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Chapter Text

Sirius Black was staring at the door Remus had vanished through, almost three weeks ago. They hadn’t said I love you or kissed each other goodbye the way they used to. Sirius sighed and buried his face in his hands, a pang of guilt growing inside his chest. He didn’t know for how much longer he could hold his tongue or keep on pretending nothing had changed but, for now, he couldn’t risk saying anything. If he was wrong, he’d hurt Remus by letting him know about his doubts over his loyalty. And if his suspicions were correct, even in the slightest, he’d rather keep Remus close, where he could keep an eye on him rather than have him disappear Merlin knows where to. Either way, it was too risky. It was James, Lily, and Harry's lives that were on the line, and Sirius wasn’t going to risk his family, even if that meant having to lie to the man he loved.

When Remus was home, Sirius would spend his time nose deep into Order businesses, researching, studying, or just pretending to be reading some important papers, both to keep his mind busy and to prevent openings for any kind of conversation. When Remus was gone, Sirius would stare into the walls and think. He would turn over the last year in his head, sometimes the last decade, trying to put the puzzle together. He’d think about every ambush the Order had fallen into, about every time the Death Eaters seemed to be one step ahead of them, and about all the lives they’d lost in those encounters. He also thought back to their years at Hogwarts, though that was always more painful to do. Looking for clues of treason within the best years of their lives felt almost as if Sirius himself was the one betraying his friends, so he avoided it most times. But today he couldn’t help it.

It was Halloween, which reminded him of Hogwarts’ feasts and Gryffindor parties. He’d been lost inside his own head almost all day, not managing to get anything done. He missed having his friends around, getting pissed, and being simply happy. He missed having the other boys near to cheer him up, and having Moony hug him at nights when he couldn’t sleep. Now, even when Remus was home, the spaces between them were getting so deep that they could never quite reach each other. He missed curling up inside of his embrace, feeling protected and loved. He missed a time when he’d trust Remus with every bit of who he was; it was so easy, it felt so safe. And though Remus was never so quick to pour out his heart to Sirius, they still managed to get the important stuff out in the open, at least between the two of them. Then he thought about every single secret Remus had kept from him, and how he’d always been a natural liar.

Back when they were young and safe, he’d found Remus’ secrets a cool mystery he’d be always eager to unpack; now, all of those secrets seemed to weigh as proof of how good at deceiving the other man could be when he put his mind to it. He also thought about every time Remus was a little too passionate about the murderous packs of werewolves he’d infiltrated. Not that Sirius had any sort of prejudice towards werewolves (he had been best friends with one over half of his life, after all), it’s just that Remus seemed to be getting too attached to the packs that were actively out to serve Voldemort and kill people. At least that’s what Sirius kept telling himself in order to justify his mistrust.

But wanting to keep an eye on Remus wasn’t the only reason why Sirius wouldn’t verbalize his suspicions to anyone. Saying it out loud made it all too real to be bearable, and brought the risk of losing his Moony a hundred steps closer to reality. His Moony…Yes, Sirius thought, it seems not even all of his suspicions could make that feeling go away. He still loved his Moony with every bone under his skin, and he would keep him as close as he dared to, for as long as he could; he just couldn’t let go.

After hours of dwelling on his own doubts, he’d arrived at the same conclusion as he always did: he didn’t know. There was a spy among the Order of the Phoenix; Remus Lupin had enough reasons to be displeased with Dumbledore and was good enough with secrets. But, still, putting his friends in danger? Sirius couldn’t see how that made sense. Remus loved his friends. Remus loved him. Sirius didn’t doubt that but, at the same time, he no longer thought love was enough.

Once upon a time, Sirius Black had believed love was all that mattered. He had found love in the three boys he’d met when he was just eleven years old. When he was 16, he had left a house where he had never felt at home and had been welcomed into the Potters as if he’d been their own child; the love he felt from Effie and Monty Potter, and James, above anyone else, made him feel like nothing could ever drag him down. But love wasn’t enough in war. It didn’t save lives and it couldn’t keep people from going into the wrong ways. More often than he’d expected, Sirius had lost people he’d cared about to either death or darkness. Or both. At that, his little brother came to mind, but Sirius quickly tried brushing over his memory. Thinking about Regulus would always make his insides twist into a million knots.

For a very long time, Sirius tortured himself, trying to pin down the moment he’d lost Regulus to their parents. He couldn’t blame his own running from home, James would point out, because Regulus was messing with the dark arts way before that. Maybe it had been the day Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor, or the first time he’d refused going home on Christmas break to spend it with the Potters. Sometimes, Sirius thought he’d never actually had Regulus in the first place; he’d never been his to lose. So, he just mourned him. Not the death eater who’d died for desertion, but the little boy who’d creep into his big brother’s bed in the middle of the night after having had a nightmare.

Sirius had been deep inside his thoughts for hours now, his reasoning of things getting him absolutely nowhere. He still didn’t trust Remus the way he once did, and he still didn’t know if there was anything he could have done differently in order to save his brother from himself. So, he resigned from trying to find reasons and decided it was time he made his weekly check-up on Peter, who’d been hiding at a safe house ever since he’d became James and Lily’s secret-keeper. He got up and went over to the kitchen, to have one last cup of tea before leaving.

As soon as he reached the kettle, though, he heard a sharp crack out in the street and stopped on his heels, waiting. Someone had apparated. Maybe it was Remus coming back sooner from the pack but at this time of the day that didn’t seem very likely. James, Lily and Peter were all in hiding and anyone else from the Order showing up unannounced could not be the bearer of good news. A knock sounded on the door and Sirius ran to it, not sure if he had the guts to answer.

“Who is it?” He had his hand on the knob but remembered Moody’s tireless speeches for them to be always alert.

“Sirius? It’s Mary! Hurry up, I need to talk!” Her voice was strange, a bit shook and high-pitched, but it was hers. Sirius was met with such a shock by having Mary show up he opened the door without even asking her a question. No one had heard from Mary since the McKinnons, but here she was, standing at his front door. Sirius stared at her for a second before returning to the reality of the war.

“What… ehh… Why were you mad at me at the beginning of sixth year?” He asked, not sure if the question sounded as stupid to her as it did to him.

“Because you’d forgotten my birthday. We were going to meet at Diagon Alley, but you never showed up.” She answered with a shadow of a smile passing through her face, as if she was remembering the terrible boyfriend Sirius had been to her, and how life was easier when that had been their most pressing concern.

“Come in, MacDonald.” He stepped aside, lowering his wand and walking her into his living room. “What’s wrong? No one’s heard from you in months and… you seem really shaken.”

“That’s because I am.” Her eyes were flying all over the place, not quite able to meet Sirius’. “Look, I know I disappeared, I just… couldn’t take it anymore.”

“S’all right, we figured. But what happened? You said it was urgent?”

“It is. You’re alone.” She observed. “Okay. I was scared I might not find any of you home, and I had no one else I trusted to go to.”

“Trusted with what, Mary?”

She took a deep breath and finally met his eyes, before saying in a very low voice. “Sirius, I… I think I know who the spy is.”

“What?” He felt his heart skip a beat, not sure if he wanted to stay and listen or run away and never know for sure. He’d been looking for that exact information for over a year now, living in torture of just imagining all different scenarios, but now he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted the answer.

“Listen, I can always be wrong, alright? You can’t freak out and you’ve got to listen to me all the way through, got it?”

He just nodded, not sure what’d come out if he tried to come up with words to say.

She walked him to the sofa, sitting both of them down, probably for stability. When she started talking, it was in a flow that got Sirius startled, trying to follow her line of thinking. Maybe if she stopped to breathe, he thought, she wouldn’t find the strength to start again.

“After Marlene… after it all went down, I spent weeks locked inside my bedroom reliving the last times I’d seen her in my head. What had I missed? Could I have helped her? You see, she was on to something, that much I knew. She wouldn’t tell me what it was, kept saying it was nothing, but I knew her and something was up. D’you remember that the day it happened, I was supposed to meet her for lunch? She’d been the one to arrange it between us; two days before she’d said she really needed to talk to me, but wouldn’t tell me why, only that it had to be in person. So, after she died, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it hadn’t been just a random death eater attack on Order members. There was something more to it, something Marlene knew and they wanted erased. So, I went digging. The house is still under their family name, I guess it must have gone to some relative, but no one has shown up to claim it yet. I went over and broke in."

“You what?”

“C’mon, that’s not important,” she said, irritated at the interruption. “I spent days there, Sirius, days. I went over every corner of that house, turned Marl’s bedroom upside down. I still don’t know where I got the strength to walk in there, but I did. It was a fucking nightmare but the longer I spent there, the more I knew there had to be something, somewhere.”

“And what did you find?”

“Well, nothing at first. It all seemed boringly normal, nothing out of the ordinary. I was almost giving up, to be honest. While I was tidying some of the mess I’d made, I found some parchment with some random notes on it. It didn’t make a lot of sense at first, but it was clearly about the whole spy thing. There were several notes on pointing to things to look after in a double agent, physical aspects like loss of weight, constant nervousness, and, of course, reason. It looked like Marlene had been doing some serious research on it. But there were no names, and I couldn’t think of anyone with a reason to betray the cause. The notes were also talking about the possible spy being someone who’d avoid being in direct conflict and who’d try to keep a low profile, even within the Order. I’m not quite sure what Marlene’s reasoning was over all of it, but it made sense. There was a little side note that made absolutely no sense to me, some exclamation points on it.

“Ok, so she probably was killed off because she was nosing into whoever the spy is, I get that,” Sirius was getting irritated with all the explanation; he wanted a direct answer. “But did she actually manage to find out?”

“Hold on, Black, I’m getting there.” Mary snapped at him, “As I was saying, I needed to investigate more, so I went through her notes and I made my own, I looked into every single Order member and looked for patterns of who was and who wasn’t present during meetings and during all those ambushes. There are only 3 people who were lucky enough to never be on duty when those happened. I stared at their names for weeks, trying to see if any of them would have any reason or would show any extra evidence pointing to them being responsible. Then I started going over everything I knew about those people, and that’s when it hit me… that one note in Marlene’s parchment that didn’t seem to make any sense, Sirius… there was this one word and, at first, I thought it was just an expression she used to describe the mole in the order… but now it makes so much sense.”

“Mary, in Godric’s name, can you get to whatever point you're trying to make already?” Sirius cut her, desperate.

Mary swallowed hard but held his gaze.

“I remembered how you lads would disappear with Remus during the full moons. You see, I knew you were with him, I just didn’t know how. Then in seventh year, at some point, I saw this huge black dog rooming through the grounds, and I just knew. I figured back then all of you must be something, but I thought it best not to ask since it was clearly not a very legal affair,” she raised one eyebrow with that. “But, now… Sirius, the word she had written down was ‘rat’”. She whispered the last word as if she almost couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud.

Sirius froze, not entirely sure he could grasp what she was saying. But as the seconds of silence turned into minutes, where Sirius couldn’t find the words to speak and Mary wouldn’t dare say anymore, his mind raced. It raced through every time Wormtail had been absent from missions he should have participated on, giving some work excuse, and every time he’d seemed way too interested in details he shouldn’t truly care about. It raced to McGonagall, during third year, explaining how one couldn’t choose their animagus form, because it was a reflection of who they were, same as their patronus. He looked back on the last few times he’d spoken to Peter, when the boy had seemed way too eager to take on the role of secret-keeper and agreed it was a good idea not to tell Remus about the switch, because the fewer people who knew about it, the better.

When Sirius finally spoke again, his voice still struggling to come out, he could feel his blood boiling in his veins as the last piece of the puzzle fell into place.

“Wormtail. Are you sure?” He asked, though Sirius was sure enough, himself.

Mary just nodded; sadness in her eyes. “I finally understood his nickname, and it just clicked for me. Whoever was passing intel to the death eaters was someone with more information than just what was spoken at meetings and briefings. It was someone who not simply was a part of the Order, but had enough friends inside to get details from different missions. Peter was one of the only three people who had never been unlucky enough to be in real peril of death. Out of those three, he was the only one with other Order members who I knew would trust him with their lives.”

Sirius felt the world falling from under his feet. Trust him with their lives. “And we did, Mary,” he whispered.

“What?”

“Trust him with our lives. Quite literally.” Sirius was already getting up, fetching his wand from the living room table. “Accio bike keys” he shouted, as he grabbed his leather jacket from its hanging by the door.

“Sirius, wait. Where are you going?” Mary got up too, looking alarmed.

“When James and Lily went into hiding, they decided to use the Fidelius Charm to keep them safe. I was going to be the secret-keeper, but we switched to Peter last minute, hoping it would serve the death eaters as a decoy.” He explained as he stumbled into the kitchen to look for something to leave a note to Remus, in case he came back earlier.

“Wait,” Mary was following him there “do you mean to tell me the one person with the ability to give the Potters to You-know-who is the spy?”

“Yes,” Sirius said shortly, as he scribbled through a piece of paper with a muggle pen he’d found in the kitchen drawer.

Moony, if I’m not home when you get back, go to Dumbledore and ask for help. Whatever you do, don’t trust Wormtail. Tell Dumbledore he’s James’ secret-keeper. We switched. I’ll explain when I can. He’s also the spy. Marlene figured it out, her and Mary. I’m going to warn James and Lily. Be safe.

He stopped writing, thinking that should do it for now and he would explain it all later. He stared at the message one last time, before finishing it.

I love you.

Padfoot.

Those last four words felt to Sirius like a cry for help and forgiveness. He hated himself more than he’d ever hated anything before. The relief he was feeling from understanding Remus had never betrayed them was tainted with regret and self-loathe for having ever considered it. Besides, having one friend betray you instead of another doesn’t exactly provide you with a happy ending.

Right now, he needed to get to James as fast as he could. He turned to Mary.

“I’m not sure how it’ll work for you with the house being under the charm. I can find them because I had Peter tell me the secret before he himself went into hiding.”

“Is Peter under any kind of spell?”

“No, he’s just at a safe house, about 20 minutes away from the Potters’, but there’s no Fidelius on that.”

“Then I’ll go to him.” She said firmly.

“Are you mad? You’re not facing him alone.” Sirius stared at her.

“You think I’m scared of Peter?”

“MacDonald, didn’t you just spend an hour telling me he’s a fucking death eater? And besides, I’d like to beat the living shit out of the fucking bastard, myself.” Sirius was boiling with anger. Peter had been his brother since they were eleven years old, and just the thought of him being the one to deliver James to Voldemort made him feel sick.

“He killed Marlene, Black!” Mary spat on his face. “Marlene! She helped him with his homework, she played chess and got drunk with him! She tended to his wounds whenever his clumsy arse would mess up some potion or spell or fall off his bloody broom! And he killed her.” She started crying for the first time that night. Looking in hindsight, it amazed Sirius how neither of them had fallen apart yet. He reached out and hugged her tight, trying to get her body to stop shaking. Tears started filling up his own eyes, but he blinked them away. He needed to get to James, and he needed a clear mind for that.

When he finally let go of her, he grabbed another piece of paper and started writing again.

“Alright, listen to me. This is the address. Go there and keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t leave. Don’t approach him, Mary, I mean it. Wait for me, please. I’ll get James, Lily and Harry somewhere safe and then I’ll come back to join you. And we’ll get the little rat together, d’you hear me? If he tries to leave or run away, you can attack, but other than that, just keep an eye on him.”

She grabbed the paper he handed to her and nodded, apparently settling for sharing Peter’s blood with Sirius.

“Let’s go on my bike. From the Potters' cottage, it’s only a 20-minute walk to Peter’s. It’s better if he doesn’t hear anyone apparating nearby.”

She agreed and they left the flat, going over to Sirius’ garage. He’d left his note for Remus floating in the air, right above the couch, so as to be seen as soon as Moony walked into the living room. He wished he could just send him a message via Patronus, but that might not be very well received by the pack he was staying with, so he just hoped Remus would come back home soon.

Getting to the garage with that thought still in mind, he had another idea.

“Expecto Patronum.” He flicked his wand and a silver dog shot out of it. He whispered to it a similar message to the one he had left Remus, just enough details to get them aware of the danger. They couldn’t use their communication mirrors, since Sirius had been holding on to both of them ever since James and Lily had gone into hiding. They’d agreed that it’d be safer to cut down the number of ways available for reaching the Potters. Now, Sirius hoped his Patronus would get through the Fidelius Charm.

“Find Prongs,” he commanded to the dog before it went off into the night.

Sirius got on his bike, turned it on, and motioned for Mary to climb behind him. They shot into the night, with Sirius taking it straight off the ground, not even caring if there were any muggles paying attention. He cut through the cold air, remembering he hadn’t spoken to James in at least a couple of weeks. Sirius only hoped it wasn’t too late.

Chapter Text

James Potter was sitting on the floor of his living room, back against the sofa, with his one-year-old son playing with his Gryffindor scarf. He looked at the little thing laughing at the bright red and gold colours and smiled. No matter how dark the war had made their lives into, looking at Harry would always make him smile. He was a bundle of joy and peace, with his mother’s eyes shining at every new discovery and the curious spirit that sometimes resembled more his godfather than his actual father. His hair, though, was starting to grow into every possible direction, which is why Sirius had taken to calling him Pronglet. James sighed a little at the thought of his best friend and wished Sirius could be there by his side.

Lily walked into the room and came to sit on the sofa, next to where James’ head had settled. He then directed his newfound smile to her and she grinned back at him. Resting her hand on his hair, she started running her fingers through it and he relaxed under her touch. Holding his son close to his chest now, and with the woman he loved caressing his curls, James could almost pretend they were living an ordinary life, instead of being in hiding. Closing his eyes, he could see himself walking over to the kitchen, where he’d be able to find Sirius and Lily cooking and laughing together, while Remus and Peter would be spoiling Harry with chocolate while Lily wasn’t looking. James thought about those people, who he loved so intensely that he’d be willing to step in front of a curse for any of them. It hurt deeply to think about how long it had been since the last time they were all in the same room, warmed up just by the fireplace and by being close to each other.

“Daydreaming, Potter?” Lily was looking at him, a loving smile on her face as she continued to stroke his hair.

“Hardly daydreaming at this hour, Evans.” He smirked at her. They’d been married for nearly three years now, and though she’d taken his name, he continued to call her Evans.

“Just missing everyone, really,” James replied, sadly.

“I know, I miss them too.” She leaned over and kissed him briefly. “Don’t worry love, we’ll all be together again soon.” She said those words with such kindness and fearlessness that he instantly believed her. Lily Evans Potter had that power over people. She brought hope and the feeling of safety into any room she walked into, making sure everyone felt protected and loved by her. James reached over with one of his hands and stroked her cheek, admiring the amazing woman she’d become. They stayed like that for a while, looking into each other’s eyes, sharing love and reassurance of a better future, until James felt the weight on his chest doze off to sleep. He looked up at the clock, it was 9:00 p.m.

“Past his bedtime,” he said, and made to stand up.

But his attempt to get up and get Harry to his crib was interrupted by a silver dog jumping through the window.

Lily got to her feet at once, and James followed as fast as he could, holding his son close to his body.

“Padfoot?” He gasped.

“Prongs,” The silver dog answered. “Stay alert. I’m going to get you. I have reason to believe Peter’s betrayed us, and he’s the spy. Get whatever you need from the house and wait. Stay safe, I’m on my way.” The dog vanished and James felt all the air leave his body. He stared blankly ahead for some time until he felt Lily’s grasp on his arm.

“James? James?” she was calling, a very unusual note of fear in her voice. “What was Sirius on about?”

“I don’t know,” he finally managed to say, trying to make sense of his thoughts. “What does he mean Peter’s the spy? I mean, it’s Wormtail!”

“I know, but Sirius must have some reason to believe that…” but James didn’t really hear what she was trying to say; he kept on rumbling.

“Padfoot ought to be drunk or something. I mean, I know he’s been paranoid for months, but openly doubting our best friend’s loyalty is going too far, even for him! I ought to have a chat with him, I mean, how can he suspect Wormy?! He’s our brother!”

“James, James!” Lily said louder now, holding both of his shoulders, “stop for a second, will you? I agree with you, I think Sirius has lost it. But we’re still at war, and Voldemort is after Harry.” At the mention of his son’s name, James seemed to get his feet back on the ground and realise he was still holding the kid very tightly against his chest. He leaned down and kissed the top of Harry’s sleeping head, while his own was spiraling into a million different thoughts.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” Lily was saying again, very calmly as if they were back at Hogwarts and Head Girl Evans was just organizing the prefects in their round shifts. “You keep holding on to Harry. Grab your wand and stay alert. I’ll go upstairs, get our pre-packed emergency bag and fill it up with whatever else I think we might need to get away.”

“We have a pre-packed emergency bag?” James asked, amused at his wife’s preparation in spite of the urgency of the situation.

“Of course, we do,” Lily dismissed the comment with a movement of her hand as if that was an obvious thing to be had. “As I was saying, I’ll finish that packing and then we’ll wait for Sirius. He must be arriving soon.”

“Okay,” James nodded as she walked out of the living room. He held on to Harry and reached for his wand on top of the fireplace mantel. He paced a bit as he heard Lily working her way upstairs. He tried very hard not to think about what Sirius’ message meant. It couldn’t be right, Wormtail would never betray them, none of them would ever do something like that to each other.

It was nearly 10:30 p.m. when James heard the distinct sound of Sirius’ bike descending from the sky. Lily recognised it too because she rushed down to the living room, two old school bags on her hand, no doubt containing extension spells to hold as many belongings as they could. When James went over to the window to watch the landing, he noticed Sirius had company, and it wasn’t Remus. The second passenger climbed down from behind Sirius and looked around. They didn’t seem to be able to see the Potters’ house, but they also didn’t stick around for very long. James stared as the strange figure made their way down the street even before Sirius had climbed off the bike himself. When he knocked on the door, Lily, who was clearly in a clearer state of mind to be asking questions, made the safety check-up.

“Black?” She inquired.

“Yes.” The other man answered from the other side of the door.

“What was your first name suggestion when we told you we were having a boy?”

Sirius gave a short laugh before answering, “David, but I guess you two twats don’t care enough about good music to honor a legend.”

Lily opened the door and James watched as Sirius stepped in and enveloped her in a tight hug, clearly relieved to see her safe and sound. “I came as fast as I could.” He was saying as he let her go and rushed over to James. He kissed Harry’s sleeping form and hugged James with the kid being held between the two.

“Are you all set up to leave, mate?” He asked as he let go of James and looked at the bags Lily had left by the sofa. “We should get going, I’m not sure for how much longer you’ll be safe here.”

“Padfoot!” James put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder to calm him down, “What the hell is going on? What are you on about Wormtail?”

Sirius’ face went rigid at the mentioning of Peter. “Mary’s the one who found out. She found some notes at the McKinnon’s. Apparently, Marlene had figured it all out first, and that’s why her entire family was wiped away.” He was speaking in a very low voice, and there was hate in it; hate that James had never heard coming from Sirius.

“Mary? Was she the person who arrived with you on the bike?”

“Yes, she went to keep an eye on Pettigrew,” Sirius said, dismissively.

“Sirius, this is Peter we’re talking about! This is insane!” James was incredulous. He had been friends with Peter his entire life and while the boy hadn’t been the bravest kid to ever walk into Gryffindor tower, he was loyal. “He kept our secrets our entire lives, he became an illegal animagus for Remus, he… he… he’s Peter, Sirius!”

“You think I don’t know that?” Sirius shouted, tears in his eyes now, “You think I don’t want to be wrong? Fuck’s sake, James, I loved him too, you know? I’m the one who suggested making him secret-keeper, I trusted him with the most important people in my life. I knew there was someone leaking information from the Order but I never thought it would be Peter.”

“And what changed your mind? You say Mary ‘figured it out’! Does she have proof?”

Sirius seemed to hesitate at that.

“Not… exactly. It’s more of an abstract conclusion.” His voice was quieter now as if he knew that wouldn’t be enough to convince James.

“Abstract conclusion, are you joking? I should’ve known I shouldn’t have trusted your story.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me?” Sirius said, hurt in his voice.

“I’m saying I don’t believe your story.” James said, very soberly, “I mean, Pete’s not the first of us you put a question mark on, is he, Black? Who’s next on your list of possible spies? Me?”

James could see Sirius’ jaw clenching a bit, and he hesitated before answering “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Come on, Sirius! You didn’t say anything but I know you all too well. I saw the way you were pushing Remus away, not wanting to tell him about Peter being made secret-keeper, saying it’d be safer if the only people who knew about it were the ones directly involved in it. I get not wanting to tell Dumbledore or the rest of the Order, but keeping it from Remus? You thought he was the spy, didn’t you?”

“I… I made a mistake. I see that now.” His voice was shaking in a mix of regret and fear.

“A mistake? It’s Moony, Sirius!! Our best friend and your fucking boyfriend!”

“James, I know I messed up. But it’s not the same thing with Wormtail, you have to hear me out!”

“I’ll hear you out when you start making sense.”

“Look,” Sirius was trying to calm James down now, clearly wanting to get him to agree with him on some level. “Let’s get out of here, go somewhere else and then we can talk and I’ll explain everything. The important thing is that I know I was wrong about Moony and, trust me, I hate myself for ever even thinking that he’d do anything to hurt us. I was stupid and I was a thick-headed prick who gave into a prejudice I didn’t even know I had in me. But I’m not wrong about bloody Wormtail! Just come with me and we’ll sort it all out later.”

“Go with you where, Padfoot? Do you even know where we’re going?”

“Ehh… not really.”

“Sirius!”

“Look, I just need to get you three out of here. We can go to mine tonight and then we’ll look for somewhere else. It’s not perfect but it’s also too obvious for anyone to think you’d hide there.”

“Sirius…”

“James, please.” There was desperation in his voice now, and pleading in his eyes. James didn’t believe the slightest bit of what Sirius was trying to tell him, but he could see that Sirius believed it, “I just want to keep you safe, I’m sure you know that. D’you trust me?”

“I don’t believe your story,” James said, simply.

“I know that. But do you trust me?”

James looked into his best friend’s eyes. That man was his brother, and, no matter how delusional he sounded right now, there was no one else in the world in whom he’d ever trust as much as he did Sirius. “I do.”

“Then come with me.”

James took a deep breath, in and out. He looked over at Lily, who had been absolutely quiet during all the madness; she just nodded.

“Alright, mate,” he gave in and saw the relief washing over Sirius’ face, as he grabbed the bags and walked over to Lily, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Lils, can you get James’ broomstick?”

“Yes,” and she went over to the cupboard under the stairs.

“I’m taking the bike with Lily and Harry; James, you stay close to us, I’m not letting my eyes off of any of you tonight.”

“Pads,” James walked over to Sirius. “Calm down, I know you’re freaking out but even if you’re right, what are the odds of something happening tonight?”

“I’m not taking chances with my family, Prongs.”

And with that, Sirius turned around and went outside with the bags, to put them inside his motorbike’s sidecar and prepare some space to accommodate his godson.

James was finally left alone with his thoughts, with only the sleeping boy for company. He looked over at the fireplace mantel where they kept a few pictures. There was one of him and Lily with his parents on their wedding day; one of him, Lily, and Harry by the Christmas tree last year; and there was one of four boys, all about fourteen, messing with each other and laughing at the camera.

All four of the marauders had a copy of that photo. It was a sunny day, and James wasn’t sure who’d taken the picture; probably some first year, eager to be noticed by the school’s famous pranksters. It was a simple afternoon and Sirius had borrowed Mary’s camera to, in his words, register a group that would likely end up being a part of some future edition of Hogwarts: A History. James stared at the faces of his three best friends. Those were the people he trusted with his life, they were part of who he was and he couldn’t in a million years imagine a reason for any of them to want him dead. Yet, here he was, ready to act on Sirius’ suspicions on one of them because, whether he’d ever admit to it or not, he’d follow Sirius Black to the ends of the world.

Lily came back holding James’ broom. She put it on the sofa and approached him, while Sirius was still outside.

“I know what you’re thinking.” She said as she finally took Harry from his arms. Her eyes were filled with understanding and determination. “James, don’t beat yourself too much about it. We’re just trying to protect our son, our family, and Sirius is doing the same. Whether Peter’s trust is or isn’t to be considered of value, we’ll discuss later. We’re at war, darling. It’s okay to act first and think later.”

She rested her hand on his cheek and he leaned on it, placing a small kiss on her palm, thanking every single star in the sky for Lily.

Sirius came back inside. “Everything settled. You ready?”

“Yes, alright.” James grabbed his broom from where Lily had dropped it and followed the other two outside. He had just mounted on it when a silver animal came running from down the street. He looked at Sirius who seemed just as confused as he was, but it was Lily who spoke.

“That’s Mary’s.”

And just as she had finished her comment, the giant Lioness stopped to a halt in front of them. When her mouth opened, it was, indeed, MacDonald’s voice that came out of it.

“Peter’s not here, but there are no signs of struggle so he must’ve left by his own will. I’m going to warn Dumbledore.”

James froze on the spot. Peter had had specific directions not to leave his premises under any circumstances. Sirius would drop by once a week to leave provisions.

“Wasn’t today the day you were supposed to check on him?”

“Yes. But Mary showed up before I could leave, and afterward, I just wanted to get to you.” They stared at each other for a moment. “James, he… he shouldn’t have left,” Sirius said as his face grew paler under the moonlight. At that moment, James realised Sirius had still been holding on to hope that Mary’s theory was wrong. But the last of that hope seemed to vanish with the colour of his face. If Peter had left his safe house, that meant putting his friend’s family in danger. It meant he didn’t care.

“Let’s go,” James said, as Lily quickly climbed behind Sirius on the bike. Harry had been safely tugged inside the sidecar, protection spells holding him in place. Sirius started his bike, and James took his broom off the ground. They were high in the sky in a matter of seconds, and the cold wind of the night was the only thing preventing James’ face from getting wet by the tears coming out of his eyes.

Chapter Text

Peter Pettigrew was there, watching as his entire plan crumbled to ashes.

At 9:30 p.m., on Halloween, 1981, he had left the cottage he’d been hiding in for the past several weeks and went over to the Potters’. He’d cast a Disillusionment Charm on himself, and kept guard from a couple of houses away. He needed to make sure it all went according to the Dark Lord’s plan. He’d risked far too much for any of it to go south. He watched from afar as James and Lily, their living room windows wide open, lived their lives unpreoccupied, not a clue of what was coming for them.

Peter felt something deep in his stomach, but it wasn’t exactly guilt. It was a feeling that resembled a grief of some sort, but not for the people he knew were about to die; it was grief for the years of his life when it all had been simple and uncomplicated. Back at Hogwarts, when his friends weren’t yet talking about fighting a war to save muggles or whatever, but were planning pranks and having a laugh. He grieved for the times when he’d felt genuinely loved by the other three boys, before James finally got what he wanted and started going out with Lily, and before Remus and Sirius started doing whatever it was that they were doing. When they’d been just four best friends sharing a dorm with a real future ahead of them, only worried about not getting detention for the next prank.

Peter had loved them, back then; he was sure of that. He’d shared secrets with them, and had fun and planned for the future. He’d even willingly gone through the process of becoming an animagus to keep Remus company, though that had also held the possibility of adventure and mischief to make it more appealing. So, yes, he had loved them, once. But at some point, he’d stopped. He couldn’t quite put his finger at when had been the last time he’d truly cared about any of them. All he could remember was forcing smiles at James and Lily’s wedding and at Harry’s birth, feeling more and more left out as the years went by and the war grew denser around them.

When the opportunity showed itself to him in the shape of two Death Eaters approaching him, smoothly at first, to see how deep his loyalties to the Order lied, he realised he wasn’t even sure if he still had any thread of it left. He’d joined the Order, in the first place, more out of following his friend’s footsteps than out of his own desire, and that had been when Dumbledore’s odds were still good.

Now, the Order of the Phoenix had a rather high rate of casualties to Peter’s liking, and he honestly didn’t know how much he still cared about their cause. What had muggles ever done for him, anyway?

So, he started off small, passing information to Death Eaters who were infiltrated in the Ministry. For a while he tried to convince himself he was merely cultivating friends in both sides, just in case. When people would get hurt due to information he had provided, he’d tell himself that it would have happened whether he’d been the one to give off the intelligence or not; the Death Eaters would find a way to mole the Order through someone else.

The night Dorcas Meadows got killed and James was gravely injured, Peter cried himself to sleep. Not because his oldest friend had just barely escaped death and someone else hadn’t been so lucky, but because he realised he didn’t care anymore. The Dark Lord was growing in strength everywhere and, if James Potter’s death meant Peter would gain his trust, and hence better odds of surviving, then so be it.

Now, as he watched the man who had trusted him with his entire family’s life, Peter didn’t feel sorry at all. Maybe if there hadn’t been a war creeping in and if his friends had cared more about him rather than snogging each other and saving bloody muggles, then Peter’s love for them might have survived. But it did him no good to dwell on what ifs, so he simply watched, waiting for the night to unfold.

He had been hiding there for almost an hour when he heard the clear noise of a machine approaching from somewhere above. Peter felt his blood freezing for a second; he’d know the sound of Sirius’ motorbike anywhere. He looked up and there it was, descending from the sky at a worrisome speed. When it reached the ground, Peter could see Black wasn’t alone, there was someone else hooping from the machine and instantly making their way up the street, in the direction of Peter’s own safe house. When the person got a bit closer to a street light, Peter could distinguish the features of Mary MacDonald. She ran past him, not seeing him thanks to his Disillusionment Charm, and she had a determined and fearsome look on her.

His stomach twisted; he watched her run off as Sirius climbed down from his bike and made to the Potter’s front door, answering a verification question before he was let in by Lily. What the hell was Black doing there, and why was Mary going in the direction of Peter’s house? Sirius was the one meant to check on him today, and that wasn’t yet for at least another hour or so. Had they figured out that the Dark Lord was on his way? Did they know Peter had betrayed them?

He couldn’t go back to his place now, it was too late to get there before Mary without apparating, and in the state his nerves were, he wasn’t even sure he could do that without leaving half of his body behind. Besides, he needed to see what would happen, to make sure the Dark Lord would get there in time.

So, he stayed and watched as everything he’d spent so long planning for came crumbling down. Sirius and James seemed to be arguing in the living room for a while, though Peter couldn’t hear what they were saying. He watched as they prepared to leave and as a Patronus showed up to warn them about Peter being missing. He saw it all unfold unable to do anything about it. Maybe he could have dared to take on one of them, but not three at once. Besides, maybe he could still run to them for protection if the Dark Lord got too angry at him; maybe he could still convince them he had been captured or something. He didn’t know where they were going off to; they would never be so stupid as to go to Sirius’ flat, so it had to be somewhere else. Maybe if he gave them a day or so before making contact and then said he’d fled from Death Eaters who were trying to catch him, he might buy himself some trust and protection from his old mates. James was very quick to trust people, especially his friends, so he might have a got shot there.

He kept hidden until they all disappeared into the night. He then transformed into a rat and ran away himself, hoping there was some place in the world he’d be able to hide from the Dark Lord’s rage once he got to Godric’s Hollow only to find out the Potters weren’t there anymore, and Peter had failed him.

Chapter Text

Lily Evans Potter was not a woman to ever go quiet. She was loud, outspoken, and confident in what she had to say, and she always had something to say. But not that night. That Halloween night, her throat felt heavy and her head couldn’t quite make sense of what was happening. She had been able to calm James down a couple of times, but that had been just her automatic survival mode, where she felt like she needed to issue orders and directions, and keep moving in order to be able to breathe. Aside from that, where feelings were concerned, she didn’t seem capable of forming any kind of coherent thought, and every time her brain was starting to come up with a sentence that she might be able to use her voice for, it was cut short by either fear or grief. Fear for the child. Grief for her friend.

James and Sirius, on the other hand, were talking as if their lives depended on it. She wasn’t sure they were even listening to each other, or to themselves for that matter, because they kept repeating the same things, over and over again. And though their words changed every time they said something, the message was always the same: “How could he?”

“We’ve all been like brothers since we were eleven, he’s been with us through everything…” James was saying as they climbed the stairs leading to Sirius’ flat.

“We would have died for him if it had come to it!” Sirius was mumbling through his teeth as he walked to the sofa and plucked a note that had been hanging in the air over it, stashing it in his pocket.

“We defended him our entire lives,” James was locking the door.

“We loved him! We stood by him,” Sirius was casting protection hexes over the fireplace so that no one might access it through floo, even though Lily knew they had already disconnected it from the network months ago.

“We trusted him.” James was walking up and down the room, blocking windows with extra protection spells.

“How could he do something like that?”

“Why would he do something like that?”

“Did he ever care about us?”

“Do you think he was forced into doing it, somehow?”

“Since when do you think he’s been at it?”

“We trusted him with everything!”

“We loved him!” Sirius cast the last spell and stared at James, who had finally stopped pacing the room like a maniac.

They eyed each other for a while as if trying to find the answers they were looking for. The two men fell completely silent and stood there for a while until they eventually went to sit down on the couch, where Lily had accommodated herself with Harry. James put his arm around her back and held tight. Sirius was on the other side of him, head in his hands.

Sirius had cried back in their house and though Lily hadn’t seen James do the same, his eyes were clearly swollen. But she hadn’t shed a tear.

She felt numb, almost as if all her life had left her body the minute Sirius’ Patronus burst into her living room. Now they were all sitting there, waiting to hear a word from Mary or Dumbledore or someone, and the lack of action or movement was almost unbearable.

At some point, Sirius was explaining everything Mary had told him, the things Marlene had found out, and why that was probably why her entire family had been killed off. Lily was only half-listening to him, not sure knowing any of that would do her any good. It just added numbers to the count of deaths under Peter’s name; it just broke her heart a little further. When Sirius finished talking, they fell silent again; James clearly couldn’t bring himself to add anything and Lily didn’t feel like she had the voice to do so. They just went back to waiting.

Just before the clock was setting at 1 am, they heard the familiar crack of someone apparating by the end of the street, quickly followed by footsteps on the stairs. The three 21-year-olds jumped to their feet, wands in hand. Sirius went over to the door and, after checking with a few safety questions, he let the newcomer inside.

“Good evening, I must say it is a relief to find you all safe and unharmed,” Dumbledore was saying as he made his way through the flat, though the only expression Lily could register in his face was his never disturbed calmness as if he’d never been worried in the first place.

“Professor, I take it Mary has filled you in on what’s happened,” Sirius said as he locked the door again.

“Yes, she has. And may I say that what you gentlemen did was quite reckless. While I admire your attempt to add extra layers of protection by using Sirius as a decoy while Mr Pettigrew held the actual secret, not telling me was a really dangerous move. Had something happened to this young family, I might not have been able to protect you from being charged for it, Mr Black.”

“I’m sure you would have given me a fair trial,” Sirius replied.

“Surely,” the old man said simply, giving Sirius a small smile.

“Very well, as I’m sure Ms MacDonald has already filled you in about her looking into Mr Pettigrew, I’ll not waste our precious time on that. And while her conclusions alone are not enough to actually point fingers, the events of tonight are.”

“You mean Peter not being in his hiding place?” James frowned at him.

“That and what happened afterwards, Mr Potter.” Dumbledore paused for a moment, almost as if he took pleasure from leaving so many cliffhangers.

“Merlin’s sake, spit it up already.” Sirius clearly wasn’t in a mood for the old man’s mysterious ways tonight, and Dumbledore gave him an unpreoccupied look as if he truly couldn’t care less about Sirius’ nerves.

“It seems you all have been very lucky when it comes to timing, tonight. You see, about an hour ago, probably shortly after Mr Black came to the rescue, your Godric’s Hollow home was destroyed. Blown up in the air, to put it more graphicly.”

“What?” James’ voice was shaking.

“I’m very sorry, James.”

“Do we know for sure it was them?” James asked, though Lily didn’t see the point in doubting that.

“While there was no Dark Mark floating above it, for there were no casualties to be claimed, the revelations of Peter Pettigrew being your secret-keeper, Mary’s research on the spy, and the fact that he was missing from where he was supposed to be hiding leaves no doubts. He is truly working for Voldemort, who I strongly believe was himself responsible for the destruction tonight, after arriving at his victim’s house only to find it empty.”

The room went very still for a minute after that, and Lily was highly aware of James’ heavy breathing and Sirius standing petrified in the middle of the room. The cold statics in the air was broken only by Harry, who finally began waking up.

It had been a wonder he had kept quiet during all of the madness back in Godric’s Hollow and throughout all the flying, shouting and pacing. Now, the sound of her son’s cry seemed to finally snap Lily back to reality for the first time that night. She felt her body weight on her, and sat back on the sofa. The realization that the one-year-old in her arms could've been dead if it hadn’t been for timing was enough to wake her from the trance she had been in, and she finally felt the tears pouring out of her eyes, as she hugged Harry tight and her entire body began to shake.

“That bastard,” she heard herself saying, as James came to join her and pulled her onto him. The three of them cried together; parents holding their child between them as if their bodies would be enough to shield him from any danger.

No one interrupted them or tried to get their attention back. Lily could hear Dumbledore talking again, after a while, but he was addressing Sirius and she left his words to hang in the background of her mind, not really worried about registering anything.

“I’ll be looking into a new hiding place for them, and maybe it’d be safe if you went along this time.”

“I’d have to wait for Remus to come back.” Sirius was saying, and Lily realised his voice was just as hollow as she had felt all night long. Padfoot was now taking it upon himself to keep a clear mind for the lot of them, and Lily was grateful for that.

“I understand that, and it might take me a few days to find a new place, anyway. Meanwhile, you are all to stay here. It’s laughable how obvious this place is, so I believe as long you keep yourselves inside you should be safe, at least for this week.”

“Alright.”

“If Pettigrew attempts to make contact n any way, do not answer him and alert me immediately.”

“Got it.”

“I’ll send you provisions every other day, so you don’t feel tempted to leave under any circumstances. Let’s avoid having people come in and out of this place in the meantime. We better give the impression that no one is in. I also suggest you all take turns keeping guard, just in case.”

“Understood.”

“Very well, Mr Black. Since we’re agreed, I’ll be on my way.”

But as Lily heard the headmaster moving towards the door, James pulled away from her and Harry.

“Dumbledore.” He called, his voice loud and clear.

Lily looked up and watched as the man stopped, surprised by James’ resurfacing into the scene.

“Yes, Mr Potter?”

“I’d like to have my cloak back, if you please,” and, in spite of the politeness of the request, Lily noticed her husband wasn’t even asking. He was simply making a statement that his invisibility cloak would be returned to him. Dumbledore looked at him, and for a moment Lily thought she had seen the professor hesitate, but that was gone before she could even blink; the eyes under the half-moon spectacles were gleaming with tranquillity.

“Of course. I’ll have it delivered to you by tomorrow.”

James nodded, as Dumbledore turned back again and made to the door. He bid them all farewell before leaving, and a few seconds passed before they could hear the crack out in the street, and they were alone once again.

They stared at each other for what must have been the thousandth time in the last few hours, in complete silence. Harry was awake but he wasn’t crying anymore.

Lily looked at the two men standing in front of her. If Peter’s betrayal had been painful for her, she couldn’t begin to grasp how it must feel for them.

Sirius was the first to break the tension, clearly still feeling like it was his turn to take charge of the situation.

“I’ll take the first shift. Until the morning. You two get some sleep if you can.”

“I don’t think any of us will be sleeping tonight,” Lily said, gently.

“Yeah, I guess not. But regardless, you should at least let your guards down for a while, try to rest a bit. I’ll take Harry. He doesn’t look like he’s going back to sleep any time soon, anyway. And I could use the company.”

Lily just nodded. She looked over at James, but he was just watching Sirius. She couldn’t quite read his face, but she didn’t really have to, because a moment later he was walking across the room to his friend. Sirius responded immediately as if he had been waiting for that all night; he opened his arms to receive James and the two men hugged as if they were two little boys who were scared of the dark.

They hung to each other as if letting go meant they’d be breaking into a million pieces. Lily could no longer see any of their faces, and though James was a bit taller, meaning he had to bend to hide in Sirius, they both did it with such ease that, if the circumstances were different, it would have been heart-warming to anyone watching.

Lily just waited until they finally broke apart, both faces red and wet. She then walked over to them and placed Harry in his godfather’s arms. Sirius held the child as if he’d been doing that his entire life, in a loving and protective way. He gave Lily a kiss on the cheek and she repaid him with the same, whispering a quick “Thank you, Pads” before stepping away and grabbing James’ hand.

They walked over to Remus and Sirius’ bedroom and settled on the bed; over the covers because none of them felt like getting too comfortable. When they laid down, Lily let James curl into her and held him tight as his entire body began shaking.

“I’m so sorry, love.” she whispered, as her tears fell silently into his hair.

Chapter Text

Remus Lupin had two Mars bars in one hand and a lot of determination to open his front door in the other. He tried his keys and some physical labour, at first thinking it was the swollen wood making it hard for him to get in. After a couple of attempts, though, he realised there must be something else keeping the door in place. He thought he could hear footsteps coming from the inside.

He shouted “Padfoot? You in?”

A second later he heard Sirius’ voice coming from behind the door.

“Remus? That you?”

“Yes. The bloody door won’t open, what have you done to it? C’mon, let me in!”

“Err,” there was hesitation in Sirius’ voice, and Remus felt his heart drop through the floor with the short silence that followed. Was Sirius… kicking him out? He had left for the pack all those weeks ago hoping some time apart would do them good and help them work things out in their relationship. He hadn’t thought of that space as an opportunity for Sirius to think things over and want him gone by the time he got back. He took a step back, trying to keep his balance, and considered just walking away but before he could think twice about doing so, Sirius spoke again.

“Moony, when was the first time I felt… something for you?” Sirius sounded awkward asking that, as if he wanted to keep his voice as low as he could, despite having to get the sound through the door.

Remus was taken aback by the question. Was that really an identifying question?

“That Christmas at the Potters when I put my hand on your shoulder to calm you down because you thought it was your mother showing up at the front door again,” he replied, eager to get in and find out what the hell had happened while he was gone.

He heard Sirius murmuring spells, and when the door finally was flung open, he didn’t even get a chance to look inside before Sirius pulled him to himself, holding his face in his hands and kissing him deeply and desperately, kicking the door shut with his boot.

Remus felt his heart rejoice at the thought that his time away had truly done its job, and Sirius was his again. He’d missed him so much, not only in the last weeks but in the last year; they’d been so far apart from each other in every way that mattered. He kissed him back, eyes closed, taking in the moment. But that only lasted for a few seconds before Sirius stepped back and Remus finally looked around. James and Lily were watching from the couch, little Harry sleeping on a bundle of blankets next to them.

Then, Remus remembered Sirius’ reluctance to giving him entry and the protection spells all over the place. He could easily smell them, now that he knew what he was looking for. And it hit him: James and Lily shouldn’t be there; they should be in hiding. So, something had happened.

Sirius was already locking the door again, and Remus stared at his friends without knowing what to do.

Lily just got to her feet and ran to him, crashing against his chest and holding him around the waist. He hugged her back, taking in the scent of her hair and the comfort of having her around. God, he’d missed her so much.

When she finally let go of him, Prongs was already there, too, and didn’t even allow Remus any sort of recomposing moment before pulling him into one of his big James Potter hugs.

Once Remus could finally stand without any new physical contact assaults, he took a good look at the faces around him. They looked relieved to see him, but they didn’t seem happy. There was something hanging in the air of that living room, and Remus wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was.

He inhaled deeply to try and get the air properly in and out of his lungs, getting his head as clear as it could get before asking.

“What happened?”

The other three looked at each other, clearly expecting someone to say the first word. The silence was deadly.

“Fuck’s sake, can someone say something?”

Lily was the first to grow some nerves and start talking.

“A couple of nights ago, Voldemort blew up our safe house. Sirius got there just in time to warn us and bring us here before he got there.”

“What, but… how?” Remus felt his mind racing; fear and questions popping in and out of his head. He looked at Sirius, “You were secret-keeper, how could he find them? What happened?”

He didn’t mean it to be accusatory, but there was some guilt flashing in Sirius’ eyes.

“It was Peter,” Sirius almost whispered.

“Peter?” And Remus quickly registered that Wormtail was the only Marauder missing from the little gathering; his heart failed him for a moment. “They got Pete? They killed him??”

“No, no. He’s very much alive… I think,” Sirius was tripping all over his words, making absolutely no sense.

“You think?  What the hell do you mean by that?”

But no one answered again, and Remus felt a spark of irritation growing inside of him.

“Where the hell is Wormtail?” He demanded, feeling very queazy, now.

“Remus,” it was Lily again, clearly still looking for the right words, “They didn’t get  Peter. What we’re trying to say is… Peter is what happened to us.”

“What…”

“Peter was the secret-keeper,” she added quickly. “Sirius switched with him because the Death Eaters would never suspect Wormtail. But he had been spying on the Order for over a year by then, he betrayed us.”

“But… no, no!” He looked at Sirius, trying to get a different answer out of him, but he just lowered his eyes, not even able to keep Remus’ gaze.

Then Lily started explaining, and Remus fell to his knees as the whole world began to fall apart.

Sirius dived to give him some support, pulling him up and walking him over to the sofa so he could sit down. As Lily kept on talking about how Peter had been responsible for Dorcas, and Marlene, and Danny, and Merlin knows how many others, Remus felt his hand moving towards the sleeping figure by his side, holding the tiny hand and thinking about how on earth had the sweet and kind Peter he’d known half of his life been responsible for putting that little thing in Voldemort's hands.

It had taken him several hours to recover from the initial shock and to be able to actually understand what had happened. He had cried for a bit, and Sirius had held him for that. He’d cried Peter’s betrayal, and he’d cried over the realisation that, by very little, he hadn’t lost James, Lily, and Harry too.

Afterwards, they filled him in on what Dumbledore had instructed them to do, and Remus felt sick with the thought of just waiting. Especially for Dumbledore; for a man considered to be so astute, powerful, and full of wisdom, he seemed to let a lot of things slip. Sirius and James, much like the rest of the wizarding world, trusted Dumbledore far more than they should, he thought. In Remus’ experience, Dumbledore was very quick in his willingness to sacrifice individual lives if it meant he’d have his agenda accomplished by the end of the day.

After some very long hours in which Remus went from sadness to anger and to total emptiness about a hundred times, he finally got up and went over to the kitchen. He’d been starving ever since he’d arrived at the flat, but up until then, he didn’t feel like his stomach could keep anything down.

Sirius followed him in, and they companionly began preparing some dinner. Remus was grateful for both the company and the help; Sirius had always been the better cook.

“You alright, Moony?” Sirius was eyeing him while setting the oven.

Remus sighed a little, “I’m hungry, I’m tired, I- I don’t know. You?”

“Same.”

They went back to silence after that. Later, they set the table for four as Lily prepared Harry’s baby meal. Everyone ate dinner, but no one was very much in the mood for talking.

At around 11 pm, Remus felt his exhaustion reach its peak. Coming from the pack only to find his world turned to shambles when he got home was just too much. He went to have a shower and, after, when he got back to his bedroom, he found Sirius already waiting for him in bed. James would be on guard duty tonight, and Lily would sleep in the living room with Harry to keep him company.

So, he went to lay next to Sirius. They held hands while facing the ceiling, and that’s how Remus fell asleep, only to wake up a few hours later, still in the same position and with Sirius' hand still holding on to his.

By now, Remus had had more than enough time to think about everything happening to them. Although he had been mainly focused on the whole Peter situation, he couldn’t help but feel bothered by some other details. And, as he always did when everything became too much for him to process, he made a list:

1) Peter Pettigrew was the spy; he’d delivered James and Lily and their little son to Voldemort.

2) Peter Pettigrew had been the Potters’ secret-keeper.

3) Sirius had never been the secret-keeper; he had switched with Peter.

4) Sirius didn’t tell Remus about the switch.

5) Sirius had been a world away from Remus for months, avoiding him in every possible way.

6) Sirius had come back to him, all-loving, right after they discovered Peter had been the spy the entire time.

Remus went over that list again and again inside his head, looking for a different conclusion, but always landing back on the same one. He didn’t want it to be true, but he needed to know. He needed to ask.

“Sirius?” He whispered into the dark room, half fearing the other man would be sleeping; he wasn’t sure he’d find the strength to try it again another time.

“Mhm?” Sirius gave his hand a little squeeze.

“You thought I was the spy, didn’t you?” There. There it was. No hoovering over it, no tiptoeing with half questions and assumptions. A clear and direct question that would leave no room for misunderstandings or guessing games. Remus held his breath as he felt Sirius’ hand tense on his, and waited.

“I’m so sorry, Moony.” Sirius' voice came out strangled, but loud enough. Remus didn’t say anything back, he didn’t think he had anything to say. He simply untangled his fingers from Sirius’ and stared at the dark ceiling.

“Moony?” Sirius was sitting up on the bed, facing him. “Moony, talk to me?”

“And say what, exactly?” Remus felt his voice cutting through his throat on its way up.

“Lumus,” Sirius lit his wand, placing it on his bedside table, and casting a dim shadowed light on the room. Remus felt exposed; a second ago he’d had the leverage of being the one with better eyesight in the dark; now, Sirius could see him just as well.

“Moony, I was… I don’t think I have enough bad words to describe myself right now. There’s no excuse, so I’m not going to justify any of it. What I did was… unspeakable.”

“You think?” Remus sat up too.

“I fucked up, okay? I fucked up in every way that matters and there is no excuse for that. I… I gave into a part of me I didn’t even know existed and I let it consume me. But we knew there was a spy, everyone had been paranoid for so long now and I just… you were always off with the packs, and…”

“I’ve been here, Sirius, I know what everyone’s been bloody like!” Remus cut him off with a voice so cold he could barely recognise it as his own. “Scared, doublechecking every corner, never telling whole stories. But I still trusted you. I told you every sordid detail of how I felt towards the packs, you knew why I advocated so fucking hard for them and you still used it as a reason to doubt me.”

“Moony, I…”

“No, you wanted me to say something. Well, I’m saying something, so shut up.”

Sirius complied.

“Once I told you I wanted to do more for other werewolves once I left school, that I wanted to actually help them, and you said you’d help me and that I didn’t even need to ask for it; you’d be there for me, no matter what. You were also the first person who made me feel like it was okay for me to be who I was, what I was. Like maybe I wasn’t a monster after all. So… how could you, Sirius? How could you pull that bullshit on me? How could you think I’d ever turn on you, or James and Lily?”

Sirius was crying loudly now, and Remus could feel his own tears running down his heated face.

“Remus, please.” He was begging, but Remus could scarcely care at this point.

“I loved you, Padfoot. Fuck, I still love you. So much. And I thought you didn’t love me anymore; I thought you were building so many walls between us because you wanted to break up with me. Do you have any idea how dense I’ve been for the last year? How stupid?”

“You weren’t stupid, don’t say that! Godric, Remus, I… of course, I love you! That’s the whole point of me never walking away, never saying anything. I couldn’t risk losing you unless I was completely sure. I love you so, so much. But it was Harry and James and Lily on the stake. I was terrified, I couldn’t risk it.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Remus shouted. “They’re my family too, Black! Just as much as you are! Just as much as fucking Peter was supposed to be! I was terrified too; terrified and alone because I didn’t even have you by my side!”

Sirius didn’t say anymore, realising there was nothing he could say that would make any difference right now.

Remus stared him down for a while, trying to regain control of his anger before asking one last thing that was still bugging him.

“Did James or Lily ever think I was the spy?”

“Godric, no, never!” Sirius replied quickly, “and I never had the balls to suggest it to them, either. Prongs already had a go at me once he figured I suspected you, and Lily is still mad at me for that. Which is fair enough, I suppose .”

“I suppose,” Remus parroted before he got out of bed and made for the living room. Sirius didn’t object and, for the first time since Remus had arrived back at the flat, he didn’t follow him.

Chapter Text

He was sitting on the floor of the living room, back against an armchair where Harry was settled. Lily was fast asleep on the couch, her head resting on his invisibility cloak.  

It was the first time in days he’d seen her sleep for more than two hours straight, and he was pretty sure it had something to do with Moony being back. James, too, felt more at ease knowing his friend was safe and sound, tucked in bed next to Sirius. They’d already lost one marauder, and the thought of losing another one was unbearable.

While Peter hadn’t been hurt or killed off (not as far as they knew, anyway), James still felt a deep sense of grief when thinking about him. He couldn’t help but spend hours wondering when everything had changed, or if there was anything he could have done to keep Peter on the right side of the fight.

He tried shaking the thought out of his head. He’d been thinking of Peter and only Peter for the last two days, anytime there was no one to distract him with something else, and he knew that wasn’t doing him any good. Because Peter was gone.

The boy whose eyes had brightened up the first time he’d managed to transform into his animagus form, the boy who’d join them in keeping Moony company at the hospital wing after full moons; that boy was dead. And James quickly found that keeping that boy separated from the man who had willingly betrayed him was of utter importance for his own sanity and survival.

James forced his mind to go to a better place. He tried focussing on Lily’s sleeping form, on the way her hair was set on a French braid behind her head and how the freckles on her face seemed more noticeable when she was relaxed. She was so, so beautiful.

He never grew tired of looking at her, and he probably never would. Sometimes, he still couldn’t believe his eyes. She had given him her friendship at 16 years old, her heart at 17, a home at 19, and a family at 20. She was the most amazing person in the world, as far as James was concerned, and she had chosen him to give her love to. He felt lucky every day and he knew he would never stop feeling lucky.

So, he kept his mind on her, allowing Lily’s slow breathing to set the tone for his own. It calmed him down and he just focused on that, keeping any other thoughts far away from his mind.

The shouting started at around 2 a.m. and, try as he might, James couldn’t help overhearing the entire argument. He’d expected they would have had a few days before the whole situation blew up, but then, it was Padfoot and Moony. They argued without any reason at all sometimes, so why should he expect them to wait a while longer when there was a reason.

Despite James having a soft spot for Sirius, he couldn’t blame Remus for being angry at him. He’d been a proper bastard and James knew that. Still, he hated seeing the two be at each other’s throats, now more than ever.

Not even 10 minutes after they’d started, Moony was already walking into the living room, his face livid and his eyes shot red. When he saw James watching him, he seemed to hesitate and almost step back into the hallway. Thinking better of it, he walked over and joined James on the floor, keeping his back against the couch where Lily was.

He didn’t say anything. Unlike Sirius, Remus would never willingly share his problems with anyone. He kept to himself far more than it was probably healthy, James always thought.

“You alright, Moony?” He tried, keeping his voice low.

“Fine.” Remus was taking his cigarettes out of his pocket. James' first instinct was to protest, but he stopped himself before saying anything, thinking that wasn’t the best time to keep Remus from his fags. So, he simply flicked his wand and silently cast a smoke barrier charm around Harry.

