Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

everything about you is how I'd wanna be
your freedom comes naturally
everything about you resonates happiness
now I won't settle for less
[...]
everything about you is so easy to love

(bliss - muse)

“And you’re sure this has nothing to do with aliens?”

Jaehyun laughs. He’s staring at his phone, at the answer to the charade Juyeon has been trying to figure out for fifteen minutes now, tongue tingling with the urge to give him the answer already. He doesn’t know who has a worst time with this game—Juyeon, who never gives up and will keep trying to guess until he gets it right, no matter how long it takes, or Jaehyun, who needs to hold back and not give the answer at the first sign that it’s gonna take a while for Juyeon to guess it. 

“No aliens.”

Juyeon gnaws at his lips, squinting into the distance through the windows of the diner. It’s late afternoon, which means the diner is empty—too late for the lunch crowd, too early for the dinner crowd. Juyeon takes off his cap to scratch his head. He holds it aloft for a second, white embroidery over purple fabric spelling out Lee’s.

“Ok. Does it involve magic?”

“No. Want a hint?”

The way the game works, Jaehyun doesn’t technically need to give hints. But he likes giving them, if anything because he wonders if his answers are too cryptic sometimes to be helpful. He’s about to point out that Juyeon already has enough information to piece together a few things when the door rings open.

Eunbi walks in first, laughing and holding the door open for her friends. It has all the components of a romcom scene in Jaehyun’s mind—her blond hair, tied in a loose bun at the back of her neck, glows in the orange hues of sunlight bathing the stretch between the door and the northern half of the diner, her face just as bright and full of life as it always is in his memory. She looks radiant, even though she’s dressed casually, barely any make-up on that he can tell. 

Their eyes meet as soon as she’s inside. And then Juyeon turns around, just as her friends spot the two of them too, and reality comes crashing down onto all of them. Yerin looks apprehensive while Hwang Eunbi is glaring, protectively wrapping a hand around Eunbi’s elbow. She never did like Jaehyun all that much to begin with.

Juyeon stands up, putting his hat on, and walks around the counter to get their orders. “Hi folks, how can I help you today?”

The girls order food to go. Jaehyun doesn’t watch because he doesn’t want to be rude, scrolling on his phone instead, but he does listen in. He knows Eunbi will ask for a strawberry milkshake before she does. Only when Juyeon brings them everything and wishes them a nice evening does Jaehyun look up again. Eunbi looks at him, too, on her way out, and gives him a friendly wave and a kind smile.

“See you around, Jaehyun.”

“See you, Eunbi.”

Juyeon comes back after a minute. He slides into the seat across from Jaehyun again, a question clearly right on the tip of his tongue, though he takes his time asking it. “How weird is it, one to ten?”

“Three.” Almost immediately, Jaehyun corrects himself. “Five.”

Juyeon nods. “Could be worse, then.”

“Oh, totally. I don’t think it’d be that awkward between just the two of us. It’s the circumstances. And the fact that Hwang Eunbi looks at me like she wants me to drop dead.”

His friend laughs. He takes off his cap again, this time leaving it on the table to run a hand through his hair. Juyeon still carries a lot of that boyish charm of his, like he’s still running across the basketball court every Thursday night and barely keeping himself awake for the first period of chemistry the next morning, even though it’s been a few years.

“She’s definitely thought of slashing your tires, for sure.”

The Eunbis have been friends ever since they were babies, so it’s no surprise that Hwang Eunbi would consider Jaehyun her mortal enemy of sorts. His story with Eunbi started in middle school, back when parents still thought it was an okay thing to look at two children and joke about them getting hitched in the future. Their town is small but not that rooted in tradition for it to turn into a full-on arranged marriage sort of situation, although the expectations were there. Until they weren’t.

They dated throughout high school, which made perfect sense at the time. Jaehyun liked her. Eunbi was affectionate and sweet, a little bit of a perfectionist, and she understood Jaehyun’s sense of humor just as he understood hers. They worked really well together, always had. They were good lab partners, and they loved getting involved with school events, especially behind the scenes, because neither was really that interested in being the center of attention—a funny thing, considering he was as popular as anyone could get in their school, and she was part of the student council. Their companionship was probably Jaehyun’s favorite thing about their relationship. Above everything else, Eunbi was his friend.

Then graduation came, and Eunbi left for a university across the country, while Jaehyun went to college in the next town over. Choosing to take a break instead of flat out breaking things up seemed wise to them back then. There was no pressure to visit or make time for each other when they knew they would be too busy learning how to breathe outside of the tiny bubble called high school. But they’d still be waiting for the day they would be back here, in town, together. 

Because they’d certainly, obviously, clearly get back together. That was the way things were: Jaehyun and Eunbi, Eunbi and Jaehyun, high school sweethearts with a clear future ahead, fully supported by families that spoke of wedding plans even before they were off to college.

But Jaehyun couldn’t do it.

Distance was both a blessing and a curse. Jaehyun realized, with every month in which he wasn’t Eunbi’s boyfriend, that he didn’t miss her as much as he thought he would. He didn’t miss their relationship. Maybe, he thought, what he had felt for her had been less love like it’s spoken of in poems, and more of a friendly, platonic love. The practicality of having someone by your side, and the comfort of not having to think about it too hard.

It felt wrong to string her along, once he knew how he felt. There was no way he could pretend things were still the same. When she came back, six months ago, Jaehyun didn’t run to her side like he—and what felt like the entire town—expected him to.

He didn’t attend her welcoming party. He didn’t contact her. They hadn’t been in touch for a couple of years now, so he wasn’t cutting her off out of nowhere—they had been cut off from each other for a while now.

She understood. He knows she did. Because he wasn’t the only one who left their relationship behind and never looked back. He figures she came to the same conclusions, probably before him, even. The same eye-opening realization that whatever they had, it wasn’t the real thing. It was a placeholder, a substitute for what neither had at the time—love, of the impassioned, heart-seizing kind. Theirs had been a relationship for practical purposes.

And Jaehyun didn’t feel it had a place in his life anymore.

“How are you, though?”

Juyeon is chewing on his bottom lip again. Worried, this time. Watching Jaehyun’s face like he’s afraid Jaehyun might burst into tears any second now.

(Jaehyun won’t. It takes a lot more to make him cry than seeing his ex.)

“Fine. I think,” Jaehyun says. He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

He doesn’t. He’s fine about the Eunbi thing, that much he knows. It’s not like he regrets the way things ended between them. He doesn’t want to go back, he still doesn’t have feelings for her aside from fondness and a fervent hope that she finds someone else to make her happy along the way. That shouldn’t be hard for her.

But everything else feels… off. Jaehyun can’t put his finger on what is bothering him exactly. It’s like learning his feelings for Eunbi weren’t as deep as he thought shifted his perspective but didn’t offer any clarity, only more questions. What else is he taking for granted? What else is he just letting happen? 

What is he doing here?

“Have you heard from Youngjae?”

“About the internship thing?” Juyeon asks. When Jaehyun nods, he shakes his head. “No. I’m guessing he doesn’t have an answer yet. But I think he’s gonna get it. He’s smart.”

“He is. But he’s not the only one. Things must be harder in Seoul.”

“That’s true,” Juyeon says. 

He looks out the window again. Jaehyun’s car is the only one outside, so they have a clear view of the street, and of the gardening supplies store just across from them. They watch Mr Kim close up the shop, Juyeon waving with his kind smile when the man catches sight of them at the diner.

“Do you ever wonder what it’s like there?”

Juyeon turns back to him. “There where? Seoul?”

“Yeah. It kinda feels like we’re the only ones left behind. I wonder if that’s a good or a bad thing.”

“Neither, I guess. It’s just a matter of choice.”

Jaehyun considers that. Juyeon isn’t wrong: all of their friends who left did it because they wanted to. No one had to get out of their small town where everyone is friends with everyone and literally every single person above 50 gasps in surprise upon seeing you, because they all saw you in diapers and oh, how much you’ve grown! 

Sangyeon, Jaehyun’s best friend in school, left to pursue a masters degree, too ambitious and with a thirst for knowledge too great to be satisfied with the handful of courses available in the neighboring towns. He was the one who helped Jaehyun through his first hangover and who heard all about Jaehyun’s many other firsts, because if anyone can get Jaehyun to open up, that person is Sangyeon.

Younghoon was a similar case. After a gap year in Europe, he moved to Seoul to pursue his newfound talent for modeling. He’s a great photographer, too, even though he gets paid way more to be in front of the camera than behind it. He’s Jaehyun’s oldest friend, a next-door neighbor who was a part of his life before Jaehyun even knew how to talk. And just like Sangyeon, his choice to leave was deliberate. No one forced him to. No one asked him to. He just did.

Youngjae is the link between their groups of friends, and Changmin is Juyeon’s closest friend; both also left for a different life in the big city. Youngjae works with computers, though Jaehyun never really understood what exactly he does, and Changmin is a zoologist by day and dancer by night. Neither hesitated at the chance to leave town, much like Jaehyun’s own friends, which is how Jaehyun and Juyeon ended up getting closer. They were acquaintances in school brought together by chance in college, because as Jaehyun is starting to learn, things change.

People change.

“Are you thinking about leaving?”

Jaehyun looks at Juyeon. His friend is still a little worried, and definitely curious. It’s a good question. Is he?

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun says. He leans his chin on his hand, sighs. “I think I’m just a little restless. I hate it.”

Juyeon chuckles. “Of course you do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you like to see the road ahead of you,” Juyeon begins. He grins when Jaehyun narrows his eyes. “Are you gonna say you don’t? You’re a bit of a control freak, hyung. And I mean that with love.”

Jaehyun laughs. “Stop talking to Sangyeon, he knows too much.”

“I don’t need Sangyeon hyung to tell me that, though,” Juyeon points out, smug grin and all. “I know you.”

True. This friendship may have been born out of circumstance, but Jaehyun knows it’s a good one. Juyeon pays attention. Quite a lot of it, in fact. He’s unbelievably kind, takes Jaehyun’s bad jokes in stride, offers unexpected wisdom and equally bad jokes in return. They do know each other by now.

“So it figures that you’d get a bit anxious after college,” Juyeon continues. “And after, you know. The Eunbi thing. You had a clear path to follow, now you don’t. That opens up a lot of choices that weren’t there before.”

“I hate how right you are,” Jaehyun says, making Juyeon laugh. He sits up straighter, picks up the cap still on the table, and puts it on. It’s a little big for his head, but he does his best to fix it in place as he says, “What if I just work here and flirt with all your customers? I don’t know, I might meet my soulmate that way. It’d be a meet-cute!”

Juyeon goes to snatch the cap from his head, smiling, but Jaehyun ducks out of the way. “You have your own job.”

“Barely any ladies below 35 out there buying furniture.”

“I don’t know, maybe they could teach you a thing or two.” 

Jaehyun’s jaw drops. He throws the cap at Juyeon, laughing. “I am not getting a sugar mommy.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t judge!”

They laugh and joke around for as long as it takes for the diner to start filling up again. Juyeon has to work, and Jaehyun needs to vacate the table, so they stand up to go their separate ways for the evening.

He pats Juyeon’s shoulder and goes for the door. Before he leaves, though, his friend calls, “Hey, hyung!” There’s genuine concern on his face when Jaehyun turns around. “Keep your eyes open. Maybe you’ll get a sign soon enough.”

It feels a little naive to expect a sign from the universe, but Jaehyun doesn’t voice that. If there’s a time to be naive, he figures, now just might be it. 

So he nods and gives Juyeon a smile. “Yeah, maybe.”

Jaehyun has one eye on the shelves filled top to bottom with wine of all kinds, and one eye on his phone.

His mom hasn’t answered his texts yet, which isn’t all that surprising. She’s not a fast texter, and she did send him out on a grocery run precisely because she said she had too much to do around the house. It’s a Saturday, but to her that only means a whole day to come up with chores no one but her cares about. Her phone is probably in another room entirely.

