Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He doesn’t belong here. In this place. Doesn’t belong around these people. Doesn’t fit.

Levi has no idea what he’s doing.

This big motherfucker here… Mike, or whatever the fuck… he hates him. Levi can tell. He hates him a whole fuckin’ lot.

Levi guesses he can’t blame him. He did try to kill Erwin. He was gonna’ do it, too. Fuck, he’d… he’d been ready. He’d been so God damned fuckin’ angry… Still was, sometimes, at the big, blonde bastard. When he thought about…

Ah… but what the hell difference did all that make now?

Erwin had started talkin’, and Levi had… he’d realized he didn’t know this man at all. Had had him pegged all wrong. Let his own fuckin’ pride get in the way of seein’ right. Seein’ at all.

It was what… what got Furlan and Isabel dead.

Fuck, he can’t think of this right now.

Mike hates him, and the feelin’s fuckin’ mutual, and the big son of a bitch is itching for a fight.

There’s a group of Corps members gather round them, growing larger by the second. Levi can hear ‘em whisperin’ to each other, takin’ bets on who’s gonna’ win this fight.

Most of ‘em are dead sure it’s Mike. Levi can’t blame ‘em for that either. The fuck’s more than a foot taller than him. The top of Levi’s head barely comes up to his chest.

But they don’t know, like folks in the Underground didn’t know, ‘till they learned better, just what Levi was.

Mike’s big, and strong, and pretty fast, for a guy that size. But he ain’t no kinda’ shit Levi hasn’t taken care of a hundred times before.

“You’re fuckin’ gutter trash, you little bastard!” Mike spits down at him, his long body tensed, ready to pounce. “You don’t belong here.”

Levi says nothing, just stares up at him with the same, blank expression he always wears, and he can see it riling Mike up all the more.

It’s not like Levi don’t agree.

Mike sneers.

“Someone ought to beat some respect into you, you damned punk. You think you can get away with that shit you pulled back there? Not saluting? You think that’s alright?”

Someone ought to beat some respect into him, huh? Yeah, heard that plenty. Got that plenty, from Kenny. From Finch, back before Mama died…

“I don’t care about your shitty salute.” Levi tells him. “If you wanna’ beat my ass, you're welcome to try.”

There’s a collective “ohhhh” that goes up around the gathering crowd.

“Pff, what would be the point?” Mike snaps back. “What are you, five foot one, maybe two? There wouldn’t be any sport in it.”

“That’s a convenient excuse.”

More ohh’s and ahh’s from the crowd, and that finally seems to force Mike into action.

He comes at Levi, not sloppy, but quick and precise. A trained control you only got from practice and natural ability.

Levi ducks easily out of the way of his first strike, and fast as Mike is, Levi is faster still. He turns before Mike can regain his balance from the missed blow, reaches out and grabs hold of his collar, hooks his calf round behind the bigger man’s knee and sweeps his feet out from under him, using his weight to push him down into the dirt.

He steps back and clear of Mike’s reach and watches him splutter on the ground. He isn’t hurt. Just angry.

He jumps to his feet, a look on his face like he can’t believe some pint-sized twerp just put him on his ass.

Levi got that a lot. People thought, ‘cause he was small, he was weak. He wasn’t. He was strong. Really strong.

Levi looks back at him, his hands loose at his sides.

Mike reaches up, flicks at his nose.

“Alright. I’ll give you that.” He says, voice tight. He’s more wary now than before. Not as sure.

Levi shrugs, casual, unconcerned.

“Come on Mike! My ten year old kid’s bigger than his ass! Beat him up!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mike calls back, never taking his eyes off Levi.

He’s waiting for Levi to make a move, but Levi just stands there, no intention of moving at all, until Mike finally loses patience and comes at him again.

He tries jabbing Levi in the face, and Levi bobs out of the way, ducking under it and coming up, catching Mike in the side with a left hook. He doesn’t hit him that hard, but hard enough to make it hurt. Mike grunts and tries to counter with a right hook to Levi’s jaw. Levi makes him miss again, and pops him in the face with his own jab. It doesn’t have much strength, ‘cause he has to punch up to even land it.

Mike reaches out to grab him, and Levi’s takes hold of his wrist, jerking him forward. He sees Mike’s eyes go wide in shock at Levi’s strength, and Levi’s got his calf hooked behind Mike’s knee again. Sweeps him again. He’s still got hold of his wrist as Mike hits the ground, and Levi lets himself fall with him, onto his back as he pulls Mike’s arm out straight, locking it between his knees, gripping the wrist with both hands now. He twists, and Mike’s face twists with it, naked pain screwing up his features.

Levi could snap the bone in a second, and Mike knows it.

“Fuck…” he grinds out, trying to rip his arm free. Levi doesn’t let go.

“I’ll break it if you don’t give up.” Levi tells him.

He won’t really. But he wants Mike to know he can. To stop fuckin’ with him.

“Like hell I’m gonna’ let a shrimp like you win!” Mike growls, and he’s really straining now, putting all his strength into tearing free. But Levi’s got his entire body locked round Mike’s arm. There’s no getting away. He twists it harder, and Mike cries out.

The crowd around them is starting to get whipped up, voices rising to a dull hum, all mixed together.

Mike’s face is startin’ to turn red with his effort, and Levi can feel his strength draining. He doesn’t let up.

Finally, after nearly a full minute of useless struggle, Mike concedes, voice panting harshly.

“Al-alright. Alright! Lemme’ go, you little rat bastard!”

Levi lets him go and is back on his feet, already turnin’ and walkin’ away.

The gathered soldiers are smart enough to get outta’ his way as he pushes through ‘em. Halfway through the crowd, he feels a heavy hand land on his shoulder from behind, and when he turns, he’s met with a broad chest.

He looks up, and it’s Erwin Smith.

“That was impressive, back there.” Erwin nods his head back to where Mike probably still was. “I’ve never seen anyone do that to him. I’ve never seen Mike lose a fight at all.”

Levi shrugs, looking away.

Erwin unnerves him.

He’d had a hard time admitting that to himself, at first. That there could be anyone who left him feelin’ like this. Off balance and unsure. But Erwin does. Levi can’t read him. Not really. He don’t ever know what the man is thinking, and that sets off all kindsa’ alarm bells in his head. Anyone you couldn’t read, couldn’t predict, that left you exposed to all kindsa’ danger. Levi knows. Kenny always taught him good, ‘bout that kinda’ thing.

Not that Levi doesn’t think he could take Erwin in a fight. He could. But he don’t know what it is Erwin sees when he looks at him. Don’t know what he wants.

He don’t let none of that show on his face now though, keepin’ his expression flat.

Erwin keeps lookin’ down at him with those piercing eyes of his which seem to see too much, and Levi struggles not to fidget.

“Do you think you could teach some of what you know to our recruits? Our vets even?” He asks after a long moment.

Levi shrugs again.

“I can try. I’ve never taught no one how to fight, ‘cept Fur…” his voice cuts off, teeth clenching hard together when he realizes what he’s about to say. Furlan and Isabel. He’d tried teachin’ ‘em what he knew. Taught ‘em as much as he could. Lot ‘a fuckin’ good it did ‘em, in the end.

Erwin’s hand is warm and heavy on his shoulder, and Levi resists the urge to tear outta’ his grip when that hand squeezes gently.

He don’t know what Erwin sees in him. What he wants.

“That would be appreciated, Levi.”

“Sure.” Levi says, still lookin’ away.

He wants to leave. He wants to go some place dark and cool, where nobody can look at him.

He’s sicka’ all this. People lookin’ at him, that scared, awed look in their eyes, like they can’t decide if he’s somethin’ they should run from, or watch and study, like some kinda’ animal in a cage.

There’s nobody in this place for him to talk to. Not really. They don’t understand him. Where he comes from. What it’s like, down there. Down in the dark. He don’t know how to tell ‘em. Doesn’t think they’d even care to know if he could. Why would they? Who wants to know ‘bout that kinda’ stuff? What it’s like to be starvin’ to death. Real starvin’, when your stomach starts eatin’ itself. What it’s like when you can’t even get holda’ clean water. When there ain’t no where to shit but in the street.

Nobody wants to hear ‘bout that kinda’ stuff.

He talks to Erwin sometimes, but that’s it, and that’s usually just to exchange strategic ideas for outside the walls. Erwin seems to think Levi’s got a good head for that kinda’ stuff. He listens to Levi’s ideas ‘bout how to take down Titans. ‘Bout how to work more effectively in units. Levi don’t know why, but Erwin listens.

But Erwin leaves him feelin’ off-center. Leaves him feelin’ small and wretched, like he really ain’t nothin’ more than a petty, stupid criminal. In the face of Erwin’s far-reaching gaze, lookin’ off someplace Levi can’t even begin to imagine, let alone see. He feels the weight of his own insignificance, standing next to this man. The meaningless struggle of his own, poor existence.

He wishes he could be like Erwin, sometimes. Wishes he could see that far. See somethin’ more, than all the pain and scratchin’ and fightin’ that makes up all Levi’s dumb life.

Erwin’s hand gives his shoulder one last squeeze, before he finally pulls it away, and Levi nearly sags in relief.

“Wonderful. Maybe come by my office later this evening, if you have a chance, and we can discuss implementing lessons into our daily training exercises?”

Levi nods, and swallows past the dryness in his throat.

He don’t say anything more, just turns and pushes the rest of the way through the crowd.

He keeps goin’, ‘till he reaches back to the stables, and ducks inside.

It stinks like horse shit, but that’s okay. Levi’s used to worse than that.

He goes and finds his little mare. Some of the other Scouts laughed, ‘cause Levi was too short to ride the big stallions the other men rode. Whatever. People were always laughin’ at him ‘bout that. ‘Bout how small he was. Whatever. Didn’t bother him none, no more.

He’s named his horse Chrissy. She’s a good horse. She whinnies when she sees him, and he reaches up, cuppin’ her soft snout, likin’ the way the stiff hairs rub against the pads of his fingers.

Somethin’ like a laugh works from his throat when she reaches over the stall and wiggles her lips at his hair, mussin’ it up.

“You’re a good girl, huh Chrissy.” He tells her, quiet, holdin’ her noble face between his hands. She huffs, warm breath in his face.

Levi pushes himself up onto the tips of his toes, leanin’ back over the door. He presses his forehead to her snout.

“Yeah,” he tells her. “Guess you’re the best friend I got now, Chrissy. Huh? Guess… guess you’re the only friend I got.”

Levi snorts at himself. That sounded pathetic, even to his own ears.

… Wasn’t like it wasn’t true though.

Ain’t got no friends here.

Guesses…

Guesses, he ain’t felt this alone since Kenny left him, all them years ago.

Ain’t felt this alone since then.

Chapter Text

He stares at the man sitting across from him. Keeps staring, distracted from his paperwork again and again to glance up and catch sight of him. This man. This tiny, little man many would mistake for a child.

Levi is quiet, Erwin has come to notice. Strangely soft spoken and measured in his words. He makes little noise when he moves, if any at all. Nearly silent. His movements are precise and elegant, even. That’s a strange word to apply to someone like Levi. But it’s the best Erwin can come up with, for the way Levi carries himself. He seems so light and effortless.

Erwin can admit to himself a deep and perplexed fascination. An almost kind of obsession.

Erwin is good at recognizing it in himself. Obsession. He knows the feel of it.

Levi sits, hunched in on himself, his bare forearms resting haphazardly against the surface of Erwin’s desk, his face pressed down and close to the pages of reports Erwin had handed him earlier. Beneath the fall of his hair obscuring his eyes, Erwin can see the young man staring through the pages.

He’s pretending to read.

The action strikes Erwin as supremely childlike. Something pitiful and heartbreaking in it.

It is such a stark contrast to the graceful, powerful violence he’d seen that morning, out on the training fields, when Levi had forced Mike to admit defeat in a battle of pure physicality.

Erwin had never seen anyone defeat Mike in hand-to-hand combat before. He hadn’t, previously, thought it possible.

Mike was always the best of them when it came to prowess in battle. Far and away the strongest.

There’s a shocking, almost comical irony, then, that he should be supplanted as the strongest by such a physically small, childlike man.

And that is the impression Erwin gets, when he looks at Levi. When he speaks with him.

That of a child.

Levi is intensely gifted, almost superhuman, it seems, in his ability to fight. A miracle of a human being. It would be a fool who would mistake him for weak, or helpless, the way one would a child, of course. Erwin is no such fool.

He feels an absurd, unearned pride, each time he watches Levi, out in the training fields. Outside the walls. He didn’t create Levi. But he discovered him. Brought him here. Gave humanity new hope by giving them Levi’s strength.

It isn’t that, though, which impresses upon Erwin the image of a boy. Not even Levi’s youthful face, or stunted stature, which makes him think such.

There’s a blunt, guileless honesty to Levi. That’s what it is. An unsophisticated, almost clumsy openness. The man knows not how to deceive, how to manipulate. Knows nothing of mind games, or political intrigue or cunning maneuvers to outwit or outplay. He tells you exactly what it is he thinks, and feels, more often than not to his own detriment. His almost daily punishments for some new transgression or insubordination, handed down by his superior officers, are testament enough to that. Levi intends no rudeness, Erwin has discovered. It is only, he doesn’t know how to be anything other than blunt and truthful, and fails to understand how such truthfulness goes unappreciated and unwanted in this world.

Levi, Erwin thinks not for the first time, is too pure for it. This world.

If Erwin had any room left in his heart for sentiment, he would, he thinks, feel sickening guilt over having pulled such a rare and brilliant being from his own world. Over forcing him into this one, where he does not belong, and can find no place.

Erwin watches him, pretending to read, and here is another contradiction, then. Around Erwin, and only Erwin, he has come to notice, Levi grows self-conscious.

He cannot read.

Erwin discerned Levi’s illiteracy weeks ago, when he first asked him to go over some expedition reports, requesting that he add anything he deemed missing or otherwise important, and Levi had scanned the pages with his eyes too quickly, and grumbled out a half-assed mumble of words afterward about not noticing anything important.

Erwin had decided to wait, to keep asking Levi to come and go over the reports with him, and see if the younger man might eventually confess his illiteracy, if only to save himself the continued burden of having to pretend otherwise.

But so far, Levi had not, and with each passing week, the façade, Erwin could see, was becoming more and more difficult for Levi to uphold.

He was embarrassed, Erwin had realized. Ashamed, even. And what an odd thing it was to see, in someone who otherwise showed no indication at all of feeling ashamed of who they were. At least, not around anyone else.

It wasn’t just the reading, and Erwin had to assume the writing as well. He hadn’t yet asked Levi to write anything out for him. He suspects, when he does, that will be a particularly stinging humiliation, and despite how he’d treated Levi when he first came here, Erwin isn’t keen on the idea of hurting this man.

Around him, Levi seems to become more aware of his way of speaking.

Erwin often catches him faltering mid-sentence, trying to back-peddle and correct his own speech. It only ever serves to draw attention to his unrefined and crude manners, and Erwin has watched, with an odd pang in his heart, the tips of Levi’s ears turn more and more red, the deeper the hole he digs himself into.

It’s sad, as so many things about Levi are.

Erwin can’t really allow this to go on any longer, he thinks.

That, in its own way, is cruel.

“Levi,” he starts softly, and Levi looks up at him. Erwin stares back a moment, wondering how best to put this in a way which will be least embarrassing for the man. There really isn’t any avoiding it, he thinks. He sighs, and Levi blinks at him, that tight, defensive stiffness taking hold of his features. He knows Erwin has noticed something. “I know you can’t read.” He says, bluntly.

Levi doesn’t react, at first, his hooded eyes remaining impassive and cool, blinking slowly. But Erwin can see the way his shoulders go just slightly more ridged. The way his forearms flex where they still rest on the tabletop.

“It’s okay.” Erwin hastens to add.

Levi looks away. His ears are turning red now.

“Levi…”

“I’m a fuckin’ thug.” He mutters, low, almost inaudible.

Erwin frowns.

“You’re not.” He insists, and Levi keeps his eyes fixed away. “There’s no shame in it. Many people are illiterate Levi. It’s no condemnation on their character.”

Levi doesn’t say anything for a long moment, picking at some imaginary lint on his pant leg.

“… How long have you known?” He asks finally.

“… I suspected after I first asked you to go over the reports.” Erwin admits.

He watches Levi’s jaw tighten.

“Why the hell did you ask me to keep readin’ ‘em then?” He snaps, voice harsh and angry. He turns to Erwin at last, looking up at him. “The fuck was the point ‘a that?”

Erwin doesn’t have a good answer for this. Doesn’t have an answer which doesn’t make him sound cruel and insensitive.

He owes Levi the truth though, even if it makes him look bad.

“I wanted to see if you would just admit it.” He says.

Levi’s eyes widen for a moment.

“Y… you…” he sputters, disbelieving. His head shakes. “Why? What the fuck Erwin!”

“It’s a sorry excuse, I know.” Erwin starts.

Levi pushes up to his feet.

Even standing, and Erwin sitting, Levi is barely taller than him.

“You tryin’ to make fun ‘a me!?” He spits. He slams his palms down on the table.

His hands are small, like the rest of him. He’s small all over. It’s so strange, Erwin thinks, that he could be so strong. He can see the corded, dense muscle of his forearms, and knows the rest of him must be the same. But he’s tiny, hardly bigger than a child, and it’s just so strange, how strong he is.

Erwin shakes his head.

“Of course not Levi. I apologize. I should have just told you from the beginning. My own curiosity tends to get the better of me, you understand. I don’t always think things through the way I should, when I’m curious about something.”

Levi scoffs, turning away.

“What the hell are ya curious about?” He mutters, half to himself, Erwin thinks. “So I’m fuckin’ stupid. How’s that get ya curious?”

“You aren’t stupid Levi.” Erwin tells him seriously. He hates hearing Levi talk about himself like that. “Lack of education and lack of intelligence aren’t the same thing. I assume you never went to school?”

Levi’s got his back to him, and his arms come up around himself.

“… Weren’t no schools in the Underground.” He answers.

Again, it sounds more like he’s speaking to himself.

“‘Less you count…” he starts again, but then his voice trails off, and he falls silent.

Erwin studies him for long seconds before speaking again. There’s so much he doesn’t know about Levi’s life. About where he comes from, what he’s been through. He knows life in the Underground City can be harsh. Though Erwin suspects he has little idea of what that actually means.

He wants to be careful. He doesn’t want to frighten Levi away, or offend him any more than he already, obviously, has.

“Would you like to learn? How to read and write, I mean.”

Levi remains unmoving a moment, before finally turning, looking back over his shoulder at Erwin, eyes sharp, appraising, like he’s trying to figure out if Erwin is serious.

Erwin thinks Levi is used to people laughing at him. That thought, too, aches in his heart.

“… Too old for that.” Levi mumbles, looking away again.

“Nonsense. You’re never too old to learn Levi. I’ve taught some of the other soldiers how to read quite well. My own father was a teacher, you know. So I have experience in how to go about it.”

It’s dangerous territory, he knows, talking about his father.

Mentioning him aloud always leaves Erwin feeling raw and vulnerable in a way he hates. A weak point he knows many would be only too happy to use against him.

He knows, though, Levi wouldn’t. Knows Levi would never even think to.

“… Yeah?” Levi asks, at last turning fully back to him. His arms remain wrapped around himself. It makes him look, somehow, even smaller.

Erwin smiles.

“Of course. I would be happy to give you lessons, if you’re interested. We could set aside a few times each week, if you like.”

Levi keeps looking back at him a moment, before his face turns down, and he shifts his weight from foot to foot where he stands.

“… Furlan could read real good.” He says suddenly. “He… he tried teachin’ me, for a while, but… I just wasn’t no good at it. He used to… to read to me and Isabel though, sometimes… We liked listenin’ to him, ‘cause he was real good at it.”

Erwin smiles. The expression feels tight on his face.

Levi’s friends. His friends who had died out there, beyond the walls. Who had died because Erwin had allowed them out there with only a few weeks training, while the rest of them had had years to prepare. When none of them could have had any clue what they were facing. Not even Levi.

He tries not to think on it. It’s cowardly, he knows.

God, how Levi must hate him.

Erwin could hardly blame him if he did.

“I’m sure he was a fine reader.” He forces himself to say. “He seemed a very intelligent young man.”

He watches Levi nod, his eyes going distant.

“He… he used to come up with all our plans. You know? I was just the guy who made it happen, but he… he thought up all the plans and stuff.”

It’s amazing, Erwin thinks, Levi’s easy genuineness. The easy, simple way in which he shares.

In that way, too, he is like a child.

“I would like to hear more about your friends, if you would let me.” Erwin tells him.

Levi’s eyes focus suddenly then, cutting to him, that same, uncertain look there, assessing, almost confused.

Erwin smiles again.

“I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on now, but perhaps next time?”

And again Levi looks away. He shrugs.

“Yeah. Sure.” He says. He hesitates, and it seems for a moment like he’s going to say something else. But then his expression goes flat again, eyes closing off. “Can I go?”

Erwin blinks, an odd feeling of disappointment filling his chest.

“… Of course.” He nods. “You must have things you want to do.”

Levi doesn’t say anything to that. Just nods once before turning on his heel and leaving the office.

He closes the door softly behind him.

For a long time afterward, Erwin stares after him, as if only he were to look long enough, and Levi might appear once more.

Chapter Text

Levi’s eyes follow, absent, as he drags the tip of the stick around in the dirt, makin’ all kindsa’ shapes and patterns and shit. Nonsense drawings of nothin’, lines and circles and squares.

He keeps thinkin’ of Erwin Smith.

Of what he said.

All that, ‘bout… ‘bout learnin’ to read and all. ‘Bout… wantin’ to hear ‘bout Furlan, and Isabel.

He don’t know what to make of it. None of it.

… Levi thinks, some days, he should hate Erwin. Thinks he should hold some kinda’ blame against him, for what happened to his… his family.

Furlan and Isabel were… they were…

His teeth come hard together, and he shakes his head.

He wonders some days, what they’d think, if they knew… if they could see him, followin’ Erwin around like some kinda’ stupid dog, doin’ his orders. What they’d think, that he hadn’t killed him, like he said he would.

… Levi can’t hate Erwin though. What happened to Furlan and Isabel wasn’t… wasn’t his fault. Not really. It was the Titans. Like Erwin said. And Erwin… Erwin was…

He wasn’t like any kinda’ man Levi’d ever known.

He’d meant it, Levi thinks, when he’d said he wanted to hear ‘bout Isabel and Furlan. He’d really meant it.

But Levi can’t figure why. Why? Why’d he wanna’ know ‘bout his life at all? Why’d he even talk to him? Levi can’t figure.

Erwin was real smart. Real sophisticated and all. Knew all kindsa’ stuff. Real… real… educated, was what he was. Yeah. Real educated. Used big, fancy words and all. Talked big. Big ideas.

Levi knows he ain’t too smart. He knows. But around Erwin, bein’ around Erwin, it made him feel real dumb. He felt real dumb. And Erwin, he… he knew Levi couldn’t read, but just kept on pretendin’ he didn’t know, and Levi couldn’t figure that neither. He thought… thought Erwin musta’ been makin’ fun… makin’ fun ‘a him. Laughin’ and all. People did that. They laughed at him a lot. But… But Erwin hadn’t laughed, when Levi accused him, and he’d said he was sorry, that he wasn’t too good at keepin’ his curiosity under control, whatever that meant, and… and Levi thinks he’d meant it. Said he was sorry, and… Levi couldn’t see no lyin’ in him, about that. His eyes hadn’t been lyin’.

What he was curious over, Levi couldn’t figure neither. Couldn’t figure what Erwin would be curious of, ‘bout him. He was just a dumb street rat, was what he was. And Erwin knew all kindsa’ things, ‘bout the world. ‘Bout beyond the walls, out there.

Levi never even thoughta’ that stuff, before. Never thought ‘bout a world outside the walls. Didn’t even think ‘a the walls none, ‘cause what’d it matter? There was sun up here, and fresh air, and… and fields that went on and on. Never… never used to be able to think ‘a nothin’, beyond gettin’ up above. Above was the real world, Levi’d thought. The big, great world, up here, and that was big as it got. But it wasn’t, and what he thought was the real world was just a small part, and Erwin would tell him, sometimes, he’d tell him there were things out there nobody’d ever even thought of. Things like… like somethin’ called a sea, like a… a great, big pond that went off beyond the horizon. Or… or mountains which spit fire, and… and all kindsa’ animals that nobody’d ever seen before.

So… so Levi can’t figure, what Erwin thought was curious, ‘bout him.

But maybe… maybe there was somethin’ Erwin could see about him, that Levi couldn’t see about himself.

Yeah… guesses that must be it. Erwin saw so much that Levi never could…

If he saw somethin’ of worth in Levi…

Thinkin’ that gives Levi a weird, warm feelin’, right there in his chest.

He frowns, diggin’ the stick harder into the dirt.

He freezes when he hears approaching footsteps, not botherin’ to look up as a shadow falls across him. He knows who it is anyway.

“Heya, Shorty!”

Hange Zoe.

She was the only one here who went out of their way to talk to him. Other than Erwin. Levi can’t figure that either.

He guesses she was just weird. Real fuckin’ weird, this one.

He glances up at her, needin’ to shield his eyes from the glaring, noonday sun. He still ain’t used to it. The sun.

Hange is standing there, a few feet away, grinning down at him with that half-crazed smile of hers. The sun reflecting off her glasses makes it impossible to see her eyes.

Levi says nothing, waiting for her to tell him what she wants.

“Mind if I join you?”

Levi can’t answer yes or no before she’s dropping down next to him, kicking up dirt where her ass meets the ground.

Levi resists the urge to move away from her. She was always gettin’ so close.

“Ohh, whatch’a drawing?” She asks.

Levi blinks, eyes drifting down to the swirls and shapeless lines he’s carved in the dirt.

His face feels suddenly warm, the same, tight discomfort in his chest from yesterday, when Erwin told him he knew he couldn’t read…

He looks away.

“… Nothin’.”

“Ohhh! Lemme’ try!” Hange goes on, oblivious to his sudden discomfort.

Levi starts slightly as he feels the stick grabbed up out of his hand, and he turns, seeing Hange now with it, beginning to drag the tip through the dirt.

In seconds, she’s drawn an amazingly accurate depiction of the Corps barracks, and Levi stares, astonished. His own, aimless efforts look pathetically childish in comparison.

“… H-how’d you do that?” He asks, despite himself.

“Huh?” Hange stops, turning to look at him. “Do what?”

Levi nods towards her drawing.

“That.”

Hange blinks, looking back at her work.

“Oh! Uh… I dunno!” She shrugs, then laughs. “I guess, I gotta’ do a lot of technical drawings for all my experiments and stuff, so I just… kinda’ got good at it after a while. I’m no good at drawing people or anything. But anything with straight lines, I’m okay.”

“… It’s really good.” Levi tells her.

“Wow! You really think? Thanks!”

Levi shrugs, and looks away again.

He don’t know why she’s thanking him just for tellin’ the truth.

“So, I heard you kicked Mike’s ass yesterday! Ohh, I wish I coulda’ been there to see it! You know, no one’s ever beaten Mike in a hand-to-hand fight before!”

Levi doesn’t say nothin’. Just shrugs.

Mike was a good fighter, so it don’t surprise him none.

“Where’d you learn to fight like that anyway?” Hange presses. “Erwin tells me you don’t have any pervious military training.”

Again, Levi shrugs.

Ain’t like he can tell her ‘bout Kenny. Who’d believe him anyhow? Kenny the Ripper used to take care of me, back when I was a kid. Yeah, right.

“Gotta’ learn to fight Underground.” He says absently, fixin’ his eyes ahead at the now empty training yard, across from where they sat.

“I’ll bet.” Hange says. “You’re pretty amazing Levi.”

Levi looks down.

Everyone kept sayin’ that. Kept sayin’ how amazing he was, out there, when he fought Titans.

He don’t know what to say to it.

He don’t feel amazing. He don’t feel like much of anything, lately.

“… Listen, I… know you aren’t much for socializing and all,” Hange starts up again after a long moment. “but, me and a few others are going out for drinks tonight, and I was wondering if maybe you’d like to come along?”

“No.” Levi says without thinking.

It’s knee-jerk. Ain’t even really sure why he says it. Just… wasn’t no point, he figures. Hange seemed to like him, for whatever reason. Maybe she was just curious, like Erwin. Can’t figure it. And that didn’t mean anyone else would want him around.

Levi don’t know how to talk to people.

That was always Furlan’s job, back in the Underground. Furlan did the talkin’. He knew good, if left up to Levi, there wouldn’t never be nobody willin’ to join their crew. Just wasn’t no good at it, talkin’ to people. Bein’ all friendly like.

“Oh, come on!” Hange insists. “It’ll be fun! You don’t even have to talk to anybody if you don’t want! But, Levi, you know how many of us want to know more about you? You’re such a mystery!”

Levi feels himself stiffen, and he turns his face, glancing up at her.

She must be fuckin’ with him, he thinks. Makin’ fun. Lotta’ people did that to him, all the time. Laughin’ and shit, on account of his bein’ small and a little dumb. Lotta’ people used to ask Furlan if he was one of them retards, ‘cause he never talked too much, or if he was a mute. Furlan used to get real mad, when people asked him that. He used to get real mad.

But if Hange’s fuckin’ with him, he can’t see it. Her face is open and honest as it ever is as she looks back down at him, grinning and happy, eyes bright with enthusiasm.

“Why?” He blurts out without really meanin’ to.

Hange blinks.

“Huh?”

Levi looks away, frowning down at the dirt.

“Why do you wanna’ know about me?”

“Really!?” Hange starts, like she can’t believe he’d even have to ask. “Well, you’re from the Underground, first of all! None of us have ever known anyone from there. That, and you’re so strong! The way you kill Titans isn’t like anything any of us have ever seen! And all without any kind of real training! It took all of us years to learn to kill Titans, and then here you come, you and your friends, and you make it look easy as breathing! I mean, it’s unprecedented! We’ve never seen anyone like you!”

For a moment, Levi feels a flare of frustrated anger bloom in his chest.

Like bein’ from the Underground was some fuckin’ curiosity for people to wonder at? Some kinda’ oddity to poke and prod at and then forget about soon as it stopped bein’ interestin’? Is that what these people thought?

Levi can feel his face twist into a scowl.

Wasn’t nothin’ interestin’ about it. Wasn’t nothin’ but sick suffering and pain. Air stale and thick with constant damp, pressin’ down on you from all sides, all the time. Winters without any kinda’ sun, no warmth, keepin’ the world frozen and deadly months past what it would be on the surface. The kinda’ cold you could never get outta’ your bones. People starvin’ to death. Dyin’ from disease, filth and sickness and havin’ nothin’. Not even a fuckin’ pot to piss in. Not knowin’… not knowin’ from one day to the next if you’d even be able to eat, not knowin’ where your next meal was gonna’ come from. Feelin’ like the luckiest fuckin’ person alive, if you could manage to find a piece of mold-ridden bread in a gutter somewhere. Like the luciest person alive, if you could find clean water to drink.

Fuckin’… nothin’ interestin’ about it!

And suddenly Levi can’t stand to be here. Can’t stand to be around anyone. Suddenly, he’s gotta’ get the fuck out. Gotta’ go somewhere, anywhere else.

He jumps to his feet, starts walkin’ away, fast.

He hears Hange start, hears her call out to him, askin’ him what’s wrong.

But he can’t tell her. He can’t even explain it to himself, what it is he’s feelin’. Just knows it’s a kinda’ crushin’, suffocatin’ pressure, deep inside, and he’s gotta’ get away.

So he keeps walkin’, ‘till Hange’s voice fades into nothin’, and keeps walkin’ still.

Don’t know where he’s goin’.

Don’t think there’s anywhere for him, anymore.

Nowhere for him, in this too big, too comfortable world.

Chapter Text

They’re out on expedition when it happens.

A group of a dozen Titans comes at them from their left flank, emerging from out a copes of tall trees. There are abnormals among them, three at least that Erwin can spot immediately.

They charge, and Erwin is already yelling out orders to get in formation, even as he grabs up his flare gun and lifts it high above his head, firing off a shot into the sky.

Levi is already up out of his saddle, already launching himself into the air, his grapples hooked into the nearest Titan’s shoulder and reeling him fast toward it.

He’s taken out an abnormal and two regulars before any of the rest of them can even get themselves up out of their saddles, and for a moment, Erwin stares, transfixed, at the younger man’s movement.

His speed is unreal. The power with which he brings his blades down, the precision. He flies like he was born to it. Like it comes natural to him as breathing.

Erwin can still scarcely believe Levi never received any kind of training, even as he knows it to be true.

People from the Underground weren’t considered citizens. They weren’t allowed to join the military.

There isn’t anywhere Levi could have learned.

And still, he’s better than all of them. So much better.

Erwin, Hange and Mike take to the air, Mike bringing down another abnormal on his own, while he and Hange deal with a 12 meter together.

The rest of their squad join the action.

Between them, they dispatch the remaining Titans with relative ease. Levi ends up taking out seven on his own, including the last abnormal, and the rest is just mop up work.

One of their squad, a fresh recruit named Peter, had frozen up, and still sits paralyzed in the saddle, staring wide eyed and shocked.

Earlier that day, before they’d left the walls, he’d been giving Levi a hard time, harassing him about his size, mocking him and questioning how he could be considered the best soldier in the Scouts.

Levi had been ignoring him, unresponsive, standing with his arms crossed tight over his chest and staring into the distance, like he couldn’t hear the other man at all. Erwin had been able to see the strained turn of his mouth though, and knew Peter was about ten seconds away from getting his teeth knocked down his throat.

So Erwin had begun to stride forward, ready to intervene before Levi landed himself into another situation requiring disciplinary action, but Hange had beaten him to it, shoving herself between them and telling Peter to lay off.

Levi had startled, looking up at Hange in surprise, before his expression had again gone flat, and he’d muttered something which Erwin couldn’t make out.

Hange had laughed, and thrown her arm around Levi’s shoulders, pulling him tight against her side.

Levi had gone stiff as a board at that, but hadn’t tried to pull away either, and Erwin had felt an odd kind of relief to see it.

Leave it to Hange to try and befriend the one person whom every other Scout seemed to try and avoid as if he were the plague.

Levi needed friends, Erwin had thought. He needed someone to help him. To try for him. He wasn’t any good at talking to people.

Erwin suspected, more than anything, it was because he didn’t really know how. Suspected Levi had spent most of his life alone.

Nobody sees the Titan that comes at them from the opposite side, cresting over the hill, until it’s too late.

The thing runs with ungodly speed, and Peter, still frozen on his horse, sits directly in its line of trajectory.

Erwin screams at him to move, but he doesn’t, and the Titan is coming up on the man too fast for any of them to reach him in time.

Erwin feels a sick resignation sink down in his gut, and he squeezes his eyes shut, turning his face away for what he knows comes next.

His ears fill with the hiss of ODM gear engaging, and his eyes come open in time to see the blurred form of Levi whizz past him, a wash of bled together colors.

Erwin’s head snaps aside to follow Levi, and his heart kicks, horrible and dread-filled in his chest, as he sees what will happen.

Levi is fast enough to reach Peter before the Titan does, but not fast enough to get them both out of its path in time. His arms wrap round the new recruits torso, using his momentum to lift him up out of the saddle and toss him away, just as the Titan comes crashing through.

Peter misses being hit by mere inches.

Levi doesn’t.

The Titan hits him, dead on, along with the horse, and both of them go flying, Levi infinitely farther, his small body like a ragdoll through the air.

Erwin can only watch, horrified, as Levi hits the ground, hard, a horrific whump splitting the air as his body connects with the earth.

The horse, somehow, is alright, whinnying madly as it rolls back up to its feet and takes off like a rocket in the opposite direction, and Erwin clings desperately to that as he screams for Mike to take care of the Titan before he spurs his horse around and takes off at a gallop to where Levi remains unmoving on the ground.

Hange joins him, her voice frantic at his back.

“Oh God, is he…!?”

“I don’t know!” Erwin yells back.

His eyes are trained on Levi, his heart hammering wildly in his chest, mouth dry and throat tight.

God… God, why did he have to…

But Erwin knows why.

Levi saved people.

That was who Levi was.

Even assholes like Peter who shit all over him just hours before, laughing at him.

Levi never thought of it. Never considered who was deserving and who wasn’t.

He just saved people.

Damned, selfless, brave idiot.

Erwin didn’t deserve to have him under his command.

He pulls on the horses reins feet away, driving him to stop before jumping from the saddle and running the rest of the way to where Levi is.

Hange is close behind.

Erwin gets to him first, dropping to his knees and reaching out.

“Careful! His neck could be injured!” Hange’s breathless voice warns at his back.

Levi is turned away from them, crumpled on his side. His cape is torn ragged at its hem, his uniform and hair caked in dirt and grass.

He looks as small and fragile as a child.

Hange comes skidding around his other side, and from the way her face momentarily contorts, Erwin knows whatever it is she sees must be bad.

His heart flips nasty in his chest.

“Shit, he… he’s torn up.” Hange says, her voice shaking as she also drops to her knees.

Erwin forces himself to move around to Levi’s front to see what she’s talking about.

She isn’t lying.

His face is a mess of cuts and already swelling bruises, smeared in dirt and blood. His eyes are closed, mouth open.

Stupidly, Erwin thinks even his teeth are small.

Hange reaches out, pressing her fingers to the pulse point on his neck, and Erwin feels tight fear coil in his gut.

“… He’s alive.” She says after what seems forever, and Erwin feels that fear uncoil, only a little.

“… What do we do?” He asks, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

It isn’t as though he’s never been in this position before, with fallen and injured comrades. It isn’t like he shouldn’t be used to it by now. He is. Usually. Usually, he’s able to keep himself calmer than this.

But Levi… Levi doesn’t deserve this.

He never signed up for this. He never volunteered, like all the rest of them. Damn it. Damn it. Erwin dragged him here, and now, now…

“We need to get him onto a stretcher and loaded into one of the wagons. We have to be careful moving him. We don’t know the extent of his injuries yet.”

“Right.” Erwin nods. “I’ll go get help. Hange, stay here with him, alright?”

Hange nods, her eyes still on Levi.

“Yeah, of course.”

Erwin acts as quickly as possible.

The other Scouts are still in a daze, confused and scared. Several of them try to ask Erwin about Levi as he passes them by, but he can’t be bothered to explain to them the situation beyond telling them they needed to get Levi loaded onto a wagon as quickly as they could and head back toward the wall.

He spots Peter, sitting up on the ground, being looked after by two other Scouts. His eyes are as wide as saucers, his body visibly shaking.

Erwin feels an irrational pull of anger toward the man.

He knows it isn’t really his fault. So many recruits froze up on their first mission outside the wall. It was just… if he’d only moved when Erwin yelled for him to, none of this would be happening. Levi wouldn’t have gotten hurt…

And the bastard had been so unkind to Levi earlier too.

