Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Remus never thought he would make friends online. Especially with the Instagram persona Sirius Black.

He doesn’t even know how it really happened. He’s an amateur writer, who’s trying to write a book and occasionally posts some of his poems on Instagram. And Sirius is— well, Sirius is just Sirius. With over 200k followers who care about irrelevant shit, like what they had for breakfast.

Remus wasn’t even Sirius’ fan. It was Sirius who reached out to him first. To this day Remus doesn’t know how they found his page, but the message seems to be permanently etched in his brain.

hey!

just wanted to say your poems are really cool

Remus remembers being dumbstruck. Staring at his phone in awe, because that was Sirius Black who DMed him. And Remus wasn’t even following them at the time.

Remus has never been good at DMs. Or just human contact in general. It’s the constant of, What if they don’t understand that reference? What if I’ll make a fool out of myself? What if what I said sounded rude? I didn’t mean for it to sound rude. And just a thousand of what ifs.

But with Sirius it’s different - Remus can actually be himself for some reason. It was like that even when they first started getting to know each other.

And it escalated from there - from that DM. They talked and talked, practically as much as they could - and as much as it was possible given that Remus lived in London and Sirius in New York. They texted, called and FaceTimed as if they couldn’t get enough of each other.

Remus has never felt how he felt for Sirius. There has never been that tugging feeling, the longing, the desire to hear Sirius’ voice every second of every day.

Sirius also felt that they had something special with Remus. Every single aspect of their life has been advertised ever since they started social media - from their daily routines to how their family life had been. But Remus is… their thing. Someone who Sirius doesn’t share.

They even came up with nicknames for each other. Or, well, Remus did and then Sirius decided that Remus needed a matching one.

“You’re the dog star,” Remus said on one of their calls. “So… Padfoot.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yes, it does.”

“Alright, you’re Moony then.”

“How does that make any sense?” Remus argued.

“Remus is that kid from Ancient Greece—”

“Ancient Rome.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Sirius shook their head, chuckling. “He was raised by a wolf.”

“I still don’t see the connection between the moon.”

“Do you not know anything about werewolves, Lupin?” Sirius asked, a grin forming on their face.

“I know they’re not real.”

Sirius huffed. “ Whatever. You’re Moony now, get used to it.”

And he did get used to it. He got so used to it that now it feels weird when Sirius calls him by his actual name.

In conclusion - they talked a lot. At any hour of the day or night, because they live on different ends of the earth and are both insomniacs.

It’s eight in the morning for Remus and they’re still talking. He woke up at five, for some reason, and immediately called Sirius. Because there was nothing else he thought he could do. Nothing else he wanted to do.

Remus is making himself breakfast now, his phone laying on the counter next to him with a babbling Sirius on the screen. It’s still sometimes hard to believe for Remus that they can talk this much .

“This is so stupid,” Sirius says suddenly.

Remus frowns, glancing at the phone. “What is?”

“The distance. And the time zones. What are time zones even for ?”

Remus chuckles, throwing his head back.

Except there’s really not that much to laugh about - the distance is stupid. And they can’t just go and see each other whenever they want to.

They actually haven’t seen each other yet. Remus doesn’t travel much, he never has, and as someone who works at a bookstore and still hasn’t found a publisher for his own writing, he doesn’t have a lot of money. Certainly not enough to pay rent and go to New York.

Sirius has more money, that’s true. But most of it gets spent on their transition - hormone therapy, their recent top surgery - “influencer” equipment and rent. And they’re in college. They can’t exactly just take a spontaneous vacation.

“I know it’s stupid,” Remus agrees. “I wish I could see you.”

“I wish I could touch you,” Sirius says. “I wonder what you smell like.”

Remus chuckles once again. “I wish I could hug you.”

“I wish I could kiss you.”

Remus’ brows shoot up, his whole body freezing.

“What?” is all he’s able to get out of himself.

But Sirius doesn’t answer. Still acclimating himself to the situation, Remus leaves his frying pan behind, scrambling to get to his phone.

“Pads?”

Sirius hangs up.

Remus is staring at his phone, blinking and running the situation through his head.

He must’ve misheard them. ...Right?

But then why would they hang up?

He opens Instagram and starts typing.

pads?

No answer.

padfoot

sirius, come on, answer me

what did you say?

