleaming taels, who would not come? 

All those years of managing logistics has not taught him nothing, luckily he had thought to bury some gold taels with the plant bodies - ah, did he tell Cucumber-bro?!

Though the man’s beard is long, his face is young and hearty, a healthy color, full of qi - must be one of those cultivators again, Lu Liu remarks in his heart, who else would dare to come to this town?

Looking at his robes, neither too shabby or too ornate, with no jade token or embroidered crest, probably a rogue cultivator, or one from a less prominent sect.

At least this one has money to pay. 

“What does this venerable elder want to order?”

“Tea...and noodles!”

At the thought of noodles, he smiles, not immune to pleasures of the flesh. 

“Right away, right away!”

What prompt service, really impressive, laoxiong, why aren’t there more customers here? 

...

Come to think of it, looking at all the empty tables, this place is rather deserted, years ago, wasn’t it quite a bustling city?

Strange.

Ah, the smell of freshly pulled noodles is truly mouthwatering, he cannot wait...

Just when a pair of eager chopsticks pull out the fragrant, hot strands within the clay bowl, the nightwatcher’s gong makes an earthshaking noise louder than his stomach. 

“Demons! Demons have arrived!” 

The great Airplane juju lights a candle for his pitiful self. 

F**k,  couldn’t you have  waited until after laozi had a  good meal! 

//

“Mercy! MERCY!” 

With a blast of spiritual energy - this plant body is truly OP ah, as An Ding peak lord, his cultivation was already not bad, it can be said to fall within the top ten percent of his field, but the power of this new hardware is enough to rival Liu Qingge, perhaps even his king! - the bunch of troublemakers are easily subdued, lying on the ground, covered with injuries from head to foot. 

“Rascal! You dare interrupt laozi’s meal! I - didn’t - even - get - one - bite!”

“Daren, s-spare, spare me!”

He continues thrashing, taking their pleas as wind next to his ear. 

“Ha! What are you - a gang of Northern realm demons, inferior stock, laozi’s seen too many of your type to count! THOSE NOODLES WERE FRESH!”

“Many thanks, many thanks to this daren!”

Lu Liu hurries to bow. Thanks to the deities’ protection - first, that Peerless gongzi, now this esteemed cultivator - if this continues, the demons might soon stop coming to his humble shop, praise the heavens and the earth! 

“Benefactor, what is your noble name?”

Seated upon a demon’s back, one hand stroking his beard, the other slapping his thigh like a hooligan, the elder utters.

“Fei Ji (Airplane in Chinese, but it doesn’t sound out of the ordinary as a name without context either).” 

“Elder Fei, let this one prepare two more bowls for you at once!” 

Wa, is this what being a protagonist feels like? This, is pretty satisfying, Airplane juju’s life has finally begun! Farewell, tyrant demon bosses, messy sect politics! Begone, sullied reputation! I will be a roaming cultivator, wandering the world to  uphold justice, enjoying free meals and respect!

“Then...thank you for the trouble.”

“It is no trouble, no trouble, it is this Lu Liu’s honor to serve a great cultivator like Elder Fei. This one has seen many disciples and masters, but such an extraordinary display of power, I have only ever witnessed twice! Other than that Peerless gongzi, Elder Fei is - ”

“Ah, did this Peerless Huang Gua (Cucumber) also stop by?”

“Indeed, indeed he did! Does Elder Fei perhaps know of him?” 

“Hahahaha, he is none other than my esteemed shixiong! Speaking of this shixiong of mine, he might be extremely thin faced, very demanding, with a tendency to scold and berate, but everyone agrees he is an upstanding cultivator of the righteous path, ah!” 

“Forgive me, I have been remiss, Elder Fei’s tea has grown cold, let me brew a new - ”

“No need, no need! Tea is expensive, do not let it go to waste!” 

//

As the saying goes, 风水轮流转 (fortunes rise and fall), haha, Airplane’s time to steal the spotlight has come! 

Patting his belly and humming a happy tune, the great god Airplane walks out of the door with the aura of a fluttering immortal. 

...Maybe not a fluttering immortal, judging from the bloated, uneasy feeling in his stomach, he might have gone overboard - this one is very much attached to the mortal world!  

Time to take a rest, take a rest for a while...aiya, the supposed 中庸之道 (everything in moderation), the ancients had a point, the excess of food is making him sluggish and lightheaded, now, this Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky cannot even stand straight, let alone tell which direction is the sk- 

“Caught you!”

Ma ya, that, isn’t it the unmistakeable accent of the North? Looks like the demons he had encountered earlier had brought reinforcements ah! 

No matter, with laozi’s abundant power, this is a small...

“Great master, let’s see you run now! This White Face put medicine into your food and drink when nobody noticed, guaranteed to make a human sleep for many shichen!”  

Laoxiong, there’s no need to boast, your third rate villain speech is practically...straight out of a soap opera, this...cheap...trick...you...still...so proud...

“ - quick, the cables - ”

“...with the others...”

“...brimming with spiritual energy...”

“...the king will be glad to receive...”

Chapter Text

“Stop jostling - ”

“ - pushed me!”

“I did not!”

Blinking sleep-heavy eyes, Airplane juju tries to sit up - but, it seems, his body is still in airplane mode, unresponsive to the world! Glancing above, the view of the clear blue sky is not bad, except...

Please stop shaking, ah!

Having driven a countless number of carts in his first - no, his second - lifetime, Airplane’s first thought is to criticize this rotten chauffeur, really, does the demon realm not teach you these things! 

Driving is a basic life skill! 

Whoever heard of a road this bumpy? 

Atrocious! 

“Ah, this elder is awake.”

At least, disciples these days know their manners, unlike those Bai Zhan brats, they will be the death of him! 

The face peering down at him is small and round, rather youthful, judging from the red-edged training attire and age, he must be - 

“Hong Chen 红尘 sect inner disciple.” 

“Elder is truly astute!” 

“Don’t talk so much.”

“But...Shijie!” 

“Don’t bother.”

Aiya, this guniang, could you not be so cold? At least give laozi a hand! 

“For now, you will be unable to move all four limbs, not even a single finger. The effects of the demon poison should wear off after one to two days.” 

“A few months back, our Sect Leader was also similarly poisoned when captured! Then, this elder must be an exceptionally strong cultivator!”

Ah? Boy, you said your Sect Leader was also captured?! Shouldn’t you be a bit more filial, a bit more worried? 

“You must not be from here.” 

“Elder doesn’t need to worry, such occurrences are quite common, actually! Our Sect Leader has returned unharmed, as have the leaders from...five other sects, the twin daozhangs from...”

Enough! Enough! Such flagrant kidnappings in broad daylight, what has the world come to!

“Who is behind...” 

“These northern demons.” 

The scary shijie curses, spitting viciously onto the dirt path. 

“Without a ruler to govern them, they have the audacity to act as if there is no law and no heavens, stealing and robbing, thinking they can - ”

Wait. 

System! What is this? There has always been a Mobei-jun in Proud Immortal Demon Way, what is this plot deviation?! 

...Right, this body doesn’t come with that demanding AI preinstalled, freedom has its price! 

“Without a ruler? I-in the north, isn’t there a Mobei-jun?!”

“Ah, elder, about this Mobei-jun, have you not - ”

Young miss, don’t stare at me with such a disbelieving gaze, you make this laozi feel like a bumpkin ignorant of current affairs!  

“This guniang, I have been in secluded cultivation high up on Bailu mountain for a time and have just come down less than a week ago. Thus, I am afraid this venerable elder is a frog in a well, I must rely on you two good disciples to inform me of the happenings of the mortal world.”

“It’s a long story.”

Looking at the crimson immortal binding cables wrapping around his wrists, ankles, chest, waist, and thighs, he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

“I have time.”

//

“Elder, it is common knowledge, the northern demon realm is in disarray. The current Mobei-jun is soon to be on his last breath, his younger brother is just waiting to take advantage of a fire to commit robbery, yet before the king passes into the next world, he has no authority and cannot do anything. For years, the son has been managing the father’s territory, but since - ”

“Aiya, how has the situation come to this?! Did some harm befall my ki- I mean, that prince?”

“This...Elder, when exactly did you leave to cultivate in seclusion?”

“To tell the truth, xiaodi, I also cannot tell. When one is focused on achieving a breakthrough, time flows like river water. I only remember...ah, right. The year I left, who could forget, a peak lord from Cang Qiong mountain self destructed!”

Cucumber-bro, my good friend, did you know how much chaos you caused?! One Yue Zhangmen, one war god Liu, not to mention the protagonist Bing-ge, thankfully laozi followed you, if not, who else would be cleaning up after their mess, and the property damage!  

“Indeed, it was precisely that incident that threw the cultivation world into an uproar, and caused the demon to lose his soul entirely.”

“Ah? What does the Qing Jing peak lord have to do with Mobei-jun?” 

“Qing Jing? What nonsense are you saying?!”

“Shijie - Elder, begging you to forgive my shijie’s impudence, she bears no ill will...”

“No matter, no matter! This elder is confused...self destruction...are you not referring to Master Shen at Huayue City?”

“Elder...you seem to be mistaken. We are talking about the An Ding peak lord, that despicable scum Shang Qinghua, not Qing Jing’s Shen Qingqiu.”

Despicable?

Scum?!

Laozi is cannon fodder at best, why am I the scum villain now?

SYSTEM!!!

“Ptui! As if colluding with demons was not enough, since his self destruction five years ago, everything has been going wrong. Merely one season later, goods from the Cang Qiong region were unable to be shipped, similarly, no goods could also enter the mountain sect, from swords to cultivation manuals - ”

“Cang...Qiong? The sect is still left standing?”

According to the original novel, wasn’t Bing-ge supposed to have razed the twelve peaks to the ground long ago? Then...how... 

“Ah, elder, your tongue is too vile! Though the sect has fallen in repute, Cang Qiong mountain sect remains among the great sects of the land. But, the trade routes from sect to sect have been destroyed, leaving the great sects, and our own humble sect impoverished. In this one’s view, it’s no coincidence - of course, anybody with eyes can see, it’s definitely a supernatural calamity! Elder, don’t you agree?”

“...”

“Shidi. Don’t gossip.”

“Shijie, no need to be scared! Let me tell you, the Huan Hua cultivators say, this Shang Qinghua, having been forced to a violent death, his malevolent spirit placed a terrible curse on his old sect, causing endless catastrophe! I heard, in Cang Qiong, there is no metal for swords to be forged, no paper for talismans to ward off evil, the wheels of horsecarts and carriages fall off mysteriously, even the powerful Xuan Su sword cannot sleep at night! His vengeful presence is so formidable that it cannot be dispelled, the whole mountain is afraid of him, they don’t even allow other people to gossip about something resolute and final like Shang Qinghua’s defection.

“...”

This...

Little boy, didn’t your shifu teach you not to lie? If the wheel of a cart falls off without warning, that is  poor maintenance, not a haunting! 

What's more, having spoken for half a day, we  still haven’t come to the most important matter - which is my king!  

“It’s true! I saw a disciple of An Ding recently - practically the same as a living ghost!” 

Chapter Text

“Ah, elder, I have offended you, where are my manners?”

Facing Shang Qinghua - no, Airplane, this laozi can be counted as having been reincarnated into a new existence - the lad utters with a repentant heart, bowing his head in shame. 

Well done, xiaodi! 

As the saying goes, 知错能改 善莫大焉 (to know one’s mistakes and change, averting great disaster), having self-awareness is good! 

Slandering someone so audaciously, what are the sects teaching the next generation these days! 

In life, he was already roasted for being mediocre, after death, who would have thought he’d become a BOSS level villain, ah!  

“Having traveled together for so long, I have not even asked for this elder’s illustrious name!” 

“Ah...that...this one goes by Fei Ji.”