It doesn’t take them long to get Levi loaded onto a stretcher. Hange’s got his neck in a make-shift brace she’s fashioned out of some wood and torn up material, though she tells Erwin she doesn’t think Levi’s neck is broken, or even really injured, from what she can tell. It’s just a precaution.

He does, however, have a couple of fractured ribs, and a broken right leg. He’d landed on it awkwardly, the limb folding underneath him as he’d hit the ground, snapping the tibia clean.

Hange thinks he might have a broken cheek bone too, but she isn’t sure.

Levi doesn’t stay unconscious on the way back, and he’s in so much obvious, overwhelming pain, each bump and rock the wagon hits drawing a sharp gasp from him. His skin is clammy, even paler than usual, his teeth gritted hard the entire way. His eyes are cloudy and unfocused, one hand continually reaching up and grasping at his hair, tearing hard at it. Hange grabs hold of his hand, finally, squeezing tight, and Levi doesn’t bother to protest, only gripping back.

He doesn’t cry. Erwin isn’t exactly surprised. Levi was tough as nails.

“… Is he alive?” Levi asks after a while, his voice strained and thin, the words panting out of him.

“Who?” Hange starts, before she realizes who Levi means, her eyes going wide.

“Oh, you mean… Peter?”

Levi breaths out, heavy and labored.

“… Yeah.”

“He’s alive. And uninjured.” Erwin steps in. “You saved him Levi.”

“… Kay.” Levi answers.

It’s hard for him to talk, Erwin can tell.

He can hardly believe he’s even asking about the other man. But then, Erwin shouldn’t be surprised by that either.

“… What about the horse?” He asks a moment later.

Hange laughs, disbelieving as Erwin feels.

Levi’s eyes shift up to her, flat and without understanding.

“The horse made it. If you can believe.” She tells him, seeing he doesn’t get her amusement. “We had to send someone out to find him. Luckily, he only ran about a mile before stopping.”

Levi swallows, his head tilting in what Erwin thinks is supposed to be a nod.

“Kay.” He says again, before his eyes slip closed, his brow furrowed in stress.

“We’ll be back soon.” Erwin promises. “Just a little ways longer, and we’ll get you taken care of.”

“… Yeah.”

Erwin doesn’t say anything else, thinking it best to let Levi rest as much as possible for now.

Guilt churns in his gut.

He’d been ready to let Peter die. Been ready to accept his death as unavoidable.

Levi hadn’t.

The ride back is otherwise, thank God, uneventful, no further Titans encountered, and they make it back to Wall Maria in under two hours.

Levi gets taken to the infirmary, and Erwin orders Hange to stay with him while he goes with Shadis to fill in the reports.

Once he’s finished, Erwin makes his way to where he knows Levi is being taken care of.

He’s surprised to see Mike there, along with Hange, both of them sat by the bed they’ve got Levi in, talking with him.

Levi looks better, his leg freshly done up in a cast, the cuts littering his face cleaned, the nastier ones bandaged. His face is relaxed, free of the lines of stress which had earlier marred it, and Erwin thinks they must have given him some sort of pain killer.

“Hey,” Erwin starts, stepping up to the foot of the bed. “you look better.”

Levi’s eyes shift up to him, heavy with exhaustion, seeming to dull the normally sharp, steel grey of his irises. Erwin can’t help but take note of the dark circles marring the skin beneath, and he wonders when the last time was Levi really slept.

Erwin knows the younger man has difficulty sleeping. Has found Levi, more than once, wandering the halls of the barracks in the middle of the night, like a lost ghost, listless and pale and unnoticed.

Levi doesn’t say anything.

“I was telling Levi how amazing he did back there.” Mike steps in.

Erwin’s brows raise at the compliment.

Mike and Levi hadn’t exactly hit it off, their relationship tense at best since Levi had come here. Not surprising, Erwin knows, given how Mike had held Levi’s face down in a puddle of muddy water at Erwin’s order the first time they’d met. Erwin hadn’t given any consideration at the time to how humiliating that must have been for the younger man. To be handled that way by a group of high-ranking military officers, for all intents and purposes the people who worked for the very Royal Government which lived a life of luxury and excess above the people of the Underground as they struggled and fought simply to survive another day.

It must have seemed grotesque in its unfairness, Erwin thinks. Levi’s rage at it was hardly unjustified.

“… Wasn’t nothin’…” Levi mutters. His eyes lower to the sheets of his cot, picking at the material with his small, blunt fingers.

“Bullshit.” Mike protests, shaking his head. “You saved Peter back there, when none of us even tried. I don’t think any of us coulda’ done anything. Not fast enough. But we didn’t even try. You did.”

Again Levi is silent. Erwin can see a deep furrow form between his brows, his lips pulling down at the corners. It’s a look of confusion, Erwin thinks. Like he doesn’t understand what Mike is even talking about.

“You’ve got to let me run some tests on you Levi!” Hange jumps in. “I mean, I knew you were fast, but that was unbelievable! How do you even do that!? It’s gotta be something to do with how small you are, right!?”

Erwin sighs, shaking his head.

“Maybe you two should let Levi rest for now. He’s suffered serious injuries, if you recall.”

Both Hange and Mike look sheepish as Erwin’s reminder sinks in, the two of them muttering apologies to Levi before bowing out.

Erwin watches them go before turning back to Levi, taking a seat beside him.

“How are you feeling Levi?” He asks softly.

Levi’s eyes stay fixed down. He shrugs, giving a halfhearted grunt in response.

Erwin’s lips press tight together.

He feels so often at a loss in trying to talk to Levi. The younger man was so stoic, and it made him often difficult to read. The both of them had come from such different worlds, too, leaving, it seemed to Erwin, little common ground between them.

He wishes he knew better how to draw Levi out of his withdrawn silence.

“Mike is right, you know. That was incredibly brave of you, back there. I… I know Peter hasn’t been treating you well either. You showed us all what it really means to be a soldier with what you did.”

Erwin notices Levi’s knuckles go white where he grips the sheets to hard, and a long moment passes before he says anything.

“… Stupid kid needs to learn to watch his back better.”

“Yes, he does.” Erwin agrees. “I think I’ll set him extra reps in training, to make sure he understands.”

Erwin smiles at Levi, but Levi doesn’t smile back, the same, dour look on his face.

Nearly a minute passes without either of them saying a word, and Erwin opens his mouth to break the silence. Only Levi beats him to it.

“… They don’t understand nothin’ ‘bout death.” He says, voice almost a whisper. “They ain’t… ain’t seen it close enough to understand. Guess… ‘cause they’re too young and all. They don’t… don’t come from where you see it all the time.”

Erwin waits, thinking Levi will go on, but he doesn’t, just keeps fidgeting with the material of his cot’s sheets.

Erwin frowns, heart heavy.

“You must have seen a lot of death, in the Underground?” He risks asking.

Levi is still for a moment, before he nods absently.

“… Yeah.”

He goes quiet again for long seconds, before his rough, low voice continues.

“People drop like flies down there. Drop dead in the street and all. Ya… ya know? Most of ‘em, it’s cause of starvin’ to death. Or… or disease. Lotta’ sickness, down there. On account ‘a the air, I reckon. Bad air. Sometimes… sometimes, I think people die down there just ‘cause they’re feelin’ so low. Ya know? Ya know what I mean?”

Erwin doesn’t know, but he nods anyway. He’s never seen that kind of thing. Never seen people die due to something as mundane and tragic as poverty.

Levi nods too, fingers still picking at the sheets.

“Yeah, ‘cause it… it’s rough goin’, tryin’ not to starve and all. Sometimes it’s easier jus’ to let yourself go. Hurts less, ya know? Few times, I… I even thought about…”

Levi trails off.

Erwin feels a heavy ache in his chest, his throat tight with something unspeakable.

“Eh, but what am I talkin’? Stupid… stupid brats up here ain’t got no sense, is all. Gotta’ learn ‘em. Gotta’ teach ‘em their lives matter more than that. Right? I was always tryin’ down there to… to learn ‘em that. Learn ‘em their lives matter more than that. That’s right. Ain’t it? Ain’t it right?”

Levi finally looks up at him, and there’s such an open, earnest expression in his eyes that Erwin nearly has to look away, something heartbreaking in it.

He forces himself to look back, nodding.

“Yes.” He agrees, and feels a breathless wonder in his heart as he realizes Levi isn’t mad at Peter at all. Only upset at how he almost lost his life. Peter, who’s been nothing but scathing and unkind towards Levi in the months they’ve both been here. And Levi, who only cared that he’d almost died.

Erwin reaches out without thinking then, placing his hand gently over Levi’s own. It covers the younger man’s completely. Levi jerks at the contact, eyes going wide, gaze shifting between Erwin’s hand and his face.

“You’re a good person, Levi.” Erwin tells him. “I hope you know that.”

Levi looks at him, something lost and uncertain in his gaze, and Erwin thinks, heart heavy, that Levi doesn’t know it at all.

Chapter Text

His leg fuckin’ hurts. A low, throbbing ache pulsating up and into his hip every, few seconds. It hurts to breathe, too, every inhale like a knife jammed between his ribs.

Ain’t nothin’ he ain’t used to. Levi’d had busted ribs plenty of times in his life. Never had no broken leg or nothin’. But broken fingers, busted ribs. Had his nose busted more times than he could count.

They told him he could take whatever pain killer they’d had him on in the infirmary, but Levi refused. He wasn’t gonna’ get hooked on no kinda’ shit. Seen plenty of people get hooked on that stuff. Seen how it ruined ‘em. Wasn’t gonna’ do it. The pain was fine. Wasn’t nothin’ he couldn’t handle.

The worst part was gettin’ around on these damned crutches they’d given him. Limpin’ around like some kinda’ cripple.

It makes Levi feel exposed in a way he don’t like.

He knows how people are. Fuckin’ predators, is what. They see a hurt animal, they go after it. And he knew he still had plenty of enemies here. Plenty of other soldiers who still didn’t like him, on account of where he come from. And on account of his not bein’ sociable, or obedient.

Levi hadn’t never followed no rules in his life, and he wasn’t gonna’ start now just to make a buncha’ assholes who couldn’t decide for themselves happy. Fuck that. Fuck them.

Well, he guesses they’re thinkin’ the same, if the group of idiots in front of him is anything to go by.

There’s four of ‘em. Typical, coward shit. Even hobbled up like this, he guesses they ain’t feelin’ too sure of their chances.

“Where do ya think you’re goin’, shrimpy?” One of em’ eggs. “Don’t you wanna’ play with us?”

“Heard you got yourself kicked across a field by a Titan. I thought you were supposed to be some kinda’ ultra bad-ass. Guess that isn’t true, huh?”

Levi doesn’t respond. Ain’t no point. They were tryin’ to goad him into a fight, but Levi ain’t in the mood. He ain’t stupid either. His leg bein’ broken is enough to lose him a tussle, one against four.

Given how he always got blamed for this shit too, it not seemin’ to matter to the higher-ups who started what, Levi wasn’t feelin’ inclined to take the bait.

He tries movin’ around the fuckers. Predictably, they step into his path, cutting him off.

“I asked where you were goin’, you fuckin’ ugly midget.”

Levi keeps his eyes fixed ahead. He doesn’t wanna look up at the bastard blocking his way.

“Move.” He says.

“Why don’t you make me?”

Levi can hear the smirk in the shitheads voice, and a spike of anger goes off in his chest. Levi’s teeth grit together, forcing it back down.

“Just move, you fuckin’ asslicker.” Her repeats.

The son of a bitch’s response is to reach out and shove against Levi’s shoulder.

There’s force behind it, like he’s really tryin’ to knock Levi onto his ass. It don’t work though, and Levi looks up into his dumb, red face long enough to see the surprise, before he feels himself lose hold of his own temper.

He brings the crutch under his right arm up in an arc, slammin’ the hard wood of its base into the fucker’s temple, knockin’ him cold.

It’s a mistake, and Levi knows it even as he’s doin’ it. Losin’ the support of the crutch leaves him off balance, and the other three don’t hesitate to take advantage.

They jump him, all at once. The broken leg’s robbed him of his mobility. In a moment, they’ve got him on the ground. Two of ‘em grab him by his wrists, jerkin’ his arms up over his head. Levi feels the dull pressure as they pin his wrists to the ground under their knees, bearing down with the full weight of their bodies, four sets of hands gripping him along his arms. Levi has to bite the inside of his cheek, hard, to keep down the gasp of pain which threatens in his throat.

He tries pullin’ free, but he's afraid... he knows... knows what can happen when he uses his strength. Knows how men can come apart in his his hands. Just his hands. He don't... don't wanna' kill them. Don't want to destroy 'em.

The third man moves on top of him, straddling his hips, pinning his legs down. The extra weight on his ribs forces the gasp in his throat past his teeth.

Levi huffs, a harsh, desperate breath through his nose. Somethin’ sick and awful grips at his throat, his gut turnin’ over all nasty. Memories. Memories like poison in his mind. Used to… used to happen, all the time. This kinda’ thing. Down in the dark. Down there. ‘For he got tough. Got strong. Used to get touched like this. Hard, mean hands that hurt him. Hurt him all the time. And wasn’t… wasn’t nothin’ he could do. ‘Cause he was weak, and nothin’… couldn’t fight ‘em off. Finch, and, and the men… the men that came into where him and his mama lived, they’d put their hands on him too, sometimes, all hard and mean like… and other kids. Other, mean, hard kids who was always bigger. Always bigger. Everyone was always so much bigger than him, and he couldn’t… Sometimes Kenny’d beat him half blind too. Sometimes he’d beat him ‘till he’d screamed himself raw, and pissed all in his pants, and that’d just make Kenny meaner, ‘cause he told Levi he was weak, and wasn’t no way… wasn’t no way he was gonna’ survive, down there, not bein’ so weak and all.

“What’s the matter? Where’s the tough guy now, huh?” The pig on top of him crows, like he didn’t need his two, shitty friends to take Levi down to begin with.

“Fuck you!” Levi spits. He tries to rear up. Tries to slam his head against the bastards face, break his fuckin’ nose.

The soldier is expectin’ it though, pullin’ back just in time. And he starts to laugh. All three of ‘em, they starts laughin’.

Levi’s face burns, and he wants… he wants to fuckin’ tear the bastards faces off. Wants to knock their God damned teeth down their shitty fuckin’ throats.

The one on top of him finally quits his laughin’, and looks down at Levi, a scowl twistin’ his face all up.

“We don’t want your kind around here, you fuckin’ filthy street trash.” He says.

Levi opens his mouth to tell him to go fuck himself, but the words die in his throat when the man’s fist sinks into his side, right into his busted ribs.

The pain is too much.

Levi’s eyes go wide in his head, a harsh, shocked gasp slippin’ from his mouth. His head spins as the pain gets worse and worse, ratcheting up, his vision swimming.

He thinks he hears ‘em laughin’ again. The sons of bitch’s.

Sees the mouth of the fuck on top of him movin’, talkin’ to him. But Levi can’t make out none of his words.

“… like that, huh?” His voice finally comes into focus. “You want another one?”

Levi snarls, pullin’ with all his strength against the hold on his wrists. But he can’t get no fuckin’ leverage, and any fight he had in him dies when the man on top again sinks his fist into his broken ribs.

Stars burst in front of Levi’s eyes, and there’s a sharp ringing in his ears now. High and steely and painful in his head. His whole side’s on fire. Like someone doused him in fuckin’ oil and took a lit match to him.

The fucker on top’s talkin’ again. Levi can’t even think through the pain.

“… ask real nice, maybe we’ll let you go, huh? Come on, Levi, lets hear you beg.”

Levi wasn’t gonna’ do that. He’d fuckin’ die first. Fuckin’ glad to do it.

“Come on, little guy. Be a good boy and ask real nice, and I promise, we’ll let you up. Huh? Wadda’ ya say?”

“Suck my fuckin’ cock, you ugly fuckin’ prick!” Levi screams.

“Oh, ho, ho, listen to the filthy mouth on this one!” The one on top crows, laughin’ again. “I bet you’d like that though, wouldn’t you? Probably one of those fuckin’ queers. You already belong in a fuckin’ sideshow, ugly ass dwarf that you are. I bet you’ve got one of those tiny little dicks too, don’t ya? Bet it’s like a little kid’s.”

“Take his pants off and lets find out!” One of them holdin’ his wrists starts. “I wanna see his shrimp dick!”

Levi feels sick.

They’re all whoopin’ and hollerin’ and eggin’ each other on.

Levi’s mind starts to fade.

Fuck it, then. If this was gonna’ happen. They could do whatever the fuck they wanted. He wasn’t gonna’ beg. Wouldn’t ever fuckin’ beg for nothin’. Not ever again. Never fuckin’ again.

He feels the bastard’s hands on his belt, fumblin’ with the clasp.

He turns his face away, fixes his eyes ahead at nothin’.

Wasn’t even that bad, he figures. Compared to everything else. Wasn’t nothin’ he couldn’t handle.

Thick, clumsy fingers undoin’ the button of his pants, pullin’ at the fly. Diggin’ into the waist, tuggin’ hard.

“What the hell is going on here!?”

A sharp voice cracks over his ears, and the hands holdin’ him down are suddenly gone.

“S-Squad leader!” One of the bastard’s stutters, the sound of all three of ‘em shifting up to their fit fillin’ the air.

Levi turns his head, pushin’ himself up with his elbows against the ground, and sees Mike standin’ there a few paces away. He’s got a look on his face of complete disgust.

“You!” He snaps, his eyes fixed on the fucker that’s been straddlin’ Levi’s hips. “Who is your commanding officer?”

“S-Squad Leader Haskins, S-Sir!”

Mike’s lips twist into a scowl, his anger plain.

“I see. Well, Haskin’s will be hearing about this, won’t he? Report to him now, tell him what you’ve been doing. If I find out from him later you haven’t been completely honest, I’ll make sure to suggest a week in the cells below. Understood?”

“Y-yes Sir! Of course Sir!”

“Now get the fuck out of here, and take your idiot friend with you.” He nods at the man Levi had managed to knock out before the others jumped him, still unconscious on the ground.

The three scramble, lifting up their buddy and takin’ off fast as they can.

Mike starts towards Levi.

Levi stays where he is, lookin’ up at the giant Squad Leader, uncertain.

Mike stops, grabbing up Levi’s crutches, before holdin’ out his hand. Levi stares at it for a long moment, before figurin’ he ought’a take it.

Mike’s hand is as big as Levi’s whole fuckin’ head, his own lookin’ pathetically small in the bigger man’s palm, and he feels suddenly like a stupid child as Mike hauls him to his feet like he weigh’s nothin’. He keeps one of his massive paws on Levi’s shoulder, holdin’ him steady as he hands him back his crutches.

That was another point of embarrassment. They’d had to give Levi little kid crutches, ‘cause all the ones for adults was too big for him.

“… Thanks.” Levi mutters, his face hot.

Mike’s frownin’ still, and Levi watches his eyes drop down to the undone clasp of his belt, the undone button of his pants.

“Fuck, were they…” he starts.

Levi turns away, gettin’ the crutches under the pits of his arms.

“I dunno.” He answers. “They just wanted to make fun ‘a my dick, I think.”

“… Oh.” Mike says. “Shit. Hey, are you alright? You look like you’re in pain.”

Levi’s leanin’ heavy on the crutches, the pain from gettin’ hit in the ribs still torchin’ him from the inside, his breaths comin’ too hard. He can feel a thick layer ‘a sweat coatin’ his forehead.

“Yeah, jus’… fucker hit me in the ribs a couple times.”

“Fuckin’ bastards!” Mike starts, and Levi’s surprised by the anger in his voice. “Buncha’ fuckin’ cowards! Hey, you want to go back to the infirmary? Get checked out?”

Levi shakes his head.

“I’m alright.”

His hands fumble with the button on his pants. Fuck, it was hard to do the simplest shit when you couldn’t even stand without these damned things.

“You sure?” Mike presses. “You should probably get checked out, just in case.”

Again Levi shakes his head.

He finally gets his pants and belt done back up.

He turns, lookin’ up at Mike. Standin’ this close, he has to crane his neck back all the way just to see his face.

“… Thanks. For helpin’ me.”

And Mike smiles.

“Sure, man. Of course. Shit, I wasn’t gonna’ let those two piss ants fuck with ya.”

Levi can only blink up at him, not knowin’ what to say.

Mike had acted like he hated him not more than a week ago, and now he was actin’ like he was his best fuckin’ friend.

Everyone in this place is fuckin’ nuts, Levi thinks dismally.

Things get weird then, the silence that falls between ‘em heavy and strained.

Levi flicks at his nose.

“I gotta’ meet with Erwin.” He tells Mike.

It’s not entirely untrue. Erwin was expectin’ him sometime this afternoon to start his reading and writing lessons. Levi can’t say he’s lookin’ forward to it. But Erwin kept pushin’ him on it, and sayin’ no was more trouble than it was worth. He thinks Erwin’ll get fed up eventually, when he realizes Levi ain’t got the brains for that kinda’ thing. And then he won’t have to worry about it no more.

“Alright.” Mike nods. “Well, me and some of the Corps are getting together for drinks later tonight, if… you’re interested?”

Not this shit again. First that psycho Hange, and now the suddenly friendly fuckin’ giant?

This ain’t worth arguin’ either, so Levi just shrugs.

“Maybe.” He says, knowin’ already he won’t show up at all.

Can’t figure why any of ‘em wanna hang out with him no how.

All he could do for any of ‘em, Levi thinks, is make things shittier.

Chapter Text

Levi holds a pen the way one would hold a broom handle, Erwin thinks, his mouth pulling down at the corners as he watches the young man across from him struggling to write.

Erwin has him working on the alphabet. Writing out the printed capital and lowercase letters and starting with their phonetic shapes.

It… isn’t easy.

Just from watching him, Erwin doesn’t think Levi’s probably ever tried this. His writing is as clumsy and clunky as a toddlers might be, the lines crooked and uneven, at times too big, and then too small. Levi’s hand shakes as he tries to keep the writing utensil steady, pressing the tip far too hard against the paper. More than once, he’s torn a hole through the thin material.

Beyond that, he has no idea what any of the letters are, or how they’re meant to sound. He’s only ever signed his name by marking an X, he tells Erwin.

They’re starting quite literally from scratch.

Erwin asks Levi to copy each letter, from Aa to Zz. The process is painstakingly slow. It takes the young man nearly half an hour to complete it, and when he hands the copied out lines back to Erwin, his cheeks are tinged red, his eyes skittering away. He’s embarrassed, Erwin thinks. Erwin wishes he wouldn’t be, even as he understands it.

Levi’s handwriting is awful, barely legible.

Erwin forces himself to smile.

“Good job, Levi. It’s just going to take some practice, but this is a good start.”

Levi won’t look at him. His hands fidget with the material of his pants.

Erwin notices the sweat lining Levi’s upper lip. The lines of stress around his eyes.

“Are you feeling unwell?” He asks. He’d noticed Levi seemed uncomfortable the moment he’d walked into his office, less than an hour ago. Erwin had put it down to the stress of trying to learn something new at the age of 25, but looking at him now, Erwin thinks maybe Levi is in physical discomfort.

Levi shrugs.

“I’m alright.” He answers.

“You look a little sick.” Erwin presses. “Is your leg bothering you?”

Another shrug.

Erwin frowns, folding his hands together on top of the table.

“Do you want to take a break? If you like, I can brew some tea.”

That gets Levi to look up at him, if only briefly. Erwin thinks there’s something almost like excitement in his eyes.

“You got tea?” He asks, like he can’t believe it.

Erwin nods.

“Of course. Would you like some?”

“Yeah… I mean, yes, Sir.”

Erwin smiles.

“Alright then. Just give me a few minutes.”

Erwin moves to the small kitchenette near the back of his office, gathering the necessary supplies.

After a few seconds, he hears the legs of a chair scraping against the floor, and a labored shuffling as Levi moves across the space, toward him.

When Erwin looks back, he sees Levi standing just a few feet from him, his eyes fixed on the bag of tea in Erwin’s hands.

“… That real tea? You… you got real tea? What kind? What kind you got?”

Erwin blinks.

“Uh…” he starts, stupidly. “I think… well, I don’t actually know? Someone else actually places the orders for this stuff, so…” he trails off, and realizes he’s a little taken aback by Levi’s sudden, seemingly intense interest. “Do… you want to see it?” He asks.

Levi’s eyes shift up to him, and he looks just as startled as Erwin feels.

Erwin smiles uncertainly, holding the bag out towards the younger man.

Levi blinks, his gaze shifting back to the bag, before, tentatively, he reaches out, taking it from Erwin.

Erwin watches as Levi struggles to unwind the string holding the bag closed while keeping balanced on his crutches, but eventually he gets there. He shakes the bag, peering into it, before lifting it to his face, smelling it. His eyes seem to shine. Erwin doesn’t think he’s ever seen such an expression on Levi’s face before

“It’s oolong and rose.” Levi looks up at him, and his lips twitch in an almost smile. He looks genuinely excited now.

Erwin stares back at him, his brain working to catch up to what he’s just heard.

“Oh…” he starts. “you… can tell by smelling it?”

Levi nods, his attention back on the bag, once again sniffing at the contents.

He looks like a little kid who’s just gotten exactly what he wanted for his birthday, Erwin thinks bemusedly. How strange.

“… This here’s good. Good tea.” Levi’s gaze shifts to him again. “… I heard, anyhow. I ain’t… ain’t never had none, but… I heard.”

“Ah, yes. Well… I’m no sort of expert, but I suppose it tastes alright. Are… you interested in that sort of thing Levi?”

Levi looks away again. He holds the bag back out for Erwin to take, shrugs.

“… Yeah.” He admits. His voice is quiet, almost shy, Erwin thinks. “I guess.”

Erwin takes the tea.

It’s unexpected, getting to learn such a personal detail about Levi. The young man rarely speaks about himself at all. Rarely divulges anything so… intimate. Erwin feels almost privileged to have learned it, as small a thing it might be.

“Well, maybe you can educate me in the ways of tea, in exchange for my helping you with your reading and writing.”

Erwin says it in an attempt to offer Levi some kind of equal footing. He isn’t so dense as to think the relationship between them began on even terms. Erwin knows what he did. He knows the unfairness, some might say cruelty, of it. Manipulating Levi and his friends as he did, drawing them in and using them as a means of incriminating Lobov, while gaining in Levi the most skilled and powerful soldier he had ever lain eyes on.

It isn’t something Erwin is proud of.

Not that he regrets it. He can’t. Levi’s strength had given the Survey Corps a boost of inspiration immeasurable in its value, his mere presence out there in the field ensuring the saving of more lives, and the eradication of more Titans.

But… Levi’s friends dying, and the way they had… Erwin thinks, at times, he might regret that.

Erwin’s lain awake some nights since that awful day, thinking on it. Knowing, if he hadn’t manipulated Lobov into hiring Levi and his friends in the first place, that young man and girl would still be alive. They and Levi would still be in the Underground, living their lives. Hard and struggling, Erwin thinks, but still, alive… and together.

He knows their loss has hurt Levi, though the boy won’t speak on it with Erwin beyond a few, measured words.

That first night back, after they’d made it back to the Wall, Erwin had gone in the dead of night to check on his newest recruit, concerned for his mental well-being, and found his bed in the barracks empty. None of his bunk mates had known where he’d gone.

Erwin had stumbled upon him by mere chance, out in the stables. As he’d been passing by, he’d heard a sound like sobbing, and coming closer, careful to keep quiet, he’d peeked in through the open door, and seen Levi with his horse. He’d had the mare’s snout pulled down over the stall door, his face pressed to it. He’d been crying. Erwin had hardly been able to believe it, staring wide eyed and shocked.

He’d stayed only a few, short seconds, before, like a coward, he’d fled, an awful sense of having seen something he had no right to pervading his mind.

Erwin knows he has no right to Levi’s grief. That it’s something only Levi should be allowed to share, if ever he grows to trust Erwin that much.

Erwin isn’t at all certain the young man will, or even that he should.

Whatever reaction Erwin had been hoping for from his words, it isn’t Levi suddenly stiffening up on his crutches, his expression shuddering and drawn.

“That supposed to be funny?” Levi nearly snarls, eyes flashing angry.

Erwin blinks, nonplussed.

“I’m sorry?”

Levi’s expression only grows stormier.

“Don’t be actin’ like that.” He starts, clearly angry now. “Don’t be actin’… actin’ like you don’t know. I ain’t stupid. I ain’t that stupid. You… you’re all so fuckin’ refined, up here, ain’t ya? All of you, so fuckin’ smart and fancy. It make you feel good, or somethin’? Helpin’ out the poor, dumb street trash? What is it? You laugh an’ shit with all you’re shitty friends, talkin’… talkin’ ‘bout your stupid pet monkey, huh? That what I am to you? You think it’s funny?”

“Levi,” Erwin shakes his head, not understanding where any of this is coming from. “what are you talking about? I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”

“Like teachin’ you some useless shit about tea’s gotta’ be the same as teachin’ me to read?!” Levi snaps. “I ain’t got nothin’ to teach you, you… you fuck! You think I don’t know? You ain’t gotta’ rub it in my face like that. You ain’t gotta’… gotta’ be so fuckin’ mean Erwin.”

Erwin stares, and suddenly it clicks in his brain.

How… how condescending his suggestion must have sounded.

Oh, God…

What an idiot he was.

He swallows, shaking his head.

“Levi, I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean it that way, I swear to you. I truly didn’t. I was careless with my wording. I only meant I would be interested in learning more about the things you’re interested in. And I don’t… I don’t at all think you have nothing to teach me, or the rest of us here. Quite the opposite. You have so much to offer. Not just your ability to fight for us. You understand so many things that none of us here possibly could. Why do you think I value your opinion so much? I don’t ask you for your thoughts because I’m trying to pass the time, Levi. You help me understand our world better. You… remind me of the reasons we’re doing all of this in the first place. You understand? I would never mock you.”

Levi stares back up at him, his eyes narrowed. Only the anger is slowly draining from his expression, replaced by open uncertainty and thought. He shifts on his crutches, his hands turning white knuckled along their grips.

Erwin does his best to make his own expression as open as he can. He’s being sincere. He wants Levi to understand that.

And finally, Levi seems to relax, the tightness of his shoulders loosening.

He looks away, the tips of his ears turning red.

“… Yeah, well…” he starts. “alright.”

“Alright?” Erwin smiles.

Levi glances back at him, mouth pulled down at the corners.

“Don’t push it, Smith.” He says.

Erwin raises his hands in surrender, his smile turning to a grin.

Levi huffs, turning away again.

“… I’m sorry.” He mutters. “I get angry too easy, sometimes.”

“It’s alright Levi.” Erwin promises. “I should have made myself more clear.”

“Nah.” Levi shakes his head. “Nah, it ain’t… ain’t nothin’ you did. I’m just…”

He stops, shakes his head again. He doesn’t say anything more.

Erwin hesitates only a moment, before reaching out, placing his hand gently on the younger man’s shoulder.

“Go on and sit down. You shouldn’t be putting too much weight on that leg of yours anyway. I’ll finish the tea and we can continue the lesson, if you like.”

“… Yeah.” Levi answers, and doesn’t say another word more.

Chapter Text

“Okay, now, keep the back of your head straight, chin up! That’s it! We want to get an accurate measurement!”

Levi sighs, wondering not for the first time why the hell he’d agreed to this.

Hange’s got him standin’ against the backside wall of their barracks, keeps fussin’ with him to get him to stand tall as he’ll go.

The more they fuss, the more bothered Levi feels, his face stupidly hot at whatever number they’re gonna’ come up with.

He knows he’s short. Fuck, he’s been hearin’ about it all his damned life. And it wasn’t like you could ignore it, when you had to look up at practically every person you ever encountered.

But Hange had insisted it was important to know his exact height. For “science”, she’d said. She’d said she wanted to figure out how he worked, whatever the fuck that meant.

“Okay, perfect! Just hold yourself like that while I get the tape measure!”

Levi does his best to hold still, because he’s learned over these last, few months that trying to argue with Hange Zoe is about the same thing as trying to argue with gale force winds.

They’re back only a moment later, and Levi grits his teeth against the urge to flinch away as Hange places the end of the tap against the crown of his head, unraveling it and pulling it taught to his feet, planted in the dirt.

Levi’s eyes roll up, squinting against the harsh glare of the blue sky. He still isn’t used to it. How bright it is, up here. His eyes sting and burn against it.

Hange lets out a low whistle.

“Whew, Levi! You’re so tiny!”

“Fuck, Four-Eyes! Just spit it out!”

“Weeeeelll… if I was being generous, I’d round you off at 5 feet, 3 inches. But that’s being generous, Levi. You’re actually more like 5 feet, 2 and a half inches. You’re so cute!”

Levi huffs, pushin’ off the wall. He crosses his arms as he turns away, frustrated.

“Don’t fuckin’ call me cute.” He mutters.

“Aww, don’t be like that Levi! It’s a compliment! I just wanna’ squeeze your little cheeks!”

“Come near me and I’ll rip your shitty hands off.” Levi warns, thinkin’ he’s maybe only half jokin’.

Hange only laughs.

“Okay, now let’s weigh ya! Come on, over here!”

Levi don’t even have time to get his mouth open in protest before Hange’s got ‘a hold of his arm, draggin’ him towards the scale they use to weigh the horses.

He frowns as Hange spins around behind him, givin’ his back a light shove.

“Alright, up ya go!”

“What the fuck is the point of this?” Levi mumbles angrily, steppin’ up onto the scale.

“Just bear with me.” Hange answers, already half-distracted as she balances it out.

Levi’s eyes try to follow what she’s doin’, but he can’t make no sense of the figures, and after a moment, he gives up, lettin’ his gaze drift to his bare feet. His toes are caked in dirt, and his mouth twists in disgust, that awful feelin’ washin’ over his skin again, like he’s got bugs crawlin’ all over. Fuck, he needs to take a shower.

“What!? Really!?” Hange’s voice is a high pitched squeal in his ear, and Levi flinches hard away from it, nearly steppin’ off the scale in the process.

“For fuck’s sake, shit for brains!” He spits. “Can’t you keep your damned voice down!?”

“Levi! What are you, made of rocks!?”

“The hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You weigh 143 pounds!”

Levi doesn’t understand what she’s so excited about.

“… Is that a lot or somethin’?”

“For someone your size it is! Good grief! You’ve gotta’ be solid muscle to weigh that much! Holy moly!”

Levi only looks at them, his confusion no less, and then Hange’s got a hold of him by the wrist and is draggin’ him off the scale.

“Alright! Shirt off! We’ve got to take more measurements!”

//

Levi can feel himself stiffin’ up as Hange explains to him what it is they want him to do now.

There’s people startin’ to gather round again, watchin’ like he’s some sorta’ freak show attraction.

“Alright Levi, I’ve had some of my boys set up different objects all in a row here. See? Each with increasingly higher weights. What I want you to do is try and lift each one, so we can get an idea of how strong you are!”

Levi’s attention is pulled from the gathering crowd as Hange takes his arm, tuggin’ him toward the first object in the row.

It’s one of the dumbbell’s from the barracks gymnasium facility.

Levi sighs as Hange keeps babblin’ at him.

“Whenever you’re ready Levi!”

Levi picks the dumbbell up. It’s easy.

“Above your head, if you can.” Hanges instructs.

Levi lifts it above his head, and a murmur goes up through the crowd.

“Wow, Levi! That doesn’t even look like it was difficult for you!”

Levi eyes Hange critically.

“Was it supposed to be?”

“It’s 150 pounds!”

Levi blinks.

“So?”

“It weighs more than you do!”

“… Oh.”

“Okay, okay, next object!”

This one looked like just a normal crate, but Hange tells him it’s filled with cans of soup and beans, and that it weighs 170 pounds.

Levi lifts it easy as he did the dumbbell, and again there’s ohhing and ahhing from the crowd and Hange’s enthused exclamations.

Levi hates it.

He hates bein’ a spectacle.

Hates people lookin’ at him like he’s some kinda’ freak.

People used to look at him like that, in the Underground.

Used to mutter it behind his back, fear and disgust thick in their voices…

Levi can hear Furlan makin’ bets as some big, hairy-lookin’ bastard comes up to the table, ready to take Levi’s arm off.

“I’ll bet ya 20 the little guy takes it.”

“Pfft, you’re on!”

“That midget’s gonna’ get his arm ripped off. Big Billy’s a killer, I’m tellin’ ya.”

If Furlan says anythin’ in reply, Levi don’t hear it.

“Big Billy” takes a seat across from him.

This was one of the easier ways him, Furlan and Isabel had of makin’ some cash.

Find some shitty bar where no one had ever heard ‘a Levi, take advantage of the kindsa’ assumptions people made when they saw Levi, take their money.

It was gettin’ harder though. The three of ‘em had to keep goin’ farther and farther from the area they operated outta’ to find anywhere where Levi’s reputation didn’t proceed him.

Once people knew how strong he was, nobody was willin’ to bet against him.

Levi knows better than to look Furlan’s way. Anybody caught that, and they’d know soon enough they was operatin’ as a team.

Isabel was outside, waitin’ for ‘em to finish.

Anyhow, Levi knew the drill.

Furlan told him to make it look like a challenge. To let the other guy have some success, so as to ward off suspicion and encourage other challengers.

Levi can do that. He does it all the time.

So him and “Big Bill” clasp hands, elbows against the sticky surface of the table they’re at. It’s disgusting, Levi thinks. He’ll have to wash himself when they get back home.

There’s a crowd pressin’ close, watchin’, one ‘a the barmaid’s servin’ as ref.

“Okay, on three boys. One, two… three!”

“Big Billy” gives it all he has immediately, already cheatin’ as he lifts himself up outta’ his chair, tryin’ to bear all his weight down on Levi’s arm.

Levi has to keep himself from rollin’ his eyes. He could put the idiot down in one motion, and is tempted to, for the blatant fudgin’ of the rules the guys doin’. He’s pathetically weak for someone his size.

Levi controls himself, lets the guy get his arm about halfway down to the surface of the table, before he pushes back, slow and steady, forcin’ the man’s arm in the opposite direction.

“Big Billy’s” face is turnin’ red from all the effort he’s givin’, and Levi keeps his eyes on him, cool and bored.

“Come on Billy! Come on! You ain’t gonna’ let yourself lose to no dwarf, is ya!? Come on!”

“The fuck Billy! Let’s go! He’s a fuckin’ midget! The hell you playin’ around for!?”

Levi lets it go back and forth for a few minutes, before he loses patience and finally forces “Big Billy’s” arm flat against the table.

There’s an explosion of groans and shouts of disbelief from the crowd, a general din of shock, plenty ‘a cussin’.

