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Part 2 of peter-man identity reveals
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Spider-Man Public Identity Reveal, S.T.I.L.L., Funny/Crackish Peter Parker, IronDad & SpiderSon, Peter Parker Stories, Leymonaide fic recs, Trying to keep track of what I read: A collection, literally every fic i've ever read, MARVELous Fanfictions, Ahh Yes Perfection
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2021-04-05
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parkour and defenestration

Summary:

An ear-piercing shriek brings the entire class out of their mind-numbing equations. 

“Holy - Ms. Brant!” Ms. Warren exclaims, clutching her chest and breathing heavily. “Please do not scream like that!” 

“Peter just jumped out the window!” Betty yells, eyes wide and hands shaking.  

Ned freezes. Peter definitely jumped out the window. 

--

prompt from kiddie_boi: oh yoou could do one where peter has to go stop a villan an he thinks thatt no one is paying ttention to him as he yeets himself out the window.

Notes:

sorry, this was a prompt from a while ago!

also you do not need to watch brooklyn-99 in order to understand this.

disclaimer: i do not own the mcu, nor the characters i use here.

enjoy!

edited 6/11/21

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

1:30 P.M.   

Peter sighs as he watched himself web up a car thief on his computer screen. In the background, Ms. Warren is saying something about physics, but whatever it is, Peter probably already has it down pat. This is more important. For... reasons. 

On-screen Peter quips with a witty remark as the car thief struggles against his bonds. Unfortunately, Peter doesn't remember what he had said, and he can't listen to the volume while in class, so he's left to rely on the auto-generated captions. Which are pure gibberish. 

1:32 P.M.  

As he clicks on a compilation titled: ‘spider-man swinging into things to cure your depression,’ he vaguely hears his name being called. Looking up, he finds a fairly annoyed Ms. Warren glaring at him. 

The problem on the whiteboard beside her isn't difficult, though, and he quickly answers it after doing the calculations in his head. Ms. Warren looks surprised for a moment, but she quickly says something to Flash that Peter doesn't actually listen to.  

1:37 P.M.  

Peter needs to get out of here. His hands are shaking with pent-up adrenaline - his entire body is, in fact. The sounds of faraway sirens echo in his ears painfully, and when he glances down at his hands they seem to be caked in Ben’s blood. 

Everyone is working on solving the equations Ms. Warren had written on the board, and Ms. Warren herself is typing something on her laptop. Surely, no one will notice if he... just... 

Cautiously, Peter tiptoes out of his seat and walks casually over to the window. He steals a glance around the room. Sure enough, no one is watching. 

He opens the window and cringes when it creaks loudly, but only one student glances his way, and once the girl sees what had caused the noise, she returns her focus to her work. Exhaling, Peter casts one last glance around the room, letting his thumbs rub over the cool metal of his web-shooters. Then, plastering his arms to his sides, Peter jumps out the window head-first. 

1:39 P.M 

As he soars through the air, plummeting towards an imminent death, Peter releases two strings of web and lets the motion propel him to the back of the school building, jumping down to an alley. 

There, he changes into his iconic Spider-Man suit, and is greeted by Karen. 

“Good afternoon, Peter. Should you not be in school?” 

“Just - I need to go do a super short patrol and then I’ll go right back, okay? Please don’t tell Mr. Stark.” 

“Very well, Peter, but I will be forced to notify him if you do not immediately return to class.” 

“Thanks, K! Do you know where those sirens are coming from?” 

“There is a hostage situation seven blocks away. Shall I plot the fastest route?” 

“Yep!” 

1:40 P.M 

He arrives at the bank fairly quickly. It's very clearly the site of a crime, with police cars and officers surrounding the building. Something about the scene sends shivers down Peter’s spine, but nevertheless, he quickly bounds into the middle of the mess. 

“Spider-Man!” An eager officer wearing a negotiator bulletproof vest exclaims, shooting finger-guns at Peter. 

“Great,” a much grumpier one groans. “First with this clown stealing my job, and now a literal clown dressed in bright red and blue.” 