“Meeting Elder Fei, is this Chen Xiao’s blessing!”

What nonsense, xiaozi, weren’t you cursing my name just a few seconds ago? 

“Elder, which sect might you be from?”  

“Haha, what sect, do you know how troublesome to take care of a sect?! Laozi is a freelancer - I mean, a wandering cultivator!”

“A wandering cultivator. No wonder you were easily captured.” 

This miss, could you be a little less harsh, give me some face? Although, she does have a point...

“Shijie, how can you say that? This esteemed elder surely fought righteously and could not anticipate their demonic dirty tricks and vile schemes, clearly, the blame lies with the wretched, conniving underlings eager to curry favor with the northern desert’s prince!”

Ah?

Currying favor?

What is this?! 

Since when did my king bother with human cultivators?!

The Mobei-jun of Proud Immortal Demon Way was known for loathing humankind, we don’t even need to speak of  cultivators,  his king is no different, always hitting and smacking Shang Qinghua around since he was seventeen...

Before, my king’s  only human, was ME! 

“Look, the elder must be disgusted by the perverse happenings of the world.”

“Wha-what does he need all these cultivators for?!”

“That...we must start from the death of the peak lord.”

//

“Shizun said, that day, his sworn brother’s shixiong’s Shifu’s disciple was there, and witnessed everything. That Shang Qinghua was truly agitated, ranting and shouting like he’d been wronged!

Catching the traitor as he fell, after hearing him speak a few words before his qi extinguished, the Mobei heir acted as if he lost his soul. 

Pushing the strands of the scum’s unbound hair away from his temple - Shijie, that An Ding peak lord really must be a calamitous beauty, don’t you think, if not, why would the prince lust after him so - he gathered the cold and lifeless body tenderly in his arms and disappeared into the shadows.”

Xiaodi, are you sure?

Like this, you might as well change your occupation, don’t need to be a disciple, danmei novelist suits you better!  

“The story goes, with no road left to go, when the demon prince went to Cang Qiong, having humbled himself to beg for help, Sect Leader Yue, in his righteousness, refused to acknowledge the vicious white eyed wolf who betrayed his own people, would not even arrange for him the proper funeral rites!” 

Wolf?! 

Laoxiong, you are overestimating me, this Hua-di, at most, is only a rat!

Also, Zhangmen-shixiong, aren’t you being rather callous, all those years, have you forgotten, who slogged like a cow and a horse for our mountain sect!

“In my opinion, from this incident, the difference between a virtuous and a wicked man can be discerned. You see, both peak lords were similarly tempting of appearance, yet Peak Lord Shen, having refused the improper advances of that unfilial Luo Binghe, still has his martial siblings defending his honor after leaving this earth, whereas that Shang Qinghua, really a beauty that is the source of disaster (红颜祸水), only a demon wants to hang on to his corpse!” 

WHAT DID YOU SAY? If you have guts, repeat it one more time to laozi!!!

“Aiya, where was I? Hearing this, the Mobei heir, upon returning to his fortress, angrily stripped off the peak lord’s crown and clothes, replacing his garments with...” 

“With?”

“Our Sect Leader, who touched the corpse with his own hands, saw that the An Ding attire had been replaced with...the jewels and robes of a royal consort!” 

Speechless!

WTF , who spun this work of fiction, isn’t this practically trash?! 

This feeling of extreme indignation, don’t tell me, is this what Peerless Cucumber felt every night in his first life?

Cucumber-bro, I sincerely repent! 

“Elder, elder, are you alright?! You’re coughing blood!”

“...fine...carry - on...”

“Then...if Elder Fei is sure he’s fine...shortly after, Mu Qingfang of Qian Cao peak was mysteriously abducted.” 

//

“Why has Junshang  brought me here?” 

“Heal him.”

“Like Shen-shixiong,  Shang...shixiong has already self-destructed and died in front of everyone’s eyes. His spiritual power is gone. What’s done is done. I have no method to bring people back to life.”

“...Take a look.”

“As I have said before to a different person,  forceful transfusions of  spiritual power into the body daily  has absolutely no effect. Junshang may not know this, but it consumes huge amounts of spiritual power  to stop the body from decaying, even then, only just barely.  And if you stop for only one day, all the previous effort will amount to nothing.”

“You will heal him.” 

“If I may be blunt...in the case of Shen-shixiong, he died trying to save the life of another, his soul has already passed into the next world. As for Peak Lord Shang...when one chooses to self-destruct voluntarily, Junshang must know the soul has shattered, and cannot be reincarnated...”

//

“So the matter was concluded, and Mu Qingfang also returned to Cang Qiong unharmed.

Driven to despair, the demon’s hair turned white overnight.”

Eh?

Airplane is 100% sure, that was definitely not in his story ah! 

Though his king with snow-colored hair would indeed be quite - no, extraordinarily! - handsome, charming as a pop idol or a manga character...

Back to the point! 

“I understand now.”

So, it was like this! 

In every lie is half a bit of truth, premature greying obviously is a sign of stress, poor Mobei-jun, having to resort to taking up logistics on his own, of course is desperately trying to revive Shang Qinghua because nobody else is competent enough!  

My king, your subordinates are really...too incapable, ah!  

“What an intelligent person Elder Fei is! As Elder must already have guessed, unlike Luo Binghe, who was trained in a cultivation sect, the prince’s demonic qi cannot replace human spiritual energy. Unable to restore that traitor’s body on his own, the demon relies on human cultivators following the righteous path.

Now, you tell me, which righteous cultivator would willingly enter a demon’s lair? Since he cannot recruit, he resorts to kidnapping - ” 

“Be quiet, we’re almost here.”

F**k, the sky does look familiar, this time, the Great God Airplane is done for! 

Ma ya, by ‘here’, no one told him it meant the northern desert! 

If he could move, Airplane would be shivering violently by now. 

“Elder Fei, do not fear! This Chen Xiao will protect you with my life! Besides, to tell the truth, the Mobei prince is not inhumane, if he treated the cultivators violently, who would dare to continue to the transfusions each night, for five years at that?”

“Sect Leader said, once your energy is spent, you are free to leave unscathed, taking some gold and silver with you, in reasonable amounts. It’s not a bad deal, some spiritual power for treasure.”

That may be true for you, ah! But! Though we both are people, we have different fates (同人不同命)! 

Being a fool, as well as a hack author lacking in creativity (Airplane juju is modest enough to admit he lacks creativity ah, who wants to go back to the mortal body of that ugly slob, totally a nerdy shut-in?! In this universe, if Shang Qinghua’s peak lord visage was average, wouldn’t his original appearance be worse than a monster? This laozi does not have many tricks, only knows how to copy and paste thousands of words!) it’s safe to say he had modeled this current body, if not 90 percent, at least 80 percent similar to the previous one. 

It’s not his fault!

Back then, his initial reasoning was: this forgettable face, not as if anyone would remember...unless they bore a deep grudge, then - 

“Shijie, look! The ice stronghold!” 

F**K! 

Turn back! 

TURN BACK NOW! 

Chapter Text

Watching the doors laid from ice blocks rumble open, and then close, Airplane truly feels like a trapped rat - there is no escape for laozi now!

Having regained motion in his four limbs, he immediately starts shaking, shaking and shaking (f**k, it’s freezing!) when pushed down the deep and long flight of stairs by impatient demon hands.

My king, you really are not afraid to pay the A.C. bill, this place is cold enough to  preserve bodies! 

Ah, if only he had some spiritual power to warm up, at this rate, Airplane juju is going to harden into a popsicle soon! 

...Wait.

Inside the ice fortress, there is an aura of death everywhere, even the servants walk about listlessly, not daring to let out a sound.

Speaking of servants, isn’t the king very spoilt, a second generation young heir - where is everyone?! Only a few guards and demon maids milling about...

What happened to his carefully laid logistics?! Where are all the staff, don’t tell me Shang Qinghua’s organizational structure has been utterly destroyed...

What a tragedy!!! 

“You!”

A flying smack interrupts his mourning.

Demons indeed don’t hold back, although when compared to his king, this blow is nothing! 

“Elder Fei! You brute - ”

Xiaodi, I am touched! Actually, you, don’t need to worry, laozi has suffered worse! 

“Rascal! Shut up!”

“Get moving!”

//

“Hen, striking an elder like that, aren’t these beasts afraid of heaven’s revenge?!”

“Ssh. They can hear.”

Boy, listen to your shijie! 

Laozi doesn’t mean to brag, but in my many years of experience as a spy, in such  situations, isn’t it  better to be quiet and  observe than to speak nonsense? 

The guards standing by the entrance of the large room look quite idle, not to mention disgruntled to babysit a bunch of ten over cultivators wrapped in string like dumplings, yet cannot be eaten - if they wanted to do anything, they would have done it by now, clearly, these subordinates are obeying instructions! 

Being unable to eat or sleep, what else can they do but gossip? 

“...later, when he enters, quickly run.”

“ - Black Wolf from downstairs says, the king’s body hasn’t been touched since yesterday - ”

“The prince has really lost his mind, spending more time looking after that human’s body than his father’s...”

WTF? 

His dad died? 

Two lifetimes ago, the Great God Airplane had planned, after the monarch of each generation of the Mobei Clan had died, they would pass their accomplished martial body down to their successor in the next generation. This was an extremely crucial juncture. But, in the storyline of his original work, it wasn’t supposed to happen so early, ma ya! 

Unless...

Seizing Mobei’s moment of weakness without his capable assistant Qinghua, his uncle did something behind the scenes, who knows, a slow-acting poison in food, otherwise, an untoward accident...this sort of despicable action, is exactly the style of Linguang-jun! 

Even though Shang Qinghua is also not the most upstanding character (salted! flatcakes!), just thinking about this unsavory man makes him angry, so angry, he could - 

Ah?

These...these bindings...

Unfair! 

This body  is really too OP ah! 

//

Chen Xiao writhes fruitlessly against the restraints, while muttering curses against the demon kind. 

Shijie has already given up, waiting indifferently in the cold. 

Next to her, the strange elder laughs, then violently stomps on the floor.

In that moment, the air filled with the sound of snapping strings.

...they burst.

The immortal binding cables were actually filled to bursting by the venerable elder’s spiritual energy!

This, is truly the first time this disciple has seen someone who use sheer spiritual energy to simply burst his way through! 

Ha, even the demons guarding, scared by the sight, have taken off running. 

What a simple and brutal method of freeing oneself!

Praise! Nothing but praise! 

...Aiya, these old bones are too troublesome, after expending some effort, his waist aches and his back hurts! 

Airplane does a little stretch. Morning exercise!

Being free is satisfying, let’s rub this sore waist and scratch this chilly nose! 

“Elder! Elder Fei!” 

“Esteemed cultivator!”

“Cultivator friend!”

Right, right, there is still that lad Chen Xiao, his shijie, and...

There is no other way.

In this aspect, the jianghu is similar to the modern world, ah, despite not having the internet, once your reputation has taken serious damage, it is in tatters forever! (Especially for immortals like him!) 

What choice does he have, for Elder Fei Ji to keep his good name and not suffer the fate of the poor An Ding peak lord, he cannot stand by without saving, can only release the people present! 

Pulling and tugging at the dozens of cables and watching them break into hundreds of pieces, Airplane cannot resist sighing in despair. 

For him, bumping into Mobei-jun would be disaster, but for every other cultivator - isn’t this a money making opportunity bestowed by the god of wealth?

A pity, cultivators are not entrepreneurial, to them, associating with demons is...

No, no, ten thousand times no! Let’s not talk about helping them, or rendering your services...

As the Hong Chen sect shijie said, it is not a bad deal, only, unless one was forced to, nobody would take it up, this is a matter of principle.

“Many thanks to elder for saving us today! This favor, I will repay - ”

Ya ya ya, xiaozi, why are you bowing, with clenched fists, too! Laozi is no wuxia hero, ah!

