Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"This must be illegal somewhere." He stated.

"It can't be worse than selling and also, he agreed to it," I argued.

"Of course, he did, he's an addict with no money. You're the one who suggested the deal to him though."

"It's still consensual, but I wish we could do more."

"Namjoon, you're starting to worry me..."
"I mean, just talking and going somewhere else besides the bathroom or the bushes..."

He choked on iced water.

"I never considered you to be the romantic type. But I guess it makes sense since you'd never casually comment about any women to me..."
"Anyway," I mumbled quickly as the waitress approached our table. I helped her place the heavy noodle bowls in front of the two of us. Her tray remained full even after she departed; "I was thinking you could help me."
"I can't pass as a high school student even if I wanted to, I mean I don't look that old, but still..."

"That doesn't matter." I kept moving my chopsticks right and left multiple times as if that would've sold my point. Too excited about the slight possibility of finally having a plan in motion. I couldn't care less about the food.

"Whatever you're about to say, it can't be legal."

"Oh, shut up! I can't confess unless I am sure he feels the same. That is exactly why I..."

"Hmm..." He slurped some noodles while raising his right eyebrow at the same time.

"I just need you to touch him a bit, then tell me if he gets, you know... excited. That way I'll know if I'm the only guy that has that effect on him."

I could hear that the vegetables and noodles got stuck in his throat the second I finished the word 'touch', but he handled it quietly by sipping some water. And looking around to check if anyone was staring. At last, he cleared his throat a couple of times just loud enough to be civil before he spoke again:

"I am not going to prison just because you can't confess."

"You owe me for the time I..."
"Shh."
"But!"

"I know, but this is not the kind of favor you want to ask in return."

"It is!"
"It is not!" He wiped his face and ordered some beer.

"Look. This can be plan B. Plan A would be to check his...stuff yourself."
"I already did it...well, saw it."

"And?"
"He clearly likes it.” I claimed, smiling.

"Great. Problem solved." He got the glass with a small smirk while I was waiting for the woman to leave before I spoke again.
"Problem not solved. That doesn't particularly mean he likes me."

We've been discussing my relationship issues for a year now, although he wasn't obliged to listen to any of my problems. He had assured me that he wanted to know everything even after I had previously kept quiet for a whole year.

I knew he was probably sick of hearing about it by now since there wasn't any true progress. After all, he did repeatedly offer me solid advice that I had barely acted upon.

"Then ask him in private!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?!" He got up in anger.

I got up as well, shouting: "Because I'm scared!"
Our yelling came as no surprise to the workers since we were one of their many regulars. Always asking for the same table that was just far enough from everyone's earshot.

We tried speaking from every single table multiple times by pretending we were planning to kill the other customers while peeking for any reaction or abrupt departure. I'd even sat at different tables to see if I could hear him or if he could hear me.

However, all words changed to code the minute we raised our voices just so we could continue screaming. We even bribed everyone and apologized multiple times because we wanted to continue eating there. No one either of us knew ever ate there. The food was good. But it was dubious that no one ever threw us or any other screaming customers out.

Whatever we shouted had nothing to do with what we were talking before. We were just letting our frustration out.

"So, I guess, this guy has really got you on a tight leash from afar." His voice lowered in volume as he almost threw himself back in the chair.

"Yeah. I guess you could say that." I also sat down.

"Look, kid." He drank some soup and then pointed to mine in an attempt to remind me that I should be eating. "I get it, I really do. "

"You know I hate it when you talk down on me."

He ignored me.

"But you're looking for the easy way out of a complex situation. If you want more from the brat, then you should be asking for more. And if he rejects you, then take the hit and move on to greener pastures."
"What do you mean? How do I ask?" I wanted to know, staring down at the food without the incentive to move my hands.

"He won't start a conversation? You do it. You're in the same class, so you must know his schedule, so use that to your advantage. Not only that, but you said he's in that card club or whatever so... join it. If he goes on a bike on Sunday, buy one. Just try anything before you tell me to...do anything. After you've tried everything and I mean e-v-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Call me."

He almost spat his words before he drank the rest of his soup, and handed me a wallet that had nothing in it besides the weed that I had to deliver today. He casually lifted his bowl and brought it to the kitchen. Most likely to apologize for being loud although they never told us to pipe down.

He always said that being polite to those who cook your food is a must.

I knew he had already tipped and paid for the meal again without having to look.

Lifted my gaze off the empty side of the table just in time to see his friendly wink while he squeezed my shoulder and whispered: "Take care." And then just left.

I on the other hand, continued to sit there with my full bowl of now-cold noodles with no appetite, assuming he might be right. Hell. He was always right. I thought about doing exactly what he said, but I couldn't convince myself to do anything that might cause me to lose the already little contact I got by simply being his dealer.

After all, I knew more than his schedule. Still, I didn't stalk him on purpose. Chance had it, he always listened to music and fell asleep by the lake that was on my way home. He only ever shopped at one store that was closest to my house and had no friends. Or at least, none he ever met outside. And I rarely saw him talking to any of our classmates either. So, I supposed if he had any, they'd be childhood ones he saw at home or somewhere else.

I knew he had a brother since I saw him talking to the teachers a few times at the start of high school but after that, I never saw him again. They looked somewhat similar, but yet nothing alike at the same time.

I had to say that my parents were dead pretty early in the school year and I never got asked about it again. While the teachers continued to request for his parents to come to school since he fell asleep on his desk so often that everybody started calling him narcolepsy as a joke at first and later as a nickname. He repeated the same answer every year: "They're abroad. This is my father's number.”

He was an easy target since he was always alone. Both at home and at school. Hence, I decided to take care of him without ever drawing attention to myself or verbally letting him know.

But I thought it'd be smooth sailing ever since I became his dealer on day four, during our first year. I found it compelling that he seemed to function almost flawlessly while he was high, but then again, he avoided talking to anyone or moving much. Strangely enough, he was sober for four months straight every year right on time for the exams. I guessed that was the reason why he’d suddenly stopped smoking at the same time for two years in a row, but I wasn't one hundred percent sure if he just didn't want to study until the exams were right around the corner.

He never failed or got the best grades. I was impressed that he managed to learn everything in a short period of time while he seemed to be having obvious withdrawals. Everybody was too busy with their papers to care. Not to mention, everyone around him didn't pay him any mind to begin with, even when they weren't busy doing something else.

The first day after turning in the last exam paper, he'd reach out to me and get one month's worth of stuff and that would repeat every month until spring break would be over. During the uneventful months, we'd see each other once every two weeks. No matter what, he never left the house unless it was to buy food at the closest store.

I fell in love with him since the day I met him, so I guess I paid more attention to him than I should've, but even if I would have, the guy was as predictable as a rock. Nothing seemed to change in his schedule for the past two years and it wasn't much different when he was in kindergarten.

A true loner.

Despite the munchies, I'd assume he'd be getting, he remained slim as a stick. Fact that was slightly concerning.

He sometimes asked to write, instead of speaking to get graded which made everyone think he was getting special treatment. Every teacher allowed him these quirks without any real backlash since his parents probably had some money to throw around. The fact that he never got in any real trouble probably helped. But since he never spoke or reacted to anything, even when insulted, there was no fun in provoking him. Everyone seemed to agree to leave him be and complain about his behavior once in a while. Me included.

However, something about him was just...off. He seemed absent when he was paying attention too. And he was emotionless even if someone made an actual good joke. For someone who smoked so much, I rarely saw him laughing unless it was a one-on-one situation.

I often found myself wondering why I couldn't stop thinking about him.

That was the question that wouldn't give me peace after I’d witnessed him dropping stuff and struggling to say a full sentence. I couldn't find one satisfying answer. He was only a small, skinny, and almost mute addict.

But an addict whom I've never caught acting rude for no reason, lying, or being straight-out cruel. I witnessed him helping people without being asked, petting strays, and feeding them. He did say thank you, and I am sorry pretty fast too. Or turned the other cheek when classmates acted inappropriately.

Therefore, I had to tell myself that the only reason I'd take Fred’s advice, which I've been passionately given and actually apply it this time, was because I've been hoping that talking to him outside the gates of boredom and getting through him to the point that I'd be able to witness the personality behind the statue. And finally, that would break the spell and I'd be set free.

I only ever interacted with him one on one when he had to give me head in the school's bathroom, on the roof, or behind the school's bushes for the past two years and it hasn’t been helping me to stop thinking about him at all. I waited to get sick of it, but I never did. Most of the time, I didn't even come since it would usually take me too long, and the thought of doing anything more, even as little as a kiss, kept me going without getting hung up on actually ejaculating.

Since I was getting nothing more, nothing less than: Him suddenly stopping, saying his mouth hurts. Followed by me saying: "It's good enough."

He never asked for more and if I did push him out of the comfortable, sick, and invisible contract we’ve agreed on, every now and then, to let him know that he's also hard, his response always was:

"If you touch me, the deal's off."

The broke addict said to his dealer. I thought.

As if he had any other way to get his fix without a dime. But the thought of him doing the same things to a guy who wouldn't listen to his weak threats helped me hold back every single time.

Classes restarted only a week ago, and he was already against his favorite tree, right by the lake, by himself. Seeing this, I walked up to him and sat down on the grass as if I was possessed. I denied any thoughts that wanted to convince me otherwise and just moved on autopilot.

I didn't say a word and waited for him to notice me. When his eyes didn't open, I assumed he must be sleeping. So, an idea I thought was nothing short of genius had me reaching for his backpack, wishing to grab any meaningless object. But then the music stopped coming out of the headphones while my hands were still buried in his pencil case, so I looked up.

His eyes snapped open.

"I wanted to borrow... I thought you were asleep. Hi." I tried not to show a tiny bit of guilt since all I originally wanted was to get something of his, pretend that he’d lost it, and then pretend that I've found it. It would've been the perfect, innocent way to approach him outside.

If only he didn't catch me stealing it.

The sun stopped right above his lips so the wind that just started blowing. It made him look as if his mind was carried even farther away than it was before.

"Borrow it then." He smiled a small smile and the obvious red eyes made me smile back out of pure nervousness.

That smile does not reach his eyes at all.

"Thanks."

"What are you writing?" He took the headphones off and let them hang like a necklace while he kept staring at me blankly.

"Homework." He quickly replied without thinking as a second smile stretched the corners of his mouth.

"We haven't got any. It's only been a week..."

I ended up speechless as I stared back into his dark eyes with a blank mind.

He started laughing. And I knew his laughter wasn’t caused by me but by the weed he must’ve smoked. But it still mesmerized me as a forest fire would.

"The truth is... I just wanted to talk to you." I admitted, pulling my hand out of his backpack.

"About?" He asked, still trying to control his chuckling and succeeding.

"Well, about anything."

"All of a sudden?"

"Yeah. I have seen you around here so often that I started thinking: Doesn't Jungkook ever get cold? Doesn't anybody bother him for staying in a public place until it gets dark?"
His face told me he never took such things into consideration, but that he was mostly playfully suspicious as to why I'd know that he spent a lot of time by the lake. 

I guessed it was a safe thing to say since our homes were in the same direction and there was no way he hadn't seen me passing by constantly.

"I do get cold, but I don't mind. And not really. It's not like I am going to steal the water lilies."
"They’re protected by law or something."

"Exactly. No one cares since I am doing no harm."
"But you are."

"What?"
"You're smoking." I pointed to the slightly burnt blunt.

"You gave it to me." He argued in a tone that I didn't expect. For some reason, it made me stare at the water to avoid his eyes.

"I know. I've always wanted to ask though, why do you smoke so much? Is someone bothering you and you're using it to cope? Or are you sad? Lonely? Maybe..."
"I am sorry, but what is it that you really want?" He cut me off, and I was sure he was annoyed without having to look at his face.

His emotions change so quickly. He might be bipolar or just a paranoid stoner. I glared with no shame at the guy who was shorter and probably twenty kilograms lighter.

"I want to be your friend." I tried, but his features didn't soften one bit. He didn't even blink.

"Why?"

"Because I like you."
"You don't know anything about me." He argued again, crossing his arms.
"I do."
"Tell me one thing no one knows but you, besides the conspicuous." His eyes guided mine towards the blunt, and then simply glared, soaked in absolute disbelief.

"You like animals and mellow songs. And you've got no friends."
His arms dropped by his sides and his back hit the tree truck behind him after he rolled his eyes.

"Great, what else?"
"You like sweets," I raised one finger the second he opened his mouth to protest, "mostly chocolate." and then he closed it.

"Are you a stalker?"
"You joined the only club everyone agrees to be for the students who, truth be told, just don't want to go home. Even the teachers know you guys use that room to play cards and watch movies. Not to mention, eat junk food, but it's a wonder you don't get fat since you hate most physical activities. While that might only be because you're always stoned, so you're tired all the..."

He got up and picked up his backpack at the same time. I also got up on pure instinct and grabbed him by the jacket.

"You told me to say what I know. And frankly, I wasn't done yet."
He seemed aware of our physical differences in that instant. But he didn't let that bother him. The short boy just tried walking away in hopes that sheer force would be enough to get the jacket loose or that I'd just let go. But neither happened.

Instead, he struggled like a fish on land to escape my grip while I didn't move an inch.

"You like literature since your essays are so freaking long, but I never saw you reading, so you must actually like the movies made after the book, and... hey!"

He pushed me into the lake so fast that I didn't get to straighten my legs, but I didn't let go of the dark blue material. Therefore, we both fell in with the backpacks still on. We had disturbed both the water lilies and the nearby birds which flew in surprise.

While it was enough for me to stand up and raise above the water level, he was one minute away from drowning. I just held him up by the backpack and pretty much carried him out.

We were soaked.

"Shit!" It was the thanks I received before he frantically started searching inside his bag.

I was confused only for a second, before remembering that he probably had his weed in there.

"Don't worry. It's in a sealed plastic bag, isn't it?"
"What if I forgot to close it?!"

Water was dripping from everywhere except my hair, but all he cared about was his weed.

Ah, he’s a moron…

My mood considerably got worse but looking at his green made me remember that I had to deliver some myself in a few hours. I pulled him up by the arm quickly and then dragged him after me without looking back.

"Wait. Stop. Hey! Where are you taking me? Have you lost your mind?"

"I live closer than you do. Don't worry, I live with my grandma, and she's probably asleep already. We're soaked and it's freezing. Do you want to get sick? I don't." I stopped at the same time with my words and looked at the trembling boy behind me. He met my eyes and then looked down.

"I don't either." I continued to drag him with force alone. I didn't care about what everyone thought. I could guess it from their gazes though. Even if I had known that he probably wouldn't run home in his current state, I would still keep forcing him as if he would.

By the time we got inside, the sky was considerably darker, and I was too cold to care about any formalities. I pretty much threw some towels in his direction and ran hot water in the sink. We submerged our hands immediately. His hands looked like children's next to mine and I found that a bit disturbing.

Do I have any cooked food? Was the first thought that came to mind as he started walking around like an animal in a new room. Searching for enemies.

He seemed surprised by it and I couldn't comprehend why. The house was small, yet cozy. It had a front and a backyard that contained mostly wild vegetation, and five flowers that I was convinced were going to wither if I were to forget to water them one more time.

When he reached the table by the back door and found a bunch of pill bottles, he halted.

He looked at it, turned around, and before I could say that my grandma was sick, he spoke instead:

"I'm sorry."

I nodded. His light, dark hair was dripping water on the dark wooden floor.

"There's a dryer in the bathroom, but close the door before using it since it's loud. If you want to take a shower, there are some towels by the door. And yes, I will let you borrow some clothes."

He went in.

I rested against the kitchen sink and stared at the closed door with a smile.

Well, I guess any start is better than nothing.

Then I heard the shower running.

Friend? Why did I have to say, friend?

Chapter Text

Aware of how little time I had left before the junkie would get impatient, I got some clothes out quickly and carefully from our shared room. Relieved to hear my grandma snoring on the way out.

She was not a light sleeper, but it all depended on how close the sound was and not how loud it was. Right next to her bed? Wide awake and panicked. Smashed a plate in the other room? No reaction.

I wanted to keep our voices low, so she wouldn't hear what we were actually saying in case she did wake up early.

Changed my clothes and then got all of the notebooks and books out of both backpacks.

By the time I laid all of them out on the wooden floorboards and texted the guy that I was supposed to meet in about an hour, Jungkook was already out of the bathroom. And I was free to stare while he was assessing the state of his backpack dressed in a mere towel.

It was as though he thought of me as a selfish person since he immediately assumed I wouldn't care about his stuff.

I turned around to avoid looking at his half-naked body just so I wouldn't do or even imagine anything I could possibly regret.

"Thanks." He whispered and continued to dry his hair with a green towel.

"No problem." I kept my eyes fixed on the floor as I pointed at the clothes I left for him on the counter.

His tiny head seemed to be floating out of my clothes as every inch of his skin was covered with black material. I couldn't help but think that this view was worth catching a cold for.

Internally laughing at myself out of pity when I offered him some water.

I have somewhere to go soon. was what I wanted to say, but instead, I kept quiet while he got on his knees and blew on the soaked pages.

"You never said you lived with your grandma."

"You never asked."

I shifted the blame on him without thinking.

"I mean, I never saw her picking you up or joining any of the parents' meetings. And I am not a stalker like you. I only know that since I had to be there to represent myself..."

"Well, that's because she is..."

Paralyzed.

"Sick. Very sick." I explained, and he stopped turning the pages in a futile attempt to keep them from sticking to each other.

"I'm sorry."
"You sure do like apologizing a lot." I cleared my throat and continued, "She's old. It's normal."

"Mine’s already…you know... by the way," he started softly, before suddenly standing and coming closer. And his whole face lightened up when he asked:: "Does she know what you...sell?" 
"Why? You want to tell on me?" The thought made me grin, and yet he seemed to consider it.

"No. It's just...do you have a regular job? I mean a real, legal thing?"
"No. And keep your voice down." I was massaging my temples at this point.

Yes, of course, why would I mind talking about the most uncomfortable subjects you can come up with?
"I need to go..." I mumbled under my breath.

"I thought about getting a job, but I don't know what I should do. I thought maybe you'd know someone who's hiring." He cut me off smiling.

I did not expect that.

So, I chuckled, covering my mouth.

"I know I’m unqualified, but I'm young... so, I can learn."
"That's not the issue." I pointed at his eyes. "You should get some eye drops or something."

"I did! I just always forget to put them in." He slapped his forehead as if I had just reminded him and since he's completely oblivious, he talked just loud enough for me to question if my grandma did hear him in her dreams.

"Shh. How about we keep talking in the backyard?"
"Oh, I forgot... I'm..." I raised an eyebrow before he apologized again.

We both stopped to stare at the sun that was painting the sky yellow and red on its way to the other side of the planet.

Sitting down on the wooden stairs, with the sliding door almost completely shut behind us.

"You were upset just a while ago." As the words left my mouth, I didn't know why I reminded him or even what I wanted to say in the first place. But he responded as if it was a question.

"Well, I figured you can't be a psychopath since anyone would've been upset after being pushed into a lake, but you were...mm... nice, a bit, I guess..." He continued staring at the sky. I twisted my neck only to glare at him.

Trying to wrap my head around the fact that this human decided it was safe to follow me since I didn't curse or beat him up for pushing me into dirty water right after I gave him the impression of being an actual stalker.

"Oh man, you need to get out more." I rubbed my forehead, as to soothe the oncoming headache.

"Why?"

"I just have a feeling."

"I don't mind going out."

"I mean, go out with people."

"I don't like that," Jungkook admitted.
"I wonder why." Irony perfumed my words, but he turned serious.
"Sober people don't like addicts. Even addicts don't like most addicts." He casually said and I immediately shook my head.
"That's not true. It depends on the person."
"Yeah, it depends if they believe they can help the other 'overcome' their problem. Or maybe steal some." He condescendingly informed me of his personal, possibly reasonable opinion, looking both hurt and annoyed.
"I guess...but you're in luck. The stuff you’re doing isn't deadly. It's only making you socially distance yourself, emotionally unstable and your lungs can recover quickly because you're not fifty, so hopefully, you won't..." I rambled in a trance, but the moment our eyes met, I wasn't sure what he was thinking, so I immediately stopped enumerating the side effects and went on by saying: "Don't worry, I won't try to fix you."
"Promise?" He asked jokingly, but my reply was honest.
"Promise."

"Why?"

"Well, all humans are addicted to something. Some are just more obvious than others, and some are more legal than others. Besides, you won't change unless you hit your own personal rock bottom anyway."

"What do you mean? My personal..."
"I mean, I've seen enough to know that lack of money can cause some people to quit. But some quit just because they get too lonely, are void of purpose, or their health plummets. But those are broad terms for more personal values. I've heard some stories when the, 'You're going to die' red flag, coming from the mouth of a doctor, didn't do anything. But the cheating wife saying, 'I can't wait for you to die' gave them some reason to get clean out of spite. What I am trying to say is that recovery is not as black and white as people would like it to be, but it is possible to want it before you lose your life entirely. I think."

His sudden attentive stare made me self-conscious for some reason.

"What else?"
"What do you mean?"

"What other stories did you hear?"

"It doesn't matter." He crossed his arms, so I took it as a sign to explain, "It's different for everyone. But it's something someone subconsciously values. Something that’s linked with their inner-self, I guess, or core...something I don't know how to name."
"...like?"

I checked my phone only to see that I’d already received five messages.

"Like honesty, loyalty, or self-love."

"I don't think so." He decisively argued.

"Really? You never looked in the mirror and thought, 'Well, don't I look pitiful today?' Emotions that drive us, aren't all positive after all."

"I think we've talked enough; I should get going." He got up as if nothing I could say would change his mind.

"Sorry," I quickly uttered, but he didn't sit back down. I went on: "I won't try to change you, but I will talk to you more often. If that's fine with you too?"
His big eyes got even bigger.

"Sure. But why?"
"Because I like you."
"Why?"

I sighed.

"Why do you like chocolate?"
"It's sweet..."

"There's your answer." I threw my hands in the air since I thought he'd get it, but his face showed the complete opposite.

"I'm sweet?" He wandered, obviously doubtful.
"No. You're really not. You're not even close..." I laughed since I realized that his innocent face really didn't match the inside, but the way he spoke or simply carried himself implied a lightness that made me want to keep him close for no tangible reason.

His crossed arms were almost entirely hidden by my big black blouse. And it made me want to hug him until he couldn't breathe.

Pushing that thought aside, I explained myself further, "But I do like your unusual flavor. I just can't describe it yet."

"You're weird." That was his conclusion before he slid the door open and left me alone on the stairs.

I smiled like an idiot before going after him. And before he left, I agreed to bring his books and notebooks tomorrow.

Wishing I had my headphones, I started running the moment he was far enough. Although a junkie can't exactly fire his dealer since this is as codependent as a relationship gets.

Knew he wouldn't care anyway, as long as he got his fix, but my boss and friend, Fred, would in fact mind.

I visited him afterward. I gave him the money, received my share, and got Jungkook's drug of choice for tomorrow. During this exchange, he somehow noticed how unusually chipper I looked, so he didn't let me leave without offering me some tea.

"I said, sit down."
"Fred, you know my grandma will wake up and worry if I'm not home. Also, I don't know if we have any food left. So, I might have to cook dinner and that in itself takes…."
"I'll give you some takeout."
"That's not healthy."
"The faster you'll talk, the faster you'll leave."
I frowned.
"Oh, come on kid, don't make me guess." He started to regardless, "Did a miracle treatment get discovered? Or..." He opened and closed his fists in frustration.
"Yeah, I've finally talked to him about something else."

"About?"
"A lot of things and I think it lasted more than twenty minutes." I quietly added, "...in total at least."
He clapped very slowly with an 'I told you' expression plastered all over his face.

"And?"

"And he pushed me into a lake."
"He did what?"
"I took him to my house, he took a shower, we talked on the porch about addiction since his hair was wet and he kind of agreed to let me talk to him more often." I finished narrating my day by smiling victoriously.

With a smirk on his face, the old man shook his head as he clasped his hands together, before saying: "Kid, you're screwed."

I ran all the way back and made the last stop of the day which was the closest store to my house which was also the one he frequented, but he was nowhere to be seen. I just bought some fresh vegetables and meat that I planned to cook later in the oven.

The voice of my grandma woke me up from the meditative state I fell into shortly after I finished dinner and started reading.

"Namjoon!"
I hurried to our shared room.

"Yes?"

"I had a dream with your father again. That must be a good sign." I smiled a sad smile, lifting her so that the wall would hold her up.

"I hope it is..."

"You got first place in that mathematical Olympiad last time I dreamt of him."
"I was twelve. I'd still go if they wanted me though."

Provided I have to solve math questions for twelve year olds.

"You should study more." Her words cut through my serenity as if she had just insulted me. During the times I got some bad grades, she treated me the same as if I was a straight-A student. However, she confessed her final wish on her last four birthdays: “Leave me here to die the day I'm keeping you from achieving something you want.”

"I will study more," I promised.

She tilted her head in disbelief.

"I will!" I insisted and walked away, embarrassed to admit that I was in the top five just by paying minimum attention in classes and that I could absolutely do better if I did more work at home. And she knew it. She knew it so well, which is why she pushed me to rely on hard work rather than visual and auditory recollection. Still, this was a small school in a small town, so I couldn't feel as proud no matter how many times she said that being anything but average is good enough.

"Dinner will be ready in a bit."
"Leave the TV on."

Throughout her favorite sitcom, I spoon-fed her the food and pills and spent half the night studying by her side. Falling asleep while doing homework was one of the weirdest regrets I'd experienced in the past couple of years. Because I always woke up and thought the same exact thing: I forgot to lay you down again.

When I got out into the hallway, which was connected to the kitchen and living room since it was all just one big, open room. I stepped on one of the now-dried books with tired eyes.

The fact of the matter was that even if I wouldn't dare to approach him yesterday, we would've spoken anyway since he'd usually get his refill today. And then he'd have to pay for his stuff with the act I suggested as a joke two years ago.

No matter what, I couldn't bring myself to like that there was a string attached to it, and yet I was scared of what would happen if the string were to be abruptly cut.

But I don't want him to friend-zone me either.

Then again, I've acknowledged the hesitation anyone would have when asked to become close friends with their dealer, especially if they had to sexually pleasure said dealer many times before. Still, I doubted he'd accept getting his stuff just by breathing in the same room with me.

I opened the back door after I squeezed toothpaste on my toothbrush. Walked around the garden with the hose on the highest setting to give the three potted flowers, bushes, and trees some sustenance. The beauty of the rising sun couldn't capture my attention, nor allow my consciousness from drowning in its thoughts.

The chirping birds and the running water were the only sounds that were disturbing the dense silence.

I should ask him what he wants to do instead. But what if he wants to stop, and I don't want to? Wouldn't that imply I am just a dirt bag who wants to be friends with an addict who has an obligation to suck me off to get his drug in the first place?

I used the hose to cleanse my mouth and spat on the same spot I always did.

By asking him to be my friend, didn't I just friend-zone myself by default?

Without making an actual single sound, I screamed, exasperated, in my head.

I'll just rape him. I told myself half-jokingly, half-considering it.

I got stuck on the image of him turning away in either terror or disappointment, and then I would just shove him to the floor without caring about his emotions.

Nah.

"Shit," I mumbled as I noticed the almost drowned potted flower.

I didn't expect him to say “Hi.” but he didn't even look at me for the entire five hours we spent in the same classroom. The only time our eyes met was when he woke up from his nap and realized I was shamelessly staring.

One more hour. I reassured myself, peeking at the clock.

Classmates kept their distance from me too, but some did talk to me occasionally.

They seemed to be afraid of me since I was psychically bigger and considered intelligent by academic standards. But the fact that I was always reading in class was mostly due to boredom and not an intentional act meant to alienate myself. Something that had happened without me noticing.

I was someone they could understand, given my dire conditions. And I was someone the girls secretly liked to consider dating in their imagination, while Jungkook was a complete, utter mystery. They could label me in countless ways, while his nickname was an assumption. I've heard someone joking that he probably wouldn't have said his real name if he wasn't legally obliged to give it to the school.

I didn't care about the girls who would sometimes asked me questions just so they'd make sure I either noticed them. Or the boys who've complimented me on my grades on numerous occasions just so I'd hopefully lend them my homework or join their sports club; which apparently, would give their team an advantage because of my height alone.

Somehow, all I cared about was the guy who was sitting in the middle of the class with his head facing the door, buried in his arms on the desk that always had the same notebook on the left. The boy who pretended to be asleep. I could tell when he truly did pass out cause that's when his hands went completely limp. And when he was really tired, saliva would escape his mouth and create a coin-sized wet spot on the desk.

He didn't sleep as much as people claimed that he did. Which should've been all the time.

Yesterday, he cared enough to bring everything with him, and I was truly taken aback. Those books rarely left the backpack, however.

He's actively trying to avoid everybody.

And this was the type of person that somehow made me want to get too close to my liking. Like a moth getting drawn to light, even at the risk of burning alive.

Without me pulling, there would only be pushing and that bothered me.

"All the exercises, starting from page thirty-two to thirty-four are due next week. And I was not joking when I said I'll assign more homework to those who fail to finish everything on time."

After the teacher left, I tried to hide the fact that I was in a hurry. We couldn't let our classmates see us going in the same direction or get caught in plain sight once the place was deserted.

Teachers had to check the classrooms and hallways for students that had no business being there. It became a habit to take note of every single class I was passing by my way to the furthest bathroom, while also making sure they were empty.

Not concerned with the teachers since some remembered to check the bathrooms, but even fewer remembered to check the stalls. Other students were more likely to let their curiosity get the best of them. Luckily, most would meet next to the building to avoid unnecessary scolding.

Ten minutes later, when most of the school became nothing but a silent, abandoned building because all classes, but not all clubs, ended around the same time.

Jungkook came to the same bathroom with a book in hand.

"You forgot this." It was all he said before he handed it to me while I handed him the stuff he left to dry at my house. He then proceeded to open the door of the stall and hold it open while staring straight into my eyes with a bored expression on his pale face.

"Wait." I heard myself saying. He crossed his arms as the door closed by itself. "This is not what friends do, right?" I asked, breaking a sweat.

"I don't care."

"But we..."

"I won't receive charity."

"It's not. If we become friends, then..."
"I don't agree. If you don't receive anything in return, then the moment you'll get upset with me for anything, you will use it to blackmail me."
Taken aback by the way he thought about our exchange, which made it sound even dirtier than it already was.

"Then how about you...help me join your club? That way we're even."

"That would work only if the club was hard to join. You only need to sign one piece of paper, and you're in. It would be a favor only if all the members would hate you upon arrival, which I doubt will happen. Even so, that'd work only for today. The same favor, won't work next time so...come on."

He pushed the door ajar for the second time and yet, his miserable demeanor; clear eyes, and indifferent tone made me clench my fists.

I didn't know if the reason he was cranky today was that he ran out of weed too soon. Or if he spoke harshly because he wanted to get it over with. No matter the reason, the indifference he was handling it with made me want to hurt him.

His big round eyes bore into my unblinking eyes. Thin arms stuck out of white sleeves as he pushed, only to let go of the door since I wasn't moving.

It all made me want to do it even more.

"Look," he sighed as if he was exasperated with me, "...we agreed to do this two years ago, and it's not like I can help you with your homework or..."

He friend-zoned me already. I acknowledged with bitterness.

And grabbed him by the collar. Dragged him into the stall and then locked it. Took his backpack and threw it on the toilet seat.

He backed away from me as much as he could, but there were only two steps left behind until his back hit the plastic wall. His shocked expression made my stomach feel warm.

I took his dark blue jacket off and placed it on top of the backpack. Grabbed his hair hard and smirked unconsciously when he moaned from the sudden pain as I unzipped my fly with the other hand and pushed him down with the right one.

His little signs of protest made me harder. His fast-hot breath made it even better. I shoved it in his mouth without caring if he choked for the first time. Something that would happen no matter what I’d do anyway.

He almost fell flat on the floor, but he couldn't since I kept his head still. I wasn't using much force, but it was enough to shake him to the core.

He kept trying to swallow the excess saliva and breathe at a regular pace, but after he failed more than once, he started pushing against my thrusts. But I refused to give him any room or break.

Continued to enjoy myself for several minutes until I heard him trying to speak, but I couldn't understand one word he was saying, so I pulled him up. I could swear that I've felt some hairs getting ripped off his scalp in the process.

"What?" I inquired, genuinely curious.

I knew I was way more aggressive than usual, as I truly tried not to show this side of myself for two years in a row. Although I had always wanted to ruin that happy-go-lucky composure of his, for a reason I couldn't comprehend or divulge to myself. Nor admit the way I was feeling right now was ten times better than I had previously expected which was one minute before my hand made contact with his collar. Pleased that I wasn't breaking the deal either since this was, still, just fellatio. Hence, he couldn't possibly find anything to complain about.

"Did I do or say something wrong?" His voice trembled a bit as tears stood gathered at the corners of his eyes. Clear snot flowing from the nose and red, swollen parted lips tempted me with their closeness as they trembled just slightly.

"Yes. Can you tell me exactly what you think you've done wrong?"

His eyes lost focus as he tried to recall our previous conversation, but when he couldn't find his fault, he simply found my eyes again with confusion written all over him.

"Think harder."

Cornered him further and then pushed him down again. The choking sounds he was making with every thrust were like a twisted song that tickled my ears, but I still paid attention to the door of the bathroom or to any other sounds outside it.

"S-ph-t..." I kept hitting the back of his throat with no effort and if he didn't even get half of my length in his mouth once in two years, I knew this must've been more painful than before. His teeth grazed against the sides of my penis like always because his mouth was anatomically too small for me. His tongue was somewhere hidden in the back of his throat.

I didn’t mind the slight pain, but I could tell that his nails were digging into my legs in a desperate attempt to hold me back.

"Pl-a-l-p-ea-sh!" Were all the letters I could understand as he lightly hit my leg and the other hand squeezed the one that was still holding his hair.

After a while, I stepped back and pulled him up by the roots again.

A copious amount of saliva dripping down his chin and down his neck. He was definitely tearing up as he coughed, trying to wipe his nose simultaneously. I watched him catching his breath before I grabbed his neck and lightly squeezed before I pushed him flat against the light wooden door.

"Did you figure it out?"
His eyes were wide open and a bit, just a bit fearful.

"I..." He breathed in big gulps of air and I kept feeling his neck contracting and struggling to swallow the excess saliva against the palm of my hand. "Didn't accept your favor...?" he tried, I smirked.

"No." I barely lifted my free hand toward his hair before he spoke again: "Wait! Wa-it, I... I, was I disrespectful?"

"A bit, but that's not it."

"Wait! Please, please don't! It hurts so much."

I could tell he was trying really hard not to burst out into tears when his voice broke as one tear fell and this time it was not because fluids couldn't function properly.

The way his face contorted due to pain and grievance left me breathless. Both hands kept trying to hold my wrist still.

His messed up long, slightly curly hair and saliva-coated collar made me want to grin like a crazy person.

"I'm sorry! I don't know because I didn't mean to. I'm really, really..." He explained, trying to suppress his emotions. Not wanting to show me how he was ready to bawl his eyes out, it seemed.

And I wasn't helping him calm down at all. My left hand didn't even lighten the pressure on his neck.

He wasn't able to move one centimeter, which would probably make him feel a bit better. I pondered on whether I should let him know that I wouldn't hurt him more, but I couldn't decide if I could even stop yet.

I was mesmerized.

His irregular breathing kept on hitting my lips over and over again, And with every choked, girly sound he let out, I got more turned on.

Ah, why do I find him so fascinating? Inside and out? Fuck...I really hate you.

We both attended the same kindergarten because we were both living in the same small town, but we parted ways when we entered public school, even after we became almost friends for a brief moment.

After my parents had died and he kept running from home for unknown reasons to me, we lost all contact. If we’ve coincidentally met on the street, then we have never greeted each other.

Our too-tight, handmade prison was only two feet wide and the once transparent walls had turned black after those events.

When I saw him on the first day of high school, my heart started beating faster, and I couldn't tell why until I offered this deal to him as a joke since he had no money. Nor could I tell why he had accepted it in the first place even if he had no other options. I had finally realized that I'd been and was in love with a male for the first time.

And now, two years later, I've finally kissed him.

Against his will.

Chapter Text

His lips were cold.

My eyes shut on their own while kissing him.

Did not think about it, nor know what to do after my lips touched his.

I wished time would freeze so I could enjoy this moment.

'I should take advantage of it and deepen the kiss,' a whispered thought, at the back of my mind, told me. My frontal, logical side was screaming like a child in the middle of the night.

The fact that one or two minutes had probably passed without any further movement, yet he did not push me away, made me curious.

'What is he thinking now?'

But still, there I was, unable to do more or come up with an excuse that would be one hundred percent bulletproof.

So, I opened my eyes and found that his eyes were already open.

Stepped back and zipped up my pants.

More tears rained down his cheeks. The liquid that had gathered in his eye sockets, like rainwater gathered in the gutters of a roof, escaped freely from the now unblinking eyes. He was not coughing or heavily breathing. Meaning that I succeeded. I froze him.

"I wanted to stop you from crying." That was what I heard myself saying, but even I was able to hear the insecurity that was present in my voice.

'I screwed up.' This sentence echoed itself over and over again and bounced off the walls from inside my brain.

I did not feel bad though I’d just forced him to do something he was not comfortable with. After physically hurting him and probably ruining all chances of us being friends.

'Who kisses someone they are punishing?’

Did I, by kissing him after saying that I was angry, mean that I was enjoying it?

'Wasn't I enjoying it? Maybe I’m the one who's bipolar.'

"You were angry..." His hoarse voice, just above a whisper, pointed out the obvious.

'I thought I was too.'

"Yes. Well, now I’m not anymore." I got the small, sealed plastic bag from the back pocket of my jeans and held it awkwardly between us as if it were a peace offering. Except it was not.

It was a way out.

I took a step forward, grabbed his limp arm, and lifted it. Placing the small bag in his palm, I took the other and covered it. He did not seem to be careful or aware of what I was doing. I thought he was going to let it fall onto the ground.

Released his hands. But he just kept them there in the exact same position.

I simply caught hold of his shoulders to lift him and then dropped him in a different place, so I could leave.

"See you later."

Exited the stall, picked up my backpack that I had previously hidden in a dark corner, and left the bathroom without another word.

I never got his consent to treat him that way. Nor have I ever revealed it as a possibility. Asummed he was shocked. But I liked it so much that I managed to surprise myself to the point of astonishment.

We never spoke on the phone outside of our little monthly, sometimes weekly appointments. Calling for something so personal made me feel like I was crossing a boundary that had been silently set over time.

Days have gone by without as much as a glance his way. I avoided the lake area just because something within me said that I should apologize. But in the same vein, I couldn't convince myself that I hated what had happened in its entirety.

Nevertheless, I soon found myself in the staffroom carrying papers for our math teacher, when I got, unconsciously drawn to a board with flyers for school clubs.

Ten minutes later, I signed one piece of paper, and officially, I was a member of the same club as him.

After the teacher said that today was a club day, I suddenly felt the need to hit my head against my own desk when I went back to it.

'Why did I do that? I didn't even ask Fred if I could take Thursdays off...' I complained and complained in my mind while my legs walked on their own.

After I knocked on the door and a tiny girl with a fringe, let me in with a timid hello, I considered the need for psychological help.

"Your name is Kim Namjoon, right?" Said a brown-haired guy with a faint beard whom I'd never seen before in my life.

"I was told that you've joined this morning. My name is Haneul, but you can call me Sony."

'That's not even close to the original name. How did anyone come up with that nickname based on your real name?!' That is what I wanted to say.

"Nice to meet you." is what I said out loud.

"That's Yeong-Cheol, she's Bora and Kwan."

Two guys and two girls.

'And Jungkook?' I wanted to ask, but instead, dropped my backpack next to theirs.

Took the empty spot next to the same girl that opened the door, Kwan, at the big square low table they were all sitting at.

"Do you play cards?"

"I don't think I remember the last time I did."

The way the almost-blondish girl, Bora, looked at me as if flowers had just grown out of my nose made me wish I could take the last hours of my life back.

"Do you want to learn again?" Yeong-Cheol's deep voice surprised me.

"Why not?" That was the most enthusiastic answer I could muster.

After a while, I learned all the rules, lost a few times but won as well.

Unexpectedly, none of them were bothered. They started making jokes about how I should teach them my tricks now while they kept talking among themselves; something that I found to be strangely pleasing. I randomly joined the conversation when I felt like it. They were easy-going and kind. But I couldn't stop thinking about Jungkook, which made me zone out occasionally.

"Oh, I forgot. I bought some 'unique' snacks. They're supposed to be extra spicy." Bora ran to her orange backpack before she finished her sentence.

"Someone should ask Jungkook what he wants."

"I'll go this time." Yeong-Cheol sighed the words out and slapped his cards on the table. I was lightly pushing down his shoulder before he was able to get up.

"I'll ask him. Where is he?" This was the second time they all stopped only to glare at me in silence.

"Do you know him?"

"We're in the same class."

"So, that's why...Well, he's usually on the rooftop. He enjoys listening to his music alone." Kwan informed me.

Bora placed a fizzy drink in front of me with an animated bear on it before saying, "That's odd, he’s never mentioned you." She immediately covered her mouth and used a high-pitched tone to let out, "Oh, my..."

Sony has scowled at the three a few times since I arrived. Trying to keep them within some sort of line. Why he'd do that was a mystery to me. He was clearly concerned that they would make a bad first impression by coming on too strong. Being the only guy who didn't know most of the members would alienate me from the get-go, but they were all so nice by nature, that his response to her slip of the tongue made me outright smile.

"She sometimes talks without thinking. I am sure he's very fond of you," Sony tried to sweeten the bitter truth.

However, I did not feel like lying so I just happily told them:

"He's not."

They watched me leave in utter stillness.

I didn't need to run, but for some reason, I felt like doing it. The faster I got there, the more time I had to talk to him before they all got suspicious.

The second I opened the door to the rooftop, I got blinded by the sun. It wasn't too hot, but it sure was bright.

'Where?'

I was certain that he wouldn't be out in the open if he was smoking, so I searched every corner until I found him sitting on the floor in the darkest one, with his back against the wall.

He hadn't noticed me coming since his eyes were closed and a song was blasting through the earphones.

I sat right next to him, yet he didn't sense me even when I was a few centimeters away. For this reason, I removed one earpiece. He immediately looked for who did it, and his eyes opened wider the second he looked up. I could see his calm expression twisting in confusion.

"Hi." Was the best my brain could spit out at that moment.

He didn't answer, but he removed the other earpiece and turned the music off, which was enough for me.

"I joined your club."

"Hmm..." A joyless smirk erupted.

"I know you must be thinking that I’m a real stalker at this point, but teachers suggested I join one since it'll help me land a good college."

The quietness kept stretching as the wind kept softly blowing.

"And also, I wanted to let you know that I’ve found someone who's hiring. They might give you a shot." I lied.

He burst out laughing.

I smiled, but mostly because I was nervous. My mind kept comparing the image from the last time we met; a close-up of his messy hair, wet face, and hurt eyes, to the one I was talking to now.

"What?" I asked, unable to understand his reaction.

"You can do whatever you want." Usually, I would've taken that line as a sign of indifference, but his ear-to-ear grin made me unable to do that.

"You're high." It suddenly hit me that this person was far gone. He looked as if he had just taken morphine. I'd never seen someone else other than my mother take that perfect dose that got them into their most peaceful, nonresistant space, but this must've been pretty close to that.

He confirmed it, unashamed: "Very."

"Great." I let myself flop next to him, feeling defeated.

"I guess you're still worried about what you have done."

I was thankful because he continued to stare ahead, therefore, he was unable to see how I tensed up in an instant.

"Yes. I..."

"It's fine."

'What?!'

"Just don't mention it." He went on.

"Shouldn't you be angry?"

"I can't be angry right now."

"How come?"

"You just had a bad day and took it out on me. Didn't you?"

I was making a funny face, yet I couldn't stop it.

"Well..." I clicked my tongue and asked again, "why can't you be angry?"

He sighed as if this question caused him immense grief.

"You could've joined any other club. But you picked this one since you knew I was in it. You wanted to apologize. I am sparing you. Take it."

"I will, but you look so...strange."

"Strange how?" His wide smile and unfocused eyes made my lips dry.

"Like you're floating. I don't know...I thought I knew what you're like when you're high. Also, I am pretty sure you were using and you were still able to get mad some time ago."

"It depends on what stage I was going through." He casually informed me as if it was general knowledge.

"What stage you’re going through?"

"I always go through three stages. I don't know if this applies to everyone, but..."

He stopped as if a thought caught his entire attention.

"I'm listening."

He looked at me as if he had forgotten I was there.

"Well, the heaven phase is the one I’m in, usually at the beginning of the year when junk food tastes great, I can sleep for twelve hours straight, and everything is hilarious." His eyes appeared to light up once more as he recalled all the great moments he'd had. I could almost see the imaginary sweets floating around him like a circle of colorful yet unhealthy treats.

"Oh, that's what you're talking about..."

"And then I start losing my appetite and no matter how many stand-up shows I watch, I can barely squeeze one laugh out..." His expression turned sour and his voice seemed to get suffocated by an invisible hand. "I call it the purgatory, but it's mostly denial. I know I should have a break when I reach that point, but I just can't face it. Every time it’s the same thing. So, I keep going until everything makes me nauseous, I get depressed and I can't sleep for more than two hours no matter how much I walk..."

After his explanation, I felt more bewildered than I did at the beginning of it.

"So now, you are...?"

"I’m in heaven." He completed as a smirk crept onto his lips. Still, his eyes remained lifeless.

"Got it. But is it really worth it if you feel fine for like three months before you crash?"

"It is, considering I didn't have three months before. I didn't even have three hours..."

I didn't know what to say. I could understand that one could lead a life without happiness, but when you get used to such highs, you cease to feel the smaller, organic moments that should bring any human a slither of joy. It might not feel like being on top of Mount Everest, but after it ends, at least you won't be falling from atop a mountain.

That knowledge always stopped me from abusing drugs.

Then again, I got it. If he has found his match, which could be the perfect cocktail of serotonin, that some only dream of achieving with alcohol, caffeine, or sugar... How could one resist it if their life has little to no such moments, without it?

But then why did I feel so lonely knowing that his entire well-being depended on one thing and nothing else?

'What happens when it runs out? Or when you can't get it? Do you have anything else that keeps you…alive?'

"What can I do?" I thought I said that in my mind, but I realized I said it out loud because he turned to look at me with a soft and yet the most 'drunk-like' expression I think his features were capable of.

"Bring me some snacks. Some chocolate would be good."

"Fine...I almost forgot Bora got some spicy ones or something, they wanted me to let you know."

"I'd rather have something sweet… and some soda, ask for something normal though. If it has any animal on it, trust me when I say, don't touch it." He stopped paying me any attention the moment I stopped talking as he resumed spacing out.

"I’ll be right back."

For some reason, I couldn't pinpoint why I found myself wanting to leave. It felt like the air around him was intoxicating the more I stayed next to him.

'So, I guess the most accurate version of him would show its ugly head during the hell phase.' That is what I was assuming since it was normal to experience all the negative consequences of overuse. Yet, there must’ve been some in-between period, and I was curious to see it.

That was the only reason why I returned to the club room with a poker face and asked for his share of junk food. I think they expected to get more out of me, but I got up to leave as soon as I arrived.

"Let him know that we're watching a movie in ten to twenty minutes!"

"I will!"

"Wait, I'm going too." Kwan suddenly told me.

"I can carry them on my own."

"I meant the same way. I am going home early."

"Aww, why do you keep going home so early lately? Huh?" Bora moaned the words which I was guessing, were supposed to be in a cutesy way, but I found it mildly disgusting.

"I told you, my mom is still upset. Did you forget I got a bad grade in English? It was just to see what we remember from last year and it doesn’t matter, but..."

"So, you didn't get a perfect score, big whoop." That was her automatic response.

"It is, for her...I hope you guys like the movie I've picked." Her face and lips stretched in a sad grimace as if the thought of going home deteriorated her emotional state by ninety percent.

Bora kept begging her to stay a little bit more while the guys seemed to know it was useless so they just bid her farewell.

I was drowning in the awkwardness as she walked a little bit too close to me without breaking the ice. So, I did it instead.

"You know, I can help you study next week. If you want, of course."

She clasped her cheeks in a very childish way before she replied, "Wait, really? You'd do that? I'd really appreciate it."

'She's so easy to read...'

"But I don't want to impose or..." She started, looking away.

"Don't worry, I'd rather study instead of..."

'Waste time playing cards.' That was what I wanted to say.

"Doing something else. I find it relaxing too." That is what I said.

"I'll remain grateful forever. No, I’ll treat you and..."

She seemed genuinely happy as she seemed to ponder how to repay me.

"Don't worry about it."

"I can tell Mom that someone’s helping me study, so she'll let me stay later." She said, suddenly standing still since we had to part ways at this point.

"Not by much. I can't go home too late either." I told her.

"You got controlling parents too?"

"Kind of..."

"Well, see you next time. And thanks."

She left me in a good mood as I was somehow relieved that I wouldn't be the only weirdo studying in a corner, while everyone else played cards and board games.

'I guess that's the perk of not having a family...you can just take it slow and not worry as much...'

The sun was a little bit more bearable or maybe it was just my imagination.

I found him in the exact same position I had left him in.

Thought that by throwing the chocolate at him, I'd get a reaction, but he only opened his eyes slowly.

"She told me you also drink lemon soda with it?" I asked, checking the labels.

"That'll do." He breathed out, reaching out his hand.

"That's an odd combination."

"Opposites attract."

'Does he ever worry about his future? At all?'

I sat in the same spot as before and watched him eat half a chocolate in less than three minutes.

'I would ask how he doesn't get fat, but considering he just told me he only eats a lot for a few months, or even less at some point, and then eats only to survive...Huh. I guess that solves that mystery and he's really not into pills.'

"What's your dream job?" I blurted out.

Jungkook's face told me he did not expect that question.

"I don't know..."

"Pfft."

"I always thought I'd try painting or writing. Something artistic that won't require me having to meet a lot of people daily."

"That's a weird specific reason you got there."

He smiled as if I had complimented him.

"Maybe, but that's important to me. What about you?"

"Something that pays well."

My answer made him chuckle.

"Aren't you a dreamer?" He mocked.

He offered me some of his sweets, but I had no appetite. Watching him eat so much, so fast while he made pleasing sounds somehow made me feel as if I was already full.

"They're about to watch a movie in a bit."

"Which one?"

"I don't know. Kwan picked it. She had to leave early though."

I was definitely staring like a creep. However, no one could see me on the roof unless they were spying from the surrounding trees with binoculars. He was too busy drinking his soda and licking his fingers to notice either.

'Stop doing that...'

The chocolate melted from the heat, and he didn't seem to let a drop get wasted on his skin.

Switched my attention to a bird that had just landed on a nearby branch.

We left the minute he finished. He started complaining about eating too fast immediately.

'Stomachs can hurt even in paradise too, huh...'

We arrived just in time for the movie, and even though I swore I wouldn't let the others know I had the most twisted feelings for my classmate, my eyes automatically stared the minute I heard him laughing.

'Are they even aware? His eyes look perfectly normal, but his actions and words are all at least two seconds off.'

What surprised me was when they told me that I couldn't eat during the movie, since I had to give the movie my undivided attention. They did discuss every little thing so I guessed that wouldn't be possible if we all had our mouths full.

"This guy is really handsome." Bora pointed to a very muscular man who had just killed two others without batting an eye.

"I don't know. He definitely looks like he has had some plastic surgery." Sony seemed to have said that just to make her pout.

"Who cares? He can act, and he didn't get butchered. Nothing else matters." She argued.

"His role consists of acting like he's not bothered by anything. He has to keep a straight face, and he's set." Sony continued to push her buttons even if I could tell he did not care whatsoever if the guy grew wings and flew as his special acting skill.

"Nah-uh! Can't you tell that his stare got layers upon layers of emotions?"

"Are we even watching the same movie?"

He straight out started laughing, pointing at the guy who was blankly staring at another man.

I was paying attention to their conversation, but I lost track of who was winning the moment my phone started vibrating. I had to let Fred know I was taking one day off dealing every Thursday, starting today, due to club activities. He told me it's fine if it's just one day a week, however, I could tell he wasn't very pleased with the short texts. And then I heard Jungkook talking, Hence, I ceased texting entirely.

"Guys, where is Kwan?"

I think something in my neck popped because I turned around so fast to check if he was being serious.

'Didn't I tell him she's gone? Even so, did he notice she's gone after one hour has passed?'

"She went home early. Her mom is mad about her grades again." Yeong-Cheol informed him as if nothing was wrong, but there had been five seconds of mutual silence between all of us that he probably couldn't perceive in his state.

"If a girl had fake boobs, you wouldn't even bring it up, would you? If they look natural, who cares? Right?"

I admitted that Bora would not back down as she continued to attack, which made it easy to mess with her, but all the fun I found in their friendly bickering died the moment his voice made contact with their ears.

"Did we have any tests? It’s been only a week.”

'They either know or they labeled him as mentally challenged. Still, didn't any of them catch him smoking on the roof if they always bring him snacks? Or when they had to let him know when they're doing what?'

I watched if their eyes lingered on him longer than they should, but I couldn't spot anything out of the ordinary. Could vividly recall that Bora complained about Kwan having left even after the movie started and discussing her over-the-top strict mother. And if Jungkook had somehow missed it twice, he still only bothered to ask about the said person after quite a while.

We all left the club room while scrutinizing the exaggerated acting, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that Kwan was choosing bad movies on purpose. She liked to make fun of them with the others, and I could understand that as being a thing.

After a while, I was walking with Jungkook by the lake, on our way home. Suddenly, he stopped responding in the middle of the conversation.

'It's like he just shuts down...'

"Jungkook?"

"Yeah."

"How about going grocery shopping with me?" I expected him to ask why, but he just followed suit.

I hated having to leave him alone in this state, even though I figured he'd be fine since he’d been alone for years, and he hadn't gotten in any trouble as far as I was aware.

But I started wondering if he would just accept anything while he was in the 'heaven' mindset while he followed me through the store like a lost puppy. But the minute he stopped in front of me with a bar of big chocolate, I got it.

'I was the one being played, huh...'

"Buy it for me, please?" The normality of this had me exhaling air I wasn't consciously holding back, and yet, his submissive demeanor made me slightly uncomfortable.

"Sure."

His 'I'm not taking charity' claim echoed through my mind like bubbles breaking one after another.

I waited until we got out of the store and a few steps away on purpose only, to whisper in his ear: "You owe me now."

He stopped walking at that very moment, and I couldn't help smirking as his arms fell by his sides with the chocolate still clutched tightly in the right one.

"But...I...but..." He mumbled.

I wanted to say I was joking in a bit.

This situation reminded me of Bora and Sony's petty arguments, so I thought I could enjoy seeing his pouting expression.

I couldn't though.

The chocolate fell from his hand as he lowered himself to the ground and hugged his knees.

"What's wrong?"

He hid his face from my view, and I couldn't tell if he was the one playing a prank on me or not.

I felt that something was definitely wrong when I noticed his loud and irregular breathing.

"I was joking. You don't owe me a thing. Now, come on, get up." I tried, but he didn't, so I left the plastic bags on the pavement and squatted down to his level.

Kept pulling at his fingers to get him to release his head, but he resisted somehow. His breathing sounded more and more heightened as if he was struggling to breathe. Then I could absolutely hear him making a sound that was similar to a cry.

"You're freaking me out. Tell me what's wrong." I wanted to sound calm and helpful, but I probably looked like I was abusing a little boy.

When I finally forced his arms away from his body, I could see he wasn't crying, but his eyes were panicked.

As if there was a monster right behind me.

"I do-do-n't kno-now why..." He squeezed those words out as we stared at each other with now, similar panic.

"Tell me what to do. I don't know what..."

‘He’s pale.’

"I d-on't...I need...I w-a-nt home." I thought about getting him to a hospital, but it was faster and safer getting him home if his brother knew what to do.

'We can call an ambulance from his house...' I thought.

"Hold on." That was all I said before I picked him up and threw him over my shoulder, I got the bags and walked as fast as I could.

It was hours later that I realized I had forgotten his fallen chocolate on the pavement.

Hastily walked toward the area I supposed he'd be living close to, and I let him tell me the directions between short breaths of air and strange sounds.

'Of course, he had to live in the flat of a huge building.' I heard a voice inside my head that was still calm despite my own chest pains and his ragged breathing. At the same time, a tad worried about the time we wasted before we reached it.

When he suddenly tried to get off by himself, I thought that this might be it. And it was.

He punched a bunch of numbers in the intercom and the voice of a man answered within seconds.

"I'm coming." That was all he said.

He paced back and forth while we were waiting, and I wanted to say something comforting, but I had no idea what. I ended up just keeping quiet with a worried expression.

It wasn't long until the gate that was next to us made a clicking sound, and a man that I identified immediately as his brother, came out of it looking irritated by my presence.

"Who are you?"

"Classmate."

"Good. Go. I will take him to the hospital."

He headed straight to a black car, and Jungkook almost ran toward it as well. He, not for a moment, stopped hyperventilating.

"Wait, what's wrong? Has this happened before? Is he having an asthma attack?"

'Am I actually killing Jungkook by providing him weed?'

His brother laughed in my face.

"No. He's having a panic attack."

I stopped right behind the car as he got inside it and closed the door while his brother kept the driver's door still open.

"But he overdid the pills so they won't give him any and now we have to go to the hospital every single time!" He yelled and I could see Jungkook shuddering in the backseat.

"Thanks for helping. Now go home." He shut the door in my face and started the car.

I moved out of its way on autopilot, but I couldn't stop staring their way, even after the car was out of sight.

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

Chapter Text

The sun was setting, so I ran. Well, my body moved. Half my mind was left scattered in front of his building.

'Anxiety disorder would make sense. Maybe depression too.'

My groceries made strange sounds, but I didn't bother to check if anything broke.

'Panic disorder...and addiction since he probably continued to ask for pills. Or maybe he had an overdose in the past?'

I stared at the sky but all I could see was his parted lips.

'Is that what his brother meant? He's using grass to self-medicate?' The wind was getting stronger while the birds were flying in circles.

'And it's not working.'

"Grandma, I'm back! You awake?" I dropped everything at the door, untied my shoes, and went into our room, panting. And exhaled a deep breath. Prepared to face her.

That was until I saw that she was still asleep. Before I got to her bed, I heard someone knocking at the back door, and I felt anger rising inside me as a fire would start from a single-lit match thrown into the wrong place.

"What the hell? Who...?" Before I could even finish, I locked eyes with a heroin user who was hard to forget, since he only had four teeth left, Jeonell.

"You're the other one, aren't you?" He asked.

I slid the door shut behind me fast.

"The other what?" He seemed as if he was trying to control his body's tremor. The only light source was a poor suspended bulb that was currently being attacked by moths.

"Dealer." He mumbled.

The light struck his eyes in the dark of the night, making them appear as if they were completely red.

"Oh, do you want me to call him?" I barely touched my pocket when he stretched out his hand quickly in an attempt to stop me.

"No, I'm late with the pay... he probably knows..."

"Well, I don't know how else I can help you, man." I smiled nervously and thought of how I could get him as far away from my home as possible.

'How does he know where I live is the real question?'

"Do you have some?"

"Some... what?"

"You know, my fix." The mere thought of it made him unconsciously smile, uncovering his dirty few remaining teeth.

"Nah, I don't deal with your type of stuff. Sorry." I was telling the truth, but his disgruntled expression made me think that he didn't believe me.

"How come?"

'Too risky and I have zero security.' I thought.

"Boss won't let me," I said.

"My friend told me that you do." At that very moment, I heard something moving in the bushes.

And suddenly, I felt like I was a puppy being cornered by rabid dogs.

"Yeah? Is he here? I'd like to see some proof." I spoke loudly.

And thought: 'Maybe it's because I’m worried... but he doesn't blink much, does he?'

"I don't like liars." I heard him saying, as I watched a man in torn clothes slowly approaching us. I thought I should call the cops, but then realized that it would put me in more trouble than it would them. Then I thought of Fred and how he wouldn't get here fast enough unless he decided to randomly drop by today and was already on his way. That only ever happened once before though.

"Hey, little boy." The second man greeted me, smelling like alcohol and looking homeless.

'Fuck it.' I pulled my phone out of my jeans, but he slapped it out of my hand so fast that I barely realized it had fallen.

"We don't want trouble. Five will do. Each."

"I'm telling the truth, you know. I got none."

"Then you don't mind if we take a look, do you?"

'If I would've lived alone, I wouldn't care. But my grandmother would have a heart attack if she woke up and saw your ugly mug.' I bit my lips in an attempt to calm myself down.

The drunk proceeded up the stairs so I hit the other one between his legs, then quickly grabbed the coat of the other, dragging him back to the ground. He tripped with a crooked smile.

"You didn't seem so stupid at first..." He revealed a small knife that he had kept attached to the inside of his torn jeans.

I was looking at it when the man with four teeth hit me directly on right side of my face. I let myself squat down, as my brain started blasting a song I knew and hated each time it started: "If she hears, she will be afraid. If she thinks I'm in trouble, she'll worry. If she worries, she might...'

They kicked me in the stomach, then one of them got on top of me. Hitting me in the face again and again.

I cared so little that I didn't even think about protecting myself. All my attention was directed at the level of our voices.

One blow hit me especially hard, but I couldn't afford to scream and risk waking her up. When I saw one shoe touching the stairs right next to me from the corner of my now-only good eye, the thought of my grandmother's crying face made my blood boil.

'Why did I have to get home when she'd usually wake from the pill induced sleep? Why?!'

My phone started ringing.

I threw the guy off me and kicked him straight in the head until he stopped moving. I couldn't tell who was which at this point since I was bleeding somewhere from the top of my head and the crimson liquid tainted my view. His friend noticed the sudden change of positions and grabbed me from behind, ready to deliver more blows.

It stopped ringing.

Dodged and kicked the man between the legs for the second time that night and then offered another blow to the head as he leaned to cover his private parts out of instinct.

"What the fuck... you... mother..." I told him to shut up as I kept beating him to a pulp. Something that became counterproductive just as I was expecting since he started screaming at the top of his lungs. I rushed to cover his mouth.

The ringing started to annoy me more than their sounds.

I figured it was another avoidable, unwanted sound, so I answered.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, kid. I just wanted to let you know about our next meal. I've got something I want to talk abo..."

"You're going to pay! You fucking...!"

"Hang on, Fred. His friend woke up."

"What?"

Left the phone on the ground and as I wrapped my left hand across his mouth, I broke his leg with the right.

"If you make another sound, I'll break the other one, you hear me?"

He nodded as sweat continued dripping down his face. I noticed a drop of blood falling from above, right onto his cheek. I looked around for the other one, however, he was nowhere near us.

'It must be mine.' That's all I thought as I walked over to his friend, who was now holding his head between his legs and cursing.

"Crazy son of a bitch!"

"Why are you so loud?" I asked him and then grabbed him by the neck, strangling him until his face turned blue.

"Pl-e-e."

When I thought he was losing consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I just slammed him to the ground. I then stepped on his ankle, letting gravitation do its job until I heard a crack. His sudden scream had me kicking his face again.

"Hush." I grabbed his knife and held it up against his neck before whispering slowly, yet clearly, "One more sound and you're gonna wake up screaming in your next life." He covered his mouth in response.

I sighed and went to pick up my phone.

"What's up?"

"What the hell's going on?!"

"Two of your friends came to my house to pick up some stuff. Yours. I told them I didn't have it, but they didn't believe me."

"Friends? Who? What stuff?"

"You know. Your...happy stuff."

"Oh." For a moment, neither Fred nor they made one single sound. My eyes turned to the only remaining source of the sound. The moths were slowly being fried alive while hitting the heated bulb again and again. I looked down and saw my reflection in the window. Half my face was black and the other one was pretty normal, except for the bruised cheek. What surprised me, however, was the light reflected in both. Like horrifying red headlights.

"I'm sending people over right now. But where are you exactly?" I snapped out of it and looked away.

"My backyard."

"Oh..." After another moment of silence. "Can you hold them there for another five minutes? Ten at most?"

"Don't worry. I made sure they can't move much."

Ironically, the one I just strangled tried to move his leg which made him moan a bit too loudly for my liking.

"Sorry. I'm gonna fix it. I promise."

"Yes, you will." I hung up.

"You are a monster."

'I'm just a good grandson.' I wanted to argue but didn't.

"I am the last monster both of you will see if y'all make another bloody sound!"

'I should've whispered.' I looked up to see the bum grabbing his knife and crawling toward me. I resisted the desire to laugh like a maniac as I waited for him to come near me. I cupped his tiny knife without hesitation, the sensation of it, cutting into the palm of my hand, sent a pleasant chill down my spine. He let go of the knife and fell backward before I had the chance to do anything.

"Now I'll be good, I swear to God." He looked scared enough. Hence, I was satisfied. But I still had to break the other leg since he made multiple sounds after my last warning.

Fred's lackeys arrived before he did.

I don't know what happened to the two after that since they were quickly dragged out of my backyard without much resistance. But I could imagine I'd never see them again.

I was too busy telling everyone to be as silent as possible to notice the way some of them were looking at me.

"They hit your face pretty good." That's the first thing Fred said when he arrived.

He didn't come near me. He just stared at me with a nervous smile on his lips. 

"It'll heal." I told him.

"Did they stab you?"

It was only then that I realized that I had forgotten about the knife that remained stuck in my hand for the entire time. I unclenched my fingers and stared at it, confused.

"Adrenaline, eh?" He assumed.

"Probably."

All of a sudden, Fred hugged me and said nothing. Since I only had blows thrown my way in the last hour, I found this action comforting yet strange. I couldn't bring myself to embrace him back even if I knew I should.

I stood there, like a statue. After letting go, he gently removed the knife.

"I brought a first aid kit." He casually informed me.

He ended up cleaning the blood, sitting on the stairs.

"Still in survival mode?" He asked me when I nearly hit him when he poured medicinal alcohol all over my hand. "You can't risk getting infected."

"It's clean enough." I tried pulling my hand away, but he didn't let me.

"That's different."

"Can you be done now? Grandma must be worried."

This made him sigh.

"Almost."

I don't remember what we spoke about or how much time it took. All I knew was that by the time he left, it was pitch black and the moon was above the forest that was after the fence of my garden. My arms were shaking and so were my legs. He apologized as my face stung and bandages got covered in blood, both mine and theirs. I told him it wasn't his fault, to begin with, and left it at that.

After all, I was too busy thinking of a good lie.

'The adrenaline's fading.'

I felt that while I was staring in the mirror of the bathroom, without being able to find one drop of blood on my face or neck.

Changed my clothes with dirty ones that I found in the laundry basket before slowly sliding into the door of our bedroom.

"Hi. I'm sorry I came home so late." That's all I said to my grandmother when I came in and half bowed as an indication of my remorse. She looked at me with kind, yet concerned eyes.

"You're a young man. Don't be silly, but did...are, are you hurt?" The more she saw of me, the more her eyes squinted.

"I’m fine."

"Is that a cut?"

"I just got into a fight at school."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"I am fine,” I assured her, thinking of how I was going to make the quickest dinner as I sat her up and couldn't help but notice the way she was analyzing my entire body with furrowed brows and sad eyes.

"Why'd you fight? Are you getting bullied? Son, you better be honest with me."

"No." I smiled and tried to reassure her more. "He was a friend of mine."

"What kind of friend punches you like that and...your hand is bandaged. Why is..." I cut her off.

"I punched him back, of course. The nurse took care of me afterward." I turned on the Tv and avoided looking at her. I then saw the clock on the wall and turned to the door.

"Ah, you need to take your pills."

"Namjoon!"

"Yes?"

"Can you at least tell me why you two fought?

"No." That was all I said before leaving the room.

Thinking: 'Any reason I'd come up would require more lies...'

Filled a glass of water, warmed up a few leftovers, and came back with a heavy chest. I wished she would've looked at the screen instead, but she gave me her undivided attention.

I avoided her eyes as I was feeding her and then I almost fell asleep until I heard her calling out my name again. "Do you need anything grandma?"

"I'm worried about you."

"Why? It was just a fight. These things happen."

"I don't want it to be fine. I want your life to be great. I want you to come home and tell me you've had an incredible day. I wish I could...help..." Tears gathered in her eyes and I hugged her quickly without even thinking.

"You being here. That helps me. I hate being alone."

"I know."

And before I realized it, I fell asleep on her knees.

I hadn’t dreamed for a while, but during these short hours of sleep, I saw my dead parents attempting to walk through a snowstorm.

I was just a tiny kid trying to catch up to them with my short legs. I screamed and cried, but they never looked back. I never got to them either. I was freezing and tired, so I sat in the thick, high snow and cried.

I could still feel the hot tears and unbearable pain, even after I woke up.

Looking up, I saw my grandmother with her back still against the wall.

'I'm sorry.' I laid her down and covered her in blankets like I should have before I fell asleep.

The shower that used to relax me seemed like a million needles piercing my skin.

The coffee didn't taste good e and I couldn't even bring myself to listen to anything or read to distract my mind.

Headed to school with a blank mind and a knot in my throat. Ignoring the painful feeling that hugged me and wouldn't let me go.

People would stare at my wounded cheek, but they seemed to assume the obvious the moment they spotted my hand.

When I finally arrived in class, Jungkook was facing the window with headphones in his ears. I couldn't figure out if he was asleep or not, but he was making a point to seem unavailable.