“Big Billy” looks pipin’ mad as he gets up from the table, slinkin’ off somewhere, probably to get drunk, Levi thinks.

He goes through the same shit with five other guys, Furlan goin’ round, takin’ bets off all the chumps, ‘till finally no one else is fool enough to bet against Levi, and no one else is fool enough to try their hand.

All in all, it’s not a bad night, Levi figures. Furlan makes sure to leave before him, so no one makes no kinda’ connection.

When he gets out on the street, “Big Billy’s” there.

He’s got his forearm wrapped round Isabel’s throat, a knife in his other hand, brandished and threatening.

Furlan’s standin’ feet away, hands up in the air, pleading for him to let her go.

They money they’d made lies dropped and forgotten in the street.

“I’ve seen you three around! You’re all runnin’ some kinda’ racket! That freak midget you got workin’ for ya’s not natural! He ain’t natural, you bastards! Well, ain’t nobody play Big Billy like that! Ya hear!? I’ll gut this fuckin’ bitch here and now!”

“Please, Sir, just… just t-take the money, alright? Take the money and let her go. Please. It’s fine. It’s alright…”

“Shut up, you fuckin’ faggot! I’m the one callin’ the shots here! Ya got that?!”

“Yes… yes Sir…”

“Big Billy’s” eyes cut away from Furlan, find Levi, standin’ near the bar’s entrance still. His eyes light up with somethin’ perverted. A look Levi’s seen plenty in his life. He watches “Big Billy’s” mouth twist all up in a grin, rotten teeth putrid and yellow and spit flyin’.

“Oh, good, the freakshows here. I been waitin’ for ya, you ugly ass dwarf! I’m gonna’ cut this bitch all up, and then you’ll see what ya get for tryin’ to run schemes on Big Billy. You’ll see…”

Levi don’t really hear all of what else the fucker says.

He just moves.

He sees “Big Billy’s” eyes wide and shiny and afraid, tryin’ to stumble back.

But Levi’s too fast. He’s much too fast. Always been fast.

“Big Billy” ain’t got enough time to bring his blade anywhere near Isabel's skin before Levi’s got his own buried in his jugular.

The bastards grip of Isabel lets go. She falls to the ground, scramblin’ away, and Levi tears his knife free, sinkin’ it again into the vein for good measure.

“Big Billy’s” blood squirts out in buckets, and he collapses to the ground, dyin’.

Some of his blood coats Levi’s hands, and Levi stares at them, sick in his chest at the sight.

Filthy. Fuckin’ filthy, this whole place.

“Fuck, Levi! You killed him!”

Furlan’s voice is frantic behind him.

Levi reaches into his back pocket, pulls out a kerchief, wipes the blood from the blade of his knife, tries wipin’ it from his hands. It’s already dryin’. Already stuck to his skin.

Filthy.

“Levi!”

“He was gonna’ kill Izzy.”

“You don’t know that…” Furlan starts to argue, and Levi turns back towards him.

“Yes, I do. I do, Fur. He was gonna’ kill her.”

“Big bro’s right.” Isabel’s voice cuts through. It’s shakin’, with rage or fear, Levi can’t tell. Probably both. “The big, hairy bastard was gonna’ do me. Big bro saved my life Fur!”

For a moment, Furlan’s expression looks anguished, face crumplin’ and eyes too bright, and it’s ‘cause he knows it’s true, Levi thinks. Growin’ up down here, like all three of ‘em did, and Furlan knows. No way he couldn’t. Wasn’t no place for that kinda’ morality, down here, in the Underground. Wasn’t no place for mercy. Down here, you try talkin’, try pleadin’, try believin’ in the other person’s good graces, that’s what got you and yours killed. Down here. That’s all. Furlan knows. Couldn’t be soft, in this world. Furlan still didn’t get it, sometimes, but he knew. Couldn’t afford to be soft.

“Fuck…” he breathes, his hands curlin’ tight in his hair. “We gotta’ get outta’ here, before someone sees.”

Levi slips his knife into his belt.

“Izzy, you alright? He do anythin’ to you?”

Isabel shakes her head.

“Just a few bruises, I guess. Nothin’ I can’t handle.”

Levi nods, eyes cuttin’ back to Furlan.

“Get the money Fur. We’ll split then. Nobody saw nothin’, don’t worry.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Nobody around. I got good senses. You know it. Get the money and we’ll split.”

Furlan takes a deep breath, before noddin’, gatherin’ up the dropped bills and coins from earlier.

His hands are shakin’, and Levi wishes he could do somethin’ to make him feel better.

Furlan didn’t like killin’. Didn’t like it at all. Soft hearted idiot that he was, and he got all messed up whenever Levi did it in front of him. So Levi tried his best not to. Couldn’t be helped, this time, but he always tried his best.

But Levi got it. He did. Got why it upset him so much.

He didn’t like it, neither. Made him sick, lookin' down at "Big Billy's" now dead body, blood thick and black, poolin' under him and over the dust covered ground. Made him feel hollowed out and tired.

Dumb bastard, lettin' himself get worked up like that over nothin'. Over, what? Fuckin' pride? Gettin' himself killed over somethin' so worthless. Wasn't like the three of em' stole nothin' from the big asshole. Son of a bitch lost to Levi, fairs and squares. That was all. If he was gonna' go after one of 'em, it shoulda' been Levi. That woulda' been the proper way, at least. But the bastard put his hands on Isabel. Bastard put a knife to her throat. And that was that. Levi wasn't plannin' on killin' nobody tonight. But he put his hands on Izzy. That was part ‘a life, down here. ‘Less you was willin’ to let you and yours die, it was part ‘a life. Wasn’t no way around that.

“Hey,” Levi tells him when he stands up straight again. “it’ll be alright. Yeah? Don’t worry Fur. It’ll be alright.”

And Furlan smiles at him, shaky but real.

“Yeah, Lee. I believe ya.”

“I can’t believe what I’m seein’.” Someone from the crowd mutters. “How the hell’s it even possible?”

Levi’s got a barrel above his head.

Hange says it’s full of sandbags, and weighs 350 pounds. Levi don’t know why that’s impressive, and he don’t care.

“Okay! You can put it down now!”

Levi dumps it on the ground and steps back.

It’s the last object in the row, and Levi hopes Hange’s done with him, ‘cause he’s done with this.

The crowd of people’s talkin’ and whisperin’, all about him. Levi hears ‘em sayin’ it. Freak, unnatural, abomination.

He can’t stand it.

“Alright, now, I’ve got just a few more tests I wanna’ run…”

“No.” Levi cuts them off, and Hange blinks, starin’ back at him.

“Huh?”

“No. Fuck off, shitty glasses. I’m done.”

“Oh, but, I just wanted to test…”

“I ain’t some fuckin’ clown!” Levi snaps, voice rasin’ loud, and Hange flinches back. Levi’s too pissed to care much. “I’m done. Ya hear? All you bastards can fuck off now!”

That only seems to get all of ‘em talkin’ more, mutterin’ and murmurin’ to themselves, and Levi turns away, stalkin’ off.

Hange comes runnin’ after him.

“Hey, Levi! I’m sorry! Hey, wait up! I’m sorry about all that! I didn’t mean for a crowd to show up!”

Levi don’t say nothin’, only speedin’ up his stride, disgust and somethin’ too much like shame tight in his chest.

“Levi, please stop.”

Hange’s voice is unusually serious, and it stutters Levi’s stride enough for them to catch up finally.

Their hand reaches out, and Levi’s mouth comes open to snarl at them, tell ‘em to keep their filthy fuckin’ hands to themselves, but Hange stops, lettin’ their arm fall back to their side.

“I really am sorry Levi, and… and just… thank you, for letting me do all that stuff earlier. I don’t think I ever said that, but, really… thank you.”

Levi finally stops walkin’, turnin’ and lookin’ up at them. Their eyes are honest through their glasses. They mean it, Levi thinks.

He looks away, shruggin’ and shakin’ his head.

“… Yeah.” He mumbles. “Sure.”

“You know, I just get carried away sometimes and forget myself. I don’t always think about how what I’m doing is affecting others. So I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to keep sayin’ that.” Levi tells them. “Just forget it.”

“Okay. Well, as long as you’re alright.”

“I’m fine. You don’t gotta’ treat me like that.”

“Like what?” Hange blinks dumbly down at him.

“Like I’m gonna’ break just ‘cause you said the wrong thing or whatever the fuck. You don’t gotta’ keep bein’ so jumpy every time I get mad. I get mad, alright!? I just ain’t… good at this shit.”

Hange’s expression shifts into somethin’ softer, then, almost fond, and Levi looks away.

“Okay Levi. Thanks.”

Levi growls under his breath.

“And stop tellin’ me thanks. I get it already.”

He crosses his arms tight over his chest, diggin’ the toe of his boot into the dirt.

Hange stays standin’ there, not sayin’ nothin’ else, and Levi huffs.

“… If you want me to help you with the rest of your stupid tests, I guess I can.” He finally mutters.

Hange’s squeal of glee nearly shatters his eardrums, and Levi’s sure he’s made a mistake as they grab him again by the wrist and drag him off to god knows where.

Chapter Text

“I’m telling you Erwin, he’s superhuman or something! I mean, look at this, he ran the 40 yard dash in 3.7 seconds! That’s insane! He’s completely unique!”

Erwin smiles as Hange continues her enthused exclamations, nodding dutifully.

He’d known Hange was going to be asking Levi if they could run some tests on him, and he’d known if the young man agreed, the results would no doubt be extraordinary. One only had to watch Levi out there in the field to know he was special.

What Erwin hadn’t been so sure of was if Levi would actually agree to being poked and prodded. But then… it doesn’t entirely surprise him that he had, either.

“Hange…” Erwin stops them mid-sentence, holding a hand up to get their attention, and Hange obliges, looking back at him bright eyed. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course Erwin!”

He smiles tightly.

“What… do you think of him?” He asks.

Hange blinks.

“… You mean Levi?” They ask, and Erwin nods.

“Well, that’s what I’ve been doing, isn’t it? I mean, he’s amazing! I’ve never seen anyone like him before…”

Erwin shakes his head.

“No, I mean… what do you think of him as a person? How does he seem to you?”

“… Oh.” Hange blinks again, leaning back in their seat. Their features grow thoughtful, rubbing at their chin. “Well… I mean… I guess you could say he’s got a unique personality too,” they laugh, almost nervous sounding, and Erwin waits.

“… He’s having trouble getting along with the other Scouts.” Hange shrugs, and their earlier enthusiasm seems to have deflated some. “I think he’s maybe a little lonely.”

Erwin nods, an odd, sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach.

“I’m the only one who’ll eat with him during meal times. Well, me and Mike. Everyone else either seems to be too afraid, or too biased. A lot of people talk about him like he’s a criminal, or like he doesn’t deserve to be here. Jeez, you’d think they’d get over it already! His track record out in the field should be enough to convince anyone he belongs!”

Again, Erwin nods.

“Yes, you’re right about that.”

Hange continues to look contemplative.

“… He isn’t very good at talking to people, I guess. I mean, he has trouble expressing himself in words. I suppose he comes off as rude to some people, but I don’t think he means it. It’s just the way he was raised, I think. I… I think he must’ve had a pretty hard life.”

“Yes.” Erwin agrees. “He has… Hange, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate it, that you’re making an effort with him then. He needs someone to be a friend.”

Hange shrugs again.

“It’s not an effort. I like talking to him. He’s blunt, but… you can tell he cares about people. He’s a good egg.”

Erwin smiles again, this time genuine.

He hesitates, lacing his fingers together, clasping his hands over the surface of his desk.

“… I feel guilty for what happened, with his two friends.” He admits quietly after a moment. “He seemed to care about them very much.”

The air in the room seems to grow thinner as Hange grows quiet, their eyes fixed, distant, on the tables surface.

“… You shouldn’t feel guilty Erwin.” They say after a moment. “We’ve all lost people we care about.”

“… Yes, but all of us here are volunteers. All of us here knew, at least to some extent, what we were getting in to when we joined the Scouts. Levi and his friends didn’t. I forced them to join. You know that. You know what I did. And then his two friends were killed on their first expedition. Hange I…” he hesitates, unsure if he should share this. But the guilt has been weighing heavy on him, the need to unburden himself almost overwhelming. “I caught him in the stables the night after we returned. He was… he was crying. He was sobbing to himself.”

The image remains fixed in Erwin’s mind, even all these months later. Vivid and awful. He knows he hadn’t been meant to see such a private moment. In a way, it only worsened Erwin’s sense of guilt. Another violation, he thinks, upon a man whom he’d already taken so much from.

Hange’s expression openly contorts, clear shock, followed by obvious pain.

“… He was?” They ask, and there’s a slight tremor in their voice.

Erwin nods.

“He didn’t realize I was there. He didn’t notice me. He was… he was standing there, pressing his face to his horse’s snout. I didn’t say anything. I acted like a damned coward.”

Hange shakes their head.

“… I doubt he would’ve appreciated you seeing him like that Erwin. He… I mean… he seems like a pretty private person.”

“I know.” Erwin says. “But he was just so… alone. And I left him there like that. And he’s still alone. Nobody talks to him. You said it yourself. They treat him like he’s a disease, half the time. So I… I need you to keep trying with him Hange. Please.”

He knows he doesn’t need to explain his own position. The difficulty of a direct, superior officer co-mingling with his subordinates. Knows he doesn’t need to explain his greater difficulty of simple socialization. Erwin has never been very good at just hanging out, being, as Mike would say, ‘one of the guys’.

He does his reading and writing lessons with Levi, and he frequently has the younger man over for strategizing and battle plans, often sharing a cup of tea, which Levi loves to talk with him about, and that, for now, is enough on his part, he thinks. But Hange is someone who can give Levi as sense of camaraderie, he hopes. A sense of grounded companionship.

Erwin is aware of his own tendency to be distant, even seemingly cold, at times.

Levi deserves better than that. With all he gives each time they’re out there in the field, he deserves better.

“I”ll stick with him. I promise.” Hange tells him now, and Erwin can feel his shoulders sag in relief.

Hange reaches across the table, resting their hand atop his.

“He’ll be alright, Erwin.”

Erwin smiles tightly back at them, and tries almost desperately to believe it.

//

“Have you ever played chess, Levi?” Erwin asks.

They’ve been sitting here in his office for the past half hour, Levi making his slow progress in his writing lessons. He can write his name now with some efficiency, and is working on simple sentence structure and words. Erwin feels certain at this point that Levi is suffering from some form of learning disability, though he isn’t expert enough himself to diagnose what it might be.

He doubts Levi would be willing to speak with any sort of specialist about it. So, Erwin thinks, he’ll just have to keep trying his best to help the younger man in whatever ways he can.

Levi’s pencil stutters to a halt on the page, his messy, disjointed scrawl slanting at a downward angle. He looks up at Erwin, brow furrowed in plain confusion.

“… Chest?” He asks, and Erwin smiles, shaking his head.

“Chess.” He enunciates. “With an S at the end.”

Levi just stares back at him, and it’s obvious he has no idea what Erwin is talking about.

“It’s a game of strategy. Two opposing players each start with a certain number of pieces, each piece able to advance on the board in specific ways. The goal is to capture your opponents king.”

Levi’s mouth twists up to the side.

“… I’m pretty good at checkers.” He answers, and Erwin smiles.

“Ah.”

“I used to gamble with dice and stuff too.” He goes on, sounding almost nostalgic. “Got pretty good at that. Hey, Erwin, you ever skip rope?”

“Skip rope? You mean jump rope?”

“Yeah.” Levi nods. “I was real good at that, in the Underground. There’d be these contests. Me and Furlan and Izzy used to clean up pretty good. I was good at it.”

Erwin nods, still smiling.

“You seem like you would be. You’re very physically gifted, Levi.”

Levi looks away then, shrugging, seeming almost embarrassed.

“… I don’t know ‘bout… chess?” He looks up again, and then quickly away once more.

“That’s right. I can teach you, if you like. Or if you want to play checkers, I know that one as well.”

Levi fiddles with his pencil for a moment, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

It’s a nervous tick of his, Erwin’s come to realize. One he doesn’t think the younger man is aware of.

“… You could teach me, I guess.” He answers after a while. “But hey, you didn’t answer ‘bout skippin’ rope. You ever done it?”

“A little. When I was a child.” Erwin tells him. “I wasn’t ever very good at it, though.”

Levi’s eyes seem to light up a little then.

“I could show you some tricks. I mean, we’d need to find a good rope. But I could show you some, if… if you wanted.”

There’s that childlike aspect in him again, Erwin thinks. A kind of heartbreaking wonderment. Levi is excited, he realizes, to be able to show him something, to teach him something, the way Erwin’s been teaching him.

And so Erwin smiles at him, nodding.

“We could go into town. There’s a toy shop I know of which sells jumping ropes.”

“Eh… we don’t need to be wastin’ money like that. Just a decent piece ‘a rope’ll do. I can fix some wood grips on the ends, make it better than some piece of overpriced junk.”

“If you like.” Erwin agrees.

It’s another reminder of where Levi’s come from, the circumstances of his life before. His frugalness. Erwin knows Levi was poor. But he only knows it in the way people who have never been truly poor can, abstractly and at a distance. He doesn’t fully understand what it means. In the months Erwin’s known him, he’s yet to see Levi splurge on anything, save some mid-range priced teas, and even that was done with a kind of paranoid reluctance. Erwin’s tried to encourage him to try some of the higher end ones, too, but Levi still hasn’t been willing. He saves what wages he’s paid almost obsessively, squirreling the cash away in a used up tin can which he keeps hidden under the floorboards beneath his bunk.

Erwin only knows about it because one of Levi’s bunk mates had caught him in the act of secreting it away, one night, and told him about it, reporting on recruit activity as he’d been instructed. He was a trustworthy young soldier, and so Erwin wasn’t worried about him spreading the information. But he worries that one of the other, less kind boys will discover it too, and steal it. It would be terrible, were that to happen, Erwin thinks.

He’s been mulling over talking to Levi about opening up a savings account at one of the local banks, though he suspects that will be a hard sell. Levi’s trust of authority was dubious at best. Doubtless, Erwin thinks, from years of harassment by the MP’s, and the elites in general.

“I’ll get a rope.” Levi announces. “I can show you some stuff out in the training yard, after morning exorcises, if ya got time?”

“I would like that.” Erwin tells him. “Tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” Levi says.

“It’s decided, then. Now, back to your writing. And maybe when you finish, I can show you the basics of chess.”

Half an hour passes, Levi struggling through his lesson. It is difficult for him, Erwin knows. He’s ashamed of his illiteracy, despite Erwin telling him again and again that he shouldn’t be. It’s made worse by the slow, at times seemingly non-existent progress he’s making. But he is making progress, even as Levi continues to insist he’ll “never be no good at it.”.

Afterward, though, Erwin is hardly surprised when Levi picks up remarkably quickly on the game of chess, understanding it’s rules clearly on the first explanation, and beginning already to see the board and Erwin’s moves in their first game. He has a sharp mind, despite his own low opinion of his intellect, particularly in matters of combat strategy, and though he isn’t able to beat Erwin, he makes a good account of himself. Erwin can tell that Levi is thinking, watching and learning as they go, and knows that, in the not distant future, the younger man will certainly give him a run for his money.

They play three games. Levi gets frustrated on their first play through, when Erwin tries to explain to him the concept of forfeit.

“But you ain’t got my king yet.” He argues.

“Yes, but in essence I do. You see, no matter where you move your king, you’ll be placed in check.”

Erwin demonstrates for him, showing how every escape route has been nullified, and Levi watches with a furrowed brow, mouth pulled in an agitated frown.

“You see?” Erwin prompts again.

“… I ain’t like quittin’.” Levi mutters, falling back against his seat, folding his arms over his chest.

Erwin smiles.

“I don’t like quitting, is what you mean to say.” He corrects gently. Levi’s eyes cut up to him, and Erwin can see his arms pull a little tighter against himself. Erwin tries not to correct Levi’s speech too often. He knows the younger man is embarrassed by it. But rather glaring mistakes like that should be corrected, he thinks, if only to save Levi future humiliation before the less forgiving, more stuck-up members of the nobility he’ll doubtless one day find himself subjected to. “And no, I don’t suppose you’re the quitting type. But sometimes, it can be a strength, knowing when to concede. Yes? Come, let’s play another round. You’re already improving, I can tell.”

And so they do, and Levi lasts longer with each subsequent game.

“… Hey, ya wanna’ play checkers now?” Levi asks suddenly, as Erwin is putting the chess pieces away.

“Ah, I wish I could, but I have rather a lot of paperwork left to do, so I’m afraid it will have to wait.” Erwin answers casually, folding up the board.

Levi doesn’t say anything, and when Erwin looks up at him, he feels his heart lurch painfully in his chest at the open, almost pained disappointment he sees etched on Levi’s face.

Levi seems unaware of it until he looks back at Erwin, and it makes it only somehow sadder, as Erwin watches him struggle to replace his mask of indifference.

The younger man shrugs, getting to his feet. He shoves his hands inside his coat pockets, his eyes fixing on the ground.

“… Yeah. Alright.” He mumbles, almost indiscernible. And then he starts to turn, heading for the door.

“Levi.” Erwin calls out, feeling a sudden, near panic. He feels certain he’s hurt Levi’s feelings.

Levi stops, but he doesn’t turn back around.

“We’ll play checkers soon.” He promises. “I truly do want to.”

“… Yeah.” Levi mutters again after a long moment.

Erwin feels there’s something more he should say, but no words come to mind, and so he says nothing.

A moment more, then, and Levi is gone.

Chapter Text

Levi makes it all the way to the stables before his eyes start to burn like fire.

Stumbling past the threshold, he reaches up, rubbing the heels of his palms angrily against his cheeks.

They come away wet, and he stares at them for long seconds, blinking rapidly.

He’s crying, and he doesn’t even know why.

Stupid, he thinks. He’s being so stupid.

What the hell had he been thinking, talking to the Captain like that, askin’ him... askin’ him if he wanted to skip rope, if he wanted to play checkers, to... to...

Erwin Smith was a man that knew things. He had... had...

Ah, there was a word for it, Levi thinks.

Culture, his brain supplies for him after a moment. Erwin had culture.

And so what’d Levi think they were gonna’ be? Pals? Just ‘cause... just ‘cause Erwin felt sorry for him and decided to teach him how to read and all?

Stupid.

He didn’t have time to play no stupid games. Children’s games... well, Kenny’d used to call ‘em. Used to tell Levi what a stupid little kid he was.

“What... you got a brain to match that size ‘a yours?” Kenny sneers down at him. “God damn boy, but you’re dumber ‘an a rock. You wanna’ play dolls next or somethin’? Listen to me, midget, you don’t ask me to play with you. I ain’t your daddy. Got it? That whore ma ‘a yours made you soft or somethin’? Try askin’ me some dumb shit like that again, I’ll beat that head ‘a yours so hard, you’ll forget your own goddamn name.”

Levi moves deeper into the stable, near where the horses are.

Nobody was ever in here. Just the horses. He liked ‘em. Liked animals. They didn’t care how small he was, or how dumb, or lacking in schoolin’. They didn’t care where he came from.

He kicks through some hay on the ground, finds his little mare, reaches up over the stall door. She nickers at him, nuzzles her soft, scratchy lips against his palm.

Levi chokes out a strangled laugh that sounds pathetically like a sob.

“Sorry girl, I ain’t got no apples today.” He tells her.

She doesn’t seem to mind none, though, keeps nuzzling at his hand, and Levi picks himself up onto his toes, leans his forehead against her snout.

He thinks of Furlan and Izzy again.

He shouldn’t, he knows. It just made him all fucked up, when he thought of ‘em. Made his chest feel like it was collapsing in on itself. Like he was gonna’ choke to death on whatever it was, crushing down on him.

… He misses ‘em so much though. He lays in his bunk at night, starin’ up at the wood beams of the ceiling, and thinks of ‘em, and presses his knuckles between his teeth, bites hard to keep from makin’ any sound.

He got ‘em killed. Even if Erwin is kind, and tries to tell him otherwise, Levi knows. His own stupid pride is what got ‘em killed. Too much belief in himself. Too much belief in them.

He just wanted...

Just wanted ‘em to have a chance, up here. Above.

Izzy’d been so hopeful, and Furlan too, and Levi’d thought... even if he got himself caught and hung for killin’ Smith, at least they’d have a chance at a better life, up here. Least they’d have a shot at their dreams...

But all they got was dead, and it’s Levi’s fault, and he misses ‘em so much.

He drops back down to his heels, pulling his hand away from his mare’s lips, stumbling back ‘till his back hits the wall behind him.

He feels his legs fold underneath him, slumping down ‘till he’s sitting in the hay.

What use was he, really?

Underground, at least, he had some sorta’ purpose. There were people down there who needed him. Who he could help.

Up here...

Up here, all he’s good for is killin’ Titans.

Nobody up here needed him. Not inside the Walls.

Just out there, killin’ Titans. And for what?

Erwin said ‘cause there had to be something beyond what they could see. There had to be something more. But all Levi could see was endless fields, and them not getting' nowhere, and just a bunch of dumb kids dyin’ for it all.

He couldn’t save all of ‘em.

Not even close.

It left him feeling sick inside.

He dreamed about it, whenever he was able to fall asleep. Wasn’t often. But when he did, he saw all the faces of all those kids. The fear in their eyes. Saw them reaching out toward him with bloody, torn up fingers, expressions twisted in rage and horror.

If it were up to him, he thinks, he wouldn’t let nobody out there, beyond the walls.

But up here, ain’t nothin’ up to him, he ain’t in charge of nothin’, and he’s no good to no one. Inside the walls, don’t nobody need him.

He thinks of the sudden disinterest in Erwin’s voice, when he asked if they could play checkers, the way his attention had already shifted to the paperwork on his desk, and something shameful uncurls in his gut, his shoulders hunching in, face hot.

He was so stupid.

Erwin must’ve thought so.

Must’ve just been sweeting him up, teachin’ him all that chess game, and... and tryin’ to teach him to read. Levi can’t even blame him. You wanted your tools to work right, you had to take care of ‘em. Kenny’d taught him that.

First time he’d let one of his knives get rusty, and Levi remembers, Kenny’d beat him so bad, he’d been laid up almost four days before he could even think of movin’ again. His head’d been dizzy too for something like two weeks. Kept losing his balance and falling all over the place.

You couldn’t mistreat your tools.

Levi guesses that’s what he is to Erwin.

It was his own damn fault for thinkin’ he might be something more to the Captain.

He scrubs at his eyes again, sniffling, and feels like a damned fool.

Sometimes he thinks about going back to the Underground.

He’d be a criminal again, but wasn’t like that was new. He’d been a criminal most of all his life. Something no one up here seemed very willing to let him forget, either.

Maybe that was where he belonged.

Maybe it was him being fool enough to come up to the surface in the first place that he was paying for now. Maybe whatever power that was out there, governing the universe, saw fit to punish him for thinking he could ever belong in a place like this.

He just wishes, if that were so, that power’d seen fit to take him, ‘stead of Furlan and Izzy. They hadn’t deserved what happened to ‘em, even if he did.

//

“Hey, Levi…”

The voice behind him stops him in his tracks. There’s snickering. Dumb snorting, and his fingers curl tighter over the edges of his lunch tray.

He doesn’t say nothin’, though. Hopes they’ll just leave him alone today.

He’s never been too lucky, though.

“Hey, shorty, I’m talkin’ to ya.” The voice starts again, and someone flicks him hard against the back of his skull.

Levi stiffens, his teeth coming hard together, but he doesn’t react otherwise.

He knows, if he gets in another fight, he’ll end up in the holding cells downstairs, and he don’t want that.

“What, the stale air in the Underground make ya deaf too?”

More snickering. The din of voices around them have gone quiet. Levi can feel eyes on him.

“Aww, Petr, you shouldn’t make fun! Ya know, I hear the freaks down there got all kinds of health problems.”

“Yeah, I hear swimmin’ in your own shit’ll give you all sorts of issues. Brittle bones and all. Maybe that’s why little Levi here’s so small.”

“Well I heard his mom was a whore. You know how those broads get beat up. Bet one of her clients kicked her in the stomach while she was pregnant with his ass, and he came out deformed. What’cha think the odds are it was his daddy?”

For a moment, Levi’s vision goes black.

For a moment, everything around him goes dead with silence, and he thinks… he thinks…

He sees Mama, and he thinks…

“… et she liked it. Hey, Levi, your mom like it when they gave it to her? I’ll bet she couldn’t keep from moaning and carrying on when they shoved it in her, huh? Bet she…”

He doesn’t really remember what happens then.

He turns, and the tray in his hands connects with the face of the kid behind him so hard, his teeth come flyin’ out, and he goes down like a sack of cement.

There’s two more. They lunge for him and Levi catches one on the jaw with the heel of his foot, smashes the other in the throat with a ridge hand. Both of ‘em go down hard, gagging and groaning and they ain’t getting back up.

And then he’s on top the first kid, and he’s hitting him, over and over. He tries shoving Levi off at first, but his grabbing hands fall limp at his sides after the second blow. The kid’s face is breaking apart under his knuckles, blood splattering up into the air, warm against his cheeks, the crunch of bone filling his ears. The kid’s eyes are rolled up into his skull, his jaw hung open awkward, nose all smashed, and he’s out cold, Levi knows, but he just keeps hitting him anyway.

There’s people standing up around him, forming a circle around him, shouting and screaming and crying, and he just keeps hitting and hitting, and he hears Kenny’s voice in his head tellin’ him… tellin’ him it’s no good, letting your enemies live, ‘cause then they’ll just come back to make you sorry you did, and… and he called his Mama a whore, said she… said she wanted it… and…

She didn’t want it. She didn’t. She cried and cried. He heard her cryin’ from where he was hid in the closet, and the sound of her harsh gasps and the sound of flesh on flesh, hitting, thudding. And then he remembers it going quiet, ‘cept her muffled sobbing, and he’d come crawling outta’ the closet, ‘cause he knew that meant the men had gone, and he’d go to her, and he remembers her bleedin’ from between her legs, tryin’ to hide it from him. Remembers all the awful bruises down her thighs, her face swollen with black eyes and busted lips and bloody nose, and her pullin’ her gown down, and tryin’… tryin’ to tell him it was alright. Reaching for him when he started cryin’ too and telling him…

“Oh, Levi, my darling, no… no, don’t cry. Don’t cry. Your mama’s alright. I’m alright. Oh, Levi, please…”

She didn’t want it. She didn’t want it. And the kid’s face is comin’ apart under his knuckles, and there’s a sound screaming in his ears. Someone screaming. He thinks it’s him.

And then there’s hands pullin’ at his arms. Arms wrapped under his shoulders, and he’s being pulled away. Pulled off.

“Levi! Levi, stop! Stop! You’ll kill him!”

It’s Hange’s voice, he thinks. Hange, and they sound scared. Really scared. Maybe the first time he’s ever heard them sound like that. And the arms around him are strong. Stronger than Hange’s could be. And he’s bein’ held against someone’s broad chest. Arms around him, and Levi thrashes, and the screaming’s still filling his ears.

He sees Mama, and she didn’t like it, and she died, she died, she died.

She died, and all he could do was watch.

Chapter Text

“What happened?”

Erwin watches as Hange looks not so discreetly up at Mike, the two of them sharing a dubious look before turning back to him.

“We… don’t really know.” Hange admits after a moment. “We didn’t see what lead up to the fight.”

“It was already underway when me and Hange entered the canteen.” Mike offers now. “There was a crowd surrounding them. We didn’t even know it was Levi in the center of it ‘till we pushed our way through.”

Erwin sighs, leaning back in his seat, massaging the bridge of his nose.

“Has Levi said anything?”

Hange shakes their head.

“No. We tried to get him to tell us what happened, but he won’t.”

“And the three boys he fought with?”

“They claim Levi started it, but I don’t buy that line of bullshit for a minute.” Mike says. “I’ve seen these same punks start shit with Levi before. They must’ve said or done something to piss him off.”

Erwin sighs again, shaking his head.

Levi had seemingly been doing better, these last, few weeks, he thought. He hadn’t gotten into any fights recently. Hadn’t needed any real disciplinary action.

But now he was being held down in the holding cells downstairs, and three young recruits were in the infirmary, one with a broken orbital bone, jaw, and a crushed nose; some missing teeth to go with all that.

Each time this happened, Erwin was made to explain Levi’s behavior away to first Commander Shadis, and then the higher ups like Zackley and all those aristocratic buffoons that held lock and key over the military’s funding.

So many in the Capital still saw Levi as a dangerous criminal. A thug that should either be sent back to the Underground, or hung or shot for past crimes. No matter that he’d already reached three quarters of the record Mike still held for Titan kills. Mike had been in the Corps as long as Erwin had. They’d been on dozens of expeditions. Levi had been on a grand total of three. Another, and he’d likely overtake Mike’s mark. All that, of course, was secondary to the lives Levi had saved out there. Since he’d joined their ranks, after that initial, disastrous expedition, not a single soldier from whichever unit Levi was assigned to had died. Not only did his presence save lives, but it boosted the men’s and women’s moral exponentially. Everyone felt safer with Levi around. And that felt that way because they were safer.

That was the long and short of it.

He was a godsend.

So to hell with the higher ups, Erwin thinks bitterly. And to hell with whoever it was still harassing and bullying Levi. They would be gone from the Corps soon. Erwin would see to it.

“What about witnesses? Someone must have seen what started the scuffle.” Erwin presses.

“We’ve tried questioning about two dozen of the soldiers who were in the canteen and close enough to see or hear what happened, but so far, nobody wants to say anything. They’re… well…”

“They’re scared of Levi. They think he’s crazy.” Mike finishes.

Erwin scoffs, incredulous.

“He isn’t crazy.” He protests, unable to keep the anger out of his voice.

“No, he’s not.” Mike agrees. “But he is violent. Whatever that’s from, he has a hard time keeping a lid on his temper. And given how strong he is… it’s got some folks jumpy is all. Even if it’s not his fault.”

“Yeah, well, it’s hard when you’re picked on almost every day by a bunch of ingrate brats who’d be dead if it weren’t for you saving their ass out there.” Hange mutters half to themselves, arms crossing. “They won’t leave him alone Erwin! Levi’s a sweet guy, he really is! He lets me do whatever I want to him and hardly even complains!”

Erwin smiles tightly at that.

It was true. Since arriving, Levi and Hange had become friendlier than Erwin would have ever thought possible. Certainly, Hange had never had so willing a victim of her strange experiments and curious search for knowledge. Levi tolerated Hange with an almost bizarre level of patience.

And anyway, they were right. Levi might be prone to violent outbursts, as Mike said, but his background needed to be considered, and the constant harassment too. He couldn’t be expected to simply stand there and take such abuse. Erwin wouldn’t allow him to, besides.

“I’ll try talking to him.” Erwin says, standing from his desk. “How long has he been down there?”

“A couple hours.” Mike answers. “I don’t think he’s taking it too well. Me and Hange tried visiting him, but he wouldn’t even look at us. He’s got himself pressed into a corner, curled up tight. He looks like a cornered animal down there, Erwin.”

That gives Erwin pause.

Things had been going well with Levi earlier that day. They’d played a few rounds of chess, and Erwin had been impressed with the younger man’s ability to quickly adapt and learn such a complex game that he’d never before played. They’d had a good time, Erwin thought. And then Levi had asked if they might play a round of checkers afterward, but Erwin had already been behind on his paperwork. He’d had to tell him no.

He hasn’t been able to get the fleeing expression he’d glimpsed on Levi’s face from his mind since then, though.

He’d looked so… almost heartbroken, over it.

Erwin had tried to convince himself that he was exaggerating. Surely Levi couldn’t have been that disappointed.

But then…

Levi had few friends in this place. If he could even call Erwin a friend, then perhaps he might count himself among those few. And Hange. And Mike. But he wasn’t close to any of them. Certainly not in comparison to the two he’d come here with. Isabel and Furlan.

Whenever Erwin spotted Levi out and about, he was always by himself. Even during training sessions, when he wasn’t engaged with the other soldiers in some exercise, he was off in some corner, alone. Nobody ever tried going over to talk to him.

And Levi was so socially awkward when speaking to anyone else, on the rare occasions he found himself having to engage in conversation, Erwin had observed, more often than not it ended badly. His often crude sense of humor, for example, never went over well. Erwin understood it, but few others did. And just generally, Levi seemed ignorant to many of the kinds of social cues and pleasantries that dictated most interactions. He was blunt and honest, and at times painfully innocent of any social jockeying or ingratiating techniques. People thought he was rude, though Erwin doubted Levi ever intended to be so. He just didn’t know how to be anything but what he was. Usually, then, any conversation he had with anyone else ended with the other party’s lip curled in disapproval, or otherwise simply turning their backs and walking away, and Levi would be left standing there, a confused look on his face, seemingly unaware of how he had erred, before, almost sadly, he would shuffle away again to some corner, and simply stand there alone.

Erwin could only blame himself for the situation.

Once again, he was reminded of how he had forced Levi into a world completely different from the one in which he’d come from. Once again, he was reminded of how his actions had lead directly to Levi losing the two most important people in his life. And now here he was, friendless and alone and ill-equipped to navigate any of it.

It was his responsibility then to make this right. At least this latest situation. If he could.

He dismisses Mike and Hange then and spends a few minutes collecting himself before heading down to the holding cells beneath headquarters, unsure of what it is he’s going to find, or how he’s going to approach it.

They’ve got Levi down at the very end of the corridor, in the last holding cell, and as Erwin approaches, he sees that Mike’s description had been sadly accurate.

Levi is sitting atop the cell’s lone cot, pressed into the back corner, facing away from the bars. He has his arms wrapped around himself, and even from this angle, Erwin can see his fingers are curled so tight over his arms, the knuckles are turning white, the material of his shirt pulled taught across his stiff back.

Erwin’s sure he must know he’s there, but he doesn’t say anything.

“… Levi.” He begins after a moment.

Levi doesn’t react, keeping faced away. This close, Erwin can see a vague tremble working through his small frame.

Erwin sighs. His heart sinks at the sight.

“… I heard about what happened.” He begins again after a moment. “I came to see if you were alright.”

Still, Levi doesn’t answer, and Erwin backs away from the bars, leaning against the brick wall behind him.

“… Do you want to tell me about it?”

A long moment goes by, and Erwin thinks Levi is going to continue to be silent, until he sees him give a single, stiff shake of his head.

Erwin frowns.

“If you tell me what happened, I can get you out of here sooner. I know it wasn’t your fault Levi. Mike told me those particular recruits have given you trouble before.”

Another, long moment, and then Erwin hears Levi mutter, almost soundless.

“… Don’t matter.”

“It does matter Levi. I want to understand.”

Levi again shakes his head.

“Th… they had it comin’, ‘s all. But the rules is the rules, right Erwin? So it don’t matter…”

Levi’s voice is low and rough, like he’s blown it out.