He could just risk it. Google says he can’t go wrong with white wine. But he can’t recall if he ever noticed what wine his mom uses for her recipes—do they even have white at home? Did they ever? How come he doesn’t know this?

Distracted staring at price tags, Jaehyun jumps in place when a voice calls from his right, “Jaehyun hyung?”

Kevin looks different from the last time Jaehyun saw him, which must’ve been years ago—at school still, because Jaehyun was off to college one year before him, and Kevin left town altogether after graduation. He looks taller, for starters, and his hair is longer, with blond highlights. He’s not wearing glasses either. Jaehyun is so surprised he doesn’t register immediately that Kevin is not alone.

“Kevin? Oh my god, it’s been ages...” They share a half-hug that’s more a bump of shoulders than anything. “When did you come back?”

“Last week. I’m not technically back though, it’s more of a vacation.”

Jaehyun grins. “Who vacations here?”

“I do, now!” Kevin says, all smiles and excitement. “Jacob does, too!” He gestures to the guy by his side, who Jaehyun kind of ignored until now. “We’re staying with Chanhee for a few weeks.”

“Choi Chanhee,” Jaehyun adds, to signal he knows who he’s talking about. He was never close with Chanhee, though their paths did cross every once in a while at school. They used to hang out with different crowds, Chanhee choosing to stay out of the spotlight and Jaehyun never really having a say in it as the star of the baseball team, and their worlds still don’t intersect a lot. Chanhee goes to church, Jaehyun isn’t religious; Jaehyun has a gym membership, Chanhee has never set foot in there as far as he knows. “He’s still singing in the choir, isn’t he?”

“Yep. Better than ever, too,” Kevin says. His friend reaches over to pick a bottle from the shelf, which seems to remind Kevin of his presence. “Wait, hang on, I’m so sorry, I forgot you guys don’t know each other—Hyung, this is Jacob. Jacob, this is Jaehyun hyung.”

Jacob straightens up, clutching the bottle of wine to his chest in surprise with the sudden introduction. His eyes go a little wide before he opens a polite smile, and Jaehyun feels like he’s just as surprised, only for different reasons. Jacob has a striking smile and warm eyes under a mop of soft-looking, copper blond hair. His smile is disarming enough that Jaehyun reacts a beat later. He bows his head slightly.

“Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too...” Jacob says, bowing back. He speaks in such a low, mellow voice. He glances at Kevin and tries to guess, “...hyung?”

“No, I think you guys are the same age, actually. Right?” Kevin turns to Jaehyun to confirm. “Ninety-seven?”

“Right,” Jaehyun says.

To Jacob, Kevin explains, “Jaehyun hyung was like… If we had prom here, he would’ve been prom king. You know what I mean? Sports guy! You guys would’ve gotten along. Probably.” To Jaehyun, he asks, “What’s your stance on Sam Kim?”

“Cool songs.”

“Yeah, you would’ve gotten along.”

“And you guys were friends?” Jacob asks, doubtfully. That gets a laugh out of Jaehyun.

“I was also into theater,” he explains. “Had to go against Kevin to get some roles. That’s how we know each other.”

“Oh, that makes more sense.”

“I can’t even bring myself to feel offended because yeah, it does make more sense,” Kevin says. “Troy Bolton here tried to take Hamlet from me once. The audacity.”

They laugh at that. Jaehyun is flooded by memories of his adventures as part of the theater club, something he started as a way to work on his social skills and ended up taking a liking to. It’s been some time since he last dabbled in it, but being around Kevin certainly reminds him of how exhilarating acting could feel. 

Kevin reaches for more of the same wine Jacob is still holding. “Let’s get… Uh, I think three should be fine?” Kevin wonders out loud. He then asks Jaehyun, “Stocking up for the weekend?”

“Grocery run,” Jaehyun points to his half-full cart. “I’m trying to guess which wine my mom would want to cook with, because she didn’t specify...”

Kevin scoffs and immediately reaches for another shelf. “Oh my god, you need a Sauvignon,” he says in perfect accented French as he hands Jaehyun a bottle. “No question. Trust me, if she wanted red she would’ve told you.”

“Oh, hey,” Jaehyun adds the bottle to his cart with a grin. “Thank you. You just saved me a second trip here, probably.”

“No worries, my dude.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Kevin makes a face, like an idea just popped into his head. He’s about to say something else when someone calls his name down the aisle. They turn to see Chanhee there, holding what looks like three bottles of different condiments in one hand and his phone in the other. 

“I told you the bell peppers here suck,” Chanhee calls from where he’s standing. “We should get the tiny ones instead.”

“That’s not the same thing, though,” Kevin says, already walking off in his direction. He looks over his shoulder to Jacob. “Be right back, don’t go anywhere.”

“Yes, sir,” Jacob jokes, still holding the bottle of wine to his chest. He looks back at Jaehyun once Kevin is gone; they can hear Kevin and Chanhee talking to each other until they turn down the next aisle, and then it’s just the two of them, standing there, with the faint music playing somewhere in the store.

Jaehyun clears this throat. “So…”

“He thinks I might get lost,” Jacob clarifies. “Because I kind of suck with directions, and I’ve never been here, and all that.”

“You do have a phone, though, right?”

Jacob chuckles. “I do. But I lose that a lot too, so… He has good reason to worry.”

Something about that sort of co-dependency rings familiar to Jaehyun. He doesn’t know how it didn’t occur to him before now, but Jaehyun wonders, for a second there, if Jacob is something more than a friend to Kevin. He didn’t exactly give him Jacob’s credentials, just his name, so anything is possible here.

He doesn’t want to outright ask about a stranger’s relationship status—which in this case entails more than just his relationship status, too—so instead he goes for, “You’re from Seoul?”

“Toronto, actually,” Jacob says. “But I live in Seoul, yeah. Kevin and I work together.”

“Oh? Sorry, I just realized I have no idea what Kevin does.”

Jacob's smile is so bright, it disconcerts Jaehyun again. He’s so friendly, voice still so gentle and words pronounced with such care. It’s not like Jaehyun isn’t used to people around here being friendly—he is, people are nice around these parts—but Jacob resonates friendliness in such a particular way. It feels so inherent to him, like it’s less an effort to make conversation with a stranger and more just a part of him. Of who he is.

It’s intriguing, to say the least. It makes Jaehyun want to keep the conversation going.

“He’s a music teacher,” Jacob explains. “We both are, I mean, at the same arts academy. He teaches the piano.”

“And you?”

“Guitar.”

The image of Jacob holding a guitar flashes in Jaehyun’s mind for a second. He smiles. “That’s kinda super cool.”

Jacob looks about to refute that, shaking his head and smiling bright as anything, but Kevin comes back just then. 

“I was gonna ask you,” he barges into conversation just as he hands Jacob two bags of Doritos for him to hold, his own arms full by now, no carts in sight. “Wanna tag along tonight, hyung? We’re going to the Dutchman later.”

Jaehyun takes a second too long to realize Kevin is talking to him. “Oh. Oh? Who’s ‘we’?”

“Us three, but I’ll text Juyeonie too, since I have his number,” Kevin explains. He’s already walking backwards to where Chanhee is waiting for them, by the checkout line. “You can take someone else too, if you’d like. The more the merrier!”

The fact that he doesn’t have anyone else to take aside from Juyeon weighs Jaehyun down a bit, but he doesn’t let that show. “Sounds fun. I’m in.”

He catches Jacob’s happy smile, gives him one of his own in return. They walk away, arms full of a strange assortment of items, and Jaehyun takes a moment to remember what else he needed to grab. It’s a long thirty seconds, because he’s watching Jacob’s retreating back, the contrast of his coppery hair against the black hoodie he’s wearing a little too distracting.

If that’s Kevin’s boyfriend, Kevin is one hell of a lucky guy.

Jaehyun doesn’t question that thought, and goes back to his shopping list.

Their town has exactly three bars.

There are, of course, a couple of clubs, a bowling alley, some restaurants, and Lee’s, the preferred diner for anyone looking for a good meal. So you have a few more options for a night out. But bars, in the pure sense of the word, are only three: Tiger’s, Blue Bell, and The Flying Dutchman.

Jaehyun has been to all three of them, as most towners above 19 have. Tiger’s is a sports bar, with big screens lined up on the walls and red and white decor that could not be more on the nose. It’s a noisy place, and the patrons have a considerably higher chance of breaking out into a brawl compared to the other two, so Jaehyun doesn’t really care for it. Blue Bell has a karaoke stage, which is fun, and Jaehyun has been there a few times, but the clientele skews a little older, so it’s not entirely his scene, either.

The Flying Dutchman, however, is the favored hangout spot for people around his age. It’s a nice place, nothing too fancy, but the food is good and the music selection is infinitely better than Blue Bell’s. The tradition for when Sangyeon comes into town is to go there for at least a couple of beers, depending on how long he’s staying. 

Juyeon likes the place, too. He’s excited and uncharacteristically chatty as they make their way to the bar, which is close enough to Juyeon’s place that they can walk there. It’s a good sign, Jaehyun thinks. A cheerful, relaxed Juyeon always means good things. And it helps Jaehyun relax too, so there’s that.

The other three are already there when they arrive, so Jaehyun and Juyeon join them around the table. Juyeon takes the empty seat next to Kevin, which leaves Jaehyun to sit next to Jacob. They greet each other with friendly smiles, and Jaehyun finally has the chance to greet Chanhee too, whom he doesn’t get many chances to talk to aside from the awkward hey, how’s it going and good morning when they bump into each other in town.

It’s comfortable, in a way, even if he doesn’t really know Jacob or Chanhee all that well. He watches the table, too, impressed with Chanhee’s outfit and makeup combo that makes him look like a rich influencer from out of town, and unsurprised to see that Kevin makes the blandest black turtleneck and a collection of bracelets work in his favor. Juyeon is wearing the same leather jacket he wears every time they go out, but he gets praise all around the table for it, which Jaehyun thinks it’s fair—he does rock the casual look.

Jacob is a different story. He did make an effort, Jaehyun will give him that. The black hoodie he was wearing at the store has been replaced by a graphite bomber jacket with a white shirt underneath. A simple silver necklace with a sun pendant hangs around his neck, and his ears are pierced, something Jaehyun didn’t notice earlier. But with him, it’s not about the outfit. He just looks… really good. Surprisingly, astonishingly good.

Jaehyun doesn’t stare, but only because he has enough presence of mind not to. Because he wants to. He really, really wants to. But he’s sitting right next to him, so it’s hard not to make it obvious.

The conversation flows easily, because Kevin is excitement personified tonight, and he, Juyeon, and Chanhee bounce off each other as if they do this every night, even though they don’t. Jacob and Jaehyun watch more than they participate, but Juyeon is always trying to include Jaehyun while Kevin does the same for Jacob, so they’re not completely out of the loop. They’re just quieter, watching the other three get rowdier and rowdier without the need to get more drinks after the first two rounds.

“Wait, wait, hang on,” Kevin puts his hands out to interrupt Chanhee in the middle of his passionate explanation of the plot of a drama he’s been hate-watching. Kevin points to the ceiling, turns to look at Juyeon. “Isn’t that your song? The one you performed right before graduation?”

Chanhee throws his hands up too, almost as chaotic as Kevin by now, nearly knocking his empty glass. “Oh my god, it is. Get up. Up, up, up!”

Between the two of them, they coax an outwardly embarrassed, inwardly pleased Juyeon (because Jaehyun can tell the difference) to stand up, and proceed to drag him to the tiny empty space in the middle of the bar where a handful of people are standing up, even fewer drunk-dancing to the beat.

It’s cute, and sort of embarrassing too, because Juyeon has an entire choreography for this song but he’s trying not to go all out for it here while Kevin cheers him on and Chanhee doubles over laughing.

Jaehyun looks to the side. Jacob is watching them too, looking a bit more relaxed now than he did when they first got to the bar, elbows on the table, lips curved into a small smile. He meets Jaehyun’s eyes.

“Are they always like this?”