As usual, I sat down without saying hi to anyone. Soon enough, they started asking. I came up with a lie on the spot that I kept repeating for the rest of the day, and all my classmates started to spread it around.

Finally, I retreated into a tiny dark corner of my mind. So, I didn't hear a word that the teachers said, nor did I read a word from the book that had been in front of me as my way of making it look like I wasn't available. After a whole day of seeing nothing more than the image of my parents’ backs that I took with my mind's eye, I finally looked to my left since it started raining.

I haven't even so much as glanced at him all day. But as soon as I turned my head, he was now facing my way and staring directly at me.

I swallowed hard, and all the numbness was replaced by the feeling of hunger and sadness.

When the classes were over, I gathered my stuff on autopilot and before I could leave, I felt a tug on my jacket.

"Rooftop." That was all he said.

I sighed audibly, but I wasn't even sure if I was relieved that it mattered to him or not.

Texted Fred that I was going to be late for our lunch today. He told me that I had the day off anyway and that I could get there anytime I wanted.

Five minutes later, I was standing in front of the door that led to the barely-covered rooftop. Pacing back and forth.

'I just have to repeat the lie I’ve told everyone else.' That's how I convinced myself to face him alone.

I went out, headfirst into the mellow, spring rain that felt strangely comforting. But it couldn't wash away the bitterness that overflowed from every pore.

'Am I missing my parents again? Or do I feel guilty about wanting to kill someone? Perhaps, it's because I lied?' I kept asking myself. I wished for a voice that knew more than I did to pop up and answer every question I couldn't figure out.

My mind went quiet when I spotted Jungkook smoking in his usual corner. And then he saw me.

'I don't know...It's so...lonely...' That was all I felt as I walked toward him and hugged him without saying a word. He didn’t embrace me back. I closed my eyes.

After a few minutes, he asked me what any normal person would have.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

'I got into a fight with this childhood friend of mine about liking the same girl and...' I thought.

"I...I don't want to lie," I said.

"Then don't." He suggested, smiling a small smile.

"I can't."

I heard myself saying. And then, I just left.

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

            ◦         

Chapter Text

"Does it hurt?"

"No."

The sound of our forks scratching the plates and the dripping of the faucet was starting to drive me crazy.

"I promise that they'll never bother you again."

"I believe you, Fred." I smirked, pretending to believe him.

"Is there anything else we can talk about?"

"Sure." He raised the glass and took a sip.

"So, did your sister move in, or is she just visiting?" I casually inquired while staring at the pink and white dresses that covered half of an already big sofa.

He sighed deeply as if the subject alone was exhausting him.

"She's just visiting."

He looked into the distance, narrowing his eyes as if he could see her on the wall. And then he whispered, "I hope."

"You loveee her." I teased.

"Of course, I do." He straightened up in the chair.  "She's just…a bit…she nags sometimes…" His back relaxed back into its usual curve as he stared at his plate without taking one bite.

"About?"

"Anything. I mean..." he lifted his napkin and showed it to me. "The woman doesn't like my napkins. My napkins! What's wrong with them?!"

"I couldn't say." His sudden outburst amused me.

"Nothing, I tell you. You wipe what needs wiping, you throw them away and then you buy new ones! Isn't that their function? But no, they must be colored depending on the season, your mood, or something!"

My laughter started softly then got louder when he went to the cupboard and took out a round, white plate, and began gesturing with it.

"You want to know what's wrong with this plate?"

"Yes, please," I said in between chuckles.

"It's round...but it should be a square. And preferably, a flower must be painted on it. Not flowers, but a flower. Why? 'Cause, that's what you want to see next to your food! Only one God damn flower."

He sat back down, lifted his fork, and then presented it to me as if he remembered something.

"Don't you think this fork is too big? If it's smaller, then it would help you and me lose weight! Who knew? Nutritionists all over the world should forget all they've learned during years of studying and start listening to my sister instead!"

"Stop, my cheeks are hurting." I was holding onto my belly while trying to calm down.

"It's not funny. She's been here for only two days and she covered my bed with pillows. She used my card to buy ten cushions, ten! And they're more expensive than my clothes!"

"This is too funny."

"How? I don't have any room left to lie down like any normal person should. And she didn't even ask me... she's spoiled. I'm telling you."

I drank some water in an attempt to stop myself from laughing, then wiped the tears that had gathered in the corner of my eyes with a smile.

"But you still lovee her."

He sighed but this time, grinning "Speaking of love…how's your love life going?"

The expression on Jungkook's face when I left just after hugging him flashed into my mind's eye as if it were a real image.

"I am not sure," I said and then went right back to playing with my broccoli.

"You confessed?"

"Well, sort of, yeah."

"And what did he say?"

"He asked why I like him."

"That's a bit odd. And then what?"

I looked up to see the face of someone waiting at the edge of their seat while watching a suspenseful film. It was my turn to sigh.

"I told him it's because I like the way he ...tastes."

"You’ve finally kissed him?" He leaned back with a hand on his chest as if I had hurt him by keeping this piece of information or his heart just skipped a beat.

"No. Yes. Well, not then. Ah…It doesn't matter."

"It does. It's taken you an eternity to even... "

"That's not the point. Thing is, we're not together." I paused and looked at his confused face while I doubted what I had just said myself. "I think... I don't think we are. Are we?"

He slapped his forehead.

"Did you ask him out?"

"I've confessed that I like him already. More than once, might I add…"

"You need to ask him a real question! Repeat after me: Dear junkie, will you be my boyfriend? Wait, that's not good, it sounds like a letter. In fact, that could be better."

"What could be better?"

"Writing him a letter."

"This isn't the 80's, you grandpa!"

I got up and brought the plate to the sink.

"Sure, be picky and stubborn, but remember that the longer you wait, the more likely it is that he does not reciprocate your feelings so you're just wasting time torturing yourself. Or someone else might confess first. Worst case scenario, he could fall in love with someone else too, you know?"

Something within me burst.

"That's why I told you to test him a bit!"

I threw away the bits of uneaten food and started scrubbing the plate under running water.

"Every day there's a chance I'll end up in prison, but that won't be the reason why."

"Fine. Never mind."

I left the clean plate to dry and almost ran to my phone.

'Nothing.'

"Namjoon."

"Yeah?" I looked up at him but my mind was elsewhere. Stuck in a place where thoughts did not require words.

"Do you like him?" I suddenly remembered his face stained with tears and the way his lips felt against mine. My chest began to feel tight.

"Yeah." I admitted, looking down.

"Then what's the matter?"

"He's always high." I started, unable to look him in the eye or stop my fingers from clutching the phone with a death grip.

"I'm not sure if I've ever even met the real him."

Fred just tilted his head and rubbed his eyebrows, yet I continued, unable to stop myself.

"Let's hypothetically assume he says yes. And then what? He might dump me when he's sober. Maybe he doesn't even like me. What if he says yes just because I'm his dealer? That's even worse than flat-out telling me that he's not into guys at all…"

The fears that I didn't realize I had, before I started talking, had rushed out like water released from a dam. He stood up with his plate, passing by me quietly.

"If that's the case, then he's not the person for you and you're not the one for him. That's the risk you've got to take...but not risking... means you'll never get a chance to be with him or you'll never get closure. Ever."

"But…" He cut me off.

"And doesn't that mean that you've lost the game just because you refused to play in the first place? Not because you didn't stand a chance?"

I left his place feeling shorter than I was when I arrived.

Willing to wait for his sister to get home, but reluctant to since I couldn’t stop thinking about my grandma, Therefore, I made him promise he'd take her to our restaurant next time.

Somehow, I arrived home at a normal time and cooked her dinner.

"Didn't the nurse give you breakfast and lunch?" I asked when I heard her stomach singing high, starving sounds.

"She did. I don't know why I'm especially hungry today."

"Let's eat a lot tonight then."

Grandma stopped asking about my bruises and injuries. Instead, she resorted to mockery.

"You should put some blush on the other cheek. It looks like you haven't been taught how to do your makeup properly."

I raised my eyebrow at her antics but also wished she could teach me how to use makeup properly so people wouldn't stare as much.

"Shouldn't you explain how to apply concealer in this case?"

"Didn't I always tell you that more color is always better? Would you rather look like a ghost?"

We had a quiet and normal evening together, but my mind wandered between him and my parents. I couldn't figure out why I was thinking about them so much during the past few days. And as I made sure grandma was comfortable and warm, I realized their similarities.

'They're just people that I can't have.'

I couldn't fall asleep, so I stopped trying after a while. I snuck into the kitchen and decided to have some calming tea.

'But he's still alive.' I thought to myself as I picked up my phone.

While the water was over-boiling, forgotten in the old kettle, at exactly half-past one o'clock on a Saturday, I called Jungkook to talk about something more than drugs.

And he answered.

"Hi."

"It's Namjoon."

"I know."

"Were you asleep?"

"No."

I turned off the stove and breathed in deeply before asking, "Can you come over?"

He didn't respond right away. I touched the wrong part of the hot kettle and burned myself. But the only noise he could intercept was the cold water flowing on my hand. I didn't even complain or make a noise to indicate that I was hurt at all.

"No one's home so I can. But…why?"

A minute must have passed... maybe two or three, but no words left my mouth.

'Why can't I make something up? Why didn't I think about it before I called?!'

"To help me with …homework?" I tried, awkwardly. He started laughing right away.

"You're asking me? What the hell?"

"That was a poor excuse, wasn't it?"

"It doesn't even make any sense!" He kept laughing while I smiled unconsciously. The relief washed over me in his sweet and refreshing embrace that was his laughter, while the ice had melted between us. "Sorry," I said, but I don't think he heard me.

"No? Seriously, what happened?"

"Felt like having someone to chat with." I confessed.

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm…but it's so cold. Can't you come to my place instead?"

I felt the need to pick at my nails after his question.

"I can't leave my grandmother alone."

"Right, I forgot. Sorry." I turned off the water and sat on the floor with my back against the kitchen closet.

"So?"

"What do I get?" I was surprised by the unexpected playful tone.

"What do you mean?"

"I want a reward."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Surprise me."

"Fine." That's all I said as I started to rack my brain for anything that he'd consider rewarding.

"I'll call you when I'm there so I won't wake your grandmother. See you in a bit." He hung up on me.

I looked at the little piece of technology in my hand as if it were something I had never seen before.

'He's coming... fuck.'

I went into my room to check if she was sleeping and I got out some thick clothes, blankets, and heating pads before going back out to the main room. I dropped everything on the floor, plugged in the heating pads, and changed my clothes. I forgot all about the tea and instead, I searched inside every cabinet and corner for something he'd like.

'Why don't I have anything sweet? Well, it's cold. Should I make him some soup? But I don’t have enough time to cook.'

I went into the yard with my phone glued to my good hand and paced back and forth until my feet hurt.

'Weed? Is it a reward? Or perhaps something to drink? Sake or wine? Maybe if I heated it a bit… do I even have any?'

I went back in and found a bottle of wine and some cinnamon sticks. I threw them in a pot at the speed of lighting.

'Won't he think that I'm trying to get him drunk?' I turned the stove off.

'I've got nothing else. And if he doesn't drink much then it'll be fine.' I turned it back on.

'But if I ask him out and he says yes only because he's intoxicated...' Off again.

'Fuck it. I need a drink. He can just pick something else when he gets here.' I left it on and walked away.

I kept looking for something else but ran out of time.

'What does he want from me? I'm broke.' I pondered as I stared into a refrigerator that only contained some vegetables and meat that I bought especially for my grandmother.

Added sugar to the wine in an attempt to pass it off as dessert. I ended up having two cups before he arrived.

At first, I drank it to make sure it tasted good since I added more spices, but then started panicking the more I stared at the clock.

"I'm here." I could hear his voice coming from both the cell phone and outside the front door.

'Now what?'

The locked door was laughing at my cowardness.

"Just a second," I said before I hung up. Yet, I continued to stand completely still despite what I’ve just said.

'Just take it easy. This is no big deal. Worst-case scenario, he calls me disgusting and runs away.' I took the deepest breath I could physically take and opened the door.

 I was greeted with a trembling version of him; disheveled hair, a red nose combined with his tiny head coming out of the oversized jacket. While I was getting hit with a strong gush of wind.

'I can't do this. Grandma is in the other room. Why do I want to just tie him up and do h...'

"It's weird. The wind is barely even blowing but the air is just too cold." He came in with his hands in his pockets and stuck himself to the hot stove.

The fact that he whispered before I told him to, made me think of keeping him as a friend in case everything went to hell. I locked the front door.

"What's this?" He wanted to know, pointing at the tall pot.

"It's your reward."

"Warm wine?"

"Mulled wine. Do you want some?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" His mischievous smile reminded me of the moment I choked him without mercy.

"It will warm you up."

"Is it sweet?" He smelled it audibly.

"Yeah." I picked up a cup and offered it to him.

He took a sip and his eyes widened.

"It's surprisingly good." He said mostly to himself.

"Why is it so surprising?"

"You don't look like you're good at making things. I don't mean to offend you though."

"I can cook a lot of stuff... but only if there aren't a lot of steps to the recipe. Then I can do it. Like real…simple."

"It's good but it needs more sugar." I tried to take his cup away, but he softly slapped my hand.

"By the way, why were you all alone?"

"Cause my brother is sleeping over at his girlfriends'. Like he always does."

I took his jacket and watched him pour more wine and sugar. I hung his coat and got startled in the process.

"Man, that's better! I was hoping you'd bake me something, but I got here quicker than I thought and... Oh, sorry."

"Ｗhat?" I looked around and couldn’t find anything wrong.

"Was I too loud? Shouldn't we just go outside or something?"

"It's okay, just try not to shout. She took her pills, so we'll be safe for a few hours. We should go out after the heating pads are charged just in case though. "

"Ah, that's why they were plugged in. Good call." His words were a bit slow all of a sudden.

"No more wine for you." I took the cup from his hand and drank the rest. "Did you drop all of the sugar in it? It's too sweet now." I stuck my tongue out trying to give my mouth a break from the raw sugar that had not yet melted.

"But I'm finally feeling warm. By the way, what do we do if she suddenly wakes up and comes here? Do I dump the wine into the sink or something?"

"Don't worry, I swear she won't…" The wine had helped since we started talking about school, food, his family, and the club. We ended up sitting in the courtyard with blankets on the lawn, drinking a lot of reheated mullet wine, and making full use of all the heating pads.

"It's like a picnic after midnight, if only I had any food." I was slightly drunk, and he was rolling himself a joint at this point. I assumed it must be because he was getting sober.

"If the wind blows, you're fucked."

"Are you feeling lonely now?"

"What?" He licked the paper while I almost twisted my neck to look at him.

"You said you wanted company."

"Yeah, I don't... I feel better now. Do you want me to bring you a lighter?"

"I've got mine. Do you want a hit?"

"No, thanks."

"So... you're gonna tell me now?" He inhaled a little of the stuff and then held it in.

'Does he know? How? Did Fred get in touch with him? But when? And why?'

"Tell you what?"

"About the fight."

"Huh?" He exhaled and pointed at my bandaged hand and then at my bruised cheek. "Ahh, that. I was only protecting myself."

"Naturally. But you said you don't want to lie about it, which means you lied to everybody else. So why did you do it?"

"Because… I was…I am... ashamed of myself."

"Did you lose?" He smiled as his eyes turned redder and got smaller by the second.

"No."

"Then?"

"I…I didn't want to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Hitting them." I didn't want to look at him, but the silence that followed spoke volumes. He smoked a little more of it.

"So what?" He left the blunt next to him and then stretched before he continued, "Didn't you say that we have all our addictions or things like that? I mean, you didn't seek them out and started beating them up for no reason, right?" He turned to look at me with big red eyes.

"No. They're the ones that came to me and started it..."

"Right. Then everything's fine. If you only enjoyed the adrenaline while hitting them, well, you should join the boxing club or something like that instead of wasting time with ours."

"You're high," I concluded out loud, smirking.

"You're drunk." He grinned back before putting a hand around my shoulders, probably to comfort me.

He was looking ahead. I was, however, looking at him.

'Don't do it. Don't touch him. It's too soon.'

"Why did they do it?"

"They didn't believe I wasn't selling any of the hard stuff..."

"Ahh."

"I scared myself a bit…I think" I remembered the look on my face through the reflection of the window and my leg started shaking uncontrollably in response.

"You know, you were so terrifying that time, in the bathroom…"

'Damn.'

"I'm sorry," I said right away as I felt my whole body tensing up. The terrain felt harsher than before, even if I was sitting on at least two blankets. As if the cloud that had been floating above us had petrified itself. He kept leaning on me until he held on to me instead.

'He looks as high as that time…'

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but what was it that got you so angry with me?"

I decided to ignore his warm breath on my face by looking at the moon.

"I don't remember."

"You liar."

"I mean it."

"I don't like you. You're a liar." He tried to push me, but he fell on his back instead.

"Why?" I asked, genuinely concerned.

"You choked and face fucked me until I thought I was gonna die and you won't even give me a good reason for doing that!" He was making sounds that indicated his annoyance, but I couldn't think of anything to say.

"I thought it was obvious."

"It wasn't. It's just, all of a sudden, you went all Berserk on me and…" He started hiccupping.

"And then I kissed you." I went on, forcing myself to continue while looking anywhere else but at him.

"Yes. You make zero sense." He kicked the blanket childishly but continued to lie down. "I don't understand what I did wrong…"

"Did you like it?"

"What?"

"Did you like to be kissed by me?" I shouldn't have looked at him after asking that. Maybe one of us could have made a joke out of my question if it didn't sound serious, however, our eyes met. His parted lips and red cheeks made my tummy feel warm.

"I was scared, I thought you were gonna strangle me to death..." his voice was just above a whisper, but his hiccups got stronger. I wondered if he was aware of his body when he pulled his hands to his sides.

"Answer me."

He looked away and tried to get up, but I just pushed him back down as I pretty much got on top of him with the carelessness that I obtained from the mulled wine.

"Namjoon, what are you doing?"

"You've been... pleasing me, more or less, once a month for two years," I started without knowing where I was going with it.

"Yes, but…"

"And yet you get shy when it comes to kissing or doing anything else."

"It's not the same thing…" He stopped hiccupping and then tried getting me off of him but I just held my ground and pinned his hands, slowly but surely while I was talking.

"I know it's not. Which is why I want to do more. I don't know about you, but I like talking to you and I liked...kissing you." I got closer to him. Leaning in.

His scent continued to give. To invite me in. It was like the smell of the most delicious food floating around when you're starving. Even if the food could refuse to be eaten... I was afraid I couldn't resist his taste, but I was waiting for his answer out of curiosity. The red eyes, half-opened, fixed on the hand that was now over his.

"We can't…"

"Why not?" My voice was as low as his. Afraid I'd scare him if I spoke louder.

Leaning even lower, breathing next to his neck, jaw, and mouth.

"I am not good for you. Or anyone. I am sick most of the time…" I started laughing at his weird attempt at putting me off.

"Let me judge who is and who isn't good for me."

"But it's true and I'm also… I've never done…more…"

"I can teach you." He turned to look at me surprised. And then he looked the other way.

"Namjoon, the truth is, I'd rather not talk about it…"

"If you don't speak now, then keep your silence forever."

My head was spinning.

I tried to push him further by letting my weight do its job. Our bodies kissed even if our lips remained separate. He shifted under me as if he was uncomfortable.

"The truth is that I don't think I'm gay. Ok? I have nothing against gays. I'm not sure how I feel about it myself, but…I don't want to lead you on, or…"

I smiled. A smile that was broad and painful. I was grateful that he didn't dare to look at me. Then I could keep smiling on my own.

The wind was blowing softly, the crickets were singing and the moths kept getting burned as they touched the light bulb over and over again.

No matter how many times they got burned, they never learned their lesson.

"I can help you find out." That was all I said.

He innocently asked how, mostly to himself.

I just started kissing the side of his neck as if I was bewitched. I could feel him shaking under me.

"Namjoon, we shouldn't…" I reached his collarbone, where I licked, sucked, and bit. When his breath began to grow faster and stronger, I thought the corners of my mouth would rip my face in two.

I wasn't sure if I was happy to have him under some sort of sick control or if I was happy that he didn't curse and hit me. I didn't know what it was that made me smile, but all I knew was that I didn't want this moment to end. So, I continued to mistreat his neck. Even dared to peck the corner of his lips.

"I think that's eno…" His voice died when I licked his earlobe and bit hard. I was pleased to hear him moaning out of pleasure for the first time. His eyes got bigger in shock. He genuinely tried to get me off him with what I realized, must’ve been his full strength.

"Just...st..op..." I freed his hands, but I didn't move a single inch. I was still above him, one hand on his right, the other on his left.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know…I…" He pushed my chest away and seemed like he was about to cry, but this time it wasn't because of fear.

"Are you disgusted?"

"No, but…"

And that was all I needed.

I kissed him again.

No. I attacked his mouth and every corner of it until he ran out of breath and saliva was dripping down his cheek. Our tongues danced until they intertwined.

When I finished licking every part of his mouth and tasting his tongue, I leaned back and saw that he didn't open his eyes even if his hands were still up, attempting to keep me at a distance.

It was a bad attempt at keeping me away, even if it was just for a few centimeters. A string of saliva connected us for a second while we were both trying to regain our breath. Then I did the action that I was so afraid of. The one that had made me drink after a long time. I used my leg to separate his legs. I saw his eyes opening while my hand was intertwining between his legs as I reached for his member.

"You're hard." I thought I said it inside my brain, but the look on his face made me realize that I said it out loud.

The skinnier and shorter man tried to push me off until he was too tired to keep pushing.

His body's response made me bite my lip and suck his tongue like a hungry animal. I violated his body through his clothes, by touching and squeezing anything I could. Every curve and every bone made me rub against him harder. I started to thrust unconsciously through my now, tighter clothes. As I squeezed the back of his neck, I remained dissatisfied.

He was moaning without meaning to moan. He was trembling from all the touches I was forcing on his body.

I wanted him to be unable to move, speak or think.

I was in love.

I was drunk.

I was addicted.

I wanted more.

'I have to stop.' I had this thought for what could have been at least half an hour but my body wasn’t concerned. I nearly considered doing it. I thought I'd allow myself to rip his clothes, taste every inch of his skin, turn him around, and rape him as if tomorrow would never come.

The simple thought of him, crying out of pleasure and pain brought electricity through my veins. But I stopped my hands from wandering and opened my eyes so that I could merge with reality again.

What I saw next was a teary-eyed virgin boy with bruised, swollen lips covered in hickeys and trembling from every joint.

'I'm freaking him out. He'll never talk to me again…'

But before I faced the reality of my actions, I allowed myself to steal one last, innocent, kiss. Then, I leaned back and sat down in front of him. Leaving him plenty of room to get up. He didn't move for a while.

He seemed to be staring at the sky in a beautiful daze. He continued to breathe irregularly as he stood up and yet sat back down before me. He didn't say a word. He looked at me with messed-up hair and swollen red lips.

"What?" I asked, in an attempt to lighten him up. But his eyes looked like they were about to pop out and his body was still slightly shaking.

"Are you cold?" I covered him in a blanket and then I attempted to fix his hair.

"I'm not cold." He suddenly got up, so I did too.

I thought he'd leave, but he didn't.

He got his blunt off the ground and lit it up. I waited behind him with my hands in my pockets. He was smoking quietly while I was burning on the inside.

I couldn't see his face or anticipate his reaction.

But after a while, he turned around and his face revealed… nothing.

His eyes were larger than usual and the small wounds I left behind shone with fresh blood in various shades of red in the light of the moon.

"Well, now you know." I heard myself saying it like I was talking from within a dream.

I knew that he didn't know what I was talking about so I clarified what I meant.

"You said you were confused if you could be gay…"

He absently nodded.

"It hurts."

He said, touching his chest.

"What does?" I was getting a bit paranoid that I might’ve caused another panic attack. Then he elaborated,

"My neck, my lips, my tongue, and…"

I smiled as he looked down, shocking himself and me, by admitting to me that he was still hard. His face revealed that right after he spoke.

"You must think I'm a fool."

"No. I don't. I still like you." I confessed one more time and watched his smile fade as if the wind were slowly wiping it off before he turned away.

"Oh." 

I approached him and wasn't surprised when he took a step back.

"I'm sorry, we can take it slow. I can…take it easy." I whispered while he seemed to be staring at my hands.

"I'd like that…"

I ignored his shivering and grabbed him by the shoulders before hugging him strongly.

He didn't respond.

Even so, I drunkenly demanded:

"Be mine."

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

Chapter Text

It's been three days.

Three days since I've confessed my love to him for the third time. Kissed him for the second time and touched parts of his body for the first time.

I'd be lying by telling myself that I didn't feel the slightest remorse for holding him down when he tried to push me away, but in a way, I was glad that I did.

The memory of his scent kept me intoxicated.

Electricity flowed through me every time I thought about the feeling of his back and chest against my fingers.

I watched him in class as the stalker that he probably already thought I was. I felt no shame every time the teacher would raise their eyebrow at me or a classmate would catch me staring.

He covered all signs of my kisses with makeup. His neck looked like I had never touched it. That alone annoyed me for a reason I couldn't comprehend.

Aware that he was becoming an obsession. I told myself that I shouldn't follow him around like a dog. Even if I was perfectly content with the fact that I looked insane.

I couldn't stop.

The way his body fit mine like a glove. His soul attracted me like a light in the night. And his very presence made me more honest.

Maybe it was because I knew most of his dark parts. Maybe it was because I wanted someone that I could talk to and he's been there at the right time and place. Or maybe I simply liked him a little too much.

Whatever the reason, I couldn't eat, rest well, or pay attention to anything else.

Three days ago, in that extremely early morning, he left me boiling on atop a high flame.

I demanded he’d be mine and he just asked, "What does that mean?"

Proceeded to explain every detail I could think of. My desires and normal stuff people usually do once they're dating. I bared my soul naked only for him to step over it with clean feet as he simply responded,

"We're both quite drunk, I think we should talk about it when we're sober."

At the moment, I was quite happy that he wasn't making a rash decision only to reject me later.

Then it hit me.

‘But the thing is…he's never sober.’

I followed him home without even hiding and he hadn't turned around once. I wanted to use our meeting outside the school as a simple coincidence for a chance to talk and clear the smoke. But he just went his way without ever noticing me. He wasn't ignoring me either. He just never looked up.

If not being drunk is what he had meant, then he wasn't drunk anymore.

He had my phone number. Hell. The class had just ended and he left without saying a word.

I was losing both faith and patience.

And I couldn't figure out what he was thinking. I started considering that he had so much to drink that he had completely forgotten about it, so I waited until he sat down by the lake to walk up to him but I wasn't fast enough.

"Hi." My view was being blocked by a tall, red-haired, and boxy-smiling boy.

"Who are you?" I snapped.

"Taehyung."

"That's not telling me much."

"A friend of a friend." I looked him up and down in an attempt to read him.

"Right. If you don't mind, I have to-"

"What do you sell?"

'I keep forgetting that innocent-like isn't all that innocent.'

"Excuse me?" I hadn't realized that the incident with the two heroin users activated all the latent fears I’ve gained by being attacked. I'd usually jump at the sight of a new customer but now, I wanted him to state his business first and for me to delay revealing any of my business.

"Sniff or pills? Or-"

"How old are you?"

"We go to the same school..."

"What is it that you want from me exactly?"

His smile didn't disappear from his eyes but his lips became a thin line.

"Uppers."

Scanning our surroundings for students or cops, I then circled him like an animal checking another out.

'No visible weapons or signs of scars.'

"What class?"

"C, first."

"Budget?"

"Forty bucks."

I sighed and thought to myself that it was safe, as long as I could check that what he said was true, before meeting him again. Inclined to make a loose commitment before I could trust him with anything.

"In a few days. Same place, same time."

"Cool."

And the boxy smile returned.

I, however, turned around to check if Jungkook was looking at us.

'He's gone.' I sighed and walked away from the redhead in a daze.

"Wait, you're Monster, right? That's what they call you, right?"

This stopped me dead in my tracks and had me looking back at the innocent-faced Taehyung scowling.

'Fucking…'

"Sure."

I saw him waving excitedly as if he had just made a friend.

"See you around then! Bye-bye!"

Walked away but remained stunned for the next couple of hours.

I attended to the regulars in a daze. I got offered to smoke a couple of times and considered it as Jungkook's face kept popping into my brain like an annoying song that won't leave your head no matter what.

'But being high will only make me want to act more irrationally.'

I gave him alcohol, took advantage of him, and then proceeded to ask for more. I knew I’d been selfish but it was already said and done.

When Thursday slowly rolled on its fat belly and showed its face, I had dismembered everything that had happened piece by piece a hundred times. At this point, I wasn't so sure that I wanted him to remember what had happened either.

'I have to be at the club in one hour.'

The promise I made to Kwan one week ago didn't sound so good to me right now.

'He might not even be there.'

That consoled me until class ended and I caught him stealing a glance my way.

'I should just go straight to the rooftop instead.'

That'd be the courageous thing to do.

So, I walked as slowly as possible until I met an actual crossroad.

I took out a coin and tossed it.

'Heads for Jungkook, tails for Kwan.'

I got tails and disappointment washed over me.

'Guess I am a sadist.'

I climbed up the stairs, opened the door, and walked until I reached an empty corner.

'Of bloody course.' I was ready to call him on the phone until I heard the metal door opening and closing.

A few seconds later, he was in front of me.

"You're going to skip the card game too, huh?"

He walked to his usual spot, sat down, and started rolling a joint.

I felt a vein inside my head throbbing.

'Calm down.' That is what I told myself multiple times before I grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the wall. His stuff flew to the floor, but his eyes were finally focusing solely on me.

"Say it." I found myself whispering, chest tightening at the same time.

"Say what?" His surprised expression and small hands holding onto the one that was by his throat had me smiling a joyless one.

"Your answer."

He looked down.

'See, he remembers everything.'

"I've thought about it..." I almost released his collar but his next words made me grab his neck instead, "I don't know… don't think that I am into guys…ouch…"

"Stop bullshitting me, Jungkook. Admit you don't like me instead, please. I beg of you. Reject me and stop blaming it on your sexuality."

I didn't squeeze. I just held my hand there in an attempt to control the situation in the only way I thought I could.

'Look at me...'

He continued talking, yet he didn't face me.

"I'm serious. It has nothing to do with you. I think you're a great guy and…"

I could feel my anger rupturing, placed in a glass bowl that cracked with every word he uttered.

But truly, if my rage was a liquid then it's been overflowing for days.

Days in which I've checked my phone every five minutes slept by it, and then silently watched him. Every time he walked past me or looked my way, I'd stop breathing, expecting something that never came. Even now, I still had to force an answer out of him.

As if he didn't think about it. He avoided it instead and blamed it on something that shouldn't even matter.

But it couldn’t work because I was not into guys either. I was into him. That was it. And that's all there should ever be.

Yet, I could feel his heartbeat catching speed in my hand as I squeezed lightly and leaned in.

"You got hard from kissing." Our lips were almost touching, his eyes closed from the sudden pain and lack of air.

"I… I kn…ow."

"It seems to me that you don't."

All my anger melted like ice on a summer day.

His lips called to me and I had to answer. To my surprise, he shyly kissed me back.

I stopped before I lost all control and verbally attacked him further.

"Why are you kissing me if you're straight, Jungkook? Do you think straight guys kiss other guys?" His eyes went wide as his hands went limp by his sides.

"I don't…know."

"You don't know, ha!"

'Is he joking? Or is he making fun of me?'

His eyes avoided mine in shame as I felt the urge to laugh. Instead, I did something I'd been wanting to do since Saturday morning.

"So, you're still not sure. Fine. I will help you again. This time, you will be sober. Well, as sober as you can be."

"Don't…" I kissed him before I had to hear the words that were designed to push me away.

I quickly turned him around and used one hand to hold his wrists behind his back and then I used the other to unzip his pants. I licked and bit his earlobe as I pressed myself against his back.

He tried to release himself at first, but after I grabbed his penis and started stroking, I could see his ears and face turning red even from where I was standing.

"You're hard again," I concluded, smiling.

"I…" He started, but words stopped coming out. Muffled moans and shallow breaths replaced them.

I stroked him faster and then kissed the back of his head as I glued myself to his back, pinning him completely against the wall.

"Are you confused right now?"

I looked down and couldn't help, but compare us.

'You're cute everywhere. Aren't you?'

I waited until I could feel his pre-cum, before ceasing any touching.

I whispered in his ears, bitterness dripping from my tone, "Look down, Jungkook. Come on."

He shook his head and yet I couldn't let it go as I then fucked the inside of his ear with my tongue, pulling on his balls hard. He moaned from both pleasure and pain.

"Look, down."

He hesitantly did. I smiled.

"Is it hard?"

He nodded while gasping.

"Regardless of my gender, I can make you hard. So, stop lying."

"I ..ah..was… wasn't lying…"

His voice was high-pitched and breathless, making me more turned on.

I let out an amused breath, smirking as I started pumping him for dear life. He didn't moan at this point but almost screamed. He suddenly started moving left to right but I kept him still and continued the same motion until semen poured out, as if a small shaken soda exploded onto the wall.

His knees almost gave out as he leaned his head back, right onto my shoulder, inhaling and exhaling deeply.

I released his hands, zipping him up with the same hand, gathering any liquid that was on his member with the other one.

He didn't move.

"That was quick."

"Excuse me?!" He immediately straightened and turned around.

I petted his head with the only clean hand, smiling widely.

"I didn't think it was possible. That's really cute."

The blush intensified.

"You…why…I haven't masturbated in months!"

"I am sure."

"It's true!"

"It's fine. I am happy for you."

He arched his brow in both confusion and anger.

"I could never finish in less than an hour. I'd kill to finish this quickly."

His mouth hung open as he grabbed his hair in frustration.

"I can last longer too! I haven't touched…!"

"Now, lick it."

"What?"

I showed him the drops of cum that were left on my right hand and brought them to his lips.

"Have your brain cells burned? You just raped me! And now you're asking me to…"

"Hey. I didn't rape you. That was not rape. I didn't penetrate anything and you enjoyed it. Here's the proof."

"Please, wipe your hands with something. Stop shoving it in my face!"

"It's yours. Lick it."

"I will not!" He looked outraged but I was strangely calm even though I was hard myself.

The awkwardness was gone. The pretense dissolved but I still had to ask again.

"Fine. Next time."

"Next what?…are you nuts?!"

"Since the confusion is gone now and you know for sure that you're gay," His mouth opened to retort so I lifted a finger to stop him "Or at least, you are for me."

His lips went into a thin line as I genuinely smiled. His burst of energy and playful anger evaporated into the next second.

"Maybe…"

He turned his head and almost walked away but I just grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me.

"Now. Your answer please."

He bit his lip and closed his eyes in distress.

'Who the hell makes this face?'

"Maybe."

"Maybe what?"

His eyes half opened and fixated on my neck or chest.

"Maybe we can try…"

For a second, I forgot I was nervous and that he was giving an answer. My mouth dried instantly and my chest felt like a bomb that just exploded.

"But we'll take it slow. We won't do this stuff for a long time. Understood? And I don't want to hear anything about your magic one-hour-long hardness or whatever. Ok? Just…normal…stuff…"

I kept holding onto his chin as he ranted while I stood before him, not knowing how to react.

"When I say slow. I mean icebergs melting. And also, stop holding me against my will! It's annoying and very, very embarrass-"

I embraced him at the same time warmth embraced my nervous system.

"You're mine." I heard myself saying.

"I am not an object." He argued.

"You're not. But no one will touch you and you won't touch anyone else."

"That's a weird definition." I stepped back and sighed in relief.

"I will kill both of you if..."

"Normal! I want a normal..."

I kissed him softly and then remembered.

"Oh, fuck…"

"What?"

"I think I just touched you with the cum hand-"

"AAHH!!"

Later I tried paying attention to Kwan's problems. I wanted to do some of my homework too. The thought of sleeping more at night pleased me greatly but concentration slipped between my fingers like small wet fish.

Since I got hard and didn't get any release, I was uncomfortable. The fact that Jungkook was just mere centimeters away, watching a crappy movie, made it even worse.

'Taking it slow. Icebergs melting, he said…'

"Namjoon, what's wrong?"

"Wait, what?"

Kwan didn't look too happy with me.

"You are anywhere else, but here. Did something happen?"

"Nothing. Not a damn thing."

"Are you sure?"

"Aha."

"Okay. If you're sure…"

"Guys. The new ASK7's music video is out," Bora announced and looked around as if we should all be jumping up and down in excitement right now. Instead, we all stared silently as the sounds of the movie and Jungkook eating chocolate-covered puffs filled the room.

"So sad, you guys don't know what good music is." She went on.

"Yes, that's the reason we don't listen to them," Sony mumbled with irony.

"Sony, did you say something?"

"Me? Never."

I sighed.

"That's it! You've been sighing every five minutes; I'm going to lose my mind."

"Kwan, leave the man alone." Yeong Cheol seemed to be able to pay attention to everyone else yet he never stopped staring at his cards during a match with Sony.

"But it's like the Chinese torture." She complained.

"Put some headphones in then," Sony suggested.

"I am sorry Kwan. I just had a …long, long day." I let her know.

"Why?"

Jungkook suddenly asked, turning around to look at me with a puff still in his hands.

I wasn't sure if he was being cute, or if he thought something else had happened today.

I was about to lie again, but then I realized that they all pretty much stopped what they were doing, waiting quietly.

"I…It's just been a tiring week." That was the truth.

"Why?" Jungkook asked for the second time, his big, innocent eyes making me want to do things to him until he cried.

"You know, homework and-"

"You said you haven't done any, that's why you wanted to catch up today instead of helping me…" Kwan pointed out, dejected.

"The thought of it bothered me. I kept thinking about homework and studying but couldn't do any. I guess I've exhausted myself, mentally." I was relieved that I only half lied.

"Hmm…I sure do know what that's like…" Sony nodded to himself, looking down at the few cards he had left.

I could hear Bora starting the music video on her phone.

Jungkook however, did not continue watching the movie.

"If you wanted it so badly, why didn't you just do it?"

I could feel a vein popping on my forehead. I hit the table as I got up, ready to drag him out of the room and give him a piece of my mind. Jungkook, however, suddenly started laughing harder than I'd ever heard him laugh and the flame of my anger got extinguished by his voice.

'He's messing with me, that little shit…'

"What? Why is he laughing?" Bora always wanted to be part of the joke but besides me, they were all confused.

I sat down and pretended to focus on my homework again, yet I swore I saw Sony smiling behind his cards.

We all resumed what we had been doing before, but I could still hear Jungkook chuckling every ten minutes. I wasn't sure if it was because of the movie or I.

I did hear most of it without meaning to.

A suspenseful mystery that was anything but amusing. Not my cup of tea.

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

Chapter Text

I was bored.

Bored with the sun that continued hitting my eyes every day from the same angle. Bored with having the same conversation with my brother. Bored with the same green smoke that I couldn’t function without.

The days I’d get my weed from Namjoon were like my birthday. The first day was heaven and yet I’d descend into hell as days passed by. I’d get more anxious, and greedier with the amount I was smoking, and with the time I’d hold it in. If it was my last joint, then I would hold it in until I would choke.

I’ve been smoking for free. Well, I tried giving him money once, but he preferred our deal instead. I couldn’t say I minded since the money our parents left for my brother and I was mostly used for utilities, necessities, and food. What I got was barely enough for sweets, the few products I used, and for when I was forced to buy some new clothes.

My brother knew something was up, but he didn’t confront me about it. As long as I was panic attack-free and I wasn’t vomiting on the carpet, he let me be. Strangely enough, I was happy to be alone.

Lonely? Sometimes. 

But lately, my dealer has been following me.

He hardly blinked when I was around. I was feeling as if I was prey to a dangerous animal.

He frightened me sometimes, but I’d feel warm every time we spoke about normal topics and my body would react to his every touch. Craving his touch as much as I wanted him to never come near me again.

I would avoid thinking about him after I’d get so high that I’d have to pay attention just to walk straight. I knew that my plan would weaken just along with my stash. And getting clean was out of the question.

The anxiety and panic attacks I’d get just by leaving the house or waking up were worse than any side effects. Except that the pills my psychiatrist used to give me before I overdid them made me suicidal.

After smoking, I could still feel this sinking feeling that let me know that doing anything else was hopeless. But the pills made me feel nothing. No joy or pain, and it was the closest I felt to being a living corpse. Not being able to laugh or cry scared the living soul out of me.

The illegality of weed bothered me. However, as long as there was any effect at all, as long as I had one second of relief, I would deny anything else and keep going.

But getting involved with any drug dealer was not a good idea, and I knew it. Even if I thought he seemed like he was a good guy, the chance of getting caught went from ten percent to eighty every time I was around him. My paranoia skyrocketed when we were together in the middle of the day and went down as the night rolled around.

His eyes burned the back of my head when we were in class. It was as if he was breathing down my neck as I stood on the rooftop even when he wasn’t there. The only place I had in school had been literally stained because of him. I rubbed the wall clean. There was no evidence left from our last meeting. But I couldn’t stop reliving the whole thing every time I looked at it.

I couldn’t forgive myself for acting the way I did.

I was not a woman. Yet I couldn’t as much as push him two centimeters aside.

Considered getting physically fit or eating healthier merely so I could have little control over the way I was being treated.

‘Who am I kidding?’

I could hardly stand for over ten minutes without considering sitting down to eat or fall asleep. And when I inevitably have to stay sober, I’d have to use all my time to study what I didn’t for the rest of the year, and also, I’d be especially sick and anxious. The idea itself leaped inside my mind every time he held me in any way, though later I attempted to do one single push-up and I ended up falling asleep in the same spot.

It’s been a week since I agreed to be in a questionable relationship with him. Even if I was scared to think about what was going on through his head. Despite my growing list of possible worst-case scenarios, he hadn’t called nor come near me once.

On Friday, I went to the lake and fell asleep there since the sun was warm and yet not so hot that it burned my skin. Plus, I didn’t have to worry about teachers locking me up on the rooftop.

I hated how some part of me expected him to just show up.

At first, I thought he was throwing caution to the wind, and then I considered he might wait for me to come to him. However, when the day of the club arrived, and he had missed both class and the club entirely, I realized something must’ve happened that had nothing to do with me.

One more week has passed with no sign. And I was starting to be worried without my conscious consent, but the one thing that bothered me, even more, was that I was running out of green and his phone had been turned off for a long time now. The only way to get my fix was to go to his house.

‘Like a bunny would innocently jump into the lion’s den.’

That is exactly where I was headed the moment that I opened the plastic bag and found nothing inside it. Just like it has been the last time I’ve checked.

Assuming he might come to school this Monday and that I should wait for him to return. He didn’t want anyone calling him if he turned off his phone, but my heart started racing and my air was feeling thinner.

I was suffocating when I started banging on his door at 9 PM.

Not thinking straight when I continued to do so, even when no one answered. Not even his grandmother.

The house was dead silent.

‘What the heck?’

I’ve called him every hour and yet his phone remained turned off.

‘Perhaps, he’s lost his phone?’

I paced for hours inside my room until I got tired enough to fall asleep.

Shivering and nauseous. Afraid I’d start feeling even worse. I barely slept four hours and woke up with anxiety ripping me to shreds.

Paced around for a few more hours, listening to music, calling a turned-off phone, moreover making up stories in my mind. I collapsed on my bed while clenching my teeth.

‘It’s almost Sunday. I can wait a bit more. I need to be patient…’

I was heaving for air as I got up to get some water. I was now starving and yet repulsed by the idea of food at the same time.

My hands started shaking.

‘Why am I shaking so soon? God, it's not like I am alcoholic. Why? Why?!’ These were my only thoughts as I grabbed a thick coat and walked out, nearly running.

By the time I arrived in front of his house, I couldn’t breathe.

“Please! If you’re home, please, answer! I need… Please… I know how I sound right now, but I am scared, and…”

I started bawling my eyes out and shivering in front of his door.

Ashamed of myself to the bone, but the relief was worth more than the desire to keep the little pride I had left.

I continued to beg and knock on the door. Regardless, after one hour of crying and freezing, no one responded.

I’ve examined every window and concluded that no one was home after checking every room twice. Hence, I did what I could do now that panic was clutching every vein and intern organ I had.

Suddenly, I allowed my legs to run at full speed. I had no one to go to besides my brother. The photograph my brain created was horrendous. The judgmental eyes of his girlfriend as she’s staring at me while I’m covered in a cold sweat, trembling, and begging for help have stopped me in my tracks.

‘He’d only take me to the hospital to get a pill that’ll help me sleep for seven hours, and then it will just start all over. No, the pill will feel dreadful too…’

No matter what brand or color. All I ever got was a pill that caused walls to grow tall, encompassing me like a shield. Protecting me from any emotion that any human has ever felt. The wind itself would feel like a stranger's touch. The only wish I ever had while on those pills was death and maybe to pull at my skin until I’d be able to take it off like a piece of clothing. Because I was that numb.

I contemplated it when the thought: I have no one to help me; emerged inside my psyche and my body replied. Electricity ignited every vein that I had as my lungs were drowning. But the likelihood of him figuring out that I was having withdrawals was not worth it.

Therefore, I ran until my knees felt like they would crumble. I’d rest for a few minutes to catch my breath and then I’d start running again.

I had no destination. I was running from the adrenaline that was inside my body and, naturally, it couldn’t work. The only way I could defeat my body would be if my soul would escape its meat prison as a ghost. Still, it was a better alternative to lying still and not being able to distract my mind.

I’ve tried calling him repeatedly.

“Hi Namjoon, I am genuinely concerned you might not be fine. I truly am. But please help me calm down, first? Can you? I’d really love to breathe normally for one second. Thanks.”

Talking to the home screen of my phone out loud in the middle of the street couldn’t look good. The fact that it was 4 AM helped immensely. No one was around to point any fingers.

Pretty soon, I was lost between buildings that I’d never seen before. I thought I could use the GPS on the phone to get back, except as I kept calling Namjoon, the battery was reaching dangerously low numbers.

Sweat was oozing from my temples, and every time the wind touched my skin. But when I finally collapsed on some grass and looked up at the sky, I felt a smile erupting. Stretching the corners of my lips without my permission.

I realized why later.

‘I am more exhausted than I am anxious.’

Finally, I shut my eyes. Resisted the urge to scream and fell unconscious on someone’s lawn.

“Morning boy, you’ll catch a cold.”

What I saw next was the weak sun attempting to stab through the grey clouds with its rays, which was an old lady poking me with her walking stick.

“I am sorry.” Was my prompt response while I got up too fast and began walking away.

“Are you hurt? Do you need some help?”

I glanced at my phone, and its three percent battery threatened me silently.

“Yeah. What street is this?”

 “It’s Sanghwa-ro 51.”

“Thanks.”

 “Do you need a lift, young man?” An old man approached us and then took the bag from the old woman’s hand.

“No, yes, I …”

 The heat of the sun hit me abruptly. Their proximity became too real, and my heart didn’t like that.

‘I need to get away from these people. I can’t stand the way they’re looking at me…’

“I live nearby. I will just use my GPS. Thank you and I am sorry for sleeping on your property.”

They kept glancing my way even after I was technically on public land.

Therefore, I pulled out my phone and did something I knew I shouldn’t have.

I called Namjoon again. And after that, I examined my GPS.

It was 9 AM, Sunday, and I was 40 minutes of walking distance away from home.

I looked at the map and all of its streets. Then I saw a child pointing at my clothes, so I also glanced down at what used to be a white shirt.

‘The grass… Great.’

My phone sent me a pop-up to announce that it now had two percent battery left.

So, I did the only logical thing that I could think of while I felt like I was about to throw up.

I called my brother.

“Hi. I know it’s early and sudden. But my phone will die in about two minutes. So, listen, please, can you please come to pick me up? I am on Sanghwa-ro 51. It’s a street with a lot of houses, like rich people’s houses. I will explain later. Please help me…”

“Jungkook?”

And that was all I got out of him. My cheap phone went to his happy place in ‘no battery purgatory’ and I remained standing in the sun, though the air was crisp.

It didn’t warm me up. It intensified the headache, however.

I knew I should’ve at least attempted to look normal and stand in the shade of a tree, yet as the hunger increased and the adrenaline reached full authority, I squatted down, hugged my knees, and hid my face from the rest of the world.

All I could do was hope that my brother would come and that the adrenaline would subside. Or perhaps, the hunger would get so strong that it would distract my nervous system. It did since I became so nauseous that I was glad that I couldn’t smell or see any food.

Yet my body felt frail. The sounds, the sun's rays, the wind, and even the shade. Just existing was causing me pain.

I knew this feeling. I’ve been living my life in a certain way just to avoid this very sentiment.

Desperate did not even touch the tip of the iceberg. It was more like a fish would suddenly get dragged out of the water and straight into scorching lava. As if my body was not meant to survive on planet Earth.

I’ve been told I am human my whole life but sometimes, I questioned if everyone knew I wasn’t and they just lied to themselves and subsequently, to me out of fear of the unknown.

If I had an emotional body, then it was frightened of living on this planet. While my physical body overreacted to anything as if it was poisoned. And perhaps it was.

The probability of humans coming remotely close sent chills down my spine. Moreover, moving or talking seemed like climbing a mountain.

I shut my eyes and began rocking back and forth to calm myself down.

It didn’t work, so I started crying.

‘Anyone, please help me.’

That was what I was thinking before someone had touched my shoulder.

My brother was out of breath and sweaty as he stared at me with wide eyes.

“What the hell happened?”

 “Please make it stop.” That was all I could say, as I assumed the same position I had previously.

He simply picked me up and laid me inside his car. We were at the hospital we always went to in less than thirty minutes.

It all happened in a daze. I couldn’t focus on anything and anyone. I didn’t hear a thing.

All I did was rock back and forth and trust in my body that it won’t die. Though I was certain that this is what dying must feel like. Well, without the sweet release.

Before the psychiatrist instructed me to go in, I’ve checked my phone one last time. As if, although both our phones were dead, Namjoon would still call and tell me to come and pick up my stuff. And like the great actor that I am not, I would just tell everyone that I’m suddenly feeling better now and then. I’d walk out with no valid explanation.

“Jeon Jungkook, how are you feeling today?”

I’ve looked up at the neat hair, at the wrinkleless face, and the perfectly ironed pristine white shirt. The object’s that decorated her desk were all placed symmetrically. The picture of a happy family on the wall and the false concern that was present on her face were in a funny harmony with each other.

Suddenly, I wanted to hit another human being. So, I told myself that it wasn’t her fault that she didn’t understand what I was going through.

Hell, I also didn’t understand anything myself.

However, the fact that human society selected her to be in charge of people like me made me feel even more cynical.

‘Oh, it must be so nice to be you.’

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. Now, tell me how you are feeling.”

‘Having coping mechanisms that society deems acceptable. Isn’t that nice?’

“This is a safe place. You know that.”

‘I wonder if you feel you are a better human being just because you can have a conversation without losing your mind.’

“You know I can just give you a pill but understanding the cause is more important than stopping it.”

‘Oh, shut up. Pills is all you know. Pills is what you think solves it all, don’t you? If there’s no visible reaction for you? Aren’t I cured?’

“I am here for you.”

‘You are anywhere but here. I bet you can’t wait for me to complain about literally anything so you can say: I understand. And then give me a pill that will just wreck my nervous system to the core…’

“Jungkook?”

“Yes.”

 “What happened?”

 ‘My drug dealer disappeared.’ I thought.

“I don’t know. I just woke up like this.” I said.

 “Did you have another nightmare?”

‘Yeah. I woke up from the warm, peaceful void only to find out that I am a bag of meat and bones on a spinning rock in freaking space and yet all I’m doing is bringing me one step closer to death.’

“Yes. Something was chasing me.”

 “Did that something remind you of anything?”

 ‘Death, uncertainty, anxiety, panic, dread, loneliness or you? Pick one.’

“I couldn’t see. It was dark, and it was so cold…”

 “Do you remember where you were… or… I am sorry but if you concentrate, I am sure that you can stop shaking.”

‘If I could, I would. Don’t you think? But then again, I don’t have a fancy paper on the wall that’s telling me and everyone else, how normal I am, even if my empathy has shut its brains out long ago.’

“I’m trying, but it doesn’t work.”

“Close your eyes and imagine that you’re in a peaceful, worry-free, and completely safe place.”

‘Oh, yes. I am on your grave dancing while smoking a joint.’

“Now tell me, what do you see?”

“A sunny beach.”

“Good. Breathe in and out, slowly.”

‘You think I didn’t try any of this shit? That the first time I felt like this was yesterday? I am not retarded! No… I shouldn’t get angry. That might show on my face and she might tell...’

“Now imagine that every worry you have is being swept away by the waves.”

‘I need to get the pills. Please, you, psychopathic lady, would you please shut up and prescribe me just one pill? I really want to make this panic stop for one goddamn second!’

“Do you feel better?”

I open my eyes and looked at her with what I hoped was a smile.

“Honestly?”

 “Of course, there’s no point if you aren’t honest with me, Jungkook.”

 ‘Not even one bit.’

“The dark thoughts have subsided, but the adrenaline is still there… I wish I could make it stop…”

“I am sure you do.” She sighed after mumbling.

‘You… mother fuc…!’

“So, do you remember where you were?”

 “When?”

 “In your nightmare.”

 “Oh, yeah.” Her stare went from my shaking legs to the paper in front of her. “In a forest. A dark, dark forest.”

 “Jungkook, I will prescribe you some pills. Just three for now and in case you still feel bad after waking up, you need to make another appointment. You know I would give you more, but you have a history of abusing pills so…”

‘So, we, as a business, we must pretend we care about you as an individual, so no one arrests us in case you kill yourself with the medicine that we’ve prescribed. The one who’s supposed to make you better. So, I can only give you this much, although it doesn’t really make a difference to me if you live or die. You understand, right?’

“Don’t be embarrassed to come back if you still feel like this soon. You can come back here and I will prescribe you some more. I’m also writing the same number as last time. Linda Freeman is an astonishing therapist and she has helped so many patients live normal, fulfilling lives with their… various conditions.”

‘I’m sure she is the real Jesus of therapy out of all the fake ones.’

“And I want you to do this exercise before you go to sleep.”

‘More homework. Joy.’

“Get comfortable, close your eyes and go back to the forest from your nightmare, and confront the one who’s chasing you. Find out who it is and what your dream wants to tell you. It might help.” She said, smiling as she handed me the prescription.

‘If I never had to wake up again, then sure. But you’re right, it will help kill me… in the dreamworld.’

“Yes, I will,” I muttered while I took it and got up immediately. “Thank you for your time.”

 “There’s nothing to be thankful for. I am here to help. My door is always open to you.”

‘Of course, it is. As long as we continue to pay. If not, why would you move your pen whether I am going to live in agony or die from desperation?’

My brother stood up the second he spotted me and walked close to me as we headed for the nearest pharmacy.

“What did she say?”

“The usual.” That was all I said before I went in and handed the prescription to the pharmacist.

She looked up, examined my face, and then started typing.

‘Type faster!’

 She went through a door and didn’t come back for a few minutes.

“Did she say you should do therapy?”

“Yup.” I started pacing and the man behind us glanced at me, perplexed.

‘Hurry!’

“Then why don’t you try it?”

 “I tried it. Five times. Remember?”

 “I am sorry to keep you waiting, but we’re out.”

 I clutched the paper with more force than I should’ve and walked out without saying a word.

 “Sorry to bother, but is there another pharmacy around here?” I asked the first person I saw the instant I was outside.

“Yes, there is one just ten minutes from here. Walk straight until you’ll see the cross sign on the left.”

“Thank you.”

 “Jungkook, did you ever consider trying again?”

 “No.”

We walked in silence for a while.

The wind felt like needles penetrating through my skin. The good part about going to that woman was that I got so angry every time I saw her that my fear of people mutated into a beautiful, blind rage. I used it to fuel my every step and I could start conversations with strangers like it was nothing.

‘Why is everyone so slow?’

“You don’t know if she isn’t different. If you don’t try multiple people…”

 “You know they’re all the same. And also, I don’t trust any goody two shoes with my stuff.”

 “Of course, you’ve killed ten people and dumped them in a lake only in the past month. What was I thinking?”

 “What?”

“You think you are the only one having these ...powerful feelings, but you are not! She probably had worst patients.”

“First, if I had killed ten people and confessed it to her, she’d legally have to hand me over to a cop. Secondly, I know I am not that special. I just don’t trust her or most people...”

“If you were to find at least one person who’s right and who’d fit with the type of person you are...”

“I don’t want to find anyone. Also, you know that I’ve already told them the story of my life before and they didn’t know how to help at all. I can drink water, exercise, and think positive thoughts all day long and still feel like this when I just want to feel…”

The pharmacy made my chest feel lighter, and it was as if I could inhale just a little bit slower than I did a second ago.

“Feel what? Jungkook?”

I ignored him, went in, handed the paper, and waited, again.

He grabbed my arm from behind and then talked loud and clear:

“Can you stop for a second and pay attention to me when I am talking to you?!”

“Can you please understand that even if I am walking and talking, I still feel like every bit of my body wants to rip itself apart?!” I screamed. But a full-blown scream wasn’t necessary to make him feel disrespected and rejected.

“That’ll be 12 dollars. This prescription is non-refillable.”

“I know.” I took the tiny bag as my brother paid.

He walked out and stood by the door without looking at me.

I asked for a glass of water and swallowed a pill the second I got it.

We walked back to the car in utter silence.

I knew he was probably mad and worried at the same time. And I felt guilty for reacting how I did. I knew that he only wanted to help. However, after we got in the car and at least five minutes have passed, I ceased to feel any guilt.

Soon, I forgot what had just happened.

I didn’t feel too hungry or nauseated anymore. No cold, no desperation, and no panic tugged at my soul. I was just an empty shell of a body in a car with my brother, who was driving me home.

If a car had hit us right now, I wouldn’t have flinched for a second.

‘Is this what it is like to be normal? Nah. It can’t be.’

I stared at my phone with no thought or emotion running through me for a few minutes before my brother asked:

“I have a charger. Do you want to plug it in?”

“No.”

It started raining.

The clouds have won.

By the time we were near our building, convinced that he was upset with me. Us not having to talk was the bonus that came with it, and I wanted it to stay that way, at least for a while.

We had no umbrella, so we just ran towards the entrance, but right after we went through the gate’s door, a mysterious force turned me around. I gasped.

He was embracing me.

Namjoon was embracing me in the rain.

Namjoon was embracing me in front of my apartment building.

Namjoon was embracing me in front of my brother.

Something inside me moved. There was an emotion that wanted to bubble up to the surface of my consciousness, except it couldn’t. It remained stuck, and I remained emotionless.

I didn’t embrace him back, nor did it even pass through my brain that I should.

He let me go and his face reflected on my irises after weeks.

“Sorry.” That was all he had whispered before he turned around and left.

I didn’t feel like moving as I stared at his back, getting smaller and smaller until it disappeared behind the gate.

I just stood there. Unable to feel relieved or surprised.

A voice in the back of my mind told me I should have felt something, but couldn’t.

I was inside the walls, and nothing got through them.

Inside the walls, it was cold as I was being rained on. 

Chapter Text

I stood there for a few minutes, the clouds continuing to cry on me when Jung grabbed me from behind and pulled me towards the building.

"What the hell?" That was all he could say as he stared at my expressionless face.

I didn't know whether to be happy or scared that my brother saw what he saw. Perhaps terrified because I was trying to find an emotion strong enough to pull from the windows of the walls that the chemicals of the pill had built around me.

But I couldn't grab onto anything.

I stood outside as I did inside of myself.

Like a statue.

"Jungkook!"

"Yeah?"

"Why did that guy embrace you?"

"I don't know," and that was the truth.

Even as logical as I was now, I couldn't see the reason why he'd suddenly return and do what he did.

"What do you mean, you don't know?!"

"Something bad must've happened."

"Honestly…" I started but looked away when I saw his worried yet judgmental expression. "Let's just eat. I'm starving."

I was floating on a metallic cloud and I didn't like it. What choice did I really have though?

When we got inside, I simply walked into my room and locked my door.

"Jungkook, aren't you eating?"

"I need to charge my phone first…"

"…Alright."

I was pacing around my room while my phone was charging. I waited for it to at least startup so I could see if he had called or messaged me.

It took a while so I just ended up watching the rain and the now empty spot where he had embraced me just a few minutes ago, with no thoughts running through my head.

The more I thought I should be feeling something…anything by now, the less I was feeling.

'Which is basically adrenaline without the anxiety.'

Somehow, I wanted the anxiety to be strong enough to smash the wall to pieces just so there would be anything but the void. No matter how much adrenaline my nervous system must be firing inside right now, the pill wouldn't let me feel it for what it is.

'This pill is like gaslight.'

And it keeps raining, the water keeps gathering inside the walls. If it kept going like this, I feared that I will start drowning.

As I looked around my normal-dry room I continued to feel as if an invisible wall was blocking everything I was looking at.

The phone beeped again and again.

"Check your pocket," was the only message he had sent me.

So, I did.

'When he was hugging me, he slipped some weed in my jacket…' I stared at the ball of aluminum foil as a crazy person would.

'I should feel relief, but…'

"Jungkook! I warmed up some chicken and potatoes!"

'But I can't smoke when I'm on the pill. I have to resist...I have to…'

"Why did you lock the door again?" I heard Jung trying to turn the doorknob.

I threw the aluminum ball in a box that I then locked with a key. I left the key in the pocket of my jacket as I threw it in the closet at light speed before opening the door.

"What are you hiding?" as I went outside the room his folded arms and raised brows prompted me in front of him. I closed the door behind me.

"You know I don't feel safe unless I lock the door after… the incident with that burglar."

"Yeah, but that's been so long ago and we have a security system now!"

"I know it makes no sense, but I just can't help it. Locking it makes me feel better."

'I'm also very thankful for that thief since now I can use him as an excuse to lock it. Even though I am still scared, with security and all.'

I sat down and started eating as if I was hungry. Well, I kind of was, but the taste did not register as anything. If it was a chicken or a rat, it would probably be the same for me.

"So, what's your relationship with that guy?"

When he asked that question, someone or something from the back of my mind screamed; 'Pretend you're angry! I know you don't feel it, but pretend you are. Or at least indifferent, anything!'

In reality, I just stood, unblinking, staring at the red sauce dripping from the piece of potato on my fork as if I was high. I wasn't. I was counting the drips as if they were seconds. Time was passing so fast and I wanted it to. I wanted it to go fast so the effect of the pill would pass.

'I can't sleep when I'm like this and I can't drink while he's here and he won't leave when I'm on the pill. Ever.' I sighed.

"Well?"

I was looking him straight in the eyes, "We're in the same class. We're friends."

He was leaning towards me, looking stiff, but as he heard this, his whole body seemed to release all tension.

"Oh, that's great then."

He smiled.

I smiled, a smile I couldn't feel.

'Are we friends, though? Are we together? What does that even mean?' The thoughts wouldn't stop.

It didn't rain; it poured. I was getting drowned inside the walls quickly.

"Dad called."

"Huh?"

"Dad. He called."

"Right, what did he say?"

"He asked about you."

I got up and tossed my plate in the sink.

"Call them once in a while. Please?"

"I will."

"You say that, but you never do."

"Thanks for heating the food."

I closed the door of my bedroom and locked it.

I went straight to my phone and the 'no new messages' stared back at me with mocking letters.

'I can talk to him tomorrow. Perhaps I should call him and ask what happened? Won't he assume I don't care otherwise?'

I started pacing, and then one eye twitched for no reason.

It made me anxious and thought the feeling was dull, I knew I got scared suddenly. I assumed it was fear since my heart skipped a beat.

'What if I say something weird since I can't feel shit? What if he thinks I'm weird? What if he asks me to come to his place?'

I wasn't running, but I wasn't calmly pacing, either.

'What if I can't fall asleep again? What do I do then? What if my brother doesn't leave to stay at his girlfriend for days? How will I smoke?!'

I started exercising in order to get as tired as possible and to distract myself from myself.

The thoughts wouldn't stop. I wasn't breaking any sweat and even though I kept forcing myself to achieve one pushup and walked nonstop for almost two hours in my room, I wasn't even yawning. So, I did any exercise I could think of with no breaks and I wasn't even gasping.

'Am I having a panic attack and I can't feel it? Am I losing my mind? I want to smoke so bad…but if I smoke now then he might smell it and the effect of the pill is not wearing off…'

I looked at the closed box as if it was Pandora's Box.

'Why?! Why isn't the effect of the pill fading?!'

I looked at the clock; it was 6 PM.

"Fucking! Fuck! Fuck this! Fuck!" I screamed into my pillow and was thankful that my brother couldn't possibly hear me yet something inside me wished he would.

"Are you still alive?" I texted Namjoon since I needed to stop thinking about at least one less thing.

'I need answers.'

"Yes. You?" He texted back.

"Of course." I texted and then waited. I watched a show while pacing, checking the phone every thirty minutes.

It was now 9 PM and he did not text again.

'What if he's upset? What if he's in trouble? Why is my heart beating so fast? Am I having a heart attack? I want to sleep. I want to escape this…'

"Jungkook?!"

"Yeah?!"

"I’m going to the store."

I stopped walking the very second his words translated themselves into my consciousness.

"Do you want anything?!" His voice echoed through my head as the veins in my forehead pulsated.

'No.'

"Some chocolate would be nice!"

"Anything else?!"

"No!"

"Ok!"

As soon as the conversation through the locked door ended, I ran to my closet and took the key from my jacket. I opened the locked box, took the aluminum ball and everything else I needed to make a joint, and put it in the pocket of my sweater. I covered the box with some clothes and ran to the door and waited.

The sound of the door shutting and then the key in the lock was like a melody to my ears.

I unlocked my door and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could.

Locked the bathroom door and started rolling. I got the tiny chair we kept in it, put it under the small bathroom window, and then opened the window wide. I got myself as close to it as possible and I would get my head through it if it would fit but alas, it did not. So, I just glued it to its entrance. I got the joint by my lips and then realized.

'I forgot the lighter. Fucking…'

I unlocked the bathroom door, ran to my bedroom, got it, ran back, and assumed the previous position.

By the time I inhaled the smoke, I felt that my heart was protesting even more than before. I held it in and released it outside. As cleanly and as straight as I could.

I did this several times until I felt like the time was finally slowing down.

'The shop isn't far and a lot of time must've passed by now.' I barely cared, but I knew sober me would care if he couldn't smoke anymore.

I did not know if it had been ten minutes or thirty, but I couldn't risk it so I ran back to my room, put everything back in the box, and locked it. I took the tiny key with me as I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and sprayed the hell out of the window and everything around it.

I knew that a lot of smoke couldn't have gotten in, but why would I risk it?

I turned on the shower and when I was completely undressed, I thought I heard the front door open.

I let out a sigh of relief.

'He didn't catch me.'

Wait.

'I feel relief. A bit… I might…'

Then my heart felt like it was breaking. That was the thought I had, but then I considered it was my lungs that suddenly hurt as my heart continued to run its own race.

I got into the bath while I was holding one hand over my chest. I went from a shower to a bath immediately and sat down in the now-gathering water.

My walls were high and so was the water now. I was drowning, though I wanted to pretend I wasn't. All that the weed was doing now was making it last longer and intensifying the void to a degree that the void itself was falling inside itself. I was grateful for that pain; I was grateful for any emotion, so I sat with it, literally and practically, as the water gathered in the bathtub.

I wanted to cry but the pill wouldn't let me.

I wanted to scream but fear wouldn't allow me.

I wanted help but no one knew how to help me.

Or at least none that I knew of.

All that I could do was lay there in my pain as time went slower than it should and the void felt deeper than it did before I smoked.

I didn't wash nor did I move.

I concentrated on breathing in and out.

'Cause listening to my thoughts would not help. Imagining anything would not help. Or running from the void would not work. Therefore, I was laying in the water from both realities and within me.

The walls weren't cracking yet, but I was.

'It will be better tomorrow. Tomorrow the effect of the pill will dissipate. After I sleep and get high again, I will feel better. It'll be better. I will. I have to be…'

I repeated this to myself like a mantra until the water got cold.

My mouth and face were that of a crying human, but no tears could leave my eyes, and the numbness that no emotion could penetrate replaced the emotion that should have gathered in my chest. I knew that some part of me was crying somewhere. I just couldn't feel its feelings. And that made me want to kill myself.

'If humans can't feel. Then what is the point in being human? Our bodies are made for feeling. They're not just for eating, sleeping, and reproducing. We should feel… shouldn't we? Fucking pill makers. You are the sick ones.'

I thought this to myself as I got a towel. I didn't feel better, but not worse either, so that was a plus in my book. Not running from my emotions was the best I could do, so I didn’t fall into despair. No. It was the best thing a human can do in this situation. Running makes it unbearable. I was trying to feel the non-feeling which was a new one for me. It helped me function even if it didn't 'cure' me. It at least subsided the hate I had for myself exponentially.

I tried to smell around for any weed, but all I could sense was the air freshener. I remained still in the bathroom for a while to hopefully make even that smell disappear with the help of the tiny window. So that my brother wouldn't come in and smell the hibiscus flower that was now overpowering the air itself.

I got out and since he wasn't in the kitchen, I just went to my room. I crawled into bed and covered myself with the blanket, and waited.

Waited for my body to tire itself by fighting the weed or the pill. It had to get tired at some point, but it didn't.

I had to dress up and keep walking in place while the weed made everything last forever. Every second of the show I was trying to pay attention to lasted an eternity. Every step I took made my legs feel like lead. My heart… my heart wanted to give up as much as I did.

But I kept walking in place. I kept waiting for my body to get tired enough or for the pill's walls to crack. So, a little water could escape. My soul jumped out of my body and then it went back in with minor disturbances to my awareness.

