Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a standard hunt. It was not meant to go this way, saving people, hunting things, it’s what they did. Today was not meant to be the day, but then, Dean always knew that it would end this way for him. His plan was always to “go out swinging” That was until...that was until he did what he did. And now he’d let him down. His sacrifice was all for nothing. Fuck, it was typical Dean Winchester! Epic failure, monumental fucking disappointment.

Dean’s insides churned. The rebar his body was impaled on felt like it was the only thing holding him together. His eyes scanned the barn, the headless corpses of the vamps lay before him.
“Ok, let’s get those boys and get out of here” Sam’s voice recentred Dean’s thoughts, anchoring him to the here and now.

“Sammy” Dean wheezed “Sammy....my back. There’s something sticking in my back”

“What? What are you talking about?” Sam moved closer to Dean and reached around behind him, his hand blindly resting upon the blood soaked wound. Sam paled at the sheer volume of blood pooling his hand.

“Sammy, listen to me. You need to get those boys and get them some place safe, do you hear me?”

“Dean, no! WE will get them some place safe. You and me together”

Dean tried to take in a steady breath but it was becoming increasingly difficult, his insides were on fire. His blood felt like bubbling lava swimming along the cavity of his chest. He didn’t want Sammy around for this. His baby brother’s lasting memory could not and would not be watching his big brother die, not in this way. Dean swallowed, knowing what he had to do. He took in a last look at his over grown “little” brother. Fuck he was proud of that kid. Dean wasn’t proud of much he’d done in his life but Sam, Sam he was proud of.

Sam’s voice was thick with emotion and concern “Put your arms around me, Dean, let’s get you off of this thing”

“No, Sam. This thing is holding me together right now” Dean blew a breath from between his lips, attempting to regulate the inferno that was still building inside of him. “Go get the boys in the car and grab the first aid kit and come back for me, got it?”

Sam just stared, fear evident in his face.
“Sammy! Hey, focus! Have you got it?” Sam’s eyes locked on Dean’s and Dean knew that this was the last time he would ever look at his baby brother. And in that moment he tried silently to convey everything he felt for the kid he’d dedicated the last 37 years to.

Sam nodded. “Got it. I’ll be right back just hold on, alright?”

“No problem, Sammy. Hey, I think we nailed this one” Dean attempted a joke, not wanting to show the fear that was beginning to build.

“You’re an idiot”

Dean managed a small smile of reassurance as he watched Sam retreat from the Barn, disappearing into the darkness.
Dean let out a sharp breath of pain as soon as he knew the coast was clear. How he wished he was here. He’d let him down. After everything he had sacrificed just so Dean could live and now...now here he was about to croak it on a rusty nail. He needed him here. He needed him here so he could tell him. If he was about to die, he needed him to know. He wanted his final words to be for him. For Cas.

Dean clutched his chest as a new pain surged through him, forcing his head to bow forward. It was now or never. He knew this would be the last time he could do this. The last time he could pray to Cas. He swallowed down the tinny blood lacing his throat, making way for the words he was about to speak.

“Cas...Can you hear me? Wherever you are I hope you can hear me. I-I’m fading pretty quick so I might not get all of this out. Cas...Cas, man, I’m so sorry. For everything. E-everything you sacrificed h-has been for nothing. I’m so sorry. Man, I wish you were here. You-you’re my best friend. No, you’re more than that. It’s t-time I cut the- cut the crap. I should have stopped you. I should never have let you do what you did but I just let you go. I just l-let you go because it was easier th-than admitting to what I have pushed deep down for so damn long. I couldn’t e-even find the courage to tell you, l-I’ve been such a coward, Cas. But I-I need you to know now. Cas, I love you. Of course I love you” He’d said it. Finally Dean had said it out loud. The air left his lungs. Was it in relief? He wasn’t sure.
“Wherever you are, Cas. I hope you can hear me. Man, I hope you can hear me”
The tears dripped from Dean’s face hitting his boot below. His breathing shallowed as his mind and thoughts began to fog.

Dying, it was like entering that middle state of being awake and asleep. It was light and weightless. It was dark and bright white. It was washing over him and he welcomed it. His eyes drifted shut, all he could see now was blue eyes.
“I love you. Goodbye, Dean”
“But I cared about the whole world, because of you”
“You changed me, Dean”
“Everything you do, you do for love”
“I know how you see yourself, Dean”
“DEAN!”
“DEAN!”
“DEAN” ...and the last voice Dean heard was Cas’ in the distance of his memory as his last breath left his lips, and his world faded to black.

Chapter Text

Bravery manifested itself in many different ways. Sometimes it involved giving your life for something of a greater magnitude than yourself, or giving it up so someone else could live. Sometimes it involved giving up everything you have ever known, your family, your faith, everything you thought was the Devine truth. Sometimes it was rebelling against heaven and your father. All for something far greater. SomeONE far greater, far more righteous.

You see, it had all been so easy, giving his life for Dean Winchester. The way Castiel saw it, when you knew who mattered most to you, giving things up, even yourself, well, it doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice at all.
He was willing to spend an eternity in the darkness if it meant Dean could live in the light.

The silence here in the darkness existed as a soundtrack to the regrets of Castiel’s past. It was a profound melody that seduced his consciousness. Teasing and taunting on a never ending cycle. It surrounded Castiel, relentless in its sneering. In sharp focus were the times that he had failed Dean. The leviathan fiasco, Metatron, the Mark, Jack...he saw every time that Dean had been counting on him and he had done nothing but fail and disappoint him. But there was something else here, creeping through the cracks. It was a razor sharp memory, something blazing, hot and liquid. It was reaching out to Castiel like a magnet, pulling him forward, arousing every molecule of his being.

It was his grace wrapping around Dean’s soul in perdiion. Castiel had been witness to the splendor of heaven at its most incandescent but nothing was quite as magnificent as this soul before him. The soul of the righteous man he was to grip tight and raise from perdition.

“Cas....Cas, wherever you are, I hope you can hear me” The words slipped through the cracks of silence like the first rays of sun through the clouds.
“Cas...I love you”
There was a desperate note to that voice, Castiel knew that voice
“Man, I hope you can hear me”
Castiel startled from his slumber, he searched his surroundings - nothing but....nothingness. Castiel powered his Grace, lighting his palm a vivid blue. He traced his hand into the nothingness. He wandered the darkness, calling out, his voice a desperate plea.

“Show yourself, I know you are here, I can feel you” Castiel speaks out into the void. “Where are you?”
“Come now, Castiel, you know how I hate to be awake” Sounds an eloquent, nasally voice from behind Castiel. Castiel turns, confronted with his form.
“Then send me back to earth”
The shadow laughs wryly
“We had a deal, Castiel. Why are you awake? You can never do as you’re supposed to, the Angel who came off the line with a crack in his chassis”
Castiel had heard those words before.
“Put me back on earth and you can be left in peace”
“That wasn’t the plan, Castiel. Don’t tell me, your little pet is in bother once again, am I right?”
Castiel didn’t answer.
“Come on, Smart guy, we are old pals, you can tell me” The entity tapped Castiel’s cheek to emphasise each word. “Are we really going to go here again? Ok fine...I’ll just have to find out for myself” The entity places it’s hand upon Castiel’s head, the lave hot pain seared Castiel’s skull as he screamed out in pain, his legs buckling beneath him.
“Oh deary me” Says the entity, clucking his tongue against the roof of his mouth “it seems your little pet is calling out for you, my friend. How interesting”
Castiel lay at the entity’s feet, trying desperately to regain his equilibrium
“Put me back on earth NOW” Castiel breathed sharply, he would do anything now to get to Dean. There was one thing he could do, one thing he hadn’t considered. The one thing that could send him back to Dean but the one thing that would cause profound loss. Castiel stood to his feet once again. He knew he had no time to think this through, he would deal with the consequences later. He slipped his Angel Blade from the sleeve of his trench coat. The entity caught the gleam of the blade and cackled.
“Surely you don’t think-“
“No” Castiel cut in “If you refuse to send me back to earth, I shall do it myself” Castiel raised the blade to his throat and in one fluid movement he cut, his Grace spilling out into the ether.

The first thing Castiel feels is immense pain to his forehead. He reaches up, warm blood coating his fingertips.
The second thing Castiel feels is loss. A familiar emptiness that he wasn’t prepared to embrace right now. The third thing Castiel felt was desperation. Dean. He had to get to Dean.

Castiel weakly got to his feet. He recognised his surroundings. The familiar scenery crept back into his consciousness. The underground of the bunker where he had said goodbye to Dean, where he had spoken his truth. He was here. But he wasn’t truly home, not until he found Dean.

Chapter Text

Beep. Beep. Beep.
God he wished it would just let up. Constantly with that damn beep, beep, beeping. He just wanted to be left alone. And really, whoever the fuck was driving that drill into his skull could just fuck the fuck off too.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Dean’s head felt asthough it was being split in two, and he would swear that his back was on fire. He tried to move but his body was too heavy, it was too much effort.
Beep. Beep. Beep
Dean forced his eyelids open, the light in the big white room temporarily blinding him. He groaned at the razor sharp poker that was being rammed down his throat.

“Dean?! Dean, can you hear me? Dean, it’s me, Sam, can you hear me?” Sam’s panic stricken voice was too loud in Dean’s over-sensitive ears.
“Dean? Talk to me, it’s Sam”
Dean groaned in frustration. He knew who it was goddamnit.
“Be quiet, Sammy” Dean heard a heavy sigh of relief beside him but it was too much effort to turn his head to confirm that it came from Sam.
“Thank god! I thought...” Sam couldn’t finish the end of that sentence “I’ll go get the nurse”
Nurse? Why would...? Dean’s mind flooded suddenly with the memory of a vamp fight and being shoved into that damn rebar. The memory seared a pain through his back. And then....disappointment washed over him. He’d survived. He was alive, after all. He squeezed his eyes against the pain and the tsunami of disappointment that he was certain was going to drown him. How had he survived this? Why had he survived this? He doesn’t recall any interference from Jack. He was just so damn tired, he’d been ready to go and yet...
The door screeching open interrupted his thoughts as he watched Sam and a petite ebony-skinned nurse enter the room.
“So you’re awake, Mr. Seger”
Dean’s eyes followed the nurse as she approached his bed. Her ID card that swung from her neck read ‘Tamika’
“Apparently so” Dean croaked, a resigned edge to his voice
“I’m just going to check your vitals, hon. How’s your pain on a scale of one to ten?” Tamika asked as she shone a light in to Dean’s eyes
“One hundred and five” he grunted. Tamika’s full lips curved into a kind smile
“That rough, huh? We can sort that for you. I’ll get you some pain relief as soon as I’m done here”
She said as she placed two fingers against Dean’s wrist, timing his pulse.
“You’re a very lucky man to be alive”
“I wouldn’t say that” Dean replied dejectedly, without thinking. He caught Sam’s eye as he said this. Sam’s face was painted in confusion at Dean’s words. He looked pale and exhausted, Dean noted he had more stubble than he remembered. He wondered how long he’d been out for. Nurse Tamika jotted down her notes as she concluded Dean’s M.O.T. and administered some morphine into the cannula that was inserted into the back of Dean’s hand. He felt the warm rush of liquid flush through his veins and he felt his body relax. Not enough to sleep but enough to be comfortable.
“The doctor will be round shortly to talk with you. Just holla if you need anything.”
Dean only managed a small nod as she left the room.