The typing bubble appears for a moment but then disappears again, and Remus lets out a frustrated groan.

did you mean it?

Appears and disappears - again. Remus is staring at the screen, chewing on his lower lip. He types and deletes. Then types it again. Considers for a few more seconds and sends.

i wish i could kiss you too

Chapter Text

Sirius doesn’t reply. And they don’t call. Remus doesn’t hear from them for the rest of the day.

He burns his eggs - he completely forgets about them, too caught up in literally confessing his feelings for Sirius.

By the time he leaves his flat to go to work, Sirius has already seen the message. But they don’t reply. Everything inside of Remus feels like it’s on fire.

At the bookstore, he can’t concentrate. His hands won’t stop shaking. His whole body is shaking and he hasn’t even had any coffee. He can’t hear his own thoughts, his heart hammers so loud in his chest. He feels like it might jump out.

He must’ve misheard Sirius. Or maybe it was a slip of the tongue? Because if they did mean it then why are they not responding?

Remus keeps checking his phone. Every five minutes he opens Instagram, then the messages app but there’s nothing there. Like, actually nothing.

Sirius hasn’t posted anything on their story since yesterday. Which would make sense if it was anyone other than Sirius - after all most people had to sleep. But Sirius is active on their story almost 24/7.

Remus honestly can’t tell whether he’d rather Sirius did post something - and ensure him that they are ghosting him, that it’s not just that their phone broke or something - or kept up the complete silence that’s driving Remus out of his mind.

Lily notices. Of course, she does, she’s known Remus since primary school. She’s been with him through it all - coming out, first boyfriends, first girlfriends. And now she works with him at the bookstore. Remus sometimes jokes that he can’t get rid of her.

“What’s up?” she asks, tapping him on the shoulder.

He’s leaning on one of the bookshelves, fidgeting with his phone. He’s just checked it again.

He shrugs, avoiding her eyes. “Nothing.”

“Remus,” she says firmly. “I haven’t seen you this stressed since high school. What’s up? ”

He shrugs again.

She sighs. “It’s Sirius, isn’t it?”

He finally snaps his eyes to her. “What? How— I mean, why would it—”

“Oh, save it,” she cuts him off. “They’re the only person you seem to be talking about recently. And now you can’t stop checking your phone.”

Remus doesn’t answer. He’s not sure what to say. His eyes drift away from her, settling on something further down in the store. He feels a shiver and his neck gently jerks to the side.

“Rem?” Lily says softly.

He forces himself to look back at her.

“Go home,” she says. “You’re clearly too anxious to be here.”

She has to convince him a bit more but eventually, he gives in and heads back to his flat.

The problem is that when he’s back there, he has no clue what to do. His stomach is too cramped for him to eat, there’s no way he’ll be able to do anything that will actually require concentrating, and anyway, there are not that many things he could do.

Remus keeps everything in check. He has routines, everything in his life is scheduled. But he hasn’t scheduled leaving work early today. He hadn't expected he would be in his flat at two in the afternoon, four hours earlier than usual.

He’s supposed to do his laundry on Saturday - tomorrow. He could do it today but then his whole schedule would shift and he’d get irritated. He could also write but he usually writes in the evenings and he doesn’t feel like writing right now anyway.

He ends up absently watching TV and checking his phone every five minutes.

Sirius doesn’t text. Or call.

By the time the evening rolls around, Remus has already showered and is sitting on his bed in his pyjamas, his laptop in his lap.

But he can’t seem to come up with a single sentence. His mind keeps drifting off to Sirius.

When Remus started writing, like seriously writing, the “this is my plan for the future” type of writing, he promised himself that he would write every day. That was the only way to make sure he wouldn’t just give up on his book. Move on to another idea. That he would not finish either.

And he’s kept that promise so far. He’s written every day, even if it was just a couple of sentences. He could be having the worst migraine of his life, or be on a holiday somewhere without his laptop, but he still wrote. Every single day.

But now all there is in his mind is Sirius. Stupid Sirius, with their cheeky grin, and their dark wavy hair, and glinting grey eyes. Stupid Sirius with their inability to text back.

Frustrated with himself, Remus checks his phone. Again. No new messages and Sirius’ story is empty. So is their Twitter. And all of their other social media.