“Quickly go!” 

“Elder, what about you?”

“I can take care of myself!”

Chapter Text

If you want to blame, blame it on his lingering affection to his perfect icy male god (any person with eyes can tell, the affair of his father’s early demise is not simple!), or merely a sense of curiosity (those farfetched rumors regarding their master-servant relationship are practically the plot of a heart-rending danmei, more exciting than Proud Immortal Demon Way), BUT!

Airplane must get to the bottom of this, if not, this title of An Ding peak lord would be called in vain! 

Fortunately this pillar of his king’s is thick and sturdy (not that pillar! not THAT pillar!), before as much as a shadow comes, he sneaks out to the great hall in front of the royal sleeping chambers, shimmies up the giant pillar that can be circled by three people, into the ceiling beams, then silently sits down in a chosen spot with good fengshui (that is to say, somewhere laozi definitely will not be seen by anyone, ah!). 

After many shichen, he also doesn’t know how many, Airplane juju is awoken from his nap (ma ya, did he drool on the priceless furniture?!) by a sudden chill. 

“Junshang.”

“Junshang.”

My king ah, long time no see! 

(A pity, in this auspicious location of his, while he definitely can’t be seen by other people here, he also can’t see them!)

“Junshang, here are the cultivators prepared for the next fortnight. The previous ones have left at dawn according to Junshang’s instructions.”

What cultivators? Laoxiong, the pigeons you’ve captured have flown away hours ago! 

“Leave.”

Pa-ta pa-ta, big feet against the cold floor...

Running faster than Usain Bolt, this proves that demon servants’ self-preservation instincts are first class!

This, laozi also cannot blame you, if  you all had stayed a minute more, those thick heads would be rolling on the ground! 

Wa, my king, your subordinates truly are incompetent - everyone knows, you don’t get rid of the previous batch until you have checked thoroughly, again and again, that the next batch of goods are in your hands! 

This is a matter of principle ah! A mistake waiting to happen!!!

If he was there...

Focus, Airplane, FOCUS! 

Pushing open the door, Mobei-jun enters the cultivators’ holding room. 

Now, Mobei-jun is not a fool, upon seeing the mess of broken cables, he would soon discover, there is no one! 

Having served his king for over half his life, Qinghua can predict, his king would first rummage and search the entire place, not believing the sight before his own two eyes, turning the chamber upside down.

Judging from the sounds of smashing, both urgent and frantic, he truly knows his king well. 

Next, once his humiliation turns to rage (during those scenes, the king’s favorite punching bag is none other than Shang Qinghua!), Mobei-jun is bound to be flaring with anger, consequently destroying everything on sight. 

But, there is no thunderous noise, only silence for very, very long. 

//

After a while - enough time for Airplane to berate himself for not packing a qiankun pouch with at least two catties of melon seeds - the king’s steps can be heard, as an oppressive cold air descends upon the hall.  

Mobei-jun really is  a man of few words! After half a day spent listening, still  can’t gain anything, there’s no choice but to resort to...

Gritting his chattering teeth, and braving the possibility of being discovered by an OP demon and getting a knife to the forehead as a present, Airplane juju sticks out his head.

Ma ya!

Heavens, my king, I never knew you were under so much pressure! 

The years do not spare anyone, what a transformation, from Snow White to Elsa! The river of ink-black silky hair, turned white as snow...but, he remains handsome as ever, my king, let me take you to the twenty-first century to make you a star! 

Although...looking left and right, he feels, something about the protagonist’s right-hand man seems a bit different, what exactly, he can’t tell, but the self-assured tyrannical aura Mobei-jun had all along seems to have diminished somehow. 

Ah ah ah! He’s going into the sleeping chambers of his late father! 

Behind the curtains of the gilded bed, lies the father Mobei-jun probably had only met a few times since his birth - his body, that is.

The golden martial body of the former Mobei-jun, his ticket to the dragon throne, the lump sum of inheritance his king has been waiting for.

A rich young master is a rich young master, to this massive fortune, his king pays no attention, instead gently lifting another motionless body lying on the carved 贵妃榻 (literally translated as ‘concubine’s couch/daybed’, a piece of furniture that has existed since the Tang dynasty) nearby like a K-drama lead, pressing that person’s face into his broad shoulder. 

MY KING!!! 

Since when have you been interested in - 

WTF.

WTF.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That, is no beauty!!! 

Beauty, where is the beauty?! 

The body he is tenderly carrying...

A familiar hollow shell, with no spiritual power left, stature not considered particularly tall, appearance, totally ordinary, yet unmistakably wearing the furs and jewels of the north. 

F**k f**k f**k, just that cape alone, is worth the equivalent of a decade of this peak lord’s monthly allowance!!!

My king! Please be careful, extremely careful, these  clothes, if they get damaged,  even after slogging for the entirety of my immortal third life, I cannot pay you back! 

Wait, wait, wait. 

Obviously, the paltry An Ding peak lord had not died in this attire, moreover, the corpse is unharmed and intact, definitely has not been attended to by those rough demon attendants, meaning...

Could it be that...

His king had stripped and dressed him? 

F**k!!! Has my king seen my...little airplane?! 

Chapter Text

Fortunately, his king’s attention is fully  concentrated on that cold corpse, thus, Mobei-jun entirely fails to notice the shocked face upstairs. 

Holding the body this way, no wonder people would think crookedly! Look, those icy fingertips stroking the hair that has not grown in five years, straightening the expensive fabric like a child playing with a precious doll...in the process, those hands inevitably brush his shoulder, the nape of that unmoving neck...

The great Airplane juju slaps a palm to his forehead.

Isn’t this reminiscent of that scene in all the period dramas, the emperor embracing his beloved concubine’s dead body?! 

F**k! To play such a role, laozi is not qualified!

Catching sight of such a image, one really would feel there is something indecent going on. Though the king is not doing anything improper, rumors would still spread, spread until even jumping into the Yellow River would not wash his reputation clean! 

Aiya, my king, this servant knows you are under a lot of pressure, being unqualified to handle my work, but there’s no need to use this one as a stress ball!

Although, thinking about it, Mobei-jun’s touch can be considered as ‘merciful’, not forceful or rough in the least, nothing like the slaps and beatings his previous flesh vessel had endured! 

My king, you’ve truly changed! 

A large palm moves down to carefully pick up Shang Qinghua’s right wrist (finally at rest after decades of labor) shaking, shaking and shaking like a nervous student writing his exam script. His bright blue eyes stare straight ahead at the wall, exactly the same as a high school kid deciding between Option A or Option B in a multiple choice test.

His king, must have realized by now. 

Being a logistics master, Airplane can, of course, discern the current problem faced.

Right now, Mobei-jun can be said to be stuck between a rock and a hard place, left and right are both unviable choices. 

Doing nothing, after a while, the body will naturally decompose.

But, to do something, is also not easy.

His king definitely knows in his heart, he cannot leave. Why? 

You see, the demise of his father really came at an inopportune time, to guess that his king has his guard up against Linguang-jun, is practically stating the obvious. 

Firstly, at soon as he were to teleport out to grab some cultivators, this little uncle full of tricks, unable to digest his brother’s martial body himself due to the succession laws, would without a doubt strike right at his weak point, grab Qinghua’s corpse to use as a bargaining chip or worse, destroy it to spite his nephew.

Considering the possibility of his king bringing the dead body along as he walked through the shadows, that won’t work either. A demon carrying a human corpse is bound to attract unsavory attention, currently, the demon and human realms are in total disarray - even with Mobei-jun’s formidable powers, the flesh vessel devoid of spiritual power is fragile and dead weight, there’s no guarantee they can both return intact. 

Most importantly, according to the Mobei clan rules, during this critical juncture, the heir is supposed to keep a vigil and wait - leaving the ice fortress at will is absolutely forbidden. 

The final key point is: to snatch up enough cultivators to obtain the enormous amount of qi necessary will take days, which is why his king had the cultivators delivered to his doorstep like takeaway weeks in advance, but the corpse...

Will start to expire within a day. 

My king ah, to put matters plainly, this one is just your dog,  then you... why bother? 

//

Originally, merely taking a peek, curious to see what has been going on, he suddenly finds that...he really, cannot look away. 

“Junshang...”

“Get out.”

“ - the ascension ceremony...”

“GET OUT!”

Shang Qinghua watches, for a full five days, without eating or sleeping, the mighty Mobei-jun, hugging the body to his chest as the skin blisters, turning green and gradually red, stiffening with rigor mortis, even emitting a foul smell (he feels a bit ashamed, after all, it’s still his body, this is worse than letting out a fart in a crowded room). 

This prince, his prince charming, is a bit spoilt, very stubborn, what he likes, he will hold on to for a very, very long time, clutching it in his palm tightly, refusing to let go. 

That moment, a sight that none would have expected...isn’t this exactly what he wrote in the novel? 

After five days, understanding that the situation is hopeless, the four year old child shut up in Huan Hua Palace’s  Water Prison, absolutely terrified and powerless to do anything, rocking back and forth to comfort himself while crying, only this time, he isn’t crying for his little uncle, but - 

“Qinghua...Qinghua...”

Chapter Text

Seeing this situation, his heart really is a bit sour, his conscience, also...

Even though my king is already a adult, this, why does it feel a bit like bullying a helpless child? 

“Yo, what’s this?”

At the sound of that tittering laughter, Airplane instantly freezes, pulling his head back instinctively before again peeking out. 

Look, those peach blossom eyes, that soft but treacherous face, who else can it be? 

After the seven days of observance (although, the one his king was observing was the wrong body ah) that pest, that calamity, that god of misfortune finally makes his appearance.  

This uninvited guest, is none other than Mobei-Jun’s uncle, Linguang-Jun!

“My brother has raised an unfilial son.”

His mocking tone, truly...kicking stones down a well! You, you, you black-hearted scum, aren’t you afraid of being struck down by heavenly thunder?! 

I can’t, absolutely can’t swallow this injustice!

“Could it be that my nephew spends more time mourning a paltry human than his father’s body?”

Staring down at the stinking and rotten - let’s not mention it, we shall not bring back painful memories of the old days, being laughed at in university because laozi had no money to pay his utility bills - his king remains still as an ice block, only the crease between his straight eyebrows reveals the turmoil within. 

My king, why are you not replying ah, at least, pick yourself up and make a move! If not...

“As your uncle, let me give you some advice. Mobei, you have to hurry. If you don’t start now you’ll miss the opportunity. There won’t be a chance to salvage...aiya, my little nephew has grown big, isn’t listening to uncle’s words now. Ah, right, looking at the body you hold in your arms, you probably know this better than I do.”

Speaking for so long, yet only with that last line did he manage to elicit a response from Mobei-jun.

“Mobei, do you hear? I really sympathize with you, you’ll always have the fate of being abandoned and alone. Crying like this, how can you command the Mobei Clan? If we really let you succeed, with your disposition, wouldn’t our clan be constantly on the edge of collapse? You should heed your uncle. You should go.”

F**k, this plotline has begun!

Protagonist, where’s our house’s mighty protagonist?! 

Alone and down an invincible Bing-ge, in his place, an ass-useless Hua-di, Mobei-jun’s dilemma is clear. 

If he doesn’t begin immediately, the martial body would naturally dissipate, equivalent to an inheritance of a lump sum of money drifting away in the wind. 

Yet! If he begins immediately, this ferocious tiger Linguang-jun, harboring ill intentions, will definitely devour - 

In short, due to the lack of Luo Binghe, Mobei-jun, in this scenario, has no room to advance or retreat.

His king finally lets out a cold laugh.

(Like those days in the past, trapped in the human realm, since there is no one to defend him, he must stand up and fight for himself.)