He heard Sam’s light footsteps move toward the bed, the plastic chair scraping across the floor was like fingernails down a chalkboard to Dean’s sensitive hearing. Sam took a seat next to Dean’s bed, leaning forward with his elbows resting on the safety bars of the bed
“How are you feeling?” Sam’s voice was quiet and laced with exhaustion.
“Like a dirty bloodsucker impaled me on a rusty nail” Dean didn’t recognise his weakened voice, slurring slightly as the morphine worked its magic.
Sam pushed his unkempt hair back from his face “Thought you were a goner for sure this time, man. It was a close call”
Dean made a dismissive sound in the back of his throat, refusing to meet Sam’s eyes.
It didn’t escape Sam’s notice
“Dean, what you said - when the nurse told you that you were lucky to be alive and you seemed to disagree....”
Dean knew Sam would catch on to that, the kid never missed a trick.
“Leave it, Sammy” Dean looked over at his younger brother. His hair was greasy, he had dark circles under his eyes and dark stubble concealed the bottom half of his face “you look like crap, how long was I out for?”
“Two days. Now answer the question. Did you disagree when she said you were lucky to be alive?”
Dean sighed heavily, the action eliciting immense pain in his ribs
“I said let it go, Sam. It doesn’t matter”
“Not this time, Dean. You have been zoned out for a while now. Talk to me man, that’s what I’m here for”
Dean looked over at his baby brother. He was a 37 year old man but to Dean he wound always be the kid he was to protect at all costs, not his damn therapist.
“When I came back in to that Barn and saw you slumped there lifeless, I thought that was it”
Dean’s throat constricted as he heard the fear in Sam’s voice. “You...you asked for Castiel”
Dean’s heart thrummed at the sound of Cas’s name. He said nothing. “Dean...you haven’t been the same since Cas di-“
Dean squeezed his eyes shut
“Don’t say it, Sammy” Dean whispered out desperately, he couldn’t apply that word to the end of Cas’s name. He refused.
“Dean, it’s ok to miss him. I miss him too” Sam didn’t get it. How could he? He hadn’t been privy to what went down the day Cas...the day Cas left. Dean hadn’t told a soul. Cas’ confession? that was his and his alone, the only thing he had left of Cas.
“Yeah sure. Whatever” Dean said.
“It might be healthy to talk about him from time to time, it would be nice, actually. I’m just saying I’m here and I know how you feel”
Dean scoffed.
“You have no idea what the hell I’m feeling, Sam” Dean bit out more harshly than was intended.
“Then tell me, Dean! Let me help”
“You can’t”
“You’re right, I can’t, not if you don’t talk to me”
Dean looked at Sam with a determined glare
“Can you bring him back?”
Sam looked at Dean regretfully
“I would if I could”
“Yeah” Dean turned his head away from Sam, closing his eyes. “He told me he loved me” the words came out without Dean’s permission
“What?”
Dean’s voice was barely audible as he continued
“Before he..left...he told me he was in love with me. Told me I had changed him, how because of me, he cared about everything and everyone. How I was the most caring person on earth. And that’s why he...left...His deal with the empty... the moment he felt true happiness, the empty would come for him. Loving me was his happiness. I am the reason he’s-“ Dean cleared the lump from his throat. Moisture stung the back of his eyes but he refused to let any spill, he was afraid that if he did, he would never stop.
He felt rather than heard Sam shift further forward, his voice softer as he spoke
“Dean, why didn’t you say anything?”
“What would be the point? It wouldn’t change anything”
“That’s a heavy load to carry on your own but Dean, Cas’ death wasn’t your fault, you know that right?”
Hearing “Cas” and “death” in the same sentence twisted something deep inside Dean’s chest, something bone crushingly painful.
Dean’s voice was raw with emotion as he spoke unthinkingly
“Do you have any idea, any idea at all what it’s like to have someone tell you the opposite of everything you’ve ever thought about yourself? To have them tell you they are in love with you and not even get a chance to respond because the selfish son of a bitch gives up his life for you? Do you know how that fucking feels, Sammy?”
“Tell me, how does it feel?”
“The way it feels...” Dean shakes his head trying to blink back the moisture in his eyes “it’s like no other pain. I can have the shit beaten out of me, I can be tortured on the rack for 30 years in hell but this...I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing. But at the same time, like the fucking masochist that I am, I welcome it because.... cos the pain...it’s the only reminder I have that he was actually real” Dean releases a deep breath, the weight of his words hanging heavy in the air and he sees the realisation appear on Sam’s face
“You love him back, don’t you?” Sam says gently. Dean just turns away, clamping his jaw tightly. He’d said more than enough on this subject
“I’m tired, Sammy. Go home, take a shower, you’re stinking up the place”
Sam knew to leave the subject alone for the moment, he didn’t want to pressure Dean right now.
Sam heaved a sigh and stood from his chair
“Can I bring you anything back?”
“Some clean clothes would be good, do not go in the middle dresser, do you hear me? I’ll know if you have” Sam rolled his eyes
“I’m not interested in your porn stash, Dean”
Dean grumbled unintelligibly.
Sam reached over to the small shelf beside the bed and retrieved Dean’s phone, placing it on his chest
“Call me if you need anything, I’ll be back in a couple hours”
“Yeah sure” Dean replied dismissively
Sam left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Dean felt heavy and weightless all at the same time. What had he just confessed to? That he no longer wanted to be here? That he was in love with the best friend he’d ever had? Dean felt sick and he wasn’t sure if it was the aftermath of his Near death or his word vomit to Sam. His eyes drifted close as jumbled thoughts traveled through his mind. Thoughts of headless vamps falling at his feet. Cobalt blue eyes searching in the darkness for him. Sounds of “You changed me, Dean” being whispered in his ear.

Dean didn’t know how long his eyes had been closed for when he heard the familiar sound of his phone shrilling out in to the room.
“Go away” he groaned as it rang off. Dean sighed and relaxed back into the hard hospital standard mattress. It was meagre seconds before it started again.
“Fuck sake” Dean moaned as he fingered atop the sheets for his phone. He lifts it to eye level, forcing them open to hit ACCEPT
“What?” Dean answered sharply, not in the mood for anymore conversation.
In that next moment, Dean felt his world tilt on axis, his heart pounding against his sternum, he felt the colour drop from his body as he heard that rough, gravely voice on the end of the line
“Hello, Dean”

Chapter Text

Who the hell is this?” Cas was awash with relief as he heard Dean’s rich, gruff voice on the other end of the line, even if it was laced with contempt.

“It’s me, Dean” there was silence on Dean’s end of the line, Castiel was not sure if he’d hung up “Dean I-“

“Listen to me, you sick son of a bitch. I don’t know who the fuck you are but I swear, as soon as I’m out of here I will hunt you down and tear you apart, piece by piece do you hear me?”

“Get out of where? Dean, where are-“ The line went dead. Castiel pressed the phone to his forehead in frustration. Dean sounded weak, nothing like himself.

Castiel took a steadying breath, trying to gather his thoughts and moved his way through The Bunker halls unsure of what he was to do next. He heard the small shift of movement from behind him, something softly padding against the floor. Castiel turned to be greeted by the curious gaze of a dog who sat dociley at his feet and panted up at him.
Castiel crouched down to the dog’s level, balancing on the balls of his feet as he cautiously reached a hand out toward him
“Aren’t you a sweet thing?” Castiel says, encouraging the dog to come forward. His wet nose cautiously nudges at Castiel’s fingers
“Pleasure to make your acquaintance...” Castiel slowly turns the dogs licence in his fingers to view his name
“...Miracle.” Cas rubs behind Miracle’s ears and smiles as the fluff ball leans hard into his touch
“You’re not much of a guard dog, are you? Where are Dean and Sam?” Castiel asks the question more to himself than to Miracle but Miracle gives an answering bark nonetheless. Just as Miracle barks, Castiel hears the click of the bunkers door and the familiar, metallic sound of feet padding down the steps. Castiel’s heart begins to thrum nervously in his chest, he’d quite forgotten how prevalent human emotions could be
“Dean...” he breathed to himself as his feet instinctively carried him towards the front of the bunker. Miracle excitedly ran ahead, almost skidding to a stop in front of Sam
“Hey, boy” Sam says tiredly, “how are you doing, huh?” He bends slightly to give Miracle a quick chin scratch
“You hungry?”
“Hello, Sam” Castiel spoke from the entry way, his hands nervously fisted at his sides. Sam stood quickly, startled. It took him meagre seconds to come back to himself and he drew his gun from the waistband of his jeans, pointing it steadily in Castiel’s direction.
“Who the hell are you?” Sam half-shouted, stepping around Miracle and moving towards Castiel, his eyes never leaving his target.
“Sam, I assure you it’s me. Please put the gun down. I no longer have my grace, if you shoot—“
Sam was infront of Castiel in three swift moves, his arm pushing into his chest as he roughly backed him into the west wall, the gun still trained on him
“I said who are you?” Sam repeated
Castiel wrapped a hand around Sam’s wrist in a gesture of reassurance
“It’s me, Sam. You may do all the necessary tests but I promise you, I am who I say”
Something was telling Sam to believe Castiel but he couldn’t fully commit to this trust, old habits dying hard. He switched arms to reach for the silver pen knife in his pocket. Castiel held out his palm in invitation. Sam flipped the pen knife open and sliced a fluid line across the heel of Castiel’s palm. Sam then reached to the inside of his jacket for the flask of holy water, splashing it across Cas’s wrist. Castiel watched for Sam’s reaction as each test was passed. Sam swiftly stepped back, momentarily away from Cas, trying to compute what was infront of him
“Cas?” He breathed in disbelief
Castiel nodded once, a soft smile playing on his lips as his friend pulled him forward into a tight embrace. Sam leaned away from Cas, his hand remaining on his shoulder
“How did you— when did you—?”
“I will explain later but where is Dean?” Cas asked urgently “I called him but he didn’t believe that it was me”
“Cas, Dean is in the hospital, he—“ Sam didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before Cas interrupted
“The hospital? What happened? Take me there, Sam”
“Calm down, he’s fine. Well...he wasn’t fine, it was tough going for a while but he’s going to be fine”
“I have to see him. Take me.” Cas was already ascending the stairs, Sam hot on his heels.
“I’ll take you, Cas, but I’m not sure how he’s going to handle this”
“We shall cross that bridge when we come to it”