Hange had told him Levi had been screaming bloody murder when Mike had pulled him off of the other recruit. That he’d thrashed madly to get out of Mike’s hold, until he’d worn himself to exhaustion, and had finally fallen limp, giving up and letting himself be lead away. They’d said it had taken all of Mike’s strength just to keep Levi from breaking free and jumping back on the other young man, his arms and legs wrapped around him.

“… It matters to me, Levi. Please. Tell me what happened. What did they do?”

Levi is silent for several minutes then, and Erwin watches as his head bows down, his arms finally uncurling around himself, only for his hands to lift, fingers burying in his hair and pulling what looks like painfully on the dark strands.

“… M-my mama… y-ya know Erwin… she was a… s-she worked as a… as a whore, I mean. I dunno how they knew. I dunno…”

Erwin feels his whole body wind tight with the words, his posture immediately straightening.

This is the first time Levi’s ever offered up any real information about his background to him.

Levi sniffs, and Erwin can see him wipe at his eyes, and wonders if he’s been crying.

“Well… b-but she wasn’t no whore. She wasn’t… she just done… just done what she needed to… to keep us l-livin’…”

“… Of course,” Erwin answers, voice soft.

“… They said she liked it. Th-they said she… b-but that ain’t true, Erwin. That ain’t…”

Finally Levi turns, and looks at him.

He isn’t crying, but his eyes are rimmed red, set deep in his gaunt face, bruised circles beneath. His skin is pale. He looks sick.

“They wasn’t there, they… they didn’t s-see how they hurt… how they hurt my mama. They didn’t see that, Erwin.”

He says it desperately. Like he’s desperate for Erwin to believe him. And Erwin feels his heart fall to pieces.

God…

“I know Levi.” He says, and his own voice quivers.

Levi stares up at him, his eyes, for a moment, naked with pain, before he looks quickly away, expression twisting into a scowl.

“You don’t know.” He says. “You can’t…”

“… Levi…”

“They… they raped her. Every night, they… these… these men’d come and they’d… and she’d be c-cryin’ after. Ya know? I remember that. She’d be cryin’, a-and she’d got all these bruises all over and… and she tried so hard to make me think it was alright, but… but it wasn’t. It wasn’t… and there wasn’t nothin’ I could… ‘cause I was weak. I was too weak, and…”

“Levi,”

“Well, I’m a bastard Erwin. One of those men was my… well… I couldn’t even figure that out ‘till I was damn near grown. I guess I really am dumb, huh? But maybe if Mama hadn’t of had me, like… like Kenny used to say… when he got to drinkin’ and was real mad… he used to say, if she hadn’t of had me, she’d still be here… ya know? So… I might as well of killed her too, I… I think.”

Erwin shakes his head. He shakes it hard.

He doesn’t know who this Kenny is. He hardly knows what Levi is even talking about, only he knows it’s horrifying. That Levi is saying he had to watch his own mother be raped, night after night. And to blame himself for that, for anything that happened to his mother, when he’d only been a boy…

Ah, but then, Erwin understands about guilt. About feelings of guilt, and a child’s responsibility toward their parent. But that isn’t the same. Levi had simply been born. He didn’t do anything. To hold himself responsible, for this man, Kenny, whoever he is, to hold Levi responsible, Erwin cannot bear to hear it.

“That isn’t true Levi. It isn’t.”

Levi shakes his head.

“You don’t gotta’ be kind Erwin. You already…” he shakes his head again. “You don’t gotta’ be.”

“I am not being kind, Levi. I am being honest.” Erwin tells him, resolute. “You cannot blame yourself for a thing like that. I… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, that you… you’ve had a life like…”

He trails off.

Like what?

A life of struggle and poverty, he’d suspected, and now Levi is telling him as much. Telling him in so many words. A life of depravation Erwin can scarcely imagine.

And yet, he knows deep down, what Levi has revealed to him here is only the surface.

How deeply does this man’s suffering go, he wonders?

Does he truly wish to find out?

Levi is watching him now, his eyes the color of storm clouds. He’s watching Erwin like he expects him to finish. Like he expects him to say something meaningful. But Erwin has no words of meaning to offer.

What Levi’s revealed to him leaves him feeling sick with grief and despair. Leaves him furious with the gross cruelty of it all.

He has nothing to say that will make any of it better. That will change any of it. As always when it comes to this man whom he tore so thoughtlessly from his home, Erwin can only feel the crushing burden of his own uselessness. A man he took possession of like some shiny, new toy, and then found himself woefully ill-suited to taking care of.

He swallows, shaking his head.

“… I’m going to get you out of here.” He tells Levi in place of any, true comfort. “I’ll explain that the incident wasn’t your fault. They’ll listen to me.”

He steps nearer the bars, and Levi falls back against the far wall. He looks away.

“Will you be alright down here for a little while?”

“… You don’t gotta’ worry about me, Erwin.” Levi tells him. “I been in worse places.”

“… I know.” Erwin frowns. “… I’ll be back soon.”

He turns and begins back down the corridor, already thinking of how to explain away Levi’s behavior without revealing any of what he’s been told.

He tries his best to ignore the awful reluctance he feels, leaving Levi alone like this.

The almost dread he feels at it.

Chapter Text

He ain’t likin’ this plan, Levi thinks, mouth pulled down tight at the corners as he works silently at the backs of the MPs, gathered round Isabel, who’s rollin’ around on the ground, puttin’ on a real show for ‘em.

“Aww, jeez misters, y-ya gotta’ help me! Ya gotta!” She wails, arms wrapped around her stomach, moaning and sobbing like she’s in pain.

The MPs keep yellin’ at her to scram, growing more agitated by the second as Levi lifts their purses off of ‘em. He ain’t likin’ it. He’d told Furlan and Izzy he could do this himself, that he didn’t need no distraction to rob the fuckers blind. Just ‘cause he’d got caught last time, had takin’ a rifle butt to his temple and barely got away, the two of ‘em insisted they help this time around.

But Levi don’t even like these guys layin’ eyes on Izzy or Fur. Don’t like ‘em knowin’ about ‘em.

He knows it ain’t really logical. The three of ‘em were already on the MPs list, having built a reputation for robbing the fat cat merchants that came down here to rip off all the people that didn’t know no better.

Bastards deserved to get robbed, far as Levi’s concerned, what with the kinds ‘a prices they charged for the most basic shit. Shit he knows from Kenny they didn’t charge half as much for topside.

Well, but still, he don’t like getting Izzy and Fur involved like this. But they’d overruled him on a vote, and so here they were.

Isabel’s really puttin’ on a show, Levi thinks unhappily, slidin’ the second to last MPs purse out from his back pocket, really hamming it up. No way these fucks are gonna’ believe her. They’re dumb, but they ain’t that dumb.

Well, sure enough, just as he’s liftin’ the last guys purse, one of ‘em steps toward Izzy and reaches down, grabbing her roughly by the wrist and yankin’ her up off the ground.

“Say, what kinda’ scam are you tryin’ to pull, girly!?” He hisses at her. “You think we’re gonna’ fall for this shit!?”

“H-hey! Let go!” Isabel cries, trying to pull away. But she isn’t strong enough, and her voice pitches high in a pained whine as the MP squeezes tighter.

Levi drops the purse and doesn’t think, just moves.

He reaches up, buries his fingers in the collar of the MPs jacket, yanks him down and sweeps his feet out from under him as he does.

The guy yelps in surprise, his grip on Isabel loosening enough for her to slip out, but now their job’s blown. The other three MPs whip around, their eyes falling quick to Levi, who jumps back. He sees their faces twist in anger and recognition.

“Izzy, get out!” He yells, and Isabel knows better than to argue, jumping to her feet and turning the other way, hightailing it outta’ there.

Furlan’s heard the commotion from where he was staked out, watching for any other police, and Levi sees him come skidding round the corner of a nearby shake, eyes wide with fright. Levi looks at him, opens his mouth to tell him like Izzy, to get out, but he don’t have time to get the words out before one of the MPs has lunged, trying to grab at him.

Levi just barely manages to spring onto his hands and outta’ reach, and he don’t have time to stop, ‘cause the other three are after him all at once.

He catches one of ‘em on the jaw with the heel of his boot as he flips back again, twisting in the air so he lands facing away. He breaks into a sprint, just having to hope the MPs keep on him, and that Furlan knows enough to go the other way.

They know where to meet up in case ‘a something like this, he tells himself.

It don’t take him long to lose the fuckers, twisting and turning through the back-alley’s and abandoned hovels, but his mind can’t stop whirring and worrying. He’d kept three of ‘em on him, he knows, but the fourth one had peeled off, probably to go after Izzy.

He knows she can take care of herself, that she should be able to run circles round these idiots, but still…

There’s a numbness in his fingers when he finally reaches their place, a sharp tingling as he wraps them round the handle of the door, and a lick of something unpleasant in the pit of his stomach as he pulls it open.

It all flees away when he catches sight of Isabel and Furlan, sitting together against the cushions of the ratty couch they’d dug up from one of the giant waste dumps spread across the Underground. Their gaze’ snap toward the door, fixing on him, and the relief he feels at the sight of them is also in their eyes.

“Big Bro!” Isabel jumps up, comes barreling across the space and into him, her arms coming up round his waist. “We were so worried!”

Furlan stands too, his tense shoulders drooping as he staggers toward Levi.

“Shit, what took you so long Lee?” He starts, and Levi can hear the tremble in his voice. “We thought those pigs’ grabbed ya.”

Levi shakes his head, resting his hand against Izzy’s crown.

“Nah. You know them pigs ain’t gonna’ catch me.” He reassures. He can feel his heart hammering hard against his ribs, and he licks his lips. “When’d you two make it back?”

“A while ago.” Furlan says. Izzy got here first. I came in not long after. One of those bastards tried followin’ her, but Izzy says she shook him no trouble.”

“Pff, he was fat and slow!” Isabel crows, finally loosening her hold on Levi, beaming up at him. “You shoulda’ seen the way I made that pig trip all over himself, Big Bro! He looked so funny!”

Levi gives Izzy’s hair a tossel.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! What a dope!”

Levi can feel the corners of his lips tug up a little, and he musses up her hair some more before dropping his hand.

“You manage to hold on to any of the haul?” Furlan asks after a moment, and Levi nods, reachin’ into the inside pocket of his vest and pullin’ the MPs purses. Three outta’ four ain’t bad, he thinks.

Furlan reaches out for ‘em, and Levi hand ‘em off without question.

Furlan was the one that was good with all that, numbers and all. So he took care ‘a all the expenses, made all the decisions about how they spent what they had.

Levi felt most of the time like he wasn’t going enough. He wanted to help, but he couldn’t read, and his math wasn’t all that good neither. He could count alright, but anything more complicated than that sent his head spinning.
Some days he thought Furlan must have thought he was a real idiot, on account of him not bein’ able to read and write and such. But Furlan never said nothin’ about it. He was tryin’ to teach Levi, but Levi couldn’t ever pick up on that stuff, and Fur never laughed at him or made fun, like how Kenny used to do.

Well, Isabel couldn’t read neither, and she was even worse at math than Levi was. He thinks both of ‘em would be lost if it weren’t for Furlan.

And his heart’s back to kicking in his chest, thinking about the way their plan had gone to shit, about that MPs shitty hand grabbing Isabel by her wrist, squeezing hard enough to hurt her. About not knowing if they’d made it back safely, if they’d made it back at all, until he walked through the door.

It leaves a sour taste on his tongue, his chest tight with discomfort.

“Izzy, give me your arm.” He starts, his voice coming out harsher than he means it to. Isabel don’t mind none though, used to him as she is. She holds her arm out and Levi takes careful hold, turning it over to get a look at the forming bruise where that bastard had grabbed her. It isn’t terrible, but it’s still got Levi’ blood hot.

He grits his teeth.

He thinks he ought’a go out and find that pig, gut him and leave him to bleed out in the filth.

“Hey, Levi…” Furlan starts, and Levi frowns, letting Izzy’s arm go. Furlan knows the look he gets, when he gets to thinkin’ thoughts like that. When he gets to hearin’ Kenny’s voice in his head, tellin’ him… tellin’ him you gotta’ kill ‘em first, gotta’ kill ‘em first, before they killed you. Before they hurt you and yours.

“Ain’t no more of you two runnin’ jobs on MPs.” He says.

Isabel sqwaks, her big eyes going bigger.

“But Big Bro!”

“Ain’t no more of it!” Levi snaps, losing patience. “It’s too fuckin’ dangerous. You two coulda’ been caught, or killed. If they got their hands on ya, you’d be hung, most like. So forget it.”

He looks up at Furlan, who’s lookin’ back at him with narrowed, unhappy eyes.

“And what about you Lee? It’s okay if you get caught and hung, I guess? They’d have more reason to with you than us.”

Levi steps back, shaking his head.

“I won’t get caught. I been runnin’ circles round those fucks for years.”

“You almost got caught the last time!” Furlan yells suddenly. “Or did you already forget?!”

Levi scowls at him.

“I didn’t. They didn’t get close. You don’t gotta’ worry.”

“Oh, well, that’s easy for you to say Levi. What happens if you do get caught, huh? What do ya think’ll happen to me and Isabel, huh?!”

Levi feels himself go stiff, heart stuttering painful and hard in his chest.

His hands clench to fists at his sides.

Furlan is looking at him with desperate eyes now. Isabel looks like she’s about to start crying.

“… I won’t.” Levi forces out, his voice thing and rough. “I won’t.”

“You can’t know that, Levi. This place’s been crawlin’ with those fucks lately, and we’re starting to get a reputation, you know. It’s only a matter of time before…”

“I won’t leave you guys!” Levi snaps, voice getting louder, and Furlan’s jaw snaps shut, eyes wide and startled.

Levi never really yelled. He never really…

He feels his face spasm in shock at his own loss of control, a hot burn in his cheeks, and he turns away, crossing his arms tight over his chest.

“… I won’t never abandon you guys.” He mumbles. “You know that.”

He hears Furlan sigh heavily at his back.

“… We know Lee.” He says after a moment, voice softer. “Just… we worry. You take too much of the burden onto yourself all the time. We’re supposed to be a team, man.

Levi’s eyes fall closed, his nails digging sharply into his palms.

“… I know.” He says.

And he does. He knows.

But the thought of anything happening to Furlan or Isabel’s got him feelin’ sick to his stomach. Just the thought. He can’t fuckin’ bear it. He was meant to protect them.

Furlan sighs again, and Isabel sniffles loudly, and Levi guesses he’s fucked up again. He’s fucked up and made ‘em upset, ‘cause that’s what he always does. Fucks everything up. Lets everyone down. Let Mama down. Let Kenny down too. He knows.

“Hey, look, why don’t we just talk about this more later, huh?” Furlan says, and his voice is soft, and he’s too good for Levi. Him and Izzy both. “We still got away with a good haul. We should be set for a few weeks at least. What do ya say Lee? Wanna… wanna play a game or something? We got that checkers board we found the other day. You wanna play, Levi?”

… Hey… Levi…

Levi…?

“Levi?”

His head snaps up, the memories smearing and washing from his mind, and he sees Erwin sitting across from him, watching him with that deep, intent gaze of his. Those eyes that see too much.

Embarrassment curls in his gut, and he looks away.

“Shit… sorry. It’s my turn?”

“Yes.” Erwin tells him, and Levi forces his attention back on the board.

He can feel Erwin’s gaze still heavy on him, studying him. It makes it hard to focus. Makes him want to turn away. He feels stupidly ashamed.

He’d thought Erwin didn’t wanna’ spend no time with him, or that he must have thought Levi was stupid, for wanting to play a dumb game like checkers. It’d taken ‘till the next day for Erwin to get him released from the holding cells downstairs, but after getting him out, he’d told Levi he was sorry for dismissing him before, that he hadn’t meant to seem disinterested. And then he’d offered to play a game right then, invited him up to his office, and Levi had felt so fuckin’ stupid. Like a god damn child. Gettin’ all upset over some fuckin’ board game and, what, ‘cause he’d thought Erwin didn’t wanna’ be his friend? And now Erwin was tellin’ him he was sorry, like he’d even done anything wrong. Like he owed that to Levi.

Fuck…

He's such a pathetic freak.

And now he can’t even pay no fuckin’ attention, getting caught up in memories which do nothing but make him wish he was dead now.

“Levi,” Erwin’s voice pulls him from his again spiraling thoughts, and he looks up, realizing he’s been staring at the stupid board and not moving.

“Are you well?”

Levi blinks up at him, shaking his head. He must seem like such a fool.

“Yeah, I just… I’m thinkin’ too much. Sorry. I’ll just…”

“Levi, we don’t have to continue if you aren’t feeling up to it. I’m not going to be upset, if you’re worried.”

Levi frowns.

“I ain’t worried.” He says, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Alright.” Erwin smiles tightly at him. “Still, whatever the reason, if you don’t feel up to playing now, we can always do it another time.”

Levi turns his face away.

“… I just…”

Erwin is silent, waiting, Levi guesses.

He hasn’t talked much about this with no one.

He wonders if Fur and Izzy’d be mad at him, for talkin’ to Erwin about them. When the last time he’d seen ‘em alive… the… the last time he’s spoken to them… he had left to go and kill Erwin. He’d left them, after he’d promised he never would. After he’d promised them. And now he was gonna’ talk about ‘em to to same man he’d sworn he’d kill… the same man who’d schemed and plotted and got them wrapped up in his goals… who’d… who’d used them…

Levi knows that. He knows Erwin had used them. He’d been so angry at first, because of that. He’d been filled with so much vicious anger. He’d thought, some, about killing Erwin, even after he’d chosen to stay with the Corps. Even after he’d been convinced by Erwin’s words, and had begun to believe in him, believe in his vision, in his ability.

He wonders now if it would be a betrayal, for him to talk to Erwin about Furlan and Isabel. Any more than he already has, anyway.

But they were dead, and he guesses, in a way, it was better to talk about them. In a way, it was like keeping ‘em alive by telling others. Better than just keeping all those memories to himself, locked away where no one else would ever know that they’d existed. That they’d mattered.

Because they had. They’d mattered. They’d dreamed of living in the sun. Dreamed of breathing fresh air, and the sky, and clouds. Their dreams had mattered too. They’d died for those dreams. And now it was Levi who had hold of them. Levi who lived those dreams in their place.

Most days he don’t think he deserves it.

He’d never dreamed of it, like they had. He’d thought… really thought, well… he was born in the Underground, and he’d live his whole life there, and then he’d die there too, ‘cause that was just how it went for people like him.

He hadn’t believed in Above like Fur and Izzy. They’d believed in it so much, and Levi had wanted so badly just to make it real for them, even when he couldn’t convince himself of it being possible at all.

Erwin made him realize it was possible. Erwin made him believe. ‘Cause he was here now, in the sun. He could see the sky now, couldn’t he? So blue and bright it hurt his eyes just to look at it. He could fill his lungs with air and not choke on its decayed staleness and sewage. There was warmth here. It soaked into his skin and left him dizzy with comfort. For his whole life he’d thought that wasn’t possible. Underground was always damp. Always wet and cold. Even in the dead of summer, it wasn’t warm, it was stifling and stagnant and suffocating. Not warm. Something dead in the air down there. Something rotten and dead.

But up here, up Above, there was life. Blue skies and white clouds and burning bright sun. Green fields and trees. Trees like how Mama used to tell him. Trees and grass and animals and warmth. Up here there was hope.

That was Furlan and Isabel’s dream, and Erwin made Levi realize it was real, could be real.

And not just their dream. Everybody’s. Everybody’s dream could be real, somehow, and Levi could help them, like he’d wanted to help Furlan and Isabel. He could use his strength for that. He could.

And so he was living their dream for them now, so maybe someday he could make the dreams of other people real, even if he’d failed his family’s. With Erwin… with Erwin guiding him, Levi would know how to use his strength better, to do better, for all those other people.

If Furlan and Isabel could hear that, if they could see it was Erwin who showed Levi how, they would understand, he thinks. They would want other people’s dreams to be made real, even if they’d never gotten to touch theirs. They would forgive him for talking to this man about them, then. For following after him, and trusting him, because they would see it was Erwin who could help Levi do what he couldn’t do on his own. And so then it would be that they hadn’t died for nothing. That there could be meaning in it. There could be meaning in the lives they’d lived, and the dreams they’d had, and the way they’d died.

Levi’s fingers curl to fists against the material of his pants. He stares at his raw knuckles. He’d washed himself too hard after getting outta’ the holding cells. He’d scrubbed his skin red and almost bleeding, like how he sometimes did when he got to thinking too much about everything.

“… I was just thinkin’ ‘bout Fur and Izzy.” He mutters, maybe too low for Erwin to hear.

“… Oh.” Erwin breaths softly.

Levi picks absently at some lint along his thigh.

“… Yeah. Well, we used to play checkers and all. So it just made me think.” He mutters again. “I was rememberin’ this time when we got into some mess with some MPs. I was liftin’ their purses. Wasn’t like they needed ‘em. Izzy was the distraction, and Fur was on lookout. This one fucker, he grabbed Isabel, and I thought… for a second I thought he was gonna’ kill her. Ya know? I thought they’d both…”

He shakes his head, and stops, and he can feel Erwin’s eyes on him still.

“… Well, anyway. It don’t matter now, I guess…”

“No,” Erwin tells him gently. “It does. I would like to hear more Levi. If you’re willing.”

Levi looks up at him, studies Erwin’s face. There’s openness there, he thinks. Honesty.

And he thinks, Furlan and Isabel would understand, if he talked to Erwin about them.

They’d understand.

And so he does.

He tells Erwin about them.

About their lives together.

About their lives, which had meant something.

Chapter Text

“He’s a physical genius.” Hange says beside him, and Erwin blinks, her voice taking a moment to register through the haze of his own mesmerized staring. He hears the awe in it, and thinks it matches his own.

Levi is jumping rope.

Well… he’s doing something which Erwin can think of no other term for, but which falls absurdly beyond the scope of anything associated with what he had used to simply think of as a children’s activity.

Certainly well beyond anything Erwin himself had ever been capable of, or thought even possible.

He had never been particularly adept at the activity. As a child, he’d been clumsy at it at best, the thin strip of leather constantly getting caught up in his over large feet. And whenever he’d managed to keep a steady rhythm going for more than half a minute, he would quickly be overcome by fatigue and have to stop shortly after.

Levi had fashioned the rope he had now himself. He had picked up a raw strip of leather from the nearby market sometime yesterday, had taken to working it, tanning and smoothing it and stripping it, until it was the right width and length, and then he’d whittled two wooden handles for it with deft, quick fingers, out of a block of wood. Erwin had watched him do the latter, surprised, despite himself. He really shouldn’t be at this point, he knows, at all the many hidden talents Levi seems to possess.

He'd given the rope to Erwin earlier, asked to see what he could do, and Erwin had proceeded, he thinks, to make a completely ass out of himself.

If he had been bad at this as a child, he was woefully miserable at it now. He hadn’t been able to keep it up for more than a few seconds at a time, the rope continually catching his feet, and he felt like some great, lumbering oaf beneath the penetrating gaze of his tiny new recruit. But if Levi found his uncoordinated and pitiful attempts amusing, he didn’t laugh, simply watched, and tried to give instruction, until at last Erwin had grown frustrated and handed the rope back to him, muttering that he was simply no good at it. Levi had tried telling him that the rope was probably too short for him, since he’d made it to fit his own size, assuring him with a longer length, he would do better. Erwin really had no desire to embarrass himself further, but Levi had seemed so earnest in his words, he hadn’t had the heart to tell him no either, especially when he promised to buy another strip of leather and make a rope to fit Erwin’s exact size. “Extra-large” he’d said, deadpan, while staring up at Erwin with that passive, heavy lidded expression he always wore. Erwin had had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. Levi could be unintentionally very funny.

Hange had done better than him, unsurprisingly. They’d even managed to keep up a steady pace of close to two minutes once without tripping over the rope, and they’d whooped in triumph afterward as Levi told them they’d done a good job.

Hange’s experience with the toy had been more or less similar to Erwin’s own. They’d had a jump rope as a child, had played with it occasionally, but had never been particularly interested or invested in it. They’d thought of it as Erwin had. A children’s plaything.

There had been other children he knew growing up, whom he’d thought good at the thing. Some even who’d been able to do tricks and such, alternating feet as they skipped, crisscrossing the rope in front of them between jumps.

Levi can do that. Levi can… do things Erwin hadn’t thought humanly possible.

He’d seen children do double unders. That’s what it was called, Levi said, when you passed the rope beneath you more than once. Erwin had never seen anyone do more than that. Not until today.

Levi had started out slowly, skipping over the rope with a smooth, easy motion which Erwin could immediately tell was infinitely superior to anything he or Hange had managed to produce, and had kept it up for close to five full minutes without once missing. That already had been impressive, in Erwin’s eyes, that steadiness and apparent endurance. Gradually, then, Levi had begun to quicken the pace at which the rope passed beneath his feet, keeping the same even, smooth motion of before, only increasingly faster, until suddenly he was passing the rope beneath his feet two times, and then three… and then four… and now five. Levi was passing the rope beneath himself five times in the span of a split second, too fast, in truth, for Erwin to truly keep track with his eyes. He could hear it, though. He could hear the whip of the rope as Levi spun it round himself, five, sharp cracks between his feet touching the ground.

All this would be absurd enough, Erwin thinks, only Levi is also crisscrossing the rope in front of him at the end of each, fifth pass, and still, somehow, managing to do all this within the less than a second it takes for his feet to come back down on the hard packed earth. The speed is… frightening. It’s inhuman, he thinks. The coordination, the power and endurance. Levi is unlike anything he’s ever seen.

He keeps this up, a continuous, uninterrupted stream of… what would you even call it, quintet unders? He keeps it up for a solid ten minutes, until his button up shirt is soaked completely through with sweat, clinging like a wet rag to his torso, his hair drenched the same, plastering to his forehead.

Hange is still talking, but Erwin can barely pay attention.

“I mean, I knew it already, that he was a genius. The way he kills titans made that obvious, but… God, Erwin… I can’t believe this shit.”

“… Yeah.” Erwin mutters dazedly.

Levi is slowing down now, a gradual and deliberate lessening of his pace, until he’s back to the steady, easy pace of the beginning, finally coming to a complete stop.

He stands there, breathing only slightly more labored than before he started, although he looks like he’s been sprayed down with a hose, his clothes are so soaked through with his sweat, his mouth twisting in a disgusted frown as he stares down at himself.

“Tch.” He mutters. And then, without any apparent hesitation, he passes the right handle of the rope to his left hand, holding both there as he begins unbuttoning his shirt, peeling it from his body like a second skin.

Erwin stares, slack jawed a moment, at Levi’s naked torso.

He realizes, somehow, that he’s never seen Levi like this.

He’s profoundly powerful looking.

Erwin could have guessed, from the blunt thickness of his wrists and forearms, and even his hands. Levi may have been petit in stature, but he was anything but slight. Erwin would call him stout, only the term seems wholly inadequate.

He’s thick all over, from the neck down, and looks as powerful as Erwin knows he is. Dense, corded muscle moves and shifts smoothly beneath pale skin, clean and mostly hairless, but for a few, dark whisps which trail from beneath his naval and disappear past the waistband of his trousers. There seems to be no fat on him, or hardly any, in any case, but he doesn’t have the look of one who’s dehydrated, or unhealthy in their wiriness. There’s a plump softness to his skin, the definition beneath only obvious when he moves and one can observe the muscles underneath working. When he does, one sees he is almost obscenely defined. He looks, Erwin thinks, like one of those bronze or marble statues one sees decorating town squares, or scattered throughout the gardens of noble households, each dip and divot and crease deeply rendered, and standing in stark relief against the whiteness of his skin. His shoulders are broad for his size, his chest flat but wide, tapering down into a thick but beautifully proportioned waist, the muscles of his abdomen tight and smooth and natural, so unlike some of the men Erwin has seen whose muscles grow overdeveloped from constantly eating and lifting weights, but doing little else.

He has a few scars marring the otherwise pristine expanse of his skin, raised, puckered ropes of scar tissue crisscrossing and jagged against his chest and stomach. One particularly nasty looking one runs from just below his sternum all the way down to his left hip, again vanishing beneath the waistband of his trousers. The cut looks, Erwin thinks, to have been made with a serrated edge.

When Levi turns, moving to hang his sweat drenched shirt up along one of the wooden posts lining the edges of the grounds, Erwin sees his back is just as broad and thick and powerful as the rest of him, and here there are yet more scars, ugly, vicious looking things. Erwin wonders, for a dread filled moment, if they were made by a blade, or a whip.

There’s so much about Levi he doesn’t know. It seems each moment is hellbent on reminding him of it.

Levi turns back to them then, the jump rope still held in his left hand, his skin reflecting the yellow heat of the sun overhead, glistening and wet.

Erwin’s mouth feels dry.

Levi is guileless, oblivious to his body, it seems. To the beauty of it. He walks about in front of them without any sense of demure or shame, like it doesn’t even occur to him, the sexual implications of his thick, powerful torso glistening with sweat in the mid-afternoon heat. He’s like a child, Erwin thinks. He has the innocence of a child, and Erwin’s heart feels heavy to look at him, a nasty, bitter anger at himself for his own attraction. At his horrible, traitorous brain for conjuring explicit images, of Levi spread out beneath him, sweat soaked as he is now, panting and slack jawed, eyes hazy with lust as Erwin works him slowly open with his fingers.

He swallows, turning his eyes away.

By God, what was wrong with him?

It was wrong, what he was thinking. It was disgusting.

Erwin has little doubt that Levi has never experienced sexual intimacy of any kind. He’s so socially awkward, so inept at navigating social interactions, Erwin can hardly even imagine him attempting to initiate any sort of sexual encounter. And he’s seen the way others react to Levi’s bluntness. How quickly his lack of filter and lack of charm turns others off. He doubts anyone has ever shown Levi the kind of patience he would need for any kind of physical contact beyond fisticuffs to develop. He doubts anyone has ever touched Levi with any, real tenderness.

That thought, too, leaves a bitter, hateful taste in his mouth.

Levi remains unknowing of Erwin’s inner thoughts though, only continuing to demonstrate for him and Hange, earnest and excited to share in something he so clearly loves.

He does backflips and front flips while passing the rope underneath him. He jumps into splits, and pulls the rope underneath as he comes out of them. He jumps rope in a crouch, and alternates feet, and does speed runs, turns the rope beneath him at blinding speeds, too quickly for Erwin to even hope to keep track. He does all of this in combination, one trick connecting to another in the most astonishing and awe-inspiring display of coordination Erwin has ever seen.

Hange is right. Levi is a physical genius. He’s special. Truly special.

And he doesn’t even know it.

There’s something deeply tragic in that, Erwin thinks. How guilelessly unaware Levi is of his own abilities, how blind to his own worth.

Over the course of an hour, Levi shows them all of these impossible, incredible things, these immense and unreal feats of physical brilliance. And at the end of it all, sweat sleuthing off him in rivers, his breath, at last, labored and strained with the effort of it all, he smiles up at them, eyes bright and full of life and utterly devoid of cunning, the trustful, earnest gaze of a boy seeking the approval of an adult, and he asks…

“How was that?”

Hange practically squeals, launching themselves at him and throwing their arms round his sweat soaked body, unheeding and uncaring of the way their own clothes grow damp with the contact.

“Oh my God, LEVI!” They screech, and Erwin sees Levi go stiff, flinching back, arms locked at his sides. But he doesn’t push Hange away, or shake them loose. He lets them hug him, even as his expression goes lost, and Erwin smiles quietly to himself for the softness of Levi beneath his stoic awkwardness. “That was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen! You’re a bonafide genius, you know that? You’re unbelievable!”

Levi doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t seem to know what to say, how to respond. His eyes dart past Hange then, up to Erwin, that same, lost confusion. That same unawareness of his own exceptionalism. He doesn’t understand why Hange is so excited.

Erwin smiles at him then, broad and full, and hopes it conveys to Levi even the smallest bit of the warmth he’s begun to feel this extraordinary man.

Chapter Text

“Ah ha!” Levi slaps his palm against the board, the flat, wooden pieces scattering about chaotically as he looks up at Erwin. He can’t help the grin which splits his face, a kind of silly pride swelling in his chest. “I win!”

He half expects a look of annoyance or frustration to cross the larger man’s features, losing a lowbrow game to a lowbrow hooligan, but Erwin only smiles softly back at him, suddenly holding out his hand in concession.

“Indeed, you have. Good game, Levi. I suspect, soon, you’ll be giving me a run for my money in chess, as well.”

Levi feels stupid, suddenly, getting such a kick out of beating Erwin at anything, and at thinking Erwin would feel insecure about it. As if it mattered, losing a stupid game of checkers. Erwin was a superior person. He was so much smarter than him, so much better at all the things that mattered. Levi just had more experience playing the game. He knows, if Erwin wanted, he could get better at it, and likely he’d wipe the floor with Levi, then. He almost thinks now that Erwin had let him win. But then, Erwin wasn’t the sort to lose on purpose, either, Levi was certain. He wasn’t the pitying type. Levi liked that about him. That he treated everyone around him like he expected the best from them. Like he believed in the best from them.

He never deliberately made Levi feel small.

Levi reaches out, taking Erwin’s hand.

Erwin’s hands are massive, swallowing his own entirely. Levi thinks, if they held their hands palm to palm, his own fingers likely would only reach to a little past the base of Erwin’s, his palm maybe half as broad.

Erwin is the ideal man, Levi thinks. Tall, and broad shouldered, and handsome, and strong. But beyond that, even, intelligent and brave and dutiful. He’s a good man.

Levi feels a kind of sick shame, then, when he thinks he once thought to kill this man. No matter it had been for Furlan and Isabel. It would have been a gross injustice, to rob the world of a man like Erwin.

“I ain’t too good at chess.” He says, when Erwin lets his hand go. “Too cere… cereb… what’s ‘at word you use, describin’ smarts?”

“Cerebral?” Erwin laughs. “You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for, Levi.”

Levi shrugs and looks away.

“I mean it, Levi. You’re very intelligent. I wouldn’t say so if I didn’t believe it. You know education has little to do with innate intellect.”

Levi blinks down at his hands, resting now in his lap. His skin tingles and feels warm where Erwin had touched it.

“… Okay.” He says dumbly, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

A heavy silence falls between them, then, the only sound filling the room the soft crackling of the fire against the back wall, and Levi feels awkward.

He wishes he weren’t like this. He wishes he knew how to hold a real conversation. He always fucks everything up with his stupid brain. Furlan had been used to it, and Izzy hadn’t had no expectations to begin with, so he’d never felt like this around them. But…

Erwin must think he’s boring…

“Can I ask you a question, Levi?” Erwin’s voice suddenly breaks the quiet, and Levi almost starts at it, so lost in his own thoughts.

He looks up at Erwin, and shrugs.

“Sure.” He answers.

“It’s rather personal. If you aren’t comfortable with it, please, feel no obligation to answer.”

Levi shrugs again.

Erwin studies him for a long moment, his sharp eyes seeming to pierce right through him, and Levi struggles not to squirm under their intensity.

“… Have you ever been with anyone?” Erwin finally asks.

Levi blinks.

He doesn’t understand the question.

“You mean, like…?” He shakes his head. He doesn’t understand. “I told you ‘bout Fur and Izzy. ‘Bout how we met and all.”

Erwin shakes his head.

“No, I mean… have you ever been with anyone romantically? Or otherwise?”

Levi feels his face go warm, a swoop of embarrassed dread down through his stomach. His hands curl to fists, gripping the material of his pants.

“… You mean sex.” He says, voice flat.

“I suppose.” Erwin replies carefully.

“… I ain’t ever been with no whores.” Levi says, voice low. “Most ‘a the women down there is whores. So… I wouldn’t, on account ‘a… I just wouldn’t.”

Erwin knows about his Ma. He thinks he should understand.

“Surely not all the women, though.” Erwin tries. “Have you ever had a girl?”

Levi swallows, face hotter with shame.

“Not too many girls interested.” He mutters.

“I find that hard to believe.” Erwin smiles gently.

“I’m ugly.” Levi says flatly, and Erwin frowns.

“I don’t think so.” He protests, and Levi shrugs.

“Well, then, you ain’t think like the rest. I’m ugly. Short and ugly and got a shitty personality. Not too many girls interested. I wouldn’t fuck no whores, on account ‘a my Ma. I ain’t gonna’ do that to none of ‘em.”

Erwin’s eyes seem troubled, suddenly, forehead creased, frown deepening.

“Have you… ever been with anyone, then? Have you ever…” he stops, hesitating, and Levi wishes he would stop. Wishes he would stop asking questions.

“You think I’m a queer.” He snaps, frustrated and scared. “I ain’t never fucked no guys. Ain’t never let no guys fuck me. Okay? I ain’t… I ain’t done that.”

He’s not lying. Nobody’s ever wanted to. Nobody’s ever wanted to fuck him. Nobody’s ever asked. Well, it don’t matter, then, what Levi likes or don’t like. It don’t matter.

People down below used to call Levi all sorts of names, before they realized he wasn’t the sort to tussle with. Queer and faggot and cocksucker. Levi never knew what it was about him that… that gave it away. What was it about him that people saw…

He guesses Erwin’s seen it too, then. He guesses…

He wonders if Erwin feels disgusted by him. He wonders if Erwin will throw him out, now. He wonders what he’ll do if he does…

“… Levi.” Erwin begins after a moment, voice soft. He reaches out, and takes Levi by the forearm, pulling his hand up onto the table between them. Levi’s hands are shaking, his fingers curled too tight against his palms, nails biting into skin. Erwin is gentle as he uncurls them, cradling his hand, laying his own over top it. “It’s alright.”

Levi blinks again, swallows painfully.

“You’re alright.” Erwin repeats.

Levi stares up at him, his heart pounding hard against his ribs, and suddenly he wants to be away. He wants to be away from here. Why’d Erwin have to ask him about all this?

He pulls his hand free, standing abruptly, the sound of his chairs legs scrapping harsh against the floorboards.

“I… I gotta’ go.” He whispers.

Erwin stands too, face heavy with concern.

“Levi, if I’ve offended you…”

Levi shakes his head.

“Nah… Nah… just gotta’ go. Gotta’…”

He turns, then, and has to force himself not to run from the room.

Why would Erwin ask him all that?

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything…

//

Levi can hear them, snickering and laughing across the room.

He tries to ignore it, to focus on scrubbing the floor around his bunk. He’s been at it since he left Erwin’s quarters earlier this afternoon. Tryin’ to keep his mind off what Erwin said. Off what Erwin knows about him, he guesses. He keeps half expectin’ the older man to show suddenly, tell him he’s got to go, back to the Underground. That his kind weren’t welcome here, in the Corps. Couldn’t have no queers in the Corps.