“Worse,” Jaehyun says on autopilot. Nevermind that he hasn’t seen Kevin in years and didn’t know Chanhee and Juyeon knew each other until tonight. He’s too busy noticing how Jacob laughs with his entire face to care about details right now. “I like your jacket.”

“Thanks.” Jacob’s eyes flick down. “I like yours, too.”

Jaehyun looks down, having forgotten for a second what he’s wearing. A jean jacket. Very typical of him. He’s in no position to judge Juyeon for his loyal leather jacket.

“I swear I’m not usually this boring.”

“You’re not boring. Jean jackets are very in right now,” Jacob says, unconvincingly. With the look Jaehyun gives him, he laughs. “I mean, Dua Lipa makes them look cool... I think? Is that her? I don’t know anything about pop music, actually, that’s Kevin’s thing.”

The name shocks Jaehyun into the present again. Right. Kevin. Before he can think it through, the words are out of his mouth. “You and Kevin…?”

Jacob stares at him, patiently, as if waiting for him to continue. When he doesn’t, Jacob goes, “Oh! Oh, no. We’re friends. He’s my best friend.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Started as coworkers, then we became roommates, then best friends,” Jacob explains. “Now all of those at once. But not—We’re not together, no.”

“Right.” Jaehyun takes a sip of his beer, fumbling for his next words. “Right, I was just wondering—”

“Yeah, no, we’d never—”

“Because if you were, that’d be totally cool,” Jaehyun says, then flinches. Awful. Just awful. “Not that my opinion matters.”

Jacob doesn’t take it the wrong way. He chuckles, licks his lips. When he looks up at Jaehyun again, his eyes are curious. Searching.

“What about you? Anyone in the picture?”

“Oh, no,” Jaehyun stretches the word to drive his point home. “Chanhee didn’t tell you the hot goss?”

“No, and he would not call it that, I don’t think.”

Jaehyun laughs. “He really wouldn’t.” 

He watches his friends embarrass themselves for a moment, steeling himself for it. It’s a funny thing, having to do that—he realizes he never had to tell what happened to anyone, because everyone around him just knew.

“I’m the resident asshole,” Jaehyun explains. “I broke things off with my girlfriend of years just about… six months ago? A little more than that. Around the New Years.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that,” Jacob says, and he does sound empathetic. Gentle. His hand twitches, like he’s about to hold Jaehyun’s on top of the table, but stops himself at the last second. Jaehyun wishes he had gone through with it, and doesn’t question that thought either. “Was it hard?”

“The breakup?”

Jacob nods. Then amends, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. It’s—Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

Jaehyun smiles. “Are you always this nice, or is it just because you’re talking to a loser?”

“You don’t look like a loser to me.”

It almost slips from his lips, the then what do I look like to you? but Jaehyun holds it back. It’s irrelevant. What does he care what Jacob thinks about him? They don’t know each other. Jaehyun barely cares about what the people he does know think of him.

“It wasn’t,” he says instead, getting the conversation back on track. “The breakup, I mean. It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t gonna work out either way.”

“Why not?”

“I didn’t love her,” Jaehyun says. “Not like I was supposed to, anyway. I know how melodramatic that sounds, but it’s just—I couldn’t do it. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah,” Jacob says, softer than ever. “I do, actually.”

There’s recognition there. Jacob sees him, and it makes Jaehyun wonder if he went through something similar, if they’re kindred spirits in a way. Something about it warms Jaehyun to the core, the idea that he and Jacob might have things in common. Experiences, as bitter as they may have been. It’s hard to imagine Jacob having trouble loving someone, but Jaehyun figures he doesn’t know him all that well yet.

He wants to, though. He wants to know him.

“Did Chanhee take you to the theater yet?”

Jacob is confused for a moment—he obviously wasn’t expecting a question like that. “No?”

“Do you wanna see it? It’s a couple blocks from here,” Jaehyun points over his shoulder. He could point to the theater from anywhere in town, probably. “It’s one of my favorite places in the world.”

“Oh, you mean, just the building? I thought you meant if he had taken me to see a play.”

Jaehyun laughs, terribly endeared. “Just the building.”

“Sure,” Jacob agrees faster than he was expecting him to. “Yeah, I’d love that.”

He waits by the table as Jacob goes over to Kevin and whispers something to him. Kevin looks over his shoulder, at Jaehyun, and whispers something back. They seem to come to an agreement, because Jacob walks back soon after. Before he reaches Jaehyun, however, Kevin shouts, “Bring him back home in one piece!”

Jaehyun touches his temple with two fingers in a salute, a promise to do so. He knows Kevin will fill Juyeon in too as soon as he can.

The world is much quieter outside the bar. Jaehyun starts leading them on the short walk to the theater, hands in the pockets of his jacket. He watches Jacob’s face once they’re out, the way he looks up at the sky. Jaehyun follows his gaze and sees nothing but a clear night sky.

“You guys have a lot more stars here,” Jacob marvels.

Of course. Jaehyun forgot about that, because it’s not really something new to him. The sky looks the same as it always did, in his head.

“Perspective,” Jaehyun offers. “My stars are the same as yours. It’s just easier to see them from here.”

“You know what I mean,” Jacob retorts, but he’s amused. “Do you always have an answer for everything?”

Jaehyun grins. “I wish.”

The side door Jaehyun uses when he does his sporadic check-in visits to the theater is unlocked. He explains, to a surprised Jacob, that they don’t really need to lock the place up. It’s a small theater, right next to the church, and if something does go missing, they usually know which of the troubled kids in town is responsible for it. His job, when he’s not volunteering as a stagehand during the school year, is to check the lights and the equipment at least once a week, though he tends to do it twice just to be safe.

“This counts as my second check-in this week, then,” Jaehyun says as he finishes turning on the lights in the audience too, so it’s easier to see the entire theater from where they’re standing on stage. “Two birds, one stone.”

Jacob is looking around, facing the empty audience. “You know how to make a guy feel special,” he jokes under his breath, distracted as he takes in the whole place.

Jaehyun’s cheeks heat up, but he can’t be sure if it’s because of the implication or if it’s because he’s embarrassed about his comment now. A mix of both, most likely. He’s standing a little behind Jacob, watching the light reflect off the blond of his hair and give him something of a halo. Jacob turns around to look for him, and Jaehyun needs to take a couple steps forward so he’s not just a shadow against the light. 

“I can see why you like it here,” Jacob says. He waits until Jaehyun is standing next to him to look towards the audience again. “It’s so quiet. So peaceful.”

“It’s a little funny too, because I used to get so nervous before going up on stage,” Jaehyun admits. He chuckles to himself. “This place looked massive to me back then.”

Jacob sighs. “Oh man, do I know the feeling.” 

His profile looks beautiful like this, under the stage lights. Jaehyun watches him, waits a moment for him to volunteer more. When he doesn’t, Jaehyun says, “You look like you belong here.”

Jacob smiles, impossibly wide. “On stage?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought so, too. I mean. I tried to convince myself I did at one point.”

Jaehyun swallows dry. He doesn’t want to push, but he is curious, and he doesn’t get the feeling Jacob is uncomfortable talking about it either, so. “Was that your dream?”

“Oh no, nothing like that. I never dreamed about being on stage, or about anything at all, really,” Jacob says. “I just—I thought I should give it a try? But it didn’t go well. Stage fright, sort of.”

Jaehyun’s stomach drops. “Oh, fuck. I’m so sorry, we can leave if you want—”

“No, hey,” Jacob laughs and touches Jaehyun’s elbow. It’s that brief contact that tethers Jaehyun to the here and now, prevents his anxiety from skyrocketing. “That’s so sweet of you, but I’m fine, I promise. The fear was more about performing in front of people than the stage itself. This right here is... awesome, actually.”

There’s nothing in his face that suggests he’s lying for Jaehyun’s benefit, which is a relief, but Jaehyun still feels a little stumped that he unwittingly brought up what must be not so nice memories to Jacob. He’s tongue-tied for a second too long, until Jacob takes his hand and guides him to the edge of the stage, where he sits down and tugs Jaehyun’s hand until he’s sitting next to him.

“Come on,” Jacob says. He nudges Jaehyun with his shoulder; they’re sitting so close that their thighs are pressed together. “Tell me some stories about your time on stage. You look like you might have a few interesting ones.”

Jaehyun tries to hold off a smile, and fails. He nudges Jacob back, just for the hell of it. “You just want blackmail material to use against Kevin, be honest.”

“That’s a bonus, true,” Jacob concedes. They laugh, and Jaehyun loses track of time again as his entire world seems to narrow down to Jacob’s smile. “No, but seriously, I wanna hear it.”

So Jaehyun tells him. He talks about his first play ever, when he was a supporting character with two lines and still managed to get both wrong on the first night. He tells him about the favorite character he’s ever played, the fox in The Little Prince, and how he had whiskers on for the entire play. He talks about Kevin, too, but he’s honest, tells him Kevin was the most passionate actor on stage no matter the production they were bringing to life, and that he really shone bright when it came to musicals.

Jacob listens intently, laughs with him, asks questions and jokes when Jaehyun can’t remember the answer to something, lamenting their old age. It’s easy, surprisingly so, to forget the world outside. Jacob is sunlight and warmth in human form, funny and sweet and so, so genuine.

It’s when there’s a lull in the conversation, both still smiling at his last story, that Jaehyun notices Jacob watching him. They look at each other for a moment, not saying anything, just staring.

Jaehyun wonders if Jacob can feel it, the static in the air. Crackling with something he can’t name, but that feels far more promising than electricity.

Jacob leans in and kisses him.

He’s deliberate about it, gives Jaehyun more than enough time to pull away, but Jaehyun doesn’t. Not at first. It takes him a couple of seconds to react, brain catching up to him only after his heart remembers how to beat again. When he does react, it’s to pull back, eyes wide and breath already in disarray.

What is he doing?

It takes him the eternity of a second, as their eyes meet, to second-guess himself. What is he doing, really? Should he be doing this? Does he want to? The answers come not in words, but in a feeling, so absolute and urgent that it takes away what little control Jaehyun had left over his breathing.

Jaehyun kisses him this time.

It’s curious. Jaehyun never really wondered what it would feel like to kiss another guy, and when he finally does, that’s not what he’s thinking about. He does notice the skin on Jacob’s jawline is a bit more rough than he’s used to, similar to his own, and he does feel the calluses on Jacob’s fingers when he cups his face, but he doesn’t attribute value to those differences, nor is he worried about cataloguing them. Those are secondary observations, popping away the second they come up.

What takes over his every thought is Jacob. The softness of his lips, the taste of his mouth, the aroma of his cologne. The hands on his face, so gentle, so Jacob. When Jaehyun touches his neck, his fingers brush against the necklace, cold against hot skin, before coming into contact with the coppery hair, softer to the touch than Jaehyun could have imagined. Every single touch feels amplified, multiplied, impossibly heightened.

Jacob takes his breath away while breathing life into him.

They kiss until Jaehyun’s gasping for air, until he stands up and pulls Jacob up with him. Like this, they’re closer, bodies pressed against each other. They trip over their feet when Jaehyun kisses Jacob again, so eager that he almost throws them off-balance; Jacob laughs, the sound running through Jaehyun’s body all at once, and holds onto Jaehyun to keep themselves from toppling over.

For the first time in his life, Jaehyun learns that kissing can be a full-body experience. Then he wonders what else Jacob can make him feel, and if he can give Jacob the same kind of euphoria in return.

Jaehyun never imagined himself doing something like this, but he takes Jacob backstage, to the storage area. It’s a small, cramped room, but they barely notice that as they make it onto the only bed there, covered in plastic and white sheets like most of the props around them.

Jacob is patient, kind, generous. He takes Jaehyun’s hand when he starts feeling a little nervous, kisses his knuckles when Jaehyun can’t seem to get his zipper to work. They don’t cross any lines Jaehyun hasn’t crossed before; it’s just hands and lips and tongue and touch, but it feels so unbelievably good, as if Jaehyun has never experienced any of it before. Like it’s his first time realizing he has a body, a touch-starved one, and that sex can be more than a mechanical sequence of steps—it can be a rhapsodical mess, chaotic and unruly, taking him to a state of elation until he feels his skin crackle with the same energy he felt on stage, only infinitely more intense.