And when the water that is my feelings finally flooded my prison, at four in the morning, I was as happy as I was sad. But I was feeling something. I wasn't even sure what it was, but I let it penetrate every pore and I embraced it like a parent would embrace a child coming home from war. I welcomed it. Even if the positive emotion lasted one second and the rest was hell. It was better than nothing.

I was still, more or less, human.

I crawled into my bed with aching legs and closed my eyes. A small, purposeless smile graced my lips.

As sleep finally embraced me, I knew I had like two, three hours at most until my alarm would go off or my brother would knock at my door.

But for a bit, I was happy that I could be unconscious even if it was for a little while. This was as close to peace as I could get in this lifetime. I was just as miserable because the anxiety would come back tomorrow. No matter how much weed I'd smoke, the emotion would subside to where I could pretend nothing was wrong.

The pill itself, however, was a surefire way to make myself feel worse the second the effect went away and despair would keep me dry while the effect was still active.

'I hate pills. I need to avoid them… I need to…' was all I thought right before I fell asleep.

Strangely enough, I dreamt I was running in the rain. It was too dark to see, yet I knew I was looking for my mom and she was somewhere up ahead. However, no matter how much I ran, I couldn't find her. The thoughts from inside my dream kept telling me that I would find her pretty soon, that I should keep going, but no matter how much I ran or how tired I got, she wasn't anywhere.

I woke up to the sound of Jung knocking and my alarm ringing.

"I'm up!"

"Hurry! It's already seven-thirty!"

I raised my head from the pillow in a trance. I stood there for a few minutes, even though the alarm was pissing me off.

The dream's presence and the disappointment I felt remained like the smell of a perfume that would stick to your skin even though you sprayed it on your clothes the night before.

I wanted to tell my dream self that I should just stop running and give up, now that I was awake. After all, my mother never wanted kids. She wasn't in that cold pouring rain, she was with dad by a fireplace, drinking wine and pretending she had no children.

"Jungkook! Wake up!"

"I'm up!"

"Then turn off the alarm!"

So I did.

I took a long time eating and in the shower, just so he'd leave first so I could smoke.

It worked.

But to my surprise, I couldn't smoke a lot.

I was too scared of feeling too much now.

The aftereffect of the pill remained like a bullet does after you've been shot.

My hands and legs kept shaking without my consent even after, and everything was blurry and slow. So was I.

The scenery in front of me was a hazy picture that moved like a willow in a soft breeze. I tried to focus but I couldn't. My emotions jumped around like children in puddles. I got anxious one second, and could not feel anything in the next.

'He's here.'

Was the only normal thought I had as I sat down in my chair and felt like the entire class was spinning alongside me.

'I got too high.'

Suddenly, I was aware that I could not speak or do anything but sit and suffer in silence for the next six hours.

I wasn't doing anything that would invite anyone in my direction but the fear got me to lay my head down on the small desk.

I wanted to talk to Namjoon, but I had no courage or energy left.

Truth be told, it surprised me that I made it to school. I wanted to reward myself with something sweet but the nasea disagreed.

"Good morning."

The entire class got up as the teacher got in. I, however, tried to send the signals to my legs. I looked down as nothing moved. There was an impulse, but it was so small that I gave up halfway.

"Jeon Jungkook."

'Crap.'

"Would you please stand up as well? It is not about the action as much as it is about respect."

"I apologize," I mumbled and moved with the speed of a sick slug.

My face must've looked horrible because all anger seemed to be gone the moment his eyes made contact with mine.

We all sat down in unison.

'Like educated robots.'

I resumed my position as the class continued existing all around me.

Words continued to come from all directions. I wished there was a button I could press and everyone would go mute for a long, long while.

I did not take one note. I didn't register one word. I was waiting for the wind to stop blowing through my cracked walls and for my body to stop shivering.

When the classes were over, I waited for everyone to leave.

My world was quiet again. Well, at least on the outside.

I got up on unsure legs and then heard something from behind.

"Hi."

Namjoon was still here.

"Hi."

We walked for a bit without uttering another word.

"You don't look so good."

The person who had disappeared for weeks said to me.

"I mean, I had some bad days, but I will get better."

I was telling the truth and a hopeful lie at the same time.

"Sorry for not calling. I couldn't."

"No problem. I'm glad that you're also alive and thanks for, uh, yesterday."

"My pleasure." He said, smiling.

We reached the exit and although I shouldn't, I was actually considering not doing it again today, but I still heard myself asking, "Do you want to go to the roof for a bit?"

"You want to smoke?"

"Yeah."

'Not really… I'm not even sure what I want anymore.'

The rooftop was covered by the shadow of a cloud, and the sun was nowhere in sight.

I got my stuff and watched him lean against the wall, looking anywhere but at me.

'Why are you so distant suddenly? You asked me out! I'm losing my mind! And you…'

"It fell."

"What fell?"

"Some of your…"

"Ahh…I didn't notice."

"You sure you're going to be fine?" He smirked. Something inside me got smaller.

"What about you? I know it's not any my business, but what happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me. I'm just curious…"

"That's understandable."

'Really?'

"Well, I will tell you."

"Great."

I waited.

"Another time."

"Why?" I asked, biting my lip as I tried to control my hands from shaking as I lit the most deformed-looking joint.

"You're already not feeling well, and I don't have any good news."

"Trust me. There's nothing that can make me feel worse."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. So, whatever it is. As long as you're fine, I mean…"

"I don't know if I am."

'You look so sad.' was what I wanted to say, but as my vision got clearer suddenly, even though I was holding the smoke in for a bit, just for a tiny bit, I could see him perfectly.

"You lost weight." I thought out loud.

He looked at me with the same depressed smirk.

"You're pale."

"This is not a competition." I frowned as I dabbed the barely smoked blunt on the ground.

"I think we should go."

He turned around so quickly, I felt the need to stop him. I considered the scenario in which he'd push my hand away and decide that I couldn't do a thing about it.

"Tell me. I can help." I tried. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked back at me with no trace of the fake smirk left.

"You can't."

"I can try."

"You can't do anything."

"Why are you so sure?!"

I got mad even though I knew I shouldn't.

"Because I am."

"Oh, you are the only one capable of doing anything. I am sorry."

"That's not what I meant."

"No, you're right. I am useless. Aren't I?"

I packed the joint, got my backpack, and almost walked past him when I heard him say;

"In this case, you are."

I looked at him as offended as I could.

He went on, quiter: "And so am I."

I dropped my backpack and shook him as I felt my heartbeat its drums to a rock song.

"Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself and tell me! I am not patient today, okay? I'm trying to help and you're…"

He didn't resist. Actually… his hands didn't even leave the pockets of his jacket at all. He wasn't even looking at me.

"What the hell?" I mumbled in sadness when I felt my knees go weak. "Then let's go to the bathroom and get it over with."

"I'm not in the mood."

I heard him sigh as I let go of his jacket, only to reach for my backpack.

"You refused, I offered. You win. Your life is none of my business. Do what the hell you wa…"

"She died."

"Who?" I turned around so fast to see the same face that didn't change position or expression.

"My grandma."

The wind continued to blow, the surrounding walls broke and the glass that shattered got stuck in my skin.

Blood started flowing, and the cuts stung.

'Ah, sweet, familiar misery. I am home.'

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

Chapter Text

"Why did she die?"

"She was already ill…and she was old. I guess it was time."

"Don't say that."

I took his hands out of the jacket and held them in an attempt to comfort him.

I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore, however.

'I should've figured something was up. I should've acted nicer. Shit… I am horrible.'

"I am sorry," I whispered.

"Again, it's not your fault."

"I know, but I should've been there to help. I should've… been with you at the funeral or something."

"I know you would’ve come if I invited you but who wants to go to a funeral?"

"I do!"

"Stop lying." He tried to pull his hands away, but I didn't let him.

"If someone whom I loved had died, wouldn't you have wanted to go to the funeral with me?"

He sighed and admitted, "I would."

"Are you sure you wouldn't have lied and only said it to make me feel better?"

"No. I guess I didn't think about it like that…"

"Think about it like that. If you would want to do it for me then I would want to do it for you."

"I don't think that applies to everything."

"It does."

"No, trust me, it doesn't." He looked amused as if he was referring to something specific, but I was afraid to ask and my mind froze up when he embraced me immediately after.

It was as if a blanket covered me.

"What wouldn't it apply to?" I tried to make myself heard but the sound of my voice was small and muffled by his arms and clothes.

"Shh."

We stood like that for a long, long time.

He walked me home and though I was scared that my brother might be upstairs near a window or worse, on his way home, but I still hugged him right before I went in.

I told myself it was the nice thing to do considering the situation he was in. But at the same time, I thought I was stupid for entertaining the idea that we were actually together.

I texted him a few times to see if he was alright and I knew he was pretending, but he kept reassuring me of his well-being.

Three days later, I found myself all alone eating a cold store-bought, pre-made meal from the market when he texted me again;

"What are you doing?"

"Eating."

"What?"

I sent him a picture.

"That looks sad."

"Thanks."

"Come here."

He sent me a picture of a homemade veal stew that was still on the stove and mashed potatoes that looked as soft as clouds.

I pushed the plastic tray and fork away from me as if it had just insulted me.

"Do you like tomatoes?"

"Yes."

"Cucumbers."

"Yes, why?"

"I'm making a salad as well."

"I'm coming over."

I got up and changed my clothes in a heartbeat and stopped in the doorway when my phone beeped again.

"I know. I just told you to come over."

I frowned at his demanding self that seemed to have been born right after his grandmother died.

He no longer asked for a pencil. He demanded it. He no longer asked people to move, but he told them to get out of his way and since they were all scaredy-cats, he had them all obeying without questions asked.

'Nah. He was acting tough before too but now, considering he's always in a foul mood, I guess it's overflowing…'

I dropped my phone in the almost empty backpack when I realized why I hadn't left.

'The box.' I got it and locked the empty apartment that my parents paid for both me and my brother to live in. the one that we both left every chance we had.

It was cold outside, so I walked quickly and kept looking back since I felt like someone or something was watching me.

'It must be the weed. I am getting paranoid again,' is what I told myself before I started springing.

I knocked on his door loudly with the delicious smell as my intrinsic motivation.

"Come… in."

I hurried past him, threw my jacket and backpack to the floor, and walked straight to the stove with big steps.

I lifted the lid and stuck my head in.

'Instant serotonin.'

"It's not ready yet."

He picked me up by the arms and dropped me a few steps to the right. He started stirring while I kept trying to get as close to the smell as possible.

"You're hungry, huh? Doesn’t your brother feed you at all?"

"He went back to his girlfriend."

"Already? That was fast."

"It's fine. I'm used to it."

"Go sit down."

"Aw, why? I want to sit here and enjoy the wonderful…"

"It needs to simmer for one hour and a half in total, it's only been one hour…"

"Aw… why?"

"Sit down."

I noticed the expressionless, mildly annoyed face and decided that I shouldn't push my luck.

I passed by the rolling futon in the middle of the hallway that I hadn't noticed before.

'Should I ask?'

Then I realized he was sleeping in front of his grandmothers' room. As if it was cursed. Though in a way, I guess it was.

"My…"

'Coat.' was what I was about to say when I saw it on the hanger and then I looked to my left and saw my backpack by the table.

"What?"

"Nothing."

I sat on the floor on the left side and got my box wide open on the empty wooden table.

Namjoon came with a bowl of salad and placed it in the middle.

"If you're going to smoke, open the door."

I slid it open while I was still sitting down and returned to rolling. Pretty soon I was smoking while the sound of the stew cooking and him cutting something made me smile.

'It's almost…cozy.'

After the outside was blurry enough that I could barely see, I got up and went by his side.

"Do you need any help?"

"Not really."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Get the plates and utensils."

"From where?"

"First drawer to my right."

I opened it, and a page was on top of it.

"What's this?"

'It looks like it's hospital-related.'

I didn't get to read a word since he snatched it as soon as my eyes focused.

He walked to the room where he and his grandma used to sleep, opened the door, threw the paper in, and then closed it again without a word.

'Well, that was unexpected.'

He walked right back and continued to chop some green onions.

'Should I ask now?'

The dark expression he had made me decide against it.

I simply laid the table, and then he handed me the bowl of mashed potatoes without another word.

"Tell me if it needs salt."

He got some on a spoon and fed it to me while I was still holding the bowl. It was so fast that he almost hit my teeth since I barely had time to open my mouth.

"No. It's good. Real good. You should be a cook."

"No, thanks."

"Why not?"

"I told you I'm not good, I just know how to cook some dishes well."

"Oh. It's great though."

"Thanks. But you can’t have more until it's cooked through."

"So mean…"

When I returned empty-handed, he was pouring some red wine into a cup.

"Namjoon…?"

"Yeah?"

"I am already high."

"It's not for you."

"Oh, okay, but…"

I watched him have a shot with a full cup of red wine.

"Get me a big bowl…"

"Where…"

"Above your head."

"Namjoon…?"

He started pouring himself a second cup.

I was staring at the empty bowl in my hands when his hand touched mine before he took it from me.

I looked up and stared, but he wasn't paying attention.

"What?"

He was stirring the food in the pot and tasting the meat.

"You look sad," I muttered under my breath.

He started transferring the stew from the pot to the bowl.

"I mean, you should be, but I don't enjoy seeing you this way…"

"I'm sorry if I'm ruining your mood."

"That's not what I meant."

He simply walked away with the steaming food and the cup of wine. I followed him with my head down and my stomach rumbling.

'Didn’t you say it needs to simmer thirty more minutes?’

He sat on the right side of the table and started putting food on plates. I remained standing while crumbling my shirt.

"Sit."

"What I meant was that…"

He looked up and our eyes finally met after days. The exhaustion, sadness, and coldness emanated from him was breathtaking. I felt like I wanted to cry for him.

"I know what you meant. It's just…"

He sighed and opened the sliding door completely as if he had no air.

"I'm here. If I can help. If you want to talk about anything. Or if you simply want to distract yourself and you don't want to do it alone. Or anything…"

"You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do."

"Trust me. You mean most things. Anyway, sit down. How's the meat?"

I tasted it and I felt like I hadn't tasted a stew so good in forever.

"Wow. How is it so tender? How?"

"I wouldn't know. I suck at cooking, but I can do this."

"How come?"

"My grandma taught me to step by step. Good thing I wrote it down or else I wouldn't have remembered it."

"Oh…"

The smile from my lips faded.

I didn't dare look at him but I saw the empty cup from where I was.

"Have some salad too."

"I think I will have some wine as well."

I got up but he grabbed my blouse and pulled me back down.

"No. You won't. You're already high."

We continued to eat in the night's silence and the song of the crickets.

When we finished, he casually asked;

"Do you want to watch some TV?"

"Sure."

Got up and walked into his grandmothers' bedroom like it was nothing.

'He's drunk,' was my silent thought before I ran after him.

The room was dusty at best. He was unplugging the TV that was in front of a big, still unmade futon.

"Let me help…"

I barely set foot inside when I heard him demanding:

"Don't come in."

I took my step back and remained barefoot on his smaller futon in the hallway.

I watched him carry the TV all by himself to the table and then watched him closing the door of the bedroom right after.

We watched an action movie that was already on and I fell asleep with my head on the table and woke up on his futon and in his arms.

'Is he… Am I… being spooned?'

I tried moving, but it was simply impossible.

The smell of alcohol hit my face every time he exhaled.

'What time is it?'

I looked at the window of the kitchen, only to see that the sun was barely rising.

'Wait. We have school!'

I tore myself away from his arms and ran to my phone.

'Out of battery. I have my charger, but I forgot to plug it in…'

I checked his phone instead, and there were more than a few missed calls and messages:

'Answer me? There's some trouble? Call me as soon as you see this, huh? It's from a guy named Fred? We don't have any classmate named Fred, right?'

I read it twice just to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Then the clock hit me like a slap.

'It's 7 AM!

I left the phone exactly where it was and resisted the urge to pry any further and instead fled to Namjoon's side and tapped his shoulder repeatedly.

"Namjoon! It's 7! We have to leave in thirty minutes! You need to shower! You reek and…"

He grabbed my arm, pulled me towards him, and continued to spoon me as if I haven't said a word.

"It's 7! Did you hear me! It's…"

"I'm not going."

"Why?"

"I don't want to."

I breathed in and out and yet before I found a good enough reason to argue, I saw the empty bottle on the counter and bit my lip.

"Ok."

"You can go if you want."

"No. I don't want to go either."

"You should go."

"It's just one day."

"Mm…"

I closed my eyes and fell asleep in the same position in which I woke up.

We spent the rest of the day eating garbage, playing chess, and doing homework. He wasn't exactly cheery, and I didn't manage to gain even the smallest smile. Then he started drinking as soon as the sun went down.

"How many more bottles do you have?"

"Eight."

"Hmm…"

We did the same thing the following day and only went to school on Friday since it was also a club day and my turn to pick the movie.

I didn't say a thing about his drinking since I was in no position to judge him. I've been smoking daily for years, but the fact that he could drink and yet remain seemingly normal was astonishing to me.

What surprised me, even more, was that besides touching me once in a while by mistake and cuddling with me when we were sleeping, he didn't try to do anything else.

I kind of liked it. In other ways, his breath tickling my ears and his groin touching my backside when we slept didn't help me banish dirty thoughts from my mind completely.

No one asked why we missed the same days and returned at the same time. After all, no one went near him or I.

When we were on our way to the club, he suddenly told me that he couldn't come.

"Why not?"

"I have some things to take care of."

'Is it about Fred?' That is what I wanted to ask but didn't.

"See you."

"See… you." I watched him leaving without giving me a second glance.

I went to the roof instead of the club room and smoked more than my limit. I didn't realize it until I was coughing and my eyes were full of tears. I must've looked like I'd been crying since Sony sent me concerned glances from the moment I walked in while Bora straight out asked me about it.

"I ate something and it got stuck in my throat. I coughed so hard, that’s why my eyes got all red and…" I looked at her face but she didn't seem to buy it. "I mean it. It's because I was coughing too hard."

"If you say so."

"Where's Namjoon?" Yeong Cheol inquired.

"He had some stuff he needed to do."

"He said he'll help me study but he's always too busy to come and when he does, he's either worried about something or he's tired…"  Kwan sighed and something inside of me wanted to say; 'I will help you,' but then again, the room looked as if there was a fire in the corner and the smoke was burning only my eyes.

'I shouldn't have smoked so much…'

I watched them playing cards, and they seemed to move so fast. Meanwhile, I was behind an invisible wall and in my timeline, everything moved painfully slow.

"Do you want to play?"

"Sure."

'Why the hell did I say that?!'

I received some cards and although I knew the game, my high brain wasn't able to decide about anything. I couldn’t remember the rules or make sense of it. So, when it was my turn, I just stood there frozen while everyone else was looking at me.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

I looked at the cards with all the attention I could muster, but they got blurrier by the second and the numbers and letters started blending into one another.

I looked up at their confused eyes, though I wished I never did.

'I am not stupid. I am just high.' I wanted to scream this sentence, but that would give birth to other questions, so I simply placed the cards down. Feeling cold sweat gathering on my forehead from the intense concentration and stress I just caused myself by simply saying 'yes' to playing a simple game.

"How about we watch the movie instead?" I got up with both cheeks burning.

"Sure, if that's what you…" Bora started with an overly cheerful voice. Probably trying to make me feel better.

I was looking inside my backpack, and I resisted the urge to cry from the sheer embarrassment and panic that they might've realized something was seriously wrong.

'And my eyes are red. Where are my goddamn eye drops?'

"Jungkook?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want some Cola?"

'Yeah, that's exactly what I need. Caffeine!'

"How about some tea? You had that bottled peach tea once and said you loved it. I got it for you."

"Oh, yea. Sure. Thanks."

She was at my left, so I didn't look behind me until I got the CD out of the bag to meet three pairs of eyes that were already locked on me.

Sony got up, took it, and put in the DVD player while the rest looked away the second I caught them.

We all sat in front of the screen, eating junk food as if we didn't have a rule against it. Commenting on the movie as if nothing had happened. I, however, couldn't see a thing and I felt like my chest was slowly getting ripped in two.

"That guy is the worst. I mean, why won't he just stay put?" Sony commented.

"Because he's too cool to do that," Bora argued for the antagonist.

"He's not cool. He's hurt because of his past…" Kwan went into psychoanalyzing him while she snacked on popcorn.

"It doesn't matter. He should do something else rather than hurt the closest people to him! He's using his trauma to traumatize other people and we should feel sorry for him?" Yeong Cheol angrily explained his view.

'It's the fault of both the bad guy and the ones who got traumatized by him. By staying, aren't they just enabling it? Well, they're also too scared to leave though…'

I thought, yet said nothing.

'They don't understand. Namjoon does… Namjoon knows…'I thought when I could barely lift my hand to look at my phone. 'Or I feel like he would...'

"Where are you?" I texted.

And when the movie was over two hours later, he still hadn't replied.

So, I answered myself instead: 'Why do you care?’

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

Chapter Text

‘What now? What do I do now?’

Namjoon kept trying to undress me, kissing my neck roughly.

I tried to keep his hands still, but all I ended up doing was covering his hands with my own as I moaned without meaning to, when he suddenly bit me hard.

“Namjoon, we’re drunk… we shouldn’t…”

“Then why did you come?”

“Huh? I…” He almost ripped my jacket as he threw it by the low table in his living room as the ajar backdoor let the night’s cold air in.

He started lifting my T-shirt.

“You said that… you… ah… you were sad…” I didn’t want to mention his grandma, so I bit my lip.

“Yes, I was. And I am.”

I could see the empty bottles by the kitchen sink from my spot on the floor. The no-walls kitchen made it easier to see what I hadn't noticed when I came in.

'He’s not only drunk. He’s out of his mind…’

“Then this is not the way to…”

He ripped it as I tried to stop him from taking it off. He threw it somewhere while he lifted me by the hips and pushed me against the wall. He continued to hold me up as if it was nothing.

‘How is he able to stand and hold me at the same time in his state?!’

“Jungkook?”

“Yes.”

He glued his forehead to mine and closed his eyes.

“You want me.”

‘That wasn’t a question.’

“You’re drunk.” I sighed as I tried to get him to snap out of it.

“You’re high.”

“That’s not the point!”

“You’re hard.” He thrust forward and rubbed into me to make me aware that he could feel it through his clothes.

‘Of course, I am, you’ve touched my leg and kissed my neck for at least one hour now. And I am only human.’ I wanted to argue, but as I was thinking about it, I was sure it wouldn’t have helped my case.

“You said… we’ll take it slow…” I mumbled between quick breaths.

He opened his eyes as if I had just slapped him.

He let go of my legs and let me fall to the ground. I landed on one shaky leg.

He picked up a beer bottle and was about to drink it when he heard me saying:

"No.” I thought out loud before I took the bottle out of his hand and literally ran with it to the sink. Poured the content into it before filling a glass with water.

When I turned around, his eyes looked at me with too much clarity for a drunk person. And also, unmistakable anger.

“I'm sorry, but you’re going to feel sick tomorrow and you can’t possibly get more dr…”

He grabbed my wrist which was holding the glass with strength and squeezed. I dropped the glass and the sound of it breaking seemed to echo all around us.

“It hurts...”

He continued until I kneeled on the floor in front of him. He then pushed me down and positioned himself on top of me, as he did that morning.

I was cold, tired, and scared.

‘He doesn’t look drunk, but he should be drunk!’ I thought, as his eyes bore into me with intensity.

“Wait,” I said as his other hand grabbed my neck as he did on the rooftop.

This time, though, he didn’t stop squeezing.

The air got thinner and my vision got blurrier.

“I caann’t breatthe… pleaahse…”

I tried to call out his name yet, nothing came out.

Suddenly, my eyes snapped open, and the ceiling looked unfamiliar for a second.

I looked around like a stranger in my own room while I touched my neck as if his hand was still there.

‘A dream. Just a dream.’

“Jungkook?!” my brother screamed from outside the bedroom door.

“I am up!”

“Alright!”

And I was. 

Wide awake.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about the meaning of the dream and the pain in my chest.

After all, the man has told me his grandmother died and then got into a fight not long after.

The entire town heard about it since he choked the guy until he nearly died. He was also a student at our school and many other students came forth, confessing that they saw him covered in blood, with his leg broken while Namjoon continued to kick him in the stomach right in front of the school. It was in broad daylight as well. The marks anyone could see on his neck were enough proof, but his black eye and purple bruises on his face looked worse. I heard he had a broken rib as well, but I didn’t want to catch a glimpse of him, not to mention ask.

Namjoon however, looked like he wasn’t the guy that fought him. No scars, no bruises, and no broken bones. He looked perfectly normal and physically he was.

They didn’t expel him since everyone knew his grandmother had just died and they figured it must have been ten times worse for him since she was his only remaining family member. Despite the gravity of his actions, witnesses, and obvious proof, everyone has been weirdly understanding. He was only forced to sign a paper to attend counseling at least once and was warned against future unacceptable behavior as if he was a little child that didn’t know what he's done.

I heard everyone talking about it everywhere, but nothing from Namjoon himself. Meanwhile, everyone avoided him more than usual and no one dared to even mention it around him. Everything returned to normal for him the very next day. As if nothing had happened.

The other guy, however, was admitted to a hospital and even so, supposedly, he refused to leave his house unless it was for school. He also seemed to have prevented his parents from pressing charges or making a bigger fuss with the teachers. Instead, he wanted nothing to do with Namjoon.

We all knew why he wouldn’t even leave the classroom alone from then onward.

Some saw it in person, some heard about it and saw the aftermath.

But no one knew the reason why it happened in the first place.

Actually, no one could even imagine what the circumstances were. Why did they fight or met each other? Apparently. no one ever saw them talking or as much as stand near one another.

No one had any hint, but I had what no one did.

Access to Namjoon.

“He refused to pay for his fix?”

“Stop guessing.”

“He threatened to tell everyone that you are, you know, a ‘card’ dealer?” I quietly whispered in his ear as Namjoon was reading the back of a cereal box in the store we always shopped at.

“No.”

I crossed my hands and stepped back.

“Will you ever tell me?”

“Why? You want to fuel the rumors some more?”

I let my mouth hang open, but he didn’t bother to look at my outraged face, so I continued talking while he walked towards the dairy section.

“You know I would never do that. You know I am only asking because I am worried about you.”

“Why? I didn’t get hurt.”

‘Yes. That’s exactly why. How didn’t you get hurt? At all?’

“Maybe you did, but it’s under that huge T-shirt of yours.”

“You want me to get naked for you?” He smirked as the old lady next to us stared at him with wide eyes.

Namjoon simply got a bottle of milk and walked away.

I awkwardly smiled at her and then followed suit.

‘Maybe I should drill him later about it…’

 “I’m craving ice cream.” I changed the subject, and he didn’t comment on it.

“Again? You’ve been eating that for two days in a row.”

“Yeah, well, I get obsessed with eating something until I get sick of it.”

“That’s funny since all you get hung up on is sugar. Just in different forms.”

I pouted as I picked up a big chocolate ice cream box and embraced it immediately.

His sigh was enough for me to smile.

“Fine. I will buy it for you.” I got close to the shopping cart and right before I could drop it in, he continued, "But!” The box dangled from my hand, but I refused to let it go, even if it was feeling my fingers hurting from the coldness. “You owe me.” My hand remained suspended in the air as I raised one eyebrow.

He snatched the ice cream and carefully placed it next to the eggs before he passed me by.

“Wait, a second.” I started as he was placing the items on the checkout band behind a few other customers. “I owe you what?”

“Not now.” He paid me no mind as he pulled out his wallet.

“I need to know.” I was touching the ice cream with obvious concern written all over my face.

“Why are you panicking? It’s not like you won’t be eating from the rest of the stuff I’ve got.”

“Yeah, but those are the things you would’ve bought, regardless.”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t owe you for the cereal I ate yesterday, right?”

“Not for the whole box. Just for that last flake.” The band automatically moved and my hand hung in the air for the second time in the past five minutes.

“Namjoon!”

“Yeah?” It all sounded like a joke. If only he didn't look so emotionless.

In fact, since his grandmother had died from a disease that he didn’t want to talk about, he hasn’t smiled or laughed much. I stuck to him like a leech since I knew he wasn’t feeling well, even if he wouldn’t admit it. He did make some dirty jokes here and there, mostly, when he got drunk.

He didn’t touch me at all, though. I was pleased with that. It almost felt like we were just two normal guys hanging out.

But at the same time, I braced myself when he would accidentally touch my hand or shoulder only to distance himself in the next second as if I was contagious.

I was confused myself. The dreams in which he pinned me down to have his way with me were bothering me. I’d usually woke up after he’d get above, kiss me, and then when he’d reach my belly button, my vision would go white and all feelings and sounds would cease to exist.

However, the ones in which he’d be hurting me in any way continued until I passed out or straight up, died.

“What do I owe you?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

“No. Tell me now.”

He was counting some bills, although I was jumping from his left to his right like a child, hoping to capture his attention.

“Is it money?”

I thought he was laughing for a second, but he was just deliberately mimicking a laugh, ironically.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

The new stash of weed from inside my backpack felt heavy suddenly.

Then it hit me.

‘I haven’t given him a blow job for the past three months.’

“Wait,” I said mostly to myself as the cashier woman suddenly stopped with her hand above the eggs and looked at me, puzzled.

“Ignore him.” Namjoon casually told her. I scorned.   

We left the store in utter silence. Meanwhile, I tried convincing him into letting me carry at least one bag.

He didn’t.

Thoughts bombarded me one after the other so I stopped walking, fixated my eyes on the concrete pavement, and said it like I was pulling out a band-aid;

“Did you mean dirt… dirty stuff?”

He was several steps ahead when he also stopped dead in his tracks.

Looked back and had what was almost a smile.

“Yes.” Then he kept on walking without looking back.

My heart dropped.

I marched behind him for the rest of the way to his house.

Officially, his grandmother’s room, that was the only bedroom in the house, was off-limits. I’ve never been inside it though. I’ve seen how it looked like from the times he left the door open to get clothes from the closet. And all I could remember was how empty it was. The window was the first thing I noticed, the thin mattress on the floor covered with cream blankets. The dust covered Tv that was on the right side of the room was the second thing that gave me shivers. The closet must have been on the left side of the door since I couldn’t see from the doorway.

He’s been sleeping on a rolling futon in the middle of the hallway, which was right in front of the bedroom. So basically in front of the main entrance, to the right of the open kitchen. At the near right, low side of the bathroom door, and somewhat far from the low table with no chairs that was two steps away from the back door. There was only one chair in the entire house, and it was in the bedroom with some books on top and under it.

I used the same futon multiple times when I've slept over. Whenever he used the floor as his bed and the table as a pillow.

I didn’t have to ask why he didn’t want to go inside her room. Still, I wondered when he would get over it since he had no other room to sleep in and it got real cold in the morning.

It surprised me that neither of us caught a cold so far.

I was arranging all the groceries inside the fridge when he got his book out of the backpack and sat down in the same spot by the door, on the floor, on the right side of the table looking out.

He started reading while I offered to heat up the food this time.

I carefully threw it all in a pot, turned the stove on medium heat, and cracked some eggs in a bowl.

I was whistling, whisking the eggs with some cream when his enormous hands hugged my middle from behind. His fingers linking on my stomach.

I resisted the urge to scream since I didn’t even hear or sense him coming near me.

“Stop moving.” Was his quick command before I had the chance to speak.

His right hand went from my stomach to the crook of my neck.

‘Like a snake.’

He simply stood like that, as he seemed to smell the top of my head.

“Um… what are you doing?” I asked, incredibly flustered.

“You used my shampoo.”

“I’m sorry?” I guessed that should have been my reaction, although his voice held no accusatory inflections.

I couldn’t tell when he was angry, happy, or upset anymore. They all sounded the same.

‘I can’t move.’ I froze from the neck down, causing the fork I've been using to beat the eggs, to drop from my right hand. 

“Turn off the stove.” That was his second command.

I used my right to turn it off, moving nothing else besides my hand.

When I felt him moving again, I closed my eyes.

“You’re trembling.”

He said, squeezing the front of my neck while biting the nape lightly. I could feel his breath as he smiled at my natural reaction. “Why?” He inquired as to if it was a total mystery to him.

It was for me as well.

‘I am unsure if I'm only letting you do stuff to me because you want to do them or if I want you to do stuff to me at all…’ That is what I wanted to say, however, it would all get answered the moment I would get hard sooner or later. Unless I wasn’t already, and I simply didn’t realize it.

My lower body reacted as my mind melted inside my skull. My whole nervous system went into fight-or-flight mode.

And I did not know why my whole being rapidly registered him as a predator.

‘Maybe since he’s a bit… dominant…’

“I don’t know…” I muttered under my breath.

“Huh…” He licked the same spot as before and then used the hand that was holding the front of my neck to push my hair and head forwards. Now, I was facing down, with my eyes opened wide in surprise right above the bowl.

He slid the other hand under my shirt, up to my breast as his tongue licked and his teeth bit the back of my neck, relentlessly.

He was taller than me so his hands traveled everywhere with ease, he even had to lower himself just to reach some parts.

Nevertheless, he twisted and pinched my right nipple until it got hard.

And I could feel my face getting redder by the second.

I rested my whole weight on my hands that were still on the counter as my knees felt like mush.

His other hand slipped under my pants and teased me gently.

‘Don’t do that…’ was what I wanted to say. Still, he pinched my skin between his teeth so hard that at the same moment he touched my already half-hard member that I could feel blood dripping onto the tiled floor.

I moaned from the acute pain, more so than the pleasure.

My shaking got worse when he stroked me from inside the pants.

He glued his front to my backside and grabbed my ear between his teeth, and pulled me back using it.

I was standing straight once again. Without even thinking about it.

I was astounded because he had used his teeth to move me.

His right hand pulled the front of my pants down so my member was now free for the entire world to see. Hidden only by his hand.

“Namjoon…” I spoke with embarrassment.

“Yes?” He answered with no change in his voice.

‘You said that we’d take it slow.’

The nightmare I kept having flashed in my mind’s eye and I could feel my neck getting drier.

“What?” I was chewing on my bottom lip while he released my now painfully hard cock and tugged on my balls to where it hurt too much to keep quiet.

My hand flew to his hand in order to stop it from pure instinct, yet he simply grabbed that one and then the other just to hold them behind my upper back.

‘So, I can't stop you? Can I?’ I thought as my whole body trembled, half in anticipation, half in reaction to what he's already done.

I remained hard without being able to comprehend the reason. 

Namjoon used his free hand to pull and tease my hard-on without mercy again and again. When tears gathered in the corners of my eyes, I begged;

“Stop. Please… Please stop…”

My eyes snapped open. And I almost screamed just after he bit down. He went ahead and whispered in my ear as if nothing was wrong, “But you owe me…”

‘You mean…I owe you…this pain?’ I asked in my mind.

Close to crying when he started pulling on my erect cock as well. Down, up and sideways. The pre-cum didn’t help him keep a tight grip, but it wasn’t slippery enough to help me. Though he started twisting and pinching, making it red and swollen, it remained hard. If anything, it got harder. I tried releasing my hands from his one hand, but I wasn’t able to move an inch away. His reply to my struggle was to increase the tugging.

“Please…I can’t… At least, let me…”

‘Cum.’ was what I wanted to say, although my eyes remained wide open from the shock of his actions.

‘Why is it not going soft, though? It hurts so much…’

I could feel him getting hard during the time I was hitting his crotch with my behind during my futile struggle. That didn’t bother me as much as the size and hardness of it. It was like a huge metal bar was under his pants. Maybe it was my imagination, but it felt even bigger than I remembered.

‘He got this turned on by my pain? Why? Why in hell…’

I unintentionally moaned between breaths that were so sporadic that they left me dizzy.

He played with me some more until I almost came, even when my dick stung. When I was about to, as if he knew, he completely ceased all movement.

My cock was left hanging red and hard in the air as he pushed himself into me until I collapsed on the kitchen counter, spilling the eggs together with the bowl in the process as my right cheek rested against the cold top.

I was terrified that he would just undress me completely and rape me raw when I felt one of his hands holding my head down as the other resumed its place on my cock and stroked painfully and sluggishly.

I felt relief wash over me for a moment before his hard-on rubbed against my still partially covered ass.

We were both still wearing clothes. Although our positions helped me realize that his size would breach my entrance and probably reach half my stomach if it was inside.

He didn’t want me to cum quick at all either. He seemed to enjoy being witness to my twisting, turning, moaning, and sweating under the hand that held me inert. Each stroke caused pain and pleasure altogether. Each squeeze made me try to move back and forth myself, considering I was in constant fear that he would just stop altogether. 

Just as he grabbed both my balls and hard on simultaneously in his fist and stroked them together, I was about to lose my mind. I felt the saliva that has dripped down my chin without my intention or awareness. It stuck to my face when the friction increased to where my face was also rubbing against the countertop.

His hand was in control of the speed of my orgasm. Therefore, it was excruciatingly slow and violent. Both my legs gave out and all I could see were bright light, even if my eyes were still open.

I was certain that I've gone blind for a moment.

The pleasure traveled from my lower body to the tip of my toes upwards to my brain and exploded like a bomb inside a furious ocean.

The pleasure could not distract me from the newfound fear.

‘It will hurt like hell later…’ was the thought that echoed while he was milking me dry. Squeezing every drop and collecting it in his hand. The same hand that he placed in front of my lips while the other remained on top of my scalp.

He didn’t utter a word and I didn’t open my mouth, nor stuck my tongue out either.

I couldn’t say yes, and for some reason, I didn’t want to say no either. 

He left me speechless and blind.

I was shaking. Hence, my now limp dick hit the counter’s door every single time. Just to add a little more pain when I was trembling a bit too hard while my ass was hitting his hard on concurrently.

His hand didn’t move for a while. He gave up easily enough, only to take a step back.

He washed his hands in the sink and then he simply turned the stove back on and cleaned up the spilled eggs.

I felt powerless.

My face was still right-cheek down against the counter and my dick was still out, presumably waiting for him to do something that would cease the ongoing pain. Somehow, I was expecting him to unstick me from the now warm top and punish me for not licking his hand clean.

The panic and pain that got mixed with the euphoric pleasure drained every bit of energy I've had when I was still struggling like a fish on land.

I had no guts to complain. And no natural way to contain the drop that was left of my dignity.

He made me perfectly aware of who and what I was.

‘Mold for his hands to hurt and pleasure at will.’

It terrified me to no end.

The fact that he didn’t even have to fuck me to completely humiliate and strip me of any remnant of masculinity left me depressed.

‘He did it all with such… ease.’

For the past months in which we slept in the same room, studied the same materials, walked the same way to school, showered in the same bathroom, and ate at the same table, I found myself thinking about him as an equal.

Now, I couldn’t consider myself a man, or a woman. I was at the mercy of his desire and I couldn’t even pinpoint when this reversal of power started and ended in this.

“Are you alright?” He asked, dropping the now-empty bowl in the sink. Then pulled my pants up, and turned me around so I could face him.

I barely kept myself standing when he embraced me.

‘Am I a child?’

“Did it hurt that bad?” The innocent question that reached my ears as he gently cleaned my face up with a wet tissue had me hearing a sharp ringing tone that couldn’t be real.

“No. I'm just tired.” I lied and let him lift me up like I was, indeed, a woman.

Relief embraced me immediately after he laid me down on the futon with more gentleness than I thought he was capable of.

‘Where was this carefulness when you were touching me a minute ago?!’

“Eat before you nap.” Another order slapped me in the face.

He kissed my cheek and then returned to the kitchen area.

I got my backpack and urgently rolled a joint, hoping it would cause me to somehow forget what has just occurred. Unsurprisingly, my neck and my lower parts hurt every time I moved. Even my nipples remained hard and rubbed against the shirt as if it was a bonus to my torture.

“Wash your neck.” He said after he casually set two plates on the table. Staring at me during the entire time with the same expression that he had been wearing for a long time now.

I crawled to the bathroom and used his tiny window to smoke my mind away.

I didn’t bother to lock the door.

Observing my neck in the mirror before I washed the blood had me considering the shade of concealer I should get for the marks.

I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but as I sat down in front of him at the table and watched him reading while he sneaked a glance at me occasionally, I knew.

‘I’m scared because I liked it as much as I hated it.’ That was my train of thought that made the warm food get stuck in my throat. Food, he paid for.

“You, ok? Have some water.”

He was holding the glass for me to drink from, and he was rubbing my back in circles to soothe me at the same time.

‘But Namjoon wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. At least not that badly… I mean, it wasn’t so bad after all. Right? I got scared for nothing. Right?’

I somewhat talked myself into a better state of mind as the weed made my body relax.

I was eating, and he was reading.

I was looking around when the door of the bedroom caught my eye. My mind started imagining how we must’ve looked from the outside.

‘If his grandmother was still alive in her room and walked out into the hall, she would have seen a man bent above the kitchen counter, held down and screaming out of pain.’

I set the fork down.

“You didn’t like it?”

‘Also, hard and moaning from the pleasure…’

“I did. I just want to leave room for ice cream.” I replied, smiling.

“You and your sweets.”

‘Hey, Namjoon. You’re still hard, aren’t you? I know you take at least one hour to ejaculate, even so, why aren’t you making me do it? Why are you keeping your distance from me now? And why do you look like you’re about to pounce on me at any second at the same time? You’re using that book to distract yourself, aren’t you?’

I went into the kitchen, took a clean spoon, and opened the freezer. I swallowed the ice cream like it was water, with my back resting against the fridge. Knowing that this is the only spot in which he couldn’t possibly see me.

A tear escaped from my eyes, but the weed had me so out of it, that I only noticed it when it hit the spoon.

I dug it back into the ice cream and continued eating.

‘Namjoon wouldn’t do anything that he knew would hurt terribly.’ I thought. ‘He wouldn’t. He said he likes me… a lot.’

I thought about this and then used the cold plastic container to soothe my neck.

‘He’s just mad at me for something. Yes, that must be it.’

With my newfound idea, I got a spoon for him and hurried back to the table.

“Is it any good?” He asked.

“Of course. Have some.”

He did.

Namjoon's book was now face down on the table. So, I used this opportunity to take it and hide it under the table. He raised an eyebrow at what I've done.

“Are you mad?” I quickly asked.

“What? No.”

“You must be.”

“Why would I be mad?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do I look mad?” He seemed to genuinely ask both me and himself.

“Not… really…”

“Then?”

I abandoned the spoon on the table and rested my back against the wall behind me. Shut my eyes while the whole room started spinning, making me dizzy.

“You didn’t stop when I said that it hurts.” I heard myself speaking as if I was talking from inside a dream.

The sound of his spoon hitting the wood followed.

He didn’t respond, which made me look, only to see him sliding the back door open so he could look outside.

“Why?” I continued to question him with the courage of a drugged man.

He was resting his chin in his hands while he looked at me with half-opened eyes. I thought he’d avoid the subject entirely, but he didn’t.

“Remember when we talked about everybody having their own darkness and stuff? Right here, on the stairs?”

“I do... What about it?”

“Well, you’re an addict.”

“I know.” I smiled a sad smile at that fact.

“You enjoy feeling ‘out of this world’.”

“Aha.” I tilted my head at this point. Unsure of where he was going with this.

“And I enjoy making you…hurt… a little.”

My mouth opened and closed without a sound.

(“They said the guy looked horrible. I mean man, he was black, red, purple, and blue. He couldn’t open one eye for a few days. You should go see him; he’s still not entirely healed, but he comes to school since his parents are punishing him for protecting Namjoon.”

“I saw him. He looks like a rabid animal attacked him. What’s ridiculous is that he won’t even say a bad word about Kim. I heard he’s advising everyone to leave him alone. Saying that it was his fault. That he deserved it. Can you believe it?”

“Wow! That’s insane! And this guy used to be a bully! I mean he’s a huge dude, but the other guy, Namjoon, doesn’t even have a scratch on him! It’s not like he had the guy tied up. They were seen in the morning, no less! And yet, looking all beat up and pitiful, he convinced the witnesses to promise not to say a word about it. That he’ll beat them up if they do!”

“I heard he made them sign something, too. What a load of crap…How would he beat them up anyway? Isn’t his leg still broken or something?”

“I know, right? I mean, how crazy must that guy Kim Namjoon be?! If no one would've stopped him, I bet he would’ve killed him. Did you hear what he did to make him this angry, though?”

“No one knows. No one is courageous enough to ask Kim and the other guy won’t say. He keeps repeating that it’s his fault. He said it in front of the principal while his own mother tried to defend him so I think that’s why they’re making him come to school.”

“Someone told me he said that if we talk to Namjoon we should tell him he’s sorry!”

“For what?!”

“He won’t say.”

“Fuck man. I don’t know. But I am not going anywhere near that psycho. If I see him, I'll run like the wind.”

“Me too!”)

‘Why am I recalling this now? What did I get myself into? I wish I didn’t hear them talking at all. I wish we weren’t in the same school so hopefully, I would be swimming in blissful ignorance right now’

His voice pierced through my thoughts when Namjoon said: “I will try my best not to hurt you, though. Don’t worry. If it hurts really bad, then I will make it feel twice as good after,” He said with a small, reassuring, yet distant smile.

‘I wish I was blind, deaf, and mute.’

“You promise?” I asked with a sad smile of my own.

“I promise.”

I looked down at the chocolate ice cream and ate the last spoonful. I wish I didn't though because I couldn’t even taste the sweetness anymore.

For the first time in my life, chocolate tasted bitter.

Chapter Text

His white T-shirt looked as if it had been spray-painted with blood and his face was so swollen that he was practically unrecognizable. The one tooth that flew out had the red substance dripping and dripping…

When he crawled aside from me with only one good leg, with pure horror in his eyes, I enjoyed it.

I was pleased.

That terrified me the most.

'Maybe I really am a monster?'

"Namjoon?"

"What?!"

"You will never tell me, will you?"

"It's not important."

"You almost beat the guy half to death and the entire school is talking about it."

"So, what?"

"I agree, so what indeed, but shouldn't I know? I mean. Aren't we together? If you're in any kind of danger, shouldn't I be the first to know?"

I looked at his worried face as the afternoon light went through the branches of the trees above us, blocking some rays, which left only small circles free to illuminate his skin.

'No. It's better if you don't.' That is what I wanted to say, but since he kept asking every chance he got, I got up and started walking away to calm myself down. Still, he had to stop me.

"Namjoon! Tell me what's wrong?!"

"I already told you that nothing's wrong!"

Then someone else but him was talking.

"Boy, do I have bad timing."

I felt all the hair on my body standing up when I turned around and meet a familiar crimson hair that came paired with a boxy smile.

"Hi, there."

He tried to appear friendly, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"Hi."

'Don't talk to him, Jungkook!' I pulled him behind me without thinking.

"Protective, aren't we? Though I get it, he looks so innocent and cute."

"Shut up. Don't even look in his direction or I will pull your eyes out."

"Ouch. I bet you mean it."

"Namjoon, why are you being so rude?" Jungkook was trying to break his hand free as his polite tone coated every word and my temples pulsated.

"Really? You want to defend a rapist?" For a second, I thought I said it inside my head, however, he stared at Taehyung with changed eyes, which meant that I probably didn't.

"You can call me, V. Nice to meet you. What's your name?"

"I said, don't talk to him! What the fuck do you want?!"

"But of course, some hearts."

"Hearts?" I heard Jungkook mumbling under his breath.

"He means pills."

"Aw, it doesn't sound so fun if you call them that. Anyhow… do you have any?"

"No, I have nothing on me."

"I thought you couldn't afford to lose any more customers, so why are you walking around empty handed? I was ready to buy a lot too."

"Why is he losing customers?"

Jungkook slipped his hand out while I was taken aback. I watched as he walked in front of me.

I felt the need to grab him and run.

"Oh, he knows nothing. Does he?"

"What don't I know? Tell me."

"Jungkook, please, I swear I will tell you, just don't talk to him." I bit my tongue and closed my eyes to block him out.

"You will?" Taehyung acted as if he was concerned, and it pissed me off to the ends of the earth. "You will tell your little boyfriend about how much trouble you're in because you couldn't keep calm?"

"I will show him right now how not-calm I can be if you keep opening your mouth!" I spat with venom. Assuming that it was my sudden change of character that made Jungkook look at the ground and step back. Though I was mainly staring at Taehyung, I saw him from the corner of my eye.

'Did I just scare him? Like for real?'

"Don't bother." He held his hands up as if he was surrendering and faked another smile before saying, "But you should treat your customers nicer, shouldn't you? Don't mind me, I am just in a grim mood. All I care about is getting my hearts. You see… my stress kept piling up with no way to release it. Thanks to you."

I sighed and saw the man for what he was.

A junkie.

"You will. Meet me back here in one hour."

"Fine. I will go get myself a coffee until then."

"Do whatever the hell you want."

He shrugged and left.

I grabbed Jungkook's backpack and marched towards my house.

"He buys from you?"

"Yeah."

"So why are you getting fewer customers?"

'I assume it's better if he hears it from me rather than trying to find out from that weirdo… Fuck… I wish they were in different countries.'

"This is a small town, right?"

"Right?"

"I and some other dealers get stuff from the same provider."

"And?"

"The guy I beat up stole from my provider."

"What? That means you were not in the wrong! Why didn't you tell me?!"

He stopped walking, looking outraged. I grabbed him by the arm and forced him to walk.

"He stole because someone else told him to steal in the first place. And he wouldn't say who which got old really fast."

"Why didn't you report him to the police? They could interrogate him."

I laughed out of sheer surprise.

"What's so funny?"

"You want me to go to the police and report a guy for stealing drugs from another drug dealer?"

"Yeah… I am a bit on edge today. I didn't think it through."
"Right, I didn't get your fix either...”

He absently nodded and then looked away.

"Who made him steal?"

"Another provider."

"Huh?"

I suddenly noticed a lady walking right next to us.

"Look at it like that. Fred has more people, so as long as he's got candy, then he can sell it and maintain his customers. If he has no candy, they'll go to whoever else has it, and since that guy is also selling… "

"Fred? His name is Fred?"

'Ah, I didn't even realize I said his name.'

"Yeah, that's his name. Anyway, not many people ever sold for this other guy so his business was never booming. Now…however…it's bad for us since I couldn't get the candy back…"

'Bad habit. I need to stop saying his name so easily when I'm out in public…'

We were in front of my house at this point which had me conflicted whether I should walk him to his flat instead of letting him stay at my place. Then I heard him talking over my thoughts, "Yeah, yeah, I will stay here until you’ll return."

"Sorry, but I don't have time to get you home and I don't want you to go anywhere alone for a while…"

"You are aware that I am a man, right?"

"A thin, small man. Yes."

"Touché."

I handed him the backpack and key.

"Lock the doors and don't answer anyone besides me. I will be back soon."

"Yes, mom. Wait. You were completely justified to do what you did, but why did that guy say you couldn't keep calm or something?"

"That's because…"

I could not look him in the eyes all of a sudden.

"I will tell you the rest when I get back."

"Aw… why do you always leave me hanging?!"

I started sprinting towards Fred's apartment and although I wanted to make it seem like I was casually jogging, wearing jeans and a black backpack proved the opposite.

By the time I got to Fred's, I was sweating bullets.

"What's up, kid? Is someone chasing you?"

Despite his chipper tone, the bags under his eyes didn't lie.

I tried to talk while panting but it wasn't really comprehensible. Regardless, he somehow understood every word.

"I... n…eed…fast…V…he…arts...and…Jung…ko…ok…green…"

"How many hearts?"

"Fuck!"

"What?"

I straightened up as I accepted the glass of water and swallowed it in one go.

"I for…got to ask how much mo…ney he had. He just said he's wil…ling… buy a lot."

"And how do we know if that doesn't mean he simply wants to buy more than his usual?"

"We don't. I don't know enough about that asshole. He's new to the mix, remember?"

"Have a bottle then."

"What?"

"He'll owe you the rest of the money. Make sure he pays you back."

He handed me an aspirin bottle and an aluminum ball.

"Any other deliveries I need to make?"

"All finished for today."

"That's weird…"

"My god, he's just a child! How are you letting him go out there all alone?"

A woman that I've never seen entered the open space living room with a big mug in her hand. The purple satin clothes she had on could be worn outside. It took me a bit to realize that they were, in fact, pajamas.

'They got good genes in this family. She's almost just as tall and actually...nah... she looks better than him.'

"He can take care of himself, trust me."

"I refuse. Hey, you," I pointed to myself in confusion and she simply nodded. "Yes, you. Go get yourself a normal job."

"Look who's talking. You should tell that to yourself instead."

Fred argued but he didn't look angry at all, mostly tired as he collapsed on a chair.

"I don't want to hear that from you, of all people! I am going out!"

"With my money!"

She slammed the door while I just stood there, unsure of what to say and do next.

"That's my sister, Mona."

"She seems... nice."

"Yeah, she was when she was like five and then she got exchanged for an insufferable doubleganger."

I slipped the stuff in a hidden compartment of the backpack and headed towards the door.

"Kid?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure this V guy, or whatever his name was, is trustworthy? Didn't you stop him from raping a kid a while ago?"

"Yeah. But we need the money and he's pretty straightforward. I guess I will find out if we can trust him today or at least soon enough..."

"If you feel anything sketchy, don't worry about the money and just dart. If you see a cop, don't run or look guilty in any way. And if they do catch you, call me. I will get you out."

"I know. Don't worry."

I barely touched the handle when I heard him talking again,"Namjoon, I am sorry."

"How long will you keep saying that? Huh?"

"Until I stop feeling guilty, so… never."

I walked out without looking back and started running once again.

I was back at the lake in less than thirty minutes, but all I wanted to do was lay down on the grass and not move for a long time.

'They won't even have to try hard to handcuff me, they'll just turn me over and…'

"You're fast." His tone implied surprise, yet his expression showed it did not impress him in the slightest.

I looked up, but I couldn't get my hands off my knees just yet.

'My back is killing me.'

"I know they call you monster, but I didn't think it had anything to do with your running skills. You should be called jaguar or what's that one called, ah, is on the tip of my tongue. It starts with a C? Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"Shut…the…fuck…up." I was panting and talking at the same time but I was sure that he understood every word I said though, since his smile got bigger and creepier.

'Passive-aggressive motherfucker.'

"Ce…Ce something, something. You know?"

"I… ha…ve …no …clue."

"It will come to me, eventually. So, did you get my hearts?"

"Yeah, yeah…"

I looked around as I took the backpack off my back and was about to unzip it.

The coffee in his hands did comfort me a little while there were like two people casually walking by and birds chirping in the trees.

'It's so peaceful. Like everything else it's in a totally different dimension while I am stuck in hell…'

"Here."

He opened the white, normal pill bottle to check and for some reason, and exclaimed: "Wow. That's a lot!”

My breathing returned to normal and then stopped as I saw his eyes seemingly glisten for a second while he was looking at his drug of choice. He slipped it in his jacket and then opened his own backpack, only to hand me a notebook.

"What the…"

"All I have."

When I was under the shade of the trees, I flipped the pages slowly as if I was reading until I found the money, with the trees behind me as protection for any hidden eyes.

"That's not enough."

"I know. I owe you quite a bit now, huh."

'You don't look concerned, though. That's good.'

"When can you pay the rest?"

"A week or two? Ah! I remembered! Cheetah! That's what it's called. It doesn't fit you though."

"Great. If you take more than a month, I am coming for your head."

"And here I was, thinking we were friends."

I stared at him with pure malice, and surprisingly, his facade broke.

Cold eyes stared back at me.

"Your boyfriend looks cute."

I resisted the urge to walk up to him and punch his face, but instead, I remained quiet and buried my nails in my fist.

"You don't share, do you?"

"Never."

"Don't look so smug. We're not so different, you and I."

"Humor me. How are we the same in any shape or form?"

"He's half your size and a stoner. He must be easy to hold down…"

'How does he know Jungkook smokes? How in the hell…' I straightened myself up, the notebook almost falling from my hand. He must have noticed some confusion since he smiled in a reassuring way.

"Hold your horses. I just saw him smoking here once, by chance. And snitching to the cops wouldn't benefit me now, would it?"

"Good. Don't even go near him."

"I won't. To be honest, I envy you."

That caught me off guard. Meanwhile, I tried to hide my growing discontent by placing the notebook in the backpack and slowly extracting the money out of it while pretending I was searching for something.

"All the ones I touch won't consent, but I never had the patience to fool them into it. I guess you're much more patient than I am…"

I felt like someone had poured freezing water on top of my head and yet, I was still boiling. If I wasn't already in so much trouble, I felt like I could have killed him and felt no remorse afterward.

"Remind me, why did I help you, again?" When I was sure that I had all the money, I threw the notebook straight at his face, and even though it was sudden and we stepped away, he caught it before it hit him.

"Because you like to think that you're a good guy. Don't you?" He took a sip of his coffee "A pleasure making business with you. See you when I see you."

Alas, he turned around and waved with the notebook as he walked away.

I stood there, unable to control my anger and unable to do anything with it either.

Thought that if I ran back home instead of walking, then my adrenaline would decrease, but it didn't.

I walked in and saw Jungkook sitting on the floor against the wall with an untouched plate of food on the table, watching Tv.

When he noticed me walking in, he turned it off.

"All went well?"

"Yeah."

"You ran here?"

Dropped my backpack at the door. Turned the water on and stuck my head in the kitchen sink.

I could feel him nervously waiting in the corner.

"I am sorry if I pried into your business…"

"Nah." I got a towel and tried to dry my hair with it. "It's normal that you'd ask about it. Who wouldn't? I should've told you from the beginning after all…"

His expression changed in an instant. He smiled a smile so beautiful, like the sunrise after a horrible stormy, bloody night you think you won't survive.

I sat down at the table and watched him sitting next to me. Inhaled deeply and said:

"Right. You want me to tell you why Taehyung said I couldn't keep my calm, right?"

"Yes."

He was holding his head in his hands as his elbows rested on the table.

"Stop looking at me like that."

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? This is the definition of being on the edge of your seat. And my life is not a good movie."

"I know." He let his arms drop by his side and looked down with newfound sadness. "Sorry."

I sighed and embraced him.

"Namjoon?"

I could hear the surprise in his voice and hesitation in his body, yet, after a bit, he relaxed and hugged me back.

"After my parents died, I never wanted to lose anyone. Then I kind of forgot, but my grandma died and then I got scared I'd lose you or Fred. So, I thought I'd do anything to prevent that. I was so glad that you're young and not...dying from old age or illness…"

"That's a weird thing to be thankful for but… I am not going anywhere…"

"I know but…" He wanted to look at my face, which is why he pushed me a bit, but I didn't move.

I didn't want him to look at me.

"When the guy broke into Fred's apartment, he had a gun and Fred was home…"

"What…?"

"He didn't shoot him, but when I heard him talking about it, I saw red. I tried to be calm, but when the guy threatened me as well, I lost it. Then I realized we were in the same school, so he probably saw me with you, which made me want to kill him only so I'd make sure he'll hurt no one whom I love."

I never considered telling him this, but despite making hundreds of reactions up in my mind in case I did, I never imagined he'd hug me tighter. Therefore, I kept going.

"Then I realized that the new provider was the problem and that he could get any other dog to do his bidding while I might end up behind bars.So, I decided to let him live. Still… I was so angry and I am still so fucking angry…"

"Why?" He whispered.

"Fred won't let me pay that provider a visit." I complained, irritated, "He said he knows where he might be. And even if he has all his stuff at his place, he told me we shouldn't do anything since the guy isn't that smart since he got caught two times before and he might get caught again without us having to lift a finger. This was just his way to scare us away or get us so broke that he makes some fast cash on our misfortune. That what I did was a warning to him that'll keep him off for a while. That I've done… enough…"

'Although I doubt that Fred couldn't take one guy down, gun or no gun. Which makes me...see red.'

"You did!"

"Did I?"

I let him go and looked at his face to see if his expression matched his words.

His eyes were wet, and a small smile danced on his lips when he cupped my cheek.

"Yes. You're a good guy, Kim Namjoon."

I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at him and let him caress me as he spoke.

"You care about people, but you should care more about yourself. What would we do without you? Didn't you think about that? No matter what, you need to stay alive first and we will try to stay alive as well."

"But what if he shoots Freed?"

"We will deal with it then. I am sure Fred will do something. He sounds like a smart guy. I don't think he's just waiting to get shot. He didn't want to put you in more danger or worse, make you kill someone for him."

'Yeah...right...'

"What if…someone kills you?"

"How would they kill me when you'll always be by my side?"

I kissed him as I had never kissed him before.

I tasted his warm tears on my tongue. I didn't want this moment to end.

'Why are you crying, Jungkook?' This thought sneaked itself into my consciousness.

I lifted him up and sat him in my lap as I kissed his neck and slid my hands under his shirt and felt his warm back.

"Nam…" Whatever he wanted to say was replaced by unintentional moans, as I rubbed his groin and ass against mine over and over again. The gradual friction made him hang onto me as his breathing got louder and sporadic.

I grabbed his hair from the back and pulled, exposing his neck which I licked and bit intending to leave as many marks as possible. When he moaned louder due to both the pleasure and pain, I started to thrust into him from between our clothes.

"Wait… I should be the one who…"

"Huh?" I hesitantly stopped all movement when he tried to push me on my back. I allowed him, despite not knowing how I should react to him taking charge.

He then licked my collarbone as he lifted my sweatshirt and unbuttoned my pants.

"I didn't do it to you for a while so…"

"I forgot all about our deal…" I smiled with a bit of nostalgia about the way we used to spend time together in the not-so-distant past.

He unzipped me and kissed my belly as he went lower.

"By the way…did you get my stuff?"

My chest hurt and I suddenly felt cold again.

"Yes."

"Thanks."

'Ah, I forgot. He's just another… junkie…'

He touched my boxers with his tiny hands, but even though I was only a bit hard, I felt the need to grab him by the back of his neck and fuck his mouth until he almost suffocated.

"You don't need to do it if you don't want to," I muttered through clenched teeth.

"But I want to…"

'I don't believe you.'

("All the ones I touch won't consent, but I never had the patience to fool them into it. I guess you're much more patient than I am…")

His voice echoed inside my mind like a curse while I gathered all the will that I could muster to push him as slowly and as delicately as I could before getting up. He simply watched me, bewildered.

"What are you…?"

"I'm not in the mood anymore."

That was all I said before walking away.

"What? Why?"

'I will not hurt him again. I need to calm down. I need to…'

"What did I do? Namjoon?"

I got the key out of the keyhole, walked outside the front door, and then locked it behind me.

Turned around and with my back against the door sighed while I could hear him yelling from the other side of the door.

All reason left me when I acknowledged I was mere centimeters away from Fred's face, who was hearing him as well;

"I'm sorry! Please come back! I don't know what I've done! Namjoon! Tell me!"

He started banging on the door, continuing to yell the same things over and over.

"Hi, kid."

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to make sure nothing happened to you. I tried calling, but…"

"Namjoon! Open the door!"

"Got into a fight?"

"Kind of."

"Is there someone else there?! I can hear another voice…" Jungkook said in lower tone.

"You're not doing anything…bad…are you? Or thinking about it?" That question was loaded with layers upon layers.

I followed where his eyes were looking.

'Shit, why am I still hard?'

"What do you mean? I am out here. Aren't I?"

Jungkook went dead silent.

Fred opened his mouth but I could see him thinking about the safest way to ask. I stopped him before he tried.

"Jungkook probably remembered there's a backdoor."

"There is, indeed."

Only a few seconds later, I was looking at my right, and Jungkook was looking at his left. Both of us were staring silently at the same person.

"Hi. Who are you?" Jungkook however, was less adamant and oblivious about everything in this moment.

'Now that I took a good look at him…he looks a bit sick and out of it…'

"Where are my manners? Nice to meet you Jungkook, I'm Fred. I heard a lot about you."

He stretched out his hand towards him with a small smile, but Jungkook was still frozen from the second he heard his name.

Fred's hand slowly lowered itself before Jungkook regained his composure and shook it at the last second.

"Nice to meet you too."

"Is everything alright? Did you two fight about something?"

"I am not sure… He just walked out…" Jungkook avoided his eyes when someone passing by the front of the fence captured Fred’s attention. Our eyes simply followed his.

"Ki… Namjoon, how about we go inside now?"

"Yeah." I opened the door and headed straight for the bathroom. "I will be right back."

"Try not to do it too loudly?"

"Do… what…?" I looked at him and saw an amused smirk and knowing eyes that bore into my very soul. I felt my face heating up while Jungkook was locking the front door.

"Would you like some tea or coffee?"

"Some tea would be great, actually."

I closed the bathroom door with a thud and slid to the floor while I tried to get my feelings to dance Salsa at a Metallica concert.

'You freaking old perverted geezer, making me feel embarrassed about…'

I looked down at the obvious hard-on and almost screamed out loud.

'Why the hell am I still hard?! What the fuck is wrong with me?!'

Jungkook's troubled, and shy face popped inside my head.

'He's going to be the death of me. I just know it.'

I inhaled and exhaled deeply but before it could have calmed me down, I smelt something that I couldn't identify.

Conflicted, I walked towards the sink and washed my face with cold water, imagining many horrific things that could make my hard-on die faster.

'Houses burning…puppies in danger…fishes flopping on the beach…Taehyung on top of that boy…Jungkook crying…'

I looked down.

'Still hard.'

I resisted the urge to smash the mirror to shreds while I heard Fred's excited and polite voice:

"Oh, Namjoon should learn from your hospitality skills! He barely even gave me water last time I came over!"

'That should kill it.'

I inhaled deeply again, which made me smell it again.

'I know this smell…It's…it's weed…but…where? Didn't he say he was out?'

I looked around and soon enough; I found a tiny ball hidden in the shade of a corner. It was an almost completely black butt of a blunt, with ash all around it.

'How long has this been here?' I grabbed it and tossed it in the toilet.

I left the bathroom a few minutes later after conjuring up the darkest and most disgusting memories I had acquired in this lifetime.

"Oh, that was faster than I expected. But I assume that getting older would make it go a bit faster, even for you."

Fred was on the floor, in the middle of the table, with his back against the door. In front of him was tea, cookies that I didn't remember buying, napkins, sugar cubes, and water.

'What the hell is this?'

Jungkook was at his left, looking down at the floor.

'Oh right, he must think I'm upset with him still…'

And in a way, I was. In another way, I forgot he was a junkie even though he listened and didn't leave the second I confessed to almost murdering someone because of my abandonment issues. It made me feel guilty about the way I reacted but couldn't help it either. The anger that surged through me at that point destroyed all logic.

'At least, I did nothing to him…and if Fred walked in and saw me doing something like that again then I'd become a loose end…'

"Namjoon, come sit down. We need to talk." He patted the space at his left.

I hesitantly walked towards the table, while I couldn't help staring at Jungkook's trembling hands while he was pouring hot water into Fred's cup.

'All he knows about Fred is that he's a drug dealer. Worst, he's not even a punk that sells on the streets, but he's the one who provides those punks with drugs. Logically, he must be pretty scared right now…'

I wanted to facepalm myself when I realized this.

'But Fred's less scary than I am Jungkook…no, he's worse but at least, he's not when it comes to you. In a way, it'd be better if you got along with him and stayed away from me…'

I sat down on the opposite side of Jungkook, without looking away from his face, even if he wasn't looking in my direction on purpose.

"Why so far away from me?" Fred patted the extremely close empty spot right next to him once again.

'What am I thinking? We're both bad for you.'

"No way in hell."

He didn't take me seriously, though. He looked slightly amused and more playful than I've seen him in months. Almost… happy.

"Did something good happen?"

He grinned in response and then changed the subject.

"Now, you two should talk like two adults about what had transpired before I arrived."

My mouth hanged open on its own as I stared between him and Jungkook, but neither face conveyed anything.

"Wait, what did he tell you?" I reacted quickly, and the panic in my voice was more obvious than I wished it were the moment I closed my mouth.

"Nothing, that's why I am telling you to talk." He mumbled between clenched teeth, paired with an irritated smile.

I rested on my hands while I relaxed a little and looked up at the ceiling.

"I got annoyed."

"Why?" Jungkook spurted out.

"You…were about to do something you didn't want to do…and I didn't want you to…"

"I said, I wanted to!"

I looked away.

Fred sipped his tea loudly. That only got my attention and his smile behind the cup was making me angry once again.

"What?! We're together! We're allowed to touch and stuff!"

"I know. I know. Two healthy young men like you have needs as well…"

Jungkook looked mortified as he realized what I had just said to a man he knew nothing about besides that as far as he was concerned, he was my boss and an illegal one at that.

"Stop saying it like that. It's weird…" I massaged my temples while Jungkook grabbed the water that he got for Fred and started drinking it himself in big gulps.

"So, pu…I mean, Jungkook, why were you forcing yourself to do something you didn't want to do? It was obvious to Namjoon that you didn't want to."

He was still drinking water. I didn't want to admit to myself that I wanted him to answer, so I just stared at the door as if I was about to bolt.

My being became an ear that was listening to every breath he was taking in and letting out.

"I was not…I admit I didn't want to do it for a long time, but today was not the case. He simply came to that conclusion himself!"

"Bullshit," I mumbled.

"What do you mean bullshit! How do you want me to prove it?! I said I am not ready to do …a lot of stuff... that doesn't mean I am now, but what I was…" He suddenly remembered Fred was there in the midst of his rant as he lowered his voice after looking at the amused man and continued: "…about to do was not something I wasn't comfortable with. After all, I offered, didn't I?"

The more I heard him talking, the more annoyed I got. I faced his flushed face and stared him dead in the eyes until he dared to stare back before I said, "Well…I don't believe you."