He don’t wanna’ see Erwin’s face when he tells him. Don’t wanna’ see the disgust there.

He doesn’t wanna’ go, neither. Don’t wanna’ go back down there, to that life. Livin’ in the damp and the dark. Livin’ just to survive…

Fur and Izzy were gone, and there wouldn’t be nothin’ down there no more, but survivin’.

Thought of it makes his throat close up tight.

He’d been alone, before Fur and Izzy. That was so long ago now, though. He thinks… thinks, if he had to go back to that, it would hurt. It would hurt bad. Worse’n when Kenny left him, even…

The other recruits are still laughin’, and Levi keeps his eyes on the boards.

He don’t care if they think he’s strange. He guesses maybe he is. He’d rather be strange than live like a buncha’ pigs, the way they do.

Today was an off day, meaning nobody had to do any kind of drills or training or nothin’. So they’d all gone out, his bunk mates, and then they’d all come back a few hours later, from town, he guesses.

Levi didn’t have nowhere to go, and he didn’t like going into town, no how. There were too many people, besides. So he spent the day cleaning the barracks.

Only, when they’d all come back, they’d tracked mud all over the fuckin’ floor, and Levi’d had to set to cleaning it again. It made him mad, but he didn’t say nothin’, just set to work. And now they were laughin’ at him. He knew it. They were laughin’, watching him down on his knees, scrubbing and scrubbing at the floor.

Well, he don’t care.

“H-hey, Levi…” one of ‘em, Hans, Levi thinks his name is, comes up to him after a while. “Y-you sure like cleaning, don’t you?” He’s trying not to laugh, but his stupid voice keeps breaking into giggles.

Levi ignores him too, keeping his eyes trained down.

He can’t afford to get into no more fights, he knows. He don’t wanna’ get sent back down to the cells. He knows, too, if you fucked up bad enough, they’d subject you to a public whipping, and Levi don’t want that neither.

So he ignores him, but Hans keeps talking to him anyway.

“Look, we… we’re sorry, about the way we’ve been treating you. We really are. We just didn’t know what to make of you, at first. You being from the Underground, and all.”

Levi feels himself stiffen, his hands stilling. He doesn’t look up.

“What do ya want?” He asks, irritated. He just wants to be left alone.

“Well, we were all talking, and thought we should try and make it up to you, somehow. And, well, since you like cl-cleaning so much…”

Hans starts to snicker again, and Levi grits his teeth, his temper threatening to flare.

“Fuck off.” He mutters, forcing himself to continue scrubbing.

“Aww, come on Levi, just give us a chance to make it up to you, will ya? Look, we pulled our money together and bought you a present. Since you like cleaning so much. See? It’s a kind of fancy, powdered soap. We thought you’d really enjoy it.”

Finally, Levi glances up at the recruit and sees him holding out a tin of something. There’s a label across the front, but Levi can’t read it. He tries making sense of the letters, but they all jumble together and get his brain confused.

Hans is grinning ear to ear, barely holding his laughter in, and Levi knows the bastard is trying to fuck with him, somehow.

“I told you to fuck off. Go away.” Levi tells him, finally pushing himself to his feet.

Hans keeps grinning, staring down at him with a smug fuckin’ look on his stupid face.

“You know what this is, Levi? Can’t you read the label? It’s a fancy soap. We spent a whole lotta’ money on it. So maybe you should show some gratitude.”

Levi scowls, getting ready to move past him, but Hans holds a hand out to stop him.

“Wait, just… here, let me show you…” and he starts to pull the tin’s lid free.

“Move.” Levi tells him, really starting to get annoyed now. This was another one of their fuckin’ shitty pranks, he’s sure of it. He swears, he’s gonna’ knock the son of bitches teeth outta’ his head if he don’t get outta’ the way.

“Here, just… just give it a sniff. You’ll love it, I promise…” Hans laughs again, starting to hold the tin out, close to Levi’s face.

Levi starts to step back, a sinking feeling in his gut, only he’s barely moved before Hans is flinging something into his face.

Levi flinches back, hard, some kind of powdery substance sticking to his skin, getting into his eyes.

He blinks rapidly, reaching up and trying to wipe it away, his heart starting to kick hard in his chest.

What the fuck… what the fuck did he just…

Hans bursts into laughter in front of him, everyone else beginning to join in, and Levi feels something sick and awful in his guts, a kind of ugly uncertainty. His skin tingles and seems to burn, and he doesn’t know what they’ve done. He doesn’t know.

His hands shake as he wipes at the powder covering his face, and the tingling, burning sensation is on his hands too, he realizes. It’s on his skin, and his heart kicks harder, tipping toward panic.

“Wh… what did you…” he starts, and stops.

His skin itches. It itches all over.

He starts to breathe hard, his mouth going dry. His fingers curl, rubbing at his face.

“What is it…?” He asks, dumbly. He wants it off him. He wants it off him now. Right now. Oh, God, he can’t… he doesn’t…

They all start laughing harder, Hans bent over at the waist, slapping his knee.

“Y-your face!” He howls. “Y-you should see your face!”

Levi starts to shake. He doesn’t know what they’ve put on him. It’s… it’s going to kill him, maybe. He thinks. Some kinda’ poison, or something. Some kinda’… his skin burns and itches and he’s panicking, his breath coming hard and labored and fast, his heart slamming into his ribs, and they won’t stop laughing. They won’t answer him.

He bolts, shoving past Hans and the rest of them, out of the barracks and into the hot, afternoon sun. He hears them howling and laughing and shouting behind him, but he can’t make out any of their words.

He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t think. Can’t think straight. His skin was gonna’ fall off. It was gonna’ burn off. He was gonna’ die from this. It was poison. Some kinda’ poison.

He starts to run. He doesn’t know where. He’s running and running, and he doesn’t know what to do. He can hear his own, wheezing breaths in his ears, and he thinks it’s him dying. He’s dying. He’s gonna’ die, because… because they…

He runs straight into something, hard and unyielding. He falls back, knocked into the dirt. Didn’t see. Didn’t see it. He must be going blind too. Must be…

“Levi?”

He looks up, and Erwin is standing there, staring down at him with wide, confused eyes.

Levi blinks, and more of the powder gets in his eyes, and he thinks, suddenly, awfully, he don’t wanna’ die in front of Erwin. He thinks, that would be terrible. It would hurt Erwin, in some way. To see that.

He’s wiping at his face, and he can’t set his thoughts straight, can’t seem to get no air, either.

“Levi… what is it? What’s wrong? What is that you have all over you?”

“Th… they threw somethin’ on me.” Levi stammers, and his voice sounds distant to him, tinny in his own ears. He knew what that was. Knew it too well. Knew this is what happened when he was losin’ it. Really losin’ it. Shit… shit…

“Alright… that’s alright… Levi… calm down… can you calm down for me?” Erwin is saying to him, and Levi don’t know what he’s even talking about. His skin itches and burns and he thinks… thinks he needs to get it off him. Get it off. It’s gonna’ kill him. It’s gonna’ eat him alive, from the inside out. Just like… just like what happened to Mama… like what… so many of ‘em down there, in the dark. So many people, just… flesh eatin’ bacteria’s and shit, and he was gonna’… he was gonna’…

“Levi…”

And suddenly his hands are stilled, his wrists caught in a powerful grip, and Erwin is kneeling in front of him, his face inches away.

“You’re panicking a little. Levi… it’s just itching powder. They played a trick on you?”

Levi blinks, and shakes his head.

He don’t… don’t know what that is. Itching powder? He don’t know…

He tries pulling his arms free, but he isn’t thinking straight, and Erwin won’t let go. He holds tight, almost painful.

“I don’t… I… I don’t…”

“It’s alright. Levi, it’s alright. Can you tell me?”

Again, Levi shakes his head, frantic.

“It’s poison…” he gasps, and Erwin frowns, his eyes tight with something pained.

“It’s not. Levi… this is a common thing. Recruits playing pranks. It happened to me when I first joined up. It just makes your skin itch. It isn’t poison. Don’t you know what itching powder is?”

Levi shakes his head again, and his eyes burn.

He don’t know. He don’t know nothin’.

He tugs again on Erwin’s hold. It’s going to get on him too, he thinks. It’s going to poison Erwin too.

A look comes into Erwin’s eyes then. Something more hurt. Something sad.

“… It’s alright, Levi.” He says again, quieter. “I promise, you’re alright. This isn’t poison.”

“It burns…” Levi again gasps. “m-my skin, it… it’s gonna’…”

“It makes your skin itch. It’s harmless otherwise. Levi, you trust me, don’t you?”

And Levi thinks…

Yes.

Yes. He trusts Erwin. He trusts him. He trusts him more than maybe he’s ever trusted anyone. And he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know. Just that Erwin is… there’s something… something in Erwin… that makes him…

Makes him talk to him, and tell him things he don’t tell nobody. Makes him believe in Erwin and what he says, and he thinks Erwin wouldn’t lie to him. Not about something like this. Not about…

“Come, we’ll get you cleaned up. It’s alright. It will be alright.”

And Erwin is standing again, letting go of Levi’s wrist, but then taking hold of him by the hand, pulling him up to his feet and after him.

Levi doesn’t say anything, just lets himself be lead, realizes finally that Erwin is taking him to his private quarters.

“You can use my bathroom.” Erwin tells him gently, pulling him into the small space.

Levi blinks, and stands there, scratching mindlessly at his neck and head and face as Erwin begins filling the wash tub.

Erwin says it’s not poison, and Levi believes him. Erwin wouldn’t lie to him like that.

“There you are.” He turns to Levi then, smiling softly, and Levi looks away, face hot. He’s embarrassed. Puttin’ up a ruckus like that for nothin’. Erwin must think he’s an idiot. He guesses he is. But Erwin don’t say nothin’ about it. He just comes closer, and rests his broad hand on Levi’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “I’ll go fetch you some clean clothes. And I’m also going to have a word with the recruits you’ve been bunking with. I assume they’re the one’s responsible?”

Levi shakes his head at that, looking up at Erwin with desperate eyes.

“Don’t.” He squeezes out the word, past his tight throat. “I don’t need that.”

“I know, Levi. But I’m done with tolerating this bullying. If these men and women can’t learn to respect you, when you regularly put your life on the line for them, then they don’t deserve to wear the wings of freedom. They need to be told.”

Levi keeps scratching at his head and neck, looking away again, and doesn’t say anything.

Erwin smiles again.

“I’ll be back soon. Just relax. You’ll be alright.”

And so Levi doesn’t argue anymore, after that.

He waits ‘till he’s sure Erwin’s gone before stripping outta’ his clothes, folding them up neatly and placing them on a nearby stool.

He gets into the wash tub, sinking down into the warm water, amazed by it and the space he has to move.

They only ever got cold water, down in the communal showers, and back home, in the Underground, the well water they used was always damn near freezing.

He washes all of the powder off, the relief coming quickly, and he guesses Erwin was right, after all. Levi isn’t surprised. Erwin was always right.

He finds himself relaxing, even as his brain screams at him that he shouldn’t, that he’s in another person’s private space, and he shouldn’t get so comfortable. Only the water feels so nice, and he’s able to actually stretch all the way out and lie back against the wall of the tub.

He doesn’t even realize he’s fallen asleep until he startles awake with a hand on his shoulder. He flinches, water sloshing heavily over the edge of the tub as he looks up with wide eyes, heart slamming inside his chest, and sees Erwin standing over him, his palms held up.

“Sorry.” He says. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I didn’t want you slipping under the water.”

Levi blinks, pushing himself up to sitting, swallowing thickly.

“… I wouldn’t ‘a…” he mutters, face warm.

Erwin only smiles again, but it isn’t mean, like how so many had looked at Levi in his life. Only kind, as Erwin ever is.

“I brought you some fresh clothes.” He nods toward the counter, where a neatly folded pile of clothing sits. “I think they may be a bit large on you, but it was the smallest pair I could find on such short notice. I’ve already sent your own to be laundered.”

“… Oh… thanks.” Levi stutters out. He doesn’t know what to say. He feels stupid and awkward, just sitting here in Erwin’s private wash tub. “S-sorry… ‘bout all this. Guess I’m an idiot.”

“Not at all.” Erwin tells him. “You have nothing to apologize for, Levi.”

Levi doesn’t know how to answer to that, so he just sits there, silent and stupid.

He stares at the water, and wonders what Erwin knows about him.

He realizes suddenly how bad this is, him sittin’ here, in Erwin’s tub, naked, Erwin standin’ over him.

He swallows, thick and uncomfortable.

“Levi… about earlier…”

“Don’t… don’t throw me out, Erwin…” Levi blurts, panic forcing the words from his lips.

“… Excuse me?” Erwin asks, startled.

Levi blinks rapidly. He can hear his breath, harsh inside his ears. Heavy and scared.

“I… I won’t… I won’t be no trouble. Erwin. Don’t send me back Underground. I know what I am’s not allowed in the military, but I promise, I won’t be no trouble.”

For a long moment, Erwin says nothing, and Levi closes his eyes, face hot with shame and fear.

“… Levi, what on earth are you talking about? No one is sending you back Underground. Why would you think such a thing?”

“… ‘Cause you know.” He finally whispers. His hands close to fists, pressed hard against his naked thighs.

“Levi… know what? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Levi feels himself go stiff, realizing his mistake. He was so stupid. He was such a fool.

“N-nothin’.” He scrambles to excuse. “Never mind. Nothin’.”

“Levi…” and Erwin reaches out then, his hand landing gently on Levi’s shoulder.

Levi starts, the water sloshing up the sides of the tub as he flinches back.

“Levi…” Erwin repeats. “calm down. It’s alright. Does it… does it have to do with our earlier conversation?

Levi feels frozen, unable to speak. He keeps his eyes fixed on the water, face suddenly hot with mortification.

Erwin is silent a moment, and Levi wishes he could leave. Wishes he could get up and go. Wishes he could disappear.

“Levi, if… if you’re… worried that I’ll throw you out of the Corps or… or think less of you because you have… certain inclinations…”

“I don’t.” Levi lies unthinkingly. “I don’t… I’m not…”

“It’s alright if you are, Levi. Would… would you think any less of me, or think I should be discharged from the Corps if I were… attracted to men?”

Levi frowns. He still can’t bring himself to look up, trapped where he sits, exposed and pitiful.

“… No.” He at last says.

Again, Erwin is silent, and finally Levi forces himself to look up at him.

Erwin isn’t looking at him, his eyes fixed on some distant point, his lips turned down at their corners.

Levi doesn’t know what to make of the expression. He feels his heart kicking, painful and rapid inside his chest, and he wonders if he’s somehow made another mistake.

And then, suddenly, Erwin’s gaze lands back on him, intense and piercing, and it’s all Levi can do not to look away again.

“Levi, I’m… going to tell you something about myself. I trust you enough to tell you. Alright?”

Levi blinks up at him, and can only nod, a strange, tingling sensation down through his guts.

He sees Erwins swallow, and realizes disbelievingly that the older man is nervous.

“… Levi… well… hell, I’m just going to come out and say it. Levi, I’m a homosexual.”

Levi’s mind goes blank. He stares at Erwin, and sees he expects him to say something. Sees anticipation in his eyes.

“… A what?” He asks.

Erwin swallows again.

“A… a homosexual.” He repeats, and Levi shakes his head.

“I dunno what that is.”

Erwin stares back at him a long moment, Levi’s insides twisting all up, thinking he’s done something to anger his friend.

And then, suddenly, Erwin bursts into laughter, loud and booming, his head thrown back.

Levi startles, wide eyed as he looks up at him.

Why was he laughin’? Was he laughin’ at him? Did he say somethin’ stupid?

“Wh-what?” He asks. “Why’re ya laughin’?”

Erwin shakes his head, trying to reign his amusement in, it seems.

“Forgive me, Levi. I’m… I’m not laughing at anything you’ve said. It’s just… I was so nervous about… saying it out loud, only to find out… well, it doesn’t matter. You’ve shown me I have nothing to be nervous of.”

Levi frowns. He don’t know what Erwin’s even talking about. He wishes he would just tell him.

“Levi, I’m attracted to men.”

Levi doesn’t think.

He pushes himself up suddenly, out of the water, unheeding of the way it sloshes over the side of the tub and onto the floor, vaulting over the edge. He nearly slips as his feet hit the cold tile.

“Levi?”

He doesn’t stop. He feels Erwin make a grab for his wrist, and he pulls away, hard and fast. Erwin is talking. He’s saying something, his voice pitched frantic, almost fearful. But Levi can’t make out the words.

He’s barely aware of his unclothed state, barely thinks to grab up the clothes Erwin had brought.

He only thinks I need to get out. I need to get out of here, now, and doesn’t even know why.

“Levi, please wait!” Erwin calls behind him.

But Levi doesn’t. He runs.

He runs away from Erwin.

And he thinks, maybe this was all just some horrible joke.

He thinks, maybe Erwin’s been fucking with him this whole time.

He hears Erwin’s laughter, and that’s right. That’s right.

What the hell would a man like Erwin Smith want with a man like him anyway?

Oh, what a fool he’d been. What a damned fool.

Underground gutter trash. Stupid and crude and ignorant.

A man like Erwin would never want anything to do with a man like him.

That he ever thought so just proves what a worthless nothing he is.

Chapter Text

“Hange, I fucked up.” Erwin’s voice pitches toward something frantic, and he tells himself he needs to calm down. Needs to control himself. To contain himself. But his heart is kicking weirdly in his chest, a sick feeling in his guts, and some part of him knows… knows he’s erred horrifically. Erred in a way that might have damaged irreparably what he’s been building with Levi these last, long months.

His eyes burn at the memory of Levi’s flight from his quarters. The way he’d run away from Erwin in seeming terror.

Why the hell had he thought it a good idea, to reveal to him what he had? Why then, of all times!?

Levi was like a frightened and cornered animal. One wrong move, and it would send him flying or fighting.

He’d been in such a distressed state when he’d run into Erwin before, thinking he’d been poisoned. Truly believing it.

Erwin had felt such a profound sadness for Levi, when he’d seen the genuine fear in his eyes. The genuine lack of understanding.

There was so much about this world Levi didn’t know. Couldn’t possibly know, given the narrow and desperate world he’d grown up in.

And yet, in his foolish desire to make his own connection, Erwin had stupidly pushed himself onto the younger man. He’d thought… because of what Levi had said… because of how he’d reacted to the simple suggestion that he’d lain with another man… or was inclined in that way… he’d thought Levi would find some sort of solace, if he knew Erwin was the same.

And Erwin had little doubt now that he and Levi shared such inclinations. But he should have known, given Levi’s reactions, his aggressive denial, at first, and then his fear, that it wouldn’t be so easy as all that.

The world above was hostile to their sort.

Erwin can scarce imagine, then, what it would be like below to men of their persuasion.

He can scarce imagine what Levi might have gone through.

He’d scared him off, and given the way he was beginning to understand Levi’s mind worked, and the expectations he held, born, tragically, of experience, he feared what the little man might now be thinking.

Doubtless he’d think Erwin had been playing him a fool.

Their friendship was already so tentative. Already built on such unsteady ground.

Erwin thinks, if he’s ruined it… truly ruined it, he’ll never forgive himself.

“Alright Erwin. What did you do this time?” Hange smirks at him, leaning back in her seat, feet propped up on the table. She thinks this is another one of Erwin’s outsized reactions. Another doomsday response to a minor inconvenience. Admittedly, Erwin had a tendency to overreact to things, at times. Tended to blow things out of proportion and meet his perceived problem with too much force.

But he doesn’t think this is one of those times.

He thinks his feeling of dread is perfectly justified now.

“I told Levi…” he swallows, feeling his face warm, and Hange sits forward, taking her feet down, suddenly fully attentive.

Erwin knew that would get her attention. Levi had become as important to Hange as to him, after all.

“… You told Levi…?”

“I told him what I am. I mean… that I’m attracted to men.”

“Oh.” Hange blinks at him. “Oh!”

Erwin sighs, looking away.

“And?!” Hange presses.

Hange was the only other person who knew that Erwin was homosexual. The only person he’d ever told, other, now, than Levi.

She was also the only one to whom he’d confessed about his growing feelings for Levi.

“And he ran away.” Erwin confesses now, feeling his shoulders deflate. “He… he ran as if I’d stuck him with a hot brand. I thought…”

Hange is silent as he trails off, and he looks up at her, a plea for help.

Hange’s brows is furrowed. Confused.

“Well… I mean… it’s not because he’s prejudiced. Levi isn’t that sort of person.” She says suddenly. Matter of fact. “So what’d you do?”

“No… I don’t think that’s the reason either. Only… right before I told him, he’d had a terrible prank played on him by some of his bunk mates. Hange, he thought… they’d thrown itching powder on him, and he didn’t know what it was. He’d thought he’d been poisoned. So he was already in a state of heightened distress…”

Hange frowns at that, jaw tightening.

“and then… we’d had a conversation earlier. I asked him if he’d ever been with anyone, sexually or otherwise, and he essentially admitted to me that he hadn’t. He said no one had ever been interested in him.”

Hange scoffs.

“I find that hard to believe.”

“But I don’t think he has, Hange. I know you and I like to gossip about Levi’s attractiveness, but he’s so… I hate to use the word unworldly…. God knows he’s experienced things in his life we never have and never will. But there’s a quality of innocence to Levi. You have to admit it.”

Hange nods.

“… Yeah.”

“He became agitated when I pressed him on the issue, and then he insisted he’d never lain with a man, and made a half-hearted excuse to leave me. When I came across him later, after the incident with the itching powder, I told him he could use my quarters private bath to wash himself. When I came to bring him a fresh set of clothes, he started almost frantically imploring me not to throw him out of the Corps, promising that he wouldn’t make trouble and so forth. I’m almost certain he was referring to our earlier conversation. He thought I meant to discharge him from the Scouts and send him back Underground because of his sexual proclivity. It was more or less a confession from him.”

“Well, we kind of already knew.” Hange says.

“We suspected, yes. But he was fearful, Hange. I told him about myself because I thought it would be a comfort to him, and as a reassurance that of course he wouldn’t be thrown out of the Corps for something so benign. But he reacted badly. He ran out of my quarters without even dressing. I fear he believed I was playing him for a fool. And after what happened with the itching powder…”

He trails off, burying his face in his hands.

“Shit… that is bad. Did you try going after him?”

“Of course.” Erwin looks up again. “But you know how quick he is. By the time I’d shaken myself from my own stupor, he was nowhere in sight. I tried checking the barracks, but naturally he wasn’t there. I tried the stables as well. I don’t know where he’s gone. Off grounds, I suspect. I’m worried Hange. I fear I’ve ruined everything.”

“Don’t fret, Erwin.” Hange reaches out, putting her hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. “Look, we’ll find him. Let’s split up. Cover more ground that way. Okay? We’ll find him, make sure he’s alright, and if he’s gotten the wrong impression, we’ll set him straight. Yeah? We’ll fix this.”

Erwin smiles in relief at his friend’s support, reaching up to take her hand in his own.

“Thank you, Hange.”

//

The sun is starting to go down by the time he reaches the entrance in Sina.

He’d left without takin’ nothin’. No money, no paperwork. Didn’t even bother changin’ his clothes.

They hang off him. Sleeves too long, hanging over his hands. The pants keep slipping down his hips, threatening to fall. Keeps having to grab and hold ‘em up.

He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he must look ridiculous. He can’t bring himself to care.

There’s a guard manning the entrance to the Underground. But he’s there to keep people from leaving. He won’t care about nobody going down.

Levi stares, and can feel his breath quicken, heavy in his ears, heart rapid in his chest.

If he goes back down, there won’t be no gettin’ back to the surface. He didn’t bring no money, and even if he had, he didn’t have enough no how, what with the minimal wages they got paid in the SC. The price for passage up top was probably more now than it had been last time he had cause to check. Greedy fucks didn’t want no riffraff soiling up their capital. Made it hard as possible for anyone to escape the dark.

If he’d remembered to bring his papers, he coulda’ got back up that way, on account of him being military. But he hadn’t been thinking before he’d run. Didn’t take nothin’. Just knew he had to get away, and get away fast, before he ran into anyone. Before he had to face it.

He should just go. Just go back.

He didn’t belong here. Didn’t have no place.

He belonged down there. In the black filth. That’s where he belonged.

Erwin wasn’t his friend. He bet none of ‘em were. Why would they be? What cause would they have to want to be his friend?

Erwin wanted him for his strength. That was all. That was all the use he could have.

But then, maybe, that’s all he deserved. Maybe he was bein’ unfair, getting upset over it. Gettin' a swolled head, startin’ to think he was owed anything like friendship from these people.

It was a business transaction. Wasn’t it?

Levi gave his strength to their cause, and in exchange, he got to live in the sun.

Wasn’t like he made any real difference out there, anyway. Was it? Saved… saved a few people from getting’ eaten. Only they were like to get eaten on the next expedition, anyhow.

He should go back to the Underground. Could start over, down there.

His territory would’a been taken over by now. He’d have to find some place else. But he could. Wouldn’t even need no territory, really. That’d been… that’d been Furlan’s thing. Eking out territory to call their own. Levi’d gone along with it for Fur’s and Izzy’s sake. Was safer for ‘em, if it was known some place was under his protection. He wouldn’t need nothin’ like that for himself. Could just get by like he done before.

He thinks about the other soldiers, out there beyond the walls. Thinks about how quick they could die. Thinks about what will happen to them, if he goes back down, and isn’t there… isn’t there to help.

His throat closes up at the thought. A sick fear in his gut.

He doesn’t want them to die. Any of them.

Erwin could die too. And Hange. And Mike. Nanaba and Moblit. All the people who’d been… who’d been kind to him. Even if it was just an act. Even if…

They didn’t deserve to die. None of ‘em. Even the soldiers who hated him. They were all just kids.

Levi’s heart kicks harder, and his eyes burn.

He grits his teeth together, hands coming up to bury in his hair, tugging harshly at it.

What the hell was he supposed to do?

He didn’t belong here. There wasn’t no place.

But he couldn’t… couldn’t just leave them out there on their own. Couldn’t just leave ‘em to die. He couldn’t do that.

He doesn’t hear the carriage until it’s nearly on top of him, mind too confused. Only realizes it with the fall of shadow over him.

The cracking rumble of wooden wheels against cobblestone, and the frantic nay of the horse as he rears up. Levi falls backward into the dirt, at once on his ass, heart in his throat and eyes wide as he stares up at the kicking hooves. He thinks, for a moment, he’ll be crushed. And then the hateful scolding of a person’s voice.

“Get the fuck out of the way, you stupid brat!” The driver spits down at him. “The hell you doing, boy, standing there in the middle of the street!? Move! MOVE!”

Levi scrambles back to his feet. He turns and runs.

He doesn’t know where he’s going.

Doesn’t know what to do.

He doesn’t belong here.

He doesn’t belong anywhere.

//

Hange thinks it’s a lucky turn, finding Levi.

He’s in Sina.

She finds him, huddled on a bench stationed along a promenade.

He doesn’t realize Hange is there until she’s right in front of him, his face turned down and arms around himself.

Hange had mistaken him for a kid at first, in his oversized clothing and wilting form. She’d been about to move on from him before noticing at second glance the clothing was military.

“Levi.” She starts, and Levi jumps, flinching back hard at the sound of her voice.

He looks up, wide-eyed and startled.

Hange smiles at him, waving.

“Heya’, kiddo. Whatch’a doin’ out here all by your lonesome, huh?”

Levi swallows, arms coming tighter around himself.

“Hange…” he breathes. “how’d you find me?”

Hange shrugs.

“Took a wild guess.”

She sits down beside him on the bench and considers it a win that he doesn’t get up and run away.

“Erwin told me about what happened.”

Levi turns away from her. Hange takes note of the way his hands come together, squeezing too tight. He doesn’t say anything.

“Levi… look… I’m sorry. I know it must’ve seemed suspicious to you, the way he just out and… and confessed what he did. But he’s not screwing with you. I’ve known Erwin for a lotta’ years. I’ve known he was gay for almost that whole time.”

Levi’s body tenses, and for a moment, he begins to sputter.

“H-he’s not… I… I ain’t…”

“It’s alright. Levi,” Hange reaches out, taking hold of his wrist, and Levi settles, if only a little. “he told you because he trusted you to understand. And he told you because… he wanted you to understand that we aren’t… that nobody here is going to judge you, if… if you’re also the same. It’s alright if you are, Levi.”

Hange feels a tremor through Levi’s wrist, but he doesn’t say anything, eyes fixed ahead, frozen.

Hange chews at her lip.

She hopes she’s doing the right thing here. It’s impossible to know. Levi was so closed off. So easily discouraged, it seemed.

She guesses that’s what happens when nothing’s ever gone right in your life. When you’ve grown up without any real hope.

“Will you come back to HQ?” She asks after a while, when it becomes obvious Levi isn’t going to say anything. “Erwin and I both went out to look for you. He’s worried. He thinks he’s ruined your friendship.”

That finally gets a reaction out of the little guy.

“… He wants to be my friend?”

He sounds so surprised at that. So unsure. Hange feels her heart twist, and she forces the feeling from her face, laughing instead.

“Of course he does, silly! He’s incredibly fond of you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so taken with another person.”

Levi’s pale cheeks redden at that, and he looks away, beginning to fidget with the material of his pants.

“… I thought… when he started askin’ me ‘bout… ‘bout if I’d ever been with someone…”

He hesitates, fingers curling to fists.

“And then when he said… it ain’t… I ain’t against that sorta’ thing. I ain’t. I just… got scared, is all. I thought he was…”

“Thought he was fuckin’ with ya?” Hange offers, and laughs lightly when Levi nods.

“He probably thinks I’m some sorta’ bigot, now.” Levi sounds miserable.

“He doesn’t. Levi, he has more faith in you than that. Believe me. He’s just scared he’s screwed it up with you.”

“He ain’t… he… he couldn’t…” Levi stammers. “I’m the one that’s fucked up. I… I get too… too wrapped up in my skull. Get to thinkin’ shit…”

Hange laughs again.

“So does Erwin, Levi. Believe me. He gets so wrapped up in that head of his, I think he’s gonna’ float away some day. Compared to him and his daydreams, you’re rock solid.”

Levi just looks back at her, saying nothing. Only his expression is open. Pained and scared in a way Hange hasn’t ever seen. Erwin had told her about these moments, though. Moments of heartbreaking vulnerability. Levi was so guarded, most of the time. But around Erwin, that went away. She could see now what he meant.

Levi looked like a boy, then. He looked like a frightened child.

“Come on.” Hange loops her arm over Levi’s shoulder. “What do ya say we head back now?”

“… Alright.” Levi agrees after a moment.

Hange smiles.

“That’s the spirit!”

She stands, dragging Levi up off the bench with her.

She doesn’t ask him what he’d been doing in Sina. Hange thinks she knows.

She doesn’t know if she should tell Erwin about it. She thinks probably not.

Hange knows, if Levi ever went Underground again, they might not ever find him.

The thought frightens her. And it’s strange, that it should.

Levi could die out there, beyond the walls. Hange knows that. They might lose him to a titan, the same as they all might be lost, one day.

But something tells Hange that won’t happen.

Levi is so strong. So much stronger than the rest of them.

She can’t imagine it, she realizes. Him dying like that. If any of them makes it to the end, she thinks, it has to be him.

She doesn’t want to lose him any other way, either.

“Those clothes are too big for you, short-stack.” Hange laughs, noticing the way Levi has to hold the pants up around his waist.

“Yeah, I know.” Levi grumbles.

Hange watches as he wipes the back of his sleeve against his mouth. His eyes are rimmed red, but dry.

She only just realizes he isn’t wearing any shoes, his pale feet dirty and small.

He’d gone miles like that.

Something awful twists up in Hange’s chest at the sight, and she has to turn away an instant, eyes burning. She force the pain from her face before turning back, looping her arm back over his shoulders. He’s such a small man. It hurts something in Hange to think of it.

“Come on. We’ll take a carriage back.”

“… I didn’t bring no money.” Levi mumbles, quiet, almost inaudible. Like something shameful.

Hange bites the inside of her cheek ‘till she tastes blood, blinking rapidly against the burn in her eyes.

“It’s okay. It’s on me. My treat.”

Levi doesn’t say anything more, and Hange is grateful for that as she leads Levi back through the streets. Can barely bring herself to look at him now.

It was just… something in him.

She only had to look at him, and it broke her heart to pieces.

Chapter Text

Levi dreams at night of Mama.

He dreams of Furlan and Isabel.

He dreams of Erwin, and Hange, and Mike, even.

He dreams of them dead. All of them. He dreams of them bloody and torn apart and rotting and dead, and them asking him why, why, why he didn’t save them. Why he couldn’t.

He wakes flailing and violent, gasping for breath and skin heavy with sweat, eyes wide and unseeing, and for a moment, he doesn’t know where he is. He thinks… thinks… back Underground. Back there, in the dark, and he can’t… can’t remember.

“Fuck, him again?” He hears someone mutter.

“Fuckin’ freak midget.” Another voice, thick with sleep. “Always makin’ a fuckin’ racket. Someone shut him up.”

“What the hell’s wrong with him?”

Levi blinks, and the room comes into view, and he knows all at once that he’s in the barracks at SC headquarters. He’s above. He’s above now.

He looks around, and sees the other new recruits tossing and turning. Sees, in the gloom, some glaring back at him with venomous eyes.

Levi turns away and presses the back of his hand to his mouth. He’s shaking, he realizes, and squeezes his eyes shut.

All them… all them now… Erwin and Hange and even Mike…

He was seein’ ‘em like he saw Fur and Izzy and Mama… In his dreams. He was dreamin’ of ‘em, like Fur, and Izzy and Mama.

Seein’ ‘em dead.

He was seein’ ‘em dead.

He knows what that means. He knows.

He’d gotten to caring, now. He’d tried so hard not to, but he never could… never could stop it. Him and his shitty, soft heart. Kenny’d used to tell him straight, him and his shitty, soft heart.

“You keep on with that softness, boy, and it won’t ‘cause ya nothin’ but grief. Like to get ya killed, one ‘a these days. Ya hear?”

He tried so hard to do like Kenny said, but he never could… wasn’t never nothin’ but a failure, in that. Couldn’t ever help it.

Erwin and Hange and Mike, even…

They were like his friends, now. They were like…

They were. His friends.

And he was gonna’ lose ‘em. All of ‘em. ‘Cause he always lost everyone, eventually. He did. ‘Cause he couldn’t protect no one like he was supposed to.

Shit… shit, he’s gotta’… gotta’ get outta’ here. Gotta’ get outside and calm down. He can feel his heart kicking sick against his ribs, and he knows, if he stays here in this room with all these people, he’s like to lose it a little, and he couldn’t be around nobody when that happened.

So he pushes himself up from his bunk, and doesn’t say nothin’ to nobody as he makes his way out of the room, ignoring the grumbling and insults flung at him on his way out.

It was the middle of the night still. Couldn’t have slept more than a couple hours. But he knows he won’t be getting back to bed tonight. Knows he won’t.

Should have brought his gear with him, he thinks. ‘Least then, he could maybe run the courses, work out some of what he was feeling right now. He guesses he could always break into the armory and steal a set. But then, he’d get in trouble if anyone found out, sent up to the stocks, or put on stable duty, maybe. Maybe something worse. Wouldn’t mind stable duty, much. He liked the horses.

But then, he thinks, if he got in trouble, Erwin would be disappointed. He’d… he’d have to get him out of it, if it was bad enough, again. Like the last time. Like having to bust him out of the holding cells.

Levi wasn’t that stupid. He knew Erwin had put his reputation on the line to get him. To have him brought into the Corps. He knew that. And he knew if he couldn’t live up to expectations here, it was gonna’ be on Erwin more than anyone. He didn’t wanna’ cause no trouble for Erwin.

Erwin had been kind to him, when he didn’t have to be. Erwin was his friend. He wanted to spend time with him, and so did Hange. They both… wanted to be around him, like how Furlan and Isabel used to…

He thinks of his dream again, and that same sickness presses against the back of his throat.

He’s suddenly overcome with the urge to go and see them. One of them, at least. But it’s the middle of the night, and they’re both likely asleep, and he doesn’t want to bother them just ‘cause he couldn’t sleep himself.

Earlier, when Hange had brought him back to HQ, and he’d had to face Erwin, for a moment, Levi had been sure the older man would put his arms around him, the look on his face had been one of such relief. Almost pained. Levi had felt himself stiffen, watched as Erwin’s hands twitched at his sides, as if wanting to reach out, before he’d stilled himself, and simply smiled.

“I’m glad you’re back.” He’d said, and then put his hand on Levi’s shoulder, squeezing gently before letting go.

Levi had felt ashamed of himself. Embarrassed at his fearful reaction. He’d wanted to say something. Explain himself. But words had never worked for him.

He’d only been able to stare, dumb and silent, hating himself for his stupidity and cowardice.

He wanted… wanted to tell Erwin… wanted to explain… to make him understand.

But what could he make Erwin understand? Levi can’t even understand himself. Doesn’t know how to put to words what he’s feeling.

He’d seen expectation in Erwin’s eyes. A desire for something. But Levi hadn’t been able to give him anything. Just stood there, until at last Erwin had given up and excused himself, for more paperwork, he’d said.

Levi’s face heats now at the memory.

Hange said Erwin wanted to be his friend, but to hell if Levi knew why. Why, why, when Levi was like this?

Didn’t know words. Didn’t know how to read or write. Couldn’t explain nothin’. Couldn’t make himself move or think or be on the same level as Erwin. Erwin, who saw things Levi couldn’t even imagine. Erwin, who was better. He was better, and Levi thinks… he thinks he just doesn’t belong. Not with him.

But it hurt Erwin, didn’t it? Him running off like he had. He’d scared him. Worried him. Didn’t wanna’ worry Erwin. Didn’t wanna’ worry any of ‘em. Any of his friends.

Maybe, he thinks, maybe it would help, if he went to go see Erwin now. Erwin was usually up late anyway, wasn’t he? He slept near as little as Levi himself did. Maybe Erwin wouldn’t mind, if he came by to see him. Maybe it would even make Erwin happy.

Levi thinks he’s just making excuses for himself, probably. Just trying to come up with reasons to go see Erwin now, when he knows it’s probably too late in the evening.

Levi isn’t given to self-indulgence. You learned not to want for much, when you grew up with nothing…

… But maybe just this once wouldn’t hurt.

Just this once…

//

“Levi!”

Erwin can’t keep the surprise out of his voice.

He’d hoped, when he’d heard the knock at the door of his private quarters, that it might be Levi. Only he’d thought more likely it was Hange, come to talk his ear off about her latest experiment gone awry.

Levi won’t look him in the eye, now, staring passed him, into the room.

“… I can leave.” He says. The first thing he says. “I know I shouldn’t ‘a come. Just…”

“Not at all, Levi.” Erwin quickly interjects. “Please, come in.”