How strange, Jaehyun thinks, to find a piece of yourself in someone else’s existence. But how beautiful, too.

Chapter Text

Juyeon:

Did you forget to answer my messages

Or did you really get home 3am?

ljh:

lol second one

good morning

Jaehyun puts down his phone when someone walks into the store. He can’t recognize the middle aged woman right away, though he thinks she might be related to Yurim, an old classmate of Juyeon and Changmin who always brought sweets to share with her class. Her aunt? Jaehyun can’t pinpoint where he might’ve seen her. A birthday party, maybe. 

It’s a slow day at the store because Sundays always are, somehow slower than what they’re already used to during weekdays. The only reason Jaehyun’s dad insists on opening on Sundays is because it’s cheap. It technically costs them nothing to open during the day. And Jaehyun doesn’t mind going in either. It’s not like he has a lot else to do.

He walks over to the woman to see if she needs his help. She does. He guides her through their small but varied selection of study desks, “each prettier than the one before”, and she takes her time evaluating which one her niece might like best. Jaehyun was right, it is Yurim’s aunt. 

It’s when they’re back at the counter, with Jaehyun ringing up her order and getting her details for delivery, that he notices her staring. Nothing creepy, he’s not weirded out by it, but she looks at him curiously, like a relative that hasn’t seen him in a long time and is about to say something borderline rude.

It’s not the first time that day he has wondered if there’s something different about him. His mom stopped by the kitchen when he was pouring himself a cup of coffee and gave him an unreadable look when she asked at what time he got in last night and he told her around 3. He had to take a friend of a friend home, he explained. She looked at him like she could see through him; he stared at his coffee and tried to remember how to act normal. It was harder than he expected it to be.

He knows that it makes no sense to be this paranoid about it. He doesn’t think he’s a completely different person than he was yesterday. He does feel a little different, lighter on his foot, but it’s hard to gauge how much of that comes from the fact that last night was simply fun, taking months of worry and anxiety off his shoulders, and how much comes from learning something new about himself he didn’t know existed.

Thinking that people can see something on his face, like he suddenly turned on this signal that broadcasts to the world that he may be (also? exclusively?) into guys is insane. Gaydar may be a thing, sure, but thinking that Mrs Jeon is picking up on those vibes after speaking to him for 10 minutes about desks is ridiculous.

“You know,” Mrs Jeon says when Jaehyun hands her her receipt. He holds his breath. “You look so much like your mother when she was your age.”

Jaehyun exhales with a nervous laugh. He has heard that one before, countless times, and at different ages, too.

“I take that as a compliment,” Jaehyun says, genuinely happy (and relieved). “Thank you, Mrs Jeon.”

“My Yurimie always thought you were so handsome, and she wasn’t wrong,” the woman adds. She’s pulling the strap of her bag over her shoulder again, ready to leave. She offers Jaehyun a conspiratorial little smirk. “I’ll tell her to text you once she’s back in town. The two of you would make quite the pair.”

Jaehyun laughs, polite and a bit embarrassed, and wishes her a good day. He doesn’t address her suggestion because even if he hadn’t been thinking nonstop about a certain smile and soft blond hair, what can you possibly say to something like that? He never knows how to answer the usually well-intentioned but awfully tactless parents of eligible bachelorettes who seem to think Jaehyun would make a great son-in-law. It’s even more awkward when he thinks that half of those bachelorettes probably don’t think very highly of him, since all everyone knows is that the breakup was his fault and neither he nor Eunbi ever offered any other details or explanations for it.

But if he could scarcely bring himself to care about that before last night, now he really, really doesn’t care. He lets the thought slip from his mind as soon as Mrs Jeon is out of the door, busying himself with filling out the paperwork his dad will need to deliver the desk.

He checks the clock on the computer once he’s done. It’s almost time for his lunch break. He stretches his arms, lazily, and looks up from the computer just in time to see someone walk into the store, like Jaehyun dreamed him into existence from thinking too much about him.

“Hey.”

Jacob’s smile is just as dazzling as it was the night before. Jaehyun had started to wonder if it wasn’t his imagination, or the two beers he had at the bar. But no, Jacob looks just as stunning right now, silhouetted against the sunlight outside, hands in the back pockets of his jeans. 

“Hey,” Jaehyun greets back. He knows he’s smiling from ear to ear, doesn’t care. “What are you doing here?”

Jacob walks further inside, looking around as he makes his way to the counter. “Not quite the warm welcome I was expecting but I’ll take it.”

Jaehyun laughs. “It’s good to see you. But this is possibly the most boring place in town. Top five, at the very least. There’s no reason you should be wasting your Sunday here.”

“Kevin is next door buying some art supplies,” Jacob says. Then, “And I only realized this morning that I don’t have your number. So…”

Oh. That’s true. They didn’t exchange numbers last night. 

“You don’t.” Jaehyun doesn’t even try to suppress his smile. “Do you want it?”

Jacob nods, way cuter than he has any right to. It’s only as they’re saving each other’s contacts that Jaehyun notices Jacob looks a little nervous. Hesitant. His eyes flick from his phone to Jaehyun then back to his phone; he opens his mouth, but then seems to give up saying whatever it is he was about to say. It happens fast, but Jaehyun is watching him so closely, he can’t miss it.

He worries for a moment—does Jacob regret last night? No, he wouldn’t be asking for Jaehyun’s phone if that was the case. Unless...

“You know, last night was…” Jacob pauses to wet his lips. His big, pretty eyes are set on Jaehyun. “Really great.”

“It really was,” Jaehyun says. Softly. Honest.

“I was wondering—God, I’m sorry, I’m nervous. Why am I so nervous?”

“I don’t know, but you look adorable.”

That gets him a smile. Jacob rolls his eyes. “Shut up. What I’m asking is, was that a one-time thing for you?”

“No,” Jaehyun says right away. “Not at all.”

“Oh. Ok. Good.”

Jacob’s shoulders sag in relief. He really does look adorable, much of the self-assurance from last night now melted down to something more vulnerable, easy to decode. Jaehyun wants to think—wants to hope—that it means what he thinks it means. That Jacob was just as affected as Jaehyun was by what happened between them. He knows it’s in part wishful thinking, but it’s so easy to daydream when Jacob is existing right next to him.

So he gambles.

“What are you doing later?”

“Uh, nothing. I mean, I gotta get back with Kevin now, we promised Mr Choi we’d be back for lunch…”

“After that? Say, around 6?”

Jacob stares at him for a second. He looks so pretty. Jaehyun was right, it wasn’t about the bomber jacket, just like it’s not about the coral t-shirt now (even though it does do wonders to his broad shoulders). It’s just a Jacob thing, looking this effortlessly, endlessly pretty.

“I’m free, yeah. Why?”

“I could show you around town. The theater is great and I love it, but it’s not the only thing to see around here. We have some more hot spots,” Jaehyun exaggerates his pronunciation of hot stops to be funny. It makes Jacob laugh.

“Sure. I’d like to see these hot stops,” Jacob mimics his pronunciation and makes both of them laugh this time. “If you’re offering.”

“I am. Pick you up at 6? At Chanhee’s?”

“Yup. I’ll be there!” Jacob says, then frowns and shakes his head, embarrassed. “I mean, of course I’ll be there. Where else would I be? Forget I said that. 6 o’clock. Copy that.”

Jaehyun wants to kiss him for that, but contents himself with a laugh and a promise to be there on the dot.

Later, when Jaehyun picks him up, they drive around for a while. It’s remarkably easy to fall into the rhythm of their conversation again, as if they never stopped in the first place. Jaehyun keeps his promise and points to some key locations around town: the bowling alley, the best (and only, but Jaehyun is adamant it is also the best) ice cream shop in town, Lee’s Diner. Juyeon isn’t working today, which is why Jaehyun doesn’t suggest they stop there now—and also because he has time-sensitive plans for their last stop, but he doesn’t mention that. He does comment that they can always stop for burgers on the way back, if they feel like it.

“Wait, that tailor is called Lee’s too?” Jacob asks, turning on his seat as they drive past the place. “Is that Juyeon’s family’s too?”

Jaehyun laughs. “No. We have a different Lee’s in every corner, pretty much. All belonging to a different family. I think we’re just not very creative.”

“You’re a Lee too, though, right? And your dad gave his store a different name. What a rebel.”

“‘Kimmi’ is just ‘Kim Miyoung’ shortened, my mom’s name,” Jaehyun explains, tickled. “But hey, if you know the store is my dad’s, that means Chanhee did gossip about me.”

Jacob winces, guilty and very obvious about it. “Kevin did. Technically. But only because I wanted to know where I could find you, and he mentioned you could be at the store, so I got curious…”

Jaehyun teases him about it for a while longer, until Jacob is laughing so hard his cheeks are pink. He looks so happy. It’s such an incredible feeling to Jaehyun, knowing he’s at least partially responsible for that smile, that he can’t help but feel happy, too, chest warm and inconceivably full.

The last stop is the lake. That’s when Jaehyun finally parks his car, leading Jacob through the short open trail until they’re at the edge of the water. They’ve been talking on the way, so Jacob stops short in the middle of a sentence once he takes in the view in front of him, mouth dropping open.

The sunlight is reflecting off the surface of the lake, the soft breeze creating that beautiful, picturesque effect of a distorted sun a little ways into the water. There’s a wooden pier right in front of them, but not much else. They can see a family home all the way across the lake to the left, but it’s so far away it’s no bigger than an apple from this distance.

“There’s another pier close by,” Jaehyun explains, pointing to their right. “Folks would rather go fishing there because apparently the fishes hate this one, or something, I’m not sure. All I know is that this one here is empty more often than not.”

Jacob still looks awed. He closes his eyes for a moment and inhales deeply. “Oh, this is nice.”

Jaehyun takes his hand to lead him to the pier, emboldened by the fact that Jacob seems to like his not-quite-surprise, and feels his heart leap in his chest when Jacob smiles at him, radiant and warm.

Being around Jacob is far easier than Jaehyun would have expected. If you had told him a week before that he would meet a stranger, kiss him, have sex with him, and then proceed to act perfectly natural around him the next day, like it’s nothing out of the ordinary, Jaehyun wouldn’t have believed you. Not even if the whole guy thing wasn’t at play, really—Jaehyun was never this unfazed at the prospect of dating or meeting people. When the idea wasn’t straight-up nerve-wracking, it was just… boring. There was no in-between. Anxiety-inducing or boring. Never this good, and never this right. Nothing ever felt the way it does now.

But he guesses it makes sense. No one else is Jacob.

A part of him is scared of how intense it all feels. He knows it’s reckless, putting so much faith in a guy he knows very little about, letting his feelings run wild without trying to rein any of it back in. It’s reckless, and a little stupid. But it’s a really small part of him worrying about that. Because at the end of the day, what does he have to lose? Even if Jacob up and leaves the next day without as much as a goodbye, Jaehyun will still have that night with him. That is so much more than what he had before Jacob came into his life. So much more than what he would have now, if Jacob hadn’t come in.

Juyeon told him to look for a sign. What better sign than a chance to just live, even if for a short while?

They sit at the end of the pier and talk about nothing in particular. Jaehyun tells him about the time Youngjae dropped his phone in the lake by accident, about his older sister’s passion for swimming and how she was the one who told him about this spot, about his (now overcome) fear of water. All the time he’s trying not to get too distracted by the way sunlight hits Jacob’s face, how it makes his long lashes more evident, his eyes a dark brown instead of the black Jaehyun saw under fluorescent lights and stage lighting.

Jacob is relaxed, leaning back propped up on his hands, listening with a smile and telling Jaehyun stories of his own. How lakes remind him of home, how he bikes by the Han River in Seoul just to get closer to the water, how once he and Kevin went to the beach and Jacob got such a bad sunburn that when it was time to go back home, he couldn’t put his shirt back on without hissing in pain.