At this point, it’s getting concerning.

Remus feels like he’s about to blow up, because he didn’t write, because he broke his routine, because he confessed to Sirius and they fucking ghosted him.

There’s no way he can fall asleep with all of that anxiety.

And not sleeping is another way of breaking his routine. Which makes him even more anxious.

It’s 1 AM when he sits up in his bed. He doesn’t know what to do. His heart feels like it’s about to burst out of his chest.

Remus hates most phone calls. He never knows what to say, when to speak and how to act. His brain seems to freeze whenever he has to talk with someone over the phone.

Except when it’s with two people. Sirius and Lily.

And, well, Sirius is a no-go right now, so Remus calls Lily.

“Remus?” he hears her gentle voice.

“Hi. I— I’m sorry, did I wake you?” he stammers out. His voice is shaking.

“No, no, Remus, it’s okay,” she says softly. “What’s up?”

“I—” He shuts his eyes for a second. “I didn’t write. And— and now I can’t sleep, and it’s just all—”

“Hey, Re, calm down,” she interrupts carefully. “Breathe. Remember? Inhale and exhale, okay?”

He steadies his breathing in silence. On the other end, Lily is breathing with him, trying to coach him through it.

“It’s just…” he begins after a couple of minutes. “I can’t sleep and if I can’t sleep, I’ll be tired tomorrow and I have things to do—”

He’s starting to ramble again so Lily cuts in:

“Remus,” she says firmly. “It’s okay. People can’t sleep sometimes. It’s normal.”

“Right.” He nods, his heart practically beating in his throat.

They sit in silence for a little while, Remus trying to calm himself down. His heart is pounding and he won’t stop shaking.

“Remus?” Lily says after a few moments. “You can talk to me about what happened, you know that, right?”

He blinks. “Yes. Yeah, I do know that.”

Words come spilling out of him and he can’t control them. He tells her about the call with Sirius. About what Sirius said. And then what Remus wrote. Then he tells her about how now Sirius is not responding, more than that, they have gone completely offline.

By the time he’s done it’s already 2 AM. His phone is laying in front of him, he’s put it on speaker. His face is wet with tears but he is a bit calmer. It feels nice to get it all off of his chest.

“Remus,” Lily says.

“Yes?”

“You do realize that they like you, right?”

A beat of silence.

“Well—”

“No, don’t you deny it!” Lily cuts in, a string of amusement in her voice. “They literally said ‘I wish I could kiss you.’ That’s the most smitten shit I’ve ever heard.”

“Maybe…” Remus trails off. “Maybe they meant it in like a… friendly way?”

Lily bursts into laughter and Remus feels his cheeks growing hot.

The truth is, he desperately wants it to be true. But he also desperately doesn’t want to lead himself on. Sirius is in New York. Sirius is popular, and has fans, and is just cool .

“Well but they’re not responding, are they?” Remus chokes out.

Lily tries to calm her laugh down and fails and Remus has to wait a minute for her to be able to speak.

“Yeah, well, they’re probably freaked out,” she says finally. “I mean, they confessed to you, accidentally, may I add, and then you suddenly confessed back.”

Remus nods even though she can’t see that. It’s honestly more so that he’ll be surer of it himself.

“Give them time,” Lily says.

“Okay,” Remus says, nodding again. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

There’s a moment of silence.

“Or, well, you could just call them.”

Remus frowns. “I don’t call people. I only sometimes answer when they call me.”

“You literally called me an hour ago.”

“That was an act of desperation.”

Lily bursts into laughter again and Remus grins.

In the end, he ends up getting only about five hours of sleep but he tries not to beat himself up about it too much. It’s like Lily said - everyone can’t sleep sometimes.

It’s 1 PM and he’s just finished doing laundry when his doorbell rings. Remus stops, dumbstruck. His doorbell almost never rings.

He hasn’t ordered any takeout. The mailman always drops the eventual letters in the box, they never ring. Lily would’ve called if she was planning to visit and Remus doesn’t really have any other friends.

For a second, he thinks he’s misheard it. But then it rings again. Remus blinks and walks over to the entrance. He hesitates for a moment, his hand hovering over the handle but then, trying not to overthink it too much, he opens the door.

Sirius is standing in his doorway with a sheepish smile on their face. There’s a slightly withered tulip in their right hand, and with the other Sirius is scratching the back of their neck.