“Were you sleepin’?” Levi asks, finally glancing up at him.

“No.” Erwin shakes his head. “Up late, doing more paperwork, I’m afraid.”

Lev frowns, looking away again.

He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move except for his arms coming up around himself.

“Would you like to come in?” Erwin asks again, his heart beating strangely in his chest.

He thinks, if Levi should say no, he’ll be disappointed.

Levi shifts on his feet, face still turned away.

“… I don’t wanna’ impose or nothin’…”

“You wouldn’t be. I’m nearly finished, in fact. I’d like the company.”

Levi hesitates a moment more.

“… Okay,” he finally says, and Erwin exhales, unaware that he’d been holding his breath.

“Wonderful!” He exclaims, stepping aside to let the smaller man pass.

He watches Levi closely as he moves by him, notes the exhaustion, heavy under his eyes and in his slow gait.

“Were you unable to sleep?” He asks as he closes the door softly behind them.

Levi shrugs, moving toward the couch pushed up against the far wall, opposite Erwin’s desk.

“Can’t never sleep too good.” He says as he takes a seat.

Erwin looks at him a moment, observing the way Levi leans back against the cushions, head tipping back and eyes closed.

He looks like he could fall asleep there, just like that.

Selfishly, Erwin hopes he does not.

He wishes to speak to Levi. To make him understand.

Earlier, when Hange had, blessedly, brought him back to HQ, unharmed and calmed, save for the bruised and bloody state of his bare feet, Erwin had been so relieved, he’d nearly taken to tears. But Levi had seemed withdrawn still, mute with distant eyes as he’d stared up at Erwin, and Erwin had feared the younger man still angry with him.

He doesn’t seem angry now. But then, Levi was so difficult to read. So difficult to know.

“I’ll just be another fifteen minutes or so.” Erwin explains as he moves back toward his desk. “If you need anything, please let me know.”

“Mmm.” Levi hums, eyes still closed, head still tipped back.

Erwin stares at the line of his neck. The pale skin and smooth column of it. It wasn’t a delicate neck. Like all of Levi, it was thick and strong. Nothing fragile about this man, except, perhaps, his inner self.

Erwin thinks he would like to kiss Levi there. Along his neck. He thinks he would like to kiss Levi all over.

He thinks of Levi’s glistening skin in the hot, afternoon heat of a few weeks ago, when he’d shown Erwin and Hange his skill at jumping rope, and the memory has his mouth dry.

He pushes it away now, needing to focus.

But he finds, as the minutes wear on, that the task is increasingly difficult, his eyes and mind continuing to wander back to the man on his couch.

Levi is sleeping, he thinks, his position unchanged, only his breaths are deep and even now, his mouth slack.

Erwin stares hard at him again.

Levi has a beautiful face.

All the tension went from it when he slept. Maybe the only time it did so. He looked young anyway. But when he slept, he appeared little more than a boy. Fine, high cheekbones and full lips. A wonderfully straight nose and skin smooth and buoyant. Erwin had never seen Levi shave, and can scarce imagine him needing to.

The only tell, Erwin supposes, are the heavy bags beneath Levi’s tired eyes. The look of exhaustion in his gaze.

During his waking hours, Levi wore the hardness of his life.

What a fool he’d been, Erwin thinks, to push Levi the way he had today.

What business of his was it, what Levi’s proclivities were?

It was pure selfishness on his part. Letting his own desires get in the way of logic and decency.

If Levi wished to open up to him someday, Erwin would be a willing ear. He would feel honored at the trust shown. But he won’t push Levi again. He won’t make the same mistake twice.

He pushes himself from his chair and makes his way as quietly as he can across the floorboards, standing a short distance away and calling Levi’s name. He remembers the way he’d startled him in the bath earlier and doesn’t wish a repeat of it.

Levi wakes suddenly, eyes coming up, almost instantly alert.

He looks up at Erwin, blinking slowly at him.

“… I fell asleep.” He states after a moment.

Erwin nods, smiling lightly.

Levi sits up straighter, swallowing.

“I’m sorry. I should go.”

“No, it’s fine.” Erwin says. “Would you like the bed? You must be exhausted, after… well, after the day you’ve had.”

Levi’s eyes cut away from him then, his body going still, and Erwin worries he’s mis-stepped by mentioning it.

“… I’m sorry.” Levi says again, suddenly. “About before. ‘Bout… runnin’ away. You probably thought… and then I didn’t say nothin’ after…”

“Levi,” and Erwin smiles tightly, something uncomfortable in his chest. “you aren’t the one at fault here. I pried. I’m always prying. It’s… a fault of mine. Something I’m afraid I’ve never grown out of, despite many lessons in the subject.”

His father’s face flashes in his mind, and Erwin pushes it viciously from his thoughts, his jaw tightening. Shame threatens as heat against his face, and he prays Levi doesn’t notice.

If the younger man does, he doesn’t say anything, only looks away again, his face turned down, silent.

Erwin sees his hands tremble a moment, grasping together in what seems a painful attempt to still them.

“… I…” he starts then, voice low, almost a whisper. “… I’m… the same. I mean, I’m… l-like you. L-like how you said you was. B-before.”

Erwin blinks, and for a moment, he says nothing. Uncertain if he’s heard Levi correctly. Uncertain of his own understanding.

“… You mean…” he finally forces himself to ask. “you mean… you’re…”

Erwin finds he can’t bring himself to say it, too fearful, suddenly, that he’ll be wrong, and he’ll send Levi flying again.

“I’m queer.” Levi says. He says it, and he won’t look at Erwin, and he’s squeezing his hands together so tightly now, the color has drained from them completely. He’s hurting himself.

Erwin doesn’t think. He reaches out, taking hold of Levi’s hands, gently in his own, working his fingers between the gaps, prying them slowly apart.

Levi looks up at him, finally, and his eyes are glassy. Too bright. Erwin can feel the tremor in his hands, now. Can feel the way he trembles.

“Don’t hurt yourself, Levi.” He says softly. “Please.”

Levi’s throat works, his lips parting, as if meaning to speak. But nothing comes out.

He blinks, and Erwin watches the single tear track down his pale and rounded cheek.

“Oh, Levi…” he reaches out, brushing the tear away with his thumb, and Levi’s eyes fall closed, his face turning into Erwin’s open palm. “You’re okay.” Erwin tells him. “You’re safe with me.”

Levi’s own, small hand reaches up then, clasped round Erwin’s wrist, holding loosely around it.

He doesn’t say anything. But then, he doesn’t need to, Erwin thinks.

There was trust in this.

Whether earned or not. Whether deserving or not.

Levi was trusting him.

And Erwin swears to himself, then. He swears never to do anything to betray that trust. He swears, on the memory of his father.

He’ll never do anything to betray Levi’s trust.

Chapter Text

“I’ve got an idea,”

Erwin feels a familiar apprehension at the enthusiasm in Hange’s voice, looking up at her from where he’s been busy filling out request forms for more rations from the Capital.

She’s looking back at him, a lopsided grin on her face, eyes gleaming behind her glasses. Erwin puts his pen down and straightens.

“Should I be afraid?” He asks, only half-kidding.

Hange’s grin widens.

“I don’t think so. But then, I’m not the best judge of my own thoughts,” she laughs, and Erwin, despite himself, smiles with her.

Hange was one of his oldest friends. One of the few people he’d come up with in the Corps who he hadn’t also lost. She was only a few years younger, in the recruitment class directly a year behind his own, and one of the only other people he knew besides himself who’d chosen, despite her top marks in the training corps, to become a Scout instead of working in the interior as an MP. Over the years, they’d grown closer, and Hange, along with Mike, was one of only a handful of people he felt confident being himself with.

Erwin thinks he’s now able to add Levi to that short list.

That thought too makes him smile.

Levi was like a puzzle to him, in some ways. A still pond concealing hidden depths. The prospect of getting to know Levi better excited him in a way he couldn’t recall ever feeling about anyone else.

Much as spending time with Levi ignited a kind of passion in Erwin that he’d thought long since lost to him.

Being around Levi made him feel alive.

“So what is this idea, then?” Erwin asks, refocusing on his other friend.

“You said Levi likes games, right?” Hanges questions. “Like, kids games? Checkers and things like that?”

Erwin feels his brow furrow.

“Well, I don’t know if I would classify it as such. He certainly seems to enjoy some childlike pursuits. Like the jump rope.”

Hange nods.

“Exactly! You said yourself he’s like a little kid in some ways, and I agree. He’s really sweet, underneath that sourpuss face,” she laughs again, and Erwin huffs.

“Is this going anywhere, Hange?”

“Well I was thinking,” she starts again, face becoming more serious. “he’s still having so much trouble with some of the other new recruits. They’re still picking on him, even though it’s gotten to be less with you cracking down where you can. Still… I think a lot of it is just coming from the fact that a lot of these kids don’t understand or know anything about where Levi comes from. There’s a lot of prejudice against people from the Underground.”

Erwin nods, listening closely.

It remained a sore point for him, the realization that he’d dragged Levi up here to the surface without ever really considering the consequences for Levi himself. It hadn’t factored into his grand plans of recruiting such a powerful soldier to their ranks, that a boy from a deeply impoverished and disenfranchised part of their society might have trouble adjusting to a more normal social setting.

That was Erwin’s selfishness blinding him again. He feels a deep sense of self-disgust at the thought.

Levi deserved better.

“I feel like, if they got to know Levi better, if they could learn a little about him, maybe they would let up some on their bullying.”

Erwin nods again.

“That sounds plausible,” he agrees. “but how do you propose we go about such an endeavor? Levi isn’t exactly…” he hesitates, trying to find the right word. “socially well adjusted,” he finishes. “At least, not to this world.”

“I know,” Hange says. “he has a hard time talking to people. That’s also part of the problem. People think he’s unfriendly. He’s not, really. He just isn’t good with words. He doesn’t know how to regulate what he says.”

This was all true.

Levi was blunt, and often rude without intending to be. He didn’t seem to realize that most people didn’t often want to hear what you really thought of them. While Erwin found it refreshing, he understood why others found it off-putting and even hostile. They mistook Levi’s honesty for meanness.

He wasn’t mean, though. Levi was maybe the kindest person Erwin had ever met.

“Go on,” Erwin prompts.

“Well, how about we put on a game of Truth or Dare?”

Erwin blinks.

“… Truth or Dare,” He repeats.

Hange nods excitedly, back to smiling.

“Yes! Think of it, Erwin! It’s the perfect way for people to get to know the little guy better without him having to navigate all the usual bullshit of social interaction. Because it’s a question and answer format. People ask and he answers!”

Erwin chuckles a little uneasily.

“Well, certainly, in theory, it could work. It’s only…”

Hange’s lips purse, staring back at him.

Erwin rubs the back of his neck.

“Have you taken into account that some of the meaner recruits might take it as an opportunity to try and embarrass Levi? They might ask him really intrusive questions, or dare him to do something truly dangerous, even. And knowing Levi, he would take it as a challenge.”

Hange frowns, eyes narrowing as she thinks.

“I guess that’s a risk,” she mutters. “but, I mean… we would be there, along with Mike and Nanaba and some of the other vets, and we could make sure to keep it all on track. If anyone tries being mean, we could just shut them down. Or even eject them from the game. No bullying!”

Erwin huffs.

“You have more faith in our ability to control the recruits than I do,” he laughs. “but I do like the idea. I could run it by Levi, though I think he’s likely to give a flat no. He’s really quite shy.”

“I know,” Hange smiles fondly. “isn’t he adorable?”

Erwin laughs outright at that.

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” he says. “I won’t be held responsible for the consequences.”

“Of course not,” Hange laughs back. “but seriously, maybe we should try to be more subtle about it. You’re right, I don’t think Levi would probably agree if it was like a pre-planned deal. But maybe if we started an impromptu game and sort of roped him into it?”

Erwin bites his lip, uncertain.

“That might just make him angrier,” he says. “but, it might be worth a try? I don’t want to pressure him into anything. I already made that mistake once before, and he ran away. Remember?”

“I remember,” Hange smirks at him. “You may be a great military strategist Erwin, but you’re shit at romance.”

Erwin feigns shock, wadding up one of his request forms into a ball and chucking it at her head. Hange ducks out of the way, laughing.

“Says the mad scientist who makes a habit of blowing up the science wing!” Erwin accuses. “When’s the last time anyone wanted to go on a date with you, Hange? Considering the fact they’d be placing their life in your hands, I’d say it’s been a while.”

“Oh, you’d be surprised at how many suitors I attract, Erwin,” Hange counters. “besides, aren’t we all a little mad here in the Survey Corps?”

On that point, Erwin can’t contend.

And so they make their plan.

Erwin suggests during dinner in the canteen, tomorrow night. They’ll propose a game.

Maybe it will work. Maybe not.

//

He don’t know what they’re doing.

Erwin and Hange. Talkin’ about some game called Truth or Dare.

Hange had found him scrubbing the latrines outside, marching him back inside HQ and to the canteen. Levi had protested, saying he wasn’t hungry, trying to make her understand how filthy the latrines were. They were disgusting. But Hange didn’t understand much about that sort of thing, Levi had figured. She didn’t care. She always smelled awful.

So Levi had told her, if she wasn’t gonna’ let him finish cleaning the latrines, then she had to at least let him wash himself. He wasn’t gonna’ touch no food before that, and that she’d seem to accept.

So Levi had washed his hands and forearms ‘till the skin was red and raw, and let himself be dragged to dinner.

He’d felt happy at first when he’d seen Erwin there. Erwin so rarely ate with the other Scouts, usually taking his meals in his office. With Erwin there, at least, Levi wouldn’t have to worry much about the other recruits. They knew better than to act up around the Captain. Knew better than to get on his case with an officer present.

But then him and Hange started talking strange, halfway through their meal, talking about this game. The other Scouts seemed excited by it, and Levi had felt himself stiffen at that.

In his experience, it wasn’t usual a good thing, when people got to being excited.

He wants to go, but Hange tells him he can’t, and Erwin looks at him with hopeful eyes, and Levi doesn’t know how to say no. He doesn’t want to disappoint them. His friends.

Mike and Nanaba are here too, at least, so it ain’t all bad.

Hange tells him he don’t have to participate, but he gets the feeling they want him to.

He figures they planned it, then.

It’s a silly game. Everyone sitting in a circle, and you go around from person to person, asking truth or dare, and the person’s supposed to choose. And then you gotta’ either answer whatever question they ask, or do whatever they dare ya.

So far, everyone’s chosen truth, which Levi ain’t surprised at. People were always scared ‘a getting caught doing something they weren’t supposed to.

Way Levi figures it, though, it was worse tellin’ secrets about yourself that nobody was supposed to know.

Well, and despite himself, he finds it pretty interesting, and nobody’s been a bastard yet tonight, and so when it’s his turn and one of the other recruits looks at him with a question in his eyes, Levi shrugs and tells him shoot.

“Truth or dare?” The kid asks. Levi don’t know his name.

“Dare,” Levi says. He’s the first one to choose it, and a big ‘ohhh’ goes up around the circle.

Erwin smiles.

“Hmm, let me think…” the kid starts, eyes rolling up toward the ceiling. “I dare you… to an arm-wrestling contest with Zacharias!”

Another wave of ohh’s and ahh’s go up, and Levi pushes himself to his feet, turning toward Mike.

“Okay,”

Mike grins, pushing himself up too.

Everyone clears from the table, leaving just the two of them.

Levi sits down first, putting his elbow against the table's surface, waiting.

Mike was the arm-wrestling champion of the Survey Corps. Levi was undefeated in the Underground, but he’d thought before about what might happen if he challenged Mike, or if Mike challenged him. Being undefeated down below wasn’t so much of a feat, considering how everyone down there was half fuckin’ starved and sick in one way or another.

There wasn’t anything sick or starved about Mike.

Mike sits down across from him, mimicking his posture. He smiles at Levi.

“You sure about this, shorty?” He asks confidently.

Levi shrugs.

“Yeah, you’re sure,” Mike laughs lightly.

Erwin announces himself as the ref, coming to stand between them and going over the rules.

Levi keeps his eyes on Mike, assessing.

Mike is the biggest man Levi’s ever seen. Well, him and Shadis. Bigger than Kenny, even. He doesn’t want to think of Kenny now, though. When they grip hands, Mike’s swallows Levi’s all the way up, Levi’s fingers barely able to reach around the width of Mike’s palm.

He’s at a disadvantage with the length of Mike’s arms, too. He’ll have the momentum. Levi’s used to that, though. Almost everyone he’s ever arm-wrestled had longer arms than him.

But Mike is powerful.

Levi still remembers the first time they’d met. Met ain’t really the right word. Mike had burst through a wall and tackled him to the ground. Levi hadn’t even known he was there, and he still hasn’t figured out how that happened. A man Mike’s size shouldn’t have been able to sneak up on him like that. Levi remembers the brief moment of blind panic he’d felt at the strength of the man on top of him, before he’d come back to himself and forced Mike off of him. He remembers too the look of shock on Mike’s face as he’d jumped back to his feet, confused at how such a small man was able to overpower him so suddenly.

And he remembers the awful feeling of helplessness as Mike had pushed him face down into that puddle of sewage, and the sharper panic as Levi had realized he wasn’t able to get away. Mike was too strong at his back, and with his hands bound, Levi hadn’t been able to get any momentum.

He can beat Mike here, he thinks. But it won’t be so easy as he’s used to.

He feels the power in Mike’s grip now as their hands lock more firmly together.

“On my mark, gentlemen,” Erwin says beside them, and Levi huffs.

He wasn’t any kinda’ gentleman, but if Erwin wanted to play pretend, he wasn’t gonna’ say nothin’.

Erwin lifts his hand.

Levi keeps himself relaxed.

He figures Mike is going to try and take him by surprise and put him down fast.

He’s right. Erwin waves his hand down and Mike lays into Levi hard.

The group around them erupts into cheers and hollers as Mike manages to push Levi’s arm down a fraction toward the table before Levi locks up and holds their position.

Mike’s face is set, eyes focused on their interlocked hands. He’s pushing still, straining. He’s incredibly strong. Levi can feel it. Anyone else, and that initial burst would have won Mike the match already.

But if Levi knows one thing about himself, it’s that he’s strong too. Stronger than anyone he’s ever met, ‘cept maybe Kenny. Levi don’t know what would happen, between him and Kenny now.

Well, Kenny was probably dead. That’s how Levi figured it.

He holds his place a moment more, and then finally pushes back.

Mike resists with more force than any opponent Levi’s ever faced, and Levi admires him. But it’s only a moment before Levi starts forcing his arm back, and down.

The voices around them pitch louder. Levi can hear plenty of ‘em calling out encouragement to Mike. They want him to win. Levi understands. He wasn’t friends with nobody here. He’d probably be even less so after this.

“Son of a bitch…” Mike sputters, his face going red with effort, body leaning forward in an almost desperate attempt to regain leverage. Levi keeps his eyes locked forward, still as stone.

It’s only a few seconds more before he feels Mike give up the fight, and Levi presses the back of his hand down against the table’s surface.

The room goes silent.

Mike frowns as Levi lets him go and stands.

He shakes his head.

“You little twerp,” he laughs, standing as well. “the hell are you so strong? Look at that little body ‘a yours.”

Levi shrugs, looking away.

Truth is, he doesn’t know why he’s so strong. Wasn’t ever really any explanation for it. Levi ain’t that stupid. He knows, given his size, it don’t make no sense. But there it was anyway. Ever since that day, when Kenny left him, something had happened. Something changed. He just suddenly had this strength, suddenly knew what to do.

Kenny’d never said nothin’ to him about it, but Levi had recognized his new strength as something like Kenny’s. He got to figuring, then, that maybe Kenny and him were related, somehow. Got to thinking maybe Kenny was his daddy.

But Levi doesn’t like thinking on that too much. The thought of it somehow made him sick.

“Well,” Mike says, and suddenly he’s holding his hand out to Levi. “you beat me fair and square, short stack. Congratulations.”

Levi eyes the offered hand a moment, before reaching back and taking it.

“… You did better than anyone I ever arm-wrestled before,” he says. “I had to work to put you down.”

“High praise,” Mike laughs, and he puts his hand on Levi’s shoulder, squeezing. “everyone here better give this man his due,” he looks around at the other recruits.

And then suddenly everyone’s comin’ over and slapping Levi on the back and telling him congratulations, like he’s won some big prize or something.

Levi don’t know what to make of it.

He looks up and sees Erwin and Hange in the crowd, grinning at him. Something warm in his chest at that. At all of it.

And then they’re back to playing the game.

Levi ain’t so good at it. When it comes to his turn, he asks truth or dare of some young kid, just joined a month back. He can’t be older than 15. He hopes the kid will pick dare, cause Levi doesn’t want to know about him. He doesn’t, cause he knows the kid will die soon, and the thought of it makes him dizzy with fear and grief. If he finds out about him and his life, it’ll just be worse.

But the kid says truth, and then Levi can’t think of no questions to ask. He sits there awkwardly, trying to think, feeling everyone’s eyes on him.

“… Uhh… wh… where you from?” He forces out. “Wh-what town?”

He knows it’s a stupid question. Boring. Everyone here but him probably already knows the answer. But he couldn’t think of nothin’ else. His brain just froze up, like it always did when he had to talk to people.

The kid doesn’t seem too bent outta’ shape about it though.

“That’s easy,” he says. “I come from the Karanse District, east of Wall Rose.”

Levi blinks.

He doesn’t know what else to say, so he doesn’t say anything.

He feels out of place and stupid as they move on, his face warm with embarrassment over his own lack of imagination.

He wonders if Erwin is embarrassed by him. He hopes not.

Hange’s the only other person so far to choose dare, which don’t surprise Levi. Nanaba dares her to moon them all, and Levi looks away when she does without protest, disgusted and irritated.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t ever seen a woman’s backside before. The first few years of his life, he’d lived in a fuckin’ brothel, so he’d seen plenty. It was just… it was Hange. He didn’t wanna’ see Hange’s ass.

He finds out Erwin is from some small ass town near the northern outskirts of Wall Rose in the Utopia district. That he grew up on a Vinyard, and that his mother used to harvest the grapes into wine and sell it in town.

Levi feels a sense of shame that he’d never thought to ask Erwin any of this stuff before. He’s always been worried, in the back of his mind, or saying or doing something to piss his friend off, or embarrass him, so he’s always just kept his mouth shut unless spoken to first.

He tells himself he’s gonna’ make it a point to ask Erwin more questions from now on.

Eventually it comes back around to Levi again, and again he chooses dare.

The kid asking him grins.

“I dare you to answer any question I ask,” he says.

Levi frowns, a sick feeling in his gut.

“… That’s cheatin’,” he says.

“Nah, ah,” the kid answers. “it’s within the rules. You chose dare, so that’s my dare. You gotta’ answer any question I ask.”

Levi’s eyes cut for a moment to Erwin, who smiles sympathetically at him, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to play if you don’t want, Levi,” he says.

Levi scowls.

He ain’t no pansy. He may be a fag, but he ain’t a bitch. And anyway, everyone’d been pretty nice, so far.

“What?” He asks, turning back to the kid.

The kid smiles again.

“Is there anything you experienced for the first time, coming to the surface? I mean, anything you didn’t have down there, in the Underground?”

Levi wants to get up and leave.

This was exactly what he didn’t want. He didn’t want to talk about this. Not with these people. He hadn’t even really talked about this stuff with Erwin or Hange.

But he knows it would be weird, if he just got up and left. He knows that much. You weren’t… weren’t supposed to just leave in the middle ‘a talking to someone.

So he sits there like an idiot for too long, not saying nothin’.

Everyone’s looking at him, waiting, expecting. Even Erwin and Hange and Mike, they’re all lookin’ at him.

Levi swallows, licks his lips.

“… Meat,” he says softly. He don’t know what else to say.

Nobody seems satisfied with his answer, though. They’re all staring, waiting.

“There ain’t no meat Underground. Or eggs. I mean, some people eat rats, when there ain’t nothin’ else… so… but I never could… even when I was starvin’…”

Levi keeps his eyes fixed on his hands as he says it. The room’s gone quiet, and when he looks up again, everyone staring at him still, their eyes wide with something like shock.

There’s a curdling in his insides, and Levi looks away again.

Did he say something wrong?

He didn’t like to think about this stuff. Even less talking about it.

He remembers winters, after Kenny had left him, before he met Fur and Izzy, when he got to being so hungry, he was certain he’d die from it. Remembers eating anything he could find, rotten cabbage and bread hard enough to break your teeth on. He’d go days and days without nothin’ at all, and he’d see the rats scurrying around, but he couldn’t ever bring himself to go after ‘em. Rats had diseases. Rats were filthy. He thought… thought he’d starve first, before ever eatin’ something like that.

Anyway, he didn’t want to kill animals if he had any choice. He saw Kenny kill a dog once. Levi remembers he hadn’t been able to sleep for days after that. He’d cried, and Kenny had beat him for it.

He’d only tried meat once up top. He didn’t like the idea of it anyway. Eating the flesh of another living creature. Something wrong about that. That feeling in him only came stronger, after seeing Titans at work.

Nobody’s saying anything, still, and Levi shifts, uncomfortable, wishing he hadn’t said nothin’.

He can feel the change in the air after that. The game doesn’t last much longer. Nobody felt too into anymore.

He’s freaked ‘em all out, he knows, with his fucked up life. He shoulda’ just said something like trees. He ain’t never seen a tree before coming up top. Ain’t never seen a lot of things.

Like clouds. Never seen a cloud before. Didn’t even know that’s where rain came from.

He couldn’a said anything but what he did.

But instead he messed the whole thing up like always.

Nobody wanted to know about that shit. Nobody wanted to hear it.

He can’t even blame ‘em.

He don’t want to hear it either.

Chapter Text

They’re going out on expedition soon.

Levi feels the fear in his guts as the day grows closer.

He wishes he could tell everyone that this wasn’t necessary. That it was crazy, really. Throwing themselves into danger like this. Throwing their lives away.

He doesn’t want anyone to die.

But Erwin tells him they aren’t throwing their lives away. That they’re fighting for something bigger than all of them. Levi believes him, even if he don’t know what that thing is.

Freedom, Erwin says, but Levi don’t understand the meaning of that, either.

He thought, coming to the surface, that was freedom. That’s what he’d believed, back then, when he’d never even really seen the sun. Never breathed air that wasn’t clogged with ash and filth.

But there was freedom beyond that. Freedom was something bigger. That’s what Erwin says, and Levi believes him.

He don’t know, still, if it’s worth anybody’s life.

He tells Erwin so, a day before they’re meant to ride out.

He feels foolish doing so.

Erwin must think he’s small-minded. Well, ‘cause he is, compared to Erwin, anyway. And Hange. And most people. He didn’t know from nothin’.

But Erwin don’t treat him as such. Erwin tells him he understands. He tells him that’s why he brought him to the surface. Because by being here, he says, Levi bettered all their chances of survival.

Levi don’t know. He tries to help, but he can’t be all places all at once, even though he tries. Seemed to him he wasn’t enough to help anyone, most days. Up here, seemed to him people died just as easy and just as pointless as down below. Erwin says, if they can win humanity its freedom, then that’ll make it so the lives lost won’t be in vain, and Levi wants that. He wants that to be possible. Never made sense to him, how easy people died. Their lives should matter. Their lives did matter. Didn’t ever make no sense to him, then. So he liked that, that kinda’ idea. Giving people’s deaths meaning, somehow…

It don’t really answer him, though, ‘bout whether or not all this was worth it. But Erwin knew better than him, and Levi trusted him. He did. Trusted him more than his own self.

At least, on the day they ride out, it’s clear and bright, not a cloud in the sky.

Levi wants to ride on the outer perimeters of their unit, since it’s there people are most vulnerable to attack, but Erwin insists he stay in the center, where he’ll be able to give Levi direct orders and deploy him with better accuracy.

Levi don’t like it, but he trusts Erwin, and he figures, at least by his side, he’ll be able to look after him directly, too.

They’re meant to establish an outpost further out from Wall Maria, some 30 miles from the gate, Erwin says.

That’s a long way, and the expedition is meant to last at least two weeks as a result. They’re carrying building supplies in the wagons at the center of the formation, which are supposed to be a priority.

Levi don’t like that, neither. How can some wood and rope and nails be more important than the lives of the Scouts? But Erwin tells him that it’s important to humanity’s victory, to get this outpost built, and that’s why.

Levi doesn’t feel sure of a lot of things. But Erwin’s a better man than him, a superior man, and Levi trusts his judgment.

So he sticks to his orders and stays at the center, by Erwin’s side.

Hange’s squad is out nearer the exterior ranks, which makes Levi nervous. She’s out there with Mike’s squad, too.

They’re both good fighters. Strong and capable. They’d lasted this long without Levi ever being there, he tells himself.

Still, as they ride out into open fields, he finds himself continually distracted, trying to see through the thicket of sprinting horses and bodies all around him, trying to see if he can find them.

They’re his friends, and he’s scared.

The pound of hooves and deafening clank of wooden wheels against hard-packed earth fills his ears.

He looks to Erwin, riding ahead of him, determined and focused, unbothered by the same fear and worry that tugs at Levi’s concentration.

He knows he can’t afford to be distracted out here. Being distracted could get you killed. It was the same in the Underground.

But Erwin is a superior man. He doesn’t allow himself weakness like that.

They’ve been riding a good two hours without being attacked, at least.

Levi’s eyes drift up to the expanse of blue above them. The endless sky.

He can’t ever get used to it. Can’t ever believe he once thought the world was so small.

He’s startled by the sound of a flare being shot, followed by another, and then another. He looks up to spot, maybe 800 meters away, a group of six titans, most of them five-meter class. There’s one ten-meter and one fifteen, though.

“Keep together!” Erwin shouts from the front.

He turns, looking back over his shoulder at Levi like he knows what he’s thinking.

Levi frowns back, eyes shifting back to the Titans.

They’re breaking apart, going in different directions, some coming toward their group, most going off toward the exterior ranks.

Levi’s insides tighten with dread and he grits his teeth, hands squeezing over the reigns.

People were going to die. People were going to die in the worst way, torn apart and eaten, and Levi was just supposed to sit here and let it happen, because the wagons and building supplies were the priority.

Erwin begins to split off as the outer ranks spread out, expecting the center to follow suit.

He expects Levi at his side, to stick close at his flank. That was the plan. He said he needed Levi with him to protect the wagons.

But four of the six titans are stumbling madly toward the exterior, and people are going to die.

Levi doesn’t think.

He tugs his reigns right, willing his horse in the opposite direction from the group, breaking off from Erwin’s flank and cutting up the center, heading straight for the two titans barreling their way.

“LEVI!” He hears Erwin scream, but he ignores him, spurring his horse faster, until he’s only 20 meters out from the giants.

He kicks up in his saddle, standing in the stirrups and hoisting himself up onto his feet, drawing his handles from their holsters. He jams them down on the blades at his hips, hooking them in and drawing them out.

He hears Erwin scream his name again, but he doesn’t listen, launching his left anchor at the titan closest to him, a ten-meter class.

The hook embeds in its right shoulder and Levi feels the familiar and violent tug as his body is torn forward, away from his horse.

And then he’s flying.

He launches his right anchor as he comes around the titan’s broadside, hooking dead center between the blades of its shoulders. He doesn’t give it time to react to him, retracting his left anchor and slicing through the nape of its neck as he falls, using the momentum to cut deep.

He’s launching toward the other titan, a five-meter, before the ten-meter even hits the ground, killing it just as quickly.

He hits the dirt running, then. He needs to get back to his horse and make for the exterior, fast.

The four other titans are nearly to them, and Levi knows he won’t be able to reach them in time to save everyone, but he has to try.

“Levi! For god’s sake!” Erwin bellows, pulling up beside him on his horse. “Get back in formation! That’s an order!”

Levi doesn’t bother answering. He can feel the titan’s blood steaming off his clothes and skin. It’s disgusting and he grits his teeth against the iron-heavy smell of it as he mounts his horse.

“Levi, don’t you da…” Erwin starts, but Levi is already spurring his horse away, toward the outer ranks and at a full gallop.

He’ll be punished, he knows. Probably a week cleaning out horse shit from the stalls or whatever. It doesn’t matter. This matters.

He can hear Erwin galloping after him, and he doesn’t understand. He needs Erwin to stay back. He was just going to get in the way and make this harder for him. He should stay with the group.

“Levi, turn around, RIGHT NOW!”

He keeps his eyes fixed forward.

The titans have reached the exterior now, and he can already hear people screaming, can see one of the soldiers snatched up from his horse and bitten in half.

His jaw locks, eyes burning, and he digs his heels into his steed's sides, whipping the reigns and pulling ahead of Erwin.

“You’re way out of line, Private!” Erwin yells, and keeps following.

“Go the hell back, Erwin!” Levi shouts at him over his shoulder. “I can’t just let ‘em die!”

“Yes, you can! That’s the price we pay! You’re endangering this entire operation!”

“The fuck I am, Erwin!” Levi snarls. “Hange and Mike are out there! You want ‘em to die!?”

“No! Of course not! But Hange and Mike can handle themselves! You’re disobeying a direct order from your commanding officer. If you don’t turn your horse around right now and head back to the formation, then…”

“Hiya!” Levi snaps the reigns again, urging his horse faster, Erwin’s voice lost to the wind.

He wants Erwin to drop back. To head back to the group. He was distracting Levi. He was going to get in the way.

The Titans have taken out half a dozen soldiers by the time Levi reaches the outer flanks, and he pushes the sight of their dismembered bodies, the sight of their half-eaten guts strewn across blood-soaked grass from his mind as he launches from his horse.

He sees Mike and his squad from his peripheral, taking out one of the five-meters.

Levi’s focus is on the fifteen-meter, swatting its arms clumsily down, taking out another three soldiers, knocking them to the ground, the horses scattering, crying in terror. The titan has one of the Scouts in its hand, bringing the screaming woman toward its mouth.

Rage erupts in Levi’s heart, and he’s airborne again, flying with speed toward the giant, a howl ripping from his throat.

He tears through its neck, severing its head entirely from its shoulders.

The body begins to fall, taking the woman with it, and Levi spins in the air, firing an anchor into the Titan’s now sagging right arm.

He manages to reach her before she’s crushed beneath the weight of the falling body, looping an arm around her waist and tearing her free from the slack grip of the giant. He pulls her against his body, shielding her head with his hand as they hit the ground, rolling for several feet, until they come to a stop.

She’s crying, sobbing against his chest, but Levi doesn’t have time to comfort her.

He pushes her off him, checking her over quickly to make sure she’s alright. There’s a gash along her left brow, and her face is caked in dirt, but other than that, she seems fine.

He recognizes her. She’s one of the newer recruits, only arriving a couple of weeks before he had, from what he understood. She was one of the group that had been harassing him up until recently, making a habit of throwing food at him in the mess hall, laughing with her friends about it when Levi didn’t react.

It doesn’t matter. She was alive.

He stands, and turns, eyes scanning for the other two Titans.

He spots Erwin, coming to a hard halt on his horse, the stallion rearing up with the suddenness of the stop.

He jumps from the saddle, landing only feet away, expression furious.

Levi frowns, looking away.

He don’t got time for this. Don’t got time for Erwin’s disappointment. The other Titans were still a threat. People were still in danger.

“Levi, you damned fool, if you don’t get back up on that horse right this instant and ride back with me, I’ll be forced to temporarily relieve you of your duty! Do you understand me!?”

He spots one of the remaining two Titans, stumbling around a few hundred yards South, swatting at the Scouts trying to take it down.

He doesn’t hesitate, starting in a sprint toward the chaos, leaving Erwin behind, his angry voice shrinking behind him.

It’s only the work of a few moments for Levi to take this second one down.

He spots the final one after that, and sees it’s Hange and her squad finishing it off.

He feels his shoulders sag in relief, the tension in his frame finally sapping.

The world seems to come back into focus, then.

There’s the sound of people crying, still, the awful sounds of people groaning, people injured, people dying, fatally wounded in some way. People Levi wasn’t able to save.

He looks around him. There’s already some of their medical personnel attending to the wounded, but most of them are lost causes.

Levi knows what it looks like when someone’s dying. He’s been around it all his life.

Finally he hears the heavy breaths of Erwin’s approaching figure, and he turns, seeing the larger man looming over him, face a scowl of displeasure.

“Levi, you are hereby relieved of duty until this expedition's conclusion,” he snaps. “that means you aren’t allowed to engage in any activity, including the killing of Titans, until our next expedition. Is that clear?”

Levi glares at him, disbelieving.

“You ain’t serious,” he says. “I ain’t gonna’ just sit by while people get fuckin’ eaten!”

“Yes, you will! That’s an order! Do you realize how seriously you’ve endangered this entire mission!?”

His voice is rising, getting louder and angrier. People are beginning to stop and stare as he’s chewed out.

Levi crosses his arms over his chest, staring back at him, his own fury building.

“I wasn’t gonna’ just let all these people die…” he starts, but Erwin cuts him off angrily.

He jabs his finger into Levi’s chest.

“It isn’t your job to rescue every Scout that’s in danger, Levi! Your job was to protect the wagons, and you abandoned them!”

“The fuck I did, Erwin! I took down the two Titans headed our way! I killed ‘em!”

“YOU STILL ABANDONED YOUR POST!” Erwin roars, his voice loud enough now to make Levi flinch back. “DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND BASIC CHAIN OF COMMAND!?”

Levi looks away finally, digging the toe of his boot into the dirt.

Something ugly twists in his chest. Somethin’ like hurt. His eyes burn and he frowns against it.

“… I understand,” he mutters.

“I don’t think you do, Levi,” Erwin says, and he really is angry, Levi thinks. He’s never… never been this angry at him before, he realizes, and that ugly feeling gets worse.

He feels small, suddenly, under Erwin’s gaze. Feels the weight of his own inadequacy.

He don’t know what to say, and so he doesn’t say anything, just standing there as Erwin spits at him.

He wonders, suddenly, horribly, if he’s ruined it between them, somehow. If he’s finally made Erwin hate him.

“Aw, give him a break, Erwin,”

Hange’s voice suddenly rings out, and she’s there then, coming up behind Erwin.

“He just saved all our asses, Captain,”

For a moment, Erwin looks like he’s gonna’ argue, his body tense like a coiled spring, mouth opening, face lined in anger still.

But just as suddenly, all the anger seems to drain out of him, his body sagging.

He reaches up, squeezing at the bridge of his nose, sighing deeply.

Levi feels his own body loosen in sudden relief.

He didn’t want Erwin angry at him. He… he didn’t know if he could take it, if he was.

“Alright,” Erwin finally says, his hand falling away from his face.

He looks at Levi, shaking his head.