Sometimes, especially when he’s talking about Toronto, his voice will slip into a lower pitch. Jaehyun finds it fascinating, asks him about it; Jacob laughs, tells him he’s always doing that without meaning to, a habit born out of circumstance, from growing up using two different languages for different things.

“It’s actually pretty common,” Jacob explains. “It’s not a me thing.”

“Does Kevin do it?”

Jacob tilts his head, thinking. “I’m not sure? But I don’t think so...”

“Then it kinda is a you thing,” Jaehyun counters, laughing when Jacob slaps his arm playfully. “Hey, that’s good! Anything that’s a you thing is a good thing.”

Jacob shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “You’re cheesy.”

“Guilty as charged,” Jaehyun says.

Jacob doesn’t say anything to that. They just look at each other for a moment too long, the silence feeling more and more charged the longer it stays. Jaehyun can’t tell what Jacob is thinking, but he knows what’s going through his own head: he wants to kiss Jacob. It’s pretty straightforward and clear-cut. There’s no questioning himself this time.

So he does just that.

He leans in to catch Jacob’s lips in his. It’s a soft, gentle kiss; Jacob lets out a small noise of surprise but responds to it immediately, hand coming up to Jaehyun’s neck. Jaehyun takes his time, doesn’t rush it. He wants to savor it, commit the texture of Jacob’s lips to memory, and maybe, with some luck, stop time altogether so that they don’t have to part again any time soon.

Jaehyun doesn’t remember the last time he kissed someone like this, just for the sake of kissing, not as a means to an end. It’s good, really good, and by the time they part to watch the sunset—which was the whole point of coming here in the first place—Jaehyun feels a little lightheaded. He figures it might have something to do with how fast his heart is beating, more than anything else.

“It’s a good thing, you know.”

Jaehyun looks down at Jacob curiously. Jacob has been leaning his cheek against Jaehyun’s shoulder, but now he rests his chin on it instead to meet his eyes.

“The fact that you’re cheesy. That’s good.” His eyes are so incredibly soft. He looks back towards the lake. “This is amazing. Thank you for bringing me here.”

The words to say you don’t need to thank me get stuck in Jaehyun’s throat. He licks his lips, swallows dry, and tries to look back at the lake too, at the light reflected on the water for the last few moments before the sun is gone behind the hills.

But he can’t. He looks at Jacob instead. Stares, because he can’t help it.

It’s when they’re driving back that Jaehyun wonders if he should say something, or if asking Jacob to go out with him again would sound too much like a desperate move. It might, right? He doesn’t even know for how much longer Jacob is staying in town. Maybe he wants to spend more time with his friends—that would be understandable. Jaehyun doesn’t want to push Jacob into a corner where he needs to justify himself for saying no, but he’s thinking of Jacob that morning, unsure if Jaehyun would want to see him again.

They stop by the diner briefly to grab milkshakes. Jacob gets back into the car first, then holds both of their orders while Jaehyun puts his seatbelt on. When they drive onto the street, Jacob hands him his cup again and very naturally lets his hand fall on top of Jaehyun’s thigh. Jaehyun’s heart skips a beat; he takes a sip of his milkshake to try and hide his smile, but it’s obvious that he fails, because he catches Jacob smirking with the corner of his eyes.

“What are you doing this week?”

Jacob shrugs. “Nothing much. Why?”

“Just wondering,” Jaehyun says. “Still plenty to show you in town.”

“You’re not busy during the week? I don’t want to bother you.”

“Jacob, I work part-time for my dad selling furniture. I have so much free time I don’t know what to do with it.”

Jacob laughs at that, lightly squeezing Jaehyun’s thigh. “Then I’m happy to have you as my guide.”

“How long are you staying in town?”

“A little over a month to go still.”

“Oh.” Jaehyun isn’t expecting the relief that washes over him. On autopilot, because that’s what he defaults to when he’s caught off-guard, he jokes, “I hope I don’t bore you to death until then.”

Another gentle squeeze to his thigh. Comforting, like Jacob can tell he’s using humor to mask something else.

“I don’t think you need to worry about that,” Jacob reassures him.

Jaehyun wasn’t lying—he does have a lot of free time.

His job keeps him busy every other morning for a 5-hour shift, and he helps around the house (particularly with cleaning since he can’t really cook), but other than that, he’s pretty much always free. Juyeon has a similar schedule, though their shifts don’t usually overlap because Juyeon works into the evening. When they’re not playing simple games at each other’s jobs, they’re at the gym or at the basketball court by the main square, burning their hours away at machines, dance routines, or whatever sport they can find a ball for.

Jaehyun’s routine doesn’t change much for the next two weeks, even though he wishes it would. He knows it’s very childish of him to expect to see Jacob every day, but he has a hard time explaining that to himself, because he wants to. He just does. It almost feels like a teen crush, something he would’ve had in high school. But Jacob doesn’t want to ditch Kevin and Chanhee too often, as much as they seem to have fun together just fine the two of them; it would be wrong, Jacob explains, and rude. Jaehyun understands (he really does).

But even if they’re not seeing each other every day like Jaehyun irrationally wishes they would, they still meet up to hang out more often than he was expecting. He takes Jacob to the bowling alley on Wednesday, the perfect day for it, according to him, and then takes him to the ice cream shop on Thursday for the short window between his shift at the store and Jacob’s plans with his friends. On Sunday, they hit the lake again, this time with swimming shorts and a bag full of fresh tangerines Jaehyun stopped to buy on his way to Chanhee’s place. 

It’s fun, being around Jacob. He finds he loves to hear Jacob’s opinions on every topic under the sun—kindness seems to be his default, even for things he doesn’t understand or agree on, but he has some surprising strong opinions too, for apparently the most random things. They have a hilarious argument over mint choco that ends only when Jacob kisses Jaehyun to shut him up, since Jaehyun can’t stop laughing. It’s Jacob who laughs a few days later, when he mentions offhandedly that he never watched any of the Iron Man movies, only the Avengers ones, because “Tony Stark is one of my least favorites, anyway” and Jaehyun stares at him in utter shock.

So for the next two weeks, Jaehyun keeps his promise. He shows Jacob his favorite spots in town, introduces him to some of the best food he’ll ever taste—again, his words—and gets indescribable joy in return. He knows he’s not being subtle about it, but that’s ok. Jaehyun doubts there was ever anything for him to hide after that first weekend. Whatever he’s feeling, Jacob gets total access to it, if not by words, then directly from his lips.

And man, is he feeling things.

Getting to know Jacob better doesn’t dissolve what Jaehyun compares to a crush in his head; if anything, it amplifies it. He’s more endeared with each passing day, more and more charmed by the soft and rough lines of Jacob’s face, the ridges and valleys of his voice. Jacob is brimming with something so bright that Jaehyun has a hard time believing no one else can see it—how come Jacob is here, with him, and not somewhere else, letting some other person take his hand? How did Jaehyun get to be the one doing all of this?

He thinks a lot about fate, and signs, when it’s late at night and he’s alone in his room. He tries to rationalize it, like with everything else: he’s enjoying this, the gift of Jacob’s company, while it lasts. It won’t, because Jacob will go back to his life in Seoul, maybe find someone who’s not Jaehyun to take his hand, too, and Jaehyun will still be here. Going to work, coming back home for lunch, meeting Juyeon to play cards, watching TV, going to bed, rinse and repeat. That’s what he signed up for.

Is it?

It doesn’t matter what kind of complicated feelings he has about his own life, he can’t drag Jacob into it. It would be so unfair to him, to muddle a life so full of color with Jaehyun’s gray hues. He might’ve been a sign from the universe, sent to remind Jaehyun that there’s still a life to be lived and space to grow within himself, but that doesn’t mean Jaehyun isn’t thinking about Jacob’s feelings and how he’s going to come out on the other side of this self-contained, short-lived dream. He doesn’t want to make Jacob responsible for something he didn’t ask for.

And it’s easy not to think about it when it’s just the two of them too. Jacob’s presence itself soothes the worst of Jaehyun’s anxiety, his kisses still breathing life into him, ever since that first night.

(They end up back at the theater on three different nights, and every time Jaehyun wonders if he has ever had it in him to come this hard, or if Jacob is somehow made of magic, like a heaven-sent angel with no wings but an extraordinary ability to touch Jaehyun until he feels like his veins are running liquid fire and he can’t do much more than melt from inside out.)

It’s by the end of the second week, on Friday, that they end up back at Jaehyun’s place for a quiet afternoon in, catching up on some TV. Jaehyun’s parents are out, so they’re in the living room, taking up the bigger couch. Their empty glasses of mango juice are on the coffee table next to their phones.

They hear a car coming down the street, and for a second Jaehyun thinks it’s his mom, back early from her book club. Instantly, he pulls his legs from where they’ve been resting on Jacob’s lap. The car drives by the house and keeps going, so Jaehyun brings his feet up again.

Jacob watches him, curious. He touches Jaehyun’s ankle, circles it with his fingers distractedly as he looks for the words he so clearly wants to say. He must find them, because he grabs the remote to pause the episode. 

“Can I ask you something?”

Jaehyun nods. “Always.”

“It’s kinda personal.”

“All the better.”

The corners of Jacob’s lips twitch, but he makes an effort to be serious.

“You’re not… out, are you?”

“No,” Jaehyun says. “I didn’t know I had to come out until quite recently, to be honest.”

Jacob nods. Jaehyun imagines he figured that out a while ago, maybe right after the first time they met, but they never really discussed it. There was no need, in Jaehyun’s mind, to bring it up. It was obvious enough, had been since the beginning. And Jacob, in what Jaehyun is learning is typical Jacob fashion, let him set the pace and the rules, never questioning why their kisses always happened behind closed doors or away from curious eyes.

“I have another question.”

“Oh, I’m into this,” Jaehyun teases, snuggling deeper into the couch. “Jacob Bae, curious about me. Must be my lucky day.”

Jacob snorts and jokingly pinches the side of Jaehyun’s feet, making him laugh. 

“Not the feet, I’m ticklish!”

“Good to know!” Jacob chirps, making a pretend angry face that is probably the cutest thing Jaehyun has ever seen. It dissipates into a smile again when he says, “I was gonna ask if you’re coming tomorrow. To Chanhee’s barbecue thing.”

“Ah, right,” Jaehyun remembers now. Kevin’s invite, which Jaehyun heard through their perpetual middleman, Juyeon. “Juyeonie mentioned that last night. Who will be there?”

“Just us, really. And you, and Juyeon, and a couple of their friends,” Jacob says. His voice is back to gentle, and a little hesitant, too. “It’s a really small thing, just because we’ve been planning to each cook something while Chanhee’s parents are out of town. Take over the kitchen, sort of.”

Jaehyun can almost picture it, the havoc that combination of people would wreak in the kitchen. But there will be time to tease Jacob about it. Right now, he knows there’s still a conversation to be had.

“Would you like me to go?”

The answer comes fast. “Yes,” Jacob says right away. “Unless you don’t want to, because it’s ok if you don’t. But I’d—I’d love it if you could come.”

Before Jaehyun can say anything, Jacob lifts his feet from his lap to scoot a little closer, until Jaehyun’s knees are over his lap instead.

“We can keep a distance,” Jacob continues, softer. “Just be friends hanging out like friends. That would be totally fine too.”

“No, I don’t mind,” Jaehyun says. It surprises him a little, his own conviction. It scares him, too. He always considered too much confidence a sign of danger. “I mean, I say that now, but things may change when I’m there with everyone else, because I’ve never—This is all pretty new to me.”

“I know, baby.”

Baby. Jaehyun tries to focus on the conversation and not on the way his stomach goes all sorts of funny upon hearing that. 

“And my anxiety sometimes gets the better of me,” he adds. “So I can’t say for sure I’ll be super relaxed and not awkward at all, but I don’t think we need to act like this isn’t happening... I don’t want to do that, not to our friends, at least. Maybe it’s time I tell them.”