“Err…You sure? This flat is pretty small, you know?”

“If you knew the answer already, why bother asking?” Remus spat back at him.

“Sorry, it’s just… I worry, that’s all.” James replied meekly.

Remus sighed and closed his eyes; his face softening a bit.

“Sorry, Prongs, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just… he…”

“I know, mate. He was a proper arse. Don’t worry, I’m not going to defend him.”

“Like you can help yourself when it comes to Black,” Remus snorted.

“Look, Moony, I know I let a lot of things slide when it comes to Sirius. But not this. You have every right to hate him right now, I’m not going to try to talk you out of it.”

“Cheers, mate.”

“I’m here if you feel like you need to talk, though.”

Remus just nodded and proceeded to stare at the nearest wall.

James didn’t really think he was going to get anything Sirius-related out of him tonight; Lily might be better for that. So, he decided to just keep his friend company and, for once in his life, not side with Sirius.

“I don’t, though,” Moony said out of nowhere, a few minutes later. He was putting his fag out on a mug with old tea, on the coffee table.

“Sorry?”

“I don’t hate him.” He was looking at James now. “I don’t think I have that in me anymore. I hated him, truly hated him, once. I know how it feels, but this isn’t that.”

“Fifth year?” James cringed a bit at remembering that. He usually tried very hard to pretend it had never happened, that Sirius had never been capable of doing something like that. It was so out of character, so cruel. But he had done it, and that was something James would never completely come to terms with.

“Yes. I hated him then, and I still hate him for that. But this, right now? I… I’m angry at him, and I hate what he did so much. He hurt me, he thought I’d…” he seemed at a loss of words, and his eyes ran from James’ face to where Harry was. “But I can’t hate him. Because hating him would mean losing him, and I can’t do that, Prongs, I can’t lose him.”

And Remus burst into tears. James was startled; first because he was expecting Remus to be angry, filled with hatred, and wanting to punch something; second, because Remus didn’t cry, not in front of him anyway. He wasn’t angry, James realised, he was heartbroken.

James felt stupid. He just sat there, staring as Remus silently broke down in front of him. He was annoyed at himself for being uncomfortable and not knowing what to do to help his best friend. With Sirius it was always so easy; he knew what to do to comfort him because he’d been practicing it ever since they were eleven, and Sirius was pretty much an open book when it came to his feelings. Remus was never so simple, he hardly ever let anyone in. Sirius usually knows how to reach him, James thought¸ but Sirius won’t be helping him with anything right now.

At some point, James decided he’d held himself back for far too long. Moony needed him right now, and he would try and help him the only way he knew how. So, he moved closer to Remus, reaching out and embracing him is the biggest bear hug he could provide. He was positively surprised when Moony let himself be held (by someone other than Sirius, that is), and hugged him tighter, trying to translate into their embrace every droplet of love he felt for his friend.

Looking over Remus’ shoulder, he saw Lily slowly waking up, and staring at them in confusion. It took her a few seconds to fully wake up, and a flash of understanding sparked in her eyes. She slipped out of the couch and came to sit on the other side of Remus, as James was finally letting go of him.

“Hey,” she was saying softly, her eyes filled with kindness, “it’s alright, love. It’s gonna be just fine.” She pulled Remus to her, sideways, and he let himself drop his head onto her shoulder. They just sat there, with Lily patting his head and holding him for a long time.

Eventually, he fell asleep on her shoulder. Coming back from the pack only to find this mess at home, James couldn’t imagine how exhausted Remus must be feeling.

“D’you think they’ll be alright?” Lily asked after they could hear Remus’ breathing setting to a slower rhythm.

“I dunno. I think so, eventually. He said he didn’t hate Sirius, he just… he’s heartbroken.”

“Yeah, I know, he…” Lily was saying, but she was cut short by a voice coming from the other side of the room, by the little hallway.

“He doesn’t hate me?” Sirius was standing there, and though his question was directed to James, he didn’t seem able to take his eyes off Remus.

James watched his friend come closer and sit across from them, on the coffee table, eyes still glued on his boyfriend.

“Mate, he…” James made to get up, intending to walk Sirius out of there – he didn’t think Remus would be very pleased by waking up with Black staring at him – but the look of try me Sirius gave him was enough to make him sit back down.

“Just answer me, James.”

“He… doesn’t.” James conceded, slowly.

“But in case you missed the rest of what James was saying,” Lily added, looking Sirius down in spite of her being the one sitting on the floor, “he is heartbroken, Sirius.”

“I know that, Lily,” Sirius said, returning her stare with the same intensity. “I know I screwed up and I’m going to give him space. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on him. On us.”

James watched Sirius; he was terrified, you could see it in his eyes.

“Padfoot, just give him some air, alright?” James said, finally getting up. “Come on. I’m making us some tea, give me a hand.”

Sirius looked up at him and hesitated for a moment before getting to his feet and following James into the kitchen.

James was putting the kettle on, the muggle way because Lily always did it that way as well. Sirius just stood there; obviously aware James hadn’t gotten him out of the room just for tea.

“Look, Pads, you have to give him some space.”

“Oi! I’m doing that.” Sirius protested.

“No, you’re not. You gave him half an hour before you were already all over him. He doesn’t hate you, but you broke his trust. You broke his heart.”

“Bloody hell, Prongs, I know what I did, you don’t need to keep saying it every five minutes.”

“I’m just trying to get you to understand. He loves you still, that much is obvious. But he’s hurt, badly. Knowing we trusted him when the rest of the world would always look at him sideways was all he had, you know that. And you went and blew that up. So, cut him some slack. If he doesn’t feel like talking to you for a few days, let him be.”

“I just… I know I need to give him space, but I also need to do something. I need to win his trust back.”

“Padfoot, don’t you see it? You didn’t break his trust. You are the one who thought he broke yours. You thought he wanted all of us dead, for Merlin’s sake! So, you don’t need to get him to trust you; you need to show him that you trust him.”

“And how do I do that?”

“I don’t know, mate. You’ll have to figure that out for yourself, I guess.”

They held each other’s gaze for a while and James could see it was taking Sirius everything he had in himself not to break down again. He wanted to help him, he truly did, but he couldn’t excuse what Sirius had done. He couldn’t pretend it didn’t matter and everything would be just fine with no effort. But, still, Sirius needed him.

“Sirius,” he took a few steps so he could touch his shoulder, “I told Moony I wasn’t gonna side with you on this, and I won’t. You fucked up, mate. He has every right in the world to be angry and you’ll have to endure the consequences of that. But that doesn’t mean I’m not here for you, because I am. I love you, all right?”

“All right,” Sirius patted James’ hand on his arm, and sighed in resignation. “Thanks, Potter.”

“Anytime. Now get us some mugs so we can finish up here.”

“On it.”

“And, Padfoot?”

“Yes?” Sirius looked up at him.

“Happy birthday,” James said with a small smile.

Sirius was taken by surprise by that, and James realised that the thought of today being his birthday hadn’t even crossed his mind yet.

“Thanks.” Sirius smiled sadly back at him.

They fell back into silence as they worked their way through the kitchen. When the full-on tray they’d prepared was ready, they took it out to the living room, where they found Remus now sitting on the sofa watching half fascinated and half disgusted as Lily changed Harry’s diapers. The look of amusement on his face faded when he saw Sirius, who was keeping his head low, clearly determined to pretend he wasn’t even in the room if that meant making Remus more comfortable.

“Ugh, bad timing for a snack and some tea, Moony?” James prompted, trying to light up the mood a little.

“Are you mental, Potter? There’s no such thing as bad timing for a snack.” Remus smirked at him, though James could see he was pointedly not looking at Sirius.

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Although Sirius and Remus were not on speaking terms, both were mature enough to understand they couldn’t go anywhere and that being hostile wouldn’t help anyone in the flat they were all stuck in.

So, they adopted a posture of accepting the other’s presence without acknowledging it more than absolutely necessary. Considering what their previous fights had looked like, James thought that was a win. After all, they had no idea how long they’d be stuck in that flat.

They’d been there for three days, already. Three full days and Dumbledore hadn’t said a word. Mary hadn’t made any sort of contact either, and James highly suspected that was also Dumbledore’s doing. The old man would have said it was meant to keep them safe, though James wasn’t sure he believed that.

It wasn’t that James thought Dumbledore was secretly working for Voldemort or anything like that. He knew with his whole heart the headmaster wanted to put an end to that war and to the Dark Lord. But with every life they lost, with every year that passed, he grew more and more certain that, for Dumbledore, they were just pawns. Just little soldiers that he would strategically place on his chessboard, sacrificing the ones he needed to sacrifice to win the game.

Peter was good at chess, James thought¸ maybe he saw it all before any of us did… no, NO! he shook his head to kick the invasive thought out of it, I’m not thinking of Peter and I’m certainly not justifying what he did.

It was mid-afternoon now, Padfoot was playing with Harry on the couch, while Lily and Remus were both in the bedroom, talking quietly so they couldn’t be heard.

James went to sit next to his son and patted the black dog on the head. Padfoot then turned and started nosing him so he would pet him behind the ears.

“You’re not really a dog, you know? Petting you is weird when I think of how that would look if you were in human form.” He joked but did it anyway.

“Paddie.” Harry was reaching for his dog best friend again, and Padfoot promptly went back to nudging the little boy with his big wet nose.

Harry loved Padfoot so much that, to no one’s surprise, it had been his first word. Well, he hadn’t managed to say Padfoot yet, just Paddie. And although Sirius would kick whoever else tried to call him that in the nuts, his face always lit up whenever his godson called for “Paddie”, whether he was in dog form or not.

Now, James just enjoyed the scene; the playfulness in Harry’s eyes lighting up the entire place.

They’d been there for three days without any incident now, and James was beginning to think that maybe Dumbledore had been right, maybe Sirius and Remus’ flat was such an obvious place that no one would think to check on it because no one would think they’d be stupid enough to be there. But, well, they had been stupid, and it was an obvious hiding place. And, of course, someone would check.

Chapter Text

Sirius’ birthday had always been one of his favourite days of the year. Not one year since James, Remus and Peter had walked into his life had gone by without the most loving and festive of celebrations. Growing up with the other three boys around him at Hogwarts, and later the girls too, their late-night dorm room celebrations slowly progressed into gigantic Common Room parties involving the entirety of Gryffindor Tower, and some Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs to fill up the remaining space. Never any Slytherins, though. Not on Sirius’ birthday.

They’d get drunk and blast music until the small hours of the morning. They’d eat cake and dance on top of tables. Sirius would let himself be swallowed into the love he received from his friends and his housemates. He would look around and think that, if he had a choice, he would never leave that warm and happy place, that held so many happy memories and all the people he loved. But leaving Hogwarts hadn’t been the end of his happy birthdays. Though the partying when at war would always be smaller and less crowded, it was still filled with love.

Now, for the first time in a decade, his birthday was a darker affair than it had been back when he would spend it at Grimmauld Place, before going off to Hogwarts. There was no party, no cake, no candles. There was no booze and no three rounds of happy birthday before every meal. Marlene was dead. Mary wouldn’t come. Lily was still a bit mad at him. Remus wouldn’t even look him in the eye. James had wished him a happy birthday earlier, but that was that. And Peter… well, Peter wouldn’t be alive for very much longer if Sirius had any say in the matter.

So, the three remaining marauders, Lily and Harry spent the 3^rd of November as if it were any other day. Well, any other day lived in hiding.

Remus had spent the day clinging to Lily, the two of them whispering to each other, no doubt talking about their latest disappointment of Sirius. He was trying to do as James had suggested and was giving Remus his space. He didn’t attempt to get closer or to make conversation and was trying to put on his best behaviour.

Although he didn’t say anything about it, he was glad to see that Remus hadn’t been drinking ever since he got home. It had become a habit of Lupin’s that Sirius had feared was growing into something bigger than just the casual drinking. Now, he suspected Remus had put it aside to make sure he’d be in a clear mind in case of an emergency, though he knew for sure he still craved it.

But Moony was still smoking; both of them were. Sirius knew James and Lily hated it, especially since they couldn’t leave the flat to do it outside, but he and Remus were being careful to go to a separate room and cast a smoke vanishing spell when they were finished. And they would never smoke anywhere near Harry. They would also never smoke together, and Sirius hated that.

So, for his 22^nd birthday, Sirius Black spent most of his day staring into walls, smoking by himself or playing with Harry. He was beginning to grow uneasy, without any action to keep his blood warm while he knew the war was still growing strong out there, and Peter was still on the loose. He wasn’t sure for how much longer he could just sit and wait like a good pet.

But he wouldn’t have to wait for much longer.

By the end of the afternoon, Padfoot was playing with Harry on the couch, when a piece of parchment popped out of thin air in the middle of the living room, making a small “crack” sound. James got to his feet at once and went over to pick it up from the floor, and Padfoot transformed back into Sirius immediately, picking up Harry as he stood up.

“Is it Dumbledore’s?” Sirius asked as James reached for what looked to be a letter and read it, his face losing its colour as his eyes ran through the lines.

“What is it Prongs? Did something happen?” Sirius felt his chest tightening up in anxiety.

James simply held out the message and Sirius walked up to him and grabbed it. His heart sunk as he read the all-too-familiar scrappy handwriting on it.

P., We need to talk.

They found me in the safe house and forced me to talk. I’m so, so sorry. I hope they’re safe; I heard the house went through the air. Please, tell me they’re okay.

I'm sorry it took me so long to write. I managed to escape soon after they were done with me and got the information they were after, but only now have I managed to find somewhere safe to stay in and make contact.

I hope this note finds you all right. Write back on the same parchment. It’s enchanted, so the moment you sign it, it’ll come back to me. Tell me where we can meet, I want to make sure everyone’s all right and I need your help.

W.

ps. Happy Birthday, P.

“Happy birthday? Wormtail had the guts to say ‘happy birthday’?” Sirius exclaimed when he finally tore his eyes from the small letter and looked up to meet James’. His friend looked just as lost as he felt. “And what the fuck is he playing at?”

“I don’t know, but this can’t be good,” James looked really pale.

“What’s happening?” Remus asked as he and Lily emerged from the bedroom looking around, clearly picking up on the odd conversation happening between the other two.

“See it for yourself,” Sirius handed him the letter.

Remus read it out loud, his voice gradually fading as he reached the end of it.

“What the fuck?” he looked up at Sirius, maybe forgetting he was supposed to be ignoring him.

“My words, exactly,” Sirius replied.

He held Harry closer to his chest by sheer instinct, without even noticing it. The boy protested against his godfather’s tight grip, and Sirius loosened it a bit.

“Do you think he doesn’t know we know?” James asked to no one in particular.

“No, he knows,” Sirius answered, without hesitation, “I think the little rat is much smarter than we gave him credit for, over the years, otherwise he would have showed up here in person.”

“Sirius is right,” Lily said, “that note is Peter testing the waters. He didn’t use names on it because that’s the Order’s protocol and he wanted us to think he’s still a part of that. He says he was captured and forced to speak, but we know no one can force a Secret-keeper to reveal the secret.”

“Exactly,” Remus agreed, “And he probably gave you the option of choosing where to meet with him to give us the impression he’s allowing us to deal the cards. But the fact is that, by simply answering his message, we’d be confirming to him that we’re home. As of now, I believe he’s simply shooting in the dark, probably sending the same note to other places as well, like the Potter Mansion. He’s probably waiting to see where we take the bite from.”

“Moony is right.” Sirius said, eager to agree with him even when there was no need for it, but that only earned him a cold stare from Remus, who then proceeded to examine the piece of parchment in his hands.

“What kind of spell even is that? A spell that only apparates an object? And it got through your protection charms? I thought the two of you said you had made the flat impenetrable.”

“As impenetrable as it gets without a Fidelius Charm. But, still, the spells I put up with James should be enough to keep a piece of paper from getting in. Don’t think it could be a portkey, do you?”

“Not likely without the Ministry knowing about it, no,” Lily said. “It’d have to be registered.”

Remus laughed dryly.

“Evans, I think you’re forgetting you’re in a room with two animagi and a werewolf, all unregistered. The Ministry’s Registries are not as efficient as they want you to believe they are. And considering Peter himself is one of us when it comes to illegality, I wouldn’t put it past him to turn his letter into a portkey.” He said as he put the parchment carefully down on the coffee table. “We should let it out of our reach, just in case it disappears out of nowhere taking whoever’s holding it with it.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She nodded.

“I agree we better not hold on to it for longer than it’s necessary,” James was saying now, pushing his glasses up his nose, “but wouldn’t making it an automatic portkey make it useless to locate us? I mean, if we’re going with the theory that he’s sent more of these to other locations, waiting for us to answer to one of them.”

Lily furrowed her brows the way she used to when someone came with a very interesting question, as if they were back in class.

“It’s a fair point. I think we ought to go with every theory here, to be on the safe side. The best thing to do is to leave it somewhere and not touch it. If it really needs one of us to sign it to send it back, then we’re not writing back at all. If it’s a portkey, we simply don’t touch it and when it goes back to Peter, no one goes along. Either way, he’ll never know we were here. Not for sure, anyway.”

“Fine, but while I agree that we do not simply shout our location for Peter to find us, don’t you all think we ought to do something about it?” Sirius asked.

He couldn’t shake off the desperate need he had for some sort of action. And the knowledge that Wormtail was out there, alive and looking for them, looking for Harry, didn’t help with the idea of just sitting back down in that bloody flat and waiting.

“I guess,” Lily said, “but what are we supposed to do? We know he’s trying to find us, but we have no idea where he is.”

“I’m sure he’s not with at his mum’s, he wouldn’t be that stupid,” James said.

“We were stupid enough to come here, James,” Lily raised an eyebrow at her husband. “In fact, the stupidity of it was exactly why we thought it was so brilliant.”

“Are we supposed to think Wormy would be clever enough to come up with the same plan as us?”

“Are you still underestimating him, Potter?” She crossed her arms and stared at him, “he had been working undercover for over a year without any of us finding out. Honestly, after all the growing up you lot did over the years, you still manage to be so arrogant sometimes! Peter tricked all of us and if it hadn’t been for Marlene and Mary, we’d be dead by now. And Moony would be out there thinking Sirius had done it, because he wouldn’t have known about the switch.”

“Lily!” James said, exasperated.

Sirius felt his insides twist. He stared at his shoes, trying to get the taste of bile coming up his throat to go away. He could feel Remus’ eyes on him.

Everyone went silent for a moment. When Sirius looked up again, Lily was waiting to catch his eyes.

“Sorry,” she said quietly, just for him, before turning back to all of them and re-establishing her previous tone, “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. You lot always underestimated Pettigrew. I did too, but at least now I’m ready to admit that. Sirius, you suggested making him secret-keeper because no one would think harmless Wormtail would ever be chosen for such a task. James and I agreed to that. And Moony, you might be angry because Sirius thought you were the spy…”

“Lily!” James piped in again, but she ignored him.

“… but at least he thought you had the potential to be some sort of threat.” She finished, the sharpness in her eyes daring them to say a word of disagreement.

James was looking at her in disbelief as if trying to understand how could she have been so insensitive towards her friends, but Sirius didn’t really mind her candidness, although it hurt, and he could see Remus wasn’t that bothered, either.

She was right, after all. Their choice of making Peter the secret-keeper wasn’t just about trusting their best friend; they’d also dismissed any chance of Peter being any sort of threat because he wasn’t smart enough for that.

“She’s right, James,” Sirius finally said, “we didn’t even think twice about trusting Wormtail. And I’m not saying we should have questioned any of our friends’ loyalty,” he added quickly, with a furtive look in Remus’ direction, “but maybe if dismissing Peter’s abilities wasn’t something that came so naturally to us, we would’ve noticed something earlier.”

James sighed loudly, closing his eyes and running a hand through his hair.

“You’re right, sure. It’s about time we’d learned from that.”

“S’pose so,” Remus said, and cleared his throat, “well, back to his letter then, shall we? What are we going to do about it?”

“Dunno. We can’t just pretend it never arrived, though,” Sirius replied.

“Maybe we contact Dumbledore and see what he has to say?” Lily suggested.

“No!” James almost shouted, startling everyone in the room. Seeing the confused faces staring at him, he recomposed himself. “Err… I just mean, I don’t think we should bother him with such a small thing.”

“This is no small thing, Prongs,” Sirius said, not quite sure where his friend was coming from with all of that. James trusted Dumbledore like no one else, why would he not want to go straight to him?

“Yes, this is exactly what he wanted us to contact him for.” Lily was looking very confused.

“I’m with Prongs,” Remus said, very soberly. He was looking at James in a weird way, as if he were seeing something Sirius and Lily couldn’t quite understand.

“Why?” Sirius demanded of him, half-forgetting he was supposed to be siding with Remus as much as he could.

But it was James who answered.

“Because, Padfoot, I’m not sure Dumbledore has our best interests in mind. Not as much as he lets on, anyway. And I think Moony here has known it for years now, haven’t you Moony?”

Remus just nodded

Sirius couldn’t exactly put his finger on whatever James was on about, but he couldn’t deny he, too, wasn’t as keen to hold on to every word Dumbledore said as he had been as a teenager. He’d always known Moony wasn’t the old man’s biggest fan, but then, Moony never trusted many people as they were growing up, especially adults. But for James to doubt Dumbledore’s reasons to the point of saying it out loud…

“Could you elaborate, mate?” He asked, trying to get his best friend to look him in the eye.

James took a few moments to regain his self-confidence before speaking again, his words coming out a bit faster than they usually would.

“Look, I’m not saying Dumbledore doesn’t have the war’s best interests in mind, but those are not the same as ours. He’s leading the whole situation, and I reckon he must have to make difficult choices sometimes, but I’ve been thinking and… I don’t think he cares too much about any of us individually as long as he gets what he wants at the end of the day. And I think Moony here has known that for a while, too.”

“Took you a minute to get there, Prongs,” Remus said, “You’re right: he doesn’t care. And I’m not insinuating he wants us all dead, but I’m pretty sure he’ll sacrifice whoever he needs to in order to win. He’s been doing that for a while, now.”

Sirius caught himself thinking back to their Hogwarts years, when Remus had warned Dumbledore of a potential werewolf attack and he did nothing about it, leaving hundreds of families across the country to be victims of Greyback’s pack, and Moony to feel responsible for it. Remus was right, and Sirius felt even worse than he had before.

He’d held his head so high, for so long, trying to convince everyone around him that he wasn’t a part of his family, fighting to go in the exact opposite direction from what they taught him growing up. Yet, there it was; the Black in him.

He’d suspected Remus was working for Voldemort, and the fact that he was a werewolf had played a great part in making him less trustworthy in Sirius’ eyes, even if Sirius himself wasn’t aware of that. Even if he loved him.

Trusting Dumbledore with blind eyes when he had so clearly been using all of them, especially Remus, for so long was also a reflection of Sirius’ privilege. He was a pureblood from a rich family, and his brain had been set to trust people in power and keep an eye on those without it. As much as he despised the House of Black and all they stood for, he had been brought up by them. Some things are so threaded in your insides, you don’t even know they’re there until they bite you in the arse, he thought to himself.

Sirius looked at Remus, meeting his eyes and nodding in agreement, not because he wanted to get in his good graces again, but because he wholeheartedly understood what Remus was saying and what he meant.

Then, he looked back at James.

“Let’s not tell Dumbledore, then. But what do we do?”

“Haven’t the foggiest.” James sighed, looking at his son, now.

Harry was playing with a button on the sofa cushion.

“I mean, we need to go after him, I s’pose. But we have no clue where he’s hiding.”

It was as if someone had flicked the lights on inside Sirius’ head, as the answer to their next step came to him.

“What is it?” Remus asked, clearly having seen the look of clarity Sirius felt growing on his face.

“We can ask Mary!”

“Mary?”

“Yes, Moony, Mary! She was salivating to get her hands on Peter! I don’t think she would’ve just gone home to just sit and wait. I bet she’s still looking for him, and maybe she can help.”

“That does sound like MacDonald.” Lily said, already walking over to the telephone.

“Wait, you can’t just phone her!”

“Why not? The Death Eaters are not bloody likely to be spying on your muggle landline, Black! And, besides, it’s the only way of communication we have to the outside world, as of now.”

Sirius backed down, knowing Lily was right, but Remus walked over to her and took the phone from her hands before she could dial.

“Lupin, what the hell?”

“I agree with you, Lily. But let me do it, just in case someone is eavesdropping. At least it’ll be my voice on the line, not yours.”

She looked a bit crossed, but stepped aside.

They watched while Remus dialled the number and waited on the line.

“Do we even know she’s home?” James whispered, only to be quickly shushed by both Sirius and Lily.

After a few seconds, that felt almost like days, Remus finally readjusted his posture as a muffled voice, that Sirius couldn’t quite distinguish, came out of the device. Remus answered.

“Mary, that you? Hi, hi, I, err… Yes, I’m fine, everyone’s fine. You all right? Ok, good, good. Listen, I called you because I need to ask you, err… have you been looking for…  for him?”

A moment of silence from Remus’ end, and then, “Right, yes, I thought so. We’re, ughh, kind of planning to go after him ourselves, and we were wondering if you wanted to come with? Okay, you know where to find us, yes? Brilliant, we’ll wait… err… yep, sure, I’ll tell him, don’t worry. Oh, and Mary, don’t... err… just leave the old man out of it, will you? Great, we’ll be waiting. Be safe… yeah, cheers, you too. Bye.”

He hung up and finally looked up to see the three pairs of eyes staring at him.

“So??” Sirius asked first, not being able or willing to contain himself.

“She has been doing some digging, without Dumbledore knowing, of course. She hasn’t really found anything, but she wants in on whatever we’re up to. And she’ll be over tomorrow. Oh… and,” he cleared his throat and looked directly at Sirius, “she says ‘happy birthday.”

“Err.. okay. Cheers,” Sirius said, kind of embarrassed that Remus had been forced to acknowledge his birthday because of somebody else, since he hadn’t done it himself yet.

“Well, then,” Lily cut in, probably noticing the newfound tension between the two, “now, all we have to do is wait.” She took Harry from Sirius and went into the kitchen.

Once she had left, James walked closer to Sirius while motioning for Remus to do the same. The three huddled together as if they were back at Hogwarts, planning their next adventure. Only, there was one man missing.

“So, I suppose this means we’ll have to split up again, soon,” Prongs said, with hesitation, “I mean, we can’t take Harry while we’re chasing after Peter, so, obviously, we can’t all go. And Lily, err…” Sirius could see where his friend was trying to go with that little chat, and decided to put him out of his misery.

“It’s all right, Prongs. You’re staying with them. Remus and I will go, Mary can join us, if she wants to.” He said, and Remus nodded his agreement.

Relief washed over James’ face.

“Cheers, lads. You know I wanted to get my hands on that rat as much as anyone else, but my son is the one with a target on his back, and I’m not leaving his side.”

“We know, Prongs, don’t worry about it,” Remus said as he put a hand on James’ shoulder, “We’ll send Wormy your regards.”

“Please, do,” James replied. He was starting to back away, to break their little circle, but seemed to think better of it and held them in for a little longer.

“One more thing, though,” he said, looking very uncomfortable now, “I know you two are not at your best. I’ve had my words with the both of you, and I get that. But… just, try not to kill each other out there, will you? You two tend to do stupid things when you’re angry, and now it’s not the time to be reckless. We’ve lost too much, already, don’t risk losing more. And, please, don’t lose each other.” He stared at them with pleading eyes.

Bloody Potter, Sirius thought, always everyone’s hero. He nodded and could see Remus doing the same.

James finally broke their little club meeting and went to help Lily with Harry.

Sirius and Remus just stood there, watching as Prongs lifted his boy out of his mother’s arms, to mock-throw him in the air, making Harry burst into the most adorable giggles. Sirius was so entertained watching them he hadn’t even registered that Remus had not immediately left his side the first chance he got, until he heard his voice.

“Look, Sirius, James is right. I’m still angry with you but we’ll need to have each other’s backs out there. I know you don’t exactly trust me…”

“But I do,” Sirius said, quicky, “I do trust you. I- I know I didn’t before, but I was wrong; and I see that, now, and I need you to know that I do trust you, Moony. I know you’ll have my back. And I’ll have yours.”

“Good… yeah, all right, good. I’m still mad at you, though.”

“I know. I deserve it.”

“Yeah, you do.”

They stood there awkwardly for a while, before Sirius made to walk away towards the kitchen only to be stopped by Remus, who reached out and held him in place by the arm. When Sirius looked up at him, he realised it had been an impulse because Remus seemed a bit unsure about it, now.

“Happy birthday, Padfoot.” He said in a low voice, before dropping Sirius arm and walking away quickly.

Sirius was left hanging in the middle of the room. He was now touching the spot where Remus’ hand had just been. It wasn’t much, it was barely anything, really. But it was everything he had right now. He missed his Moony so much it physically hurt him to think about when they’d fully had each other. But this one day wasn’t the only thing keeping them apart; Sirius himself had built that wall months ago, never allowing Remus to get close enough.

The day before, when Remus had arrived back at the flat, Sirius had held him for a few hours while he cried, but that hadn’t been enough, not nearly enough. They simply hadn’t been the same in so long, and it was all Sirius’ fault.

Now, Remus had wished him a Happy Birthday and grabbed his arm, in a ghost of the intimacy they’d once shared. It was so, so little. But Sirius held on to that tiny piece of what they had once been as he walked over to the bathroom, locked the door, and collapsed to the floor, only managing to cast a silencing spell before the tears came pouring out of him.

Chapter Text

Mary showed up the next morning, right after they’d finished cleaning up from breakfast.

“God, I’ve missed you so much,” she said, hurrying straight up to Lily as soon as Sirius let go of her at the door. Lily hardly had time to register her friend was in the room before she got pulled into her arms.

“Missed you too, love,” Lily said, squeezing her back with all the love she could summon.

“Oh, I believe you, honey. Sharing with four boys, ughh! Lily you are going to heaven,” she said jokingly.

“Oi!” James faked being affronted, “I’ll have you know me and the lads are extremely well behaved!” Then he pulled her from Lily into his own hug.

“Potter, I only trust two of you to behave, and that’s Remus and Harry. Speaking of which, where is my favourite little boy?” Her eyes were searching around the room.

“Playing with his uncle Moony in the bedroom.”

“Aww, that’s sweet! I didn’t take Remus for the playing with kids type.”

“Ohh, he’s not,” James smiled fondly, “he’s terrified of them. Harry is the only one who’s been able to win his heart and trust, and only as long as he’s not crying, mind you.”

“How dare you, Potter?!” Remus’ voice came from the bedroom, only seconds before he emerged from it himself, carrying a playful Harry who wouldn’t stop trying to grab his uncle’s blond curls, “I am not terrified of kids! I just… don’t know how to manage them most of the time. Not little Harry, though. Mary, you are absolutely right; he’s better behaved during a bad day than his father is at his very best.”

Mary laughed and walked over to him.

“Hello, there, gorgeous,” she grinned.

“Haya, MacDonald” Remus replied.

“Wasn’t talking to you, but hello, Remus.” She said extending her arms and taking Harry to herself.

“If memory serves me right, I believe you once said I was ‘lovely’,” he smirked at her.

“All right, hello to you too, handsome,” she gave in, poking Remus with her elbow.

“Better,” Remus placed a little kiss on her cheek.

They sat down at the living room, all happy to surround the conversation on Harry. They laughed and exchanged jokes, simply enjoying each other’s company for the first time in so long. Lily tried forgetting why Mary was really there, at least for a while.

“This little man is not so little anymore, is he?” Mary was saying as Harry attempted to get off her lap and walk to his mother.

“Mummy,” he was calling, and Mary let him go.

“No, he’s not. He’s growing quite fast,” Lily opened her arms to receive the little one who came stumbling towards her, giggling.

“And he looks worryingly like his father, too,” Mary smirked in James’ direction.

“Worryingly? I’m quite handsome, thank you very much! Am I not, Padfoot?”

“Gorgeous, Prongs.” Sirius replied, with an approving nod towards James’ figure.

Lily couldn’t help the laughter that erupted from her, and everyone in the room followed. Those boys were impossible.

“You know, sometimes I wonder whether I married only James or the whole lot of them!”

“I mean, you did go on a date with Lupin once,” Mary pointed out, causing Remus to groan and cringe at the memory, “and Potter and Black have been practically married since they were eleven, so…”

“I’ll be yours forever, Prongs,” Sirius said, mock solemnly putting a hand to his heart.

“Till forever falls apart, Padfoot,” James replied, doing the same.

And everyone collapsed into giggles once more, even Harry who obviously had no idea of what was going on.

Lily looked at her son in adoration, which was the only possible way to look at him, really. Mary was right. Apart from his green eyes that were so clearly the same as hers, his face had started to resemble his father’s far too precisely for a one-year-old. And the hair; there was no denying his hair was all James. The dark curls stuck out in every possible direction and could never be tamed. He was cheerful, energetic, loving and smart, just like his dad, and Lily couldn’t be prouder.

When she finally looked up from her little boy, to try and catch up with the conversation happening around her, her eyes locked with James’. He’d been watching her and Harry, an easy smile was spread across his face. Lily smiled back at him and hoped he could understand the love she was trying to translate into that little gesture.

They spent the morning chatting away and pretending the world outside didn’t exist, as if they’d never lost anyone and had never suffered through the heartbreak of betrayal. It was a silent agreement, really. No one had asked for it, but they all wanted to enjoy each other for a little while before jumping into conversations of war and revenge. Lily was glad for that; she couldn’t quite remember when had been the last time those topics hadn’t been the only ones.

In between the bursts of laughter and little moments of joy, Lily would look around the room trying to memorize each of their faces, their smiles, the way each and every one of them lit up from the love flooding the flat that morning. She’d been doing that a lot, lately; looking at the people she loved for as long as she could, trying to engrave every feature of them inside her brain, scared of not knowing when would be her last chance to be with them. War could do that to a person.

Marlene’s death had been the first hard hit on Lily. They’d lost people from the Order before; Gid and Fab, Dorcas… But Marls was something else. She was one of her best friends, and losing her had been as if the world had lost its vivacity, its colour.

Mary had disappeared for a while after that, lost in grief and revenge. And although she was clearly trying to enjoy her friends, now, Lily could see the fire in her eyes had lost a bit of its heat.

Remus was always away on some werewolf mission, sometimes not coming home for weeks on end. He’d also been drinking and smoking more and more as the war advanced, and though Lily had tried to keep an eye out for that, they’d lost all contact after her and James had gone into hiding. Now they were back, he’d told her he was keeping away from alcohol because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop drinking if he took the first sip, and he needed to keep his head clear, to be here. Even though here was clearly the last place he wanted to be in.

Sirius was always around, but he wasn’t the same, either. Lily was still angry at him for ever thinking Moony could’ve betrayed them, but she also knew he hadn’t been quite himself for a while.  It felt like a dark cloud was standing over his head at all times; the joy and lightness he had once carried everywhere had now turned into constant vigilance and into paranoia that could consume all the energy in a room.

And, then, there was James. Every morning he would put on a brave face and smile at her and tell her how much he loved her. Every night he’d hold her close and tell her everything was going to be all right. He was his perfect self, as always, trying to be strong enough for everyone he loved. But Lily knew the man she’d married. James Potter, the bravest person she’d ever met, the pure embodiment of Gryffindor House, was terrified. He was still brave, yes, but now with something real to lose. He held Harry any chance he got, and he’d have Lily on his hand every second of the day if it were up to him.

All the pain and all the loss they’d suffered, it made moments like that, where they could simply laugh and smile at each other, so much more valuable. Lily planned on taking in every second.

Mary stayed for lunch, playing with Harry as much he’d let her, while Lily was happy to once again be joined by her favourite cooking partner. Somehow, even not having cooked a day in his life before leaving Hogwarts, Sirius Black could do wonders in the kitchen.

The two of them flowed easily when working together; there was a sort of balance and synchrony in cooking with Sirius. That must be how he and James used to feel while plotting pranks together, she remembered thinking the first time they’d made dinner as a duo. Now, she was absentmindedly smiling at the memory.

“Lost in that red head of yours, Evans?” Sirius was looking at her curiously as he stirred a pot.

“Was thinking of you, actually,” she admitted.

“Of me?”

“Yes, of the first time we cooked together, remember that?”

“Of course I remember! Prongs was making a mess of everything before I came in to save the day, wasn’t he?” He smiled.

“That’s an understatement! I never let James anywhere near my kitchen after that day. No matter how many reparos I cast, my oven has never been the same. He’s a culinary disaster!”

“Oh, that he is. I’d starve before eating anything James Potter ever attempted to cook.”

“Oi! I can hear you!” James’ voice came in from the living room, only to make Lily and Sirius laugh at his indignation.

“You know, Padfoot,” she said, feeling the lightness of the moment filling her heart, “I missed cooking with you. It makes me extremely happy that at least one of my husbands has the ability to join me in my endeavours, especially one who enjoys cooking the muggle way.”

“The muggle way is much more fun, isn’t it?” Sirius grinned at her, “I love cooking with you too, Lils.” He extended a hand, which she grabbed and squeezed affectionally, feeling the huge smile growing on her face.

The next hour went on just as smoothly, with everyone eating and laughing together. Lily could see Remus and Sirius were in some sort of truce, not quite talking to each other, but being polite and enjoying the group as a whole without letting any awkwardness get in the way.

They’d enjoyed a few hours of peace, and Lily felt high with the love that was flooding the room. But after they’d eaten and everything had been cleaned up and put away (James and Remus’ task), it felt clear that they needed to break the spell and get on to business.

For a while, they just sat around the table, waiting to see who would be the one brave enough to touch the subject first, until Mary sighed deeply and broke the silence.

“Ok, I know I said I had looked into it, but I haven’t really found much, just have a few theories. I don’t think Peter’s hiding with the Death Eaters as much as hiding from them. If he’d been with them, we would have heard about it by now. Dumbledore had spies too, you know.”

“Pff,” Remus snorted, ‘yes, but we don’t exactly think Dumbledore is telling us what we need to know,”

“No,” Mary agreed, pursing her lips a bit, ‘but he has the entire Order on high alert on Pettigrew. That is one bit of information I think he would have shared.”

“Ok, makes sense, I suppose. So, we think he’s hiding from both sides, yes?” Sirius asked.

Mary nodded. “He can’t openly go back to them without any new information to give. He sent Voldemort into a dead end; they’re not likely to be very happy with him right now. He also can’t get new information without the Order. So, I believe he’ll try to make contact with us first, regain trust where he thinks he can.”

“He already has, Mary,” Remus said, getting up and walking across the room.

He grabbed Peter’s letter and brought it back for Mary to read. She put it down on the table, as soon as she finished reading, and looked around waiting for further explanation.

“It popped in the middle of the living room yesterday,” Lily told her. Then she explained their theories about the letter and what they thought Peter had wanted to accomplish with it.

“Yes, makes sense,” Mary said. Her eyes were unfocused as if she were deep in thought.

“I suspect we can nearly discard the portkey theory, though,” Lily was saying now, “it would have vanished by itself by now if it were that simple. But anyway, we’d better stir clear of it, just in case.”

“Ok, but I like your idea that he has probably sent it to other places where he thinks you might be hiding!” Mary said, and Lily could see her face lighting up, as if an idea was being born. She followed Mary’s line of thinking, and when the two women finally locked eyes, they both understood what had to be done.

“We need to find another one,” Lily said, and Mary nodded.

“What do you mean?” James asked, confused. The three man were not quite following what Lily and Mary were up to.

“Well, we have no clue where he’s hiding. I mean, he’s a bloody rat, he could be anywhere. Our only way to him is via those letters, if there even are others,” Lily explained

“Yes,” Mary added, “and we can’t use this one because then he’ll know this is where you’re actually hiding. But if we find another one and answer it, play his game, it’ll either send us to him, or bring him to us. But we’ll be prepared.”

“And if Mary’s theory is right and he is hiding from Voldemort, then he will want to check his new lead before running back to the Death Eaters. He won’t bring them with him, not at first. He can’t risk being wrong again,” Lily finished.

“It’s bloody brilliant!” Remus said, with something that resembled mischief breaking through his face, as if Lily and Mary had just come up with the perfect prank. James and Sirius nodded their agreement.

After, they started planning who’d be going where and who’d be doing what. They went on for hours and hours on end, trying to tie any loose ends that might put any of them in avoidable danger, trying to make sure vengeance wouldn’t cost them another life.

They wouldn’t use the word ‘vengeance’, or ‘revenge’, Lily noted; only ‘justice’ and ‘what he deserves’. But she could see the hurt and hatred inside every pair of eyes, especially the three marauders. What Peter had done to them was nearly unthinkable; it had scattered everything those boys had ever believed in, everything they cherished. It was the realisation of that unmeasurable heartbreak that made her understand that Sirius had never fully believed his Moony would’ve been capable of it.

He had been paranoid and terrified and his suspicions did go way further than they should’ve ever gone. He did consider the possibility, and sheltered himself, just in case. But, now, Lily could see he had never gone all the way through with any of it, not even inside his mind. There was a reason he never told anyone about it, never confronted Remus about it; he didn’t believe what his own brain was telling him. Being betrayed by friends as close as the four of them had been, was simply that unbelievable.

Once everything was as settled as it could get, they decided Mary would spend the night. She made a quick call home, letting her family know she’d be away for a few days and telling them not to worry. Remus and Sirius and she would leave the next morning.

It was settled that they’d make sure to be back in less than a week, before the next full moon, so that Remus could have time to organize himself beforehand and rest afterwards. It made Lily a bit more at ease with the whole idea, knowing she’d be seeing them again in just a few days. If everything went smoothly, they’d be back even earlier than that.

No one slept that night. No matter how many times someone suggested they should be well-rested for what would come next, none of them did more than sit in the living room in silent company of each other. Lily spent the night watching every single person in the room, closely. She hated feeling like she needed to do that, as if she might just as well be saying goodbye to them. But she still did it. They’d be careful and take care of each other, but the uncertainty of the world outside was too much for one to take things for granted. So she just looked at them, the people she loved most, all night long. They were all so young but looked so exhausted.

James already had some grey in his head and Remus’ scars were more visible than ever, probably because he looked paler than he’d ever been before. Sirius and Mary were sitting side by side, her head resting on his shoulder. It reminded Lily of the chaotic couple they’d once been, though both of them looked so far from their 16-year-old selves, that their dating days might as well have been sixty years ago, instead of six.

Lily was perfectly aware she had also gained more years to her skin than she had actually lived. When she looked in the mirror, there were dark circles under her eyes, and she was pretty sure those were not the kind that goes away with one good night of sleep.

The eldest among them was 22 years old, but Lily had met people in their fifties who had more youth in them than everyone in that living room combined. That’s war, she thought darkly, it takes away your life even if you’re still breathing.

As the morning made its way through the window, everyone started slowly getting up from their seats to sort whatever needed to be sorted before they had to leave. Lily took a deep breath and stood up, forcing a tender smile to her face as she tried to comfort the people around her before they had to leave to face whatever awaited them outside the door.

Chapter Text

They had been ready to leave for over half an hour now, but every five minutes someone would come up with another excuse to delay their departure. Having another cup of tea, grabbing an extra coat, practicing one last spell, having one more look through the backpack to make sure they were taking everything they needed. Sirius, Remus and Mary didn’t really want to leave, and James and Lily were dying to go along. Parting ways felt every inch like the worst possible idea. No one was really safe anymore, no matter where they were, but being together made it all slightly less scary.

Sirius gave James his communication mirror back, so they could be in contact as much as necessary. They had made James and Lily promise that if anything happened, they were to call them as soon as possible, and they’d drop everything and come back immediately.

“All right, but the same goes to you,” James replied, “If you need any sort of back-up, just scream my name into that bloody mirror and I’ll be there in a second.”

“Will do,” Sirius replied, throwing his arms around James and hugging for maybe the fourth or fifth time that morning, Remus wasn’t counting anymore.

Lily pulled Remus aside for a moment, taking him into the bedroom while the other two were too busy promising each other to be careful and Mary was distracted with Harry.

“Hey, what’s going on?” He asked, confused at her secrecy.

“Look, Remus, I just wanted to make sure of something before you lot set off,” she spoke in earnest, sitting on the bed. Remus followed suit.

“Okay, shoot it.”

“I need you to remember that you are the reasonable one of this avenging trio of yours. Sirius and Mary are both quite… explosive, and they can be reckless sometimes.”

Remus couldn’t help laughing, despite the grimness of Lily’s tone.

“Avenging trio, Lily? Really?” He arched an eyebrow.

“Oh, shut up, you know I’m right!” She tried keeping her pose, but he could see her cheeks holding back a tiny smile.

“Fine, yes. You are right. And don’t worry, I’ve been the reasonable one since we were eleven. Nothing new there.”

“Only, there is something new, Remus,” the shadow of a smile, that had been there a second before, was gone from her face, “this isn’t a prank you just have to mediate so it doesn’t get out of hand. And this isn’t for fun. I know you are the sensible one when compared to Sirius and Mary, but I also know what you can get like when you’re angry.”

“I’m perfectly fine, Lily,” he tried stopping her, understanding where she was getting.

“No, you’re not,” she said simply, “you are angry! Your little act of being the one to keep it together doesn’t fool me, Remus. And it’s okay to be angry, you have every right to it after everything that happened to you. With Peter and with Sirius. I just want to make sure you remember to not let that anger get the best of you when that stubborn head of yours gets a chance to heat up for some reason.”

“Oi! What the f-,”

“Tell me I’m wrong,” the look on her face cut him short on his protests.

She was right. Lily Evans Potter was always right, and that’s one of the many things he loved about her. He lowered his head, resigning to listen to the rest of it.

“What I’m saying is that I need you to remember that getting your hands on Peter isn’t worth losing your lives. Black won’t think twice before charging straight up to him, no matter how many other Death Eaters he’ll find in the way, and I don’t think Mary will be any better, not knowing he was responsible for Marlene. I don’t blame them for it, but it’s dangerous. I know you want Peter’s blood, we all do, really. But I need you to promise me that if things get ugly, if it looks like he might have any sort of back-up or trap, you’ll get the lot of you out of there.”

“God, you sound just like James. Or he sounds like you, I don’t even know anymore.”

“James said something to you already?”

“Only that Padfoot and I are too hot-headed for our own sake and that we shouldn’t lose each other,” he rolled his eyes.

“Good. then take what I’m saying as reinforcement of that and don’t get killed.”

“Lily, I don’t think I can hold both of them back. And, honestly, I don’t know that I would even want to. I swear to God, if I lay my eyes on Wormtail…”

“I don’t care, Remus!” she almost shouted, startling him, “I don’t give a fuck if having Peter’s head on a plate is your life’s biggest dream right now, it’s not worth losing anybody else! Fuck’s sake, I’m asking you to be careful. And don’t come and bullshit me with this ‘I don’t know if I’m strong enough to hold them’ crap, you and I both know you’re stronger than the two of them together. Please, all I’m asking is for you to come back alive and bring those idiots back with you. Breathing. Promise me, Moony?”

She hardly ever called him moony. In the dark room, Remus could see the tears shining behind her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them spill. He took a moment and finally nodded.

“All right, I promise. I’ll get us out if things get ugly. We’ll come back in one piece, all of us,” and he hugged her.

When they finally left the bedroom, Sirius was holding Harry and Mary was standing next to James, who had an arm around her shoulder. They were waiting.

“All set up?” Remus asked.

“Yes,” Mary answered as she walked over to hug Lily.

“See you soon, Pronglet,” Remus kissed Harry on the forehead, earning him a few giggles from the kid.

“Say bye to your uncle Moony, Harry,” Sirius said softly.

“Bye, mooney,” Harry said, shyly.

Sirius gave his godson back to his mother, kissing Lily on the cheek before letting go, and James came to hug Remus.

“God, can we please stop acting like this is goodbye?” he muttered but squeezed James back.

“Shuddup, Moony. This is just for good measure.”

And before anyone could come up with another ‘five more minutes’ situation, the three of them were out the door, walking down the stairs to the street.

They walked to a nearby alley. Without saying a word, Remus grabbed one hand to each side of him, and they disapparated.

They landed on the backyard. It might have been a reflex or just his subconscious wanting something to ground him and choosing the familiar option, but Remus found himself holding on to Sirius’ hand a couple seconds longer than he did Mary’s.

Sirius noticed it, of course, and Remus hoped he would mistake the flush on his face for a result of the cold air of the morning. Mary was already half-way to the back door, and Remus followed her quickly, not wanting to meet Sirius’ eyes.

Only from the backyard, it was clear that Potter Manor had been abandoned for almost a year. With James and Lily in hiding and the Order no longer holding meetings there, no one really thought about coming back for such trivial things as trimming the grass.

They took a few minutes outside, undoing protection spells and casting detecting charms to make sure there would be no unpleasant surprises.

Remus felt as if he were walking into a cave, lacking all the warmth and comfort that had once made that enormous house a safe and happy place of his adolescence. Euphemia and Fleamont Potter had made that gigantic house into a home, filled with love and kindness, ready to welcome in anyone who needed a family. In the few moths they’d been responsible for the Manor, James and Lily had kept that fire burning, never letting it lose its light, even in the middle of a war. Now, the house felt cold and empty, as if every ray of sunshine that had once washed the high walls and numerous rooms had turned into ghosts, now haunting every corner.

Mary lit up the fireplace in the living room, and cast some quick cleaning spells to get rid of the dust. When Remus finally looked over at Sirius, he could see the sadness in his eyes, seeing what had probably been his favourite place in the world turned into such a mundane and magicless building. He wanted to hug him and give him some of that comfort back, but at the same time he still wanted to punish Sirius for what he had done. The problem was Remus had started to feel like he was punishing himself as well.

He didn’t hate Sirius, and he’d told James that. But he couldn’t just pretend nothing had happened. He was hurt and felt betrayed by the one person he’d trusted most. By the very person who had taught him it was okay to give your secrets for someone else to keep, to allow yourself to be loved and to love them back. And then, his heart was broken.

They’d been apart for so long, it physically hurt sometimes. And now, more than ever, Remus needed Sirius close to him; Sirius’ love, Sirius’ touch... Fuck, he thought to himself, how can I still love someone who hurt me that much? Why do these bloody feelings make absolutely no sense?

He shoved it all down into some dark corner of his mind, trying to focus on the task at hand. They needed to warm up that freezing house. And they needed to find that piece of parchment.

They walked together into every room, lightning up fires and cleaning up what they could. They looked under every chair and bed, inside every wardrobe and drawer. Every surface was scanned with three careful set of eyes. They tried accio but nothing came.

Once they’d left James’ childhood bedroom, Remus hesitated before following him into the next one, not sure if he wanted to, or if he could.

But they were there for a reason, and he needed to hold his shit together for it, so he stepped into the bedroom that, from the time they were fifteen, had belonged to Sirius Black.

Remus hated himself for being so sensible about a bloody room, especially considering he had Sirius himself to worry about, right there. But the space still held scraps of his late teenage years, with Gryffindor banners on the wall and some books and other little things Sirius had left behind when they moved out. There was a forgotten mug on the bedside table, containing what looked (and smelled) like the remaining of a year-old cup of tea.

“Ughh, disgusting, Black,” Mary twisted her nose when she got closer to check inside.

“Sorry. Must have left that behind the last time I spent the night,” and with a murmur of words and a flick of his wand, the mug was gone, “Effie would have had a go at me, if she saw that.”

“No, she wouldn’t.” Remus replied, without thinking.

“Sorry?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“It’s just,” he cleared his throat, “Effie would never have a go at you, Sirius. You were always her precious boy.”

“I was not,” Sirius protested, a playful smile making its way across his face. Remus delighted in it for a while, and couldn’t help smiling back, only to chastise himself immediately after. Every hour passing by made him more certain he would eventually slip and fall directly into Sirius’ lips.

Their little moment was interrupted by heavy cloud of dust that filled the air when Mary sat heavily on the bed

“There’s nothing!” She said, frustrated.

“Scourgify,” Remus cleaned the air.

“Cheers, Moony,” Sirius said, in between coughs.

Mary’s disappointment resonated in the room, making Remus acutely aware of the fact that their plan, from the very beginning, had been nothing but a guess. Maybe they had been completely wrong and were just leaving James and Lily by themselves for nothing.

He was brought back to reality by his own stomach rumbling. He checked his watch; it was way past 4 p.m. They’d been looking almost all day, with no breaks.

“Okay, we better grab a bite or something,” Sirius said, “I can hear Remus’ belly screaming for help, and I have to say I agree with it. We haven’t eaten since breakfast, I’m ravenous. Come now, you two.”

They went back downstairs to the kitchen. Lily and Sirius had prepared some meals that only required a bit of wand work to be finished up and ready to eat. Sirius was taking a few containers out of the backpack, and setting them on the table, while Remus was looking for plates and cluttery.

“Haven’t we forgotten to look anywhere?” Mary was asking, looking at Sirius.

“No, I don’t think so. We’ve checked every room in this house. We either missed it somewhere we’ve already looked, or there’s nothing to be found,” he replied.

“I mean, it was just a theory that he would have sent those letters to different places. We might have been wrong,” Remus said.

“I don’t think we are, though,” Mary pressed on, “I mean, I know we don’t have any evidence, but I just have this gut feeling about it. We’re moving in the right direction.”

“Okay, then maybe we were just wrong about it being here. Maybe James’ own house was just a step too far.”

“I say we give the house another search. Now that everything is slightly cleaner, we might see something we missed the first time around,” Sirius offered.

“All right,” Remus nodded, “let’s do that. Let’s take another look today and maybe spend the night. If we still don’t find anything, we move on tomorrow morning.”

They ate in silence. No one really had much to say, and they were all exhausted. They’d checked every corner of that mansion without as much as stopping for a glass of water. And found nothing. Remus desperately wanted a few moments to let his mind slip away from having to think of possible places where a piece of parchment might have fallen under. The warm food was a welcomed distraction.

Lily and Sirius’ cooking, especially when mixed together, were one of Remus’ favourite things on earth. Hogwarts’ feasts had been rich and delicious but they were also somewhat… generic. Remus remembered the first time Sirius had properly cooked them dinner, just the two of them in their new flat.

“Where exactly did you learn to do that?” Remus asked in awe, grabbing another serving for himself.

They had Bowie playing on the background, and Sirius had even lighted a couple of candles, to ‘set the mood'. They had never had a proper date night before, and Sirius had insisted on cooking for their first.

“Why, I have my hidden talents, Moony!” Sirius grinned mischievously.

“Come now, Sirius, no one cooks for the first time in their life and thrives like that. And I don’t believe Walpurga Black is exactly the kind of mum who teaches her sons to cook,” he raised an eyebrow.

“No, but Euphemia Potter is,” Sirius smiled softly, thinking of Effie. He leaned closer and poured Remus another glass of wine, “Don’t ever ask James to cook you anything, though. Trust me, his own mum gave up on him,” he set the bottle down and took a sip from his glass, “you like it, then?”

“Like it? Sirius, this is perfect, I love it.” he rested his fork on the table and turned slightly to completely face him. He raised one hand to tug a black curl behind Sirius’ ear, looking into those blue eyes. He was so gorgeous, “I love you, Padfoot.”

“I love you too, Moony.” Sirius leaned in, resting his hand behind Remus’ neck and pulling him into the sweetest kiss. Remus let himself taste the wine from Sirius’ lips, but it wasn’t the wine he was getting drunk on. “My Moony,” Sirius whispered.

Suddenly, they forgot the food and the drinks, they forgot the war raging outside, and they nearly forgot to breathe. Remus moved his chair away from the table, pulling Sirius to come and sit on his lap, the only thought in his mind being how much he loved the man who was now kissing his neck.

He had never been great at letting go, at giving himself up or opening up his heart. But, for Sirius Black, he’d do it all. He’d tear his own heart out of his chest and give it to Sirius for safe-keeping. Sirius calling him “my Moony” was the truest thing ever said. He was his. Entirely and solely his.

Remus felt warm and safe and loved. He felt as if the world could very well end outside their door, and it wouldn’t matter. He had Sirius in his arms, so everything else was irrelevant. Sirius’ cooking, Remus realised, felt just like Sirius himself: like home.

He was brought back from his daydreaming by Mary snapping her fingers in front of his eyes.

“Oi, Remus! You awake?”

Remus blinked quickly, trying to keep the tears that he felt growing in the back of his eyes from falling down. Sirius was watching him intently, and Remus hoped whatever the look on his face was right now, it wouldn’t betray him.

“Sorry, err… I was somewhere else for a while.” He cleared his throat, in an attempt to clear his mind, avoiding Sirius’ curious eyes at all costs. “Sorry, were you saying something, Mary?”

“I was saying we could split up for the second round of looking. I think we might have overlooked some spots believing someone else had looked into them.”

“Yes, brilliant. Let’s do that.” Remus said, quickly getting up from the table, “you two can start if you want. I’ll just pop outside for a fag and then I’ll sort the dishes.”

He walked out the back door before anyone could say a word against it. Truth be told, what he needed right now was a drink, a very strong one. But he wasn’t doing that anymore. Losing himself was a luxury, and he was quite short of those. He pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket, that would have to do for now.

He’d just lighted one up and taken the first drag, when he heard the door behind him opening up. He closed his eyes and exhaled the smoke.

“Spare one for me?” Sirius’ voice came from behind him, trembling a bit. Remus wasn’t sure if Sirius was scared to be told off or if he was just cold.

Remus didn’t answer. He simply extended the cigarette case, suddenly very aware that it was the one Sirius had given him for his 18^th birthday. The one with and moon and the stars on it.

Sirius took one for himself and they smoked together for the first time in ages.

They stood in what had once been a meticulously cared-for patio, but was now a mess of overgrown bushes, untamed grass, and odd flowers growing where they wouldn’t have otherwise. Remus thought there was some beauty in the wildness of it. But, then, he’d always had a soft spot for a bit of rebelliousness, hence the man standing beside him.

Remus didn’t trust the stillness of the scene. He knew Sirius all too well; he was building up to something, gathering strength to say the first word and break the ice wall standing between them. It was agony, really, to witness a man stumbling over his own silence.

“I won’t bite, you know?” Remus said, dryly.

Sirius jumped slightly, not expecting Remus to say anything.

“Are you sure?” Sirius said, teasing a bit.

“Well, depends on what you’re going to say, really,” Remus took another pull on his cigarette, and Sirius did the same.

“I just… Godric,” Sirius fumbled for words, breathed in and out, closed his eyes, and opened them again to meet Remus’ “I just wanted to say ‘thank you’.”

That was very unexpected.

“Oh, ok… for what?”

“For still, you know, being kind to me and all of that. I’d have understood had you told me to fuck off,” he had a hopeful spark in his eyes.