Peter narrows his eyes. “I’m not a clown,” he responds uselessly. “Anyway, what’s the dealio?” 

Officer 1 turns to Peter excitedly. “We’re not entirely sure. Three hostages, the perp's actually asking for me.” 

"Any reason...why?"

"No idea!"

“Okay then... well, I’m heading in,”

“Hold on,” Grumpy Guy interrupts, but he can't get his thought out before Officer 1 gives Peter a shit-eating grin.  

“Toit! A hostage situation with Spider-Man!”  

Peter grins. He loves to meet fans, and the NYPD isn't always on his side, so Officer 1 is more-or-less a good guy in his book. 

He and Officer 1, whose name turns out to be Jake, figure out their plan of attack, and on Peter’s count, bust into the bank.  

Scanning the room, Peter spots three people, their wrists duct-taped together, and a man wearing a ski mask. Assuming ski-mask guy is the hostage-taker, Peter webs him to the wall and giggles with glee as the man struggles against the webs. Peter’s webs are stronger than any old hostage-taker guy. 

“Jake, come on, man!” The perp shouts. 

“Um, do I know you? I don’t know him,” Jake explains to Peter, who nods curiously. 

“Jake, it’s Doug Judy. I need your help.” 

A look of understanding flashes across Jake’s face and he stomps his foot on the ground. 

“You’re embarrassing me in front of Spider-Man!” Jake whines. “Ugh, Spidey, I’ve got this. He’s an old friend.” 

“Um. I feel like this is fishy.” 

Before Jake can respond, Peter receives a call and holds a finger up to Jake, heading over to an empty corner of the bank. 

“Incoming call from Ned Leeds.” 

1:39 P.M. -  Ms. Warren's Physics Class

An ear-piercing shriek brings the entire class out of their mind-numbing equations. 

“Holy - Ms. Brant!” Ms. Warren exclaims, clutching her chest and breathing heavily. “Please do not scream like that!” 

“Peter just jumped out the window!” Betty yells, eyes wide and hands shaking.  

Ned freezes. Peter definitely jumped out the window. 

“Get away from there,” Ms. Warren quickly says, walking purposefully over to the open window, where a few people are peering at the ground. 

Ms. Warren braces herself, and then glances out the window. She thanks every godly being when she doesn't find a squished Peter Parker anywhere. Sagging her shoulders with relief, her hands still trembling, Ms. Warren shuts it with a resounding click.  

“He must have jumped onto something,” Betty says, still quaking. “I’m telling you, he jumped head-first out the window!” 

“I believe you, Betty. How about you go to the nurse and get some cool water?” 

“I’m not lying!” 

“I don’t doubt that. It must have been very hard for you to watch. Cindy, can you take her?” 

Cindy nods and helped Betty walk out the room, everyone watching on curiously as Betty limply collapses into Cindy’s arms. 

Ms. Warren takes a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself. “Did anyone else see this?” 

Ned hadn’t, actually, seen it, but he knows he has to try to help Peter out. “I did, Ms. Warren,” Ned answers, wringing his sweaty hands. He's an absolute shit liar, and everyone knows it. “It was for a parkour video? Uh, I told him it was a dumb idea, but he wanted to get some energy out...?” 

“Uh-huh. Do you have any idea where he might have gone?” 

“...no.” 

“Alright. I doubt any of us will get much work done, so how about we all try to get in touch with Peter? I’ll call the authorities.” 

“No!” Ned exclaims quickly. “Just - give him a few minutes. If he’s not back by 1:45, you can?” 

Shaking her head in disbelief, Ms. Warren sets her phone back on the table. "Five minutes, Mr. Leeds."

1:45 P.M. - Ned Leeds

"Come on, come on, pick up,” Ned mutters as Peter’s phone rings. Karen had already greeted him and said that she would direct his call to Peter’s mask. Ned managed to bargain for another five minutes before Ms. Warren calls the police, but she seems very final this time. Peter's got to pick up.

All of the students are freaking out. There's no consensus as to what had happened to Peter. 