And so Sam and Castiel took the road towards the hospital, Castiel a anxious ball of energy in the seat next to Sam.
“Cas, how are you here?”
Castiel kept his eyes focused forward, watching the impala swallow the road beneath its tyres.
“I felt, rather than heard, Dean calling for me. I think it may have been in prayer but I’m not sure. I felt his...despair... The Empty was refusing to return me to earth and so I sacrificed my grace, and I woke up in the underground of the bunker” Cas was as matter-of-fact as he always was as he explained the situation to Sam.
“All of your grace is gone?” Sam asked, concern in his voice
“Yes. What happened to Dean, Sam?”
Sam took a breath and began to explain to Cas about the hunt and the rebar “He was asking for you, Cas, while he was bleeding out, he wanted you there. Do you think that’s when you heard him?”
Cas started at this information, something inside of him twisting painfully knowing Dean needed him and he wasn’t there.
“Perhaps so” he answered dejectedly
They turned into the hospital car park, easily pulling into a space outside.
“Are you ready to do this?” Sam asks him. Castiel doesn’t answer as he swiftly gets out of the car “I guess so” Sam adds more to himself, catching up to Cas as he makes his way to the entrance.
“Cas, wait up, you don’t know where you’re going. This way” Sam directed with a nod of his head, his hair falling over his forehead. Castiel followed as Sam lead them to Dean’s room. Standing outside the door, Cas makes a move to go inside.
Sam pulls him back by the elbow
“Cas, let me go in ahead of you. This will be a shock for him. He...hasn’t been in a good place since you left, I’m not sure how he will take this” Cas merely nods his head slowly and allows Sam to move past him.

Dean tried to pull himself up stiffly as he sees Sam enter the room, still reeling from the call from whatever piece of shit was usurping Cas

“I need you to trace a call.” Dean says immediately “Some sick son of a —“
“Dean, wait” Sam interjects
Dean notes the look on Sam’s face, instantly becoming concerned
“Sammy...what is it, what’s wrong?”
“Uh...something...ok...don’t freak out—“ Dean spots a shadow of movement from behind Sam and a familiar trench coat comes into view. Sam instinctually steps aside, allowing Cas to come into full view.
Dean’s body momentarily freezes before his hunter’s brain kicks in
“SAM!” He shouts in warning, reaching beneath his pillow for the gun that isn’t there
“Dean, Dean! It’s ok” Sam moves forward, pressing a hand to Dean’s shoulder to hold him in place “it’s him, Dean. It’s Cas”
Cas stands silently in the doorway, Dean’s eyes flitting between his brother and Castiel.
“Fucking bullshit. Let me go Sam, I’m going to kill this son of a bitch!”
Dean struggled against Sam but it doesn’t take much effort for Sam to hold him in place
“No Dean. It’s true. I’ve checked him out man, he’s clean. It’s Cas!”
Cas takes a step forward, stopping just short of the foot of the bed.
“Hello, Dean” he almost whispers
Dean’s eyes train on Castiel, burning with moistures as his chest heaves rapidly. He stares. And he stares. And he stares. Nothing but his harsh breath can be heard in the room
“It’s really you” he says finally. it’s a statement more than a question, his voice is thick with emotion. And then his face changes. He’s overcome with an irrational anger, his face hard and thunderous.
“Get out” he spits out darkly
Cas’ brows knit together in confusion. “Dean? Dean I-“
“I said GET. THE. FUCK. OUT” he roars “Sam, get him out of here. Now”
Sam moves toward Cas
“Cas man, c’mon. Let’s do this later”
“But Sam I-“
“Later, Cas” Sam is insistent as he pushes Cas toward the door and out into the hall way. Dean stares at the door, breathing hard. Bile riding high in his throat. He grips the sheets on his bed, his knuckles turning white as he stares at the space Cas just left.
“You son of a bitch” he roars out into the empty space, “You selfish son of a bitch!”

Chapter Text

Castiel paces back and forth outside of Dean’s hospital room, contemplating his next move. Sam sits opposite in one of the three plastic chairs, watching Cas pace like an agitated lion.
“Cas, you’re making me dizzy, man. Come and sit down” Sam taps the chair next to him slightly in invitation. Castiel pauses briefly before accepting the seat next to Sam. He sits down with a sigh.
“He was incredibly angry” Cas eventually says, a hint of sadness scarring his voice.
“He’s just in shock, Cas. You know Dean, he lashes out when his feelings overwhelm him. Give him time”
“I must talk to him, Sam. The last time we saw each other...” Cas shifts awkwardly in his seat “I believe I may have made him uncomfortable”
Sam places a reassuring hand on Castiel’s shoulder
“Trust me, that’s not what this is about.”
“You know?”
Sam nods “Only very recently. He kept it to himself”
Cas Sighs hearing this.
“I’ve embarrassed him”
“No, Cas. Look, he hasn’t been right since you left. He couldn’t even bring himself to say outloud that you’d died.” Sam sighs “He’s pretty much been a shell for the last 6 months”
“6 months? I was gone that long?”
Sam nods
“Do you think he will ever forgive me?”
“Of course he will, Cas. It’s Dean. Listen, I won’t betray his confidence but just trust me when I say give him time?”
Castiel nods in Sam’s direction at the same time Dean’s hospital door swings open. Both Sam and Cas get to their feet as Dean, clutching his ribs exits his room, slightly hunched over as he struggles to remain upright
“Dean! What are you doing, you shouldn’t be out of bed, go back—“
“I need to get out of here, Sam, I’m signing myself out” Dean says, completely ignoring Cas’ presence just to his right.
“Dean, you have suffered a huge trauma, you need to recover—“
“Sam quit being a mother hen and just get me out of here, I’ve made up my mind”
Cas remains silent as the brothers battle back and forth. Sam sighs knowing he isn’t going to win this fight.
“Fine. Just at least take a seat and I’ll find a nurse to get the paperwork. Cas -“ Sam says, turning to face Castiel “you must be hungry, why don’t you go grab yourself a sandwich while we wait, could take awhile”
Dean’s eyes flick sharply toward Cas for the first time, his voice hard as he spoke
“Why would you be hungry?” Dean already knew the answer but he needed to hear it from Cas anyway
“My grace is...gone” Cas answers quietly, his eyes soft as he looks at Dean, noting his grey complexion. “I’m fine, thank you, Sam” he says, his eyes never leaving Dean’s face.
Dean huffs, shaking his head as he turns from Castiel “Damn dumbass” he grunts as he begins to make his way toward the exit, not wanting to hang around a minute longer than he has to.
“Fuck the paperwork”

++++++

The journey back to the bunker is tense, silent and awkward. Sam tries to fill the silence with the radio which Dean swiftly flicks off, citing a headache. He attempts to engage Cas in conversation only to receive monosyllabic responses. If this was a sign of what was to come then Sam was not looking forward to it.

The trio silently enter the bunker, Dean shrugging off any attempt from Sam to help him. The first and only time Dean perks up is when he sees Miracle come bounding towards them in greeting, excitedly whimpering in Dean’s face as he gingerly bends to ruffle his hand against Miracle’s head
“Hey boy, did’ya miss me?” Miracle licks at Dean’s hand in response
“Missed you too, fella” Dean turns to Sam, not acknowledging Castiel at all.
“I’m heading to bed, I’ll see you tomorrow”
“Dean can I—“ Castiel begins but is once again ignored in favour of the dog
“Let’s go, Miracle, c’mon” Dean pats his thigh once as he calls on Miracle, who stubbornly goes to sit at Cas’ feet. Dean stops and stares in disbelief, Miracle never once before turning him down.
“Miracle! C’mon, let’s go!” He repeats. And he swears he sees Miracle lean further into Cas, who, at least, as the good grace to look very awkward as he side eyes Miracle at his feet. Dean clenches his jaw, huffing as he turns away, mumbling “traitor” underneath his breath and grumbling to himself about cheating dogs as he makes his way to his room.
Dean doesn’t bother to pull back the covers as he carefully slides his body down on to his beloved memory foam mattress, his body almost groaning in relief as it moulds to his aching limbs.
Dean’s head was fucked. Just massively fucked. Cas was back. He’d fantasised about this, saw it every time he closed his eyes. He pictured embracing Cas in the most fierce of hugs, he imagined, like he had so many times over the years, grabbing his face and kissing him senseless. What he hadn’t imagined was the burning rage which he currently felt towards him. A rage that he couldn’t shake. It was contradicting what he really wanted to do - hold him and tell him he was missed. Tell him to never leave again, to stay. Just....stay. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t even look at him. And he wanted to. God, did he want to. But he just couldn’t. If he did, he was afraid that he would disappear, be a mirage, a figment of his fucked up imagination. Dean scrubbed a hand over his stubbled face. He was drained, physically and mentally exhausted. A soft knock raps on the door, Dean didn’t need to ask who it was. His belly flipped in a way he hadn’t felt in the last 6 months as Cas appeared in the door way, his eyes sad and weary. It caught Dean somewhere below his ribs that he really didn’t want to pay too much attention to right now.
“May I come in for a moment?” Cas asks
Dean bit the inside of his cheek “fine. Sure. Whatever”
“Dean, I’m sorry for everything” Castiel says
“You’re sorry?”
Cas nods.
“I am. I believe I’ve made you very uncomfortable which isn’t my intention so I think it’s best that I— that I leave. At least for now”
Dean sits up abruptly, wincing in pain.
“Why the hell do you always do that?”
Cas looks at Dean, his brows furrowing slightly “what?”
“What? You’re asking ‘what’?” Dean’s voice struggling to remain levelled. “Why is your answer to everything always to leave? Why do you always leave me, Cas?”
“I don’t understand, Dean. You’re angry. I’ve apologised but I don’t think you want to hear if”
This conversation seemed all to familiar to Dean. He wasn’t having it, not again
“Now you just stop right there. The last time we had this conversation you implied that you wanted me to ask you to stay. So here I am telling you to stay. For once you stick the hell around and you deal with your shit like we all have to, dammit”
Dean wanted to take back the venom in his voice, he didn’t want to direct this anger toward Cas. What he wanted to do was—
Cas interrupted his thoughts as he tentatively approached the end of Dean’s bed.
“May I sit?” He asks quietly. Dean nods and watches as Cas sits at the end of his bed, folding his hands in his lap with a sigh. Dean notes he looks tired and he couldn’t help the twist of concern coiling in the pit of his stomach.
His voice was softer as he asked Cas “are you ok?”
Cas sighs. “Yes, Dean. But that is not of importance. I feel I need to redeem myself to you, and I shall, if you give me the chance” Cas risked a look in Dean’s direction. Their gazes held for Dean didn’t know how long. His fingers twitched into the fabric of his bedsheets, desperately wanting to reach out to Castiel.
“I feel your anger toward me, and for that I am sorry but—“ Castiel took a weary breath before he continued “I am not sorry for the things I told you. I can never be sorry for that.”
“Wait...that’s why you— you think I’m angry over the fact that you said what you said?” Anger flamed again inside Dean’s gut.
“Jesus Christ” Dean bit out “That’s not why I am angry. Actually I’m not angry, I’m damn well furious!” Dean took a steadying breath as he turned further to better see Castiel
“182 days. 4380 hours. Two-hundred and sixty two thousand eight hundred minutes. SIX MONTHS, Cas! That is how long I had to sit with the fact that my best friend sacrificed his life for me, 182 days I had to sit on the fact that you died because of me. Again. Not to mention your little speech before hand! Sure it might have made you feel free or whatever but what the fuck do you think it did to me knowing that and not having the opportunity to respond? It was the most selfish, self righteous, dickish move you have ever pulled and you have pulled some crap in your time, man”
“Dean I—“
“ You know what, Cas? I can’t do this now. Look, I’m glad you’re here, man. Really, I am. You have no idea but—I just can’t right now”
“ I understand, Dean. I will give you all the time you need” Castiel said as he stood. Dean felt a slight panic run through him
“You’re not leaving” it was a statement rather than a question
“Dean, unless you order me away, I will be right here. There’s nowhere I’d rather be” Cas adds, quietly. Dean nods curtly a lump forming in his throat. And there was nowhere else he’d want Cas to be other than here. And if he so happened to want him curled beside him in his bed well that was something no one else needed to know.