Remus’ mouth drops open. His eyes drip from Sirius' face to the flower, then back to their face, and then back down, because Sirius is wearing a crop top. Remus feels his breath catch in his throat. He hopes Sirius doesn’t notice it.

“Hi,” they say.

Remus blinks, his eyes finding Sirius’ again, and he can’t manage out a word.

Sirius. In London. In his doorway. In flesh.

And then Remus remembers that Sirius completely ghosted him.

“What— What the fuck?” he stammers out.

Sirius chuckles nervously and before they can speak up, Remus is asking another question:

“How did you get my address?”

“Oh. Lily,” Sirius says briefly.

Lily. Remus is going to kill her.

“Look, Moony, I know you’re pissed,” Sirius continues, taking advantage of how taken aback Remus is. “And you have every right to be. But I— I didn’t want to do this over the phone, and I— I mean—”

“Come in,” Remus blurts out. “Just… We can talk inside.”

Sirius nods and walks in and Remus regrets it almost immediately because now, Sirius Black is inside of his flat.

His small, messy flat. The flat that Remus hasn’t cleaned yet this week, because that’s supposed to happen tomorrow.

But when Sirius looks around, they smile.

“It’s nice,” they say. “Very you.”

Remus feels his cheeks growing hot.

They’re standing in the foyer and Remus thinks that might be a bit impolite of him, but then he doesn’t really know where else he’d take Sirius. He doesn’t know what kind of a visit this is. How long Sirius is planning on staying.

“Er…” Sirius stammers and thrusts forward the tulip. “I got you this. It’s, er… pretty crappy ‘cause I don’t really know any flower shops here.”

“Thank you,” Remus says, taking the tulip. “But, why— I mean, what are you doing here?”

“Well, I—” They take a shaky breath. “I came to tell you something. And explain myself, I guess.”

“Okay.” Remus nods. “I’m listening.”

“Right,” Sirius says. “First of, I’m sorry for hanging up, after— after you know what. I— Well, in my defence, initially I thought I’d just accidentally confessed my unrequited feelings for you.

“But then, I— I’m also sorry I didn’t reply after you said, you know, er…” they hesitate, “the things that you said. I sort of freaked out. I called James, and it was three in the morning so I woke him up because he’s a normal person who sleeps, but he wasn’t much use anyway.

“Point is, I was scared and I didn’t know what to say, and by the time I figured out what to say, it was already afternoon— yeah, I didn’t go to class, don't worry about it. And then I realized that I actually wanted to talk to you in person so I went to the airport, but the earliest flight to London was at 10 PM so I had to wait, that’s why it all took so long, and anyway, now I’m here.”

Remus stares at them, stunned.

Sirius ditched class. Sirius wanted to do this (whatever this is) in person. Sirius flew from New York to London purely to talk to Remus.

Remus doesn’t know what to do, so he drops the flower and jumps forward, hugging Sirius tightly.

Sirius is short. And they smell like leather. Sirius’ body is warm against Remus’ and their hair is soft underneath his chin.

At first, they’re taken aback, but then they relax into the hug, wrapping their arms around Remus’ waist.

“I wasn’t done,” they mumble.

Remus lets out a teary chuckle - that’s when he realizes he’s almost crying - and gently backs away. Sirius’ hands are still on his waist.

“Right,” Remus says. “Sorry, continue.”

Sirius grins. “Well. I just wanted to say - this time not accidentally - that I like you, Moons. Like, in a romantic, let’s date type way. I mean— if you want to.”

Their grey eyes are looking up into Remus’ and he feels like he’s going to melt in them. He takes Sirius’ face in his hands and brushes a strand of their hair off of it.

“I do want to do that, yes,” he says.

Sirius smiles so softly, and Remus could swear his heart is beating out of his chest.

“You smell really nice,” Sirius blurts out, and laughter bubbles in Remus’ throat. “I mean— I said that I wanted to know what you smell like, and, well, now I know, and you smell nice.”

“Yeah?” Remus drags his thumb across Sirius’ bottom lip. “I think there was something else you said you wanted to do that we haven’t done today yet.”

Sirius smiles again and Remus gently pulls them up, crashing their lips together.

Sirius tastes really nice , he thinks.