Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dan had never been a romantic – that was always Phil and his extravagant date planning. It was incredibly endearing, but Dan just wasn’t one of those people that cared about that kind of stuff. He loved it because Phil loved it. Funny how a terminal illness can change someone.

It was one year earlier, just after Dan’s twenty-third birthday. Recently he hadn’t been feeling well. His energy level was low, and the sweeping waves of nausea were becoming all too familiar. While low energy wasn’t exactly uncommon for him, this was different. Dan barely had the energy to get out of bed. At first, Phil assumed it was some kind of flu, so they spent day in bed watching old movies and eating soup. It was a few days later when Dan realized something wasn’t quite right. Along with the loss of energy, came the loss of appetite, and consistent headaches. Dan hid it well, though. After all, he didn’t want to worry Phil. So, he pretended everything was fine for the next few weeks and almost convinced himself he was starting to feel better. He thought that with time it would eventually go away. However, it was quite the contrary.

One morning Dan awoke at his worst with a sharp, hot pain in his head; it was by far the most excruciating thing he has ever experienced. Biting down on his pillow, he screamed. He screamed until his voice was hoarse, just trying to release some of the pressure in his head. His nails dug into the blankets, begging for the pain to end. Soon darkness took over his vision and he drifted into blissful unconsciousness, away from the pain.

 The next time Dan woke up he was in a hospital, with an IV hooked to his right arm and an oxygen tube in his nose. The fluorescent lights were harsh, highlighting the deep bags under his eyes. The  pain in his head had finally subdued. His vision became sharper as the fog from the drugs cleared. Dan looked around the room, noting the ‘get well soon’ balloons and cards that littered the room. To his left was a card with a scrawl so ineligible it could only be identified as PJ’s attempt at handwriting. But the thing that caught his attention was Phil, sitting in this stiff chair next to his bed, his head resting on his hands.

Dan shot up, suddenly alarmed as he remembered the events that led to him being here. He sat up, pulling at the IV, panic rising in his chest. His hate for hospitals was heightened and all he could focus on was getting out of here. But then Phil’s head shot up to the sounds of Dan rustling in bed. He scooted his chair closer to the bed, resting his hand on Dan’s.

Dan frowned as he observed his boyfriend’s face. His nose was runny, and his eyes were pink and swollen. He had been crying. It was enough to stop Dan’s frantic movements as his heart rate increased. Phil very rarely cries, and when he does it’s for good reason. Phil ignored Dan’s questioning look. With light touches, he brushed Dan’s matted hair out of his face. It was meant to be comforting, but if anything, it just worried him more. 

Cancer. Stage Four. Terminal.

Those four words ruined Dan and Phil’s life. Those four words unraveled years of plans the two had previously made, imagining they had all of the time in the world. Now he was told he would have two years if he was lucky. Dan’s doctors offered aggressive treatment to prolong the inevitable, but he denied it. He knew what that kind of treatment did to patients. They become violently ill, bed ridden, and spend most of their time imprisoned in hospitals. Dan wanted to spend the rest of his short life as himself, with Phil by his side.

It wasn’t something to easily become accustomed to. Phil was in denial in the beginning. He went about life as if nothing has changed, but at night he would hold onto Dan extra tight, with no intention of letting go. It went on like this for a few weeks, until Dan came home from visiting his family for the weekend to find Phil sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing. Dan dropped his duffel bag and wrapped his arms around Phil. He held him close, kissing the top of his head, burying his nose into his boyfriend’s dark hair, memorizing his scent. His hand rubbed small circles on Phil’s back, knowing it comforts him. He nearly let out a humorless laugh at the thought that he was the one dying, but also the one doing the comforting. It was then that he realized Phil is the one that has to live without him. If it was Phil dying, Dan knew he’d be completely broken too.

After they both released the emotions they had been repressing, they actually felt a little better having it all out in the open. Now that they accepted the inevitable, they could live each day to the fullest. Without further discussion, they quit their jobs at BBC to focus on living life in the now. Besides, that’s what emergency savings are for, right?

This brings Dan to where he is now. Sitting in the living room at three in the morning with hot chocolate, paper and a pen. He could feel his health slowly deteriorating and he knew he was running out of time. There were so many things he wanted to do with his life, but just not enough time. Dan’s rough estimate was about six months. At night he’d close his eyes and be met with the image of a clock. It would start with the seconds slowly ticking by and then morph into something sinister. The ticking would increase, with the hands moving faster than he could comprehend. Suddenly it was a calendar, with pages tearing away and flying off until there was nothing left but blackness and silence. He’d wake in a cold sweat, with the constant reminder of the inevitable looming over his head. Dan shook his head, shaking the dark thoughts. He took a sip of his sweet drink and focused back on the task at hand.

1. Have breakfast in bed
2. Stargaze until the sun rises
3. Kiss in the rain
4. Rent a beach house for the weekend
5. Go to Spain
6. Get married
7. Go skinny dipping
8. Die loved

Dan hadn’t realized he was crying until a tear his list, smudging some of his handwriting. There was still so much he wanted to do, so much more he wanted to see but deep down he knew he didn’t have the time for it. Hell, he didn’t even know if he had time for his list. But he was going to try. He looked back at a few items on the list and managed a small smile, so much for not being a romantic.

Dan looked up when he heard some shuffling and the opening of a door. His eyes met a sleepy Phil, with his glasses askew and hair ruffled. It was a sight he could never get sick of.

“Can’t sleep?” Phil asked quietly. Dan hummed in response, struggling to get his emotions under control. Making his list made him a little emotional and he knew crying in front of Phil would only make things harder.

“Me neither,” Phil sighed, joining Dan on the couch, and leaning into his side. “I can never sleep very long without you next to me.”

Dan smiled at that, and kissed Phil on the temple. Phil sighed contentedly before frowning when he saw the list in Dan’s hand. “Is that your bucket list?” 

“Yeah, I figured since we have some time, we should make the most of it, you know? And there’s a lot of things I’ll never get the chance to do, so I thought I’d make a list of the ones most important to me.” 

Phil gingerly grabbed the list out of his hand and read through it, a sad smile on his face. “No Japan?”

“I don’t think there’s time for Japan,” Dan mumbled. "I want to use this time to experience new things for the first time. As much as I loved our trips to Japan...I just need to prioritize." The older boy just nodded in response, swallowing a lump in his throat. He didn’t want to think about the concept of time at the moment. 

“What do you want to do first?” Phil asked, his voice cracking.

“Right now, all I want to do is go to bed with you.” 

“Alright, then let’s go to bed,” He replied, grabbing Dan’s hand and leading him to the bedroom.

The next morning Dan awoke with another headache. He wasn’t surprised, it had been happening a lot more often lately. He sat up and reached for the pill bottles on the table next to the bed and took the numerous pills prescribed to him by his doctors to keep his symptoms under control. Forcing his legs out from under the warmth of the blankets, Dan got up to go see what Phil was doing. While Dan has always slept later than Phil, he usually stays in bed with him reading a book while waiting for Dan to wake. After all, Phil knows how much Dan hates waking up alone.

Just as Dan was crossing to the door, he was met with Phil carrying a tray full of chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, a heaping pile of bacon and his usual cup of coffee.

“Phil…” Dan started, realizing what he was doing.

“Dan! You ruined it. To have breakfast in bed, you actually have to be in bed.” He pouted, which caused Dan to laugh at his boyfriend. He quickly turned around and crawled back into their bed.

“We don’t have to do everything on the list right away, you spoon.” He retorted, pulling the warm blankets on his lap. His voice came across softer than the joking manner he intended. His gratefulness for Phil shone through his usual sarcastic façade. Phil chose to ignore the comment and set the tray on the middle of the bed, settling next to him. “But thank you,” Dan murmured, giving Phil a kiss on the lips.