“Oh… yeah, of course. I, err…” he what? He wanted to say it was only because they had bigger issues to attend to, that it was merely him doing what had to be done. But that wasn’t it. “I figured we’d still need each other, in spite of everything.”

“Oh,” Sirius' face fell, and the spark was gone, “yeah, we need all the help we can gather to find Pettigrew, of course.”

“Not only that,” Remus amended, maybe sounding a bit desperate, “I mean, you and me, we still need each other, and James needs both of us, and we need him, and… bugger… I mean we still need each other,” he closed his eyes and stopped talking.

What in the actual hell?! Why couldn’t he ever balance his words?! It was either sharp and hurtful or too meek and vulnerable. And while he didn’t mean to be too harsh with Sirius, he also didn’t want him to think that everything was ok, because it wasn’t. So why couldn’t he just find the bloody middle ground?

When he opened his eyes again, he found Sirius looking at him, mouth slightly ajar. He took one last drag, glancing at his feet. He thought of James and Lily, of what they both had asked.

“What I’m trying to say is: we’ve already lost so much, all of us. Too many people and too many… things,” he finally looked back at Sirius, “losing Peter was brutal in a way nothing else compares.”

“Please, don’t talk about the bloody rat to me,” Sirius practically snarled back.

“You keep pretending you’re just angry and want revenge on him, but I know you feel the same way I do. So does James. We lost a part of who we were, Padfoot. We lost Wormtail.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, getting angry, “he chose to leave. He chose to be the bloody spy and he chose to betray us. What’s him to do with what we’re talking about, anyway?”

That fired Remus up, and he felt the next words rolling out of his mouth without going through his brain first.

“What’s him to do with this?! Are you joking? Stop bloody pretending everything’s going to be alright the minute we get our hands on him. Killing the spy won’t change the fact that we’ve lost a brother! We lost him, probably a long time ago, and we didn’t even see it happening. I don’t want to lose anymore, Sirius! And I fucking hurt from what you’ve done, from what you thought I would have done. But I can’t help it if I still bloody love you, and I can’t lose you!”

Sirius glared at him, his eyes wide in both shock and something else.

Remus’ face was wet; maybe from the drizzle that had been coming down for a while now, maybe from whatever was burning behind his eyes.

He could see the hand reaching for his face, the warmth of a thumb brushing his left cheek and wiping it dry, then going to the left side and doing the same. He could smell the tobacco from Sirius’ fingers.

He could’ve stopped him, and part of him wanted to. The part that was telling him that Sirius didn’t deserve that privilege, not so soon. But he didn’t say a word, didn’t move a muscle. Instead, he waited; his body buzzing in longing and anticipation.

“I love you too,” Sirius said, letting his hand drop. He looked at Remus just a second longer before turning and walking away.

Chapter Text

They searched the house a second time. And then a third. At around 2 a.m., they were having some tea in the kitchen when Mary opened her mouth to suggest they tried once more, but Remus interrupted her before she could get two words out of her mouth.

“Enough with this,” he was tired, and Sirius couldn’t blame him.

He had less than a week before the next full moon and they’d just been through some very exhausting days. Today, on top of all of that, had been a very intense one. They’d searched corners of that house Sirius (who had lived there) hadn’t even known existed. And then there had been the backyard situation, which Sirius was having a rather hard time wrapping his mind around.

And what had happened? In one second Remus was all angry (fair enough) and in the next he was saying he loved him? And then, they’d nearly kissed. Or had it been just wishful thinking on Sirius’ part? He would have been the one to make the first move but he could’ve sworn Remus would have allowed him to. It had been nearly 12 hours ago and Sirius still couldn’t understand where had he found the strength to just walk away. But, in the moment, he just knew it couldn’t be like that. They would’ve kissed but all the hurt would still be hanging between them. They would’ve made up, but not quite. And it was all Sirius’ fault they were in that situation in the first place, so it was up to him to give Remus proper space to heal, instead of taking advantage of him being vulnerable.

He told James that. After he left Remus outside, he’d gone to his old bedroom (under the pretence of searching it) locked the door, and took his mirror out of his pocket.

 “I mean, that was very… mature of you, mate.” James had replied.

“Mature? Then why do I feel stupid? Like I just wasted my best shot?”

“Probably because, for once in your life, you did what was right to do, instead of what you wanted to do. You didn’t waste your best shot, Padfoot. Relationship wise, this was the healthiest decision.”

“How can that be the healthiest decision? I left him hanging!”

“You two talked for once! And you gave Moony some time and space to process that, instead of jumping in and pretending you could solve all of your problems in the bedroom, like you two always do.”

“Oi! We do not!”

“Padfoot…”

“All right, sometimes we do. But it has always worked!”

“Has it? You mean how you two don’t solve your internal issues and then put up walls and start questioning each other’s intentions only to end up in a huge fuel that leads you to stop trusting each other? How has that been working out for you?”

“Ok, what is this now? Do you and Mrs Prongs have nothing better to do, so you’re analysing my relationship.”

“In fact, yes, that’s exactly what this is.”

“And what do you know about relationships when you’ve had a total of one your entire life?” Sirius shot back.

“Yes, the one relationship I’ve had for over four years. With my wife who I don’t fight with every other week, and a son who lives in a steady environment. I mean, leaving out the whole ‘hiding to save his life’ thing, of course.” James had that smug look on his face that always got so many people thinking he was arrogant when he was simply right, “Padfoot, I don’t know why you’re so worked up about it. Trust me, you did the right thing.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “alright, if you say so, Mr Perfect Relationship.”

“I do say so, yes.”

“Fine, but what do I do next?”

“You do nothing.”

“What do you mean I ‘do nothing’?”

“Look, from what you’ve told me, besides Remus saying he still loved you, he was also quite angry with you, still. Don’t push it. You’ve already apologized for what you’ve done and you’ve told him there was no excuse. So, stop giving excuses. I’ve told you this before, you need to show him you’ve changed. And, Sirius, what you did today was a bloody good first step. So, just keep up with it, and let him lead the way from now on. You’ll be fine.”

“You really think so?”

“I know so,” James nodded, “now, stop whining and tell me what’s going on with the actual reason you’re over there. Have you found anything?”

“No,” Sirius felt with a pang of guilt, “I just don’t know where to look anymore, really.”

“Have you checked everywhere? Even the ballroom?”

“Yes, every corner of it, but no luck. We’re doing a second go round right now… well, at least that’s what I was supposed to be doing.”

“Well, then get on with it, tosser!”

“Yup. Talk to you later, Prongs. And, err… cheers… for the, err… advice.”

“Always here for you, Padfoot. Now, off you go.”

And then, Sirius had re-joined the searching party. Not that it would have made any difference in the end of the day. When Remus finally called it quits, they all went to one of the guest rooms. Sirius volunteered to keep watch for the first 3 hours while the other two got some sleep. None of them had slept since Mary arrived at the flat, almost 48 hours ago, but Sirius didn’t really feel like shutting off his mind for a while longer. He had a lot of thinking to do, and a few quiet hours would serve him right.

He settled down in an armchair with a cup of tea, thinking of everything Remus had said, and everything James had said. It all made sense but felt so strange at the same time. Maybe James was right. He and Remus had never been the best at talking, unless they were in the middle of a fight, screaming at each other’s faces.

He let his mind wander off of it, going back to Peter and whatever they were going to do next. While the Potter’s had been a slightly obvious guess, Sirius had truly hoped they would find something there. All of their next stops were sort of a stretch, and, besides, they didn’t even know if that was really Peter’s plan. Sirius was still running it all over in his head when he was startled by a hand on his shoulder.

Mary had woken up, it was her turn to stare out the window, now.

“Go get some rest, sweetheart,” she said in a whisper.

He looked over at the bed where Remus laid still, his breathing deep and slow.

“It’s fine,” Mary said, with a light of understanding in her eyes, “the bed is quite big, you can move all you want without as much as touching each other.” She pulled him to his feet, and squeezed his hand.

Hesitantly, Sirius laid himself on the bed, not daring to get under the covers. It felt too intrusive to share the same warmth as Remus. For a few minutes, he was certain he would not be able to fall asleep, the overwhelming presence beside him making him tense. But his exhaustion recognized the comfortable and warm bed underneath him, and he slipped into a heavy and dreamless sleep.

When he woke up, there was a huge mass of curly black hair spread on pillow beside his, which is how he knows he slept for at least tree or four full hours. He turned slowly to look for the armchair beside the window.

“Morning,” Remus said, watching him.

“Morning,” Sirius replied, “how long was I out?”

“Well, I’ve been siting here for two hours already, so if you fell asleep shortly after Mary took over for you… dunno, some 5 or 6 hours.”

“Good,” Sirius said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, “Godric, I didn’t know I’d missed sleeping so much.”

“Oh, yes, I heard you delighting in your sleep,” Remus sneered.

“Why, did I snore a bit?”

“A bit? You sounded like bloody Prongs.”

“Merlin, I’m so sorry. Did I wake you up?”

“Nah, you know it takes more than some snoring to wake me up. Mary had to shake me to get me up for my turn. Anyways, it was nice having some background noise to keep me company.”

Sirius just stared at Remus, trying to read him. He didn’t sound angry or shaken from yesterday’s conversation. Sirius shook his head in an attempt to clear it up, reminding himself to leave their dynamics up to Remus to control for a while. It felt good, anyway, to have small talk without anyone shouting or bursting into tears.

“Want some tea?” Remus offered.

“Yes, please.”

Remus waved his wand and, a moment later, a new mug came carefully flying through the bedroom door, stopping in front of Sirius.

“Cheers, Moony,” he said, sipping his tea.

Remus nodded and took a sip of his own cup before speaking again.

“I’ve been thinking, we should check his mum’s next.”

“His mum’s? We hadn’t talked about that.” Sirius frowned.

“No, I know. But I just… I dunno. I feel like she could give us something.”

“I don’t think he’d be there.”

“Me neither. But it’s not like we’re looking for him, not directly, anyway. We’re looking for a letter we’re not even sure exists, that might lead us to him. Maybe his mum got one too. Maybe she’s tested it already.”

“But what if she knows what he did? What if she’s helping him? You remember how they got about his sister running with her muggle boyfriend. I don’t think that made the Pettigrews the biggest muggle sympathisers,” Sirius said.

“Come on, I don’t think Peter would involve his mum in this.”

“Remus, a week ago we wouldn’t have thought Peter would be involved in this. You said it yourself, we lost him. So, we better stop pretending we know him at all. We don’t.”

Remus sunked his shoulders.

“Ok. Then what do we do? I still think we ought to talk to her, but she knows us. If Peter did warn her of something, we can’t risk it.”

“She doesn’t know me,” Mary’s voice came from behind Sirius, and he turned to see her sitting up on the bed, already tying her hair up in a bun. “Morning, lads. Glad to see you two plotting someone else’s death instead of each other’s, for a change.”

“D’you sleep well, MacDonald?” Sirius asked, choosing to ignore her morning snarkiness.

“Like an angel. An angel sleeping next to a very loud dinosaur, mind you, but still an angel,” she said, causing Remus to giggle.

“Having fun, are you?” Sirius said, rolling his eyes back, “I can see the king and queen of sarcasm have joined forces. Very well, I can take it.”

“All right, all right,” Remus recomposed himself, “Mary what were you saying before? About Mrs Pettigrew.”

“Well, she doesn’t know me. We’ve never met,” Mary replied, while waving her wand to get some tea for herself, “So, unless Peter was extremely sentimental about his secondary friends and spent years showing pictures of me to his mum, I don’t believe she’d recognise me.”

“Ok, could work. You could take another name, a pureblood one,” Sirius was thinking out loud, “but we couldn’t let you walk in there by yourself.”

“Oh, please, I can take a middle-aged lady,” Mary dismissed him with a wave, “besides, you can wait just outside. If I need any help, you just jump in.”

Sirius couldn’t tell whether or not she was faking nonchalance, but she seemed self-confident enough in her own abilities to take on the mission that he found himself lost for words.

“Are you sure, Mary?” Remus asked, clearly sharing Sirius’ concerns.

“Absolutely,” she replied. “She lives just up the street, doesn’t she?”

Sirius nodded.

“Brilliant. We’ll go after lunch,” she stood up and left the bedroom.

Sirius watched her leave. Then he sighed, and took the mirror out of his pocket.

“Prongs!? You there? Potter?!”

“Padfoot!” James appeared, “need anything, mate?”

“No, not really. Just wanted to let you know we’ll be paying a visit to Mrs Pettigrew this afternoon.”

“You’re… what? Sirius, that wasn’t the plan.” James looked slightly concerned.

“I know. Moony thought it might be a good idea, though.”

“Moony…you lads okay, then? You talked, or – ”

“Moony, want to say hi to Prongs?” Sirius cut James quickly, glancing up to see Remus watching him intently.

“Ohh,” James said, widening his eyes, “Hiya, Moony!”

Remus walked over and sat himself beside Sirius.

“Hiya, Prongs. Everything ok? Have you set fire to my flat yet?”

“No, Lily reckons I shouldn’t go near the kitchen.”

“Smart girl,” Remus said.

“Anyway,” James cleared his throat, “isn’t it a bit dangerous, showing up at his house? What if his mum’s helping him or something?”

“We considered that,” Sirius said, and then he walked James through Mary’s idea.

“I still think it’s quite risky. I mean, all right, checking up on her might lead us somewhere, but I don’t like the idea of any of you walking in there alone. But if you three are all set on it…” James replied.

“Oh, but we’re not,” Remus pointed out, “Mary’s the one whose mind is set on doing it this way. Sirius and I don’t really like the idea of letting her go in all by yourself.”

“Well, then go with her.” James said, shrugging as if it was obvious.

“But, James, she’ll recognize us,” Sirius said, confused.

“She’ll recognize Sirius and Remus. But she doesn’t know Padfoot,” he arched an eyebrow. “You know the woman, she likes dogs. She won’t mind you walking in with Mary.

“James Potter, you are a marvellous thing, have I told you that already?” Sirius exclaimed.

“No, no, I’m just smarter than you, Sirius. But, Remus, I’d have expected you to think of this yourself, you’re supposed to be the clever one!”

“Yes, I’m disappointed in myself too, James,” Remus replied, smiling, “but cheers for the help.”

“Anytime, mate! Just, let me know as soon as you’re out of there? I’ll be worried.”

“Of course,” Sirius said, trying to plaster a reassuring smile on his face, “talk to you later, Potter.”

“Later, lads!” And James was gone.

Mary was clearly not the happiest about having a bodyguard, but Sirius couldn’t care less. She could be offended all she wanted, but this wasn’t about thinking her less capable, it was about not letting a friend walk into potential danger alone.

They hadn’t much of a plan. They’d talked over lunch, trying to figure out the main details, but nothing that really assured any of them of how the entire visit would play out. Mary would just play the game on the spot, she’d said, and see where it leads her. Sirius would be by her side but he didn’t really think he could be useful in anyway unless there was some emergency or trap.

Mary knocked on the door, with Padfoot by her side. Remus had put him on a liege, which he didn’t particularly enjoy, but understood was necessary. As a dog, his senses worked better, and he could smell the familiarity of the house and the people who lived there. That’s how he immediately knew that, at the very least, that they were safe from bumping into Peter. Whatever trace of his scent in that place was faded and lost in between everything else.

The door opened and a small woman looked at Mary with curiosity. Sirius could see she held her wand, though it was probably in case whoever was at the door was some sort of threat.

“Good afternoon, can I help you, dear?” The lady spoke.

“Hello, are you Mrs Pettigrew?” Mary’s voice was clear and steady, as if they weren’t planning to kill that woman’s son the moment they laid eyes on him.

“Oh yes, of course,” she looked Mary over, trying to place her to a name.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Mary said, “My name’s Lucy McMillian. I’m a friend of Peter’s, from Hogwarts.”

“McMillian?” Mrs Pettigrew frowned, “didn’t know Pete knew any McMillians at Hogwarts.”

He didn’t. Sirius had suggested the name an hour ago. The McMillians were an old family, pureblood and quite conservative, but not extremists. They were a small family, who mostly kept to themselves, not having many of its members known to general society. Sirius had had a grandmother who’d been a McMillian, on his father side, so he knew enough of the family to know any member of it would have stayed on the fence, choosing to flee the country if it ever came to having to pick sides in the war. Over the years the McMillians had been spread across all Hogwarts houses, so any one of the four would have been believable enough. It was an easy name to put to someone who is neither a member of the Order of the Phoenix nor a Death Eater.

“Oh, we weren’t absurdly close,” Mary said, with a smile, “we met at the chess club and went out a few times, but nothing serious came out of it. We kept in touch over the years, though.”

“I see,” Mrs Pettigrew seemed convinced enough, but was clearly still trying to understand what this Lucy was doing at her front door. “I’m sorry, dear, but Peter isn’t home at the moment. Hasn’t been in while, in truth.”

“Oh, that’s what I feared. I’ve been worried for a while now. I hoped if I could only see him and make sure he was alright…” Mary said, lowering her head and looking slightly smaller, as if her last thread of hope had just been cut loose. This girl, Sirius thought, amused. “I’m sorry, I just hoped…”

“But don’t worry, he’s just all right!” Mrs Pettigrew amended quickly, “come on in, will you? I’ll make some tea, you seem unnerved.”

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly bother you with…”

“Nonsense. You look like you could use some sitting down. And bring that beautiful boy of yours along! He’s enormous!” Mrs Pettigrew gave Padfoot a sweet, motherly smile, and ruffled his head as he crossed the door, “What’s his name?”

Sirius used everything in him to not look too startled, even as a dog. Mrs Pettigrew didn’t know Padfoot, the dog, but she had heard the nickname addressed to Sirius plenty of times before. They hadn’t talked about that little detail.

“This is Olly!” Mary said. She spoke easily, as if that had been his name all along, without a note of hesitation to her voice. Thank Goodness for Mary MacDonald, was all Sirius could think.

“He’s lovely, dear,” she patted Sirius’ behind his dog ears as they made their way to the living room. It was just as Sirius remembered, and the familiarity of it all made him feel sick, thinking of Peter.

Mrs Pettigrew walked them to the living room, and vanished into the kitchen, promising to be back in a minute.

Mary winked at Sirius in a way that said told you so, in all but words.

“So, you said you and Peter met at chess club? You were not in Gryffindor, then?” Mrs Pettigrew asked as she delivered a cup of tea into Mary’s hands.

“Hufflepuff,” Mary said with a smile.

“Lovely… Lucy, is it?” she asked, and Mary nodded, “Lucy. How come Pete never mentioned such a lovely girl before?”

“Oh, I’d like to know that, myself,” Mary laughed, “but really, I wouldn’t have expected him to. We’ve always been good enough friends but never as close as he is to those Gryffindor lads of his. Potter and…?”

“Yes. Potter, Black and Lupin,” Mrs Pettigrew replied with fondness in her voice, “oh, how I miss having those boys around. Those four are quite an act when placed together.”

Sirius felt his stomach tighten even further, and was glad a dog’s face expression gives away far less than a human’s would.

 “They sure seem like it,” Mary commented, then took another sip of her tea. “I’m relieved to know he’s safe. You’ve heard from him, then?”

“Oh, yes, only a couple days ago. I was just so relieved to hear his voice, it had been so long.”

“His voice? Through a letter?” Mary asked, with only mild curiosity.

“Oh, no, it wasn’t a letter, dear. He sent me one of those Patronus messages. Very ingenious, those are. I never managed to conjure a Patronus Corporeal myself, much less send a message with it. But my little Peter has always been more gifted than people believe him to be.”

Sirius was positive he would be sick any minute now. Mary kept going as if she was having the most delightful and unthreatening conversation of her life.

“Ah, that is very advanced magic, indeed. What is his Patronus, by the way? I’m always curious about such things.”

“Oh, it’s quite funny actually. A little rat. Peter never liked it very much, but I’ve always found it adorable.”

Mary giggled a bit, nodding.

“Glad to hear he’s ok. Has he settled somewhere else, then?”

“I wouldn’t say settled, not quite,” Mrs Pettigrew winced, only slightly, then lowered her voice, the way old ladies do when they mean to gossip politely, “he’s being sent on several missions, very dangerous. He’s only now found a place to lay low for a few days. Said that it wasn’t much of a house, in itself. But apparently there’s a bed, and he says he knows the place well enough to sort himself out for now.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Mary smiled sweetly. “Well, thank you so much for the tea and the chat, Mrs Pettigrew.”

“You’re not leaving already, surely? No, dear, why don’t you stay a while longer?” She looked disappointed, loosing her newfound company so soon.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Mary took her hand and squeezed it affectionally, “but I truly only meant to check up on Peter. I don’t really fancy being away from home for longer than I absolutely must, given the times we’re in and all.”

Mrs Pettigrew seemed to fully understand that, and nodded kindly. She walked them back towards the door, where they said their goodbyes, earning Sirius (or Olly) another huffling of his fur around the ears.

Mary and Padfoot walked side by side down the street. No sooner had they entered the grounds of the Potter’s and Sirius was himself again, than Mary turned to the nearest bush and threw up.

Sirius was holding her hair back, when Remus came running out of the house.

“Are you all right? What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Sirius replied, “it’s just nerves. I’m surprised she even has those. She was brilliant, could have fooled any of us anytime if she ever wanted to.”

“Told you,” Mary said, finally emerging back, with a very smug look for someone whose sick was still on the ground right next to her.

“But did you learn anything?” Remus asked, handing Mary a handkerchief he’d just produced with his wand.

“Well, not much,” Sirius replied, “Peter hasn’t been there in ages, I could tell from the lack of rat stink in the house. She doesn’t seem to know anything about him being a traitor or whatever. But he’s been in contact, to tell her he’s safe somewhere with a bed.”

“Was it a letter like yours?”

“Wasn’t a letter at all,” Mary said.

“I’m sorry it led up to nothing,” Remus said.

“No, at least we know he’s not there,” Sirius shrugged. “Give me the mirror, we ought to talk to Prongs, then I’ll explain everything. And I think we should move along to check the pub in Cornwall, next.”

When he looked up at Remus, though, he hadn’t reached for the mirror, and there was an odd expression on his face.

“Moony, what is it?”

“Sirius, I… I don’t think we should go to Cornwall. I think we ought to go home first.”

“Home? But, why? Did something happen?” Sirius felt his blood going cold.

Remus swallowed hard, “I just talked to James, and… it’s the Longbottoms.”

Chapter Text

After Sirius, Remus and Mary had left, James spent the rest of his day trying to keep whatever his friends might be doing out of his mind, telling himself over and over again he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

And he was, he wholeheartedly knew he was, but it still felt… odd. He’d been keeping put, staying out of action for almost a year, so he was beginning to get used to it, but the circumstances were different now. It wasn’t a random Order mission he knew nothing about; it was personal.

But it did him no good to dwell on it. He would worry about his friends without being of any help and he would stress himself out for something that was completely out of his control. So, James sat back and tried focusing on his family, safe and sound right there, next to him.

It was nice having the flat only for themselves, for once. It wasn’t exactly their own place, but considering the amount of time they’d spent there over the years, it was home enough.

They played with Harry, listened to Remus and Sirius’ records, and read. Lily found a good book or two on Remus’ shelf and James let his mind wander through Sirius’ motorbike magazines, ever so amazed by all the things muggles managed to create without any magic.

They kept trying to pretend that it was just another normal day, and there was nothing to worry about. But James kept slipping his hand into the pocket where he kept his mirror, and, several times throughout the day, he caught Lily staring blankly at whatever book was in front of her, her eyes as still as the pages she’d forget to turn.

At some point mid-afternoon, the phone rang. Harry was woken up from his nap on the couch, startled by the sudden noise beside him. Lily jumped from the armchair, dropping her book to the floor. James stopped halfway to the bathroom.

They stared at the machine for the next few rings, until James was brought back to his senses by his son crying.

“It’s all right, Harry, shh… shhh, it was just a scare.”

James looked at Lily, who was picking up her book.

“God,” she said, sitting down, “I can’t take it much longer, you know? Living on edge, like this.”

“I know, darling.”

“You think we should have answered?”

“No, I think we better pretend there’s no one in, as much as we can. The only three people we need to stay in contact with have other ways of doing so, anyway. And I don’t reckon Peter can use a phone, much less know Remus’ number.”

“No, you’re right,” she replied, rubbing her forehead with the tip of her fingers.

“Hey,” James put Harry down, so he could play next to the sofa, and walked to Lily, kneeling on the floor in front of her. He held both of her shoulders, “it was just the telephone,” he said, in the same tone he’d used to calm Harry down.

“I know,” she looked at him with those absurdly green eyes; always so fierce and strong for everyone else, now they looked tired and scared. James pulled her to him and held her tight. He could still feel her raced heartbeat and held on until he could feel it settling to a calmer pace. “I just… why does it have to be him, James? Why our boy? Our Harry?”

“I don’t know, love,” he got up from the floor and settled himself on the armchair, pulling her to sit on his lap. Lily held him around the waist and rested her head on his chest. They watched their son playing with a magazine on the floor, totally oblivious to his parents' worries. “But we’ll protect him. I promise you, Lils. I’ll step in front of any curse for him.”

He kissed the top of her head, thinking he’d step in front of any curse for her too.

Lily went to get some sleep at around 6 p.m, taking Harry with her, and James was left to his own thoughts.

He put on one of Sirius’ old T-Rex albums, made a cup of tea and started flipping through another magazine. At some point, Sirius’ muffled voice made him jump.

James nearly didn’t manage to get the mirror out of his pocket, his hands trembling. There was urgency in Sirius’ calling.

“James? C’mon, Potter, you’re not sleeping, are you?!”

“Padfoot?! Are you all right?” James finally managed to stop his hand from shaking so he could see Sirius’ face. He looked unharmed.

“I- I don’t think I am, mate,” Sirius replied, with a weird voice.

“Why, what happened? D’you need me to come and help?”

“What?” A wave of soberness seemed to have washed over Sirius as he realised where James’ imagination must have gone. “No, no! Nothing like that! Everything’s fine! It was just, err… Remus and me. We were arguing and then I…    I think we almost kissed.”

James felt his body falling back on the couch, a mix of annoyance and relief washing over him. Classic Sirius Bloody Black, the dramatic!

“I’ll box your ears when you get back, Black.”

“Sorry, Prongs. Didn’t mean to startle you,” Sirius said, meekly.

“Yeah, next time try not to seem so desperate when you know we’re all living on our toes waiting for the next tragedy,” James sighed. “Ok, so you two fought, and then almost kissed. Any news?”

“Oi!” Sirius said, affronted.

“All right, sorry. Tell me what happened.”

Apparently, Moony and Padfoot hadn't exactly fought, but… sort of talked, for the first time in forever. It was a heated conversation, from what Sirius was saying, but still. It was a win for those two, as far as James could tell. The not-ending-in-sex part of it was certainly some kind of progress.

James considered telling Sirius about the phone but decided not to. He told himself it was because it wasn’t a big deal; Lily had said it might have been the company that provided Remus with the service; apparently, they did that sometimes. But deep down, he knew that telling Sirius would be admitting how terrified he was, not of one stupid phone call, necessarily, but of his own fear. How every time there was a sudden noise, his heart stopped for a second; how even in his dreams he was running or hiding from something. Or losing someone. It was a living nightmare.

Other than the little relationship advise session he held for Padfoot, the evening went on very quietly. He went to bed around 1 a.m., waking Lily up, since she was supposed to keep watch for the rest of the night. Then, he woke up at around 7 a.m., and put on the kettle as she fried some eggs. Later, Sirius called again to tell them they would be going over to the Pettigrew’s, to try and see if there was anything to be found there.

It was bloody frustrating, not being able to go along. Not that a stag would be as welcomed into Mrs Pettigrew’s living room as a dog would, but he wished he could be close by. To protect his friends, and to get Peter himself if he could.

Oh yes, there it was. It pained him to admit it, even if just to himself, how much he wanted to be the one to get to Peter; how badly he wished for that. He didn’t know exactly what he would do if he ever laid eyes on the little rat, but he knew damn well what he wanted to say… to ask.

It was almost 3 p.m. when they heard the crack out in the street. James was sitting on the floor, helping Harry put together a huge oversized puzzle (they were lucky Sirius always kept a cupboard with some of Harry’s toys and games in it, or the poor kid would have been just as bored as his parents).

Lily came hurrying from the kitchen, an empty mug in one hand and her wand in the other. James grabbed his own and stood up, pulling Harry up with him. The boy protested shortly before James shushed him.

“Noo!”

“Harry, this is one of those times daddy talked to you about being quiet, ok?” Later, it would occur to James how disturbing it was that a child that young would have had enough experiences with frights that he would know when to be quiet to protect himself.

Lily and James held their breaths, and their wands, until a knock on the door sounded, followed by a familiar voice.

“This is Albus Dumbledore.”

Lily closed her eyes for a moment, relaxing only slightly. When she opened them again, she asked: “What did you tell me was the reason behind making James the Head-Boy despite the fact of him never having been a prefect?”

“Because I believed having Mr Potter put under such a responsibility would allow him some… personal growth. Being quidditch captain had done him some good already, so I thought the extra layer would do the rest of the work.”

Lily hurried to open the door, closing it again as soon as Dumbledore was inside.

James had both his eyebrows raised at his former teacher, “Personal growth?”

“Good afternoon to you, too, Mr Potter. And yes, personal growth. Can you tell me I was wrong?”

James conceded. He settled Harry back down with his puzzle, “it’s all right, son,” and then cast muffliato around his corner of the living room. Dumbledore was watching him.

“I assume there’s no need for Harry to listen to unpleasant news,” he explained, “which I suspect is why you came, Dumbledore?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” the professor’s eyes seemed disturbed behind his half-moon spectacles.

“Well, let’s hear it, then,” Lily said, putting her mug down on the empty table and coming to stand next to James, reaching for his hand.

“Yes, in a moment,” Dumbledore said, “if you could, please, ask Sirius and Remus to join us out here. I’d very much like if I could avoid having to deliver the news twice, it’s… rather disturbing.”

James swallowed hard, a tingle of panic growing on his spine. In the rush of being sure whoever had apparated outside the flat wasn’t trying to kill them, and the relief of it being only Dumbledore, he had completely forgotten the headmaster wasn’t supposed to know what they were up to. They didn’t have an excuse ready because they’d foolishly assumed Dumbledore wouldn’t bother to show up for at least another week.

“Remus and Sirius are not here,” Lily said, and James was surprised at how calm she sounded. She squeezed his hand, only just, and he got the message at once. She’d do the explaining. “They left just this morning because Remus assumed someone might keep an eye on the flat around the full moon. So, they decided to leave some days earlier.”

“I see,” Dumbledore replied, his face impossible to read, “but, five days earlier? Isn’t that a bit… much?”

“Well, Remus thought the Death Eaters might start keeping watch on the days leading up to the moon, and on the ones following it.”

Dumbledore studied Lily’s face for a very long minute. James couldn’t tell whether or not he was buying the story, but if he didn’t believe her, he chose to ignore it.

“Very well, then,” he said finally, making himself at home in one of the armchairs. “Alice and Frank Longbottom have been attacked.”

James felt Lily’s hand going loose under his as if she suddenly lost all strength. He put his arm around her back, though he wasn’t entirely sure which one of them needed more steadying.

“Attacked. How?” Lily asked, her voice only little more than a whisper.

“The Cruciatus curse. We believe it was Belatrix and Rodolphus, and maybe some other death eaters were there too. But they were only stalling and… amusing themselves. Voldemort was on his way.”

The image of Sirius falling out of the fireplace when they were fifteen made its way to James’ eyes without asking for consent. He felt sick.

“Was on his… they’re… are they…?” Lily couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“Alive. Apparently, Alice had managed to fight back at some point, and only gathered enough strength to grab her son and her husband and disapparate. They managed to escape to Augusta’s and she called for me. The boy is unharmed, though the parents are… in a state.”

James felt a gigantic urge to hold his own son now, but he just didn’t trust his own arms. At last, he found his voice, or some weak imitation of it.

“In what state do you mean, Dumbledore?”

“There’s no point in trying to explain it while we don’t know the long-term consequences, but they are not quite… themselves. Alice is only slightly better off than Frank, that’s how we know about the Lestranges and Voldemort. Only Merlin knows how she managed to get them out of there.”

“Do we know why they were attacked? I mean, not that death eaters need much of a motive, but is there one?” James asked.

Dumbledore considered him for a moment.

“Yes, there is. Do you remember what I told you about the prophecy that might refer to little Harry?”

“Every word,” James replied.

“Then you’ll remember how I explained the prophecy did not make a direct mention to Harry, but to a child born at the end of the seventh month...”

“…whose parents had defied the Dark Lord three times,” James cut in, getting impatient, “I remember the bloody prophecy well enough, headmaster, could you please get to the point? What’s that to do with any of this?”

“Neville was born a day before Harry,” Lily said, her face was a mix of horror and understanding.

Dumbledore simply nodded.

“Wait, do you mean to tell us that the prophecy was about Frank and Alice’s boy, and not Harry?” James asked.

“No,” Dumbledore replied, “the prophecy might be about either of them. And Voldemort’s aware of both options and is not willing to take any chances.”

“So, he’s after our son and the Longbottom’s? And why didn’t you tell us about that any sooner?”

“For the same reason, I hadn’t told Frank and Alice about you. Because the least people who knew about it, the safer both your families would be.”

“Safer?” James felt the blood rising to his head.

“Yes,” Dumbledore answered, unperturbed, “you’ve seen what happens when you trust too many people, James. As much as I admire your loyalty to the people you care about, it’s not always wise to give in to such blind trust.”

“Do not talk to me about Peter!” James spat. “It’s his fault he betrayed us, not ours! I trusted a friend, and I’d do it again.”

“James.” Lily put a hand on his arm. She was kind but there was a warning in her eyes. She turned back to Dumbledore.

“Why are you telling us now, then?” She asked.

“To warn you. Alice and Frank were as safe as it gets without the Fidellius Charm, which Frank had refused to use. And they were found. Voldemort is getting restless and frustrated. Now, for the second time, he failed to get to his most desired victims, and I fear that will only make him more determined to find you. I’d advise you to leave this flat. I have a new safe house set aside for you, one Pettigrew doesn’t know about and therefore cannot tell on.”

James looked at Lily, hoping to get a solid answer on what they should do, but all he found was his own confusion reflected back at him.

“But you said Alice and Frank had been as safe as it gets. How can we know wherever you’re sending us off to isn’t going to be just as easy for the death eaters to locate?”

“Easier than your best friend’s flat?”

“Well, we’ve been here for days now, safely enough. At least here we get to stay close to the people we care about.”

“I’ve said it before, James, I have no objections to Sirius and Remus going into hiding alongside you. I just don’t think it’s wise to stay here any longer.”

James considered Dumbledore for a moment. He had very conflicted feelings about the professor. While he was no longer willing to put his entire fate on the old man’s hands, he also knew Dumbledore wasn’t entirely wrong about the flat not being the safest place. There had been Peter’s letter, after all, and they had no real clue of how certain he was that they were hiding there.

“We need to think, professor,” Lily finally said. “Sirius and Remus are not here right now and they are a part of this conversation.”

“I understand that, but if you’re going to move, I’d rather you did it soon.”

“We have ways of contacting them quickly. James and I will discuss this with them and get back to you before the next moon,” she said, and her tone made it very clear that it wasn’t a suggestion. She was just letting Dumbledore know how things would play out.

“Very well, then,” Dumbledore said. He seemed to understand he couldn’t force them out of London, because he didn’t press them any further on it.

“I’m glad we’re agreed on that, Professor. Is there anything else Lily and I can help you with, today?”

“No, James, I believe we’ve sorted everything that needed sorting, for now,” he replied, getting up. “There is, however, something I wish to say before I return to Hogwarts. As I’ve told you before, I admire deeply your loyalty to those you love. It is one of Gryffindor’s core virtues, and yet not many of those who walk into the red and gold tower have it in their hearts. Gryffindors also tend to have very big hearts that are, sometimes, overshadowed by their ego and ache for action and acts of bravery. But bravery can be dangerous at times, especially when put into action in the wake of heartbreak.”

He paused, his eyes were looking slightly downwards, staring at something. James looked at the spot: Peter’s letter had been left wide open, writings facing up, on top of the little coffee table.

“That’s…” James began, but Dumbledore’s eyes stared into his, and that was enough to silence him immediately.

“Be wise,” Dumbledore said, calmly, “you are not children anymore, but you are still young. And taking justice into your own hands, especially when the crime came at such personal cost, can be tempting, even desirable. But it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to, and even if it does… I don’t believe that kind of justice, or the consequences it might bare, are something you’ll wish to live with.  

For a split second, James had the impression those blue piercing eyes were focused on something neither him nor Lily could see. As if he’d lost himself in some old memory.

“I haven’t the foggiest idea of what you’re on about, professor,” James said simply, dismissing the conversation altogether.

Dumbledore sighed, conceding.

“I must be going. It was lovely to see you, and I hope you make the decision that suits you best” he smiled, kindly.

The door had barely closed behind their old headmaster, and James was already reaching for his pocket.

“You want to ask them about it now?” Lily asked. “But weren’t them at the Pettigrews’?”

“Not Moony. He’ll have stayed behind, and I bet Sirius gave him the mirror.”

“James, but don’t you think it’s better if we talk about this with Sirius present?” She was picking up Harry now, mindlessly kissing his head.

“I’m not talking about it through the mirror.”

“Then, what…”

“Moony, you there?” James was looking at his own reflection for only a couple of seconds before he could see Remus staring back at him.

“Prongs? Something wrong?”

“We’re just fine, but… I think you lot better come home.”

Remus frowned, “something’s happened, James. What aren’t you telling me.”

James swallowed. He thought of Frank and Alice; their kindness and bravery turned to pain. He didn’t want to deliver the news like that.

“It’s the Longbottoms. They’ve been attacked and… just come home, Moony. Please?”

Remus looked scared of inquiring any further, so he agreed.

“We’ll leave as soon as Mary and Sirius get back.”

“Cheers, mate.”

Chapter Text

The long fingers gripping his hand were making it sweaty and numb, but Remus didn’t care. He had been the one to reach out instinctively at the mention of the Cruciatus Curse, and hadn’t let go since.

They were all staring blankly ahead, no one able to say a word. James had told them Dumbledore’s visit in detail, though Remus wished he hadn’t. The image of Alice and Frank Longbottom being tortured for hours on end lingered on his brain, even though he hadn’t witnessed it.

On the subject of leaving London, no one seemed to have a decent enough opinion, either. Of course, their little flat wasn’t safe enough, they’d known it all along, but the idea of moving somewhere else, of isolating themselves completely from everything happening was something Remus couldn’t quite grasp yet. How would it work? Would they all just live together and then wait out for the war to end, praying no one would find them this time? How could they just sit out something that important? The Order was all scraps and pieces at that point: the Prewetts, the McKinnons, and Ferox were all dead, among so many others whose names Remus didn’t have the will to summon to his mind. And, now this. If all of them went into hiding, who would be left to fight?

But the idea of James or Lily being at the end of a green flash of light was just as unthinkable. A sudden image of Lily’s eyes staring into nothing and James’ body going cold materialised in Remus’ mind for a second; horrific but scaringly vivid, almost like a memory from another life. Losing them would be the end of him, Remus was sure of it. He wouldn’t make it.

“Maybe Dumbledore is right,” Mary finally broke the quiet, “maybe you ought to go somewhere safe, somewhere far away. For your safety, that’s the reasonable option.”

“It is,” Lily replied, tiredly, “but James and I have done it before. Completely vanished from the picture and it was… God, it was torture. We had people keeping us updated on what was happening but everything still felt so distant, so wrong. I felt so helpless, as if the world was on fire outside our window, but there was nothing we could do to help. I-, I don’t want to feel like that again.”

James nodded.

“I don’t fancy doing that again, either.”

“And we can’t just give up on finding Wormtail,” said Sirius. “I don’t reckon Dumbledore is putting a lot of effort into that. Without access to the Order, he can’t pass on information, so he’s nothing for dear old Albus to worry about.”

“But James and Lily can’t go out there openly looking for him, Sirius.” Mary insisted, “At least the two of them should go and be safe.” She turned to James, “you never leave this flat anyway; what’s the difference between hiding here or somewhere safer?”

“Being here, even if it’s torture that we’re out of action, still feels like we’re ready to jump in if we need to. We still feel in control, like we’re part of the narrative.”

“What narrative, Potter?! The narrative where we lose you and Lily too, or another Death Eater shows up to have their fun before You-Know-Who decides to join the party?” She snapped, and Remus recognised the same look in her eyes he’d seen the day Marlene was killed. It rose from the part of her that said enough, the same part that hadn’t even wanted to fight in the first place.

Back at Hogwarts, while the Marauders had talked about doing the noble thing and fantasized of adventures and heroic tales, while they’d dreamed of a happy ending and planned for the happily ever after, Mary had always seen it coming; all the loss and the cost of enlisting. She had seen the devastation and pain waiting around the corner, and every bit of her soul had told her not to do it, but she did it regardless. No wonder her Patronus was a lioness; she was the bravest of them all.

“Mary,” Lily said, kindly touching her knee, “we’re not trying to make things easier for them, trust me. But we just can’t bear the idea of doing nothing for another year.”

Mary sighed, closing her eyes and breathing in slowly to gather herself, “I know, I know, I- I’m sorry I snapped. I’m just so bloody scared of something happening to you.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to us, Mary. You have my word,” James said.

“That’s not something you can put your word to, James.” Remus said. He felt four sets of eyes burning holes into his own, but he didn’t falter. It needed to be said. “I’m sorry, I just want us to be realistic. I don’t think we can just wait for this mess to miraculously end, either, but I’m just as scared as Mary is. Look around us, we’re losing this war. We’re losing everybody.”

Sirius shivered beside him, and Remus squeezed his hand.

“We can’t sit around forever, no. But can we just… be reasonable?” He looked at Lily at this. She had been the one to ask it of him in the first place.

“Ok,” she replied, “let’s think then. What can we do?”

His mind was working fast. There was one thing he knew for sure.

“Well, first of all… you take on Dumbledore’s offer.”

“I thought we didn’t trust Dumbledore anymore, Moony?” Sirius looked at him, furrowing his brows. He had his thick dark hair up in a bun, held together in place by his wand. Remus had always loved it when he did that.

“We won’t let him take charge of everything. Accept his safe house, but put down your own conditions.”

“Which would be?” asked James, beginning to sound interested, though still doubtful.

Remus’ mind hadn’t gone that far in planning.

“I don’t know yet,” he said, after a long pause with all those expecting eyes on him. “But you did tell Dumbledore you’d answer him before the next moon. We have a few days to think about it.”

“Ok, I think that’s as good of a decision we’ll get to right now,” Lily said with a sigh.

“What about Pettigrew?” Sirius asked, pressing on the issue.

“I don’t know… What did Mrs Pettigrew say? You didn’t explain much before we came here,” Remus said.

With James’ urgent request for them to go back home and everything that followed, they still hadn’t had time to properly talk about Mary and Padfoot’s little adventure.

So, Sirius and Mary told them what happened, and Remus came to the conclusion he had already been working towards. He’d had enough time to think about their mission while waiting for Sirius and Mary to come back from the Pettigrews’, but he’d decided he would give them a chance to try and gather some information before pouring cold water on everything they’d done over the last couple of days. Visiting her had been his idea, after all.

“I don’t think we should keep looking for more letters,” he said, rather tentatively.

Sirius looked flabbergasted at him, letting go of his hand. Here we go, Remus thought.

“What the bloody hell are you talking about, Remus? You think we should just give up on finding them?”

“No, I just don’t think there’s anything to be found.”

“Moony, two days ago you were certain,” James said.

“We were never certain, James. We were just a bunch of hot-headed idiots determined to follow any lead, even if there wasn’t any lead at all.”

“And what were we supposed to do? Just sit and wait?” Sirius said, sharply.

“No, but we could have waited for our minds to clear up,” he replied, holding Sirius’ incredulous gaze. “We could have gotten a good night’s sleep and used our brains for more than three seconds before jumping into action.”

“Remus is right,” Lily said, “I think I regretted the whole thing the second you crossed that door, maybe even before that. What were we thinking? That Peter would risk sending something that could potentially lead anyone to him to several random locations? And even if he did, sending it to our house would have been as far as he’d dared to, and there was nothing there.”

“Yes, and I also don’t believe he’d send it to a bedroom over a muggle pub where Sirius and I spent one week in, ages ago,” Remus said. “That was as big of a stretch any theory could bear.”

“What do you reckon we should do then?” James asked. He was frustrated, but at least he wasn’t on the verge of fuming like Sirius was.

“Haven’t the foggiest,” Remus replied.

“We didn’t get much from Mrs Pettigrew, but we do know she’s not involved,” Mary said.

“We have nothing if we don’t have the letters,” Sirius said, bitterly.

“Wanting to have a lead and actually having one are two very different things, Sirius,” Remus snapped, growing short in patience. “You should stop trying to solve mysteries as if you’re some muggle detective; you’re no good at it.”

It was as if the room had lost a few degrees in temperature. Sirius’ shoulders sagged, and his annoyance was replaced by the look of someone who had just been slapped across the face.

“I think that’s enough talking war for one day. No one’s going anywhere right now, anyway,” Lily said; she’d always the best at reading a room. “Mary, honey, could you help me out in the kitchen? I reckon it’s time we start dinner. James, I think it’s about time Harry had his bath, don’t you?”

And the room emptied, leaving only Remus and Sirius in as much privacy as one could wish for in a one-bedroom flat currently housing six human beings.

They just stared for a good two minutes. Sirius still looking hurt, and Remus feeling rubbish for bringing that up again. He could’ve tried to take it back, but pretending Sirius’ mistrust of him didn’t matter anymore would be lying, and Remus didn’t want to lie.

“What’s even the point?” Sirius spoke first. He looked tired.

“The point of what?” Remus replied. He felt tired.

“Of us pretending we’ll just get better, eventually.” Sirius was speaking calmly, but Remus knew the storm would eventually come and some lightning bolt would set both of their tempers on fire. It always did. And he was so, so tired.

“Don’t you want us to get better?”

“Of course, I do. But by the way things are looking right now, it doesn’t feel like you’ll ever forget what I’ve done. And, honestly, Moony, you wouldn’t be wrong to hold onto that grudge.”

“I don’t think I can ever forget it, either,” Remus said, determined to not hold anything back, “but I want to forgive you, Padfoot, I do. And I know I can do it, I- I’ve done it before, haven’t I?” He cringed inwardly from bringing up their fifth year again, but if they were going to wind each other up, at least it would be with honesty.

He waited for the blow, but it didn’t come. Instead of spitting some wounded commentary back, Sirius looked down at his black boots.

“You have,” he said, “which is exactly why I’m so scared this will just be too much to come back from. This is not the first time I’ve broken your heart. It’s all my fault, all over again”

That was so far from the response he had been expecting, Remus had to stop and consider what it meant. He’d expected Sirius to ask him to stop bringing shit from their past into the conversation, but he simply… accepted it. And conceded to it.

They were not going to fight. The realisation took Remus completely off balance, and, for a moment, he didn’t know what to do next.

“Yes, it is,” he finally replied. “Which is why you need to understand that I still need some time to heal from that. You owe me that much, Sirius. Trust me, I don’t want to be snapping at you every five minutes, but I’m still hurting from what you’ve done. And, yet… maybe we can still do this; we can still go back to where we were before.”

Sirius considered this for a minute, then he shook his head.

“I don’t want to go back to that, Moony... No, no, I don’t mean it like that,” he added quickly; Remus’ sudden fright must have shown on his face. “I want you back, of course I do. I just don’t want us to do things the same way we always did.”

“What do you mean?”

“The whole fighting and making up by shagging thing we always do, and then not talking and trying to guess each other’s minds. I reckon that wasn’t very… healthy of us.”

“Healthy?” Remus said, slowly. “And what the hell gives you that idea?”

Sirius pursed his lips and answered very quietly.

“Prongs.”

“Prongs?”

“Yes, we… I told him. About the other night. He reckons we don’t talk enough, you and I.”

“Nonsense! We talk all the time.”

“Not regarding the important stuff, according to Mr Evans,” Sirius rolled his eyes back. “He says we have, and I quote, “communication issues”.”

“We do not!” Remus replied, exasperated, even though only a minute ago he had been struggling exactly with the idea of having a normal conversation.

“That’s what I told him, too, but… Moony, we sort of do. I mean, we only talk about what we need to talk about when we’re at each other’s throats.”

“We’re talking perfectly fine, right now!” Remus tried reasoning.

“Yes, after we’ve already had a bit of each other’s blood for the day,” Sirius raised one eyebrow. “And it’s an effort, even now. Don’t think I didn’t see that twinkle shining in your eyes, just a minute ago; the one you get just before an argument. The truth is we don’t sort our bullshit out until the boiling cauldron blows up in our faces. I’m not justifying what I did, I won’t do that! I’m just saying we need to have a proper conversation, and I reckon everyone else here agrees, since the room cleared so quickly.”

“Alright,” Remus conceded. He’d avoided having decent conversations his entire life, but he really couldn’t help himself, most of the time. He’d been taught to keep secrets from the time he was five. But Sirius was right; going back to what they had before would only send them in the same direction of never being in total peace with each other.

Ok, then.

He looked at Sirius, waiting.

“Oh, should I start now?” Sirius asked, suddenly terrified of his own idea.

“You want to do it, don’t you? Go on, then. Let’s get it over with.”

“Oh, ok… I, err, I dunno, should we maybe say something about the other that bothers us? I- I don’t know how to start.”

Remus sighed. He knew where to start.

“It bothers me when you act as if you know my problems better than I do. As if you have some clarity that I lack,” to his own surprise, the words rolled almost effortless out of his mouth.

“What do you mean?” Sirius inclined his head slightly, and Remus knew he was listening this time, really listening.

“Sometimes you act as if I don’t know the best way to deal with my… furry little problem. But it’s my lycanthropy, Sirius, has been since I was five. Maybe you don’t agree with the way I deal with my own condition sometimes, but you have no right to try and dictate what is best for me regarding that.”

Sirius bit his lower lip; he looked slightly ashamed of himself.

“I’m sorry I do that, I really am. I’ll do better, I promise.”

Remus didn’t know if he was more surprised at how easy it had been to say the words that had been weighting on his chest for years, or at how Sirius had simply nodded his head and taken the blow, without trying to create excuses of how much he cared and how he only ever wanted what was best for Remus. It was simple and it… felt good. It felt good to have his feelings acknowledged without question.

“Your turn,” Remus said.

Sirius considered his words, but only for a second.

“I hate it when you close yourself up and expect me to know what to do… or what to think. I know, you’re not the pouring out your heart and soul every five minutes kind, and that’s fine. But sometimes you just sulk and say nothing, and then you snap at me for saying the wrong thing. And I’m sorry that I do, but I just want to be there for you, and you won’t let me.”

“I really do that a lot, don’t I?” Remus said, deciding that if Sirius Orion Black could acknowledge his mistakes, so could he. “I guess I just don’t like to admit I need other people, even when I do… even when it’s you.”

Sirius was tearing up, icy blue eyes shining behind those thick, gorgeous eyelashes. There was a lonely black curl hanging loose over the left side of Sirius’ face, and Remus reached out and tugged it behind his ear.

“You do,” Sirius said, sadly. “And not just with me. You act as if you don’t want to bother other people, as if we’re doing you a favour when we offer you help. But we’re doing it because we love you, and because we care. And because you’d do the same for us and you wouldn’t think it a favour on your part, either.”

Remus didn’t say anything back. He didn’t think he could enunciate if he tried, so he let Sirius go on.

“I just love you so much, Moony. I want to be the person you go to, even when you feel like you can solve things on your own. Hell, even when you can solve things on your own! I want you to share that with me. I need you to need me, Moony. Because I need you.”

Sirius’ eyes shone so hard with so much sadness and love that Remus felt his chest tightening up. He felt so many things at once that he could’ve never named them all. He knew Sirius was right, he knew he’d closed himself off his entire life. It just hurt to admit it because admitting it would mean he ought to change it, and he was terrified of that. But having Sirius look at him with those pleading eyes, asking Remus not only to love him back but to allow himself to be loved… Something inside him thawed, sending shivers up and down his spine. He could feel his eyes swallowing up and his hands shaking.

“I need you, Padfoot,” his voice broke at the last word, along with the rest of him, and he fell into Sirius’ arms.

The next days until the full moon went by in a confusion of where one ended and the next began. Hadn’t it been by the pain and surge of energy that always surrounded that one night of the month, Remus might as well have lost track of time altogether. With the ever-changing watch shifts and the nights when nightmares wouldn’t let them relax, none of them remembered what it was like to have a decent sleep schedule; none except for Harry, who Lily and James made sure to go to bed and get up at the same time, every day.

But, when he could sleep, at least Remus wasn’t alone anymore.

Sleeping was all they did, really; not Remus nor Sirius were in the mood for anything else but curl into each other’s bodies and try to feel safe enough to be able to fall asleep. Being able to hold Sirius like that felt like emerging for air after months of living underwater. Every night, Remus buried his face in Sirius’ hair, inhaling the scent of him, and letting his mind melt with it.

They talked some more during those following days. It wasn’t like past times when they’d argued and then made up; something had shifted between them, as if this time their fixing it was more concrete, more lasting. Remus felt a bit weird with those oversharing conversations, as if he was forcing himself to go against every instinct in his body, but it seemed to be working, somehow, so he kept it going.

At some point, during the week, they came up with a plan regarding Dumbledore. They sent him a Patronus, telling him they’d be leaving for the safe house the day after the moon. Sirius had begun arguing that they should wait at least another day, so Remus could rest, but stopped short, muttering a quick “sorry” towards Remus when he realised what he was doing.

Mary called home letting them know she’d be away for another week or so. She wasn’t going with them to the safe house, but she wanted to be around for as long as possible.

As to what their demands on Dumbledore would be, it was that the four of them had full control over the security of the house and their own freedom to leave it in case they saw it fit. They didn’t want Dumbledore’s nosing around, because none of them planned to be confined to the place in case they had a new lead on Peter.

Speaking of Peter, they were most definitely not giving up on finding him. The letter they had would have to be used if they wanted to find him, but they’d do it strategically, only once James and Lily had taken Harry far away from the flat.

Remus only hoped it would all work out smoothly. He still felt like they were playing a game of hide and seek none of them knew the rules for.

On the 9^th, the phone rang.

They all jumped slightly, frightened by the sudden sound.

“It’s happened once or twice before, when you weren’t home. We thought it better not to answer it,” Lily said, staring at the phone. “Sorry, forgot to mention it.”

“It’s alright. But I’m going to answer it, now.” Remus wasn’t sure why he’d said that aloud; maybe to see if anyone would try and stop him. No one did, though he felt like James would jump in front of him and smash the thing against the wall any second now, by the way he looked.

Remus left his hand hanging over the device for another two rings before he picked it up. His heart was beating right behind his teeth, and he had to swallow hard a couple of times to control his voice.

“Hullo?”

“Remus?” Said a very familiar voice, on a heavy accent Remus knew all too well. His entire body relaxed instantly.

“Grant! God, it’s just you.”

He felt the room around him relaxing too, James and Lily settling back down, and Sirius switching the look on his face from deadly anxious to whatever was the odd expression he’d always kept only for Grant.

“Oi? What d’ya mean just me?”

“Sorry, I-, uhm, nothing. Just unexpected.”

“Alright, fine, if you ain’t gonna tell me. Where you been, wanker?”

“What d’you mean?”

“Phoned some days ago and no one picked up. Was beginning to worry.”

“Oh, I was… away,” he wasn’t lying.

“All mysterious, err? Shouldn’t be surprised, you’ve always been.”

“Ha! Well, am here now. Why you calling?”

“Since when do I need a reason? Wanted to check up on you, haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Yeah, I know, sorry. Things have been… busy.” Remus said, chewing the insides of his cheek. He wished he could just tell him everything. Grant had always been good at understanding Remus, even without the slightest clue of what his life actually looked like.

“Yeh, figured. Anyway, I’ll be in London next weekend, reckoned I’d stop by yours. That ok?”

“Actually, err… I won’t be in London next weekend.”

“Oh, well, I can make it the next, if it’s better.”

“Not really, I won’t be around for a while, to be honest. Something’s popped up and, err… dunno when I’ll be back.”

“Oh,” Grant sounded hurt, and Remus hated himself deeply.

“But I’ll give you a call when I get back, I promise!” he said quickly, hoping Grant could believe how much he meant it. “It might be a while, though, so I don’t want you to worry, ok?”

“Yeah, ok. Sure,” Grant said, sounding disappointed but not angry.

They went silent for a moment.

“Err, Grant?”

“Mmhm?”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here.”

Grant sighed, and Remus could practically see his sad smile.

“S’fine. You always pop back up, eventually. Told you already, we always snap back together.”

“Yeah, we do,” Remus smiled back.

“So, how’s that gorgeous posh loverboy of yours? Still breaking your heart every other week?”

Remus laughed, which was a welcomed change of mood because, a second ago, he’d been on the verge of crying.

“Yup. Never misses a shot. We’re working on it, though. He -,” he stole a glance at Sirius, who’d been pretending to listen to whatever James was babbling on about, and lowered his voice, “he’s working on it.”

“Good for him. He better cherish what he’s got his hands on, eh?”

“Shuddup, tosser.”

“Ha! Anyways, I better be off, break’s almost over.”

“Ok. Thanks for calling. I miss you.”

“Yeah, me too.” Grant got quiet for a moment, before saying with an odd voice, “Eerr… Remus?”

“Yup?”

“Dunno why, but there’s something I feel like I need to say. Just… be careful,” Grant said, very soberly.

“Always am,” Remus replied, with a knob forming in his throat. “Bye, Grant.”

“Bye.”

He put the phone back down and sat heavily on the couch. Sirius came to sit next to him, giving him a small smile.

“What did he want?”

“He was coming to visit. Told him he better not. That I’d be away for a while. Hate having to tiptoe around the truth with him,” he sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

“Pff, you don’t even like him,” Remus snorted, jokingly.

“I- might not be his biggest fan. But you care about him, and he obviously cares very much about you. Anyone who cares about my Moony has my sympathy, even if it doesn’t come easily to me,” he grabbed Remus’ hand. “So, yes, I’m sorry you can’t tell him what’s going on, I really am.”

“Thank you, Padfoot,” Remus squeezed his hand.

“Now, what he’s actually trying to say,” James chimed in, reminding Remus that he, Lily, Mary and Harry were still in the room, too, “is that even though he’s deeply and suffocatingly jealous of your dear friend, he’s also very determined not to be a twat to you anymore, so he’ll make the effort.”