Jacob worries at his bottom lip, apprehension clear on his face. He cups Jaehyun’s cheeks and leans in to give him a peck on the lips. “There’s no rush to tell them, or anyone else.”

“You don’t think I should?”

“I think…” Jacob pulls back to meet his eyes. He sighs. “I think it’s up to you, really. If you feel safe to do that. Because they’re your friends, and this is your life. I’m just a guest here. And I just—I don’t want you to go through anything alone after I’m gone? If that makes sense?”

It does. He’s worried about the hypothetical aftermath of Jaehyun coming out, even though there’s no real reason for it, and that warms Jaehyun’s heart so much. He takes the hand Jacob still has on his cheek and brings it to his lips, to leave a kiss on his palm. 

“Did anyone ever tell you you’re an angel?”

“Jaehyun…”

Jacob looks ready to argue, exasperated, still worried, so Jaehyun kisses his palm again and says, “I’ll be fine. I promise.”

And because Jacob is still frowning, he leaves a kiss between his brows, then another on his cheek. 

“This is not me being impulsive, this is just me being me,” he explains. “I’d rather be honest, especially with the people I care about.”

“You’re not scared?” Jacob searches his eyes. 

“No,” Jaehyun says, truthfully. “Either because I know the friends I have, or because it’s hard to be scared of anything when I’m around you.” He brushes a loose strand of hair away from Jacob’s face. “Were you scared? When you did this for the first time?”

Jacob nods. “Terrified. But then again, I was scared of a lot of things back then. Still am, kinda.”

The first thought that pops into Jaehyun’s head is that Jacob shouldn’t be scared—shouldn’t have to be scared, about anything, and that Jaehyun would do anything to make sure of that. He knows it’s irrational to ever wish for something of the sort, because fear is natural, part of what makes us human, and wishing someone to never fear anything ever again in life is just illogical.

Still. 

“Do you want us to keep a distance?” Jaehyun asks in a whisper, just to make sure he’s not missing something. “I won’t ask why, if you do.”

Jacob shakes his head vehemently and kisses him again, this time for a second longer. “No,” he says. He kisses Jaehyun one more time. “No, I wanna be with you.”

He doesn’t have to expand on that, because the kiss that follows says enough. It nearly sends Jaehyun into overdrive, the intensity of that kiss after hearing those words in particular. They mean something very specific, but Jaehyun has been having a hard time being strictly logical these days, so they stir something else in him.

It’s like the words strike a match inside of him and give him a spark of hope. Unexpected and uninvited, but so pronounced right from the start.

Jaehyun does question that this time.

Chanhee’s place is nice.

Jaehyun has never been inside, though he has of course driven past it more than once. It sits between the heart of town and the road that leads to the interstate, an old family home that has all the charm of a farmhouse while still being close enough to be within walking distance of the main square.

It’s reassuring that he doesn’t have to walk in there alone. He was right when he predicted that his boldness might turn into nervousness once he got there, but he doesn’t have to do much with Juyeon by his side. His friend is all smiles and friendly energy, and he gets a laugh out of everyone in the sunlit backyard when he hands Chanhee a bottle of wine like an extra polite guest. He instantly draws the group’s attention, so Jaehyun gets a free pass to nod a shy hello to the others and sit down at the empty table.

Jacob comes out of the house and into the backyard not a minute later, bringing a dish with him. He sees Jaehyun there as he sets it down on the table, giving him a big smile and a delighted, “Jaehyun, hey. You came!”

“I did,” Jaehyun breathes out, caught off guard, like he somehow forgot how pretty Jacob was before getting here. Jacob is in a yellow flannel with a gray tee underneath, the sleeves rolled back to his elbows. “You look—”

Someone sits down next to Jaehyun just then, reaching for the dish Jacob just put down. “Oh, hyung, that looks nice,” Sunwoo says. He starts piling spoonful after spoonful of colorful rice on his plate. “What’s in it?”

“Assorted vegetables!” Jacob declares proudly. He meets Jaehyun’s eyes and they smile at each other, holding back laughter with the interruption. “No tomatoes, though. Chanhee wouldn’t let me.”

Jaehyun doesn’t know Sunwoo all that well, only that he filled in the position of the school’s star athlete after Jaehyun graduated, and now goes to college in a neighboring town. He’s friends with Haknyeon too, the guy Jaehyun shares shifts with at the store when he’s not at college and whose laughter is currently ringing loud from where he’s talking to the others by the grill. And maybe because Jaehyun isn’t that familiar with Sunwoo, he feels a little intimidated now. Just a little. Enough that he follows the conversation with a smile but doesn’t add anything.

He does meet Jacob’s eyes again, though—while Sunwoo is distracted by his food and rambling about a story involving Chanhee and tomatoes—and mouths a timid, You look good. Jacob’s eyes are tender when he mouths back, You too.

They don’t get a chance to say much more because Juyeon calls him over to ask him something crucial to the story he’s telling, and Jaehyun lets himself be brought into conversation. With Haknyeon there, he’s less of an observer, because the scales aren’t tipped entirely in favor of Juyeon and his same-age friends. So from there on, Jaehyun tries to let himself relax a little more. He’s still not as obnoxiously loud as he’d be hanging out with, say, Juyeon, Youngjae, and Sangyeon, but he’s comfortable enough to let loose, and that’s already a lot.

Jacob looks like he’s having fun too, even if more subdued than when it’s just the two of them. Much like Jaehyun himself, he looks a little more shy in a big group like this, more comfortable letting the others carry the conversation. But he looks happy, and content to have Jaehyun there, glowing bright every time their eyes meet.

It’s always in the back of his mind, however, how Jaehyun could reach over any time and take Jacob’s hand in his. Jacob doesn’t ask him to, sitting next to him at the table once when they’re eating but letting Jaehyun make the call of when—or if—he wants to do any more than that. Patient, like he always is, much more understanding than Jaehyun expects anyone to be. 

The food is great, and they gorge themselves on meat and grilled fruit until the only ones still coming back to the grill are Chanhee and Haknyeon. The rest is lazing around in the chairs scattered in the backyard, drinking and chatting the afternoon away. It’s both relaxing and terribly cliché, Jaehyun thinks; the picture of Saturday in their small town, drinking in someone’s backyard while the cicadas sing in the distance.

Jaehyun follows conversation, but he lets his mind wander, too. Imagining if the reason why he’s hesitating to be completely open about his affection for Jacob is because he’s scared—which seems unlikely, no matter how much he thinks about it—or if it’s something else. 

Maybe, he reasons, he’s just unsure of where that would land them. Would it change things, if their friends knew? Would it weigh on them, sharing something that has felt so personal and so theirs with other people? Would it make Jacob reconsider everything? Juyeon was right—Jaehyun does feel anxious when he can’t be completely sure of what to expect. He’s a planner at heart, and there’s no way to plan for this, which could explain why he’s hesitating. 

But then again, planning ahead never really did a lot for him, did it?

And it’s there, in Chanhee’s backyard, watching his friends, that Jaehyun understands that maybe there is no real reason he should be holding himself back like this.

Chanhee is at the grill, cutting more meat to go with his beer, so Haknyeon stands up to grab some, too. He’s watching Chanhee cut up the food into small pieces while Chanhee corrects the story Kevin is telling about the time Kevin’s sister drove them for a concert two towns away. Juyeon is listening intently, an endeared and slightly tipsy smile on his face, and Jacob is on the two-seat patio swing, less tipsy but just as amused.

That’s when Sunwoo stands up and peeks over Haknyeon’s shoulder, probably just as interested in the food. Jaehyun watches as Haknyeon, cheeks full and lips glossy after plucking some meat from the plate, leans in and kisses his cheek, laughing when Sunwoo tries to squirm away and wipe at his face. It’s cute, really cute, because Sunwoo enacts revenge by doing the exact same thing to him, and then Haknyeon is laughing even harder, not really trying to escape the onslaught of kisses. For a brief, sweet moment, they’re in a world of their own, lost in each other. 

And that’s when it dawns on Jaehyun that he somehow misunderstood the nature of their relationship until now.

He must’ve been the only one, because no one bats an eye at their antics. Chanhee is still insisting Kevin did not lose a ring at the concert, and Kevin is insisting he did, and Jacob is asking which ring and why does that matter, and that sends the conversation into a whole different rabbit hole because then they’re talking about friendship rings, and Juyeon is chiming in that he still has his, from the time their class got matching sets. No one really pays attention to Haknyeon giving Sunwoo a peck on the lips before he goes back to the grill to grab more food, or to the way Sunwoo looks all smitten when he does.

It’s by watching them that Jaehyun wonders why he’s denying himself that kind of joy. Why he should ever deny Jacob that, someone who Jaehyun is so sure deserves that brand of easy affection and so much more. His heart is speeding up with the realization that he was right—he’s not scared, not really. There’s nothing to be afraid of. He’s just overthinking it. Giving it too much thought when maybe he should, for once in his life, let his heart overrule his mind.

He stands up and walks over to the swing. Jacob sees him coming, eyes just as bright as they’ve been all day, but still a little intrigued when Jaehyun sits next to him. It’s only when Jaehyun drapes an arm over the back of the seat and Jacob’s shoulder that Jacob seems to understand. His face lights up, cheeks impossibly high with how hard he’s smiling.

“Mind sharing?” Jaehyun asks in a quiet voice, for his ears only. “You looked so comfy over here.”

Jacob shakes his head minutely. “Not at all.”

Heart beating hard and fast inside his chest—Jacob looks so pretty, he smells so nice, he’s so close, how did Jaehyun manage to stand apart for so long?—Jaehyun gives him a tender, lingering kiss on the cheek. Jacob finds his hand on his shoulder, gives it a squeeze before lacing their fingers together.

Jaehyun is so incredibly happy.

That doesn’t go unnoticed, but Jaehyun finds that he doesn’t mind it. He winks at Juyeon when his friend does a double take, and pretends not to notice Kevin is suddenly much louder and effusive like someone doing his best to act natural and failing miserably.

He shouldn’t deny himself the warmth of Jacob’s body next to his like this, Jaehyun decides. What he feels for Jacob is something he’s never felt before in his life. Just thinking about ignoring it or downplaying it now feels ridiculous. 

Especially considering they don’t have much time.

And that scares him, thinking that there’s a time limit to this. He doesn’t want to think about it, brushing it to the back of his mind as soon as the thought comes up. Jacob is staying for another two weeks, and that should be enough. Jaehyun can enjoy it while it lasts. All he needs to do is think about the present, and not the future.

Easier said than done, but he’s too happy to worry about that now.

Chapter Text

The theater is Jaehyun’s favorite place in town for many reasons.

It’s one of the few places from his childhood that hasn’t changed much—the sound system is relatively new, but other than that, it still feels the same as it did when he was on stage being someone else for a few minutes at a time. It still very much looks like it too, the same safe haven where he spent so much of his time as a teen, when he wasn’t at the baseball field or over at Younghoon’s.

Add to that his stint as a stagehand for the past few months, and he’s been in here enough times to notice right away when something is off.

As soon as the door swings shut behind him, he pauses. There’s light coming from up ahead, from way further into the theater. He usually keeps two lights on way back here, just so it’s easier for anyone coming in for one reason or another to see the way ahead without fumbling for the switch, but never inside the theater. The instructions he received when he first got the position were clear and specifically asked him to avoid keeping any unnecessary lights on, especially in the summer.

Jaehyun pulls his phone out of his pocket, slowly, wondering if he should call someone. The police, maybe? It wouldn’t be the first time someone tried to make easy money off microphones and a couple of computer screens.

In the minute he’s considering what to do, his phone starts vibrating in his hands. It’s in silent mode, like it always is when it’s in his pocket. He picks up the call when he sees who it is.

“Kevin, hey,” he says, as quietly as he can. He starts taking slow, careful steps inside too, ready to either finish the call or scream for help, depending on what he finds. “What’s up?”

“Hi, hyung. Sorry to bother you, but is Jacob with you by any chance?”

Jaehyun stops. “Jacob? No, I haven’t seen him since yesterday.”