Phil smiled, his blue eyes impossibly bright in the early afternoon light. Dan sighed, staring as he admired Phil’s beauty. His dark hair is tousled, sticking in all directions accompanied with the stubble that comes from not shaving for a few days. He’s dressed in one of his graphic t-shirts and a pair of boxers, with the smell of coffee lingering on his breath. Dan smiles at him, bacon momentarily forgotten, only consumed by thoughts of Phil. When things get bad, he wants to remember this specific moment and how happy the two of them are. ‘When things get bad…’ Dan ended that train of thought and shook himself out of his daze, turning his attention to his delicious breakfast instead.

Days quickly changed into weeks, as Dan and Phil continued to spend every day together. Some days they’d stay in and watch anime together -- Dan insisted he couldn’t die without knowing how it ended -- and some days they’d venture into London, needing a change of scenery. It was the end of September and quickly becoming bitterly cold. They had gone into Manchester earlier, to recreate memories from that day they met in person for the first time.

Now they were back in their flat, cuddled on the couch with coffee and hot chocolate. Dan was exhausted from all of the traveling they had done and the walking. His fatigue was really settling in now. He had felt it earlier, beginning to weigh him down like a blanket but he ignored it, refusing to let the illness win today.His fatigue was really setting in now; earlier he had felt it, but he refused to let the illness win -- not today. But now that he was laying on the couch, with his head resting on Phil’s chest, he just didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore. 

He was drifting into a blissful sleep when he felt Phil nudge him. Dan grumbled and chose to ignore whatever the reason Phil was trying to wake him. He relaxed again, feeling sleep win over his consciousness, but once again it was interrupted. “Jesus, what is it Phil?”

“It’s raining,” He whispered, his mouth close to Dan’s ear.

“So?”

“So…it’s raining, Dan.” The emphasis he put on it seemed to wake Dan as he shot up, staring at Phil with a smile on his face.

“It’s raining! We can cross number three off the list!”

It wasn’t than ran was uncommon in London, in fact it was quite the opposite. And while it was late September, there are probably quite a few rainy days left before it transitions into snow. However, Dan wants to finish his list and experience the items while he can thoroughly enjoy them.

All signs of fatigue washed away from Dan and he was leaping off the couch, bringing Phil with him. They both threw on rain jackets and some boots before bounding down the stairs. He felt like a kid again.

It was a cold rain, not the warm rain showers they had grown accustomed to throughout the summer. But Dan preferred this kind; it was refreshing and the goosebumps that formed from it reminded him that he is alive. Dan lifted his face towards the sky, feeling the raindrops wash over him. He opened his mouth to catch a few stray drops, laughing to himself because he used to do the same as a kid. When was the last time he enjoyed the rain? When was the last time that he wasn’t rushing to get out of it or complaining about the way it curled his hair? The answer was too long. He needed to focus on slowing down and enjoying life. And that’s what his list was all about.

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand breaking his train of thought and dragged him through a large puddle in the street outside their apartment. Dan smiled at his boyfriend, with his dark hair that was dripping wet and his pink lips that were beginning to turn a light shade of blue from the cold. He truly was beautiful. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist and pulled him against his chest, grabbing his other hand.

“May I have this dance?” Phil questioned, his mouth close to Dan’s ear which caused him to shiver and left a wake of goosebumps of their own kind.

“Phil, you fucking sap,” Dan teased, but rested his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder nonetheless. They began to slowly pivot in the middle of the street, the cold rain falling against them, soaking through their jackets and into their boots but none of that mattered. Not when they had each other by their sides. Dan sighed contentedly. Maybe he should have added ‘dance in the rain’ to his list because this – this was absolutely perfect.

It wasn’t long before the cold rain began to seep into what felt like their bones, and they stopped dancing. They both were lost in their own thoughts, but when they looked at each other, green eyes meeting blue, their thoughts were quickly consumed of the other. Dan’s eyes glanced down at Phil’s lips and Phil rested his hand on the back of Dan’s neck, pulling him close.

The rain was cold, but their lips were warm, sending sparks of electricity through the other. Dan’s hands were on each side of Phil’s face as their mouths meshed together perfectly and leisurely. No wonder kissing in the rain was always romanticized in the movie. It was incredible. They kissed slowly and with meaning, pouring emotions into the kiss that neither could put into words. All thoughts of a bucket list, terminal illness, and the cold were quickly erased from Dan’s mind. Instead, all thoughts were of Phil. Dan deepened the kiss, running his tongue along Phil’s bottom lip. He pressed his body against him, suddenly wanting – no, needing more of Phil.

A bright flash of lightning struck, causing the two of them to jump apart, laughing at the other’s momentarily frightened expression.

“Come on,” Phil said, grabbing Dan’s hand once again. “Let’s go take a hot shower and we can continue where we left off.” Dan grinned and allowed Phil to led him inside and upstairs to the warmth of the flat. Their way to the bathroom was interrupted by kisses and groping as they bumped their way down the hall. Their wet clothes trailed behind them, neither caring about the water trial or puddles left in their wake. They were too focused on each other. It started as a frenzy but quickly turned into something more languid. They kissed, putting emotions into the kiss that neither could put into words as they became lost in each other.

--- 

Dan was woken up a few days later to light kisses from Phil. He started with peppering kisses on his chest and eventually made his way past Dan’s neck and up to his jaw. Using feather light touches, he kissed gently, which in Dan’s opinion was the best way to wake up.

“Good morning to you, too,” Dan mumbled, his voice low and husky from sleep. Phil looked up, smiling at his boyfriend.

“Are you ready for today?” He asked, his voice muffled against Dan.

Dan hesitated. “Yes,” he answered assuredly. “It’s going to be emotional, but it needs to be done. You know, so they can have some closure.”

Phil nodded against Dan’s chest. “They’ll be happy to spend some time with you, too.”

The two of them decided to go visit Dan’s family for the weekend. Dan knows he should be spending more time with his parents, but as bad as it sounds, he just wants to be with Phil. His family makes the aspect of dying even harder, for every time he sees or talks to them, they just break down crying. Besides, it’s not like he doesn’t want to cry as well, but he pushes that away because he doesn’t want to stay so hung up on how short his life is going to be.  And Phil helps him forget about the ticking time-bomb inside him. Because when he’s with Phil, his thoughts are consumed of Phil and how happy he is by his side.

It turned out that the trip to his family’s house was a good idea, regardless of how emotional it was. His parents needed some more time with their son, and Dan realized he needed that time with them as well. Dan explained his list to them and discussed their plans for the coming months. And the only time they seemed to get emotional was when he mentioned number six, ‘get married.’ His mum’s eyes watered, and she snuck a knowing glance at Phil. Dan pretended not to notice.

Saying goodbye was the hardest part. His mum gripped onto Dan, sobs racking her body. She didn’t want to let go; she felt like if she let go, she was letting go forever. After all, when was the next time she’d see her son? Would she even get the chance? Dan’s father gently detached her from him, but his own eyes were watering as well. Dan swallowed his emotions once again and gave his father a hug. 

 “This won’t be the last time I see you guys. I promise.” He assured. But he wasn’t so sure he could keep that promise. 

Chapter Text

Dan smiled with excitement, handing over his ticket to be scanned. "Have a great trip!" The stewardess chirped, returning his ticket. Dan stuck it in his passport and paused, waiting for Phil to catch up. 

"Are you excited?" Phil asked, adjusting his duffel bag. 

"For the flight? Not so much. For the trip? Hell yeah." 

"Dan, the flight to Spain is like two hours." Phil pointed out, playfully rolling his eyes. "I think you'll be fine." 

"Yeah but I have the middle seat," Dan wrinkled his nose. "That makes two hours feel a lot longer."

"You know what, I'll trade seats with you. You can have the aisle seat, instead."

"Wow, you must really love me," Dan joked, snatching Phil's ticket and swapping them. 

"Eight years into our relationship and I've finally proven my love." Phil replied drily. Dan laughed loudly, his dimple on his cheek prominent. 

They stowed their bags in the overhead compartment and slid into their newly swapped seats. 

"Thank you again for planning this trip," Dan murmured. "It was a nice surprise."

And it really was. Phil had woken Dan up a few mornings back with the plane tickets to Spain, thus satisfying number five on his bucket list. Phil had planned the entire trip.