Sirius tossed a pillow in James’ direction, laughing. James dived to the side and fell off the armchair he’d been sitting on. Harry burst on full giggling at the sight of his father all crumbled on the floor.

“Paddy, again!” he bellowed in his little voice, and everyone in the room lost it.

Remus felt his stomach hurt from laughter. Looking around the room, he thought about watching Harry grow up, and how much he wanted to have those people forever by his side. He thought of Grant, too, and felt more determined than ever to make it out of that mess alive.

They hadn’t been back at the flat for more than a couple of hours; James and Lily had already left with Harry, but Remus and Sirius were yet to follow them. They just needed to answer Peter’s letter first, and everyone had wanted Harry far away for that, in case it was a trap.

James hadn’t been very pleased with the idea of leaving the two of them behind, but Sirius had promised he would only wait for a few hours to see if a reply came back, and then he and Remus would set off themselves. Mary was going to check back on the flat the next day, so as to see if anyone had showed up or if anything weird had happened. It wasn’t really much of a plan, but it was what they had right now.

But Sirius was hovering over the parchment with no good idea as to what to say.

“Come on, Black. It’s not that hard to tell him you trust him,” Mary complained.

“It’s not that. He had asked for a suggestion as to where we could meet, I have no idea what we could reply to that. I wanted this to be a way to get some clue of where he’s been hiding.”

“Yeah, well at least we know the little rat has a bed,” Mary muttered.

Remus’ tired brain was craving nothing but sleep after an entire night running around and playing with Padfoot, and his body still ached from the transformation but, somehow, the answer to their question clicked on his head as if someone had lit up a fire in there. He sat up sharply and felt as if someone had just given him a shot of caffeine.

“What is it, Moony?” Sirius asked.

“I’m not sure, it’s just… a thought,” Remus replied.

“Care to share?”

“I might be very, very wrong, maybe it’s just the moon messing with my thoughts and bringing up memories but… I don’t know how we didn’t work it out sooner. He’s got a bed. And he’s somewhere he knows well enough, but it’s not much of a house…”

Sirius' eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened.

“He wouldn’t!”

“Wouldn’t he? He knows I’d never go back there willingly, nor would any of us agree to lock someone else up in that place.”

“The bloody rat.”

“Someone care to explain what’s happening here?” Mary interrupted.

“We know where Peter is,” Remus said simply. “Or, we think we know, but I have an idea as to how we can be sure.” As he explained, Sirius bent down and quickly finished writing the message.

Chapter Text

It had been the full moon the night before. It was odd, and sort of ironic that that’s where he’d spent the night, of all places. He wasn’t sure it was his best option, no one had looked for him there in almost two weeks, so, he was beginning to think it might actually be safe enough. But safe didn’t mean pleasant.

Even at its best, the Shrieking Shack had never been anywhere near pleasant. Now, it had been completely abandoned for over 3 years. Peter hoped his stay there wouldn’t have to last very much longer.

He’d assumed the marauders were looking for him, for one reason or another, and he was still holding on to some tiny thread of hope that they might still believe him. Yes, he’d seen them that night in Godric’s Hollow, and he’d seen Mary’s Patronus, but maybe they thought better of it later. James wouldn’t be convinced so easily that one of his friends had willingly delivered the Dark Lord to his doorstep, so maybe he would still believe Peter to be on his side.

But Sirius hadn’t replied to his letter, yet, and Peter didn’t know what to make of that.

The days had gone by, and nothing came back. Maybe they weren’t even in the flat; it was a very ridiculous hiding place, after all. But Peter couldn’t think of anywhere else where they might have gone to. He’d sent it in the hopes that Sirius’ ever reigning recklessness would take over him and he’d reply to it in a whim of curiosity.

Sirius had always been the easiest to manipulate, out of his three friends. James was the most trusting, yes, but he’d grown into a very reasonable man, who’d think a thousand times before jumping to conclusions. Remus was too smart and stubborn; trying to get him to do anything he wouldn’t naturally do required too much energy, and Peter had always been inclined to do the least amount of effort possible to accomplish any task.

Which left him with Sirius. Reckless, restless, action-thirsty, arrogant Sirius Black, who’d do almost anything to be the one to solve the mystery and the first to take action. He wasn’t very inclined to giving much thought to the fights he’d pick, especially regarding the softest of his spots: James.

Directing Black’s mistrust and paranoia towards Lupin had been essential to keeping his mind away from Peter in the last year. Sirius didn’t even see it happening. Peter would avoid talking about anything important whenever Remus was around, or he'd make worrying remarks about how his pack time might be affecting his friend. Sirius never openly said anything about not trusting Remus, but Peter had always been observant when it suited him.

Peter was lost in his thoughts, as he’d been for so many days before, without anyone to talk to. Through the cracks of the window, he could see the sun was high in the sky, and he was already thinking about transforming and sneaking out into the village to find some food when he heard the small cracking sound he’d been longing for. His head snapped away from the ceiling and saw the little piece of parchment on the dusted floor.

He almost fell off the creaking four-poster bed trying to get up. When he finally reached his goal, the letter finally in hand, he blinked heavily for a moment before looking at Sirius’ elegant handwriting.

“W.

I hope you haven’t been waiting for an answer for far too long. I’ve got no idea how long this has been here, only got home today. Don’t worry, they’re safe. I made sure of it. How are you? We’ve been worried to death about you, I can’t believe they found you, how did that happen?

I’m so bloody relieved to know you’re alive, fucking hell, Pet W. I reckon we should try and meet somewhere, so I can fill you in, and also so we can bring you back safely. Was talking to M and we’re thinking maybe somewhere near H? Remember that old cave, up from the village? Seems safe enough. What do you say?

Be safe,

P.

That was… surprising. Peter wasn’t sure if he could allow himself to be relieved. He’d sent the letter in hopes that Sirius might reply saying they still trusted him, but he had never truly expected to be believed, now that he stopped to think about it.

And although there was a tiny part of his brain telling him there was no logical reason why he should believe Sirius’ concern for him, telling him to be careful with what he would do next, the rest of him was tired. He’d been eating literal rubbish for over half a month and he’d go mad if he had to spend another bloody week in that wretched house. He had no chance in telling exactly where James and Lily were hiding, and there was no way he’d go back to the Dark Lord empty-handed; he’d be dead before he could see the green light coming his way.

No, his best shot was trying to regain his old pals’ trust, that’d been his plan when he sent the letter, after all. And Sirius seemed genuine enough for Peter’s desperate brain. Sirius would fill him in on what was happening, and then he’d have the information he needed to finally gain his place with his Dark Lord.

The cave wasn’t far from the shack. Peter could get there in half an hour, maybe, but he needed some time to prepare what he was going to say and to practice some defensive spells. Even his desperate brain wasn’t that stupid to go completely unprepared.

He took his wand and conjured an inkpot and a quill. Sitting on the floor, he took the nearly full scribbled-on parchment and squinted for a free spot on it. He checked his watch; 11:34 a.m.

Perfect. Be there today, 3 p.m.

W.

And the message disappeared with its characteristic crack.

Chapter Text

They had barely settled in when Sirius’ voice came shouting out of James’ pocked.

“Potter! C’mon mate, this is not the time to be slow.”

“Bloody hell, Padfoot, what happened? Has he replied?”

“Yes, but that’s not the best part. We’ve found him!”

Sirius explained how Remus had figured it all out, and how Peter’s reply had confirmed everything they’d suspected.

“The stupid rat said to meet him in just a few hours, but he’d have to be very close by to be able to get there that fast. He’s a rat! He might be fast but his legs are short and we all know he can’t apparate. I mean, of course he’s in the bloody Shack, how did we not think of it sooner?!” Sirius was grinning so hard it was starting to creep Lily out. He looked desperate, hungry, almost unhinged. A ravenous dog who could finally sniff the scent of meat.

“Blimey,” James replied, “you’re going to the cave, then?”

“Of course not! We’re leaving now. To the Shack,” Remus said.

“Ok, but please elaborate,” Lily said. “Why not just meet him at the cave? Why do you want to go now?”

“Because we don’t want to give him time to set something up in the bloody cave. I take it if we leave now, he’ll still be in the Shack by the time we get there.”

“We’ll catch the bloody rat with his guard down. I don’t reckon he’s left already, because he’ll want to be prepared. That’s why he’s given us almost four hours to get there.”

Lily felt her belly fluttering with anxiety and anticipation. Were they really that close to putting an end to that chapter? Or was it just another conclusion drawn without any real clues? But Remus seemed very keen on following this new lead, and he had been the one to ask for caution and reason just a few days ago, so maybe it really was something.

James’ face was blank, expressionless, but Lily knew him well enough to be able to see underneath it. He wanted to be there, but he also didn’t want to leave his son behind. He was struggling, and he blamed himself for even considering anything other than being next to Harry.

“Go,” she said simply.

“What?” he turned to her, startled.

“I said: go. Go, James. I know how much you need to be there.”

“I’m not leaving you and Harry alone. No, no way, Lily!” He was shaking his head franticly.

“Love,” she got closer and rested her hand on his face, “it’s ok. We’re safe here, it’s going to be just fine. You ought to be the one to do this, we both know that. You’ll regret it if you stay behind. Just be careful.”

“Lily, I-,”

“I’ll come and stay with her,” Mary’s voice came from the mirror, and James raised it back up so they could see her.

“I don’t need a bodyguard, Mary,” Lily said. “And I thought you wanted to get your hands on Peter, too.”

“All right, first of all,” Mary said, flashing her index finger; her bright red nail polish flashing through the mirror, “I’m not a body guard! No one thinks you’re incapable of taking care of yourself, Lily, but you have a child and it’s important you have back-up in a situation like this. Second of all,” another finger went up, “yes, I wish I could rip him to pieces with my own fingers, but what I really want is for him to pay for what he did. And I know our boys here will make sure of that. And, honestly, I don’t feel like chipping my nails today.”

James bit his lower lip, still not wanting to admit how badly he wanted to go because of how badly he also wanted to stay, but Mary’s offer seemed to make him slightly more comfortable with the idea.

“All right,” Lily said finally. “You can come over.”

James looked at her again, his eyes filled with guilt and doubt.

“Lily, I’m not sure if…”

“You are going, Potter.”

He loosened his shoulders and nodded, then told Mary to come as soon as possible, and the lads to wait for him outside the flat. He gave Lily the mirror and held Harry for a minute, close to his chest, telling him how much he loved him.

“I really don’t want to leave you two,” he said, looking at Lily.

But she already knew that.

Had it been anything else, anyone else, he would’ve never even considered leaving. He clearly didn’t want to go, but he needed to. Lily was fairly sure he blamed himself for Peter, which she knew made absolutely no sense. James had been the one to be betrayed, but he felt he could’ve done something to prevent it, to keep Peter on the right path.

James Potter was a believer; he believed in a better future, and he believed in people; especially the ones he loved. He was the kind of person who could never hold grudges for longer than a minute, and who knew there were two sides to every story; for him, there was always a reason, a background, a turning point. And Lily knew he was desperately looking for that.

She loved him for it, for his ability to show compassion, empathy and love even to those who’d hurt him the most. But it was also dangerous. He had a hard time fully holding other people accountable for their actions, very often at the cost of his own peace and safety. He’d done it for Regulus Black, by the way he talked about him (though only to Lily, he would never dare to bring him up in front of Sirius), and Lily understood where he was coming from when he said people are not merely good or evil, that they are a product of their situation.

She’d been like that once, too. Creating excuses and blaming herself. Sacrificing her own well-being and peace of mind for someone she’d once called a friend, and had loved as such. Lily had learned how to hold a grudge the hard way.

Because of that, she didn’t blame her husband for feeling he had questions he needed the answers to; she also knew there was nothing she could say that would change the way he felt about it. That was the sort of closure he’d have to find on his own.

James closed the front door after kissing her goodbye. As she heard the crack of him vanishing in thin air, she prayed that whatever he did next, it would bring him some peace.

James hadn’t been gone for long when Mary popped up at her front door.

Once she was inside, Lily took her around the place, and they explored the new house together.

It was big enough. The two bedrooms (one of them already set up with a crib for Harry) were in the back; they were quite spacious, with broad windows, opening up to the backyard. Oh, yes, the backyard. That was one of the blessings this house accounted for and that Lily had dearly missed during her stay at Sirius and Remus’ flat. It was surrounded by a high wooden fence, and was highly miss-cared for, which Lily was glad for. It’d give them something to occupy their bodies with, at least for a while. The kitchen was probably the biggest room in the house, with a big dinner table. The living room was cosy and small, with a couple of cream-coloured armchairs around the fireplace, a beige sofa, and what was the best little surprise in Lily’s opinion…

“You got a television!” Mary exclaimed in surprise, as soon as she laid eyes on it.

“Not us, really,” Lily replied, grinning, “must have been here already. I reckon this was a muggle house before. If you look around, you can find some other little things wizards would never have laying around the house. I’m really happy with the TV, though! Had been meaning to get one before we went into hiding. I miss it.”

They settled down at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, each.

“Oh, I know! What is it with wizards and their aversion to muggle technology, anyways?” Mary said.

“I don’t know, but it’s odd, isn’t it?”

“I’ve been trying to figure it all out since I first got to Hogwarts. Honestly, sometimes I feel that even the wizards that are most accepting of muggles and muggleborns still hold on to old grudges and prejudices.”

“I know what you mean. They don’t mind us existing, or even muggles and wizards getting married as long as we keep muggle things and culture far away from theirs, but then they want to celebrate freaking Christmas and Easter!”

“I know!” Mary said, laughing a bit, “What is that about?!”

They spent the rest of the morning laughing together and reminiscing their first years of Hogwarts, when everything was new and exciting. Lily did all she could to keep her mind away from James and whatever he might be up to. They had lunch together and watched some telly, trying to fill up their minds with something other than what they knew was happening in Hogsmeade, right now.

But there was one tiny detail chanting in the back of Lily’s mind. A question.

“Mary, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Mary turned to her, all ears.

“Why did you give up on going after Peter?”

Mary bit her lower lip, only slightly, before answering.

“I wanted to get him, don’t get me wrong on that. What he did to Marlene, I-,” she sighed, closing her eyes. “But what he did to James was something else entirely, Lily. And I know my friends. I know Lupin is playing the good responsible boy but he’s salivating on the inside. I know Black has never had more hatred in him for anyone else, not ever. And I know how important it was for Potter to be there. For me it was revenge for someone Peter got killed. For them, it’s about losing Peter himself.”

Lily merely nodded.

“Lily,” Mary said, reaching for her hand, “they’re going to be alright.”

“I know. I just-,” she squeezed Mary’s hand, “thank you for being here. I’m glad I’m not alone.”

“Of course,” Mary said, smiling.

They turned back to the TV, and Lily tried her best to pretend she was paying attention to whatever they were watching.

Chapter Text

James landed on a puddle, getting himself wet up to his knees, and splashing water on his friends as well.

“Bullocks,” Sirius said under his breath, before casting a quick drying charm on all three of them.

“Are we sure about this?” Remus asked.

“This was your idea!” James replied, turning to look at him.

“I know, I know. Sorry, I’m just…”

“I know,” James patted him on the shoulder. He was having second thoughts as well, and of course they could always turn away and go home, but not without making sure first.

James hadn’t left Lily and Harry behind to give up before even trying.

“Ready, lads?” He said, bringing all possible confidence into his voice. There wasn’t much, but it would have to do.

“Ready,” Sirius said, straightening his back. Remus nodded his agreement.

“All right, then.”

Sirius turned into Padfoot, James and Remus got under the invisibility cloak, and the three friends started making their way around the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

They wanted to avoid getting too close to the village. Even with one of them being a dog, the other two barely fit under James’ cloak, and he was sure their feet were not covered enough. But the cloak hid their bodies, and the forest did the rest.

The Forbidden Forest had always been one of James’ favourite places. While most Hogwarts students avoided it as much as possible, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter had explored its every little corner. They’d ran past every tree under the full moon light, taking over the night and believing themselves to be invincible. It was bittersweet, to say the least, that this is the path they chose to take on their way to get vengeance on one of their own.

Nobody said a word, as they made their way up. There wasn’t anything to be said, really, they just needed to get it all over with.

At some point, they had to leave the coverage of the forest and get out into a much more open field, which ended up slowing them down, since James and Remus had to slow their pace and crutch down (especially Remus) to make sure the cloak was covering them all the way down.

It was another 10 minutes until James caught a glimpse of the house.

The Shrieking Shack looked as haunted as ever. James felt Remus tense beside him and put a brotherly hand on his shoulder. Padfoot also slowed down his trotting and came to walk closer to Remus.

“Pads, you better step underneath with us,” James suggested, rising a side of the cloak for the dog to go under. Once invisible to the outside world, Sirius stood up on two feet again, sliding a hand into one of Remus’. It didn’t help matters much; if hiding two grown men was already difficult, keeping three of them completely covered was nearly impossible, but they managed.

“I think I could smell him a moment ago, but now I’m not sure. My senses are only any good when I’m a dog,” Sirius whispered, “Moony, what do you say?”

“Might be him, yes. I smell something too, something familiar. But I’m not 100% sure.”

“We’ll have to see it with our own eyes, then,” James said.

The rest of the way to the Shack was over in just a few minutes.

The moment they stepped in, ever so careful to make absolutely no noise, Remus raised both of his hands to stop them. He pointed to the ceiling, and then put a finger to his mouth to get them to stay quiet. James and Sirius nodded their understanding, and the trio started moving forward again.

The Shack was as grim as it had been all those years ago, when they first started spending the full moons with Remus. Everything there looked more like chunks of destroyed wood than actual furniture, and the abandonment of the last years showed on the thick layers of dust covering everything.

They walked slowly and in perfect synchrony. Their climbing of the wooden stairs lasted for ages, and it wasn’t until they finally reached the upstairs landing that James could hear what Remus had pointed at, earlier. There was a low voice muttering to itself, coming from inside the bedroom where Remus used to stay.

“I- I was forced… no, you twat, no one can force a secret-keeper to reveal the bloody secret… Maybe I can tell them… and that you-know-who has some new methods that break through the spell or something… Blimey, if only I could have asked the Dark Lord to send reinforcements…”

Hearing the familiar voice and its ever-anxious tones, James felt every last hair on his body standing up, the blood climbing its way to his head and his wand buzzing in his hand. He stepped out of the cloak, feeling Remus’ grip reach and then slip from his arm (“James, wait!”), and Sirius following right behind him.

He kicked the door open. Peter jumped, tripped and fell against the closest wall behind him. Then he got back to his feet, and James saw absolute terror washing over his little round face.

“Hiya there, Pete!” He said, not bothering to hide the sharpness in his voice.

“Wormy boy! Good to see you, mate,” Sirius sounded as if he were having loads of fun.

“Hello, Peter,” Remus came in last, folding the cloak and leaving it in a corner. He looked as calm as a breeze, “long time, no see!”

Peter had dropped his wand when he fell back. Sirius bent down and picked it up.

“Wow, Wormy. Is this going to be that easy?"

“J-j-james!” The most terrified smile James had ever seen made its creepy way across Peter’ face. “I’m so happy to see you safe! Godric, I was so bloody worried!”

“Were you, now, Wormtail?” James walked slowly up to Peter, letting his anger fill the air between them. “And when exactly was that? Before or after you gave my address to Voldemort?”

Peter’s face squirmed.

“Look, Prongs! He’s scared of his masters' name!” Sirius joked, standing to James’ right.

“Padfoot, we shouldn’t blame him for that,” Remus said, showing up at James’ left, “I too would be shrieking my balls if I’d just sent my boss to a dead end, where he didn’t manage to kill the one-year-old he was planning to.”

“What are you talking about?” Peter squeaked. “They f-f-forced me! They did things you couldn’t imagine! I’m so, so sorry, Prongs, I really am, you have to believe me. The Dark Lord; you don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” James bellowed, feeling his throat ache. He didn’t even know where all of that rage was coming from, and, honestly, he didn’t care. “We know about you, you bloody rat! We should have seen it sooner, you sneaking around and avoiding Order meetings, your absurd interest in secret missions… You were the bloody spy all along!”

“What? No, no! I’d never do that! I’m your friend, I- I- I’d never hurt any of you, you know that, right? C’mon, lads! It’s me, Peter!”

“Oooh, we know who you are, Pete,” Remus spoke, voice still steady as a rock, “you are the man who’s been passing information to Voldemort for over a year, you are the reason Dorcas Meadows is dead, you are the reason Marlene and her entire family are dead.”

“Are you mad, Remus? I would never!” His hands were twitching the way they did whenever they got caught red-handed on a prank.

It drove James’ attention to Peter’s long sleeves. Sirius seemed to be reading his thoughts because he stepped forward and pinned Peter against the wall, making him stay still, as James reached for his left arm and raised the sleeve up to his elbow. There it was. A skull with a serpent coming out of its mouth; ink and dark magic marking his childhood best friend’s skin. It wasn’t a theory anymore, or a conclusion drawn from several different events, that might have had a different explanation. It was concrete proof, it was undeniable.

It was heart-breaking.

James let go of Peter’s arm and stepped back, trying to keep his balance. He felt sick.

“Oh, believe me, Peter,” he said, voice low and hard, “I don’t understand it either. How can someone do that to the people who’ve been by his side his entire life, how could someone be so filthy and low and disgusting as to betray every single person who’s ever loved him. But you did it. That bloody mark on your skin is just confirmation of that.”

Peter’s face turned hard, very suddenly. He grasped as much dignity as he could with Sirius still pinning him to the wall, and straightened his back. He looked James dead in the eye.

James had never seen him like that, so self-assured and… brave?

“You don’t understand,” Peter said, echoing James' tone. “I was scared. We are losing the war, and you can’t exactly say no to them. I never wanted anyone to get hurt! What could I have done when they came asking?”

“You should have come to us!” Sirius was growling dangerously. “We would’ve helped you, we would’ve protected you! As we thought you’d have done for us! But you went off and delivered James and Lily on a silver plate to Voldemort, didn’t you? And you did it willingly! I bet it was the proudest moment of your miserable little life.”

Sirius shoved him down, and Peter fell to his knees. James looked down at the man he had loved like a brother and felt nothing but disgust.

“When, Peter?” He asked, his voice barely managing to come out of his throat.

Peter stared up at him, and opened his mouth in what looked like would be another wave of excuses.

“Don’t lie,” James said simply. “We know you switched sides willingly, we know you were perfectly happy to sit by and wait for Voldemort to wipe out all of us, one at a time. So, don’t waste our time trying to explain how you were forced or how you had no choice. You did have a choice. And you made it. What I’m asking you is when? At what moment did you look us in the eye and realised you didn’t care whether we lived or died? Did you ever care?”

Something seemed to die in Peter’s eyes, as if he suddenly realised there was no hope for his excuses. His face sobered up, though still a bit shook. He stood and walked over to the old four-post bed, sitting down heavily.

“I did care,” he said finally, “once, a long time ago. But I didn’t just wake up one morning and changed my mind. I- I just slowly realised I wasn’t as important to you anymore.”

“What the fuck are you on about, Pettigrew?” Remus said, finally starting to lose his calm demeanour. “We always cared. You were our fucking brother!”

“Well, I didn’t feel like it anymore. You went off to get married,” he gestured to James, “or to do whatever the hell you two are doing,” and to Sirius and Remus, “I wasn’t a part of it anymore…”

“You bastard!” Sirius said, his face contorted in anger, unhinged. “How dare you blame this on us? We’ve always been there for you, all of us! So, what, you were uncomfortable with Remus and I and jealous of James and Lily, so you decided to start killing muggles for a living? Don’t make me laugh, Peter, you did this to save your own skin! It’s always been that for you, hasn’t it? Since we were kids! You took James as your protector, and then me and Remus too. We provided you with a bit of laughter and saved your filthy arse whenever you needed us to!”

“And you said it yourself,” Remus added, “we’re losing the bloody war. You wouldn’t want to stick to the losing side when your friends are more interested in running to the front line rather than hiding under the covers with you, would you? So, if you had no choice but to fight, you would choose the team with better chances of winning.”

“I HAD NO CHOICE!” Peter shouted, standing up sharply. “I’m not James bloody Potter, or the werewolf everyone’s terrified to say two words to when he’s in a mood, or Sirius fucking Black with a fucking family protecting him on both sides!”

“What are you…” Sirius started, but Remus cut in.

With his fist.

James didn’t even see the blow coming. All he could properly register was Remus’ fist sending Peter’s head on a weird swirl backwards and the smaller boy falling back on the bad.

“You are pathetic, Peter,” Remus spat, “You keep belting that you had no choice, that you had no one. You had us. You bloody knew you had us, otherwise you wouldn’t have taken advantage of it. We would have died for you without thinking twice, and you still did it. So, forgive us for not pitying your cowardice and your lack of loyalty.”

“Please,” Peter looked up; his moment of strength was lost and there were tears in his eyes. His chin was already swallowing. Desperation took over his face. “It was a mistake. I- I regret it. Please, have mercy. For all that we’ve been through together! Remus, I-, I became an animagus to keep you company, didn’t I? It was dangerous, but I did it regardless.”

“You did. And I was grateful to you at the time. Now, I regret not tossing you in the lake the moment I saw you became a bloody rat.”

James thought of the moment Peter finally mastered his transformation and how he and Sirius had done all they could to convince him that being a rat wasn’t such a bad thing, that he would end up being quite useful for being so little.

They were fifteen, and had wanted to do all they could to be there for each other. Back then, James remembered thinking they would have each other’s backs till the very end, and nothing would ever come between their friendship. That being together and doing the right thing was all that mattered. Now, he stared down that little man standing before him with pleading eyes, and it dawned on James how he had never hated someone so much his entire life; not even Lord Voldemort himself. Hatred is stronger when it comes from love, from the loss of it.

James Potter lost a part of who he was, that night in Godric’s Hollow. Peter’s plan might not have succeeded, but he’d leave scars behind. He broke something inside of James, along with his trust; a fundamental piece of him, some sort of belief that had always held him together, and that he'd never win back.

He wouldn’t let him take anything else away. Peter Pettigrew didn’t deserve to be responsible for breaking another piece of who James was.

“Please, please, show me mercy!” Peter was bursting into tears, no longer bothering to look strong.

The next few moments went by as if they were a distant image, one that James couldn’t quite reach. Sirius and Remus grabbed Peter by the arms, tearing him away from the bed and throwing him on the floor, where he was now cowering and bowling.

“Sirius, please!”

Remus and Sirius were standing shoulder by shoulder, wands pointing to Peter’s swallowed face.

“You should have realised,” said Remus, quietly, “if Voldemort didn’t kill you, we would. Goodbye, Peter.”

“Potter, you joining in or what?” Sirius asked, impatiently.

A pause. The only sound in the Shrieking Shack was Peter’s crying.

“No,” said James, finally finding his senses again.

“What?” Sirius turned his head to look at him, confused.

“We can’t do it, Padfoot.”

“Are you mental?”

“He cost us too much already!” James shouted, because shouting was better than crying. “I don’t want to live the rest of my life knowing I killed someone I once called a friend. And I don’t want that for the two of you, either.”

“James, he…” Remus began.

“I know what he did, Remus! But we are not him. We don’t kill the people we love.”

Sirius had his jaw clenched so hard James was afraid his teeth would shatter under the pressure, but he held his furious gaze. Eventually, he nodded.

“Alright, Prongs. If anyone gets a say on this, it’s you.”

James turned to look at Remus, who merely nodded his agreement.

Peter threw himself forwards in James' direction.

“Thank you, James! Thank you!”

“Get off me!” James hissed, taking a step back. “This isn’t for you, Pettigrew. This is for me, and for Remus and Sirius. This is for my son; the little boy who would have called you uncle Pete. I don’t want him to grow up knowing the men raising have their friend’s blood on their hands. No matter what he did.”

At this, he looked at the other two. Remus had an odd, slightly surprised, look to his face that James couldn’t quite read. Sirius’ eyes were ravenous for Peter’s blood, but the mention of his godson was enough, and James knew that.

“Very well,” Sirius said, sobering up. “Hope you enjoy Azkaban, Pete. Stupefy!” with a swift move of his wand, he knocked Peter out to the floor, unconscious.

“Sirius!” Remus protested.

“What? I didn’t kill him. We ought to put him out, or do you want to give him the chance to transform and sneak away?”

“You’re right,” James said.

He rounded Peter’s limp body, trying to regain control of his own feelings.

Maybe it’d been all the adrenaline and urgency of the last hour, and some crazy instinct had been the only thing holding him together. But James stood between Sirius and Remus and put one arm around each of their shoulders. In a place that held such a huge part of their story, the three men stared down at Peter and contemplated the closure they’d been seeking for weeks, the physical and concrete proof of their worst fear. Of what that war had cost them.

James’ body faltered for a moment, and he felt Sirius and Remus closing themselves around him, blocking Peter from his view. He felt his eyes drowning and spilling without his consent, as he buried his face in Remus’ shoulder and felt Sirius resting a hand on his neck. They held each other and, soon enough, James wasn’t the only one whose body was shaking.

Chapter Text

Closure. It never happens quite the way you’d expect it to.

From the moment he’d learned about what his friend had done, the one thought in Sirius’ mind had been the idea of having Peter at the other end of his wand, making him pay the ultimate price.  But James had been right. That would’ve only left another wound behind, one Sirius wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to heal from.

Peter had been delivered for Dumbledore to deal with, and the old man had seemed anything but surprised when they showed up at the Order’s headquarters with Peter Pettigrew's unconscious body being carried behind them by invisible strings. They didn’t explain anything and barely exchanged three sentences with Dumbledore before turning on their heels and disapparating. They’d only assured him that Sirius and Remus would be showing up to the meetings, and would hear no word against it.

Coming back home, James had rushed inside to his son and wife, holding them both while relief spread across his face. The same expression took over Lily when she heard about what had happened, and Sirius smiled thinking that of course, she knew they wouldn’t do it.

Mary went home before that day had ended, looking very pleased with the outcome of the situation, which, for Sirius, was a bit of a surprise. He’d expected her to be furious to learn that the man who’d been responsible for Marlene McKinnon’s death was still alive, but when she heard the news, Mary merely nodded and gave them a very satisfied grin.

Now, Sirius, Remus, James, Lily and Harry were just one more family living in the outskirts of a muggle village, distant enough from any other house to avoid neighbours and visitors. The house was cosy and comfortable enough, and even though Sirius didn’t particularly appreciate the television sitting in the living room, Remus and Lily were happy to keep the damn thing on for most of the day, even if there was no one paying any attention to it. But it felt good, Sirius thought, being annoyed by something so mundane, so simple.

He certainly didn’t mind Remus falling asleep on his shoulder every night around the time the muggle news came on. He’d watch him nod off, his face losing its ever-worried features and settling into calmness. Sometimes he had a book resting on top of his chest, and it reminded Sirius of walking into the Gryffindor Common Room to find his Moony asleep in their usual sofa by the fire, of walking up to him and getting him to bed.

Back then, they’d had to be careful until they got to their dorms, not touching, acting as platonic as it was possible. Tonight, Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand after taking his book away and marking the page for him; he tugged his arm behind his back to make him more comfortable and placed a little kiss on the top of his head. It was sweet, it was safe. It was everything he’d ever wanted.

By the time they got up to go to bed, though, Remus was wide awake again. Sirius closed the bedroom door and, when he turned around, Remus was watching him softly.

“What?” Sirius smirked, resting his back against the closed door.

“Miss you,” Remus said.

“I’m right here,” Sirius smiled sweetly.

Sirius sat in the bed, next to Remus. He raised a hand and cupped his cheek in it, mindlessly rubbing his thumb over the nearest scar.

“You are,” Remus said, leaning into his touch, with a smile.

They’d been back for a few days, but the most physical they’d gotten with each other had been goodnight kisses. It hadn’t been something they’d planned, just a silent agreement. It might had been grief for the friend they’d lost, or maybe an adjusting period for the both of them and their own relationship. Sirius couldn’t remember when had been the last time he’d had Remus for himself, and that had been his own fault. So, he’d made up his mind to leave the first move for Moony to make, whenever he felt he was ready.

He finally was.

Sirius slipped his hand behind Remus’ neck and pulled him closer. It had been a while, but there are some things you just never forget. Years could go by, Sirius thought, I could go to hell and back, and I’d never forget how to love you, where to touch you… how to belong to you.

Their mouths collapsed gently. Without anything to prove and without anything to hide, there was no rush. They kissed, and they kissed some more. Mouths and necks and earlobes. Sirius felt alive; he could breathe again.

It went on forever, none of them wanting it to stop. When they broke apart, Sirius stared deep into Remus’ eyes, where there was only love to be seen. He felt Remus’ thumb gently following the contour of his mouth, so he left a kiss on that, too.

“I’m yours,” Remus said, and Sirius felt his entire soul flying off to another galaxy.

They shifted so that Sirius was now sitting on Remus’ lap, letting his leather jacket slip off his shoulders all the way to the floor; it was too hot to keep it on. He could stay like that forever, hanging on just by the touch of the man underneath him, pretending the rest of the world had vanished and the two of them were all there was. He could feel the electricity building between them, for the first time in months, as if it’d never left. The familiar old sparks rushing through his veins and driving his body closer to Remus’, until they were all tangled in each other with perfect ease.

It was different from what it had been before, and yet so familiar, so natural. The fire was the same as when they were teenagers, but their newfound trust and safety in each other made it all so much more intense and real. There was no tension to be overcome, no fight to be put off, or conversations to be ignored. There was only love, and desire and love and love and love. The moon and the stars had always belonged to the same sky, but they had never shone that bright.

Afterwards, Sirius laid his head on top of Remus’ bare chest, listening to his heartbeat and allowing it to determine the pace of his own. Remus had his hand tangled in Sirius’ hair, gently stroking his scalp. Sirius loved it when he did that.

“Moony?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m yours, too.”

The months slipped by without much notice of time or space.

Christmastime came and left without very much to punctuate it except for a Christmas dinner, where both Lily and Sirius made sure to do their best to convey as much of the holiday as they could, given the circumstances.

Lily’s birthday came in January, then Remus’ at the beginning of March, and James’ by the end of that month. Each of those were marked by a delicious cake and three rounds of Happy Birthday, making sure to celebrate the milestone of reaching the age of 22.

Winter melted into Spring, and Spring warmed its way into Summer. Harry grew in size and wit; adding more words to his vocabulary and more tricks to his arsenal by each passing day. Lily told him stories, James was the proudest dad alive, Remus talked to him in a very grown-up manner and Sirius… Sirius could delight himself in his godson’s company forever and never get bored.

But the war wasn’t over. No one had forgotten that.

Getting Peter arrested was a bonus to the Order and a feeling of decent enough justice for the remaining Marauders, but it didn’t put an end to anything. Voldemort was still out there; still after Harry, and still killing muggleborns and half-bloods for sport.

Once a week, Sirius and Remus would leave under James’ cloak to attend Order’s meetings, but those grew more daunting and less useful with each passing week. Voldemort was growing in strength and ranks, while the Order of the Phoenix dimmed and crumbled with its few remaining members. It was as if the meetings were nothing but a gathering to share bad news, count losses, and ask for caution.

“Hasn’t Dumbledore got any informants on their side? I mean, Voldemort clearly had his, we know that well enough, but I always reckoned we had ours too! How else did Dumbledore learn about the prophecy and who Voldemort was going to go after?” James asked, one night. They were all sitting around the kitchen table, cups of tea in hand. Remus was briefing James and Lily on the meeting he and Sirius had just come back from.

Sirius had Harry and was letting him entertain himself with the zipper on his leather jacket.

“I thought so too, but what kind of informant lets out crucial information like who the spy was?” Remus said.

“Dunno, mate. But maybe not every death eater knew Peter had switched. Maybe whoever Dumbledore’s spy is, they’re not someone very high ranked.”

“Useless, then.” Remus scoffed.

There were other concerns, as well. So far, Dumbledore had been able to keep Hogwarts safe, but he was beginning to fear for the school’s safety. Many children hadn’t returned from Christmas break, several of which were from families with known death eaters.

“He thinks Voldemort wants to take over Hogwarts?” Lily asked, horrified.

“I mean, eventually, yes. I think that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?” Sirius put in. “Why would he leave the place responsible for the education of all future generations of witches and wizards under Dumbledore’s command? If he’s going to take full power, Hogwarts is essential to secure it in the long run.”

“But he fears Dumbledore, doesn’t he?” James asked. “That’s always been a common belief, and I reckon it’s right. That’s why Dumbledore is the one pulling the strings on this side.”

“He does, but Dumbledore is only one man, no matter how powerful,” Remus chimed in. “And the entire Order of the Phoenix is falling apart… I don’t reckon that a school filled with children and teenagers could protect itself against an attack. Especially if Voldemort is on the verge of taking over the ministry.”

“But he already has the ministry.”

“Not openly,” Sirius replied, “I mean, effectively, yes, he’s in control of most of it and has great influence over the rest. But he’s still working under the covers, still using curses and manipulating. It’s a more effective way to convince the general population he’s not all that bad, rather than storming the place and setting fire to everything.”

“But if Voldemort is that strong within the Ministry…” James hid his face in his hands. “Azkaban…?”

Sirius knew what he was asking. He’d been wondering the very same thing for weeks now.

“Yes. He’ll have full control of the dementors soon enough, and will probably make sure his own followers get out just as fast.”

Sirius looked down at Harry, his enormous green eyes filled with curiosity while he meddled with whatever he could get his hands on.

“We did the right thing, Prongs,” he raised his gaze to meet James’, across the table. “Back in the Shack, you made the right call. I don’t regret it. If he gets out it’s because all of the rest is fucked up, but it’s not your fault.”

James nodded, though he still looked very disturbed.

“Ok, that’s enough for tonight,” Remus was getting up from the table. “Pronglet, come here with uncle Moony.”

“He’s with uncle Paddie now!” Sirius protested, but Harry already had his arms stretching out towards Remus, so he let him go.

“Yep, but it’s getting late and uncle Paddie has said he’d cook dinner tonight, and I’ve been dreaming about whatever he’ll come up with.”

“Alright, alright,” Sirius conceded. He couldn’t contain the smile building on his face at the sight of Remus settling down with Harry and his toys.

And another night slipped by in the same fashion as the several ones before. And so many after. Discussions of threats, that never fully came but were always lingering just around the corner, were as much a part of their weekly routine as waking up every morning

Missions became less common since there wasn’t much they could do about most situations, and there was very little useful information reaching headquarters these days. Sirius had been sent on one very dull mission with Mad-Eye, and Remus had tried it with the werewolves only once more, not spending more than a day away. It hadn’t worked.

Some days, Sirius felt as if staying at home would drive him insane. The boredom of not having much to do on top of the knowledge that the entire world was about to crumble down beneath his feet was all his brain needed to revisit some old and very dark places. Something Peter had said, back in the shack had triggered his mind, and now he would spiral into moments he hadn’t gone to in years, places he didn’t want to go back to. Guilt and grief he had left in the past, but the ghosts had started to haunt his dreams again.

James and Lily, too, were growing restless, to the point that for a couple of full moons they’d agreed James would accompany Remus, while Sirius stayed behind with Lily and Harry. But Lily didn’t even have that. She’d been kept out of the Peter debacle, the year before, and she wasn’t an animagus. She’d been stuck at home ever since they’d first gotten there, no outings at all.

James had gone with Remus for the full moon of May, and that’s when Sirius found her, at around 4 a.m., sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea. He hugged her from behind and kissed the top of her head.

“Couldn’t sleep, Evans?”

“Not really. You?”

“Nah, I can never sleep when Moony is off for a full moon without me. Even if I know he’s got Prongs,” he said, resolving that was true enough and there was no need to tell her about the nightmares that had kept him from relaxing without Remus by his side. “What about you? Worried about the Mr.?”

“Not that,” she replied with a sigh. “I kind of wish I could go along, you know? Been stuck for over a year, now. I-, yes, I want to be with Harry and I’m glad I get to keep him safe, but I also miss everything else, you know?”

Sirius contemplated her for a moment. She looked exhausted, and it wasn’t just from one sleepless night.

“It’s just… so frustrating. It’s like this nightmare keeps getting worse, and has absolutely no end,” Lily said, biting her nails.

“I know, love,” he said, sitting in the chair next to her and taking both of her hands into his. “I’m really sorry you don’t have ways of getting out, even if it’s only for one night, and I’m sorry the situation has been so shitty for so long.”

“Sirius, what if-” she looked up at him, suddenly, eyes as red as her hair. “What if we lose? What happens then?”

“Lily, we are not going to lose. D’you hear me?”

“But we already are-” but Sirius cut her midsentence.

“No, I won’t have this, not from you. You are the most hopeful person that I know. If you lose hope, Lily, the rest of us are doomed. You can’t do that, do you understand? We are going to keep fighting. At least for each other, if everything else goes to hell.”

He held her gaze, until she sighed, nodding.

“Ok.”

“Now, come on,” Sirius said, getting up and pulling her to her feet, too. “Let’s see if that talking box of yours has anything decent for us to watch.”

He’d sounded as convincing as he could, and tried to keep that same attitude on for the following weeks, even though he was just as terrified as Lily was, and nightmares wouldn’t let him sleep some nights. Flashes of bad memories tangled themselves within bad dreams and, most days, Sirius couldn’t even tell which was which.

And something Peter had said…

Apparently, closure also came at the price of opening up a new wound. A new old wound, to be exact.

Peter’s voice had been echoing in his head for months now, and Sirius had tried to brush over it and cast it away with absolutely no success.

“… Sirius fucking Black with a fucking family protecting him on both sides!”

What the hell had that been? Family protecting him on both sides?

He could well enough guess who he’d meant on this side: James and Lily and Remus or even Andromeda if he were to be precise about what he’d meant by “family”. But what about on Voldemort’s end?

Couldn’t have been his parents, Sirius was certain enough his mother and father would rather see him dead than have to say his name aloud again. His cousins weren’t any better; Bella was unhinged, a crazy bitch who Sirius wouldn’t put past killing him herself, the first chance she’d get. Narcissa was a bit more… sane, and would probably not go for murder at her first opportunity, but Sirius was pretty sure she would never spare him a second of her thoughts, no matter what for. So, that left him with…

No. He was dead. He’d been long dead by now. And even if he’d done something in life, Sirius doubted it’d have been anything on his behalf. But he couldn’t help but wonder. It had been said he’d been probably killed off because Voldemort was trying to scare the old families and keep them in line. Sirius hadn’t given it much thought at the time, but now he thought better of it. Regulus Black never stepped out of line.

What had it meant for him to be murdered? Had he been refusing orders or making demands? What sort of demands? Had he been nosing around where he shouldn’t have been?

Stop it, Sirius chastised himself, this is stupid and it won’t take me anywhere. Regulus is dead. I lost him a long time ago, and that’s on me.

That’s on me.

Sirius would shake his head, and shove those thoughts as far back as he could. He hadn’t told Remus or James anything. It was silly and pointless, so why would he bother anyone else with that nonsense? It was just embarrassing; to hold on to hope that his Death Eater brother would have had any ounce of pity for him was just desperate. And Sirius was no desperate man.

So, he tried his best to bury those thoughts as far deep as he could and enjoy the little moments he could find with his real family. He’d started spending more time with Lily, trying new recipes and occupying both of their troubled heads. He played with Harry and kept Remus company while he read; he even started watching bloody football with James (Prongs’ newest obsession). He tried and he tried to forget his brother and, for the better part of the days, he managed. But, then again, the nights were always the worst.

Moony would hold him close, and sometimes it almost felt as if he knew something was wrong, even though he never said anything. Sirius simply enjoyed the company and the safety, trying to lose himself in it and praying it’d be enough to keep his regrets out of his dreams.

So many regrets.

Someone being pulled down. Sirius would see his own eyes staring back at him, pleading for help. Only, they weren’t really his, they were someone else’s. Reggie. He had to get to him, he needed to hold him up. But he couldn’t move. Instead, he stared into flashbacks of his childhood, with Regulus creeping into his bed in the middle of the night after a particularly grim day for the House of Black.

His teenage years; his parents tightening their grip around Regulus after Sirius got sorted into Gryffindor, and the way Sirius resented his little brother for allowing them to.

Regulus’ words to him, as they got older: “you’re no brother of mine.”

Sirius’ answer to that: “suits me.”

Everything they had said to each other over the years, every time they’d hurt one another.

All they hadn’t said. The one last conversation they never managed to have.

Regulus forever falling down to some unknown demise. Sirius watching him slip away, night after night.

He felt so much guilt, so much shame. For the first time in his life, he would keep his thoughts to himself and hope no one would notice the countless nights when he’d wake up startled from yet another haunted dream. He didn’t plan on telling anyone, any of that. That was a ghost he was resolute to take with him to his grave. He deserved that. It was his punishment, his very own Azkaban, and he would suffer it alone for the rest of his life.

But, then, thank all of the stars in the sky for Remus Lupin.

Chapter Text

Remus stretched his arm to the side, looking for someone to hug, but all he found was an empty pillow. He opened his eyes and found Sirius sitting up, his back was turned to Remus and his head hung low. There was nothing to see the hours but, judging by how dark it still was, it was no time to be awake.

“Padfoot? Can’t sleep?” asked Remus, with a crooked voice.

Sirius shook his head and Remus reached a hand to rub his back, then realising Sirius was panting slightly.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He sat up and slid closer. “Sirius?”

Sirius finally looked up at him, looking utterly disturbed.

“Nightmare,” he managed to stutter out.

“Come here,” Remus pulled him closer and wrapped himself around him. “Want to tell me?”

There was some hesitation, but, eventually, he gave in with a sigh. He sounded exhausted.

“It… It was Regulus.”

Remus tightened his grip around him.

“Sirius…”

“He… He was slipping away to… to somewhere, I don’t know where, but it felt like…like he was reaching out for me to grab him and pull him up. But I just… I couldn’t move, Moony, I just let him go.”

Remus broke them apart and held Sirius’ face with his right hand, stroking his cheek.

“You’ve been thinking about him a lot, haven’t you?’

“You noticed?” His eyes grew wide.

Remus scoffed. “Of course, I did. You’ve always had this one very specific look on your face reserved only for your brother. And I’ve been seeing a lot of that lately.”

“Have I?”

“Yes. Now, want to tell me why he’s been haunting you again? I mean, it’s ok to think of him sometimes, but this is something else, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, only… it’s silly, really. It was something Peter said,” Sirius’s gaze was fixed on the floor, ashamed.

“Peter?”

“Back at the Shack. He said I had family protecting me on both sides.”

“Oh, and you think he meant Regulus?” He asked. Sirius nodded, and Remus’ mind flew back to that day. He remembered Peter saying something of the sort, but it’d never registered to him as anything much. And it had been so many months ago. “Sirius, have you been spiralling about that all this time? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought… I thought it was silly. Surely it didn’t mean anything, right?” he nearly pleaded, as if Remus could conjure him the answer that would put his mind at ease. “Why would I think anyone in my family would want to protect me? It’s stupid, I’m being stupid.”

“You’re not stupid!” Remus held both of Sirius’ hands in his. “This is clearly upsetting you. And that’s perfectly understandable. But are you sure he meant Regulus?”

“Reckon so,” Sirius shrugged. “It was definitely neither of my parents, nor my cousins. Don’t think they gave two shits whether I lived or died. My brother, though, he… he might’ve never been... I’ve always felt like, perhaps, if he’d had more time, or if I’d tried harder to be there for him…” Sirius trailed off, his eyes losing focus again as his mind went spiraling in what Remus knew all too well to be guilt.

“Sirius, no! Hey, hey,” he held Sirius’ face in both his hands now, forcing him to look at him. “Listen to me. It was not your fault. None of it was, ok? We’ve talked through this, before, years ago; he made his own choices. You were his older brother but that doesn’t mean you were responsible for him.”

“But I left him, Remus! And he was just a kid…”

“And so were you! Sirius, he got the mark when he was sixteen…”

“I fucked up when I was sixteen, too,” Sirius said, half-aloud, and shook his face free from Remus’ grasp. Remus sighed.

“You did. But it was a mistake, one you regretted the second you realised what you’d done. It meant you are reckless, and hot-headed, and a right dick, sometimes. But it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person! Need I remind you when you were fifteen, you were turning into a bloody animagus to help your half-blood werewolf friend during the full moons?”

Sirius was crying, silently, and Remus wiped his tears.

“Sirius, you left home to save yourself,” Remus pressed on, frustrated. “Christ, you were being… you were being tortured by your own parents because you refused to do exactly what he ended up doing a year later! You tried giving him what you had, you loved him and you tried protecting him, but there was only so much you could do if he refused to fight for himself. You can’t blame yourself for the path he chose, nor for what happened to him in the end. Do you understand that?”

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes heavily, but nodded. He kept quiet for a few minutes, and Remus simply held his hand; he couldn’t bear seeing the pain in Sirius’ eyes. He had never fully mourned his brother, had always put on a brave face, but Remus knew better than to think he didn’t care. The truth is that Sirius hadn’t thought he deserved to mourn Regulus the proper way.

“Do you reckon there’s anything to it, then? What Peter said?” Sirius finally looked up at him; there was a sort of frightened hope in his eyes. Remus breathed in deeply and squeezed his hand, deciding to be honest.

“I dunno, but there might be.”

Sirius’ eyes grew bigger, with the tiny spark of hope still shining in them. Remus felt a tug in his chest, realising there was another question underneath the one Sirius had asked: Do you think he loved me?

“Sirius, I don’t know whether or not Regulus was trying to pull any strings on your behalf. But I do know he cared for you, even if from afar, even if he hated you. Your brother loved you. In fact, I believe that might’ve been the only good thing he did his entire life.”

“Ok,” Sirius murmured. The spark was gone, but he looked calmer than before, more sober.

“But we can investigate, if you want. See what he was up to,” Remus offered.

“Really?”

“Really. Once all of this bullshit is dealt with, I’ll help you look into it, if it’ll give you peace of mind.”

“It will,” Sirius smiled, sadly.

Remus pulled him back into their bed. He laid his back on the bedframe, and let Sirius rest his head on his chest. He enveloped him with one arm, and used his free hand to run his fingers through the long raven hair. He felt Sirius’ heartbeat settling down to a normal pace.

“Thank you, Moony.” Sirius said, after a while. His voice was beginning to sound sleepy.

“Anything for you, Padfoot.”

“You are doing it.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Remus, I’m not stupid.”

“Aren’t you, though?”

“Oi!” A pillow was thrown in his direction.

“Sorry, Prongs. But I’m telling you, I’m not doing anything.”

“What are you not doing, Moony?” Sirius came in from the kitchen and sat beside him on the couch.

“James insists I’m messing with the TV and turning the sound down from his precious football game.”

“It’s not precious!” James protested. “It’s just really interesting. I’m trying to learn the rules and since Moony refuses to teach me, I have to pay extra attention.”

“I can’t teach you something I don’t know, Potter! Besides, why don’t you ask Lily?”

“He did!” Lily’s voice resonated from her bedroom. “And I’ve told him everything I know but it doesn’t seem to have satisfied him.”

“Evans, all you told me was that there are eleven players in each team and one ball being kicked around and the only person who’s allowed to touch the ball with their hands during the game is the goal keeper. That doesn’t explain much!”

“I’m sorry, Potter, but it’s all I have to offer you!”

“Useless!” James bellowed back at her.

“C’mon Prongs, nobody really needs another sport for you to go nuts about. Isn’t quidditch enough for us to endure?” Remus asked.

“I’m with Moony on this one.” Sirius said.

“Don’t side with Moony!” James chastised him before using his wand to raise the volume of the TV.

The game was only 34 minutes into the first half, and Remus sighed at the idea of having to endure another hour of it.

“If you must watch that,” he said, “I might as well go and read my book outside.”

He got up and went to the backyard. Lily had set up a comfortable space where they could sit and lounge in the fresh air; it was as close to freedom as they ever got, these days.

Remus opened his book and tried to relax. He’d half expected Sirius to follow him outside, but as much as he teased James about being all obsessed with the muggle sport, Remus had noticed him watching the players run after the ball with good interest, though he also sensed that Sirius had been using any excuse to distract his mind, lately.

He’d made his way through half a chapter, when he heard the door behind him opening up.

“Care if we join?” Lily walked out, Harry holding her hand and carrying a plush toy.

“Please, do,” Remus smiled at them. Harry walked to him and started pulling on his cardigan.

“Uncle Moony!”

“Harry, dear, let uncle Moony read his book,” Lily said, but Remus was already setting his book aside and getting Harry up to sit with him.

“Nah, my book can wait. Hey lad, what do you have there?” Remus pointed at the toy.

“My tag!” Harry replied.

“Your stag? Wow! And does it have a name?”

Harry looked lost for a moment, frustrated with himself for not thinking of a name for his plush pet. He seemed to think very hard for a minute, and then…

“Taggy!” He looked very proud of himself. Lily covered her mouth, giggling.

“Well, hello there, Taggy!” Remus said, patting the fluffy head.

Done with chatting to the adults, Harry got off from his sit and started running around the loan with his new named friend. He had a very steady pace for an almost-two-year-old, only stumbling a few times along the way. Lily and Remus smiled after him.

“You’re so good with him,” Lily said. “You and Sirius, both. I’m so glad he gets to have you two.”

“I’m glad to have him too,” Remus replied. “And I’m rather surprised at myself, mind you. I never thought I could actually deal with children They used to creep me out a bit.”

“Used to?” Lily raised an eyebrow.

“All right, they still do! But Harry is the exception. I just… I love him so much, Lily.”

“He loves you too.”

They went quiet for a moment, and Remus let his mind wander, reminiscing the night Lily and James had announced their pregnancy, and how much joy that day had brought; how much hope it had meant to have new life in a time when all they seemed to know was loss. When Harry was finally born, that shred of light had turned into an entire sun before Remus’ eyes. The existence of a future seemed possible again, with something to look forward to, something to fight for. Remus, who had never understood what the fuzz about children was all about, felt his heart being held in the tiny hands of a boy who carried Lily’s green eyes underneath James’ dark hair.

And, then, the news of the prophecy came, and the tiny bit of colour Harry Potter had brought back into the world vanished back to grey.

“It puts me at ease, you know?” Lily said, suddenly.

“Sorry?” Remus looked at her, snapping back to the present.

“Knowing he’ll be cared for and truly loved, if something happens.”

His heart dropped. Lily had been losing hope for a while now and Remus couldn’t stand witnessing it. She had always been so fearless and resilient, but even the sun’s light isn’t bright enough under some storms. Remus wanted to protest and say nothing would happen, but after so many near misses he couldn’t bring himself to reassure her of something he wasn’t sure of, himself.

“He will. He’s got the best godfather there is, after all.” He said, thinking of Sirius and how devoted he was to his godson.

“He’s got you too, Remus.”

Remus blushed, a smile breaking on his face.

“Yes, I s’pose someone’s got to hold Padfoot back from spoiling him into ruin.”

“Oi!” Sirius exclaimed, coming out to join them. “I don’t spoil him.”

“Yeah, you do,” Remus smirked.

“Spoil who?” James asked following his friend outside.

“Pronglet!” Sirius sat beside Remus

“Yeah, you do,” James agreed, joining Lily’s side.

“Weren’t you two watching the bloody game?” Lily inquired.

“Half-time,” James shrugged. “Anyways, you two seemed to be having a rather melodramatic moment out here, so I told Padfoot we should put an end to it.”

“If your plan was to stop the drama, why did you bring Sirius out with you,” Remus said, earning him an indignant nudge.

“Moony, what is it with you and attacking me today?!” Sirius tried to mockingly shove him off his chair, but Remus really lost his balance and quickly grabbed his boyfriend’s arm. The two collapsed together on the wet loan. James was doubling up with laughter while Sirius laid on top of Remus, chuckling against his chest.

“Get off me, you prick!” Remus said, twisting underneath Sirius to get him to stand up.

Sirius got up and extended a hand, hoisting Remus to his feet as well. Harry had run back into the group to see what all of the fuss had been about, and Sirius picked him up and instantly threw him in the air, driving the small boy to glee with joy. Once he sat back down next to Remus, he placed Harry between the two, and Remus kissed the top of the little kid’s head.

He looked back up at his friends. James and Lily were mindlessly holding hands and beaming at their son in adoration. Sirius put an arm around his shoulder and squeezed, and Remus met his blue eyes, suddenly feeling very loved and safe.

“Look at the lot of us,” Sirius said, gleaming with joy. “We’re a proper family.”

June went by slowly, taking its time to bore everyone out of their minds. Life in isolation had settled into a steady pace, and they tried not to think of everything they couldn’t do and instead concentrated on the fact that they were all alive.

The bad news coming from the Order, each week, were swallowed down like a bitter pill. Hard and dry, but quickly dealt with. They never dwelled on it, never mourned over it for too long. Their peace of mind was already shattered to pieces by the situation they were living in, and to hang on to bad news didn’t help matters very much.

So, they lived life as they could and, eventually, they would go on for a few days feeling like maybe they were finally safe. Maybe Voldemort had given up on chasing innocent children, and maybe it was just a matter of time before they could jump right back into action, and fight back.

But a prophecy had been made. And Lord Voldemort would never allow such a loose end to potentially dangle with his plans.

It was a Tuesday, June 29^th, a week or so before the first full moon of July, and Remus could already feel his body getting restless and his magic growing stronger. The day had been warm and calm, and the night had a waxing moon and a clear sky for a view. James was putting Harry to sleep, Remus and Lily were talking excitedly at the kitchen table, and Sirius was getting out of the shower (Remus had just heard the water stop running).

The alarms didn’t go off, and everyone was too distracted, too cosy in the little life they’d grown accustomed to, to notice anything wrong. Remus only felt it right before it happened; the smile on his face, from something Lily had just said, froze and fainted just a second before the front door opened up with a thud. Remus leaped to his feet, standing in the way between the kitchen and the living room, shoving Lily behind his back, and taking his wand out.

“Good evening,” a cold, rasped voice filled the house, as if whispered directly into each of their ears.

There were a few steps, so light Remus wasn’t sure if Lily’s hearing could capture them the way his could, and then, a man stepped out of the dark entranceway. He stopped in the middle of the living room, facing them.

He had a slightly distorted face; human, but not quite. His eyes were permanently blood-shot and contrasted weirdly with his extremely pale face. There was something ophidian about him. He held his wand in a smooth and elegant way which made it look almost as an extension of his body. Remus had never seen him before, not in person, but there was no question as to who that was.

“Where is the boy?” Voldemort asked.