++++++++++++++++

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since Castiel had been back. Two weeks of awkward silence. Two weeks of furtive glances. Two weeks of adjusting to his new humanity. Two weeks of mourning his grace. Two weeks, 8 hours and 42 minutes of longing for the return of Dean’s friendship. They exchanged pleasantries enough, like they were strangers in the street. It left a hollow feeling within Castiel’s chest. He exiled himself to his room, keeping to himself, every day waking with a new hope that today may be the day that Dean would wish to talk. Each day passed without event. And without Dean.

Dean sat opposite Sam at the library table, twisting his near empty coffee cup around in his hands, lost in his own thoughts as was the norm of late. Sam snapped his laptop shut with a sigh.
“Ok dude, this has got to stop.”
Sam said across the table at Dean
“What?”
“ you know what, Dean! This moping. The dramatic sighs. The staring at Cas when you think no one is looking...”
“Shut up, Sam” Dean quips
“You can’t keep this up, Dean. Cas is miserable, you’re miserable... you need to talk it out”
“Sure, because that’s totally my thing”
“Make it your thing. Dean, does Cas even know that you...?”
Dean knew exactly what Sam was hinting at and he wasn’t going there. He just wasn’t.
He gave Sam a hard stare
“So what,?” Sam said “you’re just never going to tell him how you feel? You’re such a jerk” he said shaking his head
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. What are you so afraid of?” Sam asks pointedly. “You’re Bi. So what!”
“I’m WHAT?!” Dean exclaimed “when the fuck did I ever say that?! I’m not Bi, Sam. I’m not into guys.” There was a high speed panic rising in Dean’s voice “I like women. Like, REALLY like women. All women. Black women, white women, Asian women, blondes, brunettes, red heads, tall women, short women, slim women, voluptuous women. All women, Sam”
Sam held up his hands defensively, a slight grin on his features. “Ok, I got it! You like women. But...one fact remains, you still have feelings for Cas”
Dean sighs, running his hands over his face. He gives up.
“Yeah so?” This was the closest he’d been to actually admitting it to anyone aloud.
“So..? Don’t you want to explore what that could mean?”
Dean avoids looking at Sam, shifting uncomfortably in his seat
“I don’t know, man. I’ve never— I’m not—into guys”
“But you are into Cas” Sam states matter of fact
“Sexuality isn’t black and white, Dean, you don’t need to label yourself”
“Jesus Christ” Dean groans, dropping his forehead to the table “we are not having this conversation” he moans, his voice muffled against the table.
Sam, the relentless little shit that he is, ignores him.
“Ok so you’re not bisexual, fine. Maybe you’re just...Cas-sexual” Dean’s head snaps up abruptly, glaring stoney faced at his brother “did you just say that?” Sam looking too pleased with himself for Dean’s liking
“if you ever, and I mean like EVER, say that word around me again, I will shoot you in the face. Hard.” Sam grins seeing a glimpse of the Dean he knows for the first time since Cas returned.
“Look man, seriously. You know I’m ok with this, right? You deserve some happiness, Dean, and if you can find that with Cas then you should” Sam stands from the table collecting his things “Talk to him Dean, you know you want to” Sam leaves the library and Dean with his thoughts.

+++++++

Castiel lounges on his bed with Miracle next to him, who has become quite the companion the last few weeks, much to Dean’s Chagrin.
“Still holding my dog hostage I see” Dean stands in the doorway of Castiel’s room, arms folded as he leans against the frame
Castiel looks up from his paperback, surprised but pleased to see Dean speaking to him.
“I believe it may be the other way around, he refuses to leave my side”
Dean grunts feeling stupidly jealous of his own dog. He shook away the thought.
“Hey...uh...do you want to go for a ride, there’s something I’d like to show you”
Cas’ brows briefly knitted together
“I’d like that”
“Meet you at the car in 10 minutes?”
“Yes, of course”
Dean nods and exits Cas’s room.

The weather was sunny but still cool for the time of year. Dean’s breath caught in his throat as he made his way to the Impala. Cas stood, leaning against the passenger side door, wearing a black leather jacket. He had light scruff and his head tilted back toward the sun, his eyes closed as he soaked up its warmth. Dean’s footsteps faltered as he took in the sight before him. How was this man real?
Dean cleared his throat, announcing his presence. Cas was startled back from whatever path he had been on
“You ready?” Dean asked, his voice slightly husky
“Of course. Where are we going?” Cas asked as they got into the car, the engine purring to life. Seeing Dean behind the wheel of his beloved car was one of Cas’s favourite things about living life on earth.
“You’ll see when we get there” Dean said with a slight smile and Cas saw the first glimpse of the Dean he loved since being back.
Their journey was quiet, neither one of them made an attempt to converse but it wasn’t uncomfortable for the first time. Cas studied the world as it sped by the window, his thoughts calm for the first time in what seemed to be quite a while, but Dean could have that affect on him.
He felt the car slow to a stop and he took in his surroundings.
“Why are we here?” He asked Dean, confusion across his face. Dean pulled the keys from the ignition
“C’mon, out you get”
They both stepped from the car and met at the front
“I don’t understand why we are here, Dean”
“You will. It’s time we talked, Cas” Dean said as he walked ahead.

Castiel knew this place. He had awoken here the first time The Empty has ejected him. They came to a stop.
“I know this place” Cas said
Dean nodded as they both took in their surroundings.
Soft, wild flowers were scattered across the meadow’s ground and the air was buzzing with bees and the odd butterfly. In the distance the babbling brook could be heard amongst the trees, and the windmill creaked with age.
Dean’s deep, gruff voice was a stark contrast to the peaceful atmosphere of the meadow as it broke the silence.
“I never told you about this place” Dean began “After Lucifer...after he...” Cas understood what Dean was saying “After we burned your ashes, I came here alone and scattered them. I wanted somewhere I thought that you’d like, somewhere peaceful, y’know?”
“It’s beautiful here, Dean” They caught each other’s eye, and Cas smiled encouragingly at Dean. And in that moment, something in Dean turned. His heart thudded against his chest.
“Fuck, man. I’ve missed you” and finally. Finally, he pulled Castiel into his arms.
“Cas, I— I need to say something, something I didn’t have the chance to before” he said as he stepped away so he could look at Cas. Cas felt immediately bereft.
“I’m listening, Dean”
Dean was about to flip the script.
“Ever since I was a kid, I always wondered what my true happiness could look like. I never found an answer because the one thing I wanted, it was something that I never thought would be on the cards for me. But someone once told me that happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being, it’s in saying it. And I’m ready now, Cas. I’m ready to say it”

“Dean” Cas breathed “you don’t have to—“

“Please. Just let me talk, man.”
Cas listened.

“I know how you see yourself, Cas. You’re unwanted, Worthless, self-hating. You’re your father’s soldier. And your sense of duty and responsibility, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you, sees it. Everything you have done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You saved this whole world for love. You rebelled against heaven for love. That is who you are, Cas. You know, ever since you pulled me out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Until you, I had no faith. Because you believed in this world, I believed. I believed in all of us. I believed in all of it because of you. You changed me, Cas.”

“Dean I—“
Dean reached out and fisted Cas’s jacket, pulling him in, his hands cupping his face as he felt Cas’s hands rest softly and naturally against his waist. Dean rests his forehead on Cas’s, his eyes closing briefly as the words he was yet to speak bubbled slowly from the depths they had been pushed to for the last decade.
Dean’s thumbs circled Cas’s cheeks and he swallowed thickly.
“Jesus, Cas. You’re everything. You’re damn well everything to me. You have to know that, man” Dean whispered, an almost desperate plea to his voice.
“I love you” he said finally. And he felt the breath leave Cas’s body as he felt a warm tear hit the pad of his thumb
“I love you, too, Dean”
There in the meadow that he had said goodbye to Cas in, Dean finally opened his heart to Castiel, the truth of his words hanging heavy in the air around them.
“Open your eyes”
Castiel opened his eyes, looking at Dean, blue eyes on green
“Heya, Cas”
“Hello, Dean”
“Fair warning, I’m going to kiss you now”
He felt Castiel swallow as he moved in. It wasn’t a perfect kiss, it was tentative, nervous, but it was them. It was finally all them.