They would spend a little over a week there, exploring different cities throughout the country. Madrid was where they would start their trip, staying for two days, then go on to Toledo, and end their trip in Seville. The hotels were booked, dinner reservations made, and bags packed. Phil took it upon himself to double check they had everything -- from their passports, to their phone adapters and to the small, velvet black box Phil had in his pocket, which Dan was completely unaware of. 

It wasn't long before the plane was taking off and Dan was resting against Phil's shoulder, sound asleep. He was determined to sleep off as much fatigue as possible so he’d be awake and energized for the trip. Despite Phil's earlier joke about the short length of the flight, the two hours seemed to drag by for him. With Dan asleep, Phil was left along with his thoughts, which was a very dangerous thing. 

His mind wandered to the boy whose head was resting against him, and just how little time he had left with him. Phil had never cared for anyone in his life like he does for Dan. He always thought that finding Dan and experiencing that all-consuming, world-shattering love with him was like some kind of reward for surviving the first shitty part of his life. But now that Phil knows their time together is limited, he can’t help but feel like the punchline to some kind of cosmic joke. He shook his head and slowly exhaled, turning his attention onto Dan and attempting to focus on the positives. Dan is next to him right now and that’s all that matters. Phil closed his eyes at that thought, attempting to sleep, which turned out to be a very difficult task when there’s the added weight of a little black box in his pocket.

By the time they got to their hotel in Madrid, Dan and Phil were both much more awake and excited for the fact that they were finally here. Although the numerous cups of coffee they had probably helped, too. They dropped off their suitcases and changed out of their airport clothes, ready to go explore the city. It was absolutely beautiful, the buildings were grand, and the vague outlines of mountains were present on the horizon. 

The first place they decided to go was Plaza Mayor. It was one of the most recommended places to visit while in Madrid which was located just outside of the city, away from the hustle of the big crowds of people, which the two of them liked very much. Dan grabbed Phil’s hand in his own, giving it a squeeze as they walked down narrow streets of small businesses and homes that towered over the stone pavement, 

“I can’t believe we’re here..” Dan mumbled. His eyes darted from the classic vintage buildings to the unique bistros and to Phil’s excited expression, taking in the beauty that surrounded him. “I wish we had more time here.”

“Me too,” Phil replied quietly, giving his hand another squeeze. His voice clearly illustrated that he wished they had more time in general. But neither of them focused on that and turned their minds back on the beauty of Madrid.

The Plaza turned out to be a lot of fun. It was filled with people and street performers, small stores that were unparalleled to any back home and delicious restaurants and cafes. Dan and Phil stopped and tried authentic Spanish food, bought a few souvenirs to take back home and stopped and appreciated the talent of the street musicians. 

Following the plaza, they decided to go for a walk around a small lake, which wasn’t too far from their hotel and was also surrounded by statues and stairs which led down to the water. The sun was shining down as they slowly made their way around it, talking about nothing of much substance. Dan and Phil stopped as they reached the other side and came across a large statue of a mermaid. Dan was determined to get a picture with it, so he went down a few of the steps to stand next to it, but stopped when he saw small padlocks locked on the mermaid’s tail.

“Phil, come here!” He called out. 

“Are those initials on them?” He questioned, looking over Dan’s shoulder.

“It looks like it.” There had to have been nearly a hundred of them, all locked in place, with couple’s initials and hearts drawn on them. “Look, there’s a blank one!”

Sure enough, there were multiple blank locks, waiting to be claimed by a couple in love. Phil grinned at Dan, and took his backpack off, digging in there for a black sharpie, which luckily he happened to have. Phil, not trusting Dan’s horrible handwriting, wrote ‘P.L + D.H’ carefully on the lock before snapping a picture on his phone. 

“There, now our relationship is immortalized -- we’ll always be together. ” 

“No matter what happens, we’re always together,” Dan agreed, a smile lighting up his face. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Phil responded, pulling Dan in for a gentle kiss.

The two of them sat on the steps for a while, looking out at the glass like surface of the lake, reminiscing about when they first met. They only decided to head back to the hotel when the sun began to set, painting orange and red across the sky.

“Are you up for a detour?” Phil questioned suddenly, pulling Dan to a stop. He frowned and looked down the street, the white marble of their hotel was nearly in sight and the comfort of his bed sounded perfect. But he looked at Phil, whose blue eyes were glowing in the dying sunlight and he couldn’t help but smile, all thoughts of sleeping pushed out of his mind.

“Yeah, okay. Lead the way, Phil.” He agreed, causing a grin to make its way across the older’s face.

“Great, we have to hurry!”

“Is that necessary?” Dan complained as Phil laced their fingers together, dragging him in the opposite direction of the hotel.

“Just trust me.” They arrived at a stone building with the words ‘Círculo de Bellas Artes’ carved into it. Phil approached the ticket window, purchasing two tickets for himself and Dan, before leading the way inside the grand building. There were marble floors and columns with a grand staircase in the center. Phil lead Dan to a glass elevator and pushed the seventh floor, nearly bouncing on his feet in excitement.

“What is this place?” Dan questioned, not getting any clues from the building. After all, everything was in Spanish. “And how did you know about it?”

“I did my research when I bought the plane tickets, don’t worry about it.” Dan just grinned in response. Something he loved about his boyfriend was his spontaneity and the endless amount of great ideas he always had. 

The elevator opened, revealing more staircases. Dan opened his mouth to ask another question, but closed it again when Phil pressed his hand on his lower back, leading him to the staircase. Dan looked up as he climbed, trying to get an idea of where this led them, but to no avail for all he could see were more staircases. 

Phil leaped up the stairs, encouraging Dan to hurry for the worry of missing it -- whatever ‘it’ was. But Dan bounded up the stairs as quickly as possible, regardless of the burning sensation in his lungs; after all there were four staircases. When they finally reached the top,  Phil opened a door which brought the two of them to a rooftop viewing area, littered with flowers and chairs which looked over Madrid perfectly. 

“Wow,” Dan mumbled, walking up to the railing and observing the city. The warm golden glow of the setting sun set a golden light upon the city. He could see the tall white buildings that stretched to the mountains and the grand architecture of the city hall. “Phil, you never cease to amaze me,” He said, turning around and facing him. 

“That’s why they call me AmazingPhil..”

Dan rolled his eyes as a cheeky grin spread across his face. “Only you would ruin a perfectly romantic moment with a terrible pun.”

Phil smiled and wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, pulling him against him and kissing him. Every ounce of love each man felt for the other was expressed in this kiss as their lips molded together perfectly. Dan’s hands rested on the side of Phil’s face, breathing in his scent and enjoying his soft lips as they lazily moved against his own.

“You’re missing the sun set,” He whispered against Dan’s lips, finally finding the strength to pull away.

“It’s worth it,” He responded, but turned around nonetheless, facing the sunset once again. Phil wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head on Dan’s shoulder. This moment, he vowed to himself to never forget. Because in this moment, there’s no such thing as cancer and there’s no limit on their time together. In this moment, it’s just Dan and Phil, like always.

As the sun went down, replacing the sky with black and millions of glowing stars, Dan and Phil kissed once more before making the trek back to their hotel. They made their way back to the room, ignoring their suitcases that have yet to be unpacked and instead became lost in each other.

-

Their next, and final, day in Madrid was spent experiencing the Spanish culture by having authentic meals at nice restaurants and touring the Royal Palace of Madrid along with Puerta del Sol, which was a busy square not too far from the hotel. By the time they were sitting down at a quaint restaurant for dinner, the two of them were exhausted. They had spent the entire day walking and sightseeing; and travelling can cause a lot of fatigue, especially for the younger of the two. Dan and Phil ordered a traditional Spanish dish, paella, along with some expensive wine. Phil was determined to treat Dan to the best of anything and everything. He wanted to make this trip as unforgettable as possible. And in Dan’s opinion, he was doing a pretty damn good job of it.

The restaurant was dimly lit with a few candles sitting on each table and classical music was playing softly through the speakers. It was the ultimate romantic atmosphere. The waiter returned with the bottle of red wine and filled their two glasses before taking their orders and leaving once again. 

“To Spain,” Dan said, lifting his glass.