Remus’ throat closed and he felt his entire body go rigid. He only hoped James had realised what was happening; that he’d take Harry and get the hell out of there. But, truly, there was no way out. Remus still felt the anti-apparition charms all over the place, and they were complex; there was no way of simply lifting them. And, regardless of that, James Potter would never run.

That thought scared the living hell out of Remus; surely James would realise that him being the one with Harry, he ought to run and hide. Surely… James, please.

His brain was racing, quickly glancing around for anything that could be of help, but the only thing he saw made his stomach drop through the floor: right there, in the middle of the living room and right behind Voldemort, James’ wand rested on the coffee table.

“He’s not here,” Lily finally said, with a shivering voice that nearly matched Voldemort’s, if not for the Dark Lord’s lack of emotion. She stepped out from behind Remus, wand held bravely ahead, and stood between Voldemort and the hallway that lead to the bedrooms. Remus followed her lead, standing beside her.

“Silly girl. Get out of the way,” Voldemort laughed, joyless. He stepped forward, as if he knew exactly where he was going.

“Stupefy!” Lily shouted, at the same time as Remus’ “Confringo!”, but Voldemort only waved his hand, blocking the spells and throwing them to the side, shattering a window across the living room.

Remus only had time to shout “Protego!” before whatever curse Voldemort was setting on them could hit, but the impact of the spells collapsing was enough to send them flying back through the hallway. Remus felt his back hit against Lily and James’ bedroom door with such strength that he broke it open. Now, he and Lily were inside the bedroom, stumbling to get up. Remus took a furtive look around; James and Harry were nowhere in sight, but he could still smell them, and, if he concentrated enough, he could hear James’ heavy breathing and his struggle to keep Harry still. The cloak.

Lily was already on her feet setting her wand ready for the next blow, and Remus had finally managed to stand up again. Voldemort walked easily and unconcerned, as if everyone else in that house was merely an inconvenience he would have to deal with before getting his final prize.

“Don’t be foolish,” he said, as he made his easy way through the hallway, “neither of you need to die. I can be merciful. Just give me the boy.”

Remus was already preparing his next curse, but, when Voldemort was walking past the bathroom, a voice shouted from the inside.

“BOMBARDA!” The door went through the air, throwing scatters of sharp wood in the Dark Lord’s direction before he could reach the bedroom. It should have cut him down to pieces; it would have, had it been any other wizard. But Voldemort simply stopped the wood mid-air and, with a twist of his wand, turned it all to ashes. It hadn’t been enough to harm him, but it did distract him from his main goal.

He turned his attention to his new attacker, and Sirius stepped out of the bathroom, face livid and dangerous. Remus had to blink a few times to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating, but Sirius was wearing nothing but a… a bathrobe. Trust Sirius Black to make a bloody entrance, Remus thought, a glimpse of amusement passing his brain in the midst of chaos.

Sirius started throwing curses and hexes Remus couldn’t even identify. Then, Remus stepped ahead, joining the duelling, but even with him and Sirius fighting from completely different directions, Voldemort still managed to escape every single spell.  At some point, he managed to redirect one of Sirius’ attacks to Remus, throwing him back into the bedroom floor. When he tried to move to get up again, he found that he couldn’t.

From where he was lying, Remus could see Lily murmuring spells around the room. She was trying to take down the anti-apparation charms, but the desperate look on her face told Remus it wasn’t working.

He turned his attention back to the hallway, where Sirius was still holding his ground, keeping Voldemort busy.

“Over my dead body, you snake!” Sirius growled, more dangerous than Remus had ever heard him before.

“As you wish, Black.”

A new explosion was sent into the bathroom. Remus couldn’t see what had happened, but Sirius wasn’t fighting back anymore, and the air gained a faint scent of blood.

Sirius! His brain was screaming, but his body still didn’t move a muscle. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lily charging forward.

She fought valiantly, throwing and blocking spells with fearlessness in her eyes. She was quick and she was brilliant; decking away from major curses and all the while blocking anything that could be accidentally sent into James and Harry’s direction.

“I’ve already told you, mudblood. You don’t need to die,” Voldemort spoke, his wand never ceasing to work.

“I don’t mind dying,” Lily replied. “Kill me instead. But don’t touch my son!”

Remus thought he could hear a chocking noise from a corner, and some ruffling. He willed James to stay quiet and hold Harry down. Keeping him under the cloak was their last chance at this point.

“Stupid girl,” Voldemort mocked. “You know your filthy blood has no worth to me. Now, where is the boy? I know he’s somewhere in this house, maybe in this very room that you seem so eager to defend. Tell me now, and I might show you mercy.”

“Never,” Lily growled.

“Crucio!”

She tried raising her hand, but blocking an unforgivable curse was nearly impossible. It was curious that Voldemort hadn’t used any of them so far tonight. He’d never cared for side casualties before.

Lily was thrown backwards, her body shaking and twisting in agony, her voice screaming in a pitch Remus would never be able to forget. He wanted to scream too, he wanted to get to her and make it stop.

Remus focused all of his strength in the magic around him, desperate to save her. He used everything inside of him to conjure something to set him free from Voldemort’s binding spell; his anger, his fear, his will to protect the people he loved. He could feel something growing inside of him, but it still wasn’t enough.

Then, everything happened in a matter of seconds.

He saw Harry stumbling out from under the cloak, with James desperately trying to catch hold of him again, but he was already running and crying for his mother.

When Voldemort saw his prey, he let go of Lily’s curse and turned to the child. In that split second, there was the beginning of a green blast from Voldemort’s wand and James stepping in front of his son.

Remus’ body vibrated with power, all the leftover magic in the air being sucked into his lungs, and something inside of him exploded. He directed it towards the space between James and Voldemort’s curse.

The green blast extinguished with a thud when it collapsed against Remus’ shield, and the impact sent James flying across the room, but Voldemort didn’t seem to mind whether or not the other man was dead; he wasn’t his target, after all. Remus tried summoning all of his will again, but his last attempt had sucked all of the power out of him, and he felt his sight growing dim. He cried out inwardly for Harry, concentrating every last bit of his strength in saving the boy, but it wasn’t enough, and Voldemort was faster.

The last thing Remus could properly see happening was Voldemort’s wand being raised at the crying boy while his mouth formed the final curse.

And then, everything went pitch black.

There was a new explosion, bigger than the previous ones.

Someone screamed.

It was quite chilly, as if someone had left a window wide open. Remus slowly opened his eyes. He could see the stars, which was odd, because he was pretty sure he wasn’t outside. His head was buzzing for some reason, and he took a moment to gather himself.

Someone was crying. A child. Harry.

And everything came back to Remus in a flood of clarity. He leaped to his feet, but had to steady himself on the nearest wall; he was weak and quite dizzy. He looked around, gathering his surroundings, and saw Lily getting to her feet slowly, across the room. James was starting to move where he had been thrown at a wall when the explosion hit him in full strength. Voldemort was nowhere to be seen, and Harry was sitting in the middle of the room, bawling his eyes out, terrified. Lily got to him, sobbing as she pressed her son to her chest. He was bleeding slightly from his forehead, but it didn’t seem like anything major.

Blood. Yes, Remus could smell it. A lot of blood. But it wasn’t Harry’s.

Sirius. His heart sunk, and he bolted to the bathroom.

He found him white as a sheet; his dark hair sunken in red. His whole body was limp and cold, but Remus could still feel his heartbeat. It was week and faulting, but it was still there.

“No, no, no, no, no! Don’t you fucking dare! Sirius? Sirius?!!” But Sirius didn’t respond.

“Remus?” James’ voice came in from the bedroom.

“James! It’s Sirius! I need my wand!”

James came in a second, his nose was bleeding slightly and there was a bruise on his left cheek. He fell to his knees, next to Remus and handed him a wand. It was Lily’s, but it’d have to do.

Remus started casting every spell he could think of, everything Madam Pomfrey had ever taught him to do for his own cuts, trying to stop the bleeding.

“Bloody hell, Black.” James muttered shakingly.

“How’s Harry?” Remus asked, in between spells.

“He seems ok, I think it’s just a cut.”

“What’s happening?” Lily walked in, Harry clasped against her chest, holding on around her neck. She gasped when she saw Sirius.

“Harry dear, go on with daddy. Remus, give me my wand.”

James took his son, and Lily knelt down beside Sirius. She started working, mumbling spells Remus had never heard before, motioning her wand over Sirius’ curls. Remus felt an odd warmth filling the room and, eventually, Sirius wasn’t bleeding anymore, and his heartbeat felt steadier and stronger.

“There,” Lily backed away, sitting on the floor with her back against the sink. “He should be fine by now, but he lost a lot of blood, he…he…” she let her head drop low and started crying.

James sat next to his wife, putting one arm around her while he held Harry with the other one. Remus adjusted Sirius so his head was lying on his lap.

For the first time since he’d woken up, Remus properly processed what had just happened. The horror of the last hour came back to him in flashes, and nothing made sense.

“Lily, are you ok?”

She shook her head. “Are any of us, really?”

Remus conceded.

“What… what happened?” She asked. “In the end, I… I didn’t… where is he?”

“I don’t know,” James replied. “When he… when he got you,” he looked at Lily, his eyes filled with guilt, pleading forgiveness. “Harry had been trying to get up all along, he was scared and keeping him under the cloak and having to watch… I- I didn’t have my bloody wand and I couldn’t help, I needed to keep Harry! And when Voldemort got you, I… my whole body went limp, and Harry slipped through my arms and ran to you. And I almost lost you both…” His voice cracked and, for the first time in his life, Remus witnessed James Potter sobbing.

“It’s ok, love. We’re ok,” Lily was the one holding him now, hushing him. He hid his face inside her red hair until he’d calmed down a little.

“But how are we ok?” James’ face emerged from Lily’s hair, wet and swollen. “He was… it was the killing curse. I stepped in front of Harry, I- I should be dead but there was something,” his eyes fixed on Remus’. “It was like the time Snape tried cursing me and you blocked it somehow. It wasn’t protego, protego wouldn’t have done it. It was something else.”

Remus knew he was right, but he couldn’t explain much of it, either. He didn’t even understand his magic well enough to control it, it mostly served him when he was under distress or when there were great amounts of external magic surrounding him. He reckoned there were both of those tonight.

“I’m not sure what it was, mate. Sometimes I… I can use the magic around me. But I don’t really know how I do it. It just happens,” he lowered his eyes, ashamed.

“Well, whatever it was you did, it bloody saved us.” James gave him a small smile.

“Not Harry, though,” Remus glanced back at the little kid, still shivering in his father’s arms. “I blocked your curse, James, but I couldn’t do anything for Harry’s. I tried, I swear I did, but I-, I was so weak. I blacked out before I could do anything. So, it wasn’t me who saved Harry. It was something else.”

“You still saved me,” James held his gaze, reassuringly.

“But what about Voldemort?” Lily asked. “Did he just… flee?”

“But why would he?” Remus asked.

“Dunno, but he’s not here, so…”

James’ voice was cut short by the sound of someone opening the front door. Everybody held in their breaths, scanning themselves and what condition they were in. If it was Voldemort coming back or any other death eater to finish the job, they didn’t stand a chance. James was the first to stand up, giving Harry to Lily and taking her wand. Before she could protest, he was out the door, making it to the living room.

“Who’s there?” His voice resonated in their destroyed little house.

“James?”

“Hagrid?” The relief he heard in James’ voice was instantly reflected in Remus’ chest.

“Yer alive!” Hagrid said, cheerful.

“Of course, I am! Wait… how did you know to come?”

“Dumbledore sent me. Said yeh been attacked. Said ter fetch Harry.”

“To fetch Harry?” James parroted, very slowly.

“Yes. Thought yeh might be dead…” Hagrid’s voice trailed off. When he spoke again, he sounded fearful. Remus reckoned he must have realised an attack had happened, even if James was still alive. “No one’s dead, are they?”

“No, no!” James said quickly. “But Sirius is hurt! We could use your help.”

Steps, and they showed up back through the gigantic hole where the bathroom door and its entire wall used to be.

“Bloody hell,” Hagrid exclaimed when he saw Sirius. “Is ‘e gonna be fine?”

“I think so,” Lily said. “But he needs care. Professional care. We need a healer, Hagrid.”

“Take ‘im to St. Mungus.” Hagrid said.

“We can’t. There are probably Death Eaters looming everywhere. We don’t know where Voldemort’s gone. He could be waiting for us to go look for help!”

Hagrid’s face, which had cringed at the sound of Voldemort’s name, now looked at them amused.

“Didn’ yeh know? Yeh-know-who’s gone!”

Chapter Text

Sirius blinked heavily for a moment. He knew he wasn’t in his own bed, and his head was pounding. The bright light from whatever room he was in didn’t help at all. His brain took only a few seconds to understand what had happened, and he sat up sharply, every bone in his body protesting against it.

“Harry?” He’d meant to shout, though it came out half-strangled and rusty. His mouth was dry, worse than his worst hangovers, and his sight hadn’t focussed properly yet.

“Sirius?!” A voice came from his left, and he turned his head to find a very blurry Remus hurrying over to him. “Here, have some water,” he said, gently placing a straw in Sirius’ mouth while rubbing his back.

Sirius took in a few gulps while his eyes finally adapted to the light and everything came back into focus. He was in a hospital room, shinning bright in white and light shades of blue. There was one armchair next to his bed and a couple of stools sat across the room, next to a table. Remus was the only other person there, and Sirius felt his chest tightening up, and looked up at the other man, who had a worried expression.

“How d’you feel?” he was asking, but Sirius ignored the question.

“Harry?” he asked again, nearly pleading. “James and Lily? Moony, where are they?”

“They’re alright, they’re alright!” Remus said, hurriedly. “Sorry, I should’ve started off with that. They’ve just gone out because Harry needed something checked, but they’ll be right back.”

“Something checked? What happened to him? Is he hurt?” Sirius’ head was still spinning a bit, both from the pain and from the shock of the events they’d just gone through.

“He’s fine, Padfoot, it was just a cut. Hey,” he kissed Sirius on the forehead, gently, “we’re all fine.”

Sirius relaxed under the touch, and automatically made space on his tiny bed for Remus to climb up beside him. Moony responded immediately, folding one arm around Sirius’ back and pulling him in. Sirius curled up on his chest and felt his hair being stroked.

“What happened?” he whispered.

“I-,” Remus hesitated for a moment. “I think it’s over, Padfoot.”

“What do you mean?” Sirius looked up at him, and saw an odd expression as if Remus was relieved but aslso scared to be so.

“After Voldemort… blew you up,” he screwed his face, “a lot happened. James was still holding Harry under the cloak, and I was petrified on the floor, and Lily… Lily was fighting him and he-, he did it to her, he-,” he stopped short, shutting his eyes unable to continue.

“He what, Moony?”

“Cruccio,” Lily’s voice chimed in, very suddenly, low and hard. Sirius looked up and saw her standing at the door frame. James had Harry, right behind her.

“He-,” Sirius looked in her eyes and, sure as hell, he could see it: the aftermath of the crucciatus curse, staring back at him. He’d had that look before, too, and sometimes he could still see it in the mirror. “Lily, come here,” he said, sitting up, with Remus’ help.

She walked over and he wrapped his arms around her in the most protective way he knew how. She breathed shakingly into his neck, and it occurred to him that, perhaps, she still hadn’t had a proper chance to process her own pain. He squeezed her a bit more.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into her ear; his throat was a tight knot.

“It’s fine now, love,” she said, stepping back and kissing his cheek. “And are you ok?”

“Just a headache,” he smiled, slightly, then looked at James, who was now standing next to Lily, very expectantly. “Prongs, you in one piece?”

“Yes,” James smiled. He reached and squeezed Sirius’ shoulder. At that moment, Harry, still holding on to his father’s neck, turned around, and Sirius could finally see his face.

His stomach dropped and he let out a sharp gasp.

“Moony, you told me he was fine. What is that?” he managed to say, though his voice had started to shake again. James and Lily exchanged looks, uncertain as to what to say.

“I-, I did tell you he had a scar,” Remus replied.

To call it a “scar” was quite the understatement. The cut started at the right top of his forehead and ramified down his face like the twigs of a dry tree, with some of the lower branches reaching his cheekbones and nose. No, not a tree, Sirius thought, a lightning bolt. He contemplated the marks now deeply contrasting against his godson’s skin, and a sting of recognition shimmered in Sirius’ brain. That scar was the product of dark magic, Sirius was well aware of that sort of cut. He knew it might slightly fade with time but, just like the neat lines in the back of his calves and the messy ones all over Remus’ body, it would never go away.

“So,” Sirius continued, exhausted, leaning back on Remus again, “tell me the rest?”

And Remus did. He narrated the rest of the events of the night before, as well as he could and as far as he understood them. He faltered when he got to the part about whatever shield he had conjured to save James.

“You saved me, Moony,” James said, for what sounded like not the first time.

“I don’t even know what that was,” Remus said, shyly.

“But you still did it.”

Apparently, after Voldemort vanished and Hagrid showed up, they managed to bring Sirius over to St. Mungus and that’s where they’d been for the past twenty-four hours.

Dumbledore had come over to try and explain what might have happened, though James wasn’t sure the old man understood it, himself. It had probably been a combination of factors, he’d said, and whatever Remus had done had saved James. No one could explain Harry’s survival nor his scar, though.

Voldemort had disappeared and, shortly after, his followers were gone, too. The ones in the Ministry under the Imperius curse came back to their senses, and some of his most trusted followers were nearly going mad, attacking everyone in sight. Some of them had been captured and were awaiting trial, and others had fled.

“Dumbledore reckons his inner circle had some sort of close connection to him, maybe through the mark, and they felt it, somehow, when their master fell. No one can tell for sure whether he’s dead or not, but the entirety of the dark party crumbling to shambles right after it happened… well, that’s how the Order is certain he’s definitely out of the picture.”

“Holy fuck,” Sirius muttered. His brain was working hard to understand what that meant, but it just didn’t seem like it could be real. “That’s it then? Is it over?”

“We reckon so. Dumbledore said he might still be out there, but not strong enough to continue. Either way, we won. It’s over,” James smiled at him.

Sirius felt his chest lighten up, and the feeling quickly climbed to his head, making him dizzy. The good kind of dizzy, though.  When he looked back at Remus, who was smiling at him, tears started pouring out of him uncontrollably.

“It’s bloody over, Moony,” he smiled, in between sobs, all the weight of the last years lifting away from his shoulders. Remus pulled him in for a kiss, half smiling and half crying as well.

“It’s fucking over.”

One day spent at St. Mungus was already too many days spent at St. Mungus. Sirius wanted to go home.

“Are you sure you’re well enough to apparate?” Lily asked while she gathered Sirius’ things inside a bag.

“I’ll side along with Moony. It’ll be fine,” he dismissed it.

“I’m just worried that you’ve lost a lot of blood, and you got hit hard. You should get some extra rest in you.”

“That’s what I plan to do. In my own bed,” he winked at her.

Lily just sighed in response and resumed her packing.

“Thank you,” Sirius said, out of the blue.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s not like you have too much to pack, anyway. I’m happy to help.”

“Not about that,” Sirius said, and she looked up at him, confused. “I mean, yes, about the packing,” he continued, “but about what you did back in the house. Remus said you stopped my bleeding and pretty much saved me.”

Lily’s cheeks flushed, and she smiled. “What, did you think I was going to let you bleed to death?” she smirked. “Please, James would have perished along, and I’m not ready to lose my husband yet.”

Sirius laughed fondly.

“How did you do it, anyway?” He asked. “I mean, how did you know what to do.”

Lily’s face straightened up.

“After James got hurt, a couple years ago… d’you remember that ambush?”

“The one when we lost Dorcas?”

“Yes,” she cleared her throat. “Well, I felt so scared that night. I really thought we were going to lose him and I just... I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there and… I didn’t want to ever feel that helpless, not ever again. So, before we left Potter Manor to go into hiding, I gathered all of Effie’s old healing books.”

“You’ve read them all?” Sirius asked, impressed. He put some socks into the bag he was filling, not sure if it was his or James’, but whatever.

“Most of them,” she gave him a shy smile, “not much to do when you go into hiding for over a year. And, anyway, I’m no healer, I just knew what to do to stop major bleeding.”

“Yes, but that was pretty amazing work, from what I’m told. You seem to really have a knack for it. Is that something you’d like to do?”

“What?” She looked at him and blinked a couple of times, dazzled, and it hit Sirius that it had probably been a long while since Lily last considered what she wanted to do with her life. Not that he had given any thought to his future yet. Surviving had been the only goal from the moment they left Hogwarts.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said thoughtfully, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “I’ve always wanted to work with potions, I even considered apothecary or something of the sort, back in the day.”

“Yes, I remember that,” Sirius replied. “Anyways, it’s not like you need to decide it now, there’s plenty of time to think about it.”

“And what about you?” She turned the question around. “What’s next for Sirius Black?”

“I-,” he didn’t know. “I don’t know.”

Sirius had even less of a plan than Lily ever did. His one and only goal in life had always only been ending that war and saving the people he loved. He’d managed most of it, but there was no picture for the future in his mind, now. Nowhere to go and no one to be. What was next for him?

A light knock on the door sounded, followed by one Remus Lupin walking into the room, a relaxed grin on his face.

“Ready to go home?”

Sirius beamed back at him, his heart set at ease at once. Because it didn’t really matter what the future held for him; if he had Remus by his side, he knew everything would be all right.

“Yes. Let’s go home, Moony.”

They didn’t bother cleaning the flat; only a quick sweep of the wand got rid of the heavy dust inside their bedroom, and the rest would have to wait. After all, they’d have all the time in the world for that.

Sirius and Remus both collapsed onto their bed as soon as they deemed it clean enough for some very well-earned sleep. Sirius felt very lightheaded after apparating and, if it weren’t for the comfort of being back in his own bed for the first time in months, he might have regretted his decision of rushing out of his cold hospital room.

But now he was warm and safeguarded under a very protective Moony spoon around him, and he couldn’t be happier. It wasn’t long until he felt Remus’ breathing growing deeper, and his own followed suit right after, falling into a dreamless and tranquil sleep.

When Sirius woke up again, he felt renewed and ready to take over the world. He felt his hair was being twirled with by warm fingers behind his head, and he turned around to look at his favourite view in the entire world: a freshly woken Remus Lupin.

“Morning, beautiful,” Remus said, still playing with Sirius’ hair.

“Morning, love.” Sirius chuckled and rubbed his eyes until they adapted to the swift light coming in through the cracks of the closed window. “How long have we been out?”

“Well, haven’t checked a clock yet, but considering it was still mid-afternoon when we blacked out, and we definitely slept through the night, I’d say we had enough.”

“Yeah, seems accurate to me,” Sirius sighed. “Ahh it feels so good, doesn’t it, Moony? To sleep like babies for once, not worrying about Death Eaters shooting through the windows at any given time?”

“Ha! It does. Never figured my favourite thing about this war ending would be sleep,” Remus stretched his body a little.

They fell quiet for a moment, while Sirius took the opportunity to look at the man beside him. Remus' honey curls were a mess around his face, and his eyes were still glassy from sleep; Sirius thought he had never seen anything so beautiful, and he could watch him forever, through the end of times and ever after, and never get tired.

He was contemplating how lucky they were to be able to be there, together; how lucky he was, when a memory invaded his mind, and he wasn't sure if it had been real or not.

“Moony?”

“Hmm?”

“Did I really duel Lord Voldemort while wearing a bathrobe or was that just a hallucination from hitting my head too hard?”

Remus barked out in laughter at that, the crinkles on the sides of his eyes showing themselves, and Sirius counted it a victory.

“Pads, you nearly made me drop my wand when you showed up at the bathroom door like that,” Remus replied, smile still wide. “I like to think that’s what threw Voldemort off his game for a bit, and, eventually, saved us all.”

Sirius contemplated those words for a moment, still trying to wrap his mind around them. The war was over. They’d won. They’d survived. His newfound lightness of mood took a slight twist into melancholy, thinking about the last days… and the last years.

“You know, for a hot second there, I thought we wouldn’t make it out alive,” Sirius said, his voice barely audible.

“Me too,” Remus replied, now rubbing Sirius’ right arm. “But we made it.”

Remus’ calm and assuring voice was all it took to rub Sirius’ sudden grey mood away from him, turning it into bright daylight. He looked into those honey eyes, staring back at him, and took a moment to appreciate the man lying next to him. Gorgeous as ever, but with the weight of war lifted off his shoulders; Remus was gleaming before his eyes, and Sirius couldn’t believe his luck.

For so long Sirius had lived in the dark, and he couldn’t see clearly. He’d wounded the man he loved most and trusted the wrong friend. He had crossed lines he couldn’t think could have been forgiven. Yet, they were. It wasn’t just their lives they’d been able to save, but also their love, and their idea of what it meant.

He kissed him, slowly but surely.

“We made it,” he echoed against Remus’ lips.

Once, Sirius had looked at Remus and felt his chest burning in shades of red, and he’d believed that’s what love was supposed to feel like. Now, intertwined in his Moony, Sirius felt his entire soul glowing. Love wasn’t meant to be scary, or dangerous; it didn’t have to keep you on edge in order to make you burn. Love was the calmness of the morning light crashing through the windows; it was peace and certainty and trust. And, still, it was able to light up every little piece of you; turn a cold bed into the sun itself. Love isn’t red, Sirius realised, it’s golden.

They could burn without getting hurt, and they could trust each other, at last. It was nature running its course; basic chemistry working out perfectly in a chain reaction that ended in fireworks. The same fireworks that had once upon a time sparkled the skies above Gryffindor Tower on a thirteen-year-old birthday celebration, of a boy Sirius didn't yet understand, but already loved.

That boy had grown up into the most important person in his life; the man whom Sirius now allowed to explore every inch of himself, giving him permission to take him, to own him. He was his, it was that simple.

A couple of hours later, when they finally managed to get up, they decided it was time to do a complete clean-up of the place before they could properly get back to living in it. It was nearly dark when they finally agreed that their home seemed habitable again and their stomachs worthy of a proper meal.

“There’s nothing in, though,” Remus pointed out. “Should we go down and get some Chinese?”

But Sirius quickly dismissed the idea. He had a better plan in mind.

He took Remus outside and into the nearest alley, where he took his hand and placed it in his arm.

“Trust me?” he asked, with a smirk.

Remus gazed back at him; eyes flickering with mischief. And love.

“Always.”

Chapter Text

Lily jumped out of her bed with a start, her heart racing in her chest and her ears buzzing. She was panting, and it took her a few seconds to remember where she was and what had woken her up.

She was home, really home. Back at Potter Manor (now clean to the last brick), in her bedroom. Her husband and child were still fast asleep in the bed she’d just jumped out of, both unbothered by whatever sound had disturbed her not-very-sweet dreams.

That sound. It had been the sound of someone apparating, probably in the backyard.

Fucking hell, she thought to herself, wasn’t this fucking nightmare over?

She grabbed her wand, deciding not to wake James just yet. He was loud whenever he’d just woken up, and she needed silence to check out the situation.

Lily creeped out to the hallway and concentrated her hearing in the noise now coming from the kitchen. Someone was whispering, rather loudly.

“See, Moony? I knew Lily would be the one clever enough to stock the cabinets before even starting the hard work around the place!”

“Good, I’m ravenous.”

The tight grip on her chest loosened up instantly, and her whole body shivered in relief. She felt, suddenly, very silly for jumping so fast to the conclusion that the invaders were anyone other than a starving Remus and a Sirius with no regards for boundaries when it came to anything James related, including his house, apparently.

She made her way downstairs, leaving her family to continue their rest. Getting to the kitchen, she stood on the threshold.

“Making ourselves at home, are we?” she smirked.

Remus turned around startled and had the decency to blush a little, but Sirius grinned back at her, perfectly unbothered.

“Good evening, Mrs. Prongs. Hungry? I’m making eggs.”

“For dinner?” She raised her eyebrows at him.

“You did just wake up, didn’t you? Besides, I didn’t want to pry too much on your food without your supervision and consent,” he replied, very siriusly.

“Oh, I see. Well, since you’re at it, I’ll have some. And you can already make some extra for the Mr., upstairs. We’ve been sleeping for most of the day, he might be joining us soon.”

“Your wish is my command,” Sirius beamed, and proceeded with his eggs.

Lily sat down next to Remus and rested her head on his shoulder.

“We ought to get those fireplaces back in the floo network,” she was saying. “Way more subtle than apparating. You two scared the living hell out of me.”

Remus looked down at her, suddenly, his eyes filled with guilt as he realised just how scared she’d probably gotten.

“Sorry,” he said, meekly.

“No, it’s all right,” she smiled, hoping it’d make her sound reassuring. “You didn’t mean to. And, anyways, I’m glad you’re both here. I’ve missed you.”

“Already? Bloody hell, Lily, we saw each other yesterday! Have you grown that attached?” Remus mocked.

She shrugged, not minding his making fun of her. It had been seven years of sharing a tower, then practically visiting each other every day after finishing school, and finally living together again, in hiding and under peril of death. So, yes, she had grown attached to those silly boys she loved so much.

She was right about James; he strolled inside the kitchen wide awake and bright as new just as Sirius was serving Lily her eggs. He carried a very sleepy and grumpy Harry, who kept trying to bury his face in his dad’s neck so he could go back to sleep.

“I’d like to believe you two missed me already but I have this gut feeling you just came over for the food,” James said.

“Right you are, mate,” Sirius replied. “Eggs? Tea?”

“Yes, please.”

Once everyone was settled down at the table, they quickly fell into the conversation of what the post-war wizarding community would be like.

They still hadn’t had a chance to see what their world looked like after the demise of one of the most dangerous wizards of all times. They’d gotten a briefing from Dumbledore, back at St. Mungus, plus the conversations they’d been able to overhear from the hospital’s corridors. From what Lily could gather, there’d been parties happening all over the country and families coming out of hiding or returning from exile.

It was the sun rising after a very long night. Even with the limited contact she’d had with the outside world, the lightness that filled the air was nearly palpable, and the leftover smoke didn’t seem to bother much of anyone who hadn’t seen the fire first-hand. She hardly doubted those people celebrating all over the United Kingdom would have mourned her or her family had one of them not survived the flames, as long as the result was the same: Voldemort gone.

She couldn’t blame them, not really. A part of her sometimes wished she’d been kept out of it, watching from the wings and letting other people take the centre stage. But deep down (not even that deep, really) Lily knew she could’ve never done it, nor could any of the people sitting at her kitchen table, right now.

Even knowing what they knew now, with all their scars and nightmares, trauma they would carry with them for the rest of their lives, she knew without a second beat that if they had to make the choice again, they would be fighting all the same. Sure, some choices would have been different along the way, but there was no running to be considered. As Gryffindors, they were conditioned to believe that that choice made them brave, but maybe they were just stupid. Maybe being stupid was a requirement for being brave, and, if it were, Lily didn’t care. It was also the right thing to do, so let the stupid kids be stupid enough to be the ones to do it.

The thing is, it was over now. Or at least part of it was.

Fighting a war doesn’t exactly leave you with time to think about the “after” of it. Maybe it’s because most people never actually get an “after”, or they’re just too scared too busy surviving to fathom the idea of living. Bottom line is, no Auror training program or Order of the Phoenix’s workshops prepare you to stop fighting, or to live with the consequences of the fights you did engage in. They needed to look forward, now, but what they were looking at, Lily wasn’t sure. They fought and they won, but no one could explain how. What winning meant, under the circumstances in which it happened, they didn’t know.

It didn’t escape her notice the odd and curious looks surrounding her son while he was getting tended to by a couple of healers; the number of people coming in just to “see if there was any help needed”, all the while having their eyes stuck on little Harry (on his forehead, to be more accurate), was highly overwhelming.

“But how did people know he had anything to do with it?” Sirius inquired when Lily brought up the subject.

“Oh, I don’t think it escaped anyone’s notice that we all were involved in it,” James said. “It’s not the first time the Dark Lord himself blew up one of our houses, and Harry’s scar is not something to be missed. People talk. Dumbledore had to give statements and I reckon so will we, eventually.”

“And let’s not forget Hagrid was there, and he’s quite the story teller,” Remus chimed in. “By the way, I still don’t understand why Dumbledore sent him. I mean, I like Hagrid and all but he’s not a fully trained wizard; not exactly the man I’d send to rescue someone under attack from Voldemort.”

“Yeah, I don’t like that,” James said, a weird shadow passing his face.

“What do you mean, love?” Lily inquired, quite bothered by his tone. James sighed.

“Do you remember what Hagrid said when he got there? He hadn’t been sent over to help, but to fetch Harry. That doesn’t sit right with me; feels like Dumbledore assumed we’d all be dead already, except Harry. It makes no sense.”

Lily considered those words with care. She had her doubts about Dumbledore’s ways and what his agenda was truly about, but the way James said it, the way he made it sound, it felt like the headmaster had, somehow… No! That was unthinkable; that was going too far!

“You think us dying was part of Dumbledore’s plan?” asked Sirius, giving voice to what Lily didn’t even dare think.

“Not exactly,” James replied, emphasising every syllable. “I don’t believe he planned the attack so we’d be dead; he’s definitely not been helping Voldemort. But we all knew it was a matter of time before he found us there, and I reckon Dumbledore did so, too. And, somehow, it feels like he was… counting on all of our deaths, except for Harry’s.”

“Well, there was the prophecy about how Harry was the one who could defeat him and all of that nonsense. Do you think it might have been related to that?” Lily said, trying to get the horrid image of Harry growing up without her or James out of her head.

Who would even raise him, if his parents and godparents were gone? James had no living relatives and the only one on her side was her sister. Lily wholeheartedly believed she’d overcome all laws of nature and come back from her rotten grave if Petunia were to ever get her son’s custody.

“Probably,” Sirius answered. “But it still doesn’t explain half of what happened that night. Besides the oddity of Harry’s survival to the killing curse without any sort of defence, how did all of us make it out alive? He was clearly more powerful than the four of us combined.”

“Exactly!” James said. “Did anybody else notice how he wouldn’t go for the killing, especially for Lily and Remus?”

It was true, Lily realised. Voldemort kept talking about them not needing to die, as if he was truly willing to spare them, at least her and Remus. He didn’t seem very troubled about throwing Sirius to his demise or killing James in order to get to Harry, though.

“But why us?” She asked. “Why would he spare the half-blood werewolf and the mugleborn instead of the purebloods?”

“Well, I have a guess regarding myself,” Remus said, looking bothered. “He uses werewolves, doesn’t he? And Greyback has been short in ranks since I caused half of his army to desert. He might have thought getting me to side with him would’ve been a good way of recharging his power over the dark creatures.”

“Makes sense,” Sirius said, throwing one arm around Remus’ back, protectively.

“Still doesn’t explain me,” Lily said.

“No, it doesn’t,” Remus nods. “But I have this odd feeling there are somethings from that night we will never get an explanation for. Why none of the wards worked, you-know-who going for the purebloods, and what happened in the end… Some of it I’m not even sure I want the answers to.”

What happened in the end. Lily diverged her attention to her son, who was now playing with his empty bottle of milk. The scar on his face wasn’t as prominent as it had been the night it was placed there, but it was still very shocking to anyone who saw it. Lily flinched at the idea of that being a part of him for the rest of his life.

It wasn’t so much the scar itself, and more what it meant. Other than being a constant reminder of the horrid things they’d gone through, it was also extremely recognisable. Lily had heard the whispers and, considering how the story was being told, soon enough everyone would know Harry’s name. But he was just a boy, who couldn’t even stand properly on his own when he survived the killing curse, God knows how. She hated the thought of him being on the stoplight for it.

For one, it meant he’d forever be a target; Lily wasn’t as stupid as to think there wouldn’t be left-over Death Eaters running loose, and some of them would most certainly seek revenge for their master. And then, there were the very impressionable people of the wizarding community calling Harry a hero or a saviour. Growing up listening to that sort of tale couldn’t be good for any child; it could either climb to his head or burden him with the responsibility to live up to that, for the rest of his life. Neither option sounded healthy, and all Lily wanted was for her son to have a normal childhood.

James had clearly seen her staring at their kid, and she saw her own worries reflected in his eyes.

“We’ll protect him,” he said, reaching for her hand. “We’ll keep a low profile and keep him away from any sort of press.”

“What, Harry?” Sirius asked, noticing the change of subject. “No one’s getting near him, as far as I’m concerned.”

“I know we’ll keep him safe and grounded, but eventually he’ll be out there. He’ll go to Hogwarts and people will know who he is.”

“Lily,” James said, “I worry too, but we’ll do our best, I swear it to you. Yes, eventually he is going to go into the world, there’s no hiding him from it. But he’ll be big enough to understand it, by the time that day comes. And we’ll talk to him and be there for him. That’s all we can really do, you know it.”

“Okay,” she nodded, a bit calmer than she’d been before.

“Besides,” said Remus, “we know plenty of people who wouldn’t be as thick as to be starstruck by who he is. People we trust, and who also have kids so Harry can make real friends, away from all that nonsense.”

“Exactly!” Sirius agreed. “Didn’t Arthur and Molly just have a daughter? That makes it at least four Weasleys close to Harry in age. We could invite them over for tea, for Harry’s birthday. And the Longbottom boy, too. I reckon he’ll be happy to make some friends.”

“That’s brilliant, Padfoot,” James cheered.

Lily liked the idea, too. Little kids wouldn’t be starstruck by a scar; little kids would want to play and mess around. They’d make Harry happy.

Making Harry happy was all that mattered.

July happened as if in a single day. Ending a war, it seemed, took just as much of your time as fighting one. From giving statements to attending trials, Lily and James had to help clean up the mess left behind by nearly 12 years of active war, 5 of which marked by the aggravation of direct conflicts, disappearing, and bloodshed. It was exhausting, but it was good to be exhausted, because it meant Lily would drop to her bed every night and fall asleep without a second blink.

So, when Harry’s birthday finally arrived, Lily was extremely happy to have something a bit more celebratory to occupy her mind with, instead of the dimness of dealing with Death Eaters’ trials, a set of events that had had a more frustrating outcome than Lily had expected.

“Innocent my arse!” Sirius had screamed into the wind, after leaving a particular trial, anger staining his face.

Lucius Malfoy hadn’t been the only Death Eater to slip through the cracks of their decaying justice system. In the wake of war, there was a sort of rush to simply end things, however it could be done. Some families were astute enough (and powerful and pure-blooded enough, Lily suspected) to get out with the excuse of having been imperioused and forced to serve the Dark Lord against their will. The belief seemed to be that, if there wasn’t a Master pulling the strings, the puppets presented no danger.

Severus got away too.

Lily didn’t know why or how, and, kept telling herself she didn’t care. She didn’t attend his trial and had asked James, Sirius and Remus to stay clear of it, as well. James bit his lip at her request, but nodded along with Remus. Sirius, looking really disappointed, tried a “But…”, but Lily glared at him; not angry, but supplicant, and he conceded with a sigh. She didn’t want to see Severus’ face or hear his name, ever again, if it were up to her.

But he clearly felt very differently.

It was a day at the beginning of August. James and Sirius were out with Harry, paying a visit to the Weasleys, which was lucky, in a way. It was only Remus and her in the house when the fireplace turned its flames into a shade of green, and he walked out.

Lily’s jaw dropped and her throat went numb.

“What the fuck?” Remus stood, looking at Severus in utter displeasure.

“I see not even a full wizarding education could teach a beast how to behave, Lupin. Ever heard of greetings?” His tone was cold, and there was no effort to disguise the hatred in his voice.

“I see not even witnessing half of your mates be sent into bloody Azkaban can teach a death eater about legal boundaries, Snape. Ever heard of not breaking and entering?” Remus’ voice was cold.

“Travelling by floo is perfectly legal.”

“I strongly doubt James would have had your fireplace as one of the authorized connections to his house.”

“And I strongly do not care about Potter,” Snape spat the name. “I came to talk to Lily.”

“I don’t think she wants to talk to you,” Remus replied.

“I don’t think I’ve asked your opinion.”

“And I don’t think you should be asking anything from anyone.”

They stared each other down, eyes cold as ice. As cold as Lily felt.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Remus hissed.

“I’m not going anywhere until she talks to me,” Severus’ words were calculated, and a shiver ran up Lily’s spine, bringing her voice back to the surface.

“Outside,” she managed to blurt. Both set of eyes darted towards her; Snape’s shining in content, and Remus’ in disbelief.

“Lily…” he began.

“Remus, please,” she nearly begged him. “Just stay here and… don’t call James or Sirius. There have been enough curses flying around us for the last few years. I don’t want another one of my houses blowing up. Please?”

Remus wasn’t happy with the idea, but he was intelligent enough to know she was right, and there was nothing he could do to stop her. He nodded.

She walked to the backyard, and Severus followed, closing the door behind him. She could still see the inside through the window, which was good because it meant Remus could see them as well.

“What do you want?” She asked, sharply. She didn’t want to talk to him, not really, but something deep inside told her she needed to.

“I want to ask you for a second chance,” he said it as if it was the simplest request in the world.

Lily laughed.

“Have you gone mental?”

“No, I’m very sane, thank you.” He was perfectly put together, not a shadow of any hidden intention showing on his face. “I only believe we could maybe start over.”

“And what on earth makes you believe that’s possible? You might have been deemed innocent in court, but you know very well that card won’t fly with me.”

“It’s not about being innocent. It’s about what I’ve done for you.” He spoke very calmly, but there was some superiority tone to the way he talked.

“What the hell do you mean?”

“The Dark Lord did spare your life, didn’t he?”

“He-.”

And Lily’s heart sunk as the answer she’d been looking for dawned on her.

“Severus, what have you done?” She breathed.

“It was because of me, Lily. I’m the one who asked him to spare your life, to keep you alive. He trusted me; you see? The Dark Lord. And I knew he was after Potter’s child, so I begged him to spare you.”

Lily felt her breath hitching, and her head spiralled around the meaning of what he was saying. Could he truly have been so low? So cruel?

“You’re telling me you told Voldemort not to kill me, while he was going after Harry?”

“Yes.”

Disgust built in her throat, and she felt the blood raising to her head quickly. He’d asked for her life to be spared, which meant had Severus had his way in the situation, Lily would’ve been the only one to survive, as her little boy and the man she loved were taken from her. As the pieces fell into place, she could feel whatever residual care she might have held for Severus Snape shatter on the lawn beneath her feet.

“I take it you didn’t specify any other lives for him, did you, Severus?”

He looked confused, but arrogant all the same.

“Lily, I saved your lif-,”

“You BASTARD! You call that saving my life?! You didn’t care for my husband, or my son, or my friends! You would have them all dead and then what?! What did you think would happen? That you would fall back into my good graces?”

“I never cared for Potter, you know that, Lily. Why should I want his life spared? And, as for his child-“

“MY CHILD, SEVERUS! HARRY IS MY SON! AND YOU WOULD HAVE HIM DEAD WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT AND YOU WANT ME TO THANK YOU?”

“Lily,” he was annoyed. Annoyed. As if she were being childish or this was just some silly discussion over a potions’ assignment. “You know you’re the only one I ever cared about. I just never wanted to see you hurt.”

“Oh my fucking God! You don’t get it, do you? You have hurt me, time and time again, Severus! I thought you were my friend and had just been unfortunate to grow up in a horrid home. And I was sorry for you, and I wanted to help you. Because I thought, maybe deep down, you were a good man. But there’s nothing good about you, is there?! You’re rotten, you’re cruel! You don’t care for me, you care about having me! And those are very different things.”

“Lily!”

“Shut up, I’m the one talking here,” she didn’t dare stop, for she might break down into a million pieces. “You don’t know what love is. And I tried showing it to you, I tried being your friend. I did it for longer than I should have, now that I think of it. But it was never enough, and I’m sorry that I failed. But I’m not sorry I walked away. I did it for me, and for my real friends. Who are good people, and care for me.”

At that, Snape laughed. It was low and crisp, and very disturbing.

“Good people? Potter and Black, you mean? The ones who used to jinx me in the hallways, who pulled that stupid prank that might have killed me?! And the werewolf? Didn’t their own pet rat turn against them?”

“You wash your greasy mouth to speak of them. They might have been immature, and they’ve made mistakes, but they were never deliberately cruel. And don’t you dare speak of Peter…” she trailed off, something finally occurring to her. She swallowed, searching for the strength to ask. “Did you know that Peter was a spy?”

“I knew there was someone from the Order,” there wasn’t an ounce of regret in his eyes, “I didn’t know who, exactly, but I did guess; it wasn’t that hard to see, if you’ve got a brain. You lot are too trusting and blinded by it,” he rolled his eyes. “Pathetic, really. That’s why so many of you died-”

Lily’s hand was flying across his face before she could even understand what she was doing. The slap left a red palm stained against his cheek, and it took him a second to stare back at her. He looked disappointed.

“I hoped you would have better presence of mind, Lily. But I see your time with Potter has turned you into a savage just like him.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, mostly because she felt she was seeing him, truly seeing him, for the first time, and her eyesight needed adjusting.

“Now, you listen to me, Snape,” she said his name with the same loathing he always used for James’. “I don’t want to see your face around here, ever again. I don’t want to hear from you or of you. I don’t bloody care how you escaped being sent off to Azkaban, but you shouldn’t have. Now, get the hell out of my house.”

He opened small smile, cold and smug as only Severus Snape could master. “Oh, but you will hear from me Lily; eventually you will. You see, I’ve got a new job.”

“Ha! And who would be bonkers enough to hire you?”

“Why, Dumbledore, of course!” His smile sharpened, but it lacked any joy. “You see, Slughorn has decided the stress of teaching in the midst of a war was enough for a lifetime. He’s retired.”

That couldn’t be true, it sounded like a nightmare, a fresh hell. The simple idea of Snape being in charge of children was just as terrifying as any visit from Voldemort himself.

“Dumbledore would never…”

“Oh, but he already did. How do you think I got a connection to your floo network? I came straight from Hogwarts, I’d assumed you’d keep connection to the school. I start as the new Potion’s master in September.”

Lily couldn’t take it anymore. Just having to listen to his voice was making her sick.

“Get the hell out of my house,” she repeated and, finally, he obliged.

“Goodbye, Lily.” He said, before walking back inside and going straight into the fireplace, disappearing with a twist of the green flames.

Lily stood there, staring blankly ahead. She saw Remus coming to meet her outside, but couldn’t really focus on his face. She felt funny, but wasn’t sure what it was.

“Lily, are you all right?” He asked, pulling her into a hug.

“Yeah, I-.”

She let herself be buried inside Remus’ enormous embrace. That’s what a friend is supposed to be like, she thought; warm and calming and simply there for you, no matter what. A friend should keep you safe and cheer you up. A friend shouldn’t tell you what to do or who to be with. A friend wouldn’t have joined a hate group who was out to kill you and your family. Severus had never been a friend to her, and she finally understood that.

She had had a lot of things mistaken for love, growing up. When Petunia stopped being a sister to her, she’d looked for a brother in someone who was just as much of a freak as she was. In the awkward and broken boy next door, Lily found kinship and partnership; he was the first person who looked at her in her entirety and didn’t even flinch. He told her it was a gift, not a curse, and she was lucky to be a witch.

Lily was a child and didn’t see the bigoted undertones of him telling her about how non-magical people were jealous and unlucky to be born so. Later, growing up, he was cruel and nasty to her, and she allowed it because she loved her friend, and she hoped he would be a better man. But that never came to pass. It took her too long to recognise that the little boy she’d once known would never be a good person, not because no one had tried to teach him (God knows she had), but because he had no interest in learning it

After a while, she slowly pulled away from Remus, and looked into his honey eyes, filled with worries.

“I’m all right, love,” she said, before standing on the top of her toes and pulling Remus’ face down with one hand, so she could place a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you,” she smiled at him.

“For what?” He asked, bewildered.

“For being you,” she shrugged, still smiling. “For being my best friend. I love you, Remus.”

Remus beamed at her, and blushed slightly. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you too, Lils. Now, come on,” he linked their arms, “our boys will be home any minute. What do you say we get something to eat, and then we can all talk, if you want?”

“Sounds lovely.”

Chapter Text

It had taken Lily and Remus a little convincing to keep James and Sirius from marching into Dumbledore’s office and questioning the old man on his newest decision as headmaster, but, eventually, their nerves settled down and they obliged. War had cost them all too many years of youth and peace, and there wasn’t much fight left in any of them.

Sirius was still fuming once they got home, though Remus no longer knew who he was angry with.

“First, he escapes fucking prison, then he pulls that bullshit on Lily, and now Dumbledore offers him a job?”

“I know,” Remus repeated, for maybe the hundredth time. He had been just as angry when Lily first told them all the ins and outs of her conversation with Snape, but the fight had already left his body. There was just no point in dwelling on it. Lily had officially cut any residual shred of a tie she might have still had been holding on to, and as for Dumbledore… well, Remus wasn’t truly all that surprised. Intrigued, perhaps, but not surprised.

“Giving a Death Eater a job teaching at Hogwarts, allowing him near kids! I-, I just- I can’t believe it!” Sirius was still ranting.

“I know.”

“I’m aware we all knew Dumbledore wasn’t a pot of shiny gold, but that’s a bit too much, don’t you think?!”

“Honestly, I don’t.” Remus shrugged, and Sirius, who had been walking up and down the living room, stopped and looked at him, raising his eyebrows.

“You don’t?”

“Padfoot, come on!” Remus said, exasperated. “I thought we had established Dumbledore doesn’t play but anyone’s rules but his. He’s got his motives, and that’s all he cares about. It’s always been that way.”

“Hold on, do you think Dumbledore had a motive to hire bloody Snivelus? What, has he grown tired of all children and decided that secretly poisoning them using their potions’ teacher would be the best course of action?”

Remus chuckled, not helping himself when it came to Sirius’ dark sense of humour, which matched his own so perfectly. He extended a hand for Sirius, who took it, and guided him to sit beside him on the sofa.

“All I’m saying,” Remus continued, “is that it’s way passed the time for us to be surprised by Dumbledore’s highly questionable actions. I know this whole not-trusting-him-with-our-lives thing is quite new for you and James, but I’ve been at it for a very long time, Padfoot. It’s better not to ask too many questions, when it comes to Dumbledore, because he won’t be giving us any answers.”

Sirius let out a sigh, pouting, before letting his head fall onto Remus’ shoulder.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, quietly. “It’s just so unfair.”

“What is?” Remus looked down at him.

“That he would offer Snape a job, and not-,” he trailed off, then looked up, and Remus saw the end of that sentence in his eyes.

“And not me¸ you mean?”

Sirius nodded and tightened his grip around Remus’ hand.

“Padfoot…”

“Can you tell me I’m wrong? This is so bloody messed up! You risked your life for his cause, over and over again! You’ve been at his beck and call, since you were a teenager! And he knows how hard it’ll be for you to get and keep a job, wizarding or otherwise. You would make such a great teacher, Moony, you deserve it so much! And… he took so much from you, cost you so much. Why couldn’t he just give you this?”

Remus pulled Sirius closer, touched by his words. Getting a teaching job at Hogwarts hadn’t even crossed his mind, not once, really. While he was much more comfortable in his condition now than he did when he was in his teens, he still felt some guilt whenever he looked back and considered the dangers he might had been exposing other kids to. The idea of doing it all again and getting paid for it was out of the picture for him. And the fact that Sirius didn’t even blink before considering him worthy of such a job was nearly overwhelming. They had come such a long way, as individuals and as a couple, and Remus couldn’t help the smile growing on his face.

“I love you,” he told him. Simple and true, just like that.

It was clear how Sirius could read him right now, all the meaning under those three words quickly sinking on him. He didn’t press on the issue anymore, and Remus was thankful.

“I love you, too,” Sirius replied, pulling Remus in for a kiss.

They sat quietly, keeping each other company in the easiest of ways. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was the sort of silence that only comes when two people understand each other, and they did. They finally did. After so many years of burning and dangerous passion that got them hanging on sharp edges, ready to either fall or get cut at the slightest movement, they could, at last, breathe.

“I love you,” Remus said again, kissing the top of Sirius’ head.

“So, you’ve said,” Sirius teased, the corners of his mouth twisting up with ease.

Remus nudged him, lightly, but Sirius just held his gaze, the smile never leaving either of their faces.

“Say it back,” Remus challenged.

“I already did.”

“But I said it again, you have to say it back again.” Remus rearranged himself on the sofa, and was now facing Sirius.

“Do I?”

“Yes, I believe you do.” Remus moved to straddle Sirius, and pressed their foreheads together, as if they were just silly teenagers.

“And what if I don’t?” Sirius nearly whispered, their mouths only half a breath away.

“Why, then I’ll have to make you say it.”

“Will you, now? And how do you plan to do that?”

They were so close Remus could taste the beer Sirius had shared with James right after lunch. He moved slightly closer, their lips still not touching, yet, but Sirius was already closing his eyes and opening his mouth, only just. Remus let another breath out and moved his hands to Sirius’ hips, only grabbing them for a second before he made the touch lighter and started tickling him.

“What-, Remus!” Sirius twisted under him, laughing, almost crying, while Remus worked his hands around his torso, on the spots he knew would make Sirius contort with giggles.

“Mooooony, please!!” He tried getting out, but Remus had his legs keeping Sirius’ in place.

“Say it back!” He teased again.

“This is blackmail!” Sirius had tears forming in his eyes now.

“It's working, is it not?”

“Moony!!”

“Say it back!”

“Ok, ok, I love you! Godric, when did you become such a sap?” And Remus stopped, grinning down at his boyfriend. His dark curls were a mess, and his face was flushed. So, so gorgeous. He was out of breath from laughing, and Remus was quite satisfied with himself; he had the best view in the whole wide world. “I love you so, so much I could never put it into words!” Sirius finished, stretching his hand up to cup Remus’ right cheek. “Is that good?”

“Perfect,” Remus said, leaning down again, and just before their lips touched, “that’s my good boy.”

Life could be good, it seemed. Good, and easy, and so happy. Most days Remus could not believe his luck, or that that was his reality now. He hadn’t been that happy since Hogwarts, and even then, everything still looked so grim. Now, every day felt like a dream. No more big threats hidden behind walls, no more dark wizards chasing friends, and no more life-threatening missions to go on.

Slowly, life picked up a new pace. They heard stories of other order members moving on with their lives, re-establishing their jobs or picking up new ones to move on. James was talking about trying some position within the ministry, using the good name of Potter to help people in their post-war struggles. Apparently, he was in contact with a specific section of the institution, a spot he was very keen on getting himself, but he wouldn’t tell anyone, not even Lily, what it was.

“Don’t want to jinx it!” He would claim.

Remus suspected it must be something related to the Auror’s department, or maybe Sports, though he didn’t exactly see how the last one could have a huge post-war impact on people’s lives.

Lily was talking about seeking a career in potions research, for healing uses. Remus couldn’t think of anything more suitable to anyone. Lily Evans Potter following an academic path, within an area she held so much talent over, and to help others was probably one of the most in-character­ things Remus had seen his entire life.

Not more in character than Sirius’ plans, though.

Sirius Orion Black had no need to work, and neither did he want to. Remus wasn’t surprised, not in the slightest. When he inquired him as to how he planned to occupy his days, the only answer he got was “I’ll have my projects, Moony. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it! You know I’m never bored.”

No, he never was. And Remus had a very good guess as to what his projects might be. He had promised Sirius they could look into his brother’s doings, after all.

No one ever asked Remus what he might want to do with his future, though. There wasn’t much wanting when it came to finding a job while being a werewolf. He wasn’t registered (and neither was he going to be!) so explaining his being “sick” once every full moon would be a difficult task, no matter what world he decided to try it in. He knew he wouldn’t have to worry about money as long as he had Sirius, but he didn’t like it. He wanted to contribute, he wanted to be an independent adult who didn’t rely on his boyfriend’s inheritance to live. He would figure something out, in time, he kept telling himself. In time.

He, of course, did not take into account James Potter’s willingness to do anything for the people he loved.

Remus was alone in the flat, for maybe the first time in days. Sirius was running some errands and would probably be out for another hour or two. Remus was rereading an old book, entertained by the familiar story, while a Bowie album played in the background.

A knock sounded on the door, before a key was set into motion and the door cracked open. James had something Sirius would never learn: the decency to knock before using his spare key to get into someone else’s home.

“Hiya, Moony!”

“Prongs!” Remus greeted, putting his book aside. He didn’t ask why he’d come; none of them needed a reason to just pop into each other’s house unannounced in the middle of the day, but they usually used the floo.

“Didn’t come from home,” James said, answering Remus’ unasked question while he made into the kitchen and came back with a cup of tea for himself.

“Where were you, then?”

“The Ministry,” James settled next to Remus on the sofa. He was very excited about something, that much was clear by the way he tried to hold back a very wide smile, unsuccessfully.

“Any news on the mysterious job you’ve been seeking?” Remus prompted, knowing very well there must be.

“Yes, actually,” James nodded frantically, his grin growing wider, if that was even possible.

“So? Are you going to tell me or is that still a secret and you’ll just sit there and smile at me like a maniac?”

“I’m going to tell you.” He sipped his tea before putting it down to turn sideways on the sofa, so he was facing Remus straight ahead.

“Remus.”

“James.”

“Moony.”

“Prongs.”

Nothing. James just kept smiling at him, knee bouncing like a 10-year-old who had one too many sweets before bed. He was driving Remus mad.

“Potter, spit it out!”

James drew breath, and it all came down in a very quick second.

“I’m the new head of the Beast Division for the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.”

Remus’ jaw dropped, the very same way it had done all those years ago, when a stag, a rat, and a black dog first stood in front of him, in the middle of their dorm. James bit his lip, and waited patiently for a response. Remus wasn’t sure he had one.

James gave him no further explanation as for his reasons for joining the department, he didn’t have to. Remus knew what it meant, what it was for. And he damn well knew why James was doing it.

He didn’t know how to feel about it; whether it was a thank you or an are you mad? that was in order, Remus had no clue. He could nearly feel his own brain twisting around in an attempt to process the information and everything behind it. Having James in such a high rank for a post that had such a huge impact in Remus’ condition, and others like him, was quite the twist. While Remus had wanted to fight for his rights and bring other werewolves into his cause (and had tried, during the war, to no success), he had never truly considered having an ally to help from the inside. And what better ally than James Fleamont Potter, who was kind and fair, and had gone out of his way, time and time again, to help Remus in his lycanthropy. But then, James choosing careers on Remus’ behalf felt like too much on his plate; another dept to add to the bill that already accounted for so much. How was Remus supposed to feel about that?

He stared, trying to keep his face unreadable while the emotions (he still didn’t know which ones) made their mess inside his overthinking brain. James looked expectantly for a reply, or a reaction of any kind, really.

“James, you-,” he tried, but the words got stuck on the odd feeling right behind his throat.