"Why don't you believe him?" Fred suddenly asked, but we didn't look at him.

I continued to glare at Jungkook even when I could see tears forming. That made me furious.

"Because he asked about his fucking weed before he went down on me!"

Fred didn't drop his teacup to the ground but it almost fell out of his hand because it hit the table when he put it down with an unnatural movement.

We both broke our eye contact when we realized what I had just said. I put my hands up in defense as his smile looked strange and conflicted. Fred was smiling at nothing as if trying to pretend he didn't hear what he had just heard.

Jungkook glued his cheek to the table and covered his head with his hands in embarrassment.

"I got annoyed… sorry, I…do not know what else to say.”

"Brat. I knew what you were talking about anyway. Why are you embarrassed only after pointing it out? You've told me worse shit."

'I guess because Jungkook is here?'

From his small cocoon, we suddenly heard him talking in a low voice, but just loud enough to make sense of what he was saying.

"That's not why I asked you about it…I asked you about it because I was hungry, but I wasn't able to eat. I felt nauseous because I was so worried something must've happened to you while I was waiting for you to come back. I didn't kn…ow if I sho…uld ca…ll or not. If… I shoul….d go and se…e if yo…u're the…re or not…'cause …even after yo…u told m...e alm…mo…st ever…ything, I sti..ll fel…t nausea..ous so I wanted to make sure…you had it…be..ca..use I wanted to st..op think..ing ab…out…it…"

The more he talked, the more obvious it was that he was sobbing.

The memory of the plate that was full of untouched food when I walked in had my hand hanging in midair in the next second, right above his head. I could almost touch him but I was unsure of how I should apologize for misunderstanding after he had been nothing but understanding.

'I want to beat myself up.'

"Well, I guess this is my cue to go." Fred got up and walked towards the door and put on his shoes. Meanwhile, we remained in the same position.

"It was a pleasure to meet you, Jungkook. "

"It was… a… pleasure …to me…et y…ou too…" Jungkook let out with his head still hidden and while still crying.

"Have him come next time we go out to eat, Namjoon. It'll be my treat. I will bring Mona as well."

"Sure…" I heard myself promising without thinking.

"Thanks for the tea and cookies. See you all another time."

"See you." We both said in unison, and then the front door was unlocked and Jungkook's crying filled the silence.

"I'm sorry." That was all I could say.

"I am …geet….getting..a…j…ob…"

"What? I didn't hear…"

"Job."

"Huh? Why are you suddenly talking about a job?"

He lifted his head up and looked at me with a tear still falling from his eyes, with a red nose and two pink cheeks.

"I wi…ll pay for.. my…weed.. wi…th my mone..y and.. I w..ill get it fro…m Fred …on..ly.., my…se…lf…"

"There's no need to. It has nothing to do with money."

"I..don..'t ca…re. I am doing it!"

He got up and stormed towards the bathroom.

He didn't close the door behind him. He simply washed his face and blew his nose with toilet paper. I stood awkwardly in the doorway.

"Listen. All my money used to go towards my grandma's medical bills, pills, and caregiver but now, she's gone…" As I said this, I could feel the wound bursting open. Talking about her in that way hurt more than I thought it would, but then I heard him sobbing above the sink so I stuffed the pain down and continued talking, "Your weed is cheap compared to that so don't worry. I have more money now than I ever had. Even if I'd still have to pay all that, it has nothing to do with it. Weed is really cheap, so..."

"Then why…did you…say...I was on..ly…doing that for the...weed?"

"That's because…" I buried my hands in my pockets and fixated on a tile on the floor. "I am the only…dealer you know."

He turned around in one swift movement and stared at me with wide eyes.

"I could've as..ked you ab..out another one and then ne..ver talk to you again!"

"That's true but…"

"But what?"

"I wouldn't have told you about any of them. They're all horrible people and…"

'Though I am no better…' I thought and then cleared my voice.

"…I didn't want you to know any other dealer besides me…" My eyes got wider as I surprised myself with this knowledge that my subconscious kept hidden from me.

"Then all of it was not even about me?! It scared you that you'd have to use your dealer card in case I wanted to leave you?!"

"I…guess…"

I was in shock.

He threw his hands in the air and walked past me. Grabbed his backpack and walked out of the house without looking back.

I didn't dare move.

I didn't even dare breathe.

'Mom, you did it again. Even in death, you want to keep proving that I deserve to be alone. Don’t you?’

AN:The next chapter will be up in a week or two. Thank you for reading.

Chapter Text

After he left, I spent the rest of the night drinking and since I dreamt my grandma, I somehow pulled myself together the next morning to go to school.

Since he ignored me for the next two days, I slipped 'I'm sorry' notes every single day and followed him around like a stalker again. The alcohol helped me stay in denial and continue to stalk him like it was completely normal although we had similar schedules and our ways home and to the shop coincided. Another thing that helped immensely... I wasn't sure if he noticed me at all. In fact, I was almost certain that he didn't.

He got a part-time job as a cashier like he said he would, and that only made me realize I hated how he smiled at strangers. The store he worked at was too small for me to get in without him noticing and even if it wasn't, I was too afraid to find out if he was going to use a fake smile and pretend that he didn't know who I was.

I was jealous of his coworker like the moon must be of the sun. He seemed like a nice guy and even after I asked around, I couldn't find any dirt on him which had me so relieved that I rewarded myself with more alcohol. Yet the more I saw them chatting through the see-through door, the more jealous I became over the fact that he got to talk to Jungkook at all.

As an obvious result, I started drinking stronger booze. After a while, my body got so used to it, that I had to drink more and more. I was growing tired of drinking but I hated being sober exponentially.

The same dream haunted me every time I was exhausted enough to pass out. The marvelous dream in which my mom kept asking me to pour her a drink as well.

And when I wouldn't, she'd start crying and saying that I was a horrible son.

Undeserving of love.

I barely slept, I had no appetite, and my grades were getting worse only because I couldn't be bothered to try at all.

Fred left me to my own devices since he was busy  getting back on his feet and even if the other guy apparently dropped off the face of the earth all of a sudden, it still didn't cheer me up enough. He tried to console me but after listening to the rest of the fight he missed… he told me I should confront Jungkook when I am calmer and when he seems better.

A bit earlier today, he reminded me that Taehyung promised to pay me back in two weeks and it's been over a month, so I had to call and meet up with him.

Sober, he said.

Sober, I went.

I hated every step I took towards our meeting place. I hated everyone who was happily passing me by. And I hated myself.

But I abhorred having to see his face the most.

"You look worse than the last time I saw you. What did you do? Did you finally take a shower?"

"Where's my money?"

"I don't have it."

The sun was going down, the ducks were excitedly talking on the lake, the birds were singing in the trees and the wind was making me feel cold. Despite being in the mood to set everything on fire, I grinned, since the universe gave me the opportunity of a lifetime. The golden chance to punch his face into the ground made the whole day suddenly ten times better.

I rolled up my sleeves but he didn't even take a step back.

"My friend keeps my money for me. I can't keep it on me or at home."

I rolled my sleeves back down and got visibly sadder.

He burst out laughing and I waited while he sent a text.

"Follow me."

"Where?"

"Party. The guy who throws it has my money. You could use some fun too."

"No, thanks. I saw enough of your partying last time."

To think that he might've pitied me for a second had me thinking that I should get my act together faster.

"Trust me, there's some good shit. You look like you could use a drink too."

I looked at the tree Jungkook usually leaned against, as if he was physically there to tell me what to do.

The fact that he wasn't, offered me the answer I was seeking.

"Fine."

"Really?" He almost choked on his soda and his face showed genuine surprise.

"You're the one who offered!"

"I know, I know…I just didn't expect you to say yes."

"Then I am not coming!"

"No, no, come. It'll be fun. You get to mix pleasure with business today."

After minutes since accepting, I steeped in regret as we were sitting side by side in the same taxi.

"How far?"

"Pretty far."

'Is he just going to kill me and dispose of my body somewhere?'

I texted Fred to let him know what was happening but since my hangover was still kicking my brain, I didn't notice he was staring at my phone until he flat out spelled it out for me;

"Man, you're paranoid. It's not in the middle of nowhere! And it's a real party. You don't have to let your boss know about it. What would I have to gain by thrashing you?" He almost laughed, sat back, and looked out the window, extremely relaxed.

I, however, was having a heart attack.

"How do you know…"

'My boss's name is Fred?' That was what I wanted to say but I checked the face of the taxi driver instead. Then pointed at my phone.

"Oh, him. He's friends with one of my friends. That's how I knew you worked for him."

"That... makes sense…"

The closer we got to the party, the more I wanted to ask about his friends. But I also knew it wasn't the place to bring that up and that I could find that out by myself soon enough.

I realized I was wrong when we got dropped off at a two-story house with people drinking on the lawn, sunbathing, and dancing to a song that was turned up so loudly that I could feel my sober brain mocking me.

'The only person I know at this party so far is V. This is bad. Why did I say yes again?'

As soon as I got inside, I saw some pills were lined up in plain view on a table, and I made eye contact with a fully stacked bar at the far left, which had me thinking to myself; 'Ahh, that's why.'

"Hey, Johnny! Spot me with the cash I gave you!"

"Red boy. How is ya doing?"

They shook hands and then he and his other friends all glanced at me with eyes so cold, that I swallowed my spit without thinking.

"Who's ur friend?"

"Ha! You will lick his toes when you’ll hear that he's the one who provided the hearts for the party!"

The black guy's face changed into a grin immediately, which was preceded by half a hug. The others stared my way with so much warmth, that he might've as well told me I was the long-lost brother of each one of them.

"He's the man of the house! You're welcome to do anything you please, ma man! In fact, Roxy, get the boss a drink! He's the one who made this party happen!"

"Really?! What will the pretty boy have?!"

She screamed from where I assumed was the bar I previously saw and the rest hollered at the 'pretty boy' remark.

"Ma favorite lady wants to get yo number." Another guy said and fist-bumped with another.

"Vodka." I ignored them and made sure I got my drink instead.

"He's not playing. Is he?"

"Pour the boss some Russian dolls!" Johnny, the one who seemed to be the oldest and also, the one who seemed to be the head of the group grabbed me by the shoulders while we walked together and sat down on bar stools that other two emptied as if ordered by an invisible voice while we were approaching.

The woman I assumed was Roxy was pouring vodka in shot glasses while she smiled at me sweetly.

"I am not usually this nice since she's special, but if you dig…" He pointed at her, "She might let you steal a kiss. I treat my dealers with respect since ma last man did jail for ma pot and I still wish I would've treated him like the King that he was."

"Sorry." I took a shot and then continued: "I'm taken."

"Aw…" She scoffed "Such a shame. But in case you change your mind…"

The guy started laughing, which seemed to offend her. I kept drinking the free shots like they were water when a rag flew right by me and hit his face.

"Why…you! Why you laughing?! Can't you tell he fine?" Her sharp intonation contrasted with her strangely tame volume.

"I can tell. But you turn everyone else down. Seeing you get turned down makes me feel all warm and tingly."

"Then have some holy water." She kindly suggested and then walked away.

"By the way, I didn't catch ur name, I am Johnny." He stretched his hand out, grinning big. Revealing perfectly white teeth.

"Namjoon." I shook his hand on instinct.

"I think I've heard that name before," Roxy said before she went back to two clearly drunk girls.

"Ahh, I didn't know you were him."

"What do you mean?"

I had finished all the shoots, so I turned around to look at him just in time to see his conflicted face.

"I was doubtful you were Fred's baby monster but ya are, ain't ya?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He put his hands up.

"I mean no disrespect. It's just, you're one of his top men, and not many know your face but we know Fred will have our head if we touch a hair on yo head."

"Why?"

"Didn't you hear me? Top man... and now that I've seen ya in person…I don't know if you're the Monster them rumors have you be, but you're something else fo sure."

"Hey! Johnny! Marcus won't go get me my money!" V's voice was loud enough to overpower the music, but when I saw him snorting something off the table, I was convinced that he wasn't that concerned. Hence, I wasn't either.

"That's because he has no clue where yo money is or where he is!" He laughed and then turned around, squeezing my shoulder before he promised: "I will go get it. Don't flee on me, top man."

I didn't get to respond since he got off the stool and headed upstairs in a hurry.

My eyes searched for Roxy, and to my surprise, she seemed to have heard my very thought.

"More Russian dolls, please?"

"Wow, someone who knows how to say please. Your lady is so lucky, does she know that?"

"Lucky…I doubt it…"

She refilled the glasses and then handed me half a lemon.

"You don't look like you're the type to shoot some down for nothing. Anything weighing on your mind?"

"Nah. I'm fine."

"You sure? Because I can help you forget if you let me…" Her hand went from my hand that was reaching for a glass, up to my forearm. The action was too sensual for me to mistake it for anything else but flirting. I stopped it by grabbing her wrist and looking into her eyes:

"I'm sorry. I am taken."

She nodded, gave me another lemon, some napkins, and left.

I had more shots before I heard Johnny shouting from the bottom of the stairs, "Top man, come here!"

Taehyung was right next to him, visibly upset.

The moment I stepped foot onto the ground and started walking towards them, the music sounded louder, the people seemed blurrier and no matter how nicely I tried to walk through them without attracting attention, they seemed to stare at me in particular.

'I might be imagining things or it's because I am too tall…' That's what I told myself.

"But I want some too." V was stomping his foot with his arms crossed.

"Next time. Go have what the other guys are having."

"Why is he getting all the good stuff? You've known me for longer."

"Yeah...you should thank him for helping yo troublesome ass. You're a bad case on our record, ya know?"

"What am I getting?" I made my presence known and was immediately dragged up the stairs.

I looked down for a second since my shoe almost fell from the sudden movement and since the alcohol just hit me after getting up and walking.

What I saw was nightmare-inducing.

They were all looking up at me.

Undoubtedly.

And Taehyung remained down at the bottom of the stairs as if there was a fence that was stopping him from coming up.

'What the fuck?'

In fact, it was stopping everyone since the second floor was quieter, cleaner, and void of people.

We walked down the hallway, straight into a bathroom.

"What are we doing here? And why can't V come up?"

'Not that I want to spend more time with him than I need to...'

I watched him searching for something behind the toilet's water tank.

"Here." He said, handing me a lot of cash.

"Did all of them have only change? Fuck…do you at least have a wallet, a bag, or something?"

"Don't worry. I will get you something, just hold it like this for now."

He walked out of the bathroom, so I followed him right after I glimpsed my blurry self into the mirror and one thought appeared with the speed of light right before I stared at the kitchen sink and then closed the bathroom door behind me: 'Your shift must've ended. Did you get home safe, Jungkook?'

I was lost on where to go when I found myself alone in the hallway until I heard someone yelling: "Man, get yo ass in here.", so, I assumed, he must’ve been addressing me.

The door was ajar and smoke was slipping out, so I went in with many thoughts, fighting for my conscious attention.

I was almost expecting to see an actual fire, but what I saw instead were five men playing cards at a way-too-big, round, wooden table. They were either alone or with women by their side, or sitting in their lap, drinking and chatting while they were all smoking joints.

"Johnny, you know we got no space left, you sucker."

"Make some, he's the one who got us the pills and the Kush."

"What? Taehyung bought no weed from me." was my natural response as I awkwardly stood in front of these men who looked closer or further away from my age. I tried to pretend I didn't notice that they examined me like a new piece of furniture.

"Not talking about V, Roberto got the puff."

"Ah…he's friends with you guys?"

"Indeed he is."

'I was worried why he bought so much suddenly, but since Fred needed the money, I didn't even dare ask if he stole it… I just didn't want to know.'

"Sit down." One of them patted the chair that a girl brought from another room.

"He's so tall." was the reaction of a blond guy while he looked me up and down before I got to sit down.

"Shit, get him a drink."

"What's your name?"

"Namjoon."

"I am Mole, that's Michael, Daniel, Andrew, Strike, and Johnny who I am sure you've met."

"Yeah. Nice to meet…you…all…"

It surprised me when a drink was literally placed in my hand without even hearing someone pour one.

"A drink for our new friend, Namjoon. Bottoms up."

They all drank, but their eyes were watching me as they gulped down their drink.

Suddenly aware of the pressure, I drank the whole glass, even though it tasted weird and way too big to drink as a shot.

The blond guy smiled and then patted me on the back with a bit too much force.

They were saying something but I couldn't hear any sound coming out. It was all muffled as if I was underwater. I looked down since I couldn't feel my lower body. I saw the money falling from my hand first and then I had a hard time keeping my head up.

I was sure I fell off the chair, and I was on the floor since I could see their legs and shoes under the table yet I was unable to ask why.

"I wanted to see how good he is at cards… Why did you put so much?"

"I wanted him to like us! You fucker!"

"I didn't! That's how everyone reacts when it's their first time! Remember?"

"Johnny, did you ask if he ate?"

"No."

That's all I heard before I blacked out.

My mom was calling my name but I pretended not to hear, while I was hiding with Jungkook under a blanket. We snuggled and laughed about nothing in particular while her voice grew angrier as it got closer and closer.

I woke up in a room I did not recognize, completely soaked since someone had just poured water on me.

"Wakey, wakey, tall guy." The blond guy smiled with white, round teeth until Johnny nudged him.

"I told you his name is Namjoon."

"Well, I'm sorry that I have a hard time remembering new names!"

"I told you five minutes ago!"

"Time?" I used the entirety of my human will to just get that one word out.

"Don't worry. It's only been half an hour. We wouldn't let you miss out on the effects."

"What are you talking…?"

As if my brain needed to be reminded that it was on drugs, the bedroom looked so much brighter even if only one lamp was on and their voices were like drums beating right next to my ears.

"The walls are moving…" I heard myself thinking out loud and even my voice sounded unfamiliar.

"Namjoon, look at me." I could hardly see Johnny, but I tried my best to look in his direction while he waved his hands right in front of my face.

"Did You Eat Today?!"

"No." That was all I said before I fell backwards on the bed, unable to get up or open my eyes while the whole room was spinning.

"Shit. I will go get something quick. Mike, don't leave him alone."

"I wouldn't dare, he's kind of hot."

"Don't touch him either!"

"Hmm…"

I heard the door closing and felt a hand going up my hoodie right after.

I tried my best to look down, but all I saw was yellow hair. I pulled on it and I got a pleased sound in return.

"Don't you want to play? The first time makes everything feel like heaven. It won't get any better than this."

I kept holding onto his hair with all the strength I got left, which wasn't much. The proof was his hand that continued to tease my chest.

"Ta…ke..take…en…" I managed to breathe out with great difficulty.

"I'm sure she'd do the same if she got to have what you just had. Don't worry, I won't tell her."

"He." I was sure I spat out, as his face appeared so clear in my mind as if it was truly there.

"Oh, so you play for my team. Even better."

He started to caress my groin, and then I heard the zipper being pulled down.

"Tak…en"

"What?"

"Kill…"

He slipped his hand in and that's when I grabbed his neck and squeezed.

"You."

"So…Sor..ry! Let…g.."

The door swung open and Johnny dropped all food on the floor before he touched my arm and then cupped my cheeks.

"Namjoon. Buddy, try to relax."

"F..k.." I couldn't stop as euphoria combined with liquid pain continued to surge through my veins at the thought of Jungkook.

"Fred won't be happy if you hurt him!" Was all Johnny had to say to snap some resemblance of common sense into me, that had me loosen my grip around Michael's neck.

"Mot..her…! Fuck!"

"What the hell did you do to him?!"

"I …pl..ay…bit.."

Johnny shoved a sandwich in my mouth and zipped up my pants. Michael kept coughing. I started chewing with newfound hunger and continued to imagine Jungkook's smiling face, which had me all warm and peaceful. It was as if I was in heaven only with him by my side, and nothing bad could ever happen. This beautiful place that lived in my mind rent-free.

They kept talking in the background of my imaginary heaven.

"Man, you don't even know if he plays your game, and you still went for him. You've changed, man, you're getting desperate, I swear…"

"G…ay…"

"Who?"

"Him."

"How do you know that?! Your radar was broken since you were seven!"

"He said so!"

"You don't know that, he might be bi. Wait a sec, that might be why he was able to say no to Roxy like he meant it…"

"The fucker…The fucker strangled me!"

"What did you expect?! You were about to rape him!"

"He's a man. And he's high as fuck. No one in their right mind would say no right now. I am telling you; this is an obsessed, sick motherfucker!"

"Let it go, man. And apologize later." He snatched the plastic wrapper I was trying to eat away from my mouth and gave me one more sandwich, and then forced me to drink too much water.

They held me up, helped me walk, and then allowed me to switch between reality and fantasy on the couch of the room that I've fainted in while they all continued playing cards.

The girls were now in charge of making sure I ate and drank until I felt my stomach was about to burst.

The smell of weed triggered something in my mind that had tears falling without making a sound.

"Is it possible to have an unpleasant trip on this?"

"Something or someone tipped him off!"

"I told you nothing happened! I barely laid one finger on him."

"Namjoon! Hey."

Someone who I couldn't identify kept slapping my face gently until my eyes focused on his face.

"Why you crying? What happened?"

I parted my lips and more tears fell at the thought of him. The fantasy version that had caused me ecstasy a while ago caused my lungs to feel as if they were two bags of sand filled with water.

"Ask him in one hour, Andrew. He's too out of it now."

My chest felt tight and as if it was ready to break. My very core seemed to feel a type of pain that I didn't think was possible to feel. It was the pain that I had been trying to avoid which was now given all the power in the world to attack every cell I had.

"We have to make him think of something else. We wanted to make a good impression, not traumatize him…"

"He won't snap out of it so easily…"

"Mole, it's your turn."

"Ya'll shut up for a moment. Hey, Namjoon, boy!"

I could hear his voice, but his face was blurry.

"Who made you sad?"

"Him."

"Who's him?"

A few soft slaps and a bottle of water later and more of the same question had me finally blurting out:

"Jung."

"Who's that?" My mind started playing our fight over and over again. The way he smiled at strangers and how he looked sicker by the day.

"Does anyone know who that is?"

"Wait up, his friend might know."

"Which friend?"

"V got him here to give him the money he owed."

"Oh, true, true!"

An eternity later of standing in hell while holding my mom's hand and watching Jungkook getting further and further away while she held me back and no matter how much I tried I couldn't get closer to him or have him forgive me…

It had me willingly returning to reality when a familiar face blocked my view.

"So, your name is Taehyung? Not V?"

"Yes."

"How do you know him?"

"We go to the same school but...why is he… crying?"

"You got the redhead here for nothing!"

"That's what we wanted to ask you! He said it's because of Jung. Do you know who that is?"

"More importantly, is he at this party?

"Jung…I don't know any…Ah, Jung Jungkook!"

"See?! We're finally getting somewhere!"

"He's not here."

"Where is he?"

"I don't know, but you can probably call him on his phone."

"What are they to each other?"

"Boyfriends? I think they're in a relationship."

"…."

"…."

"He did say he's taken."

"They fought or something?"

"I don't know…we're not that close, but come to think of it, I haven't seen them together lately so maybe…"

"They broke up!"

"Has anyone seen his phone?"

"No. You?"

"No."

"Marie, go search for it downstairs."

"Why me?!"

"You barely had any. You're soberer than everyone who’s downstairs."

"Fine, I'm going, but you owe me!"

Taehyung's face replaced the back of the head of the guy they called Andrew and even if I still thought I was losing my mind in the limbo the drug had created for me, I could still clearly see V's smiling face when he gladly asked:

"Did Jungkook break up with you?"

My body reacted as if he had just stabbed me.

"He did. Didn't he? Well…I will make sure he gets over you. I will make him feel good for you. Don't worry about a thing." He caressed my face with that diabolical boxy smile of his, and I swallowed hard.

I was cured.

The spell was broken.

I was no longer despairing in hell. I was the devil itself, and my skin was made of flames.

I grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back, stood up, almost fully conscious, and waited until I heard a bone crack and the scream that followed.

"Holly shit…"

"Grab him!"

"I told you! This guy’s dangerous!"

"I told you he doesn't like V! He's high out of his mind and he made him angry!"

"How? He only asked if that Jug guy broke up with him?!"

"At least he ain't crying no more."

"Shut up! Get someone to bandage him up quickly! Or realign his bones or something...Now, Johnny!"

Taehyung was gone just like that, and I was happier than I had been in a while.

I sat back down and with newfound awareness, looking at the guy who was now kneeling down by the couch in front of me.

"Thank you, Mole," I told him.

He smiled, turned around, and confessed to the others: "I dig him."

"Didn't I say he's something else?"

"I still think he's a bit weird."

"He's not weird for not letting you rape him!"

Mole patted my back and went back to his table. Saying:

"Play that song that I like."

I watched them playing cards for a while. That was until Johnny sat by my side with an exaggerated sadness on his face.

"You have no idea how much money I've lost just now."

"Where's mine?"

"Your money? Ah, in that bag over there."

He pointed to a black bag that was on top of the chair I sat on when I first came in.

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Weird."

"That's a given... but I mean. Don't you feel… happier?"

"No. Just lighter."

"Hmm…I don't mean to bring back any bad memories, but since ya don't seem to get the expected effects out of it anyway… what did V’s arm do to you?"

"He was happy Jungkook left me and he threatened to get close to him or worse. He…he pisses me off."

"Understandable but as Fred's guy, don't ya think ya should take care of ur customers a little more right now? I mean, ya got yourself a jackpot by walking in today, but that's thanks to V too, isn't it? Also, breaking peoples arms or chocking them is not the best way to resolve things."

"I guess…I will make it up to him somehow." That thought alone left a sour taste in my mouth. Not knowing where it even came from or why I considered it in the first place.

"Why did he break up with you?"

In my daze, I turned to look at his relaxed, casual smile while I felt the anger and pain that came up like stomach acid, but maybe it was the drug that helped me accept it and let flow back down like dark water before I said, "Because I accused him of doing something I expected him to do, that he didn't in fact do."

"Wow, you're not vague at all. I mean, all the details, too many…stop it..."

I sighed and felt the heaviness of my chest returning, which had me looking for a normal drink. When I couldn't find one close enough, I tried my best to explain,

"He asked me about drugs when he was going down on me." I felt Johnny straighten himself next to me, "so… I accused him of being a junkie. Then he said he only asked because he was having withdrawals. I felt bad. I apologized."

"That's good, good move." I looked at his smile with an exhausted look on my face.

"It'd be good if he didn't say he wants to get a job so he can buy his own weed…"

"You're buying his weed? Man, you're nicer than I thought."

"It's a long story, but bottom line is that I told him I was scared that he was only dating me for the weed, that's when he argued that if he got a job, it would solve the problem. Then I realized the problem was that I wanted him to depend on me as his only dealer so he wouldn't leave me."

"Ahh!"

"I didn't realize I wanted that either until it came out of my mouth. He accused me of being unfair in a way and then left. He hadn't talked to me since."

"Shit man, I'm sorry... but he had a good reason for being pissed…"

"I know."

"I mean, you… kind of did him dirty. And he ain't done nothing wrong."

"I know!'

"So what are you going to do?"

Since I was still buzzing, but way more conscious, I realized that his accent was slowly dissolving the more he talked. I decided not to bring it up since he seemed like a really nice guy.

"Fill his backpack with 'I'm sorry’ notes, follow him home to make sure no one hurts him, and drink until I die?" Was my honest, in one breath, response.

He wanted to laugh, but he didn't since he realized I was dead serious.

"Namjoon, do you want to play with us? First-round is on the house since you're a newbie."

"We'll play nice…in the first round."

"Not now. But he'll play the next one. Right?" Johnny answered in my stead, but then looked at me for confirmation which I gave without thinking, "Right."

They resumed doing what they were doing, and we resumed talking amongst ourselves, while our voices were muffled by the low music playing from a small player in the corner, their own conversation and laughter.

"That's not it. You need to let him know that you know exactly what you did wrong. Apologize to him in person and make amends."

"He got a job and probably, a new dealer by now…"

"Why you like that? It doesn't matter."

"I know it doesn't but I felt…more useful, I guess, hell if I know. Like he had to stay though I know he didn't. It makes no sense."

"It really doesn't."

He looked at me in disbelief and turned my face towards him before he spoke, "Listen to me. Do you think every junkie wants to date a dealer? Nah, man. That's more than the chance of getting caught and instead of being locked for being a junkie, he's locked for longer for being an accomplice to a bigger crime. He was risking his skin. And you blamed him for using it as a safety blanket? Because you were using as your safety blanket? What's wrong with you?"

"I…I never thought of it like that…"

"How could you think of it in any other way? Isn't it easier to get it from a stranger and then only worry about getting caught with it instead of hanging out with the freaking dealer twenty-four seven?"

"You're right, but…"

"But what? You thought he was in it for the free stuff? He got a job and kept it for how long?"

"Almost a month…"

"Then we can rule that one out as well. Again, what were you thinking?"

'I was thinking like my mom…my mom who only loved me as long as I kept going outside to get her drugs and beer…I was…'

"I'm an idiot."

He patted my back while I hid my face in my hands.

"It's not too late. Now that you figured it out, you still got time to make it right…Don't worry…"

"Where's my phone?"

"You're still not sober enough to call him now! Don't make it worse!"

"Where's my phone?!"

"I searched downstairs, but I couldn't find it." A woman suddenly answered me.

"Tomorrow, during the cleanup, it will turn up. Don't worry." Mole dismissed it and went back to staring at his cards.

I sat back down and asked him for a drink.

"But Johnny, no funny business this time."

"Got it. You won't have a good time the second time either if you ended up giving water to the mice during the first, anyway."

He went out laughing.

I grabbed the water bottle that I knew was plain old water and almost choked on it when Michael plopped down on the couch, a bit too close for comfort.

"Hey, big boy…"

"I thought my nickname was tall guy. When did it change?"

He leaned closer to my ear and whispered:

"Well, after I came back to my senses, I remembered how big you were, you know, down there…"

I shuddered at the memory and resisted the urge to shove him as far away as possible.

He seemed to understand my body language since he pretty much jumped back on his seat, which allowed me to take a sip while I watched him curiously when he pointed to his neck.

"I wanted to apologize for almost raping you, but since you fucked up my neck, I guess we're even."

I almost spit out the water.

"I'm Michael. Nice to meet you."

"Namjoon."

We shook hands and as if we didn't have the worst introduction already, he had to come closer to my ear once again,

"I get that you're all in love and stuff, but when you're in the mood, let me know. I don't mind a bit of choking as long as you don't leave any marks next time."

He loudly chuckled like a teenage girl and ran back to his seat. He picked up his cards and acted as if nothing happened.

'God, if you exist, end me now.'

I drank with Johnny for a few more hours, exchanged stories, and listened to all their favorite songs. I even played my free round of cards and lost. I didn't expect to enjoy myself so much, but in the end, I took a liking to them and they seemed to take a liking to me. I almost didn't want to leave in the morning, but after searching for my phone everywhere and having to call Fred from someone else's phone, I felt the exhaustion take over me even more when I was holding onto the black bag like a promise ring.

"I will give you a ride." Johnny offered.

"You're drunk!" Andrew argued.

"Just enough to get him home."

"Michael, I don't know if you remember, but you don't have a driver's license." Mole informed him in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Who said anything about driving? I will call him a taxi and I will ride it with him! That's how nice I am."

"Strike, take me home in your new car." I joked since I knew his car was at the mechanic's and the repairs alone were about to cost him more than the car's worth.

"Did you hear that, Johnny? One night together and he's already making fun of my miserable life."

"Where's Daniel?" Andrew looked for him under the bodies of two girls as if he would fit there.

"He's in the bathroom, he had too much ice cream."

"Again? I swear, the moment he smokes we should hide all food from a ten-mile radius."

"You want him to convince you to go with him to the nearest store and end up eating a full meal, plus dessert at an expensive restaurant, and then call me begging for cash since you both somehow forgot you only had a ten?" Andrew was laughing while he reminded him of this event and I laughed as well. Mole rolled his eyes at the story that he probably heard way too many times.

"Why are these people still here?" Strike asked, and only then did I notice he was looking at four people sleeping on the floor, right next to each other.

"They probably blacked out," I stated. "But I must ask again, before I also blackout on your floor, with a ton of money on me that will get stolen before I wake up… how am I going to get home?"

"Get a taxi!" Michael screamed from the kitchen.

"He reeks of weed and alcohol!" Mole pointed out and Johnny simply hugged me in his drunken stupor, "Sleepover."

"No." was my quick response as I lightly pushed him away. He laughed and then Johnny jumped on my back as I was trying to get away.

"I can drive you home."

A normal-looking, most likely sober Roxy walked in with a red purse on her shoulder and a water bottle in the other hand.

"Roxy, my love, you're still here?" Andrew asked with a honey-coated voice while he tried to get closer to her. She simply walked around him as if he was a piece of furniture.

"Where are the rest of the girls that you animals got up there?"

"They're asleep in Mole's bed! Well, in and next to what was supposed to be my bed as well." Johnny let her know with pride and then suddenly seemed to realize: "Where am I going to sleep?"

Roxy sighed and then got her car keys out of her luscious, tiny purse.

"You drank nothing again?" Mole sounded disappointed, but at the same time, looked at her as if she was an alien.

"You know I don't drink."

"Did you do…anything else?" I asked, a bit taken aback.

"No. I am here to work. By the way, when are you guys going to pay me? I want to go home."

"Here, here." Daniel suddenly appeared from the hallway and handed her some money.

"Thank you."

He then went upstairs while waving with little to no energy.

"Call to let me know you got home safe, love." Andrew used a weird voice again, but she ignored him by saying goodbye to Mole and Johnny instead.

"Drink lots of water. Are you coming?" It took me a bit to realize that she was speaking to me.

"Oh, yeah."

I exchanged goodbyes with Mole and Strike. Hugs with Johnny and Michael.

I followed her outside to an elegant, bright red, squeaky clean car. I told her the address and got my seat belt on when it hit me;

"Did you find a black phone by mistake? It's like this big and it has a crack on the back."

"No. Nothing. But someone might've stolen it, so I'd get a new one if I were you."

"Great."

I tried to relax in the fairly comfortable seat, but it was getting harder and harder to stop the world from spinning.

"How high are you?" She suddenly asked.

"Not that much anymore. I am mostly drunk."

"And what do you do when you're drunk?"

I dared look at a woman that had earned a type of respect I didn't know I possessed. After she walked out of a party where people were sleeping in vomit on the floor and I, myself was a mess, while she walked out with more money, looking clean, actually refreshed, and judging by her car, she would not give the money she's earned to anyone else like I was. It was as if none of it affected her. She had a luxurious car, a tight yet tasteful black dress on, and was so beautiful in a classy way that I spent enough time around her to see why they all wanted a shot at her. Not only to do her but to date her if possible. And yet, she picked me.

From the moment I walked in, she hit on me.

And now that I knew I was a special case, it made me seriously wonder why.

"I…hit things…" I awkwardly conveyed an amalgamation of past dreadful nights in a few words.

"Do you hit people as well?"

"I try…not…to."

"And after you hit something, what do you do?"

"I try to calm down and then I go to sleep."

"Hmm… I expected something more…monstrous."

She smiled, and I bit the inside of my cheek.

I actively stopped thinking about Jungkook after promising myself that I will listen to Johnny's advice instead of drinking myself to death or getting a restraining order, which left me strangely calm. It might've been what I consumed, but the possibility that he might forgive me raised exponentially in contrast with my previous plan.

'I've been with a woman before and I could do her since we're technically broken up, but… she's not…Jungkook.'

I looked out the window and spent most of the ride in silence until she turned the radio on. When she finally parked the car at 7 AM near Fred's place, it surprised me to find out that the door was locked and she didn't want to unlock it.

"You're no fun, you know that?" She unbuckled her seatbelt, got on her knees, caressed my thigh, and kissed me.

In my shock, her lips lingered on top of mine for a bit before I lightly, yet decisively, pushed her away.

"I will not cheat."

"You're not. He broke up with you."

"Who told you that?"

"Taehyung, when I was bandaging the arm that you broke."

She went in for a second kiss, but this time I was expecting it, so I kept her at a considerable distance before she got to make contact.

"Why are you turning me down? You don't like women in that way or what?"

"That's not it. I've been in a relationship with a woman before."

"Then why?"

"He did break up with me."

"That's what I keep saying, so why are you…"

"But I did not break up with him."

She stared at me with wide eyes, sat down, and unlocked the doors.

"Thanks for the ride."

Chapter Text

AN:' "---" ' This is for dialogue inside a thought. It will make more sense when you get to it. Thank you for reading!

This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

"You spent the entire night at the party that V got you in? And you lost your phone as well?"

"Yeah."

"And you met, what's their names?"

"Jonathan, Strike, Michael, Andrew, and Mole."

"I think I've met Mole before. Or maybe I just heard his name…describe him again."

He was washing the dishes loudly wearing an apron that I'd never seen before.

"He has medium black hair, way shorter than me, he's definitely older than me and he has that face that just tells you he's intelligent but slow."

"Hmm…"

"Sorry, but why are you wearing an apron?"

"Mona."

"Oh."

And then he turned around covered in the glory of colorful autumn leaves and strawberries which had me uncontrollably chuckling.

"Kid. Did they give you anything that you'd…die to try again?"

"What do you mean, mommy?"

He tore the apron off him in a swift movement with a sigh.

"I mean drugs, kid. Did they get you hooked on anything?"

"No. I actually had a terrible trip…"

"On what?"

"I'm not sure. I didn't ask. I was just happy when it was over."

He sat down before me and was looking quite apprehensive.

"Did it not occur to you to ask?"

"Don't worry, you will be the first one to know if I have certain…urges. It's just that I wanted some relief from…"

"From what?"

He handed me a cup of water and then started massaging my shoulders.

"Don't make me talk about him again…"

"I didn't. You reached that subject on your own."

I stopped his hands and just held it with my head hung down.

"I need to make him forgive me. I just don't know how…"

"Anything is better..."

"Than nothing. I know, I know…but I still don’t know how to prove I’m sorry without..."

He patted my shoulder then sat back down.

"What's the plan?"

"Wait in front of his house with a bucket of green?" I smiled a sad smile.

"That would've been a good idea if you hadn't accused him of being an addict leech."

"Oh…yeah…"

"And what if he comes and he won't talk to you?"

"I will haunt him until he listens."

"To what? What other apologies haven’t you written in your petty little notes?"

"Don't call them petty." I hid my face in my hands, realizing how exhausted I was.

'Ah right, I haven't slept at all.'

"A man apologizes face to face!"

"I tried! He ran away from me."

"Apologize sincerely, and then let it go. The rest is up to him."

Mona walked out of what I assumed was her room in one of her luxurious pajamas, spotting me through half-opened, half-awake eyes.

"You're here again? Do you know what time it is? It's…" She looked down at her phone, "Almost eight am? Where do your parents think you are?"

We unanimously agreed to ignore her without saying one word to each other.

"I think I should go sleep."

"Yeah. You should. Think it through after a good sleep, kiddo."

"He should think about getting another job…"

"Mona. This young man is the reason why you can use that machine to brew your coffee right now. I think he deserves your respect rather than you nagging at him every single time."

I had one more sip of water, then walked toward the front door before tying my shoelaces.

"That's why I am saying this! If I didn't care, then I wouldn't have. It's clear that his parents aren't…"

"He has no parents!"

The room got quiet. I looked at Mona with tired eyes and she looked like a deer in the headlights after finding out he had been scolding an orphan with silent pity.

"I'm sorry." She quickly spurted out with now fully awake eyes.

"It's fine. I'm used to it."

I turned around before I heard her screaming, "Wait, kid, don't go!"

I watched her run to her room, turning to Fred. Asking with my eyes, 'What is she doing?', his answer was a defeated shrug.

"Have this." She gave me an enormous package filled with expensive snacks of all kinds.

"Yes, this…thanks. But why?"

"You're a hardworking young boy and if no one feeds you, then you will end up scrawny and ugly looking like my brother."

"Well, excuse me!"

"In fact…" She went to the fridge this time.

"Mona, stop. He has food, I pay him. He's not a poor orphan!"

"I didn't think he was! I am just making sure he eats! He looks horrible and instead of water, you should've fed him breakfast! Didn't you just eat? Aren't you rude?"

"Yes, but he arrived after I ate and he said he…"

"You said he deserves more respect and you're not even feeding him. Look at him, he looks so…so sad!"

"He's sad because…" Fred bit his lip and looked into the distance, clearly giving up on stopping her.

"Miss, ah, Mona. I appreciate it, but you really don't have to. I've cooked for myself for years and even though I'm not great at it, it's good enough. And he really pays me a generous amount for my work and…"

"This is not about being paid, this is about staying healthy and plump!"

She wrapped a lot of food in plastic containers before simply handing them to me. If I didn't grab onto them, they would've just fallen to the floor.

"A taxi will be downstairs in five minutes, so look for it. Alright?"

"Alright."

"Now go and…. take care of yourself."

"I will…thank you."

A low, "Bye kiddo" reached my ears right before the door was slammed shut behind me and surprisingly, the walls were able to muffle the yelling that was now occuring in Fred’s place.

I went downstairs with no energy left. Hopped inside the taxi since I was too tired to walk back home and even though I wanted to refuse when the driver told me that the ride was being paid from the card of the person who called it, I accepted the kindness although it really could've been out of pity. I was sure Fred would set her straight, but after all, she seemed like the protective type regardless.

I fell asleep in the car for a bit until I heard the driver screaming from the front seat;

"Boy, wake up! We’ve arrived! And don't forget to take your stuff."

Then it happened...what had happened for the past weeks.

I'd arrive in front of my house with an unfounded, childish hope.

The naive dream was that Jungkook would be waiting in front of my house as if nothing had happened.

But something did, so no was there.

I unlocked the door and walked in.

No one was in the house waiting for me.

I carefully put all the food in the fridge, opened the snack bag, and ate one dark chocolate bar, and a piece of biscuit.

It surprised me how good it was and then I thought how much Jungkook would've liked it as well. So I closed it and threw it in the fridge for later.

Hoping that we'd make up soon enough so we could eat it together while watching a movie or simply because he was high and craving sweets.

I walked into the room my grandmother and I used to sleep in and slid into the new huge futon I bought with the extra money Fred gave me after he got back on his feet. He had bought new stuff and most, if not all, his customers magically returned without questions asked.

"You earned it." He told me.

I bought my bed with the broken bones, missing teeth, and blood from the guy I beat up.

And it was meant for two, but the other side had always been empty.

The other pillow has never been used.

But I kept touching it as if Jungkook would just appear if I did it tenderly enough.

What helped me fall asleep was pretending that my grandmother was in the kitchen cooking something and Jungkook was taking a shower and I'd just fallen asleep before he finished.

That usually worked.

This time, it didn't.

For a second, I considered calling him again then sat back down when I remembered that I've lost my phone.

I twisted and turned as the silence was taking bites out of me while I was still alive, but too tired to scream.

I turned on the Tv that I moved back from the living room just to have any sound talk over my thoughts.

Half an hour later, I was still wide awake.

I started changing channel after channel, reading a boring book and when sleep was finally overpowering my emotional pain, a romance movie started.

I turned the tv off and leaned against the wall with my legs stretched out under the blanket and with my eyes closed.

I tried the last thing I could think of before giving up and drinking myself into oblivion.

I started imagining his eyes, the feature of his face, and his thick dark brown hair. My hands caressed his cheeks and then his head. His eyes slowly closed right before I'd kiss his lips.

My hands would travel underneath his shirt and trace every line of his back and then squeeze his ass, which I would do just to push him closer into me and make him blush.

I'd hungrily start kissing his neck before taking his shirt off in a hurry since I waited for so long that whatever he was wearing pissed me off.

He'd tell me to slow down and I'd try my best. I'd suck on his nipple while sliding off his pants until they would hit the floor. He would shyly hold on to my shoulders as I'd palm his hard-on and leave bite marks all over his chest.

'Namjoon…' He'd breathe out as I would keep pumping him faster and faster and then slowly slide a finger into his backside.

He'd try to shyly push my hand away while he'd moan and moan.

Pretty soon, he'd come so hard that his knees would almost give out and I'd slowly lay him down and use the cum from my hand to prepare him more.

And that's when I started sliding my own pants down in both my imagination and reality.

He'd moan from the pleasure and the pain and he'd try to find a comfortable position while more fingers would go in and out.

'I've never done anything like…'

I'd hear him whisper which would get me to kiss him while trying to stretch him out as much as possible with my fingers.

'Does it hurt?' I'd ask after putting in four fingers and he'd say, 'A bit.'

I started stroking myself in real life until I was hard as a rock. I'd keep jerking off harder than I'd search for his prostate with my long fingers in my mind.

Sweat would roll off his body from the sheer pleasure. He'd moan louder than he usually does when I'd find the spot that would get his toes curling with my fingers and try to do it over and over again until he'd come again after I'd jerk him off with the other hand.

In the real world, the sounds of me beating my own meat were embarrassingly loud as my breathing increased and my mouth salivated at the image of him orgasming into my hand while me inserting my fingers into his ass made me bite my lips.

Then I'd use that cum to wet my own hard-on and then stick it inside him while he'd slowly tremble under me.

'It's too big…' He'd whisper and then try to tell me to stay still with one hand.

So, I would but I wouldn't be able to for long so I'd slowly get a bit further in while I'd plant kisses all over him.

'Wait, it hurts…' He said, but I've wanted to do him so much that I wouldn't listen and I'd just stick it in until there would be no space left inside of him. His tight muscles would wrap around my penis and it would feel like pure bliss.

'Not like my hand feels around my dick right now…' I pumped myself harder and harder when his face contorted from pleasure to pain as I'd start going in and out of him, unable to ever put it all in since it couldn't realistically fit.

But I wouldn't be able to stop…

'Namjoon, right there, harder please.' He'd beg with tears in his eyes as I kept drilling into him.

So I'd jerk him off while I'd continue to fuck him. He'd come again and again.

I'd lift his ass up and keep entering him as he'd try to take my hands off his hips, saying, 'I can't take it anymore…'

But I'd keep going and going until he'd be a mess on the floor, mixed with sweat and cum and I wouldn't have orgasmed even once.

I watched his suddenly pained eyes from overstimulation and exhaustion meet mine from under me, made me feel like I should stop but my whole body screamed to keep fucking him.

This had my real eyes snapping open and looking down at the still hard cock that was far from reaching climax.

I wiped the tears that slid down my face without my will, pulling my pants back up over my erection before I walked over to the fridge in a hurry.

I opened it and swallowed two beers as fast as possible.

Three beers later and half a wine bottle had me passed out on the cold kitchen floor with wet eyes and with a hard one that still hadn't died.

I dreamt that we were holding hands and talking about useless stuff by the lake, which had me smiling, but even in that dream, I could feel a deaf, never-ending ache in my chest.

I woke up the next morning because of the pain in my stomach that had me running to the bathroom to vomit most of the alcohol out.

'Never again…'

I looked around for my phone and reminded myself once again that I had lost it.

Knocking over some empty bottles that were still on the floor had made all the memories of last night hit me like a punch to the face. I put a jacket on, since grey clouds covered the sky. Walked out of the house to escape the dead quiet house and the fantasy that had literally turned against me.

At first, I lied to myself when I thought I should go to the grocery store, but all I did was check to see if Jungkook was there then left without buying a thing. I walked by the place he was working at, but I didn't see him so I checked by the lake next. Then walked until I was in front of his building.

I sat by the intercom like a lost dog and waited.

'He must have probably had a late shift at the grocery store.'

This got me to ask a passerby for the time just when someone opened the gate. Which probably made me look less suspicious since I was several feet away when that person first saw me.

To my relief, the person didn't ask whether I lived there or what I was doing when I told them to wait up and then sat down on the stairs by the building's entrance.

'He should be home soon.' That was all I was thinking about as I waited while my brain kept attacking me with all the possible scenarios.

'His brother might call the police. Jungkook might come home with another guy and I will just have to murder the guy who dared lay a hand on him. Jungkook will just walk in and ignore me. This might not even be his home anymore since he moved just to rid himself of me.'

No story my mind imagined ended well.

Probably an hour later the gate was unlocked, and he casually walked in wearing his uniform with an inexpressive face. That was until he spotted me.

He stopped and looked at me with parted lips. I got up as burned and was in front of him in a matter of seconds.

I started talking without thinking,

"Jungkook, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what I said and that I'm ready to do anything to make up for what…"

He walked to the right as if I wasn't even there, so I just grabbed his hand by instinct.

"Please don't go… I know I was wrong to think what I thought. I will assume nothing from now on and…"

He turned around to look at the hand that was preventing him from walking with empty reddish eyes.

'Where did he get…?'

"Jungkook, I am really sorry if I had offended you. It's just that I had a terrible…"

No words about my mother wanted to leave my mouth. So, I stopped talking altogether. 

He continued to stare at my hand as if he would burn it with his sight if he could.

Hesitantly, I let go.

He kept walking immediately up the stairs without looking back.

I stood there with clenched teeth and closed fists. Stopping myself from following him inside. Or saying anything that I might regre later. I just watched as he unlocked the door and went inside.

I wasn't sure what I was feeling.

Anger? Loneliness? Disappointment? Self-hatred? All of them combined with a horrible mixture of adrenaline that made me want to break the door and go after him.

But deep inside, I knew that it would only make him hate me more.

So, I retook my place on the stairs and continued to wait for Jungkook to come back until I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was Saturday and even if he had no school or work, someone must've told him I was still here and even if no one did, I wouldn't move an inch unless the police would force me to.

No one came near me though. People kept passing me by and I even saw his brother look curiously at me before he went out. I waited and waited.

'I'm hungry. I'm cold. And I probably smell like death.’ These were the thoughts that repeated themselves and changed in intensity with the passing hours.

I peed in the bushes when no one was looking, then I repositioned myself on the stairs.

His brother didn't come back and Jungkook didn't leave his apartment.

Saturday flew by, but Sunday went by like a snail that an ignorant child had stepped on.

It was nighttime when it started raining.

I was glad to be washed, and I desperately drank the water that was coming straight from the clouds.

Half my worries were solved. But the hunger was slowly making me sluggish and the cold had me trembling.

My mind soon emptied itself as I got rained on for hours until I fell asleep on the stairs.

When I woke up, an old woman was touching my forehead.

"You have a fever, young man. Why are you sleeping on the ground?"

"I am waiting for someone."

She made a disapproving sound with her mouth before she told me to go home. I said I won't go and then she just left.

Never to return.

My clothes were still damp and my face was probably red when Jungkook went out to go to school.

He saw me and after a long time, I saw some emotion making an appearence on his face.

"Go home." He told me and walked away.

I sat back down on the stairs and waited once again.

This time, it was a breeze. I ended up sleeping the rest of the day because of the fever and the hunger that had lasted long enough for my stomach to stop asking for it, since my body was doing a fine job at devouring itself.

When I woke up, it was nighttime again and someone was shaking me.

"Hi, there." I heard a man say.

"Hi," I answered in a daze.

"You don't look so good, have some water."

He handed me a bottle, but I turned it down without a proper reason.

"I don't know what happened and Jungkook won't tell me, but you must've caught a cold. How long have you been here?" It was then that I opened my eyes and realized that his brother was the one who was right next to me.

"Saturday morning, I think?"

"It's Wednesday."

"That's not possible. It should've been Tuesday…" I said between coughs.

"What difference does it make? You're sick and what you're doing is not normal. Go home. Call Jungkook on the phone or talk to him at school instead…"

"I tried. He won't talk to me…"

"I am sure there's some other way, though. A healthier way."

"I am not moving."

"You don't live here. The neighbors are…"

"Call the police then. I am not leaving."

He sighed and looked at his phone and then at me.

He called someone and then returned.

"Won't you at least come inside and have something to eat? Did you eat anything?"

"I am not moving."

"Fine, I will just bring you a blanket then."

"Thank you, but I'm fine."

"A mirror will be more effective then! Kid, just go back home!"

"No!"

"I swear to God…"

Jungkook's brother left, but not upstairs. He drove away, which made me confused if he saw me on his way out again or if he came here to check up if I was still alive.

I drank the water he left me then hugged myself to sleep, coughing. The fever was giving me nightmares I couldn't wake up from no matter how conscious I was in dreamland.

I did not know what day it was when Jungkook walked in from the gate with a plastic bag in his hand and a genuinely worried expression on his face.

"Get up."

I shook my head.

"Go home."

"No."

That short word was all I could say and despite that, seeing his face so close to me had me smiling inside.

He then tried to help me get up and I let him since I had no strength left. I was ready to oppose him after he'd had me walk to the front gate, but he was helping me go up the stairs instead.

"You're burning…" I heard him mutter under his breath.

"Where?" I asked, but he didn't answer.

"Can you stand while I open the door?"

I nodded, though I wasn't really sure. I leaned against the wall with a smile.

"What are you so happy about?"

"You're talking… to me." I struggled to speak since my neck felt like dry, raw meat, but I enjoyed it so much that I happily embraced the pain.

He looked at the floor and then back at me again.

"You have a cold, you haven't eaten in God knows how long and you pissed yourself in your sleep."

"Oh, I didn't notice." But I wasn't able to stop smiling as he tried to keep me standing by my waist and I somehow collapsed only when we reached the inside of the elevator.

He squatted down after he pressed a button and seemingly pushed some hairs out of my face, checking my temperature as well.

"What were you thinking?" He whispered and smiled a shy, sad smile as if mine was contagious.

"I will stay here until Jungkook talks to me?" I uttered.

"You're repeating yourself, you know that, right?"

"I am what?"

His face was going in and out of focus and I thought I saw tears on the edge of his eyes. The elevator doors then opened.

"Can you stand up? You're too heavy for me to…" He said that, but he tried his best to help me up.

I didn't want to tell him he almost wasn’t helping at all because I was too happy to feel him touching me. We wobbled towards his door and we somehow made it inside.

I stretched my hand out to touch him, but he walked into another room and left me standing in the hallway. I slid down on the black-tiled floor.

My eyes closed on their own, but a coughing fit had me jolting awake.

"Blow your nose with this." He handed me some tissues as I saw a door open not too far away and the sound of water running.

"You're taking… a bath?" I asked with the throat that hurt the more I spoke.

"No, you are."

I don't remember how I ended up inside the bathroom, but I became as aware as I could be in this state, sitting on the floor with my back against the bathtub as I felt him trying to pull the hoodie over my head.

"Can you raise your arms and keep them up, please?"

I saw nothing, but I knew he was standing in front of me, so I just hugged him.

He said nothing at first.

But when I wouldn’t let go, he spoke:

"You need to take a bath."

I hugged him tighter and then said "I am sorry."

"I know, but…"

"I'm sorry."

I felt his heartbeat faster and the jolts of him sobbing quietly.

"I know."

"I'm really sorry."

"Namjoon, you're rea…lly sick, ple…ase, just… le…t me…"

"I am sorry."

He was crying louder now.

"Namj..oon…rai..se your ar…ms, ple…ase!"

He tried to sound threatening, but it only got me to bury my face in his stomach and say it repeatedly until he let go of my hoodie and slid down to the ground with me.

"Why ..ar...e… you doing… thi...s t..o me?"

Big round tears were sliding off his face, and snot was oozing out of his nose.

He looked…

'So beautiful.'

"Don't cry." Is what I tried to say, wiping his tears away, but my hands were dirty so I only smudged dirt all over his face.

And after the initial shock, he hugged me back.

"You miss…ed sch…ool, the te…ache…rs are fu…rious a…nd, and eve…rybody… sa…ying th…at some…one had be…tean you up or wor…se…and th..en…"

"Shh…I am sorry. Don't cry…"

"I w…as…so…worr…ied and then, you just showed up! And th…en…"

He buried his own head in my shoulder then cried and cried.

"I am sorry." That was all I could murmur over and over again.

We stood like that for a while and despite hurting all over and feeling like my chest would tear itself open from the pain, I was still smiling simply because he was near me. If he would've gotten me inside his house and beat me up or killed me himself, I thought that I would have let him do it, still smiling.

When he finally collected himself, he got up and washed his face in the sink.

"Get in the ba…th. Plea…se…the water will get co…ld."

I watched him come back slowly, and I watched him smile when he saw I had my arms up.

He took my hoodie off and when he was fidgeting with my pants, the thought of doing it myself passed through my head. But then I looked down at his blushing face and I couldn't help but keep watching. Doing nothing else. He pulled both my pants and boxers down in one go while looking to the right.

Dirty thoughts bombarded my mind, but I found myself unable to act on any of them.

He then helped me get into the water and I almost pulled him in with me, but he slipped away.

"Just keep your head above the water."

He washed my hair and then my body as I kept kissing his neck and face every time I could.

Even if he was in and out of focus, I could tell he was trying not to cry again.

I looked down in the water when his hands touched my private parts by mistake and then flinched. I caught his hand and raised it up from the almost black water.

I kissed every fingertip that was covered in soap, and then kissed him on the lips when I saw him staring at me with surprised eyes.

He kissed me back.

And then I blacked out for a while.

When I came to again, the water from the bathtub was gone and he was above me, calling my name.

"Wake up, please…"

He was crying again.

I felt myself smiling before I embraced him all of a sudden.

I found out that I was naked until his clothed body covered mine.

"I should call an ambulance…" He said in passing, but I pulled him down as soon as he got up after saying that.

"No doctors. No ambulance."

"But you…passed out and…I can't…"

"No hospitals. No blood…tests."

"Why?" He innocently whispered and then I kissed his forehead and whispered back, "Drugs."

I felt him look up, but my eyes had closed on their own again and a violent cough came up without me being able to stop it.

I got up slowly and I let him cover me with towels.

It took a while, but I was finally laying down on something soft and I was warm after a long time.

He was trying to push something inside my mouth that tasted so horrible that it had my eyes snapping open just when I was about to fall asleep.

"It's medicine."

I swallowed everything he fed me and drank whatever concoctions he had laying around.

"Alright, go to sleep now." I felt the bed moving, and I was sure he was going to leave me alone again.

So, I just grabbed whatever he was wearing and pulled it towards me.

He fell back on the bed, and for a second, I could see his puzzled expression.

"Do you want to eat as well? Are you not warm enough? Or is it that…"

I sat up with all my remaining strength to hug him and then had the both of us land on the mattress with our heads on the pillows.

"You want me to sleep…with you?"

"Yes." was the word that had me coughing again.

"But… you're naked and…"

I used one hand to caress his hair and the other to keep him as close as possible.

"Alright, but let me turn off the light first."

I let him go and then felt him slip under the blankets.

I wrapped my hands around his waist, pulled him close, falling asleep for the next fourteen hours without having one nightmare.

Chapter Text

"How do you feel?"

"Like a truck smashed into me repeatedly."

"Really? You look so much better though."

"That's because you gave me antibiotics, didn't you?" Some contents of the spoon spilled onto the blanket, but his eyes were glued to the window at my right.

"Why are you asking?"

"Because I got better really fast and also, you gave me pills at the same time for four days."

"We have some… connections and, well, don't worry about it. Just eat. Also, don't worry about missing class either, I had them write a paper that excuses you for the past two weeks since you were, you know, sick."

"But I wasn't sick last week." I almost bit on the spoon and yet his hand kept holding it in midair.

"I know. Where were you, by the way? You weren't looking so good then, but at least you were at school, and then last week, you… weren’t."

The days I've spent drinking flashed through my mind then the party had me closing my eyes as if that could block everything out. All it did was give the memories a darker, better background. Then it hit me like lighting through the nervous system.

"Shit. Give me your phone!"

"Finish eating. Hey, don't get up so fast," My head went from right to left around his room but to no avail ", you'll make me spill the soup."

The half-eaten bowl got abandoned on the nightstand as he reached for his back pocket after I attacked every drawer and jacket.

"It's here." He informed me, followed by a small sigh.

I reached out towards it, but he immediately hid it under himself.

"Who do you want to call?"

"Fred."

"Fast answer. Why?"

"Because he does not know where I am and I missed all the appointments, so he's probably freaking out right about now. Give it, come on."

"Where's your phone?"

"I lost it."

"Where?"

"Ah… I don't… a…"

Any lie could have a hole I could accidentally fall into after one too many questions. So, I turned him on his belly and tickled him until he inevitably loosened his grip on the tiny device.

I grabbed it and used my weight alone to keep him under me as I punched Fred's phone number into the screen.

"Not fair…"

The back of his neck felt cold against my lips, and his ear felt slightly hotter. A high-pitched sound that I thought only women could make escaped from the depths of his neck while his hands tried to protect his ears.

"Hi, Fred? Yeah, it's me. Look, I am sorry for disappearing and all, but…"

He tried to slide from under me, so I playfully pinched his sides with a smile.

"How did you know? Oh, I said that but… oh, you just assumed…"

Fred kept cutting me off when I unconsciously massaged the back of his neck with my other hand, which reminded me of a pet that was going wild a second ago, only to go totally soft and compliant when the petting was right.

"Alright, I will… soon. Bye."

And the pet was angry again.

"Stop massaging me like that, it hurts!"

"Huh, why? I was told that I can massage really well."

"How? You're applying too much force."

"You must kid me, I am not applying anything..."

The phone slid from my hand on the bed as I got on top of him properly and started massaging his back.

"Don't use any strength."

"I'm not."

"Stop, just, ahh!" When I wouldn't let him go, he started moving right and left to keep his back away from my hands, which had me laughing.

"Fine, fine. At least, I tried."

"What did Fred say?" He mumbled before I got off him, preceded by a side embrace.

"Hm… he assumed that I was begging you to forgive me somehow. Apparently, I mentioned waiting in front of your place at some point, but I can’t remember when for the life of me. He figured I did that when I stopped turning up or something just as… depressing, anyway." My voice got quieter and quieter the more I explained.

"How could he be sure you'd do it for days?"

"He wasn't, which is why he checked up on me. It seems I was asleep when he did."

"That's nice of him…"

"Not really, considering he didn't leave me any damn food!"

"Would you have accepted any?"

"Of course not. But it's the thought that counts."

"That's exactly why he didn't."

"What would've been the point if I installed a tent in front of your place and had some barbeque while singing, 'I'm sorry' every five minutes. Would you have believed me then?"

"That makes sense in a twisted way… Since we're talking about food, yours is getting cold and…"

He slipped from my hold for a moment before I pulled him right back.

"Namjoon… I have a job I need to go to!"

"Just call in sick or something."

"No. That's not how it works, besides it’s a part-time job, so I will be back in four hours. Watch a movie or something."

"But I want to do something with you…" I whispered into his ear and licked it while I touched the warmth of his belly, moving up to feel his heart drumming against his chest.

"I need to… don't…"

"Hold still."

"You're still sick!"

His nipple hardened against my fingertips, his neck was turning red and wet as his breathing got more and more frantic.

"But you aren't."

Got inside his pants with ease, as his eyes shut and his cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink, slowly transitioning into the red.

"My brother…"

"Not home and you locked both doors."

"I will be late…"

"They'll forgive you."

Finally, my lips against his lips. But it felt so good I had to pull the pants down to his knees.

"Namjoon!"

"You complain about the way I massage, but you said nothing about how I massage you down there."

He was already half-erect when I touched it, so I jerked it into full hardness.

"How come you're so shy lately?" I asked between kisses, as his pre-cum was wetting my hand.

"That's because…" He covered my hand in a poor attempt at making my hand move slower.

"So soon? I don't think it's been a full minute…" I smiled and bit at the nape of his neck.

"I am… I…" Gazing at the mark I left with pride, I picked up the speed even with his hand still above mine. It was almost like he was helping me jerk him off.

His eyes fixated on the ceiling as his hand went limp when he orgasmed so strongly that I was a bit taken aback by the quantity of liquid left in my hand.

"Wow, this is a record even for you."

"Shut… up."

"You're too cute."

"Shut up."

He turned on his belly to hide while I wiped my hands with some tissues and simply watched him steeping in adorable embarrassment.

"Now really, were you this shy before? Did I do something or what? I mean, it's cute and all, but I don't think I ever saw your ears this red before."The more I watched him trying to pull his pants up from an unfavorable position and failing, the harder I got.

"Jungkook…" I whispered.

He visibly flinched with his pants still not covering his whole ass.

I sensed something was wrong, but I was enjoying all these reactions to the sick point that had me ready to tie him up and make him squirm mercilessly.

So I grabbed his bare ass and inserted my tongue inside his ear at the same time.

He wasted no time and ran off the bed, but I caught his neck in midair and had him with his back on the mattress, face under my face, and dick still unclothed on the edge of the bed.

He couldn't look at me so he closed his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

The eyes opened. Shifting from left to right and an almost entirely red face had me slightly worried."You always come fast. Are you really that ashamed about it now?"

"Not really…"

"Then what's wrong?"

"You did it so fast, so suddenly and I was not ready to…"

"Cum in a matter of seconds?"

Eyes shut, he admitted, "Yeah, that."

"Jungkook, you liked it, so it's normal that you…"

"I'm late for work. Really, I will get scolded and…"

"I'm not letting you go until you tell me why are you're so red. Did you catch my cold?"

"No, I'm just… I will tell you when I get back."A quick glance and I caught him trying to pull his pants up for the second time that day.

"You tell me now or I will do something to you that won't end with you only blushing."Eyes refused to stand still, but the voice was strangely slow and deep, "Fine. I am…"

"You are?"

"Sober."

"Sober?"

It clicked like a circle inside another circle. The crystal-clear white of his eyes and the new nervous mannerisms I've never witnessed before coupled with the reactions he had to every physical thing and clear lapses of judgment. It was all because of the anxiety that weed used to mask for so long.

"Yes."

"That can't be. Your eyes were red a few days, well, a week ago? I think. I'm losing track of time in this room…"

"Yeah, I got a friend to buy me from his dealer once, but then he said he won't go buy anymore since he was afraid someone would see him, so…"

"You've been sobering up since you couldn't get the number for his dealer?"He nodded."Do you want me to go…"

"No. Yes… No… I just want a dealer. Another… dealer."

"There's no point in meeting someone else if you've got me."I leaned against the wall and allowed him to collect himself properly.

"I know, but I still want… someone else."

"You need to pay on time."

"I know."

"And they might lie and give you less for more cash."

"I know." He was getting his uniform from the closet but I kept letting him know exactly how I was feeling.

"Fred wouldn't do that, but some of his guys do it anyway since most of them consider all new buyers to be newbies..."

"I know." He was stuffing it into his already full backpack.

"He can't check on everyone all the time."

"Of course not."

"And someone might try to hurt you since you are so… frail and… cute."

I could see him getting flustered again.

'But I want to see more of sober Jungkook. He's so different from how he is when he's high, though. Shit, I wasted full days doing nothing. I didn't even touch him once. Damn that fever…'

"Namjoon?"

"Yeah?"

"Eat your soup, take this pill after and watch some Tv. I will be back before you realize it… Why are you getting up?"

"To lock the front door."

"Right…"

'He makes himself look smaller and gets all red every time there is the slight possibility that I might get too close and touch him. Ah, I don't want him to smoke again. No. I won't let him. I will keep him sober for as long as possible and then, maybe, have Fred give him the green. That's the only person I trust to go anywhere near him. And if he somehow doesn’t have the money, he can just cut it from my pay. A win-win.'

"If you want to eat something else, check the fridge, and if my brother comes over…"

"Hide."

A small smile almost graced his lips, yet died halfway.

"No… Tell him you're sleeping over since your house is under renovations."

"Ah, I forgot."He ignored my antics and quickly slid his shoes on, and got up too fast to notice I was right in front of him.

"What?" He blurted out.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the front door.

"Kiss me goodbye." I blurted out as he took a step back.

"Huh? Now? I…."A chuckle escaped before the space between us reached zero millimeters, with one arm on each side of his face and our lips glued together in the next second.

I slid my tongue inside his mouth without hesitation but received no reaction as I filled every crevice and desperately demanded his tongue to dance with mine. It slowly did.

The kiss deepened and our bodies got closer and closer until I had one arm in his hair and the other around his waist.

When I pulled back since I wasn't able to breathe anymore, I spotted the string of saliva connecting us and eyes that were so unfocused that they communicated everything I wanted to know.

"You got hard again, didn't you?"I could tell exactly when he regained awareness of reality as it flooded his features with panicked embarrassment.

"No, I…"

"Let me check…" I playfully threatened, which had him running around me and getting stuck when he tried to find the keys in his jacket to unlock the door.

I simply glued myself to his back like a personal, skydiving instructor.

'Why are you like this when you're sober?'

That was all I could think of before I caressed his hard-on through the jeans and used the same hand to push his backside into my erection.

'I want to do you so badly…' The smell of his hair was distracting enough to mute the sound of the key making contact with the keyhole, it turning, which left me bewildered when the body that was so close vanished a second later.

Barefoot, in front of the opened door, unable to comprehend how I let him escape.

I locked it with the key he left behind and sighed when I turned around and faced the empty apartment.

'Four hours left.'

The soup was not enough, so I ate some snacks he had in the cupboards as well, and flipped the channels lazily after I took my pill. After two hours, I was ordering myself a basic phone and a burner. I filled the shipping address with Fred's address.

'I'm sure he won't mind if he pays for it. He'll deduct the money from my pay, though I haven't earned him a penny in more than a week and I probably won't for the rest of this one so…? Call it a present?'

I clicked send.

And checked the time.

'Two hours left.'

I sneaked a glance inside his internet history and found nothing of interest.

Thought this was probably my last chance to snoop thoroughly around his laptop, but I stopped myself from invading his privacy further and focused on the Tv instead.

Half an hour later, I was taking a shower and used that as an excuse for myself to peek through his closet.

'What is this? Ah, it's locked.' The tiny box tinkled a bit when I shook it.

And then… I smelt it.

'Weed? But it's like the smell that got ingrained it in. Hm… he hides it here probably, huh.'