“To Spain. And to us,” Phil added. “And many more happy memories to come.” 

Their glasses clinked and they smiled at each other before taking a sip. 

“How are you feeling?” Phil asked as they ate.

Dan looked up from the rice dish. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, so how are you really feeling? ”

“Maybe not so fine,” He admitted with a sigh. Phil was the one person he never could hide anything from. “I’m just exhausted and I’m beginning to feel a little nauseous.”

“Okay, let’s just go back to the hotel then, yeah? You can get some sleep and then tomorrow we’re traveling to Toledo so at least you’ll have more of a chance to rest.”

Dan nodded, grateful for his boyfriend’s understanding. He knows they should be out in the city, exploring more of it, but he just can’t bring himself to. The exhaustion was setting in and by now they’ve already toured most of the city, so he was content with going back to their room. They finished eating, paid the bill and made their way back to the hotel, which was only a few blocks from there.

The bed was softer than Dan remembered, and with Phil’s arms around his waist, he was lulled to sleep within seconds. Phil, however wasn’t so lucky. He nuzzled his head into Dan’s brown hair and sighed, breathing in his familiar scent. When Dan is gone, he wants to always remember what he smells like, because to him it’s the best smell in the entire world.

The train ride to Toledo was only a half hour, which was a much shorter ride than either of them had anticipated. This didn’t stop Dan from sleeping, though, and besides, it was a good thing he was getting so much sleep because now he’d feel much more energized for their day there.

Phil looked out the window at passing countryside filled with olive trees. As much as he loved Madrid, he was excited to get somewhere a little less hectic. Toledo is that city that you picture when you think of Spain. It’s old and each building which is made of stone sits on a hillside with a river running around it. It was picturesque, had plenty of character and was incredibly romantic. The perfect destination for the two of them. 

As the time passed, an outline of the city soon became evident in the horizon. Phil gently kissed Dan on the temple, waking him up so he could enjoy the view. Phil couldn’t help but gasp as they drove closer, it really was beautiful, even better than he had imagined. Dan grinned as they came to a stop at the station in the heart of Toledo. He lightly pecked Phil’s cheek before grabbing Phil’s hand and pulling them out of the train seat.

The city was much quieter, there weren’t any hotels in Toledo, so the only people out and about were ones that resided there -- and there weren’t many of them. They spent the first half of their day at a sword factory and then went and got lunch at a small rustic cafe which was delicious. Then Phil grabbed Dan’s hand, and dragged him towards the other side of the city they hadn’t been to yet.

“Where are we going to now?” He questioned.

“Don’t always worry about where we’re going, just enjoy the adventure.”

“Well, you can’t exactly blame me for not wanting to get lost in a foreign country,” Dan muttered, but with a grin on his face nonetheless. Phil just rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore that remark.

“Wouldn’t it be cool to live here?” Phil observed, eyes wandering across each unique stone building they passed.

“Yeah, it really would. It’d be very different from London -- but a good different. Maybe someday you could live here,” He suggested.

“No, I don’t think I’d want to come back here without you.”

“Phil..” Dan started, but stopped himself. Now wasn’t the time to talk about it. “Okay, I get that.” He said instead. Phil smiled, grateful for that and gave Dan’s hand a squeeze. 

Their adventure, as Phil referred to it, soon brought them to a set of stairs, also made of stone, which was built into the hillside, and next to it was an escalator that was more recently added. 

“Wow, was not expecting to come across stairs, let alone a bloody escalator,” Dan laughed as they stepped foot on the escalator.

“Of all things to stumble across in a hillside,” Phil agreed, but he knew this is exactly where he was leading them. Like he said before, he did his research before coming here. 

It took only a minute for them to reach the top and when they did, the sight was breathtaking. They were now at the highest part of the hill, overlooking the lower part of the city. They were surrounded by wildflowers and more stone buildings and churches. 

“This is amazing,” Dan breathed out, looking out at the view. Phil hummed in agreement and wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him close. A slight breeze was present as gold began to appear in the sky as the day transitioned into evening. “You have no idea how much I love you,” He mumbled.

“I think I have an idea,” Phil replied, turning and facing Dan, giving him a quick kiss. 

“Before I met you, Dan, I didn’t really have a purpose in life. Sure, I had Youtube, uni and my family. But nothing that put a smile on my face before I went to bed and one immediately when I woke up -- until I met you. You changed everything about me. I had something of substance in my life, and soon my life began to revolve you. You made me the happiest person on Earth, something I never thought would be possible. But you made everything seem possible. I can’t imagine what life will be like without you, nor do I want to. So until that time comes, I’m going to enjoy every second, every day and every moment I get with you, because I know these will be the best memories of my existence. With you, I am whole. We’re Dan and Phil. I’m not just Phil anymore, because I’m not complete without you. So, with that being said,” Phil paused, reaching in his pocket for the black velvet box in his pocket. He got down on one knee and looked up at Dan. “Will you marry me?”

Dan gasped, blinking away the excess moisture in his eyes. “Of course, you spoon! That’s not even a question,” He exclaimed, reaching down and messily kissing Phil. Phil grinned, his eyes also watering and slipped the silver band onto his ring finger. “You’re perfect, you really are.” 

“No, that’s you, bear. You’re the perfect one,” Phil murmured against his lips, pulling him against him once more.

-

The rest of their time in Spain was spent in Seville, where they watched flamenco dancers, and even got dragged on stage to dance with them, and where they toured big tourism destinations, like the Seville Bullfighting Ring, and Plaza Espana, where Star Wars was filmed (this was their personal favorite.)

By the time their week was over, they were both ready to go home. As amazing and beautiful as Spain was, it wasn’t home. So, when they finally made it back to their flat in London it was a relief. Phil immediately went to bed, exhausted and crashed, while Dan went into the office. He shuffled through the list of papers on the desk before he came across the one he was looking for. Dan grabbed a pen from the desk and crossed off the fifth item on his bucket list, which was about Spain. 

Just as he was about to put it away, he stopped when he read number six, ‘get married’ and grinned to himself. He ran his thumb over the still unfamiliar band on his ring finger, hardly believing that Phil proposing to him wasn’t a dream. Really, he was too lucky to have Phil by his side. Dan ran his finger over the item he written so hastily that night, unsure if he’d complete it or not, but now, with the silver ring on his finger, he let out a quiet laugh at the thought he’d be crossing it off all too soon.

Chapter Text

Winter was one of those seasons that always seemed to drag on, especially with the much-anticipated warm weather on the horizon. But for Dan and Phil it quickly passed. When time is limited, it slips through fingers that much quicker. Dan’s health had stayed about the same; each morning he would take his pills to put off his fatigue and subdue his constant headaches. Eventually things began to feel okay – even normal. Well, almost normal. Because then Dan would wake up in the middle of the night, nauseous and the contents of his stomach would be emptied into the toilet, reminding them of their reality.

When Dan created his bucket list, he estimated his time was nearly up, but it turns out he had underestimated it, which is much better than the alternative. Recently he had a checkup with his specialists and found out the cancer wasn’t progressing as aggressive as anticipated -- leaving him with an extra few months. If lucky, he might even live to see his twenty-fourth birthday. Dan and Phil decided to be optimistic.

With this newfound knowledge, the two of them decided to plan an actual wedding – one that they both had envisioned from the beginning. So, during those cold, frigid months, they sat curled up under a blanket, beside the fire planning out every last detail with hot chocolate and coffee in their hands. They set the date for the beginning of March, deciding it would be best to do it when Dan is feeling his healthiest. 

Invitations were sent out, a band was booked, a caterer was called, and a venue was chosen. Suddenly, it felt a whole lot more real. The last remaining months leading up to their wedding flew by, as they became busy with planning, spending time with friends and family and of course spending every other second with each other. Both were determined to make the most of this gift that were the extra few months Dan was given.

This brings Dan to where he is now: looking into a mirror in his suit and tie, nervously fixing his fringe until it was sitting absolutely perfect. He frowned at his reflection. The suit hung loosely off his frame, no longer fitting like the custom-tailored suit he originally ordered. The moment felt rather sobering, reminding him that yes, he was actually sick, and no, he wasn’t magically better. He only looked away from his reflection when he heard the door open and his eyes were met with his mom’s.