James’ smile faltered, while he was probably reconsidering his decision and what Remus might think of him stepping into a subject so close to him.

“Are you crossed with me?”

The ridiculousness of that brought Remus back to his senses. How could he ever be crossed with James Potter?

“No, of course not!” He said, in a hurry. James’ grin steadied again. “It’s just… overwhelming, that’s all. I-, I thought you were going for sports or something. I just-.”

“You just what?”

“James, this is too much.” He said in a small voice, not wanting to seem ungrateful but feeling overwhelmed by the offer.

James sighed, the look on his face telling Remus he’d expected that to be the response.

“Too much of what?’ James raised an eyebrow. “Of me wanting to advocate for a cause I believe in?”

“It’s more personal than that, and you know it,” Remus said, raising an eyebrow himself, to mimic James’.

“Hell yes, it’s personal!” James threw his hands up in a big gesture, the way he did when an upcoming Quidditch match got him too excited and he couldn’t stop talking about his new tactics. “My best friend has to spend his entire life keeping a secret about who he is because people are bigots! My best friend can’t get a job because the regulations we have in place are useless and deem him unfit to do jobs he’d be the best candidate for! I care about you, Remus, and I see you having to go through this bullshit day after day; so, yes! It is very personal.”

“Have you been talking to Sirius about that?” Remus narrowed his eyes.

“What?” James was taken aback. He blinked. “No, he hasn’t said anything. Why?”

Remus felt a sudden surge of love for Sirius; he had truly respected his wishes and let the subject rest. It was a small thing and maybe would sound silly to anybody else, but for two people who spent so long with too many walls and too few boundaries, that small act of respect was a show of their newly built trust. Remus made a mental note to kiss Sirius numb later.

“Just-, he was upset Dumbledore gave Snape a job and not me, that’s all,” he explained to James.

“Well, he’s right, is he not? What the hell was that about Snape!? Keeping that disgusting little man around children and not even offering you a job? Honestly, that’s ridiculous!”

“James-,” Remus sighed, wishing he could kiss James into agreement the way he had done Sirius.

“Oh, Moony, come on! You know you’d be great for a teaching position! And it’s not just that, Merlin, the fucking laws we have in place are the reason so many werewolves end up seeking people like Greyback, you know that! Because they have no better choice. I don’t have to explain that to you,” James said, inclining his head, and Remus nodded. “And not just werewolves, you know there’s barely any magical creatures that wizards don’t either despise and marginalize or abuse and enslave. I’m sick of that shit!”

Remus closed his eyes momentarily, as James’ words sunk. The truth is Remus was bloody proud of his friend, and he could see he wanted, really wanted, to make that difference. When he looked back, James was still watching him, warily. Remus sighed and let his head hung.

“This isn’t a favour, Moony.” James said, and, when Remus jerked his head back up, there was a slight smirk on his friend’s face. “Yeah, I know you, Lupin. I can see that head of yours adding to a mental calculator and telling yourself that this is some big dept you’ll eventually have to pay back. It’s not. Nothing we’ve ever done for you was out of pity or because we wanted you to owe us something; not for me, not for Sirius.”

The unsaid third name hung in the air between them for a second before James started talking again. Remus sometimes wished they could forget he had ever been a part of their lives, of their friendship, but he knew that wasn’t a choice they could just make. Pettigrew’s ghost would most likely haunt them forever.

“Listen to me, Remus. I’m doing this because I believe we can make this broken joke of a system a little bit better, and I’m in a very particular position where I have the chance to do it from the inside. I don’t want to see this injustice, based on nothing but fucking blood-purity, to prevail. I don’t want my son to grow up and have to study his uncle in a Defence Against the Dark Arts class, and I sure as hell don’t want my best friend to spend the rest of his life in fear of himself.”

Remus held James’ gaze for a while. The odd sensation on the back of his throat had transferred to his stomach, but it wasn’t loaded anymore; it was light and easy to feel. It was something Remus hadn’t felt regarding his own condition in a very long time, maybe never: it was hope.

“Thank you, James.” He finally managed, hoping those three words would be enough to convey everything he meant. He offered his friend a smile.

James grinned again, as relief spread across his face; his excitement nearly bursting through his skin. “We’re going to change so many things, Remus! You’ll see!”

“We?” Remus questioned.

“Yes! Did you think I was going to do this alone? I want you to be there with me, to work with me.”

“Me?”

“Why, of course. Who else?” James shoved his shoulder lightly. “Remus, I am perfectly aware I’m a pureblood speaking on behalf of people who were never granted half of my privileges. I want someone who’s truly affected by whatever I’ll be coming up with to be able to have a say. And there’s no one I trust more than I do you. So, what do you say? Are you in?”

“Fuck yes, I’m in!” And that was all it took for Remus to be throwing his arms around James and pulling him for the biggest hug he could muster. “Oh my God, James Potter, you beauty!” He pulled James' face and plastered a kiss on his lips.

When James finally broke away from his assault, his teeth were flashing in the proudest smile: “Merlin, Moony, calm your balls!” And they both broke down laughing at the absurdity of the situation. The possibility of a better future and the fact that they could just be happy and truly do with their lives whatever they wanted.

In the firepits of a war, when blood runs fast in the veins (and out of them, too) and tomorrow is never assured, you forget what real life truly looks like. You forget you were supposed to be making plans and flipping out about mundane things like job interviews or careers. You pretend none of that ever mattered, in the first place, because surviving is primal and everything else is neglectable. It was basic biology, really. If your life is threatened, your brain focuses all of its energy on keeping you safe; there’s no room for secondary worries, no space for thinking of a future you don’t even know if you’ll live to see. You don’t know how long of a life you still have ahead of you, so why should you worry about it?

Sometimes it got lost in Remus just how young they all were, still. Marlene will never see 22, he thought with the pang of sadness and guilt that sparkled whenever he was beginning to feel a bit too happy, something he particularly didn’t feel very deserving of. Heaven knows who pulled the strings on who lived or who died, but they sure as hell weren’t making it fair. For those left behind, the sweetness of survival was left hanging in the back of the mouth, lost in the bitter aftertaste of the people they did lose. Survivor’s guilt, perhaps; but giving it a fancy name and understanding it was possibly a very normal response didn’t help him feel better about it.

He shook himself internally, focusing on the moment and bringing his attention back to James.

“How did you even get the job?” he asked

It was relatively easy, from what James was telling him now. He’d gotten in contact with a few of his father’s ex-colleges who were still acting within the Ministry and asked for a meeting, claiming he was looking for a job. They were happy to help, of course. James’ request for such a particular position did raise some eyebrows and took a little convincing, since it required some of the other high chairs to agree to his appointing (mostly still occupied by old families, many of which had been open supporters of Voldemort), and James didn’t have any previous experience.

“The thing is,” James was explaining, “I’m a pureblood, but still a blood-traitor. They don’t like me in the slightest, most of them. It took some sweet talk to convince them, but I think the fact that the war is still so fresh in our memories also helped; Voldemort’s old sympathisers are trying to keep a low profile for now, probably hoping people will eventually forget and then they can go back to living their lives, so they didn’t oppose too much to my hiring.”

“Brilliant! James, you are brilliant!”

“Cheers, Moony! I just thought if I have an easy way in, I might as well take advantage of it and do some good.”

“So, what do we do next? When do we start?” Remus asked, trying to contain his excitement.

“I’m not sure just yet,” James replied. “This won’t be easy, you know? There are still plenty of people above me who can veto whatever I say, so we’ll have to take it slow. I want to gather the place first, work for a few months and understand what I’m getting us into, so maybe it’ll be better for you to wait before stepping in.”

“Yes, of course.”

They went on and on about what they would attempt to do with their upcoming new positions, and as James talked about all the research he had done prior to deciding to take the job, Remus felt his worries dissipating; James wasn’t giving up on his dreams only to help Remus, he was genuinely happy with his choice. He wanted that.

Their daydreaming was only interrupted by the phone ringing. It was Grant, who Remus had got in contact with as soon as he could, after coming back home. They had spoken on the phone a couple times since then. He found himself with a free evening and wanted to stop by. Remus urged him to come over, and they hung with the promise of one Grant Chapman joining Remus (and Sirius, naturally) for dinner.

James was still around when he finally arrived, an hour later. He had insisted on staying around to meet him.

“James Potter!” He said, cheeringly introducing himself and shaking hands with Grant.

“Grant Chapman!” The other boy said, with equal enthusiasm.

“I’ve heard plenty about you, it’s very nice to finally be officially introduced.”

“Back at you!”

They were still exchanging pleasantries when the door opened up again, and Sirius walked in. He had clearly been meddling with his bike; there was some grease on his left cheek and his hair was up on a ponytail.

“Remus, I’m-,” he stopped short, his leather jacked slipped halfway off. He looked around the room, taking in the odd gathering and blinking a couple times before getting his shit back together and remembering his manners.

“Oh, hello there.” He finally managed, taking his jacket completely off and hanging it by the door, in its usual spot. “Good to see you,” he directed at Grant, smiling politely.

Grant returned the good manners, and Remus had to hold back a laugh at the awkwardness now settling on the room. He got up and addressed Sirius.

“Grant will be joining us for dinner.”

“Brilliant,” Sirius’ smile grew wider, almost comically to Remus, who could almost feel the effort behind it. “I, uuhmm, I should get cleaned up. I’ll be right back, though.” He walked into the bedroom, probably to get some clean clothes before taking his shower.

The three in the living room resumed to small talk, which was beginning to falter at some point, when Grant mentioned being sore from the footie game he’d played that morning, which made James’ face light up like a child’s walking into Honeydukes for the first time.

“You play football?!” He asked, not bothering to hide the amazement in his face.

“Yup! Every week!” Grant replied. “You?”

“Nah, I don’t really know how. Didn’t really know it growing up, and Remus won’t teach me.”

Grant creased his brows in confusion.

“What d'you mean? How can someone not know football growing up?”

“Err,” James gaped slightly, realising any “normal” person (on Grant’s perspective, at least) would have had some sort of contact with the sport growing up. Remus jumped to the rescue.

“Don’t mind him. His parents didn’t really care for sports and he was homeschooled until he was sent to our boarding school. Which didn’t really encourage many sports, either. He just quite recently discovered he was interested in that lot of people running after a ball.”

“Yes, that!” James nodded, and looked at Remus with a final nod of thanks.

“Blimey, that sounds boring.” Grant joked, and James laughed along. “You should come to one of my games, one of these days!”

“I’d love that!!” James grinned excitedly, to which Grant smiled back, kind as ever.

James then proceeded to interrogate Grant on the rules of the game, and the other one replied and elaborated happily, bringing in anecdotes. The conversation took a nice flow and Remus merely observed happily. It was nice to see James and Grant interacting like this, and Remus smiled to himself, taking in the scene.

James Potter and Grant Chapman were completely different poles of the same person, Remus realised. One wizard, rich and privileged, who grew up adored by his parents; the other a muggle, who struggled most of his life just to make it to the end of another week and had never known true family. Two entirely separate backgrounds in every possible way, and they still managed to emanate the same sunny energy. Both kind beyond measure, loyal and so very brave. Both the best friends Remus could’ve ever wished for. Seeing them together was a collision of both worlds he had spent so much of his life juggling and trying to keep apart, but it wasn’t catastrophic or awkward. It was simple, as if it’d always been that way.

Another half-hour and Sirius emerged from the bathroom, shining new and clean, his hair still damp. He was cooking, he announced, and when Remus offered to help he insisted he’d keep his visit company and “don’t be rude, Moony. If I need anything I’ll ask for you.” James took the talk of dinner as his cue, and left claiming he needed to get back to Lily and Harry, and that Sirius and Remus should drop by tomorrow for lunch, at which point he winked at Remus as if to say “and then will give them the news, all right?”. He also promised Grant they should schedule on that idea of him attending some of the matches, earning him a confused look from one Sirius Black who, and Remus had to give it to him, was being extremely well behaved.

Dinner was delicious, as of always, and Grant’s visit ran smoothly. They fell into conversation easily, even after so long of not seeing each other and even with Remus having to side-step anything wizarding-related. It was nice talking to someone who knew nothing of the war and, therefore, could make conversation about more simple things of life. Even Sirius joined in the chat, when they eventually switched to the subject of music and David Bowie.

The evening went smoothly, and it wasn’t until Grant had left that Remus realised he had been slightly nervous about the whole deal. Sirius chuckled affectionally when he mentioned it to him, once they were both safely tucked into bed.

“Moony, why would you be nervous about your friend coming over for dinner?”

“Oh, I dunno.” He shrugged, and felt Sirius settling his chin on top of his head. “I s’pose I’m just not used to worrying about normal things like ‘will my boyfriend and one of my best friends get along if I put them in the same room?’ So, I didn’t really know what to expect.”

“What, did you think I was going green with jealousy and would curse his head off before I served dessert?”

The amusement in Sirius’ voice made Remus laugh.

“When you put it like that, it makes me sound like an idiot who’s painfully full of himself, you know?”

Sirius laughed back. “Well, you’re my idiot,” he said, kissing the top of Remus’ head.

“Ohhh, so you were jealous!” Remus prompted himself up on one elbow so he could see Sirius’ face.

“I-, look, I can’t help it, ok?! He was your first boyfriend! But I’m being mature about it!” he whined.

“Okay, you are being mature, I’ll give you that.” Remus said, reaching up and patting Sirius’ right cheek affectionally. “But, hey, he was never my boyfriend. We were fourteen, and just snogged for a few weeks, that was all. He was, I don’t know… my awakening, if anything.”

Sirius barked out a laugh, so loud and joyful Remus couldn’t help the smile creeping on his face.

“Oh Moony, your past of going from undercover drug-dealer to a closeted queer will never not be funny!” Sirius said, pinching Remus’ nose.

“Shuddup,” Remus collapsed on Sirius’ chest and let out a laugh right there, on top of his sternum.

“Ha! Why don’t you come and make me?”

“You perv!”

“You do like it, though,” Sirius smirked.

Remus muffled, still face pressed against his chest, too lazy and comfy to bother moving.

“C’mon, Moony. I can keep talking all night, you know that. The energy inside of me is cursing madly, you see. Must have been all the sugar from the dessert, how good was that? All crispy and just the right balance of sweet and sour. I’ll have to thank Lily for the recipe tomorrow-,”

Remus cut Sirius’ chatter short by, of course, shoving his boyfriend’s mouth into his for a kiss, long and deep. When he pulled apart to look at him, Sirius was smiling like a puppy who just got the treat he’d been whining for.

“Ah, Remus Lupin, you do know how to deem a man speechless.”

Remus rolled his eyes and tried to keep his own mouth from breaking into a fond smile.

“Clearly not enough, since you’re still talking.”

“Well, then I suppose you’ll have to work a little harder than that.”

And Remus did.

Chapter Text

Life was moving forward. That was something Sirius didn’t realise could even happen. He’d grown accustomed to the way the war had essentially petrified all of his plans and external worries, and now the concept of having an actual functioning life was rather terrifying.

He’d longed for that moment for a very long time; a moment when he wouldn’t have to worry about anybody’s safety or double-check every corner he turned. That didn’t exactly mean tranquillity, though. After years of being under constant agony and stress of hiding and being suspicious of everything and everyone, the idea of putting his guard down and living a simple, mundane life was completely alien to him.

The war and the early years of his life had been an eternal winter, forming glaciers all over him; cold, frozen, static. Then, the war was over. He had Remus by his side, and James, Lily, and Harry were safe and happy; summer came and life was warm, perhaps for the first time. But the increasing temperature meant the ice was melting and the sea overflowing, its levels rising over the shore. And Sirius didn’t recall anyone ever teaching him how to swim.

Sirius had no clue as to what to do next. He had no intention of working, that much had been established pretty early on. At least not for now.

He didn’t need it and he was pretty sure there wasn’t anything he could do that would entertain him for longer than a few months. But that was not to say he wanted to spend the rest of his days lounging on his sofa, looking at the walls. Lily had gone back to studying and James had a job – an actual, real-life, adult job. Even Remus got his piece of the purpose-of-life cake and was excited to be James’ right-hand (though unofficial, for the time being). Harry was growing up too, and with Lily having classes at night, she was with him during the day when James was at the Ministry.

Everyone’s lives seemed to be moving on, cutting ties with the past years and, well, living, while Sirius felt lost, always looking back when he should be looking forward, always holding on to the rope tying him still, rather than cutting it off and jumping into the water.

But he knew perfectly well what that rope was about. It was the questions he needed answers to, the memories that would still wake him up some nights. He should be eager to cut it off, but that would also mean letting go. And Sirius wasn’t ready to let go of his brother, yet.

Those thoughts had never left him, nor did the nightmares they brought along. Sirius knew those were things he needed to deal with if he ever wanted a happy life of his own. Now, with time to spare and no danger waiting outside his door, he was starting to think it was the perfect moment to dig and see what he could find. Gratefully, he wouldn’t have to do it alone; Remus had said he would help if Sirius ever wanted to look into his brother’s life. He decided to finally take him up on that offer.

“Moony, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

They were cooking dinner, just for the two of them. It was cosy, inside their little kitchen, the smell of garlic filling the room.

“What is it?” Remus asked, he was concentrated on chopping some carrots at Sirius’ request.

“Err, remember that thing we talked about back at the safe house? About my brother?”

Remus’ knife stilled mid-carrot, and he carefully laid it aside, turning to face Sirius, who was biting his nails to their core, after having already scratched the rest of the nail polish off. Remus let out a sight and walked closer, removing Sirius’ hand from his mouth and holding it on his own. Sirius knew he didn’t have to explain any further; Remus simply nodded his head and squeezed Sirius’ fingers.

“Where do we start?” he asked.

Sirius swallowed. He had been thinking about it for a very long time now, cooking up in his mind what would be the right course of action, which approach could actually help him with some answers.

“My cousin,” he said.

“Andromeda?” Remus asked in confusion. “I don’t think she would know any more than we already do, Sirius.”

“No, not Andromeda!”

“Bellatrix?”

“No! Godric, I’m not that desperate! I mean Narcissa.”

“Oh,” Remus blinked. “Oh, okay, I-, hmm. Wasn’t her husband a Death Eater, though?”

“Yes, but she never joined. Not officially, anyways. And Lucius is no threat on his own, I can assure you of that,” Sirius scoffed, thinking of Malfoy. “Too thirsty for power but too much of a coward to get his hands dirty without his dear old master pulling the strings behind the stage.”

“Yes, how did he manage to stay out of Azkaban, again?”

“Claimed Imperious, but I’m pretty sure there were some galleons being thrown on the side, some pockets getting slightly heavier.”

“Typical,” Remus muttered. “But, back to focus here. Do you really think she would know something?”

“Worth a try,” Sirius said, shrugging and bouncing Remus’ hand on his own. “They were close enough to the higher circle to have heard of something of the sort, but not mental enough that I’d think they’d murder me now that the war is over. Narcissa might be a bigoted cow, but she’s not mental like Bella.”

“Okay, that makes sense.” Remus stepped back and returned to his carrots. “Have you figured what you’re going to say, though? To get her to meet up or something?”

“What, can’t I just send a letter telling my dear old cousin I want to reconnect?” Sirius smiled mischievously.

“Oh, of course! And why don’t you send your mother an invite to join you two for a little tea party?”

“Ha!” Sirius laughed, but his mind was now hooked on the idea of his mother. She might have some answers. And she would most definitely not hesitate before murdering at first sight.

“It’s weird to think she’s the only one left.” He said, after a moment of silence.

“What?” Remus asked, distracted by the very complex task of shoving all carrots into the pot with the other vegetables Sirius was seasoning before sending them into the oven.

“Walpurga,” Sirius said, and Remus looked back at him, paying attention now. “My brother’s dead, so is my father. It’s just her.”

Sirius would never understand the pull the old wench had on him; the fact she was the only one from his nuclear family who was still alive, aside from him, sounded to him like a joke. He hated Regulus and what he became, but he was still his little brother, and there was still something from that relationship he still had a grip on; call it a last cry for love, if you must. A love he knew had existed once, though it was a very long time ago, though it had been tainted; a skull and a snake marked in black on Regulus’ skin, the ink poisoning his cells, and the blood he and his brother shared.

Orion had died shortly after his son. Sirius had seen the obituary, where Orion was said to be leaving only his widow behind, since his only son had perished only a few months back. Sirius didn’t know the cause of death, nor did he care. He’d read the paper, let out a sigh, and moved on with his day.

His father had never been much more than a grim creature hoovering on the side-lines of his suffering, never attempting to be the main character to his upbringing, or his misery. After all, that was a mother’s job and, as far as Orion had any concerns, Walpurga was doing exactly what should be done. He would be always twisting his golden ring, with the family crest shining while he looked Sirius over, disappointment being the only emotion the boy ever fully registered to receive from the man who had sired him. Sirius despised him in a way so pure and simple that it was easy to simply pretend he had never been in his life. No fatherly moments, no word of advice that was to Sirius anything other than disgusting. It was simple hate, no strings attached.

What he felt towards his mother, though, was all strings tangled up around him; choking, suffocating. Unlike Regulus, there wasn’t any residual love around the woman; there had never been any love to begin with, not that Sirius could remember. It was the play pretend, though, that got to him. The way she would speak of how that was what ought to be done for Sirius to be a real man, a real Black. It was the masquerade of motherhood, pretending she cared so he would feel guilty because, of course, "he had it coming". He had it all coming. Disobedient and rebellious children should be dealt with accordingly, and that was a mother’s job.

After he got sorted into Gryffindor, though, she stopped pretending. Tightened her reins around the younger one’s neck (Regulus was always more tamed, more eager to please) and cursed Sirius out of his fucking mind, only keeping him around as a façade, for he was still the firstborn, the heir. So, she owed it to her family to try.

“The old witch most likely only has Kreature to keep her company.” He said out loud, remembering the old house elf for the way he was always his mother’s right hand in making Sirius’ life into a living hell. “They deserve each other, I assure you!”

Remus didn’t say a word. He simply came to hold Sirius from behind from where he was stirring a pot. Sirius felt a flash of gratitude towards Remus, just for knowing. Knowing it would never be easy for him to talk about the Blacks, and knowing he might joke about it and still feel the shadow of his mother hovering around the corners of his life and that, in these moments, all he needed was Remus close by to ground him.

“Here’s what we can do,” Remus offered, after placing a kiss on top of Sirius’ head and stepping back to lean against a wall. “You’ll write your dear cousin slash ex-fiancé", Sirius grimaced at this, "and tell her you need to discuss something, and it has to be in person. Don’t give details, just enough to keep her hanging. She’ll be intrigued, that’s the only way I can see her saying yes.”

Sirius nodded. “Seems like a good plan. Will you come with me? If she says yes, that is.”

Remus smiled, fondly. “Padfoot, you should know there’s no way I’m letting you go by yourself.”

Sirius mirrored his smile.

“Now, go on and finish that food. I’m starving!” Remus said, motioning his hand to the veggies on the sink, and Sirius stuck out his tongue before turning around and obliging.

“Aye, captain.”

She did say yes.

Well, not immediately. The first reply they got was an incredulous Narcissa asking what sort of game they were playing at, hissing through her neat cursive lines. It took a few letters flying back and forth for convincing her this wasn’t any sort of trap. In the end, Sirius agreed they could meet at her own home, so that she would feel more comfortable with the arrangement.

So, she did say yes.

And that is why, a week after the letters had been exchanged, Sirius found himself in Wiltshire, standing before the front entrance of Malfoy Manor, a place he remembered only distantly, from another lifetime. The place was ridiculously huge, just as Sirius remembered. Iron gates sat within a high hedge, which curved around the property beyond what his eyes could see.

Sirius’ hands must have been fidgeting because Remus grabbed one of them in his own and squeezed it firmly.

“You okay?” He asked, eyeing Sirius warily.

“I’m good,” he replied, squeezing back. “Just… a lot of memories, that’s all. I grew up coming round here for balls and that sort of shit, so I guess that’s not a very pleasant set of memories.”

Remus nodded his understanding.

“Do you know what you’re going to ask?”

“Not exactly.” Not at all. Months of agonizing and a few weeks of preparation and Sirius still couldn’t gather a single coherent sentence to make it all make sense for his cousin. He had nothing to offer Narcissa for the information and she had no reason to give it to him. Eventually, he had decided to go with his gut, in the moment, and just pop the question he felt like asking.

Another minute and the gates cracked open. Sirius took in a deep breath and squeezed Remus’ hand one last time before letting it go and walking forward, guiding them through the driveway between the front gardens, leading up to the main entrance. Once there, the door was open and a house-elf was expecting them. He bowed, his nose scratching the carpet.

“Master Black, welcome.”

“Hello there, Dobby.” Sirius greeted, feeling the shadow of a smile on his face for the first time that day. Unlike his mother’s Kreature, Dobby had always been kind when Sirius was around the Manor.

Dobby raised his head, which is when he registered Remus’ presence. He eyed him for a moment, probably anticipating that his mistress wouldn’t be pleased with the intruder. Sirius didn’t really care what Cissy thought of Remus being there. There was no way in hell he would have the strength to do this alone.

“Dobby will escort you to the drawing-room, Sirs. Please, follow Dobby.”

They made their way across the entrance hall and up a set of stairs; down a hallway and then another, until they finally reached a pair of high ornate double doors. Dobby opened them to let them in, assuring them the mistress would be with them shortly.

The drawing-room was probably one of the most majestic spaces within the Manor, at least as far as Sirius knew the place. It was dark purple, with an enormous crystal chandelier hanging above. The ornate marble mantelpiece, with a gilded mirror on top of it, was surrounded by a set of sofas just as impressive.

Sirius let out a tired sigh, already hating everything he saw and what it represented. He properly looked at Remus, now, for the first time since they’d crossed the front gate. His face was a mixture of awe and horror. Sirius laughed lightly.

“What do you think of the place, Moony?”

He turned to Sirius, his eyes wide with something that could only be shock.

“Fucking hell, Padfoot. This place looks like a haunted house, like in the films.”

“Ha! You haven’t seen my mother’s place. This is a princess palace next to that.”

Remus looked at him carefully now, his eyes leaving the shock behind and softening.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Sirius let out a sigh, nodding and smiling to reassure him.

The door behind them cracked open again, and they turned around to witness the newcomer. Sirius felt Remus’ knuckles brushing his own on their sides, and was, once again, grateful for his presence.

Narcissa Malfoy was just as imposing as she had been back when she was Narcissa Black. Her long hair was tied on a braid, blond strands contrasting with the black ones. Her pureblood posture was the same one Sirius remembered his mother tormenting him to maintain from the moment he could stand on his feet, back held perfectly straight, chin up, and a way of walking into a room that made it very clear who was in charge.

Sirius felt his own back straighten up in response, his own body adjusting to the scene around him as if by instinct. It probably was.

“Hello, Cissy.” He said, eager to speak first.

“Sirius,” she nodded her head in greeting, and her blue eyes hung on to his for only a moment, before turning their attention to the third party in the room.

Her face, which maintained itself in a perpetual look of disgust, managed to twist even further in the sentiment.

“Him?” She asked, not addressing Remus directly.

“Him.” Sirius said, simply, reaffirming the other man’s presence in the room.

She sighed and gestured to the sofas, so they would take a seat.

Sirius and Remus sat side by side, opposite Narcissa. A comfortable enough distance from her, and a close enough one from Remus, Sirius registered.

They fell silent for a moment, and Sirius’ manners fought their way up telling him this was the time when a normal gathering of people would exchange pleasantries and inquire of each other’s lives, being politely interested in it and pretending there wasn’t an urgent matter to be dealt with. But there was nothing nearly close to “normal” to the gathering in question, and the idea of exchanging pleasantries with his cousin was enough to make Sirius want to laugh his guts out. He had made up his mind to just get to the point already and be done with it, but Narcissa was faster.

“What do you want, cousin? We both know perfectly well this is not a family reunion either of us is pleased to have, I have a two-year-old boy who demands my attention and, quite honestly, I only agreed to this because you were so absurdly vague in your letters and it got me intrigued. So, out with it. What is it that you want, Sirius?”

Remus’ knee jerked against his; it was light and almost unnoticeable, Narcissa probably didn’t even see it happen.  It was encouragement. Go on, it said, I’m right here if you need me.

“All right then,” Sirius said, then swallowed and cleared his throat which had gone painfully dry in the last few minutes, without him even realising. “I want to know what happened to my brother.”

“Regulus?” She asked, her face giving as much away as a door would. Sirius fought back the snarky remark of which other brother would I have been referring to?

“Yes,” he replied. “I want to know what happened. There were rumours, even on our side, that the Dark Lord had been killing off within his own circle, to keep the old families in line. And there was no explanation to his death, no body to the crime, either. So, I couldn’t help but wonder if you knew something. Surely Lucius would have had some information from… the inside.”

Narcissa's expression was still as solid and unchanged as the marble adorning the room around her. She let Sirius’ words linger in the air for a moment, calculating her answer behind her icy blue eyes, so much like his own.

“I don’t know what you mean by “the inside”, Sirius. My husband has been cleared of all charges,” she finally spoke, folding both her hands on her lap.

Sirius was ready to laugh that statement off but, luckily, Remus intervened before he could open his mouth.

“This isn’t a court trial and we are not official Ministry officers on a chase for lost Death Eaters.”

Her head jerked in his direction with a tingle of exasperation that could only mean she had nearly forgotten Remus’ presence, in spite of the fact that he was sitting directly opposite to her.

“There’s no need to pretend,” he continued, holding her gaze. “Just tell us what you know and we’ll be on our way.”.

She kept her eyes on him for what felt like too long of a minute, before she turned back to Sirius and nodded, only slightly.

“Don’t get your hopes too high up, cousin, I don’t know much,” she began.

Sirius felt his chest tighten in anticipation, and willed all of his power to keep relief and gratitude away from his face; he’d be dead before he let that show on his features for another Black.

“Whatever you can tell me,” he said, leveling his voice so it wouldn’t shake.

She took another moment, probably measuring her words.

“You are correct,” she started, “when you say the Dark Lord was taking… extreme measures to keep the noble houses in check. It’s inevitable, really, when a war lingers for so long, people start to deflate and double guess the cause, regardless of what side you’re on.”

She trailed off, focusing her gaze on the fireplace before returning it back to meet Sirius’ eyes.

“That might have been Regulus' case, yes, but there’s no way to know for sure. He disappeared one week, but no one bothered to go looking for him.”

“Wow, good to know how you lot cared for protecting each other,” Sirius said before his brain could properly process the words he was saying. He felt Remus’ eyes on him but didn’t meet his gaze, instead, glaring at his cousin, thinking there was no possible way for him to hate her more.

“Your brother hadn’t exactly been the best follower in the midst, Sirius. He had the name of Black but none of the bone it took to carry it the way he should have, the way you should have.” She paused, glaring at Sirius pointedly, studying him like a foreign species. “You see, cousin, when you put on your little freak show and went to live your blood traitor life away from the family’s branches, none of us was truly surprised. It was bound to happen eventually; we were all just waiting to see how long it would take for you to break. But Regulus wasn’t like you, was he? He took pride in his name and in the power and respect it commanded. He obeyed his parents and understood his place. Once you were off the picture, Regulus presented himself as the perfect heir, as if he had been so from the start, as if you’d never been there in the first place. He joined the Dark Lord from his own free will, he wanted to be a part of it. But, of all the things Regulus was and you were not… he was a coward.”

Sirius' fist curled up in itself and he felt his nails against the inside of his palm, threatening to break his skin and draw blood if pressed any deeper.

“Don’t be all offended, you know it is true.” Narcissa said, with a dismissive hand. She must have seen the tension building in Sirius’ insides.

“He didn’t like how things were being done, that much was clear. He obviously didn’t say anything, but his behaviour spoke for him; he would withdraw when volunteers were asked to step forward, he would put off killing when he should kill, that sort of thing. But, still, he thought himself above so many others, somehow.”

“What do you mean?” Remus asked.

“He’d make demands… ask for things that didn’t exactly please the dark lord, try and pull strings where he had no business meddling.”

“Can you elaborate on that?” Sirius asked, eager to hear more, to know more.

“I don’t really know much more than that. All I know is Bella would be furious, complaining the Black family hadn’t managed to make a single decent heir, and Regulus was too emotional, too weak. I-,” she trailed off, looking deep into the fire. A cress formed between her thin brows and her mouth hung open for a second.

Sirius exchanged a look with Remus, who seemed just as lost as he felt.

“What?” Sirius asked.

She blinked a few times, her face returning to its stone-cold features, unreadable.

“No, nothing. That’s all I know, really.”

Sirius studied her for a moment. Her high cheeks, so much like his own, were a perfect shape for the expression she held with such consistency; superb and slightly annoyed by everyone surrounding her. Sirius might have not spoken to his cousin in nearly a decade, but he still remembered her from his early teenage years and childhood. She was a blood-purist, through and through, but Sirius had always liked her better than Bella. All right, maybe to say he liked her might be a bit of a stretch, but he decidedly hated her less than he did her oldest sister.

Where Bellatrix had been madness and curses and Andromeda had been kindness and love, Narcissa was cold stares and passive-aggressive comments, filled with prejudice and hate, but always with a soft spot for the ones she cared for. Sirius might have never been included in that circle (he wasn’t complaining) but he saw it happening plenty. She cared for her sisters, there was no doubt in his mind on that matter. Both of them, regardless of Andromeda’s disinheritance and blood treason. The soft spot might still be there. Maybe Narcissa, within her family, had been her own version of Regulus. And, if in all that parallelism Reggie and her were the same, that meant Sirius was Andy, and he was all of a sudden grateful there wasn’t a third Black brother to make up for Bellatrix.

“Cissy,” he said, voice kind but ever trying to hold his desperation off of it. “There’s something else, please tell me the whole thing.”

She just stared, her face wouldn’t give anything away.

“I need to know,” he pleaded. “He was my brother. In spite of everything, he was my little brother, and I need to know.”

“I can’t say anymore, Sirius.” She deadpanned.

“But you can. Cissy, please. If it’d been you and Andy, you’d want to know too.”

There it was, his last card on the table. His questions lingering on the hopes there was a tad of empathy left in someone he despised so dearly.

She faltered a second. A heavy blink and a deep sigh later, she spoke.

“I can’t give you certainty on this. But there had been rumours that he… he might have tempered with a few attacks.”

“What sort of attacks?”

“The ones targeted at Dumbledore’s prime soldiers. The ones you’d be certainly involved in.”

Sirius felt bile on his throat, nauseated. Everything spiraled for a moment, and he couldn’t speak without the possibility of throwing up on Narcissa's feet. It was a hand on his knee that managed to steady him, and a voice spoke by his side.

“You said you can’t be certain of it. Well, how certain can you be?” Remus asked.

“They were rumours. Only. He never admitted to it, and nothing was ever proved. But assignments would be delayed or he would try and juggle the situation out of your way. Or, at least, that’s what it looked like, looking in hindsight. Like he was trying to protect his brother.”

Sirius took in the new information, Narcissa's words mingling with Peter’s, and the pieces fitting together. Everything was sinking, and while he had hoped for the exact answers Narcisa was giving him, he didn’t think he could fully carry the weight of what they could mean.

He swallowed and felt Remus’ hand on his knee squeeze.

“Was that why he died?” He asked, fighting to ignore the bitter taste of words underneath the ones he’d spoken: Was I the reason he died?

“I don’t know,” she replied, and he believed her. “Those suspicions were raised only after he died. I think people were trying to look for a plausible reason for the heir of Black to just vanish out of thin air. And, of course, while Regulus was only 18 or 19, and he wasn’t the best servant of the cause, he was still the sole heir to one of the noblest pureblood houses left. No one would bring up such ideas to his face.”

Sirius nodded, biting the insides of his cheeks. He didn’t know what to make of that.

“I don’t suppose that’s the reason, though.” She continued, to Sirius’ surprise. “It’s entirely my opinion, mind you, but I think if the Dark Lord had intended for him to die, he would have made a statement of it. Not even the purest of bloods, or the most powerful houses were safe if he were defied. It would have shaken some cores, I believe, and he wouldn’t have wasted that opportunity. But that never happened. He simply disappeared.”

Sirius's mind was racing, and he remembered: there had never been a body.

“How did you know for sure he was dead, then?” He asked, with a spark of hope. What he was hoping for, though, he wasn’t sure.

“I believe the Dark Lord had some sort of trace on his marked Death Eaters. Something that would let him know once one of them fell. So, yes, we were sure.”

A shiver coursed through his body, and something settled in him. Some clarity. Some closure. Or the best he would get of it, he supposed.

“Thank you,” he said to his cousin, and she nodded once.

He cleared his throat and made to get up, getting ready to leave, when a long hand darted forward and held his upper thigh down, stilling him in the middle of his movement.

The expression on Narcissa's face was something Sirius had never seen before. She must have moved on instinct because she was staring at her own hand in surprise. She hadn’t said a word yet, but that movement could only mean one thing: wait.

“What is it?” Sirius asked, sitting back down and watching as her face quickly returned to its usual features.

She seemed to be double-guessing what she wanted to say, but in the end, decided to go through with it. Sirius knew what it was the second her mouth opened again.

“How’s she?” The question was almost a whisper, as if she were concerned someone else would listen. Sirius took a quick glance to the paintings on the walls; maybe she was.

“She’s good.” He took her hand, which was still on his lap, holding him in place, and gave it a soft squeeze. “She’s happy. Her daughter too, I think she must be starting Hogwarts in a couple of years or so. They’re happy.”

Cissy nodded, retreating her hand slowly and letting out a long breath.

“Good,” she said. “Good. Thank you.”

A moment of silence, then Remus cleared his throat.

“Right,” Sirius cleared his head and stood up, without interruptions this time around. Remus and Narcissa followed suit. “Thank you again, cousin.”

She nodded. "Can you see yourselves out, or must I call for Dobby?”

“No, I believe we know our way.”

They stood awkwardly for a moment, and it was a painfully uncomfortable situation to be in. There was no way any of them would be exchanging warm goodbyes and hope-to-see-you-soon promises.

“Goodbye, then.” Narcissa finally said, her eyes showing no trace of the emotion that had touched them only a minute before.

“Goodbye, Cissy.”

Sirius turned, taking Remus by the hand, and walking out. He felt the air buzzing on his ears, ready to explode right on his face at any given moment, so he held his breath. They were down the stairs, and then out of the gates in a flashing moment, without a single word. Remus was rubbing Sirius’ hand with his thumb all the way, and only steadied it when it was time for them to disaparate, which Remus took the lead on.

Then they were back on their street and inside their flat.

The thud of the door being shut behind him seemed to cease the buzz, and the world steadied for a moment before it all came tumbling down and Sirius felt his knees giving way to the weight of his body, taking him to the floor. His eyes were bowling out even before Remus could reach and grab him, cradling him inside his arms. Everything came pouring down in a flood of three years, or maybe a lifetime, worth of emotions.

Closure, finally, but it wasn’t relief, yet. It was the permission to feel first, so he could live later. He could allow himself the tears he’d held back every time Regulus had slipped through his fingers, always further away; when Regulus got sorted, when Regulus got marked, when Regulus got himself killed.

Sirius had the chance to finally mourn the man – the boy – he had hated and loved with his entire self, both emotions merging into each other, and he would never be able to pick them apart. There was no loving Regulus without hating Regulus; those feelings were one and the same. Two sides to one coin, much like the brothers they’d marked in their misery.

Because there was no forgiving for the things Regulus had done, for the choices he had made; he had hurt too many people for that, had chosen a side far too horrid to have any forgiveness for it. But he was still Sirius' little brother, and that boy had been good, and kind and sweet. And some part of him had resisted, had remained. Some part of him had still been there, to the last breath. And that's all Sirius really needed to know.

Sirius and Regulus had been two opposite outcomes of the same dark and twisted recipe, which could turn out to be either poison or a healing potion. Call it luck, or lack thereof. A lion and a snake; one of them a man, but the other would forever be just a boy, frozen in time. 

It was a constant struggle and permanent pain, and it would never be anything else. But, now, he understood it. Now, he could let his pieces fall and splatter on the floor, a lifetime of anguish being held back on electric wires he could never touch. He was touching them now, letting them electrocute him with the water coming out of his eyes. Letting him feel.

Tomorrow, he could be thankful for the answers he got, and the ending to a tragic story of two brothers could be that one of them would finally be happy, without the other’s ghost haunting his every step; he could make peace with that ghost. Tomorrow, he could love the man that was now holding him with all his might, protecting him from his own storm, and live the life he’d always dreamed of.

Tomorrow, he could cut the final string holding him back, releasing his life from its static sense of loss, and maybe think of his brother with something other than guilt. Tomorrow, he could breathe. Tomorrow. But not today. Today, Sirius was drowning.

Chapter Text

The dust settled. Sirius hadn’t even noticed how long it’d been floating around, polluting his air, until it was gone. The conversation with Narcissa had been a ray of light set on it to make it visible, detectable, and now it was finally settling down, laying on the floor, and the air was clear. Sirius could breathe again.

Maybe there’s something about learning your hate-groupie of a brother actually had some humanity left in him that allows you to finally move on with your life. Though the conversation with Narcissa had been far from the pot of golden answers Sirius had dreamed about, it was satisfying enough that he felt he could let it go. He could let his brother go. There was a life he needed to get back to, and if Regulus had once moved at least half one finger so Sirius could be alive for it, he owed it to him to actually live it.

He now understood that it wasn’t answers he’d been thirsty for; it was peace. The peace of knowing he hadn’t lost his baby brother, not entirely; there had been some part of Regulus Black that was still hiding under his big brother’s covers during a particularly nasty storm, literal or figurative. He had been a Death Eater, and Sirius had no doubts he’d once fought for his “cause”, but he’d been through enough and seen plenty of people go dark to know no one is all good or bad. Light, darkness; we’ve all got both, somewhere inside. It’s a choice, and Regulus had made his. Sirius hated him for it, but only because he had loved him so much, so deeply.

Uncontrollable, unreasonable, and unconditional: that’s the love Sirius held for his brother. He hated him so deeply and so dearly because of who he became, because Regulus had turned into someone who was painful to love, painful to care about. It was a  pain and a sense of loss he couldn’t begin to describe, so finding out that his Regulus had been there to his last breath, still loving a brother he obviously didn’t like, it brought Sirius some peace. Not in his brother’s death, but in his life; in the last shred of light still lingering just underneath the surface.

The Black brothers had learned hatred before they ever knew there was an alternative to it. They understood it as the rule, as what should be expected. It was in each other that they eventually found love, and learned to cherish it. It was ironic that, in the end, they learned to hate each other in a way that rivalled that love. Regulus Arcturus Black had paid for the crimes he’d committed, and he had deserved it. But, somewhere deep inside, Reg was still fast asleep in his big brother’s arms.

Sirius had been the lion, and Regulus, the snake. But Regulus was also the heart of the lion in its shiny constellation in the sky. It was as if those two parts of him had been in conflict his entire life, until the end. It was fitting, if nothing else.

Sirius found comfort in that. And that’s how he knew it was time to move on, cut the final strings and live his life. Maybe one day more answers would find their way to him, and he would understand the end of his brother’s tale but, for now, he had the peace he needed.

He found a place of tranquillity in his own soul to ground himself, and he could go anywhere from there. Anywhere he wanted. He’d built a home in the people he chose, a home he carried everywhere with him, in the warmest spot inside his chest. His brother had never had that, not in life, so Sirius decided he would make a home for him too, for his memory, in the same warm place he kept James, Lily, Harry, and Remus. In memory of a boy who felt everything in such intensity that he eventually had to shut it all off. At some point in his life, Regulus had flipped a switch and made a choice, one that Sirius had been too young to recognise and that had allowed his little brother to give into the darkest parts of himself.

Sirius was perfectly aware that it wasn’t his place to absolve Regulus for all the things he’d done, but what was his to forgive, he did. It was easy to do that now, which would have been unthinkable to him a year ago.

But ‘twas the damn season, after all.

Oh yes. For the first time in years, the holidays could finally be celebrated without death lurking in the corners or the fear of blood being spilled. They could have a proper Christmas dinner, like a family. They could enjoy each other’s company and not worry about not having another chance in the years to come, because they had the rest of their lives. So, of course, that meant there wasn’t the every-minute-should-be-cherished sort of pressure over them and they could celebrate like any other family.

It was just the five of them for dinner. Lily was in charge of eggnog, James was placing the table, Sirius was finishing up the cooking and Remus was under the impossibly complex task of keeping a two-year-old Harry from using the Christmas’ ornaments as Quaffles.

“James, I really think he knows how to control his magic,” Remus sighed, looking like he was about to give up.

“Of course he does! He’s clever, he knows exactly what he’s doing.” James replied, smiling.

Remus directed him a baffled look.

“Then why don’t you do something about it?”

“I am doing something about it. I’m putting you in charge of not letting him break anything.”

“James!”

“Oh, c’mon, Moony,” Sirius chimed in, not containing himself at how endearing Remus was when he was with Harry. “The boy is a natural at quidditch, he’s exploring!”

“With Lily’s furniture!”

“Not for much longer, I assure you.”

Remus snapped his eyes at Sirius, the line on his forehead intensifying its depth.

“Sirius, what do you mean by that?”

“Yes, Sirius, what do you mean by that?” Lily showed up at the threshold, arms folded before her.

“Why, his Christmas gift, of course.”

Sirius couldn’t help the grin growing on his lips. He knew the reaction he was signing up to when he got Harry’s Christmas present, and he knew Remus would have never let him get it, hence why he didn’t tell him in advance.

“Sirius,” Remus put down the red ornament he had been holding, and sighed deeply, probably already guessing the answer to the question he was about to ask. “What did you get Harry for Christmas?”

James was eyeing him suspiciously, eyes glistening with anticipation, and Lily kept her face absolutely still, bracing herself for whatever her son was about to get his tiny hands on. Sirius smiled at them.

“Sirius,” she asked. “Answer Remus’ question.”

Sirius checked the oven to make sure everything was done, before he turned it off and walked out of the kitchen, into the living room, making a beeline for the tree. Lily, James, and Remus followed him.

“Harry, come over here!” Sirius called for the boy, who promptly let go of the tiny Santa ornament he had been carrying upside down to run to his godfather’s arms.

“Pad!”

“Up!” Sirius picked him up and tossed him lightly upwards before catching him again, making the boy burst in joy. Sirius’ heart would always warm up at the sound of that laugh. “How would you like to open your Christmas present now?”

“Present!! Yes!”.

“So I thought,” Sirius smiled at him, then turned to James.

“Prongs, would you be a darling and pick up that big rectangular box in red and gold wrapping? The one with the broomsticks printed all over it.”

James obliged, and in a second had Harry’s gift placed on the sofa beside them. Sirius sat down, laying Harry between him and the box. The boy didn’t wait for anyone to tell him he could tear the wrapping apart, and in a minute, a shiny wooden box was revealed. Golden branches were carved along the edges of the frame, making their way to meet in the middle, forming the letters H.J.P. in the centre.

Sirius stole a glace up at James, as recognition shone across his friend’s eyes, followed quickly by a spark of something Sirius knew all too well, but hadn’t seen in James’ features for far too long: mischief.

“Padfoot, you did not!” James smiled, kneeling next to his son and running a finger along the frame of the box.

“Of course, I did.”

Harry looked confused for a moment, not quite figuring how he was supposed to open the box, so Sirius leaned forward to open the metal lock and lift the lid for him.

“What did you-,” Lily was asking in confusion, but cut herself off as soon as the contents of the box were revealed. “Oh God, Sirius!”

“Quidi!” Harry’s tiny voice chimed it, bewildered by what he saw before him.

“A quidditch set?! Brilliant!” James was saying, now reaching for the Quaffle to weight it on his hand. It was smaller than a usual Quaffle, more appropriate for tiny hands to grab and toss. He passed it over to Harry, whose wide green eyes were trying to simultaneously focus on every aspect of his present.

“Bludgy!” He squeaked, suddenly pointing to one of the balls sitting at the sides of the Quaffle. The Bludger was tied down with a leather wrap, being held in place while slightly shaking every once in a while, trying to get out.

“Sirius!” Remus’s face was in clear shock. “Tell me you didn’t get him an actual quidditch set?”

“Not an actual set,” Sirius reasoned, amused by Remus’ baffled expression. “An actual set would be bigger; this one is Harry-sized.”

“Sirius.”

“Oh, c’mon, Moony,” James said, “it’s fantastic! Look at his face, he loves it!”

“I love it!” Harry chimed in, and that was all it took for Sirius heart to grow about ten sizes.

“I hoped you would,” he whispered, kissing the top of the kid’s head to hide the stupid smile on his lips.

Lily was awkwardly quiet, a fact that finally registered with Sirius once Harry started tossing the Quaffle back and forth between him and his dad.

“Lilibeth, care to tell me what you think?” he asked, looking up at her.

Her face was unreadable, eyes running from the shaking Blugders to the smile on Harry’s face. She stayed like that for a moment, until finally dropping her shoulders and sighing loudly. She pointed a long, painted nail at Sirius.

“If he breaks anything, you’re paying for it,” she deadpanned.

“Noted,” Sirius smiled.

Harry being highly entertained with his new gifts (Blugders had been kept tightly to their spots, but he had now discovered his shiny new golden snitch – which would fly only a few feet above the ground, and never run too far from the kid), and the adults back to their business, the evening flew by easily until it was finally time to serve dinner.

Sirius was slightly tipsy from Lily’s eggnog, but it didn’t stop him from making one of the best meals of his life. The turkey was juicy and the gravy was just sublime. Sirius sometimes wondered how does anyone not love to cook, since it was something he enjoyed so much, even though he’d learnt it late. It always reminded him of Effie, being in the kitchen, and it made him smile.

The temperature inside was just on point, and Sirius didn’t remember a Christmas so lovely in his entire life; everything was perfect.

Too perfect for their track record, if we’re being honest.

Dessert had come and gone, and so had the drinks. While the adults were growing sleepy, Harry was reaching that moment after ingesting too much sugar and being too excited with his new toys, when he started being a slight hazard on everyone around. Remus was falling asleep on Sirius’ shoulder, and James was telling a very endearing story that could easily be left as background noise to a foggy mind. Lily was playing with a napkin.

No one was paying attention as the two-year-old who, at some moment, had been left out of the table to entertain himself with his new presents. Remus had given him a colouring book, and that’s what his attention had been on, just a minute ago. No one noticed when he switched his interest to the shiny wooden box still sitting on the sofa, or when his juvenile and non-controllable magic was enough to unlock one of the Bludgers. Honestly, no one even noticed the ball flying up from the box for another minute, not until it collided against one of Lily’s vases, shattering it to the floor. Not until Harry’s cheerful giggles turned into a terrified child crying his lungs out, and everyone froze around the dining table for a moment, before bursting into action.

The sound wasn’t really anything remotely similar to what an attack of any sort would sound like, but it was enough of a scare for a bunch of traumatized adults to get everyone on their feet and with their wands in hand on a split second. Lily was up and had Harry in her arms in record time, and, for the shortest moment, Sirius could swear James’ eyes were that of a mad-man, before he caught sight of the Bludger and dived to grab it, in a perfect James-Potter-Quiddicth-Genius manner. Remus was running to Lily, and it was only then that Sirius realised she was crying just as much as the boy in her arms.

The room went still for a moment, only Lily’s and Harry’s sobs blending with the Christmas music playing on the radio. Only a moment long enough for Sirius to understand what had just happened. And then, the moment broke.

Remus had his arms wrapped around Lily, but she wouldn’t stop shaking, and that wasn’t helping with Harry’s situation, so James jumped into action, taking the boy from her and exchanging a knowing look with Remus, before walking to the next room to try and calm the kid down.

Sirius felt horridly guilty; he’d been the one to get Harry the Quidditch set, and he hadn’t been paying attention to what the boy did to it. He slowly walked in Lily’s direction.

“Lily, I’m so, so, sorry,” he reached a hand, but she was still breathing heavily, and didn’t seem to register what he was saying.

“Lily,” he tried again.

“Not now, Sirius,” Remus hissed, giving him his best get the fuck out of here look.

Sirius stepped back quickly, hurt, and kept watching from a distance for a minute. Lily had stopped crying, but her breathing was still hitched, and her chest was raising up and down at an alarming speed. Her eyes were hallowed, looking into nowhere and Sirius felt pretty certain he knew what was moment was rushing through her head. He took a deep breath and bravely (and calmly) charged forward again.

“Lily, listen to me,” he whispered, kneeling next to her.

“Sirius, please-,” Remus was saying, but Sirius wouldn’t let him scare him off again. He knew he was just trying to help her, but so was Sirius.

“Remus, I can help her. Just let me, please?”

Remus held his eyes for a moment, before sighing and nodding, allowing Sirius to get closer.

Sirius settled himself on the floor next to her, taking her hands in his own.

“Lily, I need you to listen to my voice, okay? I know it’s hard and I know your brain is trying to take you somewhere else, but try, please. Here,” he squeezed her hands three times, as firmly as he could, “d’you feel that? It’s my hand on yours, I’m here with you, and you’re here with me, safe. You’re safe. Come on, try to breathe along with me.”

She blinked her eyes once, and they seemed to focus, only just. Sirius took the chance and reached for her face, turning it to his while ribbing her cheek.

“Lily,” he kept on whispering to her, “it’s me, it’s Padfoot. You’re home, you’re safe. C’mon, breathe.”

He kept repeating several variations of those same mantras to her, counting as he instructed her to breathe in and out, until she finally started responding, and he could see her eyes focusing on his, and her breath settling to a more normal pace. By then, he registered James re-entering the room with Harry, now calm and holding on to his dad.

“Prongs, come here,” he called.

James hurried to the three of them already on the floor, and settled down right in front of Lily, settling Harry between his legs. Remus had stayed holding her from behind the entire time, and Sirius was sitting to her left.

“Here,” Sirius took her hand and placed it on Harry’s arm, with Remus supporting her forward so it wouldn’t be too much of a reach for her. “See? Harry’s safe. James is safe. We’re all safe, we’re all here. It’s over, love. We’re all here.”

“Safe,” Lily said, only a breath.

“Safe,” Sirius affirmed.

They stayed there for a good twenty minutes, the lot of them. James’ hand covering Lily’s, which was holding Harry’s. Sirius still squeezing her other hand from time to time, and Remus, who was still holding her, reaching a hand for Sirius to hold.

Sirius grabbed it and looked at his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry I snapped,” Remus whispered, guilt in his eyes, even though Sirius didn’t blame him for his reaction.

“It’s okay,” Sirius replied, giving him a lopsided smile. “I suppose it was only fitting that we had some sort of bickering on Christmas. Is that not what normal families are supposed to do?”

“Normal,” Lily chuckled, to everyone’s surprise. All eyes were on her again. “As if there’s anything normal about the five of us.”

“Oh, I’m glad to see your sense of humour is returning, Mrs Prongs,” Sirius teased.

“My sense of humour is as intact as ever, thank you very much,” she said, before clearing her throat and straightening up her back, leaving, for the first time, the safety of Remus’ chest.

“Are you feeling better, Lil?” James asked, concern still in his eyes.

“Much, thank you,” she smiled, tiredly. “Thank you all.” she added, before recomposing herself and making to stand up. James leaped to his feet to help her, and Sirius extended his hands to pull Remus along, too. “Now, off to the living room, the lot of you. I’m going to make some tea. I believe it’s due. Padfoot, will you help me, please?”

“Of course,” Sirius smiled.

“Love, you sure you’re alright?” James asked.

“I am,” she said, kissing him, briefly but sweetly. She, then, bent down to pick up Harry, placing a kiss on his forehead and whispering “I’m sorry, love. Mummy’s so sorry she scared you. Harry, you’re so loved. Momma loves you, and Dadda loves you. You’re safe and you’re so, so strong, my boy. I’m sorry I scared you.”

She whispered into the boy’s hair for a minute before handing him to James and kissing her husband on the cheek before pointing to the living room in a way that allowed no room for arguments.

Before going into the kitchen with Lily, Sirius turned to Remus, who was running a hand on his neck. Staying on the cold floor for that long, especially this close to the full moon, couldn’t have been good for him. Sirius reached his own hand to rub the spot for him.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said again.

“It’s fine, Moony,” Sirius reassured him.

“I was a dick.”

“You were trying to help her. It’s fine. I promise,” Sirius leaned up and kissed him briefly, before sending him off after James and Harry.

He followed Lily into the kitchen and gathered the mugs while she worked with the kettle.

“I’m sorry about the vase,” he said.

“Oh, never mind that! It was just a vase.”

Sirius nodded, but he wasn’t done.

“I’m sorry it scared you.”

She turned the kettle on and walked to him.

“See, I knew you’d feel bad for that. Which is precisely why I called you in here with me. It’s fine, Sirius. It wasn’t your fault. And you helped me. You knew just what to say, and what to do. Thank you for that.”

He nodded again.

“Does it happen often? The panic attacks?”

She looked down at her feet.

“Sometimes.”

“Then how come James looked like he had never seen you like that?”

“Because I never let him, if I can help it.” She said, just over a breath of air.

“Lily…,”

“It’s usually less… messy,” she tried reasoning. “I just freeze and I can’t move for a while until I’ve calmed down. I think this time was different because I was mirroring Harry’s reaction.”

“Lily…” Sirius reached for her hand, and she let him take it. “You should’ve let us know. We are here for you. James is here for you. I am here for you.”

“I know,” she smiled up at him. “I-, it’s just not an easy thing to admit.”

“I get that, I do. But still, let us help you. Please?” He pleaded, squeezing her hand.

“I will,” she said, her emerald eyes as sincere as ever.

“Do you get those too?” she asked.

“Not much, really. Not anymore. Happened once or twice, but it wasn’t as bad as yours.”

“How did you know what to do then?”

“I-, Regulus. When we were little.”

He didn’t have to say more. Understanding washed over her face in an instant. “I see. Well, thank you for that.”

“Anytime you need, love.” Sirius leaned forward, placing a kiss on her forehead.

They stayed like that, hugging, until the kettle announced its readiness to serve their so needed tea.

Lily and Sirius made their way back to the living room, where James was helping Harry with his colouring. Remus was going through one of his coat pockets and, when Lily sat down with Sirius on the sofa, he approached, extending a hand with a chocolate frog in it.

“Here,” he offered, “I heard something sweet always helps, afterwards.” He smiled, and Lily returned the gesture; Sirius felt as if there was some private meaning to it, something he wasn’t aware of, that was just Remus’ and Lily’s to share. He didn’t pry.

They sat there, sipping their teas and enjoying each other’s company.

“Hey the full moon is on the 30^th, is it not?” James asked suddenly, after a moment’s silence.