Some say that he had been possessed by a ghost. Others think that he had, in fact, jumped, and landed on the ground, and that his corpse is discarded somewhere they can't get a good look at through the window. One student is of the opinion that they had all mass hallucinated the existence of Peter Parker.  

“Ned?” Peter’s voice finally crackles through Ned’s speakerphone.  

“Yes! Peter!” The initial relief soon fades and anger soaks through. “Dude, what the fuck were you thinking? Betty saw you jump out the window and now everyone’s freaking out and -” 

“Shit,” Peter whispers. “Uh, Jake, I trust you... for some reason. Gotta go.” Ned hears the familiar thwip of a web, and Peter starts speaking again. “Dude, I’m so sorry. I just needed to get out and I didn’t think anyone was watching. Karen, how long till I get back to school?” 

“ETA three minutes,” Karen’s crisp voice responds. 

“Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, but Ms. Warren is calling the cops in...” Ned checks his watch. “...four. So, make sure you’re not late.” 

“The - the cops? Shit, shit, shit! Ned, what am I going to do?” 

“I don’t know, Peter! I said that you were filming a parkour video?” 

“Okay, okay, that’s good. I jumped out the window to get rid of some energy, and, and I landed on a dumpster! Yeah, then I did some more parkour-y things, and... yeah. Okay?” 

Ned sighs and says, “Not really, but it makes more sense than saying you disappeared into thin air.” 

They end the call, and Ned anxiously watches the window. 

1:45 P.M - Peter

Heh. Whoops. 

Peter scrambles to throw webs as fast as he can, swimming through the air frantically. He needs to get back to class.  

“Spider-Man!” Someone screams, followed by a whistle. 

“Hey, everyone!” Peter yells back, grinning as the MSST building comes into view. 

He releases his final strand of webbing and deposits himself in front of his school.  

Climbing the wall frantically, Peter locates the window to Ms. Warren’s classroom, and, using his adhesive fingers, he pulls the window open and crawls in. 

And then, a sudden realization: he's still wearing his mask. 

“Fuck,” he whispers. “Uh. Hello. I am your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Must have got the, uh, wrong apartment.” 

The silence is thick with tension. Not knowing what else to do, Peter plasters his arms to his side and once again jumps out the window headfirst, as Betty enters the classroom and screeches again. 

1:48 P.M -  Ms. Warren's Physics Class

"It was Peter!” Betty bellows. “That was exactly how he jumped, I swear!” 

Nobody knows quite what to make of that, so Ned decides to attempt to save his dumbass friend’s ass, once again.  

“Uh...” Ned begins. “He - he’s wearing a rip-off of the Spider-Man suit. For the, um, parkour video.” 

“How’d he get up here, though?” A boy asks. “And why did he pretend to be Spider-Man? Where did he even get the suit?” 

“...well...” 

Before Ned can try to save him anymore, Peter, clad in civilian clothes, jumps through the window, slightly out of breath. 

“Heyyyy, guys,” Peter says a bit awkwardly. 

“Hey, Pete,” Ned responds, massaging his temples. 

“Yeah, Ned?” 

“You just climbed up the wall.” 

“Oh. Uh. I must have... used... adhesive gloves...?” 

"- WHAT THE FUCK, PETER IS SPIDER-MAN -”  

2:00 P.M - Peter

The chaos has died down, to a certain extent. Peter is still being bombarded with questions when Karen begins speaking from the speaker on his phone. 

“Peter, Boss is forcing a call through.” 

“Uh, yeah, accept it -” 

Peter is cut off by a very angry Tony Stark. “Peter fucking Parker -” 

“ - that’s me -” 

“Why the hell did you think it was a good idea to climb up the walls of your school, both in your suit and out of it? Hm? Your fan base is going fucking insane.” 

“... well, you see. Ms. Warren was going to call the cops.” 

“Why is that?” 

“... I may have thrown myself out the window.” 

“Peter.” 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re grounded.” 

“Sounds about right.” 

Notes:

thanks for reading! comments and kudos fuel the garbage fire

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