Chapter Text

Dean’s world had narrowed to the feel of Cas’s Lips moving against his own. His fingers curling into the soft hair at the back of Cas’s neck. He was kissing Cas. Cas was kissing him back. It felt like constellations bursting in his stomach as he takes Cas’s lower lip between his own, he tasted like honey and cinnamon. Ecstasy sings through his blood as 10 years of longing and need is culminated in the sweep of Cas’s tongue against the seam of his bottom lip. Bliss. Pure gratification is what this was. Dean pulled Cas in closer as their kiss stilled to a stop, their breaths intermingled as they rested their foreheads together.
“You ok?” Dean croaked in a whisper after a moment.
“I think I feel...dizzy” Cas replied. Dean let out a small laugh.
“Sit with me” Dean said as he pulled Cas to the grass below, they sat cross-legged, mirroring each other.
“It really is beautiful here, Dean. You chose well. The windmill is a nice touch”
“I hoped you would like it, it felt very zen, y’know? I’d come here some nights, you know, to feel close to you, when I couldn’t sleep” Dean said quietly, focusing on the blade of grass between his fingers. “I’d come here and I’d beg for you to come back like a needy dumbass” Cas was silent just allowing Dean his moment. “My world falls apart when you’re gone, Cas. Grief is fucked, man. It’s like I lost you piece by piece rather than all at once, y’know?” Dean risks a glance up at Cas who’s eyes are trained directly on his face, listening intently. Dean goes back to focusing on the blade of grass in his hands as he continues “it’s like gradually I accumulated the parts of you that were gone and then a day would come when there was a particular missing part — it could have been seeing your name flash up on my phone or the sound of your voice — that overwhelmed me with the reminder that you were gone” Dean discards the blade of grass, replacing it with the lace of his boot “It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you've accepted that someone is out of your life, that you've grieved and it's over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you've lost that person all over again.”
There a beat of silence as Cas and Dean study each other
“Grief is so curious” Cas says. “one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. Then It can bring you to your knees” Cas trails off quietly as Dean watches him, knowing he is speaking of his grace
Dean reaches out a hand, hooking his pinky finger around Cas’ index finger
“You’re missing your grace” Dean states
“I’ve taken solace in the emptiness” he says directly
“Fuck, I’m so sorry Cas. I’ve been such a dick lately. I should have been there for you and I was too wrapped up in my own shit. I should have been a better...friend” he says with a level of vulnerability behind his words
Cas looks at him then
“Is that what we are? ‘Friends?’”
Dean shrugs sheepishly
“I’m scared, Cas. I’ve never— I mean, I don’t want to fuck this up. There’s a lot to lose here and I tend to destroy everything I touch”
“You don’t see yourself clearly at all” Cas says as he wraps his hand around Dean’s “I wish you could see yourself from my point of view”
Dean feels his cheeks heat slightly “Cas, man. You can’t say shit like that to me”
“I can and I will”
Dean swallows audibly feeling slightly shy when an idea comes to him
“Let’s go away some place, just you and me. Bobby has a cabin just outside of Strawberry Hill. We could head up there for a while, so we have time to figure this thing out. What do you say, Cas? Fancy a vacation?”
Cas’s impossibly beautiful face breaks out with a smile
“I think I’d like that”
Dean watches Cas for a brief moment before he gets to his knees and moves in to press his lips firmly to his
“I want this to work, Cas. I want— I want you. I think it’s always been you”
“You and me?” Cas asks and Dean nods
“You and me”

Chapter Text

Every step and every choice Castiel had made up to this point had lead him to this moment here with Dean, driving along the highway, Miracle asleep between them. From the moment that his grace had wrapped around his soul in perdition Castiel’s fate was sealed. He loved Dean Winchester with all the madness in his soul. He loved Dean Winchester before he even knew what Love was.

Bobby’s cabin was nestled amongst the cedars, settled comfortably against the private boat dock. It was the perfect place to getaway. Secluded enough for privacy but not so secluded that it bypassed all civilisation. The old ramshackle wood was fixed with a golden glow as the sun set behind the trees.
As the impala rumbled to a stop, Dean, groaned and cricked his neck. His early 40’s wasn’t kind to him these days as he sat in the car for hours on end. His insides twisted with anxiety. Or was it excitement? He couldn’t quite compartmentalise everything he was feeling, especially not when Cas was sitting next to him, his fingers absently running through Miracle’s fur (as if seeing the man he loved love his damn dog wasn’t enough to do him in, goddammit!) looking sinful dressed all in black, his hair sporting that freshly fucked look, and his jawline which was peppered with two days worth of stubble. Throwing their shit into a couple of duffle bags and bidding farewell to the bunker was the best idea Dean had had in a long while. The two hour drive was comfortable, charged with a heat that Dean couldn’t quite place; not sexual heat but heat all the same. They swapped silent glances, and shy smiles, anticipation abuzz in the close air of the Impala.
Both Dean and Cas stepped out of the car and met at the trunk, Dean almost tripping over an overexcited Miracle. Maybe bringing a dog, who he was 99.9% sure had canine ADHD wasn’t the best idea but he loved that dog and he wasn’t about to leave him behind, no way, no how “over bearing mother” snipes from Sammy be damned.
“I’ll get the bags” Dean said as he pulled open the trunk and lifted the bags on to his shoulder. Slamming the trunk shut, he smiled shyly at Cas, reaching out to hold his fingertips. No words were needed as Dean lead them both up the rickety old steps, each one creaking beneath their feet. The old seat swing swung softly against the afternoon breeze and Dean thought that it will be nice to sit there with Cas and a couple beers one night, and the thought made his chest swell. Dean reluctantly let go of Cas’ hand, bending to retrieve the key hidden beneath a wooden slat on the porch floor. His palm pushed open the old wooden door that had seen better days, the warding had been up so long it was a barely noticeable stain upon the grey wood.
The cabin hadn’t been inhabited in a while, a dank, musty smell hung in the air and the haphazard, uncoordination of the room made Dean’s skin itch as he made a mental note to put things in order while he was here.
Cas followed behind Dean as he made his way to the back of the cabin to the only bedroom. One bed. One double bed. Both Cas and Dean looked at each other somewhat awkwardly
“If it would make you more comfortable I can take the couch” Cas said quietly, as he stood beside Dean in the door way of the bedroom.
“Like hell” Dean replied and before he knew what he was doing he had Cas pressed up against the doorframe with his body, Dean’s hands placed either side of Cas’s head. Cas’ breath hitched and his heart hammered against his ribs. “I’ve waited too damn long to have you in my bed, Cas. I’m done with waiting.”
“Dean” Cas breathed out “we don’t have to—“
Dean took a step back, giving Cas space.
“Cas...” Dean started shyly “Don’t you want to...?”
“Oh trust me, I want to” Cas said with an almost comically adamant expression “I know that you have only been with women and this body is...very male”
Dean stepped further into the bedroom, removing his jacket and throwing it to the corner of the room to be dealt with later.
“C’mere” Dean said, beckoning Cas over who complied immediately. Dean pushed Cas’ leather jacket from his shoulders, throwing it on top of his. Cas squinted his eyes and tilted his head in that very Cas way of his.
“Dean, is this a seduction?”
Dean laughed lightly
“A seduction?” Dean shook his head “not right this second, but take a load off, we had a long trip. Come and lie on the bed with me?”
They both slipped on to the bed, facing each other.
Dean studied Cas for a moment.
“Hey Cas, can I ask you something?”
“Of course, Dean”
“Are you worried that I’m not attracted to you because you’re a man?”
Cas looked away for a beat before answering
“It’s a concern, yes. But, I understand”
“I want to explain something to you, Cas.” Dean took a breath, turning on to his back. He found it easier to talk this way.
“Ever since I was about 13 or 14, I’ve been attracted to other men just as much as I have girls” He’d said it. It was out and he hadn’t started Apocalypse attempt number 5,432. “I’ve never acted on it, that’s not something a son of John Winchester would do” He risked a look at Castiel who was watching him with nothing but compassion and love adorning his features. Knowing Cas was listening was encouragement enough for him to continue talking
“When I was about 19, we were working a case in Oklahoma, it was during pride month. Driving through the parade....Well, you can figure out how that went down ‘if any kid of mine pranced around like that, he’d have the queer kicked out of him’” Dean related “and he looked at me as though he was giving me a warning, as though he knew. It was probably just paranoia but that’s how it felt at the time. He said real men don’t act like fags. Real men can handle a good woman in their bed.” Dean laughed sardonically “So...I pushed it down. Even after he died...I thought it might have been easier, y’know? It wasn’t.”
Dean turned back on to his side, mirroring Cas and propping himself up on his elbow.
“And then you came along and knocked me on my ass” he grinned
Castiel reached out his hand to cup Dean’s cheek, Dean’s eyes closed briefly as he leaned into the warm touch, relishing in the tingle that ghosted down his spine
“You deserved better, Dean.” Castiel said simply.
“You are the first person I’ve ever told, not even Sammy knows”
Cas shifts closer to Dean, his thumb playing at the corner of his lips
“Thank you for telling me” he says quietly.
Dean’s eyes naturally drop to Cas’ lips, without much thought Dean nips the tip of Castiel’s thumb, eliciting the tiniest of moans from the back of Castiel’s throat.
Dean fists Cas’ shirt
“Kiss me? Cas, please kiss me” Dean practically begs, suddenly overcome with a desperate need for Cas. Just Cas.