“Yup,” Remus nodded, getting comfy next to Sirius.

“So, do you mind me tagging along? Haven’t stretched my paws in ages.”

Sirius felt a bark of laughter raising from his belly, but he was drinking his tea, and ended up half choking on it. He coughed a few times, cleaning the corner of his eyes, before responding excitedly.

“What d’you mean ‘do we mind?”? We’d love it prongs!”

“I think it’s brilliant!” Remus beamed. “I haven’t been with the two of you at once since… well, you know.”

“Yeah,” James nodded, dismissing the unnecessary comment. He did know. They all did. “I miss it, you know? Running around with you and Padfoot. Having a proper marauder’s night out!”

“Fuck yes! This is going to be a night to remember!” Sirius almost couldn’t contain his excitement. While James and Sirius had barely spent a day apart in the last two years, Prongs and Padfoot hadn’t seen each other in forever.

“Language!” Lily chastised, throwing a small pillow at him, which he dodged. “There’s a kid in the room.”

But the kid in question didn’t seem to be paying much attention to whether or not the adults around him were being civilised or not. Harry was far too entertained for such nonsense.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, laughing heartedly. Remus chuckled beside him, and he held his hand tighter.

They sat comfortably in silence for a while, just each other’s presence being enough. All was right in the world, all was good. It was peace as Sirius never thought he’d know.

Eventually, they switched back to Lily’s eggnog and the room lightened. Conversation picked up again and all the tears from earlier had been put aside in favour of a lovely family night.

And what’s a family night without everyone getting slightly tipsier than they should and the conversation turning into the most absurd things one could think of ?

“Do you think Jesus was a wizard?” Lily asked, out of nowhere.

“Would that work?” Remus asked, quickly buying into the subject. “I mean, then why would so many wizards celebrate Christmas? If Jesus was nothing but another wizard?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Never quite understood why wizards, especially purebloods, ever did anything religious at all.” She said, looking at James for clarification.

“We’ve been through this, we don’t really know. It’s not about the religion, for most wizarding families. It’s just a random celebration we’ve picked up on. And not everybody has. People sort of just follow what their families have been doing for centuries. From all varieties of muggle religions and traditions. I think at some point it all just mingled together.”

“But that’s exactly my point. Why would pureblood wizards pick up on muggle traditions?”

“Wasn’t Christmas originally pagan or something?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, something like that, I think,” Lily nodded. “But back to the topic. Jesus: wizard or not?”

“I mean, the guy could transfigure water into wine, so I don’t see why not,” Remus said.

“What if,” James said, diving headfirst into the subject. “Christmas started off as a wizard holiday and Jesus was just the guy who took it to the muggle world?”

“Was he a muggle, then?” Lily asked, interested.

“Maybe,” James piped it, a grin on his face, “he was a muggle who fell for a witch-,”

“For a wizard!” Sirius interrupted, finding the whole conversation absolutely amusing.

“Aaand we’ve gone from wizard Jesus to gay Jesus in five minutes. Happy Christmas, everyone!” Remus raised his cup.

They all broke down laughing at the stupidest, most random conversation they’d ever had.

“Him and John were pretty close,” Lily offered, and laughter just intensified.

It was so simple, so stupid. It was amazing. Just friends laughing together at a drunken comment that drove them into a rabbit hole conversation. Sirius never wanted that feeling to end.

The hours grew big and then small, but they wouldn’t leave. Even when all conversation died and they were just four twenty-somethings sitting together, enjoying the background music and the safety of each other’s company.

Harry fell asleep on the sofa, at some point, but Lily looked too comfortable and happy to move in order to get him to bed. Sirius was resting his head on Remus’ chest, almost nodding off. The radio was playing some Christmas classics, and he enjoyed just listening to them, humming along and taking in the moment.

Eventually, a John Lennon song started playing and it seemed only fitting when Lily started humming along

“So, this is Christmas,

And what have you done?

Another year over

A new one just begun.”

James kissed her hand before following her lead.

“And so, this is Christmas

I hope you have fun

The near and the dear one

The old and the young”

Sirius decided it was his cue to shine.

“A very Merry Christmas

And a happy new year

Let’s hope it’s a good one

Without any fear”

Lily smiled at the last bit.

Then, to every one’s surprise, no one other than Remus Lupin joined in, while James did the backing vocals. Not on tune, but so very beautiful. It was the funniest and most wholesome thing Sirius had ever seen.

“And so this is Christmas

For weak and for strong”

(“War is over, if you want it”)

“For rich and for poor ones

The road is so long”

(“War is over now”)

And their little family, in all their imense inability to sing, proceeded to make what was very likely the most beautiful thing Sirius had ever heard.

Lily was right; they weren’t a normal family, they would most likely never be one. They’d gone through hell, and parts of them were still in it. But they were together, and they were alive. There might have been a world in which that hadn’t been the reality, a story in which they wouldn’t be gathered that Christmas night, wanting nothing more than to be a stupid, normal, bickering family.

So many things could’ve gone wrong, so many near misses. But they dodged the curses, and they managed to stay alive, against all odds. And although their wounds were still fresh cuts, stinging like a bitch, they were together. And war was over.

The song kept on playing, and they kept on singing, and it took Sirius back to another song, and another moment of singing along with his friends.

It had been by a fire, the last time around; a drunken summer night so many summers ago. Right before their lives turned into a sea of blood being spilled, and lives slipping away like autumn leaves, lost in a moment in time. They hadn’t been that much younger than they were now, though, for Sirius, it felt like a lifetime ago. They were naïve, and brave, and stupid. How evergreen they’d felt, how alive.

Sirius kept that night in a safe place inside his memory, untouched by all the hurt that came shortly after. It was the night when Remus had changed everything around him and proven to be the bravest person Sirius had ever met. And, suddenly, he was happy.

So much had changed since then, but the warm feeling in his heart stayed the same. He loved those people, more than he could ever measure. It was a feeling so simple and pure that he wholeheartedly believed it could cure any wound, stop any curse. It was all he needed.

As the song merged into the next, they were all still smiling. It looked like such a simple thing to cherish, to appreciate, but it had been so rare for so long that Sirius felt like nothing in the world could be more precious than that. His friends. His family.

He felt like only that moment could give him the power to produce a patronus so powerful not all the Azkaban dementors combined would be strong enough to fight it. He wanted to stay there, freeze the moment in a picture, still like the muggle ones, and keep it in his pocket, safe and forever merry. And at the same time, he wasn’t afraid of the clock ticking anymore. He no longer feared tomorrow, or the day after that. He looked forward to it; the new memories, the new smiles, the new photographs.

And he finally, for the first time in his life, understood what Christmas was about. Remus had once explained to him the muggle meaning of the holiday, the religious background that none of them really bought into. It was never about that for Sirius, or any witch or wizard, for that matter. He’d never understood the appeal behind it, other than getting presents and having a couple weeks off of school. Now, it started to make sense.

Not the literal religious Christmas most muggles celebrated, but the feeling of it. Rebirth, to put it in context; a new start, a new life. Hope for tomorrow and the day after that. That’s what he felt now, and that’s what he would choose to hold on to, for the rest of his life.

Love filled the room, and he couldn’t have asked for any better gift.

Chapter Text

1986

“You okay, Lil?”

“Oh, sorry. Did I wake you up? Didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t be sorry,” James said, sitting up and wrapping an arm around her. “Talk to me, what’s wrong? Did you have another panic attack?”

“No, no nothing like that,” she said, smiling at him weakly.

James felt relieved. Her episodes still happened, even after all those years, but they were sparse and much rarer these days. She had looked for help.

“What is it then,” James asked again. “You clearly can’t sleep.”

“I-,” Lily bit her lip, ashamed. “You’re going to think I’m stupid.”

“No, I won’t!” He said, pulling her closer. “If it’s keeping you up at night, it’s obviously important. Come on, what is it?”

Lily took a deep breath and turned to face him in the dark room. His eyes were growing accustomed with the darkness, and the light coming in from the window, from the streetlights outside, was enough for him to have a good image of her face. She wasn’t looking at him when she spoke.

“I just, I have this final biochem test this Friday and I’m terrified, James.”

He smiled sweetly at her and squeezed her shoulder.

“I told you it was important. Why would you think I’d find that stupid?”

“It just, it feels like that, you know? We’ve been through war, through hell, and what’s keeping me up at night is a stupid biochemistry test? That’s silly.”

James pulled her closer to him and placed a kiss on the top of her head. “It’s not stupid, Lily. It’s life. People worry about simple, mundane things. Just because you’ve been through worse, you shouldn’t dismiss what you’re feeling right now! And, besides, it’s good that what’s keeping you up at night is something so simple as a test.”

“How is that good?”

“Because it means that the hell you were talking about, the one we went through, is over. It’s a sign of healing, Lily. A sign that you can worry about silly things, and mundane problems, like any other human being who’s not being dragged around in war.”

She looked up at him, smiling softly. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“Lily Evans Potter,” he smiled smugly at her, “when have I ever been wrong?”

She rolled her eyes back, but he could see the grin she was fighting back, only so she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of smiling at his remark. And in that second, in that singular, precious moment, James was thrown back in time; nearly ten years back in time. And they were back in the early days of their love, or, better than that, in the early days of their friendship. In the days Lily’s trademark eye-rolling at James slowly transfigured from actual annoyance into genuine fondness and mock-bickering, only for the fun of it; their own little joke, their own little kind of smile. James would move mountains and oceans; he would reach for the sun and not mind getting burnt if it meant seeing Lily smile.

Lily, the fiery woman he had had the utmost luck to call his, and to whom he had the privilege of belonging.

Seeing her bloom in her brilliant academic path, which he had always known suited her, was his favourite form of entertainment. He could sit down and listen for hours and hours without end as she described the crossroads between muggle science and magic; how potions, at its very core, was no more than chemistry with better ways of accessing the components’ properties, for magic allowed her to touch parts of molecules that the most optimistic scientists could only dream of.

Lily was a witch who had been born among no magic at all, and who had spent so much of her life learning to navigate two worlds. She had seen how the best of one never touched the best of the other, because no one dared to look at them as one and the same. Now, she would make them collide, and she was doing it because she wanted to help people.

“It was Marlene’s idea first,” she had said once, when she first explained to him how she would be double-majoring in Potions and Medicinal Chemistry.

And it had been. James remembered Marlene’s first attempts to blend muggle medicine with witchcraft. She would’ve been just as proud as he was now, and, no doubts, wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to carry on with her dream.

Lily was his everything, her and Harry. They had suffered their fair share in life, been scared of enough dangers. So, witnessing her worries about a test of all things; it healed him too.

Because James, too, had been worried for far too long about life-or-death situations. Because James, too, had been broken into a thousand and one pieces, a million times over, on the course of the last several years. Because James, too, was now trying to do something that mattered. And, sometimes, having to walk into an office where most people had no intention of changing their views on werewolves, and were even less inclined to change the laws around lycanthropy, was more stressful to James than having actual Death Eaters at the other end of his wand. And, still, he wouldn’t give up, no matter how little he managed to accomplish.

Remus kept telling him how great he was doing, how much work they had managed to do in their few years in the office. They had changed the Hogwarts curriculum, and although they hadn’t yet managed to take werewolves out of the DADA class (James had wanted to move it entirely into the Care of Magical Creatures class, but a special committee had ruled his decision out), they had made key changes to the topics under which werewolves were addressed. Now, teachers should make sure to highlight how non-threatening werewolves were out of a full moon, and talk about the social marginalization they were under. At the very least, they were tuning down the prejudice. It wasn’t much, but it was something; a small step, but a step nonetheless.

And although some days he felt as though he had exchanged one war for another (in some ways, he really had), he still felt as though every day gone by in which he wasn’t terrified of leaving his boy behind to go to work was a little bit easier. A day at a time, wounds turned to scars, and fresh red scars faded to pale white lines. And he healed. Slowly, but ever onwards.

Seeing Lily smile and roll her eyes at him in such a teenage fashion, healed him a little bit more, too, and he wanted to keep her like that forever; smiling at him in the safety and quiet of their bed, with their little boy sleeping soundly across the hallway.

But they weren’t teenagers anymore, and Lily’s worries were valid and real. She had tests coming up, and even though James longed to keep her up all night, happy all night, she needed sleep. They both did.

“Alright,” he reached a hand and tugged a red strand behind her ear, “I’m going to hop down and get you some chamomile. Then you’re going to drink it and we’re going to relax together, understood?”

But, once in the kitchen, it didn’t take long for James to realise there wasn’t any chamomile left, which was rather odd considering that, just yesterday, he had seen the bag, and it was full enough to last them another two weeks. His brain was still mousy from waking up, so it took him a moment to understand the only possible reason surrounding the missing bag of tea: they weren’t the only ones who couldn’t sleep tonight.

Closing the cabinet and tightening his night robe around his waist, James made to the living room fireplace, took a handful of flo powder, and stepped in, chanting his destination before tossing the green powder at his feet and twisting around in the flames.

He stepped out into another living room, and quickly dusted himself of, taking a quick look around. He promptly realised he wasn’t alone; the light was still dimly lit, and the record player was still on, though at a very low volume. He quickly spotted the two nearly empty cups of tea resting on the coffee table before turning his attention to the two men on the sofa.

They were sound asleep, cuddling in a manner that made James’ back hurt only from looking at the position. They’d be drowning in muscular relief potions tomorrow, no matter how comfortable they looked right now in each other’s arms.

The scene made James smile to himself, his heart bursting in love and happiness. Remus was spreading across the couch, with Sirius’ body being nothing but a dead weight on top of his. Sirius’ face was nowhere to be seen, hidden in his boyfriend’s neck, being sheltered from the outside world. One of Remus’ arms kept Sirius in place, not letting him fall to the floor.

James was suddenly taken back to the first years of their relationship, and how they’d avoid any kind of public displays of affection, even when only in company of friends. Recently, though, it had become more and more common for them to be found just like that, sleeping together or just lounging anywhere they could crash on.

The tea thievery wasn’t a novelty James had never been faced with before. It happened often that he would wake up in the morning to find no milk or eggs left in his own house. Every once in a while, the two wouldn’t even bother going back to their own flat; they would simply have whatever it was that they had come over for and crash on James’ sofa, or sneak up to Sirius’ old bedroom.

James turned off Bowie on the record player (which Sirius had probably enchanted to keep restarting whenever the record was over) and went into the kitchen to retrieve his stolen goods. Tea in hands, he turned off the lights on the living room and walked into the fireplace, smile still lazily on his lips.

He always found it curious how the realisation of how lucky they were always dawned on him at the simplest times. It’s never the big events that make him feel genuinely alive, but the small details that still catch him off guard, even after so many years of peace.

He feels alive when he watches Harry nodding off on the couch, his head on Lily’s lap while she reads a book. Or when he catches Remus and Sirius bickering the way they used to when they were teenagers, only now with the safety of a relationship they fought so hard to build, and even harder to make work.

Sometimes, he worried about how much time left they had, because, as much as he would love to believe nothing will ever change again, James isn’t stupid.

No problem is solved by simply vanishing in thin air, no matter how much magic is involved. There were rumours, every now and then, of Voldemort being spotted in the oddest of places. James wished he could ignore such tales, pretend as if he didn’t hear them, but he couldn’t help the sinking feeling on his stomach, every time. That the Dark Lord had never been completely dealt with, there was no doubt in James’ mind. He knew it would be stupid to believe so. No, Voldemort was still out there, lurking in the shadows, trying to recover his strength, and planning for the day he would rise again. James could only hope that day would never come to be.

He pushed those thoughts away, as he always did; it was no use to dwell on it. The best he could was take in as much happiness as he could, and enjoy every little moment of peace.

That’s what he focused on, as he returned to the safety of his bedroom to find Lily smiling back at him, and reaching for her cup.

They drank in silence, before putting their cups away and getting comfortable together.

“You’re meeting up with Grant this weekend?” Lily asked, making conversation.

“Yep, we’ll go for a beer and watch the quarter-finals together.”

“It’s so nice that he knows about magic, now. God, it used to be so stressful having him close and having to keep Harry in check.”

“Yes, definitely makes it much less embarrassing for me to not know about muggle sports. I’m really glad Remus told him.”

Lily mumbled her agreement.

“What about you? Plans with Mary?”

“Nope,” Lily said turning back to face him. “With Padfoot.”

“Oh Merlin, it’s never good when you two get on to something together.”

“What? We always behave. And I’ll have you know I’m a great influence on him!”

“More like he’s a terrible influence on you, I should say,” he mumbled.

Lily laughed and cupped his cheek with her hand.

“You’re always so sweet when you get jealous. I’m just not sure whether you’re jealous of him or of me.”

“I’m obviously jealous of Sirius, for getting to spend time with my beautiful, incredible, brilliant wife,” he said, leaning in and kissing her.

“Hmm,” she smiled, pulling back only far enough to be able to look at him. Her emerald eyes shining against his, shimmering in the dim light of the bedroom. “And why don’t you take advantage of some of that jealousy and spend some time with your wife right now?” She spoke with a voice smooth as velvet, her hand sliding from his face down to his neck, running behind his head and pulling him towards her.

“I might just-,” was all James managed to say before her lips were on his again, shortly followed by the rest of her.

James allowed his hands to pull her closer, bringing her into his own body, until their edges just weren’t there anymore, and the lines between them became blurred.

They stayed completely tangled in each other for several minutes, before James pulled away slowly, switching his lips from her neck back to her mouth and then to her hands.

“You’re supposed to be resting now, love,” he whispered, turning his attention back to her auburn hair, brushing it behind her ears.

“I would never sleep again if we could just stay like this,” she whispered back, before hooking him by the waist and pulling him forward again, and James just about died.

Sometimes, he genuinely couldn’t believe his luck. He had been twelve when the prospect of ever being loved by Lily Evans had crossed his mind. Back then, it had been childish and silly; just a boy crushing on a girl who didn’t like him in the very least. But they grew together, and even though it took him years of endless pinning and a good deal of maturing along the way, he finally got the girl. Now, they had been together for nearly a decade and every day by her side was a day James was happy beyond his wildest dreams.

Sharing a life with Lily was more than he could ever have dreamed of, and sharing a family with her was something else entirely.

Their little boy was his in the wildness of his hair and the features on his face. Sirius was certain Harry looked more like his father by the second and therefore was doomed to have an ego just as big. But James disagreed a little on that remark. Harry was the spitting image of him, yes, but that is as long as he didn’t open his eyes. Lily’s eyes.

It is said that the eyes are the windows to one’s soul, and James wholeheartedly believed Harry was walking proof of that. He had James’ energy, and his talent for Quidditch was already showing. He even shared some of Remus’ sarcastic abilities and Sirius’ disregard for authorities, that much was already clear, even at the tender age of six. But he had Lily’s heart; her kindness and selflessness (though she would argue that was one of James’ attributes as well), her bravery, and wits. He was his mother’s son, and James couldn’t be prouder.

The boy was sure to wake up any time now, with dawn starting to break through the windows. He was an early riser – to Sirius’ dismay, whenever he and Remus stayed over – and would come running to his parents’ bedroom first thing in the morning, which made things quite difficult whenever James and Lily were feeling particularly inspired before breakfast.

James felt Lily slowing down and resting her head on his chest. He enveloped her, and they got comfortable together. They might still have an hour or so to nap before the little steps started up the hallway, and a small hand poked one of them in the face. James smiled, thinking of the ritual, of the routine, and then he dozed off.

Chapter Text

1986

“Moony? You okay?” Sirius’ head poked out from the hallway, into the living room.

“Yeah, just restless. Too close to the moon. Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Nah, wasn’t you.”

Remus studied his face for a second; his eyes were wide awake, and his breathing was just steadying back to normal.

“Nightmare again?”

Sirius sighed, then nodded.

“Come here,” Remus called, rearranging himself on the sofa to make room for Sirius.

He sat down, pulling his knees up to his chin, and Remus slid closer, pulling him to his chest.

“You hadn’t had one of those in a while,” he whispered, kissing the side of his head.

“Yeah, I know,” Sirius leaned it. “Reckon the last time was over a year ago.”

It had been even longer than that if Remus’ memory wasn’t failing him. While Sirius’ nightmares about his brother had been frequent at some point in time, after his meeting with his cousin, they started to fade away. They hadn’t disappeared overnight, but it seemed that talking about what happened in them helped Sirius set reality apart from those dark nights. The fact that he had found some sort of closure to his brother’s death also helped, and Remus had watched as nightmares slowly tuned down to weird dreams and, eventually, Sirius’ nights would go by unbothered. Now, the nightmares barely ever happened, and, if they did, it was because there was something bothering him. Remus had a pretty good guess what this one was about.

“Is it because of…?” Remus offered, letting himself trail off.

“Suppose so.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not much to talk about really.”

“Sirius…”

“No, I mean it,” Sirius said, looking up so Remus could see his face. He wasn’t evasive or even annoyed, just genuinely calm, and perfectly comfortable. “She was there… and I was there, I think I was hiding from her, and I could hear her calling my name. But that’s all.”

Remus nodded and held his hand. “Well, you don’t need to hide from her anymore. Not ever again.”

“I know,” Sirius said. He was calm, which was quite unusual given the circumstances. Usually, bringing up his mother would turn him stone cold, defensive. But, then, Sirius Black had never been one to be afraid of the dead.

The news of Walpurga Black’s passing had reached them a few days before in the form of a letter from the Ministry, letting Sirius know he had inherited the entirety of the Black state. Sirius’ reaction had been nothing but momentary shock, followed by a long sigh and a short nod of the head, so different from when his brother had died. But Sirius had never loved Walpurga the way he had loved Regulus. She had been to him nothing but pain, and his initial shock to her death had been more related to the fact that he hadn’t expected to receive even a knut out of his family, given the fact that he had been literally burnt out of it when he was sixteen.

“Reckon it’s because there are no heirs left. Regulus is gone, Bellatrix is in Azkaban,” James had offered.

“There’s Cissy,” Sirius had countered. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want it.”

And that had been it. He might touch the money, someday, Remus thought, if he ever comes to need it (which was quite unlikely considering the fortune his Uncle Alphard had left him), but he would never again set foot in his childhood home, if he could help it. Sirius would rather see it rot to the ground than ever cross its front door again.

“It’s strange,” Sirius continued, now, after a moment. “That she’s gone. I mean, I’m glad, relieved, even. But it’s still strange.”

Remus only stroked his hair away from his face, letting him elaborate.

“I was always subconsciously afraid of bumping into her whenever we’d be in places such as Diagon Alley, or the Ministry. I think even though I left them all behind all those years ago, she still lingered just behind my thoughts. A sort of buzzing, or a voice whispering how much of a disappointment I was. It’s all quiet, now.

“That’s good, then,” Remus said, gently. “And I’ll have you remember that being a disappointment to her is not a bad thing,” he smirked, trying to lighten up the mood.

“I know,” Sirius smiled back at him. “I’m her biggest disappointment, and that just might be my second greatest accomplishment.”

“Second?” Remus raised his eyebrows. “And what would the first be?”

Sirius leaned forward and answered him with a kiss; long and sweet. When he pulled away, Remus felt himself blush and couldn’t help the dopey smile growing on his face. Sirius smiled right back at him. That Sirius Black grin.

“Why, my cooking abilities, obviously,” he said, with a quirk of his brow.

“You prick,” Remus laughed, leaning in again, and capturing Sirius’ lips on his own once more.

They hung to each other for a while, and Remus thought, not for the first time, that if he could live forever in a moment like that, then nothing else would ever have the power to touch him. The years did nothing for them but strengthen their relationship; deepen their love for each other. They were partners, boyfriends, family and, above all else, they were best friends. Sirius was more intoxicating than any drug, and Remus wished for nothing other than to get high on him, touch the clouds and never come back down. They’d faced more struggles and bumps on the road than most people would know in their entire lives, but nights like this only proved to Remus that he’d do it all over again, if it meant that this is what he’d find in the end.

They only kissed, and the delicacy and comfort of it was all either of them needed tonight. Eventually, they settled back on the couch to make themselves comfortable.

“Tell you what I wanted right now,” Sirius said, after a few minutes of silent companionship.

“What?”

“Some tea. Camomile would be good.”

“Camomile? You never drink camomile. You call it ‘old lady’s tea’!”

“Well, maybe I just feel like being an old lady, right now,” Sirius shrugged. “Reckon I spend too much time with you.”

“Shuddup, tosser!” Remus mock-punched him in the chest. “Anyway, we don’t even have any camomile in.”

“James does,” Sirius shrugged, as if it was the most obvious trail of thought. It was for him, naturally. Sirius and James had never known boundaries when it came to each other’s things. Remus and Lily teased them about it, but neither of them minded it much, not really. Padfoot and Prongs were a closed deal, you would never get one without the other, and Remus wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Alright, but make it quick.”

Sirius kissed his cheek before jumping to his feet and going to the fireplace, where he quickly disappeared in a twist of green flames.

Remus took the moment to put on some music. He started sorting through their ever-growing collection until he found what he was looking for. He placed the record beneath the needle and smiled to himself as the introductory drums of Five Years started sounding through the room. He had always thought that song to be quite underrated, eclipsed by the rest of the album, and Bowie’s discography. But then, maybe Remus just related to it a little too much.

Sirius was back before Soul Love had even reached its chorus.

“Ziggy Stardust? It’s been a while since we listened to that one,” he said, smiling. “Good choice, Moony!”

Remus got up and followed Sirius into the kitchen, watching as he sorted out their drinks.

“Remember how obsessed we used to be with that album? You used to theorize Bowie was a wizard and said you just wanted to walk up to him someday and ask.”

“Yes,” Sirius replied, smiling. “I’m still somewhat convinced of it, though.”

“Of course, you are,” Remus laughed lightly.

They settled together back on the couch with their respective cups.

“Do you reckon Harry’s too young to go to a concert?” Sirius asked.

“He’s barely six,” Remus replied. “I’d say that’s pretty young for a concert like that, yes.”

“Bet James wouldn’t mind,” Sirius shrugged.

“Bet Lily would.”

Sirius mocked a dramatic sigh, resting his now empty cup on the coffee table.

“Okay, you’re right.”

Remus followed suit, setting his own cup aside and adjusting himself on the sofa so Sirius could come to rest against his chest, again. His back complained about the odd position, and Remus would definitely pay the price in the morning, but, being able to smell Sirius’ hair and kiss the top of his head whenever he felt like it, he didn’t really care. He’d take a painkiller or a pain draught later, but this moment was just too precious to let go.

Remus had always liked the early hours of the day. The world was still, and quiet, and everything seemed to move in slow motion. There wasn’t much that could happen before the sun would rise, so Remus allowed himself to enjoy the stillness of it all, and the comforting presence of the man resting on his chest.

At the age of 26, sometimes Remus felt as if he had an entire lifetime on his back. Even though they had made some progress over the years, James and Remus’ work within the ministry tended to be more challenging and frustrating than rewarding. They had their little wins, every now and then, and Remus knew they would be making a difference in the long run, but it always felt as if they were fighting too hard for too little progress and, some days, it could be quite exhausting.

But, no matter how gloom his day at work might have been, or whatever challenges he might face outside his door, finding comfort in Sirius’ arms every night was all he really needed. The raven-haired posh boy he had fallen for over 10 years ago had the power to put his mind at ease, even if just for a few hours every day. Being loved by Sirius Black made it all worth it.

“Remus?” Sirius called for him, looking up. “Oi, earth to planet Moony! What were you dreaming about right there?”

“What?” Remus blinked a few times, looking down at Sirius. “I wasn’t dreaming.”

“Yes, you were,” Sirius smirked. “You were doing that thing when you stare into the distance and seem to fly away from here. Only, you usually look worried, but this time you were smiling.”

Remus blushed.

“I was not.”

“Come on, Moony. What was going through that gigantic head of yours?”

“I was thinking of you,” Remus said, quietly.

Sirius blushed right back at him. He turned around so he was now straddling Remus’ lap on the couch.

“What about me?” He asked, taking Remus’ hand and fidgeting with his fingers.

“Just-, just how happy you make me,” Remus said, bashfully. He took hold of Sirius’ hand, steadying his fingers and bringing it up for a kiss. “I love you, Padfoot.” He said, simply.

Sirius’ cheeks were now burning red. He took his other hand to Remus’ hair, burying his fingers inside his curls, and stroking his scalp gently.

“Godric, Lupin. When did you become such a romantic? If word of this gets out, our reputations would be ruined.” He teased.

“Would you rather I went back to my days as a delinquent, then?”

“Well, you sure as hell looked really hot, back then.”

“And I don’t anymore?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“You look just as gorgeous as ever,” Sirius smiled. He always looked his best when he was smiling like that; wide and genuine, but sweet and easy. “You’re beautiful.”

He leaned forward and kissed Remus on the cheek, before pulling back and staring deep into Remus’ eyes. Remus felt as though he might as well be naked with the way he was being looked at; he was certain there wasn’t a single corner of his soul that Sirius couldn’t see. That he couldn’t touch.

“And I love you too, Moony,” Sirius whispered right before leaning in again. Remus answered instinctively, closing the space between them.

They didn’t go back to bed that night; their little corner of the living room was all they needed. And each other. As long as Remus had Sirius and Sirius had Remus, they would be alright.

Sirius enchanted the record player to keep restarting every time it was finished, so they fell asleep to the sound of Bowie singing to them. The last things Remus registered before drifting off were the opening lines to Rock ‘n’ Roll suicide, and Sirius’ heartbeat against his own.

Chapter Text

Lily couldn’t find Harry. She had turned the house upside down, twice, and it was like the boy had simply vanished from the face of the earth. She had been looking for at least fifteen minutes, under every bed and inside every little space possible, and found nothing. She was pretty sure he had found his father’s invisibility cloak (again!) and was now having the time of his life hiding from her and thinking himself the cleverest boy in the world.

“Harry James Potter, this is not the time for games.”

“Harry James Potter? Merlin, what did he do to deserve a full name reprimand?” came Sirius’ smirk from behind her. She swirled around, jumping from the scare. In her heist for finding her son, she hadn’t heard him come through the fireplace, from where he was now stepping out of.

“He’s hiding from me, and we’re going to be late. I told Molly I’d be dropping him off at 11. That’s thirty minutes from now.”

“Lily, calm down, it’s not like we’ll be walking to the Burrow.”

“No, but your godson isn’t even dressed yet,” she sighed, then lowered her voice, hoping Harry wouldn’t be too close to listen in to her. “And, besides, I can’t find him, Sirius. I hate not being able to find him.”

“Oh,” Sirius’ expression shifted into understanding, as it dawned on him how she must be feeling. He smiled kindly at her, reached, and squeezed her shoulder “It’s okay, Lily.”

Sirius stepped back from her and made it to the back kitchen door, opening it and standing under the frame.

“It’s a pity you can’t find Harry, though,” he spoke loudly, his voice probably resonating throughout the house, clearly trying to get the boy’s attention. “Because I fancied a little flying before we went out this morning, and I reckoned he’d like to join me.”

“Really?” A six-year-old voice squeaked in excitement, just a second before Harry’s head popped up in the air, in a corner of the kitchen, the rest of his body still invisible to the world. Lily exhaled.

“No,” Sirius poked his tongue out, and Harry deflated. “Oh, come on, don’t give me that look. You’re not even going to come and say hi to me?” He grinned, mischievously, opening his arms and slouching. Harry’s pout vanished immediately – he could never resist running to his godfather at any chance he got – and he charged forward, leaving the cloak behind as he jumped on Sirius’ arms. Sirius caught him raised him in the air, hugging him tightly. Lily felt her heart easing itself, and smiled at the duo.

“Godric, you’re growing too fast,” Sirius put Harry down, still grinning at him.

“Wish it was faster,” Harry said, his cheeks flushed.

“Oh, you want to be a big boy?” Sirius smirked. “Then why don’t you do what your mum’s saying and go up to put on some clothes?”

“Yeah, okay,” Harry admitted defeat, then walked towards his mum. Lily bent down and kissed the top of his head, taking in the smell of him.

“Your clothes are sorted out on your bed, darling. Do you want my help?”

He shook his head.

“Hmm very grown-up of you. Off you go then,” she smiled kindly, and Harry let go of her embrace, already going towards the stairs. “Call me if you need anything! I’ll be down here with Padfoot.”

“Okay!” He disappeared up the stairs.

Lily turned to Sirius,

“You’re a lifesaver. Thank you.”

“Don’t be silly,” he gave her a sweet smile. “He was just playing around.”

“I know,” she said, careful to keep her voice low. “And I want him to be able to do that, like any other kid. That’s why I don’t want him to know it gets me worried. He’s already got a lot on his shoulders for a kid, whether he understands that or not. I’m not adding my own concerns to that.”

Sirius came to her and embraced her in a soft hug. He was a good hugger, Lily thought to herself; it made her feel better immediately.

“And that’s perfectly reasonable,” he said, letting go of her. “You’re right, he’s just a kid, and he should be able to act like one. But your feelings are valid too, darling.”

“I know,” she sighed.

“Maybe talk to him? Explain that him hiding like that for so long gets you worried. It’s not putting your concerns on him, but explaining them.”

“I think I will do that,” she smiled, “thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” he smiled back, though now his face turned into its default mischievous features. “Do you think if we were to go back in time and tell fourteen-year-old Lily Evans she would one day be receiving parenting advice from Sirius Black, she’d believe us?”

“I think she’d laugh in our faces right before hexing us into the next week,” Lily laughed. “You silly man, when did you become so wise?”

“I’m full of surprises, dear Lilith.”

They waited a few more minutes until Harry came back down, fully dressed by now and ready to go. Lily adjusted his robes and tried making his hair behave – which, she should know by now, was a lost cause.

They left via the floo network, and all three of them found themselves stepping into the Weasleys’ living room in only a few seconds. The reception was as welcoming as always. Molly was already waiting by the fireplace and embraced Harry in a sweet hug as soon as she caught glimpse of him. Ron was waiting eagerly by his mother’s side, and both boys ran straight outside as soon as was humanly possible.

Although Lily and Sirius didn’t have plans to stay long, they politely accepted a cup of tea and some biscuits, sitting down to chat for a few minutes.

“How’s Arthur?” Sirius was asking.

“Oh, working as always. And his muggle obsession grows by the day,” she rolled her eyes, fondly.

A pair of very identical redheads suddenly burst through the kitchen at such a speed Lily had a start.

“Boys! No running in the house!” Molly chastised.

The two boys stopped suddenly, right in front of Sirius, grinning ear to ear in pure mischief.

“Hello, Mr. Black,” they said in unison.

“Fred, George,” Sirius nodded in way of greeting. “Last summer before school starts, right?”

“Yes, we can’t wait!” One of them – and Lily couldn’t tell which one it was even if her life was on the line – said, before the two set of on a new sprint towards the back door, probably on their way to annoy the younger ones playing outside.

“They’re already off to Hogwarts?” Lily asked. She couldn’t believe those two were already so big.

“Yes, this September,” Molly replied. “I cannot describe to you how terrified I am of what they’ll be up to. It’ll definitely be no good.”

Sirius grinned, and Lily knew exactly what was on his mind. The two boys had a very particular energy about them; very familiar too.

They stayed another half hour or so before getting up to go on their way. Harry didn’t bother to do as much as a distant wave towards his mother and godfather before re-entrancing himself in whatever he and Ron were up to. Molly would be taking him home later that afternoon, which gave Sirius and Lily the rest of the day for themselves.

Lily didn’t have much of a plan for their afternoon together, even though she had been the one to invite Sirius to come along. She had made a reservation at a wizarding restaurant for lunch, and was thinking that maybe later they could go into Diagon Alley, or somewhere in muggle London. She was just glad to have Sirius with her, and only her, for once. She really needed to talk.

They were half an hour into lunch and pleasant small talk before Sirius sat back on his chair and asked her what the day was about.

“What do you mean what is it about?” she asked back.

“Lily, come on,” he quirked a knowing eyebrow. “You randomly asked me for lunch and insisted on it being just the two of us. Clearly something’s up. What is it? Did Prongs screw something up?”

“No, nothing like that,” she replied quickly.

“Then what?”

She hesitated, although talking had been the whole point of asking Sirius to spend the day with her.

“It’s just,” she took a long breath, mastering the courage until she managed to blurt out. “I’ve reached out to my sister.”

“Oh,” Sirius blinked a few times, as the information sank in. “Oh. What for? I thought you two had been estranged for years.”

“Haven’t seen her since our parents’ died,” she nodded. “Which is part of why I thought we ought to try and reconnect. I mean, we’re adults now, none of us is fighting any wars and… the kids. I would really love for Harry to know his cousin. Besides, she’s my sister.” She looked directly into Sirius’ eyes now, looking for understanding, and was glad when she recognised it in his face.

He reached across the table and took her hand.

“And what happened? When you tried reaching out, how did she respond.”

“I sent a letter, first, which she didn’t respond to. I thought maybe it was the whole wizarding mail thing, and decided I would try to phone her.” Took me a long while to find her number, and then another long while to gather the strength to dial her.”

“Did she answer?”

“Her husband did,” Lily said, cringing. Having any sort of exchange with Vernon Dursley hadn’t been more pleasant now than when she first met him. He barely heard her give her name and was already giving the phone over to his wife, with a grunt of displeasure under his breath.

When Petunia picked up the line, Lily felt her insides freezing. She hadn’t heard her sister’s voice in so long, and the tone with which he answered, nothing but “what do you want?”; it was all too much.

“I tried being nice, and asked her how she was, but she didn’t give me more than short and sharp answers to anything I attempted asking. I asked her about the letter, and she just told me not to write again, because it was upsetting to have that animal flying into her living room and what will the neighbours think? She didn’t even ask me how I was, or-,” Lily shook her head, in an attempt to clear her thoughts. Sirius squeezed her hand again.

“I asked if we could meet, that I’d love to get the boys together and to see her, but she just said she’d rather not. Cold, as if I was some annoying salesperson trying to sell her some absurd thing over the phone. After that, I just-, I couldn’t do it anymore. I said alright then, bye Tunny. and I hung up.” She finished, letting out a long breath, and closing her eyes for a second. She wasn’t going to cry, not again. She’d done her share on the day the phone call took place.

“That’s awful, Lily. I’m really sorry,” Sirius said, kindly.

“It’s alright,” she tried smiling. “I just feel stupid, really. To think there was something to be salvaged with her.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he gave her a sad smile. “But you knew that already, didn’t you? That I’d get it. That’s why you wanted to talk to me?”

She looked at him apologetically. She knew it wasn’t her place to question Sirius about his relationship with his brother, but she couldn’t help the need to be understood. James would be nice and kind, and tell her it was all going to be alright, and that it was Petunia’s loss. Remus, most likely, wouldn’t know what to say, and would end up just hugging her or saying something snarky to cheer her up. But Sirius would understand her. Really fucking understand her.

Because having your sibling be so far from being your family hurts in a very particular way. It’s confusing and unfair; as if someone who should’ve been your promised friend for life was no more than an annoyance in the back of your family memories. It wasn’t as simple as cutting ties because the ties would always be there, no matter what. Tied together in the history they shared and in the way that no other person could understand where you came from the way your sibling could, one way or another. Even when they were completely different, as opposite poles; because even those belong to the same planet.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “But I needed someone to understand. And to be honest with me.”

“It’s okay, love,” Sirius said, getting up and moving to sit next to her, instead of across from her. He held her hand again as soon as he sat down.

“I don’t think Regulus and I would have ever made up, had he stayed alive,” he said, after a moment.

Lily looked up at him, confused.

“But the things you found out about him… you said they gave you peace.”

He nodded.

“They did. That doesn’t change all the other things he did, or who he was. He was a death eater, he hurt people, he believed in things I could never even begin to fathom. I would never have a person like that in my life, near the people I care about and want to protect. It’s against all reason within me, against everything I believe in.”

“But that doesn’t mean you didn’t love him.”

“No,” he agreed. “It doesn’t. Because love isn’t rational. It doesn’t let you choose who you care about, and the problem with that is that every now and then there’ll be someone who you love but who you don’t like. And there isn’t much you can do about that.”

“Isn’t that counterproductive?” she asked.

“Oh, very much so, yes!” He smiled at her. “My point, Lily, is that finding out Regulus had still cared about me, in spite of everything else, gave me some peace because it meant there was some part of the boy I knew still in there. But I don’t know if that boy would win over the hateful man who had grown up in his place. So, I don’t think we would ever have found our paths back to each other.”

Lily nodded, thinking of how her and Petunia had been the best of friends, once upon a time. She still loved her sister, and that was precisely why it hurt so much to think they would never be a family again.

“I don’t know what’s in your sister’s heart,” Sirius continued, now holding both of Lily’s hands in his own. “I can’t speak for her, but I can tell you that it is okay to let her go. Even though you love her. If she doesn’t want anything to do with you, there’s nothing you can do. But it’s okay to be sad about it, too.”

“Thank you, Padfoot,” she smiled sadly at him.

“Come here,” he pulled her into a hug, and she accepted it gladly.

She felt lighter, and in peace with her own mind now.

“Is there anything else you need?”

“I’m alright,” she said, breaking the hug to look at him. “I think I just really needed to talk about it.”

“Well, I’m glad to be of service,” he grinned at her. “Want to get out of here? I really fancy one of Florean’s ice creams.

“My hero,” she smiled.

They settled the bill and went on their way, talking lighter subjects and enjoying the afternoon. They had ice cream and walked around the shops in Diagon Alley with no particular reason. Just enjoying the warm summer day and each other’s company.

Lily chastised herself inwardly for not spending more time alone with Sirius. While they didn’t have as much in common as she had with Remus, Sirius knew how to make even the most mundane of afternoons into an interesting day. He was loud and expansive, much like James. Lily quite enjoyed the energy he cast around wherever he went, and basked herself in the lightness of being with her friend.

Eventually, Sirius suggested driving her home on his bike, and while Lily would usually turn down such an invitation, today she was feeling particularly inclined to have a bit of extra fun. She quickly found Sirius had got quite better at driving, and the flight was smooth and enjoyable. She held on to his waist and took in the fresh air of the sky, allowing herself to relax. When they landed, she felt quite better than she had that morning, and a smile came easily to her lips.

“Thank you,” she grinned at him.

“Anytime you need me, Mrs Prongs.”

“Oh, shut up,” she laughed. “I mean it, Padfoot. Thank you. Not just for today but-, for being you, always.”

“You’re always there for me too,” he shrugged, smiling.

“I’m just glad to have you. If I don’t have my sister, at least I found myself a brother.”

Sirius blushed, but quickly turned his smile into a smirk.

“In-law, though. Cause James and I basically shared parents, and if I were both your brother and his brother, then your marriage would be kind of incestuous.”

“Ughh,” Lily groaned, rolling her eyes at him. “You silly man, why did you have to muck up the moment?”

He grinned.

“Couldn’t help it.”

She shook her head disapprovingly, though she couldn’t stop smiling. Sirius’ mischievous grin quickly turned into a sweet smile again, and he leaned forward, kissing her forehead.

“I’ve always wanted a sister,” he whispered.

Chapter Text

1st of september, 1991

“Harry, for the love of God, don’t run!”

“Let the boy have his moment.”

“He can have his moment. Walking by our side.”

“He’s excited, Lily!”

“I know, Padfoot, he’s almost as excited as James is.”

“Oi! Can I not be happy my little boy is finally going to school?”

“Don’t listen to them, Prongs. You have every right to be excited-, Harry! Listen to your mum and stop running ahead.”

He drew to a halt immediately, allowing the grownups to catch up to him.

“Sorry, uncle Moony,” He stood still until Moony had come to stand next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“S’alright, kid. Just don’t run much, alright?”

Harry nodded his head and continued to walk next to his uncle until they reached the brick wall between platforms 9 and 10. The adults continued to make small talk around him, but he wasn’t really listening much. There was an odd flutter in his stomach, the prospect of going away from his family for an entire year at once terrifying and exciting.

He would miss them, dearly. He loved them all very much, and really didn’t know how he would manage to go for months without listening to their voices or being annoyed by their over-protectiveness.

On top of it all, he was now old enough to understand what the scar cutting across his face meant. He was eleven, quite grown-up for his own standards, and had seen enough of how people reacted whenever he introduced himself.

His closest friends never seemed to mind it much, thank goodness for that. Neville, in all his nervousness, had never paid Harry’s story any mind, always too worried about not mucking up whatever they were playing at. Ron had laughed his face off the first time Harry had confided in him what had happened to him, telling him it wasn’t really a secret. Everyone knew, apparently.

“I know you well enough to know you’re not really all that glorious, so don’t worry,” the red-headed boy had said, in between fits of laughter.

And that was that. Harry had grown up quite sheltered from the craziness of the wizarding world, he was aware of that. And he had never really minded it much. The stares, the whispers, it had always felt like too much for him, quite annoying actually. He was just a kid, after all. Why should he be praised for something that happened to him when he wasn’t even old enough to remember?

But now, as he crossed the barrier into platform 9 ¾, he could see in the looks of everyone around him that whatever peace he might have been given so far in life, it was over.

There had been talks of homeschooling him. His parents had obviously thought they were being discreet, only talking about it in their study and never bringing it up in front of him. But Harry was smart, and, for Merlin’s sake! He was eleven! He was old enough to catch on what wasn’t being said, and, naturally, to eavesdrop on the adults around him.

At first, he was outraged. Were his parents considering not letting him go to school with his friends? Not a bloody chance, if he had any say in the matter. As much as he appreciated the shelter under which he had grown up in, he was big enough to deal with the real world. And he wanted to.

He had to intervene and make sure he was getting on that train in September. He couldn’t talk to his mum; she would smile sadly at him and say she was taking care of it. She still saw him as a little boy, which annoyed Harry out of his mind sometimes because, as previously established, he was eleven.

Talking to his dad might be slightly less of a challenge, but then, James Potter would never make a decision Lily wasn’t one hundred percent on board with, and it would all turn back to her again. No, he needed an external force, he needed someone who would listen to him first and then talk to his parents and get some sense into them. He needed his uncles.

Getting them alone was the easy part, for there was nothing more routine in his life than just shouting to his mum that he was visiting Moony and Padfoot before vanishing in the green flames.

Harry got them to sit down on the sofa, and righted himself on the armchair next to it, trying to summon his full hight and a very mature posture.

“What is it, kiddo?” Uncle Sirius asked, looking at him and smiling, almost amused. Not a good start, Harry thought to himself. Uncle Remus elbowed him on the ribs, lightly, and Harry was thankful. Moony had always been the best at not talking to him like a child, and to take him seriously.

“I need to talk to you about school.”

“School?” Uncle Remus asked, interested. “You mean Hogwart..s?”

“Yes,” Harry nodded, holding his head high. “I know my parents are considering not sending me. And I need to make sure they stop considering that.”

“You want to go then?” Uncle Sirius asked.

“Obviously I want to go!” Harry said, feeling his voice get higher for a second, and immediately chastising himself. He could not sound like a whining child.

“Alright,” Moony nodded. “But, Harry, you do understand why your mum and dad are reconsidering it, don’t you?”

“Of course, I do!” He rolled his eyes, annoyed. “But I’ve been having it my entire life. They can’t keep it up forever, eventually I’ll be out there by myself. I’d rather it be now, with my friends, in school.”

Sirius suddenly looked very focused on what he had to say, no longer finding it funny (finally).

“We, know, kid,” he said. “We know hiding you forever isn’t going to work, but you have to understand they’re only looking out for you. We all are.”

“I know that,” Harry said, beginning to feel impatient. “But you’re all always telling me about when you were at Hogwarts, and how much fun you lot had. I want that too, with the other kids my age.”

“Harry-,” Remus started.

“Uncle Moony, please. I need this. You know I need this.” He had given up his grown-up pretence by now, and had resorted to pleading like a little kid. He directed it to Moony because Moony would understand. Moony knew what it was like being the odd one out, and he had found friends at Hogwarts in spite of that. He had felt a little less odd, a little more like everyone else. Harry wanted that very much, too. And if someone would understand that, it would be Moony.

He watched as his uncles looked at each other for a moment, a silent conversation happening, somehow. They did that a lot, communicating without a single word being said, as if they just understood each other so well. Harry found it quite maddening sometimes, having to try to guess what was going on. His parents did that too.

Finally, they turned back to him.

“Alright,” Padfoot said, a smile growing on his face.

“Alright as in…?”

“Alright as in we’ll talk to your parents,” Remus said, mirroring Sirius’ smile.

“Really?” Harry felt a surge of happiness growing inside of him, and couldn’t help but jump to his feet.

“Really.” Uncle Sirius said, grinning now. Harry took a few quick steps towards them, and jumped, hooking one arm around each of his uncles.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” He said, as they hugged him back, fondly.

“Anything for you, Pronglet,” Padfoot said, a smile on his voice.

A few days later, Harry had been woken up to the news that he would, in fact, be going to Hogwarts. His mum’s worried look seemed to dissipate once she saw the smile on his face, and his dad winked at him.

Now, as Harry had his first glimpse of the Hogwarts Express, he knew it all had been worth it.

He quickly saw Ron a little ahead. His mum was fumbling around him and his brothers, and he looked utterly irritated by it. Harry waved, before turning back to his family. There would be plenty of time for him to catch up with his friends once they all got on the train.

“Are you sure you have everything you need, darling?” His mum was asking, as she ran her fingers through his hair, trying to make it behave, even though she ought to know by now that there was nothing that could be done about it.

“Yes, mum,” he replied promptly, trying to dodge her quick fingers.

“He’ll be fine, Lily,” his dad stepped in, and now he had his hand on Harry’s hair, only this one was messing it around, the way he did with his own. “He’s your son, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Well, considering his also your son and, even worse, Padfoot’s godson, I’d say I have plenty to worry about.”

“Oi!” Uncle Sirius cut in. “Don’t bring me into it.” Then, he turned to address Harry, “And you, don’t get yourself into too much trouble.”

Uncle Remus smirked next to him.

“What? I’m just trying to be the responsible one. I’m not even telling him about the secret passageways!” Padfoot said, feigning innocence.

“Secret passageways?” Harry asked, his curiosity finally peeking.

“Black,” his mum chastised, “stop talking.”

“Alright, alright,” Sirius held his hands in surrender. “Siriusly, though Harry,” he continued, probably finding himself the funniest bloke on earth, “be a good lad, and do what your mum would do, not your dad,” Sirius winked, right before dodging James’ hand on the back of his head.

“And write to us, please,” Lily asked, pulling him into yet another hug, which Harry tried to avoid with no success.

“And when your potions’ master starts being his awful self to you, you tell me immediately, and I’ll have a word with him myself.”

“Yes,” Remus and Sirius seconded James’ statement, quite solemnly.

“Boys!” Lily chastised.

“Why potions, though?” Harry asked. That was an oddly specific subject for him to worry about.

“Nothing,” Lily answered quickly. “Just-, keep us updated, will you?”

“Yes, mum,” Harry answered, going in for a real hug now. He felt as though he was already missing her. Wouldn’t admit it though.

“Love you, kid,” his dad said, stealing Harry for himself and holding him tightly.

“Love you too, dad.”

“Come here, tosser,” Padfoot pulled him now, and Harry obliged.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered in his ear. “I’ll be writing to you on those secret passageways.”

Harry chuckled, and, when they let go of each other, Moony was looking down on Uncle Sirius with a knowing (and very disapproving) look.

“What?” his godfather said, defensive. “Was just telling him to send Minnie my regards.

“Yeah, right you were,” Remus snorted. He, then, stepped towards Harry and bent down until they were eye to eye. Harry smiled to him.

“You alright, lad?”

Harry nodded, and Remus smiled.

“I have something for you,” his uncle said, and handed him a box of chocolate frogs, which Harry took happily. “You can write me anytime, you know that, right?”

“Yep!”

“Good, now come here,” he said, pulling him in for a long hug. “God, I’ll miss you, Harry.”

“I’ll miss you too, uncle Moony.”

Once he was finally released from the never-ending assault of hugs and goodbyes, Harry was finally allowed to step on the train. He quickly found Ron, sitting in a cabin by himself, and joined him.

The two boys quickly fell into easy conversation about what they were most looking forward to once they got to the castle. Soon after, the train began to take off, and Harry looked out the window to wave to his family one last time. His mum was crying, though she was smiling too, and his dad and Padfoot were waving franticly at him, big grins on their faces. Moony had an easy smile, and, in spite of the distance, Harry could have sworn he saw him winking at him, right before they all vanished from view.

He turned to Ron, who was now sorting through the sandwich his mum had made him with a gloomy look on his face, and said:

“Want a chocolate frog?”

Chapter Text

1993

Hogwarts was as beautiful and magical as ever. Remus hadn’t been sure if the castle would bring him the same sense of home it had all those years ago, but he quickly found that those feelings don’t vanish so easily. Obviously, it wasn’t the same without his friends around, and being a professor required him to at least pretend to be the responsible adult, but it was an entire new experience. He remembered his school days fondly; the study group he used to hold, and how everyone always seemed to like being taught by him. He had heard his own teachers saying he might have a classroom of his own one day, but he had never believed it, not really. Even now, he was acutely aware that his job was temporary and would probably not last more than a year, as was routine with the Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers. On top of that, he knew he would probably not even have been offered the position had the circumstances been ordinary. But of course, they weren’t. They never would be, where Harry Potter was concerned.

Ever since Harry made his debut at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, not one year had gone by smoothly.

First, it had been the Quirrell debacle. Having Lord Voldemort attached to the back of Harry’s teacher’s head had brought such fury into Lily Potter’s eyes, when she heard the news, that Remus was genuinely worried for anyone who crossed her sight. The fact that it had taken Harry and two classmates to figure it all out and solve the problem without any adult to control the situation had only infuriated her more (rightfully so), and she had immediately threatened to take Harry out of school.

Harry had first told Remus of the pain in his scar, inquiring whether he felt those too. Remus tried his best not to worry the kid, at the time, but his own scars didn’t hurt any more than the normal amount, when the weather got a little too cold, or his skin got a little too dry. Never to the extent Harry had described, not in the same brain crashing intensity. Regardless, Remus would’ve never even considered the possibility that it meant the Dark Lord himself was living under the same roof as the boy and dismissed any further worries over the subject. When news broke of what had happened at the school, Remus was furious with himself for not paying Harry’s complaints enough worry. After all, Harry had always trusted him enough to confide, and Remus felt as if he had let the boy down by not doing what was necessary, when the time came.

But back then, after the dust had settled, and all seemed to be in order once again, they all trusted Harry would be safe. Even James and Lily, after a fit of rage, and some very heavy words exchanged with Albus, agreed that, obviously, the lightning never strikes twice in the same place (pun intended) and, therefore, Harry Potter was likely to be well guarded within the walls of the school.

Only, it seemed that Harry’s presence amid the wizarding society had stirred some factors into action, almost as if the very concept of Lord Voldemort had been dormant until the boy first set foot in the school. It was odd and quite unsettling that, after years of tranquillity and peace, incidents had started occurring so frequently.

So, year two came around and, along with it, the rumours that the legendary monster of Slytherin had been let loose. Sirius was furious and, as with everything even remotely Slytherin related, felt as though it was his very own responsibility to take care of the problem. He was quite disturbed when he learned his godson was a parseltongue, and wanted the boy at home at once. James and Lily couldn’t agree more, and even Remus would never argue against that. But the events that followed took place far too quickly, and before they could even floo into the castle to fetch the kid, Harry had vanished into whatever pit the Chamber of Secrets was, along with the Weasley boy, whose sister had apparently been taken.

Once again, the kids miraculously emerged alive and (mostly) unharmed. The artifact – an old diary that had belonged to a young Voldemort – had been destroyed with a basilisk fang, retrieved from the creature killed by Harry himself. No one could believe it, and no one understood it. Any of it.

Harry Potter, twelve years old. He was clearly a very smart and gifted kid who, along with his equally gifted friends, had managed to stop Lord Voldemort coming back to life. Twice. No amounts of gifts and powers should guarantee a child such a high rate of success.

Those had been far too abnormal events happening to a far too abnormal child to be considered random, or to be dismissed twice in a roll. And while James and Lily considered, yet again, home-schooling Harry, Remus wasn’t all that sure that would do the trick. He had been the one assigned with researching prophecies during the war, after all.

Remus had never been a superstitious man, nor did he put faith in the idea that a prophecy could determine one’s entire fate. For someone who spent his life beating odds and making his own way into the world, Remus refused to believe that one’s entire existence could be designed by one odd-looking witch or wizard blurting out a random sentence, or reading bloody tea leaves. But even Remus’ skeptical eyes couldn’t help but see the pattern. There seemed to be some kind of pull between Harry and Voldemort related incidents. It didn’t require any oracle or seer to say that something wasn’t right.

The prophecy singing that a child born at the end of the seventh month would be the one with the power to defeat the Dark Lord had sounded like utter madness, twelve years ago. The Potters had abided by Dumbledore’s request that they should hide not because they believed in that nonsense, but because they knew Voldemort did, and that meant he wouldn’t allow Harry to live. But Voldemort, the darkest and most dangerous wizard who ever lived, fell while aiming his wand at a boy younger than two. And no one had ever been able to explain it. And good God, had they tried.

The first few years after the dust had settled, when they all felt alive and safe enough to think of something other than surviving till the next day, had been filled with researches and theories and madness. Madness, madness, madness. James scanned the Ministry files he had access to, up and down, trying to find a similar occurrence in history, a parallel line they could attempt to follow. Lily and Remus researched book after book, reading and skimming and then reading once more. And Sirius, well… Remus was quite sure the man had never put so much effort in studying any other subject in his life. And that was the same man who created a reading spell for Remus at eleven, found out he was a werewolf by twelve, and did the entire research on their anigami project when he was fourteen. Sirius Black knew research, and he knew it fine. But even he gave up eventually.

It was a question with no answers to be found, it seemed. Or maybe the puzzle pieces were just too scattered around the globe, in the hands of too many different people to ever be put together. In the light of safety that they had lived under for a decade, eventually, they all gave up looking. They were together, safe and sound, and not a twinge of sound had been heard about Voldemort ever gaining power again. So, they let it go before they allowed the questions to drown them and keep them from living the joyful life they had found as a family.

But, now…

Now the questions popped up in Remus’ brain, again, and he just couldn’t put them down. There had been too many coincidences to even call them that, and denying it was as stupid as believing in fate. Because, whether James, Lily, Sirius and Remus would like to admit it or not, it felt as if Harry was the only one standing between Voldemort and his power. Something had shifted, or something had been activated, maybe. Universe, energy, magic, destiny, prophecy; Remus didn’t know what to call it, or if calling it anything was even any use at all, but it was happening. Something was happening.  