There’s muffled conversation, like Kevin covered the phone to talk to someone else next to him. Then he’s back. “Ok. Can you please let me know if you see him? Just like, text, or call...”

It’s not hard to put two and two together. Not when Jaehyun’s brain is working furiously like it is now, alarms sounding in his head at Kevin’s cryptic request. He starts walking again, this time with purpose, towards the stage.

“Kevin, what happened? Is Jacob ok?”

“I’d rather not say anything right now, just… Let me know if you see him, please?”

The concern in Kevin’s tone is clear enough to pierce Jaehyun through the heart like a dagger. Something must’ve happened. Something must’ve happened to Jacob. Jaehyun’s pulse quickens, stomach churning with worry as he jogs the last few steps towards the stage—

He exhales when he sees Jacob there, sitting at the edge of the stage with his knees to his chest, staring at the empty audience.

“Found him,” Jaehyun says into the phone. Jacob looks back at the sound of his voice, but then looks away to hide his face and wipe at his eyes. “I’ll get back to you.”

“Oh, thank god—”

Jaehyun finishes the call. He’ll worry about hanging up on Kevin like that later, when he can think of it. Right now, his attention is entirely on Jacob, who’s still wiping at his face with the sleeves of his sweater. Jaehyun steps closer.

“Jacob?”

“Hi,” Jacob says. His voice comes out rather watery; Jaehyun’s still bleeding heart clenches painfully. Jacob clears his throat, turns to smile at him. “Sorry, hey. I’m sorry.”

Jaehyun sits down next to him. He gives Jacob some space, because he can’t be sure Jacob would welcome an arm around him right now, as much as Jaehyun is dying to hold him close to his chest and never let go. The skin around Jacob’s eyes is a little red, and the tip of his nose is pink. It’s obvious he’s been crying his eyes out, even if the tears aren’t running anymore.

“Why are you apologizing?” Jaehyun asks, gentle, worried.

“For breaking in?” Jacob huffs out a weak laugh, “I mean, I didn’t technically—The door was unlocked, because it always is, you said it yourself, but still...”

His eyes are big, bright, and there’s a tinge of something in them; the kind of anxious look Jaehyun has seen in the mirror countless times before.

“Jacob—” Jaehyun goes to touch his arm, so used by now to the familiarity, but he stops himself right before he makes contact. Jacob gives him a couple of short, quick nods to let him know that it’s ok, so Jaehyun places his hand on his arm and strokes a thumb over the soft fabric of his sweater. “Baby, what happened?”

Something about his words makes Jacob smile. It’s not his characteristic big smile, but it’s there. He shakes his head, takes a deep breath, looks at the empty audience again. Jaehyun doesn’t rush him—he barely dares breathe. He knows, in that moment, that he can wait all night if that’s what Jacob needs.

“This wasn’t just a vacation. Like, I didn’t just follow Kevin here for no reason.”

That’s not what Jaehyun was expecting, so he adjusts his expectations. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been… struggling,” Jacob says, voice so quiet it’s closer to a whisper. He meets Jaehyun’s eyes, swallows dry. “I don’t know why, exactly, but I started having these sort of, uhm, panic attacks? A few months ago. Kevin thought some time away from the city might be good, and my therapist thought it couldn’t hurt, so...”

It doesn’t seem like he’s finished, so Jaehyun waits. He keeps his hand on Jacob’s arm, comforting, supportive.

“It only ever happened a few times, so it’s not that bad. But it’s still… not nice? And it did help, coming here, I think. At least it made me see I haven’t been very kind to myself lately.”

Jaehyun licks his lips. He considers his words for a second. “And tonight?”

“Just a close call. Because I was—” Jacob lets out a shaky breath and looks down. Jaehyun wonders if he’ll start crying again, but he doesn’t. He just looks tired when he makes eye contact again. “I got scared thinking that I have to leave soon.”

“You think going back to the city is a bad idea?”

Jacob shakes his head. “It’s not that. I just don’t wanna leave you.”

Before Jaehyun can think to react, stomach flipping at the sudden influx of emotions in his system—guilt being the most prevalent one, at the idea that he’s part of the reason for Jacob’s tears—Jacob continues. 

“God, it’s so silly to get this worked up about it, though,” he says, covering his face for a moment and groaning in frustration. His tone betrays irritation, verging on anger, something Jaehyun hasn’t seen coming from him yet. He drops his hands to add, “Because I could always come back, right? I mean, I don’t know if—if you’d wanna see me again, but it’s not the end of the world. This isn’t goodbye unless we say it is, but my brain wouldn’t listen to me. Because I’m always so scared of everything, all the time, which is so freaking stupid…”

“You’re really not very kind to yourself, are you?”

A tiny, anxious laugh bubbles past Jacob’s lips, “Not really, but like, am I wrong?”

“I think you’re being unfair, at the very least,” Jaehyun says. Jacob looks at him—really looks. “It’s not stupid to be scared. And I don’t think you need to downplay your own feelings as if they’re not important. If something bothers you, if it’s causing you pain, or discomfort, then it is bad, and you’re allowed to admit that. To yourself, if nothing else.”

There’s a moment of silence as Jacob just watches his face, and Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, either. He doesn’t think he’s in any position to offer advice, but he also doesn’t think he can just let Jacob beat himself up like this. He knows it’s a thin line between candor and tactlessness, and he treads that line carefully, aware that sometimes the truth hurts more than it helps. 

“And it doesn’t have to end here,” he adds, letting affection seep into his words, trying to staunch the bleeding of his heart and only making it worse with how intensely he means every word he’s saying. “You’re right, it’s not goodbye unless we say it is.”

Jaehyun’s feelings must come across in his voice because this time, Jacob does have to hold back tears. He furrows his brows and takes a deep breath, eyes blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay.

When he exhales, he says, “I’ve been feeling so angry at myself lately. For always doubting myself, always letting fear have the last word. Wondering if I should’ve somehow forced myself to try another career, or another path, or if I should’ve stayed back home, or something. If any of that would’ve made me a braver person, maybe? And then I met you, and you’re just so—”

“Boring?”

That gets a laugh out of Jacob. “You’re bold. You just do things,” he explains. “Like nothing ever scares you.”

“That’s not true. At all.”

Jacob searches his eyes. “It’s not?”

“No.” Jaehyun shakes his head. “I think I just have a different reaction to fear. I react by acting, because I don’t know what else to do. And that doesn’t mean I have it all figured out, either. Far from that.”

“What do you mean?”

Jaehyun knows there’s nowhere else he’d rather be right now than here, doing this with Jacob, but the prospect of baring his soul still makes his heart stutter in his chest. The idea of opening yourself up to someone else like this means making yourself vulnerable, something Jaehyun was never very fond of.

But that was before. Isn’t that exactly what Jacob taught him these past few weeks? What he’s teaching Jaehyun now, letting him see a side of himself he doesn’t feel proud of, that he struggles to make peace with? Jacob has taught him that intimacy begets vulnerability, and vice versa.

It seems absurd now that Jaehyun ever thought he could keep his own doubts to himself, when he so willingly let Jacob see everything else about him, and when Jacob let him see so much in return.

“I know a thing or two about second-guessing myself,” he smirks. “For a while now I’ve been… I think I’ve been reconsidering my decision to stay behind when everyone around me left. Most of my friends left to chase bigger things, bigger dreams. It made me question my place here, and in the world, and if this is really where I wanna be. Who I wanna be. You know what I mean?”

It’s a rhetorical question, but Jacob nods and says, softly, “Yeah.”

Suddenly, Jaehyun is reminded of the first night they met. The same kind of empathetic understanding, except now Jaehyun knows where it’s coming from. 

“You get it,” he says, in awe. “You always did. When I first told you about my ex, you knew what I was talking about when I said I couldn’t love her.”

“I did,” Jacob confirms, very gentle and careful. “I didn’t realize you were still figuring it out, though.”

How curious, that in the middle of his own personal storm, Jacob found it in him to pay attention. 

If only he could offer himself that same kindness. Jaehyun doesn’t want to overwhelm an already overwhelmed Jacob by pointing that out now, but he hopes he can show him that some other time, give him the same kind of lifeline Jacob offered him that first night, and all the nights after. Give him a hand to hold, at least.

“For what it’s worth,” he says. “I think you’re braver than you give yourself credit for. Because it takes guts to be kind and to chase happiness in a world that always tries so hard to push you in the other direction.”

“You always know what to say,” Jacob says, floored. "You say you don't, but you kinda do."

Jaehyun smiles, pleased, but a little self-conscious. “Maybe you're just used to seeing the best in people.”

“God, you're bad at taking compliments,” Jacob jokes.

Jaehyun laughs, so relieved to see he’s feeling at least a bit better. His eyes are still puffy from crying, but it’s clear the worst has passed. To help with that, since it seems like Jacob doesn’t want to go back to crying now, Jaehyun goes for some honest humor. 

“Anyway. Adulting fucking sucks,” he says, happy to see it makes Jacob laugh again. “It really does. I thought I had my entire life planned out in front of me, that I’d get here and have it all sorted out. But it’s a scam, we don’t know shit. I don’t know shit. I thought I did, but man, was I wrong.”

“Adulthood is an illusion,” Jacob offers, sagely. “It’s something they made up to sell washing machines.”

Jaehyun cackles at that, and Jacob follows. It eases some of the weight on Jaehyun’s shoulders, the worry that has been piercing through his heart all this time.

“Can I ask you something weird?” Jacob says after a moment of comfortable silence. 

“Shoot.”

“How do you do it? Deal with all of it without looking for answers in a higher power?”

“Mm. Good question,” Jaehyun says. 

He lets himself mull over it for a second, nothing he hasn’t asked himself before, but something he never had to put into words, not even when the topic came up before in their many conversations. Jacob turns his body to him, forgoes the empty audience in favor of facing him, and waits. 

“The belief is there, I think, I just believe in something else. In myself, in the people I love.” He looks up to meet Jacob’s eyes without thinking. “The desire to make them happy is my higher power.”

“That’s incredible,” Jacob whispers. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, “Thank you.” 

“What for?”

“For answering. And for being honest,” Jacob explains. “And for being here right now. You didn’t have to do any of these things.”

“Do people usually lie to you?”

Jacob pauses, as if really giving it a thought. “Not really? It’s more like… People tend to walk around the truth? Especially back home, my family does that a lot. Not really lying, just not being totally honest, either.” Another pause. “I like that you don’t do that.”

Now Jaehyun leans in, slow and cautious, watching for a reaction that doesn’t come. Jacob welcomes the chaste kiss Jaehyun gives him with a happy sigh. It’s brief, soft, barely a grazing of lips, but he’s smiling when he pulls back, and so is Jacob. 

“Can I be honest one more time, then?”

“Please, always.”

“Whatever you chose was the right choice,” Jaehyun says. “Because there’s no such thing as right or wrong when it comes to these things. The choices we make are the right ones. We can change our minds later, but it doesn’t mean we chose wrong first. We just chose differently.”

This time, it’s Jacob who kisses him, both hands coming up to cup Jaehyun’s face. His lips carry so much, it’s so easy to taste the gratitude and affection he pours into the kiss, that Jaehyun lets his body answer in kind.

Something is brewing in the back of his mind, an idea he’s not about to voice out loud because he doesn’t think it’s the time for it, but he makes note of it and tucks it away in a corner of his brain for later. 

Because if it’s up to him, he decides right there and then, there will be a “later” for them.

Jaehyun finds his dad to ask for a favor two days later.

His relationship with his parents never saw much strife. In a way, he thinks his sister made things easier for him, always much more stubborn and louder than him, breaking in every hard conversation their parents ever had to have first, before Jaehyun could. So things are easy, always have been, at home. So much so that Jaehyun wonders, briefly, worriedly, if this could be the time things will change.

His dad, sitting at the dining table, levels him with a look over the top of his glasses, middle finger still hovering his trusted calculator.

“Time off the store? How much time?”

Jaehyun licks his lips, grips the back of the chair a little tighter. “I’m not sure... Could be a while.”