“How are you feeling?” She asked softly, 

“Excited. Nervous. A mixture of the two, I suppose.”

She smiled and nodded understanding. “I remember that feeling all too well.”

“I don’t even know why I feel nervous,” He admitted, going back to fixing his fringe. “I mean it’s Phil I’m marrying.”

“That’s perfectly normal,” She replied, batting his hand away from his hair and straightening his tie. “I’d be worried if you weren’t nervous. Besides, you and Phil are perfect for each other. I’ve never seen you happier than when you and Phil met.”

Dan grinned at that; it was true. Up until he met Phil, he always thought he was happy. But it turns out he didn’t know what actual happiness felt like until he met his best friend. Just like he didn’t know what being in love actually felt like until they met, either. Before meeting him, he thought he had been in love before, but then Phil came into his life and showed him how easy and right it can be. And he hasn’t forgotten since. Suddenly Dan was feeling a lot less nervous.

 “You’re right, Mom. Thanks,” He replied, pulling her into a tight hug. He closed his eyes and appreciated the moment, knowing full well this is most likely the last time he’ll be seeing his mom. She must have been thinking the same thing, for she quietly sniffed a few times and when they broke apart, she quickly wiped at her eyes.

“Alright, enough of that,” She teased. “Now get out there and marry him.” 

 Dan didn’t need to be told twice.

The ceremony was beautiful. The decorations all came together in the end, and their vows didn’t leave a dry eye in the room, especially with ‘in sickness and in health’ lingering in the air. As Dan and Phil kissed sealing their marriage, Dan believed this had to be the happiest he’s ever been. Every last bit of sadness and dread associated with the cancer vanished, and all that was left consuming Dan’s thoughts was Phil.

Somehow the reception managed to be even better. Mood lighting cast the room in a warm, inviting glow, with grand floor to ceiling windows letting in the moon light, and dark tables strewn about. It was undoubtedly perfect. As they ate, their friends and family made toasts, reflecting on the monumental parts in their relationship. PJ teased Phil about how flustered he was after first meeting Dan, and the pink blush that was permanently on his cheeks. Chris told funny anecdotes about the two, giving the guests a much-needed reprise from the flow of tears. The night continued to go by very quickly, barely giving them the time to take it all in. And before they knew it, "Sea of Love" by Langhorne Slim was playing and it was time for their first dance.

Phil led Dan to the dance floor and pulled him in close, as their friends and family watched with smiles on their faces. It was the first time that night they were able to be alone with the other. They had grown so accustomed to spending time just the two of them, that it was a bit of an adjustment to be surrounded by loved ones. It wasn’t a bad thing; it was just a bit exhausting to be the center of attention and constantly socializing. 

I saw you there, that's when I knew

That I was born to be with you

When good love shines, I feel it, too

Take me with you, take me with you

The lyrics began to ring out as Dan smiled at Phil, his dark eyes meeting with Phil’s shining blue ones. “I love you; you know that?” He muttered, a smile spreading across his face.

“I think the fact that you married me today affirmed just that,” Phil teased.

“It’s so weird that we’re married now. It makes me feel so old.”

Phil softly laughed at that and tightened his grip on Dan. “Just promise me one thing?”

So, I build a boat to sail

I swear I'll never fail you

Oh, we'll sail into the sun

Take my hand and run into

The sea of love

“Anything. But I already married you, so I can’t imagine what else you could possibly want.”

Phil’s lips tugged up in response. “Promise me that we won’t become one of those boring married couples.”

“Phil, I think no matter how hard we tried, we could never become a boring couple,” He scoffed.

“That’s very true,” He laughed in turn. “And there’s one more thing.” Phil added, whispering close to Dan’s ear.

“I’m listening.”

“That we’ll still have a lot of sex.”

Dan immediately felt his face flush and rolled his eyes at his husband. “Jesus, Phil. We’re surrounded by our families right now!” 

“Oh, they can’t hear anything we’re saying. Besides your reaction was completely worth the risk,” Phil teased. “So, will you promise me that?”

“Like I could ever resist you,” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear, grinning at the similar reaction he had. “Besides, as long as we’re married, we’ll still be in the honeymoon stage. So technically we’ll be having the opposite problem.”

“Technically we’ve been in the honeymoon stage since we first met. Because like you said, you never could resist me.”

Dan playfully rolled his eyes, planting a quick kiss on Phil’s cheek, not bothering to deny it.

And we will swim without our clothes

And watch the waves, see where they'll go

When waters rise, they sometimes do

I'll be with you, I'll be with you

“You were right about the song,” Dan commented as they swayed to the music.

“I don’t mean to say I told you so, but –”

“God, Phil. We haven’t even been married for a day and we’re already bickering like it’s been years.”

“Hey, you would be boasting, too!”

Once again, Dan didn’t bother to deny that. Dan had spent all night a few weeks back trying to find the perfect song for their first dance. He relistened through the entire Muse discography, scoured playlists online, and even stooped so low as to frequent wedding websites. But nothing felt like it fit. Phil suggested to wait it out, assuring Dan they would come across the right song in the right moment. Dan was skeptical, of course. But as usual, Phil was right and that’s exactly what happened.

They were driving along the English countryside on their way home after a visit to Dan’s family. The sun was streaming through the car windows, the radio playing softly in the background, when this song came on.

So, I build a boat to sail

I swear I'll never fail you

Oh, we'll sail into the sun

Take my hand and run into

The sea of love

Wordlessly, Phil turned up the volume, looking over at Dan with a soft smile. Dan returned it, resting his hand on Phil’s leg as they continued driving. He listened to the lyrics and the soft melody and he just knew. The song was great, and the moment was perfect. As it came to an end, Dan glanced at Phil and saw the emotion on his face.

“We just found our song, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, I think we did.”

I saw you there, that's when I knew

That I was born to be with you

When good love shines, I feel it, too

Take me with you, take me with you

The last few notes rang out and the guests clapped, a few pausing to wipe at their eyes. Dan grinned and pulled Phil in for another kiss. His lips were soft and reassuring amongst the chaos that was their wedding. They reluctantly pulled away from each other with a slight blush on their cheeks.

The night continued like before -- their families pulling them in different directions wanting to congratulate and have a dance with them. As fun as it was, Phil could tell Dan was getting exhausted, so he managed to sneak away, taking one of the expensive bottles of wine off the head table and pulled Dan away from one of his cousins.

“Where are we going?” Dan questioned with a smile tugging at his lips.

“Just wait and see. You’re always so impatient.”

“Well, it’s hard not to be when you’re constantly dragging me to unknown whereabouts without telling me anything.”

“Oh, just relax,” Phil retorted, dragging him down a hall until he found an abandoned room that was unlocked. “I thought it would be nice to sneak away for a little bit and have some time to ourselves. For it being our wedding, I sure don’t get a lot of time with you.”

“Won’t everyone miss us?”

“Who cares,” Phil replied, popping open the bottle and pouring them each a glass. “It’s our reception, we’re allowed to go missing for a while.”

Dan laughed at that, graciously taking the wine from Phil and taking a sip. “That’s true. After all, we are newlyweds, they’ll probably think we snuck off to some broom closet or something.”

“Oh God, you’re probably right,” Phil realized, scrunching up his nose. “I don’t want our families to think that’s what we’re doing.”

“You’re the one that wanted me to promise we’d still have sex all the time,” Dan retorted with a shrug and a large smile on his face. He didn’t care what his family or friends thought of their momentary disappearance. He just cared spending some alone time with Phil. So, he’s using that as an excuse to escape from the achingly boring congratulatory small talk with extended family. At that thought, he took another swig from his glass and sat on the floor of the empty room, with Phil joining him.

“This is perfect,” Dan observed. “It really is. This is so like us to sneak away from a party to get some alone time.”

His husband laughed at that, reminiscing about all those instances they’ve done just that -- whether it was Vidcon or Playlist Live, they would always sneak away just the two of them. “I know, you’d think we be sick of each other by now.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m only staying here for this wine,” Dan teased, hugging the wine bottle closer to himself. Phil rolled his eyes in response.