“I won’t suspend you from duty, Levi. Not while we’re out in the field, anyway. But,” he points down at him. “I don’t want you disobeying my orders again! I don’t care what happens. I’m your commanding officer, and you are obligated to do as I say. Understood?”

“… Yeah,” Levi mumbles.

“What was that?”

“I said yeah,” Levi looks up at him, frowning.

“Good,” Erwin says, and his expression has softened, now.

He reaches out, laying a hand on Levi’s shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to yell at you like that, in front of everyone. You just scared me,”

Levi’s frown deepens, not understanding.

“Why?” He asks.

Erwin’s mouth comes open to answer, but he never gets the words out.

“ABNORMAL!” Someone screams.

And then all hell breaks loose.

Levi sees it break from the tree line, its arms spinning in wild, meaningless directions, its expression crazed, bulging eyes rolling in its massive head.

The soldiers scatter, screams erupting as they attempt to remount their horses.

Levi turns, eyes back on Erwin and Hange.

“ON YOUR HORSES!” He shouts. “NOW!”

Erwin stands frozen a moment, staring at the giant.

Its thundering steps shake the ground, booming in Levi’s ears, and he lunges forward, shoving Erwin.

“GO!” He screams at him, and finally Erwin seems to come back to himself, turning and making for his horse. Hange has already started for hers, and Levi sees Mike and their squads mounting quickly.

His own horse is farther away, but it doesn’t matter. He’s going to kill this thing. He doesn’t need his horse to do it.

“Levi!” Erwin shouts, turning his horse, looking back at him, but Levi is already gone, turning to face the abnormal.

It’s coming straight for him, and Levi drops his used blades, pressing fresh ones into his handles.

He watches the way it moves, erratic and unpredictable; like they always are. But not totally. It keeps making a similar move, ducking its shoulder down left as it runs, leaving its neck exposed, open to attack.

That’s where he’ll aim, Levi thinks. He’ll tear into its neck before it ever reaches the line, bring it down there and slice through its nape.

He readies himself, calculating the angle he’ll have to come in to avoid its flailing arms. It’s near, only maybe thirty meters from him.

He hears the pound of horses' hooves, Scouts scattering, making a break for it.

Good, he thinks. He wants them away. He wants them safe.

Only over the crash of the Titan’s steps, he hears a horse approaching, not fading into the distance. And then he hears his name shouted, and it’s Erwin’s voice, desperate and frantic.

Levi’s heart sinks into his stomach.

He turns, and sees Erwin riding toward him, screaming his name, waving an arm as if to beckon him.

No, Levi thinks. Get away, you idiot!

He turns to look back at the Titan.

It’s eyes have shifted to Erwin, and suddenly it’s switching direction, its attention pulled from Levi to the Captain.

“NO!” Levi shouts.

The thing is fast. Faster than Levi can run. It barrels straight past him, it’s right side guarded by its flailing arm, leaving him without an opening.

It makes a beeline for Erwin, and a shock of fear goes through Levi’s heart.

No, he won’t let it. He won’t lose another friend.

It’s gaining distance on Levi, only meters away from Erwin now, who’s finally stopped short, pulling back on his horse's reigns. The animal rears up, spooked by the approaching giant, throwing Erwin from its back.

Erwin hits the ground, unmoving, the horse turning and running as the Titan bears down.

Panic explodes in Levi’s chest.

He doesn’t think.

He launches a hook, anchoring straight into the Titan’s back, and is pulled off his feet in an instant, into the air.

The Titan is only feet from Erwin’s unmoving form. There won’t be time to kill the thing.

Levi lets himself be dragged forward, reeling his line in as he goes, catching up in moments to the Titan, and then flying past as he hooks around it, eyes locked on Erwin. He hears the giant roar in his ears, like its angry. Feels its hot breath against his back.

He undoes his anchor from its back, and falls in a roll against the hard earth. He doesn’t give himself a moment to consider the Titan, nearly on top of him now. He rolls to his feet, covering the short distance left between him and Erwin. He drops the handles of his gear as he reaches him, gets his arms underneath him and lifts him up.

There’s no time for anything else.

He throws Erwin’s body as far as he’s able, out of the line of the Titan’s attack, some ten feet away.

All he feels in warning then is the hot, rancid stench of its breath, overwhelming as it presses down on him.

And then the world goes black.

//

“LEVI!”

Erwin hears Hange scream.

He thinks it’s Hange.

His head spins, the world turning in dizzying circles as he sits up, his body alight with drowning pain. He feels like he’s been slammed against stone, onto his back. He reaches up in a daze, feeling the back of his head, expecting to feel blood. But when he pulls his hand away, his fingers are dry, only soiled with earth.

What the hell happened?

“LEVI, OH GOD, GOD!” He hears Hange scream again, and finally some clarity begins to seep back into his thoughts.

Levi…

That was right.

Levi had gone to face the abnormal alone. He’d waited until all of them had mounted their horses and begun to away. He’d stayed behind, facing the beast down on his own.

Erwin remembers the panic in his heart at the realization. Remembers refusing to accept it.

He’d gone after him, intending to pull him onto his own horse. He couldn’t leave Levi alone out there. He couldn’t…

But what had happened?

He remembers the Titan shifting direction, away from Levi and toward him. He’d thought ‘good’. He’d meant to draw it from Levi. To lead it away.

And then he remembers his horse spooking, rearing up, and the sickening flip of his own stomach, before the world had gone suddenly black.

He doesn’t remember anything after that.

He looks around now.

The abnormal is still there, seemingly having lost interest in him. It sits there, a sick grin of satisfaction on its face.

He hears the pound of horses hooves, growing louder in his ears. And then its on him, and blowing past, and it’s Hange atop the stallion, and she’s screaming. She’s screaming bloody murder.

What had happened? What was going on?

“LEVI!” She keeps crying, voice broken apart by tears.

She stops maybe a hundred yards from the abnormal. It ignores her, too.

And suddenly Erwin understands. Suddenly, like a vicious blow to his gut, he understands, and he can’t breathe.

No, he thinks.

No, no, no, no…

It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t.

Not Levi. This couldn’t happen to Levi.

Only Hange is jumping from her saddle then, and she’s turned, her face a mask of rage as she locks eyes with Erwin. And then she’s coming at him, running at him. And then her hands are on him, burying in the collar of his shirt, tearing him up from the ground.

“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” She screams in his face. Her eyes are bloodshot with tears, coursing down her cheeks, voice a fury of pain. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT!? WHY DID YOU GO AFTER HIM!?”

Erwin blinks, hanging helplessly from her hold.

He can’t speak.

He doesn’t know what he would say, even if he could.

“HE’S DEAD! THAT FUCKING THING ATE HIM!” She screams again, and Erwin’s throat closes, a horrible denial in his brain.

He shakes his head.

“… No,” he finally manages.

Hange shakes him violently.

“You piece of shit! I saw it! I saw it eat him!” She cries. “It f-fucking ate him whole! Because… because he had to save YOU!”

Erwin reaches up, his hands grasping around Hange’s wrists.

His eyes burn viciously.

“No,” he says again. “that can’t be,”

Finally she drops him, turning away.

He sees her bury her face in her hands, shoulders trembling with barely suppressed sobs.

“Hange…”

“He’s dead,” she cries, voice suddenly drained of all anger. “oh God, he’s dead…”

Erwin shakes his head. He pushes himself to his feet, knees weak beneath him, a wave of dizziness threatening to put him back down.

He can’t believe that. It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t.

Levi couldn’t be killed.

Not by a Titan.

“… He can’t be,” he whispers.

Hange turns then, her face once again filled with rage.

“I SAW IT!” She screams. “I SAW IT WITH MY OWN DAMNED EYES, ERWIN!”

He knows that’s true. He knows Hange wouldn’t lie about something like that.

But Levi can’t be dead.

He can’t be.

There just wasn’t any way.

He was meant to outlive them all.

His eyes shift away from Hange, back to the Titan.

It seems totally unaware of them, still sitting there, staring blankly into space.

The landscape has grown eerily silent, and Erwin realizes with a start that they’re alone.

The rest of the Scouts had left.

Levi couldn’t be dead.

“Did you see it bite him in half?” He hears himself ask, voice distant, like it doesn’t even belong to him.

“… What?” Hange asks behind him.

He hadn’t realized he’d begun to walk toward the giant, staring fixedly at it.

“Did you see it bite Levi in half?” He hears himself ask again.

The Titan shifts, its grinning mouth doing something strange, twisting into almost a grimace.

“… What?” Hange asks again. “No, I just saw… it ate him. It’s mouth came down over him and he was just… he was gone,” her voice cracks apart, thick with tears.

The Titan stands, but Erwin feels no fear. For whatever reason. He feels no fear. There’s something wrong with it, he thinks. He feels certain. Something was wrong.

He watches its face, the grimace turning to naked pain.

And then its eyes are going big, wide with what Erwin can only describe as panic.

The thing begins to run. It begins to run from them, in the opposite direction. A blind, mad dash, as if it’s trying to get away from something.

And Erwin feels certain, then.

Levi isn’t dead.

The Titan screams, a bellowing, horrified sound that cracks the air.

And Erwin watches, amazed, but hardly shocked, as abruptly, there’s a spurt of blood from the Titans side, and then the sight of a blade, slicing through the thick, pink skin, out through where its lower intestine might be, if Titans had them.

It’s Levi, Erwin knows.

It’s Levi.

He shouts, and begins to run.

“LEVI!” He cries.

He hears Hange at his back, running with him.

The Titan roars as the blade slices deeper through its flesh, and then a wave of blood sloughs from its rending side, and with it, a body comes spilling out, falling into the blood and dirt beneath.

It’s Levi.

He’s covered in gore, and barely recognizable, but Erwin knows. It’s him.

“LEVI!” Hange screams.

Hope explodes in Erwin’s chest, and he breaks into a sprint.

Levi isn’t moving, he realizes as the seconds tick by. He lies there in a puddle of filth and viscera, steam billowing of off him, and Erwin thinks he’s unconscious. He can’t be dead. He wouldn’t have had the strength to do what he’s just done if he was dead, or close to dying. He can’t be.

The titan begins to list, its insides still spilling out, and Erwin realizes with horror what’s about to happen.

It’s falling. It’s dying.

It’s going to crush Levi.

He runs.

He runs faster than he’s ever run in his life.

“Erwin, oh my God!” Hange cries behind him, and he doesn’t need her to say anything else.

He reaches Levi just as the giant comes crashing down, grabbing his arms and dragging him out from under the falling mass.

Only he isn’t fast enough.

Levi’s leg gets crushed beneath the massive body.

It’s enough to startle him out of unconsciousness.

He screams, the sound dying quickly in his throat, face twisting in agony beneath the thick mask of red.

“NO!” Erwin shouts.

He wasn’t fast enough. He wasn’t fast enough!

“Erwin, for fucks sake!” Hange finally reaches them. “We have to do something!”

“I know!” Erwin snaps. “His leg is caught!”

The Titan is dead, he thinks.

It lies there, unmoving, not breathing.

“F-fuck!” Levi stammers beneath him.

Erwin can’t help it. He laughs. A short bark from behind his teeth.

“You’re alive,” he says, astonished, jubilant. “Levi,”

“He won’t be alive for much longer if we can’t get him out from under this damned thing,” Hange hisses. “Erwin, help me. We… we need to cut him out,”

“F-fuck, this is dd… disgusting,” Levi mutters.

He sounds out of it. Sounds like he isn’t sure where he is or what’s happening.

They could worry about that later. Right now, Hange is right. They needed to get Levi out. Before any other Titans showed up.

Somehow, they manage it.

Hange holds onto Levi’s hands while Erwin uses his swords to slice away at the flesh around him.

It stinks unbearably, and he finds himself holding his breath as he works, his hands growing slippery with the blood covering them.

Levi keeps complaining about the smell and the gore, but at least he’s talking. At least he’s cognizant.

He isn’t complaining about any pain, which has Erwin worried.

Finally, he’s sliced away enough meat for Hange to drag Levi free.

Erwin sees it as she does, his stomach dropping out from under him.

Levi’s leg is broken.

A compound fracture. The bone sticks out grotesquely from torn apart flesh, starkly white amidst all the blood, and Erwin can’t be sure where the Titan’s blood ends and Levi’s begins.

“… Is is b-bad?” Levi asks, breathing heavily as Hange lays his head in her lap.

Erwin’s face goes grim.

“… Yes,” He answers. No point in lying. Levi wouldn’t appreciate that. “It’s a compound fracture. We need to get you treated as soon as possible,”

“C-compond… like, when the bone breaks through the s-skin?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, Short stack,” Hange says. She cards her fingers through his hair, now more damp with sweat than blood as it continues to steam off him. “But it’ll be okay. We’ll get you help,”

Her eyes shift up to Erwin, and he sees the fear there.

What help?

Their squads were long gone. Erwin had little idea of what direction they might have gone in, whether Shadis will have called the expedition off, or if they’ll have proceeded to their checkpoint.

Either way, they were miles from the wall, and miles from their planned outpost, and all they had was a single horse.

Suddenly the air splits with the sound of a Titan’s roar. It sounds maybe a couple miles away.

Dread closes Erwin’s throat.

“We’ve got to get out of here,” Hange says, and Erwin nods.

Yes, they do.

Chapter Text

Time shifts like sunlight through shutters, moments of bright, white consciousness and fading black.

Levi doesn’t know where he is.

He remembers a stench like death, all around him, choking his throat, and a heat like the mining furnaces Underground, so oppressive, he’d thought to tear his own skin from his bones.

Had he been there again? Working those mines? Had he…?

But no, he doesn’t think so.

It had been something else. Something worse, even.

Blood and bones and guts around him, up to his shoulders in a soup of viscera, struggling desperately to keep his face above it, to breathe…

Remembers thinking, I have to get out of here, a roaring, frantic need.

He doesn’t remember…

In the moments he’s awake, his world is nothing but pain.

Underneath it, there’s some distant sensation of swaying movement, a sick swooping through his guts, before the pain puts him back under into blessed dark.

He thinks, at moments, he hears voices above and below him. Voices he recognizes.

Erwin, he thinks. And Hange.

He doesn’t know where he is. Doesn’t know what’s happening.

He stares dazedly above, and like the passage of time, sees the bleed of light through shaded treetops, splashes of bright white and soft black.

He wonders if he’s dead.

It feels like he’s floating.

Maybe floating up outta’ himself.

Mama used to talk about things like that. How when you died, it was just your body that did, and whatever made you, that part of yourself you couldn’t see or touch or feel, that part floated away, up outta’ you and into the sky.

Levi remembers asking how they were gonna’ float away to the sky when there wasn’t no sky Underground.

He can’t remember what Mama had answered.

He remembers the fear, though, when she’d lain dead and rotting in their single room, and knowing there wasn’t no place for Mama to float away to.

She’d be trapped there, in that stinking, rotted place forever.

He remembers thinking that with awful dread.

He hopes, if he is dead, or dying, or whatever, that if he floats up to the sky, Mama’ll somehow be there.

He hopes…

He thinks, though, if he’s dead, it wouldn’t hurt this much.

“Levi… Levi, stay with me, little guy,” he hears above him.

The voice is frantic, rushing.

Hange, he thinks again, and from somewhere more distant, a deeper, calmer voice.

“How is he?”

“Bad, Erwin. His leg is fucked…”

Are they talking about him?

It doesn’t matter, he guesses.

He was probably dying, and that was alright. He wasn’t scared of death.

“Just keep him steady,” Erwin again, “Don’t let him fall,”

Levi’s eyes are heavy. He wants to shut them and drift away.

And so he does.

He thinks, Mama, I hope I see you soon, before the world vanishes from around him.

//

Erwin shades his eyes, squinting into the horizon.

It’s midday.

Almost seven hours more of sunlight.

They won’t be able to move until dark.

Levi’s developed a fever, falling in and out of consciousness. It’s a relief when he’s unconscious, he delirious muttering when awake setting Erwin’s heart to breaking.

He speaks constantly of his mother.

“Mama,” he keeps saying, over and over, “Mama, I’m comin’… I miss you, Mama…”

Muttered words, also, of his lost friends.

Furlan and Isabel.

Levi promises them too that he’ll find them. That he’s coming.

Guilt chokes Erwin’s throat at that.

Levi will die if they can’t get him help soon.

But they’re trapped.

They’d barely made it up into the canopy here.

And without Levi’s strength, they were sitting ducks out in the open. They couldn’t risk making for the wall as they were during the day.

He and Hange had known that too well.

They had one horse, and Erwin had carried Levi with him, Hange at his side as they’d made for the forest.

Levi had been awake through that, and Erwin had held his small head close, Levi screaming into his chest with the way the uneven movement of the horse jarred at his shattered leg.

They hadn’t made it before a Titan had found them. A ten meter.

Without any trees or buildings around, they’d been in trouble, and Erwin had thought the worst.

Hange had yelled at him to go with Levi, to protect him. Had told Erwin she would handle the Titan. But Erwin had sat frozen, unable to abandon one of his oldest friends.

And then he’d felt Levi push away from him, and before he could react, Levi had shot his hook into the Titan’s shoulder and pulled himself clear of the horse.

Erwin had only been able to scream Levi’s name, watching in helpless horror as he’d flown through the air toward the waiting jaws of the giant, his broken leg trailing grotesquely behind him.

Erwin had felt certain, for those long, horrible seconds, that he was going to watch Levi die. The same as he’d watched him die earlier, when he’d been eaten whole, and again, Erwin had sat helpless, only able to witness the demise of a man he now realized, with sinking despair, he had begun to love.

Only, again, Levi had defied all odds.

He’d sliced the Titan’s nape, clean and sure as if he hadn’t been injured at all, and for an instant, it was as if Levi could truly fly. Like he was something beyond human, captured there with the burning sun at his back, the blue expanse of the sky framing his magnificent silhouette.

And then he’d dropped like a stone, crashing to the earth in a broken heap, even as the titan crashed beside him, dead and disintegrating.

Erwin had finally moved, then, spurring his horse forward as Hange had screamed Levi’s name.

“You crazy little bastard!” Hange had cried as Erwin had dismounted, dropping to his knees at Levi’s side and gathering him into his arms. “What the hell was that!? You aren’t supposed to be able to do that!”

Levi had barely been able to speak, eyes shifting up, past the two of them, staring blearily into the sky.

“C… couldn’t let it… y-you two…” he’d gasped, face thick with sweat, “you two c-couldn’t,”

Erwin had told him to stop speaking, then, gathering him back up into his arms and onto the horse.

His leg, thank God, hadn’t seemed any worse, though the fall to the ground certainly hadn’t helped anything.

Erwin hadn’t known what they would do if they encountered another Titan before reaching the tree line.

Whatever power might have been out there, governing the universe, though, it had finally seen fit to show them some mercy, as they’d managed to find the trees before another Titan found them.

He and Hange had hastily cobbled together a pully system using their gear, and had, by some miracle, managed to get Levi and themselves hoisted up into the canopy, only minutes before a horde of Titans had come bursting through the underbrush.

They were surrounded now by, at last count, ten Titans, most five-meter class, a couple of tens and one fifteen. No abnormals, that Erwin could see, at least.

Still, their position was precarious, to say the least.

Their horse was still below, ignored and safe.

Hange tends to Levi, pressing a wet cloth to his forehead, trying to keep his temperature down.

She’s been using her own water skein for it, but between them, their supplies were already dwindling.

She’d managed to make a rudimentary splint for Levi’s leg out of some tree branches she’d hacked away with her swords, ruining the blades in the process.

Erwin had held Levi’s hand as Hange had done what she could to set the fractured bone, and Levi had nearly broken Erwin’s hand in his crushing grip, his scream splitting the air, even through the piece of bark they’d forced between his teeth.

“Is his fever any better?” Erwin asks now, standing to stretch his cramping back and legs.

He already knows the answer.

Levi had long since sweated through his clothes, and Hange had removed his shirt, crusted and ruined anyway with filth from his being eaten by a Titan. Erwin can see the way the sweat now glistens off Levi’s exposed torso, his hair soaked through, matted to his head. His chest rises and falls in a shallow, rapid pattern.

And suddenly, Erwin thinks, he looks small.

He looks so small.

Like a child being tended.

He can scarce believe this is the same man that had, only a few hours before, taken out, single handed, six Titans, one abnormal. That this is the same man that survived being eaten by that same abnormal. The only man Erwin had ever seen survive something like that.

He couldn’t die, Erwin tells himself desperately, even as he knows that isn’t true. Even as he knows, no matter how miraculous Levi was, no matter how strong, even he couldn’t survive if his fever raged truly out of control. If he lost much more blood.

“He needs medical attention that I can’t give him out here,” Hange answers, “I can’t get his fever to go down just by pressing a wet cloth to his face,”

Erwin’s lips purse, hands curling to fists at his sides.

There’s no use in pretending. No use in hiding from this.

“How long do you think he has?”

Hange laughs, the sound derisive and bitter.

“Who knows,” she says, “I didn’t think anyone could survive getting eaten by a Titan either, but here we are. If he was a normal man, I’d say a couple hours, tops. But this is Levi we’re talking about. Maybe he’ll pull through,”

Erwin’s nails dig into his palms.

That wasn’t good enough for him.

They needed to get back to the walls, get Levi proper medical care.

Waiting until dark to move seemed to all but seal Levi’s death warrant, but what other choice did they have?

He slumps back down beside Levi and Hange, reaching out and taking Levi’s hand again. His skin burns against Erwin’s own.

“… E-Erwin,” Levi’s voice floats up to him in a cracked whisper, and Erwin can’t keep the shock from his face as he looks and finds Levi’s eyes on him, glassy and dazed. But there’s recognition there, Erwin can see it, and he finds himself leaning closer, a shock of hope in his chest.

“Yes, Levi… I’m here. I’m right here. What is it?”

Levi blinks up at him, breath shuttering from his lungs.

“W… was I… was I inside a Titan?” He asks.

Erwin can’t help the burst of laughter that pushes past his teeth, nodding his head and blinking against the sting of his eyes.

“Yes. Yes, you were,” he tells Levi, “that damned thing… it actually ate you. But you tore it open from the inside out. You should have seen the shocked look on its face, Levi. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Titan look scared before,”

He laughs again, and Levi’s eyes drift closed.

“… I t-tore it open,” he repeats softly, “… was g-gonna’ eat you, Erwin,” he whispers, “… was gonna’…”

Erwin reaches out, resting his hand against Levi’s forehead, brushing his hair back off his face.

“Thanks to you, I wasn’t,” he whispers back, “you saved me, Levi. You saved my life,”

And Levi nods, the movement barely perceptible.

“… ‘m glad,” he says.

And then he says no more, drifting again into unconsciousness.

Erwin looks away, biting the inside of his cheek, throat tight.

His eyes burn, and he reaches up, wiping at them uselessly.

Levi couldn’t die.

Erwin wouldn’t let him.

He wouldn’t let Levi give his life for his own.

//

At last, the sun begins to set, and Levi is still alive, though his fever is now raging, his bouts of delirium near constant.

He’s suffering horribly, and Erwin can hardly stand it, can do nothing but hold tight Levi’s hand and tell him again and again, useless, that it would be okay.

He has no idea if it will be.

Levi doesn’t even seem to hear him, lost in some memory of his life before, muttering weakly about Fur and Izzy, about his mother, about someone named Kenny…

The Titans below them have begun to slow, and Erwin knows that, soon, they’ll be immobile and inactive.

That’s when he and Hange will make their move.

By their estimates, they’re maybe three and a half to four hours ride from the wall. Closer to four, Erwin thinks, with only one horse and the need for the animal to carry at least two. Though Levi is light, and with them dropping his gear, maybe it would help decrease the time.

Either way, they won’t be able to get Levi proper medical care until nearly one in the morning.

It’s been almost eight hours since he’s broken his leg.

“Look, they’re starting to go still,” Hange whispers to him, and Erwin indeed can see the forms of the Titans beginning to still, dropping to the forest floor, motionless like stones.

Hange looks at him.

“We should go now,” she says, and Erwin nods.

The process of getting Levi down is painfully slow.

Erwin sits above, lowering him and Hange to the ground, his heart like thunder in his chest, an irrational dread in his brain. He keeps imagining the Titans below suddenly coming back to life. Pictures one of them taking up Levi and Hange in its giant hand and crushing them between its teeth.

But the Titans remain motionless, and Erwin feels his body sag with relief as Levi and Hange are, at last, safe on the ground.

Hange doesn’t wait for him to join them before she begins prepping the saddle on their horse, getting Levi bundled in a warm blanket from one of the bags.

The night air was cooler now than it had been earlier. Nothing dreadful, but with Levi’s fever, they didn’t want to make it any worse.

Up in the trees, they’d had him wrapped in Erwin’s cape.

Erwin keeps his footfalls quiet as he’s able as he joins them below, a wary eye on the motionless giants resting nearby.

“Is he alright?” He whispers in the dark, and even through it, he can see Hange’s grim expression.

“I don’t know. All we can do is pray he hangs on long enough to make it back to the walls,”

Erwin nods, feeling useless.

This was all his fault

If he just hadn’t gone after Levi before, if he hadn’t gotten in his way…

But there was no use in regretting it now.

That wouldn’t help Levi.

And so he does the only thing he can, lifting Levi into his arms as Hange mounts the horse, lifting him up to her once she’s secured.

Levi moans softly in his hold, his head twisting back and forth, breaths shallow in his chest. Erwin can feel him trembling through the blanket.

“I know,” Erwin says to him, voice low, “we’re going home, Levi,”

Hange grits her teeth as she takes him from Erwin’s arms, pulling him against her, an arm wrapped tight round his waist.

Levi’s head slumps forward, limp and shivering and unaware.

Erwin looks up at the ¾ moon, grateful for the light it provides. He doesn’t know what they’d do if the landscape before them was pitch black.

He takes the horse's reins in his hand, and once he gets confirmation from Hange that they’re secure, he begins to lead them from the forest, out into open fields, his pulse a constant thrum in his ears.

He prays silently that there are no Titans out there defying their nightly paralysis.

He prays they make it back in time to save Levi’s life.

//

“Aren’t you excited, big bro!?”Isabel flops down beside him on the couch, practically bouncing where she sits.

Levi’s used to it. Used to her energy.

Izzy thinks he’s annoyed by it, but he’s not. He loves her. She’s a light in this dark place. A joy.

Everyone here had given up on living, but not Izzy. Not Fur, either. They both still believed in somethin’ better.

“Excited ‘bout what?” He asks her now, working the edge of his blade against the stone, sharpening it to a lethal point.

“‘Bout Fur’s plan! We’re gonna’ get outta’ here! We’re gonna’ live on the surface!”

Levi frowns down at his work.

He don’t got the heart to tell her otherwise. To tell her what he really thinks of Fur’s plan.

It was reckless and stupid and like to get them into a world of trouble they could do without.

He’d tried tellin’ Fur so. Tried tellin’ him he didn’t like it. Didn’t want nothin’ to do with the Military Police or the Scouts or any of them people. They had a good thing goin’, down here. They were secure. They could make do.

But Fur was dead-set on his belief that they could have somethin’ more. Somethin’ better. He’d dreamed of livin’ on the surface long as Levi’d known him, and Levi didn’t have no heart, neither, to tell him no.

All he could hope, he guesses, is that this noble pigs claim, ‘bout some man from the Survey Corps lookin’ to pinch ‘em, was a load of shit, and that no soldiers came lookin’ for ‘em at all.

That’s what Levi hopes, even as he knows how it’ll crush Fur and Izzy’s hopes in turn.

He’s scared, if he’s bein’ honest with himself.

He’s scared what’ll happen, if the pigs come lookin’ for ‘em.

He don’t know what it is they want. What it is they got planned, if they do.

The MP’s chased ‘em around half-hearted, sometimes, but they never really gave too much effort. Too hard, tryin’ to keep up, and didn’t none of ‘em care enough to make a serious attempt.

But the Scouts… the Survey Corps…

Those fuckers were a different breed, Levi knows. They were made from sterner stuff than the MP’s.

Levi also thinks most of ‘em were half-crazed.

You’d have to be, to voluntarily go out there and fight Titans, the way he knows they did.

Levi hadn’t never seen no Titan.

He hopes he don’t ever have to.

Well, maybe Lovof was full of piss, and wouldn’t no man from the Scouts come lookin’. Levi prays.

“Big broooo,” Isabel takes hold of his arm, shaking at him.

“Quit that,” Levi pulls away from her, “I’m holdin’ a knife, you twerp. You want me to slip and cut you?”

“Pff, you don’t slip, big bro,” Isabel beams at him and Levi rolls his eyes. “Hey, answer the question!”

Levi sighs, finally lookin’ away from his work and to the girl beside him.

She was his little sister, just like Fur was his big brother.

He doesn’t want to do nothin’ to put either of them at risk.

He don’t like this plan. He don’t want nothin’ to do with it.

But it’s what they wanted. They wanted it so desperate, he could see fillin’ their eyes more and more each day. The hope of a better life.

Levi couldn’t give ‘em what they wanted down here.

It was all he could do to keep ‘em scrapin’ by. Keep ‘em safe in this hellhole.

It wasn’t really livin’, he knows. Just existin’.

He wants somethin’ better for ‘em, too.

But he don’t think this is the way to that.

He don’t want nothin’ to do with them crazy-ass Scouts. This man, whoever he was, Levi didn’t want no part of him.

“I guess,” he mutters, voice flat.

Izzy smacks his arm, and then complains, shakin’ her hand out.

“Oww, big bro! Why the fuck’s your body so hard!?”

Levi shrugs, and Izzy sighs.

“You don’t sound excited,” she pouts, and Levi looks away.

“… It’s dangerous,” he says softly, “gettin’ mixed up with these type ‘a folks,”

“HA! They ain’t nothin’, big bro! We can handle those pigs!”

Levi frowns.

“The Scouts is different,” he tells her seriously, “I don’t like the idea ‘a gettin’ mixed in with crazy fucks like them. Can’t predict what they’ll do,”

Isabel waves a hand, dismissive and unbothered.

“You’re the strongest though, big bro! It don’t matter what they do. They ain’t no match!”

Levi sighs, reaching out and shovin’ her back.

“Hey!” She cries, “What was that for!?”

“For bein’ a brat,” Levi says, “this ain’t no game, Izzy,”

Isabel pouts again, crossing her arms. She looks genuinely put out, and Levi feels his heart sink.

Damned ass, he thinks to himself, and reaches out, ruffling her hair.

“I just don’t want you two bein’ put in no danger,” Levi tells her softly, “okay? That’s all. Just don’t want you two gettin’ hurt,”

“Aww, you don’t gotta’ worry ‘bout us, big bro!” Izzy smiles wide at him. “Me and Fur can take care ‘a ourselves!”

Levi looks down, heart heavy.

He knows they can. He trusts ‘em. Would trust ‘em in a heartbeat with his own life. But he also knows they’re his responsibility. Knows it’s his job to protect ‘em where he can.

“I know,” he says quietly, “but it’s my job to look after ya. You understand, Izzy? Your my family,”

Isabel don’t say nothin’ to that. Only throws herself at him, then, her arms around his waist.

Levi freezes a moment, and then relaxes, his arms around her shoulders, pullin’ her tight to his side.

She buries her face against his shoulder.

“I love you too, big bro,” she whispers.

Levi’s eyes burn, and he wishes he knew how to say it back.

Instead he bends, and presses a kiss to her crown, hoping still she understands. Hoping the meaning is there for her, even as the words aren’t.

He’ll do all he can for them.

He’ll give his life, if he has to.

Give them all of what he has.

//

“… I’ll k-keep… keep you safe, Izzy. You and F-Fur, I’ll…”

Hange frowns, glancing down at Levi in her arms, still limp and burning hot. He’s been mumbling to himself since they’d left the forest, small body trembling against her.

They’ve been riding an hour.

Looming in the distance, the walls have finally come into view, a monolithic black mass, still miles away.

Every sound from around them makes Hange jump, a kind of paranoia she isn’t used to.

Usually, the sight of Titans excites her.

Now she dreads the thought of one coming into view. Dreads encountering any that may not be stilled by the cover of dark.

Levi would die if they couldn’t make it back as quickly as possible.

He may die anyway, given the severity of the break.

Infection had already begun to set in. Hange knew the signs. The skin round where Levi’s bone had pushed so hideously through having long since grown red with irritation and burning hot to the touch, a white puss beginning to lead from the bloody wound.

She’d done what she could to clean it. Had pushed the bone back into place and held the whole thing together with a splint made from torn cloth and tree branches. But it wasn’t nearly enough.

If she’d had her first-aid kit with her, she could have done more. Could have sterilized the wound, actually stitched it closed. But she’d lost the damned thing in all the chaos of before, and now…

Now, Levi might die.

The thought leaves her feeling sick with grief.

Levi was her friend.

In recent months, even, she’d come to think of him as one of her very best.

She loves the little guy. She really does. He was… he was such a good person, despite his grouchy attitude. His heart was so big.

She’d never seen anyone who cared more. Never seen anyone so affected by the loss of others, even people he didn’t really know. Even people who’d been less than kind to him.

He tried so hard to keep all of them safe, all the time.

She guesses that’s what she was hearing from Levi now, in his delirium.

He was talking about his friends. The two he’d come up from the Underground with.

Hange had barely gotten to know them. Had only spoken to them the once, before…

She doesn’t like to think about it.

Whenever she did, all she could think, all she could see, was Levi’s devastation afterward. The way he’d walked around for weeks like a living corpse, hardly speaking a word to anyone, hardly eating, hardly sleeping.

It wasn’t until she and Erwin had really started to engage him that he’d finally begun to come out of his shell, somewhat, though even still, she sees the despair in him from time to time.

Those days when he’ll grow mute and distant. Those days when he’ll disappear entirely, hidden away someplace where he can’t be found.

Those days, Hange worries.

She knows Erwin does, too. That Erwin’s feelings ran deeper, even, than simple friendship.

He loves Levi.

Loves him in a way she’s never seen Erwin love anyone.

She doesn’t want to think what it will do to him, if Levi doesn’t make it.

But she can’t think this way, she tells herself. She has to stay positive.

Levi had made it this far, beyond any reason. He’d been eaten by a Titan and had cut his way out of it from the inside.

He wasn’t a normal man.

If anyone could survive this, it was going to be him.

//

Two hours into their journey back toward the wall, and the worst happens.

A Titan, an abnormal, it has to be, breaks from the surrounding high grass, very much awake and thirsting after human blood.

It’s a five-meter class, from what Hange can tell, lopping toward them at an alarmingly quick rate, and for a moment, she feels herself freeze, mind ticking over, shuffling through solutions and coming up with none.

They had one horse, and one set of working ODM gear that Erwin was wearing, a single set of blades left.

Levi sits, still delirious with fever, in front of her in the saddle, mumbling to himself, unaware of the approaching danger.

“Hange, get him the hell out of here!” Erwin screams at her from below, and this wasn’t happening.

It’s like some parallel nightmare to before, to earlier, when they’d been ambushed on their way to the tree line, and Hange had said near the same thing to Erwin.

She didn’t want to abandon him, the same as he’d refused to abandon her, but Levi… she had to think about Levi…

Neither of them had ever taken down an abnormal on their own.

“I’ll t… take care… Iz… Izzy,” Levi mutters, and when Hange glances at him, she sees his head lifted, his face turned in the direction of the coming Titan. “I’ll kill it,” he says.

“Levi,” Hange starts, heart like thunder against her ribs.

She needs to decide, and decide now. Take Levi and run, leave Erwin on his own, out here in an open field with nothing, no high point from which to escape the giant, from which to approach it, or stay and risk Levi’s life unnecessarily.

She thinks Erwin is going to die, either way, the thought leaving her sick with grief.

She can’t… she can’t just leave him…

“GO HANGE!” Erwin cries again, “THAT’S AN ORDER!”

And then he’s running, head-first toward the approaching Titan, blades already drawn.

Hange watches, wide-eyed and frozen, mouth dry with fear as the Titan zeros in on him, pivoting suddenly in Erwin’s direction to meet him. She can’t take her eyes away, an engulfing horror in her heart as the distance narrows between them and the beast.

And then she feels the shift against her, and Levi’s muttering, quiet voice.

It takes her a horrifyingly long moment to realize he’s pushed himself away from her and out of the saddle. Takes her mind a moment to accept what it is she’s seeing.

Levi’s dropped to the ground below, hobbling forward, toward Erwin and the Titan.

“Fur… I’ll take… I’ll take it…” he’s saying, “Get away, I’ll take it!”

“LEVI!” Hange screams, just as the Titan reaches Erwin.

Erwin tries shooting his hook into its left shoulder, but the thing moves too erratically, dodging the attempt. And then it’s reaching for Erwin, clawed fingers outstretched. Erwin attempts to escape out of the way, ducking and rolling against the ground, but the thing follows him with terrifying persistence, and in a moment, it has him, giant hand closing around him, lifting him up into the air like nothing.

Hange cries out, a numbing agony in her brain. She sees Erwin hacking at its wrist with his blades. Sees how it does nothing.

“FURLAN!” Levi screams, and he’s running, then, somehow, impossibly. He’s running, his broken leg dragging behind him, straight into the horror before them.

Hange is going to watch them both die, she realizes.

Her two, closest friends.

She’s going to watch them both die right in front of her, and there’s nothing she can do to stop it.

She tries anyway, kicks her horse forward when it’s already too late.

The Titan is lifting Erwin toward its mouth, and Levi is there, right there at its feet.

Even if she had her own gear, Hange knows, it would be too late.

What happens next, she won’t be able to wrap her head around until much later, when all this is long over, and they’re once more safe behind the walls.

Levi has his hands on the Titan’s foot. Has his fingers dug into its flesh. Hange thinks he’ll be crushed. Thinks the giant will rear up and come crashing down and smash the rest of Levi along with his shattered leg.

But instead, the Titan freezes, its mouth twisting into what seems a pained grimace, its mouth falling open to bellow an agonized roar.

And then it tries to lift its leg, to pull it back from Levi’s grip, but it can’t. It fucking can’t!

Levi holds it. He holds the Titan there. He’s… he’s keeping it from moving, Hange realizes in dazed disbelief. He’s… he’s fucking overpowering the thing!

The Titan screams again, and Hange can see the blood beginning to leak out from where Levi’s fingers have dug deep into the giant’s flesh, oozing in a thick rush around the pale smallness of Levi’s hands.

How was this happening? How was this even possible.

“Let him go, you fuck! YOU FUCK!” Levi screams, voice echoing through the open plain, and the Titan roars in desperate agony.

Hange watches in utter disbelief as Levi pulls back, fingers like metal hooks in the beast’s flesh, refusing to let go.

And then there’s the horrible sound, of tearing flesh and sinew and bone.

The Titan’s leg coms off.

Levi tears it off.

He tears it fucking off with his bare hands.

Hange thinks she screams, but she doesn’t know. She isn’t sure of anything.