My king, this servant is no Ice Brother, but your faithful Hua-di will not let you suffer by yourself! 

I’m coming, my king!

I’m coming!

//

In that instant, three things happened. 

Just when a ball of blue light flies out to cover the future northern demon lord, Linguang-jun strikes. 

Mobei-jun, fortunately, having long been on his guard, single-handedly catches this treacherous strike. (But, a man in grief, is also easily distracted, because of that second’s hesitation in releasing Shang Qinghua’s corpse, inadvertently let a wisp of demonic energy slide into his palm.) 

And lastly, before Linguang-jun can rejoice over the silver of foreign demonic energy darting about and wreaking havoc inside, a person suddenly leaps out, dropping from the sky!

Chapter Text

“THIRD RATE VILLAIN, GO TO HELL!”

Startled by the sudden appearance of this Chen Yaojin halfway through (reference to a Chinese idiom: 半路杀出个程咬金), Linguang-jun retreats a step. Though his gaze betrayed his inner thought of “who the f**k is this”, Mobei-jun’s little uncle hadn’t lost his cool, this, laozi salutes you! 

“Mobei, so you’re not dumb, my dear nephew brought reinforcements after all. But, bringing a pathetic human, what use is there?”

These words spill from his stinky mouth, spread wide in a smile showing grim and pale teeth - especially suited to biting raw meat, f**k!

“And who is this? Little nephew, didn’t your father tell you, 家丑不可外扬 (do not air family grievances in public), bringing a outsider to a family matter, aren’t you ashamed?” 

Stupid Airplane, who told you to be a busybody, I really don’t know which is softer, your  knees or your heart!  

Stroking his beard and affecting a righteous air, Airplane juju has no choice but to resort to what he does best - buy time! 

“You, you you you you false gentleman, audacious enough to go so far as to harm your own blood, today, this righteous cultivator passing by, 路见不平 (seeing injustice along the road) 替天行道 (will uphold the path on behalf of heaven)!”

Fortunately, this cannon fodder’s features are extremely forgettable, even shrewd Linguang-jun hasn’t recognized, as for the Mobei-jun behind Airplane’s back...

Thanks to the vicious demonic energy his uncle had slapped into that perfect, flawless body, darting about in his limbs and bones and causing trouble, his king had fallen on one knee, that cold countenance finally showing some expression, his complexion alternating between green and white, who can spare the effort to give an extra glance at this stranger ya! 

By the deities’ blessing, laozi  still has an escape route! 

“Oh. A righteous cultivator, idle enough to be meddling in demonic affairs?” 

F**K!

Deep in his rumination, how could he have forgotten the presence of this troublesome relative, Linguang-jun?! 

“But, us demons are very heavy-handed, if caught in the crossfire, can you withstand?” 

“Scum, worry about your- ”

Before finishing the sentence, Linguang-jun’s “heavy” hands already reach out to strike, not using demonic energy, but relying entirely on physical strength to attack!

Ma ya, pain! PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN, this kind of pain is worse than self-destructing!

What bad luck, laozi is unemployed, yet still must suffer these damages for the  former boss’s sake...

INSURANCE!!!

Where’s my health insurance, my king! 

With no sword to speak of, this one must rely solely on spiritual power now - as the saying goes, 靠人不如靠己 (better to depend on oneself than on others), so, gathering up as much qi as he can, the cool-as-Ultraman Airplane strikes!

Not bad, not bad, just this one blow, can hold off a royal from the Mobei line - old uncle, you’d better listen to Sun Zi’s words, underestimating your foe is a crucial mistake! 

Face darkening at the unexpected capability of his opponent, Linguang-jun stops playing around, he launches a real attack this time, of course, not lacking in demonic energy. 

My king, I truly must offer my gratitude to you, if not for the quick reflexes laozi honed from dodging your hits all these years, I would definitely be dead  by now! 

This uncle is indeed merciless, clearly not in the habit of giving people chances, such an enemy is more suited to the winner of a hundred battles, Liu juju, not An Ding’s office worker Shang Qinghua! 

But (it’s not that I don’t want to be humble) although this one is not the protagonist with a golden halo, or a deadly white lotus Shen, also not a mighty war god Liu or a resume-full-of-achievements Yue, this player has some advantages too! 

Look! Look at this OP plant flesh, able to recharge and recharge instantaneously, what a perfect portable batt- no, spiritual energy charger, practically a weapon on the level of Xuan Su! 

A pity it is wasted on this scroll carrying nerd, who spent more time balancing accounts than properly training...

All in all, power is power, both sides have plenty, the difference is: one, has a well of constantly replenishing qi, yet is an unskilled blacksmith with a heaven-given tool, the other, not lacking in demonic energy, has a entire arsenal of dirty tricks honed over decades, guess who will win? 

Of course, whoever gets tired first! 

F**k, in middle school, what Airplane hated the most was endurance races, maintaining a draw already requires the effort of nine cows and two tigers (九牛二虎之力), my king, can’t you digest faster?! 

In actual fact, this author himself, also doesn’t know how soon Mobei-jun will be able to suppress that bit of demonic energy - this was not in his novel ah!!!

Laozi, has never been a person who isn’t cognizant of his own limits, these meant to be fatal blows in rapid succession, he can’t fend off forever, if Mobei-jun doesn’t buck up, within a shichen, they will both be doomed!

The Linguang-jun in front of him, rapidly losing patience, hums in a cheerful yet malicious tone. 

“This, I am very curious, where did my dear nephew find such a hardy human?” 

“Actually, I’m not hardy, it is you who is incompetent!” 

Enraged, the usurper yells, hauling up one of his arms decisively. 

“See if I don’t kill you today!” 

In that moment where death is coming, who cares so much anymore, panting, Airplane cannot control his tongue, instinctively spitting out in a cowardly voice these few lines, about as useful as injecting chicken blood.

“God, my king, did you hear, he wants to kill me, your uncle wants to kill me! You have to digest faster, I really don’t know how long I can last!”

Chapter Text

Hearing the pathetic scream, Linguang-jun grins fiercely, that one smile of his more terrifying than the king of hell. 

“En, not bad. It’s a pity, it’s still not miserable enough. I’ll help you out.”

No need, no need, laozi doesn’t need your help!

What the demon says, he really does, activating an ice spell, this...little uncle is...honestly...too ruthless...

C-c-c-c-cold...

Using his remaining strength, Shang Qinghua glances down.

Near his heart, a field of ice and snow.

L-l-l-looks like...I will d-d-die here today...Cucumber-bro, you...must...take care of yourself!

...My king...

...this - trial...

...I am afraid...

...I...cannot...

...help you...

...any...

At that moment, right before he passes out, in the farthest corner of his line of vision, suddenly, a corner of a deep blue robe flaps, collar full of wind and snow.

C-c-call...the...king, t-t-the king arrives! 

My son, your creator has not doted on you for nothing! With the power of countless generations of ancestors to back him up, his mighty king lands a palm squarely on the usurper’s solar plexus, praise, absolute praise for that stunning blow! 

Caught off guard by this strike to the chest, half of Linguang-jun’s unimpressive chest collapses, demonic energy streaming out a thousand li, as if a giant hole had been punched through his entire body.

Ha! 

Indeed, you are no match for Mobei-jun, my king is the best health insurance!

Watching that previously smug face (practically asking for a beating) now filled with resentful energy, though the credit is not his to take, Qinghua shamelessly feels a bit of satisfaction. 

People (demons included) truly shouldn’t be overly proud, look at this Linguang-jun, using ice to seal his own wounds in a hurry, stealing out of the fortress in a stream of black wind, doesn’t he appear more foolish because of his arrogance?

Shoo! Shoo! 

Leave my king alone! 

...to tell the truth, Shang Qinghua has no right to gloat, the one who runs fifty steps shouldn’t be laughing at the other who runs a hundred (reference to an idiom: 五十步笑百步), he himself, is also - 

Utterly exhausted, like the finisher of a 10 kilometer marathon (haha, actually, in that ill-fated first life, he hasn’t ever run one of these ah, why torture yourself?!), lying down with his face towards the sky.

...lying, for half a day, yet no one comes to help him up. 

Mobei-jun!!! What are you doing?

No matter how you view the situation, laozi is in this state because of you, not even helping me up, this is TOO inexcusable!

Pa ta! 

Ma ya, what is happening again? 

Grimacing in pain, with incomparable difficulty, Airplane turns over.

//

Indeed, no one is perfect, his ideal man is no exception, Mobei-jun, unexpectedly, has fallen over as well! 

Thinking about it, this somehow resembles the part in a video game right when you lose: two figures, collapsed in different postures, quietly, quietly, spread out on the street.

Without needing to guess, anyone observing would know, it must be that his beautiful prince most likely hasn’t finished absorbing the accomplished martial body at all, and hasn’t suppressed the foreign demonic energy of his uncle.

Just now, the adrenaline of that ‘sudden impulse’ which helped him fend off Linguang-jun at the last second has already been exhausted, therefore he…fainted. 

My king, do you need CPR?!

Airplane juju crawls over to check.

Hm, probably not - although Mobei-Jun is lying straight and stiff on the ground, unable to move a single finger, his pupils...his pupils are...

Shining blue, like an overcharged battery about to explode! 

My king, if you keep staring at me in this manner, how can I continue lying down peacefully?!

“...t-that, my king you ah, don’t struggle, just...lie down, and slowly digest.”

Poor Mobei-jun, who asked you to be so OP, having never had the experience of being beaten to a meat pulp before (except maybe by Luo Binghe), he is obviously unaccustomed to tolerating extreme amounts of aching, soreness, that sort of thing, today, he finally has the chance to understand how commoners feel. 

My king, does it hurt?

It hurts, right?! 

When you beat me all the time,  it’s also f**king painful! 

Seems like, things such as physical tears cannot be obstructed by lofty character, a great man is not immune to pain, at the corners of Mobei-jun’s eyes, rolling down his bone-white complexion, are those...pearls of tears?! 

That expression really - really is...a scene that shocks the eye and astonishes the heart.

Expending immense effort, from his trembling lips, a soft whisper - 

“...Qinghua...came back...”

Chapter Text

...

Weak! 

Weak, Shang Qinghua is too weak, simply unable to endure the sight of his favorite creation in great pain, he cannot, cannot resist his own rash impulse to hold his king’s hand, caressing his unmoving palm carefully. 

(Originally, he could still have convinced Mobei-jun that the entire encounter was merely the ‘convenient appearance of a spirit’ or something, this is ultimately a fantasy world, he - he just had to...stupid author! Stupid author!!! 

At this stage, Airplane has absolutely no option but to confess.) 

“A-aiya, my king, how could I leave you alone?  At the very least, I had to make sure you ascended the throne safely...”

F**k, why is his gaze not subsiding in the least!!!

“...Qinghua...unharmed...”

My king! 

So you do possess the virtue of gratefulness! 

This servant has not labored in vain, I am touched! 

“En, my king, I’m like a cockroach, can’t be killed, xixixi...”

Mobei-jun, stays silent for very long.

“...this - this king...”

“What is it, my king?”

Do you want a massage? For this one to rub your back, help you relieve the ache - 

“...this king...harmed you.”

A face full of seriousness, this expression of Mobei-jun’s is truly rare, equivalent to an apology.

Who would have thought, the king really took his dying words seriously?!

F**k, f**k, my king, don’t cry, seeing this, I also - 

“...self-destruction...this king...harmed you...”

Don’t tell me...

My king, you!!!

...these years, you...

You thought...

“Heavens ah...that, my king, back then, I only wanted to 避避风头 (escape everyone’s scrutiny), being named a traitor by the big and small sects, who wouldn’t want to - this, this servant only changed flesh vessels, laozi doesn’t perish so easily, you, you, don’t have to blame yourself any more, alright?”

Patting the king’s shoulder, the misunderstanding is cleared, all is well, let’s not stay entangled in the past! 