Castiel didn’t hesitate. He moved in pressing his lips to Dean’s. It started soft, tentative but sweet, Dean’s hand skirting up over Cas’ shoulder to rest on the back of his neck, pulling him in further. Dean’s tongue sought entry into the warm cavern of Cas’ mouth, both of their breaths hitching upon on the dual meeting of their tongues. Cas’ hand slid down to Dean’s thigh, hitching it over his hip so now there was no part of their bodies that wasn’t touching. Dean ached almost painfully with the need to be closer to Cas. He needed this. He wanted this. This, this was a decade in the making.
“Cas...” he breathed against Castiel’s mouth
“Hmm?” Cas replies distractedly
“Lemme show you how much I want you, how much I love you”
“Dean, if you’re not ready...”
“I’m not sure I’m ready to go all the way yet, just...please, Cas. Please touch me. I need you. I need you, Cas”
Cas crushed his lips to Dean’s, rolling him on to his back. Dean’s hand found its way beneath Cas’ tshirt, his finger tips kissing over his heating skin
“Can we take this off?” Dean asked
Cas didn’t speak. He leaned away from Dean and pulled his shirt over his head, discarding it to the floor. He pulled at the hem of Dean’s Henley indicating that he wanted it off. Dean obliged and suddenly there was skin on skin. Dean’s fingers played and twisted in Cas’s hair whilst Cas’s lips teased at the column of Dean’s theoat. In Dean’s fantasies, he imagined that Cas would be nervous and timid but he was wrong. Cas in reality was confident and assured and Dean was shocked but certainly not displeased to find he was more than happy to be submissive.
Castiel’s fingers toyed at Dean’s belt buckle
“Can I?” He asked looking up at Dean, with a gruff voice laced with sex, his eyes blown wide with lust and his cheeks stained a delicious light pink.
“Jesus, Cas. Your voice is made for sex.” Dean said, his hips instinctively pushing up against Cas, seeking the friction he desperately needs.
Cas groans at the contact
“Want you so bad, Cas. Wanted it for so long”
Cas works Dean’s belt and jeans undone, Cas’s finger tips brushing the solid bulge beneath the material
“Fuck, you’ve barely touched me and I’m ready to blow” Dean says breathlessly “get these off” He says tugging at Cas’s jeans. They both work out of their own clothes, tossing them aside, their eyes never leaving eachother.
“You’re so beautiful,” Cas murmurs, caught in a dizzying spiral of lust and awe. “I always thought so. From the first moment I saw your soul, you were always so, so undeniably beautiful.”
“Shit, Cas. You can’t just —“
Cas cuts him off with a searing kiss, it’s deep and it’s desperate. Dean’s teeth clamp down on Cas’ full lower lip, pulling it between his teeth.
Dean pulls back, his eyes roaming over Cas.
“Fuck Cas, look at you,” Dean whispers, ghosting his nails over Castiel’s back.
“So fucking gorgeous.” The trail of wet kisses that Dean lays on his neck makes Castiel groan and tilt his head back. “Want you so bad.” Dean repeats into his skin.
Two strong hands land on Dean’s hips, positioning him to his back. Dean opens his legs in invitation, Castiel creating a home for himself there. Castiel’s eyes land on Dean’s, never leaving as he licks a wet stripe up the centre of his own palm and then his hand is wrapped around Dean’s solid cock.
“Jesus fuck, Cas” he moans his back arching from the bed “Feels so fucking good, I’ve imagined this for so long” Dean gasped
Cas’ hand worked in long strokes, his thumb teasing the tip as his lips sucked into the skin of his hip bones. Dean’s fingers curled into Cas’ hair
“Cas, mouth. Please. I want your mouth on—oh my...fuck” Dean’s hips jerked upward as Castiel swallowed him down slowly, every solid inch being warmed by the wet tunnel of Cas’ mouth
Dean rests up on his elbows to watch, deciding that the sight of his dick in Cas’ mouth is the hottest fucking thing that’s ever happened to him. And then Cas looks up at him through his lashes, watching him sinfully as he slides his lips back up to the the flushed tip, slowly and teasingly twisting his tongue over the slit
“Fucking Christ—that’s it, baby, do it just like that” Dean’s head lolled back as Cas uses the flat of his tongue to caress the underside of Dean’s cock. Dean was dangerously close to tipping over the edge and that wasn’t going to happen until he’d got his hands on Cas. He leaned up and pulled Cas upward
“C’mere” he pushed his lips to Cas’s, squirming slightly at the salty taste of himself on Cas’s lips but deciding it was kinda hot.
Dean ran his hand down the centre of Cas’ body until he reached the solid, velvet length of Castiel’s cock
Cas jerked into his hand, a rough moan escaping his lips. The sound making Dean’s cock twitch in response.
“Dean” Cas sounded wrecked
“Do you like that, Cas? Does that feel good?” Dean gripped him a little more firmly working off what he knew he himself liked.
“So good, Dean” Cas dropped his forehead to the crook of Dean’s neck, his hot breath hitting rapidly against Dean’s clammy skin. Cas’s hips jerked into Dean’s fist
“That’s it, baby, fuck my hand” Cas bit into Dean’s neck, snaking a hand down to fist at his cock.
“Wait, Cas. Sit up for me” Dean breathed harshly, his cock was painfully throbbing against Cas’s palm.
“So we can watch each other” Dean explained “I wanna see”
“Dean, I don’t think I’ll last long” Castiel breathed, his lips swollen and spit slicked
“I know, me too. Now touch me” Castiel did as was instructed, his hand wrapping around Dean as Dean’s hand wrapped around him
“Jesus Christ, look at us. Looks so hot, Cas. You look so hot”
Cas thrusted into the tight tunnel created by Dean’s fist, Dean’s eyes transfixed on his thigh muscles
“Dean— Dean, I’m so— oh it feels so good, please Dean” Castiel didn’t know what he was asking for
“I’ve got you, sunshine” Dean said as he pulled him close, flicking his wrist on the up stroke as he thrust into Cas’s hand “I got you”
Cas’ head lolled back as he became nothing but sensation, his nerve endings singing beneath the surface of his skin
“I’m so close Cas. Please don’t stop” Deans head dropped to Cas’ chest as he watched their hands working eachother, mirroring each other’s rhythm. The deep growl that left Cas’s mouth coiled Dean’s stomach, he felt his muscles tighten and his balls draw up. He was going to blow his load so damn hard, he couldn’t hold on any longer
“Cas! Fuck! I’m going to— mmmm shit— Cas!”
Cas leaned in against Dean’s ear, and in that sinfully gravelled voice he said “come for me, Dean” Dean stilled against Cas as Cas worked him with a merciless speed of his wrist.
“Holy fucking shit—fuccckkk” Dean cried as he spilled over Cas’ hand in thick, hot spurts. Cas slowed to a steady rhythm, working Dean down from his orgasm, his eyes never leaving him “so beautiful, Dean” Cas said, his voice awed.
Dean managed with difficulty to lean up and continue his strokes of Cas’ length
“Your turn” Dean said. Cas pushed Dean’s hand away, pushing him back to the bed
“What are—“ Dean began until it was very clear what Cas was doing. Dean grinned
“You want me to watch you get yourself off?”
“Yes, I’ve fantasised about this” Cas confessed
Dean lay back and trained his eyes on Castiel
“Fuck you’re so gorgeous” Dean said
Cas leaned down and kissed Dean long and deep before sitting back up astride his hip and he watched Dean as Dean watched him take himself in hand, the same hand that was covered in Dean
“Fuck me, you look so—“ Dean says. Yeah, do it Like that. Gonna look so fucking good when you come, baby, feels so good, huh? I love watching you like this, watching you fuck your self for me. You like it, Cas? You like touching yourself for me?”
Cas bucked into his hand and Dean couldn’t resist. He placed a hand on Cas’ hip and the other hand over Cas’ and they worked him together
“I want you to Come on me, baby. lemme see you, show me how hard you can come all over me. Shit, look at you, so fucking gorgeous. Let me hear you, Cas. I want to hear every little noise you’ve got. Give it to me, come on”
Dean felt Cas’ body tense atop him
“Let it go, baby, I’ve got you” and that was all it took. Cas fell forward, his hand gripping to the head board as he and Dean jerked his cock together, spilling hot stripes of cum over Dean’s chest
Heedless of the mess between them Cas fell forward, spent onto Dean’s chest. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ trembling body, pressing a kiss to his temple.
“I love you” he whispered into Cas’ sweat damp hair
“I know” he felt Cas grin into his neck “I think I always knew”
Dean’s body was spent. But he’d never felt more alive than right now, right here with the man he loved looking thoroughly fucked, lying on top of him.
Maybe Cas was right all those years ago. Maybe, just maybe, good things did happen.

Chapter Text

Dean awakens with a delightful, sated heaviness to his body and he reaches out a hand across the bed, blindly searching in the dark for Castiel but the space is empty. Panic starts to bubble in the very pit of his stomach.
“Cas?” He whispers out, why he is whispering he doesn’t know. He pushed the sheets away from his body, searching for his jeans in the darkness of the room. He comes across a pair that are marginally too small, he realises they are Cas’. He leaves the fly open and forgoes a tshirt, too focused on finding Cas. He wouldn’t leave, would he? What if, after what happened between them he decided Dean wasn’t what he wanted after all? The panic was now radiating throughout Dean’s body as he padded across the bedroom and out of the door. The sight of Castiel in the kitchen with his back to him stopped him in his tracks, the relief that he was here almost flooring him. He was having a quiet conversation with Miracle, feeding him something from a small paper bag. Before he considered it, Dean’s legs were quickly carrying him across the kitchen towards Castiel. He reached him in a few swift steps and he was turning him in his arms. Without a word he crushed his lips to him kissing him with an almost aggressive desperation he’d never felt. It wasn’t sexual, this was emotional. He had Castiel’s face in his hands, holding him steady as the kiss deepened painfully. Cas was pulling away but this only spurred Dean on.
“Dean—“ Cas was saying against his lips, trying for his attention. He eventually managed to separate their lips, both breathless.
“Dean what’s wrong?” Castiel was concerned, this was a kiss laced with something other than heat or passion, this was a kiss laced with fear and sadness.
Dean’s forehead dropped to Castiel’s shoulder as he worked to regain control of his breathing.
“I thought you were gone” he whispered, voice thick with emotion.
“Cas, you wasn’t there and I thought you were gone” Suddenly the weight of everything that had happened over the last few months, fell down on to Dean.
Cas’s confession.
Cas being claimed by the Empty.
Cas being gone.
Dean nearly dying.
Cas returning
Dean admitting his feelings
Finally being with Cas the way he’d always wanted.
It overwhelmed him.
A sob broke out from the depths of his stomach, hitting Cas’s skin, striking at his heart. He encircled his arms around Dean and held on tightly, Dean’s fingers twisted into the material of his tshirt.
“Dean, it’s ok” Cas soothed as he manoeuvred them so he was able to frame Dean’s face within the palms of his hands and he held his gaze steady.
“Sweetheart, it’s ok. I’m right here and it’s all ok” Cas leaned in and pressed his lips softly to Dean’s. Then he kissed each tear away, the salt dancing on his tongue.
“I’m sorry I worried you. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to disturb you”
Dean nodded his understanding, a blush creeping on to his cheeks.
“Don’t ever leave me, Cas. Not again, ok? I wouldn’t survive if”
Cas’s thumbs stroked over the blush on his cheeks, was there a thing more beautiful than Dean Winchester?
“Where else would I go, Dean? I’ve waited my whole existence for you, now that I have you—“ Dean cut him off with a searing kiss.
“I’m an idiot” Dean said as he rest his forehead against Cas’
“You’re my idiot” Cas grinned and returned Dean’s kiss. “I was going to watch the sunrise. Would you care to join me?”
“ ‘Kay” Dean nodded and Cas laced their fingers together, leading them to the creaky porch swing.
The air was slightly damp but not cold and the stars were still shining against the vast blanket of the sky. Dean studied Cas as Cas watched the sky. The last of the moonlight illuminating his face, making his skin appear almost translucent. Dean was mesmerised.
“What are you looking at?” Dean asked after a beat, his voice still croaky.
“Do You see those cluster of stars just to the left there?” Castiel signaled with a hand
“Mmmhmm?”
“They are called Apus, or ‘Bird of Paradise’ - I made those” Cas said, his voice laced with nostalgia.
“Show off” Dean replied, peppering soft kisses against Cas’ temple. He looked at the stars briefly but his eyes were magnetised to Cas
Cas chuckled. Dean loved that sound.
“Cas...do you miss it?” Dean’s voice was layered with vulnerability, what he really wanted to know was ‘are you happy? Do I make you happy? Am I enough?’
Cas paused a beat before he answered.
“When Metatron stole my grace, I didn’t know my place in the world. I didn’t know what my purpose was. I was...lost. But now...Dean, now I know what it is like to look at you through human eyes, to feel your touch, to give and receive pleasure from you....to hear you say you love me... Dean, there is nothing that I would or could want more than that.”
Dean’s forehead dropped to rest on Cas’s shoulder blade.
“Fuck, Cas. I’m so in love with you, man” Dean’s voice was barely a whisper, filled with emotion. Cas turned to face him “I never knew it could feel like this”
“See?” He said quietly as he reached up a hand to cup Dean’s cheek, stroking a soft circle in to his skin
“There’s nothing better than that feeling”
“Cas, I’m—“ Dean swallowed thickly before he continued “I’m broken. You deserve more than me but I think...I think I’m too selfish to give you up”
Cas carded his fingers through Dean’s hair
“You are damaged and broken and so am I. But so are shooting stars and comets.” Cas said as he stole a look at the stars.
“Dean, There are many things I don’t know, but quite a few that I do. I know you can’t be lost if you know where you are. I know that life is full of precious and fragile things, and not all of them are pretty. I know that the sun follows the moon and makes days, one after another. Time passes. The world turns, and we turn with it, and though we can never go back to the beginning, sometimes, we can start again. Perhaps we can have a new beginning. We fit, you and I,” Cas whispered looking into that transfixed green gaze. “Two broken pieces making a whole”
Dean’s eyes stung with moisture and he could do nothing but lean in and press a kiss to Castiel’s lips, hoping it would say everything that he couldn’t voice,
And there, as the wrens sang their first melody of the day and the sun broke above the skyline, was a new beginning.