Blood comes pouring free like a waterfall, rushing down onto Levi’s head, but he hardly seems to notice.

His eyes flash, jumping clear as the Titan comes crashing down, its hand still gripped round Erwin.

Hange sees his face a moment, pale with terror and disbelief.

And then the Titan screams again, an almost fearful cry, and Hange sees Levi’s climbed up onto it. Onto its back. He flies across it, seemingly oblivious to his wrecked leg. Flies to its shoulder, and he’s got his hands dug in again, fingers buried in the joint connecting shoulder to arm. And again, he begins to tear, pulling up and back, and once more, that horrible sound of rending flesh and bone and muscle, splitting the air, the sound of Levi’s own, furious scream underneath it all.

It's like some surreal dream. Some impossible nightmare.

Levi tears the Titan’s arm clean off, like a bear might rip a man limb from limb. The hand holding Erwin spasms and releases as it's disconnected from the Titan’s body, and Hange sees Erwin drop to the ground, his chest heaving and eyes like saucers as he turns and watches in paralyzed awe at what’s happening before him.

Levi’s moved on, now. Moved to the Titan’s neck, and again, he’s dug his hands in, into its nape.

The Titan tries uselessly to swat him away, its remaining arm flailing above itself, unable to find the terror at its back.

Levi rips its nape out with nothing but his hands.

The thing is dying… it’s already dead, but Levi isn’t done.

He moves to its head, grabs hold of its hair as he drops back to the ground, twisting the thick strands round his hands, and beginning to pull.

Hange drops from the horse’s saddle, her legs collapsing beneath her as she hits the ground.

She crawls toward Erwin, who remains frozen in the spot where the Titan had dropped him.

Bile comes rushing up into Hange’s throat as Levi rips the Titan’s head from its shoulders, flesh pulling apart like tenderized meat, the sickening sound of cracking bone and popping joints.

She turns and throws up into the grass.

She doesn’t know how any of this is possible.

She’d known… known Levi was strong… she’d known that. Known he was inhumanly strong, even, but…

Not this. Not like this.

It was something other. Something unreal.

She looks at Levi, then, finally having reached Erwin, her arms around him.

He’s shaking. They both are.

And they look.

Levi stands there, chest heaving, his entire body drenched in blood, the steam beginning to now rise up off him as it evaporates into the air.

He stands there, and for a moment, Hange wonders if he’s even human. If he’s even a man.

And then she watches as, at last, his leg gives out from under him, and he collapses to the wet earth below, unmoving and still as death.

Chapter Text

They make it back to the wall just as the sun is beginning to rise.

Levi is barely hanging on.

His fever had only grown worse in the hours since the Titan attack. Since Erwin and Hange both had watched their friend tear the creature apart with his bare hands.

Erwin still isn’t sure of what he’d seen.

Still doesn’t trust his own eyes, but for Hange telling him they'd witnesses the very same thing.

Levi had ripped the things head clean off. No tools, no weapons required. No swords.

He’d sunk his fingers into its hair and pulled with so much ungodly strength, that the muscles and tendons and sinews of its neck had pulled apart like tenderized meat.

Levi had done the same to its arms, its legs.

He’d pulverized the damned thing. Overpowered it.

It shouldn’t have been possible.

Levi was just a man. Evidenced, Erwin thinks, by the state of him now, his clothes soaked through with his own sweat, skin deathly pale and body shivering in violent, uncontrollable spasms.

He would die, if they weren’t able to get his fever down, and Erwin can’t bring himself to think of the possibility.

Levi couldn’t die. A man who could do that… could tear a Titan to pieces with his bare hands… a man like that shouldn’t be able to die from a simple fever.

But Erwin knows better. He knows.

In the aftermath of it all, Levi had collapsed to the ground like a puppet with its strings cut. As if, with his task completed, with Erwin and Hange safe, all that super-human strength had fled his body in one, fell swoop, crumpling him into the blood-soaked mud.

Erwin is embarrassed to admit to his own, momentary paralysis. To the way he’d just sat there, staring at Levi’s unmoving form, his brain still attempting to process what his eyes had just seen.

It was Hange who had finally snapped him out of it, when their body had collided against his own, hands fluttering over him to check for injury, voice babbling almost incoherently in his ear, asking if he was alright, asking if he’d just seen what they had.

The Titan’s body had lain, evaporating into steam a few feet from where Levi had collapsed, and finally Erwin’s brain had kicked into something resembling normal function.

He’d pushed himself up onto shaky legs and stumbled toward Levi, falling down beside him and reaching out, gathering him into his weak arms.

And the image had come to Erwin, in that moment, a single thought, overwhelming and heart shattering…

Levi looked like a child.

There, cradled in his arms, he was so small, covered in dirt and blood and filth, face so horribly young, slack with unconsciousness.

He’d felt so light. So… insubstantial, like there was nothing to him at all, and Erwin couldn’t understand… couldn’t conceive of how such a man could exist.

How so many contradictions could exist within one person.

A brutalizing, inhumanly strong weapon, capable of shocking, terrifying violence. More frightening than the power of any Titan, and yet…

He really was just a boy.

A sweet, kind, even shy boy who loved too deeply and cared too much. A boy who held in his heart a compassion tragic in its scope.

Erwin had been afraid, watching Levi do what he’d done. He’d been paralyzed with fear.

“… What is he?” He’d heard Hange at his back, then, their voice trembling, uncertain. Filled with the same awe and horror Erwin had felt. “Erwin, what is he? No human could do that…”

And Erwin had tucked Levi’s unmoving form against his chest, curling over him as if to shield him from any harm.

“He’s a man, Hange,” he’d said through gritted teeth, “And he’s our friend. That’s all that matters. We need to help him, now.”

“… Yeah, but,” Hange had said, “Erwin, what he did… what if he…”

“He’s a boy, Hange!” Erwin had snapped, and he’d lifted Levi into his arms as he stood, turning to face them, “And he’s our friend! He saved our rotten lives, and now we’re going to save his. He’s more deserving of it than either of us.”

Hange had stared back at him with thin lips, their jaw clenched, and Erwin had stared back, unmoving, unwilling to discuss it further, until finally Hange had nodded, and pointed to their single horse.

“Lets get him back on the saddle. You can ride with him this time,” they’d said, and Erwin had given a single nod in reply.

They hadn’t spoken much in the hours more it took to reach the wall. Didn’t mention between them what they’d witnessed out there in the dark.

It’s Mike who spots them.

He’d been waiting all day and night, since the Scouts had returned yesterday afternoon. He hadn’t given up, even as Shadis had tried to convince him the three of them were a lost cause.

“… I knew that little bastard wouldn’t let you die,” Mike says now, frowning as he watches Erwin dismount, Levi held in his arms.

“You have no idea, Mike,” Hange says weakly, “He…” and they shake their head, “he killed a Titan, he…”

“Is that how he got injured?” Mike asks, his face paling a little at the sight of Levi’s mangled leg, “Damn, that’s bad…”

“You don’t understand Mike,” Hange goes on, “He killed it with his bare hands. He… he tore it to pieces…”

Finally Mike looks at her.

“What?” He asks, “What are you talking about?” And he turns, looking at Erwin, “Did they hit their head or some shit? You starting to have hallucinations now, Hange?”

“It’s fucking true, Mike!” Hange spits at him, “He killed this fucking thing with his bare hands! He tore it apart!”

Mike holds his hands up.

“Whoa, whoa, okay…” he says, glancing again at Erwin, as if for confirmation.

But there isn’t time for this, Erwin thinks. It didn’t matter. Whatever Levi had done out there, whatever bizarre power was running through his veins, whatever questions they might have, it could wait. It could all wait.

“He’s running a bad fever,” he says instead, shifting Levi in his hold, feeling the awful, vicious tremors through his small frame, “he needs help. Right away. Go ahead to the infirmary and tell them to start prepping for an injured soldier with an infected compound fracture to the right leg. Tell them he’s running a high fever. He’ll die if they can’t get it under control. And send along for a wagon to carry him the rest of the distance.”

Mike doesn’t need to be told twice, turning and jumping onto a horse, kicking forward and disappearing from view a few moments later.

Erwin glances at Hange, seeing the distant, almost haunted look in their eyes.

“… He’s our friend, Hange,” Erwin says to them, and holds Levi tighter, “Don’t forget that, please. Don’t let this turn you unkind toward him.”

And Hange’s gaze shifts to him, then, a startled look in their features.

They shake their head.

“… I wouldn’t,” they promise, “Erwin, I know. I know he’s our friend. I just don’t… I don’t know what to think.”

“Do we have to think anything?” Erwin asks, “He isn’t a monster, Hange. He’s just a kid. Remember that. Remember his kindness. Think how afraid he must be. How alone he must have felt his whole life, having whatever this strength is. He deserves our kindness now. Okay? We have to be kind.”

Hange swallows, and finally gives a stiff nod.

“Okay,” they answer, and Erwin feels his shoulders sag in relief.

They would help Levi.

They would save him, like Levi had saved them.

Whatever it took…

Erwin wasn’t going to let Levi give his life for theirs.

//

Levi is 14 years old when he meets Conrad for the first time.

Well, almost 14. He’ll be 14 in just about two weeks. Levi knows, ‘cause he’s been keepin’ count ‘a the days, religious-like. Countin’ each one as it comes and goes.

It was always real obvious, too, when his birthday was comin’ up, ‘cause it was in December, and December got real cold down here. Real cold. Lotta’ people died, come December. You saw more dead bodies in the streets. And that let Levi know his birthday was comin’ up. That, and he kept real good count ‘a the days, these days.

Well, he hopes they’ll keep lettin’ them work the mines, even if it gets real cold. Colder than it already is, anyhow, ‘cause he got no more money, and he don’t… don’t like to steal. Not unless he’s got to. He weren’t no good at it, really. Didn’t got the brains for bein’ sneaky, even though Kenny’d taught him good how to do it. He always seemed to get caught, and then he had to get to crackin’ skulls, or he’d be dead, sure. But he don’t like it. Don’t like crackin’ skulls. Don’t like killin’.

Kenny’d laugh. But Kenny’s been gone these four years, and it don’t matter, no more, what Kenny’d think.

Well, and Levi’s good at this job. It don’t pay shit, but he’s good at it.

He’s small. Smaller ‘n the other kids they got workin’ the mines. And stronger. He guesses it’s the fact ‘a both that makes him so good at it. Other kids his size, they was all younger. Like nine and ten, so’s they didn’t have his strength or speed, and they died down here, real easy. Real easy. Levi could get the jobs done didn’t nobody else could. Could get into them real tight spaces, down deep where it was darker even than in the streets. So dark, you couldn’t see your hand in front ‘a your face. Could set the charges. He was good at swingin’ a pick, too. Could crack rocks all day and find what they was lookin’ for.

Ice Burst Stone.

He knows it’s a big thing up top.

They use it for all kinds ‘a stuff, he reckons. Though he don’t particular know what.

‘Cept the military. He knows they use it for that gear they got to flyin’ around on. He don’t know what it’s called. They turn it into gas for them canisters that get ‘em in the air.

He saw it plenty in action, though. Them police pigs, flyin’ around down here, crackin’ heads and arrestin’ people didn’t do nothin’ to no one.

Seen a couple ‘a them Scouts, too.

Them’s were crazy bastards, Levi knows. Had to be.

Heard all kinds ‘a crazy stories ‘bout them folks, goin’ out beyond the walls and fightin’ Titans.

Crazy.

Levi couldn’t figure the point.

Up top, he figures, you had all you could ever want.

Blue skies, far as the eye could see. Clean air. Fresh water. And the sun. The big, warm sun, just sittin’ up there in the sky, so close you could almost touch it.

He’d heard some ‘a the other boys talkin’ ‘bout up top, one day. They was sayin’ they got so much food there, they was just givin’ it away to folks. Just hadin’ it out, free.

Levi’s not so sure he believes that. Wasn’t nothin’ in this world free.

But the point is, he don’t know what them crazy Scout bastards feel the need to go ‘an fight Titans, for.

Not enough appreciation for the things they had, he figures.

Didn’t know how good they had it.

Even if they wasn’t really given food out fee, they still got the sky and the sun, and Levi figures, that’d be enough for him.

Well, weren’t no point, dreamin’ ‘a all that, though. He wasn’t never gettin’ up top.

He sits here now, pickin’ at his stale slice ‘a bread, and listens to the other boys talkin’ and laughin’.

Didn’t no one ever talk or laugh with him. The other boys don’t particular like him. They tell him he’s a freak and weird, and Levi guesses it’s true.

He’d tried that socializin’ when he’d first got picked up by the company, but he weren’t no good at it. Didn’t know how to talk right.

By the time Kenny’d left ‘em, he hardly was talkin’ two words a day.

These days, he’d down to nothin’, really.

Well, the other boys said he gave ‘em the creeps, on account ‘a how quiet he was, and how low he talked, when he did, and he guesses ‘cause ‘a his strength. They said it weren’t natural, and told him to fuck off.

They was all plenty happy, though, for him to do all the dangerous jobs. Gettin’ down deep where all the good rock was, where couldn’t none ‘a the older boys fit, settin’ charges and findin’ open caverns, sending back up what he could find with his pick.

It’s alright.

Levi figure, his strength’s gotta’ be good for somethin’ more ‘an killin’. Gotta’ be. And if he can keep some ‘a these boys from gettin’ killed, blowed up or crushed under fallin’ rock, he’s happy to.

They don’t like him particular, but he don’t wanna’ see none of ‘em die.

He tries not to think how, during their lunch break, like now, he always gets into his head how he’d like to go over and join in their conversation.

He pictures it.

Pictures goin’ over there and all them boys smilin’ at him and tellin’ him to have a seat, and he could just listen, and it’d be alright. Wouldn’t nobody expect him to say nothin’, just happy to have his company, and he’d be happy to have theirs.

He’d like that, he thinks.

But he knows better, by now.

They’d tell him to fuck off, and throw rocks at him, ‘till he got the message, and slunk off to sit alone. They’d laugh, and he’d know, deep down, they was laughin’ at him, and it got Levi to feelin’ that pain in his chest he sometimes still got, and he’d crush it down and think ‘a nothin’.

He reaches down into his pocket, puttin’ the thought from his head, pulls his purse. He pours his coins out into his palm and count’s ‘em.

Ain’t much.

Just enough for another slice ‘a bread, maybe a couple carrots, if they’s a few days old.

He puts the coins back in his purse.

His fingers are black with soot and grime, and he rubs ‘em together and frowns.

Don’t like that. Don’t like his hands bein’ filthy.

He’ll have to wash ‘em, later. If he can. Find some water and boil it and wash ‘em ‘till they’re clean.

He got to washin’ and scrubbin’ so hard, sometimes, he split the skin, and he’d watch his own blood ooze on outta’ him, slow and thick.

Some days, it made him think what it’d look like, if he were to slash his own throat, ear to ear, like how Kenny taught him to do on other men.

He wonders if his eyes would be big and startled, like how other men looked when you took their throat outta’ them.

He didn’t like it. Didn’t like those startled looks. Made him sick. Made him think bad thoughts, and dream bad dreams.

Don’t like killin’, and he wants to keep his job workin’ the mines, even though the pay weren’t hardly enough to get by, day to day.

Well, he’s thinkin’ all these thoughts when he feels someone come on up behind him, and he turns, quick like, and is on his feet, and he grabs the bastard by the collar and shoves him away. Puts his purse back in his pocket.

“Whoa, whoa,” the kid says.

He’s an older kid. Gotta’ be 16 or 17, Levi figure, on account ‘a how tall he is. Gotta’ be 5 foot nine or ten. Tall and skinny, like how Kenny looked, though he ain’t that tall. And he know he ain’t strong like Kenny.

The rest ‘a him ain’t nothin’ to look at. Shaggy black hair that falls into blue eyes, pasty and pale like all ‘a them down here. He’s got a pimply face.

The kid grins at him, and then he’s holdin’ out his hand.

Levi stares at it a long moment, before his eyes move back up to the kid's face. He’s still grinnin’, and Levi feels somethin’ like suspicion lurch in his gut.

He takes a step back.

The kid pulls his hand back and holds ‘em up, shakin’ his head.

“I don’t mean nothin’, little guy,” he says, “hey, you talk?”

Levi’s frown deepens, and he takes another step back.

“I ain’t never heard you talk, so I figured maybe you was a mute.”

“… I talk,” Levi finally answers, voice hoarse from disuse.

The kid grins wider.

“I’m Conrad,” he says, and he sticks his hand out again, “What’s your name?”

Levi still don’t move to take the kid's hand.

“Listen,” he goes on, like he ain’t bothered, “I see how the other boys treat you, and I think it’s real rotten. You’re our best asset, down here. You must keep a dozen kids a day from gettin’ caved in on, what with you takin’ on all the dangerous work yourself.”

Levi don’t say nothin’, just keeps starin’ up at the older boy. Conrad, he said his name was.

Nobody else had ever told him their name.

“Well, I figured maybe you could use a friend,” Conrad says.

Levi’s eyes shutter.

He shakes his head.

“No?” Conrad asks, “Come on, kid. How old are you? Nine? Ten?”

Levi swallows, self-conscious, all ‘a sudden.

“I’ll be fourteen, end ‘a this month,” he says, a little defensive.

Conrad huffs a laugh, and Levi looks away finally.

“For real? What are you? Four foot seven, I’m guessin’? You look like a little kid.”

“I’m stronger ‘an you,” Levi tells him flatly.

He expects the kid to get angry at that. Most boys didn’t like bein’ told they was weaker ‘an you. But Conrad just laughs.

“No shit,” he says, “I see what you can do. The other boys think it’s unnatural, but I figure you’re just gifted. Hey, what’s your name, kid?”

Levi blinks.

He hadn’t expected that. Hadn’t expected him to just accept it.

Most kids, you told ‘em you was stronger than ‘em, and they wanted to prove it otherwise. Always wanted to fight.

“… Levi,” he finally answers, voice a cracked whisper.

Conrad grins at him again, and again, holds out his hand.

“Well, Levi, I’m Conrad.”

But Levi shakes his head again.

He don’t know what this kid wants. Don’t know what game he’s playin’. People didn’t want to be his friend.

“Alright, Levi,” Conrad shrugs, his hand fallin’ away, “that’s alright. Hey, I’ll come back tomorrow and see if you want to shake then. Alright?”

Levi’s frown deepens, and he don’t say nothin’, just watchin’ the kid turn around and go back toward the group of other boys.

Conrad, he thinks.

Ain’t nobody ever told him their name, before.

Ain’t nobody ever asked him his.

//

The next day, Conrad comes back, just like he said he would, and this time, Levi shakes his hand.

He’s got big hands. Swallow Levi’s right up, and Conrad laughs about it, and says he don’t know how Levi got such strong hands when they was so little.

Levi puts his hands in his pockets and don’t say nothin’, starin’ at the ground.

Conrad laughs.

“Don’t take it personal, Levi,” he tells him, “you’re just a little marvel, ain’t ya? You’re stronger ‘an most grown men, I figure. Hey, you know what else I figure? This ain’t the place for you. You bein’ gifted and all. You could be runnin’ this whole neighborhood, with that gift ‘a yours.”

Levi frowns and looks up at him. He shakes his head.

“What? You don’t think so?”

“… Ain’t smart,” Levi mutters, and Conrad laughs again.

“Well, I am,” he says, “don’t let a little thing like that hold ya back. Hey, what you think? You and I could do big things together. My brains and your brawn. You know, this job sucks. What you say we get outta’ here. I got big plans, Levi. Got some marks. What you think?”

Levi shakes his head.

“No? Just like that? You gotta’ at least consider it, Levi.”

Levi shakes his head again.

“Can’t lose this job,” he tells Conrad, and Conrad shrugs.

“Well, you just think about it,” he says, “hey, Levi… I like you. I think you’re a pretty cool kid. Don’t let these other jokers get you down, okay?”

Levi watches him walk away again, and somethin’ shifts in his chest. Somethin’ he don’t recognize.

He thinks about Conrad for the rest ‘a the day. Thinks about him when he goes to the abandoned shack he’s been holed up in the last, few weeks. While he lies there in the dark, starin’ up at the black ceilin’, everything around him silent and still as death.

He’s disappointed, the next day, when Conrad don’t come by to say hello.

//

There’s a cave in the day after.

Levi gets caught in it. He’s strong enough, he’s able to lift the rocks up off himself and go to help the others.

Some of ‘em is dead, crushed to death, their skulls done in. Levi bites the inside ‘a his cheeks and looks away from ‘em, moves on to the ones still breathin’.

There’s dirt and dust cloggin’ the air, and he coughs and coughs against it as he works to dig the others free, his eyes stingin’ and burnin’, tears down his face.

Conrad is one ‘a the kids, and Levi feels his heart kick hard in his chest as he pulls the rocks up off him.

He ain’t so bad off. Just a little scraped and bruised.

Conrad laughs when he sees him.

“You got a big gash in your head,” he says, and Levi reaches up, feels the slick ‘a his own blood, pourin’ down his face. He hadn’t even realized.

He hauls Conrad up, tells him to get to the entrance.

“You should just leave the rest of ‘em,” Conrad says, “they’re all dead, probably.”

Levi shakes his head.

“Suit yourself,” Conrad tells him, “but I got a feelin’ this cave’s gonna’ collapse again.”

Levi ignores him and keeps diggin’.

He finds three more kids still breathin’. They’re all unconscious, and Levi has to carry ‘em out.

Conrad helps Levi get the gash on his head cleaned up, wraps it in some gauze that Levi don’t know where he got from.

“Hey, you wanna’ come back with me to my place?” He asks after, when they cut the day short, “I got some friends I’d like you to meet.”

Levi don’t know what to say, so he just stands there.

He’s dizzy.

“Come on, Levi, don’t you want some friends?”

Levi frowns, stares down at his hands, covered in grime and soot and cut all up from the rocks.

“Come on,” Conrad says, and he puts his arm around Levi’s shoulders.

Levi pushes him off and steps back, shakes his head.

Conrad frowns at him.

“Now you’re hurtin’ my feelin’s, kid,” he says, “come on. Come with me.”

Levi’s breath comes too fast, and he don’t know what to do.

Conrad acted like he wanted to be his friend. But didn’t nobody ever want to be his friend.

He didn’t fit.

“… Why?” He finally manages, and Conrad keeps frownin’ at him.

“Why what?”

“… Why you act like you wanna’ be my friend?” Levi asks.

And now Conrad grins again.

He’s got a nice smile, Levi thinks. He’s nice.

“I told you, Levi, I like you,” he says, like that explains it, “I think you’re a cool cat.”

“… People don’t like me,” Levi tells him.

“Pff, well, I ain’t people, Levi. I’m just me. Come on. What? You think I’m gonna’ pull somethin’? The hell could I do to you? You’ll snap my neck like a twig, if you’re so inclined. I just wanna’ be your friend, Levi.”

Conrad wants to be his friend.

That’s what he says.

Levi ain’t never had no friend, before.

Kenny been gone four years, just about.

Mama’s been gone nine.

Levi spends his days and nights alone, now. Always alone. He stares up at the ceiling of his hole and thinks about friends and what it might be like, to have someone with him who wanted to talk to him and everything. Who wanted to be near.

Conrad says he wants to be Levi’s friend, and Levi thinks he wants to be Conrad’s friend, too.

Conrad was nice. He was nicer to him than anyone. Talked to him and all. Guesses he don’t gotta’ imagine no more, since Conrad came and really talked and asked Levi questions, liken he was for real curious.

When Kenny left, Levi cried once, and then he didn’t cry no more.

Bein’ alone was how it was for him, and no sense cryin’ over what was meant to be.

Well, but… some days it got to feelin’ like he couldn’t breathe from it. Like there was a big weight, pressin’ down on his chest, crushin’ him worse than any fallin’ rocks ever could.

He stares at his hands, and thinks about the other boys who told him to fuck off, and thinks ‘a how he don’t fit.

Conrad was nice. He was nice to him. He was kind.

Levi looks up at him, and he thinks how he’d like to go with him, and be his friend. Imagines the two of ‘em, sittin’ together and talkin’ and bein’ friends and…

It gets him to feelin’ somethin’ warm all through his chest. Liken he was sat near a big fire, and he could feel all that heat, seepin’ into his skin and bones and warmin’ him all up from the inside out.

Conrad is lookin’ back at him, expectin’ and all, like he really cares what Levi’s got to say.

Nobody never cared, before.

So he nods, and the big grin on Conrad’s face makes the warmth in his chest bigger.

This time, when Conrad puts his arm around his shoulders, Levi don’t push him away.

//

Levi wakes to pain and the sense of somebody holding his hand.

He thinks, maybe, if everything didn’t hurt so much, he’d be sure he was dreamin’.

There’s sunlight, washin’ everything white and hazy, so’s he can’t really make nothin’ out. Doesn’t know where he is, then. Doesn’t remember how he got here.

There’s a smell in the air like somethin’ familiar. Pungent and sweet that makes Levi’s stomach turn, a sickness in his throat and against his tongue, and he turns, pressin’ his face against the pillow under his head.

A pillow…

He was in a bed, then, and he don’t remember.

Gradually, things come into sharper focus. The room around him. The sensation of soft sheets against his naked back. The pain, too, gets worse as the fog lifts from his mind.

And the feel of a hand, pressed against the open palm of his own.

He turns, and finds Erwin there with him.

He’s asleep, leaned back in a chair he’s pulled to the side of the bed.

For a moment, Levi isn’t sure he’s real.

The sun streams in to turn his skin a golden hue, a halo of light around his hair. His whole body seems to glow with it, and Levi thinks he looks like something from another world. Like some impossible being beyond mortal men.

Only as he continues to study his face, he sees all those little things which tells him how much of a man Erwin truly is.

The way his lips are parted. The days-old growth of stubble along his chin and cheeks, along his upper lip. The creased line of his brow, something Levi has come to recognize as a sign of stress and pain in the older man. There are heavy circles underneath his eyes, too, deep furrows along the edges, and Levi thinks Erwin likely hasn’t slept for days. Maybe this is the first rest he’s gotten.

He can’t remember…

What had happened?

… They’d been on an expedition beyond the walls, he knows. He remembers that.

Their right flank had been attacked by a horde of abnormals… He’d gone after them… gone to help…

Remembers Erwin screaming at him… chasing after him…

Remembers pushing Erwin out of the way just as a Titan’s jaws had come down and the world, after that, had gone dark.

What had come next…

Next…

He remembers the smell…

The sickening, overpowering stench of blood and guts, clogging his nose, coating the inside ‘a his mouth.

Remembers the pool of gore he’d found himself in, floating heads and limbs all around him. The bodies of his fallen comrades, torn to pieces and swallowed whole by a monster.

Where he’d then been.

There’d been grief, he remembers. A weight in his heart like the weight of his memories. Mama, and Fur and Izzy…

And what he’d woken from just now…

Conrad…

Conrad, who had…

He pushes it from his mind.

He hadn’t felt any fear, he remembers. Hadn’t been afraid, once he’d realized where he was. Just known… known he couldn’t stay there. Couldn’t stay in that filth and horror.

It had come to him what to do, like it always did in those moments.

Cut your way out, he’d thought. You have your swords.

And so that’s what he’d done.

He’d used all his strength to slice through the thick skin of the Titan’s stomach. It had been tougher than the skin at the napes of their necks. A wall of fat and muscle and sinew. But he’d managed it, even as the stench had threatened to choke him to death. Even as his hands had been so slick with blood and whatever other fluids were floating around in that soup, he’d barely been able to keep a grip on his blades.

He’d managed it, and remembers the rush behind him as he’d spilled the monster’s guts, like the pull of a river tearin’ him free, spillin’ him out onto the ground and back into the searing, blinding light of the world.

And then he remembers….

Remembers the Titan falling, and the dizzying, crushing pain of his leg, being pinned underneath the mass of its body…

He doesn’t remember much ‘a anything after that…

There’d been pain. Horrible pain. And then flashes of hot and cold.

Remembers burning up like his skin’d been set on fire, and then, a moment later, it feelin’ like someone’d dunked his whole body into a frozen lake in winter. Couldn’t stop shakin’, he remembers. Couldn’t get warm for nothin’…

Remembers flashes of Erwin’s face, and Hange’s…

Remembers them speakin’ words to him that he couldn’t make no sense of, and can’t now recall.

Remembers thinkin’…

Thinkin’ Fur and Izzy’d been there, somehow. Like it was that day…

That day, when the two of ‘em had last been in this world, and he’d seen them bein’ torn apart by Titans and…

He hadn’t been fast enough. Not fast enough, then, and they’d died.

What was that? That he remembers now. What was it?

A Titan, and Furlan in its massive, pulverizing hand, and Levi screaming, thinking no, no, no… move faster. Get there in time. Get there in time, please, please…

But Furlan was dead.

Months and months gone. Him and Izzy. So it couldn’t ‘a been…

Couldn’t…

There’d been a voice at his back, too. Someone screaming… cryin’ out his name, fear and horror.

A storm of blood, rainin’ down on him, burning steam and heat and fire in his eyes, against his skin, but it hadn’t mattered. None ‘a it had mattered.

Just had to save him. Had to save him, he remembers.

Levi blinks, and there’s a wash of somethin’, warm and wet down his cheeks.

He stares at Erwin, and notices for the first time the line of stitches, thick, black thread along his hairline. The deep bruising peeking through the collar of his shirt, and along his naked forearms.

… Erwin…

Had it been Erwin in a Titan’s grip?

Had that been…?

Levi’s lips part to call out his name, but his voice won’t come. Trapped in his dry and clicking throat.

He tries licking his lips, working some moisture against his tongue.

He hadn’t realized until that moment how thirsty he was.

“… Er…” he tries again, and only manages a cracked whisper.

The pain comes stronger, suddenly, a throbbing, grinding ache up from his leg, seeming to bleed into his very gums, and Levi squeezes his eyes shut against it, swallowing, and swallowing again.

God…

He tries sittin’ up, and notices, at last, his leg done up in a cast, elevated up off the bed in some kinda’ metal contraption.

He thinks, that makes sense. He musta’ broke it when that Titan fell on him. Musta’ been what happened.

The pain is bad. Makes him feel sick. Thinks he might be sick, mouth suddenly thick with saliva, and he collapses down onto his back again.

Somethin’ in his shifting gets Erwin’s attention, then. Levi feels him move, his hand around his own squeezing a moment, before loosening, and Erwin is sitting up, then, blinking the sleep from his eyes, dazed and unfocuses.

Levi watches him, until finally Erwin’s gaze sharpens, eyes going wide as he sees Levi looking back.

“You’re awake,” he starts.

And then he’s standing, reaching over with his hand and pressing his palm to Levi’s forehead.

“How do you feel? You’ve been out for the past two days… Your fever is down, thank God… Are you in pain?”

Levi licks again at his lips, brain stuttering, tryin’ to follow everything Erwin’s sayin’.

He shakes his head.

“… W-water…” he finally manages.

“Oh, of course!” Erwin turns from him, and Levi hears the sound of liquid being poured into a glass.

A moment later, Erwin’s got his arm under his back, helpin’ to lift him up off the mattress, guiding a straw to Levi’s lips.

Levi pulls at it, lips too dry to get any suction goin’. Erwin must notice, because suddenly he’s dippin’ his fingers into the water and smoothin’ ‘em over Levi’s lips.

Levi feels himself stiffen, face goin’ hot.

He flinches back, and Erwin pulls his hand away.

“Sorry,” he mutters, “that was too forward. I should have asked…”

Levi licks at his lips, the water a soothing touch against the dryness, and he shakes his head.

“… ‘s’alright,” he says, his eyes sliding away.

Erwin don’t say nothin’ else, only bringing the straw back to his lips, and Levi is grateful.

He don’t… don’t know what’s goin’ on between them. Don’t know what this is.

It felt like… felt like, sometimes, that Erwin was comin’ onto him, but Levi don’t see how that can be. Don’ see how.

Erwin could have anyone he wanted.

Even if… even if he were queer like Levi… he could have any man.

There were so many good lookin’ men around, too. Weren’t as if he didn’t have no options. If he really wanted… if he were really into that kinda’ thing.

And Levi don’t wanna’ think… don’t wanna’ make no mistake or… or misunderstand, like how he did with Conrad and… and Conrad’s friends, and…

That was the first and last time he’d ever tried…

He doesn’t… don’t think he could take it, if the same thing were to happen with Erwin. If Erwin did that to him…

And then he thinks…

He remembers…

That Titan… the one who’d had hold ‘a Furlan, but now he thinks it’d really been Erwin…

Levi’d torn that thing up with his bare hands. He remembers the feel of its thick, warm flesh beneath his hands, between his fingers as he’d sunk his claws into it and ripped it to fuckin’ shreds…

Erwin must’a seen… and… and Hange, too. The both of ‘em must’a…

God… oh God, that means…

They’d seen what he was, now. Seen what a freak he was. What a monster.

They wouldn’t…

They’d be scared ‘a him now, wouldn’t they? Shouldn’t… shouldn’t Erwin be scared ‘a him? Everyone always was, when he… when they saw what he really was. What he could do…

But Erwin was here with him, and he was… was touchin’ him and talkin’ to him and he wasn’t lookin’ at Levi like he was a freak. Liken he wanted to get away or… or was sickened or…

Levi’s heart slams sudden and awful in his chest.

Maybe ‘cause Erwin was too kind, and he didn’t wanna’ lay it on Levi while he was stuck here in bed, in the infirmary, his leg all broke up. Maybe on account ‘a Levi savin’ his life, so’s he felt like… like maybe he owed it, to let him down gentle… to ease his way away.

Levi thinks he’s gotta’ say somethin’. Maybe try ‘an explain.

But he don’t know what he could say. Don’t know how to explain nothin’ in any kind’a way, not when he didn’t hardly understand it himself, why he was like he was. Why he had this strength which weren’t natural. It weren’t. He’s some kind’s freak, and now Erwin and Hange knew, and they’d run like… like most everyone always did, when they found out.

“Levi, what’s wrong?” Erwin asks, sudden, leaning closer, “What is it?”

Levi’s vision blurs, and he feels a hot warmth down his cheeks.

He reaches up, wiping hastily at his face, shakin’ his head.

He don’t know what to say.

He didn’t wanna’ lose Erwin or Hange. They were…

Well, they were his friends. He’d got to thinkin’ of ‘em as such. Like… like how he’d once got to thinkin’ ‘a Fur and Izzy, and how they became like family, then. Like his brother and sister.

Erwin frowns, and leans back.

“… Are you in a grea deal of pain?” He asks, and Levi shakes his head again.

He is… well, his leg hurts somethin’ awful, but that ain’t… that ain’t it…

“… Is this about what happened out there, beyond the walls?” Erwin asks, and Levi feels his throat close up.

He looks away.

“Levi… perhaps now isn’t the best time to discuss it. You’re still recovering, and… and you pushed yourself so hard out there. You almost died from the fever and… I know you must be… unsettled by everything. But you… you got us home. Me and Hange. We’d have died without you. I think you should just focus on yourself right now. On getting better. Alright? Don’t worry about anything else.”

And Levi thinks… he thinks maybe Erwin’s tryin’ to distract him. Tryin’ to act like he ain’t got nothin’ to worry over. But Levi knows that ain’t true. Can’t be true. People didn’t react good when they saw what he was.

“… Ain’t you…” Levi starts, uncertain, his lips numb with a kind of sudden dread. Maybe he doesn’t wanna’ know. Maybe he shouldn’t ask. “Ain’t you afraid ‘a me now, Erwin?” He forces the question from his lips. “Ain’t you and H-Hange afraid ‘a me?”

Erwin looks at him. He looks at him for a long while, and don’t say nothin’, and Levi thinks, sure, he’s gonna’ confess it, now. He’s gonna’ tell Levi how afraid the both ‘a them’s were of him, how didn’t neither of ‘em want nothin’ to do with him, no more. Levi imagines it. Imagines the words comin’ outta’ Erwin’s mouth, and Levi don’t know what he’ll do, then.

He don’t have no place else to go.

If Erwin didn’t want him around no more, if he… if he thought he was a monster, if he thought he was dangerous to other people…

The Underground’s the only place left, he guesses. The only place he could crawl. Back to where he’d come from.

“… I’ll admit I was a bit intimidated,” Erwin finally speaks, voice low and even, “And maybe very surprised. But I was never afraid, Levi. Not of you. Of the Titan, yes, not of you. Levi, I could have closed my eyes and trusted in you completely, and I know I would have made it out of that situation alive. Do you understand? You give that to people, Levi. You give them faith they’ll make it home alive.”

Levi’s brow furrows, and he frowns, because he don’t understand. He don’t know what Erwin means.

He’d watched him tear a fuckin’ Titan apart with his bare hands. Seen what kinda’ violence was in him. What kinda’ death he could bring, and he was talkin’ like Levi made him feel safe.

Levi hadn’t never made no one feel safe. People’d only ever looked at him with fear in their eyes, and that was right, Levi thinks. That was how it should be.

Erwin frowns at him, and then he’s reaching out, takin’ his hands.

“Levi, you would only be frightening to me if you were a bad man. But you aren’t. You have this incredible strength, and I don’t know where it comes from, but I do know how you use it. And you use it to help people. And I know you do that because you care. Because you have such a great compassion in you. Greater than I’ve ever seen in another human being. Your heart matches that power in your hands. Do you see? Why would I be frightened of someone so kind?”

Levi blinks at him, and he don’t understand. He thinks maybe Erwin don’t understand, neither.

He weren’t kind. He were… he were violent and crude and he… he’d hurt people. He’d killed people. So many, just… tored ‘em apart like he did that Titan. Tored their faces off, their arms and legs and… and crushed their skulls against the ground. He’d…

He had violence in him, and people were right to be scared ‘a him. They were right to run away and leave him alone.

But Erwin weren’t runnin’, and Levi sees it in his eyes, he means what he says. He thinks that about Levi. Thinks he’s kind and good and that his strength made people feel safe, ‘stead ‘a scared, and he thinks… maybe… maybe, if Erwin believed in him, maybe it could even be true. Maybe… maybe this monster inside him, whatever it was, maybe it weren’t all bad. Even though… even though he didn’t always get there in time, like with… with Fur and Izzy, even though he couldn’t really get everyone home alive…

He wanted to try. He’d… he’d always wanted…

Well, and Erwin showed him how. Erwin’d showed him a way.

And he weren’t scared ‘a Levi, even though he’d seen the monster, and he believed in Levi, and told him he made people feel safe. Told him he trusted in him to do the right thing.

And Erwin were… he were so much smarter. Smarter than everyone. And Levi thinks maybe he should listen to him, then. He should listen to Erwin, on account he were so much smarter.

If Erwin believed in him, maybe Levi could believe in himself, a little. Maybe.

Maybe he didn’t have to be so afraid of himself, neither.

Maybe he didn’t have to be.