Tried on some clothes, but they were too small so I flew to his brothers' room and randomly grabbed some black clothes.

Threw them on Jungkook's bed while I considered what expression he'll make if he found me completely naked on his bed.

'Nah.'

Settled on having clothes only from the waist down and took a nap before I heard the doorbell.

I did what any good dealer would do out of habit, which was to look through the peephole first, only to see Jungkook alongside his brother.

That had me running to his room, squeezing through his brother's shirt, and only after unlocking the front door like it was nothing.

I awkwardly exchanged greetings with his brother while Jungkook walked in without looking at any of us.

"So, I guess you two made up?"

"What?” Jungkook dropped an onion and turned around with wide eyes.

"Yeah. Friends fight sometimes too." I quickly gave air to his lungs.

"Indeed… I am Jung, by the way."

"Namjoon."

"Namjoon, I am sure you have a valid reason for wearing my clothes, even so, humor me."

"My house is…" My brain ran a million miles an hour and yet Jungkook's voice when he said what I should be saying in this situation got cut off by the image of his soft lips which didn't help. I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before it hit me. "Under long, horrible… ah… renovations." I faked frustration and walked as far away from him as I could.

"So you crashed at our place after you camped in front of our building and brought no clothes with you either?"

"Well… yeah."We simply stared at each other for a few seconds. 

Scratched the back of my head and walked towards Jungkook, who was still taking groceries out of plastic bags.

"What did you buy?"

"Vegetables, pasta, and some meat. Jung is a decent cook. He said he'll make us something."

"That'd be great. You're not that good at it."

"What do you mean?! You said you liked it!"

"I said it was edible."

He pouted. I smiled.

"Cook it yourself then."

"I would have, but you said…"

"Jungkook." I almost forgot his brother was also in the room until his sharp voice overpowered ours, not in volume as much as it did in tone. "Can I talk with you alone for a second?"

"Yes. Namjoon? Put the rest in the fridge?"

"No problem."

They went inside his brothers' room and the door swung shut behind them.

It took a while to figure out the place for every little thing, but after I finished, I ended up sitting down, getting swallowed and spit in the face by the silence.

'I can't hear a thing…'

A few torturous minutes later and the door revealed the two brothers.

Despite Jungkook being sober and far more expressive than I thought he could previously be, there was nothing on his face that betrayed any emotion this time.

"We’ll have dinner soon. I will call on you when it’s done."

"Thanks for cooking."

"Yeah, thanks." I faked a joyous tone as I followed Jungkook.

"My pleasure."

The sound of the door closing was my signal to talk, "What the hell did you two talk about?" I asked as quietly as I could, but with a hint of desperation in my delivery after I plummeted into his comfortable bed.

"Not much. He just wanted to confirm that we were only… friends."

"Huh? Why?"

"He thought it was weird that you waited for me outside for days and almost died, of course… and he thought you were looking at me in a… weird way."

"Weird, how?"

"I don't know, like… intense, it doesn't matter, but stop doing it."

"Ah, too much of a hassle. Just tell him the truth."

"Do you really want me to? I mean, he probably won't tell our parents, but he won't let me sleep over at your house anymore or actually… I don't know if he'd even be fine with it at all..."

"I take it back. He's never home anyway. It's better if he's oblivious."

"Oh, and he asked me to ask you how much longer you're staying?"

"What do you mean?"

"How long until your house renovations are over? Since he's going back to his girlfriend soon, but he has to take some of his clothes since he's going on a vacation."

I twisted my neck to look at him, dead serious as I could while he sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I am going to stay, hmm, let me see, probably…. forever."

"Huh?"

"Jungkook, did you forget that there's no house renovation?" I almost glued my mouth to his ear to make sure that his brother couldn't possibly hear.

"No. I mean, what do we tell him… If they supposedly started a week ago, then how long is an appropriate time?"Now that I was closer, he was no longer looking at my face, but at his own hands, as he fidgeted with his shirt.

"Until he goes on that vacation, you can come over to my place right after."

"Oh, ok."

"Jungkook?" I tried to regain his focus, as he seemed lost within himself.

"How was work?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Jungkook…" I urged him to keep going and to my surprise, it worked.

"But a lot of people came in today, it was only me on this shift, so I kind of… hated it."The more I observed, the more I concluded this boy was currently anxiety-ridden and dangerously close to another panic attack.

Constantly catching his breath, hands that wouldn't stay still, legs that were slightly shaking and the very air that was floating around him screamed, 'I can't calm down.'

I rested my hand on his own, which had him turn into a statue from the pure shock.

I barely kissed the side of his cheek before whispering, "After your brother leaves, you can get your stuff from Fred, if you want."He didn't say a word, instead, he nodded and bit his lip.

"But until then…" I grabbed his head and pushed him flat on the bed and collided our lips and then our tongues until I ran out of breath and he could finally complain, "Stop it… my brother might hear."

"He won't if you don't make a sound."I was leaning down for a second kiss when we both heard a knock on the door that had both of us frozen in place.

"Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes!"

"Okay!" He screamed with a strained voice and when we heard his brother open the fridge, it was the same moment we resumed breathing.

"He's a fast cook."

"He's probably making spaghetti or fried chicken. He's tired from work."I leaned against the wall above the bed and turned on the tv, pretending to watch while spying on Jungkook as he was fixing his clothes on the edge of the bed.

'I doubt he's not suspecting anything if he asked about the nature of our relationship, though…'

He started searching for clothes and I glimpsed at the box but decided not to ask about it when he headed for the door with the folded clothes in his hands.

"Where are you going?"

"To change… in the bathroom."

'Why?' is what I wanted to ask, but I remembered his brother was home and didn't press him on it.

'But why wouldn't it be okay to change when I am here, though? We're both guys. Actually, isn't it even more suspicious that he's not changing in my presence? So, why isn't he doing that? Maybe he doesn't realize that's what normal is?'

He returned a few minutes later and got some notebooks out of his backpack and carefully placed them on his desk, which got me wondering if he wanted to do his homework after we ate.

'That's weird. What the hell? He never does his… Is he avoiding me? Did he change in the bathroom, not because of his brother, but because he didn't want to be naked in front of me? Am I the one who's making him nervous?'

"Dinner's ready!"

"Coming!"

We exchanged a look.

"What?"I realized my mouth was hanging open only after I muttered nothing with unblinking eyes and turned the tv off.

We were eating in unbearable silence as I sensed Jungkook's brother's eyes watching every move I made.

"Great sauce, what makes it taste so different? Fresh tomatoes?" I tried, but while I was talking, both he and I knew I didn't really care for the answer.

"Fresh basil." 

"It's good."

"Thanks."

Jungkook washed the dishes, and I dried them up. Again, in complete silence, even if Jung had already said goodnight and was probably in bed by now.

He was the one to lock the door with the key when I sat down in his bed, yet he sat down at the desk and opened his books without saying another word.

I turned on the tv and opened a novel I found hours ago.I couldn't bring myself to pay attention to neither form of entertaiment.

Holding myself back from saying or doing anything until it I couldn’t bear it anymore, and felt a visceral need to be closer to him while he was just a few steps away. The tug and pull that went inside my chest had me kicking the blanket like a stupid child.

"Jungkook, come here," I demanded, without looking his way.

"I'm not finished. You go to sleep first."

"Jungkook. Come." When I acknowledged the fact that he wasn't moving, I added, "Please."He got up and walked towards the bed, but didn't sit down.

"Did I do something you didn't like?"

"No… why?"

"You're avoiding me."

"I am not, I am only doing homework."

"Then why won't you come any closer?"

"I told you, I am doing…"

"Homework, I heard you the first time. I wasn't talking only about now… Whatever, when will you finish it?"

"I don't know, but I am not done yet."

"I will help you do it tomorrow morning. How about that?"

"It's fine, I'd rather do it by myself." He deemed the conversation over.

And sat back down in his chair.

A high-pitched sound that only dogs could hear was now ringing inside both ears, and a dull ache penetrated me repeatedly.

'What did I do? Did I do anything? Isn't it because he's sober? Is he having withdrawals again? Nah, he said he's been sobering for weeks now, so what's wrong? Is it because I touched his ass? Does he think I am expecting him to lose his virginity with his brother in the next room? Is that why? But he was like this earlier today as well…'

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I couldn't figure it out on my own, so I squatted by his side, gazing at his obvious discomfort with controlled worry.

"Did I do anything wrong? I won't do it again if you tell me…"

"I told you there's nothing wrong!" The contained scream had me tilting my head.

"Jungkook…"

"What?!" The angry tone couldn't mask the same panicked eyes he had earlier today.

"Is it because you're sober?"

"What… is…" He instantly dissolved, and all irritation fizzled out like a pill in a glass of water.

"This introversion and restlessness. Is it because you're no longer high?"

"Yeah… I'm a bit more anxious than usual…"

'This is only a bit for you?' I bit my tongue.

He continued, "Am I freaking you out?"

A glint of shame colored his features, which had me clasping his hands.

"I think… I think you're adorable, but you don't feel well, do you?"

"Not really…"

"Answer me honestly, are you like this around everybody else or just around me?"

"I can avoid everyone else and I don't have to talk much with anyone, anyway... but it's not that I want to run away from you. You see, everything feels so… intense and sudden, and when you get too close, I get a bit scared…."

"Why?"

"I… don't know."

"You're scared that I will do something that hurts you?"

"No! No…"

"What's wrong then?" I smiled as I hugged him and though I was sure he wasn't able to relax entirely, he stood still and buried his face in my shoulder.

I was sure he would not talk, which left me enjoying his presence when I heard him saying: "I like… you."

My heart was banging its imaginary head to metal rock. It made me a bit embaressed.

"So… when you do things to me… like, you know, dirty things I can't… help it, but… I don't know… it's like…"

"You want to keep doing it?"

"Keep doing?... I mean… I don't want you to stop unless when it hurts… but I don't know what to do when it doesn't and I can't do anything because I can't move…"

"Well, I do like holding you still…"

"It's not that. I just… freeze and then I feel bad because I couldn't do anything for you and I can't do anything because I'm scared since I never…"

Shaking in my arms, it tempted me to examine his expression, but I didn't want to let him see me smiling from ear to ear either.

"You don't have to do anything."

"But, I should…"

"Breathe, moan, and orgasm…"

I could feel him tensing up at my words, which made me smile so hard that my entire face hurt. When the silence was going on for too long, I resumed talking, "Watching you and causing you pleasure is enough. I will try to stop when you say it hurts. Well, unless it should."He gasped for air and I could tell he wanted to say something, yet didn't.

"And about me, well, it takes too long for me to cum, anyway."

"Stop… talking about it like… that."I finally let go and watched his blushing face with a smile that I wasn't able to erase.

'Ah, god fucking… damn it all to hell…'

I leaned closer and whispered in his ear while I held onto his shoulders,

"The only thing you can do is to let me put it… inside of you." His eyes got wide, attentive even, and his breathing slapped my skin when he exhaled. I continued, "I will be patient until I am sure you want me to be inside you as well, so you have nothing to worry about. Yet." I placed a peck on his burning ear, got up, patted his head, turned the tv off, and covered myself with the blankets with an undying smile plastered all over my face.

Sleep embraced me after a while, but I didn't hear him move an inch the entire time I was awake.

In my dream, I had to go back to class and everyone thought I had killed someone while I was away. I couldn't blame them since I was covered in blood, but I didn't care what they were saying about me. All I cared about was what Jungkook thought, still, I couldn't find him anywhere. When I finally got the door to the roof, I heard,

"Jungkook wake up! I have to go! Wake up!"

"What the fuc…!" A hand was covering my mouth, which made my eyes open in surprise.

'This is Jungkook's ceiling, right?'

"I am up!"

"I left breakfast on the table!"

"Thank you!"

"Bye!"

"Bye…"

A few seconds later, the door got slammed shut, and my mouth was free again.

The alarm went off, but he quickly turned it off before he attempted to leave the bed. But I simply caught him, pulled him back, and cuddled him from the side.

"Good morning."

"Morning…" He whispered.

"What time is it?"

"Six forty? Seven?"

"Hmm…" I continued to hold him with my eyes closed.

"We need to shower and eat." He stated after he cleared his throat. I buried my face in his neck, and the vibrations of his voice when he talked felt almost ticklish."I finished my homework yesterday, so we can take some of your stuff and clothes before we head to school."

"Let's stay in bed."

"But…"

"You got me an absence sheet thing and you haven't skipped in a while. Let's stay together… at least today."

'Before you get high again.'

I almost fell asleep when he tried to push my hands away.

"What?"

"I need to go to the bathroom."

I sighed and watched him leave.

'He escaped again.'

It was that exact moment when how much time I've spent alone in the past couple of days dawned on me. Sure, he had school, work, and he only interacted with me between naps to feed and medicate me. Though it made sense, he didn't sleep in the same bed when I was sick. Hell, I couldn't remember one instance of seeing him change or use the desk either, if anything….

'Maybe he didn't really forgive me? But he said he liked me so…'

When I opened my eyes next, the bed was still empty. No. The whole room was vacant. The phone was still on the nightstand as if he had never returned.

'It's ten already?'

I found him studying in the kitchen with a full, untouched chocolate bar collecting dust on top of a notebook.

My lips parted, but no words came out.

"You're awake?" He asked without looking.

"Yeah." I sprinted towards the fridge, opened it, and stared at it without seeing a thing.

'I can get him green in a heartbeat, but won't he have to be sober at the end of the year, for exams? Will I have to go through four months of…' Turned around and looked at the boy that positioned himself in such a way that it seemed like he was so busy, but the almost empty page said otherwise, 'This? I mean, I can force myself on him… but I feel, somewhat… alone. Like there's a wall between us that I can't break. Is weed that effective on him? Is that how he could look me in the eye at all? Ever?'

"Namjoon?"

"Yeah?"

"Close it."

"What?"

The sound of the fridge's alarm reached my ears at last. I thought he'd ask why I was staring at him, saying nothing, but when I turned back around with no prepared excuse, I saw him back in the same position that was meant to keep me away.

'I know it's not his fault, and it's not mine either, but why, does it hurt so much? I don't know what to do… Help me Jungkook. Besides weed, what can I do?'

"Let's go watch a movie."

"Huh?"

"Or take a walk in the park, or around the block."

"Why?"

"Why not?" I tried to keep my tone casual, but I was screaming inside.

"I mean, I don't have a reason, but if you want to go out, shouldn't we go to school instead?"

"Nah. What would you like to do?"

"Me? I…" His gaze wasn't stable again, his fingers played with the pen unconsciously.

"Are you craving anything? Or we can just go to karaoke and sing our heads off. I am throwing ideas at you. Do you want to go anywhere in particular?"

"I don't… think so. I want to… maybe, we should stay… here."

I collapsed on the chair in front of him and smiled as warmly as I could.

"Alright. Do you want to do anything?"

"I should… study."

"Do you want to do it together?"

"Sure…"

His forced smile made me forget to censor my words, which had me blurting out what I thought, "You don't want to be in the same room with me, do you?"

"What?"

He looked up and if he was on the defensive passively before, now he was actively chasing after me when I stormed into his bedroom to search for my clothes.

"I said I wanted to study with you! I am only anxious for no reason, it has nothing to do with… what are you doing? Stop." He tried to take my own clothes away. I allowed him to and took my shirt off instead. I took advantage of the second he looked away and snatched my clothes right out of his hands.

"Namjoon, I am sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean…"

"Relax, I am just going to go get your weed."

"What? Why now? And I said I want another…"

"Then dress up and come with me. Fred will love to see you again."

'Jungkook, I know you are unaware, but your eyes lit up.'

Plain to see in bright daylight, it was all over his face. The desire to get his fix at war with having to go outside and straight into a dealer's place.

I took my pants off.

He turned around as he had never seen me naked.

I sighed and picked something out of his closet.

A muffled screech escaped when I lifted his shirt up from behind. It surprised me when he actually pulled it back down in response."You want to go out like that?"

I pointed to his striped pajamas with a dry grin.

"… I… no…"

'You thought I was about to do something else, didn't you? Ah, how did I forget? This is how you were when we were children as well. Why did I ever think you’ve changed? You fooled me. This type of behavior made me want to beat up everyone else, so they wouldn't lay a finger on you. But now… that I have your permission, I can touch you. Can't I?'

Jaw clenched and hands rigid, I undressed him with harsh movements. This time, he let me, though he was clearly ashamed.

I kissed him when he was too busy avoiding my stare.

'Jungkook. This is you. I'm finally seeing you again. I missed you.'

I picked him up and dropped him on the bed.

The wide eyes and messy hair quietly asked questions his mouth wouldn't voice.

'So damn much…'

I kissed him again and then laid there on top of him. With his bare chest against mine, in a tight, non-sexual embrace.

"Namjoon?"

My eyes shut on their own."Please… stay still...like this, just for a little while."

Silence followed and then a shy, "...okay."

Chapter Text

"Can I hold your hand?"

A quick nod was enough, yet his hand remained flat inside mine.

I made sure we walked through the only park on the way to Fred's house. The sun was burning the top of our heads and the desire to drink something cold had become our top priority the second we saw a small drink stand after walking around aimlessly for a while.

I wasn't sure if he realized I was not trying to get out of the park at all, yet didn't complain. I avoided telling him how I was purposely avoiding all exits.

"An orange juice with lots of ice. What do you want?"

"Lemonade." He whispered from behind me. This time clutching my hand as if the woman serving us was dangerous.

"He'll have lemonade with lots of ice. Thanks." She handed us drinks after a bit and even waved as we were leaving. He walked faster in the opposite direction as if she just swore.

"Jungkook, how about we sit for a bit?"

"No…It's too hot."

"That's why we got drinks. Come on, only for a little while."

He shifted his weight from one leg to another while chewing the end of the blue straw.

I pulled him towards a green bench under a tree and kept holding onto his hand even when we were both sitting down.

"I don't like it."

"What?"

A tiny ice cube hit the back of my throat painfully.

"The sun."

"Oh," I coughed, "just think of it like taking in vitamin D."

"What the heck?"

"It's the best source for it and you only need to have it for fifteen minutes a day."

"To get a tan?"

I smiled and pulled him closer.

"No. To absorb everything you need from it. It's good for your bones, your immune system, it prevents a lot of diseases," I stated, "...and depression." I mumbled while looking in the other direction.

"Hmm…" He loudly finished the rest of his drink and looked for a bin.

"Jungkook?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you plan on doing for exams at the end of the year?"

"Study. What else?"

"I mean, can you study when you're high?"

If he was looking at the sky before, his head now snapped in my direction. I controlled the urge to meet his gaze and pretended to have my attention grabbed by something in the distance.

"Why do you ask?"

"No reason. I was curious."

No other word was spoken.

I squeezed his hand with force.

"Aw, why did you do that?"

"No reason."

I grinned and stole a peck on his cheek.

His hand went towards his face by instinct and his drink fell to the ground.

"We're in public." He whispered as he tried to reach for the drink.

"And?"

"What if someone sees?"

"Let them see."

"We're holding hands too. Don't you think it's…"

"It's what?" After he sat back down and realized my unkind expression, he simply looked down.

"Nothing."

I sighed.

"You can speak your mind you know? I won't bite. Just say you don't want to hold my hand." I abandoned the drink by the foot of the bench.

"I don't mind…"

I twisted my neck to check for his expression but nothing on his face betrayed anything. This had me deciding we should walk around holding hands some more.

One thing led to another and we ended up talking about different kinds of flowers after he wanted to jump the small fence to smell one.

"Roses are the best."

"They are so generic though. I think I got sick of them just because they're everywhere." He pointed out.

"Any flower you can eat is good in my book."

The smallest smirk graced his lips.

"That's not something I thought I'd ever heard from you."

"I mean it. The ones in my garden? I make jam with them."

"You're kidding…"

"No. That's the kind of sweets you should be eating. That is h-e-a-l-t-h-y."

He feigned being appalled. Letting me know:

"Milk and cacao? Calcium combined with an antioxi-dat." He argued, "How do you say it? Antioxidant, right? It sounds weird."

"It's correct. You're just not used to saying it, that's all."

"I guess." He threw away our drinks while I continued,

"They'd be healthy if they weren't drowned in sugar and processed, mixed with other chemicals to the point that you get almost none of the benefits you'd get f you were to consume them in their natural form."

"I don't care, they taste good like that."

I facepalmed.

"You should. Healthy means your mood improves, your body feels better too, and…"

"But chocolate!" He moaned with nostalgia.

We walked at a slow pace as the shadows that the tress created. The light covered, and uncovered his face.

"I am not saying you shouldn't eat it ever. But daily is…"

"I am not eating it daily!"

"Who do you think you're talking to? I've seen you eat for years."

"Aha!" He pointed his finger at my nose, "Who's lying now? We haven't hung outside the bathroom before we got together. Not even once."

"That doesn't mean I didn't see you eat chocolate during breaks, or buying it at the mart…"

"Stalker." He retracted his hand, looked to the ground once again, but I could've sworn that he looked brighter than before.

"I can cook something sweet and healthy for you," I concluded.

"You're not that good at cooking." He whispered, but I heard every word.

'You're not the one who should be judging me when it comes to cooking.' I thought with dread.

"Maybe if we do it together then we have a chance at making something tasteful?"

"Isn't that the exit?"

"What? Oh, yeah."

We were actually on our way to Fred when our hands got sweaty and I had to inevitably let go.

I thought he was more than fine with it since there were way more people on the street than there were in the park.

"Hey, open up, it's Namjoon!"

When Mona answered it, I felt a shiver down my spine like acid that fizzled just enough that it made the tips of my toes feel weird.

When we got to the elevator, Jungkook appeared fidgety again.

'Maybe it will make it worse, but I have to warn him.'

"Jungkook, don't be alarmed. But Mona, Fred's sister is a one of a kind…woman. You should ignore most of what she says. She doesn't mean any harm or…. Actually, let Fred stop her if she exaggerates."

"Exaggerates, with what?"

The doors of the elevator lazily opened and revealed Mona herself dressed in a long dress with a strawberry pattern, holding the door to their apartment wide open.

"What are you guys waiting for? Hurry up."

We jogged inside and while we were taking our shos off, Jungkook kept sending me panicked glances.

"And who are you?"

"He's…"

"Jungkook! I am so happy to see you again!" Fred didn't hug him, but got in front of Mona and squeezed his shoulder with a grin full of affection.

"Me too." His voice was ten decibels lower.

Mona watched us with a scowl on her face.

"Sit down now."

We took the seats by the counter and watched the pan smoldering on the stove, he continued unbothered, "Do you guys want anything to drink?"

"No. We're here just for…"

I was sitting at Jungkook's left and I could only see part of his face, but I had a good shot at the wide eyes and straight lines freezing on both Fred's and Mona's faces for a moment when Jungkook couldn't continue his sentence.

Fred chuckled. She tied her apron, turned her back to us and her face towards the pan.

"Wine it is then."

That's when Jungkook's leg started bouncing at a fast pace.

"Wine in the middle of the afternoon?!" Mona pointed out accusatorily.

"It's fine. It's fine. White wine goes well with fish. Didn't you say so?"

"Hmph." She swiftly turned around in one motion and continued to do what she was doing.

'Fish? That's fish? It doesn't smell or look like it?'

"So, are you two having a good day?"

"The sun baked us alive."

"That's why you should've offered them some iced water instead." We all heard her pointing out before she opened a window.

Fred ignored her.

"Do you not like white wine, Jungkook?"

"Oh, no, of course, I do." He lied and forced himself to take the smallest sip out of the bitter wine. Ending his farce with a boxy smile.

Fred laughed and got him a glass of juice with ice right beside it. Jungkook didn't say anything, but his leg stopped just for a second when he saw him leaving the glass in front of him.

"What fish is that?" I pointed at the black thing she was peeling off and placing on a plate.

"Fred thought that it needs to be crispy."

"Oh, so you're the one who cooked it?" I tried not to choke on the wine while a clear laugh escaped without my consent.

"Hey, I don't like fish. A steak. That's something I can get behind."

"That and a heart attack." She hit the coal-like fish with the fork and it made a sound that no meat should make. "That's it. I am ordering."

"No. You are not spending more…"

He followed her into her room with a concerned look.

Since we couldn't hear them and they probably couldn't hear us over their own bickering, I grabbed Jungkook's speedy leg with a little bit too much force.

He looked at me with almost fear.

"What's wrong?" I asked calmly.

"I didn't think we're going to stay over for a long time…"

"You don't like Fred?"

"It's not that I don't like him. I am just…"

"Nervous?"

He nodded.

"We will eat and then we'll…"

"But I want sushi!"

"Anything but that! Pizza, burgers, anything with rice and…"

"Scallops, swordfish, and shrimp."

"Why must you always eat the most expensive things?"

"Why must you always be a cheapskate?! You have lots of money!"

"I would have more if you didn't buy yourself a running mill, a new dresser and so many clothes that…"

"Look at these two."

Suddenly, she flowed behind us, checked our arms, and decided to reveal Jungkook's to an annoyed Fred, "He's just flesh and bones. What are you going to serve him? Them? That burnt fish? It's his first time here as well."

He massaged his temples before he handed her the phone.

All we could hear as she disappeared into her room again was, "Hello, yes, I would like to order…"

"I hope you guys are hungry because you're about to eat your weight in seafood."

He poured himself a glass of wine with a sour look.

I jokingly said, "We appreciate that you're treating us."

"Of course, you do." He muttered under his breath.

Jungkook tried to unglue my hand off his leg and when my hand didn't move at all, he clearly uttered, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?"

"Go to your left and then make a right. It's the first door you see."

"Thanks."

My hand was now touching the warm seat.

"How's business going?" I felt the need to ask.

"Everything is fine." He deadpanned and yet downed the whole glass of wine like it was nothing. "But it doesn't matter, she would spend everything in less than a month if she could."

I probably looked concerned since he quickly added, "Don't worry. I can pay everyone their share. That's a different account and deal altogether."

"Oh, I wasn't thinking about myself. I am actually worried about you."

"How come?" His eyebrow arched before his eyes switched their focus from me to the locked door of her bedroom.

"You don't look…good."

"She's been going through something…but she doesn't want to talk about it. She thinks spending money will make her happy. I don't think it does but what else can I do?" He whispered and we suddenly meet each other's eyes by mistake which had me confessing,

"I get it. I truly do. I understand what you're going through and I feel for you…"

"Why? What does Jungkook think will…Ahh…. I know."

He smiled a sad smile and poured himself another drink.

"What else can I do?" I repeated his excuse and looked towards the empty hallway.

"If all goes to hell, can you be my brother?" He joked.

"You know that I will be missing a boyfriend, right?"

"Brothers is as far as our relationship will ever go, kid."

We both tried a cheeky smirk before Mona came out of the bedroom spinning in her long flowy dress, handing the phone back to her brother.

"They'll be here in ten minutes. You're going to love it. They've got your favorites and it's all fresh."

"I'm sure I will." He answered with kindness and I could see that the small smile that unconsciously formed as she watched her throw the burnt fish off the plate with a single flower on it, was genuine.

'She does look happier.' I found myself thinking.

"Where's Jungkook?" She casually asked.

"In the bathroom. I'd better check…"

"No. I'll go." Fred suddenly offered before I got the chance to leave my seat.

Full minutes passed before they returned. When I asked him about it quietly, he simply shrugged his shoulders.

"Jungkook, I don't think we've introduced ourselves properly. I am Mona." She reached her hand and he hesitantly shook it.

"Nice to meet you."

"Are you doing the same job as Namjoon here?"

"Mona, he's not…"

"Then how did you guys meet?" She cut him off.

"You're being rude." Fred bit back with clean plates in his hands.

"Isn't it a normal question? Why is it rude?"

"They're classmates." He told her.

"We're together," I told her.

"Together as in…together?"

"Yes." I hugged Jungkook from the side and kissed his forehead.

Her eyes lit up before she clapped with excitement.

Fred however was trying to find cutlery in a fully stacked drawer right behind her when I said this. Now, he was looking at us from his bowed position with both shock and frustration all over his face.

"That's great. For how long?"

"Why did you tell her, she won't stop asking ques…" He protested with cutlery against his forehead.

"How long have you known each other? Who confessed first and…"

Jungkook seemed to be moving towards the edge of his seat as she came closer and he straight up used my arms around his shoulders as a chair when her hands touched both his cheeks, holding his head still as she concluded, "You have an angel-like face? He's like a mountain. So, why?"

"Mona!"

"A few months. Since we were little and he did." Jungkook spoke so fast that I thought she didn't understand a word, but to my surprise, she did.

"So romantic. But...he hunted you down, didn't he?"

"Kind of…" I laughed since I immediately realized he would tell her anything just to get her to stop touching him.

"Mona…" Fred dragged her by the colorful apron before the intercom started ringing.

"The food is here!"

Fred was left with the apron hanging from his hands while she ran to unlock the doors.

"Forgive her. She's had a really bad childhood and…"

"Not a problem." Jungkook quickly spurted when Fred grabbed his hands in a pray-like position.

"Please don't hesitate to come over. I will make sure she's out shopping."

"It's fine, really." He tried to reassure him awkwardly.

"She's really nice when we're outside. How about we get them to the restaurant we always go to?" He looked at me for confirmation.

"Of course," I said with a grin still plastered on my face.

The food was nothing short of delicious and probably one of the most expensive meals we've ever had. Besides the good quality, there was the amount and Mona forcing all of us to eat continuously while lively narrating embarrassing stories about Fred when he was a child after she had too much wine. I couldn’t recall since when, but Jungkook was honestly laughing beside me.

We left. No. We escaped with full bellies and we both sent her one clear message; "We don't want the leftovers, in fact, we don't want to see seafood for at least two months. But we are very grateful for having it today."

Fred understood. Mona didn't. Hence the rushed goodbyes and him holding her back while she drunk-like threatened to throw the bags and all we had to do was catch.

We went to my house in a good mood and halfway, without even realizing it, it dawned on me.

"Wait, Jungkook. Your weed!"

"I got it." He pointed to his back pocket calmly.

"When?"

"He gave it to me when I was in the bathroom."

I stopped dead in my tracks and watched him walk several steps ahead with a foreign feeling in my throat.

One hour later, the same feeling settled and transformed from a baby poisonous snake to a winged monster scratching my insides with indifference.

'Who are you?' That is what I wanted to ask.

"Do you feel better?" That is what I actually asked.

Red eyes were blinking at me without being able to focus on my face.

"Much better," Jungkook answered happily.

"Glad I could help."

I poured myself a glass of water from the kitchen.

"Hey, Namjoon?"

I turned around and saw him grinning from ear to ear at the wall.

"What?" I grinned back without meaning to.

"Do you have any sweets?"

"Oh, I don't think I do…"

I remembered the sweets I got from Fred's sister immediately, which is why I opened the fridge, hid the bag inside a pot, and covered it with a lid.

"I'm craving strawberry chocolate."

'How can you still eat?'

"I will go buy some then."

"Can I watch Tv in your room?"

"You know you don't even have to ask."

He slid the backdoor shut and got up slowly. So slowly that I got near him in case he fell over.

'He looks too high for once. I guess it's because of his tolerance ...'

"What?" He asked, all shyness gone.

"Anything else?"

"Else? What?"

I imitated him when he started chuckling again, but I wasn't feeling happy in the least. My hands were tingling and my head felt full without me thinking at all.

"I am going to the store. Do you want anything else?"

"Oh, that. No."

I watched him pass me by while holding onto the wall, and then I unconsciously followed him inside the bedroom. He pretty much threw himself on the futon and then looked around for the remote without sitting up.

"Where is…" I handed him the remote and a glass of water. "Thanks."

"I will be right back."

He tilted his head and turned on the tv. When I got out of the room, I saw him smiling at a detergent commercial and then my eyes noticed his exposed stomach. I swallowed and walked away.

"Namjoon!"

"Yeah?!"

I didn't want to go back since I felt my whole body burning with some kind of anticipation I knew shouldn't exist.

"Ice cream!"

"Which kind?!"

"Chocolate!"

I was tying my shoes when my hand trembled.

"Obviously…"

"What?!"

"Nothing!"

I locked the door behind me, though unsure if I was just trying to contain Jungkook in one place or protect him from the outside world. Knowing fully well that he could unlock the backdoor without a key.

I didn't rush towards the store. Mildly worried as I was. In fact, I was walking so slow, that I started wondering if it was going to get darker before I'd get back.

'Am I mad at him? Should I be? Or at his anxiety? He's just self-medicating after all. Ah, why am I horny as well?!'

Puzzled was a misunderstanding. The memory of him sober was still fresh in my mind and the discrepancy was so big between the Jungkook that I saw just a few hours ago and the one that pretty much ordered me to buy stuff, with no self-awareness of how he looked or care that he just plopped in my bed while being completely smashed.

'I left the equivalent of a drunk girl in my bed without taking advantage of her. You taught me well, grandma.'

The images popped up like someone was taking pictures in my mind's eye. Not considering doing anything about it since I wanted to still have a relationship with him after he’d wake up tomorrow.

'But if he, in that state, came on to me then…'

I shook my head in front of the store's door like a crazy person.

'Is it really consent if he's just horny from being high? Though I know the real him wouldn't even come near his own bed if I was in it…'

Lurking around the alcohol section without knowing when I got there and why was I walking back and forth like it was some kind of imaginary trap had been set at both ends of it. Keeping me stuck in a beer and vodka-tainted limbo.

'Strawberry chocolate and chocolate ice cream.' Like a mantra, this thought was what I tried to repeat to myself with my own free will, but left the isle only after pacing around for at least two more minutes.

Got more than he asked for and then headed towards the cash register as if I was being chased by someone.

When I was finally back on the street with the wind hitting my face, I felt like I was still running although it was probably a normal pace.

'I can't go back. Not yet… He needs to sober up and I need to calm down. I need to promise myself that I won't do anything no matter what he says.'

After circling the store a few times and then walking as slow as a constipated turtle, I found myself in front of my house and I told myself: 'He's not even himself. I am more sure of that right now than I ever was that if the shy, real him was here… he wouldn't even go near my bed unless I forced him to sleep on it. He's worth waiting for so...He probably fell asleep by now anyways.'

Hesitantly, my feet led me inside, but before I could open my mouth to let him know I arrived, I was greeted by a body lying face-first on the floor. The bags hit the floor and the legs now carried me straight to the shut-eyed, heavily breathing boy in the middle of the hallway.

"What happened? Are you sick? Did you fall? Jungkook?!"

No answer. His breathing was fast and irregular, with beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and refusing to roll down.

"I shouldn't have left. Shit… Jungkook!"

I picked him up and carried him back to the futon. Splashed his face with cold water and tried to talk to him some more. He wasn't responding, so I did the only thing I could do since the hospital was out of the question.

"Hi, Fred? It's me, Namjoon."

"Hi, this is Jungkook's phone number, right?"

"Right… you know today we met, and you gave him some… sweets with real green wasabi in them?"

'Best code for weed, Namjoon. You're a fucking genius!'

The urgency in my voice had him lower his tone while I was unnecessarily loud and straight out terrified.

"What about it?"

"He got sick. I don't know why, but I found him on the floor and he's not responding to me and…"

"Namjoon, calm down. Nothing bad can happen to him just from…sweets. It's just, he hasn't had sugar for a while so now he's…going to feel bad for a bit, but it will pass. Trust me."

"I know, but what do I do? I mean…he's not even opening his eyes. His breathing is so…"

"Namjoon, listen to me. He'll sleep it off. Just stay by his side, leave some water close to him in case he wakes up before you."

"That's all? That's…"

"Yes, that is all you can do. And try not to freak out…"

"He fell! He probably fainted!"

"Namjoon, I didn't give him enough… sweets to cause him diabetes... and even that is not humanly possible. He just… had too much for his sugar… tolerance right now."

"…" I turned off the tv and went to the kitchen to pour some water in the biggest bottle I could find.

"Namjoon?"

"Yeah…"

"Do you want me to come over?"

I saw him panting with his eyes closed from the kitchen sink. He was clearly not having a good time. He was not asleep, but he was not dead either. Half his stomach still showed and his legs seemed to have landed in an uncomfortable position, but he was, for all I knew, just having some kind of overdose that only weed smokers could have. And him waking up with his new dealer by his side would not help the introverted person I now knew that he still was buried deep down.

"No… I will call you in case something happens. But he might be able to just sleep it off. Right?"

"I assure you. But call me."

"Yeah, I will. Thanks."

"No problem, kiddo. Take care."

"You too…"

I made sure the water bottle was by his feet and then tried to straighten said legs when I heard him moaning incoherent words.

"Hmph…M…"

"Jungkook? Are you alright?"

He did something I wished he didn't. He took off his shirt.

'What the actual fuck?'

"Ca…n't brea…the...." The words were, quick, but made all the sense I needed before I opened the window and then pretty much used a notebook to fan him and wipe off the sweat with my own shirt.

He twisted and turned with a pained expression on his face.

'What if it got his lungs? No. Think! Think logically. If that was the case, wouldn't he be coughing right now?'

He touched the hand I was using to pat his face dry and then I saw his eyes were half-opened.

"Jungkook! Do you feel…"

He was struggling to get up, so I helped him, yet the sound of his breathing was deeper and faster though he managed to get one word out, "Bath…"

Seconds later, I almost laid him down in the bathtub when he reached out his hand towards the toilet.

"Oh, you want to…"

He didn't stand up, he didn't sit on the toilet like I thought he would while I was still stuck in limbo. Unsure of what to do, or of what I could do.

I watched his hands grabbing on the sides of the toilet and the most expensive vomit of his life proceeded to come out.

'Shit…' I rubbed his back and kept whispering 'let it all out' and 'it's okay' over and over to him. But also, to myself.

I washed his face again when he was with laying flat on the bathroom floor.

"Do you feel any better?"

He nodded once, and then his crimson eyes met mine.

"Sorry…" was not what I wanted to hear.

"Don't. It's fine. Just tell me what to do."

Minutes passed before his breathing wasn't as loud and he whispered, "Water."

I ran to get it and it was only then when I noticed the lips that used to be plump, looked so dry, that it replaced the relief I previously felt with newfound concern.

Less than 10 milliliters passed through his lips before he pushed against the bottle. I kept holding it against his lips, confused how he could possibly stop after just a few drops.

He rolled on the floor and it took me a bit to realize that it was probably because the tiles were cold.

Checking for a fever next had me realizing that he was colder than I was.

The drops of vomit on his neck had me asking, "Do you want to take a shower? With cold water?"

Eyes looked conflicted before another short nod occurred. When I caught myself staring at his half-naked body and it almost had me laughing hysterically.

"We keep giving baths to each other lately. This should be our new thing."

He smiled, but it was small and it rapidly disappeared into a thin line.

While the shower sprayed around, I turned to look at the still body of my boyfriend.

Kneeling by his legs and pulling his pants and boxers down in one go, with no other intent but to get him washed, had me biting my cheek since he didn't even open his eyes at the sudden tug.

Alas, I wasn't sure if he was still awake.

"Jungkook?"

I carried him to the bath and sat him down as gently as I could. The water hit his skin sparingly. I paid attention to his face more than to his body. He held onto my arm for dear life, which had me thinking that he wasn't capable of keeping himself up.

"Is it too cold? Too hot?"

Puzzled if he nodded or his head just fell onto the tube's edge against his will.

The naked body was way colder than my own. So, I turned off the water and was about to pick him up, when he stopped my other arm from reaching under him.

"Yes?"

My unblinking eyes were searching for any clarifying expression, but the strained smile left me at a loss for words.

The cracked, covered in red spider webs iris that I almost didn't want to look at distracted me for a moment before his mouth seemed to open and close with no words coming out.

"You don't want to go to bed? Warm water? Are you thirsty? What…"

He kissed me. Not a full kiss. More of a peck, which was so surprising that I stopped breathing.

I was paralyzed. While he clumsily hung onto my neck like a child. I picked up the trembling body in a daze.

'Snap out of it!'

"You're cold now? Aren't you?" I felt the nod against my neck so I covered him under many blankets as fast as I could.

I hugged his naked self and waited until sleep embraced him. It was fast. Or maybe it wasn't, and I just laid there with my eyes wide open for far too long.

Soon, I was out of the house without making as much as a sound. I buried my head in my hands in a squat in the middle of the dark-swallowed night.

I wanted to cry, but no tears came out.

The pain was circulating through my bloodstream from the top of my head to my toes.

Compared to him, my breath stopped and started when my lungs couldn't take it anymore.

'What is this feeling?'

Unable to tell, I straightened myself up and slapped myself on the cheek.

'Nothing bad happened. Nothing bad…he just felt sick…he just…'

The feeling of dry lips touching mine while he was lying there, naked and cold, kept reappearing in my mind's eye like a song that was meant to be more like a virus, rather than a creative outburst.

I turned around and saw myself in the same window I saw myself covered in blood that night.

The same window I used to spy on my mother in the bathroom while she kept vomiting during the night.

It was like I had her back, helpless and unable to speak.

Except that this time, I hoped this one wouldn't die.

'Fuck.'

The reflection no longer looked menacing.

It was just a scared child after all.

A child that could not go back into the house, hence, he just stood on the stairs watching the sun coming up with no hope left in his eyes.

'He's not her. He's not her. He's not. He's not!'

I tried to convince myself all night, but I couldn't believe myself, since I had just experienced the opposite.

Then his phone started ringing.

'It must be his brother…'

I muted the call, at the same time, I forced myself to think practically.

'Do I wake him up? Is he even able to talk? Maybe his brother got home again and didn't find him… Should I just tell him that Jungkook's asleep? Is it alright if he's at my house at all? But we said that my house is under renovations, so if he knows we're not there…then where do I tell him we are? Another friend? Why is he calling anyway?' I checked.

'Seven in the morning. Is he waking him up for school? Do I just tell him he's sick? That's the truth. No…he might want to come over. What do I do? Should I wake Jungkook up? What do I do? What am I supposed to do?! Someone tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do now!'

He received a text.

'Happy what? It's a holiday, so no school? He's coming to get his clothes tomorrow for his vacation with his girlfriend? Thank god and his holy insanity!'

All the pressure popped like a balloon. I slid to the floor and fell asleep on the kitchen titles from sheer mental and physical exhaustion, holding onto his phone and staring at his back through the open bedroom door.

I dreamt of Jungkook vomiting in my dreams for the next hours. Until the sound of the shower running woke me up.

I got up without giving it much thought and walked into the bathroom still half asleep.

The second I got in, Jungkook ceased all movement and glanced at me in surprise. He covered his lower body with his hands and I just stood there trying to tell if his eyes were red or not.

Then the realization that he was standing on his own two feet, with no help from the wall or myself was enough for me to confidently close the door and go toward the empty bed and sleep for what I thought would be three more hours.

"Hey…Hey…It's already noon…Namjoon."

I pulled on the hand that was lightly touching my shoulder until his face was centimeters away from mine.

"I got breakfast." He had to mention he could do that since his eyes were clearly telling me what I needed to know.

"Really? After almost dying a few hours ago, you still got high?" I didn't even try to mask the judgment from my tone.

"I wasn't dying... I smoked too much when my tolerance was down, so…"

"So you adjusted the dose and now you're all fine and dandy?"

"Pretty…much…Almost…" He looked away in embarrassment while trying to get his hand free. I simply held it tighter.

"You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…I just couldn't…"

"Walk, talk, or breathe."

"It wasn't great for me either. You know?"

"Why did you smoke so much if you knew?"

"I didn't realize it. I got high while smoking and by the time I stopped…"

"You got blazed, no, you were on fire."

"I said I'm sorry…" I used the other hand to rub my forehead.

"Just try to not do it again, if you can..."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are, but…"

'How am I supposed to forget?'

"I will make it up to you…"

My eyes snapped open even though they were blocked by my own hand.

'You don't have to. You got sick against your will. It was not your fault.' That was what my mind answered.

"How?" was what my shameless self said.

"How? Well…I don't know…"

He wasn't exactly as shy as sober him was, but he wasn't exactly courageously offering sexual favors either.

He kept trying to take back his hand while looking down.

I got closer to him instead.

'You smell like weed.' My mind.

"Touch me." My mouth.

He had the guts to look into my eyes, but he had the cheeks of a shy guy I saw days ago. Considering the fact that he had never done that without me having to grab his hands and put it in my member or straight up shove it in his mouth, I now remembered why.

Since what followed was very close to his actual self.

'Are you sure you're high?'

His hand slowly touched my shoulder and when he got closer, he suddenly asked, "Don't you want to eat first?"

"Later." I quickly dismissed it and let him kiss me on the cheek and then go lower to my neck.

To my surprise, he started using his tongue after a bit and I enjoyed it. Even though he was the one doing it, he seemed to be more affected than I was.

His breathing was shallow and loud in my ears.

I wasn't sure if I was getting amused or annoyed when his hand stopped on my thigh and froze there.

"Jungkook?"

He stopped kissing my neck and pulled himself back to look at me without saying a word. Eyes still unfocused and wide open.

"I don't want you to make it up to me for getting… sick. Or whatever that… was."

He looked genuinely surprised.

'How highly do you think of me?!'

"But… if you want to help me or want me to…help you. Then all you have to do is say it."

As if I just straight up slapped him. He remained immobile and wide-eyed.

Seconds upon seconds passed and the wet spot on my neck dried up. But he still didn't say a word.

"Let's eat then." I made sure not to sound disappointed and almost got up when I noticed he was hanging onto my clothes.

"I…want to…"

I sat back down and watched him struggle to say the rest.

'So damn… cute.'

Was the thought I had before I kissed his still dry lips. His tongue responded to my tongue as it knew best and my hands slid under his shirt to play with his nipples right before I whispered in his ear,

"Let's go on a date."

"What?" I twisted one nipple hard and smiled when his face couldn't decide between looking like he was in pain or confused.

"We never go out. Unless it's for school or grocery shopping.”

"Must we do it today?"

"Clean air will do you good. Or are you still feeling sick?"

"No, I am good. I swear."

"Great."

"Where are we going?"

'As far away from your weed stash as possible.' I thought.

"You pick," I said smiling.

Chapter Text

 AN: This chapter is from Jungkook’s perspective:

'I want to go home.'

This thought had been passing through every five minutes like a train going in circles in the same station.

"It's a bit too long, but the color suits you," Namjoon went on while fixing up the collar.

"How does purple suit me?" I tried to sound upset, but the boredom was seeping through my tone.

"I don't know. It just does."

"That clears it up then. Let's buy it."

"You didn't even try all of them on."

I grabbed one of the many hoodies he picked and forced it on top of an already baggy shirt.

"Jungkook..."

"It fits. Let's buy them all."

"..."

I dragged him to the register without mentioning what I've now made obvious.

'I don't care. I just want this day to be over.'

We left the store with more things than I wanted, plus a scarf he noticed while the cashier was scanning the rest of the clothes, and a hat. I grabbed him the second he spotted something that was not in a one-foot radius.

When the sound of the doors closing behind us sang like angel choirs, I heard him saying:

"Are you in the mood for ice cream? Or pizza?"

"Who did you rob?"

"Fred, naturally."

He grinned and reached for my hand.

'He knows. I've barely hidden my annoyance in the last hour, so why isn't he calling me out?'

"How about trying a new flavor instead of the same old chocolate?"

Someone else spoke to him before angry-filled words got to escape through my parted lips.

"My, my what an unsurprising surprise! You coerced him into taking you back?"

The slightly familiar voice revealed brown locks and a sour expression.

"What do you want V?"

"I want to walk on the street without being reminded of having my arm in a cast for weeks. What about you?"

"Then go walk on another street."

"Apology accepted. How about you make it up to me then?"

Namjoon sighed.

"It was your fault."

"I need some hearts."

"Bye, V."

The no longer redhead bumped into Namjoon's shoulder and whispered something in his ear I couldn't hear even after I had purposely stretched out my neck.

All my ears picked up was V patting Namjoon's shoulder loudly.

"What was that about?" I quickly asked after V waved and walked away smiling.

"Nothing important."

"If it isn't, then you can tell me."

"You don't want to know."

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."

"Jungkook..." He started while pulling me towards the ice cream stand.

"What?"

"Do you want to try a new flavor?"

I bit my irritation and felt my entire body burning with a nonexistent fever.

The word came out through a clenched jaw:

"Lemon."

"You said you didn't like it before..."

"It's new. I want to try it."

'I am nauseous.'

The woman was shooting glances underneath a pinkish, brown hat that was too big for her head at our linked hands which had me taking the canary yellow ice cream with a quick, soulless smile.

We walked around, struggling with the bags. Then walked around some more. Before I knew it, we were in front of the one and only cinema.

"Did you see this one?" He pointed to the poster that implied three housewives becoming rappers with their children looking upset in the background.

"Not my type."

"Hmm...Which genre do you like then?"

I took a big gulp of the ice cream and swallowed it like I would a pill.

"Hmm...that one." I was pointing to the poster containing a guy with guns in his hands, guns hanging behind his back like a backpack and more guns gathered around his feet.

"Really? I thought you said you don't like action movies."

"I don't like them, but the romantic ones are too cheesy most of the time," I mumbled, looking at one in particular. A couple was kissing in front of a father who was beaming behind them proudly with his arms crossed.

"How about Blue Valentine? I've seen it, it's good."

"Sounds cliché."

"It isn't. It has romance in it, but it's not what you'd expect."

"What's the point? You've already seen it."

"Fine. You want to see the animation?" His tone was casual, but his expression betrayed dread at the idea.

"I am not in the mood for movies at all." I found myself thinking out loud and immediately checking for his reaction. To my surprise, he didn't seem taken aback at all.

"What are you in the mood for?"

I parted my lips and said...nothing.

'Green.'

"Let's see Blue Valentine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yea, yea. Come on."

I was the one being dragged this time. But my mood improved when someone in a uniform asked us to throw away the ice creams.

"Popcorn?"

"Nah. Too much junk food. Let's cook something at home afterward."

He blinked continuously and pinched my ear with an irony infused tone, emphasizing his words as he declared:

"You, the King of all junk food decided that some ice cream and a soda is too much for your experienced stomach to handle!"

"I am not hungry right now, ok?"

"Ok." He looked away.

"Have some if you want to," I added, feeling a bit guilty.

"Nah."

Our seats were already drenched in the darkness of the room. And even if there were only a few people, I still couldn't comprehend a word they were saying.

'Is my heart beating faster?'

The longer I kept my hands above my chest, the more I felt like the lack of windows was a cruel idea.

"Man, I don't even want to think about Monday." He suddenly confessed, sending a text using my phone.

"Why?" I managed to get out through the lemon-coated desert that was my throat.

"The exaggerated reactions of our classmates, albeit passive-agressive. And by that I mean that they will be staring at me. Whispering to themselves and..."

'What if any of them see us holding hands?!' My pupils were fixed on the red seat in front of me without truly seeing it.

"But I will have to go on Monday. I do want to see the guys from the club again though. Did they ask you anything about...?" He turned my head towards him, "Does your chest hurt or something?" His hand covered mine as if he could feel my heartbeat through it.

"A bit. I think. I don't know."

"Maybe you should drink some water. I will go get it."

"No, it's fine."

"Do you want to leave? We can leave."

"No. I..."

His intense stare hit me like an avalanche. The way he was analyzing me and the way his big hand felt under my chin was making me sweat.

'He's too... real.'

The screen blasted with colors and loud sounds and I knew that anyone could now see a man holding the chin of another man with his hand clutched at his chest. Or at least the contour of us. As if we were some cut out from one of the cheesy posters.

"I am going to the bathroom. Be right back." I resisted the urge to run when I was still in his sight, but as soon as the black door was shut behind me, I sprinted towards the stairs that led to the bathroom as if the room I just walked out of was on fire.

I entered the last stall and let myself hyperventilate like a drowning person on land.

'Calm down. Nothing bad happened. Nothing's wrong. He likes me. He is trying to have a good date and I am ruining it. Come on, breathe in and out. Shut up. He's so nice all of a sudden...Ah, I fucking hate it. I want to smoke so badly. I don't deserve him. I am... Shut up!'

I slid down the door and squatted, squeezing my chest as if that would stop my heart from going a thousand miles an hour.

'Breathe. Come on, it's easy. Even babies can do it, why can't you?! Shut up. Why did my high fade so quickly? Maybe because I only took a little since I was scared that I'll get too high and act like an idiot. Stop thinking! I made him uncomfortable though. I know it. I ruined everything and worse, I am sober and I can fucking tell I didn't react as I should have. Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up! I can't calm down if I keep thinking about everything. I need to think about something else.'

I started hitting my chest with a hard fist.

'How long have I been in here? He will think something's wrong and he will come after me. No, no... I must pretend. I can pretend. I need to leave. If only I could make my breathing sound less...loud then...Shut up, go wash your face, and... But what if I tell him that I want to go home? No. This is our first official date. And where else could we go next? After all, we've been to the library, shopping, we had ice cream and now we're seeing a movie. It's almost night. Where else would we possibly go? To the park. Oh no. Or maybe he'll want to eat out after all? Shut up and concentrate. Wash your ugly ungrateful face!'

I walked out of the stall with sweat rolling down my forehead and looking left and right like a mad man.

'I am alone. Thank God.'

After spraying water on my face, fixing my hair, imprisoning my breath in my throat, and letting it out in only short bearable intervals, I walked out with my back straight and my hands awkwardly dangling by my sides.

By the time I was back in my seat, the movie had started for a few minutes.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better. I think that ice cream didn't go down well."

"Mm..." His chin was resting in one fist, the other was reaching for my hand before switching his attention back to the screen.

'What if someone sees that we're holding hands? Of course, why would Namjoon care? He can beat someone up. And I can stand still and wait until it's over! Right?!' I tried to decipher the face of the ones that were sitting below us.

'I don't even know how all my classmates look like since I avoided looking at their faces for so long... How would I even be able to tell if other people from our school are here? Retarded. I am simply...'

"You know the main actor, don't you?"

'Who?'

"Gosling, he's..."

"Ah, of course, I know him."

'I need to pay attention. What if he asks about the movie after it's over and I can't remember anything?! I am not even stoned and I can't pay attention! This is bad. Is my hand sweating? Can he tell? Why does he even want to hold my hand all the time? Why? Why? Why?!'

"It's unrelated, but I don't like the name, Cindy. I don't know why, I just don't. Do you... Jungkook?"

"Yea...You're talking about her? I think she looks more like a Merlin or a Natasha."

"Jungkook, don't freak out, but your nose is bleeding. Hold on, someone must have a tissue."

I peered down at my lap and saw one drop of blood on my blue jeans being joined by another in the following second.

"It's fine, it happens sometimes. It will stop." I forced a smile and wiped my nose.

"You're spreading it all over your face. Just lean back...like this, and wait here. I will be fast."

Despite my previous self, I now tried to watch the movie from the new uncomfortable position like it was the mission of a lifetime.

'Don't think about it. Pay attention to the movie, look at the...'

And then I involuntarily spotted his tall self when he blocked some of the screens as he sneaked through the empty lines of chairs.

He bowed as he chatted to the ones that were just a few rows ahead of us.

I caught the glimpse of a smile and then watched him heading to the two girls that were on the right row next.

'He's going through so much trouble for me? But I am fine. It's not like it hurts.'

I did feel the thin line of liquid going down my cheek, but it was a distant distraction compared to the irregular breathing and the heartbeats that seemed as if they were capable of breaking my ribs just a minute ago. Which all ceased despairing at the same time.

He went to a few more people before he ran out entirely, only to return barely a minute later.

"I figured it's faster to buy some. Sorry, I should've done that from the start. Here. Put this one in your nose. I will clean you up. Stand still."

The light of the screen was beaming behind him and showing me his concerned expression while he wiped with furrowed brows.

"Some has already dried. You'll have to wash your face before we leave."

The song that started playing had my heart beating in a way that made me aware of the way his breathing hit my skin.

'Wait. Am I calm now? Did I calm down?'

He plopped in his seat and took my hand in his once again.

"What did I miss?"

I left the question hanging in the air and it died without a chance of ever reviving it.

Almost two hours later I was back in the same black, tasteless bathroom with the sink running and I, standing immobile while staring at it as if it was mocking me.

'How did I calm down? Why? The panic attacks never stopped on their own before!'

I dried my hands. Accepted it as a lucky spell and walked out to a shopping bag carrying Namjoon.

"All done?"

"Yeah."

'I don't get it.'

"Let's go home then."

"How about we eat out as you said? The movie made me a little bit hungry."

He turned around and stared at me with a face that was ridden with quiet surprise.

"If you want to..." I added.

"What do you want to eat?" He asked with the same face accompanied by a flat tone.

"Hamburger," I replied, grinning.

We sat down at the closest dinner and I was filling him in on what has happened with the guys at the club when the only phone we had started ringing.

"Fred?" I told and asked him at the same time.

He took the phone from my hand at once.

"Hi... What's up?... Who?... When?... Got it.”

The phone was abandoned on the table as he resumed eating my fries as if they were his.

"What happened?"

"Work. I need to...deliver in one hour."

"Oh. Okay."

"Do you mind? He can probably send someone else if..."

"No. No. No..."

"You said no one too many times, Jungkook."

"I mean, I was just surprised, that's all. I have to work tomorrow as well, and it's the weekend too! It's not like I can just take off. Just because you get along with the...boss doesn't mean it's fine. I mean, I ...understand." My volume decreased with every word before he stuck a fry in my mouth and successfully shut me up.

"What were you saying about Sony?"

"Oh, yeah. He's going pro in chess."

A laugh that I was unaccustomed to filled the space between us.

"I mean it. He's going by bus to a nearby town for the second round. Stop laughing!"

"I can't...I..." He tried to catch his breath, yet burst out laughing after one moment of calmness.

"I am serious. Apparently, he's really good. And he never told me! Or any of us!"

'Not like I'd remember though...'

"I can't imagine that guy with..." Another fit of laughter, now combined with a slight cough had me handing him the glass of soda.

He was now chuckling with a glass of fizzy liquid going right and left in his hand.

"Sony is...he's...!"

"Put it down," I suggested with a smile.

"And! Bora said she's going to a dancing class! Or singing, maybe both."

"Why the..."

"Well, they got in an argument about something...I don't remember exactly, but she wanted to show him that she's more talented than him. I think."

"Stop it, my face hurts, everything hurts..."

"It's not that funny."

His laughing got even more violent than before.

Less than an hour passed before he handed me all the bags and ran away after a quick peck on the cheek. The inside of his house was dark as I locked the door and emptied everything in the closet before I sprinted towards the stash I had left in his drawer.

Two minutes later, I was in the bathroom choking.

'I did it too fast. Shit, now my eyes will be red.'

I forgot all about it a few minutes later. Tiredly hid the traces. Cracked the windows and the back door before I turned the Tv on for some background sounds to keep me company before I went into the garden and sat down on the stairs with my eyes closed.

'Finally.'

The room was spinning around me until there was nothing but me, sitting in a void with no color, emotion, or sound. The earth didn't exist and I was nothing, but a vessel that contained nothing as well. The only indication that I was still on a spinning rock in space was when I breathed in too deeply or exhaled too intensely which reminded me that I had, in fact, a body. That and the knock on the door.

'Shit, how much time has passed?'

Another knock.

'Wait, does it still smell?' I paused and exhaled on purpose, 'Why do I even care? He already knows.' I told myself, but still sprayed enough deodorant that it left me wondering if I had used it all up.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror before I ran out and headed towards the door in what seemed to last an eternity and a half.

All of a sudden, the sound of the keys scratched my eardrums and the Tv was not a background melody anymore, but a full-on concert blasting from the other room. Even my breathing was now a full song on its own that I was trying to ignore, but which I magnified instead with the newfound nervousness while struggling with the keys some more.

Every movement and thought seemed like it lasted too long and like it'd reveal my state to someone who's sober if I didn't keep moving. Or at least, that's what I thought before I unlocked the door and faced the same brown-haired guy that we bumped into a few hours ago.

"Aaa, V, right?' I heard myself saying from where my consciousness currently resided which was somewhere underwater after it fell from the incandescent bubble it was in. The bubble that just got violently popped.

"Jungkook, nice to see you again." A boxy smile and an unexpected handshake later had me watching him sitting down at the table by the open back door revealing the sunset. He was looking up at me with an expression that I could not read.

I carefully closed the door and forgot to lock it since I was too panicked about asking him if he wanted something to drink in a normal-sounding way. When my blurry mind heard the word tea, I simultaneously felt my feet and fingers getting colder.

"In a second."

"He left you here on your own?"

"Ahem."

The light of the fridge hit me like a million spotlights.

'The kettle is not in the fridge.' I told myself two times and I listened to the meaning of the words only the third time I repeated it.

"What were you doing?"

"Just...watching some Tv."

I opened three different cupboards with little to no sound before I just grabbed something that could hold water and thought about where the tea could possibly be as I waited for it the pot to get filled.

"You were watching music videos?" He inquired with a chuckle in his voice.

"Oh, no, I just changed the channel when I heard the...door."

"Why?"

It felt like he pressed on an already screaming wound and my head was getting squashed between two incredibly heavy walls. The tension would not let go. It embraced me as the weed reached its peak effect which had me holding onto the sink with both hands.

A glimpse of the water overflowing from the pot reached me, but I had to close my eyes and cease all movement, or else I knew, I'd collapse.

'He can't see me from the table, right? Not when I am on the right side of the kitchen, right?'

This thought was slow, yet louder than his voice.

"Did you say anything?"

"I asked if Namjoon left anything for me before he left."

"No."

"Where is he anyway?"

"I don't...know."

I turned off the tap, turned on the stove, and placed the pot with utmost attention. I stared at it for a bit just to make sure nothing was wrong.

"Chamomile? Earl Gray or forest..."

I turned around and discovered that he was staring at me with his head rested on his chin just like Namjoon had at the movie theatre. The difference was that he had a devilish grin that kept stretching wider from the second I first saw it. The eyes reminded me of a fox watching a chicken coming toward him.

"Whatever you like most. I am not picky."

His answer had me swallowing what little spit I had left.

I wanted to look as composed as possible while I walked toward the only place I knew his gaze couldn't possibly reach, but I didn't know if I actually ran the few steps or imagined it.

I couldn't recall so instead, I decided to ignore everything and concentrate on breathing in and out to soothe the explosion that just happened in my chest.

'No, no... no. It's fine. He can't do anything even if he knows. He's a junkie too...He's a...'

I opened the cupboards again and found a lone tea bag by the coffee.

Threw it in the first cup I spotted, turned off the Tv in a hurry, and went to sit down, on the floor, right across from him.

'It feels so much better when I sit.'

I was naively relieved before it hit me.

'How long did it take me to find everything? How long have I been sitting? Is the water boiling already?'

"I don't mean to interfere, but you see...I am a curious person. So, would you tell me one thing?"

"What's that?"

I spit the words fast between half-opened eyes that tried to focus on his face. The same face that kept disappearing between moments of colorless unconsciousness.

V stretched one hand on the table before leaning back with his back against the wall, in the same way that I did, only to look down at me with a now, raised chin.

His smile, gone.

"Why did you get back together with him?"

'Why? Why...why... do I..'

The fight that kept me from drowning in my own emotions combined with the sedation didn't leave room in my brain to squeeze out one drop which could remind me of what even went through my head that day.

'All I remember is him by the bathtub embracing me...and me feeling...a bit better. And a bit worse. But that can't be it.'

"I...well..."

I looked right and left unconsciously and after a while, his fingers tapped on the table as if to make me pay attention to it, and to my future dismay, it worked.

The smirk returned.

"It's fine. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But can you at least tell me why you two broke up?"

'He...Because he...what did he do again?'

"The tea." I heard myself announcing.

"I can see it from here. And the water isn't boiling yet"

"Oh." I dug my nails into my leg to keep me focused on some plane of existence that was grounded in reality, instead of the moments in which I blacked out, and heard myself saying: "Well, we broke up because we had an argument over something...personal."

He lowered himself and rested his head on top of both hands: "Wow, you are a truly secretive cookie. I guess I should've expected that from someone like you."

After a few seconds of utter stillness, my brain dropped the only thought that I voiced immediately:

"You know what? I will call Namjoon and tell him to come home sooner since..."

"You can't."

My heartbeat was now playing drums next to my very ears.

"Why not?" I swallowed the last drop of spit I had left.

"He lost his phone at the party. Didn't he? Or did he get a new one already?"

"Ah, right. I forgot. Wait, party, what party?"

"Didn't he tell you?"

I shook my head.

"The party I got him into. I was trying to help him cheer up, but alas, he left me alone to do some hard drugs with people he didn't even know. And then he broke my arm when I told him that I might make a move on you since you were finally single."

I didn't have to focus. V’s words hit me one after the other as if someone was throwing rocks into the water from above. He kept going with a casual tone:

"That got him really mad, you see, he's not a very...stable person. What am I saying? I am sure you know his anger issues way better than I do." He assumed, chuckling.

My eyes opened wide. I knew it. Since they felt dry, I couldn't force them shut. I couldn't breathe and I wasn't suffocating either. It all stopped somewhere in my chest and wouldn't come out. 

Time stopped. It was frozen. The water had finished rushing through my lungs and into every organ until I was certain that I couldn't stop drowning. But despite what I knew about blacking out, this was happening slowly and painfully. Like my mind was taking pictures of the outside world in slow motion.

"I wonder why he didn't tell you."

"It's not my...business if he..." I managed to throw the words out.

"Of course, you know what it's like. There were a lot of girls up there, but even if we both know he's bi," his hand slapped the table, "he wouldn't do anything regardless if the two of you were broken up. Right?"

Time passed since he looked to his left, returned to his previous position, and resumed tapping on the low wooden table.

One, two, three, and an infinity later, my chest was open and liquid agony flooded out of it.

"Now that I think about it...if he had no reason to hide it, I wonder why he didn't tell you about it. It's kind of weird, don't you think?"

His smile was too much to look at, so my eyes closed on their own. The tapping continued and it seemed like it was in tandem with the pulsation of both my temples.

"Jungkook?"

My eyes snapped open and I immediately noticed the smile inside the irises, but not the mouth that uttered the words:

"The water is boiling,"

I told myself to get up, but my legs didn't listen.

"I will go get it."

Something registered the fact that he got up, that he poured himself the cup of tea that a guest shouldn't pour, and that he placed it in front of me. Before I could convince myself to ask why, he was already sitting by my side. Squeezing my left shoulder.

"If you ever need anybody to talk to. Or any...' thing' at all. Just let me know. I took a liking to you since I feel like we're the same. You and I are trying to escape this mundane life, but you don't have to hide who you are with me. Like you do with him. We can go through all those highs and lows together."

My head turned towards him using the crown of it, rotating against the wall.

Despite the cheeriness in his voice, he looked dead serious.

He continued: "I understand you, Jungkook. Way more than you might think, and I know what troubles you. I know."

"What do you...know?" Newfound fear had me gasping for air. To which he whispered:

"I know."

A knock on the door made him get up and reach it in the time it took me to observe the steam that was coming out of the teacup and identify it as something else than smoke from a fire. I took a sip.

'It's bitter.'

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?!"

The table moved a bit when V's back made loud contact with the wall.

"Relax. I was just stopping by to get my hearts." His neck constricted.

"How do you know where I live?!"

"I have my ways."

"If you ever come here again...No, not even in here! If you ever pass by my fence, I will not only break your other arm but your legs too! Do you hear me?!"

"You really like to overreact, don't you? After all, I live nearby. Do you think I've never seen you enter this house? Why do you always assume the worst of me? I thought that we were getting along."

I heard the way a fist sounded when it made contact with a cheek, but I didn't want to see it as well. In fact, I willingly concentrated on the nothingness that my eyes were seeing while they were wide open for the first time that night.

"You should relax when I tell you to! Do you know my father's a cop? I didn't tell him a thing when you broke my arm, but how long do you think it will take him to find out you're a dealer, huh?!"

V shouted to a volume that made me hear every single word and yet, the word cop was the one that I hoped I have heard wrong.

"You're threatening me?! After you broke into my house?!"

"I didn't break in! Jungkook let me in."

"You're a rapist. And a junkie. One urine sample and you're screwed! Who are you threatening?!"

"You think my dad would risk losing his job because of me? He'd never give my urine to the lab, or let them say one word about it. In fact, he can pull some strings and make sure that the only person who will ever know is the one you sold me out to before they move someplace else. This is a small-town Monster. I have a family with a great reputation. Who do you have, huh!? Fred?! Who's just another dealer?!"

Silence.

'Me.' Is what my mind answered, but the thought of my family made me bite my lips while I waited. Waited for the sun to set entirely and the sky to darken, but it went on as if the last rays were cursed.

"Take your fucking pills and leave my sight. If you ever come into my house or near Jungkook when he's alone...!" A fist made contact with the wall, "I don't care what happens to me after, I will kill you."

"Pleasure doing business with you. But ups, I left my money in my other jacket, so I'll give it to you later. Or maybe, I will give it to Jungkook's brother when I see him, after all, we're friends."

Silence and then, more silence.

The door was slammed, heavy steps approached me and then hands shook me until I realized that my eyes were still shut.

"Did he do anything to you?"

"No."

"Did he call you names? Did he say..."

"...No."

"Do you feel sick?"

"..."

"Did he touch you?"

"I'm fine."

"What did he talk about?"

"Tea. And his hearts."

"Why did you let him in? You should've..."

"I thought he was you." I breathed out somehow.

"Then you should've kicked him out after you saw that he wasn't! Look through the peephole from now on and..."

I warmed my hands around the cup and exhaled in frustration as more preventative measures were listed, but they were all deafened by a high-pitched sound that my ears were picking up. Although the time was moving just as slowly as before, I found myself boiling with quiet resentment.

"He came to take his stuff. He didn't do anything. I thought maybe it's normal for a customer to wait in here and..."