“My king ah, your uncle was seriously injured by you and probably won’t dare come back again. You’re almost done digesting, right. Then I’ll just…leave.”

If there is a time to leave, of course it is now - the king is recuperating, since Mobei-jun cannot stop him, he should take the chance to flee while he can! 

Goodbye jianghu! Farewell sect politics, human demon tensions etc, laozi is going to lead a simple and carefree existence in some tiny, quiet village, making sure to run very, VERY far when Bing-ge exacts his revenge! 

But...but...

My king, don’t look at me like that,  I have already  done my part,  fulfilled my duty towards you, Linguang-jun shouldn’t have the guts to reappear, you’re already  safe, so from today onwards, we’ll walk our separate paths, okay? 

Lying on the ground, Mobei-jun is powerless to stop him even if he wants, unable to prevent Shang Qinghua from standing up, straightening his robes...

“...Qinghua...don’t...don’t leave.”

That pair of glistening eyes, like sapphires against frost - my king! Who asked you to be this tragic, this pitiful...

Who can resist a pathetic man!!!

Looking at the door, then at Mobei-jun, the door, Mobei-jun...

I can’t, I absolutely can’t!

Sit down, I’ll  sit back at my place, 老板 (boss), I won’t ever quit again! 

“Okay, okay, I won’t, mm?”

Humming softly, as if coaxing a baby, he reaches out with itchy fingers to fondle the snowy strands of hair, like petting a cat. 

In the other world, after his demise, who would remember to burn him incense during Qingming, with no friends from school or colleagues - parents, let’s not mention them! - Airplane juju probably would be as forever alone at his funeral as he was in life. 

To tell the truth, to have his ideal man care so much for him, this insignificant cannon fodder, even taking the effort to preserve his cold corpse like a horror movie character, the feeling is quite good...

Thinking about it, Mobei-jun also has no one left right now, his mother passed on at an early age, his father has gone to join the ancestors, as for his uncle - such a relative, my king is better off not having!

As the saying goes, 一不做二不休 (loosely translated as ‘once begun, don’t stop’),  might as well be a good person all the way! 

“I won’t leave, I’ll stay right here and accompany you, accompany you throughout your reign, okay?”

Hearing this, Mobei-jun’s gaze seems to suddenly change, a hundred and eighty degree change at that, from abject sorrow to joy, as if his heart, from the abyss, ascended to paradise! 

(Although when he gets happy, his king is still not fond of exercising his facial muscles, a true 高冷男神 (icy and aloof male god), the tip of his left eyebrow raises minimally, minimally higher, and that’s it!)

Shang Qinghua smiles weakly, shooting a dirty glare at the carcass oozing pus on the side.

F**k, it’s kind of smelly here, how did my king endure the stench of my disgusting dead body for a whole week?! 

“Haha, my king, waiting’s a bit boring, a bit awkward, right? Let’s have a story, like, like a sleepover! My king, do you know how the northern desert came to be?” 

//

Many, many shichen later, Shang Qinghua cannot tell how long, or whether the sun has set or is rising, having absorbed the full strength of the ancestral powers, like a D*sney prince, Mobei-jun finally rises - truly unbeatable by any enemy now, how mighty is my king! 

MY KING! 

Having officially succeeded to the throne, you can make raging waves beat the shore, flying stones pierce the clouds at once, with merely  one strike of those strong  arms - 

Ah ah ah why is he coming closer, too close, TOO close...

“M-m-my king?” 

“Qinghua.”

“My - MMFPH!”

Before he can let out the yawn he has been holding in (laozi hates burning the midnight oil, let alone for 7 days in a row) Shang Qinghua experiences firsthand, the sensation of a pair of cool lips slamming on top of his...beard?!!!

After some tries (ultimately, this disguise was useless, time to shave), those soft lips manage to find his mouth, tongue plunging in the open hole like a wild snake entering a cave (f**k my king, immortals need to breathe too)...

WTF!!!

Danmei?!

Ma ya, the book  genre, how did it switch to danmei! 

It’s better this way, better this way, the original, was a brainless satisfying read, everything in disorder, writing style like an elementary schooler, maybe the more serious readers couldn’t even resist throwing down the book and cursing “what dogshit plaything”, deviating from the plot to creatively explore, adapting to the world instead of being inflexible and bending (haha, bending) a little, it’s like being a person, right? 

Indeed, life is full of unpredicted twists and turns, yesterday an infamous stallion novel author, today an infamous cultivator, tomorrow, maybe an infamous danmei ML?

Ah, who cares, readers, it’s not your book, now, let laozi enjoy the long-awaited opportunity to grab that exquisite, pillow-like quivering chest!!! 

Wa, my king, your technique is pretty bad, no matter, no matter, Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky is used to making garbage excuses, this one can toss out a thousand ‘it’s only’s to smooth things over. For example: it’s only your first attempt, ah no, it’s only our first attempt, this Airplane is actually a hack, writing all those unrealistic papapa scenes as a sad, lonely virgin, to err is human, it’s only natural...it’s only...

It’s only.

…It’s only he really, very much likes this story he wrote.

//

EXTRAS

“Urgent! Junshang, an urgent missive from Lord Luo - ” 

Taking one glance at the decomposing corpse on the floor, then glancing at the human...intimately embraced by Mobei-jun, Black Wolf, who is not superstitious (不迷信), has no choice but to believe (不信也得信). 

“GHOST! A GHOST!” 

Retrieving the fallen scroll from the unconscious demon (laoxiong, isn’t fainting an overreaction?), his king reads the imperial edict in a slightly annoyed tone.

My king, do not act hastily, Luo Ice Brother, isn’t somebody you can easily provoke! 

“The Qing Jing peak lord has returned. Junshang is summoning me to a meeting. We must prepare.”

Yes, yes, prepare, prepare some rare treasures as tribute to placate the demon sovereign, lest...

“The discussion on strategy will take place in the business hall of the underground palace.”

“Discussion?”

Bing-ge sure is moving fast! 

War strategies, where are the treatises on war strategies...

“The topic of discussion is: if your heart is out of sync with a certain person, a human cultivator who is a former Shizun, how can you make them understand your true feelings?” 

...

Cucumber-bro, WTF!!!! 

//

“Shidi, Cang Qiong mountain is willing to forgive your transgressions, on the account of our relationship as martial brothers, I will not punish you, allowing you to return to your position to...organize the paperwork - ”

“Hen, who is your shidi? Zhangmen-shixiong - no, Sect Leader Yue, laozi is but a wandering cultivator, unworthy of that title!” 

“Shang-shidi...”

“What Shang?! Laozi’s surname is Fei! However...this matter of paperwork, laozi is not unfamiliar with, but...”

“But?”

“It’s hard to make a living these days, as a wandering cultivator, of course my services must be paid for! If distinguished Sect Leader is willing to form a contract, giving this one a monthly allowance to compensate - ”

“...”

“Quick, laozi can’t wait for you the entire day!”

“Yes, yes, Cang Qiong must...reward immortal master Fei for his labor. That...how many taels - ”

“How much is the Qing Jing peak lord’s allowance?”

“That much?” 

“Never mind! Hen, do you think laozi is not in demand, I have a rich suitor, he is not lacking in funds, who needs to work - ”

“Cang Qiong will pay! Our sect will pay immortal master the...amount equivalent to the Qing Jing peak lord’s allowance.”

“Good, good, it is done!”

“Many thanks to immortal master Fei. Can immortal master start work before the shichen is up?” 

F**k, I should have asked for more! 

//

“ - speaking of demons, did you hear the news?! The Xiu Ya sword and his wicked disciple...eloped!”

“You mean, he wasn’t abducted?!”

“You fool, have you not read the Resentment of Chunshan?”

“Since you two are idle enough to gossip, have you finished sword training?”

“Shijie!”

“Shijie! Gossiping isn’t against the sect rules!”

“Didn’t you say you wanted to be invincible? Then practice more with that sword of yours.” 

“But Elder Fei didn’t even use a weapon!”

“A-Xiao, you haven’t finished the story! What happened to your benefactor?”

“After freeing everyone, the noble and upstanding Elder Fei did not return from the north. For months, we have been praying to the deities for his safe return - wei, what are you eating, it looks tasty!”

“This? These peaches are imported from Cang Qiong sect! Did you know peaches can be frozen, I didn’t know either! Recently, the fruits that reach our remote sect really have become more delicious, not rotten or stinky!”

“Hen, after Cang Qiong laid that traitor to rest, the sect has finally begun to prosper, that scum’s curse is too potent!”

“Mobei-jun finally gave the body back?”

“Ah, this Mobei-jun is now in a sorry state.”

“Shijie! What news do you have?!”

“Yesterday, Sect Leader received a letter from your Elder Fei. Those peaches you’re gobbling, how would any cultivator in a mountain sect have the ability to use ice with such skill?”

“Then...”

“Haven’t you heard? A while ago, in the northern palace, appeared a mysterious, peerlessly strong cultivator, who subdued the demon and made him his servant, obeying his commands and making him noodles every night!”

Chapter Text

Tomorrow. 

6 p.m.

Northern Desert Palace.

Northern Desert? 

Isn’t that place very expensive?

My king, I don’t have money ah!

The restaurant is my family’s. 

Haha, back then,  I hugged the right thigh!

My mouth is blessed (˶‾᷄ ⁻̫ ‾᷅˵)

Tomorrow.

6 p.m.

Okay!  See you then!

“What ‘okay, see you then!’ ??? Stupid author, do you have any self preservation instincts?!”

Sleep deprivation truly is harmful to the body ah, looking at the person before him, who has clearly stayed up all night to binge read the latest Proud Immortal Demon Way chapter, his one smack, is just too heavy handed!

Shang Qinghua carefully rubs his arm. 

Pain, Cucumber-bro, PAIN! But…

“CUCUMBER-BRO! So, you actually care so much - ”

“Shut up! This is basic common sense, didn’t your parents teach you, don’t meet strangers on the internet!”

“Parents, what parents? Aiya, Mo Bei isn’t a stranger, we’ve known each other since elementary school!” 

“Hmph, you haven’t seen each other in real life since eight years old, if that doesn’t count as strangers, then what does?”

Although Cucumber-bro has a point, still, you can’t invade someone’s privacy like that! 

“The phone, give me back - ” 

Shen Yuan, this fellow, once he is determined, no one can stop him.

Like Yue Qingyuan’s faults after Shen Yuan’s er-ge started dating him, the assignment that they originally agreed to do together, has been utterly forgotten. 

“Wa, his family’s restaurant, aren’t you scared he’ll eat your tofu (take advantage of you)?” 

“Haha, my tofu isn’t even delicious, what’s there to be scared of?” 

“You - isn’t this the same person who, on your birthday last year, sent over that new laptop? That little chrysanthemum of yours, better be careful.” 

“Ma ya, didn’t I already say, as a rich young master, of course Mo Bei doesn’t know the value of money! To him, maybe it’s just pocket change! Aiya, it’s just Mo Bei, nothing will happen!”

“What ‘it’s just Mo Bei’?! Are you very familiar with him?”

“Mn! Very, very familiar, I know him the best! Cucumber-bro, it’s precisely because you’re not familiar with Mo Beijun, that’s why you’re so worried! Our family’s Mo Bei, is really - ”

“What are you laughing for.”

“Mo Bei - Mo Bei’s…in any case, he definitely isn’t what you’re imagining!”

//

(11 years ago)

“What’s taking you so long?!”

“Coming, Senior! Coming!” 

With his small hands, carrying so many drinks is not easy. Senior, you’re bigger and stronger, why are you asking me to help you and your friends  buy drinks?

“What did you say?”

“N-nothing! S-s-senior, drink well.”