“Yes, I can tell by the way you’re practically draped across me.”

“That’s just because you’re comfortable,” He mumbled against the older. 

The two of them stayed there long enough to finish most of the wine before figuring they should get back to their own reception. A few eyebrows were raised at their sudden return, but nothing was said to them. After all, it was their wedding.

The rest of the night went by even more quickly. Dan and Phil shared a few more slow dances and sweet kisses, they talked with more family and drank a little more wine before the night came to an end. By the time the last guest left, and they got in the taxi waiting to take them to their hotel, Dan was fast asleep on Phil’s shoulder.

 Married life wasn’t very different than what they have grown used to. After all, they’ve lived together for six years and dated for nearly seven. Some nights when Dan would have trouble falling asleep, he would look at the ring on his left hand and run his thumb along it, still having a hard time believing it was actually real. 

The silver ring became a comfort to him. When he would get stressed or think about his short amount of time left, he would run his thumb along the band, and he’d be reminded of Phil and suddenly everything seemed okay. This doesn’t mean he always had it together -- some nights Phil would hold Dan close, wrapping his arms tighter as the younger cried about how unfair life was. Phil would agree, silently wiping away his own tears.

It wasn’t easy, but they were happy for the time being, and that’s what mattered. They continued to focus on the present and completing Dan’s list. Spring quickly turned into summer and the weather became much nicer. With that, came worse headaches for Dan. Even his strongest medications wouldn’t completely eradicate them, but rather just dull them. He learned to live with them, however.

Because of this, Phil decided to book a weekend for them at a beach house a few hours away. It would be best to do this sooner than later so Dan could fully enjoy completing another bucket list item. The days leading up to it were filled with cuddling on the couch while watching anime, playing Mario Kart and packing between the two. It was the perfect way to spend their time, although really anything involving Phil was Dan’s favorite way to spend time. 

The drive to the beach house was just under three hours, which was the perfect amount of time for Dan to take a nap and feel fully refreshed upon arrival. Phil had found and booked the beach house and it was absolutely beautiful. It was right on the beach, with the ocean softly

lapping against its shore. It was small, with large windows filling most of the light blue siding, which had a few paint chips flaking off. There was a light wooden deck just outside of the sliding glass patio door. Some sun faded outdoor furniture was scattered along it, with string lights wrapped around the railing. The inside was just as cozy, with light wooden floors and pale blue walls. There was a kitchenette, a small round kitchen table, and a seating area. There was no television, but there were large white bookshelves, packed with books of every size and color.

Phil quickly brought their bags to the equally cozy bedroom, not bothering to unpack quite yet. Instead, they decided to put on their swim trunks, lather themselves in sunscreen and enjoy the beach and the nice weather. It was a miracle, really, that the weekend was forecasted to be sunny, with low chances of rain. Especially considering this time of year in England, which is why they decided to soak it in as much as possible.

The beach was peaceful and just what they needed: the waves rhythmically lapped against the sandy shore, which was calming as the warm sun beat down. They spent most of the day alternating between lying on the soft sand, relaxing and cooling off in the blue water, laughing. It was an epitome of the perfect day.

“Hey Phil?” Dan asked, looking up at the sky as the sun began to slowly set, leaving hues of pink and orange behind in its wake.

“Yeah?” He sat up properly on the sand and turned to look at Dan.

“What’s your favorite memory of us?”

Phil chewed on his bottom lip as years of fond memories and dreams that became reality ran through his mind. “That’s a hard question,” He started. But of course, only one memory stood out amongst the millions of others. “But I’d definitely have to say when we first met, at that train station.”

“Really?”  Dan questioned, a smile stretching wide across his face as he pushed his sunglasses further up his nose.

“Of course. I can still remember it so clearly. I was so nervous. I felt like a mess.”

“Well, you hid it very well,” Dan teased.

“Oh, shut up. But that moment when I saw you step off that train, and our eyes first made contact, I swear my heart nearly stopped. And when you came running to me, and I wrapped you in a hug…” Phil paused, a faraway look in his eyes. “Yeah, that will always be my favorite memory by far. It was surreal and suddenly you felt more real to me. I didn’t want to let go, but I remember doing so reluctantly so I wouldn’t scare you away. But then I grabbed your hand instead.”

Dan grinned, his dimples becoming more prominent and rested his head against Phil’s shoulder. “Yeah, that was definitely one of the best days of my life. And if it’s any consolation, I didn’t want you to let go, either.”

Phil laughed, and leaned against Dan as well. “So, what about you? What’s your favorite memory of us?”

“You’re right, that is hard. I mean, I could also say it was when we first met, or when we got married, or I could even say right now because every moment with you is my favorite. But if I had to choose one, it would be when we first moved in together.”

“It is?” Phil asked surprised. “I wouldn’t have expected that.”

“Yeah, because for the first time I didn’t have to worry about leaving you again. I knew that when I would wake up, you’d still be there. And when I go to the store, you’d be there when I came back. I no longer would have to worry about the limited amount of time we’d have together before one of us would have to leave. I think it was the comfort knowing I couldn’t lose you that makes that my favorite memory.”

Phil smiled at that, as he blinked away tears, careful to not let Dan see. He chose to not think about the fact that now, they do have to worry about limited time once again. So instead, he pulled Dan closer and softly kissed him. He tasted like cranberries from his drink and smelled like coconut from the sunscreen. Dan kissed him back, slowly relishing in the feeling of Phil against him. For the first time in months, it wasn’t rushed. Clothes weren’t fervently thrown off the other as if they were racing against an invisible clock. Instead, they took their time. Phil rested his hand on the back of Dan’s head, pulling him closer, savoring the taste and feel of him, of the closeness.

Phil managed to pull away as the sun sank lower, leaving them coated in moonlight. They only went inside when the sand began to feel cold beneath them and a cool breeze off the water gave them a chill. They headed to the bedroom, collapsed on the bed and were soon both asleep, legs tangled against each other.

The next morning Dan and Phil were awoken to rain thundering against the roof and bedroom windows. Dan groaned and pulled the pillow over his ears. “So much for a sunny forecast,” he mumbled, voice muffled against the pillow.

Phil slid on his glasses, squinting at the bright light of his phone. “It’s supposed to clear before the afternoon, so you’ll still have sun.”

Dan mumbled something incoherent in response and rolled over. Phil forced himself into the kitchenette and fiddled with the mini coffee maker, knowing it was the only sure way to coax Dan out of bed. He looked out the window as the rain continued to fall, thinking back to last fall when he and Dan danced in the rain. He closed his eyes with a faint smile tugging on his lips, only to be interrupted by the final gurgle of the coffee maker. Phil grabbed two of the most colorful mugs, filled them and brought them back to the bedroom. Dan was awake now, having smelt the coffee brewing. He gratefully took the mug, taking a sip of the scalding drink.

“God, I love you.”

“Are you talking to me or the coffee?”

“Can’t it be both?”

“I suppose. I’d never dream of making you choose between me or coffee.”

“Smart man.” They stayed like that for a while, snuggled beneath the fluffy comforter listening to the rain fall. Sure enough, the forecast was correct, and the rain cleared, leaving the bright sun and a few wispy clouds in its wake.

The rest of the day was spent much like the first -- lazily lying on the beach, talking and laughing, and swimming when they needed to cool down. As evening came around, they ordered a pizza, took a quick nap while watching a movie and headed back out to the beach, to appreciate the night sky and talk.

“The stars are beautiful,” Dan sighed, leaning against Phil.

“They really are. You can’t see them like this in London.”

Dan leaned back onto his elbows, appreciating the beauty of the millions of stars glowing above him. “No, you can’t. I’m really glad we came here.”

“Me too,” Phil agreed, looking over at Dan, whose thoughtful expression was illuminated by the moon. “Now come on,” He added, standing up and dragging Dan with him.

“We just got out here!”

“I know, we aren’t going inside yet.” He replied, taking off his shirt.