"It's not!"

"And how am I supposed to know?! I don't know where you go when you go out. Or who you met. You don't tell me anything...and he didn't do anything. You were the one who overreacted."

"I... over..."

We both refused to look at each other for a minute.

He was pacing back and forth as the adrenaline and pain bypassed the weed and almost managed to sober me up completely. For just a moment though. 

Calmly, he explained:

"I will tell you from now on, alright? But don't tell me that I overreact. You don't know the guy. He raped a boy in front of me. He's not a nice guy and yes, not many junkies are, but being alone with him, near him is not safe. Don't you trust me?"

I bit my tongue and muttered: "Of course, I trust you."

"Then do you understand that if I come home and you're with your head against the wall with your eyes closed, in the presence of a rapist ...that I can't possibly just laugh it off, don't you?"

"I get it, but...his dad is a cop. So, you should let him be. Just give him what he needs and ignore him."

"I always ignore him. He's the one following me!"

I sighed as my fingers turned white against the cup.

"At least don't beat him up. You're just giving him evidence that he can show his dad."

"I will..." he started and then exhaled a controlled, "try."

"I don't want you to end up in jail."

"I don't want to end up in jail either...But, why are all the cupboards open?"

"I forgot to...close them."

Silence.

"You're high, aren't you?"

"Yeah..."

Namjoon embraced me after nervously pacing for a little while. I also wrapped my arms around him. We let go only to meet each other's gaze. He caressed my hair as I immediately reached for the tea and gave it to him.

"What kind is it?"

"Black."

Chapter Text

‘Why must I pretend that I am a normal person again?’

I rolled from the unmovable arm that Namjoon had over me to have a glass of water. Skipped the shower to hang out on the edge of the bathtub in yesterday’s clothes instead just so I was able to smoke in peace before he’d wake up. And that’s all I did before brushing my teeth twice while throwing something clean on. Trying to ignore any thoughts which loudly announced that by grabbing the backpack and stepping out of Namjoon's house, I will become visible to the rest of the world.

And that didn’t just freeze the blood that previously flowed through my veins just fine. But sucked most oxygen out of my brain and left me begging for an invisibility cloak.

I could blame the weed for a lot of mishaps, but I knew, deep down, that all thought, reason, and identity ceased to exist at the smallest sign of conflict. In fact, I expected the worst to happen in and outside any confined place, and even when it didn't, I simply considered myself lucky. Fooled by the universe in its one million and one attempts to make me drop my guard down until the day it will inevitably strike.

‘I wonder why.’

“What did your therapist say about it?”

The guy with who I share most shifts, Todd, asked, yet his fingers never stopped texting.

“That parents have social patterns. Like, mm…if you do or say something they don’t like, they’ll punish you. Or reward you when you do something good, in their opinion or society's opinion. Anyways, my parents simply lacked any patterns…”

“I don’t get it.”
“Hmm…Let’s say there's a jar of cookies on the table and they don’t tell me if I can or cannot take one, so I just take one whenever and they’d sometimes punish me for it, other times, they don’t even react. Sometimes, they praise me for eating well and go as far as eating one with me. There’s no pattern that tells me when I should or shouldn’t take one. It’s like I am pressing a random button every time I reach for the same cookie. It basically gives me an unpredictable reaction each time that is dependent on how my parent felt in that moment which had, most likely, nothing to do with me...”
“Ok…But what does that have to do with your anxiety?” He looked up with a raised brow.

“When you’re young, that’s when your brain learns how to…cope with people. And mine learned that no matter what I do, the parent will do whatever it wants. I can’t control a thing. So, at some point, I thought it was better to stop eating cookies altogether. I made it all about myself since I was the only person I could control, and then denied, suppressed, and rejected having the need for the cookie itself. As an adult, I froze, hid, or ran away in front of most decisions to protect myself,” I cleared my throat as various memories popped up without my permission, “Either way, I remained clueless as to what made them angry or happy. And now I can’t predict if someone will slap me for no reason or if they even have a good reason at all. Which makes me what other people call: anxious.”

I made an unnecessary tight knot on the apron and threw my jacket in the corner as if it was its fault for all my emotional problems. He kept typing without batting an eye, yet concluded:
“That's a very elaborate thing you remembered... I think it’s a safety thing then.”
“Exactly. Better safe than sorry, I guess.”
“That sucks.”
“Don’t I know it…”

His face lit up.
“I think I get it though. It’s the same thing with my claustrophobia. I mean…if the elevator breaks or something, you don’t know if you’re going to ever get out or not. So, I’d rather avoid the slightest possibility by taking the stairs even when I’m feeling sick.”
“Yeah. Like that. The only difference is that I can’t avoid…all humans.”

‘At least, not all of the time.’

I bit my tongue and took my phone out of the backpack.

“True. Hey, is that guy you told me about, is he still bothering you?”
“No. It’s all good now.”
“Oke. But keep me posted.”

We walked out of the staff room which allowed me to breathe a bit easier as if we just left the cloud of that conversation behind us and now that the door was closed, I could finally move on:
“Do we unload the new stuff now or later?”
“No idea. But we shouldn’t bother boss until nine-thirty or he's going to be cranky all day.”
“You'll leave before he'll arrive today, though."
"He has my phone number and he will call me. Not even text me, he will call only to complain!"

"I'll get a head start on cleaning then. Oh, shit. It's late. Go open quick."

The colorful soda bottles and cans, chips of all flavors, candy, and chocolate would usually tempt me, but not when I was on the clock.

I thought I didn’t have a sweet craving because I was sober when I first got this job. But now, I was actually nauseous and strangely aware of the reason why.

‘I can’t relax when people can come in and out at any moment…’

I almost jumped when someone stepped in and the beeping sound hit our ears as soon as Todd turned the open-closed sign around.

“Good morning.” He quickly mumbled, just as surprised.
“Morning. Do you guys sell cigarettes?”
“Of course, they’re by the cash register.” He pointed to it since they were still awkwardly standing near the doorway.
“Marlboro Menthol, peppermint gum, some sour skittles, and oh, hold on. I forgot what my friend wanted…I will call him real quick.”
“…”

While wiping some of the shelves, I was also ignoring the feeling of all my insides twisting and turning.
‘I should’ve listened to Namjoon and had a bit of his breakfast when I had the chance.’

“Mole, what did you want? …Again?... What flavor? …Fine. Some beer and pretzels too.”

“Those are in the back.”
The tall, blond man locked eyes with me before passing by. The smell of a musty, yet flowery scent washed over me like a strong breeze, and I had no choice but to drown in it.

‘I think I am about to vomit.’

“Anything else?” Todd watched the guy when he started touching some stuff by the register and then letting them go with a pair of confused eyes. 
“No.”
“Come again.”
The second he headed for the door, I dropped the rag and walked towards Todd, ready to sprint.

“I need to go to the bathroom quick.”
“Don’t worry about it, Jungkook. Take your time, not many people come at this hour anyway.”
I nodded and forced a smile at his understanding self. However, what kept me dead in my tracks was the sudden realization that the door didn’t make its usual beeping sound which would inform us that the customer has exited the store.

He was standing as still as I was, bags hanging by his sides, right in front of the sliding doors.

A few seconds passed before he turned around and took a good look at my face before he broke into a smirk.

“Wha…?”
He left without telling me why.

Todd was next to me, scratching the back of his head.

“Do you know the guy?” He asked.
“No. You?”
“No.”
I shrugged my shoulders and escaped in the tiny bathroom that Todd hated with his entire nervous system.

It was good enough for me since small spaces meant it was wide enough for just one person. The total opposite of the shop.

I hovered over the dirty seat and waited for the empty stomach to spit out whatever it decided that it needed to go:

‘The water I drank earlier or the very air I had the nerve of breathing?’

The phone buzzed and distracted me from what I hoped would not become a habit after happening a grand total of four times.

“Have you seen my deodorant?”

‘I told Namjoon not to text me unless it’s an emergency. Didn't I?’

“No. But I didn’t throw it away, so it’s still somewhere in the house.”
‘And it might be running empty by now.’

“That solves it. How’s your day going so far?”
“I'm feeling a bit nauseous. And the first customer of the day stopped and stared at me for no reason.”
“Maybe you looked pale? Want me to bring you some food? I am free for the next hour.”
“I might grab something from around here. And I am a bit too nauseous to eat anyways. Thanks though.”
“How about a pill?”
“Namjoon…I know that you didn’t want me to go to work today, but…”
He sent another text before I got to send mine:

“We have class tomorrow, so we have to pretend we don’t know each other again. And you left me all alone in bed without even giving me a hand today...”
“I didn’t want to be late! Remember that I am a new part-timer and I need this job.”
“I know. But I have to deliver later and I don’t think I will be done by the time you leave work.”
“I’ll go back home to get some clothes then. Run the water for a bit since Jung thinks we’re both staying there! I think he left us some food too.”
“Want to hang at your place for a while then? Though I prefer my bed. Your mattress is the equivalent of sleeping on a block of wood.”
“You know that hard mattresses are good for your spine.”
“Keep telling yourself that while you sleep on my soft futon.”
‘That’s literally one layer on top of the floor!’ I erased the message, sighed, and went into the hallway.

“Talk to you later.” Sent this one instead.
“Fine. But you’re helping me when you get back, right?”
“Help you with what?”
“You know what.”
“I don’t…”
“Never mind then.”
‘What is he on about?'
“Jungkook?!”

“Yeah?”
“Where’s the longer broom?”
“I left it in…Oh, shit.”
“What?!” Todd’s face was blocked by Kwan’s.
“Hi.” She uttered with an unreadable expression.

“Hi,” I replied and pulled on the corner of the black apron as if that would make it disappear.

“I didn’t know you work here. Or that you work, at all.”
“Yeah, well, I needed some spare cash for...”

‘For my addiction.’

I continued: “Stuff. It’s just part-time and it’s hard to find something serious when we have school and since we don't have that many free hours, I thought that…” I rambled with an embarrassment that took over me.
I stopped talking when I heard her soft chuckle.

“I am not here to bust you or anything. I work too, you know? Well, it’s online, but it’s all I can do without my mom going nuts about me wasting time and not studying. I'd pay to be able to work with actual people.”
“Yeah. I wish we could switch jobs.” I joked, but I meant every word.
She stood there smiling with her dark hair in a ponytail, holding onto a box of chocolate-covered biscuits.

‘What do you need money for?’ That is what I wanted to ask.

However, I kept my mouth shut after rapidly scanning her item and asking if she wanted anything else with freshly produced stomach acid burning the back of my throat after every syllable. I had to keep myself from screaming when she casually replid:

“Yes. Can you convince Namjoon to come to the club soon? I really need his help with the math test that’s coming up.”

“Yeah. One hundred percent. He'll come this week... for sure.”
“Great, see you then.”
“Bye,” I said quickly.

"By the way, did Boa tell you that she'll have her first performance in front of an actual crowd?"

"So soon?"
"She joined a group that had been dancing for a while and they said that it's better to mess up than not do it at all. Wanna come see it with me?"
"Of course."
"Great. I will hit you up with the details. If you have Namjoon's number, let him know as well. Bye!"
She waved, and I released air that has stopped circulating for several minutes the exact moment when the beeping sound made contact with my ears.
“Who was she?”
“A friend. We’re in the same club.” I spit out with my head down, holding onto the counter for dear life.
“She looks… nice.”
“She is.”
“I like glasses on a girl.”
“Don’t talk about Kwan like that.”
“Like what? I was just stating my personal preference.”

“Just like that? You like her just because she has glasses and doesn’t look like a murderer?”
“Wow, I didn’t expect you to get offended so easily. I take it back, man. Damn.”
“Ask her out. I don’t care.” I suddenly spit out while exhaling with rage that had nothing to do with Kwan and more to do with the restlessness about the fact that I had to keep working for the next four hours.

“…So, where’s the broom?”
Four hours of checking people out, listening to their stories, and dusting. Unloading boxes alone left me incredibly tired and groggy.

“Boy, you’re not in a good mood today.” He observed as I threw my uniform in a corner and slipped back into casual clothes with the energy of an angry sloth.

“I am hungry.”
“Why didn’t you eat something?”
“Because it’s all making me want to throw up at the same time.”
“Why are you…” I turned around and shoot him an ugly stare,” Fine, fine, I will mind my own business, but eat ten minutes before our next shift together, please. I want to keep being friends with you. I think.” His grin made my glare dissipate.

The sun burned the crown of my head from the moment I stepped out. And the phone kept buzzing.

In moments like these, I wished I had some power to teleport from the shop to my house at will.

After twenty minutes of listening to some calming music and texting back, my brother was distracting me enough from the horror that was walking while starving. I plopped down on my bed and shut my eyes with the full intent of falling asleep.

But my stomach protested.

“What did you cook?”
“Lasagna.”
‘Ah…’ I left the phone on the bed and crawled towards the kitchen. Grabbed a spoon, got the dish out, and empty plate in hand, I took a bite of the lasagna like it could’ve been anything, but cheesy goodness.

One spoonful turned into three, those turned into seven, and pretty soon, I ate half of it in at most, 5 minutes. The plate was still clean, abandoned by the sink.

Looking at what was left filled me with premature embarrassment at the thought of Namjoon noticing that I ate so much in one sitting.

‘I can tell him that I dropped some by accident?’ I negotiated with myself as my spoon kept digging for bites that wouldn't make much of a difference, but since my wrist kept moving, the remaining half was getting smaller and smaller.

‘I can tell him that Jung left only a little bit and that I ate my share already.’

I secured the last piece in a plastic container before I cleaned the utensil and looked inside the fridge for something else to eat when I heard my phone going nuts in the other room.

“By the way, is Namjoon’s house still under renovations?”
Breathing paused on its own.

“It will be done in a day or two.”
“Good. Did you see the pictures of me and my girlfriend at the museum? That painting I am pointing to is worth millions.”
"Yeah. A bit over the top if you ask me."  

I lied.

Spotted some chocolate mint cookies, half a box of ice cream, and a ripe banana, which I dumped into the ice cream container that was the best bowl to ever exist. I ate all of it, pacing while my brain was at a standstill. Busy processing all the chemicals and flavors I was shoving in with the speed of a misguided God.

By the time Namjoon called me, I was searching for the next best thing to devour.
“Where are you?”
“Home.” I purposely kept my tone flat, but I felt the panic rise from somewhere deep inside my gut.

“Which one?” He asked, sounding strangely cheery.

“Mine.”
“See you in five then.”
The intercom fired up when I was eating the other two bananas that were entirely green.

‘Shit.’ I unlocked the front door with the toothbrush still working to erase the evidence from my teeth.

The kiss he left on my cheek before I escaped to the bathroom reminded me that I didn’t even wash my face today.

“Did you eat without me?”

I slightly flinched at the sensation of his hands embracing my waist before I absently nodded.

“I finished early too.”
I could ignore the tight hold that barely allowed my arm to reach for the towel, but the kisses Namjoon kept planting were a poor distraction from the slight discomfort that started shooting from all the angles of my now, full belly.

“Wait, we have to turn on the Tv or something.”
“Why?”
“To raise the electricity bill?”
“Do it later.”
He spun me around and cornered me by the towel rack.

“Weren’t you hungry?” An innocent question, meant to prevent his lips to do what they did anyway. Smashed against mine, action followed by a long tongue that slipped right in with no patience or need for permission.

“I am.” The whispered words made many hairs stand up on the back of my neck. He pulled me closer until we collided so swiftly that it could’ve been mistaken for a dance move.

“Mph…” No words could escape as his whole tongue resumed filling every crevice.

The hands traveled from the upper back to the smaller back and started lifting the hoodie which prompted my eyes to snap open from their already unrestful slumber. Then the fingers twisted the already erect nipples without mercy.

“Stp…sph…”
“What?”
A question that continued with a kiss on the edge of my mouth, chin, and front of my neck finishing with controlled licks in small circles after innocent bites that felt like a thousand small mosquitoes sucking my blood at the same time.

“I didn’t take a shower yet…” This bit of information made him smirk. The hoodie was used as a tool to drag me after him before stopping by the tub. The shower was turned on with the free hand.

“What is that supposed…” One movement later and the cold air was hitting the upper part of my body and the now naked bloated tummy was plain to see.

However, he didn’t have time to look at it since he was busy taking off his own top after throwing mine on the toilet cover.

“You want us to…o ta..ke a shower toget…together?” The stuttered sentence and the several steps back didn’t change a thing when he reached for my pants.

“Why not?”

'Why now?' I thought.

"It’s a bit weird. I mean, we never did it before, and I don't feel like standing…”
“How about a bath, then? We can sit and talk.”
“Sure…” I considered the pro and cons of the two evils and still made sure I was a few steps away from him either way.

The bath was plugged before his pants were removed in front of me like it was nothing.

I swallowed with ice cream and banana-coated neck at the sight of the hard member that was hanging between his legs like a thick cane.

“What?” He asked, still smiling, right before he closed the distance between us and kissed a now reddening cheek.

“Nothing.”
‘Am I shaking?’

“I told you that I needed help this morning.”

“But you can’t …ah, finish like this…right? I mean, I can’t do you under the water and…”
“You can use your hands.”
“You will never finish…”
“Why are you in such a hurry? Or are you nervous right now?”
His playful smile had me wanting to slap the cheek he had just kissed when it dawned on me that all the food that I previously inhaled gifted me the feeling of a bag of rocks hanging from the middle of my body and that my skin felt disgusting. More importantly, it helped my mind sober up instantly.

“How about you get in first? I need to…text my brother back. I was talking to him before you’ve arrived and it’ll be suspicious if I left him on unread for a very long time.”
Another kiss on the lips and an embrace had me wide-eyed and breathless. His long member was making contact with my clothed leg. So, I lightly pushed him away in an attempt to escape the situation.

His smile faded.

“Talking about your brother when I am like this…Aren’t you cruel?”
“No. I just…”
“Go. But hurry back.” He exhaled loudly and soaked in the little water that had gathered.

I tried to ignore the feet hanging from the edges of the tub which made some things fall to the ground since the tub was a bit smaller than his build.

“Yeah,” I uttered, for no reason while I just stood, suddenly petrified.

When his gaze hit mine, I walked out and closed the door before running to the backpack on the counter.

What I found in my see-through zip bag was nothing short of disappointing.

‘I thought I'd go straight back to his house after work... shit. Why didn't I get more?’

I didn’t smoke. I took shots, mostly made out of burnt tobacco.

After chewing some gum and rinsing my mouth excessively, I was panting in front of the bathroom door shirtless and painfully aware of how sober I was.

‘Fuck.’

The door revealed a wet Namjoon. I forced a smile at the sight of the bubbles that now covered only the lower half of his body.

“What did he say?”
“Who?”
“Your brother.”
“Ah, nothing important.”

I stood stiff as a board like someone does in front of his teacher when they’re called in front of the class. But amused eyes beamed at me and hands made the bubbles dance around with carefree movements.
“Aren’t you getting in?”
“Oh, yeah.”

Turning around in instinct still didn’t help much when the pants and boxers were below the ankles. The idea that he was watching me from behind didn’t help ease my growing anxiety.

I was grateful when I noticed that he was turning off the tap instead of staring at my exposed behind.

The water moved like it was just a small wave inside a tiny container as I sat down with my feet close to me. In the only space left. Between his legs. With my face facing his face.

'Why the hell didn't I just say no and left?'

“What are you doing?” He asked, amused.
“What do you mean?”
“Turn around.”
“Huh?”

With the help of the water and his natural strength, all it took to have my upper and lower back pressed against his chest, along with the groin was a small pull on one of my shoulders.

Despite the soap bubbles flying everywhere, he still kissed the top of my right shoulder, unbothered, as he secured me with an arm around my currently pulsating belly.

‘You said we’ll be talking.’ Was the complaint that came up, but when I felt that something was moving back and forth against my ass, I swallowed those words and thought I wouldn’t be able to talk anytime soon.

“Hmm…why aren't you hard yet?”

One large hand made contact with my sensitive skin and the muscles within my stomach got even tenser in a matter of milliseconds.

“Wait.” I blurted out the instant his teeth sank deep into my shoulder.

He said nothing as if he heard nothing. Namjoon continued jerking me off and rubbing my ass against his erection with enough speed to send water flying out of the tub and onto the bathroom floor, soaking the carpet.

A small moan escaped my lips when I felt myself harden in his hand and it echoed right back into my ears, which made me bite my cheek with the intent of holding it in.

My voice was all I could control and nothing else after all.
“Don’t cum yet.”
He ordered as if I had the power to stop it and I simply, never used it.

One hand continued its fast torture while his hips moved back and forth from under me and the other hand suddenly grabbed the front of my neck with a light squeeze.

“No.” Was both an answer to his demand, as well as a hopeless request for my lower parts to not do what they were meant to do before my own substance made the white bubbles pop with what felt like an orgasm that came out of me like a train ready to leave the station at the push of a single button. It left the rest of my skin burning with varying shades of red and pink.

That one hand stopped, but the hips never ceased their swaying and the water never stopped going back and forth as if we were sitting inside a water-filled boat. The grip around my neck only got tighter.

“You're too fast.” He complained.

‘You’re too slow.’ I argued in my head while reaching for one of his legs to make them stand still for at least one second. When that achieved nothing, my eyes snapped open and my breathing got stuck due to the increasingly constricted throat.

The tip accidentally grazed my entry and had me gasping for air with no regard for how it sounded.

‘If he decided to take my virginity right now…he could and I wouldn’t be able to do a thing.’

This silly thought made me reach for his cock with the same arm that I previously used on his leg. To my surprise, when my fingers closed as much as they could around it, all other movements ceased at the same time.

He seemed to realize that the position was in his favor at the following moment. That granted my neck its temporary freedom.

I exhaled the air that got trapped between his fingers and slightly turned around to watch him looking at me while I continued to masturbate him underwater. The bubbles were wearing thin between his legs.

No moan came out. Not even an expression that’d betray any pleasure whatsoever. Just an intense stare that started to haunt me with every shallow breath I took.

I added the other hand to the mix. He licked his lips once before he leaned in and kissed me.

I could feel my whole neck burning alongside my face as the reality of the situation was taking bites out of me with every passing second.

‘Don’t think about it. Don’t think about anything. Don’t…’

Our tongues continued to try and conquer the other. His, in a battle for dominance. Mine, in a desperate quest for willful lack of awareness.

Hands massaged the long cock up and down, in a futile attempt to grasp its entire girth.

Since I was way too conscious of the reality of the situation than I would've liked to be, I could tell how unaffected he was by what I was doing and how affected I was by the reflection of my own face staring back from the clean black tiles behind him.

Perphaps, I would’ve been offended by his emotionless demeanor if I didn’t wish that the ground would swallow me whole.

A deliberate bite to my lower lip woke me up from the trance I comfortably sank into after minutes upon minutes of doing the same motion with my hands, and an unconscious screech escaped because of the unexpected sharp pain which forced me to lean back with both hands hiding the lower part of my face.

What was left of the snow-white bubbles between us was now tainted by a drop of blood that rested on top of it for barely a nanosecond before it got swallowed up.

But I caught it, looked up, and faced the smile of a proud person who removed my hands to lick the string of blood that was dripping down my chin. And then, as if he wanted to let me know the exact flavor of metal that my own vital liquid possessed, he shoved his blood-coated tongue inside my mouth and swirled it around in a breathtaking French kiss.

I was partly aware that my hands stopped stimulating him altogether only when they unconsciously reached for his face.

Meanwhile, Namjoon decided it was time he lifted me up from the hips to hold me against the wall while he, himself, was standing with water flowing down his legs and into the tub. Bubbles popped all over his skin in a mute scream.

‘What are you doing?’

We were still making out when his cock was hitting against my stomach as he thrust back and forth. To my relief, much slower than before.

‘Is he trying to tell me that he wants to…?’

“Suck me.”

He commanded one centimeter away from my ear. Laying me down and grabbing the slightly wet hair with the grip one would handle a wild animal with a desire for freedom.

But I, the docile human, was busy swallowing his saliva, along with mine and the remaining blood before I tried to wrap my now bruised, still bleeding lip around his cock.

As always, I could barely get the tip all in before it was too much.

He didn’t like that, so he did what I hoped he wouldn't do when my knees hit the bottom of the tub.

He told me: “Deeper.”

Shoved it in and pulled on my hair to create more momentum that could propel himself even deeper inside of me. As if that would solve the problem that was strictly anatomically related.

I choked on it. Bleed on it. And teared up as the sounds of my throat getting abused filled the bathroom like a sick song that I wished no one else had the misfortune of hearing.

He pulled on the slippery hair harder and forced it in a bit further until I could feel the food coming back up as a result of the head passing the threshold of my throat.

I tapped his leg and when I got no reaction, I tapped his arm like a wrestler letting the other fighter know that he was giving up. But the other wrestler continued the fight.

I dug my nails into his hand as hard as I could when not only my stomach cried out, but the muscles around it hurt as if my muscles alone felt the contraption of an impossible birth.

He finally released me.

I coughed into the corner of the tub, resisted the urge to throw up, and heard the sounds I couldn’t stop from making, reverberating and washing over me as a result of some sort of macabre oral punishment.

“I…mhm..can…t can’t do it….that…li..ke that…Do! Not…”
“Sorry.”
Hesitantly, I resumed the previous position after regaining my composure with my eyes shut tight. So, I wouldn't see it all as I licked, rather than sucked with one thought in mind: ‘Get this over with.’

He allowed it.

For a while.

The break didn’t last long before he resumed face fucking me. But this time, getting only the head in, and stopping there on purpose.

“If you would relax a bit and held your breath, it would go past your throat, easily.”
My eyes shoot open with newfound, burning anger.

'It barely fits in my mouth! The same thing fitting in my neck is a dream that's better left to be what it is! Your dream, my hospitalization!'

To my surprise, he didn’t attempt it after mentioning it. But at least half an hour later, he was still solid between my lips.

Losing what was left of my patience, I willingly took in more, choked some more, and licked the veins when the food threatened to escape. I even let him guide me as I grew more and more tired.

‘Has it been an hour already? How long can you stay this hard? I can’t feel my lips anymore…’

Minutes upon minutes passed and besides the fact that my whole face was relaxed out of pure exhaustion, it seemed like he was hitting the back of my throat now as if it was a mark he liked to hit. But even when the hitting became more powerful, it wasn’t enough to send him over the edge. Or to even get a sound out of him.

He was no longer pulling my hair out, but simply directing the head that was now a limp toy in his hand.

I wasn't resisting him at all at this point. Thinking nothing but:

‘Just cum already! Please…’

When the same hand started caressing my scalp in what I actually thought was loving, tears welling up that was in spite of all the other ones, strangely enough, emotionally charged.

I leaned back and spoke with a hoarse voice. Words that went out my mouth right into his ears, without any thought behind them:
“If there’s anything that will help you orgasm faster, just….do it. Don’t hold back.”

I heard it and he heard it since the lips that were just a thin line until now, parted and closed.

For the first time after what felt like an eternity, our eyes met and I felt like my whole body was ready to start shaking since I just offered it all up in one fell swoop.

“I didn’t mean that you know...I mean, you can do some things. Anything, but… You know, but that.” I quickly elaborated.
“I know.”
I nodded with a nervous smile, with lips so dry that they couldn't unglue from one another.

And when his hand caressed the side of my face, this short-lived gentleness made my heart jump inside my chest until it was obvious to me that it was meant only for his fingers to reach down and grab my neck to pull me up to my feet.

I gasped for air as he sucked on the tongue that escaped from the sudden pressure.

Strangely, that was what turned me on.

The fact that my tongue couldn't remain in its usual resting place and had to hang outside its cave because of him. Instead of ignoring it, he sucked on it as if he wanted to pull it out. It made me hard even though I was anything but that, just a moment ago.

He knew that without having to look down. Since just then, he easily spun me around and pushed my now warm member and the rest of my body against the cold tiles of the wall before he removed even that bit of stimulus. By positioning me so that my ass was now sticking out just a bit. He made my thighs and knees touch each other.

When my mind caught on to what was occurring with my body, his dick was already fucking the space between the thighs, his hand was back to squeezing the neck and the remaining one was jerking off the smaller cock at a pace and roughness that was hurting to an unbearable point which made the mouth moan without knowing if it was out of pain or pleasure.

It just made sounds against my will.

‘Isn’t this how women are taken from…behind?’

This thought would’ve probably made me soften up immediately, but my cock didn’t have time to do anything with his hand jerking it frenetically while the thrusts were growing faster and deeper, to the point that my whole body moved with the rhythm he commanded.

‘This is not how he wants to do me, right? This is like…’

I barely felt it coming up before I shoot all that was left inside me all across the bathroom wall, all the while moaning embarrassingly loud when the hand holding my neck blocked all airways at once.

‘Almost like...rape.’

My world turned into an immaculate shade of pure white. If someone would've interrogated my brain, it would've answered with a grin and with shaking parts, that it was floating on a cloud made of ecstasy that shouldn't ever stop. And that this would've been true heaven on earth if this even felt remotely like something a being stuck above the soil should be capable of feeling. And if only the belly that had been filled with food didn’t move back and forth, in tandem with his thigh fucking and weighting the rest of the body down like a bag of bricks and lighting up various nerve signals inside it that made it exit the trance to sadly be aware once more of how close to fainting it was more so than how good naturally produced oxytocin was feeling.

When the natural high wore off and my eyes could see the ceiling again. I was still not allowed to breathe.

Immediately, I reached for his hands with lazy, drunk-like movements, yet had no time to be covert about it. I pulled and scratched his skin like a feral animal.

My tongue was hanging outside my mouth as my head fell forwards. This forced me to inevitably witness how much of his cock was still left when he fully thrust between my thighs. Not even my now, protruding tummy could cover it.

‘He'll split me in half...’

In an immediate whim, he pushed me into the wall once again. Nothing was touching me anymore. Therefore, my body tried to get back any bit of oxygen it didn’t receive at the right time, now.

While his hot liquid was spilling all over my cold, bare ass.

A peck on the back of my neck let me know that it was over.

Knees felt like two tiny round rocks stacked on top of each other, rubbing against each other in an attempt to find some balance.

I held onto the wall with a feeble grip. Couldn’t even turn around when the sound of the water getting drained and the shower coming alive behind me was the new song playing in the bathroom.

His soap-covered hand touched the cum covered ass and washed that off and even the space between my thighs before letting it all go down the drain.

I was still holding onto my neck as if it would fall off if I didn’t.

I couldn’t control the facial expression I had when he turned me around after washing my upper back, and neck, only to continue washing my front as well. Seemingly, beaming with energy.

“What’s wrong? Did I squeeze too hard?”
“No.” I lied.

“Tell me. I held back... but let me see.”
He removed my hand and leaned down to check the spots where his fingers made the most contact.

“I can't see anything...I got a bit carried away. Sorry if it hurts.”
“It’s fine, I ...liked it.” I heard myself saying, still drunk from the white haze that engulfed me and abandoned me, not before it gifted me some endorphins on its way out. In a way, I thought of it as a reasonable give and take of pain, if this was the amount of pleasure it was capable of creating at the end.

As if being showered with gold after having to crawl in the mud, overcrowded with rocks and dead roaches for a long, long time.

“Me too, but...We should've discussed this sooner."
"Discussed what?" I leaned against him with one arm and felt the warm water hitting my stomach in a soothing way.

"We need a safe word or a certain number of taps, so you can let me know when it's too much, alright?”
“Yeah.”

His soapy hands went from my chest to my enlarged belly and to my limp member like it was normal. I was staring at his hand, paying extra attention to it when I heard him speaking again:

“Pick one.”

“Pick what?”
“A safe word.”

He squatted down and washed the front of my legs as well.

“How about ‘stop’?” I had a coughing fit, but the irony was lost on him anyway.

“That’s boring.”
I inhaled and exhaled deeply, and noticed that his face was at the same level as my crutch for the first time.

‘Now that I think about it, he has never…’

“What about the word soap, then?”

He lightly chuckled.

“If you like it.”
“Yeah. Soap it is.”
“Alright. Three hard taps, anywhere, anytime you can’t talk?”
“Ok.”
“Ok. Actually, two would be better, in case you can’t get to ...three.” Full lips covered my lips and the cut he made stung for the first time as if my body had forgotten that it was supposed to hurt until now.

He proceeded to wash my hair when I decided that I should probably return the favor.

He chuckled again and backed off, the one step he had space for.

“Don’t. It’s ticklish.”
“Since when are you easily tickled?”
“I am now. I don't know why. Just turn around.”

I found myself hesitating, although I was aware that the touching part of our day was supposed to be finally over.

That convinced me to do it before he started rubbing my ass and then the asshole with soap like one does after cleaning up everything but the soles of the feet of one's boyfriend.

“Ah…what are you doing?”
“Cleaning you up.”
My muscles tensed up once again. My head suddenly hurt and my belly ached.

“If I put a finger in, does it hurt?” He asked and my heartbeat picked up its drumsticks and started playing.
“…I don’t know. I've never tried that.”

I waited and waited. Then his reflection betrayed my reflection to him and myself at the same time. I probably looked disturbed enough that it prompted him to embrace me from behind and peck my earlobe loudly.

“Try it sometimes. I am not saying we should do it anytime soon, but you might like it."

“I'll…think about it.”

‘No way in hell.’ I quietly thought.

“Look at you blushing.”

“Shut up…”

I washed his hair while he washed the rest of his body. And even though I was as sober as I could get in the span of a few hours; I didn’t want to run back to his place to get my fix.

Instead, I calmly sat down on the bed and stared at the wall, pretending to watch Tv with my heart, having a full-on concert inside my chest.

‘Did it feel that good because he was suffocating me? Or because he jerked me off so hard?’

“Can I eat this piece of lasagna?!” He shouted from the hallway.
“Of course!”

I watched him happily sit down next to me from the corner of my eyes, with the lone piece I managed to hold myself back from eating before I got up and headed towards the bathroom in search of any damage he might've left for others to see.

I was astonished when I found that there were no obvious marks on my neck, just like he said. But the bright red spot on my lower lip looked exactly how I thought it would.

‘It's like he cut me with his teeth, but why did he do that in the first place? And does he want to go all the way already? I mean we’ve been doing stuff for years and more recently, we…. but…still…asking about putting fingers in is...’

“Hey, I found a good movie! Come here quick! It has already started.”
“In a bit!”

‘I am scared. I liked it and didn’t like it at the same time. How is that even possible?’

He was paying attention to the movie. I was trying to distract myself with the movie, yet my mind wanted to keep reliving that one blissful orgasmic moment and yet couldn’t recreate its chemicals at will.

“Your brother knows how to cook.”
“He had to learn. Our parents left him in charge of feeding both of us since when he was…way too young.”

“Hmm…why didn’t they hire a nanny or something?”
“They did, but we had the genius plan of getting rid of them at all costs."
"What the hell? Nanny's are expensive. I was left all alone for hours!"

"But if the nanny would've quit, our parents would have to come home. And after that, we were getting too old for one, so we just made peace with doing everything by ourselves.”
“Hmm...when are they coming back by the way?”
“I don’t remember. But it doesn’t matter what they say anyway. They can change their mind at the very last minute. When they get here is when they get here.”

“Are you mad about it?”
“I am not mad. That’s just the truth.”
“Alright..."
"No, really. They're just too in love with each other, their children are not...top priority. It's kind of gross."

"And when they do finally get here, do you want me to meet them?”
“Yeah. Why not?”

“If you had already come out to your brother, naturally.”
“Or you can meet them just as a very good, very close …friend.”

The conversation died on our lips and for a while, and the circles he was drawing on my hand and the sounds from the Tv were not enough.

‘I wonder if Mom’s thinking about me...ever…’

“Want to go to my place? I didn't bring any homework like an idiot.”
“Sure. But I need to pack some clothes first.”
“I thought you already did.”
“I said I would, and then I… didn’t.” I realized as I spoke.
“Also, I’ve been meaning to ask.”
He didn’t want to ask until I looked at him, urging him to go on: „What?”
„What should I be expecting tomorrow?”
“Fake rumors. Some angry professors. A lot of new homework.”
“Did you do yours?”
“No,” I admitted with a heavy sigh.

“Want to do some of it together when we get back?”
“Let me copy yours?”

“Why would you do that?” He turned the Tv off when the credits started rolling.

“I will make a ton of mistakes if I smoke and try to do homework at the same time. It's just not worth it.”
He glanced my way, yet didn’t utter one word until he left the room saying:

“Hurry up and pack.”
I made sure to leave the light in the bathroom turned on, just like my mind kept on thinking about what we did in that bathroom. It was consuming the energy of my brain even after we made it to his place with a bag of clothes. And even after I smoked more than I should on purpose. Even after it took me way too long to copy the first half of his homework and after I stole his notebook, so he wouldn’t turn the page before I was done. Even after he chased me around the house and tickled me when I had nowhere else to run.

Even after we kissed after I was done kicking and hysterically laughing on the floor.

After we had dinner, cuddled on the porch and watched the sunset.

After he kissed me goodnight with the innocence of a teenager and spooned me from behind with no sexual intent.

‘That natural high while, I'd also be chemically high. How good would that feel?’

This had my mind going on a spiral about the label people like me got: an addict. Since most people think of it as an obsession you can’t quit, or that addiction is mostly exclusive to a certain substance. Especially when they talked about how that certain substance is addictive, solely due to its innate nature. That always felt like a lie to me. A nice make-believe story that people who have the possibility to look at it from afar loved to spread around.

Like a person who had never had a cold, believes that a fever only makes the outside of your skin hot and that your nose never gets stuffed enough that you almost cannot breathe, and that a nostril could never get entirely blocked. But since you keep sneezing and blowing your nose, it's still flowing continuously. No, that's not enough. The fear one would have if one never experienced it would be far greater than those who had it numerous times before.

Like someone who has never felt true hunger that keeps you up at night, the hunger that would make you eat dirt if you could. Like someone who has never known how it's like to have no money or help, would think that stealing should be punishable by death. Like someone who has never felt real desperation talking about 'what a hard time, they had', but never had a panic attack or experienced suicidal thoughts.

A lot of people never experienced how many levels of suffering exist. And I was incredibly jealous of the people who only scratched the surface of my sea and never reached its hopeless bottom.

I remembered about a friend who used to compare the addiction that I had to a stuffed toy of mine to his addiction to sugar. What he didn't understand was that if I would've lost that toy, I would've felt like someone had died. I couldn't sleep without it and I couldn't stop thinking about where it was or if someone took it when I was away from it. I couldn't feel relief until it was safe in my arms. That child could forget about sugar after he had one bite of it. He craved it again, but he didn't crave it every time he inhaled. Nor did he have a breakdown that got him hospitalized when said toy did disappear. Never to be found again.

In my mind, an addict is someone who gets addicted to certain things or emotions. It is almost never just one thing because it is not about the thing itself. It is the person that is the constant. And the intensity and the dependency you have on that particular 'thing' matters more than what it is.

I knew that it wasn’t the weed that I was addicted to, but the feeling it got me when I did anything else while experiencing its effects. Sometimes it enhanced my experience, sometimes it made it seem like it was happening while my spirit was floating above my body. It provided me with much-needed oblivion to most things just like having a fever can distract you from many things as well. Willingly feeling sick or out of it was what I was after, but not enough that others would be able to tell at first glance. Also, it was fairly constant, provided I used similar amounts and had a break at the end of the year.

Since I was little, I would get addicted to just one toy, one place in the house, one pair of trousers, one time during one period of the day, one spot in the bed, or one cartoon out of all the others. Later, I’d get hooked on eating the same thing over and over again to the point that it would make me sick just thinking about it. Listening to one song over and over again until moving on to another and forgetting all about that one. Reading the same book, watching the same show, and playing the same game until I knew all the ins and outs.

Anything that gave me pleasure got me hooked on it at some point or another until it became a healthy 'habit' for my addictive brain since it no longer provided any high, just a moderate amount of contact and sometimes, and nothing else.

An addictive personality can get addicted to pretty much anything and the worst moment of my life is when it's no longer producing enough serotonin and I cannot find anything to latch on to. When I become empty and nothing gives me joy. Nothing makes me smile. Nothing interests me at all. I find that to be worse than being addicted to chocolate, sleep, or weed.

That was what I was actively avoiding. That was the reason why I'd still move even when alone at home. Just so that feeling I sometimes had wouldn't keep going on and on until there was nothing left to feel, but the innate emptiness of the human condition. However, I rarely got obsessed with a human being. Or more importantly, with something that only one person could make me feel or provide, in general.

Anyone who could reject and walk away at any moment made me anxious and out of control. After all, my parents were the ones who taught me not to be addicted to people since they never seemed to be able to give me what I wanted when I wanted it. Instead, it was more like gambling with your sanity as the number one stake. Eating chocolates with a new, surprise flavor every time or participating in a lifetime-long show without reading one review about it first. That, I couldn’t stand.

Since a person was not as predictable as candy. Candy that I could possibly buy from the same store at the same time every day for the same amount of money.

And even when I inevitably ran out of money, I knew that at some point or another, I’d have some more. Even if the very piece of candy would be pulled off the market, there would be many others similar in taste or it’d be time to try something entirely new but it would be on my terms one way or another. Since there were enough things, songs, movies, and sweets to choose from. Then it was all alright.

A person is unique. One day with them differs from the other. One conversation about the same subject can't be the same as the other. Not to mention the fact that they can pack up their bags and move to another country any day or get cancer as if they're part of a sick joke that the universe likes to play on both that person and you, who was the fool to get addicted to what that one particular person can make you feel. Be it a warm word or even its very presence.

And every kiss with Namjoon felt different, even if practically, he did the same thing he did an hour ago.

And not only was I scared of being suffocated again, but I also wished he’d do it again, which is why I didn’t complain in the first place.

Somehow, he carved his way inside my life and it was this day and that action that made me realize that I’ve been getting too used to him. That what he does might get me addicted before I realize it.

That maybe, just maybe, it was already too late. That the hand that was on top of my body was something that would destroy me later when it was gone.

'It reminded me of the time I got addicted to my mom's scent and embrace. I was the happiest until she was too far away to smell or touch.'

It was the same mixture of pain and pleasure that left me wishing I would have never allowed myself to love her. By the time I learned that it was too late and I was irrevocably meant to live with a hole in my chest for the rest of my life. A hole she didn't even try to fill.

When I ate too much, the shame and the physical discomfort I got from it after receiving the reward of violating my own boundaries, indulging freely, and the sweet release of serotonin made it worth it and not worth it at the same time.

Almost fainting by his hand and orgasming on cloud nine seemed worth it. And also, terrifying.

The problem was…it became easier and easier to tell a dealer that I wanted green, just like it was easier now to tell the store clerk that I wanted ten bags of chocolate puffs without shame. But telling my lover that I wanted him to choke and stroke me into oblivion was new.

New always produced a copious amount of adrenaline and therefore, cortisol mixed with excitement and desire in equal measure at what was probably two in the morning.

My eyes were still wide open two hours after we went to bed and long after Namjoon left this plane of existence and escaped into his own dreamland. 

I abhorred the thought that more and more things and people made me feel the negative side of them, rather than just the positive. I wanted to avoid that at all costs. But I was already there, in his bed. I was already meant to widen the hole my mom had made with his help. I just wished I would've known how he got me hooked without me realizing it.

The warmth that his hand emitted against my skin got it all tingly. I wanted to run away and never return. And I wanted at the same time, to be held down and then tied to this very futon after he magically woke up.

‘I want to eat something.’ Was the thought that interrupted all fantasies at once and propelled me into a silent and a slow escape from Namjoon’s bittersweet grip.

To my relief, he didn’t wake up even after I slid the door open and closed it behind me with an unexpected thud.

‘Why do you only have healthy food in your fridge?!’ I screamed to the Namjoon in my mind and opened every single drawer and cupboard until I found what was a huge bag of what appeared to be some expensive candy inside a half-covered pot.

I lied to myself and considered only taking one piece that would be unnoticeable and seemingly untraceable. That transformed into two, then five, and when then my mind told me that now I had to eat equal amounts of everything so that there was an equal number of wafers, coffee chocolates, whiskey-filled candy, peanut butter cups, and white chocolate kisses. I listened.

After hiding the wrappers in my backpack. I scanned the fridge one more time and gave up on all previous standards. I was munching down on raw carrots, tomatoes, boiled eggs and lettuce leaves before the alarm of the fridge went off more than once.

It forced me to stop and think. Which allowed the guilt to seep in like venom from a snake's fangs. Which made me decide that drinking some warm milk will help me fall asleep faster.

I waited for it to boil as I massaged the stomach that started complaining again.

‘Shit. I feel like I am about to explode. I forgot how much I had for dinner. Wait...what did I have for dinner again?’

One liter of warm milk later, I was in the garden, walking around under the sky that was slowly but surely, less dark than it was when we laid down to sleep.

I watered the potted plants and then ventured into the forest that was starting from the edge of his backyard. I sat by a tree and tried to find some peace of mind when the voice of an owl kick started my adrenaline like a key ignited a car.

‘I ate so much…why am I not sleepy at all?’

I was still pacing around in a small circle when the sun started peeking from the line of the horizon. I had my headphones in and in the middle of an existential crises ten minutes before waking up Namjoon since I sneaked the phone out of our room.

I stumbled in with an upset stomach and red eyes, back into our shared bedroom and almost fell asleep the second when my head hit the pillow. I turned off all the alarms and resorted to the most efficient way I knew to wake him up: shaking and pinching his arms while calling out his name like a repetitive ghost. I was in a daze. But at the sight of his grave stare when he spotted my tired, cracked eyes, sleep abandoned me once again.

“Why do you look so tired?”
“I couldn’t fall asleep.”
“Hmm…”
The familiar hand reached for my waist. And I winced without meaning to.

“Do you want to stay in?”
“No. We can’t keep skipping class!” I said, much too angrily than I wanted to sound.

“Alright…” He pulled me closer and smelled the back of my head with no shame.
‘What the…’

“You need to take a shower.”
“Well, thank you for letting me know that I smell.” I pouted and got reminded of what we did in the bathtub when the word ‘shower’ fully registered.
“Like weed. You reek of weed.”

“Excuse me then…” I bit my lip.

“Let’s take a shower together. It will be faster.”
“You go first…”

“Come on. If you want to go to class, get up. What time is it, anyway?”
“Seven and something, I think.”

For the second time in twenty-four hours, I watched him waiting for me naked under another source of water.

When I stepped in this time, however, he started with what he ended last time.

“Do you like this shampoo?”
“I don’t mind…smelling like you.”
“Don’t be this cute when you’re naked.”

“Why?” I looked up just in time for the soap to get into my right eye. “Aww.”
“Don’t rub. You’re making it worse.”
It was a quick, practical shower. The steam left me dizzier than I was before.

I was hitting my head against the wall while he used the hairdryer. Fighting back my shy erection and a panic attack at the same time by inducing moderate amounts of pain in my skull.

'I am retarded.' I complimented myself over and over again.

We were dressed, perfumed, and ready to go in less than thirty minutes.

The icy morning air hit me differently after the warm water heated my body up, and the closer we got to the gate-less school, the more tired and cold I was feeling.

“Why didn’t you want to wear that coat we bought?”
“I have two more layers underneath,” I argued.
“You will be hot later.”
“It'll be fine. Right... We need to split up or someone will see us.”

The lake appeared to our left with its unopened lotuses. And the trees swayed and their loud leaves sounded like defective bells as the wind blew and the weak sun did nothing to ease my suffering.

“Let them see us.”
“Namjoon…my brother doesn’t need to know that I am gay before he's getting married to a woman.”
“Did you just finally come to terms with your sexuality?” He asked softly with a smile. Half mocking.

I stopped dead in my tracks with my arms crossed and felt myself blush from my neck to the top of my head. I turned around and walked in the opposite direction of the school for a total of five steps before he grabbed my backpack and prevented me from moving an inch.

“Sorry. Bad joke.” He muttered.
“Even if I am or if I only like…you. He still shouldn’t find out from someone else.”
“And when are you going to tell him?”
I refused to look at him when the thought ‘never’ was the only answer my mind offered me.

“Hey. Kim Namjoon! You’re alive and well!” The high-pitched voice of one of our classmates scratched my ears. He was getting near with two more classmates at his side. I felt the pressure that had been applied to my backpack, disappear.

“Are you guys fighting?” Another one asked.

“No. I was trying to stop him from skipping school.” Namjoon lied with an indifferent shrug.

“Didn’t see you there, narcolepsy. You don’t have to go home. You can sleep in class as always if you f…”
I knew something must’ve happened for our classmate to stop talking without me even as much as glancing his way, but I didn’t bother turning around to check if Namjoon had already punched the guy.

When the other calmly talked, I reminded myself that he had to keep up appearances so he wouldn't get expelled.

“You two friends?”
“Not really.” I quickly let them know and continued walking in the opposite direction.

This time, Namjoon couldn’t stop me.

“Where is he going?”
“Why did you skip class for so long?”

They asked Namjoon.
"I was very.... sick.” He replied in a deadpan tone.
That was all I heard before collapsing by a thick tree trunk, not very far away; still hugging myself with heavy eyelids. I gave in fast.

Sleep was finally offering its sweet embrace while my body started freezing when the voice of a teacher had me standing up straight, electrocuted by its offended tone:
“Jeon Jungkook, what are you doing here?! Are you trying to be late on purpose?!”
“I…no…”
“Do you think skipping class is alright even if your parents aren’t here to check up on you? I have their number and I will not hesitate to let them know that you are sleeping on your way to school instead of attending it.”
“No…I am sorry. I was about to go in. I was simply…”
“Ahem. Do you think I don’t know that you sleep during classes all the time? Only I know how many times I caught you sleeping during my class! What is it that you do all night? Playing games? Because it can’t be studying.”
My vision was covered with a thin, nearly invisible fog-like substance and the chilly air made every color of every flower, bush and tree seem colder and her voice was getting further and further away. It was the background to my high exhaustion as the school got bigger and taller the more we walked. The inside of the school itself seemed to be coated in blue and grey, cold light, and when all I saw was her back getting smaller and smaller. I felt myself feeling lonely in the middle of the empty hallway.

“Narcolepsy has returned.” That was the only sentence regarding my presence when I stepped inside our class and then proceeded to sit in my usual spot.

No one bothered me for the following hours, but I could feel Namjoon's gaze burning the back of my neck every once in a while.

The boredom combined with the exhaustion has fought a fair battle and one has finally won during history.

“Jeon Jungkook! Young man! You are in class! Not in your bed." There was no hint of amusement in his voice, yet the others were laughing instead. "Even if your exam results are satisfactory, that doesn’t mean you can disrespect me in this way.”

The girl sitting behind me, shook my chair until I caught every single laugh and mumbling from the teacher.

I straightened up and tried to look as apologetic as possible.

“I am sorry, it won't happen again.”
He sighed and told me to sit down.

“Narcolepsy had another long night.” I heard someone whisper during the class but ignored it. What I couldn’t ignore, however, was the piece of crumpled paper that was on my desk.

Because I was certain that it didn't belong to me.

I grabbed it without hesitation only to discover that it contained a message written in unfamiliar handwriting: ‘Come to the chemistry lab after literature.’

I looked around, but everyone was either looking at the teacher, taking notes, or reading from the manual. No one was letting me know in any particular way that they were the ones who threw it. I peeked at Namjoon and realized that he didn’t even have one single pen on his desk and that he was actively reading a thick book. He didn't even react after I purposely stared at him for at least one minute.

‘This is not his handwriting. This is too small…Besides, he wouldn’t risk someone seeing he passed a note to me. So, who is it? And what the hell does this person want?’

A few sneaky glances later and I finally locked eyes with the guy who made me trip and hit my left cheek on the edge of a chair on purpose, at the end of first grade. I never found out the reason why I had to have a permanent scar for the rest of my life, even so, Min Yoongi has never apologized for it.

Chapter Text

              The most relaxing song I knew blasted through my one earpiece on repeat. Sneakers squeaking on the school tiles were bothering the other ear. With the backpack hanging on one shoulder and heavy eyelids, I walked in the opposite direction than all of my classmates. Completely ignored the fact that Namjoon was probably on his way to the lake only to realize that I wasn't there.

This part of the school was quiet. Random voices echoed against the empty walls once in a while, but the desks that were abandoned here and there, on the hallways covered in the dust made me feel the kind of unease that only haunted houses should evoke.

'This person really doesn't want to be bothered, huh…'

The sliding door didn't protest and the inside of the chemistry lab that was hardly ever used was cleaner than the hallway. But the air was just as stale.

'No one's here.'

Near the big dirty window from the middle of the room was the only live being.

'A snake…How? And why?'

I stared at it like it could provide me with telepathic answers. Went as far as to turn off the music to listen to it hissing. It was strangely curious of my presence and unafraid.

Decided to leave a moment before the door slid open once more and then slammed shut after the short, skinny boy that was Min Yoongi.

"What's up?" A casual tone tried to mask the stiffness of the body while he was walking toward the closest chair, sat down, and rose his feet up on the desk. As though coming to this room sucked all the energy out of him.

I exhaled deeply on purpose, hoping that it'd alleviate some of my newfound frustration.

"You're the one who wrote the note?"

"Indeed."

The phone started singing in my pocket as if to remind me that where I was, wasn't where I should've been at this moment in time.

"Great. What do you want?"

Slightly shifting in his seat, he glanced from the eyes that were now shooting fire his way at the blackboard without a change in facial expression.

A blank page.

After more than a minute went by without him uttering one word, I stormed in the direction of the door.

"Jungkook." He said, quickly.

Dead in my tracks, I twisted my neck to the left, at the person that I had once thought of as a dear friend, and scowled at the new picture I was witnessing.

Chemicals, vials, beakers of all shapes and sizes stored inside glass cabinets. Too many plants in one place, flowing down shelves surrounded by peeling, cracked walls was the background to the mint-colored hair that touched the desk, whose feet now were on the ground, arms stretched out toward me and eyes that seemed to betray some emotion at last.

"Jungkook." He repeated, and before I could swear, he continued: "I know."

"What do you know?"

"Everything."

I smirked, irritated.

"Be a bit more specific. I don't have much patience right now."

"That day when we fought, the reason I…" he bit his lip and shut his eyes as if that memory was painful to him. The same memory that made my fists tingle, "You weren't lying. I was the one who was…wrong."

"Bo-ho, you figured it out. How many years later?!"

"Listen, I…"

"You should've trusted me then, but you didn't. Go back to your friends and leave me al…" I spat with malice, wishing it could leak from my irises and jump at him if possible. He cut me off, saying:

"I was wrong and I'm sorry."

My chest hurt. The world was at a standstill. So, I inspected every line on his face, waiting for a smile that screamed: 'Ha, ha, gotcha!' just before his fake friends would burst through the door and pin me to the ground. I said nothing because I was waiting.

But the sun continued to sneak lazily through the clear patches of the window and the snake continued slithering around its cage.

He got up.

So, I ran.

Like a coward.

Not only out of that room but through the old and new hallways and then, out the school. By the time I spotted the lake to my right and Namjoon under a tree, studying calmly, I could barely stand. Hands-on knees and panting. I almost wanted to run past him since I wanted to avoid being asked anything.

But then I looked down at him and saw the grin that adorned his face from ear to ear, and I died a little bit inside.

'Why are you, so happy? And why am I so… miserable? I don't even have a real reason to be.'

"Where were you?" He reached out and caressed my arm as I laid down by his side, on the grass.

"To the bathroom. I'm feeling a bit sick…"

"That's why you look so flustered? Do you want to go to the nurse or…?" I cut him off.

"No, I just want to close my eyes for a bit." And leaned against his shoulder. And he continued reading in silence.

Two birds decided to fight not too far away from us which made me look just in time to see Yoongi striding down the same path I did.

My heart panicked, wanted to jump out but got stuck in my throat. Or at least, that's how it felt.

Wide-eyed, yet completely still, I watched him steal a glance our way but passed by without saying a word. And then he was gone.

'Does he know about Namjoon and I? Does he know everything? Everything…'

I clutched the hem of his dark grey shirt like that action alone was keeping me from drowning. I gasped for air and thought: 'Screw him.'

And forced my eyes shut.

Minutes passed, memories started circling me like pesky insects in the grave-like silence that was perturbed only by the relentless birds and the occasional wind. Despite the fact that I yawned at least three times, my mind didn't allow me to rest. I just hung onto Namjoon like a clingy girlfriend and despaired at the thought of having to sit just a few steps away from Yoongi tomorrow.

'Stop it. He said his part. It's over. We're just going to go back to ignoring each other as we've done for years. Right? …right?'

"Aren't you cold?" His voice made me snap from whatever hole I had fallen into.

"A bit," I said, in a daze.

"I want some ramen. Let's go to the store and then home. Sounds good?"

"Perfect."

Arms linked, we walked down the empty street and then parted as soon as we entered the supermarket.

"What flavor?"

"Duck."

"Really?"

"It has the sweetest condiments."

"Ah…of course."

"What do you like?"

"Plain old chicken. Or beef. Both are fine though."

"They taste almost the same."

"That's what I am saying." He dropped a lot of packages of the same in the cart and then turned to me, asking: "Alright, what else?"

"What do you mean? You said you wanted ramen. We got it."

"We also need shampoo, a shower gel and there's this spicy sauce that really goes well with this ramen."

"Wow, you really hate me using your shampoo that much, huh?"

"No. I just like yours better."

"You're not sniffing me when I am not paying attention, are you?"

"Busted." He smiled. "Go get those, I'll go get the liquid of Gods. Meet me at the junk food aisle?"

"Sure."

Before I got to make a full turn to the left, someone had walked up to Namjoon, and even if I was only a few feet away, I couldn't hear a word the two guys were saying.

Words that caused him to smile.

The more I studied their faces and clothes, the more I couldn't put my finger on who they were.

'Friends? Or junkies?'

When one of them suddenly peeked in my direction, I darted and collided with an older lady with too much force.

"I am sorry."

"Look where you're going."

"I am so sorry." I continued to mumble, looking apologetic and making sure I wasn't visible from this spot at the same time.

She huffed and walked away.

I almost sprinted to the bathroom products.

'Rose scented, macadamia milk infusion…who the heck were they? Orange, pistachio, or coffee? I can't know everyone he knows; we've only been going out for a while. It's only normal he's met a lot of people. He wasn't a secluded monk like I was.'

I picked one up only to put it back.

'I don't think Namjoon's going to like the chocolate shower gel as much as I do though. Maybe they were just other customers asking for help? But only older people do that when they forget their glasses. Besides, they didn't look much older.'

I got up with the same gel in hand and saw that Namjoon was right next to me.

"Really? Does everything have to be chocolate with you?"

"Not necessarily, but I didn't want to smell like a flower, a fruit, or coffee beans. It will make me want to drink coffee and I shouldn't, you know, anxiety and all."

"Chocolate it is then." He sighed.

"No, no. You can pick another one if you want. What was the one you had before?"

"I don't remember. Let's just take this one. Go get your shampoo and two toothbrushes."

'Sure. If you tell me who the heck those two guys were first. That'd be terrific.'

"What? Is there something on my face?" That's when I realized that I was spacing out without blinking.

"No. I was just thinking."

"About?"

"Nothing much."

"What the hell?" He chuckled.

I reached out for the shampoo. And after little debate, picked the one that Namjoon said he liked, and choose a pack of toothbrushes for two.

"What else?"

"I think that's it. But, no, it isn’t. Get some sweets too; I am not coming back here in one hour."

"It's fine. I am not craving any."

I turned around, heading to the cashier when he left the shopping cart on the ground, by my feet.

"Ok. Do we need to go to the pharmacy?"

"Why?"

"Didn't you hear the blasphemy you just uttered?" He joked, but when I didn't as much as blink, his cheery tone turned into one charged with concern: "What's wrong?" Namjoon took a step forward, hand squeezing before it fell by his sides. Seemingly aware of our surroundings.

"I already told you that my stomach hurts and I didn't sleep at all. It's not a big deal. I just want to go to bed."

He sighed even louder than before.

"Save a spot in line, I am getting chocolate for tomorrow then."

I picked up the cart and in the last spur of the moment, I shouted: "Get some croissants too!"

Facing away, he let me know with a thumbs up that he heard me and disappeared into the right aisle.

After I secured a spot at the end of the line, I also saw one of the two guys paying for some meat and booze.

I pouted, watching them leave, feeling frustrated.

Certain that I'll finally be able to escape all my worries and sink into oblivion the second I lie down on any flat surface.

But I didn't. Even if he told me to eat first and that the water will take only a few minutes to boil, I felt like it was possible to fall asleep, but my eyes snapped open the second my cheek touched the pillow. All veins raging on adrenaline.

"Jungkook! Do you want to try the sauce first? I am not sure it will please your...palate."

"Sure…sure…" I mumbled, tiredly, on my way to the kitchen.

One bowl of ramen later with no sauce made by the Gods from hell to ruin the faint sweetness of unknown spices, I was face down on the table. Mesmerized in a sick kind of way by the table and the view of the garden. Or a fence that separates the forest and this house. And by Namjoon doing homework like the model student he is.

"Stop it," I demanded, hand covering the notebook.

"If you can't sleep, then you should do yours as well."

"Why should I? The exams are the ones that count, well, and the tests, but we have no tests this week."

I comfortably buried my face in my arms and then quickly asked: "We don't have any tests this week, right?"

"No." He sighed and went on. "And it does matter. It will boost the overall score by a lot of points. It can make a difference from being an average student to an excellent one."

That sentence alone made me snatch the pen from his hand with a weary smile.

"Who said I wanted to be an excellent student?"

"Would it hurt? You have me now. I can help."

"Then help me fall asleep!"

"Have some warm milk and give my pen back."

I was dangling it back and forth in front of him. And he fixated on it for a bit like a cat would follow a toy with its eyes.

"After ramen? That's not a good combination. Besides, shouldn't I be able to sleep by now? Why the hell can't I sleep?!" I complained, looking down.

He seized the opportunity and grabbed my wrist with one hand and took the pen with the other swiftly.

I was pouting, waiting for another chance to attack when he muttered: "Is something bothering you?"

"Well…" I bit my lip and whispered "yeah."

"Want to tell me about it?"

"No. Also, I don't think that's the reason why I can't fall asleep."

"Of course, it isn't." He ironically mumbled.

I scowled. And then a weak bulb turned itself on inside my mind.

"Ah, right! Talking of tests reminded me, Kwan saw me at work! She told me to tell you that she wants you to come to the next club meeting. You know, to help her with math or whatever. I promised I'll drag you no matter what. And also, Bora's having her first performance with the dancing crew! We should go see it together."

"How did you go from tests to…Never mind. Why do you want to go?"

"What do you mean, why? It'll be fun."

"You want to go out, how come?"

"Hey, only one of us is allowed to be in a bad mood at a time." I pointed a finger at him accusatorily, but he wasn't even looking up.

'Pay attention to me.' I heard the thought echo from somewhere far away from a corner of my subconscious, as if it wasn't mine.

I swallowed hard and retreated my finger.

"So, do you want to go?"

"Where?"

"To the club?! And to Bora's thing?"

"Yes and yes." He slammed the notebook shut which had me smiling. Thinking he was finished only to see another notebook replacing the other when my phone started ringing.

"It's Fred." I read out loud, and he simply took it as if it was his own.

"Oy, where's your new phone?"

"Hi. Yeah, I did…a bit later. Nothing...? That's odd. Alright. Half an hour's good?... See you then."

The phone was back on the table and his eyes were on me for the first time since we finished eating.

"I have to go to Fred's in thirty minutes."

"I heard."

"I have to…"

"Deliver. I know. Your job."

"Right."

We both went silent.

The second notebook was wide open next to another book. So, I resumed my sleeping position on the table with my feet stretched out under the table above his.

"You know what?" He suddenly exclaimed.

"No. Wha…" I replied, bored.

Completely taken aback when I felt his hands lifting me up by the armpits and then taking me towards the bedroom.

"I am not in the mood!" I shouted.

Only to be hit in the face with a large black t-shirt after he placed me on the floor like I was a fragile object, but an object nonetheless.

"Shut up. Put this on and take your pants off."

"Aaa…Namjoon. You have to be somewhere else really soon and even if I can't fall asleep, I am still tired."

I informed him of the reality I thought we both should share while he was pulling the curtains down, closing the door, and arranging the bed.

"Come on, I don't have much time." He undressed me without hesitation. My naked skin made contact with the air for a second before the shirt was forced on.

My eyes shut out of sheer surprise, but when any touch ceased, I opened them to see him patting the pillow loudly.

"Ok…" I whispered and laid down facing him only to get turned around and spooned.

"What now?" I asked after a few seconds of utter silence.

"Tell me what's bothering you."

"Ha? What kind of sick therapy is this?!"

"Shut up."

"You just told me to talk."

"Yes. Tell me everything that's on your mind. I won't say anything about it unless you want me to. I won't judge you. I won't even hold it against you. Whatever you say, the moment I walk out that door, I won't even bring it up if you don't want to."

I tried to turn around and look at him, but he just lightly pushed me right back.

"I promise." He added.

"Alright… but doesn't this feel strange to you? It feels strange to me. And I don't know if it's even possible to do that. I mean…"

"If you want to bring it up later, sure. But for now. Just tell me everything and spare me no details."

"Is this some psychological technique I don't know about?" I joked.

"Kinda. My grandma used to do this all the time when I was younger. I had really bad insomnia. If you want, I could offer multiple plausible solutions to your problems or just assess the ones you've already thought of."

"I don't know if…"

"I don't want to be mean, but I really have to go in..." He checked the phone next to him, "less than twenty-five minutes, so stop thinking and start speaking."

"Okay, okay…"

The room was considerably darker, the books on the chair by the door were in the same position as they were when I first entered this room, but the backpack in front of the closet was mine.

I reached for the hand that was against my stomach and held it still. Like a weak guarantee that he won't move until I'm finished.

"You remember what we did…in the shower?" I asked, but then realized he was supposed to listen without much talking, so I just continued when the silence stretched around us, making it even more awkward. "So, when you choked me…" I wanted to check for his expression, but as soon as I glanced behind me, I heard a deep:

"Go on."

"Alright," I cleared my throat, "when you choked me and then you know, made me...orgasm. It was one of the best ones I've ever had." I admitted to both him and myself, and then cleared my throat again, this time, out of embarrassment. "And I really wanted to do that again, but I was kind of afraid to ask. And that's not even it. What am I saying? It's just... last night after you fell asleep…I realized how much I like spending time with you and that I might be getting addic...used to having you around. And that I'd really hate it if you were gone."

Face burning, adrenaline pumping,

I waited.

"That's it?"

"What do you mean, that's it?!"

"Well, is there anything else bothering you?" His tone was calm, mine, a shout.

"What the hell?!"

I tried to look at him and again, meanwhile, he held me in place while I twisted my neck to no avail.

"Do you want to leave it at that? Are you alright with just telling me or do you want my take on it? I don't think there's much to solve though…"

"No. I'd like your input. Or something…"

"Firstly, I'd love to choke you again. In fact, I think I would've done it anyway, honestly. But I am happy to know you enjoy it as much as I do, so there's that." I bit the inside of my lip and closed my eyes. The burning sensation stretched from my cheeks to my neck.

'Ground, just swallow me whole. Why did I even tell him about it? I am so…'

"Secondly, I also got used to you and I'd be miserable if you left me…again. I think I made that pretty obvious last time. But I am glad you feel the same way about that as well."

I forced a chuckle in an attempt to bring my newfound shame to a halt.

"Really? That's it? Alright."

"What do you want me to say? I mean, I'm not going anywhere. Not willingly. And next time you’ll try to leave, I've decided to just tie you up. I'd say by a bed, but I'd have to buy one first."

"That doesn't sound right…"

"Is that it? You like it when I choke you and you like, well, me?"

My embarrassed smile faded and my hand gripped him even harder.

"Well, no. That's not all."

"I'm listening."

The burning subsided and the awareness of my breathing increased.

"You know…Min…Yo..." Voice died in my throat as if the source that was coming from welled up in an instant.

"Who?"

"Min…Min Yoongi?"

"Green hair? Skinny? From our class?"

"Yeah. Him."

"What about him?" His breathing felt heavier against the back of my neck.

'Here goes nothing.'

I then started rambling without inhaling much air:

"I don't know if you noticed then, but we used to be friends when we were young. Like kindergarten and first grade, I think. I don't remember much, but…we got into a fight because some other guys told him I stole something, and that my parents weren't abroad, that they were murderers, hiding from the cops. Anyways, they kept spreading rumors about me and he didn't buy any of it. But there was this one rumor that he believed. I don't know why. He cared about… it. I don't want to go too much into details. It's dumb. To this day, it's ridiculous. But since then, he started bullying me with the same kids who started the rumors, and one day, he just stopped…entirely. He didn't even come near me on purpose. And we never talked since then…until today."

I could feel him slightly moving behind me, so I just added the other hand to the one that was holding his.

"I don't want revenge for anything! Please don't say anything to him about it. I don't care. The past is the past. It's done. We were young, but today he apologized …to me." My voice broke once again and I felt my eyes getting wetter. "And I don't know. I just couldn't believe him. He used to…pretend he wanted to make up with me only to trick me into doing stuff or to…anyways, he used to lie, a bit. Actually, a lot. And now, I don't think he was lying. I am not entirely sure why. Still, there's no point in being friends anyways. I am fine with us not being friends anymore, I think. I don't know why I feel like this…I wanted to forget about it, but when he apologized, I felt like I was a kid again, and that nothing had changed. That my peaceful days were over. I was afraid that it was all just a ploy. And if it wasn't then…that made me scared as well. Then I thought, how did he even find out they lied? Did he get into a fight with them and they used me to inflict emotional pain? Is he in trouble? Why did he even care enough to apologize? Why do I care? What even am I supposed to do?!"