Ah, if anyone’s to blame, it’s all Shang Qinghua’s fault for being too  easily bullied. Hm, at least these seniors gave him money to buy their snacks, in other schools, people might not be so lucky! 

After placating those childish bully  seniors, Qinghua  sits down on the green grass to rest.

“HAHAHA! HAHA, FASTER, FASTER!”

Who’s making so much noise?!

I just want to rest for a while!

Eh, those uniforms…aren’t they from the nearby Huan  Hua Elementary? Kids from rich families, I want to be one too! 

“HAHAHA! Caught him, we caught him!”

A big bunch of them, kicking here and there… what’s going on???

“Now Mo Beijun has to catch us! Quick, run!”

Ah, so that thing on the ground they were kicking wasn’t a ball, it was a person!

Aren’t they playing tag, why are you frozen there and not running?

“Hey.”

No response.

“Hey!”

Wow, his hair is so messy, his  face, is quite dirty, white and round like a fresh, steaming little meat bun - ah, no, a large meat bun!

What is he looking at? Ah, I know!

“Your shoelace is loose!”

Father says, people of the Mo family aren’t allowed to cry, but…

It really hurts.

Staring at the long strings on his shoes,  Mo Bei wants a-yi. 

“Hey.”

“Hey!”

That kid is  calling him, there’s no one else here. 

His name is not “hey”, even if that boy doesn’t know Mo Bei’s name, he  should be calling him “young master”, he’s calling the wrong name.

“Your shoelace is loose! Tie it up!”

A-yi, where’s housekeeper a-yi, a-yi will help Mo Bei tie the laces up…

“Ah, you don’t know how to? Don’t - don’t cry! How - how about…I’ll help you!” 

“At your big age, don’t you know how to tie your own laces?”

Wow, that kid’s skin is so pale, turning red this easily, he must be extremely embarrassed!

“Don’t - don’t cry anymore, okay? What if people think I’m bullying you?!”

“Father - can’t cry - ”

Aiyo aiyo, he’s making things worse! What to do, what to do…

“You - you go to that school, right? Huan Hua?”

Silence. 

“Then, you must be a  little prince - no, a big king!”

“King?”

“My king, let me serve you! You don’t have to be embarrassed, it’s this servant’s duty! My king, I’ll tie your shoelaces for you!”

Chapter Text

“Aiyo, did they bully you again?!”

With his head lowered in silence, this little prince refuses to talk, really stubborn! How cute, he probably doesn’t want to  show  weakness in front of a new friend. 

But, the blood flowing down his pale and tender  knees cannot be hidden.

“Here, let me…I’m going to  pour some water now, it’ll hurt  a bit…give me your handkerchief, I’ll wipe - ”

Poor Mo Bei, that pair of  small,  dark  eyes are looking east and west, but just refuse to look at Qinghua, his  cheeks are also turning redder and redder, like two apples.

“My king, there’s nothing to be ashamed of! I’ll teach you, next time,  once you see them, just run away!” 

“…can’t run fast.”

“Aiyo, you… you’re really too cute! Who would have the heart to bully you?! Done, done, it doesn’t hurt anymore, right?” 

“Th-thank you, Shang - Shang Qinghua.”

“Eh? Your words, why do they sound so…You’re not from here, where are you from?”

“Bei-Beijing.”

“A Northerner! I’ve never seen anyone from the North before! Ah, don’t look so scared, I don’t eat people!”

“…Shang Qinghua…doesn’t want to be friends with me?”

“…no wonder you  don’t like to talk, do they laugh at you?”

“Mn.”

“Then - then who cares about them? Let’s have fun ourselves!” 

“My king, it’s really late. I’m - I’m going to go home soon, before Dad gets home, haha, who’s going to take you home today?”

“A-yi…A-yi…on holiday…Uncle…Uncle’s coming, Dad’s busy…”

“Don’t cry! I’ll - I’ll wait here with you, okay?”

“Caught you!”

His two hands, catch Mo Bei’s round  face. 

When playing with friends, hide and seek is really fun! 

“Hehe, look at you, all sweaty…you weren’t sweating this much just now! It’s not even hot now, is  the weather up North that cold?! Here, let me wipe your sweat…oh, you’re sweating more!”

“This Sunday, is Mothers Day! Dad says I can call Mom, he won’t scold me!  My king ah, you must be excited, your family’s so rich, how are you going to celebrate?”

“…Mama’s dead.”

“…ah, ah ah sorry! I didn’t know…it’s okay…it’s okay, your mama’s watching over you from heaven, mm?” 

“Shang Qinghua. For you.”

“Wa! Noodles! I love noodles the most, thank you Mo Bei…Mm,  really yummy, did your housekeeper a-yi cook this?”

“No. Dad…Dad’s restaurant - chef - chef uncle makes my lunch every day.”

“Your Dad has a restaurant?! Wa, that’s so amazing!”

“Many restaurants. Dad came here to open  more restaurants.”

“Wa, you’re so lucky, I want to eat noodles like this  every day too!”

“Tomorrow. I’ll bring more.”

//

“Shang Qinghua, Shang Qinghua!” 

“Aiyo aiyo,  why are you crying like that, who bullied you this time?!”

“Shang Qinghua, I’m leaving.” 

“What? But - but you just came! This - this, don’t cry, don’t cry!”

“…D-Dad says - Dad says he’s done  opening his  restaurants, we - next month, we’re  going back to Beijing…”

“…silly child, isn’t that good?! Now,  when  you’re in Beijing, no one will laugh at your accent, right? Don’t tell me, you don’t want to go home and see your old friends - ”

“No - no friends. Only Shang Qinghua.” 

No friends?! Isn’t that somewhat…pathetic?

…but, Mo Bei is Qinghua’s sole friend too.

“…ah, that - that, isn’t it easy! In Beijing, you can make  new fr- ”

“ NO! Only want Shang Qinghua!”

“Alright, alright, I know!”

Before he’s finished speaking, Mo Bei’s trembling white and plump hands  draw a small object out of his pocket. 

“Dad says I can give you this.”

Ah? So secretive, he looks like a guilty thief…what’s that? Paper…could it be - money?!

“My king!”

“Mo residence’s telephone number. Shang Qinghua has to call.”

“Understood, understood. You are my king, of course I’ll stick with you for the rest of my life!”

//

“Later, we switched to texting and calling. Even later, maybe around middle - high school? We started chatting on social media…Speaking of, Cucumber-bro, I still think you’re too mean to me. I send Mo Bei all sorts of inane things as well, yet he’s never complained once. See? This is his old number, from about…four years ago?” 

Look

LOOK

Idol gege’s gym selfie 

Those weights

He can lift me

Shang Qinghua

You like strong guys?

Haha

You’re asking the obvious!

I understand.

Understand what? Haha (｡･ω･｡)

You’re really cute! 

“…are you - no, you are stupid. Don’t tell me, you can’t tell?”

In his opinion, whoever’s going to be Shen Yuan’s future partner is destined to suffer, he’s always beating about the bush - bro, can’t you be more straightforward?!

“What?”

“I won’t waste my saliva. Back to the topic, he doesn’t have a profile picture, even nerds like you and me have one! And! There’s not a single photo of himself on social media, don’t you smell something amiss?”

“Bro! You stalked him for me? I’m touch- ”

“Say one more word…”

“Shutting up! Shutting up! You need to calm down, there’s nothing suspicious, he’s probably shy, or scared to be bullied. Cyberbullies these days are absolutely terrifying.”

“Keep deluding yourself.”

“Rest assured, while my king is indeed a rich young master, he definitely isn’t one of those glib, scummy playboys in the stallion novels you read - ”

“I do not read - ”

“The Mo Bei I remember, is quite pampered, a bit frumpy - every time we met, his shirt was buttoned all the way up - a crybaby, lacking street smarts, innocent and gullible, easily tricked… 

And, his father’s restaurant is famous for their Northern Chinese dishes, especially their dumpling noodles, he himself also resembles an abundant dumpling, nice to pinch as well as soft and tender, not threatening at all! 

Hai, back then, I’d only known him for a year, who would have expected my king to be so sticky? 

Although he’s a man of few words, more awkward than me - till now, Mo Bei still calls me by my full name - my king’s sweet, caring, and quite a loyal guy, yet he doesn’t have many friends, what a pity, people can’t recognize treasure…”

“…I give up, you’ve been bewitched. Haven’t you heard the proverb ‘a maiden goes through eighteen changes when she grows up’?! Who knows, your docile pet might’ve turned into a big bad wolf!”

Chapter Text

“Mr. Shang, please wait a moment. Young master will be with you soon.” 

Wa, this place is indeed worthy of being called a ‘palace’, the chandeliers on the ceiling resemble ice crystals, the white cloths draped across each table like snow…how lavish and classy! 

Haha, if this is a castle, then isn’t Mo Bei Elsa? 

At the thought of his cute and slightly domineering prince, Shang Qinghua cannot help but laugh out loud.

Aiya, almost forgot to inform his king! 

My king, I’m here!

Reaching soon. 

Ha! See? See! Cucumber-bro, this is a model example! Mo Bei, unlike some people, is reliable and considerate, whenever Shang Qinghua texts, emails or calls, he can always be reached within seconds every time. In the future, once his king finds a good match, he’s sure to be a ‘24/7 filial’ boyfriend! 

“Mr. Shang, please enjoy.”

The waiters here are really proactive, he hasn’t even glanced at the menu, yet the young man dressed in a sleek suit has already come over! 

“S-s-sorry, could I ask, what’s the cheapest item - ”

“Mr. Shang, don’t worry, since our young master invited you, of course, he’ll treat.”

Thank the heavens and the earth, Mo Bei really is a good bro! 

“Haha, then…I won’t stand on ceremony!”

“Today’s selection, has been specially prepared to according to Mr. Shang’s preferences. Young master said, Mr. Shang is an extremely important honored guest.”

“Ahaha…isn’t this a bit too much…t-thank you…”

“Our shop’s speciality is Northern Chinese cuisine, I’d personally recommend the Beijing roast duck, the steamed lobster dumplings, and our handpulled noodles. Of course, if Mr. Shang can’t decide, we can instruct the kitchen to serve everything on the list - ”

“No need, no need!”

Damn, isn’t that a bit too extravagant! 

“Let’s have…this, this, this, this…and this!”

Since his king is treating, it’s only right to return the favor, these, are all dishes he remembers that Mo Bei likes - ah, no, actually, his adorable bun just likes to eat - to put it more accurately, those dishes are the ones he likes best! 

“Noted. Your food will be with you immediately. Young master instructed us to serve the dishes first. Mr. Shang, please enjoy.” 

//

My king

I just checked online

This!!! Is the most luxurious Northern Desert branch  in the whole city, aren’t I eating gold?! 

Glancing left and right, there’s absolutely no one here, haha,  are your  prices too high???

Fifteen minutes have passed, yet, other than him and the service staff, there’s not a single human shadow… 

But, Mo Bei can’t be blamed, coming back here to attend university after ten or eleven years - he and his king have such great affinity, when Shang Qinghua casually told him he’d been accepted at Fudan University…ha, dream on, a college quite close to Fudan, Mo Bei unexpectedly said he had plans to return to Shanghai to study, what a predestined coincidence! 

That silly child, even if he’s gotten lost, he’d be too stubborn to ask for help! 

Eh? The glass doors are moving, finally, someone’s entering, could it be - 

“Young master Mo.”

“Young master Mo.”

“Young master Mo.”

This - this isn’t right! His king is an only child, exactly why he’s been coddled like an emperor since birth, but that man…that man who strode in…

Has to be at least 180cm tall! 

Eyes deep as night, nose straight and high, full of heroic spirit, arrogant beyond compare…

So aloof! But also so sexy! Really fucking hot!!!