“Then what are you doing?” Dan questioned. But Phil just laughed, pulling down his shorts and boxers before making his way to the water. “Oh.”

Number 7: Go skinny dipping.

Dan grinned and stripped himself of his clothes, as well before joining Phil in the water.

“Fuck this is freezing!” Dan hissed as he caught up to Phil, who was in water up to his chest.

“Hey, it was on your list.”

“I didn’t imagine the water would be this cold when I made the last,” He mumbled, inhaling sharply as his body began to adjust to the cool water.

“This is kind of nice, though,” Phil replied, a slight smile on his face. Dan couldn’t help but agree. The moon made Phil look like he was practically glowing in the soft light, highlighting his cheekbones, and the smooth panes of his chest. While the water was freezing, he felt like every nerve ending was on fire. "You know what this makes me think of?"

"Our wedding?"

"Yes! Our first dance. What was the lyric? 'And we will swim without our clothes. And watch the waves, see where they'll go-"

"When waters rise, they sometimes do," Dan continued.

"I'll be with you." Phil whispered. "I'll be with you."

Dan just hummed in response and wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck before kissing him. Phil smiled into the kiss and deepened it, tangling his fingers in his brown hair. Their mouths slotted against each other’s perfectly, moving together perfectly in sync. Dan groaned into against his lips as he moved himself flush up against Phil. The kiss continued to heat up as their hands fervently explored each other’s bodies, with waves lapping peacefully around them. Phil reached down and grabbed Dan’s legs, wrapping them right around his hips. They both groaned at the contact and continued kissing.

“As much as I love you,” Phil panted, finally pulling away. “This isn’t worth getting hypothermia over. Let’s take this inside.”

Dan grinned at that, pressed a quick kiss to his lips and rushed to get inside. Sex is one of those rare occasions that Dan will ever move quickly for.

The next morning, they drank coffee on the deck outside, enjoying the peacefulness of the ocean before having to leave it to return to busy London.

“This has been a great weekend.” Dan sighed.

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“I’m looking forward to going home, but at the same time I don’t want to leave this place.”

“Because when we get home, everything becomes real again, right?” Phil asked, softly.

 “Yeah,” He agreed. “When we’re on vacation, I feel like we’re in a bubble and can ignore the outside world. It’s like we can forget about all of the shitty things in life and just focus on each other, you know?”

“We don’t have to go back,” Phil suggested.

“No, I know. I do want to go back. It’s just -- it’s nice getting to escape myself for a while.”

Phil nodded, “I completely understand.” And he really did. Vacation was the perfect opportunity to distract him from all of his frantic thoughts of what life is going to be like without Dan. Unpleasant thoughts like that were constantly going through his mind, and it was hard to just focus on the present when the future is so dim. “Well, when we get home, let’s just stay in our bubble a little while longer.”

Dan grinned at that. “I’d really like that.”

Chapter Text

The next few weeks passed by extremely quickly. Cool, spring weather soon began to turn into sweltering heat of the upcoming summer. Dan and Phil spent as much time together as possible, all too aware that their good days together were winding down. Whether it was watching movies, playing video games or going on one of Phil’s spontaneous adventures, they were always side by side. 

With the passing of time, came much worse headaches and nausea for Dan. He could feel his health deteriorating very quickly and he began to lose his energy much faster. This worried, Phil of course, but Dan brushed it off, claiming he was fine. But the dark bags under his eyes said otherwise. The two of them continued to make the most of their time together.

 As time continued to pass, Phil could slowly feel Dan slipping away from him. His personality was no longer like the Dan he used to know, not that he could blame him. The doctors said it was completely normal and to be expected. But nothing could ever prepare him for losing his best friend and his husband -- mentally or physically. He also began to lose weight at an alarming rate as his appetite also disappeared. His face became gaunt and Phil could now count Dan’s ribs as his nearly translucent skin was barely stretched across them.

It wasn’t until the end of May that Phil felt like he had Dan back, even if it was momentarily. Dan had woken up that morning with a headache that was much less severe than usual, and miraculously, no nausea. He smiled as the sun came shining through their bedroom window, bathing the room in a golden light. He stretched and curled up against Phil, marveling in this feeling that so closely resembled normal. Dan and Phil were completely unaware that this would be their last good day together. 

Dan and Phil had decided to go out for dinner at a nice restaurant that night, to celebrate not only Dan’s temporary good health, but also their three-month wedding anniversary. Three months may seem inconsequential to most married couples, but to Dan and Phil it was different. With such limited time, every day was worth celebrating. 

That night they ordered the most expensive food and wine on the menu, determined to treat themselves and not think of any consequences. Because at this moment all that mattered to the two of them was the other. Dinner was filled with laughter, reminiscing and their usual banter. It was just like the way things were before Dan’s diagnosis. 

“We’re not going home?” Dan questioned after dinner, tearing his gaze away from the car window.

“No, I have something else in mind.”

Dan raised his eyebrows at that but chose not to question any further. By now, he learned that asking where Phil was taking him never did any good. He gazed out the window as buildings soon turned into trees, and they were just outside of London. As the car was pulled into park, Dan tore his gaze away from the window, and questioningly looked at Phil.

“You don’t know where we are?”

“Other than the middle of nowhere? No, I don’t.”

Phil grinned and unbuckled his seatbelt, leaping out of the car. “What’s the item left on your bucket list, Dan?”

“Star gaze until the sun rises.” Dan recited, a smile making its way across his face. 

“Exactly. Since you’re feeling well today, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity.”

“You’re the best,” Dan replied. “Really, you are. I wouldn’t have been able to complete this list without you.”

“Sure, you would have. But you would’ve been forced to do the actual planning, instead of making me do it.” Phil teased, but in reality, he loved being the one to make sure all of this happened for Dan. 

“You came prepared.” Dan observed, as Phil grabbed a blanket and a bottle of wine out of the back of the car.

“Of course, we’ll be here awhile so I grabbed the necessities.” 

Dan grinned as Phil grabbed his hand and led him to the top of a large hill, which gave them the perfect view of the stars in the clear sky. The edge of London could vaguely be seen on the edge of the horizon, which granted them the sight of millions of stars, stretching on for as far as the eye could see. This view was even better than when they were on the beach the night they went skinny dipping. 

“How did you find this place?”

“I did some research,” Phil said shrugging as he laid out the blanket on the soft grass.

“Well, this is amazing -- even better than how I pictured it,” Dan replied in awe. And it really was even better than he imagined. Not only was the view breathtaking, but the warm May air was just the perfect temperature. A slight breeze slightly blew, cooling their skin, as they lay on the thick blanket, wrapped up in each other. Dan rested his head against Phil’s chest, feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, and his steady heartbeat.

“Hey Phil?” Dan asked, breaking the comfortable silence after a while.

“Yeah, Dan?”

“What do you think happens after we die?”

There was a long pause, as Phil thought of an answer. “I’m not really sure. But I like to think that a place like Heaven exists, you know? Or that your loved ones are watching over you and protecting you.”

“I like to think that, too.” Dan whispered, afraid if he talked any louder his voice would crack, revealing his emotions. “Or maybe I can come back and haunt you. You know, write dirty messages for you throughout the loft, and change your screensaver to inappropriate things. All that typical ghost stuff,”

“You mean typical Dan stuff. I’ve never heard of a ghost that writes dirty messages for the person they’re supposed to be haunting.” Phil replied, thankful for the lighter tone the conversation took on.

“Well, you know, I could be the first ghost to do that, and maybe I’ll start a trend or something,” Dan joked, causing Phil to just roll his eyes.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yet you still put up with me.”

“Shocking, isn’t it.” Phil retorted, holding in a laugh.

As the night wore on and the two of them talked and passed the wine bottle back and forth, fatigue began to take over, and before Dan knew it, he was fast asleep. Phil smiled at that and turned his attention back to the night sky. Stars stretched on for as far as he could see, lighting the vast darkness that was beyond them. 