Chapter Text

Castiel was irritated. He was too warm. There was a hot, wet prickliness nuzzling into his neck and something was tickling against the bare skin of his chest. He groaned irritably as he was so rudely awoken from his sleep.
“Mornin’ Sunshine” a sleep thick voice said in to the crook of his neck. He recognised it instantly as his most favourite voice in the world. It was deep, gruff, and lust filled. He felt a warm, wet tongue sweep over his pulse point, and lips sucking seductively at the skin. Castiel Sighed deeply in pleasure, his body instantly responding to the touch, his neck angling upward as if on instinct to expose more of his neck to Dean.
“Why are you waking me up, Dean?” Cas said, trying to play grumpy but failing miserably. Usually he would be incredibly irritable at this hour but having Dean wake him like this, how could he be?
“Shut up” Dean said as he rolled on top of Cas, rolling his hips into his, his hard length grinding against Cas, sparking his own arousal
“You’re insatiable” Cas said as his hips instinctively met Dean’s in a filthy grind, eliciting a moan from between Dean’s lips.
“I am when it comes to us” Dean said, leaning down and pulling Cas’ plush lower lip between his teeth. “I was about to start without you, watching you lie here, the sweat dripping down your chest. You have no idea what that does to me” Dean said as he trailed a finger across Cas’ chest, circling a nipple just how he knew Cas liked. Cas didn’t take his eyes off Dean’s face, never failing to be stunned by his beauty
“Now that would have been a crying shame, I’d hate to miss out” Cas said, trailing his hands down Deans back, reaching the firmness of his ass. He gave it a playful slap.

Spring had moved into Summer. Cas and Dean had been at Bobby’s Cabin for almost two months. Two months of being alone. Two months of bickering. Two months of making up after the bickering. Two months of getting to know each other’s bodies. Two months of lazy kisses. Teo months of desperate kisses. Two months of togetherness. Two months of pure gratification.

Dean’s hand trailed down the length of Cas’ body until he reached his knee, hooking a hand underneath and pulling it up around his back so he could slot their bodies in tighter together. That was the thing with Dean, he liked to feel Cas everywhere. He was desperate for more but he wasn’t ready yet and that was ok, for now they had this. Hot skin against hot skin. Cas reached up to press their lips together in a searing kiss, his tongue being granted the entry he was seeking. Dean moaned softly as the taste of Cas began to intoxicate him
“Fuck, I love kissing you” Dean sighed against Cas’ mouth
“I love your hair this length, it means I can do this” Cas gripped a handful of Dean’s hair and gave it a rough tug, forcing Dean’s head back to expose the column of his throat. Cas had learned that Dean liked it rough at times (other times he liked it soft and slow but he would deny that until his dying day) Cas’ teeth scrapped along the exposed skin
“Jesus, Cas. You drive me crazy, baby. Love you so much”
“I love you too, Dean” those words were like a catalyst to Dean, every time. They unfurled a burning arousal in the pit of his stomach. Cas trailed open mouthed kisses along Dean’s neck, his fingers getting lost in Dean’s hair, which he had allowed to grow out along with a weeks worth of stubble. Cas loved this version of Dean. Relaxed and care free. They’d made a haven for themselves here over the last two months. Fixing up the cabin, gradually adding things that was them without either of them mentioning it. Dean a turnstile and vinyls. Cas had a bonsai tree project going and art work on the walls. It was beginning to feel like a home. Their home.
Dean’s fingertips ran up the side of Cas’ body, leaving goosebumps in their wake. They grinded against eachother, their hot, heavy breaths mingling. Dean pressed a hand between them, encircling the solid length of Cas’ cock, it pulsed hot against his palm as his fingers teased at the base
Dean’s tongue darted out teasingly, sweeping over Cas’s lips just as the shrill sound of Dean’s phone interrupted their flow
“Ignore it” Dean breathed, his hand gripping firmer to Cas’ cock, his hips jerking in response
“It might be important, Dean” Cas breathed noncommittally
“Mmmm, whatever” Dean said and he kissed Cas greedily, making him forget all about the importance of the phone call. The phone rang off and just as quickly started again.
“Shit” Dean moaned, dropping his forehead to Cas’ shoulder.
He sighed and reached over to the night stand, reluctantly rolling off Cas and onto his back, seeing Sam’s ID on the screen. “Fucking cockblock” Dean grumbled
“What? This better be good”
“You sound out of breath, you good?”
“I was freakin fantastic until you cockblocked me”
“Oh! Ew, gross! I do not want to know any more”
“It’s a beautiful and natural thing, Sammy. What do you want?”
“So uh...I’m sorry to do this but I’ve got us a case. A nest of vamps over in Topeka.” Dean felt air leave his lungs as he shifted to sit on the side of the bed “Eileen and me thought we could deal but it turns out it’s larger than we originally thought. We could use your back up. You in?” Dean’s mouth was dry and he struggled to speak. He felt Cas shift behind him, stroking down his bare back to get his attention. He could sense his tension and he frowned at him in concern.
“Hey, Dean, you there?” Sam said
“Uh...yeah, I’m here. Sure I’m in. Meet you there in an hour text me the details?”
“Thanks, Dean”
“Sure” Dean hung up and tossed his phone onto the bed.
“Fuck!” He said, dropping his head to his hands
Cas moved to his side immediately.
“Dean, what is it?” Cas said, concern evident in his voice
Dean ran his hands through his hair, not looking at Cas

“There’s a vamp nest over in Topeka that needs dealing with. Sam needs me in on it” Dean said, his voice quiet. Cas knew the problem without Dean having to voice it. He pulled a hand away from Dean’s face and held it in his
“And this will be your first one since...”
Dean nodded. Cas was thoughtful for a moment.
“I’ll go. You stay here”
“What?! Like hell that’s going to happen. No way, Cas!”
“Dean, I’m not incapable!” Cas said, slightly insulted. Dean faced towards him
“No, that’s not what I mean. I mean you’re not fighting in my place. I can handle it”
Cas sighed.
“But you don’t have to Dean. I shall go. That’s my choice. Do you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you” Dean said, his voice soft “I can’t have you getting hurt Cas”
“I won’t. It’ll be a ‘Milk Run’ as you say”
“What will we tell Sam?”
“That you’re sick”
Dean thought for a moment. It wasn’t like him to flake out like this but the fight had gone out of him. The desire to butcher and kill was no longer a flame the burned in him.
“You’ll be safe?” He asked Cas
Cas nodded
“Of course, Dean”
Dean nodded and pulled Cas in, resting his forehead to his
“If anything happens to you...” he whispered
Cas leaned in and pressed his lips to Dean’s.
“I’ll be fine. I promise”
And Cas regretted those words as soon as they left his mouth.

An hour later, Dean was helping Cas pack the trunk of the impala. He felt sick and worry coursing through his body.
Cas opened the drivers door, leaning against it.
“Dean it’ll be fine. I’ll text you as soon as it’s all wrapped up”
Dean nodded pulling him close
“Just...coms back to me in one piece”
Dean leaned in and kissed him.
“Love you, Cas”
“I love you, also”
“Take care of my baby”
Cas rolled his eyes fondly
“I’ll take care of the car, Dean”
“I’m not talking about the car, Cas” Dean tossed over his shoulder, as he walked away, not wanting to watch Cas leave.