The last sentence struggled its way out and tears just escaped without my consent. And the hand I thought would let go embraced me further.

Turned me around and hugged me while caressing my head.

"Do you want me to suggest a solution or you don't want to talk about it ever again?"

"Help me…" I cried out.

"Jungkook, you don't have to do anything right now. You don't have enough information to make a clear-cut decision. Of course, anyone would be confused. It'd be better if you would just wait and see how things play out. If you think he's really changed, then you can test him out for one last time."

"Test…?" I started hiccupping. He placed a kiss on my forehead.

"Yeah. Bring him here, or to your house. Doesn't matter, a place on your terms is good. A public place can work too. Bottom line is, don't end up alone with him, no matter what he says. And if his friends touch even a single hair on your head, I'll make them wish they had never as much as peeked your way since the day they were born. So, don't worry, alright?"

His warm smile and his words didn't match, but for some reason. I felt safe and sleepy.

I nuzzled further into his chest and joined my hands around his neck.

"He's not a bad guy…I know it." I added.

"Probably. I don't know him well. Although... I could never forget him."

"What do you mean?"

"All three of us used to be in the same class, remember?"

"Right. But we didn't talk much then… I wonder why we almost never…talked."

"Well, we both had our own problems at that time."

"Did you and him ever…"

"No. We didn't talk much either. You and I had different…lives back then. And I liked being alone."

"Oh yeah. I remember that I only heard your voice when you were answering the teacher in class or something."

A smile broke on my face at the memory of the smaller version of us and at the same time, found it weird how two kids that stood in the opposites sides of the class and social spectrum were now embracing in the same bed.

"Do you feel any better?" He asked.

"I think so. Hold on, I need to blow my nose."

I managed to twist towards the door, but his lips collided with mine along the way and kept me in place.

I didn't expect him to get on top of me or for his tongue to invade my mouth. I went with the flow, but it was too much. I was gasping for air and trying to pull away when one hand started going up my back. His weight prevented me from moving and his mouth muffled any complaints I had.

"Na…" I struggled to get out the rest, but his tongue kept playing with mine.

He pulled back. A string of saliva connecting us.

Hands-on both cheeks, forehead against my forehead, he inhaled and exhaled as if he was in pain.

I was panting and dizzy.

"Why'd you do that?" I breathed out.

"Remember when I said that I won't keep things from you again?"

"Yeah."

I tried to see him through puffy eyes. Ignoring the stuffed nose yet even after squinting my eyes, he was blurry.

"Thing is…the reason why Yoongi stopped bothering you, or all of his friends really, was because I…"

His phone started ringing from the other room.

He groaned.

"What did you do?!" I quickly regained his attention.

He sighed.

"I want to lie and say that I simply warned them. I really do. But things escalated quickly, and I kind of …beat them up." My eyes went wide, but he had to keep going: "I didn't like what they were doing to you. I saw it. Everyone knew, but no one did anything. So, I…"

"You…were the one who beat them up? You were the reason why all of them skipped class for a week and why two…"

"Yeah."

'Of course! He also missed class at the same time then. How did I not put two and two together?!'

Our noses touched and our eyes were linked. Mine wide open, his, half-closed.

His two eyes turned into four.

"They got hurt because of me?" Gratitude for the years of peace that followed tried me, but fear and anger were also pulling on my heartstrings.

"There's more."

The phone started ringing from the other room again.

I closed my eyes.

"He, Yoongi grabbed a pipe or stick, I don't remember which one but, he hit me in the back of the head with it. However, I didn't blackout. So, I was the one who…broke his," he inhaled and whispered, "arm or shoulder. Whatever... then, I just heard a crack."

I tried to lean against my elbows, unable to blink, staring at him, but seeing nothing.

"The reason why he was in the hospital for weeks and why he wore that cast, it was you?! All you?!" I pushed him away, and he just let me scoot back with new tears forming.

"He wasn't able to lift his arm for months!" I reminded him.

"I know."

"He's still not allowed to play any sports."

"I know."

"He's still taking pills in class for the…"

"Jungkook. I know…"

"He hit you in the head?" I wiped the tears and felt my face burning up.

"We were kids. He probably didn't know any better either. I didn't know my own strength and I was bleeding; I was angry and scared…hey, don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I am some kind of villain. They were horrible to you, writing things on your desk, spitting in your food, needles in your shoes, stealing your books, spreading lies, calling you names...making you trip and cry in the bathroom alone! They must've thought they could beat me good and keep going, but I…"

"Thank you."

A second of utter quietness followed.

"For what?"

"For protecting me."

I somehow, slipped from under him while he stared, bewildered.

He also got up.

"You don't mean that! You look scared!"

"I am not."

"Then why are you looking at me like that?!"

"Like what?!"

"Like I am about to hit you!"

"Stop yelling at me!"

"I didn't mean to…"

The phone was blasting again. But Namjoon covered his mouth.

"Go answer it."

"No. Jungkook. Look at me!"

He closed the distance between up and held my hands before he whispered: "I liked you. No. The boy I had a big crush on was being mistreated, and not even for a good reason. I didn't mean to fuck his shoulder for life. That was not in my plan. It just happened. Sometimes I wish that I would've just passed out after he hit me..."

"I know. I am just tired and…I know. I know you only did it because you wanted to help."

"Yes."

"And they were all assholes anyway."

"Every single one of them."

"Besides Yoongi."

He paused.

"Besides Yoongi." And then repeated what I just said.

"Tell me just one more thing though…"

My phone started ringing as well.

"What?"

I bit the inside of my lip hard enough to feel pain.

His eyes went wide after I asked: "Dal's broken leg, you did that too?"

Mouth agape.

The phones were the only ones making noise.

At last, he nodded.

"He…tried to break mine. So, I broke his." An argument that I didn't want to hear.

"It's fine," I said, loudly. "It's fine!"

He didn't look convinced.

I wiped my tears with my sleeve; his hand still holding mine.

"It's all in the past." I continued. "It's Fine."

"Is it?!"

"No. It's not! But you regret it now, don't you?"

"Of course I do. They were my classmates. One of them was your friend! Things just…went horribly wrong Jungkook. It was six against one! They could've killed me if they wanted to. They could've killed me by mistake too. I just wanted to make them stop hitting me, but they wouldn't give up…"

"Right. It's fine. Just don't… do it again."

"But if they start bullying you again..."

"I will figure it out myself."

"Jungkook!"

"No. They probably heard about the guy you destroyed last month. What was his name? Anyway, they wouldn't try their luck again. Well, if they even knew we are together which they don't. But like you said, they were kids. They grew up. Only Yoongi and Dal are in our class now. So, it'll be fine."

"I won't break any of their bones. I can punch without breaking anything now."

"Are you sure about that?" It came out more judgmental than I wanted it to.

The constant ringing was giving me a headache.

"Yes." He said, clearly meaning it.

"I believe you'd try. But I'll handle it by myself if something happens anyways."

"Please. If you get in trouble, tell me. Don't hide things from me. I didn't hide this from you on purpose, I tried so hard to erase it from my brain and now, you just brought it up and... Look, I'll do my best. Let me be by your side if they do something or…"

I cut him off.

"What are you talking about? You promised nothing will leave this room unless I want it to."

His eyes went wide. And his grip loosened and slipped down my sweaty palms.

I headed towards the phone and picked it up:

"Kid. Why are you not answering? Where even are you?! I told you that I have a serious problem with…"

"It's Jungkook. Hold on."

"Jungkook…Hi."

"Hi. Namjoon, take the phone."

He was still facing the spot I was in a second ago, now, he was facing just the wall.

"Namjoon…Fred says there's a problem." I informed him, feeling like I was about to collapse at any moment.

When he turned around, his face was absolutely, utterly, and incredibly unreadable.

Fingers didn't even graze mine when he took it and went out into the kitchen.

"Hi. Sorry… Who?... Yeah… I'm on my way."

He didn't say goodbye. He didn't even look at me. He just grabbed his jacket and slammed the door on his way out.

And I fell to the ground, ready to release all the tears that I kept inside when the mental image of them beating each other up to a bloody pulp because of me kept redrawing itself inside my mind.

But the anxiety was setting in and my eyes remained dry. As if I had just done a horrible mistake that not only didn I not know how to fix. But it was making my body feel weak. And the thought that I've hurt Namjoon after being honest with me started to burn me alive minutes after he was gone.

My phone started ringing again, and I half wished it was Namjoon. But when I saw the word 'mom' staring back at me from the screen, I threw the phone at the wall, where Namjoon was just a moment ago.

I curled up on the futon and covered my ears.

But the phone kept on ringing.

Chapter Text

By the time Namjoon got home, I was already asleep.

When I woke up, however, I got the answer to the question: did I make him upset? When for the first time, I wasn't the little spoon. No, not even a leg was thrown on top of me or at least, part of his arm.

He wasn't even facing me.

Another person could fit in the space between us.

My eyes fixated themselves at the back of his head and when I finally looked away, it felt like all the guilt was slowly suffocating me. So, I smoked my emotions away.

Instead of making them smaller, they felt even more real than they did before.

"Hey, get up. It's…"

He flinched as if my touch was painful.

Looking as if he hasn't been sleeping at all.

"I'll go take a shower."

"It's too late for that. Do you know what time is it?" I argued.

"Why didn't you wake me up sooner then?" The bite in his words was probably unintentional or at least, that's what I told myself.

I didn't have to tell him to let go of my hand when we got too close to school 'cause he was walking ahead of me, without looking back.

And I almost forgot the reason why he was passive-aggressive with me until I saw Yoongi appearing bored in his seat and the usual classmates hanging by his side.

He ignored me as well.

Neither looked at each other.

It was like we never talked.

I sank into a dark hole inside the pit of my stomach, that felt more like a hurricane. And I waited for this day to pass. The clock on the wall made no sound, but I could've sworn there was this countdown that was driving me insane.

We walked home, hand in hand with our new best friend: silence.

I was forced with the fact that his legs were indeed longer than mine.

Little old me, trying to catch up with him, like a child chasing after his parent.

After a while, I gave up.

I watched him getting inside his house and leaving me behind the door all alone.

Biting the inside of my lip and feeling like my whole body was just a big wound, I went in, ready to talk. But he wasn't there to hear the unprepared speech I was ready to perform.

The sound of the shower hit me like a slap to the face.

When I saw him next, he was making food for both of us.

I accepted the remote while we ate dinner and watched Tv like it was a peace offering.

We kept talking like nothing happened.

But I didn't buy it.

So, when we went to sleep and he turned around, I placed an arm around his chest and my face against his back.

He didn't say or do anything. We just fell asleep like that.

The next day he showered alone, but then he offered me a cup of hot coffee on our way to school and along the way, we somehow ended up talking about the difference between a cheap coffee and an expensive one, a cold one or a hot one and most importantly, plastic cups, cans or actual cups. Pretty soon, I tried to ignore the fact that he always kept a distance of two or three steps from me. Until he said this:

"You know, I'm thinking of joining a gym."

"Are you kidding me? When? You've like three free hours during the day. Four max."

"It'll only take one hour. It's not far from here either."

"Can I come too?" I wondered.

"Of course. Do you really want to, though? I didn't think working out was your thing."

"It isn't. But I am willing to make it my... new thing."

'Since you'll have no more time left for me…'

The rest of the day was the same. I expected that. However, what I didn't expect was for him to get a day off delivering to stay home while I had to go to work.

Somehow, I managed to persuade my boss to let me go home one hour earlier than usual, only to find Namjoon studying.

"Hey…"

"Mm…" He threw the sound at me absently.

"Did you eat?"

"Mhm."

"Ramen?" I asked seeing that some hot water was still creating steam from a pot.

He didn't bother repling. Focused entirely on his history book.

"You're free today?"

"Fred said so." He looked at the time, "Weren't you supposed to work for one more hour?"

"I…I didn't feel well, so I left."

"How come?"

He looked up for the first time, so I left my backpack by the table and sat next to him.

"I think I have a fever."

He did exactly what I wanted him to do.

Hand on my forehead, he said: "I don't feel anything."

And then I did what two beers in the staff's room gave me the courage to do, which was to pretend to want to get in the corner of the table by pretty much touching the front of his body with the back of my own.

I safely reached the other side. He resumed studying as if my ass against his junk was not affecting him in any way.

'The same guy who jerked me off while I was cooking 'cause he couldn't wait until I was done…'

With the obvious lie of: "It's too hot in here". I took off my shirt.

He didn't even look.

So, I blurted out, at the end of my rope, red as a tomato: "Want to take a shower with me?"

Pencil between teeth, glasses on nose, and eyes wide. He seemed to be taken aback.

With a voice barely above a whisper: „...sure”

I got in first and waited. Minutes later, he joined and started washing. Not even facing me once. He was under the water and out in less time than it took him to come in.

He was all dressed up and studying by the time I was done.

A joint, frustration and a blurry walk of shame toward the bed had me almost in tears.

"Jungkook, aren't you eating?!" He screamed from the other room.

"I am not hungry," I said, turning my whole body toward the window, and fell into a sleep-like coma.

The morning was the same. In the late afternoon, the house was empty and quiet enough to allow the cogs inside my brain to turn in the search of the safest way to approach the obvious elephant in the room.

Nonetheless, when his 'work' was over, I couldn't bring myself to ruin the seemingly good mood.

He was humming and cooking while I was staring from the corner, like I was a statue.

"Come taste this."

I complied.

"Is this soup?"

"Yes and no."

"Which one is it?"

I went for a second taste.

"It's not ready yet." He touched the spoon, but not my hand. So, I held onto it as a child would.

To my disappointment, he simply let go.

"Fine, but it'll be better if you let it boil for ten more minutes."

I abandoned the spoon on the counter as he resumed cutting more vegetables with the same carefree expression on his face.

Beating myself up for even caring about the lack of physical affection, I smoked some more and went to bed without eating again.

Friday arrived like a ton of bricks on top of a thin, old bowl filled to the brim with milk and cereal. It was official, ever since Monday, Namjoon hadn't touched me at all. Not even by mistake. We ate together, watched Tv together, dressed in the same room, walked on the same road, and returned to the same place. We even showered once. And the conversations never strayed from the usual.

During this wonderful time in our relationship, I increased my weed consumption and as if to spite me, my tolerance increased faster than a plane taking flight in a warzone. When we were finally on our way to the club and the weekend was making itself known, I could see the hallway, the creases on his shirt, and the stairway leading to the rooftop way too clearly.

'I'm almost out…'

Since he promised not to bring it up and I forced him to stay true to his word. I remained, the only one capable of taking the elephant by the tail and swinging it around until it decreased in size. Hopefully.

But I couldn't.

Even though he wouldn't come near me, everything else was the same. If we were only friends, I probably wouldn't have noticed that he was probably, most likely, mad like hell.

And yet I was also a coward that wouldn't go down the hole I helped dig between us with a ten-foot pole. I wanted to jump over it like it was nothing, so I reached for his hand when the bathroom that used to be the only place we ever interacted was to our left. He didn't turn around. He didn't close his fingers around my hand. He just let me hold it and continued walking.

"I am going to the roof." I blurted out.

"Alright."

So, I let go. And he kept walking.

My little haven near the sky felt colder. My spot, lonelier. The songs were muffled by the multitude of thoughts that were attacking simultaneously. And the weed…wasn't doing much. Maybe because I went overboard in the past couple of days. Maybe because this time it just wasn't strong enough, or perhaps my emotions were amplified by it instead of dulled.

I couldn't tell the reason why, but after just a few desperate hits, I was out and heading for the club room with minus ten sanity level.

'I think it’s all my fault.' That is what I wanted to tell Sony when he grinned at me with a lollipop dangling from his lips.

"I did all the exercises you've told me. And I still don't get this…" Kwan's frustrated tone was letting me know that Namjoon was currently keeping his promise.

'Yoongi didn't even glance my way since then. After I made sure that my boyfriend wouldn't protect me…like the retard that I am.'

"Jungkook, how good are you at dancing?"

'Bora, I don't know what to do. If I bring it up, doesn't that mean that I have to give him the approval to kill Yoongi in case he does anything remotely suspicious. Ever?'

"Earth to Jungkook? Want to land?"

'And what should I say? I am sorry that after opening up, I pretty much sent you the message to never to do it again?'

"Hey!" She shook me back and forth, but I only responded after I saw Namjoon paying more attention to us than Kwan, who was obviously trying to retain his focus by pretty much covering his face with the notebook.

"Not good at all."

"Oh, I thought you didn't hear me." She let me go, trying to appear indifferent. "'s fine anyway. Just tell me if anything looks out of place."

I absently nodded. And from the table, I heard a shout:

"Kwan be silent! A show from Bora herself is about to begin!" Sony announced and the big guy started clapping, a bit confused as to what he was supposed to be excited about.

"Sony, bite me."

"You wish." He mumbled with a smirk on his face.

She turned around, while I stayed in the corner, leaning against the wall. Arms crossed.

The choreography seemed simple. And the song that was coming from her phone wasn't helping her case.

I wasn't interested at all.

'Why do I even want him to touch me? What's wrong with me?'

"Yoo-hoo! Shake that booty!"

"Guys! Be quiet! I can't concentrate. Ah! I made a mistake. Now I have to start over. Sorry, Jungkook."

I nodded and fixated my eyes in her direction.

'Or is it just because I know the reason behind it? Is it the guilt? But wasn't I right? Or was I wrong?'

My eyes slowly, but surely drifted towards the floor and Bora's already forced smile faded.

"Are you even paying attention?!" She screamed, all movements becoming sloppy.

'I need someone who can look at this objectively. I can't talk to him until I make up my mind.'

"Ok! Thank you but, no thank you."

The song was abruptly stopped.

Bora grabbed her bright neon phone and stormed out.

"What?" I asked the silence that followed.

"Bora!"

Kwan yelled immediately after and just before she went out to follow her, she sent me a look that was a beautiful mixture of anger and confusion.

When Kwan's face disappeared, it was replaced with Namjoon's who was blankly staring right at me.

Not puzzled at all.

"Jungkook, my man. I know she doesn't have the best moves, but she was already on edge about the…" Sony informed me from his seat.

I simply grabbed my backpack before he finished, and walked out without looking back. Because I was certain, Namjoon wasn't going to follow me.

I heard a girl crying after a couple of steps and saw Kwan embracing Bora in a corner of a hall that split off from the main. And I was ready to apologize for the way I acted right then and there when I heard Kwan saying: "It doesn't mean that you're not good enough, it just means you're not his type. Maybe he likes someone else."

"But he's the one who said he had to have me in his team…"

I kept walking. Clenched the phone and sent Namjoon a text that was just enough to keep us on good terms even if the ground we were standing on was paper-thin: "Jung's back tomorrow. So, I need to tidy up before he arrives. I'll be home late."

If I wasn't confident in the gravity of things, his text solidified it: „Ok." 

"That's it?!" I yelled out loud near the exit of the school.

I scrolled through my agenda and without thinking, and I called Fred.

"Hi." A sleepy voice answered.

"Hi. It's Jungkook."

"Hi."

'You already said that.'

"Can I come over?"

"Already out of candy?"

"Ca…? Right. Yeah."

"Then come on over."

I exhaled loudly.

"Actually, there's also something else I need to talk to you about. So, it might take a bit…So, I know this might sound strange but are you home, alone?"

I checked if he hung up since there was no sound for several seconds.

"…yes. Why?"

"It's nothing big. I just don't want Namjoon to…" I bit my lip and then stopped in the middle of the street. "Can you not tell Namjoon if I talked to you about… something? Like ever? If you can't, I'll respect it, but I'd rather you be honest with me. I mean, you've known him for a long time and I'm a stranger, but I had a feeling that you were a good person so…"

"Kid."

I straightened up my back at the serious tone.

"Yes?"

"You can talk about anything you want and I won't repeat a word. Unless it's something that endangers him, you or…"

"No. Nothing of the sort." I quickly added.

"But if you want to be all buddy buddy, then you also have to keep whatever I ever tell you only to yourself. After all, it takes two to tango."

"Of course. Always."

"Even if he forces it out of you?"

"What? Forces how?"

A few seconds of silence were followed by a chuckle.

"I am just messing with you. Just come here. I need some coffee. And... Jungkook?"

"Yes?"

"Where does he think you're going to be in the next hours?"

I swallowed.

"Home."

"Hm. And how are you going to explain when you show up with a new bag of candy? Do you have some more at your place?"

"No," I admitted, quietly. Feeling defeated.

"Then you're just coming to have an old chat with your new pal, aren't you?"

"I guess." I grinned. And at the same time, cursed the fact that I messaged Namjoon before calling.

"I'll send you the address, so you won't get lost. See you later."

He hung up.

And I stared at the device as if it was a foreign object.

'He’s sending the adress… in case… I'm…this... is…he knows addicts. Doesn't he?'

I started fast walking towards his house on autopilot.

And cursed my last message all the way there.

'Can't I just tell him I'm going over to Fred's by myself? I am allowed to. He's my new dealer. He said so, but still…'

I passed through the same park Namjoon and I took a walk in, even though I could bet that this was the longest way to get there.

'Why don't I want him to know? Maybe if I take the stuff and then tell him I went to Fred's? Will he get mad? Why should he? Because I lied? Is it a lie if I changed my mind when I got home? But if I tell him now and I am not home and he wants to come with…'

I rang Fred again and asked for the intercom number.

Seconds later, I was out of the elevator panting since I fast walked the whole way.

The door was already wide open, Fred right by it holding a steaming cup of something. Looking tired.

'It's too late to change my story. I lied. And Fred knows. Namjoon will know as well if I tell him anything now. Screw it..'

"Hi," I said, taking my jacket and backpack off, standing in the middle of his living room with the said objects in my hands, not knowing what to do with myself.

"On the couch."

I did as I was told and then hesitantly walked to the chair that had a cup of something right in front of it.

"So…" I started, unable to look him in the eye.

"So." He repeated with a small smile. "What did he do this time?" He asked as a father would ask about his child.

I cupped the mug and warmed my hands instead of my stomach.

"He didn't. I did." I stared at the dark liquid.

The scent of cocoa flew up lazily and calmed me down just a tiny bit.

"What did you do?"

"He, I…" I bit the inside of my lips and glanced at the phone that was right next to the mug with furrowed brows. And then continued: "I think I was right. But I am not sure."

"About?"

I sighed and took a sip.

'It's good.'

"If you've changed your mind and you don't want to tell me, I won't get mad."

"No. I want to tell you. I'm just not sure what to say."

"The beginning, the middle, and the end."

And that's exactly what I did. Skipping the actual start of the conversation only to jump straight to the problematic part, ending before I refused to answer my mother's phone call.

"What do you think?"

"I think you two are a match made in heaven." He said laughing.

"It's not funny. He tells me how he regrets his past actions and then how he'll make them wish they were never born. How does that make any sense?!"

"It does, for Namjoon, at least."

"How?! I don't understand…"

"You can't right now. You will, if you stick around for long enough."

I couldn't stop blinking unconsciously.

"Look…" He cleared his throat, "I know for a fact that Namjoon regrets what he did to those punks."

"How…?" I asked, voice barely above a whisper.

"Where do you think he went after he got hit in the head? Home? At his…" He smiled and then coughed.

"To you? How long had you two known each other?"

"Let's just say that his mother and I knew each other long before Namjoon was even born. And let's just leave it at that." He smiled again, briefly. And after it was gone, what remained on his face was a hint of actual rage.

He got up and poured himself a second cup of coffee as if he was trying to hide his face.

"She told you to take care of him, so you felt responsible to…"

"Ha! No!" He burst out laughing in the most sarcastic, saddest, and fullest laugh I've ever heard someone laugh.  He cleared his throat and continued: "I did it because he was a good kid. He still is. He just didn't have the best environment in which to, you know…flourish."

"His mother didn't love him?" I dared to ask. And for a quick moment, he threw me a look that told me not to ask about his mother ever again. At the same time, answering by not defending her at all.

"So…that night. He was a child, desperately trying to get a grown-up to help those punks to a hospital because of what he's done in his altered state of mind."

"Altered state of mind?"

"Being mistreated, being treated unfairly and…well, any amount of stress that surpasses your pain tolerance is bound to leave a scar. He was afraid for his life and he hid that fear only for it to explode in his face, in the form of blind fury. Misguided as it was. But it was all, in order to survive. I'm sure you'd understand the desire to keep going despite living a nightmare." He toasted me with the cup in mid-air from the sink, I toasted back from the table.

"I have a pretty good idea."

"And he survived a lot of things that a child shouldn't have. Maybe one day he'll tell you about it. As for now, it is not my story to tell. But that night, when no one was coming at him anymore and he finally saw what he had done, he not only felt remorseful… but he was ready to take responsibility just so they wouldn't be in any grave danger. Physically, that is."

"But how? The rumor was that the janitor found them. No one else knew…They wouldn't even say who it was that beat them up. In what way did he take any kind of responsibility?!" I screamed.

"He didn't. Because he came to me. And I wouldn't let him."

Mouth agape, I stared at the grownup sipping from his coffee with new eyes.

"What?" I breathed out; a bit judgmental.

"The kid went to tell them to stop bullying one of his classmates." He deadpanned. "And they jumped him. They attacked him. Thing is, he started fighting back. And when he did, they didn't run, they didn't stop. He told you that motherfucker hit him in the head, right? And that's all he told you?! True or not true?"

His eyes went cold, hands seemed stiff as he almost smashed the cup when he laid it down on the counter and crossed his arms with a clenched jaw.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"They also bit him, scratched him, punched him with both their fists and legs, cut him, burned him and…"

"They burned him?!"

"I am not finished. Slammed him against the ground by the head, missing hair tells you a lot and oh, and broke a few ribs too."

I got up as if I could do anything about it now. I just felt my heart beating out of my chest and the room spinning.

He continued with anger-filled eyes and a smirk: "That kid was the most honest idiot I've ever met. So, when he told me everything that happened, I realized that all he did was defend himself. And yet, soaked in blood and limping, he came to me to say and I quote: I need you to take them to the hospital, I can't call an ambulance or they'll tell my mom. Please, save them! It's all my fault!" He mimicked the voice of what sounded to me like a little girl, but I couldn't find it in me to laugh.

He spat in the sink with the eyes of a man that was ready to kill and continued: "As if. If it was up to me, I would've continued what he started. And no, I am not saying what he did was right, but those punks had it coming and I wasn't going to ruin his entire future for some spoiled brats with a golden spoon up their ass playing the innocent card to their brainwashed parents."

"They aren't rich…" I faintly mentioned while sitting down with a hand to my forehead.

"Yeah, they were and probably still are. To me and to Namjoon. They're rich. How? If his mom went to his school after this incident, by some miracle, they would've believed anyone but her. Innocent or not. Namjoon had nothing besides the roof above his head. Those parents had money to throw on desserts, and jewelry every few months. That, when you're piss poor, is rich."

'There were never any sweets in his fridge…' I covered my eyes.

"Look, Jungkook, I don't want you to pity him, but I want you to understand the position he was in and why he didn't tell you. Especially, why his friends will never rat him out. He won, one against six, or seven, I don't remember exactly, but even three against one is unfair. And then he managed to run to get help for someone other than himself. I don't know about you, but I'd find that hard to do now. He didn't even care that he was bleeding from his head, clothes ripped and ribs hurting every time he inhaled."

His tone seemed to be getting angrier and angrier, nails digging into his arms and eyes making my chest hurt.

"Wait…I can't…I get it but..."

"No. He wanted my help, so I helped him. I locked him up in my house for weeks to one: make sure he wasn't impaired for life. And two: convince him that it was not his fault. But he didn't believe me. That colossal idiot. He just promised me he wouldn't talk about it anymore. He broke his promise too. Fucking brat…" He leaned against the counter he used as a table and looked at me with almost disgust. "He even convinced you that it was his fault, that's how good a manipulative heartless parent is at teaching a child that everything is one's own fault. And no, he's no saint! Far from it, but he's not the monster they say he is. He's just a kid that had to fight his whole life and somehow, managed to stay alive so now, they say he's not human! Why?! Because they couldn't kill him! So, it must be something inhumane about him! Or else it wouldn't make any sense for their small brains."

The irony was not lost on me, but the malice was oozing out of him. Once again, he looked away and spat. As if they were in the sink with their mouths open.

"Thank you, for telling me all this. But I still don't want him to keep fighting…Especially if he's not to blame…"

"No. He wasn't to blame then. But I am not saying he won't be now."

"What do…you…mean?" I felt a cold chill down my spine when he smiled.

"After you get cornered so many times, you don't wait for the dogs to surround you first. You learn from the past and bite first."

"You're telling me that he already talked to…."

The memory of Yoongi talking to a classmate popped up in my mind and left me limp in the chair of a dealer's living room:

('"What are you doing tonight?"

"I have some shit I need to go to…"

"What? I told you we need you on our team. We're outnumbered without you, man. What the heck?"

"Sorry."

"You told me you were coming yesterday!"

"It's out of my hands."

"You must be kidding me. What the hell is so important?"

"Trust me. You don't want to know." As an afterthought, he added: "It's…family stuff."

"Man. Your parents never cared where you are. What are you on?"')

For the second time that day, I got up from Fred's chair. This time, however, I used so much force and speed that the chair fell over.

"The next day…he missed class." The sentence came out without my incentive, like a man, sleep talking.

"What? I didn't hear you."

"Namjoon beat Yoongi up already. Didn't he?"

He rubbed his chin and squinted his eyes and asked: "Did the punk have some wounds or something?"

"No, but he missed school after he supposedly went somewhere with his family."

"Jungkook. Don't get all paranoid on me now. If the punk's attending class and he's as good-natured as you say, they most likely, had a chat. Stick with the facts: no bruises, no fight."

"But…he never talked to me again after that day," I complained.

"Namjoon?"

"Yoongi."

"Are you sure this Yogi guy wasn't only feeling guilty about whatever shit he ate years ago and wanted to clear his conscience?"

"I don't know…I don't know him…that well."

"So, what? You're going to go find out and then blame Namjoon for being protective of you?"

"No…"

I picked up the chair and sat on it, feeling shaky. Fred also sat down.

"Whatever happens, he'll blame himself."

"Huh?"

"He might be the one who punches first, but the one who provoked first, wouldn't be him. He doesn't go out looking to leave proof for the police. Never will. He's too overprotective of what he's got."

"But why? Sometimes, I'm scared to even talk to other people in front of him. It's like he's scared they're going to kidnap me or something…"

He sighted in such an exasperated way that might've as well have said: You're a fucking moron.

"If you have an infinite number of toys, you don't care if a few get ripped or stolen. But if you only got like one or two and no money, wouldn't you do anything to make sure nothing happened to them?"

"I guess…."

Silence. My head was hurting and my hands were cold.

'I want to smoke so badly right now.'

The man got a text and was giving it his entire attention while I started fidgeting and trying to convince myself not to say anything. But the moment the phone was in his jeans, it went out of me like a broken dam:

"Can you give me…" I cleared my throat.

"What? Food? Something to drink? Some chocolate? The kid told me you like it." He headed for the fridge.

But when I didn't answer, he looked at me, smiled, and laughed quietly, yet bitterly.

"Just one?"

"Yeah."

"Got it."

For the first time, I smoked in a dealer’s presence. It was unnerving, watching him watch me. That was until it worked.

It was enough to keep me from rolling on the floor to shake the image of a young Namjoon bleeding and crying because of Yoongi and his friends.

"By the way, not that it's my business or anything…well, as a matter a fact, I'd rather you didn't quit anytime soon," He joked with a grin, "but why weed? And why so often?"

"Mm…the world is too…clear."

His lifted eyebrow urged me to go on and I did after I exhaled some smoke: "Maybe I have heightened emotions, well, all the bad ones. The good ones are really rare. Maybe I can't cope with them in any other way, but I like it. The predictability it gives me as if there's a baseline I can count on, you know? The world gets a little bit blurrier, less real as if…it's not so bad, being alive…"

"You know weed heightens emotions most of the time, right? That makes it anything, but predictable."

The image flipped as if the screen had been reversed. And a glass inside my mind got broken. I could hear the sound it made, so I reached for my forehead in an attempt to keep the shards contained.

"You alright? Have some water."

"It used to be…"

"What?" He handed me a cold-water bottle and stayed by my side as if ready for anything.

"It used to be more predictable. When I was alone all the time. I was mostly numb…and now…I don't know. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster and I keep waiting for the ride to stop while I am in the middle of the fall."

"You're one of those who get metaphorical when high, kid?"

"Thank you," I said, after taking a small sip out of the bottle and pushing it towards him right after.

He patted me on the shoulder.

The room seemed like it was filled with smoke even after he cracked the window. I could still see it.

"What are you going to do with the information I gave you?"

"About?"

"Namjoon! Don't tell me you already forgot?"

"Oh. No." I checked the phone and saw no missed calls or messages. And something in my chest started to burst and left behind a high-pitched sound that kept screaming in my ears. "I'll apologize."

"For what?"

"For thinking it was his fault."

"But he thinks it is his fault! And you said you won't tell him you were here. Besides, I don't think he'll be happy that I told you what I just did…"

"Then I should just…" With movements that seemed to last forever, I buried my head in my arms on the open kitchen counter that doubled as a table and sighed. "I don't know. What should I do?" I looked up to witness his pained expression.

"I think I overestimated your tolerance." He said to himself, quietly.

"You did? My what?"

"Never mind. Let’s focus…The best thing you could do now is to open that can of worms and air it out."

"And say what?" Hands spread on the counter, I felt myself smiling when I heard him mimicking my own voice:

"Repeat after me: I don't care what happens to those other guys, I just don't want You to get hurt."

Wide-eyed and a bit flustered, I tried: "I don't care what happens to those guys…I don't want you to get hurt."

"No, no. Add some feeling to it. Come on, try again."

"Pheff!" I pouted and leaned back in the chair, "He's not even going to get hurt. I should show you a picture of the other guys. They're half his size. At least the two in our class. There's no chance they'd beat him in a fight."

"Yeah, if they play fair. Which they might not."

"You like to talk in circles, don't you?"

"There's more than one way to skin a cat, Jungkook."

"No. He can't get hurt." I mumbled like a child.

"He's only human, you know? And there are things like knives and guns…"

"No. I don't want him to get hurt. I won't allow it."

"That's what I am saying! Use that tone too! Tell him that and maybe he'll listen. If you show concern about the other guys…that'll make things worse for them." He smiled, yet my hands turned into fists.

We chatted some more, drank some more water and half a cup of hot chocolate later, I was in a taxi, on my way home when my brain convinced me that I had probably missed his text. Checked the phone and saw that no one had called or messaged me.

'Why am I worried? He doesn't even care where I am anymore.'

I left the taxi a few meters away from his street only to zone out while trying to see anything through the covered windows before colliding with the tiny locked gate.

'Shit.'

I struggled with the lock for what seemed like infinity and went inside carefully.

'Look normal. Pretend you're sober. All is fine. Normal speed. What is normal speed anyway? I should just go to bed and…'

The back door was open. Revealing Namjoon dressed in the same white T-shirt and black pants he wore at school, watering the plants with a hose in one hand and an almost empty bottle of wine in the other.

Tears gathered in my throat, but I didn't want to let them flow. I just let the backpack fall to the ground and ran up to him, barefoot.

I barely felt the small pebbles that got stuck on my feet when I back hugged him like a child.

"What are you doing?" He asked, not even turning around to look at me.

I started crying. No. I bawled my eyes out in the next second, begging: "Don't drink. Don't be sad. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have blamed you. Who cares if they die? Who cares if I die? I only care if you don't die. So, don't die. Please."

"Who said anything about dying?" He asked, voice slightly softer. Hose turned off. "Why are you crying?"

He dropped it to the ground and for the first time in days, he touched my hand, mostly to pull me in front of him, but I held on tight.

"If you fight and they fight back. You might get hurt. Don't get hurt. That's how you can protect me, that's the only way…"

I buried my head in his back and wet his shirt with my tears. Sobbing loudly. Talking to Fred in my head saying: I didn't consider him getting hurt. Why did you put that in my head?

He sighed. And then said:

"Too late."

"What?" I asked, breathless.

I let go and faced him.

I examined his face and arms, neck, and the little I could see of his legs.

"What do you mean? Did you fight them already? What do you mean?!" I screamed. He smiled.

"Not exactly. But I did have to fight someone else and I got hurt…but don't get sad abou…."

I embraced him from the front, unable to catch my breath. I was actually pleased when the bottle fell from his hand after I pretty much jumped on him.

"Where? Where'd you get hurt?"

"I'd tell you if you'd stop squeezing me…I like the rare times when you're the one embracing me, but right now, it kinda hurts."

Eyes wide, it hit me.

I stepped back and reached for his pants. When he realized that, he smiled warmly and before I could pull on them, he lifted up his shirt to reveal a bandage that covered his entire stomach.

The tears stopped, but the pain inside my body kept going.

"Who?" I whispered and traced the white fabric for a moment before he released the shirt and kissed every single finger.

"It doesn't matter." He whispered back.

"The hell it doesn't! Who was it?! Why didn't you tell me?! Since when?!" I screamed with no regard to whom might hear.

"Shh. Let's go inside." He came closer to me, and the alcohol strained breath made me even angrier.

"I am not going anywhere! Who hurt you?! Why didn't you go to a hospital?!"

"Who do you think bandaged me?"

"How should I know? You never tell me anyt…!"

He kissed me. Probably to shut me up. Or maybe because he was drunk, but despite all the anger and sadness, I missed it too much to stop it.

His tongue circled mine, lips sucked, and teeth bit. I was running out of breath but wished he'd keep going. Just so, I wouldn't have to think about the person who had clearly cut him.

We breathed into each other's open mouths, not being able to go on and yet not wanting to stop.

Too drunk and too high.

'A match made in heaven, he said.' I chuckled; Namjoon smiled even though he didn't know why I started laughing. He gave my forehead a peck and pulled me inside. He closed the backdoor and sat down.

I was right next to him when the words: "It wasn't Min Yoongi. It was revenge." Left his mouth.

"For what?"

"For stealing drugs."

"You stole…"

"Not exactly. They were ours, to begin with. We just took them back, but from their point of view…"

"But when did you do that?"

"I didn't. Fred did. Remember? When he got robbed?"

"Yeah."

"They couldn't get him alone, so they paid a guy to pretend to be a normal junkie wanting some and he stabbed me. Eye for an eye. Plain and simple."

The way he talked was as if he said: A guy walked into a bar, I said hi, he said hi and then he offered me a drink. So, I drank it.

I felt like I just got slapped.

"And what did you do?"

"What else? Got him locked up."

"What…?"

"It was so easy. It all came to me like a freaking joker at a poker session."

"The police got involved…?"

He seemed excited to tell me:

"Hid all the drugs I had on me in his pockets. And called the police with a knife to his back."

I shoot him a concerned look. "What? How did you expect me to keep him from running? I made a pretty compelling case when they turned up, I was bleeding and holding onto his shirt like a damsel in distress. The guy was a coward, also, the cops showed up fast. Faster than I thought was possible. It was a miracle that they didn't see the knife. I was blessed that day." He finished with a nostalgic stare and a smile.

"Wait, which day? When did this happen?"

"After we got into a fight about, you know… mint hair."

"That's not possible! We had a shower together the next day! And I didn't see…"

"Did I ever let you see my front?"

"No. But…why did you hide it from me?"

"It wasn't that deep, so I didn't want you to worry. I'm almost healed. I tell you, that guy sucked."

"Luckily!"

"Yeah. I mean, it was no fun, but yeah. I didn't want to add more salt to the wound after what we just talked about. I didn't want you to assume anything, you were on edge, and…"

I hugged him, no, I held him still as I refused to let myself start crying and enunciated every word: "I don't care. Never hide that you're hurt from me ever again. Never. Alright?"

"Alright. But it doesn't hurt much now. Well, it does a bit when you hug me hard."

"Sorry…" I pulled back and looked at his torso as if I was seeing it the first time.

"So, what was with all the dying stuff?"

"What stuff?"

"You know, you said you don't care if anyone else dies, but that I shouldn't die. And some bullshit about you dying which by the way, you're not allowed to do."

I chuckled.

"You just won't allow it, huh?"

"I won't."

"Is that how life and death works?" I went on, jokingly.

"It does now, yes." He reached for my waist and just kept holding me, face near, but not enough to kiss me.

I sighed. His blurry eyes were fixated on my lips, I took advantage of it and said: "Don't get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt. Promise you'll try to avoid fighting, so you don't get hurt."

"I promise."

I leaned closer. And then back when he added: "I might not be successful. People keep coming at me, but I'll try my best." He smirked with a faint laugh.

"Just run," I whispered, dead serious.

"No fun." He whispered back and to my surprise, embraced me.

I lightly embraced him back.

"Did minty even talk to you again?"

"No."

"Figures…"

'Did you talk to Yoongi?' I thought.

And then, eyes closed. Drowning in the warmth of his body over mine, it hit me. I leaned back and looked straight in his eyes, as blurry as they were:

"You're telling me that the reason why you didn't touch me for days was that you got stabbed and not because…!" And then my voice died and a blush emerged while I kept him at an arm's length by his shoulders.

"Because? And now you want to be touched? You used to say…"

"Shut up. And answer."

"You didn't ask anything."

"You avoided me because you were stabbed?!"

"Why are you yelling? And yes, obviously."

"I thought…oh."

I smiled, filled to the brim with the most conflicting happiness I've ever felt.

Then I heard:

"And because you used my own words against me."

His face was somber. I could feel the resentment floating between us like tiny dark flies.

"Mm…" I heard myself letting out odd sounds without being able to continue with anything else, but: "I am sorry."

"Good," Namjoon said sharply and continued to look at my face with the same expression.

"I shouldn't have said what I said. And it wasn't your fault, you were just a child."

"Right."

"And if we ever do that thing, the therapy thingy again, we'll both have to agree when it's over."

"Right."

"And I shouldn't have teased you when you were mad. I should've apologized from the start."

"You think?"

"I promise, we'll keep going with that confession technique until we're both ok with the final decision."

"But you'll tease me again when I am mad?"

"Probably?" I stared at the ceiling, finger on lip, "You never know what might happen in the future so I'd rather not promise something that feels like a lie off the bat."

"…"

"What?" I innocently asked.

"I want to bite you."

"Why?" I retreated my hands and protected my chest only to have him leaning in and biting my cheek.

"What the actual hell?!"

And then my neck.

"Stop. No!"

And my earlobe.

"Are you a dog?! It hurts! It freaking…"

And then he whispered with a low tone: "I want to…" He didn't continue.

I felt my face heating up.

It started raining.

Leaning on elbows, I looked at his serious face and swallowed.

He leaned in for a kiss and his tongue went through my lips before his lips made contact.

One hand went on my bareback and the other pushed me down gently.

We were on top of each other. Chest on chest. Mouth on mouth. Belly on belly.

I could taste the wine on his tongue. And he could probably smell the weed on my clothes.

But he didn't seem to care.

He just placed a peck on my cheek, and then circled his tongue at the right side of my neck.

The hand that was on my back lifted the shirt and the other helped it off.

My skin was cold against his fingers.

And the lower he went, the more I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.

"Namjoon…I don't think we should do this now." This is the sentence I quickly said while he took off his own shirt to reveal smaller cuts on the front of his arms.

'How did I not see these either?!'

"Why not?" He asked, looking upset. And his slurred speech was now more obvious than before.

"We're both…intoxicated. We should be sober for this."

"You're saying that you'll be sober?"

'He didn't mean that…'

I kept him at an arm's length and yet, his arms, both bent the moment he decided to lean back in.

"Yeah. I'll be." I said, instantly regretting it.

"That'd be really stupid of you since it'll probably hurt like hell."

"That's why I think we should wait…"

"Hmm…" He fucked the inside of my ear and grazed my nipple repeatedly. "One finger." He whispered.

"No," I said, in one breath.

He didn't stop, nor seemed discouraged. He actually smirked in my ear.

"Two."

"Stop it." I squirmed under his touch yet felt unable to pull away, mesmerized by the heat of our bodies as if trapped under a spell.

"If I never start preparing you, then I'll never, ever… fit inside you."

Those words left my heart beating faster and my eyes wide. Fingers released my nipple from their harsh game of pinch and twist, only to quickly slide my pants off with no time for my mind to catch up. I simply heard myself screaming: "University!"

"What?" He looked up from between my legs.

"I want to do it on the first day of college, or university. Whatever we end up in."

"You really thought I'd take you after you said no? Huh?" He smiled; a bit sad. And clearly drunk.

'I wonder if it's just as obvious to you when I am high…'

"No, it's just…I am sure you wanted to and we never talked about it. So, I thought…"

"Fine." He exhaled, not sounding too pleased.

I grinned, happy like a scared virgin girl that just bought herself more time to be a religious pure maiden. Just in time for the weeding.

But the smile faded when he still pulled both my pants and boxers down to my ankles and was trying to get them off my feet.

"Why are you still undressing me?! You just said you'll wait for…"

"That just means I've plenty of time to stretch you out."

I laid down hitting my head against the floor and squirming right and left. Completely naked.

"You can't do this to me…your fingers are so long and…"

My body stood still the second his fingers wrapped around my cock.

"No…" I cried out in his mouth like a spoiled brat. But the tongue still went in while the other hand succeeded in making me hard.

"Then use yours." He suggested.

I shook my head.

"Ha." He sucked on my tongue and then kissed my chin. "You think I am being mean, but there are only a few months left until… you'll hate me."

"Hate you? Why? Hey…" He played with my tip while glaring at it.

'Have you got no shame?'

I noticed that his mind was clearly wandering. That made me more than happy to keep him talking, but then I heard the word: "Girlfriend. I had one and she…wasn't even a virgin."

It hurt. I had no idea why, but him, talking about another girl he did with his hand on my cock made my chest ache.

"And she hated it for a long time. Always complained that I was too big. To be honest, I wasn't being as careful with her as I am with you. But… she was no, un-plucked flower, so I assumed she could take it. She could get wet on her own too."

'Am I jealous or scared I might end up complaining sooner rather than late enough? I can't tell…'

"But she…couldn't. Now I know I should've prepared her a bit, cared more about her…reactions to it, or maybe wait until she …"

The sentence ended, the hand stroked, but my erection started dying and my eyes were probably wider than they should’ve been.

"I don't want you to hate me." The other hand caressed my cheek as he put all weight on his knees. "So, let me get you used to it before…the first day of university."

'That day is now cursed, isn't it?' A smile full of self-pity tried me, but the serious, quite drunk expression had me nodding.

"Thanks."

He kissed me. A long, wet makeup session followed with me, back against the wall, socks on, rain pouring, knees up to the chest, and asshole exposed.

One long saliva-coated finger slipped in, between the kisses on my collarbone.

That finger wasn't all in and it hurt.

That alone hurt.

Thinking of the genitals that I couldn't even suck on properly made me want to cry.

'What did I get myself into?'

"Are you okay?" The finger moved.

I nodded.

The finger went a bit deeper.

"Don't…" I immediately kept his hand still. "Not yet."

He kept going as before without changing much besides the place he was hitting. Swirling his finger around as if he was looking for something. I found it hard to keep my tongue moving and feel what I was feeling at the same time.

Eyes closed, I moaned when he hit something that felt just a tiny bit pleasurable.

"Hmph…"

He kept hitting the same spot and I slightly jumped every single time. Cock getting bigger and hitting my stomach gently.

Without looking, sucking on my tongue, he reached for it and started stroking it. My hands used to be holding onto the back of my hips, but my legs went flat on the cold wooden floor after I couldn't stop trembling. All energy, gone.

I was losing focus when sensations that I had never experienced kept happening out of my control.

'Soap.' I thought.

I was trying to release my tongue when an orgasm that didn't start nor end with an ejaculation came.

I pushed him away, but even if his mouth was farther, his hands kept doing the same thing. I was shaking and tearing up, wet with precum and losing my mind.

Finger went in and out, I could see it as clear as day. And the moaning grew louder and louder without my permission. With no time to form any words.

When the strongest orgasm of my life finished just as weirdly as it started. My toes twitched, my mouth salivated and my eyes got wet while fixated on the ceiling. I could feel myself tightening around his finger.

But despite my reaction, he kept going. I could feel the shape of his finger, the nail, and my insides preventing him from probing any further as if they filled up against the intruder.

The orgasm I was expecting sprayed itself onto my stomach next while my hole was still being fucked with no regard to my hand that was on top of his forearm. Though I couldn't blame him much since I was pretty much just holding onto him, without having the strength to signal him to stop in any way.

He stopped after he squeezed out every last drop and leaned in for a kiss, took the hand I had on his, and guided it towards his pants, but I was slipping away and crawling towards the bathroom the second his finger exited my body.

I could feel him watching me as cum was dripping to the floor.

I shut and locked the door in his face.

Breathing so heavily and fast that my head was spinning. The thunder echoing inside the now, silent house that allowed the shadows of a tree to come in through the window in the cold bathroom.

"Jungkook? Are you ok? What happened?"

I slid down the door as he tried to open it and couldn't.

"Did I hurt you? Jungkook!?"

Shaking, ears covered, I screamed back:

"Just give me a minute!"

He did.

'To do what?' I thought to myself. Thinking of the empty stash and the slight idea that no pain pill could possibly make the pulsating sensation that the orgasm left in its way dissipate.

The more rain poured and the more time passed, the less control I had over my breathing.

'I screwed up again.'

Hands-on chest, knees on the floor, I started hyperventilating.

He probably heard something.

"Jungkook! Are you alright?! Let me in! I promise I won't do anything! I swear on my life. Jungkook?!"

More minutes passed in which I tried to catch my breath.

Thinking of how I'd just walk out and pretend it was nothing in just a bit.

But I couldn't get it to stop. Desperate for some relief, I could think of only one thing.

"Jungkook!" He banged on the door. "Want me to call an ambulance?! What do you want me to do?!"

I crawled to the sink and filled it with water.

Hands-on on either side of the white shiny material, I submerged my whole face underwater and held my breath. I did this again and again.

He banged on the door again and again.

"Jungkook! What's wrong?! Are you sick?! Bleeding?! Are you having an attack again? Jungkook! TALK TO ME!"

The thunder wasn't as loud as his voice was then.

The shaking got worse.

That voice was a voice of a man that was ready to tear down the door.

That voice was a voice I never thought Namjoon was capable of.

And that voice made me stop exhaling. I inhaled instead. Mostly, out of shock.

The same voice got me screaming back: "Green! Get me green! From Fred! Quick."

It was silent for a while. Not even I was perturbing the song of the rain.

Embarrassment overtook all the other emotions like an overbearing mother.

'He might think I am just a junkie again…I need to take it back and…'

Then the slam of the front door echoed in tandem with the thunder.

I was alone.

I wasn't even sure I wanted to smoke at all. I was actually certain that it might make it worse.

But that was all I could think of that'd make him leave and at the same time, a part of me was terrified of the sober me I'd have to face in a few hours.

'Why am I panicking about it? He said he'll wait. He wasn't too forceful…He…I…What's wrong with me?'

I was watching my reflection in the water. I realized I wasn't hyperventilating anymore after a few minutes. All that was left was the pain, riding the adrenaline like a Trojan-sized horse inside every single vein of my body.

Tears hit and combined themselves with the water.

'It felt good. Strange, but alright. So, why am I like this? Why did he keep going when I wanted him to stop? Why didn't I say that damn safe word? Why did I even want him to stop when I wanted him to touch me for a week?! Why did that orgasm feel so weird?! What even was that!'

I hit my face with the water and looked at the ceiling, feeling my chest growing tighter.

'No. I can't take this feeling…No. I refuse…'

I opened the pill cabinet and looked around for any pain pill. My eyes wondered upon the numerous pills I had never heard of. Plenty were targeted at blood vessels, bones, and stomach pains.

'His grandma's?'

And just when I was about to take the one pain tablet, I was familiar with, I spotted another one that I recognized. A small tiny see-through bottle in the lower corner grinning at me like a Cheshire cat.

'Sleeping pills?'

I heard the clear, crisp sound that my phone made when it received a message and my whole nervous system lit up with it.

I opened the bottle as my response. Took one out and put it back in the exact same position.

Placed the pill on my tongue and with the water that was still in the sink, I helped it go down.

I spent a few minutes, staring at myself in the mirror with pure hatred. A few more at the bottle, trying to remember if it was in that exact same position. I left the bathroom after I convinced myself there was no way to make myself remember if it was in that exact position anyway.

The water was still in the sink when Namjoon had returned.

Chapter Text

While cooking, watching tv, before bed, sometimes in the morning, and most definitely in the shower. At school on the rooftop while I was sitting down on the concrete. He fingered me everywhere while licking my earlobe and my neck like it was some delicious treat.

I was constantly hard, but that didn’t matter.

No, this man was simply trying to stretch my muscles as a gym instructor would do for its best, future marathon runner.

I ended up stroking myself in the bathroom during class.

Masturbating with my brother in the other room and ultimately, avoiding his house altogether.

The exams were drawing near, so I used that as an excuse. Also, the fact that I had to be sober more often was already taking a toll on the little sanity I had left.

He understood.

But I was lying through my teeth.

Work hours were unbearable.

Even the time spent in the club room felt like a chore.

So, when Kwan called and told us to come to Bora’s performance that was happening in a club, I faked enthusiasm in front of everybody while thinking of only one thing: ‘Alcohol.’

I didn’t want it. But I was desperate for any kind of mental break.

Namjoon couldn’t do anything with so many people around and despite the complaints that I've had to listen to after the week in which he didn’t have the chance to as much as bump into me, and now, I was the one who wouldn’t sit next to him.

Even when I enjoyed the feeling, I couldn’t take it anymore.

It happened on and on like a broken record.

This club outing was the one time I could spend with him in which I didn’t have to be sober and in which I could stay by his side without covering my ass.

That’s what I thought when I met with him in front of my apartment and said:
“You look good in leather.” With a smile.

The venue was smaller than I anticipated. It wasn’t much bigger than the house of a family that was well off, but the parents were not doctors or lawyers either.

People were grinding on each other. Drinks were getting poured one after another. The dancing lights made the dark corners mysterious and yet, the short skirts did nothing to distract him.

One drunk girl actually stumbled in front of him and touched his arm only to get gently pushed in the direction of the more sober friend that seemed to have been chasing her.

The drunk blonde seemed offended when her advances weren’t reciprocated. But Namjoon had a straight face that betrayed no emotion.

His eyes followed me and ignored the rest as if they weren’t there.

When we met Kwan at the bar with free drinks, I could finally exhale.

“There’s a lot of people here.” He complained.

“You guys are late. What took you so long?”
“I had some stuff I needed to attend before…” Namjoon mentioned in passing.

And Kwan turned to me next for an explanation, but I was too busy trying to down the cocktail: “Oh, I, aaa…was waiting for him.”
She sighed.

“Honestly. You left me alone for an hour.”
“Isn’t Sony and Yeong Cheol already here?”
I asked passively.

“I don’t know. They said hi and then disappeared. I didn’t know they were coming at all either. They just showed up.”
“And Bora?”

I took a big gulp, picked the alcohol-soaked cherry, and sucked on it until I met Namjoon’s glare. And swallowed it by mistake, seed and all.

I started choking.
“Are you ok?” She hit my back as I said with a low, hoarse voice:
“Yeah, yeah...”
“Why're you drinking already? You just got here.”
“I was…thirsty.”
“So, Bora?” Namjoon grabbed Kwan’s attention to the right side while I took small, but sure sips from behind her.

“She’s somewhere in the back? She waved and left in a hurry. I don’t know when she’s supposed to be on stage or anything besides the fact that we get two free drinks each since we’re with her.”
“That sounds great,” I concluded, beaming.

Kwan looked at me with a furrowed brow while Namjoon facepalmed himself behind her.

“You look great by the way.” I complimented her. Only after I scanned the black dress, did I notice the sneakers.

She sighed as if she expected that my eyes would get stuck on her feet.

“I hate heels. Sue me.”
“How did you convince your mom to let you come?” Namjoon asked after taking a sip of his own drink. And expressing clear disgust afterward.

“I will drink it if you don’t want it…” I offered and reached for it, but he drank it as a shot in the next second.

“You’ve been very energetic lately. I like it, but I don’t know who you are anymore…” Kwan said, mostly to herself, but I took it personally. Hence, before more signs of distress showed, I secured my glass and announced that I was going to the bathroom.

Namjoon continued their conversation.

‘I am too sober.’

This thought was the only thought I had all day, every day.

I knew I had to quit in exactly two weeks' time and if possible, start studying now while I was sober. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

My appetite was gone, but my alcohol consumption went from 0 to two to three beers every day. That helped me sleep, but didn’t help me study.

The alcohol made me more anxious. Namjoon’s constant touching in preparation for my virginity being taken away was distracting me for a bit, but it also made me even more aware of how much I disliked everything a bit more when I was sober.

It was like all happiness and tranquility were sucked out of everything I used to do.

I didn’t like taking baths or listening to music anymore. Food was only a necessity and a nauseating experience, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy it was. All conversations seemed boring and every moment I spent sober was another moment in hell.

‘It’s fine. It’s not forever.’

That was the only thought that comforted me.

I pushed people right and left and after asking a guy that was doing something with some cables for directions. He pointed down an almost empty hallway.

The music was repetitive and not even loud enough to block my thoughts. The smiling faces made me scoff internally and my drink was gone before I entered the bathroom that smelled like…

‘Weed?’

Three guys were passing a dubbie between each other while talking and laughing.

I couldn’t hear a word, but I was conscious of the fact that I’d been staring when one of them, asked me, smiling:
“Want a hit?”
I was ready to refuse, but the word wouldn’t come out.

When he retracted his hand a bit after holding it in midair for a stranger that wasn’t moving a muscle, I thought:

‘Once won’t hurt. I can start again tomorrow.’

And nodded. Reached out and took not one hit, but five.

I apologized, but they laughed. And lit another one.

I was blazed after four more hits.

“Been craving some?” One of them asked.
“A bit…”
“I totally get you, man. I used to get so mad whenever my dealer wouldn’t pick up.”
“The guy’s an asshole. Like…doesn’t he need our money?”
“Man, I shouted at the teacher the other day when she asked about my future and shit. All I could think about was: Shut the fuck up, my dealer’s ghosting me for no damn reason.”
They laughed and I pretended to laugh as well.

‘I’m in a relationship with my ex-dealer that works for my current dealer.’ Was the line I swallowed with the little saliva I had left.

“Class? You guys are students?” I asked.

“Yeah. You too?”

I nodded.

“What class are you in? You look young.”

“I am…”

Nothing.

The information didn’t come.

I blushed and hid my face with one hand.

“Dude.”

They laughed wholeheartedly.

“That happens to me all the time.”
“One time I forgot my name.”

‘These guys get it? They get me?’
I tried to laugh it off as well. But something inside me couldn’t.

“Maybe we’ll see you around in the hallway when you’re sober, then you can tell us.”

‘No. They don’t get it. These guys only smoke at parties or when they get around. They do it for fun.’

“Sure.”
“Have a good one.”
‘It’s never been fun for me.’

I got out of the bathroom, empty glass in hand, eyes smaller and mouth drier.

‘It was fun the first time I think, the second, and at some point…it was like a bandage I needed to put on or else…’

I bumped into the same blond girl that bumped into Namjoon earlier. She was also on the way to the bathroom, holding her stomach.

“God damn it.”
“Sorry!”

Her angry stare, the music, the hallway. Everything seemed smaller, as if it had a dark contour around it, like a painting. The sounds were further and my heartbeat closer. Until I was out and into the crowd, it felt like it lasted at least 30 minutes.

I kept telling myself it could’ve only been a few minutes. That I didn’t take too long, but when Namjoon spotted me from behind shorter Kwan, I felt shame washing over me like a cold shower.

‘He knows. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid. I can’t tell which one.’

But he kept talking and smiling. So, I thought: ‘Even if he doesn’t. He’ll probably smell it if he comes any closer.’

So, before Kwan paid me any attention, I ordered the second free drink and used it to mask the smell of my mouth.

“There you are. Did you get lost?”
“No, why?” Voice about a whisper, I started panicking when I could tell that I was in the reflection of their irises.

“What?!”
“What?” I asked back.

“Where were you?!”

“Bathroom.”
“I know but, what took you so long?”
I tried my best to pay attention to what she was saying, yet my focus kept jumping to Namjoon that was glaring at me as if he was watching a train wreck.

At least that’s what I assumed his stare meant.

“I couldn’t find it!”
“Oh! The music got louder; I think they might start performing soon!”

“Maybe.” I mumbled.
“What did you say?! Speak louder!”

Drank the rest of my drink and yet, Kwan reached for hers and toasted to mine like the good friend she was.

I toasted back and faked an unconcerned smile.

Avoided Namjoon’s eyes and pretended to hear a word they were saying. I laughed when they laughed. Said yes and no when it seemed appropriate. And kept ordering drinks with Namjoon’s money until he stopped talking, abandoned his seat, and came right in front of me. Stole the glass from my hand and gave it back to the bartender.

“You’ve had enough.” He spat in my ear, holding onto the empty hand that I forgot to lower with enough force that it caused me pain.

I looked up into his angry eyes and swayed to the left in my haze. Seeing Kwan with the same drink she had at the start of the night half-full in her hand while watching us with wide eyes.

“Alright,” I whispered at the man who was so close to my face that I could feel his breath on my nose.

He returned to his seat.

And I clearly heard Kwan asking: “What’s wrong with him? Did something happen?”
“Nah. He just likes to drink too much sometimes…”
“That’s weird. I remember him telling me he hates the taste of alcohol.”
I turned around and looked at the surface of the bar counter. It was a dark gray and it was moving right and left. And then the lights went out.

But that couldn’t be. Since the music was still going and the voices sounded unconcerned.

Which could only mean that no one else was experiencing the blackout I was.

So, I didn’t react.

And all of a sudden, I could see the counter again.

This happened multiple times until the sound of Namjoon’s laugher reached my ears.

They were in their own world, having fun. And here I was, feeling isolated, surrounded by a sea of people.

I couldn’t join their conversations.

Hell, I could barely see them.

Although they were centimeters away, they might’ve as well been on another planet.

I was alone in my bubble.

And my bubble’s light was going on and off without my permission.

‘Namjoon…I’m scared.’ That is what I thought while I was looking in his direction, seeing nothing, but the void blinking back at me with its empty eye socket.

One tear escaped my left eye and through the blurry fog I was trying to see through, I noticed Namjoon caught it just before I wiped it immediately.

His lips became a thin line. Before he got to say a word to me, a hand was thrown around my shoulders.

“The one and only Jungkook. Looking fly tonight.”
“Hi, boys.” I forced out.
“Where did you guys go?! You showed up and then left me on my own!”
Yeong Cheol laughed, saying: “Sorry. We knew some peeps and we promised to hang out a bit.”
“Honestly…” She pouted; hands crossed at her chest.

“Don’t be mad, little Kwan. Didn’t these two keep you entertained?”

Sony shook me back and forth and I could feel my stomach not liking that motion. Namjoon kept staring at me until he didn’t. Not because he looked away, but because I couldn’t see a thing even though my eyes were wide open.

“Namjoon, what’s with the long face?” The other guy asked.

The music stopped and someone started speaking into a mike.  The crowd that was protesting a second after the silence hit:
“Ladies and Gentlemen. The Stone Club wants to thank you all for coming tonight! And still, I need to ask: AREN’T YOU HOT PEOPLE READY FOR SOME REAL DANCING?!”

When the scream ended and the music started blasting was when I regained my vision and saw that they were all facing the stage that was behind us while I was still facing Kwan and Namjoon.

She was applauding and cheering. Namjoon was looking at me with an expression that I couldn’t identify. My mind was flooded. Not one thought made sense, similar to my vision. It was completely blank, but my emotions were as heightened as they could be.

‘Was there…’ Inhale. ‘Something else in that…’ Exhale. ‘Blunt?’

“Kook, what are you looking at?” Sony twisted me by the arm and there she was, Bora in a short skirt, high heels, and a high ponytail. Stuck in a pose with the rest of the dancers. Like some kind of still painting.

The rest cheered.

And when the beat shifted, that’s when they started moving.

At first the girls, and then the guys.

Their moves were on the beat. That much I could tell.

And then I stole a glance in Namjoon’s direction and to my dismay, he was still staring at me.

But no one else was seeing this.

A minute later, I couldn’t see it either.

My heart was pounding, my cheeks were hot and my palms were sweaty.

‘Make it stop.’

When the song was done and the second group was on the stage, I got grabbed by the wrist with such force that I almost fell face-first into the ground.

“Hey! Namjoon, what happened?”
He dragged me into the same hallway that led to the bathroom, which was next to a tall guy towering over a small one in the far corner. They were engulfed in just enough darkness that I could make out their shapes but not their faces.

“What the hell?!” Namjoon screamed above the music.

“Is he sick?” Sony asked from behind him.

We both stared at him in surprise and then I lost my footing, vision gone.

“That’s what I want to know.”
I slid lower to the wall, holding onto my head with the other hand. Eyes shut.

“Hey, Jungkook. Want me to take you home? Can you stand?”

I could feel Sony’s hand on my shoulder and Namjoon’s grip on my wrist lessening.

“No. I am fine. Got a bit dizzy.” 

“What if Namjoon gets you some water, huh?”
I realized that was not a question, but a necessity, when my hand fell down, free.

“How much did you drink?” Namjoon asked. No. Demanded he found out.
“I don’t know…Three or four cocktails?”
“Did you eat?”
“No…”
“When was the last time you ate?”
‘Yesterday?’
“Ah…I don’t remember.” I rubbed my eyes, hoping that when I’d open them, I’d be able to see again.

“It’s alright. You'll be okay. It’ll pass.” Sony caressed my back in circular motions and kept repeating the same sentence over and over again.

I bit the inside of my lip and told myself not to cry again and again.

‘No. I can’t bring everyone down. I need to get up. It’ll pass.’

“Drink it.”

The tip of a bottle was against my lips.

So, I took my hands off my eyes and opened them to see Namjoon, squatted down.

‘And after it does, I’ll regret it.’

I drank as much as I could from his hand.

And then, with Sony’s hand still resting on my back, I got up and exhaled.

“I feel better.”

“Are you sure?” Sony asked and I simply nodded. Forcing a smile. “Do you want to go back? Those two are probably worried. I can tell them you're feeling sick and you can stay here if that’s what you want.”
“No. Let’s go back.”

Then an obvious scream from the corner had all our necks snapping towards it.

I couldn’t see who it was until, with the help of the wall, I got closer as Namjoon stormed toward both to pull the tall guy off the smaller guy.

“V?” I let out, surprised.

“What the hell do you want?!” He spat, injection in hand.  

A tiny pink-haired guy looked at us in pain. One hand covered what could've been a punctured vein. A stream of blood was slowly but surely dripping down his arm.

“What the fuck!” Namjoon screamed.

The tiny guy ran away in the next moment. And Namjoon’s fist seemed to be trembling by his side.

“Do you know him?” Sony asked.

V seemed to be in no mood to be held back and actually tried to pass Namjoon by so he could go after the pink-haired guy.

“That’s enough,” Namjoon said with a voice that was oozing malice.

I reached out my hand in instinct, but Sony forced it down.

V smirked and caressed Namjoon’s chest with one hand, up and down as if to tell him: I know your weak point.

Namjoon didn’t punch him, but he did throw him to the opposite corner as if the man was just a bag of potatoes.

We watched V getting up, and straightening his clothes, standing in front of Namjoon with the same smirk. He then seemed to have taken a good look at all of us before he turned around and left without a word.

“Who the hell was that?” Sony asked

“A psycho.” Namjoon replied with a shrug.

“Why did he do that? What was the point?”

“Just forget about him,” Namjoon blurted out, still clearly thinking about him.

When we got back, Sony clearly couldn’t forget about it either because he narrated everything to them while Namjoon ordered himself several vodka shots.

They all watched him with concerned eyes.

Sony approached him first: “If you ever need help, let me know. I know some peeps. And I am not too shabby myself.”
“Yeah. Count me in too.” The big guy said.
“Guys, stop it. Let’s have a good time and talk about this tomorrow.”
“Agreed,” Kwan said, toasting the air with an almost full glass.

And when Bora came to us, looking and feeling victorious, we all stopped talking about it altogether to congratulate her. As if we all subconsciously agreed not to bring it up in her presence.

“Did you see me? I didn’t do one mistake!”
“You looked like a pro!” Yeong Cheol complimented her with red cheeks.
“And that finishing pose was perfect.” Kwan pointed out.
"Really?"
“You did better than I expected you to.” Was Namjoon's best attempt at a compliment.
“Guys, thank you so much for coming!”
She hugged Kwan and then ordered a bottle of champagne.

And I stared at it as if it was insulting my very existence.

We toasted and after one sip, I abandoned the glass.

“The bookworm finally came out of hiding.” She said to Namjoon, who bowed with a smile.
“And Sony. Thank you for the flowers.”
“Flowers?” The big guy looked really surprised at this new piece of information.

“It was a secret?” She asked, covering her lips.

“Nah. He just can't figure out when I did it.”
“We were together the whole time!” Yeong Cheol argued.

Bora laughed.

“That’s really sweet of you, Sony.” Kwan pointed out.
“Nah. I just thought she needed a pick me up, that’s all.”
The rest of the night was pretty normal. The girls danced with the guys and even Namjoon had a slow dance with Kwan. A dance that had me laughing in tears the second he swayed her so hard to protect her from a drunk guy that she screamed out loud.

They all danced.

Everyone, but for me.

I never got off the small chair.

I was scared to.

But after one hour or more, the blackouts stopped when Namjoon wasn’t looking. Therefore, I drank a bit more.