A pair of thick biceps (what pale skin - a Northerner indeed!), delicate collarbones, plus a…a heaving bosom - 

This, isn’t he the beautiful man Qinghua’s heart and right hand has longed for?

Just a whiff of his branded cologne, is enough to make one salivate! 

Additionally, the clothes on his body aren’t shabby. A pair of black jeans, tightly hug his solid and muscular thighs, an incredibly fortunate jacket wraps around his waist, as for his shirt…

Strictly speaking, his dark blue tank top, can it be called a shirt?! 

Getting back to the point! His king has no siblings, or cousins - who would want to marry his crafty, devious uncle - yet the icy male god was clearly addressed as “young master Mo”, could - could he be an illegitimate son?! 

Later, once Mo Bei arrives, he’ll get to the bottom of the matter! 

Speaking of, where is his Baobei Jun?!

Hmph, carrying a big bouquet of fresh crimson roses, the male god is definitely a wealthy playboy.

What a scary guy, his gaze is ferocious, filled with a killing aura, if it’s really an illegitimate son…has he been bullying Mo Bei! 

In any case, good looks are good looks, food is delicious not because of its appearance but because of its taste, Qinghua still prefers his straightforward, honest, pinchable and huggable prince! 

Heavens, the male model is speedily approaching his seat, don’t tell me…

He, wants this table as well?

In the dramas, the rich protagonists often show off their power and prestige with this trick! 

Da-ge, spare me!!!

Unexpectedly, instead of a fist to eat, this second generation young master gives him…the huge bunch of flowers? 

“F-for Shang Qinghua.”

His handsome and emotionless face slowly turns red. 

That voice…is too familiar…WTF - 

“MY KING?!”

Chapter Text

“Young master, don’t fret, later, the person that captured young master’s fancy will definitely be bowled over by young master’s dashing looks!”

If not for the accident with the spilled broth, Mo Beijun wouldn’t have been late. 

Although time spares no one, and he himself has changed greatly over the years, the Shang Qinghua before his eyes is just as he remembered in his heart, that is to say: warm, silly and affectionate, bright as a golden sunflower. 

Originally, he had intended to present a bouquet of sunflowers, but, anything other than 99 red roses would be too easily misunderstood.  

“F-for Shang Qinghua.”

His hamster gege, is even more adorable with his wide eyes and mouth agape. 

“MY KING?!”

“Mn.”

When Qinghua playfully punches Mo Bei’s - ouch, how solid - bicep, his own fist hurts. 

“Wa, Mo Bei, we really haven’t seen each other in too long, you actually turned into an action movie protagonist! Hehe, I bet no one dares to mess with you now! Ah, sorry, the service staff said to order first, so I…but, I picked all your favorites!”

“Shang Qinghua doesn’t need to apologize.”

“I knew you would understand! Sit down, eat, eat!”

Watching Shang Qinghua rapidly stuff food into his mouth, it’s really…just like the old days, sitting at the nearby park after school.  

“Ah, how unsightly, look at me, not knowing how to behave in a fancy place, I’ve gotten the sauce everywhere!” 

Gege’s eating habits, are still exactly the same.

“Aiyo, how many roses do we have here…53, 54, 55…you needn’t have bothered, you needn’t have bothered! Oh, oh, this is too tasty, here, my king, try some!”

The slice of meat Shang Qinghua uses his own chopsticks to place into his bowl, tastes especially fragrant and juicy. 

“Cucumber-bro aside, I truly am great at picking friends! You’re a real loyal buddy, treating your old bro to a feast - ah, my king, could you trouble the waiter to take the candles away? I’m afraid I’ll accidentally knock it over, if something catches on fire…pei pei pei…I can’t afford to compensate you!”

“Friends.”

“Ah, no, no, we can be considered ‘green plums, bamboo horses’ (childhood friends), don’t you agree, my king? How have you been?”

Being reunited with his cute prince at last, Qinghua absolutely can’t resist - 

He, stretches out his hand. 

“Let me pinch your cheeks! Oh, they’re not pinchable anymore! But, those sharp cheekbones, are really nice to feel, hehe…”

“Shang Qinghua. Try the noodles.”

“Noodles? I think I forgot to order - ”

“Northern Desert’s specialty. Handpulled noodles. You love noodles.” 

“The famous handpulled noodles, my mouth is blessed! Eh, these - these strands seem somewhat uneven…hehe, that’s…unique - is that flour?! Never mind, let’s try a bite - my king, you don’t have to feed me, I can…w-w-water, WATER!”

“Fetch a glass of water.” 

“Yes, young master!”

Gege, who eats self-prepared convenience store cup noodles regularly, is ultimately unable to swallow a single spoonful.

“Salty…how salty…wholly different from the rest of the delicious dishes…weird…”

“Is Shang Qinghua alright?”

“Fine, I’m fine! Now I get why there aren’t any other patrons present, haha, if this is Northern Desert’s star dish, no wonder business is bad!”  

Ma ya, he was making a joke, stupid crow mouth, did he offend his king? 

In an instant, Mo Bei’s entire face has turned dark!

//

(Earlier…)

“Young master, be careful!”

“Young master! The kitchen,  is not a place young master should be in!”

“I want to make noodles.”

“N-n-noodles?!”

“Trademark dish. Handpulled noodles.”

“Young master, isn’t that simple?! Let me - ”

“I will cook.”

//

(4 years ago)

“ SIX BALLS!”

“Yes, young master! I’m here, young master!”

“I want - I want a personal trainer! No, I want two!” 

“Oh, young master, are you being bullied at school again? Should I ask old master to pay a visit to the principal? But…old master is very busy, he told us not to disturb him unless  young master causes  trouble or is  seriously ill…after all, young master,  the one paying my salary is old master, so…” 

“Not being bullied.”

“ - besides, isn’t young master  fine just the way he is? Though young master is…to tell the truth…not as charming as Tianlang - as other families’ sons, young master is also unable to cook, write poetry and play instruments like young master Binghe, or dance like young miss Hualing, and is a little bit spoilt…ah, in any case, young master  may not know this,  but his  face greatly resembles our late mistress, who was both pretty and talented, that’s why old master fell for her instantly!”

“…”

“Young master, why are you sulking - oh! Does young master fancy someone!”

“…don’t tell anyone.”

“Got it, young master! Our house’s young master is the son of one of the richest families in the country,  second only to young master Binghe,  though our young master is a bit hard to get along with, he’s definitely an eligible - ”

“I don’t care! I don’t care! Shang Qinghua says he’s handsome, more handsome than me!”

“W-w-who is, young master? Could young master - could young master be less vague when speaking, a lot of people are more handsome than you…”

“That  idol. In the new drama.”

“…Oh, young master…if only your mother was still on earth…”

“Get me a personal trainer.”

“Of course young master. I will see to it immediately. Tomorrow morning, I’ll  ask the old master for funds. After all,  money is one thing he’s willing to spend on his son.”  

“…thank you.”

Chapter Text

“My king, what  did you do today?”

At  the end of a long day, lying in bed and hearing Shang Qinghua’s pleasant and touching  voice, all his troubles vanish in an instant. 

“Went to the gym. To exercise.”

“Hehe, my king is too humorous, of course you  go to the gym to exercise!”

“…”

“Ah, I’ll stop teasing, who asked you to be so cute! Eh, this is the first time I’m hearing about this, our family’s Mo Bei is unused to hardship,  are you tired?”

“Tired. Hurts.”

“Aiyo.  Where?”

“Whole  body.”

“Heavens, why does our  king  sound so  sullen? Don’t tell me, you got laughed at  while working out? Tell me who it is! I, Shang Qinghua, will definitely - ”

“…it’s a private gym.”

“That’s good, that’s good! Being rich must be nice, hehe.”

“But, the trainer kept shouting at me.”

“Eh, my king ah,  what exactly did he yell,  was he very fierce?”

“He - he kept asking me to press on. I - I’m already - ”

“Hahahaha…I mean, our Mo Bei has been spoilt and pampered since young, so you might find it - a bit of a shock, hehe, but if this is what my king really wants, then, I’ll support you all the way! Don’t be disheartened, after all, you  are a beginner, to see results,  of course it  takes time! Jiayou! I  believe in you!”

“…Thank you,  Shang Qinghua.”

“This, we’re such old friends, you don’t have to be so courteous!  Sleep early!”

“Mn.” 

//

“Beibei, what’s wrong?”

“Young master Mo, did you get bullied again?” 

This Luo Binghe, if one were to call him an  enemy, he  doesn’t fit the bill (which enemy would help you beat up your bullies outside the school gates?) but, he doesn’t count as a friend either - friends don’t use such a sarcastic tone to speak to you.

Besides, Shang Qinghua is his only friend. 

To put it accurately, he’s…a rival.

“What’s wrong? Are you throwing your young master’s tantrums again?”

“Beibei, don’t be like that…”

Sha Hualing, the nosy little demon, is really  annoying. Having nothing to do after eating, other than flirting with girls  and getting into trouble, she loves to pinch his cheeks the most.

(Those  sharp manicured claws  can’t hold a candle to  Shang Qinghua’s warm and gentle fingers.)

A pity, his reaction is too slow.  

“Go away.”

“So you do know how to talk!”

“Young master,  what’s bothering you? Tell us ~ ”

“He - he said, his type is - ”

Luo Binghe, that rascal, dares to yawn loudly.

“Ah, it’s his ‘green plum, bamboo horse’ (childhood friend/childhood sweetheart) old acquaintance again.”

“Beibei, you’re truly  loyal and devoted!”

“Eh, eh, young master, where are you going? Fine, fine, we won’t make fun of you anymore,  if you don’t tell us, who are you going to talk to? Six Balls?”

With both of them blocking the way,  he can only vehemently  glare at dazzlingly ostentatious classmate Sha with one eye, and tall and stately like a jade tree in the wind, casually elegant, handsome and cavalier, ‘people fall in love and flowers bloom when they see him’ classmate Luo with the other. 

“Won’t understand.”

“Won’t understand? We won’t understand?”

Brows furrowed, he takes  his second phone out from his pocket.

“The whole morning, he’s been saying, this idol is his ideal type.”

On the screen, a  hot and  shirtless male arrogantly glares at the camera, although his face is very punchable, overall, he can still be counted as…quite attractive. 

“How pitiful,  should I ask my girlfriend for help?  My darling Mingyan specializes in - ”

“She’s not your girlfriend.”

“Yet.”

“Be careful, her big brother is a national wushu champion. Hey, young  master, I’ll  give you some advice. If  his heart towards you is true,  then it  shouldn’t matter.”

“But I say, Beibei, self-reflection is important! Humans are shallow, packaging is key,  look at the way you’re dressed,  though we’re all wearing designer brands, the difference is between heaven and earth!  From behind, you resemble  a businessman - not the cool and suave type in the dramas…the sort my father hangs out with, do you get it now?”

Silently contemplating for a while, he  picks up his phone again.

“Six Balls! I  want a personal stylist!”

“Young master!  How sudden, I don’t remember any company dinners coming up.  Sure, I’ll get  old master’s stylist and tailor to  design a few  Western and Tang suits specially for you!”

“Not that. Find me  the same one as the most popular male idols. Money isn’t an issue.”

“Oh, young master! I  must manage your expectations, old master can, of course, spare the funds, but there’s a reason why idols are idols, and you, young master, are not an idol, but also…also  uniquely adorable and possessing your own charms, haha…”

//

“Shang Qinghua.”

“Mn?”

“Tonight,  can we…not video call?”

“Sure, let’s find another day - ”

“I meant…can we voice call.”

“Mn, no problem! Anyway , I’ve just showered, my hair’s still wet, hehe…”

“I-i- in the future, too.”

“Why so sudden? Did someone  make you feel insecure?! Is it that horrible uncle of yours again, or - ”

“No.  I just - just…”

“Aiya, we’ve been friends for so long, you don’t need to feel bad, or  explain anything  to me. As long as you’re comfortable, I don’t mind!”