3 hours. Three bourse, 8 minutes Cas had been gone. No word yet. Dean sat at the kitchen table toying with his phone, willing it to ring or something. He tried reading. Listening to music. YouTube. He couldn’t concentrate until Cas was back in one piece, safe.
The rumble of the impala grabbed his attention and he rushed to the door, down the steps.
“Why the hell didn’t you text me like you said you would?” He said in lieu of a greeting
Cas was covered in mud and blood
“I’m sorry, Dean. I lost my phone in the foray”
“You dumbass!” He said, relief surging through him as he pulled him in to his embrace, heedless of the state he was in
“Dean, I’m disgusting and you’re all over me”
“I don’t give a shit”
Cas returned his embrace then, the smell suddenly hitting Dean’s nostrils
“Oh wow, okay, you are disgusting.”
Cas rolled his eyes, stepping away and heading toward the cabin
Dean followed behind, his eyes not leaving him for a second. He closed the door behind him.
“I’ll go take a shower” Cas said and Dean merely nodded, feeling unfamiliar emotions as he watched Cas head for the bathroom. It was a few minutes after he heard the water turn on that he finally felt his legs move. He needed Cas. He needed to be close to him. He was safe and here and he needed him. He headed toward the bathroom and stripped off his clothes as he went. Cas had his back to him as he stepped behind him in the shower, he watched as the water cascaded over his skin, the muscles in his back rippled as he moved. Dean stepped in closer and wrapped his arms around Castiel from behind, dropping his forehead to his shoulder blade. Cas startled slightly before his hands came to rest on Dean’s over his stomach
“I missed you” Dean whispered into Cas’ shoulder. Cas turned in his arms, linking his fingers around Dean’s neck.
“I missed you too. I told you I’d come back safe” Dean nodded and rested his forehead against his
“You did.” Dean shut his eyes and relished in the closeness of Cas.
Castiel brought his hands to cup Dean’s face
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
“I can’t believe I flaked, Cas. I never back down from a fight but this time I just...”
“Dean, with the life you have lead, no one would judge you for taking a time out”
“I judge me. I was weak”
Cas’s face turned hard, his voice resolute.
“I have known every language created in human history but none of them allow me to sufficiently describe everything you are, Dean Winchester. But, I know for certain that you are not weak! You are good” He pressed his lips to his right cheek
“And kind” he pressed his lips to his left
“And brave” his lips brush the under side of his chin
“And deserving” his lips caressed Dean’s
“You are everything, Dean” Dean’s eyes filled with moisture which he hoped the spray of the shower wound obscure.
He pressed his lips to Cas’ again and his forehead fell to his, his arms around Cas’ waist, pulling him flush against him. His voice was barely audible underneath the water.
“Make love to me, Cas”
Cas’ eyes hit Dean’s face. Deans eyes were closed. He was stunningly beautiful beneath the warm spray.
“Look at me, Dean” Cas said softly
Dean opened his eyes
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
Dean nodded
“I’ve never been more sure. I want to be close to you, Cas. I need you...please” Dean kissed Cas deeply, wanting to put everything he felt into that kiss. Cas moaned softly against him and pulled back slowly.
“Not in here” He said, taking his hand and reaching over to switch off the shower.
He lead them out of the space and they wrapped themselves in towels and rubbed their hair dry, their eyes never leaving each other. Dean silently reached for Cas and lead him out to the bedroom.
“Dean, are you certain that —“ Cas was cut off with a kiss as Dean pulled him in by the towel around his waist.
“I said I was sure. I want you, Cas. I want this”
That was all the reassurance Cas needed.

+++++++++++++

Dean lay in Cas’ arms, sweat slick on their bodies, their breaths still working to regulate. Cas was the first to speak
“Are you ok?” He asked quietly, unsure. It was too quiet for his liking.
But Dean smiled, brilliant and sated, pressing a kiss to his chest
“I’m freakin awesome. You?”
“I’m freakin awesome also” Cas said with a light chuckle as Dean rest his head over Cas’s heart, listening to the steady thrum. Cas’ finger tips ghosted across Dean’s spine as another few moments of silence past.
“I think I’m done with this, Cas”
Castiel’s heart sank and he pulled back
“I don’t understand did I—?”
Dean looked up at him, hearing the fear in his voice and realising his mistake
“Oh god, baby, no! Never think that. We’re awesome, I promise” he pressed a kiss to his mouth and he felt Cas relax beneath him and he returned to ghosting over his spine as he put his chin on Cas’s chest
“I meant with hunting” he said softly
“It’s just not me any more, Cas”
“Are you talking about retiring”
Dean nodded
“I’ve been thinking about it for awhile y’know?”
“What would you do?”
Dean shrugged a shoulder
“I probably wouldn’t leave the life completely, maybe do a version of what Bobby did, I dunno.” He traced patterns over Cas’ abdomen “I just want a better future, you know? You, me. This place. A kid or two” he shot a look up to Cas, saying that last part quietly
“You’d like Children?” Cas said
Dean nodded shyly “would you?”
Cas thought for a moment
“Yes. Yes, I believe I would. With you”
Dean’s smile lit up his face, already flush from their love making. “That’s what I want, Cas., just you and me”
Cas lifted Deans Chin and pressed a soft kiss to his lips
“You and me?”
“You and me”
“I love you, Dean”
“Me, too, Cas”

Chapter Text

***SIX YEARS LATER***

“Bobbi, come on let’s go or we’ll be late!” Sam said as he picked up the 3 year old and clipped her into her car seat. He handed her the latest book she was obsessed with “Llama Llama Red Pajamas”, which he had read to her at least ten times in the last 24 hours, and double checked her straps
“Thank you” Bobbi signed and Sam’s chest swelled with pride. So much that he barely felt a thing as he banged his head as he moved to shut Bobbi’s door, hearing the tail end of her giggle.

The drive to Cas and Dean’s was relatively short for a Saturday morning, usually the roads were rammed with people out to make the most of their weekend. Sam indicated left and pulled in to the long drive way, parking behind the Impala, noting Dean sat on the cabin’s porch with his morning coffee. Dean made his way to Sam’s car and opened the side Bobbi was on.
“Someone is half asleep” he said as he poked his head inside the car. He wiggled Bobbi’s little foot
“Hey, Bobbi Girl” he said in a soft voice so as not to startle her. Her eyes sprang open immediately, shining bright asthough she hadn’t just been falling asleep
“DADDYYYYY” she exclaimed excitedly, clambering to get out of her car seat and into Dean’s arms “Hello, beautiful. Did you have fun with Sam and Eileen?”
“Unca Sammy hurted” She said rubbing her head to illustrate what she was saying.
“Huh?” Dean looked over at Sam, confused
“Oh I bumped my head on the car door” Sam explained
Dean rolled his eyes
“Well that’s because Uncle Sammy is a dumb a—butt” Dean stopped and corrected himself, peering briefly over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t about to experience the wrath of Cas.
“Dumb butt?” Sam said mockingly with a grin on his face
“Shut up, Sam! Hey, Bobbi Girl, what do we say to uncle Sammy for taking care of you yesterday” Bobbi looked at Sam from the comfort of Dean’s arms and signed ‘Thank You’
Dean looked at her, awed.
“Did she just sign?”
Sam grinned proudly and nodded “Eileen has been teaching her a few things”
Dean looked at Bobbi proudly, kissing her cheek
“How is Eileen?” Dean asked
“Antsy, irritable. The size of a house”
Dean scoffed “you wouldn’t say that if she was here. She’d still kick your ass, pregnant or not”
“Don’t I know it. Where’s Cas? You guys have a good time last night?”
Dean wiggled his brows “oh hell yeah”
Sam held up his hands in protest, his nose wrinkled in distaste “ok, stop! I don’t need any more details than that! So we’ll see you guys next week?” Sam said as he walked back to the driver side of his car after handing Dean Bobbi’s over night bag.
“Sure will, thanks for last night, man, we’ll owe you one”
“Just the one?” Sam cocked a brow and Dean rolled his eyes “Say bye to Uncle Sam”
Bobbi raised her hand waving enthusiastically “Byeeee unca Sammy byeeee” she shouted
And Dean waved as Sam disappeared out of the driveway.
“Shall we go see where Dadda is at?” Bobbi scrambled out of Dean’s arms and ran toward the cabin calling out “Dadda I home now” Dean kept her pace easily as they entered the house just as Cas was coming out of the bedroom, pulling a tshirt over his head
“Hello, my little Honey bee” Cas said with a huge smile as Bobbi ran into his arms
“ ‘Lo, Dadda! Unca Sammy hurted!” She said rubbing her head, making it sound more dramatic than it was in that way that only a three year old can. Cas looked at Dean concerned “Is Sam ok?” He asked
Dean laughed “he’s fine, nothing major”
“Sammy a dumb butt!” Bobbi said and Cas’ eyes narrowed on a sheepish looking Dean. Dean was certain that if he could still smite him then he would.
Dean gave him his best puppy dog look “Love you?”
Cas rolled his eyes.
“Dadda, we go swim?” Bobbi asked, remembering Cas’ promise if she behaved for Sam and Eileen.
“What about your nap?”
“No nap!” She said
“Have you noticed her naps are getting less and less?” Cas mentioned to Dean
“Shhhh! Maybe if we don’t talk about it, it won’t be true!”
Cas scoffed “you keep telling yourself that. Ok Bobbi girl, go get your swim suit and wings and we can swim” Bobbi scrambled down from Cas’ hold and did as instructed. Cas made his way to Dean and encircled his arms around his waist
“Back to reality. Thank you for last night” Cas grinned, pecking Dean’s lips. Dean pulled him close, offering him another kiss, humming against his lips. And another. And another. Until tiny hands were tugging on his jeans
“Let’s go, Dadda! Let’s go!”
“Patience, honeybee! Are you coming?” He asked Dean.
“I’ll follow you guys down there”
Cas gave Dean one last full kiss. Dean heard Bobbi sigh impatiently and he could picture her eye roll, so like Castiel’s. She wasn’t biologically his but she had so many of his mannerisms and Dean loved her all the more for it. She was used to seeing her daddies love on each other but she didn’t have the patience for it. He sent Cas and Bobbi on their way to the lake, promising to be along shortly.

Dean made it down to the lake just as Bobbi stood on the edge of the deck, Cas waiting in the water with arms held high ready to catch her. Dean froze, dread building in his belly. He never envisioned that he’d be the over protective parent but here he was, cringing as he watched their daughter fearlessly jump in to Cas’ arms, squealing as her feet splashed in the water. Dean didn’t realise he was holding his breath until he let out a sigh of relief once she was safely in Castiel’s arms. He made his way to the end of the deck and sat himself on the edge.
“Hi Daddy!!” Bobbi shoulted waving awkwardly from beneath her water wings
“Hey Bobbi Girl”
Dean watched contentedly as the love of his life and their daughter frolicked happily in the lake, the sun shining down on them.
This was Dean’s life now. Him. Cas. And their girl. He took out his phone and snapped a picture documenting the laughter on their faces. He heard nothing but love in their laughter. He saw nothing but love on their faces. And he felt nothing but love in every fibre of his being for everything that was in front of him; his beautiful family.
They were carved deeply into his soul, they made him who he was. It was pure bliss. Total gratification. What he had in Cas was absolute, complete, earth-shattering, universe-shaking, world saving love.

You couldn’t tell him that there was anything better than this.

He wouldn’t believe you.