The blast doesn’t come. There’s no resentment, no disappointment when his dad nods. He understands. Maybe more than Jaehyun was expecting him to, which makes him think his dad might've waiting for this day to come for a while now.

Jaehyun’s honesty and people-reading skills had to come from somewhere, after all.

“Talk to your mother, too. She’d like to hear it from you,” he says, turning his attention back to his numbers. Jaehyun relaxes the grip he has on the back of the chair, ready to thank him and excuse himself, when his dad asks, casually, eyes still on the papers in front of him: “Should I find a permanent replacement for you?”

Jaehyun hesitates. But it doesn’t take him too long to say, “Probably, yeah.”

His dad nods again, smirking at his calculator, and doesn’t say anything else.

When Jaehyun knocks on Chanhee’s door later that afternoon, it’s Chanhee himself who opens the door for him. He doesn’t hide the look of surprise on his face seeing Jaehyun there, but he’s not rude about it. He glances over his shoulder before he squints at Jaehyun.

“Are you here for Jacob?”

“Nothing gets past you, huh.”

Chanhee rolls his eyes, but it’s good-natured. He turns around, shouting, “Jacob hyung! Someone’s here to see you!”

It’s loud, really loud, which clues Jaehyun in to the fact that maybe his parents aren’t home. When Chanhee turns to him again with a polite smile, he notices faint music coming from somewhere inside the house, too.

“Hurt him and I’ll gut you like a fish,” Chanhee says, still smiling.

Jaehyun smiles back. “You’d be doing me a favor.”

Jacob appears behind Chanhee just then with wide, curious eyes, wiping his hands on an apron that looks much too small for his build. “Sorry, did you say someone was—Oh. Jaehyun, hey.”

“Hi.”

“Gimme that,” Chanhee says, hooking a finger on the neck strap of the apron Jacob’s wearing. Jacob takes it off carefully and hands it to him, and then Chanhee is walking away from the door, not without a cheery “Have fun!” over his shoulder first.

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” Jaehyun says once he’s gone.

“Oh, please,” Jacob makes a dismissive gesture. He looks so good like this—relaxed, a little awkward, wearing a black tank top that draws attention to his arms. “Kevin and Chanhee are the ones really baking, I’m just like, the ball boy. Not to brag, but I’m excellent at handing people things.”

Jaehyun laughs. “You do have talented hands.” 

Jacob’s blinks in surprise, a faint blush tinting his cheeks. Jaehyun is so amused.

“Jaehyun!”

“You play the guitar! What do you think I meant?”

“Nothing,” Jacob blurts out. Then he chuckles, amused too, if still a little pink on the face. “You’re ridiculous. You wanted to see me?”

“Yeah. Wanna go for a walk?”

“Sure.”

The street is lined up with trees, so the sidewalk offers a nice alternative to the unforgiving afternoon sun they’d have to deal with otherwise. It’s a residential street, so there’s barely any movement now save from the occasional car driving by. There’s no better set-up for this conversation, Jaehyun thinks. Not that there needs to be one, but it helps that they have some peace and quiet right now.

He asks Jacob about the baking first, because he’s curious, and because there’s nothing better than just hearing Jacob talk about what he’s been up to—in this case, some emotional support baking, as Kevin called it, which will probably leave them with heaps of cookies they will have no way of eating all on their own.

But then he sees the expectation in Jacob’s eyes, clearly wondering about the impromptu visit. There’s no reason to keep him waiting any longer, so Jaehyun doesn’t.

“Did I ever tell you my sister lives in Seoul?”

Jacob shakes his head. “She does?”

“Yeah. I told her I’m thinking of taking a trip to Seoul, and asked if she’d mind me sleeping on her couch for a while. She said I’m more than welcome to.”

That makes Jacob stop in his tracks immediately. He doesn’t say anything, but the surprise on his face says enough. Jaehyun stops too, turning to face him.

“You made me realize I want to see more, Jacob. So much more.”

“Of the world?”

“Of you,” Jaehyun says. He could drown in the hope he sees in Jacob’s eyes, visible even if Jacob doesn’t mean to show it. “I mean, I am feeling a little suffocated here at home. Going somewhere would be nice. But what I really want right now is to spend more time with you. Here, or elsewhere. It doesn’t matter.”

He takes Jacob’s hand, looks him in the eye. He knows it registers on Jacob what it means to do that here, out in the open, with the way Jacob studies his face, speechless, lips still slightly parted in surprise.

“It took me so long to find myself. To understand that I can and I should aim higher if I want to, that I’m capable of feeling things I never thought possible, and deserving of those feelings, too.” Jaehyun smiles. “And a big part of that was thanks to you. So I’d like to return the favor, if you’d let me.”

“What do you mean?” Jacob asks in a tiny, unbelieving voice.

“I wanna be there for you when you need me. If not to find yourself like you helped me find myself, then at least to constantly remind you that you’re deserving of good things, too. Kindness, most of all, and love, and patience, and understanding. All the things you’re constantly showing other people. Constantly showing me.”

The shock ebbs away from Jacob’s face. He lets hope bloom unrestrained, smile growing bigger and bigger until it’s the beautiful, all-teeth smile Jaehyun has grown so fond of. Jacob stares at him for a moment, looking so undeniably touched. Finally, voice laden with emotion, he says, “I kinda wanna kiss you right now.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t waste a second.

When their lips touch, Jacob is smiling. It’s one of the best kisses Jaehyun’s ever had. Sweet, sure, but promising too. Communicating so much, from Jacob’s infectious happiness to Jaehyun’s own newfound joy, giving him so much to look forward to. His heart is beating uncontrollably fast in his chest, louder than it’s ever been before.

It doesn’t matter if someone sees him right now. Jaehyun isn’t worried about that—he thinks he owes himself that much. To not let his own expectations and the expectations of others make him question his motives for doing something that only brings him the most raw, unadulterated form of happiness he’s ever felt. He has that freedom, the privilege of a life that only ever smiled upon him, and he’s not going to take that for granted anymore.

He smirks into the kiss. “So. You think Kevin would mind giving me a ride to Seoul?”

Jacob laughs, brighter than the sun overhead, and Jaehyun’s heart sings with it.

Juyeon accompanies him to Chanhee’s on Sunday, promising to drive Jaehyun’s car back to his parents’ before sundown. He jokes that maybe Jaehyun’s mom could let him borrow Jaehyun’s car from time to time, and Jaehyun points out that she probably would, because she’s always treated Juyeon like part of the family, anyway, even before he was a fixed presence in Jaehyun’s life.

They get there right before Haknyeon, who makes sure to park right behind them, blocking Jaehyun’s car in the driveway. Haknyeon finds his own little prank hilarious; Sunwoo acts like he doesn’t, but he’s not fooling anyone with the smile tugging at his lips. Jaehyun barely knows either of them at this point, but he knows he will miss them too, so he’s grateful that they came to send them off.

Inside, Chanhee is helping Kevin and Jacob cross things off a list of what they might be forgetting. They’re almost ready to leave, though, Jacob immediately lighting up when Jaehyun walks in and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“Ready to go, baby?”

Jaehyun beams at him, “Yeah.”

“Hyung, iPad!” Chanhee snaps his fingers to get Jacob’s attention. “Did you remember to get your iPad?”

“Oh, shoot.”

Jacob sidesteps Kevin pushing two big, colorful suitcases out of the door and runs upstairs again. It’s another few minutes of last second reminders and triple checking bags and pockets before they’re outside again, Chanhee helping Jacob and Kevin fit all of their luggage in the trunk of Kevin’s car.

The others are checking the car itself. Sunwoo is sitting behind the wheel, rattling on about fuel efficiency and whatnot, while Jaehyun watches on, committing this moment to memory to the best of his abilities.

God, he will miss them.

He snaps out of it long enough to tap Juyeon on the shoulder and say, “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?”

His friend nods and follows him to the side, a little ways away from everyone else. 

“You look happy,” Jaehyun says. Maybe it’s the sentimentality of the moment getting to Jaehyun, but he does think Juyeon looks happy—shoulders at ease, his smile coming even easier than usual, unbidden. “That’s nice to see.”

As if proving his point, Juyeon smiles brightly. “Thanks. You look happy too, hyung. I’m happy for you, you know.”

Jaehyun wants to make a joke, to make light of the enormity of what Juyeon’s saying in his effortlessly earnest way, but he feels choked up. Instead, he brings Juyeon in for a tight hug.

“Don’t be a stranger,” he says, voice breaking just a little. He pulls back enough to shake Juyeon by the shoulders. “I mean it. Promise me we’ll be in touch.”

“I promise. You don’t need to worry about me, hyung.”

And that’s when it happens: Juyeon looks to the side, to where Chanhee is still coordinating the most high-stakes game of Tetris ever with their bags, and smiles. There’s no mistaking the fondness in his eyes. He looks back at Jaehyun in time to catch the surprised look on his face.

“Seriously, I’ll be fine.”

“Dude. What the fuck,” Jaehyun laughs, incredulous, bringing him in for another hug. “You’ll have to tell me all about it. Soon!”

“Will do.” Juyeon gives him a knowing smirk when they part. “I think you weren’t the only one looking for a sign.”

“You think?” Jaehyun shakes his head and pats Juyeon's shoulder, afraid that if this goes on any longer he might lose his cool and let out the tears threatening to come up. So embarrassing being the one to cry during goodbyes. That was always an Youngjae thing, never a Jaehyun thing. “Take care of yourself, Juyeonie.”

“And you take care of yourself over there, hyung. Please.”

“Aye, aye, captain.”

When they’re finally in the car ready to leave, Chanhee entrusts Jacob with co-pilot duties and hands Jaehyun, in the backseat, a carefully wrapped casserole dish that his mom prepared for them as a goodbye gift before leaving for work. Jaehyun is starting to suspect Chanhee has a very particular way of showing affection, if the way he tells Kevin to drive safe at least five times in the span of two minutes is anything to go by.

They wave goodbye to their friends as Kevin starts to drive away. Sunwoo is very suspiciously letting his bangs cover his eyes, like he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s crying. Well. Maybe it’s not as much a Jaehyun thing now as it is a Sunwoo thing.

And then they’re gone. 

It’s a nice trip. The emotional toll of saying goodbye hangs heavy in the air at first, especially for Jaehyun, who stares out the window and thinks again about fate, and signs, and more importantly, decisions. He recognizes the feeling in the pit of his stomach as excitement, foreign in the way he hasn’t felt it to this extent in years.

Conversation comes easy on the road after Kevin says something about the album they’re listening to, and then proceeds to school Jaehyun on the artist’s discography for about half an hour, much to Jacob’s amusement. It’s fun, really. Jaehyun decides he doesn’t mind being grilled over his nonexistent knowledge of Western pop music when it’s Kevin doing the grilling, overjoyed just to talk about it. Jacob is very smug to know a smidge more than him, too.

They stop at a rest area for a bathroom break about an hour into the trip. Kevin goes into the convenience store in search of snacks, so Jaehyun leans against the car next to Jacob to wait and watch the road with him. His soft, coppery hair is blowing with the breeze, always so effortlessly beautiful in the daylight.

The warm weather is giving way to something a bit more pleasant, but it’s hot here, with the cars around them and the heat coming off the pavement. Jaehyun feels it in the way his feet feel hot in his shoes, and sees it in the way Jacob’s neck is a little flushed.

It hits him stronger than ever how powerful happiness can be, propelling him forward in a way that’s starting to feel comforting and familiar, just like Jacob himself. So he does what feels right, emboldened by that invincibility coursing through him, and kisses Jacob’s cheek, sweet and loving.

When he pulls back, Jacob opens his eyes slowly. Voice as soft as the expression on his face, he asks, “What was that for?”

“Just thankful,” Jaehyun explains. “Thank you for coming into my world.”

Jacob reaches up to caress his cheek. Then, right before he leans in for a kiss, he says the words that will etch themselves onto Jaehyun’s heart for as long as he lives.

“Well, thank you for becoming mine.”