By the time we were outside, searching for a cab, the world was going at an incredibly low speed because of the weed, yet the alcohol had me swaying side by side with a slightly drunk Sony who hadn’t left me out of his sight the whole night.

He made me drink water every 15 minutes and took me to the bathroom twice.

“Namjoon, are you going the same way?” Kwan asked, phone in hand.
“No, I live close to Jungkook.”
“So, you guys will take the same taxi?”

“Lucky! No one lives close to me! No one! They’re all old people in my building!” Bora screamed at the universe. Pointing at the sky as if it was its fault.

“I’ll take you home.” Sony offered.

“You, shut up. I still didn’t forgive you.”
“For what?” He seemed dumbfounded.

“Just admit I’ve won. I am more talented than you, King boy.” She staggered in his direction, pointing at his chest.

“Again, kings are important in chess, but that’s still a lame nickname.”
“Guys, the cab is here.”
“You’ll be okay, Jungkook?” Sony asked after letting me stand on my two feet.

“All’s fine.” I let out with a muffled voice.
“Namjoon, make sure he'll hit the bed instead of the floor.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll put him to bed.” The tone of Namjoon deep yet dead serious voice got through to everyone.

They were staring at him as if he'd threatened me, but I simply tried to figure out why he sounded normal even though he kept moving right and left.

“See you guys.”
“Night!”
“Take care!”
“Drink some water!”
“Yeah, yeah. Bye.” I mumbled and waved. Leaning onto Namjoon in the middle of the wet , dark road. Waiting for our cab in the newfound silence.

I closed my eyes and when it finally came, he helped me in.

Head on his lap, about to fall asleep during the ride when one hand traveled underneath my shirt. It caressed my belly and then went up to my nipple.

He tugged on it carelessly. I moaned.

“Is he sick?” The driver asked.

“Yeah, he’s really sick.”
“If he vomits in my car…”
“He won’t. Besides, he’s almost asleep.”
He simply grazed it back and forth and then went low and behind my back, only to squeeze the right cheek of my ass under the loose pants, as if I was asking for it just by choosing to wear them.

I opened my eyes mostly due to the panic I felt when his fingers circling my entrance. I quickly said, as politely and as clearly as I could in that state: “Mister, can you turn on the radio. Please?”
“Sure.”

I closed my eyes again.

That was all I was capable of doing at that moment. All energy was gone now.

The voices were blending into each other and the car was moving me back and forth slightly with every turn or acceleration.

I loved the sensation when I was high. But since I was also drunk, it was far more nauseating.

But it all was unimportant when a finger went in and then another.

A moan escaped without my consent again. But it wasn’t louder than the music.

Regardless, I covered my mouth.

The dry fingers were scissoring and then went in deeper. The car went right, the fingers were almost pushed out. The car went left, they went in deeper.

And then they started searching for my sweet spot.

To my dismay, my body reacted quickly. My intoxication level was high enough to have me squirming under him like a little girl.

“Is he alright?”    

“He’s fine. By the way, I don’t have change.”
“Don’t worry, young man. I have plenty.”
“Hmm…”

A third finger tried to join the others when the car stopped and that’s when they all went out of me.

Namjoon paid while I was holding onto his arms like a man that was about to faint. When the wind hit me, the erection I didn’t realize I had was making it real hard to walk.

He reached for my pants in the middle of the street and I almost thought he was about to jerk me off only to realize he was aiming for my phone.
“Hi. Jung?...Yeah. It’s Kim Namjoon…Sorry for calling so late.”
“Why did you call him?” I mumbled with anger, squinting my eyes.

“He had a little bit too much to drink and he’s half asleep already…. Can he sleep over?... Of course. I will. Good night.”

I looked around for the first time and realized that we were in front of his place.

He put the phone back in my pocket and opened the fence while I still held onto him like a cat holding onto clothing after it jumped several feet in the air. I was walking like someone who was a few seconds away from peeing oneself.

Knees rubbing together, I collapsed on the wooden floor after he let me in and locked the door.

My shoes were getting removed and when he tried to pull me up, I stood my ground.

“Come on.” He pleaded quietly.

“No. I can’t walk anymore.” My words were elongated and childish.

I would’ve cared about the fact that I was making a fool out of myself if only Namjoon said anything about it.

But he didn’t.

He simply grabbed my neck, leaned in, and kissed me on the lips.

It was short and sweet.

And then as if he had decided something in those few seconds in which our lips were mere millimeters from each other, he slipped his tongue in and tasted the same cherry-flavored alcohol and champagne I could still taste.

“Mph.” I let out when he parted my legs and cupped my hard-on through my clothes and squeezed.

He sucked on my tongue and saliva escaped through the corner of my mouth.

Eyes half-opened, I tried to see him, but in the darkness of the hallway, only his shape was apparent.

“Want to do it here?” He asked.

“Wha…” He massaged the bulge as I moaned.

Even in that state, I could tell that I was too loud.

“You really like to torture me, don’t you?”
I was confused about what he was talking about. But I didn’t find the words or time to ask him about it when my pants got dragged down to my knees in one swift motion. While the other was squeezing my neck.

“Ha…” I breathed out when his cold hand made contact with my warm erection.

“Don’t cum.” He demanded.

I didn’t take him seriously until he was licking my ear and increasing the pressure on my neck while I was moaning by myself under him.

I was close in a matter of two minutes and he seemed to know it since he stopped jerking me off.

My eyes snapped open, ready to protest. I even looked at him in the dense darkness, only to hear him saying:
“Get on your knees.”
I didn’t move an inch even when he finally released my neck.

He didn’t seem to like that since he pretty much pulled me up by force, turned me around, and pushed my head down and my ass up.

“Ah…” I moaned when the two fingers returned and circled around as if it was their own playground.

“Why did you drink so much, huh?” He asked.

And then thrust them in. Fully in.

I gasped and moaned at the same time, struggling to stay on my knees. My arms faltered, ready to fall over.
“Why did you lean against Sony all night? Huh?”

This made me feel a shiver down my spine.

“I did not…” I stated, as clearly as I could, only to resort to a cried moan when a third finger went in.

I reached for my cock that was leaking between my legs.

Namjoon seemed to be seeing perfectly in the dark since he pinned my wrist from between my legs and pulled on it a little which made me moan in pain.

“Did I tell you that you could cum?”
‘But…” I tried, but was distracted by the sound of him spitting above my ass.

I could tell that he coated my hole in saliva before he thrusted the fingers back in deeply.

But he didn’t play like before. He was fucking me with his fingers instead of stretching me out.

And his speed and depth had me moaning, face down on the floor with my trousers to my knees.

Some were just reactions to something painful, other moans were complaints coated with pleasure as my cock dangled back and forth, still hard.

He was simply staring at me from behind while seemingly making sure that with every thrust, no matter how I moved, I'd end up back in his fingers.

After too many minutes in which I felt like I could’ve cum at least five times, I managed to hold back a moan so I could beg: “Please…it hurts…please…”
“What hurts?”

His voice betrayed no concern and his fingers went in deeper as a result.

“Mphm, mm…my…I need…Please…”
“What do you need?”
He seemed to be avoiding the spot he knew caused me most pleasure so now, in my shameless, drunk, high, and dizzy state, I pushed back on his fingers and guided them exactly where I wanted them.

He held his fingers still for a few moments. Though I knew it wasn’t because he was surprised that I was using his fingers to fuck myself since I could hear him smirking in his tone, in between my loud panting.

“You can’t take it anymore?”
“No.” I quickly confessed. Desperately trying to free my hand for the tenth time. This time, however, I almost managed to until he twisted my wrist.

“Aww.” I breathed out in pain.

“Then you finally know how I feel all the time.”

This made me stand still which prompted him to keep doing what he was doing before. This time, hitting the spot perfectly, on purpose.
“I …ah…I…mph…sowwy.” I moaned out.

That gave my hand back, and gained me a fourth finger in.

“No…fit…mmm…no…” I mumbled holding onto the floor to both resist the pain and hold myself steady since his fingers alone made me sway back and forth like a boat during a storm.

“But you know… I am bigger than four fingers.”
“Ah, know…I…” I complained and tensed up.

To my relief, he stopped trying to force it in.

Instead, he threw me on my back and removed the rest of my pants.

I shyly reached for my now, painfully hard erection.

He wouldn’t have it.

“Please!” I begged in a childlike whimper right before he grabbed said hand and forced it on his own hard-on.

I gasped for air and felt my insides tingling as he made my hand go up and down his length.

He was above me, breathing heavily next to my lips, half-naked as well.

“Do it.” He demanded, releasing said hand and grabbing onto my cock with it. Choking it as if to make sure that I wasn’t orgasming anytime soon.

I moaned out of frustration and kept jerking him off, moving under his touch in a futile attempt to cause some friction.

He kissed and teased me for a long time until I was too tired to oblige, too lightheaded to speak, and with the world spinning around me too quickly for me to keep up. I tore my fingers away from his dick. Took his hand in mine and forced it to move instead.

At this, he grabbed my neck so hard that I couldn’t even moan. And then Namjoon sank his teeth into my shoulder, hard.

“Ah…Nh…”

Even after his teeth were gone, it still hurt.

I kept jerking myself off with my hand on his.

A few seconds later, I released all that I had into his hand, spasming on the floor like I was having a seizure.

He smiled against my neck.

The world was white. In that pitch-black room. I saw the light and it swallowed me up.

The air was thin up there, but I couldn’t care less. Time stopped and the white shadows drew near. Even if they had no eyes, it felt like bliss to be watched. To be in someone’s presence and feel this good.

‘It can’t be real.’ I thought as his nails dug deeper into my neck and pulled me back from nirvana.

Despite the fact that I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move my arms either. I just let them hang, limp on either side of my body.

He kept jerking me off, knowing that no more sperm was coming out.

I was empty.

Head swinging left and right on the floor.

He placed a peck on my cheek and then released me.

I coughed and coughed.

Gasping for air.

“You came without my permission again.” I heard him pointing out.

“Mm…”
I could feel him breathing against my cheek, but moving seemed like an impossible task.

Hands kept grabbing, squeezing, and stroking when I fell asleep on the floor with him, still above me, engulfed in darkness.

The last thing I heard was a deep, clear sigh.

Chapter Text

AN: This chapter, and the next four, are from Namjoon's point of view.

Mom told me that a woman never forgets her first man.

When she was drunk enough, she'd tell me how she still misses her first and that no one, not even my dad, could ever compare.

'Jungkook smells weird right now.'

All floral or fruity flavors are used to mask the taste and smell of alcohol until it hits the back of your throat. And then it festers in the stomach, mating with every pore. And the race begins. The alcohol wants to stay while the body is doing everying in its power to get every drop out as fast as possible. Back through the mouth, urine, or sweat.

Even if the person doesn't usually sweat, in a few hours, the skin will get coated in this thin layer of toxic waste that smells like the worst perfume that can't be replicated.

But I still pressed my lips against his skin.

I traced the bones that stuck out. Ribs, hipbones, and collarbone.

Eyes shut and heavy breaths were all I got in return.

If he was awake, he wouldn't have seen me tracing a sensorial map with my fingers either way.

Because I didn't know how much longer I could simply caress without pulling, kiss without biting, and tease without violating.

I wanted to make him mine.

He wasn't mine.

He wouldn't be able to sleep if he was.

Lean against other men if he knew.

But right now, I had no right.

'We are young. He is drunk. And a virgin.'

A fear that had no bounds.

How could he go somewhere else to satisfy his sexual needs if his only sexual need so far consisted of one orgasm that lasted less than five minutes a day?

I knew he wouldn't cheat on me right now. But the thought that someone else might do him and that he'd crave that person for the rest of his life simply because it was his first made me hear a clock ticking in the background of our silent lives.

'Ah, he's going to catch a cold.'

I should pick him up and put him to bed.

I thought about it.

But this naked body that innocently rested under my fingers made me linger.

The pain in the knees was nothing compared to the sick pleasure I felt while touching him. Even without his knowledge.

I wished I could see him.

But the thought of getting up and turning the lights on made me feel exposed.

I was his boyfriend.

But I hadn't been entirely honest.

The desire to shake him awake and make him scream under me was getting really irksome.

I abhorred his lack of stamina.

I was still hard and yet, I didn't want to be the one to touch myself.

And forcing him to touch me was not an option at this very moment.

I didn't mind that he rarely approached me himself. If ever.

But I minded how he was satisfied with only one orgasm.

How he could ignore my needs and go to sleep like everything was fine for everyone around him.

It made my chest ache; my hands tremble and my mouth, salivate.

'Ah, if I do him now then he'll hate me.'

He'd wake up screaming and kicking from the pain. And I probably wouldn't be able to stop even if he started crying.

Today, out of all the days we’ve spent together. I wanted to assert my dominance over him.

Grab Sony's arm and tell him: Back off, don't touch what's mine.

But was he mine?

How could I tell?

Letting me touch him made him mine?

Was it that he spent his days with me more than anyone else?

But then again, he let Sony touch him and he did spend so many hours with those four that he could as well be theirs.

Not in a romantic way. But still.

I wanted his thoughts to be filled with me.

As for now, it seemed like I became a hindrance.

I noticed him avoiding me even when we were in the same house. I noticed him thinking twice before asking me to do something together. And he didn't seem like he enjoyed being fingered constantly, but the thought of him rejecting me after giving me his virginity made a spot at the back of my head burn as if it was an actual wound.

'He’s so frustrating.' I cried in my mind and kissed his cheek in the real world.

Letting his deep breathing hit me in the face with every exhale like a slap.

It was subtle, but it was as if he was slipping between my fingers.

Maybe it was the weed. Or the lack thereof.

Perhaps, the addiction itself was the wall that I had been banging on for the entire time without making a single crack.

'I think I'm getting addicted to you.'

And that thought I heard from the back of my mind, hurt.

Because somewhere deep and far away, I hid the fear or the knowledge that this love was one-sided.

He liked me. But he didn't stare at me when I dried my hair with a towel as I stared at him.

He enjoyed spending time with me. But he could bear not being touched when we ate side by side or while we were watching Tv.

He cared about me. But he didn't buy food he knew I couldn't refuse or wondered whether I slept, was cold, or stressed out.

No.

Even though he said yes to being in a relationship. I didn't foresee the fact that I'd still be the one who loved him more. In every single way. It showed, plain and simple. Just like V said.

I was the one holding him down even if in a way, he kind of accepted it. After I avoided mentioning what it entailed from the beginning. Since I was too afraid that he'd run away if I did.

'Exams will be over in a couple of months. And we might not go to the same university.'

Hell. He might even have to move for his. And I wouldn't be able to let him go.

I didn't even care where he ended up. I just wanted to make sure I'll be there too.

I couldn't entertain the thought that I would only see him for a few hours without feeling mad.

Or that we'd drift apart.

Or that he'd fall in love with someone else.

'Maybe, even…a girl.'

I bit the right side of his neck until I made sure I left a mark.

He shifted in his sleep but didn't wake up.

He covered up any sign I ever left as proof of my existence on his body with makeup.

Sometimes, I wanted to pull him in the bathroom stall of the school, make a mess of his neck and then have him walk around with it for the rest of the day.

Right now, however, I lifted my boyfriend off the ground, pants still off, middle still wet, skin still oozing with the nauseating smell of alcohol.

I was laying down with him nuzzled at my chest, as you would with a pet, and tried to fall asleep like that.

The thought of tomorrow was enough to kill my erection.

But his somewhat regular breathing helped me drift to a dreamless sleep.

'That bloody phone…'

"Hi…Jung…Yeah. I'm fine. I'll eat here…Don't worry... No. I didn't talk to her."

'Her, who?'

"Not today. Maybe tomorrow…Yeah, I know. Namjoon has the same books. He said he'll help me study…No, I have a shift tomorrow. I'll call when I get home…Okay, bye."

I opened one eye and saw him searching for something only to turn around, frowning while looking at my one open eye with two sleepy ones for a few full seconds before asking:

"Where are my pants?'

"At the door."

He massaged his temples.

"Any painkillers?"

"In the kitchen."

Almost got up, but I caught him midmotion and pulled him close to me. Securing the whole body by the upper chest.

"Namjoon…" He whined at once. "My head hurts and I'm thirsty."

"I know."

He tried to get my hands off and failed.

"Come on. It's already eleven."

"Just a bit," I whispered.

He sighed.

And I could feel him waiting, impatient for me to release him.

I added one leg on top of him.

"If you want to keep sleeping, then sleep. I need to take a shower and study."

"I said I'll help."

"Then let's go."

He almost propelled himself forwards, but it only gave him one more inch of leeway.

"Kiss me," I requested slowly.

The room got quiet.

"After I brush my teeth."

"Now."

I pinned him under me, waiting. Without leaning forwards as he looked at me with an expression that was almost genuine hatred.

One peck was all I got.

"You're mean," I told him.

"You're…" He cut himself off and closed his eyes.

I leaned in, licked his chapped lips, and slipped my tongue in.

At first, he didn't want it. His tongue barely moved against mine and yet, I could pinpoint the exact second, he got sucked in.

Breathing faster and shallower the more our tongues danced.

One hand reached for the back of my head and the other loosely rested on my shoulder.

I ended the kiss, leaving him breathless. Letting him catch his breath while I was planting kisses in a straight line from lips to neck, down the collarbone.

Only to bite it.

"Aw! Aw… why do you do it like that?"

"Like that, how?"

"Can't you just lightly…bite me? You sink your teeth like…"

"I want to drink your blood." I chuckled, after finishing his sentence.

He smiled and rolled his eyes.

"Come on, we have to get out of bed."

"…why?"

"Namjoon!"

I sighed.

"But aren't you a bit hard already?"

He wouldn't look me in the eye but responded by only slightly pushing me away, closing what he could of his legs as if that could hide anything.

"I can do it in the shower."

"Alone?"

"…not necessarily." He whispered.

I smiled and got off him.

"Finally!" He exclaimed and ran out, successfully hiding his lower parts from me.

When I also reached the kitchen, he was downing cold water. The pain pills were on the counter and the pants I wanted to burn were on again.

'Why did you put them on if you're going to shower?' I thought.

"Why did you drink so much yesterday?" I asked.

I waited for him to stop drinking water before I opened the fridge and looked inside, trying to find something that'd pass as breakfast.

"I got carried away…" He mumbled.

"I saw. But weren't you just trying to replace weed?"

Bottle in hand, eyes wide, he cracked his head to his right to look at me in a swift motion. Like a scared animal.

"It's not a good substitute." He concluded drily.

"Of course, it's not."

"Yeah. I know that."

"But you still got piss drunk and cheated on me with Sony all night." I babbled.

"Che…Cheated? I was using him as support. Like you would a…I don't know, a wall?"

"Hm, I wonder what he'd say if I told him what you really think of him."

"You know what I meant! It wasn't anything romantic about it, he simply…"

"Be more defensive about it. I like it."

I smirked, took the bottle out of his hand, and drank some while he seemed to be swearing at me in his mind.

"I'm going to take a shower."

He was almost in the bathroom when I announced:

"I'm coming with you."

"Don't."

He closed the door behind him.

I waited for approximately ten seconds before going in and finding him half-naked.

He acknowledged my existence by standing completely still for a few seconds before continuing to take off his pants and turning on the shower.

I got in as well.

The water only hit his side, but I wasn't cold.

I just watched his skin getting wet from behind and didn't think one thought of it.

He turned around, probably noticing I haven't moved a muscle in at least four minutes.

Which prompted him to pick up the showerhead and direct it at me, as he was watching his hair with the other hand.

I reached out my own hand to grab a hold of his genitals.

"What the…" The showerhead fell from his hand.

I let go.

And looked at his blushing, confused face.

The water was spraying our feet.

I almost chuckled out loud.

He squirted liquid soap in his hands and started washing me and then himself as if nothing happened.

He focused only on the upper part of our bodies.

"Turn around." He mumbled.

And washed my hair as well.

Practically, I could get out. But I didn't. I grabbed the showerhead from him and held it above his head.

He covered his eyes as shampoo traveled down from his head to his body, and in the tub.

When he was soap-free, I turned him around, washed his back and ass without teasing him at all.

He might've been surprised when I turned the water off and got out.

I handed him a towel and walked out, butt naked, straight to the fridge.

If he wanted to do more, he didn't say anything. He dressed up with the clothes he previously left here for times like these and pulled out books from my backpack, and brought them to the table.

"Eat first."

"I'll eat later." He murmured.

"I'll make some eggs. Want them boiled or fried?"

"…fried."

This was comfortable for me.

But the dark cloud that bubbled from the corner of the room was multiplying with every cut vegetable.

'He wants to memorize new material with a hangover?'

I threw some clothes on before placing the plate on top of his open book and sitting next to him.

"What are you struggling with?" I asked, mouth full of egg and cucumber.

"Everything." He confessed, with no shame.

"Hm…you need to be a bit more specific."

"Well, I guess I can study literature on my own. History too, maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Can you help with math and physics? Chemistry too?"

"So, your logical brain is undeveloped, huh?"

"Don't mock me."

"I am not. There are these parts in the brain called…"

"No anatomy needed. Thanks." He cut me off.

"Eat." I pointed at the plate.

He swallowed even if he looked slightly repelled by the food.

"What chapter are you on?" I asked while I was washing my plate.

"Two."

"Really? You started from scratch?"

"I told you I don't remember anything…It's all in a haze. I think I was asleep when they talked about, ah, what are they called again?"

I sighed as he was searching through his notes.

"Don't bother. If we're starting from scratch then you need to memorize on your own first and then let me quiz you."

"But…"

He bit his lip while I dried my hands.

"What now? I'll even give you a time limit. We'll be on chapter five by lunch."

"But…" He looked away and cracked the sliding back door as if he needed some air.

I threw the rag on the counter and sat down by his right.

"But what? You said you wanted to learn."

"I do."

"Then what are you butting about? Read chapter 2, do the exercises, and…"

He cut me off.

"But I can't remember."

"What do you mean?"

"I've read this chapter three times before. And I forget most of it in a few days. So…what do I do?"

We locked eyes.

And mine probably seemed more confused than his.

"You need to keep doing exercises until it comes naturally," I explained.

"I don't have the time…I need to go through all of them quickly since there's not much time left."

I leaned against the table.

"Then how did you pass every year?"

"Adrenaline."

"Huh?"

"If I am anxious and weedless, I can't sleep so…I use it to study like crazy. But most years, I've actually paid a bit more attention. This year, I really…didn't bother with anything. And now I have a job and someone who gets me…tired, so…"

"So you couldn't be the study hermit you turned into around this time every year because of me?"

"Not really. See, I have less anxiety now so…that's good. But bad for studying. And I am not saying it's your fault. I'm just telling you…my problem. I'd love some help though."

"I study all year. Slow and steady wins the race. And besides, I remember everything really easily so…" I admitted to him and myself in a lower voice.

He rested his head in his hands and stared at the book from between his arms like it was cursed.

"I fried my brain. I swear. I don't even remember my own phone number."

"There are some studies that talk about it. You know…doing drugs before your brain has fully developed which truly ends at the age of twenty-five, sometimes twenty-seven." I looked down and saw him staring at me with a murderous stare.

"Will you give me a break? I don't know my own cellphone number!" He yelled, looking both scared and angry with himself.

I caressed his back and grabbed the math book.

"Look. You don't need an A. You just need to pass. So, don't study for an A."

"I wasn't studying for an A." He mumbled, sounding bitter.

"Yes, you were. If you've read the same chapter three times and didn't move on, it means you expect yourself to know everything." I tried not to react to the new stare he was throwing my way and added: "Even if it's subconsciously. For a passing grade, you just need to know a few answers, not all. So, remember what you can at the hardest subjects. And study for an A at the ones you excel at." I bit the inside of my cheek lightly and rubbed his shoulder before I asked: "What do you excel at by the way?"

"Music, literature and history."

"Good, good. We don't have a music exam, but…" He let his head fall on the desk as I resisted the urge to smile. "You'll be fine. Just do what you always did and ignore me."

"I'm already doing what I always did. I need to reach the bottom of despair so adrenaline will highwire everything. It just hasn't happened yet…I think it’s because I'm so tired I could sleep all day..."

"Alright… If you need my help, I'll be in the next room. So, just tell me when…"

He tugged on my shirt before I got up.

"What?" I asked.

"Are there any pills or powders that could help me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like coke or, I don't know, something?"

I closed my eyes.

"If you can't remember sober, what are the chances you'll remember anything on coke?"

"Pretty slim, huh?" He deadpanned.

I nodded.

He let go of my shirt.

"Pretty slim," I repeated and went into my bedroom, not looking back.

One hour later, I heard some music, but I ignored it. Then I heard the stove and was almost glad that he was eating. But the vacuum cleaner had me behind him in a heartbeat.

"What are you doing?"

"God damn, you scared me!" He jumped, hand on chest. "When was the last time you cleaned? There's dust everywhere and there are empty bottles by the trash that fall every time you open the cupboard and…"

"You are the one who drank them and now you complain to me about it?"

"I can't concentrate in this place. There are wrappers under the table and the air's like, dirty."

I sighed.

"That's not why you can't concentrate," I said softly.

He hummed while moving further away with the vacuum.

I closed the door to the bedroom and called Fred instead of saying something that I might regret later.

"Hi."

"Hi, you busy?"

"I'm never busy for you kid. What happened?"

"Nothing much. I called because I have a…question."

After a few seconds of silence on his end and the sound of the vacuum getting louder as it hit the door, I said: "Sugar withdrawal. How do you…soothe it? Make it pass faster?"

"Water, eight hours of sleep, and healthy food."

"Really? The basics?"

"Take him out for a walk once in a while."

"Any pills for it? I don't know to …keep one stable?"

"You want to replace an addiction with another?"

"I guess not."

"The only way is to wait it out. Didn't you say he did it before?"

"Yeah, but this time, it's not quick enough."

"What do you mean?"

"He's not getting the desired withdrawal symptoms or something…"

"Is there even such a thing?"

The sound of something falling on the other end had me smiling. He went on: "Look, kiddo, just be there, breathe, it'll pass. It's not like it's a hard dr…sugar, it's not that bad. It's manageable. Be understanding."

"I am. I'm just worried. Exams are real soon."

"The exams. Yes. I knew you had them soon.”
"Naturally.” I sarcastically muttered under my breath.

”Do you need some free time? Are you getting A pluses or just A's?"

"I am fine. I think I should help him study though, but I don't know how since…his brain isn't…working."

There was a long pause in our conversation and the sound of the vacuum sounded louder than it did before.

"There are pills for that. You know, ginkgo Biloba and what not. Those pills that help you concentrate, or vitamins, I don't know. Go to a pharmacy."

"I will."

"Good. That's all?"

"That's all."

He sighed.

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"Mona has a cold and it's been driving me crazy. My aunt's coming to visit at the same time, so I need to lay low for a while if you know what I mean. Enjoy your free time."

"Oh. Got it. Wait. You wanted me to ask for it when you were going to give it to me anyway?"

"Talk to you later." He said as if I never said anything.

"Do you want me to get something from the pharmacy for her too?"

"I got the whole pharmacy right here already. There's nothing missing but…patience. The body's a slow machine."

"Yeah. It is."

Another pause.

"Oh, well. Take care kid."

"You too."

He hung up just when the door flew open to reveal Jungkook pulling on the vacuum's wire in an attempt to get it inside this room as well.

I was changing clothes while he unplugged it and plugged it right by the matress.

"Where are you going?" He asked stopping midway from pressing the on button.

"Pharmacy."

"Are you sick?"

"No. I wish." I whispered.

"What?"

"There are these pills that help with studying. I'm going to get you some."

"I don't need them. I'm telling you. A few more weeks of the teachers yelling into my ear about the exams and my anxiety will turn me into a studying beast." He moved his hand up and down in the air as if that'd dismiss my concerns.

"It can't hurt if you take them. You have nothing to lose, do you?"

"I guess not. But I'd rather not…hey, don't, Nam…"

I was out of the house at the drop of a hat. But I could still hear the vacuum as I went out the gate.

The cold air and the quietness helped me relax. The sight of the green cross a few streets down made me walk slower.

I entered the pharmacy with my hands in my pockets and flushed cheeks. I positioned myself in line while rubbing my hands together and then the voice of the guy before me froze the blood in my veins:

"Sensible stomach. An antiacid?... No. She already tried that one. Maybe the other one."

The mint-like green hair left my mouth dry and my fists warm.

There was no warning, he didn't say 'thank you' or 'goodbye', he swiftly turned around and as if he couldn't have ignored my face the second his eyes spotted me.

I froze. He froze.

We were looking at each other like two predators meeting in the wild. Not sure which one could take the other out the fastest.

The woman behind the glass was glancing at us, puzzled. I could see her thinking: 'What's the next customer doing? They're not talking. Do they know each other?'

Jungkook's face appeared in my mind's eye like an object that inevitably floats after you throw it into deep waters.

So, I sidestepped.

Leaving enough space for him to walk by like we were true strangers.

But my eyes never left his for a second.

Min Yoongi took one step towards the exit and my mouth moved, without permission: "If you did well until now. Why do you look so guilty?"

"I'm not." He bit back and kept walking, slamming the door after himself.

I sighed as the wide eyes of the young woman didn't blink once.

From where I stood, all alone, I said: "Anything that could help a brain focus and retain information for studying. I'd prefer pills instead of dissolvable tablets, tinctures, or suppositories. But if you know anything that's really good, I'll take that in any form."

She absently nodded and walked away with unsteady steps.

I left with a full bag, knowing fully well that Jungkook would probably only take three out of the ten bottles. That, if I was convincing enough.

The grey clouds and the weak sun were what I expected to see. The green-haired boy leaning against the telephone pole wasn't part of the scenery I anticipated.

"You're really forcing your luck." That is what I quickly breathed out, passing him by with an annoyed smirk.

He was following me as he talked: "I'm not. I didn't even say hi to him, didn't I?"

"Congrats. Would you like a prize for caring about your own safety? How about a brain-boosting pill?"

I heard him clicking his tongue before muttering: "Don't take me lightly, monster."

Dead in my tracks, I turned around and met his dead eyes: "What the fuck do you want?"

"Did you get him too?"

"What?"

"It's your fault that he's an addict, isn't it?"

"You like to assume a lot of things. I wouldn't if I were you." I said, as calmly as I could.

The wind was getting harsher and a drop of water definitely hit my scalp.

Our eyes locked, our fists ready.

"Then whose fault is it?"

"Why do You care? It's not like you're much different." I spat.

"I quit and you know it!" He screamed.

"As if anyone can quit that stuff for life. Wait until you fail an exam, a job interview or your mom says the wrong thing once." I said, chuckling.

"What do you know, you fucking…?!"

I cut him off.

"I know your kind. Which is why I'm not that surprised you're talking to me on your own accord. But since you're still holding onto your sobriety pretty well even though you seem to have a death wish. I have to ask, are you retarded?"

I towered over him, one hand still in the pocket of the jacket, the other holding onto the plastic bag with white knuckles.

Min Yoongi was smaller and thinner than Jungkook. He had the body of what I thought an anorexic would look like if he or she had the luck of obtaining the metabolism of a junkie. No ounce of fat, or strength.

No threat.

Besides that. I hated that mouth of his since it could still form words.

"Make him quit."

I laughed with irony and spit.

"You're in over your head, friend of no one. Think of yourself and yourself only unless you want me to make sure you won't be able to think at all."

I turned back around, deciding that the conversation was over for the both of us. But the voice that shouted next made my teeth hurt as they were grinding against each other.

"You said you care about him! You lied to all of us, didn't you?! You're just using him for your selfish plea…."

Bag on the sidewalk, cold wind blowing, and hands squeezing his neck. Ah. How good it made me feel as he clawed at my arm with those two sticks flailing above the ground.

"You know you can't make an addict quit by forcing him to quit. He has to want it himself. So, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU RISKING YOUR BREATH FOR! HA?!"

"…mh.ph…n…" Neck and cheeks became a bright red, eyes stuck to look at the heavens as the clouds started crying on his face.

"This is the last time you get to worry about anyone but yourself. UNDERSTOOD?!"

"Oh, my." A woman breathed out with one hand covering her mouth, the other holding onto her young daughter, pulling on her frail arm to walk faster while struggling with the umbrella that wouldn't open.

I let him fall to the ground, coughing violently. I lightly hit his knee before I asked again: "Understood?"

He was still nodding when I picked up the bag and approached the two women.

They both looked terrified when I took the umbrella, opened it, and handed it back to the youngest.

Voice barely above a whisper, she uttered a 'thank you', just before I walked away with big, sure steps.

It wasn't raining, it was pouring as if someone had just released the trap that held a ton of water above my head.

My breathing was shallow and my body warm.

'Fucking idiot.' I kept thinking.

I could see my house and the faces of the few passerby's judging me with every step I took.

'As if I'd ever give Jungkook something he wouldn't be able to quit. Fucking moron.'

My hands were slipping against the lock of the fence while the open bag collected the freshwater.

I grunted and kicked it as if that'd get it to open.

After a minute, I was still getting rained on while the crown of my head was leaning against the front door, unable to go in.

'He'll die in a few years. They can't be friends. No. No one can afford to care about him.' I repeated this in my head again and again until it brought forth the will to open the door.

Jungkook was on the floor, by the table, head on a notebook, chips by his side, deep asleep.

I was wet from head to toe.

'I thought you said that adrenaline gives you insomnia. But I guess, it's better if you don't see me like this.'

I left a trail of water drops on my way to the kitchen, where I dropped the bag in the sink, right before I tiptoed into the bathroom and stripped.

I caught a glimpse of my eyes that were still covered by the wet hair and shuddered.

Then the scratches started to sting, so I opened the pill cabinet by the sink to search for some bandages and rubbing alcohol.

It looked exactly how I remembered it except for one see-through pill bottle that was slightly tilted and almost empty. I remembered it specifically since I had to renew the prescription for it the month in which my grandma had died.

I picked it up and stared at it, making the few pills bounce against each other.

'Fuck.' I thought, with a heavy chest.

I emptied it in the toilet, opened the window, and threw the pill bottle out.

I showered with trembling hands and went out to look at Jungkook with different eyes.

Collapsed on the futon after I covered the scratches with band-aids and a long-sleeved shirt, and despite the quiet house, I couldn't fall asleep. Nor find it in me to pick up the boyfriend that wouldn't wake up even if I threw him on the floor.

No. I couldn't face his limp body.

No. I didn't want to touch it.

No. It was my fault.

Just like Yoongi feared.

My presence alone got him access to drugs.

And I could either prevent this access in any way possible.

Traumatize him enough that he wouldn't touch anything new even if he was desperate.

Or dump him for his own good.

I didn't know if I was strong enough to do either one at this moment.

I tried to quiet my mind, focus on that line that held no sounds and drown in it.

'Ah, Jungkook…is it really my fault? Would you have stopped looking for dealers at some point? The lack of it…would it have prevented you from being an addict? Or would you just grow up, move from this place and find other ones out there? Is it me or is it you?... does it even matter at this point?'

The wind howled and the old windows danced with it, creating a song of their own. The bag and the faucet dripped into the sink. And Jungkook's medicated deep breathing was not as loud, but loud enough for me to hear it from the other room.

Or maybe, I was focusing on it without meaning to.

Staring at the ceiling when Fred's call became the loudest.

AN:Sorry for posting one day late. And sorry for any mistakes. Not in my element this week. Hope you guys like it a bit. See you in ten days.

Chapter Text

Finally, the smoke cleared and the mirrors broke. What Jungkook meant when he told me that the way he managed to pass his exams was to let despair and adrenaline become his fuel involved several steps he either left out on purpose.

Or otherwise, he was sorely mistaken that it was the withdrawals alone that kept him awake and buzzing while being caffeine-free for days.

And I've been too blind, enchanted by my own rose-colored glasses.

This man was an addict just like my mom was, and if it's anything she made strikingly obvious during my childhood was that there's nothing harder in this world than getting clean and staying clean.

Sure, you might not engage in your usual favorite poison.

But you might replace it either way.

Pills, cleaning, eating, exercising, and pretty much anything that can be done without thinking do the same thing that a hard drug can.

The heaven that is not facing your reality, emotions, or yourself. After all, at the bottom of them all, it's all escapism.

And now he was running wild.

The way he'd complain about being dirty after working a part-time job at the store and avoiding to come anywhere near more than once had me stealing an alcohol-stained kiss. I pretended not to notice.

Never mentioned the sleeping pills and neither did he. Even though a mild case of insomnia did show its ugly head after I threw them away. Soon, I spotted melatonin pills under some books by mistake and put it back the very next second.

The way he'd watch Tv for hours and not even laugh once, I ignored it.

The way he'd tremble when I'd touch him. The conversations getting shorter and shorter.

It was all obvious and yet subtle enough. Like lighting all across the dark sky, but not one whisper from thunder.

However, I could tell that he was getting tired of running on faulty fuel.

By the time he went jogging at six AM on a Monday, I was bracing myself.

The substitutes were no longer working, so he'd either break open or cave.

The only thing I made sure of was that not Fred, nor any of his people would as much as murmur anything to do with a plant.

But since he had now changed his sleeping position at least fifteen times, I was doubting that he was going to accept the situation, rather than fight it with all he had left.

I was a silent supporter. That's the decision I alone succumbed to.

And I had done my best to keep him studying for as long as possible. Didn't judge the moments he'd forget the words he learned and repeated out loud minutes ago.

No. I would blame the drug and not Jungkook. Since I knew the real Jungkook, the one that was good at everything he did on his first try. That…part of him that was either buried deep inside his subconscious or dead, along with a blanket of neuropathways. 

Meanwhile. this role I forced myself into started to feel unbearably lonely.

Hence, when I reached out for him, under the sheets, all I received was a stiff body and his heartbeat, louder than before.

"Can't sleep?" I asked.

"I think I should make jogging my new hobby." He told me as if he had been thinking about this for a while now, and yet, his very tone betrayed despair. "Didn't you say you wanted to join a gym a while ago?"

I cleared my throat and admitted: "I lied."

"Let's go together."

I pulled him closer to my chest and hugged him from behind before I whispered, trying not to sound too defeated: "Alright."

Days passed by, one painful gym hour occurred, but his condition seemed to get worse instead.

The phone kept ringing at the weirdest of times and yet, Jungkook refused to answer or to let me as much as glance at the name of the caller. Now, of all times, I wanted to respect his privacy, so I checked the missed calls list when he was asleep after he successfully cleaned every surface of the house for the second time in three days.

'Why won't he answer his own mother?'

When his brother called and begged to make a plan which would make Jungkook go home, I panicked a little bit.

No. I felt like I had done something wrong without knowing.

And I was right.

The faces of the junkies I usually provided for, now made my throat burn. Their genuine smiles made my chest ache.

Followed by the pale, unresponsive face of Jungkook I spotted the second I entered the house. Even after deciding that I'll somehow convince him to go home without fighting, what I caught, left me speechless.

He had brought the Tv by the living room table again and he was spending more time with it than anything else. It was his only friend and a loyal new mistress.

I was considering breaking it in some way or another if only I could figure out how to get inside it without leaving any evidence.

And the books that had been on the table, wide open in front of it for days on end, couldn't fool me.

But I also couldn't let all prior effort go to waste. So, I clenched and unclenched my fist, breathing deeply. Calmly, asking whether he wanted to eat soup or chicken.

He didn't even look at me when he replied.

If I knew there was one thing I shouldn't, under any circumstance do, thanks to my dear mother, was to make an addict that is still at the mercy of withdrawals, dopamine wise more than anything else, feel strongly about anything.

'Don't make her angry, don't make her cry, don't make her worry, don't make her anything…' That was my mantra as a child.

I didn't think that I'd had to use it as an adult too.

"Did you talk to Kwan?"

"Yeah. I helped her study yesterday at the club again. In fact, she asked about you."

"You're helping both of us study…maybe you should become a teacher."

I burst out laughing at the idea while grabbing a carrot and a knife with wet hands.

"She wanted to know why you've been missing for two weeks."

"And what did you say?"

I blurted out: "I lied."

"Of course. But what was the lie?"

"That I don't know."

"Really?" He sounded slightly irritated. But it was still drowned in a monochrome sea of depression.

"What did you want me to say?"

"I don't know…that…" He thought and when he couldn't find a lie. He simply repeated himself instead, but a bit more quietly: "I don't know."

"Case and point."

I heard him sighing loudly, right before turning a page.

"Did you hear from your brother lately?" The casual tone was not enough to prevent those eyes from looking up with newfound concern.

The people from the soap opera were laughing when we went silent.

"A bit."

"What did he say?"

"He wants me to go home."

'Gold, I struck gold right now.'

I thanked the heavens while chopping the carrots and onions.

"And?"

"And what?"

"You're going home?"

"No. I'm not."

The fake audience of the soap opera went: "Aww." Yet I couldn't find anything adorable about our situation.

'Some ghosts might be watching us right now and they are laughing their asses off.' I assumed.

"Why not?" I asked at the same time, seconds after I made a clear cut through the middle finger.

"I don't want to. Do you want me to?"

"Not really. But it isn't like your brother can't find out where I live."

'V might've already told him.'

"So what? He'll come here and drag me out against my will?" Another page turned, this time, with more sound.

"No. But he can blame me for you not going home and that might…strain our relationship in the future."

Some book or notebook was shut violently as drops of blood tainted the perfectly white onion.

"It won't! And it doesn't matter either way, does it? You're with me. What happens between me and my brother has nothing to do with…where are you going?"

"Bathroom."

"Why? Oh, you're bleeding…"

"It's just a cut." I smiled, reassuringly.

But Jungkook got up as if burned, pent up, and worried, glaring at it as if there would be something more than a cut and the red substance oozing out of it.

"Where are the bandages?"

"In the pill cabinet, over there…" I pointed with my head.

He walked fast as if this little wound was some kind of emergency.

There weren't any bandages left though. I remembered that the second he went in. But watching him look for it with fervor had me smiling. A real smile. He couldn't see it, but it was there.

"Are you sure? Or did you change their place? There's nothing in here!" He kept moving things around saying, "I'm telling you. There's not even rubbing alcohol or oxygenated water, nothing. Maybe it's in the kitchen." Turned around quickly, yet I managed to put on my best poker face just in time. Before the smaller boy could pass me by, I used the non bleeding hand and grabbed him.

"What?" He was puzzled, eyeing the cut like that'd make the blood keep still. "It's probably in the kitchen or…"

"It's not there. We're out."

"Alright, but…Namjoon you're really bleeding a lot. Put some pressure on it."

"No."

"What? Then let me, what are you do…"

"Put it in your mouth."

If anyone would've asked about the sexual activity between us during the last three weeks, I couldn't answer with a straight face and say I haven't stolen a glance, a feel, or a kiss. But nothing more than that had happened.

I was waiting for some verbal reaction, but the sound of some commercial was the only thing I was hearing.

Round dark brown eyes went wide. The body remained immobile.

And then, his phone started ringing from the safety of the black backpack from the corner, right by a stack of books that both he and I were fully aware he'll never finish reading until the exam.

I brought the bloody finger up to his closed lips. He looked at it. The phone kept ringing.

"You want to get that?" I asked, whispering.

I knew very well that he would've rather sucked my finger than do that, which is why I was sure his lips would part like the red sea.

And they did.

He didn't suck on it, nor moved his tongue at all. He just held it in his mouth as if he wanted to warm it up.

The Tv seemed to be haunted, but it wasn't distracting enough.

(There is nothing better than the new Lion chocolate bar, it melts in your…)

"Suck it," I demanded.

I closed the distance between us.

Irises looked up and then down at it as if it was something phallic.

The phone stopped ringing.

The soft cushion that was his tongue and the warm walls of my favorite mouth closed.

I was about to move the finger when the phone started ringing again and his eyes wandered towards it with a bit of fear present.

Used my other hand to touch the back of his head in case he'd let it slip out when I moved it in and out. Regaining all focus.

However, his stare was not judgment-free.

I watched that finger go in and out and he watched me watch it a bit more flustered than before.

(Feel more beautiful with Dove, the soap your skin trusts. The soft particles and…)

His breathing intensified when the fingertip reached the back of his throat with one swift thrust.

Licked my lips and tightened the grip on his now, far too long hair. Pulling a bit on it while I kept swirling blood around his rosy mouth and then forced a second finger in.

He was surprised by this.

Caught his tongue between these two fingers and pulled it out just so I could catch it between my lips and suck on it while trapped in my mouth.

"Mm…" He breathed out when I wrapped my arms around his waist.

And then, as our saliva and my blood mixed, hands traveling to grope his ass as his fingers closed behind my neck. The third call made me hesitate just a bit before sliding one hand under the loose grey sweatpants.

(Coming up, Two and a Half men…)

"Nam…" He tried as soon as our lips were disconnected.

"What?" I growled against his chin while licking the sensitive skin from under it.

"We can't." He dared saying when my hand was fondling with his asshole.

"Just a bit."

One finger in.

"Noh." One word full of air was the only incentive when he almost collapsed against my chest from just this little touching.

'The absence does make the heart grow fonder indeed.'

The phone has gone quiet, the show started with the song that I've grown to know only because of Jungkook.

"Why not?" I humored him while full-on fingering him, my own hard-on pressing against his clothed stomach.

"I've…mgotm…to… go home."

My finger would've stopped unless my whole body wasn't already drowning in hormones and heat.

"Now…now you want to go home?" The bitterness seeped through every word despite the ironic smirk.

The second finger was in. And the spot I was searching for was pressed. I knew that since he was literally climbing on me in order to keep himself standing. His erection pressed against my leg.

"I don't, but…"

"Then don't." I cut him off. All common sense, lost.

I even rubbed against his front to prove my point.

And between soft moans and bittersweet friction, while his hair was tickling my nose, the fourth phone call made my blood boil.

'Fuck it, I just have to take him to the bedroom and then…'

"My mom…"

My fingers stopped at the same time with my tongue. He continued: "And my dad. I think they just got home."

The laugh track from the tv suddenly became quieter than the ringing. No one was messing with the volume of either.

Twisted my neck to look at the backpack with an emotion I couldn't quite identify.

'What's it like to have parents?' That is what I wanted to ask; fingers still buried in his ass.

Due to the lack of movement, he managed to tear himself away from me and walk towards the backpack.

I was still in the same spot when he answered it, fingers still dripping red on the wooden floor.

"Yeah?... Sorry…it was on silent."

'Liar.'

("I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row."

"I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck."

"You bring her home; you clean up after."

"Thank God you never get any.")

"Soon. How soon? Well, Namjoon just made soup for me and…oh. Do they want to?... Tomorrow? Right now?... Why?... What do you mean?!... Just, friends."

'That can't be good.'

("This girl? This girl's something different."

"How so?"

"Well, did you ever go out with somebody who's not only great in bed, but also like a really cool friend?"

"Yeah. Once."

"In fact, now that I think about it, the friendship was the best part of our relationship."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah. The sex was a little weird.")

'My mom must be laughing hysterically from hell right about now.'

He pointed at the Tv frantically, begging me to turn it off.

I watched him, dead behind the eyes, and then looked around for the remote as I listened to the show and him at the same time.

"No. He eats pretty much anything…No. He doesn't drink…"

'To hell I don't.'

("It's me."

"Me who?"

"No."

"Yes."

"Jill?"

"Bill."

"No."

"We're gonna need two shots of tequila.")

'Preach.' I told the actors in my head right before successfully turning it off.

"He'll need to shower first. He just got home from…ah, work…What does he do? He…a…" Jungkook glared at me for some kind of help, I simply reached out towards the bulge of his pants and grabbed. He immediately slightly slapped the hand away, but otherwise, stayed in place. As if the mobile phone had a wire attached to the wall.

Though there were just two steps until the table, one at the left until the wall and the backpack was prompted against the wall, next to the closed back door. I was at his right, half hugging him, half trying to get the sweatpants off without a loud reaction that'll startle his brother who I could now hear much better from both the close proximity and the quietness of the house.

"Delivery?" He asked as if his brother was supposed to know, but it must've been my fault since my hand made contact with the now half-hard cock at the exact moment the questioning tone happened.

"No... No…I wasn't asking. I was reading something and got distracted."

'Dirty, little…liar.'

I pressed him against the wall from behind.

"Mhm…Studying daily."

The musky scent of his hair had me pulling down the pants just enough to reveal his ass while I was jerking him slowly but surely back to full hardness.

"Going…ah…great. Yeah. How about I call you when we're on our way?" He quickly added the last part.

'Shit. Now I have to meet his parents.'

I bit the nape of his neck softly.

"Aww…" He let out without thinking.

From where I stood, I could perfectly hear his brother asking: "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…I hurt my knee…so clumsy sometimes." That lie was followed by a nervous chuckle. "I'll call you a bit later, alright? It'll take a while to get ready, since I still need to finish this…exercise and Namjoon has to shower and I might shower as well…"

I pulled on his balls, losing patience. He bit his lip.

I heard his brother chuckling: "You already told me this. Just don't bring up anything …bad. They're in a good mood and they're here, for us. So, get here soon."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

Jungkook closed the call and then looked at the screen as if to make sure he really did end it before yelling:

"What the hell's wrong with you?!"

"Shut up," I said right in his ear with a voice that didn't allow any further complaints.

"We're going together. You'll meet my…"

"I heard."

I pulled down the front of the pants too just so I could make his naked cock rub against the bare wall while I fingered his ass and lowered my own pants.

"They think you're only a…"

"I know."

"I can't tell them that…"

"I know."

I spit on his hole from above and placed my erection between his thighs after forcing them shut.

"We…shower…ah…"

I fucked his thighs while trying to match the rhythm with the three fingers I forced in.

It wasn't long until I saw his hand reaching for his cock that made me change positions entirely.

"Augh." Was the surprised sound he made when his whole front hit the wall. I was holding his hands hostage behind his back. Making sure that he was getting rubbed the right way against the wall while I continued to go in and out. Unsatisfied, horny, and strangely, quite angry.

"We don't have time…" He whimpered and struggled against my hold.

I kept going until he was purposely rubbing his cock against the wall up and down, moaning a moan he never used before.

'I want to do him so bad…'

‘No. I wanted to slap his ass and squeeze his neck.’

I felt all the rage I held back for the past three weeks leaking out of me like the precum that was leaking out of him.

Despite the way he was getting jerked off, he still came, minutes later, all over the wall. Meanwhile, I was glaring at the back of his head thinking: 'Why the fuck's everything so complicated with you?! Why the hell can't we just forget about the exams for one God damn minute and relax?! And now, your parents? Are you kidding me?! I am the last person your parents should ever met! Friend or boyfriend. I am bad news either way. You didn't even ask me! I was right next to you. And why does being sober make you untouchable? Are you that repulsed by me when you're sober? What the Fuck do You want from Me?!'

"Namjoon?"

"Hm?"

"You won't cum anytime so…"

This had me grabbing his hair and forcing him to go down. At first, I thought I was going to just make him suck me until he cried, but because he was facing away, I found myself smashing his face against the wall and bringing it lower and lower until his cheek made contact with his own cum.

"Lick it."

His pupils were searching for my face. But they were unable to reach it.

"Lick it. Then I'll go shower."

"But that...it's a bit…"

"Now, Jungkook. Or I swear to God…"

'What?' I asked myself. 'Or I'll what? I can't bring myself to hurt him more than this.'

And yet, him licking his own cum off the wall with wet eyes didn't soothe my anger. Nor kill my mood. It was making me so hard that it hurt.

"All of it." I heard myself ordering.

"…are you angry? Did I…"

"All."

Despite my harsh tone, I didn't make sure he had licked every drop. I let go of his head before that happened and avoided his eyes when he turned around.

"I'll be ready in ten." That was all I said before disappearing inside the bathroom.

'He must think I’m feeling guilty.' That was what I realized while under cold, freezing water.

'But I left only because I didn't trust myself to hold back.'

When I finally killed any sign that my mind kept replaying the scene of him licking his semen over and over again with images of my mom throwing beer bottles after me when I was six. I got out with a towel around my waist and put on the best expressionless face I could muster.

There was no one in the living room, hallway, or kitchen. Since there was no wall between any of these supposed separate rooms, my mind immediately attacked with its best guess: 'He left me.'

"Namjoon! Can I borrow your blue shirt?" Jungkook screamed from the bedroom. I sighed.

"Sure!" I yelled back, looking at the wet spots on the wall.

Walked in on him only wearing jeans in front of the open dresser, holding the blue shirt against his chest to check if it wasn't too long.

I gave his cheek a quick peck before I grabbed a white shirt and some black pants, just like I would if I went to a funeral.

And as I turned around, I noticed the shaking hands, but couldn't find it in me to bring it up.

We were dressed up, groomed, and perfumed in less than ten minutes.

"Should I take my backpack?" He wondered out loud.

"Leave it."

"Why?"

"You'll have an excuse to come to my place even if they hate me."

"They won't hate you."

"For my own sanity. Say you forgot it. Just take your phone."

"Okay…"

His place was just streets away which for the first time, didn't feel that convenient.

"When was the last time you saw your parents?" I asked, although I could've guessed the answer since he seemed to be more nervous than I was.

"Well, I don't know. A few months. Almost a year? Maybe. I don't remember…"

"They don't visit often?"

"Not really."

The sounds of the cars passing by seemed so far away.

"Did you miss them?"

"That's a stupid question," Jungkook replied, a bit too fast.

I clenched my jaw and nodded.

We spent the rest of the way in utter silence and only after an overly-cheerful female voice answered by saying something intelligible, did I try to break the ice again:

"Is there something I shouldn't mention? Like a taboo subject? Or…"

"I know." He cut me off, looking into my eyes to say: "Don't tell them how you just made their son jerk off to a wall and then clean it up with his tongue."

My lips parted, his lips stretched in a joyless smile that faded as soon as he pushed the gate open and stepped aside, waiting for me to get in.

I did. Hands in pockets. Newfound warmth was spreading from my belly to my throat.

The elevator ride seemed to last longer than I remembered and the quietness was no longer as awkwardly comfortable as before.

'Well, in one fell swoop, I've gone and done exactly what I tried not to do for weeks. Quick Jungkook, go and bring me a golden star, and then set it on fire.'

When the automatic doors closed, I took his hand in mine and said, against my better judgment: "I thought it was hot."

"…it felt more like a punishment to me."

"For what?" I asked a bit too quietly, massaging his fingers.

"You tell me."

'I won't.' I thought.

"What if I told you that I like to make you do these kinds of things…that they turn me on?"

He half-smiled. My chest felt a bit lighter.

"I'd say you're sick."

I stepped the one step between us and with his hand to my chest, mumbled:

"You don't want to be sick with me?"

"I thought I already was."

"Yeah…" I smiled back.

The elevator doors opened.

"Sorry…" I whispered, but I was ninety percent sure that he didn't hear me.

Before the brown-haired boy found it in himself to knock on his own door, he turned around, fist still in mid-air:

"If it's just one of your…" He looked down and whispered "Kinks. Then fine. But are you sure it wasn't a punishment for something?"

"One hundred percent sure."

He nodded and knocked.

"That means you're fine with doing stuff like that again?" I inquired, close to his ear, just seconds before a woman, shorter than he was, emerged before us. Hair is just a bit lighter than her sons, barely surpassing her shoulders and full bangs.

'He has a sister too?'

"Hi, mom."

'You're kidding, right?'

The older woman covered her mouth before she spread her arms to receive an embrace from the son she hadn't seen in months.

They stood embraced by the door and I stood, unable to say a word or move. Watching an expression on Jungkook's face that I've never seen before. Not even when he was a child.

'That's what it's like to have parents, huh.'

"You must be Namjoon."

I awkwardly stretched my hand while in the back of my mind, I could hear a voice screaming: 'I've been helping your son get high for years. Pleased to meet you.'

She took it and then embraced me just like she did with Jungkook, but for a shorter amount of time.

'You are way more comfortable with physical affection than your son is.' That is what I wanted to say.

"Thank you for receiving me…" That is what I actually said.

"Don't be silly. The pleasure is all mine. I heard so much about you...it's like I already know you."

'From who?'

I reciprocated her smile until a man who was almost identical with Jungkook, but much older, and more masculine. He also came in suddenly from the bathroom with his arms open way before he was anywhere near his son.

A second embrace proceeded but this time, I only got a firm arm shake and a shoulder squeeze.

"A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Jeon."

"Come sit down and have a glass of wine."

"Dad, I told you he doesn't drink."

"One won't hurt."

I accepted the glass smiling while thinking: 'I want to take the virginity of your son. In fact, I would've by now but since you raised him so well... Man, does he seem absolutely terrified of it. We've even set a date for it like its doomsday.'

I took a sip.

"Do you like it?"

'What?' I choked.

"White wine. My wife prefers the red one, but I think it has this note that doesn't go well with food. The white one on the other hand…"

He went on about the different types and flavors, while I was nodding and smiling when appropriately. All the while leaving one ear attentive to what Jungkook and his mother were talking about:

"Where's Jung?"

"At the store. The fridge was almost empty. I swear, it's like you two don't even live here! Aren't you boys using the money for groceries?"

"…Of course, we are. You just came at a…in between grocery shopping moment."

"But I told Jung we're coming today. I know he spends a lot of time with his girlfriend but you could've at least stacked up so I wouldn't have to worry."

"Mom, we eat."

"You don't look like it."

"Trust me, I do."

"Why don't you answer when I call?" I could tell she tried sounding unaffected, but her eyes couldn't lie.

Jungkook's lips became one straight line.

And that's when I realized that his dad was waiting for me to take sides in his ongoing debate:

"Rose."

"Really?" Mr. Jeon chuckled.

"Yeah. I like red and white too, but rose's the best of both worlds."

"Honey! He'd rather have rose."

She chuckled like a teenager before exclaiming with contained haste: "I'll call Jung and tell him to get one. Do you have one that you like in particular? Sweet? Or rather…"

"No. Mrs. Jeon, please, you don't need to bother. I can drink any wine. In fact, this should be my last glass anyway. I was only answering a question…"

"Nonsense. You must have some with this fish we bought today. It's to die for! Honey, where's my phone?"

"In your purse."

"And where's my purse?"

They both looked around for it while giggling and touching each other's shoulders as if they've only just started dating a week ago.

I could not believe what my eyes were currently witnessing.

And Jungkook didn't seem like he could either.

He seemed almost…sad.

Jung arrived before his mother got to call him.

"Jungkook, can you let your brother in? I already forgot what button I had to press and I need to start cooking the…"

"I'll do it." A soulless tone accompanied his words.

I, on the other hand, was left alone in the hallway, with my shoes still on, watching Jungkook crawl-walk to the device. His parents started talking among themselves by the stove.

"Namjoon, are you good at peeling potatoes?" The man asked, holding a knife.

"Good enough."

I took the knife and sat down in front of one empty red container and a bowl of small potatoes, resisting a sigh.

"I know what this place needs honey, some music."

"I told you, the only stereo is in Jung's room. He said he'll turn it on when he gets here."

"Speaking of the devil." She snickered and turned the fish on the other side before covering the grill and walking to the two brothers that were talking a bit too quietly.

But I still heard the mom saying: "Jung, you need to go back. Namjoon likes rose wine. Rose!"

The older brother sighed the sigh I didn't dare release.

"I'll go. I still have my shoes on. Besides, you guys need to fight over the playlist for the next ten minutes. Don't you?" Jungkook's voice was the lowest of them all, but I still got every word.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yeah. No problem."

"Do you want me to go with you?" I offered and only after two seconds, did I realize that I probably sounded too desperate to escape, so I added: "There are some things I needed to buy today, but I forgot. And it'll probably be closed by the time I leave."

"Be honest." Jungkook's dad stated, seriously. I swallowed. "You just don't want to peel the potatoes."

I blinked a few times before waving my hands.

"No! No…They're mine. In fact, I don't want anyone to touch them until I get back."

They chuckled; I forced the corners of my mouth up.

Jung was taking off his shoes and Jungkook was staring at the wall.

"Go. Go. But don't take too long. I'll do the steaks while you two are gone."

"Mom? Steak too? There's no way we can eat that much." Jungkook complained in an almost uncharacteristic high-pitched voice.

I abandoned the knife and stepped toward the exit with small, calculated steps.

"Just look at you. All flesh and bones. Ladies must be so jealous of you."

"Mom…"

"Namjoon." Mrs. Jeon suddenly faced me with a serious expression. "What does my son usually eat?"

"A lot of chocolate." I let out without thinking.

Jungkook didn't seem pleased with my answer.

"Just like when he was a child."

"Honey. You too, eat a lot of sugar." Mr. Jeon pointed out.

"It's my fault. I passed the sweet tooth curse to him." She covered her mouth. The husband imitated her; she went to playfully hit him. And Jungkook took this as a cue to leave.

"We're going!"

"The money?"

"Yeah, it's in my pocket."

The door was opened and then shut.

A mutual deep inhale and exhale happened as soon as we were out.

And then, a shy laugh erupted from Jungkook and continued from me.

I was rubbing the back of his neck in the elevator, still smiling: "When you've told me that your parents loved each other…"

"I wasn't exaggerating."

"It's cute."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not."

"Phish. It's embarrassing." He let out.

My hand was off him the moment the doors opened.

"What do you have to get from the store by the way?" He innocently asked.

"Nothing."

He stopped walking.

"What?"

"I wanted to go with you."

He rolled his eyes but didn't seem really bothered by it.

"You still have to buy something even if you don't need it."

An old lady entered the building just in time to hear me say:

"I know. How about lube?"

I couldn't control my facial expression, so I simply grinned all the way out.

"Well. There goes our spotless reputation."

"Really? That lady will be writing about it on the elevator's door? She'll send a mass text to her bridge buddies or what?"

"I was just saying." He chuckled, despite my serious face.

We went to the closest store. Since I didn't know my way around, I simply followed Jungkook. I couldn't help but notice that the people who shopped at this market were dressed much more formally than the one we usually went to.

"Sweet, dry, or…"

"I don't care. All alcohol tastes like poison in the end."

"Then why did you say you liked rose, especially?"

"Your dad wanted me to pick sides, so I picked Switzerland."

"Yeah. He does that sometimes."

"It's his thing?"

"Not really. But he likes to win against mom when it comes to nonsensical imagined arguments."

" Is that so…That’s how they fight?"

"They never fight. It's just a harmless game. For fun."

"Hmm… Let's get the sweet one then."

"Why?"

"You and your mom like it."

Not blinking, he glared at me without saying a word for a few seconds before nodding to himself and putting a much too expensive wine in the cart.

"What else?" I asked, while staring at the whitest strawberries I've ever seen.

'Are these mutated? Bleached?'

"Lube." I blurted out without thinking.

"Why do you keep saying…that?"

"You wouldn't understand," I replied in a dramatic tone.

He dismissed it with his hand.

"Something you need."

"I don't need anything, remember?"

"Still. Things you can never have enough of. Like trash bags? Toilet paper?"

We somehow passed the fruit aisle and ended up in the cleaning one.

"I'm not going back to your parents with toilet paper."

"Why? They shit too."

"Jungkook…"

"Fine. What then?"

I spotted something that seemed acceptable enough.

"Air fresheners?"

"They'll think you're a smoker."

"I might just like a minty fresh room. What of it?"

"Nana died of lung cancer. Don't open that can of worms."

'Then what about you?' I thought quietly as if I did any louder, he would've heard.

I bit my lips, flayed my arms, and turned corner after corner, with him on my tail.

Numerous brands I've never seen peeked at me from the unusually clean shelves.

'It's only a few streets from my house, yet…'

"Cleaning stuff for floors or counters? Hmm…you actually need some. And wet wipes. Some bottles of water. I drank the last one and the tap one from your place tastes like actual…"

"You're going to actually do the shopping I needed to do, right now?"

"Band-aids." He pointed at me and disappeared like a man with a mission.

I looked down at the closed cut and remembered his face mushed against the wall like it was a photograph I'd actually taken with a camera.

A little child dropped her toy a few steps away from me, so I picked it up and gave it to her. She thanked me and walked away in a sparkly tiny dress.

'Huh.'

On the way back, I tried to hold back this thought that was bugging me. Nonetheless, I couldn't convince myself to let it poison my brain while his parents were going to probably touch each other from under the table while we ate in the next hour or so. Another reason that had me blurting out: "So, your peeps got some money, don't they?"

"What do you mean?"

"Give me the bag, they're supposed to be my groceries."

He ignored me.

"We're not richy rich if that's what you mean."

"And what's that?"

"The spoiled, I must wear only high-end brand clothes and wipe with feathers only, you know, type of rich."

"But you could, if you wanted to."

"Hey. No. I couldn't. They're doing well, I am not going to say they don't but it's not like that. And I'd give anything if my parents traveled less for that money and even if they…fought once in a while."

"Then why do you work?"

"How do you expect me to deduct that kind of money every month without a valid reason? I can't tell them the…truth. And they’re teaching us to be responsible with money so they don’t leave us a lot."

I stole the bag from his hands and walked ahead all the way back.

When we were in the safety of the elevator. I let out something that I regretted more than the kink I exposed earlier today:

"You don't let them spoil you well. There's nothing wrong with that. Be spoiled. And be glad they love each other. That's rare. Some of us don't even have parents. Some of us never saw our parents hugging. So, take their love while they're alive… you fucking moron."

I exited the elevator as soon as it opened and knocked on the door before Jungkook arrived at the door.

"Did you find what you needed?" His mom asked.

"Yeah. Everything."

"I'm glad."

I took off my shoes and left the bag by the door, wine in hand. Jungkook got in a bit too late. But his mom probably didn't notice.

"Where's Mr. Jeon?" I asked.

"In Jung's room. He's adding his favorite songs to the playlist. They just couldn't reach a consensus."

"Oh, nice. I'll get started on the potatoes then."

Sat down and started peeling like a robot.

Jungkook walked by his mother's side almost without making a sound, which is why she exclaimed:

"Oh, my god! You scared me. What are you, a cat?"

She continued to cut some vegetables and my heart almost burst when Jungkook hugged his mom from the side and told her something quietly.

I could see her smiling big, with warmth.

I couldn't see Jungkook's face from where I was sitting, but I supposed, he was smiling as well.

'Am I the one who's going to ruin their son? This…peace they have going on?' These questions and more like them, popped up like telepathic messages sent to bring me pain.

It must've been that or the sudden Metallica concert which started from the other room that helped me cut a finger for the second time that day.

"Honey! We're going to eat! Not…Honey, do you hear me?! The neighbors here are…" And she was gone.

Jungkook turned around to look at me with wet eyes. I was somehow sure that it was my fault this time today as it had been earlier that day. And I could tell exactly when he spotted my bleeding finger.

He didn't freak out like last time. And despite the fact that we bought bandages not too long ago, he still went in front of the counter, picked up my hand, and shoved the finger in his mouth.

I was speechless.

But as soon as the electric guitars died down and got replaced by something that I associated with dinner jazz, I pulled my finger out his mouth, and yet, we kept staring at each other as if in a trance.

"Only do that when we're alone." I drily commented, a bit taken aback.

He nodded.

And the bedroom door flew open. The rest of the family joined us in the kitchen.

The meat was placed on plates, wine glasses got filled and bad jokes happened. My finger did not only get bandaged but also disinfected by a woman whom I've just met for the first time in my life.

And the couple danced to tango right before we dug in and ate way too much.

To my surprise, they didn't touch very much while eating, but Jungkook's mom did feed her husband ice cream after one too many drinks. There were a lot of questions about their day-to-day lives that I assumed they should've already known. But they were mostly directed to Jungkook, so I assumed they mainly conversed with Jung. And when they talked about sleeping arrangements, I heard something that I didn't expect:

"We already got a hotel room. You two know we don't like to impose."

"Just be honest. You don't want to share a bed." Jung blurted out, still scooping the ice cream.

"You know me so well." She boasted and touched her chest as if she was flattered.

'They don't want to share a bed with their sons? Wait. Why does this house not have a room for them in the first place?'

I sipped from the almost empty glass of my rose wine and tried not to look surprised or disturbed.

"We'll be here before you boys even wake up. I'll make your favorite pancakes, my Kookie." She pinched his cheeks with a glint in her eyes.

"Mom…it hurts."

"What's in them?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Diabetes," Jung answered drily and then fake coughed.

I chuckled; a bit dizzy from the wine.

"I'll make some for you too, after all, you're sleeping over, aren't you?"

'They won't do it, but they want me to?'

I glanced at Jungkook, but his detached stare didn't help at all.

"Of course."

'That's the polite thing to do, right? Even though my house is probably closer than their hotel…'

"Wonderful. We'll see you all in the morning."

"Don't drink all the wine while we're gone." Mr. Jeon joked and downed the rest of his glass.

'They're not alcoholics, right?'

"Honey. I know we're on vacation, but even if you don't drink for months, your liver will never be what it used to be." She reminded him in a cute voice that I did not expect to be used by a woman her age.

'And that answers that question.' I put the glass down.

Both sons looked up at their mother with similar glares. They didn't betray certain emotions, but the synchronized staring spoke volumes.

"Honey. I only had a few."

She caressed his back and got up. Like she was a guest in the house she helped pay for and yet, she continued to clean even after the man took both sons for a chat in the other room. Leaving me on wash duty in the kind of silence that I didn't know how to break.

"My son, Jungkook…" She suddenly started after she took the wet plate and dried it with a rug; a bit closer than I'd like.

"Yeah, what about him?" I asked with gloves covered in soap and wet sleeves.

"Is he… happy?"

I looked into the eyes of a mother.

A mother I didn't know if I could lie to.

I couldn't even breathe.

'Ah…fuck.'

"He said…" I cleared my throat without being able to blink and continued: "He has less anxiety lately."

"Aw, you're such a good boy." She caressed my back, so I looked ahead, unsure of how to react.