“Shang Qinghua.  One day, we’ll reunite  in person. I promise.”

“It’s a deal!”

Chapter Text

“Hehe, my king, I really had a great time eating my fill! What about you?” 

Glancing at Shang Qinghua’s grin with his teeth exposed, he forces out a smile as well. 

“Me…too.”

“Haha, you’re still the same old you who doesn’t like to waste saliva. Aiya, look at the time, I have to get back, there’s a pile of assignments waiting for me! If I don’t complete my part for the group project, Cucumber-bro will surely…Oh right, Mo Bei, since you’ve moved here to study, where are you living now? At your university?”

“Rented an apartment near campus.”

“Really? Our Mo Bei has indeed grown up and learnt to be independent. Do you remember back then, when you couldn’t tie your own shoelaces? Ah, I nearly forgot. This - this is for you!”

From his huge and heavy-looking backpack, gege fishes out a crumpled white plastic bag with Luo Binghe’s father’s supermarket chain’s logo printed on it. 

“Let me make it clear, I’m both broke and not good at buying gifts, this, is just some cheap stuff, inside, there’s some packets of instant coffee, cup noodles, toilet paper…in short, what every undergraduate must have at home! Of course, compared to my king’s treat today, it’s - ” 

“Thank you.”

Wa, his king must have missed him a lot, hugging him so tightly (Mo Bei’s biceps are truly sturdy) - aiya, it must’ve been hard on Mo Beijun. In the past few years, having moved to a school for rich kids, without Qinghua by his side, did he spend his days alone and friendless? 

“Shang Qinghua.”

“Mm? Oh, nothing, I was only thinking, seeing you in person today, I’m very happy. Really - you’re even more adorable than I had imagined!”

Though Mo Bei and Cucumber-bro can both be counted as his friends, and are both wealthy sons, they are as different as the heavens and the earth, before he’s stood up, his king has preemptively helped him to pick up his ratty backpack, how gentlemanly!

“My king ah, in future, we have to meet again! Text me when you’ve reached home, oh, and, since this is a new city, if you encounter any difficulties, you can definitely hit me up! It’s late, then, I’ll take my leave fir- ”

“I’ll send you home.”

“No need, no need! I wouldn’t want to trouble you, hahahaha…”

But, Mo Bei’s a step ahead, already calling out to the sharply dressed middle-aged man standing near the door. 

“Six Balls.”

“Yes, young master?” 

“Could you prepare the car?”

“Of course! Young master, I was merely waiting for you to ask!”

By appearances, Mo Bei’s…employee(??) seems like he’s at least in his mid-forties, yet his enthusiastic temperament takes ten years off his age. 

“Mr. Shang! Young master often brings you up, hehe, by often, I mean every few hours. As expected, Mr. Shang is as kind and thoughtful as described, I feel safe leaving our family’s young master in your hands! You two can wait here, I’ll drive the car over…oh right, Mr. Shang, did you know, for your sake, young master worked extremely hard over the years - okay, I’ll stop talking, young master, don’t glare like that, you look intimidating!”

//

“Hehe, my king, I’d assumed you were living by yourself!”

Once the cheerful and excited uncle has taken an expensive designer keychain from Mo Bei and left, Shang Qinghua awkwardly says.

Outside, the night air is a bit chilly, when he starts to tremble, Mo Bei is such a trusty bro. 

“Wear.”

“M-my king! I couldn’t possibly take your jacket, hehe…are you kidding me, this piece of cloth probably is equivalent to my tuition fee for the semester, if I were to damage - ”

“No matter.”

“Ah, ah, back to the topic, you and uncle…Six Balls are both are tall and broad in stature, squeezing together in a tiny student apartment - ”

“…penthouse apartment.”

Qinghua nearly drops the fragrant bundle of roses in his arms.

Luckily, he doesn’t have any food in his mouth right now, if not, he’d long since have choked!

Shang Qinghua, sighs in his heart.

Rich second generation, rich second generation…

“My king, your father’s quite generous, the monthly rent - ”

“Not rented. Bought.”

WTF?!

At this moment, a luxury vehicle worth more than Shang Qinghua’s life stops in front of them.

“Young master! Mr. Shang! Hop in!”

Chapter Text

“You ask, how deep is my love towards you,

How much do I love you,

My affection is unwavering,

My love does not change…”

The Moon Represents My Heart?! 

Before this, it was Sweet As Honey (sweet as honey, your smile is sweet as honey), these slow ballads are making the atmosphere a bit - 

“…ah, this…Uncle, could you please make the music softer?”

“Yes! Right away, Mr. Shang! Mr. Shang has been brought up well, such good manners - when our family’s young master wants something, he’d usually just say a single word! Of course, I’m not implying young master has not been brought up well, but, what I’m saying is, you and young master are like yin and yang, one talkative, one quiet, truly a perfect match - Okay. I’ll be quiet.”

Other than Uncle Six Balls’ strange song choices, the ride is pretty comfortable, a hundred times better than taking the subway or the bus. 

Being exposed by an elder like this, Mo Bei must be feeling somewhat embarrassed, he, silently stares at his hands, his adorable ears have turned red too. 

(They’re really very red, even in the almost pitch-dark car, Shang Qinghua could tell!)

He tries to lift the heaviness in the air.

“…come to think of it, actually, my king, it’s good that you don’t live alone, so you can stay as ‘golden branches, jade leaves’, not needing to lift a finger to clean or cook - I know, you can’t do either, hehehehe! Aiyo my king ~ why are you sulking?”

Some things never change, Mo Beijun’s pouting expression is as obvious as ever! 

“The noodles.”

“Ah?”

He sneaks a glance at the box of noodles he couldn’t bear to throw away (even if it’s bad tasting food, it’s expensive food!) sitting in his lap.

“I cooked them.”

“O-oh.”

//

“These noodles - aiya, what was I complaining about in the restaurant, these noodles are so…flavorful! I’ll eat - I’ll eat them right away - ”

Before he can open the takeout box, a large and ice-cold hand gently stops him. 

“If Shang Qinghua doesn’t like it…don’t force yourself.”

“This is a portion of our Mo Bei’s heartfelt sincerity, how can I let it go to waste!”

“It tastes bad.”

“…this - this this this, taste is subjective! For example, Cucumber-bro finds my novels unbearably trashy, he’s constantly criticizing every tiny detail, yet, you, my king, though you don’t like to speak, have nothing but praise for my work. In conclusion, the dish is quite…not atrocious, it’s unconventional!”

Staying silent for a while, Mo Beijun finally opens his mouth.

Uncle Six Balls, abruptly turns the song’s volume down to zero. 

“Wanted to make noodles for you.”

“Eh, it’s fine, it’s fine, offering such a lavish meal on the house, you’ve already let me take advantage of you enough - ”

“Shang Qinghua said, you like men who can cook well.”

“Oh! You misunderstood, back then, I was describing my ideal type. My cute king doesn’t have to be so insecure, after over ten years of being friends, of course I like you!”

His gaze containing internal frustration and self-doubt, can be easily mistaken by others to be menacing and ferocious.

But, Qinghua isn’t ‘others’. 

“Not. The ‘like’ between friends.”

“W-what?”

Chapter Text

“I. Like Shang Qinghua.”

Once he finishes, gege, who always has a lot of words to say, is absolutely speechless. That cute mouth of his is wide open, like the internet picture of a hamster swallowing a banana Hua-ge sent to Mo Beijun two nights ago.

“What, my king, what? I - I think I misheard - ”  

“I. Like you.”

“Damn, don’t tell me, Cucumber-bro was right…”

Gege, whenever he’s nervous, likes to chatter to himself. 

At this moment, the car seems to be going especially slowly. Looking east and looking west, Mo Bei just refuses to glance at Shang Qinghua at all. 

“…how long - no, since when?”

He lowers his head and mumbles.

“Since the start.”

Such a simple phrase, is enough to shake Qinghua’s world.

From the beginning?! Wouldn’t it mean…aiya, his math is trash-tier, but, if Mo Bei’s ‘start’ refers to when they were seven or eight, then, his crush…if his affection was a living person born in that year, wouldn’t it have grown into an elementary school kid by now?! 

Ma ya, what trope is this, even Shang Qinghua, who specializes in writing hundreds of romance subplots, could never have imagined…such a classic trope would happen to him - 

Ah, he’s hesitated for too long. 

Seeing Mo Bei staring out the window with what superficially appears to be a wooden plank-like face, his heart does feel quite sour. 

“Today. I planned everything. Wanted to let Shang Qinghua taste the best cuisine. Also…wanted to confess. Using the noodles Shang Qinghua finds the most delicious. To express my intentions.”

“Then, what Uncle mentioned…your new image, was for - because - ”

“Mn.”

The great master Airplane, though a prolific writer of romance plots long enough to fill countless chapters, when placed in the role of ‘love interest’, he truly doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“…My king, it’s been so many years, yet you haven’t changed in the least.”

Chapter Text

“…My king, it’s been so many years, yet you haven’t changed in the least.”

Hearing these words, the tip of his Baobei Jun’s meticulously plucked eyebrow falls slightly lower. Averting his face on instinct, his body also stiffens up, like a block of ice. 

“You’re just too much of a perfectionist. I say, since young, your dad’s been too harsh on you.”

At this time, two of Shang Qinghua’s fingers start to pinch Mo Bei’s cheek on one side, forcefully pulling outwards, as if he’s kneading dough.

“Silly.”

His other hand also joins in, pinching the other side of Mobei-Jun’s bone-white face, sometimes pulling in opposite directions, sometimes pressing together.

“So silly. My king, today, I had the best time with you. Even if you’d treated me to cup noodles, I would have enjoyed them, get it? You, don’t need to impress me, you don’t need to change your image either. No matter what you do, the you in my eyes won’t change. Because…”

Oh no, his king must have misunderstood! The sight of tears emerging at the corners of his long and thin eyes is definitely not a foreign one, after all, little Mo Bei was quite a crybaby, yet, given his new ‘lofty and aloof’ image, that expression really is…really is…

Especially pathetic! 

He, can’t help but start to lightly caress Mo Beijun’s damp chin instead.

“ - I already like you.”

“…really.”

“Mn! Hehe, actually, all this while, I secretly carried a torch for my king, it’s only…Remember that year, on your eighteenth birthday, when I abruptly hung up the phone on you? Originally, I - I wanted to tell you how I felt, only, I stopped myself at the last minute.”

“Is it - is it because I wasn’t Shang Qinghua’s type?”

“Aiya, look at you, my king is wealthy and eligible, how could I make a fool of myself?”

“Not a fool.”

Since when did his cute and spoilt prince become a master of romantic dialogue, like the suave leads in those idol dramas? 

“Shang Qinghua is willing to be mine?” 

“Mn.”

“Shang Qinghua…really - really likes - ”

My king ah, why do you sound so doubtful of yourself?

“Mn, from the beginning! How could I not fall for our awkward and shy, sincere and genuine, pampered and tender young master?”

“But…Shang Qinghua said - you like those muscular and handsome guys.”

…As the proverb goes, you can eat without a care, but you can’t speak carelessly.

“Oh, my king, I - I said it on a whim ah! Besides, theory and practice are wholly different! For example, I’ll say ‘I like abalone porridge’, but in reality, simple congee with spring onions makes me very happy.”

“Abalone porridge.”

His dignified and precious king solemnly repeats, as if swearing an oath, the corner of his brow hiding an extremely covert hint of pleasure.

“I’ll make - ask our chefs to make it for you everyday.”

Ma ya, that was an analogy, an analogy, don’t tell me, Mo Beijun - he, he once again took his words seriously?!  

“Aiyo my king, that’s not the point!”

Sitting in the front seat, Six Balls only laughs.