Which brings them back to the discussions that filled Harry Potter’s summer between his second and third year, when his parents didn’t know what to do, and Harry knew what he wanted. But even the kid’s best arguments to why going back to Hogwarts was perfectly reasonable fell to the floor in late June, when the Daily Prophet made Remus lose his balance. He quite literally had had to sit down when he saw the capital letters in the first page.

ESCAPE FROM AZKABAN – PETTIGREW AT LARGE

Remus felt his blood run cold, which was quite in contrast with Sirius’, who Remus could feel heating up from where he was reading the paper, behind him.

That week had been, to put it roughly, a mess.

James had given the final word: Harry was staying home. Sirius was one hundred percent on board, and Remus didn’t even feel the slightest need to argue. Somehow, to those three men, Peter Pettigrew being at large was more nerve-wrecking and threatening than Lord Voldemort himself.

Harry was not happy. Obviously. And he did put up a fight.

He tried every argument in the book, and Remus was pretty sure he was in avid correspondence with his friends to get extra ideas from them (except maybe Hermione wasn’t so much on board with her friend, being the most sensible one out of the trio). But none of them held the slightest resemblance of a ground when presented to a stoic Lily Evans Potter and a very determined James Fleamont Potter. They would not bend.

It had all been settled; the four adults would organise a teaching plan and split Harry’s education between them. Harry was absolutely heartbroken and wouldn’t speak to his parents or his uncles for a week. 

What none of them had counted on, though, was Albus Dumbledore’s unbendable will to have Harry Potter under his wing.

The school year was not even three weeks away when Remus got the visit that changed the game. Dumbledore wanted him, Remus Lupin, as a professor.

As he listened to his old headmaster talk and offer him the job, it was already clear to Remus (and later to Sirius, James, and Lily, as he recounted the offer to them) that Dumbledore wasn’t going to back down, and none of them was stupid enough to get on the headmaster’s bad side. He still held too much power and influence, and it was much better to be within his circle with one eye open than to be cast out and completely in the dark. Besides, they all agreed that his plan might actually be the best option they would find to keep Harry both safe and happy at once.

Harry would get to go back to school and have an adolescence as close to normal as he could ever expect to have, Remus would be there to make sure he was safe – if anyone could sniff Pettigrew from a mile away, it’d be the werewolf uncle – and James and Lily would be far more at ease with one of their own under the same roof as their kid. On top of that, Remus was a good teacher, they all knew that, so at least the students would have a decent year of Defence in their curriculum.

Sirius, though, was the least happy of them all. While he did agree it was the best gamble they would get out of the situation, it took Remus a lot of sweet talk to get him to make peace with the idea of living apart for a year.

“You can come and visit,” Remus said, one late night when he was too agitated to sleep and Sirius was too grumpy to relax.

“Not enough.”

“C’mon, Padfoot. Help me out here. We can do Hogsmeade weekends together.”

“What are we, fifteen?”

“Not much more mature than that, it seems,” Remus smirked, and although he couldn’t see Sirius’ face because of how they were cuddling, he could bet his right hand he was holding back a smile.

“It’s just,” Sirius sighed. “I’ll miss you. Too much.”

“I’ll miss you too, darling.” Remus whispered, nudging his nose into the back of Sirius’ neck.

They were quiet for a moment, before a smirk made its way to Remus’ mouth, along with the thought in his mind. “You can sneak in through the passageways and spend some nights with me,” he whispered, full of mischief.

“And I repeat,” Sirius groaned, but this time Remus could actually hear the smile on his voice. “What are we, fifteen?”

“What if we are? Much better than these old hags we’ve become. Let’s be teenagers again. Marauders.”

“Just the two of us?”

“Eh, you can invite James if you like. For the moons, that is. I’m supposed to stay in my office and drink the potion, so I’ll probably be aware of who I am this time around. It’d be easy to sneak out, the three of us. For old time’s sake.”

“Ugh, don’t talk to me about the wolfsbane. Snape is preparing it and I don’t like it one bit.”

“I know you don’t. It’s not like I have a choice, though. Part of the deal.”

Sirius stayed quiet for a moment again, thinking. He pulled Remus’ arm tighter around himself.

“You heard Dumbledore. There’ll be dementors. How are we supposed to pass through them?

“Don’t reckon there’ll be dementors in the honeyduke’s tunnel. You can come through there.”

“And then what? Have a dog and a deer walking around the halls until you go to the shack?”

“We can take James’ cloak for that.”

“It’s not James’ anymore. Harry’s got it.”

“Oh my God, quit complicating it, already!” Remus said, exasperated. “When, in the history of time, would any of those things have stopped Sirius Black and James Potter from sneaking around that castle undetected?”

Sirius chuckled and turned to face him, so Remus could see the content smirk on his features. Sirius had been teasing. The bastard. The gorgeous, gorgeous bastard.

“Nice to see I can still wind you up when I feel like it.” Sirius grinned.

“You are a fucking nonsense, did you know that?” Remus answered, though he wasn’t making much of an effort to hide the amusement on his face.

“I’m your fucking nonsense.”

Remus punched him lightly in the shoulder.

“Yeah. Mine. And I am going to miss your annoying face.”

Sirius chuckled, and sunk himself deeper against Remus’ chest, resting his head there.

“Alight, then,” Sirius whispered, after a minute, pulling his head back to look at Remus.

“Alright, then, what?”

“Honeyduke’s tunnel it is. For the full and… well, other moons, if you’d like me to.”

“The full and the new, wanning and waxing, and every quarter of that bloody moon, if I have any say in the matter.”

Sirius grinned. That Sirius Black grin.

“Should I take prongs with me every time?” he smirked.

Remus laughed, before leaning in for a kiss.

It was a cold Saturday afternoon, and most kids were off to Hogsmeade, which meant the castle was uncharacteristically quiet. Sirius was helping James with some important issue at the Ministry – now that Remus was away for the year, Padfoot had been required to step in and help James out occasionally. That meant Remus had no dates with Sirius in Hogsmeade this month, and, therefore, took the opportunity to take a walk through the castle halls, enjoying the quiet to think and bask in his own company. He might go to the hospital wing and pay a visit to Madam Pomfrey, later, but for now, he was mostly just walking around, with no destiny, no certain path. Eventually, his wandering feet – probably guided by his subconscious and some muscle memory – found their way to the corridor of the one-eyed witch statue, the Honeyduke’s passageway. As he realised where he’d ended up, his lips turned into an easy smile; all the memories that stupid statue held for him.

He was walking past it, his mind floating down memory lane, when he felt something, though he wasn’t sure of what. A presence, despite the corridor being absolutely empty. He stopped, and looked around, trying to concentrate. There was another heartbeat, no doubt, and it was beginning to race. The scent was also familiar, and it only took Remus another second to pin it to its owner.

“Cloak off, Potter,” he spoke. A second later, Harry surfaced from under his invisibility cloak, a guilty look on his face, so much like his father’s.

“Hiya, Moony,” he smiled, trying to hide his guilt.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing up here, Harry?”

“Taking a walk, obviously,” he answered innocently.

“Taking a walk?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Yes.”

“In this particular corridor?”

“Was just passing by.”

“And what’s the cloak for?”

“I like the privacy,” Harry shrugged and, oh good God, he was Sirius Black’s godson, alright.

“You honestly believe I don’t know what you’re doing in this very specific corridor, next to this very specific statue, with your father’s invisibility cloak on?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Moony.”

“Christ, boy, d’you really think I’ve never done this exact same thing before?”

“I-,” Harry gaped.

“Harry, I discovered this passageway. My only question is how do you know of it? Did Padfoot tell you? Because, he did use to joke around about telling you, but I thought he knew better than that.”

“No! No, he didn’t tell me,” Harry replied, hurriedly.

“Your dad?”

“Nope.”

“Surely not Lily!”

“Does mum know about the passageways?” Now Harry was the one in shock.

“Passageways? You know about the other ones?”

“…No.”

Remus could’ve laughed at the boy’s nerve, had he not been genuinely irritated.

“Potter!”

“Alright, yes, I do.”

“How??!”

“What? You lot are the only ones clever enough to figure stuff like this out?”

“Harry…”

The boy went quiet, shutting his lips sealed. He wasn’t going to talk, but Remus had always been a good observer, and could see him holding one of his pockets with some extra care and strength.

“Pocket’s out,” Remus said.

“What? But, Moony-,”

“It’s Professor Lupin to you, Potter. Now, pockets out”

Harry sighed and, very begrudgingly, emptied out his pockets. Out of his right pocket, came what looked like a half-melted, very discussing, chocolate frog. And, out of his left one, a very ragged bit of parchment. It was folded, and apparently blank. Remus’ heart skipped a beat.

“Is this a fucking joke?” Remus asked, under his breath, to no one in particular.

Remus took the parchment and unfolded it. It was yellower around the edges than it had been fourteen or fifteen years ago, but Sirius’ paper conservative spells had mostly worked, for there were no tears, nor any other signs of true damage. It was beaten up by time, alright, but in perfect shape for mischief.

He extended it towards Harry.

“Go on then. I take it you know how to work it.”

Harry smiled, the annoyance from being caught a minute ago had vanished, quickly replaced by excitement. Remus felt it too, against his more responsible side. It was a weird fluttering warmth in the pit of his stomach, that made its way up to his chest as he saw Harry lift his wand and direct it at the artifact.

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” Harry said the words, and Remus placed the warm feeling immediately. It was pride.

As the map drew itself open, Remus traced the old lines with the tips of his fingers, as he used to do when the thing was nothing but a draft, when he was no older than Harry was right now. The opening lines caught his attention before anything else, naturally, and Remus’ heart ached.

It ached from looking at something that he had started making the moment he first set foot in Hogwarts, in his new life. Something that he’d thought lost, ages ago, that he’d made his peace with never seeing again. The Marauders Map stood before him just as magnificent and meaningful as it had all those years ago, when it had meant fun and freedom, the wits and magical abilities of four young boys who were too clever and talented for their own good. Nostalgia in the shape of a piece of paper.

That map was the only place where Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would live forever as an ensemble. Frozen in a time with no betrayal, no wars, no losses. Just blissful ignorance of the darker future. Just simple and joyful mischief. Remus couldn’t believe he had his hands on it once again.

“What the fuck-, where did you-, how?”

“Fred and George,” Harry muttered.

“Ugh, obviously.”

“Yeah, they told me they found it in Filch’s office years ago.”

That comment reminded Remus of how the map had ended up there, in the first place; with Peter being caught and allowing it to be confiscated during their farewell prank. It brought Remus out of nostalgia land and back to the present. Peter was at large.

“Sorry, I didn’t tell you I had it. Thought you’d want to take it away,” Harry said, eyeing Remus and trying to gather what his exact mood was right now.

“Well, obviously! Harry, this is dangerous! With Peter out there-,”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

“Oh, but you don’t act like you get it,” Remus almost snapped, and tried making a mental note to control his nerves, but Harry wasn’t exactly helping the matter.

“Come on-,” the boy rolled his eyes.

“Harry, Peter helped make this map, you know that. If he gets his hands on it, it’s a map straight up to you!”

The boy sighed, looking down at the parchment on his hands. He wasn’t stupid, Remus knew that. But he was a teenager, and teenagers tend to do stupid things. Remus knew that, too.

“Look, I-, I just wanted to go to Hogsmeade, alright?” He handed Remus the map, his spirits so clearly falling through the floor.

“I know, mate,” Remus smiled sadly, reaching out and touching his shoulder. He examined the boy’s face for a while.

It wasn’t fair that he was being punished yet again for something he didn’t even do. Harry had been kept from so much of his childhood and now early adolescence, and although it had all been for his own safety, and none of it of cruel intent, it still took a tool on the boy. He had been faced with more dangers than most adults five times his age. There was an unspoken weight on his shoulders, and no matter how much of it James and Lily, and even Remus and Sirius, had fought to take away, he was still the boy-who-lived, and the older he got, the clearer it became that it wasn’t a title he was going to leave in the past. No, it was his future.

Because, no, Remus had never been one to believe in prophecies, but ever since that scar was placed on Harry’s forehead, and the Dark Lord vanished into the night with no apparent explanation, something had changed. Not only did it look like trouble was always finding Harry, but it was always trouble somewhat related to the man who gave him that scar. To call it prophecy felt like giving up, like they were just admitting there wasn’t any other possible end to his story, so they chose not to do that. But to call it chance, or just an unlucky event, was daft; a very naïve thing to say for a family who had seen a near miracle happen first hand.

Harry was barely thirteen, and he had been given a burden to bear before he could even speak for himself. Now, he had to survive the consequences of it. In spite of it all, he never complained. Remus knew what that felt like. Being young and having no control over major aspects of your life; wanting to be a normal teenager but having absolutely nothing be normal about you. Remus also knew that not complaining didn’t mean you weren’t in pain.

Remus hadn’t had many adults he could trust, back in his day. He had, eventually, found people who genuinely cared for him; the Potters, and even Madam Pomfrey, and McGonagall. But those were little blessings amidst a life of neglect, of being left to fend for himself more often than he’d ever had someone to look out for him. Harry was much luckier on that end, James and Lily had made sure of that. Sirius had made sure of that. And Remus had made sure of that.

He was loved and protected, so much so that he had the privilege of being annoyed by it. Of taking it for granted. Good, Remus thought, it doesn’t do anyone any good to grow up alone. Harry gets to have love and protection to spare, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

All Harry wanted in this sunny Saturday afternoon was to walk down to the village with his friends and enjoy his day. It was not too much to ask, but somewhere along the way in the arrangements for the year, someone had stipulated that Harry was not to leave the castle. Remus hated seeing the kid so miserable because of a stupid rule.

“Come on,” he said, putting his arm around the kid’s shoulder.

“Where?” Harry looked at him, confused.

“Hogsmeade.”

“But, Moony, you just said I can’t.”

“Not by yourself, obviously. And not without permission of a guardian.”

“Exactly.”

“And I really fancy a walk down the village with my favourite godson.”

It wasn’t often that Remus referred to Harry as his godson. He was Sirius’, after all. But once Harry had introduced both Sirius and Remus as his godfathers, when talking to a friend, and it just felt right. Sirius had just nodded and smiled at the flushed look on Remus’ face.

Harry opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. He was struggling between liking and disliking the idea, that much was clear. But Remus knew him, and he had been a young once, too. He cut Harry off before he could even start.

“Don’t worry, I’ll just take the cloak and stay around so I know you’re safe. The other kids don’t need to know you have a bodyguard hanging around.”

Harry’ face broke into a gigantic grin, quite satisfied with the deal. That smile, right there, was all Remus needed to see.

He handed Remus the cloak.

“I owe you a chocolate frog for this one, Uncle Moony.”

“Godric, I’ve missed this!” James said, taking a long breath of fresh air as they made their way across the grounds.

“Oh, I’ve missed it too!” Lily said, smiling up at her husband. “All of us together on these grounds again; brings good memories.”

James blinked, and his smile faltered for a second while Lily looked at him.

Sirius barked out a laugh, and Lily looked at him, confused.

“What?” She asked.

“I think Prongs meant he missed Quidditch, Lily. Not us.” Remus clarified.

She turned back to James and jokingly pushed him sideways.

“Bloody jock.”

“Oi! Of course, I’ve missed our teenage years and all the fun and mischief we got up to,” James protested.

“It’s alright, Potter. We all know what you mean.”

They walked companionly down towards the quidditch pitch. The stands were already filling up with students, and both the Gryffindor and the Ravenclaw team were already in the dressing rooms, getting ready.

Suddenly, Lily started rubbing her arms.

“It’s oddly cold, don’t you think?”

The men all looked at each other. It wasn’t cold, not in the slightest, but they all knew what Lily was on about.

“Lil, listen to me,” Sirius approached her, putting one arm around her shoulder, and squeezing. “They’ll stay far away from the pitch, Dumbledore assured us of that.”

“Those nasty creatures,” she muttered. “What if they don’t?”

“If they don’t,” Remus put in, “then believe me when I say Harry will be perfectly able to deal with them.”

They all looked at him, confused.

“Just trust me. You will not be disappointed.” he reiterated.

And Harry, in fact, did not disappoint.

By the time the game was over, James and Sirius were rolling around with pride for Harry’s performance in the quidditch pitch, and Lily was relieved by the success of it all. But Remus was the proudest of them all.

Although the danger hadn’t been real – no more than the Malfoy boy playing a stupid prank on his nemesis (“How am I related to that prick?”, Sirius had groaned) – Harry’s reaction and following performance had been quite authentic. And while his Patronus wasn’t yet of a very distinguishable shape, Remus was pretty sure he saw something similar to a pair of antlers running in Draco’s direction.

They all went down to the pitch to congratulate him and the rest of Gryffindor, and were received with the widest grin Remus had ever seen on the boy’s face.

Harry detached himself from the little crowd of friends celebrating with the cup and ran up to his family.

“Dad! Dad! Did you see? Oh Godric, I can’t believe it. We bloody won!”

James captured Harry in the most loving embrace as soon as the boy was within arm’s reach, telling him how proud he was, over and over again. He was beyond himself, they both were. No matter how many games of Harry’s James had attended over the years, the bright light on his face every time he saw his sun up on the pitch… well, let’s just say that the fire of the sun would be no match for it.

Harry’s face was flushed with excitement and pure joy, he couldn’t stop smiling from ear to ear, and his messy hair and messy energy had never made him look more like his father.

James and Sirius started babbling up to Harry about the match, bringing up important details and praises, but Harry’s eyes quickly darted to Remus.

“Moony, did you see?” He asked, still smiling, but now in a softer way.

James and Sirius stopped talking and looked at Remus.

“Yeah, kid. You were bloody brilliant!”

Harry leaped forward and hugged him tight, and Remus hugged him back. His chest bursting in fireworks of pride. That was a word in which he saw himself thinking with increasing frequency over the years; pride. And while Remus had been a prideful tosser since forever, in all the wrong ways, the word had gained a new meaning with Harry in his life. It was softer and kinder, and it was fuelled by love. Unconditional love.

When they broke apart, the rest of the adults were staring back at them, curious looks on their faces.

“It was a Patronus, wasn’t it? That spell you threw at Malfoy?” Sirius asked.

Harry nodded, a smirk coming to his face.

“You taught him that, didn’t you?” Sirius had turned to Remus, who nodded. “Bloody Professor Moony.”

“That’s really advanced magic, sweetheart,” Lily mused, touching Harry’s shoulder. “Really powerful stuff, too.”

Harry shrugged. “Moony’s a good teacher.”

They all laughed heartedly. Remus blushed.

“Right you are, Pronglet,” Sirius threw an arm around his godson, and they started climbing up the hill, back to the castle; Sirius and Harry walking just a few steps ahead of James, Lily, and Remus.

“Harold, have I ever told you about the time Remus commentated on a Quidditch match?”

“No, you have not,” Harry looked at Sirius in disbelief, a look that was quickly transferred to Remus. “You did not!”

James and Lily were already doubling up in laughter beside him.

“Unfortunately, I have to say that I did,” he relented.

“Oh Merlin, Moony, that must’ve been the funniest thing ever. You don’t know shit about Quidditch.”

“Language!” Lily piped in, though Harry didn’t pay her any mind.

“Worst day of my life.” Remus groaned.

“Best day of mine,” Sirius smirked, to what Remus flipped him a finger.

“You ought to tell me all about it,” Harry turned back to Sirius, who happily obliged.

“Well, little Potter, it was the final for the cup of ‘78; Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Your uncle Remus, back there, had got himself into one final double trouble before our times at Hogwarts were over…”

Remus had started slowing his pace by now. If climbing that hill had been a bitch when he was 17, being 34 didn’t really improve matters much. Lily had joined Harry and Sirius up the track, eager to relieve the story of Remus’ Quidditch misery, but James stayed back to keep him company.

“He’s amazing, isn’t he?” James asked, looking at his son.

“He’s the best,” Remus replied promptly.

“After the last dementor situation… it doesn’t seem like he’s going to get any normal years here, anyway. The question of taking him home surfaced again.”

“Ugh, again?”

“Again.”

“James, this is starting to be ridiculous. We go through this every year. It’ll be only another month or so of you pretending you’re taking him out of school while you and I both know you don’t have the heart to do it. You are not going to go through with it, again, and you know it.”

“I don’t know it. Maybe I will.”

Remus sighed, but played along with it.

“So, are you telling me this, or asking for my opinion?”

“Asking you, obviously. You’ve been with him here all year long. What do you think?”

Remus stopped, both to catch his breath and give his bones a break, and to look at James while he spoke.

“I think taking him home isn’t going to change anything. I think trouble will find him wherever he goes and, whether he’s at Hogwarts or at home, weird things, dangerous things, will happen to him.”

“So, you believe in the prophecy, then?” James asked, a frown forming on his forehead.

“Oh, you know well enough I don’t buy into that,” Remus dismissed him, quickly. “But other people do. He does.”

“Voldemort?”

“Yes. And besides… c’mon Prongs, you’re a clever man. All that’s happened over the last few years, it can’t be just mere coincidence. Now, I don’t like that prophecy shit any more than the next sensible man, but pretending it has had no effect on Harry’s life is bollocks.”

They went quiet for a moment, with James pushing his glasses up his nose.

“So, you asked for my insight, here it is: Harry is happy here. He’s got his friends, Quidditch, Gryffindor, all of it. Hell, you just saw how happy he was. And he’s bloody Harry Potter, for fuck’s sake. He’s going to be in danger wherever he goes, and he’s too much like you and Lily to run away from it. So, I s’pose, the best you can do is let him be happy in the meantime.”

James looked away from Remus for a moment.

“D’you really reckon he’s so much like me? I dunno, I just always thought he was Lily through and through.”

“He’s both of you, perfectly combined.” Remus smiled at his best friend, reassuringly. “Here, let me show you something.”.

He reached into his robes and felt for the big square of parchment. Pulling it out, he saw James’ expression twist into complete disbelief.

“That-,” he looked between the parchment and Remus. “Surely, that can’t be.”

Remus was just pulling out his wand when Sirius ran back to them. He had left Lily and Harry chatting ahead to come back and see what the delay was all about. Nosey sod.

“Hey, what are you two-,” he stopped talking when he saw what Remus had in his hand.

“Bloody hell, that’s not-,”

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” Remus said, tapping the parchment with his wand.

The three men stood in silence as the blank gave space to ink, the all too familiar lines being drawn before them as Hogwarts expanded around it.

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

the Marauders Map.

James took the map from Remus’ hand, still speechless, and opened it up. After a moment’s look, his finger brushed the precise spot on the map where the three of them stood. James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin marked in black dots on the yellowish background of the paper; the marauders, returned to Hogwarts and reunited with their biggest creation. Almost all of them.

It was something that had always lingered in the air between them, the lack of Peter. No matter how much healing they all did, how at peace with their lives they had become, Peter’s betrayal would never cease to cast a shadow over their memories, the fond moments of their youth always marked with a fourth piece that would never be back in the puzzle. This year, especially with Pettigrew escaping Azkaban, there was this unspoken tension in the air.

They had, very early on, agreed that they wouldn’t go looking for the man, and any mention of him ever since had been in the topic of Harry’s safety. But now, they held a memory in their hands, proof that the marauders had once been four, and not three. That Wormtail had been there, to laugh with them, and grow up with them. To be their friend. And to betray them, in the end.

Sirius took the map from James’ hand and folded it again, looking at the words of opening. Remus couldn’t see it from where he was standing, but he was certain Sirius’ eyes were glued to the first name on the list.

“How did you find it?” James asked, clearing his throat.

“Oh, a student had it. You know, the classic. Bespectacled boy under an invisibility cloak, standing next to a certain one-eyed-chocolate-smelly witch statue.”

“Harry? On the passageway to Honeydukes?” Sirius looked up, the mournful look on his face quickly turning amused again.

“Yep.”

“But how?”

“Apparently, the Weasley twins found it on Filch’s office once and, don’t ask me how, worked out how to use it. They gave it to Harry, who was kind enough to keep our identities private. I swear I do not need teenagers bugging me about prank ideas at this point in my life.”

Sirius and James chuckled.

“So, Prongs,” he continued, looking at James now, “if that little delinquent trying to sneak out of school to visit Hogsmeade when there’s a murderer potentially going for his head is not your son, then I don’t know what to tell you.”

James smiled, love and pride, so much pride, washing over his face.

“What about this?” Sirius piped in, raising the map in his hands. “Professor Lupin confiscated it, but is Uncle Moony going to give it back?”

“I think that’s James’ call,” Remus said, turning to James again.

“Well, I-, I suppose the mischief makers who drawn up that map would be glad to know it had passed on to the hands of a future generation of their own,” he smiled, taking up the map as studying it. “I just worry he might do something stupid and… well what if Peter gets his hands on it.”

“That was my first thought too, which is why I confiscated it in the first place. But-, well let’s set a couple things straight, shall we? First, if Peter were to get his hands on a map Harry possessed, it would mean he already had Harry at arm’s reach anyway. Second, I don’t think taking his resources away would prevent Harry from breaking any rules, since, as we’ve just established, he’s your son, Potter. But he’s also Lily’s, which means he’s smarter than you ever were, so, I think that should be of some comfort.”

“Moony’s right,” said Sirius. “And, besides, Harry knowing how to work the map would only be useful, since he’d be able to keep a better eye on his surroundings.”

“Very well, then,” James nodded. He, then, pulled himself to his full height, and the glimpse of a sparkle shone across his eyes. “Marauders, all in favour of passing on our pride and joy, greatest of creations, mischief making masterpiece, to a newer generation to carry on with our misdeeds, say I.”

“I,” Sirius said, taking his wand out and putting it over the map.

“I,” James said, with a final nod, taking out his wand too.

“I,” Remus said, very solemn, adding his own wand to the scene.

They looked at each other for a moment, holding their breaths for a beat before chanting in unison.

“Mischief managed.”

Chapter Text

“Where the fuck is Albus?” Sirius nearly ran down the doors to the infirmary on his way in.

“Sirius, calm down,” Remus came running after him.

“Don’t!” Sirius swirled on him, holding his hand up. He wasn’t in the mood for Remus to tell him to calm down. There was nothing for him to be calm about. There was plenty for him to be fuming about, on the other hand.

Remus recoiled, though only slightly, still giving him a hard look.

Satisfied, Sirius turned around again, studying the room and the people around him.

Molly Weasley was standing beside a hospital bed, looking down in complete despair as her son laid there, unconscious. Sirius was standing too far away to see it clearly, but it looked like Bill had an enormous scar running across his face. He was pretty sure he’d heard someone say that the boy had been attacked by Greyback.

Ron was next to his mother, holding her hand. Bill’s girlfriend, the Delacour girl, stood by his side, weeping silently, as Tonks tried soothing her, tugging her hair behind her ear.

The next bed had Neville Longbottom resting on it. He was just as out to the world as Bill, though there were no visible scars. On two chairs, next to his bed, Hermione and the Lovegood girl were sitting side by side, with one’s dark curls contrasting against the other one’s straight, pale blond hair, as the two heads rested against one another. Sirius felt his stomach flip, and, for a split second, it was Mary and Marlene sitting in front of him, and it was twenty years ago, with another war raging on their ears, another group of teenage kids fighting battles that weren’t theirs to fight.

The doors opened again, and Sirius turned around to see as his godson made his way into the room. Ginny Weasley had her arm around his shoulders, keeping him steady, and, as James and Lily followed in shortly after them, the image was nearly comical. Sirius couldn’t believe how fucking funny the universe thought it was being; it was like his vision was doubled, and he could see two dimensions at once. Two generations of the same story.

Two wars, but the two were one and the same. Sirius felt rage building up inside of him, taking control of his lungs, of the beating of his heart. Those kids fighting; he had been one of those kids, and he had promised himself he would never allow that to happen again. But he had failed, they all had. And, once again, Albus Dumbledore managed to convince sixteen-year-olds that the fate of the world depended on them. Dumbledore.

Dumbledore who had manipulated and lied and fucked them up more times than Sirius could ever bring himself to count. They had played it his way for too long, let him take the lead of a war that the old man clearly saw as nothing but a game where people’s lives were disposable if it seemed to him that someone’s death might even the scores in some other end. He had done it before, and he was doing it again. Sirius had been stupid enough to believe they could hold their end of the stick, not let Dumbledore give all the cards again. But it had been a childish assumption to think they could control anything, hold back in anyway. No, it was Albus Dumbledore’s playground, and they were nothing but toys he picked up when necessary and threw away when they were too damaged to be any fun. Sirius had had enough. Tonight, Albus had taken Harry hell knows where to do his bidding, and the school had been attacked when they were away. If it hadn’t been for Harry’s warning (the boy had been suspicious something was going to happen) none of the Order members would have made it in time to be any help at all.

That had been the last drop; Sirius wouldn’t have any of it anymore. No more playing nice, no more letting his old headmaster pull all the strings, having them dance around like his little puppets. He might be still necessary to stop Voldemort, but Sirius wasn’t going to let him dictate the rules anymore.

“Where,” he repeated to the room, very slowly, “the fuck. is Albus?”

“Dead,” came James’ voice from where he was standing now, next to his son.

Sirius blinked a couple of times, and looked at his friend, waiting for the punchline to come. It never did.

“What?” He asked again.

“Dumbledore is dead,” Harry answered this time, looking at Sirius.

The entire room stilled. The weeping stopped, and the air grew thinner. For a moment, it was really difficult to breathe. And Sirius was still waiting for the punchline to come.

“No-,” came Remus’ gasp beside him, utter disbelief in his voice. Sirius looked at him and instinctively put an arm around his lower back to steady him. That’s when reality sunk in.

Because Remus, above all people, knew how much Dumbledore was to blame for all that was happening, knew how he had tried manipulating Harry for years, and how he had been willing to sacrifice whatever and whomever it might be necessary for his own agenda, his precious greater good. And even Remus – who had never trusted Dumbledore, never even liked Dumbledore, not even as a little kid – sounded as if he had never heard such obscenity, such atrocity as the idea of Dumbledore being gone; even Remus felt in his very bones what it meant for the old man to be dead, what it represented. They all felt it. They all knew it.

Sirius wasn’t quite sure what his own feelings were. He wasn’t any less angry at the professor now than he had been three minutes earlier; not even death would excuse Dumbledore from his guilt, his responsibility. Not as far as Sirius Black was concerned, anyways. But even all his hatred didn’t make him feel any less like the ground beneath his feet had been pulled away, as if the very room he was standing on was made of glass, ready to shatter. Dumbledore, even in all his faults and all his crimes and all his deceiving and all his mistakes, was still, well… Dumbledore. The death of the only wizard Voldemort was said to have ever feared was no loss to be taken lightly. It was a powerful move on the chess board; the game had changed, and the balance had shifted. And if it had ever been in their favour, it wasn’t anymore.

“How?” Remus asked.

“Snape killed him,” Harry replied.

No one made a sound for a very long moment again. That seemed to be the pattern today; every sentence proffered sounding like too much of a lie to be believed in a heartbeat. Every little piece of information being unleashed required a moment for it to be understood. They all stared at the boy, faces in shock and disbelief.

“Harry, that can’t-,” Lily started, but the boy didn’t even let her finish.

“I was there, mum! I saw it happen. Draco was there too, and Bellatrix.”

Sirius flinched at the name and felt Remus squeezing him. Lily stepped back, losing her balance, and James took her hand.

“It was all planned,” Harry continued to the room when no one else spoke. “It was meant to be Draco who did it, but he wouldn’t have, I know he wouldn’t. Despite the discussing prick he’s always been, to do that-, he doesn’t have it in him, not really. He hesitated for too long, then Snape stepped in and-,” he shook his head, then buried his face in his hands.

Someone had started crying again, but it was more contained, and it came from a different corner of the room. Sirius felt Remus letting go of him and walking in the direction of the quiet sobs, which, he then found out, belonged to Madam Pomfrey. Remus, who towered almost comically over the medi-witch, bent down and enveloped her in a tight hug, letting the woman hide her face inside of his embrace.

Slowly, the weight of the news started to fall upon the people in the hospital wing, and deadly silence gave way to incredulous voices and weeping, hopeless mourns.

Lily finally let go of James and walked towards Harry, kneeling down before her son and talking in a low voice while she ran her hands through his hair. Sirius could swear he saw her rubbing a thumb over the boy’s scar once, as if it would make it disappear. He’d seen her do it more often as the years went by and it started becoming clearer that another war was lingering just around the corner.

Sirius turned to James, who had been watching his wife and son helplessly, a hallow look on his eyes.

“Prongs?”

“Yeah?”

“Another war is here, isn’t it?”

James looked at him. He was tired, already.

“It’s been here for a while, Padfoot. It has been here from the moment Peter got out.”

Sirius nodded. It all always seemed to be coming back round to Peter Pettigrew. How could such an insignificant man have such a significant impact? But maybe calling him insignificant was never right, after all. Sirius should’ve learned that lesson by now.

“I know. But what I mean is: it was a game, until now. It was-, chess pieces being moved around. Now-,”

“I know,” James said. He put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “I know.”

Madam Pomfrey had recomposed herself, and was now tending to Bill, as Remus joined the other two marauders in their contemplation of the night’s events.

“Harry warned us,” he said. “He’d told us Draco was up to something and Snape was helping him. And we dismissed it. Told him if Dumbledore trusted Snape, we should too.”

Not Sirius nor James said anything.

“We,” Remus turned, moving to stand facing the other two. “We, of all people, chose to trust both Dumbledore and Snape in one single breath. Why?” It was genuine question, heavy with guilt.

“We never said we trusted Dumbledore,” Sirius said. “We trusted he was fighting against Voldemort, there was never a doubt about that. And we trusted his judgement. Because he’d always been a very good judge of character, even if his own was of very questionable morals. So, when he said Snape was working for him, it was an easy story to buy.”

Remus sighed, looking sideways to where the Weasleys were circling Bill. There was worry and fear in their features, and they looked at the boy as though they were afraid he would wake up and the first thing to come out of his mouth would be a howl. Ron’s eyes left his brother’s face and found Remus’. There was a question there, one the boy didn’t look like he had the stomach to ask.

“He’s going to be alright,” Remus said, and four heads looked up at him at once, eager for more.

“It’s not a full moon, so he can’t be turned. He’ll probably still have the scar, though, and there might be some minor side effects. Nothing worth worrying about.”

Molly’s chest deflated, relaxing slightly, and she nodded.

“Thank you.”

Remus nodded back.

Lily got up from where she was with Harry and approached Molly, talking low.

“I have something that might help the scarring. It’s something I’ve been working on, a hybrid ointment of different wizarding herbs and muggle medicine. It’s not yet developed enough to be put in the market, but Remus has been trying it on some of his scars, and it looks like it helps them fade a little bit further.”

Molly smiled, tears gleaming in her eyes again, as Lily took her inside her arms.

Sirius studied the room, doing his best not to see how it all resembled last time. He wasn’t sure if it was denial or just fear that kept him from seeing the big picture before, but this was the first time he fully understood what was happening. And what was going to happen next.

When Peter didn’t make an appearance after escaping from Azkaban, he had thought that maybe the man was just running. Found a chance to escape and took it; had gone to the other side of the earth to save his own skin, like he always did. Harry’s third year in Hogwarts had ended with nothing but one dementor incident on the quidditch pitch; no Azkaban prisoners coming to get him. They’d thought they were safe, and everything would go back to the blissful peace they had known before Harry stepped foot in the Hogwarts Express for the first time.

They had been wrong, obviously.

The following year someone had had the shithead idea to bring the Triwizard Tournament back to life, and, somehow, Harry’s name came flying out of that fucking goblet and Dumbledore and the Ministry came up with ten thousand excuses why there wasn’t any way out of it. There’s a reason, Dumbledore had stated; these are the rules, Barty Crouch had argued; there’s a curse, Cornelius had said. And of course, the mere notion of yet another curse on that kid’s record had been good enough. Lily had begged her son to just give up on every single task, but, naturally, Harry James Potter would never have done that. And after the first two tasks, in which Harry had not only succeeded at surviving but also thrived, they thought maybe everything would be alright.

But then, the fucking cup was a port-key and Harry was dragged out to a cemetery, and Peter was there. The thought of him touching Harry, cutting through his skin, or even breathing the same oxygen as him made Sirius sick. Voldemort regained his body and, for some miracle (yet another one) Harry survived. Harry survived, but Cedric Digory did not.

That had been the first major death.

The Order of the Phoenix was, then, brought back to life. Reborn from ashes, making justice to its name. They needed to centralise this time, Albus had said, have a place to be, to call headquarters. And that is how Sirius found himself stepping foot, once again, on the one place he had sworn he would never cross the threshold of, again.

A haunted house in its best days, Grimmauld Place number 12, was as horrific as ever. Sirius dreaded every minute he had to spend in there and did all he could to never do it without either Remus or James by his side. The house elves’ heads on the walls stared down at him the same way they had when he was a little boy. There were curses everywhere, and the constant feeling that something would attack you if you opened the wrong door. And, of course, Sirius should’ve known Walpurga Black would’ve never left him all their family fortune without a departing gift. The first time he walked in the house and heard her voice after so many years of trying to forget it, made him feel 12 years old again. Her human sized portrait was more of an inconvenience than anything else, really, but it made Sirius’ skin crawl.

In short, the house was a living nightmare, but it did the trick. The protective spells the Blacks had put on the mansion were more efficient than anything Moody could’ve come up with. Plus, the unlikability that anyone would consider the Order of the Phoenix to be reuniting under the roof of one of the noblest, most pure-blooded and bigoted wizarding families to ever exist, was an even better disguise for the place.

Or so they’d thought.

They (well, Sirius, if we’re being honest) hadn’t accounted for Kreacher passing information to the other side. On him still despising Sirius just as much as Sirius despised him. Lily had warned him time and time again about being nicer to the elf, all the while being backed by a very passionate Mss. Granger. Sirius could admit – even if only to himself – that they were both right, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Kreacher was his mother’s right hand, and Sirius could never dismantle the two of them in his mind. In his memories. He should have tried harder, though, because if Cedric Digory had been the first major death, Sirius Black had come dangerously close to being the second. He would’ve been, had James not been there to save his arse, blocking whatever his vicious cousin was sending his way.

Harry knew Voldemort could mess with his head. He knew plenty about the prophecy, too, and how only either him or the Dark Lord could retrieve it. Lily and James knew their son, they knew he would not step down just because he didn’t have the information that he required to do something. Keeping Harry in the known meant that at least he wouldn’t be tempted to do stupid things just for the sake of finding out what was going on. It meant that, at least, his little acts of rebellious bravery would be chosen based on real facts. But he was still fifteen, and he loved his family, and, naturally, he had that fucking saviour complex. They hadn’t accounted on Voldemort placing fake images inside the kid’s brain, so no one had prepared for how Harry should react when he saw Sirius at the end of Voldemort’s wand, inside his head.

He had struggled to get in contact with his parents and his uncles, after just having the “vision” of Sirius being tortured. Later. they found that had been, partially, the elf’s doing, (on behalf of Bellatrix) distracting Sirius and Remus, so they wouldn’t be easy to contact, and sending James and Lily on a dead-end mission, so they’d be away at the time Harry tried his house. Umbridge was in control of the school and Dumbledore was nowhere to be found. Harry, being his bloody hero self, had gathered his friends and flown to London as soon as he managed to escape Dolores’ grip. It had been Snape, of all people, who had warned the rest of the Order of what the kids were up to. Sirius nearly punched him the second he said the words, both in frustration because Harry was putting himself in danger on his account, and in rage because Snape did nothing to stop it.

They got lucky. At the end of the day, the prophecy had been destroyed before Voldemort got his hands on it, Lucious Malfoy was sent off to Azkaban – even if it didn’t last –, Cornelius Fudge finally acknowledged that the Dark Lord was back, and no one was killed. Despite the mess, no one had found it in themselves to be angry with the boy. Sirius least of all.

He had hugged him, very, very tightly. That incredible boy who he loved so much and who had just been willing to face Voldemort himself to protect his godfather. That had been the day, the moment, Sirius realised there was no stopping Harry Potter from defending the people he loved, or fighting for what he believed in. With a heavy heart, Sirius could’ve sworn he had seen the future flashing before his eyes; a future where the godson he had sworn to protect would be face to face with the man he had been prophesised to defeat.

Messy and complicated didn’t even begin to describe life around the boy who lived, and, by each passing year, Sirius grew more certain that they could lock him in his room forever with bodyguards outside every door and window, and danger would still find its way in, eventually. They did their best, but nothing seemed to be enough. Harry was his righteous self, and he wouldn’t run from the fight if he heard it calling his name.

Now it all felt more real than ever, with danger being almost tangible. Dumbledore dying felt like a war declaration more than a personal loss. It was here, and there was no stopping it now, no turning back. And there was, most definitely, no keeping Harry out of it.

The hospital wing had become very quiet, with people crying silently and trying to come to terms with the new reality. The new future shining before them in shades of red (or maybe green). Somewhere in the distance, a phoenix began to sing.

They climbed the stairs as they had done so many times before, in their youth. Sirius and Remus walked ahead, and James and Lily followed right behind, all in absolute silence, every single one of them lost in their own minds, their own imagination. Harry had said there was something he needed to tell them, and he wanted a quiet place, away from eavesdropping portraits and secret passageways someone could be hiding in.

Ever since Dumbledore had died, no one came close to the Astronomy Tower. It was all still too fresh, too recent. The funeral had been that morning, hence why they were all still at the school, and Harry had been avoiding both his parents and godparents like the plague ever since the headmaster’s death.

Now, he appeared to be ready to talk, and to tell. Sirius only hoped he wouldn’t try leaving anything unsaid; he hoped Harry trusted the adults around him enough to be open with them. That thought made him steal a quick glance at Remus, to whom adults, in his teenage years, had been nothing but a nonsense, a bunch of old people who had never cared enough to do anything right, never did anything to protect their own kids. Sirius himself had had a portion of that, growing up as he did. They hadn’t been much older than Harry, themselves, when they first pledged to fight a war that had been raging way before they could even hold a wand up straight.

As they approached the top, familiar voices started trailing down the staircase to them, and Sirius smiled to himself. Of course, they would be with him. They’re always with him.

“… playing the hero, Harry,” Hermione’s voice was the first to reach Sirius’ ears.

“I’d be playing the hero if I were making all of this up. You know I’m not! This is how it ought to be, Hermione. It’s me, Voldemort made sure of that when I was no more than a baby.”

“I know that, and I’m not saying you’re not the one who should do it. All I’m saying is you are not doing it alone.”

“She’s right,” Ron piped in. “What, do you s’pose me and Hermione will just come back to school and stress over N.E.W.T.S while you’re out to Merlin knows where, by yourself? Not bloody likely, mate.”

“I-, I just-,”

“Harry, stop being such an idiot,” Hermione nearly squeaked. “The one horcrux you thought you had found, isn’t even the real thing. It’s a fake, and you don’t even know who took it! You spent your life saying you only managed all that you did because you’ve always had help, how is this any different? This is us, telling you, not asking you. We’re telling you. We will help you.”

Harry sighed.

Horcruxes, Sirius had heard that word before, somewhere. He wasn’t sure why, though, but it didn’t sound good. He had a very strong gut feeling on it.

“We will do this together,” the girl continued. “We’ll figure it all out together. The three of us. Besides, what do you reckon will happen when you tell your mum and dad about all of this? Do you think they’ll just let you ride off into the sunset on your white horse and not say a word about it?”

“Not bloody likely, mate,” James said out loud, mimicking Ron (though Sirius wasn’t sure if it had been on purpose or not) and letting his voice travel up the last of the stairs before the group even reached the trio on top.

Sirius heard Harry groan, as he stepped onto the landing and gave his godson a lopsided smile, mocking him.

“And what are you kids plotting all the way up here?” He asked. “You know, in our day, this tower was used for much less honourable meetings, was it not Moony?”

Remus smacked him on the back of the head for it, but Sirius only laughed.

“Okay, we’re here,” Lily said, looking between the kids. “What did you want to tell us?”

Harry faltered for a moment, biting his lower lip.

“Oi, Potter,” Remus said, snapping his fingers up in the air. “You’ve been running away from us for a few days now, and you were the one who asked us to meet here. So, get on with it.”

“How much did you hear?” He asked, warily.

“Plenty,” James replied. “But we want the whole story. And we want it from you.”

“Should’ve used the bloody map to keep an eye on them,” Ron muttered.

“Oi!” Sirius protested. “Using our own tricks against us? That’s low, Weasley. Now, Harold, go on then. We want to know what’s going on.”

Harry sighed one less time. Merlin, did that boy had sighs in him.

He told them what Dumbledore had him doing all year, the extra classes and all he had been teaching him about Voldemort, about his past. He walked them through the memories, and how it all fit into place; Riddle’s family history, his early desire for immortality, and, finally, his horcruxes.

The last one was to Sirius no surprise. As Harry went on explaining, his memory trailed back to books of the darkest arts in his father’s library, how he and his brother would sneak in and read them as if they were horror stories. Horcruxes had been there, among the darkest. He remembered it now.

Harry spoke for a very long time, and no one interrupted. The sun had gone down in the sky, and it was now nearly touching the mountains ahead in the horizon. Lily was speechless. James’ features were made of stone, not a single emotion being betrayed. Remus studied the tale as if Harry was just giving him an oral presentation for his class. And Sirius waited. Waited to see how far Harry would go, how much he would tell, how much he wouldn’t.

When the boy finally stopped, he was the first to speak.

“Is that what you two were out doing the night he was killed? Hunting horcruxes?”

“Yes,” Harry answered.

“Did you find any?”

“No.” He looked at Hermione and extended his hand, awaiting, until the girl tossed him something shiny. Harry held it up for all to see what looked like a very old medallion, or a locket.

“What is that, then?” Remus asked.

“It’s a replica of the horcrux we were looking for,” Harry said.

“What do you mean ‘a replica’? How can you tell it’s not real?” James asked.

“Because there’s a note inside, saying so,” Harry said, tossing it to his father.

James opened it up and took out a piece of parchment. He started reading it out loud.

“To the Dark Lord

I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can.

I face death in the hope when you meet your match you will be mortal once more,

R.A.B.”

Sirius felt his heart stop.

“What?” He snaped his head up, looking at James.

The look on his face made James look down at the parchment again, and his eyes cleared in realisation as he met Sirius’ own.

“Oh, Padfoot,” he said, no more than a breath.

Sirius crossed the space between them in record time, snatching the message from James’ hand. He needed to see it with his own eyes.

And there it was. The neat, almost impeccable handwriting of someone who had learned cursive as an art, and not just a writing method. The S’s twisting around just like Sirius’ did, and the final capital letters marking the initials in the ultimate Black family fashion for signatures, occupying more space on the page than it was actually needed, marking presence and showing power. Sirius did the same with his own signature, though he would never admit it to anyone. He was far from being a proud Black, but some things stick to you and never let you go, and his signature was one of those. His Ss and Bs occupying twice the space of most letters. A flair for the dramatics, those Blacks, James had said, once.

R.A.B., sticking out of that tiny fragment of a parchment. Sirius finally took his eyes off those three letters and reread the whole thing. Once. Twice. Thrice. And then again.

“Sirius?” Harry called for him, snapping him out of his trance.

He looked at James again, and his friend was watching him closely.

“Is it really him?” James asked.

“Dad, what’s going on?” Harry asked, but James just raised a hand for him to be quiet a moment.

“Padfoot?” It was Remus now, wiping the hair off his face and placing it behind his ear. “You okay?”

Sirius looked at him, finally finding his voice.

“R. A. B.,” he breathed. Then, turned to look at Harry. “Regulus. Arcturus. Black.” He said out loud. “My little brother.”

Confusion washed over Harry’s face. “The Death Eater?”

“Yes.”

“Sirius, this is it,” Remus said, drawing his attention back to him. “This is what he was up to. This is what your cousin meant all those years ago. This is-,” he stopped, closing his mouth in a neat line as realisation washed over him. Sirius had just done the maths himself, and the result was as clear as daylight, though it had none of the sun’s warmth to it. No, it was something cold washing up his spine, making the hairs in the back of his neck stand up.

“This is how he died,” he finished. He let out a long breath, and felt himself shaking. Remus took the paper from his hands and handed it back to James, before putting his arms around Sirius and holding him tight for a moment. The rest of the tower was quiet, as if stilled in time.

Sirius held on to Remus, allowing himself to calm down, and quiet his nerves. That had been Regulus final strike. His pièce de resistance. A move that would never be enough to redeem him, but it was enough for Sirius. This was the final piece of the puzzle, the question he had never found an answer to. Until now.

Sirius didn’t cry. He’d done enough crying when he’d visited his cousin, all those years ago. He’d done his healing, then; found peace to let his brother go. This new information was both shocking and relieving; to know that, in the end, Reg had truly gone down trying to do something right. And, although Sirius didn’t know his reasons, it was enough. For his brother, it was enough.

So, he recomposed himself rather quickly, just taking in Remus’ strength to steady himself. When he finally let go, James and Lily were looking concerned, and the three kids were confused beyond themselves.

“I’m alright,” he said to his friends, with a smile for reassurance.

“Padfoot, what-,” Harry started.

“Another time, kid,” Sirius said, kindly. “We’ll have plenty of time once we hit the road.”

That seemed to throw everyone off, adults and teenagers alike.

“What the fuck do you mean by ‘hit the road’, Padfoot?” James asked.

“What the fuck do you mean by ‘we hit the road’, Padfoot?” Harry asked.

“Language!” Lily protested.

“Alright, alright!” Remus intervened. “Sirius, elaborate. Please.”

“Yes, Sirius, please do elaborate,” James piped in. “Because the way you just said it, it sounded very much like we’re going out in the world hunting bloody horcruxes and taking Harry with us. And that’s not bloody happening.”

“Tell that to Harry,” Hemione muttered.

“Yeah, that is bloody happening. Only I’m doing it by myself.” Harry said, flatly.

“Oh my god, will you stop with-,” Hermione had started again, but she was cut short by another sound.

Lily was laughing hard, but it was hallowed, joyless. “Like fuck you are,” she pointed a very long finger to her son. “You shouldn’t even have been involved in the first place. You are not going anywhere, Mister.”

“Mum, I was involved the second I got this scar, and you know that.”

“Harry, you are not doing it. You’re just a kid!” Remus piped in.

“I am already doing it,” he practically shouted, “and I’ll be seventeen soon enough!”

“Still far too young!”

“Oh, c’mon, I’m not going to listen to that kind of discourse coming from you lot!”

“Harry-,” Lily started again.

“Don’t tell me I’m wrong,” he said, though he wasn’t screaming anymore. Just tired. A sixteen-year-old, already tired of fighting. But he wouldn’t stop.

Sirius knew how wrong it was. He knew he ought to talk his godson out of that madness and put an end to it. It was the responsible thing to do, to stand with James and Lily and say “no”. But it was also the stupid thing to do because it wouldn’t be enough to stop him. And, besides, Sirius had never been the responsible one.

“Thank you lot for making my point,” Sirius said, finally. “James,” he turned to his friend, “don’t be so dense, you’re smarter than that, mate. There’s no way you’re talking that kid out of going out and trying to save the world, because you would’ve done the same thing. Fuck’s sake, you did do the same thing! We all did. And your dad couldn’t talk us out of it, either.”

“Exactly, Sirius! We did this before. And we know how stupid it is to do it. We promised we wouldn’t let it happen again.”

“I know, and I did mean it. Back then, I did. But this is more complicated than we ever imagined it would be. Harry is not simply playing around with this mess. He is part of it.”

James sighed, letting it all sink in. He agreed with that part, Sirius knew that much. He just wouldn’t admit it. Lily’s eyes had been glued to her kid for several minutes now, as if she feared that he would vanish the second she looked away. Something had changed in her eyes, though.

“He’s your son, James,” Sirius pressed on. “Through and through. Just as stubborn, just as powerful, and just as much the stupid Gryffindor. Just as brave.”

“Sirius is right.”

Sirius had to blink, several times, to make sure it was really Lily’s voice he heard saying those words. She continued, still looking at her son.

“If we tell him to stay put, he’ll just go behind our backs. Am I wrong, Harry?”

“No, you’re not wrong,” Harry said, looking at his shoes. “I’m sorry, mum.”

“Don’t be,” she hurried forward and hugged him tight, hushing him as if he was still two years old and had just gotten a scare from a broken vase.

“Dad?” Harry called, and that was all James needed to join his family in their embrace, closing their little bubble.

“So,” Sirius continued, once everyone had gathered themselves again. “Back to my point. Harry, this doesn’t mean we agree to let you chase down this mental plan of yours by yourself.”

“That’s what we’ve been telling him!” Ron said, a smudged smile on his face.

“Yeah, Ronald, because Sirius so clearly meant you,” James rolled his eyes. “Not a chance we’re involving either you or Hermione in this. You’re both staying well put.”

Ron sulked, and Hermione just looked down and raised an eyebrow. Sirius thought to himself that there was no fucking way either of them would let Harry go off and leave them behind, and both not putting up a fight just meant they would figure out a way to do it anyway. Part of Sirius wanted to smile at that thought. Him and Remus would’ve done the same for James.

“I’d really rather not drag anyone else into it,” Harry mumbled.

“And I’d really rather you stopped with that nonsense before I change my mind,” Lily said, coldly.

Harry sighed deeply. “Fine,” he said. “But we need to plan it all out ahead. It’s not going to be easy, from now onwards, and I doubt we’ll be able to stick together one hundred percent of the time. And, besides-,” he bit his lower lip, looking around, “I have no clue where to start.”

“We start by waiting,” Remus said, then pointed at Harry. “Because you’re definitely not going anywhere until you’re seventeen.”

“And, after that,” Sirius continued, now staring at the note Lily still held fist tight, “I think I have a pretty good idea where we can start.”

After a few more minutes of debate, they all agreed that was pretty much all they could do for now: prepare and plan as much as it was possible to plan when you don’t know what you are looking for.

It was irresponsible and dangerous, and so very stupid. But maybe a little bit of stupidity was what made them all so brave, so ready to stand on fire and let it burn.

Sirius was glad Harry’s loyalties to Dumbledore hadn’t been as deep as his trust and love for his family, since there were no questions that the old man had told the boy to keep the information to himself. It made things far easier, because Harry trusting them meant they could trust him to be honest. And if he was honest, then they could protect him.

Harry and his friends quickly climbed down the Astronomy Tower, already whispering among themselves, while Sirius, Remus, James, and Lily stayed behind, looking out into the grounds.

“This is fucking madness,” James muttered, shaking his head.

“Yep,” Remus nodded in agreement. “Although I don’t find it all so surprising. It was coming, one way or another.” He came to stand next to Sirius on the parapet and held his hand.

“The war?” Lily asked, standing between Sirius and James.

“Everything,” Remus replied. “I don’t think any of it ever really ended. We were just-, oh, I dunno. Holding our breaths, I s’ppose. Waiting for the second act.”

Lily nodded, and Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand.

“I’m scared,” James said, in a very low voice. Raw and vulnerable.

“Not of the fight, but-, last time, it cost us more than lives. It nearly cost us each other,” he glanced sideways at Remus and Sirius, and, although he tried to hide it, James Potter had never been very subtle.

“This time will be different, though,” Sirius said, firmly. He looked at Remus and held his gaze. “We will be different. I know it.”

Remus nodded. “I know it, too.”

James and Lily stayed another five minutes, maybe, before announcing they were going downstairs for dinner, and then, it was just Sirius and Remus.

They sat down, their legs hanging from the edge. Remus rearranged himself so he would have his back against a wall, and Sirius made himself comfortable under his arm.

“How do we know it, though?” Remus asked quietly, running his fingers through Sirius’ hair.

“How do we know it’ll be different?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah. I have this gut feeling that it will, I just wish I knew why.”

Sirius twisted his head on Remus’ chest, looking up at him. Those honey eyes stared at him and he felt warm, in spite of the biting wind blowing at them.

“Because there’s this one choice that we made wrong all those years ago,” Sirius said, quietly. “We chose fear, we chose hate, and we let it take over us. I let it take over me. It nearly killed us, quite literally. And it almost cost me you. But we got a second chance, and that’s where we made the right choice.”

“And what is that?”

Sirius closed his eyes. He usually avoided thinking about it, but Remus had long forgiven him, and he needed to be candid.

“During the last war we-, I, I lost faith in it.”

“In what?”

“Love,” Sirius swallowed. “I never doubted you loved me. I never questioned your feelings. I just lost faith in the concept of it, altogether, I- I stopped believing it was enough. And I’m so sorry, Moony. I’ll be sorry about it for the rest of my life.”

“Shhhh,” Remus shook his head and raised a hand to cup Sirius’ face, using his thumb to rub his cheek. “And I’ll spend the rest of mine forgiving you. So that you know it is enough. I love you, my darling, and that is enough.”

“I know that now,” Sirius said. “And I love you too. That’s the choice, I suppose. And I’ll spend forever choosing it, I’ll spend forever choosing you, Moony.”

Something sparkled in Remus’ eyes, and, as dusk started falling over them, the last rays of sun shone across his face.  The orange of the twilight sky slowly turned to blue; it was one of those moments were nature takes people’s breaths away, looking more like a painting than reality. But Sirius didn’t care for it, he only cared for the man in front of him. Because Remus Lupin was a work of art, inside and out, and Sirius would never tire of watching him glow. He smiled at him because Godric knew what he had done to deserve such a wonderful man.

“That’s the choice: love or hate,” Sirius said.

“The world is not as simple as good or bad, Sirius,” Remus said, kindly, almost sadly.

“I know that,” Sirius nodded. “I don’t think the world is split in the middle between light and darkness, nor that a person can be entirely good or entirely bad. Hell, look at my brother! I can’t even begin to fathom what he was. He wasn’t a good person, otherwise he would’ve never taken that mark, but I don’t think he was all evil, either. All I know is we spent our entire lives tangled in this mess of love and hate for each other, and I think we made the wrong choice one too many times. That’s how I lost him.”

Remus nodded, watching him for a while.

“Is it that simple, then?” Remus finally asked. “A choice?”

“I think it is. I reckon that’s how we know this time will be different; it’s either love or hate. And I’m not saying we’ll do everything right, or that we’ll never do bad things again. But whatever we do,” he paused, stretching up and placing a kiss to Remus’ cheek, “it’ll be out of love.”

Sirius pulled back in time to catch the dopey grin on Remus’ lips. He mirrored it.

“Very well, then,” Remus whispered, leaning in. “Love, it is.”

And then he kissed him.

I, I can remember (I remember)

Standing by the wall (by the wall)

And the guns, shot above our heads (over our heads)

And we kissed as though nothing could fall (nothing could fall)

And the shame, was on the other side

Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever

Then we could be heroes, just for one day

- Heroes (David Bowie)