Their conversation from earlier rang through Phil’s head, and he thought about what happens after death. He never had strong religious beliefs; he always wished he did, but it was never something he was very passionate about. This made it difficult for him to find comfort in a ‘better place’ for those who die. But he still liked to believe that there was something out in the dark, vast void that was death. He liked to believe that there was a comforting white light, that takes away all of your pain and exchanges it for only peacefulness. Phil chose to believe that there was some sort of life after death, because it makes losing Dan just a little bit less painful.

Phil became lost in his thoughts for the next hour, only getting snapped out of them when he noticed the dark black that was the sky began to turn into a dull grey. He gently pressed a kiss against Dan’s temple, waking him up.

Dan sat up groggily, blinking away any last traces of sleep. 

“The sun is about to rise,” Phil told him, sitting upright. Dan joined him and rested his head against Phil’s shoulder.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep that long.”

“It’s fine, bear. You were only asleep a little over an hour. Besides, you need your sleep.”

Dan smiled gratefully and watched as a speck of light appeared on the dark horizon. The dull grey soon began to evolve into a glowing golden orange as the sun made its appearance. Orange turned into a light pink vibrant streaks were sent across the sky, replacing the once dark sky with newfound bright colors. Dan sighed contently and leaned more into Phil, enjoying the sight.

It was at this moment that Phil decided there had to be some sort of life after death. If these bright, lively colors can replace the dark black sky every morning, then surely there also had to be light that replaced the darkness that was death. And that thought brought comfort to Phil. He turned and looked at Dan in the new morning light and pulled him close, kissing him gently. He poured every ounce of love and fondness into the kiss, while expressing sorrow that they had such limited time together. Their life together could have been something truly spectacular, had they been given the time. Dan sighed into the kiss, returning Phil’s passion.

It’s like Phil could imagine what could have been: annual anniversary trips celebrating their marriage, the day the adoption papers went through, and they began to navigate life as parents, watching their child get married, meeting their grandchild for the first time, retiring and becoming grouchy but staying just as in love with the other by their side. The memories that never were flashed through Phil’s mind in a quick second like someone had a photo projector that they were quickly clicking through. Then it was gone, and he was reminded that time is cruel, and life is unfair and none of those things were possible. Nevertheless, he was grateful for the extraordinary life he got to lead with Dan in their short amount of time together. Phil pulled away, giving Dan one last quick kiss before pulling him to his feet. “Did this live up to your expectations?” Phil questioned, pulling him against him in the morning chill.

“Surpassed them,” Dan muttered, his voice muffled against Phil’s chest. He just squeezed harder in response, finding it too difficult to use his voice.

Over the next two weeks, Dan’s health began to spiral downwards even quicker. His head would pound, he could no longer keep a meal down and was losing weight very fast. The cancer was aggressive, and he could feel his body losing the war against it. Phil could see this in Dan’s eyes. The warm glow that used to be there was no longer present, instead it was replaced by a dull emptiness. He wavered in and out of consciousness most days, not having the strength to fight it anymore. He was just so tired. His body was losing a battle it never had any chance of winning and he was weak.

It was Thursday morning when it happened.

Dan didn’t have the energy to get out of bed when he woke up. His breath was shallow, and he struggled to breathe in and out. His breath rattled in his ribcage and he could barely lift the comforter off of himself. Surprising, Dan found himself comforted by it. After battling against the cancer, the fight was about to finally end and there would be no more pain, just peaceful oblivion. Phil, on the other hand didn’t have the same breakthrough. Instead, he was panicked and in denial of the situation. No amount of books about grieving or resources provided to him by the hospital could prepare him for this moment.

“Dan, we need to get you to the hospital,” He urged. “I’m going to call an ambulance, okay? They’ll be able to do something.”

“Phil, stop.” Dan wheezed. 

“No, Dan. I can’t lose you yet. I’m not ready --”

“Phil, would you listen to me?” His voice rasped and his breath rattled.

“No, listen to me. I’m nothing without you Dan. What am I going to do without you here? You’re my best friend, my husband, my soul mate –”

“Phil, please,” his voice barely rose above a whisper.

 “I don’t know who I am without you next to me.” Phil continued, in a frenzy. “Don’t leave me yet, please don’t,” He sobbed. Dan summoned the strength to sit up, and fervently pressed his lips against his husband’s, successfully quieting him.

 “Phil, it’s okay. Will you do one thing for me?” He summed all of his strength to make his voice come out in more than a strangled whisper.

“I’d do anything for you.”

“Just lay with me,” He said, a weak smile on his face, suddenly feeling more out of breath and unable to catch it.

Phil wiped away his tears and nodded, joining Dan in his bed. He wrapped his arms around the younger, pulling his brittle frame against his own. Phil took a deep breath, and ran his fingers through Dan’s messy brown hair, taking in his scent. Dan’s breaths became shallower as he quickly sat up, digging in his nightstand for a moment.

 “What are you doing?” Phil questioned.

“Nothing,” Dan answered, and fell back into his arms. The room was quiet except for Dan’s rattling breath as his chest heaved up and down as he fought for air. Phil looked down at Dan, and met his gaze, light blue on dark brown.

“I love you,” Dan whispered as he exhaled for one last time and the room was filled with a deafening silence.

 -

Following Dan’s funeral, Phil refused to leave their home. He wrapped himself in Dan’s duvet and an old sweater, and stayed in the flat, constantly reminded of Dan by the surroundings. 

Days quickly turned into weeks, and Phil still hadn’t left for any reason. His family and friends were worried, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was Dan and Dan was gone. It wasn’t until one day that he was looking through their nightstand for extra tissues when he found it. It was a letter addressed to him, and judging by the messy scrawl, it was from Dan. 

Phil sat on the bed, with the black and grey checkered duvet wrapped around his shoulders, with Dan’s familiar scent wafting around him and opened the letter.

“Phil, I want to start off by saying how much I love you. Words cannot express the amount of love I feel for you. Just thinking about you makes any traces of pain or fatigue go away, and they’re all replaced by love. You are what makes my life worth living. These past few weeks we haven’t had the best quality of life because of my health, but you still managed to make me smile, and laugh every single day, even when I felt horrible. And somehow you managed to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with you in the meantime. 

Do you remember when we were sitting on the beach and we talked about our favorite memories with each other? I think I want to change mine to the night we watched the sun rise together. Watching the sunrise gave me hope that someday, after I’m gone, your life can find light again. I don’t want you to stop living your life or let grief consume you. I want you to find another source of light that makes life worth living. Throughout my entire life, up until the very last moment, you were my light. And I can never thank you enough.

We may not have had a lot of time together, but we managed to create enough amazing memories to last a lifetime. My life ended much shorter than either of us wanted, but everything about it was perfect -- all because of you. I wish with all my heart we had more time, but the reality is we don’t. I’m still incredibly grateful for the short amount of time we did have together, though and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the entire world. 

I can’t imagine the pain you must feel right now, I could never imagine what it would feel like to lose you. But I want you to remember I love you more than anything in the entire world. And when you’re ready, I want you to go out and find happiness; find your new source of light.

If I’m not haunting you, just know, I sure as hell am watching over and protecting you.

I’ll always love you,

Dan.”

Phil wiped away his tears and carefully folded Dan’s note, putting it in his pocket. He then ran into the living room, grabbed his keys, and took off, with one place in mind. By the time he arrived back to that hill he and Dan were at, the sun was close to setting. He put his car in park, and made his way up the hill, sitting down when he got to the top. Orange, pink and purple filled the sky as the sun made its way closer to the horizon.

He closed his eyes, it was almost like Dan with him again, making a sarcastic joke about something. But then he would open his eyes and he would be alone. The sun continued to sink, lower and lower until the vibrant colors were replaced with darkness. Phil drew his knees to his chest, and looked up at the stars, wondering if Dan was looking down at him right now. He likes to think he was. 

Right now, his life may be filled with darkness and vast emptiness, but that doesn’t mean that will never change. For him, the sun just set, and eventually everything will be okay, and the sun will rise once again.

Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out Dan’s letter, tracing his finger over Dan’s messy handwriting. That’s when he noticed there was something on the back. It was his bucket list. Phil glanced over it, when he noticed something was different. 

Dan had crossed off the eighth and final item: Die loved.